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Monica Geller: Hey guys! Chandler Bing: Honey, I got us that room at the Woodford Inn this weekend. Monica Geller: That place in Vermont? You can take a hint! Rachel Green: Wait, you can't go away this weekend! It's Emma's birthday! Ross Geller: Yeah! Rachel Green: We're having a party. Monica Geller: Well, can't you just have the party when we get back? Ross Geller: No. Rachel Green: No, that day... that won't be her real birthday! Chandler Bing: Gee if only she were one and had no idea what the hell a birthday was! Ross Geller: C'mon you guys, this is really important to us. Monica Geller: Well, I'm sorry, but Chandler and I could really use a weekend away. You know, to reconnect... emotionally. Chandler Bing: There's this thing I really want us to do. I read about it in Maxim... Rachel Green: Well, can't you just go to Vermont the next day? Ross Geller: Yeah, we want everyone to be there. As much as I hate to delay your doing weird sex stuff to my little sister. Rachel Green: And I mean, you know, you guys... This is a big deal. I mean, how can we have her first birthday party without her aunt and her uncle! Monica Geller: All right, we'll stay. We can just drive up after the party. Chandler Bing: Fine, but if we end up not doing this Maxim thing because of this party... Monica Geller: Believe me, that is not why we won't be doing that! Rachel Green: You know Pheebs, when I was little, on my birthday, my daddy would hide a present in every room of the house, and then he would draw a treasure map to help me find 'em all. Phoebe Buffay: Oooh, I love family traditions like that. When uhm... when Ursula and I were kids, on our birthday, our stepdad would sell his blood to buy us food! Ross Geller: Hey guys! Ross Geller: Hey, I brought the camera for Emma's video. Rachel Green: Oh, good, good! We had this idea to make a birthday video for Emma and we'll give it to her when she is 18. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, COOL!! Wow, it's like a time capsule! Ross Geller: Yeah! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, just think... she's gonna be watching that video on a TV that hasn't even been invented yet! With friends who right now are just like babies! And they'll be living in a floating city that the humans built to escape the ant people! Ross Geller: That's the hope! So, is Emma awake yet? Rachel Green: Oh no, it's still nap time. But she'll be up soon. Ross Geller: Ah, and where is Joey? Rachel Green: I said it's still nap time. Ross Geller: Hey, there is uncle Joey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey, say something to Emma on her 18th birthday! Joey Tribbiani: 18, uh? Ross Geller: Joey, NO! Joey Tribbiani: What, what!? it's for her hot friends! Ross Geller: When they see this you'll be 52! Joey Tribbiani: And starting to think about settling down! Rachel Green: Hey Joey, will you please set this up for people to put Emma's presents on? Joey Tribbiani: I'd love to! Yeah! Joey Tribbiani: We were supposed to bring presents? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! I wrote Emma a song. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah! How was I supposed to know? Phoebe Buffay: Joey, it's a birthday party. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, but for a one-year-old. What's the point... the other day she laughed for like an hour at a cup. Just a cup with a picture of Elmo on it dressed as a farmer. And he's standing next to this cow and the cow says "El-moo"! Yeah... that's a funny cup! Monica Geller: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey hey! Where's the birthday girl? Rachel Green: Oh, she's still napping. Chandler Bing: Oh, sure, she was probably up all night, excited about the party she knows is happening. Rachel Green: Look, I know that you guys really want to get to Vermont and this isn't a really big deal to you, but it really is to us, ok? Emma will never have a first birthday again. Monica Geller: All right... you're right. We're sorry. Now let's wake up Emma and get the fun time started! Rachel Green: No really, she didn't sleep well last night, so we can't wake her up. Monica Geller: Are you freaking kidding me, Green? Ross Geller: Hey! Monica Geller: So glad you came! Jack Geller: I can't believe Emma is already one! Judy Geller: I remember your first birthday! Ross was jealous of all the attention we were giving you. He pulled on his testicles so hard! We had to take him to the emergency room! Ross Geller: There's something you didn't know about your dad! Joey Tribbiani: Hey Mr. and Mrs. Geller! Let me help you with that. Jack Geller: Thank you! Joey Tribbiani: Oh man, this is great, uh? The three of us together again! You know what would be fun? If we gave this present to Emma from all of us! Jack Geller: Which one are you? Monica Geller: I can't believe Emma is still asleep! Chandler Bing: I know, what are we gonna do? Monica Geller: I've got a plan. I've got a plan. I'm going to ram this platter really hard into your ribs. You're gonna scream out and that'll wake her up! Chandler Bing: I'm not going to Vermont with this Monica! Joey Tribbiani: Hey Pheebs, you know what? I was thinking... since you wrote a song, maybe I could do something for Emma using my talents! Phoebe Buffay: So you're gonna... hit on her? Joey Tribbiani: No, no, no! My talents as an actor! Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Joey Tribbiani: You know, I could like maybe... I could do a dramatic reading of one of her books! Phoebe Buffay: Or you could stick a fork in an apple! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I think Emma might like it! Rachel Green: Oh! Emma might like what? Joey Tribbiani: Um, my present! Rachel Green: What did you get her? Joey Tribbiani: Actually we prepared performances. Phoebe Buffay: Separate performances. Joey Tribbiani: But equally real! Rachel Green: Well, this sounds like fun! Well, you know what? Actually? People are getting a little antsy waiting Emma to wake up from her nap, so would you mind performing them once now? Phoebe Buffay: Sure, yeah! Joey Tribbiani: O K. Rachel Green: All right, let's get this party started, huh? Joey and Phoebe are gonna perform a little something for us. Ross Geller: Oh, great! Phoebe Buffay: Are you gonna be embarrassed going up there having nothing prepared? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I do it every week with three cameras pointed at me and a whole crew waiting! Rachel Green: So, Joey, what are you gonna do for us? Joey Tribbiani: I will be doing a dramatic reading of one of Emma's books. Rachel Green: Oh, ok, which one? Joey Tribbiani: Uh, why, it's a... one of her favorites, uh, "Riding the Storm Out. Coping with post-partum depression" eesh! "Love you forever". Love you forever. By Robert Munsch. Published by Firefly books. Printed in Mexico. A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and while she held him she sang "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be". . And while he rocked her, he sang "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be". Rachel Green: Wow! That was amazing! Ross Geller: Thank you so much for that gift! Chandler Bing: I was not ready for this today! Ross Geller: Amazing... amazing. Rachel Green: Oh, Phoebe, I'm sorry! Phoebe has prepared something as well. Phoebe Buffay: That's right, I've prepared a song for Emma. From my heart to hers. For there's no greater gift, than the gift of music. Emma! Your name poses a dilemma. 'Cause not much else rhymes with Emma! Maybe the actor Richard Crenna, he played the commanding officer in Rambo. Happy birthday Emma! Rachel Green: Is that it? Phoebe Buffay: No, of course not! I also, you know, prepared a reading . "Sex and the single mother. Finding your G-spot. Everyone: No, no, no, no, no! Judy Geller: Hello Emma. Happy eighteenth birthday. Jack Geller: Right now that seems so far away, seventeen years. Judy Geller: Yes, you'll be all grown up by then. We'll be... Well your grandfather and I might not be here. Jack Geller: That's true! This message could becoming to you from beyond the grave, Emma! Judy Geller: After all, my parents died very young. Jack Geller: And my cholesterol's off the charts! Judy Geller: Remember, Emma, heart disease kills women too! Ross Geller: Ok, cut! Great. That was... that was just... yeah! Rachel Green: Ross, um, don't forget to get a shot of Emma's cake. It's in a box in the fridge. Ross Geller: Sure. Rachel Green: Oh, you're gonna love this cake. I got it from a bakery in New Jersey, Corino's. Monica Geller: Oh my God, that place has the creamiest frosting! I use to hitchhike there when I was a kid. Rachel Green: Well, anyway, they make these great novelty cakes, in all different shapes, and if you give them a photo, they'll copy it in icing! Monica Geller: Oh, did you do a picture of Emma? Rachel Green: Yes! On a cake shaped like a bunny. Ross Geller: Uh, Rach? Does this bakery by any chance also bake erotic cakes? Say for bachelorette parties? Rachel Green: Ross, what are you talking about? oh! Oh my God! They put my baby's face on a penis! Phoebe Buffay: oh! Now it's a party! Rachel Green: Why you guys this isn't funny, all right? If I wanted this cake to be a disaster I would have baked it myself! Joey Tribbiani: Uh.. is it ok that I still think it looks delicious? Judy Geller: Jack, look at this. Jack Geller: I know what you're thinking Judy, the resemblance is uncanny! Ross Geller: I am this close to tugging on my testicles again. Rachel Green: No, no, this is not what I ordered. Ok? I went all the way to New Jersey so that I could have the perfect cake for my daughter's birthday and I need a bunny cake, right now! Ross Geller: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off the penis, so we can put it on the bunny. . That is a weird sentence! Rachel Green: Oh! Believe you me! I am going to bring this cake back, I don't even want it in my home... Joey, don't touch it!! Joey Tribbiani: I'm so confused! Rachel Green: Yes, yes. I still want my daughters picture, but on a bunny cake. Yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts! Chandler Bing: To be fair this one does have nuts. Ross Geller: Hey Mon, that was really nice of you to loan Rachel your car so she could go and get the cake. Monica Geller: Oh. So nice of her to pull my hair, 'till I dropped the key! Ross Geller: Well, you know what? While we're waiting, you guys could tape your message to Emma for her 18th birthday, huh? Ok! Chandler Bing: Hi Emma! It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap? Monica Geller: We're Aunt Monica and uncle Chandler, by the way. You may not recognize us, because we haven't spoken to your parents in seventeen years! Chandler Bing: We used to be married, but then we missed a weekend away together and things kind of unraveled. Because of you! Happy Birthday. Monica Geller: Ross, Rachel promised it would be over by now. We seriously have to go, if we want to get to Vermont. I called them and the last train leaves in a half hour. Phoebe Buffay: And you know, I have a massage client soon. Ross Geller: You guys, just please.. a little bit longer. I promise, Rachel will be back with the cake any minute. Monica, remember.. the frosting? huh? Monica Geller: Alright, 5 more minutes. Ross Geller: Hello? Oh no! What happened? Ok ok, where are you? . Ok, I'll be right there. Chandler Bing: Was that Emma? Is she up? Ross Geller: No, Rachel got pulled over for speeding. She forgot her licence so now I have to bring it to her. Phoebe Buffay: Well, if you're leaving, I'm definitely gonna go. Monica Geller: No! Wait! If anybody gets to go.. it's us We've been complaining the longest! Ross Geller: No, wait ! You guys, no, no, you can't leave! Rachel already feels bad that the cake's messed up. How do you think she's gonna feel when she comes back here and all you guys are gone? Chandler Bing: I don't know! You'll tell us on Monday! Ross Geller: Joey! You're in charge, ok? You make sure nobody leaves! Joey Tribbiani: Got it! Hey hey hey! Where do you think you're going? Chandler Bing: To the bathroom! Joey Tribbiani: Alright, well the rest of you get comfortable, ok, because we're gonna be here for a li... Wait a minute, there is a window in there! Phoebe Buffay: Oh no! He's not getting away that easy! Chandler Bing: What are you doing? Get the hell out of here! Joey Tribbiani: Well, that one did not have Emma's face on it. Phoebe Buffay: No, it did not. Joey Tribbiani: No. Judy Geller: Well, we better get going, it's late. Jack's not allowed to drive at night anymore. He has trouble staying in his lane. Jack Geller: Last winter I went up on a church lawn and drove right through a manger scene. The papers thought it was a hate crime. Judy Geller: Anyway, it was lovely seeing you. Joey Tribbiani: Ok! Judy Geller: Bye... Bye dear. Joey Tribbiani: Nighty-night! Judy Geller: Nighty-night! Joey Tribbiani: Bye, bye. Phoebe Buffay: Joey? How could you just let them leave? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm not gonna mess with Jack, he's a great man, he fought for our country. Monica Geller: No, he didn't! He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea. Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Well that's it! He's the last one to go. I'm locking you guys in. Chandler Bing: You do know, I can just turn them the other way around, right? Joey Tribbiani: Oh! I forgot you used to live here! Joey Tribbiani: Hello? Estelle Leonard: Joey! It's Estelle! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Estelle Leonard: So, how did your audition go today? Joey Tribbiani: What audition? Estelle Leonard: The one I told you about last week? Joey Tribbiani: What? You never said anything about an audition! Estelle Leonard: Let me start over. I just got a call about an audition. I think you can still make it. It's down at the Astor Theatre and you need to have a monologue prepared. Joey Tribbiani: A monologue? I don't have.. I got it. Aah! so... I'm gonna take off! Phoebe Buffay: Wh.. what? No wait, you don't get to leave! I've got a massage client waiting outside my door any minute! Monica Geller: Yeah, and we've paid for a room, that we're supposed to be in right now! Phoebe Buffay: Well, oh, ok now... Only one of us has to stay with Emma. Ok, and as the person who realized that, I get to go! Monica Geller: No! no! Let's figure out a fair way to decide who's staying. Joey Tribbiani: Oh! I got it! Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. Alright? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first. Monica Geller: Ok, ten. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine! Anyone else? Phoebe Buffay: No, lets just draw straws. Joey Tribbiani: Or.. we could flip a coin, and then multiply the.. Chandler Bing: I'm begging you stop. Joey Tribbiani: Right. Monica Geller: Ok, how about this: We got wind up toys for Emma for her birthday. We can make them race, and whoever comes in last, stays! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah!! Let's do that! Chandler Bing: That sounds more fun than the thing we were going to do in Vermont! Monica Geller: Everybody get your toys! Phoebe Buffay: Ok! I want the dolphin! Chandler Bing: Thats a bear. Phoebe Buffay: I'm too excited! Monica Geller: Phoebe, you get the bear, uhm, Joey, you get the robot, and Chandler and I get the dog. Ok, and the race is going to go from here to here. Now the one who comes in last, stays! Joey Tribbiani: Ok, ladies and gentlemen, wind your toys! Chandler Bing: Ok, on your mark... Get set... GO!!! Phoebe Buffay: Go! Go! Joey Tribbiani: Come on robot! Monica Geller: What are you barking at? Monica Geller: Wha... How the hell is that gonna help? Chandler Bing: I bought you. How did I forget that that's all you do? Joey Tribbiani: Way to go robot! Phoebe Buffay: Good job Alan! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, good race you guys. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, see you later! Monica Geller: No! No, no... wait! We didn't lose. The rules clearly stated that the last one to cross the finish line was the loser. Well, our dog never crossed the finish line, so technically... Chandler Bing: They left. Rachel Green: No, there isn't time to go to the bakery. We're just gonna come home... Everybody left? Alright, well just tell Emma we're gonna be there as soon as we can. Bye... Ross Geller: RACHEL! Rachel Green: OOH! God! Sorry! Ross Geller: I can't believe they gave you a ticket. You're such a good driver. Rachel Green: Emma's awake. Ross Geller: Yeah? Rachel Green: I can't believe this. This is her first birthday. She's awake. We're not even there. Everybody left. We still have this stupid obscene cake. Ross Geller: Hey, maybe I can fix that, you know. Try to turn it into something else. Rachel Green: Oh, why do you even bother? I already ruined her first birthday... And do you know how important these early experiences are Ross? Very! According to the back cover of that book that you gave me. Ross Geller: Rach, she's not going to remember this. Rachel Green: I guess... Oh, I just had such an idea of what this day would be like, you know? Emma laughing and everybody gathered around her cake singing "Happy Birthday". Then we would all go into... HEY GET OUT OF THE ROAD YOU STUPID STUDENT DRIVER!!! They have to learn! Ross Geller: Hey! Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: It's not bad. Rachel Green: Oh my God! Look what... you made it into a bunny. How did you do that? Ross Geller: Well, I just made these two things uhm... cheeks. And then I split this to make ears. Rachel Green: Well, I'm very impressed. Ross Geller: Some can sing, some can dance. I apparently can turn phallic cakes into woodland creatures. Monica Geller: Now another way to organise your stuffed animals, is by size. Chandler Bing: I'm sorry, is this a game for Emma or for Monica? Monica Geller: Game? Chandler Bing: Emma, you even know it's your birthday today? You're one! One-year-old, that's little. Chandler Bing: Ooh! That's my girl! Monica Geller: That's how old you are. Chandler Bing: Did I teach her that? Did I just... impart wisdom? Monica Geller: Ooh, I want one... Chandler Bing: Me too... Chandler Bing: There's no-one around. Why don't we just take this one? Monica Geller: ...and head to Canada! Chandler Bing: I was kidding. Monica Geller: I wasn't. Let's get going! Phoebe Buffay: Hey, are Ross and Rachel back? Chandler Bing: No, not yet. Phoebe Buffay: Oh good, I didn't miss the party. Monica Geller: What about your massage client? Phoebe Buffay: I just felt so bad, missing this. So I just slipped him a little something, you know. As long as I'm back in five or six hours, it will be alright. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, if Ross and Rachel ask, I've been here the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME! Joey Tribbiani: I've been here the whole time! Ross Geller: Joey, we just saw you come in. You ran past us on the stairs. Rachel Green: I don't care that you left. I'm just glad that you're here. Thanks you guys! Chandler Bing: Hey, guys! Come on! You gotta see what Emma just did. Rachel Green: What? Chandler Bing: Emma, how old are you? How old are you today? Emma: Wo-ish. Rachel Green: Oh! Emma, that's right! You're that many! Ross Geller: Oh my God! Our daughter's a genius! Rach, this means... Rachel Green: NO, no science camp! Ross Geller: Damnit! I'll put a candle on the cake. Rachel Green: Oh!... Oh and Emma, look at your stuffed animals lined up so neatly! Monica Geller: Thanks! Ross Geller: Okay, here we go! Emma's first birthday cake... Well hey... well, blow out the candle. Come on Emma. Chandler Bing: Let's do it, come on! Ross Geller: What's wrong? Are you okay? Rachel Green: Oh yeah, nothing! These are happy tears! This is just what I wanted. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, you made it into a bunny. Joey Tribbiani: What is wrong with me. It looked more delicious when it was a penis. Rachel Green: Okay. Ross Geller: Okay, you ready? Rachel Green: Yeah. Ross Geller: A-a-and... record. Rachel Green: Okay. Hi Emma. Well, your first birthday is over, and it was really... Phoebe Buffay: Go, go, go Alan! Run you, hairy bastard! end.
Rachel Green: You know, I'm thinking about letting Emma have her first cookie. Joey Tribbiani: Her first cookie? She has cookies all the time! Rachel Green: I've never given her a cookie. Have you? Joey Tribbiani: No! No... and, for the record, I've also never given her a frosting from a can! Monica Geller: Hey Rach, the adoption agency needs letters of recommendation and we were wondering if you would write one for us. Rachel Green: Of course, I'd be honored! Chandler Bing: Thanks! Monica Geller: Thank you! Joey Tribbiani: U-U-Um, I think there's been an oversight. Chandler Bing: Joey, we would've asked you, we just thought you wouldn't be interested. Monica Geller: Yeah, it's just we don't think of you as really being so much "with the words". Joey Tribbiani: Whoo-weh hey weh-hey whoo hey!! Monica Geller: Clearly we were wrong. Joey Tribbiani: I gotta a lot of nice stuff to say about you guys, ok? And I know how much you wanna have a baby, you know, and I would love to help you get one. Monica Geller: You know what? Then, Joey, we want you to do it. Joey Tribbiani: Thank you! Alright, let me see how I'm gonna start... "Dear baby adoption decider people..." Chandler Bing: So excited about your letter! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Everyone: Hey Phoebe! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Monica Geller: Wow! Don't you look nice?! Phoebe Buffay: Yes, I do! Today is Mike and my one-year anniversary. Rachel Green: OH! What's it the anniversary of? Your first date, your first kiss, first time you had sex... Phoebe Buffay: YEAH! Chandler Bing: So you must be going to somewhere fancy to celebrate? Phoebe Buffay: Uh-uh. Ehm, a Knicks game. Joey Tribbiani: Uhm... Aren't you a little overdressed? Phoebe Buffay: Hey, you know what, I've never had a one-year anniversary before, so no matter where we go, I'm wearing something fancy pants, and... I'm gonna put on my finest jewelry and we're gonna have sex in a public rest room. Monica Geller: You guys do that? Chandler won't even have sex in our bathroom! Chandler Bing: That's where people make number two!! Charlie Wheeler: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey... Charlie Wheeler: So, you know... I have a little time. If you... if you want to... Ross Geller: Oh... Ohh... I'd love to but I really have to grade these papers. Charlie Wheeler: Fine, it's fine... I'll just shower by myself... Ross Geller: B, B, B, B, B! Charlie Wheeler: Oh, Ross, you gave a B to a Pottery Barn catalogue. Ross Geller: Well, it had some good ideas, take off your shirt. Ross Geller: Damnit! Amy Green: Rachel!! Open up!! It's your sister!! I have to talk to you!! Ross Geller: Hi Amy! Amy Green: You're not Rachel. Ross Geller: Still sharp as a tack! Amy Green: Um... Charlie, this is Rachel's sister Amy. Amy, this is Charlie. Charlie Wheeler: Hi! Amy Green: Hi! Charlie Wheeler: Nice to meet you. Amy Green: H-Hi!! And you are...? Ross Geller: Ross? I... I grew up on your block! We had Thanksgiving together last year... I had a baby with your sister! Amy Green: N-no... uhm... did I buy a falafel from you yesterday? Ross Geller: Yes, yes, you did. Ross Geller: Hi Rachel! Here's your sister Amy! She thinks I need pec implants! Rachel Green: Amy! Hi! Oh-oh-hoh! Wow! You remember Joey? Amy Green: Yeah! Hey, sure! The "Days of Our Lives" guy! Joey Tribbiani: That's right, yeah. Amy Green: You're not good! Joey Tribbiani: Always nice to meet a fan! Rachel Green: So now, what are you doing here? Amy Green: Well, I have huge news. Rachel Green: Oh sorry, hold on. Let me just check on the baby! Amy Green: Wait, this is important! Can Ella wait? Ross Geller: Ehm... Her name is Emma. Amy Green: Why did you change it, Ella was so much prettier! Ross Geller: What do I know? I just sell Middle Eastern food from a cart! Amy Green: Hey, your English is getting better!! Ross Geller: Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani: I know, she may be the hottest girl I've ever hated. Ross Geller: What... what you working on? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, Monica and Chandler's recommendation. I want it to sound smart but.. I don't know any big words or anything, so... Ross Geller: Why don't you use your Thesaurus? Joey Tribbiani: What did I just say? Ross Geller: Watch. Here, you ehm... You highlight the word you want to change. Go under Tools and the Thesaurus generates... 'gives'... 'gives' a whole list of choices. You can pick the word that sounds smartest. Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God, that's great! I'm smart!! No, no, I'm... "brainy, bright, clever", I love this thing! Look out ladies, Joey Tribbiani's got the whole package!! Rachel Green: God! Amy Green: So beautiful. Rachel Green: Oh, I know, isn't she? Amy Green: No, I was talking about your bedding. Rachel Green: All right. What's your news, Amy? Amy Green: Oh! Um... Well... I'm getting married. Rachel Green: What? Oh my God! To who? Amy Green: This guy! He has a killer apartment. Rachel Green: A-And?? Amy Green: A-And it's on Fifth. And the elevator opens up right into the living room. Rachel Green: No, what's he like? Amy Green: Oh! He's ok. Do you remember my old boyfriend Mark? Rachel Green: Yeah. Amy Green: It's his dad. Rachel Green: Huh... wow, so he's gotta be... Amy Green: Old? Yeah! But he travels a lot, so he's hardly ever there. Rachel Green: Sweety, I gotta tell ya... it sounds a little bit like you like the apartment more than you like... Amy Green: Myron. Hmm... I told you he was old! Rachel Green: Oh... sit down, sit down. Oh, honey, you know, I once also almost married somebody that I didn't love. Do you remember Barry? Amy Green: Humpf, remember him? How we used to make out all the time after you went to sleep. Rachel Green: Sometimes just nodding is ok. Uhm, so but anyway, listen, not marrying Barry was the best decision that I ever, ever made. Honey, you deserve true love. Your soulmate is out there, somewhere. Someone that is your age, that is smart, that is fun and that you care about! Amy Green: You're right, you're right! I'm gonna do it! Rachel Green: Ok. Amy Green: I'm gonna marry Myron and keep looking for Mr Right. Rachel Green: Ok, let's keep talking. Phoebe Buffay: Excuse me, anniversary. Excuse me, anniversary. . Uhm, sir, could you move your nachos... they're in my seat. It's my anniversary. Here we are! . Can't believe it's been a whole year! Mike Hannigan: I know. This has been the best year... THIS HAS BEEN THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE! Phoebe Buffay: ME TOO! I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD LOVE SOMEONE THIS MUCH! Mike Hannigan: I FEEL THE SAME WAY! Phoebe Buffay: YOU'RE SO GENEROUS AND KIND AND YOU'RE AMAZING IN BED IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY! Announcer: Knicks fans, please turn your attention to the big screen on the score board. Someone has a special question to ask. Phoebe Buffay: Oh how lame... oh, it's so tacky, and impersonal. Mike Hannigan: Really? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's the worst way to propose! Mike Hannigan: Excuse me... . Joey Tribbiani: Hey, finished my recommendation. Here. And I think you'll be very, very happy. It's the longest I ever spent on a computer without looking at porn. Chandler Bing: I don't... uh... understand. Joey Tribbiani: Some of the words are a little too sophisticated for ya? Monica Geller: It doesn't make any sense. Joey Tribbiani: Of course it does! It's smart! I used the the-saurus! Chandler Bing: On every word? Joey Tribbiani: Yep! Monica Geller: Alright, what was this sentence originally? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, 'They are warm, nice, people with big hearts'. Chandler Bing: And that became 'they are humid prepossessing Homo Sapiens with full sized aortic pumps...? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah and hey, I really mean it, dude. Monica Geller: Hey Joey, I don't think we can use this. Joey Tribbiani: Why not? Monica Geller: Well, because you signed it baby kangaroo Tribbiani . Hey, why don't you stop worrying about sounding smart and just be yourself! Chandler Bing: You know what? You don't need a thesaurus, just write from here, your full sized aortic pump. Rachel Green: Amy, hi! Amy Green: I took your advice, I left Myron. Rachel Green: Oh, good for you! Amy Green: I know! I'm Erin Brockovich! Rachel Green: Yes you are! Oh, I am so proud of you! Amy Green: Thank you! So, can I stay with you? Rachel Green: But Erin Brockovich had her own house. Joey Tribbiani: Ah, look who's back! Why do you have bags? RACH, WHY DOES SHE HAVE BAGS? Amy Green: Well, I'm staying with you guys! Joey Tribbiani: What? Amy Green: We're gonna be roomies! Come on! Joey Tribbiani: You slept out here? Rachel Green: Yeah... Amy kept kicking me in her sleep yelling 'Myron, get off!' Joey Tribbiani: But uhm, we're getting rid of her, right? Rach, please tell me we're getting rid of her. Rachel Green: Joey, I can't do that! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, come on! Last night I was finishing off a pizza and she said "Uoh oh oh, a moment on the lips, forever on the hips!" I don't need that kind of talk in my house! Rachel Green: Well Joey, uhm look, I know that she's difficult, but I think it's really good that she's here. Joey Tribbiani: 'Cause we will appreciate it more when she's gone? Rachel Green: No, it's just... look, you know, when I first moved to the city I was a lot like her! I was spoiled, self-centered and you guys really took care of me. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, Monica made us! Rachel Green: Well, uhm... whatever, I have really appreciated it, 'cause I don't think I would be the person that I am today if it wasn't for you guys. See, I wanna help Amy the way you guys helped me. And I know it's gonna take patience, but that's ok. Amy Green: Good morning. Joey Tribbiani: Yeaah. Rachel Green: Amy, that's what I was supposed to wear today, that's why I hung it on the door. Amy Green: Oh, sweety, you can't pull this off. Rachel Green: Amy, you know what? I was thinking that maybe now it'd be a good time for us to sit down and, you know, talk about your future. Amy Green: Oh, I can't, honey. I'm gonna go get my eyebrows shaped. I am not happy. Oh... sure you wanna eat that? Joey Tribbiani: I'M CURVY, AND I LIKE IT! Phoebe Buffay: Hi. I just had the worst anniversary ever. Chandler Bing: I doubt that! Tell her about us last year. Monica Geller: Oh, well, I bought Chandler a five hundred dollar watch and he wrote me a rap song. Ross Geller: Seriously? Chandler Bing: Word! Phoebe Buffay: Well, mine was worse than that. Rachel Green: Well, what happened? Phoebe Buffay: We were at the game, and this guy proposed to his girlfriend on the big screen thing... Rachel Green: Oh, that is so tacky. Phoebe Buffay: Well, that's what I said, but it turns out, Mike was planning on proposing to me that same way last night! Monica Geller: Oh my God, Mike was gonna propose? Rachel Green: Phoebe, that's huge! Ross Geller: Well, do you wanna marry him? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I really do! Yes, but, after I dumped on the way he was gonna propose to me, I don't think he's ever gonna ask again! I mean, I said no in Barbados and now this! Chandler Bing: She's right! If I were a guy and... Did I just say if I were a guy..? Monica Geller: Maybe you don't need him to propose to you, maybe you can propose to him! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I don't know, I don't know, isn't that a little desperate? Monica Geller: I proposed to Chandler! Alright, moving on... Chandler Bing: Oh, I don't think it was desperate, I think it was amazing! Monica Geller: Thank you. Phoebe Buffay: Well, do you think I should propose? Rachel Green: I think it could be kind of great! Ross Geller: Absolutely! You'll love the feeling! There's nothing like it! Phoebe Buffay: Ok, ok, so how should I do it? Monica Geller: How about at a game, on the big screen? Rachel Green: Uuuh!! How about at a Footlocker? Monica Geller: What? what? He obviously thinks that's a nice way to be proposed to, plus he'd never suspect it! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, that does make sense. Ok, now, would... would you two like that? Chandler Bing: Sounds good to me... but what would a guy think? Amy Green: Nana is on the phone. Rachel Green: Oh! That's interesting, since she died seven years ago!! Amy Green: She did? Who got her condo in Boca? Rachel Green: Hello? Oh, it's our nanny! Hi! Oh... God! I hope you feel better! Ok, bye! That's Molly, she's sick. Can you watch Emma today? Ross Geller: No, I can't. I have back-to-back classes. Did Molly say what she had? Because my throat's been hurting? Rachel Green: Menstrual cramps. Ross Geller: I don't think that's what this is. Rachel Green: Can any of you watch Emma? Monica Geller: No, sorry sweety.. Phoebe Buffay: No, I've got work and then I'm proposing.. Rachel Green: Great, shoot, what are we gonna do? Amy Green: Well, I can do it. Rachel Green: Well, actually... Ross Geller: Well, can I talk to you for a sec.? Rachel Green: Yeah. Ross Geller: Um, I do not want her baby-sitting our child. Rachel Green: Why not? Ross Geller: Well, for one thing, she keeps calling her Ella! Rachel Green: Wha.. well, Ella's a nice name! Ross Geller: Fine, we'll call the next one Ella. Rachel Green: Wha... the next one? Ross Geller: Okay, um... I don't want her watching our baby. Rachel Green: Ross, I am trying to help her become a better person. This is a huge breakthrough for her! She just offered to do something for another human being!! Ross Geller: I... I don't know.. Rachel Green: Ross, I'm telling you, she's giving up getting her eyebrows shaped to do this alright? Do you understand how important that is in our world? Amy Green: um... listen, I couldn't help but overhear... 'cause I was trying to... Listen, let me do this alright? I really wanna help you guys out, and plus Rachel's been so wonderful to me... Rachel Green: Absolutely. Amy Green: Oh! Great! So how much does it pay? Chandler Bing: Hey Joe! How's the second draft of the letter coming? Joey Tribbiani: Great, I'm finished! In fact, I just dropped it off at the agency. Monica Geller: You dropped it off? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Chandler Bing: Can we read it? Can you print out another copy? Joey Tribbiani: No can do amigo. No, I didn't use the computer. Felt more personal to hand-write it. Monica Geller: You hand-wrote it? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, and don't worry. I didn't try to sound smart at all! See ya later! Monica Geller: Oh my God, oh my God, that letter is gonna go in our file! We're never gonna get a kid. No, we're gonna be one of those old couples that collects orchids or has a lot of birds! Chandler Bing: It's ok, it's ok. You know what? I'll just call the agency and tell them to throw out the letter. Monica Geller: Okay good. Chandler Bing: Hello, this is Chandler Bing. Somebody just dropped off a handwritten recommendation letter, and.. Uh-huh... Uh-huh... okay... thank you. Good-bye. . Monica Geller: Ugh, we're screwed, aren't we? You know what? Just tell me on the way to the bird store. Chandler Bing: They loved it. Monica Geller: What? Chandler Bing: They thought it was very smart of us to have a child write the recommendation letter. Monica Geller: They thought Joey was a child? Chandler Bing: She guessed 8, 9, based on his drawings. Amy Green: Hi! Monica Geller: Hey, what did you guys do today? Amy Green: Ella wanted to go out, so we went shopping and got some sushi. Chandler Bing: That sounds like fun. Amy Green: Yeah, not really. Babies are dull. Rachel Green: Hey! Hi, how's my girl? Amy Green: I'm fine! And, I got you a present for letting me stay with you. Ready? Rachel Green: Yeah! Amy Green: Ta-daaa! Rachel Green: You pierced her ears!? Amy Green: Doesn't it make her nose look smaller? Rachel Green: You pierced her ears? How could you do this without telling me? Amy Green: Well, if I had told you, then it wouldn't have been surprise, now would it? Chandler Bing: I think she looks cute. ... but I am wrong! Rachel Green: Oh my God, Oh my God, here comes Ross. He's gonna flip out. Amy Green: Why, did something happen to his falafel cart? Rachel Green: Ugh. Ross Geller: Hey guys. Ross Geller: Hey Emma. Oh, why is she wearing her hat so low? She can barely see. . Rachel Green: Nah, I don't really want her to see. Ross Geller: Why not? Monica Geller: Because there are so many terrible sights in this world. Chandler Bing: Like war. Or that thing in Joey's refrigerator. Remember? It was in a milk carton but it looked like meat? Ross Geller: Come here Oh! There she is! Hi! Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: Nothing. Ross Geller: Hi! What... . Please tell me those are clip-ons. Rachel Green: Oh, they're real! Ross Geller: Did she do this to her? I told you we shouldn't have left Emma with her! Rachel Green: I know, I know, and you were right Ross. You are soo irresponsible I am never letting you baby-sit ever again! Amy Green: Hey you know what, this kid needs me, okay? She needs to have a cool fun aunt! Monica Geller: I'm a cool, fun aunt! Amy Green: O-Okay! Chandler Bing: Hey! Monica can be cool and fun at organized indoor projects! Rachel Green: I can't believe this. All I wanted to do was help you try to figure out what to do with your life and this is how you repay me? Amy Green: Well, I don't need you to help me, because I already know what I'm going to do with my life. Rachel Green: Oh yeah? Since when? Amy Green: Since today... I am going to be a baby stylist. Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: That's not a thing! Amy Green: Well, it should be. I'm gonna help babies learn how to accessorize, what colors to wear, what clothes are slimming... Rachel Green: Babies don't care if they're slim. Amy Green: Enter Amy! Ross Geller: Amy, I ju... I just... I just wanna... Amy Green: What? What are you gonna do? Ross Geller: No more falafel for you! Mike Hannigan: Great game, huh? Phoebe Buffay: Uhuh, uhuh... Mike Hannigan: Why do you keep looking at the screen? Phoebe Buffay: I'm not. I'm praying. Please let the Knicks win... Thank you Thor! Where... where are you going? Mike Hannigan: Going go to the bathroom. Phoebe Buffay: Well, I think you should wait. Mike Hannigan: Why? Phoebe Buffay: Well, if you don't... if you don't hold it in, you don't get all the nutrients. Announcer: Knicks fans, please turn your attention to the big screen on the scoreboard. Someone has a special question to ask. Phoebe Buffay: Mike Hannigan... will you marry me? Announcer: Get a load of this... She's proposing to him. Guess we know who wears the pants in that family. Phoebe Buffay: That's not very enlightened! Phoebe Buffay: Hey, hey! Boo us? Boo you! Joey Tribbiani: Hello? Yeah, this is Joey Tribbiani... Oh, hi! Well, I'm glad you liked my letter... No my mommy and daddy aren't home right now... Okay, bye bye. She was nice! Rachel Green: Joey, get Amy's bags, she is moving out! Joey Tribbiani: Whoo-hoo! Amy Green: You're kicking me out? Rachel Green: You put holes in my baby's ears! Amy Green: Yeah well, at least now people will know she is a girl! Rachel Green: I can't believe I ever even tried to help you. You are so beyond help. Amy Green: You know what? Ever since I got here, you have been nothing but negative. Rachel Green: Excuse me? Amy Green: You didn't want me to marry the old guy with the great apartment. Then, I tried to help your daughter to de-emphasize her flaws And suddenly I am the bad guy? Rachel Green: Joey, where are those bags? Joey Tribbiani: She has a lot of crap! Amy Green: You know what? When I moved in here I thought: This is gonna be so great. Just us sisters, back together again like when we were kids, except without that stupid Jill... Oh! Who has gotten fat by the way... Rachel Green: Seriously? Amy Green: hm-mmm... Mom said she gained like fifteen pounds. Rachel Green: Hips or thighs? Amy Green: Ass and face. Rachel Green: Oh! Oh my God! I thought she was on Atkins. Amy Green: She was. Carbs found her... See, this is what I wanted. Two sisters, talking about real stuff. Rachel Green: Oh, I can give you that. Amy Green: You can? Rachel Green: Yeah. I just, I kept trying to make you a better person, but you're... you're already a pretty perfect version of what you are. Amy Green: Thank you. I've got to admit, Emma does look cute. Rachel Green: Did you just say Emma? Amy Green: Ugh, I'm sorry... Ella. Phoebe Buffay: That woman at the game didn't know what she was talking about. Mike, obviously you have balls. Mike Hannigan: But please, let's just forget the whole thing. Phoebe Buffay: I would love it. Consider it forgotten... But just so you know... however and whenever you decide to propose, I promise I'll say yes. Whether... whether, you know, it is in a basketball game, or in sky writing, or you know, like some lame guy in a cheesy movie who hides it in the cake. Phoebe Buffay: It's in the cake, isn't it? Mike Hannigan: Where else would lame Mr. No Balls hide it? Phoebe Buffay: What's the matter with me? How do I keep ruining this? I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Mike Hannigan: No! It's my fault. I keep trying to propose in these stupid ways and all I wanna do is tell you that I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Mike Hannigan: I'm gonna do this now. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Mike Hannigan: Phoebe, I... Phoebe Buffay: Wait! Oh wait! Oh no! Mike Hannigan: Ready? Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh! Mike Hannigan: Phoebe, I love you. There's no-one else in the world I would ask to marry me... three times. But I wanna take care of you, have babies with you, and grow old with you... Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me? Phoebe Buffay: Yes! Mike Hannigan: I love you! Phoebe Buffay: I love you more! Mike Hannigan: Not possible! She's gonna be Mrs. No Balls. Rachel Green: So how is the uhm... baby styling business going? Amy Green: Not that great. It's almost if people don't want to hear that their babies are ugly. Rachel Green: That's shocking! Amy Green: Oh! It's Ross... Hey Ross! Hello-oo Ross! He's rude!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey... Everyone: Hey! Rachel Green: Hi! Ross Geller: Pheebs, what's wrong? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'm just so exhausted from dragging around this... HUGE engagement ring! Everyone: OH! Rachel Green: My God! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Rachel Green: Congratulations! Wow!! Ross Geller: So, did he get on one knee, did he have a speech prepared, or did he cry? Yeah, big surprise, I like proposals! Phoebe Buffay: Well, it was really sweet, and like the most romantic thing ever. Joey Tribbiani: Well, hey! Well... Here's to Phoebe, who's found the greatest guy in the world! To Phoebe and... I wanna say Mike? To Phoebe and Mike! Everyone: Whoo! Phoebe Buffay: Thank you! Oh, and I have something for you! Rachel Green: Mmh-mmh! Phoebe Buffay: It's, yes, my little black book. It's got the numbers of all the guys I've dated. Rachel Green: Oh, Pheebs, baby, that's nice but, you know what, I think I'm ok. Why don't you give it to one of your other single girlfriends? Phoebe Buffay: I would, but you're the last one. Rachel Green: GIVE ME THE BOOK! Pablo Diaz, Brady Smith, huh, "Guy-in-van"? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, my first love! Rachel Green: Oh! Monica Geller: What does the red X next to Bob Greenmore's name mean? Phoebe Buffay: Dead. Oh, it's OK, no, he was old, yeah! And he lived a full life, he was in the first wave at Omaha Beach. Chandler Bing: Hey, I'm sorry, I should have given you guys my black book when I got married! Although it wasn't so much a book as a... napkin. With Janice's phone number on it. Rachel Green: Phoebe, isn't Jethro Tull a band? Phoebe Buffay: Oh yes, they are. Chandler Bing: Hey honey! Joey Tribbiani: Hi sweetie! Chandler Bing: Is Monica not here? Joey Tribbiani: No. Chandler Bing: Oh, then I'll tell you. My agency was bidding for a big account and they got it! It's my first national commercial! Joey Tribbiani: Cool! Chandler Bing: Yeah, and I don't wanna brag but a lot of the ideas were mine! Hell, you weren't there? All the ideas were mine!!! Joey Tribbiani: That's great! Hey, can you cast me in it? Chandler Bing: Oh... I don't know, I really don't think you're right for the part. Joey Tribbiani: What do you mean? I can do anything, I'm a chameleon! Huh? I'm old! I'm tired! Hey, I'm hot I'm cold!! Huh?? Come on! What can't I do? Chandler Bing: First of all. Bravo. Uh, but I really don't think you're right for this. The part calls for a stuffy college professor. Joey Tribbiani: I can do that! "Hello, I'm your professor. When I'm not busy thinking of important things or... professing. I like to use..." Oh, what's the product? Chandler Bing: Software that facilitates inter-business networking e-solutions? Joey Tribbiani: I'm cold! Ross Geller: Hey! Charlie Wheeler: Hey! Ross Geller: Guess who's a finalist for a huge research grant! I'll give you a hint, he's looking right at you. Charlie Wheeler: Ah, well, unless it's the creepy guy with his hand up his kilt, I'm gonna say congratulations! Ross Geller: Oh, I'm so excited, I mean, apparently I beat out hundreds of other applicants, included five guys I went to graduate school with. Not that I'm keeping score or anything... five! Charlie Wheeler: Wow, that's great! So, tell me about the grant! Ross Geller: Well, ok, it's for 25 thousand dollars. And if I get it, I'll finally be able to complete my field research! And there will be an article about me in the "Paleontology Review"! Yeah! That'll be the first time my name is in there, without people raising serious questions about my work! Charlie Wheeler: Wait. Are you talking about the Dewar grant? Ross Geller: Yeah. Why? Charlie Wheeler: Benjamin Hobart is administering that grant. Ross Geller: Your ex-boyfriend? Charlie Wheeler: Yeah. Ross Geller: So, your ex-boyfriend is gonna determine if your new boyfriend gets this grant? Wow, your new boyfriend is screwed! Charlie Wheeler: No, no, we ended up in great terms. I mean, if anything, I think this could help you. You know what? Why don't we all go out to dinner together, and I can introduce you. Ross Geller: Well, if you think it would help. Charlie Wheeler: Yes, absolutely. I'll call him. Ross Geller: Ok, now, is there anything I can do to... you know, butter him up? Anything he really likes? Charlie Wheeler: Mmh... he does have a pretty serious latex fetish. Ross Geller: We'll see how dinner goes. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey, you wanna go to see a movie? Phoebe Buffay: Well, I told you I had to spend all the day clearing out stuff, so Mike could move in. Monica Geller: Oh, right. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Monica Geller: Oh, well. Now that I'm here I might as well help you with the cleaning and organizing! Just happen to have my label maker! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's so hard to get rid of stuff! Did you and Chandler have to make compromises when you first moved in together? Monica Geller: Uh, Chandler did! What does he want you to give up? Phoebe Buffay: A bunch of stuff. And the worst one... he wants me to get rid of Gladys. Monica Geller: Who's Gladys? Oh! What a tragic loss! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. I really hate to give her up. Oh, I know!! Oh, you should take her! Monica Geller: Well, I-I-I-I... I don't know... Phoebe Buffay: Why, you don't like her? Monica Geller: Well, of course I do. What's not to like! I'll take her in a minute! But, you know, I think that you're giving up too easy, honey. I think that you need to fight for her! Phoebe Buffay: Really? You think? Monica Geller: Absolutely! Yes, you say to him "I'm sorry Mike I can't live without her, she means too much to me!" Phoebe Buffay: Ok, I'll fight for her. Ok! Oh, wait, oh I just realized... if I do that, that means you don't get her. Monica Geller: Damn it, I did not think this through! Chandler Bing: Hey you guys. Rachel Green: Hi! Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Any word on casting yet? Chandler Bing: Joe, I told you, you're just not right for the part. Joey Tribbiani: What do you mean? Rach, don't I seem like a professor you'd buy some kind of e-crap from? Rachel Green: I'm sorry, this sounds like something I'm never gonna be interested in. Joey Tribbiani: Look, c'mon, please? It's not like I'm asking for some crazy favour. This is what I do for a living. I am a professional actor! Oh, man, I'm two hours late for work! . Look, here's a copy of my reels. It's got all the commercials that I've been in. Chandler Bing: Joe... Joey Tribbiani: Just watch it, and if you don't like it, you don't pass it on to your bosses! Chandler Bing: Fine! Joey Tribbiani: Thank you. Chandler Bing: Work, Joe! Joey Tribbiani: Damn it! Chandler Bing: What am I gonna do now? Joey Tribbiani: Just pass it to your boss! Chandler Bing: He's not right for the part. So if I suggest him, my bosses are gonna think I'm an idiot! And that's something they should learn on their own! Rachel Green: Just tell Joey that you watched the tape and you liked it, but your bosses didn't. Then that way, you're the good guy and they're the bad guys. Chandler Bing: That's good! I liked it, they didn't. Joey, for God's sake, go to work! . Ross Geller: I can't believe I'm about to meet Benjamin Hobart. I've always thought of him as one of the people I'd invite to my fantasy dinner party. Do you think there's any chance he'll bring Christie Brinkley or C3PO? Charlie Wheeler: Sorry, looks like it's just him. Benjamin Hobart: Charlie! My God, you look absolutely stunning! Ross Geller: Well, I... I am having a good hair day. Benjamin Hobart: So good to see you. Charlie Wheeler: Me too. Ross Geller: I'm ok. Charlie Wheeler: I'm sorry... Ross Geller... Benjamin Hobart. Ross Geller: It's an honor to meet you. I can't tell you how long I've been an admirer of your work, I mean, that Nobel prize, whoooo! I mean, I have to tell you that, you're one of the reasons I got into the field. Benjamin Hobart: Oh, well, likewise. Actually, not likewise. I've never heard of you until this morning, but, it's nice to be nice! Charlie Wheeler: Shall we? . Benjamin Hobart: Thank you! . I can't believe that you chose this restaurant! Do you remember the night? Charlie Wheeler: Oh my God, I completely forgot! Oh my God! I can't believe they let us back in this place! . Benjamin Hobart: You weren't there! Ross Geller: No, but, it's, you know, it's just a funny image, you know, the two of you, in this restaurant, with... tzz-zzz, mmm. Charlie Wheeler: Ross, why don't you tell Benji about your proposal, while I go to the ladies room? Benjamin Hobart: So, tell me about it. Ross Geller: Ok well, I would like to do a dig in the painted desert. Benjamin Hobart: M-m. Ross Geller: See, there are still several areas that haven't been fully excavated. Benjamin Hobart: Break up with Charlie! Ross Geller: What? Benjamin Hobart: What? Ross Geller: Did you just say "break up with Charlie"? Benjamin Hobart: Well, yes, and now. Yes I did say it, and no, I didn't not say it. Ross Geller: Kind of inappropriate, don't you think? Benjamin Hobart: I'm sorry. I just haven't seen her for so long! All these feelings are rushing back! I'm starting to realize how much I missed her, and I'm gonna need you to break up with her. Ross Geller: Are you serious? Benjamin Hobart: If you say yes then I'm serious, if you say no then I'm joking! Ross Geller: No! Benjamin Hobart: Joking it is! Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Sorry, I'm late. Monica Geller: Hey, how did it go with Mike, is he gonna let you keep the painting? Phoebe Buffay: No, he really hates it. But he's gonna let me keep my box of human hair! So you got to pick your battles. But the good news is, Gladys is yours! Monica Geller: Wow, what's the bad news! Rachel Green: Who's Gladys? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, she's that work of art I made, you know, with the woman coming out of the frame. Rachel Green: Oh, and Monica gets to keep her? In her house? I am so jealous! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I didn't know you wanted her too! Monica Geller: Huh! Rachel Green: Well, I mean, sure, of course. But... you already gave that to Monica, so... Monica Geller: You know, I would give her up, for you. Rachel Green: No, I couldn't let you do that. Monica Geller: But I want to. Rachel Green: But I don't want you to. Monica Geller: But I insist! Rachel Green: But I insist harder! Phoebe Buffay: Girls, girls, stop, ok? We'll flip a coin. Heads, she's Rachel's, tails she's Monica's. . Tails! Monica, she's yours! Monica Geller: No, that landed in your food! Rachel Green: No, no, that's ok. You won fair and square. I'm so sad! Chandler Bing: Hey Joe! Joey Tribbiani: What's up? Chandler Bing: Bad news. I watched the tape and passed it along to my bosses and they weren't interested. Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Chandler Bing: I'm sorry man. Joey Tribbiani: But, ehm... you watched the tape? Chandler Bing: Yeah! I... I... I liked it! But, ehm... my bosses didn't go for it. Stupid sons of bitches! Joey Tribbiani: You didn't watch the tape. Chandler Bing: What!? Of course I did! Joey Tribbiani: Look, it's one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me? Chandler Bing: I'm not lying to you, I watched it! Joey Tribbiani: Well, you lied again! Chandler Bing: I watched it! Joey Tribbiani: Keep going Pinocchio! Chandler Bing: I did! Joey Tribbiani: No you didn't! Chandler Bing: I'm telling you, I watched the tape. Rachel Green: Did you watch the tape? Chandler Bing: No! Benjamin Hobart: The selection committee has chosen the three of you as our finalists today. The ultimate decision will be based upon the answers you give to the questions I ask here. I'm gonna start with Dr. Li. Dr. Li, you claim the field is too reliant on the Linnaean taxonomic system. How do you propose to correct this problem? Dr. Li: Well, I believe that the answers lie in the osteological evidence. I plan to begin there. Benjamin Hobart: Interesting. Ross Geller: I guess! Benjamin Hobart: Dr. Biely, your proposal includes some field work. Where might that take place? Dr. Biely: Primarily in the Pierre Shale region of South Dakota. Benjamin Hobart: Certainly. Very well. And Dr. Geller, when is my birthday? Ross Geller: What? I... I... Benjamin Hobart: Care to venture a guess? Ross Geller: May 12th? Benjamin Hobart: That's not even kinda close! Dr. Li, how many graduate students you'd be needing? Dr. Li: Half a dozen. Benjamin Hobart: I see, and Dr. Biely? Dr. Biely: Three for excavation and two for analysis. Benjamin Hobart: Certainly. Dr. Geller, which 1965 Shirelles hit was later covered by a popular British invasion band? Ross Geller: Wha..? I need 6 graduate students. Benjamin Hobart: No! I'm sorry, we were looking for "Baby It's You". Baby It's You. Ross Geller: Wha...? Wait, wait, wait, just a minute. None of my questions have anything to do with Paleontology. Benjamin Hobart: You're right, I apologize. Scratch the last question. Spell "Boscodictiasaur". Ross Geller: um... I've never heard of a "Boscodictiasaur". Benjamin Hobart: Yeah, I just made it up. Spell it. Ross Geller: Ok. B - O - S ... Benjamin Hobart: No, it starts with a silent "M". Ross Geller: Oh come on!! Chandler Bing: I can't believe Joey. I hate being called a liar! Rachel Green: But you are a liar. Chandler Bing: What did I just say? Joey Tribbiani: You still here? Chandler Bing: Yes, and I have to say, I am not just hurt. I am insulted. When I tell somebody I did something... Joey Tribbiani: Ok whoah-hey... Let me just stop you right there, ok? First, you lied, right? Then, you lied about lying, ok? Then you lied about lying about lying, ok? So before you lie about lying about lying about lying about... lying... Stop lying! Chandler Bing: Why are you so sure I didn't watch this tape? Joey Tribbiani: You wanna know wh...? You wanna know why? Rachel Green: Well, this is going well. Joey Tribbiani: Here's how I know you didn't watch the tape, ok? If you had seen what was on this tape, believe me, you would have some comments. Alright, now remember, I got paid a lot of money for this and it only aired in Japan. Joey Tribbiani: And that's how I know you didn't watch the tape! . Chandler Bing: He really is a chameleon. Phoebe Buffay: Well, Gladys say hello to your new home! Monica Geller: Oh, my! Rachel Green: Wow! Oh, she's so nice and big! Oh, Monica, where are you going to display Gladys oh so proudly? Monica Geller: I haven't really settled on a spot yet! Rachel Green: Well, hey! How about right above the TV? . That way, it will be the first thing that you see when you walk in the door! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, yeah! And you can get rid of that French poster. Monica Geller: I like that poster! Phoebe Buffay: Really? It doesn't have anything coming out of it. Or maybe there is some place for her in your bedroom? Rachel Green: Oh! There's nothing above your bed!! Monica Geller: Are you still here? Ross Geller: Oh hi! Hello! Uh, have you come to ask me some more paleontology related questions? Uhm... your grandmother's nickname, perhaps? Aunt Margaret's pants size? Benjamin Hobart: I've come here to apologize. I think I may have let my feelings for Charlie interfere with the interview process. Ross Geller: No! Stop! Benjamin Hobart: Anyway, I've decided to offer you the grant. Ross Geller: Really? Benjamin Hobart: Well... there is just one small... stipulation... Ross Geller: I have to break up with Charlie? Benjamin Hobart: Hey, you got one right! Ross Geller: You're crazy. Benjamin Hobart: Crazy, or... romantic? Ross Geller: Crazy! Benjamin Hobart: Ooor... Ross Geller: Get out! Rachel Green: O-oh my God! Joey Tribbiani: What? Rachel Green: Joey, what... is... this...thing... doing here? Joey Tribbiani: I got it from Monica. She sold it to me for a very reasonable price. Rachel Green: Joey, we're not keeping this! Joey Tribbiani: But it's an original Buffay... Rachel Green: Alright, fine. You can keep it. As long as you don't mind that she's haunted. Joey Tribbiani: Hey? what? what? wey! whoo! what? what!? Rachel Green: Well, legend has it Joey, that... she comes alive when you're asleep. Rachel Green: She climbs out of the frame, and then drags her half-a-body across the floor, just looking for legs to steal. And then with her one good hand, she slo-o-owly re-e-a-aches up and turns your doorknob. Joey Tribbiani: GET THAT LEGLESS WITCH OUT OF HERE! Monica Geller: Hey! I sold that to Joey. Rachel Green: Well, why I told him it's haunted. Two can play at this game. Monica Geller: No, too late. You can't give it back! Rachel Green: Yes I can! Monica Geller: No you can't. She's yours! Rachel Green: She's yours! Monica Geller: SHE'S YOURS! Rachel Green: She's yours! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Rachel Green: She's mine! Monica Geller: She's m-i-i-ne! Rachel Green: She's mine! Monica Geller: She's mine! Phoebe Buffay: You guys! You guys! You don't have to fight over her anymore. Whoever doesn't get Gladys gets Glynnis. Rachel Green: I want Gladys! Monica Geller: She's mine! Rachel Green: She's mine! Monica Geller: She's mine! Rachel Green: She's mine! Chandler Bing: Look, I'm sorry I didn't give them your tape. And I promise, next time to submit you whether I think you are right for the part or not. Joey Tribbiani: That's not the point Chandler. The point is that you lied. Chandler Bing: I know. You're right. What's it gonna take for you to forgive me? Monica Geller: Oh my God! Rachel Green: Excellent! Joey Tribbiani: Now, what do you say? Chandler Bing: Lying is wrong! Joey Tribbiani: And?... AND? Chandler Bing: I'm a pretty little girl. Phoebe Buffay: I knew it! Ross Geller: Your ex-boyfriend is insane. Charlie Wheeler: Did you get the grant? Ross Geller: No I didn't, and you want to know why? Because your ex-boyfriend is still in love with you. Charlie Wheeler: What? Ross Geller: Yeah. He wouldn't give me the grant, because I wouldn't give you up. Charlie Wheeler: Benji isn't in love with me. I mean, he broke up with me. And besides, he's a very ethical man. Ross Geller: Really? Is it ethical to ask someone in a grant review, who was the voice of "Underdog"? Charlie Wheeler: I'm sure he was just joking, Ross. Ross Geller: If you don't believe me, let's go talk to him, okay? I'm telling you, he didn't ask me one paleontological question. Charlie Wheeler: Seriously? Ross Geller: Oh, I'm sorry, no. He did ask me one. Uhm... How do you spell Mboscodictiosaur? Charlie Wheeler: Well, if it's like the lake Mbosco in Congo, then M-B-O... Ross Geller: Damnit! Benjamin Hobart: Dr. Geller...? Charlie... What are you... what are you doing here? Ross Geller: I want you to tell her everything. About the deal you tried to make with me, about the crazy questions you... Wally Cox! That's the voice of Underdog! Benjamin Hobart: Like I tried to tell you in the interview Ross, this grant is not based on your knowledge of pretty useless trivia. Ross Geller: No, no, no. Don't do that! I want you to look her in the eyes, and tell her the truth. Charlie Wheeler: Benji? Benjamin Hobart: Alright, it's true. I behaved horribly. But it's only because I still love you. And I would do anything to have you back in my life. Ross Geller: Too little, too late, Benji! Charlie Wheeler: I can't believe this. Benjamin Hobart: I never should have broken up with you. I think about you all the time. I mean, do you ever still think about me? Ross Geller: No! Charlie Wheeler: Yes! Ross Geller: What? Charlie Wheeler: I don't know what to say, Benji. This is all so... romantic. Ross Geller: or... Benjamin Hobart: Listen, I know, I may be way out of bounds here, but is there any chance you will take me back? Charlie Wheeler: Maybe... Ross Geller: Sweetie, this conversation is starting to make me a little uncomfortable. Charlie Wheeler: Oh God! I am so sorry, but... I mean it's... there's so much history between us, you know... Benjamin Hobart: I'm sorry too... Benjamin Hobart: I love you! Charlie Wheeler: I love you too! Ross Geller: Okay, that's it. WE ARE SEEING OTHER PEOPLE! Joey Tribbiani: Gladys? Rachel Green: Ha ha ha, third time this week. Man, this does not get old. Joey Tribbiani: You're mean! Rachel Green: Oh, don't be such a baby! end.
Ross Geller: Hey you guys! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey, what are you doing? Mike Hannigan: Oh, figuring out our wedding plans. Chandler Bing: That's funny, we were doing the same thing! Ross Geller: Yeah! Phoebe Buffay: It's really crazy! The hall, the dress, the food... I-I had no idea how expensive this stuff was! Chandler Bing: Yeah it is really pricey. I mean, I freaked when I first heard the numbers. Phoebe Buffay: So what did you two do about it? Chandler Bing: It was pretty simple actually, I came up with a couple of cost-cutting solutions, wrote out a list and Monica told me to go to hell. Ross Geller: There's no way around it Pheebs, you just gonna have to accept the fact that this is gonna cost you a lot of money. Mike Hannigan: I heard that weddings are like a 40 billion dollar a year industry. Ross Geller: Yeah, and I'm responsible for just like half of that. Phoebe Buffay: But really, it does seem like this money could be put to better use? Mike Hannigan: Are you serious? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Now, how would you feel if we gave all the wedding money to charity and we just got married at City Hall? Mike Hannigan: I think it would make me wanna marry you even more. Ross Geller: I've got to say you guys, that's an incredible gesture! Chandler Bing: Maybe you do that next time you get married! Ross Geller: No, no, no. The next time it's gonna be a Hawaii at sunset. But maybe the time after that! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: What's going on? Chandler Bing: Our adoption social worker is coming by today so we are cleaning the apartment. Monica Geller: We? Chandler Bing: You know you don't want me to help. You can't have it both ways! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, is this person who decides whether or not you... get a baby? Chandler Bing: Kind of. She's coming by to interview us and see where we live. Monica Geller: And it has to go perfectly, because if she doesn't like something about us she can keep us off every adoption list in the state. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, maybe I should stop by! She could be a soap opera fan! It's very impressive when the little people know a celebrity. Chandler Bing: Little people? Joey Tribbiani: Celebrity. Monica Geller: Ok, so I think I'm just about done here, unless you have any bad stuff hidden somewhere, like... porn or cigarettes? Chandler Bing: What...? NO! Monica Geller: Chandler? Chandler Bing: I don't, and I'm offended by the insinuation! Monica Geller: Ok, so there's not a magazine under the couch, or a pack of cigarettes taped to the back of the toilet tank, or a filthy video in the VCR? Chandler Bing: I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine, but that tape is not mine. Monica Geller: It isn't mine! Joey Tribbiani: Well, I guess we'll never know whose it is! Charity Guy: May I help you? Phoebe Buffay: Yes. We're here to make a rather sizeable donation to the children. Charity Guy: Well, any contribution, large or small, is always appreciated. Phoebe Buffay: Well, I think you're gonna appreciate it the crap out of this one. Charity Guy: Well, this is very generous! Phoebe Buffay: And we don't want any recognition. This is completely anonymous. Mike Hannigan: Completely anonymous. From two kind strangers. Phoebe Buffay: Mr. X and Phoebe Buffay. Charity Guy: Well if you like, we can include your names in our newsletter. Mike Hannigan: Not necessary. Phoebe Buffay: Buffay is spelled B-U-F-F-A-Y. Mike Hannigan: And "X" is spelled uhm... "Mike Hannigan". Charity Guy: Right. Well, on behalf of the children: thank you both very much. Phoebe Buffay: Sure, I so glad we did this. It feels so good! Mike Hannigan: It does. It feels really good! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, look! And we get these free t-shirts! Charity Guy: Oh, actually, that's the shirt I wore to the gym. Phoebe Buffay: Mhm... it's moist. Ross Geller: Hi! Rachel Green: Hi! Emma will be up in a minute! Ross Geller: Oh, good! Rachel Green: Oh hey Ross... Listen, I heard about you and Charlie. I'm really sorry. Ross Geller: Oh, that's OK. I'm sure there are tons of other beautiful paleontologists out there. Rachel Green: Absolutely. Ross Geller: There was one! She's it! All the rest look like they should live under a bridge! Rachel Green: So, uhm... what are you gonna do today? Ross Geller: Well, I was thinking of taking Emma to the playground! Rachel Green: Oh my God, what!? Ross Geller: Like I said I was thinking of taking Emma to the museum of knives and fire! Rachel Green: Ok, look, Ross. I do not want Emma going to the playground. Ross Geller: Be-caaauuuse... Rachel Green: All right, well, if you must know... I had a traumatic... swing incident... when I was little. Ross Geller: Seriously? Rachel Green: Yes, I was 4 years old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to-had to cut a big chunk of my hair! And it was uneven for weeks! Ross Geller: And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie! Rachel Green: Ok, fine! You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there. And I was thinking Claire Danes. Ross Geller: Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy, ok? But the swings are perfectly safe, and besides Emma loves them. You know what, you should come with us and you'll see! Rachel Green: Ross, those things go like 40 miles an hour! Ok? When you're... and there is that moment when you are at the top, when you just don't know if you're gonna return back to earth! Ross Geller: Space is filled with orbiting children. Look, please, just come on, you know, when you'll see the look on Emma's face, I swear you won't regret it. Rachel Green: All right! Ross Geller: Good, you don't want to be one of those mothers who pass on their irrational fears on their children, do you? Rachel Green: Irrational, huh? All right, well, I'll remember that the next time you freak out about a spider in your apartment! Ross Geller: Oh, yeah, that's the same, I am sure there are thirty different species of poisonous swings! Monica Geller: Oh my God, the adoption lady is early! Chandler Bing: Ok, ok, here we go. Monica Geller: Ok. Chandler Bing: Here we go. Stand up straight. Big smile. Phoebe Buffay: Hello, is this the creepy residence? Monica Geller: We're waiting for the adoption lady, but, hey, I'm glad you're here. I was cleaning this morning and I found this . I don't know if you wanna use it, but... Phoebe Buffay: Awe, this is so sweet of you! But you know what? I won't be needing a veil, I actually won't be wearing a dress at all! Monica Geller: I told you! I am not coming to a naked wedding! Phoebe Buffay: No, no, no, we're not having a big reception, we took the money we were gonna spend on a wedding and we donate them to the children charity. Monica Geller: That's crazy! . I am sorry. I just can't imagine giving up my one wedding day like that! Phoebe Buffay: We, you know, we're different! We don't care about having a huge party. This is really nice for you, but, oh, please, I put this on? And, ow, I look , why, well, radiant. All right, well, who cares, I don't need a pretty veil and a fancy dress. Monica Geller: That's right. You're making a commitment and that's the same, whether you do that at the Plaza or, where are you gonna do it? Phoebe Buffay: City Hall. Monica Geller: Ow! Oh, that sounds nice! I am just there for jury duty. They really spruce that place up! Phoebe Buffay: It's ok, it's ok. I made my decision. What I really want is a great big wedding. Monica Geller: Yay! Chandler Bing: But you already gave all your money to charity! Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'll just ask for it back! Chandler Bing: I don't think you can do that! Monica Geller: Why not! This is her wedding day, this is way more important than some stupid kids! Chandler Bing: That's sweet, honey, but save something for the adoption Lady. Rachel Green: Ok, careful. Ross Geller: Ok. Rachel Green: Careful, watch her hair. WATCH HER HAIR! Ross Geller: Rach, she's got like three hairs! Rachel Green: I know but they're just so beautiful! Oh, my God, I just pulled one out. Ross Geller: I promise you she's safe! No watch how much she loves this. Rachel Green: Ok. Ross Geller: Ready sweety? Rachel Green: Ok. Ross Geller: Here we go! Rachel Green: Ok, careful, ok. Oh, she's smiling! Oh my God, she does like it! Ross Geller: See, I told you! Rachel Green: Awe! Oh my God! Looks, she's a little dare-devil! Oh, let me push, can I push? Ross Geller: Oh, absolutely! Rachel Green: Ok. Oh God. Get the camera, it's in the diaper bag. Ross Geller: Ok! See? Scared of swings, I bet you feel pretty silly Ow! Mike Hannigan: We're seriously asking for our money back? Phoebe Buffay: It's for our wedding day! Right, now, is this guy gay or straight, because one of us gonna have to start flirting. Charity Guy: Wow! Are you here to make another donation the same day? I don't think that that's ever happened before. Phoebe Buffay: Gay, go. Mike Hannigan: Oh my God, I love your shirt! Phoebe Buffay: The donation we made earlier, we k..., we w..., we want it back. Charity Guy: Excuse me? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. See, that money was for a big wedding, that we thought we didn't want, but it turns out we do. Charity Guy: So you're asking us to refund your donation to the children? Mike Hannigan: Yeah! This feels really good. Phoebe Buffay: I am sorry. I am, but this wedding is just really important to me. Charity Guy: Hey, it's not my business, besides it's probably a good thing. We really would have been spoiling the children, all those food, and warm clothing... Phoebe Buffay: Hey, that's not fair! A person's wedding is important! And especially to me! Ok? I didn't have a graduation party! And I didn't go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tire yard by an escaped mental patient who is his own words wanted to "kill me" or whatever. So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it. Mike Hannigan: She could have been talking about either one of us. Laura: Hi, I am Laura, I am here for your adoption interview. Monica Geller: Hi, I am Monica and this is Chandler. Please come in. Laura: Thank you! Monica Geller: Would you like something to drink? Laura: Oh, water would be fine. Monica Geller: Ok. Great. I am so glad that you are here. We're really excited about getting this process started. Chandler Bing: Oh, because we love kids. Love 'em to death.Well, not actually to death, that's just a figure of speech - we love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law. Laura: Your place is just lovely. Monica Geller: Ah, thank you. This building does have a wholesome family feel to it. Laura: You know, I... I feel like I've been here before. Are any other couples in the building adopting? Monica Geller: Is that that couple on the first floor? Because we should get a baby before them. Yeah! That guy tried to sell me drugs. Chandler Bing: But other than that... wholesome, wholesome building. Laura: Oh... Chandler Bing: What? Laura: I just realized why I remember this place. Monica Geller: Really? What is it? Laura: Oh, it's nothing. I went on a date with a guy who lived in this building and it didn't end very well. Monica Geller: Ohh... that wouldn't by any chance be... Joey Tribbiani? Laura: Yes! Chandler Bing: Of course it was! Laura: Yeah, we had a really great night and in the morning he promised he would call me and he didn't. Chandler Bing: RAT BASTARD! Laura: So you're not friends with him? Laura: Well, I'm sorry I brought it up. So, are either one of you planning on staying at home with your child... Joey Tribbiani: Hellooo? Anybody in there order a celebrity? OW! Laura: What was that? Chandler Bing: Oh, it's just some crazy guy who roams the halls here. He's great with kids though. Rachel Green: Oh, oh Ross, oh my God, are you okay? Ross Geller: SON OF A BITCH! Oh relax! I didn't say the 'F' word! Rachel Green: Ross, see! I told you, those swings are evil! Alright, that is it. That is the last time Emma is getting on one of those things for her entire life. Ross Geller: No! No, no, no, no, okay, it wasn't the swing's fault. It was my fault and kind of that kids fault. Who is still laughing. Nice. Rachel Green: Ross, c'mon, please. Can we just get out of here, before somebody else gets hurt? Ross Geller: No wait, okay, okay, I have an idea. I want you to get on the swing, okay? And you'll see that there's nothing to be afraid of. Rachel Green: I know what this is all about... You've always been jealous of my hair. Ross Geller: Look, I just think you're an adult, okay? And you should get over your silly fears. Rachel Green: Alright fine. I'll do it. Ross Geller: Good. Rachel Green: If you hold a spider. Ross Geller: WHAT? WHERE? WHERE? Rachel Green: IF you hold a spider. Ross Geller: I know. Joey Tribbiani: Guys? Everything ok? It's me, Joe... Chandler Bing: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...AAAaaa-doption!! Laura: What's going on? Chandler Bing: Oh, just like I said. That crazy... Bert... roaming the halls. Joey Tribbiani: Guys!? Monica Geller: Keep on roaming Bert! We don't want any crazy today! Joey Tribbiani: What's going on? Chandler Bing: WE'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, BERT. EVERYTHNG'S FINE!! Joey Tribbiani: Everything doesn't sound fine! Laura: Is he alright out there by himself? Chandler Bing: Oh yeah! He has a caretaker. His older brother... Ernie. Laura: Bert and Ernie! Chandler Bing: You can't make this stuff up! Mike Hannigan: You never told me about that guy on your sweet sixteen. Oh, ugh. I'm sorry about that. Phoebe Buffay: Oh! It ended okay. One of my friends shot him. Mike Hannigan: Well, hey, at least you're getting a proper wedding. I mean, you really deserve that. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I really do. You know, I had nothing growing up. Just like the kids I took the money from. Mike Hannigan: No! No, no. I see where this is going. Don't make me go back there. Phoebe Buffay: Look, I can't have a wedding with this money now. It's tainted. Mike Hannigan: Alright, fine. We'll give the money back. Phoebe Buffay: And if that guy at the charity gives us a hard time, my friend hasn't shot anyone in a really long time. Phoebe Buffay: We're back! Charity Guy: Are you here to take more money? Because, I think what you're looking for is an ATM. Mike Hannigan: No, no, we're here to give the money back. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, because you know what, it's... it's all about the children. Phoebe Buffay: Although... it's also about the wedding... Ugh, alright... here. No... Oh God... Oh! Charity Guy: If I haven't said so already sir, congratulations! Mike Hannigan: Ok, look! Enough! Alright? I'm stepping in. I'm putting my foot down! As your future husband I'm going to make this decision for us. Now... what do you think we should do? Charity Guy: You know what? It's not your decision anymore. Mike Hannigan: What? Charity Guy: On behalf of the Children of New York, I reject your money. Phoebe Buffay: But... but... but we're giving you this! Charity Guy: Yeah... And I'm giving it back to you... Come on! Consider it a contribution. Phoebe Buffay: Well, this is very generous! Charity Guy: Please, take the check, go have a great wedding and a wonderful life together. Mike Hannigan: Well, I mean... It sounds good to me. And that way we can save up, come back in a few years and make an even bigger donation. Charity Guy: Absolutely! And when you do, make sure you ask for Brian. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, is that you? Charity Guy: No! Monica Geller: Hello...? Oh hi... Oh my God...! Really...? I can't wait to tell Chandler... Ok, goodbye. Chandler Bing: Wrong number? Monica Geller: It was Laura... She gave us a great report and we are officially on the waiting list. Chandler Bing: That's great! Monica Geller: Now we just have to wait for a call and... and someone tells us there's a baby waiting for us. Oh... Chandler Bing: Hello...? Have you seen Joey's bat? Rachel Green: Ok... I got a spider. There were two, I picked the bigger one. Ross Geller: Ok... Rachel Green: Ok... Ross Geller: This feels perfectly normal. Ok, get on the swing! Rachel Green: Ok... O-k... Rachel Green: Ok... Rachel Green: whoo... ok... wow... ok... OH! Ross Geller: See? Rachel Green: A-alright! I can do this. Ross Geller: There you go! Good for you! And you know what, I'm actually getting used to this little guy. I don't really even feel him in here anymore. Rachel Green: That's because he's on your neck. Ross Geller: Well... Whaa... aaah... aaahhh... Rachel Green: ROSS! end.
Monica Geller: Hey guys! Rachel Green: Hi! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Monica Geller: We need to talk to you about something. Chandler Bing: Yeah. We don't feel like we can host Thanksgiving this year. Everyone: What? Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Ross Geller: Are you kidding? Chandler Bing: Well, it's just with uhm, work and the stress of adoption, we just don't feel like we have the energy. Plus, we don't think it's fair that every year the burden falls on us. Ross Geller: That doesn't sound like you... That's Monica talking! Chandler Bing: No, no! We made this decision together. Ross Geller: She's putting words in your mouth! Joey Tribbiani: Don't you put words in people's mouths, you put turkey in people's mouths! Rachel Green: I can't believe this! This is Emma's first Thanksgiving! Monica Geller: No, it's not! Rachel Green: It's not? When was she born? Phoebe Buffay: Well, personally I think it's great you're giving yourself a break. Monica Geller: Thank you, Pheebs! Phoebe Buffay: Sure. It's just as well... I mean, last year wasn't very good. I think she's losing her touch. Monica Geller: What? You are way off, lady! Phoebe Buffay: Am I? Really? Am I? Well, why don't you cook Thanksgiving dinner and prove me wrong! Well, think about it, think about it, you'll be trying to top than you did last year. You'd be in competition... with yourself. Monica Geller: That's my favourite kind! Okay, we are doing this! Chandler Bing: Don't let yourself get manipulated this way! Monica Geller: Hey, stay out of this, Chandler! This is between me... and ME! Chandler Bing: We are supposed to make these decisions together! Did you not watch the Doctor Phil I taped for you? Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Rachel Green: Hi! Happy Thanksgiving! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah, happy needless-turkey-murder day. Monica Geller: You guys, I ordered some chocolate pies from that bakery on Bleecker. Could you pick them up for me? Phoebe Buffay: You're not making the pies yourself? Monica Geller: No, no, no, I don't make chocolate pies. When I was younger I-I enter in this pie-eating contest. I ate so many that just the thought of them made me sick. Rachel Green: Did you at least win the contest? Monica Geller: 2 minutes, 12 pies and a part of one tin! Okay, I see you guys at 4. Rachel Green: Can't wait! Monica Geller: This dinner is gonna be so great! In your face, last year "me"! Phoebe Buffay: Hey Rach. Rachel Green: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: What's Emma doing today? Rachel Green: Well, let's see... uh... I know that she has a meeting with her lawyer and then she has to make a very big poop. Why? Phoebe Buffay: Well, I wanna enter her in a baby beauty pageant. Rachel Green: Oh my God! That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, but, well, before you say no, my friend Susanne is entering her kid and compared to Emma she's a real dog! Rachel Green: Oh! Phoebe, all babies are beautiful! Phoebe Buffay: Oh... okay. Rachel Green: Phoebe, just the idea of pitting one baby against another, I mean, you know, and judging who's cuter just for a trophy... Rachel Green: And a thousand dollars. Rachel Green: ...is something I'm very interested in! Oh please, do not tell Ross. He still believes that what's in the inside is important... Phoebe Buffay: Okay, oh, and Emma needs a cowgirl outfit for the competition. Rachel Green: Where am I gonna get a cowgirl outfit on Thanksgiving? Phoebe Buffay: Well, I was thinking... Rachel Green: Oh, take the clothes of Joey's Cabbage Patch Kid. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Monica Geller: Did someone drop the baton again? Chandler Bing: Why come all the way from Kansas to do that? Monica Geller: I don't get older. I just get better! Chandler Bing: You know what just occurred to me? This could be our last Thanksgiving just the two of us. I mean, we could be getting a baby soon! Monica Geller: You don't know that. Chandler Bing: Somebody is gonna pick us. Monica Geller: Yeah, but we haven't heard a thing from the adoption agency and it has been weeks! Chandler Bing: I'm telling ya! It's gonna happen. Next year it's gonna be you, me and the little Hemingway Bing. What, he's my favourite author! Monica Geller: Name one of his books. Chandler Bing: "The Firm"? Monica Geller: Ok, let's see... uhm, okay, the turkey is in the oven, the stuffing is ready... Chandler Bing: You know, you always cook this meal all by yourself. Let me help this year. Monica Geller: Oh, Chandler, that's sweet. But you don't have to do everything Doctor Phil tells you to do. Chandler Bing: I'm serious, let me do something, just not the turkey or the stuffing, nothing "high profile". Monica Geller: Ok, let's see... Oh, the cranberry sauce, it is easy to make and no-one really cares about it. Chandler Bing: Tell me more. Monica Geller: Okay, I'm gonna go check on something across the hall. You start by washing these Not with soap!! Chandler Bing: You obviously haven't tasted my Palmolive potatoes! Ross Geller: Hey! Hey, guess what Joey has! Joey Tribbiani: Three tickets to today's Rangers game!! Ross Geller: Dude, I wanted him to guess. Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Chandler Bing: Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, they're great seats too! Ross Geller: Guess where they are? Joey Tribbiani: Center ice. Ross Geller: Did I do something to you? Chandler Bing: Hmm, the game's at one. Ross Geller: So? Chandler Bing: Dinner is at four, we'll never gonna make it back. Joey Tribbiani: So we'll leave before it's over, we'll be back in time. Chandler Bing: You say that now, but it could take us a long time to get back home. Plus Joey could get lost and and they could have to page us to go pick him up. Joey Tribbiani: Dude, two times that happened! Chandler Bing: Look, Monica has been working hard all day, she didn't wanna host this thing in the first place, we shouldn't go! Ross Geller: He's right, man. Joey Tribbiani: Right, I guess. Alright, so see you at four. Chandler Bing: Okay. And get ready to taste my very special cranberries. Or should I say... chanberries! Joey Tribbiani: That's some gentle comedy, dude. Ross Geller: We're still going at the game, right? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Ross Geller: Yeah. Host: This is contestant number sixteen, Rebecca... Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Rachel Green: Oh Phoebe, listen. Well, I think we gotta go. This place is really freaking me out. I've been watching this guy over there, I don't think he came with a kid! Phoebe Buffay: We can't leave now! There was this one baby, Haley, who was favourite to win and she got croup, so she had to stay home! This competition just blew wide open, folks! Rachel Green: Phoebe, I think... It's just too weird, I just saw a one year old running around with pantyhose on! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I know, we should have been more prepared. It's okay. Now, the way I see it, our real competition now is Cameron. Oh my God, they just took her sweater off. Look at those arms! Hello Michelin Man. Rachel Green: Oh, Phoebe! Come on! You know what, it's already three o'clock and they haven't even gotten to Emma's group yet. We gotta go, we got dinner! Phoebe Buffay: But Emma's got what it takes, she could go all the way! Rachel Green: Phoebe, you have to calm down. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Rachel, the hottest babies in the Tri-State Area are in this room right now! I overheard one of the judges say that not one of them holds a candle to Emma! Rachel Green: Really? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Rachel Green: You heard them say that? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Rachel Green: All right, okay. Alright, let's give to these babies something to cry about! Phoebe Buffay: Good! Oh yay! Let's get down to business! Emma needs some makeup! Rachel Green: No, what? Phoebe Buffay: Well, she's gonna look all washed out next to the other contestants! Rachel Green: No Phoebe, I am not letting you put makeup on my baby! Phoebe Buffay: Why not! Rachel Green: Because I already did! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, Bob, get off the guy! Ross Geller: Oh! What a game, huh? Joey Tribbiani: I know, yeah. Ross Geller: I can't believe Chandler is missing this! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. I am sorry he's not here too, but I got to say, I am really enjoying Nacho Chair. Ross Geller: Yeah, I'd probably enjoy it more if you didn't keep batting my hand away. Joey Tribbiani: Ohhhh! These seats are great! Ross Geller: I know, I know! When I was here for Holidays on Ice I was sitting so far away Michelle Kwan couldn't read my banner! Joey Tribbiani: Wow, hey, we'd better get going. If we don't leave right now, we'll be late for dinner. Ross Geller: Oh, but it's a kind game! So we're a little late, you know, the girls will be there, let's stay just for one more goal. Joey Tribbiani: I don't know... Ross Geller: One more fight! Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Ross Geller: Okay. Monica Geller: Where is everybody? They're forty-five minutes late! Chandler Bing: I can't believe they are not here! I slave and I slave for what? They've ruined cranberry day! Joey Tribbiani: How late are we? Ross Geller: Forty-five minutes. Joey Tribbiani: Wow. Ross Geller: Here! Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Rachel and Phoebe are already there, okay? So they probably started without us. We could just slip in and no-one needs to know where we were! Ross Geller: You may want to lose the foam finger! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You just want to put it on your hand! Ross Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Joey Tribbiani: You are not at Thanksgiving? Rachel Green: No... Phoebe Buffay: No, we're late! Rachel Green: What are you doing here! Ross Geller: We're late too! Joey Tribbiani: We figured we could be late because you guys were gonna be on time. Phoebe Buffay: Don't point that thing at me, Tribbiani! Ross Geller: So, nobody's here? Monica's gonna kill us! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, where were you! Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah, what's with the trophy! Phoebe Buffay: Uh, we were at the Spelling Bee! Rachel Green: And I won! Ross Geller: You won an adult Thanksgiving day spelling bee. Rachel Green: Yes! Y-E-S. Yes! Ross Geller: Let me see this... Grand Supreme Little Darling, New York Division. Rachel Green: Yeah. That's me! Ross Geller: You entered Emma into a Beauty Pageant? Phoebe Buffay: And it looks like she put makeup on her! Joey Tribbiani: Wait a second, wait a second, where have I seen that cowgirl outfit before... Ross Geller: I can't believe this, she's our daughter! That you would treat her like some kind of showdog is inexcusable! Rachel Green: She won a thousand dollars! Ross Geller: So this is an annual thing? Joey Tribbiani: Oh! That's Alicia Mae Emory's outfit! Phoebe Buffay: You guys, there are people in there who are not getting any happier! Ross Geller: Yeah. What are we gonna do? Rachel Green: Well, I don't know, you guys figure it out, I got to put Emma down for a nap. Joey Tribbiani: All right. Hey Rach, while you're in there, throw something on Alicia Mae. Phoebe Buffay: Alright, what are we gonna say? Ross Geller: Ooh, we'll say that we were mugged! You can't get mad at someone who's been mugged! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, good, that's good, but you don't look like you were mugged! Joey Tribbiani: No. Here. Ross Geller: HEY! Monica Geller: Do you hear something? Chandler Bing: They're out there! Monica Geller: Ohhh! Let me see! Oh God, I can't believe this! They're an hour late and they're just staying out there, talking! Chandler Bing: Everything is so distorted! Looks like Joey has a giant hand! Which says "Rangers" on it. They went to the game! Monica Geller: Oooh! They are in for a world of pain! Chandler Bing: Ross' shirt is torn. Monica Geller: Oh! They're late and they're sloppy! Rachel Green: Alright, Emma is napping... what happened to your shirt? Ross Geller: I got mugged. And they stole my pocket. Phoebe Buffay: We're just... we're trying to figure out an excuse. Hey! Ooh! How about this: We can say that Monica told us 5 o'clock, not 4 o'clock. That way we're right on time! OR... or, we can plant PCP in the apartment and call the cops on her. Ross Geller: That would be a good way to get rid of all the PCP we have lying around. Rachel Green: You know what, we just say that she said it was 5 o'clock. We'll just act casual. We're not late, we're right on time. Ross Geller: We know you're out there. Joey Tribbiani: Who do you think its from? Rachel Green: Oh, God. This is bad. This is so bad. Ross Geller: Well, let's just go in there and face them. Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm not going in first. I bet that vein on Monica's forehead is popping like crazy. Joey Tribbiani: I hate that thing, it's like a... bolt of lightning. Rachel Green: Oh, hey, I have an idea. Why don't we play rock-paper-scissors, and whoever loses goes in first. Ready? . Joey Tribbiani: Ah-haah! I win!! Ross Geller: What is that? Joey Tribbiani: That's fire. Beats everything. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, really? Does it beat water balloon? . Joey Tribbiani: Ooh! Well played, Phoebe Buffay, well played. Rachel Green: Alright, enough, enough, come on. Let's just all go in at the same time. Everyone: Alright, okay. Phoebe Buffay: It's locked. Ross Geller: Wha...? Oh sure, now they lock it, but when they're having sex on the couch, its like: "Come on in, my butt is surprisingly hairy". Rachel Green: Alright, come on... Alright, you guys. We're so sorry we're late. Please let us in, so we can have dinner together. Monica Geller: No! Everything's cold. The turkey's dried out and the... the stuffing is all soggy. Chandler Bing: Yeah, and there's a bowl of cranberry sauce that... what happens to cranberry sauce? Monica Geller: Nothing. It's fine. Chandler Bing: Oh thank God! Ross Geller: Come on you guys, we're sorry, alri...? Our subway broke down. Chandler Bing: That's a lie, you went to the game, I can see Joey's hand. Ross Geller: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TAKE IT OFF!! Rachel Green: You guys, come on, it doesn't matter why we're late. We're all here now, please let us in so we can have some of your delicious turkey. Joey Tribbiani: I had a dream once about a fax machine that did that. Monica Geller: That's all the turkey you're gonna get. Ross Geller: How are we gonna decide who gets this? Joey Tribbiani: WATER BALLOON! Phoebe Buffay: What are we gonna do? I'm starving. Rachel Green: Oh, I just remembered. We do have something to eat. Monica put something in our oven this morning. Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah! Monica Geller: Hey, you touch that and you will be sorry. Chandler Bing: Guys, I'd listen to her. The vein is bigger than I've ever seen it. Rachel Green: Huh... OH MY GOD IT'S BRUSSELS SPROUTS. Ross Geller: That's worse than no food. Chandler Bing: HA-HA! All you got was Monica's stinky Brussels sprouts! Monica Geller: Stinky?! Chandler Bing: Please let me stay on this side of the door. Rachel Green: Oh, I know... I still have my old key! We can just unlock the door. Phoebe Buffay: Well, I don't know if that's such a good idea. They clearly don't want to be with us. Rachel Green: You know what? I don't want to be with them either, but it's Thanksgiving and we should not want to be together, together. Joey Tribbiani: Just get in there and make a face to face apology, you know? Look them in the eye. I know I can get them to forgive us. Ross Geller: I don't know... Joey Tribbiani: I'm telling ya... I can do it. Ross Geller: Yeah, he can do it! Rachel Green: Oh! Joey Tribbiani: Oh! It all looks so beautiful: the turkey, the stuffing... Chandler Bing: The cranberries...? Monica Geller: Oh! Enough! A monkey could have made 'em! Joey Tribbiani: Hey listen guys, we feel really terrible. Chandler Bing: He's doing that weird eye contact thing. Don't look at him, don't look at him! Joey Tribbiani: Come on you guys, we want you to know we're very very sorry. Right guys? Ross Geller: I feel terrible. Joey Tribbiani: Now let's not ruin this day. You worked so hard. Let's move past this and try to have a nice meal all together, huh? Chandler Bing: The floating heads do make a good point. Monica Geller: Yeah, they do seem to feel pretty bad. Rachel Green: So bad. Ross Geller: So bad. Phoebe Buffay: So bad. Monica Geller: Okay, okay. You two go get the dessert. And I'll let you in. Rachel Green: Dessert? Monica Geller: Yeah, I asked you and Phoebe to pick up the pies. You did remember, right? Phoebe Buffay: Pies, oh, we thought you said priiiize . Here! . Monica Geller: Grand Supreme Little Darling? Rachel Green: Congratulatioooons! Monica Geller: Oh my God! YOU FORGOT THE PIES? Well, I cannot believe this. You force me to make dinner, then you're an hour late and you forget the one little thing that I asked you to do. Ross Geller: Really girls, not cool. Chandler Bing: Well, you manheads aren't any better. You lied about going to the game. You knew it would make you late, and you still went anyway. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! I'm getting a little tired of this okay? We said we're sorry. It's Thanksgiving for Pete's sakes! A day of forgiveness! Ross Geller: It's a day to be thankful. Joey Tribbiani: Don't make me come up there! Monica Geller: It's too late for apologies. Joey Tribbiani: Fine! Let's just go. I don't need your stupid dinner. Chandler Bing: That would be a lot more convincing if you weren't drooling. Rachel Green: Ewww, is that what that is? Joey Tribbiani: Sorry! Phoebe Buffay: Come on you guys, let's just do our own Thanksgiving. Rachel Green: Yeah! I'll cook! Ross Geller: Yeah! Let's go out. Rachel Green: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! You three have a nice Thanksgiving. Monica Geller: The three of us? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! You, Chan, and the vein! Joey Tribbiani: Ha! Joey Tribbiani: Oh-oh! I'm stuck! Monica Geller: Joey, that is not gonna work. Joey Tribbiani: No seriously... I'm really wedged in here. Phoebe Buffay: I'll pull you through. Ross Geller: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: aaw-ahhh-aaahhh STOP! STOP! I'm worried about damaging my head. Chandler Bing: A little late for that. Joey Tribbiani: Alright, hurry up, you gotta do something. Monica Geller: Alright, well, this does not change anything. Okay, we need to get something to grease the sides of his face. Chandler Bing: Uhm, we've got turkey grease. Monica Geller: Bring it. Joey Tribbiani: I just wanna say that I'm sorry I referred to the vein as a seperate person... Monica Geller: Here you go! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, that smells good! Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Monica Geller: Okay, try it. Joey Tribbiani: It isn't working. Monica Geller: Alright, we're gonna have to unscrew the chain. Joey Tribbiani: Well hurry, I can't feel my ears! Chandler Bing: Can you ever feel your ears? Joey Tribbiani: Interesting... Monica Geller: Chandler, where are your tools? Chandler Bing: Oh, I left them on my bulldozer... I don't have tools! Monica Geller: I do, but Rachel borrowed them. Rachel Green: I lent them to Ross. Ross Geller: I gave them to Joey. Joey Tribbiani: I left them at the park. Monica Geller: Oh! Ross Geller: I'm finding it really hard not to mess with him. Phoebe Buffay: I've already stuffed a bunch of Brussel sprouts down his pants. Ross Geller: Nice! Monica Geller: Okay, I have to get that. Now when I get back, I want you and your friends to be gone. Thanksgiving is over. The Vein has spoken. Joey Tribbiani: It's really starting to hurt. Chandler Bing: Okay, look, I'm gonna pull on the door and you guys push as hard as you can. Maybe we can get enough room to wiggle him out, okay? Okay, so PUSH! Phoebe Buffay: Just a sec., we're kind in the middle of something here. Joey Tribbiani: Ooh! Stop putting things down my pants! Chandler Bing: Come on guys, PUSH! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Come on! Chandler Bing: My cranberries! Joey Tribbiani: Man, I've got food all over me. Chandler Bing: Argh! I can't believe what you did. Monica's gonna kill you! Chandler Bing: Look! Look! Look what the... Look what... Look what the floating heads did! Monica Geller: I don't care. Chandler Bing: What's going on? Monica Geller: That was the adoption agency... Chandler Bing: And? Monica Geller: WE'RE GETTING A BABY! Chandler Bing: Are you serious? Monica Geller: There's a pregnant woman in Ohio, and she picked us! Rachel Green: I'm so happy for you! Monica Geller: This Thanksgiving kicks last Thanksgiving's ass! Rachel Green: To Monica and Chandler... and that knocked up girl in Ohio. Ross Geller: I'm just so happy you guys are finally getting a kid. Phoebe Buffay: I know. Have you considered pageanting? Monica Geller: I can't believe they called, and we're actually getting a baby. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I know how you feel... Rachel Green: Really? Joey Tribbiani: Sure. I went through the exact same thing with Alicia Mae Emory... The waiting, the wandering... Then one day... I get that call from Toys "R" Us... She was in stock! Chandler Bing: That is the exact same thing.
Chandler Bing: Hi! Ross Geller: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Chandler Bing: We're just here to say goodbye, we're off to Ohio. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, right! Your adoption interview! Monica Geller: Yep, we're gonna meet the lady who could be carrying our baby. Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe it. When you guys come back, you're gonna have a baby! That is so weird! Chandler Bing: And so incorrect! Monica Geller: She's only a couple of months pregnant. She liked our application but who knows if she's gonna like us. Ross Geller: Come on, she's gonna love you guys! Chandler Bing: Uhm, thank you, but we're really trying not to get our hopes up. Monica Geller: And a lot could still get in our way. Chandler Bing: Yeah. I mean, this girl could decide against adoption or she could like another couple better.. Phoebe Buffay: What are you gonna name the baby? Chandler Bing: I can develop a condition in which I talk and talk and no one hears a word. Joey Tribbiani: But just think, ok? What if everything goes right? What if this woman does pick you guys? Monica Geller: Oh my God. She's gonna pick us! Chandler Bing: So we're standing firm on the 'not getting our hopes up'? Monica Geller: You know, I know that things could still go wrong but if they don't? If this works out, we're gonna have a baby Chandler, a baby! Chandler Bing: Yes, but... Monica Geller: Oh my God, it's gonna WORK! We're gonna make it work! I'm gonna be a mummy and you're gonna be a daddy! All right, I'll see you suckers. I'm gonna get me... A BABY! Chandler Bing: Oh, screw it, I'm gonna be a daddy!! Rachel Green: Hey, who's Phoebe with? Joey Tribbiani: I'm gonna say someone I'm gonna have sex with. Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: So... who's your friend? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, that's Sarah. No, no. Don't you get any ideas, ok? No, I'm not setting you up with any more of my friends! Joey Tribbiani: OW, why, why, why? Phoebe Buffay: Because you'll date her once, sleep with her and then forget she exists! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, name one friend of yours that I did that with. Phoebe Buffay: Mandy. Joey Tribbiani: Mandy, uh? Uh... really hot blonde, big boobs? Phoebe Buffay: No. Joey Tribbiani: I know why I don't remember her, huh? Rachel Green: Do you think I'm someone else? Joey Tribbiani: Ok, I may not have treated your friends well in the past, but I have grown up a lot, really. Honest, Rach? Rachel Green: Well, believe it or not, it's true. When Joey and I were together, he was wonderful. He was thoughtful and mature. And for the one week that we went out, he didn't sleep with anybody else! Joey Tribbiani: Growth! Phoebe Buffay: Fine, I'll give you her number. Joey Tribbiani: Ok, thank you. And I promise you I will not forget this one. Mandy. Phoebe Buffay: SARAH! Joey Tribbiani: Saraaah. Ross Geller: Hey! Rachel Green: Hi! Ross Geller: Hey you guys, I need some fashion advice. Rachel Green: Oh! Ross Geller: How does this look? Rachel Green: Well, it's a little low... pick up a little... a little bit more... a little bit more... There you go! Now throw it away! Ross Geller: C'mon! This looks good! Rachel Green: Ross, please, trust me. I buy 30 fashion magazines a month. Now, I don't know who's running for president or who that... NATO guy is, but I do know that you have to get as far away as you can from that hat. Ross Geller: Damnit! I have this date tomorrow night and I have to look cool! Phoebe Buffay: Well, you know, if you want fashion help, Rachel and I are going shopping tomorrow. You're more than welcome to come with us, right? Ross Geller: Really? That would be great. I mean, I have to do something, she kinda teased me about how I dress. Joey Tribbiani: I can see why, nice shirt! Ross Geller: You're wearing the same shirt. Joey Tribbiani: Stupid Gap on every corner! Agency Guy: Please, make yourself comfortable and I will back in a moment with Erica. Monica Geller: Ok, thank you. Uh, well this is it. Are you OK? Chandler Bing: Yeah. Just weird, you know. It's like: "Hi, I'm Chandler. May I have the human growing inside you?" Monica Geller: Uh, we're gonna be great. Chandler Bing: You're gonna be great. Monica Geller: Well... obviously! Agency Guy: Monica, Chandler. I'd like you to meet Erica. Monica Geller: Hi. It is so, so nice to meet you. Erica: Hi... Chandler Bing: Thank you so much for agreeing to see us. Erica: Hi. Agency Guy: I'll let you get acquainted. Chandler Bing: Ok. Erica: So, it's Monica and Chandler. I only know you as file 0W33815-D. Chandler Bing: That's what our friends call us. Erica: Gosh, you know, you're just such an amazing couple. It's... kind of intimidating. Monica Geller: I don't know about that. Erica: You're kidding me? I mean, it's enough that you are a doctor. But on top of it, you're married to a reverend? Chandler Bing: I don't think that's exactly... Monica Geller: Let her finish, doctor. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, my friend Sarah had a great time last night. Joey Tribbiani: Well... Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! So you're gonna call this one back? Joey Tribbiani: Nope. Phoebe Buffay: What are you talking about? Sarah's great! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, really? You know what your great friend did? We're out to dinner, ok? We're getting along, having a really nice time. I was thinking she was really cool. And then, out of nowhere... Phoebe Buffay: That's it? That's why you won't go out with her again? So, she took some fries, big deal! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, look! It's not about a few fries... it's about what the fries represent. Phoebe Buffay: What? Joey Tribbiani: ALL FOOD! Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, I can't believe I set you up with such a MONSTER! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Look. I take a girl out, she can order whatever she wants! The more, the better! All right? Just don't order a Garden salad and then eat my food! That's a good way to lose some fingers! Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Rachel Green: Hi. Phoebe Buffay: Thank God you're here. Listen to this! Rachel Green: what? Phoebe Buffay: Joey and my friend were out last night and having dinner and she reaches over and takes a few of his fries... Rachel Green: Oh! Oh, no! Phoebe Buffay: What? You know about the plate thing? Rachel Green: Oh, yeah. Joey doesn't share food. I mean, just last week we were having breakfast and he had a couple of grapes on his plate and ... Phoebe Buffay: You wouldn't let her have a grape? Rachel Green: Oh no! Not me! Emma! Joey Tribbiani: JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD! Phoebe Buffay: Well, I still think that it's a stupid reason not to call someone again. You are calling her! And if you need to, just get an extra plate of fries for the table! Joey Tribbiani: I like that! A sharing buffer! Yeah! I'll order some extra fries! Maybe a plate of onion rings. Yeah. And a shrimp cocktail. And some buffalo wings. Maybe an individual pizza, uh? And some mozzarella sticks. What were we talking about? Phoebe Buffay: This place is awesome! Ross Geller: You know, we should just go, I'm not gonna find anything here! This stuff is ridiculous! Rachel Green: Ah, this place is great! Phoebe Buffay: Wow! Ross Geller: Rach, come on, I'm not gonna wear any of this! Nothing silver. . Ok? Nothing with hair! And nothing with padlocks on it! . Rachel Green: Ross, look, I know that some of this stuff is out there, but I mean, come on, look at this, look at this sweater! . I mean, this is just beautiful! Ross Geller: Wow, this is really soft . Three hundred and fifty dollars? Rachel Green: Yeah, down from seven hundred, you are saving like two hundred bucks! Ross Geller: Both logic and math are taking a serious hit today. Phoebe : Hey, check this out! It's totally you! Ross Geller: Wow! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Ross Geller: Actually this looks like pretty good! Yeah! Boys will be boys? Phoebe Buffay: What? They will be! Ross Geller: All right, that's it, I'm getting out of here. Rachel Green: No, no, no, no! Ross, wait! Come on! You know, there's other stuff. Here's a nice shirt, look at these nice pants... Ross Geller: Uh, actually these might look pretty good on me. Rachel Green: Yes, they will! You know what you should do? Just go take a walk, all right? I know your size and I'm... I'm gonna pick up some really good stuff for you. Ross Geller: Really? Rachel Green: Yes! And I know what looks sexy on guys. Please, just wear what I suggest, and she's gonna go nuts for you. Ross Geller: So, you're saying, uh, if I wear these pants I might be getting into hers? Rachel Green: Why do men keep talking to me like this? Chandler Bing: So, the fact that I am a doctor, and my wife's a reverend, that's important to you? Erica: Yeah, I read some great applications, but then I thought "who better then a minister to raise a child!" Monica Geller: Amen. Chandler Bing: Plus I thought the baby would be in good hands with a doctor! Monica Geller: Uh, good hands. Healing hands. Erica: Reverend, can I ask? Does the bible say anything about adoption? Monica Geller: It says "Do it!". And behold she did adopt onto them a baby. And it was good. Erica: Wow. Chandler Bing: Yeah, wow. Erica: I was wondering you both have such serious jobs. Would you have time to take care of a baby and your flock? Monica Geller: Oh, you know, my flock is good, I mean, yeah, my flock pretty much takes care of themselves at this point. Good flock. Flock, flock, flock. Erica: Being a doctor must take up a lot of time. Chandler Bing: No-ot for me it doesn't. Agency Guy: So, how's everything going in here? Erica: We're great, I think I may have asked all my questions. Agency Guy: Do you have any question for Erica? Chandler Bing: Yeah, actually. So, you read a file that you liked and you gave the agency the serial number and they contacted us? Agency Guy: Yes, our system assures total anonimity. We're very proud of it. Chandler Bing: You should be. You're really on top of stuff.. Agency Guy: Well, then if there's nothing else, then the two of us should talk. Erica: Actually, I don't think we have to. Monica Geller: We don't? Erica: Yeah, when I read about you two, I was pretty sure I wanted you, but I just thought we should meet face to face. . I've made my decision. I choose them. Monica Geller: Oh my God, this is great! This is so great! . Did you hear that? Chandler Bing: Yeah, I did. Monica Geller: Hey, thank you. Thank you so much. . You are SO going to Heaven! Rachel Green: We got some really great stuff! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, yeah but I am not sure about some of the bra's I got. Rachel Green: Oh! Really? Do you wanna try some of them on for me? Phoebe Buffay: Oh! okay. Wait, are we in Joey's imagination? Rachel Green: Oh no! I took one of Ross' bags by mistake, and one of mine is missing. Phoebe Buffay: oh, well, Ross probably has it, you can get it from him later. Ross Geller: So? What do you think? Joey Tribbiani: I think were not wearing the same shirt anymore!! Ross Geller: Yeah! Yeah! Rachel picked it out for me. She told me to trust her and you know what? I'm glad I did! I turned quite a few heads on my way over here. Joey Tribbiani: Dude, I really don't think you should be wearing that. Ross Geller: Oh, I see, somebody is afraid of a little competition with the ladies? Joey Tribbiani: Looks like someone IS the ladies!! Ross Geller: You're just jealous because you couldn't pull this off. Yeah, now if you'll excuse me I have a date. See? ALL eyes on ME! Chandler Bing: We are NOT signing those papers. Monica Geller: Why not? Chandler Bing: It's wrong. They made a mistake. They think we're somebody else. Monica Geller: God works in mysterious ways. Chandler Bing: You have gotta stop! Monica Geller: But she liked us. Chandler Bing: She likes Doctor Chandler and Reverend Monica. Monica Geller: Well, if you think about it, I am kind of like a Reverend. I mean, as a chef, I serve God, by feeing the hungry and poor. Chandler Bing: Your Veal Chop is $34,95! Monica Geller: C'mon Chandler, I think we have been given an opportunity. I mean, the mistake has already been made. They are writing up the paper right now. Chandler Bing: But we are not the one she chose! How can you feel okay about this? Monica Geller: Because... We may not be who she thinks we are but no-one will ever love that baby more than us. Chandler Bing: I know.. Monica Geller: I mean, who knows how long it's gonna take for someone else to give us a baby? What if, what if no one ever picks us? Chandler Bing: oh, honey.. Monica Geller: Please.. please, we are so close. Chandler Bing: Monica, I want a baby too, but this woman is giving away her child. She deserves to know who it's going to. Monica Geller: okay, right. Chandler Bing: So, we'll tell the truth and who knows, maybe she'll like us for us. Monica Geller: Maybe she will. Uh! Why couldn't I have been a Reverend? Chandler Bing: You're Jewish. Monica Geller: Technicality! Waiter: A garden salad for the lady. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, that looks great! Good ordering! Waiter: Seafood platter for the gentleman and extra fries. Enjoy! Sarah: Mmmh, those fries look delicious. Joey Tribbiani: oh, I didn't know you liked French fries. Help yourself! What's mine is yours. Sarah: Oh wow, are those stuffed clams? Joey Tribbiani: Uuuh.. yes, they are my stuffed clams. Joey Tribbiani: How about those fries though, huh? Sarah: They are delicious. Joey Tribbiani: You are beautiful, you know that? Sarah: Oh, that is so sweet.. Joey Tribbiani: Oh okay.. Joey Tribbiani: NOW look what you did!! Sarah: What? what is the matter with you? Joey Tribbiani: I don't like it when people take food off of my plate, okay? Sarah: But you just said "What's mine is yours"? Joey Tribbiani: WELL, I DIDN'T MEAN IT! Sarah: Fine, I'm sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal. Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry, I'm overreacting. Okay, It's just when it comes to food, I have certain rules, okay, I mean There are things you do..and you now, things.. that you don't do . Girl: Wow, this place looks great. Ross Geller: Oh! You are gonna love it! and I'm so glad, we're finally doing this. Girl: Me too! Ross Geller: Here So this was fun! Joey Tribbiani: I really am sorry about, you know..before. I just want to make sure you know that I really do like you. Sarah: Sure Just not as much as clams. Joey Tribbiani: Well, stuffed clams. Waiter: Chocolate Torte for the lady, cheesecake for the gentleman. Joey Tribbiani: Uh, excuse me sir, there seems to be some sort of red crap on my cheesecake. Waiter: Yes, that's Raspberry coule. Joey Tribbiani: So stupid, ordering cheesecake, trying to be healthy. Sarah: Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, all right, I'll just have what she's having instead. Waiter: Oh, I'm sorry sir, that was our last piece. Sarah: Mmmm! Mmm! Sarah: Oh, no! This is work. I should call in. Can you excuse me? Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, sure. No problem. Sarah: What are you doing? I thought you don't share food. Joey Tribbiani: Sure I do. Coule? Sarah: No. If I can't have your clams, you can't have my dessert. This is a two way street. Joey Tribbiani: Really? Sarah: Really! Now this all better be here when I come back. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, of course. I can control myself. Joey Tribbiani: Stop staring at me! Joey Tribbiani: Why, just a tiny little... Joey Tribbiani: Oh-oh! TIME LAPSE. Joey Tribbiani: I'm not even sorry. Erica: Hi! Adoption Agency Guy: Hey. Chandler Bing: Hey. Agency Guy: So, these are the preliminary forms for an open adoption. There's a lot to go over, but I'll explain everything as we go through it. Monica Geller: I-Is... Is that a picture? Erica: Yeah. It's a sonogram they took of the baby last week. I thought you might want to see it. Monica Geller: Look, doctor! Look, before we sign anything we really have to talk... We're not who you think we are. Agency Guy: I don't understand. Chandler Bing: The agency must have made some mistake. My wife is not a reverend and I'm not a doctor. Erica: What? Agency Guy: That's impossible. Chandler Bing: I could perform an operation on you and prove it if you'd like. Agency Guy: I'll go check your file. Excuse me. Erica: So who are you? Chandler Bing: Well, our names really are Monica and Chandler. We're from New York. Monica Geller: Yeah, but the important thing to know about us, is how much we would care for this little baby. Erica: So you lied to me before? Monica Geller: Well, we... "bore false witness"... See I could be a reverend. Erica: I can't believe this. Monica Geller: But we were hoping that since we told you the truth that you still might consider... Erica: Giving you my baby? You think I'd give you my child after this? Monica Geller: Well, you don't have to decide right now, but if you could just look at our file... Erica: I don't want to look at your file! This is over. Chandler Bing: Erica wait! Erica: I've nothing to say to you. Chandler Bing: You have every reason to be upset. We did lie. But only because we've been waiting and trying to have a baby for so long. Now we don't know how long it's gonna be before we can get another chance again. Erica: Why don't you ask the reverend to pray on it? Chandler Bing: Erica, please. Just consider us. Ask them to see our file. Our last name's Bing. My wife's a chef and I'm in advertising. Erica: Oh yeah. I actually liked you guys. But it doesn't matter, because what you did was wrong. Chandler Bing: But you did like us. And you should. My wife's an incredible woman. She's loving and devoted and caring. And don't tell her I said this but the woman's always right... I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I... It kills me that I can't give her a baby... I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I'll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife... she's already there. She's a mother... without a baby... Please? Chandler Bing: You still want that baby? Monica Geller: God bless you Chandler Bing! Ross Geller: Turns out this sweater is made for a woman. Joey Tribbiani: So, why are you still wearing it? Ross Geller: Because it's soft... Hey, so how was your date? Joey Tribbiani: Ooh... Not so good. Ross Geller: Well, looks like it's just the two of us tonight, huh old buddy? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, and you know what? We could do a lot worse. Joey Tribbiani: JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD! end.
Monica Geller: Mmh... this cake is amazing! Rachel Green: My God, get a room! Monica Geller: I would get a room with this cake. I think I could show this cake a good time! Phoebe Buffay: If you had to, what would you give up, food or sex? Monica Geller: Sex! Chandler Bing: Seriously, answer faster! Monica Geller: Oh, I'm sorry honey, you know, but when she said "sex" I wasn't thinking about "sex with you"! Chandler Bing: It's like a giant hug. Phoebe Buffay: Ross, how about you. What would you give up, sex or food? Ross Geller: Food. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, how about... uhm... sex or dinosaurs? Ross Geller: Oh my God. It's like Sophie's Choice. Rachel Green: Oh God. What about you, Joe? What would you give up, sex or food? Joey Tribbiani: Uhm... oh... I don't know, it's too hard. Rachel Green: No, you gotta pick one! Joey Tribbiani: Oh... food. No, sex. Food! Sex! Food! Se-I don't know! Good God, I don't know, I want girls on bread! Rachel Green: You gotta see these latest pictures of Emma. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, how cute! Rachel Green: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, she looks just like a little doll! Rachel Green: Oh, no, no. That is a doll. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, thank God, 'cause that thing's really creepy! Look, there's Chandler. Rachel Green: Oh. Who is the blonde, she's pretty. Phoebe Buffay: OH! He's having an affair. Rachel Green: He's not having an affair! Phoebe Buffay: You know, I'm always right about these things. Rachel Green: No, you're not! Last week you thought Ross was trying to kill you! Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm sorry but it's hard to believe that anyone would tell a story that dull just to tell it! See, there's something going on with them. Look, he's getting into the car with her! Rachel Green: Oh, that doesn't mean anything. Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah? Well, let's see. Ok, duck down. Chandler Bing: Hello. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hi Chandler. It's Phoebe. Uhm... I know that Monica is working today so... ...I was wondering if you want to come to the movies with me and Rachel. Chandler Bing: Oh, uhm... I have to work too. Yeah, I'm stuck at the office all day. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well, it's a shame that you-that you miss the movie 'cause we were gonna see, you know, either "Liar, Liar" or "Betrayal", or... "An Affair To Remember". Chandler Bing: Those are all really old! Phoebe Buffay: Ok, then maybe it'll be, uhm... Rachel Green: "Dude, Where's My Car?" Phoebe Buffay: What? Rachel Green: They're in a caaar... Phoebe Buffay: Okay, we-we'll talk to you later. Okay, bye. Rachel Green: Geez! Phoebe Buffay: Ok. Quick. We gotta find a cab and follow them. Rachel Green: Oh, yeah, ok. Let me just grab my night vision goggles and my stun gun. Phoebe Buffay: I got them! Chandler Bing: Hi! Monica Geller: Hey! You smell like perfume and cigarettes. Chandler Bing: I was in the car with Nancy all day. Monica Geller: Nancy doesn't smoke! Chandler Bing: Well, at least the perfume is not mine, be thankful for that! Monica Geller: So? What do you think of the house? Chandler Bing: It's perfect. It's everything we've been looking for. Monica Geller: Isn't it? Then what about the amazing wainscotting and the crown molding and the dormer windows in the attic? Chandler Bing: And the wiggle wharms and the zip zorps? What were the things you said? Monica Geller: Don't you love the huge yard? Chandler Bing: And the fireplace in the bedroom. Monica Geller: And Nancy said that it's really under price, because the guy lost his job and has to move in with his parents! Chandler Bing: This is bringing out a lovely color in you! Monica Geller: So? Do you think we should get it? Chandler Bing: I don't know. What do you think? Monica Geller: I think we should. Chandler Bing: I do too. Monica Geller: This is huge! Chandler Bing: I know. Monica Geller: How bad you wanna smoke, right now. Chandler Bing: I don't know what you mean, giant talking cigarette! Oh, by the way, Phoebe called just as I was getting into Nancy's car, so if she asks you, I was at work all day. Monica Geller: Gotcha. When do we tell them about this? Chandler Bing: We don't. Not until it's a hundred percent. I mean, why upset everybody over nothing. Monica Geller: Okay. Right. Oh my God that is gonna be so hard. Chandler Bing: I know. Gooooood luck with it. Ross Geller: I just can't see Chandler cheating! Rachel Green: I'm telling you guys, we followed them out to a house in Westchester, the went in for like forty-five minutes and then they came out looking pretty happy! Joey Tribbiani: Chandler? Forty-five minutes? Well, something is not right. I just can't believe he would do this to Monica! Ross Geller: I know, and with the baby coming? Phoebe Buffay: So, should we tell her? Ross Geller: I don't know. Phoebe, if one of us saw Mike with another woman would you want us to tell you? Phoebe Buffay: Why? Who'd you seen him with? Ross Geller: No one, I'm just saying if... Phoebe Buffay: TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW! Ross Geller: I know nothing! Mike's a great guy, it was hypothetical! Phoebe Buffay: All right. . He is a good guy. You're right, he wouldn't cheat. Ross Geller: Believe me, if I did see with someone, there's no way I... Phoebe Buffay: WHO DID YOU SEE HIM WITH? Rachel Green: Oh, look at her, so happy! Monica Geller: If only there were a smaller one to clean this one! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, is uhm... is Chandler here? Monica Geller: No, he's picking up dinner, why, what's up? Phoebe Buffay: Well, look, whatever happens, we're here for you and we love you. Monica Geller: All right... Ross Geller: We think Chandler might be having an affair. Monica Geller: What? Rachel Green: Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street and then we followed them to a house in Westchester. Phoebe Buffay: They went in together. So sorry. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Oh my God that's awful! What did you think of the house? Phoebe Buffay: What? Joey Tribbiani: Monica, you understand what we are saying, right? Monica Geller: Yeah, sure... uhm, I'm devastated, obviously... Did you think the neighborhood was homey? Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: You son of a bitch! Chandler Bing: Is it me, or have the greetings gone downhill around here? Monica Geller: Phoebe and Rachel saw you with Nancy today and... em... they think you're having an affair. Rachel Green: Who's Nancy? Ross Geller: What's going on? Monica Geller: Ok, alright, you guys, you'd better sit down, this is pretty big. Chandler Bing: Yeah I'm not having an affair. Nancy is our realtor. Joey Tribbiani: I knew he couldn't be with a woman for 45 minutes!! Phoebe Buffay: Why do you have a realtor? Monica Geller: Uhm, she has been showing us houses outside of the city. Joey Tribbiani: What? Rachel Green: Are you serious? Monica Geller: When we found out that we're gonna get this baby, Chandler and I started talking and we decided that we didn't want to raise a kid in the city. Phoebe Buffay: So you're gonna move? Ross Geller: Oh my God. Joey Tribbiani: Shouldn't we all vote on stuff like this?! Rachel Green: What is wrong with raising a kid in the city? I'm doing it, Ross is doing it, Sarah Jessica Parker is doing it! Monica Geller: And that's great for you guys, but we want a lawn and a swingset... Chandler Bing: ...and a street where our kids can ride their bikes and maybe an ice-cream truck can go by. Ross Geller: So you wanna buy a house in the 50's? Phoebe Buffay: Have you thought about what you would be giving up? You can't move out of the city, what if you want Chinese food at 5am? Or a fake Rolex that breaks as soon as it rains or an Asian hooker sent right to your door? Ross Geller: You know what, if you wanna look for a house, that's okay. Joey Tribbiani: No, no, it's not, don't listen to him! I'm gonna thump you! Ross Geller: It's ok, because they have to get it out of their system, okay , but you're going to realize, this is the only place, you wanna be. Chandler Bing: Actually, we already found a house we love. Ross Geller: What? Monica Geller: And about an hour ago, we made an offer. Chandler Bing: Bet you wish I was having an affair now, huh? TIME LAPSE. Ross Geller: You put an offer on a house? Monica Geller: It's so sweet. It really is. It has this big yard that leads down to this stream and then there's these old maple trees... Phoebe Buffay: Wha..? Again with the nature, what are you? Beavers? Chandler Bing: I know this is really hard and we're really sorry. Joey Tribbiani: Is this because I come over here without knocking and eat your food? Because I can stop doing that, I really, really think I can! Chandler Bing: You know that's not the reason Joe. Monica Geller: We think if you saw it, you'd understand. I mean you guys were there. It is beautiful, isn't it? Rachel Green: Yeah it is. Joey Tribbiani: What the hell are you doin'? Rachel Green: Well, it is, all right? When we were out there today, all I kept thinking was: I can't believe Chandler is screwing this woman, but MAN this would be a nice place to live! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but so is this. Ross Geller: Yeah, I mean, if you moved there, you have to leave here. I mean, how can you leave this place? Rachel Green: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! All of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I don't want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying that I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy! Ross Geller: You can see where he'd have trouble. Rachel Green: Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica. Monica Geller: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica... Ross Geller: That money is mine, Green! Rachel Green: You're fly is open, Geller! Phoebe Buffay: You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence? Chandler Bing: Hey, that's...'joincidence' with a 'C'! Phoebe Buffay: Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles. Rachel Green: Ow, that had to hurt! Phoebe Buffay: Hey, it's your Thanksgiving too, y'know, instead of watching football, you could help. The Guys: We will. Monica Geller: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmallows in concentric circles. Rachel Green: No Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this. Monica Geller: Every year. Joey Tribbiani: It's stuck!!! Phoebe Buffay: Easy. Step. How did it get on? Joey Tribbiani: I put it on to scare Chandler! Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Monica's gonna totally freak out! Joey Tribbiani: It smells really bad in here. Phoebe Buffay: Well, of course it smells really bad. You have your head inside a turkey's ass! Monica Geller: Hey, did you get the turkey bast-Oh my God! Oh my God! Who is that? Joey Tribbiani: It's Joey. Monica Geller: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster? Rachel Green: Oooohh that's interesting. Chandler Bing: If you win, we give up the birds. Joey Tribbiani: Dah!! Chandler Bing: But if we win, we get your apartment. Joey Tribbiani: Oooooh! Monica Geller: Deal! TIME LAPSE. Ross Geller: What was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie? Joey Tribbiani: Big fat goalie. Ross Geller: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie... Chandler Bing: Dangerous Liaisons. Ross Geller: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is... Joey Tribbiani: Weekend at Bernie's. Ross Geller: Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there? Joey Tribbiani: Everyday use. Chandler Bing: Fancy. Joey Tribbiani: Guest. Chandler Bing: Fancy guest. Ross Geller: Two seconds... Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, 11! Ross Geller: 11, unbelievable, 11 is correct. Ross Geller: Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast? Rachel Green: 14? Ross Geller: No, 19. Chandler Bing: Thanks man. Ross Geller: Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was? Monica Geller: Maurice. Ross Geller: Correct, his profession was? Rachel Green: Space cowboy! Ross Geller: Correct! What is Chandler Bing's job? Rachel Green: Ow...Oh Gosh! Ross Geller: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game. Monica Geller: It's umm, it has something to do with transponding. Rachel Green: Oh-oh-oh, he's a transponce-transpondster! Monica Geller: That's not even a word! Monica Geller: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! TIME LAPSE. Rachel Green: Y'know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, don't get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes! Rachel Green: That is not true. She did! She forced me! Monica Geller: Hey, we would still be living here if hadn't gotten the question wrong! Rachel Green: Well it stupid, unfair question! Ross Geller: Don't blame the questions! Chandler Bing: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us! Ross Geller: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here! Chandler Bing: Wow! Listen, we had a good run. You know, what was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! Monica Geller: Hey Ross. What's up bro? Ross Geller: What the hell are doing?!! Rachel Green: Hey, what's-what's going on?! Chandler Bing: Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica. Joey Tribbiani: Dude! He's right there! Ross Geller: I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this! Chandler Bing: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her. Monica Geller: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but iit-t's true, I love him too. Ross Geller: My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. Monica Geller: Well, this is the last box of your clothes. I'm just gonna label it, "What were you thinking?" Rachel Green: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, you guys, I don't mean to make things worse, but umm, I don't want to live with Rachel anymore. Phoebe Buffay: You're just so mean to each other! And I don't want to end up like that with Rachel. I still like you! Rachel Green: Well, Phoebe that's fine because I'm not moving. Monica Geller: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Phoebe you gotta take her! Y'know, I-I-I said some really bad stuff about her, but y'know Rachel has some good qualities that make her a good roommate. She gets tons of catalogs and umm, she'll fold down the pages of the things she thinks that I'd like. Phoebe Buffay: What else? Monica Geller: When I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror. Rachel Green: Yeah, I do. I-I do, do that. Phoebe Buffay: That's nice. I like having things to read in the bathroom. Monica Geller: When I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a blanket. Rachel Green: Well y'know, I don't want you to be cold. Monica Geller: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave. And I have to live with a boy!! TIME LAPSE. Chandler Bing: Hey. Monica Geller: She really left. Chandler Bing: I know. Monica Geller: Thank you. Chandler Bing: No problem roomie. Monica Geller: Can I ask you a question? Chandler Bing: Sure! Monica Geller: What the hell is that dog doing here?! Chandler Bing: Little toast here. I know this isn't exactly the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked. Everyone: That's so sweet. Ross Geller: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas. Rachel Green: And a crappy New Year. Chandler Bing: Here, here! Rachel Green: You can't move. You just... you just can't. Joey Tribbiani: Rachel's right. This is where you guys belong. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, you don't wanna live in Westchester. That's like the worst of the Chesters. Ross Geller: You know, sometimes when I'm alone in my apartment, I look over here and you guys... are just having dinner or... watching TV or something, but... it makes me feel better. And now when I look over, who am I gonna see? The Gottliebs, the Yangs? They don't make me feel so good. Rachel Green: Yeah. So don't move, okay? Just stay here and... maybe close your blinds at night. Chandler Bing: Hello? It's Nancy, they responded to our offer. Monica Geller: And? Chandler Bing: Okay, thanks... They passed. They said they wouldn't go a penny under the asking price. Monica Geller: We can't afford that. Chandler Bing: I know. Monica Geller: Well, there you go. Joey Tribbiani: I'm really sorry you guys. Ross Geller: Yeah. I'm sorry too. I'm even more sorry that that phone call didn't come before I told you about looking through the window. Rachel Green: Yeah, we're gonna let you be alone. Phoebe Buffay: You're gonna be okay? Monica Geller: Yeah, we'll be okay. Ross Geller: Love you guys. Joey Tribbiani: You know, I'm really sorry I wasn't more supportive before. Chandler Bing: That's okay, we understand. Joey Tribbiani: And about this Nancy thing... If you're not sleeping with her, should I? Monica Geller: I know there'll be other houses, but it's just so... I love that one so much. Chandler Bing: Yeah... Well, it's a good thing we got it then. Monica Geller: What? Chandler Bing: We got the house. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Chandler Bing: I just didn't want to tell you in front of them. Monica Geller: Oh my God! My God! We've got the house !? Chandler Bing: We're getting the house. We're getting the house. Monica Geller: And a baby... Chandler Bing: We're growing up. Monica Geller: We sure are. Chandler Bing: So who's gonna tell them? Monica Geller: Not it! Chandler Bing: Not it! Damn it! Monica Geller: Rachel, this is yours. Rachel Green: Aah! Why? What are these for? Chandler Bing: You'll see. Monica Geller: All right, everybody open them! Rachel Green: Ooh! Oh wow this is so beautiful. Phoebe Buffay: Oh! These are the ones I was looking at in the store. Monica Geller: I know. Ross Geller: I love this. Joey Tribbiani: A meatball Sub? Thanks! Ross Geller: Seriously you guys, what's going on? What are these for? Chandler Bing: Well, I didn't know how to tell you before, but... We got the house. Monica Geller: Enjoy! Joey Tribbiani: What did they say?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey guys! Monica Geller: Hey, let me tell them! Joey Tribbiani: Sure. Monica Geller: Joey is gonna be a celebrity guest on a game show! Phoebe Buffay: Great! Ross Geller: Really? Which one? Monica Geller: Ohh! Fish, seaweed, a sunken ship. Ross Geller: Things you find in the ocean, You're gonna be on "Pyramid"!! Monica Geller: Oh, that was our favourite game show ever! Ross Geller: Except for "Match game"... Monica Geller: Or "Win, Lose or Draw". Chandler Bing: What did I marry into? Joey Tribbiani: Would you guys want to come down tomorrow and watch me tape the show? Monica Geller: Oh, I can't. We're throwing Phoebe a bachelorette party. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, sorry boys, this ride's closing. Ross Geller: Oh, and Chandler and I have this stupid college alumni thing. I can't believe you get to meet Donny Osmond. Joey Tribbiani: Seriously? Ross Geller: Yeah-uh! Monica Geller: Ross and I always wanted to be Donny and Marie. Chandler Bing: You guys just keep getting cooler and cooler! Monica Geller: Yeah, we used to perform for our family and friends. Rachel Green: Oh God, that's right. I blocked that out. Monica Geller: "I'm a little bit country"... Ross Geller: "...and I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll"! Chandler Bing: I'm leaving you. Ross Geller: So weird to see all these people again... Oh my God, look, there's Geoffrey Cleric. Chandler Bing: Who? Ross Geller: He was roommates with John Rosoff. He went out with Andrea Tamburino. She dumped him for Michael Skloff. Chandler Bing: Did I go to this school? Ross Geller: Hey, there's Missy Goldberg. You gotta remember her. Chandler Bing: Sure, nice. Ross Geller: Dude. You're married to my sister. Chandler Bing: You're right, by saying "nice" I'm virtually licking her. Ross Geller: Hey, I hear she's single again, d'you think I should ask her out? Chandler Bing: Are you asking permission to break the pact? Ross Geller: Yes please. Ross Geller: Hey. Hey, check out the flyers for the band. I made 'em on a Macintosh in the computer room! Chandler Bing: Awesome, the name really stands out. Ross Geller: Thanks to a little something called "Helvetica Bold 24 point"! Chandler Bing: Man, we're gonna rock that Asian student union! Missy Goldberg: Hey guys! Chandler Bing: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey, Missy... Chandler Bing: You know, our band is playing on Friday. Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah. You should come check us out. We're called "Way! No Way!". Missy Goldberg: No way! Missy Goldberg: Right. I'll be there. Chandler Bing: Fresh! Ross Geller: Boss! Chandler Bing: Mint! Ross Geller: She's gone. Chandler Bing: I know it. You know, I'm totally gonna ask her out. Ross Geller: Dude, I was gonna ask her out. Chandler Bing: I said it first, bro. Ross Geller: Well, I thought it first, Holmes. Chandler Bing: Look, if you did... Ross Geller: Woha! Wait... What are we doing? What we have is too important to mess it up over some girl. I mean, we can get laid anytime we want. Chandler Bing: Totally. I had sex in High school... Ross Geller: Me too. I'm good at it. Chandler Bing: All right, I'd say we make a pact. Neither of us will go out with Missy Goldberg. Ross Geller: You got it. Chandler Bing: All right, so that's Missy Goldberg, Phoebe Cates and Molly Ringwald, who neither of us can go out with. Ross Geller: Those are the pacts! Chandler Bing: Oh, and Sheena Easton. But we probably couldn't get her anyway. Ross Geller: Oh, oh... maybe not you! Chandler Bing: Well, I officially give you permission to break the pact. Ross Geller: Thank you. All right, here I go. Hey, remember how scary it used to be going up to girls in college? Chandler Bing: Your hands are shaking. Ross Geller: I know, and I can't stop sweating. Voice: Five! Four! Three! Applause! Donny Osmond: Yeah! Welcome, it is Soap Opera week here on Pyramid, let's meet our contestants. First, Gene Lester is a database specialist, he's gonna be playing with "Days of Our Life's" star Joey Tribbiani! Joey Tribbiani: I know it could be intimidating for regular people to be around celebrities but... relax, I'm just like you! Only better looking and richer. Donny Osmond: ...should be playing with the star of "General Hospital" Leslie Charleson. Welcome everybody. Good luck to all of you. Let's play Pyramid. All right? Now... we flipped a coin before the show, Gene, you won the toss, so you're gonna start. Which category would you like? Gene: I'll take "You crossed the line". Donny Osmond: You crossed the line. Joey, describe for Gene these things that have lines. Give me 20 seconds on the clock, please. Ready, go! Joey Tribbiani: Uhm... ok. It's a store, like a supermarket. Oh! I see-I see what I did. Yeah, ok, ok, uhm... I'm writing in my... Gene: Diary. Joey Tribbiani: Noo, more like a notebook... Damn it! Oh, if I'm building an house, the plan isn't called the 'shmoo-print'... Can't say that either? Woha... hey... In high school, I once had sex with a girl right in the middle of the... Gene: Cafeteria. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! But that is not what they're looking for. OOOH! Phoebe Buffay: Thank you so much for this. Rachel Green: Oh, d'you like it? Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, it's all so elegant! When's the dirty stuff starting? Rachel Green: What? Phoebe Buffay: You know, the strippers, and the guys dancing, and you know, pee-pee's flying about. Rachel Green: Pheebs, I... there isn't gonna be any flying about! We actually thought we were a little too mature for stuff like that. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, ok. I see what you're doing, that's fine. This is all there is, just tea, uh, ok. Hmmmm... raunchy! Rachel Green: Seriously Pheebs, it's not gonna be that kind of a party. Phoebe Buffay: Really? So this is... this is my big send off in the married life? Rachel this is the only bachelorette party I'm ever gonna have! I've got a big wad of ones in my purse! Really? I mean, really? It's just tea? Rachel Green: Nooo! Phoebe, of course there is more! I mean, I'll just go and talk to Monica and get an ETA on the pee-pee's! Donny Osmond: Now Gene I must remind you, you need all six of these to stay in the game, all right? Describe for Joey things you find in your refrigerator. Joey Tribbiani: Ahaha, he might as well just give us the points. Donny Osmond: Give me twenty seconds on the clock. Ready? Go! Gene: You put this in your coffee. Joey Tribbiani: A spoon. Your hands. Your face! Gene: It's white! Joey Tribbiani: Paper, snow, a ghost! Gene: It's heavier then milk! Joey Tribbiani: A rock, a dog, the earth. Gene: Pass! Gene: You put this on a sandwich. Joey Tribbiani: Salami, anchovies, jam! Gene: It's white! Joey Tribbiani: Paper, snow, a ghost! Gene: It's made from eggs! Joey Tribbiani: Chickens? Gene: Pass! Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Gene: You put this on a hamburger! Joey Tribbiani: Ketchup! Gene: Yes! Joey Tribbiani: Relish! Gene: Stop! Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Donny Osmond: Oh, time's up! Joey! You were, uh, almost on a roll there... Joey Tribbiani: Yeah... Donny Osmond: Uh, Gene, you're gonna have a chance to go to the winner circle in the second half. But right now Henrietta you are going to the winner circle to try your luck for ten thousand dollars, right after this, don't go away. Stage Manager: And we're out! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, so we didn't win, but it's fun to play the game, right? Gene: Hey! I got a kid starting college. I've to get surgery on my knee, you just lost me ten grand! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, wow! I'm so sorry, ok? I promise, we'll do better next time! Gene: Well, I will, because I won't be playing with you. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you know, some of those are pretty hard! Like why would there be a ghost in my fridge? . Yeah! Ross Geller: So, Saturday night! Missy Goldberg: I'd love to! Ross Geller: Great! Missy Goldberg: So how come it took you so long to ask me out? Ross Geller: Oh, well, uh, this is gonna sound kinda silly, but, do you remember my roommate Chandler Bing? Missy Goldberg: Sure, he was in your "band"? Ross Geller: It's been sixteen years but the air quotes still hurt. Missy Goldberg: Sorry. Ross Geller: That's ok. Uh, anyway, well he and I both really liked you a lot, uhm, but we didn't want anything to jeopardize our friendship, so we kinda made a pact, that neither of us could ask you out! Missy Goldberg: Really? Ross Geller: Yeah, why? Missy Goldberg: Well, Chandler and I used to make out! A lot! Ross Geller: You did? Missy Goldberg: Yeah. We'd go to the science lab after hours! Ross Geller: AND ON MY TURF? Monica Geller: Hey, where is this guy, it's been over an hour! Rachel Green: Well, he's coming from Jersey, he said he would get here as fast as he could! Monica Geller: Who is it? Man: It's the police! Rachel Green: Uh! The police! Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Man: That's right, it's officer Goodbody. Monica Geller: What's the matter, officer? Has someone been bad? Roy: Whoo, that's a lot of stairs! Roy: Ooh, boy. You should warn people there's no elevator! I should not have had that Mexican food for lunch. Monica Geller: Are you gonna be ok, officer, uhm,... Roy: Goodbody! Monica Geller: ...If-you-say-so. Roy: So where's the young lady who I'm supposed to take downtown! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, God! Roy: All right, somebody show me where to plug in my box, and we'll get this party started! Whaaaa... Here? All right. Phoebe Buffay: Rachel? Rachel Green: Yeah? Phoebe Buffay: Are you kidding? Rachel Green: All right, look, we did not know that you wanted a stripper so we went to the phonebook and we got the first name we could find! Phoebe Buffay: How old is your phonebook? Monica Geller: Oh my God, this man is gonna get naked in my apartment! Phoebe Buffay: Oh God no, I don't wanna see him take his clothes off! Roy: Are you talking about me? Monica Geller: Oh, no! I mean, obviously we want to see you take your clothes off! You big piece of eye candy! Roy: Ok, ok, ladies! Can I have your attention, please? Did someone call for the long arm of the law? I should warn you, I have a concealed weapon! I hope you're familiar with the States penal code, ok, ok, enough teasing. Now for some pleasing! Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa . She cringed! Phoebe Buffay: This is how I look when I'm turned on! Roy: You were talking about me before! Look, I don't need this! I'm outta here! Where's my hat? Look, I've been in this business for a long time! Phoebe Buffay: Shocking! Roy: Now if you just pay me my three hundred dollars, I'll be on my way! Phoebe Buffay: Three hundred dollars, are you kidding? Rachel Green: No, that's ok, let's me just get my check book! Phoebe Buffay: No, you're not gonna pay him, he didn't do anything! Roy: Didn't do anything? I took a bus all the way from Hoboken. I climbed ... I dunno... like a billion stairs... It's not like I can take them two at a time! Phoebe Buffay: I don't care. We're not paying you 300 dollars for this. Roy: Well, look - it's not my fault if you're too uptight to appreciate the male form in all it's glory. Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, okay. I'm uptight. Yeah, that's why I don't want to watch a middle aged guy dance around in what I can only assume is a child halloween costume! Roy: I may have borrowed this from my nephew, but let me assure you, what's underneath ... is all man. Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, did you say all man or old man? Roy: Oh, you're mean! Monica Geller: Uh, look, officer... uhm Sir... Roy: Damnit. OH! Big surprise! The hunk of beef has feelings! Donny Osmond: Ok Henrietta, you've picked Jack and Jill went up the hill. Joey Tribbiani: My friend Rachel has a kid. I totally know nursery rhymes! Donny Osmond: Joey describe these things associated with the United States congress. Give me 20 seconds on the clock please. Ready? Go! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, .. uh... uh... pass. Pass. Pass. Okay, the little thing that hangs down at the back of your throat. Henrietta: Uvula! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, then pass. Donny Osmond: O-kay... Henrietta, you didn't get all the points you needed, so that means Gene, you are going to the winners circle to try for ten thousand dollars! And you're gonna be going there with Joey Tribbiani. Ross Geller: You made out with Missy Goldberg. How could you do that, after you promised me? Chandler Bing: Excuse me. . That didn't make us sound gay at all! Ross Geller: You broke the pact! Chandler Bing: Ross, that was 16 years ago! Ross Geller: That doesn't matter! We're talking about the foundation of our friendship. Chandler Bing: I believe the foundation of our friendship was unfortunate hair. All right, look, if we're really gonna do this... it's not like you never broke one of the pacts. Ross Geller: I didn't. Chandler Bing: Oh really? Ross Geller: No. Chandler Bing: Oh really!? Ross Geller: NO! Chandler Bing: ADRIENNE TURNER!! Adrienne: Yes? Ross Geller: I never did anything with Adrienne Turner. Chandler Bing: Oh please, and you knew how much I liked her. Ross Geller: I don't know what... you're talking about. Chandler Bing: Really? Chandler Bing: Remember that big party? Freshman year? A week before Christmas vacation? I do. You had some visitors. Monica Geller: I can't believe we are at a real college party! I have to pee so bad! Rachel Green: This is so awesome! College guys are so cute! Monica Geller: Hey, you've got a boyfriend! Rachel Green: I know. But if some guy who looks like Corey Haim wants to kiss me tonight, I'm sooo gonna let them! Monica Geller: Look, there's Chandler. You knew, that stupid friend of Ross'. Said I'm fat. You know I've already lost 4 pounds! Rachel Green: It... You can so totally tell. Monica Geller: I KNOW! Rachel Green: Well lets see. Maybe he knows where Ross is. Hey, how's it going . Chandler Bing: Aren't you...? Rachel Green: Yeah, Rachel. And this is Ross' sister, Monica. We met at Thanksgiving. . Chandler Bing: Right. So how're you doing? Rachel Green: Bitchin' Chandler Bing: Hi Monica. Monica Geller: Hi Chandler. It's really nice to see you NOT. Chandler Bing: O-kay. I'll see if I can find Ross. Monica Geller: Oh my God Rach. Bean bag chairs. Rachel Green: Oh. Monica Geller: Do NOT let me sit in one of those. We'll be here for days. Ross Geller: Listen Adrienne, you can't tell Chandler about this. Adrienne: Oh believe me, Ross, I won't be telling anybody about this. Ross Geller: Cool! Ross Geller: I didn't know you knew about that. Chandler Bing: Well, I did and it hurt. That's when I wrote the song: "Betrayal In The Common Room". Ross Geller: Man... I... I'm sorry. Chandler Bing: Look it was a lo-o-ong time ago. Ross Geller: So, eh. I made out with Adrienne and you made out with Missy. Well I guess we're even. Chandler Bing: Hmm mmmhm.. Ross Geller: We are even, right? Chandler Bing: Just one more thing. I was so pissed at you that night that I wanted to get back at you. So I thought, who does Ross like the more than anybody? Ross Geller: What did you do to my mom? Chandler Bing: Not her! Rachel Green: I am sooo drunk. Monica Geller: That's weird. I've had the same number of beers as you and I don't feel anything at all. Chandler Bing: Soo... you girls having fun? Monica Geller: For your information, ass munch, I've lost four pounds. Maybe even five with all the dancing. Pizza Guy: SOMEBODY ORDER A PIZZA? Monica Geller: Oh THATS ME! Rachel Green: I am soo not going to do good on my SATs tomorrow. Chandler Bing: Well maybe if you go to school here next year we can totally hang out. Rachel Green: Oh yeah. There is a plan! Why don't I just start taking my smart pills now? Chandler Bing: Well, maybe you can get in on a beauty scholarship. Rachel Green: Oh, what a line. Chandler Bing: So where are you applying to? Rachel Green: Oh well, You know, I think it's kinda really important that I go somewhere where there's sun, so I'm sort of... Hey! Chandler Bing: I'm in college and I'm in a band. Rachel Green: Yeah okay. Roy: What's the matter? You never saw a 50 year old stripper cry before? Phoebe Buffay: You know, it's fine. We'll pay you. Roy: No, no, you're right. Who am I kidding? I should have hung up that breakaway jockstrap years ago. What am I gonna do? I mean, this has been my life for thirty two years. Taking my clothes off in front of people is all I know. Rachel Green: No, wait. No there's gotta be something else that you can do. I mean, what skills do you have? Roy: I don't know... I can make my pecs dance... I can pick up a dollar bill with my butt cheeks... I can go to that special place inside me where I feel no shame. Rachel Green: So maybe something in an office. Phoebe Buffay: Or you could teach stripping. You know, share your gift, pass the torch. Roy: You know, actually that's not a bad idea. I can do it out of my apartment. I don't think my mom would mind. Phoebe Buffay: There you go. Okay, do you think you're gonna be okay? Roy: Yeah, yeah, yeah... This is so weird. I mean, you never know when it's gonna be your last dance. And I didn't even get a chance to finish it. Phoebe Buffay: Finish it! Roy: What? Phoebe Buffay: Your last dance. Do it for us. Roy: Really? Rachel Green: Really? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, yeah. He deserves to do the thing he loves one last time. Roy: Okay, all right... Get ready ladies! Phoebe Buffay: Oh this is so ho-o-ot! Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, no, no, don't stop! Roy: Have to... Donny Osmond: Well, welcome to the Winner Circle. Joey and Gene, you guys ready? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah... Gene: Sure. Donny Osmond: Okay. Give me sixty seconds on the clock please... Ready, GO! Gene: Oak, maple, elm, birch... Joey Tribbiani: I-I-I don't know. Types of trees? Gene: Uhm... Buenos dias, enchilada, por favor... Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know any Spanish words. Gene: A match, a candle... Joey Tribbiani: Things that go "tssst" when you put them out. Gene: A torch, a bonfire... uhm, your pee... Joey Tribbiani: Things that burn. Gene: "I'd like to go for a walk", uhm "scratch my belly". Joey Tribbiani: Dude, dude! I think you're losing it. Gene: Uhm, "I have fur", "I like to bark". Joey Tribbiani: Oh, oh, oh... What a dog says. Gene: Pepperoni... Joey Tribbiani: Pizza toppings, next! Gene: Cindy Crawford, Christie Brinkley, Heidi Klum, Claudia Schiffer... Joey Tribbiani: Oh, oh, oh... Gene: Christie Turlington, Kate Moss... Joey Tribbiani: Girls Chandler could never get? Gene: Supermodels! Joey Tribbiani: Where? Ross Geller: Hey, where's Rachel? Monica Geller: She and Phoebe took the stripper to the hospital. Ross Geller: Did you know Chandler kissed Rachel? Monica Geller: What? When was this? Ross Geller: Nineteen Eighty Seven. The weekend you guys visited me at school. Monica Geller: Oh my God! That's wild! Chandler Bing: Yeah, but it was like a million years ago, so it doesn't matter. Ross Geller: Well, it matters to me. Chandler Bing: Why? Ross Geller: Because... the night you kissed Rachel was the night I kissed Rachel for the very first time. Chandler Bing: You kissed her that night too? Monica Geller: Two guys in one night? Wow, I thought she became a slut after she got her nose fixed. Chandler Bing: Seriously, where did this happen? Ross Geller: Okay, after you told me she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was all right. She was lying on my bed, all buried in peoples coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forehead, you know. But it was so dark, I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away, but then I felt her start to kiss me back. It was only for a second, but... it was amazing. And now, now I find out that you kissed her first. Chandler Bing: Oh wait... What bed did you say she was on? Ross Geller: Mine. Chandler Bing: I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed. Ross Geller: No, she was definitely on my bed. Chandler Bing: Why would I kiss a girl, and then put her on your bed? Ross Geller: Well, then who was on my bed? Monica Geller: OH! Oh, oh! Ross Geller: NO! No, no! Monica Geller: YES! Ross Geller: You were under the pile of coats? Monica Geller: I was the pile of coats! Ross Geller: OH MY GOD! Monica Geller: You were my Midnight Mystery Kisser? Ross Geller: You were my first kiss with Rachel? Monica Geller: You were my first kiss ever? Chandler Bing: What did I marry into? Monica Geller: Oh, crap!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hey Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Uh, hey. Phoebe Buffay: Listen, I need to ask you something. Ok, you know how my step dad's in prison. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Well, uhm... listen he was supposed to get a weekend furlough, so he'd come to the wedding tomorrow, but he just called and... uhm... well, apparently stabbing Iceman in the exercise yard just couldn't wait till Monday. Joey Tribbiani: So he can't come? Phoebe Buffay: No, and so there's no one to walk me down the aisle and... well, I would just really love it if you would do it. Joey Tribbiani: Seriously? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, you've... you know, sort of been like a dad to me. I mean, you've always, you know, looked out for me and shared your wisdom... Joey Tribbiani: I am pretty wisdomous. Phoebe Buffay: So... what do you say? Joey Tribbiani: Are you kidding? Phoebe, I would be honored. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, thank you. I hope... I hope you know how much you mean to me. Joey Tribbiani: Listen, I hope... that you know... I don't want you to see your father cry, GO TO YOUR ROOM! Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Joey Tribbiani: Oh no, no, no, let your dad get this. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's my wedding planner. She's driving me crazy! Hello... Hey, ok, stop screaming! Ok? So, halibut. All right, so salmon, either way. I don't-I don't... it doesn't matter to me! Monica Geller: Well, it matters to me! Phoebe Buffay: Well, I don't care, so you pick! Monica Geller: Did you just hung up on me? All right, look, I need you at the rehearsal dinner tonight at 1800 hours. Phoebe Buffay: Uh-uh. Ok. What time is that. Monica Geller: You don't know military time? Phoebe Buffay: Why, I must have been in missile training the day they taught that. Monica Geller: Just subtract twelve. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, so... 1800 minus twelve is... one thousand, seven hundred and... Monica Geller: Six o'clock! Phoebe Buffay: Ok. Monica Geller: Ok. Hold on. Geller here! No! I said it has to be there by 4 o'clock. Goodbye. Oh, how hard it is to make an ice sculpture? Phoebe Buffay: Ice sculpture? That sounds really fancy! I told you I just want a simple wedding. Monica Geller: Please... honey, leave the details to me. Now I wanna make this day as special for you as I can. Now, ok, I was thinking that the harpist should wear white. Phoebe Buffay: What harpist? My friend Marjorie is playing the steel drums. Monica Geller: Ooh... she backed out. Phoebe Buffay: She did? Why? Monica Geller: I made her. Steel drums don't really say "elegant wedding". Nor does Marjorie's overwhelming scent. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! She will shower when Tibet is free. Chandler Bing: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Chandler Bing: You look great. I'm so glad we're having this rehearsal dinner, you know, I so rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, what did we say was your one gift to us? Chandler Bing: No stupid jokes. I thought that was for the actual wedding. Phoebe Buffay: Rehearse it! Ross Geller: Hi! Mike Hannigan: Thanks for coming you guys. Ross Geller: Oh, hey, oh... I... I was-I was going for a hand shake. Mike Hannigan: Is that why your hand is pressed against my crotch? Ross Geller: That is why! Mike Hannigan: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: So Rach. Rachel Green: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Where is Emma? Rachel Green: Oh, Monica made me send her to my mother's. Apparently babies and weddings don't mix. Monica Geller: Are you still crying about your damn baby? Pheebs, you gotta keep the line moving, remember, 20 seconds per person. Your see these clowns all the time! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you're Mike's parents, right? Mike's Mother: Yes, we are. Joey Tribbiani: Ah, our little ones are growing up fast, uh? Mike's Father: How's that? Joey Tribbiani: You know, on the one hand you're happy for them, but on the other hand it's hard to let go. Mike's Father: Who in God's name are you? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I'm not that fond of you either, ok buddy? But I'm just trying to be nice for the kids! Chandler Bing: You know what I just realized? We have no idea what we're doing in the wedding tomorrow. Ross Geller: Yeah, I thought we'd be groomsmen, but wouldn't they have asked us by now? When did they ask you to be their bridesmaid? Rachel Green: Uh... November? Ross Geller: I wanna say it's not looking good. Rachel Green: Hey Pheebs... Phoebe Buffay: What's up? Rachel Green: Uhm... you haven't told these guys what they're doing in the wedding yet. Chandler Bing: Heh. Phoebe Buffay: Uhm... well, they're not in the wedding. Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: Well, this is really awkward Oh, and I can leave! Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry you guys but, you know, Mike's got his brother and his friends from school so... you know, you were-you were... if it helps you, you were next in line, you just-you just missed the cut. Ross Geller: Oh, man! Chandler Bing: This is like figure skating team all over again. I mean synchronized swimming. I mean- I mean the balance beam. Help me! Ross Geller: FOOTBALL! Chandler Bing: Thank you. Monica Geller: Pheebs, spit that out, that has pork in it. Phoebe Buffay: Oh! I though the pot stickers were supposed to be vegetarian! Monica Geller: Yeah, I changed them. I-I sent you a fax about it! Phoebe Buffay: I don't have a fax machine. Monica Geller: Ah, well then there are gonna be a few surprises! Ross Geller: I can't believe we're gonna be the only people that aren't in this wedding. Chandler Bing: I know, I hate being left out of things. Ross Geller: And it's a wedding! It'd be weird if I'm not in it... Mike Hannigan: Hey guys, how is it going? Chandler Bing: Fine. We're just sitting here. Alone. Doing nothing. It's our rehearsal for tomorrow. Mike Hannigan: Yeah look, about tomorrow, I... I've got a question for ya. I just found out that one of my groomsmen had had an emergency and can't make it. Chandler Bing: What happened? Ross Geller: Who cares, AND? Mike Hannigan: ...and I was wondering if... you know, maybe one of you guys... Ross Geller: I'll do it! Chandler Bing: M-Me-me-me! Mike Hannigan: You both wanna do it? Uhm... there's only room for one. Chandler Bing: Pick me, I look great in a tux and I will not steal focus. Ross Geller: No, Mike, no, no. You wanna pick me, I mean... watch! Huh? Mike Hannigan: You know, I really don't feel very comfortable making this decision. You know, Phoebe knows you better, I'm gonna let her choose. Ross Geller: Well, if Phoebe's choosing, then say hello to Mike's next groomsman. Chandler Bing: Oh, I will. But I will need a mirror... as he is me! Ross Geller: Please, you're going down! Chandler Bing: You are going downer! Ross Geller: Is that what they say on the Figure Skating Team? Chandler Bing: I wouldn't know, I didn't make it! Joey Tribbiani: So, you know I'm filling in for Phoebe's step dad, tomorrow, right? Mike Hannigan: Yeah, yeah. Hey, thanks for doing that. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey, my pleasure. So what are your intentions with my Phoebe? Mike Hannigan: I intend to marry her. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, a wiseacre. . No, no, no, I understand you plan to support your wife by playing the piano? Isn't that kind of unstable? Mike Hannigan: No more so than acting. Joey Tribbiani: Strike two! Mike Hannigan: You're right. She probably will support me. Hey, unless we move in with you, dad? Joey Tribbiani: Strike three! You only get one more, Mike! Ross Geller: So, what did you decide? Phoebe Buffay: I decided to pee. Chandler Bing: Mike didn't tell you? You have to chose one of us to be in your wedding. One of his groomsmen fell out. Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, no. I can't choose between you two! I love you both so much! Chandler Bing: Just not enough to put us in the original wedding party. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I don't wanna choose! It's . Oh okay, wait. Rach! Listen I have a very special bridesmaid task for you today. Rachel Green: Goody, what is it! Phoebe Buffay: Well, there's a spot open for only one groomsman and you have to choose between Ross and Chandler. So good luck with that. Rachel Green: What, what, what, no, I don't wanna do that. Phoebe Buffay: All right, I guess I'll have to find a new bridesmaid. Ross Geller: I'll do it! Monica Geller: Ok, it's 2100 hours. Time for your toast. Mike Hannigan: Do I have a minute to go to the bathroom? Monica Geller: You had a bathroom break at 2030. Pee on your own time, Mike! . Now, in regard to the toast, okay, you wanna keep them short, nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. Okay. You just get in, do your thing and get out! Mike Hannigan: Is that what you say to Chandler? Monica Geller: It's 2101 and I am not amused. . Ok, the bride and groom have a few words they'd like to say. Phoebe Buffay: Ok. Hello everyone and thank you all for being here tonight. So tomorrow's the big event and some of you might not know, but Mike and I didn't get off to the best start. . My friend Joey and I decided to fix each other up with friends so I, I... oh I... hum... I gave it a lot of thought and I fixed him up with my friend Mary Ellen who couldn't be here tonight because... it's not important... she is in rehab. Anyway, so, ok, Joey said that he was fixing me up with his friend Mike, only he didn't have a friend Mike so he just brought, uhm, my Mike and, and but despite, you know... it got... it got good. Ok, I wanna take a moment to mention my mother, who couldn't be here... Monica Geller: oh God. Phoebe Buffay: And... moment's over! So, ok, uh, I can forget that. I can forget that and uhm... Oh this is funny! Oh, but you need to know that to... that, to... Oh, ok, well, uhm, I . Ok, ok, I, ok, I... MONICA I CAN'T DO IT LIKE THIS! THIS IS MY WEDDING! OKAY, I DON'T WANT THIS OR THIS OR THIS OK? I JUST WANTED A SIMPLE WEDDING! WHERE MY FIANCEE CAN GO TO THE BATHROOM ANYTIME HE WANTS! You know what? You're done. Monica Geller: What? Phoebe Buffay: YOU'RE FIRED! Cheers! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Rachel Green: Happy wedding day! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, happy my wedding day to you! Rachel Green: Ok-dokey, Joey, listen. This is gonna be bridesmaid central, all right? We're gonna have hair and make-up going on in the bathroom and oh, I had to move a couple of things in the fridge to make room for the corsages. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, man! I wouldn't have had breakfast if I knew there was going to be corsages! Monica Geller: Hi. About last night... I know you are under a lot of stress and even though the things you said hurt me a little bit... My point is, uh, well, I'm willing to take my job back. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well that's ok. I think you and I will do much better if you're just... here as a bridesmaid. Monica Geller: Oh, is that so? Ok. If that's really what you want, then here... I give you the headset. Well, I don't really want to give you the headset. Well I guess if you're taking over, you should probably return these messages. Phoebe Buffay: Wow, this is a lot! Monica Geller: Uh-huh, but I'm sure you can handle this. I mean, I have won awards for my organizational skills, but, uh, I'm sure you'll do fine. Phoebe Buffay: You won awards? Monica Geller: Mm-mh. I printed them out on my computer. Ross Geller: Hey! Monica Geller: Hi. Ross Geller: Where's Rach? Monica Geller: She's in her room, why? Ross Geller: I have to talk to her about this groomsman situation, ok? I'm not gonna watch Chandler up there while I'm sitting in the seats like some chump! . Oh! My God! You're breathtaking! Rachel Green: What d'you want? Ross Geller: You haven't by any chance chosen a groomsman yet, have you? Rachel Green: Oh, Ross, c'mon, please! Don't make this harder than it already is! Ross Geller: I'm not! I'm making it easier! Pick me! Rachel Green: Well, Chandler said that it's really important to him too! Ross Geller: Listen, listen. Whoever you pick is gonna walk down the aisle with you! Now, I promise I won't say a word, but if you pick Chandler he's gonna be whispering stupid jokes in your ear the whole time! Rachel Green: Oh, you are the lesser of two evils! Ross Geller: YES, YES! Phoebe Buffay: Sven I don't understand what you're saying! What is wrong with the flowers? Lorkins? What the hell are lorkins? Monica Geller: I know. . Mike Hannigan: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Listen, Mike, if you were Swedish and you were saying the word "lorkins" what flowers would that be? Mike Hannigan: Orchids? Phoebe Buffay: Right there! That's why I'm marrying you! Joey Tribbiani: Hello Michael. Mike Hannigan: Joseph. Joey Tribbiani: May I have a word with you, please? Mike Hannigan: This is... great... Joey Tribbiani: Have a seat. Last night, I tried to welcome you into my family... and instead, you disrespect me... I cannot allow this. Mike Hannigan: Are you rehearsing for some really bad mafia movie? Joey Tribbiani: More back talk. And yes, I may be borrowing a few lines from my recent unsuccessful audition for "Family Honor 2: Thissa Time Itsa Personal." Mike Hannigan: Joey, I kinda have a lot to do today, what do you want? Joey Tribbiani: I want you to take this seriously! Phoebe is very very important to me, ok? And I wanna make sure that you are gonna take care of her. Mike Hannigan: Joe, I love Phoebe. She's the single most important thing in my life. I'd die before I let anything happen to her. Joey Tribbiani: That's what I wanted to hear! Because she's family, ok, and now you're gonna be family, and there is nothing more important in the whole world, than family. Mike Hannigan: That must have been one lousy movie. Joey Tribbiani: That was ME! Rachel Green: Hi. Chandler Bing: Hey, can I talk to you about this groomsman thing? If you pick Ross, he'll walk you down the isle just fine. But if you choose me, you'll be getting some comedy! Rachel Green: Even so, I think I'm gonna pick Ross. Chandler Bing: Let me tell you why you need to pick me. See, when I was a kid, I was always left out of everything, you know, and it really made me feel... insecure. You know, I was always picked last in gym. Even behind that big fat exchange student who didn't even know the rules to baseball. I mean, this guy would strike out and then run to third. Anyway, If I'm the only one left out of this wedding, I just know that all those feelings are gonna come rushing back. Rachel Green: All right fine, I pick you. Chandler Bing: Y-Y-YEEESSS! Make "groom" for Chandler. Rachel Green: Oh my... Phoebe Buffay: No! We're gonna do it my way. Because your way is stupid! Alright I gotta go, I have another call, Reverend. Hello? Joey Tribbiani: I'm glad we had this little talk. Mike Hannigan: Yes. Yeah and thanks for all the wedding night advice. That didn't make me uncomfortable at all! Alright, so I'll see everybody tonight? Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Monica Geller: Bye. Mike Hannigan: Uhm, did you guys know that there is a giant ice sculpture in the hall? Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, what's it doing here? Monica Geller: Ugh, I guess it got sent to the billing address as opposed to the shipping address. Uh! What a pickle. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, everything is such a mess. Why is this happening to me? Joey Tribbiani: How bad do you want to stick your tongue on that? Chandler Bing: How's it going? Ross Geller: Good. I'm just getting some coffee. So I'm alert for the wedding. Chandler Bing: That's what I was doing too. Ross Geller: Well, you have fun tonight. Chandler Bing: You too. Ross Geller: Oh, I will. Chandler Bing: Me too. Ross Geller: Wait a minute, I know why I'm being such an ass, why are you? Chandler Bing: I'm not supposed to tell you. Ross Geller: I'm not supposed to tell you! Chandler Bing: You told us both we could be in the wedding? Rachel Green: Well, in my defense, you were not supposed to tell each other. Ross Geller: Rachel, only one of us can do it, you have to choose. You and me together again. Chandler Bing: Rach, Rach, knock knock. Rachel Green: Who's there? Chandler Bing: I'll tell you at the wedding. Rachel Green: Uh. Mike Hannigan: Hey, I forgot my scarf. Rachel Green: You know what, I can't do this. I don't know which one of you guys to pick. Mike Hannigan: Oh, you haven't picked yet. Oh good, 'cause I had an idea. I thought it would be fun if the third groomsman was my family dog. Chappy. Ross Geller: What? A dog? No! Rachel gets to choose. Rachel Green: Wow, this is a tough one. I think I'm gonna have to go with the dog. Phoebe Buffay: Alright, wait, so what you're saying is that the chef is at the Hamilton Club, but the food is not and the drinks are there, but the bartender is not? Are you, are you FREAKING KIDDING ME!? Monica Geller: How's it going? Phoebe Buffay: Help me. Monica Geller: What? Phoebe Buffay: I want you to be Crazy Bitch again. Monica Geller: Really? Phoebe Buffay: Please? Monica Geller: You really want me to come back? Phoebe Buffay: More than I wanna get married. Monica Geller: Ok people, we are back in business! Oh God, we've missed you soo much! Ok, go and get your hair and make-up done, and I'll take care of everything. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, what are you guys gonna do? Phoebe Buffay: About what? Joey Tribbiani: The blizzard. I just saw on the news, it's like the worst snow storm in 20 years! They already closed all the bridges and tunnels. Monica Geller: Ooh! But the band and the photographer are coming all the way in from New Jersey! Joey Tribbiani: I don't think they are. Ross Geller: Haha! Looks like you're not going to be in the wedding either. So sorry Pheebs. Monica Geller: Well, the club lost it's power. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah according to the news, most of the city did. Rachel Green: Since when do you watch the news? Joey Tribbiani: Uh, for your information, since they hired a very hot weather girl. Ross Geller: I can't believe you guys aren't going to be able to get married today. Phoebe Buffay: I know. Rachel Green: Wow, you know, it's so beautiful out there. You always wanted to get married outside. Why don't you guys just do it on the street? Phoebe Buffay: What? Rachel Green: Well, look, it's hardly snowing anymore. I mean you couldn't ask for a more romantic setting. This could be the simple wedding you've always wanted! Phoebe Buffay: What do you think? Mike Hannigan: I think I wanna get married to you today. Phoebe Buffay: Me too! Monica, do you think we could do it? Monica Geller: AFFIRMATIVE! Monica Geller: OK LET'S GET THESE CHAIRS OUT HERE! Gunther, hit the Christmas lights. Okay, who left the ice sculpture ON THE STEAM GRATE? Mike's Mom: Michael! Mike Hannigan: Hey! You made it. Great! Chappy! Hi! Hi! Mom, I know getting married in the street isn't something you approve of... Mike's Mom: No... It's lovely. The lights and the snow. I could look at them forever. Mike's Dad: I crushed a pill and put it in her drink... Come on, sweetheart. Mike Hannigan: You know, Chappy's too small to handle all this snow. Someone's gonna have to walk him down the aisle. Chandler Bing: So technically, would this person be in the wedding? Mike Hannigan: I guess. Ross Geller: No, but Chandler, hello... Aren't you scared of dogs? Chandler Bing: I'm not scared. I'll just take little Chappy and... HE CAN SENSE MY FEAR. MY THROAT IS EXPOSED. Ross Geller: Well, I guess I'm in the wedding then. Ha haaa... He stinks! Monica Geller: Level 1 alert. I repeat, level 1. This is not a drill. Okay we've got a situation. The minister just called. He's snowed in. He can't make it. Mike Hannigan: Oh, no! Joey Tribbiani: Oh hey, don't worry. I'm still ordained from your wedding. Monica Geller: Really? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you'd think I'd give up being a minister and start paying to ride the subway? Huhuh... Ross Geller: Uhm, ministers don't ride the subway for free. Joey Tribbiani: I had to read the Bible pretty carefully, but... yeah we do. Monica Geller: Okay, if Joey does the ceremony, then we have to find someone else to walk Phoebe down the isle. Chandler Bing: I'll do it. Ross Geller: I'll... Chandler Bing: Na ha ha... Ne he he... Ah ah... Monica Geller: Okay, Mike and Joey, get in position. Chandler, come with me. Monica Geller: Okay, Joey's doing the ceremony and Chandler's giving you away. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay. Hi new dad. Monica Geller: So, you're ready to do this? Phoebe Buffay: Uhuh, uhuh... Oh my God! This is really happening. Rachel Green: Oh Phoebe, I'm so happy for you honey. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, thank you. Monica Geller: I love you. Oh, wait, wait, wait! No hugs. The dresses... Oh what the hell. Phoebe Buffay: I love you guys. Monica Geller: Okay. It's zero hour. All teams execute on my count. Let's get this bad boy on the road. Chandler Bing: Is it okay that I want you to wear that head set in bed tonight? Monica Geller: I have you scheduled for nudity at 2300 hours. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah! Monica Geller: Okay Marjorie, hit it. Rachel Green: Geez Ross, you could have showered. Ross Geller: It's the dog. Monica Geller: Groomsman, groomsman, why are you just standing there, where is your bridesmaid? We've got a broken arrow. Bridesmaid down! Oh, that's me. Chandler Bing: Ready? Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Chandler Bing: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: Oh wait, oh no. Wait. Chandler Bing: Wow! Aren't you gonna be cold? Phoebe Buffay: I don't care... I'll be my something blue. Chandler Bing: You look beautiful. Phoebe Buffay: Thank you. Mike Hannigan: My God! Aren't you freezing? Phoebe Buffay: Na-ah. Joey Tribbiani: Friends, family, dog... Thank you all for being here to witness this blessed event. The cold has now spread to my special place... so I'm gonna do the short version of this. Phoebe and Mike are perfect for each other. And I know I speak for every one here... when I wish them a lifetime of happiness. Who has the rings? Joey Tribbiani: Okay... Phoebe Buffay: When I was growing up, I didn't have a normal mom and dad, or a regular family like everybody else, and I always knew that something was missing. But now I'm standing here today, knowing that I have everything I'm ever gonna need... You are my family. Mike Hannigan: Phoebe you're so beautiful. You're so kind, you're so generous. You're so wonderfully weird. Every day with you is an adventure, and I can't believe how lucky I am, and I can't wait to share my life with you forever. Phoebe Buffay: Oh wait, oh I forgot... and uhm... I love you... and you have nice eyes. Mike Hannigan: I love you too. Ross Geller: Uh Joey... Joey Tribbiani: Yeah? Ross Geller: Chappy's heart rate has slowed way down. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, okay. Phoebe, do you take this man to be your husband? Phoebe Buffay: I do. Joey Tribbiani: Mike, do you take this woman to be your wife? Mike Hannigan: I do. Joey Tribbiani: I now pronounce you... husband and wife. Phoebe Buffay: I got married! Could someone get me a coat, I'm freaking freezing. Chandler Bing: That really was an incredible wedding. Joey Tribbiani: It was, yeah. I kind of don't want it to end. Hey, you wanna come in for a drink and a bite of corsage? Chandler Bing: I'd love to, but it's 2300 hours and I'm about to have the most organized sex anyone's ever had. Joey Tribbiani: Nice. Oh hey, what about Ross? Chandler Bing: I don't know. Maybe he hooked up with that hot girl he was talking to. Ross Geller: Come on Chappy, do your business. MAKE! MA-AKE! I did not sign on for this.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi. Everyone: Hey! Hi! Rachel Green: How was the honeymoon? Phoebe; Oh, incredible! Oh! Champagne, candle-lit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach, it was sooo ro-man-tic! Rachel Green: Oh! Chandler Bing: So, where's Mike? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, he's at the doctor, he didn't poop the whole time we were there! Joey Tribbiani: Well anyway, I'm glad you're back, I really need your help. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, why? What's up? Joey Tribbiani: I have an audition for this play and for some of it I have to speak French. Which, according to my resume, I'm fluent in. Ross Geller: Joey, you shouldn't lie on your resume. Monica Geller: Yeah, you really shouldn't. By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo? Ross Geller: It was ok... Rachel Green: I did not know you spoke French. Phoebe Buffay: Oui, bien sur je parle Francais! Qu'est-ce que tu penses alors? Rachel Green: Oh... you're so sexy! Joey Tribbiani: Well, so, will you help me? I really wanna be in this play. Phoebe Buffay: Sure! Tout le plaisir est pour moi, mon ami. Rachel Green: Seriously stop it, or I'm gonna jump on ya. Chandler Bing: Hey. Monica Geller: Hey. Chandler Bing: Why are you wearing my apron? Monica Geller: I'm making cookies for Erica. And oh, by the way, we have to leave for the airport soon, her plane comes in about an hour. Chandler Bing: Oh, hey, when she gets here, is it ok if I introduce you two as "my wife" and "the woman who's carrying my child"? No? Divorce? Ross Geller: Hey. Monica Geller: Hey. Ross Geller: You guys know where Rachel is? Monica Geller: No, we haven't seen her since this morning. Ross Geller: So unbelievable. She was supposed to meet me half an hour ago with Emma. Monica Geller: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey! Monica Geller: These are for Erica! Ross Geller: What? She's gonna eat all those cookies? Monica Geller: Well, I want he baby to come out all cute and fat! Ross Geller: So, why is Erica coming to visit? Monica Geller: Well, because we want to get to know her better and she's never been to New York so she wants to see all the tourists' spots... you know, Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building... Chandler Bing: Oh, those places! There's always so many people, their being corralled like cattle, and... you know, there's always some idiot who goes "Mooooo"! Monica Geller: Well, if it annoys you so much, then why do you do it? Ross Geller: Oh, hi! Hi! Thanks for showing you up thirty minutes late! Rachel Green: Ross... Ross Geller: No, no, no, I'm sure you have a great excuse, wh-was it a hair appointment, a mani-pedi or was there a sale at Barney's? Rachel Green: My father had an heart attack... ...while I was at Barney's. Ross Geller: Oh my God. Monica Geller: Honey. Chandler Bing: I'm so sorry... Ross Geller: Is-is he ok? Rachel Green: Yeah, they said he's gonna be fine, but he's still heavily sedated. Ross Geller: Ok, ok. I'm gonna come out to Long Island with you, I mean, you can't be alone right now. Rachel Green: No, come on, I'm totally ok. I don't need you to come! I can totally handle this on my own. Ross Geller: Still-still, let me come... for me. Rachel Green: Ok. If you really need to. Ross Geller: I bet someone could use one of Monica's freshly baked cookies. Rachel Green: Oh, I really could. Ross Geller: Oh! Rachel Green: Ohh... Phoebe Buffay: All right, it seems pretty simple. Your first line is "My name is Claude", so, just repeat after me. "Je m'appelle Claude". Joey Tribbiani: Je de coup Clow. Phoebe Buffay: Well, just... let's try it again. Joey Tribbiani: Ok. Phoebe Buffay: Je m'appelle Claude. Joey Tribbiani: Je depli mblue. Phoebe Buffay: Uh. It's not... quite what I'm saying. Joey Tribbiani: Really? It sounds exactly the same to me. Phoebe Buffay: It does, really? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: All right, let just try it again. Really listen. Joey Tribbiani: Got it. Phoebe Buffay: Je m'appelle Claude. Joey Tribbiani: Je te flouppe Fli. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, mon Dieu! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, de fuff! Monica Geller: Hey you guys. Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Monica Geller: I want you to meet someone really special. Phoebe, this is Erica. And this is the baby! Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Monica Geller: Joey. Erica, baby! Joey Tribbiani: Hi. Monica Geller: Everyone. Erica, baby! Chandler Bing: Monica. Calm, self. Erica: Thank you. It's really nice to meet you guys, I can't believe I'm here! Joey Tribbiani: Welcome to New York City! Or should I say "ghe deu flooff New York City"? Chandler Bing: Why would you say that? Phoebe Buffay: Ok. What are you gonna be doing today? Erica: I wanna see everything! Times Square, Coney Island, Rockefeller Center... Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you know what you should do? You should walk all the way at the top of Statue of Liberty. Erica: Oh yeah, let's do that! Chandler Bing: Great! This baby'd better to be really good. Rachel Green: Oh, uhm, excuse me, I'm here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green. Ross Geller: And I'm Doctor Ross Geller. Rachel Green: Ross, please, this is a hospital, ok? That actually means something here. Rachel Green: Can somebody please go in? Nurse: Absolutely. Ross Geller: Rach, I think I'm gonna wait out here, because my throat is feeling a little scratchy, I don't want to infect him. Rachel Green: Ross, please, don't be so scared of him! Ross Geller: I'm not scared of him, I'm really sick! Nurse: He's under sedation, so he's pretty much out. Ross Geller: I'm feeling better. Rachel Green: Oh! Oh! Oh my God! Ohhh, ohhh, wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh? Nurse: Miss Green, your father's doctor is on the phone if you'd like to speak to him. Rachel Green: Oh, great, Are you gonna be ok? Ross Geller: He's unconscious, I think we'll be just fine! Rachel Green: Ok. Ross Geller: Did the TV wake you? Leonard Green: No, when you put your feet up in my bed, you tugged on my catheter. Ross Geller: Ouchy. Leonard Green: What are you doing here, Geller? Ross Geller: Well, I came with Rachel, who should be back any second! So what's new? Leonard Green: Ooh, I have a little heart attack. Ross Geller: Right, is it painful? Leonard Green: What, the heart attack or sitting here talking to you? Ross Let's see if we can get that Rachel back here. Leonard Green: So what's new with you, uh, knocked up any more of my daughters lately? Ross Geller: Nope, just the one. RACH! Phoebe Buffay: Je m'appelle Claude. Joey Tribbiani: Je do call blue! Phoebe Buffay: Noooo! Ok, maybe if we just break it down. Ok, let's try at one syllable at a time. Ok? So repeat after me. "je". Joey Tribbiani: je. Phoebe Buffay: m'ap. Joey Tribbiani: mah. Phoebe Buffay: pelle. Joey Tribbiani: pel. Phoebe Buffay: Great, ok faster! "je" Joey Tribbiani: je. Phoebe Buffay: m'ap. Joey Tribbiani: mah. Phoebe Buffay: pelle. Joey Tribbiani: pel. Phoebe Buffay: Je m'appelle! Joey Tribbiani: Me pooh pooh! Phoebe Buffay: Ok, it's too hard, I can't teach you! Joey Tribbiani: What are you doing? Phoebe Buffay: I, I have to go before I put your head through a wall. Joey Tribbiani: Don't move! Don't go! I need you! My audition is tomorrow! Shah blue blah! Me lah peeh! Ombrah! . Pooh. Ross Geller: Hey! Rachel Green: Hi! Ross Geller: I was gonna make us some dinner but all I found in your dad's fridge was bacon and heavy cream. I think we solved the mystery of the heart attack. Rachel Green: Uh. Did you call your parents? Ross Geller: Oh, yeah. Emma's doing great. Rachel Green: Oh good. Ross Geller: Wow. Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: Just can't believe I'm in Rachel Green's room. Rachel Green: What do you mean? You've been in my room before! Ross Geller: Yeah, sure, right! Like I've ever been in Rachel Green's room. Rachel Green: Ok I gotta tell ya, it's really weird when you use my whole name. Ross Geller: Sorry. . You ok? Rachel Green: Yeah. Ross Geller: You had a rough day, uh? Rachel Green: Yeah, just so weird seeing him like that, you know? I mean he is a doctor, you don't expect doctors to get sick! Ross Geller: But we do! It's gonna be ok, Rach! Rachel Green: Ow. I don't want him to wake up alone! I should go to the hospital! Ross Geller: What? No, no! Hey, hey, hey look... Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: They gave him a lot of medication, ok? He wouldn't even know if you were there. Look, we'll go see him first thing in the morning, ok? Rachel Green: Really, I shouldn't feel guilty? Ross Geller: No, God! Hey, Rach, you've been an amazing daughter, ok? Right now you just need to get some rest. Rachel Green: Ok, maybe you're right. Ross Geller: Good night. Rachel Green: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Would you stay here with me for a little while? Ross Geller: Sure! Rachel Green: Ok. Thank you for coming with me today. Ross Geller: Oh, of course... Rachel Green: Rachel Green is very happy you're in her room! Ross Geller: Me too. Come here. Rachel Green: I just don't want to be alone tonight. Ross Geller: Ok, well, uh, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag, or... Oh, oh. . No, Rach! I'm sorry, I just don't think this, this, this is a good idea. Rachel Green: Wait, we won't know that until we do it, will we? Ross Geller: No, look, uh. You are upset about your father and you're feeling vulnerable and I just don't feel it would be right, I'd feel like I'd be, you know, taking advantage of you. Rachel Green: Taking advantage? I'm giving you the advantage, enjoy! Ross Geller: Look, I'm sure it would be great, but I-I think one of us has to be thinking clearly, so, I'm gonna go! Rachel Green: Wow. Ok. Ross Geller: I'll see you in the morning . Rachel Green: Mhm-mh! Ross Geller: Haven't had sex in four months, I should get a medal for that! Erica: Thanks so much for taking me to all those places. I had a great time. Monica Geller: Oh, I'm glad. Listen, I want to apologize about Chandler, though. I just did not see this coming. Chandler Bing: New York is awesome! Monica Geller: What is with you? Chandler Bing: Yeah, I've been to these places before, but I've never really seen them, you know. Monica Geller: Yeah, you miss alot, when you're moo-ing. Erica: Thanks so much for showing me around. Monica Geller: Oh! It was our pleasure. We are so much enjoying getting to know you. Erica: Well, if there is anything else you wanna know... Chandler Bing: Oh, uhm, okay, uhm, do you mind if we ask you some questions about the father? Erica: Oh, sure. Yeah, well, he was my high school boyfriend. Captain of the football team, really cute and he got a scholarship and went off to college. Chandler Bing: That's great. Erica: Yeah... it's almost definitely him. Monica Geller: How's that now? Erica: Well, there is a chance it's another guy. I mean, I have only ever been with two guys, but they sorta overlapped. Chandler Bing: So, what does the other guy do? Does he go to college too? Erica: No, he's in prison. Monica Geller: Was he falsely accused of something? Erica: No... he killed his father with a shovel. But other than that, he's a great guy. Chandler Bing: I'll bet his dad doesn't think so. Monica Geller: Are you awake? Chandler Bing: Of course I'm awake. Assume from now on that I'm always awake! Monica Geller: Alright, we don't know that it's him. I mean, it could be the football guy. Chandler Bing: Honey, it's us. Of course it's the shovel-killer. Monica Geller: Alright, lets say that it is him, would we not want the baby? No! Would we treat him any differently? Chandler Bing: I'd keep an eye on him! We have to find out which one the father is. Monica Geller: How? Chandler Bing: I dunno, aren't there tests for these things, right? Monica Geller: Yeah, but maybe we're just over-reacting. Chandler Bing: Pff, easy for you to say, he's a father killer. He probably loves him mommy. He's probably got a tattoo that says "mom" on his shovel-wielding arm! Tape: We will now count from one to five. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq. Joey Tribbiani: Huh, un, blu, bla, flu, flenk! Tape: Good job. Joey Tribbiani: Thank you. Phoebe Buffay: Hey Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday and I thought about it a lot and, and I know, I was too impatient. SO lets try it again. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, no, that's okay, I don't need your help. I worked on it myself and I gotta say, I am pretty good! Phoebe Buffay: Really, can I hear some of it. Joey Tribbiani: Sure, sure. Ok, "Bleu de la bleu, de la blu bla bleu" See? Phoebe Buffay: Well, you're not, You're not... you're not... again, you're not SPEAKING FRENCH! Joey Tribbiani: Oh well I think I am, yeah and I think I'm definitely gonna get the part. Phoebe Buffay: How could you possibly think that? Joey Tribbiani: For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job! Ross Geller: Hey Rach, can you grab me a cup of coffee? Rachel Green: Sure. Ross Geller: You've been quiet all morning. Is everything okay? Rachel Green: Hmm-hmm. Ross Geller: You sure you're alright? Rachel Green: Yep. Ross Geller: O-kay. Well, I'm gonna go grab us some breakfast. Rachel Green: FYI.. Ross Geller: There it is... Rachel Green: In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex... just do it. Ross Geller: Wait, wait, You're mad at me about last night? I was just trying to do the right thing. Rachel Green: Really? Well, it seems to me if you'd done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed, I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied! Ross Geller: Well... Rachel Green: Oh stop that! Ross Geller: I can't believe this. I was just being a good guy. I treated you with respect and understanding. Rachel Green: Oh, that is so hot. She walks around him to the other side) Ross Geller: Hey, I was looking out for you. Rachel Green: Oh, really, well Ross, you know what? I am a big girl. I don't need someone telling me what is best for me. Ross Geller: I gotta say, I have not had sex a lot of times before, this is the worst ever. Rachel Green: Oh, really, really? Well, it wasn't very good for me either. Ross Geller: Hey you know what? You know what? To avoid this little thing in the future, let's just say, you and me, never having sex again. Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: That's right, sex is off the table. I am never having sex with you again. Dr. Green, are you feeling better? Chandler Bing: Hey! How was lunch? Erica: We had a good time. By the way, I wanted to ask you something. It would really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, that you name him after my father, Jiminy Billy Bob. Chandler Bing: Oh, really? Erica: No! You we're right, that was fun! I'm gonna go finish packing. Chandler Bing: O-okay. So, is she gonna take the test? Monica Geller: Nope, she doesn't have to, I found out who the father is. Chandler Bing: Oh God. It's shovely-Joe, isn't it? Monica Geller: No it's not. Chandler Bing: How do you know? Erica: Well, it turns out that Erica didn't pay much attention in Sex Ed class, because the thing she did with that prison guy... it'd be pretty hard to make a baby that way. Chandler Bing: Oh God! What was it? The thing that we hardly ever do or the thing we never do? Monica Geller: The thing we never do. Chandler Bing: Shovely Joe! Director: Whenever you're ready Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Right. Dja bu bu Claude. Uh, c'est la pu les la lu blah bloo. Casting Assistant: I'm sorry, what's going on? Joey Tribbiani: Dude, come on! French it u-up! Director: Joey, do you speak French? Joey Tribbiani: Toutes la smore! Bu blu-ay bloo blah ooh! Pfoof! Director: You know what. I think this audition is over. Phoebe Buffay: Uh, excuse me. Uh, I am Regine Philange. I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my French town of Estee Lauder. Director: You really think this man is speaking French? Joey Tribbiani: Sa-sa-saw! Phoebe Buffay: Ecoutez, je vais vous dire la verite. C'est mon petit frere. Il est un peu retarde. Phoebe Buffay: Alors, si vous pouviez jouer le jeu avec lui... Director: Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think we're gonna go with someone else for the part. Joey Tribbiani: Ah. All right. But my French was good? Director: It was great. Joey Tribbiani: Oh-hoh! Ha-hah! See! Phoebe Buffay: Merci. Au revoir. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-hah. Toute-de-le-fruit. Ross Geller: Emma's down for the night. Rachel Green: Oh, good. Ross Geller: So uh... I guess I wanna take off. Rachel Green: Okay... Hey listen, just before you go I-I again, I just wanna say "thank you" for coming with me. Ross Geller: Oh, no problem. Rachel Green: And also, you know I uh, I was thinking about what you said, you know, about the whole sex thing and... it's probably not a great idea to go down that road again. Ross Geller: Thank you. I'm glad you agree. Rachel Green: It's a shame though, I mean, when we did it, it was pretty good. Ross Geller: Yeah... Yeah, that's true. Rachel Green: Hey uhm, do you remember that one really great time...? Ross Geller: Oh, ye-ah! Rachel Green: You know it was you're uhm... birthday... Ross Geller: ...Valentine's day... Both: Oh yeah! Rachel Green: Well, I guess that's all in the past, now. Ross Geller: Hmmm-mmmm. Rachel Green: Not even one more time? Ross Geller: Not even once. Rachel Green: No matter how much we want it. Ross Geller: Even if we want it really bad. Rachel Green: That's what we decided. Ross Geller: Uhm, right! Rachel Green: ...It's kinda hard though! Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: You know, when two people have a connection, you know, that's... just seems like such a... waste. Ross Geller: ...I hate waste. Rachel Green: ...Ross? Ross Geller: Yes? Rachel Green: Just so you know... With us... it's never off the table. Ross Geller: Damn it. It's never off the table. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, can you really tapdance? Joey Tribbiani: No. Phoebe Buffay: It's off the resume. Phoebe Buffay: Archery? Joey Tribbiani: No. Phoebe Buffay: Horseback riding? Joey Tribbiani: Would fall off a lot. Phoebe Buffay: You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds? Joey Tribbiani: That I can do. Phoebe Buffay: Come on! You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds? Joey Tribbiani: All right, watch me! Okay, you time me. Ready? Phoebe Buffay: Ready... GO! Phoebe Buffay: You did it!
Mike Hannigan: Thank you guys for having us over. Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Yeah, this is fun, couples night. Chandler Bing: Yeah, I don't know why we hang out with married couples more often. Monica Geller: Well, because every time we do, you make jokes about swinging and scare them away. Chandler Bing: You mean that Portuguese couple? Yeah, like you wouldn't have done it. Ross Geller: Hey, you guys... I have great news. Monica Geller: Ross, we're kind of in the middle of diner here. Ross Geller: Oh, well, er, I already ate, but sure...! Guess what happened at work today... Chandler Bing: A dinosaur died a million years ago? Ross Geller: Try sixty-five million years ago, and then try sssshhhhhh... My tenure review board met today and I hear it's looking really good. Phoebe Buffay: Wow! Ross Geller: Yeah. Do you have any idea what this means in academic circles, uh? I am gonna get laid. Rachel Green: Hi you guys. Everyone: Hey. Rachel Green: Ooh, Italian! Monica Geller: No one wanted seconds, right? Ross Geller: No, no. I-I'm good. Rachel Green: Hey you guys... You're never gonna believe it. This headhunter called me. I have a meeting tomorrow with Gucci. Gucci wants me. Ross Geller: I'm up for tenure. Rachel Green: Congratulations! Ross Geller: You too! What are the odds? Rachel Green: Ooh! Joey Tribbiani: Guess what? I finally got that seed out of my teeth. Monica Geller: I don't know who I'm happiest for... Phoebe Buffay: I do, he's been working on that all day! Phoebe Buffay: Hey Mon? Was it weird changing your name to Geller-Bing? Monica Geller: No, no. It felt nice to acknowledge this. Phoebe Buffay: Where did you go to do it? Monica Geller: Uhm the... the ministry... of names... bureau... Chandler Bing: YOU NEVER DID IT! Monica Geller: I'm sorry. It's just the idea of being an official Bing. Chandler Bing: Hey! I will have you know that... aah, who am I kidding. Let's call the kid Geller and let Bing die with me. Mike Hannigan: Here you go. Phoebe Buffay: Thanks! Honey, would you want me to take your name? Mike Hannigan: Oh, it's just... It's up to you. It's your name. You've got to live with it. Phoebe Buffay: All right, let's see, call me mrs Hannigan. Chandler Bing: Mrs Hannigan? Phoebe Buffay: What? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something? Ooh, I like it. Joey Tribbiani: Hey guys. Chandler Bing: Hey Joe! We've got a couple of things we've got to check out at the new house. You want to come with us? Joey Tribbiani: No, thank you. Monica Geller: All right. I know you're not happy about us moving, but you're the only one who hasn't seen the house. Chandler Bing: Yeah, come with us. You'll see how close it is to the city. Joey Tribbiani: But no, it's not close. You said it was in escrow? I couldn't even find it on the map. Monica Geller: Joey, please come. It would mean so much to us. Joey Tribbiani: You know what? You are my friends, I wanna be supportive, I will come with you. SHOTGUN! Chandler Bing: Damn it. Monica Geller: See you guys later. Phoebe Buffay: Okay! Monica Geller: I'll pick you up at eleven. So glad you're coming. Phoebe Buffay: Good for you. That was really mature. Joey Tribbiani: What? No, the only reason I'm going to their stupid new house, is so I can point out everything that's wrong with it, so they don't move. I'm gonna make them stay here. Mike Hannigan: You're a strange kind of grown-up. Phoebe Buffay: Joey, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Believe me, there's something I've been trying to get Mike to do in bed and there's... he's just... Mike Hannigan: Woo-wo-hey-hey-hey... Can we not talk about that right now? Phoebe Buffay: All right, prude... Look, Monica and Chandler really love this house. You are not gonna talk them into staying here. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey... I can convince people to do anything, you know. I bet I can even get Mike to do that "thing". What is it? Joey Tribbiani: I AM NOT GONNA HELP YOU DO THAT! Goodbye! Rachel Green: Hi, I'm here to see mr Campbell... with Gucci. The reservation is probably under Gucci. It's spelled like Gukki, which could be confusing. Maitre D': Mr Campbell's not here yet. Let me show you to his table. Rachel Green: Oh my God! That's my boss. You have to seat us somewhere else. Maitre D': I'm sorry. That's always mr Campbell's table. Rachel Green: But my... but my boss cannot see me. I'm interviewing for another job. Maitre D': I know. With Gukki. Rachel Green: Sssshhhh! Mr. Zelner: Rachel? Rachel Green: Hi... I'm on a date... Mr. Zelner: That's great! Rachel Green: Yeah, it is. Yeah, you know, it's tough. Single mom, career... You gotta get out there. Mr. Zelner: Well, you got uhm... good energy. Rachel Green: Oh. Mr. Campbell: Rachel? Rachel Green: Yes, hi! Mr. Campbell: James Campbell... Rachel Green: Hi! Excuse us. Mr. Campbell: Please... Rachel Green: Okay. Oh, yeah... Oh he's cute! Mr. Campbell: So... your resume is quite impressive. Rachel Green: Wha... My resume? I wouldn't... I wouldn't call my online dating profile a resume. Mr. Campbell: Dating profile? I-I-I'm talking about the work resume. Rachel Green: Whatever happened to just singing for no reason? Huh? Mr. Campbell: Maybe people... found it weird... So, why do you want to leave Ralph Lauren? Rachel Green: What? I-I don't. Mr. Campbell: You don't? Rachel Green: No, I-I-I love it there. Mr. Campbell: Well, if you don't want to leave, why are we having this lunch? Mr. Campbell: What? Mr. Campbell: That's Hugo Boss? Phoebe Buffay: This place is so depressing. If I had to work here I'd kill myself. But you obviously haven't. Clerk: How can I help you? Phoebe Buffay: I need to change my name, please. See, I need to change it because I'm-I'm hiding from the law. You're fun. Clerk: You need to fill out this form. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, well, I just don't, I don't know how it works exactly. See, my name is Buffay and my husband's name is Hannigan, so is it supposed to be Buffay-Hannigan or Hannigan-Buffay? Clerk: It can be anything you want. Phoebe Buffay: Well, not anything, I mean... Clerk: Yeah... anything. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, this could take a while. Clerk: Get out of my line. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey Pheebs. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, not anymore. I changed it today. Monica Geller: Oh, I'm sorry, mrs Hannigan. Phoebe Buffay: Wrong again! Apparently you can change it to anything you want. So I thought, all right, here's an opportunity to be creative. So meet Princess Consuela Banana Hammock. Chandler Bing: That's what we were gonna name the baby. Monica Geller: Phoebe! Phoebe Buffay: Uh! Princess Consuela. Monica Geller: You seriously changed your name to that? Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh! Monica Geller: Okay, so from now on we have to call you Princess Consuela? Phoebe Buffay: Uhm, no. I'm gonna have my friends call me Valerie. Chandler Bing: Hey, how'd the interview go? Rachel Green: Oh! It's not good. Chandler Bing: You know, I always feel that way after an interview. I'll bet it went better than you think. Rachel Green: Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci and I got fired from Ralph Lauren. Chandler Bing: That is a bad interview. Phoebe Buffay: What are you, what are you talking about? How did this happen? Rachel Green: Well, my boss was at the same restaurant where I was having my interview and he heard everything. So later he calls me to his office and he tells me that he's gonna have to let me go, because I'm not a team player. And I said "Wait a minute! Yes I am." and I had to sit there for 45 minutes while he proved that that in fact... was true. Monica Geller: Oh God. I'm so sorry. Ross Geller: Hey! Wha-hoo! What's this? Well it's a, it's a bottle of champagne. Why is this here? Phoebe Buffay: Ross... Ross Geller: I guess it's here because I GOT TENURE! Everyone: Congratulations! Ross Geller: This is the single greatest day of my professional career. Gunther, six glasses! Gunther: Six? You want me to join you? Ross Geller: Oh, I thought Joey was here. Five is good. Well, I'm gonna have a loogie in my coffee tomorrow. Chandler Bing: Ooh! Israeli champagne. And it's vanilla! Ross Geller: I got tenure. I didn't win the lottery... Hey Rach, so uh... how did your thing go? Rachel Green: Oh it... good! Yeah, but I'm not gonna hear from that for a couple of days. Ross Geller: Oh, you know what? You're gonna get it. I-I-I-I can feel it. Phoebe Buffay: Can you? Rachel Green: Ah, all right. Here's to Ross! Ross Geller: And-and to years of hard work finally paying off. Phoebe Buffay: And to knowing that your career doesn't mean everything. Ross Geller: But also knowing it means a lot. Monica Geller: But more importantly to full well-rounded lives. Ross Geller: ...that center around work. Chandler Bing: To Ross! Everyone: Ross! Ross Geller: You know what the best part about this is? I can never be fired. Phoebe Buffay: Oh God! Ross Geller: No seriously. I have job security for life. You know, I never have to worry. Oh, look at you. Look how happy you are for me. Rachel Green: No, it's not that. I got fired today. And I didn't get the other job. Ross Geller: Rach, I'm so sorry. Rachel Green: Oh! Ross Geller: Great. I feel like an idiot. Rachel Green: No, it's okay, you didn't know. Ross Geller: Oh... Little heads-up would have been nice. Monica Geller: Thank you for letting us see the house again. Chandler Bing: And thank you for explaining to us what escrow means... I've already forgotten what you said, but thank you. Realtor: Take as long as you want. Just let me know when you're through. Monica Geller: Ah, so glad you decided to come. Joey Tribbiani: Me too. Yeah, this place is great. I'm so happy for you guys. Although, you know, I hope you like fungus. Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: Fungus! Yeah. Place is full of it. Monica Geller: No it's not. We had an inspection and they didn't find anything. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Then I guess I have dry eyes and a scratchy throat for no reason. Monica Geller: Maybe because it's you hung your head out of the window like a dog the whole ride here. Joey Tribbiani: Maybe. So this is the living room huh? Ooh, it's pretty dark. Monica Geller: No it's not! Joey Tribbiani: Are you kiddin'? I think I just saw a bat in the corner! Chandler Bing: When your head was hanging out the window, it didn't hit a mailbox, did it? Joey Tribbiani: Maybe. Well, I just think you guys can do better than this house, you know? Or any other house for that matter. Monica Geller: Oh Joey, look, we know you're having a hard time with this, but we really, we love it here. Joey Tribbiani: FINE, ok, if you love this house so much, then you should just live here, okay? I just hope you get used to that weird humming sound. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Monica Geller: Joey, we know that's you. Joey Tribbiani: no... hmmmmm... it's not... hmmmmmmmmmm. Mike Hannigan: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Welcome back! Mike Hannigan: Ah! I missed you. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, me too! Mike Hannigan: So, what's new? Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm no longer Phoebe Buffay. Mike Hannigan: That's great! You changed you name? Phoebe Buffay: Yes I did! Meet: Princess Consuela Banana Hammock! Mike Hannigan: You're kidding right? Phoebe Buffay: Nope. Mike Hannigan: You really did that? Phoebe Buffay: Yep. Mike Hannigan: Yeah, but you can't do that. Phoebe Buffay: Why? It's fun, it's different, no-one else has a name like it. Mike Hannigan: Alright, then I'm gonna change my name. Phoebe Buffay: Great, okay, what are you gonna change it to? Mike Hannigan: Crap Bag. Phoebe Buffay: Mike Crap Bag? Mike Hannigan: No, no Mike, just Crap Bag. First name Crap, last name Bag. Phoebe Buffay: You're not serious, right? Mike Hannigan: Yeah, I'm serious. It's fun, it's different and no-one else has a name like that! Phoebe Buffay: Uhu, uhu, well, then, great. If you love it, I love it. Mike Hannigan: I do love it, and I love your name. I love Princess Consuela. Phoebe Buffay: And I love Crap. Joey Tribbiani: Ow! Girl: Who are you? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hi, I'm Joey. My stupid friends are buying this house. Who are you? Girl: I'm Mackenzie. My stupid parents are selling this house. Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Mackenzie: I hate my parents. Joey Tribbiani: I hate my friends. Alright, look. There's gotta be a way that we can stop this from happening. Mackenzie: Like what? Joey Tribbiani: Uhm... oh! Okay. You come with me, and you tell them that the house is haunted! Mackenzie: What are you? Eight? Joey Tribbiani: Woah, uh! Okay, let's hear your great idea. Mackenzie: I don't have any great ideas. I am eight. Joey Tribbiani: Ahh! There's gotta be a way. I mean, you know, if Monica and Chandler move out here and now Phoebe is married to Mike. That just leaves me and Ross and Rach, you know what I mean? Mackenzie: I really don't. Joey Tribbiani: What am I gonna do, I feel like I'm losing my friends. Mackenzie: My parents say I'm gonna make new friends. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah, sure, easy for you, you're young. Me, I'm set in my ways. Mackenzie: This is what my mom was talking about. Whiners are wieners. Look, you want your friends to be happy, right? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah, I guess. Mackenzie: Well, if moving here is gonna make them happy, don't you want them to do it? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, maybe. Mackenzie: Then you gotta let them go. Joey Tribbiani: I hate to admit it, but you're probably right. How did you get to be so smart? Mackenzie: I read a lot. Joey Tribbiani: Just when I thought we could be friends. Man: Hey Rach, I just heard. I'm so sorry. Rachel Green: Oh, thank you... Man: You still don't know my name, do you? Rachel Green: Well, now I don't have to. Rachel Green: Ross, what is taking you so long? Ross Geller: I'm sorry, it's almost as if this wasn't built for a quick getaway! Mark Robinson: Rachel? Rachel Green: Mark? Oh my God! Mark Robinson: How've you been? Rachel Green: I'm fantastic. You remember Ross? Mark Robinson: Sure, sure. What's with the chair. Ross Geller: Uh, you know, you can't always get a seat on the subway, so... Mark Robinson: Clever. So how are you? Rachel Green: Oh, well, you're not catching me on my best day. Mark Robinson: Yeah, a box full of your desk stuff doesn't exactly say big promotion. Rachel Green: No, but it's good, you know, I'm gonna take some time off and do some charity work. Mark Robinson: Are you sure, because we may have something at Louis Vuitton. Rachel Green: Well, screw charity work. What've you got? Mark Robinson: Why don't we have dinner tonight and talk about it? Rachel Green: Great! I'll call ya! Mark Robinson: Nice to see you. Ross Geller: Yeah! yeah, I got tenure! Rachel Green: Oh my God! Ross Geller: See? I told you something good would come along. And he seemed really nice. I've met him before? Rachel Green: Ross! That's Mark. From Bloomingdales? You were insanely jealous of him. Ross Geller: That is Mark? Rachel Green: Yes. Ross Geller: I hate that guy. Rachel Green: Oh. Ross Geller: No, no, NO, you cannot go to dinner with him. Rachel Green: What? You don't want me to get a job? Ross Geller: Oh yeah, I'm sure he's gonna give you a job. Maybe make you his SEXretary. Rachel Green: Ugh. Ross Geller: I'm serious. I just don't trust that guy, okay? Rachel Green: Ross, you know what? Okay, let's talk about it later, there comes security. Monica Geller: Oh, I love this street. The trees, the big front yards, the actual picket fences. Chandler Bing: Man, those two dogs are going at it! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey. Monica Geller: Hey, where have you been? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, just er... you know, looking around. But you know what? This house... is great. Chandler Bing: Really? What changed your mind? Joey Tribbiani: Oh well, the little girl who lives here made me feel a lot better about the whole thing. Chandler Bing: Joey, there was a little girl who lived here, but she died like 30 years ago. Joey Tribbiani: What? Chandler Bing: Ha! I'm just messing with you. Joey Tribbiani: That's not funny! You know I'm afraid of little girl ghosts! Monica Geller: Joey, now that you're okay with the house, do you wanna go see your room? Joey Tribbiani: What? I get my own room? Chandler Bing: You don't think we'd buy a house and not have a Joey room do you? Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God! Oh! Hey, can I have an aquarium? And a sex swing? Joey Tribbiani: Why not? I'll keep the tank clean. Mike Hannigan: After you, miss Banana Hammock. Phoebe Buffay: Thank you, mister Bag. Woman: Oh hey, how are you? Phoebe Buffay: Oh hi Rita! Good! Oh, Rita's a massage client. Mike Hannigan: Oh! Why don't you introduce me? Phoebe Buffay: Er, Rita, this is my husband. Rita: Oh! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Mike Hannigan: Why don't you tell her my name? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I will. This is my husband Crap Bag. Rita: Crap Bag? Mike Hannigan: If you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap. Rita: Okay. Excuse me... Phoebe Buffay: Yeah... Ogh... Okay, fine. You made your point. Can you please just be Mike Hannigan again? Mike Hannigan: Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffay. Phoebe Buffay: How about uhm... How about Buffay-Hannigan? Mike Hannigan: Really? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. I'm Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan Banana Hammock. Mike Hannigan: Do you even know what a banana hammock is? Phoebe Buffay: It's a funny word. Mike Hannigan: It's a Speedo. Phoebe Buffay: ...Oh crap! Ross Geller: Hey, is Rachel here? Monica Geller: No. Ross Geller: She's still at dinner? Monica Geller: I guess. Why? Who's she with? Ross Geller: That guy Mark. From Bloomingdale's... She thinks he's just being nice to her. But I know he really wants to sleep with her. Chandler Bing: It's seven years ago. My time machine works! Ross Geller: We ran into him on the street today and he said he might have a job for her. But I know he just wants to get into her pants. Monica Geller: So what if he wants to sleep with her? I mean, she's single and he's cute. Chandler Bing: Excuse me? Monica Geller: Oh please! Yesterday on the subway? You couldn't stop staring at that woman with the big breasts the whole time. Chandler Bing: For your information, I was staring at her baby. We're about to be parents. Monica Geller: Oh, sorry! Rachel Green: Hi you guys! Ross Geller: Hey, so uhm... How was dinner? Rachel Green: Oh, it was great. Mark is so sweet. Ross Geller: Oh yeah? Yeah? I wonder why? What could that smarmy letch possibly want? Rachel Green: Oh Ross, come on. He's happily married. His wife just had twins. Ross Geller: Should we send something? Chandler Bing: How did the job stuff go? Rachel Green: He offered me one. Chandler Bing: That's great! Ross Geller: Congratulations! Rachel Green: I know, it's amazing. It's amazing. It's so much better than what I had at Ralph Lauren. The money is great... Ross Geller: Can we, can we just stop for a second? Who said something better would come along, huh? You didn't believe me. I told you everything was gonna work out. You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israels finest. Rachel Green: The job is in Paris. Joey Tribbiani: I mean, this soap opera is a great gig, but... am I missing opportunities? You know, I've always thought of myself as a serious actor. I mean, should I be trying to do more independent movies? Mackenzie: I don't know... You know what? I'm gonna put you on with my bear. Hold on. Joey Tribbiani: Hey bear, I need some career advice.
Chandler Bing: How did the job stuff go? Rachel Green: He offered me one. Ross Geller: You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israels finest. Rachel Green: The job is in Paris. FADE OUT. Rachel Green: Oh, God! Please, somebody say something. Ross Geller: So if you take this job you'll be moving to Paris? Chandler Bing: Or facing a bitch of a commute. Rachel Green: I know, it's huge, and it's scary, and it's... really far, far away from you guys, but this is such an incredible opportunity for me. And I've already talked to them about our situation with Emma, and they said they'll do whatever we need to make us feel comfortable. Ross Geller: Okay. Rachel Green: I mean, I'll fly back and forth, they'll fly you out... Anything we want. Chandler Bing: My boss said I might be getting a new lamp in my cubicle. Ross Geller: All right, we'll work it out. Rachel Green: Thank you! Thank you! Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah! You sure this is what you want? Rachel Green: I think it is. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, what's going on? Rachel Green: I got a really incredible job offer. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, great! All right! Phoebe Buffay: Good for you! Rachel Green: It's in Paris. Joey Tribbiani: What? No, no, no! No, no... no... no, no... No, too much is changing, okay? First, Phoebe getting married Congratulations! ... and then these two move into a stupid house in the stupid suburbs... Monica Geller: Hey, this afternoon you said you'd be supportive... Joey Tribbiani: Well, it comes and goes. I wouldn't trust it. Rachel Green: Look, you guys... this is really, really important to me. And it means a lot if you could try to get on board. Phoebe Buffay: Of course we can. Congratulations. Yay! Joey... Joey Tribbiani: No, no, no. My hugs are reserved for people STAYING IN AMERICA. Rachel Green: Joey, it would mean so... Joey Tribbiani: Hey! No! Get your France-going-arms away from me. Rachel Green: Joey... Phoebe Buffay: You okay with this? Chandler Bing: Well, it makes me feel sad, but... Phoebe Buffay: Talking to Ross. Chandler Bing: I see. Ross Geller: Well, Rachel moving to another country? Not being able to see her every day. How can I be okay with this? Monica Geller: I know, but what are we gonna do? She really needs this job. Ross Geller: Do you think if the Ralph Lauren people offered her her old job back, she would take it? Monica Geller: How is that gonna happen? Chandler Bing: Is this the best way to use one of your three magic wishes? Ross Geller: I don't know. I could talk to her boss. Yeah! I met him at that Christmas party. We really hit it off. Monica Geller: You mean the guy who kept calling you Ron? Ross Geller: I didn't say we were brothers. Monica Geller: Hey Phoebe. Hey, tell me what you think. All right. The house next door to the one that we're buying in Westchester? Just went on the market. I wanna take a look at it, but Chandler doesn't. Chandler Bing: We close escrow tomorrow, so seeing another house can only confuse us, and we're easily confused. We're not very bright. Monica Geller: But what if it is better than ours? Should we at least look? Chandler Bing: What do you think Pheebs? Phoebe Buffay: Well, I think that shirt makes you look like you should work at a Baskin Robbins... Anyway... Hey, isn't Joey's agent Estelle Leonard? Chandler Bing: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: She died. Chandler Bing: You're kidding! Monica Geller: That's terrible! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, last Saturday. Wow! She was the first black man to fly solo across the Atlantic. Oh, wait a minute, I read the wrong one. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, she was just an agent. Monica Geller: Joey's gonna be *so* upset. Chandler Bing: I know. *He* always wanted to be the first black man to cross the Atlantic. Phoebe Buffay: Well, we cannot tell Joey about this. He's already flipping out about everything that's changing. This will push him over the edge. Monica Geller: Seriously, you don't think we should tell him? Phoebe Buffay: Well, not for a little while. Let's just give him a few days to get used to everything else. Monica Geller: What if he reads it in the paper? Chandler Bing: Unless Snoopy says it to Charlie Brown, I think we're okay. Mr. Zelner: May I help you? Ross Geller: Yeah, I'm a friend of Rachel Green's. Uhm, actually we met at the Christmas party about two years ago. Mr. Zelner: Oh right, uhm, Don? Ross Geller: Close. Ron. Mr. Zelner: Uh... What can I do for you? Ross Geller: Uhm, well... I'm here to see if you'll give Rachel her job back. Mr. Zelner: Ah, did she ask you to come here and do this? Ross Geller: Oh, no. At first I have to get you to agree. Then we'll see if she wants to come back. Mr. Zelner: Wow, that is tempting. Ross Geller: Look, she loved her job here. And let's face it: you're not gonna find anyone who did it as well as she did it. Isn't that true? Mr. Zelner: She is good! Ross Geller: Huh, I took a shot there. Mr. Zelner: But I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do... Ah, it's not true, there is... nothing I want to do. Ross Geller: I see... Thanks very much. Is this your son? Mr. Zelner: Yeah, his name is Ross. What? Ross Geller: Oh, nothing, it's just, it's close to Ron. Does he.. Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance? Mr. Zelner: Yeah, they're all he talks about, why? Ross Geller: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants. . I just heard it as you must have heard it and that's not good. Let me start again. I'm a paleontologist, you'll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones... fossils! Mr. Zelner: You can really arrange that? Ross Geller: You let Rachel come back, and it's done. Mr. Zelner: Well, I guess having Rachel back wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Ross Geller: Yeah! Yes! Thank you! This is great. Thank you so much. And I swear, your kid is going to have the time of his life. Mr. Zelner: That's great. I worry about little Ross. He's always reading, he's collecting rocks and he's obsessed with dinosaurs. Ross Geller: He'll be fine. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Everything ok? Joey Tribbiani: I'm just mad at my agent. Phoebe Buffay: Estelle? Why? Joey Tribbiani: There's a part in a TV movie that I would be perfect for and I didn't even be put up for it! She'd better have a good reason. Phoebe Buffay: I'm guessing she does. Joey Tribbiani: Well I'm wanna hear it, because she keeps doing this. Phoebe Buffay: Well, no, no, wait, wait, wait. All right, I gotta go. Just listen. Promise me, that you will wait a minute before you call her. Joey Tribbiani: Ok. Why? Phoebe Buffay: Because a promise between friends means never having to give a reason. Joey Tribbiani: I love that saying! . Joey Tribbiani: Hello? Phoebe Buffay: Joey, it's Estelle. Joey Tribbiani: I was just gonna call you! That's weird. Phoebe Buffay: It's a little coincidental, but believable. . Listen, I'm sure you're wondering why I didn't get you an audition for that TV movie. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, actually I am! Phoebe Buffay: I guess I dropped the ball there. Whoopsie! Joey Tribbiani: That's it? You know, it seems all you do lately is drop the ball. Phoebe Buffay: Don't take that tone with me. Who you think you are? Alan Lemond, the first black man to fly solo across the Atlantic? Joey Tribbiani: No, no, look. All I'm saying is that you're my agent, ok? And you're not getting me into any auditions and I'm tired of it. Phoebe Buffay: What are you saying? Joey Tribbiani: I'm saying that... . This isn't working for me anymore, ok? Estelle, you're fired. Goodbye. . Phoebe Buffay: Man, tough week for Estelle! Ross Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: Hi. Ross Geller: Emma left her stuffed t-rex at my house. You know she can't sleep without it. Rachel Green: Oh, well, she's asleep now. Stop forcing that thing on her. Ross Geller: Ok. Rachel Green: Oh, you're not gonna believe what happened to me today! Ralph Lauren called, and gave me my job back! Ross Geller: Nooo! Rachel Green: Yee. I mean, it was so weirdest thing. They fired me and then out of nowhere they just hire me back! I mean, that place must have been falling apart without me. Ross Geller: So, you're not going to Paris. Rachel Green: No, I'm still going. Ross Geller: Wh... wh...what? Rachel Green: When the Louis Vuitton people found out that Ralph Lauren wanted me back, the offered me more money! Isn't that great? Ross Geller: Yeeeah! Monica Geller: Hi. We're buying the house next door, and we were wondering if we could just take a look around. Lady: Oh, sure. I'm showing it to someone else right now, but please, look around. Monica Geller: Thanks. Chandler Bing: It feels like we're cheating on our house. And if we're gonna cheat, shouldn't it be with like a hot, younger house, that does stuff that our house won't do? Monica Geller: Ours is so much better! This living room is smaller, the dining room looks like a cave! What a hole! Lady: So? What do you think? Monica Geller: Love it! Lady: Well, we already have one offer on it, and I think the lady upstairs is goning to make another one. Monica Geller: They could be our neighbors, what are they like? Lady: Oh, the woman upstairs is very nice. She and her husband have two kids, he's on Wall Street and she... Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh my God! . Chandler Bing: Sure. Phoebe Buffay: Hey Joey, want come with me to... are you ok? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I just... I just feel bad about firing Estelle. This is got to be killing her. Phoebe Buffay: No, that wouldn't kill her. Ordinary embolism might. Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. She's got to be taking it hard, I was like her only client. Except for this guy who eats paper. And I'm guessing he eats more money than he makes. Look, I know she's not a great agent, but she did stick with me for ten years. I'm gonna call her and hire her again. Phoebe Buffay: No, no, no! Don't call her! You wait for her to call you. Joey Tribbiani: Why? Phoebe Buffay: Because patience is the road to understanding which ... is the key... to a happy heart. Joey Tribbiani: You blow me away. Phoebe Buffay: All right, so promise you're gonna wait for her to call you? Joey Tribbiani: I promise. And that means, never having to give a reason. Janice Litman Goralnik: What a small world! Chandler Bing: And yet I never run into Beyonce! Realtor: You two know each other? Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, we go way back. Before Monica made an honest man out of him, Chandler used to be my little love muffin! . So? Are you guys thinking of getting this house too? Ooh! Are we gonna have a bidding war? I'd better warn you, I'm a toughie. Chandler Bing: Don't, don't! Monica Geller: No, actually, we're buying the house next door. Chandler Bing: Why!? Monica Geller: I don't know why. Janice Litman Goralnik: Ooh, that decides it then. I was on the fence. But knowing that you two would be our neighbors? Ah! now we have to get it! Ellen, we're going to talk numbers. Chandler Bing: This can not be happening! Monica Geller: Okay, the realtor said another couple made an offer. Maybe the Janice's won't get it! Maybe the other couple will. Chandler Bing: The only way that that is going to happen, is if the other couple are the Hitlers. Monica Geller: Okay, Okay, All right. What if we got both houses? Huh? We can turn this house into a guest house. Chandler Bing: That is a great idea! And by the way, I don't mean to sound distasteful, but when did you start crapping money!? Monica Geller: Okay, you come up with an idea. Chandler Bing: Alright alright, we still have three hours till escrow closes on our house. We can still get out. Monica Geller: But we love our house. Chandler Bing: Will we love it so much with her next door? And she's gonna be louder out here too. Just the crickets and "Oh My God"! Monica Geller: Okay, but if we don't get this house, she's stil gonna show up wherever we go! I mean, at least if she's here, it eliminates the element of suprise. I mean, never again will you have to hear the three words that make your balls jump back up inside your body. Chandler Bing: Well, we have to do something. We can't have her living next door. Oh, that does it too. Mr. Zelner: Who is it? Ross Geller: It's me. Ron. Look, I um, I now Rachel turned you down but I think there is a way you might be able to get her to come back. Mr. Zelner: This may surprise you, but re-hiring fired employees, is not my main job. Ross Geller: Just hear me out. How would you feel about offering her a raise? Mr. Zelner: Not good, Ron. Ross Geller: Perhaps I can persuade you. What if you can give your son this genuine pterodactyl egg replica. Mr. Zelner: Wow, that's pretty cool. Ross Geller: Huh? So? We have a deal? Mr. Zelner: Okay, you got it. Ross Geller: Yes! yes! Mr. Zelner: This is gonna make me very popular. Ross Geller: Oh, Believe me, the ladies, they love it! Mr. Zelner: I meant with my son. Ross Geller: Good, 'cause the ladies, not so much. Answering Machine: Joey, this is Al T. Booker, the guy who eats paper. I'm sure you've heard that Estelle passed away. I wanted to let you know there's a memorial for her at the Westside chapel, tomorrow at ten. Hope you can make it. Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God. Hello? Phoebe Buffay: Joey, it's Estelle. Joey Tribbiani: Estelle? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I wanted to call and tell you that there's no hard feelings for firing me. Joey Tribbiani: Ok-ay. I just, I can't believe you're calling me? Phoebe Buffay: Well, I didn't think I should just drop by... Joey Tribbiani: No, no, no! Don't drop by, don't drop by! Phoebe Buffay: Anyway, you did what you had to do. I'm okay. Joey Tribbiani: Can I ask you something? Uhm, what's it like there? Phoebe Buffay: It's alright. Look kiddo, I gotta go. Good luck with the career. You're gonna be huge. Joey Tribbiani: Thanks for everything Estelle. Bye. "out of area". Boy, I'll say. Janice Litman Goralnik: Well... I just talked to Sid, we are definitely putting in an offer on the house... a-a-and I'll bet we get it. Chandler Bing: The Hitlers will be so disappointed. Janice Litman Goralnik: All right, I got to run. Tell Monica I say goodbye. And... I'll see you later, neighbor. Chandler Bing: Wait! I just want you to know that... I'm so happy you're going to be here. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, me too... Chandler Bing: Because... that way... we can pick up where we left off. Janice Litman Goralnik: Huh? Chandler Bing: I never stopped loving you. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh... my... Chandler Bing: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I want you... I need you... I must have you Janice Litman Goralnik Neihosenstein. Janice Litman Goralnik: Chandler, what are you talking about? Chandler Bing: Now that you live next door, we can be together every day. Sid and Monica never have to know a thing. Janice Litman Goralnik: I don't know what to say... I mean, you know, obviously we have this... heat between us. Chandler Bing: Obviously. Janice Litman Goralnik: But I love my husband. And I know you love your wife. Now, I don't think we should get this house now. Chandler Bing: Don't say that. Don't tangle the dream and take it away. Janice Litman Goralnik: Chandler, one of us has got to be strong. Chandler Bing: I understand. Janice Litman Goralnik: Although, maybe just... one last moment of weakness... Goodbye Chandler Bing. Chandler Bing: They're never coming down now. Rachel Green: Hi! Ross Geller: Hey! Rachel Green: You are never going to believe what happened to me today. Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: Ralph Lauren called again and they offered me more money. Ross Geller: They did? Rachel Green: Yeah. It was the weirdest thing. Zelner called me and he said we'll do everything we can to get you back. And that I should thank some Ron... I don't even know what department that guy's in. Ross Geller: So, what are you gonna do? Rachel Green: Well, I took it. Ross Geller: That's great! So you're staying in New York! Both: YAY! WHOO! YAY! Ross Geller: You're excited, right? Rachel Green: Ye-ah. Yeah! You know, the money's great. It's certainly the easier choice... Ross Geller: Right! Rachel Green: Yeah, you know, was I looking forward to going to Paris? Sure. You know, was I excited about working in the fashion capital of the world? Ooh, absolutely... Oh...! Yeah, but you know, this is... it's fine. I'm fine going back to a job where I've pretty much gotten everything out of that I possibly can... Ross Geller: Uhm, I hadn't no you... I had no idea you were so excited about Paris. Uhm, I mean, you said you were scared. Rachel Green: Well yeah, but I mean, it was good scared though, you know? Like when I-moved-to-New-York scared. Or uhm, when I-found-out-I-was-gonna-have-Emma scared... But this is... fine. This is gonna be good. Ross Geller: You should go. Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: It's what you want. You should go. Rachel Green: You really think so? Ross Geller: I really do. Rachel Green: But I already told Zelner that I would come back... Ross Geller: I'm sure he'll understand. Rachel Green: All right. ALL RIGHT! I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go to Paris. Ross Geller: Yeah... Rachel Green: Yeah! I'm going to Paris. Thank you, Ross! Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah, oh! Rachel Green: Oh! Oh, I'm so happy. Ross Geller: Then I'm happy too. Joey Tribbiani: Thank you all for coming. We're here today to pay respects to a wonderful agent and a beautiful woman... ..inside. As Estelle's only two clients we would like to say a few words. Dude, where's my speech? That is entertaining. Al Zebooker everybody.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, all right, all right, let's play one more time, ok? And remember, if I win you do not move to Paris. Rachel Green: Ok! Can't believe I'm risking this again, but you're on! All right Joe, you remember the rules! Heads I win, tails you lose. Joey Tribbiani: Just flip! Rachel Green: Ha, tails! Joey Tribbiani: Damnit! Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: So we thought we'd throw you little going away party around seven. Rachel Green: Oh, that sounds good! Monica Geller: Hey, Rach, you're leaving tomorrow, shouldn't you be packing? Rachel Green: It's all done! Monica Geller: Oh, yeah, right! And after I took a shower this morning I just threw my towel on the floor! Oh God, it hurts to even joke about it. Rachel Green: I know... Honey, seriously, I did it all. The luggage that I'm taking is in the bedroom, this is Emma's Paris stuff, these are the boxes that I'm having shipped, and that's the sandwich that I made for the plane... Monica Geller: Ok, so you've done some good work! What about your carry-ons? Rachel Green: Oh, well. Everything that I need is in here and my travel documents are on the counter organized in the order that I will be needing them. Monica Geller: Oh my God! I have nothing left to teach you! Chandler Bing: Where's your passport? Rachel Green: It should be right next to my plane ticket. Chandler Bing: Well, it's not. Rachel Green: What? Maybe I put it in here . Oh, oh, it's not in there! Oh, no! I must have packed it in one of these boxes! Monica Geller: Here, let me help you. Rachel Green: Shoot. Oh, I can't believe I did this! Chandler Bing: At what point did it stop being funny that I took her passport? OPENING SEQUENCE. Monica Geller: Oh, wow, can you believe you're like three weeks away? Erica: I know. Monica Geller: You don't mind me touching your belly, do you? Erica: No, I don't mind you touching my belly, but right now your hand is kind of blocking the part where the baby is gonna come out. Ross Geller: Hey! Erica: Hi. Ross Geller: Hey Erica, welcome back to town! Wow, look how big you've gotten. Erica: That's because I'm pregnant! Ross Geller: Right, no, I understand. Erica: Oh, ok. I'm just always afraid that people think I'm just fat with big breasts. Ross Geller: No, no, I knew . Monica Geller: Okay, well, stop staring at them. Ross Geller: She brought them up! I didn't realize you were coming back so soon! Erica: Hey, well, in a couple of weeks I won't be able to travel. Monica Geller: Yeah, and I wanted her to get to know the doctors and get settled into the hotel. Ross Geller: Hotel? Why isn't she staying with you guys? Monica Geller: Because we're moving in a couple of days and it just didn't make sense. Erica: Plus hotels are fun! My room has this little fridge full of free snacks! Ross Geller: Erica, those things aren't free. In fact they have one of the highest mark-ups of any consumer product... Monica Geller: Ross! She's giving us her baby. She can eat you if she wants. Erica: I'll be right back. Ross Geller: Oh man, I can't believe you guys are leaving this place. Monica Geller: Oh, I know. I know. Hey, you know, you can take it if you want! The lease is still in Nana's name. Ross Geller: No, no. This will always be your place. It would be too sad. Plus, how much a month does it cost to feed Joey? Monica Geller: Yeah, it takes two incomes. Ross Geller: Hey, is Chandler here? We talked about catching a movie. Monica Geller: Oh, no. He doesn't have time for that. But if you want, you can go help him and Joey pack up the guest room. Ross Geller: Mhm, packing - sexy cheerleader comedy. Monica Geller: Mhm, helpful brother - creepy loner at teen movie. Ross Geller: What are you guys doing? Joey Tribbiani: Try it, I can't feel a thing! Monica Geller: Are, are you kidding? This is packing? Chandler Bing: We're taking a break! Monica Geller: From? Chandler Bing: Jumping on the bed? Monica Geller: All right, Rachel's party is in a couple of hours and there's a lot to do. Now, Ross, you got Geller blood, you're in charge of these yahoos! Ross Geller: You got it! . All right, she's right, we gotta get serious. Let's put styrofoam peanuts down his pants and kick him! Chandler Bing: No, no, no, guys. She's right. We should get to work. I'll take stuff out of the closet, Joey you pack 'em and Ross you re-pack whatever Joey packs. Joey Tribbiani: You guys hear a ringing? Chandler Bing: What the hell is this? Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Handcuffs! And fur line, nice! I didn't know you guys had it in ya! Ross Geller: Chandler, you don't have a sister so you can't understand how much this bums me out. Chandler Bing: I didn't know Monica had these! Joey Tribbiani: Mhm, maybe she used them with another boyfriend. Maybe Richard! Chandler Bing: Why would she use them with Richard and not me? I can be kinky! I once did a naked dance for her... with scarves! Ross Geller: Bumming hard, guys, bumming hard. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Where's Mike? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, he has a gig. I kinda like being married to a rock star, you know. My husband has a gig. Ross Geller: Yeah? Yeah, where is it? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, he's playing organ for a children's roller-skating party. Ross Geller: Rock on! Phoebe : Wow, this is quite a spread! What is all this stuff? Monica Geller: Well, I thought this would be a great opportunity to use up all the food that I don't want to move to the new house with me! So, enjoy: smoke oyster casserole with a breakfast cereal crust, kidney beans in their own juices, and for dessert, a questionable orange. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Chandler Bing: Hey. Ross Geller: Hey, where's Rach? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, she's putting Emma down, she'll be over in a second. Ross Geller: Great. Joey Tribbiani: Now it just hit her that she's leaving and she's kind of emotional so no one say anything to set her off, ok? Monica Geller: Yeah. Everyone: Hey Rach, hey you. Ross Geller: Here she is! Rachel Green: Hi you guys! Joey Tribbiani: What did I just say? Rachel Green: No, no, no. It's ok. I'm gonna be fine. Monica Geller: Come here, I'll make you a drink. Ross Geller: Oh, man! I can't believe she's actually leaving. How am I gonna say goodbye to Rachel? Chandler Bing: I know, she's been such a big part of my life. And it feels like when Melrose Place got cancelled. I mean... oh, forget it. I miss Melrose Place! Joey Tribbiani: You know, I had a chance to stop her too! Ross Geller: Yeah? Joey Tribbiani: Who loses fifty seven coin tosses in a row? Head she wins, tails I lose. Wait a minute... Chandler Bing: Yes, Joe? Joey Tribbiani: I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning! Phoebe Buffay: You doing ok? Rachel Green: Well, I've been better. Phoebe Buffay: Uh-hmm. Rachel Green: You guys are gonna come and visit me, right? Phoebe Buffay: Yes! You know, in six months the Statute of Limitations runs out and I can travel internationally again! Rachel Green: I'm gonna miss you so much. Phoebe Buffay: I know. Rachel Green: You know what? Uhm, I have some goodbye stuff that I wanted to say to each of you and I was gonna save it until the end of the night, but come here . Ross Geller: Hey, what do you think they're doing in there? Joey Tribbiani: Huh, if I had to guess I'd say Rachel is putting on the bubble wrap and Phoebe is doing the punching. Rachel Green: Oh, Pheebs, I don't even know where to start. Phoebe Buffay: Ok well, before you do, I know we weren't supposed to get you going away presents, but I do have something for you. Rachel Green: Oh, oh. . What is this? Phoebe Buffay: It's a cotton swab with a bit of my saliva on it, so that if they perfect the cloning process while you are over there, you can use the DNA to create your own Pheebs! Rachel Green: I'm gonna throw this away, but thank you so much for the gesture! Monica Geller: Chandler? I was just in our bedroom and I found these on my pillow. Chandler Bing: Oh, yes. I decided to leave these out for you in case Richard stops by and you wanna engage on a little light bondage and moustache play! Monica Geller: What are you talking about? These aren't mine. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, right! Good luck getting another scarf dance from me! Monica Geller: That would be a terrible punishment. But, I'm serious, I've never seen these before. Chandler Bing: Really? Then what are they doing in our guestroom? Monica Geller: Rachel used to live in that room. Chandler Bing: Rachel... with handcuffs! Interesting! Monica Geller: Joey's bare ass! Chandler Bing: . Well played. Rachel Green: I love you Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: I love you too. Please don't... Don't turn into... you know... French bitch! Rachel Green: All right. Well, if I gonna do this, I'd better keep going. Phoebe Buffay: Ok. Rachel Green: Ok. Monica? Monica Geller: Yeah? Rachel Green: Can you come here with me for a minute? Monica Geller: Sure. Phoebe Buffay: Are you wearing waterproof mascara? Monica Geller: No. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you're so screwed. Ross Geller: Hey. What was that all about? Phoebe Buffay: She's gonna say goodbye to each of us individually. Ross Geller: Are you kidding? Oh my God... Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I know, it's gonna be even worse for you... God... Ross, get ready to do some serious crying. Ross Geller: Oh, man, I'm not going to be able to handle this. Now I know how my students feel at the end of each year. And why they act out by giving me such bad evaluations. Rachel Green: Mon... Okay... I've gotta... just say what it is I'm gonna say... None of the amazing things that have happened to me in the last ten years, would have happened if it wasn't for you. No-one has been more like a sister to me... Monica Geller: I know what you mean. You're like a sister to me too. Rachel Green: I wouldn't know what I'm gonna do without you... Monica Geller: You're the best friend I ever had. Rachel Green: Monica Geller: What? Rachel Green: I... I... I... Monica Geller: That is so sweet. Ross Geller: Oh no, she took down Monica... And I'm the crier in the family. Oh God! I could be next. Maybe she won't talk with me if it looks like we're deep in converstation. Oh, so that thing you said about the thing. It really made me think about that other thing. Chandler Bing: Uh, Rach? Ross Geller: Well it's okay. Chandler is talking to her. Joey Tribbiani: I really made you think about that thing uh? Chandler Bing: Uh, Rach... I think I have something that belongs to you. Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sure gonna miss pretending to laugh at your weird jokes that I don't get. Chandler Bing: No, no, no... They're really yours. We... found them in your old room. Rachel Green: Well, these aren't mine. Maybe Monica used to use them with... Chandler Bing: Don't say Richard! Well, if they're not Monica's and they're not yours, then whose are they? Rachel Green: Well, I think you're forgetting the kinkiest former resident of that room. Chandler Bing: Pheebs! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Chandler Bing: I think these are yours. Phoebe Buffay: These are not mine... Look how flimsy they are, come on! Good God! You try to hang a guy from a waterpipe with these, they'll snap like a piece of licorice. Rachel Green: Can I talk to you alone for a minute? Chandler Bing: Sure. You don't really handcuff guys to waterpipes do you? Phoebe Buffay: Where do you think Mike really is? Rachel Green: Oh honey... Chandler Bing: Let me just say something... Because once we get into this, I'm gonna get all uncomfortable and probably make some stupid joke... I just want to say that I... I love you... And, I'm gonna miss you. And I'm so sad that you're leaving. Rachel Green: Oh, you know what? Let's not say anything else. I love you. Chandler Bing: Ooh, not so tight... I'm sorry, just give me one more chance. Rachel Green: Okay. Oh... Rachel Green: Oh! Chandler Bing: I'm sor... Just go. Just go. I can't, I can't. Monica Geller: So, I guess you're next. You're ready? Ross Geller: I don't think so. Chandler Bing: Oh, you're definately not. I haven't cried like that in years. Monica Geller: You cried yesterday at the six o'clock news. Chandler Bing: That old woman was being scammed by her mechanic. Ross Geller: God! I can't believe she saved me for last. Why are they taking so long? Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. But, God, Joey seems to be handling it suprisingly well. Everyone: No, no, no, no! Ross Geller: Okay, here we go... Rachel Green: Oh... Well... Ross Geller: Yeah... Rachel Green: I think I'm gonna take off. Ross Geller: Huh? Rachel Green: Oh, you guys. This was an amazing night. Thank you so much. I love you. Good night. Ross Geller: What? I don't get a goodbye? Joey Tribbiani: Lucky bastard! Ross Geller: Unbelievable. She says goodbye to everyone but me. Monica Geller: Well, maybe she thought that with all of your history it could be, you know, implicit. Ross Geller: Well, it needs to be plicit. Joey Tribbiani: All right, let's think about this. I mean, there's got to be an explanation. Uh... did you do anything to make her mad? Ross Geller: No, I don't think so. Phoebe Buffay: You know, maybe she was just really spent from our talk. It was pretty intense. Monica Geller: Yeah. Mine too. Chandler Bing: Mine was a humdinger. Ross Geller: O-kay... I mean, don't I deserve anything? I mean, a few tears, a cursory hug? NOT FROM YOU! Phoebe Buffay: Ross, if you're this upset, you should go and talk to her. Monica Geller: And say what? "You owe me a goodbye", I mean, he's got more pride than that. Ross Geller: THE HELL I DO! Ross Geller: I don't get a goodbye? Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: Everyone gets a goodbye but me? What have I got to do to get a goodbye, huh? Be best friends with you? Uh, go out with you? Have a baby with you? Oh wait a minute, wait a minute, I did all those things. Rachel Green: Ross... Ross Geller: Oh no, maybe it's me, I'm just not giving you enough credit. Uh, I mean it is difficult to say goodbye to five people. Uh, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, good... IT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. You know what? After all we've been through, I can't believe this is how you want to leave things between us. Have a, have a good time in Paris. Monica Geller: I hope Ross isn't too upset. Joey Tribbiani: I'm sure he's not more bummed out than I am. Phoebe Buffay: Tell me about it. Chandler Bing: Well, you can't say we don't know how to throw a party. Phoebe Buffay: All right, I think I'm gonna head out. Monica Geller: Uh, where do you think you're going? Phoebe Buffay: I thought I was going home to go to bed, but I'm sensing there's something less fun for me to do here. Monica Geller: We're moving in a couple of days and we've got a lot of packing to do. It would be great if you guys could pitch in. Chandler Bing: Joey and I can finish up in the guest room. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah, yeah, good idea. Monica Geller: Oh no! You and Phoebe are gonna help me in here. Chandler Bing: You couldn't be cool. Monica Geller: Okay, we're gonna start in the kitchen. Plates get put into plate protectors and stacked ten to a box. The silverware gets bundled in rubber bands and then bubble wrapped. Got it? Monica Geller: Good! Now I need you to be careful and efficient. And remember, if I am harsh with you, it is only because you are doing it wrong. Chandler Bing: Hey Mon, I think I figured out whose handcuffs they are. Monica Geller: You did? How? Chandler Bing: Well, I was cleaning out the closet and I found some pictures of them... being used. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Let me see. Joey Tribbiani: Who's that dirty old lady? Chandler Bing: Monica's grandmother. Monica Geller: Nana liked it rough! Erica: Hi! Everyone: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Come on here, have a seat. Phoebe Buffay: How was your night? Erica: Oh, it was okay. I went to a movie with my cousin and then out for dinner. We went to this place that had... Ooh... Hoo... ooh... Anyway, they had these really amazing cheeseburgers. Monica Geller: Erica, are you okay? Erica: Yeah, you know, maybe I ate too much. I keep getting these stomach aches. They come and go like every few minutes. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Chandler Bing: Relax! We just get her some antacids. Monica Geller: She doesn't have a stomach ache, she's in labor. Chandler Bing: Oh my God! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, you got to get to the hospital. Monica Geller: All right, Chandler get the coats. Erica let's go. Phoebe and Joey, keep packing! Oh my God we're gonna have a baby. All right. We're gonna have a baby! OH MY GOD, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BABY! Oh God, oh God, I got to sit down, I got to sit down. Ooh! Chandler Bing: Honey, it's gonna be okay. Erica: You can do this. Just breathe. Monica Geller: Okay, okay... Okay, I feel a little better. Erica: Ooh! Are you sure? Monica Geller: Oh... Yes, I'm sure. Oh honey, let's go. Okay bye everyone. Joey Tribbiani: Chandler, wait, wait, wait... Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: If you get a second, find out where she got that cheeseburger. Rachel Green: You really think I didn't say goodbye to you because I don't care? Ross Geller: That's what it seemed like. Rachel Green: I cannot believe that after ten years, you do not know ONE thing about me. Ross Geller: Fine, then why didn't you say something? Rachel Green: Because it is too damn hard Ross. I can't even begin to explain to you how much I'm gonna miss you. When I think about not seeing you every day, it makes me not want to go... Okay, so if you think that I didn't say goodbye to you because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else, you're wrong. It's because you mean more to me. So there, all right, there's your goodbye... Oh! Ross Geller: Rach! Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: You keep, you keep... You can't... Rachel Green: WHAT? Joey Tribbiani: A little more. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: A little more, a little more. A little more... All right. Okay, all right, let's do this. Phoebe Buffay: All right, ready? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. All right, now give me your best shot. Phoebe Buffay: All right, here it goes... Joey Tribbiani: Doesn't work...
Jennifer Aniston: Previously on Friends. Monica Geller: Erica, are you okay? Erica: Yeah, you know, maybe I ate too much. I keep getting these stomach-aches. They come and go like every few minutes. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Chandler Bing: Relax! We'll just get her some antacids. Monica Geller: She doesn't have a stomach-ache. She's in labor! Chandler Bing: Oh my God! Rachel Green: So if you think I didn't say goodbye to you because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else, you're wrong. It's because you mean more to me. Ross Geller: Rach! Rachel Green: What?! Ross Geller: Hey. Rachel Green: Shh.. Go back to sleep. I have to go home. Ross Geller: Oh. This was amazing. Rachel Green: It really was. You've learned some new moves! Ross Geller: Yeah, well, this guy at work gave me "Sex for Dummies" as a joke. Rachel Green: Ah. Ross Geller: Who's laughing now? Rachel Green: I know! Monica Geller: Breathe, breathe, breathe... Good. Chandler Bing: Next time, can I say breathe? Monica Geller: No, last time you said it like Dracula, and it scared her! Can I get you anything? You want some more ice chips? Erica: No, I'm okay. Monica Geller: Alright, I'll be right back. Chandler Bing: Where are you going? Monica Geller: To use the bathroom. Chandler Bing: You can't leave me alone with her. Monica Geller: What? Chandler Bing: This is exactly the kind of social situation that I am not comfortable with! Monica Geller: What kind of social situation are you comfortable with? Chandler Bing: It's just that we've never spent any time, you know, alone together. Monica Geller: You'll be fine. Nah, you won't, but I'll be back in two minutes. Chandler Bing: Okay. Chandler Bing: So, ah... Any plans for the summer? Erica: I don't know. Maybe church-camp? Chandler Bing: Hah. May not wanna mention this. So, you ever wonder which is worse, you know; going through labor or getting kicked in the nuts? Erica: What? Chandler Bing: Well, it's just interesting. You know, because no one will ever know, because no one can experience both. Chandler Bing: One of life's great, unanswerable questions. I mean, who knows? Maybe there's something even more painful than those things? Like this. Phoebe Buffay: Morning. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: What's that? Joey Tribbiani: It's my house-warming present for Monica and Chandler. Phoebe Buffay: It's a baby chick and duck! Joey Tribbiani: Uh-huh. And I named them Chick Jr. and Duck Jr. Phoebe Buffay: I did not see that coming. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I figure they'll love it at the new house, you know? It has that big backyard. And then, when they get old, they can go to that special farm that Chandler took the other chick and duck to. Phoebe Buffay: Yes. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. It's a shame people can't visit there. Phoebe Buffay: That is the rule, though. Phoebe Buffay: Guess what? You're almost an uncle! Ross Geller: What? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, Erica went into labor last night. Monica and Chandler are at the hospital right now! Ross Geller: Oh my God! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, and I have a definite feeling it's gonna be a girl. Ross Geller: Phoebe, you were sure Ben was gonna be a girl. Phoebe Buffay: Have you seen him throw a ball? Ross Geller: Is Rachel here? Joey Tribbiani: Uh, I think she's still asleep. Hey, hey, how did it go with you guys last night? She seemed pretty pissed at you. Ross Geller: Uh, we, y'know, we worked things out. Phoebe Buffay: What's that smile? Did something happen with you two? Ross Geller: Hey, I'm not one to kiss and tell, but I'm also not one to have sex and shut up. We totally did it! Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God. You and Rachel? Ross Geller: I know, it's pretty great. Joey Tribbiani: So what does that mean? Are you guys getting back together? Ross Geller: Oh, I.. I don't know. We didn't really get to talk. Phoebe Buffay: But do you wanna get back together? Ross Geller: I don't know. It was incredible. I mean, it just felt so right. When I was holding her, I mean, I never wanted to let her go. You know what? Yeah, I do. I wanna be together. Phoebe Buffay: YAY! Ross Geller: Shhh! Phoebe Buffay: Yay! Joey Tribbiani: So, so is she still going to Paris? Ross Geller: Wow, I hadn't thought of that. I hope not. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, this is like the best day ever. Ever! You guys might get back together, Monica and Chandler are getting their baby, there are chicks and ducks in the world again! Oh, I feel like I'm in a musical! "Daa - raa... When the sun comes up, bright and beaming! And the moon comes..." Rachel Green: Morning! Phoebe Buffay: Guess we'll never know how it ends. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Ross Geller: Hey. Rachel Green: Hey. Ross Geller: Hey. How did you sleep? Rachel Green: Good. You? Ross Geller: Good. Joey Tribbiani: I bet you did! Ross Geller: Uh. Would you guys mind giving us a minute? Joey Tribbiani: Sure, yeah. Will you just keep an eye on the chick and the duck? Rachel Green: Chick and the duck? Didn't they die... Phoebe Buffay: Dive. Yeah, they dove head-first into fun on the farm. Ross Geller: So... Ross Geller: Morning. Rachel Green: You too. Last night was just wonderful. Ross Geller: It really was. Rachel Green: I woke up today with the biggest smile on my face. Ross Geller: I know, me too. It was... You know, it was like one of those things you think is never gonna happen, and then it does, and it's everything you want it to be. Rachel Green: Uh-huh. I know. It was just, it was just the perfect way to say goodbye. Monica Geller: It's just a little bit more, honey. Erica: Help me! This hurts! Chandler Bing: Is it really that bad? Erica: Uh-huh! I think it's time to kick you in the nuts and see which is worse! Doctor: The baby's head is crowning. Monica Geller: Oh! Oh my God! That is the most beautiful top of a head I have ever seen! Chandler, you have to see this! Chandler Bing: I'm okay. Monica Geller: Chandler, you don't wanna miss this. This is the birth of your child! It's the miracle of life! Chandler Bing: Alright. Wow, that is one disgusting miracle. Doctor: Start pushing. Here we go. Here come the shoulders... Monica Geller: It's a... It's a boy! Chandler Bing: Wow! Erica: Is he okay? Doctor: He's just fine. Monica Geller: Oh, you did it! Chandler Bing: It's a baby! A beautiful little baby! And some other stuff I'm gonna pretend I don't see. Doctor: Would you like to cut the umbilical cord? Chandler Bing: Well, that's spongy. Monica Geller: Oh, hey handsome! Oh, I'm gonna love you so much that no woman is ever gonna be good enough for you! Oh, we are so lucky! Chandler Bing: I know. He has your eyes. Chandler Bing: I mean, I know that's not possible, but he does. Nurse: We'll just get him cleaned up a bit. Chandler Bing: Okay. Monica Geller: Oh my God, he's beautiful. Thank you so much. Erica: I'm really happy for you guys. Chandler Bing: How do you feel? Erica: I'm tired! Doctor: Well, you don't have that much time to relax. The other one will be along in a minute. Monica Geller: I... I'm sorry, who should be along in a what now? Doctor: The next baby should be along in a minute. Monica Geller: We only ordered one! Doctor: You know it's twins, right? Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know! Doctor: I can't believe you didn't know it's twins! This has never happened before. Chandler Bing: Well, gosh. That makes me feel so special and good. Monica Geller: Wait, did you know it was twins? Doctor: Yeah, it's here in the paperwork we got from the clinic in Ohio. Monica Geller: Anybody tell you? Erica: I don't think so. Although, they did mention something about two heartbeats. But I thought that was just mine and the baby's. They kept saying both heartbeats are really strong, and I thought well, that's good 'cause I'm having a baby. Monica Geller: This is unbelievable. Erica: Twins actually run in my family. Chandler Bing: Interesting! Can I see you for a second? Chandler Bing: What do we do? Monica Geller: What do you mean "what do we do"? Chandler Bing: Twins! Twins!! Monica Geller: Chandler, you're panicking! Chandler Bing: Uh-huh! Join me, won't you?! Okay, what do you say we keep one, and then just like have an option on the other one? Monica Geller: We can't split them up! Chandler Bing: Why not? We could give each of them half a medallion, and then years later, they'll find each other and be reunited. I mean, that's a great day for everybody. Monica Geller: Okay, what if the person who adopts the other one is horrible? Chandler Bing: What if they're not? What if it's adopted by a king? Monica Geller: Yeah, because I hear the king is looking to adopt. Chandler Bing: Monica, we are not ready to have two babies! Monica Geller: That doesn't matter! We have waited so long for this. I don't care if it's two babies. I don't care if it's three babies! I don't care if the entire cast of "Eight is Enough" comes out of there! We are taking them home, because they are our children! Chandler Bing: Okay. Shhh... Chandler Bing: Okay. Monica Geller: Okay! Chandler Bing: Okay! Doctor: It looks like we're about ready over here. Doctor: Come on, Erica, start pushing again now. Erica: Ow! Doctor: Here she comes! Chandler Bing: She? It's a girl? Doctor: Yeah. Chandler Bing: Well, now we have one of each! And that's enough! Ross Geller: And then she said it was the perfect way to say goodbye. Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God! What did you say? Ross Geller: Nothing! What do you say to that? Phoebe Buffay: Ross, you've got to tell her how you feel! Ross Geller: No way! Joey Tribbiani: You can't just give up! Is that what a dinosaur would do? Ross Geller: What? Joey Tribbiani: Dude, I'm just trying to speak your language. Phoebe Buffay: Ross, Rachel doesn't know that you wanna get back together. If she did, she might feel differently. She might not even go. Ross Geller: You really think so? Phoebe Buffay: I'm telling you! Oh, okay! This is the part of the musical where there'd be a really good convincing song. "Bam-bam, don't take no for an answer. Bam-bam, don't let love fly away. Bam-bam-bam-bam..." Rachel Green: Hi! Phoebe Buffay: Can't a girl finish a song around here? Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Rachel Green: Hi! So I just dropped Emma off at my mom's. Ross Geller: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you're not taking her with you tonight? Rachel Green: No, we decided that I would go ahead and set up first, and then my mom would bring Emma to Paris on Sunday. Phoebe Buffay: Wow, eight hour flight with a one-year old? Good luck, mom. Rachel Green: Are you kidding? Eight hours with my mother talking about Atkins? Good luck, Emma! Ross Geller: Alright, you know what? You're right. I should at least tell her how I feel. Joey Tribbiani: Ross, wait! Ross Geller: What? What? Joey Tribbiani: Could you get me a muffin? Gunther: Rachel? Rachel Green: Yeah? Gunther: I... I know you're leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you. Gunther: I... I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know. Rachel Green: Gunther... Oh... I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I'm in a cafe, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. Aw. Rachel Green: Oh... Bye guys. Ross Geller: Oh my God! Phoebe Buffay: Unbelievable! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you know what might help? Ross Geller: I'm not getting you a muffin! Monica Geller: Do you think they recognize each other from in there? Chandler Bing: Maybe. Unless they're like two people who have lived in apartments next to each other for years, and then one day they're pushed through a vagina and they meet. Nurse: We're going to take Erica to recovery now. Monica Geller: There's something that we wanna tell you. We decided to name the girl-baby Erica. Erica: Oh my God, that's just like my name! Monica Geller: Son of a gun, it is! Erica: Anyway, I'm gonna go and get some rest. I'm really glad I picked you guys. You're gonna make great parents. Even Chandler. Monica Geller: Okay, well, bye! Erica: Bye! Chandler Bing: Bye! Monica Geller: We'll call you! Erica: Okay. Chandler Bing: Have fun at church-camp! Monica Geller: Oh, look at these little bunnies! Chandler Bing: I know! You ready to trade? Monica Geller: Okay. Chandler Bing: Okay. Monica Geller: Alright, let's see.. Chandler Bing: We could trade later. Monica Geller: Yeah, I'm good. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, what are you working on? Joey Tribbiani: It's a... It's a "welcome home" sign for the baby. Phoebe Buffay: How sweet! Oh, is that the baby? Joey Tribbiani: No, I sat in the paint. Ross Geller: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. So, did you talk to Rachel? Ross Geller: No, and I'm not going to. Phoebe Buffay: What? Joey Tribbiani: Why not? Ross Geller: Because she's just going to shoot me down. You guys saw what happened with Gunther. That did not look like fun. Phoebe Buffay: How can you compare yourself to Gunther? I mean, sure, he's sexy in a more obvious way. You have a relationship with her, you slept together last night. Ross Geller: Yeah, and she still wants to go! It's pretty clear where she is. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I know what you mean. I mean, sometimes... Phoebe Buffay: Uh, Joe? Joey Tribbiani: Damn it! Ross Geller: Look, even if I were gonna tell her, I don't have to do it now. Okay? I'll be seeing her again. We've got time. Phoebe Buffay: No, you don't! She's going to Paris! She is going to meet somebody. Do you know how many hot guys there are in Paris? It's... It's a city of Gunthers! Mike Hannigan: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! What do you have there? Mike Hannigan: Oh, I made a little something. If I had more time to work on it, it'd be better, but.. Ross Geller: Oh my God! You did that yourself? Phoebe Buffay: Honey, that's gorgeous! Joey Tribbiani: You know, the baby can't read, Mike! Rachel Green: Hi! You guys, the car-service just got here. I can't believe they're not home yet! I have to catch my stupid plane. I wanna see the baby! Joey Tribbiani: Monica just called from the cab. She said they should be here any minute. And apparently, there's some big surprise. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, did she sound happy about it? 'Cause my friend Ethel's baby was born with a teeny, tiny beard. Rachel Green: Oh my God! Ross Geller: Oh my God! Rachel Green: Hi! Oh my gosh! Chandler Bing: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, so what is the big surprise? Rachel Green: Oh. Ross Geller: Oh my God! Rachel Green: What... What... Ross Geller: Okay, okay, awkward question. The hospital knows you took two, right? Monica Geller: Yes, it's twins! Ross Geller: Oh my God. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, they're so cute! Now, what, what kinds are they? Monica Geller: This is a boy, and that's a girl. Chandler Bing: Her name is Erica. Rachel Green: Aw.. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, that pregnant girl's name was Erica. Chandler Bing: Yeah. It's a shame you two didn't get to spend more time together. Monica Geller: Yeah, we named the boy Jack after dad. Ross Geller: Aw, he's gonna be so happy. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, Jack Bing. I love that. Ooh, it sounds like a '40s newspaper guy, you know? "Jack Bing, Morning Gazette. I'm gonna blow this story wide open!" Rachel Green: Oh my gosh. Wow, so beautiful. Mike Hannigan: I want one. Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah? Well, tell me which one, and I'll try slip it in my coat. Mike Hannigan: Seriously. Wanna make one of those? Phoebe Buffay: One? How about a whole bunch? Mike Hannigan: Really? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Ooh, we could teach them to sing, and we can be like the Von Trapp family! Only without the Nazis. Although that sounds kinda dull. Rachel Green: Oh, you guys, I can't believe this. But I'll leave now, or I'm gonna miss my plane. Monica Geller: I'm just so glad you got to see the babies. Rachel Green: Me too. Oh, I'm just sorry I'm not gonna be around to watch you two attempt to handle this! Alright, I can't say goodbye to you guys again. I love you all so much. Monica Geller: I love you. Chandler Bing: I love you. Monica Geller: Call us when you get there. Rachel Green: I will. Ross, come here. Rachel Green: I just want you to know.. Last night.. I'll never forget it. Ross Geller: Neither will I. Rachel Green: Alright, now I really have to go. Okay. Au revoir! Oh, they're gonna really hate me over there. Phoebe Buffay: So, you just let her go? Ross Geller: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, maybe that's for the best. Ross Geller: Yeah? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. You know? You just... Look, you gotta... You gotta think about last night the way she does, okay? Maybe, maybe sleeping together was the perfect way to say goodbye? Phoebe Buffay: But now she'll never know how he feels! Joey Tribbiani: Maybe that's okay. You know? Maybe, maybe it is better this way? I mean, now, now you can move on. I mean, you've been trying to for so long, maybe now that you're on different continents.. Right? Joey Tribbiani: Maybe now you can actually do it. You know? You can finally get over her. Ross Geller: Yeah, that's true. Except I don't wanna get over her. Joey Tribbiani: What? Ross Geller: I don't! I wanna be with her. Joey Tribbiani: Really? Ross Geller: Yeah, I'm gonna go after her. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you are! Phoebe Buffay: Woo! Phoebe Buffay: Wait, wait! Get your coat! Get your coat! Ross Geller: My coat... Joey Tribbiani: This is so cool! Chandler Bing: I have no idea what's going on, but I am excited! Joey Tribbiani: But Ross, Ross. What do you, what do you think she's going to say? Ross Geller: I don't know, but I.. Look, even if she shoots me down, at least I won't spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened. Where - where is my coat?! Phoebe Buffay: You didn't bring one! My cab's downstairs, I'll drive you to the airport. Ross Geller: Okay, guys, wish me luck. Phoebe Buffay: Hurry! Joey Tribbiani: Good luck, good luck! Ross Geller: There's no seatbelt! Phoebe Buffay: That's okay. If - if we hit anything, the engine will explode, so you know, it's better if you're thrown from the car. Ross Geller: Alright, alright, let's do this! Phoebe Buffay: Okay! Ross Geller: Hey! Man: 18th and East End. Phoebe Buffay: I - I don't take passengers. Man: Hey! The law says you have to accept any fare. Ross Geller: No, you don't understand. This isn't a real cab. Man: Alright, I gotta report you. What's your medallion number? Phoebe Buffay: My medallion number is, "Get out of the cab!" Man: What? Ross Geller: Get out of the cab! Phoebe Buffay: Get out of the cab! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey, hey, can I give you guys your house-warming present now? Monica Geller: Now, that you can do. Joey Tribbiani: Alright! Joey Tribbiani: Ah... Chick Jr.? Duck Jr.? Don't hide from mama! Phoebe Buffay: You can open your eyes now. Ross Geller: Are we off the bridge? Phoebe Buffay: Yes. Ross Geller: Is the old woman on the bicycle still alive? Phoebe Buffay: Yes, she jumped right back up. Ross Geller: Oh my God, Phoebe, slow down! Phoebe Buffay: Do you wanna get to Rachel in time? Ross Geller: Yes, but I don't wanna die in your cab! Phoebe Buffay: You should have thought of that before you got in! Phoebe Buffay: Toll-booth. Ross Geller: What? Phoebe Buffay: Toll-booth! Four bucks. There are quarters in the glove compartment. Phoebe Buffay: Hurry! Ross Geller: Okay! Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: Damn, that window is clean. Joey Tribbiani: Quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, tweet, quack... Chandler Bing: We were wondering what was taking so long with the gift, but now we understand you were doing this. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, I wanted to surprise you, but for your house-warming gift, I got you a baby-chick and a baby-duck! Chandler Bing: Really? You got us a chick and a duck? Monica Geller: Oh, great! Just what you want for a new house with infants. Bird feces. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah, they must have jumped off the table, 'cause now they're gone! Chandler Bing: Oh, don't worry, we'll find them. Monica Geller: Actually, I'm gonna go check on the twins. Chandler Bing: Alright. Monica Geller: Oh God! What did I just step on? Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Chandler Bing: It's okay, it's just an egg roll. Monica Geller: Oh.. Joey Tribbiani: You stepped on my egg roll? Monica Geller: I'm sorry, I didn't know to look for Chinese food on the floor. Joey Tribbiani: Just put it on a plate and leave. Chandler Bing: Okay, let's find these birds. Joey Tribbiani: Alright. Joey Tribbiani: Wait, wait. Do you hear that? Joey Tribbiani: Oh! They're in the table! Chandler Bing: Well, that can't be good! Joey Tribbiani: We gotta get them out of there! Chandler Bing: How? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, oh! Maybe we can lure them out. You know any birdcalls? Chandler Bing: Oh, tons, I'm quite the woodsman. Joey Tribbiani: Well, maybe we can just tip the table a little. Chandler Bing: Joey, wait! The ball! Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Joey Tribbiani: Oh God! So what do we do? Chandler Bing: I don't know. Maybe we can open this up somehow. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Chandler Bing: No... It's all glued together. Joey Tribbiani: Does that mean we have to bust it open? Chandler Bing: I don't know. Maybe. Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God! Chandler Bing: I know! It's.. It's the foosball table. Joey Tribbiani: All right, you know what? We don't have a choice. It's like I would have said in that sci-fi movie if I'd gotten the part. "Those are our men in there, we have to get them out! Even if I have to sacrifice the most important thing in my life; my time-machine." Chandler Bing: Did that movie ever get made? Joey Tribbiani: It did not. Phoebe Buffay: Ross, where are you going? Ross Geller: To talk to Rachel, isn't that why we took a ride in the death-cab? Phoebe Buffay: What? What are you just gonna walk up to her at the gate? Have you never chased anyone through the airport before? Ross Geller: Not since my cop-show got cancelled. Phoebe Buffay: You have to get a ticket to get past security. Ross Geller: What? We're never gonna make it! Phoebe Buffay: Not with that attitude! Now, haul ass! Ross Geller: Okay, if you could all walk slower, that'd be great.
Gate Attendant #1: Madame, your passport please? Rachel Green: Oh my God! I was so afraid I wasn't gonna remember any of my high-school French, but I understood every word you just said! Gate Attendant #1: Your boarding pass, please. Rachel Green: Oh. Rachel Green: Oh, shoot. I had it. Oh, I can't believe this. Gate Attendant #1: Madame, if you don't have your boarding pass... Rachel Green: I have it, I have it, I have it. Oh, okay, I can't find it, but I remember that I was in seat 32C, because that's my bra-size. Gate Attendant #1: Madame, you must have your boarding pass.. Rachel Green: Okay, fine! But you know what? If I was in 36D, we would not be having this problem. Ross Geller: Hey, I need a ticket. Phoebe Buffay: Just one? I drive you all the way down here, and I don't get to see how it works out? Ross Geller: Fine, two tickets, I need two tickets. Phoebe Buffay: We're on our honeymoon. Ticket Agent: And the destination? Ross Geller: I don't care. Whatever is the cheapest. Phoebe Buffay: I'm so lucky I married you. Rachel Green: Oh! Shoot! Damn it! Where is it? Oh! Oh! I found it! I found it! Rachel Green: Hah! I found it! I told you I would find it! In your face! You're a different person. Ross Geller: Okay, flight 421 to Paris. I don't see it, do you see it? Phoebe Buffay: No, did we miss it? Ross Geller: No, no, no. That's impossible. It doesn't leave for another 20 minutes. Phoebe Buffay: Maybe we have the flight-number wrong. God. Monica Geller: Hello. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, it's me. Here's Ross. Ross Geller: What? Hey, hey, listen.. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Ross, you wouldn't believe the cute little noises the twins are making. Listen. Ross Geller: Monica? Monica, Monica, Monica, Monica..? Monica Geller: Oh, I'm sorry. Shoot, they were doing it before. Ross Geller: That's alright. Listen, listen. Monica Geller: Oh, wait, wait, wait! Here they go again. Ross Geller: Monica? Monica, Monica, Monica, Monica..? Monica Geller: Isn't that cute? Ross Geller: That is precious! Listen! I need Rachel's flight information. Monica Geller: Oh, okay. Alright, it's flight 421. Leaves at 8:40. Ross Geller: Yes, that's what I have. It's not on the board. Monica Geller: That's what it says here. Flight 421, leaves at 8:40, Newark airport. Ross Geller: What? Monica Geller: Newark airport. Why, where are you? Ross Geller: JFK. Joey Tribbiani: Don't worry, you guys, we're gonna get you out of there. Chandler Bing: And we're also gonna buy you tiny, bird hearing-aids. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Here goes. Chandler Bing: What's the matter? Joey Tribbiani: I need to say goodbye to the table first. Chandler Bing: I understand. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Table, you have given us so many great times. And you guys, Jordan, Victor, Joel... All of you guys. What can I say? You guys make us look good. You wanna say anything? Chandler Bing: I don't know. Except that, for one last time... Good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, here we go. I can't do it. Chandler Bing: Well, I can't do it either. Monica Geller: Hey! Did you find them? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, they're stuck inside the table! Chandler Bing: We have to bust it open, but neither of us can do it! Monica Geller: Oh, well sure. This gotta be so hard. I'll do it. Gimme! Ross Geller: Phoebe! Wow! No, no, no! Phoebe Buffay: Well, I've never gone this fast before. Ross Geller: Phoebe, forget it, okay? Newark is - is like an hour away. There's no way we're gonna make it in time. Phoebe Buffay: She's got her cell, you could call her. Ross Geller: I am not doing this over the phone. Phoebe Buffay: You don't have any other choice! Rachel Green: Hello? Phoebe Buffay: Rachel? Oh, good. Hey, by the way, did you just get on the plane? Rachel Green: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: For what it's worth, we would have caught her if we were at the right airport. Ross Geller: Yay. Phoebe Buffay: Uh, Rach, hang on. Rachel Green: Phoebe? Is everything okay? Phoebe Buffay: Uhm, actually no. No, you've... You have to get off the plane. Rachel Green: What? Why? Phoebe Buffay: I have this feeling that something's wrong with it. Something is wrong with the left Philange. Rachel Green: Oh, honey, I'm sure there's nothing wrong with the plane. Rachel Green: Alright, look, I have to go. I love you, and I will call you the minute I get to Paris. Passenger #1: Uhm, what was that? Rachel Green: Oh, that was just my crazy friend. She told me I should get off the plane, because she had a feeling that there was something wrong with the left Philange. Passenger #1: Okay, that doesn't sound good. Rachel Green: I wouldn't worry about it. She's always coming up with stuff like this, and you know what? She's almost never right. Passenger #1: But she is sometimes. Rachel Green: Well... Rachel Green: Wait, what are you doing? Passenger #1: Well, I can't take this plane now. Air Stewardess: Excuse me, sir, where are you going? Passenger #1: I have to get off this plane, okay? Her friend has a feeling something's wrong with the left Philange. Rachel Green: Could I get some peanuts? Passenger #2: What's wrong with the plane? Air Stewardess: There's nothing wrong with the plane. Passenger #1: Yeah! The left Philange! Air Stewardess: There is no Philange! Passenger #1: Oh my God. This plane doesn't even have a Philange! Passenger #2: I'm not flying on it! Air Stewardess: Ma'am, please sit down! Passenger #3: What's going on? Passenger #1: We're all getting off. There is no Philange! Rachel Green: This is ridiculous! I... Rachel Green: Yeah, okay. Monica Geller: Alright. My job here is done. Chandler Bing: That was... Impressive. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you didn't even use the tools for most of it! Monica Geller: Yeah, they were just slowing me down. Alright, I have to get back to the babies. I'll see you girls later. Chandler Bing: Sorry about the table, man. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Chandler Bing: You gonna buy a new one? Joey Tribbiani: Probably not. Nah. I don't know how much I'm gonna wanna play after you go. Chandler Bing: Well, at least we got these little guys out. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Chandler Bing: Aww, we were worried about you! Hm. I guess I better get used to things crapping in my hand, huh? Joey Tribbiani: I'm gonna miss these little guys. It was nice having birds around again. Chandler Bing: Hey, you know what? Maybe we should keep them here with you. Joey Tribbiani: What? Chandler Bing: Yeah, I mean we've got a lot going on right now. And, plus, here they'd have their own room. Joey Tribbiani: I could get a goose! Chandler Bing: You know, I - I think you're set with the poultry. Joey Tribbiani: Thanks man. Did you hear that, you guys? You're gonna get to stay here! And, and it's good, you know, 'cause, 'cause now you have a reason to come visit. Chandler Bing: I think there may be another reason. So, awkward hug or lame cool guy handshake? Joey Tribbiani: Uh, lame cool guy handshake, yeah. Gate Attendant #2: Ma'am, I assure you, the plane is fine. Passenger #2: And you fixed the Philange? Gate Attendant #2: Yes, the Philange is fixed. As a matter of fact, we put a whole lot of extra Philanges onboard, just in case. Ross Geller: Where is she? Phoebe Buffay: I don't see her. Ross Geller: Rachel! Rachel Green! Phoebe Buffay: There she is! Ross Geller: Rachel! Rachel! Gate Attendant #2: Wow, excuse me, sir, do you have a boarding pass? Ross Geller: No, no, I just have to talk to someone. Gate Attendant #2: I'm sorry, you cannot go any further without a boarding pass. Ross Geller: No, no, no, but... Phoebe Buffay: RACHEL!! Rachel Green: Oh my God... What.. What are you guys doing here? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, you're on. Rachel Green: What? What? Ross, you're scaring me. What's going on? Ross Geller: Okay, the thing is.. Rachel Green: Yeah? Ross Geller: Don't go. Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: Please, please stay with me. I am so in love with you. Please, don't go. Rachel Green: Oh my God. Ross Geller: I know, I know. I shouldn't have waited 'till now to say it, but I'm.. That was stupid, okay? I'm sorry, but I'm telling you now. I love you. Do not get on this plane. Gate Attendant #2: Miss? Are you boarding the plane? Ross Geller: Hey, hey. I know you love me. I know you do. Gate Attendant #2: Miss? Rachel Green: I - I have to get on the plane. Ross Geller: No, you don't. Rachel Green: Yes, I do. Ross Geller: No, you don't. Rachel Green: They're waiting for me, Ross. I can't do this right now, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ross Geller: Rachel? Rachel Green: I'm so sorry. Ross Geller: I really thought she'd stay. Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry. Monica Geller: Well, that's it. Everything's packed. Chandler Bing: Wow, this is weird. Monica Geller: I know. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Uh, does this mean there's nothing to eat? Monica Geller: I put three lasagnas in your freezer. Joey Tribbiani: I love you! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: So did you guys make it in time? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, yeah, he talked to her, but she got on the plane anyway. Chandler Bing: Where's Ross? Phoebe Buffay: He went home. He didn't want to see anybody. Rachel Green: Ross, hi. It's me. I just got back on the plane. And I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It's just that I wasn't expecting to see you, and all of a sudden you're there and saying these things... And... And now I'm just sitting here and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn't. I mean, I didn't even get to tell you that I love you too. Because of course I do. I love you. I love you. I love you. What am I doing? I love you! Oh, I've gotta see you. I've gotta get off this plane. Ross Geller: Oh my God! Rachel Green: Excuse me? Air Stewardess: Miss? Please, sit down! Rachel Green: I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, but I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to tell someone that I love love them. Air Stewardess: Miss, I can't let you off the plane. Ross Geller: Let her off the plane! Air Stewardess: I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat. Rachel Green: Oh, please, miss, you don't understand! Ross Geller: Try to understand! Rachel Green: Oh, come on, miss, isn't there any way that you can just let me off... Ross Geller: No! No! Oh my God. Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane? Rachel Green: I got off the plane. Ross Geller: You got off the plane. Rachel Green: I do love you. Ross Geller: I love you too, and I'm never letting you go again. Rachel Green: Okay. 'Cause this is where I wanna be, okay? No more messing around. I don't wanna mess this up again. Ross Geller: Me neither, okay? We are - we're done being stupid. Rachel Green: Okay. You and me, alright? This is it. Ross Geller: This is it. Unless we're on a break. Ross Geller: Don't make jokes now. Monica Geller: Okay, please be careful with that. It was my grandmother's. Be careful. Monica Geller: If that falls off the truck, it wouldn't be the worst thing. Ross Geller: Wow. Rachel Green: I know. It seems smaller somehow. Joey Tribbiani: Has it always been purple? Chandler Bing: Look around, you guys. This was your first home. And it was a happy place, filled with love and laughter. But more important, because of rent control, it was a friggin' steal! Phoebe Buffay: Hey, do you realise that at one time or another we all lived in this apartment? Monica Geller: Oh, yeah, that's true. Ross Geller: Uh, I haven't. Monica Geller: Wait a minute. What about that summer during college that you lived with grandma, and you tried to make it as a dancer? Ross Geller: Do you realise we almost made it ten years without that coming up? Monica Geller: Oh, honey, I forgot. I promised Treeger that we'd leave our keys. Chandler Bing: Oh, okay. Phoebe Buffay: So, I guess this is it. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. I guess so. Monica Geller: This is harder than I thought it would be. Chandler Bing: Oh, it's gonna be okay. Rachel Green: Do you guys have to go to the new house right away, or do you have some time? Monica Geller: We got some time. Rachel Green: Okay, should we get some coffee? Chandler Bing: Sure. Where?
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like "forget about her" but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like, "Oh my god." So she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn't know was, that Ross was getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've you been? Rachel Green: Oh my god. Oh my god. Excuse me. Move! Move! Emergency! Excuse me! Ross Geller: Rach! Rachel Green: Oh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so, so, how was China, you? Ross Geller: It was, it was great. Oh, what happened? Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: You're bleeding. Rachel Green: I am? Oh, look at that, yes I am. Enough about me, enough about me, Mr. Back from the Orient. Come on. I wanna hear everything! Everything. Ross Geller: Well, where do I start? This is Julie. Julie, this is Rachel. Rachel Green: These are, these aren't for you. These are for you. Welcome to our country. Julie: Thank you. I'm from New York. Rachel Green: Ok, well, not a problem. We'll just use them to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage claim? Ok. Chandler Bing: No way! Monica Geller: I'm telling you, she went to the airport, and she's gonna go for it with Ross! Phoebe Buffay: Oh my god. This is huge. This is bigger than huge. This is like, all right, what's bigger than huge? Joey Tribbiani: Um, this? Phoebe Buffay: Yes. Monica Geller: Guys, you got your hair cut. Chandler Bing: Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay. Phoebe Buffay: 'Cause, you know, if you don't look good, we don't look good. I love that voice. Rachel Green: Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her. Cramp, cramp. Chandler Bing: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs. Rachel Green: You, you, you said he liked me. You, you slowpokes! Ross Geller: That's all right, Rach, we got the bags. Hi, hello. Julie, this is my sister Monica. This is Chandler. Phoebe. Joey, what up? Joey Tribbiani: What up?! Ross Geller: Everyone, this is Julie. Rachel Green: Julie. Everyone: Ohh. Hi! Julie: Hi, but I'm not here, you haven't met me. I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me. Ross Geller: And bus. Julie: Oh my god. Ross Geller: The screaming guy? Julie: And the spitting? Ross Geller: You gotta hear this story. Julie: We're on this bus, that's easily 200 years old... Ross Geller: 200 at least. Julie: ...and this guy... Rachel Green: And the chicken pooped in her lap. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? Oh! It's just, I just heard this story in the cab, and it is all I can think about. Monica Geller: This is amazing. I mean, how, how did this happen? Julie: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together. Ross Geller: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig. Rachel Green: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic? Monica Geller: It's an expression. Ross Geller: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we're gonna go see the baby. Julie: And then we've gotta get some sleep. Ross Geller: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time. Chandler Bing: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised. Rachel Green: Bye. Ross Geller: Hey, Rach, can I get some coffee? Rachel Green: Yeah, sure. Ross Geller: Thank you. Chandler Bing: Hey, Rach, can I get... Rachel Green: Did you talk to him? Chandler Bing: Not yet. Rachel Green: Then, no. Chandler Bing: So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know. Ross Geller: I know, I know I was, but there was always this little voice inside that kept saying it's never gonna happen, move on. You know whose voice that was? Chandler Bing: God? Ross Geller: It was you, pal. Chandler Bing: Well, maybe it was God, doing me. Ross Geller: Look, you were right. She looks at me and sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Julie, and I don't know, we're havin' a great time. And I have to say, I never would've gone for it with her if it hadn't been for you. Chandler Bing: Well, you owe me one, big guy. Rachel Green: Here's your lemonade. Ross Geller: I didn't order lemonade. Rachel Green: Oh. Well then, you better go take that back because they're gonna charge you for that. Ross Geller: But... Rachel Green: Go-go-go-go, come on! So uh, what did you find out? Chandler Bing: He said...he said, he said that they're having a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by himself! Without any outside help whatsoever. Rachel Green: How is that the silver lining? Chandler Bing: You have to really wanna see it. Ross Geller: Ironically, these are the guys who were picked last in gym. Monica Geller: Pheebes, you know what I'm thinking? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, ok. How, it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it? Monica Geller: No, although now that's what I'm thinking. Phoebe Buffay: All right, so what were you thinking? Monica Geller: Well, I was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you'd like to do mine? Phoebe Buffay: Ohh! No. Monica Geller: Why not? Phoebe Buffay: Because, I'm just, I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak. Monica Geller: No you're not. Phoebe Buffay: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare your feelings. Joey Tribbiani: Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. Ross, it's Julie, for you. Ross Geller: Hello? Hi. Chandler Bing: Hi. Anybody know a good tailor? Joey Tribbiani: Needs some clothes altered? Chandler Bing: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk. Joey Tribbiani: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, 'scuse me, 15. All right, when was 1990? Chandler Bing: Okay. You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance! Ross Geller: Ok, ok, sweetheart, I'll see you later. Ok, bye. What? Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three. Well you didn't hang up either. Rachel Green: She didn't hang up either! Ross Geller: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y... Rachel Green: Sorry, I thought you were talking to me. Ross Geller: Rachel! I'll just call her back. Rachel Green: Okay! Ross Geller: Hi? Sorry, we got disconnected... Rachel Green: Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this guy. Now he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guy that I can't have. Monica Geller: Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too. Rachel Green: I know you did. I'm just gonna deal with it, I'm just gonna deal with it. I gotta get out of here. Chandler Bing: Ok, I don't care what you guys say, something's bothering her. Joey Tribbiani: You know, I think I was sixteen. Monica Geller: Please, just a little bit off the back. Phoebe Buffay: I'm still on "no." Rachel Green: Uh, morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec? Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no-no-no, I'm not fallin' for that again. Phoebe Buffay: What's goin' on? Rachel Green: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night. Chandler Bing: What stupid thing did you do? Paulo: Bon giorno tutti! Phoebe Buffay: Ewww! Rachel Green: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just go get dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye. Monica Geller: Rachel, how did this happen? Rachel Green: I don't know, I just kinda ran into him last night. Phoebe Buffay: Where? Rachel Green: At his apartment. Is this juice? Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him because he hit on Phoebe? Rachel Green: Oh God, I know I'm a pathetic loser. Monica Geller: Honey, you're not pathetic, you're sad. Chandler Bing: People do stupid things when they're upset. Monica Geller: My god, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't..., but this is about your horrible mistake. Everyone: Hi! Ross Geller: Hi. Sorry we're late but we werewell, there was touching. Paulo: Hey, hey Ross. Ross Geller: Hey, Paulo. What are you doing here? Paulo: I do Raquel. Ross Geller: So, uh, he's back. Rachel Green: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem? Ross Geller: No, not a problem. Rachel Green: Good! I'm glad it's not a problem. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, you're gonna have to not touch my ass. Chandler Bing: Well, in spite of the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I've got pants that need to be altered. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey Tribbiani says hello. He'll know what it means. Chandler Bing: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code? Monica Geller: You know it's funny, the last time Paulo was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter. Phoebe Buffay: All right. Ok, but, but! You have to promise that you will not be all like control-y and bossy and Monica about it. Monica Geller: I promise. Phoebe Buffay: All right. Now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are gonna feel a thing. Phoebe Buffay: All right, that's it, I quit. Monica Geller: What? I didn't say anything. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but this isn't the face of a person who trusts a person. Ok, this is the face of a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person. Monica Geller: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe. It's just a little shorter than what we had discussed. Phoebe Buffay: Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it. Monica Geller: How who wears it? Phoebe Buffay: Demi Moore. Monica Geller: Demi Moore is not a he. Phoebe Buffay: Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten. Monica Geller: That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like Demi Moore. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Oh! Monica Geller: Oh my God! Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Monica Geller: Oh my God! Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Which one's Demi Moore? Monica Geller: She's the actress that was in Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, she's got gorgeous hair. Monica Geller: I know! Frank Buffay Jr.: How long do you want the cuffs? Chandler Bing: At least as long as I have the pants. Frank Buffay Jr.: I just got that. Ok, now we'll do your inseam. Rachel Green: How is she? Phoebe Buffay: It's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a good sign. Ross Geller: How's the hair? Phoebe Buffay: I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross, it doesn't look good. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling. Joey Tribbiani: Can we see her? Phoebe Buffay: Your hair looks too good, I think it would upset her. Ross, why don't you come on in. Ross Geller: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: How're you doing? Rachel Green: I'm okay. Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, that bad, huh? Rachel Green: What? Joey Tribbiani: Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts. Rachel Green: When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, 50 feet of crap, then me. Joey Tribbiani: You gotta tell Ross how you feel. Rachel Green: Come on. How can I just tell him? What about Julie? Joey Tribbiani: What about her? They've only been going out for two weeks. Ross has been in love with you for like 10 years. Rachel Green: I don't know, I don't know. Joey Tribbiani: Look, Rach, Rach! I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share of women. The point is, I've never felt about anyone the way Ross felt about you. Chandler Bing: Yo, paisan! Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man! Joey Tribbiani: Frankie? What're you talking about? Ross Geller: Hey, what's goin' on? Chandler Bing: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me. Ross Geller: What? Joey Tribbiani: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years. Chandler Bing: Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite... Ross Geller: What? Chandler Bing: Cupping. Joey Tribbiani: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants? Ross Geller: Yes, yes it is. In prison! Whatsa matter with you? Joey Tribbiani: What? That's not? Oh my God. Monica Geller: Even Mary Tyler Moore would've been better. Ross Geller: I like it. I do, I think it's a Ten. Monica Geller: Thank you. My hair is very amused. Chandler Bing: Come on, Monica, things could be worse. You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true. Phoebe Buffay: Thank you. Ross Geller: Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Rach. Rachel Green: Wait, are you leaving? Ross Geller: Yeah, that's kinda what I meant by "bye!" Rachel Green: Well, can I talk to you for a sec? Ross Geller: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test... Chandler Bing: That's ok. Ross Geller: What's goin' on? Rachel Green: Well, first of all, Paulo and I are not back together. It was just a stupid thing I did, and if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um, second of all , what? Ross Geller: Ok. Well, before I say anything, I just need to know, is this one of those things where you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what I think, and then the next day you get back together with the guy, and I look like a complete idiot? Rachel Green: No. No-no-no-no. Ross Geller: Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I mean I actuallyI-I physically hate him. I always have. You are way too good to be with a guy like that. Rachel Green: Really? Ross Geller: You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking "Oh my god, I'm with Rachel". You know, someone who makes you feel good, the way I am with Julie. Was there a second of all? Rachel Green: No, I think that was the whole all. Ross Geller: Okay. Okay. Okay. Joey Tribbiani: I swear to god, Dad. That's not how they measure pants. Julie: I was thinking of doing it a little shorter, you know, like Andie McDowell's new haircut? Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah! Oh, I can do that. Julie: Really? Phoebe Buffay: You wanna do it right now? Julie: Great! Phoebe Buffay: Ok, I just wanna be really sure this time. Andie McDowell's the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral, right? Rachel Green: No. No no no no no. That's Rodney McDowell. Andie McDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah. Ok, thank you. Rachel Green: You're welcome.
Monica Geller: Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. Oh my God, oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him? Susan Bunch: Oh, is he hungry already? Carol Willick: I guess so. Chandler Bing: You know, it's... something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back. Joey Tribbiani: I gotta get one, too. Ross Geller: What are you guys doing? Chandler Bing: We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle? Ross Geller: Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin' on it. Ross Geller: This is my son having lunch, ok? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on. Ross Geller: Carol? Chandler Bing: Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding? Carol Willick: Sure. Joey Tribbiani: Uh, does it hurt? Carol Willick: It did at first, but not anymore. Joey Tribbiani: Chandler? Chandler Bing: So, uh, how often can you do it? Carol Willick: As much as he needs. Joey Tribbiani: Ok, I got one, I got one. Uh, if he blows into one, does the other one get bigger? Julie: Rachel, do you have any muffins left? Rachel Green: Yeah, I forget which ones. Julie: Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'll get it. Anybody else want one? Everyone: No thanks. Julie: Oh, you're losin' your apron here, let me get it. There you go. Rachel Green: Thank you. What a bitch. Julie: Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend at Bloomingdale's who's quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone want to come with me and take advantage of it? Phoebe Buffay: I can't, I have to take my grandmother to the vet. Monica Geller: Ok, um, I'll go with you. Julie: Great. Ross Geller: Hi, honey. Chandler Bing: Hey, sweetums. Ross Geller: Hello to the rest. Everyone: Hi! Joey Tribbiani: Monica what're you doin'? You can't go shopping with her? What about Rachel? Monica Geller: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it? Chandler Bing: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship. Monica Geller: But I'm... Phoebe Buffay: Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street. Ross Geller: So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow? Monica Geller: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a deal. Ross Geller: It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate this. Monica Geller: You're welcome. Phoebe Buffay: Woof, woof. Joey Tribbiani: Bijan for men? Bijan for men? Bijan for men? Hey Annabelle. Annabelle: Hey, Joey. So did you hear about the new guy? Joey Tribbiani: Who? Annabelle: Nobody knows his name. Me and the girls just call him the Hombre man. Hombre Man: Hombre? Joey Tribbiani: What's he doin' in my section? Annabelle: I guess he doesn't know. Joey Tribbiani: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later, ok? Hey, how ya doin'? Hombre Man: Mornin'. Joey Tribbiani: Listen, I know you're new, but it's kinda understood that everything from Young Men's to the escalator is my territory. Hombre Man: Your territory, huh? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Bijan for men? Guy: No thanks. Hombre Man: Hombre? Guy: Yeah. All right. Hombre Man: You were saying? Monica Geller: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day. Phoebe Buffay: What? Monica Geller: We were shopping, and we had lunch. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, all right. What did I have? Monica Geller: You had a salad. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full. Rachel Green: Hey, guys, what's up. Phoebe Buffay: I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad. Rachel Green: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy? Phoebe Buffay: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur. Rachel Green: You went shopping for fur? Phoebe Buffay: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, uh, boobs. Rachel Green: You bought boobs? Phoebe Buffay: Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras. Joey Tribbiani: Bijan for men? Bijan for men? Bijan for... Hey, Annabelle, Uh, listen, I was wondering if maybe after work you and I could go maybe grab a cup of coffee. Annabelle: Oh, actually I sorta have plans. Hombre Man: Ready, Annabelle? Annabelle: You bet. Maybe some other time? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne. Bijan for men? Bijan for men?! Carol Willick: Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is only for after his naps, not before his naps or he won't sleep. Ross Geller: Carol, we've been through this before, ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're father and son. Susan Bunch: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person. Rachel Green: Oh, this is so cute. Susan Bunch: Oh, I got that for him. Ross Geller: My mommies love me. That's clever. Monica Geller: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju Hi, Jew! Uh huh? Uh huh? Ok. Um, sure, that'd be great. See ya then. Bye. Rachel Green: Did you just say Hi, Jew? Monica Geller: Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my friend, Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it. Reaffirms his faith. Phoebe Buffay: Ben, dinner! Ross Geller: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're not supposed to do that. Phoebe Buffay: Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok. Chandler Bing: What did you just do? Phoebe Buffay: I licked my arm, what? Ross Geller: It's breast milk. Phoebe Buffay: So? Rachel Green: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person. Joey Tribbiani: What is the big deal? Chandler Bing: What did you just do? Ross Geller: Ok, would people stop drinking the breast milk? Phoebe Buffay: You won't even taste it? Ross Geller: No! Phoebe Buffay: Not even if you just pretend that it's milk? Ross Geller: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it. Monica Geller: Hey, where is everybody? Rachel Green: They took Ben to the park. Where've you been? Monica Geller: Just out. Had some lunch, just me, little quality time with me. Thanks for your jacket. Rachel Green: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. Here are your keys, hon. Monica Geller: Okay. Rachel Green: Mon, if uh you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars? Monica Geller: You know what probably happened? Someone musta stolen my credit card. Rachel Green: And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket? Monica Geller: That is an excellent excellent question. That is excellent. Rachel Green: Monica, what is with you? Who'd you have lunch with? Monica Geller: Judy. Rachel Green: Who? Monica Geller: Julie. Rachel Green: What?! Monica Geller: Jody! Rachel Green: You were with Julie? Monica Geller: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping. Rachel Green: Oh. Oh my God. Monica Geller: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me. Rachel Green: Yeah, right. Sure! Monica Geller: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out! Rachel Green: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught. Monica Geller: That is not true! Rachel Green: Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here? Monica Geller: Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid? Rachel Green: Ok, Monica. I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdale's? Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now. Monica Geller: Hi, who's this? Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel working? It's Monica. Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. Joanne, it's not as simple as all that, ok? No, I don't care what Steve thinks. Hi, Steve. Carol Willick: How did we do? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross freaked out. Ross Geller: I did not freak out. Carol Willick: Why'd you freak out? Ross Geller: Because it's breast milk. It's gross. Carol Willick: My breast milk is gross? Susan Bunch: This should be fun. Ross Geller: No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong with it. I just, I just don't think breast milk is for adults. Chandler Bing: Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike. Carol Willick: Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's no big deal. Just taste it. Ross Geller: That would be no. Phoebe Buffay: Come on. It doesn't taste bad. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh... Susan Bunch: Cantaloupe juice. Joey Tribbiani: Exactly. Ross Geller: You've tasted it? You've tasted it. Susan Bunch: Uh huh. Ross Geller: Oh, you've tasted it. Susan Bunch: You can keep saying it, but it won't stop being true. Ross Geller: Gimme the bottle. Gimme the towel. Chandler Bing: Howdy. Joey Tribbiani: Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched me over to Hombre. Chandler Bing: Well, maybe it's because of the way you're dressed. Joey Tribbiani: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people on it. You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day. Chandler Bing: What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you. Joey Tribbiani: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese. Chandler Bing: All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna run? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah I guess you're right. Chandler Bing: You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie. Joey Tribbiani: I'm gonna do it. Chandler Bing: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker. Monica Geller: I don't know what else to say. Rachel Green: Well that works out good, because I'm not listening. Monica Geller: I feel terrible, I really do. Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife? Monica Geller: Rachel, say that I'm friends with her, we spend some time together. Is that so terrible? Rachel Green: Yes. Monica Geller: It's that terrible? Rachel Green: Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually , but now she's actually stealing you. Monica Geller: Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean, you're my...We're, we're...Oh, I love you. Rachel Green: I love you too. Phoebe Buffay: You guys, um I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. Oh, I really needed that. Monica Geller: Look, I know that you're in a place right now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but she didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her. Would you just give that a chance, for me? Rachel Green: I'd do anything for you, you know that. Monica Geller: I'd do anything for you. Phoebe Buffay: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Joey Tribbiani: Mornin'. I said, mornin'. Hombre Man: I heard ya. Store Guy: All right, everybody, I'm openin' the doors. You boys ready? Hombre Man: Ready. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I'm ready. Customer: You idiot, you stupid cowboy, you blinded me, I'm suing! Store Guy: Oh my god, Todd! What the hell did you do? Hombre Man: I'm sorry. I am such a doofus. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Annabelle: My god, what happened? Joey Tribbiani: These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin'. Listen, uh, what do you say I buy you that cup of coffee now? Annabelle: Sure. Julie: So. Rachel Green: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right? Julie: I know, I probably shouldn't even tell you this, but I'm pretty much totally intimidated by you. Rachel Green: Really? Me? Julie: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it's probably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe you don't. Rachel Green: Well, you're not totally paranoid. Julie: Oy. Rachel Green: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monica's always saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she's right. Julie: Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to go to a movie sometime or something? Rachel Green: Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love it. Julie: I'd love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So, I'll talk to you later. Rachel Green: All right, Julie. Julie: Bye. Rachel Green: Bye. What a manipulative bitch. Ross Geller: That's not bad.
Chandler Bing: Hey. Monica Geller: So how was Joan? Chandler Bing: I broke up with her. Chandler Bing: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them. Rachel Green: Come on, they were not that huge. Chandler Bing: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain. Monica Geller: How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things? Joey Tribbiani: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts. Chandler Bing: You or me? Ross Geller: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples. Joey Tribbiani: You guys are messin' with me, right? Everyone: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa." Phoebe Buffay: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason. Chandler Bing: Maureen Rosilla. Ross Geller: Not hating Yanni is not a real reason. Monica Geller: Hello, Mr. Heckles. Mr. Heckles: You're doing it again. Monica Geller: We're not doing anything. Mr. Heckles: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds. Rachel Green: You don't have birds. Mr. Heckles: I could have birds. Monica Geller: Ok, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down. Mr. Heckles: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party. Rachel Green: All right, bye-bye. Chandler Bing: Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky. Ross Geller: We'll give you Janice. Phoebe Buffay: I miss Janice though. "Hello, Chandler Bing." Rachel Green: "Oh, my, god." Joey Tribbiani: "Oh, Chandler, now, now, that's it. There, faster!" Monica Geller: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise. Rachel Green: We won. We won! Monica Geller: Mr. Heckles. Rachel Green: How did this happen? Mr. Treeger: He musta been sweepin'. They found a broom in his hand. Monica Geller: That's terrible. Mr. Treeger: I know. I was sweepin' yesterday. It coulda been me. Ross Geller: Sure, sweepin'. You never know. Mr. Treeger: You never know. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Heckles! Chandler Bing: Ok, Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true. Joey Tribbiani: Such as? Phoebe Buffay: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution? Ross Geller: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution? Phoebe Buffay: Nah. Not really. Ross Geller: You don't believe in evolution? Phoebe Buffay: I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy. Ross Geller: Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I just don't buy it. Ross Geller: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, don't get me started on gravity. Ross Geller: You uh, you don't believe in gravity? Phoebe Buffay: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed. Chandler Bing: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. Mr. Treeger: There she is. And over there, that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you. Monica Geller: What can we do for you? Buddy Boyles: All right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "the noisy girls in the apartment above mine". Monica Geller: Well, what about his family? Buddy Boyles: He didn't have any. Rachel Green: Ok, so let's talk money. Buddy Boyles: All right, there was none. Let's talk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be noisy girl number two. Monica Geller: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it?...Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge! Rachel Green: Have you ever seen so much crap? Chandler Bing: Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap Joey Tribbiani: Check this out. Can I have this? Ross Geller: How can you not believe in evolution? Phoebe Buffay: Just don't. Look at this funky shirt! Ross Geller: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? You can literally see them evolving through time. Phoebe Buffay: Really? You can actually see it? Ross Geller: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over. Phoebe Buffay: See, I didn't know that. Ross Geller: Well, there you go. Phoebe Buffay: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why? Chandler Bing: Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of Grievances." Joey Tribbiani: Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're in here too. Chandler Bing: April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent. Rachel Green: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this. Monica Geller: Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps. Rachel Green: What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool. Monica Geller: It doesn't go with any of my stuff. Rachel Green: Well, what about my stuff? Monica Geller: You don't have any stuff. Rachel Green: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you? Monica Geller: No. Rachel Green: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room. Monica Geller: Mmmmm. Rachel Green: Ok, while you "mmm" on it for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp. Ross Geller: Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs? Phoebe Buffay: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts. Ross Geller: Please tell me you're joking. Phoebe Buffay: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't. Ross Geller: No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because- Phoebe Buffay: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope. Ross Geller: Is there blood coming out of my ears? Joey Tribbiani: Check it out, check it out. Heckles' high school yearbook. Chandler Bing: Wow, he looks so normal. Phoebe Buffay: He's even kind of cute. Joey Tribbiani: "Heckles, you crack me up in science class. You're the funniest kid in school. Chandler Bing: Funniest? Heckles? Joey Tribbiani: That's what it says. Chandler Bing: Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. He was right. Would you listen to that? Phoebe Buffay: I'd call that excessive. Chandler Bing: Whoa! Joey Tribbiani: What? Chandler Bing: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool. Joey Tribbiani: So, you were both dorks. Big deal. Chandler Bing: I just think it's weird, you know? Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles...Would you knock it off? Joey Tribbiani: Have you been here all night? Chandler Bing: Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did. Joey Tribbiani: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case. Chandler Bing: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction. Joey Tribbiani: All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast, let's go. Chandler Bing: What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it "supposably"? Joey Tribbiani: Chandler, come on, you're gonna find somebody. Chandler Bing: How do you know that? How? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know, I'm just tryin' to help you out. Chandler Bing: You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna be doin'. I mean, what if we're at her folks' place? Chandler Bing: Yeah, I understand. Joey Tribbiani: You can come over and watch the Super Bowl. Every year, all right? Chandler Bing: You know what? I'm not gonna end up like this. I'll see you man. Joey Tribbiani: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably. Chandler Bing: Hi, it's me. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, my, god. Phoebe Buffay: Janice? You called Janice? Chandler Bing: Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend? Ross Geller: You remember Janice, right? Chandler Bing: Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody. Janice Litman Goralnik: Helloo!! Chandler Bing: Oh, my, god! Joey Tribbiani: Geez, look how fat she got. Janice Litman Goralnik: Hey, it's everybody. Chandler Bing: Janice, you're- Janice Litman Goralnik: Yes, I am. Chandler Bing: Is it-? Janice Litman Goralnik: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now. Chandler Bing: Congratulations. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. Chandler Bing: You couldn't have told me about this on the phone? Janice Litman Goralnik: And what? Missed the expression on your face? Janice likes to have her fun. Monica Geller: Hey, Rache. You know what we haven't played in a while? Rachel Green: What? Monica Geller: Hide the Lamp. Rachel Green: Monica, let it go. Monica Geller: Did you know I was allergic to shellfish? Rachel Green: Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps. Phoebe Buffay: Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man. Ross Geller: Ok, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities. Ross Geller: It's the only possibility, Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this? Ross Geller: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility. Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe you caved. Ross Geller: What? Phoebe Buffay: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry? Rachel Green: I am. Let me just get my coat. Monica Geller: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke. Rachel Green: Oh, please, Monica. You've always hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it's just magically broken? Monica Geller: Phoebe, tell her! Phoebe Buffay: Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you. Rachel Green: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp. Chandler Bing: Neat. I'm gonna die alone. Rachel Green: Ok, you win. Monica Geller: Chandler, you're not gonna die alone. Chandler Bing: Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake. Phoebe Buffay: Uh huh. Why is that? Chandler Bing: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, yknow. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout! Monica Geller: You have got to get over this. You're not gonna end up alone. Chandler Bing: Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there. Rachel Green: Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with. Monica Geller: You are not a freak. You're a guy. Rachel Green: She's right. She's right. You are no different than the rest of them. Monica Geller: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. You are totally different. Chandler Bing: In a bad way? Monica Geller: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone. Rachel Green: Yeah. You're not gonna end up alone. Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone! Monica Geller: You made it! Phoebe Buffay: You're there! Rachel Green: You are ready to make a commitment! Chandler Bing: Whoa! Don't know about that. Rachel Green: What you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break? Monica Geller: No. Um, I know you like this, and I want you to have it. I think it'll look good in our apartment. Rachel Green: Thank you. Monica Geller: That's fine. Chandler Bing: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Alison, from work. She's great. She's pretty, she's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you? Chandler Bing: I'll take that. Joey Tribbiani: You want his yearbook? Chandler Bing: Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it. Monica Geller: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but, he was a person. You're all going to hell. Rachel Green: It's really not that big! Chandler Bing: Takin' that with you, huh? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah. Ross Geller: You comin'? Chandler Bing: Yeah, jus' second. Good-bye Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down. Alison: Oh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see "Philosopher wanted"? Chandler Bing: Sure.
Rachel Green: Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night, I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing OH MY GOOOD, oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for you. OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy. Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh. It's open you guys. Stranger: Hi. Rachel Green: Hi, hi can I help you? Stranger: Yeah, I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here? Rachel Green: Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a message to her. Stranger: Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by. Rachel Green: What? Stranger: Hey, how, how did you do that? Joey Tribbiani: This is unbelievable Phoebs, how can you be married? Phoebe Buffay: Well, I mean, I'm not married married, ya know, he's just a friend and he's gay and he's just from Canada and he just needed a green card. Monica Geller: I can't believe you married Duncan. I mean how could you not tell me? We lived together, we told each other everything. Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry Monica but I knew if I told you, you'd get really, like, judgemental and you would not approve. Monica Geller: Of course I wouldn't approve, I mean, you were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay. I mean, what the hell were you thinking? Ross Geller: You see, and you thought she'd be judgemental. Phoebe Buffay: OK, I wasn't in love with him and I was just helping out a friend. Monica Geller: Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month and I saw you eat a cheeseburger. Everyone: Huuh. Monica Geller: Well, didn't you? Phoebe Buffay: I might have. Monica Geller: I can't believe you didn't tell me. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, c'mon, like you tell me everything. Monica Geller: What have I not told you? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I don't know. Umm, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace. Rachel Green: What! Monica Geller: Wait a minute, who told you? You are dead meat. Chandler Bing: I didn't know it was a big secret. Monica Geller: Oh it's not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh I don't know, having a third nipple. Phoebe Buffay: You have a third nipple? Chandler Bing: You bitch. Ross Geller: Whip it out, whip it out. Chandler Bing: C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's just a tiny bump, it's totally useless. Rachel Green: Oh as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples? Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin. Ross Geller: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know, you see somethin', you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Let me see it again. Everyone: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin, the nubbin. Chandler Bing: Joey was in a porno movie. Everyone: Huuh. Chandler Bing: If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' everybody with me. Ross Geller: You were in a porno? Joey Tribbiani: Ahh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just wanted a job, OK. But at the last minute I couldn't go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't 'cause there's people havin' sex on it. Monica Geller: That is wild. Ross Geller: So what's it shaped like? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, is there a hair on it? Joey Tribbiani: What happens if you flick it? Ross Geller: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special? Chandler Bing: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia. Julie: You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked around you. Chandler Bing: Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area? Ross Geller: You know, you are so amazing, is there anything you, you don't know? Rachel Green: Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special. Monica Geller: Look honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But he's with her now and you're just gonna have to get over it. Rachel Green: Ohh, I'm gonna have to get over it. God, see I didn't know that's I had to do, I just have to get over it. Everyone: Woah. Joey Tribbiani: Foxy lady. Julie: Where you goin'? Phoebe Buffay: Um, I'm gonna go meet Duncan, he's skating tonight at the Garden, he's in the Capades. Joey Tribbiani: The Ice Capades? Chandler Bing: No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast but when Snoopy falls. . . funny. Monica Geller: I can't believe you're dressing up for him. I mean, you're just, you're setting yourself up all over again. Phoebe Buffay: OK, no. For your information I'm going to see him so I can put all those feeling behind me. OK, and the reason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice to look nice for your gay husband. Ross Geller: Oh, darnit, we're all out of milk. Hey Chandler, would you fill me up here? Chandler Bing: Oh I see, I see, because of the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha. . . Ross Geller: OK sweetie, I'll see you later. Julie: See you later Rach. Rachel Green: Bye-bye Julie. Rachel Green: Hey. Ross Geller: Hey. Rachel Green: Hey, c'mon, cut it out. Ross Geller: Hey? Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: Can I ask you somethin'? Rachel Green: Sure. Ross Geller: Naa. Rachel Green: What? C'mon, talk to me. Ross Geller: OK, what's the longest you've been in the relationship before ha, have, having the sex? Rachel Green: Why? Who's not having. . . Are you and Julie not, are, are you and, are you and Julie not having sex? Ross Geller: Technically, huh, no. Rachel Green: Wow. Is it, is it 'cause she's so cold in bed. Or, or is it 'cause she's like, kinda bossy, makes it feel like school? Ross Geller: No, no, she's great and it's not like we haven't done anything. I mean, uh, uh, we, we do plenty of other stuff, lot's of other stuff, like uhh. . . Rachel Green: No, no no no, don't need to know the details. Ross Geller: It's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've only been with one woman my whole life and she turned out to be a lesbian. So now I've got myself all psyched out, you know, and it's become, like this, this thing and I. . . Well, you just must think I'm weird. Rachel Green: No, no, no, no I don't think it's weird, I think, I think umm, in fact, in fact you know what I think? Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: I think it's sexy. Ross Geller: Sexy? Rachel Green: Let me tell you something. As a woman there is nothing sexier than a man who does not want to have sex. Ross Geller: No kidding? Rachel Green: Oh yeah. In fact you know what I'd do? Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: I'd wait. Ross Geller: You'd wait? Rachel Green: Yes, absolutely. I would wait and wait. . . then I'd wait some more. Ross Geller: Really? Rachel Green: Oh yeah, I don't care how much she tells you she wants it, I don't care if begs, she pleads, she tells you she, she's gonna have sex with, with another man. That just means it's working. Ross Geller: Women really want this? Rachel Green: More than jewelry. Phoebe Buffay: Hi. Duncan: Phoebe! Phoebe Buffay: Ta-da. Duncan: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Hi. Duncan: Ahh, look at you, you look great. Phoebe Buffay: Do I? Thank you, so do you. Duncan: Thanks. Phoebe Buffay: Sparkly. So, wow, this is pretty wonerful, huh. Mr. major capades guy. I, I remember when you were just, like, King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice is Nice. Duncan: You always said I'd make it. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, well, ya know, I'm kind of spooky that way. Wooo. Duncan: I missed you. I'm gonna get changed. Phoebe Buffay: OK. Duncan: Um, now. Phoebs. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, right, OK. Ole. Duncan: What? Phoebe Buffay: Um, the matador. Ole, ha ha ha. Ross Geller: Julie, can you hold this for a second, thanks. Chandler Bing: Uh, Julie. Julie: Yeah? Chandler Bing: Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright. Ross Geller: Hi everyone. Everyone: Hi. Ross Geller: I just, I wanted to thank you for our uh, our little talk before. Rachel Green: Oh, God, no problem. So you're gonna go with the uh, waiting thing? Ross Geller: Well, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to Joey. Rachel Green: What did, what did he say? Ross Geller: Basically he told me to get over myself and just do it, ya know. So I though about what you said and I though about what he said and, well, his way I get to have sex tonight so. . . Chandler Bing: What's this in my pocket? Why it's Joey's porno movie. Ross Geller: Pop it in. Joey Tribbiani: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled with two nippled people. Rachel Green: Great, people having sex, that's just what I need to see. Ross Geller: What's wrong with people having sex? Rachel Green: Well, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women and females. And uh, and the lighting's always unflattering. And, Monica help me out here. Monica Geller: Hell, I wanna see Joey. Julie: So is there like a story or do they just stard doing it right. . . oh, never mind. Chandler Bing: OK, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen. Monica Geller: All I say is, she better get the job. Ross Geller: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job. Joey Tribbiani: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do. . . so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, you know that's bad fo r the paper tray. Chandler Bing: Nice work my friend. Joey Tribbiani: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . . Phoebe Buffay: So um, so what's up, you came to see me yesterday. Duncan: Oh, yeah, um, alright, I kinda need a divorce. Phoebe Buffay: Ohh. . .K. How come? Duncan: Umm, actually, I'm getting married again. Phoebe Buffay: What? Duncan: Oh God, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm straight. Phoebe Buffay: Huuh. Duncan: Yeah, I know, I. Phoebe Buffay: I, I don't, I don't understand, how can you be straight? I mean, you're, you're so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties. Duncan: I know, that's what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point where you can't live a lie anymore. Phoebe Buffay: So how long have you known? Duncan: Well I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I though I was supposed to be something else, you know, I'm an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just tryin' to fit in. Phoebe Buffay: And um, and there's actually a, a woman? Duncan: Her name's Debra. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you've been with? Duncan: Well, I've never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college. Phoebe Buffay: Sure. Duncan: But now I know I don't have a choice about this, I was born this way. Phoebe Buffay: I, I don't know what to say. I mean, you know, you're married to someone for six years and you think you know him and then one day says, 'Oh, I'm not gay.' Duncan: I'm, I'm still me. Phoebe Buffay: Why couldn't you have just figured this out six years ago? Monica Geller: You know, it still smells like monkey in there. Julie: That saves us a conversation. Chandler Bing: Well, listen, this has been great but I'm officially wiped. Joey Tribbiani: Me too, we should get goin'. Rachel Green: No, no, I mean, no, c'mon you guys, I mean, c'mon look it's only eleven thirty. Let's just talk, we never just hang out and talk anymore. Monica Geller: Rachel, that's all we do. Rachel Green: Maybe that's all we do, what about Julie? Julie: What about Julie? Rachel Green: Well, you have been in our lives for nearly two months now and we don't really know you. I mean, who is Julie? I mean, what do you like, what don't you like? We wanna hear everything. Julie: Well, that could take a while. Rachel Green: So. I mean, who here does not have the time to get to know Julie? Chandler Bing: I got the time to get to know Julie. Joey Tribbiani: I got time. Monica Geller: Rach, I know her pretty well, can I go? That's fine. Rachel Green: OK Julie, so now let's start with your childhood, what was that like? Julie: Well, in a nutshell. . . Rachel Green: Nah, uh, uh, uh, uh. Phoebe Buffay: So, um, have you told your parents? Duncan: No, but it'll be OK, they're pretty cool, my brother's straight so. . . Phoebe Buffay: Here you go. You know what, I just have one more question, um, if you had figured this out sooner and um, I had been around, do you think that I would have been the one who. . . no, um, I'm sorry, don't tell me, I don't th ink either answer would make me feel better. Duncan: I love you Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: So your brother's straigh huh? Seriously. Julie: And my second grade teacher was Ms. Thomas, and my first grade teacher was Mrs. Cobb. Rachel Green: Mrs., Mrs. Gobb? Julie: No Cobb, as in cobb salad. Rachel Green: Now, what exactly is in a cobb salad? Chandler Bing: I'm goin' home. Rachel Green: What? Joey Tribbiani: Boy that Julie's a talker, huh? Ross Geller: Goodnight. Rachel Green: So, it's pretty late, you're probably uh, not still planning on. . . Ross Geller: Oh, no no, I am. Rachel Green: Oh, well, are hey, are you nervous? Ross Geller: Um, no, I uh, I have done it before. Rachel Green: Uh, OK, I mean uh, what, how are you gonna handle it. I mean, are, are ya gonna, are ya gonna talk about it before hand, are you just gonna pounce? Ross Geller: I uh, I don't know, I guess I'm just gonna see, see what happens. Rachel Green: OK, gook luck. Ross Geller: Wha, uhh, what? Rachel Green: Nothing, I mean, um, it is your first time with her and, you know if the first time doesn't go well, well then that's, that's pretty darn hard to recover from. Ross Geller: OK, now I'm nervous. Rachel Green: Maybe you should put it off. Ross Geller: No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, ya know, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just, I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya know. Rachel Green: I know, yeah, sorry. Ross Geller: What, it's not your fault. Rachel Green: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that. Ross Geller: Really? Rachel Green: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to happen. Ross Geller: Uh-huh. Rachel Green: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening. Ross Geller: Ohh. . . Thanks Rach, goodnight. Rachel Green: Ohh, God. Ross Geller: Good morning. Old Woman: Well, somebody got some last night. Ross Geller: Twice.
Ross Geller: Man, I sure miss Julie. Chandler Bing: Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets wrestling. Julie. Ok, yes, I see how you got there. Ross Geller: You ever figure out what that thing's for? Chandler Bing: No, see, I'm trying this new screening thing. You know, I figure if I'm always answering the phone, people'll think I don't have a life. My god, Rodrigo never gets pinned. Joey Tribbiani: Here comes the beep, you know what to do. Jade: Hello, I'm looking for Bob. This is Jane. I don't know if you're still at this number, but I was just thinking about us, and how great it was, and, well, I know it's been three years, but, I was kinda hoping we could hook up again. I barely had t he nerve to make this call, so you know what I did? Chandler Bing: What? Jade: I got a little drunk...and naked. Chandler Bing: Bob here. Chandler Bing: What've you been up to? Jade: Oh, you know, the usual, teaching aerobics, partying way too much. Oh, and in case you were wondering, those are my legs on the new James Bond poster. Chandler Bing: Can you hold on a moment? I have another call. I love her. Ross Geller: I know. Chandler Bing: I'm back. Jade: So, are we gonna get together or what? Chandler Bing: Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bout tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh, Central Perk in the Village, say, five-ish? Jade: Great, I'll see you then. Chandler Bing: Ok. Ok. Having a phone has finally paid off. Ross Geller: Even though you do do a good Bob impression, I'm thinkin' when she sees you tomorow, she's probably gonna realize, "hey, you're not Bob." Chandler Bing: I'm hoping that when Bob doesn't show up, she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table. Ross Geller: Oh my god. You are pure evil. Chandler Bing: Ok, pure evil, horny and alone. I've done this. Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah, everybody's here. Hey, everybody, say hi to Julie in New Mexico. Everyone: Hi, Julie! Rachel Green: Hi, Julie. Chandler Bing: Ok, while Ross is on the phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday. Phoebe Buffay: Um, is, is there any chance that you're rounding up? You know, like from, like 20? Chandler Bing: Hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert, and the cake. Joey Tribbiani: Do we need a cake? Chandler Bing: Look guys, I know it's a little steep. Rachel Green: Yeah, whoosh! Chandler Bing: But it's Ross. Phoebe Buffay: It's Ross. Joey Tribbiani: All right. Chandler Bing: I'll see you guys later, I gotta go...do a thing. Ross Geller: Ok, sweetheart, I'll call you later tonight. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, you're not really gonna go through with this, are you? Chandler Bing: You know, I think I might just. Rachel Green: So uh, what are you guys doing for dinner tonight? Joey Tribbiani: Well I guess I gotta start savin' up for Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll just stay home and eat dust bunnies. Phoebe Buffay: Can you believe how much this is gonna cost? Rachel Green: Do you guys ever get the feeling that um, Chandler and those guys just don't get that we don't make as much money as they do? Joey Tribbiani: Yes! Yeah, it's like they're always saying "let's go here, let's go there". Like we can afford to go here and there. Phoebe Buffay: Yes, yes, and it's, and we always have to go to, you know, someplace nice, you know? God, and it's not like we can say anything about it, 'cause, like this birthday thing, it's for Ross. Joey Tribbiani: For Ross. Rachel Green: For Ross, Ross, Ross. Monica Geller: Oh my god. Rachel Green: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hi. Rachel Green: What? Monica Geller: I'm at work, ordinary day, you know, chop chop chop, sauti, sauti, sauti. All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office. It turns out they fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job. Joey Tribbiani: If it's not you, this is a horrible story. Monica Geller: Fortunately, it is me. And, they made me head of purchasing, thank you very much. Anyway, I just ran into Ross and Chandler downstairs, and they think we should go out and celebrate. You know, someplace nice. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, someplace nice. How much do you think I can get for my kidney? Ross Geller: I'm tellin' you. You can't do this. Chandler Bing: Oh, come on. I can never get a girl like that with conventional methods. Ross Geller: That doesn't matter. She wanted to call Bob. Hey, for all we know, Bob is who she was meant to be with. You may be destroying two people's chance for happiness. Chandler Bing: We don't know Bob, ok? We know me. We like me. Please let me be happy. Ross Geller: Go over there and tell that woman the truth. Chandler Bing: All right. Ross Geller: Go. Chandler Bing: Hi. Jade: Hi. Chandler Bing: Listen, I have to, uh, um, I have to, I have to confess something. Jade: Yes? Chandler Bing: Whoever stood you up is a jerk. Jade: How did you-? Chandler Bing: I don't know. I just had this weird sense. You know, but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue? Jade: Thanks. Chandler Bing: No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today. Ross Geller: Ok, ok, here is to my sister, the newly-appointed head lunch chef- Monica Geller: Who is also in charge of purchasing. Ross Geller: Newly appointed head lunch chef who is also in charge of purchasing- Monica Geller: Who has her own little desk when Roland's not there. Ross Geller: Uh, lunch chef, purchasing, own little desk when Roland's not there. Here's to my little sister- Monica Geller: Oh, wait, and I got a beeper! Joey Tribbiani: Cool. Phoebe Buffay: Let's see! Ross Geller: That's fine, I'll just wait! Monica Geller: Oh, sorry. Joey Tribbiani: Sorry, sorry. Ross Geller: Monica! Waiter: Are we ready to order? Rachel Green: Oh, you know what, we haven't even looked yet. Waiter: Well, when you do, just let me know. I'll be right over there on the edge of my seat. Phoebe Buffay: Wow, look at these prices. Rachel Green: Yeah, these are pretty ch-ching. Joey Tribbiani: What are these, like famous chickens? Chandler Bing: Hey, sorry I'm late. Congratulations, Mon. I'm not sorry I'm late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade? Ross Geller: Well, pretty incredible according to the message she left you on my machine. Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine? Chandler Bing: Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number because she thinks that my number is Bob's number. Ross Geller: Hey, tell me again, what do I do when Mr. Roper calls? Waiter: Do I dare ask? Monica Geller: Yes, I will start with the carpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled prawns. Ross Geller: That sounds great. Same for me. Waiter: And for the gentleman? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper? Waiter: You'd think, wouldn't you? Miss? Rachel Green: Ok, I will have the uh, side salad. Waiter: And what will that be on the side of? Rachel Green: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water? Waiter: And for you? Phoebe Buffay: Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, and, um, take care. Chandler Bing: I will have the uh, Cajun catfish. Waiter: Anything else? Chandler Bing: Yes, how 'bout a verse of Killing Me Softly. You're gonna sneeze on my fish, aren't you? Ross Geller: Plus tip, divided by six. Ok, everyone owes 28 bucks. Rachel Green: Um, everyone? Ross Geller: Oh, you're right, I'm sorry. Joey Tribbiani: Thank you. Ross Geller: Monica's big night, she shouldn't pay. Monica Geller: Oh, thank you! Ross Geller: So five of us is, $33.50 apiece. Phoebe Buffay: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen. Chandler Bing: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback. Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, Monica, I'm really happy you got promoted, but cold cucumber mush for thirty-something bucks? No! Rachel just had that, that, that salad, and, and Joey with his like teeny pizza! It's just... Ross Geller: Ok, Pheebs! How 'bout we'll each just pay for what we had. It's no big deal. Phoebe Buffay: Not for you. Monica Geller: All right, what's goin' on? Rachel Green: Ok, look you guys, I really don't want to get into this right now. I think it'll just make everyone uncomfortable. Phoebe Buffay: Fine. All right, fine. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Chandler Bing: You can tell us. Ross Geller: Hello, it's us, all right? It'll be fine. Joey Tribbiani: Ok, um, uh, we three feel like, that uh, sometimes you guys don't get that uh, we don't have as much money as you. Monica Geller: Ok. Ross Geller: I hear ya. Chandler Bing: We can talk about that. Phoebe Buffay: Well, then...Let's. Ross Geller: I, I just never think of money as an issue. Rachel Green: That's 'cause you have it. Ross Geller: That's a good point. Chandler Bing: So um, how come you guys haven't talked about this before? Joey Tribbiani: 'Cause it's always somethin', you know, like Monica's new job, or the whole Ross's birthday hoopla. Ross Geller: Wha-? Whoa, hey, I don't want my birthday to be the source of any kind of negative-there's gonna be a hoopla? Rachel Green: Basically, there's the thing, and then there's the stuff after the thing. Monica Geller: If it makes anybody feel better, then we can just forget the thing, and we'll just do the gift. Ross Geller: G-gift? The thing's not the gift? Chandler Bing: No, the thing was, we were gonna go see Hootie and the Blowfish. Ross Geller: Hootie and the-oh my. I, I can catch them on the radio. Phoebe Buffay: No, now I feel bad. You wanna go to the concert. Ross Geller: No, look, hey, it's my birthday, and the important thing is that we all be together. Monica Geller: All of us. Chandler Bing: Together. Ross Geller: Not at the concert. Rachel Green: Ok. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Rachel Green: Thank you. Joey Tribbiani: Thanks. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Chandler Bing: So, the ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh? Chandler Bing: Gee, Monica, what's in the bag? Monica Geller: I don't know, Chandler. Let's take a look. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's like a skit. Monica Geller: Why, it's dinner for six. 5 steaks, and an eggplant for Phoebe. Ross Geller: Whoo! Phoebe Buffay: Cool. Monica Geller: Yeah, we switched meat suppliers at work, and the new guys gave me the steaks as sort of a thank-you. Ross Geller: But wait, there's more. Hey, Chandler, what is in the envelope? Chandler Bing: By the way, this didn't seem so dorky in the hall. Ross Geller: Come on. Chandler Bing: Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish! The Blowfish! Monica Geller: It's on us, all right, so don't worry. It's our treat. Phoebe Buffay: So...Thank you. Ross Geller: Could you be less enthused? Joey Tribbiani: Look, it's a nice gesture, it is. But it just feels like- Monica Geller: Like? Joey Tribbiani: Charity. Monica Geller: Charity? Ross Geller: We're just tryin' to do a nice thing here. Rachel Green: Ross, you have to understand that your nice thing makes us feel this big. Phoebe Buffay: Actually, it makes us feel that big. Ross Geller: I don't, I don't understand. I mean, you, it's like we can't win with you guys. Chandler Bing: If you guys feel this big, maybe that's not our fault. Maybe that's just how you feel. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, now you're tellin' us how you feel. Rachel Green: Ok, we never shoulda talked about this. Phoebe Buffay: I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now. Rachel Green: Me neither. Joey Tribbiani: Me too. Monica Geller: Guys, we bought the tickets. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff. Chandler Bing: Why did you look at me when you said that? Monica Geller: Well, I guess now we can't go. Rachel Green: What? Come on, you do what you want to do. Do we always have to do everything together? Monica Geller: You know what? You're right. Phoebe Buffay: Fine. Ross Geller: Fine. Joey Tribbiani: Fine. Chandler Bing: Fine. Rachel Green: Fine. Monica Geller: All right. We're gonna go. It's not for another six hours. We're gonna go then. Ross Geller: Chandler! Chandler Bing: Yeah? Ross Geller: Geez! Are you ready? Chandler Bing: Yeah. Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today. Ross Geller: Whoa! You had sex today? Chandler Bing: Wow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it. I was awesome, ok? She was biting her lip to stop from screaming. Ross Geller: Wow. Chandler Bing: Now I know it's been awhile, but I took it as a good sign. Ross Geller: Still doing the screening thing? Chandler Bing: I had sex today. I never have to answer that phone again. Machine: Here comes the beep, you know what to do. Jade: Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I was really hurt when you didn't show up the other day, and just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy. Chandler Bing: Bob here. Jade: Oh, hi. Chandler Bing: So, uh, you met someone, huh? Jade: Yes, yes, I did. In fact, I had sex with him 2 hours ago. Chandler Bing: So, uh, how was he? Jade: Eh. Chandler Bing: Eh? Jade: Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you. I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name. Chandler Bing: Well, that makes me feel so good. Jade: It was just so awkward and bumpy. Ross Geller: Bumpy? Chandler Bing: Well, maybe he had some kind of uh, new, cool style, that you're not familiar with. And uh maybe you have to get used to it. Jade: Well there really wasn't much time to get used to it, you know what I mean? Monica Geller: You know what? I'm not gonna be able to enjoy this. Ross Geller: Yeah, I know, it's my birthday. We all should be here. Chandler Bing: So, let's go. Ross Geller: Well maybe, you know, maybe we should stay for one song. Chandler Bing: Yeah, I mean, it would be rude to them for us to leave now. Monica Geller: You know, the guys are probably having a great time. Joey Tribbiani: Come on you guys, one more time. Phoebe Buffay: Ok. One. Joey Tribbiani: Nooo. Monica Geller: That was amazing! Ross Geller: Excellent, that was excellent. Chandler Bing: I can't believe the guys missed this. Ross Geller: What guys? Oh, yeah. Steven Fisher: Excuse me, you're Monica Geller aren't you? Monica Geller: Do I know you? Steven Fisher: You used to be my babysitter. Monica Geller: Oh my god, little Stevie Fisher? How've you been? Steven Fisher: Good, good, I'm a lawyer now. Monica Geller: You can't be a lawyer. You're eight. Steven Fisher: Listen, it was nice to see you. I gotta run backstage. Monica Geller: Uh, wait, backstage? Steven Fisher: Oh, yeah, my firm represents the band. Ross Geller: Ross. Chandler Bing: Chandler. Steven Fisher: How are you? Look, you guys wanna meet the group? Come on. So, are you one of the ones who fooled around with my dad? Ross Geller: Hey, you guys. Rachel Green: Happy birthday. Ross Geller: Oh, thank you, thanks. So uh, how was your night last night? Rachel Green: Oh, well, it pretty much sucked. How was yours? Monica Geller: Yeah, ours pretty much sucked, oh, but, I did run into little Stevie Fisher. Remember him? Rachel Green: Oh yeah. I used to babysit him. Hey, how's his dad? Monica Geller: Uh, good. Ross Geller: Uh, aside from that, the whole evening was pretty much a bust. Chandler Bing: Yeah, we really missed you guys. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, look, we were just saying, this whole thing is really stupid. Phoebe Buffay: We just have to really, really, really, not let stuff like money get-is that a hickey? Monica Geller: No, I just, I fell down. Rachel Green: On someone's lips? Where'd you get the hickey? Monica Geller: You know, a party, or- Rachel Green: What party? Ross Geller: It wasn't so much a party as...a gathering of people, with food, and music, and, and the band. Joey Tribbiani: You partied with Hootie and the Blowfish? Chandler Bing: Yes, apparently Stevie and the band are like this. Rachel Green: Who gave you that hickey? Monica Geller: That would be the work of a Blowfish. Rachel Green: Oh! Phoebe Buffay: Oh! I can't believe it. I can't believe this. We're just like, sitting at home, trying to guess Joey's fingers, and you guys are out like partying and having fun, and you know, all, "hey, Blowfish, suck on my neck". Ross Geller: Look, don't blame us. You guys coulda been there, you know. Rachel Green: What, as part of your poor friends outreach program? Monica Geller: It's work. Chandler Bing: I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that we make more money than you. But we're not gonna feel guilty about it. We work really hard for it. Joey Tribbiani: And we don't work hard? Monica Geller: Yeah, hi, it's Monica. I just got a page. Chandler Bing: I'm just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more. Joey Tribbiani: And you feel like we hold you back. Chandler Bing: Yes. Rachel Green: Oh! Chandler Bing: No. Monica Geller: Leon, Leon. Shhh! Guys. Wait, I don't understand. Those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor. That was not a kick back. I'll just replace them and we can forget the whole thing. What corporate policy? No. Yeah. All right. I just got fired. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Waitress: Here's your check. That'll be $4.12. Joey Tribbiani: Let me get that. You got five bucks? Machine: Here comes the beep, you know what to do. Jade: Hi, it's me. Listen, Bob. I'm probably way out of line here. I mean, It has been 3 years, and you're probably seeing someone else now, but if we could just have one night together, just for old time's sake, one hot, steamy, wild night...
Monica Geller: Who da wenny-Benny boy? You the Wenny-wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes. Don't cry. Don't cry. Why is he still crying? Ross Geller: Let me hold him for a sec. There. Huh? There we are. Monica Geller: Maye it's me. Ross Geller: Don't be silly. Ben loves you. He's just being Mr. Crankypants. Chandler Bing: You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody. Ross Geller: There we go. All better. Monica Geller: There's my little boy. Chandler Bing: Can I uh see something? Joey Tribbiani: Cool. Monica Geller: He hates me. My nephew hates me. Ross Geller: Come on, don't do this. Monica Geller: What if my own baby hates me? Huh? What am I gonna do then? Chandler Bing: Monica, will you stop? This is nuts. Do you know how long it's gonna be before you actually have to deal with this problem? I mean, you don't even have a boyfriend yet. Joey, she does not look fat. Joey Tribbiani: Goo, goo, goo, waaah! Monica Geller: That is so funny. Let me see that. Joey Tribbiani: Are you ok, Ross? Ross Geller: I don't know. What's in this pie? Monica Geller: Uh, I don't know, butter, eggs, flour, lime, kiwi- Ross Geller: Kiwi? Kiwi? I thought it was a key lime pie. Monica Geller: No I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it so special. Ross Geller: And that's what's gonna kill me. I'm allergic to kiwi. Monica Geller: No you're not. You're, you're allergic to lobster and peanuts and-oh my god. Ross Geller: Ugh. Monica Geller: Oh my god. Ross Geller: Ugh. It's definitely getting worse. Monica Geller: Is your tongue swelling up? Ross Geller: Either that or my mouth is getting smaller. Monica Geller: All right, get your coat, we're going to the hospital. Joey Tribbiani: Is he gonna be ok? Monica Geller: Yeah, he's just gotta get a shot. Ross Geller: You know, you know, actually it's getting better. It is. It is. Let's not go. Anyone for Thcrabble? Monica Geller: Jacket now. Ross Geller: What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to a hospital. Chandler Bing: We'll watch him. Ross Geller: I don't think tho. Joey Tribbiani: What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids. Come on, we wanna do it, don't we? Chandler Bing: I was looking forward to playing basketball, but I guess that's out the window. Ross Geller: Ok, well, if you do take him out for his walk, you might wanna bring his hat, and there's extra milk in the fridge, and there's extra diapers in the bag. Joey Tribbiani: Hat, milk, got it. Ross Geller: ??? Thro up a thro thro-a thro thro! Joey Tribbiani: Consider it done. Chandler Bing: You understood that? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue. Chandler Bing: Is he the one with the beautiful wife? Phoebe Buffay: Hey Rach, wanna hear the new song I'm thinkin' of singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower. Rachel Green: Ok. Phoebe Buffay: I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget. Terry: Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see ya for a minute? Rachel Green: What's up? Terry: F.Y.I.. I've decided to pay a professional musician to play in here on Sunday afternoons. Her name is Stephanie... something. She's supposed to be very good. Rachel Green: But what about Phoebe? Terry: Rachel, it's not that your friend is bad, it's that she's so bad, she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around. Rachel Green: Ok, ok, so you're not a fan, but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to her. Terry: Uh- Rachel Green: Oh, no no no no. Oh no no no no. I have to do this to her? Phoebe Buffay: Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, as needed. Chandler Bing: You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil? Joey Tribbiani: It's gonna be worth it. It's a known fact that women love babies, all righ? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack o' babes over there. Maybe one of them will break away. No, no wait, for get them, we got one, hard left. All right, gimme the baby. Chandler Bing: No, I got him. Joey Tribbiani: No, seriously. Chandler Bing: Oh, seriously you want him? Caroline: Hello. Caroline: And who is this little cutie pie? Chandler Bing: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me? Joey Tribbiani: You wanna smell him? Caroline: I assume we're talking about the baby now. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell. Get a whiff of his head. Caroline: I think my uterus just skipped a beat. Joey Tribbiani: What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you? Caroline: I think it's great you guys are doing this. Chandler Bing: Well, we are great guys. Caroline: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through? Phoebe Buffay: But, but this is my gig. This is where I play. My, my name is written out there in chalk. You know, you can't just erase chalk. Rachel Green: Honey, I'm sorry. Phoebe Buffay: And he's going to be paying this woman? Why doesn't he just give her like a throne, and a crown, and like a, you know, gold stick with a ball on top. Rachel Green: Terry is a jerk, ok? That's why we're always saying "Terry's a jerk!" That's where that came from. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, ok. You probably did everything you could. Rachel Green: Ok, you know what, lemme, let me just see what else I can do. All right, look, look. Why don't you just let her go on after Stephanie whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't even be here. You don't pay her. It's not gonna cost you anything. Terry: I, I don't know. Rachel Green: Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine. Terry: You don't clean the cappuccino machine? Rachel Green: Of course I clean it. I mean, I,I will cleeeean it. I mean, I will cleeeean it. Terry: Oh, all right, fine, fine, fine. Rachel Green: Done. Phoebe Buffay: Really? Rachel Green: Yeah. Who's workin' for you babe? Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Oh my god. This is so exciting. How much am I gonna get? Rachel Green: What? Phoebe Buffay: Well you said that he's paying the people who are playing. Rachel Green: Oh, no, no no. I meant that he's gonna be paying that other woman beause she's a professional. Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm not gonna be the only one who's not getting paid. Rachel Green: Well, but Pheebs. Phoebe Buffay: No, huh uh, I'm sorry, no. No, I'm not some like sloppy second, charity band. You know what, there are thousands of places in this city where people would be happy to pay to hear me play. When I play, I play for me, I don't need your charity. Thank you! La la la la la la la... Ross Geller: Well, there's no way I'm gonna get a shot. Maybe they can take the needle and thquirt it into my mouth, you know, like a thquirt gun. Doctor: Hello, there. I'm Dr. Carlin. I see someone's having an allergic reaction. Monica Geller: Doctor, can I see you for just a minute please? My brother has a slight phobia about needles. Ross Geller: Did you tell him about my thquirt gun idea? Monica Geller: My brother, the PhD would like to know if there's any way to treat this orally. Doctor: No, under these circumstances it has to be an injection, and it has to be now. Ross Geller: Tho? Ross Geller: Ohhh. Monica Geller: That's good, have a seat. Um, the doctor says it's gotta be a needle. You're just gonna have to be brave, ok? Can you do that for me? Ross Geller: Ok. Monica Geller: Ok. Oh boy. You are doin' so good. You wanna squeeze my hand? All right, Ross, don't squeeze it so hard. Honey, really, don't squeeze it so hard! Oh, Ross! Let go of my hand! Chandler Bing: That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out. Taxi, taxi! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, look at that talent. Chandler Bing: Just practicing. You're good. Carry on. Girl 1 On Bus: Hey, you. He's just adorable. Chandler Bing: Ok, but can you tell him that, because he thinks he's too pink. Girl 2 On Bus: So what are you guys out doing today? Joey Tribbiani: Oh we're not out. No, no. We're just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doin' the usual straight guy stuff. Chandler Bing: You done? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Girl 1: Oh, there's our stop. Joey Tribbiani: Get outta here. This is our stop too. Girl 2: You guys live around here too? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the building by the uh sidewalk. Chandler Bing: You know it? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, look, since we're neighbors and all, what do you say we uh, get together for a drink? Girl 1: So uh, you wanna go to Marquel's? Chandler Bing: Oh, sure, they love us over there. Girl 2: Where's your baby? Chandler Bing: Oh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord. Both: Stop the bus! Wait! Wait! Wait! Monica Geller: Are you sure he didn't break it because it really hurts. Doctor: No, it's just a good bone bruise. And, right here is the puncture wound from your ring. Ross Geller: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. Sorry. Sorry! Hey! Hey! I got my s's back! Which we can celebrate later. Celebrate. Phoebe Buffay: ... with the double double double-jointed boy. Hey. So um, are you the professional guitar player? Stephanie Schiffer: Yeah. I'm Stephanie. Phoebe Buffay: Right. My name was on there, but now it just says "carrot cake". So, um, so um, how many chords do you know? Stephanie Schiffer: All of them. Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, so you know D? Stephanie Schiffer: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, do you know A minor? Stephanie Schiffer: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, do you know how to go from D to A minor? Stephanie Schiffer: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Ok. Um, so does your guitar have a strap? Stephanie Schiffer: No. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Mine does. Stephanie knows all the chords. Chandler Bing: Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus. Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid charact er. Joey Tribbiani: Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. He wants to talk to you again. Rachel Green: Ok, everybody, let's give a uh nice warm Central Perk welcome to- Phoebe Buffay: Terry's a jerk, and he won't let me work, and I hate Central Perk! Rachel Green: Uh, to Stephanie Schiffer. Stephanie Schiffer: Thank you. I'd like to start with a song that I wrote for the first man I ever loved. Zachary. Phoebe Buffay: You're all invited to bite me! Transit Authority Guy: He's here. I'm assuming one of you is the father. Chandler Bing: That's me. Joey Tribbiani: I'm him. Chandler Bing: Actually, uh, we're both the father. Both: Oh, Ben! Hey, buddy! Chandler Bing: Please tell me you know which one is our baby. Joey Tribbiani: Well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks. Chandler Bing: Ok. Joey Tribbiani: Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one's definitely Ben. Remember, he had that cute little mole by his mouth. Chandler Bing: Yeah? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Chandler Bing: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off. Joey Tribbiani: Ahh! Chandler Bing: What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do? Joey Tribbiani: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns. Chandler Bing: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby? Joey Tribbiani: You got a better idea? Chandler Bing: All right, call it in the air. Joey Tribbiani: Heads. Chandler Bing: Heads it is. Joey Tribbiani: Yes! Whew! Chandler Bing: We have to assign heads to something. Joey Tribbiani: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads. Chandler Bing: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday? Rachel Green: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hi. Rachel Green: Here. I thought you might be cold. Phoebe Buffay: Thank you. Rachel Green: Whoa, look at you, you did pretty well. Phoebe Buffay: Eight dollars and 27 cents. But not really, 'cause I put in the first two, just to, you know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself feel better. Rachel Green: Do you? Phoebe Buffay: No. This whole like playing-for-money thing is so not good for me. You know, I don't know, when I sang "Su-Su-Suicide", I got a dollar seventy-five. But then, "Smelly Cat", I got 25 cents and a condom. So you know, now I just feel really bad for Smelly Cat. Rachel Green: Well, you know, honey, I don't think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then, whoosh! Phoebe Buffay: It's not even that. I used to do my songs because it made me happy, but now it's like, it's just all about the money. Rachel Green: Well, people missed you in there. And in fact, there was actually a request for "Smelly Cat". Phoebe Buffay: Really? From who? Rachel Green: Well, from me. And I know it's not your big money song, but it's my favorite. Kid: Hi. Uh, did I accidentally drop a condom in your case? It's kind of an emergency. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Here you go. Kid: Thanks a lot. Hey Christine, I got it! Ross Geller: I just wanna thank you for being there for me today. And I'm sorry I,I almost broke your hand. Monica Geller: That's ok. I'm sorry I poisoned you. Ross Geller: Yeah. Hey, remember the time I jammed that pencil into your hand? Monica Geller: Remember it? What do you think this is, a freckle? Ross Geller: Oh. Monica Geller: Wait, what about the time I hit you in the face with the Silvian's pumpkin? Ross Geller: Oh, man. Oh, remember when I stuck that broom in your bike spokes, and you flipped over and hit your head on the curb? Monica Geller: No. But I remember people telling me about it. Ross Geller: I hope Ben has a little sister. Monica Geller: Yeah. I hope she can kick his ass. Ross Geller: I'm gonna get a new band-aid. Hey, how 'bout the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken? Monica Geller: That was you? Ross Geller: They, uh, were infected. He wouldn't have made it. Monica Geller: Aw, my little nephew. Come here, little one. There's my little baby Ben. Hey, my little boy. Hey, he's not crying. Chandler Bing: Hey, he's not crying. Joey Tribbiani: Yes! There's still pie. Ross Geller: I'm here. How's my little boy? Want Daddy to change your diaper? So, did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today. Ross Geller: Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus-Hey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt? Chandler Bing: You, you are gonna love this. Ross Geller: Will you hold Ben for a sec? Come here. Come here. Chandler Bing: Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, Run! Stephanie Schiffer: Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Phoebe Buffay: No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's "smelly cat, smel-ly cat". Stephanie Schiffer: Smelly cat, smel-ly cat... Phoebe Buffay: Better. Yeah. Stephanie Schiffer: Yeah? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, much better. And you know what, don't feel bad, because it's a hard song. Stephanie Schiffer: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: You wanna try it again? Stephanie Schiffer: Yeah. From the top? Phoebe Buffay: Ok, there is no top. That's the beauty of Smelly Cat. Um, why don't you just follow me? Stephanie Schiffer: Ok. Phoebe Buffay: Mmmm hmmm. Together: Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it's not your fault. Phoebe Buffay: That's too much. Sorry.
Chandler Bing: OK, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there something. . . repellant. . . about me? Rachel Green: So, how was the party? Chandler Bing: Well it couldn't have been worse. A woman literally passed through me. OK, so what is it, am I hideously unattractive? Phoebe Buffay: No, you are not, you are very attractive. You know what, I go through the exact same thing. Every time I put on a little weight, I start questioning everyting. Chandler Bing: Woah, woah, I've put on a little weight? Phoebe Buffay: No, not wieght... y'know, more like insulation. Monica Geller: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. Ya wanna work out? I can remake you. Chandler Bing: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying around time. Monica Geller: Please. Everyone: C'mon. Let her. Yeah. Chandler Bing: Alright, OK, alright. But if we put on spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm goin' home. Phoebe Buffay: Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said anything. Come here. Come here. Oh, can't make... hands... meet... Chandler Bing: OK, let's do it. What? Monica Geller: Nothing, just never seen you in little stretchy pants before. Chandler Bing: And we're changing. Monica Geller: C'mon give me five more. Five more. Chandler Bing: No. Monica Geller: Five more and I'll flash you. Chandler Bing: One. . . two. . . two and a half. OK, just show me one of them. Chandler Bing: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. . She's insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's during work. She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mail anymore. Rachel Green: Hey Phoebs, how'd it go with Scott last night? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restraunt, ordered champagne, nice. Joey Tribbiani: The guy still won't put out, huh? Phoebe Buffay: Nope. Zilch, nothin', uh-uh. Everyone: Sorry Phoebs. Phoebe Buffay: Look, I, y'know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him a lot, y'know he's really interesting and he's really sweet and why won't he give it up? Joey Tribbiani: Maybe he, uhh... drives his car on the other side of the road, if ya know what I mean. Phoebe Buffay: No, whad'ya mean? He's not British. Joey Tribbiani: Maybe he's. . . gay. Phoebe Buffay: Oohh, um, no, I don't think that's the problem. 'Cause we went, um, dancing the other night and the way he held me so close, and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like... definitely felt something. Rachel Green: Yeah, but how much can you tell from a look? Phoebe Buffay: No, I felt it on my hip. You could tell. Monica Geller: Yo, Bing. Racquetball in 15 minutes. Chandler Bing: Joey, be a pal. Lift up my hand and smack her with it. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, oh, Rachel, don't look. Rachel Green: What? C'mon you guys, I don't care, I have a date tonight. Joey Tribbiani: Woah, woah, woah, you have a date? Rachel Green: Yeah, Monica's settin' me up. Joey Tribbiani: But uh, uh, what about uh, Ross and uh. . .? Rachel Green: Oh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well, y'know, as much fun as that was, I've decided to opt for sanity. Chandler Bing: So you really OK about all this? Rachel Green: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on. He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing. Ross Geller: Hi guys. Everyone: Hey. Ross Geller: Oh, Monica, I figured I'd come by tomorrow morning and pick up Fluffy's old cat toy, OK? Monica Geller: Only if you say his full name. Ross Geller: Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy Meowington's cat toy. Monica Geller: Alright. Joey Tribbiani: You're getting a cat? Ross Geller: Uh, actually, we're getting a cat. Rachel Green: Together? Ross Geller: Uh huh. Rachel Green: Both of you? Ross Geller: Yep. Rachel Green: Together. Julie: Yeah, we figure it'll live with Ross half the time, and with me half the time. Rachel Green: Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really, really, really long time. Ross Geller: Hopefully. Rachel Green: Well. Woah, look at that! I gotta go, I gotta date. With a man. Um, OK, you guys have a really, uh, have a really good night and you two have a, uh, have a, uh, really good cat. OK, we're not supposed to take these when we leave. Michael: I don't know if Monica told you but this is the first date I've gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little nervous, I am. Rachel Green: How long do cats live? Michael: I'm sorry? Rachel Green: Cats, how long do they live figuring you don't... y'know, throw 'em under a bus or something? Michael: Um, maybe 15, 16 years. Rachel Green: That's just great. Michael: Um, cheers. Rachel Green: Oh, right, clink. Michael: Monica told you I was cuter that this, didn't she? Rachel Green: Oh, no, Michael, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's just, it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as it sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend. Michael: Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh. Rachel Green: I mean he just started going out with her. Michael: Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend? Rachel Green: Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, I'm sorry, look at me. OK, Michael, let's talk about you. Michael: Alright. Rachel Green: OK, OK. So, you ever get a pet with a girlfriend? Phoebe Buffay: So, I figured it out. Joey Tribbiani: What? Phoebe Buffay: Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough. Joey Tribbiani: Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said, "Excellent butt, great rack." Phoebe Buffay: Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended but, sweet. Joey Tribbiani: Phoebs look, if you want to know what the deal is, you're just gonna have to ask him. Phoebe Buffay: You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yumm. Rachel Green: I mean, it's a cat, y'know, it's a cat. Why can't they get one of those bugs, y'know, one of those fruitflies, those things that live for like a day or something? What're they called, what're they called, what're they called? Michael: Fruitflies? Rachel Green: Yes! Thank you. Waiter: So, would you like any dessert? Michael: No! No dessert, just a check, please. Rachel Green: Oh, you're not having fun, are you? Michael: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I've been playing the movie Diner in my head. Rachel Green: Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a really great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and his... Julie. I just want to get over him. gosh, why can't I do that? Michael: Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me you're gonna be fine. You just can't see it now because you haven't had any closure. Rachel Green: Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need. God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get that? Michael: Well, you know, there's no one way really, it's just, you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him, "I'm over you." Rachel Green: Closure, that's what it is. Closure. Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, hel. . . woo Guy: Hang on. Rachel Green: Hello, excuse me. Guy: What. Rachel Green: Hi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one minute. Guy: I'm talkin'! Rachel Green: I can see that. I... just one phone call, I'll be very quick, I'll even pay for it myself. OK, you're bein' a little weird about your phone. Guy: Alright, fine. I'll call you back. Rachel Green: Thank you. OK. Machine. Just waiting for the beep. Michael: Good. Rachel Green: Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, you know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. Chandler Bing: No, no, no, no, no, no No. Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday. Monica Geller: Why not? Chandler Bing: Because it's Sunday. It's God's day. Monica Geller: OK, if you say stop, then we stop. Chandler Bing: OK, stop. Monica Geller: No, c'mon, we can't stop, c'mon, we've got three more pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on board. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo Woo. Ross Geller: Hey Rach. Rachel Green: Ahhhh. Ross Geller: Oh. And how was the date? Rachel Green: Umm, I think there was a restaurant... I know there was wine. . . Ross Geller: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toy, did Monica say. . . What? Why, why are you looking at me like that? Rachel Green: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I, I don't remember. Ross Geller: OK. Oh, oh, oh. Rachel Green: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me? Ross Geller: No, I stayed at Julie's last night. Rachel Green: Huh. Ross Geller: Oh, actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages? Rachel Green: Oh yeah, go ahead. Ross Geller: Rach, I got a message from you. Who's Michael? Rachel Green: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . Ross Geller: You're over me? Rachel Green: Ohhhhhhhh God. Ross Geller: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me? Rachel Green: Ohh, ohh. Ross Geller: When, when were you... under me? Rach. Rachel do you, I mean, were you, uh. . . What? Rachel Green: Ohh, OK, OK, OK, well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you. Ross Geller: You've had feelings for me? Rachel Green: Yeah, what, so? You had feelings for me first. Ross Geller: Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you know I had... you know? Rachel Green: Chandler told me. Ross Geller: Chandler. When did he... when did he... when did he? Rachel Green: When you were in China. Ross Geller: China. Rachel Green: Meeting Julie. Ross Geller: Julie. Julie. That. Oh God. Julie, right. OK, I need to lie down. No, ya know, I'm gonna stand. I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna walk, I'm walkin' and I am standing. OK so you uh, and now wha... and now, now, now you're over me? Rachel Green: Are you over me? Ross Geller: That's, that's Julie. Ju... Julie, Julie. Hi Julie. Julie: Hi honey, I've got a cab waiting. Ross Geller: I'll be right down. Rachel Green: Wait, so, you're going? Ross Geller: Well, OK, I uh, I have to. I can't deal with this right now. I mean, I've uh, y'know, I've got a cab, I've got a girlfriend, I'm... I'm gonna go get a cat. Rachel Green: OK, OK. Ross Geller: Cat. Phoebe Buffay: Hey Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Phoebs. Phoebe Buffay: How come you're watching a rabbi play electric guitar? Joey Tribbiani: I can't find the remote. Thank you. Phoebe Buffay: So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I did. Joey Tribbiani: And? Phoebe Buffay: And we did. Joey Tribbiani: All right Phoebs, way to go. Phoebe Buffay: Yay me. Joey Tribbiani: So, so how did it happen? Phoebe Buffay: Well, I finally took your advice and asked him what was going on. Joey Tribbiani: And what did he say? Phoebe Buffay: He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I was gonna get all, y'know, like, 'ohh, is he gonna call me the next day' and, y'know, 'where is this going' and, ya know, blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really serious. Joey Tribbiani: Wow. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, so I said, "OK, relax please," y'know, I mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, y'know, it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I convinced him. Joey Tribbiani: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea. Phoebe Buffay: Um-hum. Joey Tribbiani: This man is my God. Rachel Green: Hi. Ross Geller: I didn't get a cat. Rachel Green: Oh, that's um, interesting. Ross Geller: No, no it's not interesting. OK, it's very, very not interesting. In fact it's actually 100 percent completely opposite of interesting. Rachel Green: Alright, I got it Ross. Ross Geller: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me. Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you. Rachel Green: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie? Ross Geller: Then you should have said something before I met her. Rachel Green: I didn't know then. And how come you never said anything to me. Ross Geller: There was never a good time. Rachel Green: Right, you, you only had a year. We only hung out every night. Ross Geller: Not, not, not every night. You know, and... and it's not like I didn't try, Rachel, but things got in the way, y'know? Like, like Italian guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Italian guys. Rachel Green: Hey, there was one Italian guy, OK, and do you even have a point? Ross Geller: The point is I... I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed. Rachel Green: Yeah, what're you saying, you just sort of put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me? Ross Geller: Hey, I've been doin' it since the ninth grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it. Rachel Green: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross. Ross Geller: Fine. Rachel Green: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship. Ross Geller: Good. Rachel Green: Good. Rachel Green: And ya know what, now I've got closure. Ross Geller: Try the bottom one. Chandler Bing: Monica, it's 6:30 in the morning. We're not working out, it's over. Monica Geller: No way, with one pound to go, c'mon. We're workin', we're movin', we're in the zone we're groovin'. Chandler Bing: OK, I don't, I don't mind the last pound. OK, in fact I kind of like the last pound. OK, so don't make me do anything that I'll regret. Monica Geller: Ooh, what'cha gonna do, fat boy, huh? What? Chandler Bing: Nothing, except tell you, uh, I think it's wonderful how much energy you have. Monica Geller: Well, thanks. Chandler Bing: I mean, especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work. Monica Geller: Well, you know. Chandler Bing: You know, I mean, you can't tell your parents you were fired because they'd be disappointed. Monica Geller: Uh-huh. Chandler Bing: And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to cry on. Monica Geller: Well no, but um. Chandler Bing: I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just getting out of bed at all. Monica Geller: Y'know, I try to stay positive. . . Chandler Bing: So, you feel like goin' for a run? Monica Geller: Alright. Chandler Bing: Because, you know, you don't have to. If you want, you could just take a nap right here. Monica Geller: OK. Just for a little while. Chandler Bing: OK.
Rachel Green: Ross kissed me. Monica Geller: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Rachel Green: It was unbelievable! Monica Geller: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Phoebe Buffay: Ok, all right. We want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues? Rachel Green: Oh, it ended very well. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Monica Geller: Do not start without me. Do not start without me. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing? Rachel Green: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And then, oh, god, and then we just sort of sunk into it. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was his hand like on your back? Rachel Green: No, actually first they started on my waist. And then, they slid up, and then, they were in my hair. Ross Geller: And, uh, and then I kissed her. Joey Tribbiani: Tongue? Ross Geller: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Cool. Chandler Bing: All right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s. Phoebe Buffay: Wow. What are you gonna use it for? Chandler Bing: Games and stuff. Monica Geller: There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me. Joey Tribbiani: Wait, here's one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked? Monica Geller: There's an ad for a naked chef? Joey Tribbiani: No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked. And then... Ross Geller: Hi. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, oh, so, um...how'd you make out last night? Ross Geller: That, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait. Wait, yeah, that's just painful Monica Geller: Wait a minute. I thought last night was great. Ross Geller: Yeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and who cares about me, and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away? Joey Tribbiani: You got all that from saline solution? Monica Geller: We are talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel. Ross Geller: Believe me, I've been dreaming about me and Rachel for ten years now. But now, I'm with Julie, so it's like me and Julie, me and Rachel, me and Julie, me and... ... Rachel. Rachel, Rachel. Rachel Green: Hey, you. Ross Geller: How are you? Rachel Green: Good. How are you? Ross Geller: Good. Julie: Hi, honey. Ross Geller: Hi, Julie. Hi, Julie. Julie, um, how are you? Julie: Good. Ross Geller: Good, so everybody's here. Everybody's good. So, were you gonna play something, Phoebe? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well, actually. Ross Geller: Play it. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, all right. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses. Julie: What? Ross Geller: Ssshh. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so, um, this is a song about a love triangle between three people that I made up. Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night". Phoebe Buffay: There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call Ju...Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide! Mr. Ratstatter: This is a nice resume. Nice, nice, nice. Muy impressivo. Monica Geller: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job entail? The ad wasn't too clear. Mr. Ratstatter: Mockolate. Monica Geller: I'm sorry? Mr. Ratstatter: Mockolate. It's a completely synthetic chocolate substitute. Monica Geller: Ohh. Mr. Ratstatter: Go ahead. Try a piece. Yeah, we think that Mockolate is even better than chocolate. Monica Geller: All right. Mmm-mmm. Mr. Ratstatter: Yeah? Monica Geller: I love how it crumbles. Now see, your chocolate doesn't do that. Mr. Ratstatter: No, ma'am. Well, anyhoo, we should be getting our F.D.A. approval any day now, hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving. See, the way we look at it, chocolate already dominates most of your major food-preparation holidays: Easter, Christmas, what have you. Monica Geller: Mmm-mmm. Mr. Ratstatter: But, we're thinking, given the right marketing, we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday. Monica Geller: Wow. Mr. Ratstatter: Aren't you going to swallow that? Monica Geller: Just waiting for it to stop bubbling. Mr. Ratstatter: Yeah, isn't that great? Monica Geller: Mmm. Mr. Ratstatter: Well, anyhoo, um, we are looking for a couple of chefs who can create some Thanksgiving-themed recipes. You think you might be interested? Monica Geller: Abso... ...lutely. See, I love creating new recipes. I love Thanksgiving. And, well, now, I love Mockolate. Mr. Ratstatter: Really? Monica Geller: Especially the after taste, you know, I'll tell ya, that'll last ya till Christmas. Monica Geller: How about Mockolate mousse? Phoebe Buffay: It's not, it's not very Thanksgiving-y. Monica Geller: Ok, how about pilgrim Mockolate mousse? Phoebe Buffay: What makes it pilgrim? Monica Geller: We'll put buckles on it. Rachel Green: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Monica Geller: Hey. Rachel Green: Did uh, Ross call? Monica Geller: No, I'm sorry. Rachel Green: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Julie, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she's going to be all, "Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me, and we're gonna to get married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff together." Phoebe Buffay: No offense, but that sounds nothing like her. Ross Geller: I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare. Chandler Bing: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, here's a thought, Ross. Chandler Bing: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer. Joey Tribbiani: Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome. Chandler Bing: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column. Ross Geller: Can't we just use a pen? Chandler Bing: No, Amish boy. Joey Tribbiani: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. All right, Rachel first. Ross Geller: I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes. Joey Tribbiani: You could say that. Ross Geller: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're both paleontologists, but Rachel's just a waitress. Chandler Bing: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else? Ross Geller: I don't know. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby. Chandler Bing: Ok, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her? Ross Geller: She's not Rachel. Monica Geller: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served. Rachel Green: Oh my god. Monica Geller: Oh my god good? Rachel Green: Oh my god, I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, oh sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like! Chandler Bing: I'm telling you this thing won't print. Yes, I pressed that button like 100 times. You know, for a hot line you are not so hot. What? What is that in the background? Are you watching Star Trek? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, so how'd it go with Julie? Did you, did you break her heart? Ross Geller: Yes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried. She threw things, they hit me. Anyway, I did the right thing. Chandler Bing: So, Spock actually hugs his father? Rachel Green: Hey, do you guys have... ...hi. Ross Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: Where you goin'? Ross Geller: I uh, I just got back from uh, from Julie's. Rachel Green: Oh. Ross Geller: No, no, uh, it's not what you think. It's um the other thing. Rachel Green: Well, what's the other thing, what do I think? Ross Geller: Well, uh. Joey Tribbiani: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for god's sakes. Rachel Green: Really? Ross Geller: Really. It's always been you, Rach. Rachel Green: Oh, god. Rachel Green: Oh, oh, this is good, this is really good. Ross Geller: I know, I know, it's, it's almost... What do you say we go take a walk, just us, not them? Rachel Green: Let me get my coat. Ross Geller: Ok. No, hey, whoa, whoa, I'll get your coat. Rachel Green: Ok, he's goin' to get my coat. He's goin' to get my coat. Oh my god, you guys. I can't believe this. This is unbelievable. What's that? Chandler Bing: What? Nothing. Rachel Green: What's that? What? I saw my name. What is it? Chandler Bing: No, no, see? See? Hey, it's printing. Hey, it's printing! Rachel Green: Well what is it? Let me see. Ross Geller: Hey, someone order a coat? Rachel Green: Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see. Ross Geller: He won't? He won't! Because, isn't that, isn't that the, the short story you were writing? Chandler Bing: Yes, yes it is, short story, that I was writing. Rachel Green: And I'm in it? Then let me read it. Rachel Green: Come on. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, uh, why don't you read it to her? Chandler Bing: Alright. "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end." Ross Geller: That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world. Rachel Green: All right, you know what? This isn't funny anymore. There's something about me on that piece of paper and I want to see it. Ross Geller: No, you don't. Rachel Green: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it. Rachel Green: What is this? Ross, what is this? Chandler Bing: Good luck. Ross Geller: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am about you, ok? Rachel Green: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled? Ross Geller: Now that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little", the idiot. Rachel Green: Just a waitress? Ross Geller: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Rach? Rachel Green: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles! Ross Geller: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column. Rachel Green: She is not Rachem. What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress. Ross Geller: No, Rach, come on. Rach! Rach, no, no! She's not Rachel, she is, she is not, Ra-Rachel? Chandler Bing: My diary! My diary, that's brilliant. I should have told her it was my diary, she never would have made me read her my diary. Monica Geller: You know, that's true. You'd be a great person to have around the day after an emergency. Phoebe Buffay: I... I cannot believe Ross even made this list. What a dinkus. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler's idea. Phoebe Buffay: What? Monica Geller: What? Chandler Bing: Oh good, I was hoping that would come up. Monica Geller: This was your idea? Phoebe Buffay: What were you thinking? Chandler Bing: All right, let's get some perspective here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason. Monica Geller: Yeah. You! Chandler Bing: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don't you? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle. Ross Geller: Rach! Whoops! Rach, hey, open up, please! Rachel Green: When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means go away. That doesn't mean please climb up the fire escape. Ross Geller: I just wanna read something. It's your pro list. Rachel Green: Not interested. Ross Geller: Ok, ok, number one: The way you cry at game shows. Number two: how much you love your friends. Number three: the way you play with your hair when you're nervous. Number four: how brave you are for starting your life over. Number five: how great you are with Ben. Ross Geller: Number six: the way you smell. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Ross! What are you doin'? Ross Geller: Hey, Joey. You wanna open the window? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah, I do. Chandler Bing: What are you doing out there? Ross Geller: I am, uh, I am... Monica Geller: Oh, you must be freezing. You know what you need? How about a nice steaming cup of hot Mockolate? Ross Geller: Rach, come on, open up. Rach, come on, come on, Rach. You got to give me another chance. Rachel Green: No. Ross Geller: No? Rachel Green: That's what I said. Chandler Bing: Look, maybe we should go? Rachel Green: No, you guys, you really don't have to go, we're done talking. Ross Geller: Rach, come on, look, I know how you must feel. Rachel Green: No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you. Ross Geller: No, but, but I wanna be with you in spite of all those things. Rachel Green: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Ross. I said don't go! Ross Geller: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you. Rachel Green: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list. Joey Tribbiani: I never know how long you're supposed to wait in this type of a situation before you can talk again, you know? Maybe a little longer. Monica Geller: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate. Mr. Ratstatter: Doesn't matter. Monica Geller: What? Mr. Ratstatter: Our FDA approval didn't come through. Something about laboratory rats. Monica Geller: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. Mr. Ratstatter: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check. Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you? Monica Geller: Well, uh, I ate some. Mr. Ratstatter: Oh, some, that's fine. Some is fine. Some is not a lot. So, it doesn't burn when you pee, does it? Monica Geller: Hello? Ross Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin' me down. Monica Geller: Listen, I... I don't think this is the best time. Ross Geller: Look, can, can you do something for me? Monica Geller: Sure, what? Ok, ok. Music? Radio: The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross. Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him. Radio: Uh, we've just gotten a call from Rachel, and she told us what Ross did. It's pretty appalling, and Ross, if you're listening, I don't wanna play your song anymore. Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit you with her car and she hopes you two will work it out. Mr. Ratstatter: Hi, thanks for coming in again. Monica Geller: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the cash. Mr. Ratstatter: It's like I'm lookin' in a mirror. Anyway, they're called "fishtachios". They taste exactly like pistachios, but they're made primarily of reconstituted fish bits. Here, try one. You're not allergic to anything, are you? Monica Geller: Cat hair. Mr. Ratstatter: Oh, sorry.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Chandler Bing: Hey. Rachel Green: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, how much did you guys tip the super this year? Chandler Bing: Yeah, we were gonna give fifty, but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look bad. Monica Geller: Oh, actually this year we just made him homemade cookies. Chandler Bing: And twenty-five it is. Joey Tribbiani: You gave him cookies? Monica Geller: Money is so impersonal. Cookies says someone really cares. . . Alright, we're broke, but cookies do say that. Phoebe Buffay: I can see that. A plate of brownies once told me a limerick. Chandler Bing: Phoebs, let me ask you something, were, were these, uh, funny brownies? Phoebe Buffay: Not especially. But you know what, I think they had pot in them. Ross Geller: So you guys, who else did you tip with cookies? Rachel Green: Uhh, the mailman, the super. Monica Geller: Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy. Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God. Rachel Green: What? Joey Tribbiani: Uhhh, I don't think you're gonna like this. Rachel Green: Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these are cookies smashed in the sports section. Monica Geller: Oh look, and he did my crossword puzzle. Ross Geller: Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is bitemebitemebitemebiteme. Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe it's Christmas already. Ya know, I mean, one day your eatin' turkey, the next thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-layin'. Chandler Bing: Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year. Ross Geller: Hey guys. Ross Geller: Hey Rach. I, uh, got you a little present. . . I'll open it. It's a Slinky! Remember, huh. Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's. . . just a big spring. Alright, you still mad at me becuase of the whole. . . Rachel Green: Horrible and degrading list of reasons not to be with me? Ross Geller: How 'bout from now on we just call it the 'unfortunate incident'? Hey Gunther, you got stairs in your place? Gunther: Yeah. Ross Geller: Here, go nuts. Ross Geller: Hey guys. Chandler Bing: What's in the bag? Ross Geller: Um, just some presents. Joey Tribbiani: C'mon show us what you bought. . . You know you want to. Ross Geller: OK. OK, this is a picture frame from Ben to my parents, huh. Monica Geller: Cute. Ross Geller: I got some, uh, hers and hers towels for Susan and Carol. And, uh, I got this blouse for mom. Monica Geller: Ross, that is gorgeous! Ross Geller: Yeah? Monica Geller: Look at these authentic fake medals. I tell ya, mom's gonna be voted best dressed at the make-believe military academy. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Gang: Hey. Hi Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: Happy Christmas Eve Eve. Oh my God, where did you get this? Ross Geller: Uh, Macy's, third floor, home furnishings. Phoebe Buffay: This is my father, this is a picture of my dad. Chandler Bing: Nah, Phoebs, that's the guy that comes in the frame. Phoebe Buffay: No it isn't, this is my dad, alright, I'll show you. Rachel Green: Phoebe, I thought your dad was in prison. Phoebe Buffay: No, that's my stepdad. My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born. Rachel Green: How have you never been on Oprah? Phoebe Buffay: OK, look, see, this is him. My mother gave me this picture before she died, same guy. Monica Geller: Honey, uh, this is a picture of the frame guy posing in front of a bright blue screen with a collie. Phoebe Buffay: It's not a blue screen... it's just, maybe it was just really clear that day. OK, I have to talk to my grandmother. Monica Geller: Oh, wait a minute honey. Gang: Phoebs. Monica Geller: Wow. Joey Tribbiani: So anyway, I'm trying to get my boss's ex-wife to sleep with me. . . Gang: Joey! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, but when Phoebe has a problem, everyone's all ears! Grandmother: Esther Livingston. Gone. Grandmother: Hi, Phoe. Phoebe Buffay: Hi Gram. Whatcha doin'? Grandmother: Oh, just updating the phonebook. Phoebe Buffay: Um, gram, um, can I see the pictures of my dad again? Grandmother: Oh. Oh, sure, sure, uh, uh, how come? Phoebe Buffay: Just, you know, to see... um. Grandmother: Oh, sure, yeah. This is the one of you father in a meadow, and, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite, and here he is at a graduation. . . another graduation. . . another graduation. Phoebe Buffay: OK, is this really my father? Grandmother: Is it really your fa-I can't... well of course it is. Phoebe Buffay: OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that's 'cause someone's pants are on fire. Grandmother: Look, I. . . Phoebe Buffay: Ya know, in all the years that we have been grandmother and granddaughter, you have never lied to me. Grandmother: Alright, that is not your father, that's just a picture of a guy in a frame. Phoebe Buffay: Oh God. Grandmother: It was your mother's idea. Ya know, she didn't want you to know your real father because it hurt her so much when he left, and, I didn't want to go along with it, but, well then she died and, and it was harder to argue with her. Not impossible, but harder. Phoebe Buffay: Alright, so, what, he's not a famous tree surgeon? And then, I guess, OK, he doesn't live in a hut in Burma where there's no phones? Grandmother: Last I heard, he was a pharmacist somewhere upstate. Phoebe Buffay: OK, that makes no sense. Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist? Grandmother: Honey. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Grandmother: Anyway, that's all I know. That, and this. This is the real him. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Chandler Bing: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up. Rachel Green: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas. Chandler Bing: Who said anything about Christmas? Monica Geller: Hi. Ross Geller: Hey, anyone hear from Phoebe yet? Rachel Green: No, nothin'. Monica Geller: I hope she's OK. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I know exactly what she's goin' through. Monica Geller: How do you know exactly what she's going through? Joey Tribbiani: She told us. Chandler Bing: So whaddya got there Monica? Monica Geller: Just some stuff for the party. Ross Geller: Yeah, what're you guys doin' here, aren't you supposed to be Christmas shopping? Monica Geller: You guys haven't gotten your presents yet? Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, what're ya gonna do? Chandler Bing: Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that? Rachel Green: Oh, by the way Mon, I don't think the mailman liked your cookies. Here are the ornaments your mom sent. Monica Geller: Well, maybe the mailman liked the cookies, we just didn't give him enough. Joey Tribbiani: Monica, pigeons learn faster that you. Ross Geller: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I know what'll make you feel better. How 'bout you make a list about me. Rachel Green: Wha... forget it Ross, no, I am not gonna stand here and make a list of. . . Ross Geller: C'mon Rachel. Rachel Green: OK, you're whiney, you are, you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're gutless, you know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know. You like me for what, a year, you didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair. Ross Geller: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said. Rachel Green: Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do feel better, thank you Ross. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have the number of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in Ithica. . . alright, um, Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you shouldn't call youself information. Grandmother: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Hello grandma, if that is in fact your real name. Grandmother: C'mon now Phoe, don't still be mad at me. How's it going? Phoebe Buffay: Well, not so good. Upstate's pretty big, he's pretty small, you do the math. Grandmother: Well, I think you're better off without him. Oh honey, I know he's your daddy but, but to me he's still the irresponsible creep who knocked up your mom and stole her Gremlin. Phoebe Buffay: No I just, just wanted to know who he was, ya know. Grandmother: I know. OK, I wasn't completely honest with you when I told you that, uh, I didn't know exactly where he lived. Phoebe Buffay: Whattaya mean? Grandmother: He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far. You can take my cab. Phoebe Buffay: Wow. Thank you. Grandmother: Now, remember, nobody else drives that cab. Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'm gonna see my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa! Commercial Joey Tribbiani: Phoebe here with the cab yet? Chandler Bing: Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab. . . hop in. Joey Tribbiani: Well she better get here soon, the outlet stores close at 7. Chandler Bing: Hey, don't worry. I figure it'll be 2 hours to Phoebe's dad's house, they'll meet, they'll chat, they'll swap life stories, we'll still have plenty of time. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, here she comes. Chandler Bing: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Can you believe this. In, like, two hours I'm gonna have a dad. Eeeshk. Chandler Bing: Eeeshk. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, big stuff. Phoebe Buffay: OK, let's go. Chandler Bing: OK. Phoebe Buffay: Alright, here, you have to hold this. Chandler Bing: OK. Brake left, gas right? Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, yeah, that's my cheat sheet. Chandler Bing: Where's my seat belt? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, no no, that side doesn't have one, the paramedics had to cut through it. Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Ross Geller: C'mon, just tell me, please, please. Monica Geller: For the sixteenth time, no... I do not think you're obsessive. Rachel Green: Oh, gosh, it's hot in here. Monica Geller: Rach, get the heat. Ross, could you turn the heat down please? Ross Geller: Sure. By the way, there's a difference between being obsessive and. . . Monica Geller: Ross, the heat! Ross Geller: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm the obsessive one. OK, this way is on, so this is. . . off. Rachel Green: Did you just break the radiator? Ross Geller: No, no, I was turnin' the knob and, and. . . here it is. Monica Geller: Well put it back. Ross Geller: It uhh, it won't go back. Rachel Green: I'll call the super. Monica Geller: Here, let me try. Ross Geller: Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your ability to fuse metal. Monica Geller: Hey, it's Funny's cousin, Not Funny. Rachel Green: Hi, Mr. Treeger. Hi, it's Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes, somebody, uh, broke our knob on the radiator and it's really hot in here. Yes, it's, it's hot enough to bake cookies. Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6? Wha t, no, no, Tuesday, we can't wait until Tuesday, we're having a party tonight. Ross Geller: OK, tip the man. Monica Geller: No, if he doesn't like our cookies, too bad, I am not gonna be blackmailed. Look if worse comes to worse, it gets a little warm, we'll call it a theme party. Ross Geller: Hey, here's a theme: Come on in, live like bacon. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, this is it, 74. Chandler Bing: Oh, so that's what this is for. Phoebe Buffay: Wow, this is it, I'm gonna meet my dad. This is like the biggest thing ever, huh. Chandler Bing: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Sure is. Phoebe Buffay: OK, here I go. I'm goin' in. Chandler Bing: Alright. Joey Tribbiani: Good luck Phoebs. Phoebe Buffay: OK, here I go. . . here I go. . . I'm goin'. Rachel Green: Hi, welcome to our tropical Christmas party. You can put your coats and sweaters and pants and shirts in the bedroom. Ross Geller: It's hard to tell because I'm sweating, but I use exactly what the gel bottle says, an amount about the size of a pea. How, how can that be too much? Monica Geller: Ice, ice, ice squares anyone? Take a napkin. Alright. Ross Geller: Monica, Monica, your guest are turning into jerky, OK. Monica Geller: Really? I'm perfectly comfortable. Hey, hey, hey, get in line buddy, I was next. Rachel Green: Mr. Treeger. Mr. Treeger: Uhh, you said there was a party. Rachel Green: Oh, yeah, well hey, welcome to our sauna. Mr. Treeger: Ahh, is it hot? My body always stays cool, probably 'cause I have so much skin. Hey, cheese! Ross Geller: Alright, alright, here's the chance. Monica give him cash, Rachel give him your earrings. Something, now, anything. Monica Geller: No, I will not cave. Rachel Green: Yeah, I'm with Mon. Ross Geller: Alright, alright, you know how you say I never seize the day? Well, alright, even though he's your super, I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger, here is 50 bucks, merry Christmas. Mr. Treeger: Oh wow, I didn't get you anything. Here's five back. Ross Geller: No no, no, that, that's your Christmas tip, alright. Oh, hey, do you think there's a chance you could fix that radiator now? Mr. Treeger: No can do, like I told the girl, I can't get a new knob until Thursday. Monica Geller: Ross. Ross Geller: Yeah. Monica Geller: Looks like he's playin' baseball. Ross Geller: You mean hardball? Monica Geller: Whatever. Rachel Green: What'cha gonna' do? Ross Geller: Excuse me, I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger, here's another 50, happy Hanukkah. Will uh, will this help with the knob getting? Mr. Treeger: No, the place is not open 'till Tuesday. Am I not saying it right. Monica Geller: So, wait, you really did like my cookies? Mr. Treeger: Oh, yeah, they were so personal, really showed you cared. Rachel Green: Nice seizing. . . gel boy. Mr. Treeger: So, uh, is this, uh, mistletoe? Rachel Green: Huh-huh, no act-no, uhh, that, that is basil. Mr. Treeger: Ahh, if it was mistletoe, I was gonna kiss ya. Rachel Green: Huh-hoo, yeah, no, it's still basil. Phoebe Buffay: OK. Joey Tribbiani: How far'd ya get? Phoebe Buffay: Mailbox. Chandler Bing: Alright, we're gettin' closer. Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh. Joey Tribbiani: Phoebs, what's goin' on? Phoebe Buffay: No, it's just like, ya know, it's a whole mess of stuff, ya know. It's like, yesterday, ya know, my dad was this, like, famous Burma tree surgeon guy and, ya know, now he's a, a pharmacist guy and. . . Joey Tribbiani: Well, maybe he's, maybe he's this really cool pharmacist guy. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know, and, and I'll knock on the door and, and he'll hug me and I'll have a dad. Ya know and I'll, I'll go to his pharmacy and everyone will be really nice to me 'cause, you know, I'm Franks daughter. Chandler Bing: Well, so why not go knock? Phoebe Buffay: Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, what if he's not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what if he's just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I've already lost a fake dad this week and I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one. Joey Tribbiani: Phoebs, that's OK. You took a big step today. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? Chandler Bing: Yeah, and someday when you're ready, you'll make it past the hedges. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, and when you do, he'll be lucky to have you. Phoebe Buffay: You guys. I'm sorry about your shopping. Chandler Bing: Oh, that's OK, we'll figure something out. Joey Tribbiani: Uh, listen Phoebs, I know you're not goin' in there but do you think it'd be alright if I went in and used his bathroom? Oh, that's fine, never mind. Cool, snow, kinda like a blank canvas. Chandler Bing: Ho, ho, ho, holy crap is it hot in here! Joey Tribbiani: Really, hey, you mind if I turn the heat down? Monica Geller: Hey, we could have used that kind of thinkin' earlier. Ross Geller: Hey, Phoebs, how'd it go. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I couldn't go in. Monica Geller: Honey, I'm sorry. Ross Geller: Are you OK? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, yeah, no it's OK 'cause, I mean, I know he's there, so, that's enough for now. Chandler Bing: Hey, guys, it's after midnight, merry Christmas everyone. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Monica, the knob was broken so I just turned it off from underneath, I hope that's alright. Joey Tribbiani: Rach, these are for you. Rachel Green: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car. Joey Tribbiani: No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do. Chandler Bing: OK, Phoebs, your turn. Phoebe Buffay: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas? Joey Tribbiani: Uh-huh. Phoebe Buffay: You guuuyys. Joey Tribbiani: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth. Ross Geller: You got me a cola drink? Chandler Bing: And, a lemon lime. Ross Geller: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater. Chandler Bing: And last but not least. Joey Tribbiani: They're ribbed for your pleasure.
Joey Tribbiani: When I was little, I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff. Ross Geller: Hiiiiii. Phoebe Buffay: Are... are you OK? Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work. A stegosaurus fell over and trapped a kid. Whoa, whoa, I know this jacket, this is, th-Fun Bobby's jacket! Where is he, what. He, he's here, isn't he? Monica Geller: Maybe. Ross Geller: Don't toy with me. Bobby Rush: Geller! Ross Geller: Hey, Fun Bobby! Bobby Rush: Hey. Whoa, hey, you've been working out, huh? Ross Geller: Not at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so psyched to hear you're back with my sister! Monica Geller: You and me both. Bobby Rush: Hey, so what'd I miss, what'd I miss, c'mon? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, we were just trying to make Joey feel better. Bobby Rush: Hey, do you need me to pick you up? Joey Tribbiani: No, I'm alright man. Really. Bobby Rush: No, I'm picking you up. Joey Tribbiani: Hey no, seriously, I don't need you to pick me... Alright! It still works. Bobby Rush: OK, now before I go, does anybody else need to be picked up? I'm still gonna go. Monica Geller: OK, I'll see you later babe. Bobby Rush: Uh, public display of affection coming up. You can avert your eyes. Bobby Rush: See ya. Everyone: Bye! See you later! Phoebe Buffay: Fun Bobby is so great. Monica Geller: Oh, isn't he? Oh, you know, I really think this time it may work with him. I mean, he just makes me feel so good and I've been feeling so lousy this last couple of months, no job, no boyfriend. Well, at least my cup is half full. Phoebe Buffay: Half full of looooovvvvve. Monica Geller: And for our two-week anniversary, he's gonna take me to his cousin's cabin for the weekend. Phoebe Buffay: Cabin of loooooovvvvve. Rachel Green: We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys. Monica Geller: Really? I only had two glasses. Joey Tribbiani: I just had a glass. Phoebe Buffay: Two. Rachel Green: I had one glass. Chandler Bing: I had about a mugful in this lovely 'I got boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug. Rachel Green: OK, so that's... that's what, two bottles? And yet somehow we went through five? Ross Geller: Oooooh. Joey Tribbiani: Ooooooh. Monica Geller: So what. So he drank a lot tonight. Ross Geller: Yeah but, you know, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a... a drink in his hand. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Oh, OOOH, yeah, you know, did you notice how he always starts his stories with, um, OK, 'I was soooo wasted,' or, 'Oh, we were soooo bombed,' or, ummm, ooh, ooh, 'So I wake up, and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut.' Joey Tribbiani: Monica, have you ever been with him when he wasn't drinking? Monica Geller: Well, we just happen to go to alot of places where you might drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having a drink? Or... or to a club, or to the... zoo. Monica Geller: Rach, does this have nonfat milk? Rachel Green: Ehhhummmm, I don't know, why don't you taste it. Monica Geller: Mmmm, no. Rachel Green: Oh well, too late, sorry, you already had some. Bobby Rush: Whattaya say we make these, uh, coffees Irish? Phoebe Buffay: Um, cake. Rachel Green: Yeah, we're gonna... we're gonna get some cake. Monica Geller: You know what? It seems like you've been making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately. Bobby Rush: Well, I would make them Belgian, but the waffles are hard to get into that flask. Monica Geller: Bobby. Bobby Rush: Yeah, OK. Monica Geller: Look, maybe this is none of my business, or maybe it is, I don't know... but, uh, I'm kind of worried about you. Bobby Rush: OK, look, this isn't the first time somebody's said something to me about this, but, I don't know... I always made excuses about it, like... uhhh... 'I'm just a social drinker,' or, 'C'mon, it's Flag Day.' Monica Geller: So, what are you saying now? Bobby Rush: I guess I'm saying, I'll try and quit. I kinda like that you worry about me. Phoebe Buffay: Sooo, what's goin' on, huh? Bobby Rush: I am gonna try and quit drinking. Phoebe Buffay: Ooohh, why? Chandler Bing: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Monica Geller: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Chandler Bing: Guess who's back in show business. Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, ohh, Lorne Green? Chandler Bing: No, no, Phoebs. You know why? Cause he's dead. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, no. Chandler Bing: OK, I guess this is gonna seem kinda bittersweet now, but... Joey, that's who. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, my agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme. Chandler Bing: Hey, yeah... we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia. Phoebe Buffay: Hey Rach, what time do you get off? We're all gonna do something tonight. Rachel Green: Ummmm... well, actually I'm already done, but I...I kinda got plans. Monica Geller: You have other friends? Rachel Green: Yeah... I, uhh... I have a... I have a date. Monica Geller: What? Joey Tribbiani: With a man? Rachel Green: What? What is so strange about me having a date? Joey Tribbiani: What about Ross? I mean, are you still mad at him cause he made that list about you? Rachel Green: Noooo, no, I'm not mad at him. I'm.. I'm not really anything at him anymore. Monica Geller: What are you talking about? Rachel Green: I don't know. Whatever I was feeling, I'm... not. Phoebe Buffay: But you guys came so close. Rachel Green: Oh, I know, I'm sorry you guys. You're just gonna have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross. Rachel Green: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this is Russ. Russ: Hhhhiiiii. Estelle Leonard: Stop saying you're not talented, you're very talented. It's just with the bird dead and all, there's very little act left. Oh, honey, give me a break, will ya? Oooh, ooh, I'll talk to you later. Estelle Leonard: Well, there's my favorite client. So tell me darling, how was the audition? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I think it went pretty well. I.. I got a callback for Thursday. Estelle Leonard: Joey, have you ever seen me ecstatic? Joey Tribbiani: No. Estelle Leonard: Well, here it is. Joey Tribbiani: OK, uh... listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. The network casting lady... Estelle Leonard: Oh, isn't Lori a doll? Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, yeah, she's great, but... I kinda got the feeling that she was sort of... coming on to me. And I definitely would get the part if I would've... you know... if I would have sent the Little General in. Estelle Leonard: Oh, I see. Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here and we'll find out what's goin' on and straighten it out. Yeah, hi, Lori please. Hi darling. So how 'bout Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver, isn't he terrific? Uh-huuuuh. Uh-huuuuh. OK, doll. Talk to you later. Yeah, you're gonna have to sleep with her. Rachel Green: What's the matter? Monica Geller: It's Fun Bobby. Rachel Green: What, isn't he sober? Monica Geller: Oh, he's sober alright. Just turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason. Rachel Green: Ohhh, OK. Monica Geller: Alright, here you go, sweetie. Bobby Rush: Thanks. You wanna hear something funny? Monica Geller: Oh God, yes! Bobby Rush: There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village. Phoebe Buffay: That is funny. Bobby Rush: I needed to buy a hammer the other night, and I'm out walkin' around the neighborhood but apparently there are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village. Monica Geller: Ahhh, hey honey? Don't you have to be at your interview now? Bobby Rush: Oh yeah. See you guys. Chandler Bing: Bye... ridiculously dull Bobby. Monica Geller: Oh... my... God. Phoebe Buffay: It's not that bad. Monica Geller: Not that bad? Did you hear the hammer story? Phoebe Buffay: OK, OK, don't get all squinky. Rachel Green: Maybe it was just the kind of story where you have to be there. Monica Geller: But I'm gonna be there... for the rest of my life. I mean, I can't break up with him. I'm the one who made him quit drinking. He's dull because of me. Phoebe Buffay: Alright, don't say that. He's probably always been dull. You just, you know, set it free. Russ: Hi. Chandler Bing: Hey Ross... bahhhh! Rachel Green: Hi Russ, I've just got two more tables to clean and then we'll go, OK? Russ: OK, I'll just sit here and... uh... chat with your, uh... friend-type...people. Phoebe Buffay: Rachel? Um, hi. Rachel Green: Hi. Phoebe Buffay: OK, so, you know what you're doing, right? Rachel Green: Uhh... waitressing? Phoebe Buffay: Well, yeah, but... no. I mean, umm... doesn't... doesn't Russ just remind you of someone? Rachel Green: Huh, Bob Saget? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah! No, no, no, no, oh, oh. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, my, oh! Ross Geller: What? What's wrong? Phoebe Buffay: I, OK... Monica Geller: She's just upset because she, uh, she buttered a spider into her toast this morning. Ross Geller: Alright. Chandler Bing: Listen, Phoebs, this is gonna be OK. Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross. Russ: Hi. Ross Geller: Hi. Russ: Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's? Ross Geller: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of Rachel's? Russ: Actually, I'm a... kind of a... you know, a... date-type... thing... of Rachel's. Ross Geller: A date. Russ: Yeah, I'm her date. Ross Geller: Oh, oh, you're... uh... you're, oh you're the date. Chandler Bing: You know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare. Russ: Oh, you are the, uh... paleontologist. Ross Geller: Yes, yes I am. And you are a... Russ: Periodontist. Monica Geller: See? They're as different as night and... later that night. Ross Geller: Well, I am going to, uh... get a beverage. It was nice, nice... uh... meeting you. Russ: Ditto. Ross Geller: I, uh, well... I... I met Russ. Rachel Green: Oh. Ross Geller: Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people. Rachel Green: Well, we're not seeing each other, so... Ross Geller: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a... well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal... Rachel Green: Well, yeah, this is the deal. Ross Geller: OK, well, um, have a nice evening. Rachel Green: Um, Russ, you ready? Russ: Yeah. Rachel Green: Bye. Monica Geller: Bye. Phoebe Buffay: Bye. Ross Geller: She's dating. She's dating. Chandler Bing: Yes, yes, but did you see who she was dating? Ross Geller: What do you mean? Monica Geller: Do you not see it? Ross Geller: See what? I don't know what she sees in... innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like... like... I don't know, uhh... uhhh, hello... a... week, to get out a sentence. Chandler Bing: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it? Ross Geller: ...Yeah. Chandler Bing: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Chandler Bing: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part, or... uh, Italy called and said it was hungry. Joey Tribbiani: Well, the part's mine if I want it. Chandler Bing: Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, if I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady. Chandler Bing: Oh my... God? Joey Tribbiani: Ten years I've been waiting for a break like this Chandler, ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives. That's actually on television. Chandler Bing: So, what're you gonna do? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I guess I could sleep with her... I mean, how could I do that? Chandler Bing: Well, I... I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I need to know. Joey Tribbiani: I've never slept with someone for a part. Chandler Bing: Well is she... Joey Tribbiani: Sorry. Chandler Bing: It's alright. Is she good-looking? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, she's totally good looking. I mean, if I met her in a bar, or something, I'd be buying her breakfast. You know, after having slept with her. Chandler Bing: Y'know, maybe this isn't such a big deal. Y'know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job and you get to have sex. Y'know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas. Joey Tribbiani: I just... I just don't think that I want it that way though, y'know? I mean, let's say I do make it, alright? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of.. y'know, the Little General. Chandler Bing: Didn't you used to call it the Little Major? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it. Waiter: Can I get you something from the bar? Monica Geller: Yes, I would like something. No, no thank you. Bobby Rush: If... if you want to drink, it's OK with me, I've got to get used to it. Monica Geller: No, no really. I.. I wouldn't feel right about it. Just some water. Bobby Rush: So the light went out in my refrigerator... Monica Geller: I'd like a scotch on the rocks with a twist. Chandler Bing: Hey, we're having some fun now, huh, Ross? Wanna do another one, huh Russ? OK... eleven letters, atomic element number 101... ends in ium. Russ: Dysprosium. Ross Geller: Dysprosium? Try mendelevium. Chandler Bing: And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine-down, Knights in White Satin was sung by the Doody Blues. Phoebe Buffay: You don't see it? You actually don't see it? Rachel Green: What? Phoebe Buffay: OK honey, you're dating Ross. Rachel Green: No, Phoebs. I'm dating Russ. Phoebe Buffay: Russ is Ross. Russ... Ross! Rachel Green: Steve... sleeve! Phoebe Buffay: OK, noone is named Sleeve. Rachel Green: Phoebe, what the hell are you talking about? Other than their names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing. Ross Geller: For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark. Russ: You could not be more wrong. You could try... but you would not be successful. Chandler Bing: OK, I'm gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins. Russ: I know what your problem is. Ross Geller: Oh you do, do you? Russ: Um-hum, you're jealous. Ross Geller: Of... of what? Russ: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor. Ross Geller: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma. Russ: Hey, you listen. Ross Geller: No, no, let me finish. Russ: No, let me finish. Ross Geller: No, you let me fini... Ross Geller: Hi. Russ: Hi. Rachel Green: Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww! Rachel Green: Did Joey say what he was gonna go when he left? Chandler Bing: No, I don't even think he knew. Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job? Rachel Green: I don't know. Who would I have to sleep with? Chandler Bing: Me. Rachel Green: Why would I have to sleep with you? Chandler Bing: It's my game. You want the job or not? Chandler Bing: Hey. Monica Geller: Morning. Ross Geller: Where ya goin'? Monica Geller: Bobby and I are going away for the weekend, remember? Ross Geller: Ooooohhhh. Phoebe Buffay: What's with all the bottles of liquor? Ross Geller: What's going on, is... uh, Bobby drinking again? Monica Geller: Oh no no, this is not for him, this is for me. That way he's still sober but I find his stories about shoelaces much more amusing. Rachel Green: Oh God, even his knock is boring. Monica Geller: Hi. I'll be ready in just a second. Bobby Rush: Uh, can I talk to you a minute? Monica Geller: Sure. Bobby Rush: This is really hard for me to say. Monica Geller: Oh God, you fell off the wagon. Bobby Rush: Oh, no, no, it's about you. Monica Geller: What about me? Bobby Rush: I think you may have a drinking problem. Monica Geller: What these? Oh, these are, um, for.. cuts and scrapes. Bobby Rush: Look, I am just not strong enough to be in a codependent relationship right now, OK? Monica Geller: Oh... shoot. Bobby Rush: Well, anyway, I hope we can be friends. Monica Geller: OK. Monica Geller: Take care. Bobby Rush: You too. Rachel Green: What happened? Monica Geller: Well we... we kinda broke up. Gang: Awwwwwwww. Monica Geller: Does anybody want these? Chandler Bing: I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Gang: Hey! Ross Geller: How'd the callback go? Joey Tribbiani: It was unbelievable! I walked in there and she was all over me. Chandler Bing: So what'd you do? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I couldn't do it. I told her I didn't want to get the part that way. Ross Geller: Good for you. Joey Tribbiani: But wait, wait, wait. Then, after I left her office, she caught up with me at the elevator and offered me an even bigger part. Phoebe Buffay: So... and? Joey Tribbiani: Soooooo... you are now looking at Dr. Drake Ramore, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least four episodes! Gang: Allright! Joey Tribbiani: Alright... I've got to go shower. Russ: Hi. Chandler Bing: Oh, hey. Phoebe Buffay: Hi. Russ: I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me. Chandler Bing: Yeah, I'm sorry man. Russ: Oh, all she said was that I remind her too much of somebody. You have any idea who she's talking about? Phoebe Buffay: Oh I do, it's... it's Bob Saget. She hates him. Russ: Oh. Julie: Hey. Chandler Bing: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey, Julie! Hey, how are you doing? Julie: Um, oh, I don't know. I mean, it's definitely weird not being with Ross, but I guess I'm doing OK. Actually I've got some of his stuff that he, um...
Ross Geller: Ok. Here's his diaper bag, and his uh, Mr. Winky, and uh...oh, him. Hi! Carol Willick: So how did everything go? Ross Geller: Oh, great. Great. There was a projectile, uh, throwing up incident, but he started it. Carol Willick: Well, we've gotta go. Ross Geller: Ok. Susan Bunch: Carol Willick: Oh, right. Um, I've got some news. It's about us. Ross Geller: Oh, you and me? Carol Willick: Uh, no, Susan and me. Susan Bunch: The other us. Ross Geller: Ok. Carol Willick: We're uh, we're getting married. Ross Geller: As in, "I now pronounce you wife and wife" married? Carol Willick: Anyway, we'd like you to come, but we totally understand if you don't want to. Ross Geller: Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding. Carol Willick: Look I just thought that... Ross Geller: No no no, I mean, hey, why shouldn't I be happy for you? What would it say about me if I couldn't revel in your joy? I'm revelling baby, believe me! Susan Bunch: Is your finger caught in that chair? Ross Geller: Mmm hmmm. Carol Willick: Want us to go? Ross Geller: Uh-huh. Ross Geller: This is so cool. You're actually gonna be on television. Joey Tribbiani: It really hit me last night. I'm gonna be on Days of our Lives. And then I started thinkin' about all of u, and how these are the days of our lives.. Monica Geller: Yes! Carol and Susan's caterer had a mountain bike accident this weekend, and she's in a full body cast. Monica Geller: They want me to do it, which is really cool, seeing as I've never catered before, and I really need the money, and this isn't a problem for you, is it? Ross Geller: Would it matter? Monica Geller: Oh, you are so great! Thank you! Joey Tribbiani: Are you really not going? Ross Geller: I am really not going. I don't get it. They already live together, why do they need to get married? Monica Geller: They love each other, and they wanna celebrate that love with the people that are close with them. Ross Geller: If you wanna call that a reason. Chandler Bing: Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor. Monica Geller: Ross, I thought you were over this. Ross Geller: Look, that has nothing to do with this, ok? She's my ex-wife. If she were marrying a guy, none of you'd expect me to be there. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be like the worst lesbian ever. Rachel Green: Did I miss it? Did I miss it? Joey Tribbiani: No, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself. Chandler Bing: Whoa, she's pretty. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, and she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting. Rachel Green: I'm sorry, what? Monica Geller: What? Joey Tribbiani: It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this. Chandler Bing: Oh, ok. Joey Tribbiani: There's my scene, there's my scene. "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon. Mrs. Wallace: Is she gonna be all right? Joey Tribbiani: I'm afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..subcranial hematoma. Perhaps we can discuss this over coffee. Chandler Bing: Nice! Rachel Green: That's great! Ross Geller: Excellent! Chandler Bing: For a minute there I thought you were actually tryin' to smell something. Ross Geller: That is so good! Do it again! Joey Tribbiani: All right, all right. "Damnit Braverman, it's right there on the chart!" Chandler Bing: That's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect. Ross Geller: No no, that's me. Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah. Ross Geller: Oh, hello. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, thanks. I couldn't uh... Ross Geller: Is everything ok? Phoebe Buffay: Um, no, huh-uh. One of my clients died on the massage table today. Ross Geller: Oh my god. Chandler Bing: That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, um, she was 82 years old. Her name was um, Mrs. Adelman. Monica Geller: Oh, honey. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, it's just so strange. I mean, she probably woke up today and thought, "ok, I'll have some breakfast, and then I'll take a little walk, and then I'll have my massage." Little did she know God was thinking, "Ok, but that's it." Oh, but the weirdest thing was, ok, I was cleansing her aura when she died, and when the spirit left her body, I don't think it went very far. Rachel Green: What do you mean? Phoebe Buffay: I think it went into me. Monica Geller: God, this is so hard. I can't decide between lamb or duck. Chandler Bing: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks. Rachel Green: Ok, who ordered what? Ross Geller: Oh, I believe I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim. Chandler Bing: Yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf? Rachel Green: Oh god. Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe you're so uptight about your mom comin'. Rachel Green: I know, but it's just it's the first time, and I just don't want her to think that because I didn't marry Barry, that my life is total crap, you know? Phoebe Buffay: Talk about crap. Try listening to Stella Niedman tell the story of her and Rod Steiger for the hundredth time. Joey Tribbiani: Uh, Pheebs, how long do you think this lady'll be with us? Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. I mean, she obviously has some kind of unfinished business. Sit up! Sandra Green: There she is. Rachel Green: Mom! Sandra Green: Sweetie! So this is where you work? Oh, it's wonderful! Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who can tell? But I guess that's the fun. Rachel Green: Pretty much. Sandra Green: Monica! You look gorgeous! Last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten. Rachel Green: This is Joey, and Phoebe, and this is Chandler, and you remember Ross. Sandra Green: Oh hello, Ross. Ross Geller: Hi, Mrs. Green. Sandra Green: So, what do you think of my daughter in the apron with the big job? Rachel Green: Oh Mom! Sandra Green: If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink. Chandler Bing: Believe me, sometimes that happens. Sandra Green: This is just so exciting. You know, I never worked. I went straight from my father's house to the sorority house to my husband's house. I am just so proud of you. Rachel Green: Really? Sandra Green: Yes. Phoebe Buffay: I know who it is you remind me of. Evelyn Dermer. 'Course, that's before she got the lousy face lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales. Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs, who's Evelyn Dermer? Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. Who's Soupy Sales? Sandra Green: Oh my god, there's an unattractive nude man playing the cello. Rachel Green: Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument. Sandra Green: You have some life here, sweetie. Rachel Green: I know. And Mom, I realize you and Daddy were upset when I didn't marry Barry and get the big house in the suburbs with all the security and everything, but this is just so much better for me, you know? Sandra Green: I do. You didn't love Barry. And I've never seen you this happy. I look at you and I think, oh, this is what I want. Rachel Green: For...me. Sandra Green: Well, not just for you. Rachel Green: Well, what do you mean? Sandra Green: I'm uh, considering leaving your father. Monica Geller: All right. Tell me if this is too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts. Rachel Green: Oh god. I think I'm gonna be sick. Monica Geller: Why? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them. Ross Geller: And you had no idea they weren't getting along? Rachel Green: None. Joey Tribbiani: They didn't fight a lot? Rachel Green: No! They didn't even talk to each other. God, how was I supposed to know they were having problems? Phoebe Buffay: In my day, divorce was not an option. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, look who's up. Rachel Green: I just can't believe this is happening. I mean, when I was little, everybody's parents were getting divorced. I just figured as a grownup I wouldn't have to worry about this. Monica Geller: Is there any chance that you can look at this as flattering? I mean, she's doing it because she wants to be more like you. Rachel Green: Well, then, you know, couldn't she have just copied my haircut? Chandler Bing: You know, it's funny when my parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves. But in your case it's actually kinda true. Phoebe Buffay: That's him. Chandler Bing: Damn. My mail order grandfather hasn't come yet. Mr. Adelman: Phoebe? Phoebe Buffay: Yes, hi, Mr. Adelman. Thanks for meeting me. Mr. Adelman: Oh, that's all right, although you did cut into my busy day of sitting. Phoebe Buffay: Um, do you wanna sit? Mr. Adelman: Oh, no, please, I spent most of mid-morning trying to stand up. Now uh, what can I do for you, my dear? Phoebe Buffay: I don't know how to say this, but I think when your wife's spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me. Mr. Adelman: You're saying, my wife is in you? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Ok, you don't have to believe me but um, can you think of any unfinished business she might have had, like any reason she'd be hanging around? Mr. Adelman: Well, I don't know what to tell you dear. The only thing I can think of is that she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything. Phoebe Buffay: Everything? Mr. Adelman: Everything. Phoebe Buffay: Whoa, that's a lot of stuff. Mr. Adelman: Oh, wait, I remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time. Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, there's laughing in my head. Mr. Adelman: Worth a shot, huh? Sandra Green: Look at this. Rachel Green: These are from Halloween three years ago. Sandra Green: Oh, look, here's Barry. Did he have to come straight from the office? Rachel Green: No, that was his costume. See, he's actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist. Monica Geller: Um, you guys, you know when I said before, "thank you, but I don't really need your help"? Rachel Green: Actually, what I think you said was, "don't touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen." Monica Geller: Really? Weird. Anyway, see, I planned everything really well. I planned and I planned and I planned. It just turns out, I don't think I planned enough time to actually do it. Rachel Green: Hey, Mon, you want some help? Monica Geller: If you want. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. What a day. I took her everywhere. The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center, Statue of Liberty. Rachel Green: She's still with you? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. I guess she hasn't seen everything yet. I'll be right back, she has to go to the bathroom again. Oh, such a pretty face. Sandra Green: This is so much fun, just the girls. You know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana? Rachel Green: God! Monica Geller: All right, look, nobody's smoking pot around all this food. Sandra Green: That's fine. I never did it. I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex? Rachel Green: Oh! What's new in sex? Sandra Green: The only man I've ever been with is your father. Monica Geller: I'm dicing, I'm dicing, I don't hear anything. Sandra Green: I mean, this is no offense to your dad, sweetie, but I was thinking there might be more. Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? I cannot have this conversation with you. I mean, god, you just come in here, and drop this bomb on me, before you even tell Daddy. What? What do you want? Do you want my blessing? Sandra Green: No. Rachel Green: You want me to talk you out of it? Sandra Green: No. Rachel Green: Then what? What do you want? Sandra Green: I guess I just figured of all people you would understand this. Rachel Green: Why on earth would I understand this? Sandra Green: You didn't marry your Barry. I did. Rachel Green: Oh. Monica Geller: All right people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move! Chandler Bing: Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles. Monica Geller: Joey, speed it up! Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry, it's the pigs. they're reluctant to get in the blankets! Phoebe Buffay: Monica, how did this happen? I thought you had this all planned out. Monica Geller: Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you wanna see me cry? Phoebe Buffay: Sir! No sir! Monica Geller: All right, you! Ross Geller: No. Look, I told you I am not a part of this thing. Monica Geller: All right, look, Ross. I realize that you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you, I do. But if you don't help me cook, I'm gonna take a bunch of those little hot dogs, and I'm gonna create a new appetizer called "pigs in Ross". All right, ball the melon. Chandler Bing: Hey! How come I'm stuck dicing, when he gets to ball the melon. Monica Geller: Hi. Carol Willick: How's it going? Monica Geller: It's goin' great. Right on schedule. Got my little happy helpers. Carol Willick: Fine, whatever. Ross Geller: What's the matter? Carol Willick: Nothing. Ok, everything. I think we're calling off the wedding. Ross Geller: What? Monica Geller: You're still gonna pay me, right? Or something a little less selfish. Ross Geller: Carol, what's the matter? What happened? Carol Willick: My parents called this afternoon to say they weren't coming. Ross Geller: Oh my god. Carol Willick: I mean, I knew they were having trouble with this whole thing, but they're my parents. They're supposed to give me away and everything. Ross Geller: It's ok. I'm sorry. Carol Willick: And then Susan and I got in this big fight because I said maybe we should call off the wedding, and she said we weren't doing it for them, we were doing it for us, and if I couldn't see that, then maybe we should call off the wedding. I don't know what to do. Ross Geller: I uh can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I think Susan's right. Carol Willick: You do? Ross Geller: Look, do you love her? And you don't have to be too emphatic about this. Carol Willick: Of course I do. Ross Geller: Well then that's it. And if George and Adelaide can't accept that, then the hell with them. Look, if my parents didn't want me to marry you, no way that would have stopped me. Look, this is your wedding. Do it. Carol Willick: You're right. Of course you're right. Monica Geller: So we're back on? Carol Willick: We're back on. Monica Geller: You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I can't believe I lost 2 minutes. Joey Tribbiani: It just seems so futile, you know ? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly. Chandler Bing: Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding. Phoebe Buffay: Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later. Carol Willick: Thank you. Ross Geller: Any time. Carol Willick: Ross. Minister: You know, nothing makes God happier than when two people, any two people, come together in love. Friends, family, we're gathered here today to join Carol and Susan in holy matrimony. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my god. Now I've seen everything! Whoa, she's gone. She's gone. She's gone! Go ahead, get married. Go, go. Monica Geller: Would you look at them? Ross Geller: Yeah, can't help but. Joey Tribbiani: How's that pig-in-the-blanket workin' out for you? I wrapped those bad boys. Phoebe Buffay: I miss Rose. Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah? Phoebe Buffay: I know it's kind of weird, but I mean, she was a big part of my life there, you know, and now I just feel kind of alone. Woman: You know, I uh, I couldn't help but overhear what you just said, and I think it's time for you to forget about Rose, move on with your life...how 'bout we go get you a drink? Phoebe Buffay: Ok, that's so nice. Chandler Bing: I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right? Rachel Green: Hey, Mom? Having fun? Sandra Green: Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not saying it's something I wanna pursue, but it's nice to know I have options. Rachel Green: There's more alcohol, right? Susan Bunch: How you doin'? Ross Geller: Ok. Susan Bunch: You did a good thing today. Ross Geller: Yeah. Susan Bunch: You wanna dance? Ross Geller: No, that's fine. Susan Bunch: Come on. I'll let you lead. Ross Geller: Ok. Chandler Bing: All right look. Penis schmenis. We're all people. Monica Geller: Ok, which one of us do you think is gonna be the first one to get married? Ross Geller: Well, Mon, I was married. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, me, too, technically. Rachel Green: I had a wedding. Monica Geller: All right, just trying to start an interesting discussion. Joey Tribbiani: I got one. Which one of us do you think will be the last to get married? Chandler Bing: Isn't Ben in this? Everyone: Oh, yeah!
Ross Geller: That commercial always makes me so sad. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK. Ross Geller: I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel. Phoebe Buffay: I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin. Monica Geller: And the fact that they're both monkeys. Ross Geller: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away. Rachel Green: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding. Ross Geller: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it. Chandler Bing: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. . . all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got. Chandler Bing: Rhythm? Joey Tribbiani: No, my first fan mail. Everyone: Alright! Monica Geller: 'Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.' Rachel Green: Ya know, in crazy world, that means you're married. Monica Geller: This wasn't addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building. Joey Tribbiani: Oh my god, I got my very own stalker. Ross Geller: Hey guys. Everyone: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin' Jake? Ross Geller: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel. Chandler Bing: You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion. Rachel Green: Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So everyone just laugh, now. Phoebe Buffay: I know, I know. Hello. Rob: Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen. Phoebe Buffay: Hi Rob Dohnen. Rob: I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really, really great. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, wow. Rob: Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner? Chandler Bing: Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. Chandler Bing: Hello. Erica Ford: It's Erica. Joey Tribbiani: Ah, the stalker. Erica Ford: Never mind, it's open. Chandler Bing: Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon. Joey Tribbiani: Let's get out of here. Chandler Bing: The one time they're not home. Joey Tribbiani: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met. Chandler Bing: That's how radio stars escape stalkers. Joey Tribbiani: She's comin'. Erica Ford: It's me. Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna die. Ready? Chandler Bing: Wait, wait, wait. Erica Ford: Hi. Joey Tribbiani: Erica. Dean Lipson: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question. Ross Geller: Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchan, answers to the name Marcel. Dean Lipson: Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on. Ross Geller: Oh my God, what happened? Dean Lipson: Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died. Ross Geller: I can't believe this. Dean Lipson: I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there's an old saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.' It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today. Ross Geller: Well, ya know, someone should have called me. Dean Lipson: I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring him back but here, it's just a gesture. Ross Geller: Zoo dollars? Dean Lipson: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died. Kids: Ooohhh. Phoebe Buffay: I know. Monica Geller: I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like. Chandler Bing: Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery? Chandler Bing: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that. Rachel Green: And she's not crazy? Chandler Bing: Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore. Rachel Green: Oh my God. Monica Geller: Ah, and I mean, he's going out with her? He can not persue this. Chandler Bing: Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac. Rob: You OK? Phoebe Buffay: No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear. Rob: That's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason the last guy got fired. Phoebe Buffay: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me? Ross Geller: I was thinkin' about it. Phoebe Buffay: OK. OK, alrighty, let's play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe Everyone: Hi Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes, she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike. But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner. Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru, but the truth is she died and some day you will too. La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la... Erica Ford: Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah it is. . . what? Erica Ford: Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching someone's spinal cord. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites. Erica Ford: Who's they? Joey Tribbiani: No one. Erica Ford: Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won't. Joey Tribbiani: Good, otherwise my watch would fall off. Erica Ford: No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one? Joey Tribbiani: Alright, just one. Wow, you're good at that. Waiter: Oh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is anyone here a doctor? Erica Ford: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore. Janitor: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes. Ross Geller: Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars? Janitor: It's about your monkey. It's alive. Erica Ford: I don't understand, why didn't you help that man? Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something. Erica Ford: No, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore? Joey Tribbiani: But that's what... Erica Ford: I should just be happy to be near you. Joey Tribbiani: Hey I- Erica Ford: Hey what? Joey Tribbiani: That's it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! Hey. He-hey. Phoebe Buffay: There'll be times when you get older when you'll want to sleep with people just to make them like you. . . But don't. Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody That's another thing that you don't wanna do. Monica Geller: Excellent! Chandler Bing: Very informative! Rachel Green: Not at all inappropriate! Phoebe Buffay: Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back. Rob: That was great, the kids loved you. Phoebe Buffay: Yay, I rock. Rob: And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible. Phoebe Buffay: But. Rob: How did you know there was a but? Phoebe Buffay: I sense these things. It was either but or butter. Rob: The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals. Phoebe Buffay: I can do that. Rob: Really? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Rob: Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me? Phoebe Buffay: Thinkin' about it. Janitor: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe. Ross Geller: Buddy, my monkey? Janitor: Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your monkey was taken. Ross Geller: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead. Janitor: The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya? Ross Geller: That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me. Janitor: Of course they're gonna say he's dead. They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes? Ross Geller: That guy Lipson? Janitor: Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows? Ross Geller: No, I, I only know Lipson. Janitor: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with... Ross Geller: Buddy, my monkey, my monkey. Janitor: Word on the street - well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo. Ross Geller: Of course. Janitor: Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know. Ross Geller: This is unbelievable. Janitor: So, what is this information worth to you, my friend? Ross Geller: Are you trying to get me to bribe you? Janitor: Maybe. Ross Geller: But you already told me everything. Ross Geller: Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey. Rachel Green: Well, so what're you gonna do? Ross Geller: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is. Chandler Bing: That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales. Phoebe Buffay: OK, hi again. Everyone: Hi Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals. Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo. Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up, And that's how we get hamburgers. Nooowww, chickens! Tv Doctor: You're the only one who can save her Drake. Joey Tribbiani: Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God. Ross Geller: Well, there goes my whole belief system. Erica Ford: It's Erica. Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV. Rachel Green: No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens. Joey Tribbiani: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out. Rachel Green: Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina? Monica Geller: Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Erica, c'mon in. Erica Ford: How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem? Joey Tribbiani: Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up? Erica Ford: Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh? Joey Tribbiani: Who? Erica Ford: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge. Joey Tribbiani: It's not what you think, that was... Erica Ford: You told me I was the only one. Joey Tribbiani: Alright look, that's it. I don't think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor. Erica Ford: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this? Joey Tribbiani: Somebody wanna help me out here? Rachel Green: Oh, I know, I know. Erica Ford: How, how can you be here and there. Joey Tribbiani: 'Cause it's a television show. Erica Ford: Drake, what're you getting at? Joey Tribbiani: I'm not Drake. Ross Geller: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin. Erica Ford: Is this true? Rachel Green: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. Monica Geller: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. Chandler Bing: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. Erica Ford: Is all this true? Joey Tribbiani: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you. Erica Ford: Oh Hans. Ross Geller: Hans...Hans...Yo evil twin. Joey Tribbiani: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care Erica Ford: I'll never forget you Hans. Joey Tribbiani: OK, alright, the people who threw the water. Phoebe Buffay: Fired! Why? Rob: The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs. Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth? Rob: No. Phoebe Buffay: I see. Rob: Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs. Phoebe Buffay: No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur? Rob: I'm not saying you have to be Barney. Phoebe Buffay: Who's Barney. Ross Geller: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan. Rachel Green: You're kidding. Joey Tribbiani: This is amazing. Ross Geller: I know. Joey Tribbiani: I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's makin' movies. Phoebe Buffay: OK, Rachel, I'm ready. Rachel Green: OK. Kid: Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth? Phoebe Buffay: Um, yeah I guess that's me. Kid: She's here. Phoebe Buffay: Sometimes men love women, sometimes men love men, and then there are bisexuals, though some just say they're kidding themselves. la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la... Ross Geller: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year. Chandler Bing: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre? Security Guard: C'mon people, back up please, back up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon. Ross Geller: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey? Security Guard: I'm sorry guys, closed set. Ross Geller: Uh, I'm sorry, you don't understand, I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together. Security Guard: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper. Monica Geller: Ross, there he is. Ross Geller: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. a-weema-way, a-weema-way...
Security Guard: Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh... Joey Tribbiani: Closed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey. Ross Geller: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. Joey Tribbiani: Woah, dude, burn. Ross Geller: I don't get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday. Trainer: Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all. Rachel Green: Now just how big of a star is Marcel? Trainer: In human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard. Everyone: Woah. Chandler Bing: So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid. Director's Assistant: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready for the subway set? Joey Tribbiani: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he? Director's Assistant: The one in the director's chair. Joey Tribbiani: Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me. Phoebe Buffay: OK. Um, how come I'm walking with you? Joey Tribbiani: Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin', is he lookin'? Susie Moss: We've got a problem. Director's Assistant: Tell me. Susie Moss: I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustasche. Director's Assistant: Is it bad? Susie Moss: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan. Director's Assistant: I'll talk to her. Susie Moss: I hate actors. Chandler Bing: Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya. Susie Moss: Excuse me. Chandler Bing: Ahhhh. Susie Moss: Uh, is your name Chandler? Chandler Bing: Uh, yes, yes it is. Susie Moss: Chandler Bing? Chandler Bing: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game? Susie Moss: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse. Chandler Bing: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up. Susie Moss: It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it. Chandler Bing: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp. Susie Moss: Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants. Chandler Bing: Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore. Monica Geller: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Rachel Green: What what what what? Monica Geller: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot. Rachel Green: Ya think? Monica Geller: The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop? Rachel Green: No, was he any good in it? Monica Geller: Rachel, he like, totally changed time. Rachel Green: Wow, so why don't you go talk to him? Monica Geller: Oh, yeah. Rachel Green: What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen? Monica Geller: He could hear me. Rachel Green: OK, I'm doin' it for ya. Monica Geller: Oh Rachel don't, don't you dare, don't, don't. Tell him I cook. Rachel Green: Excuse me. Hi. Jean-Claude Van Damme: Hi. Rachel Green: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you're cute. Jean-Claude Van Damme: You don't think I'm cute? Rachel Green: I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her? Jean-Claude Van Damme: You can tell her I think her friend is cute. Chandler Bing: No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows. Susie Moss: OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating? Chandler Bing: OK that's not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money. Susie Moss: Oh that's me, I gotta go. Chandler Bing: Oh uh, o, OK. Susie Moss: Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date. Chandler Bing: Well, uh, let's try one more. . . there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock. Susie Moss: I'll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear. Chandler Bing: No one was around to hear that? Monica Geller: So what'd he say? Rachel Green: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no. Monica Geller: Well, thanks anyway. Rachel Green: He just kept asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking. Monica Geller: Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that's what you want to do... Rachel Green: Jean-Claude she said yes, I'll see you tonight. Thank you. Rachel Green: And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore. Joey Tribbiani: Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh. Rachel Green: Does anybody need anything? Monica Geller: Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking it yourself. Rachel Green: That is so unfair. Phoebe Buffay: I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme. Ross Geller: Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let me have him for a couple of hours. Joey Tribbiani: You're blowin' me off for a monkey? Ross Geller: Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons. Chandler Bing: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done. Phoebe Buffay: Stick a fork what? Chandler Bing: Like, when you're cooking a steak. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, OK, I don't eat meat. Chandler Bing: Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done? Phoebe Buffay: Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell. Chandler Bing: OK, then, eat me, I'm done. Chandler Bing: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?' Monica Geller: What did you say? Chandler Bing: Ahh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you just know. Susie Moss: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes. Chandler Bing: Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes tops. Susie Moss: Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go. Susie Moss: But um, here's an idea, have you ever worn women's underwear? Chandler Bing: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there. Susie Moss: Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner. Chandler Bing: You want me to wear your panties? Susie Moss: Could ya? Chandler Bing: Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You're swell. Ross Geller: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish, banannacake. Joey Tribbiani: Oooh. Ross Geller: With mealworms. Joey Tribbiani: Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What'dya thinks gonna happen here tonight? Ross Geller: Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey's gotta work. No it, it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had anything special planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye. Phoebe Buffay: OK, Rachel, why don't you start talking first. Rachel Green: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV set? Phoebe Buffay: Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share... Monica Geller: Ya know, you had no right to go out with him. Rachel Green: That is the most ridiculous. Monica Geller: You sold me out. Rachel Green: I did not sell you out. Monica Geller: Yes you did. Absolutely. Rachel Green: Would you let me talk. Monica Geller: Did you just flick me? Rachel Green: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- Ow. That hurt Monica Geller: Quit flicking Rachel Green: Ow, you stop flicking. Monica Geller: You flicked me first. Phoebe Buffay: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass. Phoebe Buffay: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop. Rachel Green: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want? Monica Geller: Uh-huh. Rachel Green: You want me to just call him up and tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what you want? Monica Geller: OK. Rachel Green: Oh that's what you want. Monica Geller: Yes. Rachel Green: Fine. Monica Geller: Fine, Phoebe Buffay: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches. Ross Geller: Thanks for letting me tag along tonight you guys. Joey Tribbiani: Forget about it. Susie Moss: How you doin there squirmy? Chandler Bing: I'm hangin in. . . and a little out. Joey Tribbiani: So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities. Director's Assistant: I have nothing to do with casting. Joey Tribbiani: So what're you guys gonna eat? Susie Moss: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over? Chandler Bing: Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it. Susie Moss: I want you right here, right now. Chandler Bing: Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa They do have the shrimp. Susie Moss: Meet me in the bathroom. Chandler Bing: I'm going to the bathroom now. Susie Moss: C'mon. Chandler Bing: I can't believe we're doing this. Susie Moss: Alright mister, let's see those panties. Chandler Bing: Alrighty. Susie Moss: Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier? Chandler Bing: What? Susie Moss: If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them. Chandler Bing: Oh. Susie Moss: Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off. Chandler Bing: OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials. Susie Moss: C'mon hurry, hurry. Chandler Bing: Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right? Susie Moss: Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind. Chandler Bing: OK. Susie Moss: Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of steel video. Chandler Bing: Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie. Susie Moss: This is for the fourth grade. Chandler Bing: Huh? Where, whaddya mean? Susie Moss: Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that's what I mean. Chandler Bing: What, what's what you mean? Susie Moss: My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants 'till I was 18. Chandler Bing: That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that? Susie Moss: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this. Chandler Bing: Alright, I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back. Monica Geller: I can't believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? Can you beat up that guy? Jean-Claude Van Damme: Sure. Monica Geller: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date. Jean-Claude Van Damme: Normally, I would not do it. Monica Geller: Well, what made you make the exception for me? Jean-Claude Van Damme: 'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and... Monica Geller: Say you're sorry. Rachel Green: No. Monica Geller: Say it. Rachel Green: No. Monica Geller: Rachel, you say you're sorry or your sweater gets it. Rachel Green: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater. Monica Geller: Say you're sorry. Rachel Green: OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's play. Monica Geller: What're you gonna do? Rachel Green: You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara. Monica Geller: You don't have the guts. Rachel Green: Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute. Phoebe Buffay: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place? Phoebe Buffay: Yes that's right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves. Monica Geller: I'll help you fix your sweater. Rachel Green: I'll help you throw out your purse. Monica Geller: I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him. Rachel Green: Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him. Monica Geller: I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves Chandler Bing: Joey? Joey Tribbiani: Ma? Chandler Bing: Joey! Joey Tribbiani: Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I though you guys took off. Chandler Bing: Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes. Joey Tribbiani: Are you naked in there? Chandler Bing: Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties. Joey Tribbiani: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties? Chandler Bing: No, no, this is the first time. Joey Tribbiani: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes. Chandler Bing: I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them. Joey Tribbiani: Well, let me see. Chandler Bing: No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever. Joey Tribbiani: Alright, alright. Woah, someone's flossing. Ross Geller: Joey, some people don't like that. Joey Tribbiani: Chandler's wearing panties. Ross Geller: What? Let me see. Chandler Bing: No, no, you don't have to see. Ross Geller: Hi Tushie. Chandler Bing: Alright, one of you give me your underpants. Joey Tribbiani: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any. Chandler Bing: How can you not be wearing any underwear? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong. Chandler Bing: Alright look Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants. Everyone: Hi. Chandler Bing: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you? Phoebe Buffay: I'm almost done with it, keep your panties on. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie. Ross Geller: What happened? Joey Tribbiani: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye. Ross Geller: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God. Ross Geller: What? Jean-Claude Van Damme: I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me, or you and me. Drew was very disappointed. Rachel Green: OK, well, bye. Jean-Claude Van Damme: Goodbye. Monica Geller: Well, bye for me too. Rachel Green: OK, well, bye-bye again. Monica Geller: OK. Jean-Claude Van Damme: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . . Jean-Claude Van Damme: Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt. Rachel Green: Impressive. Monica Geller: But no. Maybe if I were baking. Ross Geller: Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss you buddy. Phoebe Buffay: You know, I think I want to write a song about all this. Rachel Green: Oh yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string? Chandler Bing: How long you been waitin' to say that? Phoebe Buffay: About 20 minutes. CLOSING CREDITS Jean-Claude Van Damme: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying. Joey Tribbiani: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Director: Cut. Jean-Claude Van Damme: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying. Joey Tribbiani: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Director: Cut. Jean-Claude Van Damme: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying. Joey Tribbiani: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy Director: Cut. Jean-Claude Van Damme: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dead.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Chandler Bing: Hey. Hold on a second. Huh? Joey Tribbiani: Nice, nice. Hey I got somethin' for you. [hands Chandler an envelope. Chandler Bing: What's this? Joey Tribbiani: Eight hundred and twelve bucks. Chandler Bing: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. What is this for? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I'm makin money now and this is payin' you back for head shots, electric bills, and so many slices of pizza I can't even count. I love ya man. Chandler Bing: Well, thanks man. Now I can get my pony. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, this is a little extra somethin' for uh, ya know, always bein' there for me. Chandler Bing: Wow, I don't know what to say. Wow, I, I don't know what to say. Joey Tribbiani: Heh, what d'ya say? Chandler Bing: I don't know. It's a bracelet. Joey Tribbiani: Isn't it? And it's engraved too, check it out. Chandler Bing: To my best bud. Thanks best bud. Joey Tribbiani: Put it on. Chandler Bing: Oh, now? No, no, I think something this nice should be saved for a special occasion. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, no no, that's the beauty part, it goes with everything. You put this on, you're good to go. Ohhh man, you are so wearin' that bracelet. Chandler Bing: I so am. Joey Tribbiani: You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life? Chandler Bing: Well, it'll probably slow it down at first but, once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track. Interviewer: Well, this all looks good. Monica Geller: Great. Interviewer: And if I want to call for a reference on your last job? Monica Geller: Oh, that's there on the bottom, see the manager, Chandler Bing. Interviewer: Alright, lets see if you're as good in person as you are on paper. Make me a salad. Monica Geller: A salad? Really I, I could do something a little more complicated if you like. Interviewer: No, just a salad will be fine. Monica Geller: You got it. Interviewer: Now, I want you to tell me what you're doing while you're doing it. Monica Geller: Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce. Interviewer: Uh-huh. Is it dirty? Monica Geller: Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it. Interviewer: Don't, I like it dirty. Monica Geller: That's your call. Interviewer: So, uh, what are you going to do next? Monica Geller: Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos. Interviewer: Are they, uh, firm? Monica Geller: They'r alright. Interviewer: You sure they haven't gone bad? You're sure they're not very, very bad? Monica Geller: No really, they're OK. Interviewer: You gonna slice them up real nice? Monica Geller: Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne. Interviewer: Aaaahhhhhhh. Monica Geller: I'm outa here. Ross Geller: Y-ello. No, Rachel's not here right now, can I take a message? Alright, and how do we spell Casey, is it like at the bat or and the Sunshine Band? OK, bye-bye. Hey, who's this uh, this Casey? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, some guy she met at the movies. Ross Geller: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her? Chandler Bing: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance. . . ya know, make a little love. . . well pretty much get down tonight. Ross Geller: I don't know, I don't get, I don't get it, I mean, wh, wh, two months ago Rachel and I were like, this close. Right now, what, I'm takin messages from guys she, she meets at the movies? I mean this, this Casey should be takin' down my messages, ya know, or, or, Rachel and I should be together and, and we should get some kind of me, message service. Phoebe Buffay: Hang in there, it's gonna happen. Ross Geller: Wha, OK, now how do you know that? Phoebe Buffay: Because she's your lobster. Chandler Bing: Oh, she's goin' somewhere. Phoebe Buffay: C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, ya know, holding claws like. . . Chandler Bing: Hey, you feelin' better? Monica Geller: Yeah, I think that fifth shower actually got the interview off me. Phoebe Buffay: So, do you have any other possibilities? Monica Geller: Oh yeah, well there's the possibility that I won't make rent. Ross Geller: Monica, if you want, I can lend you some money. Monica Geller: No no no, if I couldn't pay you back right away then I'd feel guilty and tense every time I saw you. Ross Geller: Oh OK. Well then why don't you, uhh, why don't you borrow it from mom and dad? You feel guilty and tense around them already. You might as well make some money off of them. Chandler Bing: Ya know, the man's got a point. Phoebe Buffay: What is that sparkly thing? Chandler Bing: That thing, it's a uhh. . . yeah it's, it's a little flashy. Ross Geller: No no, no no, it's not flashy, not for a Goodfella. Monica Geller: Man, man that is sharp. It must have cost you quite a few debloons. Monica Geller: Hi. Ross Geller: Hi. Judy Geller: Hi darling. Monica Geller: So, what's this. Ross Geller: Some of your old stuff. Judy Geller: Well sweetie, we have a surprise for you. We're turning your room into a gym. Monica Geller: Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little question, uh, why not Ross's room? Ross Geller: Gosh, we talked about that but your brother has so many science trophies and plaques and merit badges, well we didn't want to disturb them. Monica Geller: Oh, God forbid. Judy Geller: Oh, hi Rachel. Rachel Green: Hi. Judy Geller: Oh, we were so sorry to hear about your parents splitting up, dear. Rachel Green: Oh, well, you know, they're just separated so, you know, never know, we'll see. Ross Geller: Well, I can't say any of us were surprised. Your parents have been unhappy ever since we've known them. Especially after that incident in Hawaii. Rachel Green: What, what incident? Ross Geller: Uhh, naa, no no no, I, I must be thinking of someone else, uh, maybe me. Don't you have some folding to do? Go fold dear. Fold. You fold. Phoebe Buffay: Do you want a refill? Chandler Bing: No, I'm alright, thanks. Phoebe Buffay: OK. Ooh, OK, you gotta give me a second, I wanna get this just right. Dude, 11 o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out. That was really good, I think I'm ready for my penis now. Chandler Bing: I know what you're thinking, Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's. Gail: I'm Gail. Chandler Bing: Chandler. Gail: I, I really have to be somewhere but it was nice meeting you. Chandler Bing: What? Oh this is excellent. You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller, the eyesore from the Liberace house of crap. Phoebe Buffay: It's not that bad. Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, Chandler. Chandler Bing: I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . Hi. Hey man, we were just doin' some uhh, impressions over here. Do your Marcel Marceau. That's actually good. Ross Geller: Would you look at that guy, I mean how long has he been talking to her. It's like, back off buddy she's a waitress not a geisha. Phoebe Buffay: I think she's OK. Ross Geller: Look at that, look at that, see how she's pushing him away and he won't budge. Alright, I'm gonna do something. Excuse me, are you Rachel? Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: I'm Ross Geller. Wha, I'm, God in your add you said you were pretty but wow. Rachel Green: What are you, what are you doin'? Ross Geller: Oh, oh my God, is this the wrong day? I don't believe it, uh, well, hey, I guess if it works out we'll, we'll have something to tell the grandkids. Man: Sure will. I've uh, gotta go. Take care. Ross Geller: OK, see ya later, nice meeting you. You're welcome. Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: I was saving you. Rachel Green: Saving, saving, saving me from the pleasant conversation with the interesting man, saving me? Ross Geller: Oh, see from where I was sitting I uh. . . Rachel Green: OK, Ross, listen to me, I am not yours to save. Ross Geller: But, you are. Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: Uh, uh, well you're, umm, you're my lobster. Rachel Green: OK, you know what, are, are you being like, the blind date guy again? Ross Geller: No no, you're uh, you're my lobster. See um, lobsters, uhh, in the tank when, when they're old, uhh, they get with, uhh, they walk around holding the claws. In the tank, ya know, with, with the holding and. . . Uhh, Phoebs you wanna help me out with the, the whole lobster thing? Phoebe Buffay: Do the claws again. Ross Geller: Rach. OK, forget, forget the lobsters OK. We're, let's talk, what about us? Rachel Green: Ross, there is no us, OK. Ross Geller: No, but. . . Rachel Green: No, listen to me. I fell for you and I get clobbered. You then fall for me and I again, somehow, get clobbered. I'm tired of being clobbered, ya know, it's, it's just not worth it. Ross Geller: Well, but, but. . . Rachel Green: NO but Ross. We are never gonna happen, OK. Accept that. Ross Geller: E-except, except that what? Rachel Green: No, no, ACC-cept that. Ross Geller: Oh. Chandler Bing: Hey man, look it's my best bud. How ya doin? Wow, you are really gettin' good at that Marcel Marceau thing. Hey, whaddya say uh, we play some ball, you and me, huh, whaddya say? OK, that's my bad. Joey Tribbiani: If you hated the bracelet so much, Chandler, you should have just said so. Chandler Bing: Well, doesn't the fact that I wore the bracelet even though I hated it say something about our friendship and how much it means to me? Joey Tribbiani: Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me? Chandler Bing: OK, well that's the part where I'm a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn't focus on that. Hey, c'mon man, I said I was sorry like a hundred times, I promise I will never take it off my. . . wrist. But if, if you want to stay in there and be mad, you know, you just uh, you stay in there. Joey Tribbiani: You know what the. . . Chandler Bing: I am here, on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now. . . Ross Geller: You know, that Steffi Graf has quite a tush. I'm just saying, it's right there. Ross Geller: Hey guys. Judy Geller: Hi, darling. Where's my grandson, you didn't bring him? Ross Geller: No, he's at uh, Carol's and Susan's today. Ross Geller: A woman in my office is a lesiban. I'm just saying. Judy Geller: Oh, Jack look, there's that house paint commercial that cracks you up. Monica Geller: Where have you been? Ross Geller: Emotional hell. So, did they lend you the money yet? Monica Geller: No, but that's probably 'cause I haven't asked them yet. Ross Geller: C'mon Monica, do it. Hey, you guys, um, Monica has some news. Monica Geller: Um, yeah, so uh, uhh, listen, I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before but umm, I, I'm no longer at my job, I, I had to leave it. Judy Geller: Why? Monica Geller: Because they made me. Judy Geller: You were fired? What're you gonna do? Ross Geller: Judy, Judy, relax, this is our little harmonica we're talking about. We taught her well. Ten percent of your paycheck, where does it go? Ross Geller: There you go. So she dips into her savings, that's what it's there for. She's gonna be fine, and if you need a little extra, you know where to find it. Monica Geller: Anything larger back there? Chandler Bing: I can't believe it. Phoebe Buffay: Would you stop already? Get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay. Chandler Bing: Oh, you're right I, I should play in the hay. Forget about the fact that I just dropped 400 dollars to replace a bracelet that I hated to begin with. Bring on the hay. Rachel Green: Hey. I've got something that's gonna make you happy. Guess what Gunther found? Phoebe Buffay: Hey now you have two. Oh, now you have two. Chandler Bing: What am I gonna do, huh? Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Chandler Bing: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: How come you have two? Chandler Bing: Well this one's for you. Joey Tribbiani: Get out. Chandler Bing: No, I can't. No no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, it's about you and me and the fact that we're best buds. Joey Tribbiani: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies. Chandler Bing: That's what they'll call us. Ross Geller: Here you go, you can pay me back whenever you like. Monica Geller: You have dinosaur checks? Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah I mean, you get your money and you learn a little something, what's wrong with that? Monica Geller: Nothin', nothin', hey you're a cheapasaurus. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, thank you, I'm very greatful. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, Mon, what is this? Monica Geller: Oh, um, that was my bathing suit from high school. I was uh, a little bigger then. Chandler Bing: Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Monica, what's on this video tape? Monica Geller: Hey, you got me, put it in. Ross Geller: Oh. Rachel Green: Hi. Ross Geller: Hi. Judy Geller: Over here Jack. OK. I see, Rachel's coming up the path. Oh doesn't she look pretty. Jack, get this. Rachel Green: Oh my God. Joey Tribbiani: What is with your nose? Rachel Green: They had to reduce it because of, of my deviated septum. Chandler Bing: OK, I was wrong, that's what they used to cover Connecticut. Monica Geller: You know what this is, this is us getting ready for the prom. Rachel Green: Oh. Ross Geller: You know what, you guys, we don't have to watch this. Everyone: Oh yeah we do. C'mon. Judy Geller: Get a shot of Monica. Where's Monica. Monica Geller: Over here dad. Ross Geller: Wait, how do you zoom out? There she is. Joey Tribbiani: Some girl ate Monica. Monica Geller: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds. Chandler Bing: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you? Monica Geller: Oh, you look so great. Rachel Green: Ahh, so do you, beautiful. Monica Geller: Oops. Rachel Green: What? Monica Geller: Shoot, I think I got mayonaise on you. Rachel Green: Oh, that's OK, it's just the shoulder, it's not my dress. Ross Geller: Everybody smile. Monica Geller: Oh, dad, turn it off. Ross Geller: It is off. Monica Geller: Dad, it is not. What's with the red light? Ross Geller: It's the off light. Right Ross? Joey Tribbiani: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter. Ross Geller: You look pretty tonight. Rachel Green: Oh, thanks. So, uh, what are you gonna do this summer? Ross Geller: Oh, you know, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna hang out, work on my music. Rachel Green: Is my hook unhooked? These things keep falling down, I can't. . . Ross Geller: Uh, hold, let me see, I don't know. So what're you gonna do. . . Rachel Green: Oh, the guys are here. Ross Geller: this summer? Chandler Bing: Work on your music? Rachel Green: Oh my God, look there's Roy Gublik. Monica Geller: Ya know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. His name was in the paper. Rachel Green: Where's Chip, why isn't he here yet? Roy: He'll be here OK, take a chill pill. Monica Geller: I just told Rachel that Roy touched my boob. Rachel Green: I can't go to my own prom without a date, I can't, it's too late. Monica Geller: If you're not going then I don't want to go either. Roy: Oh, I'm gonna kick Chip's ass. Judy Geller: I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the prom. Ross Geller: Doubtful. Judy Geller: Jack, give me that. Talk to your son. Ross Geller: Your mother's right. Take her, you can wear my tux. Ross Geller: Dad, she won't want to go with me. Ross Geller: Of course she would, you're a college man. Ross Geller: I don't know. Ross Geller: Well, c'mon. Don't ya want to find out? Rachel Green: I can't believe I don't get to go to my own prom, this is so harsh. Ross Geller: OK. Hold my board. Ross Geller: Atta boy. Ross Geller: OK, you guys, ya know, I think we've seen enough, let's turn it off. Everyone: No, no, no. Ross Geller: OK, fine, well I'm not gonna watch, alright. Ross Geller: C'mon kid, let's go. Judy Geller: Ahh, are you hadsome. Ross Geller: Let's show 'em. Ross Geller: Uh, just a sec dad. OK, be cool, just be cool. OK dad. Ross Geller: Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining. . . oh no. Judy Geller: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off? Ross Geller: Press the button. Judy Geller: Which one? Which button, Jack. Ross Geller: The button, the button. Monica Geller: I can't believe you did that. Ross Geller: Yeah, well. Phoebe Buffay: See, he's her lobster. Judy Geller: Dance with him. Monica Geller: Mom, I'm hungry. Judy Geller: Dance with your father. Ross Geller: I may not know any of your flash dances but I'm no slouch on the dance floor. Monica Geller: Alright. Judy Geller: Oh, Jack. Ross Geller: Oh, Judy. Oh, Judy. Both: Oh, ohhhhh.
Joey Tribbiani: Alright, no peeking. No peeking, no peeking, no peeking. Chandler Bing: Alright, alright, but you better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes. Joey Tribbiani: Alright open your eyes. Chandler Bing: Sweet mother of all that is good and pure. Joey Tribbiani: Huh? Days of our Lives picked up my option. Chandler Bing: Congratulations! Joey Tribbiani: I know. chandler: Now we can finally watch Green Acres the way it was meant to be seen. Joey Tribbiani: Uh-huh. Chandler Bing: So uh, which one is mine? Joey Tribbiani: Whichever one you want, man. Whichever one you want. Not that one. Chandler Bing: Ohh yes. Joey Tribbiani: Ohh yeah, that's the stuff. Chandler Bing: Do we dare? Joey Tribbiani: We dare. Both: Aaahhhh. AAAAHHHHHH. Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up. Chandler Bing: Well they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild. Ross Geller: This screen is amazing, I mean Dick Van Dyke is practically life-size. Everyone: Woah! Monica Geller: Rose Marie really belongs on a smaller screen, doesn't she? Rachel Green: Hi you guys. Everyone: Hey. Rachel Green: Hey you. Ross Geller: Hey you. Rachel Green: So, uh, how was your day? Ross Geller: Oh you know, pretty much the usual, uh, sun shining, birds chirping. Rachel Green: Really? Mine too. Phoebe Buffay: Hey cool, mine too. Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get to the museum. So um, I'll see you tonight. Rachel Green: OK. Ross Geller: Bye guys. Everyone: Bye. Monica Geller: Tonight? Monica Geller: What's tonight? Rachel Green: It is our first official date. Our first date. Monica Geller: Uh, hello. Rachel Green: Hi. Monica Geller: Tonight you're supposed to waitress for me, my catering thing, any of those words trigger anything for you? Rachel Green: God, oh God Monica, I forgot. This is our first date. Monica Geller: Yes but my mom got me this job. Phoebe Buffay: OK, I can be a waitress, I can be a waitress. Rachel Green: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. See Phoebe, Phoebe. Monica Geller: Really Phoebs? Because, you know, you'd have to be an actual waitress. This can't be like your 'I can be a bear cub' thing. Phoebe Buffay: I can be a waitress. OK watch this. Um, gimme two number ones, 86 the bacon, one Adam and Eve on a raft and rick'em, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la. Phoebe Buffay: It's James Bond. Monica Geller: Sorry we're late. Richard Burke: Ah, that's OK, come on in. Um, I'm sorry, is Monica Geller coming? I was told she was. Monica Geller: Dr. Burke, it, it's me. Richard Burke: Monica? My God you used to be so. . . I mean you, you, you, you must have lost like. . . You look great. Monica Geller: Thank you. This is my friend Phoebe. She's gonna be helping me tonight. Richard Burke: Hi Phoebe, nice to meet you. So, how ya been? Monica Geller: I've been great, just great. How have you been? Richard Burke: Oh, well obviously you know Barbara and I split up, otherwise you wouldn't have done the head tilt. Monica Geller: The head tilt? Richard Burke: Yeah, since the divorce, when anybody asks me how I am, it's always with a sympathetic head tilt. 'How ya doin'? You OK?' Monica Geller: I'm sorry. Richard Burke: No no, it, it's fine, believe me. I do it too. I always answer with the 'I'm OK' head bob. 'I'm OK.' 'You sure?' 'Yeah, I'm fine.' Hey listen, I've got to set up the music. I got a new CD changer, of course the divorce only left me with 4 CD's to change. Monica Geller: Oh, that's too bad. Richard Burke: I'll survive. Chandler Bing: Uh, two larges, extra cheese on both. But listen, don't ring the buzzer for 19, ring 20, Geller-Green, they'll let you in, OK. If you buzz our door, there's no tip for you. OK, thanks. Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up. Joey Tribbiani: What if we have to pee? Chandler Bing: I'll cancel the sodas. Monica Geller: You've got to get back out there, it's your party. Richard Burke: But they're so dull, they're all opthamologists. Monica Geller: You're an opthamologist. Richard Burke: Only because my parents wanted me to be, I wanted to be a sherrif. Phoebe Buffay: That's funny, no. Cadillac, cataract, I get it, no I get it, you stay out there. Richard Burke: See. Monica Geller: Alright, I'll tell you what. I'll come get you in 5 minutes with some sort of um, kabob emergency. Richard Burke: OK. You better. Oh God, here we go. Hey wanna see 'em go nuts? Watch this. Who needs glasses? Phoebe Buffay: You are so smitten. Monica Geller: I am not. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you are so much the smitten kitten. You should ask him out. Monica Geller: Dr. Burke? I don't think so. I mean, like, he's a grown up. Phoebe Buffay: So. You two are totally into each other. Monica Geller: Phoebe, he's a friend of my parents. He's like 20 years older than me. Phoebe Buffay: OK, so what, you're just never gonna see him again? Monica Geller: Not never. I mean, I'm gonna see him tomorrow at my eye appointment. Phoebe Buffay: Didn't you like, just get your eyes checked? Monica Geller: Well yeah, but, you know, uh, 27 is a dangerous eye age. Rachel Green: C'mon, I'm not saying it was a bad movie, I'm just saying, you know, it was a little. . . hard to follow. Ross Geller: I told you there was going to be sub-titles. Rachel Green: I know, I just didn't want to wear my glasses on my first date. Rachel Green: Monica. Ross Geller: It would really help when I'm kissing you if you didn't shout out my sister's name. Rachel Green: Honey, I'm just checking. Ross Geller: Oh. Rachel Green: Monica. Ross Geller: Mon. Rachel Green: Monica. Ross Geller: Mon. Ross Geller: What, what. Rachel Green: I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry, it's just that when you moved your hands down to my butt, it was like woah, Ross's hands are on my butt. Sorry. Ross Geller: And that's, that's funny why? Rachel Green: Well it's not, honey I'm sorry, I guess I'm just nervous. I mean, it's you, ya know, it's us. I mean, we're crossing that line, sort of a big thing. Ross Geller: I, I know it's big, I just didn't know it was uh, ha-ha big. Rachel Green: OK. Ross Geller: OK, my hands were no where near your butt. Rachel Green: I know, I know, I know, I know. I was just thinking about when they were there the last time, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, OK, look, woah, I promise, I'm good, I'm not gonna laugh anymore. OK put your hands back there. Ross Geller: No see now, now I can't because uh, I'm feeling too self conscious. Rachel Green: Just one cheek. Ross Geller: Nuh, uh, the moment's gone. Rachel Green: Alright, just put your hands out and I'll back up into them. Ross Geller: That's romantic. Rachel Green: C'mon touch it. Ross Geller: No. Rachel Green: Oh, come on squeeze it. Ross Geller: No. Rachel Green: Rub it. Ross Geller: No. Rachel Green: Oh, come on, would you just grab my ass. Joey Tribbiani: Wow, look at that. The car is on fire, yet somehow it's expensive paint job is protected by the Miracle Wax. Chandler Bing: You got a Cheeto on your face man. Joey Tribbiani: Hi. Joey Tribbiani: What're you doin' here? Aren't you supposed to be out with Rachel? Ross Geller: That was 14 hours ago. Chandler Bing: So how'd it go? Ross Geller: Oh. Listen, have you ever been uh, you know, foolin' around with a girl and uh, she started laughin'? Chandler Bing: Yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my flock of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin. Joey Tribbiani: She laughed at you? Ross Geller: Yeah. I don't know, I've been wanting this since like ninth grade typing, ya know. And I just want it to be perfect and right and. . . why isn't that laser beam cutting through the paint? Chandler Bing: It's the Miracle Wax. Joey Tribbiani: It certainly is a miracle. Rachel Green: Hi you guys. Ross Geller: Hey. Rachel Green: Hi. Listen, I was um, thinkin' about. . . Chandler Bing: Listen can you guys uh, speak up, it's harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice. Rachel Green: OK, listen, I'm sorry about last night and I really want to make it up to you. Ross Geller: No, you, ya know there's no need to make it u. . . how? Rachel Green: Well, I was thinking maybe a um, a romantic dinner with um, candles and wine and then uh, maybe going back to my place for um, dessert. Ross Geller: Humm, that sounds, I don't, perfect. Rachel Green: What's this. Chandler Bing: Could you get us a couple of beers? Richard Burke: I'm going to look into your eyes now. Monica Geller: Really. Richard Burke: Yeah, that's my job. Alright, look up. . . look down, now open your eyes, now look down. That's right, look into the light. Now look at me. . . OK. Your eyes look good. Those are good eyes. Monica Geller: Good, they feel good, in my head. Richard Burke: So, it's great to see ya. Monica Geller: You too. Richard Burke: You too. Monica Geller: OK, um. Goodbye. Richard Burke: Drops! Monica Geller: What? Richard Burke: Drops. Here, they're free. Monica Geller: Thanks. So, I guess I better be going. Richard Burke: Oh, OK, yeah. I'll see ya later. Monica Geller: Thanks again. Phoebe Buffay: We have got to get you lazy boys out of these chairs. Phoebe Buffay: You know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people. Joey Tribbiani: No, inside good, outside bad. Phoebe Buffay: You guys are so pathetic, I, oh, OH, XANADU! OH. Chandler Bing: She's one of us now. Rachel Green: Hi you guys. Ross Geller: Hey. Ross Geller: Well we just wanted to stop by and uh, say goodnight. Ross Geller: Look at that, they won't even turn their heads. Rachel Green: Alright you guys, I'm takin' off my shirt. Joey Tribbiani: Naa, she's lyin'. Monica Geller: Stop sending food to our apartment. Ross Geller: Well, why're you all dressed up? Phoebe Buffay: You're not the only one who has a date tonight. Ross Geller: What? You have a date? Who with? Monica Geller: No one. Ross Geller: C'mon, what's his name? Monica Geller: Nothing. Ross Geller: Come on, tell me. Monica Geller: Alright, but I'm very excited about this OK, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental. Ross Geller: Oh, I promise, what. Monica Geller: It's Richard Burke. Ross Geller: Who's Richard Burke? Doc, Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a uh, brother to dad. Monica Geller: Well for your information he happens to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated, sexiest men I've ever been with. Ross Geller: Doctor Burke is sexy? Ross Geller: It's the museum again, can I, oh. Rachel Green: Ya know, Dr. Burke kissed me once. Monica Geller: When? Rachel Green: When I was um, 7, I crashed my bike right out in front of his house and to stop me from crying he kissed me right here. Phoebe Buffay: Oh you are so lucky. Rachel Green: I know. Ross Geller: Woah, woah, woah australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No. No. No, n, homo-habilus was erect, australopithicus was never fully erect. Chandler Bing: Well maybe he was nervous. Ross Geller: Oh look, I can't believe this. Look, homo-habilus hasn't even learned how to use tools yet and they've got him here wi, with clay pots. Why don't, why don't they just give him a microwave? I'm sorry, I'm sorry this is taking so long, ya know, I, I, it's just it's longer than I expected, we will have dinner. Rachel Green: It's OK, it's fine. Ross Geller: KARL! Monica Geller: Wow, is that Michelle? Richard Burke: Yep. Monica Geller: I've not seen her since high school graduation. Oh my God, that night she got so dru. . . motional. Richard Burke: Ya know, she's having another baby. Monica Geller: I thought she just had one. Richard Burke: No no. Henry's almost two and he's talking and everyting. Here. You know, the other day he told me he liked me better than his other grandpa. Now in all fairness his other grandpa's a drunk but still. . . Monica Geller: Oh, you're a grandpa. Richard Burke: Yeah. Are we nuts here? Monica Geller: I don't know, maybe. I mean I'm dating a man who's pool I once peed in. Richard Burke: I didn't need to know that. I guess 21 years is a lot. I mean, hell, I'm a whole person who can drink older than you. Monica Geller: Yeah. Richard Burke: So. Monica Geller: So maybe we should just. . . Richard Burke: Yeah, yeah, maybe. Monica Geller: Wow, this really sucks. Richard Burke: Yeah, it sure does. Monica Geller: Well, we don't really have to decide anything right now, do we? Richard Burke: No, no, there's no rush or anything. Delivery Guy: Pizza delivery. Monica Geller: Oh, I'm gonna kill those guys. Ross Geller: Rach. Rachel Green: Oh. Ross Geller: I'm done. Rachel Green: Yeah well, you know what, so is uh, Sorentino's. Ross Geller: Wha, OK, I'm sorry, let's uh, why don't we find someplace else. Rachel Green: No, you know what, it's late, everything's gonna be closed. Why don't we just do it another night? Ross Geller: No, no, we won't. Rachel Green: We won't? Ross Geller: C'mon. Rachel Green: OK, that's dead right? Rachel Green: What is this? What are we doing? Ross Geller: Shh. Do you want cran-apple or cran-grape? Rachel Green: Grape. Ross Geller: OK, now, sit. OK. Rachel Green: Oh, God. Ross Geller: Sorry. Rachel Green: Ah, so what are we looking at? Ross Geller: Well uh, you see that, that little cluster of stars next to the big one? That is Ursa Major. Rachel Green: Really? Ross Geller: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight. Rachel Green: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight. Ross Geller: You're not laughing. Rachel Green: This time it's not so funny. Rachel Green: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK. Ross Geller: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box. Rachel Green: Oh, thank God. Ross Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: Hi you. I can't believe I'm waking up next to you. Ross Geller: I know it is pretty unbelievaaaaah. Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: We're not alone. Joey Tribbiani: Is that the fire alarm? Chandler Bing: Yeah. Oh it's not warm yet, we still have time. Joey Tribbiani: Cool.
Joey Tribbiani: Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat? Chandler Bing: That's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years. Chandler Bing: Waaa-aaah. Joey Tribbiani: What? Chandler Bing: The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, so. Chandler Bing: Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. You used my toothbrush? Joey Tribbiani: Well, that was only 'cause I used the red one to unclog the drain. Chandler Bing: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap? Chandler Bing: Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning. Joey Tribbiani: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash. Chandler Bing: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, look at you fancy lads. What's the occasion? Joey Tribbiani: Well, you know that guy that's on my show that's in a coma? He's havin' a brunch. Phoebe Buffay: Ahh. Rachel Green: OK, ready when you are. Phoebe Buffay: Okey-doke. Monica Geller: I can't believe you guys are actually getting tattoos. Chandler Bing: Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos? Rachel Green: Yes, but you can not tell Ross 'cause I want to surprise him. Joey Tribbiani: Wow, this is wild. What're you gonna get? Phoebe Buffay: Um, I'm getting a lily for my Mom. 'Cause her name's Lily. Chandler Bing: Wow, that's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch? Joey Tribbiani: So where you gettin' it? Phoebe Buffay: I think on my shoulder. Ross Geller: What? What's on your shoulder? Phoebe Buffay: Um, a chip. A tattoo, I'm getting a tattoo. Ross Geller: A tattoo? Why, why would you want to do that? Hi. Rachel Green: Hi. Well hey, you don't - you don't think they're kind of cool? Ross Geller: No, sorry I don't. Tell me why would anyone pay someone to scar their body for life? What if it doesn't come out right Phoebe? Then it's like, I don't know, havin' a bad hair cut all the time. Why's everyone staring at me? Monica Geller: Ross, come sign this birthday card for dad. Rich is gonna be here any minute. Chandler Bing: Oooh, Rich is goin' to the party too, huh? Monica Geller: Well, he's my parents' best friend, he has to be there. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, is today the day you're gonna tell them about you two? Monica Geller: Yeah. It's my dad's birthday, I decided to give him a stroke. Phoebe Buffay: No, I think you should tell them. Monica Geller: No, I don't even know how serious he is about me. Until I do, I'm not telling them anything. Ross Geller: I don't know, I don't think mom and dad would mind. Remember when you were 9 and Richard was 30, how dad used to say, 'God I hope they get together.' Ross Geller: Alright, shall we? Monica Geller: OK, wait, wait, wait, wait. You know what? Ross, let's - let's switch places. You get in the middle. No un-, ya know, unless this looks like we're trying to cover something up. Ross Geller: Monica, Monica, you could come in straddling him, they still wouldn't believe it. We're here. Judy Geller: Oh hi kids. Hi darling. Monica Geller: Happy birthday dad. Ross Geller: Oh thank you. Ross Geller: Hi ma. Richard Burke: Happy birthday. Judy Geller: Well, you kids thank Dr. Burke for the ride? Ross Geller: Uh, actually mom, I think Monica thanked him for the both of us. Friend: Well, you kids take the train in? Judy Geller: No, Richard Burke gave them a ride. Friend: Oh. Speaking of whom, I hear he's got some 20-year-old twinkie in the city. Monica Geller: Finger cramp. Oh God, sorry. Here, let me get that mom. Judy Geller: Sooo, Richard's shopping in the junior section. Monica Geller: Are we still on that? Judy Geller: We just know she's got the IQ of a napkin. Friend: She's probably not even very pretty, just young enough so that everything is still pointing up. Joey Tribbiani: Can you believe this place? Chandler Bing: I know, this is a great apartment. Joey Tribbiani: Ah, I was just in the bathroom, and there's mirrors on both sides of you. So when you're in there it's like you're peein' with the Rockettes. Chandler Bing: Wow, there's my fantasy come true. No, seriously. Joey's Co-Star: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! We were just sayin', great apartment man. Joey's Co-Star: Thanks. You want it? Joey Tribbiani: Huh? Joey's Co-Star: Yeah, I'm movin' to a bigger place. You should definitely take this one. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, can you see me in a place like this? Joey's Co-Star: Why not? You hate park views and high ceilings? C'mon I'll show you the kitchen. Chandler Bing: Oh that's all right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning - on TV. Stop talking. OK. Ross Geller: C'mon, tell us. Friend: Yeah, is she really 20. Richard Burke: I am not telling you guys anything. Ross Geller: C'mon Rich, it's my birthday, let me live vicariously. Ross Geller: Dad, you really don't want to do that. Ross Geller: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends? Richard Burke: Jack, would you let it go? Ross Geller: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got the Porsche. You... you got your own little speedster. Richard Burke: Guys. Seriously, it is not like that. Ross Geller: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou. . . Ross Geller: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence. Ross Geller: What? I'm kidding. You know I'd never let him touch the Porsche. Phoebe Buffay: OK Rach, which, which lily? This lily or that lily? Rachel Green: Well I. . . Phoebe Buffay: I like this lily. It's more open, ya know, and that's like my mom. She had a more open, giving spirit. Ooh, Foghorn Leghorn, ooh. Tattoo Artist: Alright, blonde girl, you're in room two, not so blonde girl, you're with me. Phoebe Buffay: Here we go. Rachel Green: Uh-huh. Phoebe Buffay: You're not going? Rachel Green: Uh-huh. Phoebe Buffay: What? Is it - is this 'cause of what Ross said? Rachel Green: No. Well, yeah, maybe. Phoebe Buffay: I don't believe this. Is this how this relationship's gonna work? Ross equals boss. I mean, c'mon what is this, 1922? Rachel Green: What's 1922? Phoebe Buffay: Just, you know, long time ago. Well, when men used to tell women what to do - a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing but is sounds horrible. Do you want to get this tattoo? Rachel Green: Yes I do, it's just that Ross is. . . Phoebe Buffay: OK, hey, HEY. Is your boyfriend the boss of you? Rachel Green: No. Phoebe Buffay: OK, who is the boss of you?!! Rachel Green: You? Phoebe Buffay: No. You are the boss of you. Now you march your heinie in there and get that heart tattooed on your hip. GO!! Richard Burke: How ya doin'? Monica Geller: I'm a twinkie. Richard Burke: Really? I'm a hero. Monica Geller: Oh, this is so hard. Richard Burke: Yeah, I know. I hate it too. Look, maybe we should just tell them. Monica Geller: Maybe we should just tell your parents first. Richard Burke: My parents are dead. Monica Geller: God, you are so lucky. I mean, I mean. . . you know what I mean. Richard Burke: I know, I know. Just hang in there, OK. OK, I'll go out first, alright. Monica Geller: Alright. Richard Burke: Judy, going to the bathroom, good for you. Judy Geller: Thank you Richard, I appreciate the support. Ross Geller: Honey. Honey, have you seen my Harmon Kilerbrew bat? Bob doesn't believe I have one. Judy Geller: I have no idea. Did you know Richard has a twinkie in the city? Ross Geller: I know. He's like a new man. It's like a scene from Cocoon. Judy Geller: I just never would have pictured Richard with a bimbo. Ross Geller: Apparently, he told Johnny Shapiro that she's quite a girl. In fact, he told Johnny that he thinks he's falling in love with her. Judy Geller: Really. Ross Geller: I tell you, I've never seen him this happy. Judy Geller: So Jack, you ever think about trading me in for a younger model? Ross Geller: Of course not. With you it's like I've got two 25-year-olds. Judy Geller: Oh Jack stop. Ross Geller: C'mon, it's my birthday. Joey Tribbiani: Can we drop this? I am not interested in the guy's apartment. Chandler Bing: Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his mouldings. You want it. Joey Tribbiani: Why would I want another apartment, huh? I've already got an apartment that I love. Chandler Bing: Well it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while. Joey Tribbiani: Alright, you want the truth? I'm thinkin' about it. Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry. I'm 28 years old, I've never lived alone, and I'm finally at a place where I've got enough money that I don't need a roommate anymore. Chandler Bing: Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware. Joey Tribbiani: What're you gettin' so bent out of shape for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie. Chandler Bing: Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it. Joey Tribbiani: Well that's how I feel. Chandler Bing: Well then maybe you should take it. Joey Tribbiani: Well then maybe I will. Chandler Bing: Fine with me. Joey Tribbiani: Great. Then you'll be able to spend more quality time with your real friends, the spoons. Ross Geller: Who's drink can I freshen? Judy Geller: Almost time for cake. Ross Geller: Mon, Mon, are you OK? Monica Geller: You remember that video I found of mom and dad? Ross Geller: Yeah. Monica Geller: Well, I just caught the live show. Ross Geller: Eww. Monica Geller: Hey there. Richard Burke: What? Monica Geller: Nothing, I just heard something nice about you. Richard Burke: Humm, really? Judy Geller: Richard. Richard. Your son isn't seeing anyone is he? Richard Burke: Uhh, not that I know of. Judy Geller: Well, I was thinking, why doesn't he give Monica a call? Richard Burke: That - that's an idea. Monica Geller: Well, actually, I'm already seeing someone. Judy Geller: Oh? Richard Burke: Oh? Ross Geller: Ohh. Judy Geller: She never tells us anything. Ross, did you know Monica's seeing someone? Ross Geller: Mom, there are so many people in my life. Some of them are seeing people and some of them aren't. Is that crystal? Judy Geller: So, who's the mystery man? Monica Geller: Well, uh, he's a doctor. Judy Geller: A real doctor? Monica Geller: No, a doctor of meat. Of course he's a real doctor. And he's handsome, and he's sweet, and know you'd like him. Judy Geller: Well that's wonderful. . . I Monica Geller: Mom, it's OK. Richard Burke: It is Judy. Judy Geller: Jack. Could you come in here for a moment? NOW! Ross Geller: Found it. Ross Geller: I'll take that dad. Judy Geller: It seems your daughter and Richard are something of an item. Ross Geller: That's impossible, he's got a twinkie in the city. Monica Geller: Dad, I'm the twinkie. Ross Geller: You're the twinkie? Richard Burke: She's not a twinkie. Monica Geller: Al-alright, l-look you guys, this is the best relationship I've been in. . . Judy Geller: Oh please, a relationship. Monica Geller: Yes, a relationship. For your information I am crazy about this man. Richard Burke: Really? Monica Geller: Yes. Ross Geller: Am I supposed to stand here and listen to this on my birthday? Monica Geller: Dad, dad this is a good thing for me. Ya know, and you even said yourself, you've never seen Richard happier. Ross Geller: When did I say that? Monica Geller: Upstairs in the bathroom right before you felt up mom. Phoebe Buffay: Oh that looks so good, oh I love it. Rachel Green: I know, so do I. Oh Phoebe, I'm so glad you made me do this. OK, lemme se yours. Phoebe Buffay: Ahh. OK, let's see yours again. Rachel Green: Phoebe we just saw mine, let me see yours. Phoebe Buffay: Oh OK. Oh no, oh it's gone, that's so weird, I don't know how-where it went. Rachel Green: You didn't get it? Phoebe Buffay: No. Rachel Green: Why didn't you get it? Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Rachel Green: Phoebe, how would you do this to me? This was all your idea. Phoebe Buffay: I know, I know, and I was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles? Rachel Green: Really? You don't say, because mine was licked on by kittens. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Chandler Bing: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey listen, I'm sorry about what happened. . . Chandler Bing: Yeah me too. Joey Tribbiani: I know. Yeah. Chandler Bing: Yeah. So do we need to hug here or. . . Joey Tribbiani: No, we're alright. Chandler Bing: So I got ya something. Joey Tribbiani: Plastic spoons. Great. Chandler Bing: Lick away my man. Joey Tribbiani: These'll go great in my new place. You know, 'till I get real ones. Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I can't use these forever. I mean, let's face it, they're no friend to the environment. Chandler Bing: No-no, I mean what, what's this about your new place? Joey Tribbiani: I'm movin' out like we talked about. Chandler Bing: Well I didn't think that was serious. Ya know I thought that was just a fight. Joey Tribbiani: Well, it was a fight. . . based on serious stuff, remember. About how I never lived alone or anything. I just think it would be good for me, ya know, help me to grow or. . . whatever. Chandler Bing: Well, there you go. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, are you cool with this. I mean, I don't want to leave you high and dry. Chandler Bing: Hey, no, I've never been lower or wetter. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game room or somethin', you know, put the foosball table in there. Joey Tribbiani: Woah. Why do you get to keep the table? Chandler Bing: I did pay for half of it. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. And uh, I paid for the other half. Chandler Bing: Alright I'll tell you what, I'll play you for it. Joey Tribbiani: Alright, you're on. I can take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass. Chandler Bing: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister. Joey Tribbiani: Woah, woah, woah, woah. Which sister? Monica Geller: So, are you sorry that I told them? Richard Burke: No, it's been a long time since your dad and I went running. Rachel Green: Oh. Monica Geller: Oh. Well did you get it? Let me see. Rachel Green: Is Ross here? Monica Geller: No he went out to get pizza. Rachel Green: Oh really, OK. Monica Geller: That's great. Richard Burke: Very tasteful. Phoebe Buffay: Wanna see mine, wanna see mine? Monica Geller: Yes. Rachel Green: What? You didn't get one. Phoebe Buffay: OK, well then what is this? Richard Burke: What're we looking at? That blue freckle? Phoebe Buffay: OK, that's my tattoo. Rachel Green: That is not a tattoo, that is a nothing. I finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched her with a needle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it. Phoebe Buffay: OK, hi. For your information this is exactly what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great distance. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven. Rachel Green: Oh, what a load of crap. That is a dot. Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?' OK, Phoebe, that is not a tattoo, this is a tattoo. Ross Geller: You got a tattoo? Rachel Green: Maybe. But just a little one. Phoebe got the whole world. Ross Geller: Lemme see. Rachel Green: Well? Ross Geller: Well it's really. . . sexy. I wouldn't have thought it would be but. . . wow. Rachel Green: Really? Ross Geller: Yeah, so uh, is it sore or can you do stuff? Rachel Green: I guess. Ross Geller: Hey, save us some pizza. Joey Tribbiani: Get out of the corner. Pass it, pass it. Chandler Bing: Stop talkin' to your men. Joey Tribbiani: Yes! And the table is mine. Chandler Bing: Congratulations. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you guys are still gonna come visit me, right? Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, you got the big TV. We'll be over there all the time. . . except when we are here. Phoebe Buffay: I know you're just moving uptown but I'm really gonna miss you. Monica Geller: I know, how can you not be accross the hall anymore. Rachel Green: Yeah, who's gonna eat all our food, and tie up our phone lines, and - is that my bra? What the hell you doin' with my bra? Joey Tribbiani: Oh no-no, it's uh, it's not what you think. We uh, we used it to, you know, fling water balloons off the roof. Remember that, those junior high kids couldn't even get theirs accross the street. Chandler Bing: Yeah, I remember. Ross Geller: Hey, let's bring the rest of these down to the truck. Chandler Bing: So, uhh, em, you want me to uh, give you a hand with the foosball table? Joey Tribbiani: Naa, you keep it, you need the practice. Chandler Bing: Thanks. Joey Tribbiani: So, I guess this is it. Chandler Bing: Yeah, right, yeah, I guess so. Joey Tribbiani: Listen, uh, I don't know when I'm gonna see you again. Chandler Bing: Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house. Joey Tribbiani: Right, yeah. OK. Um, take care. Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Huh? So whaddya think? Casa de Joey. Huh? I decorated it myself. Ross Geller: Get out. Everyone: No. Monica Geller: Wow Joey, this is, uhh... Joey Tribbiani: Art. Monica Geller: Art it is. Ross Geller: Look, check this out. Is it a coffee table, is it a panther? There's no need to decide. Rachel Green: Hey, nice pillow. So now tell me, is this genuine Muppet skin? Phoebe Buffay: Hey, excellent, excellent water-table thing. Joey Tribbiani: Thanks, yeah. I love this but ya know what, it makes me wanna pee. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, well me too, yeah. I think that's the challenge. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, how come, uhh, Chandler didn't come? Ross Geller: Well uh, it's cause he had a thing with, wi-, with the thing. Joey Tribbiani: Right, I go-, I got it. Phoebe Buffay: So why don't ya show us the rest of your casa? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Uh, oh, OH, the best part, c'mon. Heh? Rachel Green: Hey, nice toilet. Joey Tribbiani: No no no, behind it. Ross Geller: Wha-, you have a phone in here? Joey Tribbiani: That's right, I have a phone in here. Monica Geller: Joey, promise me something. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Monica Geller: Never call me from that phone. Rachel Green: OK, here we go. Honey, I'm sorry, they were all out of apple pie, someone just got the last piece. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. You are not gonna believe this. I have just been discovered. Chandler Bing: Now wait a minute, I claimed you in the name of France four years ago. Phoebe Buffay: Anyway, OK, now promise you won't like, freak out and say how great this is until I'm done, OK. Everyone: OK. Phoebe Buffay: OK. I just met this producer of this like, teeny record company, who said that I have a very fresh, offbeat sound and she wants to do a demo of Smelly Cat. Everyone: Phoebe Buffay: I told you not to do that yet. And, she wants to do a video. Everyone: Phoebe Buffay: I'm not done yet, OK. God. OK, if that goes well, they may even want to make an album. Phoebe Buffay: I'm done now. Everyone: Rachel Green: Oh God. Ross, OK, if you care about me at all, you will get the pie out of the man's hood. Ross Geller: Get the what? Rachel Green: Pie in the hood, pie in the hood. Go. Guy: What're you doing? Ross Geller: I'm sorry, my pie was, was in your hood. Now I just have to get the coffee out of that guy's pants and I'll be back in the hospital by 7. Monica Geller: Damnit Ross, get your butt out of the bathroom. Ross Geller: Calm down, I'm blow drying. Monica Geller: Blow drying what, you have no hair. Rachel Green: What's goin' on? Monica Geller: Your boyfriend has been in there for over an hour. I can't believe it, it's like I'm living with him again. He's here when I go to sleep, he's here when I wake up, he's here when I want to use the shower, ughh. It's like I'm sixteen all over again . Rachel Green: Well, you're not sixteen, you're both adults now. Monica Geller: GET OUT YOU DUFUS!! Rachel Green: Or ya know, he's rubber and you're glue. Ross Geller: All yours. Monica Geller: I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain. Ross Geller: I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain. Monica Geller: Shut up. Ross Geller: Shut up. Monica Geller: Cut it out. Ross Geller: Mi-mi-mii. Rachel Green: I've never wanted you more. Chandler Bing: So, whaddya say boys, should I call him? Well, ya know what they say. Ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy. Joey Tribbiani: Hello. Chandler Bing: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Listen, I'm, I'm sorry I didn't make it over there today. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, that's OK. You uh, you had a thing. Chandler Bing: Yeah well, I hear the place looks great. Joey Tribbiani: Ahh, forget about it, I'm havin' a ball. How's the apartment doin' Chandler Bing: Oh hey, it's, it's terriffic. I mean it's a regular space... fest. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, well great. Chandler Bing: Yeah I just... wanted to call and say hey. Joey Tribbiani: Well OK then. Was that the oven timer? Chandler Bing: That's right my friend. It's time for... Both: Baywatch!! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, can you believe they gave Stephanie skin cancer? Chandler Bing: I still can't believe they promoted her to lieutenant. Joey Tribbiani: Naa, you're just sayin' that 'cause you're in love with Yasmine Blepe. Chandler Bing: Well, how could anyone not be in love with Yasmine Blepe? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, they're runnin' Chandler Bing: See, this is the brilliance of the show. I say always keep them running. All the time, running. Run. Run Yasmine, run like the wind. Monica Geller: But I thought you wanted to live by yourself. Joey Tribbiani: I did. I thought it'd be great. I figured I'd have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya know, it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think. Phoebe Buffay: Joey, why don't you talk to Chandler about moving back? Joey Tribbiani: You really think he'd take me? I mean, we had a pretty good talk last night but, when I moved out, I hurt him bad. Monica Geller: I promise you, he would definitely want you back. Ross Geller: I'm telling you, there's no way he's moving back. Chandler Bing: But we had one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was like when we first started living together. Ross Geller: Look, I know you don't want to hear this right now but, we've seen him in his new place, alright. And he's happy, he's, he's decorated. Rachel Green: Look, Chandler, he has moved on, OK, you have to too. Chandler Bing: But... Ross Geller: No. You're just gonna have to accept the fact that you're just friends now, OK, you're not... rommmates anymore. Producer: OK Phoebe, you ready to try one? Phoebe Buffay: OK. Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat Oh woah, oh my God. I mean like, who was that? Producer: They're your backup singers... beind you. Phoebe Buffay: OH!! Oh I thought they were just watching me. You know, like at, like at an aquarium, ya know. Producer: Alrighty. From the top. Phoebe Buffay: OK. Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat OK, sorry. I'm just, I'm just not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this cat acually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, 'cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat. Producer: Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. It's just that it's costing about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here. Phoebe Buffay: Oh OK. So, um, the cat stinks but you love it, let's go. Ross Geller: No, there is no way he was a velociraptor. No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was a velociraptor, he would have eaten the Flintstones. Yeah, yeah. Oh, were you takin' a nap? Monica Geller: I was. Ross Geller: Oh I-, Oh wait, Tony can you hang on? That's the other line. Hello. Oh yeah she's here but uh, can she call you back? OK thanks. Call Joanna. Hi. Monica Geller: Did she leave a number? Ross Geller: Did you see me write one down? Monica Geller: I don't have her number, butt-munch. Ross Geller: Well, she'll call back, don't be such a baby. Monica Geller: I'm not a baby, you're the baby. Ross Geller: Look, you wanna get off my back? Monica Geller: You wanna get out of my face? Ross Geller: Wait hold on Tony, hold on. Hello. Hi, yeah no, she's right here. Um hold on. Hi Tony, can I call you back? That's uh, that's my sister's boyfriend. Monica Geller: Give me that. Ross Geller: OK. Monica Geller: Hi sweetie, look before I forget, did I leave my diaphram at your place? Hi mom. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Chandler Bing: So uhh, how's the palace? Joey Tribbiani: You know it's funny you should mention that 'cause I was thinkin'... what's with the boxes? Chandler Bing: Oh, uhh, actually I uh, have some news. Eddie Menuek: Hey Chan, is that Joey guy gonna come by and pick up his moose hat or should I just toss it out? Chandler Bing: Well, uh, why don't you ask him yourself. Joey, this is my new roommate Eddie. Eddie Menuek: Nice to meet ya. Joey Tribbiani: Likewise. Uh, I'll take that. It's what I came for. So, this is new. Where'd you two meet? Eddie Menuek: At the uh, supermarket, in the uh, ethnic food section. I helped him pick out a chorizo. Joey Tribbiani: Wow. Chandler Bing: Well you know, we got to talking and uh, he said he needed a place and I had a spare room. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, now it's a spare room? Chandler Bing: Well yeah, in that it's not being used and I... have it to spare. Joey Tribbiani: Well I uh, got what I came for. I'll uh, I'll see you guys. Chandler Bing: Hey Jo. When'd you start usin' mousse in your hair? Eddie Menuek: Is this guy great or what? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah he is. Monica Geller: I can't believe he has a new roommate. Who is this guy? Ross Geller: Uh, Eddie something. He just met him. Rachel Green: It'll never last, he's just a rebound roommate. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Everyone: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, check it out, oh check it out. It's Smelly Cat the video. Everyone: Phoebe Buffay: Now OK, I haven't seen it yet so, if you don't like it, well, so what, none of you ever made a video. OK. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God. Ross Geller: I know. Phoebe Buffay: I sound amazing. I, I, I've never heard myself sing before. I mean, except in my own head. Oh, this is so cool, now I can hear what you hear. Rachel Green: Pretty uhm, different huh? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I am sorry but I am incredibly talented. Eddie Menuek: Hi Joey, what's goin' on man? Joey Tribbiani: Eddie. Chandler Bing: Morning. Joey Tribbiani: Morning. I just uh, came by to pick up my mail. Where's the mail? Chandler Bing: Oh it's uh, over there on the table. Joey Tribbiani: You don't keep it over here on this table any more? Chandler Bing: No, Eddie likes to keep it over there. Eddie Menuek: Alright, here you go my friend. Eggs a-la Eddie, huh? Chandler Bing: Oh, ooh. Joey Tribbiani: Huh. Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: No I just uh, thought you liked your eggs with the bread with the hole in the middle, a-la me. Chandler Bing: Well I do, but uh, Eddie makes them this way and, well they're pretty darn good. Eddie Menuek: Well you guys, I'm outta here. See ya pals. Chandler Bing: See ya. Joey Tribbiani: So how you two gettin' along? Chandler Bing: Oh, I couldn't be happier. Joey Tribbiani: Great, well, I'm happy for ya. Alright that's it. He just comes in here, Mr. Jonny Neweggs, with his, his, his movin' the mail and his, his 'see ya pals'. And now there's no juice. There's no juice f or the people who need the juice and want the juice. I need the juice. Chandler Bing: There's another carton right over there. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, this isn't about juice anymore, alright man. Chandler Bing: Alright, so what's it about? Joey Tribbiani: Eggs. Who's eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh? Chandler Bing: Well I like both eggs equally. Joey Tribbiani: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which. Chandler Bing: Well what's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs? Monica Geller: I wanna watch Entertainment Tonight. Ross Geller: Tough noogies, we're watching Predators of the Serengetti. Rachel Green: Would you guys stop. Monica Geller: It's my TV. Ross Geller: Wha-, oh, quit it. Monica Geller: Bite me. Rachel Green: Oh my God. Ross Geller: Well, Monica keeps changin' the channel. Monica Geller: Oh that's great, why don't you tell mommy on me. Rachel Green: Now I'm mommy in this little play? Alright look, I refuse to get sucked into this like, weird little Geller dimension thing OK. So I'm gonna go and take a nice long hot bubble bath because you kids are driving me crazy. Monica Geller: OK, what're we gonna do about this? Ross Geller: Well, I guess we could tape Entertainment Tonight. Monica Geller: Not that, this, US. Oh my God, Ross, you-re, you're, it's jus-, you-, ever sin- you been here. Ross Geller: Ow, ow, OK. Alright, alright, Mon, Mon, you've gone ultrasonic again, alright. Monica Geller: I just can't stand you being here all the time. Ross Geller: Why, why, why can't you stand me being here? I don't, I, we're just, ya know, we're just havin' fun. Monica Geller: Fun? Fun, you think this is fun? Ross Geller: Yeah, c'mon I mean I though, you know, I thought we're just foolin' around. Like when, uh, when we were kids. Monica Geller: Ross, I hated you when we were kids. Ross Geller: You hated me when we were kids? Monica Geller: Yes. I hated you. I mean I, I, loved you in a 'you're my brother so I have to' kind of way, but basically, yeah, I hated your guts. Ross Geller: Why did you hate me? Monica Geller: Because, you were mean to me and you, you teased me and you always, always got your way. Ross Geller: And that wasn't fun for you? Monica Geller: Duh-huh! Ross Geller: I can't believe you hated me. Monica Geller: Now I love you. And not just 'cause I have to. Ross Geller: Really? Monica Geller: Yeah. You're just gonna have to stop pissing me off. Ross Geller: I can do that. Monica Geller: Then I won't have to kill you. Ross Geller: So you wanna watch uh, Entertainment Tonight? Monica Geller: Yeah, thanks. You know what? Ross Geller: What? Monica Geller: If you really want to watch that Serengetti thing, you can. Ross Geller: Ohh... OK. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Everyone: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Listen. You are not going to believe this but, that is not me singing on the video. Everyone: No. Phoebe Buffay: Yes. Rachel Green: Well, how did you find out? Phoebe Buffay: Well, OK, the record company sent over this piece of paper for me to sign, saying that it's OK for someone else to sing for me. That was my first clue. Monica Geller: So what're you gonna do? Phoebe Buffay: Well, I can't work with people who would do this. Monica Geller: Sure. Phoebe Buffay: I mean this poor woman. Ross Geller: What woman? Phoebe Buffay: The voice woman. Ya know, I mean, she has a great voice but she doesn't have a video. Rachel Green: OK, Phoebs. But what about you? Phoebe Buffay: Well I have a video, you have to pay attention. No this, this voice woman, she's so talented but, according to the producer people, they said she doesn't have like the right look or something, ya know. I mean, it's like, she's like one of those an imals at the pound who like nobody wants 'cause they're not pretty enough or you know. Like, like some old dog who's just kind of like stinky and. Huuuuh, oh my God, she's smelly cat. Oh, oh that song has so many levels. Chandler Bing: Hey Eddie, you uh, wanna play some foosball? Eddie Menuek: No thanks man, I'm not uh, I'm not really into sports. Chandler Bing: Yeah o-, OK, alright. Doesn't matter, time for Baywatch. Eddie Menuek: Y-, y-, you like that show? Chandler Bing: You don't like that show? Eddie Menuek: Wha-, n-, no. I mean it's just a bunch of pretty people runnin' around on the beach, ya know. Chandler Bing: Well that's the brilliance of it. The pretty people... and the running. Eddie Menuek: I tell ya, I-, I'm gonna go read in my room for a little while. Chandler Bing: Oh o-, OK man. Phoebe Buffay: Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Everybody. Everyone: Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, it's not your fault. Phoebe Buffay: Monica. Monica Geller: They won't take you to the vet. Phoebe Buffay: Chandler. Chandler Bing: You're obviously not their favorite pet. Monica Geller: Joey. Joey Tribbiani: It may not be a bed of roses. Phoebe Buffay: Rachel. Rachel Green: And you're no friend to those with noses. Phoebe Buffay: Uh, Ross, those are the only lines we have, sorry. OK, you guys, once more.
Amber: Oh Drake. Dr. Drake Ramoray: I'm sorry Amber. It's just like Brad to have to have the last word. Ross Geller: I'm sorry I'm late, what happened? Monica Geller: We, we just wanna see the end. Amber: I want you Drake. Dr. Drake Ramoray: I know you do but you and I can never be together that way. Amber: What? Dr. Drake Ramoray: There's something I never told you Amber. I'm actually your half- brother. Rachel Green: So what happens next? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I get the medical award for separating the siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramone. And that's where I find the world's biggest emerald. It's really big but it's cursed. Chandler Bing: God that is good TV. Chandler Bing: Phoebs, play with meeee. Phoebe Buffay: No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-rights violation. Chandler Bing: Ya know Phoebs, don't feel so bad for 'em. After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time. Phoebe Buffay: Why don't you play with your roommate? Chandler Bing: Ah he's a, he's not a big fan of foosball. Phoebe Buffay: Uh oh, ooh, are we not getting along with the new boy? Chandler Bing: No he's, he's alright, just uh, he spends most of his time in his room. Phoebe Buffay: Maybe that's because you haven't taken the time to get to know him. Let's remedy that, shall we? Chandler Bing: We don't need to remedy that. Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, it'll be fun. Eddie Menuek: What was that? Phoebe Buffay: Hi, um, I just thought that it would be fun if the three of us had some beers and got to know each other. Eddie Menuek: Yeah alright, that sounds alright. Phoebe Buffay: Oh good, ok. Oh nooo, I have to go because I'm late for my um, Green Eggs and Ham discussion group. Um tonight it's why he would not eat them on a train. Have fun bye. Chandler Bing: That was so lame. Phoebe Buffay: I know, yeah. Ok, talk to him. Chandler Bing: So, you uh, you think that Speed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets er? Eddie Menuek: That's good, that's good. So, so, so who broke up with who? Chandler Bing: What're you kidding? I broke up with her. She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia. Eddie Menuek: That's good man, when everybody knows that the uh, the capital of Cambodia is uh... Chandler Bing: Well it's not Sean Penn. Eddie Menuek: Not Sean Penn. Alright, I, I've got a funny one, alright. My last girlfriend Tilly. Ok, we're eating breakfast, right, and I made all these pancakes, there was like 50 pancakes right. And all of the sudden she turns to me, alright, and she says, 'Eddie.' I say, 'yeah,' she says, 'Eddie, I don't want to see you anymore.' And it was literally like she had reached into my chest, ripped out my heart, and smeared it all over my life, ya know. And now there's like this incredible abyss, ya know, and I'm falling and I keep falling and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop. That uh, wasn't such a funny story, was it? Phoebe Buffay: And a crusty old man said I'll do what I can and the rest of the rats played moroccas. That's it, thanks, good night. Richard Burke: Phoebe's got another job, right? Rachel Green: Great set tonight Phoebs. Phoebe Buffay: I know. Ross Geller: Well, we should probably get going. Richard Burke: Um, we should go too, I got patients at 8 in the moring. Monica Geller: Ya know, I was thinking. Ya know how we always stay at your apartment? Well, I thought maybe tonight we'd stay at my place. Richard Burke: I don't know, I don't have my jammies. Monica Geller: Well, maybe you don't need them. Ross Geller: My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen. Monica Geller: Shut up, I'm happy. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, this is so nice. Alright I have to make a speech. I just wanna say that of all the guys that Monica has been with, and that is a lot, I like you the best. Richard Burke: Oh, thank you Phoebs. That's very sweet. Phoebe Buffay: Ok. Richard Burke: Hear that? She likes me best, and apparently there've been a lot. Monica Geller: Not a lot, Phoebe's kidding, Phoebe's crazy. Rachel Green: Phoebe's dead. Tilly: Hi. Chandler Bing: Hi. Tilly: I'm looking for Eddie Minowick. Chandler Bing: Oh, uh, he's not here right now, uh, I'm Chandler, can I take a message, or, or a fishtank? Tilly: Thanks. Chandler Bing: Oh, oh, c'mon in. Tilly: I'm Tilly. Chandler Bing: Oh. Tilly: I gather by that oh that he told you about me. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, your uh, name came up in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very soul. Tilly: He's kind of intense huh? Chandler Bing: Yes. Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a little... Eddie Menuek: A little what? Chandler Bing: Bit country? C'mon in here you roomie. Eddie Menuek: Hello Tilly. Tilly: Eddie, I just came by to drop off your tank. Eddie Menuek: That's very thoughtful of you. It's very thougtful. Tilly: Well, ok then. I'm gonna go. Bye. Eddie Menuek: Bye-bye. Chandler Bing: Bye. Chandler Bing: So, we gettin' a fish? Eddie Menuek: You had sex with her didn't you? Joey Tribbiani: Phoebs, check it out, check it out, check it out, check it out. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, ooh, Soap Opera Digest, oh that's one of my favorite digests. Joey Tribbiani: Page 42, page 42, page 42. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, ok, ok. Ooh, hey 'new doc on the block, Days of Our Lives' Joey Tribbiani.' Ooh, cool picture. Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, I look good. Phoebe Buffay: Hey is this true, that you write a lot of your own lines? Joey Tribbiani: Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well the line in the script was, 'If we don't get this woman to a hospital, she's going to die.' But I made it, ' If this woman doesn't get to a hospital, she's not gonna live.' Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, ok, I see what you did there. Aren't you afraid though, that the writers are gonna be kinda mad when they read this? Joey Tribbiani: Huh? Never really thought about the writers. The scripts just kinda come to my house. But you know what? This makes me look good, which makes the show look good, which makes the writers look good so how could they be mad about that? Writer: Makes up most of his lines. Son-of-a-. Yeah, well, write this jerkweed. Joey Tribbiani: I fall down an elevator shaft? What the hell does this mean, I fall down an elevator shaft? Delivery Guy: Uhh, I don't know, I just bring the scripts. Joey Tribbiani: They can't kill me, I'm Francesca's long lost son. Delivery Guy: Right. Could you sign this? Joey Tribbiani: No. No way, I'm not signing that. Delivery Guy: I don't think that's gonna affect the plot of the show. Joey Tribbiani: How can they do this to me? Delivery Guy: Er, uh, I'm just gonna go. Sorry. Monica Geller: Well it wasn't that many guys. I mean, if you consider how many guys there actually are, it's a very small percentage. Rachel Green: Hey, it's not that big a deal, I was just curious. Ross Geller: G'night. Richard Burke: Night Richard. Good luck Mon. Monica Geller: Alright, before I tell you, uh, why don't you tell me how many women you've been with. Richard Burke: Two. Monica Geller: Two? TWO? How is that possible? I mean, have you seen you? Richard Burke: Well, I mean what can I say? I, I was married to Barbara for 30 years. She was my high school sweetheart, now you, that's two. Monica Geller: Two it is. Ok, time for bed, I'm gonna go brush my teeth. Richard Burke: Woah, woah, no wait a minute now. C'mon it's your turn. Oh c'mon. Ya know, I don't need the actual number, just a ballpark. Monica Geller: Ok, it is definitely less than a ballpark. Rachel Green: Wow, I am so glad I'm not Monica right now. Ross Geller: Tell me about it. So what, what's your magic number? Rachel Green: Uhhhooo. Ross Geller: C'mon, you know everyone I've been with. All, both of them. Rachel Green: Well, there's you. Ross Geller: Better not be doin' these in order. Rachel Green: Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo. Ross Geller: Oh yes, the weenie from Torrini. Rachel Green: Oh honey, are you jealous of Paolo? Oh, c'mon, I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him. Ross Geller: Really? Rachel Green: Oh please. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, ya know, meaningless animal sex. Ok, ya know, that sounded soooo much better in my head. Chandler Bing: Eddie, I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend. Eddie Menuek: That's very interesting, ya know, 'cause that's exactly what someone who slept with her would say. Chandler Bing: This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of story. Eddie Menuek: Where's Buddy? Chandler Bing: Buddy? Eddie Menuek: My fish, Buddy. Chandler Bing: There was no fish when she dropped it off. Eddie Menuek: Oh, this is, this is unbelievable. I mean, first you sleep with my ex-girlfriend then you insult my inteligenct by lying about it and then you kill my fish, my Buddy? Chandler Bing: Hey I didn't kill your fish. Look Eddie... Would you look at what I'm doin' here. That can't be smart. So we're just gonna take this guy right off ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket. Tangellon? Richard Burke: That's it? That's the giant number you were afraid to tell me? Monica Geller: Well yeah. Richard Burke: Well, that's not bad at all. I mean, you had me thinkin it was like a fleet. Monica Geller: You really ok with it? Richard Burke: Oh honey, I'm fine. Monica Geller: Oh, yay. Ok about that two. Richard Burke: What? Alright, what about my two? Monica Geller: Well, it just seems like a really small number. Richard Burke: Right, and... Monica Geller: And, well, don't you have a lot of wild oats to sew? Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh my God, am I an oat? Richard Burke: Honey, you are not an oat. I, I mean I don't know, I, I guess I'm just not an oat guy. I've only slept with women I've been in love with. Monica Geller: But you've only slept with two people. Richard Burke: Right. Monica Geller: Wow. Oh wow. You know I love you too, right. Richard Burke: Now I do. Rachel Green: Ross, Ross, please listen to me. Ross, you are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean you care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh. Ross Geller: Oh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea, why don't you invite Paulo over and have a little romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes. Rachel Green: God, Ross, look, what you and I have is special, all Paolo and I ever had was... Ross Geller: Animal sex, animal sex? So what're you saying, I mean, you're saying that like, there's nothing between us animal at all. I mean there's not even like, uhm, a little animal, not even, not even like, like chipmunk sex? Rachel Green: Ok, Ross, try to hear me. Ok, I, hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Ok, it was good with Paolo. Ross Geller: Knock-knock. Rachel Green: But, what you and I have is so much better. Ok, we have tenderness, we have intimacy, we connect. Ya know, I swear, this is the best I have ever had. Ross Geller: Until now. Rachel Green: Oh, hi. Monica Geller: Hi. Richard just told me he loves me. Rachel Green: Oh my God, honey that's great. Monica Geller: I know. I just can't find... Rachel Green: Oh they're in the top drawer. Hurry. Monica Geller: You need one too? Rachel Green: Ooooh yeah. Monica Geller: There's only one. Richard Burke: Monica. Monica Geller: Hi. Uh, we'll be right there, we're just trying to decide something. Ross Geller: Rachel. Hey. Richard Burke: Hey. They're just trying to decide somehting. Ross Geller: Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different? Richard Burke: No. Ross Geller: Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat? Richard Burke: I have a little comb. Ross Geller: Oh. And what do you call that? Richard Burke: A moustache comb. Rachel Green: Ok, I, I will do your laundry for one month. Monica Geller: No. Rachel Green: Ok, ok, ok, I will, I will, I, hey, I will clean the apartment for two months. Monica Geller: Alright, I tell you what, I'll give this to you now if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan. Rachel Green: Agghhh. Ross Geller: So were you in Nam? Rachel Green: Rock-paper-scissors? Monica Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: Yeesss. Monica Geller: Fine, go have sex. Richard Burke: No. You have got it completely wrong. John Savage was deerhunter, no legs, John Voit was coming home, couldn't feel his legs. Ross Geller: No, no way. You've got it totally the other way around my friend. John Voit was... Rachel Green: Honey. Ross Geller: What, what oh... Richard Burke: Shall we? Monica Geller: It's not gonna happen. They're doing it tonight, we can do it tomorrow. Richard Burke: Uh, in the future, if I could see the schedule beforehand... Chandler Bing: So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes. Monica Geller: Why? Chandler Bing: Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish. Phoebe Buffay: Why would you kill his fish? Chandler Bing: Because sometimes, Phoebe after you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish. Rachel Green: Chandler honey, I'm sorry. Ok, can we watch Joey's show now please? Ross Geller: Yeah. Monica Geller: Wait, he's not here yet. Rachel Green: So, he's on the show, he knows what happens. Ross Geller: Yeah. Monica Geller: Alright. Chandler Bing: Oh, I'm fine about my problem now, by the way. Rachel Green: Oh good. Dr. Drake Ramoray: Amber, I want you to know that I'll always be there for you, as a friend and as your brother. Amber: Oh Drake. Dr. Horton: Hard day huh? First the medical award, this. Dr. Drake Ramoray: Some guys are just lucky I guess. Intercom: Dr. Remore, report to first floor emergency, stat. Dr. Drake Ramoray: Well then, uh, I uhh, guess that's me. Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr. Horton, Dr. Wong? Dr. Horton: No, no, they only said you. Dr. Drake Ramoray: Oh, ok. Alright. Amber: I love you Drake. Dr. Drake Ramoray: Yeah, whatever. Oh no. Amber: Drake, look out. Dr. Drake Ramoray: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Monica Geller: Did they just kill off Joey? Ross Geller: No. Now maybe. Ross Geller: C'mon. Rachel Green: Joey. Ross Geller: Open up. We want to talk to you. Joey Tribbiani: I don't feel like talkin. Rachel Green: Oh c'mon Joey, we care about you. Chandler Bing: We're worried about you. Monica Geller: And some of us really have to pee. Monica Geller: Sorry Joey Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Listen, sorry about your death, that really sucks. Chandler Bing: We came over as soon as we saw. Ross Geller: How could you not tell us? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know, I was kinda hopin' no one would ever find out. Rachel Green: Well, maybe they can find a way to bring you back. Joey Tribbiani: Naa, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor that could have saved me was me. Supposed to be some kind of irony or somethin. Phoebe Buffay: But Joey, you're gonna be fine. You don't need that show, it was just a dumb soap opera. Joey Tribbiani: Phoebe, this was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Phoebe Buffay: Yes, I was going to incorporate that. Oh good, here's Monica, she'll have something nice to say. Monica Geller: Um, I straightened out your shower curtain so you won't get mildew. What? To me that's nice. Chandler Bing: It's gonna be ok. You know that? Joey Tribbiani: No, I don't. It's like, ya know, you work your whole life for somethin' and you think that when you get it it's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But this so was. Ya know, it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credit card application, and I was pre- approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life. Chandler Bing: I'm sorry man. Rachel Green: Yeah, Joey honey, I don't know if this'll mean anything to you but you'll always be pre-approved with us. Joey Tribbiani: No, that means nothin to me. Chandler Bing: Uhhhaahh. Eddie Menuek: Pecan sandy, just made em. Chandler Bing: Yeah alright. What're these, raisins? Eddie Menuek: Uh, sure, why not. Chandler Bing: Listen Eddie, um, I've been thinking about our current living situation and uh, why are you smiling? Eddie Menuek: I got a little surprise, look. There's a new fishie. I named him uh, Chandler, you know, after, after you. Chandler Bing: Well that's not an, even a real fish. No, that's a goldfish cracker. Eddie Menuek: What's you point man? Chandler Bing: Ok, good night. You big freak of nature. Ross Geller: Hey. Richard Burke: Hey. Ross Geller: Hey. Richard Burke: Ohh, brisk tonight. Ross Geller: Oh man. Richard Burke: Let's never speak of this. Ross Geller: You got it.
Chandler Bing: Hey Eddie. Daahh!! What're you doin' here? Eddie Menuek: Nothin' roomie, just watchin' you sleep. Chandler Bing: Why? Eddie Menuek: Makes me feel um, peaceful, heh-heh, please. Chandler Bing: I can't sleep now. Eddie Menuek: You want me to sing? Chandler Bing: No, look, that's it, it's over, I want you out, I want you out of the apartment now. Eddie Menuek: Woah, woah, woah, what're, what're you talkin' about man. Chandler Bing: Hannibal Lecter...better roommate than you. Eddie Menuek: No. See now I don't think you're being fair. I mean one night you see me and you get scared, I mean, what about all the other nights when you don't see me, huh? What about last night when you went and got a drink of water and I was nice enough to hide behind the door, what's that about, huh? Chandler Bing: I didn't realize that. Eddie Menuek: Yeah. Chandler Bing: GET OUT NOW!! Eddie Menuek: Ok, you really want me out? Chandler Bing: Yes please. Eddie Menuek: Ok, then I want to hear you say it, I, I want to hear you say you want me out. Chandler Bing: I want you out. Eddie Menuek: No no no, I wanna hear it from your lips. Chandler Bing: Where did you hear it from before? Eddie Menuek: Oh, right, all right, you know what pallie I understand, consider me gone, you know what, I'll be out by the time you get home from work tomorrow. Eddie Menuek: I heard that. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Monica Geller: Hey. Rachel Green: Hey. Whe-ell, look at you, finally got that time machine workin' huh? Joey Tribbiani: Seriously, you like it? This guy was sellin' them on 8th avenue and I looked at 'em and I though, you know what I don't have? Monica Geller: A mirror? Joey Tribbiani: Fine, make fun. I think it's jaunty. Monica Geller: Wow, for a guy who's recently lost his job, you're in an awfully good mood. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I'll be alright. I mean it's not like I'm starting from sqare one. I was Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives. Heh? I mean that's gotta have some kind of cache. Monica Geller: Cache? Jaunty? Joey Tribbiani: Chandler gave me word of the day toilet paper. I'm gonna get some coffee. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Monica Geller: Hey. Rachel Green: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Oooh, so so so, did you read the book? Monica Geller: Oh my God, it was incredible. Phoebe Buffay: Didn't it like totally speak to you? Rachel Green: Woah, woah, woah, what book is this? Monica Geller: Rachel you have to read this book. It's called Be Your Own Windkeeper. It's about how women need to become more empowered. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah and oh, and but there's, there's wind and the wind can make us Goddesses. But you know who takes out wind? Men, they just take it. Rachel Green: Men just take out wind? Phoebe Buffay: Ya-huh, all the time, cause they are the lightning bearers. Rachel Green: Wow. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Rachel Green: Well that sounds kinda cool, kinda like The Hobbit. Monica Geller: It is nothing like the Hobbit. It's like reading about every relationship I've ever had, except for Richard. Phoebe Buffay: Oh yes, no, Richard would never steal your wind. Monica Geller: No. Phoebe Buffay: No, 'cause he's yummy. Monica Geller: Yes. But all the other ones. Phoebe Buffay: Oh yes. Oh and, the part about how they're always like drinking from out pool of inner power, but God forbid we should take a sip. Joey Tribbiani: Anybody want a croan. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, this is a typical lightning-bearer thing. Right there, it's like, um, 'Hello, who wants one of my fallic shaped man cakes?' Estelle Leonard: Don't worry about it already. Things happen. Joey Tribbiani: So, you're not mad at me for getting fired and everything? Estelle Leonard: Joey, look at me, look at me. Do I have lipstick on my teeth? Joey Tribbiani: No, can we get back to me? Estelle Leonard: Look honey, people get fired left and right in this business. I already got you an audition for Another World. Joey Tribbiani: Alright. Cab driver number two? Estelle Leonard: You're welcome. Joey Tribbiani: But I was Dr. Drake Remoray. How can I go from bein' a neurosurgeon to drivin' a cab? Estelle Leonard: Things change, roll with em. Joey Tribbiani: But this is a two line part, it's like takin' a step backwards. I'm not gonna do this. Estelle Leonard: Joey, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Al Minser and his pyramid of dogs. Take any job you can get and don't make on the floor. Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry. See ya. Rachel Green: Oh, God, oh, God, I mean it's just so. Monica Geller: Isn't it. Rachel Green: Uhh, I mean this is like reading about my own life. I mean this book could have been called 'Be Your Own Windkeeper Rachel'. Phoebe Buffay: I don't think it would have sold a million copies but it would have made a nice gift for you. Ross Geller: Hey you guys. Monica Geller: Hey. Ross Geller: Uh, sweetie we've gotta go. Rachel Green: NO! Ross Geller: No? Rachel Green: No, why do we always have to do everything according to your time table? Ross Geller: Actually it's the movie theatre that has the time schedule. So you don't miss the beginning. Rachel Green: No, see this isn't about the movie theatre, this is about you stealing my wind. Monica Geller: You go girl. I can't pull that off can I? Ross Geller: Excuse me, your, your, your wind? Rachel Green: Yes, my wind. How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow? Ross Geller: You, you know I, I don't, have a- have a problem with that. Rachel Green: Ok, I just, I just really need to be with myself right now. I'm sorry. Phoebe Buffay: Um-um, um-um. Rachel Green: You're right, I don't have to apologize. Sorry. Damnit! Joey Tribbiani: What is it? Ross Geller: I, I don't know, it's got all this stuff about wind and trees and there's some kind of sacred pool in it. I mean, I don't really get it but she's, she's pretty upset about it. Joey Tribbiani: See, this is why I don't date women who read. Uh-oh. Ross Geller: What, what's that? Joey Tribbiani: It's my VISA bill. Envelope one of two. That can't be good. Ross Geller: Open it, open in. Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God. Ross Geller: Woah. Joey Tribbiani: Look at this, how did I spend so much money? Ross Geller: Uh Joey, that's just the minumum amount due, that's your total due. Joey Tribbiani: Ahh. Ross Geller: What, woah, woah, $3500 at porcelain safari? Joey Tribbiani: My animals. Hey the guy said they suited me, he spoke with an accent, I was all confused. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Ross Geller: Well I guess you can start by drivin a cab on Another World. Joey Tribbiani: What? Ross Geller: That audition. Joey Tribbiani: That's a two line part. Ross Geller: Joey, you owe $1100 at I Love Lucite. Joey Tribbiani: So what. Ross Geller: So suck it up man, it's a job, it's money. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, look, I don't need you getting all judgemental and condescending and pedantic. Ross Geller: Toilet paper? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Ross Geller: Look, I'm not being any of those things, ok, I'm just being realistic. Joey Tribbiani: Well knock it off, you're supposed to be my friend. Ross Geller: I am your friend. Joey Tribbiani: Well then tell me things like, 'Joey you'll be fine,' and, 'Hang in there,' and, and, 'Somethin' big's fonna come along, I know it.' Ross Geller: But I don't know it. What I do know is that you owe $2300 at Isn't it Chromantic. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Ross, I'm aware of what I owe. Ross Geller: Ok, well then get some sense. I mean it took you what, 10 years to get that job, who knows how long it's gonna be till you get another. Joey Tribbiani: Look, I don't wanna hear this right now. Ross Geller: Huh, I'm just saying... Joey Tribbiani: Well don't just say. Ross Geller: Ya know, maybe, maybe I should just go. Joey Tribbiani: Ok. Ross Geller: Ok. I'll see ya later. Just think about it, ok. Joey Tribbiani: I don't need to think about it. I was Dr. Drake Remoray. That was huge. Big things are gonna happen, you'll see. Ross, you still there? Eddie Menuek: Hey pal. Chandler Bing: Ahhhh-gaaaahhh. Eddie what're you still doin' here? Eddie Menuek: Ah, just some basic dehydrating of a few fruits and vegetables. MAN ALIVE this thing's fantastic! Chandler Bing: Look Eddie, aren't you forgetting anything? Eddie Menuek: Oh yeah, that's right, look I got us a new goldfish. He's a lot fiestier that the last one. Chandler Bing: Maybe 'cause the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm. Look Eddie, isn't there something else you're supposed to be doing right now? Eddie Menuek: Well, not unless it's got something to do with dehydrating my man because right now I'm a dehydrating maniac! Chandler Bing: Look you have to help me out here. I thought we had a deal. I thought by the time... Eddie Menuek: Ah-ah-ah, you know what that is? Chandler Bing: Your last roommate's kidney? Eddie Menuek: That's a tomato. This one definitely goes in the display. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Gunther, let me get a lemonade to go. Gunther: Lemonade? You ok man? Joey Tribbiani: Ah, it's career stuff. I don't know if you heard but they killed off my character on the show. Gunther: Oh, that's too bad. How'd they do it? Joey Tribbiani: I fell down an elevator shaft. Gunther: That sucks. I was buried in an avalanche. Joey Tribbiani: What? Gunther: I used to be Bryce on All My Children. Chandler Bing: Daaahhhh! Monica Geller: Aaahhhhhhh! Aaahhhh! Chandler Bing: Why must everybody watch me sleep? There'll be no more watching me sleep, no more watching. Monica Geller: I wa- Chandler Bing: Uuuh. Eddie Menuek: Hey man, check it out, I got some great stuff to dehydrate here. I got some grapes, got some apricots, I thought it would be really cool to see what happens with these water balloons. Chandler Bing: Get out. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out. Eddie Menuek: What? Chandler Bing: You, move out. Take your fruit, your stupid small fruit and GET OUT! Eddie Menuek: You, you want, you want me to move out? Chandler Bing: Uh-huh. Eddie Menuek: I uh, I gotta tell you man, I mean, that's uh, it's kinda out of the blue, I mean don't you think? Chandler Bing: This is not out of the blue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue. Eddie Menuek: Ohhhh. Relax, take it easy buddy. Tell me twice, you want me to go? Alright, alright, guess I'll be back for my stuff. But if you think for one second I'm leaving you alone with my fish, you're insane Jack! Chandler Bing: You want some help. Eddie Menuek: No help required Chico. Joey Tribbiani: All the way to the airport huh? You know that's over 30 miles, that's gonna cost you about so bucks. Casting Guy: Excuse me, that's 50 bucks. Joey Tribbiani: What? Casting Guy: Five oh dollars. Joey Tribbiani: Ohh, you know what it is? It's smudgy 'cause they're fax pages. Now when I was on Days of Our Lives as Dr. Drake Remoray, they'd send over the whole script on real paper and everything. Casting Guy: That's great. Joey Tribbiani: And, and just so you know, if you wanted to expand this scene like, like have the cab crash or somethin', I could attend to the victims 'cause I have a background in medical acting. Casting Guy: Ok, listen, thanks for coming in. Joey Tribbiani: No no, uh, don't thank me for comin' in. Uh, at least let me finish. Uh, we could take the expressway but uh, this time of day you're better off taking the budge. You were goin' for the word bridge there weren't ya. I'll have a good day. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, question number 28, have you ever allowed a lighning bearer to take your wind? I would have to say no. Monica Geller: And I would have to say pah-huh. Phoebe Buffay: What? Monica Geller: Do you not remember the puppet guy? Rachel Green: Yeah you like totally let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power. Monica Geller: And his puppet too. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah ok, well at least I didn't let some guy into the forest of my righteous truth on the first date. Monica Geller: Who? Phoebe Buffay: Paul. Monica Geller: Oh. Rachel Green: Ok, ok, ok, moving on, moving on, next question. Ok number 29, have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightning bearer? Ok, number 30. Monica Geller: Woah, woah, woah, let's go back to 29. Rachel Green: Not uh, not to my recollection. Monica Geller: Huuh, alright, Danny Arshak, ninth grade. Oh, c'mon Rach, you know the bottle was totally pointing at me. Rachel Green: Only 'cause you took up half the circle. Phoebe Buffay: Listen to you two. It's so sad. Looks like I'm gonna be going to the goddess meetings alone. Rachel Green: Well not when they find out you slept with Jason Hurley an hour after he broke up with Monica. Monica Geller: One hour? You are such a leaf blower. Joey Tribbiani: Oh hey uh, be careful with that 3-D last supper, Judas is a little loose. Ross Geller: Oh my God, what's goin' on? Joey Tribbiani: They're takin all my stuff back. I guess you were right. Ross Geller: No look I wasn''t right, that's what I came here to tell you. I was totally hung up on, on my own stuff. Listen, I'm someone who needs the whole security thing, ya know. To know exactly where my next paycheck is coming from buy you, you don't need that and that's amazing to me. I could never do what you do Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Thanks Ross. Ross Geller: Yeah. And you should hold out for something bigger. I can't tell you how much respect I have for you not going to that stupid cab driver audition. Joey Tribbiani: I went. Ross Geller: Great, how did it go? Joey Tribbiani: I didn't get it. Ross Geller: Good for you. Joey Tribbiani: What? Ross Geller: You're livin' the dream. Joey Tribbiani: Huh? Ross Geller: All right then. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, not my parrot. Ross Geller: What? Joey Tribbiani: I can't watch this. Ross Geller: Hey hold on, hold on. How much for the uh, how much to save the bird? Mover: 1200. Ross Geller: Dollars? You spent $1200 dollars on a plastic bird? Joey Tribbiani: Uhhh, I was an impulse buyer, near the register. Ross Geller: Go ahead, go ahead with the bird. Ok, do you have anything for around 200? Mover: Uh, the dog. Ross Geller: Huh. Mover: Yeah. Ross Geller: I'll take it. My gift to you man. Joey Tribbiani: Thanks Ross. I really like that bird though...I'll take the dog though. Rachel Green: Here are your cakes. Monica Geller: We didn't order cake. Rachel Green: No, I know, they're from me. Look you guys this is not good. I mean we have enough trouble with guys stealing our wind without taking it from each other. Monica Geller: You're right. Rachel Green: You know. Phoebe Buffay: I love you goddesses. I don't ever want to suck your wind again. Rachel Green: Thank you. So are we good? Monica Geller: We're good. Rachel Green: We're good? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Rachel Green: Ok, let me take these cakes back 'cause they're gonna take that out of my paycheck. Chandler Bing: Ding dong, the psycho's gone. Monica Geller: Are you sure this time? Chandler Bing: Yes, yes I actually saw him leave. I mean that guy is standing in the window holding a human head. He is STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD! Eddie Menuek: Check it out man, I tore it off some mannaquin in the alley behind Macy's. Monica Geller: There is no alley behind Macy's. Eddie Menuek: So I got it in the junior miss department, big diff. Anyway check it out man, it's gonna make a hell of a conversation piece at out next cocktail party, huh pal? Chandler Bing: Our next cocktail party? Eddie Menuek: Yeah, you know, put chips in it, we'll make like a chip chick. Chandler Bing: Eddie, do you remember yesterday? Eddie Menuek: Uh yes, I think I vaguely recall it. Chandler Bing: Do you remember talking to me yesterday? Eddie Menuek: Uh, yes. Chandler Bing: So what happened? Eddie Menuek: We took a road trip to Las Vegas man. Chandler Bing: Oh sweet Moses. Monica Geller: So on this road trip, did you guys win any money? Eddie Menuek: Naah, I crapped out, but Mr. 21 over here he cleans up, 300 bucks, check it out he buys me these new shoes, sweet huh? Monica Geller: Nice. Eddie Menuek: Yeah. Well see ya upstairs. See ya pals. Phoebe Buffay: Is anyone else starting to really like him? Chandler Bing: May I help you? Eddie Menuek: Why doesn't my key work and what's all my stuff doin' downstairs? Chandler Bing: Well, I'm, I'm sorry... Ahhh. Have we met? Eddie Menuek: It's Eddie you freak, your roommate. Chandler Bing: I, I'm sorry, I uh I already have a roommate. Joey Tribbiani: Hello. Chandler Bing: Yeah, he's lived here for years, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about man. Eddie Menuek: No he, he moved out and I moved in. Chandler Bing: Well I, I think we'd remember something like that. Joey Tribbiani: I know I would. Eddie Menuek: Well that's uh, that's a good point. Um ok, well, uh, I guess I got the wrong apartment then. I, I'm, look, I'm, ya know, I'm sorry, I'm terriably sorry. Joey Tribbiani: Hey no problem. Chandler Bing: See ya. Goodbuy you fruit drying psychopath. So you want me to help you unpack your stuff? Joey Tribbiani: Na, na I'm ok. Oh and uh, just so you know, I'm not movin' back in 'cause I have to. Well, I mean, I do have to. It's just that that place wasn't really, I mean, this is... Chandler Bing: Welcome home man. Joey Tribbiani: A little foos? Chandler Bing: Absolutely. Joey Tribbiani: What happened to the foosball? Chandler Bing: Ah that's a cantelope. Chandler Bing: Hey look, are we gonna have to bring this out every time Ross comes over? Joey Tribbiani: He paid a lot of money for it. Chandler Bing: I'm gonna hold him a different way. Look I don't understand, if you hated it so much, why did you buy it in the first place? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I had a whole ceramic zoo thing goin' over there but now, without the other ones, it just looks tacky. Chandler Bing: So is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. Good, STAY! Good fake dog.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Watcha guys doin? Richard Burke: Monica's making us watch Old Yeller. Phoebe Buffay: Why are you guys so upset? It's Old Yeller, it's a happy movie. Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: What're you talkin' about? Phoebe Buffay: C'mon, happy family gets a dog, frontier fun. Ross Geller: Yeah but Phoebs, what about the end? Phoebe Buffay: What when Yeller saves saves the family from the wolf and everyone's happy? Rachel Green: That's not the end. Phoebe Buffay: Yu-huh. That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say 'The end'. Monica Geller: What about the part where he has rabies? Phoebe Buffay: He doesn't have rabies, he has babies. That's what my mom said. Richard Burke: Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's about to happen. Phoebe Buffay: What, what's about to happen? I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, watcha doin' with that gun? Oh no, no no Travis, put down the gun. No no no no, he he's your buddy, he's your Yeller, no, no no, the end, THE END. Monica Geller: Hey, have you guys eaten, because uh, Richard and I just finished and we've got leftovers... Chicken and potatoes... What am I wearing?...Actually, nothing but rubber gloves. Joey Tribbiani: Ya know, one of these times you're gonna really be naked and we're not gonna come over. Monica Geller: Alright, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing. Chandler Bing: Well, how do you find clothes that fit? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey, Monica, we've got a question. Monica Geller: Alright, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in shower at the gym, and no I don't look. Joey Tribbiani: No, not that one. We're trying to figure out who to bring to the Knicks game tonight, we have an extra ticket. Chandler Bing: Yeah, Ross can't go so it's between my friend Eric Prower who has breath issues and Dan with the poking. 'Did you see that play? Do you want some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?' Monica Geller: Ok. Hey, why don't you ask Richard? Joey Tribbiani: Ok, uh, hey Richard, if you had an extra ticket to the Knicks game and you had to choose between a friend who smells and one who bruises you who would you pick? Richard Burke: Wow. Well being a huge Knicks fan myself, I think you should take someone who's a huge Knicks fan. Chandler Bing: Ok, that's Eric. Richard Burke: Glad to be of help. Matches. Monica Geller: I meant, why don't you take Richard to the game? What? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. Monica Geller: C'mon. Keeps his fingers to himself and he's always minty fresh. Chandler Bing: I don't know, Richard's really nice and everything, uh, it's just that we don't know him really well, ya know, and plus he's, ya know, old -er than some people, but, uh, younger than some buildings. Monica Geller: So what, he's a little older, big deal, I mean he's important to me. Ya know if you ask him, he might take you on his Jag. Joey Tribbiani: How do we say yes now and make it seem like we're not doin' it just to ride in the cool car? Chandler Bing: Ok, this could be tough. Joey Tribbiani: Ok ok ok ok. Monica, we'll bring him, but only if he takes the Jaguar. Chandler Bing: Ooh, you almost had it. Ross Geller: No no, you're fine, you're fine. Carol Willick: Hello Ross Geller: Hi. Susan Bunch: Hey. Carol Willick: Hi honey. Ross Geller: Oh you guys are not gonna believe what happened. Carol Willick: What? Susan Bunch: What? Ross Geller: Ok, we were sitting over there playing on the floor and he grabs the table and he pulls himself up. He pulled himself up. Standing man. I'm sorry you guys missed it but I did tape it so it you guys want to see it. Carol Willick: Uhh, we know, he already did it last week. Susan Bunch: You can watch our tape if you want. Ross Geller: I don't believe this. I miss, I miss the first time of everything. I missed, what, the first time he rolled over, the first time he crawled. What else did I miss? Has he spoken yet, is he driving, does he have a favorite liquour? Carol Willick: Actually, he is getting closer on the talking thing. He can't quite say mama yet, but once he said yumen. Ross Geller: Ooh, I, I'm so sick of missing stuff. Ya know, I want him for more than, than a day, I want him for a whole weekend. No listen , I mean, I feel like- Ross Geller: Really? I mean, I, I had a whole speach prepared. Susan Bunch: Oh shout, that would have been fun. Ross Geller: Oh look, did, did you just see that? Did you see? He just waved, he just waved, he's never waved before, you've never waved before. Yes he has. Very good. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Rachel Green: Hey Phoebs, whatcha got there? Phoebe Buffay: Ok, Love Story, Brian's Song, and Terms of Endearment. Monica Geller: Wow, all you need now is The Killing Fields and some guacamole and you've got yourself a part-ay. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I talked to my grandma about the Old Yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. You know, before she killed herself. Chandler Bing: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Rachel Green: Hey. Monica Geller: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car. Monica Geller: So'd you guys have fun? Chandler Bing: Your boyfriend is so cool. Monica Geller: Really? Chandler Bing: Yeah, he let us drive his Jaguar. Joey for 12 blocks, me for 15. Rachel Green: Wow, he must like you the best. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, what about that thing he did when he tipped the guy who showed us to our seats. You never even saw the money, it was like this. Hey Chandler, thanks for showing us to our seats . Chandler Bing: You're welcome. Hey Joey, thanks for parking the car . Joey Tribbiani: No problem. Hey Chandler Chandler Bing: I think they get it. Joey Tribbiani: Ok. Chandler Bing: There's the man. Joey Tribbiani: He-he-eyy. Richard Burke: Hey, you're gettin' better. I'm gonna keep this by the way. Joey Tribbiani: Ok. He kept my dollar. Monica Geller: So your first whole weekend without Ben, what're you guys gonna do? Carol Willick: Uh, we're going down to Colonial Williamsburg. Susan Bunch: Yeah, a woman I went to college with just became the first female blacksmith down there. Ross Geller: Well, ya know, they're a little behind the times in Colonial Williamsburg. Carol Willick: Think I better go before mommy starts weeping. Ross Geller: Buy mommy. Ross Geller: Have a good time. Ok, Ben. Monica Geller: Ross. Ross Geller: Yeah. Monica Geller: Look. Joey, do you know we can see you from here? Joey Tribbiani: How come Richard looks so much cooler with one of these than me? Ross Geller: Well for starters, you may want to light it and lose the spatula. Monica Geller: You know what, I think it's cute, you trying to be more like Richard. Joey Tribbiani: Not like him, per-se, just not un-like him. Ross Geller: Look it's the artist formerly known as Chandler. Chandler Bing: Just tryin' somethin' here, ya know. Monica Geller: So Joey, why didn't you grow a moustache? Joey Tribbiani: Oh we flipped for it. I got the cigar, he got the moustache. Figured if we both grew it, we'd look like dorks. Ross Geller: Yeah, you really sidestepped that land mine. Chandler Bing: Hey listen, we've gotta go, I promised Richard we'd meet him downstairs. Monica Geller: You're meeting Richard? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, we're goin' to a Ranger game. Chandler Bing: Yeah, didn't he tell ya? Monica Geller: Well, he told me he was going out with the guys, I just didn't know that you were the guys. Chandler Bing: You hear that? We're the guys. Joey Tribbiani: We're the guys. Monica Geller: With that moustache doesn't Chandler remind you of Aunt Sylvia? Ross Geller: Thank you. Ross Geller: Hi, we're visitiing. It's Ben and his da-da. Da-da. Can you say da-da? Look, I'm gonna tell your momies you said it anyway so you might as well try. Rachel Green: No luck huh? Ross Geller: Naa. A while ago I got a sah out of him, which I thought, ya know, might turn into sah-condary caregiver but... Hey, would you uh, would you hold him for a sec, 'cause I, I gotta take this off. Rachel Green: Oh, yeah sure, Ok. Ross Geller: What're you doing? Rachel Green: Uh, I'm holding Ben. Ross Geller: Yeah, well, he's a baby not a bomb. Rachel Green: Ok. Ross Geller: Well just hold him like you'd hold a football. Rachel Green: This is how I would hold a football. Ross Geller: Ok, here, here. There we go. Rachel Green: Ok, I'm sorry, I'm just not very good with babies. I mean I haven't been around them, I mean, you know, since I was one. Ross Geller: It's alright, it's no big deal. Rachel Green: Really? Ross Geller: Yeah, definitely, I'm sure you'll feel totally different when it's our baby. Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: You think about stuff like that? Ross Geller: Uhh, yeah. I mean, actually I kinda think that we'll have, we'll have two babies. Rachel Green: Two, two babies? Ross Geller: Yeah. Ya know, a boy and a girl. Hopefully the girl will come first so Ben here won't feel too competitive. Rachel Green: Then what's gonna happen? Ross Geller: Well, we won't wanna raise kids in the city so we'll probably move to uh, Scarsdale. Rachel Green: Uh-huh. Ross Geller: Yeah, that way I figure, ya know, we'll be far enough away from our parents that we don't have to see them all the time but close enough that they can come over and babysit whenever we want. And yes, I know, the taxes are a little higher than, let's say, Nassau county but the school system's supposedly great. Rachel Green: Wow. Wow, that's great. Great. Ok, wow, you know what. Ross Geller: Huh? Rachel Green: I'm off my break now so uh, um here you take this and um, I am gonna go pour these very nice people some coffee. Ok. Oh look at that, I don't have a pot. I don't have a pot. Well, hey, maybe I've got one at home, or in Scarsdale. Hey is that a door? Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Richard Burke: Hey Phoebs, what's happening? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, ok, murder, cancer, soccer teams eating each other in the Andes. Monica Geller: So you watched the movies huh? Phoebe Buffay: Uh huh, what is happening to the world? I mean, no no no, 'cause ET leaves, and and Rocky loses, Charlotte dies. Richard Burke: Charlotte who? Phoebe Buffay: With the web, the spider she dies, she does. She has babies and dies. It's like ya know, hey welcome home from the hospital, thud. Monica Geller: Alright, you wanna feel better? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Monica Geller: Ok, here, watch this. Phoebe Buffay: It's a Wonderful Life. Yes I've heard of this. Monica Geller: So you can't lose, it's there in the title. Wonderfullness is baked right in. Phoebe Buffay: Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, Pride of the Yankees, I thought I was gonna see a film about Yankee pride and then, boom, the guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease. Richard Burke: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming? Phoebe Buffay: Phoebe, just watch that, I promise it will resotre all your faith in humanity. Chandler Bing: Hey, big guy, game time. Richard Burke: Hey, be right there. Monica Geller: There's a game? Chandler Bing: Uh, yeah, I just got my pick-up sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel. Richard Burke: It's the basketball playoffs. Monica Geller: Listen, um honey, I appreciate this but you don't have to keep hanging out with them for me, I mean, they have each other. Richard Burke: Oh, no, honey, I mean, don't worry, I like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends, they don't start sentences with, 'You know who just died shoveling snow?' Monica Geller: Alright that's great, then just go. Go Knicks. Richard Burke: Uh, it's the college playoffs. Monica Geller: Oh, then go Vassar. Richard Burke: Uh, they're not in it. Monica Geller: Ok, then just go. Richard Burke: Ok. Monica Geller: Oh, why does this bother me so much? I mean I don't wanna be one of those people who tells their boyfriend they wanna spend 24 hours a day with them. Phoebe Buffay: Sure. Monica Geller: It's just that he doesn't have that much free time, ya know, and I don't know, what do I do? Phoebe Buffay: Does it matter? You're ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pets head off. Rachel Green: Aghh. Phoebe Buffay: Me too. Monica Geller: I've got a question. Richard made plans again with the guys. Rachel Green: Yeah well, Ross just made plans for the whole century. Monica Geller: Ya know what, I think I'm gonna go to my room and read Cosmo, maybe there's something helpful in there. Know what, at least maybe I can learn how to do an at home bikini wax with leftover Cristmas candles. Ross Geller: Ok, what the hell happened back there? Rachel Green: I don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know, I've got two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes. Ross Geller: Well I'm sorry, I think about stuff. Ya know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind wanders. Rachel Green: Ross, you have planned out the next 20 years of our lives, we've been dating for six weeks. Ross Geller: C'mon, what, you never think about our future? Rachel Green: Yes, but I, I think about who's apartment we're gonna sleep at tomorrow night and, and where we're gonna have dinner next Saturday night. I do not think about what our childrens' names are gonna be. You know what our childrens names are gonna be. Ross Geller: No, no, I mean, ya know, I, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I thought that might be good. Rachel Green: What was the book? Ross Geller: The big book of childrens' names. Rachel Green: Ok, Ross, Ross, ok listen, what we have is amazing. Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: But I do not want to have everything decided for me. I spent my whole life like that. It's what I had with Barry, that was one of the reasons I left. I, I like not knowing right now and I'm sorry if that scares you but if you want to be with me you are gonna have to deal with that. Ross Geller: Ok fine. Rachel Green: Thank you. Ross Geller: We're not done. Rachel Green: I didn't know that. Ross Geller: Ok, then you're gonna have to understand that you're with a guy who's not gonna stop planning his future with you because he knows that we're gonna end up together and if that scares you, tough, 'cause you're gonna have to deal with that. Rachel Green: Fine, I will. Ross Geller: Good, 'cause I love you. Rachel Green: Oh yeah. Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: Well I love you too. Ross Geller: Well that's the first time we've said that. Rachel Green: Yes it is. Ross Geller: Well, I'm gonna kiss you. Rachel Green: Well you better. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Oh thanks for the great movie tip. Monica Geller: Did you like it? Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah. You know, I don't know if I was happier when um George Bailey destroyed the family business or um, Donna Reid cried, or when the mean pharmacist made his ear bleed. Monica Geller: Alright, I'll give you the ear thing but don't you think the ending was pretty wonderful? Phoebe Buffay: I didn't watch the ending, I was too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse, it should have been called, "It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does." Chandler Bing: Kick save and... denied. Richard Burke: But... he gets it back, pass to the middle, lines it up and... BAM! Yes! Could that shot BE any prettier? Joey Tribbiani: Man you are incredible. Richard Burke: Well, we had a table in college. Chandler Bing: Oh really, I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's. Richard Burke: Nice moustache by the way. When puberty hits that thing's really gonna kick in. Monica Geller: Honey. Uh, not to sound too Florence Henderson but, dinner's on the table. Richard Burke: Ok, just one more point. Monica Geller: Score! Now can we go? Chandler Bing: See, that's why we don't let her play. Richard Burke: Is everything all right? Monica Geller: Um-hmm. Richard Burke: Uh-oh. Chandler Bing: Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with. Richard Burke: Well. Joey Tribbiani: No no, seriously, Chandler and I were just talkin about this. He is so much cooler than our dads. I mean, you know, our dad's are ok, ya know, but Richard is just- ow, ow. What are you kickin me for? Huh? I'm tryin to talk here. Richard Burke: Uh, you guys see me as a dad? Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah. Chandler Bing: No. Joey Tribbiani: Nooooo. Chandler Bing: Your just, your just clearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal. Richard Burke: Uh-huh, yeah. Chandler Bing: No no, seriously, Joey's my dad, Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work. Richard Burke: That's fine. Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romantic evening and I guess I'll just see you kids around. Monica Geller: Nighty-nite. Chandler Bing: You're not a dad. You're not a dad. Joey Tribbiani: Not a dad. Chandler Bing: I can't believe you got us into trouble. Monica Geller: So are you ok? Richard Burke: Yeah, just, I feel like I'm about a hundred. I thought I was just one of the guys. Monica Geller: Come here. I'll make you feel like one of the guys. You know for a really cool guy, you suck at foosball. Richard Burke: What're you talkin' about, I was killin' 'em. Monica Geller: Yeah, well they suck too. Ross Geller: Ok, and then you take the poopie diaper and you put it in the poopie diaper pail. Rachel Green: Ok Ross, just so you know, calling it a poopie diaper doesn't make this process any cuter. Ross Geller: Hello. Carol Willick: It's us. Ross Geller: Come on up. I'm gonna get the rest of his stuff together. Rachel Green: Ok, we can do this now, can't we Ben? Yes we can, yes we can. There. I did it. I did it. Look at that, oh, stays on and everything. Hi. Ben Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: I'm sorry, what did you just say? Did you just say hi? Oh my God, Ross, Ross, Ben just said 'Hi'. Ross Geller: Wha, what? Rachel Green: Ben just said hi. Ross Geller: What, the word hi? Rachel Green: Ye-, no, my Uncle Hi. Ross Geller: Great, great, and I miss that too, I miss everything. Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I just bring it out in him. Rachel Green: Guess what. Ben just said his first word. Carol Willick: What did he say? Ross Geller: Something about hi. Susan Bunch: That's so exciting. Carol Willick: Mommy is so proud of you. Hi. Hi. Rachel Green: You know, actually it's more like, hi. Carol Willick: Hi. Rachel Green: Hi. Carol Willick: Hi. Rachel Green: Hi. Carol Willick: Hi. Rachel Green: Hi. Carol Willick: Hi. Susan Bunch: Ok, this could go on for a while. Carol Willick: We've got a cab waiting downstairs. Ross Geller: Well, this was fun. Uh, we should really do it again sometime, wha'dya say? Ok. Alright so I've got him. Carol Willick: Tuesday. Ross Geller: Tuesday right. Ok, bye you guys. Rachel Green: Take care. Ross Geller: Bye Ben. Ben Geller: Bye. Rachel Green: Did, did he just, did he, did he just say, he said bye. He said bye. You said, you said bye to me. You said bye to me. Susan Bunch: Suddenly I'm seeing him go off to college. Carol Willick: We've gotta go, we've got that cab waiting. Ross Geller: Alright, alright, ok. Bye. Ben Geller: Bye. Ross Geller: Bye. Ben Geller: Bye. Ross Geller: Bye. Ben Geller: Bye. Ross Geller: Bye. Ernie: Oh wow, look at this nice deep hole I've been digging. Hey Bert, isn't this a nice hole here. Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't find him. Now, I've looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, ok, before that happens, there's some pretty rough goin' for a while but I think we can handle it. And, there's just the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Ok, here we go. Ernie: Bert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend Bert? He was here just a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Monica, why are we watchin' the business channel? Monica Geller: 'Cause I was going by it the other day and I saw that there was a stock with my initials, MEG, on it and, well, sometimes I have to watch for two or three hours before it comes up again but when it does, it's pretty exciting. Rachel Green: Ok honey, you really need a job. Ross Geller: Mon, speaking of which, dad says he knows someone you can call for an interview. Monica Geller: Really. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, right there. That, that's the third sign today. Right there. Ross Geller: On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say behuh. Phoebe Buffay: No, 'cause you just said dad and everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling me to go see my father. Like when I was walking over here and I passed a buffet...which is my father's last name. Everyone: Ahh. Phoebe Buffay: And they were serving franks which is his first name minus the s at the end. And there was a rotisserie with spinning chicken. Monica Geller: His indian name? Phoebe Buffay: No because I chickened out the last time when I tried to meet him. So I mean coincidences? I don't think so. Ross Geller: Freakish. Monica Geller: Wow. Joey Tribbiani: Freaky. Monica Geller: Weird, weird. Rachel Green: Ok, so uh, who wants the last hamburger? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, alright, that's it, now I have to go see him. Monica Geller: Why? Phoebe Buffay: Hamburger. McDonald's. Old MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a pharmacist. Chandler Bing: Man, I am so beat. Ross Geller: Oh yeah. Chandler Bing: Hey, you just wanna forget about raquetball and hang out here? Ross Geller: Yeah alright. Big Bully: Hey you're in our seats. Ross Geller: Oh, sorry we didn't know. Little Bully: Hey, we were sitting there. Chandler Bing: Ok, there is one more way to say it, who knows it? Little Bully: Is that supposed to be funny? Chandler Bing: No actually, I was just going for colorful. Big Bully: What's with this guy? Little Bully: What's with you? Ross Geller: Uh, nothing, nothing's with him. Enjoy your coffee. Chandler Bing: What just happened? Little Bully: I just took your hat. See, I can be funny too. My, my joke is that I, I took your hat. Chandler Bing: That, that is funny. Can I have it back? Little Bully: No. Chandler Bing: No? Big Bully: No. Ross Geller: Ok, ok, you know what? I think you're very funny. Kudos on that hat joke. But, come on guy just, just give him back the hat. Big Bully: Why should we? Ross Geller: Because it's a special hat. See he bought it 'cause he was feeling really down one day so he got the hat to cheer himself up, ya know. Now Chandler... Chandler Bing: Stop talking, stop talking now. Let me just get this straight. You're actually stealing my hat? Big Bully: You got a problem with that? Chandler Bing: No, just wanna make sure we're on the same page. Rachel Green: Hey, how'd the interview go? Monica Geller: It bit. It was a 50's theme restraunt. I have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter. I mean I was a chef at Cafe des Artistes. I mean how could I take a job where I have to make something called Laverne and Curly Fries? Rachel Green: So don't do it. Monica Geller: How can I not do it? I have $127 in the bank. Joey Tribbiani: Monica, relax, go get a beer. Monica Geller: I don't want a beer. Joey Tribbiani: Who said it was for you? Rachel Green: What's the matter with you? Chandler Bing: The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat. Rachel Green: Noo. Joey Tribbiani: You're kiddin'. Ross Geller: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies, ya know. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore. Rachel Green: Oohhh. Ross Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: Hi. Chandler Bing: Ohhh Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, woah, let's go down there and get your hat back. Chandler Bing: Na, forget it, it's probably stripped and sold for parts by now. Monica Geller: Hey, I went up. Rachel Green: What? Monica Geller: My stock, MEG, it went up 2 points. Hey guys, do you realize that if I had invested my $127 in myself yesterday that I'd like have...a lot more than that today. Ya know what, I'm gonna do it. Joey Tribbiani: Do what? Monica Geller: Put all my money in me. Rachel Green: Monica, what are you talking about? You don't know the first thing about the stock market. Monica Geller: What's to know? Buy sell, high low, bears bulls... Yes Manhattan...yeah telephone number of the stock...selling store. Joey Tribbiani: See, didn't I tell ya these pillows would be a good idea? Phoebe Buffay: Oh God, here we go. For the first time in my life I'm gonna say 'Hi birthfather'. Rachel Green: We love you, we're here for you. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah good luck, good luck. Phoebe Buffay: Thanks. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Rach, you uh, you want some sandwich? Rachel Green: Ohh, what is in that? Joey Tribbiani: Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo. Rachel Green: No no, 'cause mayo, that would make it gross. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, hey, no, oh oh. Rachel Green: Run Phoebe run. Phoebe Buffay: No no no, doggie please. Oh, I do so wanna love all animals, please no. Joey Tribbiani: Get him a bone, get a bone. You gotta bone? Rachel Green: Are you kidding me? Phoebe Buffay: Look kibbles, bits. Oh God, alright, get the hell off my leg you yippity piece of crap. Ok, alright, we have a problem. Joey Tribbiani: Well why don't you just reach out and take his trampoline. Rachel Green: Ok, here, I know what we can do. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, hey no. Rachel Green: Ok, doggie get the- aahhh. Ok go get the sandwich, get the sandwich doggie. Good doggie get the sandwich, get the...ok, Joey, the dog will lick himself but he will not touch your sandwich, what does that say? Joey Tribbiani: Well if he's not gonna eat it, I will. Phoebe Buffay: Are you crazy? Joey Tribbiani: Phoebs, he's just a little dog. Ahhh. Chandler Bing: Hey. Ross Geller: What? Chandler Bing: Do you have to be a Century 21 real-estate agent to get to wear those really cool jackets? Ross Geller: Do you say this stuff to girls? Big Bully: Hehehehey, isn't that the guy who used to wear your hat? Little Bully: And look where they're sitting. Ross Geller: You're joking, right? You guys just walked through the door. Big Bully: Maybe we didn't make it clear enough. Little Bully: Yeah. Big Bully: This couch belongs to us. Chandler Bing: Alright, I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then, and then we'll call the couch, and we'll see who it comes to. Big Bully: You know what I keep wondering? Why you two are still sitting here. Ross Geller: Alright, that's it. I've had enough of this, alright. Gunther, these guys are trying to take our seat. Gunther: Fellas, these guys were here first. Big Bully: Oh, sorry, I didn't realize. Little Bully: Sorry. Gunther: There you go. Ross Geller: Thank you Gunther. We didn't want to have to go and do that. Little Bully: He told on us? Big Bully: You told on us? Ross Geller: Well pal, you didn't give me much of a choice. Chandler Bing: Don't play with his things. Ross Geller: I know. Big Bully: Alright, let's take this outside. Ross Geller: Let's, let's take this outside? Who talks like that? Big Bully: The guy that's about to kick your ass talks like that. Chandler Bing: You had to ask. Ross Geller: Yeah. Ross Geller: Ok, ok look, see, the thing is we're, we're not gonna fight you guys. Little Bully: Well then here's the deal, you won't have to so long as never ever show your faces in this coffee house ever again. Chandler Bing: I think you played the Gunther card too soon. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Phoeb's, I think you're good to go. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I don't know. Rachel Green: What's the matter? Phoebe Buffay: I just think that this was a really bad sign, ya know. I mean, like the beast at the threshold, you know. It's just like, I have no family left, ya know. I mean except for my grandmother, you know, but let's face it, she's not gonna be around forever, despite what she says. And I have a sister who I've barely spoken to since we like shared a womb. I don't know, this is my real father and I just, I want things to be like just right. Rachel Green: Yeah Phoebe, I completely understand. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, whatever you need. Hey, you wanna go home? Phoebe Buffay: Ok, thanks. Sorry, again Phoebe Buffay: What was that? Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, I'm guessing the threshold's clear now. Monica Geller: I wanna buy 5 shares of SGJ and I wanna buy them now. C'mon time is money my friend. Thank you. Wooo. Rachel Green: Time is money my friend? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you missed, 'Takes money to make money,' and uh, 'Don't make me come down there and kick your wall street butt.' Monica Geller: Hey, I made $17 before breakfast, what have you done? Joey Tribbiani: Well uh, I had breakfast here so technically I saved $3.50. Rachel Green: How did you make $17. Monica Geller: Well, my financially challenged friends, I split my money and I bought some shares of CHP and ZXY. Joey Tribbiani: How come those? Monica Geller: Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY becuase I think it sounds zexy. Rachel Green: What happened to uh, MEG.? Monica Geller: MEG was good for me but I dumped her. Ya know, my motto is get out before they go down. Joey Tribbiani: That is so not my motto. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Rachel Green: Hey Phoebs. Oh hey, how's the dog? Phoebe Buffay: Ok, I talked to the vet, people are so nice upstate. Anyway, he said that the little fella's gonna be ok and I can pick him up tomorrow. Joey Tribbiani: Good. Rachel Green: Oh, thank God. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but he did have to have a bunch of stitches and he said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back so...still hoping. Rachel Green: Ok, so Phoebe, now are you gonna call your dad and let him know that his dog is ok? Phoebe Buffay: I, I don't wanna meet my father over the phone. What am I gonna say, like 'Hi, I'm Phoebe, the daughter you abandoned. Oh, by the way, I broke your dog.' Joey Tribbiani: Hey Phoebs, if you want, I'll do it. Phoebe Buffay: Ok. Listen, just don't say anything about me, ok. Monica Geller: DON'T...be too long with the phone. Rachel Green: She'll be a much better friend when the market closes. Joey Tribbiani: It's a woman. Phoebe Buffay: So talk to her. Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, hello Miss Buffay. I know where your dog is. I want you to know that he'll be returned to you, almost as good as new, within, within 24 hours. Uh, goodbye. Rachel Green: Why the voice. Joey Tribbiani: Hard to say. Chandler Bing: Your cappucino sir. Ross Geller: Thank you. Chandler Bing: Ya know I think this is much better than the coffee house. Ross Geller: Absolutely. Ross Geller: How come it's not mixing with the water? Chandler Bing: Well the package says you have to uh, constantly keep it moving. Stir and drink, stir and drink, never let it settle. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, this is ridiculous. I'll tell you what. After I get back from my neice's christening, I'll go down to the coffee house with you and we'll all have a nice cup of coffee alright. No problem, Joey's there. Chandler Bing: Ok. Ross Geller: No. Chandler Bing: No? Ross Geller: No. Man I don't wanna have to have Joey with me every time I wanna descent cup of coffee. Ya know, and I don't wanna spend the rest of my life drinking cappucino with a 'K'. I say you and I go back down there and stand up to those guys. Chandler Bing: Alright, hang on a second there Custer. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah really, Ross, have you ever been beaten up before? Ross Geller: Yeah, sure. Joey Tribbiani: By someone besides Monica? Ross Geller: No. So what. So what if we get beaten up, maybe that's just something every man has to go through once in his life. Ya know, like a, like a right of passage or somethin'. Chandler Bing: Well, couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Ya know, because I think actually mine's growing back. Monica Geller: I need to borrow a hundred bucks. Rachel Green: What? Monica Geller: Hi, welcome home. I need to borrow a hundred bucks. Rachel Green: For what? Monica Geller: I've gotta get back in the game. Rachel Green: Why, when did you get out of the game? Monica Geller: I don't know, I lost it all ok. I lost it. Rachel Green: Oh no. Monica Geller: Hey, I've come to terms with it, you have to too. Rachel Green: Ok. Look uhh, Mon I'm, I'm really sorry. Monica Geller: Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are we on the hundred bucks? Rachel Green: I, I don't have it. Monica Geller: But I need it. Otherwords I'm gonna have to take that horrible diner job. You know, with the dancing and the costumes. I don't wanna have to wear flame retardant boobs. Rachel Green: Nobody does honey. Phoebe Buffay: Hi. Mrs. Buffay: Schnoodle. Oh my God, what the hell happened to my dog? Phoebe Buffay: It was an accident, and, and the woman who did this would never ever hurt a dog on purpose. She's a vegetarian. Mrs. Buffay: What are these, stitches? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, eight of them. That's 56 to him. You know also, if, if it's raining, you can't let him look up too long 'cause that cone'll fill up really really fast. Mrs. Buffay: Yeah well, thanks for bringing back what's left of him. Phoebe Buffay: Sure, oh, is, is Frank home. Mrs. Buffay: How do you know Frank? Phoebe Buffay: Just from a, from a long time ago. Is he here? Mrs. Buffay: Yeah. Frank. Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah. What? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, ok, um, I mean Frank senior. Mrs. Buffay: He went out for groceries. Phoebe Buffay: Ok so will he be back soon? Mrs. Buffay: Well he left four years ago so we're expecting him back any minute now. Phoebe Buffay: Alright, I'm, I'm gonna go. I'm sorry about the dog, everything. I'm sorry. Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey lady. Hey wait up. How do you know my dad? Phoebe Buffay: Um well I don't really. Just genetically. He's kinda my dad too. Frank Buffay Jr.: Heavy. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. So um, did he ever talk about me, Phoebe? Frank Buffay Jr.: No but he didn't really talk about anything. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Frank Buffay Jr.: Except stilts. Phoebe Buffay: Stilts? Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, he loved stilts. One time I was upstairs, I was stealing cigarettes out of my mom's purse, and uh, all of a sudden I look over and there's my dad's head bobbing past the window. He just had this big smile on his face and he was waving 'cause he was always happiest when he was on his stilts. Phoebe Buffay: Wow. Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: I don't know what to do with that. Frank Buffay Jr.: Me neither. So you're like my big sister. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Frank Buffay Jr.: This is huge, you can buy me beer. Phoebe Buffay: I'm not gonna. But you know what's cool though? Ok, if you had a friend named Pete, then I could say, 'Oh yeah, I know Pete, he's friends with my brother.' Frank Buffay Jr.: I gotta friend named Mark. Phoebe Buffay: That'll work too. Frank Buffay Jr.: Cool, alright. So maybe, ya know, I could give you a call sometime, we could talk or somethin'. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, that'd be ok. Frank Buffay Jr.: Alright. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, I'm in the book. Frank Buffay Jr.: Ok, yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Alright. So um, stilts huh? Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah hey, you know if you want I can take you around back and show you where he hit his head on the rain gutter. Phoebe Buffay: Ok. Ross Geller: Well we did it, we're here. We are standing our ground. How long does a cup of coffee take? Chandler Bing: Would you come on! Come on! Thank you. Chandler Bing: Ah, there we go. Ross Geller: I think we proved our point. Chandler Bing: You burn your mouth? Ross Geller: Cannot feel my tounge. Chandler Bing: Bullies, big bullies. Little Bully: Oh, look who's here, it's the weenies. Big Bully: Did we not make ourselves clear the other day. Ross Geller: Yes, and that's why we're here. Chandler Bing: Yes, we're standing out ground...apparently. Little Bully: Let's do this alright. Ross Geller: Woah, ho-ho, whad'ya got there, a weapon? Little Bully: It's a nice watch, I don't wanna break it on your ribs. Chandler Bing: Alright, let's do this. Little Bully: Alright. Chandler Bing: Question. If I don't care about my watch, can I use it as a weapon? Ross Geller: Whad'ya mean? Chandler Bing: Well, it's sharp, it's metal, I think I can do some, you know, serious damage with it. Big Bully: No, you can't use your watch. Chandler Bing: Ok. Big Bully: Or your keys. Chandler Bing: Ok. Little Bully: Look, here's what we'll do. We'll put all keys and watches in the hat over there. Alright. Alright, c'mon man, let's do this. Ross Geller: Before I forget, are we hitting faces? Big Bully: Of course we're hitting faces, why wouldn't you hit faces? Ross Geller: Well because I have to work on Monday, I have a big presentation. Little Bully: Actually, you know, uh, I gotta show this apartment tomorrow and uh, you know, this no faces thing might not be a bad idea. Big Bully: Ok, nothing from the neck up. Or the waist down. Dana's ovulating. Little Bully: Oh really, you guys tryin' again? Big Bully: Yeah. Chandler Bing: Ok, so let me just get this straight. So we're uh, strictly talking about the middle? Big Bully: C'MON! Ross Geller: Hey, hey, woah, you want some of this, huh? You want a piece of this, huh? I'm standin here, huh. Chandler Bing: Hey, hey, those guys are takin our stuff! Ross Geller: Hey. Big Bully: Hey. Ross Geller: God, that was, that was amazing, that was incredible. You guys, you guys kicked butt. Little Bully: Us, what about you guys? Man you really, bing, gave it to old Mr. Clean back there. He was a big guy. Ross Geller: Yeah he was wasn't he. Chandler Bing: Yeah, I wouldn't know having missed everything. Big Bully: Don't do that to yourself. Any one of us could have tripped over that little girls jump-rope. Ross Geller: So, listen guys, are we uh, are we ok here? Little Bully: We're ok. Ross Geller: Alright. Chandler Bing: Ok so, can I have my hat back? Little Bully: No. Chandler Bing: Huh. Rachel Green: Look at her. Chandler Bing: Hi Monica. Joey Tribbiani: He-he-he, how's it goin'? Phoebe Buffay: Hey nice boobs. Chandler Bing: Guys guys, check this out. Joey Tribbiani: Excellent.
Monica Geller: So, I'll get candles and my mom's lace tablecloth, and since it's Rachel's birthday, I mean, we want it to be special, I thought I'd poach a salmon. Everyone: Ohhh. Monica Geller: What? Ross Geller: Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things? Monica Geller: You wanna be in charge of the food committee? Ross Geller: Question two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees? Joey Tribbiani: Really. Why can't we just get some pizzas and get some beers and have fun? Ross Geller: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside and I'm just not sure we are. Monica Geller: Alright. If you guys don't want it to be special, fine. You can throw any kind of party you want. Monica Geller: Joey they're not real. I start miles beneath the surface of these things, ok, they're fake. See honk honk. Chandler Bing: Wow, it's, it's like porno for clowns. Ross Geller: I talked to Rachel's sisters, neither of them can come. Monica Geller: Ok, um so, I still have to invite Dillon and Emma and Shannon Cooper. Joey Tribbiani: Woah, woah, woah, uh, no Shannon Cooper. Phoebe Buffay: Why not her? Joey Tribbiani: Cause she uh, she steals stuff. Chandler Bing: Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey just slept with her and never called her back. Monica Geller: Joey that is horriable. Joey Tribbiani: Hey I liked her, alright. Maybe, maybe too much. I don't know I guess I just got scared. Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, I didn't know. Joey Tribbiani: I didn't think anyone'd buy that, ok. Ross Geller: Hi honey, how did it go? Rachel Green: Agh, it was the graduation from hell. Chandler Bing: Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship. Rachel Green: Ya know, I mean this is supposed to be a joyous occasion. My sister's graduating from college, nobody thought she would. It's a true testament to what a girl from long island would do for a Celica. Monica Geller: So what happened? Rachel Green: My parents happened. All they had to do was sit in the same stadium, smile proudly, and not talk about the divorce. But nooo, they got into a huge fight in the middle of the commencement address. Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them. But you know what, you know what the good news is? I get to serve coffee for the next 8 hours. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, so I guess we don't invite her parents. Monica Geller: Well, how bout just her mom? Chandler Bing: Why her mom? Monica Geller: Cause I already invited her. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, ooh, did you ask Stacy Roth? Joey Tribbiani: Oh no, can't invite her. She also steals. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, here are the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake? Monica Geller: Ok, we're not having birthday cake, we're having birthday flan. Chandler Bing: Excuse me? Monica Geller: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert. Joey Tribbiani: Oh that's nice. Happy birthday Rachel, here's some goo. Monica Geller: Dr. Greene. Oh my God it's Rachel's dad. What're you doing here? Leonard Green: What? The father can't drop by to see the daughter on her birthday? Monica Geller: No no, the father can, but um, since I am the roommate I can tell you that she's not here and I'll pass along the message, ok. So bye-bye. Leonard Green: Ohhh, you're having a parteee. Monica Geller: No, no, not a party. Just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows. Um, this is Phoebe and Chandler and Joey. Leonard Green: I'll never remember all of that. So uh, what's the deal? Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff, is that it? Chandler Bing: This isn't your first surprise party, is it sir? Sandra Green: Hi Monica. Monica Geller: Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus. Chandler Bing: So, basically just a Chinese guy. Joey Tribbiani: Uh, hey, Dr. Greene, why don't you come with me, we'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed. Leonard Green: Alright, that sounds like a two person job. Sandra Green: Well, my goodness, what was that? Monica Geller: Sandra, I am so sorry, I thought you were Rachel and we just weren't ready for you yet. Sandra Green: You thought I was Rachel? Chandler Bing: Yes because uh, you look so young. Phoebe Buffay: And because you're both, you know, white women. Sandra Green: Oh, I missed you kids. Well, should I put my coat in the bedroom? Chandler Bing: NO! No, I'll take that for ya. Sandra Green: Oh well thank you. Such a gentleman. Thank you. Ahh, it all looks so nice, so festive, all the balloons... The funniest thing happened to me on the way here. I was... Phoebe Buffay: Ha-ha, that's great, ha-ha. I can't wait to hear the rest of it, ya know, but I really have to go to the bathroom so... Hey, come with me. Yeah, yeah, it'll be like we're gal pals, ya know, like at a restraunt. Oh, it'll be fun, c'mon. Monica Geller: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Chandler Bing: Ok, think, what would Jack and Chrissy do? Joey Tribbiani: Ok, now that your coat is safely in the bedr-, oh, ok we can come back out in the living room. Monica Geller: So uh, Joey and Chanlder, I, I think it's time that you take Dr. Greene over to your place. Chandler Bing: Uhh, yes, absdolutely, um. Why again? Monica Geller: Because that's where the party is you goon. See this is just the staging area. Joey Tribbiani: Right this is staging. Chandler Bing: Yeah, this more than anything else, is the staging area. Joey Tribbiani: This is clearly in the wrong apartment. Chandler Bing: Alright you guys are off to party number one and you, you are off to party number two Alright fellas, let's keep it movin', let' keep it movin. Monica Geller: Chandler could you at least send some women to my party? Alright that's Ross. Chandler Bing: Ok, they're coming, shhh. Rachel Green: Ohh, thank you for the wonderful dinner. Ross Geller: Thanks for being born. Rachel Green: Ohh, thank you for my beautiul earrings, they're perfect. I love you. Ross Geller: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, ok. Rachel Green: Now I love you even more. Everyone: Surprise. Rachel Green: Oh my gosh, wow. Monica. Oh my god. Mom. This is so great. Sandra Green: Happy birthday sweetie. Rachel Green: Wow you, you. I had no idea. Ross Geller: Really? Rachel Green: No, I knew. Ross Geller: All right. Monica Geller: Ok, everybody, there's food and drinks on the table. Go across the hall. Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: What? Monica Geller: Right now, Joey and Chandler's, go now. Rachel Green: Why. Monica Geller: Just go. Everyone: Surprise. Leonard Green: Happy birthday sweetpea. Rachel Green: Daddy. Rachel Green: Both of them are here, both of them, both of them are here? Chandler Bing: Well, we could count again. Rachel Green: I can't believe this is happening. Ross Geller: You know what, this is ridiculous, ok. This is your birthday, this is your party. I say we just put 'em all together and if they can't deal with it, who cares. Rachel Green: I do. Ross Geller: That's who. Chandler Bing: Look, are you gonna be ok? Rachel Green: Well, I have to be, I don't really have a choice, I mean, you know, I could look at the bright side, I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes. Chandler Bing: Well, actually just one birthday flan. Rachel Green: What? Chandler Bing: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert...Look talk to Monica, she's on the food committee. Chandler Bing: Joey, Joey. Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,' and stuck her tounge down my throat. I love this party. Joey Tribbiani: Quick volleyball question. Chandler Bing: Volleyball. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you? Chandler Bing: Joey, a woman just stuck her tounge down my throat, I'm not even listening to you. Girl's Voice: Dennis. Chandler Bing: Ok, that's me. Rachel Green: Listen honey, can you keep dad occupied, I'm gonna go talk to mom for a while. Ross Geller: Ok, do you have any ideas for any openers? Rachel Green: Uhh, let's just stay clear of 'I'm the guy that's doing you daughter' and you should be ok. Monica Geller: Ok people, I want you to take a piece of paper, here you go, and write down your most embarassing memory. Oh, and I do ask that when you're not using the markers, you put the caps back on them because they will dry out. Ross Geller: Hi Dr. Greene. So, uh, how's everything in the uh, vascular surgery...game? Leonard Green: It's not a game Ross, a woman died on my table today. Ross Geller: I'm sorry. See that's the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead. Monica Geller: Listen you guys, I don't mean to be a pain about this but, um, I've noticed that some of you are just placing them on. You wanna push the caps until you hear them click. Gunther, where're you going? Gunther: I um, was sorta thinking about maybe... Monica Geller: No. No you can't go. No this is fun. Come on we're just getting started. Here, here's your marker. Phoebe Buffay: Listen if you wanna go, just go. Gunther: No, she'll yell at me again. Phoebe Buffay: Alright, I can get you out. Gunther: What? Phoebe Buffay: Shh. In a minute, I'm gonna create a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back. Leonard Green: I think I need a drink. Ross Geller: Oh, here, I, I'll get it for ya. Whad'ya want? Leonard Green: Scotch. Ross Geller: Scotch. Alright, I'll be back in 10 seconds with your scotch on the rocks in a glass. Leonard Green: Neat. Ross Geller: Cool. Leonard Green: No no no, no no no, neat, as in no rocks. Ross Geller: I know. Leonard Green: Oh hello Ross, where have you been? Ross Geller: Hi. Uh, I have been in the bathroom. Stay clear of the salmon mousse. Sandra Green: Oh, scotch neat. Ya know, that's Rachel's father's drink. Ross Geller: Oh, mine too. Isn't that neat, scotch neat. Would you excuse me? Hey, hey, where you uh, sneakin off to mister? Leonard Green: I'm getting my cigarettes out of my jacket. Ross Geller: No. no. Leonard Green: Whad'ya mean no? Ross Geller: No, um, see 'cause that, that is, that is the staging area. If you go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the party. Yeah, I think you take your scotch back in there and I will get your cigarettes for you sir. Leonard Green: Get my glasses too. Ross Geller: All righty roo. What a great moment to say that for the first time. Monica Geller: Ok, the first person's most embarassing memory is, 'Monica, your party sucks.' Very funny. Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, ooh, ooh, did somebody forget to use a coaster? Monica Geller: What? I don't see anything. Phoebe Buffay: Great, I'm seeing water rings again. Judy Geller: Ross, whose glasses are those? Ross Geller: Mine. Sandra Green: You wear bi-focals? Ross Geller: Um-hmm. I have a condition, apparently, that I require two different sets of focals. Sandra Green: Did you know my husband has glasses just like that? Rachel Green: Well those are very popular frames. Ross Geller: Neil Sedaka wears them. Guy: I hear you can get people out of here. Sandra Green: Rachel, you didn't tell me your boyfriend smoked. Rachel Green: Yeah, like a chimney. Ross Geller: Ohh, big smoker. Big big smoker. In fact I'm gonna go ou into the hallway and fire up this bad boy. Leonard Green: Are you wearing my glasses? Ross Geller: Yes. I was just warming up the earpieces for you. Leonard Green: Thank you. Is that one of my cigarettes? Ross Geller: Yeah, yes it is, I was just moistening the tip. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, ok, she's taking the trash out so I can get you out of here but it has to be now, she'll be back any minute. Girl 1: What about my friend Victor? Phoebe Buffay: No, only the three of you, any more than that and she'll get suspicious. Girl 1: Alright, let me just get my coat. Phoebe Buffay: There isn't time. You must leave everything. They'll take care of you next door. Girl 1: Is it true they have beer? Phoebe Buffay: Everything you've heard is true. Monica Geller: Could you guys please try to keep it down, we're trying to start a Boggle tournament. Monica Geller: You, and you, you're supposed to be at my party. And Gunther! What are you doing here? Gunther: Um Phoebe Buffay: Ok, welcome to the fu-oh. Monica Geller: Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: Alright, I'm sorry but these people needed me. They work hard all week, it's Saturday night, they deserve to have a little fun. Go. Monica Geller: Ya know, my party is fun. I mean, maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sorta fun but, you know, if people would just give it a chance... Rachel Green: You want me to see a therapist? Sandra Green: Sweetheart, you obviously have a problem. You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father. Rachel Green: Ok mom, you know what, fine, I'll make an appointment ok, but you know what, right now, I gotta go, I gotta go do a thing. Leonard Green: Did you know your mother spent $1200 dollars on bansai trees. I felt like Gulliver around that place. Rachel Green: Daddy, daddy, you know what, I really wanna hear more about this, I really do, but I just have, I just have to do a, some stuff. Sandra Green: You work and you work and you work at a marriage but all he cares about is his stupid boat. Leonard Green: You work and you work and you work on a boat... Sandra Green: He always ridiculed my pottery classs... Leonard Green: ...and you sand it and you varnish it... Sandra Green: ...but when all is said and done, he still drinks out of the mugs. Leonard Green: ...and her yoga and her Bridges of Madison County... Sandra Green: ...the scotch and the cigarettes... Leonard Green: ...and the bansai's and the chiuaua... Sandra Green: ...I may have only been in therapy for three weeks now dear but... Leonard Green: ...what the hell does she want with half a boat... Chandler Bing: Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll be skins. Hey, how you holdin' up there, tiger? Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor. Rachel Green: This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what my life is gonna be like. My mom there, my dad there. Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler how did you get through this? Chandler Bing: Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed. Rachel Green: Ya know, I just, so weird. I mean I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other and all I kept thinking about was the fourth of July. Chandler Bing: Becasue it reminded you of the way our forefathers used to bitch at each other? Rachel Green: It's just this thing. Every year we would go out on my dad's boat and watch the fireworks. Mom always hated it because the ocean air made her hair all big. My sister Jill would be throwing up over the side and my dad would be upset becasue nobody was helping and then when we did help he would scream at us for doing it wrong. But then when the fireworks started, everybody just shut up, you know, and it'd get really cold, and we would all just sort of smush under this one blanket. It never occured to anybody to bring another one. And now it's just... Chandler Bing: I, I know. Monica Geller: Ok, thanks for coming, I hope you guys had fun. Sandra Green: Alright, Monica dear, I'm gonna hit the road. Now I've left my 10 verbs on the table. And you be sure and send me that finished poem. Monica Geller: Ok will do. So glad you came. Sandra Green: I think I saw Rachel out in the hall. Monica Geller: Ok, let me go check. Your mom want's to say goodbye. Rachel Green: Oh ok. Sandra Green: Happy birthday sweetie. Rachel Green: Ok. Joey Tribbiani: Ahh, you drive safe. Sandra Green: Ross, what're you doing. Ross Geller: I'm getting ready for the water skiing. How are you doing? Chandler Bing: Well, uh, Dr. Greene, where are you going? Leonard Green: To get my coat. Guys: No no no. Leonard Green: Alright, alright, I can get my own coat. Chandler Bing: Sorry, we're on a major flan high. Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, you're not supposed to be here. This is the staging area, you should, it's all wrong, you should leave, ya know, get out. Or perhaps you'd like a creme d'menthe. Leonard Green: I have to be heading to my chateau, thank you. Phoebe Buffay: Oh all right, then I guess we're going back into the hallway. Joey Tribbiani: Thanks for coming Mrs. Greene. Well, ok, you take care. Sandra Green: Oh, you kids Well, this is the best party I've been to in years. Monica Geller: Thank you. Monica Geller: Ok everybody, it's time for flan. Chandler Bing: Yup, get ready for the gelatenous fun. Joey Tribbiani: Kinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection. Monica Geller: Ok, that's enough. Phoebe Buffay: Ok Rachel, make a special flan wish. Rachel Green: Ok, I've got one. Wow, those things almost never come true.
Rachel Green: Ok, Chandler, Mon, there's only one bananna nut muffin left. Monica Geller: Oh, I ordered mine first. Chandler Bing: Yeah, but I'm, I'm so much faster... Monica Geller: Give it to me. Chandler Bing: No. Monica Geller: Give it to me. Chandler Bing: Ok, you can have it. Monica Geller: There you go, enjoy your coffee. Chandler Bing: That was there when I got here. Phoebe Buffay: Hey you guys, you will never guess who's coming to New York. Monica Geller: Quick, Phoebe, tell us before he can swallow. Phoebe Buffay: Oh ok, Ryan, that guy I went out with, who's in the Navy. Rachel Green: You went out with a guy in the Navy? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I met him when I was playing guitar in Washington Square Park. Ryan threw in salt water taffy 'cause he didn't have any change. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, is that when you wrote salt water taffy man? Phoebe Buffay: No. No, he is my submaring guy. He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together. Only this time he's coming for two weeks. Two whole weeks, which means yay. Rachel Green: So wait, this guy goes down for like two years at a time? Monica Geller: That'll teach you to lick my muffin. Ross Geller: Hiii. Joey Tribbiani: Oh no, what happened? Ross Geller: Well, I just spoke to Carol. Ben's got the chicken pox. Everyone: Oh no. Ross Geller: Yeah, so if you haven't already had it, chances are you're gonna get it. Rachel Green: Well I've had it. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I've had it. Monica Geller: Had it. Chandler Bing: Had it. Phoebe Buffay: Well, I've never had it, I feel so left out. Oh look! Monica Geller: Honey, you made the bed again. I told you, you don't have to do that. This isn't camp. Richard Burke: Ooh, then I guess the panty raid last night was totally uncalled for. Ok, I am going to take a shower and today I will be singing Jim Crochee's Leroy Brown. Richard Burke: Monica... Hey Mon, I have a question. Is Leroy the baddest man in the whole damn town or the fattest man in the whole damn town? Monica Geller: Baddest. Otherwise the song would be Fat Fat Leroy Brown. Richard Burke: What're you doing? Monica Geller: Just waiting for you sweetie. Richard Burke: Are you remaking the bed? Monica Geller: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what, the way you did it was just fine. Richard Burke: Then, you're redoing it because... Monica Geller: If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy. Richard Burke: You're pretty much running that risk either way. Monica Geller: Ok, you see, the tag shouldn't be at the top left corner, it should be at the bottom right corner. Richard Burke: Oh, well that's not so crazy. Monica Geller: I'm just easing you in. Richard Burke: Oh, alright. Monica Geller: Alright, you see these little flower blossoms? They should be facing up, not down, because, well, the head of the bed is where the sun would be. You don't love me any more do you. Richard Burke: Actually, if it's possible, I love you more. Monica Geller: Really? Wow, well then come on, I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point. Chandler Bing: Hey, look Joey, I'm just saying if you need something to hold you over, I can get you a job right here as an entry level processor. Joey Tribbiani: But don't you need experience for a job like that? Chandler Bing: It's not that hard to learn. And as for people realizing you have no idea what you're doing, hey, you're an actor. Act like a processor, people will think you're a processor. Scott Alexander: Hey Chandler, here's this morning's projections. Chandler Bing: Hey thanks. Scott Alexander, Joey Tribbianni. Joey is a uh, fellow processor. Scott Alexander: No kidding. Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah yeah. I process. People want the processing, I'm the one they call. Scott Alexander: Where do you work? Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, well, right now I'm in between things. You know how it is. One day you're processing, the next day you're not so much... processing any more. Chandler Bing: I was just telling Joey about the opening in Fleischman's group. Scott Alexander: Fleischman's group. Whatever you do, don't touch his sandwiches. Ha-ha-ha... Joey Tribbiani: Ha-ha. Are all you processors dorks? Rachel Green: Oh, this lipstick looks just great on you. Monica Geller: You look fabulous honey, you really do. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? Are you sure, really. Rachel Green: You see, you look beautiful. For god sakes, dim the lights. Phoebe Buffay: I, I, I'm hideous. Monica Geller: It's gonna be ok. Ryan's been under water. He's just gonna be so glad that you don't have barnicles on your butt. Phoebe Buffay: Come in. Ryan: Hey baby, I'm back... Phoebe Buffay: Hey Ryan, what's up? Ryan: What's goin' on? Phoebe Buffay: Well, no no, you have to stay back. I, I have the pox. Ryan: Chicken or small? Phoebe Buffay: Chicken. Which is so ironic considering I'm a vegetarian. Ryan: Why aren't you at home in bed? Phoebe Buffay: 'Cause my, my grandmother's never had chicken pox. Please, please tell me you have, 'cause oh my God, I forgot how cute you are. Ryan: I'm sorry, I never had 'em. Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, ohh. Ryan: If I had one wish, it would be to build a time machine, go back to when I was 7, when Jimmy Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab that kid and rub him all over my face. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, or you know, you could just wish that I didn't have them now. Ryan: Can I please see your face? Phoebe Buffay: Nope. You don't want to see a face covered with pox. Ryan: Your face could be covered with lochs, I wouldn't care. Phoebe Buffay: And you hate fish. Oh. That's so sweet, alright. Ok, alright, you can see. This is me... Oh, I am scary. Ryan: Sorry, the lightning. Lightning was an unfortunate incidence. You look lovely, lovely. Phoebe Buffay: I hate this. 'Cause I tell you, I had the most amazing two weeks planned for us, and almost everything I had in mind, we had to be a lot closer than this. Ryan: Phoebe, I have spent the last eight months in a steel tube with men, thinking about this moment. I am not gonna let a bunch of itchy spots stand between us. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, this is the most romantic disease I've ever had. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Chandler Bing: Hey, how's the first day goin'? Joey Tribbiani: Pretty good. It's like you said. It's mostly just putting numbers from one column into another column. Chandler Bing: Well there you go. Joey Tribbiani: Hey and everbody is so nice. I just had a good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie. Chandler Bing: Jeannie, the head of east coast operations Jeannie? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, turns out our kids go to the same school. Small world huh? Chandler Bing: Weird world. Your kids? Joey Tribbiani: I figure my character has kids. Chandler Bing: Ya know there isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained. Joey Tribbiani: Well, see when you're acting you need to think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph the processor guy, has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does. Chandler Bing: Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Joseph and his wife, Karen, are thinking of having a third kid... Ya know what? Just did. Chandler Bing: Really? Wow. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there. Ryan: You know what makes the itching even worse? Phoebe Buffay: That you don't stop talking about it. Ryan: Fine. Phoebe Buffay: Let's just play, ok. Good, ok. Here we go, double sixes, here we go... Here we go, come to mama, just getting ready to roll the dice... Ryan: What're you doing? Are you scratching? Phoebe Buffay: No. This is what I do for luck, ok. Ryan: You're scratching. Give me the dice. Phoebe Buffay: No. Ryan: Give me the dice. Phoebe Buffay: No. Here. There. Ooh, double sixes. Ryan: We can't scratch. You know we can't, we'll scar. Phoebe Buffay: Uhh, I can't stop thinking about it. It's just so hard. I just wanna grab all these houses and rub 'em all over my body. Ryan: No. Phoebe Buffay: Give it. Ryan: No. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, come on. You know you want it, you know you want it too, come on. Let's just be bad, it'll feel so good. Ryan: Oh God help me. Phoebe Buffay: Now do me, do my back. Oh come on, harder. Rachel Green: Oh, stop that, stop that right now. Ross Geller: You know, I might have expected this of you Phoebe, but Ryan, you're a military man. Joey Tribbiani: You and Milton have to join us on the boat. Karen'll pack a lunch, you'll bring the kids, we'll make a day of it. Jeannie: Oh, that sounds lovely. We're gonna have to set that up. Oh, I better get back. Hope the baby feels better. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, thanks, thanks. Bye bye Jeannie. Jeannie: Bye bye Joey. Joey Tribbiani: What a phony. Chandler Bing: Well, I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing. Hey Mr. Douglas. Joey Tribbiani: Sir. Mr. Douglas: Uh, listen Bing, I received your memo. So, we're not gonna receive the systems report until next Friday? Chandler Bing: Well the people in my group wanna spend the holiday weekend with their families. Mr. Douglas: I have a family, I'm gonna be here. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah Bing, what's that about? Chandler Bing: It's about cutting my people a little slack, ya know, for morale. Look, if you wanna see some rough numbers, I can get them to you by Wednesday. Mr. Douglas: Rough numbers? Joey Tribbiani: This company was not built on rough numbers. Am I right Mr. Douglas. Mr. Douglas: Have the final numbers on my desk by Tuesday. Chandler Bing: Uh, if you say so sir. Joey Tribbiani: Joseph's good, isn't he? Chandler Bing: Well, I'm going to kill you. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, I just figure Joseph's the kinda guy that likes to mix it up. Ya know, get in there, ruffle some feathers. Chandler Bing: Why? Joey Tribbiani: Look, I'm sorry but that's what Joseph does, ok. If you try to pull somethin', he'll call you on it. 'What're you tryin' to pull,' he'll say. Richard Burke: Ooh, duct tape. Was I supposed to bring something too? Monica Geller: This is for the scratchy twins out there. I taped oven mits to their hands. Richard Burke: You're strict. Monica Geller: It's for their own good. Richard Burke: You know, I like the way you have efficiently folded this tab under. See in a tape emergency you could shave valuable seconds off your time. Monica Geller: Exactly. Oh, I love that I can be totally neurotic around you now. Tell me the truth. Don't you like it better now that everything on your desk is perpendicular? Richard Burke: If it's not a right angle, it is a wrong angle. Monica Geller: Very good. Richard Burke: Thank you. Monica Geller: You know what. Tomorrow I'm gonna do your clocks. Richard Burke: You're gonna do what to my clocks. Monica Geller: I'm gonna set them to my time. Richard Burke: Well, I'm confused. I thought we shared time. Monica Geller: No no. See, in my bedroom I set my clock six minutes fast. You wanna know why? Richard Burke: Because it's in a slightly different time zone than the kitchen. Monica Geller: No forget it, I'm not gonna tell you now. Richard Burke: No come on. Come on tell me. Monica Geller: No. See you don't understand. Richard Burke: Come on. Monica Geller: No. You don't have any of these cute little obsessive things. Richard Burke: No that's not true. That is not true. Monica Geller: Oh yeah. Richard Burke: Yeah. Monica Geller: Alright, well tell me one of yours. Richard Burke: Ok. Ahh. One of my things is, I always separate my sweat socks from my dress socks. Monica Geller: What if they get mixed up? Richard Burke: Boy I would just uh, I would freak out. Monica Geller: You would not. I can't believe this. I hate this, you're too normal. I can't believe my boyfriend doesn't have a thing. My boyfriend doesn't have a thing. Richard Burke: See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Mr. Douglas is looking for you. Chandler Bing: Why? Wh- wh- why is Mr. Douglas looking for me? Joey Tribbiani: 'Cause he has a strong suspicion that you dropped the ball on the Lender project. Chandler Bing: Wha- wh- why, why, why does he suspect that? Joey Tribbiani: Becasue at first he thought it was Joseph. But after he asked Joseph about it, turns out it was you. Anyway, I just thought you should know. Chandler Bing: Alright, that's it. Look Joey, I'm sorry, I realize this is the role of a lifetime for ya, and if I could just fire Joseph, I would, but unfortunately that's not possible so I'm gonna have to let both of you go. Joey Tribbiani: What're you talking about, everybody loves Joseph. Chandler Bing: I don't, I hate Joseph, ok. I think he's a brown-nosing suck up. Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah. Well you can't fire Joseph. You know why, 'cause he's not in your department. Chandler Bing: Alright, ok, alright. So I can't fire Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife. Joey Tribbiani: Karen. Chandler Bing: Yeah, Karen. I'm thinking about having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I just did. Joey Tribbiani: Ahh. What the hell are you doing to me man. Chandler Bing: Oh well it's not me, it's my character, Chandy. Yeah the rogue processor who seduces his co-worker's wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer. Joey Tribbiani: Really? Chandler Bing: No freakshow, she's fictional. Joey Tribbiani: Take it easy. If it means that much to you, I'll uh, I'll go find something else. Chandler Bing: Thank you. Joey Tribbiani: It's just that, I, I'm gonna miss Joseph. I liked him. His wife, she was hot. Phoebe Buffay: Can I please take these off? I swear I won't scratch. Rachel Green: No sorry hon, Monica's orders. Ryan: Well that wasn't easy. Ross Geller: Ok, dinner's on. Rachel Green: And there's a peach cobbler warming in the oven so the plate's gonna be hot but that shouldn't be a problem for you. Ross Geller: Alright you kids, bye now. Ross Geller: Oh look, a low budget puppet show. Phoebe Buffay: It's such a shame you can't see which finger I'm holding up. Ryan: Wine? Phoebe Buffay: Please. Ryan: Oh, I spilled some. Phoebe Buffay: I got it. Ryan: I must tell you, you look beautiful tonight. Phoebe Buffay: What? Ryan: Sorry. You look beautiful. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Phoebe Buffay: You know what, that's it, that's it. Richard Burke: Monica, wake up. Monica. Monica Geller: What's up? Richard Burke: I thought of a thing. Monica Geller: Yeah? Richard Burke: Yeah. I have to sleep, have to, on this side of the bed. Monica Geller: No honey. You have to sleep on this side of the bed because I have to sleep on this side of the bed. Richard Burke: Or so I would have you believe. Monica Geller: No. Big deal, so you have a side of the bed, everybody has a side of the bed. Richard Burke: Hey come on, you haven't heard my reason yet. Monica Geller: Alright, go on. Richard Burke: Ok, I have to sleep on the west side because I grew up in California and otherwise the ocean would be on the wrong side. Monica Geller: Oh my God, you're a freak. Richard Burke: Yeah. How 'bout that. Rachel Green: So uh, Ryan, were you shipping off to? Ryan: I really can't say. Ross Geller: So do you have like any nuclear weapons on board? Ryan: I can't say. Rachel Green: Well do you get to look through one of those like, those periscope thingys. Ryan: I'm sorry, but I can't say. Ross Geller: Wow, it, it's neat learning about submarines. Ryan: I better get out of here, I'm gonna miss my flight. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, I'll walk you out. Ross Geller: Bye Ryan. Ryan: Pleasure. Rachel Green: It was nice to meet you. Ryan: Take care. Rachel Green: So do you uh, think we can get you one of those uh, uniform things? Ross Geller: You like that do ya? Rachel Green: Oh yeah. Ross Geller: I'll make some calls. Rachel Green: Ok. Ryan: Can you believe how we spent our two weeks together? Phoebe Buffay: I know. We didn't do any of the romantic things I had planned, like having a picnic at Central Park and ya know, coffee at Central Perk. Oh I just got that. Ryan: Taxi. Phoebe Buffay: Bye you. Rachel Green: Oh I'm sorry, we're clo-... Hey sailor. Ross Geller: Is this what you had in mind? Rachel Green: I'll say. Ross Geller: I'm shipping out tomorrow. Rachel Green: Well then uh, we better make this night count. Oh wait, I forgot to turn off the cappucino machine. Anchors away. Oh no no, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my pu rse. Oh, you know what. I forgot to turn off the bathroom light. Ross Geller: Alright you know, why don't I just meet you upstairs.
Rachel Green: Hey Joey, how'd the audition go? Joey Tribbiani: Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was. Everyone: Who? Joey Tribbiani: All right. I'll give you one hint. Warren Beatty. Everyone: Wow! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, there's just one thing that might be kind've a problem. See, I, uh, had to kiss this guy. Chandler Bing: 'Cause he was just so darn cute. Joey Tribbiani: No, as part of the audition. See, I'm up for this part of this guy, who the main guy kisses. Ross Geller: Well, hey. You're an actor, I say you just suck it up and do it. Or you just do it. Joey Tribbiani: I did do it, I'm a professional. Monica Geller: Then what's the problem? Joey Tribbiani: See after the scene, Mr. Beatty comes up to me and says 'good actor, bad kisser'. Can you believe that, me not a good kisser, that's like, like Mother Theresa, not a good mother. Phoebe Buffay: Well, come on, who cares what that guy thinks. What does Warren Beatty know about kissing Ooh. Chandler Bing: Hey, what did your agent say? Joey Tribbiani: Yep, this kiss thing is defiantly a problem, Mr. Beatty wants to see it again on Monday. Man, I gotta figure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh, okay, one of you girls come over here and kiss me. Monica Geller: What, forget it! Rachel Green: Yeah, right. Joey Tribbiani: Come on, I need your help here. Phoebe Buffay: All right. I'll do it, I kissed him before I can do it again. Joey Tribbiani: You see this, this is a friend. Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, let's go. Oh, wait I have gum. Okay. Good, very good, firm but tender. I'd recommend you to a friend. Joey Tribbiani: Then I don't know what it is. What's the problem? Monica Geller: Joey, you know, maybe your just not used to kissing men, maybe you just tensed up a little, maybe that's what you need to work on. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, that makes sense. Ross Geller: Over my dead body! Chandler Bing: And I'll be using his dead body as a shield. Ross Geller: Come on out, honey! I'm telling you look good! Tell her she looks good, tell her she looks good. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, you look so good! Rachel Green: I can not believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when your nauseous. Ross Geller: So don't, I don't see why we have to go to this thing anyway, it's your ex-fiancee's wedding. Rachel Green: Because I promised Mindy I would. Monica Geller: Yeah, well you promised Barry, you'd marry him. Rachel Green: Look you guys, I have to go, I'm the Maid-of-Honor. And besides you know what I just need to be in a room again with these people and feel good about myself. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh-oh! Someone's wearing the same clothes they had on last night. Someone get a little action? Chandler Bing: I may have. Monica Geller: Woo-hoo, stuud! Ross Geller: What's she look like? Chandler Bing: Well, we haven't exactly met, we just stayed up all night talking on the internet. Monica Geller: Woo-hoo, geeek! Chandler Bing: I like this girl, okay, I seriously like this girl, you now how sometimes I tend get a little defended and quipy... Ross Geller: Get out! Rachel Green: Nooo! Monica Geller: Please! Chandler Bing: Well she totally called me on it, okay. She said, 'cut it out, get real', and I did. Rachel Green: Wow! What's that like? Chandler Bing: It's like this, me, no jokes. Phoebe Buffay: All right, stop it, you're freaking me out. Richard Burke: Oh, yeah, I don't like you this way. All right, I'll see you guys later. Everyone: Bye, Richard. Monica Geller: Bye sweetie, I love you. Richard Burke: I love you, too. Phoebe Buffay: I think my boyfriend ever so dreamy, I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like. Monica Geller: What are you talking about? What wedding? Phoebe Buffay: Come on, like you never talk that. Monica Geller: Nooo! Never! I mean, we're living in the moment. God, it is so nice for once to not have to get all hung up on 'Where is this going?' Rachel Green: Afraid to ask him? Monica Geller: Could not be more terrified. Chandler Bing: Well, I think you should seriously consider the marriage thing, give Rachel another chance to dress up like Princess Bubble Yum. Monica Geller: Where's Benny? There he is! Where's Benny, there he is. Richard Burke: Awww! You know that's probably why babies learn to talk, so they can tell grown ups to cut it out. Monica Geller: Hey, you know I got a question for ya. Just a little thing, no pressure. Richard Burke: Okay. Monica Geller: Did you ever, uh, like, think about the future? Richard Burke: Sure I do. Monica Geller: Yeah, am I in it? Richard Burke: Honey, you are in it. Monica Geller: Oh God, you are about to get sooo lucky. Richard Burke: Oh, yeah! Monica Geller: Keep talkin'. Richard Burke: Well, uh, sometimes I think about selling my practice, we could move to France, make French toast. Monica Geller: Okay, so, uh, we're in France, we're making the toast. Do you see a little bassinet in the corner? Richard Burke: Like a hound? Monica Geller: Not a basset, a bassinet. Richard Burke: You really need the bassinet? Monica Geller: Well, I just think the baby would keep falling off the dog. Do you, uh, do you , do you not see kids in our future. Richard Burke: Oh, hey. I love children, I have children. I just don't want to be 70 when our kids go off to college, and our lives can finally start. Monica Geller: Uh-huh. Richard Burke: Look I want you, now. Monica Geller: That's Great. You know we don't need to talk about this now. Really, I mean this is, is so way, way, way, in the future, I'm talkin' hovercrafts and apes taking over the planet. Joey Tribbiani: Come on, Chandler, I want this part soo much. Just one kiss, I won't tell anyone. Chandler Bing: Joey, no means no! Rachel Green: Hey! Chandler Bing: I'm sorry we, we don't have your sheep. Joey Tribbiani: Aww, Rach, I think you look cute And you, uh, you, you I could eat with a spoon . Ross Geller: Get away from me I said no! Monica Geller: Richard buzzed. He's waiting downstairs. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, Richard's here. I should run down say bye to him Everyone: Bye. Phoebe Buffay: Bye, good luck. Phoebe Buffay: So how's your date with your cyberchick going. Ooh, hey, what is all that . Chandler Bing: Oh, it's a website, it's the, uh, the Guggenheim museum. See, she likes art, and I like funny words. Phoebe Buffay: What does she mean by HH? Chandler Bing: It means we're holding hands. Phoebe Buffay: Are you the cutest? Chandler Bing: I'm afraid I might just be. Phoebe Buffay: You know, what I think is so great that you are totally into this person and yet for all you know she could be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or. It could be a guy. Chandler Bing: Okay, it's not a guy, all right, I know her. Phoebe Buffay: It could be like a big giant guy. Joey Tribbiani: Man, I got this close to him and Monica kneed me in the back. What's going on? Phoebe Buffay: We were just wondering if Chandler's girlfriend is a girl. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, well. Just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men. Chandler Bing: How do you not fall down more? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, ask her 'What is her current method of birth control?' Chandler Bing: All right. "My husband is sleeping with his secretary." She's married! Phoebe Buffay: Well at least we know she's a woman. Chandler Bing: I can't believe she's married. Joey Tribbiani: Aw, man I'm sorry . This must be very tough for ya, huh . Monica Geller: So, I read this article in the paper the other day that says you're not supposed to throw rice at weddings, because when pigeons eat rice it kills them. Richard Burke: Oh, that's why you never see pigeons at sushi bars. See, we're having fun. Monica Geller: Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you know I'm not even thinking about that thing that we're not supposed to think about. Richard Burke: Neither am I. Ross Geller: Hey, there. Rachel Green: Hi. Ross Geller: Are you all right? Rachel Green: Yeah, when I was in the bathroom I saw the window that I crawled out of at my wedding, and God, I just started thinking that I shouldn't be here, you know I shouldn't, people are going to be looking at me and judging me and, and thinking about the last time. Ross Geller: Sweetie, it's be gonna okay, all right. It's a wedding, generally people focus on the bride. Rachel Green: God I know, you're right. Wedding Planner: All rightie, everybody look at me. Good. All right, its time. Bridesmaids and ushers let's see two lines, thank you. Rachel Green: Okay, I'll see you after the thing. Ross Geller: Okay, good luck Rachel Green: Thank you, Okay, Okay. Rachel Green: Why the hell didn't you tell me! Ross Geller: I'm sorry. What was I supposed to do stand up and shout 'Hey, Rachel, your butt is showing!' Rachel Green: Oh my God this is sooo humiliating. I think the only thing that tops that was, was, was when I was in the eight grade and I had to sing the Copa Cabana in front of the entire school. I think I got about two lines into it before I ran and freaked out. Oh my God, my entire life is flashing before my eyes. Ross Geller: Rach, hey look, I remember that, it wasn't so bad. Rachel Green: Oh Ross, would you stop, you got me, I'm dating you. Mr. Wineburg: Rachel! Rachel Green: Oh hi, Mr. Wineburg, hi Mrs. Wineburg. Mr. Wineburg: It's so wonderful to see you again, my dear, in fact I hardly expected to see so much. Mrs. Wineburg: You told me you didn't see anything. Mr. Wineburg: I tell ya a lot things! Mrs. Wineburg: Well it's wonderful to have you up and about, again, dear. Mr. Wineburg: Stay well. Rachel Green: Okay, now that is the third time someone has said something like that to me today. Mindy Hunter: Rach! Rach! Rachel Green: Oh, hi! Mindy Hunter: Oh my God, I'm married! Rachel Green: I know. Mindy Hunter: I'm Mrs. Dr. Barry Hunter hyphen Farber. Rachel Green: Oh honey, I'm so proud of you, Min. Barry Farber: Min. Oh Rach, you're still here, at our wedding, they were packing up the chopped liver about now. Rachel Green: Yeah, I love that story. Um, I got a question for you guys. Why do people keep is saying that is good to see me up and about? Mindy Hunter: Well uh, after you ran out on your wedding, Barry's parents told people that you were sort of...insane. Rachel Green: Insane! Mindy Hunter: ...from the syphilis. Rachel Green: What?! Barry Farber: Yeah, what are they gonna say you didn't love me anymore. Come on. Joey Tribbiani: Angela? Joey Tribiani. Listen, what are ya doing tonight. I know your seeing that guy I was thinking maybe you could bring him...Hello? Hello? Phoebe Buffay: Aren't you gonna answer her, that's like the tenth bing-bong message she sent. She wants to know what's wrong? Chandler Bing: What's wrong? What's wrong? You're married that's what's wrong. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, my. Chandler Bing: What? Phoebe Buffay: She wants to meet you in person. Chandler Bing: Hey, look, Phoebe I wanted to meet her in person too, okay, but she's married, she has a husband. Phoebe Buffay: What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy. I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip. Chandler Bing: Okay, I'll do it! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah! Okay! Great! Go, man, go put on your shoes, and, and march out there and meet her! Oh, wait, no, no you have to take a shower, 'cause, eww. No, you know what you have to answer her, answer her first. No, no, you know what make some coffee 'cause its too much. Monica Geller: Okay, one more, please. Come on, I'm gonna get it in this time, I will. Richard Burke: Okay, last chance. Again, I'm sorry. Monica Geller: You know what, maybe I don't need to have children. You know maybe I just think I do because that is what society, and by that I mean my mom, has always convinced me that I... I do, I have to have children, I'm sorry, I just do. Best Man: Yo! Can I have your attention, please, Best Man, making a toast here. Thank you. I remember when Barry got home from his first date with Rachel... Everyone: What?! Best Man: What, you hired the same band I can't use the same speech. Thank you, thank you very much. Anyway, I wish you both a wonderful life together. And Rachel... Rachel Green: What. Best Man: No, no, no now in all seriousness, its not a lot of women would've had the guts to come back here tonight, and even fewer, who would do it with their asses hanging out! Ross Geller: Uh, I like to, uh, to add something to that... Rachel Green: Why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding? Ross Geller: Most of you don't know me, I'm Rachel's boyfriend. Rachel Green: Oh dear God. Ross Geller: Ross, uh and uh, I'd just like to say that it did take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight. And, uh, for the record she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis. What are you doing I'm serious. Uh, the reason she walked out on, on Barry is simply that she didn't love him, which incidentally worked out pretty well for me Cheers. Rachel Green: She you in the parking lot. Ross Geller: No, Rach! Barry Farber: And once again she is out of here. Okay who had 9:45? Um? Rachel Green: Ya, know what Barr, I'm not gonna leave. I probably should, but I'm not, see 'cause I promised myself that I would make it through at least *one* of your weddings . See now, tonight, all I really wanted was to make it though this evening with a little bit of grace and dignity. Well , I guess we can all agree that's not gonna happen. There's nothing really left to say except... "Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. With yellow feathers , feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there. She would..." Ross Geller: Marenge, Rachel Green: "...marenge, thank you honey, and do the cha-cha. And while she like to be a star, Tony always tended bar. At the, wait, wait, everybody.." Ross Geller: Everybody! Rachel Green: At the Copa, Copa Cabana The hottest spot north of Havana. At the Copa, Coo-pa Ca-ban-a, music and fashion were always the passion, at the Copa... Richard Burke: Okay, I'll do it. Monica Geller: You'll do what? Richard Burke: If kids is what I takes to be with you then kids it is. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Richard Burke: If I have to I'll, I'll do all again , I'll do the 4 o'clock feeding thing, I'll go to the P.T.A. meetings, I'll coach the soccer team. Monica Geller: Really? Richard Burke: Yeah, if I have to. Monica, I don't wanna lose you, so if I have to do it all over again, then I will. Monica Geller: You're the most wonderful man. And if you hadn't of said 'if I have to' like seventeen times, then I'd be saying 'okay, let's do it.' Richard Burke: But you're not. Monica Geller: Oh my God, I can't believe what I'm getting ready to say. I wanna have a baby, but I don't wanna have one with someone who doesn't really wanna have one. Richard Burke: God. I love you. Monica Geller: I know you do. Me too. So what now? Richard Burke: I guess we just keep dancing. Chandler Bing: Where is she, Where is she? Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she? Rachel Green: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here. Chandler Bing: Ooh, oh, oh, that's her. Ross Geller: Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind. Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is to, never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to... Chandler Bing: Oh my God! Janice Litman Goralnik: OH...MY...GAWD!! Everyone: OH...MY...GOD!! Ross Geller: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and dammit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes . Joey Tribbiani: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm tellin' ya that girl totally winked at me. Everyone: Did not, she did not wink at you... Chandler Bing: Huh. Ross Geller: I have to say Tupolo Honey by Van Morrison. Rachel Green: Nooo Way! The most romantic song ever is The Way We Were. Phoebe Buffay: See, I-I think that one that Elton John wrote for, um, that guy on Who's The Boss. Rachel Green: What song was that, Pheebs? Phoebe Buffay: Hold me close, young Tony Dan-za. Phoebe Buffay: Hi Monica! Ross Geller: Hey Mon! Rachel Green: Hey Mon! Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, has she slept at all? Ross Geller: Nope. Rachel Green: No, it's been three nights in a row. Ross Geller: Yeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday, but then she found one of Richard's cigar butts out on the terrace, so. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay that explains it. I got a call at two in the morning, but all I could hear was, like, this high squeaky sound, so I thought okay its like a mouse or a opossum. But then I realized where would a mouse or a opossum get the money to make the phone call. Chandler Bing: Morning. Joey Tribbiani: Morning, hey, you made pancakes? Chandler Bing: Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do that. Janice Litman Goralnik: Monica and Rachel had syrup, now I can get my man to cheer up. Good morning Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Good morning. Chandler Bing: Hey, you know what, here's a thought. Why don't you stay home from work today and just hang out with me. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, I wish. Look, honey, you have that report to finish, and I gotta go see my lawyer. Chandler Bing: I can not believe that I am going out with someone that is getting divorced. I'm such a grown up. Janice Litman Goralnik: I-I-I gotta go, I gotta go. Okay, not without a kiss. Chandler Bing: Well, maybe I won't kiss you, and then you'll have to stay. Joey Tribbiani: Kiss her! Kiss her! Janice Litman Goralnik: I'll see you later, sweetie. Bye Joey. Joey Tribbiani: B-bye Janice. So when ya' dumpin' her. Chandler Bing: Nope, not this time. Joey Tribbiani: Come on, quite yankin' me. Chandler Bing: I'm not yanking you. Joey Tribbiani: This is Janice. Chandler Bing: Yeah, I know. She makes me happy. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. All right. You look me in the eye and tell me, without blinking, that you're not breaking up with her. No blinking. Chandler Bing: I'm not breaking up with her! Monica Geller: God, look what I found in the drain. Rachel Green: What?! Monica Geller: It's some of Richard's hair! What do I do with this? Ross Geller: Getting it away from me would be job one. Monica Geller: It's weird, but you know what I don't wanna throw this away. I mean this is like all I have left of him, gross, drain hair. Ooh! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh. Oh. It looks like, like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal. Monica Geller: God, what is wrong with me. Ross Geller: You need to get some sleep. Monica Geller: I need to get some Richard. Rachel Green: Monica, you broke up with him for a reason. Monica Geller: I know, I know. I'm just so tired of-of missing him. I'm tired of wondering why hasn't he called. Why hasn't he called! Phoebe Buffay: Maybe, because you told him not to. Monica Geller: What are you the memory woman? Joey Tribbiani: Their not breaking up. Chandler and Janice. Their not breaking up. He didn't blink or anything. Rachel Green: Well, you know I'm not surprised. I mean have you seen them together, they're really cute. Joey Tribbiani: Cute! This is Janice! You remember Janice? Rachel Green: Yes, Joey, I remember, she's annoying, but you know what she's-she's his girlfriend now. I mean what can we do? Joey Tribbiani: There you go! That's the spirit I'm looking for! What can we do? Huh? All right who's first? Huh? Ross? Ross Geller: Well I'm thinking that Chandler's our friend and Janice makes him happy, so I say we just all be adult about it and accept her. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, we'll call that Plan B. All right? Rachel Green: Honey, I was wondering... Ross Geller: Hmm? Rachel Green: Do you still have that, um, Navy uniform? Ross Geller: Nooo, I had to return it to the costume place. Rachel Green: Hmm. Ross Geller: I think I have an old band uniform from high school. Rachel Green: You remember not having sex in high school, right? Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: Well honey, what about you? Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: I mean do you have any fun, you know, fantasy type things? Ross Geller: No. Rachel Green: Come on you gotta have one! Ross Geller: Nope. Rachel Green: Ross, you know what... Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: ...if you tell me, I might do it. Ross Geller: Okay, umm. Did you ever see, um, Return Of The Jedi? Rachel Green: Yeah. Ross Geller: Do you remember the scene with, um, Jabba the Hut? Well Jabba had as, as his prisoner, um, Princess Leia. Rachel Green: Oooh! Ross Geller: Princess Leia, was wearing this, um, gold bikini thing. It was pretty cool. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold bikini, every guy our age loved that. Rachel Green: Really! Phoebe Buffay: Um, um. It's huge. Yeah, that's the moment, when-when, you know she stopped being a princess, and became, like, a woman, you know. Rachel Green: Did you ever do the-the Leia thing? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah, um-mm. Oh! Rachel Green: Really! That-that great huh? Phoebe Buffay: No it's just that I got this new pager and I have it on vibrate. See ya! Ross Geller: Hey! Rachel Green: Hi you guys! Ross Geller: Look who I found standing outside of the Szechwan Dragon staring at a parking meter. Rachel Green: Mon. Hi! Monica Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: Why aren't you at work? Monica Geller: Oh, they-they sent me home. Rachel Green: Why? Monica Geller: Because I don't work at the Szechwan Dragon. Ross Geller: Okay. Rachel Green: You really, really need to get some sleep, honey. Monica Geller: I know I do. Ross Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: Hi. Ross Geller: Guess what? Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: They published my paper. Rachel Green: Oh, really, let me see, let me see. Phoebe Buffay: Rach, look! Oh, hi! Where is my strong Ross Skywalker to come rescue me. There he is. Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Wheel! Chandler Bing: Of! Joey Tribbiani: Fortune! This guy is so stupid. It's Count Rushmore!! Chandler Bing: You know, you should really go on this show. All right, listen, I got three tickets to the Rangers tonight. What'd ya' say? Joey Tribbiani: I say, 'I am there!' Cool! Aw, is Ross going to? Chandler Bing: No, Janice. Joey Tribbiani: Jan-ice. 'Cause I, just, I feel bad for Ross, you know, we-we always go together, we're like the three hocke-teers. Chandler Bing: You know, I may be way out on a limb here, but do you, do you, have a problem with Janice? Joey Tribbiani: No, Yeeees. God, how do I say this. . Oh, hi, you know that girl from the Greek restaurant with the hair ? Chandler Bing: Ooh, that girl that I hate, eww, drives me crazy, eww, eww, oh! Joey Tribbiani: Look, I don't hate Janice, she's-she's just a lot to take, you know. Chandler Bing: Well, there you go. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey. Come on man, don't look at me like that, she used to drive you nuts before too, remember? Chandler Bing: Well, I'm crazy about her now. I think this could be the real thing. Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! Don't worry, those are the right letters. Joey Tribbiani: Look, what do you want me to say? Chandler Bing: I want you to say that you like her! Joey Tribbiani: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her. Chandler Bing: Thanks for trying. Oh, and by the way there is no Count Rushmore! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, then-then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain? Ross Geller: How could you have told her? Rachel Green: Ross, I didn't think it would that big of a deal. Ross Geller: Oh, she didn't think it would be that big of deal. Rachel Green: Okay, who are you talking to when you do that? Ross Geller: Look, that was supposed to be like a private, personal thing between us. Rachel Green: Okay, Ross, Phoebe is my girlfriend, okay, we tell each other everything. You know, I mean, come on, guys do the same thing, I mean, what about all that locker room stuff. Ross Geller: That's different, okay. That's like, uh 'Who dated a stripper?' or 'Who did it on the back of the Staton Island Ferry?'. Rachel Green: Were both of those Joey? Ross Geller: Yeah. Look, you don't, you don't talk about like, you know, your girlfriend and the intimate stuff you, you do with her. Rachel Green: Not even with your best friend. Ross Geller: Noo! Rachel Green: That is so sad. Your missing out on so much, Ross. I mean, the bonding and the sharing, you know. And-and knowing that someone else is going through the same thing you are. Ross Geller: Hmph. So what you, you tell each other everything? Rachel Green: Pretty much. Ross Geller: Did you talk about the night of five times? Do you tell people about the night of five times? Rachel Green: Uh, honey, yeah that was with Carol. Ross Geller: I know, but it's still worth mentioning, I think. Phoebe Buffay: Relax every muscle in your body. Listen to the plinky-plunky music. Okay, now close you eyes, and think of a happy place. Okay, tell me your happy place. Monica Geller: Richard's living room, drinking wine. Phoebe Buffay: All right. No, no, no, not a Richard thing, just put down the glass. And get out! Monica Geller: I'm sorry, but that's my happy place. Phoebe Buffay: Well, okay, fine, use my happy place. Okay, I'm just gonna, I have to ask that you don't move anything. Monica Geller: All right, I'll try not to. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, all right, so, your in a meadow, millions of stars in the sky... Monica Geller: Do you think breaking up with him was a huge mistake? Phoebe Buffay: All right, there are no questions in the happy place. Okay, just, the warm breeze, and the moonlight flowing through the trees... Monica Geller: I'll bet he's totally over me, I'll bet he's fine. Phoebe Buffay: All right, betting and wagering of any kind, are, I'm sure, not permitted in the happy place. Okay. Just-just, you know, the-the lovely waterfalls, and the, the trickling fountains. And the-the calming sounds of the babbling brook... Monica Geller: Okay, this isn't working. I'm still awake and now I have to pee. Janice Litman Goralnik: So, I hear, you hate me! Joey Tribbiani: I, ah, I never said hate, I was very careful about that. Janice Litman Goralnik: A little birdie told me something about you wanting to rip your arm off and throw it at me. Joey Tribbiani: And you got a 'hate' from that?! Your taking a big leap there... Janice Litman Goralnik: All right, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, We've got to do something about our little situation here Joey. So, this is my idea you and me spending some quality time together. Joey Tribbiani: But what does that gonna do... Janice Litman Goralnik: For Chandler! Joey Tribbiani: Okay. I'm in. Janice Litman Goralnik: Okay. All right. This is what we're gonna call it 'Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!' Joey Tribbiani: Does it have to be a whole day? Janice Litman Goralnik: Yes, because that's how long it takes to love me. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I know, I sleep in the next room. Monica Geller: So, I went down to the post office, and it turns out it was those videos that I ordered for Richard about the Civil War. He loved the Civil War. Phoebe Buffay: Monica, do you want us to take you home? Monica Geller: Uh, huh. Or maybe to a galaxy far, far away. Ross Geller: Women tell each other everything. Did you know that? Chandler Bing: Umm, yeah. Ross Geller: No Chandler, everything! Like stuff you like, stuff she likes, technique, stamina, girth... Chandler Bing: Girth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why, why, why would they do this? Ross Geller: Rachel says sharing's great and supposedly, you know, we outta be doing it. Do you wanna? Chandler Bing: We're not gonna talk about girth are we? Ross Geller: Nooo! Chandler Bing: Yeah, okay. Ross Geller: Yeah? Chandler Bing: Yeah! All right! You go first. Ross Geller: Okay, okay, I'll go first. Chandler Bing: Okay. Ross Geller: So, uh, the other night Rachel and I are in bed talking about fantasies, and I happened to describe a particular Star Wars thing... Chandler Bing: Princess Leia in the gold bikini. Ross Geller: Yes! Chandler Bing: I know! Ross Geller: Yes! Wow, well, that-that was easy. Okay, you-you go. Chandler Bing: Okay. Ross Geller: Okay. Chandler Bing: Okay, you know, you know when your in bed, with a woman. Ross Geller: Hmph. Chandler Bing: And, ah, you know, your fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place... Ross Geller: With the belly-button ring? Oh, muhawa! Chandler Bing: I know, And then all of the sudden your Mom pops into your head. And your like 'Mom, get outta here!' You know, but of course, like, after that you can't possibly think of anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what your doing. So it's kinda like, you're, you know. You know... You don't know! Ross Geller: Your Mom, your telling me, your telling me, about your Mom, what is the matter with you? Chandler Bing: You said... Ross Geller: I said 'share' not 'scare'. Go sit over there! . Janice Litman Goralnik: We're baack! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: What are you guys doing together? Janice Litman Goralnik: Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!!! Chandler Bing: Really. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah. We went to a Mets game, we got Chinese food, and you know, I love this woman. You have got competition buddy. Janice Litman Goralnik: I just came by to give you a kiss, I have to go pick up the baby, so. I'll see you later sweetheart, you too Chandler. Chandler Bing: You still can't stand her can you? Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry man, I tired, I really did. Chandler Bing: Well, you know, I appreciate you giving it a shot. Joey Tribbiani: But, hey, look, you know the good thing is, is that we spent the whole day together and I survived, and what's even more amazing, so did she. It was bat day at Shea Stadium. Chandler Bing: Well, I guess that's something. Joey Tribbiani: No man, that's huge! Now, I know I can stand to be around her, which means I get to hang out with you, which is kinda the whole point, anyway. Chandler Bing: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey, Chandler, we, ah, we stopped by the coffee shop and ran into Ross. Chandler Bing: Oh God! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I do it too. Chandler Bing: Really? Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, I always picture your Mom when I'm having sex. Monica Geller: Hi, Dad, what are you doing here? Jack Geller: Well, it's your mother's bridge night so I thought that I would come into the city for a little Monicuddle. Since when did you start smoking cigars? Monica Geller: I don't, I just, I just like the smell of them. So, uh, what are you really doing here Dad? Jack Geller: Well, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Monica Geller: What makes you think that I might not be okay? Jack Geller: I saw Richard. Monica Geller: Oh. Jack Geller: So, how are you doing? Monica Geller: I'm fine, just a little tired, I'm okay. How's Richard doing? Jack Geller: You don't wanna know. Monica Geller: No, I really, really do. Jack Geller: Well, he's doing terrible! Monica Geller: Really! Jack Geller: Worse than when he broke up with Barbara. Monica Geller: You're not just saying that are you? Jack Geller: No, the man is a mess. Monica Geller: Was he crying? Jack Geller: No. Monica Geller: Well, do you think he was waiting 'til after you left, so he could cry? Jack Geller: Maybe. Monica Geller: I think so. Jack Geller: Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your Mom and me. You know after we graduated college we broke up for a while. It seems her Father, your Grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe, like he did. Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel, because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time. However, Rachel Green: Okay, here we go. I'm Jabba's prisoner, and you have a really weird look on your face. What? Honey, what is it? Did I get it wrong? Did I get the hair wrong? What? Did you just picture it differently? What? What? Ross Geller: No, no it's, um, it's not you, um, it's um, it's Judy Geller: Well what is it? Come on sweetie, your like, freaking me out here. Ross Geller: I hate Chandler, the bastard ruined my life.
Joey Tribbiani: All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider. Chandler Bing: Taste it. Joey Tribbiani: Yep, it's fat. I drank fat! Chandler Bing: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago. Ross Geller: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey, mister tux! Ross Geller: Why aren't you guys dressed? Joey Tribbiani: We have a half hour. Ross Geller: No, four minutes ago you had a half hour, we have to be out the door at twenty to eight. Joey Tribbiani: Relax Ross, we'll be ready. It only takes us two minutes to get dressed. Ross Geller: Well, you know, I'd feel a whole lot better if you got dressed now. Rachel Green: Hey-hey! Oh, look at you, all sexy. Ross Geller: Really. Rachel Green: Ooooh! Wow!! Oh, hi. Ross Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: How come you didn't come over earlier? Ross Geller: 'Cause, I'm a stupid, stupid man. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Ross, want some cider? Ross Geller: No. So, um, let's see your pretty close, huh. Make-up's on, hair's done. Rachel Green: Yeah, I just have to get dressed. Ross Geller: Yay! And that takes what? Just six or seven minutes. Rachel Green: Yeah! Once, I figure out what I'm wearing. Joey Tribbiani: Glass of fat? Joey Tribbiani: What's a matter Ross? What you're nervous about your speech? Ross Geller: No! Do you wanna hear it? Joey Tribbiani: Am I in it? Ross Geller: Uh, huh. Yeah, right after I thank everyone for giving money to the museum, I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey. Phoebe Buffay: Hello. Ross Geller: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Whoa! Ross Geller: Wow, hello! You look great! Phoebe Buffay: Thank you! I know, though. Ross Geller: You see this, this is a person who is ready to go. Phoebe you, oh, you are my star. Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, well, you're my lucky penny. Chandler Bing: All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men. Get up. Joey Tribbiani: What? Chandler Bing: You're in my seat. Joey Tribbiani: How is this your seat? Chandler Bing: 'Cause I was sitting there. Joey Tribbiani: But then you left. Chandler Bing: Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom, you knew I was coming back. Joey Tribbiani: What's the big deal, sit somewhere else. Chandler Bing: The big deal is I was sitting there last, so, that's my seat. Joey Tribbiani: Well, actually the last place you were sitting was in there . Soo... Ross Geller: You guys, you know what, you know what, it doesn't matter, because you both have to go get dressed before the big vain in my head pops. So.. Chandler Bing: All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing, really quickly, it's not a big deal. GET UP!! Monica Geller: Hi. Everyone: Hey. Monica Geller: Ooh, Phoebe, you look great! Phoebe Buffay: All right all ready. Monica Geller: Ooh, are you gonna do magic? Ross Geller: That's, that's funny. Change! Monica Geller: Hang on a second I just got in. Ross Geller: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late. Phoebe Buffay: We could not, would not want to wait. Ross Geller: Look, our table is down in front, okay, my boss is gonna be there, everyone will see if we arrive after it starts. Monica Geller: Has somebody been drinking my fat? Rachel Green: You guys, does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear? Phoebe Buffay: I don't know, you might be the first one. Monica Geller: Rach, did you check the machine? Rachel Green: Uh, no. Wait, you know what, this is the outfit that makes my calves look fat. Nevermind. Chandler Bing: Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It's called Get Up. Joey Tribbiani: All right! You can have the chair. Chandler Bing: Really! Joey Tribbiani: Oh my, would you look at that! Phoebe Buffay: "Hi, it's me, I'm coming over now. Hey, what if I'm already there when your playing this message?" Is that too spooky? Ross Geller: "Hi Rach, are you there? It's me, pick up. Rachel. Rach!" Rachel Green: What?! Ross Geller: Nevermind. Richard Burke: "Monica, it's Richard. Call me." Monica Geller: Is-is-is that message old or new? Old or new?! Old or new?! Ross Geller: It's old, it's definitely old. Didn't you hear the, the double beep? Monica Geller: What if it's new? I mean, we agreed not to talk again, unless we had something really important to say. Shouldn't I call him back? Chandler Bing: Honey, you did call him back. 'Cause, it's, it's really old. Ross Geller: Yeah, see Mon, listen, listen. When Carol and I broke up, I went through the same thing. And you know what I did? Monica Geller: Huh? Ross Geller: I...got...dressed. Really, really quickly. Okay, okay. There we go, there we go. Chandler Bing: You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up, you just sit right there. I just hope, you don't mind, you know, my hand right here. Op, not touching, can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! Phoebe Buffay: Ah! Oh my God! You r-r-rotten boys! Joey Tribbiani: I'm so sorry. Phoebe Buffay: What am I gonna do? Ross Geller: No, no, don't, don't, rub it! Don't! What gets out hummus?! What gets out hummus?! Phoebe Buffay: Monica, Monica, you know what gets out hummus. Monica Geller: If it is a new message, what is he calling to say? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, thanks. Yeah, I'll try that. Chandler Bing: Maybe he's calling to say your obsessive and crazy. Monica Geller: So, should I call him back? The Guys: Noo! NO! Chandler Bing: All right, fine, you know what, we'll both sit in the chair. I'm soooo, comfortable. Joey Tribbiani: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable. Chandler Bing: All right! Ross Geller: Okay, look, we have nineteen minutes. Okay, Chandler, I want you to go and change! Okay. And then, when you come back, Joey will go change, and he'll have vacated the chair. Okay. Okay. Chandler Bing: All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's...sitting in a chair! Rachel Green: Is this a little too... Pheebs, what happened? Phoebe Buffay: Hummus. I got the hummus. Rachel Green: Ooooh! Honey, well we'll find you something. Do you wanna wear my black jacket? Phoebe Buffay: That won't go with this dress though. Rachel Green: No, you're right. Well, we'll find something. Let's just get you out of that. Come on. Ross Geller: No, no, no, no, no, no, not out of that, not out of clothes. Rachel Green: Monica, can Phoebe borrow your green dress? Monica Geller: I called him. Everyone: Nooo. Monica Geller: Yes. Well I got his machine and I left a message. But it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, because you know it was like a casual, breezy message. It was breezy! Oh God, what if it wasn't breezy? Phoebe Buffay: Well, how could it not be breezy, no, 'cause, you're, you're in such a breezy place. Monica Geller: Here, I got it. I'll will play my message for you guys, and you can tell me if it's breezy enough. Joey Tribbiani: Monica, how are you gonna do that? Monica Geller: I know the code to his answering machine. Ross Geller: Okay, Mon, I really don't think this is the... Okay, you're dialing, you are dialing. Richard Burke: "Hi, this is Richard. Please, leave a message at the tone." Machine: "You have two new messages." Joey Tribbiani: Wow, what a cool job. 'You have two new messages.' 'Please, pass the pie.' Monica Geller: "Hi, it's Monica. I'm just checking in 'cause I got this message from you and I didn't know if it was old or new or what. So, I'm just checkin'. So let me know, or don't, whatever. I'm breezy." Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you can't say you're breezy, that, that totally negates the breezy. Woman's Voice: Hola, it's me, yesterday was really fun. Call me about this weekend, okay. Joey Tribbiani: Now she sounded breezy. Monica Geller: He's seeing someone. I can't believe he's seeing someone. Phoebe Buffay: Monica, you don't know that. Monica Geller: Well, who's voice was that? Chandler Bing: Maybe it was his sister's. You know, maybe it was his daughter's. Monica Geller: Michelle! Of course, it was Michelle! Did it sound like Michelle? Ross Geller: Oh, great. It's starting to rain, that will make it easy to get a cab. Monica Geller: It was Michelle. It was definitely Michelle. Rachel Green: Pheebs, you go with Monica and try on her green dress. If that doesn't work, you can wear my gray silk one. Oh, gosh, what am I wearing?! Ross Geller: You don't, you don't know what your wearing? Rachel Green: Well, hon-ey. I'm just trying to look nice for your big night. Ross Geller: Yeah, which, which we have to leave for in exactly twelve minutes. All right, come on, I'll just pick something out for you. Chandler Bing: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!" Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Chandler Bing: What are you doing? Joey Tribbiani: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions. Chandler Bing: The cushions are the essence of the chair! Joey Tribbiani: That's right! I'm taking the essence. Chandler Bing: Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room. Ross Geller: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty. Rachel Green: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep. Ross Geller: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep. Rachel Green: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days. Phoebe Buffay: Oh Rach, good, listen isn't this perfect for me! Rachel Green: Oh, it's perfect! But not for tonight. Phoebe Buffay: Well, of course not for tonight. Yeah, hi! Ross Geller: Not for tonight. Not for tonight! Wh-what, what, what, are you doing? Rachel Green: No honey, we're sorry, we didn't mean it. I love you. I love you. Chandler Bing: We used them as pillows when we went camping. Ross Geller: What? Chandler Bing: The sheep. Ross Geller: Hey, what you do on your own time... Joey Tribbiani: Where's my underwear?! Ross Geller: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what. You took his underwear? Chandler Bing: He took my essence! Ross Geller: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now? Joey Tribbiani: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now. Ross Geller: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight? Joey Tribbiani: It's a rented tux. Okay. I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues. Chandler Bing: Well, then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give back somebody his cushions. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm gonna do the exact opposite to you. Chandler Bing: What are you, what are you gonna show me my clothes? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, opposite, is opposite! Chandler Bing: He's got nothing! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I'm ready. Phoebe Buffay: Rachel, didn't have anything that I liked, so, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, 'All right, fine I'll be political.' Chandler Bing: What are you supporting? Phoebe Buffay: Duh!! Christmas! Ross Geller: Okay, hey, that's okay with me. Two down and I have exactly twelve minutes... Wha, my watch stopped. My watch. Okay, see, the, the dinosaur tail isn't going around any more. What time is it? It's 7:33, I have seven minutes. I have seven minutes!! Rachel Green: Okay, Pheebs, quick, what shoes should I wear? The black or the purple? Ross Geller: Just, just, just pick one! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, okay, okay, the black. But, oh, do you have black, with the little strappys? Rachel Green: Yeahh, but, but those really go better with pants. Maybe I should wear pants? Ross Geller: Yeah, pants, what, what an idea. Or better yet, um, how 'bout you go without any pants. Look, I don't know what you're trying to do to me, but just get your butt in there and pick out any shoes that fit your feet, okay. No, no I don't care if they match. I don't care if they make your ankles or your knees or your earlobes look fat. Okay. Rachel Green: But I... Ross Geller: No, no, no just do it. Go in there and pick something out so we can go. Rachel Green: All right. Ross Geller: Thank you! Monica Geller: Okay. I gotta call Michelle. I gotta see if that was her voice or not. I'm sorry, I just have to. Ross Geller: It was, it was her voice. Chandler Bing: Monica, I think you've gone over to the bad place. Michelle Burke: Hola! Hello. Hello? Monica Geller: Okay. That was her right? Phoebe Buffay: Definitely. Monica Geller: See there you go. Woo! We're out of the woods. Okay, I'll get dressed now. Ross Geller: Yay! Phoebe Buffay: I'll get it, okay. Hi, Monica and Rachel's. Yeah, just a second, can I ask who's calling. Oh, ew, it's Michelle! Ew! She, she must have that Caller Id thing. You should get that. Monica Geller: Uh, Michelle. Yeah, that was me, I-I dialed your number by mistake. Oh, you're so sweet. Yeah, we were a great couple. I know I really miss him. Well, you know how it is, it's that... Chandler Bing: You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about? Monica Geller: Michelle, I only beeped in so I could hear my message. I mean that's allowed. Yeah-huh! I mean look, yeah, you know what I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell your Dad about. What do you mean, you're not comfortable with this? Come on we're friends!! That bitch always hated me. I'm calling her back. Ross Geller: No, no, no, no. Tick, tick, tick, tick. Monica Geller: Okay, fine. Chandler Bing: They got a phone in there, right? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, we're on it. We're on it. Ross Geller: Um. I know it says black tie optional, but, um this may be pushing it a little, um. Rachel Green: I'm not gonna gooo. Ross Geller: You're not going to go. Rachel Green: No, I think I'm gonna catch up on my correspondence. Ross Geller: How, how, um how can you not be going? Rachel Green: I'm not gonna gooo, so I think that will accomplish the not going. Ross Geller: Um, you know, just out of curiosity... Rachel Green: Well, ever since I was humiliated and yelled at in front of my friends, I'm just, I don't know, not in a museum benefitty kind of mood. Ross Geller: Right. Right, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled. Rachel Green: It's fine. Ross Geller: No, but, your-your mad. Rachel Green: I'm not mad. Ross Geller: No. Rachel Green: I'm just not going. Ross Geller: Your not going. Rachel Green: Right. Ross Geller: Okay. You know that I-I have to go. Rachel Green: Um, hum. Ross Geller: Right. So is it gonna be like 'I'm abandoning you while your upset.' Rachel Green: No. Ross Geller: No, because your not upset. Rachel Green: Right. Ross Geller: About the yelling. Rachel Green: Right, and the humiliating. Ross Geller: Oh, well of course, the humiliating. So, so wee, we're okay. Rachel Green: Um, hum. Ross Geller: We're good. Rachel Green: Right. Ross Geller: Okay. Honey? Rachel Green: Yes, Ross. Ross Geller: I love you. Phoebe Buffay: Get away from that! No! She's just getting dressed. Chandler Bing: Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that? Joey Tribbiani: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own. Chandler Bing: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!! Joey Tribbiani: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando... Chandler Bing: Oooo-ooh! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. Ross Geller: Okay, okay. Enough, enough with the lunging. No! I'm sick of this. Okay. I've had it up to here with you two! Neither you can come to the party! Chandler Bing: Jeez, what a baby. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, Ross, way to ruin it. I was just going to get dressed. Ross Geller: You know what I don't care. The only person I cared about getting dressed, is the one person that says she's not even gonna go. Look Rach, I'm sorry. Okay. Look, I-I wa, I was a jerk. I'm sorry I yelled. I want you there, I need you there. Look, what, what can I do that can show you how much, how much I want you to be there. Joey Tribbiani: You could drink the fat. Ross Geller: Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation. Rachel Green: No, no, no, now wait, wa, wa, waa-it a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That actually, uh, that sounds interesting. Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: I think you should drink the fat. Joey Tribbiani: Yaaaay! Ross Geller: Okay, okay. If that is what it takes to show you how much you mean to me, and how much I want you there. Then that's what I'll do. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, wait, let me get you another glass. That's been sitting out. Ross Geller: I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla milkshake, just a vanilla milkshake, with chicken bits floating in it. Cheers. Rachel Green: No, no, no, wait! Okay, okay. Don't! I'll go, I'll go! Ross Geller: You will?! Rachel Green: You were really gonna do that, weren't you? Ross Geller: Well, yeah. Rachel Green: You were gonna drink the fat. Joey Tribbiani: Let's see what else he'll do! Ross Geller: How 'bout instead you, go get changed! You, give him back his underwear! I'm gonna go get a cab, and I want everyone down stairs in two minutes! Monica! Chandler Bing: Stop it. Stop it! Phoebe Buffay: Ross, went to get a cab so we can all... No, wh-what are you doing! No, Monica, no! Richard Burke: Hi, this is Richard. Machine: You have three new messages. Monica Geller: Not any more! Machine: Message erased. To record a message begin speaking at the tone. Monica Geller: Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know. Um, anyway, I, I, I beeped into your machine and I heard a message that, that freaked me out, and um, you know what Michelle will tell you the rest. I, I, um, I'm sorry, okay, I, I hope that we can forget the whole thing. Okay, bye. Machine: Your outgoing message has now been changed. Monica Geller: Outgoing! Did that say outgoing?! Not, outgoing!!! Monica Geller: "Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know." Nooo!! Phoebe Buffay: How did you do that? Monica Geller: I don't know! Machine: Good-bye. Monica Geller: Noooo!!!! Ross Geller: Okay, okay, okay, I've got two cabs and no people. Go! Go! Go! Monica Geller: Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe they could change the message. Maybe they can change his number. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that himself. Ross Geller: Rachel!! Wow! You, uh, you look, wow! Rachel Green: And I still have about five seconds to spare. Okay, that was about seven seconds. Ross Geller: So we're a little late. Rachel Green: Come on. Oh! And, uh, by the way... Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: I'm going commando, too. Ross Geller: Awwww!!! Sherman Whitfield: Dr. Geller, Sherman Whitfield, London Institute. Ross Geller: Wow! What a pleasure. Sherman Whitfield: Well, I have to tell you, I was quite impressed with your paper on Pre-Cretaceous fossils. Yeah, it confirmed everything that I have written. Chandler Bing: Excuse me. Hi. Sherman Whitfield: Yes? Chandler Bing: Well, your kind of sitting in my seat. Sherman Whitfield: What do you mean, your seat? Chandler Bing: I mean, I was sitting there. Sherman Whitfield: But, you got up! Chandler Bing: But, I never left the room! Sherman Whitfield: But, you left the chair area. Chandler Bing: All right, that's it, give me your underwear.
Joey Tribbiani: WHOAA!! Chandler Bing: See Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed. Monica Geller: Hey, look at me. I'm making jam, been at it since 4 o'clock this morning. Ross Geller: Where'd you get fruit at four in the morning? Monica Geller: Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't know you could get it wholesale. Rachel Green: I didn't know there were docks. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Chandler Bing: Hey. Ross Geller: Aww, is it broken? Joey Tribbiani: No, I gotta wear this thing for a couple weeks. Rachel Green: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed? Joey Tribbiani: Nooo. I had a story all worked out but then Chandler sold me out. Chandler Bing: Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the socket. Joey Tribbiani: What is this? Fruit? Rachel Green: Monica's making jam. Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, jam! I love jam! Hey, how come we never have jam at our place? Chandler Bing: Because the kids need new shoes. Monica Geller: I'm going into business people. I'm sick and tired of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. What's the opposite of man? Jam. Oh Joey don't! It's way to hot. Joey Tribbiani: This will just be my batch. Phoebe Buffay: Um, that's it. No. Hey! You! J. Crew guy. Yeah. Why have you been following me? I mean, all week long everywhere I look there's you. Guy: You wouldn't return my calls, you sent back my letters... Phoebe Buffay: What? Guy: One more chance Ursula, please? Phoebe Buffay: Oooh. Oh, well this is awkward. Guy: Wh.. Phoebe Buffay: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously. Guy: Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you're not a dingus. Guy: I just, I want you to know I didn't used to be like this. Before I meet your sister I was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular phones. Phoebe Buffay: Well, I mean look it's, it's not your fault, you know. I mean this is just what, what she does to guys, okay. Guy: Well thanks. Phoebe Buffay: Wait, you know what, I got a little story. When I was in Junior High School I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there was this guidance counselor who said something to me, that I think will help you a lot. He said okay, 'you're not a witch you're just an average student.' See what I'm saying? Guy: Not really. Phoebe Buffay: Um, well, get over it. So, I mean you, you just seem to be a really nice guy, you know. Don't be so hard on yourself okay. Guy: Wait. You're right. I know you're right. And, thanks for being so nice. Here Phoebe Buffay: Oh, thanks a lot. Do you want to get a cup of coffee? Guy: Yeah, okay. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Okay, you don't have to walk behind me any more. Guy: Sorry. Rachel Green: Mon? Ross Geller: Mon? Rachel Green: 'Gone for more jars. Back later. Monica Geller.' Ross Geller: Wait a minute, look. Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: Look, look, look. Rachel Green: What, what, what? Ross Geller: It's an empty apartment. Rachel Green: Oooh. Ross Geller: We're all alone in an empty apartment. Rachel Green: Honey, come on, I have to be at work in like ten minutes Oh, all right, well it's not like I'm employee of the year or anything. Ross Geller: There it is. Rachel Green: Oh, oh, that's what you're talking about. Hey. Ross Geller: Hey. Chandler Bing: Do I look fat? Chandler Bing: Okay, I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow. Rachel Green: Okay, walk us through it, honey, walk us through it. Chandler Bing: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her... Ross Geller: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You never look. You just answer, it's just a reflex. Do I look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo! Does size matter? Rachel Green: Nooo! Ross Geller: And it works both ways. Chandler Bing: Okay, so you both just know this stuff? Rachel Green: Well you know, after about thirty or forty fights, you kinda catch on. Ross Geller: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home from the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at baggage claim. Which do you do? Chandler Bing: That's easy, baggage claim. Ross Geller: Wrong! Now you're single. It's actually secret option number three, you meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her. Chandler Bing: Okay, this is good, this is good. All right listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you know when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how do I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something. Rachel Green: Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you there, 'cause we're cuddlily sleepers. Okay, I'm late for work. Ross Geller: Oh. Rachel Green: All right are you guys gonna come down? Ross Geller: Uh, yeah, yeah I'll, I'm right behind you. Rachel Green: Good luck Chandler. Chandler Bing: Thank you Rachel. Ross Geller: Bye sweetie. Rachel Green: Bye hon. Ross Geller: Okay the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do. Chandler Bing: Well, I thought you guys were cuddlily sleepers. Ross Geller: Noo! No, not cuddlily, not me, just her. I'm like you, I need the room. Okay, come here. Okay, you're in bed... Chandler Bing: Yeah. Ross Geller: I'm gonna use the cushion. Chandler Bing: Yeah. Ross Geller: Okay, you're in bed. She's over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her and roll her back over to her side of the bed. And then you rollll a-way. Hug for her! Roll for you. Chandler Bing: Okay, the old hug and roll. Ross Geller: Yep. Chandler Bing: Okay, one question. Ross Geller: Shoot. Chandler Bing: You're pretending the pillow's a girl right? Joey Tribbiani: Remember when you where a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon? Rachel Green: You're so pretty. Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Everyone: Hey, Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, oh, you know that guy who's been following me? I talked to him today. Joey Tribbiani: You talked to him. Are you crazy? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second, say it don't spray it. Anyway his name is Malcom, and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but 'cause he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. 'Cause of the restraining order. Chandler Bing: Umm, not feeling better 'bout Malcom. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh! No, no, no, no, he's not like a kook, no. He's just like this, this very passionate, incredibly romantic guy, that got like a tinsy bit carried away, you know. And we just get along really well, and he's so cute. Ross Geller: Oh my God, you've got a crush on your sister's stalker. Phoebe Buffay: No, I'm just gonna help him, you know, get 'de-Ursula-ized', like you know, like I did for Joey after he went out with her. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I didn't stalk her. I mean Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I asked for the news, not the weather. Monica Geller: Hey guys. Everyone: Hey Mon. Monica Geller: Joey, this is for you. It's blackberry curin. Joey Tribbiani: Aww. Ohh! Chandler Bing: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked , or, or a big tub of jam. Joey Tribbiani: Put your hands together. Monica Geller: Joey, take your time with that. That's my last batch. Joey Tribbiani: No more jam?! Rachel Green: Well, what happened to your jam plan? Monica Geller: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now. Babies. Chandler Bing: Well, your gonna need much bigger jars. Ross Geller: What are you talking about? Monica Geller: I'm talking about me having a baby. Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: Are you serious? Monica Geller: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan. Ross Geller: Well, aren't you forgetin' something? What, what, what is uh, what is that guy's name? Dad! Monica Geller: It took me 28 years to find one man that I wanna spend my life with, if I have to wait another 28 years then, I'll be 56 before I can have a baby, and that's just stupid. Chandler Bing: That, that's what's stupid. Monica Geller: I don't need an actual man, just a couple of his best swimmers. And there, there are places you can go to get that stuff. Rachel Green: Down at the docks again? Janice Litman Goralnik: Night-night Bing-a-ling. Chandler Bing: Night-night...Janice. 'Look at all that room on her side, you good fit a giant penguin over there. That would be weird though. Okay, hug and roll time. I'm huggin', I'm huggin', your rollin', and...yes! Freedom! Except for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm! Okay, time for the old table cloth trick, one fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick like a cat! And 1...2...3!' Malcom: Here's my binoculars. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, great. Great. You're doing great, you know real strong. Going strong. Keep going. Malcom: These are my night vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park. And these are Mad Lips, they're just for fun. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah. What's this? Malcom: Oh, this is log I kept, recording her every movement. Do you wanna here something from it? Phoebe Buffay: Um, not even a little bit. Malcom: It's about you. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay then. Malcom: I met Phoebe today. She was really nice to me eventhough I'm such a loser. And, then when I was walking home I thought about her a lot, it was weird, but kinda cool. Phoebe Buffay: Good. So what were you thinking? Malcom: I was thinking what it would be like to kiss you. Phoebe Buffay: Really? Malcom: No. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Malcom: See that's just something I said now, so that maybe I could kiss you. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay. Chandler Bing: No, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard. Monica Geller: Okay, sperm donor number 03815, come on down! Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis. Chandler Bing: You mean there's more than one of us. Ross Geller: Look, you can't do this Mon. All right, if you do this, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm, I'm gonna... Monica Geller: You're gonna what? Ross Geller: I'm gonna tell Mom. Rachel Green: Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right. I love you, but you're crazy. Ross Geller: Crazy. Monica Geller: What?! Why? Why is this crazy? So this isn't the ideal way to something... Ross Geller: Oh, it's not the ideal way... Monica Geller: Lips moving, still talking. I mean it may not be ideal, but I'm so ready. No, I-I-I see the way Ben looks at you. It makes me ache, you know? Joey Tribbiani: Check it out!! Jam crackers! Monica Geller: Okay, all right, how's this? 27. Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only...boy. Oh my God, under personal comments 'New York Knicks, rule!' Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, the Knicks rule! Monica Geller: Joey, this is you! Joey Tribbiani: Let me see. Oh, right. Rachel Green: When did you go to a sperm bank? Joey Tribbiani: Well, right after I did that sex study down at NYU. Hey, Remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday? Chandler Bing: And that's how you bought it? Joey Tribbiani: Noooo, that's what I was wearing when I donated. I'm kinda surprised there's any of my boys left. Monica Geller: Well, honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean I've got an actual rocket scientist here. Joey Tribbiani: Maybe, I should call this place and get them to put my 'Days of Our Lives' on here. You know, juice this puppy up a little. Phoebe Buffay: Hellooo! Everyone: Hey. Ross Geller: How's the maniac? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well he's yummy. We did a little kissin'. Rachel Green: Phoebe, what are you doing? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, no, no, no, no. You know what, he's not into that stuff anymore. He quit for me. Rachel Green: Pheebs, this guy has been obsessed with your sister, for God knows how long, okay, you don't just give up something like that. Phoebe Buffay: Look, he gave me his night vision goggles and everything. Ross Geller: You're taking the word of a guy who has night vision goggles? Phoebe Buffay: What, he's not still following her. Do you think he is still following her? Chandler Bing: Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order. Phoebe Buffay: What are you saying I should do? Monica Geller: I think, that if you really like this guy, you should just trust him. Phoebe Buffay: Thank you, Monica. Joey Tribbiani: Orrr, you could follow him and see where he goes. Monica Geller: Oh, that's what I would do, forget mine. Rachel Green: Oh my God, what happened? Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun me...off...the...bed! Rachel Green: Wow! Spinning that sounds like fun. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, I wish. No, you know he was just trying Ross's Hug and Roll thing. Rachel Green: Ross's what? Janice Litman Goralnik: You know what, where he hugs you and kinda rolls you away and... Oh... my...God. Malcom: Phoebe? Phoebe Buffay: Yes? Yes! Oh. Malcom: What are you doing? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I was just here looking for, um, my um, my part of an old sandwich. Oh, here it is! Oh. Malcom: Were you following me? Phoebe Buffay: Um, perhaps. Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was just afraid that you were still hung up on my sister. Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me. Phoebe Buffay: Oh well, what do you know, there goes my identical twin sister. Just walkin' along looking like me. What, is this just like a freakish coincidence, or did you know she takes this train? Malcom: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. I'm so pathetic. Phoebe Buffay: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, 'cause your, you know Wow! But um, but I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch. Malcom: Uh-huh, I don't know. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, just, okay, look I'm going. Um, come on. Op, op, behind the pillar, which way am I gonna go? Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Monica Geller: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Where you going? Monica Geller: To the bank. Joey Tribbiani: Sperm or regular? Monica Geller: Sperm. Joey Tribbiani: So you're really doing this, huh? Monica Geller: Oh yeah, picked a guy, 37135. Joey Tribbiani: Sounds nice. Monica Geller: 'Fraid so. Brown hair, green eyes... Joey Tribbiani: No kiddin', hmm. Monica Geller: What? Joey Tribbiani: No, I-I figured you would've picked a blond guy. Monica Geller: Really? Why? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know, I just always pictured you ending up with one of those tall, smart blond guys, name like... Hoyt. Monica Geller: Hoyt? Joey Tribbiani: It's a name, yeah. I saw you, you know, in this great house with a big pool. Monica Geller: Really, is he a swimmer? Joey Tribbiani: He's got the body for it. Monica Geller: I like that. What? Joey Tribbiani: You guys have one of those signs that says 'We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool.', you know. Monica Geller: We do not have one of those signs. Joey Tribbiani: Sure you do, it was a gift from me. Oh! And you have these three great kids. Monica Geller: Two girls and a boy? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Monica Geller: And, and, and they wear those little water wings, you know. And they're, they're running around on the deck. Then Hoyt wraps this big towel around all three of them. Joey Tribbiani: Sure! But hey, you know this way sounds good too. Monica Geller: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Oh Monica. Wow, this guy's an astronaut. That would've been cool, for like a day. . Joey Tribbiani: I called the sperm bank today, they haven't sold a single unit of Tribianni. Nobody wants my product. I mean, I-I-I don't get it Maybe if they met me in person. Rachel Green: Honey, you got a little thing on your... Joey Tribbiani: Did I get it? Rachel Green: Yeah. Ross Geller: Hello. Rachel Green: Hello. Ross Geller: Hey. Uh, Chan, can I uh, can I talk to you for a second? Chandler Bing: Sure. What's up? Ross Geller: Just one uh, one additional relationship thought. Probably something your already familiar with, uh, women talk!
Host: Welcome everybody, welcome to Amazing Discoveries! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, oh! It's on again! Joey Tribbiani: You guys, can we please not watch this all right. Everyone: Shhhh! Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you said it Mike. Aw! There's got to be a better way! Mike: And there is Kevin. Joey Tribbiani: Can we please turn this off? Rachel Green: Noo way, Kevin. Mike: There is a revolutionary new product that guarantees that you'll never have to open up milk cartons again. Meet the Milk Master 2000. Ross Geller: Are you intrigued? Chandler Bing: You're flingin'-flangin' right I am! Mike: Keep in mind, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. Go ahead. This works with any milk carton. Joey Tribbiani: Wow, it is easy. Now, I can have milk everyday. Chandler Bing: Well, it's official there are no good movies. Janice Litman Goralnik: Well, let's go to a bad one and make out. Monica Geller: Perhaps, you would like me to turn like this, so that you can bunny bump against my back. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Chandler Bing: Hey, man. What's up? Joey Tribbiani: Maybe you can tell me. My agent would like to know why I didn't show up at the audition I didn't know I had today. The first good thing she gets me in weeks. How could you not give me the message?! Chandler Bing: Well, I'll tell ya I do enjoy guilt, but, ah, it wasn't me. Phoebe Buffay: Yes, it was! It was him! Uh huh! Okay, it was me! Joey Tribbiani: How is it you? Phoebe Buffay: Well, it was just, it was all so crazy, you know. I mean, Chandler was in the closet, counting to 10, and he was up to 7 and I hadn't found a place to hide yet. I-I-I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand. See, all of it. Joey Tribbiani: Yep, that's my audition. Monica Geller: See, now this is why I keep notepads everywhere. Phoebe Buffay: Yep, and that's why we don't invite you to play. Janice Litman Goralnik: What is the great tragedy here? You go get yourself another appointment. Joey Tribbiani: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance. Phoebe Buffay: That is unfair. I'll call her and tell her it was totally my fault. Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to agents. Phoebe Buffay: What a sad little life she must lead. Okay, ooh . Joey Tribbiani: What, what are you doing? What are you doing? Phoebe Buffay: No, no, no, I know, I know, ooh. 'Hi, this is Katelynn, from Phoebe Buffay's office. Um, is um, Ann there for Phoebe, she'll know what it's about.' Joey Tribbiani: Hang up, hang up. Phoebe Buffay: 'Annie! Hi. Listen we got a problem with Joey Tribbiani, apparently he missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? Estelle, no, I don't know what I'm going to do with her. No. All right, so your husband leaves and burns down the apartment, the world does not stop.' Chandler Bing: Is anybody else scared? Phoebe Buffay: 'Right, well look, um, if Joey loses this audition, that is it for Estelle. I don't care! Annie you are a doll, what time can you see him?' I need a pen. Chandler Bing: Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad! Monica Geller: Oh, now you want a pad. Ross Geller: There's my boy! Here's my boy! And here's his Barbi What's ah, what's my boy doing with a Barbi? Carol Willick: He picked it out of the toy store himself, he loves it. Susan Bunch: He carries it everywhere, it's like a security blanket, but with ski boots and a kicky beret. Ross Geller: Yeah, it's, it's, it's cute. Why, why, why does he have it, again? Susan Bunch: So he's got a doll? So what? Unless you're afraid he's gonna grow up and be in show business. Carol Willick: This doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he is being raised by two women, does it? Ross Geller: You know what it's fine. If you're okay with the Barbi thing, so am I. Ross Geller: Give daddy the Barbi! Ben, give, give me the Barbi. Okay, how 'bout, don't you want to play with the monster truck? No. Okay, oh, oh, how about a Dino-soilder? Rachel Green: Ross, you are so pathetic. Why can't your son just play with his doll? Monica Geller: I gotta go to work. Has anybody seen my left boob? Joey Tribbiani: I love that movie. Monica Geller: There it is. Joey, what are you doing? Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry, it just felt nice. Chandler Bing: Joe. Joe! Answer the phone. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I only got one good arm, you know. You should be doing stuff for me. Go get me a sweater. Chandler Bing: Just do it! Okay, it's Janice and if I get it I'm going to have to see her tonight. Oh, that's great I'm gonna have to see her tonight. Rachel Green: What's the big deal? Why don't you wanna see Janice? Chandler Bing: Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and took my tomatoes. Ross Geller: And that's bad because..., you hate chicken piccata? Chandler Bing: Noo. Ross Geller: You didn't want to share your tomatoes, tomatoes are very important to you. Chandler Bing: No, it's like all of the sudden, we were this couple. And this alarm started going off in my head 'Run for your life! Get out of the building!' Rachel Green: Men are unbelievable. Monica Geller: What is it with you people! I mean, the minute you start to feel something, you have to run away? Chandler Bing: I know, that, that's why I don't want to go tonight, I'm afraid I'm going to say something stupid. Monica Geller: Oh, you mean like that guy thing where you act mean and distant until you get us to break up with you. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you know about that?! Chandler Bing: Look what do I do? I wanna get past this, I don't wanna be afraid of the commitment thing. I wanna go through the tunnel, to the other side! Ross Geller: Where there is no fear of commitment. Chandler Bing: Do we have any... Do we have any thoughts here? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I've never been through the tunnel myself, 'cause as I understand it, you're not allowed to go through with more than one girl in the car, right. But, it seems to me it's pretty much like anything else, you know, face your fear. It have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building! If you're afraid of bugs...get a bug. Right. In this case, you have a fear of commitment, so I say you go in there and be the most committed guy there ever was. Rachel Green: Amazingly, that makes sense. Chandler Bing: You think? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind! Chandler Bing: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's your audition from this morning. Can I use the phone again? Rachel Green: Sure Pheebs, you know, that's what it's there for, emergencies and pretend agents. Joey Tribbiani: Come on baby, come on! Phoebe Buffay: 'Hi, I have Phoebe Buffay returning a page. Okay, well, um, she's in her car I'll have to patch you through.' Rachel Green: Very nice touch. Phoebe Buffay: 'Okay, go ahead.' Um, hi Annie. Fantastic! You got it. Oh, okay, um, 'Will he work for scale?' you ask me. Well, I don't know about that, except that I do and he will. Great, oh you are such a sweetheart. I would love to have lunch with you, how about we have lunch next... Op, went through a tunnel. Rachel Green: Unbelievable. Joey Tribbiani: Thank you so much. Phoebe Buffay: It was really fun, I mean I've never talked on a car phone before. Joey Tribbiani: You were amazing, could you just do me this huge favor, you see there's this one other audition that I really, really want, and Estelle couldn't get me in. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I don't know. I mean it was fun one time. Joey Tribbiani: Come on, please, it'll be just this one more, well actually it's two. Phoebe Buffay: Two? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Well, well really it's three. Please. You're so good at it. I love you. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I'll do it, but just these three, right Joey Tribbiani: Nooo, four. Janice Litman Goralnik: So, how come you wanted to eat in tonight? Chandler Bing: 'Cause, I wanted to uh, give you this. Janice Litman Goralnik: Ohhh, are you a puppy! Contact paper! I never really know what to say when someone you're sleeping with gives you contact paper. Chandler Bing: Well, wait there's, there's more. See the contact paper is to go into your brand new drawer. See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, you didn't have to do this. Chandler Bing: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because, you're my girlfriend, and that's what girlfriends should, should get. Janice Litman Goralnik: Well, I gotta buy a vowel. Because, oh my Gawd! Who, would've thought that someday, Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer. Chandler Bing: Well, not me. But that's what's happened, and, ah, and, and there's more. We should take a trip. Janice Litman Goralnik: We should? Chandler Bing: Yep, we're a couple and that's what couples do. And, I wanna meet your parents. We should take a trip with your parents! Janice Litman Goralnik: I don't think we need to, because you're tripping me out right now! Are you okay? Chandler Bing: I am, I actually am. I mean this is amazing. My entire life I have feared this place, and now that I'm here it's like what was the big deal. I could probably say 'Let's move in together.' and I'd be okay. Janice Litman Goralnik: You probably want us to move in together? Chandler Bing: It doesn't scare me! Janice Litman Goralnik: Yeah, well, it scares me! I mean I not even divorced yet, Chandler. You know, you just invited me over here for pasta, and all of the sudden you're talking about moving in together. And, and I wasn't even that hungry. You know what, it's getting a little late, and I-I should just, um... Chandler Bing: Oh, no, no, no, don't go! I've scared ya'! I've said too much! I'm hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love!! Hey, Janice! It's me. Um, yeah, I-I-I just wanna apologize in advance for having chased you down the street. Rachel Green: Honey, this will help. Chandler Bing: So, I finally catch up to her and she says this relationship is going to fast and we have to slow down. Monica Geller: That is never good. Chandler Bing: Then I got all needy and clingy. Rachel Green: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Maybe it's not so bad. How did you leave it? Chandler Bing: She said she'd call me. Chandler Bing: Oh God. Monica Geller: Welcome to our side of the tunnel. Chandler Bing: This ice cream tastes like crap by the way. Rachel Green: Yeah, well that's that lo-cal, non dairy, soy milk junk. We sort of, we save the real stuff for those really terminal cases. Monica Geller: You know, when you start get screwed over all the time, you gotta switch to low-fat. Rachel Green: Yeah, you do. Chandler Bing: So, you don't think I'm terminal? Monica Geller: Well, no, not at all, you're not terminal, you just, you just need some damage control. Chandler Bing: Okay, okay. So, should I call her? Rachel Green: This is a very critical time right now. If you feel yourself reaching for that phone, then you go shoe shopping, you get your butt in a bubble bath. You want her back you have to start acting aloof. Monica Geller: She has to know that your not ready. Rachel Green: Right. So, what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her on purpose. And then act aloof. Chandler Bing: So I'm not, not gonna lose her? Rachel Green: Oooh, honey, you're not a total loser. Chandler Bing: I said, 'So I'm not gonna lose her?' Rachel Green: Oh. Ross Geller: Guess who's here. It's the toughest guy in toy land, Ben. 'A real American hero. I'm G.I. Joe!' Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi. Rachel Green: G.I. Joe? Do you really think he's gonna fall for that? Joey Tribbiani: G. I. Joe! Cool! Can I play? Ross Geller: Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas! Phoebe Buffay: Helloo! Oh! Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs! There you are! Phoebe Buffay: No it's not, sorry. Joey Tribbiani: But Phoebe, wait! Wait! Phoebe. Phoebe! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, Joey! Oh, okay, see I didn't recognize you wearing, in those...pants. Joey Tribbiani: Look listen, that TV movie I went in for? Did you hear anything? I think I got a shot at it. Phoebe Buffay: Yes! They called and you didn't get it! Okay, I mean you didn't get it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Joey Tribbiani: It's okay, these things happen. Phoebe Buffay: But they shouldn't happen, you know what, you're, you're in a terrible, terrible business. Oh God, I don't wanna be the person who makes your face look like that. Joey Tribbiani: I'm, I'm okay. See. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, now you're sad and creepy, oh. You know what, I, I'm sorry I quit, okay, I just quit. Joey Tribbiani: No! No, no you can't quit! You're the best agent I ever had! Look Pheebs, rejection is part being an actor, you can't take it personally. Phoebe Buffay: Not personal, really, well they said that they never met an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent. Joey Tribbiani: They actually said that? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Ooh God, there's that face again! See I can't do this job! I... Joey Tribbiani: No, no, no, see that's why you have to do this job, agents always lie. You know, Estelle just says stuff like 'They went another way', but this, I can use this. I canna work on a new accent. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah okay, no if it helps you okay. Yeah. Ross Geller: You'll never get me, Joe!!! Janice Litman Goralnik: No, thank you. Chandler! Chandler Bing: Hello, Janice. Janice Litman Goralnik: What are you doing here? Chandler Bing: Oh, just a bit of shopping. How've you been? Janice Litman Goralnik: Are you being British?! Chandler Bing: No. Not anymore. Janice Litman Goralnik: Why are you shopping here? You don't live in this neighborhood. Were you here waiting for me? Chandler Bing: Yeah, huh. I'm just uh, you know I'm just picking up some things for a party. Janice Litman Goralnik: Barley? What kind of party serves barley? Chandler Bing: Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours. Janice Litman Goralnik: Where is this party? Chandler Bing: Here in Chelsea. Janice Litman Goralnik: Who's party is it? Chandler Bing: A woman's Janice Litman Goralnik: What woman?! Chandler Bing: Chelsea. Janice Litman Goralnik: Okay, you know, one of two things is happening here. Either you're seeing somebody behind my back, which would make you the biggest jerk on the planet. Or, else you're pretending that you're seeing somebody, which just makes you so pathetic that I could start crying right here in the cereal aisle. So like which of these two guys do you want to be? Chandler Bing: Can I be that guy? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so we got some more good rejections, lots of stuff to work on. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, shoot. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial. Joey Tribbiani: I didn't get it? Phoebe Buffay: No. They said you 'Weren't believable as a human being.' So, you can work on that. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, what else? Phoebe Buffay: Um, the off-Broadway play people said 'You were pretty but dumb.' Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Phoebe Buffay: Oh no wait, I'm sorry, that's 'pretty dumb.' Joey Tribbiani: Look, it's okay, no, no, no, really, look um, I really appreciate this Pheebs, but I think I'm gonna have to go back to Estelle. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, well don't get me wrong, you're a better agent than she is, but at least with her I don't want to blow my pretty dumb brains out. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, no, I understand. Joey Tribbiani: You do, thanks. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Sorry. Joey Tribbiani: Wait a minute. Phoebe Buffay: What? Joey Tribbiani: Wait a minute, did you just make up all that stuff just to get out of being my agent. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you caught me. I am so busted. Joey Tribbiani: That's-ah what I suspected-ah. Chandler Bing: ...And then I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her, and ran out of the store. Monica Geller: My God! Chandler, we said be 'aloof' not 'a doof'. Chandler Bing: I've actually ruined this haven't I? It's time for the good ice cream now, right? Rachel Green: Yeah, it is. Monica Geller: You know what, everything's gonna be okay. Chandler Bing: Hello. Hi, Janice! Can you hold on for a second? Okay. Okay, what do I do? Rachel Green: Shhh...I don't know what to do, this is totally unprecedented. Monica Geller: If-if-if we ever did what you did a man would never call. Rachel Green: Yeah. Chandler Bing: Hello! Monica Geller: Oh wait, you know what, I got it, I got it, pretend like you just woke up, okay, that will throw her off. Be sleepy. Rachel Green: Yes, and grumpy. Chandler Bing: What are you, stop naming dwarves! Hello, Janice. Hi, I'm so glad that you called, I know I've been acting a really weird lately. And, it's just because I'm crazy about you, and I just got...stupid, and, and scared, and...stupid a couple of more times. I'm sorry. Really?! Really?! Rachel Green: He's soo lucky, if Janice were a guy, she'd be sleeping with somebody else by now. Chandler Bing: I love you too. Monica Geller: Aw, it's soo unfair. Carol Willick: G. I. Joe. G. I. Joe?! Ross Geller: Hey, I don't know what to tell you guys that's the doll he chose. Susan Bunch: What'd you do, dip it in sugar? Ross Geller: Look, G. I. Joe's in, Barbi's out. And if you guys can't deal with it, that's your 'too bad.' Monica Geller: What are you being such a weenie for? So he has a Barbi, big deal. You used to dress up like a woman. Ross Geller: What? Monica Geller: Well, you used to dress up in Mom's clothes all the time. Ross Geller: What are you talking about? Monica Geller: The big hat, the pearls, the little pick handbag. Ross Geller: Okay, you are totally making this up. Monica Geller: How can you not remember? You made us call you...Bea. Ross Geller: Oh God. Susan Bunch: I've literally never been this happy. Monica Geller: Wasn't there a little song? Carol Willick: Oh please God, let there be a song. Ross Geller: There was no song. There was no song! Monica Geller: 'I am Bea.' Ross Geller: Okay. Monica Geller: 'I drink tea.' Ross Geller: Okay, that's, that's enough. Monica Geller: '...Won't you, won't you, won't you... ' Ross Geller: Won't you dance around with me. Monica Geller: A-ha!!! Ross Geller: 'I am Bea. I drink tea. Won't you dance around with...' Ohhh! Monica Geller: Ross!!!
Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey-hey-hey. So what happened? A forest tick you off? Joey Tribbiani: No. Y'know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail. Chandler Bing: Yeah! Joey Tribbiani: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step. Chandler Bing: You're building a post office? Joey Tribbiani: No, an entertainment unit, with a mail cubby built right in. It's a one day job, max. Chandler Bing: Okay. My word! Those are snug. Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah. These are my old work pants, Sergio Valente's. Joey Tribbiani: Power saw kinda got away from me there. Rachel Green: Hey Pheebs. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Rachel Green: Any sign of your brother? Phoebe Buffay: No, but he's always late. Rachel Green: I thought you only met him once? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I did. I think it sounds y'know big sistery, y'know, 'Frank's always late.' Rachel Green: Well relax, he'll be here. Phoebe Buffay: No, I know, I'm just nervous. Y'know it's just y'know Mom's dead, don't talk to my sister, Grandma's been sleeping a lot lately. It's like the last desperate chance to have a family, y'know, kinda thing. You're so sweet to wait with me. Rachel Green: Well, actually Gunther sent me. You're not allowed to have cups out here, it's a thing. Chandler Bing: Does anyone else think David Copperfield is cute? Monica Geller: No, but he told me, he thinks your a fox. Chandler Bing: All right, Janice, likes him. In fact she likes him so much she put him on her freebie list. Joey Tribbiani: Her what? Chandler Bing: Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can't get mad. Ross Geller: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship. Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities. Monica Geller: So, Chandler, who's on your list? Chandler Bing: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit. Rachel Green: Now, you do realize that she's a cartoon, and way out of your league? Chandler Bing: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Monica, who would yours be? Monica Geller: First, I need a boyfriend, then I can have a list. Joey Tribbiani: It's just a game Mon. Rach, how about you? Rachel Green: Oh, I don't know, I guess, Chris O'Donnel, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting, and Parker Stevenson. Ross Geller: Spiderman? Rachel Green: Hardy Boy. Chandler Bing: Peter Parker. Ross Geller: Thank you. Rachel Green: What about you honey, who would be on your list? Ross Geller: Well I-I-I, that kind of thing requires some serious thought. First, I'll divide my perspective canidates into catergories... Chandler Bing: What a geek! Phoebe Buffay: Everbody this is Frank! This is my half-brother Frank. Everyone: Oh, hi. Phoebe Buffay: This is everybody. This is Ross. Frank Buffay Jr.: How are you? Ross Geller: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Chandler. Chandler Bing: Hi. Frank Buffay Jr.: Hi. Phoebe Buffay: Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey! Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: This is Monica. Frank Buffay Jr.: Whoa! Phoebe Buffay: And this is Rachel. Rachel Green: Hi! Frank Buffay Jr.: Whoa!! Phoebe Buffay: I'm gonna get coffee. Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey, how do you guys get anything done? Chandler Bing: We don't, really. Rachel Green: Well, so, now, do you guys have a lot of big plans? Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah! Yeah, no, we're gonna connect, y'know bond, and everything. Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, I was thinking that maybe we could go down to Time Square and pick up some ninja stars. And, oh, um, my friend Larry, he wants me to take a picture of a hooker. Chandler Bing: You know, we don't really take advantage of living in the city. Joey Tribbiani: I know. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get 'ya? Chandler Bing: No, you didn't get me!! It's an electric drill, you get me, you kill me!! Joey Tribbiani: Calm down, do you want this unit or not? Chandler Bing: I do NOT want this unit!! Joey Tribbiani: Well, you should've told me that before, I'm not a mind reader. Hey, we're out of beer. I'm going to Monica's. Chandler Bing: Fine! Monica Geller: Hey! Where 'ya headin' in those pants? 1982? Joey Tribbiani: Oh Monica, listen, I ah, I saw down at the hardware store, they got those designer tiles on sale. If you ever want to redo the bathroom floor. Monica Geller: Why, what's wrong with my bathroom floor? Joey Tribbiani: Nothing. It's just old and dingy, that's all. Monica Geller: I highly doubt that. Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah. If you ah, move your hamper, you see what color the tile used to be. Yeah. Monica Geller: I can't live like this! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? Joey Tribbiani: Relax. Here hold this . This old stuff just comes right off. Monica Geller: That's a little more than I wanted to see. Joey Tribbiani: Aw! Look at that, every inch of this stuff is glued down. It'd take forever to pry this up. You should ah, you should just leave it. Monica Geller: I can't leave it! You gouged a hole in my dingy floor. Joey Tribbiani: Eh! There you go. Monica Geller: You know that's nice, y'know we could put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, ew! Frank Buffay Jr.: What? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah I know what I wanted to ask you. Um, can you roll your tongue? Because I can, and my Mom couldn't, and I thought y'know, I figured that was something I got from our Dad. Frank Buffay Jr.: What, wait, you mean like this? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, yeah. You can do it to. Frank Buffay Jr.: Your not doing it. Phoebe Buffay: Oh right, yeah okay, my Mom could, and I can't. We don't have that... Frank Buffay Jr.: When's your birthday? Phoebe Buffay: Feburary 16th. Frank Buffay Jr.: I know a guy who's the 18th. Phoebe Buffay: Wow, that's close. When's yours? Frank Buffay Jr.: October 25th. Phoebe Buffay: That's the same month as Halloween. So, um, what kinda things do you like to do at home? Frank Buffay Jr.: Melt stuff. Ross Geller: Okay, I've got three of my five. Rachel Green: Three of your five, what? Ross Geller: Celebrities I'm allowed to sleep with. Rachel Green: Oh my God! You are giving this a lot of thought. Ross Geller: Yeah, it's hard okay, I only have two spots left. Chandler Bing: All right, so who do you got it narrowed down to? Ross Geller: Okay, Elizabeth Hurely... Chandler Bing: Oooh-hoo, very attractive, forgiving. Ross Geller: Susan Sarandon. Chandler Bing: Eh, y'know what, she's to political, she probably wouldn't let you do it, unless you donated four cans of food first. Ross Geller: And!! Isabella Rosselini. Chandler Bing: Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah, y'know she's too international, y'know she's never gonna be around. Rachel Green: So? Chandler Bing: So, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody who's gonna be in the country like all the time. Rachel Green: Yeah, 'cause that's why you won't get Isabella Rosselini, geography. Phoebe Buffay: Okay so, by melting, you meant melting. Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: So is it like art? Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, you can melt art. Hey, can I use your phone? Phoebe Buffay: Um, yeah sure. Why you wanna call your Mom? Frank Buffay Jr.: No, I wanna melt it. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well um, not right now. Y'know I'm just gonna go to bed, I think the fumes are giving me a headache. Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah! Phoebe Buffay: G'night, bro. Frank Buffay Jr.: G'night. Phoebe Buffay: Here. Y'know, just in case. Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, excellent. Monica Geller: What kind of karate is that? Phoebe Buffay: No kind. He just makes it up. Monica Geller: So how's it going with you guys? Phoebe Buffay: So far, it kinda blows. I don't know, I just thought y'know that he'd feel more like a brother y'know, like you and Ross, just like close and connected and... Monica Geller: Oh honey, we're close now but you-you wouldn't believe the years of-of nugies, and wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies, and... That's where the waistband actually goes over your head. Phoebe Buffay: Ah!! Monica Geller: Oh, we used to drive each other crazy playing the shadow game. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, how do you play the shadow game? Monica Geller: Oh, how do you play the shadow game? Phoebe Buffay: I just asked you. Monica Geller: I just asked you. Phoebe Buffay: I don't have time for this. Monica Geller: No, that is what the game is. Phoebe Buffay: Which you just gave up really quickly. Chandler Bing: Have you seen Joey? Monica Geller: What's the matter? Chandler Bing: Oh, just this! Y'know what it's my fault really, because the couch is usually where we keep the varnish. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, does somebody wanna hand me one of those tiles. Chandler Bing: What's going on? Monica Geller: He's retiling my floor. Chandler Bing: Yo!! Spackel boy! Get up! Monica Geller: Ah-ah-ah, now you started this, you will finish it. Chandler Bing: He started mine first! Phoebe Buffay: Build the unit Cinderelly, lay the tile Cinderelly. Frank Buffay Jr.: Whoa! Big octopus. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. 'Hello. Oh my God, I totally forgot! Well can't someone else do it. But, I have company. Yeah, no look, that's all right I'll come in.' Um, Frank, I'm really sorry but I have to go to work. It's-it's one of my regulars and he's insisting that I do 'um. Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey, what kind of work do you do? Phoebe Buffay: Oh! I'm a masseuse. I give people massages and stuff. Frank Buffay Jr.: You-you work at one of those massage parlors? Phoebe Buffay: Well, y'know we don't call it that, but yeah! Frank Buffay Jr.: Wow! That's wild! No, I had no idea. Phoebe Buffay: All righty. I'll be back in-in a little bit. Unless you wanna come with me? Frank Buffay Jr.: You mean like watch? Phoebe Buffay: No, no, you can get one yourself. It'll be on the house! Y'know what are big sisters for? Frank Buffay Jr.: Well, I don't think this, y'know. Phoebe Buffay: No, no, no, I wouldn't do you myself, I mean that would be weird. Yeah, no, I'll get one of the other girls to do it. Oh, this will be so much fun! Hey! Are you excited? Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah! Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there? Monica Geller: It's beautiful! It's like the first bathroom floor there ever was. Whoa! Are you going in there for? Chandler Bing: What, like a number? Ross Geller: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hi! Bye! Ross Geller: Okay, I'm done with my choices, these are final. Rachel Green: Well, it's about time. Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, very official. Ross Geller: Oh, yeah, well y'know Chandler printed it up on his computer. Monica Geller: And who laminated it? Ross Geller: That would be me. Rachel Green: All right let me see. Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurely, Michelle Pfieffer, and Dorothy Hammel? Ross Geller: Hey, it's my list. Rachel Green: Okay honey, you do realize she only spins like that on ice. Frank Buffay Jr.: Ow!-Ow!-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Y'know, ow! Phoebe Buffay: Hey!-Hey! What's going on? Frank Buffay Jr.: She broke my arm. Girl: He touched my fanny. Frank Buffay Jr.: No, she touched mine first! Girl: That's my job! Frank Buffay Jr.: So wait, what's the deal here, I can have sex with you, but I can't touch you? Phoebe Buffay: You can't have sex with her! Girl: What'd you think I was, a hooker? Frank Buffay Jr.: No, your a masseuse, it's cool, I'm not a cop. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, Jasmine, can you, can you ask Mr. Whiffler if he can wait for like five minutes. Jasmine: Fine. I don't like you!! Phoebe Buffay: So that's what you thought I did!! God! That's not what I do! Frank Buffay Jr.: Wait that's-that's, what that's not what you do? Phoebe Buffay: Nooo! Why would you think that? Frank Buffay Jr.: I don't know, I mean, y'know, this is the city y'know, I just, I mean, I don't know. Phoebe Buffay: Whatever, it's the perfect end to the perfect weekend anyways. Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, wait, no your right, no it was perfect and I can't believe that I screwed it up so bad. Phoebe Buffay: You really thought it was perfect? Frank Buffay Jr.: Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn't perfect, but y'know it was pretty cool, y'know, 'cause we had all those great talks y'know. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you? Frank Buffay Jr.: Well y'know about the tongue thing, y'know, and how I told you about my likes and my dislikes... Phoebe Buffay: I don't... Frank Buffay Jr.: How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn't melt. Phoebe Buffay: Right, okay, um-mm. Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, y'know I feel like I can really talk to you 'cause y'know you're my sister, y'know. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I guess I do, yeah. Frank Buffay Jr.: Then I go feel your friend up and make you mad at me. Phoebe Buffay: Well, I-I wasn't hopping mad, y'know. Frank Buffay Jr.: You hopped a little bit. Yeah, I really sorry. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. All right, this is my favourite part of the weekend, right now, this. Frank Buffay Jr.: This? Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh. Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh come on we went, we went to Time Square, we found ninja stars, I almost got arm broken by a hooker... Phoebe Buffay: She wasn't a hooker. Frank Buffay Jr.: Well, when I tell my friends about her she will be. Chandler Bing: Okay, on three. One...Two... Joey Tribbiani: Why don't we just go on two. Chandler Bing: Why two? Joey Tribbiani: Because it's faster. Chandler Bing: Yeah, I coulda counted to three like four times without all this 'two' talk. Rachel Green: Oh! Joey Tribbiani: All right, but in the future... Ross Geller: Okay!! Okay!! Rachel Green: Come on! Ross Geller: Heavy thing, not getting lighter! Chandler Bing: Okay, one...two... Joey Tribbiani: So we are going on two? Everyone: All right!! Chandler Bing: Oh, good job Joe. Joey Tribbiani: Wow, it's big! Chandler Bing: Yeah-yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller! Joey Tribbiani: Maybe, my ruler's wrong. Phoebe Buffay: Maybe all the rulers are wrong. Joey Tribbiani: Look it's not that bad. So what, it blocks a little of your door, a little of my door. Chandler Bing: Yeah, y'know what I got a better idea. How-how 'bout it blocks none of mine door and a lot of yours? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, listen, before I forget that side is still wet. Rachel Green: Okay sir, um-mm, let see if I got this right. Ah, so this is a half-caf, double tall, easy hazel nut, non-fat, no foam, with whip, extra hot latte, right? Okay, great. You freak. Ross Geller: Thank you. Isabella Rosselini: Um, coffee to go, please. Ross Geller: Isabella Rosselini. Monica Geller: Are you serious? Oh my God. Ross Geller: Damn! I can't believe I took her off my list. Monica Geller: Why? 'Cause otherwise you'd go for it? Ross Geller: Yeah, maybe. Rachel Green: Oh-oh, you lie. Ross Geller: What you don't think I'd go up to her? Rachel Green: Ross, it took you ten years to finally admit you liked me. Ross Geller: Yeah, well missy, you better be glad that list is laminated. Rachel Green: You know what honey, you go ahead, we'll call her an alternate. Ross Geller: Okay, hold my crawler. Rachel Green: Okay. Monica Geller: Rach, are you really gonna let him do this? Rachel Green: Honey, he's about to go hit on Isabella Rosselini. I'm just sorry we don't got popcorn. Ross Geller: Hi! Hi, I'm Ross, you don't know me, but I'm a big, big fan of yours. I mean, Blue Velvet, woo-oo hoo! Um, I was wondering if I could um, maybe buy you a cup of coffee? Or maybe reimburse you for that one? Isabella Rosselini: Aren't you with that girl over there? Ross Geller: Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but that's okay, see we have an understanding, um, see we each have this list of five famous people, so I'm allowed to sleep with you. No, no, no, it's flattery. Isabella Rosselini: I'm sorry. Ross Geller: Oh no, no, no, wait, wait, Isabella. Don't, don't just dismiss this so fast. I mean this is a once in a lifetime opportunity... Isabella Rosselini: Yeah, for you. Is that the list? Ross Geller: Um, yeah. Isabella Rosselini: May I see it? Ross Geller: Um, no. Isabella Rosselini: Come on! Ross Geller: But, okay. Isabella Rosselini: I'm not on the list! Ross Geller: Um, see, but that's not the final draft. Isabella Rosselini: It's laminated! Ross Geller: Yeah, um, okay see, you were, you were on the list but my friend, Chandler brought up the very good point that you are international, so I bumped you for Wynona Rider, local. Isabella Rosselini: Y'know it's ironic... Ross Geller: What? Isabella Rosselini: ...because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys and yesterday I bumped you for that guy over there. Ross Geller: We're just gonna be friends. Joey Tribbiani: Y'know what? Chandler Bing: Umm? Joey Tribbiani: I bet 'ya ya I could fit in there. Chandler Bing: I've got five bucks says you can't. Joey Tribbiani: Get out your checkbook, mister. Chandler Bing: Oh, I think I have the cash. Joey Tribbiani: You are dogged man! I totally fit! Chandler Bing: Yeah, you got me. I'm out five big ones! Here you go. Joey Tribbiani: Thank you. Cha-ching! Oh, well hello Mr. Lincoln. Better luck next time buddy. And the drinks are on me!
Janice Litman Goralnik: Janice has a question. Who of the six of you has sleep with the six of you? Phoebe Buffay: Wow, it's like a dirty math problem. Ross Geller: I'm sorry the answer there would be...none of us. Janice Litman Goralnik: Come on over the years none of you ever y'know, got drunk and stupid. Joey Tribbiani: Well, that's really a different question. Janice Litman Goralnik: I'm sorry I find it hard to believe that a group of people who spends as much time together as you guys do has never bumped uglies. Joey Tribbiani: Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together. Rachel Green: Excuse me, there was no time! Joey Tribbiani: Okay, but let's say there was. How might that go? Janice Litman Goralnik: Okay, okay, well then answer me this. Has any of you ever... almost? Rachel Green: Does anybody need more coffee? Ross Geller: Yeah, I'll take some. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, there's a dog out there! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, that is so unfortunate. Ross Geller: What? Phoebe Buffay: Cute naked guy is really starting to put on weight. Monica Geller: Okay, I'll be back in just a minute. Oh, Phoebe I'm sorry that I left lipstick marks on the phone. Phoebe Buffay: You didn't leave lipstick marks on the phone. Monica Geller: Oh, then it must've been you. Bye. Phoebe Buffay: Bye-bye! That's why I moved out. Ross Geller: Hey, y'know while we're on that, when are you gonna tell my sister that you don't live here anymore. Phoebe Buffay: I think on some levels she already knows. Ross Geller: Phoebe, she doesn't know that you sneak out every night, she doesn't know that you sneak back every morning, and she doesn't know that you've been living with your Grandmother's for a week now. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, well maybe not on those levels. Chandler Bing: Hey. Ross Geller: Hey. Chandler Bing: I'm never gonna find a roommate, ever. Phoebe Buffay: Why, nobody good? Chandler Bing: Well let's see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that's plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing Bing! Great apartment Chandler Bing, Bing! Ross Geller: So how many more do you have tomorrow? Chandler Bing: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I'm not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone 'Chandler Bing,' he said 'Whoa-whoa, short message.' Monica Geller: Ross , foot on the floor or come over no more! Ross Geller: Sure, your dresser is missing but this she notices. Monica Geller: What? Ross Geller: I have to go. Yeah, Carol should be home by now, soo... Chandler Bing: Umm, how's it going with you guys? Ross Geller: Oh, better, actually. Y'know I-I-I think I finally figured out why we were having so much trouble lately. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, really? Ross Geller: Yeah, y'know how I have you guys, well she doesn't really have any close friends that are just hers, but last week she meet this woman at the gym, Susan something, and they really hit it off, and I-I-I think it's gonna make a difference Chandler Bing: Soo, ah, Eric, what kind of photography do ya do? Eric (photographer): Oh, mostly fashion, so there may be models here from time to time, I hope that's cool. Chandler Bing: Yes, that is cool. Because I have models here y'know...never. Eric (photographer): Oh, yeah, during the summer, I spend most weekends at my sister's beach house, which you are welcome to use by the way. Although, I should probably tell you, she's a porn star. Chandler Bing: Well, listen I ah, still have one more person to ah meet, but unless it turns out to be your sister, I think you're chances are pretty good. All right. Chandler Bing: Bedroom. Bathroom. Living room. This right here is the kitchen, and thanks for coming by, Bye-bye. Joey Tribbiani: Don't you ah, don't you wanna ask me any questions? Chandler Bing: Sure. Ummm. What's up? Joey Tribbiani: Well, ah, I'm an actor. I'm fairly neat. I ah, I got my own TV. Oh, and don't worry I'm totally okay with the gay thing. Chandler Bing: What gay thing? Joey Tribbiani: Ah, y'know just in general people being gay, thing. I'm totally cool with that. Chandler Bing: Well okay Jerry, thanks for stopping by. Monica Geller: Hi. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey, Mon. Monica Geller: Hey-hey-hey. You wanna hear something that sucks. Chandler Bing: Do I ever. Monica Geller: Chris says they're closing down the bar. Chandler Bing: No way! Monica Geller: Yeah, apparently they're turning it into some kinda coffee place. Chandler Bing: Just coffee! Where are we gonna hang out now? Monica Geller: Got me. Chandler Bing: Can I get a beer. Monica Geller: Hey, did you pick a roommate? Chandler Bing: You betcha! Monica Geller: Is it the Italian guy? Chandler Bing: Um-mm, yeah right! Monica Geller: He's so cute. Chandler Bing: Oh yes, and that's what I want a roommate that I can walk around with and be referred to as the funny one. Monica Geller: Oh look, the pool table's free. Rack 'em up. I'll be back in just a minute. Get ready for me to whip your butt. Chandler Bing: Okay, but after that, we're shootin' some pool. Rachel Green: Oh, um, no, no, no, no excuse me, hello. Hi. My friend ordered an onion, not an olive, and uh I ordered a rum and Diet Coke, which I don't think this is. Waitress: I am so sorry. Rachel Green: That's all right. I mean hard is it to get a couple drinks right, huh? Friend No. 1: Well, I would like to propose a toast to the woman, who in one year from today, become Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber DDS Rachel Green: Ummm, I think it's time to see the ring again. Friend No. 2: Oh, isn't it exciting, I mean it's like having a boyfriend for life. Rachel Green: Yeah, I know. Friend No. 1: What? Rachel Green: Oh, I don't know. Well maybe it's just the idea of Barry for the rest of my life. I don't know I think I feel like I need to have one last fling, y'know, just to sorta get it out of my system. Friend No. 1: Rachel stop! Friend No. 2: You're so bad! Rachel Green: I'm serious, I really, I think I need just to have some...meaningless, sex y'know, with the next guy that I see. Chandler Bing: Excuse, I seem to have dropped my ball. Rachel Green: Yeah, so? Chandler Bing: And now I've picked it up again. Monica Geller: Oh my God, I went to high school with her. Rachel! Hi! Rachel Green: Monica! Look! Hi! What do ya think? Monica Geller: Oh my God, you can't even see where the Titanic hit it. Rachel Green: Yes, his name is Barry, he's a doctor, thank you very much. Monica Geller: Awww, just like you always wanted. Congratulations Rachel Green: Thank you. So how-how 'bout you, are-are you seeing anybody? Monica Geller: Aww, not right now. Rachel Green: Oh, but that's okay. Monica Geller: I know. Rachel Green: Yeah. Monica Geller: So, I'll get-get back to my friend. Rachel Green: Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. Listen, can we please have lunch the next time I'm in the city? Monica Geller: Oh, that'd be great. Rachel Green: Okay! Monica Geller: Thanks. Rachel Green: Bye! Monica Geller: Bye! Ten bucks says, I never see that woman again in my life. Ross Geller: No real-, honey, really it's fine, just g-go with Susan. Really, I, no, I think girls night out is a great idea. Okay, okay, bye Phoebe Buffay: So what are they doing? Ross Geller: I don't know, something girlie. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, you're early. Monica Geller: What are you doing with the lamp? Phoebe Buffay: I'm just taking it to be re-wired. Monica Geller: Oh, well don't take it to the same place you took the stereo, 'cause they've had that thing for over a week. Phoebe Buffay: No, no, Mr. Heckles no one is making any noise up here. Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice. Phoebe Buffay: You don't play the oboe! Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe! Phoebe Buffay: Then I'm gonna have to ask you to keep it down. Mr. Heckles: Who are you? Eric (photographer): Hi, I'm Eric, I'm gonna be Chandler's new roommate. Mr. Heckles: I'm Chandler's new roommate. Eric (photographer): I-I-I don't think so. Mr. Heckles: I could be Chandler's new roommate. Eric (photographer): But, he told me over the phone. Mr. Heckles: He told me in person. Eric (photographer): That's weird. Mr. Heckles: Well, I'm going to go into my new apartment now. Ehh! Monica Geller: Hi, again. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Monica Geller: Thank you soo, much. Chandler Bing: Oh, don't thank me, thank the jerk that never showed up. Okay, I gotta get to get to work. Monica Geller: You want some help with that? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, no thanks, I got it. No I don't! Monica Geller: Whoa! Are you okay? Joey Tribbiani: Whew! Stood up to fast, got a little head rush. Monica Geller: It's the heat. And-and the humidity. Joey Tribbiani: That's a uh, that's a tough combination. Monica Geller: Do you wanna come in for some lemonade? Joey Tribbiani: Like you wouldn't believe. Wow! This is a great place. Monica Geller: Thank you. Just make yourself comfortable. Joey Tribbiani: Gotcha. Monica Geller: This place is really my Grandmother's. I got it from her when she moved to Florida, otherwise I could never afford a place like this. So if the landlord ever asks, I'm 87 year old woman, who's afraid of her VCR. So are you thirsty? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you bet I am! Monica Geller: Okay, here's your penis! Monica Geller: Oh my God!!! What are you doing?!! Joey Tribbiani: You said, you wanna come in for some lemonade? Monica Geller: So?! Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, ah!! We're you just gonna give me some lemonade? Monica Geller: Yeah huh!! Cover yourself up! Joey Tribbiani: Oh right, right. Monica Geller: I don't believe this! When someone asks you in for lemonade, and to you that means they wanna have sex? Joey Tribbiani: Well usually...yeah! Well, not just lemonade, iced tea, sometimes juice. Well, sorry, I just, I thought you liked me. I'm such a jerk. Monica Geller: It's okay. I suppose it could happen to anyone, not anyone I know, but... By the way I can still see it. Monica Geller: Pheebs? Phoebe Buffay: Huh? Monica Geller: Where's your bed? Phoebe Buffay: It's not in the apartment? Oh no. I can't believe this is happening again. Monica Geller: What? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, enough with the third degree! I-I've, I don't live here anymore. Monica Geller: What are you talking about? Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, I-I-I-I don't live here anymore. I-I didn't know how to tell you, but y'know everybody else knows! Monica Geller: Everybody knows! Phoebe Buffay: That was supposed to be a good thing, I forget why. Just listen, Monica, I, do you know, okay, do you know, I couldn't sleep for like a month because I got like a dot of ink on one of the sofa cushions. Monica Geller: Well, you-you coulda just turned the cushion over. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I would've except I had a big spaghetti stain on the other side. Monica Geller: What?!?! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, this is what I'm talking about, this. I-I need to live in a land where people can spill. Monica Geller: You can spill. In the sink. Phoebe Buffay: Aw, honey it's not your fault, y'know this is who you are, and I love you, and I want us to be friends, and if I keep living here I don't see that happening. Monica Geller: I love you, too. Phoebe Buffay: Aww, good. What? Monica Geller: What? I'm just said. Phoebe Buffay: No you're not, you're wondering which cushion it is. Chandler Bing: So ah, whatcha watching? Joey Tribbiani: Baywatch. Chandler Bing: What's it about? Joey Tribbiani: Lifeguards. Chandler Bing: Well, it sounds kinda stupid... Who's she? Joey Tribbiani: Nicole Eggert. You'll like her. Chandler Bing: Wow! Look at them run. Joey Tribbiani: They do that a lot. Hey, you want a beer? Chandler Bing: Yeah, I'll go get one. Joey Tribbiani: No, no, no, don't get up, I got a cooler right here. Chandler Bing: Well, hello! Monica Geller: Hey. Chandler Bing: Do you have any beers? We're out of beers. Monica Geller: Help yourself. Chandler Bing: You okay? Monica Geller: Phoebe moved out. Chandler Bing: Right. Monica Geller: I don't understand, I mean am I so hard to live, is this why I don't have a boyfriend? Chandler Bing: Noo!! You don't have a boyfriend because...I don't, I don't know why you don't have a boyfriend. You should have a boyfriend. Monica Geller: Well, I think so. Chandler Bing: Oh-ho, come here. Listen, you are one of my favourite people and the most beautiful woman I've ever known in real life. Ross Geller: Hi. Where is everybody? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's already closed, Chris gave me the keys to lock up-what is wrong? Ross Geller: My marriage, I think my marriage is um, is kinda over. Phoebe Buffay: Oh no! Why? Ross Geller: 'Cause Carol's a lesbian. And, and I'm not one. And apparently it's not a mix and match situation. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! I don't believe it! Oh, you poor bunny. Ross Geller: I'm an idiot. I mean shoulda seen it, I mean Carol and I'd be out and she'd, she'd see some beautiful woman, and, and she'd be Ross y'know look at her, and I'd think, God, my wife is cool! Phoebe Buffay: Aw! Hey, do you think that Susan person is her lover? Ross Geller: Well, now I do!! Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry. Ross Geller: Seven years. I mean we've been together seven years, she's the only woman who's ever loved me, and the only woman I've-I've ever... Phoebe Buffay: Aw, God Ross. Oh. Chandler Bing: Umm, this is nice. Monica Geller: I know, it is isn't it? Chandler Bing: No, I mean it, this feels really good. Is it a hundred percent cotton? Monica Geller: Yeah! And I got it on sale, too. Chandler Bing: Anyway, I should go, one of the lifeguards was just about to dismantle a nuclear device. Monica Geller: Well, if you wanna get a drink later we can. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, that sounds great. Oh, and listen, it's, it's gonna be... Monica Geller: I know. Thanks. Ross Geller: Maybe this would've happened if I'd been more nurturing, or I'd paid more attention, or I... had a uterus. I can't believe this! Phoebe Buffay: I know no, no, y'know you don't deserve this, you don't Ross. You're, you're really, you're so good. Ross Geller: Thanks. Phoebe Buffay: And you're so sweet. And you're kind Ross Geller: Thanks. Ross Geller: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Phoebe Buffay: Huh? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, it's okay. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Ross Geller: Wait, wait, wait. Phoebe Buffay: What? Ross Geller: My foot is stuck in the pocket. Phoebe Buffay: What? Ross Geller: No, I can't get it out. Phoebe Buffay: Well, that's not something a girl wants to hear. Ross Geller: No, come on don't start. Ouch! Phoebe Buffay: What? Ross Geller: Stupid balls are in the way. Ross Geller: Oh well. It probably would've been the most constructive solution. Phoebe Buffay: You have chalk on your face. Ross Geller: Huh? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, Ross you're right, I don't know why I always thought this was real grass. Monica Geller: Hey, are you okay? Ross Geller: My wife's a lesbian. Joey Tribbiani: Cool!! Chandler Bing: Ross-Joey, Joey-Ross. Ross Geller: Hi. Chandler Bing: I can't believe you came back. Rachel Green: Don't say anything. I don't wanna speak, I don't wanna think. I just want you to take me and kiss me and make love to me right here, right now. Friend No. 2: Rachel! Rachel! Rachel Green: What? Friend No. 2: You missed the exit! Rachel Green: Oh, sorry. Friend No. 1: My God, what were you thinking about? Rachel Green: Um, Barry. Her Friends: Awwww!!
Ross Geller: So I told Carl, 'Nobody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.' But of course this went in one ear and out... Rachel Green: I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend he's Alan Alda. Monica Geller: Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct? Chandler Bing: If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best. Gunther: What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife. Phoebe Buffay: Who's singing? Ross Geller: Hey. When you guys were kids and you played Happy Days, who were you? I was always Richie. Monica Geller: I was always Joanne. Joey Tribbiani: Question. Was ah, 'Egg the Gellers!' the war cry of your neighbourhood? Phoebe Buffay: Ewww! Oh! It's the Mattress King! Joey Tribbiani: Booo!! Chandler Bing: Don't look honey. Change the channel! Change the channel! Janice Litman Goralnik: Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of that kingdom is gonna be mine. Matress King: 'Despair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. I'm so depressed I'm going to slash... my prices!! Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! I'm going medieval on prices! Chandler Bing: What a wank! Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, I cannot believe he's using our divorce to sell mattresses. Monica Geller: I know! And four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set, who cares about the divorce, those babies will sell themselves. And I'm appalled for you by the way. Matress King: I'm close. I'm cheap. I'm the king. Rachel Green: 'Okay. Okay, daddy we'll see you tomorrow night. Okay bye-bye.' Ross Geller: We? Rachel Green: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that's okay. Ross Geller: Oh shoot, tomorrow's not so good, I'm supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry. Rachel Green: Ross, my father doesn't hate you. Ross Geller: Please, he refers to me as 'wethead'. Rachel Green: But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Okay, look, I know, all right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me, please. I just want him to love you like I do. All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but, if you do come to dinner, I'll love you like I do in that black thing that you like. Chandler Bing: I'll go. Ross Geller: Fine. Rachel Green: Thank you. Ross Geller: Hi Gunther. Gunther: Yeah, we'll see! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you guys! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Guess what? Ross Geller: What? Joey Tribbiani: I got a gig! Everyone: Yay!! Chandler Bing: See, that's why I could never be an actor. Because I can't say gig. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I can't say croissant. Oh my God! Monica Geller: What's the part? Joey Tribbiani: Well, it's not a part, no. I'm teaching acting for soap operas down at the Learning Extension. Ross Geller: Come on! That's great. Everyone: Wow! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah. It's like my chance to give something back to the acting community. Ross Geller: Y'know your probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students. Joey Tribbiani: I know! Phoebe Buffay: Ugh! I don't know Monica. It feels funny just being here. I mean if you buy a bed from Janice's ex-husband, that's like betraying Chandler. Monica Geller: Not at these prices. Phoebe Buffay: Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store. Woo! Monica Geller: Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy. Phoebe Buffay: Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know, Chandler's your friend... Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can make other friends. Joey Tribbiani: Good evening. I'm Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be teaching acting for soap operas. Now um, on my first day as Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives, I learned that one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean acting again, it means, you don't have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes like this. Thanks, thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget to work in soap operas some of you will have to become much more attractive. All right, moving right along. Joey Tribbiani: Hi! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Ooh! How was teaching last night? Joey Tribbiani: Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff like, 'Hey, the bell doesn't dismiss you, I dismiss you.' Phoebe Buffay: Ooooh, nice. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, and guess what, I got an audition for All My Children. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yay! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, it's this great part, this boxer named Nick. And I'm so, so right for it, y'know, he's just like me. Except he's a boxer, and has an evil twin. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Guy: Dom da-da dom! Here ye! Here ye! Delivery from the Mattress King. You Miss Geller? Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Guy: Sign here. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, do I have a middle name. All right Monica Velula Geller. It's that bedroom there. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, so please, please, please, don't say anything to Chandler. Joey Tribbiani: You want me to lie to Chandler? Phoebe Buffay: Is that a problem? Joey Tribbiani: No. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer let's see what you got. All right ya, put 'em up. Come on. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you're ah, pretty good at this. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, well I had to learn, I was staying at the Y and some off the young men weren't acting Christian enough. Joey Tribbiani: Ahh! Joey Tribbiani: Hey now! Joey Tribbiani: Hey!!! Oww!! And I'm bleeding. Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Oh! Oh! Joey Tribbiani: Okay, great. Phoebe Buffay: Wow! And I'm a vegetarian! All right, all right, well I'm sorry, we'll put some ice on it. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: 'Kay, put your head back. Joey Tribbiani: All right. I can't see. Phoebe Buffay: All right, I have ya. Oh God. Guy: Which bedroom do ya want it in Miss Geller? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's the compulsively neat one by the window, okay. Guy: Gotcha. Rachel Green: Hi Daddy! Leonard Green: This where they put it? What, there no table available in the kitchen! Hello, baby. Rachel Green: You remember Ross. Leonard Green: Um-hmm. Ross Geller: Nice to see you again Dr. Green. Leonard Green: So! How's the library? Ross Geller: Ugh, museum. Leonard Green: What happened to the library? Ross Geller: There never was a library. I mean there are libraries, its just that I ah, I never worked at one. Leonard Green: You know what's really good here, the lobster. What do you say shall I just order three. Ross Geller: Yeah, if you're really hungry. It was a joke, I made a joke. Rachel Green: Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to lobster. Leonard Green: What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a library. Ross Geller: It's not a library... Leonard Green: I know!! It's a museum! What, you're the only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu. Ross Geller: So, Dr. Green, how's the old boat. Leonard Green: They found rust. You know what rust does to a boat? Ross Geller: It gives it a nice antiquey look. Leonard Green: Rust, is boat cancer, Ross. Ross Geller: Wow. I'm sorry, when I was a kid I lost a bike to that. Leonard Green: Excuse me for a moment, will you please, I want to say good night to the Levines, before we go. Rachel Green: Okay. Ross Geller: Okay! Rachel Green: Aw honey stop! It's not that bad. Ross Geller: Yeah. Op! Uh-oh! I think your Dad must've added wrong. He only tipped like four percent. Rachel Green: Yeah. That's Daddy. Ross Geller: That's Daddy?! But doesn't it bother you? You're a waitress. Rachel Green: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a regular at the coffee house, I'd be serving him sneezers. Ross Geller: So? Rachel Green: So. Ross, I've bugged him about this a million times, he's not gonna change. Ross Geller: You really serve people sneezers? Rachel Green: Well um, I don't. Leonard Green: You kids ready? Ross Geller: Thanks again, Dr. Green. Leonard Green: All right. Leonard Green: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I forgot my receipt. Ross Geller: Oh, ah, you don't need that. Leonard Green: Why not? Ross Geller: The carbon, it's messy, I mean it gets on your fingers and causes, the, the ah, night blindness. Leonard Green: What is this? Who put a twenty down here? Huh? Ross Geller: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem I-I tip way too much, way, way, too much, it's a sickness really. Rachel Green: Yeah it is, it is. We really, really have to do something about that. Ross Geller: I know. Leonard Green: Excuse me, you think I'm cheap? Rachel Green: Oh Daddy, no he didn't mean anything by that, he really didn't. Ross Geller: Nothing I do means anything, really. Leonard Green: This is nice. I pay two hundred dollars for dinner, you put down twenty, and you come out looking like Mr. Big Shot. You really want to be Mr. Big Shot? Here, I'll tell you what, you pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot, all right. Ross Geller: Well Mr. Big Shot is better than 'wethead'. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it' Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed. Student: Hey, Mr. Trib. Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey. Student: Guess what, I got an audition! Joey Tribbiani: Awww, one of my students got an audition. I'm so proud. Student: I was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it? Joey Tribbiani: You bet! What's the part? Student: Oh it's great, it's a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer. Rachel Green: You had to do it, didn't you? You couldn't just leave it alone. Ross Geller: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when there's a bug in my food. Rachel Green: Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along. Oh, would you just see my chiropractor, already. Ross Geller: Yeah, I'm gonna go to a doctor who went to school in a mini-mall. Ross Geller: Hey Pheebs, what are you doing? Phoebe Buffay: I'm, I'm freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something and she shouldn't have! All right, I haven't lived here in a while, so I have to ask you something. Does Monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom? Rachel Green: Um. yeah. Phoebe Buffay: I am soo dead. Rachel Green: All right, look, here's the bottom line Ross, this is fixable, if we act fast, okay. So, I'll invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice. Ross Geller: Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn't work. Rachel Green: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but that's why you have got to be the bigger man here. Ross Geller: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn't make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say 'Like me! Like me tiny doctor!' Rachel Green: Okay, well can't you just try it one more time Ross? For me? For me? Ross Geller: Rachel one brunch is not gonna solve anything. You gotta face it, okay we're never gonna get along. Rachel Green: Okay, well you are just gonna have too, okay. Because I already got a Mother and a Father who cannot stay in the same room together, okay, I don't wanna have to have a separate room for you too!! Ross Geller: Okay, okay, okay. I'll get the bagels. Monica Geller: What's this? Phoebe Buffay: Isn't it cool! Varoom! Varoom! Monica Geller: This is not the bed I ordered! Phoebe Buffay: I know, you must've won like a contest or something! Monica Geller: Phoebe! Monica Geller: Why is this car in my bedroom? Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, okay, I-I wasn't looking, and the store says that they won't take it back because you signed for it... Monica Geller: When did I sign for it? Phoebe Buffay: When I was you! Y'know what, it's all Joey's fault, 'cause he left his nose open! Monica Geller: Did you make brownies today? Chandler Bing: Knock, knock. Monica Geller: Quick, take off your dress, he won't notice the bed. Chandler Bing: Hey, I'm going for sushi does anybody want.. Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp. Phoebe Buffay: It's Monica's bed. What? Chandler Bing: Okay. It's a racecar. Phoebe Buffay: So. This has always been Monica's bed, what you're just noticing now, how self-involved are you? Chandler Bing: Okay, well it this bed isn't new, how come there is plastic on the mattress? Monica Geller: Sometimes I have bad dreams. Student: Look, I just saw my best friends brains smeared across the canvas, that's not gonna be me, not me. Joey Tribbiani: Wow! That was good. That was... Tweezers? Student: No. Joey Tribbiani: Whoa. That was really good. Student: Thanks, any suggestions? Chandler Bing: You told him to play the boxer gay!! Joey Tribbiani: Well, I-I might've said supergay. Chandler Bing: You totally screwed him over. Monica Geller: Joey, you're this guy's teacher. I mean how could you do this? Joey Tribbiani: Because, Monica, the guy's so good, and I really, really want this part. Phoebe Buffay: Well, if you really, really want it, then it's okay. Rachel Green: Hi Daddy. Leonard Green: Baby. Ross. Ross Geller: Dr. Green. How are you? Leonard Green: Thanks for dinner last night. Ross Geller: Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson. Leonard Green: Nice hair. What'd ya do? Swim here? Ross Geller: Okay, that's it, I can't take it anymore. Rachel Green: What? What? He's interested in you. He-he likes your hair, he just wants to know how you got here. Ross Geller: Oh, please. Sweetie it's hopeless, okay, I'm just gonna go. Rachel Green: What?! Ross Geller: Look, look I'm sorry. It's just that... Leonard Green: Ross? What's with the neck? Rachel Green: He's got this thing. And I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor... Leonard Green: You're still going to that chiropractor, that man couldn't get into medical school in Extapa! Ross Geller: Thank you! That's what I keep saying. Rachel Green: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor. Ross Geller: Uh. Leonard Green: Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby? Rachel Green: Well that's his last name. Ross Geller: And his first name. Leonard Green: He's Bobby Bobby? Rachel Green: It's Robert Bobby. Leonard Green: Oh. Rachel Green: And um, excuse me, he helps me. Ross Geller: Oh-ho please. Ask her how? Leonard Green: What do you need help for? Rachel Green: With my alignment. I've got one leg shorter than the other. Leonard Green: Oh God! Ross Geller: Argue with that. Rachel Green: What? It's true, my right leg is two inches shorter. Leonard Green: Come on! You're just titling! Her legs are fine! Ross Geller: I know that! Leonard Green: So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for? Rachel Green: I'm sorry, let her? Ross Geller: What can I do, she doesn't listen to me about renter's insurance either. Leonard Green: Wait a minute, you don't have renter's insurance?! Rachel Green: No. Leonard Green: Well what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna run after him with one leg shorter than the other?! Ross Geller: Hey, would you ah, would you like some juice? Leonard Green: I'd love some juice. Thanks. Ross Geller: Okay. Wow! This is going so well. Did you see us? Did you see? Rachel Green: Yeah honey, I'm standing right there! Why didn't you just tell him about the mole I haven't got checked yet. Ross Geller: Excellent! Joey Tribbiani: There will come a time in each of your careers when you'll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And I'm ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. And now, he's got a two year contract opposite Susan Luchhi, the first lady of daytime television, and me, me I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Thank you. Jester: Uh, may I help you? Monica Geller: Yeah, I talked to you on the phone, I'm the lady that got stuck with the racecar bed. Jester: Look, it's like I told you, there's nothing I can do. You signed for it, Monica Velula Geller. Joey Tribbiani: All right, Jester man, look we wanna see the king. Jester: Nobody sees the king! Joey Tribbiani: Oh-ho-kay, I'm talking to the king. Jester: Hey! You can't go back there! Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh my God. Chandler Bing: Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrrrrrrrom! Hey-hey good lookin'! Varrrrrrrrroom. All right, I'll leave. My bed's so boring.
Rachel Green: Here you go Pheebs. Who else wants one of my special homemade brownies? Chandler Bing: I will have one. Chandler Bing: Okay, I'm not gonna have one. Ross Geller: Neither will I. Phoebe Buffay: No, no, it's just my tooth. Chandler Bing: All right I'll have one. Ross Geller: So what's a matter, you need a dentist? I've got a good one. Phoebe Buffay: No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can't see him. Chandler Bing: See that is the problem with invisible dentists. Ross Geller: Why? Why can't you go to him? Phoebe Buffay: Because, every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies. Chandler Bing: That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist's blouse. Rachel Green: Phoebe, what? Umm...what?! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, and then there was umm, John, my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend 'Albino Bob'. Rachel Green: And all these people actually died? Phoebe Buffay: Yes, while I was in the chair! That's why I take such good care of my teeth now, y'know, it's not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives! Ross Geller: Pheebs, come on, you didn't kill anybody, these people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. It's, it's, it's just ah, a coincidence. Phoebe Buffay: Well tell that to them. Oh! You can't, their dead. Ross Geller: Thanks, Gunther. Hey! Umm, can I get a napkin too? Gunther: Oh, like you don't already have everything. Phoebe Buffay: Ow! Ow! Rachel Green: Phoebe, your in pain, would you just go to the dentist, just go. Phoebe Buffay: All right, fine, fine, but if you're my next victim, don't come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set. Rachel Green: I promise. Phoebe Buffay: Although, don't feel like you can't visit. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, is, is, is Chandler here? Ross Geller: No, no he's not. Monica Geller: You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband. Ross Geller: What? So what are you going to do? I mean how, how are you going to tell Chandler? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way would be, to not. Rachel Green: Joey, you can't keep this to yourself, if you know about this, you have to tell him. Joey Tribbiani: It'll kill him. I mean it'll, it'll just kill him. Phoebe Buffay: Well, you could wait 'til I go to the dentist, maybe I'll kill him. Joey Tribbiani: Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his new hammock. It's like a Play-Doo Fat Factory. Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm going to the dentist, so listen, okay, just be on the look out for anything that, that, that you can fall into, or, or that can fall on you, or... All right, just look out! Okay, And um, I also just wanna, I just wanna tell you all that um... Ross Geller: Okay, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few hours, some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display. Joey Tribbiani: What did they do? Ross Geller: Well, they painted over the word 'Sapien' for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, let's just leave it at that. Monica Geller: So, do you want me to watch Ben for you? Ross Geller: Yes, that's what I was going to ask, thank you. Rachel Green: Whoa! Wait! Hello! What about me? Ross Geller: You? You! Want to watch Ben? Yes! That'd be great, no, I just wanted to ask Monica, because I know how empty her life is. Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey, Ross? Ross Geller: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: I've got a science question. Ross Geller: Hmm? Joey Tribbiani: If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact 'Homo-sapien', is that why there extinct? Ross Geller: Joey, Homo Sapiens are people. Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey, I'm not judging. Rachel Green: Look Benny, spoon. Spoon. Come on! All right, y'know what I think he's bored. Monica Geller: Here. Ben, do you wanna play the airplane game, do you wanna show Rachel? Come here. We're gonna do something fun. Okay. Weee!! Weee!! Monica Geller: Who's so brave, you're so brave, yes you are, you're so brave. Rachel Green: Okay. Okay honey, he's fine, he's fine, let's just put him down. Come here, Ben. See that's a good boy. How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?! Monica Geller: He's not gonna say anything, because we're not gonna tell him. Rachel Green: We're not?! Monica Geller: No we're not. Rachel Green: All right, I like that. Monica Geller: Okay. Rachel Green: So we're okay, we're okay, we're okay, aren't we? No, we're not okay, we're not okay, there's a bump, there's a bump. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Well push it in! Push it in! Rachel Green: I cannot push it in! Monica Geller: Okay, we're gonna need a distraction. Rachel Green: Okay, okay, okay. Monica Geller: I got it! Rachel Green: Okay. Monica Geller: The second that Ross walks in that door, I want you take him back to your bedroom and do whatever it is that you do that makes him go, rweee!! Rachel Green: Or. We could put a hat on his head. Monica Geller: A hat! Yes! We need a hat. Rachel Green: We need a hat.. Monica Geller: Where are we gonna find a tiny little hat? Rachel Green: Oh, oh, oh, I'll get 'Rainy Day Bear'!! Monica Geller: Because he'll know what to do? Oh my God, you're a genius! Rachel Green: Oh God, oh God, it's sowed on though. Monica Geller: Give it. Give it. Rachel Green: Okay. Rachel Green: Oh, it's just like a bloodbath in here today. Chandler Bing: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do you think these pearls are nice? Joey Tribbiani: I'd really prefer a mountain bike. Chandler Bing: Janice's birthday is coming up, I want to get her something speacial. Come in here with me. Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. Do you ah, want to get her something speacial, get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum, girls love gum. Chandler Bing: That's a good idea, 'Dear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba birthday'. I would like to get her something serious. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you want something serious. Y'know what you should do, you should get her one of those um, barium enemas. Those are dead serious. Chandler Bing: All right. Look, I'm gonna go in here, and you don't buy me anything ever. Joey Tribbiani: No, no, you can't, you can't, okay, you can't, you can't buy her pearls, you just can't, you can't, you can't. Chandler Bing: Why not?! Joey Tribbiani: Oh God. Uh, okay, here's the thing, this is the thing, okay, the thing is... Chandler Bing: What is the thing? Joey Tribbiani: Okay. I went down to the 'Mattress King' showroom and, and I saw Janice, kissing her ex-husband. Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: They were in his office. Chandler Bing: Well she, she wouldn't do that, she's with, she's with me. Joey Tribbiani: I'm telling you man, I saw it. Chandler Bing: Yeah, well, you're wrong! Okay, you're wrong. Joey Tribbiani: I'm not wrong! I wish I was. I'm sorry. Bet that barium enema doesn't sound so bad now, huh? Monica Geller: It just makes more sense as an ensemble. Rachel Green: Right. Monica Geller: Besides, it takes the focus off the hat. Phoebe Buffay: No! Oh! You're alive! You're alive! Rachel Green: See Pheebs, I promised you no one would die, didn't I? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, well, we'll see about that. Can I use your phone? I just wanna call everyone I know. Monica Geller: Sure, we have no money, go ahead. Phoebe Buffay: 'Hey! You're not dead! Okay, see ya!' Ben Geller: Monica. Monica Geller: Oh my God! He just said my name! Did you hear that? Ben Geller: Monica bang! Rachel Green: Okay, I heard that. Monica Geller: Did he just say 'Monica bang'? Rachel Green: Uh-huh. Monica Geller: Oh my God! He's gonna rat me out! Ben Geller: Monica bang! Monica Geller: Oh-ho-ho, sweetie, sweetie, you gotta stop saying that, now. It's no big deal, it's not even worth mentioning, you see we all do it all the time. See watch this, Ben, Ben, Ben. Ow, Monica bang! Everybody bang. Ben bang. Rachel bang. Bang, Rachel bang! Oh, isn't that fun? Rachel Green: Look at that! Look at that! We all do it. Okay, I'm stopping now. Monica Geller: You okay? Rachel Green: Oh yeah! Y'know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it. Janice Litman Goralnik: How's my Bing-a-ling? Chandler Bing: Ah, I don't know, you tell me. Anything you ah, wanna tell me, because, if you ah, you should, if you, you would, tell me. Janice Litman Goralnik: Why are your eyes so white? Chandler Bing: You tell me! Maybe, it's because I was just fooling with my ex! Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that was you!! Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh my God!! Chandler Bing: All right! Janice Litman Goralnik: How did you know? Chandler Bing: Joey told me, he saw you two kissing. Janice Litman Goralnik: In the park? Chandler Bing: No! In his office! How many kisses were there? Janice Litman Goralnik: Just those two! Chandler Bing: Wh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was there kissing!? There should be no kissing!! Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, I'm sorry honey, I'm so, so, haaaaa! I'm so, so sorry, I just haaaaaa! But I, oh what happened was, I-I-I can't breathe. Can you get me a bag, or something? Chandler Bing: Here. Janice Litman Goralnik: The receipt. Chandler Bing: I'll take it! All right look, I gotta know. Are you finished with me? Are you finished with him? Do you still love him? Do you still love me? All right look, I'm gonna need an actual answer here okay, so which is it, him or me? Janice Litman Goralnik: I don't know. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. If you're alive you answer your phone! Monica Geller: Okay, Ben, I won't tell your daddy that you had ice cream for dinner, if you don't tell about our little bonking incident. Rachel Green: Monica, number one, I don't think Ben understands the concept of bribery, and number two, I... What?! Joey Tribbiani: You said number two. Rachel Green: I also said number one. Joey Tribbiani: I know. Ross Geller: Hey! Everyone. Rachel Green: Hi! Ross Geller: How's my little boy? Rachel Green: He's perfect, he's never been better. Ross Geller: What'd you do, take him whaling? Ben Geller: Monica. Ross Geller: Oh my God, he just said your name, that's great! Good job Ben. Ben Geller: Monica bang! Monica Geller: Oh that's right, that's what I'd sound like if I exploded. Phoebe Buffay: Woo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called everybody I know, and everyone is alive. Joey Tribbiani: Uh. Phoebe Buffay: What? Joey Tribbiani: Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! I killed him! I killed another one! And this curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big. Rachel Green: Well maybe he's just taking a nap. Joey Tribbiani: I'm tellin' ya, he hasn't moved since this morning. Monica Geller: All right, we should call somebody. Ross Geller: And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at all the time isn't moving. Rachel Green: Well, we have gotta find out if he's alive. Monica Geller: How are we gonna do that? There's no way. Joey Tribbiani: Well, there is one way. His window's open, I say, we poke him. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Y'know how we ah, save all those chopsticks for no reason we get when we get Chinese food? Chandler Bing: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Well, now we got a reason. Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: Well, we're fashioning a very long poking device. Chandler Bing: All right. Joey Tribbiani: Hey uh, what's a matter? Chandler Bing: I talked to Janice. Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God, is she going back to him? Chandler Bing: She doesn't know. Says she loves us both. Y'know I woke up this morning and I was in love, well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I can't even return them, because she choked on the reciept! Joey Tribbiani: What are you ah, what are you gonna do? Chandler Bing: I don't know, y'know. What, what, would you do? Joey Tribbiani: Well, it doesn't matter what I would do. Chandler Bing: Come on, tell me. Joey Tribbiani: All right, you're probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just me, I would ah, I would bow out. Chandler Bing: What? What are you, what are you talking about? Joey Tribbiani: They have a kid together, y'know. They're like, they're like a family, and if, I don't know, there's chance they could make that work, I know I wouldn't want to be the guy who stood in the way of that. Are you okay? Do you wanna ah, come poke a nude guy? Ross Geller: Well, he's finally alseep. About that ah, bump on his head? Rachel Green: Are you, are you, are you sure it's ah, a new bump? I mean, no offense, I've always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child. Ross Geller: It's okay if he bumps his head, kids bump their heads all the time, y'know, it was your first time babysitting, I figured you did the best you could. Rachel Green: I did! Ross Geller: I know! I'm saying you have to watch them all the time. Rachel Green: I did!! I watched! I watched! I watched Monica bang his head against that thing! Ross Geller: Monica did it? Ross Geller: Monica? Monica Geller: Yeah. Ross Geller: Umm, did you notice anything wierd about Ben today? Monica Geller: No. Why? Ross Geller: Well, I was just playing with him, and y'know we were doing the alphabet song, which he used to be really good at, but suddenly he's leaving out 'e' and 'f.' It's like they just ah, I don't know, fell out of his head. Monica Geller: Really?! Ross Geller: Oh, and also, he's, he's walkin' kind of funny, his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg, and he's in there just sort of y'know... Monica Geller: Oh my God, I wrecked your baby!! Rachel Green: I hope it's still funny when you're in hell. Monica Geller: You jerk! You know how much I love that kid! Ross Geller: Monica bang! Monica bang! Ow! Rachel Green: I'll get the hat. Chandler Bing: Janice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you to let me get through it, because it's, it's, it's not gonna be easy. Janice Litman Goralnik: Okay. Chandler Bing: I think you should go back with Gary. I don't wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, y'know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was always think y'know 'You're the reason, you are the reason why their not together.' and I hated that guy. And it didn't matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad. Janice Litman Goralnik: Wow! Chandler Bing: Yeah, well. It's the right thing to do. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh! You're right. Oh God. But, before I can say 'good-bye', there's something I really need you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about you, it's like, I finally understand what Lionel Richie's been singing about. Y'know, I mean what we have, it's like movie love, you're my soulmate, and I can't believe we're not going to be spending the rest of our lives together. Chandler Bing: Then don't leave me! Janice Litman Goralnik: What? Chandler Bing: Forget what I said, I was babbling! Pick me! Janice Litman Goralnik: No, you were right, you were right. I mean, I-I-I've got to give my marriage another chance. Chandler Bing: No you don't! No, no, no, I say you have to give your divorce another chance. Janice Litman Goralnik: I'm sorry. Chandler Bing: Ohhh. Don't go. Janice Litman Goralnik: No, I-I-I gotta go. Chandler Bing: No. No! No! No! Janice Litman Goralnik: Honey, honey, people are looking. Chandler Bing: I don't care! I don't care!! Janice Litman Goralnik: Yeah, um, I'm, I'm leaving now. Chandler Bing: You can't leave! I have your shoe! Janice Litman Goralnik: Good-bye Chandler Bing. Gunther: Rachel has those in burgendy. Joey Tribbiani: All right now remember, something this big and long is going to be difficult to manuver, fortunately I have a lot of experience in that area. Ross Geller: Can we please focus here, a naked man's life hangs in the balance! Phoebe Buffay: I'm telling you he's dead. What we are about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick. Joey Tribbiani: All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's poke. Steady. Steady. Okay, a little higher. Careful of the angle. Okay, okay, we're approaching the window Thread the needle. Thread the needle. Phoebe Buffay: He's alive! He's a-live!!! Monica Geller: And yet, we're still poking him. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, retract the device, retract the device. Ross Geller: He does not look happy. Rachel Green: Hey-hey, now he's showing us his poking device. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, that's never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy! Chandler Bing: I'll hold you close in my arms. I can't resist your charms. And love... Phoebe Buffay: Love... Chandler Bing: No you know I don't mind. Chandler Bing: I know. Phoebe Buffay: I know. Chandler Bing: I've found. Phoebe Buffay: I've found...
The Guys: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Awww! Phoebe Buffay: Hey, it's your Thanksgiving too, y'know, instead of watching football, you could help. The Guys: We will. Monica Geller: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmellows in concentric circles. Rachel Green: No Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this. Monica Geller: Every year. Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, for once, I am going to sit down and try to watch one of these things. . Ross Geller: Halftime. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, who wants to ah, throw the ball around a little, maybe get a little three on three going? Rachel Green: Oh! That would be sooo much fun! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, can I play too? I've never played football, like ever. Joey Tribbiani: Great, you can cover Chandler. Chandler Bing: No, no, no, I don't, I don't really wanna play. Joey Tribbiani: Come on man! You never want to do anything since you and Janice broke up. Chandler Bing: That's not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don't say that I don't have goals! Joey Tribbiani: Chandler, you have to start getting over her. All right, if you play, you get some fresh air, maybe it'll take your mind off Janice, and if you don't play, everyone will be mad at you 'cause the teams won't be even. Come on. Chandler Bing: Yeah, all right, I'll play. Phoebe Buffay: Yay!! Rachel Green: Let's do it! Ross? Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: Do you wanna play football? Ross Geller: Um, Monica and I aren't supposed to play football. Joey Tribbiani: Says who? Your mom? Monica Geller: Well, every, every Thanksgiving um, we used to have a touch football game called the 'Geller Bowl.' Chandler Bing: No, no, no, you say that proudly. Monica Geller: Anyway, Ross and I were always captains, and um, it got kind've competitive and one year, Geller Bowl VI, I accidentally broke Ross's nose. Ross Geller: It was soo not an accident. She saw I was about to tag her, so she threw her big fat grandma arm elbow right into my face. And just keep running. Monica Geller: To score the winning touchdown, by the way. Ross Geller: Whoa, whoa, whoa, ho, ho, ho, you did not win the game, the touchdown didn't count, because of the spectacularly illegal, oh and by the way savage nose breaking. Monica Geller: I won the game. Ross Geller: Oh yeah! Then how come you didn't get the Geller Cup? Rachel Green: Um, there was a Geller Cup? Ross Geller: Yes, it was the trophy you got if you won the game. But our Dad said, 'nobody won that game, ' and he was sick of our fighting, so he took the trophy and... threw it in the lake. Chandler Bing: And was the curse lifted? Ross Geller: Anyway. That's when our Mom said we were not to play football ever again. Monica Geller: Y'know what, I think we should play a game. I mean come on, it's been twelve years. Ross Geller: Can I see you for a second? Monica Geller: Once!! Ross Geller: All right, we're gonna play. Chandler Bing: But wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, though, because my Mom won't let me cross the street. Monica Geller: Okay. Let's bring it in. Rachel Green: Wait no, honey, honey throw it to me, throw it to me. Ross Geller: Here you go. Rachel Green: That almost hit me in the face. Joey Tribbiani: All right, we have to pick captains. Chandler Bing: And then Tineals. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so how do we decide that? Monica Geller: Well, why don't we just bunny up. Monica Geller: Okay, looks like Ross and I are captains. Okay, so um, I bunnied first so that means I get to pick first. Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Thank you. Rachel Green: Monica, I'm your best friend. Ross Geller: Sweetie, don't worry you'll get picked. Chandler. Rachel Green: Ross! Monica Geller: Phoebe. Ross Geller: Sweetie, now I pick you. Rachel Green: You don't pick me! You're stuck with me! Ross Geller: Okay. All right. So let's see, let's play from the trash can, to the lightpost. Right. Two hand touch, we'll kick off. Monica Geller: All right people listen, I've got exactly twenty-eight minutes before I have to baste again. Chandler Bing: Wow! Just like in the pros. Monica Geller: Huddle up. Joey Tribbiani: All right, huddle up, right over here. Phoebe Buffay: Wait for me! Wait for me! Wait for me! Oh cool, this is my first huddle. Monica Geller: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so what do you guys really think of Chandler? Monica Geller: Okay, Phoebe you know what you're doing right? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Monica Geller: Okay, Joey's gonna catch it, and you and I are gonna block. Phoebe Buffay: What's block? Monica Geller: Phoebe, I thought you said you know what you're doing? Phoebe Buffay: I thought you meant in life. Monica Geller: Break. Chandler Bing: The ball is Janice. The ball is Janice. Ross Geller: Oww!! Son of a...!! Ow! Come on! Chandler Bing: Sorry. I'm sorry. Y'know what, we're just gonna throw it. Joey Tribbiani: I got it. Phoebe Buffay: Go! Go! Go! Monica Geller: Score!! 7 to nothing! Rachel Green: Are you okay? Ross Geller: Come on, let's go! Monica Geller: Losers walk! Ross Geller: Yeah, losers talk! Chandler Bing: No, no, no, actually losers rhyme. Chandler Bing: Twenty-three!! Seventy-four!! You wanna go shotgun? Ross Geller: Yeah! Chandler Bing: Hike! Rachel Green: Over here! Rachel Green: I almost caught that one! Chandler Bing: Great! Now, the score is 7 to almost 7. Ross Geller: Okay, this play, I want you to do a down and out to the right. Okay. Break! Rachel Green: Wait, what am I gonna do? Ross Geller: You, you go long. Rachel Green: Wait, how long? Ross Geller: Until we start to look very small. Rachel Green: Okay. Ross Geller: Break!! Joey Tribbiani: Set...hike! Ross Geller: One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi, switch! Switch! Switch!! Chandler Bing: No, no, no, no, no! Joey Tribbiani: Haaaaa! Hey-hey, thanks for stopping our ball. Woman: You are playing American football? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Wow, your like from a whole other country. Woman: I'm Dutch. Joey Tribbiani: Hi-hi, I'm Joey. Woman: I'm Margha. Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry Dutch, I didn't get that last little bit. Chandler Bing: Hey Joey, do you wanna play football or you wanna.. Hi, I'm Chandler. Margha: Hello, Chandler. Joey Tribbiani: Her name is Dutch, and also Marklan. Margha: Margha. Joey Tribbiani: Mar-klan. Margha: Mar-gha. Chandler Bing: Mar-haaaan. Monica Geller: Come on guys! Let's go! Come on, it's second down. Ross Geller: Uh, hello, it's third down. Monica Geller: No it's not, it's second. Ross Geller: Wow! Monica Geller: Wow, what? Ross Geller: It just amazes me that your still pulling stuff like this. Monica Geller: Pulling what? It's second down. Ross Geller: Okay, it's second down. Take all the second downs you need. Monica Geller: I heard that! Ross Geller: Well, I said it loud. Margha: It is okay, if I stay and watch? Chandler Bing: Well, that went well. Joey Tribbiani: I think so. Chandler Bing: Y'know, I was thinking about ah, asking her for her number. Joey Tribbiani: Thanks man, but I think it makes a stronger statement if I ask for it myself, y'know. Chandler Bing: Whoa-ho, whoa! No, I was thinking about y'know for me, as a part of that whole getting over Janice thing you were talking about. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah, that. All right, means that much to ya, I'll let you have her. Chandler Bing: Thanks. What, let me have her?! What do mean? Like if you didn't I wouldn't have a shot? Joey Tribbiani: Well I don't like to say it out loud, but, yeah! Don't feel bad man, we all have our strengths. You're better with numbers and stuff. Chandler Bing: Math!! You're giving me math! All right, look y'know what, forget about it, you go for the girl, we'll see who gets her. Ross Geller: Chandler, I want you to run a post pattern to the left, okay. And sweetie.. Rachel Green: Yeah, I know, go long. Y'know, it's like all I'm doing is running back and forth from the huddle. Ross Geller: Well ah, you wanna just stay out there? Rachel Green: Can I see that for second. Ross Geller: Yeah. Ross Geller: Okay. Hut! Hike! Joey Tribbiani: Fumble! Joey Tribbiani: What the hell's the matter with you?! This is my favourite jersey. Chandler Bing: Well now you have two. Hey, I am good at math. Joey Tribbiani: All right, that's it. Y'know I was still gonna let you have her. But now, forget about it. Prepare to feel very bad about yourself. Chandler Bing: Hey! Well, I've been preparing for that my entire life! Or something about you that's mean! Monica Geller: All right, come on guys, let's go! Tie score, and we're runnin' out of time. Forty-two!! Thirty-eight!! Hike! Phoebe Buffay: Oh I got it!! Oh! Ew! Broken boob! Ow! Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs, run! Monica Geller: Run, Phoebe, run! Phoebe Buffay: Touchdown!! Touchdown!! Ross Geller: Uh, hello, the buzzer buzzed. It doesn't count. Monica Geller: After the snap! Ross Geller: Before the snap! Joey Tribbiani: After!! Chandler Bing: Before!! Rachel Green: Now, does it really matter? Everyone: Yes!! Phoebe Buffay: Well, okay, I made a touchdown. It was my first touchdown. So? Ross Geller: Oh Pheebs, that's great. It doesn't count. Monica Geller: Does so count! Ross Geller: Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Monica Geller: Y'know what, that's fine, maybe you haven't grown up, but I have. Ross Geller: Oh-ho, okay. Monica Geller: Dead leg!! Ross Geller: Ow! Ow! Okay, okay, fine, fine! All right, you wanna win by cheating, go ahead, all right. Phoebe the touchdown does count, you win. Phoebe Buffay: Woo-yay!! Monica Geller: No! Listen, I'm not gonna go through this with you again, okay. Just once I wanna beat when you can't blame it on the broken nose, the buzzer, or the fact that you thought you were getting mono. Let's just call this, tie score and it's halftime. Ross Geller: Okay, first of all, I don't play with cheaters, and second of all, you know I had swollen glands!! Monica Geller: Y'know what? I'll think you'll play. Ross Geller: Oh really! Why is that? Monica Geller: Because the winner gets this! Ross Geller: The Geller Cup. Chandler Bing: Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four? Everyone: Yeah. Chandler Bing: Okay, good. Ross Geller: Okay, where in the hell did you get that?! Monica Geller: When Mom and Dad drove you to the hospital to get your nose fixed, I swam into the lake and fished it out. Ross Geller: That cup is mine! Monica Geller: No it's not! You want it, you're gonna have to win it! Rachel Green: All right, so are we not having dinner at all? Monica Geller: Come on Phoebe, let's go! Come on, it's time to get serious, huddle up. Joey, keep your head in the game. Joey Tribbiani: It's hard, y'know, his huddle is closer to Dutch girl. Monica Geller: All right look, if I take Chandler out of the running will you be able to focus? Joey Tribbiani: What are you gonna do? Monica Geller: All right, you just make sure that Chandler catches the ball, I'll take care of the rest. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Monica Geller: Break! Joey Tribbiani: Here you go! Ross Geller: Chandler! Chandler! Chandler Bing: Hi. Monica Geller: Whoa! Whoa!! Tackled by a girl! Bet ya don't see that everyday, do ya? Ross Geller: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's with the tackling? Monica Geller: What?! I just touched him and he went over. Ross Geller: Okay, you wanna play rough, we can play rough. Phoebe Buffay: I love this game!! Ross Geller: Hey, where'd you get that? Rachel Green: I went really long. Monica Geller: Forty-two to twenty-one! Like the turkey, Ross is done! Ross Geller: It's no surprise that your winning, 'cause you got to pick first, so you got the better team. Monica Geller: You're so pathetic! Why can't you just accept it, we're winning because I'm better than you. Monica Geller: Oh, what a great argument, exhaling! All right, y'know what, I'll prove it to you, okay. I'll trade you Joey for Rachel, and I'll still win the game. Ross Geller: What?! The guys against the girls? See, that's ridiculous Monica, because I'm only down by three touchdowns. Monica Geller: Oh, then bring it on! Oh, unless of course your afraid you might lose to a bunch of girls. Ross Geller: Fine, fine, Rachel your with Monica, Joey you're with me. Rachel Green: I can not believe your trading me!! Monica Geller: Come on Rach, come on. Let's see what's it like to be on a winning team for a change. Rachel Green: Are you gonna let me play? Monica Geller: All right then. Margha: The game is over, we eat now? Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no, the game's not over, we're just switching teams. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, Chandler finds me so intimdating that it's better if we're on the same team. Ross Geller: Right. Okay, let's play. Let's go. Chandler Bing: No ah, hold on a second Joe, where do Dutch people come from? Joey Tribbiani: Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come from Pennsylvania. Chandler Bing: And the other ah, Dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the Netherlands, right? Joey Tribbiani: Nice try. See the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from. Margha: Oh, my. Ross Geller: Enough with geography for the insane, okay? Let's play some ball, guys. Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, whoa, no, no, I-I'm not playing with this guy, now. Chandler Bing: Fine with me. Ross Geller: Okay, y'know what, let's just cut to the chase here. Okay? Heidi, which of my boys do you like? Margha: Which do I like? Ross Geller: Yeah, y'know for dating, general merriment, taking back to your windmill... Margha: Well, if I had to chose right now, which by the way I find really weird, I would have to say, Chandler. Chandler Bing: Yes!! Joey Tribbiani: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! She obviously didn't understand the question. Chandler Bing: Well, you don't you have Captain Hook explain it to her. Margha: I'm sorry, Joey, that is my chose. Chandler Bing: You hear that! That is her chose, mister I'll let you have her! I win! You suck! I rule all! A mini-wave in celebration of me!! Margha: I'm now thinking I would like to change my answer to, no one. Chandler Bing: Wh-what? Margha: I now find you shallow and um, a dork. All right, bye. Joey Tribbiani: Nice going. You just saved yourself a couple months of sex. Chandler Bing: Y'know what, it doesn't matter, 'cause she picked me. Me! From now on I get the dates and you have to stay home on Saturday nights watching Ready, Set, Cook! Ross Geller: Save the breakthroughs for therapy, okay. The clock is ticking. We have no time, and we are losing, we are losing to girls. Chandler Bing: We're not gonna lose to girls. Ross Geller: Hey! It's 42-21! Joey Tribbiani: This sucks, I was just up by that much! Monica Geller: Are we playing football or what? Come on you hairy-backed Marries. Monica Geller: We have to do this. We are playing for women everywhere. Okay, just think about every lousy date that you ever had, okay, every guy who kept on the TV while you're making out... Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! You dated someone with a glass eye too?! Monica Geller: Come on, okay, come on this is for all womankind. Let's kill 'um! Rachel Green: Yeah!!! Kill 'um!!! Phoebe Buffay: All right, no, well I want to kill them to, but their boys, y'know how are we gonna beat three boys? Monica Geller: All right, we still have a minute and a half to go, and we're down by two points. Two points... Phoebe you do a button-hook again. Rachel, you go long. Rachel Green: No! Come on! Don't make me go long. Use me. They never cover me. Monica Geller: Honey, there's a reason. Rachel Green: God, I'm not lame, okay. I can do something. I can throw, would you let me throw, come on this is my game too. Phoebe Buffay: Come on Mon, let her throw the ball. Monica Geller: All right Rachel, you sweep behind, I'll pitch it to you, you throw it down field to Phoebe. All right. Break. Rachel Green: Thank you! Break! Monica Geller: Thirty-two! Seventy-one! Hike! The Guys: One-Mississippi! Two-Mississippi! Three-Mississippi! Rachel Green: I'm so sorry! Are you okay? Monica Geller: No! I'm not okay! Rachel Green: I'm sorry, they were just all coming at me, and I didn't know what to do. Joey Tribbiani: Thirty seconds left on the timer! Chandler Bing: Okay, okay, so we get to take that stupid troll thing home! Monica Geller: Come on! Come on! Hurry! We're running out of time! Huddle up! Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Oooh! Oh, this is our last huddle, yeah. Monica Geller: All right, Phoebe get open. Rachel, go long. Rachel Green: Okay. Monica Geller: Break! Rachel Green: I got a touchdown! We did it!! Chandler Bing: Hey-hey-hey Rachel, funny thing. Actually, the ah, end zone starts at that pole, so you're five feet short, so we win! Phoebe Buffay: Wait-wait-wait-wait! So, explain something to me though, if, if nobody tagged Rachel, then isn't the play still going. Ross Geller: Let go! Let go! Monica Geller: Let go! I'm a tiny little woman!! Chandler Bing: Guys! Guys! Come on! It's Thanksgiving, it's not important who wins or loses. The important thing is, the Dutch girl picked me! Me! Not you! Holland loves Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!! Monica Geller: Ow!! Rachel Green: We should defiantly play football more often. Maybe there's a like league we could join or something. Phoebe Buffay: Isn't there a national football league. Chandler Bing: Yes. Yes, there is, they play on Sundays and Monday nights. Rachel Green: Oh shoot! I work Monday nights. Phoebe Buffay: Umm, this stuffing is amazing. Do you think we should bring them some? Joey Tribbiani: When they're hungry enough, they'll come in. Monica Geller: Let go! Ross Geller: No! You let go! Monica Geller: No! Ross Geller: How come it's always us left in the field holding the ball? Monica Geller: I don't know. I guess the other people just don't care enough. Ross Geller: Hey! It's starting to snow. Ross Geller: Gimme the this! Monica Geller: Let go!
Chandler Bing: Eh..., I don't, I don't know. Rachel Green: What? Chandler Bing: Well, as old as he is in dog years, do you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly this thing? Gunther: Rachel? Rachel Green: Yeah. Gunther: Do you remember when you first came here, how you spent two weeks getting trained by another waitress? Rachel Green: Oh, sure! Do you need me to train somebody new? Gunther: Good one. Actually, ah, Terry wants you to take the training again, whenever. Rachel Green: Eh, do you believe that? Chandler Bing: Yeah? Sarah Tuttle: So that's two boxes of the Holiday Macaroons. On behalf of the Brown Birds of America, I salute you. Ross Geller: Just admit it Chandler, you have no backhand. Chandler Bing: Excuse me little one, I have a very solid backhand. Ross Geller: Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl... is not a backhand. Chandler Bing: I was shrieking... like a Marine. Ross Geller: All right here. Watch me execute the three 'P's of championship play. Power. Precision. and penache. Monica Geller: You broke a little girl's leg?!! Ross Geller: I know. I feel horrible. Okay. Chandler Bing: Says here that a muppet got whacked on Seasame Street last night. Where exactly were around ten-ish? Ross Geller: Well, I'm gonna go see her. I want to bring her something, what do you think she'll like? Monica Geller: Maybe a Hello Kitty doll, the ability to walk... Rachel Green: I'm gonna get back to retraining. Ross Geller: All right, see you guys. Chandler Bing: Look out kids, he's coming! Joey Tribbiani: And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees. Phoebe Buffay: Have fun. Oh wait, no, don't! I forgot I am totally against that now. Joey Tribbiani: What? Me having a job? Phoebe Buffay: No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights. Hey, how do you sleep at night? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I'm pretty tired from lugging the trees around all day. Hey, Phoebe listen, you got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas trees, their fulfilling their life purpose, by, by making people happy. Phoebe Buffay: Really? Chandler Bing: Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, it's the only chance to see New York. Gunther: ...and after you've delivered the drinks, you take the empty tray... Rachel Green: Gunther, Gunther, please, I've worked here for two and a half years, I know the empty trays go over there. Gunther: What if you put them here. Rachel Green: Huh. Well, y'know that's actually a really good idea, because that way they'll be closer to the mugs. Y'know what, you should have the other waitresses do that too. Gunther: They already do. That's why they call it the 'tray spot.' Rachel Green: Gee, I always heard them talk about that, I just always thought that it was a club they went to. Oh God, I'm, I'm sorry. Gunther: It's all right. Sweetheart. Ross Geller: So, this must be kinda neat for ya, huh? I mean, your Dad tells me that you get a couple of days off school, and you, you ah, don't have to sell those cookies anymore. Sarah Tuttle: Well, I kinda wanted to sell the cookies. The girl who sells the most wins a trip to Spacecamp, and gets to sit in a real space shuttle. Ross Geller: Wow, you ah, you really like all this space stuff, huh? Sarah Tuttle: Yeah. My Dad says if I spend as much time helping him clean apartments, as I do daydreaming about outer space, he'd be able to afford a trip to the Taj Mahal. Ross Geller: I think you would have to clean a whole lot of apartments to go all the way to India. Sarah Tuttle: No. The one in Atlantic City, Dad loves the slots. He says he's gonna double the college money my Grandma left me. Ross Geller: Huh. Well, good luck to Dad. Say, how many more boxes would you have to sell in order to win? Sarah Tuttle: The girl who won last year sold four hundred and seventy-five. Ross Geller: Yeah. Sarah Tuttle: So far, I've sold seventy-five. Ross Geller: Four hundred, huh? Well, that sounds do-able. How much are the boxes? Sarah Tuttle: Five dollars a box. Ross Geller: And what is second prize? Sarah Tuttle: A ten speed bike. But, I'd rather have something my Dad couldn't sell. Ross Geller: Well, that makes sense. Sarah Tuttle: Could you do me one favor, if it's not too much trouble? Ross Geller: Yeah, Sarah, anything. Sarah Tuttle: Could you pull open the curtains for me? The astronauts from the space shuttle are gonna be on the news, and since we don't have a TV, the lady across the alley said she'd push hers up to a window, so I could watch it. Woman: Yesss? Ross Geller: Hi, I'm selling Brown Bird cookies. Woman: You're no Brown Bird, I can see you through my peephole. Ross Geller: No, hi, I'm, I'm an honorary Brown Bird Woman: What does that mean? Ross Geller: Ah, well, it means that I can sell cookies, but I'm not invited to sleep-overs. Woman: I can dial 9-1-1 at the touch of a button, y'know. Now, go away! Ross Geller: No, please, please, um, it's for a poor little girl who wants to go to Spacecamp more than anything in the world. Woman: I'm pressing, a policeman is on his way. Ross Geller: Okay, okay! I'm going. I'm going. Woman: I can still see you! Ross Geller: All right!! Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. What, what are you doing here? Phoebe Buffay: Well, I-I thought a lot about what you said, and um, I realilized duh, all right maybe I was a little judgmental. Yeah, oh, but oh... Joey Tribbiani: Look now, Phoebe remember, hey, their just fulfilling their Christmas... Phoebe Buffay: Destiny. Joey Tribbiani: Sure. Phoebe Buffay: Yes. Joey Tribbiani: All right. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Yikes! That one doesn't look very fulfilled. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, that's, that's ah, one of the old ones, he's just taking it to the back. Phoebe Buffay: You keep the old ones in the back, that is so ageist. Joey Tribbiani: Well we have to make room for the fresh ones. Phoebe Buffay: So, what happens to the old guys? Joey Tribbiani: Well, they go into the chipper. Phoebe Buffay: Why, do I have a feeling that's not as happy as it sounds? No! Nooooo!!! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Hey!! Ross Geller: ...and these come in the shapes of your favourite Christmas characters, Santa, Rudolph, and Baby Jesus. Joey Tribbiani: All right, I'll take a box of the cream filled Jesus's. Ross Geller: Wait a minute, one box! Come on, I'm trying to send a little girl to Spacecamp, I'm putting you down for five boxes. Chandler, what about you? Chandler Bing: Ahh, do you have any coconut flavoured deities? Ross Geller: No, but ah, there's coconut in the Hanukkah Menoreoes. I tell you what, I'll put you down for eight boxes, one for each night. Ross Geller: Mon? Monica Geller: All right, I'll take one box of the mint treasures, just one, and that's it. I-I started gaining weight after I joined the Brown Birds. Remember, how Dad bought all my boxes and I ate them all? Ross Geller: Ah, no Mon, Dad had to buy everyone of your boxes because you ate them all. But ah, y'know I'm sure that's not gonna happen this time, why don't I put you down for three of the mint treasures and just a couple of the Rudolph's. Monica Geller: No. Ross Geller: Oh, come on, now you know you want 'em. Monica Geller: Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't do this. Ross Geller: I'll tell you what Mon, I'll give you the first box for free. Monica Geller: Oh God! I gotta go! Ross Geller: Come on! All the cool kids are eating 'em! Gunther: And when you have a second later, I wanna show you why we don't just trap spiders under coffee mugs and leave them there. Rachel Green: I'm training to be better at a job that I hate, my life officially sucks. Joey Tribbiani: Look Rach, wasn't this supposed to a temporary thing? I thought you wanted to do fashion stuff? Rachel Green: Well, yeah! I'm still pursuing that. Chandler Bing: How... exactly are you pursuing that? Y'know other than sending out resumes like what, two years ago? Rachel Green: Well, I'm also sending out... good thoughts. Joey Tribbiani: If you ask me, as long as you got this job, you've got nothing pushing you to get another one. You need the fear. Rachel Green: The fear? Chandler Bing: He's right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want. Rachel Green: Well then how come you're still at a job that you hate, I mean why don't you quit and get 'the fear'? Chandler Bing: Because, I'm too afraid. Rachel Green: I don't know, I mean I would give anything to work for a designer, y'know, or a buyer... Oh, I just don't want to be 30 and still work here. Chandler Bing: Yeah, that'd be much worse than being 28, and still working here. Gunther: Rachel? Rachel Green: Yeah. Gunther: Remind me to review with you which pot is decaf and which is regular. Rachel Green: Can't I just look at the handles on them? Gunther: You would think. Rachel Green: Okay, fine. Gunther, y'know what, I am a terrible waitress, do you know why I'm a terrible waitress? Because, I don't care. I don't care. I don't care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf, I don't care where the tray spot is, I just don't care, this is not what I want to do. So I don't think I should do it anymore. I'm gonna give you my weeks notice. Gunther: What?! Rachel Green: Gunther, I quit. Chandler Bing: Does this mean we're gonna have to start paying for coffee? Ross Geller: ...and 12, 22, 18, four... What? Chandler Bing: I spelled out boobies. Monica Geller: Ross, but me down for another box of the mint treasures, okay. Where, where are the mint treasures? Ross Geller: Ah, we're out. I sold them all. Monica Geller: What? Ross Geller: Monica, I'm cutting you off. Monica Geller: No. No, just, just, just a couple more boxes. It-it-it's no big deal, all right, I'm-I'm cool. You gotta help me out with a couple more boxes! Ross Geller: Mon, look at yourself. You have cookie on your neck. Monica Geller: Oh God! Chandler Bing: So, how many have you sold so far? Ross Geller: Check this out. Five hundred and seventeen boxes! Chandler Bing: Oh my God, how did you do that? Ross Geller: Okay, the other night I was leaving the museum just as 'Laser Floyd' was letting out of the planetarium, without even trying I sold 50 boxes! That's when it occurred to me, the key to my success, 'The Munchies.' So I ah, started hitting the new dorms around midnight. I am selling cookies by the case. They call me 'Cookie Dude!' Rachel Green: Okay, stop what you're doing, I need envelope stuffers, I need stamp lickers... Ross Geller: Well hey, who did these resumes for ya? Chandler Bing: Me! On my computer. Ross Geller: Well you sure used a large font. Chandler Bing: Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee shop and cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room. Rachel Green: Hey-hey-hey that's funny! Your funny Chandler! Your a funny guy! You wanna know what else is really funny?! Chandler Bing: Something else I might have said? Rachel Green: I don't know, I don't know, weren't you the guy that told me to quit my job when I had absolutely nothing else to do. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!! Ross Geller: Sweetie, calm down, it's gonna be okay. Rachel Green: No, it's not gonna be okay Ross, tomorrow is my last day, and I don't have a lead. Okay, y'know what, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna call Gunther and I'm gonna tell him, I'm not quitting. Chandler Bing: You-you-you don't wanna give into the fear. Rachel Green: You and your stupid fear. I hate your fear. I would like to take you and your fear... Joey Tribbiani: Hey! I got great news! Chandler Bing: Run, Joey! Run for your life! Joey Tribbiani: What? Rachel, listen, have you ever heard of Fortunata Fashions? Rachel Green: No. Joey Tribbiani: Well my old man is doing a plumbing job down there and he heard they have an opening. So, you want me to see if I can get you an interview? Rachel Green: Oh my God! Yes, I would love that, oh, that is soo sweet, Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Not a problem. Rachel Green: Thanks. Joey Tribbiani: And now for the great news. Ross Geller: What, that wasn't the great news? Joey Tribbiani: Only if you think it's better than this... snow-in-a-can!! I got it at work. Mon, you want me to decorate the window, give it a kind of Christmas lookie. Monica Geller: Christmas cookie? Joey Tribbiani: Okay, and ah, this one here is a Douglas Fir, now it's a little more money, but you get a nicer smell. Guy: Looks good. I'll take it. Phoebe Buffay: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, you don't want that one. No, you can have this cool brown one. Guy: It's-it's-it's almost dead! Phoebe Buffay: Okay but that's why you have to buy it, so it can fulfil it's Christmas destiny, otherwise there gonna throw it into the chipper. Tell him, Joey Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, the ah, trees that don't fulfil their Christmas destiny are thrown in the chipper. Guy: I-I think I'm gonna look around a little bit more. Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs, you gotta stop this, I working on commission here. Monica Geller: Hey, guys. I'm here to pick out my Christmas tree. Phoebe Buffay: Well look no further, this one's yours! Ahhh. Monica Geller: Is this the one that I threw out last year? Phoebe Buffay: All right y'know what, nevermind! Everyone wants to have a green one! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get so emotional, I guess it's just the holidays, it's hard. Monica Geller: Oh honey, is that 'cause your Mom died around Christmas? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that. Monica Geller: Oh. Ross Geller: Hi there. How many, how many ah, did you sell? Girl: I'm not gonna tell you! You're the bad man who broke Sarah's leg. Ross Geller: Hey now! That was an accident, okay. Girl: You're a big scrud. Ross Geller: What's a scrud? Girl: Why don't you look in the mirror, scrud. Ross Geller: I don't have too. I can just look at you. Leader: All right girls, and man. Let's see your final tallies. Ohhhh, Debbie, 321 boxes of cookies, Very nice. Ross Geller: Not nice enough. Leader: Charla, 278. Sorry, dear, but still good. Ross Geller: Good for a scrud. Leader: Oh, yes Elizabeth. Ah, 871. Ross Geller: That's crap!! Sister Brown Bird. Good going. Leader: Who's next? Ross Geller: Hi there! Leader: Hi. And batting for Sarah, Ross Geller, 872. Although, it looks like you bought an awful lot of cookies yourself. Ross Geller: Um, that is because my doctor says that I have a very serious... nuget... diffency. Chandler Bing: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross. Ross Geller: Well, I lost. Some little girl loaned her uniform to her nineteen year old sister, who went down to the U.S.S. Nimitz, and sold over 2,000 boxes. Chandler Bing: Hey! How'd the interview go? Rachel Green: Oh, I blew it. I wouldn't of even hired me. Ross Geller: Oh, come here sweetie, listen, you're gonna go on like a thousand interviews before you get a job. That's not how that was supposed to come out. Phoebe Buffay: This is the worst Christmas ever. Chandler Bing: Y'know what Rach, maybe you should just, y'know stay here at the coffee house. Rachel Green: I can't! It's too late! Terry already hired that girl over there. Look at her, she's even got waitress experience. Last night she was teaching everybody how to make napkin... swans. Ross Geller: That word was swans. Chandler Bing: Well seeing that drunk Santa wet himself, really perked up my Christmas. Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Oh my God! Phoebe Buffay: You saved them! You guys! Oh God, you're the best! Chandler Bing: It's like 'Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees.' Rachel Green: Hello? Yeah, this is she. Oh! You're kidding! You're kidding! Oh thank you! I love you! Chandler Bing: Sure, everybody loves a kidder. Rachel Green: I got the job! Everyone: That's great! Hey! Excellent! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, God bless us, everyone. Rachel Green: Here we go. I'm serving my last cup of coffee. There you go. Enjoy. Chandler Bing: Should I tell her I ordered tea? Ross Geller: No. Rachel Green: Um, excuse me, everyone. Ah, this is my last night working here, and I ah, just wanted say that I made some really good friends working here, and ah, it's just time to move on. Ah, and no offence to everybody who ah, still works here, you have no idea how good it feels to say that as of this moment I will never have to make coffee again. Rachel's Boss: Now Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his coffee strong, so your gonna use two bags instead of one, see. Now pay attention, 'cause this part's tricky, see some people use filters just once. Ross Geller: I'm, I'm sorry you didn't get to go to Spacecamp, and I'm hoping that maybe somehow, this may make up for it. Presenting Sarah Tuttle's Private Very Special Spacecamp!! Sarah Tuttle: Really Mr. Geller, you don't have to do this. Ross Geller: Oh come on! Here we go! Stand by for mission countdown! Joey Tribbiani: Ten, ten.., nine, nine, nine..., eight, eight, eight... Okay, Blast off! Chandler Bing: I'm an alien. I'm an alien. Ross Geller: Oh no! An asteroid!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, pick a card, any card. All right, now memorize it. Show to everybody. Got it? Monica Geller: Um-mm. Joey Tribbiani: All right, give it back to me. 5 of hearts. Ross Geller: Real magic does exist. Rachel Green: Wow. Monica Geller: Wow. Joey, how do you do it? Joey Tribbiani: I can't tell you that, no. Ross Geller: Ah, somebody's at the door on the ceiling. Rachel Green: Noo, that's our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor. Monica Geller: He took up the carpet, and now you can hear everything. Phoebe Buffay: Why don't you go up there and ask him to 'step lightly, please?' Monica Geller: I have like five times, but the guy is so charming, that I go up there to yell and then I end up apologizing to him. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, that is silly. I'll go up there, I'll tell him to keep it down. Monica Geller: All right, be my guest. Rachel Green: Good luck. Joey Tribbiani: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, you really wanna know how I did it, I'll show ya. When you handed me back the card, what you didn't see was, I looked at it so fast that it was invisible to the naked eye. I just did it. I just did it, again. Here, I'll slow it down so that you guys can see it. Everyone: Oh, I got it. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, look I was with my friend downstairs and we hear everything up here that you do, and I am sick and tired... . Guy: Whoa, you are very beautiful. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, thank you. Chandler Bing: Hey, anybody got a length of rope about six feet long with a little nouse at the end? Monica Geller: Honey, what's the matter? Chandler Bing: I just saw Janice. Everyone: Oh. Chandler Bing: Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kid's pretzel at them. Joey Tribbiani: Man, I remember the first time I saw that girl Katherine, after we broke up. She was just walking with her friend Donna, just laughing and talking. God, it killed me. Chandler Bing: Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon. Joey Tribbiani: Sorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story y'know... Ross Geller: Hey Chandler, there's a party tomorrow, you'll feel better then. Chandler Bing: Oh, y'know what, I'm gonna be okay, you don't have to throw a party for me. Monica Geller: It's Joey's birthday. Chandler Bing: Oh, well then, if anybody should have a party it should be him. Monica Geller: Sush!! I cannot believe she is still up there. Chandler Bing: Okay, well he totally screwed up the punch line. Y'know, it's supposed to be arrghh-eh og-errigh. Mr. Kaplan: How's that coffee comin,' dear? Rachel Green: Yeah, right away Mr. Kaplan. Mr. Kaplan: I'm not supposed to drink coffee, it makes me gassy. Rachel Green: I know! Mr. Kaplan: I'll bet your thinking, 'What's an intelligent girl who wants to be in fashion, doing making coffee?' Eh? Rachel Green: Op. Mr. Kaplan: Eh. Rachel Green: Oh, you got me. Mr. Kaplan: Well, don't think I haven't noticed your potential. Well, I've got a project for you that's a lot more related to fashion. How does that sound? Rachel Green: Oh, that sounds great. Mr. Kaplan: Come on over here, sweetheart. Rachel Green: Oh thank you so much Mr. Kaplan, thank you so much. Mr. Kaplan: I need these hangers separated ASAP. You're welcome. Rachel Green: Oh God, I hate my job, I hate it, I hate my job, I hate it. Monica Geller: I know honey, I'm sorry. Rachel Green: Oh, I wanna quit, but then I think I should stick it out, then I think why would such a person stay in such a demeaning job, just because it's remotely related to the field they're interested in. Monica Geller: Gee, I don't know Rach. Order up!! I got a Yentel soup, a James Beans, and a Howdy hold the Dowdy! Rachel Green: Oh honey, come on, I'm sorry, I didn't... I don't mind paying my dues, y'know, its just how much am I gonna learn about fashion by walking Mira, the arthritic seamstress, to the bathroom. Rachel Green: Hi! Is my misery amusing to you? Guy: I'm sorry, I wa, I wa, I was just ah... Rachel Green: It's not funny, this is actually my job. Guy: Oh believe me, I-I-I've been there. I had to sort mannequin heads at that Mannequins Plus. Rachel Green: Oh well then, so I'm just going to go back to talking to my friend here. And you can go back to enjoying your little hamburger. Guy: Ah, just one other thing. Rachel Green: Yes?! Guy: I ah, I work at Bloomingdale's and I might know of a job possibility if your, if your interested? Rachel Green: Do you want my pickle? Gunther: Hey guys. Monica Geller: Hey Gunther. Hi. I mean you're going out on a date with the noisy guy upstairs? Phoebe Buffay: Well, he's very charming. Monica Geller: I know, he's too charming, but if you two start going out, then it's just gonna make it so much harder for me to hate him. Phoebe Buffay: Well, you're just gonna have to try. Monica Geller: Joey, where are the Jell-o shots? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know, Chandler is supposed to be passin' 'em around... Joey Tribbiani: Chandler! Chandler Bing: Hello-dillillio!! Ross Geller: Oh, somebody's feeling better. Monica Geller: Stick out your tongue. Chandler Bing: Take off your shirt! Monica Geller: Oh my!! Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God! How many of these things did you have? These are pure vodka. Chandler Bing: Yeah, Jell-o just like Mom used to make. Rachel Green: The most unbelievable thing happened to me today. Ross Geller: Hi! Rachel Green: Hi! So I'm out having lunch at Monica's and this guy starts talking to me, and it turns out he works for a buyer at Bloomingdale's and there happens to be an opening in his department. So I gave him my phone number and he's gonna call me this weekend to see if he can get me an interview! Ross Geller: Wow! Rachel Green: I know! Ross Geller: What, so this guy is helping you for no apparent reason? Rachel Green: Uh-huh! Ross Geller: And he's, he's a total stranger? Rachel Green: Yeah! His name is um, Mark something. Ross Geller: Huh. Sounds like Mark Something wants to have some sex. Rachel Green: What!? Ross Geller: Well, I'm just saying, I mean why else would he just, y'know, swoop in out of nowhere for no reason. Rachel Green: To be nice. Ross Geller: Hey, Joey. Are men ever nice to strange women for no reason? Joey Tribbiani: No, only for sex. Ross Geller: Thank you. So did you ah, did you tell Mark Something about me? Rachel Green: I didn't have to, because I was wearing my 'I heart Ross' sandwich board and ringing my bell. Ross Geller: Uh-huh. Joey's Sisters: Joey!!! Happy Birthday!! Joey Tribbiani: Hey!! Hey-hey-hey! Chandler Bing: Okay, how many of that girl are you seeing? Monica Geller: How hammered are you? Huh? These, these are Joey's sisters. Chandler Bing: Hi Joey's sisters! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Cookie Tribbiani: Hey. What are we drinkin' over here. Phoebe Buffay: Well, I have ah, vodka and cranberry juice. Cookie Tribbiani: No kiddin,' that's the exact same drink I made myself right after I shot my husband. Phoebe Buffay: Wow. Okay, I don't know how to talk to you. Sister 1: What 'cha doing? Chandler Bing: Oh, I'm taking my ex-girlfriend of my speed dialer. Joey's Sisters: Oh!! Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no, no, it's a good thing. Why must we dial so speedily anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why can't we savor the precious moments? Those are some huge breasts you have. Ross Geller: Hi. Monica Geller: Hi. Ross Geller: Yeah. So um, I-I heard about this ah, Mark guy that ah, Rachel met today. Monica Geller: Isn't that great? Ross Geller: Oh yeah! So ah, kinda pretty, pretty good. He sounds like a nice, good guy. Monica Geller: Oh, he is. And he is so dreamy. I mean, y'know what, when he left I actually used the phrase, 'Hummina-hummina-hummina.' Ross Geller: That's excellent. Ross Geller: So, he's just a nice guy. You really think this Mark doesn't want anything in exchange for helping him? Rachel Green: Well, I assume I'll have to take showers with him, but y'know, that's true of any job. Monica Geller: How ya feelin'? Chandler Bing: Well, my apartment isn't there anymore, because I drank it. Phoebe Buffay: Where'd you get too? We lost you after you opened up all the presents. Ross Geller: Yeah. Chandler Bing: Yeah, I ended up in the storage room, and not alone. Everyone: Woooo hoooo!!! Chandler Bing: Ow, no 'woo-hooing,' no 'woo-hooing.' Phoebe Buffay: Why, what happened? Chandler Bing: Ah, I fooled around with Joey's sister. Well, that's not the worst part. Monica Geller: What is the worse part? Chandler Bing: I can't remember which sister. Ross Geller: You see what men do! Don't tell me men are not nice! This is men!! Monica Geller: Are you insane? I mean Joey, is going to kill you, he's actually going to kill you dead. Chandler Bing: Okay! You don't think I thought of that? Phoebe Buffay: How can you not know which one? Rachel Green: I mean that's unbelievable. Monica Geller: I mean, was it Gina? Ross Geller: Which one is Gina? Rachel Green: Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings. Monica Geller: No, no, no, that's Dina. Chandler Bing: You see you can't tell which one is which either, dwha!! Phoebe Buffay: We didn't fool around with any of them. Dwha! Dwha! Chandler Bing: Veronica. Look, it's got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat. Monica Geller: That was me. Chandler Bing: Look, when I've been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and I'm sorry. Monica Geller: That's okay. Rachel Green: That's all right. Ross Geller: That's okay. Joey Tribbiani: Can I talk to you for a second?! Ross Geller: Hey, Joey. Rachel Green: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Come on!! Chandler Bing: Why can't we talk in here? With, with, witnesses. Joey Tribbiani: I just got off the phone with my sister. Ross Geller: Ah, which, which one? Joey Tribbiani: Mary-Angela. Ross Geller: Mary-Angela. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Monica Geller: Y'know which one was she again? Joey Tribbiani: Why don't you ask Chandler, 'cause he's the one that fooled around with her. She told me you said you could really fall for her. Now is that true? Or are you just gettin' over Janice by groping my sister. Chandler Bing: It's gotta be the first one. Joey Tribbiani: Really? That's great! You and my sister, sittin' in a tree. Chandler Bing: Yep, I'm in a tree. Rachel Green: Did he call? Did Mark call? Monica Geller: No honey, I'm sorry, but the weekend's not over yet. Rachel Green: Oh. Oh my God, is that Phoebe? Monica Geller: I guess they're back from their date. Rachel Green: Music. Very nice. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Rachel Green: So, how are you? Monica Geller: I am good. I finished my book. Rachel Green: Oh yeah, what's it about? Monica Geller: I don't remember. Do you wanna take a walk? Rachel Green: Yeah, I do. Ross Geller: Dear Mary-Angela. Hi. How's it going. This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. What the hell's a matter with you? How do you think Joey's going to react when he finds out that you blew off his sister with a letter? Chandler Bing: Well, that's the part where you tell him that I moved to France. When actually I'll be in Cuba. Ross Geller: All right, look, look, you've got to do this yourself, okay in person. At least you know her name. You just go to the house and you ask for Mary-Angela, okay, when which ever one she is comes to the door, you take her for a walk, you let her down easy. Chandler Bing: What if Mary-Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary-Angela? Ross Geller: Where in Cuba? Chandler Bing: Joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what are you doing here? Joey Tribbiani: Waiting for my Grandma to finish my laundry. What about you? Chandler Bing: I'm here to see Mary-Angela. Joey Tribbiani: You are so the man! Now look, listen, listen, you got to be cool, 'cause my Grandma doesn't know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her off. She was like the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body. Yeah. Chandler Bing: Where's Mary-Angela? Joey Tribbiani: She's right in there. Joey's Sisters: Hey, Chandler! Rachel Green: I can't believe Mark didn't call. It's Sunday night, and he didn't call. Ross Geller: Bummer. Rachel Green: Yeah, right. Look at you, you're practically giddy. Ross Geller: No, I'm genuinely sorry the Mark thing didn't work out. Look, Rach, I want only good things for you. Monica Geller: Wait a minute, why don't you just call Mark. I mean, who says you have to sit here and wait for him, you've got to make stuff happen. Ross Geller: But, you, you don't want to seem too pushy. Monica Geller: Honey, it's not pushy, he gave her his home number. Ross Geller: What, he gave you his home number? As in like, to, to his home? Rachel Green: Yeah, and you don't mind if I call, because you only want good things for me. Ross Geller: That's right good things, that-that is what I said. Rachel Green: Hello, Mark? Hi, it's Rachel Green. Oh no, don't you apologize. Yeah, I'll hold. He left my number at work, but he was helping his niece with her report on the pioneers. Ross Geller: That is so made up! Rachel Green: Yeah, oh my God, tomorrow! That, no, it's perfect. Oh God, thank you soo much. Great! Bye! I got the interview! Monica Geller: Yay! Ross Geller: There you go. Rachel Green: He even offered to meet me for lunch tomorrow to prep me for it. Monica Geller: Oh, that is amazing! Ross Geller: Yeah well, if I know Mark, and I think I do, I'd expect nothing less. Rachel Green: I got to figure out what I'm going to wear. Ross Geller: High collar and baggy pants say I'm a pro. Rachel Green: Yeah! Right! Okay, I'll see you guys later. Woo hoo! Ross Geller: You go get 'em. What did I do to you? Did I hurt you in some way? Monica Geller: What? Ross Geller: 'Why don't you call him?!' Well, thank you very much! Y'know now he is going to prep her, y'know prep her, as in what you do when you surgically remove the boyfriend! Monica Geller: Are you crazy?! Ross Geller: Am I! Am I! Am I out of my mind! Am I losing my senses!! This dreamy guy is taking my girlfriend out for a meal. Monica Geller: What?! Ross y'know this isn't even about you! I mean this is about Rachel and something wonderful happening for her. I mean you know even if you're right, what if he wants to sleep with her, does it mean he gets too? Ross Geller: No. Monica Geller: I mean don't you trust her? Ross Geller: Well, yeah! Monica Geller: Then get over yourself! Grow up! Ross Geller: You grow up. Chandler Bing: This teramisu is, is excellent. Did you make it Mary-Angela? Joey's Grandmother: No! I did! Chandler Bing: Well, it's, it's yummy. So Mary-Angela do you like it? Joey's Grandmother: Of course! It's her favorite. Chandler Bing: So um, Mary-Angela, what's your second favorite? Joey's Grandmother: More of Grandma's teramisu. Chandler Bing: Would you just please...give me the receipt 'cause this is great. It's top notch. Joey's Grandmother: That dies with me. Chandler Bing: So will I. Joey's Sister: Excuse yourself, and go to the bathroom. Chandler Bing: Oh no-no-no I was just squinting. That doesn't mean anything. Joey's Sister: Just do it. Chandler Bing: Will you excuse me I have to um... Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey's Sister: Finally, I thought we'd never be alone. Can I just tell you something, I have not stopped thinking about you since the party. Chandler Bing: Look, I may have jumped the gun here. Um, I just got out of a relationship and I'm not really in a, in a commitment kind of place. Joey's Sister: So! Me neither! God, Mary-Angela was right you do have the softest lips. Chandler Bing: Ahhhh, you're not Mary-Angela. Joey's Sister: No, I'm Mary-Theresa. Chandler Bing: This is so bad. If-if you're not Mary-Angela, then-then who is? Mary-Angela: I am! Chandler Bing: Oh, this is soo bad. Mary-Angela: Joey!!! Chandler Bing: No Joey! No Joey! Don't Joey! Joey! Joey Tribbiani: What's goin' on? Chandler Bing: You're it! Now run and hide! Mary-Theresa: It's no big deal. Chandler was just kissin' me because he thought I was Mary-Angela. Joey Tribbiani: What?! How could you do that, how could you think she was Mary-Angela? Chandler Bing: I wasn't sure which one Mary-Angela was. Look, I'm sorry okay, I was really drunk, and you all look really similar. Joey's Sister: I say, punch him Joey. Everyone: Yeah! Punch him!! Chandler Bing: Y'know what, we should all calm down because your brother's not going to punch me. Are ya? Joey Tribbiani: Well, that is usually what I would do. But I just never thought you'd be on the receiving end of it. How could you do this?! Chandler Bing: Joey if you wanna punch me, go ahead, I deserve it. But I just want you to know that I would never soberly hurt you or your family, you're my best friend. I would never do anything like this ever again. Cookie Tribbiani: So what. I say, punch him. Everyone: Yeah! Punch him! Punch him! Joey Tribbiani: No! No! No! No, I'm not going to punch Chandler. Cookie Tribbiani: I'll do it. Joey Tribbiani: No you won't. Look he knows he did a terrible thing and I believe him, he's sorry. But, you've got one more apology to make, all right, you've got to apologize to Mary-Angela. Chandler Bing: Okay, absolutely! Joey Tribbiani: All right. Chandler Bing: You've got it. Joey Tribbiani: Cookie, now you can punch him! Chandler Bing: What?! Rachel Green: Hey! Ross Geller: Hi! Rachel Green: What are you doing here? Ross Geller: Ah y'know, this building is on my paper route so I... Rachel Green: Oh. Ross Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: Hi. Ross Geller: How'd did it go? Rachel Green: Oh well, the woman I interviewed with was pretty tough, but y'know thank God Mark coached me, because once I started talking about the fall line, she got all happy and wouldn't shut up. Ross Geller: I'm so proud of you. Rachel Green: Me too! Ross Geller: Listen, I'm ah, I'm sorry I've been so crazy and jealous and, it's just that I like you a lot, so... Rachel Green: I know. Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: Yeah. Mark Robinson: Rachel? Rachel Green: Yeah. Hi Mark! Mark Robinson: Hi. I just talked to Joanna, and she loves you. You got it, you got the job. Rachel Green: Oh, I did! Mark Robinson: Yes. Rachel Green: Oh my God!! Ross Geller: Congratu!! -lations-lations. Monica Geller: So ah, Phoebe, how was your date? Phoebe Buffay: Oh well y'know. Monica Geller: Yeah, I do know. Phoebe Buffay: Ick, you were eavesdropping. Rachel Green: Eavesdropping. Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'm sorry. But I really like this guy. And I think he really happens to like me. Ross Geller: Maybe he's just jumping on a pogo-stick and really likes it? Ross Geller: Maybe the pogo-stick likes it too? Joey Tribbiani: All right, that's it! He cannot do this to Phoebe. This guy is going to get the butt kicking of a lifetime! But, is he a big guy? Ross Geller: Ah, we'll all go. Come on. Phoebe Buffay: Thanks you guys! Thank you. Chandler Bing: Don't worry. Phoebe Buffay: God, I hope they kick his ass! Rachel Green: Honey, I'm sorry. Monica Geller: Y'know if it's any consolation, he really did sound like he was having more fun with you. Guy: May I help you?
Rachel Green: Okay. Hey. Umm. Does everybody hate these shoes? Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, but don't worry. I don't think anybody's gonna focus on that as long as your wearing that towel dress. Rachel Green: Tell him. Ross Geller: It's her first day at this new job. Your not supposed to start with her! Chandler Bing: All right, I suppose I can wait a day. Hey, what are you doing Friday? Ross Geller: Why? Chandler Bing: I need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert, y'know he's the botanist. Ross Geller: Oh God. Y'know, botanists are such geeks. Chandler Bing: Yeah. Is that a dinosaur tie? Ross Geller: Hmm? Oh, yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Morning. Rach, I'm here with the purses! Chandler Bing: It must take you forever to find your keys. Rachel Green: Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pheebs. Phoebe Buffay: Your welcome, oh please not the one with the turtles. Rachel Green: No, no, no, no turtles scare me. I don't need that today. Ross Geller: Honey, just relax, it's gonna be fine. Hey, umm,. why don't I come down there and I'll take you out to lunch? Rachel Green: Oh honey, thank you, but Mark's taking me out. Ross Geller: Mark is that ah, the same Mark that helped you get the job? Rachel Green: Yeah, it's kinda like a 'good luck on your first day' sort of thing. Is this actually a lunchbox? Phoebe Buffay: Umm, no, it's a purse. And there's a thermos in it. Rachel Green: Oh. Chandler Bing: Hey, so can you make it on Friday? Ross Geller: What? Oh yeah, yeah I think so. Why am I invited to this again? Chandler Bing: Well apparently Albert has no friends. He's very excited about the bachelor party though. I think actually the only reason he's getting married is so he can see a stripper. Phoebe Buffay: A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so clich. Why don't you get a magician?! Chandler Bing: Well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then all right. Ross Geller: She's having lunch with him. She's having lunch with him. And you should of seen the hug she gave him when she got the job. And, and, and, he's really good looking. What am I gonna do? Chandler Bing: Don't do anything. Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings! Don't cry outloud. Joey Tribbiani: Yes! Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical? Chandler Bing: I want to say you but, that seems like such an easy answer. Joey Tribbiani: It is me! It's a musical version of Tale of Two Cities. So I think I'm gonna sing New York, New York, and ah, oh I left My Heart in San Francisco. Ross Geller: Ah Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities. Joey Tribbiani: What? Ross Geller: Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em. Joey Tribbiani: Who? Chandler Bing: I'll get you the Cliff Notes. Joey Tribbiani: The what? Chandler Bing: The abridgment. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, okay. The what? Mark Robinson: ...and the style number, and the invoice number, and the shipping date. Good. Any questions so far? Rachel Green: Yeah. What kind of discount do we get? Mark Robinson: Twenty percent. Rachel Green: Oh!! I love this job! Wow! My first call. Mark Robinson: Here, let me. Rachel Green's line, how may I help you? Ross Geller: Hi, is Rachel there? Mark Robinson: And who may I say is calling? Ross Geller: This is Ross? Mark Robinson: Ross of... Ross Geller: Of Ross and Rachel. Mark Robinson: Oh hi. It's, it's Mark. Ross Geller: Oh hey, hey Mark. Mark Robinson: Hey, hold on a second. Ross Geller: Okay. Rachel Green: Hi honey! Ross Geller: Hi! What's ah, what's Mark doing answering your phone? Rachel Green: Oh, he's just goofing around. Ross Geller: Ohhhhh yeah, that's, that's funny. Why ah, why isn't he goofing around in his own office? Rachel Green: Oh honey, this is his office too. I told you we're Joanna's two assistants. Ross Geller: Why does Joanna need two assistants, how, how lazy is she? Rachel Green: Oh! Oh my God! What did I just do? Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: I think I just shipped 3,000 bras to personnel. Oh honey, I gotta go. Mark, I need you! Ross Geller: Okay, bye-bye. Rachel Green: Ow! Ross!! Ross Geller: Oh, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry sweetie, I was just trying to ah, I'm dialing another number. Jeannine: All right, I just got changed in thirty seconds so you can be alone with him. You'd better go for it. Monica Geller: Please, I'm not going for anything. Jeannine: Well, if you don't, I will. Monica Geller: Would you please go? Jeannine: Night Mon. Night Julio. Julio (poet): Adios. Monica Geller: Look Julio, someone left their book here. Julio (poet): Ah actually, that is mine. Monica Geller: Oh yeah, what are you reading? Julio (poet): Flowers of Evil, by Beaudalire. Have you read it? Monica Geller: Have I read it? No, are you enjoying it? Julio (poet): I thought I would, but the translation's no good. Monica Geller: Your a poet and don't know it. Julio (poet): Actually I ah, I am a poet. Monica Geller: Oh, then you do know it. So um what kind of things do you write about? Julio (poet): Things that move me. The, the shadow of a tree, a child laughing, or this lip. Monica Geller: Mine? Right here? Julio (poet): I can write an epic poem about this lip. Monica Geller: How would that go? Well, it didn't rhyme, but I liked it. Joey Tribbiani: You've got to pick a pocket or two. Boyyyyssss, you've got to pick a pocket or two... Director: Lovely, just lovely. Joey Tribbiani: Really? Thanks. Director: Listen Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday. Joey Tribbiani: Excellent, I'll be there. Director: Okay, and listen don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition. Joey Tribbiani: Ahhh! My ah, my agent said it wasn't a dancing part. Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake. Chandler Bing: ...three years of modern dance with Twila Tharp! Five years with the American Ballet Theater?! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, everybody lies on their resume, okay. I wasn't one of the Zoom Kids either. Phoebe Buffay: Well, can you dance at all? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I can dance, y'know. Chandler Bing: Oh no, no, no, no. Phoebe Buffay: What, what is that? Joey Tribbiani: Sure, it looks stupid now, there's no music playing. Chandler Bing: All right, I have to get that, but no-no. Hello? Hi! Yeah listen, I'm, I'm in need of a stripper and I was told that you do that. Let me ask you this, what, what do you do for the extra hundred? So would I, would I have to provide the grapes? Monica Geller: Hi! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, how was last night with Julio, senorita? Monica Geller: It was soo amazing, he is so sexy, and smart, which makes him even sexier. Oh gosh, I gotta so you this. Last night, we were fooling around and he stops to write a poem. Joey Tribbiani: Get out! I couldn't stop if a meteor hit me. Chandler Bing: Okay, we have our stripper. A miss Crystal Chandelier. Joey Tribbiani: Well sure, you name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be? Monica Geller: Anyway um, when he left he forgot to take the poem with him. Now, I am like totally dense about poetry, but I think it's pretty good all right. Check it out. Joey Tribbiani: The Empty Vase. Translucent beauty... Chandler Bing: To yourself. Hey-hey-hey, y'know what that's pretty good. Monica Geller: Oh good, I think so too. Pheebs? Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah. Monica Geller: Oh, I'm so glad you guys like it. Yay! All right I gotta go to work. Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, I'm not done. Monica Geller: All right, just give it back to me when your done. See you guys. Chandler Bing: Bye-bye. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, oh my God! Poor Monica! Chandler Bing: What, what, what?! Phoebe Buffay: What?! He was with her when he wrote this poem. Look, 'My vessel so empty with nothing inside. Now that I've touched you, you seem emptier still.' He thinks Monica is empty, she is the empty vase! Chandler Bing: You really think that is what he meant? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, totally. Oh, God, oh, she seemed so happy too. Joey Tribbiani: Done. Mark Robinson: Do you have the, the Ralph Lauren file? Rachel Green: Oh, yeah, sure, it's umm... Mark Robinson: Wh-what's that? Ross Geller: It's from Ross, it's a love bug. Mark Robinson: Wow! Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend. Rachel Green: Oh no, no-no-no, that's not, not, not, what he is doing. He's just, he's just really romantic. Man: Ah, excuse me, are you Rachel Green? Rachel Green: Yes. Man: One, two, three... Quartet: Congratulations on your first week at your brand new job! It won't be long before your the boss. The Bass Barber: Omm-pah, omm-pah, omm-pah. Quartet: And you know who will be there to support... you?! Your one and only boyfriend... The Bass Barber: It's nice to have a boyfriend. Quartet: Your loyal loving boyfriend Ross... Ross! Ross Geller: I'm hurt! I'm actually hurt, that you would think that I would send you any of those things out of any thing other than love. Hurt! Hurt! Rachel Green: All right Ross!! I get it!! Ross Geller: I mean my God... Rachel Green: You're hurt! Ross Geller: ...can't, can't a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend's office anymorrrrre!! Rachel Green: Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your territory. I mean you might have well have just come in and peed all around my desk! Ross Geller: I would never do that! Rachel Green: Look, I know what's going on here, okay, Mark explained it all to me. He said this is what you guys do. Ross Geller: Yeah well if, if, if Mark said that, than Mark's an idiot. Joey Tribbiani: Mark's a genius! Ross Geller: Why?! How?! How is he a genius? Chandler Bing: Look, don't you see what's happening here. Instead of hitting on her right away, he's becoming her confidant. Now he's gonna be the guy she goes too to complain about you. Ross Geller: What am I going to do? Chandler Bing: Well, why don't you send her a musical bug, op, no you already did that. All right look, you're going to have to go there yourself now, okay, make a few surprise visits. Ross Geller: I don't know you guys. Chandler Bing: All right fine, don't do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she starts thinking 'Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.' Joey Tribbiani: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, 'Ohh, man!' And he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us, we'll be like, 'Wh-whoa, dude.' And pretty soon you'll be like, 'Hhiii,' and, and, and, 'I can't go, Rachel and Mark might be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man get over it, it's been four years!!' Chandler Bing: He paints quite a picture doesn't he? Woman: Here's the Shelly Siegal stuff from December. Mark Robinson: And wait, I've got something for you. Woman: Mark!! Mark Robinson: It's okay, Rachel knows. Woman: Yeah, but even soo. Mark Robinson: I can't help it, I'm just, I'm just crazy about you. Rachel Green: Ohhh! That is soo sweet! Mark Robinson: Okay, okay look, I know I'm being Mr. Inappropriate today, but it's just so tough, I mean see you walking around and I just wanna touch you and hold you, come on no one's around, just, just kiss me. Ross Geller: All right that's, that's it!! Get off her! Mark Robinson: What is going on? Ross Geller: What's going on?! That's what's going on!! Rachel Green: Ross! Ross Geller: I have been down in your store for twenty minutes trying to get a tie! What do I have to do to get some service?! Hi Rach. Director: Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I got a problem, I just got a call from my dance captain, he's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island. Joey Tribbiani: So, does that mean the audition is off? Director: Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and show them the combination. Joey Tribbiani: What?! Director: Aw come on Joey, it's easy. Y'know, it's hand, hand, head, head, up, pas de bouree, pas de bouree, big turn here, grand sissone, sissone, sissone, slide back, step, step, step, and jazz hands! Joey Tribbiani: It's ah, step-ity, step and jazz hands. Director: Have fun. Joey Tribbiani: Bye. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: What are you wrapping? Monica Geller: Oh-ho, look what I got Julio. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, it's a vase. Monica Geller: Yeah, just like the one in the poem. Phoebe Buffay: Well not exactly like the one in the poem. Monica Geller: What do you mean? Phoebe Buffay: Remember how you said you were really dense about poetry? Oh. Monica Geller: So! I'm just an empty vase, huh? Julio (poet): What? Monica Geller: Y'know, so I don't read as many important books as you do, and I don't write trick poems that seem to be about one thing but are actually about something else. And y'know what, I get excited about stupid stuff, like when I my People magazine comes on Saturday, and the new Hold Everything catalog. Y'know but that does not mean that I'm empty, I care about things. I care about my friends and family. You have no right to make that kind of judgment about me. Julio (poet): Whoa, whoa, whoa. Monica Geller: You don't even know me... Julio (poet): Whoa, whoa, whoa, the poem is not about you. Monica Geller: What? Julio (poet): The Empty Vase is not about you. My baby, you make me so sad that you would think this. Monica Geller: I'm sorry, my friend Phoebe... Julio (poet): No, it's about all women. Well, all American women. You feel better now? Monica Geller: Oh yeah. Director: All right, let's do it! Director: No, no, no. What was that? Joey Tribbiani: I know, it was the best I could get out of them. Director: Well, people! Joey Tribbiani: People, people, people. Director: Let's try it again, and this time let's watch everybody watch Joey. Show 'em how it's done. Count it off. Rachel Green: So ah, did you have fun at the bachelor party last night? Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, yeah! Look what I got, look what I got. See, she's fully dressed, right? Rachel Green: Right. Chandler Bing: And then you click it and, uh-oh, she's naked. And then, and then you click it again and she's dressed. She's a business woman, she's walking down the street, she's window shopping, and whoa-whoa-whoa, sh-she's naked! Ross Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: Hello. Chandler Bing: Y'know what, I'm, I'm gonna spend some alone time with the pen. Ross Geller: I'm sorry, I was an idiot. Rachel Green: A big idiot. Ross Geller: A big idiot. Just you have to realize is, this whole Mark thing is kinda hard for me. Rachel Green: Honey, why is it hard, I mean we've been together for almost a year now? Ross Geller: Well, I was with Carol for like eight years and I lost her. And now if it's possible I think I love you even more. So, it's hard for me to believe that I'm not gonna, well that someone else is not going to take you away. Gunther: Let it be me! Let it be me! Rachel Green: Honey, that's very sweet, it just seems to me though, that if two people love each other and trust each other, like we do, there's no reason to be jealous. Ross Geller: I gotta get going. Bye Chandler. Chandler Bing: Oh, okay Ross. Listen, this pen is kinda getting boring, so can you pick me up some porn? Rachel Green: Where ya going? Ross Geller: Oh, I've got to go pick up Ben, we've got a play date this afternoon. Rachel Green: Ohh, with who? Ross Geller: Oh, just this woman that I met last night at the party. Rachel Green: There was a woman at the... The stripper?! Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: You have a play date with a stripper?! Chandler Bing: Man, I gotta get a kid. Ross Geller: Ah, yeah, yeah. Umm, we started talking after she y'know, did her thing. And it turns out she's got a boy about Ben's age, so we're taking them to a gym-boree class. Why, is that okay? Rachel Green: Sure, is she married? Ross Geller: Ahh, no. Rachel Green: Oh. Ross Geller: Are you jealous? Rachel Green: Noo, I y'know I don't see why she has to play with you, that's all. I mean doesn't she have any y'know other stripper moms friends of her own? Ross Geller: You are totally jealous. Rachel Green: I'm not jealous. All right this is about, umm, people feeling certain things y'know about strippers. And y'know, and um, I... Ross Geller: Honey, I love you too. Rachel Green: Ugh. Wait, wait, wait. Ross Geller: What? Ross Geller: Huh. Rachel Green: Well, there's a kiss that he won't forget for a couple of hours, y'know. Chandler Bing: Yeah. Either that, or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper. Man: Is there a Julio here? Julio (poet): I am Julio. Man: Mister Pretensous, you think there's no one finer, well but your poems are unpublished, and you work in a diner. Quartet: Your no God's gift to women, that's all in your headdddd. You are just a buttmunch. Bass Singer: No one likes a buttmunch. Quartet: And your also bad in bedd-edd-edd!.
Monica Geller: Hi. Clerk: Six dollars, please. Monica Geller: Six? I just had it for one night. It's three. Clerk: Eight o'clock is the cut-off and, aww, it's 8:02. Monica Geller: Y'know in a weird way, you have too much power. Look, you're gonna have to help me out here, 'cause I only have three. Richard Burke: I can help with that. Monica Geller: Oh my God. Richard? Hi! Richard Burke: Hi! Monica Geller: Wow! Your lip went bald. Hey, thanks. Richard Burke: So, you look great. Monica Geller: Right. Richard Burke: No you do. You... just... Monica Geller: What? Richard Burke: You've got panties stuck to your leg. Monica Geller: That's because I-I was just grabbing some things out of the dryer, and it's static cling. Or maybe it's just that God knew I'd be running into you and saw an opportunity. Richard Burke: It's good to see you. Monica Geller: It's good to see you too. Monica Geller: You see that guy? He's in classics now, but y'know as soon as we leave he's going straight to the porn. Richard Burke: He's gonna go up to the counter with Citizen Kane, Vertigo, and Clockwork Orgy. This is nice. Monica Geller: Yeah. Richard Burke: I missed this. Monica Geller: Me too. Richard Burke: So, you wanna get a hamburger or something? Monica Geller: Oh, um, I don't know if that's a good idea. Richard Burke: Oh. Look, just friends, I won't grope you. I promise. Monica Geller: No, I just I think that it's too soon. Richard Burke: No it's not too soon, I had lunch at a eleven. Chandler Bing: Yeah, baby! Ross Geller: What are you doing? Chandler Bing: Making chocolate milk. Do you want some? Ross Geller: No thanks. I'm 29. Rachel Green: Oh my God, I gotta go to work! Ross Geller: Oh sweetie, when do you think you're going to get off tonight? Rachel Green: Oh I don't know honey. It's gonna be really late. Ross Geller: Oh come on, not again. Rachel Green: I know. I'm sorry. Look, I'll make a deal with you all right? Okay? Ross Geller: Hmm. Rachel Green: For every night that you're asleep before I get home from work... Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: I will wake you up in a way that's proved very popular in the past. Ross Geller: Now, if you need to stay late, I want to be supportive of that. Rachel Green: Right. Phoebe Buffay: Hi. Everyone: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Look at you. Since when do you roller blade? Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Since tomorrow. I met this really cute guy in the park and he like y'know, jogs, and blades, and swims, and so y'know we made a deal that's he's going to teach me all sorts of jock stuff. Ross Geller: And what are you going to do for him? Phoebe Buffay: I'm going to let him. Ross Geller: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: Cool. Monica Geller: Morning. Everyone: Hey. Rachel Green: Somebody got in late last night. Monica Geller: Yeah well, I ran into Richard. Rachel Green: When did this happen? Monica Geller: Oh, um, around 8:02. We ah, talked for a little while, and then um, we went out for an innocent burger. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, there's no such thing as an innocent burger. Ross Geller: So, are you gonna see him again? Monica Geller: Tomorrow night. Rachel Green: Monica, what are you doing? Chandler Bing: Well, she spent the last six months getting over him, and now she's celebrating that by going on a date with him. Monica Geller: It's not a date, okay. I'm just gonna teach him how to make lasagne for some pot luck dinner he has. Joey Tribbiani: Well, you might wanna make a little extra, y'know you'll probably be hungry after the sex. Monica Geller: We're not gonna have sex! Okay, nothing's changed here. He still doesn't want children and I still do, so that's why we're just gonna be friends. Ross Geller: Naked friends. Rachel Green: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Rachel Green: Do you have any ice? Joey Tribbiani: Check the freezer. If there's none in there, then we're probably out. Are you just getting in from work? It's late. Rachel Green: Yeah, I know. I had the greatest day though, I got to sit in on the meeting with the reps from Calvin Klien. I told my boss I liked this line of lingerie, she ordered a ton of it. How was your day? Joey Tribbiani: I discovered I'm able to count all of my teeth using just my tongue. Rachel Green: Hmm. Umm, why do you have a copy of The Shining in your freezer? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I was reading it last night, and I got scared, so. Rachel Green: But ah, you're safe from it if it's in the freezer? Joey Tribbiani: Well, safer. Y'know, I mean I never start reading The Shining, without making sure we've got plenty of room in the freezer, y'know. Rachel Green: How often do you read it? Joey Tribbiani: Haven't you ever read the same book over and over again? Rachel Green: Well, umm, I guess I read Little Women more than once. But I mean that's a classic, what's so great about The Shining? Joey Tribbiani: The question should be Rach, what is not so great about the shining. Okay? And the answer would be nothing. All right? This is like the scariest book ever. I bet it's way better than that classic of yours. Rachel Green: Okay. Ah, well we'll just see about that, okay. I will read The Shining, and you will read Little Women. Joey Tribbiani: All right, you got it. Rachel Green: All right. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Rachel Green: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: Ah, now Rach, these ah, these little women. Rachel Green: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: How little are they? I mean, are they like scary little? Phoebe Buffay: Um, Chandler, Ross, this is Robert. Chandler Bing: Oh, hey. Robert Bobby: Hi. Ross Geller: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: You've have lipstick right here . That's okay, it's mine, we just kissed. Ross Geller: Oh. Chandler Bing: So ah, isn't a bit cold out for shorts? Robert Bobby: Well, I'm from California. Chandler Bing: Right, right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flames. Chandler Bing: I'm up! I'm up, I've gotten up now! Anybody ah, want anything? Phoebe Buffay: I'll have coffee. Robert Bobby: Yeah, me too. Ross Geller: Yeah, make that three. Chandler Bing: Okay Ross, why don't you come with me? Ross Geller: Okay. What ah, what is the matter with you? What's going on? Chandler Bing: Robert's coming out. Ross Geller: What, what do you mean, what? Is he gay? Chandler Bing: No. He...he's coming out of his shorts. Ross Geller: What?! Chandler Bing: The man is showing brain. Ross Geller: Are you sure? Hold on. I'm sorry you guys, that was a coffee and a... Robert Bobby: Coffee. Ross Geller: Okay. Robert Bobby: We could write it down for you? Ross Geller: No, no, that won't be ah, that won't be necessary Chandler Bing: Wellll? Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Chandler Bing: What do we do? What do we do? Ross Geller: Well, I suppose we just try to not look directly at it. Chandler Bing: Like an eclipse. Richard Burke: So when people complement me on my cooking should I, what do I say? Monica Geller: You say 'Thank you very much,' and then you buy me something pretty. Come on, we're gonna put are hands in this bowl, and we're gonna start squishing the tomatoes. Richard Burke: Ew, this feels very weird. Monica Geller: You touch people's eyeballs every day and this feels weird. Richard Burke: Yeah, well, sure I touch them, but I spent years learning not to squish them. That's my hand. Monica Geller: Oops. Richard Burke: Okay. Monica Geller: Gotta keep squishing. Richard Burke: Tomatoes are squishing. Monica Geller: Okay. Richard Burke: Op. Monica Geller: Oh, gosh, you got some on your shirt. Richard Burke: Yeah. Monica Geller: Hold on a second, just put a little club soda on it and it should umm, be... Richard Burke: What? Monica Geller: Umm, you've got some on your pants. Richard Burke: I'll just throw them out. Joey Tribbiani: These little women. Wow! Chandler Bing: Your liking it, huh? Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah! Amy just burned Jo's manuscript. I don't see how he could ever forgive her. Ross Geller: Umm, Jo's a girl, it's short for Josephine. Joey Tribbiani: But Jo's got a crush on Laurie. Oh. You mean it's like a girl-girl thing? 'Cause that is the one thing missing from The Shining. Chandler Bing: No, actually Laurie's a boy. Joey Tribbiani: No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey. Ross Geller: Hey! How'd the ah, basketball go? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay, I learned how to shoot a lay-up, a foul shot, and a twenty-three pointer. Chandler Bing: You mean a three pointer? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I get more because I'm dainty. Robert Bobby: So um, is there a phone here, I can check my messages? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, in the back. You want a quarter? Robert Bobby: Oh, no thanks. I always carry one in my sock. Joey Tribbiani: What are you doing? Get back over on your side of the... Hello!! Hi, I'm Joey, we haven't met. Robert Bobby: Ah, good to meet you. Robert. Phoebe Buffay: What? What? You guys, what is going on? You not like Robert? Why are you laughing?! Ross Geller: Calm down. There's no reason to get testy. Phoebe Buffay: You guys!! Come on! Chandler Bing: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it just seems that Robert isn't as concealed in the shorts area, as ah, one may have hoped. Phoebe Buffay: What do you mean? Robert Bobby: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Robert, could you ah, ha, pass me those cookies? Robert Bobby: Sure. Monica Geller: So, how'd the lasagne go over? Really?! Good. So you owe me three pretty things. Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about you too. I know. It's hard this whole platonic thing. It's a word! Monica Geller: Yeah, I do think it's better this way. Yeah, we're being smart. Yes, I'm sure. Richard Burke: You really sure? Monica Geller: I'll call you back. Monica Geller: So we can be friends who sleep together. Richard Burke: Absolutely, this will just be something we do, like racquetball. Monica Geller: Sounds smart and healthy to me. So um, just out of curiosity, um, do you currently have any other racquetball buddies? Richard Burke: Just your dad. Although that's actually racquetball. You know I-I do have a blind date with my sister's neighbour next Tuesday. Monica Geller: Oh. Richard Burke: You want me to cancel it? Monica Geller: No! No! Richard Burke: Okay. Monica Geller: 'Cause if you do that means you'd be cancelling it for me, and we're just friends. Richard Burke: Exactly. Robert Bobby: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Ooh! Don't sit down! Robert Bobby: You ready to go to the batting cage? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. And, first here's a gift. Robert Bobby: Oh! Wow! Hey! Chandler Bing: Stretchy pants! Why, those are the greatest things in the world! If I were you I would wear them every day, every day! Robert Bobby: Jeez, thank you really that is so nice. But um, to be honest, I don't think I can wear these, they're so tight, I feel like I'm on display. I'm sorry. Phoebe Buffay: That's all right, that's well, I figured... Robert Bobby: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! How's it going? Ross Geller: Good. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Rach, how you doing with The Shining? Rachel Green: Oh, Danny just went into room 217. Joey Tribbiani: Oooh, the next part's the best, when that dead lady in the bathtub... Rachel Green: Oh, no, meh-nah-nah-nah, come on you're gonna ruin it! Joey Tribbiani: All right I'll talk in code. Remember when the kid sees those two blanks in the hallway? Chandler Bing: Hmmm, that's very cool. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, all blank, and no blank, make's blank a blank blank. Oh no-no-no, no, the end when Jack almost kills them all with that blank, but then at last second they get away. Aww! Rachel Green: Joey! I can't believe you just did that! Chandler Bing: I can't believe she cracked your code! Rachel Green: All right, okay, Laurie proposes to Jo, and she says no, even though she's still in love with him, and then he ends up marring Amy. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right, the boiler explodes and destroys the hotel, and kills the dad. Rachel Green: Eh. Beth dies. Joey Tribbiani: Beth, Beth dies? Rachel Green: Um-hmm. Joey Tribbiani: Is that true? If I keep reading is Beth gonna die? Chandler Bing: No, Beth doesn't die, she doesn't die. Does she Rachel? Rachel Green: What?! Ross Geller: Joey's asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson? Rachel Green: No. She doesn't die. Joey Tribbiani: Then why would you say that?! Rachel Green: Because, I wanted to hurt you. Robert Bobby: Oh, there they are! I-I dropped my keys. Rachel Green: Oh my... Robert Bobby: Got 'em. Monica Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: Sorry. I'm sorry. Monica Geller: You would not believe my day! I had to work two shifts, and then to top it off, I lost one of my fake boobs, in a grill fire. Monica Geller: What are you smiling at? Rachel Green: I'm sorry, I was just thinking you're day could still pick up. Monica Geller: Yeah, right. Richard Burke: Hello. Monica Geller: I love this friend thing! Phoebe Buffay: Listen, Robert's gonna be here any second so, will one of you just tell him? Ross Geller: Oh. Phoebe Buffay: Please, right now, no, every time I see him it's like 'Is it on the lose?' 'Is it watching me?' Chandler Bing: We can't tell him, you can't go up to a guy you barely know and talk about his... stuff. Ross Geller: He's right, even if it's to say something complementary. Robert Bobby: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Robert Bobby: So are ready for the gym? They've got this new rock climbing wall, we can spot each other. Phoebe Buffay: No, I can spot you from here. Robert Bobby: What? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, listen Robert... Ross Geller: Hey, don't we have to... Chandler Bing: Yeah, we got, um-hmm. Phoebe Buffay: Umm, I think you're really, really great... Robert Bobby: Oh God! Here we go again. Why does this keep happening to me? Is it something I'm putting out there? Is this my fault? Or am I just nuts? Phoebe Buffay: I-I-I-I-I don't know, I don't know what to say. Gunther: Hey buddy, this is a family place, put the mouse back in the house. Monica Geller: Ow! Richard Burke: Really?! Well, it's just like everyone else's apartment. It's got rooms, walls, and ceilings. Richard's Date: Well, I just wanted to see where you lived. Now, give me the tour. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Oh my God! Richard Burke: Ah well, this is the living room. Richard's Date: Impressive. Richard Burke: All right. This is the kitchen. Richard's Date: Oh, that's real pretty. Wait a minute, don't I get to see the bedroom? Richard Burke: The bedroom. Well it's pretty much your typical... bedroom. Richard's Date: We're still on this side of the door. Richard Burke: Um-hmm. Richard's Date: Yeah, but I didn't get to see it. Richard Burke: Oh shoot! Maybe next time. Thanks for a lovely evening. Monica Geller: So um, who was she? Richard Burke: Oh, that was the blind date that I told you about, she called and switched it to today. Monica Geller: Did you like her? And I'm just asking as a friend, because I am totally fine with this. Richard Burke: Well, you seem fine. Monica Geller: Okay, y'know what, I'm not fine, I'm not. I mean how can I be fine, hearing you come in with her, she wants to see your bedroom... Y'know what, what if we're friends who don't see other people? Richard Burke: You mean like exclusive friends? Monica Geller: Why not?! I mean this has been the most amazing week. Would it be so terrible? Even if we were friends who lived together. Or, maybe someday friends who stood up in front of their other friends, and vowed to be friends forever. Richard Burke: Wow. Y'know we're back where we were. Honey, I would love to do all that, but nothing's changed. Monica Geller: That's not true, you don't have a moustache. Richard Burke: Okay, okay, one thing's changed. But we still want different things and we know how this is gonna end. Monica Geller: Y'know what, I've got to walk out of here right now, 'cause getting over you is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I don't think I could do it again. Richard Burke: I know I couldn't. So... Monica Geller: How 'bout one last game of racquetball? Monica Geller: Watch the thorns! Richard Burke: Ow!! Rachel Green: What? Joey Tribbiani: Beth is really, really sick. Rachel Green: Awwww. Joey Tribbiani: Jo's there, but I don't think there's anything she could do. Rachel Green: Joey? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Rachel Green: Do you want to put the book in the freezer? Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Rachel Green: Okay.
Singer: 'Cause every time I see your face, I can't help but fall from grace. I know... Joey Tribbiani: Wow! This girl is good. Phoebe Buffay: Oh-ho yeah! A song with rhyming words. Oo, I never thought of that before. Chandler Bing: I like her. Phoebe Buffay: Why? Because she can sing and play guitar and do both at the same time? Chandler Bing: Well, that's pretty much all I'm looking for from these people. Monica Geller: Look at you. All jealous. Ross Geller: Yeah Pheebs, come on, you two have completely different styles. Y'know, she's more.. y'know, and you're more Singer: beside meeeee-eeee-ee. . Phoebe Buffay: Okay, see, see, everyone else is happy she's done. Singer: Okay, my next song's called Phoebe Buffay, What Can I Say. I Really Loved When We Were Singing Partners, And I Shouldn't Have Left You That Way. Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, one of those 'look for the hidden meaning' songs. Singer: Hey Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: Hey Leslie, how'd you know I'd be here? Leslie: I ran into Vlad at the place where they sell the big fish, and he said you played here a lot, so umm... Chandler Bing: All right listen, I have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again. I'd like know whether that's several big fish or just one big fish. Joey Tribbiani: So ah, Phoebe tells us you write jingles. Phoebe Buffay: Actually I said she abandoned me to write jingles. Joey Tribbiani: Ah, anything we might of heard of? Leslie: Ah, yeah, umm. Home is never far away.. Leslie: Yeah, but, I don't do that anymore. I got kinda sick of it, and then I couldn't come up with anything good, so they fired me. Phoebe Buffay: Hmm, bummer. Leslie: Well, I y'know, I was just, umm, I was just thinking and hoping, that umm, maybe you'd want to get back together? Phoebe Buffay: No. But thanks. Leslie: Aw come on Phoebe would you just think about it? Phoebe Buffay: Okay. No. But thanks. Leslie: Okay, ah, see ya Pheebs. Joey Tribbiani: Wow, that was kinda brutal. Phoebe Buffay: Well okay, let this be a lesson to all of you, all right. Once you, once you betray me, I become like the ice woman, y'know. Very cold, hard, unyielding, y'know nothing, nothing can penetrate this icy exterior. Can I have a tissue, please? Monica Geller: Yeah, sure. Gunther: Someone in there? Chandler Bing: No. This is just part of a dare devil game that I play called 'wait until the last moment before I burst and die.' Chandler Bing: Jeez, man did you fall.. Hi! So ah, did ya, did-did-did ya fall high? Woman: Someone was in the lady's room, I couldn't wait. I left the lid up for ya though. Chandler Bing: Y'know what Gunther, go ah, go ahead, I'm-I'm talking to ah, . This is the part where you say your name. Woman: Ginger. Chandler Bing: Ginger. I'm talking to Ginger, so... Ginger: Don't you have to use the bathroom? Chandler Bing: Nope, nope, I'd just ah, I'd rather talk to you. Yes, I do. Yes, I do have to go to the bathroom. Gunther: Someone in here. Phoebe Buffay: Where's Chandler? Joey Tribbiani: Ah, he can't make it, he said he had to his... Whoa-oh! Ginger: Joey? Joey Tribbiani? Ginger: Joey I can see you okay? You're hiding behind the coats. Joey Tribbiani: Phew, close one. Ross Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: Hi, sweetie! Ross Geller: Hello. Mark Robinson: Hi, Ross. Ross Geller: Yeah, huh. Rachel Green: I've got some bad news. Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: I can get a quick bite to eat, but then I have to come back up here. Ross Geller: Come on sweetie! You've had to work late every night for the past two weeks, what is it this time? Mark Robinson: Actually, it's kinda my fault. I-I quit today. Ross Geller: But work comes first! Oh hey, but that's sad about you though, what happened? Burn out? Burn all out, did ya? Rachel Green: Nooo, he's leaving for a better job. Ross Geller: Oh well that's great, so I guess this is ah, this is good bye then. Huh? Good bye. Mark Robinson: Okay, then. Ross Geller: Okay. Rachel Green: Well we're gonna miss you around here. Mark Robinson: Yeah, me too. Mark Robinson: So, see ya on Saturday. Rachel Green: Yeah, you bet. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Monica Geller: Y'know those are a delicacy in India. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, that was Leslie calling again to see if we can get back together. That's the twentieth time today! And good luck Leslie! Monica Geller: Wow, she must have hurt you pretty bad, huh? Phoebe Buffay: Well, yeah. Y'know, we were best friends, ever since we were little, our Moms worked on the barge together. Monica Geller: Oh, you two must have been so cute running around on a barge. Phoebe Buffay: You never run on a barge! Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Is ah, is Chandler around? Monica Geller: No, umm, he met some girl at the coffee house. Joey Tribbiani: Oooh. Monica Geller: Yeah, Ginger something. Joey Tribbiani: Nooo. No, no, ah, are you sure it wasn't something that sounded like Ginger, like ah, Gingeer? Monica Geller: No, it was Ginger. I remember, because when he told me, I said, 'the movie star.' Joey Tribbiani: Aww, man. That's the girl I was hiding from. When she finds out he's my roommate, she's gonna tell him what I did. Monica Geller: Well, what did you do? Joey Tribbiani: What, oh, oh, oh, no, no, I can't, I can't tell you that, it's like the most awful, horrible thing I've ever done my whole life. Monica Geller: Y'know what, don't tell us. We'll just wait until Chandler gets home, because it'll be more fun that way. Joey Tribbiani: All right!! Okay, it was like four years ago. Okay, Ginger and I had gone out a few times, and then this one weekend, we went up to her Dad's cabin. Just me, her, and her annoying little dog Pepper. Well that night, I cooked this really romantic dinner... Monica Geller: You gave her food poisoning!? Joey Tribbiani: I wish. No. After dinner, me, her, and Pepper all fell asleep in front of the fire. Well I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that the fire was dying out. So, I picked up a log and threw it on. Or, at least what I thought was a log. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God!! You threw Pepper on the fire! Joey Tribbiani: I wish. See, I guess another thing I probably should've told you about Ginger is that she kinda has a ah, artificial leg. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Joey, what did you do after you threw her leg on the fire? Joey Tribbiani: I ran!! Chandler Bing: Well, that's the best kiss I've had with anyone I've ever met in a men's room. Ginger: Actually, me too. Chandler Bing: Op, foot in a puddle, foot all in a puddle. Ginger: Oh damn, I hate that. Chandler Bing: Yeah, we're gonna have to get you out of those shoes. Ginger: Oh, don't worry about it. Chandler Bing: No, really you're gonna freeze. Ginger: No, I'm not. Chandler Bing: You're not, what do you, what do you got a bionic foot? Ginger: Some day, maybe. Rachel Green: Funny book? Ross Geller: Hmmm. Oh, no, no, I just thinking about something funny I heard today. Umm, Mark, Mark saying 'I'll see you Saturday.' Rachel Green: Yeah, at the lecture, I told you that last week, you said you didn't mind. Ross Geller: Oh, no, no, no, it's-it's not the lecture ah, I mind, umm... Rachel Green: Oh, please tell me it's not because I'm going with Mark. Ross Geller: Oh, well... Rachel Green: Oh my God!!! Ross!! Ross Geller: Well, I'm sorry, but ah, look if you're not working with him anymore, why do you have to still do stuff with him? Rachel Green: Because, he's my friend. Ross Geller: Okay, but do you really need another friend? I mean... Rachel Green: Okay, well if I stop playing with Joey and Chandler, can I play with Mark? Ross Geller: Is that funny? Am I supposed to be laughing? Rachel Green: I don't know, you thought 'See you Saturday' was funny. Look honey, Mark is in fashion okay, I like having a friend that I can share this stuff with. You guys would never want to go to a lecture with me. Ross Geller: Pa-haa!! I would love to go with you. Rachel Green: Really!? Ross Geller: Yeah, hey I-I have clothes, I even pick them out. I mean for, for all you know I could be a fashion... monger. Rachel Green: Okay. Honey, I would love for you to go with me. What? Ross Geller: What should I wear, now I'm all nervous. Monica Geller: Y'know they say a watched pot never beeps. Phoebe Buffay: It's just y'know, been a couple of hours, and she hasn't called. Not that I even care, y'know. Monica Geller: Phoebe why don't you just call her? You obviously want to. Phoebe Buffay: You think you know me so well. Monica Geller: Well, don't 'cha wanna? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Monica Geller: Okay, well I do know you. Phoebe Buffay: That's what I said. Monica Geller: Well so? Phoebe Buffay: I can't. I can't. She dumped me, I mean I totally trusted her and then one day it was 'Okay, bye Pheebs' gone. Y'know what the saddest part is, when we were playing together, that was like the most fun I've ever had in like all my lives. Leslie: My best shoes, so good to me. I wear them everyday. Down at the heel, holes in the toes. Don't care what people say. My feet's best friends, pals to the end. With them I'm one hot chicky. Though late one night, not much light, I... Phoebe Buffay: I stepped in something icky. Lecturer: We're beginning to see a lot of layering of sheer fabrics and colours. For instance a sheer navy blouse over a pink... Ross Geller: I'm really glad we came. You're so pretty. I love you. Rachel Green: Oh. Phoebe Buffay: Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault. Leslie: Wow, that's great. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah! Leslie: Y'know you could totally sell this. It'd be perfect for like umm, a kitty litter campaign. Phoebe Buffay: I..., a jingle? No, no-no-no, no. Leslie: What? Why not? You could make a ton of money. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, well if I was in this for the money, I'd be a millionaire by now, y'know. You just got to get out of that jingle head sweetie. Leslie: Aw, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry. Phoebe Buffay: That's okay. All right, I'm gonna play song that's really, really sad. It's called Magician Box Mix Up. Lecturer: ...oversized bracelets, oversized earrings, oversizing of accessories in general are very popular now. Monica Geller: Hi! Chandler Bing: Hey. Monica Geller: Oh, can I borrow this? My milk's gone bad. Chandler Bing: Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half and half, stole my car. Monica Geller: So umm, how was your date with Ginger? Chandler Bing: Great. It was great. She's ah, she's great, great looking, great personality, she's greatness. Monica Geller: Sounds like she's got the ah, whole package. Chandler Bing: Joey told you about the leg, huh? Monica Geller: Uh-huh. Chandler Bing: Oh God, it freaked me out. Okay, I know it shouldn't have, but it did. I mean I like her, I don't want to stop seeing her, but every so often it's like 'Hey, y'know what, where's your leg?' I mean I'm the smallest person in the world aren't I? I'm the smallest person in the world. Joey Tribbiani: Morning. Chandler Bing: Actually he's the smallest person in the world. Joey Tribbiani: Heard about the leg burnin' huh? Chandler Bing: It came up. Joey Tribbiani: Listen, I ah, I know it's a longshot. But, by any chance did she find that funny? Ross Geller: So I nodded off a little. Rachel Green: Nodded off!! Ross you were snoring. My father's boat didn't make that much noise when it hit rocks! Ross Geller: Come on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes the man talked about strappy backed dresses. Rachel Green: Well okay, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium listening to Professor Pitstains and he's 'Hey everybody! Remember that thing that's been dead for a gazillion years. Well there's this little bone we didn't know it had!' Ross Geller: First of all it's Professor Pittain! And second of all, that little bone, proved that, that particular dinosaur had wings, but didn't fly. Rachel Green: Okay, see now, what I just heard, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah, blah. Ross Geller: Y'know what, 100 million people went to see a movie about what I do, I wonder how many people would go see a movie called, Jurassic Parka. Rachel Green: Oh, that is so... Ross Geller: No-no-no, a bunch of out of control jackets take over an island. Rachel Green: Y'know if what I do is so lame, then why did you insist on coming with me this morning? Huh? Was it so I just wouldn't go with Mark? Ross Geller: No. I... I wanted to be with you. I don't know, I feel like lately, I feel like you're slipping away from me, y'know. With this new job, and all these new people, and you've got this whole other life going on. I-I-I know it's dumb, but I hate that I'm not a part of it. Rachel Green: It's not dumb. But, maybe it's okay that you're not a part of it. Y'know what I mean? I mean it's like, I-I-I like that you're not involved in that part of my life. Ross Geller: That's a little clearer. Rachel Green: Honey see, it doesn't mean that I don't love you. Because I do. I love you, I love you so much. But my work it's-it's for me y'know, I'm out there, on my own, and I'm doing it and it's scary but I love it, because it's mine. I, but, I mean is that okay? Ross Geller: Sure, I-I-I... Ginger: Your thinking about my leg aren't you? Chandler Bing: No. No. Actually I forgot, what is the deal with that again? Ginger: It's okay if it bothers you. Really. I mean the only thing I need to know is 'how much it bothers you?' because I don't like wasting my time. Am I wasting my time? Chandler Bing: No. No. I don't think so. Ginger: Okay. It's just like anything else, you just have to get used to it. Ginger: What's that? Chandler Bing: That's-that's my nubbin. Ginger: What's a nubbin? Chandler Bing: It's kinda a ah, a third nipple kinda thing. Ginger: You have three nipples? Chandler Bing: Well, y'know two regulars. And ah one that barely qualifies as... Ahh, what? Ginger: Nothing. I, I just remembered I have to leave. Chandler Bing: You ah, you have, you have to leave, now? How come? Ginger: Ah well, it's nubbin. Nothing! Umm. Y'know what, I'll see you later. Okay. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I thought you weren't coming. What? Where were you? Leslie: Come here, come here. Okay, don't get mad, okay. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, don't give me a reason to get mad, okay Leslie: I played Smelly Cat for the people at my old ad agency, they went nuts. Phoebe Buffay: No, look, I told you that I didn't want you to try and sell it, and you just, you big fat did it anyway. God, y'know what, I think five years ago I probably would've done anything to play with you but, I can do it by myself. And if I can't trust you then just forget it. Leslie: No, no, I don't want to forget it. Phoebe Buffay: Okay y'know what you have to choose. All right, if-if the most important thing on the planet to you is this cat poopy thing then, okay you can have Smelly Cat, but we won't be partners. So what's it gonna be? Commercial: Problem odour in the litter box? Don't change your kitty, change your kitty litter. Monica Geller: Sorry, Pheebs. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. You okay? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. I actually am, yeah. Y'know life-life's gonna had you all kinds of stuff, y'know you learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow. Wanna hear a new song? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Monica Geller: We'd love too. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. 'Jingle bitch screwed me over! Go to hell jingle whore! Go to hell Go to hell. Go to hell-hell-hell.' That's all I have so far. Chandler Bing: Well hello! Joey Tribbiani: Where have you been? Chandler Bing: The doctor. Ross Geller: Is everything okay? Chandler Bing: Oh yes! Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting. Monica Geller: Wow! It's like Rachel in High School. Rachel Green: What?!! Monica Geller: Come on! Come on, I was kidding! It was such an obvious joke! Chandler Bing: That was an obvious joke, and I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? The source of all my powers. Oh dear God, what have I done!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, how much will you give me to eat this whole jar of olives? Monica Geller: I won't give you anything, but you'll owe me 2.95. Joey Tribbiani: Done. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. I need an atlas! I need an atlas! Monica Geller: Why? Do you have a report due? Phoebe Buffay: I have a date with this diplomat I met while I was giving free massages outside the UN and, I don't know where his country is. Monica Geller: Okay, let's start with the free messages outside the UN. Phoebe Buffay: Oh!! That's my new thing. I figure bodies at peace, make peace. Monica Geller: Wow! You might just get the first Nobel prize in rubbing. So what country is this guy from? Phoebe Buffay: Ick-neck-tree-anis... There's a 'g' in there. Monica Geller: Where's that? Phoebe Buffay: In your atlas! Monica Geller: I don't have an atlas. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Monica Geller: Oh, but wait I do have a globe. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Monica Geller: Hold on. Joey Tribbiani: So Pheebs what's this guy like? Phoebe Buffay: Umm, well he's very dashing, y'know, and umm, very, very sophisticated, and he doesn't speak any English, but according to his translator, he totally gets me. Monica Geller: 'Kay, here you go. Phoebe Buffay: What is this? Monica Geller: It's a globe and, a pencil sharpener. Chandler Bing: Hey, does anybody need anything copied? I'm going down to the Xerox place. Monica Geller: Oh, no thanks. Chandler Bing: Okay listen, just give me anything I can make two of. Monica Geller: Well, if you don't have anything to copy, why are you going down there? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, are you just going down there to gawk at that hot girl with the belly button ring again? Chandler Bing: Yeah! You wanna come? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Chandler Bing: Come on Chloe! Finish up with your customer first. Come on Chloe! Come on Chloe!! Issac: Can I help you? Chandler Bing: Uh-oh. Joey Tribbiani: Uh, y'know what, we're having second thoughts about our copying needs. And we'll need a little more time to think about it. Issac: Chloe, switch with me, there's some guys here that got a crush on you. Chandler Bing: Okay, that hurt us. Chloe: Hi guys. I haven't seen you since this morning. Chandler Bing: Well ah, ...y'know. Chloe: Hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow night? Joey Tribbiani: Both of us? Chloe: Maybe. Does that scare ya? Chloe: Relax. It's just Issac's D.J.-ing at the Philly. You should come. Joey Tribbiani: We'll be there. Chloe: Great. I'll ah, see ya then. Chandler Bing: All right, rock on. Sergei: Mischa: He's says, 'Walking with you makes this strange city, feel like home.' Phoebe Buffay: Me too. Although this city is my home, so. So that's dumb what I said, don't tell him I said that. Umm, you make something up. Nice, thank you. This is me. Here. Mischa: Your eyes are very pretty. Phoebe Buffay: Thank you, very much! Oh! Thank you! Mischa: He would like to kiss you. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, y'know what, you don't have to do that now. No-no-no-no!! Not him, you don't! Well the moment's over. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Mischa: Oy! Phoebe Buffay: See there it is right there. Monica Geller: Wow! It's small. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. But Sergei said it took the Germans six weeks to get all the way across it. Monica Geller: So you had fun, huh? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Except for, y'know when you're on a date and you're getting along really great but the guy's translator keeps getting in the way. Monica Geller: No. Ross Geller: Hey. Ross Geller: What is ah, Rach in her room? Monica Geller: Oh no, she's still at work, but she told me to tell you to call her. Ross Geller: Oh what?! Is she gonna cancel on me again?! How can she do this? Doesn't she know it's our anniversary? Monica Geller: All right ah, Ross, this is the extent of my knowledge on the subject. Call Rachel. Ross Geller: What's that on the bottom? Monica Geller: Oh that's my doodle of a ladybug, with a top hat. She's fancy. Rachel Green: Hello. Ross Geller: Hey, honey. Rachel Green: Oh, hi. Ross Geller: Hey, what's going on? Rachel Green: Well, there was a disaster in shipping and I've got to get this order in. Honey, I'm so sorry, but it looks like I'm gonna be here all night. Ross Geller: What, do you, well umm, oh how about I come up there? Rachel Green: No-no-no, no, honey please, I've got, I've just have so much to deal with. Phoebe Buffay: Anyway, I'm going out with Sergei again tonight, and um, could you come and be the translator's date? So that when we, it's time for our alone time, you two could split off. Y'know, he's really, he's kinda cute. Monica Geller: Yeah, well kinda cute, like really kinda cute, or kinda cute like your friend Spackel Back Larry? Phoebe Buffay: Hey, don't call him that! His name is Spackel Back Harry! Chandler Bing: Hey, y'know what, maybe we should get going. I mean what time did Chloe say we should be there? Joey Tribbiani: Uh, 10:30. Chandler Bing: What time is it now? Joey Tribbiani: 4:30. Chandler Bing: Yeah all right, so we'll hang out. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Hey, remember when she brought up that thing about the three of us? Chandler Bing: Yes. Vividly. Joey Tribbiani: She was kidding about that right? Chandler Bing: Yeah, I-I-I think so. Yeah, I-I think so... Joey Tribbiani: God, that would be weird it that situation presented itself tonight, huh? Chandler Bing: Yeah. Yeah, I mean what, what would we do? Joey Tribbiani: Dude, I don't know. Chandler Bing: She was kidding. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Chandler Bing: She was... But y'know what, just in case, maybe we should come up with a set of ground rules. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, for sure. Okay. Probably want the first thing to be, never open your eyes. Y'know, because you don't want to be doing something and then look up and see something you don't want to be seeing. Chandler Bing: Yeah. Good call, nice one. Hold it!! Hold it! What if me eyes are closed, and, and my hand is out there... Joey Tribbiani: Ah!! Okay! Eyes open at all times! Oh, hey, how do we decide where we... y'know each would, y'know be? Chandler Bing: Right. Right. Well ah, y'know we could flip for it. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I guess, but what's like heads and what's tails? Chandler Bing: Well it you don't know that, then I don't want to do this with you. Rachel Green: No, no, no, I'm looking at a purchase order right here and it clearly states that we ordered the Rivera bikini in a variety of sizes and colours. And... What does it matter, what I'm wearing?! Can I please speak to your supervisor? Thank you. We're holding. Ross Geller: Hi! Rachel Green: Oh!! My God, what are you doing here? Ross Geller: Well you said you couldn't go out so... Sophie: You brought a picnic, oh, what a boyfriend. That's it, on Monday I start wearing make-up. Rachel Green: Ross honey, this is very nice, but, but I-I got a crisis. Ross Geller: Yeah, but I got cous-cous! Rachel Green: Honey, honey, I'm sorry, I know it's our anniversary but I told you on the phone I don't have time to stop. Ross Geller: Okay, you don't have to stop, I'm invisible, I'm not here. Rachel Green: But I don't, hmm... Oh, who approved that order?! Well there is no Mark Robbinson in this office. Get me Mark on the phone! Sophie: I love Mark. Do you know Mark? Ross Geller: Yeah!! Rachel Green: Well, let me just check that with what I got here, all right see 038 is not the number for this store, 038 is Atlanta. And I... Ross Geller: Pepper? Rachel Green: None for me. Ross Geller: Okay sorry, whew. Rachel Green: I'm sorry, as I was saying the store number is wrong, and I'm sorry but that's... Oh my God!! Ross Geller: Okay, that's a fire. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Rachel Green: Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to call you back, I've got a Schemp in my office. What are you doing? Ross Geller: I'm sorry. But ah, hey, oh, somebody's off the phone, how 'bout a glass of wine by the fire, I could get it going again. Rachel Green: Ross you're not listening to me, I don't have time to stop. Ross Geller: Come on Rach, you don't have what, ten minutes? Rachel Green: I don't have ten minutes!! Ross Geller: What? Sophie, does she have ten minutes? Rachel Green: Hey, Ross!!! I told you I don't! Ross Geller: Don't yell at me okay, this is the most I've seen you all week. Rachel Green: Look, I cannot do this right now, okay, I've got a deadline, would you just go home, I'll talk to you later. Ross Geller: Yeah, but wait... Rachel Green: Good bye! Sophie: Actually, that's our three hole punch. Ross Geller: Hey. Rachel Green: Hi. Look um, about what happened earlier... Ross Geller: No, hey, well, I-I completely understand. You were, you were stressed. Rachel Green: I was gonna give you a chance to apologise to me. Ross Geller: For what? For letting you throw me out of your office? Rachel Green: You had no right coming down to my office Ross. You do not bring a picnic basket to somebody's work! Unless maybe they were a park ranger! Ross Geller: Yeah, well excuse me for wanting to be with my girlfriend on our anniversary, boy what an ass am I. Rachel Green: But I told you, I didn't have the time! Ross Geller: Yeah, well you never have the time. I mean, I don't feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore, Rachel. Rachel Green: Wh, Ross what do you want from me? You want me, you want me to quit my job so you can feel like you have a girlfriend? Ross Geller: No, but it'd be nice if you realised, it's just a job! Rachel Green: Just a job! Ross Geller: Yes. Rachel Green: Ross do you realise this is the first time in my life I'm doing something I actually care about. This is the first time in my life I'm doing something that I'm actually good at. I mean. if you don't get that... Ross Geller: No, hey, I get that, okay, I get that big time. And I'm happy for ya, but I'm tired of having a relationship with your answering machine! Okay, I don't know what to do anymore. Rachel Green: Well neither do I! Ross Geller: Is this about Mark? Rachel Green: Oh my God. Ross Geller: Okay, it's not, it's not. Rachel Green: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross, no, you're, you're, you're making this too hard. Ross Geller: Oh I'm, I'm making this too hard. Okay, what do you want me to do. Rachel Green: I don't know, I don't know. Urrrgh! Look, maybe we should take a break. Ross Geller: Okay, okay, fine, you're right. Let's ah, let's take a break, let's cool off, okay, let's get some frozen yogart, or something.. Rachel Green: No. A break from us. Chloe: And the advances in collating in the past five years, I mean we just got in an X-5000, y'know. The X-5000 makes the X-50 look like a T-71. Chloe: Hey, it's the dinosaur guy. Hi, Ross. Ross Geller: Oh, hi Chloe. Chloe: I want you to met some friends of mine. This guy is my hero, he comes in with some stuff he wants it blown up 400%, we said we don't do that, and he says you gotta. And y'know what, we did it. And now anytime anybody wants 400, we just say 'let's Ross it!' Chandler Bing: And that's the only colour that comes in. Issac: Yo, Chloe, do you have a quarter for the condom machine? Chloe: Oh! Chandler Bing: So, what are you doing here? I thought tonight was your big anniversary dinner. Ross Geller: Yeah, little change in plans. Ahh, we're gonna break-up instead. Monica Geller: Oh, and I can also speak a little French. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? Why? What did I say? Mischa: Well, you just asked if I wanted to go to bed with you tonight. Monica Geller: Oh my God! No wonder I get such great service at Cafe Maurice. Phoebe Buffay: Knock, knock, knock, knock, hi. Um, could you please tell Sergei that um, I was fascinated by what Boutros Boutros Gali said in the New York Times. Phoebe Buffay: You didn't say Boutros Boutros Gali. Mischa: Boutros Boutros Gali. Mischa: He says he was too. Phoebe Buffay: Interesting. Mischa: So I was wondering... Phoebe Buffay: Okay, ah, before you get all talky again, umm, could you also please tell Sergei that I really like his suit. Mischa: Eh, he said, thank you very much, he thinks you look very pretty tonight, your hair, golden like the sun. So you're a chef? Monica Geller: I'm also thinking about opening up my own restaurant. Mischa: Oh, really. Phoebe Buffay: Monica, can I talk to you behind my menu, please. What are you doing? Monica Geller: Well, I was having a conversation. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah but, Mischa is so interested in you, that Sergei and I haven't been able to say two words to each other. Monica Geller: What do you want me to do? Just sit here silently while you three have a conversation? Phoebe Buffay: That would be great. Thank you. Rachel Green: Hello! Mark Robinson: Oh, hi. It's Mark. Rachel Green: Oh. Mark Robinson: What? Is it my breath? Rachel Green: No! Sorry, I just thought you were somebody else. Hi! Mark Robinson: Hi. Well, look, I was just gonna leave a message, isn't tonight your, your big anniversary dinner? Rachel Green: Yeah. Well, umm... Mark Robinson: Rach, are you okay? Rachel Green: Yeah, I'm fine. Mark Robinson: You wanna talk, I mean I can come over? Rachel Green: No! Really, no, please, please, that's, that's okay. Mark Robinson: All right, all right, I'm coming over, and I'm bringing Chinese food. Rachel Green: Oh, yeah, I'm not, I'm not hungry. Mark Robinson: It's for me. Rachel Green: Oh. Okay, bye. Joey Tribbiani: So what are you gonna do? Ross Geller: What can I do? One person wants to break-up, you break-up. Chandler Bing: Hey, no way! Come on, this is you guys, call her and work it out. Ross Geller: Oh come on, we just had this huge fight, all right, don't I have to wait a while? Chandler Bing: Hey, this isn't like swimming after you eat, pick up the phone!! Chandler Bing: Y'know that whole swimming thing is a myth. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Lenny. Chandler Bing: Why? What happened to him? Joey Tribbiani: Nothing, he's just really believes in that. Rachel Green: Oh, and then, we got into this big, stupid fight. I just, it was awful. I told him he treats me like a park ranger, or something, oh and then I told him I wanted to take a break, I don't want to take a break. Mark Robinson: Wow. I'm sorry. Eggroll? Rachel Green: No. And then I called him, and he wasn't there. Mark Robinson: Well, then he's, he's probably just, out. Rachel Green: Oh, thank you that's very helpful, I'm glad you came over. Rachel Green: Hello. Ross Geller: Hi! It's me. Rachel Green: Hi! Oh, I'm so glad you called. Ross Geller: Really? I've been thinking, this is crazy, I mean don't, don't you think we can work on this? Mark Robinson: Hey, what do you want to drink? Ross Geller: Who's that? Rachel Green: Nobody. Mark Robinson: Is it okay if I finish the apple juice? Ross Geller: Is that Mark? Rachel Green: Umm, honey, look he just came over to... Ross Geller: Yeah! Got it! Chloe: Hey, dinosaur guy, look at you, so sad. Come dance. Ross Geller: Ah, that's okay, thanks. Chloe: Hey, you don't have to smile. You just have to dance. Ross Geller: Look, I don't feel like dancing, I feel like having a drink. Okay? Chloe: Oh, okay. Hey, two beers. Mischa: And the vet said it was time. And so from half a world away, while my Mother held the phone to his ear, I said good bye to my dog,. In seven languages. Monica Geller: Oh. Can I have a tissue? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah, sure. I just hope you, hope you don't accidentally suck it up through your nose and choke on it. Mischa: Sergei, would like to apologise for my behaviour tonight. Phoebe Buffay: Well, tell him, apology accepted. Mischa: Oh, he's unbelievable. I mean for the first time in three years somebody wants to actually want to talk to me, but do you think he would let me enjoy that, no!! You silly diplomat, why don't you learn some English, Sergei? Phoebe Buffay: Excuse me, but umm, isn't he paying for your dinner? Monica Geller: Hey, the man's dog just died. Mischa: I have just resigned my post. Would you care to accompany me to the Rainbow Room? I have diplomatic coupons. Monica Geller: It will be my pleasure. My guy has diplomatic coupons. Your guy can't even say coupons. Sergei: Uh, plate? Phoebe Buffay: Plate! Yes, plate. Sergei: Plate. Plate. Plate. Phoebe Buffay: See, we don't need them. Sergei: Plate? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Ross Geller: I like this song. Chloe: Well, you're practically dancing already. Why don't you just do it over here? Ross Geller: Oh, no, no. Chloe: What? Are you married? 'Cause that's okay. Rachel Green: Oh, be home, be home, be home, be home, be home, be home. Be home. Be home, be home, be home. Oh, you're not home. Chloe: Still no smile? Sergei: Touchet, touchet, Miss Americccan pie. Ameri-ccan. Phoebe Buffay: Ameri-can. Sergei: Ameri-ccan. Phoebe Buffay: Ameri-can. Y'know it's a very hard language. Let's do it again. Sergei: Everybody!!
Ross Geller: I mean, I don't feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore. Rachel Green: You want me to just quit my job so that you can feel like you've got a girlfriend? Ross Geller: Is this about Mark? Rachel Green: Oh my God. Ross Geller: Okay, it's not, it's not. Rachel Green: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight with you Ross! Look, urrgh, maybe we should take a break. Ross Geller: Fine, you're right. Let's ah, let's take a break, let's cool off, okay, let's get some frozen yoghurt, or something.. Rachel Green: No. A break from us. Rachel Green: Then, we had this big, stupid fight, and I said I wanted to take a break, I don't want to take a break. Ross Geller: I've been thinking, this is crazy, I mean don't, don't you think we can work on this? Mark Robinson: Hey, what do you want to drink? Ross Geller: Who's that? Rachel Green: Nobody. Ross Geller: Is that Mark? Rachel Green: Umm, honey, look he just came over to... Ross Geller: Yeah! Got it! Chloe: Hey, come dance. What? Are you married? 'Cause that's okay. Monica Geller: Hey. Rachel Green: Hey. Monica Geller: How's the big anniversary dinner? Rachel Green: Well, we never actually got to dinner. Monica Geller: Ohhh, nice. Rachel Green: No, we kinda broke up instead. Monica Geller: What?! Rachel Green: God, Monica it's on the ceiling. Monica Geller: That's okay, this is more important than fruit on my ceiling! You broke up?! Rachel Green: Yeah, but it's okay, because when Ross left Mark came over. Monica Geller: Oh no!! Rachel Green: No. Monica Geller: Rachel, you and Mark?! Rachel Green: No, no-no, it's okay, calm down. Mark and I talked, and I realised how much I love your stupid brother, and, yeah, we got our problems, but I really want to make it work. Chloe: Morning! Rachel Green: Hi, it's me. I've been trying to reach you all night. I feel awful. Please, Ross, you gotta know there is nothing between me and Mark. This whole break-up thing is just stupid. Ross Geller: Yeah!! Rachel Green: Eh, I'm just so sorry I put you through it. And, I y'know, I don't want to get back together over a machine. Ross Geller: Na-huh. Rachel Green: So, I love you. Ross Geller: I love you. Rachel Green: And y'know what, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to bed now, but ah, on my way to work tomorrow morning, I'm gonna stop by around 8:30. Ross Geller: Okay. Rachel Green: Bye. Ross Geller: Chloe, Chloe how's it coming?!! Chloe: Hey, what kind of puppy do you think I should get? Ross Geller: Umm, oh, hey, I don't know. How about a big one? Chloe: But my apartment is so... Ross Geller: Well then a small one!! Listen, let's, we kinda have to get going! Chloe: Wait! Where's my shoes? Ross Geller: You, you sure you need shoes? Okay. Chloe: Do I know why we're rushing? Ross Geller: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told you about last night? Well it turns out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!! Chloe: That's so great for you guys! Ross Geller: Yeah! Chloe: You must be so happy! Ross Geller: Yes, yes I am, one of the many things I'm feeling. Well... Chloe: Good luck, with your girlfriend. Ross Geller: Oh, thank you. Hey, hey. Rachel!!!! Rachel Green: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message. Ross Geller: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time. Rachel Green: So what do you say? Can I be your girlfriend again? Ross Geller: Yes, you can, very much. Ross Geller: Ahhhh!! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, why are you mopping your ceiling? Monica Geller: Oh, there's banana on it. Phoebe Buffay: Wow, I have the spirit of an old Indian women living in mine. Monica Geller: So then you know? Phoebe Buffay: The mailman was downstairs, so I brought up your mail. Monica Geller: Oh, good. Thanks. Phoebe Buffay: Now what is Fabutec? Monica Geller: Okay, all right don't judge me to much. Okay? Um, but I saw this info-mercial, and um, I swear to you I have never-ever bought anything on TV before, except for this mop. But there was this stuff on leg waxing, it just, it looked so amazing... Phoebe Buffay: Waxine!! Monica Geller: Yes! Have you seen it? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's incredible! I so want to be a Waxine girl. Monica Geller: I know!! Phoebe Buffay: God. Do think it really doesn't hurt? 'Cause how can they do that? Monica Geller: Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain forest! Phoebe Buffay: They have the best stuff in there. Chandler Bing: Oh my God! Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. We figured when we couldn't find you, you'd gone home to make up with Rachel. Which is probably what you shoulda done. Huh? Ross Geller: You think?! God, I, ah, I'm in hell. I mean what, what am I gonna do? Rachel's all like, 'I love you and, and let's work on this.' And all I can think about is, 'What is she gonna do? What is she gonna say?' when I tell her what I did. Chandler Bing: Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more important question. How dumb are you? Ross Geller: What?! Look, we're trying to rebuild a relationship here, right. How am I supposed to do that here, without being totally honest with each other? Joey Tribbiani: Look, Ross look, I'm on board about this totally honesty thing, I am, just not about stuff that's gonna get you in trouble. Chandler Bing: He's right. Nobody's gonna benefit, and you're just gonna hurt her. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, and there won't be a relationship left to rebuild. Ross Geller: Yeah, but don't you think... Chandler Bing: All right look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for. Ross Geller: Yeah, okay. Joey Tribbiani: All right, okay, now, we just have to make sure she doesn't find out some other way. Did you think about the trail? Ross Geller: What trail? Joey Tribbiani: The trail from the woman you did it with to the woman you hope never finds out who did it! You always have to think about the trail! Ross Geller: Oh, I-I don't think there's any trail. Chandler Bing: Okay, okay-okay, ah, Chloe works with that guy Issac. Issac's sister is Jasmine. And Jasmine works at that message place with Phoebe. And Phoebe's friends with Rachel. And that's the trail, I did it! Phoebe Buffay: After applying the Waxine and linen strips to leg number one, Monica Geller: Did that! Phoebe Buffay: Grasp one of the linen strips by its 'easy grab tab' and pull it off in one quick pain free motion. Monica Geller: Okay. Ow!!!!! Ow-oh-oh! Phoebe Buffay: Was it not pain-free? Monica Geller: No. It was painful. Oh my God , they should call it Pain-zine, now with a little wax. Phoebe Buffay: Huh, well, the girls in the satin nighties on the commercial don't seem to think it's that bad. Monica Geller: That's because their nerves are probably deadened from being so stupid. But hey, y'know if you don't believe me, please, by my guest. Phoebe Buffay: Ow-ow-ow-ow! Oh my God!!! Monica Geller: Now, are you glad we didn't start with the bikini strips? Ross Geller: Chloe? Hi.. Chloe: Is this about me taking your watch? Ross Geller: You took my watch? Chloe: I'm sorry, I do that. Ross Geller: Just you keep it, listen did you, did you tell anyone about us? Chloe: Oh no. I feel it isn't really anybody's business, y'know. Ross Geller: Exactly. So you didn't, didn't mention anything to Issac right? Chloe: Oh, well I tell Issac everything. Ross Geller: You tell, of course you do. Issac. Issac. Hey, Issac. Issac, hi! Y'know we haven't actually met... Issac: You dog! Ross Geller: Yes, I suppose I am a dog. But Issac, see I-I happen to have a girlfriend. Issac: Oh right, that Rachel chick from the coffee place. Ross Geller: Yeah, that's the one. Listen, I don't want to hurt her. Issac: Oh, hey, man I know, doesn't matter how much we love 'em, monogamy is too cruel a rule. Ross Geller: Yeah. Listen, can you keep this information to yourself? Issac: Aw, no problem dude. Y'know we got to look out for each other. We're the same, you and me. Ross Geller: Actually, no, we're not. Issac: Yeah, we are. Ross Geller: No, we're not. Issac: Yeah, we are. Ross Geller: No, we're not!! Issac: Okay, we're not. Ross Geller: Right. Issac: But, we are. Ross Geller: Fine. I just need to know that you're not gonna tell your sister. Issac: I can promise not to tell her again. Ross Geller: Jasmine? Jasmine: Uh-huh. Ross Geller: We met at Phoebe's birthday party, I'm, I'm Ross Geller. Jasmine: You did a bad thing! Ross Geller: Yes, I did. Jasmine: Very bad! Ross Geller: Very bad. Jasmine: Very, very bad. Ross Geller: I'm agreeing with you. Did you, listen, did you happen to tell Phoebe yet? Jasmine: No. Ross Geller: Okay, Jasmine, please, please don't. I love my girlfriend very much, and I want more than anything to just work it out with her. Okay? Jasmine: All right. Ross Geller: Thank you, thank you. Jasmine: But you should probably talk to my roommate, because I told him and he knows Phoebe too. Ross Geller: Who's your roommate? Ross Geller: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn't say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place. Gunther: I'm sorry. Was I not supposed to? Monica Geller: Ow! Phoebe Buffay: Oh!! Monica Geller: Ow!! Ow!! Phoebe Buffay: Ow!!! Phoebe Buffay: We're all right. Monica Geller: It's okay, it's okay. Phoebe Buffay: We're all right. Monica Geller: We were just waxing our legs. Chandler Bing: Off?!! Phoebe Buffay: For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience. Chandler Bing: Yeah, well I don't think you can make that statement, unless you've been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I-I think that women just have a lower threshold of pain than men, that's all. I mean, come on, it's just a little wax. Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, come here. Chandler Bing: Oh, that's mature. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, fine, so now what, I just pull it off? Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh. Monica Geller: That's right. Ross Geller: Come on, Rachel, come on! Talk to me! Please!! Rachel Green: I can't talk to you. I can't even look at you right now! Monica Geller: What? Chandler Bing: Nothing, nothing. Monica Geller: Rachel said everything was okay. Phoebe Buffay: What, what are they talking about? Ross Geller: Rachel? Rachel Green: Just get away from me! Ross Geller: No, it was a mistake! I made a mistake! Okay? Rachel Green: A mistake?! What were you trying to put it in? Her purse?! Phoebe Buffay: Whe-where did he put it?! Rachel Green: Ross, you had sex with another woman! Monica Geller: Oh my God. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday. Chandler Bing: Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight, and he got drunk... Monica Geller: Oh!! You guys knew about this and you didn't tell us?! Chandler Bing: He has sex, and we get hit in our heads. Rachel Green: Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here! Ross Geller: No!! Rachel Green: Just get out! Now!! Ross Geller: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this. Rachel Green: Okay! All right! How was she? Chandler Bing: Uh-oh. Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: Was she good? Joey Tribbiani: Don't answer that. Rachel Green: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, let's talk about it!! How was she? Ross Geller: She was... Joey Tribbiani: Awful! Horrible! Chandler Bing: She was not good. Not good. Joey Tribbiani: She was nothing compared to you. Ross Geller: She, she was different. Joey Tribbiani: Ewwwww! Chandler Bing: Uh-oh. Rachel Green: Good different? Ross Geller: Nobody likes change. Ross Geller: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay. Phoebe Buffay: Should we do something? Chandler Bing: Yeah, never cheat on Rachel. Ross Geller: I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry. I wa-I was disgusted with myself, and this morning I was so, I was so upset and then I got your message and I was so happy, and all I wanted was to get her out of my apartment as fast as possible. Rachel Green: Whoa!! Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What time did your little friend leave? Oh my God. She was there? She was still there? She was in there, when I was in there?! Ross Geller: Listen. Oh hey, hey, the important thing was that she meant, she meant nothing to me! Rachel Green: And yet she was worth jeopardising our relationship!! Ross Geller: Look, I didn't think there was a relationship to jeopardise. I thought we were broken up. Rachel Green: We were on a break! Ross Geller: That, for all I knew would, could last forever. That to me is a break-up. Rachel Green: You think you're gonna get out of this on a technicality? Ross Geller: Look, I'm not trying to get out of anything, okay. I thought our relationship was dead! Rachel Green: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake! Joey Tribbiani: Y'know what, I don't think we should listen to this anymore. Monica Geller: What, what are you doing? You can't go out there. Joey Tribbiani: Why not?! I'm hungry. Monica Geller: Because they'll know we've been listening. Rachel Green: God! And to have to hear about it from Gunther!! Ross Geller: Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you, I ran all over the place trying to make sure that didn't happen! Rachel Green: Oh, that is so sweet. I think I'm falling in love with you all over again. Chandler Bing: Y'know what, I think we can go out there. I mean they have more important things to worry about. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, we'll be fine. Ross Geller: Look Rachel, I wanted to tell you, I thought I should, I-I did, and then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to. Chandler Bing: Wax the door shut, we're never leaving, ever. Phoebe Buffay: Hi, it's Phoebe. Listen someone's gonna have to take my 9:00 with Mr. Rehack, 'cause it's like 9:15 now, and I'm not there. Ross Geller: Don't you realise none of this would've ever happened if I didn't think at that same moment you weren't having sex with Mark? Rachel Green: All right. Let's say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been able to forgive me? Ross Geller: Yes I would. Rachel Green: You'd be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked with me, and made love to me? Ross Geller: Yes. Rachel Green: You knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were... Ross Geller: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Okay, okay, yeah, I would have been devastated but, I would still want to be with you. Because it's, I mean it's you. Everyone: Ohhhhh! Ross Geller: What? Come on Rach, tell me what you're thinking? Rachel Green: I'm thinking, I'm gonna order a pizza. Ross Geller: Order a pizza like, 'I forgive you?' Joey Tribbiani: Oh man, pizza? I like pizza. Put olives on the pizza. Phoebe Buffay: We could eat the wax! It's organic. Chandler Bing: Oh great, food with hair on it. Phoebe Buffay: No, not the used wax. Chandler Bing: Because that would be crazy? Ross Geller: Hey, can I, can I get in on that? Because I'm kinda hungry myself. Rachel Green: Fine. Hi! Yes, I'd like to order a large pizza. Ross Geller: No anchovies. Rachel Green: With ah, extra anchovies. Ross Geller: That's okay, I'll just pick 'em off. Rachel Green: Yeah, and could you please chop some up and just put it right there in the sauce? Ross Geller: You can have the last piece, if you want. Rachel Green: Well, I should think so. You slept with someone. Phoebe Buffay: They're gonna get through this, aren't they? Chandler Bing: Yeah, come on, it's Ross and Rachel, they've got too. Monica Geller: What if they don't? Joey Tribbiani: You think I need a new walk? Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: Well y'know, I've been walking the same way since high school. Y'know, y'know how some guys they walk into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk. Chandler Bing: Are you actually saying these words? Ross Geller: What, now you're not even taking to me? Look Rachel, I-I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry, I was out of my mind. I thought I'd lost you, I didn't know what to do. Come on! Come on, how insane must I have been to do something like this? Huh? I-I don't cheat right, I, that's not me, I'm not Joey! Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-ho-ho! Yeah, okay. Monica Geller: Hey. It's three in the morning. They don't know that I've come home yet. You notice how neither one of them are wondering where I am. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, y'know, people can be so self-involved. Ross Geller: Y'know what, y'know what, I'm-I'm not the one that wanted that, that break, okay. You're the one that bailed on us. You're the one that, that ran when things got just a little rough! Rachel Green: That's... Ross Geller: That's what?! Rachel Green: That is neither here nor there. Ross Geller: Okay, well here we are. Now we're in a tough spot again, Rach. What do you want to do? How do you want to handle it? Huh? Do you wanna fight for us? Or, do you wanna bail? Look, I, I did a terrible, stupid, stupid thing. Okay? And I'm sorry, I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I just can't see us throwing away something we know is so damn good. Rachel, I love you so much. Rachel Green: No Ross!! Don't! You can't just kiss me and think you're gonna make it all go away, okay? It doesn't work that way. It doesn't just make it better. Okay? Ross Geller: Okay, okay, okay. Rachel Green: I think you should go. Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: I really think you need to go now. Ross Geller: Okay, okay. This morning you said there was nothing so big that we couldn't work past it together... Rachel Green: Yeah, what the hell did I know! Ross Geller: Look, look, there's got to be a way we can work past this. Okay, I can't imagine, I can't imagine my life without you. Without, without these arms, and your face, and this heart. Your good heart Rach, and, and... Rachel Green: No. I can't, you're a totally different person to me now. I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me, ever. God, and now I just can't stop picturing with her, I can't, it doesn't matter what you say, or what you do, Ross. It's just changed, everything. Forever. Ross Geller: Yeah, but this can't be it, I mean. Rachel Green: Then how come it is? Phoebe Buffay: They've been quiet for a long time. Joey Tribbiani: Maybe she killed him? Chandler Bing: Let's go. Chandler Bing: Is that your new walk? Joey Tribbiani: No, I really have to pee.
Joey Tribbiani: Can I see the comics? Chandler Bing: This is the New York Times. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, may I see the comics? Monica Geller: Guys. I thought you were taking Ross to the game? Chandler Bing: We are. He's meeting us here. Monica Geller: No! Rachel is meeting us here. Phoebe Buffay: Oh come on, they can be in the same room. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you shoulda been there last night. Phoebe Buffay: Why? What happened now? Joey Tribbiani: Well Ross was hangin' out over at our place, Rachel comes over to borrow some moisturiser from Chandler... Chandler Bing: Yeah y-you, how hard is it to say something? Rachel came over to borrow something. Joey Tribbiani: Anyway! Her and Ross just started yelling at each other. Phoebe Buffay: Wait. Why was he yelling at her? He's the one who slept with someone else. Joey Tribbiani: Well, I guess he says that because they were on a break when it happened, that she should of forgiven him by now. Phoebe Buffay: Whoa!! He is soo unreasonable! God, although I think I understand what he means. Oh my God, this is like 60 Minutes, okay, when, when, at first you're really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then y'know you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow. Chandler Bing: Y'know what this is like? This is like when my parents got divorced. Man, I hope Ross doesn't try to kidnap me after Cub Scouts. Phoebe Buffay: Y'know I had a dream where Ross and Rachel were still together, they never broke up. And we were all just like hanging out, and everyone was happy... Joey Tribbiani: I had the same dream! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, and nobody slept with that Xerox girl. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I had the opposite dream. Chandler Bing: Y'know what maybe it's gonna be okay, I mean it's been a week. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I mean it's never taken me a week to get over a relationship. Monica Geller: It's never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship. Monica Geller: Okay, let's go!! Let's hit the road!! Rachel Green: Hey! Monica Geller: Let's get the show on it! Rachel Green: Okay, let me just get a cup of coffee. Monica Geller: Oh Rachel, I know the best coffee house and it's sooo close. Rachel Green: Closer than here? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hey, look, I found coffee! Okay, let's skedaddle. Rachel Green: Wait, I'm not just gonna drink somebody's old coffee. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, your highness. Phoebe Buffay: Um, Rachel I'm really sorry. That's okay, do you wanna get back together? Yeah, okay. Did anyone else hear that?! Rachel Green: Is he here? Chandler Bing: No. Rachel Green: Oh. Here's your moisturiser. Hi! Rachel Green: You guys are gonna love meee! Okay, check it out, Thursday night, five tickets, Calvin Klein lingerie show, and you guys are coming with me. Okay, I said that out loud right? Chandler Bing: Yes, yes, it's just that we ah, we kinda all ready, made plans with Ross. Rachel Green: Oh, well okay. Well, there you go. Phoebe Buffay: No, it's just that he got this new like home theater dealie, and he wants y'know, us to check it out. Rachel Green: Hm-mm. Chandler Bing: Yeah, he's really excited about it too, he even recorded show times on his answering machine. Rachel Green: Ohh! Monica Geller: We're sorry honey. Rachel Green: Oh, it's okay. Joey Tribbiani: Rach, it's, it's ah, it's not that we don't want to, really. Are we talking models in their underwear? Rachel Green: And heels. Joey Tribbiani: Ross, did ask us first, and we set that night aside. Rachel Green: No, hey, come on, if he asked you first, that's only fair. Phoebe Buffay: Ohhh boy, do I feel bad. Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah. Monica Geller: Very bad. Phoebe Buffay: Chandler what are you doing?! Monica Geller: Chandler!! Chandler Bing: Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani: You're smoking again?! Chandler Bing: Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I'm, I'm smoking still. Phoebe Buffay: Why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum? Chandler Bing: Look, I'm telling you this is just like my parents divorce, which is when I started smoking in the first place. Monica Geller: Weren't you nine?! Chandler Bing: Yeahhh. I'm tellin' ya something, that ah, first smoke after nap time... Chandler Bing: Oh that's great, with my luck, that's gonna be him. Phoebe Buffay: Him? Him, Ross? Chandler Bing: Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes Are On The Sparrow! When my parents got divorced is when I started using humour as a defence mechanism. Rachel Green: Hi! Uhh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because I have my sister on hold, and she said that we could use her cabin for the weekend and go skiing. Huh? I'm asking you first, right?!. I mean I'm playing by the rules. Everyone: Absolutely, yeah! Rachel Green: Chandler! You're smoking? What are you doing?! Chandler Bing: Hey, shut up!! You're not my real Mom!! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, can you close that window Chandler? My nipples can cut glass over here! Phoebe Buffay: Wait. Really?! 'Cause mine get me out of tickets. Ross Geller: Look, you guys I just wanna say, I really, really appreciate you spending this time with me. It's been a pretty hard time right now, so I just wanna say thanks. Chandler Bing: Can somebody else hug him? I have to stay by the window. Ross Geller: Oh hey, hey, huh, how about this weekend we have a laser disc marathon okay, and maybe a tournament on my new dart board? Huh, huh, what do you think? Two days of darts, it'll be great! Joey Tribbiani: It'll be great for next weekend. Ross Geller: No, no, no, this weekend guys! Joey Tribbiani: It'll be great for next weekend. I mean, it'll be grrreat. Ross Geller: What's going on? Phoebe Buffay: Well, we were um, sorta invited to go skiing, y'know Rachel's sister's cabin. Ross Geller: So, for the whole weekend? Monica Geller: We're really sorry, but um, she did ask us first. Ross Geller: Yeah, that's okay, I mean if you guys all have to go away for the first weekend I'm alone by myself, y'know then I totally, totally understand. Phoebe Buffay: Y'know what, I can stay, I'm gonna stay. 'Cause the last time I went skiing I was to afraid to jump off the chair lift, I just went around and around. Joey Tribbiani: Uh, Pheebs we kinda need you to drive us all up there in your grandmother's cab, but y'know what, I'll stay. Monica Geller: Noo! I'll stay. He's my brother. Ross Geller: What a pity stay? Monica Geller: No! We're gonna have fun. We can make fudge! Ross Geller: Pity food? Y'know what that's okay, all right, I don't need any of you to stay, okay nobody stays. Chandler Bing: Well, then, I might as well offer to stay. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, does anybody else feel bad about Ross? Monica Geller: Why? Do you think he's still mad at us? Chandler Bing: Well he's probably mad after you called him this morning to borrow his goggles. Joey Tribbiani: What? Mine aren't tinted. Phoebe Buffay: Chandler!! Chandler Bing: What? Phoebe Buffay: What does the sign say? Chandler Bing: Beam me up Jesus. Phoebe Buffay: No, the 'No Smoking' sign. There's no smoking in my Grandmother's cab. Chandler Bing: Okay, well, then, I-I have to go to the bathroom. Everyone: Oh! Phoebe Buffay: Please! Monica Geller: No Chandler no! No unscheduled stops. You can go when we stop for gas. Chandler Bing: Oh, come on, there's a rest stop right up there! Come on, I really have to goooooooooo. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, now I have to go!! Chandler Bing: Here we go. Okay, brace yourselves. Monica Geller: What? Rachel Green: Okay. Monica Geller: Ow! Phoebe Buffay: Aren't you gonna go? Rachel Green: No. Thank you. Monica Geller: No, Rachel never pees in public restrooms. Rachel Green: Well, they never have any paper in there y'know. So my rule is 'no tissue, no tuschy.' Well, if everybody's going. Phoebe Buffay: No, y'know what don't close it 'cause the... keys...are in there. Chandler Bing: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no!! Joey Tribbiani: What's going on? Chandler Bing: My lighter's in there! Chandler Bing: Damn! The tailpipe's not hot enough to light this! Joey Tribbiani: Relax okay, I-I-I can get this open. Anybody have a coat hanger? Chandler Bing: Oh I do! Op, no, wait a minute, I took it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning. Monica Geller: So, if you're parents hadn't got divorced, you'd be able to answer a question like a normal person? Joey Tribbiani: Look, I just need a wire something to jimmy it. Oh hey, one of you guys give me the underwire from your bra! Monica Geller: What?! Rachel Green: What?! Joey Tribbiani: Come on! Who has the biggest boobs? Monica Geller: Please!! Joey Tribbiani: Whoever has the biggest boobs, has the biggest bra, therefore has the biggest wire. The Girls: No, not getting my bra! Joey Tribbiani: If you wanna get back in the car, we need the wire, your call. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, Monica's are the biggest. Monica Geller: These tiny, little non-breasts?! Please, it's gotta be Rachel. Rachel Green: What, no, no, no, mine are deceptively small I mean, I-I-I actually sometimes, st-stuff my bra. Monica Geller: All right then, your bra would still be big. Rachel Green: No, I stuff outside the bra. Chandler Bing: Ladies, ladies, let's just compromise okay? Phoebe, Rachel take off Monica's bra. Phoebe Buffay: All right, forget it, nevermind, you can have mine. Rachel Green: Chandler, what are you doing? There is a trash can right there. Chandler Bing: Well, I thought if I littered, that crying Indian might come by and save us. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, there. Joey Tribbiani: Thank you Phoebe, that is very, very generous. Chandler Bing: Okay, now let's decide who has the nicest ass. Joey Tribbiani: And there you go! Everyone: Oh, yeahhhhh!!! Monica Geller: Chandler!! Chandler Bing: At least let me smoke it to the good part. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Oh, no! Rachel Green: What, what's it, what's going on? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, this has happened before. Rachel Green: So you know how to fix it? Phoebe Buffay: Yep. Put more gas in. Carol Willick: Hi! Ross Geller: Hey. Carol Willick: Hey, what are you doing here? Ross Geller: Well, oh just ah, I was just wondering, when you and I split up, did you get the tape that was half the last episode of M*A*S*H and half the hostages coming home? Carol Willick: Ah yeah, but now it's Susan and me in Mexico and the hostages coming home. Ross Geller: Where's Ben? Carol Willick: He's sleeping. Ross Geller: Ahh. Ooh, is this a ah, is this a bad time? Carol Willick: Umm, yeah, actually, Susan's gonna be home any minute, it's kinda an anniversary. Ross Geller: Oh! I thought you guys got married in uh, January? Carol Willick: It's not that kind of anniversary. Ross Geller: Ah! Oh. Carol Willick: Sooo!! Anyway... Ross Geller: Umm, candles, champagne, yeah anniversaries are great. 'Cause you know love lasts forever, y'know. Nothing like it in this lifetime, money in the bank, so Rachel and I broke up. Carol Willick: Oh God, Ross I am so sorry. Ross Geller: Yeah, well. Carol Willick: Y'know what, I want to talk to you about this so much, but we should probably do it when we could really get into it, are you free for dinner tomorrow night? Ross Geller: Oh yeah, I'd love that. Carol Willick: Oh, great! Me too. Ross Geller: I guess it all started when Rachel got this new job. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, yeah. Triple A can pick us up. Rachel Green: Great! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, what town are we near? Monica Geller: Freemont. West-Westmont, ah Westburg? Phoebe Buffay: Then why are you answering? Do you at least know what route we're on? Rachel Green: Yeah, we are definitely on Route 27. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. We are at a rest stop on Route 27. Okay. There is no Route 27. Okay, either 93 or 76? Rachel Green: I don't know, I'm sorry, I always slept in the back when we drove up here. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Hey, can you send somebody up and down 76 and check every rest stop, and, and also 93? Okay! Yeah, no they don't do that. Rachel Green: Ugh, okay, well somebody will come and save us. Monica Geller: Who? I mean have you seen a car come by here in the last hour and a half? I think we should call Ross, maybe he can get a car and come pick us up. Rachel Green: No! No, I am not getting in a car with Ross, we will just have to live here! Phoebe Buffay: But if... Rachel Green: No you guys, I am not getting in a car with him, you'll have to think of something else. Phoebe Buffay: Oh good, oh Joey and Chandler are back. Monica Geller: So the going for help went well? Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, Smokey Joe here got half way to the highway and collapsed. Chandler Bing: I have the lung capacity of a two year old. Monica Geller: Then why are you smoking? Chandler Bing: Well it's very unsettling. Ross Geller: ...right? Right? I mean it's pretty unbelievable y'know, I mean they just took off, took off without even looking back. Y'know I don't, I don't need them, huh, I've got you guys now as friends, you and Susan. Carol Willick: Ah, Susan will be so pleased. Ross Geller: 717? Where's 717? Hey, you've have more of these for Susan right? Carol Willick: No. But it's okay, I'll just put out pickles or something. Phoebe Buffay: Ross, thank God. Ross Geller: Pheebs? What, why are you whispering? Phoebe Buffay: I ate a bug. Monica Geller: Hey Rach, the tampons here are only a penny. Let's stock up. Phoebe Buffay: Listen Ross, we ran out of gas, and we don't know where we are, so we can't get a tow truck. Ross Geller: Oh, now you want a favour? Phoebe Buffay: Yes, please. Ross Geller: Well, oh, I'm sorry your car broke down Pheebs, but I'm a little too busy with some of my real friends right now, but please call to let me know you got home safely okay? Carol Willick: Phoebe, hang on a second. Here, take my car, go pick up your friends. Ross Geller: No, I'm not gonna pick them up. Carol Willick: Listen, we both know you're gonna do it 'cause you're not a jerk. Okay? So you can either sulk here for a half hour and then go pick them up, or save us both time and sulk in the car. Ross Geller: No, Rachel doesn't want me to... Carol Willick: Look, I-I-I am sorry that Rachel dumped you 'cause she fell in love with that Mark guy, and you are the innocent victim in all of this, but don't punish your friends for what Rachel did to you. Ross Geller: Yeah, you're right. Carol Willick: Phoebe hang on a second Ross wants to say something. What? You slept with someone else?! Ross Geller: We were on a break!!! Okay!! We were, we were..., yeah. Where are you? I'll find you. Carol Willick: You slept with another woman? Ross Geller: Oh, you-you're-you're one to talk. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, done. Monica Geller: What's 'pleh'? Joey Tribbiani: That's 'help' spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air! Monica Geller: Huh. What's doofus spelled backwards? Rachel Green: Op, op, car! Car!! Ugh!!! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's Ross on one of his drives! Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Rachel Green: What is he doing here?! Ross Geller: He is saving your butt, ah, unless of course I'm stepping on some toes here, in which case I can just mosey on, I've got plenty of people to help on the Interstate. Everyone: No! Come on! Rachel Green: All right!! Fine! Fine. Joey Tribbiani: Arrrghh!! Chandler Bing: Oh no, now it's not gonna make any sense! Phoebe Buffay: You guys, what, what do we do about Ross who drove all the way up here? What do we do? Just like send him back and we're then gonna go skiing? Chandler Bing: Oh, this is horrible, it's just horrible. Joey Tribbiani: Guys, do you think we should ask Ross to come along? Monica Geller: I know, what about Rachel? I mean how are we even gonna ask her? Rachel Green: Ask me what? Monica Geller: Umm, if ah, it might be okay if Ross came skiing? Rachel Green: You guys are unbelievable. No! He cannot come. Ross Geller: Excuse me? Chandler Bing: It's horrible. Ross Geller: Oh please, can't I come to your special, magical cabin? Rachel Green: Why would you even want to come Ross? You're a horrible skier. Ross Geller: Oh-oh, hitting me where it hurts, my ski skills. Monica Geller: Here we go again. Joey Tribbiani: I-I can't handle this, you guys. Chandler Bing: Y'know what, I can handle it, handle's my middle name. Actually it's the ah, middle part of my first name. Ross Geller: All right Pheebs, your cab's ready. Rachel Green: All right, let's go! Ross Geller: You're welcome. Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sorry, were you speaking to me or sleeping with someone else? Ross Geller: We were on a break! Rachel Green: Y'know Ross why don't you put that on your answering machine! Ross Geller: Hey-hey, it's valid okay? And I'm not the only one who thinks so, Monica agrees with me. Rachel Green: What?! Monica Geller: I don't know. Ross Geller: That's what you said last night. Monica Geller: What I said was, was that I understood. Joey's the one who agreed with you! Ross Geller: Okay. Rachel Green: Really Joey? Joey Tribbiani: What? Phoebe Buffay: Y'know what, but there is, there is no right or wrong, here. Rachel Green: No, I think it's very obvious who's wrong here. Ross Geller: Obviously not to Joey. Joey Tribbiani: What? Ross Geller: Look both, Joey and Monica feel the same way that I do. No-no-no-no. Chandler Bing: Guys, guys, guess who I am?! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! Hey!!! Look what you're doing to Chandler!! Yeah, look, we know this is really, really hard for you guys. Okay? You don't, all right you don't have to love each other, okay? You don't, you don't even have to like each other much right now. But please, you have to figure out a way to be around each other. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, and not put us in the middle. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, otherwise, I mean that's, that's, that's just it for us hanging out together. Y'know is that what you want? Can you be civil? Rachel Green: Yeah. Ross Geller: I can. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Good, all right, let's get back in the car, 'cause it's freezing, and my chest is unsupported. Joey Tribbiani: Oh what, wait, wait a second, I mean, what are we doing? Who's going with who? Ross Geller: Look, you guys, you guys should go. No, I'm, you, you planned this all out, and I don't want to ruin it, so you guys should just go. Joey Tribbiani: Come on man, you drove all the way up here. Ross Geller: No, no, really, I've got to take the car back anyway, I'm spending all day tomorrow with Ben, It's fine, no guilt I promise. Rachel Green: Thank you. Monica Geller: All right, we'll call you when we get back. Ross Geller: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: Maybe we can like go to a movie or something. Ross Geller: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: Or, or the rodeo!! Ross Geller: That would be great. Phoebe Buffay: Okay! Chandler Bing: I was being Shelly Winters from The Poseidon Adventure. Ross Geller: I know! Phoebe Buffay: Bye!!! Carol Willick: Ugh. Ross! Ross Geller: Hi! Sorry I'm late. Were you sleeping? Carol Willick: Ahh, nooo!! Ross Geller: Oh, great! Listen, oh I had to get you a whole new battery. I got you the best one I could, 'cause that's not where you want to skimp. Carol Willick: You're a genius, Ross. Ross Geller: Yeah, well it came to about $112, but what the hell, just call it an even 110? Carol Willick: Okay, I'll pay you tomorrow. Ross Geller: Okay. Carol Willick: Okay, bye!! Ross Geller: So they ah, they all took off, it was pretty hard watching them go, y'know? Carol Willick: Yeah, okay, bye. Ross Geller: So I'm gonna take off then!
Monica Geller: What's so funny? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, nothing, no. It's an acting exercise, I'm practising my fake laugh. Monica Geller: Oh. Joey Tribbiani: What-what's so funny? Gunther: Oh, no-no, no-no-no, there's none of that in here. Chandler Bing: Oh come on man! At least let me finish this last one. Gunther: Okay, but only if you give me a drag. Chandler Bing: Okay. Gunther: Oh dark mother, once again I suckle at your smokey tit. Chandler Bing: No-no, why don't you hang on to that one. Chandler Bing: Okay, that's like the least fun game ever. Rachel Green: Well, I'm really sick of your smoking, so I brought something that is going to help you quit. Chandler Bing: Oh. Nope, that patch is no good. Rachel Green: Come on, it's a hypnosis tape. This woman at work used it for two weeks straight and she hasn't smoked since. Ross Geller: Pffhah. Rachel Green: What's your problem? Ross Geller: Nothing, it's just that hypnosis is beyond crap. Rachel Green: Ross, I watched you get hypnotised in Atlantic City. Ross Geller: Hey, that guy did not hypnotise me! Okay. Rachel Green: Oh right, 'cause you always pull your pants down at the count of three and play Wipe-out on your butt cheeks. Phoebe Buffay: All right, y'know forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bath in the sweat of six healthy young men. Chandler Bing: Or what my Father called Thursday night. Ross Geller: Here you go. Rachel Green: Oh, y'know what, I didn't want cinnamon on this. Ross Geller: Sorry. Frank Buffay Jr.: Hi! Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God!! Frank Buffay Jr.: Hi! Phoebe Buffay: Frank! Hi! Frank Buffay Jr.: How are you? Phoebe Buffay: What are you doing here? Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, well y'know, I would've called but I lost your phone number and then ah, my Mom locked me out of the house so I couldn't find it. And then, I tried to find a pay phone, and ah, the receiver was cut off. So... Phoebe Buffay: What happened? Frank Buffay Jr.: Ah, oh, the ah, vandalism. Phoebe Buffay: But, also, what happened between you and your Mom? Frank Buffay Jr.: Well, we got into a fight 'cause ah, she said I was to immature to get married. Phoebe Buffay: Your getting married?! Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, yeah! Everyone: Wow! Phoebe Buffay: My little brother's getting married!! Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, I knew you'd be so cool about this. All right, ah, hey, do you want to meet her? Phoebe Buffay: Do I? Frank Buffay Jr.: Do you? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I do, yeah. Frank Buffay Jr.: Okay, cool, all right, she just ah, parking the truck. I'm gonna, I'm gonna get my ah, my fiance man! Chandler Bing: Y'know, I would've bet good money that he'd be the first one of us to get married. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, isn't it fantastic? Monica Geller: Yeah, ah, but Pheebs don't you think he's a little young to get married? Phoebe Buffay: What, he's 18. Ross Geller: Exactly, it'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, or-or to get a hooker. Chandler Bing: Always illegal Joe. Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey! Hey! This is ah, my fiance, Mrs. Knight. Alice Knight: Y'know it-it's funny, um, Frank told me so much about you, but your not how I pictured you at all. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I'm a big surprise. Monica Geller: So, um, how-how did you guys meet? Frank Buffay Jr.: Well um, I was in ah Mrs. Knight's ah, I mean Alice, sorry, Alice, I always do that. I was in her ah, Home Ec class. Alice Knight: And he was my best student. Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, she was my best teacher. Alice Knight: Ohhh. Chandler Bing: If that doesn't keep kids in school, what will? Ross Geller: And so now you guys are gonna be married? Alice Knight: Yeah. Y'know we-we talked about just living together, but um, we want to have kids right away. Rachel Green: Oh my God!! Great! Phoebe Buffay: Wow, kids. Frank, are you sure you're ready for that? Frank Buffay Jr.: I mean, how hard can it be? Y'know, I mean, y'know, babies, y'know who doesn't want babies right? And besides y'know, I never had a Dad around, and ah, now-now I always will, 'cause y'know, it'll be me. Right? Alice Knight: Y'know, I mean, really we do realise that there's an age difference between us. Phoebe Buffay: Oh good! Okay. 'Cause you were acting like you didn't. Alice Knight: Oh no, but when it comes to love, what does age matter? Hypnosis Tape: You are falling fast asleep. Deeper. Deeper. Deeper. You are now completely asleep. You don't need to smoke. Cigarettes don't control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. A strong, confident woman. Monica Geller: And y'know what, I just realised, in the last year I've only gone out with two guys, Richard and Julio. You gotta help me out here, you gotta set me up, you gotta get me back in the game. Rachel Green: Well, that shouldn't be a problem. I mean I work in fashion and all I meet are eligible straight men. Monica Geller: Pete, can I get you something else? Peter Becker: Yeah, a slice of cheesecake and-and a date if you're given' 'em out. Monica Geller: Haven't you and I covered that topic? Peter Becker: Hmm, come on, you just said to her that you... Monica Geller: Aww, the only reason you want to go out with me because my blond wig, and the big boobs, and the fact that I serve you food. Peter Becker: Well, if that were true, I'd dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two times we went out were just plain awkward. Come on, you think she should go out with me, don't you? Rachel Green: Well, I mean, are you sure you want to go out with her? I mean that ain't a pretty picture in the morning, y'know what I mean. That wig all in disarray, and boobs flung over the night stand, y'know. Monica Geller: I mean really, think about it. Peter Becker: Ho-ho, I will. Phoebe Buffay: No, I know, I know, that this is Frank's life, y'know. Y'know, I don't want to be all judgmental, y'know, but this is sick, it's sick and wrong! Ross Geller: Pheebs, what, is it the age thing? Phoebe Buffay: No-no, oh, I'm fine with the age thing y'know, until it starts sticking it's tongue down my little brother's throat! Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs, he seems to enjoy it. Phoebe Buffay: But, I mean, do you think he's gonna enjoy it when he's up to his elbows in the diapers from all the babies they have to have right away?! This is not fair to Frank, and it-it's not fair to the babies, and y'know what, it's not good home economics. Joey Tribbiani: Well, have-have you told him how you feel? Phoebe Buffay: Yes. Not out loud. Ross Geller: Pheebs, if you don't tell him, soon he's gonna be married, and then you're gonna hate yourself. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but if I do tell him, then he's gonna hate myself. I mean look at him and his Mom, I can't. But, you guys can, please you gotta talk him out of it. Phoebe Buffay: Come on, you guys, you have nothing to lose, I have everything to lose. Do you want me to lose everything? Everything?! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I'm gonna go get Frank. Joey Tribbiani: So, we're walking down the street and I turn to you and I say, "Hey, let's go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes," remember? And then, and then, you turn to me and say, "Nah, let's just hang out at your place." Well, that was a nice move dumb ass. Rachel Green: I think you should definitely go out with this guy. Monica Geller: Nah, he doesn't do anything for me. Rachel Green: Monica, last Saturday night, what happened on Walker Texas Ranger? Monica Geller: Well, umm, Walker was looking for this big bus load of kids... All right, I get your point. Rachel Green: All right. Chandler Bing: Hi. Monica Geller: Hey. Chandler Bing: Y'know, I forgot the combination to this about a year ago? I just carry it around. Do you have any Chap Stick? Monica Geller: Uh, yeah. Rachel Green: Hey, how are those tapes working out for ya? Chandler Bing: Y'know what, pretty good. Rachel Green: Yeah? Chandler Bing: Good! I haven't smoked yet today, I feel great, and-and-and confident, that is a stunning blouse. Rachel Green: Thank you. Monica Geller: Here you go. Chandler Bing: Thanks Rachel Green: Hey Mon, let's give Pete a chance Come on, he was funny, he seems really nice, and that check thing was adorable. Chandler Bing: What check thing? Monica Geller: As a joke, this customer at work who has a crush on me gave me a $20,000 tip. His number is on the check, he just did so I'd call him. Chandler Bing: Pete Becker. Pete... Is this him? Monica Geller: That's Bill Clinton. Chandler Bing: Who's he huggin'? Monica Geller: Oh my God! That's Pete! But why is Bill huggin' Pete? Chandler Bing: This guy invented Moss 865! Every office in the world uses that program! Rachel Green: We use it!! Chandler Bing: There you go!! Rachel Green: Oh my God, Monica's gonna go out with a millionaire. Monica Geller: I'm not gonna go out with him. Rachel Green: Oh my God, I can't believe this is a real $20,000 check, oh this is just so exciting. Monica Geller: Or incredibly offensive. Rachel Green: Oh yeah, sure, that too. Chandler Bing: What? Ross Geller: All we're saying is don't rush into anything. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, come on, think about it. You're 18, okay, she's 44, when you're 36, she's gonna be 88. Frank Buffay Jr.: What, you don't think I know that? Joey Tribbiani: Look, the point is, there's a lot of women out there you haven't even had sex with yet! Ross Geller: Yeah, he-he's right, he's right. This is your time y'know, yeah, you're young, you're-you're weird, chicks dig that. Frank Buffay Jr.: Okay, but isn't sex better when it's with one person that you really, really care about. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, in a poem maybe. Ross Geller: No the man's right, that's what I had with Rachel. Frank Buffay Jr.: You don't have it anymore? Ross Geller: No, I ah, I slept with someone else. Frank Buffay Jr.: Okay, so wait, all right, so how does that make things better? Ross Geller: It didn't. Frank Buffay Jr.: Okay, so what you used to have with Rachel, is what I've got with Alice. Joey Tribbiani: Now, wh-what, what is that like? Frank Buffay Jr.: It's so cool man, it's so, it's just 'cause being with her is so much better than like not being with her. Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Why can't I find that? Ross Geller: Don't ask me, I had it and I blew it! Joey Tribbiani: Well, I want it! Frank Buffay Jr.: You can have it! Joey Tribbiani: I don't know, maybe I can't. I mean, maybe there's something wrong with me. Ross Geller: Oh, no! No! Frank Buffay Jr.: It's out there man! I've seen it! I got it!! Joey Tribbiani: Then you hold on to it!! Frank Buffay Jr.: All right, man!! Joey Tribbiani: All right, congratulations you lucky bastard! Phoebe Buffay: You're Frank's best man?! Joey Tribbiani: I couldn't help it, there love is so pure. Phoebe Buffay: Well then, what about you?! Huh?! Ross Geller: I'm the ring bearer. Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Oh, Alice, hi! Thanks. I'm so glad you could come, 'cause I've got a real umm, Home Ec emergency. Alice Knight: Oh my God, who died on this?! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I know. It's a real mustard-tastrophe. Can you help me? Alice Knight: Absolutely. Okay, first we'll start with a little club soda and salt, and then if that doesn't work we can go back to... Phoebe Buffay: Y'know what, forget it. It's ruined. Alice Knight: Oh no-no, never say that. If we can't get it out then we can cut around the stain, add a little lace, you make a stylish throw. Phoebe Buffay: Or instead, maybe you could just not marry my brother Frank. Peter Becker: Okay, that's great, but can we make it smaller? Can we make it fit on the head of a pin? I love when we make things fit on the head of a pin. Everyone: Got it. Yeah all right. Yeah, okay. Secretary: You have a Miss Monica Geller here. Peter Becker: Uh, absolutely, yeah, sEnd her in. Hi. Monica Geller: What the hell is this? Peter Becker: Hang on a second. I'll-I'll talk to you in the morning. I'm sorry what? Monica Geller: Seriously, what is this supposed to mean? Peter Becker: Well, y'know, I never know how much to tip. Monica Geller: You're supposed to double the tax. Not double the tax of Romania. I mean, what's-what's the deal? Are you, are you trying to buy me? Is this the way you get girls to go out with you? Employee: Umm, I'm still here. Peter Becker: You're taking this all wrong. Because, if I didn't leave you that tip, you wouldn't of come down here, we wouldn't be having this argument, and there wouldn't be this ah, heat between us. Monica Geller: What?! Peter Becker: Come on, you gotta admit that our relationship is ah, is hitting a new level now. 'Cause you used to be like the chef, and I was the customer, and now we're like this-this couple that fights. Monica Geller: Okay, umm, you're a loon. Peter Becker: Look, forget the check, okay. I like you. I think you're great. Come on, what do you say? Monica Geller: I don't know. Peter Becker: Why not? Monica Geller: 'Cause I don't want to encourage this kind of behaviour. Peter Becker: One meal! That's all I'm asking for. Please? We go out, we eat, and if you don't have a good time, I give you ten grand, we call it even. Frank Buffay Jr.: Hi. Wait, no! Just put the mail down. It's-it's me! Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Whoa, sorry. Why were you just like all in the dark? Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh well, um, your, your laundry just smelled so good, that I thought I'd curl up in it. Is that all right? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah, sure. So, how was your day? Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, well just probably the worst one since I've been alive. Phoebe Buffay: What umm, what happened? Frank Buffay Jr.: Umm, Alice ah, she ah, called it off. Phoebe Buffay: Oh no. Did umm, did she say why? Frank Buffay Jr.: Uh, no, not really, just that I was too young, y'know, but I don't see how I could all of the sudden be too young, 'cause I'm older than I was when we first got together. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, yeah, no, I don't, I don't know. But, y'know what, maybe it's just all for the best? Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, if the best is like unbelievable pain! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, sweetie, oh. Frank Buffay Jr.: Y'know, I just was finally happy y'know. For the first time in my life! After my Dad left me, and then, and then getting arrested for stealing those birds, and then, and then the whole punctured lung thing! I can, it's still really hard to take deep breaths in cold weather, but with Alice all that stuff kinda went away. And now it's, and now it's gone and I don't know why! Phoebe Buffay: Uh, well I can tell you why. It's, it's because of me. But, y'know what, I only did it because I love you. Okay? Frank Buffay Jr.: What? Phoebe Buffay: Umm, well I, I kinda had a little chat with Alice, and I sort of made her see why you two shouldn't be together, y'know. And you're gonna see it to, one day, you really, really will. Frank Buffay Jr.: Wait a minute, wait, this is because of you? Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Frank Buffay Jr.: Well, you, wait no, my Mother didn't want us to be together, but the worst thing she ever did was tie me to the porch. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, but. Frank Buffay Jr.: Wait, y'know what, I-I came to you because I thought you'd understand! Oh no!! Y'know, I would storm out of here right now if-if I had some money, or a place to go... Rachel Green: Oh my God! The millionaire's here! Chandler Bing: Oh my God! Monica Geller: Guys, please, I'm just gonna have dinner with him. Okay? Chandler Bing: Okay, okay, just because he buys you dinner, does not mean you owe him anything. Monica Geller: I know!! Chandler Bing: Okay, then get the lobster! Monica Geller: Hey! Peter Becker: Hi. Rachel Green: Hi!! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Ross Geller: Hi! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, how much cash do you got in your pocket right now? Monica Geller: And that's why, I'm not inviting you in for a drink. Bye. Everyone: Oh-no-no-no-no... Rachel Green: Just one drink?! Monica Geller: So, where do you want to go? Peter Becker: Hey, you like pizza? Monica Geller: Oh, that's sounds great. Peter Becker: I know a great little place. Peter Becker: You're, hey, you're not paying for the pizza! Monica Geller: Oh come on, it's only fair, you paid for the flight. Now is, is that enough lire? Peter Becker: Ahh, I'd throw another thousand on that. Monica Geller: Why, how much is that? Peter Becker: That's about 60 cents. Joey Tribbiani: Every night!! Hypnosis Tape: You do not need to smoke. Cigarettes don't control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. A strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, Frank. Look, okay, I know that you think I did like this totally evil thing, but I so didn't. There's someone here who can explain this better than I can. Alice Knight: Hi Frank. Frank Buffay Jr.: Hi, Mrs. Knight. Alice Knight: Phoebe's right Frank. I know it's hard to hear, but it would've been wrong to go through with it. I-I-I was being selfish, even though we, we want the same things now, in the future we may not. Is that it, is that what it is? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but not just that. Alice Knight: Right, not just that. Umm, even though we love each other as much as we do, none the less... Phoebe Buffay: None the less. Alice Knight: None the less. Umm, you're too young to, to really know what you want. Phoebe Buffay: That's right, exactly. All right, it's a good bye kiss, that's good. Bye-bye. Okay, no, the important thing is that you see what I'm saying, y'know, just y'know, this is clearly wrong. Okay, I've decided I'm gonna let this happen! Okay, can I just get my purse? Okay, all right, good. . Hypnosis Tape: Cigarette's don't control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. Joey Tribbiani: Joey's your best friEnd. You want to make him a cheese sandwich everyday. And you also want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants.
Gunther: Here you go. Rachel Green: Thank you. Gunther: Say Rachel, I was wondering if you'd like to go to a movie with me sometime. As my lover! Nnnsch, to out there. Maybe you'd just like to ah, get something to eat with me sometime? As my lover. Mark Robinson: Hi! Rachel Green: Hi! All right, let's go shoppin'!! Mark Robinson: Um, y'know, before we go ah, there's something I need to say. Rachel Green: Oh, okay. Mark Robinson: I've kinda of had this ah, this crush on you. But since you were with Ross, I-I didn't do anything about it. But, now that you're not, I'd really like to ask you out sometime. So-so that's-that's what I'm doing, now. Rachel Green: Wow! Umm... Gunther: I dropped a cup. Peter Becker: ...so y'know, that's why, within a few years, that voice recognition is gonna be pretty much standard on any computer you buy. Y'know, so you could be like-like, 'Wash my car.' 'Clean my room.' It's not gonna be able to do any of those things, but it'll understand what you're saying. Monica Geller: Oh, this is so great. Peter Becker: Yeah, it was. Monica Geller: All right then. Bye. Monica Geller: Hello, people who do not live here. Everyone: Hi! Hello! Monica Geller: I gave you a key for emergencies! Phoebe Buffay: We were out of Doritos. Ross Geller: Hey, how'd the date go with Mr. Millionaire? Chandler Bing: Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately. Monica Geller: He's great! I mean we have such a good time together! He's so funny, and sooo sweet, and I'm not attracted to him at all!! Ross Geller: Still?! Monica Geller: Noo!! It's driving me crazy. I mean every other way he's like the perfect guy, he has everything. Plus! He actually has everything. Chandler Bing: Life-sized Imperial Storm Troopers from Sharper Image? Monica Geller: Two. Chandler Bing: Wow!! Can Joey and I put them on and fight? Joey Tribbiani: Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! Ross Geller: I guess he musta gotten the part in that play. Chandler Bing: Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you. The Director: Joe. How's it going? Joey Tribbiani: Good. Hey. Kate Miller: Hi. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, so you're playing Adrienne, huh? Kate Miller: Yes. Are you one of the retarded cousins? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, no. Ah, I playing your husband, Victor. I'm Joey Tribianni. Kate Miller: Hi, nice to meet you. Kate Miller. Joey Tribbiani: So the ah, play's pretty great, huh? Kate Miller: Oh, yeah. I love Jennifer Van Murray's work. She's so brilliantly incisive when it comes to deconstructing the psyche of the American middle class. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, forget about it. She rocks! Kate Miller: Where do I know you from? Joey Tribbiani: Dr. Drake Remoray. Days of Our Lives. Voted most datable neurosurgeon by Teen Beat. Kate Miller: No, that's not it. So, you're a soap actor? Well this must be pretty exciting for you to be in a real play, hmm? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I've done plays before. I'm a serious actor. Kate Miller: That info-mercial! For the milk carton spout thing! You're-you're-you're the guy that doesn't know how to pour milk!! Joey Tribbiani: See, I actually can pour milk, but I got you believing that I couldn't. Now, see, that's acting. Kate Miller: Right, at the end, you choked on a cookie. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, that was real. Phoebe Buffay: Wow! I cannot believe Mark asked you out. Rachel Green: I know. Phoebe Buffay: What, so what are you gonna tell him? Rachel Green: Well, I told him I would think about it, but I'm gonna tell him no. Phoebe Buffay: Huh. Rachel Green: I mean I think I'd say no to anybody right now. Oh, but it was so strange. I mean I'm standing there with this charming, cute guy, who's asking me to go out with him, which I'm allowed to do, and I felt guilty. Y'know, like I'd be cheating on Ross or something. Phoebe Buffay: Wow. So, okay, maybe that means that, you're not over Ross yet and you have issues with your father. Rachel Green: I don't have any issues with my Father. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so it's probably just the Ross thing then. Joey Tribbiani: I hate this woman!! I hate her! She told everyone in the company about that info-mercial, and now they all keep asking me to open their drinks. Okay, and whenever I can't do it, they're all like-like laughing at me. Ross Geller: Hello. Ross Geller: So Rachel called. Wants to see me. Going over in a minute. Joey Tribbiani: Wow, what-what do you think she wants? Ross Geller: Well, maybe the crazy fog has lifted and she realises that life without me... a-sucks. Chandler Bing: It's possible. You are very loveable, I'd miss you if I broke up with you. I was just trying to be supportive. Ross Geller: Then be supportive like a guy. Chandler Bing: If I broke up with you, I'd miss you. Ross Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: Hi! Ross Geller: You ah, wanted to see me? Rachel Green: Yeah. Ahh, here's a box of your stuff. Ross Geller: What?! Rachel Green: Oh, y'know, it's just like hats, and a shirt, and CD's, just sort of stuff that you've left here. Ross Geller: What are you doing? Are you trying to hurt me? Or something? Rachel Green: No. Ross, it, it just seems that y'know it's time we-we y'know, move on. I mean, I mean don't' you think? Ross Geller: Yes. Rachel Green: Yeah? Ross Geller: Yes, I do. Rachel Green: Good. Ross Geller: Yeah, I-I really do. Hey! This-this was a gift?! Rachel Green: Ross, you got that for free from the museum gift shop. Ross Geller: It's still a gift! I got it from the gift shop! Rachel Green: Okay, all right, give me the mug! I'll keep the mug. Ross Geller: No!! Y'know-y'know don't do me any favours. In fact, where, where's the rest of my stuff?! Huh? Like-like my umm, Hey, this book is mine!! And-and-and, and that T-shirt you sleep in? I'd like that back too. Yes, I do. Rachel Green: You know how much I love that T-shirt! You never even where that T-shirt! Ross Geller: I'm just trying to help you, move on. Rachel Green: Oh, you are a petty man. You are a petty, petty... Ross Geller: Petty... Rachel Green: Petty... Ross Geller: Petty... Rachel Green: Petty... Ross Geller: Petty... Rachel Green: Small... Ross Geller: Small... Rachel Green: You are so just doing this out of spite. Ross Geller: Awwwahuh, no, no, no!! Rachel Green: Huh? Ross Geller: I'm-I'm gonna wear this all the time! I love this shirt!! Rachel Green: You have not worn that T-shirt since you were 15!! It doesn't even fit you anymore! Ross Geller: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah... Rachel Green: yeah-yeah-yeah!! Ross Geller: Oh-oh, okay, okay! If you don't mind I'm gonna the rest of my stuff, and relax, in my favourite shirt. You have a pleasant evening. Phoebe Buffay: So, you're like a zillionaire? Chandler Bing: And you're our age. You're our age. Phoebe Buffay: Y'know what, you should like, you should buy a state and then just name it after yourself. Peter Becker: What like Pete Dakota? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, or, or, or, Mississ-Pete. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, oh, I got it! Pete-Chicago. Chandler Bing: That's not a state Joe. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, and Mississ-Pete is? Peter Becker: I got to go, so ah, I'll see you guys later. Everyone: Okay. Chandler Bing: You're our age! Peter Becker: So ah, we on for tomorrow? Monica Geller: Absolutely! Now get out of here you!! Okay, I'm running out of places I can touch him! Look, is there something wrong with me? I mean why am I only attracted to guys where there's no future? Either they're too old, or they're too young, and then there's Pete who's-who's crazy about me, and who's absolutely perfect for me, and there's like zip going on! I mean, seriously, does it sound like something's wrong with me?! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, kinda. Kate Miller: Happy?! Is that what I'm supposed to be Vic? Happy? Joey Tribbiani: Well, why don't you tell me what you're supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can't figure it out! I talk to you and nothin'. You look at me, and it's nothin'. Nothing. The Director: Tasty! I'm really starting to feel like you guys have a history, it's-it's nice. Kate Miller: I have a question about this scene. The Director: Yes? Kate Miller: Well, I don't understand why Adrienne's attracted to Victor. The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, he's good looking. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Kate Miller: I think my character's gonna need a little bit more of reason than that. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey, how about this one. Ah, it's says so in the script! Y'know ah, I-I don't know why my character likes you either, I mean it says in the script here that you're a bitch. Kate Miller: It doesn't say that in the script. Joey Tribbiani: It does in mine! Chandler Bing: I can blow dry it. I can put gel on it. It doesn't matter, I still wind up with this little cowlicky thing on the middle part of my head. It's so annoying. Does it bug you? Ross Geller: You bug me. Chandler Bing: Is there any chance you didn't see that? Chandler Bing: Ross! You gotta stop! Okay?! You can't just stare through the peep hole for three hours! You're gonna get peep eye! Ross Geller: I knew it! I knew it! I always knew she liked him! Y'know, she'd say no, but here we are! Right? We just broke up, first thing she does! Chandler Bing: You didn't just break up. Ross Geller: Hey, it's been like three weeks! Chandler Bing: You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean bullets have left guns slower! Ross Geller: Here they come, here they come. Oh-ho, if she kisses him goodnight, I'm gonna kill myself, I swear. I can't, I can't watch this. Come on, date over! Date over! Uh-oh, here we go, she's going in. Chandler Bing: Okay. Ross Geller: She's going in. Wait! He's going in! He's going in!! The door's closed! I, I can't see anything but the door closed!! Chandler Bing: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave. Ross Geller: Okay, I have to do something. I mean, I have, I have to stop it! Chandler Bing: Stop what?! Ross Geller: I don't know, but I ah, I have the feeling that my being there will do it. I'll go over and I will borrow something. Juice!! I need juice!! Chandler Bing: No!! You can't!! Ross Geller: Look, they must be stopped! Chandler Bing: I am your friend, and I am not gonna let you do this!! You are surprisingly strong! Ross Geller: I need juice! People need juice!! Chandler Bing: Look man! Ross Geller: People need juice! Chandler Bing: Listen to me!! Ross Geller: Juice, I need... Chandler Bing: She's moving on! Okay, if it's not this guy, it's gonna be somebody else! And unless you're thinking about subletting my peep hole, you are going to have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over! Okay, man? It's over. Ross Geller: Yeah, okay. Chandler Bing: Okay. Ross Geller: It's just I miss her so much. Chandler Bing: I know. Mark Robinson: Why do all you're coffee mugs have numbers on the bottom? Rachel Green: Oh. That's so Monica can keep track. That way if one on them is missing, she can be like, 'Where's number 27?!' Rachel Green: Y'know what? Mark Robinson: No. And I don't think I'm gonna want to. Rachel Green: I can't do this. Mark Robinson: Yep. Yep, that's what I didn't want to know. Rachel Green: Well, oh, Mark, I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? I'm just doing it to get back at Ross. I'm sorry, it's not very fair to you. Mark Robinson: Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here! Rachel Green: Oh God. I'm sorry about this. Mark Robinson: That's okay. Rachel Green: You sure? Mark Robinson: Yeah. I can just go home and get back at him by myself. Spokeswoman: ...has become the penicillin of the twenty-first century. And so today, this hospital is about to take major steps toward leading that revolution. It is truly ironic, on one hand consider the size... Peter Becker: Hey, can I ask you something? Monica Geller: Sure. Peter Becker: Where are we? Monica Geller: Well, with all these doctors and nurses, I'm gonna say, midget rodeo. Peter Becker: Just tell me the truth. Monica Geller: Okay. Umm, y'know, I don't think, I don't think I told you this, but umm, I just got out of a really serious relationship. Peter Becker: Oh, yeah. Wasn't that like a year ago? Monica Geller: So I did tell you. Okay, y'know, that really isn't the thing. Umm, the thing is that, right now I'm just in a place in my life where I need to focus on me. Y'know what I mean? Peter Becker: Oh, yeah. I know that. Monica Geller: I so wanna be attracted to you. Peter Becker: But you're not. Okay, good. Monica Geller: I'm sorry. Peter Becker: Y'know what, don't be. This is not, don't be, 'cause it's not so bad. Monica Geller: It's not? Peter Becker: I know I'm no John Bon Jovi, or someone who find attractive, I'm just, I think, y'know, that you might end up feeling differently. Monica Geller: Well, um, look I-I don't want this to come our wrong, but ah, you seem awfully confident for a guy I just told I wasn't attracted too. Peter Becker: Yeah, stupidly charming isn't' it? Well listen let's, you wanna get something to eat? 'Cause this place is kinda depressing. Spokeswoman: And the man who made all this possible... Mr. Peter Becker. Peter Becker: One second. Chandler Bing: I don't think this town is big enough for both of us to relax in. Draw!! Chandler Bing: I wasn't doing anything. Uh-oh, what did she do now? Joey Tribbiani: Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread! Chandler Bing: Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth. Joey Tribbiani: God, I just, I hate her! I hate her!! With her, 'Oh, I'm so talented.' and 'Oh, I'm so pretty,' and 'Ooh, I smell so good.' Chandler Bing: I think somebody has a crush on somebody. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here?! Y'know? Chandler Bing: I'm talking about you. You big, big freak. Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Ohh. Ohh, you're out of your mind. Chandler Bing: Hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! If you were in a school yard you'd be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking about her in all these sexual scenarios and stuff huh?! Kate Miller: Happy?! Is that what I'm supposed to be Vic? Happy? Joey Tribbiani: Well, why don't you tell me what you're supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can't figure it out! I talk to you and it's nothin'. You look at me, and nothin'. Nothing. The Director: You guys make me fly! High! Okay, we're gonna pick it up here, tomorrow. Kate Miller: Well, that was ah... Joey Tribbiani: Better? Kate Miller: Yeah! Yeah, it was definitely an improvement. G'night. Joey Tribbiani: Ah, Kate? Kate Miller: Yeah? Joey Tribbiani: You ah, you forgot your shoes. Kate Miller: I'm probably gonna need those. Huh? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, listen you ah... Kate Miller: Hmm? Joey Tribbiani: ...feel like getting a cup of coffee? Kate Miller: Umm. The Director: Kate? Kate Miller: Yep. The Director: You ready to go? Kate Miller: Yeah. The Director: Very nice. Very nice. Kate Miller: So umm, I'll see you tomorrow, huh? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah sure, goodnight. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Why isn't it Spiderman? Y'know like Goldman, Silverman... Chandler Bing: 'Cause it's-it's not his last name. Phoebe Buffay: It isn't? Chandler Bing: No, it's not like, like Phil Spiderman. He's a spider, man. Y'know like ah, like Goldman is a last name, but there's no Gold Man. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay. There should be Gold Man! Rachel Green: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey, Rach, how was work? Rachel Green: Oh, great. Although I did sit down where there wasn't a chair. Monica Geller: By the way, Ross dropped by a box of your stuff. Rachel Green: Oh, well, I guess I had that one coming. I'm just gonna throw it out, it's probably just a bunch of shampoo and... Monica Geller: Something wrong? Rachel Green: No. Nothing. Chandler Bing: So, ahh, what kind of powers would Gold Man have? Phoebe Buffay: Okay well, he would turn things to gold. Chandler Bing: What about things that are already gold? Phoebe Buffay: Ahh, his work is done. Chandler Bing: Okay, let's play my game now. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. All right you yellow-bellied-lilly-livered-DRAW!!
Chandler Bing: Wait a minute, wait. You're telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didn't want you back?! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Oh my God! Is this what it's like to be you? Monica Geller: Wow, you're really crazy about her, huh? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you have no idea. And-and when we're on stage I get to-to kiss her and-and touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and it's like somebody's ripping out my heart! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's so great to see you feeling like this! Ross Geller: Hey! Everyone: Hey! Ross Geller: Monica, uh Dad called this morning and ah, Aunt Silvia passed away. Monica Geller: Yes!! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Ross Geller: We were all pretty shaken up about it. Phoebe Buffay: Wait, am I missing something though? 'Cause I thought death was something that's supposed to be sad, in a way. Ross Geller: Well ah, Aunt Silvia was, well not a nice person. Monica Geller: Oh, she was a cruel, cranky, old bitch! And I'm sorry she died. Did Dad say I get the dollhouse? Ross Geller: You get the dollhouse. Monica Geller: I get the dollhouse! Phoebe Buffay: Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was kid, I had a barrel. Joey Tribbiani: Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse? Phoebe Buffay: No, just a barrel. Monica Geller: Y'know what, you can play with my dollhouse. Phoebe Buffay: Really?! Really?! Monica Geller: Any time you want. Y'know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse, but no!! It was to be looked at, but never played with. Chandler Bing: My Grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me. Rachel Green: Hey, Sophie! Sophie: Hey, Rach! Chandler Bing: Hey. Sophie: Hey. Rachel Green: Thanks for lunch, Chandler. Y'know, you didn't have to walk me all the way back up here. Chandler Bing: Oh, that's-that's okay, no problem. Rachel Green: Honey um, honey, you do realise that we don't keep the women's lingerie here in the office? Chandler Bing: Yes, I realise that. Rachel Green: Summer catalogue! Chandler Bing: That's the stuff! Joanna: Rachel, I need the Versachi invoice. Hello! You don't work for me. Rachel Green: Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing Joanna. Joanna: Bing! That's a great name. Chandler Bing: Thanks, it's ah, Gaelic, for 'Thy turkey's done.' So ah, I'm gonna go, nice, nice meeting you. Joanna: Me too. Rachel Green: Bye, Chandler. Joanna: So ah, what's wrong with him? Rachel Green: Oh, nothing, he's just goofy like that, I actually, hardly notice it anymore. Joanna: Oh no, no-no-no, is he ah, married, or involved with anyone? Rachel Green: No!! No! He's not married, or involved, with anyone! Joanna: Oh, Rachel, actually, y'know what, forget it. Rachel Green: Well, I'll ask him for you, if you want me too? Joanna: Would you? Or, is it just to sad and desperate, and y'know something that Sophie would do? Sophie: Uh, uh, uh, I am here. Joanna: I know that. Monica Geller: Look at it! Ohhh! Wallpaper's a little faded, that's okay. Carpet's a little loose. Hardwood floors!! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hello. Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Ooh! Oh Monica! It's so beautiful. Monica Geller: I know!!! Phoebe Buffay: So, I'm here, ready to play. Monica Geller: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: I brought a bunch of stuff for the house, so check it out. Ha-ha. Monica Geller: What's this? Phoebe Buffay: That's a dog, every house should have a dog. Monica Geller: Not one that can pee on the roof. Phoebe Buffay: Well, maybe it's so big because the house was built on radioactive waste. Chandler Bing: And is this in case the house sneezes? Phoebe Buffay: No, no, that's the ghost for the attic. Monica Geller: I don't want a ghost. Phoebe Buffay: Well, nobody wants a ghost. But you've got one, because the house is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground. Ross Geller: Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient Indian burial ground? That would never happen. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, obviously you don't know much about the U.S. government. Rachel Green: Hey! Everyone: Hello. Rachel Green: I need to talk to you! Ross Geller: Sure, what's up? Rachel Green: Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler. Ross Geller: I-I know. Well if something comes up... Chandler Bing: Oh, I'm glad you guys are past that little awkward phase. Rachel Green: Okay, my boss, Joanna, when you left, she started asking questions about you... Chandler Bing: Oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checkin' out the Chan-Chan man! Rachel Green: That was surreal. Okay, what do think? Are you interested at all? Chandler Bing: Yeah, she seemed cool, attractive. I'll do it. Rachel Green: Oh thank you, Chandler, this is so great, she's gonna love me. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, dinosaur attack!! Quick, everybody into the house!! Ahh-ahh! Roof! Rrroof-roof-roof! Monica Geller: Okay, Phoebe, y'know what? That-that's it, that's it, all right? No dinosaurs, no ghosts, no giant dogs, okay? They're not the right size, they're not Victorian, and they just don't go. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, fine. Come dinosaur, we're not welcome in the house of no imagination. Ross Geller: Uh, Pheebs, while we're hovering around the subject. I just have to say dinosaurs, they-they don't go, rrroof! Phoebe Buffay: The little ones do. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Kate! Kate Miller: Morning. Joey Tribbiani: Listen, I ah, went to that restaurant that you were talking about last week... The Director: Hey, lovely! Come, talk to me a minute! Joey Tribbiani: And I ate the food, I had the fish, it was good, yeah. It was good, yeah... Woman: Hi, oh, I'm Lauren, Kate's understudy. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey! Joey Tribbiani. Lauren: I know! I-I'm a big fan of yours. Joey Tribbiani: What?! Lauren: I used to umm, schedule my classes so I could watch Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives. Joey Tribbiani: Get out of here, really?! Lauren: Absolutely! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah? Lauren: Oh but then, they went and dropped you down that elevator shaft. Joey Tribbiani: They gave me the shaft all right. Lauren: Oh, you're so funny. Listen, umm, what are you doing after rehearsals? Do you want to get a drink, or something? Joey Tribbiani: Well Ahh, yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great. Lauren: Cool! I-I'll see you then. Joey Tribbiani: All right. The Director: All right, it's time to act, my talking props. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Everyone: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Look everybody, look at my new dollhouse!! Rachel Green: Wow!! Phoebe Buffay: Look, look! Ross Geller: Hey, what's this?! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay, it's the slide instead of stairs. Watch this. Monica Geller: It's very interesting, Phoebe. Rachel Green: What's this? Phoebe Buffay: The Licorice Room, you can eat all the furniture. And, when guests come over, they can stay on the tootsie roll-away bed. Ross Geller: This is the coolest house ever!! Phoebe Buffay: Hey, does anybody want to join me in the aroma room? Rachel Green: All right! Ross Geller: I would! Monica Geller: Hey, guys, guys, did you see my new, china cabinet?! Phoebe Buffay: Watch, watch. Phoebe Buffay: And, and! Chandler Bing: Hey, my Father's house does that! Rachel Green: O-o-o-okay, how did it go? Tell me everything. Chandler Bing: Well, the movie was great, dinner was great, and there's nothing like a cool, crisp New York evening. Rachel Green: Hmm. Chandler Bing: Of course, I didn't get to enjoy any of that, because Joanna's such a big, dull dud! Joanna: Chandler is fantastic!! Rachel Green: What?! Joanna: Oh God, we just clicked! Y'know how people just click? Like he came by to pick me up, and I opened the door, and it was just like, click! Did he tell you? Rachel Green: Oh, I... Joanna: Oh, and he's got such a good heart! Doesn't he have a good heart? Rachel Green: Oh, I know... Joanna: Oh, I know and he's soo sweet! Listen, he said he was going to call, so put him straight through. Sophie: Isn't this great?! Joanna: Don't spoil it. Joey Tribbiani: Come on baby, don't go. Please? What do you say? The Director: Hello. Oh! It's you. Just ah, just one-one sec. I am going to take this call. When I continue, I hope that there will appear on stage this magical thing that in the theatre we call, committing to the moment! Joey Tribbiani: That guy's like a cartoon. What do you see in him anyway? Kate Miller: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater you're dating. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I'm not interested in her sweater! It's what's underneath her sweater that counts. And besides, since ah, since when do you care who I'm going out with? Kate Miller: I don't care. Why, do you want me to care? Joey Tribbiani: Do you want me to want you to care? Kate Miller: Do you? Joey Tribbiani: What? The Director: Okay, I'm afraid to say this, but let's pick it up where we left off. Joey Tribbiani: Come on baby, don't go. Please? What do you say? Kate Miller: I've got no reason to stay. The Director: Stop!! Stop it! You must stop! You are bad actors! This is a terrible play! I'll see you in the morning. Kate Miller: I can't believe we go on in, in a week. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, it's gonna be all right. Lauren: Hey! So since we're getting off early, do you want to go and paint mugs? Joey Tribbiani: What? Lauren: You know! At the place I told you about last night? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah, with the mug painting. Yeah. I was so listening to that. But ah, y'know what, I think I kinda need to work on my stuff tonight. Lauren: Oh, okay. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Lauren: I'll see you tomorrow. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Lauren: G'night. Joey Tribbiani: Ah, are you okay? Kate Miller: Yeah, I guess. Look, what are we gonna do about this scene, huh? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. Kate Miller: Well umm, maybe if it had more heat. Joey Tribbiani: How do you mean? Kate Miller: Well, Adrian's looking for a reason to stay, right? Victor can't just kiss her, he's gotta, gotta really give her a reason, y'know? Joey Tribbiani: Maybe he could slip her the tongue. Kate Miller: Or maybe, maybe he could grab her, and, and, and, and lift her up. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah, and then Adrian, she maybe she could wrap her legs around his waist. Kate Miller: And then she could rip off his shirt and kiss his chest, and, and his stomach! Joey Tribbiani: And then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her! Kate Miller: And then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with this raw, animal... Joey Tribbiani: Something like that? Kate Miller: Yeah, that's pretty much what I had in mind. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Ross Geller: Hi. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Ross Geller: Hi. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Ross Geller: It's a little early to be drinkin'. Joey Tribbiani: No-no, things ah, finally happened with Kate. Ross Geller: Ohhhhh! Monica Geller: You're kidding?! That's great! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, it was so amazing. After the love making... Monica Geller: Oh my. Joey Tribbiani: Yep. I just, I just watched her sleep for like hours, just breathing in and breathing out. And then I knew she was dreaming 'cause, 'cause her eyes keep going like this. Chandler Bing: I'm telling ya, Joanna's got it all wrong. Okay? All I said was, 'This was fun. Let's do it again sometime. I'll give you a call.' Rachel Green: Ohh, gee. I wonder why she thinks you're going to call her? Chandler Bing: That's what you say at the end of a date. Rachel Green: You can't just say, 'Nice to meet you, good night?' Chandler Bing: To her face? Look it's the end of the date, I'm standing there, I know all she's waiting for is for me to say 'I'll call her' and it's just y'know, comes out. I can't help it, it's a compulsion. Monica Geller: Come on Rach, when a guy says he's going to call, it doesn't mean he's going to call. Hasn't it ever happened to you? Rachel Green: Well, they always called. Monica Geller: Hmm, bite me. Joanna: Did he call? Rachel Green: No. Sorry. Joanna: Why?! Why?! He said he'd call. Why hasn't he called? Sophie: Maybe he's intimated by really smart, strong, successful women. Joanna: Sophie, would you please climb out of my butt. Why hasn't he called, Rachel? Why? Rachel Green: Okay, okay. Umm, well ah, maybe he, maybe he feels awkward because you are my boss. Joanna: Awkward? Why should he feel awkward? Rachel Green: Well... Joanna: The only person that should feel awkward is you, and you didn't tell him not to call me, did you? Rachel Green: No. I... Joanna: Because if you feel uncomfortable with your friend dating someone you work for, there are always ways to fix...that. Rachel Green: Call her! Call her now! Chandler Bing: Multiple, so many paper cuts. Rachel Green: Why hasn't he called Rachel? Why? Why? I don't understand. Why? He said he'll call. Why? Why? Chandler I'm telling you she has flipped out, she's gone crazy! Chandler Bing: Oh, well give me the phone then. Rachel Green: Come on, this isn't funny. She thinks it's my fault that you haven't called her. You have to call her! Chandler Bing: Look, you can't call somebody after this long just to say, 'In case you didn't notice, I don't like you!' Rachel Green: Well then you're going to have to take her out again. Chandler Bing: Nooo!! She's really dull! And she gets this gross mascara goop thing in the corner of her eye! Rachel Green: I don't care! I don't care! You are going to have to take her out again and end it, and end it in way that she knows it's actually ended. And, I don't care how hard it is for you, do not tell her that you will call her again! Chandler Bing: All right! Fine! But it's just a lunch date, no more than an hour! And from now on I get my own dates, I don't want you setting me up with anybody ever again! Rachel Green: That's fine! Chandler Bing: That's just a lot of big talk, y'know. Rachel Green: I know. Ross Geller: Mon? Monica Geller: I'm in the shower! Ross Geller: Oh, fire! There, there's a fire! Fire!! Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Kate Miller: Hi. Joey Tribbiani: So I ah, talked to Lauren, kinda told her how things were with us. Did you ah, did you talk to Marshall? Kate Miller: About what? Joey Tribbiani: Y'know, about what happened with us. Kate Miller: Nooo. And there's really no reason he should find out, so ah let's not make a big deal about it, okay? Joey Tribbiani: What are you talking about? It was a big deal. I mean, come on you can't tell me last night didn't mean something to you. I-I was there, you're not that good an actress. Kate Miller: Look umm, I, I was, I was just caught up in the moment. That's all it was. Joey, I'm-I'm sorry you feel bad, but haven't you ever sleep with a women where it meant more to her than it did to you? Joey Tribbiani: Nooo. Lauren: Hi, Kate! Kate Miller: Hi, Lauren. Joey Tribbiani: Hi, Lauren. Lauren: Hi, pig! Ross Geller: Sorry I ah, I scared you in there. Monica Geller: Oh, that's okay. By the way, I was just checking the shower massager. Ross Geller: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Monica Geller: I tried to reach you at work. There's...been a fire. Phoebe Buffay: What?! Oh my... Oh my God!! What happened?! Ross Geller: Well, we believe it originated here. In the Aroma Room. Phoebe Buffay: All right. Did everyone get out okay? Monica Geller: Well, the giraffe's okay. And so is the pirate. Phoebe Buffay: Ohh. What is this? Ross Geller: No Phoebe, don't look! You don't want to see what's under there!! Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, the-the Foster puppets! Chandler Bing: It's not a big deal. It's, just it's right here, and it's all the time. Joanna: Well, thanks again for lunch. Chandler Bing: Yes, this, this was pleasant. Joanna: It was, wasn't it? Chandler Bing: The food there was, was great. Joanna: Wasn't it? Chandler Bing: So take care. Joanna: You too. Chandler Bing: Well, this was great. I'll give you a call. We should do it again sometime. Joanna: Great! I'm looking forward to it. Rachel, any messages? Rachel Green: Sophie's desk. Rachel Green: Chandler!! Are you gonna call her! Chandler Bing: Noo! Rachel Green: Chandler!! Chandler Bing: Look, I'm sorry. Okay? I'm weak, and pathetic, and sorry. Rachel Green: Okay, you are going to tell her and you're going to tell her now. Chandler Bing: Ahhhh-I'm not going to call you. Joanna: What? Chandler Bing: I'm sorry. I'm-I'm-I'm sorry that I said I was going to when I'm not. Look, this has nothing to do with you, y'know? And this isn't Rachel's fault. It's me. I have serious, serious problems when it comes to women. I have issues with commitment, intimacy, mascara goop. And I'm really sorry, it's just that this is not, this isn't going to work out. Joanna: Well, this isn't how I was hoping how this would end, but I guess I have to appreciate your honesty. Chandler Bing: Yeah, o-okay. Joanna: So... Chandler Bing: Well this is great! I'll give you a call! We should do it again sometime! Joey Tribbiani: Well, so anyway Beth, what I'm saying is I should've considered your feelings before I went home with you that night. I've ah, I've recently learned what's it like to be on your side of it, and I'm sorry. So, do you think you can forgive me? Great. Thanks. Okay, bye. Hello, Jennifer? Oh hi, Mrs. Loreo, is Jennifer there? Oh, she's not home huh? Well ah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.
Rachel Green: So who's idea was it to put everybody in the diner on skates? Monica Geller: Oh, some idiot customer put a suggestion in the suggestion box. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, they took my idea! Monica Geller: That was you?! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Okay, here you go. Gunther: Rachel, I made you a cocoa. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, are you guys okay? Gunther: Are you all right? Joey Tribbiani: Oh my. Chandler Bing: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Y'know with that goatee you kinda look like Satan. Chandler Bing: Oh, so that's why the priest threw holy water on me. Okay, listen, you have to cheer up! Okay? You should come out with Ross and me, I mean anything is better than sitting around here crying all day about Kate. Joey Tribbiani: Hey I was crying because, because nobody believed Quincy's theory. Okay? Ross Geller: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey. Ross Geller: I'm gonna be on TV!! Chandler Bing: No way! Ross Geller: Yeah! They're putting together this panel to talk about these fossils they just found in Peru and The Discovery Channel's gonna film it! Chandler Bing: Oh my God! Who's gonna watch that?! Ross Geller: Thanks. You ready to go? Chandler Bing: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Saw a girl with that vest. Chandler Bing: Thanks. Anchorwoman: While most of us think of chocolate bunnies and baskets as traditional Easter gifts. Some people insist on giving live chicks as presents. Unfortunately, the sad fact remains that most of these little guys won't live to see the fourth of July. Because of as a result of improper care, they will be dead. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, hi. You guys got any of those baby chicks? 'Cause I was watching this ah, commercial on TV and man, those guys are cute! Peter Becker: Hi! Monica Geller: Hi! Hey, Pete you're back! Hey, check this out. Peter Becker: Wow! Skates! Monica Geller: Wow! You're a lot sturdier that Chandler. He crumpled like a piece of paper. So how was you're trip? Peter Becker: Well... Monica Geller: Oh, what'd ya bring me?! Awww, hotel toiletries from Japan. Oh, these are gonna go in my permanent collection. You want some coffee? Peter Becker: Yeah, sure, that'd be great. Monica Geller: Regular or decaf? Peter Becker: Ah, which ever is closest. Monica Geller: Okay. Peter Becker: So ask me what I did today. Monica Geller: So what did you do today Pete? Peter Becker: I bought a restaurant and I would like you to be the head chef. Monica Geller: What?! Oh. Monica Geller: Can you believe he just offered me a restaurant? Rachel Green: What a jerk! You want me to kick his ass? Monica Geller: I mean this has been like my dream since I got my first Easy Bake Oven and opened Easy Monica's Bakery. I mean I would kill for this job. I mean I can totally do this job, and God knows I paid my dues. But Pete's just doing this because he has a crush on me. Rachel Green: And you're still not attracted to him at all? Monica Geller: Hmm, no. I mean how can I accept a restaurant from him? I-I-I-I can't. I couldn't even accept a necklace from Stu Vincent in the seventh grade. Rachel Green: Yeah, but Mon that's totally different. He was you're health teacher. Monica Geller: Oh, please. Monica Geller: What? Honey. Rachel Green: Oh, I am, my side still hurts from when you crashed into me yesterday. Monica Geller: Oh God, I'm so sorry. Rachel Green: I know. Rachel Green: Ow!! Monica Geller: Oh God! Ross Geller: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Rachel Green: Got a job on a river boat? Ross Geller: Y'know what I didn't wear this suit for a year because you hated it. Well, guess what? You're not my girlfriend anymore so... Rachel Green: Oh I see, so this suit is making a point. Ross Geller: Right. Rachel Green: Now that you're on you're own, you're free to look as stupid as you like. Ross Geller: You like it right? Monica Geller: Oh absolutely. I like it even more on you than I did on Colonel Sanders. Ross! Ross! I'm kidding! Rachel Green: Yeah, come here! Monica Geller: What-what was it you were gonna tell us? Rachel Green: Yeah. Oh! Was how you invented the cotton gin?! Ross Geller: Okay, good bye! Chandler Bing: So um, after you put the suggestion in the box, how long did it take for the roller skating thing to happen. Phoebe Buffay: Umm, oh, about three months. Chandler Bing: Okay, so I guess that's about ah, two weeks before the topless thing kicks in. Joey Tribbiani: Hey!! Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: I got you something! Open it! Open it! Chandler Bing: Okay. It's a chicken. Joey Tribbiani: It's cute, huh? Phoebe Buffay: Whoa-whoa-whoa, you guys, do you know anything about chicks? Chandler Bing: Fowl? No. Women? Nooo. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, well they are a huge responsibility, especially at this age. They require constant care. They-they need just the right food, and lot's and lot's of love. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, well no problem there. Chandler Bing: Easy Lenny. Peter Becker: So? I mean have you thought about it? Monica Geller: Okay. Here's the thing. Peter Becker: Oh no, not the thing. I hate the thing. What's the thing? Monica Geller: I can't do it. I'm sorry, I wish I could, but umm, see you have these feelings for me... Peter Becker: Wait, wait, wait, wait, that's-that's what you're worried about? If that's the problem, we've got no problem. Monica Geller: Huh? Peter Becker: No! Look, I was gonna tell you this over dinner, but I met somebody else. On my trip. Monica Geller: Oh? Peter Becker: Her name's Ann, she's a journalist. Ahh, we met on the plane. She asked me if she could finish off my peanuts, I thought she said something else, we had a big laugh. Yeah, I just, I mean I got, I got tired of waiting. Monica Geller: Oh, that's great! I mean I'm-I'm sorry, but I'm so happy for you. And now I can work for you! Peter Becker: I guess you can. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Oh, this is incredible! Ohh! All right, y'know what? I'm just gonna roll right into that office and-and quit! Peter Becker: All right. Monica Geller: Okay. Can you give me a little push? Peter Becker: Yeah, sure. Good luck! Monica Geller: I'm quitting!! Woo-hoo! I'm okay!! I'm all right!! Phoebe Buffay: Wow! That's exciting, you went to Japan, made up a woman. Peter Becker: What? Phoebe Buffay: I'm just saying, this woman, I mean she's fictitious. No? Peter Becker: Why would you say that? Phoebe Buffay: 'Cause you're still into Monica. So you told her there was somebody else so she would agree to work with you, so 'cause you figure oh if you spent a lot of time together, maybe something might happen, and... Peter Becker: You're good. You're good! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, no, I'm fairly intuitive and psychic. It's a substantial gift. Peter Becker: Listen, can you promise me that you won't tell her though? Phoebe Buffay: Absolutely, oh I promise. Tell her what? Peter Becker: Thanks a lot. Phoebe Buffay: No I'm serious. I mean I'm intuitive, but my memory sucks. Chandler Bing: Okay, but this is the last time. With a chick-chick here, and a chick-chick there. Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick-chickeeeen. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Chandler Bing: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: How's she doing? Chandler Bing: She? Joey Tribbiani: Well yeah, don't-don't you think it's a she? Chandler Bing: I don't know. I can't tell, what ever it was went back in too quickly. Joey Tribbiani: Well, anyway, I got to go change, I'm ah, meeting some of the cast for drinks. Chandler Bing: Excuse me? Joey Tribbiani: What? Chandler Bing: I stayed home from work today while you were at rehearsal so somebody could be here with our chick! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Who was up from 2 o'clock this morning until 5 o'clock this morning trying to get her back to sleep? Chandler Bing: You don't think I get up when you get up? Joey Tribbiani: Ohhh, here it comes. Chandler Bing: Yes, here it comes! I'm stuck here all day, and then you come in and spend two seconds with us and then expect to go off gallivanting with your friends? Well I don't think so mister! Joey Tribbiani: Hey!! I need to relax! Okay? I was working all day! Chandler Bing: And you don't think taking care of our chick is work? Joey Tribbiani: That's not what I said. Okay, I just meant... Chandler Bing: I know what you meant!! You notice that ever since we got this chick, we've been fighting a lot more than we used too? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know, maybe we weren't ready to have a chick. Chandler Bing: I'll take her back tomorrow. Joey Tribbiani: Do you think we'll get our three bucks back? Ross Geller: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Ross Geller: Ohhh, hey! All right, listen, I-I have that TV thing in like two hours, and I need your help, okay? What do you think? This blue suit, or this brown one? Joey Tribbiani: Well, the brown one brings out your eyes, but your butt looks great in the blue one. Ross Geller: Really? Rachel Green: Oww! Ross Geller: Wow! That aspirin dance really works! Rachel Green: Oww! Ross Geller: Oh my God, is that still... Rachel Green: I'm fine, I'm fine. Ross Geller: No you're not. Rachel Green: Yes I am! Ross Geller: Rach! Rachel Green: Look, I'm fine. Watch. Look at that. Whoa-whoa! Ross Geller: Okay, okay. Look, you have got to go to a doctor! Okay? Rachel Green: No. I have got to get ready and go to a dinner at my bosses house. It's a very big deal, there's a lot of people there I have to meet. Ross Geller: And I'm sure you're gonna make a big impression. Hi! I'm Rachel Green. It's nice to meet you. Come on, you probably have a broken rib! Rachel Green: Well, I will go to the hospital tomorrow, it'll still be broken then. Ross Geller: Rach... Rachel Green: But y'know, I could use a hand getting ready. Ross Geller: Rachel... Rachel Green: Look, either help me or go. Ross Geller: Fine. I'll go. Rachel Green: Okay, but before you go, could you help me first? Ross Geller: Sure. I'll help you. Chandler Bing: Oh, good! Good! Do you guys know how to get a chick out of a VCR?! Rachel Green: Y'know what? I cannot do this with my left hand! Would you please, help me with this too? Ross Geller: Ohh. Rachel Green: Okay. Let's use this brush. Ross Geller: Okay. This stuff? Rachel Green: Yeah. Ross Geller: All right. Rachel Green: Careful. Light. Okay, do you know how, just sweep it across the lid. Okay? Just sweep it. Ross Geller: Oke-dokey. Rachel Green: Oh-ho! Ross Geller: Sorry. Rachel Green: Hey! That's just poking me in the eye! Ross Geller: Sorry, I'm sorry. Close, close, close... Rachel Green: Okay, just sweep it. Ross Geller: I'm sweeping... Rachel Green: Right. Ross Geller: Sweep, sweep... Rachel Green: Okay, now make it even, 'cause we don't... Ross Geller: What? What? Rachel Green: We don't want it-it to be too much, we want it to be subtle. Ross Geller: No. No, y'know you don't, you don't wear enough of this. What? Rachel Green: Since when, since when do you think I don't wear enough of this? Ross Geller: Well I, close your eyes, I just think you're gonna like this a little better, 'cause, close-close... Rachel Green: Blow it. Ross Geller: Sorry. 'Cause umm, I think this will make you a little more sophisticated. Rachel Green: Sophisticated like a hooker? Monica Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey, guess what I'm doing tonight. Phoebe Buffay: What? Monica Geller: I'm checking out the restaurant with Pete. Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, Monica, I am so excited for you. Monica Geller: I know. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, I have to tell you something. Monica Geller: What? Phoebe Buffay: But I can't tell you. Monica Geller: Okay, but wouldn't it be easier if you had to tell me something that you could tell me. Phoebe Buffay: Well, sure in a perfect world. But, no, I promised I wouldn't tell, and I swore to like all my gods. Monica Geller: Okay. Does it have to do with Ross and Rachel? Phoebe Buffay: No. Monica Geller: Does it have to do with Joey? Phoebe Buffay: No. Monica Geller: Does it have to do with-with Chandler and that sock that he keeps by his bed? Phoebe Buffay: No, but let's come back to that later! Ross Geller: There you go! Good enough for your party, huh? Rachel Green: Sure. Ross Geller: Yep? Rachel Green: Sure, I'll just sit next to the trans-sexual from purchasing. Ross Geller: Okay, come on! All right, I gotta go! So good luck at the party. Okay? Rachel Green: Oh wait, Ross, would you just stay and help me get dressed? Ross Geller: Sure, okay. Rachel Green: Okay. Okay, great! Umm, okay, just turn around. Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: I don't want you to see me naked! Ross Geller: Rachel, I've seen you naked a million times. I ate hot fudge off you naked. Remember, I-I sucked that mini-marshmallow out of your belly button? Rachel Green: Yeah, but that was different. Y'know? I mean, we were, we were going out then, now I think it's weird. Ross Geller: Rach, y'know I can see you naked any time I want. Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: All I have to do is close my eyes. See? Woo-hoo!! Rachel Green: Ross! Stop that! Ross Geller: Ah, I'm sorry. Rachel Green: Come on! I don't want you thinking of me like that any more! Ross Geller: Ahh, sorry, nothing you can do about it. It's one of my ah, rights as the ex-boyfriend. Oop, oh yeah! Rachel Green: Stop it! Cut it out! Cut it out! Ross Geller: Okay, okay, I'm sorry, it will never happen... Uh-oh! Wait a minute! Wait-wait, now there are a hundred of you and I'm the king. Rachel Green: Rosss... Ross Geller: Come on, would you grow up? It's no big deal. Rachel Green: All right. Fine. Ross Geller: Yowzah!!! Rachel Green: O-kay!! See what you did, I'm gonna be doing it by myself now. Okay? Ross Geller: Aww, come on. Rachel Green: That's it. Ow!!! Ross Geller: Oh my God! Rachel Green: Oh-ow! Ross Geller: All right. Rachel Green: Ow! Ross Geller: Look... Rachel Green: Ow! Ross Geller: Okay. Rachel Green: Ow! Ross Geller: Rach? Rachel Green: Ow! Ow! Ross Geller: Easy. Easy. You have to go to the hospital. Okay? Rachel Green: Okay, I do. Ross Geller: Okay. Rachel Green: I really do. Ross Geller: Okay, I'm gonna get your coat and then I'll-I'll put you in a cab. Rachel Green: Okay. Oh wait, wait-wait, you're not gonna come with me? Ross Geller: Of course I am. I just have to make a call. Rachel Green: Okay. Ross Geller: Okay? Rachel Green: Thank you. Oww!!!! God! Ross Geller: What?! I wh-, what's wrong? Rachel Green: I'm sorry, I just can't go to the hospital lookin' like this. Monica Geller: Does it involve travel? Phoebe Buffay: Noo! Monica Geller: Does it involve clogs? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, wait, wait. Clogs, or claws? Monica Geller: Clogs. Phoebe Buffay: No. Monica Geller: Claws?! Phoebe Buffay: No. Monica Geller: Okay, so it doesn't involve Ross or Rachel or Chandler or Joey. But, what about Pete? Phoebe Buffay: No! Monica Geller: What is it?! What about Pete? Phoebe Buffay: I don't know! Monica Geller: Okay, I feel like I'm talking to Lassie. All right, Phoebe would you just tell me! Phoebe Buffay: I can't!! Monica Geller: Okay, I gotta go. Phoebe Buffay: I, but you're so close! No! Monica Geller: Okay, does it involve something to do with Pete's computer company? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, just go. You're never gonna get it! Chandler Bing: I know. See, yes. That's Yasmine Bleeth, she's a completely different kind of chick. I love you both. But in very different ways. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Ohhh. Ahh! What are you doing?! I thought you were gonna take her back to the store today. Chandler Bing: I did! But the store wouldn't take her back! So then I took her to the shelter, and you know what I found out? Chandler Bing: If they can't find a home for her, they kill her! And I'm not gonna let that happen to little Yasmine! Joey Tribbiani: Okay, good, good, good, 'cause, good, 'cause I was kinda having second thoughts too. Chandler Bing: Okay. And it's not just chicks y'know? It's all kinds of other animals! Joey Tribbiani: That's horrible! Well, you did the right thing man. Chandler Bing: Thanks, I'm glad you see it that way. Chandler Bing: Ohhh-hoo, funny story! Monica Geller: I don't believe this! Wow, look at this refrigerator! It's gigantic! I mean I could live in this thing! I'd be cold, but I'm always cold. Oh my God, look at these spider burners! I love spider burners. Peter Becker: So you like it? Monica Geller: Oh, it is sooo perfect. Thank you so much. Peter Becker: Oh, you're welcome. Monica Geller: Did you just smell my hair? Peter Becker: Nooo. Uh-huh, no way. What? No. Monica Geller: Oh God. Peter Becker: What? Monica Geller: You still have feelings for me don't you? Peter Becker: Now, nooo! I'm just excited about the restaurant, that's all. Monica Geller: Pete. Peter Becker: Okay, I love you. Is that so bad? Monica Geller: No, it's not bad. It's not bad at all. It's-it's really nice. Peter Becker: Look, the only who stands to get hurt is me. And I'm okay with that. Monica Geller: You may be okay about getting hurt, but I am not okay with being the one who hurts you. That's why I can't take this job. Peter Becker: What? Monica Geller: And well, we probably shouldn't see each other anymore. I'm sorry. Peter Becker: Okay, yeah. I mean... If that's, if that's really what you want, okay. Monica Geller: Okay, bye. Peter Becker: I'm sorry things didn't work out... Monica Geller: All right shut up for a second and let me just see something. Oh, wow! Rachel Green: Okay, you'd tell me the truth. Right? Ross Geller: Rach, you can't look fat in an x-ray. Rachel Green: Okay. Chandler Bing: Okay! Now you stay out here, and you think about what you did!! Ross Geller: That's a duck. Chandler Bing: That's a bad duck!!! How'd the thing go tonight, Ross? Ross Geller: Oh, it was, nah, well... Rachel Green: What thing? What thing? Ross Geller: Nothing, ah there was this thing at the museum. Come on. Easy. Chandler Bing: Okay, now when you come back I hope you remember that, that chick is not a toy! Rachel Green: What thing? What is this thing? Ross Geller: I was kinda, supposed to be on TV tonight for The Discovery Channel. Rachel Green: Oh my God! Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: Ross, why didn't you tell me that? Ross Geller: Eh, 'cause I knew that if I told you, you'd make me go, and I knew you needed someone to be with you tonight. Come on. Come on. Rachel Green: I cannot believe you. Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: That is the sweetest thing, I just... Ross Geller: You should get some sleep. Rachel Green: Okay. Ross Geller: So, I'll umm... Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sorry I spoiled you're evening. Ross Geller: No, that's, no, as long as you're okay. So I'll ah, I'll see you tomorrow. Rachel Green: Um-hmm, yeah. Rachel Green: See ya. Chandler Bing: What did you do? Joey Tribbiani: What 'cha doing? Chandler Bing: Having a swim. Joey Tribbiani: What about the chick? Chandler Bing: Chicks don't swim. Joey Tribbiani: Are you sure? Chandler Bing: I don't know. Should we try it? Joey Tribbiani: Sure. Chandler Bing: See, I told you they don't swim. Joey Tribbiani: Wait. Give him a minute. Chandler Bing: Noo! Oh, it's okay, it's okay, baby, baby, baby.
Rachel Green: Oh, Phoebe, are you still on hold? I was supposed to call my Dad back like two hours ago. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah, he clipped on, he said call him as soon as you get a chance, he's at Flimby's. Rachel Green: What's Flimby's? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah, that's the word I use when I can't remember the real thing. Rachel Green: Okay. Hang up! That's it! Come on! Phoebe Buffay: No! Rachel, that's what they want me to do. My warranty expires tomorrow, if I don't get through, they're not gonna fix my crappy, broken phone for free! We cannot let them win! It's us versus them! Chandler Bing: Ye-e-es!! Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Everyone: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Uh, listen I gotta double check for tickets tonight. Who-who got what? Monica Geller: I need two. I'm bringing Pete. My boyfriend. I have a boyfriend now! Joey Tribbiani: Two it is. Ross, how about you? Ross Geller: Uh, yeah, I ah, I also need two. Monica Geller: Really? Who's number two? Chandler Bing: Who's number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play. Ross Geller: Uh, no, it's-it's just this person. Phoebe Buffay: Like a date type person? Ross Geller: Yeah, kinda. It's this woman from work. I hope that won't be too weird. Will it, Rach? Rachel Green: No. No, not at all, not at all. I actually was gonna bring someone myself, so... Joey Tribbiani: But you said one. Rachel Green: I meant, me plus one! Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Did ah, you guys mean you plus one? Ross Geller: All right, I'll see you tonight. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Rachel Green: Okay, bye-bye! Chandler Bing: Bye! Monica Geller: Bye-bye! Rachel Green: Okay, I need a date! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey, you guys are finally gonna get to meet Kate! Everyone: Oh! Joey Tribbiani: And I ah, borrowed some of your cologne. I hope she likes it. Monica Geller: Joey, what are you doing?! It's never gonna happen, she's seeing somebody. Chandler Bing: Yeah, and I don't have any cologne. Joey Tribbiani: The green bottle next to the shaving cream. Chandler Bing: Oh! Worm medicine for the duck. Monica Geller: Here you go. You can wear this. Phoebe Buffay: Thanks! Monica Geller: Uh-huh. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Ooh, I'm setting the phone down. But I'm still here! Just don't go anywhere I'm still here. Don't-don't switch or anything, 'cause I'm, I'm right here. Just one sec. One sec! One second!! Wait! One second! Just... Monica Geller: Phoebe? Phoebe Buffay: What?! Monica, I'm scared!! Monica Geller: All right. Honey, that's-that's a sleeve. Okay? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Monica Geller: And! We also have speaker phone. Hold Voice: Please, stay on the line. Your call is important to us. Monica Geller: Okay, wait, you gotta hang up 'cause we're gonna be late. Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you're the next caller. Phoebe Buffay: Yes!! Yes!! I'm the next caller! You were gonna have me hang up. Chandler Bing: Hey! Can you take a duck and a chick to the theatre? Monica Geller: Of course not. Phoebe Buffay: No. Chandler Bing: Okay. I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else. Ross Geller: Hey, hey Rach! Rachel Green: Oh, hi! Ross Geller: Hi! Rachel Green: How are you? Ross Geller: Good. Rachel Green: Hey. Ross Geller: So it's looks like we're the first ones here. Rachel Green: Yeah, looks that way. First ones here! Wooo!! Ross Geller: Yay!! Rachel Green: Oh! Tommy, this is Ross. Ross, Tommy. Tommy: Hey. Ross Geller: Hey. Oh, I'm sorry, this is Cailin. Ross Geller: And! Break!! Rachel Green: Okay, uhh, I think I'm going to run to the ladies room. Tommy: Okay. Cailin: I'll join you. Tommy: I'll get our seats. Ross Geller: Okay. So uh, well, this-this is uh, this is awkward. Tommy: Yeah? Ross Geller: Well y'know 'cause Rachel and I used to go out. Tommy: Oh, I didn't, I didn't know that. Ross Geller: Oh! Well then this is awkward. So what do you uh... Tommy: I think we're here. Ross Geller: Oh! Yeah. Tommy: Yeah. Ross Geller: Okay. Uh, huh. Excuse me, I'm sorry, I-I think you may be in our seats. Man: Umm, no, I don't think so. Tommy: Can-can we take a look at your ticket? Man: Sure. Ross Geller: Yep! Yeah, see this says D-13, and uh... Man: Oh, well I thought that ah... Tommy: Oh, you thought, huh? Yeah, well that didn't really work out too well for you did it you idiot!! What are you?! A moron!! Huh?! It says D-13! Okay?! Look you're surrounded by even numbers!! Did that give you some clue?! Man: Uh, the usher told us to come... Tommy: Oh! Oh! The usher must be right! What, with all that training they go through! Get out!! Here! Hey man, you want the aisle? Ross Geller: No, I'm good. Chandler Bing: There he is! Monica Geller: There's our star! Joey Tribbiani: So, so, what'd ya think? Chandler Bing: Almost as good as that play with the two naked girls on the see-saw. Joey Tribbiani: I-I wasn't in that. Chandler Bing: I know. Joey Tribbiani: Oh-oh, hey-hey, Kate! Listen I want you to meet everybody. Everybody, this is Kate. Monica Geller: Hi! The Director: Excuse me. Excuse me. Sweetheart! Come! Chandler Bing: So that's the girl you like. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Ross Geller: I'm telling you, this guy Rachel is with is crazy! Okay? He viscously screamed at total strangers! I think he's baaad news! Chandler Bing: Wait a minute, wait a minute, you don't like the guy Rachel's dating? Well, that's odd. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey, Lauren. Uh, you guys this is, this is Kate's understudy, Lauren. Rachel Green: Oh, hi! Lauren: Hey. Rachel Green: Hey. Gosh, you look soo familiar. Lauren: Oh, yeah! I-I ran into you in the hallway in your building. It was right after I slept with Joey. He dumped me the next day. Cailin: So. How'd you guys meet? Peter Becker: Well ah, the short version is, I ah pursued her for a couple of months, then I gave her a check for 20,000 dollars, and she was mine. Monica Geller: Yeah, and in the long version, I dump him for telling people the short version. Estelle Leonard: Joey, sweetheart, you were fabulous! Joey Tribbiani: Hey you guys, this is my agent, Estelle. Estelle Leonard: How do you do. Ooh, you two girls were outstanding! Did they have representation? Joey Tribbiani: No, they-they weren't in the play. Rachel Green: We're not actors. Estelle Leonard: Ooh, what a shame! Because with her face and her chest I could really put something together. Chandler Bing: Could I borrow it? Cailin: Hi! Remember me? Ross Geller: Hi! Yeah! Tommy's in line for the bathroom and someone just cut in front of him, I think he's gonna snap. Cailin: Ross, I'm gonna go. Ross Geller: Go? Why? Cailin: I don't know. Could be because I don't feel like standing around all night waiting for some guy who may or may not scream. Ross Geller: But-but Cailin, he definitely will scream. Cailin: Good bye Ross. Ross Geller: Uh, oh-ho bye. The Director: Here we go people! Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah-la-la-la... Ah-ha! Joey Tribianni, gives an uneven performance, but Mr. Tribianni is not the worst thing in this production. Joey Tribbiani: Yes!!! Ha-ha-ha! The Director: Kate Miller's awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant is... Thank you, boys and girls, you've ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces with my Mother's crab cakes! Excuse me!! Joey Tribbiani: Anyone mind if I save this? Monica Geller: Hey! Rachel Green: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, is the play over? Monica Geller: Yeah. Where were you? Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you're the next caller. Monica Geller: You were the next caller five hours ago. You must be going crazy. Phoebe Buffay: Nah. I kept myself busy. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay, yeah. I put your stuff in her room, and her stuff in your room. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Are you okay? Kate Miller: Fabulous. Joey Tribbiani: Listen, drama critics they're nothing but, but people who couldn't make it as actors. You know what you should do? Kate Miller: Become a drama critic! The Director: I am hurt! A plague on both your houses! Kate Miller: By the way, he dumped me tonight after he read my review. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, classy. Kate Miller: Yep! I sure know how to pick 'em, huh? Y'know I gave up a part on a soap for this! Joey Tribbiani: Wow! Yeah I ah, I gave up a job too. Kate Miller: Really. What? Joey Tribbiani: Uh, de-clawing cats. Hey, tell ya what. Let me walk you home. We'll stop by every news stand and burn every copy of their Times and the Post. Kate Miller: Why the Post? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you didn't see the Post? Kate Miller: No. You? Joey Tribbiani: No. Why? Kate Miller: So you really think those newspapers are just jealous of me? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, absolutely! You're talented and you're good looking. Kate Miller: Oh, you're sweet and cute. Joey Tribbiani: I know! That's why they trashed me! Joey Tribbiani: Whoa. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kate Miller: What? Joey Tribbiani: I, I don't get you. I mean first, you hate me. Then you sleep with me. Then you want nothing to do with me, now you want me again. Kate Miller: What? So you never went out with an actress before? Joey Tribbiani: Kate, do you even like me? Kate Miller: Of course I do. Joey Tribbiani: Well so, how come you blew me off? Y'know? How come you were with him? Kate Miller: I don't know! I just, just do this! I-I always have to pick the like the smartest guy, or-or the most talented guy... Why can't I just pick someone like you? Joey Tribbiani: Thanks. Kate Miller: You know what I mean. I mean like the sweetest guy. Joey, you're just so, you're so, so... Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Okay, okay, hey. There we go, let's get your feet up there. Good night, Kate. Sweet dreams. I'm gonna put this can right here in case you have to hurl. Hold Voice: Please stay on the line. You're call is very important to us. Monica Geller: Pheebs, you've been up for 24 hours! Go to sleep, honey. Th-this isn't healthy. Phoebe Buffay: No, no, I'm fine, and y'know why? 'Cause of all the riboflavin. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Didn't you have that outfit on last night? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! I stayed at Kate's, but ah, nothing happened. Hey, Pheebs, where were ya? Phoebe Buffay: I'm so, so, so sorry, Joey. I definitely am gonna see you're play. I swear you're play is very important to us, thank you for your patience. You're play is the next play is the next play I'm gonna see. Monica Geller: Anyway, how did it go with Kate? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, it was great! Yeah, I-I walked her home, and it was amazing how much we connected, y'know? Then ah, then she passed out, but then she woke up. Yeah? And we stayed up all night talking, and now we're like totally crazy about each other! Monica Geller: Joey, you had the night! Joey Tribbiani: What? Monica Geller: When two people finally realise their feelings for each other, and-and they talk for hours, and they-they learn all about the other person! Joey Tribbiani: You-you think? Monica Geller: Did you like learn about her family? Joey Tribbiani: Two brothers, one died! Monica Geller: Yes!! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah?! Monica Geller: Oh! Gunther: This is from the woman at the bar. Chandler Bing: Oh-ho-ho-ho. Gunther: Sorry. She thought you were somebody else. Rachel Green: What time is it? Monica Geller: One. Ross Geller: One. Chandler Bing: 7:15. Watch doesn't work. Rachel Green: Tommy's supposed to be here soon, we're going to lunch. Ross Geller: Look. Look, I wasn't going to say anything to you, but... All right, I don't think you should be seeing Tommy anymore. Rachel Green: You don't?! Ross Geller: No! The guy is mean. I mean really mean. I think you should stay away from him. Rachel Green: Umm, or, maybe, I should stay away from all men. Ross Geller: No, it's not just 'cause I'm jealous. I mean I'm not, I'm not, I'm not jealous, okay? It's... Look, the guy, he screamed, he actually screamed at this couple sitting in our seats. Chandler Bing: Yeah, and at the end of the play, he, he got up y'know, and he just started like, banging his hands together! Ross Geller: Okay, fine, fine. You don't want to believe me? No, that's fine. Monica Geller: We're kidding! Chandler Bing: Ross, don't. Ross! Ross Geller: You don't want to believe me, I'm Mr. Funny to you. Mr. Funny... Tommy: Whoa!! Ross Geller: Whoa, sorry Tommy. Tommy: What's in the cup, Ross? Ross Geller: Umm... Tommy: What is in the cup?! Ross Geller: Okay, it's coffee. Tommy: Ice coffee? Tell me it's ice coffee! Ross Geller: It's-it's hot... Tommy: Hot coffee!!! You idiot!! You were gonna spill hot coffee all over me, huh?!! What are you just some big, dumb, stupid, doofy idiot, with a doofy idiot hairdo, huh?! Huh?! Rachel Green: What's your favourite thing about summertime? Monica Geller: Umm, going to the beach. When it stays light real late. Rachel Green: Yeah... Tommy: Hey! Rachel Green: Tommyyyy! Say, what's your favourite thing about summer? Tommy: Ooh, I don't know. Probably the smell of freshly cut grass. Chandler Bing: Ohh, that's a good one. Joey Tribbiani: Sorry! Sorry, I'm late; sorry, I'm late! My duck and my chick and a fight, it-it was ugly. Stage Manager: Look, we held the curtain for you buddy. Come on, let's go! Let's go! Lauren: Vic! Where have you been, baby?! Joey Tribbiani: Where's Kate? Lauren: She got a job in L.A. Joey Tribbiani: What?! Lauren: I've been waiting up all night for ya. Where have you been? Where have you been? Vic?! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, ahh, go to the window. I'm wanna run down to the truck and show you something. Lauren: What do you got down there, Vic? What do you got under that tarp? Joey Tribbiani: When is she leaving? Lauren: Tonight. What are you doing? Joey Tribbiani: I'm coming up! Tommy: Hey, mind if I use the phone? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I... Chandler Bing: Why don't you use ours across the hall, 'cause she...has...problems. Ross Geller: Oh-ho, whoa! Sorry, Tommy. I almost spilled this hot coffee on you. Tommy: Yeah, but you didn't. Ross Geller: No, but it's-it's-it's hot! Rachel Green: Ross, would you just stop it! It's getting really old. Ross Geller: I can't believe no one believes me! Phoebe Buffay: I do, I believe you. Ross Geller: You do Pheebs? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. But I also believed her when she said I was next. Tommy: Ooh, hey! Hey, there little fella. Mr. Fuzzy-Man, how are you doing? Aww. Eww! Oh! Eww! Gross! Idiot!! Stupid little, fuzzy, yellow creature!! Oh look at me, I'm so cute, I'm a little chick who's disgusting! God, you're so stupid, how are you not yet extinct!! Quack-quack, quack-quack!! What are you quacking about?! Dumb Donald Doo-Doo!! Chandler Bing: Step away from the duck. Tommy: Ooh, sorry little Mr. Chic-A-Dee, sorry you went doody in my hand! Well, I guess we're not going out anymore. Whaa!!! Kate Miller: Joey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Kate Miller: I'm soo glad I caught you, I couldn't find you before. Joey Tribbiani: Wh-wh-what's going on? Wh-what's this about L.A.? Kate Miller: They still want me for General Hospital. Joey Tribbiani: But, but wh-what about us? Kate Miller: Last night was wonderful. But I-I can't stay here just for you. Joey Tribbiani: Well, so, stay for the museums! Kate Miller: I'm sorry. Stage Manager: Joey, onstage! Joey Tribbiani: Well can you at least stay to the end of the play? I mean, I'll go to the airport with ya, I-I wanna say good bye. Lauren: Where are you Vic? Kate Miller: Flight's in an hour. I-I gotta go. Lauren: Vic! Vic! Vic!!! Joey Tribbiani: In a minute!! Lauren: So this is it? Victor? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I guess it is. Listen, I ah, I gotta say good bye, and-and I gotta say it quick 'cause this is killing me. One thing you gotta know, is that I will never forget you. But, you've got things you have to do now, and so do I. And so... I'm gonna get on this spaceship, and I'm gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you'll be long gone. But I won't have aged at all. So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne, baby, I'm gonna want to meet her. Lauren: So long, Vic! Monica Geller: Phoebe, it's been two days. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I know. Oh, good thing it's one of those 801 numbers. Right? Ross Geller: Phoebe, 800 is toll free, 801 is-is Utah. Phoebe Buffay: No, no, no, oh no-no-no, it's has to be 800. 'Cause all those big companies have 800 numbers, every one. Yeah, every big Utah-based company has one. Rachel Green: Phoe-be!! Phoebe Buffay: Sorry, I'm so sorry, I will pay you back. Chandler Bing: And yet, she's still not hanging up the phone. Everyone: Hang it up! Hang up the phone!! Phoebe Buffay: Fine! Fine! Oh-oh! Monica Geller: What? Phoebe Buffay: Well, I think I broke it. But that's all right, here's the number you can call. Monica Geller: Oh.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, wouldn't be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck. Chandler Bing: Or... Dick. Ross Geller: Hey. Ross Geller: Listen, I-I need a favor. Umm, I was in the shower, and as I was cleansing myself, I ah, I-I, well I felt something. Chandler Bing: Was it like a sneeze only better? Ross Geller: No, no, I mean, I mean a thing on my body. Joey Tribbiani: What was it? Ross Geller: Well, I don't know, it's-it's kinda in a place that's not... It's not visually accessible to me, and I was hoping maybe you guys could-could help me out. Chandler Bing: No!! Ross Geller: Come on you guys, it's no big deal! Chandler Bing: Whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! Huh. Ross Geller: Well what is it? Is it a mole? Joey Tribbiani: No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole. Ross Geller: Well, eww. What? Is it a pimple? Chandler Bing: No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don't you just go see a... Rachel Green: Hey guys! What's... Chandler Bing: Okay, well, it's definite, two more weeks of winter. Ross Geller: Ahhh. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, right. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, and then this is the coffee house. This is where I play my music. Vince: Good deal. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, and these are my friends. People. This is Vince, Vince the people. Rachel Green: Hi! Chandler Bing: Hey! Vince: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Vince is a fireman. Rachel Green: Wow! Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building before? Vince: 98 hot saves, highest in the force. Chandler Bing: Well, y'know if Joey and I played with matches we could get you up to an even hundred. Vince: Fire safety is not a joke, son. Chandler Bing: You're right, I know. Vince: Look, I gotta go. I'm on call tonight. See you Saturday. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Rachel Green: Wow, he's cute, Pheebs! But I thought you just started dating that Kindergarten teacher. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, Jason? Yeah, uh-huh, we're seeing each other tonight. Rachel Green: What-Pheebs?! Two dates in one day? That's so unlike you. Phoebe Buffay: I know, I know! I'm like playing the field. Y'know? Like, juggling two guys, I'm sowing my wild oats. Y'know? Y'know, this kind've like y'know oat-sowin', field-playin' juggler. Joey Tribbiani: So Pheebs, do they know about each other? Phoebe Buffay: Does a dog's lips move when he reads? Okay, no they don't. Ross Geller: Hey guys! Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Rachel Green: Hi! Joey Tribbiani: Well?! Chandler Bing: Okay, how'd it go at the doctor's? Ross Geller: Well, he said there's definitely nothing to worry about, it's totally benign. Joey Tribbiani: Well what is it?! Ross Geller: He couldn't even tell me! He said it was just some sort of skin... abnormality. And the worst thing is he-he-he said, he said, without being able to identify it, he was reluctant to remove it. Chandler Bing: Y'know what? You should go to my guy, because when I went in there with my third nipple. He just lopped it right off. Y'know? So I guess I'm lucky. I mean not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples. Ross Geller: At least they knew what yours was. Y'know, yours had a name. Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Maybe they'll name yours after you! Y'know, they'll call it, The Ross. And then people would be like, "Awww, he's got a Ross." Ross Geller: Yeah, that'd be cool! Monica Geller: Pete's breaking up with me. Everyone: What?! Monica Geller: I just checked my messages, and he said that when he gets back from Atlanta, we need to talk. Rachel Green: And? Monica Geller: Well that's it. People never say `We need to talk' unless it's something bad. Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's breaking up with you. Monica Geller: Really?! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you. Jason: ...and I know I'll never miss doing it, but I gotta tell you, it's pretty cool knowing that you're making a difference in a kid's life. Phoebe Buffay: That is so great! Oh, I... Oh my God! Jason: Whoa! Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God!!! Jason: Ahh-ahh, we'd better call the fire department! Phoebe Buffay: No! No! Jason: No, no? Phoebe Buffay: Well, we don't n-n-n-n-need a fireman, we'd, we'd like a good mechanic. Oh my God, here they come! Well, we gotta get out of here! Jason: W-w-w-wait! Why?! Phoebe Buffay: Well look, if I wanted to see a fireman, I would date one. Okay? Ross Geller: Th-th-that's all it is, a third nipple. Y'know? Just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. Y'know? You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off! Dr. Rhodes: Take your shirt off, and let's see what we're dealing with here. What are you doing? Ross Geller: Just showing you my run-of-the-mill-slice-it-right-off third nipple. Dr. Rhodes: Well that's not a third nipple. Ross Geller: No? Dr. Rhodes: First of all, it's on your ass. Ross Geller: Well then, what is it?! Dr. Rhodes: Wait a minute, hold it. Johnson! Will you come in here a moment? Dr. Johnson: I'm with Hamilton! Dr. Rhodes: He's good with rear things, bring him in too. Monica Geller: I gotta go water Pete's plants. Y'know what, if he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants. Chandler Bing: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants. If y'know what I mean. Joey Tribbiani: Or ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on them. Phoebe Buffay: ...and I-I can't take it! Y'know? I'm just, always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. It's making me crazy. Rachel Green: Well honey, then why don't you break up with one of them? Phoebe Buffay: Uh. Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what happened to playing the field? Phoebe Buffay: Well, it just, it doesn't feel like playing anymore, it feels like work. It's like I'm working in the field. Rachel Green: So Pheebs, pick one of them. Monica Geller: Yeah. Which one do you like more? Phoebe Buffay: Well, Vince is great, y'know `cause, he's like a guy, guy. Y'know? He's so burly, he's sooo very burly. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but Jason's really sensitive. Chandler Bing: Well sensitive is important, pick him. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Oh sure, go with the sissy. Phoebe Buffay: Jason is not a sissy! Joey Tribbiani: Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler. Ross Geller: Y'know I have dinner plans!! Dr. Rhodes: Thank you soo much for coming on such a short notice. Ladies and gentlemen, I've-I've-I've been practicing medicine for twenty-three years, and I'm stumped. Everyone: Whoa. Monica Geller: Okay, this is the den. All right, check this out. Lights! Whoa! All right. Less lights! Bad lights! Lights go away! Oh, see you just need to find the right command. Ross Geller: Yes, and the dimmer switch. Joey Tribbiani: Whoa! For a rich guy he's got, that's a pretty small TV. Monica Geller: No-no-no, that's a video-phone. But hey guys you're not supposed to be here, so please, do not touch anything. Chandler Bing: I-kea! This is comfortable. Rachel Green: This place is amazing. Phoebe Buffay: God, that is the nicest kitchen. Monica Geller: I know. Phoebe Buffay: No! But it's the nicest kitchen, the refrigerator told me to have a great day. Joey Tribbiani: Look at this! A millionaire's checkbook. Monica Geller: Joey, put that down! Oh my God! It's Pete. Okay, get out!! How the hell do you answer a video-phone! Peter Becker: Monica? Monica Geller: I guess that's how. Peter Becker: Hey Monica, how's it going. Monica Geller: Oh it's umm, good! It's umm, it's good, just here watering the plants. Peter Becker: Well don't forget that fiches over there by Rachel. Rachel Green: Ahh... Chandler's on the couch!! Peter Becker: I see him, you guys are just the worst hiders ever. Everyone: Hey Pete. Joey Tribbiani: Hi, how ya doing? Monica Geller: Ahh, Pete, the other day when you said you needed to talk, umm, just so I know, is it good news or bad news. Peter Becker: Oh, it's good news. No, it's definitely good news. Hold on a second, I have another call. Hey, how's it going? Monica Geller: Oh no-no-no, it's still me. Peter Becker: Ah, no it's not. I've got picture-in-picture here. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I'm gonna have to call you back later. Monica? You. I'm gonna have to call you back. Monica Geller: Oh, oh, okay umm, so I'll see you soon. Peter Becker: Okay, I love you. Monica Geller: I love you. Everyone: I love you, love you. Monica Geller: Okay. Well, it's good news. It's good news. Chandler Bing: So, what do you thing the good news is? Joey Tribbiani: Wow! Look at this! He wrote a check for 50,000 dollars to Hugo Ligrens Ring Design. Oh, sorry, what do you think the good news is? Monica Geller: Oh my. Rachel Green: Monica's gonna marry a millionaire!!! Ross Geller: Hey, you gotta get Mom on the phone. Call Mom! Call Mom! Pete's Mom: Hello. Monica Geller: And that's Pete's Mom. Rachel Green: Mon you definitely have to make it a theme wedding, and the theme could be, "Look how much money we've got!" Y'know, I mean you could put, you could put money in-in the invitations! You-you could have like little money place settings. And ah, you could start with a money salad! I mean it'll be dry, but people will like it. Monica Geller: Would you stop? We've only been going out a couple of weeks, I mean we don't even know if he's gonna propose. Chandler Bing: Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He's not like other people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that's like a third or fourth date kinda thing. Monica Geller: Well if-if that's what it is, then it's-it's crazy. Ross Geller: Monica's right. We're talking about getting married here. Okay? She-she can't just rush into this. Rachel Green: Oh please, what do you know! You married a lesbian! Phoebe Buffay: All right. I gotta go. I have break up with Vince. Chandler Bing: Oh, so you're going with the teacher, huh? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I like Vince a lot, y'know? But, it's just Jason's so sensitive, y'know? And in the long run, I think sensitive it's just better than having just like a really, really, really nice butt. Jason! Definitely Jason! Okay, wish me luck! Everyone: Good luck! Rachel Green: OH MY GOD!!! Sorry, I was just imagining what it'd be like to catch the money bouquet. Phoebe Buffay: Excuse me. Umm, is Vince here? Fireman: Oh sure. Vince?! Vince: Yo!! Phoebe Buffay: Wow! I didn't know you guys actually used those. Vince: So, what's up? Phoebe Buffay: Umm, wow. This-this isn't gonna be easy. Umm, I don't think we should see each other anymore. Vince: Uh-huh. G-good deal. Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry. Vince: No-no it's okay. It's just that ah, I thought we had something pretty special here. And y'know I-I felt like you were someone I could finally open up to, and... That there's so much in me I have to share with you yet. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, I didn't... Vince: I'm sorry, I can't talk. I'm gonna go write in my journal. Phoebe Buffay: Wait-wait-wait! Wait!! Phoebe Buffay: I'm telling you, if you want to take care of that thing, you should go to my herbal guy. Ross Geller: Thank you, but I want to remove it Pheebs. I don't want to make it savory. Monica Geller: Y'know when girls sleep with guys with weird things on their body, they tell their friends about it. Ross Geller: Gimme this. Rachel Green: Hi! Okay, don't be mad at me, but I couldn't resist. Monica Geller: Brides magazines? Rachel Green: Yes, and I know that you'd say no if he asked you, but I'm sorry; how great would you look walking down the aisle in this Donna Carin. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you so would! Oh, you should get that anyway. Like for clubbing. Monica Geller: It is so weird, I know what I said, but uh, this morning, I was lying in bed I was, I was imagining what it would be like to say yes. I know it's a little sudden, and it's a little rushed, and it's totally not like me to do something like this, but that doesn't mean I can't. Right? I mean I'm-I'm crazy about Pete, and I know that we want the same things, and when I thought about saying yes, it made me really happy. Rachel Green: Oh my God. Monica Geller: I know. I need more pie. Phoebe Buffay: Hey Mon umm, if you do get married, can I bring two guests? Rachel Green: You didn't break up with that fireman? Phoebe Buffay: No, that was my way of telling you. Well, it turns out he's incredibly sensitive, he keeps a journal and he paints. He even showed me charcoal drawings that he drew of me. Rachel Green: Wow! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, well he'd prefer water colors, but y'know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal. Monica Geller: So then, are you going to dump Jason? Phoebe Buffay: Well, yeah, because I have to break up with someone, and... Okay so Jason is sensitive, but now so's Vince Plus, Vince has the body y'know? So... It's really just about the math. Phoebe Buffay: Jason? Jason: Yeah, come on in. Jason: So Phoebe, you ah, sounded kinda serious on the phone, is ah, is anything wrong? Phoebe Buffay: Nah-ha! Guru Saj: You must be Ross. Ross Geller: Hi. Guru Saj: I am Guru Saj. Ross Geller: Listen, I got to tell you I've-I've never been to a guru before, so... Guru Saj: Well, relax. If it makes you feel better, I've attended some of the finest medical schools in Central America. Well then, let's take a look at this skin abnormality of yours. Come on, have a seat. Eeh, huh. As I suspected, it's a koondis! Ross Geller: What's a koondis? Guru Saj: I don't know, what's a koondis with you? Please, lie down! I've got a sav that oughta shrink that right up. Ross Geller: I guess it's worth a try. Guru Saj: Oh sure, we should see results-Whoa!! Clearly not the way to go!! Ross Geller: What?! What?! Guru Saj: We appear to have angered it. Ross Geller: We?! We angered it?! Guru Saj: Oh, I think I see the problem. And I'm afraid we're gonna have to use a much stronger tool. Love. Ross Geller: Oh God! Guru Saj: Ross, there is absolutely no way this is going to come off unless you start to... Ross Geller: Ow!! Guru Saj: Oops. Ross Geller: What was, what was that? Guru Saj: Well it's gone. Ross Geller: What?! How's that? Guru Saj: It got caught on my watch. Ross Geller: Hey! Peter Becker: Lights. Uh, romantic lights. Monica Geller: Ooh, nice. Peter Becker: So ah, there was this thing I wanted to talk to you about. Monica Geller: Oh, right! I completely forgot about that. Peter Becker: Well ah, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I look at my life... Monica Geller: Yeah? Peter Becker: And I feel like I've conquered the business world, and I feel like I've conquered the intellectual world, and now I-I have the most beautiful woman in the world. Monica Geller: Wow. Peter Becker: There's one thing missing. Monica Geller: What's that? Peter Becker: It's time for me to conquer the physical world. Monica Geller: Okay. Peter Becker: Monica, I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion. Monica Geller: You wanna what?! Peter Becker: I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion! It's the most intense physical competition in the world, it's banned in 49 states! Monica Geller: What are you talking about? Peter Becker: Okay, my trainer, Ho Chi, is teaching me a combination of Gee Koon Doe and Brazilian street fighting, I've even had my own octagon training ring designed. Monica Geller: And I suppose you used a ring designer for that. Peter Becker: Yeah. Monica, I want you there in the front row when I win. I want you close enough to smell the blood. What do you think? Monica Geller: My parents will be so happy. Phoebe Buffay: "Crazy underwear, creepin' up my butt. Crazy underwear, always in a rut. Crazy under-wear..." Oh No! What is he doing here? All right, just keep playing, just keep playing. You'll get through this; you'll be fine. Okay, thank you. And, as always no one talk to me after the show. Jason: Hey. I was... Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Jason: I was passin' by and I saw that you were playing tonight, it's kinda cool seeing you up there. Vince: Whoa! Hey-hey! What's going on here? Who is this guy? Phoebe Buffay: I don't know, he just started kissing me. Get him! Get him, Vince! Vince: What?! Jason: What?! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, okay, I've-I've been dating both of you, and it's been really horrible. 'Cause y'know it's been a lot of fun, for me. Umm, but I-I like you both, and I, and I didn't know how to chose, so... I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm terrible, I'm a terrible person. I'm terrible. Vince: Phoebe, Phoebe relax, it's okay. I mean we never said this was exclusive. Jason: Yeah, and neither did we. Give yourself a break. Phoebe Buffay: Really?! Jason: Yeah. I mean y'know, we haven't been going out that long. Come on, we haven't even slept together yet. Huh. Vince: You haven't? Jason: You have? Phoebe Buffay: Well, this is none of my business. Jason: I-I can't believe this! You-you've slept with him?! Phoebe Buffay: Well, I made you a candle light dinner in the park. Jason: Y'know Phoebe, I'm gonna make this real easy for you. Phoebe Buffay: Well, that could've been really awkward. Vince: You made him a candle light dinner in the park? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but I-I-I-I can do that for you, I'm gonna do that for you. Vince: Uh yeah, I can't believe I ever went out with somebody who would actually have an open flame in the middle of a wooden area. Chandler Bing: Everything's gonna be all right. Okay, Dick? Guru Saj: Hello, I am Guru Saj-Whoa!! That's supposed to be a duck right? 'Cause otherwise, this is waaay out of my league. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah. He's got a, he's got a really bad cough, and our vet, he can't do anything about it. Is there something you can do? Guru Saj: Hmm, let me see. Let me see. Do you think you could get him to eat a bat?
Chandler Bing: Do you think that there's a town in Missouri or some place called Sample? And ah, as you're driving into town there's-there's like a sign, and it says "You're in Sample." Monica Geller: Hey. Everyone: Hey! Rachel Green: How'd it go with Pete?! Joey Tribbiani: Tell us! Monica Geller: You're not gonna believe this. Okay, so I go over... Billy: I'm sorry. Ex-excuse us. I'm sorry, it's a little crowded. Do you mind if we... Robin Williams: Yeah, could you scooch? Billy: Yeah, move over just a little bit. Robin: Keep on scooching. Monica Geller: So guys, listen, I go over there, and umm... Robin: Why? Why?! What's wrong with me?! Billy: What's the matter? Robin: I have a feelin'... I, my wife is sleeping with her gynaecologist. Billy: How do you know? Robin: Well y'know, he's got access. Billy: Yeah. Robin: Y'know it's that feeling you get, y'know? Billy: Like when you go bowling and you know you're in somebody else's shoes? Robin: That's the one. Phoebe Buffay: All right, so, so you went to Pete's... Ross Geller: What happened? Monica Geller: I... Robin: Why is this happening to me?! I don't know, maybe it's my wound. Monica Geller: Forget it. Billy: So it's-it's not heeled yet? Robin: No-no, it's ooozing, oozing. Could you pass me the cream? Is there any-Oh, there's the cream. Billy: Thomas, this is gonna be hard, but I wanted it to come from me, and nobody else. Robin: What is it, Tim? Billy: It's me, I've been sleeping with your wife. Joey Tribbiani: So you're the gynaecologist? Billy: Hey, I'm trying to have a private conversation! Is that okay?! Robin: Ooh, Can I have a napkin, please? Could you please hand me a napkin? Would you-Give me this thing all right!! Enough! And you are no longer my friend! We are finished! Nada!! No more! You are a bastard for doing this!! Get away from me!! Billy: Thomas, come back here! Phoebe Buffay: So Monica, what were you gonna tell us? Monica Geller: I have no idea. Rachel Green: So, come on, what was the big news Pete wanted to tell you Mon?! Or should I say Mrs. Monica Becker? Phoebe Buffay: No-no-no oh, keep your name, don't take his name. Monica Geller: He didn't ask me to marry him. Everyone: Ohh. Phoebe Buffay: Well then definately don't take his name. Monica Geller: He wanted to tell me he's gonna compete is some ultimate fighting competition thingy. The Guys: Pete?! Rachel Green: Why?! What is it? Monica Geller: I don't know exactly. It's-it's sorta like wrestling. Phoebe Buffay: Oh?! Monica Geller: Yeah, but without the costumes. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Joey Tribbiani: And it's not fake, it's totally brutal. Chandler Bing: Yeah, it's two guys in a ring, and the rules are "There are no rules." Monica Geller: So you can like, bite, and pull people's hair and stuff? Ross Geller: Yeah, anything goes, except ah, eye gouging and fish hooking. Monica Geller: What's fish hooking? Ross Geller: Huh, what's fish hooking... Thanks man, that would have been really hard to describe. What is that taste? Joey Tribbiani: What? My hands are totally clean, I just gave the duck a bath. Doug: So thanks for the warm welcome. It's good to have you guys on my team, and I come to play. I hope you do too. Now, let's go out there and get 'em! Huh? And remember, there is no 'I' in team. Chandler Bing: Yes, but there's two in martini, soo everybody back to my office. Doug: You! Chuckles! What's your name? Chandler Bing: Oh it's Bing, sir. I'm sorry , I was just ah... Doug: No-no, I heard what you said, funny. I like funny. This team is about hard work, but it's also about having fun. Good to have you aboard Bing! Ross Geller: That's right, Ryder. Wynona Ryder for six. Thank you. Yeah, we have the reservations. Rachel Green: Yes!! Chandler Bing: All right buddy, way to go! Ross Geller: Dude, what are you doing? Chandler Bing: Thank you! Today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no big deal. Phoebe Buffay: Yeesh, what'd you do about it? Chandler Bing: Well, I didn't do anything. I didn't want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom. Monica Geller: I gotta tell ya, I think it's okay to be that guy. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, maybe it's like y'know, that jock thing. Y'know how football players pat each other after touchdowns. Rachel Green: Y'know I don't, I don't understand guys, I mean I-I would never congratulate Monica on a great stew by y'know, grabbin' her boob. Chandler Bing: Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just y'know, stick your head in between 'em. Monica Geller: Okay, can we please go eat? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. What are we getting? Monica Geller: Anything but stew. Ross Geller: All right so, Chandler, from now on, don't give your boss a chance to get you. Y'know just ah, don't turn your back to him. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, or you can teach him a lesson. Y'know? What you could do is you could rub something that really smells on your butt, all right? Then, when he goes to smack ya, his hand will smell. Now what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad? Chandler Bing: What if Joey were president? Phoebe Buffay: Umm, hey Rach, can I ask you something? Rachel Green: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, you can totally say no, but umm, would it be okay with you if I set Ross up on a date? Rachel Green: Oh, ah with who? Phoebe Buffay: Umm, my friend, Bonnie. She just always thought Ross was really cute, and now that you two aren't together, she asked if I could set it up, but if you're not cool with it... Rachel Green: Oh-oh-oh, which one is Bonnie again? Phoebe Buffay: You remember her from my birthday party two years ago. She's yeah, like, average height, medium build, bald... Rachel Green: Oh! That's fine. Phoebe Buffay: Great! Okay, good for you! Hoshi: You are iron. You are steel! Let me ask you something, how come when I call your computer support line, I have to wait an hour and a half? Peter Becker: I told you, we're adding new operators all the time. Could we concentrate on my training? Hoshi: It's just hard when I know I have e-mail I can't get! Monica Geller: Hi! Peter Becker: Monica! Hi honey. Hoshi: All right, on the table. Monica Geller: Hey, umm, so listen umm, my friends were telling me a little about this ah, ultimate fighting thing and it, well it sounds really dangerous. I-I don't want you to get hurt, 'cause I kinda like you. Peter Becker: Oh, believe me, I don't want to get hurt either. I'm being smart about this. See these guys? They're the best trainers in the world, and Hoshi here used to be a paid assassin. A house painter! He used to be a house painter. Monica Geller: Promise me you'll be careful. Peter Becker: I promise. Monica Geller: Hey, are we still on for tonight? Peter Becker: Yeah. Monica Geller: Okay, good, 'cause umm, well maybe we could have a little workout of our own... Hoshi: No! No boom-boom before big fight! Monica Geller: How 'bout just a boom? Rachel Green: Well that was depressing, I think I just bought a soft pretzel from one of the kids from Fame. Ready to go to the movies? Phoebe Buffay: Um-hmm. Oh wait! This is Bonnie. Bonnie: Hi! Rachel Green: This is Bonnie? This is Bonnie? You're Bonnie? Bonnie: I can show you an ID if you want? Rachel Green: Oh no, I'm sorry, you look a lot different from the last time I-I saw you. Bonnie: Oh yeah, well I just started wearing bras again. Rachel Green: Oh, that must be it. Phoebe Buffay: Well I hope you have fun tonight. Bonnie: Thanks! You too. Rachel Green: You said she was bald. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, she was bald, she's not now. Rachel Green: How could you not tell me that she has hair? Phoebe Buffay: I don't know, I hardly ever say that about people. Rachel Green: Ohh, well, this is just perfect! Phoebe Buffay: Well I'm sorry, I thought you said it was okay. Rachel Green: Yeah, I said what was okay when I thought she was some weird bald chick. I mean, y'know, that girl has hair got all over head! Phoebe Buffay: Well, maybe it won't work out. Maybe Ross won't like her personality. Rachel Green: Why, does she have a bad personality? Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, Bonnie's the best! Doug: Bing! Read your Computech proposal, a real homerun. Ooh. Barely got ya that time, get over here. Come on. Wham! Good one. That was a good one. Keep at it team. Chandler Bing: What is with him? Phil: With him? You're is favourite, you're his guy! Stevens: We never get smacked. Chandler Bing: Well, that's not true, he-he smacked you once. Phil: Not on purpose, he ricocheted of you and got me. Stevens: I'm telling you, I need some smacks. I got a kid starting Dartmouth in the fall. Doug: Dartmouth? Who went to Dartmouth? Dartmouth sucks. Did you go to Dartmouth Bing? Chandler Bing: No sir. Doug: There you go. Ross Geller: Hey! Monica Geller: God Ross, what is that? Ross Geller: Yeah, it's the Ultimate Fighting Combo. Yeah, I saved thirty cents, plus I get to keep the cup. Yay!! Announcer: From New York City, New York! Appearing in his Ultimate Fighting Championship debut! He's known for his confrontational business style. Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing Pete Beck-errrr!! Monica Geller: I love you, Pete!!! Announcer: And his opponent, from Hunnington Beach, California! He's a 300 pound street fighter, Tank Abbottttttt!!!! Monica Geller: Pete! Pete!! That guy's pretty huge! Peter Becker: Don't worry, Hoshi taught me how to use an opponent's strength and weight against him. Ross Geller: Well, then that guy is in serious, serious trouble. Ross Geller: All right! You go get him! Let's go! Referee: Here we go gentlemen, here we go! Are you ready? Are you ready? Let's get it on!! Peter Becker: Uh-oh. Monica Geller: Hey! It's me. Mon-i-ca! Can I just tell you how proud I am of you. Peter Becker: It would be nice after hearing 20,000 people chant "You suck!" Monica Geller: I mean I-I thought you were nuts at first, but you-you did it. And now you can just look back at this thing with no regrets. Peter Becker: What, look back? Monica Geller: Well, you're not gonna get going are you? Peter Becker: Well let me ask you a question. Am I the Ultimate Fighting Champion? Monica Geller: Well, no. But... Peter Becker: Well I'm not gonna stop until I'm the Ultimate Fighting Champion. Monica Geller: That guy stood on your neck until you passed out! Peter Becker: Let me tell you a story. When I set out to create Moss 865, do you think it just happened overnight? No. There was Moss 1, that burnt down my Dad's garage, there was Moss 2 that would only schedule appointments in January, and 862 others that I learned from, just like I learned from this fight, never to let a guy stand on my neck. Monica Geller: You didn't know that already? Peter Becker: Look, I'm gonna get better. Okay? I promise you. Monica Geller: Okay, just get a lot better. Fast. Peter Becker: Oh, one other thing. Hoshi thinks that you being ringside may have affected my concentration. Monica Geller: Yeah. That-that was the problem. Monica Geller: Hey. Ross Geller: Hey! How long until Pete's fight? Monica Geller: Oh, about five minutes. Right now they're interviewing his opponent. Apparently he trains by going to Iran and pulling the arms off thieves. Ross Geller: Hot dog? Monica Geller: Four, please. I'm really nervous. Thank you. Phoebe Buffay: So Ross, how umm, how did it go with Bonnie? Ross Geller: What? Oh! I gotta tell you, I-I wasn't expecting to like her at all, I mean I actually wasn't expecting to like anyone right now, but she's really terrific. Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, that's too bad! Ross Geller: No, I-I'm saying I liked her. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, y'know what, there are other fish in the sea. Ross Geller: Pheebs, I think she's great. Okay? We're going out again. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I hear you! Are you capable of talking about any thing else? Chandler Bing: Hey! Which one's my turkey burger? Ross Geller: Ahh, the one next to my foot. Sorry. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, the fight's starting! Ross Geller: Okay, we'll be right in. So ah, did your boss try to slap you again today? Chandler Bing: Nine times! Okay, I had to put on lotion! But, it's gonna be okay, because as of tomorrow I'm conducting an experiment, and if all goes as planned, my butt will be smack free. Joey Tribbiani: Fight's over! Chandler Bing: Excuse me, Doug? Hey there sports fan!! Doug: Bing! You got those numbers for me? Chandler Bing: No, I ah, I didn't do them. Doug: Oh, you forgot? Chandler Bing: No, no I just ah, didn't do them. Instead, I ah, hung out with a couple of friends and had a couple of beers so I certainly don't deserve any praise, verbal or otherwise. Doug: Well, I got tanked myself last night. Pretty dicey drive home, Tapanzi Bridge never looked smaller. That's okay, you're still my number one guy! Bing! Chandler Bing: Doug!! Doug: Hmm. Chandler Bing: I'm a little bit uncomfortable with the that way you express yourself. Doug: Oh, is it the swearing? I mean is it the constant swearing? Because I gotta tell ya, if it is, you can just... kiss my ass! Chandler Bing: No, no. It-it's not about the swearing, it's more about ah, the way, that you ah, occasionally, concentrate, your enthusiasm on my buttock. Doug: Oh? Chandler Bing: Oh, and don't get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment. It's just that I, I have a rather, sensitive posterior, and ah, besides, it's making all the other guys jealous. Doug: Well, say no more. Y'know it takes guts to bring this up. Bing! You're okay. Chandler Bing: Okay. Doug: Ha! Ahhhhhhh! Chandler Bing: Ahhhhh! Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant, or inside his shower drain? Rachel Green: Oh my God! Phoebe look, it's Ross and that girl. Phoebe Buffay: No! No! Look at that! It's a line of ants! They're working as a team! Rachel Green: Phoebe! Phoebe Buffay: Right, oh yeah. Wow, oh, it looks like Ross is breaking up with her. Uff, I hope he lets her down easy. Let's go. Rachel Green: Come on Phoebe, look at that! They are not breaking up, look at them. Okay that's, you know what that is? That is a, that is a second date, that's what that is! Look at that, she just put her hand on his thigh... Phoebe Buffay: Oh no! That really is nothing, she is very sexually aggressive. Rachel Green: Ohh! Phoebe, this is all your fault! Now he loves her, he's gonna marry her, and this is all your fault. Phoebe Buffay: You said it was okay! Rachel Green: You said she was bald!! Phoebe Buffay: What?! What-what-what-what-what?!! Rachel Green: Phoebe, we can't, we just can't just let it happen! Okay, we have to do something! We have to break them up! Okay? Just go in there and like, shave her head! You owe me one bald girl!! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, first of all, breathe. Second of all, I don't get it. Aren't you the one that decided that you didn't want to be with Ross? Rachel Green: Yes. Phoebe Buffay: Well isn't he your friend? Don't you want him to be happy? Rachel Green: Yes. Phoebe Buffay: So? Rachel Green: I just y'know, I didn't expect him to be this happy so soon. Ufff. Ooo-ooh! Phoebe Buffay: Oh no. Rachel Green: What? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, we killed them all. Rachel Green: Oh! Peter Becker: It's okay, it's not as bad as it looks, it's a precaution. Ah, I'm not supposed to move my spine. Monica Geller: Please tell me you're stopping now. Peter Becker: I'm fine! I'd fight tonight, if they'd let me. See this circle I'm marking off here? This is my zone of terror. Monica Geller: You are insane! You-you gotta give this up! Peter Becker: I can't until I'm the ultimate fighter. I will do it. I'm telling you, the day will come when children will argue over who will win a fight, me or Superman. Now, I'm not saying I could beat Superman, but y'know, kids are stupid. Monica Geller: Sit down. All right? Please, just listen to me. You are terrible at this! Okay? You are the worst ultimate fighter ever! Ever!! Peter Becker: Y'know I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture in my right forearm, and a severely bruised Adam's Apple, but that really hurt. Monica Geller: Well then, y'know what? I care about you to much to watch you hurt yourself like this. So if you have to do this, then you're gonna have to do it without me. Peter Becker: Well if you're asking me to quit, then you're asking me to be someone I'm not. I've got to do this. Monica Geller: Then I've gotta go. Bye. Peter Becker: Mon-Monica? Monica Geller: Yes? Peter Becker: Could you leave a note? 'Cause I'm on a lot of pain killers now, and I don't know if I'll remember this tomorrow. Doug: So, in conclusion, the lines all go up , so I'm happy. Great job team! Tomorrow at 8:30. Phil! Nice job. Stevens! Way to go! Joel-burg, you maniac! I love ya! Bing! Good job, couldn't have done it without ya. Chandler Bing: Thank you, sir. Stevens: Oh, excuse me. I forgot my briefcase y'know, by accident. Doug: Of course, you did. Forgot something else too ya bastard! Well, what about you? You're not feeling left out or anything are ya? Chandler Bing: No. No, not at all, that's-that's ridiculous. Doug: Everybody else got one, and you want one too. Don't you? Chandler Bing: Ye-ye-yeah, yes I do! Doug: Now get on out of here, you! Tv Announcer: Pete Becker is circling the ring now. It looks like, he's just trying to feel him out. Oh, Bruiser is just... Chandler Bing: Run! Run you crazy, rich freak! Rachel Green: Oh, I can't watch this. Joey Tribbiani: Check it out, he's winning! Pete's winning! Monica Geller: Really?! Joey Tribbiani: No-o-o!! Tv Announcer: Uh-oh, Bruiser has Becker on the canvas and is going for his favourite area. Everyone: Oh! Oh! Phoebe Buffay: Wait, if that's his favourite area, why is he being so mean to it? Ross Geller: Well, this is ironic. Of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn't want to have kids, and from the looks of it, now Pete can't. Everyone: Ohh!!
Chandler Bing: So ah, your first sexual experience was with a woman?! Bonnie: All right, I was 15, it was my best friend, Ruth, and we got drunk on that hard cider, and then suddenly, I don't know, we were, we were making out. Chandler Bing: Tell it again. Seriously. Rachel Green: I mean is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, sure. Well y'know, earlier she was talking about geography. Monica Geller: Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in. Joey Tribbiani: Well, I think we all learned something. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, you guys! Look what I found! Look at this! That's my Mom's writing! Look. Chandler Bing: Me and Frank and Phoebe, Graduation 1965. Phoebe Buffay: Y'know what that means? Joey Tribbiani: That you're actually 50? Phoebe Buffay: No-no, that's not, that's not me Phoebe, that's her pal Phoebe. According to her high school yearbook, they were like B.F.F. Best Friends Forever. Everyone: Oh! Rachel Green: That is so cool. Phoebe Buffay: I know! So this woman probably could like have all kinds of stories about my parents, and she might even know like where my Dad is. So I looked her up, and she lives out by the beach. So maybe this weekend we could go to the beach? Everyone: Yeah! Yeah, we can! Bonnie: Shoot! I can't go, I have to work! Ross Geller: That's too bad. Rachel Green: Ohh, big, fat bummerrr. Phoebe Buffay: So great! Okay! Tomorrow we're gonna drive out to Montauk. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Bonnie had sex there! Monica Geller: Would you look at them. Am I ever gonna find a boyfriend again? I gonna die an old maid. Chandler Bing: You're not gonna die an old maid, maybe an old spinster cook. Monica Geller: Thanks! Chandler Bing: Hey now besides, if worst comes to worst, I'll be your boyfriend. Monica Geller: Yeah right. Chandler Bing: Why is that so funny? Monica Geller: You made a joke right? So I laughed. Chandler Bing: Ha-ha-ha. A little to hard. What am I not ah, boyfriend material? Monica Geller: Well, no. You're Chandler. Y'know, Chandler! Chandler Bing: Okay, so we've established my name, and hit me. But theoretically y'know, I mean say we weren't friends, say it's a blind date. I show up at your door, and I'm like "Hey, nice to meet, ya. Hey, oh-hey." Monica Geller: Well I'd probably be scared of a guy using a fake voice. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Monica Geller: Oh, hey! Oh good, you brought food! Joey Tribbiani: No, it's just my luggage. Joey Tribbiani: Woo-hoo! All right! Yeah! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I am having the best karma this week. First, I find this woman who knew my parents, and then my client with the fuzzy back gives me his beach house. Ross Geller: Yeah? What about ah, that bike messenger you hit? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I wasn't talking about his karma. Rachel Green: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey, check out the hat! Chandler Bing: What a minute, I know that hat! I was taken aboard that hat! They did experiments on me! I can't have children!! Monica Geller: Seriously, where did you get the hat? Rachel Green: Ross gave it to me. Ross Geller: Yeah, I think she looks good. Rachel Green: Ohh, thank you. Chandler Bing: Buy it for ya, or win it for ya? Rachel Green: Well excuse me, my fashion-impaired friends, I am here to tell you that hats are back. Phoebe Buffay: And this time, they've ganged up to form one giant, super hat. Ross Geller: Go, go, go! Rachel Green: Oh yeah, now everybody wants to be under this hat! Phoebe Buffay: Oy!! Monica Geller: What's with all this sand? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah, Bob said there might be flood damage. Ross Geller: Yeah, either that, or he has a really big cat. Phoebe Abbott: Well, yes, it's kind've an unusual house. It has umm, three beautiful bedrooms and ah, no baths. But y'know, the ocean is right there. Phoebe Buffay: Knock, knock, knock. Phoebe Abbott: Ah, oh, hang on a second. Come in, come in. All right, so think about it, and call me back. Phoebe Buffay: Are you ah, Phoebe Abott? Phoebe Abbott: Ahh, yes. Phoebe Buffay: Hi Phoebe Abott, I'm your best friends daughter! Phoebe Abbott: You're Erwin's daughter?! Phoebe Buffay: No, I-I mean your-your old best friend, here. Lily, from high school. Remember? Phoebe Abbott: Oh gosh, Lily, yes. Of course I remember Lily. I... Then you must be? Phoebe Buffay: Phoebe. Phoebe. Phoebe, yeah. She named me after you I guess. Phoebe Abbott: Uh-huh. Wow! Well, look! There's Frank. Phoebe Buffay: Yes!! Yes! Yes! Yes!! That's my Dad, that's Frank! Yeah! I'm sorry I'm getting all flingy. Phoebe Abbott: Take it easy-if you want, there's cookies on the counter, or, or-sangria! I can make sangria! Phoebe Buffay: No-no, sorry. Cookies are good, thanks. Phoebe Abbott: Oh. Phoebe Buffay: Well, so, umm, anyway umm, I've been, I've been looking for my Father, and umm, have you heard from him, or seen him? Phoebe Abbott: Oh no, I-I'm sorry, I guess we lost track of everybody after high school. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay. Well, so tell me everything about my parents. Everything. Phoebe Abbott: Ohh, well. Y'know we were always together, in fact the had a nickname for the three of us. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, what? What was it? Phoebe Abbott: The three losers. Oh, poor Lily. Ohh, y'know I-I heard about what happened, that must have been just terrible for you, losing your mother that way. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, no, it was great. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, y'know what a really good rainy day game is? Monica Geller: What?! Joey Tribbiani: I mean naked game. Strip poker, we should totally play strip poker. Everyone: No, no! Monica Geller: What are you crazy?! Joey Tribbiani: Come on! When you go away, you-you have to play, it's like a law! Rachel Green: Allll done! Monica Geller: Aww, thank you. Rachel Green: Okay, who's next?! Ross Geller: No-o-o! No way! Rachel Green: Come on, please?! I'm boredddd! You let me do it once before. Ross Geller: Yeah well, if ah, if that's the rule this weekend... No! Rachel Green: Yes! Ross Geller: Get away! Rachel Green: Just once! Ross Geller: Stay away! Rachel Green: Take it like a man, Ross! Ross Geller: No! No! Rachel Green: Oh, come on! Chandler Bing: Big bullies!! Ross Geller: Ow! Ow! Oh, no-no-no! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, so, how are we doing? Chandler Bing: Bored and bored! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you know what naked card game is never boring? Everyone: Noo!! Monica Geller: So what's Phoebe like? Phoebe Buffay: I'm kind, caring, and sweet. What's Monica like? Monica Geller: Ah no, the other Phoebe, the one you went to go see. Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, I think she knows where my Dad is. Joey Tribbiani: What? Rachel Green: Really?! Monica Geller: Oh well, where is he?! Phoebe Buffay: She was acting, she was pretending like she hasn't heard from him on years, but I found this picture on her fridge, and look ! Isn't this what he would look like now? Monica Geller: Totally familiar. Rachel Green: Oh, yeah. The Guys: Yeah! Monica Geller: Well, why would she lie to you? Phoebe Buffay: I don't know, but we're having dinner tomorrow night, so I figured, she's gonna tell me then. Y'know maybe she just wanted to give him time to, buy me presents, I don't know! So, you're all bored? Everyone: Ohh!! Chandler Bing: Yes! Phoebe Buffay: All right, I'm gonna close my eyes and point to someone, and you, whoever I point has to come up with something fun for us to do, and we have to do it. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, all right. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: Fan out! Fan out! Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Ooh, y'know we could just do this. Chandler Bing: Okay, umm, we all have to play strip poker. Joey Tribbiani: OH YES!!!!! Monica Geller: Strip Happy Days Game? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, well, I couldn't find any cards, so it was either this or Strip Bag Of Old Knitting Stuff. Ross Geller: Okay, Fonzy gives you two thumbs up, collect two cool points. Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Monica, if you get five cool points, you get to make somebody take off one item of clothing. It hasn't happened yet, but we're all very excited. Ross Geller: Okay, come on! Daddy needs a new pair of electromagnetic microscopes for the Prehistoric Forensics Department! Okay. Take Pinky Tuscadero up to Inspiration Point, collect three cool points!! Yeah! Which gives me five, and let's see who is gonna lose their clothes. Ummmm, I think I pick our strip poker sponsor Mr. Joey Tribianni. The Girls: Woo-hooooo!!!! Joey Tribbiani: All right, relax. It's just a shoe. Everyone: Wooooo!!!! Rachel Green: Okay, your band is playing at Arnold's, collect three cool points. Which means, I have five, and that means I get Joey's boxers! Joey Tribbiani: Fine. Gang up on me! I got you all right where I want you. Phoebe Buffay: Come on, take 'em off!! Joey Tribbiani: Actually, y'know it's kinda cold, so how about I keep my boxers on, and give you all a peek at the good stuff? Rachel Green: All right, I'm gonna make more margaritas! Ross Geller: Whoa, hey! What are doing? Trying to get me drunk? Rachel Green: I'm just making margaritas. Ross Geller: Okay. Monica Geller: I think I'll help her out. What is going on here? Rachel Green: What?! Monica Geller: You painting his toenails? Rachel Green: Oh, come on! Monica Geller: Chasing him all around the room? Rachel Green: Monica, please? Monica Geller: He's totally flirting with you too. Rachel Green: He is, isn't he? I don't know, I don't know, I mean maybe it's just being here at the beach together or, I don't know. But it's like something... Bonnie: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey! Hi Bonnie! Bonnie: Hi! My boss let me off early, so I took the train. Ross Geller: Oh. Bonnie: What are you guys doing?! Joey Tribbiani: We're playing Strip Happy Days Game! Bonnie: Cool! I'll catch up! Chandler Bing: So, you still don't think I'm boyfriend material? Monica Geller: Huh? Chandler Bing: I saw you checking me out during the game last night. Monica Geller: You didn't even take off your pants. Chandler Bing: Yeah, well, lucky for you. Monica Geller: What? Chandler Bing: I don't know. Rachel Green: Well! Is everybody else having just the best time?! Phoebe Buffay: Shhh! Shhhh! Joey's asleep. Phoebe Buffay: After he passed out, we put the sand around him to keep him warm. Rachel Green: Well I assume the ah, happy couple isn't up yet. Did you guys hear them last night? Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah, I don't know what they were doing, but at one point sea turtles actually came up to the house. Ross Geller: Good morning. Everyone: Hey. Bonnie: Hey! How did everybody sleep? Rachel Green: Oh, great. Monica Geller: Like a log. Rachel Green: I'm going for a walk. Ross Geller: Good morning. Nice breasts by the way. Bonnie: Hey, what happened to you? Rachel Green: Oh, ah nothin'. I just felt like hangin' out here and reading. Bonnie: Oh, the water was sooo great! We jumped off this pier and my suit came off. Rachel Green: Ohhhh, sorry I missed that. Bonnie: Yeah, Joey and Chandler sure are funny. Rachel Green: Ohh-ha-ha! Bonnie: I think I brought back half of the beach in my hair. It was so much easier when I used to shave my head. Rachel Green: Y'know, I gotta tell ya, I just loved your look when you were bald. Bonnie: Really?! Rachel Green: Ohh! Bonnie: Because I think about shaving it all off again sometime. Rachel Green: Really?! Bonnie: Yeah! Rachel Green: I mean you definitely should do that. Bonnie: Y'know what, I should do it. Rachel Green: Yeah! Bonnie: Yeah, thank you Rachel, you are soo cool. Rachel Green: Awww, stop. Come on. Now go shave that head! Bonnie: All right. Joey Tribbiani: What's the matter, Pheebs? Phoebe Buffay: She cancelled! My namesake cancelled on me! Joey Tribbiani: What?! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, she clamed she had to go out of town suddenly. She's avoiding me, she doesn't want to tell me where my Father is. She knows, and she won't tell me. Rachel Green: Aww Pheebs, that sucks! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, well, don't "Aww Pheebs, that sucks!" me yet. Chandler Bing: Where ya going? Phoebe Buffay: Well, she's out of town so, there's gotta be something in her house that tells me where my Father is. Ross Geller: Uh, Pheebs, some people call that breaking and entering. Phoebe Buffay: Well, are any of those people here?! Everyone: Oh, no!! No, no! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, look I-I-I do something nice, okay? I'll-I'll fill her ice trays. Bonnie: Hey, everybody! Everyone: Wow!! Ross Geller: Wh-haa-haa! Look what 'cha did! Bonnie: You wanna touch it? Ross Geller: Nooo, but it, but it's great. Bonnie: Come on, touch it! Ross Geller: Okay. You can feel all the bones in your skull. Ross Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: Hi! Ross Geller: I was having a little chat with ah, Bonnie, and ah, guess what, she-she happened to bring up y'know, who was behind the um, whole head shaving idea, and now, who was it? Oh, that's right, that's right, it was you! Rachel Green: That was her idea, I just gave her a nudge. Ross Geller: She said you gave her the razor! Bonnie: Hey guys. Rachel Green: Hey! Bonnie: So, anyone up for a midnight dip in the ocean? Ross Geller: Ahh, no, I'm good. Bonnie: Okay, I'll see you in a bit. Ross Geller: Okay, have fun! Wooo!! Rachel Green: Come on see, she doesn't look that bad. Ross Geller: You can see the moonlight bouncing off her head! What the hell were you thinking?!! Rachel Green: I don't know. Ross Geller: You don't know?! Rach, you balded my girlfriend! Rachel Green: All right! Ross, do you think it's easy for me to see you with somebody else? Ross Geller: Y'know, hey! You're the one who ended it, remember? Rachel Green: Yeah, because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you! Ross Geller: You still love me? Rachel Green: Noo. Ross Geller: You still love me. Rachel Green: Oh, y-yeah, so, you-you love me! Ross Geller: Noo, nnnnn. What does this mean? What do you, I mean do you wanna, get back together? Rachel Green: Noo! Maybe! I, I don't know. Ross, I still can't forgive you for what you did, I can't, I just, but sometimes when I'm with you I just, I feel so... Ross Geller: What?! Rachel Green: I just, I feel, I-I just... Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: I feel... Chandler Bing: Noo!! I don't care! I'm not, I'm not gonna playing one-on-one strip poker with you for practice! Joey Tribbiani: But I made cards!! Rachel Green: Well! Good night. I'm going upstairs. Joey Tribbiani: Wanna play strip poker for practice? Phoebe Buffay: Ow! My ass. Okay. Okay. Oh, shhh! Phoebe Buffay: No! No!! It's me! It's me! I-I didn't want to make any noise! Phoebe Abbott: Then don't break in!! Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry. Phoebe Abbott: What are you doing here?! Phoebe Buffay: I-I, came to fill your ice cube trays. Phoebe Abbott: What?! Phoebe Buffay: Umm, okay, okay, look. I took this picture from your fridge. Okay, because I know that this is my Father. Yeah, this is Frank Buffay and you are standing right there next to him. Now, look I deserve to know where I came from. All right? So if you can help me find my Father then you should! Otherwise, you're just mean! So, just tell me the truth! Phoebe Abbott: All right, the man in the picture is Chuck Magioni. Phoebe Buffay: My Father is Chuck Magioni? Phoebe Abbott: No, no, that's just Chuck Magioni, I-I sold him a house last year! And I'm very sorry, but I don't know where your Father is, and that's the truth. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Phoebe Abbott: But umm, you're right. I think that a person should know where they come from. Wh-which is why I ah, ahh, okay. I'm your mother. Phoebe Buffay: Heh? Phoebe Abbott: Y'know I wanted to tell you yesterday, but I just, I kinda felt all floopy, and... Joey Tribbiani: I'm telling ya, you guys are totally getting back together! Ross Geller: That's not true! Her, she doesn't even know what she wants! Rachel's still mad about the whole thing. Chandler Bing: Okay, then you gotta back away, all right? You don't need that kind've hurt. Take it from a guy who's never had a long term relationship... Ross Geller: I know, but ahhhhhh!! I really wanna go up there and finish that kiss! Bonnie: Hey! Chandler Bing: Ahhhh! Bonnie: You guys, the water's great. You should really go in. Chandler Bing: Oh, ahh, no thanks, I just had an M&M. Bonnie: Okay, well g'night. Ross Geller: Good night. Bonnie: Don't be too long. Ross Geller: Okey-dokey! Chandler Bing: There is not one hair on that head. Ross Geller: Hey, it'll grow back, right? And she-she's really fun, and she's cool, and-and I'm finally moving on. Y'know? I mean getting over Rachel was so , y'know? Y'know, and I'm finally feeling sane again. And now if I go up there, and-and I kiss her, and, Gooood I wanna kiss her, and-and-and it doesn't work out, right? Do I really wanna put myself through that again? Joey Tribbiani: So let me get this straight. If you go with Bonnie tonight, you're doing the smart, healthy thing and moving on. Ross Geller: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Right, and you go with Rachel, Bonnie's free tonight? Ross Geller: Hi. Chandler Bing: Hi there. Monica Geller: That's that weird voice again. Chandler Bing: Okay! Okay! Let me try it again, you're gonna wanna date this next guy, I swear! Chandler Bing: Hi! I'm Dorf! You're date for the evening. Oh come on! Dorf on dating, that's good stuff!!
Ross Geller: Hi! Bonnie: Rachel was just helping me out. My head got all sunburned. Ross Geller: Awww. Bonnie: Thanks a million. Rachel Green: Oh, you're welcome a million. Bonnie: Okay, I'll see you in our room. Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: Oh my God. Ross Geller: I know. Ross Geller: Okay, I gotta go. Rachel Green: Whoa! What?! Why?! Ross Geller: Well, I-I gotta go break up with Bonnie. Rachel Green: Here?! Now?! Ross Geller: Well, yeah. I can't-I can't stay here all night, and if I go in there she's-she's gonna wanna... do stuff. Rachel Green: Well, can't you tell her that you are not in the mood? Ross Geller: No, she likes that. Yeah. Faking sleep doesn't work either, I can't tell you how many mornings I woke up with her... Rachel Green: Whoa-ho. Ross Geller: Whoa-oh, okay! Yeah, why am I telling you that? Rachel Green: I don't know. Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah. It wasn't every morning. Rachel Green: Oh, making it worse! Ross Geller: Okay. Phoebe Abbott: So I guess you'd like to know how it all happened. Phoebe Buffay: I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I guess y'know I was born, and everyone started lying their asses off! Phoebe Abbott: Noo! No! It wasn't like that I... Remember how I told you how Lily, Frank, and I we were, we were close. Well, we were, we were very close. Phoebe Buffay: How close? Phoebe Abbott: Well, the-the three of us we were, kind of umm, a couple. Phoebe Buffay: I don't even know how that would work! Phoebe Abbott: Well, we were... Phoebe Buffay: I'm not asking! Phoebe Abbott: Well, any how, some how I got pregnant, and, and I was scared. I was stupid and sellfish, and I was 18 years old. I mean, you remember what it's like to be eighteen years old? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Let's see, my had Mom killed herself, and my Dad had run off, and I was living in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand. Phoebe Abbott: Well, I'm so sorry. I thought I was leaving you with the best parents in the world, I didn't even hear about your Mom and Dad til a couple of years ago, and by then you were already grown up. I don't know, you're here, and I would, I would really, I would like to get to know you. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, well, everybody does! I'm a really cool person. And y'know you had 29 years to find that out, but you didn't even try! Y'know what, you walked out on me, and I'm just, I'm gonna do the same thing to you. Phoebe Abbott: Wait! Phoebe Buffay: I don't ever want to see you again! Phoebe Buffay: Umm, where's my purse? Monica Geller: Shoot! We're out of soda. Chandler Bing: Oh, I'll go out and get you some. Monica Geller: Really?! Chandler Bing: Nope! Because I'm not your boyfriend. Hey Pheebs, how did it go? Phoebe Buffay: Well, umm, my Mom's friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth Mom. Chandler Bing: I found a dried up seashores. Monica Geller: Sweety, what are you talking about? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, my new Mom, who-who's a big, fat abandoner! Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, wait, Pheebs, wait a second! Don't you wanna stay here and talk about it? Phoebe Buffay: No. I'm just, I wanna, I need to be alone. Phoebe Buffay: Monica! Monica Geller: Oh. Ross Geller: It's over. Rachel Green: Oh, was it awful? Ross Geller: Well, it was loong. I didn't even realise how late it was, until I noticed the 5 o'clock shadow on her head. Anyway, she didn't want to stay. I called a cab; she just left. Rachel Green: I wrote you a letter. Ross Geller: Ohh! Thank you! I like mail. Rachel Green: It's just some things I've been thinking about. Some things about us, and before we can even think about the two of us getting back together, I just need to know how you feel about this stuff. Ross Geller: Okay. Wow, it's-it's 5:30 in the morning. So, I'd better get cracking on this baby. Rachel Green: Well, I'll be waiting for you, just come up when you're done. Ross Geller: Okay, I'll be up in, 18 pages. Front and back. Very exciting. Ross Geller: Oh. Oh-oh. Rachel Green: Hey! What happened to you? Why didn't you come up? Ross Geller: Done! Rachel Green: You just finished? Ross Geller: Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-this is clearly very, very important to you, to us! And so I wanted to read every word carefully, twice! Rachel Green: So umm, does it? Ross Geller: I'm sorry. Rachel Green: Does it? Ross Geller: Does it? Does it? Yeah, I wanted to give that whole 'Does it?' part just another glance. Rachel Green: What are you talking about, Ross, you just said that you read it twice! Look, y'know what, either it does or it doesn't, and if you have to even think about it... Ross Geller: No, Rach, no. I don't, I don't, I don't have to think about it, in fact, I've decided, I've decided that, that it...does. Rachel Green: Are you sure? Ross Geller: Oh, sure! I'm sure. Rachel Green: I know. Chandler Bing: All right, there's a nuclear holocaust, I'm the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me? Monica Geller: Ennnh. Chandler Bing: I've got canned goods. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you guys! Take a look at this! Check this baby out, dug me a hole! Chandler Bing: Excellent hole, Joe. Joey Tribbiani: Oh no! No!! My hole!! Monica Geller: Ow!! Ow!!! Joey Tribbiani: What?! What?!! What is it?! Monica Geller: Jellyfish sting! Oh, it hurts! It hurts!! It hurts!! Chandler Bing: Well, can we help?! You want us to take you back to the house?! Monica Geller: It's like two miles! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, and I'm a little tired from digging the hole. Monica Geller: Oh damn the jellyfish. Damn all the jellyfish! Chandler Bing: We've got to do something! Joey Tribbiani: Well, there's really only one thing you can do. Monica Geller: What?! What is it?! Joey Tribbiani: You're gonna have to pee on it. Monica Geller: What?!! Gross!! Joey Tribbiani: Don't blame me, I saw it on The Discovery Channel. Chandler Bing: Y'know what, he's right. There's something like uh, ammonia in that, that like kills the pain. Monica Geller: Well forget it! It doesn't hurt that baaad!!!! Joey Tribbiani: If you want some privacy you can use my hole. Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm ready to get the hell out of here! Oh. Are you? Are you?!! Ohh! That's so great!! Ooh, not for Bonnie. But for you, yay! Ohh. Ross Geller: Hey! Rachel Green: How was the beach? Monica Geller: Nothing, I don't know. Ross Geller: What happened? Monica Geller: Nothing. I'm gonna take a shower. Chandler Bing: Me too!! Joey Tribbiani: Me too. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I'm gonna put this in the car. Rachel Green: Ooh, I have to go pack. It really does? Ross Geller: It does. It really and truly does. Ross Geller: It so does not!!! Ross Geller: She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong in our relationship. I mean she goes on for five pages about, about how I was unfaithful to her! WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!! Chandler Bing: Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I'm gonna break up with you! Ross Geller: Fine! Fine! But this break-up was not all my fault, and she, she says here, "If you accept full responsibility..." Full responsibility! "...I can begin to trust you again. Does that seem like something you can do. Does it?!!" Joey Tribbiani: No? Chandler Bing: Look, Ross, you have what you want, you're back with Rachel. If you bring this up now you're gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you. Ross Geller: Yeah, I know. I mean, no, you're right. Yeah I guess I'll let it go. But you-you understand how-how hard it is to forget about this. Joey Tribbiani: Sure, it's hard to forget! But that doesn't mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things happened on that trip that we should never, ever talk about. Ross Geller: What the hell happened on that beach?! Joey Tribbiani: It's between us and the sea, Ross! Phoebe Buffay: Hi, Ursula. Ursula Buffay: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, well umm, I know that we haven't talked in a long time, but umm okay, our Mom is not our birth Mom. This-this other lady is our birth Mom. Ursula Buffay: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm. Phoebe Buffay: You know her?! Ursula Buffay: No, I umm, I read about her in Mom's suicide note. Phoebe Buffay: There-there was a suicide note?! Well, do you still have it? Ursula Buffay: Hang on. Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe you didn't tell me there was a suicide note! Ursula Buffay: Yeah. So how have you been doing? Phoebe Buffay: I, umm, shut up! Phoebe Buffay: "Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. I'll miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk." You just wrote this! Ursula Buffay: Well, it's pretty much the gist. Well, except for the poem. You read the poem, right? Phoebe Buffay: Noooo!! Ursula Buffay: All right, hang on! Monica Geller: Pass the cheese, please. Monica Geller: My God, you can't even look at me! Can you? Joey Tribbiani: Nope. Chandler Bing: Hey! Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe!! Phoebe Buffay: No. I'm-I'm to depressed to talk. Chandler Bing: I'll give you a thousand dollars to talk to us. Ross Geller: Hey, you guys! What do you, what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing? Rachel Green: All right, that's it, you guys! What happened out there? Monica Geller: What? We took a walk, nothing happened. I can back with nothing all over me. Ross Geller: What happened? Joey? Joey Tribbiani: All right. Monica Geller: No! Joey, we swore we'd never tell! Chandler Bing: They'll never understand! Joey Tribbiani: Well, we have to say something! We have to get it out! It's eating me alive!! Monica got stung by a jellyfish. Monica Geller: All right!! All right. I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn't stand. I-I couldn't walk. Chandler Bing: We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it. Monica Geller: I was in too much pain. Joey Tribbiani: And I was tired from digging the huge hole! Chandler Bing: And then Joey remembered something. Joey Tribbiani: I'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel... Ross Geller: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?! Monica Geller: You can't say that!! You-you don't know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn't...bend that way. So... Joey Tribbiani: That's right I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I'd pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldn't. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler. Chandler Bing: Joey kept screaming at me, "Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!" Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming. Joey Tribbiani: That's 'cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out. Phoebe Buffay: "...fuchsia and mauvvve. Those are the 66 colours of my bedroommmm." Thank you, thank you. Ohh, and I invite you to count the colours in your bedroom. Except for you. You go away. Phoebe Abbott: I'll go in a second, I-I just wanted to tell you that there hasn't been a day where I didn't regret giving you up. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, bye. Phoebe Abbott: No, I'm not done. I-I-I just want you to know that I, the reason I didn't look you up was, well I was afraid that you'd react, just well like, the way, the way you're reacting right now, and can't we just, y'know, start from here? Phoebe Buffay: No. Phoebe Abbott: Sorry. But just one last thing. Y'know you came looking for family. I'm family, I'm it. Now, now I'm done. Phoebe Buffay: But, it's not like we're losing anything. Y'know? Phoebe Abbott: Yeah, I guess you're right. Phoebe Buffay: It's not like we-we know each other or anything. Or that have anything in common. Phoebe Abbott: Well, I don't know. I mean it's not like we don't have anything in common. I mean I like uh, pizza. Phoebe Buffay: I-I like pizza! Phoebe Abbott: You do?! Wait, I like umm, the Beetles. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, so do I! Phoebe Abbott: I knew it, wow!! Phoebe Buffay: Wait-wait-wait, wait! Puppies. Cute or ugly? Phoebe Abbott: Ohh, so cute. Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, well! But umm, still I'm-I'm mad at you. Phoebe Abbott: I know. I'm mad at me too. Phoebe Buffay: Well umm, do you wanna get something to eat? I'm kinda hungry. Phoebe Abbott: Hey! Me too! Phoebe Buffay: All right, stop it. Now you're just doing it to freak me out. Rachel Green: Oh-hooo, I missed you. Ross Geller: I missed you too. Rachel Green: Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter. But the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you've grown. Y'know? Ross Geller: I suppose. Rachel Green: You have! Ross, you should give yourself credit. I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Ross Geller: Umm-hmm. Rachel Green: Ooh, I just wish we hadn't lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective... Ross Geller: WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!! Chandler Bing: Coffee house? Monica Geller: You bet. Ross Geller: And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!! Rachel Green: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!! Ross Geller: I didn't know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn't finish the whole letter! Rachel Green: What?!! Ross Geller: I fell asleep! Rachel Green: You fell asleep?! Ross Geller: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means 'you are,' Y-O-U-R means 'your!' Rachel Green: Y'know I can't believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!! Ross Geller: FINE BY ME!! Rachel Green: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!! Monica Geller: Hey!! Rachel Green: Sorry!! I just feel bad about all that sleep you're gonna miss wishing you were with me! Ross Geller: Oh, no-no-no don't you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter!!! Rachel Green: And hey! Just so you know, it's not that common! It doesn't happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!! Chandler Bing: I KNEW IT!!!! Monica Geller: Gin. Chandler Bing: We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked. Monica Geller: Will you stop! Chandler Bing: Okay. All right. Monica Geller: Okay, all right, I think you're great, I think you're sweet, and you're smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me. Monica Geller: Gin. Chandler Bing: We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked. Monica Geller: Will you stop! Chandler Bing: Okay. All right. Monica Geller: Okay, all right, I think you're great, I think you're sweet, and you're smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me.
Chandler Bing: Wow! That ripped! That ripped real nice! Joey Tribbiani: How many times do I have to tell you! Ya, turn and sliiiide! Y'know, turn and slide. Chandler Bing: You don't turn and slide, you throw it out! I'm tired of having to get a tetanus shot every time I get dressed! Joey Tribbiani: Look, we're not throwing it out! I built this thing with my own hands! Chandler Bing: All right, how about we, how 'bout we sell it. Joey Tribbiani: All right. But, you're gonna have to tell them. Chandler Bing: Do you mind if we stick you in another cabinet? They seem all right with it! Chip Matthews: Hey Monica, it's Chip. Monica Geller: Yesss!! Ross Geller: Who's Chip? Monica Geller: Shhh! Chip Matthews: Good runnin' into you at the bank today, so ah, here's my number, 555-9323. Give me a call. Later. Monica Geller: Chip, is Chip Matthews. Ross Geller: The guy who took Rachel to the prom? Why is he calling you? Monica Geller: 'Cause I ran into him at the bank, he is still soo cute. Ross Geller: Monica, you're so lucky! He's like the most popular guy in school!! Monica Geller: I know!! Chip? Hi! It's Monica. 'Kay. 'Kay. Okay. Okay, good-bye. Oh my God, we just had the best conversation!! Ross Geller: I was just leaving. Rachel Green: Good! 'Cause I've got a product report to read, it's like eight pages, I hope I don't fall asleep. Ross Geller: Why? Did you write it? Rachel Green: Wow! Look at that, Chip Matthews called. I wonder what he wants? Ross Geller: Well ah, actually... Rachel Green: I bet he sensed that I was ready to have sex with another guy. Ross Geller: Well, umm, why don't you give him a call? Rachel Green: Okay. Are you sure you wanna hear this? Ross Geller: Oh, I'm sure. Rachel Green: Chip! Hi, it's Rachel. Rachel Green. Yeah, umm, you left me a message. Yes you did, my roommate wrote it down. Monica Geller. Ohh. Ross Geller: Oh, that's right! He called to ask out Monica! That-that's gotta be embarrassing! Phoebe Buffay: ...DUMB, DRUNKEN, BITCH!!! Thank you, thanks. Ross Geller: Hey, here's a question; where did you guys get the finest oak East of the Mississippi? Chandler Bing: Uh-huh, first you tell us where you got the prettiest lace in all the land. Ross Geller: I'm reading your ad. Joey Tribbiani: Looks good, uh? Ross Geller: Yeah. Chandler Bing: Stunning entertainment center. Fine, fine Italian craftsmanship. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, you guys are selling the entertainment center? Rachel Green: Why? I love that thing. Chandler Bing: You want it? Chandler Bing: Ahh, Gepeto, $5,000 dollars? Are you insane? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, the ad alone cost 300 bucks! Chandler Bing: All right look, I'm changing it to 50 bucks, or your best offer. Joey Tribbiani: What kind of profit is that?! And you call yourself an accountant. Chandler Bing: Nooo. Joey Tribbiani: Oh. What do you do? Chandler Bing: I can't believe you don't know what I do for a living! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I actually don't know... Ross Geller: Good, so do I Rachel Green: Something to do with numbers? Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! No! Shoo! Kitty! No! No-no-no! Shoo! Come on, you! Come on. Crazy. Oh my God. Rachel Green: What? Phoebe Buffay: Nothing. Nothing. Joey Tribbiani: What? What's wrong? Phoebe Buffay: I just, I just have this really strong feeling that this cat is my Mother. Rachel Green: You mean the mom you met in Montauk. She was a cat?! Phoebe Buffay: No, no-no, she was a human lady. This is the spirit of my Mom Lily, the one who killed herself. Ross Geller: Are you sure she's in the cat, or have you been taking your grandma's glycoma medicine again? Phoebe Buffay: No Dr. Skeptismo! I'm sure. First of all, okay, there's the feeling. Okay, and for another, how about the fact that she went into my guitar case which is lined with orange felt. My Mother's favourite fish is Orange Roughy... Cats...like...fish! Hi, Mommy. Oh, I haven't seen this smile in 17 years! Joey Tribbiani: Dude, Phoebe's mom has got a huge peni... Chandler Bing: Let it go!! Monica Geller: Hey! Rachel Green: Umm, when were you gonna tell me that you're going out with Chip Matthews? Monica Geller: Now? Is it okay if I go out with Chip Matthews? Rachel Green: Nooo! It's not okay! I can't believe you would want to after what he did to me! Monica Geller: What, that little thing at the prom? Rachel Green: Monica! I couldn't find him for two hours! He was having sex with Amy Welch! Monica Geller: Come on, that was back in high school! How could that still bother you? Rachel Green: I mean why, of all people would you want to go out with Chip?! Monica Geller: Look, you and I went to different high schools... Rachel Green: Okay, that doesn't help me, because we went to the same high school. Monica Geller: You went to one where you were popular, and you got to ride off Chip's motorcycle, and wear his letterman jacket. I went to one where I wore a band uniform they had to have specially made. Rachel Green: They had to have that specially made?! Monica Geller: It was a project for one of the Home Ec classes. Rachel Green: Oh my God, they told us that was for the mascot! Monica Geller: Back then, I thought that I would never, ever get the chance to go out with a Chip Matthews, and now he's-he's called me up and asked me out. And the fat girl inside of me really wants to go. I-I owe her this. I never let her eat. Rachel Green: Oh, you go out with him. Monica Geller: Oh, really?! Rachel Green: Yeah. Just, if it's possible, could you leave him somewhere and go have sex with another guy? Monica Geller: I'll try. Ross Geller: So you guys having any luck getting rid of the entertainment center? Joey Tribbiani: Well, there were a couple of calls last night, but ah, I don't think any of them are gonna work out. Chandler Bing: Yes, Joey has a very careful screening process. Apparently, not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails. Phoebe Buffay: Stop it! Stop it! She keeps squirming, trying to get away! Just like when she was alive. Ross Geller: So Pheebs, how long is your mom gonna be with us? Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm not sure. I mean, I guess until she y'know, gets used to the fact that there's y'know, a new mom. Y'know, I think she's worried that y'know, she's gonna, she's gonna be replaced. Well, that's not gonna happen is it? Noo. Okay, I have to return a call in the other room. Monica Geller: Why can't you use the phone in here? Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm returning a call from a certain mom at the B-E-A-C-H. I just spelled the wrong word. Ross Geller: So, guys, am I crazy, or does Phoebe's mom remind anyone of a cat? Monica Geller: Ross, don't start. Ross Geller: Come on, you-you can't tell me you actually believe that-that there's a woman inside that cat! Rachel Green: I believe it. Ross Geller: No you don't. Rachel Green: Yes, I do. Ross Geller: No you do-y'know what, you're not gonna suck me into this. Rachel Green: Oh sure I am, because you always have to be right. Ross Geller: I do not always have to be-okay, okay. Rachel Green: Jurassic Park could happen. Tony: Wow! That's ah, that's pretty nice! Joey Tribbiani: Pretty nice? Chandler Bing: You'll have to pardon my roommate, he wanted to marry this. Tony: We don't have 50 bucks, but would you be willing to trade for it? We've got a canoe. Chandler Bing: Y'know, I, I really don't think we need a canoe. Tony: You gotta take the canoe! Chandler Bing: All right, just, just take the entertainment center, and then when you get home, throw the canoe away! Peter: We're not throwing it away! I built that canoe! Joey Tribbiani: Good for you!! Rachel Green: You guys, you're never gonna believe what I just found tacked up on a telephone pole! Look kinda familiar? Ross Geller: Apparently Phoebe's mother also goes by the name Julio. Rachel Green: You guys, there's a little girl in Soho looking for this cat. I mean, you know what that means?! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-eah! 200 dollar reward, split five ways!! Rachel Green: Do we have to tell her? Ross Geller: Yes, we have to tell her! Monica Geller: Oh, but it's made her so happy. Ross Geller: Little girl misses her cat. Crazy lady thinks her mother is in a cat. Okay, y'know what, I have to go have dinner with my son, can I trust that when you see Phoebe, you will tell her. Everyone: Yeah. Ross Geller: Thank you. Rachel Green: I hate when Ross is right! Monica Geller: He is right, isn't he? Chandler Bing: Y'know what, I think this might be one of the times he's wrong. Everyone: You think? Chandler Bing: Oh-no, he's right. Phoebe Buffay: Hi. Monica Geller: Hi! Everyone: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Uh, Pheebs, about your mom... Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? Joey Tribbiani: How's that going? Phoebe Buffay: So great. Oh, we took a nap today and my Mom fell asleep on my tummy and purred. Joey Tribbiani: That's so sweet. I'm gonna get some coffee. Monica Geller: Huh? What'd ya say Joe? I'll be right there. Rachel Green: Pheebs... Phoebe Buffay: I just feel so, uhh... Rachel Green: All right!! Chandler Bing: I'm coming already!! Rachel Green: Jeez! Monica Geller: Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Rachel Green: Hello, Chip. Chip Matthews: Hey, Rach! How ya doin'? Rachel Green: I'm great! I'm great. I've got a great job at Bloomingdale's, have wonderful friends, and eventhough I'm not seeing anyone right now, I've never felt better about myself. Chip Matthews: So ah, Monica ready yet? Rachel Green: She'll be out in a second. So, Chip, how's umm, Amy Welch? Chip Matthews: Amy Welch? Wow! I haven't seen her since... So, Monica about ready? Joey Tribbiani: This is the unit for you my friend. Sturdy construction, tons of storage compartments, some big enough to fit a grown man. Guy: What?! Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah! I got in there myself once. My roommate bet me five bucks that I couldn't, and then he stuck a board through the handles that locked me in. Yeah. It was funny 'til I started feeling like I was in a coffin. Guy: No, you, you can't fit in that thing. That's not deep enough. Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah? If I can't, I'll knock five bucks off the price off the unit. Guy: All right, you have yourself a deal. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. See?! I told ya! Joey Tribbiani: Sometimes I get in here just to get away from it! Hey, a nickel!! Chip Matthews: Here, we are. Monica Geller: Oh my God! You still have the Chipper! Chip Matthews: The what? Monica Geller: That's what we used to call your ah, your motorcycle in high school. Y'know how a motorcycle is a Chopper, and you're Chip. Nevermind. Chip Matthews: No, I think it's cute. Monica Geller: Wow! A lipper from Chipper. Chip Matthews: So you still in touch with anyone from high school? Monica Geller: Umm. Well, there's Rachel, and umm, I think that's it. How bout you? Chip Matthews: Oh yeah, I still hang with Simmons and Zana, y'know. I see Spindler a lot. Devane, Kelly, and I run into Goldie from time to time. Steve Brown, Zuchoff, McGwire, J.T., Breadsly. Monica Geller: Is that all? Chip Matthews: Ehh, y'know after high school, you just kinda lose touch. Oh yeah! I ran into Richard Dorfman. Monica Geller: Ohh, how is he? Chip Matthews: Not so good, Simmons and I gave him a wedgie. Monica Geller: Isn't he an architect now? Chip Matthews: Yeah, they still wear underwear. Chandler Bing: OH MY GOD!!! Joey Tribbiani: WHAT?!! Chandler Bing: Are you all right?! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah... Chandler Bing: What happened?!! Joey Tribbiani: Awww, man! He promised he wouldn't take the chairs!! Chandler Bing: What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!! Joey Tribbiani: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn't think big enough to fit a grown man! Chandler Bing: So-You got in voluntarily?! Joey Tribbiani: I was tryin' to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again, do you know what I'm gonna do? Chandler Bing: BEND OVER?!!! Chip Matthews: ...and then Zana, just let one rip!! Monica Geller: Look, not that I enjoy talking about people who I went to high school with, 'cause I do, but umm, maybe we could talk about something else? Like you, I don't even know where you work? Chip Matthews: You know where I work! Monica Geller: I do? Chip Matthews: The movie theatre, you used to come in all the time. Monica Geller: You still work at the multiplex? Chip Matthews: Oh, like I'd give up that job! Free popcorn and candy, anytime I want. I can get you free posters for your room. Monica Geller: Thanks, I'm set. Do you still live with your parents? Chip Matthews: Oh yeah, but I can stay out as late as I want. Rachel Green: Wow! They really got you guys. Your T.V. The chairs. Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, your microwave. The stereo. Joey Tribbiani: Aww, man, he took the five of spades!! Oh, no-no-no, here it is! Monica Geller: Oh my God! What happened? Chandler Bing: Oh, umm, Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed!! Rachel Green: So, how was your date? Monica Geller: Well, y'know how I always wanted to go out with Chip Matthews in high school? Rachel Green: Um-hmm. Monica Geller: Well, tonight, I actually went out with Chip Matthews in high school. Rachel Green: Oh honey, I'm sorry. Monica Geller: No, it's okay, not only did I get to go out with Chip Matthews, I got to dump Chip Matthews. Rachel Green: Ohh! That's so great! Monica Geller: I know! Ross Geller: Hey! So ah, what did the insurance company say? Chandler Bing: Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here, so stop calling us." Ross Geller: You didn't tell her?! Okay, fine! Pheebs? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? Hi! Ross Geller: Hi! Listen uhh, this cat belongs to a little girl. There are flyers all over the place. Rachel Green: I'm sorry, sweetie. Monica Geller: Hey, we can take her back with you if you want. Phoebe Buffay: Ohh. Um-hmm. But y'know, she choose to find me. I mean, I have to respect her decision. Right? Ross Geller: No! No! Look-Hey, enough is enough! Look, I am sorry that you feel guilty or whatever about spending time with your new mom, but this is not your old mom. This is a cat! Okay, Julio the cat! Not mom! Cat! Phoebe Buffay: Ross, how many parents have you lost? Ross Geller: None. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, then you don't know what it feels like when one of them comes back. Do you? I believe this is my Mother. Even if I'm wrong, who cares? Just be a friend. Okay? Be supportive. Ross Geller: I'm sorry. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Ross Geller: I don't know what to say. Rachel Green: You could... say you're sorry to her mom. Phoebe Buffay: I think she would like that. Ross Geller: Come here, here, come here, come here, Mrs. Buffay. Sorry, about what I said, umm, it was, it was insensitive of me to say that you were just a cat. When clearly you are also the reincarnated spirit, of my friend's mother. Phoebe Buffay: Thank you. We both forgive you. Rachel Green: So honey, what are you gonna do about the little girl? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, okay, listen, umm, Mom, I hope you know you still mean a lot to me. And you're welcome to come back anytime. Chandler Bing: Pheebs, if she could come back as a couch, we'd really appreciate it. Phoebe Buffay: Come on, Mom, I'll take you home. Rachel Green: I'll go with you. Monica Geller: Me too. Ross Geller: Oh! Y'know, I've got an extra futon. Joey Tribbiani: Dude, you don't have to brag! We got nothing here!!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!! We are so in luck! Treeger said that we could have all this cool stuff from the basement. Wait right there. Chandler Bing: Oh no-no-no, I'm, I'm paddling away! Joey Tribbiani: Huh?! Chandler Bing: Wow! Really?! We get all this rusty crap for free?! Joey Tribbiani: Uh-huh. This and a bunch of bubble wrap. And, some of it is not even popped! Chandler Bing: Could we be more white trash? Monica Geller: How desperate am I? Rachel Green: Oh! Good thing Chandler's not here, he always wins at this game. Monica Geller: I just told my Mom I'd cater a party for her. Phoebe Buffay: How come? Monica Geller: Because I need the money, and I thought that it'd be a great way to get rid of that last little schmidgen of self-respect. Ross Geller: Come on, I think this is a good thing. I don't think Mom would've hired you if she didn't think you were good at what you do. Monica Geller: You don't have to stick up for her. She can't here you. Rachel Green: Hey! Umm, do you guys have any juice? Joey Tribbiani: Just pickle. Chandler Bing: Hey uh, Rach, funny story. I ah, bumped into Joanna on the street yesterday. Rachel Green: My boss, Joanna? Wow, that must've been awkward. Chandler Bing: Well, no, actually she uh, asked me if I wanted to get a drink. Rachel Green: You ah, you didn't say 'Yes' to that did you? Chandler Bing: No. No! Joanna: Hello, Rachel. Chandler Bing: Well, not at first. Rachel Green: What is she doing here? Rachel Green: I don't understand! Last time you went out with her you said she was a 'big, dull dud.' Chandler Bing: Well, I think I judged her too quickly, and this time we were able to take the relationship to the next level. Rachel Green: Well, last time I almost got fired. You must end it, you must end it now! Chandler Bing: Oh, come on! It's not like this is an everyday occurrence for me! I mean usually I'm pretty much just in there by myself. Rachel Green: Chandler!! Promise me, you will end it. Chandler Bing: Okay, I promise, I'll end it. Rachel Green: Thank you. Chandler Bing: I hope you know what I'm giving up for ya, because she's not just the boss in your office, if you know what I mean. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-eh-eah! Oh-oh, sorry, I-I knew what he meant. Judy Geller: How's the hired help? Monica Geller: Doing great, the quiches are coming along. Judy Geller: What's this? Blue nail polish? Monica Geller: Yeah, I thought it was cute. Judy Geller: Ahh, that's what your Grandmother's hands looked like when we found her. Monica Geller: Let me ask you a question. Judy Geller: Hmm. Monica Geller: Why did you hire me? Judy Geller: Oh, well Richard raved about the food at his party, of course you were sleeping with him. Then I heard the food at that lesbian wedding was very nice, I assume you weren't sleeping with anybody there. Though, at least that would be something. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Did you hear that? She hired me because she thinks I'm good. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I didn't hear that. Monica Geller: Oh yeah, she didn't hire me out of pity, it wasn't so she could pick on me in front of her friends, she actually thinks I'm good. Phoebe Buffay: Wow! And hey, it's cool if you're a lesbian! The Salesman: Good afternoon, are you the decision maker of the house? Joey Tribbiani: Uhhhh. The Salesman: Do you ah, currently own a set of encyclopedias? Joey Tribbiani: No! No. But ah, try the classifieds, people sell everything in there. The Salesman: Actually, I'm not buying. I'm selling. Let me ask you one question. Do your friends ever have a conversation and you just nod along even though you're not really sure what they're talking about? Ross Geller: ...I'm telling you it's totally unconstituional. Monica Geller: ...I think he deserves a Nobel Prize. Everyone: Nooo!! Chandler Bing: ...it was like the Algonquin kids table. The Salesman: Excuse me, I'm sorry, you haven't said anything for about two and a half minutes, are you at all interested? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-well-yeah! Yeah-oh-yeah. Come on in. Phoebe Buffay: That's weird. Monica Geller: What? Phoebe Buffay: Your nails. Monica Geller: Oh, I know, I never wear fake ones. I just did it so my Mom wouldn't give me grief about me biting them. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, no, I meant that it's weird that you only have nine now. Monica Geller: Oh my God. Wait a minute, I had them put... Oh my God! It's in the quiche! Oh My God! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, don't panic. I'm gonna go to the store, I'm gonna get you another set of nails, no one's gonna know, and you're gonna look great. Oh! Oh, it's 'cause they're gonna eat-that's the problem. Judy Geller: Honey, don't bite your nails. Monica Geller: Okay ah, please don't freak out. Umm, but ah, there's a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups, and there's no way to know which one. Phoebe Buffay: And! Whoever finds it wins the prize! Judy Geller: I'm not freaking out. Monica Geller: Then why are you laughing? Judy Geller: It's nothing, it's just that now your Father owes me five dollars. Monica Geller: What? You bet I'd lose a nail? Judy Geller: Oh no, don't be silly. I just bet I'd need these. Monica Geller: Frozen lasagnas? Judy Geller: Um-hmm. Monica Geller: You bet that I'd screw up?! So all that stuff about hiring me because I was good was... Judy Geller: No-no-no, that was all true. This was just in case you pulled a Monica. Monica Geller: You promised Dr. Weinburg, you'd never use that phrase. Judy Geller: Oh honey, come on, have a sense of humour, you've never been able to laugh at yourself. Monica Geller: That's right. My Mom doesn't have any faith in me! Oh, that's hilarious! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Phoebe Buffay: I don't get it. Judy Geller: No, I have faith... Monica Geller: No! You have lasagnas! Oven: Ding! Phoebe Buffay: Op, the ruined quiches are ready. Chandler Bing: It just doesn't...feel like we're breaking up. Joanna: No, we are. I'm sad. Chandler Bing: Okay. Joanna: Yes. Uh, can't you wait until tomorrow? All right. Unbelievable!! Chandler Bing: Thanks. Joanna: No, no, that was my boss. I have to go. Chandler Bing: Okay. Joanna: What are you doing? Chandler Bing: I'm getting dressed. Joanna: Why? Chandler Bing: When I walk outside naked people throw garbage at me. Joanna: Wait. I wanna show you something. Chandler Bing: What is it? Joanna: Just a little gag gift somebody gave me. Put your hands together. Chandler Bing: Ah-ha, you're not the boss of me. Yeah, you are! Ooh, saucy. Joanna: I'll be back in ten minutes. Chandler Bing: You are, you're gonna leave me like this? Joanna: Knowing you're here, waiting for me I think it's kinda exciting. Chandler Bing: Okay. But if you don't come back soon, there's pretty much nothing I can do about it! Joanna: Oh. Sophie: Hi! I brought you back a macaroon! Joanna: Oh great! I'll keep it in my butt with your nose. Rachel Green: That's weird, she locked the door. Sophie: Y'know why? She's got the Christmas bonus list in there. I saw her working on it this morning. Rachel Green: Okay, swear you won't tell, but when Mark left he gave me a key to Joanna's office. Do you wanna see the list? Sophie: Yeah! Chandler Bing: Hi! How are you? Chandler Bing: Hello, Joanna...'s office. Joanna: I'm really sorry but I may be a little while longer. Chandler Bing: How little?! Joanna: A couple of hours, I feel awful. Chandler Bing: Look, this isn't funny! You get back here right now! Joanna: I can't!! Chandler Bing: Why not?! Joanna: I'm in my boss's car! Chandler Bing: What?! Joanna: Uh-oh, tunnel. Rachel Green: What?! Chandler Bing: Rachel, could I see you for a moment? Chandler Bing: Okay, here's the situation. The keys to the cuffs are on the back of the door. Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over and unlock me? And on a totally different subject, that is a lovely pantsuit. Rachel Green: You promised you would break up with her! Chandler Bing: I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well! Rachel Green: And the fact that you were jeopardising my career never entered your mind?! Chandler Bing: It did enter my mind! But then something happened that made it, shoot right out. Rachel Green: Y'know what Chandler, you got yourself into those cuffs, you get yourself out of them. Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I can't get myself right out of them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler!! Come on, you have to unlock me, she could be gone for hours, and I'm cold, and Rachel Green: Oh, Chandler!! All right, this is it! You never see Joanna again! Chandler Bing: Never! Rachel Green: You never come into this office again! Chandler Bing: Fine! Rachel Green: You give me back my Walkman! Chandler Bing: I-never borrowed your Walkman. Rachel Green: Well, then I lost it. You buy me one! Chandler Bing: You got it! Here we go! Come on! This is great! Ahhh! Rachel Green: Does it hurt? Chandler Bing: No, I just always see guys doing this when they get handcuffs taken off them. Hello sweet pants! Rachel Green: Wait a minute! What are you gonna tell Joanna? Chandler Bing: About what? Rachel Green: When she sees that you're gone, she's gonna know that I let you out, and that I was in here, and I'm gonna get fired! Chandler Bing: I'll make something up! I'm good at lying, I actually did borrow your Walkman! Rachel Green: No, there's nothing to make up, she's gonna know that I have a key to her office, I've got to get you locked up back the way you were! Chandler Bing: Oh-ho-ho, I don't think so! Chandler Bing: Well, this is much better. The Salesman: So, here's somebody interesting, Joey. What do you know about Van Gogh? Joey Tribbiani: He cut off his ear. The Salesman: And? Joey Tribbiani: I'm out. The Salesman: He painted that. Joey Tribbiani: Wow! That's pretty nice. I thought he cut off his ear 'cause he sucked. What else you got in there? The Salesman: Let's see, ahhh... Where does the Pope live? Joey Tribbiani: In the woods. No wait-wait, that's the joke answer. The Salesman: Actually its, Vatican City. Now ahh, what do you know about vulcanised rubber? Joey Tribbiani: Spock's birth control. The Salesman: You need these books. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Monica Geller: Hi. Phoebe Buffay: This used to be your room? Wow! You must've been in really good shape as a kid. Monica Geller: Ohh, I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I actually thought she could change. Phoebe Buffay: Well, who cares what your Mom thinks? So you pulled a Monica. Monica Geller: Oh good, I'm glad that's catching on. Phoebe Buffay: No but, why does that have to be a bad thing. Just change what it means. Y'know? Go down there and prove your Mother wrong. Finish the job you were hired to do, and we'll call that pulling a Monica. Monica Geller: What? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, umm, if a kid gets straight A's, his parents would say, "Yeah, he pulled a Monica." Y'know? Or a fireman saves a baby, and they go, "Yeah I know, he pulled a Monica." Or someone hits a homerun and the announcer says, "Yeah, that one's outta here." Though some things don't change. Monica Geller: All right, I'll go down there. But, I'm not gonna serve the lasagna. I'm gonna serve something I make. Phoebe Buffay: Wow! My breasts are really strong. Rachel Green: Chandler! Chandler, please, I have to get you locked up back the way you were, I am sooo gonna lose my job, she's very private about her office. Now I know why. Chandler Bing: Hey, look, you're in trouble either way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, she's gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go. Rachel Green: What if I clean your bathroom for a month? Chandler Bing: It still wouldn't be clean. All I want is my freedom. Rachel Green: Foot rubs for a month! Chandler Bing: Freedom! Rachel Green: I'll take all of your photos and put them into photo albums! Chandler Bing: Freedom! I want my freedom! Why won't you here me?! Sophie, help me! Help me!! Rachel Green: Sophie sit!! Rachel Green: No! God, would you just calm down! Chandler Bing: I'm gonna say this for the last time. Would you please just... Joey Tribbiani: Wow! There's a lot I didn't know about vomit. In a minute. The Salesman: So, what do you say, Joey? You get the whole set of encyclopedias for twelve hundred dollars, which works out to just 50 bucks a book! Joey Tribbiani: Twelve hundred dollars? You think I have $1200? I'm home in the middle of the day, and I got patio furniture in my living room. I guess there's a few things you don't get from book learnin'. The Salesman: Well ah, what can you swing? Joey Tribbiani: How about zero down and zero a month for a long, long time? The Salesman: You don't have, anything? Joey Tribbiani: You wanna see what I got? Okay? I've got a baby Tootsie Roll, a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex, a rock, and an army man. Hey! The Salesman: Okay, I-I get the picture. Uh, thanks, for your time. Joey Tribbiani: And a 50. Huh, these must be Chandler's pants. The Salesman: For 50 bucks, you can get one book! What will it be? A? B? C? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I-I think I'm gonna stick with the V, I wanna see how this bad boy turns out. Rachel Green: I ah, will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts. Chandler Bing: No! Rachel Green: I ah... Oh! I'll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning! Chandler Bing: With extra pulp? Rachel Green: Yeah!! Chandler Bing: No! Rachel Green: D'oh!! I've got it! Chandler Bing: You don't have it. Rachel Green: I have so got it. There's gonna be rumours about this, there's no way to stop it. Sophie knows, Monica and Phoebe know. Chandler Bing: How do Monica and Phoebe know? Rachel Green: Oh, I called them. And when they ask me what I saw, I can be very generous or very stingy. Chandler Bing: Go on. Rachel Green: I can make you a legend. I can make you this generation's Milton Berle. Chandler Bing: And Milton Berle has a... Rachel Green: Ohh, not compared to you. Monica Geller: Well? Phoebe Buffay: They're not even touching the lasagna! Monica Geller: Really?! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, they love your casserole. Monica Geller: Yes!! Phoebe Buffay: It's hard to believe that just a little while ago this was nothing but ingredients. Judy Geller: Well, everyone seems to be enjoying your dish. Monica Geller: And you? Judy Geller: I thought it was... quite tasty. Monica Geller: So if everyone liked it, and you liked it, that would make this a success. Which would make you... Judy Geller: A bitch? Monica Geller: Well, I was going for wrong, but we can use your word. Judy Geller: Yes, well I was wrong, and I have to say you really impressed me today. Monica Geller: Wow! Phoebe Buffay: Umm, you might even say that she pulled a Monica. She doesn't know we switched it. Judy Geller: And the next time you cater for me, there will be nothing but ice in the freezer. Monica Geller: That really means a lot. Oh, and Mom, don't bite your nails. Chandler Bing: Hello. Monica Geller: Hello, Chandler. Chandler Bing: I love you. Joey Tribbiani: Wh-what's going on? Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Joey Tribbiani: No he doesn't! Chandler Bing: Two hours, that lasted! Rachel Green: So did you break up with Joanna? Chandler Bing: I think so. Joey Tribbiani: Well, it's good thing you got out when you did, before she blew up like that Vesuvius. Ross Geller: The volcano? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. And speaking of volcanoes, man are they a violent igneous rock formation. Rachel Green: What?! Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, lava spewing, hot ash, of course some are dormant. Monica Geller: Why are you talking about volcanoes all of the sudden? Joey Tribbiani: Well, we can talk about something else. What do you want to talk about? Vivisection? The Vasdeferens? The Vietnam War? Monica Geller: Oh! Did anybody see that-that documentary on the Korean War? Everyone: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Oh God, Korea is such a beautiful country. Ross Geller: With such a sad history. Chandler Bing: Could there be more Kims? Joanna: Who's out there? Rachel Green: It's me! Good morning! Joanna: Rachel, could you come in here for a moment, please? Rachel Green: Yeah, sure. Umm, they didn't have poppy seed bagels, so I... Oh my word! Joanna: I seem to have had a slight office mishap. Could you please get the key off the back of the door for me. Rachel Green: Oh, yeah! Yeah! Joanna: You tell your friend Chandler that we're definately broken up this time. Rachel Green: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! New wallet, huh? Chandler Bing: Yeah, it was time. The old condom ring in the leather just doesn't say 'cool' anymore. Monica Geller: Rachel! Rachel Green: What? Monica Geller: You just put an empty carton back in the fridge! Rachel Green: Oh yeah, I know, but the garbage was full. Monica Geller: Have you ever taken out the trash? Rachel Green: Well, I thought you liked doing it. Monica Geller: Third door on the left. Rachel Green: Right! Rachel Green: Oh! Hey, Mr. Treeger. Mr. Treeger: Hey. Mr. Treeger: What are you doing? Rachel Green: Ummm. Oh! I'm sorry. It's a little old but... Mr. Treeger: No! You're clogging up the chute that I spent a half-hour unclogging! Rachel Green: I'm sorry. I didn't-I don't come in here a lot. Mr. Treeger: Oh yeah, of course you don't! Rachel Green: No. Mr. Treeger: 'Cause you're a little princess! "Daddy, buy me a pizza. Daddy, buy me a candy factory. Daddy, make the cast of Cats sing Happy Birthday to me..." Rachel Green: I didn't... I never said that. Mr. Treeger: You think you could make a mess and the big man in coveralls will come in here and clean it up, huh? Well, why don't think of someone else for a change? Rachel Green: Okay, I'm sorry. Monica Geller: God! If you're gonna cry about it! Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-whoa, Treeger made you cry? Rachel Green: Yes! And he said really mean things that were only partly true. Joey Tribbiani: I'm gonna go down there and teach that guy a lesson. Monica Geller: Joey, please don't do that. I think it's best that we just forget about it. Rachel Green: That's easy for you to say, you weren't almost just killed. Joey Tribbiani: All right that's it, school is in session! Monica Geller: My God! Is this a gym card? Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last 1200 times. Ross Geller: So why don't you quit? Chandler Bing: You don't think I've tried? You think I like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try and confuse you! Then they bring out Maria. Ross Geller: Who is Maria? Chandler Bing: Oh Maria. You can't say no to her, she's like this lycra spandex covered gym...treat. Ross Geller: You need me to go down there with you and hold your hand? Chandler Bing: No! Ross Geller: So you're strong enough to face her on your own? Chandler Bing: Oh no, you'll have to come. Mr. Treeger: Tribbiani! Hold on, I'll get the plunger. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! You hold on pal! Now you made my friend, Rachel, cry. So now, you're gonna go up there and apologize to her, unless you want me to call the landlord. Mr. Treeger: And tell him what? Joey Tribbiani: Have you heard about a little something called, Not Making Girls Cry. Mr. Treeger: Yeah. Well maybe you have heard about the Rent Stabilization Act of 1968! Joey Tribbiani: I have actually not heard of that. Mr. Treeger: Yeah, well your friends are in violation of it. I've been a nice guy up until now, but uh, I don't need this grief. I'm gonna call the landlord and tell him that Monica is illegally subletting here grandmother's apartment. Your friends are outta here pal. Joey Tribbiani: Why don't you tell me something I don't know! Phoebe Buffay: Oh please, somebody tell me I don't have to go to work today! Monica Geller: What's the matter? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, my first massage today is this incredibly gorgeous guy, and every time I see him I just want to do things to him that I'm not allowed to charge for. Monica Geller: So do them for free. Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, it is forbidden! No-no, Mrs. Potter fires people for fooling around with clients. And it's against my oath as a masseuse. Ross Geller: They make you take an oath? Phoebe Buffay: No, I made myself take an oath. Yeah, no fooling around with clients and umm, always be prepared. Yeah, that one's actually from the Boy Scouts, but it just makes good sense. Chandler Bing: Why don't you just give him to somebody else? Phoebe Buffay: No, I can handle it. No, I'm a professional. Rachel Green: Oh Pheebs, is that a new ankle bracelet? Monica Geller: Wow! And you got a petticure. Your feet are all dressed up. Chandler Bing: Because that's the only part of you he can see when he's on the table! Monica Geller: You're gonna do some feet flirtin'! Phoebe Buffay: I don't what your talking about. Ross Geller: Then how do you explain the toe ring?! Phoebe Buffay: Because it's Arabian princess day at work! Okay?! Leave me alone! Rachel Green: Oh! My hero! What happened? Joey Tribbiani: Well uh, I went down there and told him that no one treats my friends like that and that he'd better come up here and apologize. I'll see you later. Monica Geller: What a minute, what did he say? Joey Tribbiani: He said that he wasn't gonna apologize because you guys are living here illegally, so instead what he's gonna do is have you evicted-I'll see you later. Rachel Green: What?! You got us evicted!! Monica Geller: I told you not to go down there! Joey Tribbiani: Well he made Rachel cry! Monica Geller: Rachel always cries! Rachel Green: That's not true! Monica Geller: Now Joey, you go down there and you suck up to him. I mean you suck like you've never sucked before! Joey Tribbiani: All right! I'll try! But if I can't, you can stay with Chandler and I until you get settled. Rachel Green: Go!! Joey Tribbiani: All right, all right, all right. I mean I'll have to check with him first, but I'll think he'll be cool with it. Ross Geller: Whoa-whoa-whoa, hey! Now remember what we talked about, you gotta be strong. Chandler Bing: Yes. Yes! Ross Geller: One more time, "Hey, don't you want a washboard stomach and rock hard pecs?" Chandler Bing: No! I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts! Ross Geller: Good! That's good! Chandler Bing: Okay. I wanna quit the gym. Gym Employee: You wanna quit? Chandler Bing: I wanna quit the gym. Gym Employee: You do realize that you won't have access to our new full service Swedish spa. Chandler Bing: I wanna quit the gym. Gym Employee: Okay, Dave in the membership office, handles quitters. Uh, excuse me, are you a member? Ross Geller: Me? No. Gym Employee: Sorry, members only. Chandler Bing: I wanna quit the gym. Ross Geller: It's okay man, be strong. Gym Employee: So, are you a member of any gym. Ross Geller: No! And I'm not gonna be, so you can save you little speech. Gym Employee: Okay, no problem. Could you come here for a second? Woman: Hi, I'm Maria. Rick Sanoven: Wow, you have really pretty feet. Phoebe Buffay: These old things. Rick Sanoven: Would you mind spending some time on my siadic area, it's been killing me today. Phoebe Buffay: You mean the-Okay by siadic, you mean the towel covered portion. Rick Sanoven: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Sure, yeah, no I can do that, yeah, because umm, y'know, the muscles in the siadic area can get y'know, real nice and tight. So umm, tell me Rick, how umm, how did you injure the area. Rick Sanoven: Oh, a 16-hour sit-in for Greenpeace. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Rick Sanoven: Ow! Did you just bite me? Phoebe Buffay: No! Mr. Treeger: What? Joey Tribbiani: Please don't kick Monica and Rachel out, this wasn't there fault, it was mine. Mr. Treeger: You want me to kick you guys out instead? Joey Tribbiani: No you can't do that, where would the chick and the duck live? Mr. Treeger: You have pets! Joey Tribbiani: Noo-no-no, no, those are nicknames. I'm the chick and Chandler is the duck. Mr. Treeger: Huh, I would've thought it was the other way around. Joey Tribbiani: Come on man, just-just let the girls stay, I'll do whatever you want. Mr. Treeger: Really? You'll do anything? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-yeah, absolutely. Mr. Treeger: Yeah, I've got something you can do. Joey Tribbiani: What, what is it? Mr. Treeger: Can you be my dancing partner? Joey Tribbiani: That's not, prison lingo, is it? Monica Geller: His dancing partner?! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, there's this superintendent's dance, the Super Ball. I don't know, and he wants to impress Marge, this lady super that he's a crush on. Rachel Green: Well, why doesn't he practice with a girl? Joey Tribbiani: Well, he's too shy, he doesn't thing he's good enough to dance with girls yet. Rachel Green: Yeah, right, he almost danced me right down that...garbage chute. Monica Geller: Oh, would you let it go already?! You're fine! Chandler Bing: Hey. Rachel Green: Hey! So, did you quit? Chandler Bing: No, I almost did, couldn't leave Ross there without a spotter! Monica Geller: Wait, now so you joined the gym? Ross Geller: And that's funny, why? Rachel Green: Oh, umm, I was just y'know working out and umm... Oh, that's it. Chandler Bing: We're doomed. Okay, they're gonna take 50 bucks out of our accounts for the rest of our lives. What are we gonna do? Monica Geller: Well, you could actually go to the gym. Ross Geller: Or! Or, we could go to the bank, close our accounts and cut them off at the source. Chandler Bing: You're a genius! Joey Tribbiani: Aww, man, now we won't be bank buddies! Chandler Bing: Now, there's two reasons. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Everyone: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, you guys, remember that cute client I told you about? I bit him. Rachel Green: Where?! Phoebe Buffay: On the touchy. Ross Geller: And that's not against your oath?! Phoebe Buffay: No, I know! I-I'm sorry, but the moment I touch him, I just wanna throw out my old oath and take a new, dirty one. Monica Geller: Well, next time your massaging him, you should try and distract yourself. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Like-like when I'm doing something exciting and I don't wanna get too excited, I just ahh, y'know try to thing of other things like ah sandwiches, and ah baseball, and ah Chandler! Chandler Bing: Thank you, Joey. Joey Tribbiani: No-no, thank you. Joey Tribbiani: All right, I'm here, let's ahh, get this over with. Mr. Treeger: Okay ahh, well, just ahh, follow my lead. Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-whoa, don't we need to do some kinda preparation first? Like ahh, get really drunk? Mr. Treeger: Look come on, eh, just ah, just ah, put your arms around me, eh. Mr. Treeger: Ahhhh! I'm sorry! Joey Tribbiani: No, it's okay, but if I'm Marge, my breasts are coming out my back. Mr. Treeger: Ahh, forget it! I'll never be any good at this, my mom was right, I'm just a big potato with arms, and legs, and a head. Joey Tribbiani: Come on man, you're not a potato. Mr. Treeger: I'm sure as hell a dancer, it's no use Marge will never go for me. Joey Tribbiani: Come on Treeger, don't say that. You just ahh, you just need more practice. Here, come on, let's ahh, let's try it again. Come on. Plus, it was, it was probably mostly my fault, anyway. I mean, y'know, I'm not really that comfortable dancing with a- We-he!! Hey! Mr. Treeger: Yeah! Monica Geller: Hey-hey, how goes the dancing? Gay yet? Joey Tribbiani: Ah-ha-ha, you guys owe me big time. Rachel Green: What was that? Joey Tribbiani: What? Rachel Green: You just did a little dancy thing. Joey Tribbiani: No I didn't. Monica Geller: Yes you did! You did like a little hop. Rachel Green: You are soo enjoying this. Joey Tribbiani: No, I'm not! And it wasn't a hop it was a pademarie. Monica Geller: You know the words! You are so into this! Joey Tribbiani: All right, well maybe I'm enjoying it a little bit. I mean I'm getting pretty good at it. Rachel Green: Ooh, this is soo sweet, Joey our little twinkle-toes. Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey, hold on, this isn't some kind of like girly dance. All right, it's like a sport, it's manly! Monica Geller: All right, then show me some manly moves. Joey Tribbiani: All right. Joey Tribbiani: I don't know how to lead. Ross Geller: Hello. Chandler Bing: Hi. Ross Geller: We'd like to close our accounts. Bank Officer: Close your accounts? Is there some kind of problem? Ross Geller: No-no. Chandler Bing: No, we'd just like to close them. Bank Officer: Okay, Ms. Lambert handles all our closures. Would you come over here please? Ms. Lambert: Hi, I'm Karen. Chandler Bing: I wanna quit the bank! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, baseball. Rick, playing baseball. Okay, slides into second, maybe even his pants come down a little... Oh no-wait no, no! No! Okay, all right, sandwiches, sandwiches. Umm, okay, on a plate, maybe Rick's pants come down a little. No! No! Okay, Chandler! Okay Chandler, ooh, that's working. Phoebe Buffay: Chandler's knees. Chandler's... ankles. Chandler's ankle hair. Oh no. Okay, you're all set. Rick Sanoven: Oh wow! That was amazing, was that really just an hour?! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! In... really long hour world. Rick Sanoven: What? Phoebe Buffay: Ugh, okay, I have an enormous crush on you. But because you're a client, I can't ask you out, even though you give me y'know, the feeling. Rick Sanoven: Wow! I had no idea! But you know, I could always find another masseuse. Phoebe Buffay: Really?! Rick Sanoven: Yeah, really. Phoebe Buffay: What? Rick Sanoven: Suddenly, I very aware that I'm naked. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, quit down. Mrs. Potter: Mr. Simon's been waiting for- Oh my God! Mr. Simon: Why wasn't I offered that? I'd definitely pay more for that. Mrs. Potter: Phoebe, we have rules here, this isn't that kind of place. Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, oh and I know, but this isn't what it looks like, 'cause Rick is my ahh, husband. Mrs. Potter: Oh really? Well, then you'd better tell his other wife, 'cause she called three times asking where he is. Phoebe Buffay: Yes, I will tell her. Monica Geller: So you didn't leave the bank? Ross Geller: No! And somehow, we ended up with a joint checking account. Rachel Green: What are you ever gonna use that for?! Chandler Bing: To pay for the gym. Chandler Bing: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! So I had a great day, Rick and I really hit it off, and we started making out, and then my boss walked in and fired me for being a whore. Joey Tribbiani: What?! Rachel Green: You got fired?! Monica Geller: Oh my Gosh! Phoebe Buffay: It's so weird, I have never been fired from anything before! Rachel Green: Sweety... Phoebe Buffay: I just-I just started walking around not knowing what to do next, y'know? I-I started asking people on the street if they wanted massages. Then these policemen, thought I was a whore too. It's been a really bad day, whore wise. Mr. Treeger: Hey Duck, is Chick here? Chandler Bing: Yeah... Bunny-rabbit. Joey Tribbiani: So you ah, ready for our last practice? Mr. Treeger: Yeah, but y'know, I think the reason we're not getting that spin right is because my apartment's too small. Joey Tribbiani: Look, you wanna use our place? Mr. Treeger: No, I ahh, had another idea. Joey Tribbiani: We did it!! Mr. Treeger: I know, we did it!! Hey, that was incredible, huh?! Joey Tribbiani: I know, it was amazing! I mean, we totally nailed it, it was beautiful. Mr. Treeger: Thank you, listen, thanks a lot Tribbiani, . Oh my God, look at the time, I gotta catch the bus to the ball. Joey Tribbiani: Oh well, okay, good luck. Mr. Treeger: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Unless you wanna practice the Foxtrot again? Or-or the Tango? Mr. Treeger: Ahh, thanks but no. You see I-I think I'm ready to dance with girls. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Mr. Treeger: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Go get 'em Treeger. Mr. Treeger: Right. Hey, ahh, you wanna come? Marge has a girlfriend. Joey Tribbiani: Really? Mr. Treeger: Yeah, you could dance real good with her, she's the same size as me. Joey Tribbiani: No, I'm good. Interviewer: So it looks like you've got some great experience here. Let's see ahh, reason for leaving last job? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, they thought I was a whore. Interviewer: Okay, we'll give a call if anything comes up. Phoebe Buffay: Great! Thank you very much.
Ross Geller: Hello! What's this? Oh right its that girl's phone number. Yeah-yeah, there it is, just a phone number a really hot girl gave me. It's no big deal, I mean it is her home phone number, but... Whoa! Whoa-whoops, I almost lost this baby! Yeah, the lovely Amanda gives me her number and I-I go and drop it. Phoebe Buffay: Thank you. Gunther: Rachel? Rachel Green: Yeah? Gunther: When's your birthday? Rachel Green: May fifth, why? Gunther: Oh, I-I'm just making a list of people's birthdays. Ross Geller: Oh, mine's December... Gunther: Yeah, whatever. Chandler Bing: Ohh, she's pretty. Pretty ahh, pretty girl, the pretty-she's pretty. Monica Geller: Just go up to her and ask her out. Oh, what's the worst thing that could happen? Chandler Bing: I could die. Ross Geller: Yeah, it's-it's tough being single. That's why I'm so glad I found Amanda. Rachel Green: Ross, you guys went out once. You took your kids to Chucky Cheese, and you didn't even kiss her. Chandler Bing: I tell people secrets. It makes them like me. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Chandler Bing: Hey! Monica Geller: Phoebe! You're sick, you shouldn't play. You should just go home, get in bed, and stay there. Phoebe Buffay: But I'm unemployed, my music is all I really have now. Well music, and making my own shoes. Pretty, huh? Chandler Bing: All right, I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna get shot down. Any advice? Monica Geller: Just be yourself. But, not too much. Chandler Bing: Wish me luck. Ross Geller: Good luck! Chandler Bing: Wish it! Hi. Hi, I-I was just sitting over there, and uhh, Chandler. My name is Chandler. Did I say that? Kathy: No, you didn't. Hi, I'm Kathy. Chandler Bing: Uh Kathy, with K or a C? Kathy: With a K. Chandler Bing: Oh-oh-hey! Kathy: Wow! You are really good at this. Chandler Bing: Hey, come on, give me a break, I'm out on a limb here. Kathy: I'm sorry, you're right, I apologize, but I should tell you that I'm waiting for a date. Oh, and there he is now. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Hey, hey-hey, hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I see you guys already met, huh? Chandler Bing: Yes-yes, I was just trying to figure out a way to uh, demonstrate how I could get my exceptionally large feet into my even bigger mouth. Joey Tribbiani: Didn't I tell ya? Always showin' off. Phoebe Buffay: Before I start, I just wanna say that umm, I have a cold, so if I sneeze in the middle of song, it's not on purpose. Oh, except the last verse of Pepper People. Smelly cat, smelly cat. What are they feeding you? This chick sounds good. Smelly cat, smelly- Hey Gunther, be a good little boy and bring me a whiskey. Chandler Bing: Hi! Kathy: Hi. Chandler Bing: Jeez, at 2:30 in the morning, I didn't expect to have to fight over the remote. Kathy: I'm sorry, it's just this Ernie Cofax thing on in a few minutes I wanted to watch. Chandler Bing: Oh my God! That's why I got up too! Kathy: You're kidding! Oh, I love him. Chandler Bing: Hey, listen, I'm sorry about this afternoon, y'know, if I would've known you guys were... I never would've... Kathy: Oh please! Chandler Bing: So ah, Joey tells me you two met in acting class. Kathy: Yeah, they teamed us up as partners. Joey picked three scenes for us to do; all of them had us making out. Chandler Bing: That's a good thing actually, because ah, he used to have me rehearse with him. Kathy: Oh-oh-oh-oh! Chandler Bing: Is it on? Kathy: No, but this wonder broom is amazing! Chandler Bing: Hey! Kathy: Oh my God! Chandler Bing: Oh! It's on! It's on! Chandler Bing: There we go little fella. Kathy: What about the duck? Chandler Bing: Well the duck can swim. Kathy: Oh, jeez. Phoebe Buffay: My sticky shoes, my sticky-sticky shoes, why do you stick on me, ba-a-by! Thanks for the lights honey. Everyone: Way to go, Phoebe! Monica Geller: That cold makes you sound so great. Phoebe Buffay: It's fun, God I love how sexy I am. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, Kath, we should get going. We're going to by hamsters. Everyone: Ooh, that's great, I love those little guys. Kathy: No, no, it's not like that. I, I work for a medical researcher. Rachel Green: Well, have fun! Kathy: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: Well, I think it's great that the medical community is finally trying to help sick hamsters. Monica Geller: Y'know what, I like Kathy. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, me too, she's so cool and pretty. Rachel Green: Yeah, she's... Chandler Bing: She's smart and funny, y'know? We were up all last night talking, she said the funniest thing about-what? Rachel Green: You love her. Chandler Bing: No, I don't. Phoebe Buffay: Yes, you do. Chandler loves Kathy. Ross Geller: Come on, Pheebs lay off him. Chandler Bing: Thank you, Ross. Ross Geller: Yeah, he's a little sensitive right now, `cause he's so in love. Chandler Bing: All right. Everyone: Ohh! Chandler Bing: All right. Monica Geller: Ooh, umm, oh Kathy! Kathy, I love you! Oh! Phoebe Buffay: So, I need to write some depressing stuff to go along with my new floozy voice, but nothing that sad has ever really happened to me. Monica Geller: Oh umm, how about your mom dying, or having to live on the streets when you were 14? Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh. Oh, yeah, I could write about the time my hair did that "Woo-hoo" thing. Ross Geller: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Ross Geller: So I'm going over to Amanda's tonight! Monica Geller: Rachel's not here. Ross Geller: Oh. Monica Geller: How's it going with her? Ross Geller: Great, actually. I'm thinking tonight, maybe the night. Yeah, I mean ah, the kids are gonna play together and then when they're asleep, I'm thinking Amanda and I break open a bottle of wine, and do a little "playing" ourselves. Rachel Green: Hi guys! This is Josh. Josh, these are my friends, and that's Ross. Monica Geller: Hi, Josh. Phoebe Buffay: Hi. Joshua Burgin: Dudes. Monica Geller: So, did you play in college? sweatshirt he's wearing.) Joshua Burgin: Oh, I still do. Next year, I hope to make varsity though. Rachel Green: Ross, didn't you ah, play soccer in High School? Oh no wait, that's right. You just organized their game schedules on your Commodore 64. Joshua Burgin: Well, it's getting late, I've got to get to the game, so I'm gonna... head. Rachel Green: Okay. I'll miss you. Joshua Burgin: Dope! Phoebe Buffay: Wow, cute one! Monica Geller: Very! Rachel Green: I know, isn't he great? It's so nice to finally be in a fun relationship, y'know? There's nothing boring about him, and ah, I bet he's never set foot in a museum. Ross Geller: Well maybe he'll get to go soon, like on a class trip or something. Rachel Green: Y'know what else is really great about him, oh, what is the word for the adult that doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom? Ross Geller: Oh! Rachel Green: What was that? Ross Geller: Monica knows. Monica Geller: It's this dumb thing that Ross made up `cause he was trying to fool our parents. It's a way of giving the finger, without actually having to give it. I remember I cried the night you made it up, `cause it was the first time that I realized that I was actually cooler than my older brother. Ross Geller: Well, I'm gonna go get ready, for my date tonight, so ah, I'll just_ head. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I should go to, `cause I'm playing in one hour. Hey, you guys should come hear me, ooh hear me. Ooh, My sticky shoes-eww! Eww! I lost my sexy phlegm! Amanda (Ross' date): Hi! Ross Geller: Hi! Amanda (Ross' date): Hi Ben! Ross Geller: Wow! You-you look great! Amanda (Ross' date): Thanks! Ross Geller: Okay! Hey Tommy. Amanda (Ross' date): I am so glad that you could come over tonight. Ross Geller: Oh no-no-no, it's my pleasure. Amanda (Ross' date): Okay, well, my cell phone number is right here on the counter, please help yourself to anything in the fridge. Ross Geller: What? Amanda (Ross' date): I appreciate this soo much, I've been trying to go out with this guy for like a month. Ross Geller: I-I-I... Amanda (Ross' date): Oh, I don't mean to be a square, but I'd really appreciate it if you wait and drink your wine after the kids are asleep? Oh uh, thanks for this, I hope I can do the same for you sometime. Ross Geller: Who wants to make some long distance calls? Chandler Bing: Kathy! Kathy! Hi!! Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! Fetch! Fetch it! Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! Kathy. Kathy: Hey, Chandler! What are you doing here? Chandler Bing: Oh, I just wanted to say, "Hey!" Kathy: Hey! Chandler Bing: Okay. Monica Geller: Oh come on! You're making it sound worse than it actually was. Ross Geller: Her date tipped me ten dollars. Ross Geller: Pheebs, what are you doing? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I wanna be sexy again so I'm trying to catch a cold. It should be easy, supposedly they're pretty common. Monica Geller: Phoebe, you'll catch pneumonia. Chandler Bing: Okay. You were right. I'm in love with Joey's girlfriend. Phoebe Buffay: What?! Ross Geller: Are you serious? Phoebe Buffay: Well, how-how-how is that possible? You barely know her! Chandler Bing: I don't know. I can't-I just, I can't get her out of my head. Y'know? I mean, I'm a very bad person. I'm a very, very bad person. I'm a horrible person. No you're not Chandler! We still love you Chandler! Monica Geller: Oh gosh, Phoebe, I think I caught your cold. Phoebe Buffay: You mean you stole it! Don't cover your mouth when you do that! Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Kathy: We were just talking about you. Chandler Bing: Really?! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-yeah, I told her about the time you got drunk and fell asleep with your head in the toilet. Chandler Bing: Right in there! Chandler Bing: 99...100! Ready or not, here I come! All right, let's go over the concept one more time. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey guys. Listen uh, you wanna get some dinner with me and Kathy tonight? Chandler Bing: Ohh, umm, y'know what, I already ate. Joey Tribbiani: It's 4:30. Chandler Bing: Y'know I had a big meal on Monday, y'know. So that's just gonna get me straight through the week. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, I see what's going on here. Chandler Bing: You-you do? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! You don't like Kathy. Chandler Bing: You got me. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you've been avoiding her ever since we started going out. Look, I made an effort to like Janice, now I think it's your turn to make an effort to like Kathy by going out to dinner with us. Right? Chandler Bing: Yeah. Right. Joey Tribbiani: Good, and hey! My treat. But that's only because you're not eating anything, right? Chandler Bing: Okay. Monica Geller: Ross isn't here. Rachel Green: Oh. Stop it! Joshua Burgin: So I'll see you at the party? Beer's beer man, 24, 7!! Rachel Green: Yeah! I am soo gonna marry that guy. Ohhh! Monica Geller: What? Rachel Green: I think he's stealing from me. Monica Geller: Why? Rachel Green: Because he's stealing from me! Phoebe Buffay: Hi! It's me. And soup. Hey, I just saw Josh, he looks so yummy in your leather jacket. Rachel Green: Ughh! Phoebe Buffay: Here, now I don't eat chicken, so it's just noodle soup. And there's no chicken in the broth either, so it's really just... noodle water. Monica Geller: Thank you so much Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: Sure. Monica Geller: What are you doing with those?! Phoebe Buffay: But, I need your germs! I want my cold back! I miss my sexy voice. Monica Geller: Sorry, Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: It's okay. How's the soup? Monica Geller: Umm. Monica Geller: Ohhhh!! Gross!! Kathy: Ohh, God, guys, check it out, you can see that girl's underwear! Joey Tribbiani: Is she great or what? Kathy: So? Huh? What do you think? Chandler Bing: Ohh, she's-she's not really my type. Kathy: Not your type?! She's gorgeous! Chandler Bing: Y'know what I think it is? It's the fishnet stockings. Y'know? Whenever I see a girl in fishnet stockings it reminds me of my father in fishnet stockings. Kathy: Okay. Understanding a little more why you're single. Ohh! Y'know, I have a friend you would like, she's really pretty. And then we could double date! Chandler Bing: Uhh, no-no thanks. Kathy: Okay, I've got some ugly friends, and they're all available too. Chandler Bing: Listen, I-I'm gonna grab a beer. Joey Tribbiani: I'll be right back. What was that? Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: Kathy was being really nice and you just walked away. I thought we had a deal. Chandler Bing: Hey, look, what do you want from me? Joey Tribbiani: I want you to like her! But if that's too damned difficult for you, then the least you can do is pretend. Chandler Bing: I am pretending. Joey Tribbiani: Well then, do it better! Chandler Bing: Okay, what do you saw I go over there and say how much I like her? No-no it'll be good, I can tell her much I've been thinking about her. That I haven't stopped thinking about her since the moment I met her. That I'm so fantastically, over-the-top, wanna-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!! Joey Tribbiani: Well, that's pretty good. But you might wanna tone it down a little. Ross Geller: Hey! So, uhh, Amanda just-just dropped me off. Yeah, that's one of the things I love about her, she's...uh, she's old enough to drive. So uhh, I guess you're not going to mom and dad's tonight? Monica Geller: No, sorry. Rachel Green: Well where's Amanda? Monica Geller: Hey Rach, could you get me some cough drops? Rachel Green: I mean y'know, I'm thinking. You could bring her, and you guys could go up to your old room, and not make out. Monica Geller: Ross, cough drops, please? Ross Geller: At least I know she's not going out with me to get into R rated movies. Rachel Green: Why don't you just marry her? Oh no, wait a minute you can't, I'm sorry I forgot, she's not a lesbian. Ross Geller: You see Amanda and I have a very special... Monica Geller: You have nothing! You're not even going out! You're her baby sitter! You have a 12-year-old girl's job! Rachel Green: Ohh, that is soo sad. Monica Geller: And what are you laughing at, Miss `My-keg-sucking-boyfriend-is-stealing-from-me!' Rachel Green: Hey, so he stole a couple bucks from me! At least he bought me something with it! Monica Geller: That's mine!! Now, would you both please start acting like adults? And get me my cough drops! Ross Geller: Fine. Rachel Green: Sorry. Ross Geller: Here. At least I made ten bucks in my relationship. Rachel Green: Y'know... Phoebe Buffay: Platting goats are platting. Platting down the street. Platting goats are platting, leaving little treats. Does it even work without my sexy voice? Gunther: I like it. Phoebe Buffay: Gunther, kiss me. Gunther: What? Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Now, we're not actually gonna be sleeping in her, but do you mind? Chandler Bing: Can I sleep on your couch? Phoebe Buffay: And I'm still waiting for my paper mache man. Thank you my babies. Gunther: Rachel? Rachel Green: Yeah. Gunther: I don't know if you heard about what happened between me and Phoebe the other day_ Rachel Green: No! Gunther: Well, we kissed. I-I-I didn't initiate the kiss, but-but I also didn't stop it, and I've been feeling guilty. Rachel Green: Okay. Gunther: So umm, are we cool? Rachel Green: Okay. Gunther: I knew you'd understand.
Cheryl: So, thank you for the delicious dinner. Ross Geller: You're welcome for a delicious dinner. Phoebe Buffay: Hey what are you guys looking at? Chandler Bing: Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, come to papa. Ross Geller: I know! Monica Geller: Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the ass on her? Chandler Bing: Where did you, when did you, how did you... How did you get a girl like that? Rachel Green: Yeah, so what is she, like a... like a spokesmodel, or an aerobics instructor, what? Ross Geller: Actually she's a paleontology doctoral candidate, specializing in the centazoic era. Chandler Bing: Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era. Ross Geller: I've seen her at work, but I always figured, ah-huh? But, uh, I made her dinner. We had a great time. And we're going out again tomorrow. Rachel Green: Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek. Ross Geller: Fine by me; hope she wins. Chandler Bing: Hi. You guys have any wrapping paper? Phoebe Buffay: Oo! Is it for my birthday present? Chandler Bing: Phebes, it was your birthday, like, months ago. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but remember you said you ordered something special, and it just hasn't come yet? Chandler Bing: Well, I have a call in about that. Phoebe Buffay: 'Kay. Chandler Bing: Actually, this is for Kathy's birthday. It's an early edition of her favorite book. Rachel Green: Oh, The Velveteen Rabbit! Oh my God, when the boy's love makes the rabbit real! Chandler Bing: Okay, but don't touch it, because you fingers have destructive oils. Rachel Green: Huh. Well, then you'd better keep it away from Ross's hair. So this is pretty rare. How did you get that? Chandler Bing: Oh, it wasn't a big deal. I just went to a couple of bookstores, talked to a couple of dealers... called a couple of the author's grandchildren. Rachel Green: Oh, honey, that's so sweet. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, and what a great way to say, "I secretly love you, roommate's girlfriend!" Chandler Bing: It doesn't say that. Does it? Ross Geller: How do you think it's gonna look when you get her something incredibly meaningful and expensive and her boyfriend Joey gives her an orange? Chandler Bing: Okay, all right, I'll just uh, make sure that uh, Joey gets her something really great. Phoebe Buffay: It's gotta be better than that book. Oo! Like a crossbow! Monica Geller: Yeah, once again, I am sorry. Thank you. Bye. I just had to turn down a job catering a funeral for sixty people. Rachel Green: Oh my God! What happened? Monica Geller: Sixty guests. Ross Geller: So, uh, why did you have to turn it down? Monica Geller: Because I don't have the money or the equipment to handle something that big on such short notice. I mean there's no way. Phoebe Buffay: Wow, what is with all the negativity? You sound like Monican't , not Monican... ...Monica. Look, you know, you have been playing around with this catering thing for over three years. Do you want to be a caterer or not? Monica Geller: I don't know. Phoebe Buffay: There you go, that's the spirit! Okay! Now, if you need money, I will lend you money, but just get moving! Monica Geller: Really? Cause I'd need like $500 for all the food and the supplies and stuff. Phoebe Buffay: Okay! It's worth it, if it will get you moving. You haven't worked in months. Monica Geller: Well, you're not working either. Phoebe Buffay: Yes, but I'm doing this. Monica Geller: Yeah, that'd be great! Thank you! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Everyone: Hey. Kathy: Can I borrow the keys to your apartment? Joey Tribbiani: Why? Joey Tribbiani: You can pee here! Kathy: Ahahaha... haha.. yes I can, of course. Excuse me. Chandler Bing: It's okay, the duck's using our bathroom anyway. Hey Joe! What are you getting Kathy for her birthday? Joey Tribbiani: We've only been going out for a couple of weeks, do you think I gotta get her something? Everyone: Yeah! Rachel Green: Yes, you have to get her something, and it should be something really nice. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I know... Rachel Green: And not one of your coupons for an hour of "Joey Love." Phoebe Buffay: Ooo, a crossword! Can I help? Rachel Green: No! I'm sorry, honey, it's just that last week I got all but three answers and I really want to finish a whole one without any help. Phoebe Buffay: Fine. But you can't help me develop my new universal language. Monica Geller: Hey! Rachel Green: Hey, how'd it go? Monica Geller: Oh my God, it was the best funeral ever! I mean, everyone loved the food, and guess what? I even got another funeral for tomorrow-the dead-guy-from-today's best friend. I mean, it is like I am the official caterer for that accident! Phoebe Buffay: Mon! I'm so happy for you! Monica Geller: Thanks. Like, check out my new catering stuff. Look at this! I'm an omelet station! Omelet? Made to order! Phoebe Buffay: I'll have one, please. Plus my money. Monica Geller: Oh. Well, I didn't realize that you needed it back right away. I mean, you told me to go and be a caterer. So I went. I beed. I mean, I... I used it to buy all this stuff. But look-I've got another job tomorrow, so I'll pay you back with the money I make from that. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Okay. Oo, sorry I acted like a bank. Monica Geller: Okay. Ross Geller: Huh... Cheryl: Um, would you like to come in? Ross Geller: Did homo-erectus hunt with wooden tools? Cheryl: According to recent findings! Cheryl: Here Mitzi! Here Mitzi! Ross Geller: Mitzi is... Cheryl: My hamster. I hope she's okay, I haven't seen her in a while. Have a seat. Ross Geller: Uh... Oh hey, do you, uh ...do you have any, um, Cinnamon Fruit Toasties? Cheryl: What? Ross Geller: Well, I do! Why don't we go back to my place, light a couple of candles, break open a box of Cinnamon Fruit Toasties, uh... Cheryl: I'd rather not. Ross Geller: Oh, yeah, why not? Cheryl: Okay, um, don't take this the wrong way, but your place kinda has a weird smell. Monica Geller: Oh, is everything in the car? Phoebe Buffay: Yes. Did you settle the bill? Monica Geller: No. I hate this part. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, look what we almost left. Monica Geller: No, that's not mine. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, all right. Oh! Look what we almost took! Monica Geller: Excuse me, Mrs. Burkart? Well, we're all cleaned up in the kitchen. Mrs. Burkart: Oh, good. Thank you. Monica Geller: Um, and, well there's the.. the the small matter of... Mrs. Burkart: Dear? Monica Geller: Just the matter of ...payment? Mrs. Burkart: Jack used to handle the finances! Rachel Green: You know what we should all do? Go see a musical. Chandler Bing: Sure... Rachel Green: And you know which one we should see? The 1996 Tony award winner. Do you happen to know the name of that one? Chandler Bing: I don't know... um, Grease? Rachel Green: No... Chandler Bing: Rent? Rachel Green: Yes! Rent! Chandler Bing: Okay, so when do you want to go? Rachel Green: What? Oh, I'm sorry, I can't, I'm busy. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Man, it is so hard to shop for girls. Chandler Bing: Yes, it is, at Office Max. Rachel Green: What did you get her? Chandler Bing: A pen. Joey Tribbiani: It's two gifts in one. It's a pen that's also a clock! Huh? Chandler Bing: Huh-huh! You can't give her that. Joey Tribbiani: Why not? Chandler Bing: Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah! Rachel Green: Okay, honey, what he means by that, is ...while this is a very nice gift, maybe it's just not something a boyfriend gives? Joey Tribbiani: Sure it is! She needs a pen for work, she's writing, she turns it over... "Whoa! It's time for my date with Joey!" Chandler Bing: All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday? Joey Tribbiani: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out. Chandler Bing: For three years? Joey Tribbiani: Look, it's too late, and I got an audition. I can't shop anymore! I... Chandler Bing: All right. I will go out and I will try to find something for her, okay? Joey Tribbiani: Thanks, man. And oh, while you're at it, could you get her a card? Chandler Bing: Would you like me to write her a little poem as well? Joey Tribbiani: Or... just get a card that has a poem already in it. Phoebe Buffay: But Mon, you have to get our money! Monica Geller: Oh, Phoebe, she couldn't stop crying! With those thick glasses, her tears looked giant. Phoebe Buffay: I know, it's tough. You know what the first thing I did after my mother's funeral was? Monica Geller: What? Phoebe Buffay: Pay the caterer! Look, I've had a lot of jobs, okay, and there are some people who just always try to get out of paying. It's either, you know, "that massage wasn't long enough, or, "I don't recognize any of those songs," or, you know, "these sombreros aren't big enough. Bad little white girl!" Monica Geller: Okay. So what do you... you think she's faking? Phoebe Buffay: Well, it seems like there weren't any tears 'til you showed her the bill. Monica Geller: Phoebe, she sounded pretty upset to me. Mrs. Burkart: You're a grand ol' flag, you're a high-flying flag, and forever in peace may you wave... Phoebe Buffay: She seems fine now. Mrs. Burkart: ...emblem of the land I love. The home of... Joey Tribbiani: So, you just left? Her place was really that bad? Ross Geller: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Ross Geller: Well, like that, only instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived! Here. Joey Tribbiani: Wow. Thanks. So, uh, what happened? Ross Geller: What do you mean? Nothing happened! I had to get out of there. Joey Tribbiani: All right, so... next time, you take her to your place. Ross Geller: No, I tried that. She says it has a weird smell. Joey Tribbiani: What kind of smell? Ross Geller: I don't know. Soap? Joey Tribbiani: All right, listen, Ross... you like this girl, right? Ross Geller: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: You wanna see her again, right? Ross Geller: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: So you're gonna have to do it in the mess! Ross Geller: Yeah, okay you're right. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Ross Geller: I mean, uh, who... who cares about a little sloppiness? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Ross Geller: It's, uh... it's endearing, really. Joey Tribbiani: All right! Now you go get that beautiful pig! Oink! Chandler Bing: Okay, all right. I just spent the entire afternoon looking for a present for Kathy that would be better than the rabbit. Rachel Green: Any luck? Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I found this great place called "Invisible things for Kathy." Can you give me a hand with all this stuff? Rachel Green: All right, look. Why don't you just return the book, let Joey give her the clock pen, and you give her something worse than that. Like... a regular pen. Chandler Bing: She's really going to love this, you know? The bottom line is I want her to have it, even if I don't get to be the one who gives it to her. Rachel Green: Aw, honey, that's so sweet. Chandler Bing: Yeah? You don't think it's just pathetic? Rachel Green: Oh! Pathetic! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! I'm meeting Kathy in ten minutes! I've been looking all over for you! Chandler Bing: Where? Joey Tribbiani: Our place, the hall! I... Chandler Bing: I got something for her. It's a book! Joey Tribbiani: A book? Is it like a book that's also a safe? Chandler Bing: No, it's a book that's just a book, okay? It's an early edition of the Velveteen Rabbit. It was her favorite book as a kid. So, uh, just... let me know if she likes it, okay? Joey Tribbiani: You got it. Thanks man. Thanks for doing this, I owe you one. Oh, hey! There wasn't any change from that twenty, was there? Chandler Bing: No, it came out to an even twenty. Joey Tribbiani: Wow. That's almost as much as a new book. Mrs. Burkart: Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers? Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those eyes? Phoebe Buffay: You didn't get the money, did you? Monica Geller: Maybe I can try at intermission? Phoebe, come on... you know what? Let's just go! Phoebe Buffay: No! Hey, we're not leaving until we get paid! I don't know who she thinks she is! Enough is enough! Hey, widow? Mrs. Burkart: Come on along and listen to... Phoebe Buffay: Okay, Widow! Mrs. Burkart: ...the lullabye of... Phoebe Buffay: Excuse me. Excuse me! Thanks. Um, clearly this is a very, very hard time for you. Um, but, um, we provided a service, and we deserve to be paid because you ate that service, and, um, we are not leaving here until we're paid every penny. 'Cause you know what, lady? We're part time caterers, and we have no place else to go. Mrs. Burkart: All right. I'll get my bag. Phoebe Buffay: Good. Monica Geller: I'm gonna leave some cards here. Please think of us for you next event. Cheryl: So you want to come inside? Ross Geller: Yes. Yes I do. Cheryl: I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable. Cheryl: Guess who? Ross Geller: Department of Sanitation? Cheryl: It's me! Ross Geller: Oh! Ah. Aw! Cheryl: What? Ross Geller: Ah, Cheryl! Cheryl: Oh, Ross! Cheryl: Wait! No! No! It's my hamster! It's Mitzi! Ross Geller: Oh my god! I'm so sorry, Cheryl. I must have freaked out. Cheryl: Oh, thank god, it's not Mitzi. It's just a rat. Rachel Green: I did it! Oh! I finished it! I did it all by myself! And there's nobody to hug! Gunther: Move! Rachel Green: Hey! Hey, you guys, I finished the crossword all by myself! Hug me! Phoebe Buffay: Uh... yay! Rachel Green: Thanks! Monica Geller: Oh, that's great! Congratulations! Rachel Green: Thank you! Hey, how'd the catering go? Monica Geller: Oh, it was great! The widow wouldn't pay, so Phoebe yelled at her 'til she did. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. I'm a hard ass. Monica Geller: And I'm a wuss. And we should be partners. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Hard Ass and Wuss. We could fight crime! Monica Geller: Wait a minute, Phoebe! We should be partners. We should be catering partners. I mean, think about it! You're not working right now, and we have such a great time together! Phoebe Buffay: Okay! Monica Geller: I can cook and you can take care of the money. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Oh! It'll be like I have a wife in the fifties! Both: Aah! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey, how'd it go? How'd she like the gift? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, man, she loved it! She's over there showing Monica and Rachel right now. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah? That's great! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, listen, I gotta tell ya, I feel kinda bad taking credit for this, because man, am I gonna get a lot of credit for this! Chandler Bing: Aahhuuhhh... Kathy: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Happy birthday. Kathy: Thank you! Joey Tribbiani: You know, uh... Chandler got you a gift, too. Chandler Bing: No he didn't. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, he did, look... look, it's right there on the counter! Ha-ho-ho! Chandler Bing: Happy birthday! I'm sorry. Kathy: You really didn't have to. Wow. Chandler Bing: See, you think it's just a pen, but then you turn it over and it's also a clock. Kathy: Yeah. No, this is great. Thank you, Chandler. . Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah... yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Ah. Hm. Wanna go to bed? Kathy: I'll be in in a minute. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, uh... don't forget your coupon. . Chandler Bing: Goodnight. Kathy: Um, thank you for the gift. Chandler Bing: Oh, uh, yeah... I just knew that sometimes when you're writing, you... you don't always know the exact time. Kathy: No, I... I didn't mean the pen. Thank you for the book. Chandler Bing: Uh, the book? Kathy: The Velveteen Rabbit. I kinda have the feeling you had something to do with it. Chandler Bing: What do you mean? Kathy: Well, uh, when Joey gave it to me, he said, "This is 'cause I know ya like Rabbits, and I know ya like cheese." Thanks. I love it. And I know how hard it must have been for you to find. Chandler Bing: Uhl..ell. By the way, in case you missed that, that sound was, "Uhl, ell." Kathy: You must really like... Joey... to go to all that trouble for him. Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah, he's my... he's my best friend. Kathy: Well... Chandler Bing: Goodnight. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, that coupon expires, you know. Monica Geller: Hi. Uh, you... you don't know me, I'm Monica Geller... Ross's sister. Cheryl: Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, that's too bad that didn't work out. Monica Geller: Yeah. Anyway, he told me about your apartment. And, um, I couldn't sleep, thinking about it. So, uh, would it be okay if I cleaned it? Monica Geller: No?
Chandler Bing: I just walked in the bathroom and saw Kathy naked! It was like torture! Ross Geller: Y'know if we ever go to war and you're captured, you're in for a big surprise. Chandler Bing: It just keeps getting worse and worse! Y'know? I mean it's bad enough that I'm in love with my roommates girlfriend-which by the way, I think she knows. Because every time we're in the room together there's this weird like energy between us. And call me crazy, but I think she likes me too. And now I have seen her naked. I mean at least when I've seen her with clothes on, I could imagine her body was like covered in boles or something. But there are no boles, she's smooth! Smooth! Phoebe Buffay: Wow! Could everyone totally see up his robe? Everyone: Yeah! Oh my God! Casey: Here you go. Joey Tribbiani: Great! All right, so I'll call you later. Casey: Great! Chandler Bing: Hey-Hey-Hey! Who was that? Joey Tribbiani: That would be Casey. We're going out tonight. Chandler Bing: Goin' out, huh? Wow! Wow! So things didn't work out with Kathy, huh? Bummer. Joey Tribbiani: No, things are fine with Kathy. I'm having a late dinner with her tonight, right after my early dinner with Casey. Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-yeah. And the craziest thing is that I just ate a whole pizza by myself! Chandler Bing: Wait! You're going out with Kathy! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Why are you getting so upset? Chandler Bing: Well, I'm upset-for you. I mean, having sex with an endless line of beautiful women must be very unfulfilling for you. Joey Tribbiani: What is the big deal? It's not like we're exclusive. Chandler Bing: Look, Joey, Kathy is clearly not fulfilling your emotional needs. But Casey, I mean granted I only saw the back of her head, but I got this sense that she's-she's smart, and funny, and gets you. Joey Tribbiani: You got all that from the back of her head? Chandler Bing: All right look, I think it's time for you to settle down. Y'know? Make a choice, pick a lane. Joey Tribbiani: Who's Elaine? Phoebe Buffay: "Little, tiny Tarzan, swinging on a nose hair. Swinging with the greatest of ease..." Darn it! Now, I don't know who to get to the next verse. Ross Geller: Oh, you could just go uh, "greatest of ease... BAH-bah-bha-bhannn." Then go right into it. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, ooh, I like that! Yeah. Wait! How do you know about 'bah-bah-bha-bhan?' Ross Geller: Well umm, y'know, I used to play. Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, that's right, the keyboards, huh? Ross Geller: Yeah, just a little in high school, but then I really got into it in college. I mean that's-that's when I really found my sound. Monica Geller: Oh God! Orange juice just came out of my nose, but it was totally worth it. Oh my God, I completely forgot about your sound. Ross Geller: Yeah. Monica Geller: He used to lock himself in the basement for hours. No one was every allowed to hear, "The Sound." Phoebe Buffay: I wanna hear "The Sound." Ross Geller: Really? No. I mean, nah, I haven't played in so long, and-and, well it's-it's really personal stuff, y'know? Phoebe Buffay: Come on, play that funky music white boy. Monica Geller: Yeah! Ross Geller: No, you guys, I mean my keyboards are all the way up in-No, yeah, okay. Ross Geller: Okay, guys. Chandler Bing: All right! Bring it on, you... Ross Geller: Here we go. Y'know, I've-I've never played my stuff for anyone before, so it's important that-that you understand it's about communicating very private emotions. Y'know, umm, you should-you should think of umm, my work as wordless sound poems. That's what I'm... Chandler Bing: Oh my God! Play! Monica Geller: Boy, that was-that was, umm... terrific. Chandler Bing: Really, bitchin'! Phoebe Buffay: Wow, it was so-wow! Ross Geller: Really?! I mean, really?!! Rachel Green: Yeah, I mean, you should play in public! Ross Geller: Wow! Thanks, you guys. That's uh-ohhh, I wanna, I wanna play you another piece! Umm! Uh-oh! I left my uh, helicopter sounds on another disk. I'll be right back! Okay? This is so nice, I'm-I am so... Monica Geller: Oh God bless my dad sound proofing the basement! Rachel Green: Oh, I can't believe I ever let him touch me with those fingers. Phoebe Buffay: What are you guys talking about, I loved it! It was soo moving. Oh, plus it's just, it's so different from the stuff you usually hear. Chandler Bing: You mean like, music? Chandler Bing: Yeah, I know what you're thinkin'! Yes, yes, your breasts are just as firm and juicy. Chandler Bing: Come in! Kathy: Hey! Oh God, is that Baywatch? Chandler Bing: Uh yes, but uh, I just watch it for the articles. Kathy: So is Joey around? Chandler Bing: No-no, he's not back yet, but he'll be here any minute. So uh, come on in. Have a seat. Bow or stern? Kathy: I uh, don't really have a preference. You? Chandler Bing: I like it in the stern. ...of the boat. Hello. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, it's me. Listen Casey and I were on our way back and had a little car trouble. Chandler Bing: What happened? Joey Tribbiani: We broke down on the Parkway, so I have to walk back and get some transmission fluid. And hey, listen could you please tell Kathy that I'll be there as soon as I can. Chandler Bing: Why can't you tell her? Joey Tribbiani: 'Cause I only have one quarter, and I think my time is about to- Chandler Bing: Joey! Joey!! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah? Chandler Bing: I thought your time ran out. Joey Tribbiani: Me too, but I guess I do have a couple of more- Chandler Bing: Uhh, that was Joey. He's running a little late, he says he's sorry. Kathy: Oh. Chandler Bing: So I guess it's just uh, you and me then. Kathy: Oh, okay. Chandler Bing: Yeah, I think it is! Kathy: So what did you do today? Chandler Bing: Oh, I had an appointment to get my haircut... Kathy: Oh, it looks great! Chandler Bing: ...and then it got canceled. Kathy: Well, I could cut it. Chandler Bing: Really?! You do that? Kathy: Yeah, I do. Of course, I learned at my aunt's dog grooming shop, but hey, what do you say? Chandler Bing: Dog grooming huh? Okay, just don't make my tail too poofy. Kathy: You have really great hair. Chandler Bing: Well, thanks. I grow it myself. Y'know who also has great hair is Joey! Kathy: Yes! Yeah! Joey has great hair! Umm, I'm basically done here. Just let me get this off your neck. Chandler Bing: What-what 'cha doin'? Kathy: Checking to see if it's even. Chandler Bing: 'Kay. Kathy: Looks good. Chandler Bing: Oh the phone! The phone's making sounds! Hello! Joey Tribbiani: Hey dude, it's me. Chandler Bing: Hey it's Joey! Joey Tribbiani: Listen uh, I'm really sorry, it looks like I'm gonna be stuck here for a while. I got the transmission fluid, but when I went to put it in the car, the transmission wasn't there! Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, it must've fallen out a few blocks back. I just figured we hit a dog. Chandler Bing: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: Listen uh, could you put Kathy on, I wanna apologize. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah man. Joey. Kathy: Hey. Oh no it's fine, don't worry about it. Yeah-no, stop apologizing, it's okay. Yeah! I'll talk to you tomorrow. I should uh, probably go. Chandler Bing: Yeah. Yes! Yeah. Kathy: I forgot my purse. Chandler Bing: Oh. Kathy: No, I really did forget my purse. Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no, this is bad! It's bad! This is bad! Kathy: Horrible! Chandler Bing: Wait the uh, the kiss or the situation? Kathy: No-no-no, the kiss was good. Chandler Bing: Okay! Kathy: No, but that's bad! Chandler Bing: Ooh! Yes! Okay! Here's what we do, we-we forget it happened. Kathy: What?! Chandler Bing: Okay, we-we swallow our feelings. Even if it means we're unhappy forever. Sound good? Kathy: Can you really do that? Chandler Bing: I have to; he's my best friend, and you're seeing him. Kathy: Chandler, I like Joey a lot, but with you... Chandler Bing: Oh-no-no-no! Don't! Don't! See-see, you're getting me confused, I'm starting to urn. Kathy: I'm sorry. If you wanna pretend that nothing happened, I can try. Chandler Bing: I-I think we have too. Kathy: Okay. Bye. Chandler Bing: Bye. Are you still out there? Kathy: No. Ross Geller: Electrifying. Emphatic time-time-time... Monica Geller: Y'know, there's a Starbucks about three blocks down. Phoebe Buffay: It's so inspired! Look at him! Look at him go! Ross Geller: Thank you guys-guys-guys... Monica Geller: Hey, aren't you up next? Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, I'm not playing tonight. Rachel Green: Why not? Phoebe Buffay: I can't follow Ross! It'd be like those bicycle ridding chimps that followed The Beetles. No. Monica Geller: Phoebe, Ross sucks! Rachel Green: Phoebe, the place has emptied because of him. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, he's not even appreciated in his own time. I would give anything to not be appreciated in my own time! Monica Geller: Okay. Umm, Phoebe, you suck too. Rachel Green: Yeah, Phoebe you're... awful! Phoebe Buffay: You guys. You suck too. Joey Tribbiani: Aww man! I can't believe I locked myself out again! Chandler Bing: Hang on buddy! Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God! What happened here? Did you do all this? Chandler Bing: I sure did. Joey Tribbiani: Why? Chandler Bing: Well, I just thought it'd make me feel good to do something nice for my friend. Joey Tribbiani: Well, you're amazing. Chandler Bing: Oh no-no-no. This is amazing. Joey Tribbiani: A TV as if it appears from nowhere! That's the dream! Man, how did you afford this stuff? Chandler Bing: Well, y'know I'm 29. I mean who needs a savings account. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you are the best friends anyone has ever had. Chandler Bing: Oh, I don't know. Joey Tribbiani: Oh-no-no-no, you are! You do this, you give me the great advice, and hey listen, I was thinking about what you said yesterday about focusing on one woman, I'm gonna do that. Chandler Bing: You mean with Casey. Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no, I think I'm gonna see how things go with Kathy. She's pretty cool. Chandler Bing: Or Casey. Joey Tribbiani: No-no, Kathy. Chandler Bing: Could be Casey. Joey Tribbiani: No. No, Kathy. Chandler Bing: Consider Casey. Joey Tribbiani: Y'know what I think? I think somebody's got a little crush on Casey. How 'bout I fix you two up? What do you think? Chandler Bing: That all the pieces of my life are falling right into place! Ross Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! You were really great! You were really, really great! Ross Geller: Oh, thanks, thanks. So Monica tells me that uh, you don't want to play anymore because me and y'know my talent. Is that true? Phoebe Buffay: Well, kinda. Yeah. Yeah. Ross Geller: Pheebs... Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I-I can't-I mean y'know I was trying to be really y'know okay and upbeat about it, I just-I feel so dwarfed by your musical gift. I... Ross Geller: See but, Pheebs that-that is the exact opposite intent of my music. Y'know my music is-is meant to inspire, and if it bothers you this much, then I... I won't play anymore. Phoebe Buffay: Oh no. No-no-no, don't do that! How could I live with myself if I knew I was depriving the world of your music. Ross Geller: Yeah, okay. Ross Geller: Hey Chandler! Saw the new furniture. Very nice. Monica Geller: Yeah! Joey has the best boyfriend ever! Chandler Bing: I kissed Kathy. Ross Geller: What? Monica Geller: Are you serious? Phoebe Buffay: Does Joey know? Chandler Bing: No. Is there anyway, anyway you think he'll understand this? Monica Geller: You obviously haven't screwed over a lot of your friends. Which we all appreciate. Ross Geller: No the-the sad thing is, if you had told him how you felt before you kissed her, knowing Joey, he probably just would've just stepped aside. Chandler Bing: Oh, don't say that! Don't say that. That's not true. Is it? Phoebe Buffay: I think maybe, yeah. Monica Geller: He loves you. Chandler Bing: Then why didn't you tell me to do that?!! Ross Geller: Well, I said-I said something to Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! No, that's right. And I thought it was a really good idea. Rachel Green: I know, I remember that! Monica Geller: I remember you did. Chandler Bing: God!! What am I gonna do?! Rachel Green: Well, Chandler, you're gonna have to tell him. Chandler Bing: Why?! Why do I have to tell him?! Rachel Green: Because you do. Chandler Bing: Yeah, I know. Ross Geller: Hey, would it be okay if I wrote a song about this. Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Samboucha Margarita? Chandler Bing: Is that a real thing? Joey Tribbiani: Well, we only had samboucha, so it is now. Chandler Bing: Listen ah, Joe, I-I need to, I need to talk to you about something. Joey Tribbiani: What's up? Chandler Bing: It's-it's about Kathy. Umm, uh, I like her. I like her a lot actually. Joey Tribbiani: You do? Chandler Bing: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Well, you're timing couldn't be better. She's not my girlfriend anymore. Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, she broke up with me. Chandler Bing: Oh uh, when? Joey Tribbiani: Just now, after acting class. At first I thought she was doing some kind of scene, that's why I let people watch. Chandler Bing: Oh man, I am so sorry. Are, are you okay? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I've been better. But, I'm all right. So you like her huh? Chandler Bing: Yes, but I-I uh, don't have too. Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no, no it's uh, it's okay. Chandler Bing: Yeah? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. You know why? 'Cause you came to me first. Chandler Bing: Well, I thought that would be the best thing to do. Joey Tribbiani: But hey, listen just so you know, you might have you're work cut out for you. 'Cause when I talked to her, I kinda got the feeling that she's into some other guy. So... Chandler Bing: See uh, that's-that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I-I think I know who the other guy is. Joey Tribbiani: Who? Chandler Bing: It's me. I'm the other guy. Joey Tribbiani: What? Chandler Bing: Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and... Joey Tribbiani: And what?! Did you sleep with her?! Chandler Bing: No! No! No! I just kissed her. Joey Tribbiani: What?!! That's even worse!! Chandler Bing: How is that worse?! Joey Tribbiani: I don't know! But it's the same! Chandler Bing: Look, I'm sorry! But there's nothing I can do, I think I'm in love with her! Joey Tribbiani: Who cares?! You went behind my back! I would never do that to you! Chandler Bing: You're right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line. Joey Tribbiani: Over the line?! You-you're-you're so far past the line, that you-you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you! Chandler Bing: Yes. Yes! Right! And I feel horrible. You have to believe me! Joey Tribbiani: Is that why you bought all this stuff?! Well, y'know what I will not watch your TV, I will not listen to your stereo, and there's a cinnamon raisin loaf in the new bread maker that I'm not gonna eat! You know why?! Chandler Bing: Probably because... Joey Tribbiani: Because it's all tainted with your betrayal. From now on this apartment is empty for me! And I'm not happy about you either. Oh, and just so you know, I made that bread for you. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, he's lost it. He's totally lost it. Monica Geller: What? Rachel Green: Phoebe, his music could not get any worse. There are rats in the basement that are hanging themselves. Ross Geller: Thank you, thanks. Yeah, I lost it. Y'know, I'm not gonna play anymore, would you, can you finish my set? Phoebe Buffay: After that? Yeah! No, I mean if I can help. Ross Geller: Yeah, like I could lose it. Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: I played bad on purpose guys. Monica Geller: Okay, so you were trying to play bad this whole time. Ross Geller: Yeah-no, just that last song.
Joey Tribbiani: Hello. Chandler Bing: Hey, it's me. I know you can't stand to be in the same room as me, so I just thought I'd try and apologize over the phone. All I... Joey Tribbiani: Hello. Chandler Bing: Look I never should have kissed your girlfriend, but I'm... Joey Tribbiani: Stop callin'!! Voice: Hey! Hey! Hey! This is 92.3, WXRK, K-Rock for our $1,000 daily challenge. Joey Tribbiani: All right! Voice: What is the name of your roommate who is very, very sorry and would do anything... Chandler Bing: Aww, turkey! Aww, giving thanks! Aww! Phoebe Buffay: Look everyone, it's the spirit of Thanksgiving! Rachel Green: So are things with you and Joey any better? Chandler Bing: They couldn't be worse. I spent eight hours calling him last night, just trying to get him to talk to me. Rachel Green: Oh wow, eight hours? So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets huh? Ross Geller: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office? Rachel Green: You shouldn't. Phoebe Buffay: Speaking of Christmas, umm since Monica and I are starting a new business and have like no money, umm, this year maybe we could do secret Santa, and then we each only buy one gift. And-and there's the added mystery of who gets who. Ross Geller: Who gets whom. I don't know why I do that. Rachel Green: Well, I'm gonna take a nap, turkey makes me sleepy. Monica Geller: We haven't eaten yet! Rachel Green: I know, but all that work you're doing to get it ready, I just... Chandler Bing: Hey, by any chance did either of pick uh Rachel for your secret Santa, 'cause I wanna trade for her. Phoebe Buffay: I picked her! Oh thank God you want her! Ooh! Chandler Bing: Wow! Why do you want to get rid of her so badly? Phoebe Buffay: Because she exchanges every gift she ever gets, it's like impossible to get her something she likes. Come on, let's trade! Chandler Bing: Oh that's not true! That's not true! I got her that backpack and she loved it! I remember how much she was crying the day when that big dog ran off with it... Oh, there was no big dog. All right this sucks! I already got her this briefcase, and I had R.G. put on it... Her initials... Phoebe Buffay: Ohh. Monica Geller: Well, maybe you could give to somebody else. Ooh, like Ross Geller. Chandler Bing: Op, y'know what though, it's kind've a girlie briefcase. Monica Geller: Who cares? He works in a museum! Chandler Bing: Hey, what time is it? The big game is about to start! Phoebe Buffay: You don't have to do that, Ross and Joey aren't here, you can watch the parade if you want. Chandler Bing: Thanks. Monica Geller: What is wrong with this freezer?! Ow! Ow!! Phoebe Buffay: God, what happened?! Monica Geller: Oh my God, ice just got in my eye! Rachel Green: People are trying to sleep in here! Chandler Bing: Monica got ice in her eye, and it hurts. Phoebe Buffay: Open it up, let me see. Monica Geller: Oh, y'know what, I can't, it really kills. Chandler Bing: Well maybe you should put some ice on it. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, God it looks bad. Rachel Green: Honey, maybe we should take you to a doctor. Monica Geller: No, my eye doctor is Richard! I can't go to him when I don't have a boyfriend! Chandler Bing: He's really picky about his patients. Phoebe Buffay: Honey, you've got to go. What's his office number? Monica Geller: Like I remember his office number! Speed dial 7. Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Yeah, I'm calling on behalf of Monica Geller's eye, and is um, is Richard Burke in today. He's out of town, but does she want to see the on-call doctor? Monica Geller: Yes!! Phoebe Buffay: Yes! She's very excited about that. Phoebe Buffay: This is so cool, 'til Monica gets back, it's like I'm head chef and I get to make all the decisions. Ross Geller: Hey-hey, I thought she told you to follow the recipe exactly! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, get out of my kitchen! Chandler Bing: All right! Okay! I think I am making some progress with Joey, when I went into the apartment he went straight into his bedroom but he only slammed the door once! I mean yeah, he gave me the finger while doing it. Phoebe Buffay: All right I... I gotta call my mom and ask her a left handed cooking question. Ross Geller: So listen ah, I picked Monica for secret Santa, but I'm already getting her something for Chanukah, I was wondering if you wanna switch. Chandler Bing: Oh y'know what, I was already trying to trade for ah, well, you. Ross Geller: Really?! Wow! That's-that's so nice, what are you gonna get me? Chandler Bing: I don't know R.G., I was thinking something girlie for your office. Ross Geller: Yeah, well maybe Phoebe will switch with me. Chandler Bing: Oh no-no-no, you don't want to do that, then you're gonna get stuck with Rachel and she exchanges every gift she ever gets. Ross Geller: Oh, that's not true! I've got her lots of stuff she never took back. Chandler Bing: Like? Ross Geller: Like uh, that gold necklace I got her last year. Chandler Bing: When was the last time you saw her wear it? Ross Geller: Well, she wore it all Christmas day, and then uh... Chandler Bing: Big dog? Ross Geller: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Ross Geller: What are you doing? Joey Tribbiani: I'm sending back all this stuff that Chandler bought out of guilt. Ross Geller: Everything? Even the TV? Joey Tribbiani: No! I'm putting that in my room. Ross Geller: Listen, Joey, I know what he did was wrong but don't you think you could at least hear the guy out? Joey Tribbiani: Back when you and Rachel were together, if Chandler had kissed her, would you hear him out? Ross Geller: That's a good point. So uh, how long are you gonna punish him? Joey Tribbiani: Five years. Ross Geller: You've sentenced him?! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. Ross Geller: Joey, the guy's your best friend. Joey Tribbiani: No, was my best friend. Anyway, I don't know why you're pushing for him so hard. With him out of the way as my best friend, there's a spot open. Ross Geller: Oh, who? Me? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Ross Geller: Wow! I'm honored! And y'know what I'm gonna do as my first act as your best friend? Joey Tribbiani: What? Ross Geller: I'm gonna get you to talk to Chandler. Joey Tribbiani: All right. But if you weren't my best friend. Kathy: Oh my God, is it really that bad? Chandler Bing: I walk into a room and he won't even talk to me, he just mumbles something in Italian. And I know he only knows the bad words. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Gunther, have you uh, have you seen Chandler? Gunther: I thought you were Chandler. But umm, one of who is over there. Kathy: Oh. Chandler Bing: Hey Joe. Joey Tribbiani: Doctor: I'll be right with you. Okay? Thanks, Wendy. Monica Geller: Oh my God! How cute is the on-call doctor? Rachel Green: Ooh, so cute, that I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye. Nurse: Dr. Burke will see you know. Monica Geller: Oh no-no-no, not Dr. Burke. Dr. Burke is out of town. The-the on-call doctor will see me now. Nurse: Dr. Richard Burke is out of town. Dr. Timothy Burke, his son, will see you now. Timothy Burke: Ready? Chandler Bing: Hey! I'm sorry! That- where are you going? Joey Tribbiani: My folks. Chandler Bing: Oh, uh, when-when are you coming back? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. I might stay there for a few days while I look for an apartment. Chandler Bing: What?! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, y'know at first I thought we could talk about this y'know, work it out, but uh, seeing you two together I don't think I... Chandler Bing: Hey, look, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I'll stop seeing her? Joey Tribbiani: Look, it's not about her. Okay? But seeing you two together just reminds me of what you did. And I don't want to live with some one who doesn't know what it is to be a friend. So, I'll see ya. Chandler Bing: Hey, look, I know what it is to be a friend, I just-I just screwed up! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! You did! And that's why I'm leaving. Chandler Bing: All right look, if you're not gonna stay for me, then at least stay for them! Okay, they have had a very difficult year! What with the robbery and all! Joey Tribbiani: When that guy was robbing us, and I was locked in the entertainment unit for like six hours, you know what I was doing in there all that time? I was thinking about how I let you down! Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! But if would've know what kind of friend you were gonna turn out to be, I wouldn't have worried about it so much! See you around! Chandler Bing: All right, wait! Come on! Just wait one second! There has to be something that I can do! Something! If we still had that entertainment unit I would get in it for six hours and think about how I let you down. What? Joey Tribbiani: We've got a box. Timothy Burke: Last time I saw you, it was the morning I left for college. And you were just standing outside The Dairy Queen. Monica Geller: I was probably waiting for it to open. Timothy Burke: I gotta tell you, you look great now. Monica Geller: You look great too. Timothy Burke: You're an excellent patient! Monica Geller: So how does it look? Timothy Burke: Well, you've got a little scratch on your cornea, your gonna have to wear a patch for a couple of days. Monica Geller: Like a pirate?! Timothy Burke: If that helps you. Monica Geller: Umm, so how long have you been working with your dad? Come on, one of us had to mention him. Timothy Burke: I moved back here a couple of months ago. Monica Geller: Oh. Big family dinner tonight? Timothy Burke: Uh. Monica Geller: No way! Timothy Burke: I was gonna have Thanksgiving at my girlfriend's. Monica Geller: Oh. Timothy Burke: But we broke up. Monica Geller: Oh. Timothy Burke: She-she wasn't ready for a serious commitment. Monica Geller: Oh. So you made her walk the plank? Aye, matie? Timothy Burke: You're not wearing the patch yet. Monica Geller: I know. Ross Geller: He's coming here for Thanksgiving! Rachel Green: I know, it's sick. Monica Geller: Why is it sick? Rachel Green: Because it's Richard's son! It's like inviting Greek tragedy over for dinner! Monica Geller: Hey, come on, Phoebe, you understand don't you? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I can see where I'd be your best shot but, no. I'm sorry, but I think it's twisted. Ross Geller: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: What's twisted? Monica Geller: Me going out with Richard's son. Joey Tribbiani: Ewwwww!! Ew! Ew! Ew! Chandler Bing: Sounds like a really bad idea to me. Rachel Green: Is he okay in there? Joey Tribbiani: He's fine! Ross Geller: Hey, y'know, Mon, if things wrong out between you and Richard's son, you'd be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather. Monica Geller: Fine! Judge all you want to but, married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, fell in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire, livin' in a box!! Rachel Green: So now, what exactly is the point of the box? Joey Tribbiani: Chandler? Chandler Bing: The meaning of the box is three fold. One , it gives me the time to think about what I did. Two , it proves how much I care about my friendship with Joey. And three , it hurts! Ross Geller: Oh hey! Hey uh, you remember the necklace I gave you last year? Can I see it? Rachel Green: Why? Ross Geller: I just wanna check something. Rachel Green: Okay. Ross Geller: Now, we'll see. Chandler Bing: Air hole! Air hole!! Rachel Green: Here it is! I love it. I wear it all the time. Ross Geller: The necklace I got you was gold, this one is silver. Rachel Green: Huh, well maybe it uh, it changed. Ross Geller: Oh my God! You actually exchanged it! Rachel Green: Well isn't it better that I exchanged it for something that I enjoy and that I can get a lot of use out of? Ross Geller: What did you get? Rachel Green: Credit. Monica Geller: I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! Hi, Tim. Timothy Burke: Hi. Monica Geller: Thank you. Come meet my friends. This is uh, Phoebe. Timothy Burke: Hi, nice to meet you. Monica Geller: And Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Timothy Burke: Hi, Joey. Monica Geller: My brother, Ross. Ross Geller: Hey. Monica Geller: And Rachel. And that's Chandler. Chandler Bing: How do ya do. Timothy Burke: What's... Monica Geller: Umm, well, he's... Joey Tribbiani: He's doin' some thinkin'! Chandler Bing: What happened? What happened?! Joey Tribbiani: You kissed my girlfriend! Rachel Green: Ooh, I like those sunglasses. Ross Geller: Like 'em, like 'em? Or, I'd like to get store credit for that amount like 'em? Rachel Green: Monica Geller: All right everybody, this turkey is ready! Timothy Burke: Where can I wash up? Monica Geller: Here, let me show you. Okay, the towels are hanging next to the sink, and umm, you can use the fancy soap. Timothy Burke: Thank you. Rachel Green: Fancy soap? I thought we were savin' that for the Pope! Monica Geller: See he's nice. Right? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but Monica, do you actually want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase, "That's not how your dad used to do it." Timothy Burke: Wow! Everything looks great! Where should I sit? Monica Geller: I saved you a seat. Rachel Green: Sick-sick-sick-sick. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'll get it. Chandler Bing: Gotcha! Joey Tribbiani: That doesn't sound like thinking to me! Chandler Bing: Sorry! Joey Tribbiani: Y'know I don't think you should be talking at all in there! I think you've got to much thinking to do to be talking and making jokes! Chandler Bing: Okay, okay, you got it! Rachel Green: Ross, can you pass me the yams? Ross Geller: Sure! Oh, and Joey's got the mashed potatoes if you want to exchange them. Rachel Green: Would you stop?! What is the matter with you?! Monica Geller: Oh-ho-ho, we've got company. Ross Geller: There's nothing the matter with me. See, I'm not completely devoid of sentiment, see I have feelings. Rachel Green: Okay, fine. Chandler Bing: You can't tell, but I'm trying to break the tension by mooning you guys! Joey Tribbiani: All right, look! If this is just a big joke to you, then forget about it, all right?! This means something to me! And if it doesn't mean anything to you, then you should get out of there, otherwise you're just an idiot in a box! Chandler Bing: You're right, and I'm sorry! This means a lot to me! I want you to be my friend again! I swear, I won't say another word tonight. Joey Tribbiani: So are you gonna start taking this thing seriously? Chandler Bing: Absolutely! Joey Tribbiani: That sounds like another word to me! Are you gonna take this seriously? Okay. Rachel Green: Don't say that I have no sentiment! This is a movie stub from our first date! This is an eggshell from the first time you made me breakfast in bed! This is from the museum from the first time we... were together. Okay, maybe I exchange gifts sometimes, but I keep the things that matter! Ross Geller: I don't know what to say, I'm sorry. Though, you're not supposed to take these. It's like a million years old, we, we actually, we had people looking for that. Monica Geller: Ooh, this always happens. Timothy Burke: Here, let me help. Monica Geller: Thank you. Timothy Burke: You-you have a very beautiful... eye. Monica Geller: Y'know all my friends think this is weird. Timothy Burke: Y'know I-I thought it was gonna be weird, I mean I almost called and canceled, but it really isn't. Monica Geller: I know! I mean it's like me and your dad, that's a totally separate thing. Timothy Burke: Oh, I totally agree. Monica Geller: We're just two people who find each other very attractive. Right? Timothy Burke: What? Monica Geller: Nothing. Nothing. Timothy Burke: No-no really, was-was that not okay? Monica Geller: No-no-no that was good, it was, that was uh, that was a goood kiss... Timothy Burke: Oh my God! It didn't remind you of... Monica Geller: Don't say it! Timothy Burke: No, but it did! Didn't it?! Monica Geller: Yeah! Timothy Burke: Oh man!! Monica Geller: I know! Joey Tribbiani: I'll get it. Kathy: Oh. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Kathy: Hey. Listen, I want you to know how sorry I am... Joey Tribbiani: That's okay. Chandler's the one I'm mad at. Kathy: Well, I'm still sorry. Is he here? Joey Tribbiani: In the box. Kathy: Chandler? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, he-he can't talk right now. Kathy: Why not? What's going on? Phoebe Buffay: He's just trying to show Joey how much he means to him. Kathy: By being in a box? Rachel Green: Joey, had reasons. Phoebe Buffay: They were threefold. Kathy: Oh. Well uh, you not being able to talk may make this easier. Listen umm... Listen I don't wanna be someone who comes between two best friends. I just, I can't stand seeing what this is doing to you guys, and I don't wanna be the cause of that. So, I don't think we can see each other anymore. I'm gonna go to my mom's in Chicago, I'm gonna stay there for awhile. I think this could've be something really amazing, but y'know this is probably for the best. Y'know? I'm gonna miss you. Good-bye, Chandler. Joey Tribbiani: Open the box!! Rachel Green: What?! Joey Tribbiani: He can still catch her! Come on, get out of there! Get out of there! Chandler Bing: So? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, we're gonna be fine! Get out! Chandler Bing: Yeah? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you did some real good thinkin' in there. Chandler Bing: Man, this is... Joey Tribbiani: Now go! 'Cause you can still catch her! And Merry Christmas from you're secret Santa! Joey Tribbiani: All right, who got Chandler? 'Cause I uh, need to trade. Rachel Green: Oh, he sees her! Monica Geller: Oh, he's catching up to her! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, she sees him! Oh, they're hugging! Ross Geller: He's taking her purse! Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, that's not them. I'm gonna go call the police. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, there they are! Phoebe Buffay: All right, get a room.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay! Monica Geller: Come on, no peeking! Chandler Bing: Our eyes are closed and we're about to cross the street. Very good. Phoebe Buffay: Okayyyyy, open up! Ross Geller: What did you want to show us? Because all I can see is this bitchin' van! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, it's for our catering business! Joey Tribbiani: I think I know that girl. Monica Geller: All right, umm, we're not gonna really keep it this way though. Rachel Green: No? Phoebe Buffay: No, we're gonna paint over the sword, and replace it with a baguette. Rachel Green: Oh! Phoebe Buffay: And also, we don't know what to do with this. Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, I definitely know her. Monica Geller: Remember that guy from cooking school I told you about that put cilantro with everything? Phoebe Buffay: Oh sure, Cilantro Larry. Monica Geller: Well, I'm gonna fill in for him as food critic for the Chelsea Reporter. Monica Geller: Wow, Monica! What an amazing opportunity to influence... dozens of people. Phoebe Buffay: How could you say yes, what about our catering business? Monica Geller: Oh no-no-no, it's only one night a week, and plus I get to take all of you out for a lot of free dinners. Everyone: Yay!! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, in that case-Yay! That was me hopping on board. Monica Geller: Oh. Chandler Bing: Hey, you guys! Hey, Ross, quick question for ya. Are you ready to party? Ross Geller: I don't know, I could maybe go out for a couple of beers, but there's this thing about bumblebees on The Discovery Channel that I was planning to watch. Chandler Bing: No-no, I don't think you heard me. Are you ready to party?! Ross Geller: Nooo!! Gandolf?! Gandolf is coming to town? Chandler Bing: Kathy's with her parents, I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with Gandolf dude! Ross Geller: Dude, we are sooo gonna party! Phoebe Buffay: Wow! Okay, dude alert! And who is this guy? Ross Geller: Mike "Gandolf" Ganderson, only like the funest guy in the world. Chandler Bing: I'm gonna call and get off work tomorrow! Ross Geller: I'm gonna call after you! Chandler Bing: This is gonna be soo cool, dude, we never party anymore! Monica Geller: All right, were you guys smoking something in the back of our van? Joey Tribbiani: Really. And what do you mean you never have fun anymore? You have fun with me, remember that time we saw those strippers and you paid me 50 bucks to eat that book? Ross Geller: Joey, you are gonna love this guy. Gandolf is like the party wizard! Joey Tribbiani: Well, why do you call him Gandolf? Ross Geller: Gandolf the wizard. Hello! Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school? Joey Tribbiani: No, I had sex in high school. Rachel Green: Oh, uh, Joanna I was wondering if I could ask you something. There's an opening for an assistant buyer in Junior Miss... Joanna: Okay, but that would actually be a big step down for me. Rachel Green: Well, actually, I meant for me. The hiring committee is meeting people all day and... Joanna: Oh. Well, I wish I could say no, but you can't stay my assistant forever. Neither can you Sophie, but for different reasons. Rachel Green: God, I am so glad you don't have a problem with this, because if you did, I wouldn't even consider applying. Joanna: Really? Well, in that case... Rachel Green: And that's I'm so glad... there's no problem. Joanna: That's fine, actually I'm on the hiring committee, so there'll be at least one friendly face. Rachel Green: Ohh! That's great! Joanna: You know, Junior Miss is where I started. Oh, I had to sleep with the ugliest guy to get that job. Rachel Green: Really?! Joanna: No-ho-ho! Yeah. I mean, no-no-no-no-no, don't you worry, I'm sure with your qualifications you won't need to sleep with some guy to get that job. Although, I might need some convincing. Rachel Green: Well, I, umm... Joanna: Kidding! God, I feel wild today! Chandler Bing: Oh man! I am so excited-I may vomit! Joey Tribbiani: Will you calm down, he's just a human guy. Chandler Bing: Look you don't understand, Gandolf is amazing. Y'know you're never know what's gonna end up happening, you go out for a couple of beers and end up on a fishing boat to Nova Scotia! Joey Tribbiani: Really?! Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, it's beautiful country up there. Ross Geller: Hey! Okay! I got my passport, fresh socks, and a snake bite kit! Chandler Bing: It's not gonna be exactly like last time. Joey Tribbiani: All right, I'll see you guys. Chandler Bing: Whoa-wh-wh-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Joey Tribbiani: I have an audition, but I'll definitely hook up with you later. Where are you gonna be around noon? Ross Geller: Somewhere maybe along the equator? Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Chandler Bing: Hello. It's Gandolf!!! So, are you in town? Oh, well, well maybe next time then. Ross Geller: What happened? Chandler Bing: He's not gonna make it, he's stuck in Chicago. Ross Geller: Ohh, man! Chicago, is sooo lucky! Chandler Bing: Stupid, useless Canadian money! Mr. Posner: You have a very impressive resume, Ms. Green. I especially like what I see here about implementing a new filing system. Rachel Green: Thank you. Joanna: Filing system? Oh-oh! You mean those-those little colored labels you put on all the folders? It certainly did brighten up the inside of the filing cabinets. Rachel Green: Well, they uh, they-they do more than that. Mrs. Lynch: I notice that you've been trusted with a lot of rather important responsibilities. Rachel Green: Yes, Joanna really has been an incredible mentor to me. Joanna: Oh. And Rachel has been really incredible in getting my morning bagel for me. It's amazing how she gets it right almost every time! Rachel Green: I-I-I of course, I have more responsibilities than that. Joanna: Oh yes, well there's the coffee too. Rachel can carry two things at once! Mr. Posner: Yes, that's very good. Now a uh, big part of this job is cultivating personal relationships, especially with designers. Rachel Green: Yes, I realize that... Joanna: And Rachel shouldn't have any problem with that. The only problem might be getting a little too friendly, if you know what I mean. Rachel Green: I love working with designers! Joanna: With them, under them, what's the difference? Eh, Rach? Monica Geller: Hey! My first review is out! Phoebe Buffay: Ohh! Oh, the Chelsea Reporter, ohh, this used to keep me so warm. Monica Geller: All right, look at my on the back page. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay! "Would I go back to Allesandro's? Sure, but I'd have to order two meals, one for me and one for the guy pointing the gun to my head." Wow! You really laid into this place. Monica Geller: Hey, they don't pay me a penny a word to make friends. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, I gotta go. I found a guy that who could fix up the van for catering. Monica Geller: Oh! Do you need me to go with you? Phoebe Buffay: No-no, it's okay. But are we sure we don't want the waterbed? Monica Geller: Haven't we made this decision? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, all right. Monica Geller: Bye! Phoebe Buffay: Bye! Monica Geller: Who is it? Allesandro: It's Allesandro, from Allesandro's. Monica Geller: Oh my God. Allesandro: I want to talk to you about your review. Monica Geller: Oh my God, oh my God. Call me on the phone! Allesandro: Why? So you could hang up on me? Monica Geller: Look, I-I'm never gonna let you up so you may as well just go away. Allesandro: Just give me a chance too... Phoebe Buffay: Hey, do you need to get in? Here you go. Monica Geller: No! Phoebe! Phoebe Buffay: Hey, Monica! Allesandro: I want a retraction! Our food is not inedible swill! Monica Geller: I couldn't eat it! I had five friends who couldn't eat it, and one of them eats books. Allesandro: Well our service is not grossly incompetent. Monica Geller: The waiter carried the breadsticks in his pants! Allesandro: Well, you said that we except the Discover Card, which we do not! Monica Geller: All right, that I'll retract. But I stand by my review, I know food and that wasn't it. You're marinara sauce tasted like tomato juice! You should serve it with vodka and a piece of celery. Allesandro: Hey! I'm proud of that sauce, it's delicious. Monica Geller: Oh my God! You own an Italian restaurant and you think that tastes good?! Where are you even from? Allesandro: Lebanon. Monica Geller: Hand me those tomatoes, I'm gonna show you what it should taste like! Come on, hand me them. Allesandro: How long is this gonna take? 'Cause I got another critic to go yell at. Rachel Green: Umm, Joanna? I wanna talk about that interview. Joanna: I thought it went very well. Rachel Green: No! It didn't! That's what I want to talk to you about. Now, just to brief you... I may cry, but they are not tears of sadness or of anger, but just of me having this discussion with you. Joanna: Rachel, please, don't make a scene. Rachel Green: There's nobody here! Joanna: Sophie, get in here! You see! Now you're making Sophie uncomfortable! Sophie: She's not making me uncomfortable. Joanna: Congratulations! You now just crossed the line into completely useless. Get out. Rachel Green: Do you want me to quit? Joanna: What?! What would make you think that? Rachel Green: Well of those things that you said in the interview, I mean if you believe any of them, I must not be a very good assistant. Y'know what? I am just gonna pack up my desk, and I will be gone by the end of the day! Well, I guess there's no use to me sticking around 'til the end of the day! Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait! You can put your sad little muffin back in it's drawer. If you must know the truth, I didn't want to lose a perfectly good assistant. Rachel Green: What? Joanna: That's why I said all those things about your flirting and your drinking... Rachel Green: My drinking? Joanna: Oh, I must've said that after you left. Rachel Green: Said what? Exactly. Joanna: That you enjoyed the occasional drink...ing binge. Rachel Green: Oh my God!! Ohh, that is it! I'm leaving! You are just a horrible person! Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!! If you're gonna get all sensitive about it! I don't want to lose you. What if I, create a position for you? I'll make you an assistant buyer in this department. Rachel Green: Say more things like that. Joanna: You can have your own office, and a raise! Effective tomorrow. Rachel Green: I'd need an expense account. Joanna: Done! Rachel Green: And an assistant. Joanna: Sophie, get in here! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! What are you guys doing here? I thought you'd be out partying with Gandel-worf. Ross Geller: It's Gandolf, and he's not coming. Joey Tribbiani: So you've been sittin' around here all mornin'? Ross Geller: No! I balanced my checkbook. Chandler Bing: Yeah, and I-I gave first names to all of the foosball players. Ross Geller: I can't believe he didn't come! Joey Tribbiani: So what if he didn't come! We can still go out and party ourselves! Chandler Bing: Oh-no, y'know with Gandolf we'd be out all night! Ross Geller: Yeah! We'd meet, we'd meet total strangers, and hang out with them! Joey Tribbiani: Well, we could do that! Ross Geller: There's other stuff too. Joey Tribbiani: We'll do it all, and better! Look, after tonight, Gandolf will want to party with us, dude! Come on! Ross Geller: Yeah! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Ross Geller: Yeah!! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!! Ross Geller: It's not like we don't know how to party!! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! All right? Let's go! Chandler Bing: And may-maybe we could end up on a boat again? Chandler Bing: All right!! Ross Geller: Hey-hey-hey, when uh, when were we on a boat? Chandler Bing: Remember that really cold morning, you woke up and those dogs were licking your face? Ross Geller: Yeah. Chandler Bing: Well, those were seals, man. Rachel Green: Hey Mon, little question for ya! How do you think this suit will look on an assistant buyer? Monica Geller: Okay, the owner of Allesandro's came over to yell at me, but instead I made him some sauce, and he offered me the job as head chef!! Rachel Green: Oh my God!! You just ruined the thing I was practicing the whole way home, but I'm soo happy! Monica Geller: Can you believe it? I finally get to run my own kitchen! Rachel Green: Ohh, you've waited soo long. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Rachel Green: Hey, Pheebs, quick question for ya. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Rachel Green: How do you think this suit would look on an assistant buyer at Bloomingdale's? Phoebe Buffay: I don't know, it would totally depend on her coloring and... You got the job!! Rachel Green: Yes!!! Monica Geller: You got the job?! Why didn't you tell me? Rachel Green: Ohh, it's gonna be so great! I'm gonna get to help decide what we sell, I'm gonna have an office with walls and everything. I'm gonna have walls! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, is this the day of good news or what? I got us a job! The wedding reception. Monica Geller: Ohh! Umm, Phoebe, I kinda need to talk to you about that. Umm, well I-I-I think it might be time for me to take a step back from catering. Phoebe Buffay: But we've only had one job. Monica Geller: I know, but now we have this second one and it just, it feels like it's snowballing, y'know? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! What are you saying? Monica Geller: I got offered the head chef job at Allesandro's. Phoebe Buffay: What? Monica Geller: It's okay, 'cause y'know what? You don't really need me for the business. Phoebe Buffay: You're the cook! With out you it's just me driving up to people's houses with empty trays and asking for money! Monica Geller: All right. But umm, I-I-I'll pay you back all the money you invested, and you can keep the van. Phoebe Buffay: For what? I can't believe this! I gotta get out of here. Monica Geller: Phoebe, wait a minute! Rachel Green: I'm an assistant buyer!! Joey Tribbiani: All right, so we'll get a little coffee, and get energized, and we'll head back out. Chandler Bing: Yeah, all right. Ross Geller: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: So, we're having fun, right? Joey Tribbiani: We don't need that wizard guy. We hit a couple of clubs, talked to some strangers, and uh, after this, we'll head down to the docks and see about that boat thing. Ross Geller: I'm kinda beat. Chandler Bing: Actually, me too. Joey Tribbiani: Are you serious?! Joey Tribbiani: Thank God! I'm exhausted! Gunther: So you guys want coffees? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, but uh, I don't want to be up too late, so uh, I'll have a decaf. Ross Geller: Yeah, me too. Chandler Bing: Actually, can I get some hot water with a little lemon? I think I strained my voice screaming in there. Does it have to be so loud? Joey Tribbiani: I can't hear a word you're saying, my ears are ringing so bad. Ross Geller: I'm just glad I brought that extra pair of socks, y'know? I used them as mittens, I didn't want to touch a thing in that last place. Ross Geller: How sad are we? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I know. Chandler Bing: Y'know what? We're not sad, we're not sad, we're just not 21 anymore. Y'know? I'm 29 years old, damnit! And I want to sit in a comfortable chair, and watch television and go to bed at a reasonable hour! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! And I like to hang out in a quiet place where I can talk to my friends. Ross Geller: And so what if I like to go home, throw on some Kenny G, and take a bath! Joey Tribbiani: We're 29, we're not women. Monica Geller: Ohh, here you are. Y'know, I'm-I'm glad you decided to hear me out. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I'm hearing. Monica Geller: I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot! And umm, well, I came up with a whole bunch of businesses you can do with your van. Okay umm, you could be flower delivery person. Phoebe Buffay: What?! Monica Geller: Or! A bakery delivery person. Phoebe Buffay: I wa-I wa-I wa... Monica Geller: Pizza?! Phoebe Buffay: Monica! Monica Geller: All right, I've got a whole bunch of uh-uh, stuff in this area, but umm, I'm getting the feeling that you don't want to deliver. Phoebe Buffay: No. Monica Geller: Okay. I'm guessing that if you don't want to deliver, you probably don't want to pick stuff up either. Phoebe Buffay: No. Monica Geller: Y'know what, let's do the catering business. Phoebe Buffay: Really?! Are you sure? Monica Geller: Yeah, y'know I-I made a commitment to you. Y'know what, it'd be, it'd be fun. Phoebe Buffay: Oh! It will be fun! Ohh! Yay! Oh! Okay, ooh, let's plan the wedding reception. Wow! You really wanted me to do something with this van. Y'know what, I want you to take the chef job. Monica Geller: Really?! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. That's what you really want. Yeah, I don't want to be the reason you're unhappy, that would just make me unhappy, and I really don't want to be the reason I'm unhappy. Monica Geller: Thank you. Phoebe Buffay: Besides, it might be kinda fun to form the new A-Team. Rachel Green: Oh, hi Mrs. Lynch! Is Joanna in already? Mrs. Lynch: Oh my goodness! You haven't heard! Rachel Green: Heard what? Mrs. Lynch: Joanna passed away last night. Rachel Green: Oh my God! How?! Mrs. Lynch: Well, she was leaving work and she was hit by a cab. Rachel Green: Oh my God! Oh, I cannot believe it! Mrs. Lynch: I know! Rachel Green: Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh God. Mrs. Lynch: I didn't realize that she was so close. Rachel Green: Yes, so close. Mrs. Lynch, I know that this is an emotional and difficult time, for all of us. But by any chance did Joanna send any paperwork your way before... it happened. Mrs. Lynch: No. Nothing. Imagine, if she had just stepped off that curb a few seconds later. Rachel Green: Yes-yes, just a few seconds and she'd still be with us-nothing about an assistant buyer? Mrs. Lynch: No, I'm sorry. I have to go. Sophie: Good morning! Rachel Green: Oh, Sophie, I guess you didn't hear about Joanna... Sophie: I sure did! Allesandro: I'm so excited about having Monica come on board with us. Although I do feel bad about having fired chef Emillio, it's like losing a member of the family. Of course, that literally is the case for several of you. Tony, Carlos, Marie, please, tell your father how much we're gonna miss him. Now, I know that Monica has a lot of great ideas for this place, well, you all read the review. So without much further ado, I present to you our new head chef. Monica Geller: Umm, I just wanna say, uh that with a pinch of exictement, a dash of hard work, a dollup of cooperation, we can have the recipe... Are you gonna kill me?
Ross Geller: Hey! Ross Geller: I'm sorry I'm late, did I miss anything? Phoebe Buffay: Joey stuffing 15 Oreos in his mouth. Ross Geller: 15? Your personal best! Phoebe Buffay: Where were you? Ross Geller: Oh, on a date. Yeah, I met this girl on the train going to a museum upstate. Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah! How did you meet her? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, which museum? Phoebe Buffay: No, answer his. Ross Geller: Okay, it was just me and her at the back of the train, and I sat near the door, so she'd have to pass by me if she wanted to switch cars. She was totally at my mercy. Chandler Bing: Were you so late because you were burring this woman? Ross Geller: No, I'm getting back down 'cause she lives in Poughkeepsie. She seems really great, but she's like totally great, but she lives two and a half hours away. Chandler Bing: How can she be great if she's from Poughkeepsie? That joke would've killed in Albany. Joey Tribbiani: Done! I did it! Heh, who's stupid now? Chandler Bing: Hey, look at this! They're lighting the big Christmas tree tonight. Phoebe Buffay: Umm, that paper's two weeks old. Chandler Bing: All right, who keeps leaving old newspapers in the trash?! I really wanted to take Kathy to this, I can't believe I missed it. Rachel Green: Hey, y'know, at least you have somebody to miss that stuff with! I hate being alone this time of year! Next thing you know it'll be Valentine's Day, then my birthday, then bang!-before you know it, they're lighting that damn tree again. Ohh, I want somebody! Y'know, I want a man!! I mean, it doesn't even have to be a big relationship, y'know, just like a fling would be great. Chandler Bing: Really?! I didn't think girls ever just wanted a fling. Rachel Green: Well, believe me, it's been a long time since I've been flung. Joey Tribbiani: Well, I know what I'm giving you for Christmas. Chandler Bing: Y'know what? There's some nice guys at my office, do you want me to set you up? Rachel Green: Yeah! Wait a minute, it's been a long time that I've been single. How come you never offered this before? Chandler Bing: Well, I have a girlfriend, I'm-I'm happy. So, I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to stop others from being happy. Rachel Green: Okay! No accountants. Oh, and no one from like legal. I don't like guys with boring jobs. Chandler Bing: Oh and Ross was like what? A lion tamer? Everyone: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: What's wrong Mon? Monica Geller: Ohh, everybody at the restaurant still hates me. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Monica Geller: I thought I was making headway, everyone was smiling at me all day, I get off work and I find out that they wrote this on my chef's hat. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, maybe they meant to write, 'Quiet, bitch.' Rachel Green: Hey, honey! What's the matter? Fine, I was just trying to be nice! Whoa! Monica Geller: I mean I have not been picked on this much since kindergarten and they had to bring in someone from junior high to do the see-saw with me. Joey Tribbiani: Ohhh! Monica Geller: I mean they're trying to do everything they can to make me quit, and if there were any other job, I would. But this is something I've been waiting for my whole life. Rachel Green: Well, wait a minute, you're the boss! Why don't you just yell at them? Or, fire them? Monica Geller: I would love too, but I can't! I mean I just can't, you know that I'm not good at confrontation. Chandler Bing: Hey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director, I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, who's boss. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Mon! I'm not doing anything, why don't you fire me? Monica Geller: That's a good idea! Wait, do you know how to waiter? Joey Tribbiani: Good enough to get fired. Monica Geller: All right, you're hired! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! That must be why I got fired last week! Does this Orson Wells guy direct Burger King commercials? Chandler Bing: Yes. Chandler Bing: I say, Drew! Are you seeing anybody right now? Og-ee-op, I'm not asking for me, I'm... I mean... No, I'm-I'm not gay, I'm not asking you out. I'm not-I'm not-I'm not gay! Drew: I didn't think you were gay. I do now. Chandler Bing: See my friend-my friend, Rachel, she wants to be set up. Drew: Ahh, I just got out of a big relationship, I'm not looking for any thing serious. Chandler Bing: Oh, y'know what, that might be okay even if it was just kind of a fling, that might be all right with Rachel. Mike: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Is this, hot Rachel, that you took to the Christmas party, Rachel? Chandler Bing: Oh, by the way, that is her full name. Mike: Oh wow! I'm free for her! Drew: Oh, wait a second! I didn't say I wasn't free! Mike: Hey, Chandler, why don't we talk this over at the Ranger game tomorrow? Drew: Hold on, y'know I just got a box of Cubans, maybe I bring them by your office around uh, five? Chandler Bing: Oh well, that's uh, a little later than I uh, generally care to stay, but sure! Mike: Maybe, before the game we could enjoy some eight year old some small batch Basel Hadens. Chandler Bing: Well, I don't really know what that is, but let's!! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! You guys, I'm writing a holiday song for everyone. Do you want to hear it? Phoebe Buffay: Happy Chanukah, Monica! May your Christmas be snowy, Joey! Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross. Spin the draddle, Rachel! Rachel Green: Pheebs, that's great! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yay! Rachel Green: But y'know umm, Rachel doesn't rhyme with draddle. Phoebe Buffay: I know but it's so hard! Nothing rhymes with your stupid name! Joey Tribbiani: What are you talking about? Lots of things rhyme with Rachel. Bagel. Mail. Jail. Bail. Able. May-pole. Phoebe Buffay: All good, thanks. Do you maybe have a nickname have like a nickname that's easier to rhyme? Monica Geller: Didn't your dad used to call you Pumpkin? Rachel Green: Oh yeah! Phoebe Buffay: Pumpkin? Yeah. But did he ever call you like, Budolph? Chandler Bing: Hello, children! Everyone: Hey! Chandler Bing: Have I got the 50 guys for you! Rachel Green: Really?! Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, I just showed this a picture of you and guys were throwing themselves at me! They're buying me drinks! They're giving me stuff! Knicks tonight? Joey Tribbiani: Sure! Where are the seats? Chandler Bing: Wherever! I've got like 20! Rachel Green: So, will I like any of these guys? Chandler Bing: Y'know what, I'm gonna uh, play the field just a little more. Rachel Green: Chandler! Chandler Bing: Guys are signing over their 401-K's to me? Phoebe Buffay: You work with robots!! Chandler Bing: Yes. Okay, there's this one guy, Patrick, I think you're gonna like him, he's really nice, he's funny, he's a swimmer. Rachel Green: Ohh, I like swimmer's bodies! Chandler Bing: Yes, and his father invented that magnetic strip on the back of credit cards. Rachel Green: Op, I like credit cards! Chandler Bing: See, I'm not bad at this fixing up thing, huh? Rachel Green: Well, so what does he do? Chandler Bing: Oh, he works in the Fine Foods division. Rachel Green: Your company has a fine foods division? Chandler Bing: It's a big company, I don't-if you-I... Joey Tribbiani: Now, wait a second! You make food and robots? Phoebe Buffay: No! No, the robots just work for them. Monica Geller: All right, I'm gonna go to work. Does anybody have a problem with that? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, lady, I do! I got a problem with that! Monica Geller: You want a problem? I'll give you a problem! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, what are you gonna do? You're gonna fire me? Monica Geller: You bet your ass, I'm gonna fire you! Thank you. Ross Geller: Oh, wow! I should get going. I-I got a date tonight. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah! With who? Ross Geller: You know that girl I told you about who lives up in Poughkeepsie? Chandler Bing: Yeah. Ross Geller: Not her. Yeah, this is someone else I meet, and I-I can't decide between the two of them. Y'know the one from Poughkeepsie, even though she's a two hour train ride away, is really pretty, really smart, and-and a lot of fun. But this other girl, well, she lives right uptown. Y'know she's, well she's-she's just as pretty, I guess she's smart, she's not fun. Phoebe Buffay: If she's no fun, why do you want to date her at all? Ross Geller: Well, I-I want to give her another chance, y'know? She lives so close. And, at the end of the date, the other time, she-she said something that was-if she was kidding was very funny. On the other hand, if she wasn't kidding, she's not fun, she's stupid, and kind of a racist. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey, man! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Ooh, how was your first day working at the restaurant? Joey Tribbiani: Damn! Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Monica Geller: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, what happened to your fancy chef's jacket? Monica Geller: They baked it. I can't take this anymore. I'm gonna call a meeting tonight, I'm gonna fire you tonight. Joey Tribbiani: You got it! Oh-oh! Monica Geller: What are you doing?! Joey Tribbiani: It's still a tiny bit on fire there. Monica Geller: Thanks. I think you got it! Rachel Green: Chandler!! You have the best taste in men! Chandler Bing: Well, like father, like son. Rachel Green: Patrick and I had such a great time last night! I mean I think this could maybe turn into something serious. Chandler Bing: Really?! I-I thought you weren't looking for something serious? I thought you were looking for some kind of a fling. Rachel Green: Well, y'know, possibly. You didn't tell him that, though? Right? Chandler Bing: Ummmmmmmm, no. Rachel Green: You told this guy that I was looking for a fling?! You don't tell the guy that! Chandler Bing: Why not?! I'd be thrilled if I heard that some hot girl was just looking to get-oh I see. Rachel Green: Oh, between you telling him that I wanted to have a fling and me putting out on the first date-oh, he's so gonna get the wrong idea. Monica Geller: Hey, Joey, could you pass the cheese? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Listen uh, I'd prefer it if you didn't call me Joey. Since I don't know anyone here, I thought it'd be cool to try out a cool work nickname. A Waiter: Hey, dragon! Here's your tips from Monday and Tuesday. Joey Tribbiani: There's like-there's like 300 bucks in this one! The Waiter: Yeah, people get pretty generous around the holidays. And it never hurts to wear tight trousers. Monica Geller: Okay. Could the waiters gather around to hear tonight's specials? Okay, first there is a Chilean Sea Bass prepared with a Mango relish on a bag-Why is nobody writing these down? The Waiter: Because we can remember them. Monica Geller: Because your all gonna make up fake specials and make me cook them like you did the other night? The Waiter: Well, sure, that too. Monica Geller: Okay, forget the specials for a minute. Umm, all right here's the thing, for the last two weeks I have umm, tried really hard to create a positive atmosphere... The Waiter: Can't hear you! Monica Geller: A positive atmosphere! But I-I-I have had it up to here. From now on, it is gonna be my way, or the highway! All right? Does anybody have a problem with that?!! Hey new guy! I said, does anybody have a problem with that?! Joey Tribbiani: No ma'am. The Waiter: Hey! He has a name, it's Dragon. Do you wanna know your name? Check your hat. We did the hat right? Monica Geller: What the hell happened?! Joey Tribbiani: I am so-so-so sorry. I was gonna do it! Really! But I was standing there with 327 dollars in one hand and 238 dollars in the other hand, and I was thinking, "Wow! It's been a long time since I had... 327 + 238 dollars!" Monica Geller: Joey, we had a deal. That-that's why you're here! I've got to fire you! Joey Tribbiani: And I gotta pay rent! Look, how-how about this? You don't fire me, instead I stay here, I gain their trust, and they'll start listening to all the nice things I've been saying about you. Monica Geller: What kinda things have you been saying? Joey Tribbiani: Well nothing yet, they really hate you and I want to fit in. Phoebe Buffay: Happy, happy Chanukah, Chandler and Monica. Very merry... Chandler Bing: Oh, y'know, y'know what Pheebs? Phoebe Buffay: What? Chandler Bing: I'm not Jewish, so... Phoebe Buffay: So! Ross doesn't really decorate his tree with floss, but you don't hear him complaining do you? God! Chandler Bing: Bad dream? Ross Geller: I wasn't sleeping. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, then uh, what was Phoebe's song about? Ross Geller: The one with the cat. I gotta go, I've got another date. Phoebe Buffay: So, did you pick one yet? Ross Geller: No, it turns out that the one from uptown was making a joke. But it was a different joke than I thought-it wasn't that funny. So I'm still torn. Phoebe Buffay: Well look, you don't really like the one from uptown and you're too exhausted from dating the one up in Poughkeepsie, so I say you just end them both. Okay? You take a train up to Poughkeepsie and break up with her, and on your way back you break up with uptown. And then by the time you get home tonight, you're done! Ross Geller: Y'know, you're right. Thank you. Phoebe Buffay: Umm, well I had a similar problem when I lived in Prague. Chandler Bing: Prague? Phoebe Buffay: There's sooo much you don't know. Rachel Green: Chandler! Patrick just uh, ended things with me. Did you or did you not tell him that I was looking for a serious relationship? Chandler Bing: I did! I absolutely did! Rachel Green: You idiot!! Chandler Bing: I'm sure you're right, but why? Rachel Green: You don't tell a guy that you're looking for a serious relationship! You don't tell the guy that! Now you scared him away! Chandler Bing: Oh, man. I'm sorry, I'm so-so sorry. Rachel Green: Y'know, you should never be allowed to talk to people! Chandler Bing: I know! I know! Rachel Green: Oh! See just I'm right back where I started! Aww, this sucks! Being alone, sucks! Chandler Bing: Well, y'know, you're-you're gonna meet somebody! You're a great catch! Y'know when I was telling all those guys about you, I didn't have to lie once. Rachel Green: Really? Chandler Bing: Yeah! You graduated Magma Ku Laude, right? Rachel Green: No. Chandler Bing: Oh, it doesn't matter. Hey, y'know what, I've got two tickets to tonight's Rangers game, you wanna come with me? Rachel Green: Cute guys in little shorts? Sure. Chandler Bing: Well, actually it's a hockey team, so it's angry Canadians with no teeth. Rachel Green: Well that sounds fun too. Chandler Bing: Have you ever been with a woman? Rachel Green: What?! Chandler, what is the matter with you?! Chandler Bing: So there is no good time to ask that question. The Conductor: The next station is Poughkeepsie. Poughkeepsie! The Woman From Poughkeepsie: Ross? Ross! Wake up! Ross! Ross! Ross!! Ross!!! Ross!!!! Monica Geller: I need more swordfish. Can you get me some more swordfish? Kitchen Worker: I don't speak English. Monica Geller: You did a minute ago! Kitchen Worker: Well, I don't know what to tell ya! Monica Geller: Fine! Monica Geller: Okay! Very funny! Somebody let me out please?! Come on, I'm cold! And covered in marinara sauce! Come on! Let me out! The Waiter: You found that handle, did ya? Monica Geller: That's not funny. The Waiter: Well that's not true. Monica Geller: I'm a good person. And I'm a good chef, and I don't deserve to have marinara sauce all over me! Y'know what, if you want me to quit this bad, then all you have to do is... Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chef Geller! Y'know that little speech you made the other day? Well I got a problem with it! Monica Geller: You do? Joey Tribbiani: You bet I do! I just ah, wasn't listening then, that's all. Monica Geller: Well if you want a problem? I'll give you a problem! Joey Tribbiani: What are you gonna do? You're gonna fire me? Monica Geller: You bet your ass I'm gonna fire you! Get out of my kitchen! Get out!! All right! Anybody else got a problem? How 'bout you Chuckles? You think this is funny now? The Waiter: No. Monica Geller: How about if I dance around all covered in sauce? Huh? You think it's funny now? The Waiter: No, it's really good. Monica Geller: Good! Now, take those salads to table 4, And you! Get the swordfish! And you! Get a haircut! The Conductor: Last stop, Montreal. This stop is Montreal. Ross Geller: What? Woman On Train: I made a bet with myself that you have beautiful eyes. Now that I see them, I win. Ross Geller: What? Woman On Train: We're at my stop. But would you like to have coffee? Ross Geller: Are we really in Montreal?! Woman On Train: Yes we are. So, coffee? Ross Geller: Coffee sounds great. Wait, so, so you live in Montreal? Woman On Train: Oh, no. But it's just a two hour ferry ride to Nova Scotia. Joey Tribbiani: Well I guess I should've thought about my wife and kids before I talked back to chef Geller! Monica Geller: Thanks. Joey Tribbiani: Yep! Looks like it's gonna be a leeeeean Christmas at the Dragon house this year. Monica Geller: Enough! Joey Tribbiani: Lean-lean-lean! Phoebe Buffay: "Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap./Asked him to bring my friends all kind of crap./Said all you need is to write them a song./They haven't heard it, so don't try and sing along./No, don't sing along./Monica, Moncia, have a happy Chanukah./Saw Santa Clause, he said hello to Ross./And plese tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy!/And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!"/Happy holidays, everybody!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! I can't believe my little brother is married! Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh I know!! Phoebe Buffay: You guys, why didn't you tell me you were eloping? Frank Buffay Jr.: 'Cause it just sorta happened, y'know we were at the courthouse, we were having lunch... Phoebe Buffay: Wait, wait, why were you at the courthouse? Frank Buffay Jr.: We were having lunch. Yeah and then all of the sudden we were like, "Hey! Y'know, we're here, having lunch let's get married! Phoebe Buffay: Wow, a year and a half ago I didn't even know I had a brother, and now I have a sister too. Okay. Okay. Stop it, don't. So, I gotta get you a gift now. Is there anything you need? Frank Buffay Jr.: Uhh, yeah. Alice Knight: We've been trying to get pregnant, uh pretty much ever since we got engaged, we thought we'd get a jump on things, y'know no one's getting any younger. Frank Buffay Jr.: See the thing is umm, we're not able to y'know, uh, conceive. Alice Knight: And we've tried everything, we've seen a bunch of doctors. Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, and they-and they say that our-that our only chance to have a baby is that if they take my sperm, her egg and put it together in a dish and then put it into another girl. So we were wondering if you could be the girl that we could put it into. Phoebe Buffay: That's a really nice gift. I was thinking of like a gravy boat. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! You guys! Check it out, check it out! Guess which job I got. Chandler Bing: I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black. Ross Geller: What? Chandler Bing: Blue blazer back. He-he wants it back. Rachel Green: But you-you said black. Why would he want his blue blazer black? Chandler Bing: Well, you-you know what I meant. Monica Geller: No, you messed it up. You're stupid. Chandler Bing: So what job did you get Joe? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, ah, tour guide at the museum. Yeah, Ross got it for me. Rachel Green: Well, how can you be a tour guide, don't you have to be a dinosaur expert or something? Joey Tribbiani: No, not really. They give you all the information, it's uh, it's like memorizing a script. "And on your left, you have Tyrannosaurus Rex, a carnivore from the Jurassic period. Ross Geller: Uh actually Joey, it's the Cretasous period. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah but, I can pronounce Jurassic. Phoebe Buffay: Hey!! Everyone: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Guess what. Frank Jr., and Alice got married! Everyone: Oh my God!! Phoebe Buffay: And! And, they're gonna have a baby! And! And, they want me to grow it for them in my uterus. Ross Geller: My God! Monica Geller: Are you serious? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah Joey Tribbiani: You're really thinking about having sex with your brother?! Phoebe Buffay: Ewww! And "Oh no!" It's-they just want me to be the surrogate. It's her-it's her egg and her sperm, and I'm-I'm just the oven, it's totally their bun. Joey Tribbiani: Huh. Monica Geller: What did you tell them? Phoebe Buffay: Well, they said that I had to think about it first, but what is there to think about? I'm gonna be giving them the greatest gift you can possibly give. Chandler Bing: You're gonna be carrying their baby and give them a Sony Play Station? Rachel Green: Honey, this really is an incredible thing to do for them, but there are things to think about. Monica Geller: Yeah, like you're gonna be pregnant. I mean pregnant. Phoebe Buffay: I know! Ross Geller: Pheebs, you're talking about putting your body through an awful lot, I mean morning sickness, uhh, labour, and it's all for somebody else! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, what's your point? Ross Geller: Well, the stuff I just mentioned. Rachel Green: Wow! I don't know if I could ever do that. I always figured the first time I had a baby was with somebody I love and that baby would be a...keeper. Phoebe Buffay: Y'know you guys were a lot more supportive when I wanted to make denim furniture. Joey Tribbiani: No, Pheebs, listen, if you decide to do this, we'll be supportive like crazy. Everyone: Yeah. Monica Geller: We just want you to think it through. Rachel Green: Yeah, honey, maybe you can talk to somebody who's had a baby. Like your mom? Phoebe Buffay: My mom never gave birth. Oh! But my birth mom did. Kathy: Umm, I love this touchy. Can I take it to work with me? Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah, sure, it's not mine anyway. It can with the pants. Kathy: Oh! Monica Geller: I am so jealous. Rachel Green: You guys are really right...there aren't you? Chandler Bing: Yes. Right where? Monica Geller: In the beginning where y'know it's all sex and talking and sex and talking and... Chandler Bing: Yeah, you-you gotta love the talking. Monica Geller: And the sex? Chandler Bing: All right, we haven't had sex yet. Okay, what's the big deal? Y'know? This is special, and I want our love to grow until we move on to the next level. Rachel Green: Oh, Chandler that is so nice. Ross Geller: That is really nice...lying! No way is that the reason! Rachel Green: Why? Just because you're not mature enough to understand something like that?! Chandler Bing: No, he's right, I'm totally lying. Monica Geller: Then what is it? Chandler Bing: Well, Kathy's last boyfriend was Joey. Ross Geller: And you're afraid you won't be able to...fill his shoes. Chandler Bing: No, I'm afraid I won't be able to make love as well as him. Ross Geller: Yeah, I was going for the metaphor. Chandler Bing: Yes, and I was saying the actual words. Monica Geller: So big deal, so Joey's had a lot of girlfriends, it doesn't mean he's great in bed. Chandler Bing: We share a wall! So either he's great in bed, or she just likes to agree with him a lot. Monica Geller: Sweetie, with you it's gonna be different. The sex is gonna be great, 'cause you-you guys are in love. Chandler Bing: Yeah? Rachel Green: Yeah! Ross Geller: Just go for it Chandler. Monica Geller: Yeah, you should. Rachel Green: Yeah, you should, really. Monica Geller: Go on. Chandler Bing: All right, all right, I'll go sleep with my girlfriend. But I'm just doing it for you guys. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, now the Mastodon is from the semi-late Jurassic period. Smart Kid: Isn't the Mastodon from the Pliocene Epic? Joey Tribbiani: Shhh! This is a museum, no talking. Right down here, we have a large foot. Uhh, and over here we have Ross Geller. Everyone wave 'Hi' to Ross. Ross is one of our most important scientists, look at him, hard at work. Okay, moving right along. Come on. Phoebe Abbott: It's open! Come in! Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Phoebe Abbott: Hi! Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, I'm late. Phoebe Abbott: Oh, that's okay, it gave me time to finish glazing my nipples. Phoebe Buffay: Wow! You really go all out when you're expecting company. Phoebe Abbott: No, I was working on my pottery. Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Ooh! Oh, I didn't know that you did...pot. Phoebe Abbott: Well, yeah, mostly nudes. It combines my two passions, pottery and erotica. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, erotiery! Phoebe Abbott: Hey! Okay! Well thanks for coming out to see me. I just-I just thought it would be a very good idea to talk about this baby stuff in person. Y'know... Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Phoebe Abbott: I really don't think it's a very good idea, Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: Why not? Phoebe Abbott: Well, because you'd be giving up a baby, and I-I really don't-I don't know if there's anything I can say that could make you understand the pain of giving up a baby. So, umm, Phoebe Buffay: Oh no! No-no! I understand the pain! Don't-don't hurt the puppy. Phoebe Abbott: No-no-no, the-the puppy's yours. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I get a puppy!! Phoebe Abbott: Well, yeah! I mean yeah, but only for three days. Phoebe Buffay: Why? Phoebe Abbott: I realise I don't have any right to start get all parenty on you and everything now, but umm, uhh... Phoebe, would you please look at me and not the puppy, it's very important. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Phoebe Abbott: I mean, I know what I'm talking about. I gave up two babies, and I only wish I had someone there that had given up babies, that could tell me how terrible it is to give up babies. I just think that, it would be something you will regret every single day for the rest of your life. So, how ever hard it is to give up this puppy, it would be like a million times harder to give up a child. I really shouldn't have given you the puppy first. Phoebe Buffay: All right, I'm sorry. Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, do you mind sitting there. I'm-I'm saving this for my friend Ross. Tour Guide: You mean Dr. Geller? Joey Tribbiani: Doctor? Wow! I didn't know he had a nickname. Tour Guide: Oh, he won't sit here. Only the people in the white coats sit over there, and only the people in the blue blazers sit here. Joey Tribbiani: Well, how-how come? Tour Guide: That's just the way it is. Joey Tribbiani: That's crazy. Tour Guide: Maybe it's crazy in a perfect world, a world without lab coats and blazers, but you not in a perfect world, you in a museum now. See that scientist in the classes, he and I used to play together all the time in grade school, but now... Peter! Hey, Peter! It's me Rhonda! From PS-129! I shared my puddin' which you man! I gave you my Snack Pack! See, he pretend he don't even here me! Joey Tribbiani: I-I think everybody's pretending they don't hear you. Anyway, look, I don't know about you and your jackets and your separate tables, but Ross is one of my best friends, and if I save him a seat, I'm telling you, he will sit in it! Ross! Ross! Over here, man! I-I saved you seat. Ross Geller: That's okay, I'm cool over here. I'll catch up with you later, Joey. Tour Guide: Op, this is saved. Gift shop. Ross Geller: Hey, uh, I'm really, really sorry about what happened in the cafeteria today. Joey Tribbiani: It's no big deal. Hey, y'know, you do what you gotta do. Right? Ross Geller: But hey, it's not just me, I mean the scientists and the tour guides never sit together. Joey Tribbiani: Whatever. Ross Geller: It's like that everywhere, Joey! Okay, Mon, back me up here. Where you work the uh, waiters eat with the waiters, right? And the chefs eat with the other chefs, right? Monica Geller: I eat by myself in the alley because everybody hates me. Joey Tribbiani: Look, Ross, really it's-it's no big deal. Y'know you wear a white coat, I wear a blue blazer, if that means we can't be friends at work, then so be it. Y'know, hey I understand. Y'know? Hey, when I'm in a play and you're in the audience, I don't talk to you, right? So it's y'know, it's uh, it's cool. I'll see you tomorrow. Rachel Green: Yeah, when we're in the audience he doesn't talk to us, but he does wave. Chandler Bing: Hi. Monica Geller: Hey! Chandler Bing: Why is Phoebe singing to Carl Mulden? Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, y'know what, I think it's time for puppy to go out again. Come on, let's go to the balcony. Monica Geller: What?! Phoebe Buffay: Umm, the street. Come on, let's go to the street. Ooh, listen, don't go onto the balcony until after I get back. Monica Geller: So, did you do it? Chandler Bing: Yes, yes, we had the sex. Monica Geller: Uh-oh, it was bad? Chandler Bing: It was fine, y'know? But she didn't agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, "I see you point, I'm all right with it." Monica Geller: Well, it was the first time. Y'know, there's not always a lot of agreement the first time. Rachel Green: Yeah, not girls anyway, guys agree like that. Chandler Bing: Look, you have to help me! Okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman, y'know, I know where everything goes, it's always nice. But I need to know what makes it go from nice to, "My God! Somebody's killing her in there!" Monica Geller: All right, I'm gonna show you something a lot of guys don't know. Rach, give me that pad, please? All right. Now... Chandler Bing: Look, you don't have to draw an actual wo-whoa! She's hot! Monica Geller: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. You got one, two three, four , five, six, and seven! Chandler Bing: There are seven?! Rachel Green: Let me see that. Oh, yeah. Chandler Bing: That's one? Monica Geller: It's kind of an important one! Chandler Bing: Oh, y'know-y'know what, I was looking at it upside down. Rachel Green: Well, y'know, sometimes that helps. Monica Geller: Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp. Chandler Bing: That-that's bad? Rachel Green: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Materhorn. Chandler Bing: Well you might if it were anything like 7! Monica Geller: All right uh, the important thing is to take your time, you want to hit 'em all, and you mix 'em up. You gotta keep them on their toes. Rachel Green: Oo, toes!! Well, for some people. Monica Geller: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7, ...7...7...7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7...! Older Scientist: Dr. Geller, there's a seat over here. Ross Geller: Thank you, Dr. Phillips, but I'm having my lunch at this table, here in the middle. I'm having lunch right here, with my good friend Joey, if he'll sit with me. Joey Tribbiani: I will sit with you Dr. Geller. Ross Geller: Y'know, we work in a museum of natural history, and yet there is something unnatural about the way we eat lunch. Now, I look around this cafeteria, and y'know what I see, I see-I see division. Division, between people in white coats and people in blue blazers, and I ask myself, "My God why?!" Now, I say we shed these-these coats that separate us, and we get to know the people underneath. I'm Ross! I'm divorced, and I have a kid! Joey Tribbiani: I'm Joey! I'm an actor! I don't know squat about dinosaurs! Another Tour Guide: I'm Ted, and I just moved here a month ago, and New York really scares me. Ross Geller: All right, there you go! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you hang in there Teddy! Older Scientist: I'm Andrew, and I didn't pay for this pear. Ross Geller: Okay, good-good for you. Tour Guide: I'm Rhonda, and these aren't real! Ross Geller: Wow, Rhonda. Another Scientist: I'm Scott. Ross Geller: Yeah, okay, Scott! Another Scientist: And I need to flip the light switch on and off 17 times before I leave a room or my family will die. Phoebe Buffay: My mom's gonna be here any minute. I can't do this, I can't give him up. Yes-no, I can. I don't want to. But I can. No. Rachel Green: Oo, I can't watch this, it's like Sophie's Choice. Monica Geller: Y'know, I never saw that. Rachel Green: Ooh, it was only okay. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, I can't do this. My mom was right. If I can't-if I can't give him up, then there's no way I can give up a baby. Ohh, God, Frank and Alice are gonna be so crushed. What-what else, what else can I give 'em-a kidney! Alice Knight: Hi! Frank Buffay Jr.: Hi! Alice Knight: Uhh, we were just in the neighbourhood, so... Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, so we just thought we'd stop by and let you know there's still no pressure. Alice Knight: None. But if there was something you wanted to tell us, we're just gonna be right over there having coffee. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, who's this little guy?! Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Ooh! Umm! Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, he's so cute, he reminds me of my old dog, Tumour. Alice Knight: You are so precious, I could just take you home. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, why don't you? Frank Buffay Jr.: Are you serious? Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, yeah! Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, thanks. Monica Geller: What are you doing? Phoebe Buffay: No, I'm really okay with this. Y'know why? 'Cause look at them, and I made that, so... I know it's gonna be like a million times harder to give up a baby but, oh my God, it's gonna feel like a million times better, right? I wanna do this. I wanna carry your baby. Alice Knight: Oh! Oh! Oh! Thank you so much! You don't know what this means to us! Oh! Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh my God, I think I'm gonna cry! Monica Geller: It's gonna be so great. Phoebe Abbott: Hi! What's going on? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I-I gave them the puppy and it made them so happy that I decided I'm gonna carry their baby. Phoebe Abbott: But Phoebe... Phoebe Buffay: No-no-no, I know, but you and I are different people though, and this is a totally different situation, and I know that I am not gonna regret this. Phoebe Abbott: Oh, I-I-I understand all that, but it's just-that was my puppy. Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Monica Geller: Would you ever be a surrogate for anyone? Rachel Green: It depends on who asked. Monica Geller: What if I asked? Rachel Green: Oh, Mon, sure. Monica Geller: Really? Rachel Green: Yes. You're not asking are you? Monica Geller: No. Rachel Green: Yes! Totally! Kathy: Oh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Yes! Thank you!
Rachel Green: What the hell is that?!! What the hell is that? Is that you? Ohhhhhhh! Monica Geller: Boy, you are really not a morning person. Rachel Green: BACK OFF!!! Get up! Get up! Get up! God damn it! Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up!! Rachel Green: What is that noise? Chandler Bing: You! Joey Tribbiani: It's the chick! She's...going through some changes. Monica Geller: What kind of changes? Chandler Bing: Well the vet seems to think that's she's becoming a rooster. We're getting a second opinion. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey, what are you doing shopping at eight in the morning? Rachel Green: Well, I've been up since six. Thanks to somebody's dumb-ass rooster. Phoebe Buffay: You guys you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't be living in an apartment. Rachel Green: Yeah! Especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around... Phoebe Buffay: All right. I'm gonna go to the fertility doctor and um, see if I'm ready to have Frank and Alice's embryo transferred into my uterus. Ross Geller: Now, how will they know if you're ready? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, they're just gonna umm, look to see if my endometria layer is thick. Chandler Bing: Oh, I can uh, check that for ya. Phoebe Buffay: Okay everyone, think thick. Everyone: Good-bye! Good luck! Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Wish me luck! Monica Geller: Oh, good luck. Joey Tribbiani: Good luck. And I'm still right! Monica Geller: That is sooo not true! Rachel Green: What? Joey Tribbiani: She's mad because I know today's her laundry day and that means she's wearing her old lady underpants. Chandler Bing: I can check that for ya. Monica Geller: I just-I can't believe that you think that you and Chandler know me and Rachel better than we know you. Chandler Bing: Well... we-we do. You can only eat Tic Tacks in even numbers. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, what's that about? Chandler Bing: And you... Ross, I believe, if you check Rachel's bag you will find a half-eaten box of cookies in there. Ross Geller: You're good. These are not. Rachel Green: I'm so not impressed. Everybody snacks when they shop. Monica Geller: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah? Ross, how many items left in that bag? Ross Geller: Five. Chandler Bing: Okay, ten bucks says that we can name every item in that bag. Rachel Green: How many guesses do you get? Joey Tribbiani: Six. Ross Geller: Challenge extended. Monica Geller: Deal! Ross Geller: Challenge excepted. Joey Tribbiani: All right, we'll start with...apples. Ross Geller: We'll be starting with apples. Chandler Bing: Stop that now! Chandler Bing: Yes! Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Uhh, tortilla chips, yogurt. Chandler Bing: Diet soda. Ross Geller: Yes. Yes. Yes. Chandler Bing: Orange juice. Rachel Green: No! There's no orange juice in there! We win!! Monica Geller: Ha-ha! Ross Geller: They have another guess. Rachel Green: Okay, well, we won that one. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, the last thing... Chandler Bing: Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh! Joey Tribbiani: No-no, not for like another two weeks. Chandler Bing: I got it! Scotch... tape. Ross Geller: How did you know she would buy scotch tape? Chandler Bing: Well, we used there's up last night making scary faces. Monica Geller: Aww, man! Chandler Bing: All right! Ten buck! Fork it over! Cough it up! Pay the piper! Gimme it. Monica Geller: That does not mean you know us better, I-I want a rematch. Rachel Green: Yeah, and none of these stupid grocery questions, real personal questions. Monica Geller: Yeah! And the winner gets a hundred bucks. Joey Tribbiani: Serious? Monica Geller: Are you scared? Joey Tribbiani: No! All right, who-who makes up the questions? Monica Geller: Ross will do it. Ross Geller: Oh sure, "Ross will do it!" It's not like he has a job, or a child, or a life of his own. Rachel Green: Fine! We'll ask Phoebe. Ross Geller: No-no-no, I-I wanna play. Dr. Zane: It looks like your uterus is ready for implantation. Phoebe Buffay: Oh! I knew it! I knew it! I felt really thick this morning. Frank Buffay Jr.: Well, okay, so what's now-go get, go get the eggs, put 'em in there. Dr. Zane: Okay, it'll take just a little while to prepare the embryos. Phoebe Buffay: Embryossss? As in, "More than one?" Dr. Zane: Um-hmm, five actually. Phoebe Buffay: Five? Okay, where am I giving birth, a hospital or a big box under the stairs? Dr. Zane: We do five because that gives you a 25% chance that at least one will attach. Phoebe Buffay: That's it! 25 percent? That means that's it's like 75 percent chance of no baby at all! Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey, y'know I was thinking, what are the odds like if-if, if you stuff like 200 of them in there? Alice Knight: Sweety, now, she's a woman, not a gumball machine. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, well y'know what, don't worry you guys, 'cause I'm-I'm gonna do this as many times as it takes to get it right. Frank Buffay Jr.: Well, you see, the-the thing is, we-we only got, we kinda have one shot to make it right. Alice Knight: Umm, it costs $16,000 each time you do this. So, umm, we're kinda using all the money we have to do it just this one time. Phoebe Buffay: Whoa!! That-okay, that's a lot of pressure on me and my uterus. So, well okay, so is there-is maybe is there something that I can do y'know just to like help make sure I get pregnant? Dr. Zane: No, I'm sorry. Phoebe Buffay: Wow! You guys really don't know anything! Frank Buffay Jr.: I know! Why don't you get drunk! That worked for a lot of girls in my high school. Monica Geller: You guys! Do you realize that any minute now, Phoebe can be pregnant? Joey Tribbiani: Huh. Rachel Green: I know! I know, it's such a huge, life-altering thing. Joey Tribbiani: I know. Ross Geller: The test is ready. Everyone: Yeah! Yes! Ross Geller: Okay, each team will answer ten questions. The first team that answers the most questions wins. Okay, the categories are, Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and It's All Relative. Now, the coin toss to see who goes first. Okay, somebody call it this time. Everyone: Oh yeah! Rachel Green: Tails! Ross Geller: It's heads. Gentlemen, pick your category. Chandler Bing: Fears and Pet Peeves. Ross Geller: What is Monica's biggest pet peeve? Joey Tribbiani: Animals dressed as humans. Ross Geller: That's correct. Ladies? Monica Geller: Same category? Ross Geller: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejeezus out of him? Monica Geller: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance! Ross Geller: That is correct. Joey Tribbiani: The Irish gig guy?! Chandler Bing: His legs flail about as if independent of his body! Ross Geller: Gentlemen, you're pick. Joey Tribbiani: It's All Relative. Ross Geller: Monica and I have a grandmother who died, you both went to her funeral, name that grandmother! Joey Tribbiani: Nana? Chandler Bing: She has a real name. Joey Tribbiani: Althea! Chandler Bing: Althea?! What are you doing?! Joey Tribbiani: I took a shot. Chandler Bing: You're shooting with Althea?! Ross Geller: Althea is correct. Chandler Bing: Nice shooting! Rachel Green: We'll take Literature!! Ross Geller: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What name appears on the address label? Rachel Green: Chandler gets it! It's Chandler Bing! Monica Geller: No!! Ross Geller: I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to Chinandolor Bong. Monica Geller: I knew that! Rachel! Use you're head! Chandler Bing: Actually, it's Miss Chinandolor Bong. Phoebe Buffay: Hello, tiny embryos. Well, I'm-I'm Phoebe Buffay, hi! I'm-I'm-I'm hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. You should know, that we're doing this for Frank and Alice, who you know, you've been there! Umm, y'know they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab on. Okay, and-and I promise that I'll keep you safe and warm until you're ready to have them take you home, so... Oh! And also, umm next time you see me, I'm screaming, don't worry, that's what's supposed to happen. Dr. Zane: Ready? Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh. Good luck. Ross Geller: All right, the score is nine to eight in favor of the guys. Ladies if you miss this the game is theirs, pick your category. Rachel Green: It's All Relative!! Ross Geller: You don't have to shout everything. Rachel Green: I'm sorry! Ross Geller: Ooh. What is the name of Chandler's father's Las Vegas all-male burlesque? Monica Geller: Viva Las Gaygas! Chandler Bing: Unfortunately that is correct. The Girls: Yes!! Ross Geller: All right, we have a tie. Luckily, I have prepared for such an event. The Lightning Round! Everyone: Ohhhh. Ross Geller: Thirty seconds, all the questions you can answer. Monica Geller: You guys are dead, I am so good at lighting rounds. Chandler Bing: I majored in lightning rounds. All right, we're gonna destroy you. Monica Geller: Huh, wanna bet? Chandler Bing: Well, I'm so confused as to what we've been doing so far... Monica Geller: How about we play for more money, say 150? Ross Geller: 150 dollars. Chandler Bing: Say 200? Ross Geller: 200 dollars. Monica Geller: You're doing it again. Ross Geller: Excuse me. Rachel Green: Monica, I don't want to lose 200 dollars. Monica Geller: We won't. 300? Rachel Green: Monica?! Monica Geller: I'm just trying to spice it up! Rachel Green: Okay, so let's play for some pepper! Stop spending my money! Monica Geller: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster? Rachel Green: Oooohh that's interesting. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, no way, that rooster's family! Rachel Green: Throw in the duck too! Joey Tribbiani: What do you have against the duck?! He doesn't make any noise! Rachel Green: Well, he gets the other one all riled up. Joey Tribbiani: Look, we are not gonna... Chandler Bing: All right, hold on! If you win, we give up the birds. Joey Tribbiani: Dah!! Chandler Bing: But if we win, we get your apartment. Joey Tribbiani: Oooooh! Monica Geller: Deal! Rachel Green: Monica, betting the apartment, I don't know about this. Monica Geller: Rachel, I have not missed one question the whole game. I own this game! Look at my hand. Rachel Green: Why? Do you have the answers written on there? Monica Geller: No! Steady as a rock! Now, are you with me. Rachel Green: All right, let's do it. Monica Geller: Come on! Rachel Green: Okay. Ross Geller: All right, gentlemen, you're up first. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Chandler Bing: Okay. Ross Geller: You have 30 seconds. And the lightning round begins-stop it -now. What was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie? Joey Tribbiani: Big fat goalie. Ross Geller: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie... Chandler Bing: Dangerous Liaisons. Ross Geller: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is... Joey Tribbiani: Weekend at Bernie's. Ross Geller: Correct. In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14? Chandler Bing: Oh! Ross Geller: Eww! No!! Her ear! All right, Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there? Joey Tribbiani: Everyday use. Chandler Bing: Fancy. Joey Tribbiani: Guest. Chandler Bing: Fancy guest. Ross Geller: Two seconds... Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, 11! Ross Geller: 11, unbelievable 11 is correct. All right, that's 4 for the guys. Ladies, you're up. Rachel Green: All right! Monica Geller: Come on! Ross Geller: 30 seconds on the clock. 5 questions wins the game. The lightning round begins...now! What is Joey's favorite food? Monica Geller: Sandwiches! Ross Geller: Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast? Rachel Green: 14? Ross Geller: No, 19. Chandler Bing: Thanks man. Ross Geller: Joey, had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was? Monica Geller: Maurice. Ross Geller: Correct, his profession was? Rachel Green: Space cowboy! Ross Geller: Correct! What is Chandler Bing's job? Rachel Green: Oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers. Monica Geller: And processing. Rachel Green: He carries a briefcase. Ross Geller: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game. Monica Geller: It's umm, it has something to do with transponding. Rachel Green: Oh-oh-oh, he's a transponce-transpondster! Monica Geller: That's not even a word! I can get this! I can get this! Monica Geller: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Rachel Green: Oh my God. Joey Tribbiani: I call Monica's room! Chandler Bing: You can't just call Monica's room. Joey Tribbiani: Sure I can, standard shotgun rules, I'm sight of the room and I called it. Monica Geller: Man, I feel like I'm coming down with something. Joey Tribbiani: What? Monica Geller: Yeah. I bet you can't guess what color my tonsils are? I'll bet the apartment! Chandler Bing: Oh, I would never bet this apartment. It's too nice. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey-ooh Pheebs, are they in there? Phoebe Buffay: Umm, yeah, uh-huh, they're implanted. Monica Geller: How do you feel? Phoebe Buffay: Well, freaked. 'Cause it turns out that the odds are really sucky. And! This is Frank and Alice's like only shot. Like, they are literally putting all of their eggs in my basket. Chandler Bing: Yeah, but I bet it works. Monica Geller: Really?! How much?! Phoebe Buffay: All right, I'm gonna go take a pregnancy test, right now. Joey Tribbiani: Oh wow! You can tell this soon. Phoebe Buffay: Well the doctor says it takes a couple days, but my body's always been a little faster than Western medicine. Rachel Green: Oh my God! I can't believe you guys are actually think you're moving in here! Chandler Bing: Well believe it baby! Rachel Green: Well I-I-I'm not moving. Joey Tribbiani: What?! Rachel Green: No, it was a stupid bet! We were just playing a game! Joey Tribbiani: You can't just ignore the bet! It's a bet! You bet and you bet and if you lose, you lose the bet! Monica Geller: Look Rach, we have to move. I mean if they had lost, we would've made them get rid of the birds. Right? Rachel Green: Noooo. Monica Geller: All right, look, I hate this as much as you, but if it makes you feel better, it's all your fault. Rachel Green: What?! Monica Geller: Chinadolor Bong, come on, we steal that TV Guide every week! Chandler Bing: I knew it! Rachel Green: I don't care, I'm not going anywhere. Chandler Bing: Cool, girl roommate. Monica Geller: Well? Phoebe Buffay: Nope, not knocked up yet. Monica Geller: It's only been a couple of hours, so just give it some time. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, all right. Meanwhile, I'm gonna do whatever I can to help this so, I'm just gonna y'know, lie it your chair, Y'know? Yeah, good, I'm let gravity y'know, do its jobs. Monica Geller: Hey, Rach, can you give me a hand with this box? Rachel Green: No! Put that box down! We are not going anywhere! This is my apartment and I like it! This is a girl's apartment! That is a boy's apartment, it's dirty and it smells. This is pretty. It's-it's so pretty! And look, and it's-it's purple! And I'm telling you, you with the steady hand, I am not moving, and now I have got the steady hand. Monica Geller: I'll take care of it. Rachel Green: That's right! You do what the hand says! Rachel Green: How did it go? Monica Geller: I lost our mattresses. Phoebe Buffay: "Are you in there little fetus? In nine will you come great us? I will buy you some Adidas." Monica Geller: Hey! Alice Knight: Hi, Phoebe! We were just at the drugstore and we got you a little present. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Oh. Frank Buffay Jr.: Umm, it's a lollipop and a uh, a home pregnancy test. Monica Geller: Hey, don't mix those up, you could really ruin that lollipop. Alice Knight: So umm, you feel like taking a test? There's only one question. Phoebe Buffay: All right, I will. No, I will. But umm, y'know just remember that it's still really early, okay so, if it says that I'm not pregnant, that doesn't mean that I'm not gonna get pregnant, okay and, and just please, just so I don't go completely nuts, just try not put all your hopes on this. Alice Knight: Okay. Frank Buffay Jr.: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: Great. Rachel Green: Y'know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, don't get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes! Rachel Green: That is not true. She did! She forced me! Monica Geller: Hey, we would still be living here if hadn't gotten the question wrong! Rachel Green: Well it stupid, unfair question! Ross Geller: Don't blame the questions! Chandler Bing: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us! Rachel Green: Will you stop calling it your apartment! Joey Tribbiani: But it is our apartment! Rachel Green: No it's not! Phoebe Buffay: You guys! You guys! You're gonna have a baby! They're gonna have a baby! Frank Buffay Jr.: MY SISTER'S GONNA HAVE MY BABY!!!!!!! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, but this can't be good for the baby. Everyone: Oh! Monica Geller: I can't find garbage bags! Rachel Green: Oh, I think I saw some in here. Monica Geller: What is it?! Rachel Green: I don't know! But maybe if we keep that drawer shut, it'll die. Monica Geller: I can't believe we're living here! Chandler Bing: What?! What-what is it?! Joey Tribbiani: Did you see the size of the closets?! Chandler Bing: I can't believe we live here!
Chandler Bing: Okay, she is the star of the play. And she is my girlfriend! I get to have sex with the star of the play! Ross Geller: People can hear you. Chandler Bing: I know!! Chandler Bing: Wow! She looks great. Doesn't she? Ross Geller: Yeah. Kathy's Co-Star: Hi! Kathy: Hi! Ross Geller: That is one good looking man! Chandler Bing: Is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat?! Kathy's Co-Star: Sooo, you've been doing this long? Kathy: No, you're my first. Put the money on the table. Kathy's Co-Star: Oh, yeah! Ooh, that's nice. Ross Geller: Dude! Kathy's Co-Star: Is that an expensive blouse? Kathy: If you want it to be. Ross Geller: Here's your girlfriend's button. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hey, Mon, do you still have your like old blouses and dresses from high school? Monica Geller: Yeah, I think I have some around here somewhere. Why? Phoebe Buffay: Well, it's just that maternity clothes are so expensive. Monica Geller: Hey, Rach! I made a pile of your stuff over on this side of the room. If you could just...throw your purses at it. Rachel Green: Bloomingdale's eliminated my department. Monica Geller: Oh my God, are you out of a job? Rachel Green: No, but they stuck me in personal shopping. Which is just a huge step down! Phoebe Buffay: Personal shopping? What is that? Like where you walk around with snooty rich people and tell them what to buy? Rachel Green: Uh-huh. Phoebe Buffay: That sounds great! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Monica Geller: Umm, excuse me, we switched apartments. You can't eat are food anymore, that-that gravy train had ended. Joey Tribbiani: There's gravy? Monica Geller: If you have the big apartment you have to deal with people coming over all the time. That fridge has got to be stocked, okay, that's your department now. Monica Geller: What are you doing? Joey Tribbiani: I think I left a donut up here. Ross Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh! How was Kathy's play? Ross Geller: Well, Kathy gets half-naked and simulates sex with a real good lookin' guy. Chandler Bing: Yeah, it's like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it! Phoebe Buffay: That's a good idea for a business! Chandler Bing: I'm totally screwed. Okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night, and then they're gonna go to their cast parties and he's gonna try to undermine me. Y'know it'll be like, "So where's your boyfriend, what's-his-name, Chester?" And she'll go, "No-no-no, it's Chandler." And he'll go, "Whatever. Ha-ha-ha-ha!" Joey Tribbiani: That-that is a good trick. Chandler Bing: All right, look, look, what am I gonna do? Joey Tribbiani: Chandler, look they're actors. They're there to do a job, just 'cause they work together, doesn't mean they're gonna get together. I mean just 'cause it happened with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, it doesn't mean it's gonna happen with them. Ross Geller: Oh-oh, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. Joey Tribbiani: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Ross Geller: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood. Ross Geller: They're not a couple! Phoebe Buffay: Oh-okay, I get the game now. Joey Tribbiani: Okay look, look, let me ask you a question, when they were doing it on stage, was it like really hot? Ross Geller: Oh yeah! Joey Tribbiani: Well okay, so then you're fine. The rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. Okay? So as long as it's hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. It's when the heat goes away, that's when you're in trouble. Chandler Bing: Really? Joey Tribbiani: Look, you guys have been to every play I've ever been in, have I ever had chemistry on stage? Ross Geller: No. Joey Tribbiani: Noooo!! Chandler Bing: So uh, man, are you gonna go to the play with me tonight? Ross Geller: Y'know what, I don't know how comfortable I am going to see how hot the sex is between some guy and your girlfriend. Chandler Bing: Yeah, I know but... Ross Geller: Oh no-no-no, I'm there. Monica Geller: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey Mon! Want some pancakes? Monica Geller: You made pancakes? Joey Tribbiani: Yep! Grab a plate. Monica Geller: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: No-no, stay right there. Gettin' closer. Chandler Bing: Okay, okay, but don't worry, because we also have cereals, muffins, waffles, and, jams, jellies, and marmalades. Which I'm fairly certain are the same thing. Joey Tribbiani: Listen also we're uh, we're watching the game here Saturday night, if people want to come over. Ross Geller: Oh yeah! Monica Geller: Oh, I was thinking about having people over for the game. Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, who's playing? Monica Geller: The players. Ross Geller: Somebody seems to be missing being the hostess. Monica Geller: Please, it's a relief is what it is, is what it is. Joey Tribbiani: All right Pheebs, stick out your plate! Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Rachel Green: Monica, I'm quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didn't even buy it! I'm telling you I'm quitting! That's it! I'm talking to my boss right now! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. Oh! Mr. Waltham, I ah really need to talk to you. Stephen Waltham: In a moment, please, I'm in the middle of a task. And you have a customer. Rachel Green: Hi! Joshua Burgin: Hi, I'm Joshua. Rachel Green: Hi, I'm Rachel Green. What can I do for you Joshua? Joshua Burgin: Well, I need a whole new wardrobe. My wife, well my ex-wife... Rachel Green: Oh, I'm so sorry. Joshua Burgin: Anyway, she burned all of my clothes. I got away with two things. This suit and what turned out to be a skirt. Rachel Green: Well, at least that's a great suit. Joshua Burgin: Yeah, but it wasn't much fun dropping it off at the dry cleaners in the skirt. So I need everything down to underwear, so if you're willing, I'm all yours. Rachel Green: Okay. Stephen Waltham: Rachel, you needed to speak to me? Rachel Green: No-no, that wasn't me! Well, we should get started. Let me show you my underwear. The selection of underwear we carry. Rachel Green: Oh-oh, sorry, it's this way, it's this way. Joshua Burgin: It's this way? Sorry. Chandler Bing: I'm right! Right? There was like no chemistry between them. Before they had heat, and now there's no heat! Now you know what this means, Joey told us what this means! Ross Geller: All right, let's not jump to any conclusions. All right? There was some sexual chemistry between them. Chandler Bing: Come on, it was like cousins having sex up there! Ross Geller: Here she comes. Don't say a word, okay? Just be cool, don't be...y'know you. Kathy: Hey you guys! Ross Geller: Hey! Kathy: Hi! Thank you so much for coming again. Did you like it tonight? Ross Geller: Oh, absolutely! Kathy: Wasn't Nick funny when he couldn't get his match lit? Kathy: It's a good play, isn't it? Chandler Bing: Oh, I loved the play. You were great, and Nick ditto. Clearly you're having sex with him. Ross Geller: Okay, I... Kathy: Clearly, I'm having sex with him? Chandler Bing: Oh come on, it was so obvious! There was no chemistry between you two! Kathy: Okay, so let me just get this straight. You're accusing me of cheating on you, and insulting my performance? Chandler Bing: Y'know, I-I could see how this could happen, y'know you're up there every night, you're naked, touching, kissing. Kathy: Acting! Chandler, this is my job! I'm-I'm playing a part in a play! How can you not trust me?! Chandler Bing: Well, you can understand, given how we started. Kathy: Oh, wow. I can't believe you're throwing that in my face. Chandler Bing: Well, that is what happened, and I don't even see you denying this! Kathy: I'll tell you what, Chandler, why don't you call me when you grow up! Chandler Bing: Yeah, well, don't expect that to happen anytime soon! Rachel Green: I have the best job in the entire world! The most adorable guy came over today, and I got to dress him up all day! Phoebe Buffay: Rachel has a new doll. Rachel Green: Oh, I wish he was a doll, then I could get a Rachel doll and bump them together and make kissy noises. Oh! And he has the most beautiful name, I never realised it, Joshua! Josh-u-a! Joshua! Josh. Ross Geller: Uh, hello! Rachel Green: Hi-e!! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, what do I smell? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know, it smells good. Monica Geller: Fresh cookies! Hot from the oven! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh! Monica Geller: Please, have some! Ross Geller: Oh, yumm! Monica Geller: Yeah, I've just been fiddling around in here making delicious treats for everyone. Joey Tribbiani: Wow! The new Playboy! Monica Geller: Yeah, it's just something I picked up. Ross Geller: Cookies and porn, you're the best mom ever!! Phoebe Buffay: What? What? Rachel Green: Well, it was just something Josh said about v-necks, but you had to be there. Ross Geller: Yeah, how does Jason look in a v-neck? Rachel Green: It's Joshua. Ross Geller: Oh, whatever. Monica Geller: Wait! Wait! This isn't take-out! Phoebe Buffay: Well, I hate to eat and run, but... Monica Geller: No, wait, please don't go! I've got porn for you too! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I don't need it. Monica Geller: People are supposed to wanna hang out here! Rachel Green: Why? Honey, what is the big deal? Monica Geller: I'm the hostess! Not those guys! I'm always the hostess! I mean, I was always the hostess, I mean even when I was little, I mean the girls brought their dollies to my tea party, I-I served the best air. Phoebe Buffay: Well, why did you make like a whole big thing out of y'know, everyone has to hang out in the big apartment? Monica Geller: 'Cause they took our apartment, I wanted to punish them. But I'm-I'm done now. They've suffered enough. Phoebe Buffay: If you wanted to punish them, you should've just made them hang out here! Rachel Green: Yeah, that's true. Monica Geller: All right then, when I'm done with this place, it's gonna be ten times better than that place! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, are we gonna trash that place? Chandler Bing: Steps! Slut! You will all be very happy to hear that Kathy is sleeping with that guy! Everyone: What?! Ross Geller: So you were right? Chandler Bing: I confronted her, and she didn't deny it! I don't live here! Ross Geller: Chandler! Rachel Green: Chandler, what did she say? Phoebe Buffay: Wait a minute. Joey Tribbiani: Come here. Monica Geller: Are you sure? Chandler Bing: Well, I may be drunk, but I know what she said! Then I went over to Beefsteak Julie's... Rachel Green: Beefsteak Charlie's? Chandler Bing: Yes! See you and I have always been like- Rachel Green: Whoops. Oh, hey, do you need help with that? Monica Geller: Nah, I got it. Rachel Green: Ooh, I just feel bad, I never vacuum. Rachel Green: Hi! Everyone: Hey! Rachel Green: So I was with Joshua for an hour today, and he has not asked me out. It's just so frustrating! Phoebe Buffay: Why don't you ask him out? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah, totally! That's such a turn-on! Rachel Green: Really? It doesn't seem desperate? Joey Tribbiani: Oh-ooh, that's the turn-on. Phoebe Buffay: He just got a divorce right? Rachel Green: Hmm-mmm. Phoebe Buffay: So he's probably really nervous around women, y'know? Maybe, you just have to make the first move. Rachel Green: Yeah but, I've never asked a guy out before. Phoebe Buffay: You've never asked a guy out?!! Rachel Green: No. Have you? Phoebe Buffay: Thousands of times!! That doesn't make me sound too good does it? Rachel Green: I don't even know how I would go about it. Joey Tribbiani: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you doin'?" Phoebe Buffay: Oh, please! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, how you doin'? Rachel Green: You know what, I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna call him up, and I'm gonna ask him out. I can do that. Ask him out. How you doin'? Hi! Joshua? It's Rachel Green from Bloomingdale's. Yeah, umm, I was wondering if you umm, if you umm, left your wallet at the store today? Well, we found a wallet, and we- the license? Well, that is a good idea! Uh, well, let's see here this says this license belongs to a uh, uh, belongs to a mister uh, Pheebs, and umm, yeah, so sorry to bother you at home. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye. You've done that a thousand times? Phoebe Buffay: I've never done that. Rachel Green: Ohh, God, I just got so nervous that he would say no. Joey Tribbiani: Well, you gotta give him something that he can't say no too. Like uh, Knicks tickets! Invite the guy to a Knicks game, you're guaranteed he'll say yes! Rachel Green: Really?! You think that will work? Joey Tribbiani: Absolutely! And if it doesn't, can I get the extra ticket? Joey Tribbiani: What the heck is that? Chandler Bing: Did she call? Phoebe Buffay: No, sorry. Chandler Bing: All right, maybe I should call her. Joey Tribbiani: No! Forget her, man! You don't need her, you don't need that! Ross Geller: He's right, what she did was unforgivable. Chandler Bing: Well, yeah, but y'know, what-what if I was wrong? Ross Geller: How might you be wrong? Chandler Bing: Well y'know, what if she didn't actually sleep with the guy? Joey Tribbiani: Dude, tell me she actually told you this. Chandler Bing: She did not have to tell me, I saw the play, and there was no heat. Back me up here, Ross! Ross Geller: That's all you're basing this on? Chandler Bing: That's not backing me up! Look, you said with the off-stage and the heat, and the onstage and the oy heat. Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! There's a lot of theories that didn't pan out. The lone gunman. Communism. Geometry. Chandler Bing: Oh my God!! Rachel Green: Would you like to go to a basketball game with me? You know, its funny, basketball, because I happen to have tickets too... Umm, who likes the Knicks- Joshua Burgin: What do you think? Rachel Green: Oh! Well, as a single woman, who is available, I think you look great! Joshua Burgin: Huh. Yeah? Rachel Green: Yep. Oh, yeah, look you great. Oh yeah. Yeah, this looks great. Umm, so you like it? Joshua Burgin: I do. I do. I love it. In fact, I think I'm gonna wear it home. Rachel Green: Great. Joshua Burgin: All right, thank you so much for all your help. Rachel Green: Sure. Joshua Burgin: Well, I guess this is uh, I guess this is it. Rachel Green: Yeah-eah-ha! Joshua Burgin: Thanks. Maybe I'll see in the spring, with the uh, y'know, for the uh, bathing suits. Rachel Green: Oh well, you don't want to do that now?! Joshua Burgin: Ah, that's okay, thanks. Rachel Green: Okay. Joshua Burgin: Anyway, hopefully, I'll see you around sometime. Rachel Green: Basketball! Joshua Burgin: I'm sorry. Rachel Green: I uh, I have two tickets to the Knicks game tonight if you're interested, just as a thank you for this week. Joshua Burgin: Wow! That would be great. Rachel Green: Really? Joshua Burgin: Yeah, that would be fantastic! My-my nephew is crazy about the Knicks! This is fantastic, thank you so much Rachel. Stephen Waltham: Good morning. Joshua Burgin: Hi! Kathy: Hey. Chandler Bing: Hey. I just, I just wanted to come over to-to say that I'm sorry. Y'know? I know I acted like the biggest idiot in the world, and I can completely understand why you were so upset. Kathy: Oh wow. I really wish you'd call me. Chandler Bing: Yeah, I know, I-I wish I had too, but y'know I-I think this is a good thing. Y'know? 'Cause we've had our first fight, and now we can move on. Y'know, I know for me- Nick's pants? Kathy: Yeah. Chandler Bing: Yeah. Well, I think our second fight is going to be a big one! Joey Tribbiani: Okay, for next time, what do you say? Rachel Green: I have an extra ticket. An extra ticket. Not, two tickets, I have an extra ticket. Ross Geller: So the first time you ask a guy out, he-he turns you down? Rachel Green: He didn't turn me down! He's at the game isn't he? I got the date, I'm just not on it! Monica Geller: Okay, it's ready. Come on. Joey Tribbiani: What's ready? Monica Geller: Just come. Ross Geller: Oh my God! Rachel Green: Wow! Monica! Phoebe Buffay: Great! Ross Geller: This is beautiful! Phoebe Buffay: Oh did you-what did you-did you work for two days straight? Monica Geller: Pretty much. So, what do you, what do you think of the floor? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know, it looks the same. Monica Geller: You used to have carpet. Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah! Monica Geller: So I made snacks. Please, just hang out okay? I'm just gonna rest my eyes just a little bit. Ross Geller: Look, Mon, do you want us to uh, come back later? Monica Geller: Oh no-no-no, stay, stay, stay, just keep talking. I'm always the hostess. Ross Geller: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: How'd it go? Chandler Bing: Well, she wasn't sleeping with him. Phoebe Buffay: Oh good! Chandler Bing: She is now. Ross Geller: What are you saying? Chandler Bing: I'm saying that she... is a devil woman! Y'know I mean you think you know someone and then they turn around and they sleep with Nick! Nick, with his rock hard pecs, and his giant man-nipples! I hate him, I hate her! Well, I don't hate her, I love her. This is all my fault really. Phoebe Buffay: How? How is your fault? Chandler Bing: Because, I-I should've called! Y'know if I had just called her after our big, stupid fight, she never would've gone out with Nick, and they would've ended up in bed together. I threw her at his man nipples! Rachel Green: Honey, this is not your fault, just because you guys had a fight, it does not justify her sleeping with someone. Ross Geller: Well, if-if she thought they were on a break... Stephen Waltham: Rachel, one of your customers seems to have left his billfold. A Joshua Bergen. Rachel Green: Really? Stephen Waltham: Will you call him? Rachel Green: Yes! I will! Absolutely! Hello, Rachel. Hi, Joshua. I left my wallet here on purpose. Really? Yes, I just wanted to see you again. Oh, I'm glad. Rachel, I'd like to say something to you. Yes? How you doin'?
Phoebe Buffay: So now, what is this now? Joey Tribbiani: Guggly worm. Phoebe Buffay: And this? Joey Tribbiani: Glow-pop giggly jammer. Phoebe Buffay: You make it so funny. Monica Geller: Hey umm, what's this? Joey Tribbiani: Ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year. Ross Geller: Ohh, Geller's got one hooked! Ohh! Looks like a big one! Yeah, ohh! Ohh! It's the classic struggle between man and- Someone knocked over a lamp. Joey Tribbiani: That's all right. Hey you guys, you know what's going to be great about the fishing trip this year? When my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with your life?" stuff. I can say, "Well, I'm doing a movie with Charlton Heston dad. What are you doing with your life?" Everyone: Great! Chandler Bing: You don't have to stop having fun just because I'm here. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you. Well, except you. Monica Geller: Hey, Joey, I don't think that you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it's only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week? Joey Tribbiani: Look, there's nothing I can do for him right now, he's still in his sweat pants, that's still Phase One. Y'know? I'll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two. Monica Geller: What's Phase Two? Joey Tribbiani: Gettin' drunk and going to a strip club. Rachel Green: How does going to a strip club help him better? Ross Geller: Because there are naked ladies there. Joey Tribbiani: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women. Ross Geller: There are naked ladies there too. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Chandler Bing: Would you give me one minute!! Please. Joshua Burgin: So, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week? Rachel Green: Um-hmm. There we go. There it is. Joshua Burgin: Oh! You know what I need? Rachel Green: Yeah! Joshua Burgin: Gloves. Brown, leather dress gloves. Rachel Green: Oh, okay. Uhh, well let's see. You're about-well uh, this one is large. And this one- Joshua Burgin: Also large? Rachel Green: Yeah! Okay, two larges coming right up! Joshua Burgin: Okay. Stephen Waltham: Rachel! Could I have a moment? Rachel Green: Yes. Stephen Waltham: I-I was wondering, my niece you see is in from London-well Shropshire really but y'know-well she's about your age I say. Anyway I have tickets for the opera, Die Fledermaus, and I was wondering if you'd like to keep her company this evening? Rachel Green: Sure. You got it. Great! Stephen Waltham: Oh, good. Rachel Green: Me, Fledermaus, great. I really- Stephen Waltham: Ohh! Yes of course, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much. Joshua Burgin: So... Rachel Green: So? Joshua Burgin: Gloves? Rachel Green: Ohh! Right! Right, sorry, I'll be right back! Joshua Burgin: Uhh, actually y'know what, I kinda-I have to take off. Rachel Green: Oh. Joshua Burgin: But, I was curious; do you have any plans for tonight? Rachel Green: No! Nothing! Joshua Burgin: I invested in this night-club and it's opening tonight, would you like to come? Rachel Green: Yeah! That would be great! Joshua Burgin: You're into hardcore S&M right? Rachel Green: Well, I-I guess-I... Joshua Burgin: Kidding! I'm gonna get there early, but I'm going to put you on the V.I.P list, okay? Look for me. Rachel Green: Yeah, great, you betcha! Stephen Waltham: I almost forget the tickets, didn't I? Rachel Green: What? Stephen Waltham: For you and Emily, tonight, Die Fledermaus. Rachel Green: Oh. Oh, right. Stephen Waltham: I think you'll like it, it has two out of the three tenors. Rachel Green: Oh yay! Chandler Bing: Y'know, I can't believe Kathy did this too me. I really, thought that she was the one. I tell you what, from now on I'm never getting out of this chair, ever! Okay? From now on, this chair is the one! You wanna what else is the one? My sweat pants! Ross Geller: Come on, man! Just-just take the sweats off. Okay? Just take 'em off and we'll have some fun. Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey! Ross Geller: Hi! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Ross Geller: Catch any big fish? Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God, you guys have no idea. Everyone: Oh! God! Wow! Monica Geller: You stink! Ross Geller: Are you kidding?! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus! I fell in that big tub of worms at the bait stand! Hey, how-how's he doing? Ross Geller: He hasn't gotten out of that chair in two days. Joey Tribbiani: Hey buddy! How's it going? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, see that? He just needed his pal to come home. All right, uh, I've got to go memorise my lines. Me and Charlton Heston bright and early tomorrow morning! Yeah-yeah! Rachel Green: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey! Rachel Green: Hey, Monica! Monica Geller: Uh-oh, what's the matter? Rachel Green: Ohh, it's Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight. But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb old opera. So... What are you gonna do? Monica Geller: I don't know sweetie. Rachel Green: No! Help me! Monica Geller: I can't! I have to work! Rachel Green: Phoebe? Phoebe Buffay: I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening. Rachel Green: Ugh! Phoebe Buffay: Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me. Rachel Green: Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is-I have to meet Joshua! This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y'know the "Wouldn't it be great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back? Monica Geller: No, Chandler's still in Phase One, and Joey's that thing you smell. Rachel Green: Ohh! Hi! Ross Geller: Hi! Rachel Green: So... Ross Geller: No. Rachel Green: Ohhhh, come on!!! Monica Geller: I think she's here. Rachel Green: No! Wait! Wait-wait! Ross, please! Ross Geller: You want me to take some girl I've never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, that-that is a toughie. Monica Geller: Ohh, she's looking down the hall. Oh! She looked right at me! Oh wait, you can't see people through that little hole, can you? Hello! Woman: Hello! Rachel Green: I'll be right there! Okay, Ross, please come on! I thought we have moved on! I thought we've gotten to a place where we could be happy for each other! I mean was that just me? Ross Geller: All right, I'll do it. Rachel Green: Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Emily? Emily Waltham: Yes. Rachel Green: I'm Rachel Green. Emily Waltham: Thank goodness. Rachel Green: There's been a teeny-teeny change in plans. It turns out that I'm not free tonight. So... Emily Waltham: Really?! Well, that's just lovely, isn't it? I must've missed your call, even though I didn't leave the flat all day. Rachel Green: Oh well, no I... Emily Waltham: Oh, no-no-no, that's not rude! It's perfectly in keeping with a trip that I've already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone who's got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum. Monica Geller: I-I-I think you look great. Emily Waltham: Good night, it was very nice to meet you all. Rachel Green: I'll get her. Ross Geller: Please hurry. Phoebe Buffay: Don't you just love the way they talk?! Phoebe Buffay: Ohh! Monica Geller: What? Phoebe Buffay: It kicked! I think the baby kicked! Monica Geller: Oh my God! Phoebe Buffay: Oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted. Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of here! Monica Geller: Oh wait, Joey, you can't go like that! You stink! Joey Tribbiani: Look, I know I feel asleep before I could shower and now I don't have time! They're just ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it. Monica Geller: Yeah. Run ten blocks, that'll help the smell. Rachel Green: Hey-whoa, slow down. No, keep moving. Wow! Monica Geller: So? How did it go with Joshua last night? Rachel Green: Well, I didn't see Joshua last night, but I did punch a girl in the face. Monica Geller: What? Phoebe Buffay: Why? Rachel Green: The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep. Phoebe Buffay: Ohh! So, did you get to meet her? Rachel Green: No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and she was all, "I'm Rachel Greep! I'm Rachel Greep!" and he let her right in. Monica Geller: So you hit her in the face? Rachel Green: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I can't believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me. Phoebe Buffay: Aww, Pheebs. Rachel Green: Honey, that's you're name. Phoebe Buffay: That's short for Phoebe?! I thought that was just what we called each other! Monica Geller: Hey! You're wearing pants! Chandler Bing: That's right! Where are the guys? I'm ready to get drunk and see some strippers. Monica Geller: It's 9:30 in the morning! Chandler Bing: They got a breakfast buffet. Monica Geller: Hello. Oh, hey Ross! Chandler Bing: Ooh, let me talk to him! Monica Geller: Oh-oh, my God! Chandler Bing: Well, can I just... Monica Geller: Shh!! Wait, what? Chandler Bing: She's shhing me! It's my phone and she's shhing me! Phoebe Buffay: Shhh!! Please! What's he saying? Monica Geller: He's with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont! Phoebe Buffay: What? Oh my God! Rachel Green: What? Who the hell is Emily- noooo!! Rachel Green: They're in Vermont!! How could this happen?! Chandler Bing: Ow! Rachel Green: How-how did end up in Vermont with that awful witch?! Chandler Bing: Maybe, she doesn't hit him all the time. Ross Geller: When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who wouldn't be miserable? I'm telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person. Emily Waltham: Ross! Come quickly! There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! Ross Geller: I've gotta go, there's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! Monica Geller: He had to go, there's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard. Rachel Green: I don't get this! She was horrible! Chandler Bing: Okay, I'm going to go stand over there. Monica Geller: Why do you care so much anyway? Rachel Green: I don't care! All right, y'know what I'm just upset that I'm getting nowhere with Joshua that-y'know what still, you do not meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont! Monica Geller: Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail. Rachel Green: Oh, y'know, would you just for once, not remember every...little...thing!! Chandler Bing: So y'know, uh, when's he getting back? Monica Geller: A couple of days. Chandler Bing: Y'know, I knew something like this was going to happen. Monica Geller: What are you doing?! Chandler! You can't just go back a phase! Chandler Bing: Yes you can. You're thinking about time, you can't go back in time. Phoebe Buffay: Well, look, why don't you just, why don't you do your Phase Two strip club thing with us. Monica Geller: Yeah, come on, we can be guys! Chandler Bing: No you can't. Phoebe Buffay: Come on! Let us be guys! Maybe we want to be guys! Chandler Bing: You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and wouldn't live as long. Phoebe Buffay: Y'know you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off and you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!! Chandler Bing: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Joey Tribbiani! I'm here! I'm here! The A.D: Calm down, we got time, we're running a little late. Joey Tribbiani: Look at that, Charlton Heston eating a liquorice whip! The A.D: Yeah, we loves 'em. I've never seen him with- Joey Tribbiani: Whoa! Yeah, what the hell is that? What smells so bad? The A.D: You. Joey Tribbiani: Y'know, I can see why you think that, but ah, actually, you know who I think it is? The A.D: You? Joey Tribbiani: No-no, it's uh, it's Heston. The A.D: What? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, the man wreaks! Smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and then ate some liquorice. The A.D: There's no way he smells, he's the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room. Joey Tribbiani: Really, a shower huh? And uh, which-which room might that be? The A.D: The one with "Heston" on it. Joey Tribbiani: Interesting. Monica Geller: Okay, I've got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties? Chandler Bing: No thanks, Mom! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, no umm, hi, that-that, you have to put that out, 'cause I'm pregnant. The Cigarette Smoking Guy: Well, maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club. Phoebe Buffay: Ha-ha, it's not my baby, ha-ha-ha! Monica Geller: Very good, so good. Phoebe Buffay: I really, really enjoyed it. Very exotic. Rachel Green: Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua didn't call. I mean you'd think he'd be worried about me not showing up at his club. Ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont! Phoebe Buffay: Come on! Look where you are!! Monica Geller: When you get a sec, another round of daiquiris. Phoebe Buffay: Remember, a virgin for me please. Monica Geller: Oh! And don't let me leave without getting the name of that carpet guy. Chandler Bing: Ahh, come on! Y'know what-y'know what, I think I'm just gonna go home and call Kathy. Phoebe Buffay: Well, if you think it will help. Chandler Bing: No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I'm gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I'm gonna get so drunk, I'm gonna wanna call Janice Phoebe Buffay: You should! How is she? Chandler Bing: Ohhh!! Monica Geller: I think somebody needs another lap dance. Charlton Heston: Hello! Who's in there? Joey Tribbiani: How ya doin'? Charlton Heston: Who in the hell are you? Joey Tribbiani: I guess you wouldn't believe me if I said I was Kurt Douglas, huh? Charlton Heston: Put some pants on kid so I can kick your butt. Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no, no, no, wait. You see, I'm an actor, Joey Tribbiani, I'm doing a scene with you today, and well, I stink. Charlton Heston: You're in this picture? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-yeah, I'm one of the cops that won't work with you 'cause you a lose cannon. Anyway, look, I'm really sorry, but I stink! Charlton Heston: Joey, right? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Charlton Heston: Every actor at one time or another-opp! Every actor thinks he stinks, even Lawrence Oliver at sometimes thought he stank, Bob Redford won't even watch himself. Joey Tribbiani: Oh no-no-no, you don't understand... Charlton Heston: Listen to me! Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, yeah. Charlton Heston: I don't know one actor worth his salt that didn't say at one time or another, "God, I stink!" Hell, I just did a scene out there, first take, I stunk the place up. But, the important thing you must remember, no matter how badly you think you might stink, you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my shower! Do you understand me?! Joey Tribbiani: Yes sir! Yes sir, I'm-I'm- Charlton Heston: Wait a minute! Take your pants. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Monica Geller: So, we did okay at the strip club, right? Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade! Rachel Green: I can't believe it! He still hasn't called. Phoebe Buffay: Who, Josh? Rachel Green: It's Joshua. Monica Geller: What, he doesn't like Josh? Rachel Green: No, I don't. Chandler Bing: All right, well I'm gonna put my sweats back on. Phoebe Buffay: Oh no! Wait! Wait! Okay, y'know what, you were right, you were right. We really weren't great at being guys, but you know why? Because we're girls. Chandler Bing: Yeah? Phoebe Buffay: And do you know what girls are really good at? Chandler Bing: Stripping! Phoebe Buffay: No, listening! Sit! Y'know, maybe it would just really, really help if you would just talk. Rachel Green: Yeah, come on! What's going in on in there? Monica Geller: Yeah. And y'know, if you wanna cry, that's okay too. Chandler Bing: Okay, look, I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave. Monica Geller: Come on! Chandler! Chandler Bing: Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause, Okay? Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn't picture myself with any of them. Monica Geller: They really were pretty, weren't they? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I really liked that fighter pilot one. Monica Geller: Oh, Candy! She was so spunky! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Monica Geller: Y'know, I think if I were going to be with a woman. It'd, it'd be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh, she was so petite. Rachel Green: See, I don't know, for me it would have to Chantal. Monica Geller: Oh, Chantal! Rachel Green: Oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! I mean when I stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh... Chandler Bing: Phase Three! I just achieved Phase Three! Monica Geller: Really?! Chandler Bing: I am totally picturing you with all those women! Monica Geller: That's-that's not Phase Three. Chandler Bing: Well, I'm there too! Rachel Green: Well, are we all together? Like in a group? Chandler Bing: Stop it! You're killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four! Phoebe Buffay: Oh! What is that? What is that? Chandler Bing: Where I don't want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!! Chandler Bing: Come on, let me see that smile. Joey Tribbiani: I don't wanna. Chandler Bing: Please? Joey Tribbiani: I wanted to go to the strip club! Chandler Bing: I know, I know, but you're gonna have plenty of chances. There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, all right. Monica Geller: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey-ooh so, how was Vermont? Ross Geller: Emily is...incredible. I mean there-there are no words to describe it, I mean the whole weekend was like a dream. Oh! And you! Rach! Rachel Green: Oh, hey! Ross Geller: Hey! You were so right! Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: Uh, what you said, about us being in a place where we could finally be happy for each other. Rachel Green: Oh, hmm. Ross Geller: I mean, I, I-I admit I-I wasn't quite there. Y'know, I mean the thought of you and that-that Josh guy... Rachel Green: Joshua. Ross Geller: Joshua...guy at that club, dancing and having a good time, the thought of it kinda...y'know. Rachel Green: Yeah, I... Ross Geller: But now! I'm there! I'm totally there! I'm-I'm finally where you are! Rachel Green: Oh, thank goodness! Ross Geller: Yeah, and-and thank you for Emily. Rachel Green: Oh, no problem. I'm so glad I could help. Happy for you. Ross Geller: Happy for you. Rachel Green: No, happy for you! Chandler Bing: All right ladies, here's what we're gonna do. You are gonna take off my clothes. You two, go get the oils. And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, "Chandler's the king! Chandler's the king!" Phoebe Buffay: I-I wanna be with her, I like her. Chandler Bing: Oh, that's fine! Go with your instincts, go with your instincts. Monica Geller: Wait, now, what am I doing again? Chandler Bing: Come on! Would you please pay attention, I could wake up at any moment! The Cigarette Guy: Hi, I'm Joshua, I'm here to pick up Rachel. Rachel Green: No-no-no, that' not Joshua. Chandler Bing: What do you want from me, I've never met the guy. So anyway, Rachel, I'm sorry you can't stay, but the rest of us have a lot of work to do. What are you doing? All right, listen, I've got to wake up!
Chandler Bing: Y'know, I can't believe I'm getting my nails done! And you said it was gonna be fun! Which it kinda is. Also, you said there would be other guys here. There are no other guys here! Rachel Green: Chandler, there's a guy right over there. Chandler Bing: That's a mailman! That's our mailman! Hi. How are ya? Rachel Green: Chandler, don't worry! This doesn't make you any less of a guy! That does! What am I sitting on? I hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off. Chandler Bing: Hey, you know who used to have nails like that? Rachel Green: Hmm. Woman: OH...MY...GAWD!! Monica Geller: Joey let me ask you a question. What does this light switch do? Joey Tribbiani: Ohh, Nothing. Monica Geller: Didn't it drive you crazy to have a switch and not know what it did? Joey Tribbiani: I know what it did! Nothing. Monica Geller: They wouldn't have put it there if it didn't do something! How can you not care? Joey Tribbiani: Like this. Rachel Green: Well, here's another question for ya. Uhh, do you know what that silver knob on the toilet does? Joey Tribbiani: Sure! It flushes it. Rachel Green: Okay, good. Now that since you know, when you come over would you mind actually using it? Chandler Bing: Hello! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Ah!! Rachel Green: Guess who we ran into today?! Monica Geller: Janice?! Chandler Bing: Isn't this amazing? Monica Geller: How have you been? Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh well, I'm divorced. Phoebe Buffay: Ohhh, wow. Janice Litman Goralnik: Yeah, I'm riding the alimony pony. Joey Tribbiani: And there it is. Janice Litman Goralnik: I just came up to say, "Hi!" Hi! And you, sweetie, I'll see you tonight. Chandler Bing: Okay. Bye. Janice Litman Goralnik: Bye. Chandler Bing: Bye. Janice Litman Goralnik: Bye. Chandler Bing: Bye. Janice Litman Goralnik: Bye. Chandler Bing: B-bye! Janice Litman Goralnik: Bye-bye. Chandler Bing: Bye. I can't stand the woman! Phoebe Buffay: What?! I thought you were crazy about her! Chandler Bing: Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personality-Well, they're all back! Y'know? And she's picked up like nine new ones! Joey Tribbiani: So what are you doing bringing her here?! There's people here! Chandler Bing: Don't worry about it. I'm taking care of it tonight. Rachel Green: You are not. You have never been able to break up with her. Chandler Bing: Well, I don't have to break up with her this time. We're not involved! I'm going to do a pre-emptive strike! I'm going to end it with her before it starts. My ass is like frozen! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes. I'm tellin' ya! Emily Waltham: I can't believe you really walk alone here! I mean, you hear such stories about New York. Ross Geller: No, it's really not that bad. I mean, I-I for one, feel perfectly safe. Ross Geller: Help! Help!! Help! Help!! Emily Waltham: No, no, no Ross! Ross, these are friends of mine from home. Liam, Devon, this is Ross. Devon: Hey, mate. Liam: How are ya man? Ross Geller: Oh hey, that was a good one, huh? Help! Help! Emily Waltham: So how are you? I've been meaning to ring you ever since I arrived but umm, well, I've been rather busy. Devon: Do you realise that we have not seen each other since the night of that U2 concert? Emily Waltham: Oh my God. I think you're right. Liam: Well, actually the last time you and I saw each other was that morning. Emily Waltham: Oh, Liam. Ross Geller: Oh, Liam. So uh, what, were you guys playing soccer or something-or should I call it football? Devon: We were playing rugby. Liam: In fact we're playing a game at the park tomorrow. You're welcome to play too if you want. Emily Waltham: Ross play rugby? I don't think so. Ross Geller: What's ah, what's so funny about that? Emily Waltham: Well I mean, you're American to start with. You don't even have rugby here. Ross Geller: Well, we didn't have freedom here until 1776, either so... Devon: So good then! We'll see you at Riverside Park at 2:00! Cheers! Liam: Cheers! Ross Geller: Cheers! Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh boy, I just love to sing! Chandler Bing: Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, look at us! Who would've thought that Cupid had a station at 14th Street Nails. Chandler Bing: Okay, we have to talk. I'm just getting out of a very serious relationship... Janice Litman Goralnik: I know! And I'm just getting out of a marriage, I mean talk about meant to be! Chandler Bing: Right! I just think that this is happening too soon. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, too soon, too schmoon. Face it honey, I am not letting you get away this time. Chandler Bing: I hear ya. But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas! Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh no! Where to? Too Paris? Chandler Bing: No! No! Not, Paris. Chandler Bing: Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? Yemen. That's right, yes, I'm being transferred to Yemen! Janice Litman Goralnik: When? Chandler Bing: I don't know exactly. Janice Litman Goralnik: Ugh, well I will just have to soak up every once of Chandler Bing until that moment comes. Chandler Bing: But I do know that it's some time tomorrow. Monica Geller: Done? Phoebe Buffay: Yep! Rachel Green: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! What's up? Monica Geller: This switch thing has been driving me crazy. So I turned it off and checked every outlet. Now, four of them don't work. Which means, one of them has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets that-that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on I just follow the noise and find out which one it is. Joey Tribbiani: I bet I stopped listening before you did. Rachel Green: Y'know, you-you also could've used uh, lamps and then followed the light. Monica Geller: Yeah, well, I'm using noise. Okay. All right! So, is everybody ready? Here we go. I hear something! I hear something! Where is it? Rachel Green: It's coming from Joey! Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, that's so freaky! Turn him off!! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, hey, could we put on the news? I think it might be raining. Ross Geller: Oh, just hold on a second. I'm watching this rugby thing on ESPN. I don't know what the big deal is. I'm man enough to play this sport. Joey Tribbiani: Dude, you're not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport. Janice Litman Goralnik: Hey there Ross! Ross Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Janice. Chandler Bing: Y'know uh, you didn't really have to help me pack. Janice Litman Goralnik: Ohh, well when you said all you were going to be doing between now and the time you leave is packing, you didn't really leave me much choice. Did you? Chandler Bing: Well, I-I thought I did but, I-I guess I did not! Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey, what's going on? Chandler Bing: Oh, I'm packing. Y'know I'm-I'm packing 'cause I'm moving to Yemen tomorrow. Joey Tribbiani: Thanks for telling me! Chandler Bing: I'm only going to pretend I'm moving to Yemen, it's the only way I can get rid off her. Joey Tribbiani: Ohhhh, good one! And Yemen that actually sounds like a real country. Janice Litman Goralnik: Chandler! Come on, I'm gonna show how to roll up your underwear and stuff it in your shoes. It's a real space saver. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I know, I do that 'cause it makes me look taller. Janice Litman Goralnik: Okay, Chandler, come on! Chandler Bing: Okay. Joey, trade lives with me! Joey Tribbiani: Nope. Man look at this! Ross, I can't believe you said you'd play rugby. I mean look how brutal this is! Ross Geller: Hey, I can handle it! All right? Rachel Green: Please, Ross, you-you got hurt playing badminton with my dad. Ross Geller: That's 'cause-'cause you're mom's dog kept-kept looking at me. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, Ross, look-look-look-look, look right here. That's called a scrum, okay? It's kinda like a huddle. Ross Geller: And is a hum, kinda like a scruddle? Joey Tribbiani: Ross! They're gonna kill you! Phoebe Buffay: Well, why are you doing this anyway? Ross Geller: Well, you should've seen the guy that she used to go out with. I mean, he's like Joe Rugby. Phoebe Buffay: You're kidding! And he plays rugby?! That's so funny. Ohh! I see how you did that. All right. Ross Geller: Anyway, she thought the very idea of me playing rugby with him was like hilarious. So I'm gonna show her how tough I really am! Rachel Green: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're right, you are a tough guy. You're the toughest palaeontologist I know. Joey Tribbiani: All right, come on look, Ross can take care of himself! It's not like he's...Chandler! Chandler Bing: Thanks! Ross Geller: Look, don't worry about me. Okay? I'll just stay real energetic and stay away from the ball. I'll uh, I'll be that guy right out of the circle. Everyone: Oh! Rachel Green: Oh, well maybe there was a dog lookin' at him. Joey Tribbiani: Ross-Ross-Ross-Ross! Stay away from that guy , and that guy . And that one-Dude! They're all huge! Ross Geller: They don't look any bigger than me! Joey Tribbiani: Well, maybe that's because you're closer to you. So you look bigger to you from where you are. Emily Waltham: I'm just going to say hi to the lads. All right? Ross Geller: All right. Emily Waltham: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: Hi. Phoebe Buffay: Whoa! I kinda liked it. Ross Geller: Okay, I know what I have to do. I've got to go Red Ross. Y'know, Red Ross! Joey Tribbiani: I totally don't know what you're talking about. Ross Geller: Come on! The time we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves and that one guy cut in line in front of us and I just lost it?! Screamed at him! Turned all red! Red Ross!! Joey Tribbiani: No. Ross Geller: You'll see. Emily Waltham: Liam, do me a favour. Tell the lads to go easy on Ross, it's his first time. Liam: You don't say! Emily Waltham: Good luck, babe. Liam: Ross! Ross! Come on! Get in here! Ross! Come on! Liam: Ross, come on! Get in the bloody scrum! Ross, get in! Ross Geller: JOEY!!!!!! Rachel Green: You...are...not going to believe it! Joshua came into work today, and guess what happened? Monica Geller: He asked you out?! Rachel Green: No. But I was showing him some cufflinks and I felt his pulse. Monica Geller: Saucy! Rachel Green: What are these? Monica Geller: Electrical plans for the building. Rachel Green: Okay, okay, okay should I be scared? Monica Geller: I know that switch does something, okay? So-so I went down to city hall and got these. All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in line for three hours. Rachel Green: Wow! If only more people knew. Chandler Bing: Y'know you, really didn't have to take me to the airport. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh please. Every moment is precious. Y'know? Besides, somebody had to ride in that other taxi with the rest of your luggage, and your friends don't really seem to care too much that you're leaving. Chandler Bing: Well, we're really not that close. Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye then. Janice Litman Goralnik: On no! No! It's not good-bye, I'm not leaving until you get on that plane. Chandler Bing: Okay. Then I guess it's just, wait here then. Hi. I need one fake ticket to Yemen. Ticket Counter Attendant: One ticket to Yemen? Chandler Bing: Oh no-no-no, no. No, no, no, I just, I just need a pretend ticket. Ticket Counter Attendant: I'm sorry sir, I don't understand. Chandler Bing: What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with? Ticket Counter Attendant: Are you travelling with a child? Chandler Bing: No. All right, y'know what, she's gonna think that I'm handing you a credit card, but what I'm really gonna do is hand you a library card. Ticket Counter Attendant: Ah, sir a ticket to Yemen is $2,100 and we don't take library cards. Janice Litman Goralnik: What's the matter? Is something wrong? Do you have to stay? Chandler Bing: American Express? Emily Waltham: I can't believe they're doing that to him! I told them to go easy on him! Phoebe Buffay: No offence but, y'know sometimes it's hard to understand you, y'know with the accent, so... Emily Waltham: That's just halftime, there's more of this. Ross Geller: Did you see me? I was pretty good, huh? That is one fun game! Emily Waltham: Right. Ross Geller: Hey, could you do me a favour? Could you just grab me a bottle of water? Emily Waltham: Okay. Ross Geller: Thanks. I-I think I'm dying. I really do. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, poor baby. Ross Geller: Tell my son that I love him. Excellent! Well, okay, I gotta have some more fun! Emily Waltham: Ross, they are killing you out there! Ross Geller: That's not true! Phoebe Buffay: She's right! You have to stop! Ross Geller: What? No! No, I'm not stopping. I'm Red Ross! Joey Tribbiani: Dude, if you go back out there, you're gonna be Dead Ross! Ross Geller: I don't care! I am not quitting! I insist on finishing this game! Emily Waltham: All right, all right, if you insist on doing this, at least let me help you. Ross Geller: No, God no! That is no place for a woman. Those guys will grab anything. Emily Waltham: No. That's not what I'm saying. I just may know a few things that might help you inflict some pain. Ross Geller: I like that. Emily Waltham: Yeah? Listen closely, Devon has got a weak ankle. Ross Geller: Huh? Emily Waltham: One swift kick and he'll back off. Ross Geller: All right, bad ankle, got it! Emily Waltham: And that big bloke with the beard, he has got a trick hip. Yeah. And uh, and David over there, I heard he doesn't wear a cup. Ross Geller: Yeah? I can use that, trick hip, no cup, okay! Okay! Emily Waltham: And uh, Liam, Liam's got bad knees. You hit him right and he'll go down like a lamp. Ross Geller: But-but, Liam's on my team. Emily Waltham: I don't care! You just get him! Ross Geller: I'm gonna go get him! Okay, I am going back in! Joey Tribbiani: The Red Ross! Okay. Rachel Green: Hey! Monica Geller: Hi! Rachel Green: What-what are-what are these? Monica Geller: Oh, just some pictures I made and hung up. I thought they'd brighten up the place. They do don't you think? Monica Geller: No-no-no, no! Monica Geller: I know that there's no hole there, I just really liked that picture. Rachel Green: Oh my God! Look at this! Monica Geller: Okay, but there is a wire back there! I mean that switch is connected to something! Rachel Green: I don't care! The wires have come loose in your head! Monica Geller: I just thought that if I could follow the wire I could find out what it did. Rachel Green: And did you?! Monica Geller: No. It disappears back there behind that baseboard. For a minute there, I thought it went downstairs. Monica Geller: But it didn't. Say hello to Mrs. Chatracus. Rachel Green: Oh my God. Mrs. Chatracus: Hello darling. Rachel Green: Hello, Mrs. Chatracus. Phoebe Buffay: Now, are you sure you don't want to go see a doctor? Ross Geller: Oh no! That-that'll just bring me down! This was great! I mean I-I-I was great! This is a great day! Y'know what? I'm buying everyone coffee. All right? If someone would just grab my wallet, it's in my pocket. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, sure. Ross Geller: No, not you. Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, look, your eye's still popping out a little, I'm gonna go get some ice. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, ice! I am so in the mood for ice! Emily Waltham: You were amazing out there. Ross Geller: Oh, I kinda was, wasn't I? Emily Waltham: Oh my God! Ross Geller: I made a man twice my size cry. I mean, I haven't done that since I was four and I washed my dad's Porsche with rocks. Emily Waltham: You really enjoyed yourself didn't you? Ross Geller: Please! Are you kidding? I-I hurt three huge men, I gave a guy a bloody nose-I mean I-I'm not proud of it but, I really am. And it's all because of you, wonderful, amazing you. Emily Waltham: I think you've got concussion. Ross Geller: No, no, I'm serious. Thank you. Emily Waltham: You're welcome. I'm sorry. Did I hurt you? Ross Geller: It's worth the pain. Y'know what, you know what? It's not. Ticket Counter Attendant: This is the final boarding call for Flight 664 to Yemen. Chandler Bing: Well, I-I guess I gotta go. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, my Bing-a-ling. I'll wait for you. Do you even know how long you're going to be gone? Chandler Bing: Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh. Well, I'll right you everyday. 15 Yemen Road, Yemen. Chandler Bing: Okay, good-bye. Good-bye. Janice Litman Goralnik: Chandler? Chandler Bing: No! Janice Litman Goralnik: Chandler! Chandler Bing: Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane! Janice Litman Goralnik: No! No! I wanna see you take-off. Chandler Bing: Well, I then guess I'm going to Yemen! I'm going to Yemen! When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you? Monica Geller: All right. The super couldn't figure out what it did. A $200 an hour electrician couldn't figure out what it did. I've had seven pretty serious shocks. I officially give up. Rachel Green: Thank God. Monica Geller: I guess Joey was right, it does nothing. Phoebe Buffay: See? I'm doing it. I am totally doing it. I lost it.
Monica Geller: What is it hon? Phoebe Buffay: I-I can't find anything that I want to eat! Everything I eat makes me nauseous! I'm telling you, being pregnant is no piece of cake-ooh! Cake! No. Monica Geller: Aww, honey I'm sorry. Phoebe Buffay: God! Ooh! What is that smell? It's coming from the bathroom. Ooh! Chandler Bing: Wow! Pregnancy does give you some weird cravings. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah? Phoebe Buffay: It's me. It's Phoebe. Listen there's something in here I want to eat, what-what smells so good? Joey Tribbiani: Is it the shampoo? It's guava. Phoebe Buffay: No! Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Wait-wait! Is it my bologna sandwich? Phoebe Buffay: Yes. Yes. Yes. I can't believe it! The baby wants bologna! Maybe he wants me to eat meat? I can't eat meat! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, wait-wait! Maybe it's a pickle?! Chandler Bing: What are you writing? Rachel Green: Well, Joshua's coming in tomorrow and since I don't have the guts to ask him out, I'm going to sell him a coat and put this note in the pocket. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah? Joshua, give me a call sometime, guys like you never go out of style-what did you throw away? Chandler Bing: Hi guys! Everyone: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, what have you guys been up too? Ross Geller: Oh, we went to see a collection of Victorian doorknobs and the Cupert-Hewitt museum. Chandler Bing: Without me?! Emily Waltham: My uncle dragged us there. But, it actually it turned out to be really interesting. Ross Geller: Yeah. Emily Waltham: They were so ornate and beautiful, I mean look at that! Monica Geller: I don't know how museums work in England but, here, you're not supposed to take stuff. Emily Waltham: I uh, I got it from the gift shop. They have really lax security there. It's a joke. Ross Geller: Bye. Emily Waltham: Right, I've got to be off, I'll see ya. Buh-bye then. Joey Tribbiani: Wow! You guys seem to be having a good time. Ross Geller: Oh yeah, she's-she's amazing. And-and she's so much fun. And! Y'know what? When I'm with her, I'm fun! I even signed up for helicopter classes. She's leaving in two days, I don't have to do it. Monica Geller: Oh no, two days, you must be bummed. Ross Geller: Yeah, she's got to go back to London. But you know what? I've been prepared for this from the start. We both knew we had two weeks together, and that's it. Y'know. Joey Tribbiani: Hey that's what all my relationships are like. Chandler Bing: Yes, but in Ross's case, they both know in two weeks that's it. Ross Geller: Pheebs! Everyone: Hey! Ross Geller: Hello! Hello! Phoebe Buffay: Yes! I know! I know! Yeah! So the baby is totally craving meat. This afternoon I tried tricking it, I made it a soy-burger to make it think it was getting meat, y'know? And I got nauseous. Chandler Bing: Maybe that's because soy-burgers suck! Phoebe Buffay: Being pregnant is tough on your tummy. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant lady glow. Phoebe Buffay: That's sweat. You throw up all morning, you'll have that glow too. Joshua Burgin: Okay! Rachel Green: Oh, here's that trench-coat that you wanted. Joshua Burgin: Oh great! Wow! Yeah, it's comfortable. Rachel Green: Yeah? Joshua Burgin: Man, I could really flash somebody in this thing. Rachel Green: Oh no-no, no-no, they don't want you to put your hands in the pockets until you are out of the store. Joshua Burgin: Why not?! Rachel Green: Well, that's because of a lot of... Joshua Burgin: Y'know, they ruin it for everybody. Rachel Green: I know! Joshua Burgin: Y'know, I wore that cashmere sweater on a date last night. Rachel Green: Oh? Joshua Burgin: Yeah, it was my first date since the uh, since the divorce. Rachel Green: Well, congratulations, so do you love her? Joshua Burgin: No, no, no, she's nice but, y'know, it just it made me realize that I'm just not, I'm just not ready to be dating, y'know? Rachel Green: Huh. Well, uh, that's uh, that's interesting. Joshua Burgin: Hey-whoa-hey-hey, what was that? Rachel Green: Oh, it's just an anti-theft device. Joshua Burgin: Then uh, what's-what's this? Rachel Green: You need that, you need that too 'cause obviously, a thief could just tear this up. Rachel Green: Oops, sorry. Listen, we-we have to have a party tonight! Actually, we have to have one in five minutes, so everybody cancel your plans. Chandler Bing: What are you talking about? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, what' going on? Rachel Green: We have to have a surprise Bon Voyage party for Emily. But it's actually for Joshua. Look, he said he's not ready to date, so I had to invite him to a party if I wanted to see him outside of work, and now I have the perfect opportunity to seduce him! Ross Geller: Well, as much as I'd like to meet Josh and warn him, Emily and I aren't going to be here. All right? I mean, she's going to come by first to say good-bye, and then I've got a whole special evening planned. So I'm sorry, no party. Joey Tribbiani: Awwww! Emily Waltham: Hello? Rachel Green: Surprise!!! Emily Waltham: No one's ever thrown me a surprise party before! Rachel Green: Well, it was all Ross's idea. Emily Waltham: You're so sweet! And I'm so surprised! Ross Geller: You really didn't know? Chandler Bing: Why are you in here if Joshua is all the way over there? Rachel Green: Uhh, because I'm trying to play hard to get. Oh, quick he's looking over here, say something funny. Chandler Bing: Like what? Joey Tribbiani: What-what-what is so funny? Chandler Bing: I said, "Like what?" Joey Tribbiani: Now that's a thinker. Rachel Green: Okay, y'know what, y'know what? This playing hard to get thing is not working. Umm, hand-hand me those cherries. Okay. Okay. Hi! Joshua Burgin: Hi! Rachel Green: Care for a cherry? Joshua Burgin: Oh, no thanks. Rachel Green: No? Y'know, I can tie one of these into a knot using just my tongue. Joshua Burgin: You okay? You all right? Ross Geller: So we should probably get going soon. Emily Waltham: Oh, but the party's only just getting started! Ross Geller: Yeah, but we-we have to be at the Four Seasons for drinks in 15 minutes and then y'know, then The Plaza for dinner. Emily Waltham: So why did you plan a party at the same time? Ross Geller: No-no-no, no, umm, actually American surprise parties are-are-are very short. It's usually, "Surprise!" And then, "Oh my God, I'm so surprised-good-bye!" Emily Waltham: But Ross, I'm such having a great time! Your sister has just been telling me that you used to dress up like little, old ladies and hold make-believe tea parties. Ross Geller: Monica said that did she? Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, yeah. Then what are you going to put on top of that? Joey Tribbiani: A little salami. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh yeah! Then umm, what goes on top of the salami? Joey Tribbiani: Pastrami. Phoebe Buffay: Oooh, yeah. You're a genius. Rachel Green: Oh, could somebody give me a hand with this zipper? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Rachel Green: Up! Monica Geller: You changed? Rachel Green: Yeah, I did. I needed my lucky dress. Monica Geller: And lucky means, more cleavage? Chandler Bing: Does for me. Rachel Green: Ohh, God! Look at him, he's so cute. I wanna go over there, grab him, and kiss him! How can I kiss him and not letting him know that I like him? Joey Tribbiani: Oh! I know how you can get him, take off your bra. Rachel Green: What? Joey Tribbiani: There was a seen in Footloose... Chandler Bing: Flashdance. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-yeah, yeah, with that-that uh, plumber girl... Chandler Bing: She was a welder. Joey Tribbiani: What? Were you like in the movie, or... Anyway, she takes off her bra under her shirt and pulls it out the sleeve. Very sexy, and classy. Monica Geller: Or if you want to kiss him, umm, you could use mistletoe. Rachel Green: It's not Christmas! Monica Geller: Or Spin the Bottle? Rachel Green: He's not 11! Emily Waltham: Thank you so much for this. It was really so thoughtful of you. Rachel Green: What? You're leaving?! Ross Geller: Yes, we have something we have to get to. Joshua Burgin: Uhh, yeah, I think I'm going to take-off too. Rachel Green: No! You guys can't leave yet! You have to stay, we-we got the whole big thing planned! Ross Geller: What big thing? Rachel Green: So, Spin The Bottle works like this I spin the bottle, it lands on Gunther, so I would have to kiss Gunther. (She crawls over to where Gunther is sitting and sees the look of anticipation on Gunther's face and decides not to kiss him.) All right. Who wants to go first? Emily Waltham: I'll go. Everyone: Yay! Joey Tribbiani: Welcome to America. Monica Geller: Two in a row! You've got to use your tongues now! Rachel Green: Yay! Emily! Chandler Bing: What are the odds? What are the odds? Ross Geller: Okay, that-that's enough! Y'know, let's, let's let someone else play. Joey Tribbiani: If you didn't want to play, why did you come to the party? Rachel Green: Okay, my turn!! Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God!! The baby just kicked! Everyone: Ohh! Rachel Green: It's okay! It's okay! It kicked once, it'll kick again! Everyone: Oh my God! Rachel Green: All right, well, everybody just remember where they were sitting. Rachel Green: Just a bug. Phoebe Buffay: Y'know it doesn't matter how much I'm craving it. Y'know why I'm never gonna eat meat? Because it's murder, cold blooded murder. Chandler Bing: Okay. Chandler Bing: There's a Phoebe on my sandwich! Joey Tribbiani: Phoebe, what-what are you doing?! Phoebe Buffay: I can't help it. I need the meat. The baby needs the meat. Joey Tribbiani: All right look, y'know how-y'know how when you're dating someone and you don't want to cheat on them, unless it's with someone really hot? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, totally! Joey Tribbiani: All right. Okay. Well this is the same kind of deal. If you're going to do something wrong, do it right! Joey Tribbiani: Feel better now? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but at what cost? Six more months, three meals a day, I'm gonna eat like, y'know millions of cows. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, what if I said, I could even things out for ya, meatwise. Phoebe Buffay: What? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I eat a lot of meat right? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Well, suppose until the baby's born I laid off it. No extra animals would die, you-you'd just be eating my animals. Phoebe Buffay: Joey, I can't believe you would do that for me. Joey Tribbiani: Absolutely! I could be a vegetarian. There's no meat in beer, right? Ross Geller: Okay, we could still make dinner if we skipped the appetisers and asked for our check right away. Emily Waltham: But, we can't go now. It looks like Rachel's gonna put on a skit. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Have you lost your mind? Rachel Green: No-n-n-n-no! I am finally thinking clearly. My lucky dress wasn't working out to well for me, but for four years, this baby never missed. Monica Geller: Rachel-Rachel-Rachel I-I cannot, I can't let-, actually I kinda want to see what happens. Joshua Burgin: Hey! Rachel Green: Hi! Joshua Burgin: Nice uh, costume. Rachel Green: Ohh, yeah, well I wanted to give Emily a big American good-bye cheer. So okay! Ready! Okay! Gimme an 'E!' Everyone: E! Rachel Green: Gimme an 'M!' Everyone: M! Rachel Green: Gimme an 'I!' Everyone: I! Rachel Green: Gimme an 'L!' Everyone: L! Rachel Green: Gimme a 'Y!' Everyone: Y! Rachel Green: What do you get? Emily!! Emil-Whoa!! Okay! So that's me as a cheerleader! Ta-dum! Rachel Green: I'm fine! I'm fine! I'm just losing a tooth, it's no big deal. I have a dentist! Y'know. I'm gonna go put some ice on it. Excuse me. What do I do now? What do I do now? Monica Geller: I think you're done. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, time to take off the bra. Joshua Burgin: Umm, that was really great, but I-I gotta take-off actually. Joey Tribbiani: Take the bra off. Rachel Green: All right, come on, let's go get your coat. Joshua Burgin: Okay. Gunther: Rachel is my girlfriend. Joshua Burgin: So, this was uh, really fun. Rachel Green: Oh, yeah! Real fun. Y'know, this bra... Really, bothers me. Y'know, this used to be my bedroom. Yeah. A lot of memories in here, a lot of memories. If these walls could talk, y'know what they'd say? Wanna hear some memories? Joshua Burgin: Need uh, need a little hand there. Rachel Green: Oh no-no-no! No, I got this all under control. Joshua Burgin: You really don't seem like you do. That's... Rachel Green: Ughhhh!! Forget it! This is, this is not how this is supposed to happen. Joshua Burgin: Well, what was supposed to happen? Rachel Green: Can you not look at me when I say this? I thought that if I could get you here, I could seduce you. Joshua Burgin: Huh. Oh, boy! Uhh, I-I don't wear suits to work, and I bought six of them from you. Rachel Green: Well, I'm sorry, I thought you needed them! Joshua Burgin: No, no-no, no-no, my point is that I kept coming back because, I wanted to see you. Rachel Green: Why?! Joshua Burgin: Because I-I like you. Rachel Green: You like me? Joshua Burgin: Yeah! I mean you're-you're beautiful and smart and sophisticated-a lot of this isn't based on tonight. Rachel Green: Yeah but-but-but you liked me! Oh my God, I can't believe this, all this time, I liked you and you liked me! Joshua Burgin: But... Rachel Green: Oh no-no-no don't say but! No-no, but's never good! Let's just leave it at, you like me and I like you. Joshua Burgin: Okay uh, however... Rachel Green: Oh, now see that's a fancy but. Joshua Burgin: My marriage like just ended, and I'm really not ready to get into anything yet. Rachel Green: But... Joshua Burgin: I'm sorry, I, I just need a little time. Rachel Green: Okay. Rachel Green: Ohh, here you are. I was looking for you before. Joshua's gone so you and Emily are free to go. Ross Geller: That's okay. She's still in there enjoying her fake party and uh, it's too late to do any of the things I had planned, so... Rachel Green: Oh, Ross, I'm sorry. I completely ruined your evening. Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I made a fool out of myself. Ross Geller: Helps a little. Rachel Green: Is there room on that step for a pathetic loser? Ross Geller: Yeah, have a seat. Rachel Green: I'm so sorry. Ross Geller: That's okay, I mean it was just two-week thing anyway, I just didn't want it to end this way, y'know? Rachel Green: Well, maybe you didn't want it to end? Ross Geller: What do you mean? Rachel Green: You seem to really like her. Ross Geller: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y'know no commitment. Rachel Green: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica's photo albums, I mean you don't do that if you're just in it for two weeks. Ross Geller: You think? Rachel Green: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and you're sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip. Ross Geller: Hey, you're right. Rachel Green: Yeah. Ross Geller: Thanks. What photo album was it? Rachel Green: I don't know, it was you and a bunch of albino kids. Ross Geller: Oh my God! Those weren't albino kids, that was computer camp! Rach! Rachel Green: Hey. Chandler Bing: Hey. Rachel Green: You're a pathetic loser, right? Chandler Bing: Oh-ho, yeah! Rachel Green: Sit! Joshua Burgin: Hi. Rachel Green: Oh my gosh, Joshua! Joshua Burgin: All those things I said about not being ready... Rachel Green: They're not true? Joshua Burgin: No, they're-they're all true. Rachel Green: Oh. Joshua Burgin: But... Rachel Green: Oh! Oh, I love that but. Rachel Green: You wanna go inside and have some coffee? Joshua Burgin: Yeah. Rachel Green: Okay. Every time. Joey Tribbiani: Oooh, what you got there? Phoebe Buffay: Pastrami. Joey Tribbiani: Oh-ho-ho, yeah! Hey! Y'know what goes good with that? Phoebe Buffay: Hm-mm, corn beef. Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, I was gonna say bologna, but that's much better. How about a little of that smoked turkey? Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: Oh mama! Uh when-when is the baby due? Phoebe Buffay: Six months. Joey Tribbiani: Ugh. Now if a cow should die of natural causes, I can have one of those right? Phoebe Buffay: Not if I get there first.
Mr. Treeger: Ohhh, man!! Joey Tribbiani: What is that? Chandler Bing: Treeger's snaking the shower drain. Mr. Treeger: What in the name of hell? Joey Tribbiani: Maybe he found you flip-flop. Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Whoa! Is this porn? What did I do? I must've hit something on the remote. Chandler Bing: Do we pay for this? Joey Tribbiani: No, we didn't even pay our cable bill-maybe this is how they punish us. Chandler Bing: Maybe we shouldn't pay our phone bill-free phone sex. Joey Tribbiani: Maybe we shouldn't pay our gas bill? Mr. Treeger: Whoa, hey, that lady's all kinds of naked. Chandler Bing: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on! Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and bam! It was like finding money. Chandler Bing: Like finding money with naked people on it! Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning off the TV, I never got it back again. And I'm sad. Joey Tribbiani: Why would he turn off the TV? Rachel Green: All right, y'know what, come on, do we really have to watch this while we eat? Chandler Bing: We don't know what could make this go away. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, so no one touches the remote. And no one touches the TV! Chandler Bing: And no one touches the air around the TV! Joey Tribbiani: Imagine a protective porn bubble if you will, okay? Monica Geller: Well at least, I'm going to mute it. Chandler Bing: We still have porn. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Monica Geller: Hi! Rachel Green: Honey, what are you doing? That's too heavy. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Rachel Green: Give it here. Oh, God. Monica Geller: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, I'm getting too pregnant for this, lugging around a stupid massage table. Y'know, I have to find a job where I carrying a smaller table. Chandler Bing: Or a job where you don't have to carry a table. Phoebe Buffay: You mean like a doctor? Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs! You're blocking the porn! Look out! Phoebe Buffay: Ohh! Oh my. Oh, that reminds me, I have to see my OB-GYN today. Ross Geller: Hi. Monica Geller: Hi. Ross Geller: So uh, Emily just went to the airport. Monica Geller: Oh. Why didn't you take her? Ross Geller: Eh, her-her uncle already had planned on doing it. And y'know, we-we said our good-byes this morning, so... Monica Geller: You must feel horrible. Hey! The guys have free porn! Ross Geller: Nah. Monica Geller: Hey, cheer up! You're gonna see her again, right? Ross Geller: Well I, that's the thing, I don't know! I mean, whenever I brought it up with her she said, "This is so fantastic! Why do we have to talk about the future? Let's just enjoy..." Monica Geller: No-no-no, don't-don't do the accent. You've got to see her again. Ross Geller: And why do you care so much? Monica Geller: Because! You could get to live out my fantasy! Ross Geller: You had fantasies about Emily? Monica Geller: No! Y'know, the fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land, fall in madly love, and spend the rest of your lives together. Ross Geller: Is that why in junior high you were the only one that hung out with that Ukrainian kid? Monica Geller: Yeah that, plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything! Ross Geller: Ahh. Monica Geller: Do you love her? Ross Geller: We said it was only going to be two weeks, y'know? Monica Geller: You love her! Ross Geller: What-what is love really? Monica Geller: Ohhh, I knew you loved her! Then you need to go to the airport and tell her. You're probably just gonna catch her just as she's about to go to the gate. You're gonna call out her name and say, "I love you!" And she's gonna say, "I love you, too!" And you guys are going to have the most amazing kiss, everyone at the gate will applaud. Ross Geller: I am a good kisser. Monica Geller: Then you two can, can sneak into the cockpit, and things will start to heat up, and then a stewardess comes in... I've been watching too much porn. Rachel Green: Is that the heartbeat? The Doctor: That's it. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Rachel Green: Oh wow! This is so cool. The Doctor: Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births? Phoebe Buffay: Why don't take care of this one, and should I get pregnant again, I'll hold onto your card, okay? The Doctor: No, I'm getting three separate heartbeats. Phoebe Buffay: Three? You guys were worried I wouldn't even have one! The Doctor: Doctors are wrong all the time. Phoebe Buffay: Well, yeah. Rachel Green: Well, so, are-are you sure that there are three?! The Doctor: Definitely. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!! So I-I mean so in a few months I'm going to have three full grown babies just walkin' around inside me?! Oh! Oh! And it's gonna be one of those log rides where they just come shooting out! The Doctor: Actually, giving birth to three babies isn't that different from giving birth to one. Phoebe Buffay: What do you know?! Alice Knight: Oh-oh, Phoebe! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh! Hi! Alice Knight: Hi! So, how did it go at the doctors? Phoebe Buffay: Oh well, okay, hey, y'know how when you're umm, you're walking down the street and you see three people in a row, and you say, "Oh, that's nice?" Frank Buffay Jr.: Yes. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, yeah well, good news, you're going to have three babies. Alice Knight: Three babies? Frank Buffay Jr.: I finally got my band! Alice Knight: We're gonna have a big family, I've always wanted a big family! Phoebe Buffay: Oh God, I'm so glad you guys are happy, I was so afraid you were going to be all freaked. Frank Buffay Jr.: Why would we be freaked? Phoebe Buffay: No, no maybe 'cause it's harder to raise them, and the added expense, and... Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh. Alice Knight: Right. Phoebe Buffay: No, back to happy. Back to happy! Alice Knight: No-no-no, no, it's going to be fine. Because umm, because I teach Home Ec, and uh, I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long. Y'know it'll-it'll be like my very own little sweatshop. Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, I've been thinking ever since you said we were having triplets, the best thing for me to do is to drop out of college and get a job. Alice Knight: No, Frank. Phoebe Buffay: No you can't quit college! No! You're in college? Really? Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, refrigerator college. Alice Knight: Yeah. Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, y'know when we found out we were going to have a baby, y'know I figured y'know like I should y'know have like a career-and I love refrigerators! Phoebe Buffay: You can't give up on your dream. Frank Buffay Jr.: No, it's okay. We're-we're gonna have three kids! And that's-that's a different kind of dream. Three kids and no money. Ticket Agent: This is the boarding call for Flight 009. Ross Geller: Emily! Emily Waltham: Oh my God! What are you doing here? Ross Geller: I just, I had to see you one more time before you took-off. Emily Waltham: You are so sweet. Ross Geller: That's, that's, that's a big candy bar. I had the most amazing time with you. Emily Waltham: Me too. Ticket Agent: This is the final boarding call for Flight 009. Emily Waltham: Well, that' me. Here, have this. I'm only allowed one piece of carryon anyway. Ross Geller: Wait uh, listen. I-I, I have to tell you something. Umm, I've been thinking, I'm just gonna come out and say it. Okay? I-I-I ah, I-I think I love you. Emily Waltham: Oh. Thank you. Ross Geller: That's no problem. Rachel Green: What's that song? It has been in my head all day long. Chandler Bing: It's the theme from Good Will Humping. Rachel Green: Y'know who doesn't even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend Joshua. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah right. Rachel Green: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination. Chandler Bing: Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy? Rachel Green: Yes! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, he likes porn. Monica Geller: Where ya going? Rachel Green: I'm going to find out if he really thinks supermodels are too skinny. Hey, Pheebs! Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Monica Geller: How did it go with Frank and Alice? Phoebe Buffay: Well, Frank has to quit college because his super fertile sister is having three babies! I need to make a lot of money really fast, and I had an idea that I want to talk to you about, 'cause you work for a big company. Okay, insider trading, what information is there that you can give me. Chandler Bing: They don't really talk to us about that kind of stuff. I can get you some free white out though. Monica Geller: Ohh! Did you do what I said? Did-did-did you tell her? Ross Geller: I did. Monica Geller: And well, what did she say? Ross Geller: Thank you. Monica Geller: Oh, you're totally welcome! What'd she say? Ross Geller: She said, "Thank you." I said, "I love you." And she said, "Thank you." Chandler Bing: Whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, what were you trying to get her to do?! Ross Geller: What do I do now? Joey Tribbiani: You play hard to get. Ross Geller: She already lives in London. Joey Tribbiani: Then you go to Tokyo. Chandler Bing: All right look, forget it, forget it. You told her you love her, it's over. Monica Geller: It is not over! You're over! Chandler Bing: What? Monica Geller: You know! Chandler Bing: Okay. Good one. Monica Geller: It is not over because she is going to call you and tell you she loves you. And the reason why she couldn't, is because her feelings were so strong, it scared her. Now you go home and wait for her call, she could be calling you from the plane! Come on now go! Go! Ross Geller: Okay! Okay! But if she doesn't call, it is definitely over! No, wait. Wait. Unless, eventually, I call her, y'know just to she what's going on, and, and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over. Joey Tribbiani: Way to be strong, man! Rachel Green: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a porn break. We spent the last two hours watching In & Out & In, Again. Rachel Green: Well, so, why don't you just turn it off? Chandler Bing: Because then we would be the guys who turned off free porn. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, good, you're hear! Okay. Monica Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Rachel Green: Well, what-what 'cha got there? Phoebe Buffay: Oh this, well I'm glad you asked. Now, don't you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? Ahh! Now, I know what you're thinking... Chandler Bing: Pregnant Woman Slays Four? Monica Geller: Phoebe, they didn't make you pay for those knives, did they? Phoebe Buffay: No! Monica Geller: Are you sure? Phoebe Buffay: No! Rachel Green: Honey, you're not gonna make enough money to help Frank and Alice just by selling knives. Phoebe Buffay: No-no, I know that, but I just have to make enough money for the second part of my plan. Chandler Bing: What's the second part of your plan? Phoebe Buffay: My Saturn dealership. Ross Geller: Hello? Emily Waltham: Ross. Ross Geller: Emily, hi! Uh, how-how was you flight? Emily Waltham: It was dreadful. I felt terrible about how I acted when you said those wonderful things. Ross Geller: No, no, that-that, that's all right. Umm, I'm just glad you called. Emily Waltham: Ross umm, there's something that I've got to tell you, there's-there's someone else. Ross Geller: Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America? Ross Geller: She doesn't know which one of us she wants, me or this Colin guy. Monica Geller: This isn't how it's supposed to go, there can't be another guy. Ross Geller: Well... Monica Geller: Of course there's another guy!! This is even more perfect! Now you have to prove your love! Ross Geller: I'm not proving anything. Okay, I'm done listening to you. If I hadn't let you talk me into going to the airport in the first place, I never would've put my fist through the wall! Chandler Bing: You put your fist through the wall? Ross Geller: No, I missed and hit the door. But, it opened really hard! Monica Geller: You have to go to London! Ross Geller: What? Monica Geller: Yeah, you have to go fight for her! Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, sure, that makes sense. Yeah. 'Cause you already told her you love her and she didn't say it back, then she called you and told you that there's another guy, so yeah, go to London that'll scare her! Monica Geller: When Rachel was with Paulo, what did you do? Ross Geller: I made fun of his accent. Monica Geller: You sat back and let him have her, you didn't fight at all. Am I right? Do you want the same thing to happen with Emily? Ross Geller: No. Monica Geller: All right then, go fight for her! Go to London! I mean, that could be you and Emily! That, but-but nicer. Just, go to London! Ross Geller: Really? Monica Geller: Come on! Surprise her! Show up at her doorstep! Don't let her go without a fight! Ross Geller: All right. All right, I'm gonna do it! Monica Geller: All right. Ross Geller: I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to London and I'm going to fight for her. Monica Geller: Okay, good luck! Joey Tribbiani: Ross! Ross! If you're going to the airport, could you pick me up another one of those Toblerone bars? Rachel Green: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh-Ooh! I did it! I did it! I figured out a way to make money! I'm gonna open up my own massage place and Frank's gonna help me! And! We can work it around his schedule so he doesn't have to quit school! Monica Geller: That's sounds great, but how are you going to afford it? Rachel Green: Well, we were walking down the street and we saw that van that you guys used for catering and we realised... Phoebe Buffay: I'm telling it! I'm telling it! Rachel Green: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. You know how people need transportation, but they also need massages to help them relax so I just figured we could combine the two, okay, I give the massages and Frank drives! I can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know what I've got? Chandler Bing: A place where no one will ever get out alive? Phoebe Buffay: No! Think about it, it's a taxi that people take when they need to relax, it's... Rachel Green: Relaxi-Taxi! Phoebe Buffay: The name was my favourite part! Rachel Green: Well, well I can up with it! Phoebe Buffay: YOU DID NOT!!!! Oh! No! You came up with Relaxi Cab! That's not good. Rachel Green: Well, I... Monica Geller: Hello. Ross Geller: Hey. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Ross, are you in England? Was Emily surprised? Ross Geller: No, because she hasn't come home yet. And she hasn't been home all night! She's obviously staying with that other guy, and I'm the stupid moron who spent the whole night outside her apartment! Monica Geller: All right. When is, when is the next flight out? Ross Geller: About four hours. Monica Geller: Okay, just stay there a couple more hours and if she doesn't show up by then, then just come on home. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, tell him about Relaxi-Taxi, and-and ask him if he thinks that's better than Relaxi Cab. Rachel Green: Okay, it's not Relaxi Cab. It's Relaxicab, like taxicab. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, that is better. Chandler Bing: Are we in London? Monica Geller: What are you doing here? You can't be here! Emily Waltham: I've uh, I've come to talk to Ross. Emily Waltham: What? Joey Tribbiani: Nothing. No, nothing. Emily Waltham: I was going to call him, but... Monica Geller: Oh, you came to tell him you love him! I knew it! I was right! I'm right, right? Emily Waltham: I'd really rather talk to him. Monica Geller: Oh. Emily Waltham: I uh, I've been to his apartment and he wasn't there, and uh. I need to talk to him, so do you have any idea where he is? Emily Waltham: Ross, are you there? Ross, I don't know if you can hear this but... I'm gonna talk anyway, uh, I'm in the States with you sister and your friends and it's all over with Colin. I came here to tell you that, and to tell you-Yes, Joey you can have all the chocolate you want, just take it! Uh, I came here to tell you that I love you. Ross Geller: I love you too! I'm, I'm gonna call you right now from the phone booth! You can't hear me. Emily Waltham: I wish I could know if you'd heard any of that. I suppose I've either just told you I love you or given my neighbours a good laugh. Mrs. Newman if you're listening, bugger off this in none of your business. I suppose there's not much chance you did heard that, and there's the call waiting so, I should go. Oh well. Hello. Ross Geller: Hi. Emily Waltham: Ross, I love you! Ross Geller: Ohh! Thank you. Chandler Bing: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Chandler Bing: I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault. Joey Tribbiani: Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza delivery guy come over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves! Chandler Bing: What, no, "Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?" Joey Tribbiani: Noo! Nothing! Chandler Bing: Y'know what, we have to turn off the porn. Joey Tribbiani: I think you're right. Chandler Bing: All right, ready? Joey Tribbiani: One. Chandler Bing: Two. Both: Three. Joey Tribbiani: That's kinda nice. Chandler Bing: Yeah, that's kinda a relief. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Chandler Bing: You wanna see if we still have it? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Chandler Bing: FREE PORN!!! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!! Chandler Bing: We have free porn here!!!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Wow, it is true what they say, pregnant bellies look like a drum. Phoebe Buffay: Ha-ha. No, it's just I'm so pregnant that I-my guitar doesn't fit anymore. So I thought 'til I'm not, I'm just gonna play all my songs on this drum. It sounds really cool! Chandler Bing: All right. Phoebe Buffay: Listen. Listen. Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Joey Tribbiani: Wow, Pheebs! That sounds great! Phoebe Buffay: I know! I know, and I've only been playing for like an hour! Alice Knight: Phoebe! Phoebe! Hi! Hi! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! What are you doing here? Alice Knight: Umm, actually, I came down to ask you a big favour. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well, don't tell me you want to keep more of your stuff in my uterus. Alice Knight: No. No. No. Okay, now, see, I wanna name the girl baby Leslie, and Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank JR. JR. Chandler Bing: Wouldn't that be Frank the III? Alice Knight: Don't get me started. Anyway, umm, since there are three babies and umm, we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honoured if you named the other boy baby. Phoebe Buffay: Wow! That's so great! Oh! Oh! Cougar. Alice Knight: You think about it. Emily Waltham: I left a bra drying on the shower rod, you don't think your son will think it's yours and be horribly traumatised? Ross Geller: Hey, if mommy can have a wife, daddy can have a bra. Emily Waltham: Ohh, it's time to go. Ross Geller: Oh, no-no-no, see, that-that clock's a little fast, uh, we have 17 minutes. Huh, what can we do in 17 minutes? Twice? Emily Waltham: Well that's ambitious. Ross Geller: Hey, uh, you can ignore that. Emily Waltham: That's Carol with your son! Ross Geller: Uhh, believe me when he's older, he'll understand. Carol Willick: Ross! Ross Geller: I'll be right there. Hello! Hello! Hey. Uhh, Emily, this is Carol and Susan. Susan Bunch: Hey, it's so nice to finally meet you! Emily Waltham: Me too! Carol Willick: Ohh, y'know, Susan's gonna be shooting a commercial in London next week. Susan Bunch: Oh yeah, I'm so excited, I've never been there. Emily Waltham: Oh, well, I'll show you around. Susan Bunch: That would be great! Also, uh, I was hoping to catch a show so if you can make any suggestions... Emily Waltham: Oh, there's tonnes of terrific stuff-I'll go with you! Susan Bunch: Ahh! Ross Geller: Look at you two, bonding, making us late for the airport so... Emily Waltham: Are you all right? Susan Bunch: Oh, he's fine. He's fine. It's just that us getting along is difficult for him, because he doesn't like me. Ross Geller: Oh come on! That's-that's... true. Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Do we have a baby name yet? Phoebe Buffay: Ugh! No! This is so hard! I went through this whole book and found nothing! I want a name that's really like, y'know strong and confident, y'know? Like-like Exxon. Chandler Bing: Well, it certainly worked for that Valdez kid. Joey Tribbiani: Ooh-ooh, Pheebs, you want a strong name? How about, The Hulk? Phoebe Buffay: No, I'm-I'm not sure about Hulk, but I like the idea of a name starting with "The." Joey Tribbiani: Oh, want a good name, go with Joey. Joey's your pal. Joey's your buddy. "Where is everybody?" "Well, they're hanging out with Joey." Chandler Bing: Hey, y'know what, if you're gonna do that, if you're gonna name him Joey, you should name him Chandler. Oh, come on! Chandler's funny, sophisticated, and he's very loveable, once you get to know him. Joey Tribbiani: Oh well, hey, Joey's loveable too! But the thing about Joey is, if you need him, he'll be there. Chandler Bing: Well, Chandler will be there for you too. I mean, well, he might be a little late, but-but, he'll be there. And he'll bring you some cold soda, if want you need him for is that you're really hot. Joey Tribbiani: What do ya say? What do ya say? Phoebe Buffay: Well, I, I like the idea of naming him after someone I love, and Joey and Chandler are great names. But, all right, I don't-maybe I'll just name him The Hulk. Joey Tribbiani: I knew I shouldn't have mentioned it! That's what I wanted to name my kid! Rachel Green: Hey, Mon, if you were hoping to sleep with Joshua the first time tonight, which one of these would you want to be wearing. Monica Geller: Y'know what? It really creeps me out choosing other people's sex clothes. Rachel Green: Sorry. I'm so exited! I've been waiting for this for months! I got my hair coloured! I got new sheets! I'm making him a very fancy meal. Monica Geller: Um-hmm. Rachel Green: What am I making him by the way? Monica Geller: Well, you're making him a frieze salad with goat cheese and pine nuts, wild nuts, wild rice, roast asparagus, and salmon au croup. Rachel Green: I thought I was making him filet mignon? Monica Geller: Yeah, you were, but you decided to make salmon because you had some left over at the restaurant. And then you realised if you bitched about it, then you would stop cooking, and you would have to make your famous baked potato and Diet Coke. Rachel Green: Wow, I really get crabby when I cook. Ross Geller: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Ross Geller: So uh, Emily called last night... Chandler Bing: And now you're giving me the message! Ross Geller: Turns out them Emily is just crazy about Susan. Yeah, they're going to the theatre together! They're going to dinner! They're going horseback riding! Phoebe Buffay: God, Susan is so fun! Ross Geller: Look, this is just a little too familiar, okay? For like, for Like six months before Carol and I spilt up, all I heard was "My friend Susan is so smart. My friend Susan is so funny. My friend Susan is so great." Chandler Bing: You actually think that something can happen between Emily and Susan? Ross Geller: Hey, they're going to the gym together! Two women! Stretching! Y'know they-they take a steam together! Things get a little playful-didn't you see Personal Best? Joey Tribbiani: No, but I'm gonna! Chandler Bing: Hi! Hi! You're crazy! Okay? This is Emily. Emily is straight. Ross Geller: How do you know? I mean we thought Carol was straight before I married her! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I definitely. I don't like the name Ross. Ross Geller: What a weird way to kick me when I'm down. Phoebe Buffay: No! No! I-I meant for the baby! Ross Geller: Oh. What's wrong with Ross? Phoebe Buffay: Well, it's just y'know that something like this would never to like The Hulk, y'know... Ross Geller: Actually that-that's not true, in The Incredible Hulk uh, No. 72, Dr. Bruce Banner found... Y'know, ugh, nevermind, my girlfriend's a lesbian. Phoebe Buffay: So, I decided I'm definitely going to go with either Joey or Chandler. Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Oh-oh, you gotta pick Joey! I mean, name one famous person named Chandler. Chandler Bing: Raymond Chandler. Joey Tribbiani: Someone you didn't make up! Chandler Bing: Okay, there are no famous Joey's. Except for, huh, Joey Buttafucco. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, that guy really hurt us. Phoebe Buffay: Well, how about a compromise then, okay? What if it's like y'know, Chanoey? Chandler Bing: Okay, look, Joey! Come on, think about it, first of all, he'll never be President. There's never gonna be a President Joey. Joey Tribbiani: All right look man, I didn't want to bring this up, but Chandler, is the stupidest name I ever heard in my life! It's not even a name; it's barely even a word. Okay? It's kinda like chandelier, but it's not! All right? It's a stupid, stupid non-name! Chandler Bing: Wow, you're, you're right. I have a horrible, horrible name. Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry man, I didn't-I'm-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Chandler Bing: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: So I guess it's Joey then! Joshua Burgin: This is so nice. Thank you for doing this. Rachel Green: Ohh, please! Cooking soothes me. Ahh. So, dig in! Joshua Burgin: Great! Oh, it all looks sooo good! Rachel Green: Hmmm! Joshua Burgin: Oh my God! Rachel Green: Oh I know, my God, this is so-this rice is so-I am so good. Joshua Burgin: Behind you? Rachel Green: Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. They used to live here; sometimes they migrate back over. Joshua Burgin: Is there ah, is there some way they can not be here. It's just ah, farm birds really kinda freak me out! Rachel Green: Yeah, sure, okay. Okay. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, how did you do that?! Come on in. Rachel Green: All gone! So, farm birds, huh? Joshua Burgin: Yeah, it's-it's my only weird thing, I swear. And I-I-I would've told you about it, but I didn't know they would be here. Rachel Green: Oh. Joshua Burgin: So, all right. Rachel Green: Okay. So, can I serve you a little of-What? What? What? Joshua Burgin: Nothing I uh, it's just that I know that they're still out there. Rachel Green: But, they're across the hall! I mean that's two doors away, it would take them a long time to peck their way back over here. Joshua Burgin: Okay, that's-that's not funny. Uhh. Rachel Green: Okay, y'know, would you feel better if we went someplace else? I mean we could pack all this stuff up and y'know go to your apartment. Joshua Burgin: Oh, they're working on this week, it's a total mess. But uh, I'm staying at my parents' house, we could go there. Rachel Green: Your parents'? Joshua Burgin: Yeah, they're out of town. Rachel Green: Ohh. Joshua Burgin: Yeah-yeah, it's this huge place, and-and it's got this gorgeous view of the park, and very, very romantic. What do you say? Rachel Green: Yeah that works. Joshua Burgin: They-they-they can smell fear. Ross Geller: Hey! Carol Willick: Hey! How's Ben? Ross Geller: Well, I asked him if he wanted to eat, he said, "No." I asked him if he wanted to sleep, he said, "No." I asked him what he wanted to do, he said, "No." So, he's sweeping. Carol Willick: Hey, Ben! Hey! Ross Geller: So umm, any word from Susan? Carol Willick: Ooh, yeah! She said she's having sooo much fun with Emily. Ross Geller: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, by the by, did it uh, did it ever occur to you that, I don't know, maybe they might be having a little too much fun? Carol Willick: What's too much fun? Ross Geller: Y'know, the kind of fun, you and Susan had when we were married. Carol Willick: Oh my God, you are so paranoid! Ross Geller: Am I?! Carol Willick: Yes! Ross Geller: Am I?! Carol Willick: I can't speak for Emily, but Susan is in a loving, committed relationship. Ross Geller: Uh-huh, Carol, so were we. All right, just-just imagine for a moment, Susan meets someone and-and they really hit it off. Y'know? Say-say they're coming back from the theatre, and they-they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks, they're laughing, y'know, someone innocently touches someone else... There's electricity, it's new. It's exciting. Are you telling me there isn't even the slightest possibility of something happening? Carol Willick: Maybe. Ross Geller: OH MY GOD!! I didn't really believe it until you just said it!! Joshua Burgin: ...and even though none of the other kids believed me, I swear to God, that duck pushed me! Rachel Green: Wow! This place is fabulous! Joshua Burgin: Yeah, yeah, let me show you around. This is the uh, downstairs living room. Rachel Green: Whoa-whoa, there's two living rooms? God, growing up here, this place must've been a real babe magnet. Joshua Burgin: Yeah, well, it would've been, but uh, my parents just moved here. Rachel Green: Ohh, you should know, this place is a real babe magnet. Wanna make out? Joshua Burgin: Hey, here's an idea. Why don't uh, I put the food in the fridge and we can eat it later? Rachel Green: That sounds like a plan. Umm, is there a place I can go freshen up? Joshua Burgin: Oh yeah, yeah uh, it's down the hall and uh, second door to your left. Rachel Green: Ah. Mrs. Burgin: Oh, hi, darling! Joshua Burgin: Mom, Dad, what are you guys doing here? Mrs. Burgin: Oh, well we cut the trip short. Mr. Burgin: France sucks! Joshua Burgin: Umm, this may be a little weird, but I-I-I got a date here. Mrs. Burgin: Oh, say no more! Mr. Burgin: We'll just grab some food and take it with us right upstairs, and we'll be right out of you hair. Joshua Burgin: Oh, that-that would be great. So you didn't even get to Italy? Mr. Burgin: Yep, sucks! Rachel Green: Hi you! Joshua Burgin: Oh my God! Rachel Green: I know, I can do more than cook. Mr. Burgin: I like her. She sees smart. Joshua Burgin: Uhh, Rachel, my parents... Rachel Green: Ohh! It's so nice to meet you. Hello. Mr. Burgin: Hi. Rachel Green: Hello. Mrs. Burgin: Hello. Well, Joshua, that $500 was for groceries. Rachel Green: What? This-this, no, oh no, no-no-no, this is not-that's-that's not what it is. See, see, okay, I work in fashion, see and-and, this is a real dress actually. It's-it's, they're-they're wearing it in Milan, so part of my job is too wear the clothes, and then I see how people respond, and then I report back to my superiors at Bloomingdale's, so... And obviously in uh, in-in this case, I am going to report back, "USA not ready." Mrs. Burgin: Maybe in L.A? Rachel Green: Yes! Joshua Burgin: There you go. Mr. Burgin: So, have you kids eaten yet? Rachel Green: Well, we were going to do that after-I mean umm, next. Mr. Burgin: Well, we're starving, why don't we all go get something to eat? Rachel Green: Oh, yeah, well... Yeah, no use wasting this baby, just lyin' around the house. Mr. Burgin: So... We go eat. Rachel Green: Yes. Mr. Burgin: You'll wear that. We'll be eating, and of course, you'll be wearing that. Joey Tribbiani: Dude, I am sorry about what I said! Chandler Bing: No, no, you're right, it is a ridiculous name! Joey Tribbiani: It's not that bad. Chandler Bing: Yes it is! From now on, I have no first name. Joey Tribbiani: So, you're just Bing? Chandler Bing: I have no name. Phoebe Buffay: All right, so, what are we supposed to call you? Chandler Bing: Okay uh, for now, temporarily, you can call me, Clint. Joey Tribbiani: No way are you cool enough to pull of Clint. Chandler Bing: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off? Phoebe Buffay: Umm, Gene. Chandler Bing: It's Clint. It's Clint! Joey Tribbiani: See you later, Gene. Phoebe Buffay: Bye, Gene. Chandler Bing: It's Clint! Clint! Joey Tribbiani: What's up with Gene? Monica Geller: So, you wore your nightie to dinner? Rachel Green: Oh, yeah. And uh, the best part though, when the uh, waiter spilled water down my back, I jumped up, and my boob popped out. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Monica Geller: Oh, no! Rachel Green: No, it's all right. I got nice boobs. Ross Geller: So, I just picked up a message from Emily, she and Susan are going to a poetry reading together! Rachel Green: So? Ross Geller: So! Poetry? Susan's gay! They're being gay together! Monica Geller: Emily's straight. Ross Geller: Oh, wake up! Phoebe Buffay: Wow, Carol really messed you up! Ross Geller: Excuse me? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, she turned you into this-this-this untrusting, crazy, jealous, sycophant. All right, so I don't know what sycophant means, but the rest is right. Ross Geller: Look, I don't know what you're talking about, I am not a crazy, jealous person. Rachel Green: Huh. Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: She's totally right! When we were together, you got all freaked out about Mark and there was nothing going on. Monica Geller: This totally makes sense! Ross Geller: It does not! Monica Geller: Oh, sure it does! In high school, you weren't jealous at all even though all your girlfriends were cheating on you! Phoebe Buffay: All right, all right, so up until '92-93 he was very trusting, then '94 hit, Carol left him and bamn! Paranoid city! Rachel Green: Absolutely! Absolutely! Monica Geller: This is so much fun! Ross Geller: This is not fun! Monica Geller: Look, all we're trying to say is, don't let what happened with Carol ruin what you got with Emily. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. The '92 Ross wouldn't. Ross Geller: Well, I still think I was right about that whole Mark thing. Rachel Green: What-yeah-what, y'know what? I hope Emily is a lesbian. Phoebe Buffay: Drum roll. Chandler Bing: Okay. Okay. All right. Help! Am I a Mark, or a John? Joey Tribbiani: Nah, you're not tall enough to be a Mark, but you might make a good Barney. Chandler Bing: All right look, am I serious, okay? Tomorrow at 3:30 I am going down to the courthouse. Phoebe Buffay: You're actually going through with this? Chandler Bing: Hey, look, this name has been holding me back my entire life. Okay, it's probably why kids picked on me in school, and why I never do well with women... So, as of 4 o'clock tomorrow, I'm either gonna be Mark Johnson or John Markson. Phoebe Buffay: You got problems because of you! Not your name! All right, this has got to stop! Chandler is a great name! In fact-yes, I'm, I'm sorry. I know you really wanted me to name the baby Joey, but eh, so, I'm-I'm, I'm gonna, I'm gonna name the baby Chandler. Chandler Bing: Really?! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but you have to keep the name too! Chandler Bing: Okay. Thanks. Phoebe Buffay: Okay! Chandler Bing: You wanna hug it out? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Phoebe Buffay: Yay! Chandler Bing: Yay! Phoebe Buffay: Yay-oh-yay! Okay, I gotta go tell Frank and Alice! Right now! Chandler Bing: Okay! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, uh... Chandler Bing: Bye, Pheebs! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, bye! Chandler Bing: Ha! Ha! Ha! Joey Tribbiani: Ohh! Ross Geller: Nice luggage. Carol Willick: I was gonna say... Susan Bunch: Hey! Ross Geller: Hi! Emily Waltham: Hey! I missed you. Ross Geller: Oh, I missed you too. Susan Bunch: Thanks for everything, I had such a great time. Emily Waltham: Oh, so did I. Ross Geller: No tongue.
The Singing Man: Morning's here! Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning's here! The morning's here! Rachel Green: HEY!! Do you have to do that? It's Saturday! The Singing Man: Oh come on! Morning's here! Morning's here! The morning is here! Sunshine is here! Rachel Green: I hate this apartment! I hate the color of these walls! I hate the fact that this place still smells like bird! I hate that singing guy! Joey Tribbiani: Are you kidding? I love that guy! Morning's here! Morning is here- Rachel Green: Stop it! I will kill you. I hate the fact that my room is so small. Monica Geller: Hey, I have all the space I need. Just do what I did. Rachel Green: Monica, you don't even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the floor! Monica Geller: Y'know what? I am really tired of your bellyaching! Okay, I-I worked really hard at making this a nice place for us to live! Rachel Green: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Monica Geller: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: See, this is a great apartment. Monica Geller: Shut up! This place is a hole! Emily Waltham: Oh, blimey, I still can't believe you've got an earring! Ross Geller: Huh? I know, I know. Who am I? David Bowe? Emily Waltham: He does that?! Ross Geller: Uh, I don't know, whatever. Emily Waltham: I think it makes you look really dangerous. Ross Geller: Oh, I know. Y'know what, I never would've gotten this if it weren't for you. No really, when I'm with you I'm-I'm like this whole other guy, I love that guy! I mean, I love you too, a lot, but that guy! I-I love that guy! Emily Waltham: I love both of you! Ross Geller: Yeah? Emily Waltham: I wish I didn't have to go. Ross Geller: Then don't. Stay here. Just don't go so soon to London, just one more day. Emily Waltham: Ohh, Ross, please! Ross Geller: One more day, seriously/ Emily Waltham: Don't do this to me, again. You'd know I'd stay here in a minute, but I'd really miss so much work, they'll fire me. Ross Geller: So, then you can stay as long as you want. Emily Waltham: I wish I could. Ross Geller: Oh no. Don't, don't, don't start packing. Come on! Emily Waltham: I don't think you understand packing. Look, I just don't want to leave it to the last minute. Last time I left in such a rush, I left my knickers here. Ross Geller: Yeah, I know, I uh, I tried them on. Emily Waltham: You didn't! Ross Geller: No. No, I didn't. I didn't want to be that guy. Phoebe Buffay: Hello! Chandler Bing: Ho! Ho! Ho! Phoebe Buffay: Excuse me. Chandler Bing: Your pants! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah! You like 'em? I just, I went to a used clothes store and got a bunch of maternity stuff. These are sooo comfortable! Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, Pheebs, those are uh, those are Santa pants. Phoebe Buffay: What? Chandler Bing: Santa pants. Santa Claus's pants. Phoebe Buffay: Nuh-uh! They're maternity pants. They even came with a list of baby names. See, these names are good, and these names are bad. Ohh. Rachel Green: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Rachel Green: So-Hey, Pheebs! So, how are the elves? Phoebe Buffay: I don't know! How are the-the-the-the, y'know-You're clothes aren't funny. Monica Geller: Hey, guys, what-what should I wear to a Knicks game? Chandler Bing: Uhh, a T-shirt that says, "I don't belong here." Joey Tribbiani: You have Knicks tickets? Rachel Green: Yeah, my mom got my dad's season tickets in the divorce, so she just gave them to me. Monica Geller: Yeah, apparently, they're pretty good seats. Rachel Green: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God! Those are almost right on the floor! Rachel Green: Do you guys want these? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Chandler Bing: Yeah we do! Rachel Green: Ohh, well you got 'em. Both: All right! Rachel Green: Just give us our apartment back! Phoebe Buffay: Boy! I didn't see that coming! Chandler Bing: Are you serious? Rachel Green: Oh, come on! We know what these are worth. Monica Geller: Yeah, what, do you think we're stupid? Joey Tribbiani: You're not stupid. You're meaner than I thought. Monica Geller: What do you say? Chandler Bing: Forget it! Okay, I'm not giving up my bachelor pad for some basketball seats! Rachel Green: You're bachelor pad?! Monica Geller: Have you even had a girl up here? Chandler Bing: No. But uh, Joey has, and I usually talk to them in the morning time. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you do! Joey Tribbiani: Come on! Chandler Bing: Yes, Gunther, can I get two cups of chino, please? Gunther: Good one. Joey Tribbiani: Come on, season tickets! Season tickets, do you know what that means? Chandler Bing: Forget it! Okay, I'm not giving up the apartment. Joey Tribbiani: Oh come-look, when I was a kid my dad's company gave season tickets to the number one salesman every year, all right? My dad never won! Of course, he wasn't in the sales division, but still, I never ever, ever forgot that! Ross Geller: Hey, guys! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani: We don't make enough fun of you already? Ross Geller: Oh yeah, Emily convinced me to do it. Chandler Bing: You do know that Wham broke up? Ross Geller: I like it, and Emily likes it, and that's what counts. So uh, how are you guys doing? Joey Tribbiani: Oh-no, don't try and talk all normal with that thing in your ear. Chandler Bing: Where is Emily? Ross Geller: Ugh, she's saying good-bye to her uncle. Chandler Bing: Man, didn't she like just get here? Ross Geller: Yeah!! Yeah! Chandler Bing: Easy tiger. Ross Geller: I just, I hate this so much! I mean, every time I go pick her up at the airport, it's-it's so great. But at the same time I'm thinking, "Well, I'm gonna be right back there in a couple of days, dropping her off." Chandler Bing: So what are you going to do? Ross Geller: Nothing! There's nothing to do! I mean, she lives there, I live here. I mean, she-she'd have to uh, move here. She should move here! Joey Tribbiani: What? Ross Geller: I could ask her to live with me! Chandler Bing: Are you serious? Ross Geller: I mean, why not! I mean, I mean why not?! Chandler Bing: Because you've only known her for six weeks! Okay, I've got a carton of milk in my fridge I've had a longer relationship with! Ross Geller: Look guys, when I'm with her it's-it's-it's like she brings this-this-this great side out of me. I mean I-I-I love her, y'know? Chandler Bing: And I love the milk! But, I'm not gonna some British girl to move in with me! Joey, you say things now. Joey Tribbiani: All right look, Ross, he's right. Emily's great, she's great! But this way too soon, you're only gonna scare her! Ross Geller: I don't want to do that. Joey Tribbiani: No! You don't want to wreck it, you don't want to go to fast! Ross Geller: Yeah, no, you're right, I know, you're right, I'm not, I'm not gonna do it. All right, thanks guys. Chandler Bing: Okay, no problem, just remember to wake us up before you go-go. Phoebe Buffay: That's too hard. Too hard! Monica Geller: All right boys, last chance for the tickets! Rachel Green: Or I'll give them to my new boyfriend, Joshua. Chandler Bing: No thank you. Joey Tribbiani: Wait-wait-wait-wait! Come on! Come on, let's trade! The timing's perfect, I just clogged the toilet! Chandler Bing: Look, I want those basketball seats as much as you do! Okay, but we can't leave in the small apartment after we've lived here! Didn't you ever read Flowers for Algernon? Joey Tribbiani: Yes! Didn't you ever read Sports Illustrated?! No! I didn't read yours! But come on, we can go to the game tonight! Chandler Bing: Look, the only way I will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats. Joey Tribbiani: It's the Knicks! Chandler Bing: Screw the Knicks! Joey Tribbiani: Whoa! Chandler Bing: I didn't mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more. Joey Tribbiani: Huh. Chandler Bing: And the Knicks rule all. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, the Knicks rule all! Phoebe Buffay: Hey, so? Are you gonna do it? Chandler Bing: No. No. We're not gonna do that, y'know why? Because its not an even trade. Rachel Green: All right, okay, look, what if you could keep the apartment and get the tickets? Joey Tribbiani: Done! Rachel Green: Let me finish. Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Rachel Green: I'm talking about a bet, winner takes all. Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, we could end up with nothing. Phoebe Buffay: Or you could end up with everything. Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, I like that. Monica Geller: All right, so what do you say? Chandler Bing: No! Monica Geller: Oh, just do it!! Chandler Bing: Op, op, I'm convinced! Joey Tribbiani: Come on man, you know I'd do it for you! Because, you're my best friend. Chandler Bing: All right, but you can't use that again for a whole year. I'm in. Joey Tribbiani: All right! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, this is so exciting! Ooh, God, what are you going to bet? Rachel Green: Oh, okay, well, I think we should let Phoebe decide, because she's the only who's impartial, and she's so pretty. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Umm, ooh, ooh-oh, I have a game! Joey Tribbiani: Okay! Chandler Bing: Okay! Phoebe Buffay: This is great! Joey Tribbiani: What's the game?! What's the game?! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well, it doesn't have a name-oh, okay, Phoebeball! No, it doesn't have a name. Umm, okay, Monica, what is your favourite thing about trees? Monica Geller: They're green? Phoebe Buffay: Good! Good! Five points! Phoebe Buffay: All right, Joey, same question. Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, they're tall. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, three points. Both fine answers, but we were looking for leafy, leafy. Monica Geller: That's not even a game! Rachel Green: What? Shut up! We're winning! Monica Geller: You wanna finish this right now? All right, we get a deck of cards, high card wins. What do you say? Chandler Bing: Fine, let's do it. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I have cards! Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Monica Geller: Oh, good. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Here! Oh no, these are the trick deck. Okay. Here yes. Okay. Chandler Bing: Okay, you guys uh, you guys pick first Rachel Green: Okay. Monica Geller: Okay. Four. Chandler Bing: That's a low one! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Okay. Phoebe, you look, I can't. Phoebe Buffay: What make you think I can?! Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Okay. Ace! Chandler Bing: Why are you screaming and hugging? Monica Geller: Because we won our apartment back! Joey Tribbiani: What? Ace is high! Jack, queen, king, ace! Monica Geller: No! Ace is low! Ace, two, three, four! Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. Ooh! Ooh! Look it! Ah-ha! Rachel Green: All right, cut, let's pick again, pick again. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Rachel Green: Come on apartment! Come on apartment! Oh! I know queen is high! Joey Tribbiani: Uh-huh, not as high as... It worked! King! Chandler Bing: Yeah baby! Monica Geller: But, we pick again! We pick again! Joey Tribbiani: Why?! Monica Geller: I don't know! Chandler Bing: Tickets please! That's courtside baby! Joey Tribbiani: Seriously, good game though. Good game. What are they so mad about? They get the apartment back! Chandler Bing: No they didn't! Ross Geller: Hey! Emily Waltham: I packed while you were gone. I left some knickers under your pillow. Ross Geller: Move in with me. Emily Waltham: What?! Ross Geller: Don't be scared, I-I know it sounds crazy and-and people will say it's too soon, but just-just think, think how great it will be. Emily Waltham: Ohh, no. Ugh. Oh, leaving London, my whole family lives there. Ross Geller: I know. Emily Waltham: My job! Ross Geller: Well, so, you-you'll get a job here! I mean, I'm always hearing about uh, them foreigners coming in here and stealing American jobs; that could be you! Emily Waltham: Yeah, but it-it-it's my whole life-you come to England. Ross Geller: No, I can't. I would, I really would, but my son is here; I can't leave him. Isn't-you don't think there's any way? Emily Waltham: Ohh, I don't think so. I mean it would be different if it was way into the future –and-and-and we were getting married or something. Ross Geller: What? Emily Waltham: Oh no, no, right I shouldn't have said married. Uh, please don't go freaky on me. I didn't mean it. Well, I didn't say it; I take it back! Ross Geller: No, no, don't. Why don't we? Emily Waltham: Why don't we what? Ross Geller: Get married. Emily Waltham: You are mad! Ross Geller: No! No! I'm not! It's-it's-it's perfect! I mean it's better than you just-just moving here, 'cause it's us together forever, and that's-that's what I want. Emily Waltham: We've only known each other for six weeks! Ross Geller: Yeah, I know, so what? I mean, who's-who's to say? Does that me we-we can't do it? Look, huh, I was with Carol for four years before we got married and I wound up divorced from a pregnant lesbian. I mean, this, this makes sense for us. Come on! I mean, on our first date we ended up spending the whole weekend in Vermont! I mean, last night I got my ear pierced! Me! This feels right. Doesn't it? Emily Waltham: My parents are going to be really mad. Ross Geller: Is that-are you saying yes? Is that yes? Emily Waltham: Yes. Emily Waltham: Yes! Ross Geller: Yes! We're getting married?! Emily Waltham: Oh my God! Ross Geller: Yes! Emily Waltham: We're getting married! Ross Geller: Come here, come here. Uh, ow! Emily, will you marry me? Emily Waltham: Yes. Emily Waltham: Ohh, it's a bit small. Ross Geller: Damn! I thought that was going to be romantic as hell! Emily Waltham: It was. Chandler Bing: Those were like the best seats ever. Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah. Hey! Should we give these shirts to the girls? Y'know, kinda like a peace offering. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, that's very nice. Plus, y'know they were free and they're too small. Chandler Bing: Oh. Oh, God! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, want a beer? WHOA!!!! Chandler Bing: I KNOW!!! Chandler Bing: Open up! Open up! Open up! Monica Geller: We'll discuss it, in the morning! Chandler Bing: What the hell is going on?! Rachel Green: We took our apartment back!! Phoebe Buffay: I had nothing to do with it. Okay, it was my idea, but I don't feel good about it. Chandler Bing: We are switching back, right now! Monica Geller: No, we're not! We're not leaving! Chandler Bing: Well, you're gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we're switching it back! There's nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: I don't want to move again! Chandler Bing: I don't care, this is our apartment! And they stole-you stole it-our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I'm getting back right now! Rachel Green: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer. Chandler Bing: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can't offer anything to us! Rachel Green: Let us keep the apartment and... Monica Geller: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute. Chandler Bing: Totally worth it! Joey Tribbiani: That was one good minute! Chandler Bing: Good night. Joey Tribbiani: Good night. Monica Geller: Men are such idiots. Rachel Green: Yeah! Can you believe that something that stupid actually got us our apartment back? Phoebe Buffay: That's so funny to think if you'd just done that right after the last contest, no one would have had to move at all. Monica Geller: Yeah, let-let-let's pretend that's not true. Rachel Green: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, scarf's done. Ross Geller: Come on! Come on. Come on. Chandler Bing: Okay! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey! Monica Geller: What-what's going on? Joey Tribbiani: Ross has some big thing to tell everyone. Ross Geller: Uhh, okay, it's uh, Emily and I, we decided to uh, to get married. Phoebe Buffay: What? Oh, are you pregnant too?! Emily Waltham: Umm, no. Monica Geller: When, when did-how, how did you... Ross Geller: We, we just decided to uh, to go for it. Emily Waltham: I mean, we know it's a bit hasty but, uh, it just feels so right, so... Ross Geller: Umm, uh, I was just telling the guys... Rachel Green: Yeah, I-I heard. I think it's great! Ohh, I'm so happy for you! Chandler Bing: Oh, well, that's great! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Yeah! Monica Geller: I can't believe you're getting married! Ross Geller: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Monica and Rachel made out. The Singing Man: Morning's here! The morning's here! Both: Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning's here! The Singing Man: Hey! You're back! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Get into gear! The Singing Man: Breakfast is near! Both: The dark of night has disappeared!! The Singing Man: I'll see you tomorrow morning! Joey Tribbiani: Okay!
Chandler Bing: Are you kidding me?! Joey. Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey!! Joey Tribbiani: Joey. Joey. Joey. Joey! Joey!! Chandler Bing: Oh. Oh, did-did-did I wake you? Chandler Bing: Gunther, can I get another cup of coffee, please? So uh, what do you do when you're not working here? Gunther: You don't need to fill these silences. Chandler Bing: Oh, okay, thanks. Monica Geller: Chandler, that's like your fourth cup of coffee! Chandler Bing: Well, I am drinking lots of cups of coffee because I'm exhausted! Because Joey started snoring! Monica Geller: He's in a different room! He's really that loud? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you should here me. Chandler Bing: It's not something to be proud of, okay? You have to go to a sleep clinic! Joey Tribbiani: Look, I told ya, I'm not going to any clinic! I don't have a problem, you're the one with the problem! You should go to a "Quit being a baby and leave me alone" clinic! Chandler Bing: They don't have those. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, they do! Quit being a baby and leave me alone! There, you've just had your first class! Monica Geller: Y'know I used to go out with this guy that was a really light sleeper, and whenever I started to snore, he would just roll me over... Joey Tribbiani: Ohhh, yeah! Monica Geller: He would just roll me over and I would stop snoring. Chandler Bing: Next time you snore, I'm rolling ya over! Joey Tribbiani: I gotta do what I gotta do, you gotta do what you gotta do, you just do it. Ross Geller: Hey guys! Chandler Bing: Hey, all right! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, the Olympics. Monica Geller: Have you guys picked a date yet? Ross Geller: Oh no, not yet. Phoebe Buffay: I still cannot believe you're engaged! Just 'cause its happening so fast; not 'cause you're such a loser. Ross Geller: Oh. Thanks. Uh, has anyone seen Rach? Monica Geller: Ugh, she's upstairs not doing the dishes! And I tell ya something! I'm not doing them this time! I don't care if those dishes sit in the sink until they're all covered with-I'll do them when I get home! Ross Geller: Yeah-oh! Hey listen umm, Emily found this wedding dress in London... Phoebe Buffay: Already?! Ross Geller: Yeah, but it didn't fit. Well, luckily there's a store here that has one left in her size, but I'm the groom, I'm not supposed to see the dress... Monica Geller: I'll pick it up for you! Ross Geller: Thank you. Monica Geller: Okay. Chandler Bing: Oh, she's got you running errands, y'know, picking up wedding dresses... Wah-pah! Ross Geller: What's wah-pah? Chandler Bing: Y'know, whipped! Wah-pah! Joey Tribbiani: That's not whipped! Whipped is wh-tcssh! Chandler Bing: That's what I did. Wah-pah! Joey Tribbiani: You can't do anything! Rachel Green: Hey, Mon, I was just doing the dishes! Ross Geller: Hey! Rachel Green: Oh! It's you. Hi. Ross Geller: Hey, do uh, do you have a minute? Rachel Green: Yeah, yeah, I was just about to take a break anyways, so... Ross Geller: So listen uh, I know you and I haven't really had a chance to talk since uh, Emily and I decided to get married, and uh, I was just wondering how you were. Rachel Green: Oh. Ross Geller: I know if you were getting married I'd feel, kinda... y'know. Rachel Green: Yeah. Yeah. Definitely, well it definitely took me by surprise, but I'm okay. Ross Geller: Yeah? Rachel Green: Yeah. Ross Geller: All right, I just wanted to check. Rachel Green: Oh, that's sweet. Ross Geller: You're great. And I-I know someday this will happen for you too. You just hang in there. Rachel Green: Uhh, hang in there? Ross Geller: Oh, no, I didn't mean, uh... Rachel Green: I mean maybe you didn't hear about a serious relationship called me and Joshua? Ross Geller: Oh, I thought you guys had just been on like four dates, I didn't realise that had become anything, yet. Rachel Green: Oh, no-no-no, no-no-no, it has become, it has-yeah. Oh no, those were four great dates. Ross Geller: Oh. Yeah? Rachel Green: Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I mean, the connection, I mean y'know, emotionally, mentally, physically... Ross Geller: Wow, that's-that's-that's incredible. Rachel Green: I know isn't it? It's like I'm right there with Joshua. Ross Geller: Uh-huh. Rachel Green: You are right there with Emily. And it's y'know, it's kinda like... it's a tie! Well, I gotta get, I gotta get back to the dishes. Ross Geller: I gotta get to work. Rachel Green: Oh yeah? Fine. Ross Geller: Hey, y'know, y'know what would make me really happy? Rachel Green: Oh yeah, no, what's that? Ross Geller: If like the four of us could all y'know, hang out together. Uh, in fact Emily's coming into town this weekend, why don't you say we all have dinner? Say, Sunday night? Rachel Green: That would be great! Ross Geller: Yeah, all right, it's a date. Rachel Green: Hang in there. You hang in there. Ross Geller: Did you say something? Rachel Green: No, just singing. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Ohh! Look at this one! It's so beautiful! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but y'know, about have of these are gonna end up getting divorced. The Saleslady: May I help you ladies? Monica Geller: Oh, yes, umm, I'm here to pick up a dress that you have on hold. The Saleslady: Yes, what's the name, please? Monica Geller: Emily Waltham. The Saleslady: Yes! I have it right here. Would you like to try it on Ms. Waltham? Monica Geller: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: You're the most beautiful bride I've ever seen. Monica Geller: I am, aren't I? The Saleslady: Ms. Waltham? Monica Geller: Yes? The Saleslady: We're closing. Monica Geller: All right. The Saleslady: And could I get my ring back? Chandler Bing: All right buddy, time to roll over. No-no! No, no-n-n-n-no!! You are going to a clinic! You're going to a clinic, and a pyjama store! Monica Geller: Does she use the cups? Yes! I believe she does. Does she use the plates? Yes! I believe she does. Monica Geller: Oh. Thank you. Ohhh, thank you very much. Oh, thank you for coming. Uh, just a second! Phoebe Buffay: No-no, let me in! Monica Geller: Phoebe? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Monica Geller: Can you just hold on for one minute? Phoebe Buffay: No, you have to let me in right now!! Monica Geller: Are you alone? Phoebe Buffay: Yes! Monica Geller: All right. Joey Tribbiani: This sucks! I didn't know I had to stay up all night before I went to this stupid sleep clinic! I'm so tired! Chandler Bing: It's 6:00. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, well... Rachel Green: Hi! Chandler Bing: Hey, I hear that you and Joshua are going out to dinner with Ross and Emily, and I think that's, I think that's really cool. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, Rach, I think you're handling that really well. Rachel Green: Handling it? What do you mean, handling it? There's nothing to handle. Now, maybe I would have a problem with this if it wasn't for me and Joshua. Y'know, they're not gonna get married anyway! Chandler Bing: What? Rachel Green: Come on! They rushed into this thing so fast it's ridiculous! I mean, they're gonna be engaged for like what? A year? And somewhere along the way, one of them is gonna realise what they've done and they're call the whole thing off. I'm telling ya, you're gonna be dancing at my wedding before you're dancing at there's. Chandler Bing: Yeah, well, I don't dance at weddings. Rachel Green: Why not? Chandler Bing: Because weddings are a great place to meet women, and when I dance, I look like this... Ross Geller: Hey man. Chandler Bing: Hey! Ross Geller: So, what are you guys doing four weeks from today? Chandler Bing: Nothing. Rachel Green: Nothing. Joey Tribbiani: I am... free! Ross Geller: Great! Because Emily and I are getting married in a month! Ross Geller: Yep! Rachel Green: In a month? Ross Geller: Yeah! Rachel Green: You mean, you mean 30 days? Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: From now? Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: Well, that's great. Ross Geller: Yeah! Yeah, Emily always wanted to get married in this beautiful place that her parents got married, but it's going to be torn down, so... I mean, I-I know it's crazy, but everything up 'til now has been so crazy, and I don't know, this just feels right. Y'know? Joey Tribbiani: Hey! That's the day after I stop menstruating! This isn't mine. Joshua Burgin: Hey, Rachel. Rachel Green: Hi! Joshua Burgin: What's up? You're voice sounded all squeaky on the phone. Rachel Green: Ohh, nothing, I just wanted to see you. See you and hug you. See you. Joshua Burgin: Great! Rachel Green: Yeah! Sit! Joshua Burgin: You okay? Rachel Green: I'm more than okay, I am really, really happy! Wanna know why? Joshua Burgin: Do I? Rachel Green: 'Cause I am really happy about us. I think we are, I think we are so on the right track! Y'know? I mean, I think we are working, I think we are clicking. Y'know? Joshua Burgin: Yeah, sure-sure, yeah, we're-we're-we're-we're-we're clicking. Rachel Green: Yeah-yeah, y'know if-if there was just like one little area where I-that I think we need-we would need to work on; I-I would think it was we're just not crazy enough! Joshua Burgin: I-I gotta say, I-I-I-I'm not too sure I agree with that. Rachel Green: Well, yeah, right, y'know what? Yeah, you're right, I mean, we no, we have our fun. Yeah! But if ...I mean, I mean like craaaazy! Y'know? Okay, all right. This is gonna, this is gonna sound y'know, a little umm, hasty, but uh, just go with it. Umm. Ugh. What if we got married? Joshua Burgin: What?! Rachel Green: Oh, I know, I know, it's-it's so, it's so totally like, "Whoa! Can we do this?" Y'know, I mean, but I mean it just feels right! Don't you think? It does! I mean, it just feels right, don't you think? Joshua Burgin: Wow! Uhh, Rachel uhh, you're a real special lady, but my divorce isn't final yet and, and, and we've been on four days, so I'm thinking "No, but thanks." Gunther: YOU IDIOT!!!!! Sleep Clinic Worker: Your name, please? Joey Tribbiani: Joey Tribbiani. Sleep Clinic Worker: Um-hmm, and did you stay up all night in preparation for your sleep study. Uh, sir? Chandler Bing: Yes he did. Sleep Clinic Worker: Alll right, we'll call you in a few minutes. Chandler Bing: Hey, check out that girl! She is really hot! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, she is. Wow! How you doin'? Joey Tribbiani: What?! Chandler Bing: You're coming on to the entire room! I'm Chandler. Woman: I'm Marjorie. Chandler Bing: Hi. Marjorie: Hi. Chandler Bing: You mind if I... Marjorie: No, please. Chandler Bing: So uh, what are you in for? Marjorie: I talk in my sleep. Chandler Bing: What a coincidence, I listen in my sleep. Joey Tribbiani: So why don't you give me your number? Monica Geller: Okay, ready? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Monica Geller: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: I got it! Mine! Monica Geller: Congratulations! Phoebe Buffay: Thank you! Monica Geller: Okay! My turn! My turn! Phoebe Buffay: Okay! Okay, ready? Monica Geller: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Monica Geller: That was a terrible throw!! Phoebe Buffay: I'm not gonna right to you! That's not real! Monica Geller: Look at me! My big concern is what's real?! Oh my God. We're really sad, aren't we? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I think we are. Monica Geller: This isn't even my dress. Phoebe Buffay: Well, at least you didn't rent yours from a store called, "It's Not Too Late." Monica Geller: I'm changing out of this. Phoebe Buffay: Me too. Monica Geller: In like a half-hour? Phoebe Buffay: Me too. Monica Geller: Okay, throw it straight this time. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Monica Geller: I'm getting married next!! Phoebe Buffay: Yay! Phoebe Buffay: I hate my regular clothes now! Y'know? I look down and-and I know that this isn't gonna be the most special day of my life. Monica Geller: Yeah. I mean it was kinda fun for a while, but didn't you start feeling silly? Phoebe Buffay: I guess. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Monica Geller: Oh God. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you're such a cheater! Chandler Bing: Hello! Little ones. Monica Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Monica Geller: So, is Joey gonna stop snoring? Chandler Bing: Yep! And! A beautiful woman agreed to go out with me. Joey wanted to ask her out, but uh, she picked me. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, how'd that happen? Chandler Bing: Because I'm cooler. Monica Geller: No, seriously. Chandler Bing: Well she's, she's the kinda girl-Joey was unconscious. Joey Tribbiani: Hey you guys! What's happening? Monica Geller: Oh my God! Phoebe Buffay: What is that? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, they gave it to me at the sleep clinic, and it's gonna help me not to snore. Monica Geller: Well, are you asleep right now, Joe? 'Cause I don't think you have to wear it unless you are! Joey Tribbiani: I know I don't have too! It tastes good. Chandler Bing: Plus, you look cool. Rachel Green: Well, I just called Joshua... Phoebe Buffay: Oh, how did it go? Rachel Green: Well, I did my best to convince him that I'm not some crazy girl who is dying to get married-I'm just going through a hard time. Phoebe Buffay: What did he say? Rachel Green: Well uh, his answering machine was very understanding. Ugh. I feel blue. Monica Geller: Ohh, sweetie! Hey, I bet you anything that he's gonna call you again. Rachel Green: Yeah, maybe, but I don't think I even care. I don't think he's the one I'm sad about. Y'know, I know that I said that I am totally okay with Ross getting married, but as it turns out, I don't think I'm handling it all that well. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, maybe. Rachel Green: And I-I am just trying to figure out why. Phoebe Buffay: Any luck? Rachel Green: Well, yeah, y'know how Ross and I were on again, off again, on again, off again? I guess I just figured that somewhere down the road, we would be on again. Monica Geller: Again. Y'know what? I think we all did. Ross Geller: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Ross Geller: So, I got us some reservations for Sunday night, okay? How about, Ernie's at 9 o'clock? Rachel Green: Yeah, well, you uh, better make it for three. Ross Geller: Oh, see I-I don't know if we're gonna be hungry at three. Rachel Green: Three people. Joshua's not gonna be there. Ross Geller: What happened? Rachel Green: Uh, well, I think, I think he broke up with me. Ross Geller: Noo. Why? Rachel Green: Well, apparently he scares easy. Ross Geller: Oh, Rachel, I'm-I'm sorry. Rachel Green: It's okay. Sometimes, things don't work out the way you'd thought they would. Ross Geller: Come here. Rachel Green: Oh, hey, don't you have to go pick up Emily? Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: Yeah. Ross Geller: You okay? Rachel Green: Yeah! I got my girls. Rachel Green: Ugh. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, y'know what might cheer you up? Rachel Green: What? Rachel Green: Y'know, I gotta tell ya, this really does put in a better mood. Monica Geller: Oh, I wish there was a job where I could wear this all the time. Maybe someday, there will be. Monica Geller: Oh God! He's gonna come by and borrow some candles for his big date! Rachel Green: Oh, okay! Monica Geller: No-no, Rachel, don't get it! He can't see us! Phoebe Buffay: No, yeah! The groom cannot see the bride! Rachel Green: I'm not gonna marry Chandler! Phoebe Buffay: Not after this! Rachel Green: Okay, you guys, just relax. I doooo. Joshua Burgin: I gotta go. Rachel Green: Oh, wait, Joshua! Joshua! Yeah, well, that oughta do it. Joey Tribbiani: Dude! I am trying to sleep!
Chandler Bing: Y'know what? It seems like all of the sudden; so much has happened. Joey Tribbiani: I know. Ross is getting married. Chandler Bing: Phoebe is, making people. Joey Tribbiani: Everybody's doing stuff! Chandler Bing: And we just sit here. I mean if I die the only way people would even know I was here, would be by the ass print on this chair! Look, we have to do something. Okay? Something huge! Joey Tribbiani: We could climb Mt. Everest! Chandler Bing: No-no, not something stupid, something huge. Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no-no-no, I saw an ad for this video, people climb that thing everyday! We could totally do that! Chandler Bing: Why not?! I mean it's just, it's just climbing! It's just, it's just steep! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Chandler Bing: We're going to Everest! Okay, it would be nice to leave an ass print on Everest! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: What-what's up? Joey Tribbiani: We're gonna climb Mt. Everest! Chandler Bing: Yeah baby! Phoebe Buffay: Really?! I looked into that. Yeah, but, I mean it costs like $60,000 and y'know you can die. And, you would die! Chandler Bing: Yeah, well... Joey Tribbiani: We could get that Everest video though. Chandler Bing: Yeah, we could do that without y'know risking our lives at all! Joey Tribbiani: And while we're down at the video store, you know what else we could rent? Die Hard! Oh, y'know what? I just remembered, that Everest thing is only available through mail order. Chandler Bing: Oh, well... Phoebe Buffay: So you guys'll stay here and hang out with me? Chandler Bing: Yeeeeahhhh. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Yeah. Chandler Bing: But I'll tell you something. One of these days we're get off of our buts and rent Die Hard again! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah we are! Emily Waltham: So what did he decide? Does your Uncle Nathan get an invite or not? Ross Geller: Ohh, God, nobody likes him, and he's so cheap, he'd never fly to London in a million years. Yeah, invite him? Hey, did I do these neat enough? Emily Waltham: Yeah, they're fine. Ross Geller: Yeah? Emily Waltham: If anyone asks, we'll just say Ben addressed them. Oh! So you invited Rachel then? Ross Geller: Sure. Why not? Emily Waltham: Really? Ross Geller: Yeah? Emily Waltham: I don't think I'd be comfortable with any of my old lovers there. Ross Geller: Wait-wait-wait, do you, do you think, maybe we shouldn't invite her? Emily Waltham: Oh, no-no, y'know I absolutely adore Rachel it's just that, well it might be a awkward for you. But it's absolutely your decision. More tea? Ross Geller: Yeah sure. Emily Waltham: Earl Grey? Ross Geller: Huh? Yeah, fine, invite whoever you want. Ross Geller: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again! Chandler Bing: And I just want a million dollars! Monica Geller: Rachel?! Rachel Green: Oh God Monica hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are! Monica Geller: Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross? Rachel Green: Hi, sure! Ross Geller: Hi. Ross Geller: You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you. Rachel Green: I knew. Ross Geller: You did! Oh... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother. Rachel Green: I did. Ross Geller: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here-but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe? Rachel Green: Yeah, maybe... Ross Geller: Okay... okay, maybe I will... Ross Geller: See, I see... big passion in your future. Rachel Green: Really? Ross Geller: I do. Rachel Green: Oh Ross, you're so great. Joey Tribbiani: It's never gonna happen. Ross Geller: Hey, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as.. more of a general wondering... ment. Rachel Green: Okay. Ross Geller: Okay. Umm, for a while now, I've been wanting to, um... Rachel Green: Ohhh!!!! Ross Geller: Yes, yes, that's right... Rachel Green: Oh, look at the little cat! Look at it! Ross Geller: What? Ow! Rachel Green: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it! Rachel Green: Yes! Did you see that? Ross Geller: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen. Rachel Green: I could not have done this without you. Ross Geller: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? I'm fine, I'm fine. Ross Geller: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me. Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you. Rachel Green: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie? Ross Geller: The point is I... I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed. Rachel Green: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross. Ross Geller: Fine. Rachel Green: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship. Ross Geller: Good. Rachel Green: Good. Rachel Green: Ross do you realise this is the first time in my life I'm doing something I actually care about. This is the first time in my life I'm doing something that I'm actually good at. I mean. if you don't get that... Ross Geller: No, hey, I get that, okay, I get that big time. And I'm happy for ya, but I'm tired of having a relationship with your answering machine! Okay, I don't know what to do anymore. Rachel Green: Well neither do I! Ross Geller: Is this about Mark? Rachel Green: Oh my God. Ross Geller: Okay, it's not, it's not. Rachel Green: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross, no, you're, you're, you're making this too hard. Ross Geller: Oh I'm, I'm making this too hard. Okay, what do you want me to do. Rachel Green: I don't know, I don't know. Urrrgh! Look, maybe we should take a break. Ross Geller: Okay, okay, fine, you're right. Let's ah, let's take a break, let's cool off, okay, let's get some frozen yogart, or something.. Rachel Green: No. A break from us. Chloe: Do I know why we're rushing? Ross Geller: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told you about last night? Well it turns out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!! Chloe: That's so great for you guys! Ross Geller: Yeah! Chloe: Good luck, with your girlfriend. Ross Geller: Oh, thank you. Hey, hey. Rachel!!!! Rachel Green: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message. Ross Geller: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time. Rachel Green: So what do you say? Can I be your girlfriend again? Ross Geller: Yes, you can, very much. Ross Geller: Ahhhh!! Rachel Green: Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here! Ross Geller: No!! Rachel Green: Just get out! Now!! Ross Geller: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this. Rachel Green: Okay! All right! How was she? Chandler Bing: Uh-oh. Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: Was she good? Joey Tribbiani: Don't answer that. Rachel Green: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, let's talk about it!! How was she? Ross Geller: She was... Joey Tribbiani: Awful! Horrible! Chandler Bing: She was not good. Not good. Joey Tribbiani: She was nothing compared to you. Ross Geller: She, she was different. Joey Tribbiani: Ewwwww! Chandler Bing: Uh-oh. Rachel Green: Good different? Ross Geller: Nobody likes change. Ross Geller: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay. Rachel Green: ...the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you've grown. Y'know? I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Ooh, I just wish we hadn't lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective... Ross Geller: WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!! Rachel Green: You seem to really like her. Ross Geller: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y'know no commitment. Rachel Green: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica's photo albums, I mean you don't do that if you're just in it for two weeks. Ross Geller: You think? Rachel Green: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and you're sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip. Ross Geller: Hey, you're right. Rachel Green: Yeah. Monica Geller: Ohh, this is soo amazing! I can't believe my brother's getting married! And in London! It's so romantic! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, pretty smart! Tissue paper! You're at the wedding, you have to cry, "Handkerchief?" "No-no, I got my invitation." Phoebe Buffay: Oooh look! Isn't this adorable, Ross let Ben address mine! Chandler Bing: Hello! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Hey, did you get your invitation to Ross's wedding? Chandler Bing: Noo. Joey Tribbiani: Don't worry man, I get to bring a guest. We'll show him. Phoebe Buffay: I'm so jealous you're all going! I can't believe I never knew that you can't fly in your third trimester! Chandler Bing: I didn't know that. Monica Geller: I never knew that either. Joey Tribbiani: I knew that! I sooo didn't know that, but you should see your faces. Rachel Green: Hey guys! What's up? Joey Tribbiani: Heyyy. Monica Geller: We're hanging out. Rachel Green: What's this? Is this Ross's wedding invitation? Chandler Bing: See, maybe that's the one we should've actually hidden. Rachel Green: Oh, no! No you guys! Come on, you don't have to do that! I'm happy for him! I am! I really-I'm-I'm happ-I'll work on it. Monica Geller: I'm sorry honey. Rachel Green: Yeah. Monica Geller: Rach, you're gonna come though aren't you? Rachel Green: Oh, honey, I don't know. I... Chandler Bing: This isn't one of those uh, y'know "If she doesn't come, we-we don't, we don't come?" Right? Because I already bought my ticket... Monica Geller: You know what would be real weird? Is if you weren't there. Just say you'll think about it, okay? Rachel Green: No, I'll think about it. Yeah. Rachel Green: Who's this from? Chandler Bing: Oh, that's Ross's. Rachel Green: Oh... Oh my God. He remembered. Phoebe Buffay: Remembered what? Rachel Green: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him that it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune. Monica Geller: I can't believe he did this. Chandler Bing: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck? Rachel Green: What did you just say? Chandler Bing: F-hah... flennin... Rachel Green: Oh... my God. Rachel Green: Oh my God. Julie: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together. Ross Geller: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig. Rachel Green: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick- you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic? Ross Geller: Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three. Well you didn't hang up either. Rachel Green: She didn't hang up either... Ross Geller: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y- Rachel Green: Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat...I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. Ross Geller: Rach, I got a message from you. Rachel Green: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . Ross Geller: You're over me? Rachel Green: Ohhhhhhhh God. Ross Geller: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me? Rachel Green: Ohh, ohh. Ross Geller: When, when were you... under me? Rachel Green: Well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you. Ross Geller: OK, I need to lie down. Joey Tribbiani: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for god's sakes. Rachel Green: Really? Ross Geller: Really. It's always been you, Rach. Rachel Green: Oh, god. Ross Geller: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight. Rachel Green: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight. Rachel Green: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK. Ross Geller: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box. Ross Geller: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn't say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place. Gunther: I'm sorry. Was I not supposed to? Ross Geller: Y'know, hey! You're the one who ended it, remember? Rachel Green: Yeah, because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you! Ross Geller: You still love me? Rachel Green: Noo. Ross Geller: What does this mean? What do you, I mean do you wanna, get back together? Rachel Green: Noo! Maybe! I, I don't know. Ross Geller: What?! Rachel Green: I just, I feel, I-I just... Rachel Green: Y'know I can't believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!! Ross Geller: FINE BY ME!! Rachel Green: And hey! Just so you know, it's not that common! It doesn't happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!! Chandler Bing: I KNEW IT!!!! Judy Geller: Rachel's coming up the path. Doesn't she look pretty. Jack... Rachel Green: Oh my God. Monica Geller: You know what this is, this is us getting ready for the prom. Rachel Green: Oh. Ross Geller: You know what, you guys, we don't have to watch this. Everyone: Oh yeah we do. C'mon. Judy Geller: Get a shot of Monica. Where's Monica. Jack Geller: Wait, how do you zoom out? There she is. Monica Geller: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds. Chandler Bing: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you? Monica Geller: Oh, dad, turn it off. Jack Geller: It is off. Right Ross? Joey Tribbiani: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter. Rachel Green: I can't go to my own prom without a date, I can't, it's too late. Monica Geller: If you're not going then I don't want to go either. Judy Geller: I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the prom. Ross Geller: Y'know what? I think we've seen enough, let's turn it off. Everyone: No, no, no. Ross Geller: OK, fine, well I'm not gonna watch, alright. Jack Geller: C'mon kid, let's go. Judy Geller: Ahh, are you hadsome. Jack Geller: Let's show 'em. Ross Geller: Okay dad. Jack Geller: Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining-Oh no. Judy Geller: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off? Monica Geller: I can't believe you did that. Ross Geller: Yeah, well. Phoebe Buffay: See, he's her lobster. Monica Geller: Nooooo. You're really not going? Rachel Green: Yeah. It's just gonna be too hard. Y'know? I mean, it's Ross. How can I watch him get married? Y'know it's just, it's for the best, y'know it is, it's... Y'know, plus, somebody's got to stay here with Phoebe! Y'know she's gonna be pretty big by then, and she needs someone to help her tie her shoes; drive her to the hospital in case she goes into labour. Monica Geller: You don't have a car. And your license expired. Rachel Green: I know. Yeah, see, there's so much to do and I have so little time to do it in. Chandler Bing: All right, check it out. Check this out. It says here that there's a place you can go to rent videos of all the museums! "It's almost as good as being there." Joey Tribbiani: It's better! You can't go to a museum in your underwear! Chandler Bing: Well, You could, but... probably just the one time. Joey Tribbiani: I bet we could get videos of all the sites, get a VCR in our hotel room... we'd never even have to go outside! Chandler Bing: If we do that, we gotta get Die Hard. Joey Tribbiani: Oh-ho! I bet the British version is gooooood!
Phoebe Buffay: That's like the tenth time I've peed since I've been here! Monica Geller: That's also like the tenth time you told us. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, oh I'm sorry, it must be really hard to hear! I tell ya, it's a lot easier having three babies play Bringing in the Noise, Bringing in da Funk on your bladder! I'm so sick of being pregnant! The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee, which of course is decaf, 'cause-Oh! I'm pregnant! Ross Geller: Pheebs, did...you want a cookie? Phoebe Buffay: Thank you so much. Rachel Green: So uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming? Phoebe Buffay: I haven't really had any yet. Ross Geller: Hey guys! Chandler Bing: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Ross Geller: All right, here's the ring. Chandler Bing: Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes! Ross Geller: So uh, any ideas for the bachelor party yet? Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Before you start handing out wedding rings and planning bachelor parties, don't you have to decide who your best man is gonna be? Chandler Bing: Oh, it's awkward. It's awkward. It's awkward. Ross Geller: I sort've already asked Chandler. Joey Tribbiani: What?! He got to do it at your first wedding! Ross Geller: Joey, I figured you'd understand. I mean, I-I've known him a lot longer. Joey Tribbiani: Come on Ross! Look, I-I don't have any brothers; I'll never get to be a best man! Chandler Bing: You can be the best man when I get married. Joey Tribbiani: I'll never get to be a best man! Ross Geller: Wait-wait, so, you get to be my best man twice and I never get to be yours at all? Chandler Bing: Oh no-no-no, you-yeah, of course you get to be my best man. Joey Tribbiani: What about me?! You-you just said I could! Chandler Bing: I'm not even getting married! Okay, this is a question for science fiction writers! Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe you're not picking me. Ross Geller: Hey, how can it not be me?!HeyHey! Chandler Bing: I'm not even... I'm not even... Ross Geller: Fine, y'know what, that's it. From now on, Joey, I want you to be my best man. Joey Tribbiani: Yes! Shame about you man. Phoebe Buffay: Stop it! Monica Geller: What? Phoebe Buffay: One of the babies is kicking. Monica Geller: I thought that was a good thing. Phoebe Buffay: It's not kicking me, it's kicking one of the other babies. Oh ! Don't make me come in there! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Do you guys have like a big bowl I can borrow? Monica Geller: Yeah, there's one right under the cabinet. Joey Tribbiani: Thanks. Monica Geller: Why do you need it? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, we're having a big party tomorrow night. Later! Rachel Green: Whoa! Hey-hey, you planning on inviting us? Joey Tribbiani: Nooo, later. Phoebe Buffay: Hey!! Get your ass back here, Tribbiani!! Rachel Green: Hormones! Monica Geller: What Phoebe meant to say was umm, how come you're having a party and we're not invited? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, it's Ross's bachelor party. Monica Geller: Sooo? Joey Tribbiani: Are you bachelors? Monica Geller: Nooo! Joey Tribbiani: Are you strippers? Rachel Green: Nooo! Joey Tribbiani: Then you're not invited. Rachel Green: All right fine! You're not invited to the party we're gonna have either. Joey Tribbiani: Oh-whoa, what party? Rachel Green: Well umm... Monica Geller: The baby shower for Phoebe! Joey Tribbiani: Baby shower. Wow! That sounds sooo like something I don't want to do! Later! Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe I'm gonna have a party! This is so great! A party! Yay!! I don't know why. Joey Tribbiani: This is what I've got going for the party so far, liquor wise. Get a lot of liquor. Ross Geller: Great. Great. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, now uh, in terms of the invite list, I've got you, me, and Chandler and I'm gonna invite Gunther 'cause, well, we've been talking about this pretty loud. Gunther: I'll be there. Joey Tribbiani: All right-oh! Listen, I know this is your party, but I'd really like to the number of museum geeks that are gonna be there. Ross Geller: Yeah. Tell ya what, let's not invite any of the anthropologists, only the dinosaur dudes! Joey Tribbiani: Okay! We'll need a six-pack of Zima. Chandler Bing: Hey guys, what are you doing? Ross Geller: Oh, just planning my bachelor party with my best man. Chandler Bing: Yeah, well, good luck trying to top the last one. Ross Geller: Yeah, see, I don't think it's gonna that difficult considering this one won't be taking place in the basement of a Pizza Hut. Chandler Bing: Oh, I'm Ross. I'm Ross. I'm too good for the Hut; I'm too good for the Hut. Ross Geller: Look, I gotta go pick up Ben. Everything so far sounds great Joey, just remember to keep it on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys hanging out playing poker, no-no strippers or anything okay? Joey Tribbiani: You got it. Ross Geller: Okay, see ya later. Chandler Bing: See ya. Have fun planning your mellow bachelor party. Joey Tribbiani: Well, there's gonna be strippers there. He didn't say anything about no strippers. Chandler Bing: He just said, "No strippers." Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I chose not to hear that. Monica Geller: Look what I got! Look what I got! Look what I got! Can you believe they make these for little people? Rachel Green: Little village people. Monica Geller: Okay, look at this one. This is my favourite. Rachel Green: Oh, that is so sweet! Monica Geller: I know! Phoebe is gonna love dressing them in these! Rachel Green: Huh. Except, Phoebe's not gonna be the one that gets to dress them. Monica Geller: Because she's not gonna get to keep the babies. Rachel Green: Oh my God! We are throwing the most depressing baby shower ever! Monica Geller: Wait a minute! Unless, we give her all gifts she can use after she's done being pregnant. Like-like umm, regular coffee, Tequila. Rachel Green: Oh, and somebody can get those leather pants she's always wanted! Monica Geller: Oh, she's gonna love that! Phoebe Buffay: What the hell is this?! What, did you actually thought it would make me feel better to give me stuff that I can't use for another two months?! This sucks! All right, what's my next present?! Everyone: I don't have anything. Ross Geller: Hey listen man, about the stripper... Joey Tribbiani: Yeah? Ross Geller: Good call! Chandler Bing: Okay, a little announcement, a little announcement. I've decided that my best man is, my best friend Gunther! Gunther: What's my last name? Chandler Bing: Central Perk? Gunther: Thanks for not marrying Rachel. Joey Tribbiani: Oh-whoa-wait, Gunther don't-don't forget your shirt. Ross Geller: Hey-hey, what are those? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, little party favours, check it out! Ross Geller: Wow! Yeah! Joey Tribbiani: Oh-oh! Chandler Bing: Okay, okay, a little announcement, I just want everyone to know that the position of my best man is still open! And uh, so is the position of the bride. The Stripper: Great! Ross Geller: Smooth man. Yeah, you got some chilie on your neck. Well, I just want to say, thanks everyone, this-this was great. And hey! See you guys Monday morning. Thanks Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey, don't forget your shirt. Ross Geller: Oh, thanks! Joey Tribbiani: Okay, hey, museum geeks, party's over. Okay. Wave bye-bye to the nice lady. There you go. Back to your parent's basement. All right. Come on boys, come on out! Here you go. All right. The Stripper: Ohhh, look at the little birdies! Are those yours? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! The Stripper: Wow, I didn't know they let you keep chickens and ducks as pets. Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah-yeah. And I got the duck totally trained. Watch this. Stare at the wall. Hardly move. Be white. The Stripper: You are really good at that. So uh, I had fun tonight, you throw one hell of a party. Joey Tribbiani: Oh thanks. Thanks. It was great meetin' ya. And listen if any of my friends gets married, or have a birthday, or a Tuesday... The Stripper: Yeah, that would be great. So I guess umm, good night. Joey Tribbiani: Oh unless you uh, you wanna hang around. The Stripper: Yeah? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. I'll let you play with my duck. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, stripper! Joey Tribbiani: The stripper stole the ring!! The stripper stole the ring!! Chandler! Chandler, get up! Get up! The stripper stole the ring! Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: The ring is gone! Chandler Bing: Ugh. Just a sec, give me a minute to wake up for this-Ah-ha-ha!! You lost the ring! You're the worst best man ever! Joey Tribbiani: Dude, this isn't funny! What am I gonna do?! I go to bed last night, everything's cool! I wake up this morning, the stripper's gone and the ring is gone! Chandler Bing: You slept with the stripper? Joey Tribbiani: Of course!! Phoebe Buffay: Hi, guys. Rachel Green: Hi! Phoebe. Monica Geller: Hi Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: I-I wanted to apologise if I-y'know seemed a tad edgy yesterday at my shower. Y'know it's just the hormones, y'know. Rachel Green: No we... Monica Geller: Hormones. Rachel Green: ...hormones, yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you, it was just, it was so sweet. Monica Geller: Wow, you seem to be doing so much better. That's great. So how-how are things going? Phoebe Buffay: Good. Y'know-no-no, okay, it's-it feels like everything's been about me lately, so what's happening with you? Rachel Green: Oh, well, actually we were just talking about me not going to Ross's wedding. Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Rachel Green: It just might be too hard, given the history and all that... Phoebe Buffay: Wow! This reminds me of the time when I was umm, living on the street and this guy offered to buy me food if I slept with him. Rachel Green: Well, h-how is this like that? Phoebe Buffay: Well, let's see, it's not. Really, like that. Because, you see that was an actual problem, and uh, yours is just like y'know a bunch of y'know high school crap that nobody really gives y'know... Rachel Green: I'm-I'm sorry, I just thought that... Phoebe Buffay: Alrighty, here come the water works. Joey Tribbiani: Ugh! I don't know what I'm going to do! I called the company that sent and th-they don't care! Then I called 9-1-1 and they laughed at me, if this isn't an emergency, then what is? Ross Geller: Hey guys! Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey... Ross Geller: I just wanted to thank you again for last night, what a great party! And the guys from work had a blast. Y'know, one of them had never been to a bachelor party before. Yeah! And-and another one had never been to a party before, so... Joey Tribbiani: So uh, hey, that uh, that wedding ring, huh? Man, that's nice! Ross Geller: Yeah, right! Joey Tribbiani: I was uh, I was thinking I might want to pick one of those babies up for myself, I might want to get one of those... Ross Geller: That ring? When my grandmother first came to this country, that ring and the clothes on her back were all she had with her. Chandler Bing: So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable? Ross Geller: Oh absolutely! It has been in my family for generations, and every bride who has worn it has had a long and happy life. Chandler Bing: So you might say, it's a magic ring. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, the stripper stole it. Ross Geller: My-my ring? My-my wedding ring? The-the stripper stole my wedding ring?! H-how?! How could this all happen?! Chandler Bing: Well, I think it all started when you said, "Hey Joey, why don't you be my best man." Ross Geller: All right-all right, fine! I-I'm gonna call the cops! Joey Tribbiani: Dude, I screwed up, you don't have to turn me in! Ross Geller: Not on you! On the stripper! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah, well I already did that! They said they're gonna look into it right after they solved all the murders. Ross Geller: Okay, well, we'll call the company that sent her! Joey Tribbiani: I did that too! They wouldn't give me her real name or her number. They said, "If I bothered them again they'd call the police." I said, "If you talk to the police, you tell them I'm missing a ring!" Ross Geller: So what, Joey? Wh-wh-what? What are you telling me? That there's nothing we can do? Well, how could this happen?! Joey Tribbiani: Look Ross, I am so-so sorry. I-I-I... Chandler Bing: Well, what if we just ah, called her, used a fake name, and had her come to my office? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, that sounds like fun, but we've got a ring to find!! Monica Geller: Here's your tea Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: It's so good. Oh, thanks. Rachel Green: Good. Monica Geller: I'm so glad you liked it. Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Monica Geller: What?! Rachel Green: What?! She made the tea! Phoebe Buffay: Oh! No, I-I think I just had a contraction. Rachel Green: You what? Monica Geller: Oh my God! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I thought I had one a couple of minutes ago, and now I know that was definitely one. Monica Geller: Wait, you can't have the baby here! I mean I haven't sterilised it since the guys moved out! Rachel Green: Okay. It's okay. We're gonna be okay. Y'know what? It's okay. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna boil some water and just rip up some sheets! Phoebe Buffay: No. It's all right; it's probably false labour. They said that, that can happen near the end, just somebody get the book. Monica Geller: Rachel, get the book! The book! Rachel Green: Okay! Okay! Here! Monica Geller: The Bible?! Rachel Green: I don't know! Joey Tribbiani: All right, okay, this is great, uh, Chandler, you get behind the desk. And-and when she comes in hopefully, she won't recognise you because, well, why would she? Uh, okay, and then you buzz Ross and I. You be Mr. Gonzalez, and I'll be uh, Mr. Wong. Ross Geller: Diverse. The Stripper: Did anybody call for security? Chandler Bing: You be cool. The Stripper: Okay, which one of you guys is Gunther Central-Perk? Hey, Joey? Ross Geller: Where's my ring? My dead grandmother's wedding ring? Where is it? Where is it? Chandler Bing: Way to be cool, man. The Stripper: What's he talking about? Joey Tribbiani: There was a ring, in a box, on my nightstand, after you left, it was gone! The Stripper: Wait, you guys think I stole some ring? The Guys: Yeah! Ross Geller: We know you took so just-just save yourself the time and confess! The Stripper: Okay, who are you? The Hardy boys? Look, I don't need to steal some stupid ring, all right? I make $1,600 a week doing what I do; any of you guys make that? Chandler Bing: Marry me. Joey Tribbiani: I don't get it! It was in my room all night! And if she didn't take it, and I didn't take it; and you didn't take it, then who did? Shh! We're trying to think! Rachel Green: I still don't get how you know when it's false labour. Phoebe Buffay: Well, do you see any babies? Monica Geller: How do you feel? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I guess. I mean... I don't know, it's just, I guess I know it's going to be over soon. Rachel Green: Well, isn't that a good thing? You said you were sick of this. Phoebe Buffay: I know. It's just y'know usually when you're, when you're done with the pregnant thing, y'know, then you get to do the mom thing. I'm gonna be y'know, sitting around in my leather pants, drinking Tequila. Monica Geller: Some moms do that. Phoebe Buffay: Okay that's even sadder. Look, I know, I know what I got myself into, it's just that now that they're in me it's like, it's like I know them y'know, I mean-I mean, it's just not gonna be easy when these little babies have to go away. Monica Geller: Aww, sweetie, but it's not like you're not gonna have anything. You're gonna have nieces and nephews, and some ways that's even better. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, okay. Rachel Green: No, really. Really, Pheebs, you're not gonna be the one worrying about saving for college, or yelling at them when they're bad, y'know, or deciding to put them on Ritalin when they just won't calm down. Y'know? Monica Geller: I mean, you're the one they're gonna come to when they wanna run away from home, and the one they talk to about sex. Rachel Green: And you just get to be cool Aunt Phoebe! Phoebe Buffay: Cool Aunt Phoebe. I am pretty cool! Monica Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: And y'know what else, oh my God, are they gonna love you. Phoebe Buffay: They are gonna love me. Rachel Green: Oh! Phoebe Buffay: Thanks you guys! Again. Monica Geller: Oh, sweetie! Phoebe Buffay: You're the best. Thanks. Oh! Phoebe Buffay: Just kidding. Ahh! Rachel Green: What?! Monica Geller: Oh my God! Phoebe Buffay: Got cha again, you guys are so easy. Joey Tribbiani: If anything should happen to him... Ross Geller: Joey! The vet said it's a simple procedure. Joey Tribbiani: So! Things can go wrong! You don't know! What if he doesn't make it?! Chandler Bing: He will, Joe. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, but what if he doesn't? He's such a good duck. Joey Tribbiani: I'm so worried about him, y'know? The Doctor: Somebody lose a ring? Ross Geller: Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much! Joey Tribbiani: H-h-h-how's the duck? The Doctor: He's doing just fine, he's resting now, but you can see him in a little bit. Joey Tribbiani: Ohh, great! Oh hey, listen Ross, thanks for being so cool about this. Ross Geller: No, that's all right. Joey Tribbiani: No, it's not. I mean you-you made me your best man and I totally let you down! Chandler Bing: Hey, come on, it's not your fault. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, it is! You wouldn't have lost the ring, right? Y'know what, Ross you were right from the start, he should be your best man. Chandler Bing: No, you should. Joey Tribbiani: Now, don't argue with me... Ross Geller: Hey! Hey! Hey! I get to choose my best man, and I want both you guys. Chandler Bing: Really? Joey Tribbiani: Really? Ross Geller: Hey, both you guys should be up there with me. I mean, you two are-are my... I mean, I'm lucky to have just one good... Chandler Bing: Thanks man. Joey Tribbiani: I gotta go check something over here. Chandler Bing: What a baby. Ross Geller: Total wuss!
Monica Geller: Guys, hurry up! The flight leaves in four hours! It could take time to get a taxi! There could be traffic! The plane could leave early! When we get to London, there could be a line at customs! Come on!! Chandler Bing: Six-hour trip to London. That's a lot of Monica. Joey Tribbiani: What do you got there? Chandler Bing: Condoms, dude! Joey Tribbiani: How come the writing is in Spanish? Chandler Bing: Don't read my condoms! Monica Geller: Passport, check! Camera, check! Traveller's cheques, check! Rachel Green: Who are you saying "check" too? Monica Geller: Myself. Y'know for remembering to pack a thing. Yeah, you do a good thing, you get a check! My mom does it, I never realised it was weird. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, my mom used to put her head in the oven. Well, actually, she only did it the one time. But it was pretty weird. Ross Geller: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey! Are you ready yet? Monica Geller: Yep! You got the tickets? Ross Geller: Oh! Got 'em right here, check! Joey Tribbiani: It's all London, baby! Here we go. Chandler Bing: You got your passport? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, in my third drawer on my dresser. You don't want to lose that. Joey Tribbiani: Ohh!! Chandler Bing: There it is. Monica Geller: Okay, if you need the vacuum, it's in my closet on the left-hand side. Ah, the garbage bags are next to the refrigerator... Phoebe Buffay: Okay, okay, but Rachel's gonna be here too, can't I just ask her this stuff? Monica Geller: Yeah, okay, give that a try! Chandler Bing: All right! Let's do it! Joey Tribbiani: Woo-hoo!! Ross Geller: Yeah, cheerie-o! Joey Tribbiani: London baby! Chandler Bing: Okay, 'cause that's not gonna get annoying. Joey Tribbiani: London baby!! Chandler Bing: Hey, y'know what? I was wrong. Ross Geller: Well, we're all here! I guess we should get going! Phoebe Buffay: Ohhh, I wanna come over there and give you a hug and wish you luck on your wedding, but I don't-can't get up. Ross Geller: Oh, I'll-I'll come hug you. Phoebe Buffay: Great! Yeah, could you bring me the newspaper? Ross Geller: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, have a great wedding! Ross Geller: Thanks. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hey, Chandler I wanna hug you too! Chandler Bing: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, and great! You might as well bring me my book, it's on the counter in your apartment. Chandler Bing: Oh. Ross Geller: So, we're off. Rachel Green: Have fun! Ross Geller: Thanks! Ugh, I can't believe you're not gonna be there! Rachel Green: Oh, I know. Ross Geller: So-so come! Why don't you come? Rachel Green: What?! Ross Geller: To London! Come to London. Please? It'll mean so much to me. Rachel Green: Yeah, well, I gotta work, I'm sorry. Ross Geller: Why-why can't you take a couple of days off? Rachel Green: Because, I can't! Ross, I told you, no. I can't. Ross Geller: This is my wedding. Monica Geller: All right, y'know what? We really are late! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!! Ross Geller: Fine. You'll-you'll watch it on video when we get back. Chandler Bing: Here you go Phoebe! Here you go Phobo! Phewbedo! Phaybobo. Phoebe Buffay: Thank you. Phoebe Buffay: Thank you. Ross Geller: All right, let's go! Bye, Pheebs! Joey Tribbiani: Bye, Pheebs! Joey Tribbiani: London baby!! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, do you need a hug? You don't have to bring me anything! Joey Tribbiani: Come on! Do something! Chandler Bing: I am, I'm ignoring you. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, here! I wanna be the on camera guy. All right, first stop, Westminster Abbey. Chandler Bing: Oh, what the hell is that? Joey Tribbiani: It's London, baby! All right, the hotel's here. Wait. No, we wanna go... No. I know. I'm gonna have to go into the map. Chandler Bing: Okay, if you see a little version of me in there? Kill it! Joey Tribbiani: I got it! Here we go. Chandler Bing: Okay. Listen-listen, we're not gonna have to walk this way the entire time are we? Joey Tribbiani: Shhh! Man, you made me lose it! Emily Waltham: ...and that was all before 10 o'clock. The caterer rang and said it was going to be Chicken Kiev instead of Chicken Tarragon. And then the florist phoned to say there aren't any tulips. Oh, and the chilliest has carpel-tunel syndrome. We're not gonna be... Ross Geller: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Emily, honey, okay? Emily Waltham: Well, up yours too! Ross Geller: What?! Emily Waltham: Oh, that's not what it means? Ross Geller: No! No! That's-that's time-out! Emily Waltham: Sorry. Ross Geller: Sweetie, you gotta relax. Everything's gonna be great, okay? Come on. Come on. Monica Geller: Chicken Kiev? Ross Geller: Um-hmm! Doesn't that sound delicious at the last minute? Monica Geller: Yeah, y'know, but something like salmon which would be so much more elegant than the chicken. And, you wouldn't have to worry about the salmonella. But of course with salmon you'd have to worry about the chickenella... So, I can't wait to see this place you're getting married! Ross Geller: Yeah. Yeah. Yes, this place is beautiful. Emily's parents got married here. Emily Waltham: I still can't believe they're tearing it down. It really is the most lovely building you'll ever see. I mean it's over... Oh my God! Monica Geller: It's nice. Emily Waltham: Oh. Oh. Emily Waltham: Oh. Oh my God. How can this be happening? What are we going to do? Ross Geller: It's all right! Everything's gonna be all right. Emily Waltham: How's it gonna be all right?! Ross Geller: Uh-huh, I see that. Monica Geller: Okay, I talked to the guy with the shovel and I found out what happened. Ross Geller: What? What? Monica Geller: They tore it down a few days early. Joey Tribbiani: All right! Westminster Abbey! Hands down, best Abbey I've ever seen. Hey! Okay. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler? Chandler Bing: I think it's great. It's great. Y'know, they're thinking of changing the name of this place. Joey Tribbiani: Really? To what? Chandler Bing: To Put the Camera Away!!! Joey Tribbiani: Man, you are Westminster Crabby. Monica Geller: Don't worry. You'll find some place to get married. Monica Geller: Oowww!! Dressmaker: Sorry. Lucky this dress is red! Emily Waltham: We can't find another place. Then we can't have the wedding! I've ordered chicken and salad and-and cake for 150. What should be the most wonderful day of my life is rapidly turning into just Sunday with a spectacular amount of food! Monica Geller: You're gonna find a place. But even if - God forbid - you didn't.. So you postpone the wedding. Is that really so bad? I mean, think about it. You could take all the time you needed to get everything that you want. You could have tulips, you could have salmon... Mmmmm... Salmon!! Emily Waltham: I suppose it wouldn't be the end of the world... Oh, thank you! Monica Geller: But either way... You're gonna get married, you're gonna be happy, my mom's gonna like you better than me. Monica Geller: Oh, god... She's told you that already, didn't she?! Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Oh. Rachel Green: Oh, honey! Don't get up! What do you need? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, no. Oh, nothing. Rachel Green: Come on! I am here to take care of you! What do you need? Anything. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I have a wedgie. Rachel Green: Okay, that is all you. Phoebe Buffay: So-so, what do you want for lunch? Rachel Green: Oh, I don't know. I guess we have to eat. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I do. What's the matter? Rachel Green: I'm just bummed about the way I left things with Ross. I shouldn't have lied to him about having to work. He seemed so mad at me. Phoebe Buffay: Eh, don't be so hard on yourself. If someone I was still in love with was getting married... Rachel Green: Still in love with?! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Rachel Green: I'm not in love with Ross! Phoebe Buffay: Oh. No. No. Good! Yeah, me neither. Rachel Green: Phoebe, I'm going to Ross's wedding because he is my ex-boyfriend and that would be really uncomfortable. Not because, I'm still in love with him! I mean, hey, y'know, I like Ross as much as the next guy, y'know? Clearly I have feelings for him, but feelings don't mean love! I mean, I still have loving feelings for Ross. Yeah! But, I have, I have continuing feelings of love, but that doesn't mean that-that I'm still in love with him. Y'know? I-I have sexual feelings for him, but I do love him-Ohh! Oh my God! Oh my-why didn't you tell me?!! Phoebe Buffay: We thought you knew! Rachel Green: We?! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, we all know! We talk about it all the time! Rachel Green: You all know? Does Ross know? Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, Ross doesn't know anything. Rachel Green: Oh, I can not believe you didn't tell me! Phoebe Buffay: Well, because we thought you knew!! It's so obvious! God, that would be like telling Monica, "Hey, you like things clean." Or, y'know, "Hey, Joey, you're gay." Rachel Green: What?! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, please! She's always got a broom in her hand! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! The Vendor: So, what are you guys in the market for? We've got uh, scarves, tulip post cards... Joey Tribbiani: Check this out? Huh? Yeah. That's the stuff. What do you think? Chandler Bing: Well, I don't have to buy that, "I'm with stupid" T-shirt anymore. Joey Tribbiani: Well, I like it. Here you go. Chandler Bing: All right, look, you're not really gonna buy that are you? Don't you think you've embarrassed me enough for one day? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I embarrass you? Chandler Bing: How can I answer that when I'm pretending I don't know you? The Vendor: He's just jealous. You'll fit right in; all Londoners wear them! Chandler Bing: Oh really? Then how come no one here is wearing them? The Vendor: They're all tourists. Chandler Bing: All right, look, if you insist on wearing that, in public, y'know, you're gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself. Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah? If you're gonna make me choose between you and the hat? I choose the hat. The Vendor: Good choice. Joey Tribbiani: Thanks. Chandler Bing: Okay, wait. All right, that's it, okay, I'm out of here. I am not going to be embarrassed anymore! Joey Tribbiani: How you doin'? Joey Tribbiani, America. Emily Waltham: Hello? Ross Geller: Hey! I just spoke to your dad, and you know what? He seems to think we'll be able to find a new place for the wedding. Emily Waltham: We don't have to. Ross Geller: Whoa-whoa-what? You found a place? Emily Waltham: No. But, Monica and I were talking, and-and I was so upset about the hall being knocked down, and she suggested that we put the wedding off for a bit. Ross Geller: She said what? Emily Waltham: She said, "If I'm not gonna be happy getting married somewhere that we find in a day, well then we should just postpone it." Ross Geller: Postpone it? Emily, do you think Monica realises how much our parents spent on this wedding? Do you my sister's teeny-tiny little brain comprehends that people took time out of their lives to fly thousands of miles to be here, huh? This isn't right. Emily Waltham: I realise that people are going to be disappointed. But, I'm sure they'll come back when we can do it right. Ross Geller: I can't ask people to do that? Would you ask people to do that? Emily Waltham: Don't you point your pants at me! We have no choice! Anywhere that's half-decent would've be booked months ago, Ross don't you understand? This is our wedding I'm talking about. Ross Geller: The only thing I understand is; postponing it is not an option. This is when we're getting married. Emily Waltham: So what are you saying? It's now or never? Ross Geller: No. I'm saying it's now. Emily Waltham: Or? Ross Geller: There's no 'or' in mind. What is wrong with these pants?!! Emily Waltham: It's not the pants. It's you that is backwards. And if, and if you don't understand how important this is to me, well then, perhaps we shouldn't get married at all! Ross Geller: No, wait! Emily! No, wait, stop! Emily, please- Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Rachel Green: Hi. Phoebe Buffay: So, did shopping make you feel any better about Ross? Rachel Green: Manhattan does not have enough stores. Phoebe Buffay: Well, I think I can help you get over him. Rachel Green: You can? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. I just need you to bring me some photos of Ross. Rachel Green: Um-hmm. Phoebe Buffay: And a small piece of chocolate. Rachel Green: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: And a glass of tepid water. Rachel Green: Ooh, is this one of those things where you throw it in a bag with some graveyard dirt and hang it from a north-facing tree? Phoebe Buffay: Uh, only if you have the hiccups too. Yeah, the pictures are for you, the water and the chocolate is for me. I just didn't feel like getting up. Okay, I'm gonna show you a picture of Ross. Okay? And you're going to remember all of the bad things about him. All right? Really focus on his flaws. Rachel Green: I can do that. I certainly did it when we were going out. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Umm, before we get started, I just wanna say for the record that I love Ross, I think he's such a great guy. Here. Okay, now, close your eyes. And imagine that you're with Ross okay and imagine that you're kissing him. And you're-you're running your hands all over his body. And then you run your hands through his hair, but eew-oh gross it's some kind of grease, it's-uck! Hah? Rachel Green: I don't know, his uh, his hair never really bothered me that much, and y'know it was always more crunchy than it was greasy. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, this is going to be harder than I thought. Umm, let's try some uh, aversion therapy. Rachel Green: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: Okay? Rachel Green: All right. Phoebe Buffay: So uh, now look at the picture... Rachel Green: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: All right, and umm... Rachel Green: Ow! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, how do you feel now? Rachel Green: Well, I like you less! Chandler Bing: Well, this is just as boring in England. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Chandler Bing: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Sorry! Chandler Bing: No-no-no, y'know what? I really shouldn't have said that you were embarrassing me, I mean that really wasn't cool. And if it makes you feel any better, I've had a really lousy day. Joey Tribbiani: Me too. Chandler Bing: Yeah? Joey Tribbiani: Noo!! I've had the best day ever! Dude, check this out! Now, I'm gonna fastforward past the part with you, 'cause it is boring. Monica Geller: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Sh-shh-shh! Joey Tribbiani: Okay, so say hi to my friend and tell him that you like the hat. Fergie: Okay, so umm, what's your friend's name? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, Chandler. Fergie: Hi Chandler! Chandler Bing: That's... That's was... Monica Geller: Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani: That's Fergie baby!! Fergie: Joey says you don't really like his hat, but I think it's kinda dashing. Joey Tribbiani: So, I hear you're single now... Fergie: Yeah, ummm, I don't like the hat that much. Chandler Bing: How did you? How? How? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I was trying to figure out how to get to Buckingham Palace, right? So, I'm in my map and-and... Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Ross Geller: Hi. I understand you had a little talk with Emily. Monica Geller: Yes, I did! And you are welcome! Ross Geller: Am I?! And was it your idea to postpone the wedding?! Monica Geller: Umm... Chandler Bing: I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Joey Tribbiani: Wait up! Ross Geller: Hey-hey, since you're the 'fix-it' lady, here's a pickle, what do you do when the bride says she doesn't want to have the wedding at all? Monica Geller: She said that?! Ross Geller: Yeah. Monica Geller: Why?! Ross Geller: I don't know, I told her it was stupid to put off the wedding just because the hall was gone and she liked flipped out. Monica Geller: Oh my God. You're even dumber than I am! Ross Geller: Excuse me? Monica Geller: Ross, how long have you been planning this wedding? Ross Geller: I don't know. A month? Monica Geller: Emily has probably been planning it since she was five! Ever since the first time she took a pillowcase and hung it off the back of her head. That's what we did! We dreamed about the perfect wedding, and the perfect place, with the perfect four-tiered wedding cake , with the little people on top. Thanks. But the most important part is that we had the perfect guy who understood just how important all that other stuff was. Ross Geller: I had no idea. And that-that pillowcase thing, I thought you guys were just doing the flying nun. Monica Geller: Sometimes we were. Ross Geller: Come on. You gotta help me figure out what to do. Okay? Monica Geller: Okay. Ross Geller: Come on. Chandler Bing: That was pretty intense huh? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here! Chandler Bing: I hope he did! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh! I thought of a good flaw! Ross pops his gum! Rachel Green: Oh, right! Wait a minute, I do that too. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I know. It drives me crazy. Phoebe Buffay: I'll get it. Phoebe Buffay: Hello. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Pheebs! It's Joey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey, Joey! Hey! Ooh! Ooh! I just say someone on the-that looks just like you on the subway. And I was gonna go over and say 'hi!' but then I figured, he doesn't care if he looks like you. Joey Tribbiani: That just cost me four bucks. But uh listen, I just called to see how the chick and the duck are doing? Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, they're having a great time with their Aunt Phoebe! Aunt Rachel hasn't been helpful at all. So, do you miss me? Joey Tribbiani: Kinda, but I've just been having way too much fun. Phoebe Buffay: So you're not homesick yet? Joey Tribbiani: No, I don't think so. Phoebe Buffay: All right, the seven of us miss you. Joey Tribbiani: Who's seven? Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, me, Rachel, the birds, the babies... Joey Tribbiani: Ahh, the babies miss me? Phoebe Buffay: Of course they do! Or I'm just really hungry. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, the pizza guy's here! Joey Tribbiani: What? You ordered pizza without me?! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. But y'know we were thinking about you, y'know we ordered the Joey Special. Joey Tribbiani: Two pizzas?! Phoebe Buffay: Yep! Okay, gotta go, talk to you later. Joey Tribbiani: Wait, well, where did you get it from?! Emily Waltham: Monica, why have you brought me here of all places?! Monica Geller: You'll see. Emily Waltham: I tell you, this wedding is not going to happen. Emily Waltham: Oh God. Ross Geller: Okay? But-but imagine a lot more lights, okay? And-and y'know fewer bricks, and-and-and flowers, and candles... Monica Geller: And the musicians, look, they can go over here , okay? And the chairs can face this way , and... You go. Ross Geller: But-but, if you don't love this, we'll do it in any other place at any other time. Really, it's fine, whatever you want. Emily Waltham: It's perfect. Ross Geller: And, I don't know, if it starts to rain... Emily Waltham: Well then we'll get wet. Monica Geller: Ohh. And I don't even have a date. Rachel Green: Pheebs? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? Rachel Green: Do you remember where the duck food is? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, it's in the guys' apartment under the sink. Why? Rachel Green: Because I'm going to London. Phoebe Buffay: What?! What do you mean you're going to London? Rachel Green: Yeah, I have to tell Ross that I love him. Now honey, you take care, you don't have those babies until I get back. Phoebe Buffay: But what about all the "finding-his-flaws" stuff we've been doing? Rachel Green: Yeah, that didn't work. Phoebe Buffay: I-Rachel, you can't go! Ross loves Emily! Rachel Green: Yeah, I know, I know, I know he does. But I have to tell him how I feel! He deserves to have all the information and then he can make an informed decision. Phoebe Buffay: That's not why you're going! You're going because you hope he's gonna say, "Yeah, I love you too, Rach. Forget that British chippy." Rachel Green: Ohh-Do you think he will?! Phoebe Buffay: No! Because he's in love with the British chippy! Look, Rachel, if you go, you're just gonna mess with his head and ruin his wedding! Y'know, it's too late! You missed you're chance! I'm sorry, I know this must be really hard, it's over. Rachel Green: Y'know what? No. It's not over until someone says, "I do." Phoebe Buffay: I do! I do! I do! I do! Ugh, like I can really chase you. I'm carrying a litter.
Housekeeper: The Waltham Residence. Phoebe Buffay: Oh...yes..is this..umm..Emily's Parents' house. Housekeeper: This is the housekeeper speaking. And by the way, young lady, that is not how one addresses a person on the telephone. First one identifies oneself and then asks for the person with whom one wishes to speak. Phoebe Buffay: What are you saying?! Housekeeper: Now, let us try that again, shall we? Phoebe Buffay: No! Ooh! Oh my god! Housekeeper: The Waltham Residence. Phoebe Buffay: Hello. This is Phoebe Buffay. I was wondering, please, if-if it's not too much trouble, please, umm, might I speak to Miss Emily Waltham, please? Housekeeper: Miss Waltham, is at the rehearsal dinner and it's not polite to make fun of people. Goodbye. Phoebe Buffay: No no no, I'll be nice, I swear!!! Could you just give me the number for where they are? Housekeeper: I'm afraid, I'm not at liberty to divulge that information. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, somebody is on their way to ruin wedding okay. And I have to warn somebody, alright. So if you don't give me that number then I'm going to come over there and kick your snooty ass all the way to New Glocken..shire. Housekeeper: Hangs up. Phoebe Buffay: Hello, Hello. Ohh, OHH, she knew I could kick her ass. Monica Geller: Hey. Ross Geller: Hi. Mom. Dad. Judy Geller: Sweetheart. Oh sorry were late, my fault, I insisted on riding the tube. Jack Geller: Judy, the kids.. Judy Geller: Jack, that's what they call the subway. Jack Geller: Ohh, I thought that you... Emily Waltham: Ohh, here comes my dad and stepmum. Mister and Misses Geller, this is Steven and Andrea Waltham. Stephen Waltham: Hello. Hello. How do you do? How do you do? Very nice to meet you. Darling it's the Gellers. Darling, it's the Gellers. She's very self-absorbed, you know. I should never have married her. Andrea Waltham: Sorry, what? Stephen Waltham: It's the Gellers! Andrea Waltham: Where? Stephen Waltham: Well there's one and there's another . Andrea Waltham: Lovely to meet you. Stephen Waltham: Terribly nice of you to offer to pay for half the wedding. Jack Geller: Ohh forget it. Too hell with tradition, we're happy to do it. Judy Geller: We know how expensive weddings can be, besides this may be the only wedding we get to throw . Monica Geller: Ha ha, a joke that's funny in all countries. Waiter: Sir? Joey Tribbiani: What's in it? Waiter: Goat cheese, water chestnuts, and panchetta. Joey Tribbiani: That's not food...No, I don't, no... Everything's different here...I want to go home. I...I miss my family. I miss the coffee house. I can't even remember what Phoebe looks like. Chandler Bing: Joey, it's been three days, okay.. Your just a little homesick, Okay. Would you just try to relax. Just, just try to enjoy yourself. Joey Tribbiani: Your different here too. Your mean in England. Jack Geller: What the hell!!! Ross Geller: what's up, Dad? Jack Geller: This bill for my half of the wedding. it's insane. Judy Geller: How could it be so much? The receptions at their house. Jack Geller: Flowers, liquor, recarpet first floor. New guest bath, landscaping. I'm paying to remodel this guys house. I'm going to give that son on a bitch, a piece of my mind. Ross Geller: Dad, dad, please. Look I don't want anything to upset Emily tonight. Alright, she's had a hard enough couple of days as it is. Now here, here, let me go talk to him, okay? Jack Geller: And you tell him no one takes advantage of the Gellers. Judy Geller: Ooh, Jack... Sometimes I forget how powerful you can be. Monica Geller: And I'm going to go get drunk. Rachel Green: Ooh, ooh, ooh,ooh,ooh. Hi. Ticket Agent: Hello. Rachel Green: Hello. Umm, when is your next flight to London? Ticket Agent: There's one leaving in thirty minutes. Rachel Green: Ohh, good. Ticket Agent: And I do have one seat left. Rachel Green: Ohh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Ticket Agent: The last minute fare on this ticket is twenty seven hundred dollars. Rachel Green: Huh.. How about 600? Ticket Agent: Sorry. Rachel Green: How about 600 and these earrings? Ticket Agent: They prefer it if I don't barter. Rachel Green: Ohh, I just don't think I have enough left on my credit card. Ticket Agent: Well you can split it with another credit card. Rachel Green: Ohh, okay, how about five. Ohh, thank you. Ticket Agent: I'm just going to need to see your passport. Rachel Green: Okay, you know what? I don't have it, but I can tell you exactly where it is on my night stand, and...okay. But you know what? I have my drivers license and I have a twenty. Ticket Agent: Ross Geller: Look, face it, my father is not going to pay for the build-in barbecue and believe me you can kiss you gazebo goodbye. Now I might be able to get you the new lawn. Stephen Waltham: Ahh, then you have to give us the lawn ornaments. Ross Geller: I go back there with lawn ornaments, he's going to laugh in my face. Andrea Waltham: This is ridiculous. I mean we had an agreement. Will you say something, Steven?! Please!!! Stephen Waltham: Don't take that tone with me. All-all right you can. Rachel Green: Hi, Pheebs. Phoebe Buffay: Oh thank god. Oh, you changed your mind. Oh, look I know you probably want to be alone, and you don't want to talk about it, that's fine. I just want you to know, I think you are doing the right thing and... Rachel Green: Bye, Pheebs. Phoebe Buffay: Wait!! Where are you going?! What are you doing?! No!! Wait!! God!! Why am I always pregnant when she does that?! Chandler Bing: I'd like to toast, Ross and Emily. Of course, my big toast will be tomorrow at the wedding, so this is kind of my little toast or Melba toast, if you will. Okay. I known Ross for a long time. In fact, I knew him when he was going out with his first girlfriend. And I thought things were going to work out for him.. Until the day he over inflated her. Ohh, Dear God.. Andrea Waltham: Hello, Waltham Interiors. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hi, Mrs. Waltham. I need to speak with ether one of the best men, or Ross's sister Monica. Andrea Waltham: Who is this? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'm Phoebe Buffay. I'm one of Ross's best friends. Andrea Waltham: Where did you get this number? Phoebe Buffay: I got it from your maid. She's a bitch, but I wore her down. Andrea Waltham: Well, if you're one of Ross's best friends, why aren't you here? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, um, I can't fly. I'm having my brother's babies. Andrea Waltham: Oh, am I on the radio? Phoebe Buffay: No..umm, could I talk to one of them? It's very very important. Andrea Waltham: No, I'm bored with you now. I'm going to cut you off. Phoebe Buffay: Ohh! Okay, I'm going to have to kick her ass too. Chandler Bing: And I'm sure we're all very excited that Ross and Emily are getting married at Montgomery Hall. I mean to think, my friend getting married in Monty Hall. Ohh, come on!! Monty Hall!! Lets make a Deal!! Come on, you people!! All right, forget it!! Congratulations, Ross and Emily. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, best man number two, Joey Tribbiani. Now I'm not good with the jokes like Chandler here. Boy...but ahh, I just want to say congratulation to the happy couple. I first met Ross in this coffee house back home...Home...New York City...Where everybody knows my name. Well anyway, I love you guys. But not as much as I love America. Could we please..go home now? Felicity: Are you going home? I was hoping to get to know you better. Joey Tribbiani: I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart. Monica Geller: I was laughing. Chandler Bing: Out loud? Monica Geller: Well I didn't want everyone to think I was stupid. Chandler Bing: So how are you doing? Monica Geller: My mother's driving me crazy, but Ross is getting married. I'm happy. I'm not going to let anything spoil that. Drunk Man: I just want to say that Ross is a wonderful young man. Monica Geller: Well, thanks, we like him. Drunk Man: My god!! You must have been a teenage when you had him. Jack Geller: There's no way in hell, I'm paying for it. Ross Geller: Look, were down to just one point. Could we please, maybe just settle it after the wedding. Jack Geller: All-right fine, but I just want to say, I'm not paying for your wine cellar. You thieving, would be speaking German if it weren't for us, cheap little man. Chandler Bing: The guy was hammered, okay? There's no way, you look like Ross's mother. Monica Geller: Then why would he say it? Chandler Bing: Because he's crazy. Okay? He came up to me earlier and thanked me for my very moving performance in Titanic. Monica Geller: Oh, my mother's right. I'm never going to get married. Chandler Bing: Ahh, you know what? That is...Who wouldn't want you? Monica Geller: Ohh, Please?! I'm a single mom, with a thirty year old son!! Rachel Green: Hi, I'm back. Listen, I need to... Ticket Agent: Hello. Rachel Green: Hello. I need to get on the 11 o'clock flight. Ticket Agent: Oh I'm afraid that plane has already pulled away from the gate. Rachel Green: Okay, you know what? You're going to have to call that plane and tell them to swing around and come and pick me up. Ticket Agent: I can't do that. Rachel Green: Sure, you know what? Come on, we'll just tell them that there was like a problem with like the "engine". Ticket Agent: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to step aside, Miss. Rachel Green: Look, If I don't get to London!! He is going to marry that other girl!!! Ticket Agent: I can't imagine why. Rachel Green: All right, you know what? I am not leaving here, until you call that plane back!! Ross Geller: I'm getting married today!! Whoo-hoo!! Chandler Bing: Morning, Ross. Ross Geller: I'm getting married, to..day!! Chandler Bing: Yeah you are!! Ross Geller: Ahh, whoo-hoo!! Monica Geller: Do you think he knew I was here? Rachel Green: Ohhh. Passenger: Ahh, ahh, excuse me. Rachel Green: Yeah? Passenger: If you're planning on doing that throughout the entire flight. Please tell me now. So that I could that a sedative...or perhaps slip you one. Rachel Green: Oh. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. Sorry. It's just, I'm ahh, I'm kinda excited. I'm, ahh, going to London to ahh, tell this guy that I love him and... Chandler Bing: Well I've-I've never done that with you before. Monica Geller: Nope. Chandler Bing: So, ahh, how are ya? How ya...How ya... You okay? Monica Geller: Yep, yep...You? Chandler Bing: Yes...Yes..Uh-huh, You? We did you. Monica Geller: Well...I'd better get going. Chandler Bing: Oh yea yea, absolutely. Monica Geller: Could you not look? Chandler Bing: I don't want to look. Joey Tribbiani: Hello? Phoebe Buffay: Hey, were the hell have you been?! Joey Tribbiani: Hey. I spent the night out. I met this cute bridesmaid. She is so... Phoebe Buffay: I don't want to hear about her!! Joey Tribbiani: Ahh Pheebs, you know you're still my number one girl. Phoebe Buffay: No! No, we have an emergency. Okay? Rachel's coming to London. Joey Tribbiani: Ohh great!!! Phoebe Buffay: No it's not great. No, she's coming to tell Ross that she loves him. Joey Tribbiani: But, he loves Emily? Phoebe Buffay: I KNOW THAT!!! You have to stop her!! She's going to ruin the wedding!! Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: All right, so, okay... Joey Tribbiani: Hold on. Hold on. Rachel coming. Do...Something. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so I'm done my part, okay. It's your responsibility now, okay. The burden is off me, right? Joey Tribbiani: Right! Phoebe Buffay: So tell me about this girl? Rachel Green: ...And so then I realised. All this stuff I had been doing. proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about why I couldn't come to the wedding. Was all just a way of... Passenger: Oh, oh oh!! I'm sorry, can I interrupt? You know I just want to say..That you are a horrible, horrible person. Rachel Green: Ehh, pardon me? Passenger: You say you love this man, yet you're about to ruin the happiest day of his life. I'm afraid I have to agree with you friend Pheebs.. This is a..this is a...terrible, terrible plan. Rachel Green: But he has to know how I feel! Passenger: But why? He loves this...this Emily person. No good can come of this. Rachel Green: Well I-I think your wrong. Passenger: Oh-no. Rachel Green: Well, he doesn't really love her. I mean, it's just a rebound thing from me... You'll see! Passenger: Fortunately, I won't. And by the way, it seems to be perfectly clear that you were on a break. Joey Tribbiani: Do something... Something... Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Chandler Bing: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Have you seen Monica? Chandler Bing: I'm not seeing Monica. Joey Tribbiani: What? Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: Look we've got to find her. Phoebe just called!! Rachel's coming to tell Ross she loves him!! Chandler Bing: Oh my god! Joey Tribbiani: I know! That's why we got to find Monica!! You know where she is? Chandler Bing: No!! Okay!! What's with the third degree?! Why don't you just shine a light in my eyes?! Judy Geller: Oh my God! It's like a fairyland. Andrea Waltham: I know, it's horrible isn't it? Monica Geller: Well, I love it. I only hope my wedding looks this good. Judy Geller: I just hope... Monica Geller: You can let some of them go by! Joey Tribbiani: Pisst, Monica. Alright, we really need to start looking out for Rachel. I'll cover the front door. You watch that big hole at the back of the building and I got Chandler covering Ross. Monica Geller: Why would I care where Chandler is? You know uhh...You know sometimes I don't even like Chandler. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Ross Geller: I do. I do. I do. Chandler Bing: Oh yea, your right. It's the second one. Ross Geller: Really? Felicity: Hello Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Felicity. Felicity: Umm, I thought about you all day. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Felicity: Um-hum. Talk New York to me again. Joey Tribbiani: Fuggetaboutit. How you doin? Felicity: Mmm. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah. Judy Geller: There's nothing to discuss. We're not paying for your wine cellar. Stephen Waltham: You-you have to meet me in the middle here. Jack Geller: Hey, you keep pushing me on this, my foots going to meet the middle of your ass. Ross Geller: Dad!! Emily Waltham: What-what's going on?! Ross Geller: Nothing, nothing. Everything's under control. Stephen Waltham: You want a piece of me, sir? Is that what your saying? You want a piece of me? Ross Geller: Okay! Okay! That's it!! Parents!! Parents!! Back away!! All right, this is our wedding day! From now on everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word. NO GRANDCHILDREN! That's right!! Jack Geller: Okay, okay. Stephen Waltham: Sorry old boy, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I could kill you with my thumb, you know. Emily Waltham: What was all that about? Ross Geller: It was...This disagreement over... My god. You...you look beautiful. Emily Waltham: Ohh... Oh! You were not meant to see me before the wedding. It's bad luck. Ross Geller: You know what, I think we've had all the bad luck we're going to have. Ross Geller: My God. Rachel! Your here. I can't believe it. What happen? Why are you here? Rachel Green: Well I just came... I just needed to tell you... Congratulations. Andrea Waltham: Hello, Waltham Interiors. Phoebe Buffay: Mrs. Waltham. Hi. It's Phoebe again. Andrea Waltham: Why?! Phoebe Buffay: Yea. Can I please, please, please talk to one of the best men? This is going to be the last time I promise. Andrea Waltham: Joey there's a girl on the phone for you. Joey Tribbiani: Ohh great!! Hello. Phoebe Buffay: Joey, it's Phoebe. Did you stop Rachel? Joey Tribbiani: No, but it's okay. She just came in and gave him a hug, that it. Phoebe Buffay: So nothing got ruined? Joey Tribbiani: No. Phoebe Buffay: Oh that's so great! Ohh, so what's going on now? Joey Tribbiani: Ah, I'm-I'm walking down the aisle...Still walking. I'm about to pass the bridesmaid I hooked up with last night. Hey! I told her "Hey." And now I'm at the front with Ross. It's Phoebe. He looks pretty mad. Uh...I'd better go. Phoebe Buffay: No!! wait, wait, wait!! Oh please, hold it up so I can listen. Chandler Bing: What we did last night was... Monica Geller: Stupid. Chandler Bing: Totally crazy stupid. Monica Geller: What were we thinking? Chandler Bing: I'm coming over tonight though, right? Monica Geller: Oh yeah. Definitely. Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. May the happiness we share with them today be with them always. Now Emily, repeat after me. I, Emily... Emily Waltham: I, Emily... Minister: Take thee Ross... Emily Waltham: Take thee Ross... Minister: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, till death parts us. Emily Waltham: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, until death parts us. Minister: Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross... Ross Geller: I Ross... Minister: Take thee, Emily... Ross Geller: Take thee, Rachel... Emily. Emily. Rachel Green: He-he said Rachel, right? Do you think I should go up there? Minister: Uhh...Shall I go on? Emily Waltham: Yes, yes, do go on. Jack Geller: He better go on for what I'm paying. Stephen Waltham: After what he just said, you're paying for the whole bloody lot. Minister: I think we'd better start again. Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross... Ross Geller: I, Ross... Minister: Take thee, EM-I-LY... Ross Geller: Take thee, Emily. Like there'd be anybody else. Minister: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, till death parts us. Andrea Waltham: Looks like that might come any minute. Ross Geller: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, until death parts us. Really, I do. Emily. Minister: May I have the rings? Emily, place this ring on Ross's finger as a symbol of your bond everlasting. Ross, place this ring in Emily's hand as a symbol of the love that encircles you forever. Ross Geller: Happy to. Minister: Ross and Emily have made their declarations and it gives me great pleasure to declare them husband and wife. Ross Geller: Yay! Minister: You may kiss the bride. Judy Geller: This is worse than when he married the lesbian. Emily Waltham: Just keep smiling. Ross Geller: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: Well, that went well. Yeah. Chandler Bing: It could've been worse, he could've shot her. Ross Geller: That uh, that was pretty funny. Wasn't it? Emily Waltham: You've spoiled everything! It's like a nightmare! My friends and family are out there! How can I face them?! How can you do this to me?! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, no matter what happens with Ross and Emily, we still get cake right? Ross Geller: That-that-that's all right, no honey, you take your time sweetie. I'll be right out here. She's just fixing her makeup. Emily Waltham: I hate you!! Ross Geller: And, I love you!! Jack Geller: Boy, bad time to say the wrong name, huh Ross? Ross Geller: That's true, thanks dad. People should be dancing! Huh? Hey, this is a party! Come on! Joey, dance!! Andrea Waltham: Yes, Waltham interiors. Phoebe Buffay: Uh, hello, this is Ross Geller's personal physician, Dr. Philange. Andrea Waltham: Who? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I've discovered that Ross forgot to take his brain medicine, uh, now without it, uh, in the brain of Ross, uh women's names are interchangeable, through-through no fault of his own. Andrea Waltham: Oh my God, Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: No, not Phoebe, Dr. Philange. Oh no! You have it too! Phoebe Buffay: Hello? What kind of bitch hangs up on a doctor! Chandler Bing: Hey. Monica Geller: Hey. Chandler Bing: Oh wow, I hope you don't take this the wrong way but, I know we had plans to meet up tonight and, ugh, I'm just kinda worried about what it might do to our friendship. Monica Geller: I know. How could we have let this happen? Chandler Bing: Seven times! Monica Geller: Ugh! Well, y'know, we were away... Chandler Bing: In a foreign, romantic country... Monica Geller: I blame London. Chandler Bing: Bad London! Monica Geller: So look umm, while we're st-still in London, I mean, we can keep doing it right? Chandler Bing: Well, I don't see that we have a choice. But, when we're back home, we don't do it. Monica Geller: Only here. Chandler Bing: Y'know, I saw a wine cellar downstairs... Monica Geller: I'll meet you there in two minutes. Chandler Bing: Okay! Rachel Green: Mon, honey, I gotta ask you something. Monica Geller: Now? Rachel Green: Ross said my name up there, I mean, come on, I just can't pretend that didn't happen can I? Monica Geller: Oh, I-I don't know. Rachel Green: Monica, what should I do? Monica Geller: Just uh, do the right thing. Rachel Green: What? Monica Geller: Toe the line. Thread the needle. Think outside the box! Rachel Green: Whoa, wait, listen, I think I'm just gonna talk to Ross about what he think it meant. Monica Geller: Wait. Rachel, no, he's married. Married! If you don't realise that, I can't help you. Rachel Green: Okay, you're right. You're right. You can't help me. Judy Geller: Jack, is it all our fault? Were we bad parents? Stephen Waltham: Yes. Jack Geller: Oh yeah, well who serves steak when there's no place to sit, I mean how are you supposed to eat this? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, what's up? Joey Tribbiani: You and me, next dance? Andrea Waltham: Sweetheart, sweetheart... Rachel Green: Yes? Andrea Waltham: You know, we're all wondering who this Rachel is. Can you point her out to me? Rachel Green: Oh, you know what? Rachel.. She just left. Andrea Waltham: Oh.. Never mind. Who are you? Rachel Green: Ra... Er.. Barbra. Andrea Waltham: Red Barbra? Rachel Green: Yeah. Monica Geller: Where were you? We were supposed to meet in the wine cellar? Chandler Bing: Forget it, that's off. Monica Geller: Why?! Stephen Waltham: The next tour of the wine cellar will plan in two in-in minutes... Monica Geller: Joey, what are you doing? You promised Phoebe you wouldn't eat meat until she has the babies! Joey Tribbiani: Well, I figured we're in another country, so it doesn't count. Monica Geller: That's true. Chandler Bing: The man's got a point. Rachel Green: Oh, hi! Ross Geller: Hi! Rachel Green: Hi. Sorry, things aren't working out so well. Ross Geller: Oh no! It could be better, but it's gonna be okay, right? Rachel Green: Oh yeah! Of course, I mean, she's gonna get over this, y'know? I mean, so you said my name! Y'know you just said it 'cause you saw me there, if you'd have seen a circus freak, you would've said, "I take thee circus freak." Y'know, it didn't mean anything, it's just a mistake. It didn't mean anything. Right? Ross Geller: No! No! Of course it didn't mean anything! I mean, uh well, I can understand why Emily would think it meant something, y'know, because-because it was you... Rachel Green: Right... Ross Geller: But it absolutely didn't. It didn't!! It didn't!! Joey Tribbiani: Ross, hey, the band's ready outside for your first dance with Emily, so... Ross Geller: Oh! Oh-oh, the band's ready! Well, I-I-we gotta do what the band says-I don't care about the stupid band!! Joey Tribbiani: You spit on me man! Ross Geller: Look, I'm sorry. Joey Tribbiani: Emily is kinda taking a long time, huh? Rachel Green: Y'know when I locked myself in the bathroom at my wedding, it was because I was trying to pop the window out of the frame. Ross Geller: Oh, right! Rachel Green: Get the hell out of there, y'know? Ross Geller: Emily? Emily? I'm coming in. Rachel Green: Well, look at that, same thing. Chandler Bing: Listen, in the middle of everything if I scream the word, "Yippee!" just ignore me. Monica Geller: Oh my God, Rachel! Hi! Chandler Bing: Oh, hello Rachel. Rachel Green: Ross said my name. Okay? My name. Monica Geller: How did you get in here? Rachel Green: If anybody asks, I'm your sister, Joan. Listen. C'mon, you guys. Ross said my name up there that obviously means that he still loves me! Chandler Bing: Your sister Joan is crazy. Rachel Green: Y'know what? Fine, I don't care. Don't believe me, I know I'm right-do you guys want to go downstairs and get a drink? Chandler Bing: Yes, we do. But, we have to change first. Monica Geller: Yes, I want to change. And why-why don't you go down and get us a table? Chandler Bing: Yeah, we'll be down in like five minutes. Monica Geller: Fifteen minutes. Rachel Green: Okay. Rachel Green: Hello? Oh, Pheebs! It's Phoebe! Chandler Bing: Oh, yay... Monica Geller: Great... Rachel Green: Hi! Phoebe Buffay: Hi, so what happened? Rachel Green: Well, Ross said my name. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I know, but I don't think that means anything. Rachel Green: Okay, Pheebs, y'know what, let's look at this objectively all right? Ninth grade, right? The obsession starts. All right? The summer after ninth grade he sees me in a two-piece for the first time, his obsession begins to grow. So then... Chandler Bing: Hey, listen, why don't we go change in my room? Monica Geller: But my clothes are-ohh! Chandler Bing: Wow, you look... Monica Geller: No time for that! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, dude, let me in. I got a girl out here! Chandler Bing: Well, I've got a girl in here. Joey Tribbiani: No you don't, I just saw you go in there with Monica! Chandler Bing: Well, we're-we're hanging out in here! Joey Tribbiani: Look, which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you? Chandler Bing: Well, I suppose I'd have to say you!! But, what if we're watching a movie in here? Monica Geller: Which we are, and-and we already paid for it. It's My Giant! Joey Tribbiani: My Giant? I love that movie! Monica Geller: You really think this is okay? Chandler Bing: Well, Ross and Emily aren't gonna use it. Monica Geller: Oh, it's so beautiful. Ohh! Y'know, I-I don't know if I feel right about this. Chandler Bing: Oh Mon-Mon-Mon-Mon-look, this is the honeymoon suite. The room expects sex. The room would be disappointed if it didn't get sex. All of the other honeymoon suites would think it was a loser. Monica Geller: Okay! Chandler Bing: Okay! Ross Geller: Emily?! Chandler Bing: Nope, not under here! Monica Geller: You didn't find her? Ross Geller: No, I've looked everywhere! Chandler Bing: Well, you couldn't have looked everywhere or else you would've found her! Monica Geller: Yeah, I think you should keep looking! Chandler Bing: Yeah, for about 30 minutes. Monica Geller: Or 45. Chandler Bing: Wow, in 45 minutes you can find her twice. Ross Geller: No! For all I know, she's trying to find me but couldn't because I kept moving around. No, from now on, I'm staying in one place. Right here. Monica Geller: Well, it's getting late. Chandler Bing: Yeah, we're gonna go. Ross Geller: Actually, do you guys mind staying here for a while? Monica Geller: Ugh, y'know, umm we gotta get up early and catch that plane for New York. Chandler Bing: Yeah, it's a very large plane. Ross Geller: That's cool. Chandler Bing: But, we'll stay here with you. Ross Geller: Thanks guys! I really appreciate this, y'know, but you don't have to rub my butt. Chandler Bing: We have to leave for New York in an hour. Monica Geller: I know, I've been looking at those doors, they look pretty sound proof, don't you think? Chandler Bing: We can't do that that's insane. I mean 'A' he could wake up and 'B' y'know, let's go for it. Ross Geller: Em-Emily? Em-Emily? Emily! Stephen Waltham: No. Andrea Waltham: You can forget about Emily, she's not with us. Stephen Waltham: We've come for her things. Ross Geller: Wait, well wh-wh-wh-where is she? Stephen Waltham: She's in hiding. She's utterly humiliated. She doesn't want to see you ever again. Andrea Waltham: We're very sad that it didn't work out between you and Emily, monkey. But, I think you're absolutely delicious. Stephen Waltham: Excuse me, I'm standing right here! Andrea Waltham: Oh yes, there you are. Rachel Green: Hey-hey, you guys oh hurry up, get some, there's a whole cart outside... Stephen Waltham: Goodbye Geller. Ross Geller: Now, hold on! Hold on! Look, look, your daughter and I are supposed to leave tonight for our honeymoon, now-now you-you tell her that I'm gonna be at that airport and I hope that she'll be there too! Oh yeah, I said Rachel's name, but it didn't mean anything, Okay? She's-she's just a friend and that's all! That's all! Now just tell Emily that I love her and that I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. Please, promise me that you'll tell her that. Stephen Waltham: All right, I'll tell her. Come on bugger face! Andrea Waltham: Call me. Stephen Waltham: You spend half your life in the bathroom, why don't you ever go out the bloody window! Monica Geller: Y'know, maybe it's best that we never got to do it again. Chandler Bing: Yeah, it kinda makes that-that one night special. Y'know, technically we still are over international waters. Monica Geller: I'm gonna go to the bathroom, maybe I'll see you there in a bit? Chandler Bing: 'Kay! Joey Tribbiani: Can I ask you something? Chandler Bing: Uhh, no. Joey Tribbiani: Felicity and I, we're watching My Giant, and I was thinking, "I'm never gonna be as good an actor as that giant." Do you think I'm just wasting my life with this acting thing? Chandler Bing: No. Joey Tribbiani: I mean, the giant is like five years younger than me, y'know, you think I'll ever get there? Chandler Bing: Yes. Joey Tribbiani: Thanks man. Chandler Bing: Okay man. Joey Tribbiani: But what about how much taller he is than me? Joey Tribbiani: I mean, there's no way I can make myself taller now, y'know? And who knows what science will come up with in the future, but Chandler, what if I die an unsuccessful, regular sized man? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Monica, wow you've been in the bathroom for like a half-hour. Monica Geller: I know! Joey Tribbiani: Had the beef-tips, huh? Ross Geller: Rach! Rach! Rachel Green: Hi! Ross Geller: Hi! What are you, what are you doing here? Rachel Green: Well, I-I-I've been on Standby for a flight home for hours. Ross Geller: Oh. Rachel Green: Ohh, so no sign of Emily huh? Ross Geller: Not yet. Rachel Green: So umm, what time are you supposed to leave? Gate Agent: This is the last call for Flight 1066 to Athens. The last call. Ross Geller: Pretty soon I guess. Rachel Green: Yeah. I'm sorry. Ross Geller: I just, I don't understand, I mean, how-how can she do this? Y'know, what, am I, am I like a complete idiot for thinking that she'd actually show up? Rachel Green: No, you're not an idiot, Ross. You're a guy very much in love. Ross Geller: Same difference. Gate Agent: All ticketed passengers for Flight 1066 to Athens should now be on board. Ross Geller: I get it! Well, that's that. Rachel Green: No, you know what, I think you should go. Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: Yeah, I do. I think you should go, by yourself, get some distance, clear your head, I think it'd be really good. Ross Geller: Oh, I don't, I don't, I don't know... Rachel Green: Oh, come on Ross! I think it would be really good for you! Ross Geller: I could, yeah, I can do that. Rachel Green: Yeah. Ross Geller: I can't, I can't even believe her! No, y'know what, I am, I am gonna go! Rachel Green: Good! Ross Geller: I know, why not? Rachel Green: Right! Ross Geller: Right? Rachel Green: Right! Ross Geller: Y'know-thanks! Rachel Green: Okay, I'll see you back at home, if I ever get a flight out of here. Ross Geller: Yeah, well...nah. Rachel Green: What? Wait, what? Ross Geller: Why don't you come, I mean, I-I have two tickets, why not? Rachel Green: Well-well, I don't know Ross-really? Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah, it'll be great! You can, you can lay on the beach and I can cry over my failed marriage. See-see how I make jokes? Rachel Green: Uh-huh. Ross Geller: No really, I mean, I mean, God, I could use a friend. Rachel Green: Oh wow, uh okay, uh maybe. Umm, yes, I can do that! Ross Geller: Okay! Rachel Green: Okay! Ross Geller: Cool! Rachel Green: All right! Ross Geller: Come on! Here. Rachel Green: Oh, okay, we're going. Yeah. Ross Geller: Ah! Ah! I forgot my jacket! Rachel Green: Oh, wait-wait-wait... Ross Geller: You tell them to wait! Rachel Green: Okay. Wait! Wait! Ross Geller: Emily. Ross Geller: Oh no-no-no! Oh-no! No! No! Emily! Rachel Green: Ahh, yes, I will have a glass of the Merlot Air Hostess: Okay. Rachel Green: And uh, he will have a white wine spritzer. Air Hostess: Okay, good. Thank you. I'll be back shortly, all right? Rachel Green: All right. Woo! Hey, look at that, the airport's moving. Hey, are we moving?! Are we moving? Why are we moving? They said they were gonna wait! Miss? Yeah, does the captain know that we're moving? Oh my... Ross, you better be under the wheels of this thing!! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hi! Phoebe Buffay: You ate meat! You had sex! Chandler Bing: No we didn't! Phoebe Buffay: I know you didn't, I was talking about Monica. Monica Geller: Phoebe, I did not have sex. Phoebe Buffay: This pregnancy is throwing me all off. Joey Tribbiani: All right, I'm gonna go say hi the chick and the duck. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, me too! Joey Tribbiani: Why would you need to say hi to them, you've been feeding them for four days? Phoebe Buffay: Oh right, maybe I'll just go home. Monica Geller: Well, we certainly are alone. Chandler Bing: Yes! Good thing we have that, 'Not in New York' rule. Monica Geller: Right. Umm, listen since we're-we-re on that subject, umm, I just wanted to tell you that uh, well, I-I was going through a really hard time in London, what with my brother getting married and that guy thinking I was Ross's mother... Chandler Bing: Right. Monica Geller: Well, an-anyway, I just-that night meant a lot to me, I guess I'm just trying to say thanks. Chandler Bing: Oh. Y'know, that night meant a lot to me too, and it wasn't because I was in a bad place or anything, it just meant a lot to me 'cause, you're really hot! Is that okay? Monica Geller: That's okay. Chandler Bing: And I'm cute too. Monica Geller: And you're cute too. Chandler Bing: Thank you! All right, I gotta go unpack. Monica Geller: Okay. Chandler Bing: Bye. Chandler Bing: I'm still on London time, does that count? Monica Geller: That counts! Chandler Bing: Oh, good!
Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross... Ross Geller: I Ross... Minister: Take thee, Emily... Ross Geller: Take thee, Rachel... Emily. Emily. Minister: Uhh...Shall I go on? Rachel Green: He-he said Rachel, right? Do you think I should go up there? Emily Waltham: Yes, yes, do go on. Minister: I think we'd better start again. Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross... Ross Geller: I, Ross... Minister: Take thee, EM-I-LY... Ross Geller: Take thee, Emily. Like there'd be anybody else. Minister: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, till death parts us. Ross Geller: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, until death parts us. Really, I do. Emily. Minister: May I have the rings? Emily, place this ring on Ross's finger as a symbol of your bond everlasting. Ross, place this ring in Emily's hand as a symbol of the love that encircles you forever. Ross Geller: Happy too. Minister: Ross and Emily have made their declarations and it gives me great pleasure to declare them husband and wife. Ross Geller: Yay! Minister: You may kiss the bride. Judy Geller: This is worse than when he married the lesbian. Emily Waltham: Just keep smiling. Ross Geller: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: Well, that went well. Yeah. Chandler Bing: It could've been worse, he could've shot her. Ross Geller: That uh, that was pretty funny. Wasn't it? Emily Waltham: You've spoiled everything! It's like a nightmare! My friends and family are out there! How can I face them?! How can you do this to me?! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, no matter what happens with Ross and Emily, we still get cake right? Ross Geller: That-that-that's all right, no honey, you take your time sweetie. I'll be right out here. She's just fixing her makeup. Emily Waltham: I hate you!! Ross Geller: And, I love you!! Jack Geller: Boy, bad time to say the wrong name, huh Ross? Ross Geller: That's true, thanks dad. People should be dancing! Huh? Hey, this is a party! Come on! Joey, dance!! Andrea Waltham: Yes, Waltham interiors. Phoebe Buffay: Uh, hello, this is Ross Geller's personal physician, Dr. Philange. Andrea Waltham: Who? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I've discovered that Ross forgot to take his brain medicine, uh, now without it, uh, in the brain of Ross, uh women's names are interchangeable, through-through no fault of his own. Andrea Waltham: Oh my God, Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: No, not Phoebe, Dr. Philange. Oh no! You have it too! Phoebe Buffay: Hello? Chandler Bing: Hey. Monica Geller: Hey. Chandler Bing: Oh wow, I hope you don't take this the wrong way but, I know we had plans to meet up tonight and, ugh, I'm just kinda worried about what it might do to our friendship. Monica Geller: I know. How could we have let this happen? Chandler Bing: Seven times! Monica Geller: Ugh! Well, y'know, we were away... Chandler Bing: In a foreign, romantic country... Monica Geller: I blame London. Chandler Bing: Bad London! Monica Geller: So look umm, while we're st-still in London, I mean, we can keep doing it right? Chandler Bing: Well, I don't see that we have a choice. But, when we're back home, we don't do it. Monica Geller: Only here. Chandler Bing: Y'know, I saw a wine cellar downstairs... Monica Geller: I'll meet you there in two minutes. Chandler Bing: Okay! Rachel Green: Mon, honey, I gotta ask you something. Monica Geller: Now? Rachel Green: Ross said my name up there, I mean, come on, I just can't pretend that didn't happen can I? Monica Geller: Oh, I-I don't know. Rachel Green: Monica, what should I do? Monica Geller: Just uh, do the right thing. Rachel Green: What? Monica Geller: Toe the line. Thread the needle. Think outside the box! Rachel Green: Whoa, wait, listen, I think I'm just gonna talk to Ross about what he think it meant. Monica Geller: Wait. Rachel, no, he's married. Married! If you don't realize that, I can't help you. Rachel Green: Okay, you're right. You're right. You can't help me. Judy Geller: Jack, is it all our fault? Were we bad parents? Stephen Waltham: Yes. Jack Geller: Oh yeah, well who serves steak when there's no place to sit, I mean how are you supposed to eat this? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, what's up? Monica Geller: Where were you? We were supposed to meet in the wine cellar? Chandler Bing: Forget it, that's off. Monica Geller: Why?! Stephen Waltham: The next tour of the wine cellar will plan in two in-in minutes... Monica Geller: Joey, what are you doing? You promised Phoebe you wouldn't eat meat until she has the babies! Joey Tribbiani: Well, I figured we're in another country, so it doesn't count. Monica Geller: That's true. Chandler Bing: The man's got a point. Rachel Green: Oh, hi! Ross Geller: Hi! Rachel Green: Hi. Sorry, things aren't working out so well. Ross Geller: Oh no! It could be better, but it's gonna be okay, right? Rachel Green: Oh yeah! Of course, I mean, she's gonna get over this, y'know? I mean, so you said my name! Y'know you just said it 'cause you saw me there, if you'd have seen a circus freak, you would've said, "I take thee circus freak." Y'know, it didn't mean anything, it's just a mistake. It didn't mean anything. Right? Ross Geller: No! No! Of course it didn't mean anything! I mean, uh well, I can understand why Emily would think it meant something, y'know, because-because it was you... Rachel Green: Right... Ross Geller: But it absolutely didn't. It didn't!! It didn't!! Joey Tribbiani: Ross, hey, the band's ready outside for your first dance with Emily, so... Ross Geller: Oh! Oh-oh, the band's ready! Well, I-I-we gotta do what the band says-I don't care about the stupid band!! Joey Tribbiani: You spit on me man! Ross Geller: Look, I'm sorry. Joey Tribbiani: Emily is kinda taking a long time, huh? Rachel Green: Y'know when I locked myself in the bathroom at my wedding, it was because I was trying to pop the window out of the frame. Ross Geller: Oh, right! Rachel Green: Get the hell out of there, y'know? Ross Geller: Emily? Emily? I'm coming in. Rachel Green: Well, look at that, same thing. Chandler Bing: Listen, in the middle of everything if I scream the word, "Yippee!" just ignore me. Monica Geller: Oh my God, Rachel! Hi! Chandler Bing: Oh, hello Rachel. Rachel Green: Ross said my name. Okay? My name. Ross said my name up there that obviously means that he still loves me! Okay, don't believe me, I know I'm right-do you guys want to go downstairs and get a drink? Chandler Bing: Yes, we do. But, we have to change first. Monica Geller: Yes, I want to change. And why-why don't you go down and get us a table? Chandler Bing: Yeah, we'll be down in like five minutes. Monica Geller: Fifteen minutes. Rachel Green: Okay. Rachel Green: Hello? Oh, Pheebs! It's Phoebe! Chandler Bing: Oh, yay... Monica Geller: Great... Rachel Green: Hi! Phoebe Buffay: Hi, so what happened? Rachel Green: Well, Ross said my name. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I know, but I don't think that means anything. Rachel Green: Okay, Pheebs, y'know what, let's look at this objectively all right? Ninth grade, right? The obsession starts. All right? The summer after ninth grade he sees me in a two-piece for the first time, his obsession begins to grow. So then... Chandler Bing: Hey, listen, why don't we go change in my room? Monica Geller: But my clothes are-ohh! Chandler Bing: Wow, you look... Monica Geller: No time for that! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, dude, let me in. I got a girl out here! Chandler Bing: Well, I've got a girl in here. Joey Tribbiani: No you don't, I just saw you go in there with Monica! Chandler Bing: Well, we're-we're hanging out in here! Joey Tribbiani: Look, which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you? Chandler Bing: Well, I suppose I'd have to say you!! But, what if we're watching a movie in here? Monica Geller: Which we are, and-and we already paid for it. It's My Giant! Joey Tribbiani: My Giant? I love that movie! Monica Geller: You really think this is okay? Chandler Bing: Well, Ross and Emily aren't gonna use it. Monica Geller: Oh, it's so beautiful. Ohh! Y'know, I-I don't know if I feel right about this. Chandler Bing: Oh Mon-Mon-Mon-Mon-look, this is the honeymoon suite. The room expects sex. The room would be disappointed if it didn't get sex. All of the other honeymoon suites would think it was a loser. Monica Geller: Okay! Chandler Bing: Okay! Ross Geller: Emily?! Chandler Bing: Nope, not under here! Monica Geller: You didn't find her? Ross Geller: No, I've looked everywhere! Chandler Bing: Well, you couldn't have looked everywhere or else you would've found her! Monica Geller: Yeah, I think you should keep looking! Chandler Bing: Yeah, for about 30 minutes. Monica Geller: Or 45. Chandler Bing: Wow, in 45 minutes you can find her twice. Ross Geller: No! For all I know, she's trying to find me but couldn't because I kept moving around. No, from now on, I'm staying in one place. Right here. Monica Geller: Well, it's getting late. Chandler Bing: Yeah, we're gonna go. Ross Geller: Actually, do you guys mind staying here for a while? Monica Geller: Ugh, y'know, umm we gotta get up early and catch that plane for New York. Chandler Bing: Yeah, it's a very large plane. Ross Geller: That's cool. Chandler Bing: But, we'll stay here with you. Ross Geller: Thanks guys! I really appreciate this, y'know, but you don't have to rub my butt. Chandler Bing: We have to leave for New York in an hour. Monica Geller: I know, I've been looking at those doors, they look pretty sound proof, don't you think? Chandler Bing: We can't do that that's insane. I mean 'A' he could wake up and 'B' y'know, let's go for it. Ross Geller: Em-Emily? Em-Emily? Emily! Stephen Waltham: No. Andrea Waltham: You can forget about Emily, she's not with us. Stephen Waltham: We've come for her things. Ross Geller: Wait, well wh-wh-wh-where is she? Stephen Waltham: She's in hiding. She's utterly humiliated. She doesn't want to see you ever again. Andrea Waltham: We're very sad that it didn't work out between you and Emily, monkey. But, I think you're absolutely delicious. Stephen Waltham: Excuse me, I'm standing right here! Andrea Waltham: Oh yes, there you are. Rachel Green: Hey-hey, you guys oh hurry up, get some, there's a whole cart outside... Stephen Waltham: Goodbye Geller. Ross Geller: Now, hold on! Hold on! Look, look, your daughter and I are supposed to leave tonight for our honeymoon, now-now you-you tell her that I'm gonna be at that airport and I hope that she'll be there too! Oh yeah, I said Rachel's name, but it didn't mean anything, Okay? She's-she's just a friend and that's all! That's all! Now just tell Emily that I love her and that I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. Please, promise me that you'll tell her that. Stephen Waltham: All right, I'll tell her. Come on bugger face! Andrea Waltham: Call me. Stephen Waltham: You spend half your life in the bathroom, why don't you ever go out the bloody window! Monica Geller: Y'know, maybe it's best that we never got to do it again. Chandler Bing: Yeah, it kinda makes that-that one night special. Y'know, technically we still are over international waters. Monica Geller: I'm gonna go to the bathroom, maybe I'll see you there in a bit? Chandler Bing: 'Kay! Joey Tribbiani: Can I ask you something? Chandler Bing: Uhh, no. Joey Tribbiani: Felicity and I, we're watching My Giant, and I was thinking, "I'm never gonna be as good an actor as that giant." Do you think I'm just wasting my life with this acting thing? Chandler Bing: No. Joey Tribbiani: I mean, the giant is like five years younger than me, y'know, you think I'll ever get there? Chandler Bing: Yes. Joey Tribbiani: Thanks man. Chandler Bing: Okay man. Joey Tribbiani: But what about how much taller he is than me? Joey Tribbiani: I mean, there's no way I can make myself taller now, y'know? And who knows what science will come up with in the future, but Chandler, what if I die an unsuccessful, regular sized man? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Monica, wow you've been in the bathroom for like a half-hour. Monica Geller: I know! Joey Tribbiani: Had the beef-tips, huh? Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hi! Phoebe Buffay: You ate meat! You had sex! Chandler Bing: No we didn't! Phoebe Buffay: I know you didn't, I was talking about Monica. Monica Geller: Phoebe, I did not have sex. Phoebe Buffay: This pregnancy is throwing me all off. Joey Tribbiani: All right, I'm gonna go say hi the chick and the duck. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, me too! Joey Tribbiani: Why would you need to say hi to them, you've been feeding them for four days? Phoebe Buffay: Oh right, maybe I'll just go home. Monica Geller: Well, we certainly are alone. Chandler Bing: Yes! Good thing we have that, 'Not in New York' rule. Monica Geller: Right. Umm, listen since we're-we-re on that subject, umm, I just wanted to tell you that uh, well, I-I was going through a really hard time in London, what with my brother getting married and that guy thinking I was Ross's mother... Chandler Bing: Right. Monica Geller: Well, an-anyway, I just-that night meant a lot to me, I guess I'm just trying to say thanks. Chandler Bing: Oh. Y'know, that night meant a lot to me too, and it wasn't because I was in a bad place or anything, it just meant a lot to me 'cause, you're really hot! Is that okay? Monica Geller: That's okay. Chandler Bing: And I'm cute too. Monica Geller: And you're cute too. Chandler Bing: Thank you! All right, I gotta go unpack. Monica Geller: Okay. Chandler Bing: Bye. Chandler Bing: I'm still on London time, does that count? Monica Geller: That counts! Chandler Bing: Oh, good! Ross Geller: Rach! Rach! Rachel Green: Hi! Ross Geller: Hi! What are you, what are you doing here? Rachel Green: Well, I-I-I've been on Standby for a flight home for hours. Ross Geller: Oh. Rachel Green: Ohh, so no sign of Emily huh? Ross Geller: Not yet. Rachel Green: So umm, what time are you supposed to leave? Gate Agent: This is the last call for Flight 1066 to Athens. The last call. Ross Geller: Pretty soon I guess. Rachel Green: Yeah. I'm sorry. Ross Geller: I just, I don't understand, I mean, how-how can she do this? Y'know, what, am I, am I like a complete idiot for thinking that she'd actually show up? Rachel Green: No, you're not an idiot, Ross. You're a guy very much in love. Ross Geller: Same difference. Gate Agent: All ticketed passengers for Flight 1066 to Athens should now be on board. Ross Geller: I get it! Well, that's that. Rachel Green: No, you know what, I think you should go. Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: Yeah, I do. I think you should go, by yourself, get some distance, clear your head, I think it'd be really good. Ross Geller: Oh, I don't, I don't, I don't know... Rachel Green: Oh, come on Ross! I think it would be really good for you! Ross Geller: I could, yeah, I can do that. Rachel Green: Yeah. Ross Geller: I can't, I can't even believe her! No, y'know what, I am, I am gonna go! Rachel Green: Good! Ross Geller: I know, why not? Rachel Green: Right! Ross Geller: Right? Rachel Green: Right! Ross Geller: Y'know-thanks! Rachel Green: Okay, I'll see you back at home, if I ever get a flight out of here. Ross Geller: Yeah, well...nah. Rachel Green: What? Wait, what? Ross Geller: Why don't you come, I mean, I-I have two tickets, why not? Rachel Green: Well-well, I don't know Ross-really? Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah, it'll be great! You can, you can lay on the beach and I can cry over my failed marriage. See-see how I make jokes? Rachel Green: Uh-huh. Ross Geller: No really, I mean, I mean, God, I could use a friend. Rachel Green: Oh wow, uh okay, uh maybe. Umm, yes, I can do that! Ross Geller: Okay! Rachel Green: Okay! Ross Geller: Cool! Rachel Green: All right! Ross Geller: Come on! Here. Rachel Green: Oh, okay, we're going. Yeah. Ross Geller: Ah! Ah! I forgot my jacket! Rachel Green: Oh, wait-wait-wait... Ross Geller: You tell them to wait! Rachel Green: Okay. Wait! Wait! Ross Geller: Emily. Ross Geller: Oh no-no-no! Oh-no! No! No! Emily! Rachel Green: Ahh, yes, I will have a glass of the Merlot and uh, he will have a white wine spritzer. Woo! Hey, look at that, the airport's moving. Hey, are we moving?! Are we moving? Why are we moving? Hey, time-out, umm, yeah, does the captain know that we're moving? Oh my God. Oh, my gosh.
Monica Geller: You look cute in bubbles. Chandler Bing: Ehh, you're just liquored up. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, it's me! I'm comin' in! Chandler Bing: I've had a very long, hard day. Joey Tribbiani: Ahh, I'm gonna go get some chicken. Want some? Chandler Bing: Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: You sure? Some extra crispy? Dirty rice? Beans? Chandler Bing: For the last time no! Get out! Get out, Joey! Joey Tribbiani: All right! Chandler Bing: Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken. Monica Geller: Chicken? I could eat some chicken. Chandler Bing: Hey Joe! Chandler Bing: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke-(Yelps in Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey, Pheebs! Joey Tribbiani: Mornin' Pheebs! Phoebe Buffay: I have to tell you this story. Okay, I was coming over here and this driver... Joey Tribbiani: Was his name Angus? Phoebe Buffay: What? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, he was this cab driver we had in London. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Ha-ha-ha. All right, anyway... Monica Geller: Wait, what that place, that pub he took us too? Chandler Bing: Uh, The Wheatsheaf. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-yeah-yeah, and they had that beer! That uh... Monica Geller: Bodington's! Everyone: Bodington's! Woohoo! Chandler Bing: Ooh! Ahh, Pheebs, was gonna tell a story. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, so, he had a really funny hat-I don't want to talk about it. Ross Geller: Hey! Everyone: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Ross, Bodington's! Ross Geller: Yeah! Joey Tribbiani: That was good beer. Ross Geller: Ohh... Joey Tribbiani: Y'know, I'd walk back to London for another frosty one of those bad boys. Ross Geller: Y'know, I think they have those at that British pub near the trade center. Joey Tribbiani: Later! Ross Geller: Isn't Rachel supposed to be back by now? Monica Geller: Yeah, but her plane got delayed in Athens. But actually, she should be here by now. Ross Geller: Oh, so-so you talked to her. Did she, did she sound mad? Monica Geller: No, but she likes me. You abandoned her on a plane to Greece. Ross Geller: Okay, I did not abandon Rachel! Okay? Emily showed up at the airport! I had to go after her! I mean, I-I did what I had to do! She's my wife! Rachel is my wife! Y'know-Emily! Emily, is my wife! Man, what is that? Phoebe Buffay: So you still hadn't heard from Emily? Ross Geller: No, not since I lost her at the airport. Chandler Bing: I can't believe she can out run you man! Ross Geller: HEY, SHE'S FAST!! OKAY?!! Oh! You-you think you can be beat me? Let's go! Outside!! Rachel Green: Hi! Everyone: Hey! Ross Geller: Rach, Rach, I am so sorry. I am so-so sorry. Rachel Green: Oh Ross, come on! You just did what you had to do. Ross Geller: That's it? You're not mad? I mean, it must've been terrible. Rachel Green: Terrible? Hell, I was in Greece! That was a nice hotel! Nice beach, met the nice people. Not to shabby for Rachel. Ross Geller: So, what? That's it? Rachel Green: Well, yeah! We're cool. Totally cool. Ross Geller: Oh, thanks. Oh, you're the best. Rachel Green: Oh no, you're the best. Ross Geller: Ohh, I gotta go to the flower store! Check it out, no one will tell me where Emily is, so I'm gonna send 72 long-stem, red roses to Emily's parent's house, one for each day that I've known and loved her. That oughta get her talking to me again. Chandler Bing: Oh, Ross, when you make out card; be sure to make it out to, EM-I-LY. Monica Geller: Rach, that's great! It's so good that you had a good time in Greece! Rachel Green: What?! I didn't have a good time in Greece! Ross abandoned me! Okay, I couldn't get a plane out, so I had to stay in their honeymoon suite with people coming up to me all the time going, "Oh, Mrs. Geller, why are you crying?" I mean, it was sooo humiliating. I felt like such an idiot! I mean, it's all my fault! And you know why, because I make very bad decisions. Chandler Bing: Oh that's not true. Rachel Green: Yes it is! It is true! I went, I went after Ross in stupid London. Phoebe Buffay: London is stupid! Stupid! Rachel Green: Phoebe, you were right. I should've never gone to London, and from now on you make all of my decisions for me. Phoebe Buffay: Oh... No, I did that for someone once and I'm not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someone's life. Monica Geller: I'll do it! Rachel Green: That's fine. So Monica, you are now in control of my love life. Chandler Bing: Okay, I gotta go to work. Chandler Bing: And uh, Rachel, glad to have you back. Chandler Bing: Pheebs! Always a pleasure. Monica Geller: Oh, Rachel, sweetie, look, here's a really cute picture of Joey and you at the reception. Rachel Green: Ohh, he's married! Ross is married. I can't-I still can't believe it. Monica Geller: Honey, sweetie, by the edges. Rachel Green: I mean, y'know I'm just gonna have to accept it ... Monica Geller: Ohh. Rachel Green: ...I mean it's my fault. Monica Geller: Sweetie! Edges! Fingers! Smudgey! Pictures! Rachel Green: Oh my God! Monica Geller: Okay. That's okay. I-I know that you're very upset right now. I know, I know that wasn't about me. Joey Tribbiani: I bet it was about her a little. Monica Geller: If you would stop thinking about Ross for one minute you would notice that there are great guys everywhere! I mean, look! Look, Gunther! I mean, he's nice, he's cute. Rachel Green: Yeah, I guess Gunther is kinda... Monica Geller: Oh, what about that guy over there? Remember? That is the guy you flirted with at the counter that time. Rachel Green: Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Monica Geller: You're going to talk to him! Y'know what? We made a deal, I make your decisions and I say you're going to talk to him. Rachel Green: All right, you're the boss. I guess I gotta do what you tell me. Joey Tribbiani: Say that to him and you're golden. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Rachel Green: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Pheebs! Monica Geller: We got out pictures back from London. Here's all of us at the Tower of London. Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Here we all are! Yeah, there's Ross and Joey and you and me. Chandler Bing: All right, y'know what, we've been talking about London too much haven't we? Phoebe Buffay: No. I'm sorry. It's just 'cause I couldn't be there. 'Cause all I ever get to do now is pregnant stuff, it just bums me out. Everyone: Sorry. Monica Geller: What happened? Rachel Green: Well, y'know, a little of this, a little of that. Got myself a date tomorrow night. Monica Geller: See, didn't I tell you?! You're getting over Ross already! Rachel Green: Well... Gunther: Get out! Monica Geller: What took you so long? Chandler Bing: I got caught up and work, but I'm quitting tomorrow. Monica Geller: Oh, good. Chandler Bing: So, thanks for having me over! Rach. Pheebs. Joey Tribbiani: See ya!! What the hell was that?! Monica Geller: Probably some y'know, European good-bye thing he picked up in London. Rachel Green: That's not European! Phoebe Buffay: Well, it felt French. Rachel Green: Oh God, I really had a good time! Dave: Yeah, me too. So, I guess this is it. Rachel Green: Yeah. Umm, unless you wanna come inside? Dave: Yeah! Rachel Green: Okay. Oh, uh, wait a minute, y'know what? I uh, I can't decide this. Umm, okay, just hold on a second. Dave: Okay, yeah! Rachel Green: Umm, hi! Ross Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: Is Monica around? I-I have to ask her something. Ross Geller: She's doing her laundry. Rachel Green: What's that? Ross Geller: It came in the mail today, it's uh, 72 long-stemmed red roses, one for each day that I've known and loved Emily, cut up into mulch! Rachel Green: Oh, honey that's awful. Ross Geller: Oh, it's not so bad. Monica's gonna make potpourri! I think I'm gonna go wander out in the rain for a while. Rachel Green: But, it's not raining. Ross Geller: I can't catch a break! Rachel Green: Y'know what Ross? You're not going anywhere. You're gonna sit right here. I'm gonna make you a cup of tea and we're gonna talk this thing whole out. All right? Hey, Dave! Dave: Yeah? Rachel Green: Umm, listen, I'm gonna need to take a rain check, my roommate is just really sick. Okay? Bye! Honey, listen, I know, I know things seem so bad right now. Monica Geller: Rach? Can I talk to for just a minute? I-I dropped some socks. Rachel Green: Yeah. Monica Geller: What is the matter with you?! Do you want to fall into the trap? Do you want to fall into the trap?! Rachel Green: Ohh! You did not drop any socks! Monica Geller: I just ran into Dave and he told me that you blew him off! I mean, you listen to me! Now, I'm calling the shots! I say you leave Ross alone and go get Dave! What the hell were you trying to do? Rachel Green: Well, ultimately, I was trying y'know, I-I wanted...tell him y'know, that I'm still in love with him. Monica Geller: What?!! You cannot tell him that!! Rachel Green: Why? Why not?! People love to hear that! Monica Geller: I make the decisions, and I say no. Rachel Green: Well, y'know what, no, you do not make my decisions because y'know what, you're fired. Monica Geller: You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired!" Ha! Rachel Green: Well... Monica Geller: Rachel!! Come on! Let me in! Joey Tribbiani: Havin' some trouble? Monica Geller: Rachel locked the door. Joey Tribbiani: I'll kick that door in if you give me a little sugar. Monica Geller: Rachel! Let me in! Rachel! Monica Geller: Thank you. Rachel, can I talk to you outside for a sec? Rachel Green: No. Monica Geller: I really need to talk to you. Rachel Green: Well, then talk! Monica Geller: Okay, I will. Remember that thing that we just discussed that you wanted to do? Rachel Green: Yes! Ross Geller: What thing? Monica Geller: Well, Rachel wants to take swing dance lessons. Which I think is a really stupid idea! It's dangerous, she's never gonna get what she wants, and who knows who she might end up hurting. Ross Geller: Monica's right, swing dancing can be tricky. I'm gonna use the phone. I gotta cancel those five giant teddy bears I sent to Emily. My God, think of the massacre. Rachel Green: I'm gonna do it. Monica Geller: All right, Rachel, I know-I know you think I'm crazy, please, before you tell him you love him, just-just try to find one person who thinks this is a good idea. Because I bet you, you can't. Rachel Green: But I... Monica Geller: Please! Rachel Green: All right, fine. Monica Geller: Joey, I'm in! Joey Tribbiani: All right. Good deal. Everyone: Pheebs! Hey Pheebs! Joey Tribbiani: Uh, okay, Pheebs? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? Joey Tribbiani: Umm, y'know how the other day you were talking about how you didn't get to go to London and how you were kinda feeling left out? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? Joey Tribbiani: All right, well, we felt really bad about that so we decided we should all take a little trip together! Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, that's so nice! How great! Well, where? Where's the trip?! Monica Geller: Well, we thought we would all go to a picnic , in Central Park! Phoebe Buffay: Central... Park! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, all of us! All day! Phoebe Buffay: That sucks! That's not a trip! I just came from the park! What are we gonna high five about at the stupid Central Park? "Well, it's right by my house, all right!" Chandler Bing: Well, I'm gonna go home and bask in the triumph of my Central Park idea. Rachel Green: Hey-whoa-whoa-whoa!! Ho-ho-hold on a sec there, Mr. Kissey! Y'know, I've been meaning to talk to you about this whole, little, new European thing you got going on, and I just need to tell you that it makes me very uncomfortable and I just-y'know-stop it! Chandler Bing: I was just trying to bring a little culture to the group. Phoebe Buffay: That's fine, just don't bring it in my mouth. Monica Geller: Makes me wanna puke! Ross Geller: Hey everybody, Pheebs is here! Joey Tribbiani: Phoebe! Chandler Bing: Hey, Pheebs! Rachel Green: Phoebe, woo! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, woo! Hi. Chandler Bing: Okay, Pheebs, we decided the picnic idea was a little... Y'know, it didn't have any... It-it, well it blew. So, we thought, that this afternoon that we would all go away for the whole weekend to, Atlantic City! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, Atlantic City! Oh, that's a great plan! Who's plan was that? Joey Tribbiani: Mine! Ross Geller: Wait! It was my plan. Joey Tribbiani: Nooo, I said we needed a new plan. Ross Geller: And, I came up with Atlantic City. Joey Tribbiani: Which, is the new plan! Monica Geller: Okay, well, why don't we all meet upstairs in an hour? Phoebe Buffay: Okay! Ooh-ahh, I'm gonna go pack. I'm gonna go pack my ass off! Monica Geller: Come on Rach, let's go. Rachel Green: Yeah, y'know what? I'm-I'm gonna meet you upstairs in a minute. Monica Geller: No! Rachel, you didn't find anyone so you can't tell him. Rachel Green: Well, y'know what, that doesn't matter. Monica Geller: Okay, Rachel, do you have any idea how painful it is to tell someone that you love them and not have them say it back? Rachel Green: Yeah, I-I don't care. Monica Geller: Okay. I-I can't watch. Rachel Green: What 'cha readin'? Ross Geller: The paper. Rachel Green: Yeah, what's it about? Ross Geller: Events from around the globe. Rachel Green: Okay. Uhh, Ross, y'know what, there's something that I-that I have to talk to you about and everybody's saying that I shouldn't tell you, but I think they're wrong. I mean, and you know how people can be wrong. Ross Geller: Sure. Once, at work I-I thought carbon dating was fossilized... Rachel Green: Okay, Ross, I'm really trying to tell you something here. Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: Okay. Ross Geller: Go ahead. Rachel Green: Umm, okay, I think I'm-I'm just gonna-just gonna say it. Just gonna say it. Uhh, I'm still in love with you Ross. Ross Geller: Wow. Umm... Huh... I'm-I'm not sure what to do with that right now. Ross Geller: What? What? Was that a joke? 'Cause it's mean. Rachel Green: I'm so dead serious. I'm totally serious. Ross Geller: Why are you laughing? Rachel Green: Because , because, I just heard it. I heard it, and it's ridiculous! I mean, you're married. You're-you're married and it's just ridiculous, and it's like, it's like when said it, I sort of like, I floated up out of my body, y'know? And, and-and then I heard myself say it and then the floating Rachel was like, "You are such an idiot!" Ross Geller: Well, well I am married. Even though I haven't spoken to my wife since the wedding. Rachel Green: I'm sorry, that's not funny. Ross Geller: Actually, it kinda is. My wife won't return my calls. I don't know where my wife is. "Hey Ross, where's the Mrs.?" Don't know! Rachel Green: Oh God, ohh, okay, y'know what, do you think ah, do you think that you just forget that I told you this? Ross Geller: Well, I kinda half to. I mean, because the thing is... Rachel Green: The thing is y'know, that you're married to Emily. Ross Geller: That is what the thing is. Rachel Green: Ross, things aren't gonna be weird between us, right? I mean was that just the stupidest thing, me telling you that? Ross Geller: No. No. No, I'm-I'm glad you did. Look, if nothing else, it's-it's always great when someone tells you they love you. Rachel Green: That's what I said! Thank you for being so nice. Ross Geller: No thank you for... Thank you. Ross Geller: Okay, let's go! Chandler Bing: Atlantic City! Phoebe Buffay: Atlantic City, baby! Let's roll some bones! Hey Joey, high-five for rolling bones! Joey Tribbiani: Uh, Pheebs, you're leaking? Monica Geller: Oh my God! You're water broke! The Guys: Ohh! Phoebe Buffay: All right. Well, don't worry, I call shotgun! Everyone: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait-wait! Chandler Bing: Pheebs! We have to take you to the hospital now! Ross Geller: Pheebs, Pheebs, the babies are coming now. Rachel Green: High-five, the babies are coming! Phoebe Buffay: Wait, wait, remember when my water broke? Monica Geller: I can't believe Phoebe's gonna have her babies! Chandler Bing: I know, it's beautiful. Amazing. Chandler Bing: Y'know what else I can't believe? I had to kiss Phoebe and Rachel every time I left a room, I mean it's too bad they didn't see us having sex. Monica Geller: Do you know anything about women? Chandler Bing: No. Monica Geller: That's all right. Chandler Bing: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi. Nurse: Hi. Phoebe Buffay: Hi, yeah, hi! I'm umm, Phoebe Buffay, and I have babies coming out of me. Nurse: Okay. Have you started having contractions? Phoebe Buffay: Not yet. Umm, I heard they really hurt, do they hurt? Nurse: Well... Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Ross Geller: It's all right. Nurse: Now, which of you is the father? Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, none of them are the father. The father is my brother. Nurse: Okay... Rachel Green: I am so gonna miss watching you freak people out like that! Joey Tribbiani: Okay, uh Pheebs, quick. Look! This is for the babies to look at someday, so is-is there anything you want to say? Y'know before it all starts? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay, umm, hi kids! Um, it's me, Aunt Phoebe. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me! Ross Geller: Hey, what took you guys so long? Your cab left when ours did! Monica Geller: Well, we-we had to go back because I forget my jacket. Chandler Bing: That's right. Rachel Green: You-you're not wearing a jacket. Monica Geller: Oh man! I did it again! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so umm, somebody has to call Frank and Alice. And then my mom wants to know-Joey, what are you doing?! Joey Tribbiani: I gotta get the before shot! Rachel Green: Hi, Pheebs? Okay, so just spoke to the nurse and the reason that your doctor is late is because uh, she's not coming. Phoebe Buffay: What?! Ross Geller: Apparently she fell in the shower and hit her head. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, she's so stupid! Ross Geller: Look, Pheebs-Pheebs, it's gonna be okay. Phoebe Buffay: That's easy for you to say, I don't see three kids coming out your vagina! Rachel Green: Honey, listen, y'know what? The nurse said the doctor is wonderful. Ross Geller: Yeah, he's head of the department. Phoebe Buffay: All right-Ooh! Oh dead God, save me! Monica Geller: What? Phoebe Buffay: I'm having my first contraction! Chandler Bing: Oh no. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, it's not bad. Chandler Bing: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: Oh! And so the miracle of life begins, and aaiiyyyeeee! Chandler Bing: Hey! You okay? Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, something hurts! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, it's sympathy pains. Ohh, that's so sweet! Joey Tribbiani: Are they? I didn't know I cared that much. Ross Geller: Hello. Dr. Harad: Hi! Phoebe, I'm Dr. Harad, I'm going to be delivering your babies. I want you to know, you're gonna be in good hands. I've been doing this for a long time. I'll be back in a minute to do your internal, in the meantime, just relax because everything here looks great. And also, I love Fonzie. Chandler Bing: Did he just say, he loves Fonzie? Monica Geller: That's what it sounded like. Chandler Bing: All right... Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey! Everyone: Hey! Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey! Am I late? Am I late? Nobody came out yet, right? Phoebe Buffay: No-no-no! We haven't started yet. Where's Alice? Frank Buffay Jr.: Uh, Delaware. She's on her way though, so until she gets here, I'm gonna be your coach. But don't worry, she told me all about the la-Mazada stuff. Chandler Bing: Yeah, that's when if you get the babies out by the end of the month, they give you 2% financing. Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah. Rachel Green: Monica? You gonna be very proud of me. I just got us dates with two unbelievably cute nurses. Joey Tribbiani: Oh my! Rachel Green: They're male nurses. Joey Tribbiani: Not in my head. Rachel Green: Anyway, they want to take us out Saturday night! What do you say? Monica Geller: Umm. Umm. Umm. I don't think so. Rachel Green: What? What are you talking about?! You-you're the one who's been telling me to get over Ross and move on. I'm moving on, and you're moving on with me. Come on, give me one good reason why you don't wanna go. Monica Geller: Umm, why don't you give me something that would be a good reason and-and then I'll tell you if it's true. Rachel Green: What? Monica Geller: Harder than it sounds. Isn't it? Rachel Green: Okay, you're coming with me, and I also told them that if we're still here when they get off that we'll go down to the cafeteria and have some Jell-O with them. Joey Tribbiani: Yep! There's always room for Jell-O... Rachel Green: Joey, how do you make that dirty? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with anything. Watch uh, Grandma's chicken salad... Joey Tribbiani: Ross! Get a shot of this. Hey babies! These are the headlines on the day you were born! Okay, now girl baby turn away and boy babies... Check it out, huh?! This is what naked women looked like the month you were born. All right, now let's dive right into the good stuff. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay, I'm having another one! This one doesn't hurt either-Ooh, yes it does! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Oh, I was kinda hoping that was it. Ross Geller: Hey, where are Monica and Rachel anyway? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, a couple of nurses asked them out. Maybe they're with them. Chandler Bing: Really? Male nurses? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I was bummed too. Chandler Bing: So they're going on dates? When? Joey Tribbiani: I think Saturday-. Frank Buffay Jr.: What's with him? Phoebe Buffay: Umm, sympathy pains. I thought it was really sweet at first, but now I think he's just trying to steal my thunder. Dr. Harad: Okay! Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Dr. Harad: Let's see what we got here. Ohh, y'know, Fonzie dated triplets. Chandler Bing: This-this Fonzie person you keep referring too, is that uh, is that another doctor? Dr. Harad: Oh no-no-no. Fonzie is the nickname of Arthur Fonzerelli. The Fonz. Chandler Bing: All right. Frank Buffay Jr.: It's not that weird, is it? Phoebe Buffay: It's very weird! I don't want some guy down there telling me, I'm y'know, dilatedamundo! Ross Geller: To be fair, he doesn't seem to be impersonating Fonzie... Phoebe Buffay: What are you doing?!! Why are you defending him?! Just get me another doctor! One who is not crazy and who is not Fonzie! Ross Geller: Again, it's not that he... Chandler Bing: Oh-hey-hey-hey! There you are! Monica Geller: Umm, listen there's something I think you should know. Chandler Bing: Oh, is this about you-you dating the nurse? Yeah, Joey already told me, and I am so-so fine. I mean, you and I we're just, y'know, we're nothing, we're goofin' around. Monica Geller: Umm, actually I was about to tell you that I was, I was going to get out of it, but hey, if we're just goofing around then uh, maybe I will go out with him. Chandler Bing: Fine! Maybe I will too! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you guys! Look what I found in the giiiiiiift shop. Get up! Get up! Get up! Ross Geller: Okay, Phoebe, this Dr. Oberman. He has no strong feelings about Fonzie or any of the Happy Days gang. Phoebe Buffay: Hi! And you're going into what grade? Dr. Oberman: Umm, I'm actually a first year resident, but I get that a lot, you see, I-I graduated early... Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, me too. Ross, maybe I should've specified that I'd be needing a grown up doctor. Dr. Oberman: Oh no, I'm fully qualified to... Phoebe Buffay: Shh! Doogie, shh! Doesn't anybody understand that I'm gonna be having babies soon? Huh? Go! Go little boy, go! Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh cool! You made him cry! Joey's Doctor: Mr. Tribbiani, I'm afraid you've got kidney stones. Joey Tribbiani: Umm, well, what else could it be? Joey's Doctor: It's kidney stones. Joey Tribbiani: Or? Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones! Dr. Harad: All right, you're getting there. Oh, and y'know, these babies are very, very lucky. Phoebe Buffay: They are. Why? Dr. Harad: They have the honor of being born on The Fonz's half-birthday. Phoebe Buffay: Happy birthday! Dr. Harad: Just-just to clarify, I'm not Fonzie. Rachel Green: Honey, y'know I just gotta tell you, I think this is such a terrific thing you're having these babies for Frank and Alice. Phoebe Buffay: I know, it is. Rachel Green: Yeah! Phoebe Buffay: Can I tell you a little secret? Rachel Green: Yeah! Phoebe Buffay: I want to keep one. Rachel Green: Ohh, I'm gonna be on the news! Rachel Green: Okay, Phoebe, honey, you gotta be kidding. I mean, you know you cannot keep one of these babies! Phoebe Buffay: Why not?! Maybe I can, you don't know! Rachel Green: Yes! Yes! Yes, I do! I do know! Frank and Alice are gonna want to keep all of their children! Phoebe Buffay: Maybe not! Y'know? Seriously, three babies are a handful maybe they're y'know, looking for a chance to unload one of them. Listen, I-I hate to miss an opportunity just because I didn't ask! Y'know? Rachel Green: Phoebe, no! This is, this is insane. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, just ask him! Rachel Green: Me?! Phoebe Buffay: I can't ask him! Do you have any idea how inappropriate that would be?! All I'm saying is just talk to Frank. Okay? Just, y'know, feel him out! Rachel Green: No! Forget it! I am not gonna ask Frank to give you one of his kids!! Phoebe Buffay: You're right. Phoebe Buffay: Tell him it's for you. Monica Geller: Feeling a little better sweetie? Joey Tribbiani: Well, maybe a little. I wish you hadn't seen me throw up. Monica Geller: Me too. Ross Geller: Hey! I just heard. What's up? Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones! Now, ordinarily Mr. Tribbiani, we try to break up the stones up with shock waves, but they're to close to the bladder now. Which means we can either wait for you to pass them or else go up the urethra... Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-whoa! No-no-no-no-no, nothing is going up! Okay? Up, up is not an option-what's a urethra? Are you crazy?! Phoebe Buffay: So did you ask him? Rachel Green: No, I haven't had a chance to be alone with him yet. Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm kinda on a clock here. Dr. Harad: Oh Fonzie. Rachel Green: Y'know who I always liked? Mork. Phoebe Buffay: Undo it. Undo it. Undo it. Dr. Harad: Fonzie met Mork. Mork froze Fonzie. Rachel Green: Yeah, but umm... Yes, but, Fonzie was already cool, so he wasn't hurt, right? Dr. Harad: Yeah, that's right. Monica Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Monica Geller: How are you doing? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, doctor says any minute now. Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey, y'know, Alice is gonna be here so soon, you couldn't just like do me a favor and like, like hold them in? Phoebe Buffay: Sorry Frank, I'm kinda in the middle of the last favor you asked me to do. Male Nurse: Hey! Rachel Green: Hi! Male Nurse: Rachel. Rachel Green: Monica, this is Dan , one of the guys that we're gonna be going out with on Saturday. Uh Dan, Monica. Dan: Nice to meet you. Monica Geller: Hello Dan! I'm really looking forward to Saturday night! Really, really! Chandler Bing: So Dan, nurse not a doctor huh? Kinda girlie isn't it? Monica Geller: Chandler! Dan: Nah that's okay. I'm just doing this to put myself through medical school. Chandler Bing: Oh. Dan: And it didn't feel so girlie during the Gulf War. Chandler Bing: Sure. And listen, thanks for doing that for us, by the way. Monica Geller: So, why wait 'til Saturday, are you free tomorrow? Dan: Sure! I'll get somebody to cover my shift. Monica Geller: Oh, great! Chandler Bing: Hey, how 'bout it? You, me, Saturday night? Delivery Room Nurse: No. Chandler Bing: All right. Very good. Phoebe Buffay: Oo, this is a big one. Eww! Arghhhh!! Joey Tribbiani: Ohh, get these things out of me! Ross Geller: Breathe! Breathe! Breathe throw the pain. Joey Tribbiani: I want the drugs Ross, I want the drugs! Ross Geller: I do too! I do too! Joey Tribbiani: Argh! Ross Geller: Argh! Joey Tribbiani: Argh! Ross Geller: Argh! Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, I love you. Okay, bye! Hi! Rachel Green: Hi! Frank Buffay Jr.: That was Alice's mom, she said she left five hours ago. She should be here by now! Rachel Green: Oh, honey, don't worry. She's gonna make it on time. Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah. Rachel Green: Yeah. So Frank, three babies. Whew, that just seems like a lot, huh? Frank Buffay Jr.: Not to me. Rachel Green: Yeah, fair enough. Dr. Harad: Okay, you're at ten centimeters. Time to start having some babies. All right, I want only the father in here please. Monica Geller: Bye Dan! Dan: Uh, bye Monica. Chandler Bing: Bye, momi-moo. Dr. Harad: All right, I need a clamp, sterile towel, and channel 31. Phoebe Buffay: What is that? Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Dr. Harad: Oh, no-no-no, it's a good one! Fonzie plays the bongos. All right, are you ready? It's time to start pushing. Joey's Doctor: Are you ready? It's time to try peeing. Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! It's almost time to try peeing. Dr. Harad: Okay, now push! That's it push! Just concentrate on pushing! Yeah, here we go! Dan: I see the head. Frank Buffay Jr.: Yes, it has a head! Dr. Harad: All right. Keep pushing! Come on! Frank Buffay Jr.: I can't believe there's somebody coming out of you right now. There's somebody coming out of you! Is it? Is it? It's my son. Dr. Harad: All right. Here's your first baby. Frank Buffay Jr.: YESSSSS!!!!! We got a baby boy!! Chandler Bing: Yes! Frank Buffay Jr.: Frank Jr. Jr.!! Rachel Green: Oh, how does he look? How does he look? Frank Buffay Jr.: So gross! Dr. Harad: Okay. You ready to push again? Phoebe Buffay: I already had a baby. Leave me alone. Frank Buffay Jr.: Okay, okay, come on, you can do it. You can do it! Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah!! Little Leslie is here! We got another one! Oh my God, I can't believe I have two-two children. How scary is that? Frank Buffay Jr.: Come on little Chandler, it's time to be born. Come on little Chandler! Come on! Dr. Harad: All right, he's coming. He's coming! Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey, where's his thing? Frank Buffay Jr.: Chandler's a girl! Chandler Bing: Oh God, kindergarten flashback. Frank Buffay Jr.: They musta read the sonogram wrong. 'Cause they, 'cause they thought it was a boy, but Chandler's a girl! Chandler's a girl! Chandler Bing: Okay, keep saying it! Alice Knight: Am I too late?! Frank Buffay Jr.: No-no ah, everything's okay. Everybody's healthy there's 30 fingers and 30 toes. Alice Knight: We have our babies? Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah. Alice Knight: Oh, we have our babies. Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God. Ross Geller: You did it, man. Joey's Doctor: Would you like to see them? Joey Tribbiani: They're so small! Dan: So, I'll call you tomorrow. Monica Geller: Great! Chandler Bing: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man? Monica Geller: Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not goof around with him. Chandler Bing: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am so bad at this. Monica Geller: I think you're better than you think you are. Chandler Bing: Really? Okay, so... Monica Geller: Know when to stop. Chandler Bing: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay? Monica Geller: Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go tell Dan that it's not gonna happen. Don't do the dance. Chandler Bing: Right! Monica Geller: I think you're my favorite. Phoebe Buffay: Which one do you have? Monica Geller: I don't care. Rachel Green: Hi. Hey, hi! So uh, Frank and Alice wanted me to tell you that they're still outside making phone calls. Phoebe Buffay: But umm, I mean, did you talk to them about, y'know... Rachel Green: Yeah, umm, no honey. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. It was a long shot. Hey, you guys can I just like have a second alone with the babies. Everyone: Yeah, sure yeah. Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: So, here you are. It seems like yesterday I was talking to you in that little petri dish. Everyone said labor was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, but they were wrong this is. Oh, I had the most fun with you guys! I wish I could take you home and see you everyday. Okay, I'll settle for being your favorite Aunt. I know Alice's sister has a pool, but you lived in me. Okay, so we're cool. Yeah, we're gonna be great. Little high fives! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Well, if you're gonna cry. Monica Geller: Phoebe, we are so proud of you! You're amazing! Phoebe Buffay: I know. Rachel Green: So does it really hurt as bad as they say? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. You won't be able to take it. Chandler Bing: So uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her? Phoebe Buffay: They're gonna call her Chandler. Chandler Bing: That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think? Phoebe Buffay: Works on you.
Monica Geller: Come in. I've been waiting for you. Rachel Green: Hi! I just wanna-Ahhh!!! Oh my God! Oh my God! Monica Geller: Okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I-I-I was um, I was taking a nap. Rachel Green: Since when do take naps in that position. Oh God Monica, tell me you were waiting for a guy! Please tell me you were waiting for a guy! Monica Geller: Yes. Yes, I was. A guy. From work. I'm seeing a guy from work! Ha! Rachel Green: That cute waiter guy from your restaurant, the one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta? Monica Geller: Uh-huh, that one! Rachel Green: Y'know what, just give me a second and I'll be out of your hair. I'm just gonna grab a jacket. When I get back, I want every little detail. Maybe that's him. Monica Geller: Okay, umm, okay, umm... It's just Joey and Ross. Rachel Green: Why aren't you guys at the movie? Joey Tribbiani: Well, we were! But Ross was talking so loud on his phone they threw us out! Ross Geller: I had to talk loud because the movie was loud! Joey Tribbiani: He's talking to London! Monica Geller: But why?! Did he get in touch with Emily? Joey Tribbiani: Well no, not yet. He's calling everyone on her side of the family hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her. Ross Geller: I-I-I don't care if I said some other girl's name you prissy, old twit! Joey Tribbiani: Ross! Way to suck up to the family. Chandler Bing: Ha-ha-ha-enh-enh. I'm so glad you guys are all here! My office finally got wrinkle free fax paper! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Oh no-no-no-no-no-no, vomit tux! No-no, vomit tux! Joey Tribbiani: Don't worry, I had it dry-cleaned. Monica Geller: Vomit tux? Who vomited on-y'know what, what you up to Joe? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I'm doing this telethon thing on TV and my agent got me a job as co-host! Monica Geller: Oh that's great! Joey Tribbiani: A little uh, good deed for PBS and a little TV exposure, now that's the kind of math Joey likes to do! Phoebe Buffay: Ugh, PBS! Monica Geller: What's wrong with PBS? Phoebe Buffay: Ugh, what's right with them? Joey Tribbiani: Why don't you like PBS, Pheebs? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, 'cause right after my mom killed herself, I was just in this really bad place, y'know personally. So, I just thought that it'd make me feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street, 'cause they were so nice when I was a little kid! No one ever wrote back. Chandler Bing: Well y'know a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs. Phoebe Buffay: All I got was a lousy key chain! And by that time I was living in a box. I didn't have keys! Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry Pheebs, I just, y'know, I just wanted to do a good deed. Like-like you did with the babies. Phoebe Buffay: This isn't a good deed, you just wanted to get on TV! This is totally selfish. Joey Tribbiani: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What about you, having those babies for your brother? Talk about selfish! Phoebe Buffay: What-what are you talking about?! Joey Tribbiani: Well, yeah, it was a really nice thing and all, but it made you feel really good right? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. So? Joey Tribbiani: It made you feel good, so that makes it selfish. Look, there's no unselfish good deeds, sorry. Phoebe Buffay: Yes there are! There are totally good deeds that are selfless. Joey Tribbiani: Well, may I ask for one example? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, it's... Y'know there's-no you may not! Joey Tribbiani: That's because all people are selfish. Phoebe Buffay: Are you calling me selfish?! Joey Tribbiani: Are you calling you people? Yeah, well sorry to burst that bubble, Pheebs, but selfless good deeds don't exist. Okay? And you the deal on Santa Clause right? Phoebe Buffay: I'm gonna find a selfless good dead. I'm gonna beat you, you evil genius. Ross Geller: Hello. Emily Waltham: Hello, Ross? Ross Geller: Emily? Emily! Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Emily! It's Emily everyone! Shush-shush-shhst! Hi! Emily Waltham: Ross, I'm only ringing to say stop harassing my relatives. Good-bye! Ross Geller: No wait! Look, wait! Okay, you can hang up, but I'm gonna keep calling! I'm gonna, I'm gonna call everyone in England if that's what it takes to get you to talk to me! Emily Waltham: Really? About what? Ross Geller: Look you're my wife. We're-we're married. Y'know? I-I love you. I-I really miss you. Emily Waltham: I miss you to. Well, at least I think I do. Ross Geller: She's talking. Everyone: Yay! Phoebe Buffay: Hey, Joey, when you said the deal with Santa Clause, you meant? Joey Tribbiani: That he doesn't exist. Phoebe Buffay: Right. Rachel Green: So Chandler, have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend? Chandler Bing: Uhh, yeah. She uh, she uh, she uh might've mentioned him. Rachel Green: So Mon, when are we gonna meet this new secret waiter man? Monica Geller: Ohh, he's really shy. I-I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet. Chandler Bing: Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet. Rachel Green: I don't care! I wanna meet this guy who's the best sex she ever had! Chandler Bing: Really?! That's what you heard? You said that? Monica Geller: I might've said that. Why is that funny? Chandler Bing: Because I'm very happy for him! And you, you lucky dog! Ross Geller: Hi! Monica Geller: Hey! Ross Geller: Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship. Chandler Bing: Yes! Monica Geller: That's great! Ross Geller: In London! Monica Geller: What?! Ross Geller: She wants me to move to London. Monica Geller: But you live here! You know that. Rachel Green: What-what-what are you gonna do? Ross Geller: I bet if I talk to Carol and Susan I can convince them to move to London with Ben. Monica Geller: Yeah, I'm sure your ex-wife will be more than happy to move to another country so you can patch things up with your new wife. Ross Geller: It could happen. Joey Tribbiani: How ya doin'? Welcome. Good to see ya! Stage Director: This will be your phone. Joey Tribbiani: That's great. But uh, I'm not really expecting a lot of calls. Stage Director: No you answer it and take pledges. Joey Tribbiani: But I'm the host! Stage Director: No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the phones. Joey Tribbiani: You don't seem to understand. See, I was Dr. Drake Remoray. Stage Director: Well, here's your phone doctor. Phoebe Buffay: I cannot believe I can't find a selfless good deed! Y'know that old guy that lives next to me? Well, I snuck over there and-and raked up all the leaves on his front stoop. But he caught me and force-fed me cider and cookies. Then I felt wonderful. That old jackass! Rachel Green: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish. Phoebe Buffay: I will find a selfless good deed! 'Cause I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right! Chandler Bing: Hey, Monica? Can I ask you a cooking question? Monica Geller: Sure! Chandler Bing: If you're cooking on the stove, does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard? Rachel Green: Chandler! Is he? Monica Geller: Well, y'know I-I-I think I'm gonna respect the privacy of my new secret boyfriend. Chandler Bing: Why?! I mean if this guy was me and it was me who had learned that it was me who was the best you'd ever had, I'd be going like this. Ross Geller: All right Emily, as much as I love you, I'm sorry, I can't move to London without Ben. Emily Waltham: I understand that would be difficult. Ross Geller: Yeah, would you please consider moving here? I mean you were gonna move here anyway, why can't you just do that? Emily Waltham: I don't know, it's just... Ross Geller: Oh-oh-okay, but-but I know, that even though I've been a-a complete idiot up 'til now, I mean, I mean you-you-you have to come here. You have to come here so we can work this out. Emily Waltham: All right. Ross Geller: All right, did you just say all right? Emily Waltham: I did. Now I'm the idiot. Ross Geller: Oh, Emily that is, that is so great. It's gonna be so great! We're gonna be like-like-like two idiots in love! Emily Waltham: Ross, there's one thing that really scares me still. Ross Geller: Yes, tell me. Emily Waltham: Well, you have to understand how humiliating it was for me up on that altar in front of my entire family, all my friends. Ross Geller: I know. I am, I am so sorry. Emily Waltham: And then after decided to forgive you, seeing you at the airport catching our plane with her. Ross Geller: Again, very sorry. Emily Waltham: I mean, I can't-I can't be in the same room as her! It drives me mad just thinking of you being in the same room as her! Ross Geller: Emily, there is nothing between Rachel and me. Okay? I love you. Emily Waltham: All right. I'll come to New York and we'll try and make this work. Ross Geller: Oh that is so great! That's... Emily Waltham: As long as you don't see Rachel anymore. Ross Geller: So I asked Emily if she would come to New York, and she said yes. Chandler Bing: Yes! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh-ohh! Monica Geller: Great! Ross Geller: No-no-no! Only if I promise never to see Rachel again. Phoebe Buffay: Why? Monica Geller: What?! You can't-what did you tell her? Ross Geller: I told her I'd have to think about it. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to make this kind of a decision? I'm actually asking you! Chandler Bing: Well, you can't just not see Rachel anymore, she's one of your best friends. Monica Geller: Yeah! But, he can't not exactly see Emily, I mean that's his wife. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Chandler Bing: That's true! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but you've known Rachel since High School and you cannot just cut her out of your life. Chandler Bing: That's true! Monica Geller: No, you cannot. Ross Geller: Thanks for the help, problem solved. Monica Geller: Hello. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Mon! Monica Geller: Oh hey Joey! We've been watching all day, when are you gonna be on TV? Joey Tribbiani: See, there was kind of a mix up in my agent's office, but I'm still on TV and that's good exposure. Monica Geller: You're not on TV. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, uh, okay, how, how about now? Chandler Bing: Hey, there he is! There he is! Joey Tribbiani: Hello New York! Emeril: Now maybe you just like wanna but the whole duck in there! Who cares, y'know? Now I got the legs... Chandler Bing: How many times have I told you guys, you never watch the cooking channel! Monica Geller: Hi Chandler. Chandler Bing: Hey! Monica Geller: Uh, listen, I need that broiling pan that Joey borrowed the other day. Chandler Bing: Oh that was yours? Uh, yeah, we used it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars. Monica Geller: William Sonoma, fall catalog, Page 27. Chandler Bing: Expect it in 4-6 weeks. Umm, hey, umm, Joey's gonna be at the telethon for the rest of the day, we have the whole place to ourselves. Monica Geller: Yeah, so? Chandler Bing: Well I just, thought maybe you'd wanna book some time with the best you'd ever had. Monica Geller: Y'know what, champ? I think I'll pass. Chandler Bing: Why? Monica Geller: Why? Chandler Bing: What's your point? Joey Tribbiani: PBS telethon. Phoebe Buffay: Hey Joey, I just wanted to let you know that I found a selfless good deed. I just went down to the park and I let a bee sting me. Joey Tribbiani: What?! What good is that gonna do anybody? Phoebe Buffay: Well, it helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy and I am definitely not. Joey Tribbiani: Now, y'know the bee probably died after he stung ya. Phoebe Buffay: Aw, dammit! Stage Director: Back on in 30 seconds people! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, excuse me, would you mind switching with me? Pbs Volunteer: Hey, no way, I'm in the shot man. Joey Tribbiani: Come on man! You've been here all day! Pbs Volunteer: Yeah, I-I'm taking pledges here, eh? Stage Director: We're on in 3, 2, Gary Collins: Welcome back to our fall telethon. Now if you've been enjoying the performance of Cirque Du Soleil, and you'd like to see more of the same kind of programming, it's very simple. All you have to do is call in your pledge and at that time tell the operator, one of our volunteers, what kind of programming you'd like to... Ross Geller: Okay, that's it. I cannot make this decision! It is too difficult, so I'm just gonna leave it entirely to the gods of fate. Monica Geller: A Magic Eight ball?! You can't be serious, you can't make this decision with a toy! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, it's not a toy. Ross Geller: Well, I don't know what else to do. I mean, I either keep my wife and lose one of my-my-my best friends or I keep my friend and get divorced the second time before I'm 30! So-so if anyone has-has a better suggestion, let's hear it! 'Cause I-I got nothing! All right, don't be shy, any suggestion will do. Okay then. Here we go. Magic 8 Ball, should I never see Rachel again? Ask again later. Later is not good enough. Ask again later. What the hell! This is broken! It-it is broken! Monica Geller: All right, let me see. Will Chandler have sex tonight? Don't count on it. Seems like it works to me. Joey Tribbiani: PBS Telethon. Phoebe Buffay: Hi Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Pheebs! Phoebe Buffay: I would like to make a pledge. I would like to donate $200. Joey Tribbiani: $200? Are you sure Pheebs? I mean, after what Sesame Street did to ya? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'm still mad at them but I also now that they bring happiness to lots of kids who's moms didn't kill themselves, so by supporting them, I'm doing a good thing, but I'm not happy about it. So there, a selfless good deed. Joey Tribbiani: And you don't a little good about donating the money? Phoebe Buffay: No, it sucks. I was saving up to buy a hamster. Joey Tribbiani: A hamster? What, those things are like 10 bucks. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, not the one I had my eye on. Gary Collins: It looks like we have surpassed last year's pledge total! Thank you viewers! The pledge that did it was taken by one of our volunteers... Oh boy! And may I say one of our sharpest dressed volunteers, Mr. Joseph Tribbiani! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, look-look, Joey's on TV! Isn't that great? My pledge got Joey on TV! Oh that makes me feel-Oh no! Chandler Bing: Look, maybe I got carried away before. But there's something you gotta know. If I'm the best, it's only because you've made me the best. Monica Geller: Keep talking. Chandler Bing: I mean I was nothing before you. Call the other girls and ask. Which wouldn't take long. But when I'm with you, and we're together, OH...MY...GOD. Monica Geller: Really? Chandler Bing: Oh-aw my God! Now, I understand if you never want to sleep with me again, but that would be wrong. We're too good! We owe it, to sex! Monica Geller: Well, if we owe it? Oh my... When is Joey gonna be home? Chandler Bing: Well, I was kinda hoping we could do this without him. Oh no-no-no, leave the gloves on. Monica Geller: But, I just cleaned the bathroom. Chandler Bing: Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves. Monica Geller: Yeah. Chandler Bing: All right, let's show them how it's done. Monica Geller: Okay. Monica Geller: Ow! Chandler Bing: Y'know that wasn't part of it? Monica Geller: I know! Rachel Green: Hi! Are you ready? We're gonna be late! Ross Geller: For what? Rachel Green: For Stella! Remember? She's gettin' her grove back in like 20 minutes. Ross Geller: Yeah, I uh, totally forgot about that. You mind if I take a rain check? I'm waiting for a call from Emily. Rachel Green: Sure. I guess. Hey, I hear you don't have to go to London. Yay! Ross Geller: It's not that easy, there's still a lot of relationship stuff. Rachel Green: Like what? Ross Geller: Just stuff. Y'know kinda what Emily wants. Rachel Green: Well, why don't you talk to me about it, maybe I can help. Ross Geller: No. No. You-you can't help. I mean, I kinda have to do this without your help. Rachel Green: Well, I-I know you can do that too. I'm just, I'm just saying if you need somebody to talk to... Hi! Ross Geller: Thanks. Rachel Green: Ross? Look, whatever this relationship stuff that Emily wants, just give it to her. Come on, the bottom line here is that you love her. So just fix whatever she wants fixed. Just do it. I mean, you're gonna have to try. You'll just gonna hate yourself if you don't. Oh come on answer it! It's driving me crazy! Ross Geller: Hello. Hi sweetie. Good. Look umm, yes I've been thinking about that thing that you wanted me to do and, I can do it. So will you come to New York? Monica Geller: Never done that before. Chandler Bing: Nope.
Monica Geller: Hi! Chandler Bing: Hi! Joey Tribbiani: Monica? What time is it? Chandler Bing: Uhh, 9. Joey Tribbiani: But it's dark out. Monica Geller: Well that's because you always sleep to noon, silly! This is what 9 looks like. Joey Tribbiani: I guess I'll get washed up then. Watch that sunrise. Monica Geller: I'm really getting tired of sneaking around. Chandler Bing: I know, me too. Hey! Y'know what if we went away for a whole weekend? Y'know we'd have no interruptions and we could be naked the entire time. Monica Geller: All weekend? That's a whole lotta naked. Chandler Bing: Yeah, I can say that I have a conference and you can say you have a chef thing. Monica Geller: Ohh, I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair that they have in Jersey! Chandler Bing: Okay, y'know your not though. Let's go. Monica Geller: Wait! What about Joey? Monica Geller: Hey, guess what I'm doing this weekend! I'm going to this culinary fair in New Jersey. Phoebe Buffay: Oh weird, Chandler just told us he's got a conference there! Monica Geller: Oh now that-that-that's funny, it seems like Chandler's conference could've been in Connecticut or Vermont. Chandler Bing: I'm not in charge of where the conference is held. Do you want people to think it's a fake conference? It's a real conference. Ross Geller: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey. Ross Geller: Is Rachel here? I gotta talk to her. Monica Geller: No, she's out shopping. Ross Geller: Damn! Chandler Bing: What's going on? Ross Geller: I told Emily to come. And I just need to y'know, talk to Rachel about it. Phoebe Buffay: Wait a minute! So when Emily comes you're just, you're not gonna see Rachel anymore? Ross Geller: Well look, I'm just trying to focus on the "I get to see my wife," part, all right? And not the part that makes me do this. Monica Geller: Wow, so you guys are, you're never gonna be in the same room together? How is that even gonna work? Ross Geller: I have no idea. I mean... But-but I assure you I will figure it out. Joey Tribbiani: Doesn't seem like it's going to work, I mean... Rachel Green: Hi, guys! Joey Tribbiani: Hi! Chandler Bing: Uh, hey! Rachel Green: What's going on? Chandler Bing: We're flipping Monica's mattress. Joey Tribbiani: So I'm thinking, basically we pick it up and then we flip it. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah that's better than my way. Rachel Green: Oh okay, hey guys, would you flip mine too? Chandler Bing: Aww, man! Rachel Green: Oh look! A letter from my mom. Ross Geller: So, Rach, y'know-y'know how Emily's coming right? Rachel Green: Oh yeah! I know. Phoebe Buffay: Can you hear anything? Chandler Bing: Oh yes, somebody just said, "Can you hear anything?" Monica Geller: Hey, Joey's ass! What are you doing? Joey Tribbiani: Well, remember when they got in that big fight and broke up and we were all stuck in her with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said Rachel at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, so I hid this in here. Monica Geller: Ooh, candy bars, crossword puzzles... Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, Madlibs, mine! Chandler Bing: Condoms? Joey Tribbiani: You don't know how long we're gonna be in here! We may have to repopulate the Earth. Chandler Bing: And condoms are the way to do that? Ross Geller: Anyway it-it kinda-it all boils down to this, the last time I talked to Emily... Rachel Green: Oh my God! My dog died! Ross Geller: What?! Rachel Green: Oh my God, Le Poo, our dog! Ross Geller: Le Poo's still alive?! Rachel Green: Oh God, it says he was hit by an ice cream truck and dragged for nine-teen blocks. Oh. Oh my God. Monica Geller: Sweetie, we heard you crying. Please don't cry. Rachel Green: It's Le Poo. Phoebe Buffay: I know it's le poo right now, but it'll get better. Chandler Bing: I can't believe it! We're here! Monica Geller: Ooh, chocolates on the pillows! I love that! Chandler Bing: Oh, you should live with Joey, Roll-os everywhere. Monica Geller: Come here. Okay, be right back. Chandler Bing: Oh yes! Monica, get in here! There's a high-speed car chase on! Monica Geller: We're switching rooms. Chandler Bing: Oh dear God, they gave us glasses! Monica Geller: No, they gave us glasses with lipstick on them! I mean, if they didn't change the glasses, who knows what else they didn't change. Come on sweetie, I just want this weekend to be perfect, I mean we can change rooms, can't we? Chandler Bing: Okay, but let's do it now though, because Chopper 5 just lost it's feed! Ross Geller: Hey, so uh, y'know how there's something I wanted to talk to you about? Rachel Green: Oh yeah! Ross Geller: Well, y'know how I'm trying to work things out with Emily. Well, there's this one thing... Okay, here goes. I made a promise that-Oh hey! Rachel Green: What? Ross Geller: You're nose is bleeding! Rachel Green: Oh God. No! Oh not again! This-this happened when my grandfather died. It's ugh! Sorry. Oh, okay, so I'm sorry, what-what were you-what did you want to tell me? Ross Geller: Umm... Rachel Green: Sorry. Sorry. Ross Geller: Okay, I uh, I can't see you anymore. Rachel Green: Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous! I can't see you either. Hotel Clerk: I think you'll find this room more to your liking. Chandler Bing: Okay, great. Hotel Clerk: They say he's only got half a tank left. Chandler Bing: Half a tank? We still got a lot of high-speed chasing to do! Monica Geller: We're switching rooms again. Chandler Bing: What? Why? Monica Geller: This is a garden view room, and we paid for an ocean view room. Hotel Clerk: Our last ocean view room was unacceptable to you. Monica Geller: Excuse me, umm, can I talk to you over here for just a second? Chandler Bing: Uh-huh. Monica Geller: Chandler! Chandler Bing: Yeah. Monica Geller: Look, these clowns are trying to take us for a ride and I'm not gonna let 'em! And we're not a couple of suckers! Chandler Bing: I hear ya, Mugsy! But look, all these rooms are fine okay? Can you just pick one so I can watch-have a perfect, magical weekend together with you. Monica Geller: Okay, this one I like! Chandler Bing: Nothing! It's over! Dammit! This is regularly scheduled programming! Monica Geller: Can we turn the TV off? Okay? Do we really want to spend the entire weekend like this? Chandler Bing: Oh, I'm sorry, am I getting in the way of all the room switching fun? Monica Geller: Hey, don't blame me for wigging tonight! Chandler Bing: Oh, who should I blame? The nice bell man who had to drag out luggage to 10 different rooms? Monica Geller: I don't know, how about the idiot who thought he could drive from Albany to Canada on a half a tank of gas! Chandler Bing: Do not speak ill of the dead. Monica Geller: We're supposed to uh, be spending a romantic weekend together, it-it, what is the matter with you? Chandler Bing: I just want to watch a little television. What is the big deal? Geez, relax mom. Monica Geller: What did you say? Chandler Bing: I said, "Geez, relax Monnnnn." Rachel Green: Hi! Ross Geller: Hey. Rachel, I-I-I've been wanting to tell you something for a while now and I really, I just have to get it out. Rachel Green: Okay, what's up? Ross Geller: Okay, y'know how you told me I should do whatever it takes to fix my marriage? Rachel Green: Yeah, I told you to give Emily whatever she wants. Ross Geller: And while that was good advice, you should know that what-what she wants... Rachel Green: Yeah? Ross Geller: ...is for me not to see you anymore. Rachel Green: That's crazy! You can't do that! What are you going to tell her? Oh God. Ohh, you already agreed to this, haven't you? Ross Geller: It's awful I know, I mean, I feel terrible but I have to do this if I want my marriage to work. And I do, I have to make this marriage work. I have too. But the good thing is we can still see each other until she gets here. Rachel Green: Ohh! Lucky me! Oh my God! That is good news, Ross! I think that's the best news I've heard since Le Poo died! Ross Geller: You have no idea what a nightmare this has been. This is so hard. Rachel Green: Oh yeah, really? Is it Ross? Yeah? Okay, well let me make this a just a little bit easier for you. Ross Geller: What are you doing? Rachel Green: Storming out! Ross Geller: Rachel, this is your apartment. Rachel Green: Yeah, well that's how mad I am!! Chandler Bing: Damn Rollos! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you're back! Chandler Bing: Hey. Joey Tribbiani: How was your conference? Chandler Bing: It was terrible. I fought with my colleagues y'know, the entire time. Are you kidding with this? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, so your weekend was a total bust? Chandler Bing: Uh, no, I got to see Donald Trump waiting for an elevator. Monica Geller: Hi! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you're back too! Monica Geller: Yeah. Umm, Chandler can I talk to you outside for a second? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, how was your chef thing? Monica Geller: Oh, it was awful. I guess some people just don't appreciate really good food. Chandler Bing: Well, maybe it was the kind of food that tasted good at first but then made everybody vomit and have diarrhea. Monica Geller: Chandler! Chandler Bing: Monica. Monica Geller: Okay, I'd like to know how much the room was because I'd like to pay my half. Chandler Bing: Okay, fine, $300. Monica Geller: 300 dollars?! Chandler Bing: Yeah, just think of it as $25 per room! Monica Geller: Urghh!! Joey Tribbiani: What are you guys woofing about? Monica Geller: Chandler stole a twenty from my purse! Joey Tribbiani: Nooooo!!! Y'know what? Now that I think about it, I constantly find myself without twenties and you always have lots! Ross Geller: You should've seen the look on her face. I don't want Rachel to hate me! I don't know what to do. Joey Tribbiani: You want my advice? Ross Geller: Yes! Please! Joey Tribbiani: You're not gonna like it. Ross Geller: That's okay. Joey Tribbiani: You got married to fast. Ross Geller: That's not advice! Joey Tribbiani: I told ya. Ross Geller: I'm going to the bathroom. Joey Tribbiani: Man, if anyone asked me to give up any of you, I couldn't do it. Monica Geller: Maybe I could do it. Rachel Green: Hi! Joey Tribbiani: Hi, Rach. Chandler Bing: Hi! Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Monica Geller: Hey. Rachel Green: Look, I know you guys heard about the whole thing with me and Ross but y'know, I've been obsessing about it all day and I'd just love not to talk about it. All right? Joey Tribbiani: I-I-I don't know if this falls under this category, but uh, Ross is right back there. Rachel Green: That's not Ross! Phoebe Buffay: Oh no! Not that guy! He does look like him though. Chandler Bing: Okay, Ross is in the bathroom. Rachel Green: Oh my God, its happening. It's already started. I'm Kip. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you're not Kip! Rachel Green: Do you even know who Kip is? Joey Tribbiani: Who cares? You're Rachel! Who's Kip? Chandler Bing: Kip, my old roommate, y'know we all used to hang out together. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, that poor bastard. Rachel Green: See? Yeah, you told me the story. He and Monica dated when they broke up they couldn't even be in the same room together and you all promised that you would stay his friend and what happened? He got phased out! Monica Geller: You're not gonna be phased out! Rachel Green: Well, of course I am! It's not gonna happen to Ross! He's your brother. He's your old college roommate. Ugh, it was just a matter of time before someone had to leave the group. I just always assumed Phoebe would be the one to go. Phoebe Buffay: Ehh!! Rachel Green: Honey, come on! You live far away! You're not related. You lift right out. Chandler Bing: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Mr. Bing. That uh, hotel you stayed at called. Said someone left an eyelash curler in your room. Chandler Bing: Yes that was mine. Joey Tribbiani: 'Cause I figured you'd hooked up with some girl and she'd left it there. Chandler Bing: Yes that would have made more sense. Joey Tribbiani: Y'know, I-I don't even feel like I know you anymore man! All right, look, I'm just gonna ask you this one time. And whatever you say, I'll believe ya. Were you, or were you not on a gay cruise?! Rachel Green: Phoebe? I'm sorry about the whole lifting out thing. You gotta come with me! Phoebe Buffay: Come where? Rachel Green: Wherever I go. Come on you and me, we'll-we'll start a new group, we're the best ones. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, but try and get Joey too. Ross Geller: Pheebs, you mind if I speak to Rachel alone for a sec? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, sure! Bye Ross! Forever. Ross Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: Hi. What are you doing here? Isn't this against the rules? Ross Geller: I talked to Monica, look, I'm the one who made the choice. I'm the one who's making things change, so I should be the one to y'know, step back. Rachel Green: Oh, Ross... Ross Geller: No, no, it's okay. Really. They're plenty of people who just see their sisters at Thanksgiving and just see their college roommates at reunions and just see Joey at Burger King. So is, is that better? Rachel Green: No, it's not better. I still don't get to see you. Ross Geller: Well, what-what would you do? Rach, if you were me, what-what would you do? Rachel Green: Well, for starters I would've said the right name at my wedding! Ross Geller: I can't believe this is happening. Rachel Green: I know. Ross Geller: I am so sorry. Rachel Green: I know that too. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Rach? Sorry to interrupt but umm, Phoebe wanted me to talk to you about a trip or something. Chandler Bing: Hey! Monica Geller: Hi. Chandler Bing: I just came over to drop off...nothing. So that weekend kinda sucked, huh? Monica Geller: Yeah, it did. Chandler Bing: So, I guess this is over. Monica Geller: What? Chandler Bing: Well, y'know, you and me, it had to end sometime. Monica Geller: Why, exactly? Chandler Bing: Because of the weekend, we had a fight. Monica Geller: Chandler that's crazy! If you give up every time you'd have a fight with someone you'd never be with anyone longer than-Ohhh! Chandler Bing: So, this isn't over? Monica Geller: You are so cute! No. No, it was a fight. You deal with it and move on! It's nothing to freak out about. Chandler Bing: Really? Okay. Great! Monica Geller: Ohh, welcome to an adult relationship! Chandler Bing: We're in a relationship? Monica Geller: I'm afraid so. Chandler Bing: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Oh hey, Monica, I heard you saw Donald Trump at your convention. Monica Geller: Yeah, I saw him waiting for an elevator. Monica Geller: Hey, Rach, can I borrow your eyelash curler, I think I lost mine. Rachel Green: Yeah, it's in there. Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Ohh! Oh!! Chandler Bing: Joey, can I talk to you for a second? Joey Tribbiani: Oohh!! Ohh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh!! Joey Tribbiani: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Chandler Bing: Yes. Yes. Joey Tribbiani: You?! And-and you?! Monica Geller: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows! Joey Tribbiani: How?! When?! Chandler Bing: It happened in London. Joey Tribbiani: IN LONDON!!! Chandler Bing: The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it. Joey Tribbiani: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone! Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no-no! You can't! Monica Geller: Please? Please?! We just don't want to deal with telling everyone, okay? Just promise you won't tell. Joey Tribbiani: All right! Man, this is unbelievable! I mean, it's great, but... Monica Geller: I know, it's great! Joey Tribbiani: Aww, I don't want to see that! Phoebe Buffay: We're so stupid! Do you know what's going on in there? They're trying to take Joey! Phoebe Buffay: The most popular Phoebe in tennis is called the overhand Phoebe. And if you win, you must slap your opponent on the Phoebe and say, "Hi, Phoebe!" Monica Geller: Oh that's cute! We really all enjoyed it. But y'know, it doesn't count. Phoebe Buffay: Count for what? Monica Geller: Count in our heads as-as good Madlibs. Joey Tribbiani: I guess I'm done. Chandler Bing: Fun's over! Monica Geller: Wait-wait, guys! If-if we follow the rules, it's still fun and it means something! Rachel Green: Uh-huh! Joey Tribbiani: I think I'm gonna take-off. Monica Geller: Guys, rules are good! Rules help control the fun! Ohhh!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! None of that, not while you're living under my roof! Monica Geller: What?! Joey Tribbiani: Look, just because I know about you two, doesn't mean I like looking at it. Chandler Bing: Aren't you supposed to be at an audition for another hour? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman! And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition! Okay, look, if I have to pretend I don't know about you two, then you two are gonna have to pretend there's nothing to know about. Monica Geller: Sorry. Chandler Bing: Sorry. Joey Tribbiani: I can hear that! Monica Geller: Rachel's at work. Joey Tribbiani: I can still hear you! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hello! Monica Geller: Hey, what's that? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, my mom sent me a family heirloom that once belonged to my grandmother. Can you believe it?! A year ago I didn't even have a family, and now I have heirlooms for crying out loud. Phoebe Buffay: Eeeee-ohh!! God! Joey Tribbiani: Argh-argh!! Ooh, soft. Is this mink? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Why would my mother send me a fur? Doesn't she know me but at all! Plus, I have a perfectly fine coat that no innocent animal suffered to make! Chandler Bing: Yeah, just some 9-year-old Filipino kids who worked their fingers bloody for 12 cents an hour. That didn't happen, I made that up! Ross Geller: Hey! Gunther: Oh, Ross? Ross! You can't put up flyers in here. Ross Geller: How come? Everybody else does. Gunther: You can't. Monica Geller: What is that? Ross Geller: Oh, umm, I'm just getting rid of a couple of things. Monica Geller: This is all of your things. Ross Geller: Yes, yes it is! No, but it's good it's-Emily thinks we should get all new stuff. Stuff that's just ours, together. Y'know brand new. Monica Geller: So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Rachel-ever-used sale. Ross Geller: Touched. Used. Sat on. Sleep on. Gunther: I'll take it all. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Ross, you're okay with that? Ross Geller: Look, if I can just do what Emily wants and get her to New York, I'm sure everything will be fine. Chandler Bing: Okay, but don't you think this is a little extreme? Ross Geller: After what I did? Can you blame her? Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! You got off easy! When my friend Silvie's husband said someone else's name in bed, she cursed him and turned his thingy green. Joey Tribbiani: What is he doing? What, Emily, thinks Ross's furniture has got Rachel coodies? Monica Geller: Now calm down Joey. Joey Tribbiani: No! Everything's gettin' all messed up, y'know? Emily won't let Ross see Rachel, we're not gonna stop seeing Rachel, hence Ross stops seeing us! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I hate this. Everything's changing. Chandler Bing: Yeah I know, we're losing Ross, Joey said hence... Monica Geller: Look, I'm not happy about this either, but y'know if-if Ross says he's happy then we're just gonna have to keep our feelings about Emily to ourselves. Are you cool with that? Joey Tribbiani: No! But y'know, I'm an actor, I'll act cool. Rachel Green: Ohh, whoa God! Storage rooms give me the creeps! Monica, come on please hurry up honey! Please? Monica Geller: Rachel, if you want the little round waffles, you gotta have to wait until I find the little waffle iron. Rachel Green: I want the little round waffles. Monica Geller: All right. Op, here it is! Right underneath the can of-of bug bomb. I wonder if the best place to put something that cooks food is underneath the can of poison? Rachel Green: Okay, y'know what? I'll-I'll have toast! Rachel Green: Arghhhh!!!!!! Monica Geller: Oh my God! Fog him! Fog him! Phoebe Buffay: I don't know what I'm gonna do about this coat. Joey Tribbiani: I'll take it! Phoebe Buffay: That might work! Joey Tribbiani: Ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah! Enh? All right, what do you think? Chandler Bing: You're on in 5 Ms. Minnelli. Ross Geller: No-no-no, it's just a bit sudden. No, it's great. Okay? I'm totally on board. I love you too, all righty. Bye. Joey Tribbiani: What's the matter Ross? Ross Geller: Nothing. Oh, actually, great news! I just got off the phone with Emily and it looks like I'm moving to a new apartment. Woo-hoo! Phoebe Buffay: Why? Ross Geller: Well, her thought is, and I agree, fresh new furniture, why not a fresh new apartment? Her cousin has this great place to sublet, it's got a view of the river on one side and Columbia on the other. Joey Tribbiani: That's way uptown! That's like three trains away! Which is great! I love to ride that rail! Chandler Bing: So you're really okay with this? Ross Geller: Yes! Yes! I mean it's-it's kinda far from work, but uh, y'know, I'll get so much done on the commute. I-I've been given the gift of time! Chandler Bing: Now that's so funny, because last Christmas I got the gift of space. We should get them together and make a continuum. Joey Tribbiani: Now he's movin'? Man, what is Emily doing to him? Ow!! He's not even here!!! Rachel Green: You guys! You guys! Monica Geller: We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man! Rachel Green: It was like this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a bigfoot or a yeti or something! Monica Geller: And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him! Rachel Green: Yeah, I-I-I just pulled the tab and I just fogged his yeti ass! Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, like dark hair, bushy beard? Rachel Green: Yeah! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you fogged Danny. Rachel Green: Please! We did not fog Danny! Who's Danny? Joey Tribbiani: Dan just moved in downstairs. Yeah, he just got back from like this four-month trek in the Andes. Nice fella. Monica Geller: Oh he's nice. He's nice! Y'know, you always stick up for the people we fog! Danny: Yeah? Rachel Green: Hi! You might not remember us, but we are the girls that fogged you. Monica Geller: We're-we're really sorry we fogged you. Danny: Okay. Rachel Green: Hi! Just so you know, we-we didn't mean to fog you, we thought you were like a yeti or something. Danny: Okay. Danny: Yesss? Rachel Green: Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I don't think we can accept your acceptance of our apology, it just doesn't really seem like you mean it. Monica Geller: Yeah. Danny: O-kay! Monica Geller: Wow! That guy is so rude! Rachel Green: Really! What is with that guy? I mean you'd forgive me if I fogged you. Monica Geller: Well you did a little bit. Rachel Green: Oh my God, honey, I'm so sorry! Monica Geller: I totally forgive you! Rachel Green: Really? Monica Geller: Yes! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: So listen, you know my friend Chris who owns the crematorium? Monica Geller: Crematorium Chris? Sure! Phoebe Buffay: He says, that he would cremate my fur coat for free if I umm, y'know, bring in the next person I know who dies. Rachel Green: Oh my God! Oh my God, look at these pelts! Monica Geller: Don't get too attached, she's having it cremated. Rachel Green: What? Uhh, Phoebe, honey, honey, I know you're quirky and I get a big kick out of it, we all do actually, but if you destroy a coat like this that is like a crime against nature! Not nature, fashion! Phoebe Buffay: This is fashion?! Okay, so to you, death is fashion?! That's really funny. Here's Phoebe umm, sporting uh, y'know, cutting edge hairy carcass from y'know, the steal traps of wintry Russia. I mean, you really thing this looks good? 'Cause I do. Ross Geller: I know I miss you too. I can't wait to see you. I love you. Bye. Chandler Bing: Okay, what is in here? Rocks? Ross Geller: No-no, this is my collection of fossil samples. Chandler Bing: So, rocks. Ross Geller: I'm really gonna miss this apartment. Y'know, Ben-Ben took his first steps right over there. Joey Tribbiani: Ohh. Hey, remember when I ran into this thing and it kinda knocked me out a little? Ross Geller: I loved this place! To tell you the truth, I wish I didn't have to move. Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, are you saying that you're not entirely happy about this? Ross Geller: Well, I mean if uh, if Emily gave me a choice... Joey Tribbiani: You do have a choice!! Ross, why are you listening to her?! Are you, are you crazy?! Ross Geller: Why? Joey Tribbiani: It's not right what Emily wants you to do! She is totally-Owww!! Stop pinching me! Look, now you guys said I only had to keep my mouth shut as long as Ross was happy, right? Well he just told me that he's not entirely happy. Ross Geller: What's going on? Joey Tribbiani: We all hate Emily! Phoebe Buffay: Nooo!! Monica Geller: No, Ross, we do not hate Emily. We-we just, we just think that you're having to sacrifice a whole lot to make her happy. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Chandler Bing: Look, we just think that maybe she's being a little unreasonable. Joey Tribbiani: Yes! Yes! Unreasonable! Ross Geller: Unreasonable? How about we have this conversation when one of you guys gets married! You have no idea what it takes to make a marriage work! All right, it's about compromise! Do you always like it? No! Do you do it? Yes! Because it's not all laughing, happy, candy in the sky, drinking coffee at Central Perk all the time! It's real life, okay? It's what grown-ups do! Phoebe Buffay: I think he's right. You guys hang out at the coffeehouse way too much. Monica Geller: God, I feel so guilty about Ross. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I know. Joey Tribbiani: I kinda feel like it's my fault. Chandler Bing: Kind of? If you just kept this to yourself none of this would've happened. Joey Tribbiani: Well, I'm keeping so many things to myself these days, something was bound to slip out! Chandler Bing: Well, I think it's very brave what you said. Phoebe Buffay: All right, I can't sit here anymore. I have to walk places. Chandler Bing: Pheebs, what are you doing with the coat? How about the whole animal rights thing? Phoebe Buffay: Well, I've been reading up and for your information, minks are not very nice. Okay, I admit it! I love this coat! Okay, I-it's the best thing I've ever had wrapped around me, including Phil Huntley! Remember Phil Huntley? He was fine! Rachel Green: Hi! Danny: So you like the short hair better. Rachel Green: What? Yeti-I mean Danny? Danny: I had to cut my hair to get rid of the uh, fogger smell. Rachel Green: Oh. Listen, I'm so sorry. I would, I would've never fogged you if y'know if you hadn't looked so... Y'know. Danny: Absolutely. Some people are just into appearances. Rachel Green: What? Danny: That's cool. Cool. Rachel Green: What? Hey! No-no-no! This not cool! You don't even know me! Danny: Come on, you got the shopping bags and the Sack's catalog. Rachel Green: So from that you think you've got me all figured out? Well, you don't! Y'know I-I could have toys for underprivileged kids in here! Danny: Do you? Rachel Green: Well, y'know, if-if kids like to play with Capri pants. Danny: Okay. Rachel Green: And stop saying that! I hate that! Danny: Okay! Rachel Green: Fine! I judged you. I made a snap judgement. But you did it too! And you are worse because you are sticking to your stupid snap judgement! You can't even open up your mind for a second to see if you're wrong! What does that say about you? Danny: The pizza-place across the street any good? Rachel Green: What?! Danny: I'm hungry. Wanna get some pizza? You can keep yelling if there's more. Rachel Green: Okay. Okay. Danny: Stop saying that. I hate that. Chandler Bing: Uh, Ross? Phoebe Buffay: Are you still mad at us? Ross Geller: Yep. Phoebe Buffay: Oh good! Because we have an "I'm sorry" song. Ross Geller: Y'know what? I'm really not in the mood. Joey Tribbiani: Look, Ross, I feel really bad. I mean, you're going through all this stuff and I just acted like a jerk. Chandler Bing: Yeah, we are so sorry. Phoebe Buffay: You're kinda stepping on the song. Joey Tribbiani: Look, we were way out of line, we totally support you. Monica Geller: Whatever you decide, whatever you do. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, now you're just taking lines right out of the song! Ross Geller: Look, this is hard enough! I really need you guys right now. Phoebe Buffay: Yes! Exactly! And that's why... Monica Geller: Why don't you come over tonight? And I'll make you favorite dinner. Ross Geller: Okay. Thanks you guys. Pheebs are you wearing fur? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, let's get some perspective people; it's not like I'm wearing a seeing-eye dog coat! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, y'know Ross, I think I kinda understand why I kinda lost it today. Ross Geller: You do, huh? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah you see umm, well, I'm an actor. Right? So I gotta keep my emotions right at the surface y'know? See what I'm saying? I gotta lot of balls in the air. Y'know what I mean? It's tough! Guys like me, y'know, you wander around, you're alone... Ross Geller: What are you talking about? Joey Tribbiani: I'm not sure. Rachel Green: Hi! Monica Geller: Hey, look at you! Where have you been? Rachel Green: Oh, I went to have pizza. With Danny. Monica Geller: How did that happen? Rachel Green: That yeti is one smooth talker. Monica Geller: I hope you're not full, 'cause dinner's almost ready. Rachel Green: Yeah, y'know I-I think I'm just gonna hang out in my room. Everyone: No! Why? Rachel Green: Come on you guys! Listen, if Emily knew I was here having dinner you with you she would flip out and you know it. It's okay, I really... I don't mind. Ross Geller: Wait! Wait! Wait! Y'know what? Just stay. Please? It uh... It would really mean a lot to me if you stayed. Rachel Green: Ross, I... Joey Tribbiani: RACHEL PLEASE!!! JUST HAVE DINNER WITH US!!! Rachel Green: Okay. Okay. Joey, it's okay. Settle down. Joey Tribbiani: All right, I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You see Rach I'm an actor... Ross Geller: Hey! Hey, look! Ugly Naked Guy's back! Rachel Green: I haven't seen him in so long! Phoebe Buffay: Oh God, I really missed that fat bastard! Monica Geller: Wow, this is so weird. I just realized this might be the last time we'll all be hanging out together. Joey Tribbiani: It's almost as if he knew. Monica Geller: I'll get it. Hello. Hi Emily! Yeah, uh you-you tracked him down. Hold on one second. Ross Geller: Hey! Yeah-yeah, we're just having dinner. Uh, yeah, sure uh hold on. She wants to say hi. Hold on. Phoebe Buffay: Hi Emily! Chandler Bing: Hi! Emily Waltham: Hello everyone. So who am I saying hello too? Joey Tribbiani: Well uh, I don't know about who's here, but I can tell you for damn sure who's not here and that's Rachel!! Emily Waltham: Well, I should hope not. Ross knows better than that by now. Ross Geller: Y'know what? Uh, Rachel is here! Emily Waltham: She's there?! Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, there-there she is! Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah, she's here. Emily Waltham: Ross, take me off speakerphone. Ross Geller: Hi. Emily Waltham: How can you do this too me?! I thought I'd made my feelings about Rachel perfectly clear! Ross Geller: Look Emily, I'm just having dinner with my friends, okay? Emily Waltham: You obviously can't keep away from her. Ross Geller: Emily that's ridiculous. Look, I'm-I'm moving for you, I'm cutting friends out of my life for you. Please, just get on the plane and come to New York. Okay, you'll see you're the only person I want to be with. Emily Waltham: I'll feel better when I'm there, and I can know where you are all the time. Ross Geller: Well, you can't know where I am all the time. Look, this marriage is never gonna work if you don't trust me. Emily Waltham: You're right. Ross Geller: So, can you trust me? Emily Waltham: No. Joey Tribbiani: I think it's going okay. Looks like he's smiling. Monica Geller: How can you tell? You can only see the back of his head! Joey Tribbiani: You can totally tell! Here look, watch me. Smile! Frown. Smile! Frown. Smile! Ross Geller: Well, I guess that's it. Everyone: Why, what happened? Joey Tribbiani: What happened? What happened? Ross Geller: My marriage is over. Everyone: What?! Monica Geller: Oh, sweetie. Oh, look at you. You're shivering. Phoebe Buffay: Here. Rachel Green: Ross, honey, is there anything we can do? Ross Geller: Yeah. You can help me get my furniture back from Gunther. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, stop tormenting me! This mink! Okay, they're mean! And they hate squirrels! And y'know, okay, most of these probably wanted to be coats! All right, fine, now I get it. Here. You take it. Are you happy now? I'm cold!
Chandler Bing: Are you looking at naked tribe's women? Joey Tribbiani: No, look. Chandler Bing: That's a pig. Joey Tribbiani: I know, I know, but look at the knobs on her. Chandler Bing: Hey! Ross Geller: Emily's cousin kicked me out! Chandler Bing: What?! Joey Tribbiani: Why? Ross Geller: Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back. Chandler Bing: How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease? Ross Geller: Who needs a lease when it's family! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you can stay with us! We'll take care of ya! Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah! Absolutely! Anything you need man! But you have to promise me the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Ross Geller: You got it. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Ross Geller: Thanks you guys, I really appreciate this. All right, I'm gonna get packing again. Man, I've been moving around so much I'm beginning to feel like a nomad. Ross Geller: What? Chandler Bing: He thought you said gonad. Health Inspector: Wow, Monica, if every restaurant is as clean as yours, I'd have a tough time making a living. Monica Geller: Oh, Larry. Phoebe Buffay: Umm, do health inspectors work on commission? Larry: No, bribes. Phoebe Buffay: It's okay to laugh right? Larry: Yeah, I was just kidding. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Larry: I'll check the kitchen floors. Monica Geller: Okay, knock yourself out, Larry. Phoebe Buffay: Yum-my! Monica Geller: Larry? Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah! I'd let him check out my kitchen floors. Larry: A 98. I deducted 2 points because you are not wearing your chef's hat, and that is a Section 5 violation. Monica Geller: Uh, look, Larry honey, umm, I wrote the book on Section 5 and I know that you don't have to wear your hat unless you're in the kitchen. Larry: And where is your hat? Monica Geller: It's in the kitchen, I'll go get it. Larry: Ahh that's the 2 points. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, you should really read that book you wrote. Wow! You saw the hat in the kitchen and knew that she'd have to go in there hatless to get it. You can have your own health inspector detective show! Larry: Oh, I don't know about that. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but then I can be you sidekick Vunda. Larry: Maybe uh, Vunda could give me her number and I can ask her to dinner sometime. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, she would love that! Y'know, 'cause you know all the clean places to eat. Larry: I-I'll call ya. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: He's so funny! Monica Geller: Thanks. Rachel Green: Thank you. Mon? Monica Geller: Hmm? Rachel Green: How's Ross doing? Y'know since all the Emily stuff. Monica Geller: He's not great umm, but he's dealing with it. Oh wait a minute, you're not gonna try... Rachel Green: Oh, honey, please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's gonna screwed up for a looong time. And besides y'know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced. Monica Geller: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married. Danny: Two pounds of Moca Java please. Monica Geller: Danny. Are you guys ever gonna go out again? Rachel Green: I don't know! He hasn't called me since that one time when we went out. I see him in the hallway, we flirt, I'm all ha-ha-ha-ha, and nothing. Danny: Hey! Rachel Green: Hi Danny! Wow! Thirsty huh? Danny: Uh, actually, actually, I'm having a party at my place on Saturday, it's sort of a house warming kind of thing. Monica Geller: Ohh, fun! Rachel Green: Ohh, great! Danny: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it. Rachel Green: Yeah. Danny: Okay, see ya. Monica Geller: Well, I guess we won't be warming his house. Rachel Green: Okay. All right, I see what he's doing! He's not asking me out, because he wants me to ask him out. Monica Geller: And you're not gonna do that. Rachel Green: That's right! 'Cause that would give him the control! So now he's all ooh, coming up with this whole I've got a party thing y'know, trying to get me to hint around for an invitation. Blew up in his face, didn't it? Monica Geller: So-so there is no party. Rachel Green: No, there's a party. There's a party. But the power, that is still up for grabs. You follow me? Monica Geller: I think so. Se, he-he's not inviting you to his party because he likes you. Rachel Green: Exactly. Joey Tribbiani: Ross? Ross Geller: Hey roomies! Chandler Bing: Love what you've done with the place. Ross Geller: Oh, yeah I know, I know, it's a lot of boxes, but again I really appreciate you guys letting me stay here. Joey Tribbiani: Not a problem. And listen, hey! Since you're gonna be here for a while, why don't-I was thinking we uh, put your name on the answering machine. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah! Ross Geller: Oh, I uh, hope you don't mind, I kinda uh, jazzed it up a little. Check this out. We will, we will, call you back! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, all right! Ross Geller: Pretty cool, huh? Joey Tribbiani: You're fake laughing too, right? Chandler Bing: Oh, the tears are real. Larry: You look beautiful this evening. Phoebe Buffay: Show me the badge again. Phoebe Buffay: Shiny. Larry: Oh, will you mind if I wash up? Because I came straight from work and who knows where these babies have been. Phoebe Buffay: You are just nonstop! Larry: We're outta here! Phoebe Buffay: Why?! Larry: Just walking past the kitchen I saw 10 violations! I'm shutting this place down! Phoebe Buffay: You have the power to do that? Larry: This does. Phoebe Buffay: Shut it down. Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Chandler Bing: What are you doing? Joey Tribbiani: Nothing. Chandler Bing: You built a fort didn't ya? Joey Tribbiani: Kinda. Chandler Bing: Oh my God, the air purifier! Ross's air purifier! All I heard through 4 years of college was Joey Tribbiani: Dude, you should've gone out once and a while. Chandler Bing: I hate this thing! Joey Tribbiani: Come on, Chandler, Ross is our friend. He needs us right now, so why don't you be a grown up and come and watch some TV in the fort! Rachel Green: Oh, hi Danny. Danny: Hey guys, I just uh, wanted to invite you to the party tomorrow night. Monica Geller: Oh, thanks! We'll try to stop by. Rachel Green: Uh, actually, I think I'm gonna be busy. Monica Geller: You are? Rachel Green: Yeah! Remember I got that uh, gala. Danny: Yeah, what's the gala for? Rachel Green: It's a uh, regatta gala. Danny: Really! You-you sail? Rachel Green: No-no, but I support it. Danny: Okay, hope I see you tomorrow night. Monica Geller: Okay. Danny: Take care. Rachel Green: Okay. Walked right into that one didn't he? Monica Geller: What one? You wanted him to invite you to the party and he did it! Rachel Green: Yeah, but he waited until the last minute! So if I said yes, he would know I had nothing better to do than wait around for an invitation to his stupid party. I said, "No!" Which puts me right back in the driver seat. Monica Geller: Great. So the ball is in his court? Rachel Green: Ball? There is no ball. Ross Geller: Joey, please! Joey Tribbiani: Sorry. Joey Tribbiani: Ahhhhhhhhhh... Chandler Bing: Hello children! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Wanna play some foosball? Please? Chandler Bing: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: No-no, no! We have to move the table into my room, yeah! 'Cause of all the boxes. Come on! Joey Tribbiani: All right, I have one question. What is the deal with this? Chandler Bing: Bye-bye little puppet Joey hand? Joey Tribbiani: No, the quiet down thing! Chandler Bing: You mean this. Joey Tribbiani: Um-hmm! Look, I-I-I don't know how much more of this I can take! Did you know he taped over my Baywatch tape with some show about bugs! My God! What if that had been porn? Chandler Bing: All right look, y'know, this maybe tough but come on, this is Ross! I survived college with him! Joey Tribbiani: All right, I guess I can hold out a little longer. Let's have a game. Chandler Bing: Okay. Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no! Joey Tribbiani: YES!! Ross Geller: Uh fellas, Chandler Bing: Okay, so he's out of here. Joey Tribbiani: Um-hmm. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: You guys got anything to eat? I just went down to Johnos for some chicken and it was closed! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I took Larry there to eat but it was all violated. So we shut it down! Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs, if this guy keeps closing down all of our favorite places, where are we gonna eat?! Monica Geller: I don't know, clean places? Joey Tribbiani: Umm, yum! Monica Geller: It's Danny. Rachel Green: Don't let him in! I'm supposed to be at a regatta gala. Monica Geller: We'll be right there! Can't you just say it starts later? Rachel Green: What? What kind of a regatta gala starts at night?! Monica Geller: The fake kind! Danny: Hey, hi, I need a ladle. You got a ladle? Monica Geller: We have a ladle. Danny: Thanks, see you at the party. Monica Geller: Okay, great! Phoebe Buffay: Hey, guys, you know what Larry would say? He would say, "See you ladle." Chandler Bing: Well, I-I-I'm done with this. You want anything Ross? Sports? International? Apartment listings? Ross Geller: I'll take sports. Joey Tribbiani: Mine! Ross Geller: All right. Uhh, international. Joey Tribbiani: Oh that's mine too! I'm Italian! Ross Geller: Well, I guess I can check out those apartment listings, even though there's never anything in here. Chandler Bing: Not even on page 7? Ross Geller: Oh yeah! You're-hey, you're right! Here's an affordable place, two bedroom, close to work, ooh, it's available in five weeks! Chandler Bing: What about that circled one? Ross Geller: Oh, I-I don't know, it's kind of expensive for a studio. Joey Tribbiani: But it's available now! Isn't it? Chandler Bing: Yes, it is. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, let's go look at it! Ross Geller: Okay, let's go. Joey Tribbiani: Okay! Chandler Bing: There we go! Ross Geller: Oh-oh-ooh, hey guys, I was wondering if you guys would uh, maybe chip in on some new air filters for the air purifier? I mean after all, we all are using it. Chandler Bing: Let's go quicker. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Ross Geller: Oh my God! Chandler Bing: Yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash bathroom. Well that's great! Y'know so you can cook while in the tub. Joey Tribbiani: Somebody was using his head. Hey, let's check out the rest of the place. Ross Geller: I think this is it. I don't know, maybe we should keep looking. Joey Tribbiani: But hey, Ross, this place is available now! Chandler Bing: Yeah, you don't want to be stuck with us for the next five weeks. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Ross Geller: So, you-you think I should go ahead and take this place? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, it's perfect! Ross Geller: How about you? Chandler Bing: It's a kitchen slash bathroom. Ross Geller: All right, I see what you guys are saying. I'll uh, I'll go downstairs and fill out an application. Chandler Bing: We are bad people. Joey Tribbiani: He knew we were trying to get rid of him. He knew! You think we could get a bathtub in our kitchen? Larry: Hey, ready for dinner? Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, absolutely! Larry: Great! How about you wanted to go the Italian place down on Bleaker Street right? Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, I love that place! So, no. Larry: How about Mama Lisettie's? Phoebe Buffay: Enh. Sure! Larry: I wonder how long that milk has been setting out. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, no-no, this place is totally healthy! That-this milk is mine. I bought this today, 'cause I was thirsty for milk, y'know. Okay, let's go! Larry: Hey, buddy! Are you familiar with Section 11-B of the Health Code that requires all refuse material out the back exit? Gunther: But then I'd have to go all the way around the dry cleaner place. Larry: Oh, so you're saying you'd choose convenience over health?! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, stop! Larry, okay, can't you just be Larry and not Larry the health inspector guy? Y'know I mean it was really exciting at first but now it's like, okay, so where are we gonna eat ever? Larry: Well, I suppose I could give him a warning. Phoebe Buffay: Thank you. Okay, go! Go! Go! Now, if after dinner you still really need to bust someone, I know a hot dog vendor who picks his nose. Joey Tribbiani: Maybe, maybe we did a good thing, helping Ross get back on his feet! Chandler Bing: Yes that was a nice place! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Chandler Bing: Not a lot of closet space, but he can just hang his stuff out the window in a bag! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Chandler Bing: What are we gonna do? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. Maybe pizza? Chandler Bing: About Ross! Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Oh! Joey Tribbiani: Hello! Oh yeah! It's the apartment manager; Ross put us down as references. Ross is the greatest guy you'll ever meet! Yeah, he's very reliable. Chandler Bing: Of course he has this big huge dog! That uh, barks into the night. Well, who doesn't love dogs? Ah, he's a tap dancer! Yes, some would say that is a lost art. He's a pimp! There you go! Yes, he's a pimp. He's a big, tap dancing pimp! Hello? Chandler Bing: Ohhhhh! Rachel Green: Shoot, shoot, this is never gonna work! He's right there! Monica Geller: Just go over and say hi. Rachel Green: No, I have to go downstairs and come back up as if I'm coming home from the regatta gala. Okay? So just go distract him. But don't be sexy. Monica Geller: Hey, Danny! Danny: Hey! What's going on? Monica Geller: Oh, it's a great party! Great food. Y'know, most parties it's all chips and salsa, chips and salsa. So umm, what's this? Danny: Salad. Monica Geller: Ooooh! And-and-and what-what's this? Danny: Bread. Aren't you a chef? Monica Geller: Oh. Danny: Hey! Rachel! Rachel Green: Hey! Oh right, tonight was your party. Danny: Oh wow, you look great! Glad you could make it. Rachel Green: Oh well, y'know, the gala had to end sometime. Danny: Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back. Rachel Green: Yeah, sure. All right, whose court is the ball in now? Monica Geller: I thought there wasn't a ball? Rachel Green: Oh, come on! He's glad that I came, he doesn't want me to go anywhere, balls flying all over the place! Danny: Rachel, this is my friend Tom. This is the girl I told you about. Rachel Green: Oh, go on! You telling people about me? Danny: You two could really hit it off! I'm gonna go mingle. Tom: So you work at Bloomingdale's, huh? My mom calls it Bloomies. Rachel Green: Yeah, okay, at ease solider! Tom: I'm sorry? Rachel Green: No, it's all right, you can just drop the act Tommy. I know what's going on here. Your Danny's wingman right? You guys are best buds. Frat bros! Tom: I'm gonna go talk to uh, a friend. Rachel Green: Yeah, yeah, you go talk to your friend. You tell him, "Nice try." Rachel Green: Man! He just keeps lobbing them up and I just keep knocking them right out of the park! Monica Geller: I think I need a drink. Rachel Green: Yeah! Chandler Bing: 98. 99. 100. Okay, go! Joey Tribbiani: Dude, I'm telling ya! I'm fine! Chandler Bing: Here we go! Here we go! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey. So I uh, I didn't get that apartment. Some problem with my application. Joey Tribbiani: You're kidding! Chandler Bing: You're kidding, no! Ross Geller: Yeah. But, the good news is that Phoebe said that I could stay at her place for a while. So... Joey Tribbiani: But you can't stay with Phoebe, Ross! We're-we're roomies! Ross Geller: Look, you guys don't need me here taking up your space. Joey Tribbiani: Well, we got plenty of space! There-there's still some over there by-by that speaker. Please, just stay! Chandler Bing: Yeah! Ross Geller: Are you guys sure about this? Joey Tribbiani: Definitely! Chandler Bing: Yes! Ross, you have to stay! Ross Geller: All right. Joey Tribbiani: All right! Chandler Bing: All right, buddy! Ross Geller: So I'm a pimp huh? It's okay! Look, I know that sometimes I can be a pain in the ass, but you just have to talk to me. Tell me if something is bothering you. Okay? And for my part I will do everything I can to keep my annoying habits just . Chandler Bing: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much? Ross Geller: Come on, it's fun! Chandler Bing: All right! Isn't this a woman's hat? Joey Tribbiani: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!
Rachel Green: Oh Monica that was the best Thanksgiving dinner ever! I think you killed us. Ross Geller: I couldn't possibly eat another bite. Joey Tribbiani: I need something sweet. Phoebe Buffay: Does anyone wanna watch TV? Everyone: Yeah, sure. Phoebe Buffay: Monica your remote doesn't work. Monica Geller: Phoebe, you have to lift it and point. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Aw, forget it. Rachel Green: Yeah, you know what we should all do? We should play that game where everyone says one thing that they're thankful for. Joey Tribbiani: Ooh-ooh, I! I am thankful for this beautiful fall we've been having. Monica Geller: That's very nice. Chandler Bing: That's sweet, Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, the other day I was at the bus-stop and this lovely fall breeze came in out of nowhere and blew this chick's skirt right up. Oh! Which reminds me, I'm also thankful for thongs. Joey Tribbiani: I mean, it's not so much an underpant as it is a feat of engineering. I mean, it's amazing how much they can do with so little material! And the way they play with your mind! Is it there? Is it not there? Chandler Bing: Are you aware that you're still talking? Monica Geller: Is anyone thankful for anything else besides a thong? Ross Geller: Huh, I don't know what to pick. Am I more thankful for my divorce or my eviction? Hmm. Phoebe Buffay: Wow! See, and I didn't think you'd be able to come up with anything. Ross Geller: I'm sorry. It's just that this is the worse Thanksgiving ever. Chandler Bing: No-no-no! I am the king of bad Thanksgivings. You can't just swoop in here with your bad marriage and take that away from me. Rachel Green: Oh, you're not gonna tell the whole story about how your parents got divorced again are you? Ross Geller: Oh God, no. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, come on! I wanna hear it! It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without Chandler bumming us out! Chandler Bing: It's a tradition, like the parade. If the parade decided it was gay, moved out, and abandoned its entire family. Nora Tyler Bing: Now Chandler dear, just because your father and I are getting a divorce it doesn't mean we don't love you. It just means he would rather sleep with the house-boy than me. The Housekeeper: More turkey Mr. Chandler? Ross Geller: You're right. Yours is worse. You are the king of bad Thanksgivings. Phoebe Buffay: I don't know about that. I've got one that's worse. Chandler Bing: Really? Worse than, "More turkey Mr. Chandler?" Phoebe Buffay: Oh, did the little rich boy have a problem with the butler? Yes, mine's worse! Phoebe Buffay: More bandages! More bandages! Please, can I get some more bandages in here! This man is dying- Oh no. Ross Geller: In this life, Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, this life! Oh okay no, Chandler's is worse. Joey Tribbiani: Man, it must be so cool remembering stuff like that! I don't have any past life memories. Phoebe Buffay: Of course you don't sweetie. You're brand new. Rachel Green: I know Monica's worst Thanksgiving. Monica Geller: Oh, let's not tell this story. Everyone: Oh, come on! Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, I know! I know! It's the one where Joey got Monica's turkey stuck on his head! Rachel Green: What?! Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, it's not like it sounds. Chandler Bing: It's exactly like it sounds. Joey Tribbiani: Hello? Phoebe Buffay: Hello? Joey Tribbiani: Phoebe? Phoebe Buffay: Joey? What's going on? Joey Tribbiani: Look. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani: I know! It's stuck!!! Phoebe Buffay: Easy. Step. How did it get on? Joey Tribbiani: I put it on to scare Chandler! Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Monica's gonna totally freak out! Joey Tribbiani: Well then help me get it off! Plus, it smells really bad in here. Phoebe Buffay: Well, of course it smells really bad. You have your head up a dead animal. Monica Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey, did you get the turkey basted-Oh my God! Oh my God! Who is that? Joey Tribbiani: It's Joey. Monica Geller: What-what are you doing? Is this supposed to be funny? Phoebe Buffay: No, it's not supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be scary. Monica Geller: Well, get it off now! Joey Tribbiani: I can't! It-it's stuck! Monica Geller: Well, I don't care! That-that turkey has to feed 20 people at my parent's house and they're not gonna eat it off your head! Phoebe Buffay: All right, hold on! Okay, let's just all think. Monica Geller: Okay, I got it. Phoebe? All right, you pull. I'm gonna spread the legs as wide as I can. Joey? Now is not the time! Joey Tribbiani: Sorry! Sorry. Monica Geller: Okay, count to three. 1. 2. 3! Chandler Bing: Arghhhhhh!! Joey Tribbiani: It worked! I scared ya, I knew it! Ha-ha! Chandler Bing: I'm over here big guy. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you are! I scared you! Chandler Bing: You did look like an idiot. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I wasn't the only one who looked like an idiot. All right? Remember when Ross tried to say, "Butternut squash?" And it came out, "Squatternut buash?" Ross Geller: Yeah that's the same. Monica Geller: That's it. That's my worse Thanksgiving. Phoebe Buffay: Oh wait! That can't be the one Rachel's talking about. She didn't even know that happened. So which one was it? Everyone: Which one? Monica Geller: Umm, I-I really don't want to tell this story. Chandler Bing: Oh, come on Monica, reliving past pain and getting depressed is what Thanksgiving is all about. Y'know, for me anyway. And of course, the Indians. Monica Geller: Look umm, of all people, you do not want me to tell this story! Judy Geller: Monica! I think Rachel's here! Monica Geller: I'll get it! Happy Thanksgiving! Rachel Green: Not for me. Chip and I broke up! Monica Geller: Oh, why? Why? What happened? Rachel Green: Well, you know that my parents are out of town and Chip was going to come over... Monica Geller: Yeah, yeah, and you were going him y'know, your flower. Rachel Green: Okay, Monica, can you just call it sex?! It really creeps me out when you call it that! Okay, and by the way, while we're at it, a guy's thing is not called his tenderness. Believe me! Hi! Jack Geller: Hi Rachel! Rachel Green: Happy Thanksgiving! Judy Geller: You too sweethart! Ross Geller: Hey! Jack Geller: Oh my! Ross Geller: Uh, everyone, this is Chandler! My roommate and lead singer of our band! Monica Geller: Ross! Ross Geller: Oh, this is Monica. Monica Geller: Hi, I'm Ross's little sister. Chandler Bing: Okay. Judy Geller: I'm so glad you could come Chandler, we've got plenty of food so I hope you're hungry. Ross Geller: Oh, mom. Mom. Chandler hates Thanksgiving and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving food. Judy Geller: Oh, well, I'm so glad you brought him here then. Monica Geller: Umm, Chandler, if you want I can make you some macaroni and cheese for dinner. Chandler Bing: Well, as long as the pilgrims didn't eat it, I'm in. Monica Geller: dammit! Ross Geller: So uh, Rach? Does it, does it feel weird around here now? Y'know since I've been away at college. Rachel Green: Oh! No, not really. Ross Geller: Well, that's cool. So did... Rachel Green: Ugh! I cannot believe Chip dumped me for that slut Nancy Branson. I am never going out with him again. I don't care how much he begs! Monica Geller: I think his begging days are over now that he's going out with Nancy Branson. Rachel Green: Y'know what? I've just had it with high school boys! They are just silly. Silly, stupid boys! I'm going to start dating men! Ross Geller: Umm, I'm sorry Judy, I couldn't find that bowl that you and Jack were looking for. Monica Geller: Call them mom and dad you loser! Ross Geller: Monica! Monica Geller: Hey Chandler! Did you like the macaroni and cheese? Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, it was great. You should be a chef. Monica Geller: Okay! Rachel Green: Guess what?! All that stuff about Nancy Branson being a slut was all a rumor so Chip dumped her and he wants to come over to my house tonight! Monica Geller: Oh that's so great! Rachel Green: I know! Monica Geller: Oh gosh, listen if you and Chip do it tonight, promise me you'll tell me everything. Rachel Green: Oh totally, totally. Y'know it's not that big of deal, we already kinda did it once y'know. Monica Geller: I know, but y'know, this time you're gonna definitely know whether or not you did it! Rachel Green: I know, I know. And oh, and this time Chip promised that-that this time it will last at least for an entire song! Ross Geller: So I'm thinking about asking Rachel out tonight. Y'know maybe play her that song we wrote last week. Chandler Bing: Emotional Knapsack? Ross Geller: Yeah. Chandler Bing: Right on! Oh! Uh, but, don't take to long okay? 'Cause uh, we're gonna test out our fake ID's tonight, right Clifford Alverez. Ross Geller: Listen, Roland Chang, if things go well, I'm gonna be out with her all night. Chandler Bing: Dude, don't do that too me! Ross Geller: All right, it's cool you can stay here. My parents won't mind. Chandler Bing: No, it's not that, I just don't want to be stuck here all night with your fat sister. Ross Geller: Hey! Judy Geller: Monica, why don't you finish off these pies? I don't have any more room left in the fridge. Monica Geller: No. No, thank you! Jack Geller: Well Judy, you did it! She's finally full! Chandler Bing: I called you fat?! I don't even remember that! Monica Geller: Well, I do. Chandler Bing: I am so sorry. I really am. I was an idiot back then. I rushed the stage at a Wham concert for crying out loud! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I can't believe you called her fat. Ross Geller: I can't believe you let George Michael slap you. Chandler Bing: I am really sorry. That is so terrible. I am so, so sorry. Rachel Green: Actually, y'know that's not the Thanksgiving I was talking about. Monica Geller: Yes, it was! Rachel Green: No, it wasn't. It was actually the... Monica Geller: Okay, now Thanksgiving's over, let's get ready for Christmas. Who wants to go get a Christmas tree?! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, no, I have the cutest Christmas story! Chandler Bing: We wanna hear Monica's Thanksgiving story! Phoebe Buffay: Fine, all right, mine had a dwarf that got broke in half, but y'know whatever. Judy Geller: So Rachel, your mom tells me you changed your major again. Rachel Green: Oh, yeah, I had too. There was never any parking by the Psychology building. Jack Geller: Hi Rachel. Rachel Green: Oh hi! Jack Geller: Wow, love your new nose! Judy Geller: Jack. Jack Geller: What? Dr. Wilson's an artist! He removed my mole cluster. Wanna see? Judy Geller: I'll get it. Rachel Green: No, God! Please, let me! Rachel Green: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey. Happy Thanksgiving! Jack Geller: God, your hair sure is different! Chandler Bing: Yeah, we were just talking about that. I can't believe how stupid we used to look. Ross Geller: So uh, where's Monica? Judy Geller: She's upstairs. Monica! Come down! Everyone's here! Ross, Rachel, and the boy who hates Thanksgiving. Monica Geller: Hi, Chandler. Chandler Bing: Oh my God! Monica Geller: What-what's the matter? Is there, is there something on my dress? Chandler Bing: You just, you look so different! Terrific! That dress! That body! Ross Geller: Dude! Chandler Bing: Sorry! Judy Geller: Yes, yes Monica is thin. It's wonderful. But what we really want to hear about is Ross's new girlfriend. Ross Geller: Oh mom! Okay, umm, her name is Carol. And she's really pretty. And smart. And uh, she's-she's on the lacrosse team and the golf team. Can you believe it? She plays for both teams! Monica Geller: So Chandler, I guess I'll see you at dinner. Jack Geller: Dude! Chandler Bing: Sorry. Rachel Green: Oh-ho, my God! That was so awesome! You totally got him back for calling you fat! He was just drooling all over you. That must've felt so great! Monica Geller: Well it didn't! Rachel Green: What?! Monica Geller: Yeah, I mean yeah, I look great. Yeah, I feel great and yeah, my heart is not in trouble anymore! Blah, blah, blah! Y'know I still don't feel like I got him back, y'know? I just want to humiliate him. I wanna, I want him to be like naked and then I'm going to point at him and laugh! Rachel Green: Okay, that we may be able to do. Monica Geller: How? Rachel Green: Well guys tend to get naked before they're gonna have sex. Monica Geller: What?! I mean, I didn't work this hard and-and-and lose all this weight so that I can give my flower to someone like him! Rachel Green: Okay, first of all, if you keep calling it that, no one's gonna ever take it. Then, second of all you're not actually gonna have sex with him! You're just gonna make him think that you are. Monica Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: Yeah. Monica Geller: And when he's naked I can throw him out in the front yard and lock the door and all the neighbors will just humiliate him! Rachel Green: Then, you will definitely get him back! Monica Geller: Okay, so how do I make him think I wanna have sex with him? Rachel Green: Okay, oh, here's what you do. Just act like everything around you turns you on. Monica Geller: What do you mean? Rachel Green: Well, like anything can be sexy. Like umm, oh-oh, like this dishtowel! Ooh, ooh, this feels sooo good against my cheek! And-and if I feel a little hot, I can just dab myself with it. Or I can bring it down to my side and bring it through my fingers while I talk to him. Monica Geller: I can do that! Rachel Green: Yeah? Okay! Good, good, because he's coming. He's coming. Hey, what's up? Chandler Bing: Monica, I was wondering if you can make me some of that righteous mac and cheese like last year. Monica Geller: Umm, I'd love too! Ooh, I love macaroni and cheese. I love-I love the way this box feels against my cheek. Chandler Bing: Okay. Monica Geller: Boy, I love carrots! Oh! Sometimes I like to put them between my fingers like this and-and hold them down here while I talk to you. Umm, and-and-and y'know if I get really hot umm, I-I like to pick up this knife and-and umm, I-I put the cold steal against umm, my body. Chandler Bing: Are you all right? Monica Geller: Oh yeah, of course. I'm fine it's just that- The Doctor: What do we got here? The Paramedic: Twenty year old has got a severed toe on his right foot. Ross Geller: Can you please not do that feet first? You know where his injury is! Severed toe, you just said it! The Doctor: It says here that the knife went right through your shoe. Jack Geller: Of course it did. They're made of wicker. The Doctor: Did you bring the toe? Monica Geller: Oh yes! I have it right here, on ice! The Doctor: Don't worry son, we'll just attach it and- Monica Geller: What?! What is it? The Doctor: You brought a carrot. Chandler Bing: What? The Doctor: This isn't your toe, this is a small, very cold piece of carrot. Rachel Green: You brought a carrot?! Judy Geller: Oh my God! There's a toe in my kitchen. Monica Geller: God, I'm sorry! I'll go back and get it! The Doctor: It's too late, all we can do now is sow up the wound. Chandler Bing: Without my toe?! I need my toe! Monica Geller: Wait, no-no-no, I can go really fast! Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche! Jack Geller: Oh, I'm not falling for that one! Chandler Bing: That's why I lost my toe?! Because I called you fat?! Monica Geller: I didn't mean to cut it off. It was an accident. Chandler Bing: That's why for an entire year people called me Sir Limps-A-Lot?! Monica Geller: I'm sorry! It wasn't your whole toe! Chandler Bing: Yeah, well, I miss the tip! It's the best part. It has the nail. Monica Geller: Chandler! Ross Geller: Sir Limps-A-Lot, I came up with that. Joey Tribbiani: You're a dork. Chandler Bing: I can't believe this. Monica Geller: Chandler, I said I was sorry. Chandler Bing: Yeah, well, sorry doesn't bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home! I hate this stupid day! And everything about it! I'll see you later. Monica Geller: Oh wait, Chandler, come here is there anything I can do? Anything? Chandler Bing: Yeah, just leave me alone for a while. Chandler Bing: Oh-oh, I'm a duck! I go, "Quack, quack!" I'm happy all the time! Chandler Bing: Nice try. Monica Geller: Wait, wait, wait! Chandler Bing: Look, Monica... Monica Geller: Look! Chandler Bing: This is not going to work. Monica Geller: I bet this will work! Chandler Bing: You are so great! I love you! Monica Geller: What? Chandler Bing: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking! Monica Geller: You said you loved me! I can't believe this! Chandler Bing: No I didn't! Monica Geller: Yes, you did! Chandler Bing: No I didn't! Monica Geller: You love me! Chandler Bing: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Phoebe Buffay: Gauze! Gauze! I need to get some gauze in here! Can I please get some gauze in here! Whew! This is getting ridiculous uh!
Phoebe Buffay: What am I sitting on? Chandler Bing: Top of the world? Dock of the bay? I'm out. Phoebe Buffay: Ew-eww!! Undies! Rachel Green: All right! Who's are they? Who's are they? Ross Geller: Well, they're not mine! Chandler Bing: Well, they're Joey's! They gotta be Joey's! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, they're mine. Chandler Bing: See? They're Joey's! J-J-J-J-J-Joey's! Ross Geller: Why are they here? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know uhh... Well, I'm Joey. Yeah, I'm disgusting, I take my underwear off in other people's homes. Rachel Green: Well, get 'em out of here! What's wrong with you? Chandler Bing: Yeah! Monica Geller: Yeah! Rachel Green: Take 'em! Joey, you can touch them! They're your underwear. Joey Tribbiani: Chandler? A word. Joey Tribbiani: That's it! I'm tired of covering for you two! This has got to stop! Ahh! And tighty-whiteys! What are you, 8? Monica Geller: Thank you Joey, thank you so much! Joey Tribbiani: Oh hey, no, you're not welcome. Okay, look, I hate this! You guys keep embarrassing me! Yesterday, Rachel found your razor in our bathroom and I didn't know what to say, so I said it was mine and-and that I was playing a woman in a play. And one thing led to another and Monica Geller: Wow! And around the ankles, y'know that is a tough spot. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, it was! All right, listen, I can't... Chandler Bing: All this lying has been hard on us too. Joey Tribbiani: Oh-oh, yeah-yeah, I bet all the sex makes it easier! Chandler Bing: Well, yeah actually. Monica Geller: We'll try to be more careful okay? It's just that, we don't want everyone to know because this is going really well, and maybe the reason it's going really well is because it's a secret. Chandler Bing: I know it sounds really weird, but we're just so bad at relationships. Monica Geller: We are! Help us! Chandler Bing: Help! Joey Tribbiani: All right! But, you do it with me once. Monica Geller: Joey! Joey Tribbiani: Didn't think so. Monica Geller: Hey, Phoebe! Chandler Bing: Hi, Pheebs! Rachel Green: Hey, Pheebs! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Pheebs! Rachel Green: What are you reading? Phoebe Buffay: Umm, Wethering Heights. I'm taking a literature class at the New School and I have to finish it for the first session tomorrow. Chandler Bing: I didn't know you were taking a class. That is so cool. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Well, I really liked that Lamaze class I took! Y'know and this time I thought I'd go for something, y'know a little more intellectual, with a less painful final exam. Rachel Green: Honey that sounds like fun. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Ooh, you should come with me! Oh yeah, then I'd have someone to sit with! Rachel Green: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Okay-ooh, but are you going to have time to read it? Rachel Green: Oh, I read that in high school. Phoebe Buffay: This is going to be so much fun! Okay-shhh, I have to finish. Ross Geller: Hi. Joey Tribbiani: What's wrong buddy? Ross Geller: Someone at work ate my sandwich! Chandler Bing: Well, what did the police say? Ross Geller: My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich. I can't believe someone ate it! Chandler Bing: Ross, it's just a sandwich! Ross Geller: Just a sandwich? Look, I am 30 years old, I'm about to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! Someone ate the only good thing going on in my life! Monica Geller: Okay, look, I-I have enough stuff for one more sandwich, I mean I was going to eat it myself, but Ross Geller: That-that would be incredible. Thank you so much. I-I still can't believe someone ate it!! I mean, look, I left a note and everything. Chandler Bing: Knock-knock. Who's there? Ross Geller's lunch. Ross Geller's lunch, who? Ross Geller's lunch, please don't take me. Okay? Joey Tribbiani: I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, look you wanna hold onto your food? You gotta scare people off. I learned that living on the street. Ross Geller: Really?! So what would you say Pheebs? Stuff like uh, "Keep your mitts off my grub?" Chandler Bing: Say Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, this will keep them away from your stuff. Everyone: Whoa! Ohh!! Monica Geller: Phoebe, you are a bad ass! Phoebe Buffay: Someday I'll, tell you about the time I stabbed the cop. Monica Geller: Phoebe? Phoebe Buffay: Well, he stabbed me first!! Rachel Green: Sorry I'm late, but I left late. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Rachel Green: So Pheebs, what is the book about? Phoebe Buffay: I thought you said you read it in high school. Rachel Green: Well yeah, but then I remembered I started it and there was this pep rally and I was, I was on top of the pyramid but anyway-umm, what is this book about? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, umm, it's this tragic love story between Cathy and Heathcliff and umm, it takes place on like these really creepy mores in England. Which I think represents the wildness of Heathcliff's character. I totally get symbolism. The Teacher: How would you characterize the theme of this book, uh let's see here , Rachel Green? Rachel Green: Umm, well I would have to say that it's a, it's tragic love story. The Teacher: Well, that's sort of a given, but yes. Anyone else? Rachel Green: Oh-oh-oh, symbolism! And uh, the-the uh, wildness of the mores, which I think is-is mirrored in the wildness of Heathcliff's character. The Teacher: Excellent! What Rachel has shrewdly observed here... Phoebe Buffay: You completely stole my answer! Rachel Green: Well, honey that was pretty obvious. Phoebe Buffay: Well how would you know?! You didn't even read it! The Teacher: What do you think? You in the blue shirt. Phoebe Buffay: I think that uh, yours is a question with many answers. The Teacher: Would ya care to venture one? Phoebe Buffay: Would you care to venture one? The Teacher: Are you just repeating what I'm saying? Phoebe Buffay: Are you just repeating what I'm saying? The Teacher: All right, let's move on. Phoebe Buffay: Okay then. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah but why didn't you just say that you didn't read the book?! Rachel Green: Be-because I didn't want him to think I was stupid! I mean, that was really embarrassing what happened to you! Ross Geller: Phoebe! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? Ross Geller: Phoebe! You're note, amazing! Not only did no one touch my sandwich, but people at work are actually afraid of me. Yeah, a guy called me mental! Mental Geller, yeah, I always wanted a cool nickname like that. Monica Geller: Yeah, the best you got in high school was Wet Pants Geller. Ross Geller: That was the water fountain! Okay?! Anyway, people are writing reports for me, uh pushing back deadlines to meet my schedule, I'm telling you, you get tough with people you can get anything you want. Hey Tribbiani, give me that coffee! Now! Cynthia: God, this was really fun! I've been wondering if you were going to ask me out. Joey Tribbiani: So you uh, still wondering? Cynthia: No, we just went out. Joey Tribbiani: You're smart. I like that. Cynthia: Oh, candles! What is that? A blanket? A video camera? Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani: Oh no-no-no-no, wait-wait-wait!! Cynthia: I can't believe you thought that you were going to video tape us having sex on the first date! Joey Tribbiani: Hiya. Rachel Green: Joey, is what she just said umm-Oh my God. You were actually gonna... Chandler Bing: What is going on here? Rachel Green: And with Chandler in the next room. What are you, what are you sick? Joey Tribbiani: I'm Joey. I mean, I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films. Joey Tribbiani: You guys promised you'd be more careful! I mean, come on! The good Joey name is being dragged through the mud here! Monica Geller: We're so sorry. Chandler Bing: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Well, I'm telling everyone about you! That's the only way to explain the underwear and the video camera that doesn't make me look like a pig! Chandler Bing: No-no, wait! There's got to be a better explanation. You can tell them you had to make an adult film for your adult film class. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I like that. But no-no, how does that explain why Rachel found my underwear at your place? Chandler Bing: Oh-I don't know. Joey Tribbiani: Well, get ready to come out of the non-gay closet! Monica Geller: Okay, just wait, please. I promise we'll come up with something. Just give us a little more time. Joey Tribbiani: All right. Hey, but it better make me look really, really good. Oh, and another thing, the video camera? Nice!! Dr. Ledbetter: Umm, Ross. May I have a word with you? Ross Geller: Yeah, of course, Donald. Dr. Ledbetter: We've been getting reports of some very angry behavior on your part. Ross Geller: What?! Dr. Ledbetter: Threatening letters, refusal to meet deadlines, apparently people now call you mental. Ross Geller: Yeah. Dr. Ledbetter: We want you to speak to a psychiatrist. Ross Geller: Oh no, you-you don't understand. Ugh, this is so silly. Umm, this is all because of a sandwich. Dr. Ledbetter: A sandwich? Ross Geller: Yeah. You see my-my sister makes these amazing turkey sandwiches. Her secret is, she puts a, an extra slice of gravy soaked bread in the middle; I call it the Moist Maker. Anyway, I-I put my sandwich in the fridge over here... Dr. Ledbetter: Oh, you know what? Ross Geller: What? Dr. Ledbetter: I-I'm sorry. I, I-I-I believe I ate that. Ross Geller: You ate my sandwich? Dr. Ledbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone. Ross Geller: Oh-oh really? Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich with a Moist Maker? Dr. Ledbetter: No. Ross Geller: Do you perhaps seeing a note on top of it? Dr. Ledbetter: There may have been a-a joke or a limerick of some kind. Ross Geller: That said it was my sandwich?! Dr. Ledbetter: Now-now calm down. Come look in my office, some of it my still be in the trash. Ross Geller: What? Dr. Ledbetter: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it away. Ross Geller: You-you-you-you threw my sandwich away! Ross Geller: MY SANDWICH?!!! Ross Geller: MY SANDWICH!!!!!! Rachel Green: Hi! Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Rachel Green: So umm, what's this book about? Phoebe Buffay: You didn't read this one either?! Rachel Green: Well, I was gonna, but I accidentally read something else. Phoebe Buffay: What? Rachel Green: Vogue! Hey, so tell me about this Jane Eyre woman. Phoebe Buffay: No! You should've read it yourself! Rachel Green: Come on Phoebe! Don't be such a goodie-goodie! Phoebe Buffay: Fine! Okay, all right, so Jane Eyre, first of all, you'd think she's a woman, but she's not. She's a cyborg. Rachel Green: A cyborg?! Isn't that like a robot?! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, this book was light years ahead of its time. The Teacher: Sorry I'm late. Let's get started. So, what did everybody think about Jane Eyre? Phoebe Buffay: Umm, Rachel and I were just discussing it and she had some very interesting insights. The Teacher: Well, go ahead Rachel. Rachel Green: Uh, thank you Phoebe. Umm, well, what struck me most when reading Jane Eyre was uh, how the book was so ahead of its time. The Teacher: If you're talking about feminism, I think you're right. Rachel Green: Yeah, well, feminism yes, but also the robots. Chandler Bing: Hey. Monica Geller: Hey. Okay, so umm, since that video camera thing didn't work out uh, I thought that I would give you just a little preview. Chandler Bing: You're naked in this picture! Monica Geller: I know. Chandler Bing: Ross? Ross Geller: Hey Chandler. Monica! Monica Geller: Ross, are you okay? Ross Geller: I'm fine! I saw a psychiatrist at work today. Monica Geller: Why?! Ross Geller: On account of my rage. Chandler Bing: Which I may say, right now, is out of control. Ross Geller: He gave me a pill for it. Monica Geller: A pill? Ross Geller: Uh-huh. Well, when the psychiatrist told me I had to take a leave of absence because I yelled at my boss I started to get worked up again, so he offered me a tranquilizer. And I thought was a good idea so, I took it. Monica Geller: Wait a minute, they're making you take time off work? Chandler Bing: And you're okay with that? Ross Geller: I don't know. It's going to be weird not having a job for a while, but I, I definitely don't care about my sandwich. Rachel Green: Ugh, that was so embarrassing! I can't believe you let me go on and on like that! Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry. It was just so funny when you started comparing Jane Eyre to Robocop. Rachel Green: That was not funny! Phoebe Buffay: Well, I snapped! Okay? You weren't taking the class seriously. Rachel Green: Phoebe, come on! What is the big deal? I thought this was going to be something we could do together! Y'know, I thought it would be fun! Phoebe Buffay: Well, yeah! Fun is good, but y'know I also wanted to learn. Y'know, people are always talking about what they learned in high school and I never went to high school. Rachel Green: Ohh. Oh, so you really wanted to learn. Yeah, y'know, Pheebs I just wanted to have fun. Ohh, you know who you should go with? Monica Geller: I know! I know! I know! The Teacher: Monica, you asked the question. Rachel Green: Oh my God! That's Monica!! Joey Tribbiani: Oh no-no-no! No-no-no-no-no-no-no! Rachel Green: You get away from me!! You sick, sick, sick, sick-o!! Ross Geller: What's going on? Rachel Green: Joey has got a secret peephole! Chandler Bing: Oh no! No! No! No! Rachel Green: Yes! He has a naked picture of Monica! He takes naked pictures of us! And then he eats chicken and looks at them! Rachel Green: Look! Ross Geller: Dude! That's my sister! Monica Geller: Give me that! Phoebe Buffay: All right, wait! Just wait. Everybody just calm down. Okay? Let's give our friend Joey a chance to explain why he's such a big pervert! Joey Tribbiani: No! I am not a pervert! Okay? It's just... I just... Kinda... Chandler Bing: All right, look! Look. I think I can explain this. Joey Tribbiani: Thank you! Chandler Bing: Joey's a sex addict. Joey Tribbiani: What?!! No I'm not!! Monica Geller: It's okay! It's good! It's good. It's a disease! Joey Tribbiani: No! No! I am not a sex addict! Monica Geller: Yes you are! That's the only way to explain all this stuff! Joey Tribbiani: No it isn't! No, it's not. Because you can also explain it with the truth! Rachel Green: Well, what is the truth? Ross Geller: Yeah, what's going on? Phoebe Buffay: What's going on? Joey Tribbiani: I slept with Monica. Chandler Bing: Well let's...let's see what everybody thinks of that? Monica Geller: Oh no! Ross Geller: You slept with my sister? Joey Tribbiani: Uh yes, but it was, we just did it once uh, in London. Ross Geller: This is not good for my rage. Rachel Green: Monica, is this true? Joey Tribbiani: Of course it's true! How else would you explain all the weird stuff that's been going on? Monica Geller: Yes it's true. Rachel Green: Okay, but if it only happened that one time, how come we found your underwear in our apartment the other day? Joey Tribbiani: Ahh-oy! That was the underwear I was wearing that night in London. Right Monica? Monica Geller: I guess I wanted to keep it as a souvenir. Ross Geller: My God Monica!! Chandler Bing: Are you sure Joe? Are you sure you're not just a sex addict? Joey Tribbiani: No! If anyone's a sex addict here, it's Monica! Yeah. Yeah. She has been trying to get me back in the sack ever since London! Phoebe Buffay: So that's why she gave you a naked picture of herself. Joey Tribbiani: That makes sense! Rachel Green: And the video camera? Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, Monica? Monica Geller: I guess I set up the video camera to try and entice Joey. Joey Tribbiani: But sadly I could not be enticed. Ross Geller: Unbelievable! I mean you really kept Joey's underwear?! Why? Why would you do that?! Monica Geller: I'm Monica. I'm disgusting. I stalk guys and keep their underpants. Joey Tribbiani: Well, I think we've all learned something about who's disgusting and who's not. Eh? All right, now, I'm going to get back to my bucket. I'm only eating the skin, so the chicken's up for grabs. Phoebe Buffay: I really thought you making a good point. I mean y'know, until you got cut off. A Female Student: Yeah, what's up with that girl Monica? Phoebe Buffay: I don't know! I didn't come with her! Monica Geller: All right everybody! Everybody guess what? I just convinced Paul to give us a test next week! Everyone: A test?!! Monica Geller: Come on! Tests make us all better learners! Oh yeah! We should have essay questions!!
Joey Tribbiani: What are you doing? Ross Geller: I...Reorganized The Fridge. See, Bottom Shelf: Meats And Dairy. And Top Shelf expired products. Joey Tribbiani: Why are you doing this? Ross Geller: Because I am bored...Out of my mind. I've already been to the bank, post office, and the dry cleaners. Joey Tribbiani: Dude, you just described seven days worth of stuff. You've got to spread it out a little, you know. Haven't you ever been unemployed? Ross Geller: Hey, I am not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, don't get religious on me, ok. A guy in your position needs to be a little better at relaxing. You know. Why do you think we have the comfortable chairs? Huh...come here...sit down. Ready? Ahh!! Ohh, yeah!! Huh?! Ross Geller: So what, we just sit? Joey Tribbiani: Ohh, no, no. We're not going to just sit. Shhh. Chandler Bing: Hello, Chandler Bing. Joey Tribbiani: Hello Mr. Bing...I love you. Chandler Bing: Alright, whoever this is, stop calling me! It's been six months! It's not funny! Joey Tribbiani: But, I love you. Chandler Bing: Leave me alone! For the love of God, leave me alone!!! Joey Tribbiani: And that's Wednesday. Ohh. Phoebe Buffay: Hey you guys, guess what? Chandler Bing: The British are coming? Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, you and your ways. Since it's Christmastime. I'm going to be one of those people collection donations. Everyone: Ohh. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I already have my bell and later on...I get my bucket. Chandler Bing: Ohh. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, yeah, I'm going to be out there spreading joy to the people. I mean, last year, I spread a little joy but not really enough. So this year, I'm going to do the whole city. Monica Geller: You know, I knew a girl in high school who did that. She was very popular. Joey Tribbiani: So Pheebs, where are you doing all, your bell ringing? Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, they gave me a great spot. Right by Macys. Yeah, they hardly ever give such a good spot to a rookie, but I'm the only one who can sing "Merry Christmas" in 25 languages. I lied. Rachel Green: Oh my god. Ok you guys, there's Danny. Watch. Just watch this. See?! Still pretending he's not interested. Ohh, he's coming over. Just pretend like we don't know him. We've forgotten who he is. Danny: Hey guys. Everyone: Hey Danny. Monica Geller: Danny? You know Rachel? She's nice. She's not bad to look at, right? Rachel Green: Thanks, Mon. Danny: Well, of course. Monica Geller: Do you want to go out on a date with her? Rachel Green: Monica!!! Danny: Absolutely! Is Friday okay? Monica Geller: Friday's perfect...She can't wait. Danny: On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly? See ya Friday. Rachel Green: Okay. What the hell was that? You know what? Don't answer me. I have a date with Danny. Joey Tribbiani: How could I not get the part? The play was about a 29-year-old Italian actor from Queens. Estelle Leonard: Well, Telia Shire suddenly became available. Joey Tribbiani: She's a woman! Estelle Leonard: What can I say? She nailed it. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, is there anything else? Estelle Leonard: Well, you're just going to say no again but...gay porn. Phoebe Buffay: Happy Holidays. Feliz Navidad. Allo, and Merry Christmas. Ohh thank you sir. Here's some joy. Monica Geller: Phoebe! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Monica Geller: I just wanted to see how it's going. Phoebe Buffay: Well, it's going okay. Monica Geller: Well good, here let me help you out. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, thanks! Monica Geller: Yeah! Phoebe Buffay: Wow! Phoebe Buffay: Is that a new Swede jacket? It looks really expensive. Monica Geller: Yeah. I guess. Phoebe Buffay: Just get your nails done? Monica Geller: Yes Phoebe, but this is all I have. Okay? Phoebe Buffay: Okay! Thanks! Happy Holidays, here's your joy. Phoebe Buffay: Thank you! And Happy Holidays. Phoebe Buffay: Wait, you can't take the money out. The Man: I'm making change. I need change for the bus. Phoebe Buffay: But, can't you leave the dollar? This money is for the poor. The Man: I'm poor! I gotta take the bus! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, Seasons Greetings and everything, but still... The Man: Bite me, blondie! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'm going to give him something else besides joy, just... Joey Tribbiani: That part was perfect for me! I can't believe I didn't get it! Ross Geller: I'm sorry, man. Hey, y'know what you should do? You should make something happen for yourself. Y'know, like-like write a play. Write a movie! Huh? I mean, what about those Good Will Hunting guys? Joey Tribbiani: Come on Ross be realistic, y'know? If I did write something, what are the chances I could get those guys to star in it? Joey Tribbiani: Wait a second, I could star in it! Ross Geller: Or that. Joey Tribbiani: I can't write! Y'know I mean I-I-I'm an actor, I don't have the discipline that takes, y'know? I can't do it. Ross Geller: I'll help you. Yeah, I'll make up a schedule and make sure you stick to it. And plus, it'll give me something to do. Joey Tribbiani: Really? You'd-you'd do that for me?! Ross Geller: Yeah! Joey Tribbiani: Thanks! Ross Geller: All right, we'll start off slow. The only thing you have to do tonight is come up with the name of your main character. Joey Tribbiani: Done! Ross Geller: And it can't be Joey. Joey Tribbiani: It's not. Ross Geller: Or Joseph. Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Monica Geller: Hey, what's up? Rachel Green: I just saw Danny getting on the subway with a girl and he had his arm around her. Monica Geller: Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Rachel Green: Well, you should be, this is all your fault! You meddled in our relationship!! Monica Geller: You had no relationship!! Rachel Green: No, but I was doing my thing and everything was going according to the plan! Monica Geller: Oh God, stop with the plan! So what, so what you saw him with a girl? Who cares?! That doesn't mean anything! Now look, you're going to go out on a date with Danny and you're going to be so charming he's gonna forget all about that stupid subway girl. Rachel Green: She was kinda stupid. You're right. All right, I'm just gonna go on the date. I'm gonna go on the date. That is the new plan. Monica Geller: Come on, hurry! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, how do you spell suspicious? Chandler Bing: Why? Joey Tribbiani: Because I think this character is going to be suspicious about stuff. Chandler Bing: Yes! Chandler Bing, 7! Chandler Bing, 0. Joey Tribbiani: You're driving me crazy with that! Chandler Bing: Okay, I'll stop. Joey Tribbiani: Don't stop! Move the bowl further away! Ross could make that shot! Joey Tribbiani: Well, you suck! But at least you suck at a man's game now. Chandler Bing: You wanna play? Joey Tribbiani: Chandler, I can't be playing games, Ross is gonna be home soon. And I have to write five whole pages if I'm gonna stick to his schedule. Chandler Bing: Well, so, play for the next 30 minutes and then write until he gets home. Joey Tribbiani: All right! But uh, listen, what do you say we crank it up a notch? Chandler Bing: I'm intrigued. Joey Tribbiani: All right, all we need is a little lighter fluid. Chandler Bing: Okay, but be careful okay, because I wanna get our security deposit back. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I think we said good-bye to that when we invented hammer darts. Chandler Bing: Do you even remember which part of the wall is not spackle? Joey Tribbiani: Uh yeah, right here. Phoebe Buffay: Thank you, Happy Holidays. Phoebe Buffay: Now, that's trash. Young lady, you can't... Hey! Stop that young lady, she donated trash! Phoebe Buffay: Hey!! The charity's on fire! Help! Oh good! Thank you, I need that. Whoa! What is that?! It's nine o'clock in the morning! Ross Geller: All right. A room. A man enters, he looks suspicious. That's it? Joey, you're supposed to have five pages done by now! Including an exciting incident! And what is, and what is all this?! The official rulebook of Fireball. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, that's the uh, game we were playing. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, it's great! See you take a tennis ball, a bowl, and some lighter fluid-Op! Op! Ross Geller: This is helping your career?! Huh? I thought you wanted to be an actor not the creator of crazy lawsuit game! Joey Tribbiani: You're right, you're right, I'll get back to work. Ross Geller: And shame on you! You should know better, Joey needs to work. Now come on! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Ross Geller: No! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! You can have this back when the five pages are done! Ahh! Danny: I had a really nice time tonight. Rachel Green: So did I. I'm really glad Monica asked us out. Danny: I'd love to ask you in, but uh, my sister's visiting and I think she's asleep on the couch. Rachel Green: You're sister? You're sister's asleep on the couch? Ohhh! I saw her with you on the subway and now she's asleep on the couch! Danny's Sister: Oh, I thought I heard you. Danny: Oh hey, great, you're up. Rachel, this is my sister Krista. Krista, this is Rachel. Rachel Green: Hi! Krista: Nice to meet you. I wish you'd told me we were having company, I'd fix myself up! Danny: Like it would help. Krista: You are so bad! Danny: You are! Krista: You are! Danny: You are! Krista: You are! Danny: You are! Krista: You are! Danny: You are so dead! I'm gonna get you. Rachel Green: Uh, it was very nice meeting you. Phoebe Buffay: Nobody! Nobody respects the bucket! You wouldn't believe what people put in here! Look! Okay, does this look like a garbage can to you? Monica Geller: No. Phoebe Buffay: Does it look like an ashtray? Monica Geller: No. Phoebe Buffay: Does it look like a urinal? Monica Geller: Eww!! Ross Geller: So Pheebs, are you gonna go back out there or what? Phoebe Buffay: Well, yeah! But I'm not gonna take anymore crap. Okay? No more Mrs. Nice Bucket! Monica Geller: Yeah, good for you. Y'know you're tough, you lived on the streets. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I'm gonna go back to being Street Phoebe. Yeah! Oh but, y'know what? I can't go totally back because Street Phoebe really wouldn't be friends with you guys. Sorry. Rachel Green: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Rachel Green: Hey, umm, can I ask you guys something? Rachel Green: Uh, I don't have any brothers so I don't know, but uh, did you guys wrestle? Ross Geller: Oh-oh, yeah. Monica Geller: All the time. In fact, I was undefeated. Ross Geller: Uh, you weighted 200 pounds. Monica Geller: Still, I was quick as a cat. Rachel Green: Well, I met Danny's sister yesterday, and uh that was actually the girl on the subway. Monica Geller: Oh, you're kidding. Rachel Green: Yeah, they were very y'know...wrestley. But, I guess that's normal? Monica Geller: We don't, we don't wrestle now. Ross Geller: Yeah, not since I got too strong for you. Monica Geller: Too strong for me? Ross Geller: Yeah. Monica Geller: You wanna go right now? 'Cause I'll take you right now, buddy! You wanna go? Ross Geller: Oh fine. Monica Geller: Ready? Wrestle! Rachel Green: Okay, y'know what uh, actually, that's great. That helps a lot. Thanks. Chandler Bing: Guys, come on! Let's go! The puck drops in 20 minutes! Come on, Joe! Ross Geller: Joey's not going. Joey Tribbiani: I didn't finish my five pages. Chandler Bing: Well, why can't you do them tomorrow? Ross Geller: Because tomorrow he's redoing yesterday's pages. Joey Tribbiani: Yesterday's pages did not reflect my best work. Chandler Bing: Why don't you cut him a little slack? Okay? Maybe if he relaxes a little bit, he'll get some work done. Ross Geller: I think he's been relaxing enough, thanks to you and Fireball. Joey Tribbiani: Dude, if you think Fireball's relaxing, you've obviously have never played. Chandler Bing: The only reason you're doing this to Joey is because you're bored. Okay, it's not his fault that you're unemployed. Ross Geller: I am not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical! Joey Tribbiani: Come on look guys, don't fight. Ross Geller: And the reason I'm doing this is because I am Joey's friend. And if you were a good friend, you'd be doing the same thing. Chandler Bing: Oh, so being a good friend means acting like a total jerk? Ross Geller: If it does? Then you're an amazing friend of mine. Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey guys, hey! How about we settle this over a friendly game of Fireball? Huh? I'll go unhook the smoke detectors! Ross Geller: How about we settle this right now! There! Now, no one's going to the game. Ha-ha-ha! Chandler Bing: I paid for those tickets! Ross Geller: No you didn't. You said you would, but you never did! Chandler Bing: Oh yeah! Danny: ...so we finally get to the top of the mountain and airhead here forgets the camera! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, y'know the same thing happened to me one time. Chandler Bing: When did that happen to you?! Joey Tribbiani: Don't you remember when we were jogging in the park and we saw that really pretty bird and wanted to take a picture-I didn't have my camera! Chandler Bing: Oh yeah. First off all, chasing the Churo guy isn't jogging. Krista: Oh, this is so good you have got to try it. Danny: Oh, damn! I got it on my pants. Krista: Here, I'll get it. Krista: We'd better take these pants off upstairs or that stain's gonna set. Danny: Yep. I'm gonna wear these on our date tonight. Rachel Green: Oh, great! Chandler Bing: Okay, bye! Oh my God!! Monica Geller: That was unbelievable! Rachel Green: Okay, see? I told you! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, wow, sorry Rach. Chandler Bing: I don't believe they're brother and sister. Joey Tribbiani: They're brother and sister!!! Phoebe Buffay: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait a minute, open up your hand; let me take a look. Quarter. Dime. Lint? Not interested in that. What's this? A Canadian coin? Get outta here! Phoebe Buffay: Whoa-whoa-whoa! No drinks near the bucket! Set it down over there and then you can make a contribution! And you can leave the hurt bunny look over there too! Hi Bob! I thought I told you to get outta here! Bob: Uh, Phoebe we've been getting complaints and uh, we're gonna move you to a less high-profile spot. Phoebe Buffay: What?! Bob: Umm, Ginger's gonna take over this corner. Phoebe Buffay: That chick can't handle my corner. Bob: Look, either you leave, or we remove you. Phoebe Buffay: Fine. All right, I'll give you one pointer. Look out for that bitch. Danny: Oh, hey Rach! I thought we said seven? Rachel Green: Yeah uh, y'know what uh, let's skip it. Danny: What?! Why?! Rachel Green: Umm, you-you and your sister seem to have umm, a very special bond, and... Danny: Oh great! That special bond again! Why do women have such a problem with the fact that I'm close with my sister? Rachel Green: Well, okay, look. I don't know, listen, I don't know what's going on here but let's... Danny: Do-do you, do you have brothers? Rachel Green: No, I have two sisters. But one of them has a very masculine energy. Danny: Are you close with them? Rachel Green: No-no, they're not very nice people. Danny: Okay, listen, I really like you. Okay? I think this can go somewhere. So what if I'm close to my family, are you gonna let that stand in the way of us? Rachel Green: Well, uh, I-I don't know. See when-when you put it that way y'know it does sort of... Krista: Danny! Hurry up! The bath is getting cold! Danny: What? Rachel Green: Yeah, okay, I'll see you later. Chandler Bing: Oh hey! There's some kids playing in the street, you wanna go down there and give them a project, ruin their day? Ross Geller: Hey, if they have a ball maybe you can stick razor blades in it and teach them a new game, Gonna Need Stitches Ball. Joey Tribbiani: Hey guys! I was at the library all morning and I already finished my five pages for today! Ross Geller: Yay! Chandler Bing: Great! Now, we can go to the Ranger game! Last night! Joey Tribbiani: No dude, Ross tore up the tickets! Ross Geller: I guess when you don't have so many distractions, it's easier for you to focus. Huh? Chandler Bing: Yeah or also when you don't have somebody breathing down your neck ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY!! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, well, that's fine, but the important thing is that I finished it. And uh, I think it's really good, but y'know it'd really help me is if I could hear it. So would you guys read it for me? Chandler Bing: All right. Ross Geller: All right. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. "It's a typical New York City apartment. Two guys are hanging out." Ross Ross Geller: Hey man. Chandler Bing: What is up? Ross Geller: About yesterday, I was really wrong. I am sorry. Chandler Bing: No, it was me. I'm sorry. I over reacted. Ross Geller: Maybe it was both of us, but we had our best friend's interest... But we had our best friend's interest at heart. Chandler Bing: Could I be more sorry. Ross Geller: I don't know, I'm one sorry polentologist. All right Joey, we get it. I'm sorry. Chandler Bing: I'm sorry too. Joey Tribbiani: Oh no! No-no, keep reading! The good part's coming up. Keep going. Ross Geller: I am sorry, Chandler. Chandler Bing: I am sorry, Ross. Joey Tribbiani: A handsome man enters. Hey! How's it going guys? I don't know what you two were talking about, but I'd like to say thanks to both of you. You, you wouldn't let me give up on myself, and you well you co-created Fireball. The end. Chandler Bing: This took you all day?! Joey Tribbiani: No-no, this only took five minutes. I spent the rest of the day coming up with new, Ultimate Fireball. Ha-ha! Joey Tribbiani: Okay, it's a typical New York City apartment. Two girls are just hanging out. Monica Geller: Hi, how are you doing Kelly? Rachel Green: I'm doing just fine! God, Tiffany, you smell so great! Monica Geller: It's my new perfume. Why don't you come closer where you can really appreciate it? Rachel Green: Oh, y'know Joey, you are sick! Monica Geller: This is disgusting! Rachel Green: I'm not reading this! Joey Tribbiani: What?! Wait-wait-wait! The handsome man was about to enter!!
Jay Leno: Is there any entertainment there? What are people doing? Joey Tribbiani: All right! Here we go! 1999! The year of Joey! Chandler Bing: We're very happy for you. Joey Tribbiani: What's the matter?! Chandler Bing: We wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else is going to so y'know... Joey Tribbiani: All right, I'll take care of it. Monica Geller: Oh no, wait! Joey! Ross Geller: 73! 72! 71! Joey Tribbiani: Ross! Ross! Ross, listen! Who are you kissing at midnight, huh? Rachel or Phoebe? Ross Geller: What? Joey Tribbiani: Well you gotta kiss someone, you can't kiss your sister. Ross Geller: Well, who's gonna kiss my sister. Joey Tribbiani: Chandler. Ross Geller: Awww, man! Really? Joey Tribbiani: Dude-dude, who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or Chandler? Ross Geller: That's a good point. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Ross Geller: Oh well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, great! Ross Geller: All right. Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs! Pheebs! Ross wants to kiss you at midnight! Phoebe Buffay: It's so obvious, why doesn't he just ask? Joey Tribbiani: Rach! Rach! Listen, I'm gonna kiss you at midnight. Rachel Green: What?! Ross Geller: Well, everyone's gotta kiss someone. You can't kiss Ross you got the history. Rachel Green: So? Joey Tribbiani: So? Who would you rather have kiss you, me or Chandler? Rachel Green: Oh, good point. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Everyone: 3! 2! 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Chandler Bing: Happy New Year! Monica Geller: Happy New Year. Ross Geller: Happy New Year, Pheebs! Phoebe Buffay: You too! Rachel Green: Happy New Year, Joey! Joey Tribbiani: So did that do anything for ya? Ross Geller: Y'know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no divorces in '99! Rachel Green: But your divorce isn't even final yet. Ross Geller: Just the one divorce in '99! Y'know what, I am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make myself happy. Chandler Bing: Do you want us to leave the room, or? Ross Geller: Everyday I am gonna do one thing that I haven't done before. That my friends is my New Year's resolution. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh! That's a good one! Mine is to pilot a commercial jet. Chandler Bing: That's good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to do is find a planeload of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths. Phoebe Buffay: Maybe your resolution is to not make fun of your friends, especially the ones who may soon be flying you to Europe for free on their own plane. Monica Geller: She has a better chance of sprouting wings and flying up your nose than you do of not making fun of us. Ross Geller: In fact, I'll bet you 50 bucks that you can't go the whole year without making fun of us. Eh, y'know what, better yet? A week. Chandler Bing: I'll take that bet my friend. And you know what, paying me the 50 bucks could be the "new thing you do that day!" And it starts right now! Joey Tribbiani: All right, my New Year's resolution is to learn how to play the guitar. Ross Geller: Ohh. Phoebe Buffay: Really?! How come? Joey Tribbiani: Well, y'know those special skills I have listed on my resume? I would love it would be great if one of those was true. Phoebe Buffay: Do you want me to teach you? I'm a great teacher. Joey Tribbiani: Really? Who-who have you taught? Phoebe Buffay: Well, I taught me and I love me. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah that'd be great! Thanks Pheebs! Rachel Green: Op, look! Claire forgot her glasses! And she's gonna be really needing these to keep an eye on that boyfriend, who, I hear, needs to keep his stapler in his desk drawer, if you know what I'm talking about. Monica Geller: Hey Rach, maybe your resolution should be to umm, gossip less. Rachel Green: I don't gossip! Rachel Green: Well, maybe sometimes I find out things or I hear something and I pass that information on y'know kinda like a public service, it doesn't mean I'm a gossip. I mean, would you call Ted Kopel a gossip? Monica Geller: Well if Ted Kopel talked about his coworkers botched boob jobs, I would. Rachel Green: What? They were like this! Woman: I'll see you tomorrow. Ross Geller: Okay! Hey! Ross Geller: I just asked that girl out. Chandler Bing: Nice! Joey Tribbiani: Nice!! Yeah! Is that part of your resolution, your new thing for today? Ross Geller: Yes it is. See. Chandler Bing: Elizabeth Hornswoggle? Ross Geller: That's right, uh, Elizabeth Hornswoggle. Chandler Bing: Horn-swoggle. Joey Tribbiani: You all right Chandler? Is there something funny about that name? Chandler Bing: No. No, I just think that maybe I-I'd heard it somewhere before. Joey Tribbiani: Oh really! Where? Somewhere funny I'd bet! Ross Geller: Hi, Pheebs! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Ross Geller: Oh-oh, guess what? I-I have a date with Elizabeth Hornswoggle. Phoebe Buffay: Hornswoggle? Ooh, this must be killing you. Ross Geller: All right, see you later. Joey Tribbiani: See ya! All right Pheebs, I am ready for my first lesson. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Oh no-no-no, you don't touch the guitar! First you learn here, then you learn here. Joey Tribbiani: Umm, okay. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, Lesson One: Chords. Now, I Don'T Know The Actual Names Of The Chords But Umm, I-I-I Made Up Names For The Way My Hand Looks While I'M Doing Them. So then, this is Bear Claw. Okay, umm, Turkey Leg and Old Lady. Chandler Bing: What an interesting approach to guitar instruction. Y'know some might find it amusing, I myself find it regular. Phoebe Buffay: Hey everybody, Rachel was so good today. She didn't gossip at all. Rachel Green: I didn't! Even when I found out...umm, all right, well let's just say I found something out something about someone and let's just say she's gonna keep it. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Pheebs! Check-check this out. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, you nailed the Old Lady! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah listen so, I thought I was getting better, so on my way home today I stopped by this guitar store and... Phoebe Buffay: Did you, did you touch any of the guitars while you were there? Did you?! Joey Tribbiani: No. Phoebe Buffay: Give me your hands. Strings. Gimme it! Pick. Do you want to learn to play guitar? Joey Tribbiani: Yes! Phoebe Buffay: Then don't touch one!! Ross Geller: Hi! Ben Geller: Hi! Monica Geller: Hi Ben! Ben Geller: Auntie Monica!! Chandler Bing: Ross is wearing leather pants! Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants? Someone comment on the pants! Rachel Green: I think they're very nice. Monica Geller: I like 'em. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Monica Geller: I like them a lot. Chandler Bing: That's not what I had in mind! See, people like Ross don't generally wear these types of pants. You see, they're very tight. Maybe there's something in that area. Ross Geller: Oh see, I-I needed a new thing for today and there's this leather store that always smells so good and I thought to myself, "Wow, I never really owned a good smelling pair of pants before." Chandler Bing: Oh come on!! Ross Geller: Okay, seriously, what do you think? Joey Tribbiani: You look like a freak. Rachel Green: Awful, absolutely awful. Ross Geller: What are you, what are you doing? Monica Geller: It's my New Year's resolution! Ross Geller: What, to blind my child? Monica Geller: No! To take more pictures of all of us together. I mean I really think it's the best resolution because everyone will enjoy the pictures. Joey Tribbiani: Well, everyone will enjoy my music as well. Ross Geller: My God! These pants are burning up! Oh come on, she wants to snuggle now! What is she trying to kill me? It's like a volcano in here! Are you hot? Elizabeth Hornswoggle: No. Ross Geller: Okay, it must just be me then. Ross Geller: That was just the pants on the couch. Umm, hey, do you, do you mind if I use your bathroom? Elizabeth Hornswoggle: No, go ahead. Ross Geller: Thanks. Ross Geller: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Elizabeth Hornswoggle: Hey, my favorite part is coming up! Ross Geller: 'Kay! Ross Geller: Oh my God! Phoebe Buffay: Tiger! Dragon! Iceberg!! Joseph, did you even study at all last night? Joey Tribbiani: Yes! Yes, I did. Phoebe Buffay: Then do Iceberg! Joey Tribbiani: G-sharp. Phoebe Buffay: G-sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords? Have you? Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani: What?! I didn't touch a guitar! Phoebe Buffay: No, but you're questioning my method! Joey Tribbiani: No, I'm not questioning it, I'm saying it's stupid! What?! Monica Geller: Thank you. Phoebe Buffay: Y'know none of my other student thought I was stupid. Joey Tribbiani: Your other student, was you! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, well, y'know maybe you just need to try a little harder! Joey Tribbiani: Look, maybe I need to try a real teacher! Right here! Here! Andy Cooper, he teaches guitar and look ooh, there's a nice picture of him with a little kid and THE KID'S GOT A GUITAR!!!!!! Phoebe Buffay: Fine! You go learn from your qualified instructor! But don't come crying to me when everyone's sick and tired of hearing you play Bad, Bad Leroy Brown!! Rachel Green: "Baddest man in the whole damn town." Phoebe Buffay: Oh, fine! Take his side! Monica Geller: I can't wait to be with you! I'll sneak over as soon as Ross picks up Ben. I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours. Chandler Bing: Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? Monica Geller: Awww, y'know what your nickname is, Mr. Big... Rachel Green: Arghh!! Joey Tribbiani: Hello? Ross Geller: Joey, it's Ross! I need some help! Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, Chandler's not here. Ross Geller: Well, you can help me! Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Ross Geller: Listen, I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom... Joey Tribbiani: Nice! Ross Geller: No, I-I got really hot in my leather pants so I took them off but they must have shrunk from the-the sweat or-or-or my legs expanded from the heat. Look, I-I can't put them back on. I can't! Joey Tribbiani: Oh. That is quite a situation. Uh, do you see any like, powder? Ross Geller: Powder! Yeah! Yeah, I have powder! Joey Tribbiani: Good-good, okay, sprinkle some of that on your legs, it'll absorb some of the moisture and then you can get your pants back up. Ross Geller: Yeah, okay, hold on! They're not coming on man. Joey Tribbiani: Umm, do you see any-oh, Vaseline? Ross Geller: Ohh, I-I see lotion, I have lotion! Will that work? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, sure, spread some of that on there. Ross Geller: Hold on. Joey Tribbiani: Ross? You okay? Ross Geller: They're still, they're still not coming on man and the lotion and the powder have made a paste! Joey Tribbiani: Really?! Uhh, what color is it? Ross Geller: What difference does that make?! Joey Tribbiani: Well, I'm just-if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants and she won't know the difference! Rachel Green: Joey, do you have a minute? Ross Geller: Dude, what am I gonna... Joey Tribbiani: Uh, Rachel's here, so good luck man, let me know how it works out. Rachel Green: Oh, Joey, I have such a problem! Joey Tribbiani: Oh well, you're timing couldn't be better. I am putting out fires all over the place. Rachel Green: Okay. Okay. Okay. Joey, I have got to tell you something! Joey Tribbiani: What-what is it, what is it? Rachel Green: Oh my God, it's so huge, but you just have to promise me that you cannot tell anyone. Joey Tribbiani: Oh no, no-no-no-no! I don't want to know! Rachel Green: Yes! Yes! Yes, you do want to know! This is unbelievable! Joey Tribbiani: I don't care, Rach! Look, I am tired of being the guy who knows all the secrets but can't tell anyone! Rachel Green: What? What secrets? You know secrets? What are they? Joey Tribbiani: And you're not supposed to be gossiping!! Rachel Green: I know, I know! I just can't keep this one in, so I pick up the phone... Joey Tribbiani: I'm not listening to you! Elizabeth Hornswoggle: Ross, umm, you've been in there for a long time. I'm starting to get kinda freaked out. Ross Geller: All right, I'm coming out. Hey, can you turn the lights off. Elizabeth Hornswoggle: No, let's just leave the lights on. Elizabeth Hornswoggle: Oh my God! Ross Geller: I had a problem. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Pheebs? Phoebe Buffay: No, I can't talk to you! I don't have a fancy ad in the Yellow Pages! Joey Tribbiani: Look, Pheebs, I just, I wanna apologize for, for saying that your method was stupid and-and maybe ask you to be my teacher again. And-and I promise, I won't touch a guitar until you say I'm ready. You really think I'm ready? Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh! Joey Tribbiani: Wow! Cool! Joey Tribbiani: Was the chord at least right... Phoebe Buffay: No! Chandler Bing: Oh my God! Monica Geller: We heard about your pants, I'm so sorry. Ross Geller: This year was supposed to be great! But, it's only the second day and I'm a loser with stupid leather pants that don't even fit! Everyone: No. No, you're not a loser. Ross Geller: Look at me! Monica Geller: Hey, hey, look. Look Ross, Ben drew a picture of you! Huh? You're-you're a cowboy! Ross Geller: Oh, be-because of the leather pants. Monica Geller: See? Ben doesn't think you're a loser, he thinks you're a cowboy! Now that's something. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Rachel Green: That really is something; that's really cool. Joey Tribbiani: Howdy partner! Ross Geller: Maybe I should get another pair! Ooh, y'know, they-they had some with fringe all down the sides. I'm gonna go kiss Ben goodnight. I can't believe he thinks I'm a cowboy. I would make a good cowboy. Monica Geller: Okay, now that everything's wrapped up here, I think I'm, I'm gonna go do my laundry. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, me too. Y'know if this shirt is dirty. Yep. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I'm gonna go too. I'm gonna go to the airport. I figure if I hang around there long enough, someone's bound to leave one of those planes unattended. Rachel Green: Good luck, honey! Phoebe Buffay: Bye! Rachel Green: Hey, uh, Joey? Joey Tribbiani: Umm? Rachel Green: Remember that big thing I was gonna tell you about? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, no! Rachel Green: I'm not gonna tell you, but if you found out on your own, that would be okay and then we could talk about it. Right? Joey Tribbiani: Well, then it wouldn't be a secret. So yeah, that would be okay. Yeah. Yeah! Rachel Green: Yeah. Well. Hey uh Joe, would mind going over to Chandler's bedroom and get that book back that he borrowed from me? Joey Tribbiani: Now? You want me to go over there now? Rachel Green: Yeah! Joey Tribbiani: Do you know something? Rachel Green: Do you know something? Joey Tribbiani: I might know something. Rachel Green: I might know something too. Joey Tribbiani: What's the thing you know? Rachel Green: Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know. Joey Tribbiani: I can't tell you what I know. Rachel Green: Well then I can't tell you what I know. Joey Tribbiani: Okay, fine. Joey Tribbiani: You don't know! Rachel Green: All right, how about I go over there and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see that thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know! Joey Tribbiani: YOU KNOW!!!! Rachel Green: AND YOU KNOW!!! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I know!!!! Rachel Green: Chandler and Monica?!! Oh, this is unbelievable!! How long have you known? Joey Tribbiani: Too long! Oh my God, Rach, I've been dying to talk to someone about this for so long! Listen, listen, we can't say anything about this to anybody, they're so weird about that! Listen... Phoebe Buffay: Hey! It's raining. I don't want to fly in the rain. So... Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I am going to go for a walk in the rain. Rachel Green: Ohhh, yeah, me too. Phoebe Buffay: That's weird. I bet they're doing it. Chandler Bing: Oh good, okay, I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. So you win, okay? Here! Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today, Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What are you dating a character from Fraggile Rock?!
Rachel Green: Come on Joey!!! Joey Tribbiani: Rach, I told you everything I knew last night! Look, it's not that big of a deal, so Monica and Chandler are doing it. Rachel Green: I can't believe you would say that! Joey Tribbiani: Sorry. Monica and Chandler are making love. Rachel Green: No! I mean come on! This is a huge deal! Fine I want-I need more details, who-who initiated the first kiss? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. Rachel Green: Is he romantic with her? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. Rachel Green: Are they in love? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. Rachel Green: You don't know anything. Joey Tribbiani: Ohh, I know one thing! Rachel Green: What? Joey Tribbiani: They did it right there on the couch. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Ross! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey-yeah. Hey Gunther, can I have a scone please? Wanna hear some good news? Someone I know is getting married! Yeah! And weddings are happy occasions! Oh, by-the-by it's my ex-wife Emily! Everyone: What? Oh! Chandler Bing: Sorry man. Gunther: Here's your scone. Ross Geller: Oh, thanks Gunther. STUPID BRITISH SNACK FOOD!!!!!!! Chandler Bing: Did they teach you that in your anger management class? Phoebe Buffay: Hey, you know what might help you deal with it? Think of it this way, you and Emily are in the past and you can't be mad about the past. So are you still mad about the Louisiana Purchase? Rachel Green: Pheebs, I don't think anyone's mad about that. Phoebe Buffay: Exactly! Because it's in the past! Joey Tribbiani: Anybody gonna eat that? Monica Geller: Look at us all dressed up for the big office party! By the way, what are we celebrating? Chandler Bing: Oh, we had a lot of liquor left over from the Christmas party. Monica Geller: I think this is so cool because none of our friends are here and we can be a real couple. We don't have to hide. Chandler Bing: I know, I can do this. Monica Geller: Ooh, and I can do this. Both: We can't do that. Doug: Hey Bing! Wo-ho-ho, who's the pretty lady and what the hell is she doing with you? Chandler Bing: I asked myself that very question, sir. Uh, this is Monica. This is my boss, Doug. Doug this is Monica. Monica Geller: Hi, nice to meet you! Doug: Hi! And this is my wife Kara. Kara: Nice to meet you Monica. Bing! Doug: Say uh, Bing, did you hear about the new law firm we got working for us? Chandler Bing: No, sir. Doug: Yeah, Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe. Doug: Come on honey, let's go drink our body weight. Monica Geller: What was that? Chandler Bing: What? Monica Geller: That noise you just made? Chandler Bing: Oh, that was my work laugh. Monica Geller: Really? Your work laugh? Chandler Bing: Oh, believe me, to survive this party, you're gonna have to come up with one too. Monica Geller: All right, check me out. Chandler Bing: Okay. Doug: ...says $30 Father; same as in town. Chandler Bing: Hey! Everybody at work loved you last night! Monica Geller: Really? Chandler Bing: And! They like me more just because I was with ya! I think you repaired a lot of the damage from when they met Joey. And Doug wants us to play tennis with them. He's never even talked to me outside of work. Except for that time when we bumped into each other at that strip club. Strip church. Anyway, I'm gonna go try and find a racquet. Monica Geller: Hey, I thought you already had one. Chandler Bing: Oh I used too, but then Joey thought it would be fun to go to Central Park and hit rocks at...bigger rocks. Hey Rach, do you have a tennis racquet? Rachel Green: Oh umm, y'know I lent it to Joey and I never actually got it back. Chandler Bing: Okay, good luck with that. Rachel Green: Hey! Monica Geller: Hi! Rachel Green: What's up?! Monica Geller: What are you doing here? I thought you had to do inventory all day. Rachel Green: Well yeah, I do, but I decided to take a long lunch and spend some time with my friend Monica. Y'know I-I feel that we don't talk anymore. How are you? What is new with you? Monica Geller: Uhh, not much. Uh, work's good. Rachel Green: Oh y'know what, we don't have to talk about work. We can talk about anything! Monica Geller: Okay. Umm... Rachel Green: Hey! Y'know what? Let's talk about relationships! Monica Geller: Okay, what's going on with you? Rachel Green: Nothing! You go! Monica Geller: Well, I-I-there was this guy at the bank that I thought was cute umm, but I don't anymore. Rachel Green: Wow that's uh, juicy. Umm, y'know what though Mon, I actually do have a lot of work to do so if-if-are you sure there's just not anything else? Monica Geller: Yes, I'm sure! Rachel is there something that you want to talk me about? Rachel Green: No! If there was I wouldn't tell you. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, then what happened? Phoebe Buffay: Ohh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You'll get your turn! Ross Geller: Hey Pheebs, what's going on? Phoebe Buffay: Nothing! This is not over! Ross Geller: No! No! No! Phoebe Buffay: What?! Ross Geller: I was up all night writing this really nasty letter to Emily! It was perfect and now it's all covered in-in... Actually, thanks! Joey Tribbiani: All right! Everybody ready to go to the movies? Ross Geller: Uh actually, I think I'm gonna skip it. Joey Tribbiani: Really? Ross Geller: Yeah, I'm gonna stay and read my book. I just wanna be alone right now. Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Are you sure you don't want to come? Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, they get mail and stuff. Ross Geller: That's okay, Joe. Joey Tribbiani: All right, let's go Pheebs. Ross Geller: Oh God! Doug: Bing! Kara: Oww!! Monica Geller: Game! Doug: Well, I gotta tell ya Bing; that partner of yours is a real tiger. Are you all right sweethart? Kara: I'm not all right. Doug: We're, we're just gonna get a little sip of water. Monica Geller: Am I on fire today or what?! Those birds are browned, basted, and ready to be carved! Chandler Bing: Okay, easy Martina. I think we should let them win the next game. Monica Geller: I'm sorry, I don't understand what you just said. Chandler Bing: Let them win one. Monica Geller: Are you crazy?! We own those two! I mean look at 'um, he can't breath and she's popping pills. Chandler Bing: You're not even giving them a chance! Monica Geller: They have racquets don't they?! Doug: Uh Bing, I think we're gonna make this the last game. Chandler Bing: Oh yes, sir! Put me out of my misery. Are you sure you never played pro? Please let them win! Monica Geller: I'll take it down to 95% but that's the best I can do. Chandler Bing: Oopsey, missed it! Monica Geller: I got it! Doug: Nice shot. Monica Geller: I got it!! Chandler Bing: Long! Monica Geller: I can't believe you let them win! Chandler Bing: Yeah, at least you hid your feelings well about it. Monica Geller: I was frustrated. Chandler Bing: It was my racquet. Monica Geller: I was frustrated with you! Chandler Bing: If we hadn't lost the game they never would've invented us to dinner tomorrow night. Monica Geller: Y'know what really bothers me? Is-it's how-how different you act around them! I mean y'know the throwing the tennis games, the fake laugh, the "I'll see you around, Bing!" "Not if I see you first, Doug!" I gotta tell you, I don't like Work Chandler. Okay? The guy's a suck-up. Chandler Bing: Okay y'know what, because you said that, I'm not putting out tonight. Monica Geller: I'm telling you, something's wrong! My brother does not stay out all night. Joey Tribbiani: Maybe we should check the trash chute. Rachel Green: Ross couldn't fit down the trash chute. Joey Tribbiani: That's right, he almost could. Which is exactly how I got stuck there. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Rachel Green: There he is! Monica Geller: Oh my God! Where the hell have you been?!! Ross Geller: Just, y'know out. Rachel Green: Ohh, out, oh God, I don't know why we didn't think to check there! Phoebe Buffay: What were you doing? Ross Geller: I uh, went to a bar. And then I just uh, just walked around for a while. Rachel Green: You walked around all night in the city by yourself? Joey Tribbiani: He hooked up! He hooked up with someone. Ross Geller: Look, I don't have to answer your questions! Okay? I'm a big boy, I can do whatever I want! Joey Tribbiani: He hooked up!! Tell us about her! Janice Litman Goralnik: Ross you left you scarf in... Hey you guys. Janice Litman Goralnik: Uh-oh-okay. Uh-oh-okay. I know what you all are thinking. But Chandler is in Yemen! I'm a young woman! I have needs! I can't wait forever! Rachel Green: Yeah! No that's what I was thinking. Janice Litman Goralnik: So I'm asking you please, take a moment before you judge me. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, nobody's judging you. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh! Okay! You, Mister Right Place at the Right Time, call me! Ross Geller: Okay, look, I-I know what you guys are going to say... Phoebe Buffay: You two will have very hairy children. Ross Geller: Okay, I didn't know you would say that. Rachel Green: Ross! Janice?! Joey Tribbiani: All right, hold on! Hold on. Hold on. This is Ross, okay? He's our friend. He obviously went crazy. He obviously lost his mind. Ross Geller: Look, I didn't lose my mind! Okay, Janice and I have a lot in common! We've-we've both been divorced. We-we both have kids. Phoebe Buffay: So are you actually gonna see her again? Joey Tribbiani: Phoebe! Don't put ideas in his head! Ross Geller: I am gonna see her again. Joey Tribbiani: Damnit Phoebe!! Rachel Green: Okay, I have to tell you something that I have never admitted during our entire friendship! But, when we were in high school I made out with James Farrell even when I knew that you liked him! Wow, that feels so good to get off my chest! Okay, you go! Monica Geller: My turn? What-what are you talking about? Rachel Green: Ugh, Monica, I know about you and Chandler. Monica Geller: What?! Rachel Green: I overheard you guys on the phone the other day, and you said, "I'll just tell Rachel that I'm doing laundry for a couple of hours." And he said, "Laundry? Is that my new nickname?" And you said, "No! You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big." Monica Geller: Well. Sounds like you're writing yourself a little play there Rach. Wow! Let me know how that one turns out. Rachel Green: Well, I wouldn't know because I got so freaked out that I hung up the phone. Monica Geller: Well, if you had kept listening, you-you would have heard me call him Mr. Big...ot. Rachel Green: What?! Monica Geller: Mr. Bigot. He tells the most racist jokes. Rachel Green: All right. So you're telling me that there is nothing going on between you and Chandler. Monica Geller: Me and Chandler?! Joey Tribbiani: All right, put your 20 bucks down. First one to find the tasty treat wins. Okay? Phoebe Buffay: Uh-hmm. Joey Tribbiani: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. And they're off! Phoebe Buffay: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge! Joey Tribbiani: Judge rules, no violation. Phoebe Buffay: Ohhh. Ross Geller: Hey guys! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Ross Geller: Y'know what? It sounds so weird to say this but, I just had a great day with Janice! Joey Tribbiani: What?! Phoebe Buffay: Are you serious?! Ross Geller: Yeah! I opened up to her about all the terrible stuff that's been happening to me. I mean I talked for hours. It is amazing to have someone give you such-such focused attention. Phoebe Buffay: You don't need Janice for that, you've got us. We... Joey Tribbiani: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter! Phoebe Buffay: No!! Hey-hey that's not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an old Wonton! Joey Tribbiani: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter. Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, tough call. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Doug: But seriously, I believe that we should all support President Clinton. And her husband Bill. Kara: So how do you kids like your coffee? Monica Geller: Oh, none for me. Thanks. Chandler Bing: Just a little bit of sugar. Doug: Well, maybe I'll bring it out and have Monica stick her finger in it. That oughta sweeten it up, huh? Monica Geller: How does that laugh not give you a headache? Chandler Bing: Oh, you get used to it. Monica Geller: Y'know, I-I-I don't think that I can. So if you don't mind, maybe this will be it for me on the work things. Chandler Bing: So I laugh at my boss's jokes, what's the big deal? Monica Geller: I'd rather hang out with a sniveling work weasel guy when I can be hanging out with my boyfriend who I actually respect. Chandler Bing: Oh. Doug: Uh, I gotta apologize for Kara's coffee. Y'know, I feel sorry for it if it ever got in a fight, it's not strong enough to defend itself. Did you hear what I said Bing? Chandler Bing: What? Doug: The joke Bing. What's the matter with you? Chandler Bing: Well, I-I just didn't think it was funny sir. Doug: Excuse me? Chandler Bing: Well, I just... Monica Geller: Honey, I just don't think that you understood the joke. Chandler Bing: Really? Monica Geller: Yeah! I mean it was really funny, I-I just don't think you got it. You see Kara's coffee is-is-is weak tasting, okay? But-but what Doug was-was imply that it was weak physically. You get it now honey? Chandler Bing: I think I do! Thank you, Monica. Monica Geller: I thought you could use the help. Chandler Bing: Coffee in a fight! Joey Tribbiani: Hey Rach! Hey, you mind if I read my comic books in here? Rachel Green: Sure! Why? Joey Tribbiani: Oh well, Chandler and Monica are over there and it's kinda hard to concentrate. Rachel Green: What?! She just called and said that she was gonna be working late! She keeps lying to me! That's it! Y'know what? I'm just gonna go over there and confront them right now! Chandler Bing: All right, so you're telling me that I have to tell racist jokes now?! Monica Geller: Sorry! I'm just-I'm not very good at this! I'm a terrible liar and I hate having to lie to Rachel! Chandler Bing: But we're not ready to tell yet! Monica Geller: I know! It's just that...ever since high school Rachel was the one person I told everything too. Y'know? I miss that so much now. She's my best friend. Monica Geller: Joey?! Oh my God, Rachel! Rachel Green: Hey! Hi! Monica Geller: Wh-wh-what are you doing here? Rachel Green: Well, I was actually-I-I came over here to-to borrow this lamp. To umm, look at my books, y'know, see them a little better. Monica Geller: Okay great! Rachel Green: Yeah! Monica Geller: Great! Umm, well what-what I was doing in Chandler's room is that umm, I was cleaning it! In fact, he pays me to clean it! Rachel Green: Oh! What a great way to earn some extra pocket money. Monica Geller: Y'know when I said to you earlier that I was at work umm, I'm at my new work. Rachel Green: That's good enough. Right? Okay, well umm, I'm gonna go look at my books! Monica Geller: Okay. Rachel Green: Okay. Monica Geller: I'll get back to my new job. Rachel Green: 'Kay. Congratulations on your new job. Chandler Bing: Man, she is really gullible. Gunther: Here you go. Ross Geller: Thanks! Janice Litman Goralnik: Actually, I should get going. Ross Geller: Are you sure? Because I can stay out as late as you want. I told you how I'm on sabbatical from work, right? Janice Litman Goralnik: Yes! Yes! You did! Ross Geller: Oh... Janice Litman Goralnik: What is wrong now?! Ross Geller: This isn't what I ordered! Man! Can anything go right in my life?! First my marriage falls apart and then... Janice Litman Goralnik: I know! I know! And then you lose your apartment! And then you lose your job! And then your ex-wife gets married so fast! And now the coffee-ahh!! Ross, we need to talk. Ross Geller: Okay. Sometimes I feel... Janice Litman Goralnik: No-no-no, no. I'm going to talk. I believe that the sun has set on our day in the sun. Ross Geller: Huh? Janice Litman Goralnik: You're a very sweet person Ross, umm, unfortunately I don't think I can take another second of you whining!! Ross Geller: Let-let me make sure I'm hearing this right, you're ending this with me because I'm too whiney? So you're saying, I've become so whiney that I annoy you, Janice. Janice Litman Goralnik: Well yeah!! Ross Geller: OH...MY...GOD!! Janice Litman Goralnik: Are you gonna be okay? Ross Geller: I am now. Janice Litman Goralnik: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: Umm, hi. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh hi! Well, I guess that's two out of three, Joey. Ross Geller: Dude, we got to talk. Chandler Bing: Okay. Ross Geller: I just wanted to tell you something before you heard it from someone else and I hope this isn't too weird, but uh, I had uh, a thing with Janice. What you're-you're not mad? Chandler Bing: Why would I be mad? Ross Geller: Well, because y'know there are certain rules about this kind of stuff. You don't uh, you don't fool around with your uh, friend's ex-girlfriends or possible girlfriends or girls they're related to. Chandler Bing: I am mad! But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna forgive you! Because that's what friends do! They forgive their friends when they do everything you just said, all on the list there. Well, but I want you to remember that I forgave you. Ross Geller: Okay. Chandler Bing: I also want you to remember that I let you live here rent free! Ross Geller: All right. Chandler Bing: And, I want you to remember that I gave you twenty seven dollars. No strings attached. Now, if you can't remember that, I think we should write it down-let's write it down!