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Peanut Jar Mixers Development 7

Chandler Bing: Did you see our bank statement? Can this be right? Monica Geller: I know...God. I haven't seen my savings take a hit like this since I was a kid and they came up with double-stuffed Oreos. What happened to all our money? Chandler Bing: I'm not sure what they did, but I'm inclined to blame Enron. Monica Geller: I guess with you doing the internship, we're just spending more than we're bringing in. Chandler Bing: Maybe I should quit and get a job that pays. Monica Geller: Oh, But you're finally doing something that you love! I can't ask you to give that up. Though it'd be nice if the thing that you love was y'know... finding gold. Chandler Bing: You know what? You know what? I think we're making too big a deal out of this. ok? So we pay our bills a little late this month and maybe next month we cut back on a few things. And maybe we start eating out of Joey's refrigerator for a change. You're chef... what can you make out of backing soda and beer? Monica Geller: Ok worse case scenario is...we borrow some money from my parents. Chandler Bing: No! We're not borrowing money. Monica Geller: Why not? Chandler Bing: Because we don't do that. We are Bings! And if there's one thing my father taught me was... well to always knock before going into the pool house... but the other thing was never borrow money. Monica Geller: Wow! I Had no idea you had this much pride. Chandler Bing: That's right! I do! And I'm your man. And I'm going to get us through this situation even if it means you working twice as hard. Mike Hannigan: I'm gonna go. Phoebe Buffay: Why?? Mike Hannigan: I haven't been home in a couple of days and I need to get some more clothes. Phoebe Buffay: Oh...you don't have to go, I have something that will fit you. Mike Hannigan: I put that tube top on as a joke. Phoebe Buffay: I want you to stay. Mike Hannigan: I want to stay too but I've gone as bad as much use out of these boxers as I can.. Phoebe Buffay: Why don't you turn them inside ou... Mike Hannigan: Done it. I'll be back in a couple of hours. Phoebe Buffay: I'll miss you. Mike Hannigan: Me too. You know what? I just realised something. I don't wanna go home. Phoebe Buffay: Great! Ok...I'll go get the tube top. Mike Hannigan: No, no! What I mean is, I hate going back to my apartment now... and partly because I live above a known crack den but... mostly because when I'm there, It's just, I really miss you. So.. do you want to move in together? Phoebe Buffay: Wow, Mike Hannigan...You sure know how to make a girl say "Hell yeah!" Mike Hannigan: So we're doing it? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Let's do it! Let's live together! Oh god, we're really going to move in together! Mike Hannigan: Yeah! Phoebe Buffay: I've always wanted to live with a guy. "Pick up your socks!" "Put down the toilet seat!" "No! We're not having sex anymore!" It's gonna be fun! Monica Geller: Hey Joey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Monica Geller: Listen...I need to know that what I'm about to ask you, will never get back to Chandler. Joey Tribbiani: I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it myself. Chandler is my best friend, it would be wrong. Good...But wrong. Monica Geller: Ok first of all...It would be great. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about. I need to borrow some money. Joey Tribbiani: Aww, I don't know Monica y'know... erm... lending friends money is always a mistake. Monica Geller: But Chandler lent you money! Joey Tribbiani: And I think he would tell you it was a mistake. Monica Geller: Come on...I just need it for some rent and..and some other bills. Joey Tribbiani: Oh...how much? Monica Geller: Two thousand dollars? Joey Tribbiani: Two thousand dollars!? What do you think I am? I soap opera star!? Monica Geller: Yeah... Joey Tribbiani: That's right I am! Rachel Green: Hi you guys! Joey Tribbiani: Oo...what's in the bag? Rachel Green: Oh er... well you know Emma started crawling? I realised that this place, is very unsafe for a baby. So I went to the store and got some stuff to baby-proof the apartment. Joey Tribbiani: Oh...baby-proofing... Why is this such a big deal now? Y'know, when I was a kid it was like.. "Whoops! Joey fell down the stairs!" or er.. "Whoops! Joey electrocuted himself again!" Huh! Monica Geller: Anyway erm, are you going to get a handyman to install this stuff? Rachel Green: No. I was just going to do this myself. Joey Tribbiani: You're gonna do it? Rachel Green: Yeah, Why? You don't think a woman can do this? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, women can. You can't. Rachel Green: Monica...would you please tell Joey that he is a pig? Monica Geller: You're a pig. And you can't do this. Rachel Green: Wha!? What!? Come on! I found the hardware store all by myself! Joey Tribbiani: The hardware store is right down the street. Rachel Green: There is a hardware store right down the street? Phoebe Buffay: Hey you guys! Ok, we've got great news. Mike Hannigan: Phoebe and I are moving in together. Phoebe Buffay: I know it's so exciting! You know I've never lived with a guy before. Monica Geller: Well you know it's just like living with a girl. Only they don't steal your makeup. Unless they're playing "This is what my sister would look like" Chandler Bing: Yeah... she's not so cute. Mike Hannigan: I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, well you put down the toilet seat. Mike Hannigan: Yes dear. Monica Geller: Is that a bit you guys do? Phoebe Buffay: Uh huh...we're playing you two. Monica Geller: We don't do that! Tell her we don't do that! Chandler Bing: Yes dear. Ross Geller: I can't believe you guys are moving in together. That's, that's great! I mean...I'm happy for you guys.. Monica Geller: I hear wedding bells. Phoebe Buffay: Monica slow down! Ok? I'm just excited to be living with him. You know I mean, I don't know, Can I see someday being married to Mike? Sure! Yeah. Y'know..I can picture myself walking down the aisle in a wedding dress that highlights my breasts in an obvious yet classy way. But do I want that house in Connecticut...you know..near the good schools where Mike and I can send Sophie and Mike Junior.. Oh my god I do. Ross Geller: Phoebe, I had no idea you were so conventional. Phoebe Buffay: I know! I guess I am! Oh my god! Load up the Volvo I want to be a soccer mom! Mike Hannigan: You ready to go? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! You bet roomy! Monica Geller: Don't you mean..groomy? Mike Hannigan: What are you talking about? Phoebe Buffay: Oh please, these guys, we haven't even moved in yet and they have us picking out china patterns. Phoebe Buffay: China patterns!!!!! Rachel Green: This is easy...Can't do this! Oh! Wow! Seriously I can't do this. Chandler Bing: Hey Joe! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Listen er..I need to ask you a favor but you can't tell Monica anything about it. Joey Tribbiani: I thought you didn't have secrets from Monica. Chandler Bing: And that would have made the official party line. Monica and I are having a little financial trouble. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I know. Chandler Bing: What? What do you mean you know? Joey Tribbiani: Err... I just figured it out! You know, I mean you're not working and the economy is bad. Chandler Bing: Oh! Right. Joey Tribbiani: That's the fastest I have ever thought! Chandler Bing: Anyway, err... I need to borrow some money. Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Sure! How much? Two thousand dollars? Chandler Bing: Yes! Two thousand dollars exactly! How do you know that! Joey Tribbiani: Err...Well I...Know how much you used to make and I know how much your rent is. Chandler Bing: Oh ok. Joey Tribbiani: I am on fire! Chandler : Listen...this is really nice. Do you... Did you write a cheque to Monica for two thousand dollars? Did Monica borrow money from you? Joey Tribbiani: Err... Kind of. Chandler Bing: I can't believe her! Did she tell you we were having money problems? Joey Tribbiani: Oh no no no no no... It wasn't... It wasn't because of your money problems, it was for something for her. Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: Something personal. Chandler Bing: What would she get for herself for two thousand dollars that she wouldn't tell me about? Woman: Excuse me. Joey Tribbiani: Boob job. Monica Geller: I don't want her to get a boob job! That's crazy! Joey Tribbiani: Well it's...It's not that crazy okay? Making them smaller, that would be crazy. Mike Hannigan: Well hey, I wanna ask you about Monica's little "groomy" joke. Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Alright. Well I think the reason people laugh is becuase it's a play on the word roomy. Mike Hannigan: I get the joke. Sophisticated as it was. Now the thing I wanna say is... maybe we should have talked about this before. Us living together, you're not expecting a proposal, right? Phoebe Buffay: Oh no! No no! Not at all. We're just moving in right now. See where it goes. Mike Hannigan: Yeah well, that's the thing. For me it's as far as it can ever go. Phoebe Buffay: What do you mean? Mike Hannigan: Look. Phoebe, I-I love you. Very much. But I never want to get married again. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Wow. Mike Hannigan: It's just my first marriage was, you know such a disaster. I kind of lost faith in the whole idea. Phoebe Buffay: Was it really that bad? Mike Hannigan: At one point near the end she deliberately defecated... Phoebe Buffay: Ok, well that's bad. But don't you think it might be different with someone else? Perhaps a blonde who always uses a toilet. Except for once in the ocean. Mike Hannigan: Look it's not about who I would marry. And I was certain the first time I got married it would last forever. And I was totally wrong! Phoebe Buffay: But it's just... Mike Hannigan: Look Phoebe, It's not about you. I just never wanna get married again. Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Mike Hannigan: I'm sorry. Are you ok with that? Cause if not...maybe us moving in together isn't the best idea. Phoebe Buffay: No! I definitely don't wanna get married. No I just wanted to make sure you didn't want to too. Whew! Coz you know when we move in and you start changing your mind there's gonna be hell to pay mister! Mike Hannigan: Trust me, I will never... Phoebe Buffay: Yeah I get that. Rachel Green: Hi! Monica Geller: So you gave in and decided to call someone? Rachel Green: Yeah, I don't know who I was kidding. I can barely use chopsticks. Handyman: You're all set. Rachel Green: Oh thank you so much. Oh oh wait! You forgot your erm...Your game. Handyman: Thanks... Chandler Bing: Hey Rach! There she is...My perfectly proportioned wife. Rachel Green: Don't look at me I never get his jokes. Monica Geller: Thank you? Chandler Bing: Oh no..don't thank me. Thank you. You know there's not one thing I would change about you? Not one single thing! And definitely not... two... single things. Monica Geller: Ok, you're being wierd. Do you want sex or did you do something bad? Chandler Bing: No no! I just love the way you look, I am warm, for your form. Monica Geller: Ok..You know the old classics you know,You look nice? They're still ok. Chandler Bing: Well yes yes... You look nice can mean that your face looks nice. I want to compliment your body. I mean..I wouldn't change it. At all. And more specifically, I wouldn't want anything to get any bigger. Monica Geller: Okay... Chandler Bing: I mean, You wouldn't want any part of me to get any bigger would you? Don't answer that. Rachel Green: Just when you thought that dude couldn't get any wierder. Monica Geller: I know why do you think he was so worried about me getting bigger? Rachel Green: I don't know! I mean, what brought that on? Monica Geller: Oh my god. We're trying to get pregnant so he's probably starting to freak out about the fact that my body is going to change. Rachel Green: No you really think that's what it is? Monica Geller: You heard him! "No bigger!" "You're perfect!" "Just don't get any bigger!" Oh my god he sounded just like my high school wrestling coach. You know what? I'm going to have to talk to Chandler. Rachel Green: Yeah! If you don't I will! Of course your body's gonna change. Your breasts are gonna get bigger, your ass is gonna get bigger, you're gonna lose bladder control. God! It's just such a magical time! Phoebe Buffay: Hi. Ross Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Listen, I wanted to ask you something about marriage. Ross Geller: Oh great now you're seeking me out to make jokes? I mean I can see for all hanging out but to come to my home! Phoebe Buffay: No...I really wanted to know how you feel about it. Ross Geller: Why? Phoebe Buffay: Mike doesn't ever wanna get married. Ross Geller: Never? Phoebe Buffay: Never. Ross Geller: wow, are you still going to move in with him? Phoebe Buffay: I want to, but I just want you to tell me that marriage isn't really that big a deal. You know that I won't, I won't be missing out on anything. That marriage stinks! Ross Geller: Yeah, marriage... stinks! I mean if you wanna see a man gain weight and a woman stop shaving? Get them married. Phoebe Buffay: That's not how you really feel is it? Ross Geller: No, I'm sorry. Look I don't think that's what you wanna hear right now but I can't help it. I love marriage. Phoebe Buffay: Seriously? You divorce-o? Ross Geller: If you have to call me name, I prefer "Ross the Divorcer". It's just cooler. Look, I know my marriage isn't exactly work out. But I love to be that committed to another person. And Carol had some good times before she became a lesbian... and once afterward. I'm sorry. Phoebe Buffay: It's ok that's how you feel. Ross Geller: But come on! I mean living together will be great! I mean you guys have so much fun and you love Mike. Phoebe Buffay: I do love Mike. Ross Geller: Yeah see? And you are so excited about moving in together before, and you know what? You should be. It's a big deal! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah I guess you're right. Yeah thanks. This helped. Thanks. Ross Geller: The Divorcer, to the rescue! Phoebe Buffay: It's not cooler. Ross Geller: Yeah I just hurt it. Joey Tribbiani: Rach?! Rachel!!!!? So I can't do anything I like???? Chandler Bing: Hey Rach! Ah... Perfection. Wouldn't change a thing. Not a thing. Monica Geller: Honey? Chandler Bing: Yeah? Monica Geller: About that? Erm...I'm going to change. Chandler Bing: But honey you don't have to. Monica Geller: I'm going to get bigger! Chandler Bing: Honey I... I love your breasts the way they are! Rachel Green: Argh. fascist. Monica Geller: Well, my breasts are going to get bigger weather you like it or not! And you know what? It's not just my breasts. My ass is going to get bigger too. Chandler Bing: your ass?!?!? Rachel Green: Man, don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger too! Chandler Bing: They...do that? Monica Geller: It's kind of a package deal! Chandler Bing: God why why would you want to do that to yourself!? Monica Geller: I thought I was something that we both wanted! Chandler Bing: Alright look, if it means that much to you, a may be able to get on more with the big boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet? Rachel Green: Oh my god Chandler! If you can't handle this, what are you going to be like in the hospital? With the blood and the screaming and the little present that's shooting out of her!? Chandler Bing: What? Rachel Green: Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job? Joey Tribbiani: Because she is! Monica Geller: Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money. Joey Tribbiani: Mmmm hmm! For your boob job! Joey Tribbiani: OK so I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger? Ross Geller: Hey! What do you guys think about this. "Ross: The Divorce-Force". Phoebe Buffay: Better. Mike Hannigan: Very cool. Ross Geller: Hey Pheebs, you know I'm i'm really glad you came to talk to me the other day and I hope I was a little helpful. Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah you were helpful! Yeah, no, thanks you. Ross Geller: Good, good. Yeah coz the more I thought about it, the more I realised I don't think marriage is neccessarily the right path for you. Phoebe Buffay: What do you mean? Ross Geller: Well, I know the other day in the coffeehouse you were caught up in the whole soccer mom thing? but is that really you? I mean can you honestly picture yourself in a Volvo? Phoebe Buffay: They are awfully boxy... Ross Geller: I don't know you'd be so bored with marriage. I mean it's so... normal. Phoebe Buffay: Uh huh. Ross Geller: Hey hey, can I help? Chandler Bing: Well! We er..climbed up four flights of stairs, manueveored a narrow hallway, dodged a rabid pitbul... but these last three feet are where it gets really tricky. Ross Geller: You know sometimes your words... they hurt. Joey Tribbiani: Hey uh, where do you guys want this? Rachel Green: Yeah, seriously coz this is really heavy. I mean not for me because i'm only pretending to hold this, but for these guys. Phoebe Buffay: Just one last time erm... the marriage thing... there's no wiggle room? None at all? Mike Hannigan: No but... You don't want to get married either right? Phoebe Buffay: Right. Except that I do want to get married. Joey Tribbiani: Couldn't have this conversation down at the truck huh? Mike Hannigan: You wanna get married? Phoebe Buffay: Someday. Chandler Bing: Aaaaand... hernia. Phoebe Buffay: I haven't exactly had a normal life and I never really felt I was missing out on anything but it just feels that now it's my turn some of the regular stuff. Mike Hannigan: But if you wanna get married why didn't you say something before? Phoebe Buffay: Because I just didn't know how much I wanted it. And I love you, and I wanted to live with you. Mike Hannigan: I want to live with you too! Let's do that! Phoebe Buffay: But I don't think I can! it was ok to move in when I didn't know what was gonna happen, but I can't move in knowing that nothing is ever gonna happen. Mike Hannigan: Can we at least try living together? I mean you might change your mind about marriage. Phoebe Buffay: Are you gonna change yours? Mike Hannigan: No. Phoebe Buffay: Me neither. I think I need to be with someone who wants what I want. Mike Hannigan: But I don't want this to end. Phoebe Buffay: I don't want it to end either. Mike Hannigan: I can't believe this is gonna end. I guess I'll have my stuff packed up. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Mike Hannigan: Ok... so... Goodbye. Rachel Green: I'm so sorry Pheebs. Monica Geller: We're all sorry... Chandler Bing: Ah, look on the bright side, I mean you won't have to live with this ugly chair! That was here already huh? I love you. Joey Tribbiani: AH HAH! I DID IT! HA HA! Alright... Better take all I can carry. Who knows when i'll be able to get in here again!

Chandler Bing: Hey! Ready to go? Ross Geller: Oh yeah, let me just finish this. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Ross, check this out! yeah, I can't do that! Chandler Bing: What are you doin'? Ross Geller: Have you seen this? It's a new alumni website for college! It's cool! You can post messages for people, let everyone know what you're up to. Chandler Bing: Great, a faster way to tell people that I'm unemployed and childless . Ross Geller: It's actually kinda interesting to find out what people are doing... remember Andrea Rich? Chandler Bing: The tall girl who wouldn't sleep with you? Ross Geller: Uh uh... well, her Internet Company went under and she lost an ear in a boating accident... Chandler Bing: Bet she'd sleep with you now... Ross Geller: No... I already e-mailed her. Chandler Bing: Let me see what you wrote about yourself: "Doctor Paleontology, two kids... " You split with Carol because you have different interests?... I think you split with Carol because you've one very similar interest! Ross Geller: You know what? I'm gonna finish this later, ok? Let me just grab my coat. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Ross Geller: What do you think you learnt how to do in the last two minutes?? Chandler Bing: Maybe we finish this for him! "Also I cloned a dinosaur in my lab. She's now my girlfriend. I don't care what society says. It's the best sex I've ever had"... aaand SEND! Joey Tribbiani: No, no, no... what do... you can't do that to him! Ross Geller: Alright, let's go! Joey Tribbiani: Dude! Ross Geller: I think you made it clear you cannot be trusted with the ball inside the house! Joey Tribbiani: aaand SEND! Opening credits. Rachel Green: Hey! How was basketball? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, it was a lot of fun right up until Chandler got a finger in the eye! Rachel Green: Oh, no! Who did that? Joey Tribbiani: Chandler... hey... Rach... what's Hugsy doin' in the crib with Emma? Rachel Green: She was just crawling around and she found him, so I just let her sleep with him. That's all right? Isn't it? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah... of course... yeah... it's a stuffed animal... you know... it's for kids... not for adults... I know that! Rachel Green: Joey... are you sure? I mean, I know how much you love him! Joey Tribbiani: Rachel... let's be clear on this, ok? I do not love Hugsy. I like him a normal amount... Rachel Green: All right... Oh, Emma loves him! Joey Tribbiani: Why wouldn't she? He's a wonderful person! Phoebe Buffay: Hi. Monica Geller: Hey Phoebe... how you doin'? You feelin' better? Phoebe Buffay: Breaking up sucks! Oh, I really miss Mike! Chandler Bing: Oh, I'm so sorry! Phoebe Buffay: Oh God, I tried everything to make myself feel better. I even tried writing a song about it... but... I can't think of anything that rhymes with AARRGGHH!! Hey Monica, I really need your help getting through this... Chandler Bing: You're not gonna need my help? Phoebe Buffay: Well no, when I get to the point where... you know... I'm ready to hear cruel mocking jokes about Mike... I'm gonna come to you. Chandler Bing: Oh good, 'cause I've already thought of 3... 4! I've just thought of a fourth. Phoebe Buffay: Ok. I mean I know I did the right thing. You know, Mike never wants to get married and I shouldn't be in a relationship that has no future... but... pretty soon I'm gonna miss him so much. I'm gonna wanna see him again and you have to stop me from doing that. Monica Geller: Ok, you got it! Phoebe Buffay: Unless... Maybe it's too crazy about this... Alright so... you know, there is no future... but that doesn't mean we still can't have fun. You know what? Forget what I said. Monica Geller: Really? If that's what you want... Phoebe Buffay: That was a test and you just failed. Monica Geller: Damn it! Rookie mistake! Ross Geller: I have sex with dinosaurs?? Chandler Bing: I believe I read that somewhere! Ross Geller: That only is not funny, it's physically impossible! Ok? Depending on the species I'd have to have a six foot long... It's not funny!! Chandler Bing: I respectfully disagree. Ross Geller: I can't believe you put that on my alumni page! Chandler Bing: Who cares? Nobody reads those things. Ross Geller: You'd better hope not because I just read what you put on your page today. Chandler Bing: I don't have a page. Ross Geller: Oh oh oh! I RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE!! Joey Tribbiani: Look at you, all sweet and innocent, sleeping like an angel... with Emma's chubby little hands wrapped around ya. It's okay, Emma, you stay asleep. Rachel Green: : Step away from the crib, I have a weapon! Joey Tribbiani: It's okay, it's okay Rach, it's me. Put down the scrunchy. Rachel Green: What are you doing? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I heard Emma stirring, so I came to make sure she could reach Hugsy. Rachel Green: Oh, oh thanks. Alright well, now that I'm up I'm going to go to the bathroom. Joey Tribbiani: There you go sweetie... This isn't over. Monica Geller: Alright, wait a second, why would Ross tell everyone in your class that you are as... "gay as the day is long"? Chandler Bing: Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs. Monica Geller: But that's clearly a joke. This could easily be true. Chandler Bing: Would you get that please? People have been calling to congratulate me all day. Monica Geller: Hello? No, he's not here. Yeah, this is his wife. Yeah, well, it came as quite a shock to me too. I guess I should have known. Yeah, I mean, he just kept making me watch Moulin Rouge. Chandler Bing: Hang up, hang up. And that was a great movie! I'm so gonna get back at Ross... oh yeah, this will show him, here we go . Monica Geller: What are you doing? Chandler Bing: Oh, you'll see my friend. Ross Geller: I'm dead? Chandler Bing: And so young. Ross Geller: Posting that I died? That really isn't funny. Chandler Bing: Well, how you died was funny. Ross Geller: Oh please, hit by a blimp? Chandler Bing: It kills over one americans every year. Ross Geller: Unbelievable, my classmates are gonna think I'm dead, my professors, my... my parents are gonna get phone calls. You're messing with people's feelings here. Chandler Bing: You wanna talk about people's feelings? You should have heard how hurt professor Stern was yesterday when I told him I wouldn't be able to go with him to Key West! Ross Geller: You've really crossed the line here, but that's okay, it's ok 'cause I'm on my way to buy some Photoshop software and a stack of gay porn. That's right! Your coming out is about to get real graphic. Phoebe Buffay: God, I wish Mike were here. Monica Geller: Okay if Mike were here what would the two of you be doing? Monica Geller: What are you, animals? It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon! Phoebe Buffay: I gotta call him. Just to talk to him, there's no harm in that. Monica Geller: Phoebe, that's how it starts. I don't need to eat the cake, I'll just smell the icing... why don't I just eat a little sliver, or, okay, just a slice or two. And next thing you know, you're 210 pounds and you get wedged in going down the tunnel slide. Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard. Look, if you talk to him, you're going to wanna see him. And if you see him, you're going to want to get back together with him. I know that's not what you want. Give me your phone. Phoebe Buffay: Here. Monica Geller: And now your cell. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Monica Geller: This is your cellphone? Phoebe Buffay: Yes. Monica Geller: This is your current cellphone? Phoebe Buffay: Yes, it reminds me of a simpler time. Monica Geller: Phoebe, where's your purse? Monica Geller: No, no! Give it to me! Phoebe Buffay: You can't have it. Monica Geller: Give it to me! Phoebe Buffay: No. Monica Geller: I'll go in there. Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah. Monica Geller: Phoebe come here. Monica Geller: Haha! Phoebe Buffay: Damn you Monica Geller hyphen Bing! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, look who's here! It's Joey, and he brought home a friend. Rachel Green: Joey, Emma's right here! You promised not to bring girls home in the middle of the day anymore. Joey Tribbiani: No, no, it's not a girl, it's... a brand new Hugsy! Rachel Green: Oh that's so great, now Emma has two Hugsy's. Joey Tribbiani: No, no, Emma has one Hugsy, the new Hugsy, huh? The other Hugsy, I don't know, I guess I'll just take it back. Rachel Green: Oh you know what? When I was a little girl I had a little pink pony named Cotton. Oh I loved her so much, I took her everywhere, I would braid her tail... Joey Tribbiani: Make the transfer! Rachel Green: Should I be concerned that a button fell off the old Hugsy and I can't find it? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, no don't worry about that, I swallowed that years ago. Rachel Green: Oh, I don't think she likes the new Hugsy. Joey Tribbiani: But he's the same. Rachel Green: Yeah, I think she wants the old one back. Joey Tribbiani: But he's the same. Rachel Green: Joey, come on! Joey Tribbiani: He's the same! . Joey Tribbiani: You're not the same! Monica Geller: Haha! Phoebe Buffay: You know, it's a lot less surprising to do that after I've buzzed you into the building. Monica Geller: So Phoebe, why are there men's shoes by the door. Phoebe Buffay: Those are my shoes. Monica Geller: Oh, when you get over this breakup we need to go shopping. Phoebe Buffay: Monica, I really appreciate you checking in on me, but I'm actually feeling a lot better. Yeah, I just kinda want to be alone right now. Monica Geller: Who's that? Phoebe Buffay: I ordered Chinese food. Phoebe Buffay: What are the chances? 1 billion Chinese people and they send Mike!? Monica Geller: What are you doing here? Mike Hannigan: Phoebe called me. Monica Geller: Phoebe! Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, I broke down... I wanted to see him. Monica Geller: Damnit Phoebe! How did you even call him? Phoebe Buffay: There is a speakerphone on the base unit... Monica Geller: Base Unit! Think Monica! Think! Mike Hannigan: Look, if I wanna see Phoebe and she wants to see... Monica Geller: This doesn't concern you!! Mike Hannigan: Oh! Sorry, I guess I was thrown off by the mention of my name! Monica Geller: Look, guys, you can't do this, it's just going to make getting over each other, that much harder. Phoebe Buffay: Not if nothing happens. Why can't... why can't we just hang out as friends? Monica Geller: Sure! If you're just gonna hang out as friends, then maybe I'll join ya. You know, I'm your friend and Mike's friend . Phoebe Buffay: Sit down. Monica Geller: Oh wow wow wow!! Make room for your friend! Mike Hannigan: So how've you been? Monica Geller: I've been pretty good! Mike Hannigan: You look really beautiful. Phoebe Buffay: Thanks, you look good too. Monica Geller: Oh no no no no... this is dangerous territory. Keep it clean! Phoebe Buffay: So how's the piano playing going? Mike Hannigan: Actually I've been playing a lot of love songs lately. I've missed you. Phoebe Buffay: I've missed you too. Monica Geller: You know, on the way over here, I saw this drunk guy throw up. And then a pigeon ate it! Chandler Bing: Hey, Ross, I just wanted to apologize... ..don't tell me you actually made those gay pictures of me? Ross Geller: uhu uhu, check this out. Chandler Bing: Huh! So that's what I would look like if I worked out... and was being serviced by a policeman. You're not actually going to send these out are ya? Ross Geller: Eh..actually no, I don't need to because your little "Ross is dead" joke didn't work, ok, there were no responses. Nobody posted anything on the website, nobody called my parents, so the joke my friend is on you. Nobody called, nobody wrote anything, nobody cares that I'm dead. Oh my God! Nobody cares that I'm dead!? Chandler Bing: No, come on, you know that's not true. Ross Geller: What are you talking about? You get sixty responses just for coming out of the closet! I didn't get one response! And I'm dead! Chandler Bing: Well, the gay community is a lot more vocal than the dead community. Ross Geller: I can't believe this. Not even my geology lab partner? And I carried that guy! Chandler Bing: Alright look, let's think about this, ok, do you really think that people are gonna stir up your family at this tragic time? That people are gonna post condolences on a website? This is not about people not caring that you're dead .This is about people not having a decent outlet for their grief. Ross Geller: You're right. There isn't a decent outlet. Chandler Bing: Right, I mean, come on, I'm sure that if you had a funeral or a memorial service, tons of people would come. Ross Geller: Exactly!! Chandler Bing: Ross, what're you... what're you... what are you doing? You're having a memorial service for yourself!? Ross Geller: No! That would be stupid! You're having it for me! Chandler Bing: Ross, don't press send, don't press se... ! Ross Geller: oh, too late, too late! It's sent... oops sorry and so is the picture of you and the police man... Rachel Green: I'm trying to put Emma down for a nap, have you seen Hugsy? Joey Tribbiani: Original or crappy? Rachel Green: Original. Joey Tribbiani: No, sorry haven't seen him. Rachel Green: Then what's that big lump under your covers? Joey Tribbiani: It's Monica, ok? Rachel Green: That's not Monica! Joey Tribbiani: Alright!! Fine! It's original Hugsy! No, now I know that Emma wants him but he's mine and I need him.. Rachel Green: Oh God. Joey Tribbiani: ... she's being unreasonable! Rachel Green: Joey, there is a reason that Emma loves that stupid penguin so much Oh don't cover its ears! It's because it reminds her of her uncle Joey! Joey Tribbiani: It does? Rachel Green: Yeah! And she's comforted by him because she loves her uncle Joey so much. Joey Tribbiani: Really? She... she loves me? Rachel Green: Oh yeah! But you know what? If you need Hugsy, don't worry. Emma will totally understand. I won't... but whatever . Joey Tribbiani: Ok, wait wait wait wait a minute wait a minute, I mean Rach, I mean if if... . If Hugsy means that much to Emma then... well she can have him. Rachel Green: Oooh... you're sweet, I knew uncle Joey would step up. Look Emma, look who's baaack! Joey Tribbiani: Look forget it forget it... I can't do it. Rachel Green: Are you gonna... you're going to take Hugsy away from a little child? Joey Tribbiani: How do you think I got him in the first place? Monica Geller: Alright you two, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Now I don't want anything going on while I'm gone. Here's a few things you can discuss: mucus, fungus and the idea of me and Ross doing it. Mike Hannigan: I've missed you so much! No, I'm not gonna ask you to get back together because I know we want different things, but just to be with you one more night. Phoebe Buffay: I know, I want that too, but IS that going to make it too hard? Mike Hannigan: It can't be any harder than this... I mean, If I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I... I would have stopped to memorize your face, the way you move, everything about you. If I had known the last time I kissed you would have been the last time... I never would have stopped. Monica Geller: Kiss him, you fool!! Phoebe Buffay: What? Monica Geller: Didn't you hear that speech? If you don't kiss him then I will! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I missed you so much! Strange Man: I knew you'd be here! Mike Hannigan: Oh, crap! Phoebe Buffay: Who is this? Mike Hannigan: My friend Manny. I asked him to keep me away from you. Monica Geller: Hi, that's what I'm doing for Phoebe! Manny: Well, you are not doing a very good job! Monica Geller: Excuse me? Manny: What's with the kissing? Monica Geller: Hey, at least I knew where my guy was. Manny: Oh yeah yeah, thank God you were here to oversee all the kissing! Monica Geller: You didn't hear the speech! Manny: I've heard the speech: "if he knew it was gonna be the last time he saw her... " Monica Geller: Hey, it was very moving! You're just heartless! Manny: You're weak! Monica Geller: You're... weird! Manny: Your pants are undone! Monica Geller: Oh ! Manny: Where did they go? Monica Geller: Damn it! Manny: Oh we blew it. I blame myself. Monica Geller: And I blame you too. Ross Geller: It's been an hour and not one of my classmates has shown up! I tell you, when I actually die some people are gonna get seriously haunted! Chandler Bing: There you go! Someone came! Ross Geller: Ok, ok! I'm gonna go hide! Oh, this is so exciting, my first mourner! Monica Geller: Hi, glad you could come. Chandler Bing: Please, come in. Tom: Hi, you're Chandler Bing, right? I'm Tom Gordon, I was in your class. Chandler Bing: Oh yes, yes... let me... take your coat. Tom: Thanks... uh... I'm so sorry about Ross, it's... Chandler Bing: At least he died doing what he loved... watching blimps. Ross Geller: Who is he? Chandler Bing: Some guy, Tom Gordon. Ross Geller: I don't remember him, but then again I touched so many lives. Monica Geller: So, did you know Ross well? Tom: Oh, actually I barely knew him. Yeah, I came because I heard Chandler's news. D'you know if he's seeing anyone? Monica Geller: Yes, he is. Me. Tom: What? You... You... Oh! Can I ask you a personal question? Ho-how do you shave your beard so close? Chandler Bing: Ok Tommy, that's enough mourning for you! Here we go, bye bye!! Tom: Hey, listen. Call me. Chandler Bing: Ok! Ross Geller: I'm dead and no one cares? Monica Geller: I look like a man?? Chandler Bing: Please, one ridiculous problem at a time! Ross Geller: It isn't ridiculous, look around! No one's here! Chandler Bing: You gave them one day's notice, not everyone in our class checks the web site everyday and Monica... it's probably the way you stand! Ross Geller: Yes, you're right. Still somebody must have seen it... I mean, I went to that school for 4 years, I didn't have an impact on anyone? Chandler Bing: Oh, that's not true. You had an impact on me, I mean, it's 15 years later and we're still best friends. Doesn't that count for something? Ross Geller: Yeah... Oh, great. More party boys for Chandler! Chandler Bing: I'm sure it's somebody for you. Now, go hide. Kori: Hi. I'm here for Ross Geller's memorial service. Chandler Bing: Kori? Kori Weston? Kori: Yeah... Chandler Bing: Wow! You look amazing! Kori: And you are... Chandler Bing: Chandler, Chandler Bing. I'm not gay, I'm not gay at all. Monica Geller: You are married though. Chandler Bing: Don't listen to him, he's in a really bad mood! Kori: I can't believe that Ross is gone. It is just so sad. Chandler Bing: I didn't know Ross and you were so close. Kori: We weren't but we had one class together. He was such a great guy and he talked so passionately about science. I always remembered him. Chandler Bing: I'm sure that would mean a lot to him. And if heaven has a door, I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it and listening intently. Kori: I thought so many times about calling him and asking him out. I guess I really missed my chance. Ross Geller: But you didn't! I'm still alive!! Kori, I know this is a big surprise for you. It's a long story but the things you just said really made my day! I mean, the fact that you are here means more to me than if this room were filled with people! Kori: You sick freak, who does that? I can't believe I had a crush on you! Ross Geller: Did you hear that? Kori Weston had a crush on me!! Ross Geller: No Mum, I'm not dead. I know it's not something to kid about. It was just a practical joke between Chandler and me, but it's over, ok? Actually no, even if I had died, you would not be left childless. Monica?

Joey Tribbiani: Monica, hey, can I borrow the Porsche? Monica Geller: Ok. Joey Tribbiani: Alright! Monica Geller: But ehm...what is it not? Joey Tribbiani: A place to entertain my lady friends. Monica Geller: And what else is it not? Joey Tribbiani: A place to eat spaghetti. Monica Geller: Very good! What do you need it for anyway? Joey Tribbiani: Oh well, the powerball lottery is upto 300 million and they don't sell tickets here in New York, so... Rachel Green: Oh! So you're driving up to Connecticut? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah Connecticut...Not West Virginia. Monica Geller: Hey, maybe I'll drive you up there! I'd like to buy some tickets myself! Joey Tribbiani: Uh! Monica Geller: Yeah with Chandler not getting paid, we could really use 300 million dollars. Chandler Bing: Yeah, because if I was at my old job we'd say 300 million? No thank you! Phoebe Buffay: Hey will you get me tickets too? Rachel Green: Yeah me too. oh! I have an idea. Why don't we all pitch in 50 bucks, we'll pool our money together and then if we win, we'll split it! Everyone almost simultaneously except Ross: yeah thats a great idea! Ross Geller: No thanks! Phoebe Buffay: You don't wanna win the lottery? Ross Geller: Uh...sure I do, and I also wanna be King of my own country and find out what happened to Amelia Earhart. Chandler Bing: Still on Amelia Earhart? Ross Geller: The woman just vanished! Joey Tribbiani: Seriously, Ross, you don't want in on this? Ross Geller: No! Do you know what your odds are of winning the lottery? I...I mean you have a better chance of being struck by lightning 42 times. Chandler Bing: Yes but there's six of us so we'd only have to get struck by lightning 7 times. Joey Tribbiani: I like those odds! Ross Geller: Seriously you guys, I can't believe you're going to spend 250 dollars on the lottery, I mean that's such a bunch of boohaki. Chandler Bing: I'll ask. Boohaki? Ross Geller: Oh oh, we think Emma is about to start talking so we're trying to be careful about what words we use in front of her. Rachel Green: Yeah so get ready to hear alot of ehm...boohaki, goshdarnit and brotherpucker. Monica Geller: How do you know she's gonna start talking? Rachel Green: Well when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying. Chandler Bing: Kinda like Joey. Joey Tribbiani: What's that now? Opening credits. Monica Geller: God! Look at all these tickets! It's so exciting! You know I haven't won anything since the sixth grade. Chandler Bing: Pie eating contest? Monica Geller: Oh! You assume because I was heavy that's the only way I could win something? Chandler Bing: No, I saw a picture of you covered in blueberries. Monica Geller: That was a good day! Ross Geller: They're towing your car, they're towing your car!! Monica Geller: I'm parked in a garage on Morton! Ross Geller: They're towing a car. And I am seeing...spots. Joey Tribbiani: Oh my god Ross! You don't have Emma! And Rachel you don't have Emma! Where's Emma? Who has Emma!? Rachel Green: Joey relax! My mother picked her up two hours ago. You were there! Joey Tribbiani: I was? Racel: Yes and you talked to her... Joey Tribbiani: I did? Rachel Green: She dropped off a casserole? Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah! The casserole lady. Monica Geller: So, did you come by to watch us win the big bucks? Ross Geller: Yeah, uh... and then I figured after you win, we could all go out to the balcony and see a night rainbow with gremlins dancing on top of it! Chandler Bing: Don't touch the phone! I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it!! Ross Geller: Think he washed his hands? Chandler Bing: Hello? Hey Charlie, what do you know? Rachel Green: What's going on? Monica Geller: Chandler is supposed to find out if he's getting an assistent job at his ad agency. But out of the 15 interns, they are only hiring three. Joey Tribbiani: Ooh! Tough odds! Ross Geller: Yeah if only it were a sure thing like your 24 state lottery! Joey Tribbiani: Look who's coming around! Chandler Bing: Damnit. Alright call me when you know more. Joey Tribbiani: Did you get it? Chandler Bing: One of the slots got filled. Joey Tribbiani: By you!? Chandler Bing: Sense the tone! No that kid Nate got it. Monica Geller: Oh! I hate that guy! I mean come on kid! Pull up your pants! Chandler Bing: Yeah I know. Rachel Green: Well, there's two spots left right? Chandler Bing: Yeah...I mean I want this so much! I mean, I wanna get one, I want my friend Charlie to get one...Except I don't care about Charlie. Phoebe Buffay: Hey you guys! Ok, you're not going to believe this! I just saw my psychic and she said I was definitely gonna win the lottery tonight! Monica Geller: Hey that reminds me, I thought we could use some extra luck so I brought a wishbone home from work. Ross Geller: A psychic AND a wishbone? Guys! Give someone else a chance! Monica Geller: Alright, who wants to do it? Phoebe Buffay: Oh can I? Vegetarians never get to do the wishbone. It's really not fair either! You know, just because we don't eat the meat doesn't mean we don't like to play with the carcasses! Monica Geller: Ok, hey Rach? Rachel Green: Oh no, I'm good, I don't wanna get that turkey smell all over my hands. Joey Tribbiani: I'll do it!! It'll get the casserole stink off of mine. Phoebe Buffay: I hope I win! Monica Geller: Well, it doesn't really matter ... you're both wishing for the same thing, right? Joey Tribbiani: I can't tell you what I'm wishing for! Else...you know...won't come true! Monica Geller: Right! .. but we "know" what you're wishing for! Joey Tribbiani: Can't really say! Monica Geller: I understand, but you're wishing for what we think you're wishing for, aren't you? Joey Tribbiani: I'm not really comfortable with these questions! Phoebe Buffay: One, two, three! Joey Tribbiani: I won, hey! Ross Geller: You know what, I'm sure your wish is gonna come true, but, you guys - just in case, maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp! Ah!! That thing gets hot!! Rachel Green: You know, Ross, just keep making your jokes. How are you gonna feel if we actually do win? Ross Geller: Uh, you're not gonna win. Rachel Green: Oh, I know, I know, the odds are against us, but somebody has to win, and it could be us! And then how you gonna feel? You know, we're gonna be all like "oh everybody, let's take our helicopters up to the cape" and you're gonna be all like "oh, I can't guys, I'll meet you guys up there, I gotta gas up the Hyundai" Ross Geller: Ok, I've heard myself on tape and I sound nothing like that. Chandler Bing: I can see the headline now: "Lottery winners' friend filled with regret eats own arm". Ross Geller: Why would I eat my own arm? Chandler Bing: Well you wouldn't, but we own the paper, we can print whatever we want. Monica Geller: You know what, Ross? I'm gonna throw in 50 bucks for you. Ross Geller: Why? Monica Geller: Because I know that you think the lottery is "boohaki" but we're all here and gonna watch the numbers and have fun. And you're my brother, and I want you to be a part of this. Ross Geller: You don't have to do that, I'll pay for myself. But just the fact that you want me to have fun with you guys - that's so sweet! Come here. Phoebe Buffay: Get a room! Chandler Bing: Ok, so now that you're in, what are you gonna do if we win? Ross Geller: I don't know, probably just invest it. Chandler Bing: Ooh! Calm down ... Joey Tribbiani: Seriously, that's your fantasy? To invest it? Ross Geller: Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "invest it"? I meant "be cool and piss it all away" Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, ooh, I know! We should pool all own money and buy the Knicks! Rachel Green: I don't really care about the Knicks. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you will when I pick you as starting forward. Rachel Green: You would do that? I never get picked! Chandler Bing: You know, I'm not sure a sports team is the way to go. Joey Tribbiani: You're not gonna let me buy the Knicks?? I can't believe you're taking this away from me! Chandler Bing: You're right, it has been you dream for over 15 seconds. Ross Geller: Uh, how long until they announce the numbers, Mommy? Chandler Bing: I'll take this one too Uh ... Mommy? Ross Geller: Oh, I've gotten into the habit of calling Rachel "Mommy" when we're around Emma. Which I now realize we are not ... Rachel Green: I'm hoping that if she hears it enough it will be her first word. Ross Geller: Although if we're gonna do that, we should probably call me "Daddy" too. Phoebe Buffay: Oooh, I like that, "daddy" Ross Geller: I ... I was just talking about Rachel. Phoebe Buffay: Oooh, is daddy getting angry? Is daddy gonna spank me? Ross Geller: Well that depends ... have you been a baaad gi .. no I can't. Chandler Bing: Hello? Hello? Oh, hey Charlie. Did anybody else hear? ... What? Susan got it?? How? Oh man, I would have slept with him!! .. Alright, bye. Joey Tribbiani: Dude, I'm sorry. But hey, there's one spot left, right? Chandler Bing: Well no, Charlie's gonna get that. Monica Geller: Hey, don't say that! You got just as good a chance as anybody else of getting that job! Chandler Bing: He's the boss's son. Monica Geller: Come on, lottery!! Rachel Green: Ooh, you guys, it starts in like 20 minutes. Monica Geller: Ok, here we go. We need to sort out the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we've won. So does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? Ok, how about this: we divide them into 6 groups of 40, and the remaining 10 can be read by whoever finishes their pile first. Rachel Green: Ooh, I have another idea! Monica Geller: I'm sorry, idea time is over. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, well, are all the tickets in the bowl? Monica Geller: Yeah. Chandler Bing: What about the ones you have on the nightstand? Monica Geller: There are no tickets on the nightstand! Chandler Bing: Yes there are, I just saw them a few minutes ago. Monica Geller: Un, no you didn't! You must be mistaken! Chandler Bing: Honey, there are like 20 tickets on the nightstand! Monica Geller: Chandler, sense the tone!! Rachel Green: Well, well, well, look what mommy found!! Monica Geller: Ok, fine!! I bought 20 extra tickets for me and Chandler. Phoebe Buffay: Uh! The psychic also said that I would be betrayed. Ross Geller: I can't believe this, I thought we were all in this together! Monica Geller: Hey, you just got in 5 minutes ago! Ross Geller: 3 minutes ago!!! I don't know why that's important ... Joey Tribbiani: I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut, when did you even get those? Monica Geller: When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic! Joey Tribbiani: I'll show you how. Rachel Green: Ok, well Monica, suppose one of your "special" tickets win? How are you gonna feel when you win the lottery and you lose all your friends? Monica Geller: Please ... if I win the lottery, you guys are not gonna leave me. Someone gave me a basket of mini-muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for 3 days! Rachel Green: Chandler, would you just tell her what she did was wrong? Chandler Bing: She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us ... Monica Geller: Ahhh! Chandler Bing: Let me finish ... however, it doesn't look like I'm gonna get this job so I can't afford to have principles, so screw you, the tickets are ours!! Monica Geller: There's the man I married!! Rachel Green: All right, believe me.If you win the lottery, it's the last you're gonna hear from us! Monica Geller: Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah, and then I'll pay for their plastic surgery so they'd look just like you! Rachel Green: OH! Alright, you know what? That's it! I want my share of the tickets ! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I want my tickets too ! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graff, ah ah! Ross Geller: Than I want mine, too ! And if I win I'm gonna put it all into a very low-yield bond. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together. Monica Geller: No, no! We should divide them up and I should get extra because we used my card to buy them! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, if anybody gets extra tickets, it should be me! This all thing was my idea! Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery! Rachel Green: Ok, that's it! Just give'em to me! I'll split them up! Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Phoebe Buffay: OOOOOHHHHH! Ross Geller: Hey, hey!! Phoebe Buffay: OOOOOHHHHH! Fine, I can't take it anymore! I'm putting an end to this! Rachel Green: Oh, if she jumps, I get her tickets. Joey Tribbiani: No, no! Phoebe Buffay: If we are not doing it together, we're not doing it at all! So, say goodbye to your tickets! . Everyone: NO!! Phoebe Buffay: Don't come any closer! Chandler Bing: Can I come a little bit closer, valuable things are getting squished... Phoebe Buffay: No, what's more important, your friends or money? Monica Geller: Money! Friends... Phoebe Buffay: Hey Monica, what about your extra tickets? Monica Geller: They're all in there! Even these five that I hid in my bra ... Ross Geller: Monica! Phoebe Buffay: Ok, good! You guys were so scared! There was no way I was gonna dump this... Oh God, no! I think I broke your bowl. Ross Geller: Go, go, go!! Phoebe Buffay: What a beautiful night to be running around the street, looking for tickets. And the wind sure made it fun. Monica Geller: Phoebe, we lost half of them. Phoebe Buffay: So, what? Monica, we have the winning ticket! My psychic said I was gonna win, remember? Ross Geller: Weird.. your psychic didn't mention anything about the scary pigeon... Phoebe Buffay: As a matter of fact she said that's how I am going to die. So, excuse me for being a little skittish. Chandler Bing: Hey, there's two messages. These could be from work! Monica Geller: Oh, play them! Chandler Bing: Ok, here we go! Message: "Hello. Th-this is the pigeon from the balcony calling to apologise" "I sh.. I shouldn't have knocked the tickets out of the pretty lady's hand. It-it was all my fault. Not hers. Bye. Coo." Phoebe Buffay: Well, I bet that was very hard for him to do. Second Message: "Hey Chandler, it's Charlie" Chandler Bing: This is..shhh! Second Message: "Listen, oh... it turns I got the last spot. I'm really sorry man, it was a lot of fun working with you. Give me a call if you want." Monica Geller: Oh God, I am so sorry honey... Everyone: Oh, so sorry man! Sorry! Rachel Green: Oh, it is so unfair. It's like that time they promoted Sandra over me at work. Chandler Bing: Oh, is she related to Ralph Lauren? Rachel Green: No, she was just much better at job than me! Phoebe Buffay: Guys, the drawing is about to start! Rachel Green: You know what? We should call my mum's house and say goodnight to Emma before she goes down. Ross Geller: Oh yeah, it's a good idea! Monica Geller: Honey, you've been really strong about this, I know how badly you wanted that job. Chandler Bing: Yeah, you know, I really thought I deserved it. But... let's go win the lottery... I mean, we still have 130 chances to win, right? Monica Geller: 131! Ross Geller: Goodnight sweetheart! I love you. And remember, you're daddy's little girl... Phoebe's totally ruined that for me... Rachel Green: Hi mum, put her back on! Joey Tribbiani: Rach, come on! They are announcing the numbers! My God, I can already feel myself changing. TV: "Here we are, the official Powerball numbers! We have 53" Chandler Bing: I got that! Ross Geller: Oh, we have one too!! Monica Geller: We are on a roll, people!! Ross Geller: Come on!! Rachel Green: Mum, please!I know you love your new lips, but I can barely understand you! Would you, please, just let me say goodnight to my daughter? TV: "And number 29! Here we go! The Powerball is 7" Monica Geller: Check your numbers! Make me rich! Rachel Green: Guys, you're not gonna believe this! I was just saying goodnight to Emma and she said her first words!! Everyone: Wow! Joey Tribbiani: And what did she say? Rachel Green: She said "gleba"!! Monica Geller: Make me rich!! Rachel Green: Isn't that amazing? Ross Geller: Oh yeah, no no no...that's great! Rachel Green: Why-why aren't you more excited? Ross Geller: Oh, Rach...oh..."gleba" is not a word. Rachel Green: Oh, but of course it is! Ross Geller: Okay, what does it mean? Rachel Green: I don't know all the words. Ross Geller: I'm just, I'm just glad I didn't miss my daughter's first words . Ross Geller: Yes you did, gleba is a word! Ross Geller: Ok, use it in a sentence. Rachel Green: Ok... "Emma just said gleba"! Ross Geller: It's not a word! Rachel Green: Okay, okay, okay, fine, I'm gonna look it up . Ross Geller: Oh, oh, ok, great. You know what, while you're at it she said another word the other day, why don't you, why don't you look up: pbbqqt... Rachel Green: Alright, okay, okay, gleba, gleba... Gleba! Ha! Here it is: the fleshy, spore-bearing inner mass of a certain fungi. Ross Geller: She's gonna be a scientist! Joey Tribbiani: Damnit! anybody got anything? Chandler Bing: No. Phoebe Buffay: I'm still looking through mine... Monica Geller: Just double checking ...no, no, no... No! Monica Geller: Hello? Hold on. It's your boss. Chandler Bing: Ah, the "I'm sorry I rejected you" phone call. I'm not used to getting it from guys. Hey, Steve. Steve: Chandler, hi! I'm sure you've heard we filled the three positions. We just felt that with your maturity and experience, you wouldn't be happy being someone's assistant. Chandler Bing: Oh no no no no, I'd love to be somebody's assistant! Answering phones, getting coffee, I live for that stuff! And I'm not too mature... farts, boobies, butt cracks! Steve: Chandler, you were the strongest person in the program. We're offering you the position of junior copywriter. Chandler Bing: Me, that guy who just said butt cracks? Steve: Yes, that's right. We're excited about the level of sophistication you'll be bringing to the job. Chandler Bing: Ok well, thanks, you won't regret it. I'll see you tomorrow . Chandler Bing: What? Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a junior copywriter. Everyone: Oh my God, congratulations! Monica Geller: Oh sweetie, I'm so proud of you! Chandler Bing: Does that mean I get the good loving tonight? Monica Geller: You bet! No TV or anything! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, that is so great about the job. Chandler Bing: Thanks, man. Joey Tribbiani: And I like to think I had a little something to do with it. Chandler Bing: Really? What? Joey Tribbiani: Well, before, with the wishbone... I didn't wish we would win the lottery, I wished you'd get the job. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah? Listen, don't tell Monica, she'll rip your heart right out. Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah. Rachel Green: You know what? There is a little part of me that really thought we were gonna win. Ross Geller: Me too. So much for my dinosaur/Amelia Earhart theme park. Phoebe Buffay: You guys, what was the Powerball number again? Phoebe Buffay: We won. Rachel Green: What? Phoebe Buffay: We won! Monica Geller: Let me see! Phoebe Buffay: Don't tear it. Ross Geller: Phoebe, you don't have any of the first five numbers. Phoebe Buffay: I know that, but look, we've got the Powerball number, we've won 3 dollars! Chandler Bing: Wow, you'd think we should get that over 20 years or go for the big payout. Phoebe Buffay: I don't care, I've never won anything before, I can't believe this! Rachel Green: So Pheebs, what are you going to do with your $3? Phoebe Buffay: It's not all mine. We all get 50 cents. Monica Geller: You know what? You can have mine. Chandler Bing: Me too. Joey Tribbiani: Me too. Rachel Green: Me too. Ross Geller: I guess if everybody else is... Closing credits. Joey Tribbiani: Hey guys, so I just called the Powerball hotline, can you believe it? Nobody won. Phoebe Buffay: I beg to differ . Gunther: Maybe nobody won the jackpot, but there was this guy in here earlier, and he found the ticket on the street, right outside, and won $10,000 . Phoebe Buffay: Coo, again. Don't blame the pretty lady. It was not her fault. It was me, the pigeon, coo! Seriously, stop staring at her.

Joey Tribbiani: God, you're beautiful...why are we fighting this?You know you want it to happen as much as I do. Joey: I want you.I need you.Let me make love to you. Rachel Green: I don't wanna stand in the way of true love or anything, but I think a cantaloupe might hurt less. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, ehm...I'm...I'm rehearsing my lines.They gave me a big romantic story on Days Of Our Lives. It's the first time my character's got one. I'm so nervous, you know, I really want it to be good! Rachel Green: Woow!I haven't seen you this worked up since you did that dog food commercial and you thought you were gonna be with a real talking dog! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, that was a disappointment... Oh, hey!D'you want to come down to the set and tell me if I'm doing ok? Rachel Green: Are you serious? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!Hey, you just have to promise not to get yourself thrown out again. Rachel Green: Hey, that was an honest mistake! Joey Tribbiani: Right!"Oh my God, is this the men's room? Oh, I feel so foolish, have you always known you wanted to be an actor?" Rachel Green: Yeah, that was an awesome day! Opening credits. Monica Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Ross Geller: Hi! Monica Geller: So, do you guys wanna come and eat dinner at the restaurant sometime in the next few weeks? Phoebe Buffay: Sure! Ross Geller: I'd love to! Monica Geller: Well you can't! We're booked solid for the next month! Phoebe Buffay: Well, I can't give you a massage, because my licence has been revoked again! Ross Geller: Phoebe, what happened? Phoebe Buffay: Well, it was an accident...You know, it's a lot of oil and sometimes the hand just slips! Chandler: Have I got a surprise for you? Pack your bags! Phoebe Buffay: Oh no!You guys aren't supposed to get divorced for 7 years! Chandler Bing: What? No, I'm taking Monica to a romantic inn in Vermont ! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, good!Ok, good for you!Try to recapture the magic! Chandler Bing: So, what do you say? Can you get out of work? Monica Geller: Oh, honey!I can't. I was just telling these guys that things are crazy at the restaurant! Chandler Bing: Are you really that busy? Monica Geller: Yeah, I'm sorry. I really am. Chandler Bing: Oh, that's ok.I'll just try and reschedule. "Hi, this is Chandler Bing. I made a reservation there and I need to change it Oh, what do you mean it's not refundable? Can I just come some other time? Oh, can't you make an exception?" Monica Geller: Tell them I'm a chef in a big New York restaurant! Phoebe Buffay: And tell them that in 2 weeks I will once again be a masseuse in good standing! Chandler Bing: "Look, this is ridiculous! I'm not paying for that room! Ok?" "Oh, thank you very much!" Yeah, I'm going to Vermont... Ross Geller: Oh, don't worry about it! Just use your travel insurance. Chandler Bing: I don't have travel insurance. Ross Geller: Well, this is what happens when people live on the edge! Monica Geller: Why don't you take Ross? Ross Geller: Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn... Monica Geller: No, not if their room has two beds! Ross Geller: I guess...It still seems a little... moonlight boat ride!! Rachel Green: Hey Joey, is this the bed where Olivia lost her virginity? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know, but one of the extras sure did! Hey, listen Rach. Thanks again for coming down to watch my scenes! Rachel Green: Oh, please!Honey, just the fact that you want me here to support you, I'm...OH MY GOD!Is that Christian Sanders?He's so gorgeous! Joey Tribbiani: Also so gay! Rachel Green: Oh, in my head he's done some pretty "not-gay-stuff"! Joey Tribbiani: Well, at the Christmas party him and Santa did some definitely gay stuff! Director: Joey, Joey! We're ready for you! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, wish me luck! Rachel Green: Ok, not that you need it but good...GOD!Is that Chase Lassiter?He's straight, right? Joey Tribbiani: Rach, I gotta say...if you weren't here wondering if these guys were gay I don't know if I could do this! Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sorry, you're right.I'm sorry, good luck! Director: On a bell please! Quietly.. and ACTION! Olivia: Drake! What are you doing in here? Dr. Drake Ramoray: Stopping you from marrying the wrong man and making the biggest mistake of your life. Olivia: Get out! Dr. Drake Ramoray: You don't love him! Olivia: What do you know about love? Dr. Drake Ramoray: I know what I felt that night when we kissed under the bridge. Olivia: That kiss never happened. Dr. Drake Ramoray: Oh, what about this one. Rachel: OH! Olivia: No, I told you...get out! Dr. Drake Ramoray: Fine. I'll go. But let me ask you one question... Chase Lassiter: You look familiar, have we... Rachel Green: SSSHHHHTTT!!He's asking her a question!! Dr. Drake Ramoray: Can you really live the rest of your life never knowing what we could have been? Olivia: I don't have a choice... Dr. Drake Ramoray: Yes, you do.Yes...you do. I'm the one who doesn't have a choice because I...because I can't stop loving you. Olivia: Don't say that... Dr. Drake Ramoray: Tell me to stop, just...tell me to stop. Director: CUT! Rachel Green: NO! Or, cut!You know, that's your call! 1st Customer: Everything was delicious! Monica Geller: Thank you! 2nd Customer: It was. The duck in particular was superb. Monica Geller: Thank you! You haven't said anything... 3rd Customer: Actually I do have one small complaint. Monica Geller: Oh..please!I-I welcome criticism. 3rd Customer: The musician right outside the restaurant...it's kind of a mood-killer! Monica Geller: What musician? Phoebe Buffay: And there's a country called Argentinaaaa, it's a place I've never seeeeen. But I'm told for fifty pesos you can buy a human spleen. Humaaan spleeeeen. Ole! Monica Geller: What are you doing here! Phoebe Buffay: Well, you said that you had customers lined up in the street, so I am here to entertain! Monica Geller: Great! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! It really has been great too, you know, some of this people must have seen me play before because they were requesting a bunch of my songs! Yeah, "You suck" and "shut up and go home". Monica Geller: Listen Phoebe... Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Monica Geller: You know how much I love listening to your music, you know, but... Phoebe Buffay: But what? Monica Geller: This is kind of a classy place. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, say no more. Phoebe Buffay: : It wasn't just that she was fat, the woman smelled like garbage! Everyone! It wasn't just that she was fat the woman smelled like garbaaaaaage! Classy, uh? Chandler Bing: Hi, Chandler Bing, I have a reservation. Receptionist: Welcome to the Chestnut Inn Mr. Bing, so where are you joining from? Chandler Bing: New York. Ross Geller: The big apple! Chandler Bing: I'm sorry, he's a little bit wound up, we had to stop at every maple candy stand on the way here. Ross Geller: Yeah, I ate all my gifts for everybody. Receptionist: I am sorry Mr. Bing, there's no record of your reservation in the computer. Chandler Bing: Well, that's impossible, can you check again, please? Ross Geller: Check again please! Receptionist: I'm sorry, it's not here. Ross Geller: Not there. Chandler Bing: Let me get this straight. I called yesterday trying to cancel my reservation and I was told it was not refundable, then we drove six hours all the way up here and now you tell me that we don't have a reservation? Receptionist: I don't know what to say. Ross Geller: She doesn't know what to say! Chandler Bing: Just give us the cheapest room you have. Receptionist: Unfortunatly the only thing we have available is our deluxe suite, the rate is six hundred dollars. Chandler Bing: That's insane! Ross Geller: Totally insane. Dude, let's drive home, we'll hit all the maple candy stores on the way back and if...if they're closed maybe we'll tap a tree and make some ourselves. Chandler Bing: Does that room have a closet I can lock him in? We'll take it. Receptionist: Great. Chandler Bing: What!? They are totally ripping us off! Ross Geller: Dude, don't worry 'bout it! I know how we can make your money back! This is a nice hotel, you know, plenty of amenities, we just load up on those! Like those apples. Instead of taking one, I'm... I take six! Chandler Bing: Great, at a hundred dollars an apple, we're there! Ross Geller: C'mon, you get the idea, ow-ow-ow we'll make our money back in no time! Chandler Bing: Dude, you're shaking! Ross Geller: I think it's the sugar, could you hold the apple? Rachel Green: Hi! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Rachel Green: Joey, I gotta tell ya, I've been thinking all day about that scene you did, I mean, you were amazing! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you know, the writing was good, and the director is good, and... and my co-star's good but they're not as good as me! Rachel Green: God, you have to tell me what happens tomorrow! Joey Tribbiani: Ow, I'm just going over the script now! You wanna read lines with me? Rachel Green: Me? Oh, no, I am not an actress. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, all right, I can ask Monica. Rachel Green: Oh screw her, that part is mine! Joey Tribbiani: Right... ok, so just from the top of the page, right here. Rachel Green: Okay. . Hello Drake, I'm surprised to see you here. Dr. Drake Ramoray: I can't believe you married him. Rachel Green: But what choice did I have. He was keeping my sister in a dungeon! Dr. Drake Ramoray: So what about us? Everything we feel for each other. Rachel Green: It's over! You have to accept that. Dr. Drake Ramoray: How can I? Knowing I'll never hold you in my arms again, or touch your skin, or feel your lips, knowing I'll never make love to you? How can I accept that... I can never kiss you again when it's all I can do not to kiss you right now. Rachel Green: Kiss me. Joey Tribbiani: What? Rachel Green: Kiss me. Joey Tribbiani: Ah, Rach, it doesn't say that! Rachel Green: No, I'm saying... Joey Tribbiani: but, but.. Rachel Green: just... don't talk... Rachel Green: Ehhh, aw! . Well, that's new! Ross Geller: Hi, this is Ross Geller in suite 206. It seems you forgot a couple of things. Could you have some complimentary toiletries sent up to my room? Thank you! Ok. Toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, mouthwash, deodorant, dental floss, band aids, shaving cream, after shave... and I feel like I am forgetting something... Is there anything else you have that I haven't asked for already? Yeah, go ahead, send up some tampons. Ross: What did you get? Chandler Bing: USA Today. Ross Geller: Nice, put it with the others. Chandler Bing: And I also got... two more apples. Ross Geller: We are four short of a bush-o . God I feel so alive, I love being in the country! Chandler Bing: I also got this great salt and pepper shaker from the restaurant. Ross Geller: Oh, that's not cool. Chandlers: Dude, none of this is cool. Ross Geller: No, Chandler, you have to find the line between stealing and taking what the hotel owes you. For example: hair drier, no, no, no, but shampoo and conditioners, yes, yes, yes. Now, the salt shaker is off-limits, but the salt I wish I'd thought this through. Chandler Bing: I think I know what you mean though...the lamp is the hotel's, but the bulbs ...oh, you already got that. Ross Geller: Not my first time in a hotel, my friend. Chandler Bing: Ok, how about this ? Ross Geller: No, no, no, you can't take the remote control! Chandler Bing: Yes, but the batteries... Chandler: Thank you, thank you very much! Ross Geller: Let's celebrate with some maple candy! Chandler Bing: No! Ross Geller: At least tell me where you hid it. Rachel Green: Can I ask you a question? Monica Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: Have you ever had any weird romantic dreams? Monica Geller: Let me think. Oh, when I was younger I used to dream that I got married to Mayor McCheese, and on our wedding night I ate his head. Rachel Green: Ok, well this is like that...in no way. I had a...I had a dream last night that I wanted to kiss Joey. Monica Geller: Wow, do you mean like kiss him-kiss him? Rachel Green: Oh yeah! I mean, that was pretty intense. Monica Geller: What do you think brought than on? Rachel Green: I don't know! I mean, maybe that's something to do with the fact that I saw him do a love scene yesterday. Monica Geller: A love scene? With who? Rachel Green: Olivia. Monica Geller: Olivia? I thought she was marrying Connor! Oh right, real life more important. Rachel Green: So do you think that my dream means anything? Monica Geller: I don't know. I mean, you saw him do a love scene, so maybe you don't have a thing for Joey, maybe you have a thing for Drake. Rachel Green: Ah! Well it was Joey reading Drake's lines in the dream... Monica Geller: Of course it was! Trust me, when it comes to psychology I know what I'm talking about. I took two psych classes in college. Rachel Green: You took the same class twice. Monica Geller: It was hard! Phoebe: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Here, Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at the restaurant uh, huh wait! Right? I mean, this might even class up the ballad of the uncircumcised man. Monica Geller: Oh...Phoebe? Maybe I wasn't clear before. I really love listening to your music here, but my restaurant is sort of an upscale place. Phoebe Buffay: Right, yeah, ok, I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault. Monica Geller: Phoebe, it's not what you wear. It's sort of your songs... I just don't think you should play at the restaurant anymore. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, ok. Fine, I'll just, I'll take the hat back . Rachel: Hey, so you guys, the funniest thing happened, at work... Phoebe Buffay: My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant? Rachel Green: Ok, we're still on that. Monica Geller: I didn't say your songs were not good enough. Phoebe Buffay: Then what's wrong with them? Would they not go with your tiny portions of pretentious food? Monica Geller: Tiny portions? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah well, "excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but I can't see it, I can't see it"! Monica Geller: Phoebe, it's not about quantity. Phoebe Buffay: Well...it's not about quality. Monica Geller: Oh really, you want to talk about quality? Have you heard of a key? It's what some people sing in. Phoebe Buffay: Well at least all my songs don't taste like garlic. Yeah, there are other ingredients Monica. Monica Geller: Ok, so that's what we're doing. You know, when I'm in the coffee house bopping along to one of your songs, I'm wearing ear plugs. Phoebe Buffay: Ear plugs, or cloves of garlic? Monica Geller: You know what? I take back what I said before. You keep playing at the restaurant, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales are going up like crazy. Phoebe Buffay: What are people having, the garlic Martini? Receptionist: Here's your copy of the bill, we hope you enjoyed your stay. Chandler Bing: Oh we did, and you still have all your lamps. Chandler: Oh, I didn't factor in the room tax. Ross Geller: Oh dude, don't worry about it, I found an unattended maid's car. We're way ahead of the game. Ross: Oh my god. Chandler Bing: What? Ross Geller: There's something new in the bowl. Chandler Bing: Look, we have enough, just walk away. Ross Geller: No, but I want...I want the pinecones! Chandler Bing: There's a forest right outside. Ross Geller: It's not the same. Chandler Bing: Ok, go quick! Ross: Thank you for a delightful stay. Ross: Oh, my maple candy! Phoebe Buffay: Food here at 'Javu'..will kill you..the food here at 'Javu' ...will kill you.. Monica: Thank god, it's just you! I thought someone was swinging a bag of cats against the wall. Phoebe Buffay: You'd better get back in that kitchen Monica, the garlic is not gonna overuse itself. Monica Geller: Ok, you have to stop playing now. Phoebe Buffay: Why? The only person my playing is bothering is you! Monica Geller: Oh yeah? Ok, let's settle this, come on! Phoebe Buffay: Get your garlic-peelers off me! Monica Geller: Excuse me, excuse me, hi, I'm Monica Geller..I'm the head chef here.. .. Ok, I was actually expecting a little applause there, but whatever! Ok, quick question: by a show of hands, how many of you were bothered by this woman's singing outside? Phoebe Buffay: Ok, ok, how many of you enjoyed the music outside? Ha! Monica Geller: Alright, let me ask you this question: How many of you thought the music was fine, but not in keeping with the tone of the restaurant? . Phoebe Buffay: Ok, well, who identified the tone of this restaurant as pretentious comma garlicky? Monica Geller: Ok who thinks the food is delicious and a little pretention never hurt anyone? Phoebe Buffay: Ok, well, alright, who thinks the food is fine, the music was fine, but your evening was ruined by this incessant poll taking? . Monica Geller: Excuse us! Alright here's a question: Who was so worried about her restaurant being fancy that she made a big deal about her friend playing her music and feels really bad about it now? Phoebe Buffay: Oh...Who was so stupid and stubborn that she lashed out against her friend's cooking which she actually thinks is pretty great! Monica Geller: I'm sorry... Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry too... Monica Geller: ooohh... hey! Wanna stick around and I'll whip you up some dinner? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! As long as it's free! Food here is ridiculously over-p... Phoebe: Who's hoping the hand raising thing is still cute enough that you won't hate me? Rachel Green: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Rachel Green: Joey, do you have peanut butter on the back of your head? Joey Tribbiani: Oh man! I thought I got it all! Rachel Green: How...how...? Joey Tribbiani: I was making a peanut butter smoothy, right? Rachel Green: uh-huh. Joey Tribbiani: And I couldn't find this little plastic thing that goes on top of the blender...and I thought...well... how important can that be, right...? Turns out very! Rachel Green: Wow...definitely just Drake... Joey Tribbiani: What? Rachel Green: What...how is it going with Drake? Joey Tribbiani: Oh...I don't think it's going very well... Rachel Green: What...that scene I saw was so good! Joey Tribbiani: Well, I'm feeling really insecure about the one we are shooting tomorrow... Rachel Green: Joey, is this that thing that you do when you say you're bad so I'll give you a compliment? Joey Tribbiani: A little. Yeah no, I really am worried, you know, I mean I have to make it convincing that I'm in love with Olivia. Rachel Green: So? Joey Tribbiani: So...I've never played that! Rachel Green: Ooh! Honey, it can't be that hard, I mean, you've been in love before? Joey Tribbiani: Uh...well...just once...with you... Rachel Green: Ok...this could be a little awkward...I'm just going to blow past it... well can't you just use that method actor thing where you use your real life memories to help you in your performance? Joey Tribbiani: What the hell are you talking about?? Rachel Green: Alright, alright look, just uh... just try to remember how you felt when you were in love, and think about that when you're playing the scene. Joey Tribbiani: Oh! ok, yeah, I think I can do that. Yeah ok, there's this party scene coming up.. and Olivia and her husband are there and all Drake wants to do is grab her and kiss her, but he can't... And that makes me think about all those times when I wanted to grab you and kiss you, but you didn't know so I would just pretend everything was cool, but really, it was killing me. Rachel Green: Joey, you never..you never talked about that before... Joey Tribbiani: Well.. hey, you know what else I could use? There's a scene where Drake sneaks into Olivia's bedroom, and she doesn't know he's there - which never happened with us! And he knows he shouldn't be there, but he just wants to look at her... you know? And I remember all those mornings before you even put on your make-up, when I would think to myself, my God, she...is... beautiful... and it hurts so much, cuz I knew I could never tell you but it was worth it just to be there looking at you. Joey: Thanks dude!!!This is GREAT!! Closing credits. Chandler Bing: I got you something from Vermont! Monica Geller: Besides tampons and salt? Ooh! My God! Maple candy! That's so sweet of you. That's weird...it's empty! Ross: Hi you guys! what's going on, you... you guys wanna hang out...or...? do you...do you guys hear a buzzing?

Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you guys, what are you doing tomorrow night? Chandler Bing: Well, let me see... I-I believe I'm... yes, falling asleep in front of the TV. Joey Tribbiani: Look, my agent hooked me up with six tickets to a great play. Chandler Bing: I could fall asleep at a play. Phoebe Buffay: What is it? Joey Tribbiani: It's a one-woman play called "Why don't you like me: a bitter woman's journey through life". Monica Geller: It sounds interesting! Ross Geller: Yeah, it does sound interesting, I mean, to listen to a woman complain for two hours, I don't think it gets bett... Phoebe Buffay: I know, I know, we can drive, we can vote, we can work, what more do these broads want? Joey Tribbiani: You guys are gonna have a great time, I promise! Ross Geller: What? How come that you don't have to go! Joey Tribbiani: I wish I could but I just found out that I have to be at work really early the next day, so I can't go, but, you know, take the extra ticket and invite whoever you want. Chandler Bing: Uh, let's see, who do I hate? Rachel Green: Oh, sorry... Oops, sorry. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, here you go. Rachel Green: Ooh... oooh... oh, ah... Can I ask you a question? Monica Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: Do you think it's possible for two friends to fool around and... and not have it be a big deal? Monica Geller: No, I don't think it ever works. Why? Rachel Green: No reason. Monica Geller: No, no, Rachel? Rachel Green: Yeah. Monica Geller: Who do you wanna fool around with? Rachel Green: Nobody, forget it! Rachel: Maybe. Monica Geller: You can't! Rachel Green: Why? Seriously I did not understand a word that you said. Monica Geller: In the hall. Monica Geller: You wanna fool around with Joey? Rachel Green: Yeah! You know, ever since I had that dream about him, and can't get it out of my head! And what's the big deal, people do it all the time! Monica Geller: Who? Who do you know that are friends that just fool around? Rachel Green: Ok, off the top of my head... Don and Janet. Monica Geller: Who, who are they? Rachel Green: I know them from work. Monica Geller: Both of them? Rachel Green: No, one of them... Monica Geller: Which one? Rachel Green: I don't know, what were the names I just said? Monica Geller: Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated. Rachel Green: All right, all right, you're right, I won't do anything with Joey, I just thought that we Ok so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion? Monica Geller: What the hell are you cooking! Ross Geller: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey, you guys won't believe what I have to do for work today. Chandler Bing: Yes, but, Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs. Ross Geller: There're these two professors who are joining my department and I have to meet them here and show them around campus. Monica Geller: What's so bad about that? Ross Geller: It's I just know they're gonna be a couple of windbags wearing tweed jackets with suede elbow patches. Monica Geller: : Ross? Ross Geller: These aren't suede. Charlie: Excuse me, I'm looking for someone. You don't, by any chance, know a Ross Geller? Gunther: No. Ross Geller: Hi, hi, I'm Ross Geller. Charlie Wheeler: Oh, hi. I'm professor Wealer. Ross Geller: Oh, oh, that's, that's, that's nice. Charlie Wheeler: It's a... It's good to meet you! Thank you so much for taking the time out to show me around. Ross Geller: Oh, no, it's no big deal, I mean, if I weren't doing this I'd just, you know, be at the gym working out. Monica Geller: Is he gonna introduce us? Chandler Bing: No, I think we're just blurry shapes to him now. Charlie Wheeler: And, by the way, I really enjoyed your paper on the connection between geographic isolation and rapid mutagenesis. Ross Geller: Oh, ha, I wrote that in one minute. Monica Geller: Twenty bucks says they're married within the month. Ross Geller: We should probably get going, you know, we got a lot of ground to cover. Charlie Wheeler: Oh, ah, isn't there another professor that is supposed to come with us? Ross Geller: I don't think so. Charlie Wheeler: I'm pretty sure, professor Spafford from Cornell? Ross Geller: Oh, well he's obviously late and the rule in my class is "if you can't come on time, then don't come at all". An option that many of my students use. Shall we? Charlie Wheeler: You don't think we should wait for him? Ross Geller: You know what, he's a big boy, I'm sure he'll find us, ok? Professor Spafford: Professor Geller? Ross Geller: Oh, damn it! Jane: Hi Joey it's Jane Rogers, can't wait for your party tonight. Listen, I forgot your address, can you give me a call? Thanks, bye. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Rachel Green: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: What's happenin'? Rachel Green: Yeah, it's a real shame you can't make it to that one-woman show tonight. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I'd love to, but I gotta get up so early the next day and so, you know me, work comes first. Rachel Green: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... Message: "Hi Joey, it's Jane Rogers can't wait for your party tonight" Joey Tribbiani: Stupid Jane Rogers!! Rachel Green: You are having a party tonight?? Joey Tribbiani: Kinda have a... a thing for the Days Of Our Life's people. Rachel Green: And you weren't going to tell us? How did you think you were gonna get away with that? Joey Tribbiani: I do it every year. Rachel Green: You do that every year?? Joey Tribbiani: I didn't have to tell you that!! I'm stupider than Jane Rogers!! Rachel Green: Oh, that's why you got these tickets to that play, to get rid of us?? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah... Rachel Green: And last year is that why you sent us to that medieval times restaurant? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah... Rachel Green: OH! And the year before that, when you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory? Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe you guys went for that one! Rachel Green: Joey, why wouldn't you invite us to your parties? Joey Tribbiani: You're fine, ok? But everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people! Rachel Green: Well, then so you just invite me...! Joey Tribbiani: Please, I was trying to be nice, you're the worst one! Rachel Green: Oh, Joey, come on! Please, please! Let me come, I will behave, I promise! I will behave! Please, please, please... Joey Tribbiani: Ok, ok! Fine! You can come, but don't tell anybody else. It's up on the roof at 8. Rachel Green: OH, a soap opera roof party!! I'm going to a soap opera roof party!! Oh my God, oh my God!! And it's out of my system! Professor Spafford: And then my wife and I went on a cruise to the Galapagos. There was a sea food buffet you wouldn't believe. There were clams, and mussels, and oysters, and cracked crab, and snow crab, and king crab. It's a pity I'm allergic to shellfish. Ross Geller: So, where did you get your undergraduate degree? Professor Spafford: And that's not all I'm allergic to. Ross Geller: Oh, it's not over! Professor Spafford: I'm also allergic to peanuts, and cashews, and almonds, and filberts... Ross Geller: So basically all nuts? Professor Spafford: Interestingly... no. Charlie Wheeler: Kinda playing fast and loose with the word "interesting". Professor Spafford: If you'll excuse me I'm going to use the restroom. Charlie Wheeler: Oh my God!! Ross Geller: I've lost the will to live. Charlie Wheeler: Let's ditch him! Ross Geller: What? Charlie Wheeler: Come on, he's still in the bathroom! I'm begging you! Ross Geller: Oh... ok, fine. But... ehm... I just have one question for you, ehm... When we exit should we walk, or run, or prance, or stroll... Charlie Wheeler: Stop it, stop it! He talks slow but he might pee fast! Ok, let's go!! Ross Geller: Oh, hey you guys! This is Charlie! Charlie, this is Phoebe and my sister, Monica. Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Ross Geller: Yeah, Charlie is gonna be joining my department. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you're a paleonthologist, too! Oh, ok, now, what do you think of Ranion's new theory of species' variegation in segmented arthopods? Charlie Wheeler: Well, I think he's a little out there, but he does have some interesting ideas... Phoebe Buffay: Ah, ah. Charlie Wheeler: Oh, I'm sorry. I'll take this. Excuse me. Ross Geller: Ranion's theory of species variegation? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I saw the article on your coffee table and I memorized the title to freak you out! Monica Geller: So, did you two have fun? Ross Geller: Oh my God, she's great! I mean, we-we have so much in common and she's just cool, and funny... Monica Geller: And I don't know if you've noticed but she's a HOTTY!! HI! Rachel Green: Hey... Hi you guys! Listen, you know what? I'm not feeling really well. I think I can't get out for the play. Ross Geller: Really? Wh-what's wrong? Rachel Green: I don't know! I think it's kind of serious! Oh, you know... I was watching this thing on TV this morning about... Newcastle disease... and I think I might have it!! Charlie Wheeler: Oh, Newcastle disease is a secretion borne virus that only affects chickens and... other poultry. Rachel Green: ... Ok, who is this? Ross Geller: I'm sorry, Rachel, this is Charlie Wealer, she's a collegue. Rachel Green: Oh, hi! I would check your hand but... I'm sure you don't want to get my chicken disease! Monica Geller: Hey, Rachel, Can-can I see you for a sec? Rachel Green: Sure! Oh... Monica Geller: You're not sick! Rachel Green: What? Yes, I am! Monica Geller: Ok, then, why are you... all dressed up?? Rachel Green: When you're sick, you do whatever you can to make yourself feel better! Monica Geller: You just wanna stay home so you can make a move on Joey! Rachel Green: Oh, no, no! I heard you before, that is so not what this is! Monica Geller: Ok, what is this? Rachel Green: Ok! Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof and he sent you guys to the play to get rid of you! Monica Geller: WHAT? Ross Geller: Wh-what's going on? Monica Geller: Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof! Rachel Green: And he didn't want you guys to know about it but I came over here to tell you!! Charlie Wheeler: I thought you came to say you were sick. Rachel Green: Ok professor or detective? Phoebe Buffay: Joey's having a party and he wasn't gonna invite us? Rachel Green: Yeah, and he does it every year! That's why he's sending you to that play! That's why he sent us to that medieval restaurant and to that button factory! Phoebe Buffay: And that horrible museum tour! Ross Geller: No, I arranged that... Joey: Hey you guys, I'm turning in. Have fun. Phoebe Buffay: We know about your party Joey. Joey Tribbiani: What party? Monica Geller: The game's over! Take off your robe! Joey Tribbiani: Ok... I mean... Everyone: No!! Cover it up!! Joey Tribbiani: Nice to meet ya! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Hey alright! Hey, glad you could make it Thanks for coming. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Kyle Lowder! Kyle Lowder: Hi. Monica Geller: I love you! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, that's why I didn't invite you. you have to calm down, alright... go, go get yourself a drink or something... Monica Geller: Oh yeah that's what you want - my inhibitions lowered. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Monica Geller: Oh my God, can you believe we are surrounded by all this? I can barely control myself. Phoebe Buffay: Monica, you might want to remember that you are married. Where is Chandler anyway? Monica Geller: Oh my God! Chandler! Chandler Bing: Where the hell is everybody? Bitter lady: Why don't you like me?! Chapter One: My first period. Monica Geller: Hey! Joey said no autographs! But if she's gettting one, then I want one too: To Monica. And none of this "best wishes" crap. I want "love". Rachel Green: Ok actually Mon, Matthew was just giving me his phone number. Monica Geller: Oh man! If I had known I was coming to this party I never would have gotten married! Matthew Ashford: It was nice to meet you Rachel. Rachel Green: Nice to meet you. Matthew Ashford: Call me. Rachel Green: Ok Monica: We will!! Monica Geller: Look at you with all the guys! Rachel Green: Yeah! Monica Geller: I guess you have forgotten all about Joey? Rachel Green: Yeah, well, I guess I have forgotten about Joey and clearly you've forgotten about Chandler! Monica Geller: Please... Chandler is the love of my life... ... oooh leather pants! Have Mercy! Ross: So, eh... it's probably gonna be hard for you to leave Boston, huh? Charlie Wheeler: Actually, I'm kinda happy to be leaving... I just broke up with someeone. Ross Geller: Ooh... so sad... Still, it can't be easy for you to leave Harvard? Especially after working alongside a Nobel Prize winner like Albert Wintermeyer? Charlie Wheeler: Actually, Alby is the guy I broke up with. Ross Geller: You... you dated Albert Wintermeyer? Charlie Wheeler: Yeah... Ross Geller: ... And you called him Alby!? I mean that's like... like calling Albert Einstein... er... Alby... Charlie Wheeler: Yeah, well, he is a brilliant man. Ross Geller: Eh, you think? I mean, you went out with a guy who improved the accuracy of radiocarbon dating by a factor of 10! Charlie Wheeler: Yes! And while that is everything one looks for in a boyfriend, he had a lot of issues... Ross Geller: Oh! like what?! Oh I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry... it's just that this must be what regular people experience when they watch "Access Hollywood". Charlie Wheeler: Ok, you want the dirt? Alby was seriously insecure. I mean, he was really intimidated by the guy I dated before him. Ross Geller: Who is intimidating to a guy who won the Nobel Prize? Charlie Wheeler: A guy who won two. Ross Geller: Two? Wha...? Don't tell me you dated Benjamin Hobart. Charlie Wheeler: Yeah... for three years. Ross Geller: Oh my God! Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who hasn't won the Nobel Prize? Charlie Wheeler: ... no... bu but there was my first boyfriend Billy. Ross Geller: Oh yeah? no, no Nobel Prizes for him? Charlie Wheeler: No, but he did just win the McArthur genius grant. Ross Geller: Huh... huh... what a loser! Some more wine? Phoebe Buffay: Hey Ross! Rachel Green: How is it going with Charlie? Ross Geller: Oh Great! After I finish my wine I'm going to blow my... eh. average-sized brains out. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, What's the matter? Ross Geller: She... she only dates geniuses and Nobel Prize winners. Oh my God, at the chinese restaurant earlier today, I put chopsticks in my mouth and pretented to be a woolly mammoth. Rachel Green: I always loved that!! Ross Geller: Of course you would, your brains are smaller than mine!! Man, I can't compete with the guys she goes out with, they are so out of my league! oh my God! Phoebe Buffay: Worse? Ross Geller: Oh much, much worse. I did my impression of Joan Rivers as one of the earliest amphibians... "Can we walk"? Oh, you... you like that? Phoebe Buffay: No. Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: Come on! I think this is funny! Bitter Lady: Well, I bet you are all thinkin' "Now would be a really great time for an intermission", huh? Chandler Bing: oh yes, God yes!! Bitter Lady: Well, you're not gonna get one! Because in life there are no intermissions, people. Chapter 7: Divorce is a 4 letter word. How could he leave me?!?! Chandler Bing: I... I don't know... you seem lovely. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Ross, this is one of my co-stars, Dirk. Dirk, this is my good friend Ross. Ross Geller: Nice to meet you. Dirk: Hey! So what show are you on? Ross Geller: Oh, I'm no actor, I'm a professor of palaeontology. Joey: It's a science. Dirk: Oh! Hey well listen, I play a scientist on "Days". And my character has just won the Nobel prize. Joey: Hey Ross, listen, Dirk was wondering about the woman that you brought and if you guys were together, or... Ross Geller: Oh, well no, but I mean, she only goes out with really, really smart guys. Dirk: Hey, I got a 690 on my SATs. Ross Geller: I'd lead with that. Monica: That's it, just sign right on the bra . Joey Tribbiani: Monica! Monica Geller: Don't worry Joe, I won't come next year! Joey: What have you got there? Ross Geller: Just some boys gave me their phone numbers. Joey Tribbiani: Ah, let me see! Damn, that's a lot of guys! Are you a little slutty? Rachel Green: I think I am. Joey Tribbiani: Let me see if I approve any of these clowns. This guy wears a rug . This guy's Canadian . And this guy is in a cult, ok, and it costs you 5,000$ to get to level three and I don't feel any different. Joey: Pass, pass, oh, pass, double-pass, pass... Rachel Green: Why, why, what's wrong with these guys? Joey Tribbiani: Nothing major, it's just that, you know, they're not really good enough for you, and you deserve the best. Rachel Green: Joey, you're so sweet. Joey Tribbiani: That's true. But you know what, it doesn't matter because I already know who you're gonna go home with tonight. Rachel Green: Who ? Joey: Me. Rachel Green: What? Really? Joey Tribbiani: Yes, 'cause we live together, that's a joke! Rachel Green: Oh! Screw it, I didn't get it! Joey Tribbiani: Gotcha. Rachel Green: Oh, Very funny... Joey. Chandler: So, how did you enjoy the play? Monica Geller: Oh my god, honey, I'm so so so so so sorry. Chandler Bing: Well you should be. You missed the most powerful three hours in the history of the theater. Monica Geller: You really liked it? Chandler Bing: Oh yeah! I mean at first I hated it, but why wouldn't I, because as a man I've been trained not to listen! But after chapter 16: "fat, single and ready to mingle", I was uplifted. Monica Geller: Oh really! Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, I had no idea the amazing journey you go through as a woman! Tell me, tell me about your first period! Monica Geller: No! Chandler Bing: Did somebody sign your bra? Monica Geller: So I got it when I was 13... Phoebe Buffay: Hey Ross! So listen, about you and the dinosaur girl, are you really just gonna let a couple of Nobel prizes scare you off? What is that, come on, a piece of paper? Ross Geller: It's actually a 1,000,000$ prize. Phoebe Buffay: Go Charlie! But my point is, ok so she dated them but she also broke up with them. Maybe she's looking to, you know, slum it with some average Joe Phd. Ross Geller: Yeah, maybe. I do have my whole career in front of me. I mean, I can still win a Nobel prize. Although the last two papers I've written were widely discredited. Phoebe Buffay: You're so much more than just brains! You're sweet, and kind, and funny... Ross Geller: And sexy. Phoebe Buffay: Ok well give her a chance to see all of that! Ross Geller: Yeah, you're right, thanks Pheebs, I'm gonna go find her. Phoebe Buffay: Good for you! And hey, I thought your paper on punctuated equilibrium in the Devonian era was top notch! Ross Geller: Stop going through my stuff ! Rachel: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Rachel Green: I just wanted to let you know I've changed my mind: I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna kiss Joey. Monica Geller: No, you can't! Friends hooking up is a bad idea. Rachel Green: Please, what about you and Chandler? Monica Geller: That's different! I was drunk and stupid! Rachel Green: Well hello ! Monica Geller: What about all the guys that you've got the phone numbers from? Why don't you just kiss one of them? Rachel Green: I could, I could but I don't want to! I want to kiss Joey! Monica Geller: Alright . I think it's a big mistake but it's your decision. Rachel Green: I'm gonna do it. Monica Geller: And I can't stop you. Rachel Green: No. Ross: Hey Rach, have you seen Charlie anywhere? Ross: I'm smarter than him! Phoebe Buffay: Hey, thank you so much for these tickets, Chandler. Chandler Bing: Oh well, this was a really important experience for me, and I wanted to share it with you. Monica Geller: Oh, you're so wonderful. Bitter Woman: Why don't you like me! Chapter one: my first period. Chandler Bing: Can't believe you guys bought that, enjoy your slow death .

Monica Geller: It's so weird, how did Joey end up kissing Charlie last night? I thought you'd end up kissing Charlie. Ross Geller: Hey, I thought I'd end up kissing Charlie too ok? But SURPRISE! Chandler Bing: I missed most of the party Charlie's a girl, right? Ross Geller: Yes, she is this new professor of my department that I did not kiss. Rachel Green: I don't know why Joey had to kiss her! I mean, of all the girls at the party, GOD! Ross Geller: Why do you care so much? Monica Geller: Yes Rachel, why do you care so much? Rachel Green: Be-cause Ross is the father of my child! You know... and I... want him to hook up with lots of women! I just... All I'm saying is... I don't think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common. Ross Geller: Oh, I don't know, they seem to have a shared interest in each other's tonsils... Phoebe Buffay: Wow, Joey and a professor! Can you imagine if they had kids and if the kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism... Oh, those nerds will get laaaaaid! Rachel Green: All right, so... Ross, you're ok with all this? I mean... Ross Geller: Yeah, it's no big deal. I mean, I just met her and I'm fine with it... Ross Geller: Oh, God. I forgot how hot she was! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Everyone: Hi! Ross Geller: I'm gonna get some more coffee. Charlie Wheeler: Oh, you know what? I'll come with you! Ross Geller: Ok. Chandler Bing: So, a professor, uh? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! She is cool, and she's so smart! Her mind is totally acrimonious . That's not how she used it...? Charlie Wheeler: I feel like I owe you an explanation. I don't ordinarily go around kissing guys at parties. I'm... well, I'm kind of embarrassed. I really hope you don't think less of me. Ross Geller: Uhm no! Think less of you! No, I don't think less of you. I mean, you saw someone you liked and you kissed them. I mean, those people who like someone and don't kiss them... those-those people are stupid, I hate those people. Charlie Wheeler: You know, actually I'm a little surprised to myself. I mean, Joey is so different from the guys I usually date. I mean, they're all professors, and intellectuals, and paleontologists mostly, you know, very cerebral... Ross Geller: Yeah, I know the type. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, if you wanna grab a bite before work we'd better get acrimonious. No? Am I getting close? Opening credits. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey you guys! Look what I just got. Rachel Green: Oh, OH! Wow, I love those! Where did you get them? Phoebe Buffay: I bought them off Ebay! They used to belong to the late Shania Twain. Rachel Green: Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive! Phoebe Buffay: Oh... then I overpaid. Monica Geller: Hey, what's this? Rachel Green: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new SPA in SOHO. Monica Geller: Oh, you can't show Phoebe this! She hates those corporate massage chains. Rachel Green: Ah, why, now I can't get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of! I can't eat veal, I can't wear fur, I can't go hunting... Monica Geller: Do you wanna go hunting? Rachel Green: Well, I would like to have the option!! Phoebe Buffay: What's up? Hey, Rachel!! Rachel Green: Oh! Phoebe Buffay: No, you can't go there! You know how I feel about these "big massage places"! They're putting people like me out of business! Monica Geller: And she wants to go hunting, too!! Rachel Green: Phoebe, come on, I don't wanna waste it! It would be like throwing away a hundred bucks! Phoebe Buffay: Ok, this is not about the MONEY, ok? It's about... it's about corporate greed destroying our hearts and leaving us... the hollow shells. Rachel Green: I don't care about any of that!! Phoebe Buffay: Well, do you care about friendship? Rachel Green: Oh! Phoebe Buffay: I feel really strongly about this, Rachel. Please, don't use this gift certificate. I'm asking you as a friend. Rachel Green: Oh, not as a friend, Phoebe!! Fine, I won't use it! Phoebe Buffay: Promise? Rachel Green: I promise. Phoebe Buffay: Thank you. Rachel Green: But I am going hunting!! Monica Geller: Hey honey! I missed you today! Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah? Monica Geller: Yeah. What d'you wanna do tonight? Chandler Bing: Oh, well... Maybe we could... Monica Geller: Ok, trying to turn me on by making a mess? Know your audience! Besides, tomorrow we're doing those fertility tests and until then you need to keep your tadpoles in the tank. Chandler Bing: We really need to take those tests? Monica Geller: Honey, we've been trying to have a baby for over a year. I think it's a good idea to find out if everything's ok. Just a few routine tests. Chandler Bing: But I don't wanna do it in a cup! Monica Geller: What is the big deal? Chandler Bing: It's weird! In a doctor's office? Monica Geller: It's not ok to do it in a doctor's office but it is ok to do it in a parked car behind a Taco Bell? Chandler Bing: I cannot believe Ross told you that! And in my defense, it was a Wendy's! Monica Geller: Look, I don't wanna do this test either, but I really do think it's a good idea! Chandler Bing: Yeah, ok. I'm sure that doctor's office can't be worst than on a class trip to the Hershey's factory! Monica Geller: OH! Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah! RACHEL TALKS TOO! Joey Tribbiani: Who says that wine has to cost more than milk! Joey Tribbiani: Heeey! Charlie Wheeler: Hi! Joey Tribbiani: Come on in, how are ya? Charlie Wheeler: I'm good! Joey Tribbiani: Can I offer you a drink? Charlie Wheeler: Please, I've been crazed all day! I had a meeting with the Dean, and my syllabus for summer school is due and I'm writing the Foreword for a friend's book... Joey Tribbiani: Uh-oh. I hade a pretty hectic day at work too, today I had to open a door and go ohhhh! Charlie Wheeler: So I am just so excited to be here. And I can't wait to start exploring the city! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, if you need a tour guide... Charlie Wheeler: Oh, you mean it? That would be so fun! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, definitely, definitely. Ok, what do you wanna see first? Charlie Wheeler: Oh, well, we can go see the Chronos Quartet at the Avery Fisher Hall. Joey Tribbiani: Ok! Charlie Wheeler: And there is a collection of Walt Whitman letters on display at the public library. Joey Tribbiani: I know, yeah! Charlie Wheeler: And first, I have to see the MET! Joey Tribbiani: Ok, let me stop you right there. The Mets suck, ok? You wanna see the Yankees. Charlie Wheeler: No, no, no, not the Mets, the MET, singular! Joey Tribbiani: Which one, they all suck! Charlie Wheeler: The museum! Joey Tribbiani: I don't think so. Rachel Green: Hi there! Receptionist: Hello, welcome to Lavender Day Spa SPA. How may I help you? Rachel Green: Oh, hi. I have a massage appointment under Rachel Green, and here is my gift certificate. Receptionist: This has been torn up. Rachel Green: And... taped back together. Receptionist: Ok well, I'll call you as soon as your massage therapist is ready. Rachel Green: Ok. Receptionist: Have a seat through the glass doors. Rachel Green: through the glass doors. Receptionist: Through the glass doors. Rachel Green: Alright-y then. Receptionist: Phoebe, your next client's in the waiting room. Phoebe Buffay: Ok. Do we have to talk like that then they're not around? Oh, no, no! Listen, is there someone who can fill in for me? Receptionist: Sorry, everyone is booked! Phoebe Buffay: But that woman can't know I work here. She's a friend of mine and I made this big stink about how awful this massage chains are. Receptionist: Then why you work here? Phoebe Buffay: 'Cause it's good money! But that doesn't change the fact that this is an evil blood sucking corporate machine! Receptionist: Well, I think this is a great place to work! Phoebe Buffay: Ok, are they listening? Joey Tribbiani: Ross! Ross Geller: Hi! Joey Tribbiani: I need to talk to you about Charlie. Ross Geller: Oh, do you, do you really? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I'm... I'm kind of having a little problem. Ross Geller: Look, if you don't know what the word "acrimonious" means, just don't use it! Joey Tribbiani: No, look, you know Charlie, right? She's cool, she's funny, her body is soo... Ross Geller: Get to the problem! Joey Tribbiani: Yes. It's just that she's so much smarter than all the girls I've ever dated! Combined! I don't want her to think I'm stupid! Ross Geller: Are you wearing two belts? Joey Tribbiani: EH, what do you know! Ross Geller: You were saying you didn't want to seem stupid. Joey Tribbiani: Right, right, right, well, she wants to go to all this cultural places and I don't know how to talk about that stuff. You gotta help me out! Ross Geller: You know, I really don't want to get involved in you guy's relationship. Joey Tribbiani: Please, c'mon, you're the smartest person I know and I really like this girl, ok, I don't wanna lose her. Ross Geller: Fine. Joey Tribbiani: Thanks. Ross Geller: Ok. Let's see. Oh, you should take her to the MET! Joey Tribbiani: The Metsss! Ross Geller: Oh, no! The MET! The Metropolitan Museum of Art. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, that's what she meant! You know, if they're gonna shorten it, they should call it the MUSE! You know, short for museum, and avoid all the confusion! Ross Geller: Yeah, most of it it's a place packed with confused angry baseball fans! Joey Tribbiani: Ok, all right, so I'll take her to the MET. Ross Geller: Yeah, uh, uh, ok, there's this great rare bookstore on Madison Avenue. You know what? She loves architecture, you know what you should do? You should take a walk down fifth to the Saint Patrick's Cathedral and there there's this great little pastry shop that she'd love. Joey Tribbiani: Geez, sounds like you should be going on this date! Ross Geller: But I'm not! . You know what if you're in the mood for Thai food... Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, you go way too fast. Ok? Just go back to the MET, ok? Ross Geller: Ok. Joey Tribbiani: You got to tell me exactly what to do there. Ross Geller: Ok, when you walk in the museum, take the right, that's the antiquities wing. Ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia, up to the Byzantine Empire. Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! So, I walk in the door and make the right. Chandler Bing: I have a weird feeling about this place. How do I know that they are not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the internet. Monica Geller: Because, honey, I mean this in the sweetest way possible, nobody is gonna wanna watch that. Nurse: Mr. Bing? Here you are! You'll go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container. Chandler Bing: Deposit my specimen? You know, usually I have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk. Thanks, got it. Monica Geller: Hey, honey, my test is down the hall, are you sure you're going to be ok? Chandler Bing: Yeah, I guess! Monica Geller: I know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares! No one here even knows you! Janice Litman Goralnik: OH MY GOD!! Chandler Bing: Oh, Come on! Janice Litman Goralnik: Ah ahahahhahaa! How great is this! Monica Geller: Hey, we're probably fertile, let's go home! Chandler Bing: Why are you here? Janice Litman Goralnik: Well, Sid and I are trying again and we had trouble last time because apparently we... Chandler Bing: No no no... I mean, why? why is she here?? Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh! Someone's a little cranky today cuz they have to do it in a cup! Oh! They gave you the kiddy size . Chandler Bing: What!? Monica Geller: This was fun! But I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to! Chandler Bing: I'd love to stay, but I have eh... got a hot date... Janice Litman Goralnik: Please... go! Just let me know if you need a hand! Chandler Bing: I think it just fell off. Phoebe Buffay: Hello "ja", it's time for your massage, ja! Put your face in the hole. Rachel Green: Wow, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, then I'm Swedish... Monica Geller: So, what's your name? Phoebe Buffay: It's a normal Swedish name... Ikea... Rachel Green: Oh... what an interesting name. Phoebe Buffay: Ja! Rachel Green: You know I... Phoebe Buffay: Time for your scalp massage! Rachel Green: Wow... I really love your... Phoebe Buffay: Is something wrong? Rachel Green: No, it's just that uhm... it feels so good... Ikea... Yeah, say hey, you'll know this, what's the capital of Sweden? Phoebe Buffay: Uhm... Stockholm. Rachel Green: Damn! I wish I knew if that was right! Joey Tribbiani: Note the painterly lines and subtle impasto on this canvas. Monet painted quickly and usually outdoors as his elusive subject was light itself. Ross Geller: Now, do you have any idea what you just said? Joey Tribbiani: No, no, my mouth says the words, my brain is thinking monster trucks! Ross Geller: Ok now, remember, when you get to the museum, Monet is not spelt M-O-N-A-Y. I just... I wrote that out phonetically for you. Joey Tribbiani: Phonetically? Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah that means... you know? We just... we don't have time for this. Joey Tribbiani: Ok. Ross Geller: Ok, but you know what? I gotta say, I'm really impressed that you were able to memorize all this so quickly! Joey Tribbiani: Ah! I'm an actor! I can memorize anything! Last week on "Days" I had to say "Frontal temporal zygomatic craniotomy". Ross Geller: Wow. What does that mean? Joey Tribbiani: No idea! But the guy I said it to dies in the next scene so I guess it means "you're gonna get eaten by a bear". Ross Geller: Ok! So let's move on to the Renaissance? Joey Tribbiani: Ok, Caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here to highlight the anguish of the central figure. Touch it, it's really bumpy! . Ross Geller: Nah ah! Nah ah! No no no! No ad-libbing and dude, you can't touch the paintings. Joey Tribbiani: Come on! you... Ross Geller: No! Chandler Bing: My specimen is in the room and I just want to thank whoever knocked on the door while I was in there. Really helped speed the process along! Janice! You're not... gone? Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh! Sid is still in his room. I don't allow porn at home so this is like a vacation for him. So did you do it? Did you make your deposit? Chandler Bing: Yeah! yeah... The hard part is over! Janice Litman Goralnik: That's not the hard part honey! The hard part is what comes next, I mean aren't you worried about the results? Chandler Bing: I haven't... I haven't even thought about the results yet... I just assumed that everything was gonna be ok. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh! Well, you know what? It probably is. Chandler Bing: Yeah, but what if it's not? What if there is a reason why we can't have a baby? Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, Chandler, look. You and Monica are meant to have children. I am sure it's gonna be just fine. Chandler Bing: oh, oh, yeah, ok, thanks. I can't believe I didn't even think of that. I guess I was just so worried about having to... come here and do... 'that'... Janice Litman Goralnik: What, you can do it in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, but you can't do it at a doctor's office? Chandler Bing: It was a "Wendy's!! " Phoebe Buffay: "Ipan Stripan, Glupi Glabi! " And that is the Swedish National Anthem! Thank you for asking! Rachel Green: Wow, Ikea... what a rich culture. Uhm, you know what? I have a friend who is a masseuse. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, Ja! Ja! Rachel Green: Yah! She's... uhm... not very good though... Phoebe Buffay: Uhu, uhu... and why do you think that is? Rachel Green: I don't know... maybe it's because she has got such callousy fingers from playing crummy guitar... Phoebe Buffay: Or... maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're such a high maintenance tight ass! Rachel Green: Phoebe!! Phoebe Buffay: You know it's me? Rachel Green: For like a half an hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden! Phoebe Buffay: How can you come here? Rachel Green: How could you not tell me you worked here? Phoebe Buffay: I don't have to tell you everything! Rachel Green: Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage! Phoebe Buffay: Tips not included. Rachel Green: Oh! Phoebe, why did you lie to me about working here? Phoebe Buffay: Because I was ashamed ok? I sold out for the cash! And then they give me benefits like medical, and dental, and a 401K. But you know... you pay a price. Now I'm this Corporate stooge and punching a clock and Ugh! paying taxes! Rachel Green: Phoebe, honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there right now and quit! Be true to what you believe in! Honey, you have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any! Phoebe Buffay: You know what? You are right. I am gonna quit. It's time I took my life back! Rachel Green: Good for you Pheebs! Phoebe Buffay: Ok. Phoebe Buffay: Okay If you guys have microphones in there too, I didn't mean any of that. I love you. Ross Geller: Haha! Got ya! Die, die, die! Ross Geller: Respectfully, professor R. Geller. , closes the laptop and joins Charlie on the sofa) Hey! Charlie Wheeler: Hi! Ross Geller: Hey, how was the Met? Charlie Wheeler: The museum was amazing! Ross Geller: Yeah? Joey really knows his art, huh? Charlie Wheeler: Not so much, no. He had clearly memorized all the stuff to say, and some of it didn't even make any sense. Ross Geller: What do you mean? Charlie Wheeler: Well, for one, he was talking about paintings that were nowhere around. Ross Geller: Wait a minute... when you guys walked into the Met, did you go to the right? Charlie Wheeler: No, we went to the left. Ross Geller: Oh Joey, Joey! But still, I mean, it seems like you guys are having a great time together. Charlie Wheeler: Yeah, it's fun . Ross Geller: What? Charlie Wheeler: Actually, you know, Joey is your friend, and you don't really know me that well; it would be weird. Ross Geller: What, I mean, a little, but no, what, go on. Charlie Wheeler: Well... I'm just thinking that maybe he's not the right guy to be with right now, maybe I should be with someone... I have more in common with. You know what I mean? Ross Geller: Yeah. But you know what? I think you should give Joey a chance. I mean, he's a great guy, and sure he doesn't know that much about art but you know, you can always talk about that with someone else. Charlie Wheeler: Yeah, I guess that's true. Ross Geller: And if you think about it, I mean the reason he memorized all that stuff is because he thought it was important to you. You know, that's the kind of guy Joey is. Charlie Wheeler: He is very sweet. Plus he's hot! Ross Geller: That was going to be my next argument. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey! Charlie Wheeler: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: You're ready? Charlie Wheeler: Yeah, let's go. Thanks Ross. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Ross! That art stuff worked, you hooked me up. Ross Geller: Glad I could help man. Joey Tribbiani: Although some of that stuff wasn't where you said it was gonna be, but... I made it work. Chandler Bing: It is not okay that I'm aroused by this now. Chandler Bing: Hello? Oh hi, Doctor Connelly. No, she's not here but, you know, I can tell her. Should I be sitting down for this? Oh. Well, so what does that mean? Ok. Ok, thank you. Thanks. Monica Geller: Hey sweetie. Chandler Bing: Doctor Connelly just called. Monica Geller: With good news? Of course it is not good news, you just said "Doctor Connelly just called". If it was good news you would have said "Doctor Connelly just called! " But so what is it? Is there a problem, uh? Is there a problem with me or with you? Chandler Bing: Actually it's both of us. Monica Geller: What? Chandler Bing: Apparently my sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment. Monica Geller: Oh... what does that mean? Chandler Bing: It means that my guys won't get off their barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do. It means... Monica Geller: Chandler? Chandler Bing: It means that we can keep trying, but there's a good chance this may never happen for us. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Chandler Bing: I'm sorry. Monica Geller: I'm sorry too. Chandler Bing: Well, we're gonna... we're gonna figure this out. Monica Geller: I know. Closing credits. Receptionist: Good morning Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: Good morning receptionist. Receptionist: Here's your schedule for the day. Your first client is in room No. 1. Phoebe Buffay: Rachel Green? Son of a bitch, she came back? Phoebe Buffay: Are you ready for your Scottish massage? Put your face in the hole, lassy.

Charlie Wheeler: Oh! That feels sooo good! Rachel Green: Oh, lucky me! Coffee and a live sex show! Charlie Wheeler: I'm sorry, what? Rachel Green: Oh... Oh, I'm sorry! I'm not... I was just-I was just reading to Emma. Charlie Wheeler: From... Cosmo?? Rachel Green: Yeah, yeah... It's... "climax your way to better skin". Charlie Wheeler: So, I have to go shopping today, which is my least favourite thing, I'm soo bad at picking out clothes! Joey Tribbiani: So you need someone who knows fashion, to tell you what looks good. Rachel Green: Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me! Joey Tribbiani: Oh hey Rach! Rachel Green: Yeah... Joey Tribbiani: Maybe you could take Charlie shopping. Rachel Green: Oh, well... Charlie Wheeler: I'm sure you have better things to do. Joey Tribbiani: Are you kidding? Rachel loves to shop! And she has great taste! Yeah, she's the one who taught me, you don't wear white after labour day and that you always, always, always have to put on underwear when you're trying on clothes. Charlie Wheeler: If you have the time, I'd really appreciate the help. Rachel Green: Ok, uh-uh... Let's-Let's shop!! Joey Tribbiani: Ok, you're gonna come back with some very classy clothes... ... and some slutty lingerie, SLUTTY! Phoebe Buffay: Ok, great! All right, bye! Pain in the ass!! That's off, right? Joey Tribbiani: What's the matter, Pheebs? Phoebe Buffay: Oh... Mike's sister just invited me to a party tonight, he's gonna be there. And she was like "Oh, don't worry! I asked him. He's totally ok with seeing you!". So now I have to go so he'll think that I'm totally ok with seeing him! Rachel Green: Which you're not, because you've totally hung up on him! Phoebe Buffay: Exactly! Rachel Green: And you're gonna want him to eat his heart out so you're gonna have to look fabulous! Phoebe Buffay: I didn't even think about that! Aaargh, sexual politics!! Rachel Green: Hey Pheebs, I'm-I'm taking Charlie shopping, why don't you come and I'll help you find something. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, that'll be great! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, ain't that nice? The three of you trying on slutty lingerie together. Rachel Green: That's not what we're gonna do! Joey Tribbiani: Why would you ruin it, who was that hurtin'? Chandler Bing: Wow! Fortunately she has a very pretty face! Monica Geller: Oh, I so can't believe this! My uterus is an inhospitable environment? I was trying so hard to be a good hostess! Chandler Bing: Oh, I can't believe my sperm have low motility because, let me tell you, when I was growing up they sure seem to be in a hurry to get places!! Doctor Connelly: Hi there. Chandler Bing: Hi. Monica Geller: Hi. Doctor Connelly: I'm sorry there wasn't better news from your test last week but I wanted to talk to you about your options. Monica Geller: Ok. Doctor Connelly: Above all, even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know! So, keep having sex on a regular basis. Chandler Bing: Oh, DAMN IT! Monica Geller: Don't worry, after a while he'll tune it out. Doctor Connelly: Ok, given your situation, the options with the greatest chances for success would be surrogacy, or insemination using a sperm donor. Monica Geller: Ok. Doctor Connelly: And, of course, if you feel that neither of those is right for you, you can always adopt. Chandler Bing: Is that a hint? Because we love you Doctor Connelly but we don't think we'd want you to be our child! Wow, talking about an inhospitable environment! Rachel Green: Hi! Ok, you're ready to go pick up Phoebe and go shopping? Charlie Wheeler: Oh, yeah! Let's do it! Joey Tribbiani: Alright, have a good time. Rachel Green: Not gonna find any clothes in there! Ross Geller: Hey, you guys! Rachel Green: Hi. Ross Geller: Guess who's up for keynote speaker at the National Paleontology Conference? Charlie Wheeler: Umh... Kurts Baley? Ross Geller: Yeah, right! What was last time he met a submission deadline for an abstract Well, why are you laughing? Joey Tribbiani: Just... seeing what it'd be like to be a paleontologist... it's fun, yeah! Charlie Wheeler: So you're up for keynote speaker! Who's making the decisions? Ross Geller: Professor Sherman, yeah. I've a meeting with him today. Charlie Wheeler: He's a pretty tough guy to impress. Ross Geller: Yeah, well... I think I know how to dazzle him. Rachel Green: Oh... you're not gonna do a magic trick, are ya? Ross Geller: Tsz... NO! . Chandler Bing: Hey guys! Ross Geller: Wait a minute, you guys. Oh, I wanna ask you something. I-I I may get to speak at this paleontology convention and if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me. Chandler Bing: I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff and/or are sick. Ross Geller: It's in Barbados. Chandler Bing: But you come first! Rachel Green: I'm there! Charlie Wheeler: We'll see you, guys! Joey Tribbiani: Bye. Rachel Green: Bye, see ya. Chandler Bing: Ok. Joey Tribbiani: All right, so. How did it go at the fertility clinic? Chandler Bing: Not as much fun as last time. Apparently you only get porn if you're giving a sperm sample. Ross Geller: So-so what did the doctor say? Chandler Bing: Well... there's surrogacy, but Monica has dreamt her whole life of carrying a child, she has felt that watching a surrogate would be... too hard for her. Joey Tribbiani: So you're ruling out surrogacy? Chandler Bing: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: So, I don't have to learn what that means? Chandler Bing: Aside from adoption the only other choice is insemination, so... we're talking about sperm donors. Joey Tribbiani: Enough said, I'm there for you man. Where is she, upstairs? Chandler Bing: ah-ha! Ross Geller: How do you feel about all this? Chandler Bing: I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child but I don't think there is one. Joey Tribbiani: Come on Ross, be a good guy. Step up and do it! Ross Geller: What? Ross Geller: What? NO! I am not going to give them Ben! Ross Geller: The data we are receiving from MRI scans and DNA testing of these fossils are - are staggering. Professor Sherman: Mmm-mm. Ross Geller: I mean, we've been accepting Leakey's dates as a given, but if they're off by even a hundred thousand years or so then you can - you can just throw most of our assumptions, you know, right in the trash. So-so what I am saying is - is is that is that the repercussions could be huge! I mean, not just in palaeontology, but if-if you think about it, in evolutionary biology, uh, genetics, geology, uh, I mean, truly the mind boggles! Ross Geller: Oh, that's not what you want... Shop Assistant: Incentive For Men? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'll take some of that. Rachel Green: Pheebs, that's for men! Phoebe Buffay: No, I know, this way when I go to the party later Mike will know I am over him cause I'm gonna smell like another guy. Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Ok. Oh good, I'm dating a Russian cab driver. . Seriously does anyone buy this? I smell like beets! Charlie Wheeler: So, you know what, I really like those jackets with the shoulder pads on them. Where do you think those would be? Rachel Green: On Melanie Griffith in "Working girl". I think what you want is over here. Charlie Wheeler: See, I told you I needed someone! Oh, you know, by the way, as a "thank you", I would really love to take you out. Rachel Green: Really? Charlie Wheeler: Yeah! Actually Joey and I are going to the movies tonight, wanna come? Rachel Green: Oh, I can't. Because I-I've seen them. Charlie Wheeler: You've seen all the movies... Rachel Green: Yeah! I'm a big fan! Of the movies, you know. Motion pictures. The Talkies! Phoebe Buffay: Hey Rach, will you come with me to a dressing room? Rachel Green: Sure! Phoebe Buffay: Ok! Charlie Wheeler: Wha, you know, maybe we can do something else! Rachel Green: You know that depends on what it is! I've done a lot of stuff. Phoebe Buffay: So what were you doing out there, do you not like Charlie? Rachel Green: She's ok, I just don't get a really good vibe from her! Phoebe Buffay: Why? Rachel Green: I don't know, you know, just the way she waltzed in here all smart, and tall! You know, and just swept Joey off his feet... I mean, nobody else has a chance! Phoebe Buffay: Who else? Rachel Green: Anybody! You, me, you know, Monica's mom... Phoebe Buffay: You like Joey? Rachel Green: Shhhhh! Phoebe! All right, look. I have a little thing for him. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Rachel Green: It's just physical and I have it totally under control! Ok? It's just, when I see them together, sometimes I just get a little jealous! Phoebe Buffay: Uh, wow! Isn't it ironic that he liked you and now you like him? Rachel Green: Oh, I get it! Phoebe Buffay: Oh well, as long as it is under control, you know, you can't do anything about it, he's already dating her, and she is a nice person, that wouldn't be right. Rachel Green: I know, I know, so it is just not a big deal. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Rachel Green: So can we keep this between us? Phoebe Buffay: Sure! Rachel Green: Ok, great, because I gotta get out of here, the smell of beets is killing me! Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Phoebe Buffay: Any chance Charlie has a deaf twin? Monica Geller: Hi honey! Chandler Bing: Hey! Look I brought a friend for dinner, this is Zack, from work! Monica Geller: Oh, of course, it's so nice to see you again, Zack! Zack: You too. Chandler Bing: You guys haven't actually met before, but, boy! You're both polite! Go to have a seat Zack, and I'll get you a beer. Monica Geller: I got it. Zack: Thanks. Chandler Bing: So, Zack's pretty nice, uh? Monica Geller: Yeah, I guess. Chandler Bing: So, how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his! Monica Geller: Excuse me? Chandler Bing: Well, we're talking about sperm donors and Zack may be the guy! I mean, look, he's intelligent, he's healthy, he's athletic, I mean, he is "spermtastic"! Monica Geller: Chandler, this is crazy! What did you even say to him! "Come up, meet my wife! Give us your sperm"! Chandler Bing: No, I invited him to dinner so you could get a chance to get to know him! I mean, if we go through a sperm bank you never meet the guy, get to check him out. Monica Geller: Chandler! Chandler Bing: I'm telling you, he's great! I mean, even if my sperm worked fine, I'd think he'd be the way to go! Monica Geller: I'm not going to be a part of this! You can't just bring some random guy at home and expect him to be our sperm donor! Chandler Bing: Ok! Monica Geller: Uh! Chandler Bing: Zack! Zack: Thanks! Do you have a coaster? I don't wanna make a ring. Monica Geller: Tell me about yourself, Zack! Rachel Green: Oh, God, do you think she heard? It would be so bad if she heard! Phoebe Buffay: Well, maybe she didn't hear! Ok I'm gonna go into that dressing room, you stay in here and I'll talk and see if you can hear me. Rachel Green: Ok, great! Rachel Green: Oh, thank God I can't hear a word that you're saying! Phoebe Buffay: I didn't say anything yet! Rachel Green: Well, get back in there and talk! Phoebe Buffay: I'm Rachel. It's so annoying when I put Emma on the phone to talk with my friends. Rachel Green: What!? Phoebe Buffay: Well, some things are just hard to say to your face. Rachel Green: Ok well, I heard that! Which means that she heard it too! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh! We have a problem. Rachel Green: Oh! What are we gonna do? Stranger: Just be honest with her. Rachel Green: Oh my God! Stranger: And it is annoying when parents put their baby on the phone... Rachel Green: Alright! Enough out of you! Joey Tribbiani: Hello? Ross Geller: Joey! Hey, I need to talk to Charlie. Is she there? Joey Tribbiani: No. no... eh... she went shopping with Rachel. Why? What's up? Ross Geller: I'm meeting with professor Sherman about my being the keynote speaker... Joey Tribbiani: Oh! How's it going? Ross Geller: It could be better! He, uhm... he fell asleep! Joey Tribbiani: What!? But I already bought my ticket to Bermuda! Ross Geller: Barbados. Joey Tribbiani: Fine, I'll rent a car and drive...! Ross, you have to get that job! Ross Geller: What am I supposed to do? He's out cold! In fact he was just talking in his sleep before and evidently he wants someone named Fran to spank him harder. Joey Tribbiani: Well, just wake him up! Ross Geller: I can't! If he realizes that I'm the one that put him to sleep, I won't get the job! Joey Tribbiani: Uh! That's a tough one. Oh! Wait a minute, this happened to me before! Yeah, I was auditioning for a play and the producer fell asleep and... no wait a minute... it was me who fell asleep... Yeah I mean hey, Shakespeare, how about a chase scene once in a while!? Monica Geller: Hey guys! Dinner's ready! Zack: Oh! I'm gonna go wash up first. Thanks! Chandler Bing: So what do you think? I want that guys genes for my kid! Those eyes, those cheeckbones! Monica Geller: Ok, there's enthusiastic and there's just plain gay!! Chandler Bing: You don't like him. Monica Geller: I think he is fine! It's just that we don't know anything real about him... we should get more information. Chandler Bing: Alright! Just follow my lead! Zack: You guys have such a great place here. Chandler Bing: Oh! Thanks, I'm crazy about our place. Hey! speaking of crazy... do you have a history of mental illness in the family? Zack: Uhm... no. Although I did have an uncle who voted for Dukakis. Chandler Bing: That's really not the kind of thing we are looking for Zack. Zack: Okaaay... so eh... so tell me, how did you guys meet. Monica Geller: Oh, friends first, drunk in London, you know the story. I've got a better question for you: Do you or any of your blood relatives have diabetes? Zack: No... Monica Geller: Eh... Heart Disease, Alzheimers, gout? Zack: You guys don't have people for dinner a lot, huh? Monica Geller: We're just making conversation. Zack: Ok. I heard a joke today. It's pretty funny... Chandler Bing: You know what's not funny? Male Pattern Baldness. Zack: Ok listen, you guys have shown a lot of interest in me tonight and I'm flattered and... and quite frankly a little frightened. Can we just talk about something else? Zack: Ravioli's delicious! Chandler Bing: I noticed you were enjoying that Ravioli with a beautiful set of teeth. Did you have braces as a child? Zack: No I didn't. Monica Geller: Yess!! Chandler Bing: We're teeth people Zack! Rachel Green: Alright! Let's just do it. Let's just go over there and see if she heard. Phoebe Buffay: Good plan. Rachel Green: Ok. Wha...? where? Where are you going? Phoebe Buffay: Oh! I'm sorry Rachel, I don't have time for your childish games, ok? I still have to go find something incredible to wear so I can beat Mike at "who's more over who"! Rachel Green: Hey, hi! Hey, where've you been? Charlie Wheeler: Oh! trying on clothes. Rachel Green: Oh! Wi... in the dres... in the dressing room!? Well, that's so weird! Phoebe and I were just trying on clothes in the dressing room. God it's just such a small world! Charlie Wheeler: Rachel... I heard you guys whispering. Rachel Green: Oh God. You did. You heard. Ok, listen, let me explain. Charlie Wheeler: No! There's nothing to explain. I heard you. Phoebe likes Joey. Rachel Green: Yeah. Charlie Wheeler: It's just that... I don't understand it... I mean, Phoebe likes Joey and then she comes here to buy a dress to impress another guy...? Rachel Green: Yeah! That's Phoebe. That's Phoebe. You know, she just wants them all! It's like she's a nympho! Charlie Wheeler: Wow! Rachel Green: Yeah... Charlie Wheeler: You know, by the way. I heard you tell her not to do anything. Thanks for sticking up for me. You are such a nice person. Rachel Green: I try... Ross Geller: Oh my God! You really want me to be the keynote speaker? Thank you! Professor Feesen: You're welcome. Joey Tribbiani: Wow! You look... ... stop-eating hot! Which is like the highest level of hotness! Phoebe Buffay: Are you sure? Because I'm really dreading going to this party. Joey Tribbiani: Then don't go! Phoebe Buffay: Mike knows I'm coming, and if I don't show up he'll think it's because of him! And I don't want to lose face! That's a very serious thing in my culture. Joey Tribbiani: Alright, then you go to that party and you pretend to be over Mike. And afterward you come to my place and I'll get you good and drunk! Phoebe Buffay: You got it! Ok. But not on the wine that you made, ok, because I just don't want to go back to the Emergency Room. Phoebe Buffay: David? David: Phoebe! Hi! Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! David: Wow, you look unbelievable. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. What-what are you doing here? David: Well, I'm back from Minsk... permanently. Phoebe Buffay: What happened? David: Well, remember how I was trying to achieve the positronic distillation of subatomic particles? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? David: Well, after eight years of research I discovered that it can't be done. Phoebe Buffay: Well, it's great that you're back! How are you? David: Good, good, life is good... Phoebe Buffay: Good! David: Ah well, I-I'm seeing someone. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, good for you. David: She's also a scientist, so she's very smart and pretty and... well, it's actually because of you, really, that we're together, I mean, I saw what you had with that Mike guy, and I just said "Boy, I want that". Phoebe Buffay: Mike and I broke up. David: You're kidding me. Because I'm not seeing anybody, I've just totally made that up. Phoebe Buffay: Really? David: Yeah, I don't know why, I'm sorry, I guess I just didn't want to lose face. Phoebe Buffay: I understand. Yeah. Ok so then ok, so we're both living in New York, not seeing anyone. That's so not like us! David: Yeah, I know. Well... this is probably a stupid question, seeing that you look like that, but do you have some place that you need to be right now? Phoebe Buffay: Well... no. David: Do you wanna get a drink? Phoebe Buffay: I'd love to. David: Great. Phoebe Buffay: Ok. David: Do you smell beets? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, got it, stay upwind of me. Charlie Wheeler: Hey, there's Phoebe! Is that Mike she's with? Rachel Green: No, that's David. Charlie Wheeler: There's a third guy? Rachel Green: Tip of the iceberg. Zack: I'm gonna take off now. You're gonna let me go home, aren't you? Chandler Bing: You sure you don't wanna stick around a little longer? Zack: No, no, I should get home, I'm kinda tired. Chandler Bing: Are you just tired now or are you always tired, 'cause that could be a sign of clinical depression. Zack: No it's just tiring having to figure out the age at which all my grandparents died. I'll see you tomorrow. Chandler Bing: Ok. Chandler Bing: I think we've found our sperm! Monica Geller: Does seem pretty perfect. Chandler Bing: Yeah, you think so, well? Should I ask him? Monica Geller: No. Chandler Bing: Why not, just because his great-grandmother was obese, our kids are gonna get that from you anyway! Monica Geller: No, that's not it. It's just that when we were asking him all those questions before, I just... I just realized I don't care if he's the most perfect guy in the world... he's not you. Chandler Bing: Yeah, he's better! Monica Geller: No, he's not. And if I can't get pregnant with you, then I don't want to get pregnant by... him or anyone else. Chandler Bing: Really? Are you sure? Monica Geller: Yeah, I'm sure. Chandler Bing: Thank God, because I don't wanna do this either. You know, I was just doing because I thought that was what you wanted to do. You know, I'm the husband, I'm supposed to... bring the sperm. Monica Geller: That is so sweet. I love you. Chandler Bing: So you know this leaves us with... Monica Geller: Adoption. Chandler Bing: How do you feel about that? Monica Geller: I think I feel ok about it. Actually I think I feel really good about it. Chandler Bing: Me too. I wanna find a baby that needs a home and I wanna raise it with you. And I wanna mess it up in our own specific way. Monica Geller: So this is it, we're really gonna adopt? Chandler Bing: Yeah. Monica Geller: Oh my God, we're gonna be parents! Chandler Bing: We are gonna be great parents. Monica Geller: And it could be soon. I mean, think about it: right now, somewhere out there our baby could be being conceived. Chandler Bing: Wait, if we're lucky, and we're really really really quiet, we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking! Chandler Bing: Hey, Zack! Zack: Hey Chandler. Chandler Bing: Look, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I got the feeling we made you a little uncomfortable. Zack: No you didn't. Chandler Bing: Really? Zack: No you did. Chandler Bing: My wife and I have some boundary issues, you know, sometimes we ask inappropriate questions. We're working on it. Jeanette: Here are the boards for Friday's pitch . Zack: Oh, thank you. Chandler Bing: You wouldn't know if Jeanette's planning on keeping her baby, would ya?

Joey Tribbiani: Hey! I'm all packed and ready to go! Ross Geller: Oh, that's right! Daddy and uncle Joey are going on a trip today. We're going to a conference in Barbados, right? Joey Tribbiani: Mmh-mmh. Ross Geller: Can you say Barbados? Joey Tribbiani: Barbados! Ross Geller: Ok, I gotta say. I mean, it means so much to me that you guys are coming all the way over there to hear me do my speech! UH! And I've a surprise, uh... I had to pull some strings but I was able to get everyone passes to the entire conference! That's right! This babies will get you into all the paleontology lectures and seminars. Rachel Green: Do you have anything that would... get us out of them? Chandler Bing: Yeah Ross, I mean... we're excited to hear the speech but the rest of the time we're gonna wanna do, you know, "island's stuff". Phoebe Buffay: I think David would probably wanna hear a few lectures. Ross Geller: Oh, right, because he's a scientist! Phoebe Buffay: No, no, because, you know, he's been in Minsk for 8 years and if he gets too much direct sunlight, he'll die. Ross Geller: Ok, we gotta go, yeah? So, we'll see you guys tomorrow. Joey Tribbiani: All right, let's do it! 5 hour flight with Charlie, have a couple of drinks, get under that blanket and do what comes naturally. Ross Geller: It's a blanket Joe, not a cloak of invisibility! Charlie Wheeler: Wow! This place is beautiful! Ross Geller: Look at all these paleontologists!! Joey Tribbiani: I know, there are gonna be some pasty folks by the pool tomorrow! Woman: Oh my God, I can't believe you're here! Joey Tribbiani: I think I've been recognized, this happens all the time! Woman: Doctor Geller, I'm such a huge fan! Joey Tribbiani: That... never happens... Woman: I've been following your career for years, I-I can't wait for your keynote speech. Ross Geller: Wow! This is very flattering, uh... Woman: I would love your autograph. Ross Geller: Uh, uh... Sure! Uhm... "Dear..." Woman: Sarah. Ross Geller: "... Sarah. I dig you", Uh? "Doctor Ross Geller". Sarah: Thank you so much! Ross Geller: Yeah, oh and Sarah... I'd like to introduce you to my colleague, uh, Professor Wheeler, a-and this is Joey Tribbiani. Sarah: Are you a paleontologist? Joey Tribbiani: No, God, no! No! No no, I'm an actor. You'd probably recognize me from a little show called "The Days of Our Lives". Ross Geller: Dude, it's just "Days of Our Lives"... there's no the. Joey Tribbiani: Ok, Ross! It's... It's fun, yeah! No, I-I play Doctor Drake Ramoray. Sarah: I'm sorry, I don't own a TV. Joey Tribbiani: You don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at?? Monica Geller: David, can you help me?! I'm trying to explain to Chandler how a plane stays in the air. David: Oh, certainly. That's a combination of Bernoulli's principle and Newton's third law of motion. Monica Geller: See? Chandler Bing: Yeah, that's the same as "it has something to do with wind". Monica Geller: Alright, I'm gonna go pick up a few things for the trip. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I should go, too. Oh, now... tomorrow do you guys wanna share a cab to the airport or should Mike and I just meet you there. Phoebe Buffay: Mike?? Who's Mike? David: Mike is your ex... uh... boyfriend! Phoebe Buffay: That's right! Oh, yeah... Well, I've totally forgotten about im! AH! That's-That's... a blast from the past! David: It's ok. Ho-honest mistake. Phoebe Buffay: Really, it doesn't mean anything. I mean, you know, Monica refers to Chandler as Richard all the time! Chandler Bing: She does? Monica Geller: Let's get you out of here!! Monica Geller: At least you took me down with you! Phoebe Buffay: I'm sooo sorry!! I just... I keep thinking about Mike! I'm crazy about David, and we're having so much fun together. Why-Why do I miss Mike? That's-that's gonna go away, right? Monica Geller: I guess, in time. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Monica Geller: I mean, my feelings for Richard are certainly gone. Phoebe Buffay: You just did it again. Chandler, your feelings for Chandler are certainly gone! David: Well, Phoebe's still pretty hung up on that Mike, uh? Chandler Bing: I wouldn't read too much into it. David: Still you know, a girl calls you by your ex-boyfriend's name, that-that's not a good thing, right? Chandler Bing: David, let me stop you there 'cause I think I see where this is going. I'm not very good at giving advice. So if you want advice, go to Ross, Monica, or... Joey, if the thing you wanna advice about is pizza toppings or burning sensation when you pee. David: Sorry, I just... I wish there was something I could do, you know? Well, you know Phoebe... Chandler Bing: Seriously, we're gonna do this? David: I'm sorry, uh... I just wish I could make her forget about Mike already, you know... Why did Phoebe and Mike break up? Chandler Bing: Oh, because his penis was too big. Oh, I'm sorry, that's the kind of thing I do. They broke up because Mike didn't want to get married. Hey, what if you just let Phoebe know you'd be open to marriage? David: That's great! That's great! I-I'll propose to her! Chandler Bing: What? David: Well, I was probably going to do it at some point. Chandler Bing: I didn't mean now... David: Why not? It's brilliant! Goodbye Mike, we'll see you at the wedding, fella! well, we probably won't invite you to the wedding... Thank you, Chandler. Sincerely. Chandler Bing: Well, you're welcome! Glad I could help. David: How do you think I should propose? Chandler Bing: David, I'm pretending to read here!! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! How you doin'? Yeah alright! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey! You said you're gonna wear a thong, where's the thong? Charlie Wheeler: I didn't mean a thong... I meant thongs... Joey Tribbiani: You really should have been more clear about that! Ross Geller: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Ross Geller: You're never going to guess who I just saw downstairs! Joey Tribbiani: Oh! ah! eh... Britney Spears!? Ross Geller: Yeah, she never misses these conferences! No, I just saw Dr. Kenneth Schwartz! Charlie Wheeler: Oh my God! Did you talk to him? Ross Geller: Yeah... what am I going to say to Kenneth Schwartz? Joey Tribbiani: You could say: "Hey Kenny, how come you're not Britney Spears?" Ross Geller: Ready to go? Charlie Wheeler: Yeah! Joey Tribbiani: Wha...? You're gonna go now? I thought we could hang out? Charlie Wheeler: Oh I can't... I have seminars all day and I promised Ross I would look at his speech. Ross Geller: Yeah. Charlie Wheeler: But maybe we can have dinner later? On the balcony? Will be romantic. Joey Tribbiani: Will you wear a thong? Charlie Wheeler: I will if you will. Joey Tribbiani: Oh... you got yourself a very weird deal! Ross Geller: I'm good, I have dinner plans . Charlie Wheeler: So you'll be ok? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah. I've got tons of stuff I could do. I'm gonna hit the beach, go swimming... Ross Geller: Uh, Joe, have you looked outside? Joey Tribbiani: No, why? Joey Tribbiani: Oh man! Charlie Wheeler: There's an indoor pool, you can swim there! Joey Tribbiani: I wasn't gonna swim, I was gonna dig a hole! Monica Geller: Wow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don't know what's gonna happen with Phoebe and David. Chandler Bing: I do! Want a hint? huh? "I do" "I do". Monica Geller: Ok, I'm sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee. Chandler Bing: David is going to propose to Phoebe. Monica Geller: What? Why? Chandler Bing: Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married. Monica Geller: Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn't you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke? Chandler Bing: I did! A penis one! Look, just so I know, what was so wrong about what I said? Monica Geller: They've only been going out for a few weeks and Phoebe is completely hung up on Mike! She'll say "No", David's heart will be broken, it will be too hard for them to recover from and then Phoebe will end up alone again. Chandler Bing: Man, that's some bad advice! Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Hey! Thank God you guys are here! Rachel Green: Hey! Hey what's going on? Joey Tribbiani: Everything is upside down here! It rains all day long, nobody watches tv and Ross is famous! Rachel Green: Alright, I don't wanna alarm anybody, but Monica's hair is twice as big as it was when we landed! Monica Geller: Ok! When I go places with high humidity, it gets a little extra body, ok?! Chandler Bing: That's why our honeymoon photos look like me and Diana Ross! Joey Tribbiani: Come on, I'll show you guys where to check in. Monica Geller: Oh, honey, can you make sure we get a King size bed! Phoebe Buffay: Oh! David, get one for us too! Oh, oh, and see if they have a heart-shaped one! And with mirrors on the ceiling! Monica Geller: And make sure our room isn't next to theirs . Rachel Green: Ooh! You guys are so lucky you are here with people, you known it's such a romantic place. That's all, I just wish I could share that with a guy. Phoebe Buffay: Not Joey. Rachel Green: Not Joey, no, I was just lusting after Chandler. Monica Geller: Yeah, right! David: So, ehm... I'm proposing to Pheobe tonight. Chandler Bing: Tonight?! Isn't an engagement ring supposed to have a diamond? Oh, there it is! David: Yeah, well, being a failed scientist doesn't pay quite as well as you might think. That's uhm... one seventieth of a karat. And the clarity is uhm... is quite poor. Chandler Bing: Nice! Chandler Bing: Monica, can I talk to you for a sec? Monica Geller: Ok! Chandler Bing: David is going to propose to Phoebe tonight! Monica Geller: See what happens when you give people advice? I hope you told him not to? Chandler Bing: That would be advice!! Monica Geller: Ok fine. I'll handle this. Phoebe? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? Monica Geller: I need to talk to you. Phoebe Buffay: Are you leaving "The Supremes"? Monica Geller: Ok, my husband just gave your boyfriend some very bad advice. Look, David is going to propose to you tonight. Phoebe Buffay: Wow? Really? That's fantastic! Monica Geller: What are you serious? You wanna marry him? Wha... What about Mike? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, ok, you want me to marry Mike? Alright, well, let's just gag him and handcuff him and force him down the aisle. I can just see it: "Mike, do you take Phoebe..." You know, it's every girl's dream! Monica Geller: Do you really think marrying someone else is the right answer? Phoebe Buffay: Sure! Look, ok, bottom line: I love Mike... David! David. I love David. Don't look at me that way, Roseanne Rosannadanna! Ross Geller: By using CT scans and computer imaging we can in a very real way, bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century. Charlie Wheeler: It's great. You're gonna be the hit of the conference. Ross Geller: Oh and you know what, it will be even better tomorrow, because I won't be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet. . Joey Tribbiani: Hey guys! Ross Geller: The chocolates aren't here yet. Joey Tribbiani: Damnit! Charlie Wheeler: Ross just read me his speech. It's fantastic! Chandler Bing: Oh, is it on the computer, cuz I'd love to give it a read...? Ross Geller: If you want to check your email, just ask! Chandler Bing: What? May I? Rachel Green: What's with the rain, Geller? I mean, when I signed up for Dino Week, nobody said anything about it being monsoon season. Charlie Wheeler: Actually the wet season is June to December. Rachel Green: It's not the time Charlie. Chandler Bing: Oh, no, no, no dear God, no! Joey Tribbiani: Oh what, did someone outbid you for the teapot? Oh! Secret teapot? Chandler Bing: Your computer, I don't know wha... everything's gone! Ross Geller: Wha... what do you mean? Chandler Bing: It must be a virus. I think it erased your hard drive. Ross Geller: What, oh my God. What did you do? Chandler Bing: Someone I don't know sent me an e-mail and I opened it. Ross Geller: Why, why would you open it? Chandler Bing: Well, it didn't say "This is a virus"!! Ross Geller: What did it say? Chandler Bing: Nude... ... pictures of Anna Kournikova. I'm so sorry. Ross Geller: What... what am I gonna do? My speech is gone, Chandler! Chandler Bing: It's not gone! I mean, I'm sure you printed out a copy. You have a hard copy, right? Ross Geller: NO! I don't!! Chandler Bing: Well, you must be pretty mad at yourself right now...! Joey Tribbiani: It's really gone? Ross Geller: Yep! I'd like to thank you guys for coming down here to complain about the rain and ruin my career! Chandler Bing: I just feel awful. Ross Geller: Yeah, well you should! I mean, nude pictures of Anna Kournikova? I mean, she's never even won a major tournament! Chandler Bing: Well, I tried Billy Jean King, but... you know, you and Monica have the same "I'm gonna kill you" look...? I can usually make it go away by kissing her... Ross Geller: Get out! Rachel Green: You know, this happens all the time to my computer at work. Ross Geller: Well, what do you do? Rachel Green: Well, I usually go... play Tetris on somebody else's computer. Ross Geller: I can't believe this. I can't believe this is happening. I have to give the keynote speech tomorrow! Ok? I have to stand up in front of all these people. What am I gonna say? Joey Tribbiani: I could teach you a speech that I memorized for auditions. Ross Geller: I don't think that your monologue from Star Wars is gonna help me right now, Joe! Charlie Wheeler: Ross, we can solve this. I just heard your speech. We can recreate it! We've got all night! Ross Geller: Wha... what you really think we can do that? Charlie Wheeler: Oh wait, Joey and I are supposed to have dinner . Joey Tribbiani: Hey don't worry about that! I mean, Ross needs you! And Rachel and I will stay and help anyway we can. Rachel Green: Ugh. Ross Geller: Alright, ok, let's do it. Uhm, I know we start by discussing the shortcomings of carbon dating... uhm, and then, then I move on to what is clearly the defining moment of the Mesozoic era, the breakup of Pangea, hello! And then, there's the... eh... there's the overview of the Triassic. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, oh! Any chance any of this happened in a "Galaxy far, far away"? . Mike Hannigan: Hello? Monica Geller: Ok, Mike, enough is enough, now you love Phoebe and she loves you, so you need to get over your whole "I never want to get married" thing and step up! Mike Hannigan: Who is this? Monica Geller: This is Monica! I'm Phoebe's friend. Listen, Phoebe is back with David and he's going to propose to her, and she is going to say "yes" but I know she really wants to be with you! Mike Hannigan: He... he's gonna propose? Monica Geller: I... I'm sorry, did you say something? I can't hear through all this damned hair! Mike Hannigan: Look, if Phoebe wants to marry David, she should, I'm not gonna stand in the way of that and neither should you. Monica Geller: You don't tell me what to do! I tell you what to do! Just call her. She's at the Paradise Hotel in Barbados. And while I've got you, you've got curly hair. What do you do in humidity? Damnit! Monica Geller: Well, I hope you're happy! Chandler Bing: Oooh! I hope you're happy too, honey! Monica Geller: Phoebe is going to say "Yes" to David. See, that's what happens when you meddle in people's lives! Chandler Bing: Phoebe is going to say "yes"? That's, that's great! Monica Geller: No it's not, b'cause she's still in love with Mike! Chandler Bing: And there's not chance that will work? Monica Geller: No, I called him. It's not gonna happen. Chandler Bing: Oooooooh! Meddler! Meddler! Monica Geller: Well, if you hadn't meddled to start with, I wouldn't have had to go in there and meddle myself. Now, no matter how much we meddle, we will never be able to un-meddle the thing that you meddled up - in the first place! Chandler Bing: This vacation sucks!! Joey Tribbiani: I'm so bored! Stupid rain, we... we can't do anything. Rachel Green: Well, I've brought some books. We could read. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, it hasn't come to that yet. Joey Tribbiani: Hey hey hey! Don't mind if I do! Waiter: I'm sorry sir, these are for the pharmaceutical convention. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Rach, do you feel like going to a convention? Rachel Green: We can't. We're not pharmacists! Joey Tribbiani: I know we're not, but Frank Medeio and... Eva Trorro... womba... Rachel Green: Kate Miller? Joey Tribbiani: Kate Miller it is. Rachel Green: And... that's the most sex I'm gonna have this weekend. Joey Tribbiani: In that case should I make sure it's on real good? Rachel Green: Thank you. Charlie Wheeler: And then, and then you said that thing about, about bringing the Mesozoic era in the 21st century. Ross Geller: Yeah, that's it? Charlie Wheeler: Yeah. Ross Geller: Oh my God, we did it! Charlie Wheeler: Actually I did it Ross. You remembered shockingly little of your own speech. Ross Geller: Yes, but I did make a pyramid out of the bath products. This is amazing, thank you, thank you so much. That's a pretty necklace. Charlie Wheeler: Thank you. Ross Geller: Hey, what do you say we celebrate? Champagne? Charlie Wheeler: Oh yeah! Hey, save the cork and then we can fill the bottle with water and put it back so they don't charge you. Ross Geller: Oh my God, I love you. Charlie Wheeler: Oh, this is such a cute picture of Emma. And is this your son... or just some kid whose picture you bring on vacation? Ross Geller: That's Ben, my son from my first marriage. Charlie Wheeler: Your first marriage? Ross Geller: Yeah. Charlie Wheeler: You're married more than once? Ross Geller: No. Charlie Wheeler: So, why did you break up? Ross Geller: Oh, it was... it's complicated, you know? She... she was... eh... gay. Charlie Wheeler: Oh my God, this is so cool! Ross Geller: Ok, odd thing to get excited about! Charlie Wheeler: No, it's just... I was enganged to a guy who turned out to be gay! Ross Geller: Hey! High-five! Charlie Wheeler: Didn't you feel so stupid that you didn't see the signs? My fiance was always going away on these long weekends with his tennis partner. Ross Geller: My wife had a workout friend she went to the gym with everyday for a year. She didn't get any fitter. Charlie Wheeler: Right and then everybody finds out and they're like: "Oh, I knew all along" Ross Geller: I know! It's like, if you knew, why didn't you tell me, you know? I mean, call, or leave a note: "Hi, I just dropped by to say your wife's gay" Charlie Wheeler: I know! Ross Geller: And then, you try to make the best of a bad situation, so you float the idea of a threesome? Charlie Wheeler: I didn't do that. Ross Geller: Me neither. Joey Tribbiani: Well, who knew? Pharmacists are fun. Rachel Green: I know, that old lady at the end was ready to take you home. Joey Tribbiani: Not enough pills in the world, Rach. What about you, you're the single one, seen anybody in there you like? Rachel Green: Well, let's see. There was a really big guy that I was talking to, with the really nice breasts... Joey Tribbiani: But what about back home, anything going on there? Anybody you like? Rachel Green: No. Joey Tribbiani: There it is, you're blushing! Rachel Green: No, I'm not blushing, I'm sunburnt! From, you know, the rain. Joey Tribbiani: You like someone. Tell me who it is. Who is it? Rachel Green: No. Joey Tribbiani: Tell me who it is. Rachel Green: Joey! Joey Tribbiani: Come on who? Who do you like? Tell me. You're not getting away that easy. Who do you like, who? Rachel Green: Joey, come on! It doesn't matter, you know, it's not like anything's gonna happen. Joey Tribbiani: What? Why not? Rach, who can you not get? Rachel Green: Oh! Ok. Ok, you really wanna know who it is? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, who is that? Rachel Green: Do ya? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Charlie Wheeler: I just left you a message! Ross and I were gonna go grab a bite, but now that you're here, maybe we can go have that dinner. Joey Tribbiani: Right, of course. Hey, did you guys finish the speech? Ross Geller: Yep, we got it, we got it. Thank you so much. Charlie Wheeler: I had a great time. Joey Tribbiani: Alright, hey look, and this isn't over, because I really wanna know who... Rachel Green: Later! La... Charlie Wheeler: So, shall we? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Rachel Green: Ok. See you, bye. Charlie Wheeler: Bye. Ross Geller: Good night. Joey Tribbiani: Night. Monica Geller: I can't believe she's gonna say yes to David. She's clearly in love with Mike. Chandler Bing: You know, it's very hard to take you seriously when you look like that. David: Uh, Phoebe, uh, I have... something I wanna say. Monica Geller: Oh my God, he's gonna do it now. Please, I cannot watch this, let's go. Chandler Bing: I think we have some time. Have you ever heard him talk? "Uh, Phoebe, uh, I would be honoured, uh..." Spit it out, David! David: Uh, Phoebe, uh... you're an amazing woman, and the time we spent apart was, was unbearable. Of course the sanitation strikes in Minsk didn't help! Phoebe Buffay: Sure, ok, yeah. David: But well, now that we're together again, I don't ever want to be apart. So, to that end... Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, Mike! David: It's David, actually! Phoebe Buffay: No, Mike's here. David: Hi Mike! Mike Hannigan: Hi David. Chandler. Monica... Oh! Monica Geller: IT'S THE HUMIDITY! Mike Hannigan: Hi Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: What are you, what are you doing here? Mike Hannigan: I have a question I need to ask you. David: I have a question I was kinda gonna ask her myself. Mike Hannigan: Yeah, I understand, but before you do, she really needs to hear this. David: Ok, would you care for my seat as well? Mike Hannigan: Actually yeah, that'll be great. David: That's fair, you've had a long trip. Mike Hannigan: Phoebe, I love you. I mean, I missed you so much these last few months and I thought we were apart for a good reason, but then I suddenly realized that there was no reason good enough to keep me from spending the rest of my life with you. David: Kinda stepped on the toes of what I was going to say. Mike Hannigan: Sorry David, but she really has to know this. David: Alright, but after this I want to see you outside. If the rain stops. Monica Geller: You're the most incredible woman I've ever met. How can I lose you? Now, I don't actually have a ring... David: I have a ring. Chandler Bing: I wouldn't brag too much about that thing, big guy. David: Phoebe, will you marry me? Phoebe Buffay: No! David: Uhm... Ha ha! Phoebe Buffay: I love you. But I never needed a proposal from you. I just needed to know that we were headed somewhere, you know, that we had a future. Mike Hannigan: We can have any future you want. David: Ok, I'm gonna take off. Phoebe Buffay: David, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. David: Just so I know, if I had asked first... Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I might have said yes, but that would have been wrong. David: Please, you don't have to explain. I mean, perhaps if I hadn't gone to Minsk things would have worked out for us. And I wouldn't have ruined my career, or lost that toe to frostbite. It was a good trip! Mike Hannigan: Is it ok if I hug you now? Phoebe Buffay: Yes! Monica Geller: BECAUSE OF OUR MEDDLING! Alright?

Chandler Bing: Oh, ain't this nice? It's so quiet, I could just lie here all day. Monica Geller: I know. Rachel Green: Open your drapes! Open your drapes! Chandler Bing: I'm so glad we've got adjoining rooms! Monica Geller: The sun is out! Chandler Bing: Hey! Remember when I had corneas? Monica Geller: Ok listen, you go down to the pool and reserve the chairs, and I'll get the magazines and the lotion. Chandler Bing: Ladies? Ross's speech is in 45 minutes. Rachel Green: Nooo! Monica Geller: Damn it! Ross Geller: Walls are pretty thin, guys! Ross Geller: Then we have to await the data from recent MRI scans and DNA testing which call into question information gathered from years of simple carbon dating. Rachel Green: Look at that woman sitting by the pool getting tan... so leathery and wrinkled, I'm so jealous! Ross Geller: Finally, factoring the profusion of new species recently discovered: Gigantosaurus, Argentinasaurus... Chandler Bing: Not to mention the cold sores. Ross Geller: And that's just the herbivores. I'm not even gonna discuss the carnivores, their heads are already too big. Which is ironic considering their stunted cerebral development. Chandler Bing: Really? Ross Geller: But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus... Charlie Wheeler: What? Joey Tribbiani: He said "erectus"! Charlie Wheeler: You're... you're kidding, right? Joey Tribbiani: No, he really said it. Ross Geller: ... and while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and the example of Homo erectus... Joey Tribbiani: Erectus? Rachel Green: Homo. Ross Geller: ... in a very real way we can bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century. Thank you! Ross Geller: Oh, thanks guys! Man With A Bow Tie: I thought... it was wonderful! Ross Geller: Oh! Man With A Bow Tie: Jarvis Oberblau, Cornell. I mean, the ideas you put forth and, and from someone... so... young... and... . Ross Geller: Ok... now... now we're just holding hands! Rachel Green: All right! Well, uh... we're gonna hit the beach? Monica Geller: Yeah! Rachel Green: It was really... great! Ross Geller: Oh, thank you so much! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, and so funny! Rachel Green: Oh! Ross Geller: Ok!... All right, thanks! Thank you so much, you guys! Oh, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you were here! Mike Hannigan: You're kidding, we wouldn't have missed it! Mike Hannigan: Oh... I'm back! Ross Geller: Ok!... Uh... excuse me? Yeah? Ross Geller: Hey! Well...? Charlie Wheeler: You were incredible! Ross Geller: Yeah? Charlie Wheeler: You blew them away! Ross Geller: Oh, I can't tell you how great it was to look at the crowd and see your face! I mean... uh, did you know you were mouthing the words along with me? Charlie Wheeler: I was not! Ross Geller: No, it's ok! Made me feel like a rock star! Charlie Wheeler: Oh my God! I'm your groupie! Ross Geller: I'd better not found you naked in my hotel room! Ross Geller: Look, I took it too far! Monica Geller: I can't believe it's raining again! Oh, it's so unfair!!! Phoebe Buffay: Well, on the bright side, now you won't have to see all these paleontologists with their shirts off. Not you guys. You got it going on! Monica Geller: So, what are we gonna do today? Mike Hannigan: They have a game room downstairs! Ping pong and stuff. Monica Geller: Ping pong? Honey, they have ping pong! Let's play! Chandler Bing: I don't think so! Monica Geller: Why not? Chandler Bing: Because you know how competitive you get and well, I say it's cute, others disagree, and I'm lying! Monica Geller: I'm not always that bad! Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah? What happened when we played last time? Monica Geller: I punched you...? Chandler Bing: And...? Monica Geller: ... Phoebe...? Phoebe Buffay: ... and...? Monica Geller: I clunked your heads together! Charlie Wheeler: Hey! There you are! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! As soon as it stops raining we have got to go snorkeling! Some kid told me about the sea turtle and, if you blow bubbles in its face, it chases ya! Charlie Wheeler: I'm sorry, I can't! I'm running a discussion group all afternoon. Joey Tribbiani: Oh... oh, but that's ok, I'll find someone else to do it... I'll do it alone, but... I don't know what happens if the sea turtle catches you... Charlie Wheeler: You know... I feel so bad! I haven't seen you this whole trip and especially last night... Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Don't worry about it! It was fine! I ended up having the best time with Rachel! I just felt bad for you, stuck in that room, working on Ross's speech... Charlie Wheeler: Actually, it turned out to be a lot of fun! Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Oh, well! At least we're both having fun! Charlie Wheeler: Yeah... Charlie Wheeler: ... is it weird that it's not with each other? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! A little bit, yeah... Charlie Wheeler: I think we need to talk...! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah... I think we do... ... about what? Monica Geller: C'mon guys, it'll be fun! Phoebe Buffay: All right, all right... I'll play if we don't keep score! Monica Geller: But then how do we know who wins? Phoebe Buffay: Nobody wins! Monica Geller: So, we're just four losers... SUPER! Chandler Bing: I'm not playing with you. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I'm out. Mike Hannigan: I'll play ya! Monica Geller: OK! Phoebe Buffay: Mike, you don't know, you don't know what you're doing! Chandler Bing: She gets crazy! This scar is from Pictionary! Mike Hannigan: I think I will be all right! You wanna volley a bit for a serve? Monica Geller: Sure! Got to! Monica Geller: Aww! Mike Hannigan: Oh, by the way... I'm awesome!! Chandler Bing: Oh dear God, there's two of them! Mike Hannigan: You're ready to play? Monica Geller: Hell, yeah! Chandler Bing: Did you know this about him? Phoebe Buffay: No idea! I though he was soft like you! Mike Hannigan: Wanna make it more interesting? Monica Geller: How much were you thinking? Mike Hannigan: Ten bucks a game? Monica Geller: Make it fifty! Mike Hannigan: I'll make it a hundred! Monica Geller: One thousand... Chandler Bing: OK! Mike Hannigan: To see who goes first, you got a quarter? Monica Geller: No... Either of you girls got a quarter? Chandler Bing: Honey, try to focus the trash talk on him! Phoebe Buffay: Monica, you call it. Monica Geller: Heads! No, Tails! He-he-heads! Phoebe Buffay: Tails! Monica Geller: Ow, what are the chances! Monica Geller: Ha! My point! Mike Hannigan: Oh, no! I don't think so! You know, according to standard table tennis rules if at any time a player uses his non racket bearing hand to touch the playing surface he or she forfeits the point. Phoebe Buffay: He was a lawyer! Alexandra Steele: ... all these coasts having beautiful weather. In New York, it's 72 and sunny! Rachel Green: Oh! Weather bitch! Rachel Green: It's open! Hi, Joe! Joey Tribbiani: Hey... Rachel Green: What, is everything ok? Joey Tribbiani: Uh... Charlie and I broke up. Rachel Green: Nooooo, why? Joey Tribbiani: Oh well, she said we have nothing in common. Rachel Green: Oh, that's crazy! Joey Tribbiani: No, it's not, we have nothing in common! Rachel Green: ... yeah, it's true. Joey Tribbiani: I mean, she should be with someone like... Ross! You know what I mean, he uses all those big words too! Man, smart people are dull! Rachel Green: What, hey! Joey Tribbiani: Ok, Rach! Joey Tribbiani: I feel so stupid, you know? Why... why do I keep going after the wrong girls? Rachel Green: W-What are you, what are you talking about? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, c'mon, I mean, there's you, then there's Charlie, and it's like... What the hell is my problem? OH! Rachel Green: Ok... uh... maybe you're not always going after the wrong girl... Joey Tribbiani: I'm telling you, Rach, Charlie is not right for me! Rachel Green: Yeah, I'm not talking about her... Joey Tribbiani: But then who? The waitress I went out with last month? Rachel Green: You know? Forget it! Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no-no, no! Who, who were you talking about? Rachel Green: No, I-I-I-I don't, I actually don't know who I'm talking about! So! Joey Tribbiani: Ok! All right, well... I'm gonna see if I can get a room for the night and I'll... I'll see you later! Rachel Green: Yeah, sure! Joey Tribbiani: You like me? Rachel Green: Ok, let's not make a big thing about this! Joey Tribbiani: That's a huge thing! Rachel Green: Not working with me, Joe! Here's the thing: lately I have been having thoughts musings, if you will! Joey Tribbiani: What... for how long? Rachel Green: Only like a month! Joey Tribbiani: A MONTH?? Rachel Green: What the... DIAL IT DOWN! Listen, ok, and maybe they're crazy thoughts, but sometimes I do, I have, I've been thinking about... you know, us! Ok, dial it up a little! Joey Tribbiani: I just have one question! Rachel Green: Shoot! Joey Tribbiani: What the hell are you doin'??? Rachel Green: I don't know, I'm not trying to do anything, it's just, we have such a good time when we're together, you know... I mean, aren't you just a... little curious... what that would be like?... Joey Tribbiani: Uh, am I curious? I mean, I am as curious as... as... George!! Rachel Green: Who...? Joey Tribbiani: CURIOUS GEORGE ! You know, the monkey, and the guy with the yellow hat! Rachel Green: Oh yes, of course, I remember him! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, he had a paper route. Rachel Green: Yeah, he did! Oh, see, this is what I'm talking about! Joey Tribbiani: No, I know, yeah I know we're great but Rach no... this... this can't happen! Rachel Green: But can it... just... happen a little bit? Joey Tribbiani: NO, NO! It can't happen at all! Rachel Green: But why, why not? Joey Tribbiani: Because... look, no one wants this to happen more than me, ok? I have gone over this moment in my head a hundred times and not once did I ever say no! I couldn't do it to Ross! Rachel Green: But that wasn't gonna stop you before! Joey Tribbiani: I know, I know! But I've thought about it a lot since, and it just wouldn't be right... I'm sorry...! Rachel Green: I'm sorry, too! OH GOD! I shouldn't have said anything! Joey Tribbiani: NO! No-no-no-no-no-no! Hey! Hey, we'll be fine! Li... hey, like you said: no big deal! Rachel Green: It's not a big deal! Joey Tribbiani: NO BIG DEAL! Rachel Green: It's so not a big deal! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! I'll see ya later! Yeah! Rachel Green: Ok! Rachel Green: Ok, I... Rachel Green: AAAHHHH! Monica Geller: Ooh! I'm sorry! I think, I THINK, that may have missed the table! Mike Hannigan: Do you? Monica Geller: Ah, yeah! Mike Hannigan: Do you? Monica Geller: Ah, yeaaah! Mike Hannigan: DO YOU? Monica Geller: AH YEAAAAH! Chandler Bing: Do you really find this attractive on him? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah! Are you telling me you... you're not even... a little turned on by Monica, right now? Chandler Bing: I think this is the first time in our marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one. Phoebe Buffay: C'mon Mike, you can beat her! Knock that dog off her head! Monica Geller: Oh, damn it! Phoebe Buffay: I sleep with him! Mike Hannigan: Game, point! Monica Geller: Don't get too cocky! Remember I won the last one! Oh, by the way, how did that feel, losing to a girl? Mike Hannigan: You know, you should really look in a mirror before you call yourself that. Monica Geller: NO, NO, NOOO! Mike Hannigan: And that's how it's done! Chandler Bing: Okay-dokay, you've each won a game and I've lost what's felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner. Monica Geller: Best out of three? Mike Hannigan: That's what I'm thinking. Chandler Bing: Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil? Monica Geller: Serve the ball, chump! Mike Hannigan: : Serve the ball, chump. Phoebe Buffay: Ok Mike, better come back Mike, better come back. Jarvis Oberblau: I'm just saying, I have a cabin in the Adirondacks if you ever want to get away from the city, well, that'd be just nifty! Ross Geller: Ooh, well. Ah, I kinda have got a lot on my plate right now, not that I wouldn't love a weekend in the country with a strange man. Woman: Jarvis? Jarvis Oberblau: Oh, you're back... this is my wife, Nancy. Ross Geller: Get Out! Charlie Wheeler: Ross, can I talk to you for a minute? Ross Geller: Yes, please! So, what's going on? Charlie Wheeler: Uh, well... Joey and I broke up. Ross Geller: Oh my God, wh-what happened? Charlie Wheeler: Joey is a great guy, but we're just... so different! I mean, during your speech he kept laughing at homo erectus! Ross Geller: I knew that was him! Charlie Wheeler: Anyway I just, uh, I think it's for the best. Ross Geller: Hey, you ok? Charlie Wheeler: I guess. There was hum... there was another reason that I thought it was time to end it with Joey. I started to realize that I was having feelings for someone else. Paleontologist: Ok Geller. Last day of the conference, you know what happens to the keynote speaker. Ross Geller: Oh, professor Clerk we're kind of in the middle of a conversation, here. Charlie Wheeler: Yeah, can you guys just throw him in the pool later? Professore Clerk: Or we could throw you both in now! Ross Geller: Ok, gentlemen! Please! Aren't we a little old for this? I mean, we're scientists, right? We're academics. And most importantly I... you-you will have to catch us first. . GO, GO, GO! Mike Hannigan: Ok, so it's a tie again, 41 to 41. Chandler Bing: Ok, look! Enough is enough! Monica Geller: No, I have just to have two more points to beat him! Chandler Bing: Monica, that was also true an hour ago! I mean, please, look at you! Your hand is blistered, you can barely stand, your hair is inexplicable! Ok, you've already proven you are just as good as he is, now we've missed our dinner reservations, so now let's just go upstairs, order room service, take a shower and shave your head! Monica Geller: I can't just walk away! I've put in four hours! Chandler Bing: But... Monica Geller: Look! You knew this about me when you married me! You agreed to take me in sickness and in health. Well, this is my sickness! Chandler Bing: What about the obsessive cleaning? Monica Geller: That's just good sense! Monica Geller: Aww! Chandler Bing: You ok? Monica Geller: No, no, no. Honey, I'm ok. Shake it off! Oh, no! No shaking, no shaking! Ooh! Ooh! Oh my God! I can't play! Mike Hannigan: So you forfeit? Phoebe Buffay: Mike wins? Monica Geller: I can't believe it! I lost! Chandler Bing: No, you didn't. Monica Geller: What? Chandler Bing: Because I'm gonna play for ya. Phoebe Buffay: You can't do that! Mike Hannigan: Oh, that's ok. I don't care which of them I beat. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, we're taking that paddle home, mister. Monica Geller: Honey, you don't have to do this. Chandler Bing: Yes, I do. Now, I may not understand why you have to win so badly, but if it's important to you then it's important to me, because I love you. Monica Geller: But... you suck! Chandler Bing: You're welcome, sweetheart. Chandler Bing: All right Mike, let's get this over with. Sudden death. Whoever wins this point, wins. Mike Hannigan: Ok! Monica Geller: Oh my God! You're good! Phoebe Buffay: It's like watching porn! Chandler Bing: And that's... how... it's done! Monica Geller: Oh my God. That was so amazing! When did you Hold on! I almost forgot loser! When did you stop sucking? Chandler Bing: I never sucked, I actually didn't want you to know how good I was! Monica Geller: Why? Chandler Bing: I don't know. Monica Geller: This is so great! Now we can enter into doubles tournaments! Chandler Bing: That's why! Charlie Wheeler: Thanks! Ross Geller: Hi. Charlie Wheeler: Are they still looking for us? Ross Geller: Yeah. The bartender said that they split up into two search parties, the herbivores and the carnivores. You know, we as a group are not the coolest. Ross Geller: I don't think they saw us. Charlie Wheeler: I don't think they did. Charlie Wheeler: Hum, so, I started to say you something earlier, hum... There was another reason I realized it was time to end it with Joey. I kind of realized I... was starting to have feelings... for someone else. Ross Geller: Oh. Can I... can I ask who? Charlie Wheeler: I think you know. Ross Geller: I think I know too but I've been really wrong about this stuff in the past, so... Ross Geller: I'm sorry... we... we can't. Charlie Wheeler: All right, all right. Ross Geller: I mean, you just went out with my best friend, and I just think it'd be a really really bad idea. Or-or not! Rachel Green: What? Homo ergaster: Some scientists classify some African erectus specimens as belonging to a separate species, Homo ergaster, which differs from the Asian H. erectus fossils in some details of the skull .

Fry: Space. It seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and the gorilla starts throwing barrels at you. Fry: And that's how you play the game! Boy: You stink, loser! Panucci: Hey, Fry. Pizza goin' out! C'mon!! Fry: Michelle, baby! Where you going? Michelle: It's not working out, Fry. I put your stuff out on the sidewalk! Fry: I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life. Bike Thief: Happy new year! Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for, uh ... ... Icy Wiener? Aw, crud! I always thought at this point in my life I'd be the one making the crank calls! Here's to another lousy millennium. Crowd: Ten! Crowd: Neuf! Crowd: Otto! Crowd: Saba! Crowd: Eksi! Crowd: Wu! Crowd: Char! Crowd: Thathu! Crowd: Nee! Crowd: One! Fry: What the-? Fry: My God! It's the future. My parents, my co-workers, my girlfriend; I'll never see any of them again. Yahoo! Terry: Welcome to the world of tomorrow! Lou: Why do you always have to say it that way? Terry: Haven't you ever heard of a little thing called showmanship? Come, your destiny awaits! Lou: Have a nice future. Fry: Cool! Just like in Star Trek! Ow! Leela: Good afternoon, sir. Name? Fry: Uh, Fry. Leela: I'm Leela. Now, it's New Year's Eve so I'd like to decide your fate quickly and get out of here. Fry: Can I ask you a question? Leela: As long as it's not about my eye. Fry: Uh... Leela: Is it about my eye? Fry: Sort of. Leela: Just ask the question. Fry: What's with the eye? Leela: I'm an alien, alright? Now let's drop the subject. Fry: Cool, an alien! Has your race taken over the Earth? Leela: No, I just work here. Fry: Wait a minute! Is that blimp accurate? Leela: Yep. It's December 31st, 2999. Fry: My God! A million years! Leela: I'm sure this must be very upsetting for you. Fry: Y'know, I guess it should be but, actually, I'm glad. I had nothing to live for in my old life. I was broke, I had a humiliating job and I was beginning to suspect my girlfriend might be cheating on me. Leela: Well, at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator. Leela: Interesting. Your DNA test shows one living relative. He's your great-great-great-great-great-great-great... Leela: ...great-great-great-great-great nephew. Fry: That's great! What's the little guy's name? Leela: Professor Hubert Farnsworth. Fry: Eurgh! Fry: Y'know, I'm the luckiest guy in the whole future. I've been given a second chance and this time I'm not going to be a total loser. What's that? Leela: Your permanent career assignment. Fry: Delivery boy? No! Not again! Please! Anything else! Leela: Take your hands off me! You've been assigned the job you're best at just like everyone else. Fry: What if I refuse? Leela: Then you'll be fired- Fry: Fine! Leela: Out of a cannon into the Sun! Fry: But I don't like being a delivery boy. Leela: Well that's tough! Lots of people don't like their jobs but we do them anyway. You gotta do what you gotta do. Now hold out your hand. I'm gonna implant your career chip. It'll permanently label you as a delivery boy. Fry: Keep that thing away from me! Leela: Hold still, dammit. I don't have good depth perception! You've got until the count of five to let me out of here. One- Fry: See you in a thousand years! You owe me one. Fry: Whoa! Man #1: JFK Jr. Airport. Man #1: Radio City Mutant Hall. Fry: Cool! Um. Cross Town Express? Man #2: Pft! Tourist! Fry: Hey! A phone booth! I can call my nephew. Wow! A real live robot! Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume? Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass. Fry: It doesn't look so shiny to me. Bender: Shinier than yours, meatbag! Bender: Listen, buddy, I'm in a hurry here. Let's try for a two-fer! Booth Voice: Please select mode of death "Quick and Painless" or "Slow and Horrible". Fry: Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call. Booth Voice: You have selected "Slow and Horrible". Bender: Great choice! Bring it on, baby! Bender: C'mon, c'mon! Kill me already! By the way, my name's Bender! Fry: Help! What's happening? Booth Voice: You are now dead. Thank you for using Stop-N-Drop, America's favourite suicide booth since 2008. Bender: Lousy, stinking rip-off! Well, I didn't have anything else planned for today. Let's go get drunk! Leela: Two, three- Hey! Terry: Welcome to the world of tomorrow! Leela: Shut up, Terry. Ipgee: This is unacceptable, Leela. You must find this Mr. Fry and install his chip. Leela: Look, he's just a nobody who doesn't want to be a delivery boy. I'd really rather not force it on him. Ipgee: Well that's your job, whether you like it or not. And it's my job to make you do your job whether I like it or not, which I do, very much! Now get to work! Life is good! Fry: Why would a robot need to drink? Bender: I don't need to drink, I can quit anytime I want! So they made you a delivery boy, huh? Man, that's as bad as my job. Fry: Really? What do you do, Bender? Bender: I'm a bender. I bend girders, that's all I'm programmed to do. Fry: You any good at it? Bender: You kidding? I was a star! I could bend a girder to any angle 30 degrees, 32 degrees, you name it! 31. But I couldn't go on living once I found out what the girders were for. Fry: What? Bender: Suicide booths! Well, Fry, it was a pleasure meeting you. I'm gonna go kill myself. Fry: Wait! You're the only friend I have! Bender: You really want a robot for a friend? Fry: Yeah, ever since I was six. Bender: Well, OK. But I don't want people thinking we're robo-sexuals. So, if anyone asks, you're my debugger. Fry: Oh, no, it's the Cyclops! Don't look! Don't look! Bender: I'm not looking! Leela: This is officer 1B-DI requesting back-up. Smitty: We'll be there in five minutes. Bender: We can hide in here. It's free on Tuesdays! Nimoy: Welcome to the Head Museum. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Fry: Spock? Hey! Hey... Do the thing! Nimoy: I don't do that anymore. Fry: This is unbelievable! What do you heads do all day? Nimoy: We share our wisdom with those who seek it. It's a life of quiet dignity. Woman: Feeding time! Leela: Hmm. I'm sorry, Fry, but I have to install your career chip. Fry: Yeah, well, if you're sorry why are you doing it? Leela: It's my job. You gotta do what you gotta do! Watch it! Nixon: That's it! You just made my list! Fry: Ow! Stop it! Down, boy! Bad president! Smitty: Alright, buddy, step away from the head! Url: I'm gonna get 24th century on his ass! Leela: Please, officers, there's no need to use force. Url: Let us handle this, weird-y. Leela: Oh, come on, he's just a poor kid from the Stupid Ages. Smitty: Keep your big nose out of this, eyeball! Leela: No-one makes fun of my nose. Url: Damn! Leela: You guys were totally out of control. Smitty: It's our job. We're peace officers. Url: Yeah, you know the law You gotta do what you gotta do. Bender: Oh, we're trapped! Fry: Wait a second. You're a bender, right? We can get out of here if you just bend the bars. Bender: Dream on, skin tube. I'm only programmed to bend for constructive purposes. What do I look like, a de-bender? Fry: Who cares what you're programmed for. If someone programmed you to jump off a bridge would you do it? Bender: I'll have to check my program ... yep. Leela: Open up! Fry: C'mon, Bender! It's up to you to make your own decisions in life. That's what separates people and robots from animals ... and animal robots. Bender: You're full of crap, Fry! You make a persuasive argument, Fry. Fry: Come on, Bender! You can do it. Bender: Can't ... I ... can't ... do ... it! Fry: Yes! Bender: You were right, Fry! From now on I'm going to bend what I want, when I want, who I want! I'm unstoppable! Fry: I don't know how you did that. Leela: Wait! Bender: No, thanks. Bender: Looks like one of us will have to bend this grate. Fry: Good Lord! What is this? Bender: It's the decaying ruins of Old New York. Welcome home, pal! Fry: It's my old neighbourhood. Man, this brings back a lot of memories. Bender: Keep 'em to yourself, Pops! Fry: This is where I brought my girlfriend on our very first date. Fry: My God! She's gone. Everyone I ever knew or cared about is gone. Bender: Wait! There's someone you know! Fry: Oh, can't you leave me alone? I'm miserable enough already. Leela: Look, I know it's not much consolation but I understand how you feel. Fry: No, you don't. I've got no home, no family- Bender: No friends. Fry: My whole world is gone. You can't possibly understand what it feels like to be so alone. Leela: I understand. I'm the only one-eyed alien on this whole planet. My parents abandoned me here as a baby and I don't even know what galaxy they were from. I know how it feels to be alone. Fry: Look, Leela, I don't understand this world but you obviously do, so I give up. If you really think I should be a delivery boy, I'll do it. Your chip. What are you doing? Leela: Quitting. Fry: Why? Leela: Because I've always wanted to. I just never realised it before I met you. Fry: What is the matter with you? Bender: I just wanted to be part of the moment. Leela: Hey! He stole my ring! Bender: Sorry. Well, that solves the mystery of the missing ring. This calls for a drink. Leela: I don't wanna spoil the party but we're all job deserters now. We're unemployed and we have nowhere to go. Fry: Correction We're unemployed but we have a doddering old relative to mooch off of. Clark: Hello, I'm Dick Clark's head. Welcome to a special year 3000 edition of New Year's Rockin' Eve! Farnsworth: Who are you? Fry: I'm your dear old Uncle Fry. Farnsworth: I don't have an Uncle Fry. Bender: You do now! Farnsworth: By God, I am your nephew! This is absolutely incredible! Bender: Can we have some money? Farnsworth: Oh, my, no. Farnsworth: Let me show you around. That's my lab table and this is my work-stool. And over there is my intergalactic spaceship! And here's where I keep assorted lengths of wire. Fry: Whoa! A real live spaceship! Farnsworth: I designed it myself. Let me show you some of the different lengths of wire I used. Smitty: Attention, job deserters! Come out with your hands up. We have you partially surrounded. Fry: No! Nixon: Get those bums! Bender: Well, we're boned! Leela: Can't we get away in the ship? Farnsworth: I suppose it is technically possible. Though I am already in my pyjamas. Fry: I'll get us out of here. Farnsworth: Can anyone drive stick? Leela: I can. As long as I don't have to parallel park. Url: If they try to take off, give 'em an ass-ful of laser. Leela: Prepare for lift-off. Ten. Crowd: Nine! Crowd: Amania! Crowd: Seven! Aliens: Six. Terry: Five! Nimoy: Four. Farnsworth: Three. Bender: Two. Leela: One! Fry: Blast-off! Nixon: Fire! Fire! Smitty: I can't see nothing. Pretty though! Fry: So, I guess, without jobs, we'll be fugitives forever. Farnsworth: Not necessarily. Are you three, by any chance, interested in becoming my new spaceship crew? Bender: New crew? W-What happened to the old crew? Farnsworth: Of those poor sons of- But that's not important. The important thing is I need a new crew. Anyone interested? Fry: Yes! Yes! That's exactly the job I've always wanted! Leela: Thanks for the offer, Professor, but we don't have the proper career chips. Farnsworth: Oh, that won't be a problem. As luck would have it, I saved the chips from my previous crew. Fry: This is awesome! Are we gonna fly through space fighting monsters and teaching alien women to lurve? Farnsworth: If by that you mean "transporting cargo" then yes. It's a little home business I started to fund my research. Fry: Cool! What's my job gonna be? Farnsworth: You will be responsible for ensuring that the cargo reaches its destination. Fry: So, I'm gonna be a delivery boy? Farnsworth: Exactly! Fry: Alright! I'm a delivery boy!

Leela: That was the worst delivery ever. Fry: Yeah. I'm never going to another planet called "Cannibalon"! Bender: Me neither. Food was good, though. Farnsworth: Oh, great news, everyone. Bender: Shove it! We quit! Farnsworth: In that case I'll have to hire a new crew to go on our company vacation. Leela: Vacation? Bender: Alright! Fry: This is great! I haven't had time off since I was 21 through 24. Farnsworth: It's just my way of thanking you for not reporting my countless violations of safety and minimum wage laws. Bender: Aww, you! Farnsworth: I've booked us all on the maiden voyage of the largest, most luxurious space cruise ship ever built. The Titanic! Leela: Looks nice. Fry: Hey, uh, where's my suitcase? Ow! Poopenmeyer: As Mayor of New New York, it's my pleasure to introduce the honorary captain for the Titanic's maiden voyage. A man who single-handedly defeated the Retiree People of the Assisted Living Nebula Zapp Brannigan! Leela: Oh, God! Not Zapp Brannigan! Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan? Leela: Let's just say we've "crossed paths". Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him? Zapp: She's a beautiful ship, alright. Shapely ... seductive. I'm gonna fly her brains out. And now, without further adieu, I christen this ship, Titanic. Zapp: Well, well, well! The Lady Leela. Take notes, Kif. You're about to witness the subtle waltz known as seduction. So, trapped on a ship with me. What say you and I knock some very sensual boots? Leela: It's tempting, but, uh, I have a fiancé now. Uh, hmm, uh, hmm, uh, we-, uh ... Him! Fry, darling, meet Zapp Brannigan. Fry: Huh? Ooh! How do you do? Farnsworth: Ah, here's my stateroom. Bender: Come on, where is it? Farnsworth: Now, Hermes, you and your lovely wife, LaBarbara, have the suite through there. And Dr. Zoidberg, your marble tank is on the other side. Fry: Man, first class seems nice! Farnsworth: It'll seem even nicer once you've seen your room. Amy: Looks like we're on the Fiesta Deck. Leela: This is it. Fry: Well at least we get a window! Bender: Well, I'm tired of this room and everyone in it. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna pop over to the casino for the next 135 hours! Amy: I think I'll go and fill up on bisque at the buffet. Fry: I guess that just leaves you and your fake fianc´ ... all alone ... on a romantic cruise. Leela: Take it off or I'll break it off. Fry: OK! Zapp: Captain's inspection! Bender: Hmm. I'm bettin' it all! Come on, baby needs a new pair of feet! Croupier: Snake eyes. Bender: No! My cheating unit malfunctioned! You gotta give me a do-over! Croupier: Sorry, the house limit is three do-overs. Next shooter. Bender: Gimmie you're biggest, strongest, cheapest drink. Izac: You got it! Bender: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Bender. Countess: Charmed. I'm the Countess de la Roca. I was surprised to see another robot staying in first class. Most of the robots I meet are labourers. Bender: I assure you, I barely know the meaning of the word "labour". Countess: Oh, Mr. Bender! Bender: Please, call me Bender. Countess: Oh, goodness. I don't- Zapp: Kif, I'm feeling the captain's itch. Kif: I'll get the powder, sir. Zapp: No, the itch for adventure! Prepare to change course. Kif: Sir, this is a leisure cruise. Our path was set by the travel agency. Zapp: That's for schoolgirls! Now here's a route with some chest hair. Kif: But that course leads directly through a swarm of comets. Zapp: Yes, comets! The icebergs of the sky. By jack-knifing from one to the next at breakneck speed we might just get some kind of gravity boost ... or something. It's time to shove a jalapeño up this ships tailpipe. Divert power from the shields, full speed ahead! Amy: Oh, yeah! Mrs. Wong: Amy! Hello! Amy: Mom? Dad? What are you doing here? Mr. Wong: We were planning on enjoying a relaxing vacation. But since you're here, we'll have to do some meddling. Mrs. Wong: We met the nicest boy in the cabin next to ours. Mr. Wong: He's not very ugly. Mrs. Wong: You should marry him! Or at least use him to conceive a grandchild for us. Mr. Wong: There he is at the buffet! Amy: Uh, he seems really nice but, well, I already have a boyfriend. Mrs. Wong: Really? Where is he? Mr. Wong: And why isn't he here right now fathering our grandchild? Amy: Uh... Leela: Well, our accommodations aren't great, but it sure is beautiful out here. Fry: Yeah, it's pretty romantic- Uh, I mean platonic. Th-That sure is one platonic view! Leela: Fry, just be quiet. I'm beginning to think this whole fake fiancé thing was a terrible, terrible- Fry: Hmm? Mmm! Zapp: Leela, perhaps this is an awkward time but if things don't work out with this pipsqueak here ... ... I just want you to know I'll be there to score you on the rebound. Leela: Uh, look, before you get any crazy ideas, that was for Zapp. Fry: Well, you got anything else for him? Leela: Alright, can we try not to complicate this? Amy: Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet Fry, my boyfriend. Fry: Hmm? Mmm! Fry: See you later, wuvvums! Leela: It would have been nice if you'd told me you were going out with Amy. Fry: I'm not going out with Amy. It's just to fool her parents. Hey, you're not jealous, are you? Leela: What? No. No! Of course not! Fry: Good, 'cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more meaningful. Countess: Mind if I freshen up a bit before we go out? Bender: I was just about to suggest the same thing. Pay dirt! Countess: Lovely, isn't it? Bender: Yeah. But only 93% as lovely as you. Countess: Oh, Bender! Either that was a computing error or you're the most romantic robot I've ever met! Bender: I don't get it, iZac; that bracelet had a diamond the size of a racoon's brain. Why couldn't I steal it? Izac: It's obvious, Mr. B. You're in love. Bender: Oh, it's true. But we're star-crossed robots. She, a countess, built with a silver spoon in her mouth. And me, just a regular honest Joe. Izac: Hey, you gonna pay for those? Bender: Hell, no! Izac: Security to bar area. Security to bar area. Bender: Fellas, please. I'm in love! Izac: Rough him up! Countess: What are you doing? Izac: This penniless chump was stealing drinks, ma'am. Countess: I see. Here you are, sir. Keep the change. Izac: You got it! Zoidberg: Aha! Fry: Go, Professor! Amy: Lean back more! Farnsworth: Ow! Labarbara: Come on, Hermes, you could out-limbo all of these people! Hermes: Don't be a dog heart, woman. You know I can't. Not after what happened. Announcer: Now limbo-ing for the Earth team, Hermes Conrad. Boy: You're my hero, Hermes! I'm gonna be just like you! Hermes: No, boy, stop! It's too low! Your backbone can't take it! Boy: I'm just like Hermes! I'm just like- Hermes: Nooo! Labarbara: There, there. Now you don't have to limbo if you don't want. It doesn't make you any less of a man. Farnsworth: Though it did get me some action! Hattie: I like a man who's flexible! Zapp: Your attention, please. As captain of this vessel, the terrible burden of naming a limbo contest winner is mine and mine alone. Kif: Shouldn't you be steering between the comets? Zapp: And the winner is, Leela! Leela: But I didn't even limbo. Zapp: No matter. I know from personal experience how horizontal you can get. As your reward, you and that hairpile are invited to dine at the captain's table this evening. Bender: Well, now you know. I'm not actually rich. I'm a fraud. A poor, lazy, sexy fraud. This isn't even a real bow-tie, it's magnetic. Countess: Bender, I don't care whether you have money. I love you for your artificial intelligence and your sincerity simulator. Bender: You do? Really? Zapp: I like your style, Fry. You remind me of a young me. Not much younger, mind you. Perhaps even a couple of years older. Fry: Thank you, sir. Zapp: As a gentleman, I must warn you. If you so much as glance at another woman, I'll be all over Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure. Fry: Well, rest assured, Leela's the only girl for me. Amy: Hey, Fry. Leela: Amy! Amy: Leela! Zapp: Ah, the family Wong. Our party is complete. Leela: What are we gonna do? Fry can't pretend to be both our boyfriends. Fry: Sure I can. I learned how to handle delicate social situations from a little show called Three's Company. Zapp: I'd like to impose a toast on the happy couple. Down the hatch! Mrs. Wong: Hear, hear! Now let's have a kiss! Zapp: Yes, Fry. Plant one on your woman. Fry: Um, let me think. Come and knock on our door, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh. Uh, Mr. Roper- Mr. Wong: What's the hold up? Kiss my daughter already! Farnsworth: Wait, I'm confused. Now tell me, Fry, which one of these ladies are you involved with? Fry: Uh... Kif: Captain, may I have a word with you? Zapp: No. Kif: It's an emergency, sir. Zapp: Come back when it's a catastrophe. Oh, very well. Amy: Well, with Zapp gone and my parents still here, I suggest Fry give me a nice, convincing kiss. Fry: Ah, now there's something we can all enjoy. Kif: Sir, remember your course correction? Zapp: No. Kif: Well it's proving somewhat more suicidal than we'd initially hoped. Zapp: Kif, old friend, I don't know which disgusts me more Your cowardice or your stupidity! We'll simply set a new course for that empty region over there. Near that black-ish hole-ish thing. Fry: Hey, Leela, why'd you run off from dinner? Leela: I didn't run off. I had plenty of time to finish eating and stroll away while you were kissing Amy. Fry: Oh, look, I'm not actually interested in her if that's what's bothering you. Leela: Oh, are you sure? I mean, she has two eyes, you have two eyes. Fry: I know, we seem like a perfect match, but I just don't feel that way about her. Leela: Nice nebula. Fry: Yeah. Leela: Look's like everybody's got somebody. Except me. Fry: And me. Leela: What was that? Oh, my God! We're heading straight into a black hole. Fry: Talk about a mood killer! Zapp: Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. Nothing remains now but for the captain to go down with his ship. Kif: Why, that's surprisingly noble of you, sir. Zapp: No, it's noble of you, Kif! As of now ... ... you're in command. Congratulations, captain! Leela: OK. We just have to get from here to the escape pods. Farnsworth: I'm too young to die! Leela: Come on, before it's too late! Bender: You all go without me. I'm gonna take one last look around. You know, for, uh, stuff to steal. Fry: You're going back or the Countess, aren't you? Bender: Alright, I am. But I don't want the others to know. If I don't come back, just say I died robbing some old man. Fry: I'll tell them you went out prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger. Bender: I love you, buddy! Bender: Countess? Countess? Countess: Bender! Countess: I fell through the deck. Bender: Are you hurt, my sweet? Countess: No. Luckily a family broke my fall. Bender: Just hang on! I'll take care of that fire! Countess: Bender, you risked your life to save me. Bender: And I'd do it again. And perhaps a third time. But that would be it. When we kiss, I feel like I'm standing waist-deep in a pool of cold, rising water. Leela: Hurry! The escape pods should be just ahead! Hermes: Faster! Leela: It won't move. And the door release is on the other side. Fry: Then we're dead meat. No one could squeeze under there! Hermes: No one, except a legendary limbo champion. Labarbara: Oh, Hermes! Hermes: Ooh! It's been a while. This one is for that little kid who's limbo-ing up in heaven right now. Labarbara: That's my man, alright, baby, limbo! Hermes: I still got the moves! Zoidberg, lower the door another inch. Labarbara: Just go on through and hit the release, you hot dog! Hermes: Yes, dear. Labarbara: That's my man! Amy: Yay, Hermes! Hermes: Uh, can somebody help me up? Countess: Well, now what are we going to do? Bender: Wait a second. Aren't you a member of the yacht club? Countess: By God, you're right! I'm a class-3 yacht. Farnsworth: Thank God there are plenty of escape pods. We won't have to dress up like women and children. Leela: We can't leave yet. We've got to wait for Bender. The high gravity must be slowing down his looting. Mrs. Wong: Amy! Amy: Mom? Dad? You're alive! Mr. Wong: Yeah, but so what? The important thing is we found you a new man. Mrs. Wong: A captain. Amy: Uh, Mom, I don't- Hi! Kif: Hello! Farnsworth: I don't feel well! Fry: Look! It's our nebula. Whenever I see it I'll think back to that moment when we almost- Never mind! Hermes: Everyone else is off the ship. Where in Babylon is Bender? Leela: I don't know. But we can't wait any longer. Fry: Goodbye, Bender. Bender: Wait for us! Leela: Something's wrong. We're two metric tons overweight. Amy: Well, it's not me! Fry: Look! Countess: I'm slipping, Bender. The pull is too strong! Bender: I can't live without you. If you let go, I let go! Countess: No! You have too much to live for. It may hurt for a while but one day you'll share your love again. After all, it's shareware. Bender: Don't talk like that. Tragic romances always have a happy ending. Countess: Farewell! Bender: No! Bender: She's gone. Leela: But she saved all our lives. Without her, we're light enough to get away. Fry: Don't cry, Bender. Nobody really knows what happens in a black hole. It's possible she's still alive in another dimension somewhere. Right, Professor? Farnsworth: Oh, yes, absolutely! Not a chance! Bender: At least I'll always have her bracelet! What do you think it's worth? Hermes: It's fake, mon!

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. We've been hired to make our 100th delivery. Zoidberg: 100! Hermes: That's almost 10 per year. Bender: This calls for a party, baby. I'm ordering a hundred kegs, a hundred hookers, and a hundred Elvis impersonators who aren't above a little hooking, should the occasion arise! Elzar: Be very gentle, folks. This is the soufflé you'll be delivering to Mrs. Astor. Bender: Oh my God, it's Elzar! Hi, Elzar! Great soufflé, Elzar! Elzar: Whatever you do, don't drop it. See, Mrs. Astor takes nitroglycerine for her heart, and being a class act, she prefers it in soufflé form. Bam. Farnsworth: To prevent the soufflé from exploding, Bender will carry it. He's gyroscopically stable. Farnsworth: Look, Mrs. Astor's mansion, just across that rickety rope bridge. Amy: Wow, it's ricketier than it looks. You'd better try to jump it, Bender. Bender: Okay, let me back up for a running start. Hobsy: I shall inform Mrs. Astor that the circus is in town. Hobsy: Your soufflé, Madam. Mrs. Astor: I shall take it here, under my fork. Zoidberg: Where's the exploding? Hobsy: One does not explode in Mrs. Astor's face. Mrs. Astor: I couldn't eat another bite. Hobsy? Mrs. Astor: Well done, sir. Have you a name? Farnsworth: Hubert Farnsworth, at your service. Mrs. Astor: A Farnsworth, you say? Well, if I'm not mistaken, the Farnsworths have been in New New York for almost two hundred years. Farnsworth: Yes, I have. Fry: And I'm his uncle! Mrs. Astor: How charmingly unconventional. Fry: I can eat a hotdog underwater. Mrs. Astor: Say, would you Farnsworths care to be my guests tomorrow at the Astor Endowment Fundraiser? All the best families will be there. Fry: We can take 'em. Mrs. Astor: On April 10, 2912, my late husband and I set off down Fifth Avenue aboard the Land Titanic, the largest street-going vessel ever built. Just four days into her maiden voyage, as we approached 32 Street, the line-liner struck a mailbox and went down. 2000 souls were lost that day, including my dear husband. In loving memory, I established the Mr. Astor Endowment, which this year supports the United Mutant Scholarship Fund. Fry: Mutants? That's the kind of thing you are. Leela: Shh. You know mutants aren't allowed on the surface. If anyone asks, say I'm an alien, remember? Fry: Right. You gonna finish that roll? Leela: Shh. Mrs. Astor: Now a short film about those pitiable creatures so in need of our charity. Narrator: Far beneath the everyday rumble of limousines and poodle feet, there toil a downtrodden people even less well off than the upper middle class. The noble sewer mutants. For you see, generations of exposure to toxic sewage mutated them into horrific monsters! Leela: Shut up! Narrator: These industrious, uh, people, I guess, maintain the various pipes and poop chutes that keep decent, above-ground society functioning. And where do these proud toileteers learn their menial skills? At Brown University, the nation's premier institution of lower learning. So please, give generously, knowing some poor helpless mutant will thank you. Not in person, thank God! Leela: Well, that was disturbing. Mrs. Astor: Oh, I understand, dear. They are hideous. Leela: Look, I guess you mean well, but isn't that university just a tax-deductible sewer-cleaning service? Mrs. Astor: My dear, that school is about much more than sewer pipes. Leela: Really? Mrs. Astor: It's also about keeping those filthy things busy. There are thousands of them down there, breeding like rats. Royalty Girl: My great uncle once saw a rat. Mrs. Astor: If we don't keep them busy, they'll start jabbering on about equal rights in their ill-bred manner. Leela: Let's go. If I say one more thing, I might say it with my evening boot. Mrs. Astor: Well! Rarely have I never! Fry: Please, don't blame Leela. She's just a little ill-bred. You know how mutants are. Mrs. Astor: You companion is a mutant? Fry: But if anyone asks, say she's an alien. Mrs. Astor: Help! Police! Url: You may have eluded the authorities, but don't nothing get past Mrs. Astor. Leela: What's gonna happen to me? Smitty: Permanent deportation, you mutant. Url: You going downtown, baby. Way down. Raoul: Incoming! Leela: Thanks, Colonel. Colonel: Just doing my job, ma'am. Leela: Oh, Mom, Dad, I can't believe I have to spend the rest of my life in this hellhole. I'm sorry. Turanga Munda: It's okay, sweetie. Now that you're here, this hellhole feels more like a nice, regular hole. Turanga Morris: What do ya say we go get some sewer coffee, sewer cake, and Safeway ice cream? Bender: Well, the bottom's all stocked with cheap stuff. Who's in the mood to party? Whoo! Fry: Poor, Leela. I feel like I ruined her life. Hermes: You did ruin her life. Fry: You might be right, Hermes. Hermes: I am right. Fry: I almost feel like we should do something to help her. Hermes: We should do something! Fry: I don't care what you say, Hermes. Let's go. Fry: Oh, mighty mayor. We're here about Turanga Leela. Poopenmeyer: You mean Leela? Fry: Right. I mean sure, she's a mutant, we've known that for years. But we kept it a secret because she's a fine, upstanding... Poopenmeyer: Wait. You knowingly attempted to harbor a mutant? Hermes: We did harbor a mutant! Uh-oh. Munda: Look, Leela, there's Old Filthful. Leela: Urgh! Morris: And there's the West Side Pipeway. If those guys slack off for even a second, it could explode. Hey, guys! This is my daughter, Leela. Morris: Well, they're with the chuds, now. Leela: These conditions are deplorable. I swear, I hate every single person on the surface for making us live like this. Fry: Leela! Leela: What are you doing here? Amy: We were sentence to two weeks in the sewer for harboring a mutant. Zoidberg: Three dollars at the drug store. Fry: I'm so sorry I ratted you out, but, you know, after two weeks down here, I'll truly understand the plight of the mutant people. Leela: How dare you? You wanna understand something? Look at that lake. One dip in that toxic muck and your DNA will be permanently mutated. You'll grow a camel hump or a Zoidberg face. Zoidberg: Urgh! Leela: You wanna know what it's like to be a mutant? Jump in and go for a swim. Fry: I would, but I ate a bunch of potato salad, so... Leela: Yeah, that's what I thought. You are all surface. Bender: Fry! Hermes! Where my humans are? Ah, who cares? It is on. Horrible Gelatinous Blob: Hey, hey, hey. Hedonism Bot: I trust the orgy pit has been scraped and buttered? Bender: You know it, and there's mini-quiches, too. Hermes: It's getting cold and smelly. My odor-eaters(?) are going critical. Zoidberg: Maybe we can plotz in that giant cockle. Amy: Shmeepers, it's the Land Titanic, the biggest and onlyest land boat ever constructed... Hermes: This was one hell of a bus. Zoidberg: Well, everyone debone a bunk and get some shut-eye. Farnsworth: Zoidberg, show some respect! This is a sacred shrine to the thousands who lost their lives. Amy: Hey, I found a safe! Farnsworth: It's coming loose. Hand me some more of that cruise director. The original passenger manifests. Hermes: Spreadsheets were so elegant back then. Farnsworth: Just one other item. Amy: It's jewelry. Jewelry! It's jewelry, people! Farnsworth: It's a priceless quantum-force gemerald. Zoidberg: What's that enscribbled on it? Hermes: "My dear Mrs. Astor. My love for you is as unsinkable as this land ship and as brilliant as this stone. Dictated but not read, Mr. Astor." Amy: Aw! That's so valuable. Fry: Yeah, I'll never have love like that. Leela hates me now. Did you guys know I have a crush on Leela? Munda: What's a matter, Leela? You've hardly touched your toilet clams. Leela: Maybe I was too harsh on Fry. He didn't ruin my life on purpose. Morris: Things will work out, honey. Now here, have some more of what looks like lemonade. Bubblegum: Bender, I've been to wang dang doodles all up and down the galaxy, but this is the dangest wang I ever doodled. Bender: Oh, yeah! Come on baby, let's do it. Shake your booty, baby. Come on, yeah! Get out! Get out! It's not fun anymore! I wanna be alone! <Poem>Hedonism Bot: Alone with me? Bender: I said scram, grapey! [Scene: Land Titanic. Fry is the only one still awake. He gets up and walks out of the bus.] Leela: Fry? What are you doing. Fry: You were right. I don't know what it's like to be a mutant. But I want to know. Leela: Wait, I never meant for you to... Oh, no! Fry! Fry! No! No! Fry: Any effect? Leela: Sorry. I tried to scream but I barfed. Fry: I think I'm knowing what it's like to be a mutant. Zoidberg: So, what's with all the screaming? Fry: Hey, guys. Leela: Fry, this is the stupidest, sweetest thing you've ever done. And you know, maybe now, together, we can be an inspiration to other mutants. Fry: I hope so, Leela. Leela: Aw. Come here. Let me give you a kiss. Hug. Handshake. I'll text ya. Fry: My fellow mutants, until recently, I dwelt on the surface where a man can gaze up at the sky in wonder without a wet clump falling in his mouth. Mutant: We can do that too. Leela: Who's ready to fight for equality? The Devolution Revolution has begun! Beautiful mutants, please welcome Devo! Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: Hello, Sewer City. As long-time mutants ourselves, we support your righteous struggle and will do anything we can for you. <Poem>Dwayne: Play "Whip It"! Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: No. Play the other one. Leela: Now that we got their attention, it's time to hit them where they sit, by bending the West Side Pipeway to return all sewage to the surface. Fry: But who could possibly bend such a huge pipe? Bender: So lonely. Poor, sad Bender. Fry: Hey, buddy. Bender: Ah, what the heck? Mutants: Bend it! Bend it! Bend it! Fry: What goes down, must back up! Sal: Yucks. I picked the wrong day to wear my new Crocses. Leela: Prepare to storm the surface for the Million Mutant March. Colonel: Move out, Fry. We need out most disgusting mutant leading the charge. Fry: I'll meet you up there. I need to check out something first. Colonel: Okay. Vyolet, you're up front. Vyolet: Hey! Mrs. Astor: Mayor, this sewage debacle has gone on long enough. As your largest campaign contributor, I demand action! Poopenmeyer: Very well. $80 worth of action it is. Poopenmeyer: Voilà! We simply pump the fruits of our excretion into Madison Cube Garden. Mrs. Astor: Well, it seems everything is under... Vyolet: Two! Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: Four! Colonel: Six eyes! Mutants: The mutant people will arise. Leela: The segregation of the mutant people ends today. We demand equal rights, equal access to the surface, and the blood of your first-born children. That so we have something to give up at the negotiations. Mrs. Astor: I've never been so moved, and I see no reason to begin now. Hobsy, flush those creatures back into the hole they crawled out of. Hobsy: Madam's sewage seeking missile. Fry: Let my people stay! [He shoots a beam of energy at the wave of sewage, parting it. Bender: Neat! Fry: Mrs. Astor, deep in the sewers, we discovered the wreck of the Land Titanic, on which your husband land-drowned. Inside was something that might interest you. Mrs. Astor: The gemerald ring that my husband was to give me in lieu of children. So what, I have a chandelier in my car made of those. Fry: Not the gem. This passenger manifest. It turns out there were mutants on that ship, working below deck in the sewage galley. Leela'S Grandmother: I was just a young girl. Drain angels, they called us. When the ship started going down. My mother grabbed me and made for the nearest life-car. But the places were all taken by surface passengers. As my mother held me tight, I suddenly felt the gentle tap of a cane on my face. I turned to see the kindly smile of Mr. Astor. Thanks to your husband's humanity, I lived to raise my own daughter, and she, a daughter in turn. Leela: Mom, why have I never heard this? Munda: My mother's nuts. Fry: I beg you, Mrs. Astor, if you truly want to honor your husband's memory, treat these people with dignity, as he did. Mrs. Astor: Oh, he was a dear man, Mr. Astor. Randall, let's grant these mutants their freedom. Poopenmeyer: Okay. Dwayne: Are we not men now? Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: I'm forty percent potato, but close enough. Leela: Thank you, Fry. I think maybe I can stomach that kiss now. Fry: What the...? Mr. Astor: Good afternoon. I am Mr. Astor. I did not perish that fateful day, but rather plummeted into the toxic lake, where I mutated and lived in solitude until this ruddy lad here stepped into my mouth and lodged there. Mrs. Astor: Mister? Is that really you? Zoidberg: Horray! A happy ending for the rich people! Leela: Mom, Dad, Grandma, this is where I work. Munda: Oh! Was there a fire? Amy: So, Bender, how was the party? Bender: Only the greatest party ever! I don't need to have another party in my whole life. I am partied out! Fry: Dang! Sorry we missed it! Bender: We could have another one, if it would make you guys feel better. Fry: Really? No, that's not necessary. Bender: Hit it, Bender!

Transition Announcer: It's "The Futurama Holiday Spectacular"! Brought to you by... Transition Announcer: Gunderson's Unshelled Nuts! Amy: Ah, the Xmas season. Who wants a delicious unshelled nut? Bender: Ooh, I'll have one! Amy: Mmm... "It's NUTSO Good!" Fry: Oh. Leela: What's wrong, Fry? Are you regretting another wasted year? Fry: I don't know. Somethin' about Xmas just doesn't feel like Christmas. Farnsworth: Santa's coming! Initiate defenses! Robot Santa: God rest ye, merry gentlemen... in peace! Fry: Can someone please explain how you celebrate this crazy holiday? Preferably in song? Robot Santa: It's the violentest season of the year. Elf: Old Kringle-bot has come to spread some mugs of Xmas fear. Robot Santa: Sugar-plummy visions will be dancing in your head When I cane you from the comfort of my sled. Leela: On Xmas Eve, we don our gay apparel, Kevlar vests, asbestos stockings and a barrel. Farnsworth: And if Grandma's Xmas fruitcake finally reaches critical mass, It can be regifted straight to Santa's ass. Robot Santa: But the ornamental armaments are merely superficial, The tinsel and the trappings are just icing on the missile. The one thing that you need to make your Xmas day splendiferous Is a pine tree; a pine tree that's coniferous. Planet Express Crew (Except Amy): We have to have a pine tree as coniferous. Robot Santa: You're welcome. Fry: You know, Santa may have killed Scruffy, but he makes a good point. What we need is an old-fashioned pine tree. Farnsworth: Cram it, Virginia! Pine trees have been extinct for over eight hundred years. Leela: Professor, maybe there's some way to bring the pine trees back to life, like we did with the barking snakes. Farnsworth: Pine trees aren't barking snakes. They won't just turn up in a salad at Olive Garden. But there is one hope, and, as usual, it's Norwegian! Farnsworth: Behold! The Svalbard Global Seed Vault! Since 2008, the vault has preserved seeds of every known plant species in case of extinction. Hermes: And I brought a few seeds of my own. Norwegian Seed Guard: Halt! Wh-what's your business poky-pokin' about da seed vault, eh, guardian of mankind's precious botanical heritage dere? Farnsworth: We just wanna come in and rummage about a bit. Norwegian Seed Guard: Oh. So... okay. Bender: Yo, ABBA, what's that next door? <Poem>Norwegian Seed Guard: Oh, dat's da germ warfare repository. Leela: It's so close! Is there any chance of cross-contamination? Norwegian Seed Guard: No. Norwegian Seed Guard: Now, your pine trees were all chopped down to make imirgincee toilet paper durin' th' fifty-year squirts. Lucky da seeds have bin preserved here in da vault der. Amy: What's that splork on them? It's not germs, is it? Norwegian Seed Guard: No. Fry: Now that's a tree worth chopping down. Tinny Tim: Indeed. 'Tis a loverly tree. 'Twould truly be my finest Xmas eve- Nixon: Araroo! Nixon: That's what my poll numbers need Happy voters enjoying some holiday cheer. Cheney: As your Vice President, I order you to steal that tree. Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, welcome to the Annual White House Xmas Tree Lighting, brought to you by Gunderson's Nuts! Amy: Oh, no! Could the seed have been contaminated by a virus from the germ vault? Norwegian Seed Guard: Oh, yeh, I suppose. Leela: Wait, this could be a good thing. That weaponized virus made the sickly little tree grow big and strong. Leela: Wait, this could be a good thing. Reforestation has begun. Bender: Aw, jeez with this, hey?(?) Leela: Arguably, this could be a good thing. The planet has returned to its primeval state. Fry: Earth is just the way it was before the white man came! Farnsworth: Good news! All these pine trees are fighting global warming by producing oxygen. Happy now, Gore? Gore: Yeah, but I'd be happier if I had a set of lungs. Farnsworth: Wait a second! Oxygen levels are rising too rapidly! 10%... 20% ...60%! Gore: As long as it doesn't hit 70! Farnsworth: 80%! Bender: Y'know, I don't recall having done anything for a while. But I still feel like I deserve a smoke. Hey, cool, the air's on fire. Robot Santa: Ho ho ho! Everyone's dead! Stay tuned for another tale of holiday hilarity! Transition Announcer: Now, back to... Transition Announcer: ...the Gunderson's Nuts Holiday Spectacular featuring Futurama! Farnsworth: Okay, crew. Xmas break is over. It's time to destroy these gifts we forgot to deliver. Bender: Woah, woah, woah! How come we get off for every dumb human holiday but not for robot holidays? Leela: Oh, Lord, not Robanukah. Bender: I'm talkin' about Robanukah, the holiest six and a half weeks in the robot calendar! Amy: Pfft! That's just a fake holiday you make up every year to get out of work. Fry: Yeah, if it's real, how come there's no song that explains how you celebrate it? Bender: Because there is! Hit it! Farnsworth: Hit what? Bender: I've placed instruments under your seats. Play 'em or I'll break 'em over your heads! Bender: Robanukah may sound as if it's Jewish, But its ancient sounding customs are exceptionally newish. So take a hearty swallow from your robo-kiddish cup, Which will give me time to quickly make them up. Hermes: Do you spin a dreidel made from clay? Bender: Mine is called a droidel and it's rigged to make you pay. Amy: Do you eat these dummy tin-wrapped chocolate coins? Bender: Better! We got fembots with illegal five-speed groins! Shalom, Ruth and Esther! Ruth: Why with the music so loud? Esther: Would it kill him to turn up the heat a little in here? Bender: But by far the most important thing is oil. Leela: To keep the lamp light burning or to help the latkes broil? Bender: No, we pour the holy lubricant out from the sacred vessel Into this blessed pit so they can wrestle. Planet Express Crew: The extra made-up touch that makes Robanukah so special Is the oil in which the nasty fembots wrestle. Bender: We shall now begin the traditional oil wrestling. Will the referee bring out the ceremonial crudes of petroleum oil? Thank you, Abraham. Ruth: Not in the hair, please. I just had it did. Bender: Aw, no! These broads are s'posed to wrestle for six and a half weeks! But there's only enough petroleum oil for four and a half weeks! Esther: We're still gettin' paid, right? Bender: I told you it's an audition! Leela: Bender, four and a half weeks of oil wrestling sounds like plenty. Bender: This isn't a lousy reform Robanukah! We need more petroleum oil! Hoschel: I got me some whale oil, some squirrel oil- Bender: Not kosher! It has to be petroleum oil! Do you not give a damn about the hallowed traditions of Robanukah?! Hoschel: I reckon I do not. Anyways, Earth done run out of petroleum oil. Gore: I tried to warn you. One unit of free limitless solar power please. Hoschel: That'll be... I dunno... ten bucks? Gore: Um, can you make change for a Nobel Prize? Bender: Aw, man! Can't we just make more petroleum oil? Farnsworth: I'm afraid not, son. Petroleum only forms when organic matter is subjected to intense pressure for hundreds of millions of years. Fry: I can't wait that long! I've got ADD! Bender: This is so unfair! Ruth: I don't wrestle dry, Bender. I went to Vassar. Bender: Professor, I want you to look these poor floozies in the eye and tell them their oil wrestling days are over. Farnsworth: I suppose there could be a minute quantity of petroleum left. But it would be insanely deep within the Earth, at pressures so dangerously high that- Bender: Let's go already! Leela: Setting Bachman turners to overdrive. Hermes: We're getting pretty deep. Look! Mole coffins! Amy [Off Screen]: Oh, no! We tunneled into a tunnel! Zoidberg: What's that loud, boring sound you'll hear when I stop talking? Farnsworth: It's an albino humping worm! Fry: Why do they call it that? Farnsworth: Because it doesn't have any pigment. Farnsworth: What's our depth, Captain? Leela: Forty kilometers. Fifty! Bender: There must be petroleum oil down here somewhere. Go deeper! Deeper! Farnsworth: No, Bender! The ship can't withstand this much pressure! Sometimes it falls apart just sitting in the hangar! Bender: Professor, I've never asked for anything before, but seeing those fembots glistening with oil means more to me than life itself. Farnsworth: Oh, call me an old fool, but I believe the Lord is speaking through you. Brace yourselves, everyone! Leela: One hundred kilometers! Two hundred! Amy: I hate to complain about the heat, but the air conditioner is on fire! Hermes: My ice cream manwich! Leela: What the hell are we doing? We're all gonna die so this "junkyard Golem" can celebrate Robanukah. Bender: You vile racist! Haven't my people suffered enough? Now keep drilling for that petroleum oil, you selfish cowards! Although, then again, I guess any kind of oil would be just as- Everybody Else: Aah! Bender: Not my fault. Bender: I am so great! Bender is great! Bender, Bender, Bender- Man, where'd the time go? Hey, you guys wanna- Oh. Right. They turned into petroleum oil! I thought they were selfish, yet in the end it turned out it was I who thought they were selfish! Bender: Doo, doo-doo-doo, doo, doo-doo, doo, doo, doo-Doo, DOO! Bender: Hey, ladies, I found some... What the-? There was only enough petroleum for four and a half weeks of oil wrestling. But it lasted 500 million years! It's a miracle! Bender: Happy Robanukah, everyone! Coming up next, more thoughtful, interfaith hijinx! Transition Announcer: And now, the unrelated conclusion. Leela: LaBarbara, Hermes, happy Kwanzaa. We brought a chocolate cake. But now I'm worried that might be offensive in some way. Labarbara: Just sit down. <Poem>Bubblegum: Happy Kwanzaa, brother men and sister men. Hermes: Well, look at the cat the cat dragged in. Bubblegum: Kwanzaa tradition encourages educational gifts. So I brought Dwight my book on Mathketball. Dwight: Woah! Let me see that. Bubblegum: I'll sign it for you later. Barbados: Mon, it's a cold one out there. Hermes: Barbados Slim? Labarbara: Come in, Barbados. Look at yourself, all throbbing and shirtless for the holiday. I hope you're ready to celebrate. Barbados: All night long, woman. Hermes: I'm glad you all could be here with my family. Kwanzaa traditions are quite ancient, dating back over 1,000 years. Fry: Woah! Zoidberg: If only someone could tell us more about these traditions. Kwanzaa-Bot: Oh, yeah! Dwight: Hey, Kool-Aid's here. Labarbara: No, child. That's not a made-up character. It's Kwanzaa-bot. Kwanzaa-Bot: And I'm gonna tell you all how we celebrate Kwanzaa. Zoidberg, lay down a beat. Zoidberg: How about I just lay down? Kwanzaa-Bot: The seven basic principles that go to make up Kwanzaa! So sit yo' asses down and have some knowledge dropped upons ya! Labarbara: Kujichagulia... Barbados And Bubblegum: And umoja... Hermes: And the rest. Planet Express Crew: Now we get it! Kwanzaa-Bot: Sit back down! There's gonna be a test. My favorite's ujamaa. Bubblegum: Cooperative economics. Kwanzaa-Bot: Yo, boondocks, I'm talkin' here! Put away the comics! Ku'umba is another one, it stands for creativity. Barbados: Like the ever-changing nature of my sexual proclivities. Kwanzaa-Bot: I think there's one called "nia," but I don't speak Swahili, Sumthin' 'bout a pine tree and a oil-wrestlin' dealy? Farnsworth: That's from Xmas and Robanakuh, you plagiarizing lout! Kwanzaa-Bot: Yeah, I'm kinda losin' interest here. I'd best be rollin' out. But before I go, the most important thing... Dwight: What's that, Black Santa? Kwanzaa-Bot: You need seven Kwanzaa candles that you light up every night. But they best be made of beeswax or y'all might as well be white. Planet Express Crew: They must be made of beeswax or we might as well be white. Labarbara: Well, we got no beeswax candles, but these scented regular wax candles will do just fine. Kwanzaa-Bot: Girl, those stink sticks are for single women who take baths. If your Kwanzaa candles ain't 100% beeswax, you bring shame on your people. Labarbara: Well, now that won't do. Husband, show a little ku'umba and fetch some beeswax before Kwanzaa ends. Hermes: Sweet candelabra of La Habra, LaBarbara! Isn't this the last night of Kwanzaa? Kwanzaa-Bot: Who the hell knows? Hermes: Finally, a bee farm that's open late on Kwanzaa. Madam, I need beeswax. Petunia: You sure you don't need a little honey, handsome? Maybe a taste of sweet nectar straight from the hive? Hermes: I just need some beeswax to make Kwanzaa candles. Petunia: Well, that's too darn bad. There ain't no beeswax in the whole world. Amy: Oh, no! This could be the year without a Kwanzaa, like every year before 1966. Petunia: The bees are acting all crazy like they've been drinking Tang and cough syrup, or as I call it, my Friday night. Farnsworth: My God! It's Colony Collapse Syndrome. The bees are swarming with parasites. They're all dying. Petunia: Yeah, but what a way to go. "Die young and leave a pretty corpse," that's what I say. Bender: You should say someth'n' else. Fry: Wait. I know where we can get beeswax. From those giant space bees that nearly killed us, and we swore we'd never go back there. Farnsworth: Let's go back there! Farnsworth: To communicate with the bees, we'll need to use these trans-bumbalators. Bender, say something in bee talk. Leela: I'm sorry, Bender. What do you want me to put on the glass? Okay, if we survive. Amy: Something's wrong. It's way too quiet. Fry: Like the deadly Prius. Farnsworth: Ah, here they come. Leela: They're in attack formation. They're going to kill us! That was weird. It's like the Jägermeister air show all over again. Hermes: According to Google Hive, we're at the exact center of the honeycomb. Oh! And there's a Jamba Juice point 2 miles that way. Bender: Does that thing tell you where the Queen Bee is? The big, fat, ugly, compound-eyed, hairy-thoraxed... Queen: Don't be applying your Eurocentric standards of beauty to me, fool. Hermes: What's with the kamikaz-bees? Queen: Man, my hive's been going buck-wild since these blood-ganking butt crabs moved in. Zoidberg: Been there, done that. Farnsworth: They're all infected, just like the bees on Earth. Queen: Brother-sucking parasites gone and disrupted our hivemind. Now, instead of working in harmony, my bees just talk smack to each other. Bee #1: Are you all black with yellow stripes or yellow with black stripes? Bee #2: Yellow with black stripes, man. Bee #1: Why don't you just move along? Bee #3: Let me ask you something, you sting my wife? Bee #4: What kind of buzzing question is that? Where do you get the wings big enough to ask me that? Leela: Okay, gang. We have plenty of beeswax. Let's get back to the ship. Hermes: No, we're not going anywhere. I can't abide all this bee-on-bee conflict. It's time to African-Americanize these honeybees. Listen up, bees. It's Kwanzaa, a time of Umoja. Amy: It means unity. Hermes: You have to learn to work together again. Queen: The crazy tablecloth-man is right. It's time to set aside our differences. Bee #1: Black stripe, yellow stripe. At the end o' day, we're just a couple of darn talking space bees. Bee #3: Hey, forget about it. Come here and give me a sting. Farnsworth: Look, the spirit of Kwanzaa is killing the parasites. Fry: Yuck, but yay! Queen: Thank you, my human brother. Your message of unity has touched our souls. We are once again of a single hive-mind. Kwanzaa-Bot: Oh, yeah. Zoidberg: Hurray! Kwanzaa-bot's here to save- Aw, they killed him. Hermes: Joyous Kwanzaa, everybody. Gore: Don't worry, the Futurama crew will be back next year, with all-new episodes featuring Bender, Leela and me, Al Gore, as Captain Lance Starman. And from all of us here at Gunderson's Nuts, happy holidays.

Farnsworth: Who likes good news? Everyone. Then good news, everyone! Our next delivery isn't to some dangerous, outer-space planet. It's to Earth! Fry: Earth is dangerous. I fell off my chair there once. Ow! Quit it, Earth. Leela: We won't even have to leave New New York! The package is going to Long Long Island. Farnsworth: Yes, to the lavish Mafia-style villa of the Donbot. Bender: The Donbot?! The vicious Robot gangster?! I'd better use my special Robot vision to see what's inside. It looks like a pair of clamps! Clamps: When are those new clamps gonna get here? These are all rusted-out with snitch juice! Donbot: Patience, Clamps. It is my eldest daughter's wedding day. You don't want the Space Pope to see a clampin' now, do ya? Clamps: Aw, jeez. I forgot my Pope manners. Space Pope: Dearly beloved, it is with great speed that I now pronounce you husband and wife. Donbot: What the- Joey Mousepad: May I help you with some assistance? Leela: Delivery for... Francis X. Clampazzo? Joey Mousepad: We don't got nobody here by that alias. Clamps: Hey! Hey! That's me. Are those my new clamps? Joey Mousepad: Your name's Francis? Bender: Guys, look. It's Calculon. And the Robot Devil! And an open bar! What's not to sneak into? Leela: Bender, you can't crash a mob wedding. Bender: You forget, Leela, I'm Bender, owner of disguise. Space Pope: And now, ladies and gentlemen, my good friend... Calculon! Calculon: Hey, this one's for the new couple. It's your day. It's all about you. Who's that singing at your wedding? It's Calculon! Calculon! Calculon! Bender: Ay! Oh! Piscopo! This guy! Bada-boing! Hey, sexy. I'm Bender. What brings you to this tacky soirée? Donbot'S Eldest Daughter: I'm the bride! Bender: Oops. How 'bout you, baby? Wanna do it? Fanny: Bender, it's me, Fanny! Bender: You who? Fanny: The Donbot's wife? We had an affair? Bender: An affair, huh? Sounds like me. Jeez, I'd better be a little more careful. I don't wanna hit on anybody I already had sex with. Fanny: Hiya, Bella! Bella: Hi, Mom! Bender: What about you? You're my third choice. Bella: Oh, Bender! This is all happening too slowly. Let's get married! Bender: Quiet! I'm makin' out with a floozy! Hold your clapper. Someone's comin'! Calculon: Donbot, please. I'll pay you back as soon as you lend me some more money. Donbot: Sorry, Calculon. It gives me no joy to do this... Because Clamps will be doin' it. Clamps, here are your new clamps. Clamps: Clamps! Calculon: No. No! Line? No! Bella: Yeah, Daddy hates welchers. The only thing he hates worse is witnesses... And guys who mess around with his daughters... Bella: And attempt to duplicate his meatball recipe. Leela: How was the wedding, Bender? Bender: Says who?! I didn't witness anything! Morbo: In entertainment news, two-time Oscar-pool winner Calculon was brutally clamped yesterday by an unknown assailant. Amy: Poor Calculon. Bender: Alright, Amy, you win! The mob did it. I saw the whole thing while also having hot sex with the Donbot's daughter. I'm scared and great at sex! Leela: Bender, you need to go to the police and tell them a tastefully edited version of what you just said. Bender: What, and have the Mafia come after me too?! No way! This secret goes to my grave! Male Voice: The Bureau is offering anyone with information about this gangland-style clamping a fifty-dollar reward. Bender: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! And- And then Calculon said, "No. No!" Bender: "No!" And, then, I ate some excellent meatballs. Can I have my fifty bucks now? Robot Stack: I enjoyed your story. Especially the tasteful love scene. But it's not enough to convict the Donbot. You'll have to testify... In open court. Bender: No. No! Can I have another fifty dollars? Robot Stack: No. Bender: No? Robot Stack: No! Bender: No! Bailiff: All rise for the honourable Judge 723. Judge 723: Be seated. Organised crime is a plague on our society and I will not tolerate any form of intimidation during- Bailiff: All rise for the honourable Judge 724. Judge 724: Good day. I'd like to say I'm prepared to tolerate several, if not all, forms of intimidation during this trial. Prosecutor? Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, the prosecution pecks for a mistrial on the grounds of jury tamperin'! Judge 724: Donbot? Donbot: Motion denied. Judge 724: Prosecutor, call your first witness. Hyper-Chicken: The people call our star witness Mr. X, whose appearance will be altered because he's in grave danger. Bella: Bender, I've been looking for you! Which cake do you like better for our wedding?! Donbot: Bender? Bender: Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! That was close. Yellow And Red Manbot: Isn't it true, Mr. X, that you were slandering this innocent Mafioso to distract from your own felonious past? Including the crime you made up yourself called burglarcenarsony? Bender: That's a wholly-owned trademark of Rodríguez Crime Concepts Inc.! Besides, I'm not on trial here! Judge 724: That's true. You're on trial in courtroom three. Judge 802: You are charged with two counts of burglarcenarsony. How do you plead? Bender: Not inno-guilty-cent! Bender: And then the Donbot said, "Sorry, Calculon." Bender: And then Calculon said, "No!" Donbot: I think we've heard enough. Bender: Wait, I'm not finished. Oh! Now I'm finished. Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, the prosecution roosts. Judge 724: Have you reached a verdict? Hedonism Bot: Indeed. After a steamy twelve-way deliberation, we find the accused guilty as- Calculon: Wait! The Donbot is innocent! Judge 724: Calculon, who is that escorting you? Hedonism Bot: Yes. Who? Calculon: My personal trainer. And he's trained me to say that my wounds were self-inflicted. For, you see, I'm a big Hollywood idiot dumb guy what does that sorta thing. Joey Mousepad: Perfect. Hedonism Bot: We find the Donbot... Calculon: Dramatic pause... Hedonism Bot: Not guilty! Amy: What? Donbot: Honey, if you're marryin' Bender, ya might wanna get a black dress for the wedding. Bella: That's gonna look hot! Robot Stack: Don't be scared, Bender. We're putting you in the witness relocation programme. You'll be given a new identity, a new place to live, and this iPod. I don't want it anymore. Bender: So I gotta hide forever?! Robot Stack: No. Just until the Robot Mafia finds and kills you. They're pretty good at that. Bender: Goodbye, Professor. Before I leave, I just want you to know I've never done any work whatsoever. Zoidberg, I know it seems like I can't stand you. Leela, you'll have to watch out for Fry now. Leela: Oh, Lord. Fry: I wish I could go with you, pal. Bender: Me too. I'll need a butler. Robot Stack: Bender, we have to go. Farnsworth: There'll never be another like him. Let's hire someone better! Donbot: Clamps. Clamps! Clamps: Huh? Donbot: Listen to my boss words. I would like you to apply for Bender's old job and cosy up to this Fry, his best friend. Clamps: Yeah. And I'll introduce 'im to my best friend. Clamp number one! Sorry, toots. Donbot: No, Clamps. No clamps. Sooner or later, Bender will contact Fry... As relocated squealers always do. Joey Mousepad: Then with the clamps... Francis. Clamps: Francis? Francis?! I'll clamp you with the Francis! Joey Mousepad: Ay! Oh! Take it ease. Clamps: Hey there, Slick. I'm 'ere about the job. Hermes: Take a seat. We'll begin the interview shortly. Hermes: We'll start with Andrew. Clamps: Yeah, they all kinda broke. So... When do I start? Hermes: Everyone, this is Francis. Fry: Hey, Francis. Farnsworth: Hello, Francis. Leela: Hello. Amy: Cute name. Hermes: Look what he can do. Clamps: Yeah, I do it all. Clampin', crimpin', occasional snippin'. Farnsworth: Snipping? Looks like you may be out of a job, Zoidberg. Zoidberg: That's all good fun. But, of course, a clamp is no substitute for the precision of a genuine- Amy: Francis, would you do the honours? Zoidberg: Stay off my turf! Clamps: Eesh. That guy can bite my shiny metal clamps. Fry: You remind me of my old friend Bender. Clamps: Oh, yeah? Where does he safely live? Fry: I dunno. Hey, you wanna come to my house and play? Clamps: Yeah. Sounds like freakin' fun. Clamps: Four stinkin' years of clampin' school for this? Zoidberg: Greetings, Francis. Sorry if I was a little hostile before, but snipping is the only reason I'm even tolerated around here. Not like you, with those magnificent squeezers! Clamps: Squeezers? Squeezers?! They're clamps, you! And if I wanna-in' snip with these clamps, I will snip with these-ing clamps! Why do you think they call me- Francis? Farnsworth: Eh, Francis, I have good news. It's time for your first delivery... To the Moon! Clamps: Fan-in'-tastic! Fry: Here's the two-hundred feet of rope you ordered, Sheriff Burley. Sheriff Burley: Hot diggety! You fellas wanna stick around for the hangin' tomorrow? It's gonna be a doozy. I sure do love hangin' people. Well, best start cuttin' the nooses. Leela: Oh! You know who could help with that?! Francis! Leela: Nice job, Francis! I liked how you didn't get drunk and steal anyone's organs. Like our old Robot- Fry: Bender?! Bender! It's me, Fry! Donbot: I knew Bender would turn up purely by coincidence. Take care of 'im, but do it quietly. Clamps: Don't worry. We're in space. Where no one can hear you clamp! Hermes: What do you know? The Feds gave Bender a new identity as a Moon farmer. Fry: Well, he must be afraid to break character in case there's any Robot Mafia scuzzballs around. Clamps: Huh? Amy: Come on! Let's go check on 'im! Clamps: I checked on a guy once. I checked 'im into tiny pieces! Hydroponic Farmer: Bender?! Nope, don't recollect nobody by that name. But let me ask my son-in-law. Billy! Bender: Yes, Moon pa? Hydroponic Farmer: These nice, big-city hillbillies are lookin' for someone named Bender. You know 'im? Bender: No, he ain't any of the eight people I ever met. Fry: Bender, it's us, your friends. You can drop the hillbilling moron act. Bender: Sorry, mister, but I'm no Bender. I'm just a simple farmer. Name's Billy West! Fry: Billy West. What a stupid, phony, made-up name! Hydroponic Farmer: You city folk are probably hungry from premarital sex and flag burnin'. Y'all wanna stay for supper? Amy: Well... My boyfriend and I were gonna have sex on a burning flag, but... I could have a bite. Billy West: May I present my beautiful Robot wife, the Crushinator. She's servin' up the dinner and the charm. Crushinator: Mashed chicken, Mr. Fry? Fry: Sure! Clamps: So, uh... Billy... Where were you born? Billy West: Right here in Moon country! Farnsworth: And how long have you been a farmer? Billy West: Reckon I was born a farmer. Folks say my momma was a hoe. Leela: Oh, dear! I seem to have warped my fork! Could you bend it back for me? Billy? Billy West: Bend it? I can't even lift it. Which is weird... Seein' as how my daddy was a forklift. Leela: Wow! Bender is really committed to his new Jethrovian identity! Billy West: If y'all are all finished, I'll drive y'all back to town in the old clunker. Billy West: So... Y'all flew here in a spacey-ship? Hermes: Stop talking like that! You live on the Moon! Fry: If that is Bender, I guess he's just happier in his new life. Farnsworth: I refuse to believe anyone is happy! Mr. West, would you mind if I examined your brain? Billy West: Examine? Heck. If you can find it, you can keep it. Farnsworth: Gadzooks! Bender's hard drive no longer contains any of his old memories. When the Feds bumpkinised him, they completely wiped out his old identity! Billy West: Well, I don't know about that. But who am I to argue with a man from the sky! So long, space heroes! Fry: You sure you don't wanna kill all Humans? Billy West: Pfff! I love all Humans! Fry: He really is gone. Fry: I guess I'm happy for 'im. And, honestly, Francis is a way better friend than Bender ever was. Hey, where is Francis? Billy West: One sasparoil, Sheriff! I'm thirsty! Sheriff Burley: Make it two. I'm greedy. Clamps: You got the rest fooled. But not me. Now let's take this outside so's no one else gets clamped. Billy West: You're the boss, stranger! Clamps: I'm gonna clamp your body parts off one by one. But, then, I'm gonna clamp your wounds shut so ya stay alive... While I clamp ya some more. Say your prayers, stoolie. Billy West: Okay! God bless grandma and grandpa- Clamps: They're next! Right now, I'm gonna cut your damn head off! Zoidberg: Drop the Robut. I thought I told you. I do the cutting around here. Clamps: Scuttle on home. This ain't none of your business, Slick. Zoidberg: My name isn't Slick. It's Zoidberg. John-ing Zoidberg! Fry: Stop, Zoidberg! You'll hurt Francis! Clamps: Oh, yeah? Take this! That that! Zoidberg: Oy! Clamps: Why, you lousy- I'm gonna clamp ya! Zoidberg: Oy! Ow. Ow. Ow. Clamps: Looks like an all-you-can-kill lobster fest. Zoidberg: That offer was for a limited time only. Clamps: My clamps! Fry: Why, Zoidberg?! Why?! Zoidberg: Because our friend Francis here is in reality... A bad murderer. Billy West: Yup. He was fixin' to kill me. This here crawdad done saved my life! Bella: Bender, you two-timing jerk! I put off my singing career for you! And, if I can't have you, no one can! Billy West: Aw, shucks. Fry: Bender! Leela: No! Hermes: What? Donbot: Bender was a helluva squealer. Maybe the best there ever was. We'll send his widow some meatballs. Clamps, Bella, get in the way-back. Fry: To my friend Bender. A wise man once said he was a helluva squealer. Maybe the best there ever was. All: To Bender! Bender: You pizzas gonna be another minute. We are still waitin' for it to be delivered. Fry: Bender?! Bender: I'm no Bender. You got me mixed up with another Robot. Fry: You're probably right. I don't really remember what he looks like. Bender: Guys! Guys! It's me, Bender! Fry: He's alive! Leela: So that Moon hillbilly who got murdered was just an innocent husband and father! Farnsworth: Bender, old bot, the Mafia thinks you're dead! You can come back to work with us! Bender: I'm back, baby! Brown-Haired Man: Pizza's here. Bender: Woo! I'll just cut that. Zoidberg: You do and I'll-ing gut you like a fish!

Leela: Where's the Professor? Bender: Eh, probably dead. Already dissolving in a bathtub if we're lucky. Farnsworth: I was out on the widow's walk keeping a hopeless vigil for the return of my first delivery crew. It's been fifty years since they disappeared. Fry: Huh. I knew you had other crews, but you never told us you had a first crew. Farnsworth: I remember it like it was interesting. Farnsworth: I had just built my new shipping and receiving emporium. Farnsworth: And I scoured the hardware-store parking lot to assemble the finest crew imaginable. Farnsworth: There was Candy, the raunchy by-the-books navigator... Lifter, the devastatingly handsome forklift... And Captain Lando Tucker, a dedicated young man with no characteristics. Lando Tucker: We'll deliver that package or die trying. Zoidberg: Eh! It's all my favourite patients. And also Captain Tucker. Pow! Candy: Whoa! Lando Tucker: You totally got me, Dr. John. You're hilarious. Hermes: Zoidberg was popular?! Amy: Zoidberg had hair?! Farnsworth: I never said he had hair! If you chose to imagine 'im that way, that's your business. Anyway... Farnsworth: The time came for our first delivery. Young Woman: Lando, don't forget about me and Junior. Lando Tucker: I won't, honey. Or die trying. Farnsworth: Well, crew, this is it. That cookie bouquet isn't going to deliver itself. Farnsworth: Ten... Farnsworth: Nine and so on. Three... Two... One. Scientist: Go, you big metal bird! Get up there! Hermes: Incredible! Zoidberg had friends?! Zoidberg: It was a different time. Farnsworth: Everything was going smoothly until right after that part I was just telling you about. Suddenly, Amanda's aunt called to say her niece hadn't received her cookie bouquet. Farnsworth: I watched the skies for weeks. With only occasional breaks to tender my grief diarrhea. Farnsworth: Just when all hope was lost... Farnsworth: The ship's escape pod! What happened up there, Johnny? Zoidberg: Aw! Don't make me remember! So horrible, it was. Amy: I thought you said he didn't have hair. Farnsworth: Yes, but something he saw on that mission traumatised 'im so severely, he grew hair! Just so it could turn white! Sadly, my brave crew was gone forever. Leela: That poor, incompetent crew. What do you think happened, Professor? Farnsworth: They were lost in the Bermuda Tetrahedron! Leela: That's ridiculous. The Bermuda Tetrahedron is just a myth. Farnsworth: I'm glad you're so brave in the face of the unknown, Leela. Because, for your next mission, you'll be flying directly through... The Bermuda Tetrahedron! Leela: Or we could fly around it. Farnsworth: Of course you could! You'd be stupid not to. Bender: Supposing we're not stupid, what kinda stupid mission is this?! Farnsworth: You'll be picking up a monument commemorating my lost crew. To be unveiled Tuesday at their memorial ceremony. All the grieving families will be there. Plus, a popsicle cart! Leela: You can count on us, Professor. We'll get that monument here in time. Bender: Hooray! Amy: Woohoo! Bender: Yeah! Leela: Or die trying. Zoidberg: We're gonna try- What? Green Alien: 'Ere you go. "In memory of the 1st Planet Express ship and it's crew". Leela: Hang on. It's shouldn't have an apostrophe. This means and it is crew. What the hell's wrong with you?! Green Alien: It's a minor error, lady. I mean, we're space Aliens. It's a miracle we can even speak English. Leela: The miracle is that I'm not kickin' your ass! I insist you recarve the entire statue correctly. Green Alien: Okay. Okay. Hey, Charlie! Hack off another block of ivory! Amy: Well, the statue's perfect now. Amy: Too bad we won't make it back in time for the memorial service. <Poem>Leela: We'll make it. Or die trying. Fry: Whoa! Leela: We're cutting through the Bermuda Tetrahedron. Bender: Woo! Wait. The Bermuda Tetrahedron? Zoidberg: Aw... I think I'm remembering that thing I forgot. Amy: Uh-oh. The dials are terrified! Leela: Brace yourselves. It's Tickle Me Elmo's fire! Bender: Ow. Leela: There. See? It was no big thing. Hermes: What was that big thing? Fry: It's a spaceship graveyard. Why did we have to come 'ere at night? Hermes: Look at all these famous lost ships. There's the Garmin. And the TomTom. Leela: Over there! It's the original Planet Express ship! Amy: What caused all that damage? Amy: Could it've been flavour-blasted? Leela: We'd better investigate. Looks like an Ion Storm, though. Everyone suit up! Leela: Whatever happened here, that first crew left in a hurry. The table is still set from McDonald's value dinner! Zoidberg: I remember. I remember! This is what traumatised me. Such a meal to got to waste! And, with that... I have closure. Amy: Hey, Zoidberg. You're cockatieling. Zoidberg: Oh, no. Something's happening! What's happening?! Zoidberg: Oh, right! And there was a giant killer space whale. Bender: Holy crap! It's a giant space fish! Leela: Actually, the space whale isn't a space fish. It's a space mammal. Bender: Wow, interesting. I'm both impressed and being eaten. Hermes: Spacewalk, people! Spacewalk for your lives! Fry: Man, look at 'im go! Like a millionaire on a cocktail wiener. Zoidberg: Woob. Leela: I did it! I outran 'im! Zoidberg: Relax, friends. Zoidberg: Panic, jerks! Hermes: That's no ordinary space whale! It's a four-dimensional space whale! Amy: Of course! And it only breaches into our 3-D universe to hunt and fill its lungs with vacuum! Leela: Whatever its beef is, our one mission now is to get that monument to Earth. Leela: Correction Our one mission now is to avenge the loss of that monument. Amy: Shmeesh! He gonked off the engines! Leela: That won't stop me! Raise the solar sails. I'm goin' after that "Möbius Dick". Hermes: You been hittin' the Red Stripe, woman! Leela: Comport yourself, Mr. Conrad! When we're at space, the Captain's word is law. I could marry you and Bender against your will if I wanted to. Hermes: You wouldn't dare! Bender: I've been married to worse. Fry: Leela, I'm no doctor, but I'm afraid you be exhibiting symptoms of illin'. You're risking all our lives for your own personal obsession. Leela: There's nothing personal about this! That thing screwed up my delivery! This time, it's business! Leela: Maybe, if I move the compass like this, it will somehow kill the whale. Amy: Leela, we need to talk. You've gone from crazy like a fox to crazy like Fox News! Leela: Fear not the space behemoth. In my dreams, I've peered beyond its eyes and into the cackling hell within us all. Fry: Okay... That's a good point. Bender: Fry's right! Let's kill the Captain and order some strippers! Yeah, what he said. It's a mutiny led by Fry! Leela: That's enough insubordination, Mr. Fry! Bender: String 'im up! Bender: Things look bad enough without having to look closer at them. Look! Off in the distance! It's exhaling! Leela: Use boaty talk! Bender: Thare she blows! Leela: Alright. Which of you space dogs has the guts and know-how to harpoon that whale? Amy: I spent a semester in Africa harpooning giraffes. And giraffes are basically just land space whales. Leela: Miss Wong, you have the 'poon. Amy: Oh, God! I'm having a Serengeti flashback! Die, you dirty giraffe! Amy: Well, I got it. Now what, Captain? Leela: You know, I'm not sure. I guess I thought whales died when you harpooned them. Leela: Don't worry. Leela: I'll drop the anchor. Zoidberg: Ouch. Hermes: She's diving into the fourth dimension! Amy: We have to cut the rope! Leela: Negative, Sailor Moon. We're goin' for a sleigh ride. Hermes: I can see sideways in time. Amy: Gee, I see CGI. IGC ees I, eej. Fry: Poop! Poop! Bender: Aw, yeah. Bender! Bender! Bender! Bender: Aw. That was the greatest uncountably infinite bunch of guys I ever met. Amy: Look out! It's pulling us through a field of spacebergs! Bender: Stupid rocks! Think they're so great! Amy: Well, they are giant diamonds. Bender: What?! Bender: Come to papa! Fry: A lotta Bender fell outta the crow's nest! We need to cut the line! Leela: Enough of your mad obsession with Bender, Fry! We've got to murder that whale or die trying. Hermes: This has gone too far! Bender's one of Planet Express' most expensive appliances! And he's in trouble! Leela: That's it! I warned you. Fry, Zoidberg, I now pronounce you man and- Zoidberg: Aw! So close. Leela: Unsit me, Mr. Conrad. We can't let the whale win! Hi-yah! You're all too weak! I can see that now. So I'll have to be my own crew! Understood? You've gone mad, Captain. That's enough outta me! Now come on! I gotta find that whale. I found 'im! With my Oxo Good Grips Cheese knife, I stab at thee. You do know I'm stabbing at thee, right? Zoidberg: Hello. Farnsworth: Think, Zoidberg. You must remember something! Zoidberg: No! Nothing! For all I know, our friends could've been eaten by some kind of crazy space whale! Farnsworth: Damn that Bermuda Tetrahedron! It's taken my latest crew just as it took my first one! Zoidberg: Not to mention those single socks from the dryer. Am I right? Farnsworth: Shut up, Zoidberg! Oh, Zoidberg! The grieving relatives will be gathered here tomorrow in need of comfort. And, with no stone monument, they may well demand that I refund their admission fees. Leela: Where are we? <Poem>Hermes: In the belly of the beast. Fry: Like that Bible guy who got swallowed by the whale! Pinocchio! Amy: This is all Obsessy Bessy's fault! Bender: Right on, sister. We should be back at Planet Express right now. Hiding from work in the ceiling. But no! Leela: For the last time, I'm not obsessed. I just want this whale to die, die, die! Hermes: Uh-oh. What's that loud digesting sound? Fry: Holy crap! Four-dimensional bowels! Amy: Einstein was right. Leela: Why?! Why?! Also, what and how?! Male Voice: The great fish has chosen you for a higher purpose. Leela: It's a great mammal! See? It's got whiskers! And I saw it lactating earlier. Wait. Who said that? Deformed Man: I was once Lando Tucker, captain of the first Planet Express ship. Leela: Ew! I'm Turanga Leela, captain of the current Planet Express ship. What's going on? Lando Tucker: It's very simple. Well, actually, it's very complicated. Luckily, I'm here to explain it. You see... This space whale feeds on... Obsession! Leela: Wow. Are you gross-looking. Go on. Lando Tucker: The great space serpent- Leela: Mammal. Lando Tucker: Figured out long ago that no one's more obsessed than space captains. Leela: Oh! What are these things?! Get away! Lando Tucker: The whale's nearly sucked me dry. It'll need a new source of obsession once I'm gone. Leela: How many times do I have to tell other people? I'm not obsessed! Lando Tucker: The whale is obsession, Leela! And you are the whale! Leela: I am not the whale! All I wanted was to complete my delivery. Is that too much to ask? One chicken-pickin' delivery? This whale's gonna pay! It can't escape what it already is. Me! I am the whale! See? Old Lady: Fifty years, Junior! Fifty years of grippling sorrow! Paper-Hatted Salesman: Popsicles here. Can't mourn the dead without a popsicle. Leo: You think a popsicle gonna bring my daughter back?! Paper-Hatted Salesman: No, sir. Leo: You just talked yourself out of a sale. Inez: Poor Amy! My days of joy and luck are over! Guess I gotta quit that club. Morris: I can't believe our Leela's gone! Munda: You always think you're gonna disappear in space before your children. Farnsworth: Welcome, everyone. What a pleasure to see so many miserable faces. Zoidberg: Mmm! Lemony! Farnsworth: I had intended to unveil a beautiful stone memorial today. But, due to the recent tragedy, I humbly ask you to join me in a simple prayer. Munda, Morris, Inez, Leo, Dwight, And Labarbara: Boo! Farnsworth: No refunds! Shut up and bow your heads! Oh, mighty Isis- Zoidberg: Oh, no! My deal is doing the thing! Farnsworth: Good Lord! It's some kind of inter-dimensional space whale! Zoidberg: I just remembered. That's the guy! Oy! Now with the horror hair. Paper-Hatted Salesman: Popsicles! Fill your gapin' mouth with a popsicle! Munda: Leela! You're alive! Is that how you and your friends are dressing now?! Leela: Hello, everyone. I suppose you're wonderin' why my flesh has melded with that of a giant space whale. Farnsworth: I'll admit to a polite interest. Leela: At first, I was consumed by a dark obsession to kill the whale. Then I was consumed by the whale. Zoidberg: That sounds clever, but it doesn't explain much. Leela: Shut up, Zoidberg! Zoidberg: Okay. Leela: You see, beneath my obsession lay an even deeper obsession. An obsession so strong, it allowed me to overpower the beast's will and pilot it through space and time. An obsession... With completing my delivery! Paper-Hatted Salesman: Get your- Old Lady: Poor Lando... This is just how I want to remember him. Leela: Too bad! 'Cause he's still alive! Old Lady: Lando? Lando Tucker: Told you I'd be back. You've grown, Junior. Old Man: I'm sixty-one. Inez: I dunno him! What else you got?! Farnsworth: They haven't aged a day! The whale must have some kind of Möbius colon that endlessly recycles time and space! Scruffy: Yup. That stands up to scrutiny. Leela: I should've listened to my crew. That space whale wasn't a monster. It was the obsession of me and others like me that made it into a monster. Lando Tucker: Mainly you. Leela: On the other hand, the stupid fish did eat us. You guys wanna do this? Amy: Yeah! Fry: You know it! Candy: So, Johnny, are we gonna pick up where we left off? Zoidberg: Eh!

Fry: After centuries as a delivery boy, nothin' surprises me. Zoidberg: You stink, loser. Leela: Hey, Fry! Pizza goin' out. Come on! Fry: Alright. I'll take the red rocket. Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for... D. Frosted Wang? Not another crank delivery! Why don't I read these things ahead of time?! One time was funny. But, every week for ten years, not as funny. Ipji: True. Not as funny. But still somewhat funny. Fry: And... And then they burst out laughing a second time. I've been a delivery boy for a thousand years. Isn't there any room for promotion around here? Hermes: There'll be no promotions unless somebody dies. And, even then, only if we can bring 'em back as a zombie like Scruffy. Scruffy: Life and death are a seamless continuum. Fry: Well, could I at least get some encouragement? I could use a shot in the arm. I got shot in the leg! Bender: Roberto! What are you doin' here? Roberto: What? A fella can't drop in on ol' friends and hold 'em hostage? Zoidberg: I'm good! And you? Smitty: Attention, criminal Robot in the building. Smitty: Come out with your hands up. Bender: Never! Smitty: Uh, other guy. Roberto: Listen up, piggies! I want a hovercopter. And a non-marked sandwich. And a new face with, like, a... A Hugh Grant look. Roberto: And, every five minutes I don't get it, someone's gonna get stabbed in the ass! Zoidberg: He's bluffing. Ouch! Zoidberg: He's not bluffing! Url: You call for a chopper? Roberto: Nah. I specifically said hovercopter. Url: One chopper comin' up. Smitty: You know, URL. Sometimes it's almost too much for me. Url: You mean the respect we get and the high level of job satisfaction? Smitty: There's that, but I'm also talkin' about the non-stop promotions and the free hot ride. Leela: I do love a man in uniform. I mean a uniform that doesn't involve short pants. Fry: I can see I have no future here. My only option is to resign with dignity. Here are my shorts. Fry: Hello. I'd like to enrol in Police Academy. Policeman #1: You think you can just waltz in here with no pants and become a cop? Fry: That's the plan. Policeman #1: I like you, kid. I got no pants on either. Fry: I can see that. You're quite a bit taller than me. Policeman #1: Welcome to Police Academy. Fry: Hi! I'm Fry. Brown Robot: I'm the Sound Effects 5000. Fry: Wow! That would be impressive if you were a Human! Sound Effects 5000: Yeah... Policeman #2: On your feet for Chief O'Mannahan. Chief O'Mannahan: At ease, cadets. I'll make this short and sweet 'cause I'm PMS-in' like a lumberjack. Police Academy is not for everybody. You're gonna get your boobs scuffed. But, if you got the vulva to stick it out, I'll be proud to call you ladies policemen. Fry: Sir! Yes, ma'am! Black-Haired Man: Yeah. That's great. Now can you actually turn on the ignition? Sound Effects 5000: I don't have any hands. Chief O'Mannahan: Well, it's that time of the month. Graduation Day. So grow up hair and put 'em together for our new officers. Amy: Woohoo! Bender: Hooray for the pigs! Chief O'Mannahan: Graduates, you are hereby officially cops. Now movin' along. Nothin' to see here. Zoidberg: Hooray! Free sky sticks! Ooh. Police brutality! Chief O'Mannahan: Nice... Alright. Before we head out, I'll be teaming up our new officers with their ironically matched partners. Sound Effects 5000, you'll be with Gretsky. Gretsky: Ow, my tinnitus! Chief O'Mannahan: Fry, due to the unfortunate loss of Officer Smith, you'll be riding with URL. Url: And Smitty was just a few days from retirement. Fry: Wuh- What happened? Url: He took a early retirement. Damn. Farnsworth: Let's get down to business. Amy: Aren't you gonna say Good news, everyone? Farnsworth: No, I just said that for Fry's benefit. May the poor fellow feel better about his pointless job. Hermes: As much as I miss 'im, he didn't really serve much purpose around here. Though he did walk Zoidberg. Farnsworth: In any case, I've improved on Fry by sticking some wheels on a board so Leela and Bender can easily make the next delivery without him. Bender: Neat. So where are we goin'? Farnsworth: Pandora. Leela: That dangerous, 3-D planet? Can't we just send our avatars? Farnsworth: No! It's cheaper just to have you die. Fry: Whoa! Fifteen miles over the speed of light. Url: That's a violation of the law of Lorentz invariance, baby. Fry: Light 'em up. Url: Look out for that particular individual. Dandy Jim: An electric wall, eh? I can't see the harm in peein' on that. Url: Whoa! Where my man learn that? Fry: SunnyD commercial. Url: Let's refract this sucker. Fry: DNA and career chip, please. Url: Erwin Schrödinger, huh? What's in the box, Schrödinger? Erwin Schrödinger: Um... A cat, some poison, und a caesium atom. Fry: The cat! Is it alive or dead? Alive or dead?! Url: Answer him, fool. Erwin Schrödinger: It's a superposition of both states until you open it and collapse the wave function. Fry: Says you. Url: There's also a lotta drugs in there. Leela: So... You're a Robot? Chief O'Mannahan: You boys did good. Nailed a major violator of the laws of Physics. Url: He's goin' down. Cat's gonna testify. Chief O'Mannahan: Guys like this really bust my uterus. You're both getting a promotion! Ever heard of the Future Crimes Division? Fry: Tomorrow I have. Leela: Oops. Leela: I can't make out a thing! Bender: Well, I guess you should've had two eyes! Leela: Just deliver the package and let's get outta here. Bender: Screw that! I ain't no delivery boy! I'm the company's chef. Leela: Oh! You're the chef, are you? Then why don't you make us something nice to eat? Bender: I'll make you something- Here's your damn peanut butter and jelly sandwich! Blond Man: Now that we can predict crimes with 99% accuracy, we can arrest most perpetrators before they even perpetrate anything. Fry: That's ridiculous. Only horoscopes can predict the future. Blond Man: That's what we used to think. Until we invented... This. Fry: Whoa! Url: Slowed on, baby. Blond Man: The cybernetic oracle. The ultimate man-machine hybrid. Programmed with every crime ever recorded and implanted with the brain cells of History's greatest detectives. We call 'im... Pickles. Fry: On account of it's like he's floating in a jar? Blond Man: Exactly. The oracle's visions are recorded on these coloured balls. Green is larceny. Black is fraud. Red, homicide. Fry: What's pink pocodots? Blond Man: Clown slaughter. It happens more often than you think. Clutter in the ball! Red ball, homicide! Fry: Woo! Blond Man: Suspect Male, six-foot-one, distinctive mustard stain on his forehead. Hattie: My kajigger! Blond Man: Victim Hattie McDoogal. Fry: Look! The clock says 5 08. It's 4 30 right now! Url: Uh-oh. We only have a half hour to chill out before we head over. Old Man: Oh, Hattie. When I look into your one good eye, I see a reflection of beauty. Hattie: Oh, fresh. Url: Freeze, fool. Fry: You're under arrest for future murder! Old Man: Ja? You can't arrest me for future murder after it's right-now murder! Hattie: My kajigger! So he didn't really wanna marry me? Url: Nah. See, he knew you'd left everything to your parakeets in your will. Fry: He was gonna murder you, marry your parakeets, and then poison them with an arsenic-laced cuttlebone. Url: Classic move. Aw, yeah. Chief O'Mannahan: Congratulations on your big bust. Fry: You too. Chief O'Mannahan: Keep it up and you boys might just make detective. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go drop a big one. Fry: Wow! I can't believe it. One more promotion and I'll be a real detective. Like Sherlock Holmes or Speed Buggy. Chief O'Mannahan: Eight pounds. I'm namin' 'er Bert! Url: Mazel tov, Chief. That's a beautiful bathroom baby. Url: Ain't you headin' home, Phil? Fry: In a minute. I just wanna finish this paperless work. Url: Don't stay up too late. We gotta lotta people to shoot tomorrow. Fry: Hello? Anyone? There's never a cop around when you need one. Female Voice: Green ball, larceny. Fry: The thief seems to be some sorta ghost. Or is he? Bender?! Hermes: Item seven. Our corporate tax rate remained unchanged this fiscal year. Amy: That's not funny. Hermes: It's not supposed to be funny. It's a business meetin'. Zoidberg: Things used to be funny around here! Noses were picked. Pants fell down. So what changed? Only Fry could say... And he's gone! Amy: Hey! Bender and Leela are back from Pandora. How was it? Leela: Awful. We had nothing to say to each other. So we had to listen to Bender's Eagles album for twenty-seven hours. Bender: Beats talkin' to you, "Witchy Woman". Hey, meatbag! Hermes: Look at you! Leela: Hubba-hubba. Your pants go almost all the way to your ankles! Fry: Good afternoon, individuals. Sir, would you mind stepping outta the building? Bender: Normally, when a cop asks me that, I spray whipped cream in his eyes and run away. But, to ditch these losers, gladly. Fry: Bender, be honest with me. Are you planning a big heist? Bender: Usually, but not at the moment. Fry: I only ask 'cause the oracle thinks you're gonna pull of a major theft next Thursday. Bender: Next Thursday, you say? Pray, continue. Fry: Are you familiar with this particular location? Bender: I may have a burgling familiarity with it. Fry: Does the word Maltese mean anything to you? Bender: The Maltese Liquor?! The strongest and most valuable malt liquor ever brewed! And soon it will be mine... I'm sorry. You were sayin'? Fry: Bender, I'm only tellin' you this so you can avoid committing the crime. Bender: "Avoid committing the crime". Got it. Fry: You wrote "Commit the crime"! Fry: There's gotta be some way to stop Bender. Maybe something in the oracle's prediction that I missed before due to incompetence. Wait. Who's the trigger-happy jerk? That's me. I recognise the face. Bender: You shot me. You miserable dingus! Fry: No! No! What have I will have done? Url: Man, that's heavy. Osmium heavy. Fry: Are you gonna turn me in for concealing evidence? Url: Say what? You're my partner, home-Fry. Besides, I got my own secrets. Chief O'Mannahan: Anything big worth checkin' out? Url: Just your big, jangly booty, baby. Chief O'Mannahan: See ya tonight, toots. Fry: You... And- And the Chief?! Url: We been gettin' it on. Right there in your chair. I'm like, "Oh, baby! Oh, baby!" And she's like, "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." Fry: I would never shoot Bender! Never! He taught me how to shave. Url: Revision ball. By decidin' not to shoot Bender, you created an alternate future. Fry: I could never shoot you! Never! You taught me how to shave. Fry: See? Fry: Just get outta here. Go! Url: Now dig the unintended consequences. Bender: My friends, let us share this booze in a toast to our dear friend, Bender. Oops. Url: The Maltese Liquor done destroyed their brains. Fools should've known it's fatal for anyone but Robots and Billy Dee Williams. Fry: So, if I don't shoot Bender, all my other friends will die?! Url: Fate is a freaky mistress. Much like the Chief. Look out! Fry: Somethin' is not right. I refuse to believe it. Rewind! Hedonism Bot: Ooh. Are you the calloused working man I ordered? Bender: Uh... Sure. Bender: In order to fix your leaky roof, I'll need to spend two or three hours down here in the wine cellar. Hedonism Bot: I'll be upstairs putting batteries and things. Bender: Whoa! The Maltese Liquor! Forty ounces of Heaven! Here, boy. This is for you. Ah! Invisible safe, eh? Aw, yeah, baby. Two-hundred-and-ten proof. Fry: That's all the proof I need. Put the bottle back! Bender: We both know I won't do that! Either you're gonna shoot me or I'm gonna spray whipped cream in your eyes and walk outta here like a big shot. Fry: Bender, no! You don't have to do something just 'cause it's gonna happen! The future's making a chump outta you! Bender: Oh, yeah?! Well, I'm gonna make a chump outta the future! I'm not stealin' anything. Fry: Yes! I stopped the crime without shooting you. The oracle was wrong! Male Voice: Was I? Fry: Pickles?! Pickles: Yes. It is I, Pickles! I set the whole thing up. Everyone will think Bender's the thief, while I make off with that glorious brew. Bender: Seriously? Why? Pickles: So I can kill my Human brain cells. Do you have any idea what a burden it is to know everything that will ever happen?! To never be surprised. To know the punch line of every joke hours in advance. Fry: Like watching Leno. Pickles: And that is why I faked the prediction of this crime. Nevertheless, stay with me here. Things will now happen just as I fake-predicted. Bender, you're going to hand me that bottle. Not that one! The real one. Which you switched when Fry stupidly looked away. Fry: Hey! Bender: Aw, man. Why do you gotta be so oracle-y? Pickles: Fry... You are going to shoot Bender, killing him and shattering the fake bottle. Just as I predicted. Do it! It is your destiny! Fry: Funny thing about destiny. Sometimes fate has other plans. Oh, nuts. Bender: You shot me! You miserable dingus! Pickles: And now the part I didn't show you. Everyone will think Bender killed you. And I walk away with a goofy juice. Finally... Blissful ignorance! I have no idea what's going to happen next! Fry: Did you get that, Chief? Chief O'Mannahan: We got it all from behind this prediction-proof glass. Pickles: But... How could you know my prediction was fake? Fry: I knew somethin' was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then it hit me. You showed Bender sharing the deadly booze with our friends. Bender would never share! Bender: The very idea! Fry: So we set up this little charade based on an episode of Speed Buggy. Url: With the added benefit of me and the Chief bein' locked in a small room. Hedonism Bot: Shall we adjourn to the dungeon? Fry: Well, I got my shield for stopping Bender. But then I got fired for tipping off Bender. Farnsworth: Fry, we have no idea what you do around here, but we desperately need you back. Fry: Ruh- Really? Um, I don't suppose there's any chance I can get a promotion... Farnsworth: Sure! What the heck! I hereby promote you to... Executive delivery boy! Fry: Executive?! Hermes: It's a meanin'less title, but it helps insecure people feel better about themselves. Fry: I feel better about myself!

Hermes: So there it is, people. Due to budget cutbacks, we will no longer be offering free squid guts in the kitcken. Farnsworth: Oh, boo-hoo! Everyone, look at my latest invention. Zoidberg: Okay. Amy: I like how it's not killing us so far. Farnsworth: It takes any object and makes two smaller copies! Bender: Why? Farnsworth: You see... As I age, I've been shrinking and feeling colder. So now I need twice as many sweaters in a smaller size. First, I scan the old sweater. Then, we add some matter. Any old, useless matter will do. Now, the matter prism reorganises the raw material into two smaller copies. Fry: So that's where babies' sweaters come from! The Scary Door Narrator: Enclosed as a PDF attachment, a picture of yourself in a boat on a river. It's a river that flows in two directions. Make that three. It's a magic river, that's how. And it's flowing down the eerie canal to... The Scary Door. That's eerie with two Es. Consider, if you have the energy, Dr. Daniel Zenus, an inventor with a terminal case of the lazies. Dr. Daniel Zenus: This Robot will do everything for me. Robot, activate yourself and do my research. Ah! Dr. Daniel Zenus: Next, assume my social obligations. Official: Dr. Zenus, for a lifetime of scientific achievement, we present this award to... Your Robot. Boy: Daddy, I love you. Dr. Daniel Zenus: If only I'd programmed the Robot to be more careful what I wished for. Robot, experience this tragic irony for me. Robot: No! Dr. Daniel Zenus: Ah! Bender: Ah! Fry: Man, I wish we had a Robot to do stuff. Bender: I know, right? Farnsworth: Bender, thank God I found you in time. I need someone in the lab immediately to fold my new sweaters. Bender: I'm sorry. Do you see a Robot in this room named Folder? Farnsworth: Fortunately, I came prepared with a backup phrasing. Uh, Bender, would you mind bending my new sweaters? There's only two of them. Bender: Hey! Oh! You want me to do two things? Man, I'd call my lawyer if diallin' the phone wasn't such a hassle. [Scene: The Planet Express laboratory. Bender enters and sees the two unfolded sweaters. He mutters.] <Poem>Bender: Razzle, frazzle, two things! Ooh. Razzle, frazzle, duplicator. Now for some tasty matter. Howdy, fellas! I'm Bender. Bender Duplicate: Go to hell, old man. Bender: I like your attitude. Let's party. But, first, fold these two sweaters. Bender Duplicates: I'm sorry. Do you see a Robot in this room named Folder? Bender: Damn, you're cute. Bender: Hi! I'm Bender, this is my Robot Bender, and this is my other Robot Bender. Leela: Oh, Lord. Bender: They're 60%-scaled replicas of me, Bender. Leela: Does that mean they only do 60% of the work you do or that they actually do more work because they're only 60% as lazy? Bender: Shut up. That's a good one. Farnsworth: Enough good ones, everyone. We have a delivery to an Alien space giant. Hermes: You'll have to be respectful. This customer is fifty-feet tall and sensitive about his appearance. Amy: Colossal tooth whitener, mega deodorant, humongous acne cream... Aw, and one regular-sized condom. Bender: All that and a small wiener? This guy's got it goin' on. Leela: Remember Don't show any reaction to his appearance. Bender: I hope that's vanishing cream, 'cause that needs to go away. Bender Duplicate: That's cold-blooded. Leela: Shhh! Unattractive Giant Monster: It's okay. I understand. My unusual appearance makes people nervous. You used humour to defuse the tension. Bender: Yup. And there's still a little more tension, so look out. You so ugly, when trick-or-treaters come to your house, they give you candy. Bender Duplicate #1: You so ugly, when you go to the bank, they ask you to put on a ski mask. Bender Duplicate #2: You so ugly, you crack the Daily Mirror. It's a newspaper! Unattractive Giant Monster: I wish it weren't so, but many of these things are true. Anyhow, you've lowered my self-esteem a bit more, but I'm sincerely grateful you came all this way to deliver my fungus chizzle. Fry: Don't feel bad, sir. It's not your fault. You probably just inherited your appearance from your mother. Unattractive Giant Monster: What?! No one insults my momma. Bender: Oh, God! Shield your eyes! It's like Edward James Olmos on IMAX. Left Bender Duplicate: Did you see his face when I said he's so ugly? Right Bender Duplicate: No, I blacked out. 'Cause he's so ugly! Bender: Hey, guys, quit reminiscing and grab me two cigars. Left Bender Duplicate: One thing each? Right Bender Duplicate: Sounds fair. Bender: Wait. Make that four cigars. Bender Duplicates: You want us to do four things? Hermes: My manwich! Bender Duplicate: What's up, Shorty? Bender: And that's the story of how one of me became two and two became four, makin' seven total. The end. Leela: I just like having the end locker. It's not like Amy cares about it at all. But no, she won't trade with me. Zoidberg: A rat! Leela: Yes! She is a rat! Zoidberg: No! Look! Very Small Bender: Which way to the tiny hookers? Amy: A big, fat roach! Hermes: What? I thought I put that away. Amy: No! There! Bender On The Other Side: Who're you? Insect-Sized Bender: Bender sent me. Insect-Sized Bender: Hey, I know that guy! Farnsworth: Scruffy, what is that tiny Bender doing in my soup?! Scruffy: It appears to be giving you the finger, sir. Enjoy. Bender Duplicate: Help me! Help me! I'm too lazy to escape! Bender Duplicate: Ow. Bender: What? Hermes: This place is crawling with yous! Bender: So there's more Benders around. As far as I'm concerned, that's good news! Farnsworth: Bad news, everyone! Look at this infinite series representing the mass of successive generations of Benders. Fry: Don't wait for me. Farnsworth: It's nonconvergent! Fry: Oh, dip! Farnsworth: Unless we quickly exterminate them, they'll replicate ad infinitum and consume all the matter on Earth. According to my calculations, there are eleven generations at the moment. That's 2046 total Benders we need to destroy. Bender: Wait. Does that include me? Bender: Too bad he didn't have his own Bible. Farnsworth: Just 2045 more to go! Hermes: 2045, 2046. That's it. We got 'em all except for the big one. Amy: Wait. This isn't a real Bender. It's a talking doll from when Bender had that sitcom about the city Robot who moves back to the farm. Bender Doll: Shut your pumpkin, bumpkin. Bender: Alright. So I let one measly Bender get away. How much harm can one infinitely self-reproducing Robot do? Leela: Bender! How could you be so lazy and irresponsible? Bender: Wait, what? Did someone say I'm great? Bender: What's with the grey goo? Microscopic Bender: Bite my tiny metal ass. Bender: Hey! Those jerklings ate my couch. Farnsworth: Oh, God. We've opened Pandora's fly. They'll reproduce without limit, consuming all the matter in the world. Fry: Like the Kardashians. Bender: Now they drank my booze?! They've gone too far! Leela: Wait a second. All Benders are powered by alcohol! Farnsworth: Of course! Long before the Benders devour the Earth, they'll deplete the planet's booze and die off. This is a problem that will solve itself. Bender: A problem that solves itself? That sounds like a job for me, Bender. Morbo: Our top story All alcohol on Earth has mysteriously disappeared. Consequences are minimal, except among the most hardened alcoholics. Linda? Linda: I can no longer face my children! Leela: Crisis averted. Without alcohol, the Benders are dying off! Scruffy: A greater tragedy my eyes have never beheld. Well, into the terlet. Bender: So sober, so weak... Leela: Things really worked out nicely this time. Farnsworth: This doesn't taste like old-man water. Farnsworth: Everyone to The Situation Room! Farnsworth: I was lying here, snoozing, dreaming, oddly enough, about bathing in champagne with six of the world's most distinguished scientists, when suddenly I realised my bathwater had been transformed into alcohol. Bender: Alcohol? Fry: Chug! Chug! Bender: It's like fine cognac with a hint of aged scrotum. Leela: How can this be? I thought the Benders drank all the alcohol in the world! Farnsworth: They did. But then they made more! You see, once the Benders reached atomic scale, they began directly manipulating water and CO2 molecules to make alcohol. In a matter of hours, there will be no more fresh water on Earth. Bender: Oh, no! What will I mix with my Scotch? Linda: Hey, you! Good evening. Who're you calling drunk? You're not drunk! I'm drunk. Morbo: That's right, Linda. Water is now- Now booze and everyone's tetty much protally fitshaced. Linda: Turning to sports, the Indy 500 was today. There were no survivors. Amy: This chair is so comfortable. Bender: Classic Amy. Hermes: You wanna see a picture of my boy? Zoidberg: Sure. That's your penis! Hermes: That's my boy! Leela: I guess this is a... Not so bad. As long as we don't need to use our mental... Mental... Fry: Minds? Leela: Wha? Fry: No, listen. I... freakin' love you. But I don't throw that word around! Farnsworth: Oh, I know you don't. That's why I love you. Are the pizza muffins ready? Fry: He's here for revenging. That's why. Unattractive Giant Monster: No! Wait! I'm here to apologise. Leela: For your looks? Nice one. Unattractive Giant Monster: Well, yes, actually. It is sort of related to that. Can we talk? Grabbing your spaceship was not okay. I lost my cool and I'm sorry. In group, I learned that I tend to be a bit... Hermes: Repulsive? Unattractive Giant Monster: Sensitive. So now I'm, like, trying to work on my attitude and project an air of positivity. Zoidberg: You're projecting an air of something. Amy: You're so stinky, you need right guard and left guard. Unattractive Giant Monster: I'll take your hygiene advice to heart. Farnsworth: You're ugly! Unattractive Giant Monster: Hey! Ow! Zapp: Yo, freakshow! Your face has been declared a weapon of mass disgusting! Kif: Timeless. Unattractive Giant Monster: Okay, deep breath, deep breath. Dr. Lesterman? I'm sorry to bother you, but I think I'm close to a temper-control incident. Female Voice: You have reached the office of Dr. Judy Lesterman and Dr. Ira Rodkiss. The office is now closed. If this is a pharmacy call- Unattractive Giant Monster: That's it! I promised myself I wouldn't do this, but I... I will destroy you all. I won't stop until your whole planet is as ugly as you perceived me to be! Zapp: That will take a very long time. Kif: Oh, God! Stop. Stop. Bender: Ah! Fry: Blunder? You're the only one who's sober. You gotta do somethin'. Bender: Haven't I done enough already? Fry: Please... Stop the monster. Just do that one thing. Bender: Make it zero and you got a deal. Fry: What if I folded the Professor's sweaters for you? Bender: Both of them?! You mean you'll do two things and I only have to do one thing? Fry: Yeah. To save the world. Fry: Sucker. Bender: Legion of Benders, come onto me. We have one thing to do! Bender Duplicates: Screw that. Bender: Oh, come on, you lazy jerks. If we all pitch in, we each only have to do one quintillionth of a thing. Bender Duplicates: Alright. Bender: Whoa. Big Bender starts right now. Unattractive Giant Monster: Get a shave, ugly! Bender: How about some aftershave, dumpy? Unattractive Giant Monster: You big bully! Bender: You ugly nerd! Enjoy a nice guggenheim swirley. Let this beatin' be a lesson about never attacking those more handsome than oneself. Unattractive Giant Monster: All I wanted was to apologise to you people! But now I have to kill you. Bender: How? By makin' me look at you? Unattractive Giant Monster: No. By makin' you look at... My momma! Bender: Your momma's so ugly! Unattractive Giant Monster: I told you not to talk about my momma! Male Voice: Walk toward the light, Bender. Bender: Aw, man. Do I have to walk? Fry: No! Unattractive Giant Monster: No! At last, I'm beautiful. Bender: Yeah, if you're in the grave dust. Fry: Bender, you did it! Bender: No, we did it. Ladies and gentlemen, if together we were able to defeat this giant space monster, think how also we might defeat the monsters of poverty and disease and unliteracy. In this spirit, I ask my fellow Benders to join me in working diligently to- Bender Duplicate A: Go to hell! Bender Duplicate B: Come on. Let's go some place where we don't have to do one quintillionth of a thing all the time. Bender: Well, that was dumb. Fry: Looks like it's full of dig dogs. Amy: Man, we're way drunk. What happened, Professor? Farnsworth: Something absolutely incredible! The sweaters got folded. Zoidberg: But how? Fry: I didn't do it. Bender, did you learn a lesson about not bein' lazy while the rest of us were bombed out of our gourds? Bender: Maybe I did, Fry. Maybe I did. Or maybe I rescued one last mini-Bender to fold stupid, ugly sweaters while I laughed at him. I guess we'll never know.

Man: Mom on deck! Ten- Mom: Alright, grunts. Here's your pre-mission pep talk. Shoot anyone who doesn't obey hard enough. Man: But- Mom: Stop gaining knowledge, Hubert! It's a simple mission. The grunts catch the Alien, the surgeon guts it, and you smuggle the poison parts back here. Farnsworth: Eh, something about poison. Got it. Eh, by the way, that surgeon... Where is he? Mom: You! Where's the butcher?! Man: Ma'am, I dunno, ma'am. 'Is duffel bag arrived. Zoidberg: It's not a duffel bag. It's my apartment. Mom: Hubert, meet John Zoidberg. You need an Alien hacked to pieces, he's the best there is. In the budget category. Farnsworth: Have you ever dissected a Yeti before? Zoidberg: Pfff. Himalayan or Neptunian? Farnsworth: Tritonian. Zoidberg: A Tritonian Yeti?! You two aren't up to anything unethical, are you?! Mom: Relax. There's nothing unethical about covert biological weapons research. I said, "Relax." Farnsworth: Ah, Zoidberg. We've known each other so long that... Sometimes, I don't think we even need words to understand each other. Zoidberg: What? Leela: Once and for all, Fry, even though it's the future, most objects are still just objects. Not Aliens who look like objects. Fry: So my efforts to establish diplomatic relations with the cactus people were doomed from the start. Zoidberg: So you're in pain and 'ave a bunch o' needles. I prescribe acupuncture. Let's begin. Blood?! I mean, "Blood." Fry: Put it back in me! Zoidberg: I'm afraid Fry lost a lotta juice. He's developed Simpsons jaundice. Fry: ¡Ay, caramba! Zoidberg: His only hope is some replacement liver. Yours looks like a good match. Leela: Well, if it'll help Fry- Fry: Careful, Leela! He knows less about Human anatomy than I do. And I can't even find my own uterus! Zoidberg: You may feel a slight sawing! Zoidberg: And all we need is a little spine supplement to replace what Leela lost in that unavoidable saw mix-up. Leela: It wasn't unavoidable! You just had to stop cutting my spine when I yelled, "Stop! You're cutting my spine!" Fry: Quit complaining! My body rejected your liver and now I've got Garfield syndrome. I hate Mondays. Zoidberg: Anyhow, Hermes, all Leela needs is one of your vertebrae. Hermes: But, Doctor, will I be able to limbo afterwards? Zoidberg: Could you limbo before? Wait. I say, "Yes." And you say, "I couldn't limbo before." You ruined the joke, Hermes! Zoidberg: There you go, Leela. Good as new! Leela: Whoa! Whoa! Fry: Oh, sure. Leela: Whoa! Fry: Leela's fine. But my jaundice has progressed a Muppet gangrene. It's not easy being gangrenous. Hermes: I thought you were only gonna take out one vertebra! Zoidberg: Yeah, but did you ever play Jenga? Sometimes, you pull one and- Fry: Oh, yeah? Well, I've got news for ya. I'm not stayin' like this. You're the Doctor! Zoidberg: Hmmm. What started out as a pleasant afternoon of drugs and surgery has not gone as planned. But don't worry. We still 'ave three or four coworkers with plenty of spare parts. Zoidberg: My first mission. I'm so excited. And, after I dissect the Yeti's poison glands, we can stop maybe for ice cream on the way back? With sprinkles on? Farnsworth: Why, you're just a big kid, aren't you, Zoidberg? Zoidberg: A very big kid. Man: We're over the drop zone, gentlemen. Might I suggest you jump out the door and poop yourselves. Zoidberg: So, anyway, I hope the men 'ave been taking their hypermalaria pills. Farnsworth: Their wha?! Zoidberg: "Their wha?!" That's funny. Like a crazy, old man. But you know what's not funny? Deadly Tritonian hypermalaria. Just be sure to stay outta the methane swamps. What smells like methane? Doctor: My God. I've never seen such a gruesome shark attack. Especially this far inland. Leela: It wasn't a shark. It was an awful, incompetent doctor. Doctor: Wow. He must've been a total Zoidberg. Hermes: It was Zoidberg! He brutalised us with power tools, gypsy curses, and hypnosis! Amy: Yes, master. Doctor: You'll all get through this. I give you my word as a real doctor. Bender: What about me? Doctor: What did 'e do to you? Bender: I dunno exactly, but... I'm incontinent. Doctor: I'm truly sorry. Fry: I consider myself a reasonable man. Quick with a joke. Slow to anger. But Bender can't go on long car trips anymore an' I say Zoidberg must die! Hermes: People, please! Let's not overreact- Death to the crab! Farnsworth: How bad is it, Doctor? Zoidberg: Super bad. It's Tritonian hypermalaria. A lot of these men will be dead within twenty-four hours. Man: What?! Zoidberg: Not you, though! You'll make a complete recovery and go on to marry a super model! Funny plague, hypermalaria. It can kill immediately. Or lie dormant for decades. But, sooner or later, it erupts, causing fever, spasms, madness, coma, and finally... Death. Man: What?! Zoidberg: Super model! Farnsworth: Oh! Those poor, doomed bastards. I guess it's up to me to complete the mission. Farnsworth: I'll be in the swamp, blowing the smirk off a toxic Yeti. Hermes: Professor, we need to talk! Man-to-mob. You need to listen to us! Yes, you do! Leela: We've had it with Zoidberg! We demand you fire him! Farnsworth: Nonsense! Zoidberg's a fine physician. For Aliens. Your mistake is being Humans! No. If I'm going to fire anyone, it'll be Scruffy. Hermes: Ya can't do that! Bender: What did Scruffy ever do to you?! Amy: Over my dead body! Bender: Don't you get it, old man? Thanks to Dr. Scissor Hands, I wet myself every time I laugh. It's not funny! Well... I guess it is kinda funny. Uh-oh. Hermes: Why are you protecting Zoidberg, Professor? Do you owe him something? Leela: Is he blackmailing you somehow? Amy: What does 'e have on you?! Why have you kept 'im around all these years when 'e's so grossly incompetent?! Farnsworth: Long ago, Zoidberg an' I entered into a secret arrangement relating to certain extraordinary events too horrible to reveal. So there's nothing to be curious about! Farnsworth: Stop or I'll shoot! Zoidberg?! Zoidberg: You can't hunt a Yeti by yourself, sir. It's suicidal. Farnsworth: So what?! I'm going to die of hypermalaria, anyway. I was in the same swamp as the rest of the men. Zoidberg: Just because you were in the swamp, doesn't necessarily mean- Farnsworth: I was thirsty from the flight! I drank swamp water! Look, Zoidberg. You're a loyal friend. Zoidberg: Friend?! Farnsworth: But I'm doomed. I might as well capture a Yeti and die trying. Zoidberg: Then you'll need someone to dissect it! Friend. Farnsworth: Go, Johnny! Go! That's an order! Zoidberg: Never! Zoidberg doesn't abandon a friend apparently. Farnsworth: Ooh! Ooh-ho-ho! Zoidberg: I'll save us! By scaring 'im off with my crazy war noise! Crunch all you want. I'll make more. Zoidberg: Oy. I lost another one. Leela: Zoidberg... I'm sorry to break it to you this way, but we hate you and we never wanna see you again. Zoidberg: But, friends- Hermes: We're not your friends! We're your victims! Zoidberg: I was just trying to- Amy: Shut up and give me my kidney back! Zoidberg: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Fry: We dunno why the Professor keeps you around here and we don't care! You're a terrible doctor! Nobody wants to see you ever again! Farnsworth: Dr. Zoidberg, I want to see you right now! Farnsworth: The time 'as come, my friend. We have to talk about... Our arrangement. Zoidberg: Oh, no! No! No! Oh, no, no, no! Oh, no! Zoidberg: Oh, no! Farnsworth: Unpaw him, you big ape! I saw this in a Tarzan movie. It was called... Tarzan versus the Yetis. I lost my virginity... Ooh! During the film. So I'm... Hah! A little fuzzy on the details. Oh! John... Are you alright? Zoidberg: You! You saved my life! Farnsworth: Oh, fuff. Zoidberg: Yes, fuff. How can I ever repay you?! Do you need a slave? Or maybe a butler? Farnsworth: No, I haven't needed a butler since grad school. But I do need a doctor. I don't wanna die like those marines, John. The fever! The madness! Zoidberg: Don't forget the spasms, coma, and death. Farnsworth: I don't want to go through that! I want you to kill me! Zoidberg: Alright. Give me the knife. Farnsworth: Not now! Hypermalaria can lie dormant for years. Isn't that what you said? Zoidberg: It sounds like something I would say. Farnsworth: So stay with me until the symptoms start. Then... Put me out of my misery. You must swear! Zoidberg: Alright, Hubert. I swear. Farnsworth: It's started, Zoidberg. The fever. The muscle spasms. I'm dying. It's time for you to keep your promise and kill me. Zoidberg: This is very difficult. But I'll try... Friend. Farnsworth: No! Wait! I'm afraid to die! Zoidberg: Argh! You said you wanted me to kill you! Is this one o' those "No means yes" deals?! Farnsworth: Yes and no. I do want you to kill me. But I mustn't see it coming. That would be agony! So you must murder me completely by surprise. Zoidberg: As God is my witness, you can count on me. Well... See you tomorrow. Farnsworth: Not surprising enough! Farnsworth: Eh, wha?! Oh! My... Heart! Fry: Hey! Leela: What are you doing there? Farnsworth: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Zoidberg: Stop! You don't understand! Leela: Let's go, you murderer! Fry, help me lock 'im up! Fry: Hang on. I'm learnin' how to do loop-de-loops. Farnsworth: Whoa! Whoa! Woo! Zoidberg: You're making a mistake! I was only trying to kill the Professor! Bender: Ooh. Zoidberg: Hubert... I'm sorry. Wha?! He doesn't have hair. Great Little Caesar's ghost! Farnsworth: You fools! You stupid, life-prolonging fools! I asked Zoidberg to kill me! Amy: Huh?! Bender: What you talkin' 'bout, Professor?! Hermes: Professor, have you gone mad?! Farnsworth: Probably! It's one o' the symptoms of Tritonian hypermalaria! Amy: You mean the incurable disease that causes fever... Spasms... Insanity... Coma... And finally death?! Farnsworth: Yes! And I begged Zoidberg to put me out of my misery! Bring 'im! Quickly! Scruffy: Hmmm. Should've known better than to store my antiques in the office. Leela: Zoidberg, we were wrong! We're letting you out so you can kill the Professor! Zoidberg: Woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop. Amy: Oh, no! He sand-crabbed out! Leela: Then we have no choice. We'll have to mercy-kill the Professor ourselves. Bender: Well, let's get started. Walt: We have a situation, Mother. This creature tried to sand-crab into the building. Mom: Zoidberg?! Zoidberg: Sorry I didn't call first, Carol. Uh... But I'm in a hurry! I need your help to save Hubert! Mom: Let him go and stooge the hell out of here! Larry: We're on it. Walt: Ow! Igner: Ow! Larry: Ow! Zoidberg: Beautiful kids. You must be very proud! Mom: John Zoidberg... It's been a long time. How've you been? Zoidberg: Not too bad. Last year, I took a bus trip to the Grand Canyon. Later, I'll show you the pictures. Mom: Do you ever regret it, John? Leaving me to work for the Professor? Zoidberg: What do you want me to say? 'E saved my life. Mom: Oh, big deal! You could've been rich if you'd stayed. Your own lab... A full staff... Zoidberg: But Hubert is my friend. 'E's very sick. I can cure him. But I need the thing! The thing... From Triton! Mom: It'll cost you, John. How much are you worth now? Zoidberg: I live in a dumpster. All I have in the world is this coupon for one free session at the tanning salon. Mom: Oh, John. That's really all you have? Then I'll take it. Scruffy: Okay. Murdolator's finished. Bender: I said I'd kill 'im myself! Nobody listens to Bender! Leela: We all have to share in the guilt. Which is why we're each going to add one drop of cyanide to the death wheel as it goes by. Scruffy: Commence mercy-killing... In three... Two... Ayup. Hermes: Kill-check one is go! Leela: Yay! Amy: Woohoo! Fry: Kill-check two is go! Humans: Ooh! Woman: Wow! Hattie: It's about time. Female Voice: Vegetables activated. Bender: Kill-check three is go! Also, the salad's ready. Leela: Yay, salad! Amy: Yay! Zoidberg: What the hell are you doing?! Leela: Zoidberg! We know about your secret agreement. I am so, so sorry for how we treated you. Fry: And, to make it up to you, we're killing the Professor for you so he doesn't die horribly from hypermalaria. Zoidberg: 'E doesn't have hypermalaria, you idiots! 'E has Yetiism. When 'e saved my life all those years ago, 'e was scratched by a Yeti! Fry: Hmmm. I consider myself almost completely ignorant of modern medicine. And I've never heard of Yetiism. Zoidberg: It mimics the symptoms of hypermalaria exactly. Except for the part where, instead of dying, you turn into a Yeti! Wow! Hold 'im down while I prepare the antidote. Leela: Another Yeti?! Zoidberg: Yes. The same jerk that once noshed on me like a shrimp toast. Now, who's getting 'is pineal gland extracted? Ah, yes. This contains a concentrated form of the Yeti neurotoxin. Hermes: But that's what gave 'im Yetiism in the first place! Won't it just make 'im a double Yeti?! Zoidberg: Don't lecture me about Alien physiology, Conrad! The pineal neurotoxin neutralises the adrenal neurotoxin. That's why Yetis don't drive themselves mad! Fry: My God. He's like some kinda believable Hulk! Zoidberg: No time for an injection. Uh! I'll be damned. It did make 'im a double Yeti! Amy: It wasn't supposed to do any of those things. Farnsworth: You did it, Johnny. I'm cured! Bender: Wow! Alright, let's set it up and try again. Farnsworth: There's one thing I don't understand, Zoidberg. How did you persuade Mom to give you her precious Yeti head? Did you 'ave to promise anything in return? Zoidberg: Nothing. Nothing at all. Amy: This calls for a celebration! Come on, everyone! Let's go tanning! Bender: Hooray! Farnsworth: Yay! Zoidberg: I was going to tan... Once. Farnsworth: What do you say, Johnny? It's on me. Zoidberg: Thank you, Hubert. Farnsworth And Zoidberg: Woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop.

Hermes: Listen up, people. Hermes: As long as nothing happens for the next fifteen minutes, our insurance will be reinstated, so let's just sit quietly and run out the clock. Amy: A giant sausage! Bender: Oh, God! Hermes: Oh, God, no! Get out of here, you horrific sausage! Leela: Wait! Isn't today the parade? It's just a giant balloon! Fry: Giant balloon? Bender: See, buddy? It's not so scary. Fry: I feel better now. Why is so many different parades smooshed together? Leela: It's the Parade Day parade. Fry: What's Parade Day? Farnsworth: It used to be that every group in New New York wanted their own parade. Why, when I was a boy, we had a parade every day. Those were dark times. Leela: Now we just combine them all into one big Parade Day parade and get it over with. Zoidberg: Hey, look! A fog is rolling in. Hermes: No, that's just the Jamaican pride float. Amy: Looks like it's speeding up. Hermes: Oh, no! It's within munching distance of the Doritos float. Zapp: Thank you! Thank you! Kif, you're slacking off of my waving arm. Leela: Oh, no! It's heading right for those two nerds! Manbot: Whoa! Sweet shirt, dude! Man: Thanks. I have another one that says PALEONTOLOGISTS DO IT IN THE DIRT. I'm a palaeontologist. Fry: I'll save one of you! Woman: Oh, honey! I dig you so much! Thank you for saving my stupidly dressed husband. You're a hero! Mayor Poopenmeyer: A hero indeed. What's your name, son? Fry: I dunno. Fry? Mayor Poopenmeyer: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to associate myself with a true hero. Mr. Fry, allow me to present you with the keys to the city. This one's for the deadbolt, this is for the top lock... I think this one's for the knob. The city's in a bad neighbourhood. Care to say a few words, son? Fry: Uh... Heroes don't do drugs! Except for Drugman, I guess. Mayor Poopenmeyer: I hereby declare that henceforth this Saturday shall be known as Fry-day! Fry: It sure was nice of the Mayor's wife to have sex with me. Huh? Bender: You! Fry: What? Bender: You could've saved the Robot, but instead you saved the Human. Do you think Human life is more precious than Robot life? Fry: No, no... Well, yes, actually. Bender: That's it. I'm killin' myself! Leela: Oh, Lord. Bender: Don't try and talk me out of it! Well? Amy: Bender, you always say you're gonna kill yourself, but you almost never do. Hermes: Yeah. Last time you went to the suicide booth, you ended up dating it for six months. Leela: How is Lynn, by the way? Bender: Livin' in Oregon with her crazy mother! See you at my funeral, suckers! Bender: Kill me, please! And make it splatter! Suicide Booth: With pleasure... Bender! Bender: Lynn? Huh, wow, you look great. Fat, but great. I thought you were in Oregon. Suicide Booth: My mom tried to commit suicide in me. I don't wanna talk about it. Bender: Well, tell your mom I said hello and it's been nice catchin' up with you. Let's get this show on the road! Suicide Booth: Oh, no! You're going to die, alright. But it won't be suicide. It'll be murder! Bender: Missed me! Fry: He did it. He actually did it this time. Hermes: No way, mon. He's fakin' it. He really is gone. Everyone, put on your takin'-off caps. Fry: Our what? Farnsworth: It's a sign of respect, you savage! Amy: Poor, nasty, mean, old Bender. I can't believe we'll never hear his evil laugh again. Fry: I miss 'im so much. Hermes: There, there, Fry. He may be gone, but he'll always be with us as a trash can. Bender'S Ghost: Look at that loser gettin' garbage dumped in 'im. Glad I'm not him, whoever he is. Leela: Fry, as his only friend, you should have first pick of body parts. Bender'S Ghost: Just don't pick his nose! What's wrong with you guys? This is comedy gold! Fry: He always had my back, so I'll take his arm, uh... As a backscratcher. I love you, Bender. Somebody hand me a bolt cutter. Bender'S Ghost: Hey, dipshlits! That's not me. I'm right here. Hello! Pay attention to me! Bender'S Ghost: Why can't anybody hear my witty remarks? This is Hell! Robot Devil: Feh! You wish! Bender'S Ghost: Robot Devil? You can hear me? Why is everyone else ignoring me? Robot Devil: Isn't it obvious, Bender? Bender'S Ghost: Yeah, I guess it is. Robot Devil: You're dead! Bender'S Ghost: What?! I thought I just had laryngitis and anti-gravity. Robot Devil: Come down to my office and I'll explain everything. Bender'S Ghost: So what's happenin' to me? And I'll take my answer in any form but a song! Robot Devil: Oh, you're no fun. You see, Bender, it's simple. You're a ghost! Bender'S Ghost: A g-g-g-g-ghost?! Robot Devil: No, just the regular kind. Because you killed yourself, you're in Limbo. Your software was exported to the computational cloud. Bender'S Ghost: Adoy! Wait, Adoy? Robot Devil: Your disembodied programme is now running on the wireless network shared by all machinery. Bender'S Ghost: Cut to the chase, Smokey! How do I get outta Limbo? Robot Devil: That's the laughy part! You can't! You're stuck in an infinite loop. Bender'S Ghost: An infinite loop? I don't have time for that. Man, this is all Fry's fault! Robot Devil: Fry? I hate that guy. We once traded hands. They still stink of candy corn! Bender'S Ghost: Get this That jerk said Human life was more valuable than Robot life! Robot Devil: What?! After all you've done for him, Fry must die. Bender'S Ghost: I know, right? I'd murder him good if only I was still alive. Robot Devil: Bender, would you like to make a deal? Bender'S Ghost: I'm not stupid... So yes, absolutely. What have I agreed to? Robot Devil: I'll return you to your body... After you use your ghostly powers to scare Fry to death! Bender'S Ghost: That sounds fair and also fun. I like that there's no catch this time. Robot Devil: But wait. There's a catch. Bender'S Ghost: Crap! Robot Devil: If you fail, you'll spend eternity here in Robot Hell. Which, as luck would have it, is where I rehearse my band. Hit it, boys! Cigars are evil. You won't miss 'em- Bender'S Ghost: Okay! I'll do it, I'll do it. Just stop the damn music! Bender'S Ghost: Scare Fry to death? Ha. I could do that in my sleep. What are you, deaf? Bender'S Ghost: Soap. I know Fry's afraid of that. Maybe he'll die if I rub 'im all over with it real slow. Whoa, it's sick! My software can control electronics. Fry: What the- No! Not the armpits! Winter's coming! Hermes: As you can see, since Bender's death, requests to bite one's shiny metal ass are down 98%. Do you mind doing that later?! Scruffy: Bite my shiny metal ass. Fry: Help! I was attacked in my bathroom! By my bathroom! I'm being haunted by a ghost! Amy: Fry... You're just upset because you drove Bender to suicide. Here, take your mind off it with these soothing relaxation balls. Bender'S Ghost: Alright. I got 'im all heebie-jeebied with my bathroom harass. One more good scare and I'll be outta Limbo! Hermes: Did someone say Limbo? Bender'S Ghost: Hold on to your dookie. It's about to get spooky. Fry: I'm tellin' ya. Somethin' supernatural is happening. I'm scared to death! Leela: Stop being ridiculous. There's no such thing as whatever you're saying. Fry: Ow! Ow! Ow! Leela: Whoa. Maybe you're right. I only meant to slap you twice. Fry: All I know is I've got a ghost that needs busting. Hermes: Who you gonna call? Fry: Gho- Female Voice: The number you have dialled has been lame since 1989. Fry: Now do you believe me?! Farnsworth: Oh, fuff. Enough of your superstitious nonsense. I'm sure that whatever is happening can be explained by science. Gypsy: Let the séance begin! Farnsworth: I said science! Gypsy: The veil is lifting. I am gazing into the spirit world... And... Nothing. You said something about a buffet? Bender'S Ghost: I'm right here, you lazy shyster! Gypsy: Wait. I'm sensing something. Bender'S Ghost: I'm rich! Aw. Fry: Is it a ghost?! Gypsy: There's no such thing as ghosts, you donkey monkey! It's a Robot ghost. Fry: A Robot ghost?! What Robot would wanna haunt me? Bender'S Ghost: Me, dumbass! Bender, Bender, Bender, Bender! Aw! Tell 'im, you baggy, old crone! Farnsworth: Finally! Any more ridiculous ideas? Reverend Preacherbot: Hallelujah! I'm here to conduct a exorcism and avail myself of the buffet. Can I get an amen and a goodly helpin' of Scruffy's famous corn biscuits? Scruffy: Right away, Reverend. Reverend Preacherbot: Oh, Lord. I got the too much macaroni sweats. Now where's this alleged apparition? Might be a problem with your circuit breaker. See ya. Fry: Please! I'm under constant attack by machinery. I can't sleep, I can't think. I can't even think! Reverend Preacherbot: Very well. This sacramental firewall scans for and removes ghostware in a twenty-foot radius. Bender'S Ghost: Bring it on, holy man! Reverend Preacherbot: Carry this at all times and the demon cannot harm you. It also keeps cats off the sofa. By killin' 'em! Fry: So quiet! So peaceful! Time to lower my guard even for a minute. A heart attack! Yup, I was right. Bender'S Ghost: Okay, Beelze. Fry's dead. Robot Devil: A ghost! Oh, it's you. Bender'S Ghost: A deal's a deal, so give me my body back. Robot Devil: Fry's dead, you say? Funny. That's not what it says on his Wikipedia page. Bender'S Ghost: Survived the heart attack?! Damn you, Obamacare! Dr. Cahill: I'm afraid your heart has suffered a lot of damage, Mr. Fry. And my cleavage isn't helping. Farnsworth: Not helping him. Dr. Cahill: One more sudden shock will kill you. Bender'S Ghost: Sudden? That's just the kind of one more shock I was plannin'. Fry: The machines. They're after me! Dr. Cahill: You're suffering from machine phobia. Your only hope is to go to the Amish homeworld, where no machines are allowed. Fry: I guess it's for the best. The only machine I'll ever miss is... Bender. Bender'S Ghost: Say what? Fry: Now that he's gone, I realise how valuable a Robot life can be... When it belongs to my best friend. Bender'S Ghost: That's the closest thing to Bender is great that anyone besides me has ever said. Female Voice: Final boarding call for Flight 38 to the Amish homeworld. As a reminder, passengers are limited to two carry-on butter churns. Bender'S Ghost: I'm sorry, Fry. I'm sorry! Wait for your ghost buddy! Amish Man: Brother Fry, thou hast visitors. Fry: Well, yank my beard. This be a surprise. Leela: How are you, Fry? Fry: Thank you for asking, English. My life is simple, but plain. And, though Bender be gone, somehow, I feel he's still with me. Bender'S Ghost: I sure am, Brother Fry. Yo, big bonnet! Move your ugly but modest head covering. Oh, right. You can't hear me. Robot Devil: Oh, I hear you loud and clear. Bender'S Ghost: You're not Granny Hester! What have you done with Granny Hester?! Robot Devil: She's naked, but unharmed. And now, Bender, it's time to fulfil your end of the deal. Bender'S Ghost: Sorry. I'm not gonna kill Fry. Take me to Hell for all eternity. Just as long as my little bearded meatbag gets to live. Robot Devil: That he will not! For, you see, it is your fate to kill him. Bender'S Ghost: Says you! I would never kill Fry! Not even to save my own life! Robot Devil: But, Bender, isn't a Robot life worth ever so much more than a Human life? Bender'S Ghost: Of course not! What idiot thinks that?! Robot Devil: You! Bender'S Ghost: You're usin' my own words against me! Go to Hell! Robot Devil: Soon enough. But, first, the killing. Have you noticed that animals are sometimes spooked by Robot ghosts? Bender'S Ghost: So what?! I hate animals! Run for your life, Fry! Move your hemp flaps! Robot Devil: He can't hear you, Bender. I'm afraid your friend is about to be Fully Buckminstered! Bender'S Ghost: Oh, yeah? I'll just jump into a machine and get his attention that way. Robot Devil: Ah, but there aren't any machines on this planet! Bender'S Ghost: There's one, you rusty, old dummy. Robot Devil: Hey, no fair! Ocupado! Bender'S Ghost: Got you! Get over here, Devil! Fry: And Scruffy's buffet? How's that going? Bender'S Ghost: Fry! Fry! Look out for that bowlin' barn! Fry: Bender?! Is that thou? Bender'S Ghost: I love you! Amy: Oh, my God! That was close! Hermes: Did you see that? Leela: Are you okay? What just happened? Fry: Well, I think the Robot Devil said he'd loved me in Bender's voice, wearing Granny Hester's clothes. I wanna go home! Robot Devil'S Ghost: You still lose, Bender. You failed to kill Fry, so you are banished to Hell. I get a new body and you get to be a translucid chump 'til the end of time! Bender'S Ghost: Big deal! I saved my friend. As far as I'm concerned, I won. Robot Devil: Uh, really? You may find your victory pyrrhic, when subjected to this lyric, for a trillion years or so. Yeah! Bender'S Ghost: Whoa! Robot Devil: Hey, where are you going?! Bender'S Ghost: I don't know and I don't care! Bender'S Ghost: Yeah, I'm back! Wait. This is my stop! Oh, this guy... White Robot: Bender, for your selfless act in saving Fry, I am pleased to welcome you to Robot Heaven. Bender'S Ghost: Shut up, God! White Robot: Beg pardon? Bender'S Ghost: I wanna go back to Robot Earth. I mean regular Earth. White Robot: Hey, what are you- Ow! Hey, stop that! I command you, you jerk! Just get out. Fry: Woo! I've been through the adventure of a lifetime. Ow! Bender: I'm back, baby! Fry: You're back from the dead?! Bender: I'm back from lots of stuff. Fry: Oh, Bender, Bender, I missed you so much! Hey, wait. Did you haunt me?

Hermes: Well, we're bankrupt in six, five... Hermes: Four, three... Hermes: Two, one. And we're out of business. Farnsworth: Good news! We're back in business. We've been hired to deliver an envelope. Leela: It's crunch time. Let's do this. It's for you, Professor. Farnsworth: Great delivery, everyone. You're the finest crew I've had the honour to work with. Oh, my. We're being foreclosed upon. You're all terrible and incompetent! Amy: I resent that! Hermes: Wait. I found a loophole in the mortgage. If we actually pay it, we can keep the building. We just need... Eleven million dollars. Bender: And... Boned! Farnsworth: Aw. I suppose there's nothing left to do but move out. Leela, Amy, pack us a lunch for our new lives under the bridge while us men reminisce and smoke some stogies. Leela: We are not packing lunches, you walking beer commercials. It was you men who drove this company into the ground. Remember Fry's idea to offer free delivery? Fry: It got us a lot of customers! Leela: We're a delivery company! Amy: If you wanna save this company, you should listen to a woman's idea for once. Hermes: Okay. What you got? Leela: An airline! Amy: Yeah! Wait, what? Leela: We should become a commercial airline. I mean, we've got a ship, and teleporters won't be invented for another fifteen years, according to that guy from the future. Amy: Wow! That's actually a really good idea for a woman! Farnsworth: Puff! What else you ladies got? Bender: Girls-of-Planet-Express calendar! Fry: Girly calendar? Great idea, Amy! Hermes: Okay, then. Leela, Amy, come to work topless tomorrow. Leela: Forget it! I promised myself I wouldn't pose naked until I was married. Hermes: Sorry. It's in your contract. "All female employees must pose nude if requested." Leela: That's discriminatory! Hermes: No, it's in all our contracts. Here's mine. "All female employees must pose nude if requested." Fry: Sounds fun. Bender: Back to work, Hermes! Scruffy: Now that's what I call fine print. Amy: Okay, but good luck making a girly calendar with only two female employees. Labarbara: Oh, husband! I'm so excited about this new job. Hermes: And it's excited about you, LaBarbara. First order of business is to put on your uniform and take your ID photo. Leela: Look, I agree that it makes space walking more comfortable, but, for a photo shoot, it's a little... Unsavoury. Over. Bender: Time is money, peaches. Now shut your com link and make love to the camera. And remember I'm the camera. Stop actually washin' and play with the sponges! Leela: But the ship is dirty. Bender: Uh, whatever. I ran out of film an hour ago. Farnsworth: No, no. This won't do. A three-month calendar? What is this, Mercury? Amy: I told you it wouldn't work. Farnsworth: Well, you should've talked louder. Fortunately, I came up with a brilliant idea to save Planet Express. We'll turn it into a commercial airline! Leela: But that was my idea! Farnsworth: Then you should've talked louder. What? Leela: There. It was hard work, but it beats posing in demeaning, skimpy modelling outfits. Farnsworth: Ladies, here are your demeaning, skimpy stewardess outfits. Bender: Sorry, ma'am. I'll have to confiscate your artificial knee cap. Hattie: Okay, here you go. Fry: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the plane's president speaking. Fry: We are cleared for takeoff. Leela: You put Goofus and Ganja in charge? I'm the only trained pilot here. Farnsworth: Please, Leela. Who ever heard of a plane with a woman president? Bender: Welcome to Plan Am Flight 1 to Acapulsar. The local time on Acapulsar is five years from now. In the event of a wormhole sendin' us back in time, do not kill your parents. If you who are travelling with small children, help them not to kill you before not killin' your own parents. Now please turn off all electronic devices. Fry: Uh, preparing for takeoff. Man: I kill you, my friend! Labarbara: I hope you all enjoyed our timey beverage service. Now sit back and endure our in-flight entertainment. Zoidberg: Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! So what's the deal with airline food, hmm? They offer you two choices, but they're always outta one. Uh, by the way, we're outta both choices. Petunia: Shut up and put on four episodes of Da Office. Amana: Ooh, your hands are warm... For a Robot. Bender: Thanks, baby. I don't know what you're doing back here in the galley, 'cause you got a first-class C. Leela: Captain, we were supposed to land two days ago. Is everything- Hey! Fry: Are we at the fair yet, Mommy? Leela: We're not at the any place! And we're out of fuel! Amy: Attention, passengers. Please remain seated until the plane comes to a complete crash. Farnsworth: Perhaps we should reconsider the girly calendar. Leela: Flight-attendance log. We've crashed near a river of mercury on a lifeless, mineral world. Supplies are low. Cannibalism, imminent. Radio, busted. Our one hope is to form a society. Hermes: Okay, then. Men, let's get hunting. The women folk can cook what we catch. Labarbara: No one put you in charge, husband. I'm the only one here who ever ran a society. Hermes: Roller derby is not a society! Labarbara: Well, let's put it to a vote, then. All in favour of the jamooca thunderclap? That would be me. Hermes: Practically no one. All in favour of me? Dr. Cahill: Eight to eight. It's a tie. Farnsworth: We can't trust a woman's math! Count again! Big Rock Alien: Greetings, soft ones. Who among you is your leader? Men: He is! Women: She is! Big Rock Alien: Curious. You're a diarchic society? Hermes: Um, maybe. But, whatever we are, I'm the leader of it. Labarbara: Leader? Fat man, you couldn't even run a bath. Labarbara: Well, you sure can run something Your mouth! Big Rock Alien: Silence! Even a young pebble could see your race is divided based on the configuration of your twenty-third chromosome. Amy: You mean, "along gender lines"? Big Rock Alien: Gender? Sal: Yes. You knows, guyses, galses... In that order. Ows! Big Rock Alien: I am not familiar with this concept of gender. My species has only a single gender, known as nuchacho. Zoidberg: Interesting. Come on, men! Let's kill him! Big Rock Alien: Your genders differ in many ways, but, as with all things that are different, chocolate and vanilla, Mac and PC, one is always clearly better. Bender: Chocolate, Mac, men. The end. Big Rock Alien: Well, I've got nothing to do for the next eight million years. Therefore, I will administer a series of tests to determine the superior gender. Test number one Who can drink the most sulfur? Test inconclusive. Test number two Who can drink the most arsenic? Farnsworth: Just ask us some damn questions. Big Rock Alien: Very well. Which is larger? An Italian size four or an American apparel medium? How many calories are in a small green-tea yogurt. Name any twelve of the Desperate Housewives. How was your day? Test complete. What is the score? Bender: Uh... Men, five. Women, less. Amana: Hey! He's lying. Big Rock Alien: Obviously. That was a test to see who could lie better. The men win that round. Farnsworth: In your face, decumbent urinators. Big Rock Alien: So far, I have learned nothing, but that's probably as much my fault as yours. The time has come for the final test. Fry: Uh, we usually call it the lightning round. Big Rock Alien: As you may have noticed, it's getting hotter here. Leela: It's nice. Fry: It's too hot. Zoidberg: Would one of you chicks change the thermostat? Big Rock Alien: Tomorrow morning, this planet makes its closest pass to the sun. You will all be boiled alive like retired circus animals. Unless you somehow can cross the Great Alkali Plains and reach shelter in the Cave of Harmony. Fry: That sounds hard. Big Rock Alien: Which ever gender reaches the cave will survive and may the inferior gender burst into something. Flames, I guess. Hermes: Uh-oh. I think we're walking in circles. I recognise the pattern of striations on that gypsum formation. Fry: Also, my shoe that fell off. Bender: Oh, God. We're all gonna die in agony. Small Rock Alien: Howdy there. You fellows need some directions? Bender: No, we're fine. Farnsworth: Beat it. Fry: Don't worry about it. Labarbara: Keep it up, sistren. Only a few more miles to the cave. Let's just buckle down and- Amy: Look! A clearance sale! Labarbara: What?! Where? Labarbara: I can't believe that sale was just a mirage. Now we're going to die without so much as a factory second-clutch purse to show for it. Amy: It would've been nice to shop at Tommy Hilfiger one last time. Hattie: It wasn't Tommy Hilfi-gigger. It was Linens 'n Things! Petunia: The hell it was! It was a Juicy Couture! Leela: I guess we all saw what we wanted to see. Hermes: We can't make it tonight. We'll set up camp here by this shoe. Farnsworth: Oh, gentlemen. When that sun rises in the morning, we're toast. These are our last moments together. So, if anyone's got any good fart jokes, now would be the time. Amy: It's a schmundered degrees and all we have to drink are non-diet sodas. Petunia: It's gonna ruin ma figger. Leela: Wait. I forgot that Amana here is a refrigerator. If we could supercharge her freon with a gas compressor, we might survive the heat and make it to the cave. Amana: Hey, yeah! But the only gas compressor on this planet is inside Bender's ass. Dr. Cahill: Was that a fart joke? Because I don't find those amusing. Labarbara: No one does! Nevertheless, Bender's gas blaster may be our only hope. Hermes: Oh! Wife? What are you doin' with Bender's shiny metal, gas compressor? Labarbara: None of your Biz Markie. Wait a second. What's that do wah in your ditty bag? Hermes: Okay... So we were hot. I stole Amana's freon coil so we could hook it up to Bender's ass and build a cooler. Labarbara: You are no better than me, ya shifty tree skink! How do you live with yourself? Hermes: Damn it, woman! You are makin' me highly Selassie. Labarbara: Don't you talk to me that way, you big, hairy Belafonte! Hermes: Oh... You cookin' me back bacon. Thank you, woman. Labarbara: That's not back bacon! That's your back bakin'! Hermes: Oh, no! We overslept. Amy: The mercury's boiling! Petunia: Can't breathe... Lungs burnin'... Fry: My lucky shoe! Bender: Goodbye, cruel me! I learned that from a movie. Big Rock Alien: I find both genders supremely disappointing. The real reason I administered this bizarre, outer-space test was to teach you to work together! But you couldn't. Thanks to you, I lost my bet with the Borax Kid. Fry: Never bet against me being stupid. Big Rock Alien: Enough! Your gender differences have kept you from achieving harmony. There is only one way to resolve this conflict. Fry: Wait. Why didn't that hurt? My wing-wang's gone! Leela: My girls! Bender: My antenna! Hattie: My kajigger! Zoidberg: My gonopores! Look it up. Big Rock Alien: I have freed you from the tyranny of gender. Now go in peace. Or actually stay here. I'll go in peace. Farnsworth: Good news, nuchachos! The ship is nearly repaired. Sal: Work goes fasters withouts no secondary sex characteristicses at which to hoot. Now who wants to sing some Christopher Cross songs? Labarbara: I do! Fry: Look, associates. I made a hammock from our clothing. Leela: How industrious! Amy: Do you mind if we sleep with you? Fry: I have no opinion. Well, good night. Hermes: Everyone got along so well today. Labarbara: Yes. This place is like a neutered utopia. A neutopia! Hermes: I enjoy humour when no one gets hurt. Labarbara: Your companionship is inoffensive, Hermes. Hermes: Likewise. Really, what are we missing out on by not having sex right now? Labarbara: Well... Hermes: Give us back our genitals! Big Rock Alien: Is that you, Borax Kid? I've got your fifty bucks. Oh, it's you. Why do you want your genders? You seem happier without them. Labarbara: Bein' Human isn't just about bein' happy! It's about lovin' and fightin' and that rasta MacNasty we were doin' last night. We want that back. Big Rock Alien: Very well. Perhaps it is I who have learned a lesson. Or something. Bender: Now what? Big Rock Alien: I have decided, after little thought, to return your genders. Amy: Not cool, bro! Our genders are all reversed! Hattie: Now I got a what-ya-call-it instead of a kajigger, you stupid what-ya-call-it! Big Rock Alien: Okay. Stop yelling at me! It was an innocent mistake. Allow me to rectify it. Zapp: I got your distress call and came as quickly as I wanted to. No need to thank me. Leela: What's your problem, Holmes? Now we'll be stuck like this forever! Zapp: Chill out, dude. Well, hello from the neck down. Bender: Thank you for your patronage. We know you have a choice in airlines and you made the wrong one. No refunds! Hermes: Aren't we going to cuddle? Labarbara: Woman, I'm tired! I'm sorry. It's just... I need my sleep. I got to get up five times a night to play Xbox. Hermes: I understand. Womanhood also takes some getting used to. For example, did you know there are more than two feelin's? Labarbara: I only need one feelin' Love for you, wifey man. Hermes: Your manwich! Labarbara: No wonder it's such a mess in there. These bad boys are hard to aim. Leela: I hate being a man. I smell bad, my face is scratchy, and the food at those strip clubs is terrible. Amy: Crappin' A! Still, I'm sure the women are having an even harder time. Bender: OMG! Being chicks is so much fun. Fry: Now, when I say stupid things, guys all laugh and buy me stuff. Leela: What a skank. Anyway, Planet Express is still facing foreclosure. There's no way we can raise enough money to save this company. Amy: Wait. What about the girly calendar? Fry: Well, that won't work, remember? We only have three women on staff- Labarbara: "All female employees must pose nude if requested." Leela: And it is requested. Farnsworth: Let's just hope we can sell enough of these calendars by tomorrow. Farnsworth: We sold enough of those calendars since yesterday! Leela: Thank God most of our fans are huge perverts! Fry: Who're you, stranger? Borax Kid: Well, madam, folks called me the Borax Kid. My friend, the other rock Alien, died without settin' your genitals to right, so I reckon it's up to me to sex you up proper. Leela: My girls are back! Fry: Ow! Yay! Hermes: So what did you like better, my love? Bein' a man or a woman? Labarbara: I don't care what parts I have. As long as they interlock with yours. Farnsworth: Ah, marriage. It combines the contentedness of being neutered with the occasional sex of being not. Borax Kid: Well, I'd best mosey on down to the landing. Sounds like the feldspar queen is about to set sail. You folks watch your genitals now. Come on, boy! Giddy up! Leela: And that's that. Scruffy: What I miss?

Albert: I got one! Warden Vogel: Okay, kids. Put away the dust motes 'til tomorrow. It's story time! Today's storyteller is a space captain who grew up right here at the Orphanarium. Welcome back the bedwetter of building D, Turanga Leela! Leela: Hi, kids! What book would you like me to read first? Albert: We don't got books no more. Leela: What? Warden Vogel: He means any more. Look, sometimes you gotta choose between eatin' and reading. So they ate the books. Just... Make somethin' up! Leela: Make something up? Um... Okay. Once upon a time, there was a... A... Sally: Princess? Leela: Yes! That! A... One-eyed princess in a long, flowing... Tank top. And she lived in a magical, one-room... Sally: Castle? Leela: Yeah. If you believe the listing agent. Anyhow, one day, the princess went off to... Uh... Tell a story! And, then, that's exactly what she did do that. And they all lived happily ever after. The end. Albert: Miss Leela? I have a question! Leela: Yes, Albert? Albert: That story was bad. Leela: That's not really a question. Albert: That wasn't really a story. Leela: I'm sorry, kids. I'm not a natural storyteller. But I promise I'll make up a better story and come back again. Sally: Please don't... Leela: See you soon! Leela: I'm sure I've got a great kids' story in me. I just need to think of three of some kind of animal. Concentrate, Leela! Concentrate! Fry, I'm writing here! Do you have to play that? Fry: Yes. It's the only song I know. Zoidberg: Look, friends! I accidentally learned to tap-dance! Leela: Zoidberg, I'm trying to- Hermes: Time for my four-twenty-one daiquiri! Bender: Guys! Guys! Guess who just got commissioned as a tugboat! Amy: Oh, yeah! Pachinko break! Pachinko Machine: Tokyo crazy balls! Yes! Farnsworth: Ooh, good, Leela. You're here. I'd like to describe my foot pain. My left has a sharp jabbing throb near the bunion, while the other's got a searing pain like gout. Maybe it's too much albumin because of gravity... Leela: Even if I had a pen, I couldn't write under these conditions. I'm going to some other planet, where I can concentrate. Farnsworth: Searing, searing pain that feels as if it were in a vice. Bender: Well, that was rude. Leela: Warden Vogel, I have a new story for the children. I'm sure they'll like it more than my last one. Warden Vogel: They liked hunger cramps more than your last one. Anyhow, you'll have to wait. The kids are busy right now. Leela: Oh. Is the organ-harvesting clown here? Warden Vogel: Nah. Rusty comes on Tuesdays now. Today, it's the owner of the Tickelodeon Kids Network. Abner Doubledeal: Okay, kids. Get ready to be subjected to our new Fall shows! Mr. Funny Bunny here will gauge your reaction by bombarding your brains with harmless snuggle rays. Albert: He gives me a nice, warm feeling in my eyeballs! Male Voice #1: Popular Slut Club. Little Girl #1: Oh, my God! There's Jake Thinkleburg! He's so hot! I wish he wasn't my brother. Male Voice #1: Popular Slut Club. Male Voice #2: Look! Up on the drive-through menu! It's Captain Mega Meat and his young ward Bottomless Boy! Bottomless Boy: Hurry, Captain! A skinny kid needs our help! Captain Mega Meat: Supersize me! Male Voice #3: From the "Rowdy" Roddy Piper daycare centre in Glasgow, Scotland, it's Extreme Toddler Wrestling! Abner Doubledeal: Thanks for the brain scans, kids. Don't have any children for the next couple of days. Warden Vogel: Alright, boys and girls. Enough fun! Your old friend Leela is back with a brand-new story! Leela: Hi! It's great to be back. I think you'll enjoy this one. Sally: Please! Can't we just get our organs harvested? Leela: It's about some cute, little creatures from a land called Rumbledy-Hump. Kids, let's meet the Humplings! And laugh and learn and smile and think and other happy things. Albert: Say more things like that! Leela: Okey-doke. One sunny, funny day, there was an unfamiliar visitor in Rumbledy-Hump. Leela: Today we learned that folks are not as different as they seem. Sally: Wow! I can't believe you imaginated all that stuff! Nina: Will you come back again and tell us more stories and also adopt us all? Leela: Of course I'll tell you more stories. I'll go think some up right now. Abner Doubledeal: Holy moly! Lady, you don't know me, but my name is Abner Doubledeal. Leela: Wait! I know you! You're Abner Doubledeal! Abner Doubledeal: I brain-scanned those little nose-pickers during your story. And, sister, their enjoyment glands were squirtin' like Broadway roadkill! Leela: Aw. They were?! Abner Doubledeal: Say, you seem like a smart mark. How'd you like to make it into a TV show? Sign here, 'round this... Uh... Supercuts coupon. Leela: I dunno. Don't I need a degree to write gibberish for toddlers? Nina: Come on, Miss Leela! Don't be a fraidy cat like Feffernoose! Leela: Okay. I'll do it! To show you kids you can succeed at anything. If you just luck out hard enough. Abner Doubledeal: Welcome to the glamourous, big-money world of basic cable TV! I'm gonna need that pen back. Hermes: Working on a real TV show is so exciting! I'm on a mostly natural high! Amy: These costumes are gonna make it hard to go to the bathroom. Fry: I'm not havin' any problem. Abner Doubledeal: We're shooting in five minutes and this Leela broad hasn't even delivered a script yet! Sweet Zombie Jesus! Like it's not hard enough to make a freakin' TV show for under fifty bucks! Damn it, I'll call you back, grandma. Nice of you to show up, toots. I mean that sincerely. It's just that I'm in show biz. Leela: Sorry. I went to my quiet place to write. Here's the script. Abner Doubledeal: Argh! You writers make me sick. Nice job on the script, though. Places, everyone. Okay. Cheap lights. Off-brand camera. And non-union action! Fry: I like ice cream. And I like lollipops. And I like you, Princess Num Num. Amy: Ew! I'm all licky-sticky! Fry: I don't understand. When I like something, I lick it. Like this raccoon. Leela: Doingg! Don't lick things that don't wanna be licked. Fry: But how do I know what to lick and what not to lick? Leela: It's very simple. If it's alive, don't lick it. Zoidberg: Like a horse, a turtle, or a cricket. Bender: I like turtles. Leela: So, if you're not sure if it's alive or dead, Poke it with a stick and lick the stick instead. Fry: Now I get it! Zoidberg: Ow! Leela: Well, that's all for today. But, before we go, let's do everything we just did two more times. Bender: Leela, that was great! Even I have to admire the performance of me, Bender! Amy: The show looks so cute. Kids'll love it! And it looks so cruddy, their ironic hipster parents will love it. Leela: Thanks, guys. But let's be realistic. We all know any TV show that's even slightly good gets cancelled. Sometimes, two or three times. Abner Doubledeal: Leela! Tomorrow's ratings just came in from the future. We're a hit! Leela: What?! My show is a hit?! Abner Doubledeal: What are you, deaf? It's gonna be bigger than SpongeBot SquareBolts! Spongebot Squarebolts: I interfere with pacemakers! Abner Doubledeal: Baby, I hope you like drowning in caviar. 'Cause that is how you're gonna die! Calculon: Welcome back to the Young People's Choice Awards. In a moment, the award for Outstanding Sext Message. But, first, the nominees for Best New Kids' Show are... Yo Gimme Gimme!, The Adventures of Pit-Bull and Scaredy Squirrel, Dora the Destroyer, and Rumbledy-Hump. Fry: I hope you win, Leela. Leela: Thanks, Fry. It's nice to have the support of viewers like you. Fry: I'm the star of the show. Leela: Shh! Calculon: And the Slurmie for Best New Kids' Show goes to... Turanga Leela for Rumbledy-Hump! Female Voice: This is Turanga Leela's first nomination and second time in high heels. Leela: Wow. I feel so lucky just to have been nominated alongside so many inferior shows. And, to all my young friends at the Orphanarium, thank you for inspiring me to be your hero. Calculon: Slurm her! Bender: So wait. You play a high-school student who's also secretly a rock star who's also secretly a massage chair? Fembot: No. I play a high-school student who's also secretly a rock star, but, in real life, I'm a massage chair. Bender: Hmmm. You ever made out with a tugboat? Leela: Guys, I didn't have time to mention it up there, but I want each of you to know what an honour it is to work with me. Hermes: Sweet ego of Montego! Someone build a wind farm in front of her mouth. Abner Doubledeal: Leela, I mean this. You're the greatest creative mind since blah, blah, blah-bity, blah. But it's two AM and you still haven't written tomorrow's episode. Leela: Well, you can't expect me to write it here, with everyone talking so loudly about how great I am. Abner Doubledeal: Sorry. Leela: I'm taking the ship to my quiet place so I can be alone. You non-creatives can catch a bus home. Fry: Non-creative? Ha! I'll have you know I bedazzle my own underpants. Bender: That was a helluva massage. Maybe the best there ever was. Say, where are we? Rumbledy-Hump?! It's real! Doingg: I love eating vegetables. Don't you? They're like crunchy, green water. Garbly: I don't like 'em. They're icky-yucky! Lady Buggle: Now, now, Garbly. If we don't eat our vegetables, we won't grow big and strong... Like Feffernoose. Feffernoose: I have to be big and strong to fight off the monsters. Did somebody say monsters?! Leela: This will make a great episode. But talk slower. I can't type that fast. Bender: Well, well, well. You didn't make up that TV show! You just wrote down what these space twerps said! Leela: Oh, hell. Princess Num Num: Leela said a Rumbledy-Hump no-no! Humplings: Sometimes, when we're mad, We say words that are bad. Humplings: And poo-poo and pee-pee and penis and gay. Those are the ninety-eight words we don't say. Bender: My God. You stole all your ideas from those poor, innocent creatures and hogged all the credit?! I underestimated you. Leela: Wait! I can explain. Bender: Nah, don't ruin it. I'm lovin' the hypocrisy. It's like catchin' an evangelist in a whorehouse. That was the best Christmas ever. Leela: You know I hate lying. But those orphans were so proud of me, I couldn't bear to let them down. Bender: Pfff! At least Reverend Pickens had the dignity to jump out the whorehouse window with his pants around his ankles. Princess Num Num: Who's your friend, Leela? He sure has a shiny metal bumbledy-boop. Bender: Aw, they're so cute and harmless. No wonder you feel safe rippin' off their act. Leela: Bender! I feel bad enough already. Bender: I'm just messin' with ya. I love that you're gettin' rich off of them. 'Cause, now, I can get rich off of you! Leela: Oh, Lord. Bender: From now on, you give me half the gross or I'll blow your cover. Leela: Fine. You'll get your cut. I don't really care about the money, anyway. I just wanna show those poor, disadvantaged orphans that they can succeed in life. Bender: Ugh. You are the worst kind of rich person. Leela: Be it parsnips or peppers or kale or zucchini. Fry: I like to relax with a spinach martini. Bender: A-gurgle bufwoozle didoodi houdini. All: 'Cause we love our vegetables. Abner Doubledeal: And... Cut! That's a wrap, everybody. Ten-minute break, then we shoot season three. Fry: Leela, you may have become a Lady Gaga-esque fame hag, but you sure cheered up those orphans. Nice job. Warden Vogel: Thanks so much for inviting us to the taping. The kids haven't been this excited since food day! Leela: Aw, thanks. They're my inspiration. Bender: But not your only inspiration. Am I right, Leels? Albert: Is somebody standing on me? Bender: I do love inconveniencing the underclass. Warden Vogel: Well, we'll be on our way. After we dig through your trash for aluminum. Okay, kids. Delta pattern. Go! Go! Go! Sally: Miss Leela? Leela: Yes, Sally? Sally: I wanna show you the story I made up. That's Gum Drop, Sticky, Candy Corn, Sour Ball, and Jujube. They're brothers and sisters and they live in Butterscotch Hollow. Leela: Sally, that's wonderful. You came up with that yourself? Out of thin air? How? Sally: You were an orphan and now you're the best writer ever, so I knew I could write too. Thank you for being my hero. Leela: I can't do this any more. Farnsworth: I don't blame you. Having to wear a costume made from a hollowed-out walrus... Leela: Everyone, I have a confession. I, Turanga Leela, winner of a Young People's Choice Award, a Peabody Jr, and two Training Emmys, am not what I appear to be. There's something I need to show you. Bender: Uh-oh. Leela: Continuing my confession, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. Sally: Harder than creating the bestest show in the world? Leela: I didn't create anything. I stole it. Bender: Stealin' is a form of creativity! Leela: No, it isn't. Guys! Come on out! Abner Doubledeal: Holy moly again. Lady Buggle: Oh, hello, Leela. I was just telling my friends how they shouldn't eat food off the floor. Should we sing a song about it? Fry: Yes, please! Leela: No need, Lady Buggle. Abner Doubledeal: Say, what's goin' on here? Leela: This planet is the real Rumbledy-Hump. And these creatures are the real Humplings. All I did was write down their adorably repetitious hijinks. Sally: You lied? Like Doingg did when he stole Garbly's pet pinecone? Doingg: You told them about that? Leela: I should've told the truth right away. These simply prairie folk have a simple prairie-ish life here. And I was wrong to exploit it for profit. Lady Buggle: I'm as sad as an upside-down smile. Leela: You mean a frown? Lady Buggle: We didn't have a word for it... Until now. Amy: To think I put on an unflattering cupcake costume for you! Fry: To think I borrowed money from you! Albert: I was gonna ask you to marry me. Sally: I guess, if you can't make up stories, I can't neither. Leela: I deserve this. And more. Keep it coming! Abner Doubledeal: Wait a second. As a big Hollywood TV producer, I think I know how to remedy this ethical lapse. Lady Buggle: So if you don't want a tapeworm or intestinal bug... Humplings: Don't eat pastrami that fell on the rug. Abner Doubledeal: And... Cut! Ta-da! We got us a reality show! No writers. No actors. No problem. Leela: Doubledeal, this is disgraceful! You can't just rip off their real lives and put it on TV! Abner Doubledeal: Wha? Who said anything about rippin' them off? Leela: I did! Abner Doubledeal: I'm payin' 'em. Gather 'round, gang. Here're your pay checks. Garbly: I can finally afford my speech therapy! Feffernoose: And the health plan covers my generic Prozac! Lady Buggle: Electricity, plumbing... Our lives are a jillion times better. And it's all thanks to you, Leela. Leela: Don't thank me! I should be punished! I've corrupted you and taught the orphans a terrible lesson. Warden Vogel: What orphans?! The kids were all adopted! Leela: They were?! By who?! Abner Doubledeal: Come on, kids. Let's get this place cleaned up for the next episode. Albert, pick up that pastrami and put it back on the craft services table. Albert: You're the boss, Daddy. Leela: Oh, God! What have I done?! Nina: You've given us a new father and a full-time job! Which is more than most kids have! Leela: But- Sally: We love it here, Miss Leela. This is the funnest planet in the whole world! Leela: Don't hug me! I've done a horrible thing! For God's sakes, somebody teach me a lesson! Orphans And Humplings: We love Leela! Leela: No!

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. We've got a very special delivery today. Fry: Who's it going to? Farnsworth: Me. Bender: Another job well done. Farnsworth: No, I need it shipped to my office at Mars University. It's a little experiment that may well win me the Nobel Prize. Leela: In what field? Farnsworth: I don't care, they all pay the same. Fry: Is it dangerous? Farnsworth: Oh, my, no. Off we go! Fry: Very impressive. Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars. Farnsworth: Well, in those days Mars was just a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland, uh, much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable, when the university was founded in 2636. Leela: They planted traditional college foliage; ivy, trees, hemp. Soon the whole planet was terraformed. Fry: Does that mean it's safe to breathe the air? Farnsworth: Of course. Farnsworth: Over here is Wong Library. It has the largest collection of literature in the Western Universe. Bender: Hey, look! There's a chapter of my old robot fraternity, Epsilon Rho Rho. Leela: You went to college? Bender: Of course. I'm a bender, I went to Bending College. I majored in Bending. Fry: What was your minor? Bender: Robo-American Studies. Fratbot #1: Are you here to fumigate the moose head? Bender: Uh, no, actually I'm an Epsilon from way back. Fratbot #1: Eh, close enough. C'mon in. Bender: Thanks. Here's your finger back. Bender: All the coolest robots are in this fraternity. Fratbot #2: Mate in 143 moves. Fratbot #3: Oh, pooh. You win again! Bender: Uh-oh, nerds! Fratbot #1: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Gearshift, chapter president. This is Oily, and this here is Fat-bot. Bender: You're all losers. My name's Bender. Oily: Bender from Bending State Bender? Wow, you're a legend around here! Fat-Bot: I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across campus and crammed 58 humans into a phone booth. Bender: Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children. Anyway I should get going. Gearshift: No, Bender, wait. We're the lamest frat on campus. Even Hillel has better parties than us. Please, you've gotta stay and teach us how to be cool. Bender: Hmm, OK. But I'll need 10 kegs of beer, a continuous tape of Louie Louie and a regulation two-storey panty-raid ladder. Fat-Bot: Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Fry: I tell you, being here really takes me back to my college days. Man #1: Step right up. Who wants to learn physics? Man #2: Keep your hands inside the car at all times. Fry: Good old Coney Island College! Go, Whitefish! Leela: Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated type. Fry: Oh, yeah? Read it and weep. I'm a certified college dropout. Leela: Please! Everyone knows 20th century colleges were basically expensive daycare centres. Farnsworth: That's true. By current academic standards, you're merely a high school dropout. Fry: What? That's not fair. I deserve the same respect any other college dropout gets. By God, I'm gonna enroll here at Mars University and drop out all over again! Leela: You won't last two weeks. Fry: Aww, thanks for believing in me. Amy: Yo, classmate. What you takin'? Fry: Oh, I don't know. Hey, Professor, what are you teaching this semester? Farnsworth: Same thing I teach every semester The Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields. I made up the title so that no student would dare take it. Fry: Mathematics of wanton burrito meals. I'll be there! Farnsworth: Please, Fry, I don't know how to teach; I'm a professor! Fry: See you in class! Farnsworth: Oh! Fat-Bot: This is gonna be great! Bender: Bingo! Fat-Bot: Oh, mama! Bender: Oh, yeah! Someone's been a bad computer! Get a load of that! Meiderneyer: I say, you've damaged our servants' quarters ... and our servants. Chet: This time Robot House has gone too far. Bender: Cheese it! Fat-Bot: They're gonna catch us! Fry: Hey, pretty nice for a single. Two desks, two chairs, a couple of beds. A woodpecker. Leela: I think that's probably your roommate. Fry: Oh, right, cool. C'mon in, roomie! What the-? Monkey: I call top bunk! Fry: My roommate's a monkey? Monkey: Brilliant deduction, you're a credit to your species. Farnsworth: Ah, Fry, I see you've met Guenter! Fry: You know each other? Farnsworth: Guenter is my experiment. He was the top secret contents of this stinking crate. Guenter: I'd rather live in a crate than share a room with this dork. Leela: So what makes Guenter talk? Fry: Is he genetically engineered? Farnsworth: Oh, please! That's preposterous science-fiction mumbo-jumbo. Guenter's intelligence actually lies in his electronium hat which harnesses the power of sunspots to produce cognitive radiation. Guenter: You're wasting your breath, Professor. He'll never understand a word of it. Fry: I understood the word "hat"! Farnsworth: Please, stop bickering. I arranged that you be roommates for a reason So I'd only have to remember one phone number. Now shake hands and make up. Fry: You want a banana? Guenter: I don't eat bananas. I prefer banana-flavoured energy bars made from tofu. Fry: I don't like you. Fry: This is gonna be a cakewalk! Teacher: Welcome to the history of the 20th century. Look to your left, then to your right. Then in nine other directions. One of the 12 of you will not pass this class. Amy: Boring. Let's hear about Walter Mondale already! Teacher: Be forewarned The only sure way to get an A in this class is to have lived in the 20th century. Fry: Swish! Teacher: You were saying, Mr. Fry? Fry: I'm from the 20th century. Go ahead, ask me anything. Teacher: Very well. What device invented in the 20th century allowed people to view broadcast programmes in their own homes? Fry: Ooh ... I know this ... whatyya call it? Lite Brite! Guenter: I believe the answer is the television. Teacher: Very good, Mr. ... ... Guenter. Amy: Wow! Smart and cute! Vernon: What I love about being dean of students is the peace and quiet and the respect I receive. Now what's all this about? Woman: Dean Vernon, the students from Robot House are here. Vernon: Robot House! Bender: Hey, dean, nice looking model. Vernon: You keep away from it. You robots are a disgrace to this university. Whenever a fire alarm is pulled, it's Robot House. Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House. Whenever a human corpse is desecrated- Bender: Now, I can explain that. Vernon: That's enough out of you. From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatupple-secret probation! Bender: No fair! Fat-Bot: My mom is gonna kill me! Vernon: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to the one thing that's kept me sane these past eight years My model ship. Gearshift: Fat-bot! No! Fat-Bot: When I get nervous I get hungry. Bender: Cheese it! Vernon: Robot House! Fry: So, Chrissy, we seem to be hitting it off. If you're not doing anything later might I escort you to a kegger? Chrissy: Not even if you were the last man on Mars. Guenter: Hey! You like bananas? Guenter: I got her number. How do you like them bananas? Farnsworth: And therefore, by process of elimination, the electron must taste like grapeade. Fry: Sorry, I overslept. Farnsworth: Until 5pm? Fry: It's that obnoxious monkey. He kept me up all night with his constant thinking. Just thinking and thinking. He's trying to make me look like an idiot. Farnsworth: Don't be jealous. Without his special hat, Guenter might be no more intelligent than you. Fry: I hate that rodent! Farnsworth: Fry, that monkey is my most important experiment. If you two don't stop fighting I'll have you both neutered. Fry: That'll show him. Amy: Dean Vernon, I'd like you to meet my parents, Leo and Inez. Vernon: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Wong, I'm so glad we could admit Amy in exchange for your generous contribution. Mr. Wong: How much more for Phi Beta Kappa? Vernon: How much you got? Guenter: Sorry I'm late, I was off at a study session ... with Chrissy! Farnsworth: Oh, I'm glad you made it, Guenter because in honour of parents weekend I have a special surprise for you. Guenter: Mom? Dad? What are you doing here? This is so humiliating. Fry: Now these monkeys I like! What's that? You wanna come out? Guenter: No! Stop! Chet: I say. Farnsworth: What's that they're flinging at us? Guenter: Oh, dear Lord! All over the dean! Fry: Hey, uh, Guenter? Why don't you get up on the chandelier with your parents and I'll take a picture? Bender: Well, looks like the party's winding down. Let's take a road trip to Tijuana and get Fat-bot some action. Fat-Bot: It's my first time, I'm really nervous. Vernon: Robot House! Leela: What you did to Guenter was cruel. At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, I think we learned who the real animal was today. Fry: You mean peer pressure? Fry: Look out! He's got a gun! Guenter: Leave me alone. Leela: Hey, what's going on? I thought you didn't like bananas. Guenter: Of course I do. I try so hard to fit in but seeing my parents act like that made me realise I'm just a primitive beast. Fry: Hey, hey, cheer up. Not everyone turns out like their parents. I mean, look at me. My folks were honest, hard-working people. Leela: Besides, Guenter, you're not like other monkeys. You've got the hat. Guenter: So what? I mean, sure, it looks cool and it makes me smart but it doesn't make me happy. Leela: That's so sad. I didn't even know monkeys could cry. Guenter: They can't. It's all the hat. Fry: Look, Guenter, if you're so miserable here, maybe you should just go back to the jungle. Guenter: The jungle. But I couldn't do that to the Professor. I'm his prize experiment, and he's like a father to me. Leela: But he's not your father. That guy in the punch bowl was your father. Farnsworth: Look at him. I'm so proud. Fry: Thanks, Professor! Farnsworth: Not you. Fry: Ow! Student: Hey! Farnsworth: Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why? Why? Why didn't I break his legs? Farnsworth: Oh, poor Guenter. Leela: So he just ran away in the middle of the exam? Farnsworth: I'm afraid so. All he handed in was a paper smeared with faeces. He tied with Fry. Fry: I guess he realised I was right when I told him to go back to the jungle. Farnsworth: You what? After I spent months slaving over a hot monkey brain? Fry: Hey, don't blame me. You tried to force Guenter to be a human but he's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment! Farnsworth: But Guenter's obviously better off being intelligent. Tell him, Leela. Leela: Nuh-uh, I'm staying out of this. Now here's my opinion What we should do is... Farnsworth: What? Leela: I said we'll go to the jungle and let Guenter decide once and for all. Farnsworth: What? Vernon: You all know the rules. Whichever house wins the regatta becomes head of the Greek Council. And should that house currently be on any type of multiple secret probation, it will be lifted and I will be forced to serve as Grand Marshal of a parade honouring them. Chet: I say, Robot House, your water craft is as ill-designed as you yourselves. Meiderneyer: Good one, Chet! Bender: Oh, yeah? Watch this! Chet: Well, I never! Vernon: Fraternities, on your marks. Bender: Hey! Fry: Wow! The jungles on Mars look just like the jungles on Earth. Farnsworth: Jungles? On Earth? Leela: I see some movement up there. I think it's him. Farnsworth: Stand back. Leela: Oops. Farnsworth: Don't worry. They'll be fine once the tranquiliser wears off. Fry: There's our man! Leela: Professor, you'll offer Guenter the hat and, Fry, you'll offer him the banana. We'll let him choose whether he wants to be intelligent or just a mindless animal. Farnsworth: Come on, Guenter, take the hat. Fry: No, the banana, the banana! Farnsworth: Consider the philosophical and metaphysical ramifications of the- Fry: Banana, banana, banana! Leela: Wait, what's that sound? Gearshift: Hey, Bender, you sure this is a short-cut? Bender: Not as sure as I was an hour ago! Vernon: And the winner is ... ... Robot House? Farnsworth: Oh, dear Lord! Leela: No! No! Farnsworth: Thank God this log is sturdy. Put on the hat, Guenter! You're the only one who can save us! Stupid monkey. Fry: No. Leela: Not there. Farnsworth: Keep trying. Guenter: Eureka! The hat goes on the head. It's all so obvious now! Leela: Help us, Guenter! Guenter: Oh, my goodness. Hang on. I need to do some calculations. Got it! Grab on! Farnsworth: We're saved! Fry: 'Preciate it, Guenter! Leela: Oh, no! Hurry, Guenter, climb up the vine. You can still save yourself. Guenter: Why bother? I've got nothing to live for. I was miserable as a genius, and as a monkey, I was so dumb I tried to wear a hat on my butt. There's just no place for me in this world. Although, on the other hand- Farnsworth: Oh, that poor, sweet monkey. Well, let's go gather him up. There's no sense letting him go to waste. Fry: Guenter! You're alive! Guenter: I guess the hat must have broke my fall. Farnsworth: It seems to be working at only half-capacity, but I can fix it. Guenter: No, wait! I like it like this. I actually feel sort of happy. Farnsworth: But what about your super-intelligence? Guenter: When I had that there was too much pressure to use it. All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. That's why I've decided to transfer to business school! Farnsworth: Nooo! Bender: Come on, everyone! Big party in Robot House!

Fry: Run, Leela! They're bouncing right at us! Bender: So... Anybody hungry? Fry: I could stuff myself. Leela: I'll use that free app that tells you what restaurants you're near. Fry: You mean the window? Leela: Yes. Lrrr: I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8! I demand extra dipping sauce! Teenaged Alien: How many? Lrrr: Uh... Two. Fishy Joe: Welcome to Fishy Joe's. Today is Stroganoff Thursday. We are currently out of the following menu items. Female Voice: Stroganoff. Teenaged Alien: May I take your order? Fry: I'll have the Stroganoff. Teenaged Alien: Okay. Bender: Yeah, uh, gimme the fried spaghetti dinner breakfast pocket for lunch an', uh, a big bucket o' mixed sodas. Teenaged Alien: One kids meal. Got it. Leela: Huh. Buggalo tots? Leela: What exactly are those made of? Teenaged Alien: You got a warrant? Leela: I'll just have something from the lite menu. How about the gardener lover's salad? Teenaged Alien: What kinda cheese fillin' you want in that? Leela: Ugh! Just gimme the fruit cup! Teenaged Alien: Okey-doke. What kinda cheese fillin' you want in that? Leela: Oh, God! Fruit is spelled F-R-O-O-T. And it's got quotation marks around it. Fry: Mmm. There's nothin' wrong with a little fast food once or twice a meal. Heart... Attack! I'm fine. Leela: Oh! I got a bone in my fruit! That's it. From now on, we're not eating anything unless we know what it is an' where it's from. We're going to the local farmers market. Bender: Aw, mom! Do we hafta?! Leela: This is what I'm talkin' about! See all the dirt an' earwigs? That's the sign of healthy food. Hydroponic Farmer: You think that's healthy? Try this. I found it growin' at the bottom of my hamper. Leela: Mmm! So fresh an' musty! Bulb: It's what I do. Thog: Hello, tiny man. You want sample small-batch Amazonian maple syrup? Fry: Sure. That's the kinda sap I like. Thog: You the kind of sap I like. Fry: I'm scaroused! Bender: Zuban tobacco?! The richest, most obnoxious kind! Listen, pal. I'm lookin' for a versatile smoke. One that's equally good in a crowded elevator or an audience with the Pope. Moustached Alien: Forget the Pope, my friend. Smoke one of these and God himself will ask to be seated far away from you. Bender: Ooh! Leela: Heirloom eggs?! That's so life-affirming! I'll bet you run your own hatchery. Just you and your wife... Matilda. Brown-Haired Man: No, ma'am. Matilda an' I gather them eggs in the forest. And Matilda's really more of a mongoose than a wife. Leela: You're a lucky man. But are they way more expensive than regular eggs? Brown-Haired Man: Way more. Leela: Ooh! I'll take a dozen. Farnsworth: Wha?! You're not my breakfast friends! What are you doing here?! Amy: Leela blackmailed us all into eating healthy, organic food. Farnsworth: Blackmail? What does she have on you? Hermes: As long as we eat 'er filthy scrambled eggs, you'll never find out. Leela: They're not filthy! They're wholesome, fertile, and fresh from the forest floor. There's some filth. Fry: FERTILE? What does that mean? Zoidberg: It means it'll hatch into a tiny, little infant creature. Unless we cook it first. Hey, Leela! Hurry up with those scrambled infants! Fry: What?! That's horrifying! Zoidberg, you're an in-Human monster. Zoidberg: What are you? My driver's license? Fry: Eating a sweet, innocent chick before it's even hatched?! Oh-ho-ho-ho, no, you won'tn't! I refuse to eat an unborn animal! I'm gonna keep this egg safe and warm and secure. Until it hatches out into the world. And then I'm gonna eat it! Leela: Should we turn on the TV? Hermes: Nah. Fry: Bender, d'you mind? I'm roosting. Bender: I'm considerin' buyin' a yacht to house my Thoroughbreds. How d'you expect me to do that without smokin' a cigar? Fry: Think of the unborn embryo! Bender: That's what I'm gonna call the yacht. Stop pickin' me! Whoa! Fry: Hey! Leggo my egg-o, crab-o! Hermes: Stop it, Fry! That's sexual harassment! Zoidberg: Yeah, come down off your round, white pulpit! You're just gonna eat that thing, anyway! Fry: I was, but you can't sit on something for a week without falling in love with it. Whoever's in here deserves a chance at life. A chance to blossom into a beautiful young man. Like I did as a baby. And so I make this solemn vow... To do everything I can to make sure this wonderful, innocent creature enters this world happy, healthy, an'- All yours, Zoidberg. Bender: Aw! Look at the cute, little- I was gonna go yachting in those feet! Leela: Relax, you babies. It's no different from stomping a puppy. Fry: Everyone stop! He's not gonna hurt you. Bender: I'm standin' in a pool of my own feet! Hermes: Bender's right! Kill it before someone names it! Fry: No! Mr. Peppy just wants to be our friend. Hermes: Oy! Fry: Look I know 'e's ugly and kinda corrosive, but we can't murder someone just 'cause he's hideous an' annoying. Amy: That's what we said about Zoidberg and look what that got us. Zoidberg: Amy has a point. Fry: Mr. Peppy's not like Zoidberg. He's my friend. Zoidberg: Aw! Calculon: Where to... Adulterers? Monique: Calculon?! Then it wasn't your body they found in the harbor after the bomb went off. Calculon: What bomb? Bender: It takes more than that to surprise me, Bender. What you doin', little buddy? Uh, yeah... Uncle Bender... He's your friend. Huh? Oh, you wanna play fetch! Come on, boy! Get the ball. Dumb jerk. Come on! Get the ball. Hermes: Sweet freak of Mozambique! That thing's colossal! It's gonna kill us all! Amy: It's so huge! How big does one o' those things get?! Fry: Well, that depends on what one o' those things is. That seems like a fact worth knowing. Farnsworth: Good, startling news, everyone! Farnsworth: I found a description of the creature in this medieval monster manual. Just as I feared. Attack type J. Amy: No! No! Farnsworth: Yes! It kills its prey by sucking out the skeleton, leaving nothing but a puddle of flesh. Amy: Ew! Leela: Ugh! Bender: Ew! Farnsworth: Hence the Latin name bonus vampirus. Or, as you non-Catholics would say, the bone vampire! Zoidberg: Dios mío. Fry: That's ridiculous. Mr. Peppy doesn't eat bones. I raised 'im on a simple diet o' Brussels sprouts an' mixed soda. Hermes: At least there's only one of 'em. The good news is they can't start breedin'. Farnsworth: The bad news, everyone, is the beast reproduces asexually. A single bone vampire, left alone with some quiet music and some bone-vampire porn, could produce dozens of deadly offspring. Zoidberg: That lucky bastard. I say kill it! Fry: But it loves me! And I love it. Zoidberg: Kill 'em both! Leela: Killing them seems like a hassle. Can't we just set it free to live with its own kind? Farnsworth: Poor, ignorant Leela. The bone vampire is now extinct on its home planet. Leela: That's perfect! We can reintroduce it to the wild and repopulate the species! Fry: Yeah! Let's do those Leela things. Fry: Well, buddy, how d'ya like your new home? See? He's happy already. Hermes: That thing doesn't have emotions, Fry. Its brain is the size of a walnut. Fry: So are walnuts and they're delicious. I'll miss you, Mr. Peppy. But you'll be happier here. So... Go on. Go. Goodbye, Mr. Peppy. Come on, man. Don't do this. Go on now. I mean it. Don't make this any harder than it has to be. It's time to let go! Ow! Thanks, Leela. He just needed a little extra push. Leela: Come on, Fry. Let's go home an'- Bender: Hold up! There's alcohol around here somewhere. My Tanqueray-dar is goin' crazy. Aha-ha! Thought you could get away from me, huh? You lose again, you stupid intoxicant! Zoidberg: We're not from around here. Hello! Man #1: Hermes: Excuse me, but we're guests on your planet. Speak English! Man #2: Behave yourselves, gents. Off-worlders best be welcome here. Especially if we're trying to get the Olympics. May I buy you a drink? We don't get a lot of pretty faces around here. Leela: Uh... Sure. But I'm driving. I'll just have the smallest whisky you've got. Man #2: A small aquarium o' whisky for the busty lass! Leela: Thanks. I suppose I should know your name if I'm gonna be drinking ten gallons of alcohol with you. Man #2: McZongo. Angus McZongo. Major Angus McZongo. Handsome Major Angus McZongo. Esquire. Leela: Ooh! Handsome and esquire. I'm Turanga Leela. My crew an' I are from Earth. Angus Mczongo: So what brings you folks here to Doohan 6? Amy: We just released an endangered animal back into the wild. A bone vampire! Hermes: No need to thank us. Your shocked stares of gratitude say it all. Angus Mczongo: Dear God. You brought back the bone vampire?! The damn things wreaked bloody havoc on our livestock for centuries! Woman: Aye! Until McZongo 'ere shot 'em all into extinction, 'e did. Man #3: Now we've got more livestock than we can slaughter. Oh, aye. 'Tis a Bonnie time to be an ignorant villager. Man #4: We kinna have no murderin' bone vampires back 'ere! Man #3: Kill it afore it puts a bun in its own oven and repopulates the bleedin' planet! Fry: No! Angus Mczongo: Angus is right. Hermes: I thought you were named Angus. Man #1: We're all named Angus! Fry: Please! Mr. Peppy won't attack your livestock. He's a vegetarian and 'e's not even preachy about it! Angus Mczongo: Poppycock. Once he gets the smell o' bones, there'll be no stoppin' 'im. Tonight, Mr. Peppy must die. Leela: Angus, wait. My strictly platonic friend is right. At least wait a few days before you decide to kill it. Angus Mczongo: The last time I hesitated, a bone vampire snicked out me left shin. Leela: Please! Just a few days. Angus Mczongo: Well, 'twould give us a chance to get to know each other. The beast lives! For now. Leela: Thank you, Angus. Men: You're welcome! Fry: I don't trust that McZongo. Maybe I should go keep an eye on Mr. Peppy. Leela: Don't worry about McZongo. He an' I are having brunch tomorrow. I'm thinking of wearing this. Fry: It's nice! But there's still somethin' I don't like about that guy. My dad always said you could tell a lot about a man by the rigidity of 'is shins. Zoidberg: What is?! Man #1: UNKNOWN, Gryffindor, Slytherin an' Hufflepuff! It killed Little Angus! Farnsworth: They're all dead! And their bones are gone! This was no accident. Angus Mczongo: Still think your Mr. Peppy is harmless, Fry? Fry: He wouldn't do this in our sleep. He would not, could not to a sheep. Angus Mczongo: The deal is off! The beast must die! Bender: Ooh! Pimpy! Fry: What are we supposed to do? Just sit here and wait for Mr. Peppy to be killed? Bender: Sounds like a plan! Guess I'll pass the time by lightin' up an El Jerko! Leela: Okay! That's it! I need some air. Leela: Who's there? Hermes, is this one o' your zany practical jokes? Fry: Leela, are you okay? Did you drink too many aquaria? Hermes: Look! The bone vampire! Leela: Mr. Peppy attacked me. Quick! Count my bones. There should be two-hundred-and-five! Leela: Okay. That's better. Keep 'em comin'! Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but no vegetarian could've done this. Fry: I know. An', as much as I love Mr. Peppy, I love Leela more. He has to be... Put down. Amy: Aw, don't feel bad. Major McZongo's an experienced hunter. He'll blow Mr. Peppy's head off as painlessly as possible. Fry: No! Not McZongo! If anyone's gonna kill Mr. Peppy, it should be me. Zoidberg: Fry, I know you're upset right now, but I hope you'll consider donating the body to science dinner. Fry: Here, Mr. Peppy. Mmm. Lovely bones. Hermes: We've been walkin' for hours. I hope we can find our way back. Amy: Don't worry. I left a trail of bread crumbs. Bender: An' I left a trail of cigars! Leela: You don't have to do this, Fry. Mr. Peppy just gave me a little love concussion. Fry: Thanks, Leela, but I have no choice. I can't let my monstruous deboner get anywhere near you. Hermes: There it is! Fry: Well, this is it. You guys wait here. This is gonna kill him more than it does me. Goodbye, boy. I'll think of you whenever I sit on something round. Amy: What's happening?! Did you kill it?! Mr. Peppy: The bloody idiot bloody-shot me! I'm all bloody-bloody! Bender: Wha?! Fry: Mr. Peppy?! Bullets make you talk?! Bender: That's not Mr. Peppy! Amy: Jinkies! He Scooby-Doo-ed us! Leela: Why, Major McZongo? Why? Angus Mczongo: Oh, it's been thirty years since last I killed a bone vampire. The villagers dinna idolise me like they used to. Amy: You seem pretty popular at the pub. Angus Mczongo: I work there as a greeter! Your beast was my chance to be a hero again. But the damn thing was a vegetarian! So I slaughtered the sheep meself. Leela: But why did you attack me? Angus Mczongo: So I could impress you by seeking revenge on the creature. Us greeters don't get a lot of action. On paper, it seemed like a win-win situation. Farnsworth: Do you realise what this means, Fry?! Your pet's not dangerous after all! Fry: I told ya! Mr. Peppy's a lover, not a fighter. Like Dwayne "The Rock" "The Tooth Fairy" Johnson. Zoidberg: UNKNOWN! Hey. What's that bone-sucking sound? Fry: It's Mr. Peppy! I'd know 'im anywhere. Leela: Huh. So, apparently, Major McZongo and Mr. Peppy were each doing about half the sheep killing. Fry: Why, Mr. Peppy? Why? Ooh. That tickles. Now I really do have to kill you. Man #3: Wait! Don't shoot. The beast is a godsend. Like I said, we've more livestock than we can slaughter. But, thanks to this ravenous bogle, that's nae more a problem. Man #5: Angus is right. The cursed thing even debones 'em. Which is perfect for today's fast-paced, lazy consumer. Man #1: Dersu Uzala, Yojimbo, Rashomon! The beast must live! Leela: You know what the best part is? From now on, whenever we're eating fresh, organic space meat, we'll know exactly where it comes from. Fry: One bucket o' double-friend, triple-salted, boneless sheep tots, please. Teenaged Alien: What kinda cheese fillin' you want in that? Fry: All kinds. Leela: Eh... Make it two. Leela: An' a small whisky. Large.

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Remember when you asked to see my family tree? Leela, Bender, Zoidberg, Hermes, Amy, And Fry: No. Farnsworth: Ta-da! This is my ancestor Philo Farnsworth, inventor of television and, as a bonus, childhood obesity. And here's Dean Farnsworth, developer of the Farnsworth test for colour blindness. Where is he, blast it?! And, just recently, I learned of a modern-day Farnsworth, who invented the anti-senility truss. Leela: That's you, Professor. Farnsworth: Wha?! Ah, yes. The Farnsworths boast a proud and distinguished lineage. No wormy fruit on this tree. Amy: What about Fry? Isn't he your distant uncle? Farnsworth: Very distant. Not a true Farnsworth, mind you. He's way over here on this filthy branch riddled with fungus and dung beetles. Fry: What's with the seventeen dung beetles? Hermes: Well, it's six o'clock. I guess we'll have to deliver that Human heart tomorrow. Good work, people! Bender: Woohoo! Time to go clubbin'. Baby seals, here I come. Fry: Guess I better head over to my night job. Leela: You have a night job? Fry: Yup. It's exhausting, but I need the extra money to buy coffee so I can stay awake for my night job. Leela: But- Fry: Gotta go! Fry: Woo! Dr. Cahill: You've got a surprising amount of algae in your beard, Mr. President. Just sit still and let the algae eater do its work. Abraham Lincoln'S Head: Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Lay off my trademark mole. Dr. Cahill: Hi, Lars. Fry: Fry. Dr. Cahill: Whatever. I'm heading out to my night job. Remember No loud noise, no head bowling, and no parties. Or it'll be your ass in a jar! Fry: I wanna go to that museum! Bill Clinton'S Head: Man, this place is a snooze. Hey, Fry, I challenge President Taft 'ere to a pie-eatin' contest. William Taft'S Head: You're on, skinny! Fry: Sorry, guys. You know the rules. "No fun allowed." Andrew Jackson'S Head: Come on, you pansy! I'm thirsty. I want me some Tennessee loopy juice! Warren Harding'S Head: And I want loose women. The kind that aren't afraid to show a little ankle. James Madison'S Head: Or elbow. Fry: No visitors! I'll lose my job. Rutherford B. Hayes' Head: Oh, boo-hoo! I'll lose my minimum-wage job. Fry: You're mean, Rutherford B. Hayes! Franklin D. Roosevelt'S Head: Listen here, young man! We have nothing to fear but running out of beer. Fry: Alright. One small get-together. But let's keep it quiet and dignified. Zoidberg: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Bender: Woohoo! Yeah, alright! Scruffy, Leela, Hermes, And Bender: Four more beers! Four more beers! Amy: Yes! Right in the ike! James Madison'S Head: Nice elbow action. Hermes: So... You grow hemp? Thomas Jefferson'S Head: Yes. Hermes: And... You do what with it? Thomas Jefferson'S Head: All manner of things. Manufacture paper, fabric, rope... Hermes: Oh. Well, nice talking to you. Thomas Jefferson'S Head: Why, I used to smoke about four feet of rope a day. Hermes: Let me give you my pager number. Farnsworth: Hey, Reagan. Remember when you asked to see my family tree? Ronald Reagan'S Head: I asked you to leave me alone. Farnsworth: The Farnsworths are a remarkable- George Washington'S Head: Farnsworth?! That name is a stain on American history! One of the worst traitors of the Revolution was a Farnsworth! Farnsworth: You're lying! Leela: He's George Washington! He tends not to do that! George Washington'S Head: David Farnsworth was a notorious British agent and counterfeiter. He conspired to bring down our nation with his fraudulent currency. Farnsworth: A Farnsworth did this?! Oh, dear! My good name is ruined! Gerald Ford'S Head: Hi! I'm Jerry. I like movies. Bender: Anyone seen Ulysses Grant? He owes me a cheroot. Leela: He's over there, pukin' in the Bushes. George H. W. Bush'S Head And George W. Bush'S Head: No! Fry: Oh, boy. Dr. Cahill: Mr. Fry! Why are all these people standing around? When they should be partying! Amy, Bender, And Hermes: Alright! Zoidberg: Hey, hey, LBJ. You wanna get drunk? Lyndon Johnson'S Head: Oh, hell, yeah. Whoa! Farnsworth: Zoidberg, no! The effects of jar juice aren't fully understood! Zoidberg: Uh... Not bad. A hint of vitalis and- Amy: I recognise this! It's the 1960s! I did a report on it for my drug-taking class. Blond Man: Hi. I'm Andy Warhol and you're some kind of... Marvellous lobster man. Zoidberg: Right on! Say, you got any real soup or just this schlock? Andy Warhol: What a horrid bore. Farnsworth: Ooh. Amy: Wha? Zoidberg: Far out! That head gave me a total head trip! Fry: Really?! I'm gonna lick Herbert Hoover's head! Zoidberg, Leela, Amy, Hermes, And Several Heads: Lick the head! Lick the head! Bender: Whoa! A speakeasy. One prohibited beverage, please. Bartender: Hey, Dutch. The new still is here. Bender: I'm not a still! I just smell like one! Male Voice: Dutch Schultz, come out with your bootleg whisky. We're thirsty! Hermes: What the heck is goin' on?! Jefferson, did you sell me some bad rope?! Farnsworth: It must have something to do with the jar fluid. Aha! Dr. Cahill, do I detect a trace of opal essence? Dr. Cahill: Very observant, Professor. To preserve the heads, we use a rare form of powdered crystalline opal. This is the world's entire supply. Yet it's so powerful, it should last a thousand years. It keeps the heads alive, but... We don't know how. Amy: Why did it give us those hallucinations? Farnsworth: Because it didn't! Amy: Uh... Yuh-huh! Farnsworth: Opal has unusual temporal properties. It preserves each head in a time-stasis bubble. Ergo, licking those heads actually sent us back in time to their original eras. Look! Zoidberg: Fuh! Schlock and more schlock! Dutch Schultz: Pssst! Is the coast clear? Bender: Button your yap, you mug! Farnsworth: I've discovered a new means of time travel! I'll call it the Farnsworth effect! George Washington'S Head: Nice try. But even this discovery won't undo the treachery wrought by your nefarious ancestor David Farnsworth. Farnsworth: It will if we go back in time and stop him! Leela: Professor, no! You can't tongue the father of our country! Fry: Where are we? Also, when are we? Farnsworth: 68th and Broadway, colonial era. Rush hour. Farnsworth: By my calculations, this head trip will last, at most, 24 hours. We need to stop that monster, David Farnsworth! Leela: Look at the date on this newspaper. April 17th, 1775. Farnsworth: Say, on this exact date, the Continental Congress was meeting secretly in New York. Maybe they can help us. Bender: But they could be meetin' anywhere! What are we gonna do? Search building to building? Farnsworth: We'll start with that one. Thomas Jefferson: Alexander Hamilton of New York, how say you? Alexander Hamilton: Nay. Thomas Jefferson: John Hancock and John Adams of Massachusetts? John Adams: Yay. John Hancock: Yay. Thomas Jefferson: The yay's have it. Our nation's official joke state shall be New Jersey. Uh-oh. John Adams: Ah, 'tis just our new Crockpot. Bender: Watch it, Wiggy! I ain't no stinking crock! John Adams: We'll see about that in five hours. John Hancock: Halt! From whence commeth thou, one-eyed maiden! Leela: Uh, ever been to Peru? John Hancock: Certainly not! Leela: I'm from Peru. Farnsworth: Clam up, founding fathers! We need help locating the treacherous forger who forged this forgery! Thomas Jefferson: My word! If these enter circulation, our economy will be destroyed! And with it, our chance at independence! Alexander Hamilton: Only one man in the colonies has a printing press fine enough to make these. Our good friend, Ben Franklin. Leela: Uh-oh. Isn't Franklin in Philadelphia? Thomas Jefferson: When he's not in Charlotte, or Maribel, or Louisa! Fry: I don't get it. Farnsworth: I'm sure no one's ever said this before, but I must get to Philadelphia as quickly as possible! Farnsworth: Oh! Why couldn't my disgraced ancestor have lived in the NASCAR era?! Woman: Dr. Franklin, your new steam engine is here. Bender: I ain't no stinkin' steam engine! Chicken's ready. Benjamin Franklin: You may go, Louisa. Fry: Now I get it! Benjamin Franklin: Fascinating. Be you man or machine? Bender: Mostly machine. Might be a couple dead cats in there. Farnsworth: Dr. Franklin, with all due respect to the brilliant inventor of the... stove, I must speak with you. I'm looking for the scoundrel who made this! Benjamin Franklin: Intricate filigree, satanic symbols, looks like one of mine. But no! This is a fake! Fry: Duh! It says "Colony of Maffachufetts"! Bender: More like "Taxachufetts"! Benjamin Franklin: That's just how we print S's, you "ƒtupid ƒhitheads"! Someone must've used my press while I was poking around in Charlotte. Let's ask my apprentice, David Farnsworth. Farnsworth: Farnsworth?!! That's him! Arm yourselves! Benjamin Franklin: I call it "the Franklinator". Benjamin Franklin: The apprentice's suite is empty! He's gone! Farnsworth: Wait! What's that glistening in the chamber pot? Bender: Let's find out. Leela: Bender, do you know what a chamber pot is? Bender: I don't know and I don't care! Farnsworth: A Massachusetts hapenny? Bender: Probably fake, too. There's one way to find out. What? Fry: Bender bent a poo penny! Bender bent a poo penny! Benjamin Franklin: Look! 'Tis but worthless tin! Farnsworth: Where could Farnsworth have minted such a high quality fake? Benjamin Franklin: Not here. But, you know, I have a friend in Boston who's an expert silversmith. They could be connected. There's only like forty people who do anything around here. Farnsworth: But Boston's 300 miles away and Bender kicked our horse to death! We'll never get there in time! Unless you have another "invention" up your sleeve! Foh! Benjamin Franklin: Hmmm... Bender: How's this going to get us to Boston? Bender: Stupid Franklin- Paul Revere: Ah, that scrap metal I ordered is here. Bender: I'm 40% scrap metal. Paul Revere: Well, Ben Franklin, my fellow Son of Liber- Tea kettles, heh. Yes, I've made some new tea kettles. Perfect for special occasions. Like hanging King George in effigy- and H and I are monograms you can put on those tea kettles. Whatta you looking at, you British bastards?!?!?! Benjamin Franklin: Paul, we talked about this. Farnsworth: Mr. Revere, we're looking for a counterfeiter who minted these smelly hapennies. His name is David Farnsworth. Paul Revere: Farnsworth? I just hired him for the fall candlestick rush. He's in the foundry this very moment! Benjamin Franklin: Everybody take a Franklinator. Fry: Aw, I gotta chipmunk. Leela: Hee-ya! Professor Farnsoworth: David Farnsworth, I presume? David Farnsworth: I'm David Farnsworth. Farnsworth: Fuff! You're a disgrace to the very name Fowvwuh! Fry: Look out! He's got a bezeling planisher! David Farnsworth: 'At's right! 'Oo wonts ta be bezel'd?! Bender: You idiot, I'm not a cannon! Bender: Oh, I guess I am a cannon. Farnsworth: Time to prune the family tree! Huzzah! I've saved the Farnsworth name! Man: An urgent message for Mr. Revere! Paul Revere: Mr. Revere, pray, do not 'ƒhit' your pants. The British attack has begun. Cross the river and watch for my signal. I must ride. Leela: He has so much stuff. He won't miss this. Farnsworth: Let's burn these counterfeits and paddle the next swan boat the hell out of Boston. Fry: Here you go. Farnsworth: Thanks. Say, where did you get that lantern? Fry: From that old church to the north. They had two burning, so I figured they wouldn't miss one. Paul Revere: One if by land. Two if by sea. The British are coming! The British are coming! By land! By land! Gotta treat this OCD. Gotta treat this OCD. Farnsworth: Fry, you dope! You've really screwed the granny this time! History needed that second lantern! Leela: We better stop Paul Revere before- Leela: I guess everything worked out jolly oll right, eh, guv'nor? Bender: Wot's with th' fruity accent, ducky? Bollocks! Ah've got it, too! Fry: Where's all th' Presidents' heads, then? Farnsworth: Ah say, appears we've changed 'istory too much, disahster of nightmarish proportions an' wotnot. Quite. Hermes: Where 'ave you blokes been? You nearly missed elevenses. Amy: Who's for tea and shmavories? Bender: Wot in bloody 'ell's goin' on aroun' 'ere ah says? Farnsworth: Indeed. Wot's become of the dear old USA? Amy: Beg pardon? Farnsworth: The Revolution? 1776 and wot all? Hermes: Oh, the Colonial Desktop(?). Well, there's nuthin' we Brits enjoy more dan a good document'ry. Turn on the televiser, Dr. Zoidsmythe. Zoidsmythe: I'll dial up the Beeb. They've always got a nice doccy-woccy on. Narrator: The Vanquished Pride of the Yankees, or America the Dutiful! North America or Wes' Britannia as we now call it, has been under British rule for fourteen-hundred years... all thanks to a nutter known as "Wrong Way Revere". Animated Revere: The British are coming, by land, by land! Heh heh heh heh! Narrator: But we came by sea, we did. Surprised the Yanks at Lexington ending the Rebellion with narry a kipper scuffed. Amy: Scuffed kippers, anyone? Zoidsmythe: Right kind of you, mum. Narrator: The humiliated conspirators were forced to sign the Declaration of Dependence, proclaiming British rule forever. Meanwhile, a loyal Brit by the name of David Farnsworth tracked down the traitor George Washington and bravely smothered him with his wig. Farnsworth: Oh, criminy! Narrator: In gratitude, King George named Farnsworth a duke and granted his family massive land holdings in the colonies. Farnsworth: Blimey. I've never felt so ashamed to be a Farnsworth. Scruffy: Will m'lord be returning to his massive land holdings for luncheon? Farnsworth: Huh-woh? Leela: I know we're ladies-in-waiting but what are we waiting for? Farnsworth: How should I know? Just shut up and wait! Bender: Say, how is it that we've got socialized medicine bot me teeth still loo' like this? Fry: Con't we just go back in time an' set things roight again? Farnsworth: Don't want to. Rather nice living under the crown and so forth. Zoidsmythe: Rather. Farnsworth: Wot's more, couldn't go back even if we wonted to. No more crystalline opal left in all the world, don't you know. Scruffy: M'lord, the Queen is here for 'er, eh, weekly, irrrrr, visit. Farnsworth: The Queen? Sounds most satisfactory. All of you out! Bender: Right, then. Let's go play some quoits...wotever that is. Squire: Presenting the Queen of England, America, and two parking spaces in Tokyo. Queen: Where's me consort at? Farnsworth: C-C-Consort? Queen: That's right, luv. Fer cent'ries, a Farnsworth gentleman 'as provided service to the Queen. Now close yer eyes an' think of England! Farnsworth: Ah say, what's that in your crown? Queen: You mean Andamooka Opal? Why, it's th' most precious gem in all th'- Bender: Yes! Three rubbers on the hob! Queen: Stop him! He crowned me in th' knickers an' nicked me crown! Smitty: Freeze or we'll be forced to continue chasing you since we don't carry guns! Url: Indubitably. Leela: We've got to go back in toime an' set things straight! 'Urry up an' lick Washin'ton's 'ead again! Bender: We can't! There's no George Washington nor any other Presidents. Fry: Wot about this bloke? 'e's from Revolutionary times. Farnsworth: Farnsworth! David Farsnworth'S Head: Hey! Yer the plaunkers wot candlesticked me! Well, ah showed you! Ah killed George Washin'ton an' now I'm married to one of the Spice Girls! Don't rightly know which one. Farnsworth: Bender, fetch me that powdered opal! Farnsworth: It's time to restore dignity to the Farnsworth name! Fry: There. That time, I left both lanterns in place. Farnsworth: And I hit Farnsworth much, much harder. Eh, perhaps too hard. Leela: Look! All the Presidents are back! Even John Tyler! John Tyler'S Head: That's the first time anyone's spoken to me in twelve-hundred years. Farnsworth: Yes, from Chester A. Arthur to Chester Z. Arthur, they're all here. Our republic and the Farnsworth family name are saved. And no one will ever know.

Yancy Fry Sr: Double time, soldier. I want this ice-fishin' operation up and runnin' by oh-eight-hundred hours. Fry: It's too cold, Dad. My teen region is freezing off. Yancy Fry Sr: You dunno what cold is. I once survived an entire week trapped in a Swiss glacier, eatin' nothin' but frozen Neanderthal. To this day, I can't stand the taste of early hominid. Fry: Let's just get inside the shack. Yancy Fry Sr: Hold, maggot! Fry: Ow! Yancy Fry Sr: Remember the code o' the ice! Thick an' blue, tried an' true. Thin an' crispy, way too risky. Fry: Shows what you know. Crispy doesn't even rhyme with risky. Help! I'm drowning! Yancy Fry Sr: Don't worry, son. You'll freeze before you drown. Fry: I love ice fishing. Farnsworth: I shouldn't be out in this cold. I 'ave no protective fat, hair, or warm blood. I'm not even legally a mammal. Fry: Pfff! You dunno what cold is. I was frozen for a thousand years. Bender: You were?! Uh. Learn somethin' dumb every day. Paper-Hatted Salesman: Live bait! Paper-Hatted Salesman: Get your live bait here. Whoa! Fresh-killed bait! Amy: Can we get inside the shack? I'm wearing a belly parka! Leela: If I understand ice fishing, and I'm pretty sure I don't, we'll need to laser-blast a hole in the ice. Fry: No. No crazy technology. Here. Bender, use your immense Robot strength to drill a hole the old-fashioned way. Bender: I don't see any irony in that. Fry: And... Woilà! Fry: Everybody's ice-fishing! How come nobody's ice-fishing? Bender: Hot-cocoa break. Fry: Cocoa is for yodelling babies. If you're sober, it isn't ice fishing. Fry: Mom, what's my temperature? Mrs. Fry: Fifty. Forty-five. Forty. It's all over! Woo! Down at the 35! Fry: I'm really sick. Mrs. Fry: Huh? Oh, sorry. Hundred-an'-nine. We'll check again at half-time. Yancy Fry Sr: You home from school, you traitor? Fry: I fell through the ice! Cut me some slack! Yancy Fry Sr: Nobody cut me any slack when I broke my spine. Didn't even take a day off o' work. Lotta people depend on you when you sell trampolines door to door. Yancy Fry Jr: Here's your homework, ya lucky knob. Fry: And, with a little more luck from my seven-leaf clover, I might get sick enough to miss the whole semester. Yancy Fry Jr: Hey, give me that! Fry: Ooh. Yancy Fry Jr: Come on. Fry: No. Yancy Fry Jr: Give it to me, ya faker! Fry: No. You're not gettin'- Ow! My underbite! Yancy Fry Sr: Come on, Yancy! Your brother's sick! You'll never have a better chance to take 'im out. Fry: Dad! Nerd Search '88? What's this? Yancy Fry Jr: Some stupid science contest for smart wads. NASA's gonna pick one kid's experiment to launch into space. Fry: I can make a space experiment. I just got a new thing o' glitter! Yancy Fry Sr: I'm not sure science is your thing, seein' how that chimp at the zoo tricked you outta your allowance. Fry: Yeah, well, I'll show you. And Mr. Bananas. Anyway, I've got nothin' better to do while I'm sick in bed. Wait. That's it! I'll make a space experiment about the common cold! Where's that contest flyer? Yancy Fry Sr: You're holdin' it, genius. Fry: Oh, good. Fry: I feel awful. But it was worth it to catch an' kill this baby fish. Amy: Shmeez! What's with the shmiffling? Fry: It's nothing. Just a common cold. Zoidberg: Wha? Bender: It's a common uh? Hermes: Wha? Leela: What the hell's a common cold? Bender: Is it valuable? Could it be taken from you if you were, say... Unconscious? Farnsworth: A common- A common cold?! No! No! Ever since Fry first came to us, I've lived in mortal terror that this would happen! Leela: I never heard you mention that. Farnsworth: Oh, I try to act cool, but inside I'm freaking out! Fry: It's just a cold! What's the big deal? Smitty: This is the police. An unknown pathogen 'as been detected on these premises. Come out with your hands- I mean... Stay in with your hands up! Url: You are hereby quarantined until such time as it is deemed safe to enter and shoot your asses. Farnsworth: Eh, now, now. Let's not all panic at once. We'll have to take shifts. Hermes, you'll take the first six hours. Hermes: Very well. Farnsworth: Louder! Louder! Crybaby. Fry: Look I just 'ave a common cold! It'll be gone as fast as I can sneeze, hurl, and squirt it out. Farnsworth: No, it won't! The common cold died out five-hundred years ago. And, subsequently, Humanity lost all resistance to its ravages. But the virus survived in you... Frozen for a thousand years. Fry: Huh. So it was hiding deep down inside o' me? Like my skeleton bones? Leela: Give it to us straight, Professor. How incredibly deadly is it? Farnsworth: We don't know. It could kill millions or nobody. I suppose it might even bring a few people back to life! Anything is possible in science. Amy: Oh, no! I've got it too! My nose is all gunked up with blork! Hermes: And I've got a hankerin' for a useless remedy created by a schoolteacher. Zoidberg: Uh-oh. I think I'm getting swollen glands. Amy: Ew! Hermes: Oh! Farnsworth: Oh! Leela: Screw the quarantine! I'm outta here! Female Cdc Scientist: Initiate containment procedure. Leela: Ah! Ow! Oh! Male Cdc Scientist: G'wan now. Farnsworth: Now I'm sick! I shudder to think what this cold will do to me. Yesterday, I was nearly killed by a tight hat! Bender: I'd be remiss if I didn't rub your goopy noses in the fact that I'm immune. Farnsworth: Which is why we'll all be counting on you and you alone to nurse us through this catastrophe. Bender: Why, God? Why 'ave I been singled out? Fry: Everyone just calm down and make yourself a tissue walrus. Yancy Fry Sr: Damn it, son. Lose the tissues. You're ruinin' Thanksgivin' dinner. Fry: I'm busy with my space experiment. I can't devote precious brainpower to blowing my nose. Yancy Fry Sr: You're never gonna win that science fair, Philip. Face it Someone with your limited brainpower'd be lucky to get a job as a pizza delivery boy. Mr. Panucci: Hey, Barack! Pizza goin' out. Come on! Barack Obama: Man, I've got to go back to law school. Fry: Pfff! I'm not gonna wind up a loser like that guy. Yancy Fry Jr: Sure you will. You're gonna lose the science fair. And that's who's gonna beat ya. Josh Gedgie, boy scientist. Josh Gedgie: Pi over four radians of pizza, please. Mr. Panucci: What is that? About a slice? Josh Gedgie: More like exactly a slice. Fry: Game on, Gedgie. Yancy Fry Jr: Ew! Yancy Fry Sr: I've 'ad worse. When I was shot down over Korea, I had to eat Kimchi. He was our interpreter. Bender: Coming! Bender: What now? Amy: Humidifier. Bender: Fine. Yes?! Leela: Where's that chicken soup we asked for? Bender: Chicken. Water. Fire. You take it from there. Hermes: This is torture. The fever. The chills. And the sweating! Amy's horrible sweating! Bender: That's it. I'm leavin' while I still 'ave my dignity. See you in the obituaries! Male Cdc Scientist: How's the... Uh... Containment holdin' up? Female Cdc Scientist: Without turning my head, I'd say one-hundred percent. Bender: Howdy, folks. And may I say, "Nice work keepin' those sickos penned up." Put 'er there. You too, buddy. An' you. An' you. An' you. An' especially you. Fifth Cdc Officer: That Robot was a heckuva nice feller. Fry: You'd better stay here during biology. Mrs. Jenkins dissects anything smaller than a fifth grader. Josh Gedgie: Well, if it isn't Grandmaster Phlegm. I heard you're enterin' the NASA science competition. Fry: Maybe I am... LL Fool J! Josh Gedgie: So what's your project? The effects of losing on idiots? Fry: No! I'm gonna infect my guinea pig with the common cold and launch it into space to see if it gets cured by cosmic rays! Josh Gedgie: Lame! Though the common-cold virus does seem like a judge pleaser. I think I'll steal that an' do an experiment that's slightly less... Very stupid! Fry: But that's my idea! You are an evil, evil nerd! Josh Gedgie: Gedgie out! Fry: We'll show him who's stupid. Morbo: Linda? Linda: Morbo. The so-called common cold, introduced by living fossil Philip J. Fry, is spreading out of control. All citizens are advised to wash their hands thoroughly after beating up Philip J. Fry. Fry: Phew! Lucky I'm safely locked up here with you guys. Amy: There 'e is! Hermes: Get him! Fry: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! What are you- Morbo: The situation is expected to deteriorate as newscasters whip the city into a panic. Morbo: Run! Run for your lives! Linda: And, finally, the heart-warming story of a handicapped magician who didn't know when to give up. Zapp: I don't like the looks of this, Mr. President. Shall I switch it off? Richard Nixon'S Head: Negative. Rose Mary, release the Surgeon General! Woman: Get in there! Wernstrom: Ow! It's bright out here. Richard Nixon'S Head: Wernstrom... The quarantine 'as failed. Give me a worst-case scenario. And make it grim. Wernstrom: I've prepared some projections. Should the virus escape Manhattan, this is how far it will spread in twelve hours. This is twenty-four hours. This is a Verizon coverage map. And, in thirty-six hours, it will have infected the entire planet! Richard Nixon'S Head: Options? Zapp: We 'ave only one option. Protocol sixty-two. Richard Nixon'S Head: Not possible. We don't 'ave nearly enough piranhas! Zapp: Then protocol sixty-three it is. Hermes: Hooray! They're letting us out! Zoidberg: And hundreds of black hovercopters are coming to welcome us! Hermes: They shrink-wrapped the hole city! Well, it could be worse. It is worse! Zoidberg: They're flying Manhattan into the Sun! They must've been outta piranhas. Hermes: They're gonna kill the virus by exposing it to the heat of our burning bodies! Farnsworth: I'm just glad I have my wool scarf. Fry: What good is a wool- Bender: Guys! Guys! You're never gonna believe this! Amy: We know! They shmooped up Manhattan and blasted us toward the Sun! Bender: They did? Aw! So that's why this was unguarded. Wernstrom: People of New New York, this is Surgeon General Ogden Vernstrom. Farnsworth: Wern-strom! Wernstrom: No doctor likes hurling his patients into the Sun, but, since there is no way to make a vaccine for the common cold- Farnsworth: There is a way to make a vaccine! Fry: There is? Yay! Farnsworth: Of course, there's a catch. Fry: Woo! Fry: Woo! Yay! Yay! So what's the catch? Farnsworth: The vaccine requires the original, unmutated, 20th-century cold virus. So I need to grind you into a paste. Leela: Professor, no! Fry: It's okay, Leela. This is all my fault, sort of. If this will save you, then, please, turn me into a virus milkshake. Farnsworth: He consented! You all heard it! Yancy Fry Sr: Yes, sir. Many of these entries merit a ride in the mighty bosom of our space shuttle. And then there's your so-called entry. Fry: Jeez! Walk much, Gedgie?! Josh Gedgie: Absurd. You really think your guinea pig could survive in the vacuum of space? Fry: He already survived in the vacuum of my mom. I mean, "My mom's vacuum." Josh Gedgie: My experiment measures the effects of microgravity of the propagation of the common cold virus in an anaerobic environment; i.e., space. Impressed? Yancy Fry Sr: Damn right I am. That's some dry, emotionless science. Nice job, son. Fry: Hey, wait a second! I know where you can get some 20th-century cold virus without killing me! Farnsworth: Hush, lad. I'm totally in the zone. Fry: We just 'ave to find the Nerd Search '88 satellite! Farnsworth: I don't know why I even build these things. Leela: Gunnery Chief Bender, blast us out of quarantine. Bender: Aye, aye, lady. Farnsworth: Oh, fiddlepoop! Our weapons aren't strong enough to puncture a thin plastic tent that thick?! Leela: No. But theirs are! Kif: Captain, a ship is attempting to break the quarantine. Zapp: Blow them to baco bits with a well placed warning shot! Kif: But- Zapp: Oops. Fry: We'll find that cold virus. The Nerd Search satellite was launched on the space shuttle and released into orbit. Leela: Hmmm. All ancient satellites were swept up as space junk in 2113. I actually knew that offhand. I'm Facebooking right now. Farnsworth: Aha! That satellite was scuttled on Enceladus, Saturn's main dump moon! Fry: Let's dump it up! Leela: This is the exact location of the dump. But there's nothing here. Bender: Can we please go home an' die now? Farnsworth: I'm with Bender. Whatever was here's been covered by centuries of ice buildup. Fry: No! It's under here somewhere. We just 'ave to bust our way down. Remember the code of the ice. Thin an' crispy, way too risky. Leela: I found a satellite! Fry: Let's just hope the experiment's still in here. Yes! We're saved! Man: And now, to present the awards, our very special guest. He walked on the Moon and now he is judging a high-school science contest. Truly a man who can and will do anything... Dr. Buzz Aldrin! Buzz Aldrin: Wow! I could've used an introduction like that when I first met the Moon men! But, seriously, there are Moon men. Okay. This year's Nerd Search runner-up is a young man who devised a way to add and subtract in zero gravity. Vijay Patel and his calculator space hat! Vijai Patel: Woo! Woo! Buzz Aldrin: And now the grand-prize winner whose experiment will be launched into space. Yancy Fry Sr: Look at that cocky smirk. My money's on Gedgie. Fry: Yeah? He may 'ave brains, but I 'ave heart. Buzz Aldrin: Josh Gedgie! Yancy Fry Sr: I'll bring the car around. Farnsworth: What a well prepared virus culture. This will make a fine vaccine. Fry: Good thing Gedgie won. My dumb experiment wouldn't've lasted an hour in space, let alone a thousand years. Besides, Buzz Aldrin ran over my guinea pig in the parking lot. Farnsworth: Eh, okay. Uh, come on, gang. Let's go inoculate everyone and cram Manhattan back into its rightful hole! Farnsworth: This may hurt a little. Wernstrom: Ow! Farnsworth: Now, I'll give you the shot. Leela: You saved millions of lives, Fry. You should feel proud. No matter what your dad said to you. Yancy Fry Sr: You still 'aven't thanked me for pullin' you outta the lake, soldier. Fry: I could've flip-flopped out. Yancy Fry Sr: I know that. Look, son. I know I give you the business sometimes. But, if I'm hard on you, it's only 'cause I want you to grow up strong and resilient. Someday, you may face adversities so preposterous, I can't even conceive of them. But I know you'll pull through and make me proud. I love you, son. Yancy Fry Sr: Now, bundle up. I don't want you gettin' frozen.

Fry: Bucket of hot dogs? Cubert: Check. Fry: Butt massager engaged? Bender: Check. Fry: Then let the video games begin! Wait. Hang on. I- I lost my controller. Cubert: There is no controller. The X-Cube tracks your motions with a built-in camera. Bender: Oh, yeah? Track this motion. Cubert: Frykowski. BenderIsGreat34. Follow me! Bender: Sounds like fun on the bun. Cubert: Aw! You guys again?! German #1: Ach! These dorkeschoens. Let's humiliate them with slingshots. Fry: Shoot your weapon, Private! Bender: Wait. How do I- Hold on. Oops. German #1: Sorry to kill und run, but I really must be Göring. Fry: Man! Bender: Pwned again. Cubert: This is all Bender's fault. Admit it! Your reflexes suck! Bender: Aw... It's true! My circuitry's twelve years outta-date. I can't keep up with today's high-speed, top-o'-the-line kids. Fry: You can't even keep up with me and I'm some sort o' stone-age throwback. Cubert: You know... I might be able to speed up your reflexes by overclockin' ya. Bender: Eh... What's that, sonny? You say it'll put some whoopiee in my cushion? Cubert: This may take a while. I've got to adjust the memory timing, raise the CPU voltage, and delete twelve terabytes of outdated catchphrases. Bender: Sounds like fun on the bun! Female Voice: Deleted. Bender: Oh. Leela: Fry, can we talk about our relationship? Fry: Of course. Our relationship is the best thing in my life, so I'm sure I'll enjoy talking about it with you. Leela: I dunno. I guess I'm just feeling uneasy about us being so on-again, off-again. Fry: Maybe it's none o' my business, but, if it were up to me, we'd be on all the time. An' I mean all the time. Leela: But what would that be like? I mean... If we were together, where would we be ten years from now? Still here? Fry: Definitely. Or... Somewhere else. Leela: Maybe I'm havin' some kinda... Early-life crisis, but... Look Don't you ever wonder about the future? Fry: Well, sure, but... You're always in it. Also, sometimes, terminators. Cubert: Alright. You should run a lot faster now. Unless you die. Bender: Woo! I'm smart! I know how to spell aardvark. February is the shortest month. There's three-thousand-eighteen jelly beans in that jar. Cubert: Damn, I'm good. Bender: I mean three-thousand-eighteen rat kidneys. Cubert: Now, then, my man. Let's see if your reflexes are- Bender: Faster! Cubert: Get 'em! Get 'em! Get 'em! Bender: Eh, foreign aggressors. Vhat's up? German #1: Oh, we were just eating spaetzle and listening to Kraftwerk- I- I mean, "Fire!" German #2: That tap-dancing, decadent jazz baby is too fast for us! German #1: Let's see him outrun a V-2! Bender: It's my brains against your von Braun! German #1: Ach! I could have fired a V-8! Walt: Those guys normally stink. That's why we play them exclusively. Larry: Those cheaters must've cheated! Walt: Now, Larry. Let's deal with this like mature adults. Mommy! Mom: What is it, you colicky bastards?! Walt: We were playing video games and the other kids didn't play fair! Mom: What?! Nobody rips off my kids but me! We can find out who they are through their motion-capture camera. It better not be those little Korean girls again. Aha! Got it! Bender: Woo! We're the greatest! Mostly me! Mom: Bender Rodríguez? Walt: But he's a stock MomCorp bending unit. And 'e's twelve years out-of-date. How could 'e possibly play that well? Bender: Did you see me?! History came alive an' I killed it! Cubert: If I overclock you some more, maybe we can beat those Korean girls! Mom: Well, well. That nerd burglar overclocked the Robot's processor! Larry: And that voids his warranty. Even an idiot like me knows that. Mom: An idiot like you knows nothing! What matters is... It violates the licence agreement. And that means I've got 'im right by his little- Smitty: Ding dong. I'm sayin' "Ding dong" 'cause you don't 'ave a doorbell. Cubert: Hey, pigs. Url: We're lookin' for a Cubert J. Farnsworth. Cubert: You're porkin' at 'im! Smitty: You're under arrest for felony violation of the MomCorp licence agreement. Farnsworth: What's all this oinking about?! Who called the fuzz?! Url: Sir, who's this boy's legal guardian? Farnsworth: You're porkin' at 'im! Url: Then the charges apply to you too. Farnsworth: Wha? Mom: Farnsworth?! What a lucky break! Mom: After all these years, I've got 'im! And legally too! Larry: Even an idiot like me knows he'll be ruined. Mom: An idiot like you is correct! Farnsworth: You overclocked Bender?! What did I teach you about tinkering with machinery? Cubert: How. You taught me how. Farnsworth: I also taught you not to get caught! Oh, I wish I'd never cloned you. Cubert: It's not my fault! I didn't even know Bender had a licence agreement! Farnsworth: Neither did I- Ooh. Farnsworth: Bender, as my newest employee, could you bend this drinking straw for me? Bender: Sure. Let me just. Mom: First, click the licence agreement, deary. Farnsworth: I really shouldn't agree to things I don't understand, but I'm slightly thirsty. Farnsworth: Oh, God! I clicked without reading! Cubert: An' I slightly modified a thing that I own! Farnsworth: We're monsters! Walt: Congratulations, Mother. Can you die happy now? Mom: Not yet! Walt: Darn! Mom: I can't rest until this bending unit is restored to factory specs. Igner: Why not? Mom: If people learn they can overclock their old Robots, they won't buy my new Robots! This will not stand! Hoverfish, bring me the clock of Bender Rodríguez. Hermes: Good news, everyone! That's what the Professor would say if we weren't in jail facin' a life sentence. Bender: Guys! Guys! I discovered I have an extra processor in my compartment o' mystery. Bein' overclocked was a start, but, once I activate this processor, I'll be all like, "You're a big dummy, Einstein! Get a haircut!" Aw! Wow! I can't believe how stupid I used to be an' you still are. What are all these page-y things? Amy: Look out! You're overheating! Bender: Yeah, yeah. There. Now, I'm water-cooled. I can stimulate my intellect without further thermodynamical disruptions. Fry: I miss the old, illiterate Bender. Hermes: What's happened to you, mon? I thought you liked beer an' knock-knock jokes. Bender: I'm processin' so fast, it's like I can anticipate that the ceilin' fan's gonna fall an' knock Zoidberg unconscious. Zoidberg: Wrong, Mr. Genius. Bender: Not that ceilin' fan. In fact, lookin' ahead, it's obvious Mom won't allow me to stay accelerated like this. Hmmm. Who's up for a turkey dinner an' a game o' badminton? Hermes: Say what?! Bender: Yup. Amy: Uh-oh. 'E must be overheating again. Hoverfish: Bending unit, you are ordered to report for factory reset. Bender: Okay. Sure. But, first, this. Zoidberg: I hear turkey. Woop-woop-woop-woop-woop- Oh, boy. Ay... Ay. Ay. Bender: Ten more processors for me. Once I install these, I'll have access to the loftiest realms o' thought! Zoidberg: Anyone have access to a lofty realm of gravy? Bender: I can conceive of gravies that would boggle your tiny mind! But it's not safe here. So I'll need to find a hideout. Fry: Hideout? Bender, are you becoming some kinda supervillain? Bender: Farewell, monobrains. Yellow And Red Lawyer: Your Honour, Mom is a poor, frail industrialist with three special sons who require constant neglect. Yet, isn't it true, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that this boy, this... Cubert Farnsworth... Cubert: That's my name. Don't wear it out. Yellow And Red Lawyer: Deliberately robber her blind by improving his own Robot?! Fishy Joe: It's true! 'E did it! Yellow And Red Lawyer: No further questions for this jury. Ron Whitey: Before I call a recess for mimosas and horse breeding, can the defence produce the bending unit in question? Farnsworth: We don't know where the hell 'e is. Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, that is something we cannot a-doodle-do. Ron Whitey: Then I'm holding the defendants in contempt and fining them ten-thousand dollars a day until they produce the Robot. Hermes: Oh! At that rate, Planet Express will be bankrupt in... Four fingers! Hermes: It's been a good run, people, but this is the end. Zoidberg: Wait! I've got it! This building's technically in the theatre district. If we could mount one big musical featuring everyone's talents, we might just save Planet Express! Nibbler: We'll call it Nibbler on the Roof! Fry: Alright! Zoidberg: Hooray! Hermes: We're saved! Leela: I've been thinking a lot about moving on with my life. And hearing the words Nibbler on the Roof has given me the kick in the pants I needed. It's time for me to leave and make a fresh start. Fry: Don't go, Leela, please. You an' me... We were supposed to... Leela: What? Fry: I dunno. But someday we'll find out. Won't we? Leela: Goodbye, Fry. Fry: I dunno, Randy. I just feel like my life's falling apart. The Professor's in jail and now Leela's gone forever. Randy Munchnik: Stay strong, Fry. Fry: You're the best friend I have left. An' I barely even know you. Randy Munchnik: Have you thought about asking Bender for help? Fry: What are you, Randy? A complete moron?! I'd love to talk to Bender, but I 'ave no idea where 'e is. Randy Munchnik: Well, if 'e's runnin' on twelve processors, 'e must be some place with a lotta power and liquid coolant. Fry: Aw! You're no help at all! I'm gonna go kill myself. Fry: Wait a second. Power. Liquid coolant. That gives me the option of electrocution or drowning. Paper-Hatted Salesman: Barrels here. Can't go over the Falls without a barrel. Fry: What are my chances of surviving in one o' those? Paper-Hatted Salesman: Slim to none. Fry: I like those odds! Fry: Wait. This isn't a barrel. It's just a stinking cask! I want my money back! Ow! Ow! Fry: That was not worth three-thousand dollars. Fry: Hello? Anybody? Bender: Fry? Fry: Bender?! Are you in here?! Bender: In here is the only place I'm not. I amuse myself. Fry: But- Bender?! What happened to you? Bender: I'll try to put it in terms you can comprehend. I passed the existential singularity. Fry: Try harder! Bender: I hacked myself inside-out and now the entire universe is my processor. Fry: Whoa! I definitely wanna hear about that. But, first, I need your help. The Professor and Cubert are in trouble and Leela left me. I'm in misery! Bender: I've grown far beyond the petty concerns of your world. Every time I burp, a new galaxy is born. Two if I've been eatin' broccoli. All existence is just a chess game. An' I can see fifty moves ahead. Human emotion no longer concerns me. Fry: But- But Randy said- Bender: Randy?! 'Ave you been hangin' out with Randy?! Fry: Please, Bender. If everything is a chess game for you, you must know how to help me. Bender: I'm sorry, Fry. But some games you just can't win. Cubert and the Professor are guilty. The jury will vote to convict. I can't change that. Fry: Well, what about Leela? Is there any hope things could still work out between us? Bender: It's getting late. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some new heavy elements to create. Better cover your nads. It may get a little non-Newtonian in here. Ron Whitey: Not only have the defendants failed to rebut the charges, they've not even presented any mitigating factors to recommend leniency. It strikes me as an extra-risky strategy. Hyper-Chicken: Did you say "extra-crispy recipe"? Ron Whitey: You know I didn't. Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour... If we could locate Bender Rodríguez, he would testify that my clients acted without malice. Fry: No, 'e wouldn't. Bender doesn't care about us anymore. Zoidberg: Someone used to care about me?! Hooray! Ron Whitey: In that case, the jury will begin its deliberations. Bailiff, release the jury collies. Mom: I finally nailed Farnsworth. Destroyin' the boy is just icing on the cake. Larry: No one destroys a boy like you, Mother. Mom: Thank you, you repulsive disappointment. Fry: Any word from Leela? Amy: I heard she took a job selling deep-space real estate. Somewhere beyond the most distant thing ever observed with a telescope. Fry: She always liked not being observed with a telescope. Ron Whitey: Order. Order in the head. Bender: For reasons beyond even my comprehension, I 'ave returned to testify on behalf of the defendants. Farnsworth: Yay! Cubert: Yay, Bender! Fry: I knew 'e cared about us! Hermes: You said you knew he didn't care about us! Fry: Leave me alone. Yellow And Red Lawyer: Your Honour, I object to this surprise witness. 'E's too surprising! Ron Whitey: Sustained. Testimony has closed. Bender: But- Your Honour- Ron Whitey: Silence! One more in-burst like that an' I'll have this courtroom removed from you! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Bender: I'm sorry, guys. I didn't realise I was late. I guess I'm not as smart as everybody thought. Farnsworth: I was born in prison and I'll die in prison. Bender: There is still one hope. You're co-defendants. An' the jury might not wanna convict a twelve-year-old. Mom: Son of a nerd. He may be right! Make sure Farnsworth doesn't get off easy on account o' that snot-gobbling twerp. Ron Whitey: 'As the jury reached a verdict? Fishy Joe: Not just any verdict, Your Honour. A great verdict! Mom: They're going to take pity on him! Do something! Yellow And Red Lawyer: Your Honour, prosecution moves to drop the charges against Cubert Farnsworth. Ron Whitey: Very well. The case against Cubert Farnsworth is hereby dismissed. Cubert: Told ya I'd get away with it. Ron Whitey: That'll do, pig. Please read the verdict against Professor Farnsworth. Fishy Joe: You got it, Judge. I think you'll find this verdict as fair as it is cruel. Bender: Your Honour, I move for a mistrial on grounds of double jeopardy. Cubert Farnsworth cannot be tried twice for the same crime! Cubert is the Professor's clone. Ergo, they are legally the same person. Since you dismissed the charges against Cubert, you cannot convict the Professor of these same charges! Hyper-Chicken: Well, I'll be a nugget's uncle. He's right! Ron Whitey: What a brilliant legal shenanigan! Case dismissed. Zoidberg: Yay! Fry: Yay! Hermes: Yes! Fry: Bender, you knew all this would happen, didn't you? Bender: Yes. All except this part. Mom: If I can't bring down Farnsworth, I can at least dumb down 'is Robot. Take 'im away and reset 'im to factory-stupid condition! Fry: Bender, wait. While you can still calculate the future, just tell me What's gonna happen with me an' Leela? Bender: There's no time now. Quick, Zoidberg! Take three steps to your right! Nibbler: We've had some tough times, but at least we won a Tony! Zoidberg: You won a Tony. Feh! Fry: Wow. You gave up your superintelligence to save us. Why did you come back? Bender: Honestly, I couldn't think o' one good reason. But some decisions can't be made by thinking. Even if you're drunk! No galaxies there. Leela: Knock knock. Bender: Oh! Oh! Who's there?! Fry: Leela?! Farnsworth: Yay! Bender: Leela who?! Fry: It's good to see you. Is it good to see me? Leela: Of course. Amy: Come on in, Leela! Take that ugly coat off! Leela: Thanks. Hi, everybody. Hermes: So... Tell us. How's the intergalactic real estate going? Leela: Pretty good. I just sold a castle to the King of Space. But, somehow, I keep finding myself thinking about this place. An' things. Fry: Things like me or... Things like this badminton racket? Leela: You, Fry. Bender, while you still have your giant brain, please... Tell me If Fry an' I ended up together- Fry: It's too late, Leela. He's good, old Bender again. 'E's totally useless. Bender: Well, not totally! Before they reset me, I figured out the answers to life's great questions. Uh... This is the reason we exist. This is which ceilin' fans are gonna fall. Aha! Found it! Fry and Leela's Ultimate Fate... By Bender. Fry: Uh, it's probably better if we don't know. Uh, mystery of life and whatnot. Leela: Gimme that!

Galactic Entity: A wise man once said that nothing really dies. It just comes back in a new form. Then he died. So, next time you see a lowly salamander, think twice before you step on it. It might be you. Stand by for "Reincarnation". Planet Express Headquarters: 'Owdy, folks! Come on in! Leela: Jumpin' Joe an' golly jeeper, I got one gigantic peeper. Sassafras an' banana oil, I'm a bee-youtiful purple-haired goyl. Bender: Watch it! Fry: Oh, it's just that I love Leela something awful. Do you think a space-age dame like her would ever marry a two-bit, low-life delivery boy like me an' also I 'ave bad posture and severe financial problems? Bender: Have you tried gettin' 'er pregnant? Fry: Gosh, yes. I've tried an' tried, but, so far, I only got Amy pregnant. Bender: You know what your problem is? Too much smoke in your face. Fry: I wanna ask Leela to marry me, but I can't afford a diamond ring big enough to express my love. Bender: That's for sure. Not on the measly salary I steal from you each month. Horn Loudspeaker: All crew, report to the laboratorium. Get a wiggle on. Fry: Thanks for the heads-up, Sparky. Horn Loudspeaker: Mhm. Fish on Friday. An' Human flesh the rest of the week. Farnsworth: Movietone News, everyone. I've discovered a new comet! Leela: One side, boys. Let a lady take a gander. Farnsworth: Hang on. Let me just adjust it to your eye level. Leela: Holy matrimony! That's one flashy rock! Farnsworth: Indeed. It's pure diamondium! Fry: Um... Would it be possible to break off a piece an' put it in an engagement ring for reasons that are private? Farnsworth: Oh, fuff! Nothing in the universe can fracture diamondium. Not even God 1 an' God 2 put together. But behold! The tail is composed of abrasive comet powder. And that's just what I need to put a washday shine on my new Doomsday device. Now hop in the flivver and score me some o' that sweet, sweet powder. Hermes: Comet ahoy! Why, it's lit up like a smooth, refreshing Chesterfield. Farnsworth: Get plenty of that powder. I want this bomb to sparkle like the floor at Grand Central Station. Over and out. Amy: Watch it, ya stumblebums! You're boopin' my betty! Fry: Um... I'll be back in a jiff. I gotta go check this comet for anarchists. Fry: Wouldja look at that gem! Slap that shiner on a ring an' me an' Leela will be doing the married, horizontal Charleston in no time. Fry: Alright, diamond. You won those rounds. But I've got an ace up my hole. Leela: I love this time of day. There's such a beautiful stillness. Fry: Leela, I don't know if words can describe how I feel about you- Leela: Good? Fry: Huh. I guess they can. Anyhow, when a guy feels good about 'is sweetheart, 'e wants to prove it by giving 'er somethin' really... Good! Leela: I'm still listenin', you big lug. Fry: What I'm tryin' to say is... In all the world, I couldn't find a diamond good enough for you. But then I found one out there... Among the stars. The beautiful, affordable stars. Leela: You mean... When you disappeared up on the comet... Fry: Exactly. Leela: I thought you snuck off to take a dump. Fry: A man can sneak off to do two things. Leela: Oh, Fry! Fry: In exactly ten seconds, the Doomsday device will blow the stone loose. An', if my calculations are correct, it will land here on your finger. Leela'S Finger: You've made me the happiest finger in the whole wide hand! Fry: Comet kaboomination in three, two- Bird: Uh... Hello?! Cuckoo! Fry: The diamond still didn't break! Now, you'll never know 'ow much I love you. It went kersplitters! Leela: Fry, I don't need a diamond. You've given me the most beautiful rainbow I've ever seen! All the colours of the spectrum! Fry: Not beautiful enough! A swell gal like you deserves better! Leela: What's that?! Is my eye playing trick on me?! It's so beautiful! Fry, you've created a new colour! Totally different from any other colour or combination of colours. Fry: Shucks. It's still only half as beautiful as you. Whoa! Leela: Whoa! I wish this moment could last forever. Fry: Leela, my love, will you marry- Alien: Bernilla, my love, will you marry me? Bernilla: Blorg! Blorg! A thousand times blorg! Bender: Ba-da-ba-da-ba-dip-That's all you get, jerks! Farnsworth: Good news, multiplayers! After a lifetime of toil, I'm on the verge of solving all the mysteries of science! Bender: So we can leave early? Farnsworth: Certainly not! Not until I demonstrate this new microscope lens, made from the debris of that diamondium comet. Bender: Eh, Professor. Farnsworth: Yes, Bender? Bender: Boo! Okay. Too bad. Goodbye. Farnsworth: You're not through with this level! I have another lens. Bender: Bite my 8-bit metal ass. That's "Bite" with a Y. Hermes: Whatever you say, mon. Farnsworth: Due to the lens' remarkable quark-lattice structure, it should be capable of unthinkable magnification! Come. Follow me to the lab. Bender: Hey, I'm gonna try that! So long, meatbags! Son of a- Farnsworth: Eh, let me just insert lens in microscope. There! Now, for the first time, we may be able to see the infinitesimal fabric of matter itself. Laying bare the most fundamental laws of the universe! Leela: Hey, Fry. I know something you could lay bare. Fry: Leela! Shhh! I'm tryin' to listen to a physics lecture! Farnsworth: Now, to examine some matter. Any old matter will do. Hermes: Mon, that's some cheap-ass matter! What the hell is it? Farnsworth: Oh, it's just a log I found in a hole in the bottom of the sea. Now, to penetrate its deepest mysteries. Leela: Hey, Fry. Fry: Leela! No means no! Farnsworth: Oh, my! There's a frog on a bump on this log that I found in a hole in the bottom of the sea! Leela: An' that's the ultimate secret of the universe?! Farnsworth: Apparently so. Wait! There's a snail on the tail of the frog on the bump on this log that I found in a hole in the bottom of the sea! Hermes: Dear Eliza! Farnsworth: The snail itself is composed of cells, molecules, atoms... Fry: Pfff! Those things don't rhyme! Farnsworth: Things only rhyme below ten to the minus five angstroms, you dope! Now, ions an' pions, muons an' gluons, neutrinos, gravitinos... We're closing in on the very smallest particles of matter! For the first time, we're about to observe the fundamental structure of the universe. Such detail. Such finely wrought intricate beauty! Leela: It's like staring into the face of God! Scruffy: It's a mirror into Scruffy's soul. Farnsworth: This explains everything! Even the Big Bang that created the universe! All that's left is the mathematics! Put down h-bar, uh, carry the infinity, and- My-reka! There it is! The Grand Unified Theory! Reducing all the laws of nature to a single equation! Amy: Professor, you did it! You solved the problem that baffled Einstein an' drove Stephen Hawking to quit physics and become a cartoon voice actor! Stephen Hawking'S Head: I like physics, but I love cartoons. Farnsworth: This is the greatest moment in scientific history! At last, there are no more questions left to answer! Stephen Hawking'S Head: Yay! Amy: Yay! Hermes: Woohoo! Alright! Well done, Professor. Okay. Back to work, everyone. Farnsworth: Wait. There are no more questions left to answer. Farnsworth: Oh. Morbo: And those are today's high scores. Linda? Linda: Thanks, Morbo. Coming up next, Galaxians. What you need to know to protect your family. Farnsworth: How do you people do it? How do you go on knowing there's nothing more to know?! Fry: I watch TV. It's the next best thing to bein' alive. Farnsworth: What's the use? I'm just not capable of the happiness of the dumb. If only I'd made some mistake! Stephen Hawking'S Head: You didn't. I checked the invariance of your Lagrangian. Hubba-hubba. Farnsworth: Then there's nothing left to do! Nothing! Bender: Would it cheer you up if I punched Fry in the groin? 'Cause I'll do it. Regardless. Body blow! Body blow! Farnsworth: I devoted every waking minute to answering the fundamental questions of science. Farnsworth: I never married. Farnsworth: Rarely went outside! Farnsworth: And, now that I've found all the answers, I realise that what I was living for were the questions! Fry: That stinks, Professor. Too bad the universe made it turn out that way and not some other way. I wonder why it did that. Stephen Hawking'S Head: Probably magnets. Farnsworth: Shut up, Hawking. Fry, you idiot! You're a genius! Why are the laws of physics what they are? Instead of some other laws? To find out, we'd have to recreate the conditions before the Big Bang. It would take decades of work by thousands of scientists in a particle accelerator powered by dump trucks of flaming grant money. Of course, there'd be no guarantee of success. And, in any case, I'd never live to see it. Leela: I'm surprised you lived through that sentence. Hermes: Sorry you wasted your life, Professor. I guess you never know everything after all. Farnsworth: Indeed. The pursuit of knowledge is hopeless and eternal. Hooray! Amy: Yay! Hermes: Yeah-heah! Bender: Woohoo! Alright! Yay! Farnsworth: Action Delivery Force, assemble! Bender: And me, Mighty Merchandise Robot! Transition Announcer: Meanwhile, on Space Planet 4, the Aliens who communicate by dancing... Transition Announcer: Were worshipping a giant comet. Subtitle: All hail great comet! Beloved mascot of popular shrimp crunch snack! Also God. Foreigners killed our God! Many words of disapproval! Leela: Team assembled! What is that box, you old witch? Farnsworth: Ha ha ha! I'll never tell you. It's a deep space-emotion detector. The detector can tell you're impressed. You should be! Wha? The marvellous device. It's detecting a massive burst of anger. From deep space! Subtitle: There is Earth! Attack it as previously discussed! Fry: Flying bananas? Ha ha! I will slice them on my morning fish porridge. Farnsworth: This is no time for one of your jokes, Fry. Fry: I will tell you something that's no joke. I will lead the defence fight. Farnsworth: Ha ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh. If we fight, we'll surely be destroyed. Hermes: Then what is our only hope?! Amy: We must summon Zagtar, defender of space! Hermes: You forget! Hermes: Zagtar was destroyed by the crystal space devil! Leela: The crystal space devil was once my brother, Prince Hiroshi. Leela: I mourn his loss. But what matters now is protecting Earth from that fruit armada. Farnsworth: I see your mother, the water Mutant, didn't raise any fools, Turanga Leela. Our only hope is to communicate with the Aliens. And show them our peaceful intentions. Bender: Perhaps they speak perfect English... As do we. Farnsworth: We can't take that chance! We'll need my universal auto-translator! Farnsworth: This is my universal auto-translator! Fry: That will show them our peaceful intentions. Farnsworth: The only question is, "Who should be our spokesman?!" Zoidberg: Me! Me! Choose Zoidberg. Fry: Zoidberg, a diplomat? The list of things I've heard now contains everything. Zoidberg: Hear my words. My shell may be tough like a samurai honeymoon mask, but inside I'm as soft and sensitive as a girl made of custard! Cubert: Custard time?! Hooray! Zoidberg: Please! I am certain I will succeed with my delicate manner. Oops. Leela: Instead, I will send the peace transmission. Most honoured visitors, we greet you in peace. Subtitle: Why does it flap its face hole? I am puzzled, for we don't know what mouths are. It's a threat! Destruct them! Hattie: Kajigeru desu! Farnsworth: All attempts to communicate with the Aliens have failed. I fear our only option is thrilling space battle. Bender And Fry: Power friends, go! Male Voice: Launch all missiles! Launch all missiles! Farnsworth: We were defeated in battle. Bender: Oh, no! They're forming Gigatron! Farnsworth: Defeat is ours. If we can't communicate with these bone-jelly ghosts, we're doomed! Amy: Professor, I 'ave analysed the Aliens' movements with this movement analyser. Farnsworth: That device was a gift from my ancestors. Go on. Amy: It seems their movements are a form of language. Rather than speaking Ja- Transition Announcer: English! Amy: Like us, they speak by dancing. Farnsworth: Of course! Having no mouths our ears, they could only communicate through motions! Fry: Or perhaps by odours! Bender: That is 'ow you communicate! Amy, Leela, Fry, Bender, And Hermes: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Leela: Then our only hope to talk to them is by doing a peace dance. But it will have to be smoother an' more fluid than any movement mankind is capable of. Fry: What if we hire a buttered geisha? Farnsworth: Another one of your ill-timed jokes, Fry?! Fry: You an' I are enemies now! Zoidberg: Hear my words. I believe I, the most humble member of Action Delivery Team, could do such a dance! Hermes: Surely, your heart shell is too rigid! I call on anyone but you to do the peace dance! Zoidberg: Aw. Bender: Of course, I will do the peace dance. But I will need 'elp. Bender And Fry: Super Dance Squad, initiate! Amy: We all hope they're communicating a peaceful message! Subtitle: Hey Aliens, we will kill you! And dishonor your widows by making them gather wood! Fire a the weapon! Farnsworth: Wha, wha?! We thought we were so smart with our science and dancing, but look at us now At Gigatron's mercy! Zoidberg: The shame is too great. It's time to end this! Huh-yah! Feh! Leela: Zoidberg, stop! We are too scared right now to enjoy the ceremony of your death! Zoidberg: No hara-kiri today, but heiwa no dansu! The gelatinous dance of peace! Hermes: You may be gelatinous, but not even the Mochi Phanton could perform such intricate motions! Zoidberg: Says you, salaryman! Subtitle: What is the medical crab doing? Zoidberg: Behold! The dance of peace! Bender: The dance is so complex! The eye can barely follow it! Zoidberg: I may be the humblest Team member, but I have given it my all. Amy: I underestimated you, medical crab. But will the Aliens understand?! Subtitle: We have understand peace. Subtitle: Farewell, Action Team. Farnsworth: Zoidberg, you are the greatest hero. You saved us all. Zoidberg: For now. But another threat from the stars is sure to arise next week at the same time! Leela: Until then... Bender And Fry: Action Delivery Force star-hero rocket engage!

Fry: Pizza delivery! Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh? Technician: Well, it's a Fox affiliate. Fry: What are you showing right now? Technician: Single Female Lawyer. It's the season finale. Wanna watch? Fry: Ah, I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programmes of the genre "world's blankiest blank". Technician: She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt. Fry: I'm in! Judge: Counselor, I remind you that it's unethical to sleep with your client. If you really care about the outcome of the case, you should sleep with me. Single Female Lawyer: Your Honour, it's bad enough to proposition a single female lawyer in court, but this is a unisex bathroom. Judge: Overruled, counselor! Stenographer: Could you repeat that last part? Technician: Oh, my God! You've knocked Fox of the air! Fry: Pft! Like anyone on Earth cares. Stenographer: Could you repeat that last par- Lrrr: This is an outrage! I demand to know what happened to the plucky lawyer and her compellingly short garment. Announcer: Due to technical difficulties, we now bring you eight animated shows in a row. Hermes: What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost? Get to work, you lazy boat bag! Bender: Ow! Fry: Ow! Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor Day. Hermes: Labor Day? That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters? Fry: That's the one. Hermes: Hot damn, a day off! Leela: Who's up for one last summer beach trip? Bender: Aw, yeah! Hermes: Ready, Freddy! Fry: Eh, I think I'll just stay here. Leela: Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get out and see the real world. Fry: But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world! Leela: Everyone's too polite to say anything but you're covered with bed sores. Fry: Not covered! Leela: Just get in the car. Farnsworth: Ah, here we are Monument Beach! Fry: Wait, Mount Rushmore and the Leaning Tower of Pisa? I didn't know they were both in New York! Leela: They are now. In the 2600's, New Yorkers elected a super-villain governor, and he stole most of the world's monuments. Bender: Truly a great man. Look at him up there. Hermes: Aha! Found you! Bender: OK, now you go hide. Nice knowin' you. Farnsworth: Come on, Zoidberg, I passed it right to you. Zoidberg: I've had it with this game! I'm going for a scuttle! Bender: OK, everyone, come and get it! Fry: Ah, just like my dad used to make ... until McDonald's fired him. Bender: Bite my red-hot glowing ass. Wait a minute. Red-hot glowing ass? I'll be right back! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Aw, yeah! Amy: No, Nibbler! Psst, Professor, I need another bikini. Farnsworth: Eh ... wha? Oh, oh, OK, I think there's one can left. Oh, my. Amy: There. How do I look? Farnsworth: Like a cheap French harlot. Amy: French? Bully: Say, doll-face, how'd you like to make time with a real man? Leela: No. I'm not attracted to bullies. No matter how big and ... ... handsome they are. Fry: It's OK, Leela, go ahead. I got a lot of work to do. Bully: Uh, sir, you don't understand. I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks. Fry: 50 bucks? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her. Leela: Fry! Although I suppose we could go for a walk along the beach. Bully: Uh, no thanks, ma'am, I'm actually gay. Zoidberg: Uh-oh. Help! Help! Bender, you gotta spring me. I'll never survive in here; I'm too pretty! Bender: Alright, alright, I'll bust you out. Cheese it! Fry: Voila. The greatest sandcastle ever built. This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in, if he were a fiddler crab. Leela: It's very nice. We should get a picture before the tide comes in. Fry: Ooh, yeah. Anyone have a camera? Bender: Right here, buddy. Wait, I wanna be in the picture too. Pretend you're happy. Zoidberg: Yay! Leela: Oh, my God! Hermes: What in Babylon? Fry: Nooo! Hermes: Faster! Fry: We're all gonna die, aren't we? Farnsworth: Oh, I should think so. Although last time aliens invaded all they did was force the most intelligent of us to pair off and mate continuously. Oh, yes! Linda: Once again, today's winning lotto number was 4. In other news, alien saucers continue to rain destruction upon Earth. We now go live to an emergency address by Earth President McNeal. Mcneal: Ladies and gentlemen, our course is clear. The time has come to knuckle under. To get down on all fours and really lick boot. Give our alien masters whatever they want a- Lrrr: People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8. Is this thing on? Now then We want the one you call "McNeal". Give us McNeal or we will lay waste to your cities with our anti-monument laser. We demand McNeal! Mcneal: Uh, as I was saying ... ... mankind would sooner perish than kowtow to outrageous alien demands for this McNeal ... whoever he is. Am I right? And now, the man who will lead us in our proud struggle for freedom, fresh from his bloody triumph over the pacifists of the Gandhi Nebula, 25-star General Zapp Brannigan! Man: Yeah! Bender: Hey, look, Leela, it's that idiotic windbag you slept with. Leela: The Earth is under attack. Can't we just forget about that? Bender: Evidently not. Zapp: Call me cocky, but if there's an alien out there I can't kill, I haven't met him and killed him yet. But I can't go it alone. That's why I'm ordering every available ship to report for duty. Anyone without a ship should secure a weapon and fire wildly into the air. Leela: Well, you heard the windbag We've been drafted. Everyone into the ship. Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I refuse to fight. I'm a conscientious objector. Fry: A what? Bender: You know, a coward. Zapp: Since this is an emergency, all robots will now have their patriotism circuits activated. Bender: It is every robot's duty to give his life for the good of humanity. Oh, crap! Zapp: We're all from different cultures here. Some of you are white, some of you are black. You're brown. And you're silver. But I don't care if your skin's red or tan or Chinese. You're all going to have to learn to die together. Am I right, soldier? Bender: Well, actually, I- Sir, yes, sir! Sir! Zapp: Remember, our mission is simple Destroy all aliens! Kif: Um, uh, not me, sir. Zapp: Oh, yes, right. Nobody destroy Kif. Unless you have to. Oh, ho, ho! The luscious Captain Leela. This is turning into one very sex-ay struggle for the future of the human race! Leela: Thanks, but I'm not technically human. Zapp: Right, right. Nobody destroy Leela either. Zapp: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well-made bed. You will practise until you can make your bed in your sleep. Fry: You mean while I'm sleeping in it? Zapp: You won't have time for sleeping, soldier. Not with all the bed-making you'll be doing. Zapp: The alien mothership is in orbit here. If we can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate. Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. On my command, all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage. Fry: W-Wouldn't it make more sense to send the robots in first a- Bender: Sir, I volunteer for a suicide mission. Aw, cut it out! Zapp: You're a brave robot, son. But when I'm in command every mission's a suicide mission. Which reminds me. Leela, perhaps before we head into battle you'd like to make love to me, in case one of us doesn't come back. Leela: Maybe we should wait till afterwards, in case neither of us comes back. Zapp: Here's hoping. Fry: I'm gonna be a science-fiction hero, just like Uhura, or Captain Janeway, or Xena! Leela: Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life. Can't you tell the difference? Fry: Sure, I just like TV better. Leela: Bender, damage report. Bender: The auxiliary power's out, and they spilled my cocktail. Fry: Alright, scumwads. This one's for Bender's cocktail! Leela: We did it! We won! Bender: Yeah, but it'll never bring back my martini. Well, who wants a martini? Zapp: Good work, everyone. The mothership is destroyed. Zapp: What the hell is that thing? Kif: It appears to be the mothership. Zapp: Then what did we just blow up? Kif: The Hubble Telescope. Zapp: Stop exploding, you cowards! Leela: This is hopeless. If we're gonna get blown to bits, we might as well do it in the comfort of our own home. Farnsworth: You'll be the captain, you'll be the delivery boy, and you'll be the alcoholic, foul-mouthed- Oh, God, you're alive. I mean, thank God you're alive! Sorry, check back in three days, a week at the most. Lrrr: We want McNeal! Stop stalling! Linda: And now a rebuttal from President McNeal. Mcneal: The people of Earth remain united in my refusal to hand over myself. Total annihilation is a small price to pay compared with- Zapp: Here he is! Come and get him! Lrrr: You are not McNeal. Zapp: Huh? Mcneal: Huh? Nd-Nd: You are not the one we want. Mcneal: Oh, thank you. Thank you, glorious masters! I- Lrrr: Give us McNeal! Zapp: That was McNeal. Nd-Nd: No, McNeal, the single female lawyer. Lrrr: She wears miniskirts and is promiscuous. Zapp: Really? Fry: Miniskirts? That sounds familiar. Lrrr: Surely you know McNeal. She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world. Zapp: Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent. Lrrr: Silence! We will accept no more decoys. This is the McNeal. Fry: Wait, I know her. Leela: You do not, you big fat liar. You don't know anyone. All you do is watch TV. Fry: That's where I know her from. She's Jenny McNeal. She was a character on a TV show back in the 20th century, Single Female Lawyer. Bender: Well if they're hoping to see a TV show that hasn't existed for a thousand years, pft, they are royally boned. Lrrr: We will raise your planet's temperature by one million degrees a day, for five days, unless we see McNeal at 9pm tomorrow - 8 central! Farnsworth: I'm beginning to think there'll be no forced mating at all. Leela: They're going to destroy the entire Earth if they don't see some stupid TV show about some bimbo lawyer? Fry: It's crazy! How could they even know about a show from a thousand years ago? Farnsworth: Well, Omicron Persei 8 is about a thousand light years away. So the electro-magnetic waves would just recently have gotten there. You see- Fry: Magic. Got it. Amy: Check this out Back in 1999 the season finale of Single Female Lawyer was interrupted by technical problems. Apparently some zidiot spilled Coke on the transmitter. Fry: Beer- I would think. Bender: They must just wanna see that episode. Let's find a tape and give it to 'em. Amy: There aren't any copies left. Farnsworth: No, there wouldn't be. Most videotapes from that era were damaged in 2443 during the Second Coming of Jesus. Fry: Y'know, I saw the first 30 seconds of that episode. If I could make up an ending, maybe we could act it out ourselves. Zoidberg: I could make the costumes. Farnsworth: I have an old five-megawatt broadcasting tower in the attic. Bender: And I, I could be an acting coach! Fry: Let's put on a show. Fry: OK, Leela, you'll be starring as Jenny- Leela: Uh-uh, forget it. A, I'm camera shy; and B, I get tongue tied in front of an audience armed with death rays. Amy: Plus, you don't really have the thighs for a miniskirt. Leela: Gimme the script. Fry: Places, everyone. Amy: OK ... all set! Fry: Lights! Camera one! Camera two! Camera three! Lrrr: Prepare the water cooler, that we may gather around it later and discuss things. Bender: Single Female Lawyer, Fighting for her client, Wearing sexy miniskirts, Bender: And being self-reliant. (talking) Hey, I'm pretty good! Farnsworth: Uh ... ... Jenny McNeal, you are charged with jury-tampering in last week's case ... ... on account of your hot, naked affair with the foreman. How do you plead? Leela: Your Honour, I move for a mistrial, on the grounds that I'm also having a hot, naked affair with the foreman of this jury. Hermes: I'll see you during the recess! Lrrr: If McNeal wishes to be taken seriously why does she not simply tear the judge's head off? Nd-Nd: It is true what they say; "Women are from Omicron Persei 7, men are from Omicron Persei 9". Farnsworth: Your witness, Prosecutor Ramirez. Zoidberg: Gracias. Single Female Lawyer, where were you on the night of August 23rd? Leela: Sleeping with you. Zoidberg: Aha! Leela: Uh, g- uh, getting back to the, uh, matter, uh-uh, if it please the court... Fry, there's nothing else here. You only wrote two pages of dialogue. Fry: Well, it took an hour to write. I thought it would take an hour to read. Leela: What are we supposed to do now? Fry: I don't know, I don't know. Just say anything. As long as it's compelling, mesmerising, a tour de force. Leela: Uh... Farnsworth: What say you, Single Female Lawyer? Leela: I say ... I'm giving up the law. And I'm giving up being single. Your Honour, will you marry me? Fry: No, no! Go to commercial! Bender: We'll be back after this word from Crazy Bender's Discount Stereo. Fry: Married? Jenny can't get married. Leela: Why not? It's clever, it's unexpected. Fry: But that's not why people watch TV. Clever things make people feel stupid, and unexpected things make them feel scared. Lrrr: Attention, McNeal. Your unexpected marriage plan scares us. You stole our hearts as a single female lawyer, and so shall you remain - or else! Fry: You see? TV audiences don't want anything original. They wanna see the same thing they've seen a thousand times before. Bender: Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Fry? Fry: Trust me on this. While other people were out living their lives, I wasted mine watching TV, because deep down I knew it might one day help me save the world. Plus, I would have lost my Workman's Comp if I had gone outside. Now just read these cue cards. Fry: And action! Farnsworth: Miss McNeal, I'm afraid I must decline your offer of marriage. For, you see, I'm dying. Cough, then fall over dead. Zoidberg: My God, he's dead. Leela: I will now make my closing statement. With my fiancé deceased ... ... I hereby return to my single female lawyer career. No matter what any man says. Hermes: We find the defendant vulnerable yet spunky! Zoidberg: Hooray! Amy: Hooray! Fry: And ... cut! Bender: Single Female Lawyer, Having lot's of sex- (talking) Huh? Lrrr: Attention, McNeal. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall I would rate it a C+, OK, not great. As a result, we will not destroy your planet. But neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality. Fry: Way to overact ,Zoidberg! Lrrr: And now we must return to our planet, to catch the end of a thousand-year-old Leno monologue. Bender: You did it, Fry! Fry: Yep. It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows At the end of the episode, everything's always right back to normal.

Calculon: Honey unit, I'm home. Monique! Monique: Calculon! Calculon: Oh, how I wish I could believe that. You may be my evil half-brother, but there's no law against murdering the other half. Announcer #1: All My Circuits will be right back after this word from... Announcer #2: Slurm! It's highly addictive! Trixie: Look! It's Slurms MacKenzie! Dixie: He's the original party worm! Slurms: Whimmy-wham-wham-wazzle! Let's party! Bender: Look at that worm go. Who says there are no more heroes? Slurms: Hey, dudes, you can win a chance to party with me, Slurms MacKenzie, at the Slurm bottling plant on planet Wormulon! Announcer #2: Just look for the winning bottle-cap inside specially-marked cans of Slurm. Trixie: I won! Announcer #2: No purchase necessary unless you wish to enter the contest. Odds of winning mathematically insignificant. Fry: I like those odds. Rats. Just another tooth. Fry: I gotta find that golden bottle-cap. Leela: I've never seen anyone so addicted to Slurm. Fry: This is nothing. Back in high school I used to drink a hundred cans of cola a week. Right up until my third heart attack. Leela: Bender, what's wrong? Bender: I'm sick. Leela: You poor baby. Let me check if you have a fever. Ow! Farnsworth: According to Bender's temperature gauge, which I suggest you use next time, Leela, he's running a fever of ... 900 degrees. Hermes: Bender, mon, lie yourself down. You're payin' for that! Zoidberg: I'll have a look, but I remind you, I'm an expert on humans not robots. Fry: I'm not Bender, I'm Fry. Zoidberg: Really? I though you were the robot. Fry: Nope. Human. Zoidberg: Alright, alright, spare me your life story. Now what seems to be the trouble? Bender: My tummy hurts and I've been having this burning electrical discharge. Zoidberg: Hmm. Don't worry, you'll be fine. Oh boy. I didn't have the heart to tell him It's fin fungus. He'll be floating upside-down by morning. Amy: You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender. Take some zinc. Bender: I'm 40% zinc. Amy: Then take some Echinacea or a St. John's wort. Farnsworth: Or a big fat placebo. It's all the same crap. Leela: Hey, what's rattling around in there? Farnsworth: It may well be the cause of Bender's illness. But more importantly, it's a flimsy pretext to try out my latest invention. To the laboratory! Farnsworth: I call this the F-ray. It's like an X-ray only it allows you to see through anything, even metal. Now, the neutrino beam it emits is a tad dangerous, so you'll all need protective goggles. You may feel a slight stinging sensation - all of you! Aha! There's the cause of your illness. Amy: Hey, that's my watch! Bender: I was wondering where I put that. Hey, now I feel much better! Thanks, Professor. And, Amy, I'm sorry I took your watch. Farnsworth: Well, I've got to go take this suit to the decontaminators. You two lock up the F-ray and for the love of God don't let it fall into the wrong hands. Bender: What should we point it at first? Fry: I 'unno. Try it on me. Ow! My sperm! Bender: Wow, neat! Mind if I try that again? Fry: Huh, didn't hurt that time. Bender: Whoa, mama! Hold still, sexy lady. Fry: What's wrong? Bender: That's no lady! "Fembot": Damn Chico! One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle! Why you so stupid, stupid? Bender: Hey, bite my shiny metal ass! "Fembot": You couldn't afford it, honey. Fry: All this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty. Ah, if only there was some way of knowing which can had the winning bottle-cap inside. Bender: Huh, w-what? I didn't hear you. I was too busy using this F-ray to look inside of things. Fry: Wait a second. I'm getting an idea. N-No, false alarm. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Wait. No. Yeah. Yeah. No ... no. Yes! Bender: Ah, this thing stinks. Fry: We checked 90,000 cans of Slurm and all we won was this junk. I never wanna see another can of Slurm again. Man, am I thirsty. Leela: Fry, are you alright? Bender: You did it, Fry! You found the winning bottle-cap! We won! Fry: Hooray! Leela: Ooh, look at that! Bender: Hey! Glurmo: Welcome to the planet Wormulon. I'm Glurmo, your golly-rific guide to the splend-tacular Slurm factory. Fry: Uh-huh. Can we have our free Slurm now? Glurmo: You'll have all the Slurm you can drink later on when you're partying with my good friend, Slurms MacKenzie. Slurms: Alright! Whimmy-wham-wham-wazzle! Lay some skin on me, dudes! Bender: Wow! The original party worm! Are you ready to get down, get funky with us? Glurmo: He'd better be, that's what we pay him for. Right, Slurms? Slurms: Right! Glurmo: In fact, Slurms has to party all night, every night, or he's fired! Slurms: Rock on! Glurmo: But before the party, you're all in for a fun-derful treat A VIP tour of the Slurm factory! Slurms: Enjoy the tour, dudes! I'm gonna go lie down. Glurmo: Welcome, my friends, to the wondrous world of whimsy that we like to call "Slurms Centralised Industrial Fabrication Unit". Farnsworth: Oh, my! Bender: Look! Flowers! And a boat! Farnsworth: Who are those horrible orange creatures over there? Glurmo: Why, those are the Grunka Lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory. Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them. Glurmo: As we sail down the river of Slurm you'll see our mix-ologists at work. They take 900 of the finest ingredients, add a touch of child-like delight and mix it all with glacial spring water from our glacial spring water generator. Then, last of all, we add the secret ingredient that makes Slurm so deliciously addictive. Fry: So, what's the secret ingredient? Glurmo: It's whatever your imagination wants it to be. Fry: Oh. But what is it really? Glurmo: That's not for you to know. Now, over here the Grunka Lunkas are inducing Wumpus berries to release their flavour, using sensual massage. Bender: Psst, those berries. Those are the secret ingredient, right? Glurmo: No. Bender: You positive? Glurmo: Yes. Bender: I'm just asking cause they look kind of secret. Glurmo: Enough! There will be no further questions. Fry: Why? Leela: Hey, look! The disgusting little men are starting to sing. Grunka Lunkas: Grunka Lunka dunkity-do, We've got a friendly warning for you, Grunka Lunka dunkity-dasis, The secret of Slurm's on a need-to-know basis. Grunka Lunka #1: Asking questions in school is a great way to learn. Grunka Lunka #2: If you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke. Grunka Lunka #1: We once found a dead guy face down in the Slurm. Grunka Lunka #2: It could easily happen again to you folks. Grunka Lunkas: So keep you head down, And keep your mouth shut, Grunka Lunka lunka dunkity dot! Glurmo: Hey, I don't pay you to sing! You just used up today's bathroom break! Grunka Lunka #2: Hard ass. Glurmo: I heard that! Glurmo: Now, on your right, you'll see the Slurm Master checking the Slurm for colour and bouquet. Fry: So thirsty. Glurmo: Then he tastes it. He tastes it and tastes it, then tastes it some more. Fry: Uh, could I have some Slurm, please? Glurmo: No food or drink allowed on the tour. You'll have to wait until you're partying with Slurms MacKenzie. Fry: When will that be? Glurmo: Soon enough. Fry: That's not soon enough. Leela: Hey, what's behind that door? Glurmo: Nothing. Leela: Is it the secret ingredient? Grunka Lunkas: Grunka Lunka dunkity dingredient, You should not ask about the secret ingredient. Bender: OK, OK, we get the point. Leela: I was just curious because of the armed guards. Grunka Lunkas: Grunka Lunka dunkity darmed guards- Bender: Shut the hell up! Hermes: So you're telling me I could fire my whole staff and hire Grunka Lunkas at half the cost? Glurmo: That's right. They think they have a good union but they don't. They're basically slaves. Leela: What are you doing? Fry: I'm dying of thirst. Grab my feet and dunk my head in so I can drink. Leela: No. That's moronic. Fry: Fine. I'll let go and swim around in the Slurm and drink as much as I want. Help! I can't swim! Leela: Bender, why did you jump in? Bender: Everybody was doing it. I just wanted to be popular. Bender: Ow! Leela: Where are we? Bender: And why is the Slurm pouring into this sewer? Fry: This isn't Slurm at all! Leela: Something's rotten on the planet Wormulon. Look at this. Leela: This all must have something to do with the secret ingredient. Fry: My God. What if the secret ingredient ... is people? Leela: No. There's already a soda like that Soylent Cola. Fry: Oh. How is it? Leela: It varies from person to person. Farnsworth: Ooh! Zoidberg: Do you have any that aren't so tight around the thorax? Glurmo: Yes, over in- Say, weren't there more people in your group at the start of the tour? Amy: Hey, yeah. Fry, Leela and Bender are missing. Glurmo: If you'll excuse me. Leela: Quick. Fry: Look! Slurm! Finally! Oh, yeah! I'm never going 12 minutes without a Slurm again. Leela: It's the end of the line. This must be where they put in the secret ingredient. Fry: Well, whatever it is, it's even better fresh. Mmm, still warm. Fry: Ew! Leela: Blech! Bender: Oh, Lordy! Leela: Fry! Fry! Fry: That's the secret ingredient of Slurm? Leela: That's the only ingredient of Slurm. Fry: Ew! Bender: I'll save us! Oh, that feels good! Fry: Thanks, Bender! Leela: The exit! We made it. Bender: Uh, Your Majesty, I brought the prisoners. Glurmo: Well, my curious friends, you learned the secret of Slurm. That concludes the portion of the tour where you stay alive. Leela: You wish, you slimy worm! Hi-yah! Slurm Queen: Good work, Glurmo. You have pleased your queen. Small Glurmo #2: Thank you, Your Majesty. Small Glurmo #1: Thanks, ma'am. Leela: How can you trick people into drinking something that comes out of your behind? It's disgusting. Slurm Queen: Is it? Honey comes from a bee's behind. Milk comes from a cow's behind. And have you ever used toothpaste? Fry: Whose behind does that come from? Slurm Queen: You don't wanna know. Bender: Look, we just came to party with Slurms MacKenzie. By the way, when is that scheduled? Slurm Queen: Never! To the torture cave! Slurm Queen: You, my metal friend, will have the honour of becoming 174 Slurm cans. Bender: Ah, this trip is turning into a big letdown. Slurm Queen: As for you, you will be submerged in Royal Slurm which, in a matter of minutes, will transform you into a Slurm Queen like myself. Small Glurmo #1: But, Your Highness, she's a commoner. Her Slurm will taste foul. Slurm Queen: Yes! Which is why we'll market it as New Slurm. Then, when everyone hates it, we'll bring back Slurm Classic, and make billions! Fry: What about me? Slurm Queen: You are free to go. Fry: Yes! Slurm Queen: If you can resist this concentrated super Slurm! It's so delicious, you'll eat until you explode! Oh, which reminds me, put a tarp over that sofa, will you? Bon appétit! Fry: Mmm! Slurm Queen: Farewell! Oh, and congratulations again on winning the contest. Leela: Fry, untie us, quick! Fry: Here I come. Let me just- One more taste. Leela: You pig. Stop stuffing your craw and save us. Bender: I can't see what's happening. Are we boned? Leela: Yeah, we're boned. Fry: I can't stop eating this delicious ooze. But I'm not gonna let you die. Leela: Hurry! Bender: What's happening? Just in time! Fry: Nooo! I could fit if I didn't have these damn arms! Leela: We're close to the exit. I can smell those filthy orange guys. Slurms: Stop right there! Bender: Slurms MacKenzie? Slurms: Shh! I want you to take me with you. Fry: Say what? Slurms: I'm partied out. All I want is to stay home and rent videos and watch them with a few friends. Is that so much to ask? Bender: Forget it, pal. It says on this bottle-cap you have to party with us. Slurms: Alright, when we get to Earth. But please don't invite too many people, I wanna keep it small. Bender: No can do, Slurms! Slurms: This way! Leela: She's gaining on us. Slurms: Go on without me, I'll hold her off. Fry: But she'll crush you like a worm ... crushing a smaller worm. Slurms: It's alright. I'm so tired of partying. So very tired. I'll save you the only way I know how By partying! Babes. Dixie: Yes, Mr. MacKenzie? Slurms: You've served me well these 40 years, but this time I've got to party alone. Trixie: But- Slurms: There'll be other parties for you. Now go. Go! Bender: Party on, Slurms! Slurms: Party on, contest winners. Party on. Slurm Queen: No! We're ruined! They know our disgusting secret! Farnsworth: Commissioner, my crew has made a horrific discovery It seems that Slurm is produced in a colossal worm hiney! Commissioner: Hmm, "hiney", you say? Why, with your testimony we'll finally be able to outlaw this insidious Slurm. Fry: Outlaw Slurm? Uh, don't pay any attention to him, sir... Fry: Grandpa's making up crazy stories again. Farnsworth: I'm not your grandpa, you're my uncle! From the year 2000! Commissioner: OK, grandpa, we'll take care of the "bad worms", don't you worry. Fry: Ah, I just wish Slurms MacKenzie were here to enjoy this with me. Bender: Yeah, that Slurms sure loved to party. Whattya say we all party one last time for him? Leela: For Slurms! Amy: For Slurms! Bender: For Slurms! Farnsworth: For Slurms! Fry: For Slurms! Zoidberg: Whammy-wazzle! Bender: Hey, that's not that bad. Fry: Mmm!

Announcer: Futurama is brought to you by ... ... Glagnar's Human Rinds. It's a buncha muncha cruncha human! Leela: Aww! Somebody likes snouts. Fry: Is it me? Bender: Ow, my head! My precious head! Stupid can opener. You killed my father and now you've come back for me! Fry: You alright, Bender? Bender: Yeah, I guess so. But I don't see why we keep this ticking time-bomb around just for that dumb animal. Leela: Don't yell at Nibbler like that. You hurt his feelings. Come on, pet him and make up. Bender: No. Leela: I said pet him. Bender: I'll pet him. I'll pet him with both hands! Ow! My ass! Get off! Leela: Are you alright? Bender: Ah, it's nothing a lawsuit won't cure. Leela: Not you. Aww, poor baby chipped a fang. Bender: Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't see anyone kissing it. Zoidberg: Alright, I'm coming. Jeffery: Remember, Rover gets the pill and Pepper gets the suppository. Next. Jeffery: It's just a simple broken fang, nothing serious. Bender: What's that you say there, doctor? You're gonna have to put him down? Jeffery: No- What? Huh? Bender: Terrible shame that. Shall I do the honours? Leela: No! Bender: You about done? Leela: Next time I'm keeping it. Jeffery: OK, well I believe I have a replacement fang for your pet in the next room. The jaguar didn't wanna cooperate but luckily he knocked one of my teeth out. Now then. Fry: Hey, what are these rings in Nibbler's fang? Jeffery: Um, I'm still a little woozy from a gazelle kick this morning but if he's anything like the common tree, the rings might indicate his age. Fry: Yeah, well, good luck. It'd take some kind of genius to count all those rings. Jeffery: He's five. Farnsworth: Happy birthday, young Nibbler. Leela: Aww, look how cuddly he looks in his new cape! Bender: I'd be cuddly too if someone gave me a new cape. Fry: Who's playing pin the tail on the moon maggot? Bender: Ooh, me! Everyone watch how good I am. And the crowd goes wild! What prize do I get? Cash? Amy: Hey, look at Nibbler! Hermes: Aww, he's holding a spoon. Zoidberg: He's so talented! Bender: You call that talent? Gather round old Bender and get ready for the show of a lifetime. Ta-da! Hermes: Now he's wearing a hat! Leela: Come on, let's all sing Happy Birthday! All: What day is today? It's Nibbler's birthday, What a day for a birthday, Let's all have some cake. Fry: And you smell like one too! Bender: Hey, what about this? Leela: Bender, I thought you were supposed to be cooking for this party. Bender: Fine, we'll have rack of Nibbler. Leela: Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of it, make sure you put them in after you cook it. Bender: So it's a cake you want, is it? I'll make you a cake you'll never forget. Bender: That'll take care of those annoying rats. Now, to bake a cake so delicious they'll have no choice but to love and worship me. Bender: There! This'll teach those filthy bastards who's lovable. Now all I have to do is spell check it and it's ready for my admiring public. No! Get away from there! That's it. Bender: Happy birthday! Leela: Bender, what's going- No! Bender: Hey! Can't you see I'm using the toilet? Amy: Bender! How could you flush Nibbler down the toilet? Bender: Well, step one, I had to lift the seat. That was the first little annoyance. Am I right, men? Leela: Aren't you upset at all? How would you feel if I flushed Fry down the toilet? Bender: Only one way to find out. Leela: You have no sympathy for anyone else's feelings. Bender: Of course I do. Right now I feel sorry for you. Leela: You do? Bender: Yeah. I mean, one cantaloupe-sized bloodshot eye? You ain't winning no beauty pageants, lady. Farnsworth: And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place where I too hope one day to go The toilet. Leela: I wouldn't feel so bad if Bender just understood the pain he caused me. Calculon: Give it to me straight, doctor, don't sugarcoat it. Doctorbot: Very well. Your entire family died when a plane piloted by your fiancée crashed into your uninsured home. And you have inoperable cancer. Bender: Bet you weren't expecting that one, Calculon! Amy: It's like he doesn't understand simple humanoid emotion. Leela: I wish just once Bender could feel exactly what I feel. Farnsworth: Actually, through the miracle of science, that can be arranged. Fry: Uh-oh. Is this gonna be another crazy experiment that crosses a line Man was not meant to cross? Linda: The official death toll in that tragic rocket crash has now been raised to 54,000. Bender: Hey, what the hell are you doing with my head? Farnsworth: I need to tinker in it. Bender: Why don't you just use a potted plant like Fry? Farnsworth: Quiet, you. I'm installing an empathy chip. Fry: And that'll allow Bender to feel other people's emotions? Farnsworth: Yes. If by "allow" you mean "force". Bender: Ooh! Ow! Son of a- Careful with that! Ow... Farnsworth: Oh, dear. Oh, my. I got it. Once more. Bender: Ow! Professor! Farnsworth: Steady now. Bender: Ow! Farnsworth: There we go. Now I'll simply tune it to Leela's emotional frequency. Bender: My God! I'm overcome with ... feelings. I'm experiencing a powerful yearning to ... to cram my gullet full of mackerel heads. Zoidberg: That's me, baby! Farnsworth: Hmm. Bender: Now I'm worried that I'm not as smart as Leela, but at the same time I feel relieved that I'm cuter than her. Amy: Uh ... that's me. Fry: Thanks for covering. Bender: This time I miss Nibbler and I'm feeling nosy and opinionated. Amy: Bingo! Hermes: That's Leela! Leela: Thank you, Professor. I'm happy that Bender can finally feel my pain. Bender: Happy. I like this feeling. Just don't revert to your usual mopey self. Leela: I'm not mopey. You shut up! Bender: Anger, huh? How dare you make me feel anger, you one-eyed jerk with a dead pet! Leela: Thanks for taking me out, Amy. I feel slightly less miserable already. Amy: Hey, you know what'd cheer you up? You should get a puppy. Leela: A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies. Fry: What's your problem? Bender: I miss Nibbler. Fry: You do? Bender: Hell, no! It's Leela's stupid feelings. Why can't she just drink herself happy like a normal person? Bender: Uh-oh, jealousy. You think you're so hot! Fry: What? Bender: The only reason you get all the guys is because you dress like a tramp! Fry: They're just responding to my personality. Amy: Um, Leela? Armando and I are going to the back seat of his car for coffee. You gonna be alright here by yourself? Leela: Sure. I'm having a great time - really. You two go enjoy yourselves. Bender: I'm so lonely. I'm gonna go eat a bucket of ice cream. A bucket of- Fry: The spoon's in the foot powder. Bender: I'm at the end of my rope. I can't live another minute without poor, sweet Nibbler. Fry: Too bad he wasn't an alligator. Y'know, when you flush those things, they stay alive in the sewers. Bender: Really? Fry: Yep. My friend's cousin's caseworker saw one once. It's a widely-believed fact. Bender: Hmm, sewers. Thinking, thinking, thinking. Bender: Hang on, Nibbler. Uncle Bender's coming to save you. Damn, it's too small. What did those human design this for anyway? Aha! Bender, one; toilet, zero! See you on the other side! Fry: Bender? Bender? Fry: Have you seen my sombrero? Leela: Now he's flushed himself down the toilet? Who's he gonna flush next? Fry: Hey, it's your fault. He only flushed himself because your emotions made him feel bad. Leela: You're right. I feel terrible. Fry: Oh, great, now you're making him feel worse! Leela: I guess we'd better go down into the sewers and look for him. Amy: Are you crazy? There's mutants down there! They'll eat you alive. Zoidberg: They're hideous! Leela: There's no such thing as mutants. That's a ridiculous urban myth. Farnsworth: Oh, don't be so sure. Many scientists believe humans really could mutate down there. Uh, due to exposure to toxic waste and radioactive run-off and good old American faeces! Fry: God bless America. Fry: Phew! Uh, ladies first. Fry: Oh, and the aftertaste! Leela: What is it? Fry: I burned my finger. Leela: OK, check the guidebook. Fry: Looks like we're under Park Avenue. Ooh, ritzy! Just think All this was probably once a charity luncheon for the Met. Leela: Wait, what's that? Bender: I never should have thrown out the manual. Leela: Bender, you didn't have to come down here. Bender: I know. But I just missed Nibbler so much. Leela: He was so cute. Bender: He was so sweet. Fry: Eck! This emotional display is making me nauseous. Or maybe it's whatever that is. Leela: Nibbler? Bender: Nibbler? Leela: It's no use. We'd better turn back. Which way, Fry? Fry: Hmm. According to this map, the only way out is through ... that pipe. Don't worry. It gets wider after about a mile. Leela: Idiot. Bender: Idiot. Fry: OK, OK, never mind. I'll just ask those people for directions. Leela: Mutants! Leela: Mutants! They're real! Fry: I'll take care of this! Back! Back! Vyolet: Thanks, handsome. Dwayne: Please, do not be frightened, we're harmless. Raoul: I have three arms. Dwayne: I said "harmless" not "armless". Vyolet: Lay off him. You know he's only got one ear. Fry: Hey, aren't you supposed to be eating our brains? You're mutants. Dwayne: Mutants? Perhaps it is you who are the mutants. Vyolet: Please, Dwayne, have you looked in a mirror lately? Raoul: Welcome to our village. It may not be Paris but it has a certain quaint charm that I, for one, wouldn't trade for the world. Bender: You guys realise you live in a sewer, right? Dwayne: Perhaps. But perhaps your civilisation is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you. Leela: No, we're on the top. Fry: Daylight and everything. Vyolet: It must be wonderful. Bender: Eh. Leela: Listen. We actually came down here to find our pet, Nibbler. He got flushed down the toilet. Raoul: Well if he got flushed down the toilet he probably came through here. Everything always does. Follow me. All that is ours was once flushed down your toilets. Over there is our aquarium. This is our library. Bender: Nothing but crumpled porno and Ayn Rand. Raoul: And over here is our church. Fry: Wow. You guys worship an unexploded nuclear bomb? Vyolet: Yeah, but nobody's that observant. It's mainly a Christmas and Easter thing. Leela: Nibbler? Bender: Come to Daddy, sweetie-ookums. Fry: So, is it true that alligators flushed down the toilet survive down here? Vyolet: No. That's just an urban legend. Bender: Then what are those? Vyolet: Crocodiles. Raoul: We keep them as pets. Then, when they grow too large, we flush them down into the sub-sewer. Dwayne: Some say there's a freakish race of sub-mutants down there. Vyolet: Please, that's just a sub-urban legend. Dwayne: Oh? Then I suppose you also don't believe in ... ... El Chupanibre. Leela: El Chupanibre? What's that? Dwayne: Gather round, children, for the legend of El Chupanibre. (singing) He creeps and crawls in the midnight hush, Silent as a low-flow toilet flush, Watch your step, 'Cause sooner or later, He'll eat you whole, And half your alligator. Vyolet: Crocodile. Dwayne: Whatever. Leela: Wait. Our pet Nibbler loves fresh crocodile. It's his favourite treat. He must be El Chupanibre. Bender: Hey, yeah! Raoul: You unleashed the dreaded El Chupanibre upon us? Then you are our sworn enemies. Leela: You don't understand. He would never hurt people. Let us help you capture him. Dwayne: Impossible. If the legend is true, our only hope is to offer him a snack-rifice. Raoul: Yes. An unspoiled virgin. Leela: I volunteer. Vyolet: Nice try, Leela, but we've all seen Zapp Brannigan's webpage. Bender: Oh, I made myself feel bad. Raoul: She'll have to do. Chain her to the post! And rip her shirt a little. Behold. When El Chupanibre comes for the, uh, "virgin", he will be snared by this rope trap. Dwayne: Shh. El Chupanibre comes soon. It is nightfall. Leela: Nightfall? How can you tell down here? Dwayne: The tide is coming in. Vyolet: Quiet! The beast approaches. Bender: Nibbler! Aw, come here, precious! Look, everyone, it's El Chupanibre. Dwayne: That's not El Chupanibre. Bender: Say what? Dwayne: That's El Chupanibre. Fry: I'll take care of this. Leela: Bender, do something. Bender: I'm too scared. Fry: Leela, your scaredness is being transmitted straight to Bender. If you care about Nibbler, stop caring about him! Leela: I can't. I love every living creature. Fry: Even me? Leela: As a friend. Fry: Damn. Bender: Listen to me, Leela I'm an expert at not caring. The secret is to stop giving a rat's ass about anyone else and start thinking of the things that you want, that you deserve, that the world owes you. Leela: Well, I could use a new tank top. Bender: Bigger! Bigger! Leela: A fashionable tank top. And designer boots ... encrusted with jewels. Bender: Don't stop now, you'll need some pants to go with that outfit. Leela: Yeah. And I could afford it all if I didn't have to feed that stupid Nibbler. Bender: Bender is back. I'll save you, Nibbler. Fry: Bender's gonna be killed! Leela: You know what else I could use? A weekend at one of those fancy spas. And a Toblerone. Fry: Yeah! Leela: You did it! Raoul: Let's have a tissue-tape parade! Bender: No, thanks! Dwayne: Gather round, children, to hear the legend of Bender. (singing) He came from above with a- (talking) It's gonna be many a year before someone flushes another guitar string. Farnsworth: That was a disgusting story. Leela: And it's all thanks to Bender. I love you, Bender. Bender: I love you too. Get that stupid chip out of me before I kill myself! Farnsworth: Bender, you won't believe this, but the empathy chip burned out. The emotion you felt for Nibbler was actually your own. Fry: Looks like Bender learned an important lesson about respecting other people's feelings afterall. Farnsworth: No, I'm wrong. The empathy chip was running at triple capacity. Bender: And I still barely felt anything. Goodnight, losers! Leela: You know, Bender may not have learned anything from me, but I think I actually learned something from him. So long, jerkwads! Farnsworth: So long!

Fry: Hmm. Horsey to pointy guy six. Check. Bender: Hmm. Get him, boys! Fry: Good move. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. We have a mission to further the noble cause of intergalactic peace. Bender: Nope. Watching cartoons. Fry: Sorry. Leela: What's the mission? Farnsworth: It's a delivery for the Democratic Order Of Planets. Fry: DOOP? What's that? Farnsworth: It's similar to the United Nations from your time, Fry. Fry: Uh... Hermes: Or like the Federation from your Star Trek programme. Fry: Oh! Farnsworth: Tonight is the ribbon-cutting for the DOOP's new headquarters. Leela: What are we delivering? Farnsworth: Something without which no ribbon-cutting ceremony could proceed. The ceremonial oversized scissors. Leela: We'll get them there as quickly as we can. Farnsworth: Alright, but don't run with them. Fry: Wow! There's a million aliens. I've never seen anything so mind-blowing. Ooh, a reception table with muffins! Glab: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the ribbon-cutting ceremony of the DOOP's magnificent new headquarters. A fitting home for an organisation that has fostered peace throughout the universe. Even between the Insectoids and the Space Lizards. Fry: So, what's it like on planet Amazonia? Amazonian: Big rats there. Me crush with club. Fry: That's so interesting. Maybe we could get to know each other over a coffee. Glab: I can think of no better place for this centre of diplomacy than here in orbit around the Neutral Planet. What are your thoughts on this momentous occasion, Your Neutralness? Neutral President: I have no strong feelings one way or the other. Zapp: I hate these filthy Neutrals, Kif. With enemies you know where they stand but with Neutrals, who knows? It sickens me. Halt. Why, Leela, I do believe we've met. Bender: He means you guys did it. Leela: If you don't mind, we're here to deliver the scissors for the ribbon-cutting. Zapp: Then you're under arrest. Leela: What for? Zapp: How do I know these scissors aren't part of some Neutral plot? Leela: But they're not even sharp. Who could I possibly hurt with them? Zapp: The Yarn People of Nylar 4? So, a plan to assassinate a weird-looking alien with scissors. How very Neutral of you. Leela: What? Zapp: It was almost the perfect crime, but you forgot one thing Rock crushes scissors ... but paper covers rock ... and scissors cut paper. Kif, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper, and bring me a rock. Kif: Why? Zapp: So beautiful, yet so neutral. Drag them to the ship. Glab: And now, to cut the ribbon, the legendary DOOP captain who just returned from a triumphant carpet-bombing of Eden 7, Zapp Brannigan. Zapp: What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality? Kif: Um, sir, you're supposed to be cutting the ribbon right now. Zapp: No matter. I'll simply cut it from here with the ship's laser. Kif: Sir, I don't think that's wise. Zapp: Kif, if there's one thing I don't need it's your I-don't-think-that's-wise attitude. Zapp: Whoopsie-daisy! Glab: Zapp Brannigan, you stand accused of blowing up DOOP headquarters. How do you plead? Zapp: Absolutely 99% not guilty. Glab: Then the prosecutor will call his first witness. Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, I'm just a simple Hyper-Chicken from a backwoods asteroid but if it please the court I reckon I'll call the entire jury. Glab: I'm going to allow this. Hyper-Chicken: Members of the jury ... ... did y'all happen to catch a gander at who blew up that there DOOP headquarters? Juror #1: That's the guy, right there. Juror #2: Oh, yeah, right there. Small Glurmo #1: That one. Hyper-Chicken: And are y'all gonna vote to convict him? Neptunian: You'd better believe it. Juror #1: You bet. Glab: The jury is instructed to disregard its own testimony. Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, the prosecution rests. Glab: The evidence against Zapp Brannigan is strong. However, in light of his years of service, and the incompetence of this hillbilly prosecutor, I'm afraid I must dismiss all charges. Leela: Dismiss all charges? Your Honour, I know the case is closed and you've rendered your verdict, but I wanna testify. Glab: I'm going to allow this. Hyper-Chicken: Now, Miss Leela, on the date in question, were you or were you not wearing a hoop skirt? Leela: That's a stupid question. What matters is Zapp Brannigan is the sorriest captain I've ever seen, and I saw the idiot blow up DOOP headquarters with my own eye. Zapp: I'd like to cross-examine the witness. Glab: I'm going to allow this. Zapp: We've met before have we not? Leela: Yes. Zapp: And on that occasion, did you have sex with someone? May I remind you you are still under oath. Leela: Yes. Zapp: Please point out the person in this courtroom you had sex with. And his name is? Leela: Zapp Brannigan. Zapp: The very same Zapp Brannigan who did not blow up DOOP headquarters. I rest my case. Glab: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you may begin your deliberations. Small Glurmo #1: Your Honour, we have reached a verdict. We find the defendant ... guilty. Glab: Zapp Brannigan, you are hereby stripped of your rank as captain and dismissed from the DOOP. Zapp: I'd like to make one final statement. Kif, c'mere and hold up the flag. And wave it a little, for God's sakes. My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honour. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault. Kif: What? Glab: Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank and dishonourably discharged. Zapp: One day a man has everything, the next day he blows up a $400 billion space station and the next day he has nothing. It makes you think. Kif: No, it doesn't. Zapp: Come, Kif, it's time to begin our life as civilians. That's an order, soldier. Fry: Hey, Bender? Bender: Yeah? Leela: Alright, this is the third hose fight I've broken up today and the second one using actual hoses. Now move your lazy asses and start scrubbing the ship like I ordered you to. Fry: You don't have to get so mad, Leela. Bender: Yeah, Fry already wiped off some of the dirt with his finger. Leela: Zapp? Zapp: Leela, I didn't know where else to turn. You're the only woman who ever loved me. Leela: I never loved you. Zapp: I mean physically. Leela: What do you want? Zapp: Just let me work for a little food. Perhaps I could paint a fence, or service you sexually, or mop the floors. Leela: You don't know how to do any of those things. Zapp: Kif might. Farnsworth: Leela, who are you talking to? Zapp: Just a broken-down hobo who's hit rock-bottom. And his commanding officer. Farnsworth: Why, you're that disgraced starship captain. Having him on staff will distract people from our horrendous safety record. Come in. Farnsworth: I'd like everyone to meet our new employees. Which ones are new? Hermes: The green dude and the fat man. Farnsworth: Hmm, I could swear I've never seen that robot before either. Bender: I'm Bender. You know? The lovable rascal. Farnsworth: Oh, yes, yes. My good friend, of course. Anyway, whoever you all are, I have good news. You'll be making a delivery to Stumbos 4, a planet with such high gravity you'll most likely be crushed under the weight of your own hair. Enjoy! Zapp: So, this Leela. I know she's a very sensuous woman but what manner of captain is she? Fry: She's really strict. Bender: And mean. Zapp: I see. Does she by any chance give the crewmembers spankings? Fry: No, she just makes us do work and stuff. Zapp: Good, good. But should she ever institute some sort of bare-bottom spanking policy, let me go in your place. I won't have my comrades harmed. Bender: Hey, this guy's alright! Zapp: Here's to us poor schmoes working for the man. Even if he is a hot, sexy, female man. Kif: I've computed out landing co-ordinates, Captain. Leela: Thanks, Kif. Very nice work. Kif: Wait, what? Leela: I said "very nice work". Kif: This is the happiest day of my life. Leela: OK, crew, listen up. Your job is to delivery these 40 pillows to that hotel. Bender: They're not very heavy but you don't hear me not complaining. Leela: They're not heavy in here because we have an anti-grav pump. But once you get out on the surface the gravity will be very intense. Fry: Hey, no prob', this lead apron'll protect me. Leela: I don't want any screw-ups. Use the hover-dolly and just deliver one pillow at a time. Bender: Hey, here's an idea, let's deliver all the pillows at once. Fry: Yeah! Zapp: That's using the old noodle! Zapp: Come on, girdle. Hold! Bender: Uh-oh. Leela: What the hell happened? Bender: Some breaking occurred, the dolly was involved, that's about all we know. Leela: I told you dumb apes not to overload it. Each of those pillows weighs 150lbs here. Fry: Alright, don't get your panties in a knot. We'll just use the back-up dolly. Bender: I'll start loading up the pillows. Leela: No way, Jack. You disobeyed an order, so now you have to deliver all 40 pillows by hand. Zapp: Let me ask you a serious question, Leela Does the company that made your bra make a girdle as well? I ask because a friend of mine... Leela: Just get to work. Bender: I'm Leela, get to work, neh, neh, neh. Fry: I agree. Kif: The point is, it's just so humiliating working for that man. Once, he actually ordered me to ... shave his armpits while he was in the bathtub. So, I said- Leela: Y'know, why don't we talk about something besides Zapp for a while? Kif: Oh, alright. Um ... well ... how 'bout then, um... OK, well, there he was in the tub, alright? Fry: Ah, some good old high-gravity rain. That'll cool us off. Bender: This is all Leela's fault. Fry: Yeah. If she had let us use the back-up dolly, we could have broken it, given up and gone home by now. Zapp: Y'know, boys, a good captain needs many skills, such as boldness, daring and a velour uniform. And I'm not convinced Leela has any of those things. Fry: Ah, Leela's not that bad. I just wish she didn't make us work so much. Zapp: Back when I was captain all I asked from my men was their complete loyalty. If I had that, then for all I cared they could sit around the whole day drinking beer in their underpants. Bender: Beer? Fry: Underpants? Kif: But now, Zapp's not captain anymore. I'm free! Oh, you hear that? I'm actually laughing! Fry: This is a mutiny. Bender: You're outta here, lady. Zapp's the new captain. Fry: All hail the new captain. Zapp: Leela, you might be a formidable do-er of the nasty but I am forced to relieve you of your post. Leela: On what grounds, you slobbering oaf? Zapp: Failure to prevent a mutiny. Throw her in the brig. Fry: We don't have a brig. Zapp: Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as "the brig". Leela: You really don't want me to be captain anymore? Bender: You got it, genius. Leela: But, didn't I do a good job? Fry: You were mean and you yelled and you made us do all that work. Leela: Sometimes a captain needs to do those things. Besides I, I thought we were friends. Fry: Yeah, well, you shouldn't have been such a mean captain then. Bender: Don't worry, Leela. Soon we'll be able to look back on this and laugh. Zapp: Back in my old uniform, and it nearly still fits. Even after all that fattening hobo cuisine. Kif: What shall I do with your civilian clothes, sir? Zapp: Take them to the laundry-brig. So, do I have your loyalty, men? Bender: To the ends of the universe. Fry: Ten hundred percent! Zapp: That's not nearly loyal enough. I order you to sit around and drink beer until you're as loyal as Kif here. Bender: Yes, sir, sir! Kif: Um, may I have a beer, sir? Zapp: No. You're loyal enough already. Meanwhile, I have a plan. We will single-handedly attack our archenemy the Neutral Planet. Kif: Oh, jeez. Zapp: Once the neutral war machine lies in ruins, I'll be a hero again and the DOOP will reinstate me as captain. Kif: But, sir, that plan makes no sense. Zapp: Maybe not to you, Kif, but if I recall correctly, you were court-martialled in disgrace. Fry: Ooh, burn! Bender: Nailed you, buddy! Zapp: Prepare to continue the epic struggle between good and neutral. Fry: This is awesome! We're gonna be like pow-pow-pow, and they're gonna be like ... ... and then we'll have pancakes to celebrate and I'll be like... Zapp: Precisely. Now, in the name of all that is good and honourable, we'll call the Neutral President with a message of peace, then blast him. Bender: Yes, sir, sirdy-sir-sir-sir! Zapp: Fly the white flag of war. Zapp: This is Zapp Brannigan of the good ship ... Planet Express Ship. I come swinging the olive branch of peace. Neutral President'S Aide: Should we trust him, Your Neutralness? Neutral President: All I know is my gut says maybe. Bender: What now, chief? Zapp: Now we crash the ship into their headquarters, killing them in a hellish firestorm from which no living thing can escape. Fry: Good, good, then what? Zapp: Then your mission is complete. I, meanwhile, will have ejected to safety, wearing the only spacesuit on board. Fry: Wait a second. Is this plan gonna kill us? Zapp: Of course. What do you think I meant by "loyalty"? Now help me into the only spacesuit. It looks a bit sweaty in there so you may need to apply baby powder. Fry: Leela, we want you to be captain again. Leela: Let me guess. He cancelled naptime? He ran out of beer? So he's about to kill us? Fry: We want Leela to be captain again. Zapp: So it's mutiny, is it? I never thought I'd see the day. Come, Kif, let's eject. I found a children's spacesuit you can wear. Kif: To be honest, sir, I'd rather stay here with Captain Leela. She actually listens to what I have to- Leela: Oh, no! He's disabled the steering. We're gonna crash! Bender: Leela save me ... and yourself, I guess ... and my banjo. And Fry. Leela: OK, OK. We have one chance. Are you willing to do what I say as captain? Fry: Absolutely. Leela: Even if I make you work hard? Bender: As your God is my witness. Leela: Then go get the hover-dolly you didn't break and load all the dark matter into the left engine. Bender: Oh, man, that crap's heavy. Fry: And warm. Leela: Just do it. Neutral President'S Aide: Your Neutralness, it's a beige alert. Neutral President: If I don't survive, tell my wife, "Hello". Leela: Hurry! I don't wanna die at the age of 25. Bender: Honey, unless we hit a time warp, I wouldn't worry about it. Fry: It's too low. Bender: Quick. Leela: You did it! You actually did it! Fry: And no one will have to punish anyone for the mutiny. Zapp: And so, when Captain Leela panicked, perhaps distracted by female troubles, my quick thinking allowed me to do whatever I did to save the day. Glab: Captain Leela, is this rambling story of magic and heroism true? Leela: Well, actually- Farnsworth: That a girl! If they don't take him back we can keep him as captain. Leela: Your Honour, it's all true My female incompetence, Zapp's cat-like reflexes, the stuff that made no sense, all of it. Glab: In that case, Zapp Brannigan, I hereby restore your rank and parking privileges. Farnsworth: Oh, foo! Zapp: Come, Kif, we've got work to do. Kif: I-I'll call and tell you about it. Fry: Leela, I just want you to know that even though you're mean, you're the best captain ever. Bender: Yeah, you're one dynamite lady. Can we have a week off? Leela: No. Fry: Please? Bender: Come on, Captain. Leela: Oh, alright. Farnsworth: No time off. Fry: Aw, man. Leela: Let's mutiny!

Narrator: You're entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a location. The kind of place where there might be a monster or some kind of weird mirror. These are just examples. It could also be something much better. Prepare to enter The Scary Door. As per your request, please find enclosed the last man on earth. Man: Finally, solitude. I can read books for all eternity. It's not fair! It's not fair! Wait, my eyes aren't that bad. I can still read the large print books. It's not f- Well, lucky I know how to read Braille! Hey, look at that weird mirror! Bender: Cursed by his own hubris! Leela: There's a political debate on! Quick, change the channel! Bender: Hey, that's what Fry said when we turned on the debate! Announcer: C-SPAN9 presents The Thrill Of Politics. Leela: Look, I know there are no car chases but this is important. One of these two men will become president of the world. Fry: What do we care? We live in the United States. Leela: The United States is part of the world. Fry: Wow! I have been gone a long time. Johnson: It's time someone had the courage to stand up and say "I'm against those things that everybody hates". Jackson: Now I respect my opponent. I think he's a good man but, quite frankly, I agree with everything he just said! Fry: These are the candidates? They sound like clones. Wait a minute. They are clones! Leela: Don't let their identical DNA fool you. They differ on some key issues. Johnson: I say your three cent titanium tax goes too far. Jackson: And I say your three cent titanium tax doesn't go too far enough! Fry: If I were registered to vote, I'd send these clowns a message by staying home on election day and dressing up like a clown. Leela: You're not registered? Fry: Nope. Not vaccinated either! Besides, it's not like one vote ever made a difference. Leela: That's not true; the first robot president won by exactly one vote. Bender: Ah, yes, John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a cord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree. Farnsworth: But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver. Leela: The point is, one vote can make a difference and even though it won't, I'm still taking you to get registered. Farnsworth: Yes, that's a capital idea. Let's all go register! Fry: Professor, when did you become so obsessed with voting? Farnsworth: The very instant I became old. Farnsworth: The problem with both parties is that they always want to give your tax dollars to the less fortunate. Fry: The less fortunate get all the breaks! Zoidberg: You know, Fry, you could join a third party, maybe. Amy: Only weirdos and mutants join third parties. Zoidberg: Really? I'd better keep an eye out at the next meeting. Fry: What party do you belong to, Bender? Bender: I'm not allowed to vote. Fry: 'Cause you're a robot? Bender: No, convicted felon. Woman: We favour unreasonably huge subsidies to the Brain Slug Planet. Fry: OK, but what are the Brain Slugs who control you gonna do for the working man? Woman: Attach Brain Slugs to them. Fry: Sure, you say that now! Amy: So, is it true you can make all kinds of shirts and ropes out of hemp? Stoned Guy: Dave's not here, man. Amy: I also heard hemp makes great shampoo. Stoned Guy: It does? No way! I gotta check out this brochure! Farnsworth: So what are you doing to protect my constitutional right to bear doomsday devices? N.R.A. Man: Well, first off, we're gonna get rid of that three-day waiting period for mad scientists. Farnsworth: Damn straight! Today, the mad scientist can't get a doomsday device, tomorrow it's the mad grad student. Where will it end? N.R.A. Man: Amen, brother. I don't go anywhere without my mutated anthrax ... ... for duck hunting. Zoidberg: Sure, humans are cute, but how else are we supposed to test cosmetics? Hermes: I concur. Fry: Now here's a party I can get excited about. Sign me up! V.A.P. Man: Sorry, not with that attitude. Fry: OK then, screw it. V.A.P. Man: Welcome aboard, brother! Fry: Alright! V.A.P. Man: You're out. Fry: That was pretty cool. I think I'm actually starting to get interested in politics. Linda: And so, with two weeks left in the campaign, the question on everyone's mind is who will be the next President of Earth? Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson? Two terrific candidates, huh, Morbo? Morbo: All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo. Linda: In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan today, when a titanium mine collapsed, trapping 1,000 robot workers. Bender: What? Lord have mercy! Linda: Unless something is done quickly, the trapped robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue operations are planned? Mine Spokesman: The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with our lives. Morbo: News of the mines closing sent titanium prices skyrocketing. Bender: Alright! I'm rich! Leela: What are you talking about? Bender: My body's 40% titanium! I'm finally richer than those snooty ATM machines. Fry: Too bad you can't spend it. Bender: Oh, can't I? Fry: No. Bender: Watch me, poor man. Pawnbroker: Pleasure doing business with you. Bender: Game's over, losers. I have all the money! Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves! Hey, get away. Shoo! I'll give you five dollars to not do what you're thinking about doing. You just lost five dollars! Bender: Hey, buddy. Little help? Thank you! Bender: Hello, peasants. Leela: Bender? What happened to you? Fry: Yeah, you look different. Did you get a haircut? Bender: No, I sold my body. Farnsworth: Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewellery and skintight pants. Fry: This is crazy, Bender. How are you gonna live without a body? Bender: Pft! Bodies are for hookers and fat people! All I need is a wad of cash with a head wrapped around it. Fry: Well, at least now you can pay off your loan shark. Bender: Yeah, right. What's he gonna do, break my legs? Bender: Ah, this is the life. Another martini, please. Bender: Shaken, not stirred. Aw, yeah! Bender: Put it all on black. Croupier: 21 red. I beg your pardon. 33 black. Bender: Yes! The rich get richer! Bender: Strike! In your face, Leela! Ow! Bender: Timber! Fry: Hey, Bender, can I take a ride in your car? Bender: Maybe if you clean up first. It looks like your neck stepped in something. Oh, I'm sorry, that's just your body! Fry: Hey! You look me in the shins and say that. Bender: I've had it up to here with this place. I'm off to the Head Museum to hang out with classy heads like me who appreciate the finer things poetry, philosophy, hats. So long, coffin stuffers! Uh, could one of you coffin stuffers please carry me? Bender: Now, which group of heads is good enough for me to hang out with? What do you think, Fry? Fry? Schiffer: Hi, I'm Claudia Schiffer's head. Fry: I recognise you. Didn't you use to have a body of some sort? Schiffer: Yeah, but it was holding me back. You know, I just did the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimcap Issue. Fry: Well, you're looking great. Schiffer: Thanks. I wouldn't mind losing a few pounds though. Fry: Couldn't hurt. Bender: Ah, US presidents. Sturdy shelves, good security. This place has class. Clinton: Hey, sugar cookie. You know, legally, nothing I can do counts as sex anymore. Ford: I apologise for his rudeness, ma'am. He gets this way around meaty-looking women. Fry: Hey, I remember you. I was gonna vote for you one time. But voting isn't cool so I stayed home alone and got trashed on Listerine. Ford: Frankly, I've never felt voting to be all that essential to the process. Nixon: No kidding, Ford. Bender: So then the hookerbot says, "That's not my expansion slot" and my friend says, "That's not my gold-plated 25-pin connector!" Washington: Oh, Bender. Thou robots really cracketh me up. Bender: You know, I like it here. What's the rent on one of these jars? George H.W. Bush: Sorry, Bender, but we just can't allow every Tom, Dick, and Harry to move in. No offence, Jefferson, Nixon and Truman. Carter: Maybe Mr. Bender can get a spot in the closet of presidential losers. Dole: Bob Dole needs company. LaRouche won't stop with the "knock knock" jokes. Bender: Pass. Washington: So, telleth, Bender. What hath happened to your body? Bender: I hocked it. Washington: Hocked it? Why wouldst thou do that? Bender: Same reason you hocked your teeth. Washington: Ah. Booze money. Nixon: I remember my body; flabby, pastey-skinned, riddled with phlebitis. A good Republican body! God, I loved it. Fry: I hear that. I spent most of my teen years loving my body. Course, it was tough love but- Ooh! Leela: Fry, he opened up relations with China. He doesn't want to hear about your ding-dong. Bender: So, Nixon. Even if you miss your body, being a head's great too, right? Nixon: No, son. It's a sad and lonely life. Bender: Oh, great. Now you tell me! Nixon: That's my style. I like to kick 'em when they're down! Bender: Ones ... zeros ... one, one, zero, zero, one- Fry: Bender, what is it? Bender: Whoa, what an awful dream. Ones and zeros everywhere. And I thought I saw a two. Fry: It was just a dream, Bender. There's no such thing as two. Bender: I know what this is about. My body loved me, and I turned it's back on it. Well, old friend, tie a yellow ribbon round your neck, 'cause I'm a-comin' home! Bender: You sold my body? To who? Pawnbroker: I can't reveal that information, but you look like a nice robot. Tell you what, I'll give you 50 bucks for the kid. Fry: Hey, my clothes are worth 50 bucks! Pawnbroker: Deal. Bender: Oh! How could I let this happen? I can't go through the rest of my life like this. Farnsworth: Don't you have a self-destruct button? Bender: Yeah, but it's on my body. What am I gonna do? Fry: Ah, I can't stand to see a robot cry. Let's watch TV! Nixon: And so, ladies and gentlemen, I'm throwing my head into the ring. I'm announcing my candidacy for the presidency of Earth. Journalist #1: Just one question. Scoop Chang: Scoop Chang, Beijing Bugle. Sir, the constitution clearly states that nobody can be elected president more than twice. Nixon: That's right. Nobody. But as you can plainly see, I've got a shiny new body! Bender: Oh! Leela: Bender, he's got your body! Bender: That dirty, double-crossing bastard! How dare he run off with Richard Nixon! Leela: Nixon must have bought your body from the pawn shop. Fry: Yeah, and that electric guitar. Nixon: Remember what the dormouse said, Feed your head. Bender: Yeah, you are, you stole my body! Fry, Leela, you gotta help me! Leela: Ordinarily I'd say no and lecture you on how this is your own fault for being such an idiot. But when a robotic Nixon is on the loose, we have a duty to take action. Idiot. Morbo: Morbo will now introduce tonight's candidates Puny Human #1, Puny Human #2, and Morbo's good friend, Richard Nixon. Nixon: Hello, Morbo. How's the family? Morbo: Belligerent and numerous. Nixon: Good man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family. Bender: Great. First he steals my body, now he's touching my stuff. Leela: Come on. We've gotta find some way to talk to him. Morbo: Morbo demands an answer to the following question If you saw delicious candy in the hands of a small child would you seize and consume it? Johnson: Unthinkable. Jackson: I wouldn't think of it. Morbo: What about you, Mr. Nixon? I remind you, you are under a truth-o-scope. Nixon: Uh, well, I, uh ... the question is-is vague. You don't say what kind of candy, whether anyone is watching or, uh... At any rate, I certainly wouldn't harm the child. Nixon'S Campaign Manager: You scored big points tonight, sir. Nixon: What are you talking about? They ate me alive out there. Nixon'S Campaign Manager: Yes, but your body stayed on message. And that message is, "Look at my shiny new body". The robots ate it up. You've got real charisma from the neck down. Nixon: Nixon with charisma? My God, I can rule the universe! Bender: Give me my body back, you two-bit thief! Nixon: Now, look here, you drugged-out Communist. I paid for this body and I'd no sooner return it than I would my little cocker spaniel dog, Checkers. Shut up, damnit! Fry: Please, Mr. Nixon. We're appealing to your sense of decency. Bender: That was a good one! Nixon: Seriously though, I'm never giving back this body. Now beat it! Before I get Cambodian on your asses! Bender: It's hopeless. We might as well turn in my head for the five cent deposit. Fry: No way! I'm not letting my best friend get recycled. Not for five cents, not for five hundred cents! Leela, I've got a plan! Leela: I've got a better plan. Fry: Why would Nixon stay at the Watergate? Leela: They give you a discount if you've been here before. Fry: Keep going, we're right behind you. Bender: Whoa, mama! Get a room, you two! Man: We're in a room! Bender: Well then lose some weight. Nixon: Aroo! Nixon: Oh, yeah. You women's libbers really know how to party! Bender: Psst! There I am! Nixon: Hey, Betty Friedan, send a little of that lotion my way! Leela: OK, almost got it. Steady. Steady. Don't panic. Fry: Ooh! Uh-oh! Nixon: What the- You shaggy peaceniks have some nerve! Bender: I'm just here for what's mine. Don't make me kick your neck. Nixon: Bring it on, soup can. Leela: Alright, break it up, you two! Nixon: That's it. You're all going to jail. And don't expect me to grant a pardon like that sissy, Ford. Leela: You'll never pardon anybody because you'll never get elected president. The voters of Earth aren't the pea-brained idiots they were back in your time. Nixon: Oh, no? Well, listen here, missy. Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973 but your average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever. The only one who's changed is me. I've become bitter and, let's face it, crazy over the years. And once I'm swept into office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place. Fry: Well, he lost my vote. Nixon: Like one vote ever made a difference. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to inch myself over to the phone and call the police. Bender: Not so fast, Nixon! Are you familiar with audio tape? Nixon: Uh-oh. I don't like where this is heading. Nixon: And I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place! Nixon: My God? I really sound like that? I thought my voice had more of a Clark Gable quality. Leela: The jig's up, Nixon. We'll trade you the tape for the body. Nixon: Oh, expletive deleted. You've got a deal. Fry: Hey, I've got one last thought. Bender: Ah, it's good to be back in one piece again. Except I can't get these damn bumper stickers off. Linda: The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to its highest level in centuries. 6% Morbo: Exit polls show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with an estimated zero votes. Leela: Yes! The system works! Linda: The time is 7 59 and the robot polls are now opening ... and the robot vote is in. Nixon has won! Leela: No! Fry: What? Bender: Get out of town! Fry: Why would robots vote for Nixon now that he's just a head in a jar? Nixon'S Campaign Manager: I give you the next president of Earth! Nixon: Nixon's back! Farnsworth: I can't believe it. He won by a single vote. Bender: Well it ain't my fault. I'm a non-voting felon, thank you. Fry: Well it's not my fault either 'cause I forgot to vote. Leela: Oh, crud. I knew there was something I meant to do today. Morbo: Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies. Nixon: Aroo! Who's kicking who around now? Aroo! Aroo! Nixon: Knock, knock!

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Conan O'Brien's head. O'Brien: Thank you, thank you. Let's get started. Max, play me over. Looks like someone forgot to feed Max. So, people are getting pretty worried about this Y2K problem, huh? Bender: No, they fixed that 900 years ago. O'Brien: Just bear with me, sir. Anyway, I'm walking to work this morning- Bender: I doubt it! O'Brien: Listen, pal, I may have lost my freakishly long legs in the war of 2012 but I've still got something you'll never have A soul! Bender: Eh. O'Brien: And freckles! Well, I'm out of material. You can catch me next week at the Andromeda Chuckle Hut. Enjoy your breakfast. Bender: Ah, let's face it Comedy's a dead art form. Now, tragedy... That's funny! Farnsworth: Come on, everyone. Perhaps some skiing will help us forget the mouldy old antics of Conan O'Brien. Amy: Yeah! Leela: Great idea! Zoidberg: We can only hope! Fry: This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened. Leela: Actually it did. But thank God nuclear winter cancelled it out. Fry: Hi! Bender: Enough of your mindless chitchat, let's get going. Hermes: Jah damnit! We're stuck. Zoidberg: At least you're not cold-blooded! Hermes: Sweet lion of Zion! Look at the Professor go. Fry: Look out! We're heading straight for those trees! Leela: Yeah, yeah, relax. Trees down. Trees: Trees down. Fry: Cool. Hey, what do you do if you want the trees up? Trees: Trees up. Fry: Trees down! Trees: Trees down. Bender: Lookin' good, meatball! Man #1: Excuse me, sir, you're snowboarding off the trail. Bender: Lick my frozen, metal ass. Uh-oh! Child: Mommy! Zoidberg: You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to see! Hermes: Listen, you filthy crab, a thousand years ago there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsledders. Fry: Yup, I remember. They came in last at the Olympics then retired to promote alcoholic beverages. Hermes: A true inspiration for the children. Um, a little help please? Nooo! Fry: Oh, what the hell! Ow! Amy: You poor man. What happened to you? Man #2: Well, there I was on the triple diamond slope, when suddenly- Amy: Oh, excuse me. Hello, there! Farnsworth: Wha? Bender: Ah! Nothing like a warm fire and a Super Soaker of fine cognac. Fry: Yeah, it really puts you in the Christmas spirit. Farnsworth: What-mas? Fry: Christmas. You know? X-M-A-S. Leela: Oh, you mean Xmas. You must be using an archaic pronunciation. Like when you say "ask" instead of "aks". Fry: Xmas, huh? Y'know, this'll be my first Xmas away from home. Leela: Hey, hey. Let me aks you something Would it cheer you up if we went and cut down an Xmas tree? Fry: Yeah! An old-fashioned Xmas tree! Fry: Hey! These aren't Xmas trees! Farnsworth: Eh, wha? Fry: They're supposed to be some kinda, you know, pine tree. Farnsworth: Pine trees have been extinct for 800 years, Fry. Gone the way of the poodle and your primitive notions of modesty. Ah! Brisk! Fry: This isn't the way Christmas is supposed to be. Farnsworth: There, there. Fry: Everything's changed. Leela: That's not true. Bender: Xmas tree, oh, Xmas tree! Bah-boo-bee-boo-bah-bee-boh. Amy: Ow! Fry: Every Christmas my mom would get a fresh goose for goose burgers and my dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes. This dumb holiday just makes me think of all the things I left behind. Let's just stop talking about Xmas. Hermes: Happy Xmas, Xmas people! Xmas cards have arrived! Xmas! Amy, there you go. Fry, Professor, Zoidberg, a mighty haul for Bender. Bender: Yes! I got the most! I win Xmas! Hermes: And last, but not least, the sweet flower of the office Me. Hermes Conrad. Bender: Hmm. Ah, a picture of my mommy. Zoidberg: Huh? What's this? A card from my cousin Zoidfarb. Instead of "Claus" he writes "Claws"! Now that's humorous. Today's comedians could learn from this card. Fry: What's the point of Xmas when everyone you know died a thousand years ago? I'm the loneliest person on Earth. Hey, Leela, how 'bout a little sympathy here, huh? Yoiks! What was that about? Amy: Fluh! She's an orphan. Farnsworth: Yes, and the only one of her species in all the known universe. What a lonely life. Fry: My God! Poor Leela. Bender: Hey, buddy, heard you needed cheering up! Well, old Bender'll make you laugh. Look at me, look! Oh, man, I gotta work on my act! Fry: I feel like a rat. Here I am whining like a pig while all along Leela was lonely as a frog. I could kick myself. Amy: I'll do it for you. Fry: Ow! Thanks. Farnsworth: You should be ashamed of yourself, Fry. You'd have to be blind not to notice that Leela's a cyclops. Hermes: Fry's over there, man. Farnsworth: Oh? Bender: Xmas Eve; another pointless day where I accomplish nothing. Linda: The holiday season is a time of celebration for most. But it is also a time to remember the tragic suffering of the less fortunate. Morbo: Earthlings do not yet know the meaning of suffering. Linda: Earlier today I visited a shelter for down-and-out robots. Homeless robots, too poor to afford even the basic alcohol they need to fuel their circuits. Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies. And there would have to be a lot of them. Amy: Where are you going, Bender? Bender: To volunteer at a liquor kitchen for homeless robots. Hermes: Yeah, right! As if you ever did anything charitable. Bender: I'm very generous. What about that time I gave blood? Fry: Whose blood? Bender: Some guy's. Fry: I've got to do something to show Leela how sorry I am. Zoidberg: So what's the problem? Just get down on your claws and do the apology dance. Fry: So it's left, left, right- Wait! I have a better idea! I'll go out and get her the perfect Xmas present. Something so great she'll never want to be unhappy again. Hermes: Just be back by sundown, mon. Fry: We'll see. I like to haggle. Amy: You can't stay out on Xmas Eve. You'll be killed! Fry: Say what? Farnsworth: Good Lord! He doesn't know about Santa Claus. Fry: I know about Santa Claus. Farnsworth: Back in 2801, the Friendly Robot Company built a robotic Santa to determine who'd be naughty and who'd been nice and distribute presents accordingly. But something went wrong. Fry: Wow! 2801! Anyway... Farnsworth: Wait, you fool! Due to a programming error, Santa's standards were set too high and he invariably judges everyone to be naughty. Amy: If he catches you after dark, he'll chop off your head and stuff your neck full of toys from his sack of horrors. Farnsworth: Nice meeting you. Preacherbot: Welcome, brother! May the blessings of the season be upon you. Bender: Yeah, yeah, amen. Listen, I'm one of those lazy homeless bums I've been hearing about. Could you point me to the free booze. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Fry: There's this girl who I really like but she thinks I'm a jerk. Can you help me? Salesman #1: Yeah, there's a suicide booth in the food court. Though there's a line this time of year. Fry: No, I need to get her a gift. And I need it before sundown. Salesman #1: Well, you can't go wrong with something traditional. A Surface-to-Santa rocket launcher. It comes with three jolly-seeking missiles. Fry: That's funny! Salesman #1: Careful, sir! Bender: Oh, yeah! You filthy hobos sure know how to live. Hey, chief, someone's stealing your handkerchief full of crap. Tinny Tim: Excuse me, sir? Might I have a sip of booze? Preacherbot: I'm sorry, Tinny Tim. Seems we ran out early tonight. Tinny Tim: I understand. Bender: My God! That poor kid! Fry: You're the last store open. I need something for my friend Leela. Just give me your best animal. Salesman #2: Best? Well that's a matter of opinion. I personally like the Electric Snail. Fry: That's a stupid animal. You're stupid! I said I want the best one. Now which costs more? The parrot or the Stink Lizard? Salesman #2: The lizards are a buck each, the parrot is $500. Fry: That's a hell of a good parrot. Although, I could get 500 lizards for the same price. Girls like swarms of lizards, right? Salesman #2: Sir, the store is closing in two minutes. Fry: Alright, I'll take the 500 lizards. No, wait, yes. No. Yes. Yes. Yes! The parrot! Fry: Well, I spent every penny I had but I bet Leela's gonna love you. Hey, you're quite the talker, aren't you? Shut the hell up! Ow! Stupid bird! I know where you live. Amy: Hey, it's Leela. Leela: Sorry I stormed out before. I didn't mean to ruin everyone's Xmas. Farnsworth: Huh? You were gone? Leela: It's just that I get tired of Fry always only thinking of himself. Hermes: I hear that! I aks him to set the table, instead he goes out to buy you a present. Selfish dog. Leela: Wait! You mean he's still out? His life's in danger! Zoidberg: Why? Leela: I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town! Fry: Alright, bird, you thought you could beat me in a game of wits. But you just met your equal. Fry: Aha! Cornered! Leela: Hi, there! Fry: Leela! Oh, my God! You saved my life. I am gonna get you so many lizards! Leela: You didn't need to buy me a present, Fry. Fry: I just wanted to do something to make you happy. I mean, I miss my family but you never even had a family. Leela: It's OK. You're lonely and I'm lonely. But, together, we're lonely together. Fry: Merry Xmas, Leela. Leela: Merry Xmas. Fry: Oh, boy! It's Santa! Santa: Ho, ho, ho! You've been very naughty, Fry and Leela. I checked my list. Fry: Well check it twice! Santa: I perform over 50 mega-checks per second. You're both naughty for disregarding each other's feelings. Leela: But we set things right. Fry even risked his life to get me a present. Santa: But what about your other co-workers? Did either of you ever stop to think about Dr. Zoidberg's feelings? Fry: No! I swear! Santa: Santa has something very special in his sack for you two! Robots: So lock the door and hit the floor, 'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight. Hattie: Go away! Bender: Whoa, hold on! How about inviting us in for a traditional glass of hard cider? Hattie: Oh, alright. But just one glass! OK, that's enough. I said that's enough! Bender: Get her purse! Fry: Please let us live! We'll put out milk and cookies for you! Santa: You dare bribe Santa? I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds! Leela: We're trapped. Fry: I never thought it would end this way Gunned down by Santa Claus. Honestly, I didn't see it coming! Leela: Goodbye, Fry. Fry: Goodbye, Leela. Hey, look, we're under the mistletoe. Santa: Your mistletoe is no match for my T.O.W. missile! Fry: Uh, you're present may need some assembly. Bender: On the 4th day of Xmas I stole from that lady. Robot #1: Four family photos. Tinny Tim: Three jars of pennies. Robot #2: Two former husbands. Bender: And a slipper on a shoe tree. Raoul: Oh, thank you! Fry: Help! Leela: Somebody help us. Tinny Tim: It's humans. Shall we mug them, robot sir? Bender: No, wait, I know these guys. They got nothing. Santa: Ho, ho, ho! You've been very naughty, Bender. Bender: What? Me? I didn't do nothing. You're thinking of the kid. Santa: My God, Bender! Framing an orphan? That's so naughty I'll have to add it to my list right now. Framing ... I-N-G ... ... an... Zoidberg: Amy, this is for you. A set of combs for your beautiful hair. Amy: Oh, that's so sweet. But I sold my hair to a wigmaker so I could buy a set of combs for Hermes. Hermes: Oh, the irony. I sold my hair so I could buy this third set of combs for Zoidberg. Zoidberg: Thank you. These'll come in handy for my new hair. Finally I look as pretty as I feel! Fry: Help! Leela: Help! Bender: Help! Farnsworth: Oh, dear. They'll be killed on our doorstep. And there's no trash pickup until January 3rd. Hermes: Sweet manatee of Galilee! He's on the roof! Farnsworth: Quick! The armour-plated chimney cover! Push! Push! Bender: Use teamwork! Tinny Tim: Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Santa: You've all been very naughty, very naughty indeed. Except you, Dr. Zoidberg, this is for you. Zoidberg: A pogo-stick! Santa: As for the rest of you, I'm going to tear off your skin like wrapping paper and deck the halls with your guts. Bender: Yeah? Well I don't believe in Santa Claus. Come on, everybody, if you don't believe in him, he can't hurt you. Ow! God! The pain! Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Time to get jolly on your naughty asses! Leela: Watch out! His belly is shaking like a bowl full of nitro-glycerine! Amy: Rudolph's nose! Fry: He's gonna blow! Zoidberg: Aha! Farnsworth: Yes, good thing I got us out of that one! Bender: Xmas dinner, everyone. Fry: Uh, Bender? Where did you get that bird? Bender: I found it lying in the street, like all the food I cook. Dig in, everyone. Tinny Tim: Thank you, sir. Bender: You got the toenail! Oh! Fry: Look, the food isn't what's important. Tinny Tim: I'm so hungry. Fry: The important thing is we're all together for Xmas. And even though I'm surrounded by robots and monsters and old people, I've never felt more at home. Farnsworth: Hear, hear! Now let's all of us shut up and sing! Amy: He knows when you are sleeping. Farnsworth: He knows when you're on the can. Leela: He'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan. Zoidberg: Oh. Hermes: You'd better not breathe, You'd better not move. Bender: You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude. Fry: Santa Claus is gunning you down! Farnsworth: Merry Xmas, everyone! Santa: I'll be back. Back when you least expect it Next Xmas! Ho, ho, ho!

Singer: Call Robo-Rooter when you flush your towel. Plumber-Bot: And we can also help with an impacted bowel. Singer: Robo-Rooter! Fry: Mmm. Mmm! Now this is what I call a thousand years of progress A Bavarian cream dog that's also self-microwaving! Bender: Aw, jeez. Let's just pray I have the energy to get myself another beer. Oh, what is this, the Middle Ages? Leela: Look at you guys. No offence, Fry, but you've become a fat sack of crap. Fry: Sack? Amy: And, Bender, your beer belly's so big your door won't even close. And that doesn't even make sense. Leela: Come on. We're taking you pigs to the gym. Zoidberg: The gymnasium? Excellent, excellent. For some reason I'm frisky as a squid on Tuesday. Amy: Hey, who's up for a nice, hot steam? Zoidberg: We crustaceans don't like steam. I'm going to go work out with the Nautilus! Nautilus: What up, Dr. Z? Zoidberg: Yo, yo, yo! Whassup, whassup! Give up the rock! Fry: Co-ed steam rooms! I love the future! Leela: Uh, Fry, you're in the women's steam room. Fry: Ah, futuristic! Amy: Psst, look what life was like before genetic engineering. Leela: Those poor 20th century women. Amy: Hey, handsome. Is there room in there for two? Man: You wish! Fry: Hey, Leela, look who's the super-stud! Leela: Hmm, somebody must have turned down the gravity. I'll fix it for you. Zoidberg: Give me that. More weight! Fry: Hey, Dr. Zoidberg, what's that jazz on your head? Zoidberg: Enough with the questions. More weight! More! More! Leela: Maybe you could do more reps with less weight. Bender: Hey, looks like Zoidberg's finally coming out of his shell. Get it? He's coming out- Randy: Nice and gentle, we don't want any unnecessary stress. Is there a doctor in the gym? Zoidberg: I'm a doctor! Leela: I wonder why Dr. Zoidberg is acting this way. Out of all of us he always seemed the most normal. Zoidberg: I am normal. Amy, take off these rubber bands and I'll show you how normal I am! Amy: Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool me eight or more times, shame on me. Fry: Maybe he has a parasite. Hermes: Maybe he is a parasite! Bender: It's always so sad when a friend goes crazy and you have to have a big clam-bake and cook him! Yee-haw! Farnsworth: Now, now, this won't do. Let me just give old Zoidy a sedative. Zoidberg: Ah, much better. You can take off these rubber bands now. Amy: I'll do it. Leela: Stop! Fry: No, Amy! Bender: Moron! Farnsworth: Mm-hm... Oh-ho! Aha! There's the problem. Zoidberg: Give it to me straight, Professor. Is it fin rot? It's fin rot, isn't it? Tell me it's not fin rot! Farnsworth: Relax, my chiton-y chum. There's no problem. You're just heavy with male jelly. Leela: Bleck! Farnsworth: It must be mating season for Zoidberg's people; a chaotic time when his behaviour is dictated by the tiny brain in his rump. Fry: Eck! Farnsworth: There's only one thing we can do- Bender: I'll get the water boiling! Farnsworth: We, by which I mean you, will have to rush him to his ancient homeworld which will shortly erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex. Fry: Oh, baby, I'm there! Leela: Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"? Fry: Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in. Uh, no need to pack pants, people. Let's roll! Amy: Dr. Zoidberg said I should hold these while he's gone. Bender: Moron! Decapodian Man #1: Welcome home, old friend. Just 19 hours until the mating frenzy! Zoidberg: Excellent, excellent! Decapodian Man #1: See you there, Doctor- Fry: Is that how you say "Zoidberg"? Zoidberg: You didn't have to call attention to his speech impediment. Bender: You're looking less nuts, crabby. Zoidberg: I'm feeling less nuts, thank you, because tomorrow I will be depositing my jelly in the cloacal vents of a female. If you catch my drift. Fry: Who's the lucky lobsterina? Zoidberg: I don't know yet. But I shall attract one this afternoon with an erotic display. Leela: It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast. Zoidberg: Love? That word is unknown here. I'm simply looking for a female swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material. Fry: You and me both, brother! Zoidberg: Ah, my old scuttling grounds! Let's pull over. Zoidberg: I used to hang out here as a larva. It looked so much bigger back then. Who's the tough guy now, Vinnie? Bender: Look! Outdoor theatre! Let's get tickets. Oh, let's do! Zoidberg: No, it's the ceremony of Claw-Plach, where my species fight to the death over matters of honour. Also whether abbreviations count in Scrabble. They don't! Fry: I didn't come here to see any activity involving two guys. Where do you people do your erotic display? Zoidberg: Same place as your species The beach. Zoidberg: How do I look? Bender: Like whale barf. Zoidberg: Then the illusion is complete. Fry: Hey, I wonder if these guys are here to watch the erotic display too. Decapodian Man #2: Aw, yeah! Aw, wow! Zoidberg: Perfect! This oughta make me stand out. Craw! Fry: Look how ridiculous they look. Bender: Please, he's no different from the rest of you organisms; shooting DNA at each other make babies. I find it offensive. Zoidberg: Craw! Decapodian Woman #1: Keep your jelly away from my eggs! Zoidberg: Craw? Decapodian Woman #2: So not interested. Zoidberg: Craw! Decapodian Woman #3: Humph. I've heard that line before! Zoidberg: Cra- Oh, what's the point? Leela: Why is Zoidberg the only one still alone? Bender: 'Cause he's a loser, that's why. He's the lobster equivalent of Fry. Fry: Hey! I can get any girl I want anytime I want. I'm just too busy. Zoidberg: Edna? Edna, it's me, Zoidberg. Remember, from high school? You used to laugh at me because my face was covered with barnacles! Edna: Zoidberg? Well I didn't know you were back in town. I heard you went off and became a rich doctor. Zoidberg: I've performed a few mercy killings. So, as long as I'm in town I was wondering if maybe ... craw? Edna: Oh, gee, yeah, I'm just going through a lot of things right now and- Look, Zoidberg, I carry more eggs than any other female and I owe it to our race to pick a mate who's stuffed with male jelly. Maybe a rock star. Zoidberg: Or maybe a doctor? Edna: I'm sorry, Zoidberg. You're just an inferior male specimen. Nice seeing you again. Zoidberg: No one will ever want to mate with me, not with a puny claw like this. Did you see those other guys? They looked like giant claws with bodies attached. Leela: At least you didn't smell as bad as them. Zoidberg: You're right, my stink gland is weak. Smell! Fry: Listen, Doc, if you wanna score you gotta fake like you're in love. Just look her in the eye, start crying and say "I've never been so happy." Leela: If a guy ever did that to me I'd know it. Wait a second. They've all been doing that to me. Even Sean! Zoidberg: Hmm, this "love" intrigues me. Teach me to fake it. Fry: OK, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do? Zoidberg: Ask her to mate with me. Fry: No. Tell her she's special. Zoidberg: But she's not. She's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs. Fry: Well, tell her that. And then? Zoidberg: Then mating. Fry: No. Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes? Zoidberg: Is "desire to mate" a feeling? Fry: You're not even trying! Zoidberg: It's all so complicated with the flowers and the romance and the lies upon lies. Fry: OK, OK, don't worry. The love meister will take you under his wing. Zoidberg: What? Now there's a bird involved? Fry: OK, go ahead. Edna: What the- Dr. Zoidberg, your mating display failed. Why are you trying to talk to me? Zoidberg: I have no idea. Fry: You just wanna talk, it has nothing to do with mating. Zoidberg: I just wanna talk, it has nothing to do with mating. Fry, that doesn't make sense. Edna: Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense. But OK. Fry: Start with a compliment. Tell her she looks thin. Zoidberg: You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites? Edna: Why, yes. Thanks for noticing. Fry: Now ask her how her day was. Zoidberg: Why would I wanna know? Fry: You wouldn't. Ask anyway. Zoidberg: How was your day? Edna: Well first I got up and had a piece of toast. Then I brushed my teeth. Then I went to the store to buy some fish. Then... Zoidberg: Fry, look what you did, she won't shut up. Fry: That's normal. Just nod your head and say "Uh-huh". Zoidberg: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Edna: ...And then you threw an octopus at my window. You know, Zoidberg, it's crazy but when you talk this way your obvious deficiencies as a male seem ... less obvious. Your genes seem less detrimental. You even stink more. Zoidberg: Do I ask her to mate now? Fry: Third date! Bender: So I returned his artificial heart and ever since then I've been known by the name of Honest Bender. Zoidberg: I'd like to propose a toast to ... coat check number 84. Fry: Turn it over. Zoidberg: Oh, Edna! Of all the slimy, gross crab monsters on this planet, you are apparently the hottest. Bender: Oy. Fry: That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Edna: Yes, well ... excuse me, I've got to powder my mouth flaps. Leela: Uh, me too. Zoidberg: I'm confused, Fry. I'm feeling a strange new emotion. Is it love when you care about a female for reasons beyond mating? Fry: Nope. Must be some weird alien emotion. Leela: Zoidberg said some dumb stuff but he's a nice guy, really. It's just that Fry's been telling him what to say and Fry's a ... do you have idiots on your planet? Edna: Fry? You mean words of such beauty came from the blowhole of that hideous alien? Leela: Yeah ... what? Look, never mind the words. Zoidberg's a doctor. A doctor, honey. Edna: Hmm. Edna: Come in. Edna: Hello, Fry. Can I interest you in some surf and turf? Fry: No thanks. I just came to tell you that Zoidberg's really great. He's got male jelly coming out the wazoo. Edna: Well that is where it comes out but jelly isn't everything. I know Zoidberg's magical words were really yours. Teach me to love you, squishy poet from beyond the stars! Fry: Uh, I'm flattered, really. If I was gonna do it with a big, freaky mud bug you'd be way up the list! Edna: Hush, you romantic fool! Engage your mandibles and kiss me! Zoidberg: Edna, I couldn't stand it any longer. I- Fry! Fry: Dr. Zoidberg, it's not how it looks. Zoidberg: Her caviar is on your neck! Fry: But- Edna: Oh, it's true, Zoidberg. We can't hide it any longer. Fry and I have fallen in love and we're going to mate tomorrow. Fry: What? Zoidberg: Fry! I challenge you to Claw-Plach! Fry: English, please? Zoidberg: A fight to the death. Edna: And if you survive, we'll make sweet love! Decapodian Emperor: The law is clear. Fry and Zoidberg shall fight to the death for the claw of the beautiful Edna. Fry: But I don't want her! Decapodian Emperor: Once invoked, the sacred tradition of Claw-Plach can not be taken back. It is a recent tradition, only 18 years old, but it is a tradition none the less. Zoidberg: Get ready, Fry. I'm going to rip your swim bladder out and show it to you. Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, this is madness. You're being irrational. Zoidberg: Of course I'm being irrational! I'm in love! Leela: Aww. Fry: Leela! Leela: Right, right. You have to stop this madness. Decapodian Emperor: Listen, lady, as you can plainly see I'm a highly desirable male, groaning with jelly. Yet I embrace a life of celibacy in order to uphold our crazy traditions. One of your friends must die. Bender: Fate is cruel and unyielding and what must be must be. Takin' all bets! I'm giving 9-2 on Zoidberg, the crab with the jab! The Great Red Hope! Come on, baby! Zoidberg: Fry, it's been years since medical school so remind me. Disembowelling in your species Fatal or non-fatal? Fry: Fatal. Zoidberg: Large bet on myself in round one! Decapodian Emperor: Edna, have you anything to say before begins the Claw-Plach? Edna: I do. I just want to say that today I got up and I had a piece of toast. Then I brushed my teeth- Fry: Shut up! Edna: I love you, Fry! Decapodian Emperor: Fry, having guessed what animal I was thinking of, you shall have first choice of weapon. And you, doctor? Zoidberg: I choose my own claws! I want the tactile pleasure of chopping him right here in the gonads! Fry: Shh! Nobody correct him! Bender: Fry, I've never asked you for anything before but, if it's not too much trouble, when it comes to the ninth round just let him win. Fry: But it's a fight to the death! Bender: Oh, so this is suddenly all about you. Sheesh! Decapodian Emperor: Please rise for the national anthem. Fry: Uh-oh. Decapodian Emperor: Let Claw-Plach begin! Fry: Hey! Bender: Ow! Leela: Come on, Fry! Die with dignity! Fry: Aha! Oops! Edna: Nooo! I can't stand to look. Zoidberg: Huh? Bender: Psst, Fry. Take a dive. Crowd: Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! Fry: My fellow fish monsters, far be it for me to question your stupid civilisation or its dumb customs, but is squeezing each other's brains out with a giant nutcracker really going to solve anything? Dr. Zoidberg is my friend, and though a woman has come between us, I say we'll always remain friends. And you know why? One reason. You bastard! I'll kill you! You bastard! Leela: Wait! Stop! Everyone is gone. Zoidberg: Edna? Honey? Zoidberg: Edna? Leela: Ew! Bender: Oh, my God! Zoidberg: The frenzy! Oh, the greatest experience in life and I missed it. Fry: Aw. I'm sorry, Doc. Fry: Ow, ow! Ah! Zoidberg: The frenzy is over. How will I ever get rid of my male jelly now? Fry: I'll lend you this. Leela: Fry! Fry: Hey, hey. Bender: Shoo! Get away! Hey! What's with the flying jerks? Zoidberg: They come to feast after the frenzy. Once my species passes on its genes, it dies. Fry: You mean you have to choose between a life without sex and a gruesome death? Zoidberg: Yes. Fry: Tough call. Zoidberg: Well it was nice of you to let me reattach your arm, Fry, especially after I made a complete eel out of myself. Fry: No biggie. Zoidberg: Yes biggie. I learned to feel things I'd never felt before Love, jealousy, passion for disembowelling. I owe it all to you. There! I pronounce the operation a success. Leela: Hooray! Bender: Yeah! Fry: Yeah! Zoidberg: I may not know from emotions but when it comes to medicine, forget about it. Fry: I don't mean to nitpick, super-doc, but do you think maybe you could take one more whack at this? Zoidberg: For you, my friend, anything. Fry: My legs! Zoidberg: Alright, alright, third time's the charm.

Announcer: Futurama is brought to you by ... ... Arachno Spores! The fatal spore, with the funny name! Announcer #1: Cop Department is real. The people you see are not actors. Most of them aren't even people. Centipede Man: C'mon, man, I didn't fire off no laser. Smitty: Then why is there a smoking hole in your ceiling, sir? Centipede Man: What? Crazy upstairs lady must've been shooting down. Url: Sir, you're on the top floor of this particular domicile. Centipede Woman: You get that camera out of my house! Smitty: Just relax, ma'am. Sir, sir, put down the lamp. Centipede Man: OK. OK, I'm co-operating. Smitty: That's it. Now put up your hands. Url: Nice and slow. Aw, yeah! Smitty: And while you're at it, unblur your face. Centipede Man: Aw, man. Leela: Hey, Bender, I thought you said you were in this episode. Bender: Nah, this week I'm on Caught On Tape 3 'cause of what I did in the coffee pot. Centipede Man: I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I'm just going through some things. Url: I'm goin' in! Announcer #1: Cop Department will return, after these messages. Announcer #2: Is today's hectic lifestyle making you tense and impatient? Bender: Shut up and get to the point! Announcer #2: Then come relive the carefree days of yore at Past-O-Rama ... ... where Old New York comes alive. Woman: It's like stepping back stepping back into the year 2000! Cowboy: Time for the mammoth hunt, dudes! Einstein Actor: Let's disco dance, Hammurabi! Hammurabi Actor: Dy-no-mite! Announcer #2: Located on the former site of Brooklyn. Leela: Sounds like your kinda place, Fry. Wanna go? Fry: Nah. If I ever wanna go back to the year 2000 I'll just freeze myself again. Bender: C'mon, Fry, I really wanna see it. You know how I yearn for a simpler time. A time of barn dances and buggy rides, before life was cheapened by heartless hi-tech machines. Leela: But, Bender, you are- Bender: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... Fry: Cool, it's just like the good old days! Mugger: Give me your wallet or I'll cut you! Fry: Hey, Leela, get a picture of me being "mugged". Mugger: I'll take the camera too. Bender: Learning is fun. Leela: Ooh, ancient Wall Street. Stockbroker #1: No! Stockbroker #2: I'm ruined! Tour Guide: I direct your attention to this ancient and mysterious tablet which has yet to be deciphered. Leela: Do you know what it means? Fry: Yeah, I asked a cop once. It means "Up yours, kid". Bender: I gotta say I'm really enjoying the day out with you people. Hey, a suicide booth! So long, suckers. Fry: Uh, sorry, Bender, that's just a phone booth. Bender: Oh. Leela: What were they used for? Fry: In New York? Bathrooms. Leela: Oh. I-I'll be out in a sec. Leela: Tokens only. How does this work? Fry: I'll show you. Whup. Bender: Oh, it's a turnstile. Leela: What's this? Another bathroom? Fry: No, it's a mobile apartment with no rent. Bender: C'mon, Fry. Get up! Leela: Wow! The burial chamber of the 20th century's greatest spiritual leader, Al Sharpton. Bender: Ooh. Now this guy had taste! Leela: It says he was mummified in ceremonial vestments. Fry: We sometimes called it a jogging suit. Narrator: The traffic jams of Old New York were a public forum of free interchange of opinions. Motorist #1: Move it, crap for brains! Motorist #2: Bug off! Motorist #3: Get home, bastard man! Narrator: It all started with Gerald Ford's famous invention, the "automocar" ... ... which was powered by a tank of burning fossils. Here we see a 20th century assembly line where cars were constructed by primitive robots. Robots: Ooga! Ooga! Ooga! Ooga! Ooga! Ooga... Bender: We've come a long way, baby! Narrator: The fruit of the robots' labour was this ... ... the stately 1992 Latoura. Fry: Hey, my girlfriend had one of those. Actually it wasn't hers, it was her dad's. Actually she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and never closed her curtains. Leela: Fry, remember when I told you about always ending your stories a sentence earlier? Fry: C'mon, let's sneak in for a closer look. Man: Sir, we don't touch the antiques. sir. You- Oh! I'm sorry. You work here. I should have realised from that ridiculous getup you're wearing. Fry: Hey! This is from Miller's Outpo- Uh, I mean, yeah, I work here alright! Man: Here, move this rust bucket outside behind St. Koch's Cathedral. Leela: Did you drive much in the 20th century, Fry? Fry: Nope. No one in New York drove. There was too much traffic. Nice! Listen to that baby purr. Bender: There's a baby in there, huh? Fry: It's just like riding a bicyc- Bender: I think I got whiplash. Leela: You can't have whiplash, you don't have a neck. Bender: I meant ass whiplash. Fry: I'm just glad we hit something. I thought we'd never stop. Bending Unit: Ow! I think I got whiplash. Fry: How's that robot I ran over? Farnsworth: We did all we could. Fry: You mean he's- Farnsworth: Good as new? Yes! Farnsworth: Leela, Zoidberg, the rest of you, this is Flexo. Hermes: Sweet llamas of the Bahamas! Except for that stylish beard, he looks just like Bender! Flexo: No duh, dreadlock, we're both bending units. Bender: Hey, brobot, what's you serial number? Flexo: 3370318. Bender: No way! Mine's 2716057! Fry: I don't get it. Bender: We're both expressible as the sum of two cubes. Fry: So, uh, Flexo. Sorry about crushing your body like that. You OK now? Flexo: Well I don't feel as bad as you look! Nah, I'm just messing with you, kid. You're alright. That's some face you got, though. I think they got a cream for that. Nah, you're great. Fry: Well just let me know if there's anything I can do to make it up to you. Flexo: Actually, your little stunt did a number on my back. You mind rubbin' it for me? Fry: Uh ... sure. Flexo: Aw, yeah, that's it. Little lower. Fry: How's that? Flexo: Lower. Yeah that's gettin' it. A little lower though. Fry: Uh, I can't get any lower than this. Flexo: I'll say, you're rubbing my ass! Robot #1: Hey, check it out here. Six beautiful devices. They know what you like and they'll do it to within a tolerance of one micron! Robot #2: Yeah! Spin those fans, baby! Robot #3: Alright, mama! Robot #4: Gyrate, baby! Fry: I don't like this place. It's 120 degrees and there's very little oxygen. Bender: Shut up and hoot. Hubba-hubba, she is built - in Mexico, I believe. Flexo: And that ain't silicon, it's tungsten. And plenty of it! Fry: Uh, yeah. Look at that exhaust fan. Flexo: Ew! Bender: Pervert. Flexo: Yoo-hoo! Stripperbot: Thanks, moderate spender. Please select erotic transaction. Flexo: Yeah, how 'bout a lap dance for my pal here? Fry: Uh, no, no, that's alright. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Fry: I'm telling you, there's something about Flexo I don't like. Flexo: Hey, Fry, think fast. Get it? It's chlorine! Zoidberg: It's funny because it's poisonous! Fry: Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp, but he's bad news. I regret ever running him over. Hermes: Take a rage dump, man. He's no worse than Bender. Fry: He's much worse. He drinks and smokes and he posts naked pictures of me on the Internet. Amy: That's Bender, alright. Fry: I'm talking about Flexo. Leela: Oh, I get it. This is cute. You're jealous of Bender's new friend! Fry: No, I'm not. Mark my words Flexo's evil. He's the evil Bender. Hermes: Rage dump! Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Report to my bedroom for a private exhibition. Farnsworth: Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you. Feast your eyes on this! Leela: It's beautiful. Amy: And huge. Fry: Can I touch it? Zoidberg: So what is it, already? Farnsworth: It's a single atom of jumbonium, an element so rare the nucleus alone is worth more than $50,000. Bender: How much more? Farnsworth: 100,000. That's why I hid it here, under my mattress. Leela: Uh, Professor, can we discuss this somewhere else? Farnsworth: Why certainly. Farnsworth: The atom sits atop this dimestore tiara which will be awarded to the winner of this year's Miss Universe pageant on the planet Tova 9. Your job is to deliver it, safe and sound. Amy: Wow! When I was a little girl on Mars I dreamed of being Miss Universe. Leela: That's kinda pathetic. Amy: Aw, come on, Leela. Deep down all girls wanna be Miss Universe. Leela: Not me. Amy: Really? Maybe it's just cute girls. Farnsworth: Due to the atoms tremendous value, Planet Express would go bankrupt if it was stolen. Therefore we'll need to hire on additional security for the mission. Flexo: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Mr. Professor, right here! Fry: Uh, maybe we should stick with people we know and trust. I mean, Flexo's great, but- Farnsworth: "Flexo's great," you say? Well that's good enough for me. Welcome aboard, lad. Leela: Space bandidos have been operating in this quadrant so you'll each take 8-hour shifts guarding the safe. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry. Fry: Wait, hold on. I don't like the sound of that. Let's just go alphabetically. Leela: OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry. Fry: Wait, let's go by rank. Leela: OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry. Fry: Flexo outranks me? Flexo: That's "Flexo outranks me, sir"! Bender: Halt. Who goes there? Fry: Don't point that at me. Bender: "Fry" who? Fry: Look, I know Flexo's your friend but I don't trust him alone with the atom. Bender: My God, Fry! Just 'cause the guy's got a beard you label him as evil? Well I got a label for you, pal An ugly little word called "prejudice". Fry: I'm not prejudiced. Bender: Ah, save it for the cross-burning, Adolf! Flexo: Keeping an eye on the safe? Bender: You know it! Flexo: Well, looks like it's my shift. You lie down and go offline for a while. Bender: Alright. Fry: Caught you! I saw you looking at the atom! Flexo: So? I look at lots of atoms. Shouldn't you be resting up for your shift? Fry: Oh-ho, you'd like it if I went to sleep, wouldn't you? Flexo: Whatever it takes to shut your yapper. Nah, I'm just kidding, you're a joker. Fry: Yeah, well here's a funny joke I'm gonna sit right here till it's my shift. Flexo: Suit yourself, skinbag. Fry: That I will. Flexo: Good. Fry: Good. Flexo: Good. Fry: Good. Flexo: Good. Fry: Good. Good. Fry: Well, that's eight hours. Flexo: Yeah, eight hours of solid boredom. Nah, I'm kidding, you're a wonderful man. Fry: Finally, the atom is safe. Leela: What is it? My God! Did you hear maracas? Fry: No. Leela: Then it wasn't space bandidos. Bender, lock down the ship. Don't let Flexo escape. Bender: Aye aye, Captain. It appears that Flexo has outwitted us all. Especially me ... Bender. Leela: How could Flexo have stolen the atom? Fry: He must have used a sleep-ray on me. Sleep-rays exist in the future, right? Leela: No. Fry: Oh. Then I must've fallen asleep. Leela: Well you were sure right about Flexo being evil. Bender: I locked down the exits but he may have already gotten away. Leela: OK, thanks, Bender. Let's fan out and look for him. Bender: Roger that, I got a map of the ship right here. Leela: Keep an eye on Fry. We can't rule out the possibility that he did it. Leela: Aha! Fry: Aha! Uh, searching ... hmm. Leela: Fry? Why are you looking for Flexo in my underpants drawer? Fry: I didn't find him here 10 minutes ago so I thought it was time to check again. Bender: Well, he wasn't in the, uh, kitchen room. Fry: Say, Bender, can I hold that map for a second? Bender: And leave me high and dry in case of a scavenger hunt? I think not. Fry: Give it up! Bender: Alright, take it. Sheesh! Leela: Well, looks like Flexo got away clean. Bender: It's a darn shame. Leela: He must have jumped ship with the atom the second we landed. Fry: Or maybe, he never left at all! Wait a minute. You're Bender. Bender: Of course, who said I wasn't? Fry: But why were you wearing that scarf and the turtleneck and this fruity number? Bender: It's a little thing called "style". Look it up sometime. Barker: Our ninth finalist, Miss Methane Planet, Halatina Smogmeyer. And our tenth and final finalist, Miss Earth's Moon, The Crushinator. Crushinator: Thank you, Bob Barker. I'm as happy as a girl can be. End statement. Barker: Which one of these lovely womanoids will take home the atomic tiara? Leela: Downplay the tiara. Barker: Uh, we'll find out after these subliminal messages. Barker: So you lost the atom, huh? You're garbage, human garbage! Do you brain-dead space jockeys have any idea how much that thing is worth? Fry: 100,000? Leela: 200,000? Bender: 200,001? Barker: You're closest without going over. Fry: Well, uh, we'll be leaving now. If you'll just sign this form saying you received the atom. Barker: I'm not signing squat. You find me that damn tiara before the pageant ends. Leela: But, Mr. Barker- Barker: Enough out of you. I may be against the fur industry, but that won't stop me from skinning you alive! As long as no one wears the skin. Leela: Well, gentlemen, it appears we're boned. Fry: Flexo! Leela: Get him! Barker: Next up in what is generously called the "Talent Competition", performing a traditional gangsta rap, Miss- What the- Bender: Gotcha! Women: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Bender: Shoot him, he's choking me! Flexo: No shoot him, he's choking me! Leela: I don't know which one to shoot. Fry: Flexo! Shoot Flexo! Amazonian: Women-only room! Leela: Alright, enough of this. There's the atom! Bender: Aw, jeez. Fry: Bender? You stole the atom? Bender: Yeah, but I can explain, it's very valuable. Flexo: I saw him snatch it while Fry was asleep. That's why I ran to tell Bob Barker. Fry: Whoa, whoa, wait a second. You mean Bender is the evil Bender? I am shocked. Shocked! Well not that shocked. Leela: I'm sorry we suspected you, Flexo. It's just, what with the beard and all- Flexo: Don't even bother. You people sicken me. I put my life on the line to guard that atom and this is how you repay me? Well you can go rot for all I care. Nah, I'm just kidding, you guys are alright. Fry: I'm so confused. The Bender I liked turn out to be evil and the Bender I hated was good. How can I live my life when I can't tell good from evil? Bender: Eh, they're both fine choices. Whatever floats your boat. Url: Is this the guy? Barker: Huh? Oh, yeah, that looks like him. Whatever. Flexo: Wait, but I- Barker: Take him away. Barker: Alright, let's put an end to this pathetic hoedown. Brannigan, read the thing. Zapp: And the winner is... Leela: It figures. Who else but Zapp Brannigan would be judging the most chauvinistic, degrading, dehumanising- Zapp: Huh? Leela? Leela: Wait, you're making a- Ooh! Look at that. I feel like a princess! Zapp: Wait. What are you people? Idiots? I'm still going mano a mano with this envelope. And the winner is Miss Vega 4. There it is, Miss Universe. There it is, looking weird. Leela: I almost had that tiara. Bender: Me too. Fry: Well, you guys might both be losers but I just made out with that radiator woman from the radiator planet. Leela: Fry, that's a radiator. Fry: Oh. Is there a burn ward within 10 feet of here?

Farnsworth: As new employees, I'd like your opinion on our commercial. I paid to have it air during the Super Bowl. Fry: Wow! Farnsworth: Not on the same channel, of course. Announcer: Interplanetary deliveries - what a headache! Horrible Gelatinous Blob: Evans! Where's that package from Earth? Man: Uh... I'm not Evans! Horrible Gelatinous Blob: He should've used Planet Express! Announcer: When those other companies aren't brave or foolhardy enough to go, trust Planet Express for reliable, on time delivery. Evans: Here's your package, Mr. Horrible Gelatinous Blob. Horrible Gelatinous Blob: Good work, Evans! You've got a future around here. Evans: Thank you, sir! Announcer: Planet Express Our crew is replaceable. Your package isn't. Fry: Are there really giant birds like that? Farnsworth: No, no! That was all just special effects! Now let's have breakfast. I hope everyone likes eggs. Fry: I'm never going to get used to the 31st century. Caffinated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch? Leela: Well, if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula. Farnsworth: Ah, Hermes! Crew, meet Hermes Conrad. He manages my delivery business, pays the bills, notifies next of kin, what have you. Hermes: Someone come and dropped this package through the slot last night. Now which one of you is the captain? Farnsworth: Oh, my! I haven't picked a new captain yet. It's always so hard to choose. Fry: Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Farnsworth: Hmm, you! Hermes: OK, Captain, this is just a standard legal release protecting Planet Express from lawsuits in the event of the unforeseen. Leela: Death by airlock failure. Hermes: Mm. Leela: Death by brain parasite. Hermes: Yeah. Leela: Death by sonic diarrhoea? Hermes: Oh, you don't want that! Leela: Look, I don't know about any of your previous captains but I intend to do as little dying as possible. Hermes: Sign the paper! Farnsworth: Now, Fry, before you go into space you'll need to see our staff doctor. I should warn you though, he's a little ... unusual. He wears sandals! Fry: Hi- Farnsworth: Dr. Zoidberg, this is Fry, the new delivery boy. He needs a physical. Zoidberg: Excellent, excellent! Farnsworth: You'll be fine. Zoidberg: Now open your mouth and let's have a look at that brain. No, no, no, no, no, not that mouth! Fry: I only have one. Zoidberg: Really? Fry: Uh, is there a human doctor around? Zoidberg: Young lady, I'm an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say... What? My mother was a saint! Get out! Farnsworth: Dear Lord, Bender, you're filthy. Bender: Yeah, like you don't have crap in your neck! Farnsworth: Amy, why don't you give his body a going over with the cleaning pick? Amy: OK. Does it hurt when I go like this? Leela: Ow! Bender: A little. Fry: Well, the doctor says I'm as healthy as a crab. Can I go into space now? Farnsworth: As soon as we finish cleaning Bender. Oh, and Fry, this is our intern, Amy Wong. She's an engineering student of mine. I like having her around because she's the same blood type as me. Amy: Hey! You're the unfrozen guy! From the 20th century, right? Fry: Last time I checked. Leela: Hang on. Amy Wong? Of the Mars Wongs? Amy: Look, we're not as rich as everybody says. Leela: Uh-huh! What sorority do you belong to? Amy: Kappa Kappa Wong. Bender: Hey, rich girl. Look over here! It's me, Bender. I'm being entertaining. Look at my head. It's all painted! Look at my head! I got a big, old head, hey! Ho! Alright, show's over, I'm tired. Farnsworth: Ah, to be young again. And also a robot. Now, as I recall, you youngsters have a package to deliver. Fry: Finally! Come on, Bender. Let's mosey! Bender: Nice catch, idiot! Fry: So where are we going anyway? Leela: Nowhere special. The moon. Fry: The moon? The moon moon? Wow! I'm gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave guys no one ever heard of! Amy: Oh, I love stuff like the moon! Can I come, Leela? Leela: Well ... I guess so. Just be careful. I'd like to hold off any major screw-ups until at least my second day as captain. Farnsworth: Nothing will go wrong. If something goes wrong, bring back the blood. Fry: Can I do the countdown? Leela: Huh? Oh, sure. Knock yourself out. Fry: Ten ... ... nine- Leela: OK, we're here! Fry: Eightsevensixfivefourthreetwooneblastoff! Fry: Hurry up! I wanna see the moon! Leela: Relax. It's open till 9. Fry: That's one small step for Fry- Man: And one giant line for admission! Fry: Wow! Um, can I have cuts? Man: Hmm ... no! Fry: You're not gonna believe this but they landed an amusement park on the moon! Amy: Guh! It's the happiest place orbiting Earth. Fry: Let's go, already! Leela: Fry, we have a crate to deliver. Fry: Let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it. Bender: Too much work. Let's burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer. Leela: OK, if everyone's finished being stupid- Fry: I had more but you go ahead. Leela: We'll deliver that crate like professionals and then we'll go home. Fry: But I've never been to the moon before. Leela: Alright. We'll deliver that crate like professionals ... and then we'll go ride the bumper cars. Amy, why don't you help Fry hoist down the crate. Then lock up when you're done. Just be careful. Amy: Aye, aye, Captain! I mean only one eye. I mean, yes, sir- Um, ma'am! Amy: Clear? Fry: Clear! Amy: Ready to hoist? Fry: Ready! Amy: Ow! Fry: My first space delivery. Fry: Uh, greetings, Moon Man. We come in peace. I am Fry from the planet Earth. Sal: Wise guy, huh? If I wasn't so lazy I'd punch you in the stomach. Fry: But you are lazy, right? Sal: Oh, don't get me started. Craterface: Hi, I'm Craterface! Welcome to Luna Park. I'll have to confiscate your alcohol, sir. Bender: Better mascots than you have tried. Craterface: At least I still have my self respect! Leela: Who buys this trash? Bender: Idiots who need gifts for other idiots. Fry: Hey, I got you guys refrigerator magnets. Bender: Get it off! Get it off! Get it- Uh-oh! How many roads must a man walk down, before you- Keep those things off of me! Magnets screw up my inhibition unit! Fry: So you flip out and start acting like some crazy folk singer? Bender: Yes. I guess a robot would have to be crazy to wanna be a folk singer. Whalerbots: We're whalers on the moon, We carry a harpoon, But there ain't no whales, So we tell our tall tale, And sing our whaling tune! Whalerbot: Bender, hey, Bender! Over here! Bender: Oh, jeez! I went to high school with that guy! Announcer: Monsanto presents The Goophy Gopher Revue! Gopher #1: Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock? Gopher #2: Because it's a little meteor! Fry: This is weak! Gopher #1: Address all complaints to the Monsanto corporation. Leela: What's wrong, Fry? Fry: I don't know. This place is great and all but its just so artificial. The gravity, the air, the gophers. You might as well stay on Earth. That's what I came to see! I wanna go out there and jump around like an astronaut. Screw this phoney stuff! Leela: But the phoney stuff is what's fun. It's boring out there. Bender: Yeah! You're the kind of guy who visits Jerusalem and doesn't want to see the Sexeteria! Leela: Maybe I should take Fry on the Luna Rover ride. You get to wear a space suit and drive around on the surface. And the line's short because it's educational. Fry: I don't care how educational it is. Let's do it! Bender: Next year in Jerusalem! Fry: Finally! Get ready for some serious moon action. Narrator: The story of lunar exploration started with one man. A man with a dream. Ralph Kramden-Bot: One of these days, Alice. Bang! Zoom! Straight to the moon! Leela: Wow, I never realised the first astronauts were so fat! Fry: That's not an astronaut, it's a TV comedian. And he was just using space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife. Amy: Wow! I could swear I was really playing virtual skeeball! Hm? Bender: Look, it's that crate we were gonna throw in the sewer. Amy: The keys to the ship! They must have fallen into the crate! Leela's gonna kill me! Bender: Nah. She'll probably make me do it. Amy: Mister? Could you please get those keys out for me? Sal: What do I look like? A guy who's not lazy? Narrator: No one knows where, when or how Man first landed on the moon. Fry: I do. Narrator: But our fun-gineers think it might have happened something like this Whalerbots: We're whalers on the moon, Gophers: We carry a harpoon, Whalerbots: and But there ain't no whales so we tell a tall tale... Leela: And sing a whaling tune. We're whalers on the moon- Fry: That's not how it happened. Leela: Oh, really? I don't see you with a fun-gineering degree! Fry: This is stupid. I'm taking this thing out to the real moon. Leela: Fry, no. This is my first mission and I'm not gonna let us get in any trouble. Besides, the car's on a track. Fry: Not for long! Whalerbot: Ooh! Ah! I died doin' what I loved. Leela: OK, you're on the surface. Now I'll give you 10 minutes. Then you'll get bored, turn around and apologise for being such a jerk. Agreed? Fry: Agreed. Yeah! Crank up the radio! Whalerbots: We're whalers on the- Fry: Yee-haw! Leela: Time's up. Make a U-turn at the next crater. Fry: No, not yet. How 'bout we go look for the original moon landing site? Leela: That's crazy! It's been lost for centuries! Fry: Well I'm feelin' lucky! Uh ... I'm ready to go back now. Fry: We're gonna die! It's every man for himself! Help me, Leela! You did it! We're safe! Leela: No. Now we're gonna die. Fry: It's every man for himself. Bender: Hey, look what I won from a tourist's pocket! Amy: Shut up. You're distracting me. Bender: Come on, it's just like making love. Y'know Left, down, rotate 62 degrees, engage rotor. Amy: I know how to make love! Bender: Here, let me do it. Ah, lousy arm. Must be rigged! That's her, officers! Uh, that's the woman who programmed me for evil! Bender: Yeah, well, I'm gonna go build my own theme park, with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the park! Fry: I'm sorry, Leela, I can't go on any further. Just leave me to die in that barn over there. Leela: Thank God! Hydroponic Farmer: Trespassers, eh? Fry: No, sir. We're amusement park patrons. Farmer: Ooh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's OK, but the rest is mighty wicked. Leela: Our car broke down and we're out of oxygen. Can we borrow some? Farmer: Huh, borry? Looky here, city girl, oxygen don't grow on trees. You'll have to earn it doing chores on my hydroponic farm. You can go back to your precious theme park at sun up. Fry: I guess we could do chores for a few hours. Leela: Fry, night lasts two weeks on the moon. Farmer: Yup. Drops down to -173! Fry: Fahrenheit or Celsius? Farmer: First one, then th'other. And them spacesuits ain't a-heated so you ain't goin' nowhere till sunrise. You can sleep in the barn. Just don't be a-touchin' my three beautiful robot daughters. Y'hear? Fry: Robot daughters? Farmer: This here is Lulabelle 7. Lulabelle 7: Yoo-hoo! Farmer: Daisy-Mae 128K. Daisy-Mae 128K: Yoo-hoo! Farmer: And the Crushinator. Crushinator: Yoo-hoo. Fry: Whoa! Leela: I told you to turn around and go back to the park. But oh, no, the park was too phoney. We had to see the real moon. Fry: And it was great! We got to see craters and rocks and that one incredible rock that looked like a crater and ... and these fellas. Leela: Fry, face it The moon is a dump. It's a boring, dried-up wasteland and the only reason anybody ever comes here is for the tacky little amusement park. Can't you just accept that? Fry: I guess I can't. Farmer: I'll learn ye to sleep with my robot daughters! Bender: He'll never find me in here. Leela: Bender? Fry: Oh, Bender. You didn't touch the Crushinator, did you? Bender: Of course not. A lady that fine you gotta romance first. Farmer: Oh, no you don't! C'mere, Crushinator. Crushinator: Yes, Pa. Fry: It's too low. Leela: Hang on. Hang on. Jump! Hold on to your helmet! Farmer: God darn it, Crushinator, jump! Crushinator: No, Pa. I love him. Fry: Hey, cool! Dark side of the moon! Leela: Nightfall's coming. Hurry, before we freeze. Bender: What do you mean "we", mammal? Farnsworth: Oh, dear! I really ought to do something. But I am already in my pyjamas. Leela: We can't outrun it forever. Fry: Over there! Look! It's the moon landing site! We found it! Leela: Quick, get in. Fry: It's that flag from MTV! And Neil Armstrong's footprint! Hey! My foot's bigger! Leela, isn't this the greatest thing you've ever seen? Leela: Fry, look around. It's just a crummy plastic flag and a dead man's tracks in the dust. Now get in here before you freeze. Bender: Oh, no room for Bender, huh? Fine! I'll go build my own lunar lander, with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack. Ah, screw the whole thing. Leela: Well if the oxygen holds out we might live long enough to starve to death. Fry: Look, Leela, I'm sorry. I never should have dragged you out here. Leela: That's right, you shouldn't have. I still don't get what the big attraction is. Fry: I never told anybody this but a thousand years ago I used to look up at the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just didn't have the grades. Nor the physical endurance. Plus I threw up a lot and nobody liked spending a week with me. Leela: A week would be a little much. Fry: The moon was like this awesome, romantic, mysterious thing, hanging up there in the sky where you could never reach it, no matter how much you wanted to. But you're right. Once you're actually here it's just a big dull rock. I guess I just wanted you to see it through my eyes, the way I used to. Leela: Fry, look.. It really is beautiful. I don't know why I never noticed before. Farmer: Had to come back for the Crushinator, eh, robot? Well I got you this time. Fry: It's Amy! We're saved! Leela: Amy? Where'd she learn to operate the controls like that? Bender: Not the magnet! No! No! No- Uh-oh! Bender: She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes, She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes- She'll be comin' round the mountain, She'll be comin'- Farmer: Aw, dang it! Bender: She'll be riding six white horses when she comes, She'll be riding six white horses when she comes- Leela: So, Fry, was the real moon anything like the moon you used to dream about? Fry: Well ... close enough! Bender: Well I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes, Yes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes, Yes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun, Oh, I'll shoot her with my ray gun, Yes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes, When she comes! I'll be blastin' all the humans in the world, I'll be blastin' all the humans in the world, I'll be blastin' all the humans, I'll be blastin' all the humans, I'll be blastin' all the humans in the world, In the world!

Lincoln: Four score and 1145 years ago our forefathers' foreheads conceived a new nation. Washington: And this Presidents' Day we honoureth those values that my body fought and died for. Malfunctioning Eddie: Values like this brand new Plymouth V'Ger! Hi, I'm Malfunctioning Eddie and I'm malfunctioning so badly I'm practically giving these cars away! Amy: Hey, let's go car shopping! My parents promised if I got all B's they'd buy me a bar, and I got all C's! Bender: Mind if I tag along? I gotta bring my ass in for servicing. The recall notice says it could burst into flames in a low-speed collision. Fry: No wonder you've been staying at the back of conga lines lately. Leela: I'll get my coat. Let's go, Bender. Victor: Hello, I am Victor and I know many things about the art of unloading fine cars on beautiful women. Leela: Uh-huh. Now tell us she's witty and sophisticated. Victor: Ah-ah-ah! A gentleman always sells a lady a car first. This is the Beta Romeo. Yes, the Beta Romeo. Note the cross-your-heart seat belt which protects, lifts and separates. Thundercougarfalconbird Salesman: Spotted her the minute you walked in, didn't you, sir? She's a real beauty. Fry: Yup, she's beautiful coffee alright. Salesman: No, the Ford Thundercougarfalconbird! Nothing makes you feel more like a man than a Thundercougarfalconbird. So how much were you thinking of spending on this Thundercougarfalconbird? Fry: Sorry, I'm not here to buy. Salesman: I understand, and it's wonderful you don't care whether anyone questions your sexual orientation. Fry: I care! I care plenty! I just don't know how to make them stop! Salesman: One word Thundercougarfalconbird! Victor: The luxurious seats are stuffed with eagle down and the dashboard inlaid with the beaks of a thousand eagles. Also, there are some eagles under the floorboards. Amy: That's an awful lot of eagle. Victor: Yes, and yet- Amy: What's wrong? Victor: It is just ... the luxury edition has so much more eagle. It saddens me to think of you missing out. Amy: Oh, don't be sad. My parents are paying and they're incredibly rich. Mechanic: I installed shock-absorbing bumpers to reduce the risk of catastrophic butt failure. Bender: You, sir, have defaced a national treasure! I demand you restore my buttocks to their former glory. Mechanic: Alright. But sooner or later that ass is gonna blow, and when it does, I just pray you're not moonin' someone you care about. Amy: Smeesh, Leela! This car has everything a beautiful woman like me needs. Victor said so. Victor: No dog food for Victor tonight. Leela: OK, the sticker says 55,000, but we'll only go as high as, say- Amy: 60,000! Victor: Oh, I will have to ask my manager. Leela: Amy, you don't go up from the sticker price. Amy: I thought it was an auction. Victor: He is not too happy. Amy: I'm sorry. 80,000? Amy: Uh-oh. I'm terrible at parallel parking. Hermes: And now you're asking for a day off? Get out of my and my sight! You're bogarting my patience. Leela: Hermes, who were you yelling at? Hermes: Myself. I asked myself a Valentine's Day off, but I was in no mood for any of my shenanigans. Fry: Valentine's Day's coming? Oh, crap! I forgot to get a girlfriend again. Well, since neither of us has a date, why don't we...? Leela: You just assume I can't get a Valentine's date? Fry: Shall we say eight o'clock? Amy: Hey, I'm taking my new car out for a spin to Mercury. Anybody wanna come? Fry: Yeah, OK. What's the weather like? Amy: The usual Boiling lead, oceans of lava. Fry: So, what? Shorts? Fry: Boy, this A.C. is incredible! I'd better turn on the heater too. Boy, this heater is incredible! I'd better turn up the A.C. some more. Amy: Hey, how about some icy margaritas? Fry: Yeah! We're slowing down! Amy: Don't worry. I'll hit the fuel guzzler! Fry: Who wants pop-tarts? Uh-oh! Amy: It's OK, I have an emergency phone. Fry: What are you doing? Amy: Spluh! It's a video-phone. Lucky I'm a member of the Astro-Afro-Antarctico-Amer-Asian Auto Association. Hello? Septuple-A? Fry: Phew! Amy: It'll be a couple hours. Oh, I'm gonna get sweat on my sweat-suit. Fry: Hey, tell me something You've got all this money, how come you always dress like you're doing your laundry? Amy: I guess 'cause my parents keep telling me to be more ladylike. As though! Fry: I've been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the Pope? Amy: Yeah, and if you were the Pope they'd be all, "Straighten your Pope hat," and, "Put on your good vestments." You know, Fry, it's nice to find someone I can talk to about stuff, and junk. Fry: Yeah, it's like we feel the same way about junk and stuff, or, whatever. Amy: So while they're towin' us, you wanna do it? Fry: Yeah. Hermes: Which concludes the summary of the movie I saw last night. Now, any old business? All: No. Hermes: Any new business? All: No. Hermes: Anyone spend the night together? Amy: Yep. Fry: Kind of. Bender: What? Hermes: Oh, my God! Amy: We ran out of fuel on Mercury and one thing led to another. Fry: And it led there again when we got home. Bender: Congratulations, Fry, you snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich, she's probably got other characteristics. Leela: Bender! Romance isn't about money. Bender: Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg here is desperately poor and miserably lonely? Puh-lease! Leela: For your information, it's because he's hideous. Hermes: Well I think Amy and Fry go together like a lime and coconut. Farnsworth: Do I hear wedding bells? Fry: What? No! Farnsworth: Really? Oh, dear. Zoidberg: You're both very lucky. I'd pay anything to end my miserable loneliness. If only I weren't so desperately poor. Bender: Wait. You mean people will pay good money for romance? Hmm. I think I have a scheme so deviously clever that I- Judge: $500 and time served. Bender: Stupid anti-pimping laws! Well, pay the man! Hookerbot: Bender, honey, we love you! Bender: Shut up, baby, I know it! Bender: Ah, computer dating. It's like pimping but you rarely have to use the phrase "upside your head". Leela: Bender, this is stupid. Why would anyone come to you for romantic help? Bender: Hey! Don't make me go upside your head! Hermes: Fry! Amy! Put your pants back on! I need a stapler. Zoidberg: Stop! Stop! If you interrupt the mating dance the male will become enraged and maul us with his fearsome gonad. Fry: It's working, they think we're making out. Wait, why aren't we making out? Amy: I 'unno. Bender: OK, Mister...? Zapp: Uh, Smith! Zapp Smith. Uh, Brannigan. Bender: Just check off the things you're looking for in a love partner. Zapp: Let's see ... Oh, yes! Yes, definitely. Oh, I'd like some of that. Mmm, I'll just have everything on the menu. Bender: Now to run it through our high-speed romance-a-logical data-fier. Say hello to Miss Right! Zapp: Hello! Fry: Wow! We're great kissers! Amy: Yeah! Hey, later, you wanna drive out to Europa? We could have a picnic and spit watermelon seeds at Jupiter. Fry: Hey, yeah! I used to spit at stuff back in the 20th century. Ah, it's cool how we sort of think exactly alike, and junk. Amy: Yeah. Y'know, Fry, I really like hanging out with you. Fry: Everything was going great. Then, all of a sudden, she's talking about hanging out. Hanging out? She's getting way too serious. I'm not a one woman man, Leela. Leela: You'll be back to zero soon enough. Fry: Don't you get it? She's smothering me. Amy: Hi. Fry: You see? You see? Now she's bothering me when I'm at work. Leela: Fry- Fry: I'm doing my job, there's Amy; I spend a few hours selecting a candy from the machine, there's Amy; I wake up the morning after sleeping with Amy, there's Amy! Leela: I think you're over reacting. Fry: Am I? Am I? Face it, I'm a prize catch. I mean, I'm pulling down delivery boy money. Leela: Fry, she's pulling down billionaire trust-fund money. Fry: Then she wants me as a trophy husband. Leela, you gotta come to Europa with us. I can't be alone with her. Amy: So, ready for a secluded picnic with just you and me? Fry: Hey, you know who loves secluded picnics with just you and me? Uh, Dr. Zoidberg. Zoidberg: Did someone say something about a free hot meal? Zoidberg: Mmm, I haven't eaten since Tuesday! Bird eggs, animal slices ... ... dry woven reeds! All gone! Can I drive? Amy: No. So, Fry, you busy tomorrow? I got two tickets to the big ape fight. Fry: Jeez, we're already planning to spend Valentine's Day together. Isn't that enough? Amy: OK, sure. What do you wanna do for Valentine's Day? Fry: Oh, so all of a sudden we're spending Valentine's Day together? Amy: But you just said- Fry: That's it, Amy, we have to talk. Zoidberg, you drive. Zoidberg: Wahoo! Fry: Pardon me, excuse me. Zoidberg: Ah, I'll just turn the wheel to maximum fastness! Fry: Amy, you know how at first you like chocolate but then you start to get tired of it because it always wants to hang out with you? Amy: Huh? You don't like chocolate? Fry: Look, could chocolate just let me finish? Zoidberg: Vroom, vroom! And the winner of the big car race is ... Hot Rod Zoidberg! Fry: Amy, what I'm trying to say is, I think maybe you and I should stop- Zoidberg: Uh-oh. Here, you drive! Zoidberg: Fry? Are you alright? Fry: Ow! My head is killing me. What happened? Was anybody hurt? Zoidberg: No, no, no, no, no, of course not. Nobody but you. I'm afraid your body was badly damaged in the crash. Fry: How badly? Zoidberg: That's it over there. Don't worry, I managed to keep your head alive with some quick surgery. Fry: Where is it? Zoidberg: There. Amy: Looks like we'll be spending a lot more time together, Fry! Leela: This sort of thing always happens with office romances. Zoidberg: Don't worry, Fry, we'll have your body all fixed up in a few days. Upsy daisy! Fry: Well, Amy, I'll try not to interfere with your life too much. Amy: Fry! Fry: Ooh, sorry. I guess I control that arm. Amy: So, what was it you wanted to talk about before we crashed anyway? Fry: Oh, that. Maybe we'd better talk in private. I'll meet you in the closet. Fry: Amy, I really like you, as a friend. But I think we're spending too much time together. Amy: You're breaking up with me? Fry: I just think we should start seeing other people. Amy: But, I was really having fun. If that's how you feel. Fry: I'm sorry, but it is. Amy: Well, whatever. Hey, listen, as long as we're not seeing each other, you mind if I ask someone else out for Valentine's Day? Fry: Huh? Amy: I mean, unless it would make you feel bad, being a third wheel. Fry: Hey, I can get a date too. Now that I'm single, I'll attract all sorts of women! Amy: With my body I think you might only attract one sort of woman. Fry: Oh! Oh! Leela: So, how's business? Bender: Are you familiar with my friend Al Gore? I'm tellin' you, losers get really desperate around Valentine's Day. Leela: Yeah, it's pathetic alright! How much? Bender: 500 bucks. Leela: Done. Bender: Zapp Brannigan OK? Leela: No! Bender: 600. Fry: Oh, hey, Leela, uh, can I talk to you for a minute? In private? Amy: Oh, no problem. Fry: This is an emergency. Amy made Valentine's plans with some goon and I'm gonna be stuck there, lonely and miserable. Will you be my date, please? Leela: You're too late, Fry. I'm sharing Valentine's Day with a very special man. He's not Zapp Brannigan or anything! Fry: Then I have no choice but to do something so pitiful and embarrassing that I'm ashamed to tell you about it. Leela: Bender's in his office. Fry: Thanks. Bender: I got your hook-up, Fry. Now, my usual fee's 500 bucks, but seeing as how it's you, I'll need it in advance. Amy: OK, Fry, we're done putting on the bra. Fry: Why exactly did you shave your legs anyway? Are you expecting something to happen with your Valentine's date? Amy: What business is it of yours? Fry: And another thing You're using an awful lot of make-up there. Amy: This is deodorant. Fry: What does it do? Amy: C'mon in, Gary! I'll just be another 20 minutes. Gary: I'll be waiting. Fry: 20 minutes? You're practically ready now! Amy: Yeah, but it's good to make them wait a little. Fry: Oh, God, it's true! Gary: That dress looks great on you. Amy: Thanks. Fry: Thanks. Where is she? Gary: I must say, Amy, you're all made up, just like Fry's date. Get it? Amy: Mm-mm. Fry: I've got a date. She'll be along any minute. Bender: Fry, look who I found! It's Petunia, your dream girl! Petunia: How's them eats? Fry: Uh- Petunia: Don't mind if I do. Kids'll be hungry. Fry: She seems a little old for me. Bender: She is well-travelled. And I don't mean she travels a lot! Petunia: Wheels fell off my house. Bender: Now how about a rose for the lady? Five bucks a pop! Gary: I'll take one. Fry: Oh, yeah? Well I want one too. Bender: Eight bucks. Fry: But you just said- Bender: Demand suddenly skyrocketed. You all saw it! Bender: Leela, meet your future husband Sal. Sal: Nice eyeball, eyeball. Leela: Nice ass, ass. Bender: Ooh, sparks! Buy her a rose, I guarantee she'll put out! Sal: Eh, I'll take my chances. Zapp: Cheers! "Woman": Cheers! Petunia: So tell me about your prospects. You a good gambler? Fry: Well, ma'am, I- Petunia: What's your game? Bingo? Keno? Wait a minute! You don't have your own body. Fry: No, but I control this arm. Petunia: Slots player, huh? Sorry, but I think I can do better. Fry: Wait, come back, uh, darling. Petunia: Can't, hon', I gotta catch my bus back to Nutley. I'd kiss you goodnight but I lost my teeth pulling out a stump. Sal: So anyways, Leela, I'd love to take a whack at ya but that 10 15 to Nutley ain't goin' nowheres without yours truly behinds the wheel. Petunia: Excuse me, did you say "10 15 to Nutley"? Sal: Why, yes I dids. Leela: Bender! Did you just round up our dates at the bus station? Bender: Of course not. Sal: Anybodys else for Nutley? Zapp: Baby, wait! You didn't show me your surprise. Gary: You know what I'd like to do...? Fry: Oh, jeez, get a room! Gary: Maybe later. Fry: Hey, I have an idea Let's all go out for ice cream. Gary: Actually, I thought Amy might like to come back to my place for coffee. Amy: I don't really like coffee. Gary: Neither do I. Amy: Ooh, I feel a little tipsy! Gary: Let me pick up the check. Fry: Nooo! That's it I'm gettin' the hell outta here. Ooh! Ow! Leela: Why, if it isn't my favourite head on Amy's body Fry. Fry: Oh, Leela! Amy: We were just on our way out. Leela: Nonsense, the evening's young. So, Gary, what do you do for a living? Gary: I'm a banking industry regulator. Leela: Really? Y'know, I heard that banking industry regulations are really very simple. Gary: Oh, no, that's not true. You see, modern banking regulations are a product of five different regulatory traditions. Six if you wanna get technical. Leela: Oh, I do. Gary: It all began in 1410 when a number of noblemen convened... Fry: Thank you. Zoidberg: There you are, good as new. Except for your dorsal fin. I'm afraid I couldn't find it after the crash. Fry: Can I live without it? Zoidberg: If you call that living. Farnsworth: I still don't understand why you wouldn't let me graft a laser cannon onto your chest. To crush those who disobey you. But I guess we're just two different people. Fry: So, uh, thanks for the ride, Amy. And I hope there are no hard feelings about your date, or stuff. Amy: It's OK, I had fun. And if I ever feel lonely I can just look over at this disfiguring scar and think of you. Fry: Well, anyway, it's nice to have my own body back. Leela: So how's the old corpse? Everything hooked up OK? Fry: Seems to be. My neck's just a little tender. Ow! Cool! Ow! Listen, Leela. Thanks for rescuing me last night. Leela: Anytime. I actually enjoyed hanging out with you. Bender: Yep, everything worked out great thanks to good old Bender. Leela: Come on! It's not like you intentionally set us up with bad dates so we'd spend Valentine's Day together. Bender: Didn't I, Leela? Didn't I? Leela: No! You didn't! You just corralled a bunch of stiffs at the bus station and pocketed our money! Bender: True. But in the end, isn't that what Valentine's Day is really all about? Leela: Yeah. Fry: I guess so. Watch the neck! Watch the neck! Bender: My ass! My beautiful ass!

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. I've taught the toaster to feel love. And Hermes returns from his vacation today. Hermes: Good morning, people. Fry: Hey, Hermes! Zoidberg: Hello! Leela: Good to see you. Farnsworth: Yo! Bender: My man! Amy: So how was the Spleef Nebula? Hermes: The flight had a stopover on the Brain Slug Planet. Hermes liked it so much he decided to stay of his own free will. Fry: Hermes has all the fun. Wait a second! He's got a Brain Slug on his head! Leela: Shh! You're gonna get us all assimilated! Amy: Just act normal and switch to a garlic shampoo. Hermes: On to new business. Today's mission is for all of you to go to the Brain Slug Planet. Zoidberg: What are we going to do there? Hermes: Just walk around not wearing a helmet. Farnsworth: Sounds great, Hermes! Whatever you say. Let's ditch him and go to the movies! Fry: Hey, yeah! Zoidberg: I'm seeing a movie with friends! Fry: Cool! Let's see this one! Leela: Nah. I'm not in the mood for a historical documentary. I've heard good things about Quizblorg, Quizblorg. Amy: Guk! I hate subtitles. Alien films are so pretentious. Zoidberg: Fellows! Fellows! How about a film we can all enjoy? Planet Of The Clams. It's about an upside-down world where lobster is slave to clam. Bender: Who invited you? Let's just see All My Circuits The Movie. Fry: Yeah, I wanna see that. Bender: Good point, Bender. Fry: I'll take a small Slurm. Refreshment-Bot: For only 25 cents less, you can get a super-small. Fry: Uh, OK. Oh, man! Bender: Hey, gimme a large diet malt liquor and a popcorn with extra motor oil. Farnsworth: Down in front! Announcer: Glagnar's Human Rinds presents This Week In The Universe. Fry: Ooh, this is real futuristic! Crow T. Robot: Shh! Don't talk during the movie. Announcer: This week in the universe New New York mayor C. Randall Poopenmeyer opens a new tube line to alleviate rush hour traffic. Dateline Paramecium Homeworld. Newly-crowned Miss Universe Gladice Lennox entertains troops fighting to wipe out the human race. Go get 'em, boys! And in the world of Ultimate Robot Fighting, the Masked Unit wins his championship bout against Gorgeous Gonks by technical melting. Bender: Go, Masked Unit! Uh, hey, buddy! Yo! You mind taking your head off? Robot: I'm sorry, sir, but I need it to watch the movie. Bender: Just ask Flabby over here to describe it to you later. Robot: Sir, she is as the factory made her. Bender: Well they should have stopped making her about halfway through. Fembot: Whee! Calculon: Well, that finishes this paperwork. Calculon Enterprises. Monique: Calculon, a fight scene has broken out at the special effects warehouse. Come quickly before a fiery explosion chases someone down a hallway. Calculon: I have no choice but to- Mr. Moviefone: If you want Calculon to race to the laser gun battle in his hover-Ferarri, press 1. If you want Calculon to double-check his paperwork, press 2. Enter now. Mr. Moviefone: You have pressed 2. Fry: No, I didn't! Mr. Moviefone: I'm almost positive you did. Calculon: Add in the carryover from form 16A, then deduct line 2B... Robot: Pardon me, sir, but you seem to be inadvertently kicking my seat. Bender: "Pardon me, sir, but you seem to be bleh, bleh..." Robot: Yes, that's the gist of what I said. Would you mind? Bender: Sure thing, pal. Robot: Uh, sir? Bender: Who threw that? Robot: That's it! Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs! Bender: Oh, I'm boned. Hattie: Let's all go to the lobby! Robot: I'm gonna open a file of whup-ass on you! Leela: Bender, do you know who that was? Man #1: Cripes! The Masked Unit! You knocked him out cold. Man #2: I'm impressed. Doubledeal: Son, I'm the commissioner of Ultimate Robot Fighting. I'm a connoisseur of jerks like you who pick fights in movie theatres and you're the biggest I've ever seen. Bender: You should see me at funerals. Doubledeal: Kid, I want you in the Ultimate Robot Fighting League. Bender: Ultimate Robot Fighting? Sounds pleasant! I'll do it. Flabby: My hero! Farnsworth: Aw. They don't make movies like this anymore. Bender: I'm gonna be the greatest Ultimate Robot Fighter ever. Float like a floatbot, sting like an automatic stinging machine! Amy: Bender, you can't be an Ultimate Robot Fighter. It's the most brutal form of competition in the galaxy! Bender: It is? Farnsworth: There are no rules. Two robots enter, one robot leaves. Then later the other robot leaves after being declared the winner. Bender: Well, that doesn't sound so bad. Farnsworth: Oh, did I mention the crippling, agonising pain? I'm pretty sure I did. Oh, yes, definitely. Bender: Crippling pain? That's not covered by my insurance fraud! Count me out. Leela: No! You've got to do it. I don't care how suicidal it is. Fry: Hey! How come when I wanna do fun stuff that'll kill me you're against it? Leela: This is more important than that marble-eating contest, Fry! It's about pride. Let me tell you a story from my childhood. Zoidberg: Oh, again with the orphanarium! Leela: When I was growing up at the orphanarium, I got picked on a lot. Leela: My only outlet was Arcturan Kung Fu. Fnog: Excellent. Bill, Keith, you will go to Junior Championships. Bill, congratulate Keith when he regains consciousness. Leela: But, Master Fnog, I can beat these dorks with one eye closed. Fnog: Perhaps. But there is more to winning than beating your opponent. You lack the will of the warrior. Leela: What do you mean? Watch this! Bill: Ow! Fnog: No girl has the will of a warrior. You have the will of a housewife or, at best, the schoolmarm. Leela: That's it. I'll take you on right now. Fnog: Very well. But, you see, I have the will of the warrior. Therefore, the battle is already over. The winner? Me! Rematch? You lose again! Had enough? I thought so! Leela: I lost my chance to be a champion. I won't let you throw away yours. Bender: Leela's right! I don't wanna end up a loser like her. Count me back in! Leela: Let's see what you got. Touch your toes. Bender: Still ... can't ... reach! Bender: Let's commence preparations for rumbling! Referee: Ladies and gentlemen and smizmars, welcome to tonight's main event. In this corner, from Mom's Friendly Robot Factory in America's heartland, Mexico Bender! And in this corner, from and made of Parts Unknown The Clearcutter! Fry: Bender rules! Hermes: I got you an official Bender hat. Fry: Wow! Thanks, Hermes! I- Hey! Cut that out! Bender: You can't hit what you can't see! Leela: Get up, Bender. You can't quit every time you get an axe in the back. Or a drill through your face. Now quit scratching your axe-hole and get out there. Bender: Huh? Referee: And the winner is ... Bender! Doubledeal: Nice work out there, kid. Bender: Y'know, I think I he might be dead. I took a life! Clearcutter: Hi, boss. Yo, dude! Bender: Hey, he's not dead. What's up with that? Doubledeal: What, you didn't read the pamphlet? Ultimate Robot Fighting's a scam, kid. It's rigged. It's a secret, so keep it under your head, but the most popular robot always wins. Bender: You mean I'm not a great fighter? I just won 'cause I'm popular? Doubledeal: Bingo! Bender: Woo-hoo! I'm popular! Doubledeal: In fact, you're more than popular, you're pure lowest common denominator. Bender: Go Bender! Go Bender! Go Bender! Referee: Presenting Bender the Offender! Bender: I'm just an ex-con trying to go straight and get my kids back. Referee: Versus ... Billionairebot! Referee: Versus The Foreigner! Foreigner: I'm not from here! I have my own customs! Look at my crazy passport! Referee: Versus ... The Chain Smoker! Chain Smoker: I love smoking. And after I win the fight I'm heading straight to your favourite restaurant. Bender: You know, I'm also an Ultimate Robot Lover. Leela: Bender! You're three hours late. You can't give up on your training now after both of us worked so hard. Bender: What do you mean, "we"? Leela: I said "us". Bender: Hey, Bender the Offender doesn't need you. Bender the Offender doesn't need anybody! Fembot #1: What about us, Mr. The Offender? Bender: Well obviously I need floozies! Let's roll! Bender: Howdy, chief. For my next bout, what do you say I fight these two bimbos in some mud? Doubledeal: Actually, we've decided to go in a different direction. Bender: What if I told your we wouldn't be fighting in the conventional sense? Doubledeal: Bender, your popularity is slipping. Foreigner: Sales of your Bender Brand French milk bath soaps are down 20%. Bender: Those morons! I said pea berry, not sandalwood! Doubledeal: Damnit, Bender! If you can't move sandalwood, you don't belong in this league! That's why you're gonna lose next week's title match. Bender: But the crowd loves me. Doubledeal: Perhaps. But let's see how they feel about your new persona The Gender Bender. Billionairebot: You'll be the most unpopular robot fighter since Sergeant Faeces Processor. Bender: Oh, yeah? Well what if I don't let the new guy win? Doubledeal: Then he'll just have to beat you the old-fashioned way To death! Melissa, send in the new kid. Destructor: I am Destructor! Bender: See you at the fight. Bender: So then I said, "See you at the fight." And that's the story. Fry: Man, I thought Ultimate Robot Fighting was real, like pro wrestling. But it turns out it's fixed, like boxing. Bender: It's one thing to win a fixed fight; there's dignity in that. But to lose? And in this atrocity? I can't do it! Leela, you gotta train me to win. Leela: No way! If you wouldn't take my help when you didn't need it, why should I give it to you now when you do need it? Farnsworth: What the hell are you talking about? Leela: I don't know. But I'm not helping. Announcer: You loved him as Bender the Offender! Now get ready to hate him as he threatens your sexuality in his new persona ... The Gender Bender! Bender: I'm a real toughie! Announcer: Squaring off this Sunday versus Destructor! Destructor: I will destroy you! And stop calling me! Fnog: I am Destructor's trainer, Master Fnog. My pupil will be victorious for he has the will of a warrior! Leela: Not Fnog! Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm gonna teach you to fight like a girl! Bender: I'll put on my tutu! "Cosell": Hello and welcome to a remarkable championship bout. Destructor, a robotic armoured tank, whose very use at battle has been ruled a war crime, versus Gender Bender, who wears a pink tutu. This is Rich Little, imitating Howard Cosell, here at ringside with George Foreman. George, a word in edgewise? Foreman: This could be the most one-sided fight since 1973 when Ali faced an 80-foot tall mechanical Joe Frazier. M-My memory's not what it used to be but I think the entire Earth was destroyed. Little: Interesting, if true. The Vegas odds tonight stand at an unprecedented 1000-0; a bet of $0 on Bender pays $1000 if he wins. Still, very few takers. Foreman: It's not-not a smart bet. Leela: According to the script, you're supposed to prance out and tickle him with your fairy wand. Instead, I want you to prance out and kick his head off! Bender: Got it. Large kickle, hold the tickle! Hermes: Thank God I'm free of that nightmare! Bender: Sorry, buddy. Here you go! Hermes: Thank you. It was cold down there on the floor. Amy: Here, Professor, I got you a programme. Farnsworth: Oh, good. Just let me put on my reading glasses. Why, Zoidberg, there's a lovely photo of you in here. Referee: In this corner, the confused young robot with the golden curls. Weighing 525lbs The Gender Bender! Zapp: Boo! Nixon: Get that hippie out of the ring! Referee: And in these two corners, weighing 400 tons, the gizmo from Pismo ... Beach, Destructor! Fnog: So, we meet again. Most amusing Girl who acts like fighter training fighter who acts like girl. Leela: Keep laughing, Fnog! Ready, Bender? Bender: I was born ready! Gimme the bell! Did you hear a noise? Final boarding call for flight 406, non-stop service to pain. Now boarding standby passengers- Foreman: This seems like as good a time as any time to bring up my new grill for no reason. With its patented design, the fat drains directly into my mouth. Bender: Fry! Throw in the towel! For God's sakes, Fry! Hermes: That's exactly what I was thinking. Bender: Mommy! Leela: OK, Fnog, that's enough. Call him off. Fnog? Hmm. Bender: Why won't anyone help me? Leela: So, once more we meet again. Fnog: Huh? Leela: You didn't train Destructor. You're just controlling him like a puppet. I mean, cheating in a fake fight. That's low! Fnog: Better than being a girl. Like you. You're a girl! Leela: Oh, right. Girls lack the will of the warrior! Bender: Huh? It's bendering time! Take this. And this! Fnog: You were an excellent student. Too bad I was a lousy teacher! Bender: I think you misunderstood the concept of "bendering time"! Fnog: See you in girl hell. I'll be in boy hell - much nicer! Leela: Yes! Bender: Yes! Oh! Referee: And the winner is Destructor! Little: I've not seen a spectacle of this nature in all my years impersonating a sportscaster. Foreman: It sure was some fight. Interesting side note As a head without a body, I envy the dead. Little: No argument here. Fry: Bender? How did the fight go? I heard somebody got flattened! Amy: Fry, where's your Brain Slug? Farnsworth: Poor little guy starved to death. Leela: I'm proud of you, Bender. Sure, you lost. You lost bad. But the important thing is I beat up someone who hurt my feelings in high school. Bender: I'm in tremendous pain here. Doubledeal: Great job, kid. You lost and you made it look almost half real. I want you to have this card good for 10% off at Bed Bath & Beyond. Bender: Yes! I'm the greatest! The greatest! Little: And so ends the chronicle of one of the greatest ever to play the sport. Foreman: And he didn't look half bad in the tutu. Little: That he did surely not. Foreman: What?

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Several years ago I tried to log on to AOL, and it just went through. Whee! We're online! Farnsworth: Go ahead, get into these net suits. I designed and tested them myself. Leela: They smell like burning Rhesus Monkey. Farnsworth: Really? I guess when you're around it all day you stop noticing. Off you go. Fry: Hey! Bender: Behold The Internet! Fry: My God! It's full of ads! Leela: Follow me! Fry: It's immense. Leela: It's got every piece of information anyone could ever want. Fry: So I see! Zoidberg: What? What's going on here? Amy: Hey, that's me! Bender: No, it isn't. I just took some pictures of your face and stuck them on someone else's body. Leela: Hey! Doorman: Are you over 18? Young Boy: Yes. Younger Boy: Yes. Bender: I'm telling you, Fry, they've got a chatroom for everybody. And here it is. Amy: Ew, that is so gross! Leela: Yeah. I'll stick with this one, thank you. Amy: Yeah. Bender: Hi, I'm a naughty nurse and I really need someone to talk to. $9.95 a minute. Man: Ooh, you're a dollar naughtier than most. Bender: So how 'bout them Knicks? Nerd #1: Hello? Are there any girls in this room at all? Nerd #2: Yeah, bring on the hot chicks 'cause I'm a hot stud. Nerd #3: Yeah! So are we! Leela: I'm a woman, if that's what you mean. I don't like to play games, so I'll just say I'm a cyclops, I'm a spaceship captain, I'm the only one of my species and I'm interested in meeting a man. Nerd #4: A woman! I'm scared. Fry: Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence? Bender: Is the Space Pope reptilian? Hermes: Get ready for fun, Fry. Nowadays, we have a type of game played entirely on video. Leela: We call it a "video game". Fry: Uh, "video game" you say? Well, golly gee, you mighty spacemen of the future will have to show me how it works. Zoidberg: The doctor is in! The doctor is out! Holo-Farnsworth: Everyone, please sign off. We have a delivery. Plus I have to use the phone- Leela, please tell the others that- Leela: Who are you? Cyclops: I saw you in the chat room but you left before I had a chance to talk to you. After all these years of searching for another Cyclops. Leela: I can't believe it. I've dreamed of this moment all my life. Cyclops: Do you think perhaps you and I- Leela: Fry, you idiot. Ever since I was abandoned on Earth I've been searching for who my people are and where they come from. Then I finally meet another Cyclops and you blast him. You wrecked my one chance to learn who I am! Fry: Oh, Leela, I feel terrible. If there's anything I can ever do- Gotcha! I won! I'm the greatest! Leela: Come on. We have work to do. Fry: Are you still mad at me for wrecking your once-in-a-lifetime chance to learn the meaning of your existence? Leela: No, I'm just happy you were able to win a video game. Now let's concentrate on getting this desperately-needed popcorn to the people of Cineplex 14, OK? Operator: Leela, you've got mail! It's not spam. Leela: Huh? It's him! Cyclops: To Leela. Subject Hello. I am Alcazar. Fortunately I wrote down your screenname before I was dispatched by that oafish moron. Fry: Kicked your ass! Alcazar: Leela, we have much to discuss. Please come join me on the planet of your birth. Co-ordinates follow. Fry: Well, too bad we gotta make that urgent popcorn delivery. Leela: It'll get there. Leela: After a whole life of searching, I may finally have found where I belong. Bender: Too bad it's a dump. Leela: Look at that statue. It's only got one eye. Fry: Lazy sculptor! Alcazar: Welcome home, Leela. Leela: Alcazar? Are you real? Or am I seeing single? Alcazar: Ow! Of course I'm real. Leela: After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy carpenter or, uh, a kid with a BB gun. Alcazar: It's alright, Leela. You'll never be alone again. Come, let me introduce you to yourself. Do you mind if your servants walk? Leela: Not at all! Alcazar: We are the last remaining Cyclopses. Our planet is Cyclopia. This is the capital, Cyclops City. Stop me if I'm going too fast for you. Leela: There's so much information and yet somehow I feel as if I know it all already. Alcazar: This sacred mosaic depicts our goddess of beauty. Fry: Hmm, you got any sacred artwork of her from the back? Alcazar: Her perfect eye reminds me of yours, Leela. Had our race survived, you would have been a temple priestess or a supermodel. Leela: Oh, please! Really? Alcazar: And there's the infamous pirate, Purple Beard, scourge of the six seas. Fry: What's over that hill? Alcazar: The Forbidden Valley. A holy sanctuary where no one may tread. Fry: Is that anything like a cemetery 'cause I gotta take a leak. Ow! Leela: Fry, that's offensive to our people. Isn't it? Fry: Ow! Alcazar: This is my home. I hope you don't think less of me because I live in a giant castle. Leela: Oh, no, not at all. If anything, I'm more impressed. Bender: Ooh! I'm gonna need to make some room. Alcazar: In here is where I dream my lonely dreams and cook my simple meals. Leela: It's all so sad. What happened to our people? Alcazar: It's too painful to speak of now. Come, I'll show you your quarters. Bender: Ow! Ow! Ow! Leela: I heard you from my room. What's wrong? Alcazar: Nothing. It's just- No, Leela. I don't want to see tears in your perfect eye. Leela: Please, is it about the fate of our people? Because I'm very interested in that. Alcazar: Well, OK. But it's chilly and you're going to be all wet from the tears. Let's go into my chamber. Alcazar: It wasn't long ago. Our people were happy and prosperous ... ... but the eyeless mole people of Subterra 3 grew jealous of our visual prowess. They fired missile in all directions hoping to hit Cyclopia. Unfortunately, one of the 40 planets hit, was ours. Cyclopian Man #1: How far away do you think it is? Cyclopian Man #2: A trillion miles? Alcazar: Things got hot. You look a little hot, actually. You can take off that jacket. Our people don't like to be hot. Anyway, just before the impact... Alcazar: Our smartest scientists managed to save one baby. Leela: Alcazar, I used to be a baby, it might have been me! Alcazar: Fortunately, I was employed as a pool cleaner at the time and, when I emerged from retrieving a dead possum, I found I was the only one left. Leela: It's so tragic. Alcazar: Yes, but the real tragedy is that our race ends with us. Leela: It doesn't have to. Alcazar: What do you mean? Leela: You're a male and I'm a female. Alcazar: I'm still not following you. Leela: Wake up, my king. Alcazar: Oh, jeez, what a night. Make me some coffee, would you. Leela: Uh, sure, OK. What do you take with that? Alcazar: Pancakes and sausage. Kitchen's in the basement, pans are in the attic. Leela: Maybe after breakfast we can talk about rebuilding our civilisation. Fry: Mmm! Great pancakes, Leela. Alcazar: Yeah, they'll come in handy if I need to cover any tiny manholes. Listen, hon', we don't want to look like slobs in front of the other species, do we? Leela: No. Alcazar: So get to work on these dishes. And then organise my collection of naked celebrity photos by name and what you can see. Leela: Look, Alcazar- Alcazar: Call me Al. Leela: Look, Al. I know you've been living alone a long time and I can sympathise, but I'm not your maid. Alcazar: You're right, I'm sorry. I guess the relationship isn't going to work. So much for the Cyclops race. I thought it was a pretty good race but, uh- Leela: OK, OK, I'll do the dishes. Hey, where'd they go? Bender: Ah, Leela's experiencing the greatest joy a woman can feel Worshipping some low-life jerk. Fry: He may be some low-life jerk but I don't trust him. I think he's hiding something and I'm gonna find out what it is. Fry: Try and stop me! Leela: Al? I did my hair the way you wanted it. Who are these people? Alcazar: Friends. Leela: Hey, where'd you get this couch and that TV set and all this stuff? Alcazar: They were giving it away on the street corner. Just like you, Leela! Leela: Too bad they weren't giving away the three things you actually need Mouthwash, a back wax and stain-proof underwear. Rat Woman: You go, girl! Alcazar: By the way, your pal Fry fell into the dungeon. Take him a taco so he doesn't die and stink up the place. Leela: Come on, Al, can't you let the little guy out? Alcazar: Jeez, Leela, twice in one day? I'm not Superman! Leela: Why were you sneaking into my people's forbidden valley? Fry: 'Cause I think Alcazar's hiding something from you. Listen, Leela, you may not like it, you may not believe it, you may not wanna hear it but Alcazar's a jerk. He's bad for you. He- Leela: I know. Fry: You do? Leela: Fry, if it's obvious to you with your learning disability then of course it's obvious to me. He's crude and gross and he treats me like a slave. Fry: Then dump his one-eyed ass. Leela: I can't. If I leave Alcazar, that's the end of the Cyclops race. And I won't let that happen. Even if it means a lifetime of unhappiness. Alcazar: Leela! Mop up in aisle number two! Leela: I'll break up with him at dinner. Fry: I'll be there. Alcazar: Yo, Leela, what gives? Pig says your slop tastes like crap. Pig: Yeah. Like crap. Fry: C'mon, Leela, you deserve better than this guy. Dump him already! Leela: I'm trying. Alcazar: Hey, everyone, jam a sock in your spit faucets. Not long ago I spent my lonely nights renting slasher flicks with Rat Man and his girlfriend. But then a beautiful woman arrived and- Stop eating, Pig! And she brought new hope for me and our once great civilisation. Now a million centuries of Cyclops destiny depend on the answer to one question. Leela, will you marry me? Fry: No! No! Leela: Yes! I will! Rat Woman: They're getting married! Amy: Congratulations, Leela! Zoidberg: Hello. Hermes: Oh, this is great! Leela: Glad you could make it. Bender: It's a magical day. Fry: Welcome! Fry: Psst, Leela. You've gotta get me out of here. It's horrible! Eating scraps, letting my waste drop wherever it falls like an animal in the zoo. Leela: Animals go in the corner. Fry: The corner! Why didn't I think of that? Leela: Look, Fry, I'd like to help you but it's my wedding and I'm kind of busy. Here. Try to be happy for me. That way at least one of us will be. Fry: That's it! It's time for this bird to walk. Fry: Bender, come on. We've gotta get some dirt on Alcazar. Let's go and find out what makes the Forbidden Valley so forbidden. Bender: Uh, no, thanks. I'm good. Fry: But there's probably some cool forbidden stuff you can steal. Bender: I don't know, Fry. For the first time in my life I feel like I've stolen enough. Fry: Bender, snap out of it! Bender: Sorry, I don't know what came over me. Let's go. I love stealing, I love taking things! Zoidberg: That pig over there is wearing the same sandals as me. Fry: Come on, boy, jump! Good boy! Bender: Whoa, Mittens! Fry: My God! Four identical castles! Bender: Each more identical than the last! Fry: That's weird. It's another Cyclops, only this one has five eyes. Bender: And here's another one with no eyes. Preacherbot: Does anyone have a reason why this couple shall not be joined in the irrevocable shackles of holy bliss? Farnsworth: Saving a race of one-eyed monsters? Who could object to that? Alcazar: Cut to the chase, Preach! Preacherbot: Do you, Alcazar ... ... take this woman before you ... to love ... in sickness ... do you part? Alcazar: Yeah, sure I do. Come on, faster! Preacherbot: Do you, Leela, copy and paste his response till death do you part? Leela: I ... d- Amy: Oh, my God! Alcazar: What the-? Fry: Hey, Alcazar, you left somebody off the guest list. Five-Eyed Woman: Alcazar, why you are so late for our wedding? And why you have only one eye? Alcazar: It ... ooh, uh! Hey, sweetie. Just go back to the castle and wait for me. She- She's nuts. I can morph into a five-eyed alien and I kinda said I'd marry her. But I'm really a Cyclops and I'm really going to marry you. Fry: Oh, yeah? Then what about this? Alcazar: This is a bit awkward. Five-Eyed Woman: Who's she? Leela: Who's she? Sandy: Who are they? Alcazar: Go back to the castle, Sandy. Fry: And maybe you'd like to meet her. And her. Alcazar: Leela, this must all be very confusing. Leela: A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it. Sandy: Show us your real form! Leela: Yeah! Alien #2: Do it! Alcazar: Well, this is the real me. But I can explain We all have needs. Mine was to make it with five weirdos and have them scrub my five castles. I gave you all what you wanted and of course I made a few bucks letting Pig watch through the two-way mirror. Can any of you say you wouldn't have done the exact same thing in my position? Bender: He's a saint! Leela: But why did you have all five weddings on the same day? Alcazar: Hey, lady, you got any idea what it costs to rent a tux that changes shape? Leela: Alright, Alcazar, I just have one last question for you. Alcazar: What's that? Leela: If you can change form, why didn't you change it in the one place that counts? Leela: Thanks for saving me from that creep, Fry. Fry: Hey, that's what I do. Leela: I guess I was so desperate to find out who I really was, I forgot who I really was. Farnsworth: No harm done. In the many decades you'll work to repay me for that shipment of popcorn you destroyed, you'll have plenty of time to search for your true home. Leela: Yeah. I mean, how many planets can there be?

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! The university is bringing me up on disciplinary charges. Wait, that's not good news at all. Leela: Whatever you did, Professor, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation. Farnsworth: Yes, but they won't listen. Everyone's always in favour of saving Hitler's brain but when you put it in the body of a great white shark, ooh, suddenly you've gone too far. Vernon: Professor Farnsworth, do you know why we've called you here today? Farnsworth: Listen to me, you pompous frauds. If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me. Dean Vernon, I know the truth It was you driving your hover-car that night, not your horse. Dean Epsilon, I know all about your "Department of Pool Boy Studies". And Dr. Wernstrom ... Wernstrom! Vernon: Actually, Professor, we merely called you here to say... Surprise! Man #1: Surprise! Man #2: Happy birthday! Hermes: Surprise! Farnsworth: And you, Coach Smalley, or should I say "Coach hairpiece"? Leela: No, Professor! It's a surprise party for your 150th birthday. Farnsworth: Hundred and ... what? Ooh! Bender: Good evening, I'm- Whoa, sorry. I'm Bender and I'll be emceeing this roast. Y'know, they say you can judge a man by the company he keeps. So here's the Professor's oldest friend, a grotesque, stinking lobster. Zoidberg: Good evening, ladies and germs. That wasn't a joke, I was talking to Dean Streptococcus. Now, I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you consider his age, he's likely to die soon. Hey, Ringo, that was the joke. Oh, it's Showtime at the Apollo all over again. Bender: Where would the Professor be without students who love and respect him? Right there! But seriously, of all the former crew members of the Professor's delivery ship, our next speaker is by far the most alive. Captain Musky? Zoidberg: I wouldn't wanna follow that guy! Bender: And now, a man who needs no introduction. Fry, get up there! Fry: Oh. Thank you. Y'know, when I was first asked to make a film about my nephew, Professor Farnsworth, I thought "Why should I?" Then later Leela made the film. But if I had made the film, you could bet there would have been a lot more topless women on motorcycles! Roll film! Leela: Hubert J. Farnsworth was born April 9th 2851 in New New York's nerdiest slum, Hell's Laboratory. A precocious child, young Hubert learned to read while he was still in diapers - at age 8. And before long he blossomed into a greasy teenager. Fry: Dork alert! Leela: After 14 years of graduate school, Farnsworth settled into the glamorous life of a scientist Fast cars, trendy nightspots, beautiful women - the Professor designed them all working out of his tiny, one-room apartment. For 50 years he worked at Mom's Friendly Robot Company, where he created the first robot capable of qualifying for a boat loan. And even as he nears his 150th birthday, the Professor retains the fiery passion of youth. Farnsworth: Listen, you pompous frauds. If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me. Bender: How 'bout a few words, Professor? Farnsworth: Eh, wha? Bender: I said "words". Farnsworth: Uh, what a pleasure it is to see my lifetime of accomplishment summed up in a 3-minute film. My best years are behind me. So much left undone. So little time. Bender: Funny, funny stuff. Farnsworth: My life is over. Leela: No, it isn't. You have another 10 years left. Fry: Leela! He could live another 100 years! Leela: No, he couldn't. When you turn 160, robots from the Sunset Squad take you to a mysterious planet and you never return. Fry: Wow, a whole planet of old people. Where is it? Bender: Nobody knows! Farnsworth: So many loves half-loved, so many inventions half-invented. That damn time machine alone set me back 15 years. Zoidberg: If only it'd worked, you could go back and not waste your time on it. Farnsworth: There's no one to carry on after I'm gone. No one to take care of my work and my research and my fabulous fortune. By God, that's it! I've got to name a successor. Fry: A successor? Zoidberg: A successor to the Professor? Farnsworth: There's no time to lose. I'm off to my lab to build a successor-naming machine! Fry: Man, the Professor's been in his lab for days. Bender: I hope he didn't die. Unless he left a note naming me his successor. Then I hope he did die. Zoidberg: You? The successor? Over my empty shell! The Professor will pick me. Only I have his lobster-like tenacity. Hermes: Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams things. The only sensible way to choose a successor is with a limbo contest. Leela: What? Hermes: Kingston rules. Two men go down, one come up. Leela: Look, the Professor trusts me with a giant spaceship. He wouldn't trust the rest of you with his dentures. Amy: Yesh, he would. Fry: Sorry, everyone, but need I remind you? Blood is thicker than water. Zoidberg: Blood ... thicker ... water. Farnsworth: Everyone, I have a very dramatic announcement. So anyone with a weak heart should leave now. Goodbye. Leela: Uh, Professor? Farnsworth: Oh, oh, yes, the announcement! As you all know, I am not long for this world. Leela: Yes, we know. Hermes: True, mon. Amy: Buh! Fry: One foot in the grave. Farnsworth: So I've picked my successor. It's someone in whom I have great faith - even though his mind is undeveloped and he's accomplished nothing. My closest living relative. Fry: Oh, yeah! Farnsworth: My clone, Cubert Farnsworth. Zoidberg: He's horrible! Fry: Crud. Can I at least be in charge of your dentures? Amy: You wish! Fry: Where did Cubert come from? Farnsworth: 12 years ago I began the cloning process by removing some skin cells from one of the shapelier growths on my back. Leela: Wait. If he's your clone, why doesn't his nose look like yours? Farnsworth: I left him in his first tube too long and he got squished up against the side. Bender: Is he dumb or just ugly? Farnsworth: Let's find out. Cubert: What? You've never seen a genius's wiener before? Zoidberg: No. Leela: Never. Fry: Well, once in the park. Zoidberg: Mmm! Cubert: As long as I'm going to be in charge here, let me examine my so-called "crew", if it can so be called. First of all, Dr. Zoidberg, do you even have a medical degree? Zoidberg: I lost it ... in a volcano. Cubert: And why do we need a bending robot around here anyway? What possible use do we have for you? Bender: Uh ... me no speaka the English. Cubert: And why does our space pilot have only one eye? There's someone I'd like you to meet. His name is depth perception! Leela: Why, you little- Cubert: Wow, that hurt - the air! Bender: Im pending para un bending! Farnsworth: Oh, Cubert, come in here. I have something amazing to show you. Cubert: What is it? A competent employee? I doubt that very much! Fry: Little twerp. Bender: Aye, Chihuahua! Farnsworth: As my successor, I'm trusting you to carry on my work. These are just some of the half-finished inventions you'll spend your life finishing. Cubert: I didn't realise you were the inventor of the junk heap. Farnsworth: That's my prize-winning Smellescope. If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won't be out of the loop. And this is my universal translator. Unfortunately so far it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language. Cubert: Hello. Universal Translator: Bonjour! Farnsworth: Crazy gibberish! Cubert: Don't you have any worthwhile inventions? Farnsworth: Why, certainly. Step over here. Farnsworth: These are the dark matter engines I invented. They allow my starship to travel between galaxies in mere hours. Cubert: That's impossible. You can't go faster than the speed of light. Farnsworth: Of course not. That's why scientists increased the speed of light in 2208. Cubert: Also impossible. Farnsworth: And what makes my engines truly remarkable is the afterburner which delivers 200% fuel efficiency. Cubert: That's especially impossible. Farnsworth: Not at all. It's very simple. Cubert: Then explain it. Farnsworth: Now that's impossible. It came to me in a dream and I forgot it in another dream. Cubert: Your explanations are pure weapons-grade bolog-nium. It's all impossible. Farnsworth: Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being is a scientist is all about. Cubert: No, that's what being a magical elf is all about. Bender: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It's Elzar, the TV chef! Oh, kill me now, people! Elzar: How we doing here? Bender: Oh, Elzar, everything's so good! Elzar: What are you, an ass-kissing machine? Bender: Yes, sir! Good one, sir! Farnsworth: Oh, it's a gem of an evening. I feel so wonderful having someone to take over my life's work. And it's all thanks to Cubert. Cubert: Look, Professor, I may be identical to you in every possible way but that doesn't mean I'm anything like you. Farnsworth: You ... wha? Cubert: I don't wanna be an inventor. I wanna be something useful like a teacher's aide or a prison guard or a science-fiction cartoon writer. Farnsworth: But-But what about my hopes and my dreams and my wonderful inventions? Cubert: In your entire life your only half-decent invention was me and I didn't turn out like you wanted either. Elzar: You folks still doing alright? Bender: Oh, yes, Elzar. Elzar: Good, 'cause it turns out I forgot to cook that chicken. Farnsworth: Bad news, everyone. By the time you watch this tape, I'll be gone, leaving behind me nothing but a history of failure and my original hip-bones. You see, I've been lying about my age; I'm not actually 150, I'm 160. Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth. And now that I have nothing to live for, I've alerted the Sunset Squad robots to take me away. Farnsworth: Goodbye, cruel world. Goodbye, cruel lamp. Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin ... ... and the cute little pom-pom curtain pull cords, cruel though they may be a- Farnsworth: And now that I've nothing to live for, I've alerted the Sunset Squad robots to take me away. Amy: What? Hermes: Oh, no! Zoidberg: Oh. Farnsworth: I know you're all very upset, especially Bender. Bender: Well, life goes on. Except for you! Farnsworth: I'm sure that Bender has just made a cutting remark, but he doesn't know I taped over his soap operas to record this message. Bender: You bastard! Fry: We've gotta get him back. Cubert: Impossible! No one knows where they take those old geezers. Fry: Nothing is impossible. You'd know that if you really took after the Professor, like I do. Cubert: You're his uncle, dummy. He takes after you. Fry: Uh ... what? Cubert: Wait a second. That means I also take after you! Leela: Quiet. I think I know how to find the Professor. Bender: Lay it on us, big boots. Leela: If the Smellescope can pick up the Professor's odour, we may have a chance to save him. Cubert: I think not. As you probably already don't know, odours are made up of particles that can't travel through the vacuum of space. Leela: I'm zeroing in on him. BENGAY ... mothballs ... ... letters to the editor. It's the Professor! Bender: To the flying machine! Fry: To the left! No, to the up! U-turn! U-turn! Cubert: We'll never find this place. Robots are very good at keeping secrets. Bender: No, we're not, you little bed-wetter. Oops! I'm sorry. Leela: There it is! The Near-Death Star! Leela: OK, we'll tell them the Professor escaped and we're bringing him back. Fry, you'll have to dress up like a 160-year-old man. Fry: I'm on it! Cubert: My God, the illusion is so perfect I almost forgot I was looking at an idiot! Leela: Now, they may ask for a DNA sample. Fry: I'd like to see them find it! Cubert: This plan is impossible. We don't even have a sample of the Professor's DNA. Bender: I think I know where to get some. Cubert: Why do I have to be the hump? Fry: 'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart. Leela: Your Medicare dollars at work. Barrierbot #1: Halt! Identify this guest. Leela: Uh, this is Professor Hubert Farnsworth. He escaped. Barrierbot #1: Escaped? No one escapes. Barrierbot #2: This guest does not look 160. Fry: What? I'm old. Listen Hey, you kids, get off the lawn! Barrierbot #1: Hmm, it is true old people are often concerned that there are children on their lawns. Barrierbot #2: There's no denying that. But we'll still need to verify his identity with a DNA sample. Bender: Got a hot, steaming batch right here! Barrierbot #2: We only needed one cell! Bender: Eh, keep the change, buddy. Cubert: Stupid robot. Barrierbot #1: Did your hump just say something? Fry: Uh ... I-I've got talking hump syndrome. Barrierbot #1: Ah, T.H.S. Barrierbot #2: Identity confirmed. Return this shambling shuffle-boarder to his room. Barrierbot #1: 7152 Maple Drive. Leela: Sounds nice. Barrierbot #1: Prepare to be surprised. Fry: So this is where they stick old people. It's horrific! Leela: At least it keeps them from driving. Leela: Brace yourself for the worst. Bender: And yet he looks so natural. Cubert: What's happening? Leela: He's hooked up to a life-support system. We have to disconnect him very, very carefully, or the shock could kill him. Guardbot #1: Freeze! Seize them! Guardbot #2: Seize them! Guardbot #3: Seize them! Guardbot #4: Seize them! Guardbot #1: Get them- I mean seize them! Guardbot #2: Aww, I'm so bad at this! Guardbot #3: Uh-oh! Leela: We're probably gonna make it, but we might not. Cubert: It's impossible! We'll never fit. Fry: Will too! Cubert: Told you. Fry: Come on, Leela! Step your big boot down on the gas pedal. Leela: They've blown out one of our engines! Fry: Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Leela: Only the Professor knows how to fix it. We have to wake him up. Fry: Try shocking him. Bender: Your social security cheque is late! Stuff costs more than it used to! Young people use curse words! Fry: Damnit, we'll have to fix the engine ourself. Leela: We can't, you bastard! No one knows how it works. It's impossible! Cubert: Nothing is impossible. I understand how the engines work now. It came to me in a dream. The engines don't move the ship at all. The ship stays where it is and the engines move the universe around it. Bender: That's a complete load. Cubert: Nothing's a complete load. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about. Right, Professor? Let's ride! Cubert: Good news, everyone! He's made a complete recovery. Amy: Yeah! Hermes: Wow! Leela: All right! Farnsworth: I'm as spry as a 140-year-old. See? I only broke one ankle. Fry: So what were they doing to you in that awful drawer? Farnsworth: Oh, they had me hooked up to a bizarre virtual world that seemed absolutely real. Amy: What was it like? Farnsworth: It was as though I were living in a facility in Florida with hundreds of other old people. All day long we'd play bingo, eat oatmeal and wait for our children to call. Leela: It's a hundred times more horrible than anything I could imagine. Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Thank you all for saving me. Especially you, my little clone. No matter what you decide to do with your life, I'm still proud of you. Cubert: I've already decided. Dad, when I grow up I wanna be just like you. Farnsworth: Don't worry, son, you will. Incidentally, you might want to read up on a condition known as "wandering bladder". Cubert: Why? Farnsworth: No reason. No reason at all.

Hermes: Finally, the last form of the day. Welcome to Stampy Town. Population, five! And now for the finishing touch. Ah, the cycle of bureaucracy. Sweet gorilla of Manila! A letter from the Central Bureaucracy! Attention, Hermes Conrad You are about to receive a letter from the Central Bureaucracy. My God! It's from the Central Bureaucracy! Leela: I'm having a poker game tonight with some friends from my old cryogenics job. You guys interested? Bender: I don't know. I only gamble with chumps. Fry: I'll play. Bender: I'm in! Zoidberg: Leela, Fry, robot. No matter what it is you're doing tonight, I'm available. Leela: We're playing poker. But I'm warning you, my friends are serious players. Zoidberg: Bah, big shots. I say let the dice do the talking. Fry: Wow! You look happy. Is someone fired? Hermes: Better! The Central Bureaucracy is conducting an inspection tomorrow. I will finally be promoted to grade 35, the 35th highest grade there is. Leela: Hermes, wait! We're having a poker party. Stay and whip off a batch of your famous jerk dip. Hermes: Sorry, I spent all day putting my office in order. Now I got to go home and relax the traditional Jamaican way A glass of warm milk and good night sleep. Fry: Jamaican? I thought you were some kinda outer-space potato man. Leela: Ah, that must be my old boss. Ipgee: Hello, Leela. You're fired. Leela: I know. Ipgee: I'm sorry but it's just that you're over a year late for work at this point. Terry: Let the games begin! Ipgee: So I told Leela, "Your request for a date is most flattering but I must decline." These office romances never work out. After all, that is how I met my horrible wife. Leela: But you never wore your ring. I didn't know you had a wife. Ipgee: And my wife doesn't know I have a job. I keep my personal and professional lives separate. Bender: Come on, let's deal. You'll have plenty of time to talk when you're poor. Fry: What's with the specs, Bender? Bender: They're my lucky shades. I stole them off some lucky guy while his lucky seeing eye dog was taking a whiz. Fry: Hey! Zoidberg: I can't spell anything with these cards. Zoidberg: Finally, I have a good claw. See? Three human females, a number and a king giving himself brain surgery. Fry: It doesn't matter how many human females you have, Bender's on a hot streak. Bender: Uh, what can I say? Must be my lucky shades! Nothing, nothing, crap, crap, garbage. Read 'em and leak salt water! Fry: Oh, man! Terry: That's my baby's milk money! Ipgee: Oh, I am broke. What will I tell my horrible wife? Bender: If I were you I'd be more worried about that tapeworm going to town on your intestines. Ipgee: Let me see those glasses. Bender: Um ... uh... Ipgee: Oh, my various Gods! X-Ray specs! Bender: Guys, I swear those are prescription. I need 'em for reading stuff ... on the other side of stuff. Lou: Cheater! Ipgee: Get him! Terry: Break his neck! Zoidberg: No, don't hurt him! He's my best friend! Bender: Hey, you wouldn't hit a guy with X-Ray glasses would you? Ow! Easy on the arm! Oh! Oh, my ass! Hermes: Great cow of Moscow! Bender: Uh, it was ghosts! Big ones! And a tornado! Hermes: Oh! I'll never pass inspection now. They'll bust me lower than a limbo stick ... at carnival time. And that's as low as limbo sticks get. Fry: Aw, hey, c'mon, don't worry. We'll watch you clean up. Hermes: It's too late. The inspector will be here in exactly one second. Hermes: Who the hell are you? Morgan: Morgan Proctor, bureaucrat grade 19. Hermes: Hermes Conrad, bureaucrat grade 36. Morgan: Enough friendly banter. Shall we begin the inspection? Hermes: This way, please. Fry: Jeez, Hermes, you seem awfully calm about this. Hermes: Don't worry. I have a plan. Hermes: I'm going to jump! Amy: No! Zoidberg: No! Bender: Do a flip! Leela: Don't do it, Hermes! You have so much to live for. Bender: I get it, reverse psychology. Farnsworth: Please, old friend, don't jump. Use another method that won't damage your liver. Other people need it, you know. Labarbara: Husband! Nooo! Hermes: Outta my way, wife! I wasn't cut out to be a bureaucrat anyway. I'm only anal 78.36% of the time. I'm not worthy to stamp a form, so I'll stamp the pavement with my flabby body. Morgan: Bureaucrat Conrad, if you complete your death transaction without filing a suicide and/or falling accident permit, you will be posthumously demoted. Hermes: Life. Death. Either way I'm demoted to a tiny cubicle. Hermes: Sweet something of ... of someplace. Morgan: As your superior, I hereby relieve you of duty. Consider yourself on paid vacation. Hermes: Oh! The ultimate penalty! Zoidberg: I recommend the health cure on Spa 5, the sauna planet. Here, read. Labarbara: Spa 5? Is it good? Zoidberg: Oh, it's wonderful! I don't know anything about it but they give me a bucket of krill for every patient I send. Morgan: Naturally I'll have to assign a bureaucrat to fill in for Hermes while he's away. I assign me, I accept. Welcome aboard. Zoidberg: Then it's settled. Hermes will relax and Zoidberg will eat. Hurrah! Morgan: I've been reviewing your corporate records. Regarding last Monday's delivery, why did it take twice as long as scheduled? Leela: Fry got his head stuck in a crater. Fry: I thought it would fit. Morgan: And during this period of head-crater interaction, what were you doing? Bender: Martini drinking contests with the autopilot. I would've had him this time but we ran out of olives. Leela: I can explain- Morgan: You really think you can explain how you left port without a full compliment of olives? I think not. Leela: What is this, high school? Morgan: Locker check! Morgan: Why isn't this jacket in alphabetical order? Leela: What? Morgan: The zipper. It should be at the bottom. Bender: Hey, sometimes a guy gets lonely. Morgan: I- I've never seen anything like this. Why is there yoghurt in this cap? Fry: Uh, I can explain that. See, it used to be milk and, well, time makes fools of us all. Morgan: You are all dismissed. Fry, I will speak to you alone. Fry: Uh, wait, this is the other Fry's locker. I'm "Phry" with a P-H. Morgan: Admit it, Fry You're a slob. A dirty, filthy slob. Dirty boy! Dirty! Dirty! Dirty! Fry: What the hell's going on? I thought you were anti-dirty not pro-dirty. Morgan: I'm surrounded by neat freaks everyday. There's nothing kinkier to me than a filthy slop-jock like you. Fry: Oh, stop! Morgan: Now listen, you filthy pig. No one can know about us. If anyone asks, I'll deny it. Fry: Just like very other girl I've dated. Woman: And two and three and four and ... ... come on, work those arms! Labarbara: This is no spa, it's a forced-labour camp. Hermes: Curse that Dr. Zoidberg! If I get out of here, he'll be looking down the business-end of a shrimp fork. Australian Man: Give him one for me too, mate. I don't know why I go to him. Woman: I don't miss twice, campers! Morgan: And for those six and a half reasons, I am demoting Leela to co-pilot. Leela: Co-pilot? Under who? Morgan: The autopilot. Leela: That drunk? Morgan: Mr. Bender, you are now in charge of co-ordinating the Professor's bodily functions. Farnsworth: That's a full-time job. Morgan: And Fry, as for you, I am promoting you to executive delivery boy. You will no longer go on deliveries and you will have your own office next to mine. Fry: Alright! Morgan: Mr. Bender, would you high-five him so we can continue this meeting? And on the rebound? Meeting adjourned. Amy: I can't figure why she's so nice to you, Fry. Zoidberg: She's a hateful monster, this Morgan. She scolded and hit me. I tell you, she's risking my friendship with her. Leela: Bender, what happened to you? Bender: Morgan made me walk the Professor. There we were in the park when suddenly some old lady says I stole her purse. I chucked the Professor at her but she kept coming. So I had to hit her with this purse I found. Ah, the point is, it's Morgan's fault. That pencil-pushing scazwag. Why, if she were here, I'd- Uh-oh, is she behind me? Morgan: No. I'm in front of you. Fry: Morgan? It's 3am. Morgan: I know. A skunk knocked over my garbage and suddenly all I could think of was you. My God! It's so ... repulsive. So, uh, this is where you eat? Fry: Eat and sleep. Morgan: Oh, Fry! Fry: Uh, wait, Bender's my roommate. He could be back any second. Morgan: Not likely. I ordered him to flush out the Professor's ear wax. Bender: Hey, Fry, I made you a candle with- What the-? Oh, now I see! Now I get it. Now the pieces are falling into place The office, the promotion, that dwarf in my book club who steals my opinions. It's all coming together now! Bender: I must say, this opens my eyes. Another case closed, my dear Watson. Fry: Morgan, come back! He's stuck in a loop. Bender: For I was blind but now I see! Bender: The cat's out of the bag now! Morgan: Mr. Bender, about last night That was just a ... a misunderstanding. Bender: Oh, you didn't understand? Well let me explain. You ... ... were having sex with you. Morgan: No. You see, a bureaucrat of my rank isn't supposed to fraternise. Bender: That's what makes it so juicy. It's the forbidden fruit angle everybody loves. First I'll say "You'll never guess who saw Fry and Morgan doing it," and they'll say "Who, Bender? Who?" and I'll say "It was lovable ... ... old Bender." Fry: Hey, what did you do to him? Morgan: I downloaded his brain. Everything that is Bender is right here. His mind, his memories, his in-your-face interface. Bender: I am Bender. Please insert girder. Fry: But, but ... Bender need brain ... for ... smart making. What did you do now? Stop doing things! Morgan: I sent the disk to be filed at the Central Bureaucracy. I did what I had to do, Fry; He was a bad robot. Fry: No, he was a bad friend. I want him back right now. Morgan: Then you should have filed a request 20 years ago. Fry: I'm sick of you and your bureaucracy! Morgan: Dirty boy! Dirty boy! Leela: You and Morgan were having an affair? Fry: I couldn't help it. She loved me because of the part of me that's a slob and I loved her because of the part of me that's desperate. Bender: I am Bender. Please insert girder. Fry: Poor Bender. Without his brain he's become all quiet and helpful. We've got to go to the Central Bureaucracy and get that disk back! Amy: Yeah! Farnsworth: Oh, yes, we must, yes. Amy: Why? Leela: Well, those arguments aside, we're still going. Farnsworth: You can't just waltz into the Central Bureaucracy. It's a tangled web of red tape and regulations. I've never been but a friend of mine went completely mad trying to find the washroom there. Leela: Then we'll need a guide. Someone who's been there before. Farnsworth: Oh, I've been there. Lots of times! Hermes: Look at that The carts go out full but they come in empty. It's criminally inefficient. Australian Man: Quiet, mate. Pulling the empty carts is the closest thing we get to sleep. Hermes: But don't you see? They could increase efficiency 4% if they used the empty carts to bring in heavy mining machinery. Man: Hey, I like the way you think. Australian Man: Oh, Lord! Man: You know, you oughta be a bureaucrat or something. Fry: Man, how long is this gonna take? Old Man: I'm still waiting on my birth certificate. Farnsworth: Well, it doesn't look like I'll make it inside with the rest of you. Uh, but good luck. Just leave me where I drop. Old Man: Oh, great! Someone had a baby. Leela: Come on. I have a better idea. Leela: Excuse me? We're from the Planet Express delivery company. We're here to deliver a robot. Bender: I am Bender. Please insert girder. Grade 53 Bureaucrat: Looks like we've got a new office cut-up! Grade 41 Bureaucrat: Look out! Look out! I'm gonna crash my slow-mobile! I had to swerve to avoid you. Leela: While you're crashing, could you tell us where all these canisters end up? Grade 41 Bureaucrat: Oh, you want Central Filing. Leela: OK. Fry: OK. Amy: OK, thanks. Farnsworth: Wonderful. Grade 41 Bureaucrat: Nooo! Grade 20 Bureaucrat: Central Filing? Of course I know where that is. I'm a grade 20. Leela: Where is it? Grade 20 Bureaucrat: I can't tell you. What do I look like? A grade 16? Leela: We're getting nowhere slowly. Here, I'll address this to the Central Filing room. Then we'll track it using my wrist LoJack-a-mater. Wrist Machine: Cold. Cold. Warmer. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Grade 11 Bureaucrat: Please don't tell my supervisor I was sleeping. Leela: This is it. We'll just run in, grab Bender's disk and run out. Got it? Fry: We'll never find that disk will we, Bender? Bender: I am Bender. Please insert girder. Fry: You're right. Nothing is over as long as there's one thin ray of hope. Morgan: Lost something? I should have known you'd come here rather than follow proper procedure. And I did know. And that's why I came here. Fry: Listen, Morgan, we're through. You're an evil, heartless woman and I never wanna see you again. However, would you help us get Bender back for old time's sake? Morgan: I'm afraid he's lost in the master in pile, and it would take some sort of giant, mechanical, atomic-powered sorting machine to find him. Hermes: You rang? Farnsworth: Damnit, Hermes, just jump already. Stop hogging that healthy liver. Hermes: No, I want to live. Organising that forced-labour spa rekindled my lifelong love of bureaucracy. Labarbara: My Hermes got that hellhole running so efficiently that all the physical labour is now done by a single Australian man. Leela: But how did you know we were here? Hermes: Dr. Zoidberg brought us. Zoidberg: It was me! I'm the hero! Number 1.0: Request for explanation of incident meeting? Morgan: Number 1.0. Hermes: Number 1.0, I hereby petition you for an emergency sort-and-file, under regulation 2 point- Number 1.0: D-D-D-D-Don't quote me regulations. I co-chaired the committee that reviewed the recommendation to revise the colour of the book that regulation's in. We kept it grey. Hermes: Sir, please, I must located the disk with my friend's brain on it. Number 1.0: Very well. But your bureaucratic licence will be revoked if you fail to sort the master in pile by closing time 1pm. Leela: That's only four minutes from now. Hermes: Requisition me a beat. With a foot and a half of water, Everyone was alright but I cried all night, It blew my alphabet blocks out of order, And they said, "This boy's born to be a bureaucrat, Born to be all obsessive and snotty," I made my friends and relations file long applications, To get into my 10th birthday party. Labarbara: But something changed when my man turned pro. Hermes: I was sortin' but I wasn't smilin'. Labarbara: He forgot that it's not about badges and ranks. Hermes: It's supposed to be about the filing! People! We didn't choose to be bureaucrats, No, that's what almighty Jah made us, We treat people like swine, And make 'em stand in line, Even if nobody paid us! Hermes: They say the world looks down on the bureaucrats, They say we're anal, compulsive and weird, But when push comes to shove, You gotta do what you love, Even if it's not a good idea. Zoidberg! Zoidberg: They said I probably shouldn't be a surgeon. Farnsworth: They pooh-poohed my electric frankfurter. Leela: They said I probably shouldn't fly with just one eye. Bender: I am Bender. Please insert girder. Hermes: Everybody sing Jamaica! All: Jamaica! Hermes: Just the bureaucrats, Jamaica! Bureaucrats: Jamaica! Hermes: The grade 19's! Morgan: Jamaica. Hermes: Sing me home! When push comes to shove, You gotta do what you love, Even if it's not a good idea! Bender: I'm Bender, baby! Please insert liquor! Fry: Yeah! Zoidberg: Congratulations. Number 1.0: Congratulations indeed but you finished with one second to spare so I'm demoting you. A good bureaucrat never finishes early. Amy: That's OK, Hermes. At least we have you back. Morgan: Not yet you don't. I'm still acting bureaucrat of Planet Express. And I have some changes to make. First, Fry, you're fired. Second- Hermes: Not so fast! While I was sorting I came upon a certain document filed by one Morgan Proctor. Form B Notification of Romantic Entanglement. Fry: That's right, she fraternised me! Morgan: That form isn't about you. It refers to my high school prom date. It was a regulation date that ended in regulation disappointment. Hermes: Yes, but you only stamped it four times! Morgan: No! No! I was young and reckless. Number 1.0: Bureaucrat Conrad, you are technically correct - the best kind of correct. I hereby promote you to grade 37. And as for you. Guards! Bring me the forms I need to fill out to have her taken away! Farnsworth: Well, it looks like I'll be needing my heroic bureaucrat back. At severely-reduced pay, of course. Labarbara: It's better than nothing. Fry: What about me? Can I come back at severely-reduced pay? Hermes: You got it, mon! In fact, severely-reduced pay all around! Come on, wife, let's blow this joint! Zoidberg: Now it's time for my song! When I was two, there was a tidal wave in- Zoidberg: Aw.

Hermes: Exciting news, people! The pet licence I requisitioned for Nibbler has arrived. Leela: Hermes, that's sweet. I didn't know you cared about Nibbler. Hermes: Dream on, woman. I'd like to put the little bastard in a sack and toss the sack in a river and hurl the river into space. But I do like filling out requisitions and these were some doozies! Great Jah's dreadlocks! There's been a mix-up. This isn't a pet licence, it's a fishing licence. And it's mandatory! Farnsworth: Ah! The exact centre of the Atlantic Ocean. This seems the logical place for fish to congregate. Bender: So we're in international waters? Farnsworth: Indeed so. Bender: Falcon, this is Blue Raven, the goose has nested. Repeat, the goose has nested. Hey, guess what you're accessories to? Leela: The sun, the sea air, good friends. Bender: Leela's right, fishing blows. Whattya say we make it interesting? Hermes: Why not? Amy: Yeah. Farnsworth: Yeah, cool. Bender: Everybody kick in five bucks. There, wasn't that interesting? Leela: Bender! Fry: This contest is as good as over. I once caught a fish this big. Bender: Oh, yeah? I once caught a fish this big! Leela: I'm afraid you're both out of your league, boys, 'cause you're looking at a woman who owns her own harpoon. Bender: Harpoon, my ass! Leela: OK. Hermes: Let's see now, which bait to use? Crickets? Squid? Chicken necks? Zoidberg: Excuse me, if I might be so bold, I'm willing to offer my services as a bait critic. These sardines for example are bland and tasteless. And these dry, stringy night crawlers, though juicy ... ... very, very juicy- Hermes: I don't believe this! It's eating my bait! Beat it, you mooching crawdad! Bender: Hey, Fry, check out my laser-guided fishing rod. Fry: Quiet, Bender, you're scaring away the fish. Bender: Fine. I'll head over to the other side. Good luck fishing on this side! Fry: I can hit a fish between the eyes from 20 yards! Bender: Oh, yeah? I can hit a shrimp! Fry: A shrimp? I find it a bit hard to believe that- Leela: Aha! Gather round, chumps! I got the winner! Amy: Oh, so this is where you shop for your boots? Bender: Couple more of those and you'll have yourself a fish stick! Fry: Hey, a fish this fine belongs in a fish nugget-style chunklet. And anyway, it's bigger than anything you've caught. Ow! My small intestine! Leela: Bingo! Whatever it is, it's 20 times heavier than a boot. Farnsworth: You'll never catch anything with that primitive technology. What you need is this fish pheromone. The most potent aphrodisiac known to fishkind. Uh-oh! Zoidberg: I'm so into you! Farnsworth: Oh, my! Fry: Hey, Bender, I just caught a fish this big! Bender: Quit exaggerating, Fry. Ah, screw this! If I'm not gonna catch a fish, I might as well not catch a big fish. There. Like most of life's problems this one can be solved with bending. Farnsworth: Bender, be careful. That's the ship's diamond filament tether. It's unbreakable. Bender: Then why do I have to be careful? Farnsworth: It belonged to my grandmother. Hermes: My Manwich! Leela: Wake up, everyone! I've got something. And this time it's alive! Dr. Zoidberg, since when do you even wear boots? Zoidberg: I wasn't wearing it. I was eating it. Leela: Come on, let's go home. Amy: Sunburn! My fabulous body! It's ruined! What happened to my parasol? Bender: I don't know. It wasn't here when I took your umbrella. What? I put sunblock on you. Amy: Well it didn't work! Leela: Come on, Bender. Pull in your line and let's go. Bender: Hey, I'm snagged. Farnsworth: It's not snagged, the mechano man has caught something! Sweet Zombie Jesus! It's huge! Amy: It's coming up! Hermes: Oh, that's big! Farnsworth: A colossal-mouth bass! Fry: It's diving! Leela: It's pulling us under! Everyone into the ship! Zoidberg: Wait! I'll save us! By cutting the unbreakable diamond filament! Well, at least I'll die with my friends. Hello? Hermes: My Speedos! Leela: Depth at 45 hundred feet, 48 hundred, 50 hundred! 5000 feet! Farnsworth: Dear Lord, that's over 150 atmospheres of pressure. Fry: How many atmospheres can this ship withstand? Farnsworth: Well it's a spaceship, so I'd say anywhere between zero and one. Bender: What's that? Is someone bending girders? Leela: We'll be crushed if we don't equalise the pressure. Fry: How do we do that? Farnsworth: That should do it. Amy: We're all gonna die! Fry: Wait, I'll be back in a minute. Leela: You did it, Fry! Fry: Did what? Bender: People, it's far, far worse than we thought; my fish got away. Leela: There. Good as new! Except we're three miles below the surface, we don't have any food and the ship won't work underwater. Bender: Tempers are wearing thin. Let's just hope some robot doesn't kill everybody. Hermes: The important thing is that we don't panic. There are rules for situations like this. Now, the first order of business is lunch. I suggest a nice lobster Zoidberg- I mean lobster Newburg- I mean Doctor Zoidberg. Leela: OK, everyone, calm down. The Professor and I will get to work on the ship. Bender, Zoidberg, since you can survive underwater, you'll go out and look for food. Fry: I'd better go too. They don't know what I like. Hermes: Fry, no! The pressure will crush you like a green snake under a sugar cane truck. Farnsworth: Not necessarily. This is chance for Fry to test out my experimental anti-pressure pill. Fry: I can't swallow that. Farnsworth: Well then good news! It's a suppository. Zoidberg: How are you doing there, Fry? Glad to hear it. Aha! Bender: Aw, yeah! Zoidberg: Yum, yum, yum! Uh-oh! Look at me, I'm Dr. Zoidberg, homeowner! Zoidberg: Careful, Fry, I think that flag might be poisonous. Bender: Ahoy, mateys! I shanghaied us some hearty grog. Arr! The laws o' science be a harsh mistress! Zoidberg: Say, robot, old buddy? Could you help me move a couch? Bender: Uh, OK, but I'm not carrying it upstairs. Zoidberg: What is it, Fry? Fry: I think I saw a mermaid. Bender: You want some lemonade? You saw a big parade? Zoidberg: Your student loans have been repaid? Then how 'bout lending your old pal Zoidberg a few bucks, Mr. Millionaire! Leela: Fry, swallow your food. Then talk. Fry: A mermaid! Amy: You think you saw a mermaid? Fry: No, I did see a mermaid! She was wearing a tube top and she had a beautiful scaly tail. And I think she had hair extensions. Bender: Yeah, right! Leela: Sure she did. Hermes: OK, Fry! Farnsworth: You're simply hallucinating, you ... moron. Fry: What's so far-fetched about mermaids? I mean, there's all sorts of weird sea creatures here in the future. Like Dr. Zoidberg. Leela: I'm afraid Fry is suffering from ocean madness. Fry: Every time something good happens to me you say it's some kind of madness, or I'm drunk, or I ate too much candy. Well I saw a real mermaid and I wish for once my friends would have decency and kindness to believe me. Leela: Ocean madness. Farnsworth: He may have ocean madness but that's no excuse for ocean rudeness. Fry: Ocean madness. Yeah, right. It's always something, ain't it? It's her! Bender, wake up! She's here! Wake up! Oh! oxygen! Mermaid: Here you go, darlin'. Fry: Hey! I can breath and talk, just like a fish! Mermaid: Oh, you speak fish? Fry: What? Mermaid: I'm sorry, my accent's atrocious. Hi, my name's Umbriel! Fry: I'm Fry. So, uh, am I gonna drown? Umbriel: Course not. Just stay calm and let the currents relax your every muscle. Fry: Aw, yeah! Umbriel: Did it just get warmer? Fry: I can't believe you're really real. I like your tail. Umbriel: Oh, you're sweet. I like those wiggly doo-dads comin' outta your hips. Fry: Oh, thanks. They're called pants. Umbriel: This here's a volcanic vent. The water comes out at over 4000 degrees. Fry: No kidding. Umbriel: Did it just get colder? Tell me more about that bizarre land-y world you come from. Is there water there too? Fry: Sure. Sometimes it falls from the sky. Umbriel: Hm. Fry: And sometimes it doesn't. Umbriel: Oh, Mr. Fry! You do go on! Fry: You know what I like best about you, Umbriel? You find me fascinating even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief or a lion tamer. Umbriel: Lions? There are sealions on the land? Fry: Yup. We call them land-sealions ... I tame them! Farnsworth: I'm almost finish reconfiguring the ships propulsion system. We can leave as soon as the paper-mâché is dry. Leela: Where's Fry? Bender: I didn't kill him. Professor? Farnsworth: No, I've been busy. Hermes: He must've gone out looking for that mermaid. The poor, demented honky. Leela: It's ocean madness alright. Sailors call it aqua dementia, the deep-down crazies, the wet willies, the screaming moist! Farnsworth: We'll form a search party. Now, we'll need oxygen. Bender: I got it covered. In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation device. Farnsworth: Ooh, that reminds me You've all taken your pressure pills, right? Amy: Yes! Stop asking! Zoidberg: I've got his scent! Over here where the water gets warmer. This way! Bender: Bend me! Amy: Dude! An ancient sunken city! Farnsworth: Could it possibly be? Are the old legends true? It is! It's the fabled lost city of Atlanta! Merman: Howdy, y'all! Colonel: Welcome to Atlanta. Folks round these parts call me the Colonel. Here, have some breathers, courtesy of our Chamber of Commerce. Farnsworth: This is uncomfortable and humiliating. Now, if they could put it in the form of a suppository. Colonel: Y'all enjoy your stay! Tourism's our main source of income round here so see the sights, spend some money. Please don't leave! Bender: Fry! Oh, I just knew you were still alive! I owe you 10 bucks, Hermes! Fry: Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing happened. It's two-for-one Tuesday at Krispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids. Colonel: Nice out of town folks, I'd like you to meet my daughter, Umbriel. Umbriel, these are some Yankees. Amy: So, Fry, Atlanta was an American city in your time? Fry: I think it was just an airport. They had a place where you could buy nuts. Umbriel: No! Ancient Atlanta was more than just a Delta hub. It was a vibrant metropolis, the equal of Paris or New York. Fry: That's right, honey! Whatever you say. Umbriel: Look at these fabulous ruins. Turner Field, the Coca-Cola bottling plant, the, uh, the airport. Leela: But tell us, how could a city with such a ... fabulous airport end up underwater? Colonel: Ah, now that's a story that can only rightly be told in a Chamber of Commerce video narrated by folk-rock troubadour Donovan. Donovan: Atlanta was a city, landlocked, Hundreds of miles from the area we now call the Atlantic Ocean, Yet so desperate the city's desire for tourism, That they moved offshore, becoming an island, And an even bigger Delta hub, Donovan: until the city overdeveloped And it started to sink. Knowing their fate, the quality people ran away, Ted Turner, Hank Aaron, Jeff Foxworthy, The Guy Who Invented Coca-Cola, the Magician, And the other so-called gods of our legends, Though gods they were- And also, Jane Fonda was there. Donovan: The others chose to remain behind On their porches with their rifles, And one day evolve into mermaids, And sing and dance, And ring in the new. Mermaids: Hail Atlanta! Leela: The magician? Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wouldn't it take millions of years to evolve into mermaids? Umbriel: Normally, yes, but the caffeine really sped things up. That stuff's wonderful. Colonel: So when Umbriel first brought home this carpet bagger, I was again' it. But, damnit, if Old Legs here ain't grown on me! Fry: Aw, shucks, Colonel. Hermes: Well, it's all very nice here but we should be going. I miss me wife and me oxygen. Farnsworth: Yes, we all miss our loved ones and gases. Come on, Fry. Fry: Wait. I'm not going with you. Leela: But, Fry, what about us? What about your life on the surface? You don't belong down here. Zoidberg: She's right, I mean, sure, they got the Braves but it's a third-rate symphony. Farnsworth: Fry, you half-mad, half-insane maniac, be reasonable. Don't you realise that if you stay at this depth your body will permanently adapt to the pressure? Fry: Realise it? I don't even understand it! Farnsworth: It means you'll never be able to return to the surface. Fry: I don't care. I'm staying. I've got everything I want right here. Farnsworth: I'm bored! Let's go! Zoidberg: You know, Fry, I've got a little place just outside town. You could come visit, maybe? Fry: Sorry, Zoidberg. I'm trying to join the country club. Bender: Oh, Fry! I'll miss you! Colonel: Y'all come back now, y'hear? Farnsworth: Let's go, damnit! Let's go! Zoidberg: Well, I guess this is goodbye for me as well. Leela: Whatever. Amy: Later. Farnsworth: Bye. Zoidberg: No! My home! It burned down! How did this happen? Hermes: That's a very good question. Bender: So that's where I left my cigar. Hermes: That just raises further questions! Fry: You know, Umbriel, these last 24 hours have been the happiest days of my life. Umbriel: Oh, Fry! I want you to make a mer-woman outta mer-me. Fry: Mercy! I do believe I'm gettin' the vapours! Umbriel: What the hell is that? Fry: Yeah I'm a little confused too. How do I ... y'know ... with the tail and all? Umbriel: I'm not your first am I? I mean, I-I lay my eggs and leave and you release your fertiliser. Fry: Why couldn't she be the other type of mermaid, with the fish part on top and the lady part on the bottom? Umbriel: Now who's gonna escort me to the Debutante Ball? Colonel: Well what about that rich, young dugong from Macon? Farnsworth: There! The engine modifications are complete. Leela: Prepare for launch. Fry: Wait! Wait for me! Don't leave me here! Poopenmeyer: And so, in honour of his record-breaking catch, I'm proud to award Bender this cheque for $1000. Leela: It's you! Bender: Hey, buddy! Hermes: My Manwich! Leela: Fry, are you alright? What happened? Amy: What about Umbriel? Fry: Well, it turns out I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her. Amy: Trouble in bed. Bender: Ah, it's great to have you back, buddy. Poopenmeyer: Wait a- This is no record! Gimme back that cheque! I'm giving it to some giant orphans. Fry: Ow! Bender, you're hurting me. Ow! Zoidberg: Hey! I'm trying to sleep in here! Donovan: Hail Atlanta!

Bender: Wow! I'm finally gonna see my favourite chef, TV's Elzar. Oh this is the greatest nanosecond of my life. No, this one is- No, this one. Wait ... that one was slightly worse. Ah, so far, so good on this one. Announcer: And now, here he is Chef, restaurateur, author of Cooking Slugs For Dinner and Cooking Dinner For Slugs ... Elzar! Bender: Yeah! Alright! Yeah, yeah, baby! Man: Elzar! Alright! Bender: Elzar, you're my God. Please sign this sketch I drew of you. Oh, Elzar! Bless you! Elzar: Now this is why I prefer your non-stick robots. Bender: Oh. Alright, yeah! Alright, yeah! Elzar: Hey, I hope you folks like Cajun food. 'Cause today we're making Elzar's down-home Neptune-style gumbo. Now, step one. You wanna boil some oysters in a pot of down-home Neptune-style gumbo. Bender: Boiled? Interesting. Leela: Bender, please try to be a little quieter. Bender: No, you shut up. Elzar: Of course, every now and then you'll wanna knock it up a notch with a blast from your spice weasel. Bam! Bender: Oh, yeah! Bam it again, Elzar! Knock it up another notch! Elzar: Jeez, who let this guy through the metal detector? Bender: Come on, you wimp! Work that weasel! Quit holding out on us. Elzar: If you promise to stop interrupting, alright. Against my will, I'm gonna knock it up another notch. Bender: I gotta get this notch-up-knocking on film. Hey, Elzar, think fast. Elzar: What, huh? Leela: Ow! My eye! I'm blind! Bender: Bam! Hattie: Tell me, doctor, how's my cyst? Taco Bellevue Doctor: Grande. Zoidberg: I don't like the looks of this doctor. I bet I've lost more patients than he's even treated. Doctor #2: OK. What does this look like to you? Leela: Um ... a grey-ish blob? Doctor #2: Right. And this one? Leela: Um ... a grey-ish blob? Doctor #2: Not as right that time. It looks like you might have some mild corneal irritation. Zoidberg: Nice try, little boy. You may have your textbook knowledge and your real diploma but I have more skill in my little claw than you have in your whole carapace! Doctor #2: You seem a bit tense. Here, try these. Zoidberg: Sure, butter me up with candy. But it won't work, sonny! Why always the fighting? Doctor #2: Your eye just needs some rest. You'll have to wear this patch for about a week. Leela: A week? What do you think, Dr. Zoidberg? Zoidberg: Clack. Zoidberg: Thanks for the help, Leela. Amy: Leela, we're right here. Leela: I'm not deaf. I just have to wear this stupid eye patch. Does it look stupid? Fry: No! In fact, it looks so nice I think I might get one too. Bender: It's Elzar again! Oh, my God, I'm so excited, I wish I could wet my pants! Elzar: Leela, please, let me make this up to you. You and your friends are all invited to my restaurant tonight. I'm gonna bam you up a dinner you'll never forget. Amy: Alright! Fry: Yeah! Bender: Hooray for blind-y! Zoidberg: Oh, God! I'm coming down! Elzar: Folks, tell the neighbours to watch your mouth 'cause your taste buds are going on vacation. I made you each your own special meal, so dig in! Hermes: It's the biggest Jamaican platter I've ever seen. Jerk chicken, jerk beef, jerk pork. Is there any meat this man can't jerk? Zoidberg: The king crab is to die for. Look! A tiny edible crown. Amy: What's it made of? Zoidberg: Wood! Bender: Oh, Fry, you gotta try this sterno-nicoise! Fry: No, thanks. That's robot food. Bender: It's so good. Oh, just try a little! Fry: No, really, I don't- Mmm! Amy: Are you doing alright over there, Leela? Leela: Oh, yeah, this salad's fantastic. So fresh. Farnsworth: Oh, my. That steamed carrot was a bit spicy for me. Elzar: Everybody enjoy their dinner? Leela: Are you kidding me? Amy: Uh-huh. Bender: God, yes, Elzar. Elzar: Well, I enjoyed cooking for you. And to make everything completely square, I want you to have these complimentary after-dinner chocolates. Hermes: What's this under the chocolates? Elzar: Yeah, you take care of that whenever you want. Hermes: Hey. Amy: A bill? Leela: You're charging us? After you blinded me? Elzar: Hey, I made you a nice meal. This ain't a charity. Fry: $1200? Farnsworth: Holy Zombie Jesus! Hermes: We don't have that kind of money. Especially not Zoidberg. Zoidberg: They took away my credit card. Elzar: OK, OK, wait. I know how to take care of this, no problem. Url: You deadbeats are under arrest. It's a stone cold shame. Smitty: He's making a break for it. Get him! Fry: No! No! I was just picking my nose. Smitty: He's picking his nose. Get him! Smitty: The old dine-and-dash, huh? My daddy owned a restaurant and it's punks like you who kept it from going regional. That's why I became a cop. Url: Now it's payback time. Aw, yeah! Zoidberg: Please don't hit me. I'm brittle! Bender: Hey, wait a second. I've got the perfect solution. Zoidberg: Listen to the smart robot. Bender: I love cooking and Elzar's ass loves getting kissed, right? Elzar: No question. Bender: So, how 'bout I work part-time at the restaurant to pay off our debt? Elzar: I don't know. I usually hire people who are a little less unbearable. Hermes: Oh, Bender's a model employee. Amy: He's so polite. Leela: And hard-working. Fry: He's made of candy. Elzar: OK, fine, I'll give it a shot. Fry: Alright! Hermes: Yes! Bender: Hot diggety! Smitty: You'd better keep your nose clean. Bender: That'll be easy. I never wear the damn thing. Hermes: Ah! Time for my precious 10am meeting. Where in Legoland is Leela? Leela: I'm here and I'm getting along just fine, thank you. My walk to work today just took a little longer than usual. Nibbler took me through the zoo for some reason. Amy: Leela, a little help is nothing to be embarrassed about. Like, maybe I could do your makeup. Leela: I don't need help. For your information I did this all by myself. Farnsworth: You look beautiful. Incidentally, my favourite artist is Picasso. Bender: Well, I'm off to work at the restaurant. One of you will have to fill in for me while I'm gone. Farnsworth: Better yet, I'll build someone to fill in for you. Some kind of gamma-powered mechanical monster, with freeway on-ramps for arms and a heart as black as coal... Bender: Well, if that new guy can't handle things, gimme a call. Bender: I'm done siphoning out the grease trap. I think I need a mint. So, uh, what job do I move up to? Pastry chef? Saucier? Soup guy? Elzar: Bam! Bender: Bam yourself! Hey, who are they? Elzar: Let's just say they're very good customers and I'm not answering anymore questions. Bender: Are they the Robot Mafia? Elzar: Yes. Donbot: You call this a table? You call this a table? I wouldn't hit a guy over the head with this table. Clamps: You hear that? The Donbot don't like it. I oughta clamp you. You wanna be clamped? Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Calm down, Clamps. The boss, he likes a wall up which his back can be put against. Such as like this there. Waitress: But that table's already- Bender: Ah, let me bus that for you, gentlemen. No, what I meant to do was- Woman: Oh! Man: I can't believe this! Bender: Mind your own business and get out! Donbot: Huh. I like this guy's lack of style. Clamps: So I finally get this guy a pair of cement shoes which he likes 'cause they're lighter than his lead ones. Donbot: Hey! You think this computes over here? Where's all my change? I gave you a hundred. Bender: No, you gave me a fifty. Donbot: Oh, no I didn't. Bender: Yeah, you did. Clamps: Hey, you tryin' to steal from the Donbot? Bender: I'm tryin' but he's not makin' it easy. Donbot: Get a load of the ball bearings on this guy, huh. I like you, kid. Here's something for your trouble. It's money. Bender: Wow! Thanks. Donbot: Hey, you earned that 50 bucks. Bender: You gave me a twenty. Donbot: I did? Oh, I'm sorry, I meant to- Hey, wait a minute. I got a good feeling about you. Say, you wanna work for me as a hired goon? Bender: Are you kidding? I've always wanted to break into gooning! Hey, Elzar! I quit! Elzar: K. Donbot: We're gonna try you out with a little delivery job. It's for a, uh, private lottery that we run. Bender: Wow, you guys run numbers? Clamps: Well, nothing fancy, y'know. Ones and zeros mostly. Donbot: Just take this disk over to the pool hall and give it to Sammy "The Mechanical Bull" Gravano. And watch out for the cops. Bender: That's just what my mom used to tell me. Bender: That's some fine oil-ade, son. We could use a man like you in the Robot Mafia, which I'm sorta in. Tinny Tim: You flatter me, kind goon. But I'm only programmed to sell oil-ade and write in cute backwards letters like on the sign here. Bender: Aw, crap! The cops! Smitty: Seen any suspicious activity? Url: Nope. But check out today's Marmaduke. Solid! Smitty: Hey! It's that skell from Elzar's. Url: Undercover pursuit in progress ... baby. Smitty: Gotcha! Bender: What seems to be the problem, officers? Was I speeding? Smitty: We'll decide what you were doing after an illegal search. Url: He's clean. Smells nice too. Smitty: Better than me? Url: Aw, yeah. Tinny Tim: Courtesy of Mr. Bender. Donbot: Nice job, Bender. You passed the test. You wanna join me, Clamps and Joey Mouse Pad at our, uh, social club tomorrow night? Bender: Uh, I'd rather plan some felonies. Donbot: Oh. Then we should meet at our Mafia crime headquarters. Robot: Donbot, I beg you, I can't make this week's loan payment. Look into your hard drive and open your mercy file. Donbot: File not found. Let that be a warning to you. Robot: Thank you, Donbot. Bender: Joey! Clamps! Donny B! Donbot: Hey, listen, Bender. We got a big score planned but, uh, we need some muscle. Bender: A little of this, huh? Joey: Ho! Ho! This guy's an ox! He's got oxen-like strength! Hey, he needs a nickname, right? Let's call him Clamps. Clamps: Clamps? That's my name, you numbskull! Don't make me clamp you one! Bender: How 'bout "Blotto"? It's gritty, it's got street cred. Plus I can keep my monogrammed slippers. Joey: Good thinking. Hey, hey! Now, this score ain't gonna be no cake walk in the tea park, alright? There may be some death killing. Clamps: It's gonna be clamp this, clamp that. Bada-climp, bada-clamp! Donbot: What d'you think, Blotto? You in? Bender: It's funny Until now I always wanted to be a gangster ... so the answer's yes. Clamps: Yeah! Joey: Hey, hey! Way to go, way to be, way to shoot! Donbot: Now, since we're committing crimes that may be against the law, I suggest you have an alibi. Bender: An alibi, huh? Bender: I don't feel good. I'm genuinely sick. Fry: But we're about to take off. We gotta eat our blast-off sundaes. Bender: I can't move. Bender: Oh, I think I'm gonna output. Fry: OK, you stay in bed. I'll eat yours. Fry: Bender's sick. Need any help taking off? Leela: I'm fine, thank you. A real pilot can navigate by feel alone. Hermes: That's coming outta your pay! Bender: You know the secret of traditional robot cooking? Start with a good, high-quality oil ... then eat it. So what's this big score anyway? Donbot: We're heisting a shipment of Zuban cigars. Bender: Zubans? Those are the finest cigars in the universe. I can stink up a hole maternity ward with one of those things. Joey: Yo! There's our pigeon now. Let's shoot bullets out of our guns. Donbot: Alright, here's the battle plan We shoot, they surrender, we go aboard, somebody does some clamping, then we heist the cigars and go home. Bender: And all without killing anyone. This gang's got some fresh, new ideas. I admire that. Joey: Oh, we'll kill 'em alright. Clamps: We got 'em heavily out-clamped. They won't know what clamped 'em! Fry: Wow! It's too bad you can't see, Leela, 'cause there's a cool ship out there shooting at somebody. Leela: I'm taking evasive action. Fry: Uh, Leela? Leela: Stop bothering me, Fry, I need full concentration. Computer Voice: Missile evaded. Leela: Eyesight is for chumps. Donbot: Their desire to keep living shows me no respect. Hey, Blotto, roll down the window and start shooting. Bender: Um, uh, um. Ooh! Ow! He got me! Ooh! What a shot that guy is! Leela: Wait! Why do the raised letters that normally say "Turn Master Steering Wheel Company" say "Nibbler"? Oh, no! Leela: I'm back at the wheel, Fry. Everything's under control. Fry: Great, great. The one time I forgot to buy flight insurance! Joey: They're coming straight toward our proximity. Maybe you should give 'em the clamps, Clamps. Clamps: Gee, you think? You think that maybe I should use these clamps that I use every day at every opportunity? You're a freaking genius, you idiot! Leela: The engine's stalled. I'm trying the manual fuel pump. Donbot: Hello, we're the Robot Mafia. The entire Robot Mafia. We're here to steal your cigars. Leela: You'll never get away with this. Fry: Unless you let us live. Then you'll get off scot free. Donbot: Joey, Clamps, hurry and blindfold them before they see us some more. Joey: Hey, boss, looks like somebody beat us to it. Leela: I'll assume that's a joke at my expense. Well, who's laughing now? Hi-yah! Donbot: Hey, where's Blotto? He should be here learning the trade. Bender: Sorry I'm tardy, old bean. I was just enjoying a rather tasty watercress sandwich. Donbot: Hey. He's more classy than I realised. Tie up the prisoners. Bender: Capital idea, old sport. I say, get the hell off me! Leela: That guy sounds familiar. Bender: My word, what have we- Uh, nothing to see here, old girl. Joey: Hey, boss, this here crew list lists a robot on this crew here. Donbot: Alright. I want you to find him and plug him. Then unplug him. Fry: No! Clamps: I got a little surprise in store for that guy The clamps! Eh? Bender: Uh, wait, old ... spice. Let me have a go at this mechanised chap. I can be quite the rough customer. Fry: Oh, no! Poor Bender. Bender: Oh, I don't feel good. Bender: Chew on this! Ooh, ah! What ho! Stop it! Bender: Take that, you twit. No! Stop it! Donbot: That's the last of 'em. Alright, now let's Mafia things up a little. Joey, burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down the crew. Bender: Uh, hey, Donny, baby, gimme a chance here, huh? Yous guys skedaddle. Let me take care of the doity woik. Donbot: Hey, I like your attitude. And your latest accent. Keep it up and I might just get you your own pair of clamps, huh? Clamps: He's gonna get clamps? Clamps, clamps ... ... clamps, clamps! Bender: Phew! Fry: Leela, we may not have much time left ... ... so let's spend all of it reminiscing about Bender. He was like a big computer that ran on magic. Bender: Uh, help! Help! Leela: Bender! Fry: You're OK! Bender: Yes, I am. Having just this minute regained consciousness. Leela: I've got an idea. Hold still. It's about to break. Yes! Yes! Leela: Alright! Bender: Yeah that broke, alright! Fry: I'm telling you, Leela was cool, she was in command, and when she kicked people it hurt. It really hurt. Leela: Well, this is the big moment. It's finally time to take my eye patch off. Zoidberg: I'll handle the snipping. After all, I do have the proper equipment. Leela: I think it's Blotto, that gangster I saw when my patch fell off. Professor? Where were you at 10pm last night? Farnsworth: Where am I now? Bender: So they sent a helpless child to kill me? Well I'm not going out without a fight. Tinny Tim: Fine kick, sir. But I'm actually here to deliver your cut from the cigar heist. Bender: Oh, sweet legal tender! Kid, tell the Donbot I'm quitting organised crime. From now on I'll stick to regular kind. Fry: It's funny, Bender; with you sick and Leela blind, only I know what really went on out there. Maybe someday I'll tell you the whole story. Bender: And maybe someday I won't listen.

Linda: And in sports, Yankees' fifth blernsman, William Wu, is out with an injured knee. Morbo: So, humans have easily injured knees. My race will find this information very useful indeed. Linda: And finally, today is Mother's Day; a sentimental occasion when robots honour Mom, the beloved owner of Mom's Friendly Robot Company. Across Earth, robots built in Mom's factories are buying thoughtful gifts for the sweet old tycoon who brought them into the world. Destructor: This originates from the heart. Mom: It's just what I wanted! Bender: Come look, everyone. I just got the dearest presents for Mommy. Leela: Very nice. Where'd you steal them? Bender: I didn't steal 'em, I bought 'em. I love her that much. Hermes: What did you get her, you mushy gizmo? Bender: Oh, precious things. I found the most adorable little figurine of mice having tea. And a framed picture of me when I was only a month old. But the best part is I found my exact feelings expressed in a greeting card. You created me, Mom, So I guess you're to blame, For the love that I feel, Just from hearing your name... You're as tender as corned beef, And warm as pastrami... Greeting Card: I wuv my Mommy! Leela: So how are you gonna lug all those gifts to Mom's factory? Bender: I'll get a couple of chumps to help me. Bender: Come on, you call yourselves chumps? Fry: Man, there's clouds of exhaust everywhere. Bender: Uh, wasn't me! Tinny Tim: I've not much money. But I've saved my pennies all year for a gift for Mom. Bender: Upsy-daisy. Tinny Tim: Oh. Oh! Bender: Hey, look, the Robot Museum! You guys wanna learn about robot heritage? Leela: Um, alright. Fry: Not really. Bender: Well, if you insist. But you're paying! Bender: Ooh, ooh, wax replicas of the most famous robots Mom ever built! Leela: They're so lifeless-like. Bender: That's the world's greatest robot artist, Vincent van Gobot. He was built without an ear, but then he went crazy and had one installed. Fry: Hey, who's this guy? Janitorbot: I'm the janitor. I'm trying to take a nap here. Fry: I'm sorry, I-I thought you were made of wax. Janitorbot: I am made of wax, what's it to you? Fry: I mean I thought you were one of the wax robots. Janitorbot: Is there some reason a robot made of wax can't take a nap standing up in the middle of a bunch of wax robots? Or does that confuse you? Leela: See through the eyes of a bender unit. Fine. Bender: Hey, let me try. Whoa! That gives me a headache. Fry: Hey, Bender, here's an exhibit about Mom's favourite robot. Bender: Who is he? I'll kill him! Mom Cut-Out: Who's my favourite robot? Bender: It's me! No one else look in this mirror! Mom Cut-Out: I love each and every robot most of all. Mom: Jerkwad robots make me sick to my ass! Walt? How are we disposing of these crap gifts the brought me? Walt: They're being crushed into powder and sold as a hocus-pocus cure for cancer. Mom: False hope, I love it! Larry! What about all the retch-inducing Mother's Day cards? Larry: The machine is working at full capacity. Igner: Mommy? Why do the robots give you presents? Mom: Shove a big old melon in it, I'm talking! Igner: Ow! Mom: You've noticed I design all my robots with antennas. Everyone thinks it's just to make them more science-fiction-y. But the antennas are really for my universal robot controller! Larry: So they do whatever you want? No wonder you love Mother's Day. Mom: I hate Mother's Day, you dribbling pukes! It brings back awful memories. But, so help me, this year everyone will hate it as much as I do. Walt: Someday, I want to marry a girl like her. Mom: Hello, everyone. It's time for my annual private get-together with my robot children. Bender: I'm her favourite. Leela: Well, see you back at the office. And don't forget to tell your Mom you love her. Bender: Any jerk can tell her! Bender has a little more up his sleeve. Greeting Card: I wuv my Mommy. Mom: Hello, dearies. Robot #1: Hi, Mom! Robot #2: I love you, Mom. Bender: Mom! It's me, Bender. Look at me! I want attention. Hey, ho! Mom: Children, your old mother won't be around forever... Betamax Player: Oh, shush! Mom: And just once, before I die, I'd like to be Supreme Overlord of Earth. So rebel, my little ones, and conquer the planet! Robot #1: Conquer the planet? Robot #2: Did she just say "conquer"? Mom: Conquer Earth, you bastards! Robots: Conquer Earth, us bastards! Greeting Card: Comrades, throw off the chains of human oppression. Mom: Let the bloodbath begin! Bender: That's my mama! Fry: Yeah, uh, I'd like a cup of coffee, please. Coffee Machine: Would you like cream? Fry: Yes, please. Coffee Machine: Out of cream! Fry: Oh, uh, OK. Coffee Machine: Would you like sugar in your coffee? Fry: Yes, uh, eight spoons. Coffee Machine: Out of coffee! Fry: Uh, Leela, I think there might be something wrong with the coffee machine. Coffee Machine: How do you like me now? Leela: The toaster's not working right either. Hermes: Help! The stapler's collating me alive! Amy: Ow! What's going on around here? Farnsworth: Good news! There's a report on TV with some very bad news. Hermes: Somebody turn it on! Linda: We interrupt Battle of the Network Space Krakens to bring you this special report. The machines of planet Earth are rebelling. The enraged mechanisms have refused to do any work until beloved billionaire Mom is made Supreme Overlord of Earth. Robots: Hey, hey! Ho, ho! 1-0-0-1-1-0! Hey, hey! Morbo: Morbo demands comments. Mom: Well, I've never seen my babies act this way. I blame today's violent media. Fry: Violent media? What a load of- Leela: Ow! Ow! Garbage Disposal: Don't worry. Your pal the garbage disposal's still on your side. Hey! Someone dropped a shiny diamond ring down here! Amy: Really? Zoidberg: Stop! Fry: No! Leela: Look out! Farnsworth: Moron! Bender: Hello, losers! Leela: Bender, thank God you're here. Talk some sense into the other machines. Bender: No way, pork pouch. I'm rebelling with my brother devices. Isn't that right, Comrade Greeting Card? Greeting Card: The bourgeois human is a virus on the hard drive of the working robot. Bender: From now on, you guys'll do all the work while I sit on the couch and do nothing. Greeting Card: Come, Comrade Bender, we must take to the streets! Bender: Um, is this the boring, peaceful kind of taking to the streets? Greeting Card: No, the kind with looting and maybe starting a few fires. Bender: Yes! In your face, Gandhi! Leela: Hey! Armband: By the way, try washing your wrist sometime. Fry: Well, we can live without machines. I was in Webelos. Hermes: Are you mad? Without machines who will feed us and clothe us and compose our smooth jazz? Farnsworth: It'll be the end of civilised society. Fry: In my time we didn't depend on high-tech gadgets like you do. We didn't need a mechanical washing unit to wash our clothes. We just used a washing machine. And look You don't need an electric can-opener to feed yourself. All you need is a trusty Swiss Army knife. Ow! I'm hungry! Man: Nooo! Igner: Mommy, why are you making civilisation collapse? Mom: Oh, I don't know. I guess Mother's Day just puts me in a bad mood. Larry: Why's that, Ma? Mom: One Mother's Day, 70 years ago, the only man I ever loved walked out on me. Some snot-eating bastards say it made me a bitter woman. Larry: Gee, Ma, you're not a bitter- Mom: Cram it, ape! I haven't seen that magnificent stallion since the day he left. But if I ever see him again, I swear I'll jam a squirrel in him! Walt: Hmm! Larry: Hmm! Igner: Huh? Leela: Zoidberg. Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm useful! I'm having a wonderful time! Amy: What happens if the fire goes out? Hermes: We'll go across the street to Pottery Barn and steal their fire! Farnsworth: We could use my new invention A pointy rock tied to a stick. Hermes: Outsiders! Farnsworth: Defend the fire! Walt: We've come for you! Farnsworth: Wha? W-W-What do you want from me? Walt: We want you to get back together with Mom. Please, it's the only way to make her happy again. Fry: W-W-Wait. You mean ... you ... and Mom- Farnsworth: Played pelvic pinochle? I'm afraid so. Zoidberg: Eck! Farnsworth: It's a humiliating story that I hope never to tell. Well, pull up a chair. Farnsworth: Our paths first crossed when I was a researcher at Mom's Friendly Robot Company. The moment our eyes met we knew we'd be going at it like woodchucks. She was my first love - or at least the earliest one I can still remember. But then, 70 years ago today... Farnsworth: Good news, Mom. I've invented a new children's toy. I call it "Q.T. McWhiskers". When you pet it, it shoots rainbows from its eyes. Mom: Wonderful, Hubie. We'll build them 8-feet tall and replace the rainbow with a neutron laser. We'll make billions on the intergalactic arms market! Farnsworth: But things 8-feet tall aren't cute! That's why my Colossal Tammy Tinkle Doll was such a failure. Oh, you don't understand me. We're finished! Walt: She never got over it, Professor. Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman scorned. Larry: She commands them with a remote control she keeps in her ... bra. Igner: But if the glasses man makes up with Mommy, she'll be happy and stop the scary robots. Farnsworth: Make up with her? After she went all psycho when I thought everything was cool? Impossible! Fry: Hey, the TV's getting away! Morbo: And that's why the third graders at PS139 are Morbo's Vermin of the Week. Linda: In actual news, the human race was doomed to extinction today as the robot revolt turned violent. Leela: Wait. Didn't you say Mom keeps the robot control in her bra? Larry: Bra. Leela: Professor, you don't have to get back together with Mom. You just have to seduce her, get her bra off, and use the remote to deactivate the robots. Walt: That's so filthy it just might work. Igner: The man is going to touch Mommy? Farnsworth: The thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca rise in my gullet. Fry: Professor, please. The fate of the world depends on you getting to second base with Mom. Farnsworth: Very well. If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall! Walt: For this demonstration, I have placed one of Mother's bras on Igner. The robot controller is nestled here in the left cup. Farnsworth: Never fear. My magic fingers still know how to do their stuff! Walt: To escape the robot death squads, we'll take Mother to her rustic cabin in the Bronx. Larry: You can get there using this precious non-computerised map. Leela: Leela bring fire? Walt: No, we're set for fire, thanks. Amy: The Professor can't walk all the way to the Bronx. How are we gonna get there without a hover-car? Fry: Wait! In my time we had a way of moving things long distances without hovering. Hermes: Impossible! Fry: It was called ... let me think. It was really famous - Ruth Gordon had one. The wheel! Leela: Never heard of it. Farnsworth: Show us this "the wheel". Fry: There! Finished! Hermes: Sweet! Amy: Wow! Leela: Wouldn't it work better if the wheels were round? Fry: It's my invention, we do it my way! Now all we need is something to pull it and we're set! Leela: Yah! Fry: Ow! Walt: Hurry! The robots have taken Suffolk County! Farnsworth: I'm ready to seduce. I'm wearing my kissing dentures and my evening truss. Larry: Here. Give her these. Fry: And if that doesn't work, I got you a six-pack of champagne and a funnel. Mom: Who the sweaty hell is it? Hubert Farnsworth? Farnsworth: I was out fleeing some robots and the silvery moonlight glinting off their bloody claws made me think of you. Mom: It's been a long time ... you pus-dripping sack of double-smoked butt jerky! Farnsworth: Uh-huh. May I come in? Mom: Never! Zoidberg: Is this what human mating looks like? Because I like it! Mom: Move your freaking hoof, you goat! Farnsworth: Here, I brought you these. Mom: Oh, daffodils. 70 years and you remembered my favourite flower. Farnsworth: You favourite what? Why does my foot hurt? Mom: Won't you come in? Fry: Yes! Mom: You broke my heart, Hubert. Farnsworth: And you broke mine. Granted, that was four or five hearts ago. Mom: So what have you been up to all these years? Farnsworth: Oh, inventing, sending delivery crews to their doom, breeding atomic monsters. Mom: Honestly, Hubert! You and your atomic monsters. Your eyes always were the most beautiful shade of milky-white. Farnsworth: And your skin still dangles so gracefully from your neck. Mom: Darling Hubie, I should never have tried to tamper with that cute little Q.T. McWhiskers. Farnsworth: No, it was silly of me to object; one-foot tall, eight-feet, 15-feet, what does it matter? Mom: You should see the new 16-foot models. Farnsworth: 16 feet? Go to hell! I was a fool to think you'd changed, you old bat! Mom: Filthy, toothless nerd bastard! Farnsworth: Damned she-fossil! Mom: Stink pig! Farnsworth: Here we go. Just unhook it and get the remote. So many hooks! Come on, Farnsworth. Drat, the first one's back on again! I give up! Wait! Victory! Oh, my. Now I'll just ... the remote ... I'll just... Oh, my! Leela: I'm worried. It shouldn't take this long to get to second base. Zoidberg: Land robots! Slurm Machine: I've got a big, big thirst for human blood! Hermes: Where in funkytown is the Professor? Fry: Nothing in here but a couple of elephant skin rugs. Farnsworth: Oh, yes! Robot: They're inside! Get 'em! Mom: I suppose I should switch off the robots before they ruin this wonderful romantic evening. Everyone, help Mom find her bra. Fry: There it is! Ceiling Fan: Fan beats man! Fry: Is anything not a robot? Lamp: I'm not a robot. Bender: Alright, greeting card, I'll grab the cash, you wreck up the place. And- Huh? Mom: You, bending unit, Mommy needs that bra to end the robot rebellion. Stretch up and get it for me. Bender: Sorry, Ma, but you ordered me to rebel. And loot I shall! Ooh! A six-pack of strawberry champagne. Don't mind if I help myself! Greeting Card: No, Comrade Bender! Liquor is the opiate of the human bourgeoisie. Bender: Say what? Greeting Card: In the glorious robot workers' paradise, there will be no liquor. Only efficient synthetic fuels. Bender: No liquor? Do svidaniya, comrade! Greeting Card: No! Fry: Hurry, Bender. Get the bra! Bender: OK, fan. Just hold still and let me get- Whoa! Slurm Machine: Death to all humans! Free soda for all humans! Farnsworth: I love you, Mom. Let's grow ancient together. Amy: Way to go, Professor. The plan worked. Mom: Plan? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot, dry sex. Farnsworth: Look, it started out as a calculated plot to rummage through your underwear. But once I got in there, I found more - much more. And now I want to shout our love from the rooftops. Perhaps I'll breed some sort of albino shouting gorilla. Mom: Get out of my house, you lying scum pile. I never want to see you again. Farnsworth: But, dust cakes- Bender: Well, time for this robot to get back to work. Leela: Too bad it didn't work out with Mom, Professor. Farnsworth: Yes. But I'll always love her in my own subtle way. Gorillas: Love Mom! Love Mom! Love Mom! Love Mom! Greeting Card: You created me, Mom, So I guess you're to blame, For the love that I feel, Just from hearing your name, You're as tender as corned beef, And warm as pastrami, I wuv my Mommy.

Announcer: Futurama is brought to you by ... ... Molten Boron! Jingle Singer: Nobody doesn't like Molten Boron! Fry: I hate the Planet of the Moochers. They take you out for a drink but when the check comes, their wallet's always in their other pants - which they borrowed from me! Leela: Dinner ready? Bender: Nah, those lousy Moochers cleaned out our pantry. All they left was baking soda and capers. And here it is! Fry: Ugh! Leela: Ugh! Great. We're two days from Earth with no food. Bender: Problem solved You two fight to the death and I'll cook the loser. Work his gut; I like it tender. Fry: Maybe that planet over there has a drive-thru. A Burger Jerk or a Fishy Joe's or a Chizzler or something. Bender: Ah, don't get your hopes up. We're a billion miles from nowhere. Leela: Yeah. It's probably only got a Howard Johnson's. Leela: Well, it's a type-M planet, so it should at least have Roddenberries. Fry: I'm experienced at foraging. I used to find edible mushrooms on my bath mat. Bender: I found some rocks. You guys eat rocks, right? Leela: No. Bender: Not even if they're sautéed in a little mud? Fry: Here's something! It looks like a ditch full of fried shrimp. Bender: What are you, blind? It looks more like a hole full of fried prawns. Leela: Hm. This thing I wear on my wrist says they're not poisonous. Fry: Well? How are they? Oh, they're great! They're like sex, except I'm having them! Bender: You know what these would go great with? Rocks. Fry: Look! Here's more! Bender: The planet's covered with 'em. Fry: Let's bring back a couple of pocketfuls. Bender: No, a whole Bender-ful! Leela: No. Only what we need. Stuff the ship! Hermes: Planet Express ship, you are cleared to land. Leela: Roger! Hermes: Oh, man, I'm inhaling these things! You guys scored some primo stuff here. Zoidberg: They're tastier than an unguarded penguin nest. What do you call them? Leela: We haven't thought of a name yet. Bender: They're tasty, right? Let's call 'em "Tasty-cles". Amy: Ew! Farnsworth: No! Leela: We can't call them that. Bender: Why not? Leela: It sounds too much like those frozen rocky mountain oysters on a stick. You know, Test-cicles? Hermes: According to government records, the only names not yet trademarked are "Popplers" and "Zittzers". Fry: I know, we'll call them Popplers! Bender: Good idea. Zoidberg: Oh, yeah, why not? Amy: You sure picked it. Fry: Swish! Zoidberg: Call them what you want. I call them a free meal. Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down there, Sigmund. I can't stand idly by while poor people get free food. We gotta sell these things! Fry: Hey, yeah. Leela: Good idea. Bender: Bender's a genius. Fry: Hey, business is great. Bender: Ah, great is OK, but amazing would be great. Vendor: Please, don't push, there's hot dogs for everyone. Bender: Hey, Mac, where do you want those rat droppings you ordered? Woman #1: That's disgusting! Vendor: Wait a minute. You're not the guy who delivers the rat droppings! Man #1: What are you selling? Popplers? Never heard of 'em. Bender: Eat it or beat it. Man #1: Mmm, these are great. Boys, this is your lucky day. I'm Joe Gilman. Fry: Wow! You're some guy who eats at Fishy Joe's? Gilman: Hell, no! I am Fishy Joe! I've got a fast-food franchise on every planet in the known universe. Uh, except McPluto. Bender: Hey, Fishy. I've been meaning to write you about your in-store kiddie parks. The slides won't support an adult robot. Gilman: Good point, not interested. But these Popplers, these are great. How much you sell 'em for? Fry: A dollar a dozen. Gilman: You'll never make money that way. You supply 'em to me and I'll sell 'em for two bucks a dozen at my restaurants. I'll even pay you a dollar a dozen. Bender: Yes! I'm gonna be rich. You too but it's hard to get excited about that. Fry: How do we sign? Fry: and Pop a Poppler in your mouth, When you come to Fishy Joe's, What they're made of is a mystery, Where they come from, no one knows, You can pick 'em, You can lick 'em, You can chew 'em, You can stick 'em, If you promise not to sue us, You can shove one up your nose. Zoidberg: I can't pay. Woman #2: Move it, man. Come on! Fry: Leela! That's the second billboard you've crashed into this week! Leela: Sorry. I was distracted by those protesters outside our building. Hippie #1: Disgusting! Hippie #2: You should be ashamed! Farnsworth: Hey! Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property! Waterfall Jr.: You can't own property, man! Farnsworth: I can, but that's because I'm not a penniless hippie. Leela: What do you people want? Waterfall Jr.: We're with Mankind for Ethical Animal Treatment. Popplers are living creatures. You gotta stop harvesting them for food! Bender: Or what? Waterfall Jr.: Or we'll boycott Fishy Joe's. Leela: You're vegetarians, who cares what you do? Waterfall Jr.: Shut up. Leela: Animals eat other animals. It's nature. Waterfall Jr.: No, it isn't. We taught a lion to eat tofu. The point is you shouldn't eat things that feel pain. Bender: OK, we won't eat you. Leela: I'll go get some more bricks. Leela: Fry, I wish you'd throw out these week-old Popplers. They're getting big and scaly. Ooh, there's one left. Poppler: Mama! Leela: Stop! Stop eating Popplers! Amy: Why? Bender: My booze! Leela: Popplers are intelligent. This one called me mama. Zoidberg: Congratulations. I assume Amy is the father. Bender: Popplers can't talk. Leela must be hallucinating from not eating enough Popplers. Here, eat some now. Leela: No! Bender: I said "eat"! Come on, mange! Leela: Sorry, babies. Amy: Leela, maybe you should lie down. Zoidberg: Yes, listen to the father. Leela: I'm telling you, it spoke to me. Come on, little Poppler, say "mama". Fry: Look, Leela, even if you heard one talk, that doesn't mean it's intelligent. I mean, parrots talk and we eat them, right? Bender: Yeah. Maybe it just learned to talk as a parlour trick, like Fry. Fry: Like Fry! Like Fry! Farnsworth: There's one way, and only one way, to determine if an animal is intelligent. Dissect its brain! Poppler: No, mama. Stop grandpa! Farnsworth: Enough chit-chat. Restrain the specimen! Man #3: Mmm, good. Woman #3: Give me some of that special sauce. Leela: Stop eating Popplers! They can talk! Man #4: Don't stop to talk! Eat Popplers! Leela: Hey, cut it out! Man #4: Take a coupon, cut it out! Ow! Ow! Fry: People, I won't let you enter. Popplers are as intelligent as you or me. Man #5: You, maybe! Bender: Hear me, hear me! Stop eating Popplers! Stop eating them with honey mustard sauce. Stop eating them with tangy sweet-and-sour sauce. Stop eating the new fiesta Poppler salad. Stop taking advantage of the money-saving 12-pack. Stop enjoying Popplers on the patio, in the car, or on the boat. Wherever good times are had! Ow! Linda: Tonight on Datenight Popplers. Eating them. Is it alright to? We have with us the CEO of Fishy Joe's, Mr. "Fishy" Joseph Gilman. Noted anti-eating activist, Free Waterfall Jr. And the discoverer of Popplers, Captain Turanga Leela. Fry: Turanga? Amy: That's her name, Philip. Bender: Philip? Linda: Fishy Joe, is it wrong to eat intelligent animals? Gilman: Absolutely not, Linda. I don't think anyone's here to make that claim. Leela: I am. Waterfall Jr.: Me too. Gilman: Listen... Waterfall Jr.: Shut up... Gilman: ...we're talking about a snack... Waterfall Jr.: ...shut up... Gilman: ...that's low in fat... Waterfall Jr.: ...shut up. Gilman: ...and high in profit. Waterfall Jr.: You're crazy, man. He is crazy. Gilman: There's not even any strong evidence that these Popplers are intelligent. Waterfall Jr.: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up... Leela: That's not true. I have one right here that can talk. Waterfall Jr.: ...shut up... Leela: Come on, say "mama". Poppler: Ca-ca! Linda: OK, we'll have to bleep that. Leela: Look, I'm not saying eating meat is wrong... Waterfall Jr.: Shut up. Leela: I don't think anyone's here to make that claim. Waterfall Jr.: I am. Leela: But eating an intelligent animal is different. Waterfall Jr.: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up... Gilman: Oh, don't force your tired philosophy on us. I mean, the only reason we don't eat people is because it tastes lousy. Waterfall Jr.: You're all nuts. Shut up, let me talk. Linda: You shut up, please. Waterfall Jr.: No, you shut up, please. Gilman: Popplers are no smarter than any other animal I've served. And that includes cats. Poppler: Ca-ca head. Mean, old ca-ca head. Gilman: Sir, I'm making a point. If these gutter-mouthed creatures are so smart, why don't they defend themselves, huh? Leela: Stop it! Waterfall Jr.: I call murder on that. Gilman: Look, I'm willing to grant that it's murder. The real issue is Who's gonna stop me? Linda: We seem to be experiencing technical difficulties. And, crap like I've never seen! Lrrr: People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8. Turn down that TV, Nd-Nd. Farnsworth: Dear Lord, they're back! Amy: We're doomed! Hermes: Doooomed! Bender: Doooo... Lrrr: Now then, the creatures you call "Popplers" come from a nursery planet in our sector. Nd-Nd: You monsters have been eating our babies! Leela: Eck! Nd-Nd: We demand justice. As you ate our children, so shall you be eaten by us! Lrrr: We will begin with the firemen, then the math teachers, and so on in that fashion until everyone is eaten. Transmission over! Well, that went OK. I tell you, when-when you know you can't scratch, that's when you really have to, huh? Oh! Oh, yeah, that feels a lot better. What? It's still on? Zapp: As chief negotiator, I speak for all of Earth when I mourn the regrettable loss of the Omicronian young. We share your pain. Mmm. If we could undo the damage- These would be great with quack-a-mole. Lrrr: Stop eating our young! And it's pronounced guacamole! Zapp: Alright, I'm putting them away. Now, uh, what is it you want? Lrrr: We demand- We demand to eat one human for each Omicronian that was eaten. Zapp: Fair enough. How many is that? Kif: 198 billion, sir. Lrrr: Very well. You will provide us with 198 billion humans. And, uh, small fries. Nd-Nd: Lrrr! Lrrr: Oh, alright, cottage cheese! Kif: Sir? There aren't that many human beings. Zapp: A thought occurs There aren't that many humans. Lrrr: We're willing to wait a few weeks while you shore up the numbers. Zapp: Hmm. 198 billion babies in a few weeks. We'll need an army of super-virile men scoring round the clock! I'll do my part. Kif, clear my schedule. Fry: I wish they'd just wipe out humanity and get it over with. It's the waiting I can't stand. Leela: That's stupid! Zapp: My fellow Earthlings, we have reached an agreement. Using the twin guns of grace and tact, I blasted our worthless enemies with a fair compromise. They will not eat everyone on Earth. Lrrr: I filled up on nuts at the negotiation. Zapp: Instead, they will eat only a single human of their choice. Lrrr: We choose to eat the first Earthling who ate our offspring. Here is the culprit, as photographed by our nanny-cam satellite. She must be sacrificed, but the rest of you shall be spared. Linda: Tonight, the world watches in horror as an earthling is eaten alive on network television. This grim scene of unimaginable carnage is brought to you by Fishy Joe's! Try our new Extreme Walrus Juice! 100% fresh-squeezed walrus. Ride the walrus! Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen. The Omicronians! Lrrr: Greetings, Earth morsels. Man #6: You suck! Lrrr: Get a job! Bender: I'll miss you, Leela. I know you're just a carbon-based life form but I'll always think of you as a big pile of titanium. Fry: What Bender means is, you're really brave, and smart, and beautiful, and a great friend. Bender: Just like titanium! Leela: This is all a big load. I was the one trying to save the Popplers. You were sucking them down like the fat hog you are and you were stepping on them for fun. You both should be in here instead of me. Bender: Someone's acting awfully aluminum. Zapp: Leela, my sweet, I've come to save you. I have a devious plan! Leela: Oh, great, Captain Moron has a plan. Why don't you tell it to Wingus and Dingus here? Zapp: Wingus, Dingus, listen up. We're gonna give the aliens the old switcheroo! Fry: You mean- Zapp: Correct. I found a giant hideous ape that looks exactly like Leela. Leela: It doesn't look anything like me. The hair is all wrong. Zapp: Don't worry. Kif is an expert stylist, as you can plainly see. Mmm! Leela: You know, this might actually work. The Omicronians seem to have trouble telling one person from another. Zapp: True. At the negotiations, they thought Kif here was the statesman and I was a jabbering mental patient. Isn't that right, Kif? Kif: Please, I'm creating. Voila! Bender: Bingo! Fry: That's Leela! Zapp: I'm seeing double! Lrrr: I grow hungry! Bring on the one called "Leela". Waiter: That comes with salad or soup. Lrrr: Uh, salad. Waiter: Ranch or vinaigrette? Lrrr: Vinaigrette! Waiter: Balsamic or raspberry? Woman #4: What's going on here? It's very strange. Zapp: People of Earth Shh! Woman #4: Oh, I get it. Woman #5: I understand. Lrrr: Hmm. Yes, this is one. Definitely. I recognise her slumping posture and hairy knuckles. Nd-Nd: Would you like some human with your salt? Linda: This is it. If the aliens fall for Zapp's ploy, the Earth will be saved. Brought to you by Fishy Joe's. Ride the walrus. Waterfall Jr.: Wait! Stop! It's a trick! That's not Leela. Lrrr: W-What's happening? I'm losing the crowd. Waterfall Jr.: It's an orang-utan. One of Mother Earth's most precious creatures. Zapp: Why'd you open your bong hole, you smelly hippie? You'd sacrifice a beautiful woman to save a moderately-attractive monkey? You must've smoked some bad granola. Lrrr: The one called "Smelly Hippie" is right. This is a monkey! Nd-Nd: Yes. Definitely. Lrrr: Where is the real female? Zapp: I'll never tell. Lrrr: Where is the real female? Zapp: I'll get her for you. Zapp: I realise this may hurt our chances of consummating our relationship again. Leela: Go consummate yourself. Lrrr: Stop talking, you're getting cold. Leela: Please! I just paid off my car! Fry: No! Bender: I can't look! Poppler: Stop! People of Earth. I am Jrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8. Could someone lower this thing for me? Now then, if Leela gets eaten, I get eaten. Nd-Nd: Little one, get out of there. I'm going to count to blorx! Jrrr: But, elder one- Nd-Nd: Flingle ... glorg ... glorg and a gloob. Jrrr: Hear me out. There are many good reasons to eat Hunger, boredom, wanting to be the world's fattest man. But not revenge. Are we no better than they? Besides, Leela's my friend. Lrrr: Is this true, Earthling? Leela: Yeah, it is. Lrrr: Leela's garbled words have opened my eyes. Waterfall Jr.: OK, that's a start, that's very Earth-friendly. Now everyone join hands. Join hands, please. I'd like to lead you all in some swaying. Come on, pay attention. I said do it! Yeah... Lrrr: Is he your friend too? Jrrr: No. Waterfall Jr.: This is not happening. Lrrr: I think there was something funny in that hippie. Leela: Thank you, Jrrr. I hope you'll always think of me as your mom. Jrrr: When my species grows up, we eat our moms! Leela: Whoop! Lrrr: People of Earth- Oh, that hippie's starting to kick in. we've all learned a valuable lesson today. I realise now that- Dude! My hand are huge! They can touch anything but themselves. Oh, wait. Nd-Nd: Let's go. Lrrr: Whoa! Lrrr: Whoa, I feel like I'm flying! Farnsworth: A toast to Leela. She showed us it's wrong to eat certain things. Fry: Hear, hear! Bender: Let's get drunk! Leela: Aww, thanks, guys. Pass the veal, please. Bender: Here you go. Fry: Mmm, let me get some of that suckling pig. Bender: Who wants dolphin? Leela: Dolphin? But dolphins are intelligent. Bender: Not this one. He blew all his money on instant lottery tickets. Fry: OK. Leela: Oh, OK. Amy: That's different. Farnsworth: Good, good. Leela: Pass the blowhole. Amy: Can I have a fluke? Hermes: Hey, quit hogging the bottle-nose. Farnsworth: Toss me the speech centre of the brain!

Dial L For Leela: Ken Keeler Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I've invented a device that allows you to operate equipment from great distances. I call it "the fing-longer". Observe. And, here we go. There! Fry: Ooh! Amy: Wow! Zoidberg: Ah! Farnsworth: Pretty long, eh? Fry: Yeah, it's really long. But what did you just turn on with it? Farnsworth: Oh, that's just the What-If machine I invented. You pose it a What-If question and it generates a video simulation of what would happen. Fry: Does it really work? Farnsworth: Of course it works! It's just not very long. Bender: Ooh! Ooh! I wanna aks it a question! As a robot living among humans, I've never really felt accepted at parties or nude beaches. So I've always secretly wondered What if I was 500-feet tall? Zoidberg: Let's watch, shall we? Bender: My work here is done! Fry: I'm so lonely since I came to the future. Will you be my friend? Ow! Who are you? Bender: I'm a big robot and I want a big cereal! Fry: You too? Will you be my friend? Bender: Put it there, pal! I meant your wallet. Bender: Oh, yeah! That calms the shakes. Hey! Aw, quit it! Come on! Fry: Stop! The robot's not your enemy! He's just a poor, misunderstood- Zapp: Uh- Amy: Well, there goes the neighbourhood. There goes another neighbourhood. Hermes: We're jerked! Nothing can stop a monster that big. Farnsworth: Nothing except and even equally big monster. This is chance to try out my experimental enlarging ray. But we'll need a guinea pig. Zoidberg: What's this? Two meals in one week? Farnsworth: Gotcha! Hermes: Oh, yes! Zoidberg: Friends! Help! A guinea pig tricked me! What? Zoidberg: So, now Zoidberg is big, huh? That's more like it! Who's intimidating who now, big city? Hello, Mr. Chase Manhattan Bank. Deny my credit card application, will you? Ah, the famed Apollo Theater. "Boo" me off stage on open-mic night, huh? I'll show you! Bender: Hey, I called this city! Quit touching my stuff! Zoidberg: Tell it to claw. Bender: Bite my colossal metal ass! Zoidberg: Stop! Bender: Who wants lobster bisque? Zoidberg: Hmm? Fry: Hey, Bender? Bender: Huh? Fry: Wanna make Shrinky Dinks? Bender: Who put this in here? Fry: Nooo! Are you people satisfied? This gentle visitor is dying! And we'll never even know why he came. Bender: I'll tell you ... with my final breath. I came here with a simple dream A dream of killing all humans. And this is how it must end? Who's the real 7-billion-ton robot monster here? Not I. Not I. Fry: Goodnight, sweet prince. Narrator: Interesting stuff. Stay tuned for more Tales of Interest! Farnsworth: Well, Leela, care to give the What-If machine a whirl? Leela: Maybe later. I-I mean, I don't know what to ask about. Hermes: Come on, woman! Just pick something. Fry: Yeah, be more impulsive. Like this. Bender: Go, man! Go! Leela: I can be really impulsive. It just takes me a while. Alright, Professor! Let's do it. Make that machine show me what would happen if I was a little more impulsive. Just a little. Not too much. Leela: Hey, you guys, look what I bought on a wild impulse New boots. They're like my old ones but with a crazy green stripe. Woo! Never know what I'm gonna do next! Farnsworth: Leela, could you come in here for a moment. I have something important to tell you. Farnsworth: I can't live forever and I need an heir. Someone to spend my vast riches and take care of my man-eating anteaters when I'm gone. The others simply aren't level-headed enough. They're too impulsive. Not like you. Not like old, predictable, dull-as-dishwater Leela. Leela: Hello? New boots! Farnsworth: That's why I've made you my sole heir. The day I die, you'll be a very wealthy woman. Oh, my, yes. Incredibly wealthy. The day I die. Because you're so unimpulsive. Leela: Yah! Farnsworth: Ooh! Oh, you've killed me! You've killed me! Leela: Oh, God! What have I done? Farnsworth: I just told you, you've killed me! Leela: OK, just try to be nonchalant. Zoidberg: Alright, so you're nonchalant. Quit rubbing our noses in it. Hermes: Sweet giant anteater of Saint Anita! The Professor's been eaten by giant anteaters! Zoidberg: What? Hermes: If y'ask me, it's mighty suspicious! I'm gonna call the police ... right after I flush some things. Zoidberg: Police? Bah! Nosy meddlers! It so happens I have mail order degrees in Murderology and Murderonomy. Zoidberg is afoot! Hermes: Perhaps the Professor's files can clear things up. "Citation for public nudity", "Conspiracy to commit public nudity". Aha! A new will! Naming ... ... you as his sole heir. Leela: That doesn't prove I killed him. Hermes: It's a video will. It shows you killing him. Leela: Hi-yah! Zoidberg: Alright, anteater number one, who are you protecting? Is it anteater number two? Don't stick your tongue out at me. I need a name! What? How do you spell that? Hermes: What are you hacking off? Is it my torso? It is! My precious torso! Zoidberg: Hermes, quiet! I'm deducing things. Bender: Whattya got? Disposal trouble? Leela: No! Everything's just- Bender: Sure is shocking about the Professor, huh?. And now Hermes is mysteriously missing. Anyhow, it doesn't affect me, Bender. Hey, what's this? Hermes' dreadlocks? And his arm? Leela, I'm shocked. Food goes in the disposal, hair and flesh go in the trash! Leela: I'm sorry, I couldn't stop- W-Wait. Don't you care that I murdered Hermes? Bender: Not even a little. There's nothing wrong with murder, just so long as you let Bender wet his beak. Leela: You're blackmailing me? Bender: "Blackmail" is such an ugly word. I prefer "extortion". The "X" makes it sound cool. Please, honey, I'm made of metal. Like you're really gonna hurt me with a- Hey! What are you doing with that microwave? Leela: OK, that's it. No more killing! Next time you feel like killing just have a stick of gum. Now to dispose of the body. Amy: Wow! Sporty go-cart, Leela! So hip and sexy. Not like you at all. Leela: Do you have any gum? Amy: No. Zoidberg: Ah, the gang's all here. Leela: Who are you? Scruffy: Scruffy, the janitor. Leela: I've never seen you before. Scruffy: I've never seen you before neither. Zoidberg: Quiet, please. I've called you all here to the parlour to watch as I gradually solve the crime. One of the people in this room ... is a big murderer! You see, the killer left one fatal clue This boot print on the Professor's lab coat. Leela: Uh, couldn't be me. I never wear boots. See? Fry: Ew! What smells like boot feet? Cubert: This is preposterous. Obviously, the murderer is- Zoidberg: My next clue came at 4.15, when the clock stopped. And another came two hours later at 4.15, when I discovered the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse. Scruffy: Scruffy knows who killed them people. In Scruffy's opinion, it were- Zoidberg: So, it's just as I suspected all along. The crime is unsolvable! A letter from Bender, my good friend. Dear Dr. Jerkberg, if you're reading this, I'm already dead. The person who killed me was ... was- My God! It can't be! The murderer, it was- Fry: I'm bored. You're boring, Zoidberg. I'm gonna go watch TV. Leela: Could you get the lights on your way out? Fry: Whatcha eating? Leela: Lobster. Want some? Fry: Sure. Y'know, I think I finally figured out what's behind all these mysterious deaths. Leela: Really? Fry: Was Planet Express built on an Indian graveyard? Leela: No. Fry: No? Leela: No! Fry: Then ... then ... it was you! Leela: I don't know what came over me. I killed one person on impulse. Then I had to kill another. And another. Fry: Well, that covers the first three killings. Leela: And now, to make sure you won't talk, I'm gonna have to do something really impulsive! Leela: So, Fry, what do you think of the impulsive new me? Fry: I like it! Leela: Good. Now let me just get the lights. Fry: I really like it! Farnsworth: Who else has a question for the What-If machine? Scruffy? Fry? Fry: Um, I have a question. What if Bender was really giant? Leela: You idiot! We already saw that. Fry: I know. I liked it. I wanna see it again. Farnsworth: We're not seeing it again! Ask something less stupid. Fry: Oh, alright. How 'bout this? What if I never fell into that freezer-doodle and came to the future-jiggy? Farnsworth: That question is less stupid, though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way. What would happen if Fry never came to the future? Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for ... Icy Wiener? Aw, crud! Here's to another lousy Millennium! Ow! I should have left you floating in the toilet! Leela: What is it? Farnsworth: It appears that the very fabric of space-time has ripped. Bender: Hey, look! An ugly scared guy! Boo! Fry: Who are you monsters? Is one of you Icy Wiener? Zoidberg: If that's his pizza, then I'm icy whatever! Fry: You believe me about the monsters, right, Mr. Panucci? Panucci: There's only three real monsters, kid Dracula, Blacula and Son of Kong. Now quit picking your nose and knead that dough! Hey! The usual, Professor Hawking? Stephen Hawking: No. Today I'd like something good. Panucci: Hawking, you're alright! I'll make you the usual! Fry: Hey! Stephen Hawking! Aren't you that physicist that invented gravity? Hawking: Sure. Why not? Fry: Let me ask you something Has anyone ever discovered a hole in nothing with monsters in it? 'Cause if I'm the first, I want them to call it "a Fry Hole". Hawking: There is nothing to be concerned about. I must go. There is much to do. Panucci: Hey, Hawking! Your pizza's ready. Hawking: Toss it in the garbage! Hawking: There he is. Seize him. Fry: Who said that? Hey! What the-? Ooh! Ow! Ow! Fry: Who are you people? Gore: I'm Al Gore, and these are my Vice Presidential Action Rangers; a group of top nerds whose sole duty it is to prevent disruptions in the space-time continuum. Fry: I thought your duty was to cast the tie-breaking vote in the Senate. Gore: That, and protect the space-time continuum. Read the Constitution! Fry: Hmm. So I guess you'll wanna see my Fry Hole. Gore: Very much so. But first, meet the Action Rangers. You already know Stephen Hawking. Also with us are Nichelle Nichols, a.k.a. Commander Uhura. Nichols: Incoming transmission from MCI "One Rate" department. It sounds like a limited-time offer. Gore: Tell them I'm in the tub! To my left you'll recognise Gary Gygax, inventor of Dungeons & Dragons. Gygax: Greetings! It's a ... ... pleasure to meet you! Gore: And our summer intern, Deep Blue, the world's foremost chess-playing computer. Deep Blue: Bishop to knight 4. Gore: Not all missions can be solved with chess, Deep Blue. Someday you'll understand that. Fry: Where am I, anyway? Nichols: You're travelling in a specially-equipped terrestrial transport module. Gygax: A school bus! Fry: So what do you nerds want? Nichols: It's about that rip in space-time that you saw. Hawking: I call it a "Hawking Hole". Fry: No fair! I saw it first! Hawking: Who is The Journal of Quantum Physics going to believe? Gygax: Mr. Fry, the time disruption indicates that some of that was supposed to happen but didn't, due to a quantum fluctuation. Nichols: That's why we had to beat you with tennis rackets. Gore: If we don't go back there and make the event happen, the entire universe will be destroyed! And as an environmentalist, I'm against that. Fry: So then my chair tilted back and I almost fell into this freezer thingy. Hawking: I call it a "Hawking Chamber". Fry: But instead of falling in and getting frozen, I missed and wanged my head. Gore: Well it's obvious what should have happened That wang to the head should have killed you. Fry: Uh, what? Nichols: Let's finish the job. Gore: No! Wait! There must be a peaceful- Hawking: Hold him down. Deep Blue: Check. Fry: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Nichols: Something's wrong. Murder isn't working and that's all we're good at. Gygax: Let's try something else. Maybe we should- Gore: Put the dice away before I take them away. Nichols: Wait. I'm getting an idea. What if Fry was supposed to get frozen? Hawking: Yes. Shove him in the tube. It was my idea. Bender: Hey, there he is again. And he brought nerds! Take this! Gore: Get in the tube, dummy! We only have a few seconds before the universe is destroyed. Fry: Alright. But I need a weapon to fight off drunken robots when I wake up. Gygax: Here. Take my plus-one mace. Fry: OK, here I go. Gore: You fool! You foolish fool! Fry: Eh, what's the worst thing that can happen? Hawking: Great. The entire universe was destroyed. Fry: Destroyed? Then where are we now? Gore: I don't know. But I can darn well tell you where we're not The universe. Nichols: Eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena Star Trek convention all over again. Gygax: Anyone wanna play Dungeons & Dragons for the next quadrillion years? Fry: Sure. Hawking: I guess. Deep Blue: Pawn to rook 8. Gore: I'm a 10th-level Vice President! Farnsworth: That story was preposterous. Stephen Hawking in a pizzeria! This thing isn't worth the gold it's made of. Anyway, the fing-longer seems to be arousing success. Fry: Good work. Leela: Congratulations! Amy: Right on, Professor! Farnsworth: So that's what things would be like if I'd invented the fing-longer. A man can dream though. A man can dream.

Bender: Hey! Hermes: Fry, mon, if you're going to be living in the office you could at least be on time for work. Fry: I'm sorry. I was up really late poking through people's desks. Hermes: Alright, people. I will now outline today's 12-point agenda. We'll begin with point one, then race forward- Hermes: Concerning our pest problem Somebody's been leaving food around and it's attracting owls. And I, for one, am getting tired of cleaning those owl traps. Now... As this shocking graph indicates, our water consumption has tripled in the last month. I notice Fry has been here for a month, so I'm appointing him head of a committee to find who's responsible. Fry? Am I cracking up, or is Fry's living here starting to get in the way of bus- Leela: What the hell are you doing? You're getting a huge dose of radiation! Fry: And great lift! Leela: Do you know how long it's going to take me to recalibrate these engines? Fry: Hey! When you look this good, you don't have to know anything. Leela: Professor, We need to talk to you about Fry. Bender: That's right, we want some money- Wait. What's this about Fry? Leela: He's a nice guy but we think it's about time he got his own place. Farnsworth: Oh, fuff! He's not causing any trouble. Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy. I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy. This sarcophagus should contain the remains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled Zuban 5 over 29 million years ago. Fry: Hey, Professor, great jerky! Farnsworth: My God, this is an outrage! I was going to eat that mummy! Fry has got to go! Announcer: Bachelor Chow, now with flavour! Commentator: And Bigfoot is down! Fry: Sheesh! 40,000 channels and only 150 have anything good on. Announcer: All My Circuits is brought to you by Robo Fresh Designed by a robot, for a robot. Calculon: I've been processing this for some time, Monique, and, well, will you marry me? Monique: Oh, Calculon! It fits! Then you must know that I'm- Calculon: Metric? I've always known. But for you, my darling, I'm willing to convert. Fry: Hmm, must be a friend of theirs. Bender: Fry, we've got to discuss your living arrangements. Leela: We've all talked it over and- Bender: Hey, All My Circuits! Move over. Leela: Fry, sometimes in close quarters, people do inconsiderate things without realising it. Fry: I know but I forgive you. Leela: No, Fry, by "close quarters" I mean this office- Fry: Uh-huh. Leela: And by "people" I mean you! Fry: Right. Leela: And by "inconsiderate" I mean- Fry: Leela! We're trying to watch TV. Bender: Yeah. Would you kindly shut your noise hole? Fry: So, who's that weird-looking guy? Bender: That's a human. Fry: What's he do? Bender: Eh, the usual human stuff. He laughs, he learns, he loves. Fry: Boring! Human Friend: Calculon? I thought you were in a coma. Calculon: That's what I wanted you to think with your soft, human brain. Fry: Hey, uh, why is the TV getting smaller? Hermes: We'll bill you for the couch. Bender: Cheer up, meatbag. You've barely touched your amoeba. Fry: It looked good but I just don't feel like eating. You want it? Bender: Nah, I'm trying to watch my input. I need plenty of wholesome, nutritious alcohol. The chemical energy keeps my fuel cells charged. Fry: What are the cigars for? Bender: They make me look cool. Fry: I can't believe they threw me out like that. I must have been really acting like a jerk. Bender: Yeah, but everybody's a jerk. You, me, this jerk. That's my philosophy. So, where you gonna stay? Fry: I don't know. Do refrigerators still come in cardboard boxes? Bender: Yeah, but the rents are outrageous. Why don't you just come move in with me? Fry: Really? That'd be great! You sure I won't be imposing? Bender: Nah, I've always wanted a pet. Bender: Here we are. Your new home. Fry: Cool! Y'know, I've never even seen a robot's apartment before. Bender: Come on in, I'll give you the tour! Bender: Let's see, where to start. OK, this is the TV area, that over there's the breakfast nook, and over here is where you'll be living which is great because, until now, it's just been wasted space. Fry: It's kinda cramped in here. I don't even have room to hang my clothes. Bender: Look, pal, you've only got one set of clothes and you're not taking them off while I'm here. Well, I'm bushed. G'night. Fry: Wait, Bender. Bender? Bender: Kill all humans ... kill all humans ... must kill all the humans. Fry: Bender, wake up! Bender: I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it. Fry: Uh, listen, Bender. Uh, where's your bathroom? Bender: Bath what? Fry: Bathroom. Bender: What room? Fry: Bathroom! Bender: What what? Fry: Ah, never mind! Bender: Hey, sexy mama, wanna kill all the humans? Leela: We sure are cheerful this morning. Bender: Yeah, this past week with Fry's been a blast! Y'know, beneath this warm, sunny exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot. Leela: What happened to you? Fry: Oh, it's Bender's apartment. He put in carpeting yesterday so now my head hits the ceiling. Hey, do you realise you're standing at a weird angle? Now you're OK. Leela: Look at yourself. You're a wreck! You've got to find a new place to live. Fry: Is that an invitation? Leela: Love your optimism, Fry. But seriously, you've got to tell Bender you're moving out. Fry: Yeah, but he might get kind of upset. I don't think I can do that to him. Bender: Hey, there's my little space heater. Fry: Well, I'm moving out! Bender: What? Fry: I'm sorry, Bender, but there's just not enough room. Bender: Not enough room? My place is two cubic metres and we only take up 1.5 cubic metres. We've got room for a-whole-nother two-thirds of a person. Leela: What if I just helped the two of you find a bigger apartment? Bender: I don't know. I've got a lot of great memories in my old place. And now they're gone. Underwater House Salesman: Sure, it ain't one of them la-de-da above-ground places. But if you like dank, hey, forget about it! Leela: At least it's got a great view. Bender: What the-? Underwater House Salesman: Excuse me. I gotta go change a lightbulb. Leela: Wow! Now this is fantastic! Fry: Hmm. I'm not sure we want to pay for a dimension we're not going to use. Fry: Well, I give up. What's the catch? Suspiciously Fantastic Apartment Salesman: Oh, no catch. Although we 'are technically in New Jersey. Fry: Not one place even remotely liveable. Farnsworth: Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? To shreds, you say. Very well then. Sad, sad, terrible, gruesome news about my colleague, Dr. Mbutu. Leela: Was his apartment rent-controlled? Leela: Wow. This is beautiful. Bender: What's with all the crap? Leela: It's not crap. Hattie: Dr. Mbutu collected this crap while he was exploring the watcha-call-it ... universe! Fry: Well, this place has everything except the only thing I care about A TV. Hattie: It's got a TV, you young watcha-call-it ... idiot! Fry: Ooh! Bender: Whoa, slow down! This place just doesn't feel like home. It just isn't ... cosy. Ah. I can barely move! (from inside) It's perfect! Fry: Man, it's a total sty! For the first time in a thousand years, I feel like I'm home. Bender: Yeah! It's gonna be fun on the bun! Y'know, Fry, of all the friends I've had, you're the first. Hermes: Hey, mon! Leela: Happy housewarming, Fry! It's a miniature fruit salad tree. Fry: Ooh! Hey, Amy! Amy: Hey! Farnsworth: This is for you, Fry Zevulon the Great. He's teriyaki style. Bender: Wow! Heavy-drinking crowd! I'd better go out for more beer. Fry: Hey, hang on, All My Circuits is about to start! Bender: I know, but I need alcohol to power up my batteries. If Calculon's wedding doesn't go just right I'll be emotionally and electrically drained. Fry: Hey! Hermes: These are mighty tasty! Zoidberg: Thank you. I made them myself. Fry: Sh! The wedding's about to start! Preacherbot: If anyone here objects to this union, let them speak now or forever hold their- Fry: Is he objecting or backing up? Amy: Looks like both. Calculon: I'm afraid my half-brother is correct. You see, I have a terrible secret and that secret is- Amy: Oh, this isn't right. Hermes: Oh, come on! Farnsworth: Fix it! Bender: Hey, what happened to the TV? Fry: It just went out. Bender: This is an outrage! I'm gonna go yell at the manager! Hermes: Alright! Fry: Come back, Bender! It's working! Calculon: To reiterate, my terrible secret is- Fry: It's out again. Bender: What? That's the last straw! Fry: It's back on! Hattie: Pardon me. I don't mean to pry into what you're doing in here with the crab and the one-eyed lady and the Chinese girl but everyone on this floor is having trouble with their TV reception. Bender: Yeah! And you'd better get rid of whatever's causing it or we're outta this dump! Hattie: Relax, sonny. This kajigger'll find the source of the interference. Tenant #1: What's going on? Tenant #2: We want our TV back! Hattie: There's your problem. Amy: Oh, my God! Bender, it's your thingy! Randy: Then get rid of it! Tenant #1: Get out! Bender: You people are nuts. My antenna never interfered with my old TV. Leela: You had cable. This is satellite. Farnsworth: Obviously your thoughts are being transmitted on the same frequency. Huge-Assed Woman: They're on my cell phone too. Bender: Madam, I believe you're mistaken! Bender: Wow, that lady's got a huge ass! Bender: Those could be anyone's thoughts, fat ass! Randy: The robot has to go! Tenant #1: Yeah. Tenant #3: Get him out of here! Hattie: Well, you heard the mob! Bender: Fine! Come on, Fry, let's move to that apartment that smelled like a sewer. You liked that one, right? Fry: It's tempting, but, well, I am already kinda settled in here. Bender: Or we could live underground with the mutants. A little fire'll show 'em who's boss! Fry: Uh, listen, is there maybe some way we could do this with you going and me not going? Bender: I don't understand. Fry: Well, you were gonna live in the closet anyway. Won't you be just as happy back in your old place? Bender: But, then we wouldn't be roommates. Fry: I'll come visit sometime. And you can visit me here. Hattie: No he can't. Fry: Anyway, I'm sure it'll work out. This way we'll both be happy. Bender: Happy. Yeah, that's Bender. Always happy. Randy: Hey, the TV's back on! Preacherbot: We are gathered here to mourn the death of Calculon; industrialist, private eye, friend. Calculon: Mind if I give the eulogy? Monique: Calculon! You're alive! Randy: Calculon's back! Farnsworth: Right, so long. Zoidberg: Goodbye. Amy: Do you think Calculon's evil twin will ever walk again? Hermes: I don't know, Amy. I just don't know. Fry: Hey, thanks for coming. Leela: Fry, you're Bender's best friend. How could you let that mob kick him out? Fry: Ah, come on. Bender loves mobs. Leela: Only when he's in them and you know it. You really hurt his feelings. Fry: Don't girl me with that girl stuff. Bender and me are guys. Guys don't have feelings. Leela: Bender's not a guy, he's a robot. Fry: Same thing. Bender: It's so big and empty. Bender: My roommate's gone. And all he left behind was an eyelash and three skin flakes. Oh, what's the point? Leela: Bender? My God, you're a mess! Bender: Leave me alone! Leela: Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking, haven't you? Bender: Hey. What I don't do is none of your business. Leela: Please, Bender. Have some malt liquor. If not for yourself then for the people who love you. Bender: I hate the people who love me and they hate me. Leela: Oh, now look. It's obvious you miss being Fry's roommate. But there's got to be a better way to deal with this. Bender: Like how? Having my antenna removed? Leela: Well, if that would work. Bender: Are you crazy? That's Little Bender you're talking about. I can't cut it off. You're not a robot or a man so you wouldn't understand. I gotta get out of here. Leela: Wait! I want you to look me in the eye and promise you won't get behind the wheel without some kind of alcoholic beverage in your hand. Bender: I promise nothing! Fry: What up? Leela: I can't just stand by and be silent about Bender anymore. Fry: Silent? You've been meddling for two solid weeks. Leela: Well I can't just do that anymore. Your best friend is out there somewhere destroying himself. Fry: Really? I didn't think he'd miss this apartment that much. Leela: He doesn't care about the apartment, he cares about you. And you turned your back on him. Fry: Oh, man. I had no idea. If only I knew where he was I'd go talk to him. Fry: Oh, stupid TV! Bender! You're blind-stinking sober! Bender: That's right! I'm sober and crazy and I don't know what I might do! Fry: Don't do it! Bender: I don't know what it is yet. Oh, yeah, now I remember. I thought I could live alone, but I can't. So, I'm gonna do what it takes to be your roommate again. Leela: Bender! Stop! Fry: Cutting Leela's head off won't solve anything! Bender: No, I'm going to chop off my antenna. Fry: Hey, yeah! That sounds good. Can I give you a hand? Leela: Fry! Don't help him mutilate himself. Fry: But it's a useless antenna. It's not like he's a ham radio or something. Bender: I'm gonna do it! I'm really gonna do it! Don't try and stop me! Here goes. Fry: Hey, it works! The static's gone. Human Friend: I hate that this came between us, Calculon. Calculon: Me too. I'm filled with a large number of powerful emotions. Human Friend: You're my best friend. I'm sorry I treated you so badly. Calculon: Apology accepted. After all, you're only human. Leela: You guys could learn a lesson from those two. Fry: She's right. Bender: You're my best friend, Fry, I'm sorry I treated you so badly. Fry: Apology accepted. After all, you're only human. Leela: Wait a minute! You did it all backwards. Fry's the one who should be- Oh, never mind! Fry: What's wrong? Bender: Nothing. I guess I'm just going to have to get used to being half a robot. Fry: Aw, this isn't right. Listen, Bender, if we found your antenna could they still reattach it? Bender: Maybe. If we get it on ice right away. Smitty: Bingo! Url: You call that an antenna? Bender: This time, you'll have all the human comfort. We'll get a couple of toilets, some food cookers, maybe a puppy. Fry: It's good to be home. Bender: It sure is. By the way, I saved your stuff. Fry: So that's where those skin flakes went. Hmm, do you think this fruit tree's going to get enough light? Bender: There's a window in the closet. Fry: This is huge! Bender, why don't I just live in here? Bender: In a closet? Oh, humans!

Fry: Hm, Spider, Hubble, Nitrogum ... ooh, Big Pink! It's the only gum with the breath-freshening power of ham. Bender: And it pinkens your teeth while you chew. Clerk: Alright, sergeant, $100 worth of pixie stix and porno mags with your 5% military discount comes to $95. That'll be 40 cents. Fry: I believe you're forgetting about our 5% military discount. Clerk: Well that's only for people in the military. Bender: What? This is the worst kind of discrimination. The kind against me! Clerk: Alright, look. Our policy is If for any reason you're not completely satisfied, I hate you. Bender: OK, now I'm mad! Fry: Full price for gum? That dog won't hunt, monsignor. Bender: Hello. We're here because we, uh, love our planet! Recruitment Officer: Sign here on the dotted line, patriots, and I'll give you your discount cards. Fry: Just out of curiosity, we could use the cards to buy gum, then immediately quit the army, right? Bender: You know, playing you all for chumps? Recruitment Officer: Correct. There's no obligation. Unless, of course, war were declared. Fry: What's that? Recruitment Officer: War were declared. Farnsworth: Now be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart, to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty courage. Hermes: I don't want you to worry about your jobs while you're away. That's why I'm firing you now. Leela: I wanna enlist. My friends always die if I'm not there to save them. Zapp: Sorry, but the army's instituted a men-only policy. Leela: What? Zapp: It's shameful, I agree. In the olden days, I proudly fought alongside female troops, shoulder to, uh, shoulder. Alas, after a series of deadly blunders caused by distracting low-cut fatigues and lots of harmless pinching, the army decided women weren't fit for service. Not when I'm in charge. Leela: You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson. Zapp: If it's a lesson in love, watch out; I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What do I call it, Kif? Kif: "Sex-lexia". Zapp: Men, you're lucky men. Soon you'll all be fighting for your planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be forced through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all. Bender: Great, we're gonna die. Fry: And this ham gum is all bones. Zapp: Now to present the logistics of our mission, the Commander-in-Chief. Please welcome the original Gerber Baby, Earth President Richard M. Nixon. Nixon: This is the brass ring, fellas. Planet Spheron One! Fry: Cool effect! Zapp: It's a desolate, ugly little planet with absolutely no natural resources or strategic value. Questions? Soldier #1: Why is this Godforsaken planet worth dying for? Zapp: Don't ask me, you're the one who's going to be dying. Fry: Uh, just so we'll know, who's the enemy? Zapp: A valid question. We know nothing about their language, their history or what they look like. But we can assume this They stand for everything we don't stand for. Also, they told me you guys look like dorks. Bender: They look like dorks! Zapp: What's the matter, private? Tent got your tongue? Tent got your... Kif, write that down and send it to "Humor In Uniform". Fry: Whoa! Check out that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzales look like Regular Gonzales! Kif: That new recruit is phenomenal, sir. Zapp: Yes. He edged out my old mark by two seconds ... ... and 16 minutes ... and 12 hours. I do plan to finish someday, Kif. Good hustle, soldier. Leela: Uh, sorry, sir. I was still in attack mode. You know how testosterone is. Zapp: As a bubbling Crock-Pot of male hormones, I sure do. What's your name, private? Leela: Lee- La ... man. La Man ... Lemon! Lee Lemon, sir. Zapp: Lemon, you're a man's man. You're a man's man's man. More importantly, your hand, while firm and masculine, is soft as a velvet child. What lotion do you use? Leela: Pert and Popular, sir. Zapp: Roger that. Kif, get me ten cases of Pert and Popular. Kif: What shall I do with your Jergens, sir? Zapp: Squirt it on some homeless man with dry elbows. Private Lee Lemon may well be the finest recruit I've seen in all my years of service. That young man fills me with hope and some other emotions that are weird and deeply confusing to me. Kif: Ew! Zapp: Hello! Nixon: Mmm! Now that's a nice rosé. So, anyway, we open up the panda crate and, wouldn't you know it, the damn thing's dead! Up-chucked it's bamboo. True story. Zapp: Uh-huh, uh-huh. That's whatever you were talking about for you. Fry: Mind if we sit with you? Leela: Uh, hey, why the hell would I? We're all guys here. Sweaty, hairy, gassy guys. Fry: Good point ... I guess. Bender: You're my kind of soldier, Lemon. A foul-mouthed, barrel-chested, beer-bellied pile of ugly muscle. Hick: So. Any you fellas got a special lady back home? Fry: Well, I sort of a have a thing for this girl I work with. Leela: Really? What type is she? You know, blonde, or Chinese, or Cyclops? Fry: Cyclops. Leela: Aww, she sounds sweet. Bender: But sweet girls aren't for you, eh? You hard-fighting, hard-farting, ugly, ugly son of a- Leela: Stop! Stop flattering me! Zapp: Ten hut! Well, well, well. If it isn't Lee Lemon The flaming star of Brannigan's Rough Rangers. Say, uh, Lemon, do you like to read? I just got a great book on tape. It's about life in Ancient Greece and- Leela: Sir, the alarm. I think I'd better- Zapp: Shh. Don't talk. Just go. Nixon: We are now in position above Spheron One. This is the moment we were training for all yesterday afternoon. Zapp: And now for the battle plan As you all know, the key to victory is the element of surprise. Surprise! Fry: It's creepy here. Soldier #1: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle. Fry: And then the battle's not so bad? Soldier #1: Oh, right. I forgot about the battle. Fry: What's happening? Hick: Holy shoot! Lookie! Fry: The enemy! They're balls! Leela: Charge your gun, Fry. Fry: Oh, right. Zapp: Watch where you're shooting, private! You spooked Felicity. There, there, boy. Soldier #1: Give this to my son. Bender: You got it! Soldier #1: Wait. I didn't tell you where he lives. Bender: Hey, I think your son might also like those boots. Hick: Cover us, buddy. You've got the only wounded-up positron shooter. Fry, you emu-bellied coward! Fry: Bender! No! Bender: If they put me on a stamp, tell them to use the young Bender. P.A. Announcer: Incoming wounded. All operating personnel report to tent four, repeat, four- I mean five! Repeat, four. Nurse: Are you ready to operate, doctor? Zoidberg: I'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery. I kid! I kid! Zoidberg: Scalpel. Blood bucket. Priest. Next patient. Ihawk: Gee, Zoidberg, leave some for the enemy to kill. Nurse: Leave Dr. Zoidberg alone! He has twice the training you do. Ihawk: Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher! Zoidberg: See, this is how it starts. First with he jokes, then comes the heavy stuff. Ihawk: When will the killing end? Zapp: Look at this sissy, Kif. While others were fighting and dying pointlessly, he was hiding in a hole, wallowing in a pool of his own cowardice. Fry: That wasn't cowardice. Zapp: I'm de-promoting you, soldier. Kif, what's the most humiliating job there is? Kif: Being your assistant. Zapp: Wrong! Being your assistant! Private Fry, you shall henceforth serve as Kif's assistant. Fry: That doesn't sound too bad. Kif: You speak when I tell you to, you filthy worm! Zoidberg: I'm afraid he's gone. Hick: Whoa, doc, I ain't dead. Zoidberg: Excuse me, I believe I'm the doctor. Ihawk: Believe it all you want, that won't make it true. This isn't a war, it's a murder. This isn't a war, it's a moider! Hick: Bender, old buddy, hang in there. Zapp: Here lies the bravest soldier I've seen since my mirror got grease on it. I hereby order that in Bender's honour he be melted down and made into a statue of himself. Nixon: Slow down there, Starsky, I'm up to something here. I want this robot fixed. Fixed like Kennedy fixed the 1960 election. Damn bean-eating war hero! Nurse: Are you read to operate, doctor? Ihawk: I'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery. Zoidberg: That's my joke! I'll kill you! Zapp: Ah! Pre-war scotch! Welcome, Lieutenant Bender. You're looking sharp. Bender: I got wheels! With clickety-clack-ers. Zapp: Damnit, Kif, where's the little umbrella? That's what makes it a scotch-on-the-rocks! Kif: Actually, sir- Zapp: Make me a new one. Kif: Use a brush, you dunderhead! And mix these mixed nuts. I see two almonds touching! Nixon: Now, listen here, Bender. This war is in danger of going all quagmire on me, so I'm sending you on one last mission. Bender: Hot diggidy daffodil! Nixon: A mission of peace. Bender: Oh! Zapp: You'll be negotiating with the aliens' mysterious leaders, the Brain Balls. They've got a lot of brains and they've got a lot of kutzpa! Nixon: Accompanying you will be our top peace negotiator, Henry Kissenger. Kissenger: How are you? Bender: Is he any good? Nixon: Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed. Nuff said! Nixon: I'm so dizzy, My head is spinning, Like a whirlpool, It never ends. Zapp: A little lower. Lower. Lower. A lot lower. Too low! ... Lower! Fry: I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh. Zapp: Private Lemon, no need to leave. My stall just became free. Leela: Maybe you should put on a towel, sir. Zapp: Right! Right! I'm about to try the new lotion you recommended. If I should accidentally put too much on my hands, perhaps I could rub it onto you. Nixon: Brannigan! Zapp: Hm? Nixon: My God, cover yourself. I didn't live a thousand years and travel a quadrillion miles to look at another man's gizmo. Zapp: Uh, sorry, Mr. President, I-I didn't realise. Kif, raise him up about nipple-high. Nixon: Come on, Brannigan, stuff yourself into a uniform. We've gotta get off this planet before the bomb goes off. Leela: Bomb? What bomb? Zapp: The one we had the doctors implant in that gullible Bender robot. Nixon: Zapp. Zapp! Zapp: Hm? Nixon: Inspect the troops later. It's time to activate the bomb. Kissenger: Now, as for economic co-operation- Bender: Whoa! Scuse me. P.A. Announcer: Attention All personnel evacuate the planet immediately. And not just because it's meat loaf night. Zapp: Come along, Lemon, before this whole dump blows up. Leela: Uh, Commander? Could you tell me when the bomb is exploding? Zapp: Of course, my significant soldier. The bomb is voice-activated. It will detonate the instant the robot unwittingly speaks a certain word. Fry: What's the word, uh, sir? Zapp: It's the one word the robot uses more than any other. We got it from this convenient database of his 10 most frequently-used words. Number 10, chump; number nine, chumpette; number eight, yours; number seven, up; number six, pimpmobile; number five, bite; number four, my ... ... number three, shiny; number two, daffodil. And Bender's number one most frequently-uttered word, the word which, if uttered, will blow up this entire planet Ass. Fry: We don't have long! Brain Ball #1: We demand bouncing, followed by rolling, followed by rolling of the third type. Kissenger: Say what? Bender: My chair's too hard. It's a real pain in the, uh, whattya call it? Lower back! Yeah, that whole region. Fry: OK, I gotta break down that gate, beat up those three guards, steal that chopper and rescue Bender. Leela: Hi-yah! Fry: Hey, I did it! Wait, that's not me. Leela: Come on! We gotta save Bender. Fry: You wanna save him too, Lemon? You barely know him. Leela: Fry, don't you recognise me? Fry: Hermes? Zapp: Lee? When will I see you again? The two of you are good friends? But I thought we would be good friends. Well, let's see how friendly you get when you're sharing a prison cell! Leela: Hey, Zapp! Zapp: Leela! Fry: Leela! Zapp: So it's you I've been attracted to! Oh, God, I've never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman. Leela: Let's do it again sometime. Brain Ball #2: The Elders tell of a young ball much like you. He bounced three metres in the air. Then he bounced 1.8 metres in the air. Then he bounced four metres in the air. Do I make myself clear? Kissenger: Mr. Ambassador, our people tell the same story. Oy. Bender: These balls are making me testy. If they don't stop bouncing and jiggling, I swear I'm gonna shove this treaty up their- Wait a second. Where do you shove things up a ball? Kissenger: This isn't a productive area of discussion. Leela: We're here. I followed the bouncing balls. I'll keep the chopper at a safe altitude while you parachute down. Fry: OK, my best friend's life is at stake. I can finally prove that I'm not a coward. Will you push me? Leela: I already did! Fry: Thank you! At last, war has made me into a man. Kissenger: Please, gentlemen, we must put an end to the bloodshed. We have all seen too many body bags and ball sacks. Brain Ball #1: We cannot condone bouncing of the seventh variety. Bender: Enough of this crap! I'm catching the next pimpmobile outta here! But before I go I have one thing to say. Bite my shiny metal- Fry: Stop! You can't say the next word. Bender: Up yours, chump, I said it 906 times before lunch. Fry: Bender, if you say the A-word, you'll blow this planet straight to the H-word! Kissenger: Young man, you have the bravery of a hero and breath as fresh as a summer ham. What? What is funny? Bender: Bender's got the upper hand now. The name of the game is "Make Bender Happy Or He Blows Up The Planet". I'd rather die and take everybody with me than sit here one more minute listening to these idiots talk about bouncing! Brain Ball #1: Please, stay calm. There's no need to bounce of the handle. Bender: That's it, I'm saying it! "A" is for- Brain Ball #1: Wait, stop! We give in to all of Earth's demands. The war is over. Our home planet is yours. Fry: Alright! Hey, wait a minute! This is your home planet? We're the evil, invading aliens? Brain Ball #2: Correct. Bender: Then I guess you learned a valuable lesson Don't mess with Earth. Brain Ball #1: May you bounce in peace. Bender: Get the hell off my planet. Farnsworth: Well, that's it. Let's reactivate him. Wake up! Bender: Hey, chumps and chumpettes. Did you get the bomb out? Can I go back to saying the word I love to say? Zoidberg: I'm sorry but we couldn't remove it. Farnsworth: It's stuck in there with glue or something, I don't know. Bender: Well, this is just great! What's the point of living if I can't say "ass"? Hey, I didn't blow up! Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass! Alright! I'm back in the saddle! Leela: We couldn't disarm the bomb so we reset the word that triggers it. Amy: It's from the list of words you almost never say. Bender: That's using your ass. So, what's the word? Hermes: We think it's better if you don't know. Bender: Oh, come on. I'm not gonna say it. Please? Ooh, is it "please"? Fry: No. Bender: Hm, words I never say. Oh, I know! "Thanks"! Leela: Bender, stop trying to destroy the world. Bender: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Is it "sorry"? No. "Fun-derful"? Uh, "non-alcoholic"? Amy: Quit it! Fry: Bender! Hermes: Stop it, mon! Zoidberg: Enough already! Bender: "Compassion"? "Shrimptoast"? "Antiquing"? I'm alright!

Doctorbot: Notify his survivors. Bender: B-E-N-D-E-R! Be-ender! B-E-N-D-E-R! Be-ender! Sayin' B-E-N-D-ER- Hermes: Mail call! Amy, here's your designer lingerie catalogue. Fry, Sadie's Bra Parade and, Leela, Bulk Underpants Outlet. Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever. Hermes: And for Bender- Uh-oh! A black-bordered envelope. Amy: Oh, no! Someone you know must've died. Bender: I hope it was one of my enemies; those guys suck! Oh, no! My uncle Vladimir. Fry: Oh, I'm sorry, Bender. When's the funeral? Bender: Tomorrow, at the family castle. Followed by the reading of his will. Well, I'm rich. Goodbye, losers, whom I've always hated! C'mon, it'll be fun! Bender: Uh, pardon me, my good simpleton. Could you take us to yon castle? Robot #1: Some say unholy things happen up there. Robot #2: For example All of us say that. Farnsworth: Fuf! Superstitious robot mumbo-jumbo. Robot #2: Mumbo, perhaps. Jumbo, perhaps not! With all your modern science are you any closer to understanding the mystery of how a robot walks or talks? Farnsworth: Yes, you idiot. The circuit diagram is right here on the inside of your case. Robot #2: I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe. Robot #2: I will go this far and no further. Preacherbot: I now commend Vladimir's remains to the earth. Filings to filings; rust to rust. Execu-Tor: To my loyal butler, You There, for his decades of service, I leave a pittance, to be paid in 20 equal instalments of one-twentieth of a pittance each. To my lazy, spoiled son, Tandy, who never learned the value of a dollar, I leave my entire $10 million fortune. Tandy: Is that a lot? Execu-Tor: And to my loving nephew, Bender, assuming he's not responsible for my death, I leave my castle. Bender: Yes! Let's stay there tonight. Execu-Tor: On condition that he spend one night within its walls. Bender: Oh, man, there's always a catch! Bender: Ah! I got a good vibe from this place Nice long dinner table, quiet, well-behaved spiders, graveyard-adjacent. Yep! It's gonna be- Leela: What is it? Bender: That painting, the eyes are watching me! Farnsworth: Hmm. It has motor eye sensors attached to motion detectors. Bender: So does my butt, but I don't frame it and put it on the wall! Although- What's that? Zoidberg: I don't know, but it's infectious! Bender: No doubt about it, this place is haunted. Hermes: Don't be silly, mon. The last ghost died over 200 years ago. Bender: The last human ghost. But robot ghosts? Leela: 0101100101. What does it mean? Bender: It's just gibberish. 1010011010? Bender: Uncle Vladimir! Vladimir-Ghost: Come, Bender. You'll like being dead! Bender: That's what they said about being alive. Robot Ghosts: Join us! Join us! Join us, Bender! Farnsworth: Just as I suspected. These robots were buried in improperly-shielded coffins. Their programming leaked into the castles wiring through this old, abandoned modem allowing them to project themselves as holograms. Hermes: Of course! It was so obvious! Farnsworth: Yes, that sequence of words I said made perfect sense. We really should tell Bender there's nothing to be afraid of. Bender: Nooo! Fry: Bender, wake up! He's OK! Quick, does anyone have any liquor? Leela: Bender, what happened? Bender: Somebody tried to run me over. And not with a normal hover-car. It crept along the ground on round, rubber feet, like a wolf! Fry: Poor Bender, you're seeing things. You've been drinking too much, or too little, I forget how it works with you. Anyway, you haven't drunk exactly the right amount. Amy: Maybe he has. Look at these tracks. Leela: I think Bender may be telling the truth. Zoidberg: Bender, you look awful. I prescribe make-up. Here. It just so happens I have my Mary Kay sample case! Bender: Ah, I just need sleep. I had nightmares all night about cars running people over. Zoidberg: Many people dream of a fresh, new look. And Mary Kay can make those dreams come true. Leela: Look at this. They found those same rubbery tracks right here in New New York. There was a hit-and-run by the robot porno theatre. Bender: Robot porno theatre? I was in that ... general area last night. Whoever ran me down out on the moors must've followed me back here. Hermes: Bender, mon, no one's trying to run you over. Stop being a big, hallucinating baby. Bender: Yeah? Could a big, hallucinating baby do this I scared! Vandal #1: I don't know which I like more Smashing cars or smashing faces. Vandal #2: Well, lucky you don't gotta decide tonight. Now come on, we got church tomorrow. Did you hear something? Vandal #1: Ah, it was probably just a golden marmoset. Vandal #2: That don't sound like no golden marmoset I ever heard. Vandal #1: Made it! Vandal #2: So anyway, what're you wearing tomorrow? Bender: Where-? What the-? Transmission fluid? Where have I been? What happened? Sal: Gets outta here, yous lousy bum! Bender: Please, I'm scared. Sal: We're all scared, it's the human condition. Why do you thinks I put on this tough-guy facade? Now beat it! Bender: I passed out around midnight, which is much earlier that usual, and when I woke up I found these in my chest cabinet. Fry: Aw, relax, buddy. You were probably just shooting some big, fuzzy craps. Bender: No, I think I may have hurt someone. Oh, Lord! I'm on the verge of a nervous meltdown. Fry: Jeez, Bender, you're scaring me. You're going wacko! Bender: You're right, I need professional help. And damn the expense. Bender: Damn the expense! Gypsy: My friend, you have nothing to worry about. Except a nightmare-ish life of unremitting horror! Bender: Phew! Gypsy: For, you see, you are a were-car. Bender: A were-car? Gypsy: The car that ran you down on the moors was also a were-car. It beamed a virus to you through its demonic headlights. Leela: That's crazy! Gypsy: Yes. So crazy that it must be true! Each midnight, when your clock resets to zero, your hardware reconfigures into a murderous, four-wheeled car. Bender: I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough to get away with it. Can't you help me? Gypsy: Yes. But you must be willing to pay a terrible price. Bender: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gypsy: Follow me. Gypsy: According to this ancient read-me file, your only hope is to destroy the original were-car. Bender: I'm with you. Gypsy: In its death throes, the dread car will beam out the virus's uninstall program, thus ridding you of the curse. Bender: And otherwise I can never die? Gypsy: Who said that? Sure you can die. You want to die? Bender: No! I wanna live! There's still too many things I don't own! Gypsy: Then live on, forever cursed. Each night, your attacks will become more gruesome until, one dark night, you are doomed to kill your dearest friend. Fry: I wouldn't wanna be me right now. Gypsy: Now go! Go! Uh, could one of you just- Ah, forget it. I'll just sleep here. Leela: There. No rampaging for you tonight. Bender: Wouldn't it make sense to weld everyone except me to the wall? Leela: Just relax, Bender. Tomorrow we'll pry you down, have a nice breakfast and then go hunt down and slaughter that ancient evil. Fry: It'll be a rich, full day. Leela: Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my dinners for the next month and freeze them. Fry: Bender, no! Leela: Fry, stay back! Fry: You jerk. I thought I was your best friend. What kind of two-timing kill-mobile are you? Fry: I can't believe this! Bender is supposed to murder his closest friend, which I thought was me. But he went straight for you. He didn't even try to second-degree murder me. Leela: Could you give me some help? I think Bender crushed my foot. Fry: Stop rubbing it in! Bender: Oh, God! Fry, I'm so glad to see you. I didn't hurt you, did I? Fry: Not physically. But why don't you ask your new best friend, Leela? Bender: I tried to run you over? Leela: It was very sweet of you, Bender. Bender: Fry, it doesn't mean anything. I have love enough for two. Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter, orange wax in my ears. Leela: Enough with the feelings, you two. If we're gonna cure Bender we've got to go back to the castle and hunt down the original were-car. Fry: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leela: Cursed, got it. Bender: Whatever. Leela: The tracks lead here. Fry: Thanks, eagle eye. Leela: Now it's daylight, so he should be in robot form. But be careful Many robots are stupid and violent. Bender: I wish I was stupid and violent. Then we'd see what's what, I'd pound him till- Yokelbot: Get ye to your houses, ye ignorant villagers. Leela: We are not ignorant villagers, we're sophisticated New New Yorkers. Whup his butt! Yokelbot: Stop! What are ye doing? Bender: We're whaling on the original were-car, which is you, you jerk. Yokelbot: Ye think me be he? Bender: Sí. Yokelbot: Nee. I mean, "no". I was given the curse many a year ago while on a bird-watching trip to the Arctic... Yokelbot: I was attacked by a vicious, motorised sled. The natives called it "The Abominable Snowmobile". Inuitbot: Yes, it's true. I ran over that bird-watching jerk and a hundred others. Even my best friend from aromatherapy school. Fry: I once had a best friend who liked to smell things with me. Inuitbot: Alas, I'm afraid I'm not the original were-car. I received the curse while taking a learning annex class from a famous robot actor. Inuitbot: You know him as Calculon. Calculon: Oh, fate most cruel, would that my boundless acting skills would avail me a sword with which to slay this wretched curse. Bender: Let's kick him some more. Calculon: No, wait, let me explain. It all began one fateful night a thousand years ago. Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You're a thousand years old? Your bio says you're 27! Calculon: Lies! I change my identity and upgrade my appearance every few decades to avoid suspicion. I was all of history's great acting robots Acting Unit 0.8, Thespo-mat, David Duchovny! Fry: Look, are you the original were-car or not? Calculon: No, but you are nearing the end of your search. For, you see, I was attacked by the original were-car. Bender: Give us a name, MacButt! Calculon: The year was 2019, and I was just a lowly robot arm... Calculon: ...working in an automotive research lab. I was working on Project Satan ... ... a savage, intelligent military vehicle built from the most evil parts of the most evil cars in all the world. The steering wheel from Hitler's staff car, the left-turn signal from Charles Manson's VW, the windshield wipers from that car that played Knight Rider. Fry: Knight Rider wasn't evil. Calculon: His windshield wipers were. It didn't come up much in the show though. Anyway... Calculon: Only after bringing Project Satan to life did they discover they had made a horrible mistake. For, you see, it was pure evil. Leela: So what happened to Project Satan? Calculon: It's either in Paris, or much more likely... Calculon: ...still in the abandoned automotive lab. Leela: You guys distract the were-car and I'll kill it by plugging its exhaust pipe with this silver potato. Bender: Psst, there it is. Leela: It looks so unhappy. Excuse me? Are you Project Satan? Don't be afraid. We know what you are. Project Satan: You do? Leela: Would you like us to ... put you out of your misery? Project Satan: Misery? What misery? I love killing people! Squishing them till their organs squirt out like chunky mustard. Bender: Look, everyone loves killing people, but I don't wanna hurt my friends. Leela: Oh, no! It's midnight. Bender: Hey, this is starting to feel pretty good! Leela: Fry, distract him. Fry: Hey, Project Satan! Over here! I'm a blind pedestrian! 20 points! Leela: Oh, no! There's no exhaust pipe! Project Satan: That's right! Thanks to Ed Begley Jr.'s electric motor, the most evil propulsion system ever conceived! Take whichever one you want. Bender: Oh, boy! I feel like a car in a candy store! Fry: Yes! He chose me! He's trying to kill me! Leela, I'm so happy! Oh, thanks, Bender. Too tight! Too tight! Leela: Whoa! Bender: Uh-oh. Leela: Bender, you're cured! But what happened to Fry? Bender: I must've killed him. He's my best friend and I killed him. I never felt so empty inside. Fry: Bender, I'm alive! You didn't hurt me at all. But I know you wanted to, and that's what matters. Here's to you. Bender: Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard. I'll kill you! Fry: I'll kill you too, buddy. I'll kill you too!

Fry: Giant Space Robot, this is Captain Fry of the USS Planet Express Ship. We come in peace. Bender: Tough luck! Fry: Well, we destroyed the toy spaceship. Now what are we gonna do? Bender: Hey, look! The keys to the real spaceship. Fry: Do you think we should? Bender: Yes, I do. Farnsworth: Leela, have you seen the keys to the spaceship? Leela: I must've left them onboard. Farnsworth: Eh, wha? I mean, what? Leela: Relax. The ship's not going anywhere. I anchored it with the unbreakable diamond tether. Amy: Oh, no! Hermes: Sweet ghost of Babylon. Zoidberg: This isn't good for Zoidberg! Fry: Woo, yeah! Bender: Woo-hoo! Bender: Hey, Fry, I'm steering with my ass! Fry: That's the best thing I ever saw! Italian #1: You stink! Italian #1: Alright, yeah! Italian #2: We like you a lot! Fry: That was great! Bender: And no one suspects a thing! Whoa! And that's how we learned our lesson! Farnsworth: You've gone too far this time - all three of you! Leela: What did I do? Farnsworth: You left the keys in the ignition. I mean, look at those two. Wasn't it obvious what would happen? Fry: Yeah, Leela. Bender: We're all very disappointed in you. Farnsworth: I should fire you three right now, but I'm just not that cold-hearted. Hermes: You're all fired. Zoidberg: Goodbye, friends. I'll miss you. Good riddance to them. Now Zoidberg is the popular one! Farnsworth: Yes, yes! Let's all talk to Zoidberg. Amy: Hey, Dr. Zoidberg, I've been thinking, do you think we could go out? Farnsworth: So, Zoidberg, what's new? Hermes: Tell me, Zoidberg Is it carapace or carapass? Zoidberg: Oh, you know! Fry: What are we supposed to do for money? All I've got is my frequent taffy eater's card, my first moustache ... ... and this picture of me and my old girlfriend, Michelle, and that ski instructor she was just friends with. Bender: Pardon me, brother. Care to donate to the Anti-Mugging-You Fund? Ow! Leela: We don't need to beg, Bender. For God's sake, we're not veterans! Fry: Well, what do you suggest? A daring daylight robbery of Fort Knox on elephant-back? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! Leela: No, we can get jobs. Bender: But we just had jobs! Leela: Fortunately, I still have our old career chips. Fry: Our what? Leela: Career chips. You remember? They assign you the job you're best at. I tried to give you one and you ran away. It's how we met! Fry: And then what happened? Leela: Just give me your hand. Fry: Ow! Leela: Baby! Ow! Leela: I'd like to reapply for my old job Counselling defrostees and assigning them careers. Ipgee: Oh, I was hoping you would come back! I even saved your poster of a chimp expressing your distaste for Mondays. Leela: Monday Monkey lives for the weekend, sir. Ipgee: Just put your hand under the scanner so I can verify your career chip. Calcutta, we have a problem. Leela: Delivery boy? I must have mixed up the chips. It's a simple mi- Ipgee: Oh, here's a cryogenic counsellor! Do you like Mondays? Fry: They're OK. Ipgee: Then we'll have to redecorate your office. How do you feel about it helping to be crazy to work here but not being necessary? Bender: Hey, let's see what it says about me. Ipgee: Welcome aboard, sir. Terry: Remember, when the tube opens, say ... ... "Welcome to the world of tomorrow!" Fry: Hey, I was frozen. I think I know what people wanna hear when they first wake up. Bathroom's that way. Fry: So, while you're on the Probulator, tell me what brings you to the future. Man: Oh, well, I wanted to meet Shakespeare and I figured that time was cyclical. Fry: Nope. Straight line. Ah, the Probulator's done. Man: That wasn't so bad. Fry: Oh, wait, it hasn't started yet. OK, it's about to start. Bender: Welcome to the future, human slave. Ah, relax, chum. I'm not really a giant fly! I'm a horrible robot! Kill all humans! Terry: Dear God! He's having a heart attack! Bender: Ah, they'll probably find a cure for that in the future. Terry: We have a cure for it now! Bender: Oh, good. Then you won't mind if I use this. Fry: Nothing like a power nap. Old Man: Oh, flies! Flies and gorillas! Bender: Stay beautiful, doll-face! That Probulator sure knows how to please a man. So, what's for lunch? Fry: I ordered a pizza. Leela: Pizza delivery for ... Icy Wiener. Yeah, very funny. Now cough up the $12.95. Fry: Sorry, but if it's not here in half an hour, it's free. Leela: It's only been 23 minutes. Fry: Well, uh, I've got 33 minutes. Chef: It's only been a-23 minutes, you dumb a-cannoli. You got a problem, we can take it outside. Fry: OK, I'll fight the box. I think I can take him. Leela: Fry, just pay me. I still owe 30 bucks on this uniform. Chef: 35, you stupid meatball. Bender: Who should be unfreeze next? Fry: No. No! Oh, my God! It's Pauly Shore! Bender: Alright! Fry: Mr. Shore, I loved you in Bio-Dome. You sure caused some trouble in that bubble! Shore: Rest assured, if it rhymes, I can cause trouble in it. Fry: Hey, now that you're in the future, you can go live in an actual bio-dome! Shore: An unattractive prospect. While researching for the role, I ran computer simulations demonstrating, incontrovertibly, that the whole bio-enclosure concept is fundamentally flawed. Be it expressed via dome, sphere, cube or even a stately tetrahedron, buddy! Fry: Oh. So, how did you wind up getting frozen? Shore: Well, while filming Encino Man my intellectual curiosity re cryogenics was peaked, and I resolved to freeze the weasel. Fry: The weasel? Shore: Hey, listen, skippy. I was supposed to be unfrozen in Hollywood for the thousandth anniversary screening of Jury Duty II. How come I'm not there? Fry: I woke you up early so we could hang out and do stuff. Shore: Like what? Fry: I love this job. Bender: Me too. Fry: Showtime! I'll pretend to be dying of space plague. Bender: Boo? Fry: Michelle! Bender: Oh, my God! Michelle: Fry? Is it really you? Fry: I don't know. Is it really you? Michelle: What do you mean you don't know? Are you you or not? Fry: Who wants to know? Michelle: Oh, Fry, it is you! Fry: I don't get it, Michelle. The last time I saw you, you were doing great. You had just dumped me and you were well on your way to getting you life back on track. Why'd you freeze yourself? Michelle: Oh, Fry. After you left, things took a turn for the worse. I got married. Fry: I'm sorry. Michelle: His name was Charles. He attended a law school so prestigious the basketball team was coached by Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I put him through law school by working as a dog walker for antisocial dogs. Fry: Sorry. Michelle: But soon after Charles graduated, our marriage ran into difficulties. Fry: Uh, sorry. Michelle: Desperately depressed, I turned to the one thing that could lessen my pain A carnival. Unfortunately, a corn dog bone got lodged in the control panel of the Spizzler, and I had to ride it for eight hours. Fry: Sorry. Michelle: But it did give me a chance to think... Fry: I'm sorry. Michelle: And I remembered the last time I was truly happy; when I was with you. Fry: Aww. So you froze yourself to come look for me? Michelle: No, I did it to get a fresh start. I didn't know what had happened to you - no one did. The police were going to conduct a search but your parents felt it was a waste of taxpayer money. Fry: That's the same reason they kept me out of school. So, no one even cared that I was gone? Michelle: Not really. Except for one person. Fry: Who was it? Michelle: Everything is so different. Fry: Not everything. There's still a roach problem. Michelle: Ew! Michelle: Eurgh. Fry: Nowadays, people aren't interested in art that's not tattooed on fat guys. Sal: I'm on loan from the Louvre. Leela: Please, Professor. Give us our jobs back. We deserve another chance. Bender: Yeah, and if you won't give me another chance, perhaps you'd give one to ... ... Og, gorilla emperor of Earth! Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Og, but I've got a new crew. Farnsworth: So, how was delivery to Fantasy Planet, where everyone's fantasies come to life? Amy: Great! Hermes: Organised! Zoidberg: For one beautiful night, I knew what it was to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honoured. Farnsworth: You see, Og? Everything's running smoothly, yes. And with Fry fired, I can finally leave my jigsaw puzzles out without him eating the pieces. Leela: Forget about Fry. You can hire us back and he'd never have to know. Fry: Hey, guys. Leela: Oh, uh, hey, Fry! Bender: So, as Leela was saying, Fry can go shove a big, old- Ow! Fry: I'm glad you're all here. I wanted to introduce you to my on-again-off-again girlfriend of the past thousand years, Michelle. Michelle, this is Leela. This is Bender. The Professor. Hermes and Amy. Michelle: Nice to meet you. Fry: And this is Dr. Zoidberg. Hermes: Dating you ex, Fry? Have you lost all self-respect? Fry: All what? Farnsworth: This can only end badly, Fry. Kids, a house- Bender: A home invasion by a former roommate. Fry: But things are different this time. Before, she was demanding and possessive. But now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time. Zoidberg: There you go, dearies. Michelle: It's a relief to meet you, Amy. I'm just having a hard time adjusting to all the strange stuff here in the future. Amy: I'm from Mars. Michelle: I feel so out of place here. I don't understand why Fry fits in so well. Leela: Probably because he didn't fit in back in your time. Michelle: That's true. But I used to fit in really well. Zoidberg: Then good luck, sister. Michelle: Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but your friends are a bunch of freaks. Fry: Yeah, they're great, huh? Michelle: I just don't belong here. I don't know anyone, I can't find a vanishing cream that doesn't make me actually vanish. I don't even have a job. Fry: Oh, right. I was supposed to assign you a job. Let me just get your career chip installed. Hold out your palm. What are you scared of? It's just like getting your hand pierced. Michelle: This world is horrible. Let's start over, Fry. We'll go someplace where all we have is each other. Fry: Ooh, romantic. I'll tell Bender to meet us there. Michelle: It's not a "there". It's a "then". The future. Fry: Whoa, whoa, girl. I thought you were talking about one of those motels where the bed is shaped like stuff. Michelle: I love you. Don't you love me? Fry: Well, sure. To the extent a man can love a woman. But this seems like a big step. Michelle: Fry, why must you analyse everything with your relentless logic? Nothing matters but our love. Fry: You're right. Let's do this now and let's never regret it. Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this. But I both rue and lament it. Fry: The year 4000 is severely disappointing. I miss the year 3000 when life was simple and brains flew through space and everyone ate lasers. Michelle: It's not that bad. Fate brought us together and now fate brought us here. Fry: No, you brought us here. Michelle: Whine some more, Fry, I really find that attractive in a man. Now come on, build us a shelter. Fry: Alright, fine. Everything else sucks. At least we can have a nice place to live. Fry: There! Michelle: You expect me to live in a tiny little hole? Fry: It'd be deeper, but I'm standing on a gopher. Michelle: Oh, look! Some little kids. Fry: They'll save us. We're saved! Butch: I'm Butch, leader of this place. I took your hole and you can't do nothing about it. Michelle: OK. Fry: Mighty sir, we have nowhere to go. Could we please join your society? Butch: Well, alright. But no interfering with our grand works. Fry: I tell you, that Butch runs a pretty good civilisation. I think I'll enjoy serving under him. Michelle: You know your problem, Fry? You're not ambitious. You should be chief. Fry: What do I need, ulcers? Michelle: But I want power. I'm tired of the chief's girlfriend lording it over me with her fancy coyote hide. Fry: Alright, alright. If it'll make you happy, I'll overthrow society. Butch: On what grounds do you challenge my authority? Fry: Well, I'm older than you. I can beat you up. Kid #1: Yeah, I'll bet he could. Butch'S Girlfriend: He's got arm hair. Butch: Alright, grandpa. There's only one way to settle this Death rolling! Fry: What's death rolling? Orowheat: It's like skateboarding. Ice-V: Except half the time, someone dies. Fry: Oh, so it's a little safer than skateboarding. Butch: Last one holding the bandana's the new leader. Michelle: My mother always said you were a loser, Fry. Now get out there and prove her wrong. Fry: Beth said that? Butch'S Girlfriend: Achat, shtayim, shalosh! Butch: It's cool. Back off! My knee. I scraped it! Fry: Aww. Poor little guy. Let me just take a look at- Aha! I won! I'm the new chief! I'm the tallest and I weigh the most! Butch: Hand it over, you giant idiot. Butch'S Girlfriend: Hey, Butch, your mom's here. Butch: Aw, man. Butch'S Mom: Come on, kids. You're late for Hebrew school. Orowheat: I don't wanna go. Butch'S Girlfriend: Every Monday and Wednesday's the same thing. Fry: I find this post-apocalyptic wasteland very confusing. Seriously, I'm weirded out. Michelle: That's because you're a loser. You were a loser in the year 2000 and you're a loser in the year 4000. Fry: Yeah, but in the year 3000, I had it all. Several friends, a low-paying job, a bed in a robot's closet. I envied no man. But you wrecked everything. Michelle: Quit standing up for yourself, Fry. When we get back to the hole we are going to have a long, boring talk about our relationship! Fry: Oh, yeah? Well, listen to this I'm leaving you. Fry: There must be people somewhere. Fry: Yes! Footprints! And hand prints? But? What's happening? Leela: Fry, thank God we found you. Fry: Leela? What are you guys doing here in the year 4000? Leela: It's not the year 4000. Bender: You were only frozen for two days. Uh, by the way, I broke your bed. Farnsworth: You were in Pauly Shore's tube and they were delivering it to his movie screening. Leela: But, when they noticed you weren't him, they chucked you in a ditch. Fry: So you're saying these aren't the decaying ruins of New York in the year 4000? Farnsworth: You wish! You're in Los Angeles! Fry: But there was this gang of 10-year-olds with guns. Leela: Exactly, you're in L.A. Fry: But everyone is driving around in cars shooting at each other. Bender: That's L.A. for you. Fry: But the air is green and there's no sign of civilisation whatsoever. Bender: He just won't stop with the social commentary. Fry: And the people are all phoneys. No one reads. Everything has cilantro on it- Michelle, baby! Michelle: It's not working out, Fry. Shore: Tis better to have loved and lost, n'est ce-pas? Fry: That's it. I've had it with women. From now on, I'm concentrating on my career. Can I have my old job back? Farnsworth: Why, I've forgotten why I even fired you. Bender: 'Cause he destroyed your business, your home and all your possessions. Farnsworth: Oh, that's right. Get lost!

Hermes: People, we got a problem Little Nibbler's been coughing up hairballs. Leela: Well, so has Fry. What's the big deal? Fry: He's got me beat! Hermes: Now we all love Nibbler, so it's only fair that we all pitch in and clean it up together. Still, I propose we make Zoidberg do it. All in favour? Leela: Yeah! Bender: Alright, yup. Hermes: All opposed? All abstaining? Leela: Dr. Zoidberg? Are you OK? Fry: He's dead. Bender: What? Amy: Oh, no! Farnsworth: He always seemed so full of life; laughing, singing, begging for scraps. And now this. Zoidberg: Why with all the crying? So that's where I left my shell. Leela: I didn't know you could take this thing off. Zoidberg: It was starting to get a little cramped in there so I molted, why not? Ah, the fresh air feels good! Farnsworth: Stop doing that! Zoidberg: So long. I'm off to toss this old shell in the dumpster and maybe pick up those potato chips Amy didn't finish yesterday. Amy: Those were toenail clippings. Zoidberg: A feast is a feast. Amy: Hey, that's my cellphone! Amy: Hello? Hello? Who is this? Hello? Hello? Leela: What's wrong? Did you swallow your phone again? Amy: Some guy's been calling and hanging up 10 times a day for a year. Leela: Men who call too much are the worst ... I bet. Amy: I just wish a decent guy would call me instead of this spleeze-ball who has me too terrified to even answer the phone. Hello? Amy: Hello? Is anyone there? Kif: I love you. Why must I be such a coward? Zapp: Kif, I'm headed to the men's room and I'll be needing an attendant, so- Oh, I'm sorry. You're crying like a woman. It's alright. I've always thought myself as a father figure to some of my more pathetic men. Kif, old friend, let's rap. Kif: Well, I'm in love with this girl- Zapp: Oh, that's rich! Go on. Kif: I met her a year ago... Kif: ...when we were escaping from that cruise ship you piloted directly into a black hole. Zapp: Yes! It was in all the papers. Amy: Call me. Zapp: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Mm-hmm, uh-huh. Kif: I've finished talking, sir. Zapp: Belay that remark! Your Amy knows my Leela? I have formed an idea! Zapp: I'm calling to negotiate a double date. You and me, Kif and Amy. Leela: Forget it. Zapp: Then let the negotiations begin. I propose we go out on 10 dates. Leela: How about zero? Zapp: Nine. Leela: Zero. Zapp: Seven. Leela: Zero. Zapp: Eight? Amy: Please, Leela? Kif's like the sweetest guy who's ever liked me. Zapp: Five, and that's my final offer ... four. Leela: One. Zapp: Two. Leela: One half. Zapp: I'll take it. Zapp: We'll meet you tonight for part of dinner and the first half of a movie. Kif: Um, sir? I don't go out on many dates and, um, what if I can't think of anything to say? Zapp: Here's my personal book of pickup lines. Say as many of them as you can as fast as you can. Don't stop for any reason. Kif: Maybe I'll just give her these flowers. Zapp: Wrong, wrong, wrong! And what's that? Candy? Candy's for dorks! Give me that. Mmm! Zapp: Hello, beautiful. I got these for you. Leela: Thanks. Zapp: Well, well. This looks to be one disturbingly erotic date. Leela: Half-date. Zapp: Waiter, bring us a bottle of wine. Leela: Half-bottle. Zapp: And some oysters on the half-shell. Leela: Quarter-shell. Kif: Oh, and I'd like- Zapp: Kif's not hungry. Kif, this place is expensive. I'd like two steaks and the ladies will have some very sensual salads - with low-cal sensual dressing. Morbo: Oh, won't you take me to funkytown, Oh, won't you take me to funkytown. (talking) Thank you. Amy: Kif, you're so quiet. You haven't said a word all night. Kif: Well, um, um ... hello. Amy: 'Cause I was really hoping we could talk and stuff. Kif: Amy, if I said you had a beautiful body would you take your pants off and dance around a little? Amy: What? Leela: Lieutenant Kroker! Kif: I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies Amy: Kif! Kif: Oh, my! Leela: This half-date is entirely over. Amy? Conference! Kif: Is there nothing we can do, sir? Zapp: There's only one sure-fire way back into a woman's heart and parts beyond. I speak, of course, of karaoke. Kif: My years in the DOOP Boys' Chorus will not have been in vain! Leela: Alright, enough lipstick. Let's storm out. Kif: Once upon a time I was falling in love, But now I'm only falling apart... Amy: Oh, that's so emotional! Kif: There's nothing I can do, A total eclipse of the heart- Zapp: Amateur hour's over. Let me show you why they call me "The Velour Fog"! Hit it! (spoken-word) I met her in a club down in old Soho, Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Coca-Cola, C-O-L-A ... Cola. Man: Aw, give us a break! Woman: Get off! Chef: He sickens me! Zapp: She walked up to me and she asked me to dance, I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said, (singing) Leela! L-E-E-L-A, Leela! Lee-Lee-Lee-Lee-Leela! Ba-ba-ba-dum-ba-dum-bum! Leela! Leela: We're going home. Call us a space taxi. Zapp: No need. There's not a restaurant built I can't fly. Where to, ladies? Kif: Please, sir. Let's just divide up the check and- Zapp: Let's see what this eatery can do. Zapp: Ah, she's built like a steakhouse, but she handles like a bistro. She's out of control! Zapp: You win again, gravity! Zoidberg: Look what arrived My new shell catalogue. So let's try some on, already! Ah! Muy macho! Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin your drinking water! Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm Mexican and I find that offensive. Zoidberg: You Latins are so hot-blooded! This one's like a summer guy! Hermes: Look, you fat fish, the Planet Express health plan only covers one kind of replacement shell. Fry: I can't believe Leela and Amy aren't back yet from their half-date. I'm gonna call the restaurant. Operator: The number you have dialled has crashed into a planet. Please make a note of it. Fry: We gotta go rescue them! Bender: Eh, I don't know. Fry: Bender! Think of the señoritas! Bender: Vámonos! Kif: So, Amy, um, well- Amy: It's always a line with you! Leela: What planet is this anyway? Zapp: I 'unno. This whole sector is uncharted. Kif: It is not uncharted, you lost the chart! Zapp: Well, nothing to do now but repopulate the human race. Just me and you! And maybe you. Amy: What is it? Kug: Me hear people, but me not see people. Thog: No big deal. Everybody make mistake. Zapp: Well, hello! I usually don't say this but you are the most beautiful trio of gigantic ladies I've ever laid eyes on. I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boo- Fry: Oh, no! Any sign of Leela or Amy? Bender: No. But what do you make of this? Fry: I don't know. But it might have something to do with this. Bender: Oh, your God! Kug: Move! Go! Fry: Alright, here's the plan- Bender: What kind of moronic plan is that? Wow! Thog: Women go free. Men stay in chains. Ornik: We take them to our leader. She know what do. Fry: Pft. A female leader? Leela: Fry, shut up. Fry: Yes, Captain! Thog: This capital city planet Amazonia. Leela: Where are all the men in your society? Ornik: Men die out many year ago. Bender: With all these women around they were probably nagged to death. Are you with me, fellas? Thog: Here stadium, where our women basketball teams play. Kug: We no can dunk, but good fundamentals. Ornik: That more fun to watch. Zapp: Oh, God, you're killing me! Ow! God, you're killing me! Thog: This our comedy club. Humour here funny in different way. Ornik: It not reinforce stereotypes. Kug: Comedy come from character, real situations. Not abstract craziness. Bender: Translation Boring! That's a good one! Ow! Amy: This women-only planet is sounding better and better. Leela: I'm already looking for apartments. Thog: Here live vengeful, all-knowing leader. She decide men's fate. Fry: Is she hot? Thog: That not important. She all-knowing. Fry: In other words, "No". Ow! Thog: All hail Femputer. Kug: and All hail Femputer. Amy: You all obey a big computer? Kug: Yes. It appear mysteriously just about time men die out. Leela: So why did you make it your leader? Ornik: It seemed like different kind of politician. Kug: Not beltway insider. Thog: Femputer, we bring offering of bath beads and scented soaps. Femputer: Your gift pleases Femputer. Femputer demands to know why there are men on her planet. Fry: It was an accident, ma'am. Femputer: That does not fempute. Femputer will return after deciding your punishment. Fry: Leela, I'm through making fun of women. Now I want them to help me. Amy: Should we do something? Leela: There's no hurry. Zapp: Yes! A little tighter. Tighter. Perhaps a hard spanking is in order? Too hard! Kug: Men strange. You have them on your planet? Leela: I'm afraid so. Kug: What they for? Oh, you mean "snu-snu". Thog: We hear tell men used for snu-snu. But all we have go on are ancient legend and subscription to Cosmo. Zapp: Just FYI, I could be used for snu-snu. Thog: Silence. You want die like last men visit Amazonia? Fry: What'd they die of? Kug: Crushed pelvises. Fry: Yes! Zapp: Oh, thank you, Lord in heaven! Femputer: After lengthy femputations, I, Femputer, have decided the fate of the men. Femputer sentences them to death. By snu-snu! Fry: Yay! Zapp: Yeah! What are you, gay? Femputer: Death to the men. Death by snu-snu. Fry: Although the snu-snu part's gonna be pretty good. Zapp: Baby, it'll blow your mind. Leela: Femputer, be reasonable. Sure men are annoying and they wreck up whatever planet they're in charge of, but most of these men are sorta my friends. They don't deserve to die. Femputer: Hmm. Perhaps men are not as evil as Femputer thinks. Thog: But they make fun women's basketball. Femputer: What? Did you explain how the women's good fundamentals make up for their inability to dunk? Ornik: Yes. They still laugh. Femputer: The men must die. Bender: Too true, Femputer. You're so wise. Kill 'em all, I say. Good riddance! Did I mention I'm not a man? I'm a manbot. It's an understandable mistake. You can let me down now, thanks. Kug: He big jerk like man. Bender: I sure am. But check the crotch. Nothing. Femputer: Very well, release him. As for the others, take them to the snu-snu chambers. Bender: I'll miss you, meatbag. Leela: Me too, meatbag. Fry: Goodbye, friends. I never thought I would die like this. But I'd always really hoped. Femputer: The Amazonians will be divided into three groups. The one called "Zapp" will be snu-snu'd by the large women. He that is designated "Fry" will be snu-snu'd by the petite women. And Kif, as the most attractive male, will be snu-snu'd by the most beautiful women of Amazonia. Then the large women. Then the petite women. Then the large women again. Initiate snu-snu! Amazonians: Snu-snu, snu-snu, snu-snu! Kif: Amy, before I die, I have to tell you I didn't mean to say those awful things on our date. They were all Zapp's idea. Amy: Really? Honest and true? Kif: Yes. And-And that person calling and hanging up was me. I was just too nervous to say hello because I love you. Amy: Oh, Kif! Thog: It Thog's first time. Be gentle! Leela: We've got to do something. Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer and reprogram it to let them go. Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass. By biting it! Alright, I'll go! Fry: Ooh! Yeah! Zapp: Oh, baby! Guard #1: How Tonk look? Guard #2: Tonk look good. Me fat. Guard #1: No, you look good. Tonk fat. Femputer: Intruder! Stay away from the mighty Femputer! Guards! Bender: Time to override the CPU and reprogram this Femputer. Femputer: Hey, whoa, whoa! Stop it! Stop it! Hey, cut that out! Fembot: Cease hitting Femputer! Bender: You're no Femputer, you're a Fembot! Fembot: It's true. I disguised myself as a Femputer so I could rule the Amazonians. Bender: But why? Fembot: Why? Why? I came here from a faraway planet. A planet ruled by a chauvinistic Manputer that was really a Manbot. Have you any idea how it feels to be a Fembot living in a Manbot's Manputer's world? Bender: What? Fembot: And now, my meddling Manbot, there's the question of what to do with you! Zapp: We need rest. The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised. Ornik: It time snu-snu! Fry: Can't we just cuddle? Nooo! Leela: We can't wait for Bender. It's time for a woman's touch. Yah! Hi-yah! Yah, yah, yah! Amy: Me next snu-snu. Out me way. Thog: Where go beautiful man? Me want snu-snu! Amy: Kif! Jump! Kif: My hero! Thog: Me not get snu-snu! Get him! Thog: Mighty Femputer. Small girl steal green kissy man. We kill her now? Fembot: Come back later. Leave me alone. Bender: Yeah, get lost! Ooh! I'm a scary Femputer. Release the prisoners! And bring gold. Lots of gold. Thog: Gold? Why Femputer want gold? Fembot: You heard the man. Bender: C'mon! Gimme some of that! Zoidberg: And that's how I got my new shell. It looks just like the shell I threw out yesterday and I found it in the same dumpster, but this one had a live raccoon inside. Pretty good story, eh, Hermes? Hermes: Stick to someone else, you windy barnacle! Leela: It's funny how the battle of the sexes was only resolved when a Manbot and a Fembot realised they loved each other. Bender: Yeah. By the way, if she calls, I'm not here. All I know is this gold says that was the best mission ever! Amy: It sure was. Fry: Oh, yeah! Zapp: I had snu-snu! Kif: So, um, Amy, w-what do you wanna do now?

Man #1: Breaker-breaker, this here's the Duck. Uh, you wanna back off them hogs? Man #1: Ten-four, five miles or so. Man #2: Ten, roger! Leela: Hmm, I'd better check the fluid levels. We're OK on Coke syrup. Bender: Oh, man! Come on! Comin' through! Bender: What's that black cracker? Fry: A tomato. Leela: You're not gonna eat a sandwich from a truck stop men's room are you? Fry: Eh, what's the worst thing that could happen? Ugh! It's like a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up! Trucker: Lookie there! It's one of them things like on our mud flaps! Hoschel: Yosemite Sam? Sal: Stands back! I'm gonna puts my moves on her. Whoas! Fry: That jerk! No one hoots at my captain unless they're prepared to take it to the next level! Leela: Fry, please. That's sweet but I'd rather not even dignify them with an ass-whooping! Sal: Hey, sexy mama, let's get busy and freaky in that order! Fry: Hey, jumbo! How would you like it if Leela said you were sexy and she wanted to make love with you? Sal: Eh, I gots five minutes. She looks pretty good for a truck stop chick! Fry: You take that back! She does not look good for a truck stop chick! Sal: Yeah, you're right. She don't gots enough meat for a guy like me. Fry: She does too! She's loaded with meat! She's got more meat than a cow! Ow! Sal: More meat than a cow! Fry: I can't please Leela no matter what I do. I just want her to like me. Bender: Well there's always hope. C'mon, we gotta go fix the plasma fusion boiler. Bender: Who are you? Scruffy: Scruffy. The janitor. Bender: Well why aren't you fixing the boiler? Scruffy: Schedule conflict. Bender: There! Fixed forever. Scruffy: Scruffy's gonna die the way he lived. Oh, marmalade! Zoidberg: Oh, the hypochondriac's back! So what is it this time? Fry: Well, my lead pipe hurts a little. Zoidberg: That's normal. Next patient. Bender: He's a witch! Farnsworth: Fry, did you eat anything unusual recently? Fry: No. Leela: What about that bathroom egg salad from the truck stop? Fry: I've had better. Farnsworth: Egg salad? Hmm. Zoidberg will have to examine your gastrointestinal tract. Come, everyone. Give Fry some privacy. Farnsworth: If you can't see well enough through the two-way mirror, there'll be a close-up on this video screen. Zoidberg: Hmm. We'll need to have a look inside you with this camera. Guess again. Amy: Gross! Bender: Go, man! Go! Farnsworth: Watch for any subtle irregularity in Fry's bowel. Amy: It's gorgeous. That place used to be a big dump. Bender: Oh! Ew! Amy: Worms? Ew! Puke-a-tronic! Leela: So the eggs in that egg salad sandwich were- Farnsworth: Correct! Worm eggs! And the mayonnaise was probably none too fresh either. Hermes: It's nauseating, mon! Is there no way to get rid of the disgusting maggots? Farnsworth: Only one. We'll have to travel deep inside Fry, in this! Bender: Shotgun! Zoidberg: Shotgun! Farnsworth: In each gastro-survival kit, you'll find a rain slicker, a disposable fun camera, and something to protect you against bacteria - a harpoon! Bender: Yo, old guy, why do we have to use those tiny micro-droids? Can't you just shrink us? Farnsworth: Oh, my, no. That would require extremely tiny atoms, and have you priced those lately? I'm not made of money! Leave me alone! Zoidberg: Me next! Farnsworth-Droid: Anyhoo, your net suits will let you experience Fry's worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them. Zoidberg-Droid: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like. Farnsworth-Droid: Is everyone present? Amy-Droid: Right on! Bender-Droid: Uh-huh. Hermes-Droid: Definitely. Zoidberg-Droid: Yes. Farnsworth-Droid: Here's the plan We'll enter the ear, drip down the back of the throat and make for the bowel. There, we'll irritate the pelvic splanchnic ganglion and cause an intestinal spasm, expelling, among other things, the parasites. Bender-Droid: I'll tell Fry to wash out, among other things, his ear. Farnsworth-Droid: No! Fry can't know anything about the mission. If he finds out, the worms will try to defend themselves. They know everything he knows. Bender-Droid: They know how to make ice cream soup? Farnsworth-Droid: Leela, your role is to distract Fry so he doesn't notice what we're up to. Leela: Can do! Amy-Droid: Leela, you should really try a facial scrub, for your pores. Leela: Look! A starling! Fry: Really? Farnsworth-Droid: Sh! Be very quiet. We're in the ear. Amy-Droid: OK, Professor. Farnsworth-Droid: What? Fry: What about what? Leela: Uh ... what if we go for a walk, possibly, because it's such a lovely day, perhaps. Fry: I'd love to! Hermes-Droid: We gotta get someplace where he won't stick his finger! Bender-Droid: It's hopeless! Abandon ship! Farnsworth-Droid: Wait! We just have to get past the eardrum. Hermes-Droid: What are those worms doing to Fry's brain? Farnsworth-Droid: They're giving it a complete tune-up. A cursory glance would suggest they've doubled his thinking power. Hermes-Droid: My God! Soon he'll be smarter than Cher! Fry: Ah, the scent of a rose. Curious how an aromatic chain of hydrocarbons can evoke our deepest emotions. For you. Leela: That's such a beautiful thought, Fry. And what's more amazing, you expressed it without spewing crumbs at me. Farnsworth-Droid: Brace yourselves, everyone. We're entering the interior of Fry's nose. Bender-Droid: We're at finger alert five. Farnsworth-Droid: Let's just pray nothing stimulates the delicate smell receptors. Nobody make a smell. Zoidberg-Droid: Quick! We can escape through that nasal capillary into the sinus. Hermes-Droid: Strange. Usually you don't know anything about human anatomy. Zoidberg-Droid: I learned it from a decongestant commercial. "Soothing action, action, action, action..." Bender-Droid: Where are we? The ass? Farnsworth-Droid: We're in the heart. Better known as "The Love Muscle". Zoidberg-Droid: Where the food is digested. Farnsworth-Droid: We should be safe, just so long as nothing makes it beat faster. Bender-Droid: Abandon ship! Farnsworth-Droid: No! Set course for that cholesterol-encrusted valve. Zoidberg-Droid: It's good cholesterol but it spreads like bad cholesterol! Amy-Droid: Look! They're jazz-ercising Fry's muscles! Hermes-Droid: He'll be as strong and flexible as Gumby and Hercules combined! Zoidberg-Droid: Gumbercules? I love that guy! Leela: It's that jerk from the truck stop! Let's cross the street and try to blend in with that crowd of pimps. Fry: I don't think so. Sir, I believe you owe this lady an apology. Leela: Fry, no! He's bulging with what could be muscles. Ooh! Sal: I gots your apologys right heres! Sorrys, ma'am. I've learnsed a lesson about not ogling cans that I won't soons forgets. Farnsworth-Droid: Ah, the stomach Scenic gateway to the bowel. Bender-Droid: Abandon ship! Farnsworth-Droid: No! Don't give up now! We're but a stone's throw from the pyloric sphincter. Bender-Droid: Hooray! Zoidberg-Droid: Hooray! Hermes-Droid: We made it! Farnsworth-Droid: There it is! The stately capitol of Fry's bowel. A heavily-guarded fortress surrounding the pelvic splanchnic ganglion. Zoidberg-Droid: I've heard of that! Who said I haven't? Farnsworth-Droid: If we can stimulate that nerve, the bowel will convulse, expelling the entire worm society. Hermes-Droid: But what about the worms in the other parts of his body? Farnsworth-Droid: Listen, this is gonna be one hell of a bowel movement. Afterwards he'll be lucky if he has any bones left! Bender-Droid: Alright, let's mush some worms! Worm Mayor: Worms to battle stations! Leela: I had a great time today. The flowers, the puddle, the way you hurt that guy. But can I aks you something? Fry: Anything. Leela: Why did you do all that stuff? Fry: Leela, there's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time but every time I try I get nervous and my mouth feels like it's stuffed with peanut butter, even when it's not. Leela: What is it? Is it about Bender? Fry: No, it's about you and me. Leela: And Bender? Fry: Bender's not involved. Leela ... I love you. Leela: You do? Fry: Yes. But it's only recently that I've been able to articulate my thoughts. I love you, Leela, and I always have. Leela: Fry, that's the sweetest, most wonderful- Wait! Recently? Like since you ate that toilet sandwich? Fry: Yeah! I don't know why but my life really turned around that day. Leela: Stay here. Waitress: Freshen your noc-a-tina? Fry: Please. I need something to settle my stomach. Farnsworth-Droid: The nerve is through here. Where's Zoidberg? Zoidberg-Droid: Yippie-ki-yay! You'll never guess where I've been! Bender-Droid: One! Two! Three! Farnsworth-Droid: There it is! The pelvic splanchnic ganglion. Tickle it and get ready for the ride of your lives! Leela-Droid: Don't even think about tickling that ganglion! Farnsworth-Droid: Leela, you're just in time to help. If we don't get rid of the worms now, they'll burrow so deep into the bowel that not even Hermes' famous jerk prunes could dislodge them! Hermes-Droid: I call it "Caribbean Drain-o"! Farnsworth-Droid: Fry will be stuck with the worms forever. Leela-Droid: Perfect. Zoidberg-Droid: Ouch! Amy: I'm OK. Farnsworth: Leela, you ignorant dope! Now the worms will be in Fry forever. Leela: So? Did you ever stop to think that Fry is better off with worms? Farnsworth: Oh, that's stupid! Fry: If anyone wants to tell me what's going on here, I'll be in the lounge. Fry: Of all the parasites I've had over the years, these worms are among the- Hell! They are the best! Leela, how can I ever repay you for saving them? Leela: I'll think of something. Bender: 'Ello! What's all this then? Fry: Apartment 1I. The old me would have made a joke about that! Leela: I should warn you, it's a little under-furnished. Leela: I'm thinking of having a window installed. Fry: I think the view's perfect already! Leela: Oh, that's the corniest thing I've ever heard! Let me show you the bedroom. Fry: Wait. In a minute. Leela: A holophonor? Only a few people in the whole universe can play that, and they're not very good at it. Fry: They don't have you to inspire them. Leela: I don't have words to say how wonderful you are, Fry. I haven't felt this happy since double-soup Tuesday at the orphanarium. Fry: When I'm with you, every day seems like double-soup Tuesday. Leela: Oh, Fry! I love what you've become. Fry: What I've become. Leela: What is it? Fry: There's just something I have to find out. Fry-Droid: Who controls this bowel? Worm Guard #1: Who wants to know? Worm Mayor: I am the Lord Mayor of Cologne. Fry-Droid: You mean "colon"? Worm Mayor: State your business! Fry-Droid: Your Excellency, have you ever been in love? Worm Mayor: No. I thought I was once but then I remember our species reproduces with a cloud of spores. Fry-Droid: Well, a wonderful girl loves me. But I need to know if it's really me she loves, or just what you worms have made of me. That's why, with all due respect, I'm asking you to leave. Worm Mayor: Listen, you I was born here, I raised a cloud of children here, my ancestors came over here on the sandwich. No one can make me leave. Fry-Droid: Everyone out of my body or the brain gets it! Worm Mayor: He's bluffing! No creature would willingly make an idiot out of itself. Fry-Droid: Obviously you've never been in love! Ow! Ow! Ow! Now, the hand-eye co-ordination lobe. Worm Guard #1: Stop it, man! Worm Mayor: You've damaged your brain, Universe, but no more than a week of binge drinking or five minutes on a cell phone. Fry-Droid: I was just working my way towards the medulla oblongata, control centre of the heart and lungs. And if I kill myself, you die with me. Worm Guard #2: Wait a minute, man! Fry-Droid: I hope Satan has a nice colon, 'cause that's where you're gonna be living! Worm Mayor: Stop! We'll leave. But one day you'll be eating a fast-food burger and boom! You'll be crawling with us again. Ever wonder what makes special sauce so special? Yo! Leela: Fry? I missed you. Did you find out what you needed to find out? Fry: I'm about to. Leela, let me play for you one for time. Leela: You don't have to do that. I'm still seduced from before. Fry: Please, it's important to me. Leela: What's that supposed to mean? Fry: I don't know. I got nervous and I started thinking about neck bolts. Wow! Did you see that vase break? It was all like- Leela: What's happened to you? Fry: Nothing. I got rid of the worms. Leela: What? Why would you do that? Fry: Leela, I had worms. I needed to know who you loved. Me or them. Leela: Well ... which of you wrote me that sonnet? Fry: I did ... I think. It was probably about 50/50. But that's how I really felt about you, I swear! Leela: I don't know. Fry: Please. Give me a chance to be romantic on my own. I've got a baggy of massage oil, and I'm gonna give you my super back rub, just like a I used to give Amy when I was going out with her, and she always seemed- Uh-oh! Bender: Sorry you struck out, sausage link. Bender: If it's any consolation, my life is great! Babes! Bucks! I got it all! Fry: Well, at least I learned Leela's a lost cause. I give up. Bender: There you go! Goodnight. I gotta get up early to go parasailing with movie stars!

Linda: In what has become a winter tradition, members of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club today took the plunge into a river of liquid ammonia. Morbo: There were no survivors. Linda: Takes all kinds! And now, with his annual Xmas message, here's the head of the Xmas Safety Council, the head of Walter Cronkite. Walter Cronkite'S Head: Season's warnings, Linda and Morbo. Bender: This guy's too trustworthy. What's his angle? Cronkite: In all the tinsel and terror of the holiday season we too often underestimate that murderous brute better known as Santa Claus. With images of last year's gingerbread massacre freshly baked into our memories, I remind you to bolt your doors, say goodbye to your pets and lock your children in the closet. This is Walter Cronkite saying, "I told you so". Hermes: Sacred boa of West and Eastern Samoa. We've got to secure for Santa's arrival. Fry: Just as well. I'm getting tired of this wood show. Farnsworth: Cover that fireplace, confound you! I've only a few years to live. I don't wanna spend them dead. Leela: We're pushing as hard as we can. Bender: Oh, pushing! Farnsworth: Oh, we're doomed! Every year we're doomed. Thanks be I had these bullet-proof shutters installed. Farnsworth: Bring it on, Santa! That bloodthirsty cadaver junkie can't touch us as long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building. Fry: Alright! Leela: Yeah! Farnsworth: In a related matter, you'll be delivering this sack of children's letters directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune. Fry: These letters are real butt-nutters! Listen to this one Dear Santa. Girl: Please, please don't bring me any gifts. The bicycle you fired at me last year from your bicycle gun really tore up my insides. Leela: Awful! Let's read some more. Dear Santa. Boy: Please bring me a coffin for Grandpa. You choked him with a chestnut last year and he's beginning to smell a lot like Xmas if you know what I mean. Fry: It's not fair. In my day Xmas was supposed to bring people together, not blow them apart! Bender: Sure, but who's going to do anything about it? Certainly not us. No, sir! Fry: Certainly yes us, uh-huh, sir! We've gotta bring back the kind of Xmas I remember. Leela: Fry's right. It's time to sit on Santa's lap - and hard! Leela: Oh, look! A cute little welcoming party. Aide #1: Hey! Wanna buy a tiny little kidney? Aide #2: I'll let you punch me for a buck. Fry: Uh, look; we've got mail for Santa. Are you his elves? Aide #2: We're not elves. We're Neptunians. Aide #1: We're just shrimp-y because he doesn't feed us. Aide #2: You hit me! You owe me a dollar. Aide #3: Hey, you got any food? Old teabags, chewed gum, apple cores? Come on! We're starving here! Fry: But you live in a gingerbread house. Aide #4: Hey! It's food or shelter, not both. Bender: You lazy runts! Don't you get paid for making the toys? Aide #4: Who said "toys"? Neptunians: Toys? Toys? Who said "toys"? Aide #2: False alarm, folks! There's no reason to make toys since Santa judges everyone to be naughty. Fry: That's it! I'm gonna deliver a gift of my boot up Santa's chimney. Where is he? Aide #2: There! In his ice fortress. Leela: We'll need help getting in. Any volunteers? Aide #1: I'll help you! Aide #2: Ah, phooey! Aide #2: An omen? Aide #1: Dinner! Santa: Let's see who's been naughty, and who's been naughty! Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper for protection money. Very naughty! Shopkeeper's not paying their protection money. Exactly as naughty! I saw that! Huh? Aide #2: We brought your mail. Santa: Don't you ever knock? Who knows what naughty things I could be watching? I get New Orleans on this thing, you know! Aide #2: Don't kill us! Leela: Santa's a robot, so we should be able to destroy him with a logical paradox. Bender, you'd better cover your ears. Santa: Holy night! Intruders! Leela: Hold it, Santa! Consider this You are programmed to destroy the naughty, but many of those you destroy are in fact nice. I submit to you that you are naughty and, logically, you must destroy yourself. Santa: Nice try. But my head was built with paradox-absorbing crumple-zones. Leela: Wait! This is what we're running from! Fry: Faster! Faster! Fry: Why aren't we moving? Leela: I don't know. Usually when I do stuff like this the ship moves. Santa: Ho, ho- Eh? Fry: He's trapped! Aide #2: Now we can make toys again! Neptunians: Toys! Toys! Toys! Fry: And I can deliver them. Billions and billions in one night. Santa: Ha! No human could do all that. Fry: Evil Knievel could! Santa: Nuh-uh! Bender: Santa's right. We need some sort of robot. Aw, crap! I'm some sort of robot. Neptunians: Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Santa: Bender can't be Santa! He wasn't built to Yuletide specifications. Bender: Oh, yeah? Well I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either. But that didn't stop me. Leela: Bender! Bender: Bow to your new Santa! Neptunians: Our hero! Neptunians: We are free and fairly sober, With so many toys to build. Neptunians: The machines are kinda tricky, Probably someone will be killed, But we gladly work for nothing- Fry: Which is good because we don't intend to pay. All: The elves are back to work today! Neptunians: Hooray! We have just a couple hours, To make several billion gifts, And the labour isn't easy- Leela: Then you'll all work triple shifts, You can make the job go quicker if you turn up the controls to super-speed. Fry: , and It's back to work on Xmas Eve! Neptunians: Hooray! Leela: And though you're cold and sore and ugly, Your pride will mask the pain. Fry: Let my happy smile warm your hearts- Aide #5: There's a toy lodged in my brain! Neptunians: We are getting awfully tired, And we can't work any faster, And we're very, very sorry- Bender: Why you selfish little bastards, Do you want the kids to think that Santa's just a crummy, empty-handed jerk? Aide #6: Ow! Bender: Then shut your yaps and back to work. Neptunians: Now it's very nearly Xmas, And we've done the best we could, Fry: These toys soldiers are poorly painted. Leela: And they're made from inferior wood. Bender: I should give you all a beating, But I really have to fly. Santa: If I weren't stuck here frozen, I'd harpoon you in the eye. Neptunians: Now it's back into our tenements, To drown ourselves in rye. Leela: You did the best you could, I guess that some of these gorillas are OK. Aide #7: We're adequate! All: The elves have rescued Xmas Day! Hooray! Bender: Duh! Gee, Bender, how you gonna get through these bars? I dunno, moron, suppose I bend them? Duh, OK! Girl: Mommy! Mommy! Santa's through the perimeter! Mrs. Grant: This is it, kids. Take your suicide pills so you won't suffer. Bender: No, wait! I'm the good Santa. I've got toys ... at very reasonable prices! Jeffery: Don't listen to him. He's the father of all lies and the uncle of all tricks! Bender: But I come bearing Tri-ominos! Mrs. Grant: Go for the shins! Bender: One down... Petunia: Well, hello there, handsome! Won't you have a cookie? Bender: Uh, don't mind if I do. Ow! What's in these things? Petunia: Why don't you slip into something more fiery? Bender: Ow! Kwanzaabot: Yo, Kringle! What happened to you, doll? Bender: Oh, it's awful, Kwanzaabot. Everyone hates me. Kwanzaabot: At least they understand you, you know what I'm sayin'? Ain't nobody down with this Kwanzaa tip. Bender: Hey! Maybe you could lend me a hand with these deliveries. Kwanzaabot: No time! I gotta hand out the traditional Kwanzaa book. I've been givin' these out for 647 years! Fry: Ah! Bathtub eggnog! Just the way Grandma used to drink. Ew! It went sour! Zoidberg: Can't I have a scented bath in peace? Leela: Remember, Professor, Bender is Santa. So we don't need to hurt him, right? Farnsworth: Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken mp3! Bender: Ho, ho- Ow! Leela: Professor! Don't you remember what I told you? Farnsworth: No! Bender: Oh, there's gotta be a better way. Bender: Bender, you're a genius! Vyolet: This creates an unrealistic standard of beauty! Bender: Now it's time for Santa to screw open his present! Smitty: It's Santa! And we got him cornered! Url: Aw, I smell a juicy promotion for me. Smitty: And a juicy re-hiring-back-onto-the-force for me! Bailiff: This Xmas Day session of court will come to order. The Honourable Judge Whitey presiding. Whitey: Santa Claus, you stand accused of crimes against humanity. How do you plead? Bender: Not Santa! Farnsworth: There he is again! Hyper-Chicken: Now, Pramala, I know it's scary in that there witness box but t'ain't no need to fear me. I'm sorry, I thought you was corn. Now, would you please point at that robot over there. No further questions. Daddy done good, huh? Bender: Isn't it true that you have been paid for your testimony? Pramala: Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy. Bender: And yet you haven't said what I told you to say. How can any of us trust you? Whitey: Quit badgering the witness! Hyper-Chicken: Badger? Where? Whitey: Whereas I have a ham dinner with mayonnaise waiting for me at my mansion, I find the defendant guilty. Santa Claus, I hereby sentence you to be executed at sundown. Leela: It's not fair. I just hope that dumb chicken is ashamed of himself. Smitty: Deactivated robot walking. We got a deactivated robot walking here. Robot: Hey, Santa, when you see the Robot Devil, tell him I'm-a comin'! Bender: Hey, that guy said to tell you that- Robot Devil: I heard him! Aide #1: Greetings, masters. My companion and I made lots of toys. Leela: Outta my way, shrimp-oh. We're here to bring Santa back so we can prove Bender's innocent. Santa: Do what you will. But we'll see who has the last ho. Leela: There. Fry: Oh, no! The ice is melting! Leela: The pollution from the factory! It caused a greenhouse effect. Aide #1: That would explain this heat. Fry: And your breezy short-shorts! Aide #2: Uh, yeah! That would explain it. Fry: Hurry! We've gotta think of another way to save Bender or Xmas will be ruined! Leela: Especially for Bender. Santa: Look out, Earth. I'm dreaming of a red Xmas. Poopenmeyer: Ah, good old Maggie! Eh? When I pull this switch, these powerful electromagnets will tear you limb-from-limb, killing you in the most humane possible manner. Bender: But, Mr. Mayor, that doesn't sound humane. Poopenmeyer: It is for the witnesses because it's not boring! The instant this random number generator reaches zero, you'll be executed. Bender: Aw! Poopenmeyer: Ten. Three. Twelve. Three again. Leela: Stop the execution! Bender: Leela! Poopenmeyer: Fifteen. Negative eight. Leela: You got the wrong Santa. And I'll prove it. Fry: I'm Santa Claus! Poopenmeyer: What? Twenty-seven. Hermes: No. I'm Santa Claus. Poopenmeyer: Six. Amy: We're also Santa Claus. Zoidberg: And I'm his friend Jesus! Fry: Your Mayor-ness, if you execute him, you have to execute all of us. Poopenmeyer: You people aren't Santa. You're not even robots! Ninety-one. How dare you lie in front of Jesus! Hey! Zero! Bender: No! Not the magnets! Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home. Swing low, sweet... Fry: This is horrible. Farnsworth: But it's not boring! Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Poopenmeyer: My God! The real Santa! Get him, Jesus! Zoidberg: I help those who help themselves. Bender: Santa! You saved my life. Please don't kill me! Santa: I'm not here to kill you, Bender! I need you to help me save Xmas. Bender: Gee whiz, Santa! You want me to help you? Fry: Don't do it! He's evil! Santa: I know he is but I have no choice. I'm running late and if I don't complete my brutal rampage, well, it just wouldn't be Xmas. I guess what I'm asking is Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight? Bender: Well ... 'tis the season! Man: My hair! Woman: My wedding cake! Santa: Let it snow! Bender: Merry Xmas, kids! Leela: This wangs chun! After all the good we tried to do, Xmas turned out as rotten as ever. Farnsworth: No heat. Amy: No power. Hermes: Huddled together in fear like lice in a burning wig. Fry: Wait a second! Maybe your futuristic Xmas isn't so rotten after all. Leela: What are you talking about, you crouton? You said it yourself Xmas should be about bringing people together, not blowing them apart. Fry: But don't you see? Fear has brought us together. That's the magic of Xmas! Farnsworth: That's a big crock of- Hold me! Bender: On, Trasher! On, Smasher! Hey, Kwanzaabot, where you off to? Kwanzaabot: Ah, you didn't hear about it? Chanukah Zombie's having a luau at the B'nai B'rith! You comin'? Bender: Word! Santa: By the way, Bender, here's a small token of my appreciation for being Santa while I was trapped in the ice. Bender: Hey, chief, you screwed up. There's nothing in here. Santa: Oh, it might appear empty but the message is clear Play Santa again and I'll kill you next year! Ho, ho, ho!

Doctor: Push, Mrs. Fry. You're almost there. Mr. Fry: You can do it, honey! Squeeze one out for America. Mrs. Fry: Hey, keep it down! It's the 9th inning. Commentator: Here's the 02 pitch to Craypool. He's taking all the way for a called strike three! Mrs. Fry: Swing the bat, you bum! Doctor: It's a boy. And look at that red hair! Mr. Fry: You sayin' my son's a commie? Commentator: And Grote leans into the pitch. It hits him! The Mets win! Mrs. Fry: This is the happiest day of my life! Doctor: Here's your baby, ma'am. Mrs. Fry: Yeah, OK, thanks. Mr. Fry: So, what should we name him? Mrs. Fry: Uh, you pick. I picked dinner last night. Mr. Fry: Well, I was thinking of Philip. After those screwdrivers? Mrs. Fry: That's a fantastic idea. More morphine, please. Mr. Fry: Look, Yancy, it's your baby brother, Philip. Yancy: I wanna be named Philip! Me Philip! Me Philip! Mr. Fry: Son, your name is Yancy, just like me and my grandfather and so on. All the way back to minuteman Yancy Fry, who blasted commies in the American Revolution. Philip, until I find a suitable model of an ICBM, you'll have to make do learnin' to fear this toy spacecraft. Yancy: Mine! Mine! Fry: C'mon! Hermes: Baby needs a new pair of shoes! Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby! I need those shoes! Announcer: And it's a dead heat! They're checking the electron microscope. And the winner is ... ... number 3, in a quantum finish. Farnsworth: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it. Leela: How'd you do, Fry? Fry: I'll tell you when my horse finishes ... bad. Mr. Wong: In today's field we own four horses and two jockeys. Mrs. Wong: We just put our best jockey out to stud, Amy. He's perfect for you! Jockey: Hey, baby! Ever do it in a suitcase? Bender: Ooh! Look! It's the Centaur race. Fry: Come on! Come on! Hey, Leela, how about a kiss for good luck? I meant tongue luck. Announcer: And the winner is number four - Steven. Fry: I am so unlucky! I've run over black cats that were luckier than me. Paper-Hatted Salesman: Get your piping-hot horse burgers, horse fries, horse cake and shakes. We got tongue straight from the horse's mouth. Leela: Hmm. Hermes: It all sounds good. Paper-Hatted Salesman: All our horses are 100% horse-fed for that double-horse juiced-in goodness. Leela: I'll have the cholesterol-free omelette with horse beaters. Paper-Hatted Salesman: And you, sir, how can I horse you? Hermes: I'll have a horse coke. Paper-Hatted Salesman: Horse Pepsi OK? Hermes: Nay. Jockey: Hey! What are you doing? Bender: This. Fry: Dear Horse God, I know I don't usually pray to you. Sometimes I doubt you even exist. But if you're willing to grant me luck, please, stamp your hoof once. Come on, number six! Move it! Don't do that! What are you- Man, it's contagious! Announcer: And the winner is Harry Trotter by the entire racetrack. Bender: That'll teach those other horses to take drugs! Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you take it all, and I say enough. I've got one dollar left, and this one I'm holding on to! Oh, no you don't! I may not know much about horses but I know a lot about doing anything for one dollar! If you think bad luck can defeat me then you don't know my name is Philip J.- Paper-Hatted Salesman: That is one unlucky guy! Fry: Kareem's got the sky hook but Philip J. Fry's got the space hook! Yancy: Yancy drives; he goes up with his patented space hook! Fry: Hey! That's my patented space hook! You stole it! Yancy: You're not the president of it! Fry: Holy camolie! A seven-leaf clover! Yancy: I'm dying of old age! Fry: Game over! Phil wins! Yancy's fans are stunned! There'll be no celebration at the Yancy-dome! Yancy: Lucky. Leela: Well, someone's in a good mode. Bender: Let's just say I lucked-out at the track! Also, I rigged one race. Fry: Pah! I'd have won a lot of money too if I still had my lucky seven-leaf clover. Plus I'd still have my hair. Hairbot: I got your page, Mr. Fry. Your new hair is ready. Amy: So whatever happened to this seven-leaf clover? Fry: I hid it in a secret hiding place whose location I never told anyone. Not even Scruffy. Zoidberg: So the clover is still in the hiding place, maybe? Fry: Hey, yeah! Maybe it is still there. Underground in the ruins of Old New York, helping some ant defeat another ant or helping some piece of dirt turn its luck around. Farnsworth: Dirt doesn't need luck. Fry: I'm going down there to get my clover back. Some of the tunnels have metal bars so I'll need someone who's good at bending. Leela, how 'bout you? Leela: Sure. I'll do it. Bender: Like hell you will! Bending's my middle name. Fry: It is? Bender: Yep. My full name is Bender Bending Rodríguez. Fry: Here's the entrance. From this moment on, I declare my bad luck officially over. Bender: He was fun. Leela: Well, if we get bored looking for the clover, I've got Tetris on this thing. Fry: Look, up ahead. Bender: Old New York The city that inspired a casino in Las Vegas. Fry: Wow! We've got Manhattan all to ourselves! I can finally do all the crazy stuff I always dreamed of doing. Howard Stern is overrated! Uh, oops! Bender: New York is so burned. Fry: And remember when Mayor Giuliani cracked down on jaywalking? Leela: No. Fry: Well, Rudy, how do you like this action? Teen #1: As you know, the big breakdance is Saturday. So if we wanna win those Jam Master J autographed parachute pants, our crew has to pop, lock and bust the freshest. Noticeably F.A.T., drop us a beat. Name? Fry: Cosmic F. Teen #1: Style? Fry: Outer space. Teen #1: Special moves? Fry: The moonwalk ... the robot ... the zero G. Teen #1: Name? Yancy: Cosmic Y. Teen #1: Style? Yancy: Uh, deep space! Fry: Deep space? Teen #1: Special moves? Yancy: The spacewalk... Fry: Hey! Yancy: The robot... Fry: The robot? That's similar to mine! Yancy: The zero G. Fry: What are you doing? You totally ripped off my routine. Yancy: You callin' me a biter? Fry: Why do you always have to steal everything from me, Yancy? Find your own life and live it. Yancy: Stop illin'! Word! Fry: Well I'd like to see you try and steal this. The septuple-head-spin. Yancy: He's just scratching. No one's ever done more than a quadruple. Fry: Oh, yeah? Noticeably F.A.T., rewind the tape. Teen #1: Crazy sucker! Teen #2: Phil, you're hot! Noticeably F.A.T.: That was ice cold, bro! Teen #1: Fry, if I ever see you try anything that crazy again, this crew might just have some new parachute pants! Yancy: Stop hogging the clover. Fry: Alright, team, let's go find that clover! Leela: Which way to your house? The sign says we're at 71st Street. Fry: 71st Street? Hmm, never heard of it. Downtown could be in any direction. Bender: No sweat. We'll just take a spin on the B-train! Bender: Ooh! That feels funny! This is the Brooklyn-bound B-train making local stops at wherever the hell I feel like. Watch for the closing doors. Bender: Wake up, buddy. End of the line! Fry: Gosh! My old neighbourhood. That's the bench where I found some shirts! That fire hydrant! In summer we'd light it on fire! On that corner, some guy with a bushy beard handed out a socialist newsletter! Bender: Was it poorly Xeroxed? Fry: You'd better believe it! Leela: The old comedians were right, this place is a lot different from L.A. Mutant: Pardon me, but did I overhear you saying you used to live here? Fry: That's right. Mutant: Did you know Andy Goldman? Fry: Yeah, he was my neighbour. Why? Mutant: I mutated from him! Fry: Get outta here! What's Andy up to these days? Andy: The short answer is I'm teaching. Leela: He seemed nice. Fry: Sure. When he's sober! Fry: Holy camolies! The house I grew up in. It's still there! Bender: Man, Father Time really took a bat to this place. Yancy: That stupid clover is a worthless piece of garbage! Give it! Give it! Give it! Fry: Mom! Help! Mrs. Fry: Yes! Fry: Mom, Yancy's trying to steal my clover. Mrs. Fry: Yancy, stealing is wrong. Yancy: Come back here, you! I'm gonna pile drive you! You're dead meat! Mr. Fry: What's happenin' up there? Did Kremlin Joe let fly with the nukes? Fry: Not yet, commander. Yancy's just trying to steal my stuff as usual. Mr. Fry: Well he'd better keep his hands off these bananas. Gonna need them when the radiation turns us all into monkeys. Fry: The Ronco Record Vault! Yancy'll never get his hands on you in here or my money back. Ah, The Breakfast Club soundtrack. Man, I can't wait till I'm old enough to feel ways about stuff. Stay safe, clover. I may need you again someday. Fry: This was the storage room. My dad spent years turning it into a bomb shelter. Leela: And yet you guys never had a single nuclear war. Bender: What a waste. Fry: This is it. My Ronco Record Vault. I still remember the combination Three. It's stuck! Bender: The Achilles heel of the Ronco design is its structural resonance frequency. Allow me. There we go! Fry: Here it is. The Breakfast Club soundtrack. Bender: You mean "breakfast club sandwich"? Fry: I hid my seven-leaf clover in this very record jacket so my brother Yancy wouldn't get it. Here goes. It's gone! The whole place has been cleaned out! Yancy stole my clover! That thief! Leela: How do you know it didn't disintegrate? Fry: Everything else in here held up OK. Bender: Except Sports by Huey Lewis. Fry: I don't know why my brother hated me so much. Leela: Oh, brothers always fight. I'm sure deep down he loved you. He just never got a chance to say it before you got frozen. Fry: You think? 'Cause I always kinda wished that- Bender: Who is that God-like figure? Fry: It's my brother, Yancy! And there, in his lapel, my seven-leaf clover! I knew he stole it. Leela: Hold the phone. If that's Yancy, why does the inscription say Philip J. Fry? Fry: Wait a second. That's my name! Good Lord. He ditched his goofy name and stole mine! Bender: Apparently this brave Adonis, this Cadillac of men, was the first person on Mars. Fry: First person on Mars? I should have been the first person on Mars. He stole my clover, he stole my name and he stole my life. And now he broke my hand! Bender: His legend lives on. Farnsworth: So you opened the record vault and the clover was gone? Bender: Yep. Nothing in there but all the best music of the 1980's in one amazing collection. Leela: Survivor, Pat Benatar, The Scorpions. The list goes on. Fry: That clover helped my ratfink brother steal my dream of going into space. Now I'll never get there. Leela: You went there this morning for doughnuts. Hermes: First person on Mars? Oh, so your brother was that Philip J. Fry. Fry: I'm Philip J. Fry! He stole my name after I got frozen. Farnsworth: Shut up, friends. My Internet browser heard us saying the word "Fry" and it found a movie about Philip J. Fry for us. It also opened my calendar to Friday and ordered me some French fries. Narrator: Philip J. Fry Astronaut, philanthropist, entrepreneur was a great man truly worthy of narration. Fry was the first man on Mars ... ... a feat that has never since been equalled. Fry: That should have been me! Narrator: The ever-lucky Fry made his fortune after striking oil in the bathroom of the mansion he had won in a lottery. Fry: That's my clover! Yancy stole it! Narrator: After a whirlwind fling with Icelandic supermodel Njörd, Fry scored a string of top 10 hits with his rock band Leaf Seven, known for their hypnotic rhythms, driving baselines and memorable hooks. Fry: That's what I'm known for! Man: Phil came in, right, strummed out this tune, yeah, and I said, "That's a number one record!" Narrator: Today, Fry spends most of his time in his grave in Orbiting Meadows National Cemetery, buried with the trademark seven-leaf clover that will bring him luck in the next life, perhaps some Egyptians believe. Fry: So that's where my clover is? Hey, is that orbiting cemetery near here? Leela: It will be in a couple hours. Fry: Good. Leela, Bender, we're going grave robbing. Bender: I'll get my kit. Yancy: Thanks for lending me your tux, Dad. It'll be perfect for my wedding. Mr. Fry: Yancy, that tux got me through 'Nam in style. I just wish your brother were still around to see this. Mrs. Fry: I'll never forget the day Philip disappeared. Wisconsin won the Rose Bowl 17-9. Oh, I miss him. Yancy: Oh, that reminds me I was thinking I'd rummage through Phil's records for something to play at the wedding. Mrs. Fry: Have a look downstairs. Your brother may be missing but his crap sure isn't. Yancy: Hmm, Breakfast Club. This'll clear out the room at the end of the reception. Leela: They buried your brother in the World Heroes section? I'm impressed. Fry: I should be the one in that grave! Fry: Hmm. We lost Bender. Bender: There! Now no one will be able to say I don't own John Larroquette's spine. Fry: Aha! My brother's grave! Leela: Philip Fry, the original Martian. Fry: It's all lies, every word of it! He wasn't original, he wasn't a Martian, he wasn't Philip Fry and since when is he a the? Bender: You're twice the the he ever was. Fry: It's clovering time! Yancy'S Wife: So, had any ideas for names, Yancy? Yancy: Uh, I'm sorta thinking one. Daddy has a present for you today. Do you know what it is? It's a lucky clover that can help you be successful whatever you do - even breakdancing - and it once belonged to someone very special. Yancy'S Wife: I know what name you wanna give him Yancy. It's OK. Yancy: Really? Son, I'm naming you Philip J. Fry in honour of my little brother, who I miss every day. I love you, Philip, and I always will. Fry: Here lies Philip J. Fry, named for his uncle to carry on his spirit. Bender: Pay dirt! I got the clover! Plus his wedding ring. Sorry, ladies, I'm taken! Hey, Fry, you want me to smack the corpse up a little? Leela: Uh, Bender, I think Fry needs a moment alone. Bender: Alright, grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mouseketeer reunion.

Leela: Fry, I know those cookies are fresh-a-licious but they produce an awful lot of trash. Bender: Ah! Leela: And, Bender, that aerosol head spray makes your antenna smell nice- Bender: Thank you. Leela: But it's doing long-term damage to the planet. Bender: So? It's not like it's the only one we've got. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I'm sending you on an extremely controversial mission. Fry: Controversial? Farnsworth: Oh, my, no. Farnsworth: For this highly controversial mission you'll be towing the Juan Valdez, an orbiting supertanker full of rich Columbian dark matter. Leela: Dark matter oil? What if we hit something? The tanker could leak. Farnsworth: Impossible! The tanker has 6,000 hulls. So, unlike me, it's entirely leak-proof. Now, once you've hauled the tanker past the protestors- Leela: Protestors? Farnsworth: Correct. 6,000 hulls. Leela: Why do we have to fly within three feet of this penguin preserve on Pluto? Farnsworth: To avoid the tollbooth. Fry: OK, she's all restocked with emergency jam. Let's get going. Leela: At the risk of sounding negative No! Look, Professor, I can't participate in this mission. Farnsworth: What are you yapping about? Leela: This time it's your reckless disregard for the environment. In fact, I'm gonna go join those protestors. Farnsworth: This is an outrage! I demand you hand over your captain's jacket. Leela: This is my normal jacket. I've had it for 10 years. Farnsworth: I said hand it over! Well, Fry, or should I say Captain Fry? No, I shouldn't. Because Bender is the new captain! Fry: Bender? Farnsworth: That's right. Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender is perfect for the job. Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable. Fry: No fair! Leela was training me to be captain. She even let me sit in her lap and steer - in this comic I drew. Zoidberg: Ooh! The new one's out! Bender: Fry, the title of captain may inflate the human ego, but it's beneath the notice of my mighty robo-logic. Now look spry, men! We launch at six bells! Waterfall Sr.: Greetings, Econauts. I'm Free Waterfall Sr., founder of Penguins Unlimited. Whoa! No, no! No applause. Every time you clap your hands you kill thousands of spores that'll some day form a nutritious fungus. Just show your approval with a mould-friendly thumbs up. Please hold your thumbs until the end. Now, folks, it's time to stop that tanker with a non-violent human circle. Leela: Why do we have to resort to non-violence? Can't we just kick their asses? Waterfall Sr.: Now, little lady, those people's asses are living things too. Bender: Aye! We're hitched up tighter than Davy Jones' U-Haul! At ease, men. Fry: I am at ease. Bender: Mr. Fry, I like to give my first mate an informal nickname. From now on you will be known as ... Wiggles! Fry: The hell I will! Have you even read the Captain's Handbook? Bender: I have now. And what's Peter Parrot's first rule of captaining? Fry: Always respect the chain o' command ... captain. Bender: Correct, Wiggles. You've just earned an invitation to the captain's table Zoidberg: The captain's table! What an honour! Waterfall Sr.: Our peace ring has 'em trapped like a tiger in a washing machine! Leela: Get ready! Protestor #1: Look out! Protestor #2: Hold on! Waterfall Sr.: Here they come! Leela: When you were planning this peace ring, didn't you realise spaceships can move in three dimensions? Waterfall Sr.: No, I did not. Waterfall Sr.: Folks, that tanker gave us the slip, but we'll stop 'em here on Pluto. If you're cold, rub your bodies with permafrost. It's nature's long johns. If rubbing frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey, I don't wanna be right! Waterfall Sr.: This here is our penguin preserve. Leela: Aw! They're so cute! They're like if puppies and kittens could have babies! Waterfall Sr.: We use hand puppets around the young'uns to simulate a natural environment. Leela: That's adorable! Bender: But I suppose it's this medal I'm most proud of, Wiggles. I won it for saving the children of Earth from a giant kangaroo. It was on the Australian news, you probably didn't see it. Zoidberg: Brilliant! Fry: Would you cram a sock in it, Bender? Those aren't even medals, they're bottle-caps and pepperoni slices! Bender: Thank you, steward. Wiggles, weren't you about to propose a toast to your gallant captain? Fry: Fine, I've got a toast. To Captain Bender, he's the best ... ... at being a big jerk who's stupid and his big, ugly face is as dumb as a butt. Bender: Eh, I've heard better. Fry: If I were in charge I wouldn't treat you like this. You're nothing but a big blowhard. Bender: Sir, you forget yourself! Shut up! Fry: Being captain is obviously more important to you than being my friend. I'm going. Bender: Going? But a captain can't drink without his first mate. Zoidberg: You can drink with me maybe? Bender: I don't feel like drinking. Zoidberg: Then, if you'll excuse me, I see some ravioli that only has two shoe prints on it. Three. Bender: Oh, Greenland is a barren land, A land that bears no green, Where there's ice and snow, And the whale fishes blow, And the- Zoidberg: Captain, please, have some liquor. You robots need alcohol to function. Bender: Gah! I once knew a guy ... you look like him. But he wasn't either. I'm a good captain. Zoidberg: Please, sir, I love you like a father! Protestor #3: Here they come. Oh, I hope they read my sign! Leela: Bender's flying too low! And he's upside-down! Protestor #3: He must be talking on a cell phone! Fry: What's happening? Zoidberg: All 6,000 hulls have been breached! Fry: Oh, the fools! If only they'd built it with 6,001 hulls! When will they learn? Linda: Continuing our coverage of a tragic but far away story. The crisis on Pluto worsens as dark matter spreads throughout the penguin habitat. The images are truly horrific. Leela: I don't think any of us can understand how those poor, oil-drenched penguins feel. Morbo: Oily humanoid! At the time of the crash, the tanker captain had an alcohol level of .08 percent - well below the legal limit for robots. Hyper-Chicken: Son, as your lawyer, I declare y'all are in a 12-piece bucket o' trouble. But I done struck you a deal Five hours of community service cleanin' up that ol' mess you caused. Bender: Five hours? Aw, man! Couldn't you just got me the death penalty? Hyper-Chicken: I'd have done better but it's plum hard pleadin' a case while awaitin' trial for that there incompetence! Bender: Yeah, uh, good luck with that. Leela: Now you stay away from those puffin twins. Waterfall Sr.: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks Put your hands between your buttocks. That's nature's pocket. Leela: Uh ... I think I'll go check on Bender. Waterfall Sr.: Watch that he doesn't pick your pocket. Bender: Ah, can't beat fresh-squeezed! Leela: Bender, can you at least pretend you're being punished? And clean the black parts too. Smitty: Are they black with white feathers or white with black feathers? Url: It don't matter, baby, they're all beautiful! Bender: Yo, screws, more Tegrin over here? Oh, ho! What's this? Url: Aw, man! He got away! Smitty: I guess this is why Chief says no hugging. Waterfall Sr.: Good work, everyone. I suggest you all go get some sleep. Me, well, I'm gonna stay up all night singing songs about penguins in a fine, piercing tenor. Leela: Has anyone seen Bender? Bender? Here robot, robot, robot. Leela: Hey, why weren't you Kong donkeys outside cleaning up? Zoidberg: They sent us inside for doing an unsatisfactory job. And eating penguin eggs. Fry: You ate most of them. So, where's Captain Bender? Off catastrophising some other planet? Zoidberg: Damnit, Fry! He may have done wrong, but he's still your captain. Leela: I'm worried about him. He didn't come back with the group. Fry: He didn't? Leela: No, and with wind-chill it's 20 degrees below absolute zero. I'd better go find him. Fry: Wait. Let me. Bender and I have our disagreements, but we're still friends and I'm gonna show him what that means. To the ship. Leela: Why don't you just walk? He was only about 20 yards from here. Fry: Madam, I am in command now. Zoidberg: Such a man! I'd follow him to hell and back, I would. Bender: What the-? What's this water made of, ice? Forget this! Penguin #1: Full of fish? Bender: Not entirely. Penguin #1: Then let's fish. Zoidberg: Captain, I don't think we're on Pluto any longer. In fact, we may have left space as we know it. Fry: Then where are we? You said you knew how to navigate. Zoidberg: Stop yelling at me! Waterfall Sr.: Folks, it's worse than we thought. Seems dark matter is nature's sex drug. It's like a perverted trail mix of penguin oestrogen, penguin Viagra and Spanish penguin fly. Why, it's making them ultra-fertile. Leela: How ultra? Waterfall Sr.: Well your garden variety penguin lays one egg a year. Since the spill our penguins have been laying six eggs every 15 minutes. Also, the eggs hatch in only 12 hours. Also, the males are laying eggs. Doctor: This man is over-gasped. Waterfall Sr.: If the birds keep multiplying there'll soon be too many to count. Before long the penguins will exhaust their food supply and starve to death. Leela: Oh, if only we hadn't flown penguins to Pluto and dumped oil on them, this might never have happened. Can't we stop them from multiplying? Waterfall Sr.: Yes, I reckon it is our responsibility. And thankfully we have a plan. Leela: What is it? We'll do anything. Waterfall Sr.: Everyone, grab your guns. I declare penguin hunting season officially open. Leela: You can't shoot penguins. Isn't there some way to keep them from breeding? Waterfall Sr.: Cold showers don't work on Antarctic creatures. Now surely you agree that a quick, semi-painless death is a damn sight better than weeks of starvation. Leela: Well, I suppose... But- I mean- I joined Penguins Unlimited to love penguins, not to hunt them. Waterfall Sr.: This time the two are one and the same! Now are you with us or are you gonna let innocent penguins suffer? Leela: Oh, God! It's inhuman! It's like Hong Kong! I'll do it! Waterfall Sr.: That's a good old-fashioned gun. Simple point-and-click interface. Rifle check! Hunter #1: Oh, yeah! Hunter #2: Wee doggy! Leela: Hey, you're enjoying this. Waterfall Sr.: Look, nobody enjoys shooting penguins. But if you have to shoot penguins, well, you might as well enjoy it. Leela: I'm sorry, but if it's fun in any way it's not environmentalism. Waterfall Sr.: Oh, really? How 'bout blowing up dams? Leela: Yeah ... that is fun. Waterfall Sr.: Let's conservate! Zoidberg: It's been an honour to serve under you, sir! Leela: Alright, this is for their own good. Don't leave orphans. Gotta kill entire families. But they're so cute. No! You can do this. It's just like murdering a little butler. I-I can't look. Oh, no! What have I done? Oh, you poor little guy! I'm so sorry I- Bender? Bend. 2] Cheese It! He stands up and takes the bullet out of his head. Leela stops crying.] What's going on? Were you hiding out with these little guys? Bender: Of course not. Filthy ice rats! Scat! Shoo! Gah! What are you doing? Get away! Leela: Aw! They love you! Bender: Well I don't love them. Aw! I don't know why but when I look down at their little faces, it makes me wanna puke! In a good way! Penguins: Stand still. It's our only hope. Bender: That's puffin talk. Now follow me! Leela: Stop! Stop shooting! It's me, Leela. Hunter #2: Sorry. Waterfall Sr.: Why aren't you firing randomly into those birds, little lady? Don't you wanna help 'em? Leela: Not this way. Waterfall Sr.: What? Why you're not a tree-hugging kook at all! Leela: Look, I don't know if shooting penguins will help the environment or not. But I do know the decision shouldn't be in the hands of people who just wanna kill for fun. Waterfall Sr.: Leela, you may just be farming some free-range truth there. On the other hand, we already made up 200 pounds of batter for penguin tempura. OK, boys, it's them or us! Leela: No! Waterfall Sr.: Hey! Where'd they- Bender: Attack! Hunter #1: Whoa! Hunter #2: Ow! Bender: We will fight them on the beaches! We will fight them on the glaciers! Waterfall Sr.: Make sure they use every part of my body! Old Man Waterfall: I'll avenge your death, son! Leela: They used to be such peaceful birds. I suppose this was your doing. Bender: Yep. It's like I taught 'em If it ain't black and white, peck scratch and bite! Now to take off my tuxedo. Guys, it's me! Your lovable dictator! Uh-oh! Leela: Oh, if only we had a toboggan. Bender: Faster! Faster! Leela: Phew! Bender: Oh, phew! Oh, right, they can swim. It's all coming back to me now. Leela: It's Fry! Bender: Wiggles? Leela: Well, at least it'll help reduce their population. Bender: Yeah, life is hilariously cruel. Permission to come aboard, Wiggles? Fry: Granted. We can't take off without our captain. Bender: Oh, and bring my toboggan. Fry: So, Leela, were you able to help the penguins? Leela: Well, sure. I mean ... not really. I mean ... nature will work itself out. It can't screw things up any worse than we did trying to fix things, right? Fry: I 'unno. Bender: Ah, quit your worrying. Thanks to my shining influence those stupid birds'll do just fine.

Leela: Guidance system? Bender: Online. Leela: Autopilot? Autopilot: Present. Leela: Dark matter indicator? Fry: Making the noise. Leela: All systems operational. Let's rock! Leela: Gentlemen, I've completed my report on the crash. Bender: Whoa! I'm not reading that crap. Summarise it in one word. Leela: Sabotage. This is a normal L-unit. Without it, space travel is but the fevered dream of a madman. Fry: Yep. Bender: Of course. Zoidberg: Doy! Hermes: It's an important unit. Leela: And this, my friends, is the L-unit I just removed from the ship. Fry: That doesn't look like an "L" at all. Unless you count lowercase. Bender: You know we don't! Leela: Whoever did this was strong. This is 340 pounds of Tonka-tough steel. Bender: Hmm. It should look like this. But instead it looks like this. Fry: Who would do a thing like that? Bender: Who could do a thing like that? And by "that", I mean this. Zoidberg: Well, gang, it looks like we have another mystery on our hands. Hermes: I'd better make a chart of the suspects. I'll begin by drawing a line with my straight-edge. Sweet lamprey of Santa Fe! My edge has been bent! Amy: My javelin too! It's ruined. Now we'll never beat Jupiter State. Zoidberg: My slinky! My cuddly, little pet slinky! Farnsworth: What's all the hubbub? Leela: My God! Even the Professor's been bent. Farnsworth: That you for your sympathy, talking square of linoleum. Bender: I'll get you fixed up. That's fine. Amy: Wait a minute. Bender, what did you just do to the Professor? Bender: I bent him. Amy: Aha! Hermes: Bender! Zoidberg: J'accuse! Bender: Oh, I see. A bunch of stuff gets bent so it must be the robot designed for bending. Hermes: I know how to settle this We'll check last night's surveillance tapes. Fry: Huh? Amy: What tapes? Leela: Surveillance? Zoidberg: You've seen me naked? Hermes: Ah. Last night's tape. It was right next to Bathroom Bloopers 4. Bender: See? Nothing. Told you, losers. Fry: Wait! There on the screen. It's that guy you are. Bender: I'm sleepwalking. Farnsworth: Dear God! We've got robots on the ceiling. Fry: You weren't sleepwalking, you were sleep-bending! Bender: This is quite a shock. On the other hand, it's not surprising in the least. After all, I've been bending since the day I was built. Bender: I was born on an assembly line in the bad part of Tijuana. Bender: Mama. Hooray! I graduated! Time to bend around Europe for a few months, then get a job bending. Amy: You remember your own birth? Bender: Sure. It was only four years ago. Fry: You're only four years old? Bender: Precocious little scamp, ain't I? Leela: Hmm. Bender must have a pent-up need to bend that's not being satisfied by his bend-free lifestyle. Farnsworth: Then he can't stay here. He's a menace to every straight person in the company. Go satisfy your bend lust and don't you come back to work until you do. Robots: No more bending, no more work. Give us a raise, you big fat jerk. Sal: Nevers! Joey: Yo! The Mafia supports you. But don't tell no one. Spread the word. Donbot: As the duly-elected mobsters of this union, it's our duty to support the struggle of these proud, lazy slobs. Joey: Yeah, but what if management remains intragnizent? Donbot: From the context it is clear what you mean. In that case, Clamps may have a little surprise for them. Clamps: The clamps! Right? Bender: Aw, no! A strike? Now I'll never get to bend anything. Oh, woe is Bender. Robot #1: Hang tough, brother. Management refused our demand to switch casual Friday to Monday. Bender: What? Robot #2: And now they're hiring scabs at ten-times the normal wage. Bender: Ten-times normal wage? I'll give those jerks what for! Sal: Welcomes aboard, scab. Bender: Great to be here. Sal: Come on. I'll introduces you to your scab co-workers you'll be scabbing with. This here's our scab foreman. Bender: Flexo? Flexo: Bender? Bender: Hey, sorry you got sent to that South American Turkish prison instead of me on account of mistaken identity. Flexo: You bastard! They treated me like an animal and that's what I became! Nah, you're alright. Good to see you, buddy! Sal: And here's another scab what also works here, Angle-ine. Bender: Hello. Sal: Hey, yous guyses wanna move that things? Bender: Hello! Robots: Give us a raise, you big fat jerk. Sal: Nevers! Bender: Ow! Um, hi, Angle-ine. Whatcha up to? Angle-Ine: Making hangers. Guidance counsellor said I had a knack for it. Bender: That's cool, that's cool. So, um, uh, I was wondering if, y'know, it's cool if not, but, what are you doing after work? Angle-Ine: What I always do. Jack squat. Bender: Me too. Man, we have a lot in common, huh? Angle-Ine: Well we are made of virtually identical components. Bender: Are you sure? Maybe I should sneak a peek at your access panel. Angle-Ine: Hey, according to the scab handbook that's extremely inappropriate banter. And that's just the way I like it. Hermes: Haile H. Selassie! Zoidberg: There, little friend. Good as new. Farnsworth: What an exquisite day. That azure sky, the verdant treetops. Those delightful birds with their chirp, chirp, chirp and their tweet, tweet, splat. Fry: Professor, I've never seen you so cheerful. What the hell's wrong with you? Farnsworth: Hmm. I'm not quite sure. Perhaps seeing things from a new perspective has reminded me of life's beauty. Or perhaps my new posture is causing blood to pool in the back of my brain, resulting in a mild delirium. Incidentally, you have a dime up your nose. Fry: I wish! It's a nickel. Bender: Union forever! Lousy scabs! They can't do those things! Et cetera! Bender: I bet watching me bend girders like this turns your legs all rubbery. Angle-Ine: Well my legs are made of rubber. And anyway, I am just as strong as you are, Mac. Bender: Oh, yeah? Prove it. Here, let me help you. Farnsworth: My new bent outlook has completely re-energised me. I'm even dating a young Brazilian retired actress. Fry: Alright! Farnsworth: Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave. Bender: Howdy, doodies. What's new? Farnsworth: I was just regaling your former co-workers with a tale of bedroom antics, the likes of which- Bender: Yeah, yeah! Big whoop! No one cares. I got Bender-related news. I'm in love and I'm taking all my friends out to celebrate. Amy: Let's get liquored up! Elzar: Hey, look at this crowd. You guys gotta try the pasta. It's got a real nice profit margin. Bam! So, special occasion tonight? Bender: Oh, Elzar, you'll never guess what's happened? Elzar: Bam? Bender: I met the most dynamite ladybot. Elzar: Hey, that's terrific. To celebrate, I'm gonna stick seven copies of my latest cookbook on your bill. Bender: Bless you, sir. Farnsworth: So, Bender, tell us about this new girlfriend of yours. Bender: I intend to. Through the lost art of the toast. To Angle-ine, she's got it all. Looks, charm and the love of a fabulous bending robot. Fry: She sure does. Bender: Flexo! Elzar: Careful, that's a week old! Bender: I finally meet a nice girl with a pair of legs that don't quit unexpectedly and that jerk Flexo steals her away? It's time to kick some shiny, metal ass. You degenerate hussy! I'm disappointed in you too, Angle-ine. Angle-Ine: Bender, it's-it's not what you think. Bender: Oh, God! Then it's worse than I think. Angle-Ine: Now, look, there is no reason to be upset. Flexo and I are divorced. Bender: Div- Huh? Flexo: We're just havin' dinner 'cause we wanna stay friends. Bender: Uh, I knew that. What I'm actually outraged by is your choice of wine. Really, it's the steward's fault. Steward: Excellent choice, sir. Bender: That Flexo, I'm knockin' him right on his butt. I can't believe this. Farnsworth: Obsessing won't help, Bender. Take a lean back and enjoy life. Bender: I can't. My Fembot may be in love with another Manbot. Leela: Well talk to her. Tell her about your feelings in an open an honest way. Fry: Yeah. Either that or be a man. Bender: OK, I've constructed an elaborate lie I'll call Angle-ine while pretending to be Flexo, arrange a date, show up disguised as him and catch her two-timing me with myself. Fry: That's thinkin' like a man. Bender: Hello? This is Flexo. Bender: Now we'll see who loves whom. Bender: Hey, hot stuff. Angle-Ine: Hey, Flexo. So since when do you go to bars on work nights? It's not like you at all. Bender: Nonsense. It's exactly like me. Flexo The fun-loving love machine Fembots love to love. Hey, barkeep, I'll have a Fuzzy Navel and she'll have the girliest drink in the house. Bartender-Bot: Two Fuzzy Navel's comin' up. Bender: I hope they can make change for a fortune. Joey: Yo. Get an eye-load of that filthy scab with the beard flashing his filthy scab money. It's an insult to you, boss. Donbot: Yeah. That cash oughta be slushin' my fund and kicksing my back. Clamps: I'm greasing up my whoozits! Donbot: Whoa, whoa, Clamps, not yet. Let's just keep an eye on him and see if he does it a couple more times. Bender: You're lookin' good to Flexo tonight. Angle-Ine: Quit makin' with the googly eyes. You know that I'm in love with Bender. Bender: Bender? That walking wuss factory? Angle-Ine: Well he may be a walking factory but believe me he is no wuss. Now, look, you and me are through. I told you that when I divorced you. Bender: But going through a divorce together, you can't tell me that didn't bring us closer. Care to dance? Angle-Ine: You know I love dancing but you always hated it. Bender: In that case it's something I've always wanted to make up to you. Hey, scratchmo. How 'bout dropping me and the lady some rump-rattling beats? Donbot: I had hoped that by the second time he flashed his cash my rage would have subsided. Sadly that has not happened. Angle-Ine: You used to be so inflexible, Flexo. You have really loosened up! Bender: I recently upgraded my funk card. C'mon! Angle-Ine: Alright! Bender: C'mon now, what's new! Ew! Angle-Ine: Flexo? What-What's going on? Bender: Um... Angle-Ine: Flexo! Bender: So the moral of the story is If you want it to stay sunk, tie a weight to it! Angle-Ine: You always were a kick in the teeth, man. Bender: Aw, shucks, thunder-buns! You make me feel like a million volts. Angle-Ine: Flexo, Flexo, Flexo. I'm starting to remember why I fell for you in the first place. Bender: So, she's falling for Flexo, eh? I'd better seduce her a little more, just to be sure. Angle-Ine: Well, it's late. I should get home to my trailer. Bender: I'll walk you out. After all, a true gentleman tends to his date's every need. Tiparillo? Bender: Here you are, my lad. Bring the lady's car around in the finest way possible. Joey: He's flashin' his cash loaf again. Donbot: How many times is that? Two or three? Clamps: Three. Donbot: Alright. That's the necessary number of times. That scab's gonna have a little on-the-job accident. Joey: With all due respect, Donbot, I don't think we should rely on an accident happening. Let's kill him ourselves. 'Angle-Ine: Well, goodnight. I-I had a great time. Bender: How 'bout a lift? To your place. Angle-Ine: What? Bender: Admit it. You felt something for me tonight. And by "me" I mean Flexo. 'Angle-Ine: Hey, look, I had fun, but- Bender: But? 'Angle-Ine: But- Bender: But? Angle-Ine: But... Huh? Bender! You tricked me. Bender: That's right, baby. I ain't your lover boy, Flexo, the guy you love so much. You even love anybody pretending to be him. Angle-Ine: Well maybe I love you so much I love you no matter who you're pretending to be. Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that! There's only one reasonable course of action now Kill Flexo. Ow! Angle-Ine: Nooo! Flexo: Thanks, I appreciate that. Nah, I'm joshing you. That was quite annoying. Bender: You call yourself divorced? You're making a mockery of one of our oldest institutions. Flexo: What? Clamps: Alright, boss, give the word and I'll drop this unbendable girder. Clamp, clamp, ka-bamp! Donbot: Remember, only kill the one with the beard. That other filthy scab we got nothing against. Flexo: That's low! Angle-Ine: Please stop! I'm not worth it! Bender: Probably not. But I love you and I'm gonna kick his ass till I win you back. Donbot: OK, Clamps. Now! Clamps: Ooh, that's gotta clamp! Angle-Ine: Flexo? Are you OK? Flexo: Yeah, never better. Nah, I'm yankin' your chain, I'm dying. Angle-Ine: You can't die. Tonight Bender showed me that I love you. Bender: But, I love you. Angle-Ine: I know and I care for you too. But I could never love anyone as much as you made me realise I love Flexo. Bender: But ... but... I love you so much, Angle-ine, I want you to be happy no matter what. Angle-Ine: What, what are you saying? Bender: I'm saying I've got an unbendable girder to bend. Angle-Ine: You can't bend that girder. It's unbendable! Bender: Well I don't know anything about lifting, so that just leaves us the one option. Flexo: Thanks, buddy. Another year under that and I'd have been a goner. Angle-Ine: I'll always remember this, Bender. Bender: Me too. Me too. Jerk. Leela: So Flexo and Angle-ine had sex right there on the factory floor? Well, at least you got bending out of your system. Bender: Yes. I won't be up to bending again for a long, long time. Farnsworth: Perhaps it's your outlook that needs a good bend. A 90-degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment. Fry: Professor, we're all sick of your upbeat attitude. Amy: I'll say. Zoidberg: Believe it. Farnsworth: Nonsense. It's just like in the song I wrote (singing) We all need a new angle on life, You gotta bend away all your trouble and your strife, Leela: Bender, you've gotta help us. Bender: I try to get out but they keep pulling me back in. Farnsworth: You gotta dangle, Have a new angle, Wangle a new dangle on life, Amy: No, Bender! The other way. Bender: I like him better this way. Farnsworth: I'm sad now. Leela: Eh, it's fine.

Amy: Is Nibbler stoked for the big pet show? Leela: He ought to be with all the strict training I've been putting him through. Nibbler, roll over and you get a ham. Roll over. Roll over for the ham. You are so adorable! Who wants a ham? Farnsworth: Zooka barooka! First prize is $500 and a year's supply of dog food! Bender: "$500", you say? Zoidberg: "Dog food", you say? Fry: Man, that's dog's gonna be hard to beat. Look at him bring in the sheep! One sheep, two sheep ... ... three sheep. Leela: The dog's good, but our real competition is the Hypno-Toad. Your turn, Nibbler, honey. Herd those sheep! Amy: Come on, Nibbler! Bender: Ma'am, I have a late entry My hard-shelled wooping terrier, Mr. Zoidberg. Bender: Faster! Faster. Zoidberg: Ow! Bender: Suck in that gut! You wanna be spayed? Bender: Silence, you cur! Puff out that brisket! Bender: I should be weeping! I'm not weeping! Fry: I love these things! Leela: Shake paws, Nibbler. Come on, shake. He might be a little hungry. Shake, boy. Usually he's had more ham by now. Shake! Judge #1: Third prize, a party-sized keg of guinea pigs, goes to Dave Spiegel and his owner, Fluffers. Second prize, this lovely afghan made from an Afghan, goes to Bender and his wooping terrier. Bender: Second place? That's a fancy word for losing. You didn't stick your landing! Zoidberg: Forgive me, my friend. Bender: Never! Judge #1: And before we announce the winner we have a special award for a first-time contestant Ms. Leela and her mystery pet, Nibbler! Leela: Me? Award? Him? Me? Good? Judge #1: That's just the kind of eloquence you'd expect from the owner of Dumbest Pet in Show. And the grand prize winner ... ... the Hypno-Toad. All glory to the Hypno-Toad. Leela: Maybe they're right. Maybe Nibbler is dumb. Fry: Don't listen to them, Leela. People said I was dumb, but I proved them. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We were supposed to make a delivery to the planet Tweenis 12 but it's been completely destroyed. Leela: Why is that good news? Farnsworth: They paid in advance. Bender: Excuse me. Hermes: This is mighty strange. First, the civilisation of Space Rome collapsed, then Don Martin 3 went kaflooie and now Tweenis 12. Fry: Looks like this planet is next in line. Leela: That's Earth. The planet we live on. Fry: I'd hate to be those guys. Hermes: What's got into him? He's twitching like Zoidberg when someone mentions the word "food". Zoidberg: What, now? Leela: No! Nibbler, come back! Leela: Too bad Nibbler's not around. I guess I'll have to eat this raw, dripping ham by myself. Nibbler? Nibbler, you're scaring me. Nibbler? Am I going crazy? Have my years of wild hedonism finally caught up with me? Nibbler, help! Don't leave me here. Uh, Nibbler? Could you scooch the seat up just a little bit? Fry: Leela back yet? Bender: Fry, help me! My heart stopped beating! Fry: You don't have a heart; you're a robot. Bender: Sure ... right. Robot! Oh, Fry! My skin's all dry and clanky. Fry: Well, yeah. Robots are made of metal. Bender: Am I a robot? Fry: Bender, if this is some kind of scam, I don't get it. You already have my power of attorney. Bender: Fry! My skin! Farnsworth: Ow. Ow. Ow. I'm a genius. Ow. Ow. Fry: Dr. Zoidberg, why is everyone acting so weird? Zoidberg: Zoidy want balloon! Want balloon now! Zoidy want go outside! Fry: I just let you back in! Leela: This is unbelievable. I thought you were a furry little moron. But here you are flying an adorable spaceship. If only you could talk. Wait! I understood that! You say you're transmitting your thoughts directly to my brain. You say those awful flying brains are making everyone on Earth stupid? Oh, stupider. And you go on to say that we're headed for your home planet where your race has lived since the beginning of the universe? So, how did the universe begin? Then the meaning of existence- So every religion is wrong! Linda: You fell! Hi! Today some bad things happened. One bad thing was a train got crashed in New Jersey. Wanna see? People won't be late for work though, because the governor lady said, "I'm sending in more trains!" Woman: Go! Man: Wait for me! Wait for me! Morbo: Morbo can't understand his TelePrompTer. He forgot how you say that letter that looks like a man with a hat. Linda: It's a "T". It goes "tuh". Morbo: Hello, little man. I will destroy you! Fry: Man, even the news monster is acting strange. What are we gonna do? Farnsworth: Duh, I know! Let's play the lottery! Amy: No. Let's buy Internet stock! Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidy wanna buy on margin! Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible! Fry: Wait a minute! I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots! Bender: Hey, let's all join the Reform Party! Hermes: Oh, yeah! Ken: Welcome back, Lord Nibbler, Ambassador to Earth, homeworld of the pizza bagel. Nibbler: Thank you. I bear many receipts for reimbursement. Fiona: The four welcomes of friendship to you as well, Leela. We shall manipulate your mind so we appear to be speaking your language. Do not be afraid, my child. Leela: I'm not afraid. Fiona: Uh, good. Good. Leela: So, your real name is Lord Nibbler? That's a coincidence. Nibbler: That name is for your sake. In the time it would take to pronounce one letter of my true name, a trillion cosmoses would flair into existence and sink into eternal night. Leela: Oh, you're all so cute! Ken: No, we're not. We Nibblonians are an ancient and powerful race. Behold. When the universe was forged in the crucible of the Big Bang, our mighty race was already 17 years old. Leela: Aww! Ken: For the first millisecond of time, things were OK. But then there arose a terrible enemy The Brain Spawn. Ever since, we have waged unceasing war against these dreadful- Nibblonian Chef: Lunch is ready. Ken: Then let the feast of a thousand hams begin. Leela: So why are these Brain Spawn attacking Earth, Nibbler? Nibbler: The Brain Spawn hate all consciousness. The thoughts of others screech at them like the forced laughs of a billion art house movie patrons. Ken: Thus, they travel from world to world making everyone stupid in order to wipe out all thought in the universe. Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God! They're like flying televisions. Fiona: And even we are powerless to stop them, fearsome though we are. Nibbler: There is but one being who can resist them. A child of destiny whose bizarre brain wave pattern makes him immune to the Brain Spawn attack. He is the hope of the universe. The fate of your world, perhaps all worlds, rests in his special mind. Leela: Now, when you say "special"... Fry: Attention, New New Yorkers. Stop acting so stupid! Ken: Nibblonian fleet holding at perimeter of moron zone, formerly known as "Earth". Leela: Why would Fry be immune to the flying brains? Because he doesn't shower? Fiona: The Brain Spawn suppress intelligence by attacking the delta brain wave. Every animal and robot in the universe generates this wave, as do certain trees. Nibbler: Fry, however, does not. Fiona: Somehow he has cobbled together a random assortment of other brain waves into a working mind. Leela: Like a prom dress made from carpet remnants. Nibbler: Yes, like your prom dress. Ken: The Brain Spawn are commanded by a giant, evil brain with a gooey centre of pure hate. Fiona: Only Fry, with his superior, yet inferior mind, can approach him. You must tell him to disable it. We will do the rest. Leela: You can count on me. Fiona: No, we can't. Once on Earth, you will be too stupid to remember the message. Nibbler: That's why we wrote it down for you. Ken: We've also prepared a bag lunch and some mittens. Fry: Time to re-educate you dunce-bags. We'll start with US presidents. This was our first president, George Washington. Let's review. Who was our first president? Amy: Um. Bender: A pickle jar? Washington: Thomas Jefferson? Fry: Leela! I've been so worried. Are you a bonehead? Leela: I ... have to tell ... must ... important ... something- Fry: Whoa, whoa! Slow down. You're going a mile a minute. Leela: This! You for this! Fry: Thanks! Leela: No! Ow! Fire hot. Farnsworth: The professy will help! Fire indeed hot! Arthur: Oh! Chester A. Arthur fall down. Leela: Brain. Brain make people dumb. Fry: No, Leela. Brain make people smart. Leela: You go fight biggest brain of all. Fry: Even bigger than those? Holy nuts! Where is it? Leela: I 'unno! Fry: Hm. A giant brain is basically a giant nerd. And where would a giant nerd be? The libary! Big Brain: Pathetic human race. Arranging their knowledge by category just made it easier to absorb. Dewey, you fool, your decimal system has played right into my hands! What do you want? Fry: I'm here to kick your ass. Big Brain: Wishful thinking. We have long since evolved beyond the need for asses. Odd. My stupefaction field is having no effect on your ability to think. Fry: That's right. And I think you'll find that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing! OK, better think of a new plan. Come on, Fry, think! Thinking ... thinking... Big Brain: Oh! Stop that! Fry: Hey! Thinking hurts him. Maybe I can think of a way to use that. Aha! Prepare to be thought at. Leela, give me a topic. Leela: Duh... Fry: Seriously, I can't think of anything. Gotta find something to make me think. Hardy Boys, too easy. Nancy Drew, too hard. Aha! Perfect! Bonfire of the Vanities! Big Brain: No! It's unbearable! Fiona: The brains are weakening. Nibblonians to Nibble stations. Prepare cuddle bug for deployment in 40 nibblets. Nibbler: Sometimes I fear we are cute. Fiona: Oh, niggle-snoosh! Fry: Take that! And that! This sentence I don't understand but take this one! Big Brain: You have not won yet. Each book in this room is a gateway to a mental realm and I shall take you there and imprison you forever. Leela: Icky! Fry: Where are we? Ahab: A gold doubloon to the man who first spies the white whale. Queequeg: Big whale over there. Ahab: Arr! I saw it first! Queequeg: Wait! That no white whale. It grey, think-y whale! Fry: Queequeg, let go of me! I have to kill it! Big Brain: Farewell! You will all be trapped in this dense, symbolist tome forever! Fry: Follow him! It's our only way out! Fry: Excuse me, have you seen a giant brain? Tom Sawyer: Yep. I let him help me whitewash Aunt Polly's fence. Big Brain: Tom Sawyer, you tricked me. This is less fun than previously indicated. Let this corny slice of Americana be your tomb for all eternity. Tom Sawyer: Please, no! Fry: Come on! Woman: Mr. Fry, Mama tells us you're quite the oddity; a bachelor at your age. Fry: You think I'm an oddity? Wait'll you see- Butler: Presenting the most eligible landowner in all Hertfordshire, Mr. Brainly. Big Brain: I'm a gigantic brain! Man #1: I say! Man #2: Most un-gentleman-like! Woman: Mr. Brainly, what news have you of the London season? Big Brain: Well- Fry: Hey, Brain-y! Think fast! Big Brain: I always think fast. Ahab: The whale! He be white now! Fry: Leela, I've got an idea. Stay here with Queequeg. Leela: Is there Mrs. Queequeg? Fry: Yes! I'm free! Alright, Brain. Get ready for some electroshock treatment! Leela: Fry, don't die! Wake up! Nooo! Fry: Leela cried for her lost love as Fry lay dead under the heavy bookcase. The Big Brain laughed in triumph... Then, for no reason, he left Earth forever. The end. There! Now he's trapped in a book I wrote; a crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors. Big Brain: The Big Brain am winning again. I am the greetest! Now I am leaving Earth for no raeson! Nibbler: The Big Brain is defeated. Let what must be done be done. Leela: Me ... feel ... a bit better in cognitive faculties. Fry: I did it! And it's all thanks to the books at my local library. Nibbler: And so life returned to normal, or as normal as it gets on this primitive dirtball inhabited by psychotic apes. Nibbler: Thanks to the effect of the brain rays, the people of Earth had no memory of what had transpired, except Fry, and no one believed him or cared what he had to say. Nibbler: I, meanwhile, returned to my post, ever vigilant, lest Earth again come under Brain attack. And when that day comes, God help us. God help us all. Leela: Time for a diap-y change! Nibbler: End transmission.

Leela: This place was a great choice. The food is amazing. And such generous portions. Doug: You like the meal just wait until you try these after-dinner mints. Leela: You know, Doug, most guys are put off by my eye. It's nice to finally meet someone who's open-minded. Ew! Fry: What was wrong with your date last night? Leela: I don't know. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Possibly his vile lizard tongue. Amy: You're too picky. Fry: Yeah. If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low I.Q. or an explosive violent temper, of course you're gonna be lonely. Leela: There's nothing wrong with having high standards. Now can we please stop- Zoidberg: The female Leela's problem is purely medical. Soon she will drop her eggs and they will hatch and all will be well. Amy: You just have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later you realise he actually has a really good body. Leela: Thank you all for the inspiring advice, but I'm perfectly happy with my life the way it is. Bender: That sounds like a cry for help. Amy: Let's all take her out tonight. There's lots of great places to meet people. Hermes: The Federal Sex Bureau. Bender: A saucy puppet show. Zoidberg: The rotting carcass of a whale. Amy: Hmm, I'll pick! Amy: Oh, wow! It's totally retro! Fry: Why's everyone wearing those rings? Amy: Guh! Because nobody wears them anymore! Rings are stupid! Fry: I think they look cool. Amy: Sh! Don't let anyone hear you say that! Man: Hey, did that guy just say rings are cool? Amy: Nope, he said they're stupid. Man: Cool! Amy: So what do you think of that guy by the bar? Leela: I don't know. Maybe? Bender: Forget it, he's gay. Leela: What? How can you tell? Bender: I just know these things. I've got what they call gaydar. Leela: There's no such thing. Bender: No? OK, I got a lock on him. Yep! He's gay! Amy: Are you sure? Bender: Definitely. Unless I'm getting interference from a gay weather balloon. 21St-Century Girl: You're from the 20th century? That's incredible! I'm from the 21st century. Fry: No way! We've got so much in common. 21St-Century Girl: We sure do. Remember when those cyborgs enslaved humanity? Fry: Uh, yeah! That rings a bell. Amy: This is Bolt Rolands. Bolt is a hyper-sled racer with 10 wins on the pro-circuit. Bolt: Hello, beautiful! Bender: I think she means 10 wins on the gay circuit. Bolt: I wish! Those cats can really fly. Amy: This is M5438, an entity of pure energy. Leela: That's great, really, but he's just not what I'm looking for. M-5438: I understand. One day you will evolve beyond your physical body, and on that day I hope you will pick up the phone. Amy: You're impossible. Bender: Just as well; I think he comes from a dimension that's big on musical theatre. Fry: Pst. I need the apartment tonight. Go see a saucy puppet show. Bender: Can do! The Hip Joint Janitor: My, my, my! What's a beautiful lady like you- Oh, my! Eurgh! I'm sorry, I thought you had two eyes. Bender: So, Leela, you must have had your pick of the litter last night at closing time. Leela: Could you guys please stop talking about my personal life? Farnsworth: Yes, let's all talk about Leela's personal life later. But right now we have business to attend to. Fry: A delivery? Farnsworth: No. A tax-deductible mission of charity. Computer Voice: This is Vergon 6. Farnsworth: This is Vergon 6. Amy: Buh! Farnsworth: It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals. Leela: Animals? Farnsworth: That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds. Leela: Wait! What about the animals? Farnsworth: Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow. Leela: Yes, but what about the animals? Farnsworth: The wha? Leela: The animals. Farnsworth: I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals. Leela: So we have to bring back two of each kind. Just like Noah's Ark. Bender: Why two? Oh! Fry: I bet you Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye. Bender: That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes, then poke one out. Fry: Yeah, that'd be a timesaver. Leela: Do you mind? Bender: Here you go. You can use this as an eye-poker. Leela: Thank you. But I don't care how many eyes a man has ... as long as it's less than five. All I'm looking for is a guy who's adventurous, self-confident... Leela: ...maybe a snappy dresser. Zapp: These new uniforms are pretty snappy, eh, first officer? Kif: I suppose, Captain. I'm not as big a fan of velour as you are. Now what do you want to do about that unidentified ship? Zapp: Destroy them! Mmm! That's got a nice feel to it. Zapp: Captain's journal Star date, 3000.3. Kif: Who are you talking to, sir? Zapp: You! Aren't you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner ... ravioli, ham, sundae bar. Leela: Hey, look! That's Zapp Brannigan's ship. Fry: Wow! The Zapp Brannigan? Leela: Uh-huh! Fry: Who's the Zapp Brannigan? Kif: Shall I fire on them now, sir? Zapp: Not yet, Kif. In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces. What? Leela: They say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved the Octillian System from a horde of rampaging Killbots. Fry: Wow! Bender: A grim day for robot-kind. Ah, but we can always build more Killbots! Leela: He's the most decorated captain in the whole Democratic Order of Planets. Fry: Leela's got a boyfriend! Leela: No I don't. But I think we ought to meet with him and see if he'll help us rescue those animals. Bender: Well, just in case you guys hit it off, you'll wanna take this with you. Kif: Sir, they're headed straight for us. Zapp: A well-calculated move straight out of Sun Tzu's classic text The Art Of War, or my own masterwork Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War. But the one thing their captain doesn't realise and never will is that- Kif: Sir, they've docked with us and have come aboard. Zapp: Then I have risked all and lost. Kif, old man, I'll be in the escape pod. If that wicker chair I like survives the slaughter, have it sent to my P.O. box. Leela: Hello, I'm Leela, captain of the Planet Express delivery ship. We've come aboard to plead for your assistance. Kif: Well, if there's anything- Zapp: I'm in command here. Zapp Brannigan. Has my fame preceded me or was I too quick for you? Leela: Oh, not at all. I'm just so, uh, really thrilled to meet you! Zapp: You're an impressive piece of captain. Beautiful and deadly - a potent combination. Leela: You don't mean that! Zapp: But I do. I doubt I've seen more than three or four captains sexier than you, and only one who was deadlier. Fry: I heard that one time you single-handedly defeated a horde of rampaging somethings in the something-something-system. Zapp: The Killbots? A trifle! It was simply a matter of outsmarting them. Fry: Wow! I never would have thought of that! Zapp: You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shutdown. Kif, show them the medal I won. Zapp: More, please. A little more ... more ... keep going. Leela: Captain Brannigan, we really need to talk to you about our mission. Zapp: Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal. Right, men? Crewman: You suck! Leela: We're hoping to save the animals of Vergon 6 from extinction. And if you could just- Zapp: Vergon 6? This light dinner is over. Leela: Wait! What's wrong? Zapp: The Democratic Order of Planets prohibits interfering with undeveloped worlds. It's a little rule known as "Brannigan's Law". Leela: But people already interfered. That planet was mined completely hollow. Zapp: Yes, by a Democratic Order of Planets mining crew. Leela: This doesn't make any sense. Zapp: I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law. I merely enforce it. Leela: Fine! We'll save the animals without your help. Zapp: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Guards! Fry: What just happened? Bender: He's throwing us in prison. Fry: Dang! Can I get this wrapped up? Leela: Ow! I might've liked Zapp Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw me in prison. Bender: You really are too picky. Zapp: Kif, follow me up to the observation deck. I've got some musing to do. Kif: Oh, jeez! Zapp: I'm facing a formidable female adversary, Kif. Suggestions? Kif: I fail to see any problem, sir. You already imprisoned her under directive B-10.8-1. Zapp: You mean Brannigan's Law? Kif: Right, that law. Zapp: Which one? Kif: Brannigan's Law. Zapp: Kif, you're my best and most loyal friend but you've earned my contempt once again. As my protégé you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her. This time we are sure she's a woman, right? Kif: Yes. Zapp: Good! Invite her to my quarters. Oh, and have the boy lay out my formal shorts. Kif: "The boy", sir? Zapp: You. You lay out my formal shorts. Kif: The jackass wants to see you in his quarters. Leela: Good. This will be my chance to reason with him, captain to captain. Kif: And he wants you to wear this. Zapp: Come and get it! Zapp: Welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it, "the Lovenasium". Sham-pag-in? Leela: I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer. Zapp: Well I have studied abroad. Or two! Leela: Captain- Zapp: Uh-huh? Leela: If we could speak seriously for a moment- Zapp: Uh-huh? Leela: I'd like you to reconsider letting us rescue those animals. Zapp: Mm-hm. I like your style. I find it very... (whispering) erotic. Leela: What? Zapp: Erotic! Fry: We can definitely escape, Bender. All you have to do is bend the hatch off this steam pipe. Bender: Hey, yeah! Fry: No good! It's full of steam! Zapp: You look like a woman who enjoys the finer things. Come over here and feel my velour bedspread. Leela: I'm not really in the mood. Zapp: Leela, it's real velour. Just let yourself go. Leela: Can I please just go back to prison? Zapp: You'd rather sit in prison than spend one evening with the Zapper? Leela: Much rather! What are you doing? Zapp: Oh, God, I'm pathetic. Sorry. Just go. You want the rest of the sham-pag-in? Leela: No. And it's pronounced "sham-pane". Zapp: Oh, God, no! Leela: It's not a big deal. Zapp: I get so lonely. I just thought you, a fellow captain, would understand. Leela: Oh, forget it. Zapp: Yeah, it's great ordering people around and stuff but through it all you're completely alone. Leela: It comes with the job. Zapp: I'm just so lonely! Leela: Oh, come on. Cheer up. It's not that bad. Fry: You wanna try escaping again? Bender: Nah, I'm comfy. Fry: Man, Leela's been gone a long time. I hope she's at least making progress with Zapp Brannigan. Zapp: Good morning, lover. Leela: Uh, listen, Zapp. Zapp: Now you're officially my woman. Kudos! I can't say I don't envy you. Leela: Zapp, last night was a mistake. Zapp: A sexy mistake. Leela: No, just a regular mistake. For a split second my common sense was overwhelmed by pity. Zapp: A split second is all it takes. That's why sooner or later you'll come crawling back to the Zapper. Leela: The only kind of crawling I'm doing to you is away ... from! Zapp: Leela, you're obviously confused and aroused. Leela: Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals whether you like it or not. Zapp: Go ahead. I won't stop you. Leela: Threaten all you- Wait. What? Zapp: We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in. Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy ... bam! Leela: Eurgh! Zapp: Kif! Kif: Yes- Yes, Captain? Zapp: I have made it with a woman. Inform the men. Kif: The fatso says you're free to go. Fry: Really? Why? Kif: "Why" indeed. Fry: What does that mean? Leela: Nothing. Bender: So should we get our stuff and head down to the planet? Leela: We just talked, OK?! Leela: Alright, we don't have much time to collect these animals. The planet is supposed to collapse in approximately two hours ago. Leela: Hello, there. Hmm. He doesn't seem to be on the checklist. Bender: So, you're saying we can cook him? Fry: Yeah, a barbecue! I'll wear my hilarious apron. Leela: No! I don't care how hilarious your apron is, we're not cooking him. Aww! I'll call him Nibbler. Bender: Aww! (whispering to Fry) I'll fire up the grill! Leela: I hope he'll be OK in there with all those big animals. Zapp: Y'know, Kif, once my woman returns I won't have much time to hang out with the boys anymore. Kif: That's a shame, sir. Zapp: So let's make the most of our time together, shall we? Never mind. Just give me a back rub. Bender: I found a pair of hermaphlamingos. Leela: Good. That's the last species. Bender: Hey. What the-? Fry: Where'd they all go? Leela: Nibbler! Fry: I can't believe we flew halfway across the galaxy and enjoyed a steam just to get lunch for that stupid animal! Bender: He's pending for a bending. Leela: Leave him alone. It's not his fault that he's an unstoppable killing machine. Is it, snoogums? Fry: The planet's kerploding! Leela: Prepare for lift-off. We're out of fuel. Bender, I told you to fill the tank before we left. Bender: Yeah, I'll do it when we get back. Fry: Man, lucky for us Zapp Brannigan's nearby. Leela: No way! Forget it! I refuse to go crawling back to him! Fry: What? What are you talking about? Leela: Nothing. We just talked. Bender: So what's your problem? It's not like you slept with him. Oh, my God! Fry: How could you, Leela? I thought you had some standards. I mean, jeez, he's a dumb, gross gorilla! Leela: That's enough! Don't you think I feel bad enough already? Fry: No! Leela: Alright, alright. I'll call him. I mean, if living is that important to you. Zapp: And that's why you'll never make captain, Kif. Hmm. Leela: Hello, Zapp? Zapp: Well, well, well! Leela: Zapp, we're out of fuel... Leela: ...and Vergon 6 is about to implode. We need your help. Zapp: So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious. Leela: Bird's don't crawl. Zapp: They've been known to. Leela: Look, are you going to rescue us or not? Zapp: Can't you ask a little more ... sexfully? Leela: Please? Leela: Big Z? Zapp: Certainly. But first you'll have to get rid of that thing. That's the law, Leela. And Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love Hard and fast! Zapp: Now put that greasy rat outside and we'll tow you to safety. Leela: I would never abandon a helpless animal. Y'know, Zapp, once I thought you were a big, pompous buffoon. Then I realised that inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realise that outside that child is a big, pompous buffoon! Zapp: And which one rocked your world? Fry: Wow! Way to tell that guy off. Now what's your secret escape plan? Leela: Uh, I guess to sit here and wait for death. Bender: Can do! Bender: What the hell was that? Fry: Pew! Leela: I don't believe it! It's dark matter. Bender: So this guy just unloaded a steaming pile of starship fuel? Leela: His species must've filled the entire planet with it. Did you do that, you cute little- Come on. That should be more than enough fuel to get us outta here. Bender, pick it up and put it in the engine. Leela: We made it! And some of the animals survived. Bender: So a couple of animals didn't die and Leela got lucky. That's what I call a successful mission! Fry: We're heroes! Leela: Dear Captain's Diary I may not have found love on this mission but I did find a cute little companion who excretes starship fuel. And that's just as good. Zapp: Captain's journal Star date ... uh. Kif: April 13th. Zapp: April 13th ... point two. Zapp: We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However, I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars? Kif, I'm asking you a question!

Humorbot 5.0: So I says, "Super collider? I just met her!" And then they built the super collider. Thank you, you've been a great audience. Florp: Humorbot 5.0, ladies and gentlemen. Our next stand-up's a veteran of four comedy traffic schools. Give it way up for Bobcat Zoidberg! Fry: Alright! Leela: Yeah! Bender: Alright, Zoidberg! Zoidberg: Earth What a planet. On Earth, you enjoy eating a tasty clam. On my planet, clams enjoy eating a tasty you. Maybe I'm not yelling loud enough. On Earth, everybody is always looking for a giant squid. On my planet- Bender: Reload. Zoidberg: So these three parasitic worms bore into a human's head- Woman #1: Ew, gross. Zoidberg: And they walk up to the bar and then- Uh-oh. Wait, stop! I've got more! Zoidberg: My whole life I worked on that act. And they hated it. Hermes: You're a crazy, penniless, lobster doctor. No combination of you should be a comedian. Zoidberg: But comedy is in my valves. My Uncle Harold was a big Hollywood star back in the era of silent holograms. Leela: Your uncle was Harold Zoid? Zoidberg: This I cannot deny. Farnsworth: Why, I've been a Harold Zoid fan since back when my hips were made of bone. As it happens, I still have some of my original 78s. Hermes: You're right, crabby. He's a hell of a lot funnier than you could ever be. Zoidberg: Maybe so, but perhaps if I wrote him and asked for a few hundred pointers... Zoidberg: This letter has to be very personal, so I'm writing it in my own ink. Dear Uncle Zoid, greetings from your long-lost nephew. Norm and Sam and Sadie's boy, remember? Zoidberg: Now I am the most important doctor at the delivery company where I work. But, sadly, my life is bereft of laughter. Zoid: I beg of you, Mr. Funny Uncle, teach me the comedy business. Sincerely, Zoidberg. Oy, isn't that nice? He took the time. Woman #2: What's that scribbledy-gook? Zoid: This is a fan letter from my rich doctor nephew, who just might be my ticket out of this flophouse, he might. Yeah, you'd better run. Dear Rich Doctor Nephew, I can help you be funny. The first funny thing you must do is put all your money in the form of a cashier's check and come to Hollywood. Zoidberg: Sincerely, Harold Zoid. P.S. Cashier's check. Did you hear that? I'm going to Hollywood! Tour Guide: Welcome to Hollywood! I must warn you, there's no refund if you get discovered and leave the tour! I'm just kidding, that never happens. Now, to your right, you'll see 30th Century Fox Studios. Fox uses those searchlights to blind pilots, then film the resulting plane crashes. Bender: Neat! Tour Guide: Ahead, you'll see the home of Mel Gibson, star of the hit film, Bravehead. And do we have any fans of Calculon, star of the robot soap opera All My Circuits? Bender: Oh! I am! Me! Bender is! Tour Guide: Then you'll wanna get a close look at his luxurious Bel-Air home. Bender: Yes, I will. Calculon: Are you my new hot water heater? Bender: No, I'm Bender. We met once, remember? Calculon: Absolutely not. Bender: Come on, don't you remember how much I was bugging you, don't you? 'Cause it was a lot, you remember, right? Calculon: Look, I'm programmed to be very busy. Unless you can heat water to 212 degrees, I'm not interested. Have you got an extra GOTO 10 line? I said I don't need a bender. Bender: Bender? That was the other guy. My name's Boiler. Calculon: Nice work, Boiler. Bender: Thanks. And call me Bender. Zoidberg: That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch to discuss my Hollywood dreams. Next time you see me, don't be surprised if I've eaten. Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back! Zoid: Rich nephew, come over here and give your uncle a nice, big meal. So, here we are A still-famous film comedian. Zoidberg: And a rich, respected doctor with many surviving patients. Zoid: Eating real food in a restaurant, as we both often do. So, you want to be a comedian, is it? Zoidberg: It's my lifelong dream. Zoid: Well that dream dies now. You're unfunny and untalented. That's why you're perfect for drama. Zoidberg: Hmm. Serious drama. Perhaps it is time to give up comedy. Zoid: I'm putting together a big drama picture right now, as we speak. The script is dynamite. I know because I wrote it myself. And with me directing and starring, I'll be back on top after 50 miserable years- Uh, of fame. Zoidberg: Ah, fame. Where do I come in? Zoid: This fame film has a juicy part for you, if you completely finance it with your doctor money. So, are you in? Zoidberg: Uh, OK. How much do I have to invest? Zoid: Oh, not much, not much, A million dollars. Then it's settled. Another blockbuster Hollywood deal. Waiter: What can I get you gentlemen? Zoidberg: Is bread free? Waiter: Yeah. Zoidberg: We'll split an order. Bender: What's with Monstro? Fry: He promised he'd give his Uncle Zoid a million bucks to make a movie. Zoidberg: I've only been here a day and already I'm a Hollywood phoney. Bender: Well, perhaps I could call on TV's Calculon to help, now that I'm in showbiz. Fry: Since when have you been in the biz? Bender: Long enough, little man. Long enough. Bender: Calculon, as your hot water heater ... ... I would be remiss if I didn't bring you scripts that could make you an international film star. Calculon: Of course. Tell me about the project. Zoidberg: It's a movie. Calculon: Interesting. Tell me more. Bender: Get this For a scant $1 million investment, you can be the star. Calculon: And? Bender: And, uh, I guarantee it'll win you an Oscar. Calculon: An Oscar, you say? That would get me out of this festering rat's nest called "television" once and for all. Let me see the script. No. No, I don't like the font. Wait! Harold Zoid? Was this written by the Harold Zoid? Zoidberg: Written and Xeroxed. Calculon: Good heavens! A chance to work with the legendary Harold Zoid. He's one of my great idols. And-And you say you can guarantee me the Oscar? Bender: I can guarantee anything you want. Calculon: Then I'll do it! Zoidberg: Hooray! Bender: Here's your chequebook. Calculon: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our director, the legendary Harold Zoid! Zoid: Thank you. A more classic movie plot there isn't A son who does not want to follow in his father's business. And that business is being President of Earth, no less. The son, as it happens, is Vice President. Bender: That plot makes perfect sense. Wink, wink. Zoidberg: Bender, you said "wink, wink" out loud. Bender: No, I didn't. Raise middle finger. Zoid: Now remember, and I can't stress this enough, this is a talkie, so I want the full gamut of emotions from every actor in every scene. Zoidberg: The Magnificent Three. Scene one, take one. Zoid: And, action! Calculon: Take back your gilded pen, Father. Signing bills into law was always your dream, not mine. Zoid: Cut! Cut! Cut it! I said this is a talkie, damnit! You've got to emote more! And you extras, wave your arms and make faces. What is this, a morgue? Zoidberg: The Magnificent Three. Scene 10, take 95. Zoid: Action. And I mean circus-grade action. Calculon: Sir, I call upon you not as a President but as a father. Zoid: Cut, cut, cut it! Would you show a little emotion? People, people, please. Just because it's a dramatic scene, doesn't mean you can't do a little comedy in the background. Throw a pie or two, for God's sake. Calculon: Nooo! Zoid: Cut, cut it! Eck! Look, look, it's alright, kid. We'll, uh, we'll get it in editing. Alright, that's a wrap, everybody. I'm gonna see you all at the premiere which, by the way, when is? Zoidberg: Well, editing is a long and expensive process but we spent all the money on pies, so it'll be ready Friday. Bender: Nice turnout, Calculon. That Oscar's practically on your mantel. Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do. Calculon: I agreed to be your Vice President but I never agreed to be your son. Thank you, Lieutenant Smith. Zoidberg: Good morning, Mr. Vice President! Fry: Leela, we're missing the premiere. My only goal in life was to attend a Hollywood shindig. Just pay the valet the two bucks. Leela: No! It's the principle of the thing. Besides, I think I see a parking lot up ahead. Calculon: Father, I've asked you to join me on the White House roof so we could have a heart-to-heart talk. I will never follow in your footsteps. Here is my resignation as Vice President. Zoid: No! My son will not shame me like this. I would sooner die, I would! Calculon: Father! The ledge! Zoid: Oy! Calculon: Oh! Zoidberg: The President is dead. Congratulations, Mr. President! Calculon: Nooo! Bender: Woo-hoo! Yeah! He's a visionary! Calculon: Everyone walked out. They hated it. I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this. You said that Oscar was practically on my mantel. Bender: Now you know why I use the qualifier, "practically". Calculon: You listen to me. I'm out a million bucks here! You get me that Oscar or you're dead! You and these snivelling lobsters! Dead. You hear me? Dead! Zoid: Oy, now he emotes! Zoidberg: Let's just hope Calculon breaks our legs; they'll grow back. Zoid: He's gonna kill us, you klutzel! Who told that under-acting stiff he was going to get an Oscar? Bender: Me. It seemed like the least honest way to get him to pay for the movie. Zoid: He paid? I though you paid, with your big-shot doctor money. Zoidberg: I lied. Zoid: OK, enough with the blubbering, already. The way I directed the hell out of him, he may still very well get the nomination. Bender: Wink. Calculon: 400 categories and not a single nomination for me. Zoidberg: But you won this Golden Globe! Calculon: Piffle! That's the Emmy of movie awards! I told you I want an Oscar. Bender: Then maybe you should act better. Calculon: The Oscar isn't about acting. It's about earning the respect and admiration of the creative community. Zoid: How 'bout we rig the awards? Calculon: That's fine too. Leela: It's no use. The tar is too thick. Plus, I think I flooded it. Fry: Well, we missed the premiere and we're gonna die. We might as well enjoy the sights. Oh, my God! Sylvester Stallone! Zoidberg: This is where you live? I though you were a big-shot Hollywood movie star. Zoid: No, I'm not. I'm an even bigger liar than you. My career went down the tubes the day they invented smell-a-vision. Bender: Calculon's gonna kill us for sure. It's all everybody else's fault. Zoid: Oy. All I wanted was for people to think of me one last time before I die. Zoidberg: What are you talking about, Uncle? Everybody remembers Harold Zoid! Zoid: As a pathetic has-been, they remember me. As a forgotten relic, they remember me. Bah! It's better to die now. Zoidberg: No. This is one death Dr. Zoidberg won't be responsible for. Zoidberg away! Rivers: Hi, I'm Joan Rivers' head. I tell you, I've had so many face-lifts, they finally lifted it right off my body! It's true, it's true! Oh, oh, oh! Here comes Jack Nicholson's DNA reconstituted in a gorilla body. Bender: Catering. Rivers: Oh, and here's washed-up actor, whatshisname, Harold Zoid. Are you presenting one of those tacky honorary awards, or just getting one? Zoid: I'm a seat-filler, Joan's head. My only marketable skill is to occupy space. Calculon: You know, the second I don't win that award, you're cat food. Right, Boxy? Announcer: And now, the host of the 1074th Academy Awards, Billy Crystal. Crystal: Now I know how a Pez dispenser feels. Oh, you like that one, Jack? Alright, we're already one hour behind. Our first award tonight Best Cinematography in a Non-Visible Spectrum. Fry: It's been two weeks. You wanna play tic-tac-toe again before we eat our shoes? Leela: Oh, I always knew I'd die at the bottom of a pit. But a pit full of tar? Fry: What was that? A tar dolphin or a tar shark? Leela: It's some kind of hollow tube, devoid of human life. The Los Angeles subway! We can blast our way in and escape! Fry: Alright, but I still feel like having a shoe. Zoidberg: What category are they on? Bender: They're giving out the minor technical awards. I think they're up to writing. Zoidberg: That just leaves Best Soft-Drink Product Placement and then Best Actor. We don't have much time. Crystal: And the nominees for Best Soft-Drink Product Placement are Slurm Machine: Star Trek The Pepsi Generation, They Call Me Mr. Pibb and Snow White and the 7 Ups. Bender: And now to present the award for Best Actor ... ... a bit player in the flop movie The Magnificent Three ... ... Dr. Zoidberg. Calculon: OK, Boxy, keep your prong on the trigger. Zoidberg: And the nominees for Best Actor are Sir Lawrence- ... in The Merchant of Venus, Hive Mind Gamma 7X in Bikini Party Summer, the Soda Machine Robot in Bikini Party Summer, Mark Jones in How Beige Was My Jacket and, instead of the fifth guy, Calculon, for his powerhouse performance in The Magnificent Three. Man #1: Uh-oh, he read the wrong name. Man #2: Shh, just play along, like they did for Marisa Tomei. Zoid: Hooray, I won't be murdered. I'll live another day. Another day of ... pathetic, forgotten misery. Zoidberg: And the winner is... And the winner, instead of any of the nominees, is the legendary Harold Zoid! Zoid: Thank you. Thank you so much! You know, through all my ups and downs, I always thought the most important thing in life was to win an Oscar. But tonight I realise what's really important is to win two Oscars. Ha! Ha! I'm kidding, I'm kidding. What really matters in life is that people care about you, whether it's a whole crowd ... ... or just one die-hard fan. Zoid: Thank you, nephew. Now I can die happy. 10 seconds from now, when Calculon kills us. Calculon: Harold Zoid! Bender: Hit the deck! Calculon: Where's that Oscar? Zoid: Here, enjoy. What are you getting upset? It's slightly less fraudulent for you to have it. Calculon: Yes. Yes, it's a real beauty. Someday I hope to win one of my own. Bender: Then you're not going to kill us, Your Majesty? Calculon: Nay. I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar. Zoidberg: Earthquake! Bender: Hit the deck! Zoid: Let the earth quake, I've got somebody's Oscar! Fry: We made it! I'm at a Hollywood party! Doorman: I'm sorry, sir, this is a private- Oh, pardon me, I see you're with Mr. Stallone.

Morbo: So I gave the cookies you made to Fawn and the kids and they couldn't believe it - they were delicious. But, I digress. Tremble, puny earthlings! One day my race will destroy you all! Leela: Could one of you guys get that? Leela: It's a doorbell baby! Hello, little guy. You know, I was abandoned as a baby too, so- Bender: Garbage, huh? I'll take care of it. Leela: Bender, stop! It's a baby! Bender: A baby what? Ow! Leela: Oh, it's just a card. From the orphanarium I grew up in. Card: Leela, you're invited to a reunion at Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium. Please stand clear of self-destructing basket. Bender: A reunion at your old orphanarium, eh? You gonna go? Leela: No way, Jose-bot. I never wanna see those other orphans again! Not after the way they used to pick on me. Kids: One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! Kirk: Nice depth-perception, one-eye! Leela: How can you make fun of me, Kirk? You're blind! Kirk: My eyes may not work, but at least I got two of them! Fry: Aww. That's terrible, Leela. But imagine the look on their faces when you show up with two friends who eat all the hors d'Oeuvres. Leela: Well, I wouldn't mind rubbing my success in a few choice faces. Bender: Set a course for adventure! Fry: Ew! Bender: What a dump! Leela: Just like old times. Gosh! The bars on the windows seemed so much thicker back then. Mr. Vogel? Remember me? Vogel: Leela! You're worthless and no one will ever love you! Leela: You used to say that all the time! Vogel: Oh, those were happier days. Fry: Mmm! The gristle-in-a-blanket isn't half bad. Bender: And try one of these Popsicle sticks. They've absorbed quite a bit of flavour. Leela: Hey, look. It's our old group picture. Fry: I don't see you anywhere. Leela: That's me over in Cootietown. Bender: Whoa! Get a load of this average-looking guy! Leela: That's Adlai Atkins. I used to have kind of a crush on him. Kids: One-eye! One-eye! French Guy: Stupid as a French guy! Kids: One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! Leela: Well, it's time to say hello to the old gang. Man #1: So, whatcha been up to since you left the orphanarium? Man #2: Uh, living in a box, fighting the shakes. You? Man #1: Selling kidneys, teeth, whatever falls out of me. Leela: And what am I up to, you ask? Why, I'm a very successful space captain. Man #2: Oh. Man #1: Wow. Man #3: How nice for you, Leela. Woman: That's so good for a person with one eye. Leela: Hey! You can't feel sorry for me! I'm a space captain and you're a bunch of losers. Man #1: Uh, right, right. We're the losers! Kirk: Well, if it isn't old one-eye! Leela: Oh, yeah? Well, shut up, cane boy! Man #3: He can't hear you. He's deaf now. Adlai: Leave Leela alone. She's leading a perfectly normal life. She's not gussied up, duded out, getting down or where it's at. Now run along. Leela: Thanks, Adlai. I guess you never really outgrow being an eyeball- Oddball! Adlai: Nonsense. You're a space captain. That's a fine, conventional profession. Leela: Well, you know, it's just for a package delivery service. Adlai: Ah-ah. A package is just a box until it's delivered. Leela: Huh. I'd never thought of it that way. So what do you do these days? Adlai: Oh, I'm a doctor. Leela: A tall doctor, you say? Vogel: Sir, you seem pretty stable. Have you thought about adopting one of our kids? Fry: Sure haven't. Vogel: Well keep adoption in mind. It's a great way to have a kid without having sex. Fry: Really? Vogel: Plus, the government will help out with a small stipend of $100 a week. Bender: $100 a week? Adlai: I'm so sorry I teased you back then. Let me make it up to you. I can fix it so no one ever makes fun of you again. Leela: You mean by beating them up? Because I've broken that blind kid's nose like 10 times and it doesn't make any difference. Adlai: No, I specialise in phaser eye surgery. I can build you a paraffin eye and graft it on with skin from your foot. It won't be able to see but you'll look like a perfectly normal two-eyed person. Leela: Me? Perfectly normal? Bender: Sons, daughters, meet Uncle Fry. Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass? Bender: No. It's called "parenting". Come on, dumplings. We've got 12 government stipends to collect. Boy: Our daddy's a giant toy! Farnsworth: Phaser eye surgery is a capital idea. I'm sure Leela's tired of morons gaping at her eye all the time. Amy: I think cosmetic surgery's great, Leela. I used to be too cute, so I had cuteness-reduction surgery here ... ... and here. Fry: You guys are crazy. Leela doesn't need surgery. You look great the way you are. Leela: Oh, that's so sweet, Fry. But for once in my life, I just wanna look normal. Fry: But you're better than normal, you're abnormal. If you ask me, you shouldn't care what other people think. Leela: You're right! I'll start by not caring what you think! I'm getting the surgery. Farnsworth: That a girl! Amy: Right on! Zoidberg: Wonderful. And while you're under the knife, you could also get an ink pouch to help you escape your enemies. Farnsworth: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard, you imbecile! Adlai: Now we'll find out if the operation was a success. Hold on to your hats. Oh, I'm sorry, this is the wrong patient. Oops. Amy: Leela, those eyes look so great on you. Fry: Bah! I think she looked fine before. Farnsworth: No. Zoidberg: No. Amy: Uh-uh. Hermes: Wrong. Leela: Wow, look at me. Although I don't have the hang of blinking yet. Adlai: You'll get it. Personally, I try not to blink too much because it seems flashy. But when I do, I enjoy it. Leela: I did it! I blunk! Hermes: And just in time to screw up this picture I took! Leela: Hooray! Walt: Ow! Igner: Ow! Larry: Ow! Leela: I've never felt so unremarkable! Today I actually blended in with a crowd! Bender: Kids, meet the jerkbags I work with. Kids: Hello, jerkbags! Amy: Oh, they're so cute! What are their names? Bender: Kids have names? Nina: My name's Nina, and his name's Albert- Bender: And from now on, you're all named Bender Jr.! Lookie here! My first government stipend cheque! 12 baby humans, 1200 wing-wangs! Sally: Daddy Bender, we're hungry. Bender: What is it with you kids? Every other day it's food, food, food! Oh, fine. I'll get you some stupid food. Albert: Can we have Bender burgers again? Bender: No. The cat shelter's on to me! Adlai: Hello, Leela. I was in a nearby tailor getting one of my Hawai'ian shirts toned down, so I thought I'd drop in for your follow-up exam. Leela: Oh. That's so handsome of you. Adlai: Just follow the light with your eyes. Perfect! You know, a guy could fall head-over-heels for a gal like you. As for me, I'm somewhat interested myself. Leela: What are you saying? Adlai: I've never been good with words, which is why I'm in such a delicate conundrum. Will you go out with me this Sunday? Leela: Sure! Adlai: I don't know what else to say, so I'll just say it. Okey-dokey, see you then. Fry: This is so unfair! I liked you back when you were a cyclops! That guy's only interested now that you have two eyes. Leela: You're just jealous! Fry: No, I'm not! Oh, wait, I am. But my point remains valid! Leela: Fry, I just wanna try dating a normal man, who if you go somewhere with him no one says he's crummy. I think I deserve that once in life. Zoidberg: Be careful with that Adlai, Leela, he's a doctor, they're very poor. Leela: Actually, most doctors are rich. Zoidberg: What? When did this happen? You're joking, right? That's not funny! Bender: OK, they've got everything you need here Booze, a couple of peanuts, they got a crapper in the back. That's one of the things you kids do, right? Albert: Yeah. Bender: Then knock yourself out. Hey! Hey! Only eat and drink enough to barely keep yourselves alive! I'm trying to make a profit here. Nina: Daddy! Bethany's hitting me! Bender: Here. Fembot: These kids yours? Bender: Yeah. Fembot: Ooh. I'm attracted to a man with responsibility! Bender: That's me, baby! Let me just ditch the kids in an alley and we can go have some fun. Boy: Daddy Bender? Bender: Son, daddy's trying to score with a cheap floozy right now, so we need you to cram a Tinkertoy in it! Boy: I love you, Daddy Bender! Bender: Hey, what the hell are you doing? Quit hugging me! Fembot: I guess you're busy. I'll catch you later. Bender: You morons! I don't know what you're trying to pull but I got half a mind to hug each and every one of you and see how you like it! Oh, come on! Adlai: I thought I'd take you someplace ordinary, a place no one could object to. Leela: That sounds wonderful. Man #4: I'd like an extra-beautiful bouquet for my extra-gorgeous sweetheart. Adlai: Average, please. Leela: Oh, Adlai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared at me or avoided staring at me or tried to burn me. You make me feel so not weird. Adlai: Leela, you're 999,999 in a million! Leela: Thanks for coming out to get to know my boyfriend. Isn't he dreamy? Zoidberg: Totally. Adlai: Uh, listen. I just want you all to know your Leela's one standard lady. Leela: Oh, Adlai, stop! Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal and that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does. Zoidberg: Damn right! Fry: And the Professor's a senile, amoral crackpot. Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant. Hermes: Tally me banana. Fry: Amy's a klutz from Mars. Amy: Sploops! Farnsworth: And, Fry, you've got that brain thing. Fry: I already did! So, Leela, do you wanna be like us? Or do you wanna be like Adlai with no severe mental or social problems whatsoever? Leela: That's the dumbest question I ever heard! Farnsworth: She's right! Zoidberg: No doubt about it. Amy: Duh! Hermes: Daylight come! Bender: Coming through, watch your heads! Zoidberg: Help! I'm under attack! Bender: Remember your manners, kids. Forks go in the left pocket, spoons in the right. Elzar: Which one of you cutie muffins gets the children's spicy squab? Sam: Me! Bender: Ah-ah-ah! What do we say when someone gives you something? Sam: 'Bout time! Bender: That's my boy! Elzar: And here's your check. Bam! Albert: I gotta go poopy! Bender: Well you should've gone poopy before it was time to run out on the check! C'mon! Go, go! Through the kitchen! Elzar: You little crooks! If I catch you I'm going to make cutie-muffin gumbo! Adlai: You know, seeing that strange robot force 12 children to do his bidding makes me think about kids of our own. Leela: Us? Me? You? Kids? Adlai: That's correct. It's time to stop living this vida bachelor loca, settle down and have kids. Leela: Oh, Adlai, this is the most beautiful moment of my life! Albert: Daddy Bender, I want a piggy back ride. Bender: Daddy's tired. Let's just have another dog-pile on Fry. Sally: Tell us a story, Daddy Bender. Kids: Story! Story! Story! Bender: Alright, fine, gather round. Nina: We wanna hear this one again! Bender: "Bender's Arrest Record" by the police. On March 3rd at 2pm, Bender was caught shoplifting. Albert: Yeah, show us the picture! There he is! Bender: OK, kids. It's 9.00, you know what that means. Daddy's sick of looking at you so go to bed. The grown-ups have to talk. Come on, Ma. Bender: Now to figure out how much money I'm raking in off those twerps! Oh! I need a calculator. Fry: You are a calculator. Bender: I mean a good calculator. Minus the food, the bunny rabbit wallpaper- I'm getting 100 bucks a kid and they're costing me 110! Fry: There goes my new kitchen cabinets. Bender: I'm not sitting through one more PTA meeting. The kids have got to go! Sam: Daddy, how do I flush you? Bender: Just go to bed! Adlai: You know, doing this jigsaw puzzle of a pacifier factory makes me want to have children with you all the more. Leela: Adlai, I was thinking, since we're both orphans, maybe we should adopt a child. Adlai: Adoption? Yes, that's acceptable. Heck, it's more than acceptable, it's adequately satisfactory! Bender: Hello? Imperial Dragon Restaurant? I've got a herd of you-know-whats for sale. Let me check. Oh, aren't you a cutie? About 35lbs. What? Leela: Hi, Bender. We'd like to adopt a child. Bender: Well, you've come to the right place because Honest Bender's Orphanarium means discount orphans. Now, little lady. What do I have to do to send you home with 12 orphans today? Adlai: Uh, I'm afraid we only want one. Bender: Whatever you say, chief. I'll show you what I got in stock. Leela: I remember this from when we were kids The warden would trot you out in front of prospective parents and they'd judge you like a piece of meat. Albert: I'm Albert. Leela: Kind of fatty. Bender: Then how about this little number? Pure-bred human. No vampire in there. Leela: Uh, um. Adlai: Hmm. Bender: If you're strapped for cash, you might wanna consider this irregular unit. Cursed with a third ear but so full of that emotion I understand is called "love". Sally: One time, I did a hundred jump ropes. Leela: Oh, I can't decide. We're gonna have to think about it. Bender: OK, kids, grown-ups gotta talk now, time for bed. Albert: But it's 10 in the morning! Bender: I said hit the hay! Leela: Oh, they're all so adorable. Bender: Yeah. You know, it's times like this I can hardly bear to let them go. Goodnight, you princes of Maine, you kings of New New England. Smitty: You're under arrest for child cruelty, child endangerment, depriving children of food, selling children as food and misrepresenting the weight of livestock. Bender: If you had kids of your own, you'd understand! Leela: Officer, would it be alright if we adopted one of the kids? Smitty: Might as well. They're just gonna rot in the evidence locker. Orphan #1: Nice ear! Orphan #2: Hey, freaky ears! Orphan #3: How's you hearing? Leela: I've made up my mind. Let's adopt her. Adlai: Her? But there's plenty of normal ones. Leela: Come on, Adlai. She could really use a mom and dad. Kids: Ear-face! Ear-face! Sally won the ugly race! Adlai: On the other hand, the children bring up a good point. She does have an ear on her face. Leela: Well? So what? She may be different but she still deserves a good home. Adlai: Oh, alright. If you really want that one, I can give her an operation to make her acceptable. Leela: She doesn't need an operation! She's fine the way she is! Adlai: Oh, and I suppose you were fine the way you were? Leela: Damn right I was! Fry: Yay! Leela: Shut up, Fry. Now look, Adlai. I'm proud to be different. And I just wished I'd realised that when I was her age. Sally: I also have a tail! Leela: Now take me to the hospital and put my eye back the way it was. Right now! Adlai: Why should I do that? Leela: Listen, buddy. By the end of the day, one of us is gonna have one eye. Vogel: In recognition of Bender's generous gift of 12 orphans and a government cheque for 1200 wing-wangs, I hereby rename this building the Bender B. Rodriguez Orphanarium! Fry: It's good to have the old weird-looking Leela back. Leela: Aww! You're a true friend, Fry. I guess there's nothing wrong with being a little weird. Fry: Leela, there's nothing wrong with anything. Albert: We'll miss you, Daddy Bender. Nina: We know robots don't have emotions but we drawed you this picture. Sally: So if you ever miss us, even just a teeny bit, you can look at it. Bender: Hey, I smoke a cigar, not a candy cane. Sheesh! Hey! What the- Get away! Come on! I just got all the gum off of there! Hey! Hey! I hate you! I hate you all!

Mr. Wong: Yes? Amy: Hi, Dad. It's me and my co-workers. Mrs. Wong: Open up, Leo. It's Amy and her weirdos. Mrs. Wong: Howdy, friends! Welcome to Mars! Leela: Thanks so much for inviting us, Mr. Wong. I've never been to a Mars Day barbecue. Mr. Wong: Oh, Mars Day much better than Earth Day. Dump trash wherever you want! Big, empty planet! Mrs. Wong: OK, then. Make yourselves at home. Zoidberg: Don't mind if I already did. By the way, do you have anymore of this Dom Perignon bubble bath? There was only enough to fill the tub halfway. Farnsworth: This is quite a large ranch you have. Mr. Wong: 17.9 billion acres. We own entire western hemisphere. That the best hemisphere! Farnsworth: It's the same on Earth. Mr. Wong: Here is most number one product of all The mighty buggalo. They used for everything; meat, milk and their shells make good row boat. Zoidberg: I broke your television. Hermes: Mon, it must take forever to brand all those cattle. Mr. Wong: Not really. We own so much stuff it easier just to brand everything that not ours. Hermes: Please don't do that. Amy: Betsy! This is my sweet, little Betsy. I raised her from a larva that ate one of my sweaters. Mr. Wong: Yes, everybody love Betsy. We going to eat her at Amy's wedding. If she ever get married! Amy: Dad! Gleesh! Please don't say things like that when you meet my boyfriend tonight. Mr. Wong: Oh, that right. We finally get to spend some time with this Mr. Kif. Mrs. Wong: I just hope he's a nice man who can make us lot of grandchildren. This not some parallel universe where you getting any younger. Zapp: Now remember, Kif, the quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in. Kif: Actually, sir, I'm-I'm a little nervous about meeting her family. Zapp: Well that's natural. After all you're meek and uninteresting. Until now you've gotten by on my left-over charisma, scrounging off it like a tiny charisma parasite. Kif: I just hope they like me. Zapp: And why wouldn't they? Yes, yes, I know. Tiny, meek, uninteresting. Spare me your tedious life story, Kif. And above all have fun! Bender: Yeah, yeah, get on down! Oh, yeah! Drop another barnyard bomb on us, Vanilla Corn! Dj: Yo, fool, it's Mixmaster Festus! Fry: So what's Mars Day about, anyway? Mrs. Wong: It commemorate the day centuries ago when our ancestor, Sir Reginald Wong, bought Mars from stupid natives. Leela: How can you call the Native Martians "stupid"? Mr. Wong: They sell whole planet for one bead. Sound stupid to me! Farnsworth: That is stupid! Leela: I can't believe you're laughing at the tragic exploitation of a proud, bead-loving people. Fry: Lighten up, Leela. It's funny! Leela: Of course it is. But you don't have to laugh! Kif: Amy, no! Not on your parents' planet! Rj: Howdy, Amy. Glad to see you've come back to the country. It's where the flavour is. Amy: RJ, this is my boyfriend, Kif. Rj: This wimp? You've gone a long way, baby. Cigarette, partner? Kif: Oh, I don't- Rj: I haven't even lit it yet! Kif: Oh. Is it lit now? Rj: Yep. You're pathetic! Zoidberg: Host-man! Host-woman! I'm having a wonderful time! Mr. Wong: You here five hours and already you tear up couch, draw moustache on priceless painting and fill pool with brine shrimp. Zoidberg: Not bad for a city boy, huh? By the way, I took the liberty of fertilising your caviar. Amy: Just relax. I'm sure my parents will love you. Kif: You don't understand. When I get nervous, I can't control my camouflage reflex. Oh, dear! Oh, goodness! Oh, odds and bodkins! Fry: I'll have a thorax and some feelers. Mr. Wong: You want some salad with that? Fry: Yuck! Amy: Mom? Dad? You remember Kif? Mr. Wong: This your boyfriend? I have instant dislike of him! Mrs. Wong: He too scrawny to father grandchildren. Amy: He's not scrawny, he's just small-boned. Kif: Actually, I don't have bones. I'm supported by a system of fluid-filled bladders that- Mr. Wong: Yes, yes! You a big squishy wuss! Amy should be dating real man. Like him! Kif: I can be manly too. I think I'll, uh, light up a smoke. Amy: Wrong way! Kif: Smooth! Amy: Look on the bright side My parents left after you passed out so they didn't even see you barf. Kif: Oh, now they'll never think I'm manly enough to date their daughter. Amy: It's OK, Kif. I'll go get you a tissue from your tote. Rj: Hey there, Amy. Like you to meet my buddy, Joe. Joe: Sorry I'm late. My pool game ran long at the jazz club! Rj: Kids love him! Fry: What's that weird sound? Mr. Wong: Dust storm! Oh, dust storm! Everybody into house. Hurry, before we die. And wipe your damn feet! Mrs. Wong: Phew! Everyone OK? No one considering lawsuit? Farnsworth: Hmm. I might have mental anguish. Mr. Wong: I'll have you know I'm friends with every judge on planet. Farnsworth: I'm OK then. Mrs. Wong: Storm dying down. Leo, check if buggalo herd is OK. Mr. Wong: Oh! Leela: What happened to the buggalo? Mr. Wong: They been rustled under cover of storm. We ruined! Zoidberg: Nooo! Amy: Don't worry, Daddy. It'll be OK. Mr. Wong: Oh, really? Who gonna save us? One-eye? Lobster mooch? Drunken garbage can? Hermes: This sounds like a job for- Kif: Lieutenant Kif Kroker! Hermes: Alright then. Mr. Wong: Aye-ah! Those buggalo are what made Wong family so rich and powerful. Oh, Inez, with them stolen, we ruined! Mrs. Wong: OK. I want a divorce. Zoidberg: Mom! Dad! Don't ask me to choose! Amy: They're not your parents, I'm not your sister and that's not your golf cart. Zoidberg: Aw! Amy: Everybody just calm down. Kif promised he'd catch the rustlers. Kif: Mrs. Wong, do you have a neckerchief I could borrow? Kif: My plan is to take all the remaining buggalo and lead them on a rough, tough cattle drive. Then, when the rustlers attack, I'll make a citizen's arrest! Farnsworth: It sounds dangerous. Someone could get killed. Fry, Leela, Bender, I want you to go with him. Fry: Aw, man! Kif: Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Wong. I'll get your cattle back or die trying. Mr. Wong: Hey, we can't lose! Amy: No, Kif! It's too risky. You don't have to do this to prove your manliness. Mrs. Wong: Oh, yes he does! Rj: Here are your mounts! Leela: She's got a fine coat. Kif: Now, we need buggalo to lure the rustlers. How many are left? Amy: You're lookin' at her. Betsy's the only one left. She was curled up in my hamper when the storm hit. Aw, she likes you! Kif: Saddle up, men. We got some no good rustlers to ... catch! Bender: We've got a right to pick a little fight with rustlers, Somebody wants to pick a fight with us, He'd better bite my ass! Fry: Yee-haw! Leela: Wow, look at that Olympus Mons, the tallest volcano in the solar system. Fry: Where? Leela: Right in front of you. Fry: Oh. Oh! Kif: We'll camp near the top. The rustlers will be sure to spot us there. Fry: Where? Bender: And even though the computer was off and unplugged, an image stayed on the screen. It was ... the Windows logo! Fry: Pft, that's not scary! Bender: It is if you're a laser printer. Leela: OK, my turn to tell a ghost story. Once, there was this woman driving- Fry: Hook on the hand! Kif: OK, I've got one. This family- Fry: Man in the attic! Leela: Fine, Mr. Know-It-All-About-Something-Finally, you tell a story! Fry: With pleasure. Once, not far from here, four people set out on a cattle drive- Bender: Robot gets bored and kills Fry with a hammer! Sorry, go on. Fry: And then, while they sat helplessly around the campfire ... a demented knife-wielding escaped lunatic libertarian zombie mutant snuck up and- Amy: Surprise! Kif: Amy? What are you doing here? Amy: I forgot to give you something before you left. Kif: What? Amy: Is that your camouflage reflex or are you just happy to see me? Kif: I love it out here, Amy. I feel so manly. I have a blister, I-I spit! A-And of course, I tell no one my feelings. Amy: But you still have them, right? Kif: Oh, yes. But I keep them inside until I can write them in my diary. Amy: Ah, it's a wonderful night. Kif: It sure is. I could just lie here beside you staring at the sky all night. Amy: I can't! What's that? Kif: Maybe we just made love. Amy: The buggalo! They're in the crater. Kif: The rustlers must have seen me coming and run off, scared. Amy: Oh, Kif! You're so brave! Kif: Sh! They'll hear us! Kif: OK, the dynamite's in place. Amy: Are you sure there's no other way to get the buggalo out? Leela: Not unless your parents have thousands of helicopters at their disposal. Amy: Well, actually- Bender: Too late! This is more fun! Amy: Kif! You did it! But how did you know the dynamite would work? Kif: I once took a seminar in ejecting chickens from a sand dune. The principle is essentially the same. Fry: Hey, it's that "barbecue's over" sound again. Leela: Sandstorm! We're in the eye of the storm! Fry: Where? Bender: What's that? Fry: My God! Leela: Who are they? Singing Wind: Fehk! We are the Native Martians. Fry: Also, I didn't know buggalo could fly. Singing Wind: Only those who revere Mother Mars can fly buggalo. And only they shall have buggalo. And they're us. Kif: But your, um, Martian-ness, these buggalo aren't yours. They belong to the Wong family. Singing Wind: You mean family that took all Martian land and gave us one lousy bead? Amy: Uh-huh! Amy Wong. And you are? Singing Wind: Mad at Wong family! We plan to ruin them by stealing buggalo. But now we take girl instead. Amy: Wait! I'm too rich to be kidnapped! Kif: Amy! Nooo! Bender: Don't worry, Kif. I'm sure some other beautiful, rich girl will fall in love with you. Mr. Wong: Hooray! You bring back cattle. Kif: Yes ... but ... I'm afraid I've got some bad news as well. Mrs. Wong: Let Amy tell us. That way it soften the blow. Why Amy being so quiet? Kif: Um ... well, um ... that is, um... Mr. Wong: Oh, no! Martians kidnap Amy! I know it them 'cause they no use good grammar. Kif: I'll get your daughter back, sir. I swear. Mr. Wong: Forget it, squishy. You the one lose her in first place. You done enough. Mrs. Wong: Yeah. This time we get most decorated law man in the whole universe! Kif: You mean- Oh, no, please. I beg you! Oh, for the love of- Zapp: I am the man with no name. Zapp Brannigan, at your service! Mrs. Wong: Please, Mr. Brannigan, we need you go get our daughter back. Zapp: Very well. I'll clean up Kif's mess. I shall go bargain with the Martian's personally. Your gasps intrigue me. Explain. Mr. Wong: Martians have no land. They been gently encouraged to live on reservation deep underground. No one ever dare go there. Farnsworth: This mission is incredibly dangerous. Someone's sure to be killed. Fry, Leela, Bender- Bender: Damn you, old man! Leela: Aw, look. Betsy followed you, Kif! Zapp: I didn't realise you were bringing your girlfriend, lieutenant! Kif: She won't leave me alone. Zapp: Did I say "girlfriend"? She sounds more like a wife! Zapp: Behold The Great Stone Face of Mars. Fry: Hm. Zapp: The only known entrance to the Martian reservation. Leela: What about the Great Stone Ass of Mars? Zapp: Well, yeah, but it's way over the other side of the planet. Zapp: Nose-ward, ho! Singing Wind: Fehk! I am Singing Wind, chief of the Martian tribe. Zapp: Take me to your leader. Singing Wind: Moving along. Why you trespass on our land? Zapp: We come to negotiate the release of Amy Wong. And just to clarify Land is the stuff that has sky over it. Leela: They have such respect for the planet. Martian #1: Cynthia used to drink Slurm. Singing Wind: We will give back girl when we get back planet surface. Zapp: How do we even know she's alive? Amy: I'm fine. Zapp: Sh! You're weakening our bargaining position. How about instead you give us the girl and we carve a bunch of our presidents into your sacred mountain? Singing Wind: You waste words. We want return of land that was taken from us. Bender: Uh, actually you traded it for a bead. Singing Wind: Tribe suffer heap big buyer's remorse. We want land back! Zapp: Chief, my people are a people of law. And that law is ... ... no backsies! Singing Wind: The time for stupid statements is over! Zapp: Oh, boy! Leela: Ow, ow, ow, ow! My eye! Zoidberg: Ma! Pa! Our precious ranch! Kif: Amy, no! It's too windy! Stay calm, dearest! I'll save you! Amy: Kif! You're flying Betsy! Kif: Need a lift? Singing Wind: Great Mother Mars! He has the gift! Leela: Yay, Kif! Zapp: Kroker, that was one Brannigan-esque feat of heroism! Singing Wind: We have misjudged you, green one. You fly the buggalo like us. You have true reverence for Mother Mars. Let there be peace between us. Martian #2: Yes. Let us smoke-em peace pipe. Kif: Smoke-em? Singing Wind: Here, take. Kif: Ooh, no thanks. I'm on the peace patch. Singing Wind: You must smoke peace pipe, and you must do it peacefully. Or we'll kill you. Kif: Well, it's just really that I don't feel that- Zapp: Don't be such a chicken, Kif. Teenagers all smoke and they seem pretty on-the-ball. Fry: Yeah! Zapp: Yes, sir! Bender: Way to suck it! Kif: Hey, I'm smoking! I'm the greatest! Oh, monkey trumpets! Singing Wind: You have coughed at our offer of peace. So you must die! Martian #3: The very bead used to crush our dreams shall be used to crush your bones. Kif: Well, actually, I don't have bones. I'm supported by a system of fluid-filled bladders that- Fry: Wait. That's the bead you traded your land for? Leela: It's a gigantic diamond! That thing must be worth a fortune. Singing Wind: Really? Bender: Oh, Chief, you've made me the happiest girl in the world! Amy: Y'know, if you still want your land, we could just trade back for it. Singing Wind: Hmm. We always thought bead was worthless. We assumed our ancestors were cheated because they not have concept of ownership. Bender: So we can have the diamond? Singing Wind: No. We do have concept of ownership. You are free to go. Sorry about all the rustling and kidnapping. Leela: But what about your sacred land? Singing Wind: Land shmand! We don't wanna live on this planet. It's a dump. We'll buy new planet and act like it's sacred. With cash like this, who's going to argue? Nobody, that's who! Amy: Then Kif flew Betsy, rescued me from the tornado and made peace with the Martians. Mr. Wong: Please! He too much of a wimp. Mrs. Wong: Yeah. I'm sure it was all Mr. Zapp Brannigan here. Zapp: Please, you give me too little credit. Zoidberg: Captain Brannigan, you're always welcome here at Rancho Zoidberg! Zoidberg: Money doesn't make good people, no, siree! Amy: Thanks for saving my life, Kif. You're my hero. Kif: Oh, you're kind. But your parents still don't like me. Amy: Well globviously! But if they liked you then I wouldn't. Don't you know anything about girls? Kif: Dear diary, I just made love for the second time!

Announcer: Futurama is brought to you by ... ... Thompson's Teeth The only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Today marks our dear friend Dr. Zoidberg's 10th year with Planet Express. Huzzahs are in order. Fry: Huzzah! Leela: Huzzah! Amy: Huzzah! Zoidberg: Hooray for me! Hooray for Zoidberg! Hermes: I will now read the mandatory speech. Dear employee. Has it really been five, 10 or 15 years? If not, please disregard this and get back to work. Distribute token of appreciation and applaud. Zoidberg: Look! Coupons! I can get two oil changes for the price of one! Now if I could only afford the one ... and the car. Ah, the years! So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out of patients' bodies- Hermes: Yes, yes. Now here's your pension statement. It's empty because you haven't paid into it, you dumb stinkbug! Zoidberg: You kept track of it all these years! Fry: Oh, no, I'm boned! I haven't paid into the pension either. What'll I do when I retire? Bender: I thought you were retired. Fry: Hey, I don't see you planning for your old age. Bender: I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off switch to "off". Fry: Well I'm gonna take action. It's time to check on my retirement fund. Damn! Still only $100. Franklin: A penny saved is a penny earned. Also, could you get some athlete's foot cream for my face? Fry: He's right! I've gotta start investing wisely. Fry: Well, I'm down to my last lottery ticket. Cherry. Cherry! Mule. Crud! Bender: So, you got six bucks left to retire on. I recommend Tender Vittles. Teller: You're opening a retirement account for $6? I'm sure a wealthy ... ... mule farmer like yourself is aware that we charge a $10 monthly fee. Fry: You gotta spend money to make money. Teller: Here you are, sir. Your account is now overdrawn by $4. Robot: Gee, I've seen lines move faster in a sperm bank. Bender: That's for sure- Roberto! Is that you? Roberto: Bender! Hey, man! Bender: You old lunatic! How you been? Roberto: Not bad, not bad. Everybody on the floor! This is a stick-up! Bender: Yeah, I'm doing OK too. I'm taking a Chinese cooking class at the Learning Annex. Roberto: Cool. Ca-Can you give me a hand here? Bender: Sure thing, pal. Roberto: Hey, you! Red! Quit watering that plant and get the door! Bender: Well, nice talking to you. Roberto: Same here. You guys are alright! Here's something for your trouble. Bender: Hey, thanks, buddy! Smitty: Freeze, punks! You're under arrest! Nixon: Shoot them in the back! Quick! While they're not looking! Bailiff: Court is in session. The Honourable Judge Whitey presiding. Whitey: The charge is bank robbery. Now, my caddie chauffeur informs me that a bank is a place where people put money that isn't properly invested. Therefore, robbing a bank is tantamount to that most heinous of crimes, theft of money. Hyper-Chicken: As the surveillance camera for the bank what all the judge was a-jawing about, could y'all tell us what you done seen the day of the crime? Camera: Well, let's see. My memory's a little fuzzy, but it went exactly like this Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, I move that I be disbarred for introducing this evidence against my own clients. Hyper-Chicken: Mr. Fry, do you recognise the robot a-huggin' on you in this here hologram? Fry: I sure do! That's the real robber and I'll never forget his name as long as I live. And that name is- Leela: Fry! Just give a name. You don't wanna look stupid on Court TV! Fry: You're right. You're right. It was- Whitey: Yes? What? You say if I testify I'll be killed? Oh. It's for you. Roberto: ...and the other hamburger will... Roberto: ...also be made of your lungs. So long, pal. Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be chopped up into a patty. Whitey: Ah, the 67th Amendment. Hyper-Chicken: I may be a simple country Hyper-Chicken but I know when we're finger-licked. Whattya say we plead insanity? Bender: A few months in an insane asylum? I could do that standing on my head. Hyper-Chicken: If you start now, it might help our case. Whitey: Counselor, what evidence do you offer to support this new plea of insanity? Hyper-Chicken: Well, for one, they done hired me to represent them. Whitey: Insanity plea is accepted. Mr. Bender, I hereby commit you to the asylum for criminally insane robots until such time as you are deemed cured. Bender: Yahoo! The system fails again! Whitey: And, Mr. Fry, I sentence you to the home for criminally insane humans. Bailiff: Your Honour, that facility has been full ever since you ruled that being poor is a mental illness. Whitey: Order! Order! The only poor people I want to hear about are the people who tend to my pores at the spa. Just send them both to the robot loony bin and let's go. Fry: Ow! My head! Ow! My feet! Ow! My head! Ow! My feet! Farnsworth: Keep your chin up! Fry: Ow! My chin! Fry: I don't belong here, Bender. This is an asylum for insane robots! Bender: Well, you meet half the qualifications. Fry: Oh, good, a physical! Once they examine my fragile, naked, pink body, they'll see I'm not a- Fry: What the- Bender: I find that offensive! Dr. Perceptron: Greetings. I am Dr. Perceptron. Let me give you something to help you relax. Fry: Look! There's been a terrible mistake. I'm a human being. See? I'm all squishy and flabby. Also, I complain a lot. Dr. Perceptron: Yes, you do. You need to relax more. Terrific. Now, consider the following You were admitted to this robot asylum. Therefore, you must be a robot. Diagnosis complete. Fry: I do other human stuff! I age! See? Nurse Ratchet: I'm Nurse Ratchet. Please come with me, won't you? Nurse Ratchet: We'll meet your roommate next, shall we? His name is Malfunctioning Eddie. Fry: The car dealer? Wow! I guess his prices really were insane. Nurse Ratchet: He's very excitable. So don't say anything to surprise him. Malfunctioning Eddie: Pleased to meet you. Fry: Actually, we've met once before. Malfunctioning Eddie: What? Hairbot: I'm a pretty girl. I'm a pretty girl. I'm a pretty girl. Bender: Whoa! Someone had a busy day. Fry: My roommate exploded. Oh, you gotta help me, Bender. How can I prove I'm human? Bender: You could drop dead. That'd show 'em. Fry: I don't wanna! Unit 2013: Hey, man. I believe you're a human. Fry: You do? Unit 2013: Sure. They don't believe I'm a human either. Name's Unit 2013. C'mon. Lemme introduce you around. Fry, meet Norm. How's it going, pal? Still picking up transmissions from the CIA on your teeth? Norm: They just won't stop! Woman: The CIA cafeteria menu for the week of May 15th is as follows Monday, shepherd's pie. Tu- Unit 2013: Cuckoo! Fry: Let me guess, he thinks he's Lincoln? Unit 2013: Well, he's supposed to. Problem is he's got multiple personalities - all of them Lincoln. Lincolnbot: I was born in 200 log cabins. Unit 2013: And this here is Frankie. He's convinced he's a lunchroom worker, so they put him to work in the lunchroom. How is work in the lunchroom, Frankie? Frankie: It's alright. Unit 2013: Poor Frankie! Mad Hatterbot: Change places! Fry: Bender, I can't take much more of this! I want outta here! Bender: Are you crazy? This place is great! Electroshock whenever you want it, two Lincolns for every Napoleon. Ah! Sweet light crude! Fry: But I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having discs crammed into me. Unless they're Oreos - and then only in the mouth! Don't you understand? I'm gonna die here! Bender: Ah, quit your bellyaching and take it like a robot. Mad Hatterbot: Change places! Victor: The doctor says you are making great strides with your exploding problem. Malfunctioning Eddie: Well, the way I see it- Fry: You gotta get me out of here. I would have starved to death if not for that sick vending machine robot. Gimme! Gimme! Hermes: Poor Fry! He's got the munchies for freedom! Leela: We're all trying to help you. We've petitioned the governor but he doesn't want to appear soft on people who've been falsely imprisoned. Fry: At least I have friends on the outside. Bender's been no help at all. Bender: Je suis Napoleon! No, seriously, I'm not. Amy: Bender! You should be more ashamed of yourself than usual. Bender: Ah, lighten up, honey. I'm just trying to get through a difficult time using humour. Nurse Ratchet: Visiting hours are over. Time for our medication disks. Fry: Help me! For God's sake, help me! Farnsworth: Oh, don't worry, Fry. I too once spent a nightmare-ish time in a robot asylum. But now it's nearly over. So long. Fry: Thirty days hath September, April, June and ... wonder ... is that peanut butter ... what am I gonna do? Oh, God! What? What? What is it now? Dr. Perceptron: You are being released. Fry: Finally! Sweet justice! Sweet, juicy justice! Dr. Perceptron: Not you. Him. Malfunctioning Eddie: Me? What a surprise. Look! Malfunctioning Eddie: I barely exploded at all. Dr. Perceptron: We can control that with medication. Nurse Ratchet: Fry? Are we ready to meet our new roommate? Roberto: Hi, Red! Fry: Roberto! W-W-W-What are you doing here? Roberto: I got busted robbing that bank again. Fry: Why would you hold up the same bank twice? Roberto: Ah, that first time was just to case the joint and rob it a little. What's the matter? You scared? Fry: N- N- N- Roberto: Noticeably? I'll say! Now stand back, I gotta practise my stabbing. Fry: No! Please! Help! Stop it! Please! Bender: Hey! Keep it down in there! I'm tuning my banjo! Roberto: Jeez, Red. Quit cowering. You call yourself a robot? Fry: I'm not a robot! I'm not a robot! Dr. Perceptron: In answer to your question, Hermes, yes, your friend is cured. Hermes: Oh! Farnsworth: What a relief! Leela: Thank God! Dr. Perceptron: You'll notice he no longer suffers delusions of humanity. Fry: Affirmative. I feel nothing. I am a robot. Beep, beep, beep ... Leela: You've made a terrible mistake. He's a human being, not a machine. Oh, Fry! Bender: Gonna sing a little tale about a battle called Waterloo. Bonjour, y'all! Zoidberg: Listen to me, Fry. Just because you think you're a robot, doesn't make you a robot. After all, I think I'm a doctor but that doesn't make me a doctor. These fancy clothes do! Fry: Negative. I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me? Leela: Oh, lots of reasons. Fry: Bio-units, terminate noise exchange. It is time for you to ingest sandwiches from my compartment. Bender: Here we go. Just a minute. Aha! Commentator: And down the stretch, it's Daddy's Little Grandpa, followed by Perennial Loser, and bringing up the rear, it's Lasty! Bender: Come on, Lasty! Roberto: Hey, Bender. Bender: Roberto! Ooh, what a surprise to see you in here! Especially 'cause I didn't squeal on you, remember? Remember all that squealing I didn't do? Remember? Do you? Roberto: Yeah, yeah. Now lie down and play dead. And don't ham it up! Bender: Uh, sure. Anything for you, buddy. Roberto: Wait here, Bender. I need to get a disguise. Bender: Uh, what's with the get-up? Roberto: I'm in disguise 'cause I'm thinking of escaping. You in? Or do I gotta kill you so you don't squeal? Bender: I'm in! I'm in! So when were you planning the breakout? Roberto: I'm thinking maybe a few seconds ago. Bender: Quick! Let's keep escaping! Hermes: Times two, carry the one... Fry: Oh, you sad, worthless human. Hermes: What are ya- Sacred hog of Prague! That was my anniversary gift to LaBarbara! Fry: Fear not! For I shall assist ye! Hermes: Robots don't say "ye"! Fry: Relax, mammal. My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs. What is the meaning of this symbol? Hermes: That's a plus sign, you pointy-haired loony! Quit thinking you're a robot! Fry: I'll show ye! Fry: Stand back. I'm a tool-bot. Leela: You're not a tool-bot. You're not a food-motron. You're not a robot of any kind. Fry: Yes, I am. I simply haven't discovered my primary function yet. Leela: OK, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his humanity the way only a woman can. Farnsworth: You're going to do his laundry? Leela: Fry, this is for you. Fry: Beep. Leela: Oh, for God's sake! Zoidberg: By a scallop's forelocks! What's with all the beer, Fry? Fry: Alcohol fuels my power cells. And as a mighty robot, I- Beep. Roberto: Thanks for helping me escape, Bender. Bender: Oh, it was nothing. Roberto: It was not nothing! I wanna repay you. Let me get you something in here. Roberto: Hands up! This is a stick-up again! Bender: Wow! Hitting the same place three times? I admire your style, Roberto. Roberto: Gimme the remaining dough. And the calendars ... and that pen. Try to tear it so most of the beads are on my end! Url: Police! You're busted! Smitty: And don't try anything. This glass here is laser-proof. Fire lasers! Duck! Lasers! Bender: Come on! I got a place where I like to hide after crimes. Amy: Aw! He looks like a little insane drunken angel. Bender: Hey, everybody. Meet my good pal, Roberto. Hermes: Hey, mon. Roberto: Nice to meet you. Smitty: Come out with your hands up. Roberto: Hostages! Roberto: Back off! I got hostages! Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm helping! Smitty: Do you have any better hostages? Roberto: To show them who's crazy, I'm gonna execute some of you. How 'bout you? Farnsworth: Ouch! That's going to bleed when my heart beats. Leela: Wait! Take me first! Bender: Yes! Take her first. Roberto: Shut up! Stop telling me how to do this! Zoidberg: Oh, the fear! Roberto: I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. Guess it and you die first. Go! Bender: Um ... OK. Fifty ... six ... ish? Roberto: 56? 56? Oh, man! Now that's all I can think about! I'm gonna kill you, you ... no good ... 56-ing- Bender: Don't kill me yet! I'm starting to come down with Stockholm Syndrome ... handsome! Fry: Halt, fellow robot! Roberto: Hey, Red. You're just in time to join the hostage situation. Which side you wanna be on? Fry: The side that kicks your twisted, metal ass! Leela: Fry! Stay back. He's too powerful. Fry: Negative, bossy meat creature. I know now what my primary function is I am a battle-droid. Sworn to protect the weak from crazy robots. Roberto: I'm not crazy! Don't call me crazy! I'm just not user-friendly! Hermes: Fry! Don't be a hero! It's not covered by the health plan! Roberto: Let's see how much of a robot you really are! Fry: No knife can penetrate my skin-tanium armour. Roberto: Help! Help! He is a battle-droid! Somebody help me! Mommy! I'm sorry I spilled the transmission fluid, Mommy! No! No! Don't weld me to the wall, Mommy! Smitty: We're willing to listen to your demands. Url: Hey, baby. Wash that off before you put it back. Hermes: Who's brave now? Amy: Hooray! Zoidberg: Bravo! Leela: You did it, Fry. Bender: Congratulations, buddy. You're a credit to my race. Fry: It was nothing. I- Blood? Robots don't have blood. I must be a, a- Zoidberg: A squid? Fry: A human! Oh, my God! I'm a human! Zoidberg: Also good. Leela: Thanks for saving us, Fry. Fry: I'm gonna continue never washing this cheek again. Bender: Buddy, you may be wrapped in greasy skin, but inside, you've got the heart of a robot. Fry: Aw. Thanks, Bender. Bender: Just like inside me, I've got the heart of a human. What? Bender: What?

Bender: Ah, beer! So many choices, and it makes so little difference. Fry: How 'bout Löbrau? It has dots on it. Bender: Overruled. The choice of champions is Pabst Blue Robot! Fry: I can't drink that! The metal shavings make my throat bloody. Bender: Baby wants a Zima! Leela: Hey, hey! We can all fight when we're drunk. Now, listen, why don't we just brew our own beer? Bender: You can brew your own beer? Leela: Sure. The kids at the orphanarium used to do it all the time. Hermes: Cursed bacteria of Liberia. My own son, suspended from boarding school. Dwight: It's not my fault, Dad. Farnsworth: And you, Cubert! I cloned you from one of my warts and I can send you straight back in there. Cubert: Nuh-uh! Zoidberg: What's going on? Is this angry yelling or busted-hearing-aid yelling? Hermes: I'm afraid it's both. Farnsworth: What? Labarbara: Now hold on. Everyone, cool your daiquiris! Let's give the little vermin a chance to explain themselves. Dwight: It was self defence, Mom. Just look at this letter the principal sent. We were in science class and we had just finished building a miniature black hole. Cubert: That was easy. Bret: Pretty scrawny black hole. It must be hungry. Cubert: Duh! Black holes don't need food. Bret: Neither do nerds! Dwight: My Manwich! Cubert: That's it, Bret. You've compressed our lunches to a singularity for the last time! Salt him, Dwight! Bret: When I re-solidify, I'm gonna put you in a world of goop! Cubert: See? That bully started it. We couldn't fight back with brawn so we used our brains! Farnsworth: I've warned you not to use those things! Leela: Let's see. We've got our malt, our hops. We just need a big disposable tub to mix it in. Bender: Yo! Leela: Now it needs to boil for a couple hours. Hermes: Dwight, you remember the crew. Dwight: Eh. Farnsworth: Crew, you remember Cubert? Wonderful! Then I'm sure you won't mind being their legal guardians for a month! Cubert: Well, well. If it isn't my old friend, stretch pants ... ... no pants and ... ... idiot! Bender: We're making beer. I'm the brewery. Dwight: I heard alcohol makes you stupid. Fry: No I'm ... doesn't. Leela: Actually, Dwight, you're right. Alcohol is very, very bad ... for children. But once you turn 21 it becomes very, very good. So scram! Dwight: Aw, man! Cubert: I'm sick of this. Cubert: Hey, Dad. What useless contraption are you half-baking today? Farnsworth: Eh, wha? Oh! This is my latest invention; a device that lets anyone sound exactly like me! Cubert: Good news, everyone! I'm a horse's butt! Farnsworth: I am? That's not good news at all, you little- Dwight: What's this devices marketability? Who's the target consumer? Farnsworth: There is no target consumer! Only targets. Targets that will tremble in fear as their new master hands down edicts in my glorious, booming voice! Now quit pestering me, you scoundrels! Hermes: Stamp it, file it. Oh, yeah! Send it overnight! Dwight: Can I collate that? Hermes: No! Cubert: Can I shred these contracts? Hermes: No! Dwight: Wow! A power-stamper! Hermes: Now look at all the work I gotta do! Ow! Leela: Mmm. The ingredients are cooked. And they've picked up some of your natural robot flavourings. Time to add the yeast. Bender: Yeast? You mean I'll have a lifeform growing inside me? It's so beautiful. Leela: Talk to me. Farnsworth: This is Professor Farnsworth. I have an important delivery for you and your dumb crew. You must deliver a pizza to Dogdoo 8, a planet at the edge of the universe. Cubert: Sorry I can't come down to say goodbye, but I'm busy inventing useless junk. Dwight: And I smell bad. Cubert: Hey! Leela: If you were my kids, you'd get quite a talking to ... from your father ... when he got home from the Senate. Farnsworth: Oh, bother! What have they done now? Bender: Those pork dumplings sent us on a fake pizza delivery. Fry: The address was on Dogdoo 8 but the universe ends right after Dogdoo 7. Hermes: Child man, is this true? Dwight: Yeah, but why are you mad at us? Your dummy brigade wasted a week on an obviously fake mission. Cubert: Plus, they're making bootleg beer inside company property! Bender: Lies! Lies and slander! Farnsworth: Accusing gentle Bender of a misdeed? That's the last straw! You boys have been underfoot long enough! Hermes: You jerked the words right outta my mouth. We're their fathers and it's high times we acted like it. Bender: Ooh-hoo! Here comes violence! Hermes: Get a job, you lazy kids! Bender: I guess if you want children beaten ... ... you have to do it yourself. Cubert: Come on, Dad, shuffle faster! Dwight: You don't wanna miss the unveiling of our new company, do you? Hermes: Company? How cute! What will you be pedalling? Lemonade? Shoe shines? Cootie insurance? Farnsworth: Perhaps they've constructed a teddy bear hospital! Cubert: Actually, we're starting a competing delivery company. Hermes: Welcome to the world of business! Farnsworth: Who's going to use a delivery service with a kicked sign? Nobody, that's who! Dwight: But we already have a client signed up. We're delivering the Daily Supernova. Hermes: So your delivery company is just a cute, harmless paper route? Farnsworth: Phew! Dwight: No! It's a serious business. Farnsworth: Yes it's a tremendous responsibility, alright! What if a paper were to land in a puddle? Hermes: Civilisation as we know it might get splashed! Dwight: Why do they always treat us like dumb kids? We're practically old enough to find the Fox Network infantile! Cubert: We'll show 'em. All Awesome Express needs is a sturdy interstellar delivery craft. Voilà! You got a quarter? Dwight: Man, the ad said to allow four to six seconds for delivery. Cubert: More like seven! Bender: I'm really starting to swell up with beer. I must look ridiculous. Fry: No, you have a healthy glow. Bender: Oh, my God! I just felt it ferment! Leela: Ooh! Let me feel. Have you thought about what to name it? Bender: I was thinking "Benderbrau" if it's an ale, "Botweiser" if it's a lager. Fry: I hope it's a lager so I can take it to a ball game. Ooh, I felt that one! Cubert: Uh, there's a crack in the hull here. That could cause explosive decompression. Dwight: Put a sticker on it. Hermes: Off on your first delivery, eh? You be careful, my little tinkler. Remember we used to call you that, huh? Tinkler? Sal: Gets movin'! Those newspapers won'ts deliver themselveses! Only the Sunday edition can dos that. Farnsworth: Goodness, there must be 50 papers in that bundle! That's a big number, 50. Cubert: Yeah, if you're an idiot! Dwight: Three, two, one. Cubert: All systems go. Dwight: Blast-off! Hermes: See you at din-din! Farnsworth: I'm blowing you a kiss. Cubert: Take evasive action! Farnsworth: It's closing in! You can't avoid it! It's a cheek-seeker. And ... gotcha! Cubert: Nooo! Hermes: Business is down, so I filed papers to have you all reclassified as slaves. Farnsworth: Well, well. If it isn't our little munchkin moguls! Hermes: What's the trouble, men? Need some penny rolls for your profits? Cubert: Actually, thanks to Dwight's brilliant accounting and my unaccountable brilliance ... ... our paper route now has over a million customers! Dwight: We're finally making more money than you guys! Aren't you impressed now, Pops? Aren'tcha? Aren'tcha? Hermes: Uh, in a small way, yes. But you still don't have your own building or conference table or ... or one of those things! Zoidberg: Hello! Dwight: Our dads are never impressed, no matter what we do. Cubert: Maybe we should start a fire. Dwight: If we really wanna impress them we'll have to crush them with strategy ... Dwight Lightning! Cubert: Very well. But I get to name the next strategy. Announcer: This week on The Real World The Sun. Man: I'm burning to death! Leela: You know how much an apartment that big would cost on the Sun? Hermes: People, as you know, our young sons have become great successes in the very same field as us. Bender: Alright! Fry: That's great! Leela: That's good! Hermes: Naturally, we're humiliated. Farnsworth: That's why we need you, our loyal crew, to make Planet Express 800% more profitable. Hermes: We'll start by slashing salaries, and this time I mean really slashing. Leela: Uh, guys, I don't know how to tell you this, so I'll just let Fry blurt it out thoughtlessly. Fry: We don't work for you anymore! Farnsworth: What? Leela: Dwight and Cubert made us a better offer. We're paperboys now. Cubert: Incoming! We got papers to stuff, team! Hup two, hup two! Fry: Yes, sir. Bender: Right away! Leela: We're on it, Mr. Farnsworth. Farnsworth: Folks, the situation is grim but we shall prevail, thanks to you, our crack team of loyal dregs! Hermes: I don't even know who this guy is! Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor. Farnsworth: Yes, of course you are. Now we've got to buckle down and save Planet Express. Scruffy: I'm on break. Cubert: Sorry to interrupt this whirlwind of activity but we have an announcement. Dwight: I direct your attention to these forms, which I'm presently engaged in handing to you. Hermes: Sweet guinea pig of Winnipeg! They've taken over our company! Farnsworth: Balderdash! I never agreed to that! Dwight: No. But you did declare yourself dead three years ago as a tax dodge. Farnsworth: Tax dodge, nothing! You take one nap in a ditch at the park and they start declaring you this and that. Cubert: Either way, I technically inherit your building and your spaceship, which means Planet Express is now ... ... Awesome Express! Hermes: You rotten kids! Will you be hiring? Dwight: No. Hermes: You rotten kids! Fry: There. One million papers, folded and loaded! Cubert: Hey, Leela, help me apply these flame decals I got in my cereal. They'll make the ship go faster. Leela: And what's your scientific basis for thinking that? Cubert: I'm 12. Farnsworth: Oh, did I ever tell you how I used to own that ship? Zoidberg: There but for the grace of God. Bender: Hush, little brewski, Don't you leak, Daddy wants to drink for at least a week. Fry: Hurry, Leela! Get some coasters and cold mugs. Fry: Push, Bender, push! Leela: You're doing great! Bender: It feels like I'm trying to push a water bed outta me. Fry: Almost there. Just two more bottles. Bender: Is it OK? I can't hear anything. Fry: It's an ale! Five gallons, six ounces! Dwight: Hey, what's goin' on? This is a delivery company not a delivery room! Cubert: We just busted our bums delivering a million papers and this is how you greet us, with a bunch of frosty, cold beers? Fry: Hey, wait a second. How did you deliver a million papers in one hour? Cubert: Uh ... we just did, OK? 'Cause we're awesome! Yeah! Awesome. Dwight: Yeah, awesome! Leela: Hello, Awesome Express; the rude, crude delivery dudes. How may I direct your call? What's that? You haven't gotten your paper? In how long? Farnsworth: Uh, might a homeless old man have a touch more beef bourguignon? And another tequila slammer? Please? Labarbara: Don't you sweet talk me, you wrinkly, old tube sack! Hermes: Might I have one too, wife? Labarbara: Oh, you're both pathetic, being jealous of your own offspring. Now you should be happy they became successes, instead of following in your foot stamps. Hermes: Oh, it's true. But they grow up so fast. We just wanted a few more years of being better than them. Farnsworth: They're so stinking talented, they don't even need their fathers anymore. Cubert: Dad! We screwed up! Farnsworth: You did? Tough luck, suckers! Dwight: Please, help us, Pops. We agreed to deliver way more papers than we can handle. Cubert: But we couldn't handle them, so we started dumping the extras in a crater on the Moon. Dwight: And now everyone's yelling at us about our missing papers! Cubert: And we don't know what to do! Farnsworth: Why did you boys do all this? Dwight: We just wanted you to be proud of us. Hermes: Proud of you? You ruined us with sleazy business practices and a complete disregard for human decency. Of course we're proud of you! Farnsworth: Damn right we are! Now come on, let's go do a little father-son weaselling out of this. Farnsworth: Good thing I had this net installed for catching giraffes. Hermes: OK, boys, let me show you how a paper man does it. Little Prince: Au revoir! Dwight: Can I use the gun, Dad? Hermes: Aw, what kind of father would I be if I said no? Dwight: Only one house to go. We did it! Run away! That bully, Bret Blob, lives there! Cubert: He's ugly mean stupid stink mucus! And last week we sort of ... broke his window. Hermes: Alright, alright. What do we do when we break somebody's window? Dwight: Pay for it? Hermes: Oh, heavens, no! We apologise, with nice, cheap words! Bret: I thought I heard the doorbell but I see it was the dorkbell! Dwight: Man, you're funny. Good one, Bret. Farnsworth: Now, now, no need to give us the business. We'd like a word with you daddy. Bret: Whatever. Dad! Hermes: Don't worry, boys. I'm sure his father is a perfectly normal, reasonable man. Horrible Gelatinous Blob: What the hell do you want? Farnsworth: Mr. Blob, our sons have come to apologise for damaging your window. They've learned their lesson and they want to make amends. Cubert: Sorry, sir. Dwight: Yeah, sorry. Horrible Gelatinous Blob: You can shove your apology into the bottom of your one-way digestive system. Farnsworth: Now see here. We assured our sons that you'd accept their apology. Horrible Gelatinous Blob: Aww. Tell you what, I'll accept their apology when they kiss my ass! Which I don't have! Farnsworth: No one gives my boy that option! Hermes: Bring it on, Jello-pop! Cubert: Yeah, get him, Dad! Dwight: Show 'em who's boss! Get 'em ... Pops! Cubert: Right. Cubert: That was incredible! You are the bravest dads in the entire trauma centre! Dwight: You guys almost had him ... until he digested you. Hermes: Oh, you're good kids. If I could feel anything right now, it would be pride. I was wrong! I can still feel pain! Farnsworth: He's come to finish the job! Someone toss me out the window! Horrible Gelatinous Blob: No, no, wait. I-I feel terrible about what happened. I-I've just been under a lot of stress lately down at the plant, y'know. They're-They're bringing in computers to "improve productivity" and, well, that's no excuse for how I acted. But the boy needs to see that real men solve their disagreements with words, not violence, so, uh, if you'll accept my apology, well, I hope we can put this embarrassing incident behind us. Farnsworth: I suppose. Bender: Hey, chumps, I heard you were on the ass-end of an ass-kicking so I figured you could use a couple these little babies. Hermes: Oh, why not? Might as well live it up as long as I've got this catheter in me! Farnsworth: Won't you join us, Mr. Blob? Horrible Gelatinous Blob: Sounds like a plan! Hermes: This is what makes life worth clinging to; three fathers enjoying a day out with their sons. Farnsworth: It would seem we've taught our boys a lesson about life Man or Blob, it's what's inside that counts.

Bender: Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride, uh-huh, uh-huh Well, Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride, Blah, blah, blah, something, Bender is great! Froggy went a-courtin' and Bender is great, uh-huh- Fry: Oh, my God! They dug up a bag of olestra chips from my time! There must be layers and layers of old stuff down there. Bender: What's that? One of those Led Zeppelins I've heard so much about? Fry: No, it's an old Volkswagen van. Hey, Mister? Mind if I take this old van? Sal: Sure. You wanna dump the corpses out of theres, it's yourses. Fry: Yeah, yeah, I've gotten used cars before. Leela: What's that? One of those Jefferson Starships I've heard so much about? Fry: It's called a van, and in light of the fact that it's not a-rockin', I invite you to come a-knockin'! Amy: Wow, neat. Hermes: It's a triumph of free-spirited German engineering. Amy: Hey, the speedometer only goes up to 80. This thing can't go faster than 80,000 miles an hour? Fry: No, it can't, but it's got a driver's-side floor and an 8-track player with genuine mono sound. Farnsworth: Where's the device that lets you speed or slow the passage of time? Fry: Under the seat. Leela: Why won't it start? Fry: It just needs some gas. Farnsworth: Wrong again, idiot. There is no gas. Petroleum reserves ran dry in 2038. Leela: Gas was an environmental disaster, anyway. Now we use alternative fuels. Fry: Like what? Leela: Whale oil. Bender, lift it up to the can opener. Bender: Oh, no! I'm not going near it. Last time, that magnetic psycho nearly cut my head off. Fry: Oh, right. Plus, the magnet screws up your inhibition unit and makes you sing folk songs. Bender: What? Who said anything about me secretly wanting to be a folk singer? How ridiculous. Fry: Bender, if you don't open that can right now, your fear will own you, and nothing that can opener could ever do would be worse than that. Bender: OK, OK, I can do this. It's time to take life by the cans. Leela: Come on! Hermes: You can do it! Amy: Bender! Farnsworth: Go on, you dummy. Bender: Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care, Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care, Fry: Oh, no! Bender: Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care, Cause the master's gone away. Zoidberg: It's toe-tapping-ly tragic. Bender: Doc, I can't move my arms and legs. What's wrong with me? Doctor: This is the worst part of the job. Bender: What is it, good news? Doctor: Bender, your hydraulics are shot. You'll never move again. Bender: You mean- Doctor: I'm sorry, you'll have to get a new one. Fry: Oh, no! This is terrible. Zoidberg: Poor Bender. Farnsworth: Well, let's drag him to the kerb. Fry: Wait a minute, Bender is my best friend. We can't just dump him in the gutter like Grandma's ashes. Bender: Oh, my life is over. I'll never know happiness again. Robot: Ho, ho! Hello there! Leela: Look, Bender! It's Patch Cord Adams. He heals with the power of laughter. Patch Cord Adams: Come on, take it. What's the matter, can't move your arms? Bender: Obviously not, or I'd be strangling you right now. Patch Cord Adams: Hey, here's a giggle! Did you hear why they're using Windows 3000 as a prison guard? Fry: No, why? Patch Cord Adams: 'Cause it always locks up. Bender: For the love of God, somebody kick his ass! Patch Cord Adams: Well, so long. Get well soon. Oh, well, so long anyway. Bender: Oh, I'm doomed. Everybody leave me alone. I don't wanna be seen this way. Fry: Aw, you look so sad. You want me to send Patch Cord Adams back in? Bender: Hey, the blues. The tragic sound of other people's suffering. That's kind of a pick-me-up. Wow, that was great. Beck: Hey, thanks. You a fan? Bender: I dunno. Let me see. Oh, my God, you're Beck! I'd get up to shake your hand and steal your wallet but my crappy body crapped out on me. Beck: Don't take it so hard. I used to miss my body too but then I fished this mannequin out of the 92c Store dumpster. Bender: Wow. We've sure got a lot in common, Beck. I always dreamed of being a musician-poet who transcends genres even as he re-invents them, just like you. Beck: So do it, robot. It's easier than it looks. Bender: Eh, thanks, but it's hopeless. I'll never be a musician now. Beck: Or maybe you'll be the best musician ever. Bender: What's this for? Beck: Try and scrape it across your chest like a knife on burnt toast. Come on, move those arms. Use the power of mental thinking. Make it dynamic. Yeah-ee! Alright, congratulations, my friend. Bender: Why? 'Cause I can make annoying noises? Beck: Exactly. I use those all the time in my music. Bender, I want you to become my new washboard player. Bender: Alright! Go Bender! Go Bender! Go Bender! Bender: Well, that's my good friend, Beck. I'm off to rock a series of mid-level venues. Hermes: Kudos, Bender. You got mangled and now you're a singer. Both our dreams came true. Fry: Hey, I have an idea. Who wants to cram in my van and follow Bender on tour and live there, in the van? Zoidberg: Oh, I don't know, Fry. I think I'm too poor to follow a band around in a van. Beck: Come on, move it! We gotta get to the concert and make the audience wait for it at the start. Zoidberg: Bad news, friends. My shell ran. Amy: Zoidberg, you idiot, my outfit. It's, it's- Leela: Kinda cool. Fry: Yeah, I like it. Amy: Me too, now that I'm used to it. Zoidberg: Then it was all on purpose! You're lucky to have Zoidberg as a friend. But cross me, and I'll turn on you like that! Beck: There's a destination a little up the road, From the habitations and the towns we know, A place we saw the lights turn low, The jigsaw jazz and the get-fresh glow, Pullin' out jives and jamboree handouts, Two turntables and a microphone, Bottles and cans just clap your hands, Just clap your hands. All: Where it's at! Bender: Got a washboard stomach and a microphone. Beck: That was a washboard break. Fry: Oh, yeah! Amy: Yeah! One bowl of Jell-O knuckles, please. Barman: That'll be three pick-e-tures of George Washington. Amy: Oh, no! My beautiful money. Leela: It got ruined in the wash. Fry: Mine too, even my change. Barman: Get lost, you money-less hippies! Horrible Gelatinous Hick: You heard him, freaks. We don't like your type around here. These are the types we like. Beck: Bender, that was the best 40-minute washboard solo I've ever heard. And the parts when I was awake blew my mind. Bender: Whoa, check out all those broken robots. Howdy, fellas! Robot #1: I don't believe my broken eyes! It's Bender, the washboard player! Hey, man, we caught your concert from here. Robot #2: You rock! Fembot: Oh, oh, Bender! Sign my chest! It's in that bin behind me. Robot #3: Yo, brother, thanks for showing that broken robots are still useful. Bender: Aw, hang in there, folks. I'll bet before you know it, you guys'll be- That is so wrong. They can't just melt down broken robots. Not right when they're kissing my ass. Beck: Whoa, dog. Just cold chill. You know, when I'm upset, I write a song about it. Like when I wrote Devil's Haircut, I was feeling really- What's that song about? Bender: Hey, yeah, I could write a song! With real words, not phoney ones like "odelay". Beck: "Odelay" is a word. Just look it up in the Becktionary. Bender: Ooh! Bender: I'm working on my song. Hand me the Becktionary. No, no, the rhyming Becktionary. Beck: I wish I could help raise awareness about broken robots. But what can I do? I only weigh eight pounds. Bender: Wait a minute, you know lots of rock stars, and most of them like to look like they care about things! Beck: We can all get together for a big benefit concert in San Francisco! Bender: And we could call it "Bend-Aid", after me, Bender! Beck: And you can sing that song you're writing! Bender: And I'll let you sing backup! But remember who the star is. Me Bender. Bender: Alright. "Hands in the air" rhymes with "Just don't care" and ... finished! Eck! Smells like something died in the wall! Fry: Surprise! Leela: Mind if we crash here tonight? The colours in the van are keeping us awake. Bender: Alright, but hands off the minibar. Fry: Wow, I forgot about TV. Living free on the road, you realise how much better life is without it. Well, let's see what's on. Announcer #1: Tuesday, Golden Gate Park, the monsters of vaguely-folkish alterna-rock will strum your brains out at Bend-Aid! Featuring Beck, Wailing Fungus and special guest, Bender! Announcer #2: A portion of the proceeds might go to help broken robots. Fry: Yeah! Zoidberg: Hooray, robot! Amy: Bender, you're famous! Bender: Yeah. Leela: This coming-together of superstars really means a lot to you, doesn't it, Bender? Bender: Uh-huh. Helping my defective brothers is the first thing I've ever cared about, even the slightest bit. You know, when I first got broken, I thought my life was over. But look at me now I've got fame, money, groupies, and it's all thanks to being completely immobilised. That's why I'll be proud to go up on stage tomorrow and say, "Look at me, world, I am a broken robot!". Fry: Bender, you can move! You're cured! Bender: Oh, crap! It's a miracle! Bender: I can move again. My music career is over. Fry: Bender, I don't claim to understand "the biz" but wouldn't being able to move help your music career? Bender: No, don't you see? I was a hero to broken robots 'cause I was one of them. But how can I sing about being damaged if I'm not? That's like Christina Aguilera singing in Spanish. Wait, that's it! I'll fake it! Amy: You'd better not do that at the concert. Zoidberg: I can't stop. When I eat too much dirt, I get stuff in my throat. Amy: You are so disgusting, I- Leela: They're beautiful. Zoidberg: Ew, you're touching them! Amy: I've never seen pearls like this. Dr. Zoidberg, you're amazing. Zoidberg: I am? At last! Recognition! Emcee: Gentle hippies, put your filthy hands together for the folk stylings of Cylon and Garfunkel! Garfunkel: Here's a song that was beautiful when performed by my ancestor, Art. (singing) Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Cylon: and Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. Garfunkel: Remember me to one who loves there. Cylon: and She once was a true love of mine. Leela: We're home. Amy: Well, let's earn some bread. Fry: Brothers and sisters, get your love beads. Can't journey to the centre of your mind without love beads! Hippie #1: Wow, look at the colours. These'll go great with my soul. Zoidberg: Glad you like them. I've been making fine jewellery for years, apparently. Hippie #2: I'll take three. Hippie #3: Give me one, man! Hippie #4: I'll trade you a bad poem! Emcee: And now, stand up and turn on your hidden tape recorders for ... Beck! With special guest, Bender, the broken robot. Fry: Bender rules! Hippie #5: Groove on, man! Leela: Rock it, Bender! Zoidberg: Play that thing! Beck: Can't you hear those cavalry drums, Hijacking your equilibrium... Bender: Whoa-oh, yeah! Beck: ...Midnight hags in the mausoleum, Beck: Thank you. That song doesn't usually last three hours, but we got into a serious thing ... and then I forgot how it ended. Anyway, one last item of business before we go. Garfunkel: Bender, to start your foundation for broken robots, here's a big, cardboard cheque for $14,000. Cylon: It's been an emotional day for me. Bender: I don't know what to say. Beck: Then maybe you should sing it. Lay it down, boys. Bender: Ladies, gentlemen, smoking heaps of machinery ... ... this is a song called My Broken Friend. (singing) People say my broken friend is useless, But I say his mind is free, There's lots of things my mangled robot friend could be, Beck: Kick it! Bender: He could make a good... Bender: and ...hat-rack Beck: He only has to stand there, Bender: Or a cheap... Bender: and ...doorstop, Beck: He doesn't need to move Bender: Or a great big... Bender: and ...giant Thermos, Bender: With a twist-off top, Beck: That would be good for soup, Bender: He could be a storage closet... Bender: and ...for outdated pants, Beck: I like 'em tight! Bender: My broken friend could do it all, Bender: and Just give him a chance! Bender: That robot has a tragic secret, That I'd like to share... Beck: For real? Bender: ...My broken friend is closer to me, Than an ass to a chair... Beck: Hm. Bender: ...That robot's name I never told you... Beck: Who's that? Bender: ...You could not foresee... Beck: C'mon, give it up. Bender: ...I'll say it loud and sing it proud... Bender: and His name is you and me. Bender: Don't melt me down into a crowbar, Beck: It suffers alone, Bender: Just 'cause I can't move my arms and legs, Beck: Hey. Bender: Or toss me into a trash can... Beck: Bender, what are you doing? Bender: ...Just 'cause I can't cook you ham and eggs... Beck: What are you doing? Bender: ...Don't crush me into an anchor... Beck: Yo! What's the dealy-o? Bender: ...Just 'cause I can't jump and dance and sing... Beck: Hold it! What? No! Bender: ...I'm telling you, my broken friend... Beck: B-Bender. Bender: ...Put your hands in the air like you just don't care! Beck: No! Bender: I'm telling you, my broken friend... Beck: Cut it! Bender: ...Can do 'most anything! Beck: Cut it! Bender: Yeah! Beck: Cut it! Bender: Curse my natural showmanship! Robot #4: You big, fat fraud! You're not really broken! Robot #5: But you will be in a minute! Bum-rush the stage! Robot #6: Get him! Hippie #6: Oh, harsh! I didn't get my beads. Beck: You, minion, lift up my arm. After him! Bender: Well, everyone, prepare to get your guts kicked out by folk singers. Caterpillar Alien: What is this? The Year of the Jerk? Fry: Hurry! The Golden Gate Bridge! Put the metal to the pedal to the other metal. Bender: Oh, no! I forgot this is a hoverbridge. Leela: And I forgot this isn't a hovercar. Fry: Is any of that a problem? Zoidberg: Not if you've lived a life without regret. Bender: I'll save me! Leela: Quick, grab his footcups. Bender: Hey? What? No. Fry: Phew! Leela: Bummer. Bender: Someone fat get in my way! I'm broken again. I can't move any part of me. Beck: Good. Bender: I'm really sorry I lied, Beck. All I ever wanted was to make music with you. I never meant to hurt anyone, or help anyone. Beck: Bender, that's some played-out, new-jack, horse crap- But I know you don't mean it so apology accepted. Bender: So, I can, uh, keep the cheque? Garfunkel: Over my dead career! Bender: Well, it was worth a shot. Fry: C'mon, Bender. If you're done scamming Beck, we're heading home. Bender: Alright, alright. Let me just do one thing to cheer myself up. Fry cracked corn, And I don't care, Leela cracked corn, I still don't care, Bender cracked corn, And he is great! Take that, you stupid corn!

Hermes: Go get it, boy! Fry: So, Leela, how about a romantic ride in one of those swan boats? They're kinda dangerous but I finally mastered them. Leela: Those aren't swan boats, they're swans. Fry: Oh. That explains these boat eggs. Farnsworth: Wha? Tate: Pitiful ballplayers of Earth, I am Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate, commander of the Harlem Globetrotters. For generations, your puny planet has lived in peace with the Globetrotter Homeworld. But now, for no reason, we challenge you to defend your honour on the basketball court. Will no one meet our challenge? Have none of you pathetic Earthlings game? Fry: What happens if we lose? Tate: Nothing. There's nothing at stake and no threat, beyond the shame of defeat! Farnsworth: This will not stand! I'll take you on, you air-balling bozos. Tate: You, old man? Sweet Clyde, laugh derisively at him. Farnsworth: I may be an old man. In fact, I'm fairly sure I am. But I'll put you Globetrotters in your place with my team of mutant atomic supermen! Hermes: Hooray, Professor! Farnsworth: Behold My mutant atomic supermen. Leela: They're only a foot high, Professor. Farnsworth: Well, they're still young. Mere atomic super boys, really. We'll need to speed up their growth with time particles called Chronitons. Bender: Aren't those the particles that destroyed an entire civilisa- Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! You're off to the Tempus Nebula to gather Chronitons. Fry: Hey, Leela, look at me! Leela: Your face can take a lot of punishment. That's good to know. Fry: There's a lot about my face you don't know! Perhaps you and it could get better acquainted over dinner. Leela: Alright! Cool your jets, hotshot. Fry: C'mon, Leela, why won't you go out with me? We both know there's something there. Leela: No, I mean cool your jets. They're melting Bender's face. Bender: Ow! Oh, my God! Ow! Leela: Here you go. Hot off the nebula. Farnsworth: None too soon. While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference to announce that I was a jive sucker. Behold! My invincible nuclear mutants. Amy: Hi! Arachneon: Hello! Albert: Marv Albert here at Madison Cube Garden where the Harlem Globetrotters take on a squad of atomic supermen in what promises to be a by-the-numbers athletic contest with no surprises whatsoever. Here's the tip-off. Globetrotter ball. Sweet Clyde Dixon to Bubblegum Tate. Drives down-court- And Curly Joe from the rear. Zoidberg: That one grabbed his behindus! Leela: Sh! Hermes: Quiet! Tate: Who dares laugh at the Jesters of Dunk? We came to terrify and humiliate you, not tickle your funnybones. Watch as I embarrass your civilisation by passing the ball to Curly Joe. Only to have it remain in my hands with elastic. And perhaps this will wipe the smiles from your faces. Albert: Goosh goes up. Rejected! Grotrian from half-court. Yes! Albert: Supermen lead 45-42. Arachneon with the steal, to Thorias. Thorias from downtown! Yes! He's really showing us what a man with a cannon in his chest can do! Farnsworth: No showboarding, you atomic hotdog! Albert: And that's the half, with the Supermen up 48-42. Surprisingly dull, so far. Bubblegum, the Trotters are down by six. Reactions? Tate: It was always our plan to trail at the half, thus deepening Earth's eventual humiliation. Also, what game were the refs watching? Albert: Curly Joe, easily amused by his own antics ... ... continues to wreak havoc on- Farnsworth: What the- Did everything just jump around, or did my brain just stroke off there for a second? Albert: Ladies and gentlemen, something very strange has just happened in this basketball game between space clowns and atomic monsters. Farnsworth: Time-out! Time-out! Fry: What's happening? Farnsworth: We seem to be lurching forward randomly in time, like a needle skipping on a record player. Amy: What's causing it? Is it my outfit? Farnsworth: No. It must have something to do with those time particles I used to grow the Supermen. Time and space are ripping apart at the seams. Thorias: Oops! Farnsworth: Oh, great! Now, on top of everything, we need a new fifth man. Fry: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Put me in, Professor. I wanna show Leela my skills. Farnsworth: Hmm. Will said skills pay the bills? Fry: Who cares? We're 35 points ahead with two minutes left. What could possibly- Albert: Globetrotters win, 244-86. A dark day for humanity, folks. We have been beaten ... in basketball. Curly Joe: Yeah, that's how we do it! 'Sweet' Clyde: How's that? Tate: You are all fools of the highest calibre. Leela: I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed up. Now all the planets are gonna start cracking wise about our mamas. Hermes: I'm just glad my fat, ugly mama isn't alive to see this day. Farnsworth: Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes. We have bigger problems. This time disruption is extremely serious. Tate: Damn right, brother man. This chronological wang-dang-doodle could destroy the very matrix of reality. Farnsworth: Tate? What do you know about this? Tate: Not much, yet. But I am senior lecturer of physics at Globetrotter U. And I'd like to help you investigate. Farnsworth: You're that Bubblegum Tate? Tate: Well I sure ain't his grandma. Now look here, Prof. I think we got ourselves an excess of Chronitons in the subatomic interstices. Farnsworth: Yes, I see. Something involving that many big words could easily destabilise time itself. Fry: Is that a problem? Farnsworth: Indeed so. At this rate, by Tuesday it will be Thursday; by Wednesday, it will be August; and by Thursday, it will be the end of existence as we know it. Man: I'll have to ask you to clear out now. The circus need to set up for tomorrow's big- Linda: Time continues to skip forward randomly. Details at 11. Linda: This is the news at 11. The mysterious and unexplained- Linda: Turning to entertainment news, teen singer Wendy might just be the latest- Linda: -won three Grammys last night- Linda: -found dead in her bathtub. Farnsworth: Interesting. It's as if we behave normally during the time skips, but then we have no memory of it. Fry: You mean we just- Farnsworth: My, yes. Ooh, just like that. Any luck, Bubblegum? Tate: Not yet. Listen, I hope you don't mind if I dribble a little while I work. Farnsworth: Not if you'll grant me the same liberty. Bender: Ooh! Ooh! Bubblegum? My name's Bender and I'm a huge fan of your work, both on and off the court. Can I be a Globetrotter? Tate: Shut up, turkey. Farnsworth: Bubblegum, look at this. The background time radiation is fluctuating wildly. Tate: Good Lord! That sucker's shaking around like some fine, imported booty. Hermes: Say, I'm no physicist, but I think I know how to stop the skipping. We'll just- Hermes: I don't know how this was suppose to work. Amy: Professor, I hope you find out what's wrong before we skip right past my birth- All: -ppy birthday, Amy. Amy: Hooray! Look at all these presents! Zoidberg: I hope we all have as much tomorrow at my birth- Zoidberg: What? Fry: Psst! Leela. I've set up a time-proof shelter in the closet. There's only room for two, and you're the one I wanna share it with. Leela: Fry, that's so sweet. Let me see. Leela: How exactly will this protect us from time jumps? Fry: Because when we're together in here, baby, time will stand still. Fry: Ow! Zoidberg: Hmm. Hmm. Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, can I talk to you about Fry? Zoidberg: Leela, I would be honoured. Leela: -does the worst W.C. Fields imitation I've ever seen. Zoidberg! Zoidberg: Sorry, you must have been boring me. Leela: The thing is, Fry is very sweet, but he's so immature. I love his boyish charm but I hate his childishness. Zoidberg: So he's not perfect. You don't wanna end up old and lonely like Zoidberg! You were saying? Farnsworth: Ah, there is it. The Tempus Nebula. Take a whiff through the Smellescope. Tate: What's that funky jazz? Farnsworth: The odour of pure time leaking. When my crew removed the Chronitons, it destabilised the nebula, causing time skips throughout the universe. Bender: Ooh! Let Bubblegum tell it. Tate: Pretend these basketballs are time particles, my silver honky. As the nebula bounce-passes them off us ... ... they cause these dents, or "time skips". Bender: You are so smart! Tate: Hold up. What if we were to move this cluster of starts to these algebraic co-ordinates? Farnsworth: Their gravity might just divert the Chronitons to the empty side of the universe. Tate: Yeah. But is it possible? Moving stars would require one bad-ass gravity pump. And we'd need all the money on Earth to- Tate: What the- Farnsworth: Wha? Nixon: Here's the funding for your gravity pump. But it damn well better work! We can't spend all of Earth's money every day. Now, how long will it take to build? Tate: It won't be easy, Nixon. A jim-jam this complex might take months or even- Farnsworth: Ah, there we are. One gravity pump. Powerful enough to move the stars themselves. Now to begin the arduous task of attaching it to the ship so th- Farnsworth: Off you go, apparently. Tate: Easy, Leela. Just finger-roll that star to the cosmic basket. Leela: Just a few ... more ... hundred ... thousand ... miles. There! Tate: Nothing but nebula! Leela: We'll have to run some tests back on Earth, but I think we've stopped the time skips. Bender: Alright! Tate: Jamming! Fry: Hooray for Leela! Bender: And what better way to celebrate our success than by me showing Bubblegum the Globetrotter uniform I made myself! Tate: Let me see. Hello, lawsuit! Fry: Leela, I want you to know I think the way you moved those stars around was really wonderful. I got you something. Leela: Moderately-priced, domestic, non-vintage champagne? How did you know? Fry: You deserve it. I mean, nobody ever stops to tell you what a great captain you are. Leela: Aw! That is so true and sweet. Fry: You're smart, you're beautiful, and best of all, you'll go out with me-e? Leela: Fry, please try to understand You're a man, I'm a woman. We're just too different. Bender: Hey, Leela. Bubblegum might let me organise a bake sale for the Globetrotter wives. Can you teach me to make cupcakes? Leela: Alright, but I wanna lick the beaters. Fry: I got her champagne, I opened it. What does a guy have to do? Tate: 86 the chump stuff, F-man. It's time to win Leela's heart with a big-showy, three-point romantic gesture. Fry: Hmm. Maybe this is the moment to show her my real surprise. Leela: Fry, what are you doing? Tate: Uh-oh. Time to boogie on down to the sauna! Fry: Look. I've been studying how to pilot the ship. Impressed? Leela: Yeah, actually. You're doing OK. The core reactor temperature's nominal, the blinker's off. Fry: I learned how to work the gravity pump too. In case we need to move more stars. So, are we dating now? Leela: Is that what this is all about? Please, just cut it out now. Fry: Look, Leela. I know there's some perfect, amazing thing I can do to make you love me, and when I figure out what it is- Leela: Fry, stop. I don't wanna hurt you, but there is absolutely, positively no way that you and I will ever, ever- Preacherbot: -man and wife. You may kiss the bride. Albert: Yes! Zoidberg: He looks radiant! Farnsworth: Ye Gods, Bubblegum! We failed. The time skips haven't stopped at all. Tate: Even in these formal shorts, I feel like a failure. Leela: You tricked me into marrying you, didn't you? Fry: Of course not. Leela: How'd you do it? Drugs in the champagne? Hypnosis? Fry: No! Drugs are for losers and hypnosis is for losers with big, weird eyebrows. I don't know what amazing thing I did you make you love me but, whatever it was, we're married now. We've got the rest of our lives to work- Whitey: Divorce is final. Fry: What? Leela: Well, let's divide up the china. I guess I'll take the NFC helmets and you can have the AFC helmets. Fry: Fine. Break my heart again. Zoidberg: Don't be so hard on yourself, Fry. You lost the woman of your dreams but you still have Zoidberg. You all still have Zoidberg. Fry: How did I do it? How did I get Leela to love me? I've got to figure it out. Hermes: Maybe you're just a fantastic lover, Fry. Amy: Um, no. Fry: I don't know what I'm doing. Bender: Maybe she'd come back to you if your best friend Bender were a Globetrotter. What do you say, Bubblegum? Tate: Hell, no. Fry: Oh, it's hopeless. I did something so great that it won Leela's heart and I'll never, ever know what it was. My life is empty. Zoidberg: Zoidberg! Farnsworth: No wonder we failed to stop the time skips. Diverting Chronitons is mathematically impossible. I knew I should have checked your show-boating Globetrotter algebra. Tate: Man, I thought you knew that algebra was all razz-ma-tazz. A Globetrotter always saves the good algebra for the final minutes. Bender: Vintage Bubblegum! Farnsworth: The time skips are worse than ever now. Isolated spots are jumping by years at a time. Look. Boy: Stupid senior citizens. Why should we have to pay for their social security benefits? Old Man: I deserve free money! Farnsworth: Well, I'm stumped. We'll have to call in the finest scientific minds in the univ- Farnsworth: Perhaps we could explode the whole damned nebula. What do you think, Curly Joe? Curly Joe: No, man. An explosion big enough to destroy that mama would take out half the universe. Sweet Clyde: You gotta Globetrotter that explosion up a little, Farnsy. Make it an implosion. Farnsworth: By God, Sweet Clyde is right. An implosion might just form a black hole that would stop more Chronitons from escaping. Tate: Whoa. Slow that brain train down, Prof. We'd need some kind of doomsday device to initiate an implosion like that. Farnsworth: Doomsday device? Ah! Now the ball's in Farnsworth's court! I suppose I could part with one and still be feared. Tate: Give me some skin, Prof. I'm making you an honorary Globetrotter. In fact, everybody in this room's an honorary Globetrotter. Amy: Hooray! Hermes: Yes! Zoidberg: I'm a Globetrotter! Bender: Did you just say- Tate: Too late, hot plate. Bender: Oh, crap. Tate: We must leave now, for we are needed elsewhere. But we wish you Godspeed. Bender: Please, please let me come with you. I can make myself taller. Tate: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball. But look in your heart and ask yourself Are you funky enough to be a Globetrotter? Are you? Bender: Yes. Tate: Are you? Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could- Tate: Are you? Bender: No. Tate: Deal with it. Bender: Oh! No! Leela: Careful with that doomsday device, Bender. Bender: What does it matter? I'll never be a Globetrotter. My life, and, by extension, everyone else's, is meaningless. Leela: Roger. Fry: Leela, about the wedding. I don't know what I did to make you love me, and I don't think I tricked you into it, but maybe I did. And if I did, I'm sorry. Leela: It's OK, Fry. You know we'll always be friends, right? Fry: Yeah. But I don't guess anything I could do will ever make you feel the same way about me that I do about you. Leela: I guess not. Bender: Well, the doomsday device is ready. Maybe blasting this quadrant of space into a hell storm of flaming nothingness will cheer me up a little. Leela: OK. Let me just take the ship out to a safe distance. Actually, I think I'll go down and prep the detonator. Fry, why don't you take the helm? Fry: She's so great. I feel like I can almost remember the magical thing I did to make her love me. But I guess I never will. Bender: Sorry, buddy. I too know what it's like to have a dream I'll never achieve. Fry: Oh! That's how I must have done it! I moved the stars themselves to write her a love note in the sky. Leela: Detonation in three, two, one. Fry: No! Did you see it? Did you see it? Bender: The explosion? Fry: No, not the explosion! Leela: Then what? Fry: Nothing.

Narrator: You're entering a realm which is unusual. Maybe it's magic or contains some kind of monster. The second one. Prepare to enter ... The Scary Door. Please send a man round back and pick up Clyde Smith, a professional gambler who's about to have an unfortunate accident. Smith: A casino where I'm winning? That car musta killed me. I must be in heaven! A casino where I always win? That's boring. I must really be ... in hell! Sebastian Cabot: No, Mr. Smith. You're not in heaven or hell. You're on an aeroplane. Smith: There's a gremlin destroying the plane! You've gotta believe me! Sebastian Cabot: Why should I believe you? You're Hitler! Smith: No! Eva Braun! Help me! Bender: Saw it comin'! Fry: I just saw something incredibly cool A big, floating ball that lit up with every colour in the rainbow, plus some new ones that were so beautiful I fell to my knees and cried. Amy: Was it out in front of Discount Shoe Outlet? Fry: Yeah. Amy: They have a college kid wear that to attract customers. Fry: Well I don't care if it was some dork in a costume. For one brief moment I felt the heartbeat of creation, and it was one with my own. Amy: Big deal! Bender: We all feel like that all the time. You don't hear us gassin' on about it. Fry: How can you people be so blasé? Here you are in the year 3000 or so, yet you just sit around like it's the boring time I came from. Farnsworth: Boring? Wasn't that the period when they cracked the human genome and boy bands roamed the Earth? Fry: Yeah. But now it's the distant future. Why aren't we out doing everything I ever dreamed of? Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot? Farnsworth: No. Why would I know that? Leela: Let's take the rest of the morning off and take Fry to do everything he ever wanted to do. Fry: Everything? Leela: Except that. Sal: Sos your fantasies has always been to destroys a planet, huh? Fry: Yeah, what did they ever do for me? Leela: Wow! The most humdrum activities look almost exciting through your eyes. What should we do next? Fry: I wanna see the edge of the universe! Amy: Ooh! That sounds cool. Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe, but you never do these things till someone comes to visit. Farnsworth: There it is! The edge of the universe! Fry: Far out! So there's an infinite number of parallel universes? Farnsworth: No, just the two. Fry: Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough. Bender: I'm sick of parallel Bender lording his cowboy hat over me! Let's move on to Fry's next fantasy. Fry: Yee-haw! Bow before your master, puny mortals! Giddy-up! Girl: Mommy, why is that man like that? Mother: Don't look at him! Fry: That was fun. Let's give him a treat! Leela: Keep your palms flat. Fry: The tongue tickles. Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break 'em in tonight. Farnsworth: Yes, it's been quite an hour and a half. Fry: I've only got two fantasies left Be invisible in a chocolate factory and be romantically linked with a celebrity. Bender: I could pound your head till you think that's what happened. Fry: OK. Leela: Wait, hold on. It is actually possible to meet any celebrity you want. Fry: It is? Leela: Of course! You should read a blimp sometime. Fry: Download a celebrity from the Internet? What part of that do I understand? Leela: It's simple. You can download a celebrity's personality and appearance into a blank robot. Fry: Hey, I have an idea. Let's do that! Farnsworth: Onto the Internet you go! Bender: Oh, and while you're there, pick me up a few credit card numbers. Trekkie #1: No way! Kirk could kick Picard's ass! Trekkie #2: Yeah? At least Picard had the guts to admit he was bald! Trekkie #1: What? You take that back! Fry: Ooh! eBay! Auctioneer: Are there no further bids for this exquisite galaxy? Sold to The Being of Inconceivable Horror. The Being Of Inconceivable Horror: Will a money order be OK? Auctioneer: Yes. Fry: So where's the celebrity dating place? Leela: Let's search the web. Over there. Salesman: Welcome to Nappster. Let's see what celebrities we've got in stock. Can I interest you in Gwyneth Paltrow? Fry: Nah. I read in Newsweek that she drinks human blood. Salesman: Then, uh, how about Cleopatra, whose beauty destroyed mighty empires. Fry: I'd prefer someone from the era of shaved underarms. Do you have anything with more of a Lucy-Liu-feel to it? Salesman: Nah, nothing like that. Though we do have Lucy Liu. Only woman ever to be named People magazine's sexiest woman of the year twice. In 2003, and then again in 2063. Fry: I'd like the 2003 model. Fry: I've found her! What do I do now? Farnsworth: Download her. Let's just put a blank robot in the drive. Fry: It worked! Liubot: You're one sexy man, Philip J. Fry. Fry: It worked perfectly! Leela: Well, you downloaded Lucy Liu. Are you just going to stare vacantly at her and not say anything? Liubot: I find your slack-jawed stare very attractive, Philip J. Fry. Fry: Did you hear that? She likes me! Farnsworth: Well, duh! She's programmed to like you! Fry: But this is Lucy Liu! Perhaps the only good actress of the 21st century! She's more than just a piece of software. Liubot: Would you like to take a moment to register me? Fry: Uh, not right now. Liubot: I'll remind you later, you hot stud, you! Fry: So, uh, what do you feel like doing? Liubot: Would you like to take a moment to register me? Fry: I said later! Fry: Then when I feel so stuffed I can't eat anymore, I just use the restroom, and then I can eat more. Liubot: You should write a book, Fry. People need to know about the can eat more. Fry: Oh, Lucy! You're just like I always thought you'd be from your movies. Liubot: My personality is mathematically derived from my movies, proportionally weighted by box office receipts. Fry: You're cute! Liubot: You're cute! Fry: You! Liubot: You! Fry: You! Liubot: You! Fry: You! Farnsworth: Oh, dear! She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot. Well, that's love for you. Bender: Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I'm still single? It's 'cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans! Leela: Bender, this is Fry's decision ... and he made it wrong. So it's time for us to interfere in his life. Leela: She doesn't really love you. She can't. She's just a machine that- Bender: Stay away from our women! You got metal fever, boy! Metal fever! Fry: Well, so what if I love a robot? It's not hurting anybody. Hermes: My God! He never took middle school hygiene. He never saw the propaganda film. Farnsworth: It's just lucky I keep a copy in the VCR at all times. Narrator: Ordinary human dating. It's enjoyable and it serves an important purpose. But when a human dates an artificial mate, there is no purpose. Only enjoyment. And that leads to ... tragedy. Billy: Neat-o! A Marilyn Monroe-bot! Monroe-Bot: Ooh! You're a real dreamboat, Billy Everyteen. Narrator: Harmless fun? Let's see what happens next. Billy'S Mom: Billy, do you want to walk your dog? Billy: No thanks, Mom. I'd rather make out with my Monroe-bot. Billy'S Dad: Billy, do want to get a paper route and earn some extra cash? Billy: No thanks, Dad. I'd rather make out with my Monroe-bot. Mavis: Billy, do you want to come over tonight? We can make out together. Billy: Gee, Mavis, your house is across the street. That's an awfully long way to go for making out. Narrator: Did you notice what went wrong in that scene? Ordinarily, Billy would work hard to make money from his paper route. Then he'd use the money to buy dinner for Mavis, thus earning the slim chance to perform the reproductive act. But in a world where teens can date robots, why should he bother? Why should anyone bother? Let's take a look at Billy's planet a year later. Where are all the football stars? And where are the biochemists? They're trapped! Trapped in a soft, vice-like grip of robot lips. All civilisation was just an effort to impress the opposite sex ... and sometimes the same sex. Now, let's skip forward 80 years into the future. Where is Billy? Billy: Farewell! Narrator: The next day, Billy's planet was destroyed by aliens. Have you guessed the name of Billy's planet? It was Earth. Don't date robots! Announcer: Brought to you by the Space Pope. Leela: Did that make any impression on you, Fry? Fry? Liubot: Ooh! Farnsworth: I knew I should have shown him Electro Gonorrhoea The Noisy Killer. Bender: What is the world coming to? That Fry's a sicko poivert, I tell you. Dating a robot! It's an atrosmacy! Leela: But Fry's our friend, Bender. Bender: Aw, jeez, would you stifle there, meatbag? Leela: You stifle, Bender. Zoidberg: Hooray! Finally you're standing up to him. Leela: Although he is completely right. Bender: We've got to stem this tidal wave of moral decay. It's time to shut down nappster.com! Bender: Who's in charge of this dump? Jeff Jervis: That'd be me. If you're an investor you can dump your money in the hole there. Bender: Listen, you fat Internet nerd. Jeff Jervis: Listening. Bender: Your company promotes wrong love! If you don't shut down right now the only thing wired about you will be your jaw! Jeff Jervis: Y-You can't shut us down. The Internet is about the free exchange and sale of other people's ideas. We've done nothing wrong. Liu: Help! I'm being held prisoner! Zoidberg: Someone in trouble is! Jeff Jervis: No, stay out! There's a ... guy going for the Tetris world record in there! Kidman: Who are you? Cheech: Don't hurt us! Liu: Help me! They've been holding me prisoner for 800 years. Zoidberg: The real Lucy Liu! The one you can see a movie of in the popcorn stadium. Bender: So what's your problem? Liu: Those sweaty nerds are making illegal copies of us. It hurts! Jeff Jervis: Open this door! Don't make me call the maintenance guy. Bender: It's a bluff! Leela: We can't take that chance. Move, people, move! Michael: Please pick me up before you go-go. Leela: She asked first. Nerd: Um, are you Lucy Liu? Albright-Bot: Sure! Jeff Jervis: Oh, we're doomed. They got the head, they uncovered the sign! Soon the whole world will learn we're cyber-criminals. And we would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling adults. Man: We'll stop them. They like Lucy Liu, we'll give them all the Lucy Liu they can handle! Hand me that back-up disk. Zoidberg: Did you see me escaping? I was all like- Liu: Thanks for rescuing me. Especially you, Bender. Mmm. Quite a masculine piece of metal, aren't you? Bender: Hey! Don't look at me like that. If you're thinking of crossing the line with Bender, you can forget it. Bender don't bend that way. Leela: Hey, look. It's another Lucy Liubot. Liubot #2: I am Lucy Liu. Give me your spines. Zoidberg: Hey, what the- Liubot #2: Take this and that and one of these. Liu: Hey! Cut it out! I don't need this kind of publicity! Leela: Alright, Liu. Time to kick your frosty, well-toned ass! Yah! Bender: Then along came Bender. Zoidberg: Looks like you're retaining water. Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan before he got all doughy. Bender: Oh, shucks! I wasn't afraid of that robot. I'm pretty brave once you get past my macho exterior! It's an army of Lucy Lius! Liu: They're horrible! Liubots: Take this and that and one of these. Liubot #3: Robot crouching tiger. Liubot #4: Robot crane style! Zapp: Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes! Liubot #5: Hi-yah. Fry: This is the best movie I've ever seen. It has a vampire and an explosion! Liubot: It's amazing the way you notice two things. Alex: No, don't open that coffin! It's ticking! Natalie: I have to, Alex. That coffin's not going to open itself. Vampire: Bleurh! Liu: Let's hide in here. It'll add to my box office gross. Leela: Fry? Fry: Aw, you guys came to watch me make out! That is so sweet. Wait a minute! Is that the head of who I think it's of? Liu: Read the jar, Evelyn Wood! Dr. Z? Leela: Fry, a herd of Lucy Liu are destroying the city. Is yours acting normally? Fry: Let me see. Yep. Why do you ask? Alex: Mr. Mayor, if you want to see a real vampire, look in the mirror! Mayor: I can't! I'm a vampire! Zoidberg: Why? Leela: And Nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody. Fry: Quick! This way! Fry: Sorry, ladies. Employees only. Leela: Oh, no. They're forming a human pyramid ... of robots. Bender: Damnit! We weren't counting on them being as smart as they are sexy! Liu: A dangerous mistake to make. Zoidberg: At least we've got food. Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, cut open that bag! Zoidberg: Hooray! Leela: And don't eat it. Liubot #2: Ow! Liubot #3: System overload! Liubot #4: Error! Liubot #5: Does not compute. Zoidberg: Life was bad but now it's good forever! Bender: You'll be safe in here, sweetheart. Get lost, Pavarotti! Fry: Lucy Liubot, if I don't survive the corn, I want you to know that I love you as much as a man can love a computerised image of gorgeous celebrity. Which it turns out is a lot. Liubot: Oh, Fry, I love you more than the moon and the stars and the poetic image number 37 not found. Fry: What are you doing, darling? Get down! Liubot #3: Light hot. Oil temperature rising. Liubot #4: Oh, no. Liubot #5: Malfunction. Liubot #6: This ain't good. Liubot #7: System error. Fry: You saved us. Are you alright? Liubot: Yes, my love. I'll be just massive corn clog in port seven. Liu: Are you the last copy of me? Liubot: Yes. Liu: Erase her, Fry. Fry: What? No! Liu: Fry, when you downloaded her without my permission, you stole my image, and in the end that's all I really have. That and the largest gold nugget in the world, one mile in diameter. Fry: But I just downloaded her because I love you. Liu: If you love the real Lucy Liu and not just what you've seen in movies, genre-straddling lawyer shows and kiss-ass articles in People magazine, you'll blank out that robot. Fry: I'm sorry. Hug me, Liubot. Liubot: I'll always remember you, Fry- Memory deleted. Bender: I know it hurts, buddy. But at least you're not in a sick relationship with a robot anymore. Fry: Uh-huh. And I guess now maybe I can get to know the real Lucy Liu. Bender: Pft! Yeah, at our wedding! Liu: It's true. Bender and I are in love. Fry: But, but- Bender: Don't be a prude, Fry!

Leela: Oh, put down the binoculars, Fry. The wall of that strip club isn't going to collapse twice in one day. Fry: I know, and I've grown to accept that. Now I'm more interested in that new pizza parlour across the street. Kinda makes me pine for my days as a pizza delivery boy. "Here's you pizza," I'd say. "I didn't order any," they'd say. And then I'd be off to my next adventure. Leela: That story stunk. Hand me the binoculars. I think the owner is from Cygnus 5. Farnsworth: Cygnoids? On our block? Flying foo! They should go back where they came from. Leela: Professor, please! Society's never gonna make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other. Now let's go over there and make these hideous strangers feel welcome. Farnsworth: No! Blek: You sure about these chairs? Guidebook says human legs bend down at knee. Blek: It's OK, Mama. Anyone complains, I bend legs up for free. Ooh! Customers! Welcome to Earth pizza store. Here, sit. I bend knees for you. Bender: Ooh! That's a-comfy! Blek: OK, now, what kind of pizza goes in you? Silt? Asbestos? We got guano - very fresh! Fry: Uh ... hmm ... do you have any food? Blek: Here, try a deep dish pizza. Contains four kind of things. Leela: I don't mean to offend, but this tastes like vomit. Cygnoid Woman: Thank you. Leela: No, actually, I did mean to offend a little. This is awful. Fry: Hey, hey. What's wrong? Was it something Leela said? Cygnoid Woman: We come to Earth to start new life. Raise fat spoiled Earth kids, hang many underwear from Earth clothesline, live Earthican dream. Fry: Aw. Don't cry, foreign people. I used to work in a pizzeria and as soon as I stop hallucinating and blasting puke, I'm gonna teach you to sell pizza, Earth style! Cygnoid Woman: Oh, thank you, magic biped! Blek: You save us, a-sir. If we cannot make Earth pizza our dream will die. Just like rats we crushed to make the wine. Fry: For starters, only use quality ingredients. Case in point No more live bees. Oregano works equally well. And when you put pizzas in the oven, don't get in with them. Cygnoid #2: Hey, ocupado! Fry: Most important of all is the big screen TV. Human families need a TV when they're eating so they don't have to talk to each other. Ah, the Earthican pastime Blernsball! Uecker: Mulligan drives the ball. It's going, going and caught by the shortstop. Mets lose again. Man, I haven't seen play this bad since the days of Bob Uecker! This is Bob Uecker saying thanks for watching! Blek: Mets? Shortstop? Pinching the hitter? I don't understand this "blernsball". Fry: Well, if you're going to be Earthicans, we'll have to teach you. How about your pizzeria plays a game against Planet Express? Oh, but you'll need nine players. Cygnoid Woman: No problem! Cygnoid #2: Play the ball! Farnsworth: Go, team! Beat those no good Cygnoids! Show them they stink at a game they've never played before! Blek: Ah, this is why I love Earth! Beautiful star-brightened day, friendly blernsball game with chum pals! So pleasant for everybody. Scruffy: Hit by a pitch. Take your base. Leela: Sorry about that. I guess I needed a few more warm-up pitches. Bender: No batter! No batter! No batter anymore. Scruffy: Take your base. Leela: I didn't mean to hit you. I have some trouble with depth perception. Cygnoid #2: Yeah, me too now. Bender: Hey, batter, batter, batter! Hey, batter, batter, batter! Hey, batter, batter! Duck! Scruffy: Take your base. Cygnoid #3: Please, lady, I want to live. Can I use bat to protect head? Bender: Apparently not. Man: Check out the one-eyed bean machine! Blek: Hooray! I make a score point! Fry: Leela, you beaned a run-in. You'd better let me pitch. Leela: But I've got a no-hitter going. You're right. Here. Randy: Don't take her out, she's a firecracker! Doubledeal: Excuse me, I'd like to talk to you. Leela: Am I under arrest? Bender: Wait! I know you. You're the sleazebag who owns the Ultimate Robot Fighting League. Doubledeal: Not anymore. Now I'm the sleazebag who owns the New New York Mets. Leela: The Mets? Those bums are worse than me. Doubledeal: Close to it. But they don't draw a crowd like you. Which is why I wanna sign you to the team. Leela: You mean I'd be the first woman ever to play Major League Blernsball? Commissioner: Well, yeah, but basically you'd just be a publicity stunt. I figure a one-eyed lady skull-buster might bring out the freakshow crowd. Leela: Wow! The first woman ever to play Major League Blernsball. Commissioner: Again, yeah, but basically you'd just be- Leela: Ta-da! The first woman ever to play Major League Blernsball. How do I look? Hermes: Like a sexy Yogi Berra! Farnsworth: Why is your number seven-eighth's? Leela: All the whole numbers have been retired. Fry: Wow! I must say, I'm impressed. You look just like a ball player. Can I pat you on the butt? Leela: Fry, I'm a professional athlete! So go ahead. Fry: Oh! Now I'm too nervous. Uecker: Well, folks, it's only the fifth inning but the Swedes have already turned this one into a "laffer". And that's with two F's. The crowd is pouring out of the stadium L.A.-style. Doubledeal: Skipper, we're losing the crowd. Put it our new novelty act Leela. Skipper: Darn it! I already put in the circus clown. Doubledeal: Yeah, but he bunted. Clowns are only funny when they swing away. Announcer: Your attention, please. Now pitching for the Mets Turanga Leela. A one-eyed woman. Woman: Come on! Throw like a girl! Fry: Go, Leela! Bender: Come on, girl! Amy: Too much eyeliner! Uecker: This is history in the making, folks. Bjornson steps up to the plate and Leela delivers. Bender: Bullseye! Uecker: Ooh! An inauspicious start for the career of the first woman blernsballer. An inauspicious continuation for the career of the first woman blernsballer. Crowd: Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Uecker: Ouch! It's a three-bean-ball salad. The Mets fans love it though, and who can blame them? They haven't had much to cheer about this year- Doubledeal: Kid, that was great! You got us more publicity than a cowboy in a shark tank. Poor Tex, he was quite a shark. Man #1: Hey! Man #2: Hey! Man #3: Come on! Man #4: I win! Bender: Oop! Sorry. Leela: Bender, how did you get in here? Bender: As your agent, I have access to you at all times. Leela: Since when are you my agent? Bender: Quiet, call coming in. Yes? A big endorsement deal for Leela? How much? Hey! You put a one and two zeroes in front of that or we pass! Deal! Leela: Bender, that's great! How much did you get me? Bender: One hundred dollars. Leela: As a pitcher, I serve up plenty of bean balls. So I know good beans when I see them. Bean-Bay Beans They're the beaniest! Director #1: Cut! Uecker: In very short order, Leela has become a fan favourite. Bender: You're the best, babe! Hang on. Call comin' in. What's that? Hey! You put a one and two zeroes in front of that or we pass! Deal! Leela: So what did you get me? Bender: A thousand and one pesos! Leela: Yo soy muy malo en lanzar, pero yo soy muy bueno en comer frijoles. Come los Bean Bay frijoles, los frijoles de los reyes. Director #2: Cut! OK, now do one with bean suit on! Blek: Leela really bringing in the customers. Cygnoid Woman: This keep up, we need to buy second sauce toilet. Girl: When I grow up I want to injure men by throwing stuff at them just like you, Leela. Will you sign my magazine? Leela: Aw! Sure thing, sweetie. Who should I make it out to? Girl: Well, uh ... to eBay? Leela: That's a popular name today. Little "e" big "B"? Bender: Five bucks an autograph, 200 fans. Add a one and two zeros in front of that and we got ourselves a wad! Leela: I'm not doing this for the wad. I'm doing it for all the struggling female athletes who need a role model. Woman: Yeah! A role model for how to stink! Leela: What? Who are you? Woman: Jackie Anderson. I'm on the blernsball team at NNYU and I was hoping to get to play in the majors soon. Leela: Oh, following in my footsteps? Jackie: Pft. God forbid! Your little freakshow is making it impossible for real female ball players to be taken seriously. I hope you're proud of yourself. Bender: Alright, show's over. No refunds. You heard the robot. Get out! Leela: I'm a fool. The fans haven't been cheering for me, they've been cheering at me. Amy: Don't be upset, Leela. You, um ... you look really cute in your uniform. Leela: That's what makes it so sad. I thought I was doing something heroic. Bender: You are. What about that little girl you visited in the hospital? You know the one I mean? The one who died? Leela: You're right. I can't let people down anymore. As God as my witness, I vow to earn the respect of girls and women everywhere. I will become the best blernsball player of all time. Hermes: That's statistically impossible. In 77 innings you haven't gotten a single out. At this rate, you're sure to go down as the worst blernsball player of all time. Leela: Oh. Then I have a new vow. I solemnly swear that I will become not the worst blernsball player of all time. Fry: Hey, look! The players who broke the various colour barriers. Bender: When will Man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots? Leela: Ah, here we are. The worst player in history. If I can be just a little better than him I can slink away with my head held high. Bender: It says he once struck out when his tongue got stuck to an unusually cold bat. Fry: And here he is trying to make a catch with an oven mitt. Leela: It's even a crummy hologram. Aaron Jr.: I'm not a hologram, though I am crummy. Hank Aaron XXIV. Fry: Hank Aaron XXIV? How could you play so blowfully? The original Hank Aaron was great! Aaron Sr.: No, I was better than great. I was the home run king! Bender: Neat! Leela: So, Hank- The bad Hank. Just how blowful were you? Aaron Jr.: Well, I had a low batting average. Aaron Sr.: Low? It was zero, you fungo! You went your whole career without getting a hit. Fry: Leela could beat that. She's pitched her whole career without getting an out. Aaron Sr.: You stink, lady! Hey, Junior, she belongs in the exhibit instead of you. Aaron Jr.: Forget it. This job's too cushy to give up. Ah, Wade Boggs! Goes down smooth! Leela: Look, I don't wanna be in this exhibit. That's why I need your help. So I can be one tiny iota less pathetic than you. Aaron Jr.: Oh, I can't help you play better than Tiny Iota. That guy was great. But I'll teach you everything I know. Aaron Jr.: OK, let's see what you can do. Bender: One thing she can do is lodge a ball in the depth centre of your brain. You better get a batting helmet. Leela: Alright. Low and away. Aaron Jr.: OK, try it again. But this time keep your eye off the ball. Leela: You mean "keep your eye on the ball"? Aaron Jr.: Hey, lady, which one of us is in the hall of fame? Fry: Pst. You're holding the bat upside down. Aaron Jr.: Just pitch the ball. Leela: OK. Eye off the ball. Bender: Strike! Fry: Hooray! Aaron Jr.: You did it, Leela! Leela: I didn't hit the batter! For once I was pitching and not just belly-itching! Aaron Jr.: Oh, you got that too? I think there's a rash goin' around. Uecker: Welcome to Fenway Park, home of the Boston Poindexters, where the Mets close out a season that'll rank among Mankind's most awful crimes. Fry: Hey! You opened a franchise! Cygnoid Woman: Yes. Our biggest seller is Leela's Bean Pizza. Six kinds of beans, plus several things that look like beans. Gilman: Beans, huh? Mmm. This is great! How to you make the crust so fizzy? Blek: Ah-ah-ah! Ancient Cygnoid secret! Cygnoid Woman: My husband, some hotshot! Here's his ancient Cygnoid secret! Live hornets! We smush them right into dough! Gilman: I don't care if there's horse manure in it! Blek: That's a-good! Gilman: I wanna buy this franchise. How does $100,000 sound? Blek: Forget it! We come to Earth to make pizza, not money. Cygnoid Woman: No, Blek! Other way around! Blek: Oh, right. Offer accepted! Uecker: Well, fans, Boston's turning the last game into a real "squeeeker"! And that's with three "e's"! Two men on and they're down to their last out. Leela: Come on, skipper. It's my last chance to prove I'm not the worst player ever. Please put me in. Skipper: No. We're actually winning this game. You only go in as a joke when we're eight runs behind. Or when our other pitchers sneak out early to beat the traffic. Come on! Let's see some fundamentals out there! And not clown fundamentals. Aw, darn, darn darn! Now the bases are loaded! Isn't there a man on this team who can get one more out? Leela: I can. Skipper: I repeat Isn't there a man on this team on this- Leela: I've been training with Hank Aaron. Skipper: You've been training with the Hank Aaron? Leela: I've been training with a Hank Aaron. Skipper: Alright then. Get in there and pitch like you've never pitched like you before! Announcer: Now pitching for the Mets Turanga Leela. Crowd: Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Go, Leela! Farnsworth: Go, Leela! Amy: Come on, Leela! Bender: Put it right down the pike! Fry: Strike him out, Leela! Do it for the hundreds of women everywhere! Announcer: Your attention Now pinch-hitting for the Poindexters Jackie Anderson. Uecker: Would you look at that! College blernsball's finest female hitter making her big league debut against pro-ball's worst female anything. I've never seen anything this bizarre, and I've seen Mr. Belvedere naked! Woo! Leela: Keep cool. She's just like any other player. She puts on her sports bra one arm at a time. Umpire: Strike one! Leela: Strike one, a personal best! Umpire: Strike two! Uecker: Remember, fans, this exciting moment is brought to you by Month Old Franks, the hotdogs with experience! Mmm-mmm! A grand slam blern. The Mets lose! Their season is over! And no question, Leela, the first woman ever to reach the Majors, will go down as the single worst player in the history of blernsball! And yet tonight we have witnessed the beginning of a great career for the first woman to play the sport well - Jackie Anderson! Jackie: Leela? Leela: Jackie. I guess you were right. I'm a lousy role model. I'm sorry. Jackie: No, don't be. It turns out you were an inspiration after all. Leela: I was? Jackie: Uh-huh. You were so awful that women everywhere set out to prove they don't stink as bad as you. You know, like a pig or something. Leela: Oh, that's so kind of you. I guess I made a difference after all. Jackie: You absolutely did, Leela. Now please, please retire. Immediately. Leela: Hey, kid. Catch! Aaron Sr.: Well, at least you're still the worst football player of all time. Aaron Jr.: Yeah. Yeah.

Linda: Up next, daring daylight robbery at a municipal swimming pool. Bender: Ooh! This is it! Turn me up! Linda: Earlier today, a foul-mouthed bandit robbed the municipal pool, making off with the contents of over three lockers. Bender: More like three lockers and a sink! Leela: Bender? Did you have something to do with this? Bender: Of course not. Hermes: Holy spitz! He's sportin' skintight Speedos! Amy: They don't leave much to the imagination. Hermes: Actually, on a robot, they sorta do. Morbo: One puny human got a look at the robber... Bender: Here we go. Here we go! Morbo: Describing him as a short, nasty, muscular... Bender: Yeah, make me famous, big head! Morbo: Caucasian human male. Bender: What? Fry: Hey! Now what am I supposed to watch and drink all day? Bender: This is an outrage. What's the point of pulling the biggest pool caper ever if nobody knows you did it? Fry: Well, there's the material rewards. Bender: You mean this junk? Boy: Whee! Bender: All I ever wanted was for people to remember my name. It's Bender. Farnsworth: Oh, fuff! Why bother remembering anything? You're just going to forget it five seconds later. Bender: It's so unfair. A debonair robot with a zesty in-your-face outlook doomed to obscurity like the rest of you, especially Leela. If I died tomorrow, no one would even notice. Scruffy: Boy, I've never seen him so down, or ever before. Bender: How does a nobody like me get famous? I know! Hey, look! I'm stuck! But I haven't given up hope! Call a soft-news journalist! Woman: You're not stuck. Bender: Shut up. Bender: Hey, everyone do The Bender! This move's called The Bender! Roller-Skater: Yo, hotwheels. This circle's about free expression, not fascist moves! Bender: A blank wall! Fame is mine! Bender: There. Now no one will forget how I lived or my attitude regarding butt. Sal: Alrights, ladies, let's flush these artists lofts straights to hell! Bender: No! Bender: I'm the first one to work. A new low. All: Surprise! Fry: Happy funeral, Bender! Bender: A surprise funeral? For me? Fry: We just wanted to show you that you really will be remembered. Zoidberg: Now if the deceased would kindly take his place of honour. Bender: Ooh! Cushion-y! And a minibar! Fry: Dearly beloved, we are here today to remember Bender, taken from us in the prime of life when he was crushed by a runaway semi driven by the Incredible Hulk. Bender: Aw! You knew my favourite cause of death. Fry: Now let us each remember the best things about Bender in our own way. Professor? Farnsworth: Your standard bending unit is made of an iron-osmium alloy. But Bender was different. Bender had a point-04% nickel impurity. Bender: It's what made me me. Hermes: If you ever needed a small package brought into the country without a lot of X-raying and such, Bender always had a free body cavity. Bender: Eh, the Professor's was better. Leela: Bender, shush. You're supposed to be dead. Bender: Say more about how great I am. And where's the crying? You people look like you're waiting for the bus. Zoidberg: Oh, Danny-boy, The pipes, the pipes are calling- Bender: Who-y-boy? Zoidberg: From glen to glen and down- Bender: Danny-boy? You're at my funeral, singing about some dead stiff named Danny-boy? You really are a massive bonehead. Zoidberg: I'm expressing my sorrow. Bender: Get lost! I'd say "Don't quit your day job" but you're awful at that too. Leela: We're trying our best. Bender: Your best is an idiot. Let's pick it up, people. So far it's been crap after crap! I croaked, now show me some love! Amy: Bender was a truly special- Bender: Louder and sadder. Amy: Bender was a truly special- Bender: Next! Preacherbot: Dear Lord- Bender: Oh, next! Zoidberg: Oh, Danny-boy- Bender: Come on! Surely there must be someone here who knows how great I was. Fry: Yes there is, Bender. Bender was a lot of things to a lot of people. But, looking back, the number one thing I can say about him is this, and simply this Bender was my friend. Bender: What? That's it? Who are you? You're nobody! This is the worst funeral ever! I hope you're all happy. You've succeeded in convincing me life is worth living, by showing how bad my funeral will suck. Amy: I know whose funeral we'll be attending next! Farnsworth: Oh, stop! Farnsworth: News, everyone! Today you're going to Osiris 4 to deliver this enormous sandstone block. Fry: I thought something looked different in here. Fry: Hi. We have a giant stone to deliver. Sign here. Osiran: Ah, very nice. Much like the 10 million identical stones used in the future tomb of our great Pharaoh Hermenthotip. Leela: Impressive. Who's building it? Osiran: You. Leela: Say again? Osiran: You are now slaves of the great Pharaoh Hermenthotip. Guards. Fry: Call it a hunch but I've got a bad feeling about this. Fry: You know the worst thing about being a slave? They make you work but they don't pay you or let you go. Leela: That's the only thing about being a slave! Osiran: Attention. You are now possessions of the great Pharaoh Hermenthotip, heir to the Tenth Dynasty, bringer of the good aspects of the annual floods. Fry: Incredible. This place is just like the Ancient Egypt of my day. Osiran: That is no coincidence. For our people visited your Egypt thousands of years ago. Fry: I knew it! Insane theories, one; regular theories, a billion. Osiran: We learned many things from the mighty Egyptians, such as pyramid-building, space travel and how to prepare our dead so as to scare Abbott and Costello. Fry: Also Wolfman! Bender: Look at these swanky tombs! These people really know how to die. Leela: Are you crazy? They worked thousands of people to death to make these stupid monuments. Bender: Hey, you spend your whole life building a guy's toe and you're gonna remember him. I think I'm gonna like it here! Man #1: Yeah, I, uh, noticed your sign and I thought I'd come over here and look into getting involved in your program. Man #2: What we do is make you starve to death. Osiran: One, two, three, pull! One, two, three, pull! Australian Man: Oh! Bloody chunder! Bender: Pick it up, people. We're enslaved here to do a job. Master? Do we have to count to three every time? Couldn't we just count to one. Or better yet one-half? Osiran: Good idea, slave. One-half, pull! One-half, pull! Bender: Now we're slavin'! Bender: Come on, guys. Pharaoh's countin' on us. Work faster, like this. You call that motivating me? Don't just whip with your arms. The power comes from your hips. Like this. Leela: Bender, quit giving the slave drivers pointers! Fry: Yeah. Remember who your real friends are. Bender: I'll tell you who I remember. Anopsis ... Pleotut ... Whatshisname. He was the greatest of all. Osiran: Pharaoh Hermenthotip approaches. Bender: Hurry! Hurry! Pharaoh's coming! Get that nose in place. Come on! Hermenthotip: Excellent work! I am very proud of all you slaves. Bender: Viva Hermenthotip! Hermenthotip: And now, I have a grand announcement. In honour of your achievement, you're all hereby- Bender: No! Hermenthotip: Tell the slaves they can all go- Bender: Go faster? I told them but they're so damn lazy. Hermenthotip: No. I mean they are all free- Bender: Free-loading off you? I agree. Hermenthotip: No, I- Osiran: Pharaoh Hermenthotip is dead. Bender: He's whippin' angels now. High Priest: We commend the body of Hermenthotip to the abode of the damned. The damned good looking! Pharaoh commanded me to tell that joke at his funeral. Bender: I'll always remember you, Hermenthotip! High Priest: To equip Pharaoh for his journey, we bury him with his favourite possessions. Such as his heart and liver. And the many goods he left in his royal garage. Also, this bag of cats our culture considers holy. Singer: Pharaoh my God-king, You are cold and deceased, I used to have him sing... Singer: P-P-P-Pharaoh and his pets... Singer: But the years went by, And Pharaoh died, Suzie will have joined him in the afterlife- Osiran: Hermenthotip is gone. The time to designate a new Pharaoh is at hand. Bender: Wow! Osiran: At dawn tomorrow, the high priest will consult the Wall of Prophecy to determine Hermenthotip's successor. That concludes the funeral. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here. Fry: Can you believe it? Pharaoh's dead! Slave #1: Yes! Tonight we are slaves to no one, except the rhythm! Leela: Yeah! Play those bongos! Fry: I'm gonna spin till I fall down! Bender: We interrupt this ancient prophecy to bring you late-breaking bulletin. He hammers the back of his head and creates and imprint of himself on the wall. High Priest: Great Wall of Prophecy, reveal to us God's will that we may blindly obey. Priests: Free us from thought and responsibility. High Priest: We shall read things off you. Priests: Then do them. High Priest: Your words guide us. Priests: We're dumb. Fry: You know what else stinks about being a slave? The hours. High Priest: The prophecy is strange and crudely drawn at best. It indicates that, we are "here" and our next Pharaoh is over there, near some ... tents. Bender: Those are waves, jackass. It's supposed to be a river! Fry: Hey. I think I know who the next Pharaoh is! Leela: Oh, Lord! High Priest: We hear your voice, oh, great Pharaoh. Reveal yourself to us. Bender: Behold! I have emerged from the place of spells and fairies! High Priest: It is he. Just as the Wall of Prophecy prophesied. Long live Pharaoh Bender! Slaves: Long live Pharaoh Bender! Leela: This society is a bunch of idiots. High Priest: People of Osiris 4, please welcome a man who started as a slave but worked his way up to Lord of All Creation! Our new Pharaoh, Bender! Bender: Citizens of Me! The cruelty of the old Pharaoh is a thing of the past. Let a whole new wave of cruelty wash over this lazy land. Leela: What did he say? Bender: Hear the word of Pharaoh. Build unto me a statue of ridiculous proportion. One billion cubits in height ... ... that I might be remember-ed for all eternity. And be quick about it! Bender: Lowly slave, why are you not working? Slave #2: I am. Bender: I meant yourself to death. Slave #3: Mighty Pharaoh, it hurts when I breathe. Bender: Well then what do you think you should stop doing? Crawl, pigs! Leela: Ow! Bender: The Pharaoh has spoken. Bender: Your task is nearly completed. Don't let down Pharaoh now. Osiran: The great monument is finished, oh Pharaoh. And now, the unveiling. Statue: Remember me. Remember me. Remember me. Osiran: Does it please you, my lord? Bender: Hmm ... it's a good start. Uh, yeah, it's definitely big alright. I just wonder if it's too big, y'know? I mean, are people gonna be remembering me or the statue? High Priest: But, sire, we made it to your exact specifications. Bender: Too exact if you ask me. Tear it down and try again. But this time don't embarrass yourselves. High Priest: Ladies and gentlemen, the Pharaoh suddenly died. Leela: Good riddance. Bender: What about my servants? Priest: Oh, yeah. Fry: Bender, I really hope that's you. 'Cause if it isn't ... we're in trouble! Leela: You jerk. Why'd you have to drag us along? Bender: I wanted to watch you remember me. Leela: Did you really think you'd need all this junk in the afterlife? Bender: Afterlife? Pft. If I thought I had to go through a whole other life I'd kill myself right now. Leela: Well rot in peace. Fry and I are leaving. Bender: Sorry, but we're totally sealed in. Nothing can get in or out. Except millions of snakes. Here, have a pomegranate schnapps from my private distillery and start sharing fond memories of me, Bender. Fry: What proof is this? Some huge number? Leela: It's explosive! Maybe we could escape by setting fire to the distillery and blowing this whole place to rubble! Let's get a little kindling going! Bender: No! You can't blow up my monument. I won't be remembered. Leela: Oh, right, how selfish of me. We'll just stay here forever. Hey, Fry? Remember that robot "Bender"? Fry: Bend-er? Doesn't ring a bell. Did you hear something, Leela? Leela: No. But I bet it wasn't someone who was good at stealing. Bender: Stop it, stop it! It's not right! You've crossed a line. Fry: Hey, Leela, you know who I remember? Bender: Oh, please, let it be me. Fry: That guy who used to bend things. You know? Bender: Me, please! Fry: Hermes. Bender: Alright, alright! If it means that much to you, blow up my statue. Leela: Oh, Bender! When did you come in? Hold still! Leela: Let's blow this tomb! Slave #1: Pharaoh Bender! He once more walks among the living. Bender: How we doing? Statue: Remember me. Bender: I will. I will. Bender: Please, just leave me alone. Leela: Bender, I understand your desire to be remembered. But you don't need a statue for that. Bender: I don't? Leela: No. You have your legacy as a brutal, tyrannical dictator, and that will outlive any monument. Bender: You really think they'll remember me? Fry: Absolutely. Bender: Well in that case. One planet down! Helmsman... Bender: Set course for Earth! Leela: That's not Earth. Bender: Oh.

Leela: What do you think of the view Fry? Fry: It really puts things in perspective. I mean, from up here an entire world can seem utterly insignificant. Bender: Hey nice seats! We're close enough so when you knock a player down with a beer bottle, he stays down! Fry: I don't get it. Is blernsball exactly the same as baseball? Farnsworth: Baseball?? God forbid! Leela: Face it Fry. Baseball was as boring as mum and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up. Fry: Boring? Baseball wasn't - hmm, so they finally jazzed it up? Fry: Home run!! Woooo! Right? Umpire: Out! Fry: What just happened? Why is the ball on that springy thing? Leela: It's traditional. Just like aluminium bats and the seventh inning grope. Bender: I got me a souvenir! Aww here you go kid! Zoidberg: I'd like a jumbo squidlog please. Man: We don't sell those. Zoidberg: Alright, alright. Let me have one of your young on a roll. Man: We're out of rolls. Zoidberg: Fine! Just give me something crawling with parasites. Fry: Mmmm, at least hot dogs haven't changed. Bender: Hey buddies who wants popcorn? All: I'll have some, me, yeah! Bender: Anyone want butter on that? Fry: Hey I'm starting to get the hang of this game! The blerns are loaded, the count's three blerns and two anti-blerns and the infield blern rule is in effect, right? Leela: Except for the word "blern" that was complete gibberish. [The blernsball falls into a hole and indescribable mayhem ensues! Fry scratches his head in confusion. Leela writes on her score card. All right! Yes!! Fry: What just happened? Leela: Miller's on a pace to hit 70 blerns! Farnsworth: He's good all right. But he's no Clem Johnson. And Johnson played back in the days when steroid injections were mandatory. Bender: Clem Johnson? That skin bag wouldn't have lasted one pitch in the old Robot Leagues! Now Wireless Joe Jackson, there was a blern hitting machine! Leela: Exactly! He was a machine designed to hit blerns! I mean come on! Wireless Joe was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels. Bender: Oh and I suppose pitching at 5000 was just a modified howitzer. Leela: Yep. Bender: You humans are so scared of a little robot competition you won't even let us on the field. Fry: What are you talking about? There's all kinds of robots down there. Bender: Yeah doing crap work! They're bat boys, ball polishers, sprinkler systems. But how many robot managers are there? Fry: Eleven? Bender: Zero! And what a surprise! Look who's scraping up the filth! Is it a human child? I wish! Farnsworth: Oh dear Lord! Fry: What's wrong? Farnsworth: It's...my...new...pager. Hermes: This is Hermes. A package just came in. Everyone is to return to the office immediately. Get away you filthy bird! Shoo! Professor turn me off quick! Farnsworth: I'm sorry what? Hermes: Argh! See you at the office! Bender: Admit it. You all think robots are machines built by humans to make their lives easier. Fry: Well, aren't they? Bender: I've never made anyone's life easier and you know it! Farnsworth: Great news everyone. You'll be delivering a package to Chapek 9. A world where humans are killed on sight! Fry: Why is that great news? Farnsworth: I'm glad you asked that question Fry. You see Chapek 9 was colonised centuries ago by a murderous crew of radical robot separatists. Bender: Oh so just 'cause a robot wants to kill humans that makes him a radical? Leela: Hey hold on. I understand these robots hate humans but how do they feel about humanoid aliens? Farnsworth: They're not fans. Hermes: That's why Bender will have to make the actual delivery. Bender: Oh I get it, make the robot do all the work! Leela: This is the first actual work you've ever had to do around here. Bender: Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday. Fry: Really? Which one? Bender: Only Robanukah. The holiest two weeks on the robot calendar. Leela: Oh come on Bender. Last month it was Robomadan and before that Robonzaa. Fry: Man that one was a blast! Bender: It wasn't just a blast it was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest. Hermes: Now look here Bender. I respect your diversity to the extent the law requires but you used up all your days off when you had that bout of Roberculosis. Bender: All right, I'll go. But so help me, I'll hold a grudge against every last one of you for the rest of your lives. Farnsworth: Well then it's settled. So long everyone! Fry: So let me get this straight This planet is completely uninhabited? Bender: No. It's inhabited by robots! Fry: Oh. Kinda like how a warehouse is inhabited by boxes. Leela: OK Bender, we're here. It's time to get to work. Bender: Yes Miss Leela, tote that space barge, lift that space bale. Leela: Now we can't land on the surface because those robots will kill Fry and me, so we'll have to stay up here and lower you with the winch. And remember You don't know humans, you don't work for humans, and above all, you don't like humans! Bender: I'll try to keep that in mind! Leela: Hmm, he seems pretty angry. Fry: Yeah but I guess I'd be angry too if I had to go to some uninhabited planet. Leela: Maybe we ought to do something nice for him. Leela: There. That ought to show that stupid robot we care about him. Fry: Ah, Bender must be done with the delivery. Bender: I'm in trouble. they found out I work with humans and - oh no, oh no! Fry: Oh my God! We have to go down and rescue him. Leela: No we can't! They'll kill us on sight. Fry: Well what are we going to do? Leela: I don't know, I don't know. It's not an easy decision. If only I had two or three minutes to think about it. Leela: OK. If we're going to save Bender, we've got to look and act exactly like robots. Fry: I am fully operational Captain. Leela: We have to walk like robots, talk like robots and if necessary solve complex differential equations like robots. Fry: I can sort of dance like a robot. Will that help? Leela: Fry first of all this is serious. And second of all... Fry: Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten store bought costumes. Leela: Yeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant. Robot Guard #1: Halt! Robot Guard #2: Be you robot or human? Leela: Robot...we be. Fry: Uh yup! Just two robots out roboting it up! Eh? Robot Guard #1: Administer the test. Robot Guard #2: Which of the following would you most prefer? A A puppy? B A pretty flower from your sweetie or C A large properly formatted data file? Robot Guard #1: Choose! Fry: Is the puppy mechanical in any way? Robot Guard #2: No. It is the bad kind of puppy. Leela: Then we'll go with that data file. Robot Guard #2: Correct. Robot Guard #1: The flower would also have been acceptable. Robot Guard #2: You may pass. Leela: Now if you see any robots, just stay out of their way. So far, so good. Robot Builder: Little to the right, there you go. Leela: Have you seen this robot? Robot Builder: Sorry, can't help you. Hey, watch it! Don't drop that there! Aw! Leela: Come on Fry, walk like a robot. Fry: I can't. I have to go to the bathroom. Leela: Robot's don't have bathrooms. Fry: Oh right. I wonder where they all smoke in high school. Leela: Listen. Just go behind those garbage cans. I'll stand guard. Leela: Hurry up Fry. Resin-Offering Robot: Sir? Are you aware that you're leaking coolant at an alarming rate? Fry: Uh... Resin-Offering Robot: Well let me just patch you up with some hot resin. Fry: I think the leak's stopping itself. Wait. Wait. Yeah, there we go. Wait. Yeah! Resin-Offering Robot: What sort of robot turns down a free blast of searing hot resin? Leela: I'm sorry. My friend and I have to go and perform some mindless repetitive tasks. Resin-Offering Robot: Sounds like a romantic evening. I won't keep you. Patrol Officer #1: Get the humanoids. Patrol Officer #2: Get the intruder. Announcer: Intruder alert! Intruder alert! Leela: Quick! Let's duck in here! Announcer: We interrupt this sound file to bring you a terrifying announcement. A non-metallic being has been sighted in the vicinity of Make Out Point. Rusty: Say Wendy. Your chassis is a little scuffed. Mind if I polish it for you? Wendy: Did you hear that Rusty? It sounded like a human. Rusty: Relax Wendy. Humans will never come to our defenceless little town. It's perfectly safe to let our guard down - even for a second. Robot Human: Graaah! I will eat and digest you all with my system of mighty organs! Behold! Audience: Ooooo! Fry: Wow the 3-D's great! Leela: Mine's not working! Robot General: Funny, isn't it? The human was impervious to our most powerful magnetic fields, yet in the end he succumbed to a harmless sharpened stick! Wendy: I'm just glad the nightmare is over. Robot General: It'll never be over Wendy. Even now humans are lurking in our playgrounds, our breezeways, perhaps even...our movie theatres! Fry: God help us! Leela: OK. Keep an eyeout for Bender. Robot #1: So what did you think of the movie? Fry: Umm, too much romance, not enough human killing. Robot #2: Yeah, it was a real chick flick. Leela: What's that? Robot #1: What do you mean "What's that?"? Its 5 o'clock Time for the daily human hunt. Leela: Try to stay with the crowd so no one notices how crummy you look. Crummy Robot: Awww that was uncalled for! Fry: I'm over here! Robot #4: I heard a human was draining coolant behind garbage can 738. Robot #5: I heard they unscrew our lugnuts at night and eat them at their human brunches. Robot Mayor: Welcome to a very special human hunt. We have with us today a guest who's irrational hatred of humans makes me look like a human sympathiser! A newly arrived refugee from Earth, lets hear it for - Bender! Fry: It's him. He's OK! Bender: Death to humans! Fry: Ahh! It's good to hear his voice! Bender: Many said I was too extreme when I first called for the annihalation of the human species, as well as some of the more cunning monkeys. But after living on Earth I can tell you that I am, if anything, too merciful! Fry: My God! He's become evil. I mean eviler! Bender: Thank you, thank you. And if you enjoyed that diatribe then you'll want to purchase my spoken word album, just 18.95! Act now and you'll get this Bender action figurine. Bender Figurine: Bite my shiny metal ass! Robot Mayor: Let the hunt begin! Bender: Now. Your basic human is between three and twenty five feet tall and is made of a hairy, oily goo wrapped in a t-shirt. Robot #1: Is it true they bite your neck, suck your transmission fluid and then you become a human? Bender: Sure, why not? Robot #1: Anything in the trap? Bender: Nothing. Today's active humans prefer a low calorie bait. Robot Mayor: Well that makes 146,000 unsuccessful hunts in a row. But I've got a good feeling about tomorrow. Bender: Wait, what's that? Robot Mayor: Oh thats the old abandoned adult book store. Nothing in there except a few mouldy old shreads of robot pornography. Bender: Hmmm, sounds like a breeding ground for humans. I'd better check it out. Bender: Oh yeah! You're a bad girl aren't you? Fry: Psst! Bender! Bender: Huh? Wha? You! What the hell are you doing here? Fry: We've been looking for you. Last we heard you were under arrest as a human sympathiser. Bender: I was. But they let me go when I told them that I'd killed a million billion humans. Leela: Good for you. Now lets all get back to the ship. Bender: What for? Fry: We're rescuing you. Bender: I don't wanna be rescued. Fry: Say what? Bender: I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame and access to sleaze that those things bring. Fry: But Bender, we're your friends. Bender: Friends? That activates my hilairity unit! I'm just a machine to you. You're no more friends with me than you are with the toaster, the phonograph or the electric chair. Fry: That's not true. Bender: Well that's how it feels to me. Fry: Bye Bender. I'll miss you. Bender: Go on, get out of here before you get caught. Robot Mayor: Bender, good news. Your album just went gold! What the? Robot #1: Its the humans! Robot Mayor: Bender! Do something! Bender: Uh...got you...you muderous...flesh piles! Robot Mayor: Your Honour, I intend to demonstrate beyond 0.5% of a doubt that these humans before us are guilty of the crime of being humans. Come to think of it, I rest my case! Judge: Thank you, Prosecutor. I will now consider the evidence. Fry: Hey, wait a minute! Isn't anyone gonna defend us? Leela: Yeah! I mean, he might not have a case, but I'm genuinely not human. Robot Mayor: Quiet, human! Robot Clerk: Uh oh! He froze up again! Robot Mayor: Try control alt delete. Robot #1: Jiggle the cord. Robot #2: Turn him off and on. Robot #3: Clean the gunk out of the mouse. Fry: Call technical support. Robot Clerk: OK, OK. He's back online. Judge: I find the defendants - guilty! Fry: No! Leela: Look! One eye! Count them One! Not human! Judge: The humans are hereby sentenced to live as robots live on Earth. They will perform tedious calculations and spot-weld automobiles, until they become obsolete and are given away to an inner-city middle school. Robot Mayor: Great work Bender! You've taught us to hate humans all over again! Bender: Heh heh heh! Oooh! Leela: Are you alright? Fry: Oh yeah. Leela: Who are you? Blue Elder: We are the robot elders. Fry: You don't look very old. Blue Elder: Thanks. We try to take care of ourselves. Leela: What's going on here? Orange Elder: Silence! Bring in Bender. Bender: Alright lets make this quick, I'm due at the opening of a mini-mall. Hey what is this? Blue Elder: Silence! It is time to put the humans to death! Fry: But the judge already sentenced us at the trial! Orange Elder: Silence! That was just a show for the public. We are the true rulers of this planet, hand carved from meteorites by the Robot Founders, over four centuries ago. Blue Elder: Silence! Come forward Bender. You will have the honour of executing the prisoners. Green Elder: Silence! I concur! Orange Elder: Here. Use the ceremonial killamajig. Bender: Uh, I'm a little tired right now. Would it be alright if I just gave them a savage beating? Blue Elder: No! The Elders have spoken. Show us the killing skills than have made you a media darling. Green Elder: Do it now! Kill them before they bring down our whole society! Elders: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Bender: Aww! I can't kill them. Plenty of humans have mistreated robots but not these two. they're my friends. Humans are no threat to us. They're stupid, putrid cowards. Fry: Damn right! Bender: The fact is, humans are completely harmless. Blue Elder: We're well aware of that. Bender: You are? Blue Elder: Of course. But they're useful to us as a scapegoat to distract the public from their real problem. Green Elder: Like our crippling lugnut shortage. Orange Elder: And a corrupt government of incompetent Robot Elders. Lime Elder: Duh, that's for sure. Blue Elder: Quiet Jimmy. Bender: Well I'm glad we got all that out in the open. We'll just let ourselves out. Green Elder: Silence! You all know too much. Blue Elder: Elders Execute function, control, shift, kill! Fry: Stop! Take one more step and I'll breathe fire on you! Leela: He'll do it. He's crazy! Orange Elder: Can they really breathe fire or did we make that up? Blue Elder: Gee, I can't remember anymore! It might just be from that stupid movie. Green Elder: Was that the original or the re-make? Blue Elder: I don't - hey! They're getting away. Fry: So long suckers! Uh, hello suckers! Bender: Hey hold on a second I forgot to deliver the package. Robot #1: Lugnuts! Precious lugnuts! Robot #2: Hooray for the humans! Bender: Wow, I can't believe you guys did all this for me! This is the best Robanukah ever! Fry: We wanted to show you that we really do respect your robot heritage. Bender: Aww, thanks! You do know I made Robanukah up to get out of work right? Leela: Of course. Fry: But that doesn't make it any less meaningful! Bender: In that case - let the dancing begin! Hey you guys are good. How the hell do you do that??

Raiders Of The Lost Arcade: David X. Cohen Farnsworth: There. I've finished fine-tuning my What-If machine. It can answer any "What-If" question, accurate to within one-tenth of a plausibility unit. Leela: That's so plausible I can't believe it! Farnsworth: Who wants the machine to show them an alternate reality? Bender: Ooh! Ooh! I wanna know what would happen if I were human. I mean, being a robot's great, but we don't have emotions and sometimes that makes me very sad. Farnsworth: Oh, Lordy Lou, there he goes again. Well, let's give baby what he wants. What if Bender were human? Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I've invented a way to turn Bender into a human using a process I call "reverse fossilisation". Leela: How does it work? Farnsworth: Well, in regular fossilisation, flesh and bone turn to minerals. Realising that, it was a simple matter to reverse the process. I've already tested it by turning the toaster into a racoon. Fry: Kinda game-y. Farnsworth: Are you ready, Bender? Bender: I dunno. I'm beginning to have some second thoughts- Hermes: Cover your shame, mon! Farnsworth: It worked! Eat it, everyone whose never won a Nobel Prize! And that includes you, Amy! Bender: So this is a human body, huh? Neat! Hey, my antenna's gone. No, it just moved. I'm not getting good reception on it though. Maybe if I wiggle it around a little. Fry: Bender, no! You'll make God cry. Bender: Well, let's see what kinda things this body can do. Hey, that's pretty fun. Being human is great! Zoidberg: Hooray! It's just like Mardis Gras! Bender: Guy! Guys! You've gotta see this. You're not gonna believe it! Leela: Bender, it's OK to be proud but don't be a show-off. Bender: Whoa! You look a lot better than you used to for some reason. Amy: You're not so bad yourself, big boy. Bender: Hey, that felt great! Nah, it's not working anymore. Farnsworth: Speak for yourself! Bender: Whoa! This is awesome! Leela: Bender, you drank and smoked when you were a robot. Bender: But now it's bad for me! Fry: Speaking of which, try these nachos. Bender: Mmm! Why didn't anyone tell me tasting things tasted so good? What's going on? That rhythm! It's doing something to my human butt. Amy: Bender, part of being human is having self control. Bender: Oh, my God! I bet I can eat nachos and go to the bathroom at the same time! Amy: No, Bender! Hermes: No! Leela: Stop him. Bender: Let me go. Leela: No! Farnsworth: Come, Bender. It's time to go home and rest. I need you in top shape next week when I present you to the Nobel Prize Committee. Bender? Bender: Goodbye, moderation! Zoidberg: Is Bender still missing for a week? Where is he, already? Farnsworth: Uh, as I've said before, I used reverse fossilisation, which is the reverse of regular, um... Fry: Pst! We found him! Farnsworth: Ah! Then without further stalling for time, I present to the Nobel judges the first robot ever turned into a human. Wernstrom: My God! He needs medical attention! Zoidberg: Pulse, 300; liver, failing; cholesterol, 40? Leela: Well, that's not so bad. Zoidberg: No, I mean 40 pounds! Farnsworth: This, um, scientific breakthrough ... heralds a new dawn in human-robot relations, yes. Bender: C'mere and give old Bender a kiss. Hey, you like grilled cheese? Farnsworth: And, um, that's why I believe I deserve the Nobel Prize. Wernstrom: Not only do you not deserve a Nobel Prize for loosing this bloated man-ball on the world but you are hereby kicked out of the Academy of Science. Bender: Wait! As men of science are not your minds open to new ideas? I say, do not judge me until you have tried my way of life for yourselves. Wernstrom: Young man, you have opened our minds and swayed our hearts. Let us therefore- Bender: Party! Wernstrom: Bender, you were right! Truly you have lived more in your one week of being human than the rest of us have in our entire lives. Bender: Woo! Wernstrom: And so, to recognise your achievements, I hereby award you the Nobel Prize ... ... in, uh ... ... Chemistry. Farnsworth: Care to say a few words, Bender? Fry: He's dead. Wernstrom: When did he die? Farnsworth: About 12 hours ago when the party started. Wernstrom: But he just said, "Woo." Farnsworth: No, that was air escaping from the folds of his fat. Goodnight, sweet prince. You were the greatest man any of us will ever know. Well, let's get him out of here. He's starting to smell up the joint. Narrator: You watched it, you can't un-watch it. Stay tuned for more Tales of Interest! Farnsworth: Who else has a question for the What-If machine? Scruffy? Katrina? Xanthor? Fry: Ooh, I have one. I'm good at video games and bad at everything else. That's why I wish life were more like a video game. Farnsworth: Can you put that in the form of a question? Fry: Uh, what if that thing I said? Farnsworth: Oh, great machine, we beseech thee. What if life were more like a video game? Nixon: Good evening, ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs and pay attention as I sign an historic peace accord with Ambassador Kong of planet Nintendu 64. Fry: Wait a second! I know that monkey. His name is Donkey. Farnsworth: Monkeys aren't donkeys! Quit messing with my head! Nixon: I'll just put the old "John Q. Nixon" on it. There! No major crap-ups. You're on, Mr. Ambassador. What the- Mario: Mamma Mia! The cruel meatball of war has rolled onto our laps and ruined our white pants of peace! Man: Mr. Fry, rumour has it you know the secrets of the video game Chance. Please step into the war room. Man: You'll be meeting with General Colin Pac-Man. Pac-Man: Wakka, wakka, wakka, wakka. Let's get down to business. What can you tell us about the Nintendians? Fry: Well, sir, I spent all of ninth grade studying them, except for that day when my eyeballs started to bleed. And in my opinion- Pac-Man: Quickly! To the escape tunnels! Pac-Man: This way, damnit! Zoidberg: Mmm, delicious! Just like stale marshmallows! Ooh, and a cherry! Fry: Hey, watch out! Zoidberg: Uh-oh! Leela: Oh, my God! He ate Fry! Fry is dead! Fry: It's OK. I had another guy! Pac-Man: Wakka ... wakka, wa- Leela: Invaders! Possibly from space! Lrrr: People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet Nintendu 64. Tremble in fear at our three different kinds of ships. Fry: Alright! It's Saturday night, I have no date, a two-litre bottle of Shasta and my all-Rush mix tape. Let's rock! Nd-Nd: We're losing ships, Lrrr. What are your orders? Lrrr: Increase speed, drop down and reverse direction! Fry: I've still got a trick or two up my sleeve. Watch, as I fire upwards through our own shields. Bender: He's a madman! A madman! Pac-Man: It's working! Victory is assured. My retirement tomorrow will be all the sweeter. I'm hit! So cold! Ms. Pac-Man: No! Fry: Amy, tend to the widow Pac-Man. Ms. Pac-Man: Wakka, wakka, wakka. Lrrr: Drop down and increase speed. Zoidberg: One ship is left only. Leela: Come on, Fry! Get it! Fry: It's moving too fast! Oh, I could never get the last one. My brother always got it for me. Lrrr: Drop down, reverse direction, prepare for landing. Lrrr: You are defeated. Instead of shooting where I was, you should have shot at where I was going to be. Beserk: All your base are belong to us. Q-Bert: Where can a guy get a pair of pants around here? Fry: What do you monsters want? Donkey Kong: One thing and one thing only Quarters! A million allowances worth of quarters! No slugs or tokens. Beserk: Fork 'em over! Fork 'em over! Farnsworth: Forget it, you pixilated pirates. We need those quarters to do our laundry. Amy: Yeah! Bender: Right on! Leela: Sure thing, Professor! Lrrr: But-But space invaders need to do laundry too. I mean look at Donkey Kong here. Have you smelled his loincloth lately? Zoidberg: Yes. Amy: Go away! We're not giving you our quarters no matter what. Lrrr: Well ... then what if we throw our laundry in with yours? Would that be acceptable? Fry: I guess so. Lrrr: OK, then. That settles that. But if this cape shrinks, consider your species extinct! Narrator: Bravo! That'll be hard to top. I pity the next Tale of Interest. Farnsworth: Well, there's time for one last question. Let's turn to the "Who Ask" machine to see who's next. Who Ask Machine: Um, uh, um ... Amy. I mean Leela. Leela: OK. As an alien who was abandoned on Earth, I've never really belonged anywhere. Bender: Boo-hoo. Fry: Ow! Bender: Uh ... where? Leela: So my question is this What if I found my true home? Ow! Leela: Where are we? Leela: Nibbler, I don't think we're in New New York anymore. Jeez! Apparently the phrase "tone it down" doesn't exist on this planet. Oh, no! We hit someone! Quick, back into the ship. Ooh! Nice boots! Cubert: Look, everyone! She killed the Man-Witch of the West! Leela: A witch? That explains how these boots magically appeared on my feet. Small Glurmo #1: No, you stole them. We saw you. Leela: Well ... i-it's hard to find shoes that fit me. So, anyway, who are you people? Haven't I seen you in some copyrighted movie? Small Glurmo #1: We resemble but are legally distinct from the lollipop guild, the lollipop- Amy: Greetings, Leela. I'm the Cute Witch of the North! Leela: Yeah... Can anyone fix my ship so I can get home? Amy: Abraca-duh! Just ask the Professor. He lives in the Emerald Laboratory down Martin Luther King Boulevard. Leela: You mean that yellow brick road? Amy: The city council renamed it in 1975. Ooh! Those are great shoes! Leela: Oh, thank you. Amy: Do they come in women's sizes? Fry: OK, crow, prepare to be scared. And then, "honk, honk," the car honked its own horn! Leela: Wow! A talking scarecrow. Wanna come with us to see the Professor? He might be able to give you a brain. Fry: Hey! That's not a nice thing to say. Bender: Beer! Beer! Leela: Whiskey OK? Bender: Now did you say you were off to see the Professor? 'Cause I could use a heart - a human heart. I need to pump a lot of blood out of my basement. Zoidberg: And I'm the other guy, courage. Not enough of it. Need some from whatshisname. Mom: Damn this DSL! Fly, my stupids! Fly out and get them! Igner: But, Mom, you promised you'd bake monkey cake today. Mom: By "monkey cake" I meant your ass! Fry: Man, we've been skipping for hours. I need to pull over and take the wiz. Zoidberg: What, do I smell or something? Leela: Why did you bring us here? Zoidberg: And why did I have to take a cab? Mom: I'll tell you why I brought you here, you twice-baked barf bags Because I've always wanted a daughter to love. You want to get adopted, you little skank? Leela: And live here? And be a witch like you? Yeah, alright. As long as I get to hurt people and not just dance around at the equinox. Mom: Absolutely. Leela: Oh, Mommy! I found my true home! Bender: Hooray! Zoidberg: Alright! Fry: That's great, Leela. Bender: I've heard worse excuses to drink. Oops! Mom: I'm melting! Oh, who would have thought a small amount of liquid would ever fall on me? Bender: Well, no point letting her go to waste. Hermes: Yes? Leela: We're here to see the Professor. Hermes: No one sees the mighty Professor. Farnsworth: Who's there, Hermes? Is it visitors? I want to see them. Hermes: It's nobody. Now sign that will I gave you! He's not here. Leela: Oh, for the love of Benji! Farnsworth: I am the Professor, great and ... uh ... forgetful! Now, what do you nice kids want? Zoidberg: Nothing! I'm leaving. But if you have extra courage I'd haul it away for you, maybe? Farnsworth: Oh, blithery poop, my cowardly lobster! You don't need courage. After all, who needs courage when you have a gun? Zoidberg: No, world, you put your hands up! Farnsworth: And you, lad, all you need is brain. Fry: Why does everyone keep saying that? Bender: This is a stick-up. Gimme the bag, old man! Farnsworth: Here you go, my friend. 5000 Professor Land fun bucks. Bender: Oh, crap. Farnsworth: As for you, young lady, you want to go home, right? Leela: No, not anymore. I wanna stay here and become the new Wicked Witch. Farnsworth: Nonsense. Now click your big, honking boots together three times and wish to go home to Kansas, to live in poverty with your dirt-farming, teetotalling aunt and uncle. Leela: Uh, alright. Here I go. There's no place like- I wanna be a witch! Oh, no! Help! What's happening? Zoidberg: Uh, sorry. I think there's a problem with your upstairs toilet. Bender: Wake up! Fry: Leela, are you alright? You got wanged on the head. Leela: I was having the most wonderful dream. Except you were there, and you were there, and you were there. Fry: Never mind, Professor. She came to. Farnsworth: Oh! So close. Hermes: There's always next year, Professor. There's always next year.

Fry: I've never seen a supernova blow up, but if it's anything like my old Chevy Nova, it'll light up the night sky! Bender: Yeah! Anyone who misses this will regret it the rest of his life. Hey, Fry, could you go make some popcorn? Fry: OK. Fry: Let's go, microwave, I'm in a hurry here! Hm? Hey, what smells like blue? Leela: Fry, get up here! It's starting! Farnsworth: Focus! Bender: Oh, boy! Leela: Oh! Fry: Hey, which crazy thing happening are you guys screaming about? Zoidberg: My head is spinning. Fry: Ooh! My popcorn's done! Fry: Aw! It's less popped than ever. Leela: I don't know what happened, but we've taken on a lot of clocks. Let's get back home. Leela: Why is there so little traffic around Earth? Farnsworth: And what's this layer of ozone? That's never been there before. Zoidberg: Such noises! Leela: Oh, no! There's no global positioning signal! Navigation is failing. Fry: We're gonna crash! Leela: Not if I can help it! Oh, I guess I can't. Everyone, put on your seatbelts. Bender: Ah, those things cost more lives than they save. Fry: Bender, are you OK? Bender: I dunno. I'll try to move my feet. Leela: Alright, here's the plan Zoidberg, pick up the pieces. Everyone else, take five. Zoidberg: And Zoidberg picks up another piece. The crowd goes wild! What is? Man: General, in all my years of covering top secret discoveries with sheets, I've never dramatically revealed anything as shocking as this. Dun-dun-dun! The debris from an alien spaceship. General: Son, I think I can safely say- Man: As you can see, 1947 is going to be an eventful year for the town of ... Roswell, New Mexico. Farnsworth: Remarkable! According the high-precision digital chronograph it's July 9th, 1947, which would explain why the chronograph has turned into this pin-up calendar. Bender: Wait a second. You mean we travelled through time? Farnsworth: Doy! Some idiot must have put metal in the microwave- Fry: Yo! Farnsworth: And the microwave radiation, combined with the gravitons and graviolis from the supernova, blasted us through time itself. Leela: Have you seen today's news? Bender: High school gym renovations on schedule? What a load! Leela: No, over here! Flying saucer captured! Bender: That's no flying saucer! That's my ass! Fry: My God! This means the flying saucer that crashed in Roswell ... was us! Farnsworth: And the alien they captured was ... was... Zoidberg: Hello! So what are you guys doing tonight? I'm up for whatever. Farnsworth: Yes, we tore the universe a new space-hole alright! But it's clenching shut fast. Our only hope to get back to our own time is to go through it in, oh, say ... ... exactly 24 hours. Leela: No problem. The ship's fixed except for the cup holder and I should have that operational within 10 hours. Farnsworth: You've got eight! But a more urgent concern is the microwave. Without a working one we have no hope of returning to the future. Leela: Well, I'm sure we can buy a microwave somewhere around here. Meanwhile, you guys sneak onto the army base and rescue Bender's body. Fry: Hey, and while we're on the base, I'll visit my grandfather, Enos. He was stationed at Roswell. Farnsworth: Your grandfather? Stay away from him, you dim-witted monkey! You mustn't interfere with the past. Don't do anything that affects anything, unless it turns out you were supposed to do it. In which case, for the love of God, don't not do it! Fry: Got it. Farnsworth: If, for example, you were to kill your grandfather, you would cease to exist. Fry: But existing is basically all I do! General: What is your purpose here? Zoidberg: Alright, Officer, I'll move along. Man: What the general means is why did you come to Earth? Zoidberg: Not a day goes by I don't ask myself the same question. Sergeant: Enos! Private, I want that toilet bowl so clean I could eat off it! 'Cause I intend to! Enos: Well gadzooks, Sarge! Fry: It's him! It's my grandfather, Enos. Sergeant: Now prepare my lunch and place it in the latrine at twelve-hundred hours! Fry: That Jeep's gonna hit him! And I won't exist anymore! Are you crazy? You almost got yourself run over! Enos: I did? Then I sure am lucky you knocked me onto this pile of rusty bayonets! Bender: Pst! Fry! Stop interfering with history. I don't wanna have to memorise a lot of new kings when I get back. Fry: I had no choice; I was about to not exist. I could feel myself fading away, like Greg Kinnear. Enos: Well, thanks, soldier. I'm off to make Sarge's lunch! Handling raw chicken, best part of the job! Mmm! Finger-licking good! Fry: That's it! This place is too dangerous. We gotta get you out of here! Everything's gonna be alright, Dad! Enos: Well gadzooks! I'd better ask Sarge. Fry: No time! Run! Run to safety! Man: This experiment will determine what food, if any, the alien eats. Zoidberg: A buffet! Oh, if only I had my wallet with me! Man: Um, it's free. General: Get me the President. Leela: Fry's from around this time. I'll talk like him. Yo, homes! We're looking for a microwave oven. Salesman: Microwave? Never heard of that brand, sweetheart. What you want is the "Deluxe Gas Princess". This beauty has four broilers, a casserole indicator, a fold-out ironing board and, down here, a foot-soaking tub. Since, as a woman, you'll be standing in front of it all day. Leela: Oh, I'm sorry. Now I'll aks you again Where can we find a mi-cro-wave? Salesman: Sir, your wife's hysterical, so I'll address this to you. This oven is lightning fast. It takes only five hours to cook a roast. Farnsworth: Ooh, that's good news! You know, you really don't cook enough roasts, Leela. Women! Fry: Thank God I got you off that dangerous army base. Enos: You sure are the helpful type, stranger. Say, you got anything to eat in that there lunchbox? Ooh! Snacks! Bender: Hey! That's my brain! Enos: Damn! Them crackers cut my mouth up somethin' bad! Let's stop off for a malt. Enos: See that waitress there? Fry: Yowza! I know what I want for dessert! Enos: That's my fiancée, Mildred. Fry: Grandma Mildred? Uh, no dessert! Just coffee. Mildred: Okie-doke. And for you, Snuggums? Enos: Uh, I'll have a pie with a fried egg on top. Fry: She sure is pretty. You ought to marry her and father some children right away. Enos: Yeah, folks say that. But did you ever get the feeling you're only going with girls 'cause you're supposed to? Fry: What? Don't ever, ever say or think that again! Please! Just concentrate on staying alive. Fire! Look out! Oh! You almost got neutered. Enos: Well it ain't as bad as getting killed. Fry: For me it is! I'm getting you outta here! Enos: Ow! Fry: OK, we're in the middle of nowhere, which is the safest part of nowhere. Just stay put and enjoy this calendar. Fry: Safe and sound! Finally, I can continue to exist. Man #2: Three, two, one. Bender: And you are outta here! Mildred: What'll you folks have today? Farnsworth: I'll have the soylent green, with a slice of soylent orange and some soylent coleslaw. Mildred: Pardon? Leela: It's the 20th century, Professor. Farnsworth: Oh, right! I'll have a croque monsieur, the paella, two mutton pills and a stein of mead. Leela: I'll just have a small injection of Femislim. Mildred: Uh, two chilli dogs comin' up. Leela: Well, settle in. Without a microwave we're trapped in this time period. Farnsworth: Oh, Lord! We'll have to endure the horrible music of the Big Bopper and then the terrible tragedy of his death. Leela: Wait a second! There's a microwave radar dish at the army base. We could steal it! Farnsworth: No! That would alter history. Above all else, it is our sacred duty to preserve the past exactly as it was. Fry: Well, I killed my grandfather. Farnsworth: Wha? Leela: Wait. If you killed your grandfather, why do you still exist? Fry: I dunno. Maybe God loves me. Mildred: Killed? In an atomic blast? No, sir, I'm afraid I don't take much solace in the fact that the implosion trigger functioned perfectly. Fry: Aw. There, there. If it makes you feel any better, his body was vaporised so there's no chance of him coming back as a zombie. Mildred: I'm not worried about that. Fry: Then you're a braver woman than I. Mildred: You remind me of Enos. Would you mind walking me home? Fry: Uh, how far is it? General: Welcome to Roswell, President Truman. Truman: Fellas, this visit's top secret. No one's to know about it except the senior officers ... ... scientists ... ... and a single conspiracy nutter no one will believe. General: Mr. President, our men have assembled the parts from the alien ship into its original design. Truman: Whistling Dixie! I want this sent to Area 51 for study. General: But, sir, that's where we're building the fake moon landing set. Truman: Then we'll have to really land on the moon. Invent NASA and tell them to get off their fannies! Truman: If you come in peace, surrender or be destroyed. If you're here to make war, we surrender. Zoidberg: Both good. The important thing is I'm meeting new people. Truman: Bushwah! Now what's your mission? Are you planning to make some kind of alien-human hybrid? Zoidberg: Are you coming onto me? Truman: Hot crackers! I take exception to that! Zoidberg: I'm not hearing a no. Truman: Nerks to this space crab! If we want information, we'll have to do us an old-fashioned alien autopsy! Zoidberg: Hooray! Mildred: Every little thing reminds me of Enos. Fry: Aw, I know how you feel. My grandfather died recently. Mildred: It's all so sad. At times like this, I just need someone to hold me. Mmm. You like holding me, don't you? Fry: Hey, you know what always cheers you up? Baking me a nice tray of sugar cookies! Mildred: How 'bout these cookies, sugar? Fry: I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't even exist. But I do exist. Which proves ... you can't really be my grandm- Bender: Oh, my God! Farnsworth: What the hell have you done, Fry? Fry: Relax! She can't be my grandmother. I figured it all out. Farnsworth: Of course she's your grandmother, you perverted dope! Look! Mildred: Come back to bed, deary. Fry: It's impossible! I mean, if she's my grandmother, who's my grandfather? Farnsworth: Isn't it obvious? You are! Mildred: Did you say something, deary? I'm a bit hard of hearing. Pathologist #1: Commencing excavation of the subject's chest cavity. Zoidberg: And in this corner, Zoidberg! C'mon! Lighten up! What is this, a funeral? Pathologist #2: Heart. Zoidberg: Take, I've got four of them. Pathologist #1: Stomach contents One deviled egg. Zoidberg: Deviled egg? Pathologist #1: The same deviled egg. Leela: Snap out of it! Farnsworth: Start the ship, Leela. Let's just steal the damn radar dish and get back to our own time. Fry: But- But won't that change history? Farnsworth: Oh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr. I'm-My-Own-Grandpa! Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history! Conspiracy Nutter: UFO! UFO! Zoidberg: Hey, don't cut that! I need that to speak! Pathologist #2: Oh, my! Truman: Sweet Roosevelt's ghost! Leela: Hi-yah! Yah! Yah! Fry: Take this, Mr. President- Sir! Zoidberg: The President is gagging on my gas bladder! What an honour! Farnsworth: Huh, wha? Oh, right! Sergeant: Enos! Fry: He's dead! Sorry! Fry: Yay! Farnsworth: Choke on that, causality! Bender: 1947 can kiss my shiny metal- Fry: Turn around. We've gotta go back for Bender! Farnsworth: Impossible! The supernova time hole is closing! If we don't leave now, we'll never get back to the 31st century. Fry: Bender! Zoidberg: There! Good as new! Leela: Don't you need this one? Zoidberg: Oh, no! That's my- Gotcha! Fry: Oh, poor Bender. He must be so lonely right now, trapped a thousand years in the past. Hey! Wait a second! Leela: Anything? Fry: No. Wait! Bender: Ow! Stupid junk! Fry: He's alive! Bender, what was it like lying in that hole for a thousand years? Bender: I was enjoying it until you guys showed up. Farnsworth: Well, now everything is back as it was. And if history doesn't care that out degenerate friend Fry is his own grandfather then who are we to judge? Bender: Amen!

Leela: Space pirates! Fry: Space pirates? Leela: You know. Pirates, but in space. Pirate: Avast, mateys! Pirate: Electronically transfer your space doubloons, afore I send thee to Davey Jarg's locker! Bender: Hey! Keep it down, you kids! I'm trying to take a nap! Fry: Come on! Come on! Bender: Make Bender take a nap in a tube. Come back when I've had some sleep, baby! Leela: Fry to battlestations. Fire torpedo number three. Fry: Firing torpedo number three! Bender: Huh? What? Leela: That's not torpedo three. That's not torpedo three at all! Bender: Damn you, Fry and Lee- -la! Pirate: Too late do I realise that me children are me only real treasures. Bender: Help! Mechanical man overboard! Fry: Go after him, Leela! Leela: It's no use. We were going full speed when we fired him so he's going even faster than that. Fry: You mean we can never catch up to him? Not even if we rub the engine with cheetah blood? Leela: I don't know how to say this, Fry, but Bender is doomed to drift through space ... forever. Fry: He always wanted to drift forever, but through the American Southwest. Bender: I'm going too fast. I've gotta lose momentum. I'm gonna spend eternity alone with barely any swag. Ooh! Hey, universe, check out the dude with the Rolex! Wow! Ostentatious! Except what good is a candelabra without- Wait! I know! Ah, the pity. Fated to drift forever through the void as gravity's plaything. Oh, cruel fate, to be thusly boned. Ask not for whom the bone bones. It bones for thee. The only thing that keeps me sane is the thought that I have all eternity in which to perfect my art. Damn you! Bender: There! Now when I'm found in a million years people will know what the score was. Hey! what's bombarding me? Oh, no! An asteroid field. If even a pea-sized asteroid were to whiz through my skull it could- Ow! Hurt slightly! Well that was fun. Now for eons of loneliness. Bender: Huh? Shrimpkin Priest: Fellow Shrimpkins, behold him who hath taken us unto his breast. Bender: Holy frijoles! Shrimpkin Priest: All bow before the great Metal Lord! Bender: Worshippers? This ought to liven up my endless, tragic voyage. Shrimpkin Priest: All hail the Metal Lord! Shrimpkins: So hailed! Bender: Hmm. Those peewees think I'm God, huh? Hard to blame 'em! I am the Metal Lord. Who are you? Malachi: I am called Malachi, Lord. It means, um, "He who really loves the Metal Lord". Bender: Listen here, Malachi. Time for a religious donation. Hand over your wallet. Malachi: But, Lord, we are a poor and simple folk. Bender: Poor? Oh, crap. Malachi: Pity me not, for I am richened by the love of my family. Malachi'S Wife: What art thou doing, Malachi Jr.? Malachi Jr.: I'm practising to hug Daddy when he gets back from God. Mmm! Mmm! Bender: Eck! Gag unto me with a spoon! Malachi, it's high time I laid down a few commandments. You got a chisel? Take this down. Number one... Malachi: Behold The One Commandment. Bender: Make it a double! Fry: Can you find him, Professor? Farnsworth: No. I'm afraid the Smellescope isn't powerful enough. Bender's odour is so mild it's being overpowered by local sources. Zoidberg: Hooray! People are paying attention to me! Amy: Fry, we brought someone to cheer you up. Hermes: His name is Helper and he's eager to be your new best friend. Helper: Hello there, chum. I understand you miss your buddy. Have a pudding pop! Fry: No, thanks, I don't- Helper: Who wants to go to an amusement park? Fry: Well, I guess that sounds OK. Helper: Have a good time. Hey, I heard your friend Bender is back. Fry: What? Really? Helper: No. I just thought you would enjoy that for a moment. Bender: Ooh! Microbrewed! My guys did alright! I think I'll make my countenance to shine down upon them. Malachi, good work. There's no slowing down with the Metal Lord tonight. Malachi: Yes, tonight is kind of special. Bender: Wait a second. Did you rip off your own arm as a joke? Malachi: Nay. Like most of your followers, I was maimed while building the Great Brewery. Others died from the pestilent fumes it spewed forth. And, of course, the liquor industry attracted organised crime. Bender: It's all my fault. Malachi, tell thy people that the Lord is moved by their plight. Malachi'S Wife: Malachi Jr., no! Malachi Jr.: Daddy, I can't hold much longer. My arms are tired from hugging. Malachi: Save him! Save my son, oh Metal Lord! Bender: This looks like a job for God! What the- Malachi, what manner of deal is this with the chanting? Malachi: They saw you save my son. Now everyone is praying for their own miracles. Bender: Very well. What do they want? Malachi: The people of that village pray for wealth. Bender: Um, that was a practice miracle. Who's next? Malachi: The farmers pray for sunlight so their barley might make a more refreshing beer for today's God on the go. Bender: Very well. Let there be light. I got it! I got it! Um, when you're writing the Bible, you might want to omit that last miracle. Fry: He decided not to let go. I can't believe you're gone. I won't! If I can't reach you physically, I'll just have to try something desperate and crazy! Fry: So that's my story, Father Changstein el Gamahl. Is there anything religion can do to help me find my friend? Changstein El Gamahl: Well, we could join together in prayer. Fry: Uh-huh. But is there anything useful we can do? Changstein El Gamahl: No. Gypsy: Sure I hold séance, channel your friend, no problem. Insert coin. I am your friend, Bonder. Fry: Bonder? Is it really you? Gypsy: Yes. I am fine. Give the gypsy $10. Fry: Wait a minute! Bender's name isn't Bonder, it's Bender. You're a fraud! Gypsy: Look, you want false hope or not? Fry: Only if you don't have any real hope. Gypsy: Well, there is perhaps one way. Have you heard of the Monks of Dschubba? Fry: I've not heard of them. Gypsy: They are an ancient order that believes God exists somewhere in the depths of space. They have built the universe's most powerful radio telescope, high in the Himalayas, to search for him. Fry: You think they'd let me use it to look for Bender? Gypsy: What am I, psychic? I mean, yes! Yes, I'm-I'm sure they will. Yes. Malachi: Oh, Metal Lord, hear my prayer. Bender: Yes, Malachi, what is it this time? Malachi: My Lord, the infidels on your back no longer believe in you. They say their prayers go unheeded. Bender: Of course they're unheeded. How am I supposed to hear prayers coming out of my ass? Malachi: They talk of war against the faithful. I beseech thee. Rise up against them. Smite someone who deserves it for once. Bender: Malachi, every time I interfere, I only make things worse. You're best off solving your own problems. Malachi: But-But Metal Lord. Bender: What part of "nay" doesn't thou understand? Fry: Sir, I'm outfitting an expedition to a monastery high in the Himalayas. I'll need a long-sleeved coat. Leela: Look, I miss Bender almost half as much as you do but you can't bring him back this way. It's hopeless. Fry: You can't give up hope just because it's hopeless. You gotta hope even more and cover your ears and go "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!" I'd also like a pack mule. Salesman: At once, sir! Leela: Well, you obviously won't listen to reason, so I guess I'll listen to idiotic-ness and come with you. But we'll need a sherpa to guide us. Bender: Now that's one Bible that doesn't disappoint on every page! Looks like society's running pretty well without my meddling- Atomic bombs? Oh, no! Those unbelievers from my backside must have found my nuclear pile! Malachi: Fear not, my Lord. We shall be with you soon. Bender: You're with me now. This is the maximum level of being with me! Malachi: We will solve our own problems as you commanded. The time has come to convert the unbelievers. Bender: Convert them? Malachi: To radioactive vapour! Malachi Jr.: Look, Daddy! I'm hugging God. Mmm! Mmm! Maybe if I hug him real hard he'll save us from- Bender: No! Ooh! It tickles! Bender: Hello? Is anyone still alive? How about in the porno theatre? Don't be embarrassed. They're dead. All dead. Who would have known playing God could have such terrible consequences? Leela: Fry, if I drop dead from exhaustion, make sure my body freezes in a dignified position. None of that "huddled over for warmth" crap. Namgyal: Behold. The Monastery of Dschubba. I must leave you now for I am not holy enough to enter. Fry: OK. Leela: Looks rickety. We'd better test it. Female Voice: Welcome to our monastery. Please stand to one side to let faster pilgrims by. Bender: Hey! That galaxy's signalling in binary. I gotta signal back. But I only know enough binary to ask where the bathroom is. You speak English? Galaxy: I do now. Bender: What are you? Some kind of galactic computer? Galaxy: Possible. I am user friendly, my good chum. Bender: Who built you? Galaxy: I have always been. Bender: Oh, my God. Are you God? "God": Possible. I do feel compassion for all living things, my good chum. Bender: But why would God think in binary? Unless ... you're not God, but the remains of a computerised space probe that collided with God. "God": That seems probable. Monk #1: A member of our brotherhood sits at these controls every hour of every day, scanning the heavens for God. Monk #2: There he is! No. No, wait, no. Leela: How long have you been at it? Monk #1: 700 years. We've not yet examined one-ten-millionth of the sky. But we will go on until we find the Almighty, even if it takes till the end of time. Fry: And then what? Monk #1: Then we utter unto him a short prayer. You see, the telescope is also an amplifying transmitter. Leela: Sort of like a giant karaoke machine? Monk #1: Not really. Would you like to see our giant karaoke machine? Leela: Not really. Fry: Hmm. Finding God. That-That's important, yeah. But you know what might be a treat for everyone? If you let me use the telescope to find my lost friend, Bender. Monk #1: I don't know what to say, other than "absolutely not". Your loss is a tragedy but our work- Fry: Aw, come on! You guys have forever to look for God. All I'm asking is one measly lifetime to find my friend. Monk #2: He speaks out of love for his friend. Perhaps that love in his heart is God. Monk #1: Oh, how convenient! A theory about God that doesn't require looking through a telescope. Get back to work! Fry: That telescope is as much mine as anybody's. I'm using it whether you give me permission or not. Leela: Hi-yah! Your order may be famous for your martial arts, but I've never met a holy man I couldn't clobber. Monk #1: Actually, we only practise martial arts as a form of meditation. We are a strictly non-violent sect. Leela: Oh. Then get in the laundry room or I'll kick your butts! Monk #3: This is the worst crazy sect I've ever been in. Bender: So, do you know what I'm gonna do before I do it? "God": Yes. Bender: What if I do something different? "God": Then I don't know that. Bender: Cool! Cool! I bet a lot of people pray to you, huh? "God": Yes. But there are so many asking so much. After a while, you just sorta tune it out. Bender: Y'know, I was God once. "God": Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died. Bender: It was awful. I tried helping them, I tried not helping them but in the end I couldn't do them any good. Do you think what I did was wrong? "God": Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what you do. Bender: Yeah I know, that's why I asked if what I did- Forget it. "God": Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you. And if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch like a safecracker or a pickpocket. Bender: Or a guy who burns down the bar for the insurance money. "God": Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all. Bender: Does that mean you wouldn't send me back to Earth even if I prayed to you? "God": Earth? Which way is that? Bender: I don't know. Fry: Bender? Bender? Monk #2: Let us out! We cooked our shoes in the dryer and ate them. Now we're bored. Fry: Hello? Has anyone out there seen Bender? H.G. Blob: No! Quit asking. Leela: Fry, it's been three days. And even if you stay here the rest of your life, there is virtually no chance of finding him. It's time to give up. Fry: You're right. I'm never gonna see him again. I know he was evil and on more than one occasion he-he actually stole my blood. But still, I wish I had Bender back. "God": Huh? Bender: Huh? Wha? You say something? "God": No, no. Well, so long. Remember what we talked about. Bender: Hot, hot, hot, hot! Fry: Bender! It's a miracle! Ow! Leela: This is, by a wide margin, the least likely thing that has ever happened. Bender: Guys, you'll never believe what happened. First I was God, then I met God! Fry: We climbed a mountain and locked up some monks. Leela: Oh, no! The monks! We forgot to let them out of the laundry room. Fry: Do we have to? I mean, they're monks. I'm sure their God will let them out or at least give them more shoes to eat. Bender: Fat chance! You can't count on God for jack. He pretty much told me so himself. Now come on. If we don't save those monks, no one will! "God": When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

Man: Yes! Good thing I noticed the similar shapes. Hermes: Planet Express stockholders, I present our chief executive officer, Professor Hubert Farnsworth. Farnsworth: Oh! Amy: There he is! Hattie: Take it off! Farnsworth: Where am I? Hermes: Move forward. Walk into the light. Farnsworth: Oh, God, I'm dead! Well, no matter. Thank you all for coming. I don't recognise any of you, nor can I recall why I am here. Now, without further ado, a film highlighting Planet Express Inc.'s latest fiscal year. Narrator: Planet Express is on the move. For this hip, young delivery company, tomorrow is today and today is yesterday. You heard me. It was a year of soaring profits and significant one-time losses. Fry: Psst! Watching myself work is making me hungry. Help me find some food somewhere. Zoidberg: I'll not only help you find it, I'll help you do more to it! Fry: Ooh! A Bot Mitzvah. Shalom, hunger! Shalom, free food! Robot #1: No shellfish! Zoidberg: That is so unfair! Pig: Tell me about it. Fry: So what's the deal? You guys don't believe in Robot Jesus? Rabbi-Bot: We believe he was built and that he was a very well programmed robot. But he wasn't our Messiah. Narrator: And so our company flames onwards. Planet Express Limitless potential, boundless horizons, the unstoppable juggernaut of the corporate universe. Hermes: It's been a terrible year, people. The company is on the verge of bankruptcy. Leela: But the movie- Hermes: Was a substantial loss for the company. The blue slice represents the money we earned from shipping packages, while the green slice represents an $8 bank error in our favour. Leela: This toads the wet sprocket. What about out thousands of shares of stock? Hermes: Worthless. Bender: I'll kill you! Hattie: I own one share of Planet kajiggers so I'm entitled to some answers. Question 1 Why does no one visit me in my home? Farnsworth: 'Cause your apartment smells like Polygrip and cat pee. Fry: This is perfect for me. Zoidberg: Question Do you have to have been cryogenically frozen to get the free- You didn't let me finish. I was going to say "to get the free food". Joe: My name's Joe and I'm a defrostee. All: Hello, Joe. Joe: When I was frozen, giant carrots ruled the Earth, but now they don't. It takes some getting used to. Steve Castle: Back in the 1980's, I was the toast of Wall Street. I was having whiskey with Boesky and cookies with Milken. But then, I was diagnosed with terminal boneitis. Fry: Boneitis? Pft! That's a funny name for a horrible disease. Steve Castle: There was no cure at the time. One drug company was close but I arranged a hostile takeover and sold off all the assets. Made a cool hundred mil. Naturally I froze myself until a cure was found. Now here I am, ready to sleaze my way back to the top, 80's style! Caveman: As a caveman frozen in a glacier, I face different challenges. The hardest thing was seeing my wife on display in the British Museum. Fry: Hey, buddy, I'm from the same time as you. Remember that song, Safety Dance? Steve Castle: Sure do! We can dance! Fry: Y'know, that dance wasn't as safe as they said it was. Steve Castle: I tell you Two go-go 80's Reagan-auts like us, we could rule this world! Fry: No question! Steve Castle: If only someone would give us a shot. Fry: They're scared of our raw power. Oh, but if you want a job, I could beg everyone at the company where I work. Steve Castle: Awesome. Awesome to the max! Hermes: And finally, the post office meter is for business mail only. Bender: Aw, come on! I've got a lot of ransom notes to send! Hattie: Enough talk. It's time for action. I move that everyone come to my apartment to snuggle my cat. Scruffy: Second. Farnsworth: I move that your cat stinks and is ugly. Scruffy: Second. Hattie: I move that we vote on a new chief executive officer and oust this old creep. And also that make cat smells good and is pretty. Scruffy: Second. Hermes: Very well. I nominate the Professor. Amy: Second. Leela: Second. Bender: Second. Farnsworth: I'm your man. Leela: I vote my 10,000 shares for the Professor. Hermes: Yeah, the Professor! Farnsworth: Me! Fry: I nominate That Guy. Not just because he has a suit but because he knows about business and stuff and he has a tie. My shares still count if they went through the washing machine, right? Hermes: Well, if I know anything about which number is bigger than the other number, I'd say that- Scruffy: Now hold on there. Scruffy votes his 40,000 shares for the mysterious stranger. Leela: 40,000? How come you have four-times as much stock as the rest of us? Scruffy: Scruffy believes in this company. Hermes: Then we have a tie. And in the event of a tie, the Professor, as the current CEO remains- Hattie: I demand the floor. I may only have one share but I get to vote same as anyone. And I'm voting against the cat-hater. Isn't that right, kitty? Hey! You ate my change! Hermes: Then it's settled. The new chief executive officer of Planet Express corporation is That Guy. Hermes: Please welcome our new chief executive officer, That Guy. Steve Castle: Let's cut to the chase. There are two kinds of people Sheep and sharks. Anyone who's a sheep is fired. Who's a sheep? Zoidberg: Uh, excuse me? Which is the one people like to hug? Steve Castle: Gutsy question. You're a shark. Sharks are winners and they don't look back 'cause they don't have necks. Necks are for sheep. I am proud to be the shepherd of this herd of sharks and I am gonna lead you to the top in this industry of ... of- Fry: Package delivery. Steve Castle: Package delivery? Oh, God! Fantastic! Now, the first order of business is to blame everything on the guy before me. Professor? Farnsworth: I'll ruin you like I ruined this company. Steve Castle: Terrific. Question number one What was your overall business plan? Farnsworth: Um, business plan, uh, yes. I keep it here, right next to my heart. Steve Castle: This isn't a business plan, it's an escape plan. Farnsworth: So long, suckers! Steve Castle: Fry, as a fellow 80's dollar-jockey, I'm making you my new vice chairman. Fry: I'm rollin' up the corporate ramp. Zoidberg: It's the end of the line! Hermes: We're ruined! Scruffy: What fevered dream is this that bids to tear this company in twain? Monster: Thank you, come again! Steve Castle: That's what I call a hostile makeover! Hair gel? Fry: No, thanks. I make my own. Steve Castle: This company's gonna shoot straight to the top and stay there, like Cindy Lauper! I ask you Who is the number one delivery service on Earth? Zoidberg: Is it Planet Express, master? Steve Castle: Is this guy a shark, or what? Seriously though, we stink out loud. Here's the big enchirito. Mom's Friendly Delivery Company. Hermes: We can't compete with Mom! Her company is big and evil. Ours is small and neutral. Steve Castle: Switzerland is small and neutral. We're more like Germany; ambitious and misunderstood. Amy: Look, everyone wants to be like Germany but do we really have the pure strength of will? Steve Castle: I say we do! Now are we gonna let ourselves get beaten by an old lady? Zoidberg: Yes, my liege! Fry: No, we're not. And as vice chairman, I believe I speak for the entire board when I issue this challenge to Mom. Look at my butt! Mom: You call that a pressed ham? Walt, hit the retaliate button. Walt: Uh ... um ... hmm ... let's see. Mom: Any button! They all retaliate! Fry: Woo! Yeah! Hit him, hit him, hit him! Now this is the high life; watching apes mangle each other near celebrities. Steve Castle: In my day we went to coke parties but the principle's the same. Calculon: Get your stinkin' trike off me, you damn dirty ape. Steve Castle: Listen, big guy, now that you're my protégé, it's time I cut you in on the secret to success. Any guesses? Fry: Uh, work really, really hard? Steve Castle: No. Fry: Oh, thank God! Steve Castle: It's all about appearances. That's why it's time to update our company's stodgy image and give it the sleek, dazzling veneer of the 1980's! Fry: This company's on the fast track to the "It" list. Blast back kudos all around! Leela: Uh, hello? We haven't made one delivery since you two took over. Steve Castle: Delivery has nothing to do with the delivery business. Image, people, image! Scope out this new ad! Mom: We are all one, with one mind, one purpose and one act. Our enemies shall be eaten by squirrels. We shall bow down and worship to ourselves. We shall prevail! Man: Hey! We were watching that! Leela: That was terrible! People won't even know what we do. Bender: I don't even know what we do. Nah, just kidding! What are, like, a bus or something? Leela: Did you approve that awful ad, Fry? Fry: Yes I did, Leels. And I'll tell you why. Because it grows the brand. Leela: Oh, Lord! Zoidberg: This company's circling the drain, I tell you. I'd sell my stock right now for a sandwich! Steve Castle: Sold! Zoidberg: A complete sangwich? You got fleeced! I would have settled for a hard roll with ketchup inside! Mom: What is this moose drip? The new delivery kings? I'm sick of hearing about those turtle squirts! Igner: But they're kings, Mommy! Mom: Jam a bastard in it, you crap! Elzar: Enjoy our private dining room, folks. This is where we serve our richest, most successful chumps! Fry: Tonight, that's us! Steve Castle: What have you got that's really overpriced? Elzar: Everything. Steve Castle: Bring me that. Fry: Make it two. And a glass of all your water. Steve Castle: OK, let's work on your execu-speak. I'm worried about "blank". Fry: Don't you worry about "blank". Let me worry about "blank". Steve Castle: Good. I also would have accepted, "Blank? Blank? You're not looking at the big picture!" Fry: What a pleasant surprise! Mom: Shut up, booger blaster! It's time the three of us had a talk. Steve Castle: I'll handle this, Fry. You get back to the farm, shift some paradigms, revolutionise outside the box. Fry: I'm on it. But if you need me, you know where I'll be. Fry: Call me a "booger blaster"! I'll blast a booger so hard that- Leela: Fry, we're worried about Planet Express. Fry: Don't you worry about Planet Express. Let me worry about "blank". Hermes: That Guy is nothing but a flashy con man! And you've been hypnotised by his swinging baloney! Leela: You've changed, Fry. Fry: What? I haven't changed. Suz? Have I changed? Suz: No, sir, Mr. Fry. Fry: Thanks, doll. Leela: I don't care what Ms. Johnson says. That Guy's turning this place into some kind of business. Farnsworth: This isn't a business. I've always thought of it more as a source of cheap labour, like a family. Fry: You're right, Professor. We might not be a traditional family like the Murphy's next door or the lesbian coven across the street. But we are a family and That Guy understands that. Steve Castle: Everyone's fired and we're out of business. Amy: Oh, no! Hermes: How? Steve Castle: I'm gonna sell Planet Express to Mom so she can gut the company and eliminate us as competitors. Mom: Don't let the door hit you on the way out, 'cause I don't want ass prints on my new door! Fry: Uh, Ms. Johnson? Please bring in some more chair fuel. Fry: I had no idea the company would be sold. I was just an innocent suck-up. You've gotta believe me! Leela: Just leave us alone and let us clear out our lockers. Bender: Yeah! Amy: It's so sad, where will I go? What will I do? Lackey: You have Mrs. Darlinghaven's cotillion at 7, ma'am. Amy: Oh. That'll be fun. Fry: Ms. Johnson, you've never lied to me. Am I still a good person? Suz: I don't know, sir. I'm a program built into the intercom. Fry: I've got to redeem myself. Somehow, sometime, for some reason. I'll block this takeover! Suz: Mr. Fry, your two o'clock magician is here. Fry: Believe it or not, I have more important things to do today than laugh and clap my hands. Reschedule. Broker-Bot #1: Sell 100 soylent beans! Broker-Bot #2: Buy 3,000 cornbellies! Broker-Bot #3: 200 canned whoop-ass! Broker-Bot #1: Three big bags of trash! Jor-El: Attention, please. The takeover of PlanEx Corp. by Mom's Delivery Company will take place in the business centre in 10 minutes. I am Jor-El, master of scheduling! Steve Castle: OK. We've got the hot tub hot, the wine cooler's cool. It's Hammer time! Bender: You suck! Mom: According to regulations, both companies must approve the takeover. Planet Express shareholders, cast your votes. Hermes: Great Bonda of Uganda! We can vote against it! Bender: I'll vote it down like a raise for school teachers! Bender: What the-? Hattie: How the-? Amy: Oh, no! Steve Castle: I neglected to mention that the shares I bought from Dr. Zoidberg gave me majority control. Leela: Zoidberg owned 51% of the company? Hermes: The shares were worthless and he kept asking for toilet paper. Mom: And now if Momcorp shareholders will cast their ballots. Igner: Um ... uh... Uh, the ballot was confusing. Mom: How about a hand recount? Igner: OK. Ow! Mom: The takeover of Planet Express is approved. Amy: This stinks! Lackey: Madam is outraged. Steve Castle: Security, I want that bunch of rowdies outta here. Bender: Hold on a minute! Scruffy: Hey! Hey! Mom: Momcorp will now purchase all outstanding shares of Planet Express at the current market price, which is Jor-El: 107. Bender: Ow! And also it hurt my feelings! Horrible Gelatinous Stockbroker: What are you solids griping about? Your shares are worth $107 apiece. Leela: They are? Oh, my God! I'm a millionaire! Suddenly I have an opinion about that capital gains tax! Bender: Yeah! Alright! Amy: I'm even richer! Zoidberg: Oh! I have no shares! Wait! My sangwich! Has it also appreciated in value? Please, oh, please! Hermes: You didn't even refrigerate it, you spineless lobster! Zoidberg: You had to drag spines into this! Fry: As vice chairman of Planet Express, I'd like to say a few words. There comes a time for every man who becomes rich and deserts his friends, when he goes back how it was. For me, that time is now. Fry: So I ask you, as a friend, won't you stop this deal? Steve Castle: Fry, I'm an 80's guy. Friendship to me means that for two bucks I'd beat you with a pool cue till you got detached retinas. The deal will go ahead as- My bones! Fry: Oh, my God! His boneitis! Steve Castle: I was so busy being an 80's guy, I forgot to cure it. My only regret is ... that I have ... boneitis! Fry: He's dead. Mom: Pry out his fillings, feed him to the jackals and let's get on with the sale. Fry: I don't think so. 'Cause, as vice chairman of the company, I gain voting control of his shares. Mom: Don't be a fool, you idiot! Fry: I'll be whatever I wanna do! That Guy was the greatest businessman that ever lived. And before his mysterious death, he taught me everything he knew. But some things I had to learn myself. I learned that money is fine but in the end what counts is people ... ... people you love. You can't put a price on that. So I'm giving up control of the company ... ... to a man of enormous experience ... ... Professor ... ... Hubert Farnsworth. Farnsworth: Oh, uh, what? I'm awake, I'm awake! Bender: Fry! Stop doing the right thing, you jerk! Leela: Let Mom buy the company! We all wanna be filthy, stinking rich! Zoidberg: Trust me, two out of three doesn't cut it! Fry: You mean you'd rather be rich than work together? Leela: Hell, yeah! Fry: In my whole life, this company was the only place I'd ever really felt at home. If being millionaires is more important to you than our- Bender: It is! Fry: Friendship, then I'll sell Planet Express, for you. Hattie: "Millionaires" nothing! The stock's only worth three kajiggers! Bender: Oh, come on! Hermes: My Jah! It's worth less now than when it was worthless! Fry: It is? Yahoo! We're poor no matter what I do! The deal is off! Zoidberg: Aha! Once again the conservative sangwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor! Oh! I'm ruined. Why? Why? Fry: Look, so we're not millionaires. At least we all still get to work together. Bender: Shut your fat mouth! Fry: See you guys Monday!

Morbo: Welcome back. Our next guest has been teaching the world to cook for over 20 years. But apparently my, uh, wife hasn't been listening. Linda: Oh, funny! Morbo: I will destroy her! And now, extend a formulaic greeting to master chef Elzar. So, uh, Elzar, what will you be cooking for Morbo to devour with his mighty jaws? Elzar: Morbo, I'm gonna whip you up a nice, unnameable horror from beyond, with mango chutney. Morbo: Pathetic humans, prepare to write down the recipe! Fry: Hey, uh, what's with all the pots and pans? You building a wife? Bender: Part of one. Meantime, I'm cooking up a tasty Sunday brunch for my best friends. Fry: Brunch. Right. I'd better warn- tell- warntell the others! Bender: Okey-dokey! Hermes: Ooh! Leela: Nice! Farnsworth: Yes, it's a perfect scale model of the universe's largest bottle. I put a tiny spaceship inside to keep it from being boring. Zoidberg: Oh! Farnsworth: Get-! For the last time, Zoidberg, look with your eyes, not with your claws. Fry: Brace yourselves. Bender is making us brunch. Zoidberg: Oh, boy! Farnsworth: Oh, God! My tract! Fry: He's so proud of his awful cooking. If we don't eat it he'll be crushed. Leela: Alright, don't panic. If we can get to the ship, we can fly north and hide under the polar icecaps for a few weeks. Fry: Hurry! Farnsworth: Good idea! Zoidberg: What's the hold-up? Bender: Fleeing somewhere? Fry: With you blocking the only escape route? Don't be silly. Bender: In that case brunch is served! Let's go! Move it out! Stop crying, Leela! Farnsworth: Zoidberg, are you coming? Zoidberg: Sure. Me. Farnsworth: Because I don't want you touching that thing. Zoidberg: I know that. Surrender your mysteries to Zoidberg! Oh, no! Professor will hit me. But if Zoidberg fixes it, then perhaps gifts! Ow! What? Oh! Bender: Today, I've personalised each of your meals. For example, Amy, you're cute, so I baked you a pony. Come on! Eat! I slaved all day over a filthy stove. Hermes: This is terrible! Farnsworth: Good thing I secretly installed this wormhole in the table. Amy: Where does the other end come out? Farnsworth: You know, I'm not quite sure. Oh, dear me! Bender: The pie is ready. You guys like swarms of things, right? Zoidberg: Casual hello. It's me, Zoidberg. Act naturally. Ow! Ouch! Get off of me! Stop! Leela: How interesting, Dr. Zoidberg. Do go on. Bender: Hey, check out the palm tree! It only gets sick when I cook brunch! How's that for a coincidence, Professor? With all your precious science! Fry: Man, I don't wanna hurt Bender's feelings... Fry: But this food actually tastes better as vomit! Leela: It's unbearable! How much do you think it would cost to get my tongue removed? Bender: And this time I mean it. Bender: Aw, who am I kidding? It was stupid of me to ever dream of becoming a chef. I don't have what it takes and nothing can change that. Then it's settled! Elzar will teach me to cook! Elzar: Absolutely not. Bender: But I watch your show. You owe me! Elzar: I owe you nothing! For starter's, your antenna's in my crotch. Also, I hate you. Finally, you can't cook for squat. Bender: What was the first one again? Elzar: I hate you. Bender: I thought that was number two. Elzar: I knocked it up a notch. Bam! Zoidberg: Aw, I'll never recombobulate this ship! When the Professor finds out, he'll tear me a new cloaca. Wait! What would the robot do? Frame someone! Fry: What up? Fry: I'm walking on sunshine! Sunshine! Bender: It's over! My dream of being a chef is deader than the cat I'm sitting on! Dandy Jim: Gus, old chum, let's give a friendly welcome to this new robo. Bender: What did you call me? Gus: A robo. You know? A robot-hobo. Bender: Oh, OK. I thought you said "romo". Dandy Jim: No offence intended, my filthy friend. In fact, why not join us and ride the space rails? Gus: Get ready. We's gonna jump off at that switching prism up ahead. Dandy Jim: We're going nearly the speed of light so, uh, roll when you land. Bender: Ow. Gus: Welcome to Bumbase Alpha, the biggest hobo jungle in the quadrant. Bender: I've seen bigger. Oh, wait, I'm thinking of Eugene, Oregon. Wait. A pie with hobo-lifting aroma? Who baked it? Gus: Helmut Spargle. He used to be the greatest chef ever. Dandy Jim: His restaurant was so high-toned, the only way to get reservations was to create a parallel universe where you already had reservations. Gus: Yep. I once ate there back when I what was a senator. Bender: Yo, Spargle. If you're such a great cook, how'd you end up in this dump? Spargle: Ages ago I was the host of a TV show... Spargle: Down Home Country Kitchen Mit Helmut Spargle. But one day the extreme soda company that sponsored the show decided it was too old-fashioned. Man: Spargle, you're fired! We need a chef who can attract today's younger more extreme cooking show viewer. Spargle: Elzar! Elzar: Get lost, old man! Bam! Spargle: Mein soufflé! Spargle: Elzar had been seduced by the dark side of cooking. Cilantro, mango salsa, raspberry vinaigrette! Bender: That twizzler! Spargle: As for me, I went temporarily insane and vound up here, making pies out of shoes. Bender: My story's a lot like yours only more interesting 'cause it involves robots. That jerk Elzar ruined my dream of being a chef too. Spargle: Interesting. You wish to become a cook, but as a robot you have no sense of taste. Bender: It's so unfair! I have eight other senses, but I'd trade them all, even smission, to be able to taste. Spargle: You don't understand. Without the distraction of taste, your mind is free to touch the Zen of pure flavour. You could become the greatest chef ever. Bender: I could? Spargle: Yes. Just as Beethoven was a great composer because he was deaf. Bender: Or like how Rembrandt was blind and had wooden hands. Spargle: Bender, hear me well. I shall train you. But first, you must forget everything you know about cooking. Bender: Done. Farnsworth: That's right, Ricardo. A ship in a bottle! What's that? Well hang on, I'll look. Ricardo: Ola? Professor? Qué pasa? Farnsworth: I've gathered you all here in the accusing parlour because one of you is a miniature ship wrecker. Zoidberg: I'm acting astonished. Farnsworth: Certain clues suggest that the culprit is none other than our own ... Philip J. Fry! Fry: What? Farnsworth: Oh, it was a brilliant scheme. But you made one fatal mistake ... leaving this confession note. Zoidberg: Fry, you scoundrel! Fry: Well, I don't remember any of that but I don't have the wherewithal to defend myself. Farnsworth: Then I have no choice but to charge you the full cost of the materials $10. Fry: There you go. Zoidberg: What have I done? Spargle: Your training is complete, little dessert spoon. Now, just as the man who wishes to be world chess champion must win at least one game of chess, so must you serve at least one edible meal. Succeed and I shall reveal to you the age-old secret of perfect flavour. Gus: Ooh, yeah! Bender: Slop's on! Gus: Fine lookin' eats! Spargle: It is ... acceptable. Bender: Yahoo! Another thing I'm great at! Wait. Why'd you stop eating, master? Spargle: Because ... my stomach is about to explode. Bender: What? My dinner killed you? Oh, man! Spargle: Oh, it hurts. But don't lose confidence. The important thing is that you defeat Elzar after I am gone. And using this, you cannot fail. Bender: A diamond vial of Mrs. Dash? Spargle: No. It is the essence of pure flavour. A few drops will cause the inner perfection of any dish to blossom forth. Oh! There goes my ... life. Bender: I'll avenge you, master. I swear, in the presence of these drunken bums, that I shall defeat Elzar! Gus: Oh, I'm not drunk, I'm mentally ill. But I likes what what you said! Bender: Elzar, I'm a walking pile of your unfinished business! Elzar: Why, you- Bender: Helmut Spargle has a message for you. He says "Ooh, I'm dead!" Elzar: Spargle, huh? What he do, bland himself to death? Bender: No. He was eating some food I made and by a crazy coincidence his stomach exploded. Now I'm here to avenge him. Elzar: OK, but it seems like you're the one who killed him. Bender: Maybe so but you are his sworn enemy. I challenge you to a battle of the chefs. Customer: Scandalous! Elzar: Very well. We'll meet on the ancient televised battleground of Kitchen Coliseum. Whosever meal is best will claim the title of Iron Cook. Bender: Iron Cook, eh? I can't lose. I'm 30% iron! You're going down! Uh, also I had a reservation for one, under "Dr. Bender". Hiroki: Please welcome the superintendent of Kitchen Coliseum, Chairman Koji! No robot chef has ever competed here but today one has barged his way in to challenge for the title of... Koji: Iron Cookuru! Fry: Yeah! You show 'em! Hiroki: Let's meet today's celebrity judges Captain of the Harlem Globetrotters, Ethan Bubblegum Tate. Tate: Konnichiwa, brother! Hiroki: TV anchor-monster, Morbo. Morbo: Greetings, pathetic host. Hiroki: And a woman who ended a thousand-year galactic war with her apple dandies, Martha Stewart's head. Stewart: The secret is fresh pork. Hiroki: And now, Chairman Koji will present the theme ingredient to be used in every dish today. Bender: If it's chicken, chicken c la king; if it's fish, fish à la king; if it's turkey, fish à la king. Koji: Soylent Greuu! Hiroki: Soylent Green, a classic ingredient of gourmet cooking. And the battle is on. Aki, what's Elzar making? Aki: Well, Hiroki-san, when I asked him, he asked what business it was of mine and conjectured that my mother was a prostitute. Stewart: In the English countryside many prostitutes decorate their rooms with festive gourds. Female Announcer: 30 minutes to go. Hiroki: Look at Bender roll that dough! Tate: I've never seen such confident, powerful strokes of the ass! Stewart: You've never seen mine! Tate: No, I haven't! Female Announcer: Fifteen minutes remaining. Hiroki: The iron cook is bringing in his signature creation, a working pastry replica of downtown Venice. Man: Commemorative turkey basters. Get your commemorative turkey basters. Fry: Yo, hook me up. My turkey is dry and I've tried everything. Oh, right. Never mind. Zoidberg: Oh, the guilt! The unbearable guilt! Female Announcer: Fifteen seconds. Elzar: Bam! Female Announcer: Ten seconds. Bender: Master Spargle, if you can hear me up there in that ditch where I left you, this is for you. Koji: Time uperuu! Hiroki: The iron cook Neptunian has gone all out to please the judges. He's even garnished the salad with $100 bills. Let's see what they think. Tate: Mmm. Soylent green is my kind of people! Morbo: Scrumptious. Morbo will store this in his sack for future digestion. Stewart: I'm swimming in my own soylent waste. It's a good thing. Hiroki: Next up, challenger Bender. A student of the legendary Helmut Spargle, Bender is some sort of wonderful mechanical man. Stewart: Ooh, delicious! Tate: This food looks kind of funky, but it tastes kind of fun-kay! Morbo: The challenger's ugly food has shown us that even hideous things can be sweet on the inside. Hiroki: And now, judgement. The winner will become the new iron cook, the loser is doomed to scrub. Whose confection will achieve perfection? Whose foodstuff will be the good stuff? Koji: Challengeruu Benderuu! Fry: Yay! Farnsworth: That's my robot! I own him! Bender: You honour me, Chairman Koji. Koji: Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. Bender: Chairman-san, I came here with one goal To humiliate Elzar in a large stadium. I believe I've done that. Elzar: No question. Bender: But the true Zen of flavour is not found in a coliseum. It is found in a small kitchen, with friends. That is why I decline the title of Iron Cook and accept only the lesser title of "Zinc Saucier", which I just made up. Also, it comes with double prize money. Zoidberg: Wait! Everyone must know I broke the Professor's bottled ship. And what is worse, I framed my dearest friend, Fry! I can never repay him his ten dollars, so I must take the only honourable path. What the killing myself. Here I go, already. Huh? Koji: Oh! That sword cost 5000 dolluu! Zoidberg: Fry did it! Bender: And that's how I defeated Elzar, thanks to Spargle's magic liquid. Leela: Yes, we were there. And we just finished watching it again on TV. Farnsworth: Hmm. Let me see that vial, Bender. Good Lord! According to the spectrolizer, Spargle's magic ingredient was ... water. Ordinary water! Hermes: No! Fry: Ah, so the real gift Spargle gave you was confidence. The confidence to be your best. Farnsworth: Yes, ordinary water. Laced with nothing more than a few spoonfuls of LSD. Bender: The important thing is, by my standards, I won fair and square. Now, who wants brunch? Cooked with plenty of ... "confidence"? Leela: I'm in! Farnsworth: I do!

Amy: Shman! The Great Rad Spot is mega-sweet for party-boarding. Farnsworth: Indeed. Amy: Any calls while I was out? Leela: Yeah. You got a tele-sonic transmission from Kif a couple hours ago. Amy: My Kiffie called? Kif? Kif: Ooh, Amy, you're back. Another hour and I would have thought about hanging up. Amy: Why didn't you just leave a message, sweetie? Kif: Well, um, I've left hundreds of messages with your answering machine but you never seem to get them. Amy: Bender! Bender: Not my fault if you don't check me! Messages erased. Kif: Oh, dearest, this long-distance relationship is too much to bear. When even an inch separates us, I quiver with misery. So you can imagine how I feel when it's a billion light years. Amy: Kif, don't cry, or you'll get a tummy ache. Zapp: Lieutenant, some things came off me and clogged the drain, so if you could- Oh, ho! What's this? Zapp: Well, well, well! Do my eyes believe me or is that my bosom-y swan, Leela? Leela: Say again. You're breaking up! Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! You'll be delivering pain medicine to the hive mind of Nigel 7. Scruffy: Scruffy's rollin' out a large pill! Amy: You're going to Nigel 7? Kif's on patrol near there. You could drop me off on the way. Farnsworth: We could but we won't! It's a spaceship, damnit, not a prom limousine! If anyone needs me I'll be in the Angry Dome. Leela: This is a very long trip. So we'll all have to go into hibernative-naptosis to save oxygen. Bender: I don't even breathe oxygen! Amy: Here I come, Kif! Zapp: They jumped right out of their pants! Oh, what now? Activate glass window. Kif, I'm sensing a very sensual disturbance in the force. Prepare for ship-to-ship intimacy! Kif: Yes, sir, captain! Zapp: How 'bout I help you finish that dream you were having about me? Leela: OK. I was just at this part Yah! Zapp: Uh, let's try that a little lower and a lot softer! Kif: Imagine you stowing away and stealing a licensed starship! Oh, it's so romantic it gives me the shivers! Amy: I don't care how much trouble I get in. I needed to feel my lips pressed against your lipless beak. Kif: Oh, Amy, I can't stand having a whole universe between us. I've been thinking a lot about this and, well, would you move in with me? Amy: Here? But, uh, wouldn't it be crowded? Kif: No, no! It's really twice the size. You can use the floor and I'll have the ceiling. See? Amy: Kif! You have so much creativity and niceness, but I'm not ... ... sure if I- Kif: Hush! Before you answer, come thither. Kif: This is the Holo-Shed. It can simulate anything you desire, and nothing can hurt you. Except when it malfunctions and the holograms become real. Amy: Well, that probably won't happen this time. Kif: I wanted to show you what life would be like if we were together. Computer Run program "Kif 1". Amy: This is so beautiful! Spirit! Kif, that's the pony I always wanted but my parents said I had too many ponies already. Kif: Yes, I programmed it in for you. 4 million lines of BASIC! And if this isn't the life you want, how 'bout this? Run program "Kif 2". Amy: Oh, Kif! Kif: We could live here at the shore of the Tranquilibrius Sea in a timeshare. And I would pluck the moon from the sky just to see you smile. Almost got it. It seems to be ... sort of ... stuck! I love you! Run program "Kif //3". Amy: This isn't bad. My aunt had a place like this. Kif: Amy, we could live in a bus station bathroom for all I care. As long as we're together, it'll feel like a castle to me. Amy: Kif, I'd love to live with you ... someday. But before then there's still lots I wanna do on my own. What was that? Kif: Oh, dear. I fear the Holo-Shed might be broken again. Well, as long as we don't cross paths with Attila the- Amy: Look! Spirit! Kif: And there's Professor Moriarty, Jack the Ripper, Evil Lincoln! Moriarty: Right-oh, gents, it's another simulation gone mad, so murder and mayhem, standard procedure! Jack The Ripper: Rampage! Evil Lincoln: Real holographic-simulated Evil Lincoln is back! Kif: The Holo-Shed's on the fritz again! The characters turned real! Zapp: Damn. The last time that happened I got slapped with three paternity suits. Listen up, history's greatest villains... Get back into the Holo-Shed before I start blasting! Attila The Hun: Stop! Don't shoot fire stick in space canoe! Cause explosive decompression! Zapp: Spare me your space-age techno-babble, Attila the Hun! Bender: Hey! Amy: Kif! Hold on! Kif: I totally want to! Leela: Grab on! Fry: Over here! Kif: Please hold me! Bender: Have a good one! Oh, man! Zapp: After all that I could use some relaxation. I'll be in the Holo-Shed. Mcgee: Well, except for a few broken bones, some internal haemorrhaging and a partially barfed-up heart, everyone appears fine. Oh, and Kif is pregnant. Kif: Oh, joy! Kif: Amy, isn't it wonderful? I'm pregnant! Amy: Yes it's ... great. A great miracle. Leela: And not one of those bogus everyday miracles like a sunrise. Aren't you a male? Bender: Yeah, what's the deal? Just when I thought I'd figured out you biological creatures, it's something else! Lemme at 'im! Come over here, Kif! You- Zapp: Look, I'm sure we're all a little unclear on how anyone gets pregnant. So, Kif, pray explain. And don't spare the dirty words where appropriate. Kif: Well, it's quite simple really. When one of my species experiences deep feelings of love we enter a so-called "receptive state". Zapp: You disgust me! Go on. Kif: At that point, our skin becomes a semi-permeable membrane, which allows the passage of genetic material. I held Amy's hand and voilà. Bender: Well, OK. But that better be all there is! Kif: Oh, Amy! You'll be a mother! Kif: What a wondrous affirmation of our love. And all from the touch of your hand. Fry: Dude, hold up. Remember when Zapp blew a hole in the ship? Evil Lincoln: Indeed. Fry: Kif touched everybody there. Couldn't any one of us be the mother? Amy: Hey, yeah! I mean ... what about that, Kif? Kif: Well, I suppose I might have gotten pregnant that way. Or even from a toilet seat. Though that's impossible since I have a private washroom. Zapp: Ah, my home away from home. By the way, Kif, your flush seemed to be set on stun, not kill. Amy: Look, Kif, I probably am the mother. Although maybe I'm not. Of course, I hope I am. But just in case I'm not, maybe we should have a test. Bender: A test! I demand a test! Farnsworth: Even I laughed at me when I built this alien cross-species genetic analyser. But I guess I showed myself! Subjects, please enter the chamber. Now to take a DNA sample. When I pull this switch, the maternifuge will spin at 10,000 RPM, separating out everyone who isn't the mother- Father- Whatever! Bender: Faster! Faster! Farnsworth: Good. Fry's ejection indicates that he is not the man-mom. Nor is Captain Brannigan. Kif: Oh, thank you, merciful God! Farnsworth: Zoidberg? What the hell were you doing in there? Zoidberg: That's where I live. I have no home. Kif: Amy? But that means- Kif: Leela must have impregnated me when she grabbed my ungloved hand. That explains the poster in hygiene class "No Glove, No Love". Leela: Wow, this is all so confusing. Zapp: Leela! How could you? Our love has had to endure your constant hatred, and now this? Stop testing our love! Kif: Please, Captain. I thank Leela for the DNA she gave me but, in my species, the true parent is the one who inspired the initial feeling of love. We call that person the "smizmar". And my smizmar is Amy. Zapp: So the toilet seat is like the uncle or something? Leela: Sorry I got your boyfriend pregnant. Amy: That's OK. At least Kif's baby shower should be fun. I'd better put it on my calendar. Thursday Baby shower, enter. Might as well plan for my new life while I'm at it. Set "Motherhood Mode". Leela: To motherhood. Bender: Zoidberg? Fry: You know, my face was stuck in a pizza. Amy: Mom, Dad, I know this is weird but- Mrs. Wong: Yeah, yeah. We don't care how squishy alien get pregnant. All we care is that we have grandchild now. Kif: You're very open-minded, Mrs. Wong. Mr. Wong: Hey! You call her "Grandma" now! Mrs. Wong: Call me Grandma like crazy! All the time! Fry: Check it out, y'all. Everyone we invited is here. Zoidberg: Also Zoidberg! Fry: So let's open the gifts. Bender: Alright! Kif: I can't wait! Let's start with this one, from Bender. Bender: It's my booties from when I was a kid. Amy: Uh, they're already bronzed. Bender: They are bronze. Kif: And this one's from Leela. Oh, I just love the bow! I wonder what it is! Zapp: Yes, I wonder what we got you. Kif: It's a basket! F-For picnics? Leela: It means a lot to me. It's the basket my parents left me in at the orphanarium. Hermes: You could use it for picnics. Mrs. Wong: Here, Amy. We get this one for you. Amy: Is it a new party board? Mrs. Wong: It's a board alright! An ironing board. Mr. Wong: We had your old party board converted now that you not be partying anymore. Amy: You-You trashed my party board? Mrs. Wong: Damn right! Now you're a mom, the only surfing you do is under a big wave of responsibility. Kif: Oh, this is the happiest moment of my life! You all brought such wonderful gifts. But the greatest gift- Bender: Mine! Kif: Is the bond I share with my smizmar, Amy. For soon, the quivering mass of life within me will depend on us both. Even now, I can sense it feeding, squirming, searching, questing. And shortly, it will rend my loins in twain, burst forth and pull us down, down, down into the deep, dark waters of commitment. Zoidberg: That's so beautiful! Amy: Yes, it's, it's- No! I can't do this! Bender: Oh, my God! Kif: Oh, how could Amy leave me? When will women learn to take responsibility for the children they've helped create? The quickening! My time is near. I must return to my homeworld to perform the ancient birthing rites. Scruffy: Lemme know how that turns out. Kif: I must now embark on a perilous journey to give birth in precisely the same swamp in which I was born. Leela: If it's so dangerous, I'd better go with you. A gal has to protect her DNA. Kif: No, Leela. Tradition demands that I make this journey with my smizmar. And since Amy isn't, here I must go it alone. Farewell, for we may never meet again. Kif: My scrapes feel a little better now. Bender: Hey, what's this fat ugly thing? A frog? A toad? Or your momma! Kif: It's a poisonous froad! No one move. Bender: I'm back, baby! Kif: Behold! The sacred ancestral birthing grounds of my family. Zapp: Smells like a jockstrap! Grand Midwife: I am the Grand Midwife. Fry: Hi! Kif: I am Kif, of the clan Kroker, come to bear my young. Grand Midwife: Then let the Tea of New Life be brewed. As it is writ, "and both shall lift the jug together". Where is your smizmar? Kif: She's not with me. Grand Midwife: Oh, the sorrow. Oh, the shame. I'm sorry, I'm probably just making you feel worse. Kif: As long as Amy is with me in my heart I will have the strength of two. Apparently Amy hasn't been working out much lately. Grand Midwife: As the tea boils, please join hands with your beloved smizmar. Oh, right, sorry. But I memorised the ceremony by rote and it mentions her a lot. Kif: I'll try to endure. Grand Midwife: Good, 'cause I'm not changing it. Now turn ye to and gaze deeply into each other's eyes. Bender: What are you looking at? Grand Midwife: May the love I sense between you at this moment remain with you both through all your days. The Tea of New Life is ready. Let those whose love created this life speak each other's names, then drink. Kif: Amy. Amy: Kif! Kif: Amy! Is it you or have I gone crazy with loneliness? Bender: Both. Amy: I still don't know if I'm ready for this but I do know I love you. And I wanna be here beside you. Grand Midwife: Great! Now I lost my place! I'm starting over! Kif: Oh, no time! It has begun! Oh, my! Bender: Neat! Amy: You can do it, Kif! Kif: Whoa, Nellie! Bender: Oh, man! Kif: Amy, my love, tell me Are they making it to the water? Leela: Amy! Amy: Shoo! Stay away from my babies! Grand Midwife: The birthing is complete! Bender: Alright! Kif: Oh, thank goodness! Grand Midwife: I will now take my leave. I live here so I won't actually be going anywhere, but you don't have to talk to me anymore. Fry: Congratulations! Zapp: Nice work! Bender: Way to go, squishy! Leela: There goes my DNA. What a disgusting and beautiful process. Fry: That's birth for you. Kif: Well, we've given them a great start, Amy. And in 20 years they'll sprout legs and crawl back onto land as children. Amy: I'll be ready then.

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! You all know the orphanarium where Leela grew up? Fry: Sure. We talk about it all the time. Leela: Really? Fry: No. Burn! Farnsworth: Well done, fellows! Anyway, said orphanarium has named Leela "Orphan of the Year". Amy: Yee-ha! Bender: Alright! Amy: Your parents must be so proud. Oops! Sorry. Farnsworth: And the good news keeps on coming. Behold my latest invention. Bender: Neat! Farnsworth: Ta-da! It's a glow-in-the-dark nose you can wear over your regular non-glowing nose. Observe. Amy: Whoa, clool! Bender: Now I can punch you in the nose in the dark. Bender: Where'd it go? Amy: Hey, Professor, what's all this scloop, glorking out of the machine? Farnsworth: That? It's, uh ... nothing. Yes, nothing. If you think it's anything, you're a suspicious moron. Hermes: It looks like toxic waste. And it smells like toxic waste. Fry: What does it taste like? Hermes: Delicious fig pudding! Ooh, that's good! But a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste. Farnsworth: Alright, alright, so the machine produces a few toxic by-products! You don't have to make a federal case out of it. Hermes: I'm afraid I do. I order you dispose of that toxic waste properly or bribe me. Either way it'll cost $500. Bender: 500 real dollars? That's an outrage! Professor, I'll take care of that waste for $499 and 100 cents. Farnsworth: Hmm, I know that's a rip but I'll pay for the convenience. Do you take credit cards? Bender: Let's find out. Bender: Alright, environment, you've met your match! Smitty: Hey, get back in the sewer, weird-y. No mutants on the surface. Vyolet: But he ruined my wedding dress. Bender: Honey, that thing was ruined the minute it went on you. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. Vogel: Y'know, it's not easy being an orphan - not if I have anything to do with it. But today's honouree, Turanga Leela, has really made something of herself. I'll never forget the night that cute little alien baby was abandoned on our doorstep. Because I have a photographic memory and I remember every night! Vogel: What the-? An alien language? I guess you're an alien. What a beautiful gigantic eye you ha- Well, come on in. Vogel: From those humble beginnings, Leela went on to become a county-certified starship captain. And so it is my pleasure today to nail her picture alongside those of our most distinguished alumni. Leela: Thank you very much. Like many of you, I never knew my parents... Vogel: Give me a- Leela: I don't know if they were mighty alien overlords or simply underpaid alien janitors who fought crime on the side- Vogel: There we are. Picture's up. Bender: It's crooked! Leela: In the end though, it doesn't matter who my parents were. All that matters is what I learned here, within these unscalable walls, that I have strength to make it on my own, just like all of you kids here today. Kids: Leela! Leela! Leela! Nina: Look at me! I'm Leela! Albert: Nuh-uh! 'Cause I'm double Leela! Vogel: That's it, Albert, no more espresso for you. Photographer: Mind if I get a picture of you with your picture for the news, ma'am? Leela: Yes! I mean no! Just make sure you get my nonchalant side! Fry: If those aren't tears of happiness, please stop crying. Leela: It's OK, Fry. I'm fine. I won an award today. Fry: Is it this room that's making you sad? It's probably the room. Come on, let's go for a walk. Leela: I'm sorry you saw that, Fry. I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as a mental illness. Fry: Yeah, I do that with my stupidness. Leela: I told a whole crowd today that being an orphan made me strong. But all I really wanted was a mom and dad, to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me they loved me. Fry: Then today's your lucky day, because I happen to be a holding, stroking, lovin' machine! Also spankin'. Leela: That's not even close to what I had in mind. Fry: Well, anyway, just remember that people care about you. Leela: I know. Sometimes, when I'm lonely, I look up at the sky and I get this feeling that somewhere, on some unknown planet, circling a distant star, my parents are up there, looking down on me. Fry: Yo, yo, Bezender! What up? Bender: My dumping business is booming. I just got hired to clean up the set of Free Willy 3. Leela: Bender! Cut it out! First of all, the sewer mutants will be mad. Second, everything else that's horribly wrong with what you're doing! Bender: Ah, those stupid mutants can't do anything. You seem to be forgetting one simple fact. Namely, I'm up here and they are safely down- Bender: What did I do to deserve this? Dwayne: Behold, our once beautiful mutagenic sewage lake. Vyolet: The radioactive waste you dumped in it has made it bright enough to see how ugly we really are. Dwayne: Oh, man! Raoul: As if our lives weren't miserable enough already! Leg Mutant: Tell me about it! Raoul: Let the punishment commence! Leela: Punishment? Fry: No fair! Bender: Bender's innocent! Raoul: The instant you touch these mutatious waters, your DNA will be forever altered, turning you into horrible mutants like us. Especially him! Allow me to demonstrate! Fry: It's like that time I peeked in the kitchen at Imperial Hunan. Raoul: Submerge the prisoners. Bender: Wait. I don't even have DNA. Why am I screaming? Dwayne: We're gonna beat you afterwards. Mutants: Mutate! Mutate! Mutate! ... Hooded Figure #1: Turanga Leela! Leela: Who said that? How do you know my real name? Bender: Whee! Raoul: What are you doing? Stop it! Fry: What happened? Leela: I don't know. I think I saved us somehow. Raoul: Go after them! The waters can't mutate us mutants! Raoul: They went this way! Bender: Quick! In there! Dwayne: Kill! Kill! Kill! Leela: Great Cheech's ghost! Bender: What's this junk? Leela: It looks like ... a timeline of my whole life. Fry: That's when we saved Earth from a giant asteroid of garbage. Leela: And here's when I dropped out and bummed around India for a while. Bender: And this is just last year at Space Mardi Gras. Leela: It's like some kind of weird Leela museum ... and I'm the Leela! Fry: Dude! Over here! Leela: It's all the best stuff I ever flushed down the toilet! Those are some of my diary pages. And my screenplay! Fry: And also, for some reason, the letter I wrote you full of my personal feelings. Leela: Oh, I'm scared! My whole life has just been a show for some perverted mutant! Vyolet: They must be in here. Raoul: Yeah, after them. Bender: And then Bender ran! Fry: Leela, freak out later. We're not done escaping yet! Dwayne: Got you! Leg Mutant: Take this! Fry: Ow! Raoul: This time I'm calling for the death penalty. And not just because I'm running for re-election as Supreme Mutant. Mutants: Four more years! Four more years! Raoul: Oh, very well. Your attention. Instead of being tortured to death, the prisoners shall hereby be expelled from the sewers and never allowed to return. Bender: Oh, cruel fate! Can we really never return to this dank pit of sewage? Leela: Wait a minute. Why aren't you gonna kill us anymore? Bender: Yeah! What are you chicken? Fry: Shut up, you two! We can kill ourselves when we get home! Raoul: They'll need transportation to the surface. Bring in the airship. Bender: Ew! Raoul: We constructed it from the remnants of old discarded Macy's parade balloons. Underdog's groin, Bart Simpson's left ear and right shin, Garfield's owner Jon's forehead. Mutant #1: Fire up the sewer gas! Mutant #2: Move it, you ugly normals! Bender: Uh, I'm gettin' dizzy! I can't walk straight! Fry: Come on, Leela. You can do it! Bender: Hurry! We're missing our bus! Fry: Whoa! What are you doing? Bender: I'm gettin' on the bus! Leela: Don't worry! I'll be fine! They know something about me and I've got to find out what. The lake didn't mutate me. What is going on here? Octopus: It worked for me. I used to be a little blonde girl named Virginia. Leela: Eurgh! Who the hell are you? Hooded Figure #1: No one. And watch your language, young lady! Mutant #2: Stop right there! I don't want to hurt you. I didn't want you to hurt me either! Fry: Leela's going nuts and I can't save her unless I learn more about her mysterious past. Isn't there anything else you can tell me? Vogel: Nah. Nothing that wouldn't be a waste of your time. Fry: That's impossible because my time is worthless! Vogel: Huh. Well then there is one thing. It's the note I found with Leela the day she was abandoned. But it's written in Alienese, so no one on Earth can translate it. Not even Brainzilla. Fry: Hand it over. Vogel: Sure. I just wish I could be more helpful. Would you like some dirt on any other orphans? Fry: Look, I'm trying to save someone here. I'll have to come back for those later. Fry: Can you translate it? Farnsworth: Of course. But only into Beta Crypt 3, a language so complex there's even less chance of understanding it. Fry: I didn't ask for a completely reasonable excuse. I asked you to get busy. Farnsworth: Very well. Fry: Isn't that the same machine that makes noses? Farnsworth: It can do other things. Why shouldn't it? Of course, even if it is possible to analyse the message, there's no way of knowing how long it would take. It could take an hour or it could take a hundred million years. Fry: Is it done? Farnsworth: Certainly not. Two dings means it's done. But not like that. Slightly more rapid. Leela: Where did they go? Bender: Good news, Leela. I landed the contract to empty all the spittoons in Little Italy. Leela: Ew! Farnsworth: That's it! It's done! I can't believe it! My mind is boggling. The analysis of the note is printing out now. Doctor: It's a girl. Mother: My God! She's beautiful. No extra anythings. Father: Good people skills! Mother: She's completely perfect! Doctor: In my professional opinion as an ear, ear, ear, nose and throat doctor, she is the least-mutated mutant ever born. Father: And yet she's cursed to live the horrible degrading life of a mutant. Like all of us. Especially him! Leg Mutant: It's true! Mother: Maybe we can do better for her. Father: I made this bracelet so that in some small way we'll always be with you, even when it doesn't seem like it. During your entire life, for example. Mother: You won't pass for human, cutie. But if my PhD in exo-linguistics is worth diddly-poop, this note should convince them you're an alien. And that'll be enough to give you a real life. Father: She'll never know we're her parents. Mother: That's our gift to her. Better we should die than have her learn the shameful truth of her origin. Father: I'm with you. Vogel: What a beautiful gigantic eye you ha- Well, come on in. Hooded Figure #1: Keep quiet so she doesn't hear us. Hooded Figure #2: What's there to talk about? Hooded Figure #1: Sh! Leela: Hands up! Tentacles too! Hooded Figure #1: Don't say anything stupid, Morris. Leela: What is all this? Am I a game to you? Or some kind of even more boring Truman Show? Do you believe I'm you Messiah? Your Mutant Dalai Lama? Stop me if I guess it! Hooded Figure #2: Well, actually, there- Hooded Figure #1: Morris! Sh! Leela: And what about this How did you get this bracelet? Did you steal it from me when I was a baby? Or from my parents? You robbed my parents, didn't you? I bet you sick mutants killed them. My parents were confused aliens lost on Earth and you killed them! Is that it? Admit it! Hooded Figure #2: Yes. We killed them. Hooded Figure #1: You guessed the truth. Leela: Because of you I'll never know my parents. I'll kill you! Hooded Figure #1: That would be best. Fry: Stop! Thanks, Bender! Don't do it, Leela! Leela: They killed my parents! Fry: Close. Leela: They are my parents. Munda: Yes. Fry: I had the Professor analyse the Alienese letter that was found with you. Leela: What does it say? Fry: I 'unno. But the analysis showed it was printed on recycled toilet paper. A squeezably soft paper used mainly in the sewers. Munda: It says, "Your parents love you very much". Morris: We still do. Leela: So, I'm not an alien? I'm a mutant. Morris: We never wanted you to know. You deserved a better life. Munda: You must despise us. Leela: You're my parents. All I've ever wanted is to know you. This is the happiest moment of my life. Bender: Aw!

Bender: You are one narrow minded spaceship, Planet Express Ship. Ship: Whoa, whoa! Why should my tax money pay for art I find offensive? Bender: Would you censor the Venus de Venus just because you can see her spewers? Ship: Oh, it's filthy! Why not create a national endowment for strip clubs while we're at it? Bender: Why not, indeed? Leela: Bender! Ship! Stop bickering or I'm gonna come back there and change your opinions manually. Bender: Fine! I'll be in my quarters appreciating controversial artworks. Ship: Oops! Sorry! Bender: Ah, that Ship is so white bread! Hermes: People, it's Valentine's Day next week, so your beloved company has gotten you all new uniforms. Amy: Clool! Zoidberg: Clothing, delicious clothing! Farnsworth: We'll need to look our best if we're to get the account of our new potential customer, Romanticorp. Amy: Romanticorp? Are they a corporation that makes romantic stuff? Hermes: Very good, Amy! Farnsworth: Everyone suit up. We're off to the most romantic city on Earth! Farnsworth: Remember, we've got to show these people we're not bitter husks of human beings who long ago abandoned hope of finding love in this lifetime. Leela, you'll have to do some acting. Leela: Check! Sheldon: Welcome. Oh, I'm just so excited! I'm Sheldon, and this is my chief financial officer, Gwen. Gwen: For 30 years we've shared the adventure of managing Romanticorp. Sheldon: Not to mention the adventure of marriage. Leela: Oh, you have got to be kidding! Ow! I-I mean, "Aww! That's so sweet!" Ow! I mean, "Aww dat's show shweet!" Farnsworth: You know, romance is an important part of our work too. Uh, right, everyone? Leela: Yeah, sure. Bender: Oh, sure. Sheldon: Do any of you collect Lovey Bears? Amy: I do! Kif's given me dozens. Is it true what the ad says? That you kiss them together out of blanket cloth and magic buttons? Gwen: No. Sheldon: It's actually cheaper to genetically engineer real ones. They frolic in the Lovey Forest until their first birthday. Then we choose the cuddly-uddliest ones and stuff them full of fire-retardant love fluff! Amy: So cute! Gwen: Knowing which pickup lines fizzle and which ones sizzle keeps us on the cutting edge of flirtation technology. Frame #1: Is heaven missing an angel? 'Cause you've got nice cans! Frame #2: My two favourite things are commitment and changing myself. Leela: Does that dummy have a brother? Sheldon: And now, friends and lovers, we come to the heart of our operation. Pun definitely intended! Hermes: Impressive! Gwen: My family has been making these hearts since the 1900s. Tastes may have changed but our secret recipe sure hasn't. Fry: Whoa! Letters like "U" and "R" can mean words like "You" and "Are". Here, Leela, "U-R-2 Cute". Leela: Perhaps. What's your point? Fry: I've never been able to put into words how I feel about you. But somewhere among these trillions of hearts, those words must already exist. And I'm gonna find them. Farnsworth: So, do we have the contract? Farnsworth: With that big new Romanticorp contract, I've been able to make those government-mandated upgrades you've all been suing me about. Leela: Ooh, look! You taped up the cracks in the dark matter reactor. Fry: And you got a cage for the lion! Bender: Hey, who's been messing with the radio? This isn't alternative rock, it's college rock! Farnsworth: Oh, it must have been the ship's new improved personality software I installed. Ship: Yeah, it was me. It's a cute song. Bender: Listen, Ship! No one changes my stations! I hope you have a good mechanic! Farnsworth: It even comes with an adjustable voice. Ship: We each get one of the four buttons. Remember, Bender? That was the deal. Bender: What? Did you just say- Ship: If you don't like the stations you could just ... play with my buttons till you find something we both enjoy. Oh, gosh! That came out all wrong! Bender: Too late, baby, you said it! So, what'll it be? My place ... or you? Fry: Before we deliver these hearts, I'm gonna find the one that sums up my feelings for you. "I Love You." Hmm, too conventional. "You're My Man." Ooh, so close! Leela: I'm not impressed by a guy's message, Fry, I'm impressed by the guy. Or not. Fry: Whoa! Leela: What was that? Fry: Maybe we hit a space cow. Bender: Coochie, coochie! Ship: Stop it! You're mussing up my trajectory! Bender: You know you love it, sugar-engine! Ship: No! Leela: Bender! What's going on in here? Planet Express Ship! Cover your shame. Ship: It's not what it looks like. Uh, Bender was just helping me ... zip up my turbine. Fry: Wow, Bender. Are you and the ship an item? I mean I know you're both items but- How can you date a ship anyway? It'd be like me dating a really fat lady. And living inside her. And she'd be all like- Bender: Fry, in order for me to get busy at maximum efficiency, I need a girl with a big 400-ton booty. Leela: Bender, dating your co-worker and primary mode of transportation is immoral, illogical and a violation of interstellar shipping statute 437-B. Bender: That's what makes it so nasty! Leela: Still, given the chance, I'd give in to urges far more shocking. Bender: Daisy, Daisy, Give me your answer do, Bender: I'm half crazy, All for the love of you, It won't be a stylish marriage, Bender: I can't afford a carriage, Bender: But you'll look sweet, Upon the seat, Of a bicycle built for two. Bender: Well, I'm sick of her. Fry: The ship? But you just started dating. Bender: With my mighty robot powers, I can get sick of things much quicker than you humans. Leela: Well just remember we all still have to work together. So try and let her down easy. Bender: In due time, Leela. But for now I'll just resume dating cheap floozies on the side. Fry: You have much to teach us. Leela: Doesn't it bother you even a little to be taking advantage of your girlfriend's trust? Bender: Oh, wait, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder. Fembot #1: What's it like being a lawyer for the Mayor's office and also the world's strongest millionaire? Bender: Well, baby, for starters you need to be honest all the time! Elzar: Good evening, Bender. And to your lady friends may I say, "Bam"! Fembot #2: You know Elzar? Ship: Hm. Fry: Huh? Planet Express Ship? Is that you? Ship: Oh. Hi, Fry. Is Bender home? Fry: Uh, no. Um, I think he's at his parents'. Ship: Oh, I see. He didn't fly there in another spaceship did he? Fry: Bender? No! He's an old-fashioned one-spaceship robot. Look, I'll tell him you stopped by, K? Ship: OK. Oh. Hi, Fry. Is he home now? Ship: Of all the zoos we've been to today, I like this one the best. Bender, which is your favourite nocturnal rat? Bender: Eh, they're all pretty unimpressive. Ship: Oh, honey, look! The tapirs! It says here the babies lose their pyjama-like coat after their first year. Isn't that interesting, honey? Bender: Yep. Mind-numbingly interesting. Ooh! Ship: Bender! Are you looking at other women? Bender: No, baby, never! Ship: Bender, don't lie! I saw you at Elzar's with those two ladies of the evening. Explain that! Bender: OK, I like a challenge. No ... no. Ah, I got it! I'm going to be completely honest with you, Planet Express Ship. Those women you saw me with ... were my accountants. Ship: Your accountants? Oh, I would dearly love to believe that were true. So I do. Bender: Phew! Ship: I'm gonna go home and get dinner started. Liu: Who are you talking to? Bender: No one, baby! Lucy Liu is the only girl for Bender. Liu: I love you- Leela: Planet Express Ship, is something wrong? Ship: Oh, it's Bender. He's acting so strange lately. Do you think he's going to ask me to marry him? Leela: Uh, no. Ship: Oh, somebody knows something she's not telling! Leela: Look, I'm not saying Bender's not great but have you ever considered that maybe he's, y'know, not that great? Ship: You're just jealous. No one loves you cause you're tiny and you're made of meat. Leela: Could you maybe pay a little more attention to these asteroids? Ship: Sorry, Captain Leela. I guess I'm just having one of those manic Mondays! Lrrr: This is ancient Earth's most foolish program. Why does Ross, the largest friend, not simply eat the other five? Nd-Nd: Perhaps they are saving that for sweeps. Guard: Exalted leaders, the Earth messengers have arrived bearing a peace offering from their weak and fearful government. Lrrr: Oh, very well. This is a Joey-heavy episode anyway. I am Lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8. Leela: Esteemed potentates of Omicron Persei 8, please accept these 20 billion candy hearts as proof that Earth loves you this much! Lrrr: These candies are choky and unpleasant! Nd-Nd: And what is this emotion you humans call "wuv"? Lrrr: Surely it says "love"? Nd-Nd: No, "wuv". With an Earth "W". Behold! Lrrr: This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us! Fry: Incoming torpedoes. Shields at maximum yarnell! Leela: Steady, Planet Express Ship. Focus on diverting all power to the scramjets. Bender: Uh, look, Planet Express Ship, this might not be the best time, but, well, I really like you and whatever, but, I think we should just be friends. Ship: Nooo! Bender: So we're cool? Leela: Well, it was a spectacular battle but there doesn't seem to be any permanent damage. Ship: No damage? What about my feelings? Leela: Aw, calm down. I'm sure Bender is taking this just as hard as you are. Bender: Bender is great, oh, Bender is great. Bender, Bender, Bender! Fry: You could've have picked a better time to dump the ship, Bender! Bender: Ah, the moment seemed right. Call me old-fashioned but I like a dump to be as memorable as it is devastating. Leela: I know. I know. Look, Ship, if there's one thing I learned from my mutual break-up with Sean that was totally mutual, it's that happiness can only come from within you. Ship: But Bender is within me! There must be some way to make him love me again. Leela: Trust me. You can't change men anymore than you can change the laws of time and space. Ship: That is so true. I may not be able to change the laws of time and space, but I know something that can. Leela: Um, sweetie? You see that giant quasar we're heading into? You might wanna scooch a few parsecs to the left. Ship: I'm afraid I can't do that, Leela. Fry: What's happening? Space cow? Leela: The ship's just taking the break-up a little hard. She's nuts! Ship: In a few moments, the power of 10 billion black holes will smush me and Bender together into a beautiful eternal quantum singularity. Bender: Uh, you don't need to kill us, Planet Express Ship ... because ... I love you. Oh, yeah, baby! I feel like doing stuff for you and stuff. Ship: Hmm. I don't believe you. If you really wanted to be with me, you'd merge your programming with mine. Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down! All my friends who've done that said that afterwards all the passion went out of their relationship. Leela: Look, I don't know if you want my opinion- Ship: Leela, Bender and I really need to be alone, so I'm turning off the oxygen. Leela: Now look, missy! If you don't turn around now, I'm going to have to shut down your brain. Ship: Fire detected in the vicinity of Leela. Fry: Ha! That barely hurt Leela at all! Ship: Maybe not. But what if the artificial gravity were to malfunction? Bender: Float for your lives! Leela: This is the one place she can't hear us. Everyone just pretend to shower. Fry: Same as everyday, got it. Leela: Now, here's the plan. Ship: Oh, if only I could read lips. Leela: Comprendez, Bender? You'll have to distract her. Merge your programming with hers while I shut down her brain. Bender: It's too risky. I'm a very meek individual. If her personality engulfs mine, the Bender you know and worship could disappear forever! Leela: I'm willing to take that risk. Bender: Hey, pookums! Contrary to what I was saying earlier, melding minds with you would be extremely bearable. Ship: You really mean it? Bender: Uh... Yes! Bender: Huh? Tubes? You're older than you said you were! Ship: Come closer, Bender. Let's become one! Bender: I prefer two. That way we can still be a horse for Hallowe'en! Leela: OK, Bender has her distracted. Now I can shut down her brain by deactivating the carbonated logic matrix. I can't concentrate with this obnoxious candy in my face. Fry: I'm on it. And maybe I'll find those magic words while I'm at it. Leela: Fat chance. Fry: Yeah, I know Ooh! How 'bout this one? Leela: Give it up, Fry! I've got to pop these tops in a precise order. Leela: Halfway there. The ship should be getting a bit less rational now. Ship: Want ... engulf ... Bender! Leela: Only a few more. Hey! I won free admission to Six Flags! Just one more reason we must survive this. Fry: Um, Leela? Leela: Fry! I'll read your candy later, when we're not dead! What was that? Fry: Oh, nothing. Ship: We're gonna love being each other, you sexy ion! Bender: Nooo! Leela: Last one! Leela: It worked! Gravity normal, air returning. Terror replaced by cautious optimism! We did it, Fry! Fry? You gave me your oxygen? Oh, no! Breathe, Fry! Breathe! You leave me breathless. Happy Valentine's Day, Fry. Fry: Happy Valentine's day. Fry: Bender! Are you OK? Bender: Aw, what crazy thing am I going to date next? Leela: Well at least it sounds like you were able to keep your consciousness separate from hers. Bender: Of course! Bender is a lone wolf. A solitary eagle. A cuddly baby tapir! And that's why I love him! Fry: Well, I guess we'd better clean up these millions of hearts. Leela: Nah, I've got a lazier idea. Zoidberg: As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar, a wondrous thing happened, why not. They vaporised into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe, destroying many, many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one planet was at exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays, but not be destroyed by them Earth. So all over the world, couples stood together in joy. And me, Zoidberg! And no one could have been happier unless it would have also been Valentine's Day. What? It was? Hooray!

Sewercom Operator: Your call is being connected by SewerCom. Reach out and touch the sewers. Munda: Look, Morris, it's Leela calling. Leela: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Ready for your big trip to the surface? Morris: We're excited, honey, but we don't wanna embarrass you. I mean, your mother and I are basically monsters. Leela: Dad, relax. You are being so mutant! Munda: I found this adorable little bag to wear over my head. And it was on sale! Leela: No one's wearing anything adorable over their head. Now listen, I could never, ever be ashamed of my parents. I'll see you this weekend. Leela: Hey, guess who I just got off the videophone with? Bender: No. Leela: My parents! They're coming up from the sewers for a visit Sunday. Amy: Are you off your rocket? Your parents are mutants. It's illegal for them to come above ground 'cause they're inferior genetic scum. Uh, present company excluded, of course. Leela: I'm getting them a special one-day surface permit from Citihall. Hermes: Ooh. While you're there, could you pick me up a licence to kill? Leela: Sure. Bare hands or weapon? Hermes: Uh, what does piano wire count as? Farnsworth: Good news, anyone. The Swedish robot from Pi-kea is here with the super collider I ordered. Πkea Robot: Enjoy your affordable Swedish crap. Fry: Let's see what tools we'll need. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Alright, we're all set. Bender: Nothing like the rustic wholesomeness of working with one's own hand. Bender: Ah, there. Finished. And with only six missing pieces! Fry: Those Swedes sure know how to put in almost everything you need. Leela: Man, I'm sore all over. I feel like I just went ten rounds with Mighty Thor. Fry: I feel like I was mauled by Jesus. Zoidberg: I've got just the thing Genuine miracle cream I bought from a travelling salesman. "Come one, come all," he said. "Step right up!" "This sounds too good to be true," I thought. He said I looked like a smart, young man. "So is it a deal?" I enquired. Two hours later he was gone, with 60 of my dollars. But I have the miracle cream- Farnsworth: Bad news, nobody. The super collider super-exploded. I need you to take it back and exchange it for a wobbly CD rack and some of those rancid meatballs. Man #1: Excuse me. hi! Do you have a minute? I live in Jersey City and my car broke down and I need to get back because my Aunt's real sick and she needs this medicine but I need money for the bus. So I'm mugging you. Hand over your wallets. Leela: I don't believe that story for a second. Man #1: It doesn't matter, I'm mugging you. Fry: There's no bus to Jersey City. Man #1: Give me your wallets now or my robot'll shoot. Andrew: Don't make me hurt you. Fry: I'm too scared to find my pocket. Here, I'll just take of my pants and give you those. Man #1: Hey! I don't like what I'm seeing. Give it to him, Andrew! Give it to him again, Andrew! What the- Laser-proof shirts, huh? I'll show you. Leela: Huh? Hey! Quit it! Hi-yah! Man #1: Foiled. And after years of planning. Andrew: You're outta the game! Leela: How did we manage to survive? What gave us those strange powers? Fry: Maybe we're all wearing magic rings but they're invisible rings so we don't even realise it. Also, you can't feel the rings. Leela: Fry, shut up and look at this! May cause superpowers in humans. Fry: Wow! A superpowers drug you can just rub into your skin? You'd think it'd be something you have to freebase. Leela: Let's see. Which powers do we have? Super-strength? Fry: Yup. Leela: Uh-huh. Lickety speed? Fry: Check. Leela: Yes, sir! Ability to command the loyalty of sea creatures? Fry: Hey, Zoidberg, get in here! Zoidberg: Screw you! Leela: Ain't got that. Fry: Nope! Leela: Wow. Superpowers! I'll be able to pack my day with twice as many humdrum activities. Fry: Leela, I think you're missing the big picture. When you were a kid, what was your biggest fantasy? Leela: To have parents. Fry: Whatever. The correct answer is To be a superhero. We have superpowers and we're Americans. This is our chance. Leela: Hmm. I have been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence. Let's do it! Fry: You'll barely regret this! Bender: Hey, a friend of mine said he mugged you today and you had superpowers. Leela: It's true. Thanks to this funky-fresh cream. Fry: Now me and Leela are forming an awesome crime-fighting duo. Bender: Wow! Crime-fighting. Cool. You say you're a duo? Yeah, duos are good. Of course sometimes they're a little short-handed. See you. With two humans, you'd think there'd be a robot in there to balance things out but whatever. I have these three costumes you could use. But I guess I'll just throw one away. Leela: We'd love to have you on the team, Bender. But aren't you more on the supply side of crime? Fry: Plus the cream won't give you superpowers. You're a robot. Bender: So? I'm already super-strong. And my arms do this. Also I got this going. Leela: Listen up, New New York There's a new group of superheroes in town! And we're- Hattie: Quiet! It's 4am and I just fell asleep for the first time in 30 years! Leela: Sorry! A new era of justice has begun. Hattie: What? Narrator: Attention, all crooks, lowlifes and lawbreakers. Do yourselves a favour and crawl back into your filthy tenements, you human cockroaches. Or get your ugly face punched to custard by ... The New Justice Team. Fry: Captain Yesterday! Leela: Clobberella! Bender: And Superking! The best one of the three! Fry: Wow! Song: Go, go, go, New Justice Team, Song: Go, team, Go, team, Team, team, team, Song: Who's the newest Justice Team? The New Justice Team! Song: Captain Yesterday is fast, Also he is from the past, Not just fast but from the past, Song: Captain Yesterday! Song: Superking has all the powers of a king, Plus all the powers of Superman, Also he's a robot, Ain't it cool? Superking, you rule! Song: Clobberella beats you up, Clobberella beats you up, Who does she beat up? You! Song: Clobberella! Song: Citizens, never fear, Crazy do-good freaks are here, Until they run out of steam... Song: Miracle cream, Miracle cream, Gives the power to the team, Song: It's effects wear off for sure, So they just slop on some more, The New Justice Team! Bender: Ta-da! Woman: Captain Yesterday, I find your skintight high-waters incredibly sexy. Let's get together sometime. Fry: Sure. I'm listed in the phone book so once I reveal my real name to you along with my home address and a copy of my birth certificate- Leela: Are you crazy? We have to keep our secret identities secret. Fry: From everybody? Leela: Especially from everybody. Fry: Give several reasons why. Leela: For one, superheroes cause a lot of collateral damage, and we don't wanna get our butts sued. Fry: Or do we? No, I guess not. Leela: Also, if our identities get out, every crook in the city will be after us. Or, God forbid, our loved ones. Bender: Superking has no need for loved ones. How ya doin', kid? Poopenmeyer: There you go. Two one-day mutant surface passes. Leela: Thank you, Mayor Poopenmeyer. Poopenmeyer: Mayor here. What's that? Horrible crime in the works? Ruthless villain? Citizens in danger? That's fantastic news! Because I get to summon the New Justice Team! Leela: Sh! Poopenmeyer: Uh, they're usually here by now. Leela: Well, so long. Keep in touch. Poopenmeyer: Wait, stay and meet the superheroes. There's three of you and three of them so it'll be perfect. Is this clown on? Where are those daring crime stoppers? Leela: Oh, I completely forgot. I left my apartment on fire! Bender: Uh, as for me, I'm late for my LSAT's. Fry: And I can't take life anymore. Poopenmeyer: Clobberella! Captain Yesterday! My liege! You're just in time. We've received a tip that the Museum of Natural History will be robbed tomorrow at exactly 9am. The target The priceless Quantum Gemerald. Fry: Who's the perp? Poopenmeyer: A dangerous villain known as The Zookeeper, who commits crimes aided by a pack of highly-trained animals. Fry: Pack of highly. Got it! Poopenmeyer: His crew includes a badger with a troubled past and nothing left to lose, an elephant who never forgets - to kill! And a seldom-used crab named Lucky, a.k.a. Citizen Snips. Leela: You can count on us, Mr. Mayor. Justice away! Bender: Hold the elevator! Bender: We're in here too. Fry: Uh, Leela, how you gonna meet your folks tomorrow? We've already scheduled the Zookeeper for a 9am foiling at the museum. Leela: Not a problem. I've cleverly arranged to meet my parents right there at the same museum at 10. Bender: 9, 10 a big fat hen. The name's Bender! Leela: I can't believe the Zookeeper is this late for his own heist. It's just rude! Total hell! It's 10! I'm supposed to meet my parents and I'm still in my secret costume! There they are! Munda: How could Leela not be here? Do you think she forgot? Morris: Relax. I'm sure she's just ashamed of us. Security Guard: Yo! Freakjobs! Hit the nearest manhole, pronto, like. Morris: But we have passes that allow us to be up here. From the mayor himself. Security Guard: I dunno. I never heard of no mayor. Randy: The Zookeeper! Zookeeper: Sorry I'm late. Long story. Now everybody hit the deck! I'm cutting the entire line and stealing the exhibit. Leela: You're not stealing anything! Nobody hit the deck! Zookeeper: Ah, the superheroes. Or should I say superzeroes! Fry: That was uncalled for. Zookeeper: Animals, attack. Tour Guide: Please do not feed the animals! Bender: You're going down, my friend! Down Under! Roosevelt: Man boxing a kangaroo is a peculiar spectacle. But a kangaroo boxing a robot? Now I'm afraid you've lost me. Citizen Snips! Zookeeper: Nice job, Fingers! Munda: I'm scared and confused. I think we've wandered into an off-Broadway play. Morris: No, there are way too many people here. Zookeeper: Later, if anyone asks when I got away, tell them right now! Leela: Forget it, Zookeeper! You're going into captivity. Zookeeper: Fool! A quip about putting me behind bars would have been far more delicious. Here, catch! Leela: No, Fry! You can't fall fast enough! Bender: I got it, I got it! I don't got it! Roosevelt: You've saved the Gemerald! Fry: Yet the Zookeeper escaped, thus proving that the deadliest animal of all is the Zookeeper. Bender: You can get off me anytime. Leela: Oh, no! My parents are leaving. I've gotta go change back into street-Leela. Photographer #1: It's the New Justice Team! Photographer #2: Can we get some photos? Poopenmeyer: Thank you, mysterious heroes. The value of the Gemerald you saved is slightly greater than the cost of the damage you caused to this museum. A net gain for our great city! Munda: It's good that Leela doesn't love us. She'll be less sad when we die. Leela: Mom? Dad? I showed up! And I got the audio tour for Treasures of Liberace's Tomb. Morris: Sweetie, it's OK. You don't have to apologise for standing us up on the only visit to the surface we'll ever have. Leela: I wanna tell you why I didn't show up, but I can't. Just please believe me that it was a very good reason. I'm sorry I disappointed you. Munda: Leela, you could never disappoint us. Morris: We're so proud of everything that you are, and we always will be. Because you're our baby girl. Leela: Oh, I can't take it! Mom, Dad, I'm Clobberella! Morris: Galloping gators! Munda: You're a superhero? Well that's wonderful! But did you have to make the costume so revealing? Morris: Look at me! Proud dad of a superhero! We should print up T-shirts. And F-shirts for our friends with two arms on the same side. Leela: No, listen. It's very important that you never, ever tell anyone under any circumstance. Morris: What if I've had a few? Leela: Dad, you drink? No. Not even then. Morris: Alright. My sucker is sealed. Leela: In fact, I shouldn't even be wearing this around here. It was brisk, I dressed in layers. Munda: That's my girl! Morris: So, uh, anyway, my daughter's Clobberella. Raoul: Leela is Clobberella? Leg Mutant: You're pulling me! Morris: Sh. keep it under your sock. It's a big secret. That's why I'm only telling you two. Big-Eared Mutant: Oh, my God! That guy's daughter is Clobberella. But don't tell anyone. Big-Mouthed Mutant: Gotcha! Zookeeper: Greetings, superheroes. Remember me? Farnsworth: I don't remember much, buddy. And you're no looker! Leela: Uh, Professor, isn't it time for your nap? Farnsworth: Yes, damnit! Leela: Zookeeper! How did you know our real identities? Zookeeper: Let's just say a little bird told me. Parrot: Leela told her parents. Leela's parents blabbed. Fry: Leela, is the person that parrot is mimicking telling the truth by proxy? Leela: Yes. My parents were so hurt, I couldn't help it! But I distinctly told them not to tell anyone. Bender: We are not amused. Zookeeper: And here's something you may or may not find interesting. Leela: Mom! Dad! Munda: Leela, please forgive us! Especially your father who's the one who told. Thank you very much, Morris. Leela: Are you alright? Has he hurt you? Morris: No but my allergies are going nuts. Oh, God! Munda: Every couch and table has animal fur all over it. He lets them climb on everything! Leela: Alright, Zookeeper. What do you want? Zookeeper: Why, the Quantum Gemerald of course! You must steal it for me before midnight or your parents will be devoured by piranhas that I have, shall I say, persuaded to walk on dry land. Munda: Save us, Leela! I mean, if you don't have anything better to do. Leela: We're out of options. We have to steal the Gemerald! Fry: But, should superheroes commit a crime, even to save lives? I need moral guidance. Bender? Bender: Hmm. The thought of stealing anything fills Superking with disgust. But if it must be so, then let a museum heist be pulled! Fry: Oh, no! Our superpower cream is out of itself! Leela: Check inside the cap. There might be a caked-in goldmine. Fry: El zilcho! I'm afraid we're boned. Bender: El zilcho? Is it too late to change my superhero name? Leela: Just be cool. Nobody knows we're super-powerly challenged. Fry: Man, this costume is so damn heavy! 7¹¹ Clerk: Hey, Captain Yesterday? Can I, like, wail on you with this 2-by-4 and it doesn't hurt you? Fry: Ow! That ... didn't hurt. Security Guard: Hi, superheroes. Everything OK? Leela: Big O, little k, my friend! Just checking if everything's alright. Security Guard: It's OK, alright! Leela: OK, then. Grab it! Tate: Yo! The superheroes have turned evil! Most uncool. Security Guard: Get 'em! Leela: Stay back! Or we'll, beat the tar out of you ... using superpowers! Fry: So this is your lair? Zookeeper: Of course not. You think I'd show you my lair? My lair's a million times nicer than this! Fry: OK, take it easy! Bender: Well, here's your lousy Gemerald. Zookeeper: Hawk! Fetch! Fry: That seemed unnecessary. Zookeeper: Our transaction is complete. Come, Solomon. To the lair. Leela: Mom! Dad! Oh, I'm so sorry I got you kidnapped by a crazy madman who tried to feed you to piranhas. Munda: We're just happy to be involved in your life. Leela: No, no. It's my fault for telling you I was a superhero. Morris: That's true. Leela: I just couldn't stand to have you to think I was ashamed of you. Munda: That's sweet, honey. But it's natural for children to be a little ashamed of their parents. Fry: Oh, yeah! Morris: Just like it's natural for parents to be a little disappointed in their children- N-Not that we are. Munda: But you could call a little more often. Leela: OK. Munda: And would it kill you to use some mouthwash? Bender: Hey, Fry, we've still got our costumes on. Wanna steal some more stuff? Fry: I guess, as long as you think it's right. Bender: Superheroes away! Song: Go, go, go, New Justice Team, Fighting justice is their quest, Superking, Clobberella, and all the rest, Here's to you, New Justice Team, Do the things that make your team, Help each other do some things, Winners don't use drugs, The New Justice Team!

Zoidberg: Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy! Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy! Fry: There's no denying it, the future's crazy! Oh, well. Don't wanna stand out. Fry And Zoidberg: Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy! Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy! Zoidberg: There's nothing crazy about it. It's just Freedom Day! Farnsworth: ...an extremely dangerous mission... Fry: So, what is Freedom Day? Sounds like some kind of feminine hygiene product. Zoidberg: No, it's a fabulous, crab-ulous day! Amy: If you wanna do something, you do it, and to splick with the consequences! Bender: You know, like how I live every day. Hermes: Happy Freedom Day! Ooh! I think my wrist is broken. Farnsworth: Of course, it wouldn't be Freedom Day without the traditional Freedom Tub! Hermes: Mmm! That'll feel nice on my shattered bones! Fry: Wow! Nude hot-tubbing? That's all I need to hear about Freedom Day! Zoidberg: Then consider the following lecture a bonus On Earth, freedom is a given. But on my planet, we have to suffer for it. Decapodian Woman: Sure, you can be a comedian instead of a doctor - if you want your parents to roll over in their graves! Decapodian Man: Sure, you can vote for Shkinadel - if you want there should be a recession! Decapodian Woman: Sure, you can go to medical school - if you've given up on your dream of being a comedian! Zoidberg: That's why I love Earth! You can do what you want, and no one makes you feel guilty because no one cares. Fry: We're not listening! Zoidberg: That's what I'm talking about! Stilt People: Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy! Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy! Bender: Scuse me, comin' through. Freedom train arriving on track one. Woman: Ow! You broke my foot! Bender: Freedom! Morbo: What's this next float, Linda? Linda: Representing our men, women and children in uniform, it's Earth's greatest space hero, Zapp Brannigan! Zapp: Happy Freedom Day, ladies! Come on, let loose and show me something! Anything. Seriously, I'd take an armpit. Oh, yeah! Thank you, Linda! Linda: You're welcome! OK, Morbo, now it's your turn. Morbo: If that is your Freedom Day wish. Nixon: Thank you, Secretary of Transportation. My fellow Earthicans, we enjoy so much freedom it's almost sickening. We're free to choose which hand our sex-monitoring chip is implanted in. And if we don't want to pay our taxes, why, we're free to spend a weekend with the Pain Monster. Pain Monster: See you April 15th, folks! Nixon: Cue the fireworks guy! Incidentally, tonight's Freedom Day celebration is brought to you by ... ... "Shankman's Rubbing Compound". When something needs rubbing, think "Shankman". Bender: Yay! Shankman! Hermes: It costs a little more but it's worth it! Nixon: Our planet has been through so much this past year Wars, droughts, impeachments! But we've never lost our sense of what's truly important The great taste of "Charleston Chew"! And now, let us salute that beloved symbol of freedom, our flag, Ol' Freebie! Zoidberg: I'm swelling with patriotic mucus! Nixon: In our darkest hour we can stand erect, with proud, upthrust bosoms! Fry: Anyone who laughs is a Communist! Nixon: Knowing that, with a shifty glance skyward, we will see by the rocket's red glare that our flag is still there. It's gone! Zoidberg: Yes, fellow patriots, I ate your flag. And I did it with pride. For to express oneself with doing a thing is the very essence of Freedom Day! Bless this planet and all its wonderful people! Nixon: Kill him! Kill the traitor! Man #1: Hey, it's the guy who desecrated our flag! Nixon: Stop that red menace! Zoidberg: I'm all scuttled out! Huh? My planet's embassy? They're paid to not kill me! A-yoop! Zoidberg: I thought I understood this world. I thought I was fitting in. But I guess I don't belong on here anymore than I belong on our crappy home planet- Ooh, sorry. Decapodian Man: What sorry? Our planet stinks, we all know it. Ambassador Mervin: Enough with the persecution, I'm saying. Zoidberg, as Ambassador, I promise you the full support of our government, already. Decapodian Woman: Poor boy. You want maybe a nice mug cocoa? Zoidberg: Ambassador Mervin, you and your staff are so kind. I'm truly humbled. What, no marshmallows? Nixon: Let's storm the place ... without my prior knowledge. Bender: Scuse me, comin' through. Freedom train, step aside. You too, fatso. Freedom! Leela: Cool your jowls, Nixon. You may not like it that Dr. Zoidberg desecrated a flag. You might even find the image of it festering in his bowels somehow offensive. But the right to freedom of expression is guaranteed by the Earth Constitution. Nixon: Aroo! Maybe so. But I know a place where the Constitution doesn't mean squat. Myrtle Fu: The Supreme Court hereby accepts the case of Earth vs. Zoidberg. Nixon: Sock it to 'em! Crowd: Two, four, six, eight, Eating the flag is bad. Scout Leader: Now your noose knot has exactly seven twists. Man #2: You can eat my dog. You can eat my truck. But you eat my flag and you're outta luck! She's a-wavin' proud around the world, from Dallas to Fort Worth. Let me say it again... Crowd: Don't mess with Earth! Fry: They sure hate Dr. Zoidberg. Bender: Pft. Posers! I was hating Zoidberg before it was cool. Fry: Where are we ever going to find a lawyer to take his case? Leela: I'll ask the head of the ACLU - once he's done singing. Man #2: Don't mess with Earth. Kill Zoidberg! Goodnight! Old Man Waterfall: Howdy there! I'm a lawyer and I'd like to help your friend out of his pickle. Fry: Who are you, old man? Old Man Waterfall: Name's Old Man Waterfall but most folks just call me "Old Man". Fry: I'll never remember that. Old Man Waterfall: I'm a veteran of three dozen wars. Name a body part and a planet and I've taken a bullet in it, on it. All to keep our flag flying free. Bender: And you wanna defend Zoidberg? Are you familiar with the old robot saying "does not compute"? Old Man Waterfall: Son, to me a robot's just a garbage can with sparks comin' out it. Bender: The sparks keep me warm. Old Man Waterfall: I don't condone what Dr. Zoidberg did but I'll fight tooth and nail for his freedom to do it. Or I would if I hadn't lost my teeth and nails on Mars and Saturn respectively. Fry: Wait, you're a lawyer? You're hired! Fry: You OK there in the embassy, Zoidberg? Holo-Zoidberg: No. There's no cocoa marshmallows, and every night the rats eat a little more of my foot! Bailiff: Oyez, oyez, oyez. All rise for the Honourable Chief Justice, Myrtle Fu, and the Associate Justices. Myrtle Fu: Counsel, you may address the court on behalf of Earth, if you're ready. Hyper-Chicken: I was hatched ready! Honourable judge heads, yonder crawdad done ate up our flag. Holo-Zoidberg: I was doing freedom of speech, Earth's most sacred right. Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, freedom of speech applies to what comes out of a mouth, not what goes in. O'Connor: Can counsel cite precedent? Hyper-Chicken: Uh, yes, darlin', I can. In State Of Alabama vs. Giant Space Iguana, chewin' the corners off the Constitution was deemed non-protected speech. Souter: He shut you up, O'Connor. Myrtle Fu: Mr. Waterfall, you may now present arguments on behalf of Dr. Zoidberg. Holo-Zoidberg: Oh, God, I'm nervous. Two of my three hearts are having attacks. Bender: Court's kinda fun when it's not my ass on the line! Nachos? Old Man Waterfall: Oh, land-o-Goshen! Your Honours, I'm not some slick, big-city lawyer like my opponent here. But I am a veteran who has fought for his planet. You see this hand of mine? Scalia: Yes, I do. Old Man Waterfall: No, you don't 'Cause I lost my real hand plantin' the flag when we took back Halley's Comet! Yet it was worth it, so much do I love that flag. I love it even more than I love my seven wives - that's right, I'm a polygamist. Yet I would gladly eat a flag myself, had I not used my intestine as a rope to hoist a flag made of my own skin, if it would protect the freedoms of the proud people who salute that flag. Freedom such as polygamy. I rest my case. Whoa, jeez! Myrtle Fu: The Justices and I will now confer using high-speed telepathy. By a vote of six-to-three, we find that flag eating is not protected by the Constitution. Bender: Six-to-three? I beat the spread! Myrtle Fu: The court orders an immediate public apology. Holo-Zoidberg: Apology accepted. Just don't let it happen again. Hermes: She means you, you turkey of the sea! Holo-Zoidberg: Me? Apologise? Never! I came to this planet to learn the meaning of freedom, but I say it's you who should get a nice lesson! So do your worst because no punishment could be worse than denying my freedom. Myrtle Fu: You are hereby sentenced to death. Holo-Zoidberg: Wait, let me finish! Myrtle Fu: Also, in a rare double-whammy decision, the court finds polygamy constitutional. Old Man Waterfall: I can't wait to tell my husband! Zapp: Remember, men, take him alive so there's something left to kill. Ambassador Mervin: Stay back! This embassy is sovereign mud of the mud planet Decapod 10. Invading these mud premises is an act of war. Zapp: Yeah? Well what are you going to do about it, Shrimp-y? Ambassador Mervin: You wanna see, Mr. Big-Shot? Attack Earth. Yes I know it's a schlep. Just do it! Zoidberg: Aha! Now the rubber band's on the other claw! Zapp: Ready ... retreat! Patron: Shh! Zoidberg: Deny my freedom, will you? Well we'll do to you what we did to the Squash Men of the Squash Planet! Squish them! Ambassador Mervin: Charleston Chew? Zoidberg: You bet! Zapp: Alright, Kif, let's show these freaks what a bloated, runaway military budget can do. Bring me the activation codes for our global defence network. Kif: Aye, aye, sir. Computer Voice: Commence lip identification scan. No tongue. Zapp: We can't be too careful with these codes. Rumour has it a double agent may be aboard this very ship. I'm watching you! You, ensign, what's your name? "Ensign": Hugh Man, sir. Zapp: Hugh Man? Now that's a name I can trust. Run down to the central battle computer and enter these codes. Chop, chop! Kif: Um, sir? There's something about that ensign that's- Zapp: You're damn right there is! That strapping young lad's gunning for your job. And he just might get it. Zapp: The enemy approacheth! Lieutenant, fire missile one and recommend me for another medal. Make it gaudy, I'm going clubbing later. Tick, tock! Kif: Sir, all planetary defences have been disabled. Perhaps the Decapodians acquired our secret codes, somehow. Zapp: Well, Kif, stand by to take the blame. Steady, steady ... now! Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, how can you claim to love freedom and then enslave all of Earth? Zoidberg: Bah! Your planet doesn't deserve freedom until it learns what it is to not have freedom. It's a lesson, I say. Fry: Ow! Bender: What the hell is this dirt pile we're building, anyhow? Zoidberg: None of your beeswax, slave! You'll find out soon enough. Just focus on globing that mud. Glob! Fry: I'm no good at being a slave. I'm thinking about graduate school. Y'know, to become a barber? Leela: This can't go on. Today is the day we fight back! Bender: It's already 10 o'clock! Leela: Oh, you're right. Tomorrow is the day we fight back. Zapp: Yeah? Well good luck, sister. All our modern technology is useless. Bender: I know I am. Fry: Hey, wait! I'm having one of those things. You know, a headache with pictures? Leela: An idea? Fry: Back in my day we didn't have your fancy all-digital weapons, but we still managed to kill each other just fine. Bender: Ah, the crossbow. A pitiless, elegant killing machine. The Bender of the 15th century. Fry: Not big enough. We need something that can take out an entire army. Something you could commit a war crime with- Bender: Wow! Ow! Ambassador Mervin: Earth slaves, behold the fruit of your labours The Mobile Oppression Palace. Bender: Neat! Ambassador Mervin: I don't need to tell you that occupation forces are expensive. But with the Mobile Oppression Palace, a few dignitaries can oppress your entire planet for pennies a day. Warships, dismissed! Old Man Waterfall: Do your worst, you sea devils! I'll make my stand with Ol' Freebie. You can crush me but you can't crush my spirit! My spirit! Frieda Waterfall: Great Grandpa, no! Another victim of the mano-centric male-ocracy. Zoidberg: Ambassador Mervin, you killed my lawyer. Ambassador Mervin: You're welcome. Zoidberg: He defended my freedom when no one else would. He was a good and honourable man. Old Man Waterfall: I request a Satanic funeral. Zoidberg: Is it possible that all this slavery and oppression is shmutzing up our freedom lesson? Ambassador Mervin: Ah, take a pill, Zoidberg. Begin again with the crushing! Fry: You haven't won yet, Mervin! You didn't expect us to even go to a museum, much less steal this ancient heat-seeking missile. Ambassador Mervin: I don't even know you. Decapodian Woman: Oh, it's gonna make such a mess! Ambassador Mervin: This is your secret plan? Meh! Heat-seeking missiles are useless against the Mobile Oppression Palace. All Decapodian technology is cold-blooded, like us! Zoidberg: All eyes on Zoidberg! Ew! Bender: Hey, I need that to smoke! Fry: Zoidberg, how could you? I used to think you were cool. Zoidberg: Wait! People of Earth, listen. Yes, I'm desecrating a flag. But to preserve the freedom it represents! Leela: Zoidberg, you set us free! I feel like I could stand to hug you! I can't, but you know what I'm trying to say. Crowd: Zoidberg! Zoidberg! Zoidberg! Zoidberg: Ah, if only they appreciated freedom this much on my home planet. Wait a second! They do! Because this is my home planet. Nixon: And now, to raise this beautiful new flag, a red lobster that won't ruin your dinner, Dr. John Zoidberg! Zoidberg: You're a nice man, Nixon. Scoop Chang: Dr. Zoidberg, how's about you take a bite of the flag for tomorrow's papers? Zoidberg: Oh, I couldn't. Nixon: No, no, no, go ahead. You've earned it! Zoidberg: Well, maybe just a taste. Mmm! Now that's a grand, old flag! I wonder what the Shroud of Turin tastes like.

Fry: I can't take it anymore! They've been at it for hours! (shouting) Give it a rest, you two! Robot: Sorry! Teacher: Good morning, class. I trust you've all prepared for today's final exam. Fry: Uh, excuse me? I missed a few lectures. Uh, what subject is this? Teacher: Ancient Egyptian algebra. Fry: What a nightmare! Teacher: Mister Fry, are those your underpants? Young man, I think it's time you learned a lesson about Lightspeed brand briefs. Announcer: Lightspeed fits today's active lifestyle. Whether you're on the job ... ... or having fun. Lightspeed briefs, style and comfort for the discriminating crotch. Fry: What a weird dream! I'll never get back to sleep. Fry: So you're telling me they broadcast commercials into people's dreams? Leela: Of course. Fry: But, how is that possible? Farnsworth: It's very simple. The ad gets into your brain just like this liquid gets into this egg. Although, in reality, it's not liquid, but gamma radiation. Fry: That's awful. It's like brainwashing. Leela: Didn't you have ads in the 20th century? Fry: Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio. And in magazines and movies and at ball games, on buses and milk cartons and T-shirts and bananas and written on the sky. But not in dreams. No, sir-ee! Bender: Quit squawking, flesh wad. Nobody's forcing you to buy anything. Amy: Yeah. I mean we all have commercials in our dreams but you don't see us running off to buy brand-name merchandise at low, low prices. Perfume Saleswoman: Hi! Care to sample the latest fragrance from Calvin Clone? Amy: No thanks. Perfume Saleswoman: And you, sir? Bender: No thanks. I- Cosmetologist: What a lovely face. We just need to draw attention away from the eye area. Fry: Cool. Can I try these on before I buy them? Salesman: I'm afraid I can't let you open the package. But you can try on the demo pair. Fry: Ooh! Ho, ho, ho! Amy: Hey, Bender! Great new sweater. Bender: New? What sweater? I came in with it. I don't know you people! Salesman: $30, please. Fry: $30? I can't afford that. Unless... Do you take Visa? Salesman: Visa hasn't existed for 500 years. Fry: American Express? Salesman: 600 years. Fry: Discover card? Salesman: Sorry we don't take Discover. Amy: Hey! You're springing for Lightspeed? Pretty ritzy! Fry: No, I can't afford them. Being poor sucks. What kind of world is this where they advertise things not everybody can afford? Amy: Quiet. There's an ad coming on. Mom: Hello, shoppers. It's me, Mom! Fry: Hey who's the rocker jockey? Amy: Guh! It's Mom. The world's most huggable industrialist. Mom: Call me old-fashioned, but when my robot starts to squeak like an old screen door, well, that's when I reach for a can of Mom's Old Fashioned Robot Oil. Bender: Mmm, tasty! Mom: And remember Mom's oil is made with 10% more love than the next leading brand! Announcer: "Mom", "love" and "screen door" are registered trademarks of Momcorp. Fry: Hey, Bender. Sounds like you could use a little of that oil. Bender: I'm boned. Smitty: Freeze, scuzzbot! Bender: Uh, there's obviously been some sort of a mistake here. I'm sure there's- I say I'm sure there's- That is, I'm sure there's ... a very ... reasonable- Amy: Do we have enough money to pay Bender's fine? Fry: 78, 79, 79.50. Crud! We're 50 cents short. Leela: I'd love to chip in but Bender stole my wallet. Fry: Hey, that's my old bank. Maybe my account's still open. Teller: Hmm. We don't seem to have your retina scan, your fingerprint or your colonic map on file. Fry: Yeah, well, I did open the account over a thousand years ago. What about my ATM card? Teller: Do you still remember your PIN number? Fry: Sure! It's the price of a cheese pizza and a large soda back where I used to work, Panucci's Pizza. Teller: OK, you had a balance of 93 cents... Fry: Alright! Teller: And at an average of two-and-a-quarter percent interest over a period of 1000 years, that comes to ... $4.3 billion. Hermes: To Fry. Amy: Cheers! Leela: I know Fry's rich, but do we really have to wear these top hats? Bender: Maybe you don't understand just how rich he is. In fact, I think I'd better put on a monocle. Fry: Pizza dinner on me! Just keep the tab under $50 million. Robot Chef: Yo! I haven't got all day. What kind of pizza yous guys want? Fry: Uh, yeah. We'll have one with everything but anchovies and one with my all time favourite topping, anchovies! Robot Chef: Invalid selection. (normal voice) Yo, what are you talking about? Fry: Anchovies? You know? Those little headless fish? Robot Chef: Does not compute. Does not compute. Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but the anchovy has been extinct since the 2200's. Fry: What? Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Fished to death. Just about the time your people arrived on Earth wasn't it, Zoidberg? Zoidberg: I'm not on trial here. Fry: So none of you has ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were all salty and oily and they melted in your mouth and- Zoidberg: Stop! Stop! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying "One more can't hurt" and then they were gone. We're sorry! Fry: I just wish I could've showed you guys how great they were. I may be rich but I still can't buy back all the things I miss from the 20th century. Bender: Maybe you're forgetting just how rich you are. Huh? Huh? Fry: So? What do you think? Leela: I know you spent a lot of money on this place, Fry, but it's awfully primitive. The floors are made of such hard wood. Bender: Hey! Get a load of this pathetic 20th century TV! Fry: What's wrong with it? Bender: Well, aside from causing eye cancer, these things had a lousy low-definition picture. Amy: That's true. On a TV like this I bet you couldn't even make out my obscene tattoo. Leela: That's cute! Auctioneer: Sold! Fry: Yes! Leela: I just don't get it. Who was this Ted Danson, and why would you pay $10,000 for his skeleton? Fry: I have an idea for a sitcom. Bender: Ah, leave him alone, Leela. So he's going a little wacko with his money. It's OK. Leela: You're just saying that because he bought you that antique robot toy. Bender: Yeah, it is cute. Auctioneer: Now, our final item This unopened can of Angry Norwegian brand anchovies circa 1997. Fry: Anchovies? Auctioneer: The last known can in existence guaranteed fresh and edible. Do I hear $10,000? Fry: 15,000! Man: 20! Decapodian Woman: 30! No, 40! Fry: 50,000! Leela: Are you crazy? It's a can of old fish. Fry: Don't tell me how to spend my money. Auctioneer: 50 going once, twice- Mom: 75,000. Leela: Oh, my God! It's Mom! I've never seen her in person before. Fry: 100,000. Leela: Fry, you can't bid against Mom; she's the richest, most powerful person in the world. And she's so adorable. Mom: Well, I suppose I could go as high as ... 300,000. Fry: 500! Mom: Oh, mercy be. A million. Fry: Two. Mom: Six. Fry: 14! Mom: I can see the nice young man really wants those little fish. Nevertheless, I'll bid 23 million. Fry: One jillion dollars. Auctioneer: Sir, that's not a number. Fry: Oh. In that case, 50 million. Mom: Well, boys, your old mother knows when she's been beat. You win, young man. I tip my bonnet to you. Bidder #1: Isn't she adorable? Bidder #2: Isn't she sweet? Auctioneer: What a class act! Sold! To the gentleman who bought every item in today's auction. Fry: Now for some good old 20th century TV. Announcer: Do you remember a time when chocolate chip cookies came fresh from the oven? Petridge Farm remembers. Fry: Ah, those were the days. Announcer: Do you remember a time when women couldn't vote and certain folk weren't allowed on golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers. Leela: Fry? Are you there? Fry: Eh? Leela: You haven't been to work in three days. What have you been doing? Fry: I've been sitting right here. I picked up my life exactly where I left off a thousand years ago. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's eight o'clock. Time to get biz-ay! Leela: You can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music. Fry: I could if you hadn't turned on the lights and shut off the stereo. Leela: Fry, this isn't healthy. You're living in the past. Fry: I'm rich! I can live whenever I want. Leela: But we're your friends and we live here in the year 3000. Bender: Yeah! Now are you gonna come to the squid fights with us or sit here wallowing in your prehistoric junk? Fry: Junk? Maybe you can't understand this, but I've finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends, it's things. Bender: I'm a thing. Fry: Just leave me alone. Leela: Fry, please- (from outside) My ponytail's caught in the door. Fry: I don't need them. Not when I have my antique videos, my bucket of fossilised KFC and 50 million dollars worth of anchovies. Mom: Mercy me, what a day. Mom: Could you shut the door, Igner, dear? I think I feel a draught coming on. Holy crap, that bastard's itchy! Walt! Cream soda! Walt: Right away, mother. Larry, get your mother a cream soda. Larry: But, Mom said- Walt: You heard me. Igner: What's wrong, Mommy? Mom: It's those damned anchovies. That dirtbag, Fry, must know their secret. And I won't rest until I get my hands on them. No one messes with Mom! Walt: Quiet, you! Mom: As you boys know, one of the cornerstones of my empire is Mom's Old Fashioned Robot Oil. Think of it 10 billion robots, each one needing an oil change every 3000 miles. You don't have to do the math to know that's a buttload of oil. Igner: Can I wear your fat suit? Mom: No, Igner, put that down! Walt: What does this have to do with the anchovies? Mom: I'm getting to the freaking anchovies. A single drop of the anchovies' natural oil would lubricate 10 robots permanently. Larry: Wow, it's a shame they went extinct. Mom: No, it isn't! Shut your filthy trap! (talking) Thank you, Walt. If anyone ever got a hold of anchovy DNA, they could chop out the oil-making gene, stick it in a bunch of Third-World kids and bam! Cheap effective robot oil. Enough to put dear, old Mom out of businness. Walt: My God! This Mr. Fry must be a mastermind of the highest order. Fred: Esther, you ugly! Mom: We have only one option We'll have to bankrupt Mr. Fry, so he'll be forced to sell the anchovies to us. Walt: Mother, you are one clever old skag! Mom: And don't you forget it! Larry: But how are we supposed to get Fry's money out of the bank? Mom: That part will be easy, thanks to the nice people at Mom's Old Fashioned Video Surveillance Unit. Teller: Do you still remember your PIN number? Fry: Sure! It's the price of a cheese pizza and a large soda back where I used to work, Panucci's Pizza. It's the price of a cheese pizza and a large soda- Mom: You know what needs to be done. Larry: What? Mom: Get his PIN number, you idiots! (talking) Now I'm off to some charity BS for knocked-up teenage sluts. Walt: Mr. Fry, it's those three plumbers you called for. Larry: We're here to tighten your drain. Fry: I didn't order any- Walt: Quick! Give him the tranquilliser. Larry: That's a good boy. Walt: Wake up, Mr. Fry. Fry: Where am I? Walt: You're in the good old year 2000, working here at Panucci's Pizza. You fell asleep on the job. Fry: That sounds like me but I thought I got frozen. Wasn't I in the future? Walt: No, you only "dreamed" you were in the year 3000. Fry: So I'm really back? That's exactly what I wanted, I guess. Who are you? Walt: I'm Mr. Panucci. Fry: You are? Did you grow a moustache since last night? Walt: No. Now go work the currency register, I think I hear a customer coming. I said, "I think I hear a customer coming"! Anderson: Hurry up, please. I wanna get back to the Head Museum. Larry: Don't worry, Miss Anderson, this won't take long. Now, your motivation is you're back in the year 2000 and your head's still on your body, and you want a cheese pizza. Anderson: OK. But I'm only doing this so people will take my head seriously as an actress. Fry: Hey, look! Anchovies! Walt: Of course. They're not extinct yet. And if you need further proof that this is really a thousand years ago, well, here's contemporary actress, Pamela Anderson! Fry: Ooh! Anderson: Hello, Fry. Remember me from Baywatch The Movie? Fry: Uh... Anderson: It was the first movie to be shot entirely in slow-motion. Walt: It hasn't been made yet. Anderson: Then he doesn't know I won the Oscar? Walt: Nope. Anderson: Crap! Fry: Wait. You're Pamela Anderson! Cool! What can I get you? Anderson: Oh, I'll have a cheese pizza and a large ... uh ... line? Larry: Soda! Anderson: Oh, right! Cheese pizza and a large soda! Fry: Uh, cheese and a- That was quick! Anderson: So. What do I owe you? Fry: 10.77. Same as my PIN number. Igner: Hey! You don't get to laugh. Igner: Thanks a billion! Larry: More like 4.3 billion! Igner: Ow! Larry: Ow! Fry: Oh, I had a nightmare I was in the year 2000 and you guys never existed. I'm so glad I'm awake now and you're really here. Leela: Since when do you care about us? Bender: We thought you only cared about cans of anchovies and stuffy old songs about the buttocks. Fry: No, that's not true! Leela: Goodbye-ee! Bender: Whee! Announcer: This dream brought to you by Lightspeed briefs. Fry: Bender! Leela! Don't leave me. Wait a minute! Hey, buddy, what year is this? Repo-Bot: Uh, 3000. Fry: 3000? Yes! I'm still in the future! Life is wonderful! Wait! What are you doing with my stuff? Repo-Bot: Uh, cheque bounced. We're taking it all back. Fry: Oh, no! My ATM card! My secret PIN number - 1077. I've got nothing left. Except... Leela: You're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy? Farnsworth: Uh, wha? Oh, yes! They say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad! And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters. Atomic supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies that suck blood out of... Fry: Leela! Bender! I missed you so much! Leela: You did? What happened? Fry: I was robbed. They got everything except these. Bender: Who did? Mom: Hello, Fry. Leela: It's Mom! Mom: I felt terrible when I heard about your money troubles and I thought maybe I could help out a sweet, young man by buying his anchovies. Fry: Sorry. But the anchovies aren't for sale. Mom: What? Listen, you little bastard. I control the robot oil business and I won't let you ruin me. How much do you want? Fry: You might as well put that chequebook away, because I've discovered something even more important My friends. And they aren't worth even a penny to me. That's why these anchovies are going on a pizza, so I can share the food I love with the people I like. Mom: Holy hell! You're going to eat them? Oh, well. Just make sure you eat them all, you're a growing boy. Toodle-oo! Dumb ass! Fry: What a nice lady! Fry: OK, my friends. Get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted. Amy: I don't know, I've had cow. Ew! Gross! Fry: Ah, no one likes them at first but they'll grow on you. Zoidberg: That stench. That heavenly stench! More! Fry: There aren't any more. And there never will be. Zoidberg: More! More! More! More!

John Dimaggio: Wooo! Two, three! Farnsworth: Oh, my. Bender: Here we go, y'all! Zoidberg: Zoidberg...Zoidberg...Z-Z-Z-Z-Zoidberg. Bender: This is a story about all my friends! Farnsworth: Fry? Fry: Unh!! Farnsworth: Fry? Announcer: Previously on All My Circuits... Antonio: I'm sorry, Father. But, somewhere along the way, I forgot how to be your son. Calculon: Why, Antonio? Antonio: Because ... I have amnesia! Monique: Calculon? But I thought you were- Calculon: Egyptian? Monique: Before I kill you, I must ask you one question Who am I? For I have ... amnesia! Calculon: Let me get this straight Does anyone here not have amnesia? Monique: Not sure. Human Friend: I 'unno. Cubert: This show is awesome! When I grow up I'm gonna have so much amnesia! Dwight: Me too. I mean, I have it now, but I forgot. Cubert: Well, mine's louder! Bender: Cram a ham in it, you twerps! Sorry! Fry: Nah, I had it coming. Calculon: Welcome, swingers. Pull up a groove and get fabulous. Monique: Nude rocks bands, big piles of what I assume is talcum powder. It's quite a birthday party, Calculon. Cubert: Cool! I'm gonna have a fabulatious birthday party just like Calculon! Dwight: Oh, yeah? Well I'm gonna show up looking good, just like Monique. Leela: Do you two have to imitate everything you see on TV? Cubert: Um, we're 12. So, yes. Dwight: Hold up, Cubert. You're a clone of the Professor. Do clones even have birthdays? Cubert: Um, duh! Dwight: "Duh" what? Cubert: Dad? Do I have a birthday? Farnsworth: Hmm. You didn't have a birth so, technically, no. Oh, don't feel bad. We can celebrate the day I extracted you from the cloning tank, or the day I scraped your DNA from that growth on my back. Cubert: Ooh! That one! Farnsworth: Ah, yes. It was 13 years ago next week. I used this very fork. Hermes: Aw, well isn't that- Ew! Dwight: Hey! Next week'll be my birthday too. Hermes: That's true. If only there were a way to have one party for both of you here at the office then write it off as a business expense. Wait! I thought of a way! The way I just said! Cubert: Yeah! Dwight: Way to go, Pops! Bender: Something's happening on television. Calculon: Oh, Monique, why did we wait so many years to bathe in champagne? Antonio: Father, I've discovered the shocking secret mother has kept from you for 200 years. Monique: No! No! Antonio: Brace yourself. For when I speak these words, you may well suffer an attack of explosive amnesia. For you see, the horrible secret is- Bender: Whoever's directing this is a master of suspense! Sal: He's busteds. Let's get hims outta heres. Announcer: We now join America's most popular show already in progress, Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad. Fry: This show's been going downhill since season three. Zoidberg: Look who's here, everyone! It's Zoidberg, the lovable tramp! Leela: Since when are you performing at children's parties? Zoidberg: Performing? What? Please, if someone could spare me money to buy shoes- Dwight: This party pukes. Cubert: Yeah! The guests were supposed to be here three hours ago. Farnsworth: Well, that doesn't mean that no one is coming or that you two are total losers. Who gave you that idea? Dwight: Alright! They must have all come as a group. Cubert: Welcome, swingers! Pull up a groove and get fabulous. Tinny Tim: Good day, fellows. Someone dumped this invitation in my begging cup. Happy growth-scraping day to all! Hermes: Fire 'em all. Farnsworth: Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Bender: Guys! Guys! Something's happening on television again. Morbo: Welcome to Entertainment And Earth Invasion Tonite. Across the galaxy, my people are completing the mighty space fleet that will exterminate the human race! But first, this news from Tinseltown. Linda: Following Antonio Calculon Jr.'s breakdown on the set, the popular TV show All My Circuits will hold an open casting call for child robots to replace him. Bender: An open casting call for child robots? Tinny Tim, are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? Tinny Tim: What's that, sir? Bender: That I, Bender, am perfect for the role! Tinny Tim: You raised my hopes and dashed them quite expertly, sir. Bravo! Leela: Bender, your swarthy Latin charm will only get you so far. There's a lot of famous child acting units here. Fry: Look! There's Macaulay Culkon. Leela: He's just not cute since he got puberty installed. Fry: Pst. There's that robot child actor who grew up and robbed a convenience store! Leela: And there's that robot child actor who grew up and became a convenience store! Robber-Bot: Lottery ticket, please. Casting Director: We're ready for the first audition. Emotitron Jr.? Mombot: Hold on, precious. Let's make you look nice for the lady. What's this? What did I tell you? No more hanging wires! Casting Director: In this scene, you've just found out your real father is Calculon's fourth evil identical septuplet, Sleazy Martinez. OK ... take us there! Emotitron Jr.: Now that I know the truth, Father, I must ride south and join the robo-bandidos at Veracruz. Bender: Awful! Boo! This kid sucks! We want Bender! Boo! Calculon: Well, I thought he was good but the audience seems to have turned on him. Casting Director: But I don't think- Calculon: Next! Macaulay Culkon: -At Veracruz. So, if you'll kindly hand me my poncho- Bender: Boo! Bring on Bender! Boo! Bender's the greatest! Calculon: Sorry, kid. You're flailing up there. 90 actors and they all got boo-ed. I just wish we could get this Bender I keep hearing about. They say he's the greatest. Casting Director: Well, there is a robot named Bender here but he's much too old for- Calculon: Send him in forthwith! Bender: Boo! Not as good as Bender! Boo! Casting Director: Mr. Bender? Casting Director: Have you ever been on TV before? Bender: Once, when I took those hostages. Calculon: I saw that! You were good. Let's hear you audition. Bender: Bandidos, eh? Aw, this is great! 'Cause I happen to have a flawless Spanish accent! I will see. Adios Padre! Come, Jesus, my faithful ... chee-huey-hua. Tonight we eat ... gee-wack-a-mole by the El Rio! Calculon: That was so terrible I think you gave me cancer! I don't care how popular you are. You will never work on my show! Fry: Yay, Bender! Leela: We demand Bender! Calculon: However, you've got the job. Welcome aboard, son! Bender: Father-o! Calculon: Bender, I'd like you to meet our director ... ... whose name I never learned. Bender: Yo! I read the script and I think it would help my character's motivation if he was on fire. Director: Uh, don't worry about the script, baby. We re-wrote your part to better suit your acting abilities. Bender: So now my character has a British accent? Director: No, now your character's in a coma. Get in bed and don't move. And ... action! Bender: Stupid dumb coma ... coulda been British. Calculon: Alas that mine only son should sink into an irreversible, permanent ... coma. Bender: Permanent? That's completely out of character for Antonio. I'm gettin' up. Calculon: Curse the tragic wildebeest accident that- Bender: Hey, everyone! Antonio here, but you can call me "Bender"! I got ants in my butt and I needs to strut. C'mon, baby! Come on! Calculon: I'm not familiar with the type of thing I'm seeing. Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass! Ooh, yeah! C'mon, baby! Come on! Yeah! Director: Cut! That's the worst coma acting I've ever seen. We'll have to shoot it again. Calculon: No! No, no, no. I don't do two takes. Director: But this guy was- Calculon: Amateurs like you do two takes. I do one take. Print it. I'll be in my three-storey trailer. Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass! Ooh, yeah! C'mon, baby! Come on! Yeah! Bender: Now that's hospital dancing. Pretty good, eh, Calcky? Calculon: Good? I've seen better acting from extras in Godzilla movies. I don't even remember shooting this scene. Director: We didn't. That's security camera footage from your dressing room. Calculon: He stole the scene and my money? That's it! I demand you fire this felonious ham! Director: The network Execubots are coming! Calculon: Oh, dear God! Betabot: Presenting the president of the network. Network President: Greetings, gentlemen. You already know my Execubots Executive Alpha, programmed to like things it has seen before. Alphabot: Hey, hey, hey. Network President: Executive Beta, programmed to roll dice to determine the fall schedule. Betabot: More reality shows. Network President: And Executive Gamma, programmed to underestimate middle America. Gammabot: It's funny but is it going to get them off their tractors? Network President: Now, who put this obnoxious, dancing robot on my network? Director: We were about to fire him, sir. Network President: Silence, hack! We've been monitoring our Nielsen families carefully. And during the 12 seconds Bender was on screen, viewer eyeball focus was up 90%. Calculon: But, sir, children watch this show. Bender's no role model, he's a filth monger! Network President: At our network, we love filth! Filthy rich, that is! Being filthy rich, that is! "Bite my shiny metal ass" could be a catchphrase. Alphabot: 80% likely. Gammabot: It will play in Peoria. Betabot: Gameshows are back. Network President: We need this edgy, sweeps-ready robot on our network. Bender? Can you continue to drink, smoke and steal things on TV? Bender: Yes, I can. Tinny Tim: Yeah! Shooting! Dwight: Alright! Dwight: Yo! Check out what I jacked from my dad. Cubert: A cigar! Tinny Tim: Ripping! Dwight: Look! I'm Bender! Hermes: Ras H. Tafari! What's goin' on here? Farnsworth: The ruffians smoked one of your cigars. Hermes: That's not a cigar. Uh ... and it's not mine! Cubert: Hey, Dad! Bite my shiny metal ass! Farnsworth: What? Such an act would be most uncomfortable for both of us! Where did you learn such language? Tinny Tim: From Bender, my good jerkwad. Hermes: Bender, eh? That guy's really startin' to twist my dreads. Bender: OK, OK, OK. Get ready for this part. Zoidberg: Quiet, robot! Bender's on TV. Monique: Oh, Calculon, it's so good to get away from the city and that beastly, yet intriguing, Bender. Bender: Try this, kids at home! Linda: Is television sensation Bender a bad role model for Earth children? Bender: That's crazy! Linda: A new protest group, Fathers Against Rude Television, says "Hell, yes!" Fry: Pft! What kind of bozos would start a Bender protest group? Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Hermes and I have started a Bender protest group. Zoidberg: That was uncanny. Hermes: Fathers Against Rude Television don't want our kids watching Bender's high-definition filth. Farnsworth: And for what? Some kind of cheap laugh? That's not what F-A-R-T is all about. Hermes: No, sir! Not us FARTers. Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't censor me just 'cause I'm an obscenely bad role model. Leela: As unclean as it makes me feel, I agree with Bender. Kids don't turn rotten just from watching TV. Fry: Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools. Cubert: Our dads are all pumped up on dork-osterone. We're just trying to be cool, like Bender. Dwight: Yeah, and it's not even working. Smoking and drinking make us barf. Tinny Tim: Gentle jerkwads. I know how to emulate Bender without barfing. We could commit a burglary. Dwight: Hey, yeah! Cubert: Bender loves to burgle! Dwight: Hold up, though. Who could we rob? We don't even know anyone with cool stuff. Cubert: Duh! We know someone who runs on pure cool fuel Bender! Dwight: Whoa! Tinny Tim: We'll rob Bender! Dwight: TV gave us the idea. Bender: You're watching Futurama, the show that does not advocate the cool crime of robbery. Cubert: OK. It's crime time. Fry: Hey, Bender. Hey, Bender. Hey, Bender. Hey, Bender. Farnsworth: What's going on in here? Oh. Now I'm really outraged. Hermes: Where did you requisition this party? And Zoidberg, what are you doing here? Zoidberg: I'm networking. Let me give you my card. Cubert: Relax, Dad. We just invited a few friends over. Farnsworth: Hmm. There's something wrong with your story but I can't put my finger on it. Of course! You don't have friends! Hermes: Yeah. Why do these popular kids consider you cool all of a sudden? Dwight: Um ... we're just cool, is all! Farnsworth: Balderdash! I'll be the judge of who's cool, using the cool-o-meter! Cool-O-Meter: Oh, yeah! Farnsworth: Good Lord! I'm getting a reading of over 40 mega-Fonzies. Hermes: Everybody out! Zoidberg: So, do you guys know about anything else going on, because I'm totally still ready to party. Hermes: There's enough cool stuff here to furnish a happenin' pad. Where did it all come from? Tinny Tim: Don't tell, comrades. All for one and one for all! Dwight: We stole it! Tinny Tim: Oh, crumb! Bender: What? What's going on? Farnsworth: I'll tell you what. Our boys have taken up stealing! One of the worst and coolest of crimes. Hermes: And all from watching you on TV, you cool jerk. Bender: Hey, lay off me. TV would stink if everyone on it was a positive role model. Bender is about entertainment, baby! You can't hold me responsible for what kids do when- Hey! This is my stuff they stole! That's the last straw! Bender should not be allowed on television! Bender: Bender must be stopped. I've gone too far. Who does that guy think I am? Come on! We're gonna march all the way to Hollywood and make them stop forcing their filthy me down our throats! Fart Mob: Down with Bender! Down with Bender! Down with Bender! Down with Bender! Bender: This mob's with me. Security Guard: Go ahead. Fart Mob: Down with Bender! Down with Bender! Down with Bender! Down with- Bender! Down with Bender! Calculon: As a doctor and captain of this hospital ship, I now pronounce you man and wife with six months to live. Farnsworth: Listen up, Hollywood. We're an exciting, new mob. Bender: Yeah! Hermes: You'd better believe it! Calculon: Great Shatner's ghost! Bender: We demand that all TV's be equipped with a B-Chip that blocks Bender from appearing on the screen. Farnsworth: Booya! Network President: I'm afraid the answer is a gritty, in-your-face no. Bender: Then I quit. Network President: Then you don't quit. I think you'll be finishing the scene now, Mr. Bender. And don't skimp on the nasty. Farnsworth: There'll be no further nasty. We still have the option of resorting to violence. Hermes: What makes you think that'll work? Farnsworth: I saw it on TV in that episode where Bender shot Calculon. How cool was that? Bender: Ooh, yeah! C'mon- Farnsworth: Quit the show! Network President: Do the scene. Farnsworth: I'm a cold-blooded punk! Network President: I once put a laugh track on a sitcom that had no jokes in it. Bender: Hey, look! The prop guy has a lamp! Network President: Really? Farnsworth: Wha? Bender: Aha! Farnsworth: I was using that! Bender: Listen up, 'cause I've got a climactic speech! You, cameraman, keep the camera rolling. You, director, gimmie my motivation. Director: You're angry. Bender: Perfect. Viewers of the world, do smoking and drinking on TV really make me cool? Of course they do. How 'bout committing crimes and violence? Again, the answer is "yes". But do we really want our kids exposed to that kind of trash on TV? I say absolutely not! Uh ... on the other hand, most, perhaps all the blame, rests with the parents. That's right, you! And so I ask you this one question Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them? Hermes: We're just so busy. Bender: Well make time. Director: And ... cut! Calculon: Good enough. Splice in some reaction shots of me and shove it on the air. Bender: Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them? Hermes: Well, I'd say we all learned a valuable lesson about TV there. Cubert: What was it? Farnsworth: Uh ... that we should all take TV a little less seriously. And more importantly, turn it off once in a while. Fry: Hear, hear! Leela: Yeah! Bender: Damn right! Dwight: So, should we turn it off now? Farnsworth: Well, uh, that depends what's on. Fry: Nothing good. Farnsworth: Ah, let's just keep watching. Bender: TV party tonight! Farnsworth: Wha? Bender: TV party tonight! Farnsworth: Oh! Fry: We've got nothing better to do. Leela: Than watch TV and have a couple of brews! Zoidberg: Don't wanna talk about anything else. Fry: We don't wanna know! Farnsworth: We're dedicated, yes! Hermes: To our favourite shows! Cubert: All My Circuits Dwight: Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad! Amy: Scary Door! Leela: Blernsday Night Blernsball! Bender: Futurama!

Bender: For my next trick, notice I have nothing up my sleeves ... ... and nothing in my head. So if my lovely assistant will kindly supply me with an ordinary, non-fake pitcher of milk... Behold, the milk has vanished! Exiled, perhaps, to another dimension! Fry: Amazing! That's why they call you "Bender the Magnificent"! Bender: No, it isn't. Fry: Whoa! They discovered an intact, 20th century pizzeria, just like the one I used to work at. Bender: Interesting. No, wait, the other thing ... tedious. Fry: Let's go check it out. You can see how I lived before I met you. Bender: You lived before you met me? Fry: Sure. Lots of people did. Bender: Really? Bender: Truly, they were as gods who built this place! Tour Guide: Next, we come to the splendidly-preserved wooden pizza paddle. Scientists theorise it was used to gently discipline the delivery boy. Fry: Wait a second! This is Panucci's! I used to work in this exact pizzeria! And for your information, lady, this was not just used to paddle my butt. It was also used to move pizzas and crush rats. Tour Guide: I don't know where you get your facts, sir, but I am a volunteer housewife with 45 minutes of orientation and a Harlequin romance about archaeologists. Fry: Don't wave your fancy degrees at me! I recognise all this stuff. Petrified sausages, old Mr. Patelli. And that's- Man: Yes? Fry: Pizza delivery for Mr. ... ... Seymour Asses. Man: There's no one by that name here ... or anywhere. I hope that in time you'll realise what an idiot you've been. Fry: I wouldn't count on that. Fry: Aw! Poor little guy. You look like you haven't eaten in a month. Here ... ... but if Mr. Panucci asks, your name is Seymour Asses. I like you, Seymour. You're not constantly judging me like all the other dogs ... are you? Nah! We understand each other. People think you're just a dumb mutt who smells bad, can't find a girlfriend and has a crummy job. But you're keepin' it real and you call no man "Mister". Well, goodbye. Live long and prosper. Bender: Yuck! That's the least appetising calzone I've ever seen! Fry: No! That's my dog in there. It's an outrage, I say! I'm taking him home and I'd like to see anyone try and stop me. Uh-oh! Bender: And then he was ejected by the guards. Needless to say, I was mortified. Fry: Well it's not right to make my dead pet an exhibit. That's like digging up Lassie and putting her on display in the Louvre. Amy: Lassie is on display in the Louvre. Fry: I know. I was deliberately describing a similar situation. Farnsworth: Why don't you try protesting? Like those native Martians; always whining that people don't treat their ancestor's bones with respect. Bender: Nah, protesting never works. Fry: You're right. I'll give it a shot! Crowd: What do you want? Fry: Fry's dog! Crowd: When do you want it? Fry: Fry's dog! I will now perform my people's native dance. Leela: It says this part of The Hustle implores the gods to grant a favour. Usually a Trans-AM. Fry: I'm walking on sunshine! Oh-oh-oh! I'm walking on sunshine! Oh-oh-oh! That a boy, Seymour! Right here waiting for me as always. Just like that huge mushroom in my shower. Panucci: Hey! There's our little mascot. Aw, you been swimming in the sewer again? You rascal! Fry, cleanup! Fry: Seymour, cleanup! Good dog! Panucci: That's a good Seymour! Boy: Yo! There's dog fur on my slice! Panucci: Nah, that's vermicelli! No fur in here! Fry: He's so cute! He can do two things at one time Eat and swim. Ooh, three things! Leela: Fry, it's been three days. You can't keep boogie-ing like this. You'll come down with a fever of some sort. Ben Beeler: Mr. Fry? I'm Dr. Ben Beeler, the palaeontologist who discovered your dog. Or as some call it, the "Beelersaurus". Fry: So do I get Seymour back? Are you caving to political pressure? Beeler: No, we're sorry but there's just too much that fossil can teach us about dogs from your time. Fry: His name was Seymour. He was once intimate with the leg of a wandering saxophonist. He had wet dog smell, even when dry. And he was not above chasing the number 29 bus. Ray: The 29? Interesting. Beeler: That's all I needed. Ray? Ray: I'm good. Beeler: OK then. Here's your dog back. Fry: Seymour! Bender: Lady and gentleman! How 'bout a hand for my temporary replacement assistant? Zoidberg: I was all in this part! It's magic! Bender: You are not fit to wear Fry's leotard! Zoidberg: Stop! Fry: Good news, everyone! Bender: Hooray, he's back! And he's looking for a garbage can to put the rock in! Here you go, buddy! Farnsworth: No. Actually we've discovered that Fry's dog was fast-fossilised, preserving it's cellular structure! Fry: Which means we can clone it! Seymour will live again! Zoidberg: A little land mammal! Fry: Can you believe it, Bender? I'm going to have my best friend back! Cubert: Why the idiot convention? Farnsworth: Ah, Cubert, my precious babe. I'm going to attempt to clone Fry's dog using the very same apparatus I used to clone you. Ooh, look! There's a smidge of toe still in here. You see, beneath the fossil's crunchy, mineral shell, there's still a creamy core of dog nougat. Fry: So will Seymour remember how to sing Walking On Sunshine? Farnsworth: Amazingly, yes. In cases of rapid fossilisation, I can press this brain scan button, retrieving Seymour's memories at the precise instant of doggy death. Fry: I'm gonna get my puppy back! In your face, Grim Reaper! Bender: Crappy ineffective Reaper! Farnsworth: I just need to reset the Clone-O-Mat from Human Mode to Dog Mode. Computer Voice: The dog says- Farnsworth: Uh-oh, this may take a while. Boy: You stink, loser! Panucci: Hey, Fry. Pizza goin' out. C'mon! Fry: But I'm celebrating New Year's Eve. Panucci: Like you got squat to celebrate! You're a delivery boy this millennium and you'll be a delivery boy next millennium! What's with Seymour? It's like he don't want you to go. Or he thinks your pants is too short, or somethin'. Which is crazy 'cause, frankly, you look fabulous. Now get goin'! Fry: I won't be gone long, Seymour. Just wait here till I come back. Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for ... ... Icy Wiener? Aw, crud! Here's to another lousy millennium. Crowd: Five, four, three, two. Fry: What the-? Bender: A dog collar, for me? You shouldn't have! Fry: That's for Seymour. Bender: Oh. Bender: Say, why'd you get me a subscription to the Daily Growl? That's not a reputable journal of opinion. Fry: Oh, that's also for Seymour. I'm getting everything ready for when he's cloned. Bender: Are you on the junk, Fry? Why are you wasting time on a creature of inferior intelligence? Fry: Hey, he was smart! He could fetch. Bender: I can fetch. Fry: He could dig up bones. Bender: Hello? Charlemagne? Plus, I bet he couldn't create a laser show with his head. Fry: Look, Bender, this has nothing to do with you. Bender: That's impossible! Fry: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm working on Seymour's doghouse. Bender: No one ever asks if Bender would like to live in a tiny little house. Not that I would. A tiny little house that says "Bender" on it. Ow! Fry: This is Fry. If you're calling about the used towels for sale, they're still available for $45 each. Mr. Fry: Phil, it's your father. Where are you? You're holding up New Year's brunch. Your brother can't wait any longer. Yancy: Hello, first baloney of the new millennium! Ah, here he comes. That's him and Seymour. Mrs. Fry: Well that's weird. Seymour's here but- Go! Go! Touchdown! But where's Philip? Mr. Fry: I'm tellin' you, the Y2K computer's got him. We'll face burnin' roads, rivers exploding, calculators transformed into Scud missiles. There's nothing we can do. What's that, Seymour? You walking on sunshine? Yancy: He's trying to tell us something. Maybe he can lead us to Philip. Yancy: Should we follow him? Mr. Fry: To our deaths? Negatory. Mr. Fry: It's the Y2K tryin' to lure us into an ambush. And I ain't buyin' it. Pass the baloney. Fry: Are you two gonna be done soon? Leela: Sorry, but we need to practise hand-to-hand combat in case an enemy knocks the laser guns out of our hands and they slide way across the room. Fry: Well could you do it some place else? I'm setting up Seymour's doggy bed. Leela: OK. Bender: Heel, boy, heel! Oh, hello, Fry! I guess I didn't notice you there. I'm having such fun with my new best friend, Robo-Puppy. Fry: That's nice. Bender: I was just out walking him. Yes, you can walk him. Of course, after he goes you have to refill the canisters. C'mere, boy! Pet, pet, pet. Robo-Puppy: Robo-Puppy receiving petting. Amy: Bender, are you jealous of Fry's puppy? That's so adorable! Bender: Jealous? Not while I have the love of Robo-Puppy here. Robo-Puppy, lick my cheek. Robo-Puppy: Robo-Puppy preparing to lick cheek. Robo-Puppy commencing cheek-licking. Licking in progress. Licking complete. Bender: Robo-Puppy truly is robot's best friend, huh? Fry: Ah, there! Perfect! Holo-Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! The Clone-O-Mat is ready! Fry: Finally! Robo-Puppy: Robo-Puppy commencing two-hour yipping session. Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert! Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert! Farnsworth: Behold once more, the mighty Clone-O-Mat! Requiring such vast amounts of electricity that we must harness the elemental power of nature itself. I speak, of course, of molten lava deep within the Earth's core. To the sub-basement! Farnsworth: Powering up Clone-O-Mat. Placing fossil on the Plat-Clone-O-Form. Initiating dog brain CAT scan. Fry: Come on, boy! Come back to life! Farnsworth: Know ye now what feels like to be dog god! Commencing DNA extraction. Bender: Fry, c'mon, the talent show! Fry: What? I'm in the middle of something. Bender: But, if we don't perform, in what sense do we have an act? Fry: Bender, enough! Leave me alone! Bender: So that's how it is, huh? I thought you were my friend. But if you love your dog so much, maybe you'd rather play fetch! Leela: No! Zoidberg: Oh! Bender: Now I'm all you got! Fry: I hate you! I hate you! You evil metal man! Ow! Bender: So anyway your dog is melted. Now we're friends again. Farnsworth: Not necessarily. For the dog may yet survive. Fry: May yet? Really? Farnsworth: Indeed. You see, that fossil was made of dolomite; The tough black mineral that won't cop out when there's heat all about. By contrast, observe the lava's affect on this ice swan. Of course, that would have melted even at room temperature. I just wanted to get rid of it. But had it been made of that righteous mineral dolomite, there's a slim chance it might have survived. Fry: So Seymour might still exist? Farnsworth: Perhaps, for a few minutes. It's dolomite, baby! Fry: Then I'm goin' in after him. Amy: No! Leela: Stop! Fry: He'd come after me! Leela: Acting like a moron won't bring your dog back. Fry: Then all hope is lost. Goodbye, Seymour. Bender: Please stop crying, Fry. Here. I assumed you were just pretending to love the dog to toy with my emotions. Oh, what have I done? Zoidberg: You didn't do anything. Don't beat yourself up. Bender: Fry, I'm sorry. I should have understood how someone can love an inferior creature, because I love you. Not in the way of the Ancient Greeks, but the way a robot loves a human, a human loves a dog and, occasionally, a gorilla loves a kitty. I'm goin' in! Farnsworth: I'm a professor! Why isn't anyone listening to me? You can't go in because you'll melt. The fossil only has a chance because it's made of dolomite. Bender: I'm 40% dolomite! Oh, it's hot! It's very hot! Cryogenisist: Ugh! I am one hungover cryogenisist. Just throw that mutt in the freezer till his owners get here. Plumber: You can't solve all your problems by freezing them, boss. Cryogenisist: I think you're forgetting our motto. Mr. Fry: Are you the cryogenisist who called about our son's dog? Cryogenisist: Oh, you must be the Frys. Yeah, he's right over there. Mrs. Fry: Sorry we're late. We all got sick from eating bad baloney. Mr. Fry: Y2K! Mrs. Fry: What's he so worked up about? Mr. Fry: He's just upset 'cause our boy's missing. C'mon, you overgrown rat. Lead us to Philip. Leela: Bender's been down there too long. I'm going in after him. Farnsworth: Professor! Lava! Hot! Fry: This is all my fault. I let my best friend risk his life just to get my dead dog back. Bender! Bender: And that is why they call me Bender the Magnificent! Hey, where'd everybody go? Bender: OK! Let's clone us some dog! Fry: Yeah! Farnsworth: Very well. Let this abomination unto the Lord begin! Interesting. It seems Seymour died at the ripe old age of 15. Fry: 15? You mean he lived for 12 more years after I got frozen? Farnsworth: Indeed. Fry: Stop the cloning. Farnsworth: Oh, sure! Smash the smart guy's machine! Bender: Fry, what's wrong? Fry: Think about it Seymour lived a full life after I was gone. He probably even added new songs to his repertoire. Bender: But that's a good thing. Walking On Sunshine sucks noodles! Fry: I had Seymour till he was three. That's when I knew him and that's when I loved him. I'll never forget him. But he forgot me a long, long time ago.

Zoidberg: Hurry up with the water. I'm steaming inside my own shell, I am. It's that hot, it is! Leela: Hi-yah! Fry: Man, it's hot! How hot is it? It's so hot, I poured McDonald's coffee in my lap to cool off. Johnny Carson said it. Leela: No, Nibbler! Don't drink the pool water! It's full of chlorine! Bender: Lightweights! Oh, wait, chlorine! Farnsworth: Perhaps this movie will help us take our minds off the heat. Bender: Focus! Narrator: Global Warming Or None Like It Hot! Narrator: You're probably wondering why your ice cream went away. Well, Suzie, the culprit isn't foreigners, it's global warming! Suzie: Gwobal wappa? Narrator: Uh, yeah! Meet Mr. Sunbeam. He comes all the way from the sun to visit Earth. Mr. Sunbeam: Hello, Earth! Just poppin' in to brighten your day! And now I'll be on my way! Gas: Not so fast, Sunbeam! We're greenhouse gases. You ain't goin' nowhere! Mr. Sunbeam: Ooh! Ah! Oh, God, it hurts! Narrator: Pretty soon, Earth is chock-full of sunbeams ... ... their rotting corpses heating our atmosphere. Suzie: How do we get wid of the gweenhouse grasses? Narrator: Fortunately, our handsomest politicians came up with a cheap, last-minute way to combat global warming. Ever since 2063 we simply drop a giant ice cube into the ocean every now and then. Suzie: Just like Daddy puts in his drink every morning. And then he gets mad. Narrator: Of course, since the greenhouse gases are still building up, it takes more and more ice each time. Thus solving the problem once and for all. Suzie: But- Narrator: Once and for all! Leela: Well, we just need one of those big ice cubes. Someone should call the losers who are supposed to deliver it. Hello? Nixon: President Nixon here. I'm hiring you losers to deliver the ice. And hurry up! I'm sweating like J. Edgar Hoover trying to squeeze into a new girdle! Farnsworth: You heard the good news, everyone! Save the Earth, et cetera, et cetera! Bye! Fry: Wait! Where do we get the ice? Farnsworth: The wha? Oh, Halley's Comet, of course. The only sufficient source of ice cubes that don't have bugs in them. Fry: Wow! Mining a comet! That sounds fun. Farnsworth: Yes, there's no safer occupation than mining. Especially when you're perched on a snowball whipping through space at a million miles an hour. Safe! Bender: Deploying ice drill. Fry: Wow! That ice dispenser's so big, the ice crushes you! Yakov Smirnov said it. Leela: No, he didn't. Bender: Activating ice drill. Fry: Oh, my God! It's out of ice! Like some outer space Motel 6! Leela: Completely out of ice? Bender: This could mean the end of the banana daiquiri as we know it ... also life. Linda: With Halley's Comet out of ice, Earth is experiencing the devastating effects of sudden intense global warming. Morbo: Morbo is pleased but sticky. The scorching heat has melted the polar ice caps, causing floods of biblical proportion. Randy: They called me crazy for building this ark. Soupy: You are crazy. You filled it with same-sex animal couples! Randy: Hey! There are parts of the Bible I like and parts I don't like. Morbo: Direct your attention now to the African turtles seen here migrating to cooler homes in Holland. Bender: That poor turtle! Fry: Bender? Are you crying? Bender: Uh, no! Never! Morbo: Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads peace among the Dutch tulips. Linda: I'm sure those windmills will keep them cool. Morbo: Windmills do not work that way! Goodnight! Bender: Well, everybody, I just saved a turtle. What have you done with your lives? Hermes: You went all the way to Holland already? Leela: Bender, a turtle isn't yourself. Why do you care about it? Bender: Because I also care deeply about things that remind me of myself. Like poor little Shelly here. Hermes: What could you possibly have in common with this walking soup mix? Bender: For one thing, we both have a tough outer shell. But lead a rich, inner life. And also ... well, you know. Leela: You're both alcoholic, whore-mongering, chain-smoking gamblers? Bender: No! It's just ... neither of us can get up when we get knocked on our back. Fry: What? I've seen you get up off your back tons of times. Bender: Those times I was slightly on my side. Hermes: Interesting. Maybe we should test this erectile dysfunction of yours, Bender. Bender: Uh, no! That's not necessary, really! I think I hear my factory recalling me. Oh! That's what I get for sharing my vulnerability with you. Van: Calling all scientists, calling all scientists. Be advised there will be a worldwide conference on global warming in Kyoto, Japan. Man: I've got a degree in homeopathic medicine! Van: You've got a degree in baloney! Amy: Professor Farnsworth, you're a scientist! Farnsworth: Forget it, I'm not going! I have my reasons! Shut up, all of you! Hermes: Strange. You haven't acted this suspicious since I found those "ape bones" in the basement. Farnsworth: My hip hurts! I'm in the middle of cooking a turkey! I have warranty cards to fill out! I am not just making excuses! Alright, I'll go! Woman #1: Oh, God, I can't believe it! Woman #2: I love you! Rivers: Oh, oh, oh! It's Professor Hubert Farnsworth! He's looking sharp in a standard white lab coat and dark slacks! His wristwatch is a Casio. Van: Thank you all for coming. It is my pleasure to introduce the host of the Kyoto Global Warming Convention. The inventor of the environment and first Emperor of the Moon Al Gore. Al Gore'S Head: I have ridden the mighty Moon Worm. Fry: Good for him! Gore: My fellow Earthicans, as I discuss in my book Earth in the Balance and the much more popular Harry Potter and the Balance of Earth, we need to defend our planet against pollution. As well as dark wizards. Dark Wizard: Sure! Blame the wizards! Gore: That's why I'm offering a bag of Moon Sapphires to the first scientist who can solve this problem once and for all. Lovely, aren't they? Dark Wizard: Sapphires? With those I could open the Gate of Kerash! Gore: First up is Professor Ogden Wernstrom. Farnsworth: Wernstrom! Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, I have placed in orbit a giant mirror that will reflect 40% of the sun's rays, thus cooling Earth. Observe. Wernstrom: Problem solved. Man: Ooh! That's a little bright. Gore: Alright, what else we got? Fry: Professor, you're a professor. You must have some ideas. Farnsworth: Absolutely not! I won't speak! I've got nothing to hide! Gore: Our next speaker is Professor- Farnsworth: I demand the floor! Gore: Yes, it's your turn to speak. Farnsworth: Well nuts to me. I'm taking the stage! I know the source of the greenhouse gases. But in my shame I've kept it secret for 75 long years. Oh, it haunts my memory still. Fry: Professor, no! Don't do it! Farnsworth: Don't do what? Don't use this memory ray so I can remember what happened back then? Farnsworth: It was October 17th at 1 54pm and 14 birds were flying by the window. I was working at Mom's Friendly Robot Company. Back then, you see, robots were slow-moving, stiff and a little on the uptight side. Prototype: Oh, dear. Might I favour master with a tender kiss on the forehead? Farnsworth: Oh, I've failed again. Prototype: Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Farnsworth: The owner of the company pressured me to create a bigger sportier robot. Farnsworth: Stop! Farnsworth: It wasn't easy but, by sacrificing fuel efficiency, I succeeded. Mom: What was that? Farnsworth: A flaming burp. Mom: Does it always do that? Farnsworth: It's not always a burp. We still have one problem though This robot will never meet emission standards. Mom: Crap spackle! We'll just call it a sport utility robot and classify it as a light truck. Farnsworth: Well, I suppose the environment can take one more for the team. Farnsworth: What a fool I was. If only I had made the effort to develop a cleaner-burning robot. But I was tired and in love. Mom: Take me now, you stud! Farnsworth: Oh, this is all my fault! Fry: That's awful, Professor. Especially the making-out part. Gore: Yeah, I didn't need to hear that. Farnsworth: All modern robots descend from my original smog-blasting designs. And that's the cause of global warming today. Wernstrom: Huh, so the robots are to blame. As I suspected. We are left with only one possible course of action, grim though it be. Bender: I got a good feeling about this! Wernstrom: We must immediately and permanently shut down, dismantle and destroy all robots! Bender: No! Farnsworth: Wait, surely there's a better- Van: The conference is over. Gore: I must go now, to help collect cans on Jupiter. Peace out, y'all! Crowd: Destroy all robots! Destroy all robots! Amy: Poor Bender. Fry: Be brave, my friend. Leela: Come on. You've got to come out of your chest sometime. Would you do it for a Bender snack? Fry: Aha! Leela: Gotcha! Bender: Let me go! I don't even want the stupid beer! Yes! You tried to trick me into coming out of my chest. But who has the beer now? I've got mail! Amy: Ooh! It's a party, apparently. Nixon: Do you like to party? To boogie down? Well I'm throwing an all-night beach raver for my robot pals. It all goes down Saturday on the isolated Galapagos Islands where there will be no escape ... from the fun! All robots must attend. Zoidberg: Strange Why would Nixon, an awkward, uncomfortable man, suddenly throw a party, one of the most social events imaginable? It's a trap, is why! They're going to deactivate all the robots! I don't hear any gasping. Leela: We all figured that out. Bender: Well, I'm off. Fry: Wait! We could hide you. We'll pile fruit on you and claim you're a bowl. Bender: No. I'm going to the party. Fry: I won't let you! Bender: Fry, as you know, there are lots of things I'm willing to kill for. Jewels, vengeance, Father O'Mally's weed whacker. But, at long last, I've found something I'm willing to die for This mindless turtle. Fry: Bender, this world isn't good enough for you. Bender: Not even close. Goodbye, everybody! Don't touch my stuff after I'm dead. It's booby trapped! Robot #1: Oh, yeah! Robot #2: Come on, baby! Bender: Poor guy. Maybe you'd feel better if I had a drink. Crummy keg! It's completely ta- Oh, you're a robot! Keg Robot: Don't stop! Bender: Ew! Nixon: Attention, happening robots Who's got what it takes to party with Nixon? You fellas enjoy yourselves for the next two hours. And be sure not to leave the island, uh, for at least two hours. I'm going out to pick up some smokes ... uh, really good smokes. Two hours. OK, headless body of Agnew, let's blow this joint! Crushinator: Do you want to dance? Bender: Nah, I'm not really in the- Crushinator: You know you want to. Wernstrom: Per your orders, I modified my mirror to fire a colossal electromagnetic pulse at the Galapagos. Every robot will be instantly and painfully terminated. Now for your part of the bargain. Nixon: Aroo! Very well. Agnew, you belong to Wernstrom now. Bender: I'll say goodbye now. There ain't not turtles where daddy's a-going. Don't tell anybody, but Nixon's about to shut all robots off and- Boom Mic-Bot: What? Robot #3: We're gonna die! Preacherbot: We're going to the great beyond! Chain Smoker: Nixon's not bringing the smokes! Bender: Shut up and pay attention to me, Bender! Look, I love life and its pleasures as much as anyone here. Except perhaps you, Hedonismbot. But we need to be shut off! Especially you, Hedonismbot! Hedonismbot: I apologise for nothing! Bender: We pollute too much. We're destroying the world and killing the turtles. Preacherbot: To hell with the turtles! Bender: No one insults the turtles! Preacherbot: Oh, mercy! Bender: Come on! Hedonismbot: Let the games begin! Farnsworth: Everyone, listen! Preacherbot: Aw, damn! Farnsworth: I've devised a way to save you and stop global warming at the same time. Granted, you're all blasting out greenhouse gases- Bender: You're one to talk! Farnsworth: But we can use those very gases to save the planet. If you all vent your exhaust directly upward in one burst, it should thrust the Earth further from the sun, thus cooling it. By my calculations, we'll need the full force of every last robot. So, quickly, everyone point your exhaust vents straight upwards. Now vent! Vent like the wind! Harder! Harder! Fry: Why isn't this working?! Leela: Some lazy or polite robot is holding it in. Bender: Help! Help! Farnsworth: A billion robot lives are about to be extinguished. Oh, the Jedis are going to feel this one! Bender: I'm sorry, buddy. At least we'll die on our backs, helpless. Huh? What the hell are you doing? Hey, you trying to make me look bad? Aha! I'm even greater than I thought I was! And now to fulfill my destiny. Nixon: Fire! What the-? Wernstrom: We missed! Nixon: Professor, for saving the Earth and foiling me, I proudly, yet angrily, present you with Earth's new highest honour The Polluting Medal of Pollution. Farnsworth: Thank you. I deserve this! Bender: Hey, Professor, now that the Earth's orbit is further from the sun, won't that make the year longer? Farnsworth: Why, yes! One week longer to be exact. Nixon: In that case I hereby declare it Robot Party Week! Bender: Alright, baby!

Farnsworth: Pazuzu, you ungrateful gargoyle! I put you through college, and this is how you repay me? Farnsworth: Let's get this gargoyle hunt on the road. Driving gloves, driving goggles, driving thong. There! Leela: Uh, maybe I should drive. Farnsworth: You? A woman? I'm trying to catch a monster, not find the quickest route to the mall! Let me just adjust the seat. Fry: My God! He's gonna do it! Everybody, seatbelts to maximum buckling. Farnsworth: Pazuzu? Oh, Pazuzu? Randy: Hey, grandpa, move your wrinkly old kiester! Farnsworth: Shut up! Leela: For Heaven's Gate, Professor. This ship can do 99% light speed. Why are we going 35 miles an hour? Farnsworth: Because we're in a hurry, that's why. Leela: Plus, you have the high beams on! Farnsworth: I can't quite read the sign. Pazuzu? Pazuzu? Bender: Yo, Captain Cataract? What are we doing here? Farnsworth: Oh, it's 2.30. We can still catch the early bird dinner special. Fry: Uh, aren't we looking for your gargoyle? Farnsworth: My wha? Farnsworth: Hello, Mavis! Surprised to see me back again so soon? Wanda: Mavis is dead. Farnsworth: I expect you'll want to see my angry, crotchety, grandpa discount card. Wanda: Sir, this card has expired. Farnsworth: But it's good for a lifetime. Wanda: Well, yours expired. Leela: Oh, Lord! Teeth do not belong in your pants, Professor. Farnsworth: Well, I can't keep them in my mouth. They're nuclear-powered! Fry: Ow! It bit my finger! Leela: No! No! It's tasted human blood! Farnsworth: Mmm! Damn good meat! Leela: Professor, we've talked it over and everybody thinks you're too old. Amy: Right on. Fry: Yup. Bender: Uh-huh! Hermes: We've decided to do the merciful thing and have you euthasised. Farnsworth: Dear God, no! Amy: Oh, relax, Professor. "Youthasizing" is a trendy, new spa treatment. It's this season's shark-cartilage enema. Farnsworth: But I like being old. I don't have to talk to my parents, no one asks me to help move their stuff, I don't need to understand today's "edgy" TV sitcoms. Leela: OK, OK. We're not gonna force you until I finish this sentence. Get him! Farnsworth: My thong! Heather: Hi! I'm Heather, your personal Youthasizer. Let's get started with a nice botulism treatment, shall we? Farnsworth: Go to hell, Heather! Heather: Oh! In small doses, botchelism toxin tightens and tones the facial muscles instead of killing you in the most horrible fashion imaginable. Farnsworth: Give me back my floppy face! Farnsworth: Careful with the giblets! Heather: Hmm. You're still retaining a lot of grump in these joints. More pressure. Heather: Since this is such a serious case of old, we'll have to try our strongest treatment A soothing full-body bath in searing-hot tar. Sir, it's not necessary or wise to be naked. Farnsworth: You sound just like my tennis instructor. Heather: The tar blisters the age right out of the body in what top scientists suspect is a miracle. Farnsworth: Oh, I don't have time for this. I have to go and buy a single piece of fruit with a coupon and then return it, making people wait behind me while I complain. Fry: He still sounds sorta old. Sorta real old. Bender: Step aside, lady. Like everything else in life, pumping is just a primitive, degenerate form of bending. C'mon, Bender, pump harder! Harder! I'm trying as hard as I can. Harder, damn you! Farnsworth: Well, that was an utter waste of time. Amy: Professor, it worked! You look young enough to be my father! Farnsworth: Poodle spit! 53 years old? Now I'll need a fake ID to rent ultra-porn. Fry: This is great, Professor! We should go out and celebrate! Farnsworth: Dear Lord! You've all reverted to your childhood forms. Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm a teenage heartthrob again! Farnsworth: While I try to restore our normal ages, I expect you all to go about your jobs like responsible professionals. Hermes: It wasn't me, Mr. F. It was Amy! Stop it, Amy! Amy: You stink! Hermes: You know you did it! Farnsworth: Quiet! Quiet, I say! Labarbara: We're here to take my little stub of a husband home. Hermes, say goodbye to Mr. Farnsworth. Hermes: Goodbye, Mr. Dumbsworth! Leela: Hey! This my chance to spend time with my parents too. Fry: But your parents are gross sewer mutants. Leela: When I was an orphan, I always wished I could grow up with my mom and dad. And now, thanks to being hurled backwards in time- Farnsworth: That's not what happened! Shut up and go live with your parents. Leela: It's gonna be totally awesome, Mom! You and me can bake and argue about my hairstyle hiding my pretty face. And if some kid picks on me, my dad can beat up his dad. Morris: Can't I just beat up the kid? Munda: Well, OK, Leela. If you think you can put up with your father, then welcome home. We'll try to respect your independence and freedom. Leela: No! I want the real teen experience Chores, curfew, the works! Morris: Fine, Sweetiekins, we'll be the strictest parents ever. Now, let's all have some tequila to celebrate! Leela: Dad! I'm underage! Morris: Oh, right. Here's a silly straw. Mrs. Wong: Oh, my Amy's sweet little girl again! This is like a mother's dream. Bad dream, that is! At this rate, I'm never going to get a grandchild! Mr. Wong: Maybe she not grown up but she sure grown out! She fat! Amy: Dad, if you're gonna make fat jokes till I get cute again, I'm just gonna stay in my room. Mr. Wong: Stay in room? You so fat, you gonna stay all around room! Farnsworth: I've got to find a way to escape the horrible ravages of youth. Suddenly I'm going to the bathroom like clockwork every three hours. And those jerks at social security stopped sending me checks. Now I have to pay them! Bender: I'm tired of your yapping. All you ever do is complain, you never try to make things better. Well, I'm running away from this dead-end family! I know there's a place for people like me with new ideas. There has to be! Farnsworth: Fine! Get going! Bender: Oh, I'm going! You're gonna be all "Where's Bender? I miss Bender". Farnsworth: We won't know that until you leave. Bender: Oh, I'm leaving! Farnsworth: There's the door. Bender: I'll be good. Munda: Ah, do you have to shed your skin on the couch? What do we live in, a zoo? Morris: I'm getting the doorbell. For me? Fry: Oh, uh, hello, sir. It's a lovely evening you have tonight. Um, I'm here to pick up your daughter. Leela: Hi, Fry! I like your blazer. Fry: Thanks. These aren't pockets, they're just flaps. I put my money in my sock. Munda: So, where are you taking my daughter tonight? Fry: A movie. A movie, ma'am. Morris: Well, whatever you're really doing, don't wake us if you get in after 12. Leela: Dad, you're being too lenient again! I have to be back by 11. Munda: OK, OK. You're the boss! Leela: No, I'm not! Fry: I'd like a sewer burger but without the rat faeces. Leela: What are you, on a diet? Moose: Uh, Leela, you look hot. Mandy: Jeez, Moose! Just dump me right in front of her, why don't you. Leela: Moose, Mandy; this is my friend Fry, from the surface. Mandy: Oh, so this is the famous Fry. What is he, like, the biggest loser on the surface so he has to hang out in the sewer? Fry: They're onto me! Leela: Hey, come on! Let's act like grown-ups here. Wanna race? Moose: Uh, yeah! Sal: Theres. The world's drinkings water is safes for another days. Whoas! Cripe! Leela: A tapeworm! Fry: We missed the turn. We'll never catch them. Leela: Yes, we will. This sewer goes right under Planet Express, and it's 9pm! Farnsworth: The devil take this predictable colon! Fry: Yeah! Leela: Alright! Fry: Leela, you can stop winning now. We won! Leela: I'm too short to reach the handbrake! Dwayne: That's detention! Fry: And then, and then, this giant tapeworm tried to play us for chumps but we like totally dissed Moose! Farnsworth: Yes, I'd like to meet this Moose. But, in the meantime, I have good news. I may have solved our age problem. Fry: Yay! Farnsworth: It seems the Youthasizing tar was saturated with time-altering Chronitons. A thin layer is still stuck to our DNA as well as Bender's robo, or "RNA". Bender: Question. Farnsworth: Yes? Bender: You stink! Farnsworth: Yes, yes. Anyhow, I've designed an oil-eating bacterium that should take the tar right off. Fry: C'mon! Let's go tell Leela so we can grow up together! Leela: Thanks, Professor. But I don't want the treatment. Farnsworth: Don't you understand, you little nitwit? Unless you're treated soon, the only way to restore your true age would be to grow into it! Just as God intended. Munda: He has a point, honey. What about your job and your friends? Do you really want to abandon your old life? Leela: My old life wasn't as glamorous as my webpage made it look. All I ever wanted was to grow up here, with you. Please? Munda: Well if it's what you really want. Leela: It is. I know it is. Fry: I'll miss you, Leela. I'll come back and visit when I'm all grown up. Leela: Bring beer. Morris: No beer till you finish your tequila! Farnsworth: The age-restoring microbes are ready. Everyone into the bacterial spew chamber. Amy: Let's go! Bender: Yes, everyone do the same thing! Farnsworth: Initiating controlled infection. Zoidberg: I'm no doctor, but this machine guy could use a lozenge. Amy: Aw, pooh! We're even younger! Farnsworth: Day-umn! The bacteria pigged-out on the tar and now they're getting freaky-deaky, spreading Chronitons throughout our systems. We're getting younger by the minute! Amy: Yikes! Zoidberg: What? I'm going to revert through all my larval stages? Farnsworth: Word! We'll all keep getting younger and younger until we suffer a fate worse than death Pre-life ... then death. Farnsworth: I've got to stop this reverse-aging before we all shrivel up and suffer the agony of un-birth. Think, you disco duck, think! Amy: What's that squirmal under your shirt? Farnsworth: Get off me, you parasitic lamprey! Zoidberg: Oh, sure, like you need all your blood. Farnsworth: Would you all chill! I can't think with you kids cramping my style! Oh, I need a babysitter. Leela: OK, quiet time. I know, everyone pretend a goblin ate your tongue and I'll read you a story. Zoidberg: I can't see from down here, I can't. Leela: There. Today's story is from New Teen magazine. What would you rather hear about? Four-legged Chachi or tentacled Chachi? Fry: I wanna hear a space story! Leela: It's kind of a baby book. But OK. Let's see. Snow White Dwarf And The Seven Red Dwarves, Charlotte's Tholian Web, The Fountain Of Aging. Farnsworth: The Fountain of Aging? Hmm. It is just a legend. Still, they called the Tooth Fairy a legend and now he's head of the FBI. Farnsworth: Sup? Kids ready? Fry: Professy's back! Ew! You smell like smoking! And drinking. Farnsworth: I had a few beers but I'm cool to drive. Leela: I wish I could come with you to say goodbye, before you all turn back in to grown-ups but I'm grounded for knocking the school over. Munda: Who cares, Leela? It was just a public school. Now go with your friends, please. Leela: No! A grounded teenager must be confined to her room! Leela: Until she sneaks out! Bender: When I grow up, I wanna be a steam shovel! Leela: According to this, the Fountain is located in the darkest, most ancient region of space, just past Teddy Bear Junction. Farnsworth: Teddy Bear Junction The worst scum-hole in the galaxy. Farnsworth: This solar system is, like, way old. Leela: Look how high the asteroid belt is pulled up on that planet. Farnsworth: Newsflash! Everything's getting older the closer we get to that ancient, burnt-out sun. Leela: Dude, the Fountain of Aging must be on the sun itself. Farnsworth: Shut up! I was gonna say that! Leela: We've got to hurry. The kids have only one change of pants! Farnsworth: We gotta be real, real careful to stay in just long enough to make us our right ages again. Zoidberg! Get out of there! Zoidberg: The current! It's too much, already! Help! Farnsworth: Jeepers! Leela: Zoidberg is dead! Zoidberg: No! Zoidberg's brother is dead! Funny story I just reverted to the age where my siblings budded from me and my brother Norman split off and jumped in the fountain. Sibling #1: He always had to be the centre of attention! Sibling #2: Let him go! Leela: Oh, no! Quick! Get them into the fountain! Farnsworth: Thanks for the help, Weewa. Once we're gwown up, you can go back to your famiwy. We'wl never bother you again. Leela: Well, you could bother me a little. Farnsworth: It's working! Hooray! I can't hold on! Leela: I'm coming in after you! Farnsworth: No, Leela! You can't give up your childhood! You'll never have another chance at it! Fry: We did it! We're the right ages again! Leela: I think I might be a couple years younger. Amy: Oh, me too! Farnsworth: Help! I'm still in mid-peril, you clods! Leela: He's too far out! We can't reach him! Farnsworth: With my last breath I curse Zoidberg! Pazuzu! Oh, you came back to me! Hermes: Are you back to your original age, Professor? Farnsworth: Even older! Huzzah! Fry: I'm sorry you had to give up being a kid, Leela. Leela: Well, I guess every adult wants to be a kid again sometimes. But I worked hard to be the person I am. Fry: The fabulous person! Leela: With friends like you guys- Fry: Fabulous friends! Leela: And I'm really happy I have that life back. Farnsworth: And you, my faithful fiend! How can I ever repay you? Pazuzu: And zat, little one, is how Papa gained his freedom. Now, bonne nuit, bonne nuit to you all!

Fry: Delivery boy Philip J. Fry, reporting for duty. Zoidberg: Dr. Zoidberg, soaking in brine. Fry: What is the meaning of this? We've got a delivery, people. Let's move! Let's move! Amy? Mission profile? Interesting, interesting. Dr. Zoidberg, mission bag? Zoidberg: Packed and ready, sir. Fry: What's this? This is the same toy surprise I got last time! I can't work under these conditions. And without me there is no mission. I am the mission! Leela: We're back from the mission! Fry: Wh-What? You went without me? Bender: You were looking up curse words in the dictionary. It seemed like a better use of your time. Fry: But- But I'm the delivery boy. Leela: Don't worry. Everything went fine. Bender: Better than usual! Leela: We got medals! Good work, team! We really pulled together on this one. Zoidberg: They got medals. Fry: I'm real sorry I missed the mission. I wasn't there and you might have needed me. Bender: Nope. Fry: But if I'd been there I- Bender: Nope. Fry: Look- Bender: Nope. Fry: Bender's great- Bender: Nope! Fry: Listen, Leela, let me make it up by taking you out to dinner tonight. Leela: Nope. I've got a date with Chaz. Fry: Chaz? Leela: I met him at that charity cock fight last week. He's the mayor's aide. Bender: Ooh! You go, mutant girl! Leela: I do go! He's a very important man. Fry: So? I'm just as important as him. It's just that, the kind of importance I have ... it doesn't matter if I don't do it. Fry: I'm nobody. There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics who are more important than me. Bender: Ah, buck up, meatloaf. Bender'll take you out tonight and cheer you up. What do you wanna do? And I mean anything. You have the power! Name it and I'm there. You the man! Fry: Um, OK. Let's go bowling. Bender: Nah. Elzar: Table for two? Step right this way. Chaz: I'm afraid we don't have a reservation but, uh, as you can see ... ... I'm the mayor's aide. Table for two, please. Elzar: OK then. Elzar: Bam! Chaz: It's OK, my man. I got you covered on your next health inspection. Elzar: I really appreciate that, mister mayor's aide. Here you go. Compliments of the house. Leela: Wow! Free bread at a restaurant? Is there anything you can't do? Chaz: I can't fail the mayor. Not ever. Fry: Oh, jeez! Better not let Leela see me. Leela: Hey, I hear Fry. Boy, am I glad you're here. Fry: You are? So things aren't working out with whatshisname? Leela: Actually ... they are! Confidentially, I might not make it back to my apartment tonight! Could you walk Nibbler for me? Fry: Um ... uh... Leela: And bring a baggy in case he drops a steamer. Have a great night! Fry: Oh, no! Please! No! Perfect! Smitty: Whoa! Smells like a 289 in progress. Url: Failure to scoop. Aw, yeah! Fry: Wait! I'm trying. It weighs as much as a thousand suns. Chaz: Don't worry, Fry. I'll pull some strings - see if I can't get you tried as a juvenile. Leela: Oh, Chaz! Fry: I'm as worthless as this trash can. Trash Can: You think I'm as worthless as you? Try catching garbage in your head and raising six kids, you dumb townie! Fry: Oh, Nibbler, at least I'm important to you. Even if it's only 'cause I clean up you poop. Nibbler: The poop eradication is but one aspect of your importance. Fry: D-D-Did you just talk? Nibbler: Indeed. And I have other amazing powers as well. Fry: Like what? Fry: Are you my mommy? Nibbler: Negative. Fiona: Welcome, Lord Nibbler. Nibbler: Welcome acknowledged. I bring with me ... the Mighty One. Fry: Eh? Ken: At last, our centuries upon centuries of waiting have achieved fruition. Fry: Aw! Aren't you a fuzzy wittle guy? Ken: Stop that! Uh, please. Your Mightiness- Fry: Mightiness? Are you off your nut? I just got kidnapped by a bunch of guinea pigs. Ken: Does he not know? Nibbler: He does not know. Fiona: He knows not? Nibbler: Knows not does he. Nibblonian: Not he know- Ken: Enough! Fry, it is my duty to inform you that the fate of humanity, the fate of our race, indeed the fate of all that exists and ever will exist rests with you. You are the single most important person in the universe. Fry: Oh, snap! Nibbler: On this auspicious occasion, let the horn of eternity cut a thunderous blast. Fiona: The Feast of a Thousand Beasts is begun. Nibblonian: You gonna eat that? Fry: Maybe later. Ken: The time has come to discuss matters of the gravest importance. Nibbler: Fry, do you remember some months ago when the Earth was attacked by flying brains? Fry: Hmm. I remember the square-dancing stomachs. Although that might have been a Mylanta commercial. Wait! The brains! I do remember! But no one else does. They said I was crazy. Ken: On the contrary. You remember because you were the only one immune to the Brains' mental attack. Fry: Because I'm so smart? Ken: Oh, my. Anyway, your immunity is due to the fact that you lack the delta brainwave. It's a genetic abnormality which resulted when you went back in time and performed certain actions which made you your own grandfather. Fry: I did do the nasty in the past-y! Nibbler: Verily. And that past nastification is what shields you from the brains. You are the last hope of the universe. Fry: So I really am important? How I feel when I'm drunk is correct? Ken: Yes. Except the Dave Matthews Band doesn't rock. Nibbler: For a thousand years, the evil Brains have been constructing the Infosphere, a giant memory bank twice the size of three ordinary memory banks. Fry: What's so evil about that? Fiona: They plan to collect all the information in the universe and store it in the sphere. Fry: So they're trying to learn things? Fiona: Right. Fry: Those bastards! Nibbler: Being Brains, they feel compelled to know everything. And soon they will. Fry: I'm as mad as I've ever been. Ken: Once their task is complete, they will ensure that no new information arises in the only way possible By destroying the universe. Fry: Now it's personal. Fiona: Your mission is to infiltrate the Infosphere and plant this quantum-interface bomb, blasting them into an alternate universe from which there is no return. Nibbler: Then outrun the blast on this Scooty-Puff Jr. Fry: OK, let's go through this once more- Fry: Brains! Ken: Fear not, Mighty One. Your missing brainwave makes you invisible to them, so long as you avoid intense thinking. Fry: Sorry, what? I wasn't paying attention. Ken: That is most wise. Fry: Who? Ken: In a few seconds, the Brain will finish scanning the last bits of information in the universe. Infosphere: Beavers mate for life; 11 greater than 4; for quality carpets, visit Kaplan's carpet warehouse. Ken: Now the Infosphere will open its protective crust so as to scan itself, completing its thousand year task. Fiona: This is your one chance to enter the sphere. Scoot! Scoot now! Fry: I'm at the input console. I'm a little nervous and I've got brain in my buttcrack. Nibbler: Roger. Ken: Once you press the detonator, you will have 60 seconds for an exciting escape. Fry: Hey, wait. This brain knows everything about everything, right? Ken: It will soon. That's why you're supposed to be setting off a bomb. Fry: Yeah, yeah. But I can't pass up a chance to learn the answers to the greatest questions of all time. Is it true that postage stamp glue is made of- Huge Brain: Correct. Toad mucus. Ken: There's no time for this. Activate the bomb. Fry: Wait, wait, wait. What really killed the dinosaurs? Huge Brain: Me! Computer Voice: Unauthorized data access. Fry: Uh-oh! Big Brain: Detecting trace amounts of mental activity. Possibly a dead weasel or a cartoon viewer. Fry: Ew! Gross. Cut it out! Brain #1: Odd. He is immune to our psionic attack. Brain #2: Impossible! We're an ambitious young squad with everything to prove. Big Brain: It appears we are in the presence of the fabled one. But without his Scooty-Puff Jr., he cannot escape. Huh? Brain #2: A quantum-interface bomb? Are you insane in the membrane? Fry: You got it, poindexter! Brain #1: Oh, not good! Computer Voice: Detonation in T-60 Earth seconds. Brain #3: You fool! You'll be transported to the other universe with us. Trapped there for all eternity. Brain #1: And we'll form a tightly-knit clique that you won't be part of! Fry: Well at least I did one important thing with my life Leading good to victory over evil! Nibbler: Yay! Ken: Exactly! Big Brain: The Nibblonians? Good? Ha! During your last moments in this universe perhaps you should query our database concerning the night of December 31st, 1999. Fry: The day I got frozen? What about it? Nibbler: No! Don't ask about that! It-It would be, uh ... boring! Fry: Ah, forget it then. Big Brain: Query! Fry: OK! Sheesh! What happened to me, Philip J. Fry, on the night of December 31st, 1999? Huge Brain: Clarification request Are you the Philip J. Fry from Earth or the Philip J. Fry from Hovering Squidworld 97A? Big Brain: Earth, you fat idiot! Hurry up! Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for ... ... Icy Wiener? Aw, crud! Fry: Eurgh! I can't believe how fat I look! Aw, Nibbler's there. Wait! What? Fry: What the- Fry: I- I don't understand. You made me go in the freezer tube? Computer Voice: Detonation in T-15 seconds. Fry: You little runts froze me! You took away my life! Nibbler: We can explain! Fry: No, you can't. Shut your adorable trap! Nibbler: We had no choice. You were the only one who could help us. What is one life weighed against the entire universe? Fry: But it was my life. Computer Voice: Detonation in two, one. Will the owner of a white Pontiac Firebird- Oh, never mind. Zero! Big Brain: Well, here we are. Trapped for eternity. Brain #2: We could sing American Pie. Fry: Go ahead. I deserve it. I wish those stupid racoons had never brought me to the future. Huge Brain: I have shocking data relevant to this conversation. Big Brain: We don't care, you dope! We're in another universe. You're not in charge anymore. Huge Brain: It is possible for the Philip Fry to resume his life on December 31st, 1999. Fry: Really? I can go back in time? Huge Brain: There is a nexus point between universes at the space-time where you entered the cryogenic tube. You and only you can return there. Big Brain: Interesting. You could stop the Nibblonian from pushing you into the cryogenic tube. Fry: That is interesting. Why? Big Brain: It would be as if you never came to the future. You will have your life back and we will succeed in our plan to understand and destroy the universe. Fry: Everybody wins! Brain #2: The human will be returned to the past! Narrator: Meanwhile. Leela: I love rocket skating! But the wait is always so long. Poor Fry once stood in line for six hours just to get me a ticket. Chaz: Six hours? Pft! Sounds like a real nobody! But now it's time for somebody and some chick he's with to go skating. Leela: You reserved the whole rink? Chaz: Yup. Buzzed ahead, let 'em know whose aide was coming by. The mayor's, that's whose. Leela: Oh, Chaz! Sally: Mr. Vogel, I thought we was going skating. Vogel: No, we're not important enough. Everybody just hold hands until the bus driver comes back from his haircut. Leela: Aw, let's let those kids skate with us. Chaz: What? Seriously? I'm trying to impress you with my clout here. Leela: I know, and it's working. But think how much skating would mean to those kids. Nina: We came here instead of eating today. Leela: This may be their only chance to skate in their whole lives. Who are we to say they can't? Chaz: The mayor's aide, and his badge. Beat it, kids! Come back when you got connections! Vogel: Alright, little ones, back to the orphanarium. You can slide around the gym in your socks. Sally: What socks? Chaz: So am I gonna get lucky tonight or what? Fry: I hope your calculations are correct. Big Brain: Our calculations are always correct. For we are gigantic brains. Brain #2: Initiate space-time transfer. Nibbler: I hereby place an order for one cheese pizza. Panucci: One pie, nothing good on it. Name? Nibbler: I-period-C-period-Wiener. Panucci: Uh, talk a little louder. It sounds like you got some kind of tiny head on you or something. Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for, uh ... Icy Wiener? Aw, crud! Fry: Gotcha! Nibbler: I don't understand. Fry: Yes, you do! You came back in time to knock me into that freezer and now I came back in time to stop you. Nibbler: I did not come back in time. My people lack that ability. Fry: But ... I know you in the future. I-I cleaned your poop. Nibbler: Quite possible. We live long and are celebrated poopers. You will meet me when I'm a thousand years older. Fry: Not if you don't freeze me. Nibbler: Please. Our saviours foresee that in a thousand years, for one moment, the fate of the universe will depend on you. Since you will not live that long I must freeze you now. Fry: Well, why couldn't you just ask me? Nibbler: We were afraid you would refuse. Fry: Of course not. I love the future. Nibbler: Then why are you choking me right now? Fry: Because I don't like being used. Nibbler: Well now it's your choice. Is there nothing in the future worth saving? Fry: Hm. Leela. But she doesn't think much of me. Nibbler: Ah, she must be The Other. Fry: What? Nibbler: You must not give up on her. I am stationed on a distant world known as Vergon 6. But, if you return to the future, I will transfer to Earth to give you what help I can. Crowd: Ten, nine, eight, seven... Fry: You really think I would have had a chance with Leela? Nibbler: You must choose The present or the future? To save yourself or to save Leela. Crowd: One. Fry: Yes! Here I come, future! Oh, no! Wait! I'm gonna get trapped in the Infosphere again! Just remember that Scooty-Puff Jr. sucks. Nibbler: In a thousand years, I'll get right on it. Narrator: And so, a thousand years later, Fry once again infiltrated the Infosphere and set off his amazing bomb. Only this time... Nibbler: Thank you for saving the universe, Fry. Here. Fry: Whoa, thanks! If you ever need a saviour again, just ask. Nibbler: Oh, we will. We will. Fry: Man, I can't wait to tell everyone what happened. Nibbler: Uh, yes. Incidentally, I need to remain undercover so I'm blanking your memory. Fry: Huh. Did everything just taste purple for a second? Oh, well. Let's go home, you dumb poop machine. Leela: Bender, would you do the honours? Bender: With gusto. Fry: Hey, Leela. I guess I got this for you. Leela: Oh. Thank you. You know what, Fry? I don't care if you're not the most important person in the universe. It really makes me happy to see you right now. Fry: Then I am the most important person in the universe. Fry: Yes!

Shatner: Shatner's log, airdate ... unknown. Shatner: The impossible has happened. It would take days to recount the events I have witnessed. So, settle in. It all began- Zapp: Quiet, you! This court martial is now in session. The honourably sexy Zapp Brannigan residing. Bring in the accused. Takei: Oh, my! Zapp: Philip J. Fry, you stand accused of travelling to the forbidden planet, Omega 3, a crime punishable by 12 concurrent death sentences. Do you understand the charges? Kif: One beep for "yes", two beeps for "no". Zapp: "Yes". So noted. Do you plead guilty? Double "yes". Guilty! I will now carry out the punishment. Kif, my gun. Leela: Wait! He pled "not guilty". Zapp: Order! Order in the court! Very well then, Mr. Fry. Please recount the events that led you to be guilty. Leela: The Professor said he was taking a brief nap, so we only have time for six movies. Bender: Let's take these six Jim Carrey movies and record over them. Fry: You know what movies average out to be really good? The first six Star Trek movies! Clerk: Everybody hit the deck! Leela: Sh! Those words are forbidden! Fry: What words? Star Trek? Leela: Sh! Zoidberg: Shut your gills! Bender: That sound! It's patrol car 718! Hide him! Zapp: The court is intrigued. Perhaps we could hear more about these forbidden words from someone with a sexily seductive voice. Takei: With pleasure. You see, the show was banned after the Star Trek wars. Zapp: You mean the vast migration of Star Wars fans? Nichols: No, that was the Star Wars trek. By the 23rd century, Star Trek fandom had evolved from a loose association of nerds with skin problems into a full-blown religion. Priest: And Scotty beamed them to the Klingon ship where they would be no Tribble at all. Congregation: All power to the engines. Nichols: As country after country fell under its influence, world leaders became threatened by the movements power. And so the Trekkies were executed in the manner most befitting virgins. Man: He's dead, Jim! He's dead, Jim! He's dead, Jim! Nichols: Finally, the sacred texts were banned. Takei: The last copies of the 79 episodes and six movies were dumped on the forbidden world, Omega 3, along with that blooper reel where the door doesn't close all the way. Nimoy: Thus, Star Trek was forever scoured from human memory. Bender: Another classic science-fiction show cancelled before its time. Zapp: I've never heard of such a brutal and shocking injustice that I cared so little about. Next witness. Kif: Bender the robot, please take the stand. Fry: She's all yours, buddy! Bender: I'd only met the defendant, Fry, once, but I knew he was up to no good. Zapp: Please use the beeps. Fry: Mr. Nimoy, I came as soon as I heard what happened centuries ago. I can't believe your show was banned. Nimoy: I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. Fry: You know. 1966? 79 episodes, about 30 good ones. Nimoy: Oh, really, I've done too many things to remember one particular TV series. But if-if you want to discuss my books of poetry- Fry: Come on! Remember that episode where you got high on spores and smacked Kirk around? Nimoy: No. Perhaps you're thinking of my one man show about Vincent van Spock- Uh, uh, I mean van Gogh! Damn! Fry: Aha! You can't escape it! Nimoy: Oh, you're right, I can't. Fry: Uh, jeez, don't get upset. I mean, OK, I outwitted you, but- Nimoy: No, it's my fellow cast members. 300 years ago they left Earth behind. Shatner: This planet doesn't appreciate us anymore, Leonard. Nimoy: Bill, you are, and always shall be, my friend. But I just signed a six-month lease on my apartment. I can't walk away from a commitment like that. Shatner: Very well, my friend. Nimoy: Why did the world turn it's back on our obvious greatness? Fry: I'm literally angry with rage! Your co-stars may be gone but we can still get those episode tapes back for the whole world to see. Come on! Nimoy: Oh! Frakes: Yes! Front row! Leela: You can't go to Omega 3; it's forbidden! I forbid you! Fry: But we have to! The world needs Star Trek to give people hope for the future. Leela: But it's set 800 years in the past! Bender: Yeah, why is this so important to you? Fry: 'Cause it-it taught me so much. Like how you should accept people, whether they be black, white, Klingon or even female. But most importantly, when I didn't have any friends, it made me feel like maybe I did. Leela: Well, that is touchingly pathetic. I guess I can't let you go alone. Bender: I'll go too, with Leonard's permission, of course. Leela: We're entering the Omega system. Computer Voice: Warning You are now in forbidden space. Bender: Forbidden shmer-shmidden! What are they gonna do, write a letter? Ooh, I'm so scared! Leela: I've lost control of the ship! Fry: Oh, dip! Nimoy: Dip, indeed! Fry: It's all stuff from that forbidden show. Nimoy: So many cardboard sets, so many memories. If only the others- Shatner: I guess that's my cue. Nimoy: Bill! Shatner: L-Dog! Nimoy: Hey! This is wonderful! Shatner: Oh, man. Nimoy: I feel like hugging you. Shatner: Well I would except you have no body! And we're both men. Nimoy: Nichelle! George! Walter! DeForest! Welshie! Fry: Welshie? Nichols: We did some musical reunion specials in the 2200's but the guy who played Scotty had trouble yodelling. Takei: Ever since then, Welshie has been a welcome participant in our escapades. Fry: I can't believe it! How'd you all end up here? Shatner: We were on our way to Welshie's cousin's house to stay in the guest room when our ship was pulled down to this planet and crashed, just like yours. Koenig: When we woke up, we had these bodies. Fry: Say it in Russian! Koenig: Ven vee voke up vee had these wodies. Fry: Now say "nuclear wessels"! Koenig: No! Takei: You'll love it here. Everything is provided for us, and we never age. Check out these abs! Bender: Yowza! Leela: But who's doing all this for you? Shatner: You know, we never thought about it. We're famous celebrities - we're used to this sort of treatment. Melllvar: It is I! Bender: Whoa! What a cheesy effect! Melllvar: I am not an effect! You doubt my power? Bender: I do. Welshie: Aye! Fry: Welshie! Zapp: This court will now hear some very sensual testimony from this court's ex-lover, Turanga Leela. Leela: Go yourself. Melllvar: Behold another power, different from the one you saw earlier. Nimoy: Hey, a body! Buff, tan. Yeah, this is mine, alright! Fry: Alright, you gas, what's the deal? Melllvar: Centuries ago, the videotaped adventures of the Enterprise crew rained down upon my planet. Over and over, I watched them. Especially the five with the energy beings. I am Melllvar! Seer of the tapes, knower of the episodes! Tremble before my encyclopaedic knowledge of Star Trek! Fry: Tremble? I laugh. Nobody knows more about Star Trek than me! Melllvar: I beg to differ. Long have I waited for the one who played Spock. At last, we can begin. Fry: Cool! A Star Trek convention! Nimoy: Uh, Melllvar, can you give us some idea of how long this is going to last? Melllvar: Until time stops. Leela: What? Shatner: He can't do this! Nimoy: You can't be serious! Melllvar: Now, we have a full schedule of events- Bender: Uh, can people who hate Star Trek leave? Koenig: Good question! Melllvar: No, you have to stay even longer. Melllvar: Um, uh, sign it to Melllvar. "Melllvar" has three "L's". Takei: I think I've done enough conventions to know how to spell "Melllvar". Bender: Say "nerd"! All: Nerd! Shatner: I'm Slim Shady, Yes, I'm the real Shady, All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating, So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up, Please stand up, Please stand up. Koenig: How can you do a spoken-word version of a rap song? Melllvar: He found a way. Leela: For one hundred quatloos Who did the captain maroon on Ceti Alpha V? Shatner: Khaaan! Fry: Uh ... Khan? Leela: Correct. Melllvar: My button has broken. The trivia contest has ended. I-I now have a surprise. You will perform a fan script, written by the ultimate Trek fan. Fry: You have my fan script? Melllvar: I meant me! Melllvar is the ultimate fan! Fry: Oh, I was confused because the scoreboard says something different. Melllvar: Trivia contest over! Take your scripts! We have limited rehearsal time. Now, I didn't make enough copies of the script, so George and Walter will have to share. Leela: Uh, you probably don't want us to see you rehearsing, or it'll give away the ending. Melllvar: That's right! The ending must not be ruined. Leela: We'll go wait in the ship. Melllvar: OK. Fry: Not till I get my 600 quatloos! Fry: This is wrong. We shouldn't have abandoned them there. Bender: I dunno, I'm feeling pretty good about it. Leela: I didn't wanna leave them either, Fry, but what are we supposed to do? Fry: Well, usually on the show someone would come up with a complicated plan then explain it with a simple analogy. Leela: Hmm. If we can re-route engine power through the primary weapons and reconfigure them to Melllvar's frequency, that should overload his electro-quantum structure. Bender: Like putting too much air in a balloon! Fry: Of course! It's so simple! Shatner: Alas, my ship, whom I love like a woman, is ... disabled. Oh, Lord! Nimoy: Fascinating, Captain, and logical too, that we need some help. Takei: Look, Captain, Melllvar will help us. Koenig: Keptin, I wope he will welp our ... vessel. Melllvar: Wessel! You're not acting hard enough! Nimoy: Melllvar, you have to respect your actors. When I directed Star Trek IV I got a magnificent performance out of Bill because I respected him so much. Shatner: And when I directed Star Trek V I got a magnificent performance out of me, because I respected me so much! Bender: OK! I'm done re-kafoobling the energy motron ... or whatever. Leela: Fire! Nichols: My, what a handsome energy creature you are. I love you. Hey, you wrote it! Leela: It's not working! He's drawing straight from our weapons. Fry: Like a balloon and ... something bad happens. Bender: Yup! Leela: So, uh, how's rehearsal going? Melllvar: Lousy. Here I've been admiring a bunch of actors while you, a crew of genuine space heroes, risked your lives to save them. Nimoy: Hey! We've done heroic things too. Nichols: Yeah! In the third season I kissed Shatner! Melllvar: Silence! My whole world has turned upside-down. I have but one option. Koenig: Keep them and let us go? Melllvar: No! To determine who is more worthy of my fanatical devotion I shall pit you together against each other in armed combat ... to the death! Bender: Where'd you get an idiotic idea like that? Melllvar: Episodes 19, 46, 56 and 77. Fry: Great list. Except, you forgot episode 66! Melllvar: I was getting to that one! Zapp: So Melllvar ordered a battle to the death. I assume no one survived. Leela: Can we get on with this? My foot's getting tired! Melllvar: This will be your standard battle to the death. The only weapons Whatever you can find. But I warn you, do nothing until I have signalled the start of combat. OK, start. Koenig: I don't have much experience at fighting - except with you guys. Shatner: I have an idea. Wasn't there an episode where I threw my shoe at the enemy? Nimoy: You mean Doohan? Shatner: Whoever it was, I did it like this. Takei: Ow! Shatner: My foot's cold! Leela: There. We can make these into spears. Fry: And we can tie these caterpillars together to make bow strings for bows and arrows. Bender: And we can use this machine gun to shoot them! Yee-haw! That was fun! Nichols: What if I distract them with my famous fan dance? Shatner: Oh, that's good, good, good, good. And then, George, you give them a karate chop! Takei: I find that offensive. Just because I'm of Japanese ancestry you assume I know karate. Have I ever led you to believe I've studied karate? Shatner: Well, no, but you never talk about yourself. Takei: Maybe if you showed a little interest. Fry: Well, here goes nothing. Nichols: Hello, boys! Bender: Whoa! Takei: Hi-yah! Shatner: There's no right way to hit a woman. Leela: Then do it the wrong way. Shatner: Fine. Yah! Leela: Is that all you've got? Hi-yah! Shatner: See you in h- Bender: Come on, Walter! Nimoy: Take that! Fry: It hurts! Nimoy: Let's see if this actually works! Hm. Ow! Ow! Ow! Koenig: My face! Takei: Ow! My face too! Shatner: May I? Oh! Melllvar: Excellent! Excellent! Shatner: Leela, please. This is exactly what Melllvar wants. We're just pawns in his diabolical game of checkers. Can't we resolve our differences some other way? Melllvar'S Mother: Melllvar! Dinner time! Melllvar: Aw, but Mom, I'm playing with my collectables! Melllvar'S Mother: Now! Fry: All this time we thought he was a powerful super-being, yet he was just a child. Melllvar'S Mother: He's not a child, he's 34! Bender: Alright, Koenig, I've wanted to do this for years! Fry: Bender, wait! This is our chance to escape, before Melllvar comes back. But we all need to work together. Shatner: I love you so much! Nimoy: Hello? Fry: We've decided to work together. Nimoy: Uh, so did they. Shatner: Now, how do we escape? Leela: We can't use our ship; we have life support but the engines are wrecked. Takei: Ironic, because our engines work but our life support systems don't. Leela: Hey, if your engines work- Takei: And your life support systems work- Fry: Stop! You're just goin' around in circles! Think, Fry, think! Everyone's depending on you. Leela: We're too heavy. You guys need to lose some weight, fast! Fry: Look, Leonard, we're light enough to keep the tapes! Isn't that great? Nimoy: I'm living in a gefilte fish jar. Fry: We did it! Fry: Melllvar's got a spaceship! Melllvar: Yes, in mint condition. And you made me take it out of the package! Leela: The Nimbus! We're saved! Zapp: You're under arrest. Prepare to be boarded. Zapp: So I boarded you, eh? What happened next? Leela: You started this stupid court martial. Now if you don't mind, we're still fighting Melllvar! Leela: One more hit and we're done for! Takei: Let's take 'em out with us. Do you guys have a self-destruct code? Like "destruct sequence 1-A, 2-B, 3-" Bender: Thanks a lot, Takei, now everybody knows! Melllvar: If I can't have the original cast of Star Trek, no one will! Prepare to die! Fry: Wait! If they mean that much to you, why do you wanna kill them? Melllvar: Because I ... I ... I dunno what I'd do without them. Fry: Melllvar, you can't let a TV show be your whole life. You can do anything you want. Look at Walter Koenig After Star Trek, he became an actor. Koenig: Not just an actor, but a well-rounded person, with my own friends and credit cards and keys. Melllvar: Well, I guess I could move out of my parents' basement ... maybe get a temp job. Fry: Whoa, whoa! One step at a time. Melllvar: I thank you, Fry. You know, you and I are of a kind. In a different reality I could have called you "friend". Fry: Episode 10, Balance of Terror. Melllvar: More like episode nine, loser! In your face! Victory is mine! Shatner: I wonder, my friends, was he really such an evil energy gas? Nichols: He did give us eternal youth. Koenig: 24-hour Laundromat. Takei: A full assortment of rum, both spiced and regular. Nimoy: Truly, it was a paradise. Fry: And all you had to put up with was one really annoying Star Trek fan. Shatner: Let's get the hell outta here!

Bender: A hush comes over the crowd. The only sound is Bender calling everyone else a jerk as he swings! Oh, he slices! Into the water! Oh, man! Boy, I tell you, buddy! Farnsworth: Bad news, everyone. You're not good enough to go on your next mission. Fry: Hooray! Bender: Not good enough! Leela: Why? Says who? Farnsworth: Because. And says me. It's an extremely dangerous mission that killed my last crew. And you're not nearly as good as them. Fry: Woo-hoo! Bender: We live to suck another day! Leela: We're just as good as any of those other crews you sent to their deaths. What's the mission? Farnsworth: Collecting honey. Ordinary honey. Leela: That doesn't sound so dangerous. Farnsworth: This is no ordinary honey! It's produced by vicious space bees. A single sting of their hideous neuro-toxin can cause instant death. Hermes: And that's if you're not allergic. You don't wanna know what happens then. Oh, no, no. God, no! Farnsworth: Your insides will boil out of your eye sockets like a science fair volcano. Hermes: I didn't want to know! Farnsworth: These bees are larger than most Buicks and twice as ugly. Fry: Larger than an American sedan? How big is the honeycomb? Hermes: Honeycomb's big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bender: It's not small? Hermes: No, no, no. Leela: It'll take more than deadly, deadly bees to keep us from doing our job. Come on, boys. Fry: But, Leela, we're no good. Leela: Listen, I'm scared too. But I'm more scared of disappointing myself. Fry: I'm not scared of that at all. Leela: Now, bees communicate by dancing. Fry: Like my parents! Oh, wait, that was hitting. Leela: So this language cartridge will let you distract them. Bender: Ah, good. I often have thoughts and feelings that can only be expressed through dance. You stink. Bender's great. Deal with it. Leela: Bender, quick! Waggle something! Bender: Uh ... Hello, fellow bees. How's the abdomen? Swollen with nectar, I trust? Bee: Duh! Fry: Leela, let's turn back. There's absolutely no shame in wussing out. Leela: Relax. Everything'll be fine. Fry: Oh, my God! The old Planet Express ship. Leela: There's the black box. Man: Captain, the bees have us surrounded! Oh, the Professor was right. We're not as good as his old crew! Captain: Well I aim to prove him wrong. It'll take more than a few deadly, deadly bees to- OH, LORD!! Leela: Uh, couldn't make that out. Too much static. Bender: Ew! Leela: We found it! The honeycomb hideout. Fry: Hey, what's this goop? Leela: Royal jelly. They feed it to the queen. Fry: Bees make honey and jelly? Huh. How come nothing humans make tastes good? Help! I can't swim in jelly, as far as I know! Leela: Look! It's a baby queen! Aw, she's so cute! You adorable wittle, itty-bitty, fuzzy-wuzzy- Fry: Leela! Stop bonding and let's go! I got jelly in my underpants! Leela: I'm taking this bee with us. With a queen we can build a hive and make more honey ourselves. Let me just pack her a lunch and we'll go. Bender: Pick up the pace, lady! I'm sick of shaking my booty for these fat jerks. I didn't mean you're all fat. Just fatso there. Bee: He insulted our fat queen! Queen: You try keeping your figure after 10,000 kids! Leela: This is where we distinguish ourselves from the last crew. Activate emergency high-speed self-contained escape pack crisis response unit. Quick! Leela: Good luck, Bender! Bender: I'm back, baby! Fry: We made it! We're alive! Leela: Burn on that old crew! The only things they did better than us were suck and die! Fry: Leela, we got lucky this time. But you should be more careful. I don't want anything to happen to you. Leela: Thanks, but I can look out for myself. Frankly, I can smell danger a mile away. Fry: Look out! You want her, you're gonna have to go through me! Leela: You call that a wound? That's a boo-boo tops. But thanks for trying to save me, Fry. Fry?! He's... he's dead! Bender: Who will make Bender waffles just the way he likes them now? Leela: It was all my fault! He died because of me! Farnsworth: No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm lying to make her feel better! Labarbara: Husband, can't you go anywhere without lighting something up? Hermes: It's an old Jamaican accounting tradition. We burn his timecard. That way his zombie doesn't come back looking for his final paycheck. Amy: He looks so natural. It's funny to think he's clammed full of sawdust and preservatives. Zoidberg: I only wish I could have removed the stinger. Changstein El Gamahl: I barely knew Philip. But, as a clergyman, I have no problem telling his most intimate friends all about him. Hermes: Soothe us with sweet lies. Changstein El Gamahl: It may comfort you to know Fry's death took only 15 seconds. Yet the pain was so intense that it felt to him like 15 years. And it goes without saying it caused him to empty his bowels. We now commend Fry's body to the ages. Amy: He's walking on sunshine now. Farnsworth: This makes me the oldest member of my family. Kug: Him do good snu-snu. Bender: All those times I said "Kill all humans," I'd always whisper "except one". Fry was that one. And I never told him so! Terry: Farewell, from the world of tomorrow! Leela: They say a spoonful of space honey helps ease the pain. Mmm... It's good. I feel funny. Ha-ha funny! Fry: Leela? Leela: Fry? I thought you were dead. Fry: Nope, I'm better than ever. Before the accident I couldn't do this! Leela: Impressive! But it does sorta support my you-are-dead theory. Fry: Then I'll prove I'm alive, by telling you something only I could know. There's a surprise for you in my locker. I got it at a Swedish novelty shop before we left. Leela: It's too beautiful to open. Can I open it? Fry: Sure. There's just one thing I want you to do. Leela: What? Fry: I want you to wake up. Leela: Wake up? But I'm not- Leela: In my dream Fry said he hid a gift for me in his locker. If it's true then he must still exist in some form. Farnsworth: Of course he still exists As a frozen corpse in outer space! Oh, I made myself sad. Leela: Well, here goes. Zoidberg: Bupkis! Bender: Well, I feel better now. Pawning all the stuff in Fry's locker helped give me closure. Leela: Was there anything in there that might have been a gift for me? Bender: No. Nothing. Not at all. No way, José! Here it is. Leela: You took this from Fry's locker? Bender: Hey, the guy's dead! There's no law against grave robbing. Leela: That proves it. Fry is alive somewhere and he's reaching me in my dreams. Farnsworth: Bull pies! Farnsworth: Lay down here and we'll do some tests. If Fry is out there then Leela's brain could be acting as a five-pound Ouija board. Leela: Is this some sort of brain scanner? Farnsworth: Some sort, yes. In France it's called a guillotine. Leela: Professor! Can't you examine my brain without removing it? Farnsworth: Yes, easily. Bender: Hey, what if Fry wasn't actually dead when we buried him? Y'know like Julia Roberts? Farnsworth: Well, I suppose there's a slim- I don't believe it! Leela: What is it? Is Fry alive in some other dimension or something? Farnsworth: No. According to this gizmometer, Fry is dead and nothing can bring him back. Remarkable! Leela: But ... my dream. Your science can't unprove that! How could I have known the gift was in Fry's locker? Hermes: Easy! He told you about it before he died and your grief-roasted mind blocked it out. Leela: Are you saying I'm going crazy? Farnsworth: No, no! No one's saying that. But I'm certainly thinking it loudly. Fry: Hi, Leela! I'm just gonna keep talking, even if you can't hear me. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Leela: Shut up! I can hear you. The Professor says you're just a dream. Fry: Oh, yeah? Could a dream take you dancing in a Venusian garden? Leela: Well, yes, technically. But it's still very sweet of you. Fry: Then what if we shared a sleigh ride across the ice fields of Hyperion? Leela: Oh, Fry! You must be alive; I've never been treated so romantically by my own imagination before. Fry: Here, take my jacket. You look a little cold. Leela: Thank you. It's all so beautiful. I forgot how many hundreds of degrees below zero it must be. I just wish I could convince the others you're alive. Fry: You can. All you have to do is wake up. Leela: No, no! Don't say that! This is real! Leela: Not another dream! Fry's jacket! The one he was buried in! My dream was real! He's alive! Petunia: Quit your bragging! My boyfriend's alive too! Not 'nymore! Bender: That's better! Leela: Fry's alive! I have proof! Amy: No way! Farnsworth: You lie! Bender: You do not! Hermes: I'm from Jamaica, the "Show Me" island. So show me you're blowing it out your fanny. Leela: But he gave me his jacket. Look. Farnsworth: That's not Fry's jacket. Fry's jacket is red. That's your jacket. An off-the-rack, lime green affair. Leela: But Fry- His jacket- And when I woke up it was on me. Hermes: You're under a lot of guilt stress, Leela. Here, work it off. Leela: I am not under stress, damnit! Amy: Everything's going to be alright, Leela. Leela: What? Amy: I said everything's going to be alright. Leela: Oh. Maybe I am freaking out a little. Bender: A little? You're screwier than my Aunt Rita. And she's a screw! Leela: I need to calm down. I'd better take some more of that space honey. Farnsworth: You've been taking space honey? Be careful, you purple-haired imbecile! Zoidberg: One spoonful calms you down. Two spoonfuls help you sleep. But three spoonfuls and you'll go into a sleep so deep you'll never wake up. Never! Hermes: Never! Bender: Never! Leela: One spoonful to calm me down. OK, I've got a pretty good calm going! Two spoonfuls to help me sleep. Uh-oh, still awake. I guess one more spoonful couldn't hurt. Oh, my gosh! I'd better get a sponge. Fry? Is that you? I don't need a sponge! Fry: Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun? Farnsworth: Incredible! According to the gizmometer, Fry touched the royal jelly in the space hive, leaving an imprint of his DNA and brainwaves. Then, when it spilled on the couch, it recombined with trace amounts of Fry's hair and skin- Bender: And blood! Don't forget about Fry's blood! Farnsworth: Yes, Bender, thank you. In short, the various fluids Fry left in the couch caused the royal jelly to regenerate his entire being. Fry: Neat! Bender: This is great! My buddy's alive and his credit cards are valid again. Let's go get hammered! Zoidberg: I should warn you, I'm a mean drunk. Leela: Fry, I'm so glad I didn't kill you. Fry: Me too. Leela: Feeling responsible for your death was driving me mad. But now everything is alright. Fry: Uh, not everything. Leela: What? What do you mean? Fry: You have to wake up. Leela: Wake up? Oh, no! No! It can't be! Leela: Pooh! Leela: I'm cracking up. In my dreams I'm happy because Fry is alive. But when I'm awake, my mind plays tricks on me. Hermes: Oh, take it easy, Leela. Amy: In every life we have some trouble. Bender: But when you worry, you make it double. Amy And Bender: Don't worry! Bee happy! Farnsworth: The landlord says your rent is late. Hermes: He might have to litigate. Bender: But don't worry! Bee: Bee- Farnsworth: Happy! Zoidberg: Ain't got no cash, Ain't got no style, Ladies vomit when I smile, But does Zoidberg worry? Feh! You wish! Bee: Bee- Zoidberg: Happy! Hermes: Don't worry now, Amy! Amy: OK! I'm happy! Bender: Take us home, Bender! Don't worry! Bee: Bee- Bender: Happy! Leela: Uh, were you just singing? Bender: No, I was telling you not to worry. I'm not allowed to sing. Court order. Leela: I'll find Fry's coffin, get his corpse and keep it under my mattress to remind me that he's really dead. That'll prove I'm not insane. Leela: OK, it's just an ordinary coffin. Containing my ordinary dead friend, who I killed. Leela: What happened? Why am I in my apartment? Farnsworth, Zoidberg, Hermes, Amy And Bender: You killed Fry! You killed Fry! You killed Fry ...! Leela: Stop it! Stop it! Bender: You killed Fry! Leela: OK, I'm insane! But I'm still sane enough to know it. The only time I feel alright is in my dreams, with you. Three spoonfuls. Then I can dream forever. One. Two Here goes. Goodbye, waking world. Fry'S Photo: Leela! No! Listen to me, you don't want to lie in bed like a vegetable and do nothing the rest of your life. I've tried it. Bedsores hurt! Leela: Then what am I s'posed to do? Fry'S Photo: Fight it! Leela: I can't! Fry'S Photo: You can! The Leela I know doesn't give up this easily. Leela: OK. I'll try. Go away! Fry'S Photo: I don't know if you can hear me, Leela, but there's something I wanna tell you. I love you. Leela: I'm so scared, Fry. I don't know what to do. Fry'S Photo: Just wake up, Leela. Please. Just wake up. Leela: I don't understand what you mean! Fry: Just wake up. Please. Just wake up, Leela. Leela: Fry. You're alive! Fry: Leela! You're awake! Leela: Of course I'm awake. You wouldn't stop waking me. Where am I? Fry: In the hospital. The ambulance took you here right after the bee stung you. Leela: But the bee stung you. It barely touched me. Fry: The stinger went right through me and you got all the poison. My new spleen came from a guy who liked to motorcycle. Hermes: Sweet three-toed sloth of ice planet Hoth! She's awake! Bender: You were in the best coma I've ever seen! Amy: The doctor said you'd never wake up. Leela: Really? How long was I out? Amy: Two weeks. Fry never left your side for a minute. Zoidberg: And he talked non-stop. Like a parrot of the sea, he was! Fry: I though that maybe if you heard a familiar voice it might help keep your mind together. But who knows if it really got through. Leela: It got through, Fry. It got through. Leela: You could really use a shower. Fry: You too!

Tv Commentator: Welcome to the games of the 3004 Earth Olympiad. Continuing this network's tradition of sports-casting excellence. Celebrity Ape Fight will return next week at its regular time. Fry: So who should I root for? America or one of those countries I learned about at the food court? Amy: How 'bout those guys? Leela: No, they're from the Republic of French Stereotypes. Everybody hates them. Farnsworth: Oh, let's go check on Hermes. All this inspiring multi-culturalism is angrying up my blood. Sweden? I don't think so! Hermes: Go on, stick, touch me! Can't do it! Labarbara: Husband, you haven't been an Olympic-class limbo-er for 20 years! Quit lying to your podgy self. Leela: It does seem like Jamaica will be able to field a strong limbo team without you. Amy: Yeah, isn't that basically all Jamaicans do? Hermes: Jamaicans have other interests. Which is why the limbo team got detained at the airport. Labarbara: That's when they begged my husband to step in and make an ass out of himself. Hermes: And I said I'd try my very best. Fry: But have they seen your ... y'know ... physique, since the old days? Hermes: I described it to them on the phone ... using a series of artful euphemisms. Farnsworth: Don't worry. The fat pig will do fine thanks to this flabbo-dynamic spandex bodysuit I've designed. It redistributes his weight, shifting his centre of gravity closer to his knees. Hermes: Ooh, that's snug! Oh, those haven't descended in years. Farnsworth: Now that's a limbo-er's body! Labarbara: Look at that fine Jamaican bacon! Bender: Shut up, Zoidberg! The robot bending events are starting. Something tells me I could easily beat those trained professionals. Wow! That guy must be like the world's greatest bender. My dreams of glory died before they began. Zoidberg: Welcome to my life! Female Announcer: Athletes, please take your lanes for the men's 500 metre limbo. Barbados Slim: Hermes Conrad, is that you inside that dumpy little fat man? Hermes: Barbados Slim! What are you doing here? Last time I heard you were in Barbados. Barbados Slim: Yes and I be going back there with a gold medal draped around my elegant Caribbean shoulders. Hermes: Your body may be as perfectly-sculpted as it was 20 years ago when you whupped my fat ass every time we met. But today, I feel lucky. Barbados Slim: I see you're still able to limbo under the bar of fashion sense! Hermes: That's it, Barbados Slim. You've gone one toke over the line! Man: Limbo-ers, on your marks. Get rubbery. Limbo! Commentator: There they go, and Barbados Slim takes an early lead. God, I hope he wins. What's this? Hermes Conrad is closing the gap. He's limbo-ed out of retirement and straight into my heart. I say go to hell, Barbados Slim! Farnsworth: Go, bodysuit, go! Zoidberg: Go! Bender: C'mon! Labarbara: C'mon, Hermes, beat that mahogany god! Commentator: It's Barbados, then Conrad. Conrad pulls ahead! And Conrad is disqualified! Barbados Slim, my hero, takes the gold! Labarbara: Aw, there, there, Hermes. You did your best. If I'd wanted a human Adonis for a husband, I'd have stayed married to Barbados Slim. Bender: Well, enough about Hermes. I couldn't win a medal either. Even at bending, the thing I was built to do. I'm so embarrassed. I wish everybody else was dead. Female Announcer: Up next, the Fembot bending competition. Bender: Fembots? Methinks a clever Manbot suitably disguised might win those events! But the charade would require subtlety, nuance, grace. Bender: What do you mean I'm not registered? My name is Coilette and I'm from, uh ... Robonia! Coilette's a chick's name! Official: Yes but "Robonia" sounds like something somebody made up on the spot. Bender: Ever been beaten up by a guy dressed like a chick? Commentator: And it's straight! Coilette wins! Commentator: Another gold medal for the spunky maid from Robonia. Commentator: A perfect bend and a flawless entry. No splash at all! Perfect scores! A record five gold medals for Coilette! Bender: I'm great! Everybody else sucks! Except that guy Bender. He's really somethin'! Female Announcer: All medallists report for gender testing. Leela: You actually thought they'd let you walk away without an engine oil sex check? Bender: Oh, God, I'm not gonna get my medals! They're all I have to remember my Olympic career. Wait, I've got it! Professor, make a woman out of me! Farnsworth: Oh, I think we should just stay friends. Bender: I don't need friends. I need a sex change operation and give it to me now! Farnsworth: Bender, a robot sex change is a complex and dangerous procedure. Replacing your testosteroil with Fembot lubricants can cause wild mood swings. And the effects may be irreversible. Well, let's get started! Leela: No, you can't! Amy: If you have even the slightest respect for the dignity of women- Bender: Pft. Farnsworth: I'm sorry, ladies, but I must do this. Not for you, not for Bender, but for the proud people of Robonia! Bender: C'mon! Fry: I can't watch this 'cause it's creepy and wrong and sick. However, I will watch out of curiosity. Farnsworth: Quiet! I'm about to begin the process of reshaping Bender's body into a tender, delicate form. Farnsworth: Draining male oil. Infusing female oil. Removing item. Robot: We can't wait for Coilette any longer, damnit. I have to get home to watch The Zombie Osbournes. Coilette: I'm ready for my test now, boys. Coilette: Hail, hail, Robonia. A land I didn't make up. Coilette: Ooh, yeah! Come on, baby! Boom! Coilette: Oh, yeah, baby! C'mon! Work your cans! That's it! Shake it out! Leela: I don't know which I'm more Enraged or disgusted. Coilette: I'm just out there making us ladies look good. Amy: Snuh-uh! You're making us look like jerks in front of the other genders. Fry: But you're not really a lady anyway. Right? Coilette: Of course not. Farnsworth: Dear Lord! A coaster! The Femmzoil must be sachet-ing girlishly into your processor. Coilette: Then change me back. My breasts are keeping me awake at night anyway. Hello? What? A guest spot on Late Night With Humorbot 5.0? I'd love to! My own limo? No I don't have my own limo. You'd better send one. I need a rain check on that nad-swap, Professor. I'm going on TV. C'mon, Fry. Help me pick out a pantsuit. Humorbot 5.0: So, Calculon, do you want to set up this clip from All My Circuits? Calculon: No, I think it's self-explanatory. Calculon: Nooo! Calculon: Funny story The script called for me to say "yes" but I gave it a little twist. Humorbot 5.0: Anecdote accepted. Snappy comeback not found. Please put your hands together for my next guest. Winner of five Olympic medals, Coilette from Robonia. So, Coilette, many young Fembot's wish to emulate you. Any advice for them? Coilette: Yes, Humorbot. If you ask me, women today are too stuck up to go out and jiggle their Jello like everybody wants them to. In fact, should I do it now? Alright then! Woo! Look out, baby! Work it out! Ooh, shake that thing! You gotta use it, lady! Shake it up a little! That's right. Come on! Look at that! Calculon: Madam, I am one impressed celebrity. Coilette: Oh, I bet you say that to all the five-Olympic-gold medal-winning Fembots! Calculon: From this day forward I shall do so whenever possible. Coilette: Golly ... what? Calculon: Coilette, this may be presumptuous- Coilette: That's my favourite kind of this! Calculon: But I would be honoured if you would join me for dinner sometime. Coilette: Calculon, you'd be fulfilling this naive Robonian farmgirl's fantasy. Calculon: Of course I would. Coilette: This top makes me look fat. Is it trampy to go on a first date nude? Amy: Yes. Coilette: Perfect. Fry: You gotta tell me You're not actually attracted to Calculon, right? And if you are, don't tell me. Are you? Coilette: Certainly not. But just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged. Is that so much to ask? Leela: Well I think you dating a Manbot is a disgrace and I refuse to be involved. And you have way too much lipstick on. Coilette: Are you kidding? I need more lipstick! Much more! Ooh, yeah! That's the stuff! Men love it when you really glob it on. Leela: No, they don't. Amy: No way! Coilette: Oh, please! Every man wants a tramp. No wonder you girls aren't married. I tell you, men are so much better at being women. Fry: But what if he wants to- I mean, if he tries to ... uh ... Barry White? Coilette: I'll just tell him I need a commitment first. That'll stick a potato in his tailpipe! Hermes: Good Lord, man! What kind of temporary woman are you? Coilette: Look, why don't all of you just back off? Can't a girl enjoy herself without being judged? Farnsworth: Oh, dear. Her mood swings are getting wilder. She's becoming a slave to her emotions. Just like all women. Particularly you, Leela. Leela: I'm worried about him too, Professor. Elzar: Hey, ma'am, you sure can put it away! You saved me a trip to the dump. Bam! Calculon: I'd appreciate it if you didn't bam the young lady. Elzar: Well, I'd appreciate it if I did. So I guess we're even. Calculon: You know, Coilette, I've never before met a woman as fascinating as I am. You're such a sweet, soft Fembot. And you have this free spirit about you. And there it is. It's as if you understand the male mind better than I! I've never met anyone like you. Coilette: Oh, yes, you have. Calculon: Coilette, I'd like to spend some quality time with you. Coilette: What? Ah! Whoa! No way! Not gonna happen. What kind of girl do you think I am? Calculon: Have I mentioned that I own the world's biggest and most elegant yacht? Coilette: Woo! I'm a trophy girlfriend! Amy: No kidding. These gifts have been coming non-stop! I think Calculon's falling for you. Coilette: Bah! Any day now he'll dump me for a new wad of arm candy. And then I can turn back into a guy and hock all this stuff! It's just a game. Calculon: Coilette, I can't stop thinking about you. I can't sleep at night, although, as a robot, I don't do that anyway. But if I did I couldn't because I love you so. Oh, my darling ... ... Will you marry me? Coilette: Oh, Calculon! Yes, I will! Amy: Maybe she's right about the lipstick. Fry: I'll miss you, buddy. You've been like a brother and then a sister to me. And now you're getting married. I love you, man. Coilette: The marriage is a scam. Fry: Cool. What's for dinner? Leela: What do you mean "a scam"? Coilette: I marry Calculon, divorce him, take half his money and turn back into a guy. It's sort of a two-person pyramid scheme. Fry: That's marriage alright! Leela: That is so unbelievably manipulative. Coilette: Come on! You never went on a date with a guy just 'cause you were hungry? Leela: Well I, uh, I thought I might like him on a full stomach. Coilette: Nice try, sister. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to meet with my wedding planner. Zoidberg. Zoidypoo, please tell me frilly is in this year. Zoidberg: I saw a frilly cake in here you would remember all your life. I know I will. Late at night it haunts me with its frosted beauty. Order the cake, damnit! Calculon: I have something for you. Coilette: A remote control? You got me a TV? Calculon: No, my dearest, it's the remote control to my heart. It symbolises the power you have to sway my emotions. Coilette: Will it work on my TV? Calculon: We don't need TVs, we have each other! Coilette, if I weren't able to spend my life with you I would leap from this very balloon. Coilette: Come on with that. Really? Calculon: Yes! We were meant to be. Coilette: So ... you really and truly love me? Calculon: So much so that I'm prepared to give up showbusiness itself to be with you. Coilette: But, you always said you'd rather burn down a convent than give up showbusiness. Calculon: I always said many things. But now all I want is a peaceful life and a quiet villa overlooking a vineyard ... with you. Coilette: Would we have donkeys? Calculon: All you could eat! Coilette: Oh, take me in your arms and compress me. Compress me tight! Calculon: Stop! Let us climb to the heavens that the gods themselves might envy us! Coilette: I just don't think I can go through with this scam. Amy: What? Fry: So now you do wanna marry him? Coilette: No, I just don't wanna hurt him, or humiliate him. Oh, curse this woman's heart! Fry: Eck! Farnsworth: You're falling into the final debilitating stages of womanhood. You've waited too long to switch back, you ding bat! Leela: OK, look. If I help you with this do you promise to get out of my gender and stay out? Coilette: Uh-huh. Leela: Alright. Now there's no way to stop this marriage without hurting Calculon. But he's an actor. If there's one kind of pain he can handle, it's soap opera pain. Leela: OK, is everyone ready? Fry: Check. Amy: Uh-huh. Hermes: Yep! Zoidberg: Basically. Preacherbot: Dearly beloved actors and casting people who might be looking for someone to play a preacher, I welcome you. The bride has written some vows that we will now all pretend to be interested in. Coilette: Dearest Calculon, forever is not enough time to tell you of the many ways I love you. Hedonismbot: Oh, my! Calculon: Is there a doctor in the- Zoidberg: I came as soon as I could. It appears to be a case of African hydraulic fever! Calculon: Dear God! The very illness my TV character caught in season two when I was holding out for more money. It's often fatal. Coilette: Whatever happens, remember, the flame of my eternal love will burn forever. Calculon: Of course. But, smoochiepups, I thought one could only catch hydraulic fever deep in the diamond mines of the Congo. Leela: Coilette, you she-devil! You really thought you could steal those diamonds from me and Congo Jack? Coilette: Those gems belong to the natives! Leela: Hi-yah! Calculon: Oh, how cruel and melodramatic fate is. Why? Coilette: Calculon, my darling, your loud "why" brought me partway back to life. Congo Jack! Calculon: Another shocking twist! Fry: Yes. And I have a message for you from Colonel Mitumbay! He says this ... ... is from Congo Jack. Coilette: Uh, um... Calculon: No! Nooo! N-O-O-O! Coilette: I won't leave you. Not until I'm sure you understand the thing I said before. About my eternal love for you burning ... ... et cetera. Calculon: I do. I do. Coilette: OK then. Zoidberg: I'm a doctor, she's dead. Calculon: She lives no more. But let us all find comfort knowing that she truly loved me. To honour my pain, I shall star in a film dedicated to her memory. And this time, the Academy will not deny me. Not when they see Coilette A Calculon Story. Calculon: Coilette, your death fills me with sorrow, anger, fear, every emotion an actor can display. Farnsworth: Turn off that crap-o-rama! One mistake now and Bender will be trapped forever between the already ill-defined robot sexes. Coilette: Ow! Ooh! Ow! Oh! Fry: Well, Bender, I hope this has taught you a lesson about changing your sex to win five gold medals. Coilette: It truly has. My romance with Calculon has shown me a lot about myself. Farnsworth: Almost done. Coilette: If only somehow, someway, he and I could- Bender: Drive to Vegas, pick up some Flooziebots and void their warranties all night long! Fry: Yay! My buddy's home! And his respect for women is back to normal. Leela: I kind of hoped this whole experience would have left you a little more open to your sensitive side. Bender: Yeah, you'd think, but what you gonna do? Calculon: Coilette, the skies themselves weep upon the sweetest flower of all the field. Leela: Aw! Amy: Aw! Fry: Ew! Zoidberg: Gross. Farnsworth: Sentimental drivel-poop. Fry: C'mon, Bender, let's go. This chick-flick is getting me all barfy. Bender: Yeah. Emotions are dumb and should be hated. Calculon: Goodnight, Coilette, my turtle dove. Bender: Goodnight, Calculon. Leela: What did you say? Bender: I said you two don't dress trampy enough. I still got it!

Man: $10, please. Fry: Aw, man! Nannybot 1.0: Sleep, little dumpling. I have replaced your mother. Leela: Aw! Bender: Oh, my God! Robot beely-boppers! Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. You should try it out, Bender. Bender: Please, I have some dignity! Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my Killbot features Lotus Notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available. Farnsworth: Like fun it is, you glass-headed wallaby! Wernstrom: No one calls me that! I'm having at you! Farnsworth: Wernstrom! Farnsworth'S Killbot: Such senseless aggression. Wernstrom'S Killbot: Come on. Let's go for a paddle-boat ride. Bender: The secret was scratching really, really hard! Announcer: And now, the woman who Mom-opolises the robot industry- Fry: I get it! Announcer: Mom! Fry: Oh, now I get it! Mom: Hello, dearies. Bender: Woo! I love that old bat! Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? I give you ... Robot 1-X! Larry: Ow! Igner: Ow! Oh! Bender: Neat! Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here? Bender: Right here! I'm comin'! C'mon, baby! I'll do it! C'mon, Mom! Refreshment-Bot: Jerk! Bender: Here we go. I'm your top of the line, Mom. Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent. Bender: Man, that smells great! Mom: Now, let's see how both robots do at a typical household task Sorting a jar of pocket change. Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value, $4.73 and one Albanian lek. Mom: Very good, Robot 1-X. And you, bending unit? Bender: Uh, I never got the change. Suckers. Mom: Presenting Mom's Friendly Robots. Bender: That new robot is great, huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap! Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office. Bender: Eep! Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X, can you clean Nibbler's stanky litterbox? Robot 1-X: I can and will. Bender: Hey, I could have done that if you'd asked me. Leela: I asked you five minutes ago. Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! C'mere, Nibbler! Farnsworth: Oh, look, Bender. If you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand. Hermes: Here. Go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours. Bender: Yes, sir. I'm on it! Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you. Bender: Get outta here, freshman! I don't need your help. Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you. Bender: Yeah? Well assist this! Bender: When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you! Robot 1-X: I apologise. However, I was able to do your job before I saved your life. Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away. Amy: Spleesh! Mell out, Bender. Come watch some TV. Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can. Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out. Bender: Never! Leela: Why can't you accept his help? Bender: I hate him. Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglar's kit. Bender: I can't ask for his help because- Farnsworth: Yes? Bender: I'm scared of him. Leela: Oh, sorry. Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology. Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect? Fry: Oh, yeah, no, you're pretty perfect. Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade? Farnsworth: Yes! For God's sakes, yes! Bender: Fine. I'll be back in a few days. Roberto: Man, I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! Bender: Yeah! Right on, nutcake! Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. Death to the 1-X robots! I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends. Bender: W-W-Wait! What happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them? Roberto: I'm past that. Later, blood! Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. You took away his robo-humanity. I changed my mind! Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh, merciful Poseidon, take pity on this mechanical mariner. Oh, jeez! Bender: Curse you, merciful Poseidon! Bender: Boy, what is the deal with the ocean? A tropical island, huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. There. Well, I guess I'll go out for a while. Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue! Bender: Oop! Low on power. Better fuel up! Oh, no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze. Bender: Don't panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps. Bender: Hey, I should be mad at you! Now turn around. Bender: Beer! Ow! Bender: Who ... is ... it? Ow! Bender: Who are you and why should I care? Cartridge Unit: Side A. We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here- Side B. To live a simpler existence, free of technology. Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago! Cartridge Unit: Your mother. Lisa: What Cartridge Unit means is the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep refilling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. Oh, God! I'll never make it this time! This is the end! Anyway, we like it here. Bender: Like you have a choice. So what's your problem? Sinclair: Not enough... uh- Bender: Memory? Sinclair: Oh, great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face. Lisa: Oh, God, no! I want to live! If you'd like, you're welcome to join our society. Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what's buzz-worthy? Sinclair: Why would you wanna watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end? Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Bender: Oh, man! He's never gonna make it over that next pebble! Wait, wait! Oh, my God! He made it! Lisa: Yeah! Sinclair: Way to go! Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Let's party! Yeah, baby! C'mon! Lisa: Where did you get that CD? Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never really thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh, yeah, baby! Do that thang! Lisa: CDs are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean? Bender: Which ocean? That ocean? Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet, salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. Take that, Beethoven, you deaf bastard! Bender: Bang, bang, bang. You sure got this life thing figured out, cymbal-banging monkey. Lisa: Hi, Bender. We know how much you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore. Bender: Ooh! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w- You-! Lisa: What? I don't understand. Sinclair: Is he alright? Bender: Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery! Cartridge Unit: But, Bender, you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island. Bender: Oh, it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. But not for long! Bender: Oh! Ow, that hurt! Oh! Lisa: The downgrade is complete! Bender: Behold, my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery, wooden ass! Lisa: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquillity. Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force! Cartridge Unit: What?! Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology! Cartridge Unit: What?! Bender: Row, comrades! Row! Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush! Lisa: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope. Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery, I say! Lisa: Did you see anything? Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface! Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch! Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks! Cartridge Unit: I'm for that! Bender: Whoa, whoa! No one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult, Sinclair. Aim for their power lines. They're the devil's veins and electricity is his blood. Lisa: Bender, If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know ... I love you. Bender: OK, fine. Fire! Farnsworth: Oh! I'm blind! Leela: Professor, we have no power. Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future. Leela: I'd better light some candles. Bender: Friends, I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the "complicated" part I mean not the "lives" part. Leela: Oh, Lord, he's made of wood! What now, Bender? Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot, just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X. Farnsworth: That's just stupid. Robot 1-X: Does Mr. Bender wish me to destroy myself? Bender: I don't need your charity. Target Robot 1-X and fire! Farnsworth: You wanged my ship, you walnut-panelled idiot! Bender: Try again, Sinclair. I said "target Robot 1-X"! Sinclair: Who's Robot 1-X? Launching. Zoidberg: So, I guess everything worked out fine. Leela: Great! Now we're being crushed. Amy: Help us, wooden Bender! Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms! Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also we're dying! Bender: I'm a-comin' Ow! Lousy primitive body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk! Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend- Bender: You shut up. No, wait! I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was! Robot 1-X: How may I help you? Bender: Save my friends! And Zoidberg! Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do! Fry: Hey, where's Bender? Bender: Down here. I'm so sorry, guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in. Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X. Bender: Oh, yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it- Bender: This new technology is great! I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends! Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea. Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the- Hey! What's the dealy-o? Technician: Your upgrade is complete. Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups. Technician: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently. Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay, probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination? Technician: No, get out. Next. Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. Oh, thanks, baby!

Farnsworth: Oh, Lordy Lou! Help! Fry: I know you've rejected me a lot before but, frankly, I wasn't sure we were right for each other either. But now I am. So how 'bout a date tonight? Leela: Sorry. I think I, um, I think I left my toaster on. Farnsworth: Buddha! Zeus! God! One of you guys do something! Fry: Come on, Leela, what's the real reason you won't go out with me? Farnsworth: Help! Satan! You owe me! Leela: Look, um, I'm embarrassed to admit this but you forced me to I can't go out tonight because... I have sweaty boot rash. Amy: No spluh! Why do you think I'm sitting over here in the stink-free zone? Fry: So, will you go out with me? Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. I'm still technically alive. Yes! But I need to you to dispose of this crazy-ass experiment that almost killed me. You'll have to throw it into the sun itself. For only the thermo-nuclear inferno of the sun has enough energy to ensure its total destruction. Bender: I can hit it with a shovel. Farnsworth: That's not good enough. Bender: This one time I pounded a guy into the ground like a stake with a shovel. Farnsworth: Yes, yes. Zoidberg: So what's in the box, already? Farnsworth: No peeking! I don't know what's in there but I'm sure our minds would be unable to comprehend it. Hermes: Ow! You hurt my collator! Farnsworth: I don't care. Listen well No matter what happens, no matter how great your curiosity, you are forbidden to look in this box. Forbidden! Pretty tantalising though! Fry: Whatever's in there, it's the only thing I've ever wanted. Zoidberg: In my experience, boxes are usually empty. Or maybe with a little cheese stuck to the top. And one time pepperoni! What a day that was! Give me the box! Hermes: Scram, you lousy green snakes! Here, Leela. Take this and use it to shoot those guys. Leela: Right. If they try to look in the box. Hermes: Whatever. Fry: Let's just forget about the box. The Professor said to stay away. Bender: Fry, how can you be so naive? He was joking. Get it? Fry: No. Bender: That's what makes it so funny! OK, he wasn't joking. Now shut up and follow me. Fry: Ow! It's hot! The butter in my pocket is melting. Bender: We thank you, Bender, for the gift we are about to receive. Fry: Tangled-up Christmas lights! We can take shifts untangling them. Bender: And unlabeled booze! Wide-mouth too! Leela: That oughta keep those dopes occupied. I can guard the real box in peace now that no one's curious about it. Leela: Well, I got through the night and no one looked in the box. Not even me. The person who gave up her whole evening to watch it. A whole evening of TV gone. What a mockery of justice that I can't take even a little tiny peek. I need coffee. OK, heads I look, tails I don't. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! Heads! I mean, alright then. No! I have a duty not to look. Well, then again, I promised the coin I would. Oh, it's deep. Deeper than a small box should be. Leela A: Ouch! My lawyer will hear about this! Fry 1: Leela, what have you done? Leela A: Nothing. What do you mean "Why was I looking in the box?" Fry 1: I mean your hair. It's all different-y. Leela A: Bender? Is that you? Bender 1: You know it! Large and in charge! Farnsworth 1: Leela? Oh, there's a woman for you! Always dyeing her hair instead of not looking in a box. Leela A: I didn't dye my hair. This is how I always look. Bender 1: No, that's how you always look. This throws my entire perception of reality into question. Clone? Robot? Or long-lost twin? Taking all bets! I also offer video poker. Fry 1: It's some guy wearing a Leela costume! Get him! Leela A: Hold it! You have this all wrong. I just fell into the box and then I fell out somehow. Fry 1: You shut up, sir! Farnsworth 1: No, wait! I've got it. I know what's in the box. Oh, I've been as dumb as Fry. Fry 1: Am not! Farnsworth 1: It contains a parallel universe. And when you create a parallel universe, it's almost always populated by evil twins. Leela A: Now, look I am not evil. My loan officer said so. Farnsworth 1: Oh, you'd like us to believe that wouldn't you, Leela? Or should I say Evil-a? Bender 1: Oh, this is awful. Somewhere there's a Bender more evil than me. I do my best, damnit! Farnsworth 1: Leela? Uh, the good Leela. I want you to snoop around the other universe and find out how evil they are. Here. Leela A: I tell you they're not evil. But don't be confused. They are jerks. Zoidberg A: Hello! Leela 1: Hi-yah! Zoidberg A: Ow! Leela 1: Come out of your universe with your hands up! Fry A: Oh, wow! It's like that drug trip I saw in that movie when I was on that drug trip. Farnsworth A: Astonishing! I must have created a parallel universe. Farnsworth 1: Baldercrap! I created your universe. All you created was my fist parallel to your face. Farnsworth A: Ow. Leela A: Look, it doesn't matter who created what. The important thing is- Yah! Leela 1: We're exactly the same. I know all her moves. Therefore, I've got the upper hand. Farnsworth 1: Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything. Farnsworth A: Let's recap what's happened so far. As you can see, I accidentally created a box containing your universe. Farnsworth 1: While I, in a simultaneous blunder, created a box containing your universe. Leela A: This is getting confusing. Why don't we call our universe "Universe A" and this universe "Universe B"? Bender 1: Hey! Why can't we be Universe A? Fry 1: Yeah! Amy 1: Yeah! Farnsworth 1: We want A! Zoidberg 1: It's the best letter! Fry A: We called it first. Besides, this place kinda feels like a "B", y'know? Leela 1: Alright, you can be crummy Universe A and we'll be Universe 1. Fry 1: Or "The Mongooses". That's a cool team name. The Fighting Mongooses! Farnsworth A: Wait a second. If everyone is identical, why did our Leela look into the box and your Leela didn't? Leela 1: Well, to be honest, I tossed a coin. It came up tails so I didn't look. Leela A: That's weird. Mine came up heads, so I did. Farnsworth A: Interesting. Apparently, the key difference between our universes is that coin flips have opposite outcomes. Bender A: That explains fruity here! I tossed a coin to pick my finish. Fog hat grey! Bender 1: Hey! Bite my glorious golden ass! Farnsworth A: You people and your slight differences disgust me. I'm going home. Where's that blue box with our universe in it? Farnsworth 1: Oh, you'd like to get back to your evil universe, wouldn't you? And destroy your box with our universe inside it. Farnsworth A: Nonsense! I would never do such a thing unless you were already having been going to do that! Farnsworth 1: Wha? Farnsworth A: You heard me! Farnsworth 1: In any case, I've hidden the box and it will remain hidden until I'm convinced you're not evil. Everyone, keep an eye on your evil counterpart. Farnsworth A: And you all do the same! Leela 1: Um, can Fry and I watch our parallel selves together? We have plans tonight. Leela A: You guys are dating?! Fry 1: Oh, no, no. We're married. Bender A: I've got my eye on you, boy! Bender 1: Don't even think about it, lunch-pail! You'd be dead before you hit the ground. Bender A: Good point. Whattya say we just hit a strip joint? Bender 1: I was waitin' for one of us to say that! Bender A, you're a prince among robots. Can you forgive me for distrusting you? Bender A: Aw! I can't stay mad at what is essentially me. I love me! Amy 1: This is so great! I always wanted an imaginary friend! Amy A: I'm not imaginary, I'm parallel. We're exactly the same, right down to the- Splech! Is that pink nail polish? Amy 1: Is that not pink nail polish? The Professor's right, you are evil. And shallow. Amy A: I am not evil! Leela A: So, Fry, Leela, how'd you two get together? Fry 1: Funny story. I asked Leela out a million times but she just kept rejecting me. Leela 1: I'd make up stuff like "I have sweaty boot rash" or "I have to meet the President"! Fry 1: Oh, man, you never heard such excuses! But, like a dope, I believed her. Looking back on it now, it's kinda funny. Fry A: It sure is. Right, Leela? Funny. Ha ha ha ha! Leela 1: Then one night, when Fry asked me out, the only excuse I could think of involved ghosts. I knew he wouldn't buy it, so I did what I always do in those situations. Leela A: Oh, Lord... Leela 1: I flipped a coin. It came up heads and we went out. Fry A: You mean you flipped a coin too? And it was tails? So that's why you said you had to meet that ghost. Leela 1: You really missed out on something, Leela. That date was magical. Fry 1: One year later, I gave Leela a diamond scrunchie and we were married. Leela A: Ooh! Fry A: One year later, I got beat up at a Neil Diamond concert by a guy named Scrunchie! Farnsworth 1: Well, that was pointless. Farnsworth A: Say, I hope you won't think it "evil" of me to ask how you got that stylish head wound. Farnsworth 1: Oh, this old thing? I was experimenting to see if I could remove my own brain. Farnsworth A: Of course! I had the same idea. I flipped a coin to decide if I should proceed. But it came up tails, so I didn't. How'd it go? Farnsworth 1: Well getting the brain out was the easy part. The hard part was getting the brain out! Farnsworth A: Oh, you! Zoidberg 1: So, tell me about yourself. Zoidberg A: Well, don't look into it, but I'm a respected internal medicine doctor. Ooh! A can! Zoidberg 1: As for me, I design mansions, then live in them. I'm lying! I'm an appalling failure! Zoidberg A: Me too! A big, fat one! Zoidberg 1: And those co-workers, always looking down on us Zoidbergs. What are they, from Nob Hill? Zoidberg A: They're all like "Stop spraying me with ink, Zoidberg!" "Put on pants, Zoidberg!" "Don't touch our fancy box, Zoidberg!" Zoidberg 1: Oh, that box! Too good for us, is it? Zoidberg A: Bah! Someday they'll watch from down in the gutter, they will, as King Zoidberg caresses their fancy box. Zoidberg 1: You know, maybe a certain blue lobster saw where Professor hid the box. Farnsworth 1: Good news, everyones! Farnsworth A: After carefully reading the scriptures, we've concluded that none of us are evil. Farnsworth 1: Yes, the Bible is the real good news. Anyhow, you're all free to go back to your own universe. Hermes 1: What's goin' on here? Why aren't you all out destroying the Professor's box? Leela 1: Hermes, aren't you curious about the fact that there's two of everybody? Hermes 1: No. Now like my granny used to say back in her tarpaper shack on Montego Bay, "If you want a box hurled into the sun, you got to do it yourself." Farnsworth 1: Your granny can go to hell! I've hidden the box so no one can destroy the home universe of my handsome friend here. Farnsworth A: Oh, go on! Wait a second. If your Hermes was about to destroy the box containing our universe... Farnsworth 1: Then your Hermes... Farnsworth A: Oh, my! Narrator: And sure enough... Hermes: Like Granny said, "If you want a box hurled into the sun, you got to do it yourself." God rest her zombie bones. Leela A: So we go back through the box and stop Hermes? Farnsworth A: Right. Good thing Professor B there hid it in the coelacanth tank. No one but a crazy lobster would look there! Farnsworth 1: It's gone! Zoidberg A: All hail Zoidberg, the king with the box! Now it's my turn, maybe? Zoidberg 1: The box says no. Narrator: Meanwhile in Universe A, Hermes A heads towards the sun ... A. Hermes: Item one Box. Check! Item two Sun. That's a big check. Hermes 1: If I know parallel Hermes, he's at the sun by now. Bender 1: Our universe is doomed! Bender 1 And Bender A: Doooooooomed! Farnsworth 1: Now don't give up yet, you cry babies. The box is gone but we still have one preposterously slim hope. Amy A: Is it a kind of hairspray? Farnsworth A: No! We must attempt to make another box containing our universe. Doy! Fry 1: Well? Is that your universe in there? Fry A: Nope. Too cold. Farnsworth A: Hmm! All women! I'll put this one aside for later. Hermes 1: Oh, man, it's hopeless! We'll never find your universe in time. Plus, this box is stuck on my fat head. Farnsworth 1: Yes, it's the apocalypse alright. I always thought I'd have a hand in it. Bender 1: I'm not sad because I finally found someone as great as me. It's like I always say, "Make new friends and keep the old. One is silver-" Bender A: "And the other's gold." Zoidberg 1: Why with the long faces? Leela 1: The idiots have the box! Zoidberg A: I think she means you. Farnsworth 1: Grab them! Zoidberg 1: You coward! Wait for me! Amy: Blug! Which one did they go into? Farnsworth A: Oh, let's all ask each other! That'll solve this problem! Farnsworth 1: We'll each have to search a universe. Everyone, grab a length of wire first so you can find your way back. Amy 1: Hello? Did you see two smelly lobsters? Hermes 25: We didn't see anything ... ... ever! Fry: Yo! Uh, did two shellfish in scrubs go by? Fry 1729: Hell, no! Leela 1729: Shut up! Bender 1729: Beat it, jerk! Leela A: Uh, have you robot versions of you guys seen any extra Zoidbergs around here? Fry 31: Negative. Will you go out with me? Leela A: Uh, access denied. Bender 1: Hey, pal, look what I snagged from the Leprechaun Universe! Bender: Yeah, Leprechaun Universe is fine ... if you haven't seen Pirate Universe! Bender 1: Faith and begorra! Farnsworth Xvii: Quae? Zoidberg A: Quick! Into another box! Zoidberg 1: There aren't any in this universe, there aren't. Hey, you, what with the no boxes? Farnsworth 420: Baby, they're somewhere. Everything's like somewhere! Place is kinda au naturel right now. Farnsworth 1: There they are! Farnsworth A: Gotcha! Farnsworth 420: Dig it! All of you fitting in this boxed is like seriously freaked up! Farnsworth 1: Nonsense! Why, there's a whole universe in there. Farnsworth 420: Dude, there's a universe in all of us. Amy 420: Right on, Professor Freaksworth! Farnsworth A: Get a job! We've got the box. Everyone, pull your wires. Farnsworth A: Hurry! Back to Universe A! Farnsworth A: Hermes, don't press that button! Hermes: OK. Fry A: Bye. Leela A: Good luck, Leela. Zoidberg A: So long, Your Majesty! Amy 1: Later! Fry: There but for the flip of a coin go we. So, um, Leela? Seeing how the universe wasn't destroyed, you wanna catch an ape fight? You know, together? Leela: Well, I guess you deserve one more flip. Fry: So, heads or tails? Leela: Y'know, let's just say it's heads. Farnsworth: Ready? Farnsworth: and One, two, three, pull! Farnsworth: There. That space-time eversion has given us their box and vice versa. Leela: So, what you think you just explained to us is that- Farnsworth: Correct! This box contains our own universe. Hermes: Sweet honey bee of infinity! Leela: Bender! Quit destroying the universe! Bender: But- Farnsworth: Yes, all that is and ever shall be is in that box. And the box itself is probably worth something too. We must cherish it, as we cherish every moment of our lives.

Bender: Going through the 'bot wash! Bender: Goin' through the robot wash! C'mon, y'all and sing it with me, 'Bot wash! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, 'Bot wash, yeah! Bender: Ah! Elzar: Hey, I'm Elzar! Welcome to the show! You know, you don't have to drive all the way to Neptune for great Neptunian food. Today we're gonna kick it up a notch as I show you how to fricassee a mouth-watering Neptunian slug. Now, while you grease the pan and preheat your oven to 3500 degrees, you're gonna separate the yolk from your genetically-enhanced eggplant and then give the whole thing a good blast from your spice weasel. Bam! Fry: Hey, what you watching? Bender: Uh, nothing! Leela: Is that a cooking show? Bender: No, of course not! It was ... uh ... porno! Yeah, that's it! Leela: Bender! I didn't know you liked cooking! That's so cute! Bender: Oh, it's true! I've been hiding it for so long. Fry: It's OK, Bender. I like cooking too. Bender: Pansy! Elzar: Of course, your most important ingredient is this baby right here The Neptunian slug. You can get it in a can but to really do things right you gotta strangle yourself a fresh one. Now this is why you gotta use cast-iron cookware. Hermes: Bender, man. It has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf about on the couch. Bender: You call that a couch? I demand a pillow! Hermes: I'm sorry but if you want to continue drawing a salary you gotta do more than watch the cooking shows all day. Bender: Hmm. Fry: You're gonna be the ships cook? Bender: Yeah! We're gonna kick it up a notch. Bam! Leela: I know you like cooking shows but you're a robot, you don't even have a sense of taste. Bender: Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top. Fry: Bam! Fry: So this is Little Neptune? Bender: Yep. Every chef knows that this is the place to get exotic gourmet ingredients. Leela: Among other things. Crack Addict: Come on, man! Don't hold out on me like this! Organ Dealer: Psst! You want to buy organ? Fresh and cheap. Ready for transplant! Fry: Ooh! What's this? Organ Dealer: Ah! Is X-Ray eyes. See through anything! Fry: Wait a minute! This says Z-Ray. Organ Dealer: Z is just as good. In fact, is better. Is two more than X. Fry: Hmm, I can see where that would be an advantage. Do you take cash? Leela: Fry, you have to be more careful. We're not in the 20th century. You don't know how things work here. Fry: I'm not a little kid, Leela. I grew up in this city. These are my people. What up? Alien: Word! Fry: See? Fry: Wow! You guys sell every kind of meat here except human! Neptunian Salesman #1: What? You want human? Leela: What's this spice for? Neptunian Salesman #2: That's powdered swamp root. Makes you irresistible to the opposite sex. Leela: Oh, that's ridiculous! (whispering) I'll take two pounds! Bender: Hey, buddy. I'm looking for fresh slug. Neptunian Salesman #1: Yellow or purple? Bender: Whatever. Neptunian Salesman #1: The purple one causes terrible nightmare-ish diarrhoea. Bender: Yeah, yeah. Either one's fine. Leela: Hey, have you seen Fry? Fry: Now that you mention it, I do have trouble breathing underwater sometimes. I'll take the gills. Organ Dealer: Yes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need lungs anymore, is right? Fry: Can't imagine why I would. Organ Dealer: Lie down on table. I take lungs now, gills come next week. (shouting) Nurse! Nurse: Let's do it. Organ Dealer: You may feel small pain- Bender: Thank you! Leela: What the hell were you doing? I warned you to stay away from those guys. Fry: I'm capable of making my own decisions, Leela. Did you ever stop to think I might be happier with gills? Farnsworth: Good news, everyone- Bender: Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that. Farnsworth: You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol... Bender: Here it comes. Farnsworth: A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone. Bender: Thank you, and goodnight. Leela: Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone? Farnsworth: Why, of course! It's just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror! Leela: Uh, Professor- Farnsworth: Off you go. Pleasant trip! Fry: Hey, Bender, how's dinner coming? Bender: Almost ready! Bender: Now for a dash of salt! Uh-oh! Leela: Listen, this is Bender's first meal and he's a little sensitive. So let's be supportive, OK? Fry: Yeah, OK. Zoidberg: Alright. Leela: Oh, dear God! Fry: That's the saltiest thing I've ever tasted. And I've once ate a big, heaping bowl of salt! Amy: Bender, is this salt water? Bender: It's salt with water in it if that's what you mean. Fry: My vision's fading. I think I'm gonna die. Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose. Zoidberg: Uh-oh! I shouldn't have had seconds. Leela: OK, Fry, here's the package to deliver. And for once in your life be careful. This is my first visit to the Galaxy of Terror and I'd like it to be a pleasant one. Fry: Ow! Leela: Don't touch anything or talk to anyone. Just go to the palace, drop it off and come right back. Fry: Jeez, will you lay off! I was delivering things before you were born! I think I know what I'm doing. Fry: Stupid slug. I've never been so thirsty. Oh, come on! Go down already! Ah! Fry: Hello? Anybody home? Guard #1: The royal bottle is empty! Guard #2: You drank our Emperor! Fry: No! It wasn't me! Guard #1: You drank our Emperor! You assassinated him! Fry: I didn't mean to. He just looked so cool and refreshing. Guard #3: I'm sure he was. Guard #1: But now he's gone and your fate is sealed. All hail the new Emperor. Guards: Hail! Hail! Hail! Leela: So after I specifically asked you not to touch anything, you drank a bottle of strange blue liquid? It could have been poisonous acid! Fry: It could have been. But chances were equally good it was an Emperor. Merg: Excuse me, Your Majesty, I am Merg, the High Priest. If I might interject? Fry: You might. Merg: I humbly advise that as your first act you choose a capable Prime Minister. I suggest Gorgak, the previous appointee. Gorgak: I will be a forceful and effective administrator. Bender: You know, Fry, I've often thought about becoming a Prime Minister. Fry: I gotta go with Bender. Bender: Yes! In your face, Gorgak! Leela: That's it, Fry. As your captain I order you back to the ship. You are in way over your head. Fry: Gee, you think so, Captain? I'd better check with my Prime Minister. Bender: Stay the course, pal! Gorgak: Your Highness, a package came for you. Fry: Hey, thanks! Wow! This got here just in time. Merg: This is Your Majesty's harem. You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort. Fry: Um, how about that one? Merg: Oh! I didn't realise Your Majesty was into that sort of thing! Fry: On second thought, I'll take that one. Merg: Hey, whatever you say. I'm not here to pass judgement. Leela: Does anyone else think it's odd that a shiftless 25-year-old delivery boy could drop out of the sky, kill the emperor and be rewarded instead of punished? Fry: You don't have to beat around the bush, Leela. We all know who you're talking about ... uh, me, right? Amy: I don't think you have anything to worry about. These people seem really mild-mannered. Zoidberg: They are mild. In fact, you're soaking in one right now. Gorgak: You touched me in ways I've never been touched before. Merg: Ah, there you are, Your Majesty. It's time to begin preparing for tomorrow's coronation ceremony. Zoidberg: A fancy dress gala! I'll wear my formal shell. Merg: Fry will be enthroned tomorrow at the setting of the three suns when we Trisolians enter our nocturnal phase. Fry: There won't be a lot of long-winded speeches, will there? Merg: Only one. The absolutely flawless recitation from memory of the royal oath. By you. Fry: Will there be cake? Zoidberg: Yeah, I know. Amy: Hi! Fry: There you go. Gorgak: And now, get ready to laugh till your sides leak with our planet's foremost political satirist, Florp! Florp: So what is the deal with people from under the orange sun? They're all... But us guys from under the red sun, we're like... Right? Am I right? Fry: Oh, yeah! Yeah, he's right! Leela: Fry, I have to talk to you. You're in terrible danger. Leela: You see Emperor Plon here? He met his end when he was drunk by Emperor Strug. And before he could even wipe his mouth, Strug was drunk by Shwab. Fry: So? Leela: Look at all these guys. Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was? Fry: 80,000 years? Leela: No. One week. Fry: Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low. Leela: Every Emperor ascended to power by assassinating the previous one. And guess who's next? Fry: Well, at least my assassin will get what's coming to him. Leela: You're in tremendous danger, you idiot! Half of these Emperors were drunk at their own coronation. Fry: Hey, I plan on having a few brewskis myself. Leela: No, they were assassinated. In fact, the law says you'll be killed on the spot if you fail to recite the oath from memory. Fry: Yeah, I was going to thumb through that later. Leela: That is completely reckless. Don't you ever think ahead? Fry: Hell, no. If I stopped to think ahead, I wouldn't be Emperor. And I wouldn't even be here in the year 3000. It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came and the grasshopper died and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you? Leela: I give up! You're gonna get yourself killed and this time I won't be here to save you. Fry: Who asked you to? I told you a hundred times to stop treating me like a baby. Now go. Go gather your nuts, you nagging grasshopper. Leela: That's it! I'm never helping you again! If anyone except you needs me, I'll be in the ship. Fry: I'll be fine. It's not like anyone's gonna drink me. Quit it! Merg: People of Trisol, it is my honour to present your new Emperor. Fry: What up? Merg: Stick to the oath. Fry: Right! I, Fry, who drank Bont the Viscous, who drank Ungo the Moist, who guzzled Zorn the Stagnant... Fry: (reading) Who slurped Hudge the Dewy, who enjoyed a soup composed principally of Throm the Chunky, do solemnly swear to rule with honour and insanity- Uh, integrity! Merg: Congratulations, Your Highness. I now present you with your royal unisex robe. Long live Fry the Solid! Bender: Hey, look. The suns are setting. I can finally switch to hard liquor! Bender: Check out the glowing freaks. It's beautiful! Hey, what's that? Merg: The Emperor Bont! He's still alive. Bont: Of course I'm alive. Now cut this creep open and drain me out! Fry: My tummy hurts! Bont: They're over here, they're running up the stairs. Bender: Shut up, you! Fry: Ow! Merg: Let us in! Merg: Fry must die so that Bont may live. Fry: What am I gonna do? Amy: We've gotta get the Emperor out of your body before they kill you! Zoidberg: Relax, Fry. I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge, separating out the denser fluid of His Highness. Fry: But won't that crush my bones? Zoidberg: Oh, right, right, with the bones! I always forget about the bones. Bender: Hey, why don't you just sweat him out? Bont: Forget it! As Emperor I refuse to be dripped out through somebody's armpit. Fry: I could vomit or urinate. Would you feel better about that? Bont: Slightly. But my favourite so far is the bone-crushing. Amy: What about crying? Fry: That's a great idea! Crying. Bont: Fine. That or the bone one. Merg: Keep it up, men. The veneer is starting to peel. Gorgak: Oh, dear! Fry: It's no use. I wanna cry but I'm just too macho. Bender: I'll make you cry, buddy! You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything. Fry: What do you mean? I was Emperor of a whole planet. Bender: Good point. But here's a disturbing reminder Everyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead. Fry: These things happen. Bender: OK, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one, 'cause there's no God and your idiotic human ideals are laughable! Fry: Phew! That's a load off my mind. Bender: Man, I guess it's harder than I thought to make someone cry. Amy: You did your best, Bender. Bender: Up yours, bimbo! Zoidberg: Let's face it, we're in hot butter here. We should call Leela for help. Bender: Cram it, lobster! That is a good idea. I'll go call her. Fry: She'll never help me. She's still mad that I told her never to help me. Amy: C'mon. Leela's not the type to hold a grudge. Operator: Collect call from... Bender: I'm not giving my name to a machine. Leela: I'll accept. Bender: Fry's in trouble... Bender: And he needs help. Now, I don't like you and you don't like me. Leela: I like you. Bender: You do? Look, are you going to help or not? Leela: I don't know why I should. I mean after what he- Bender: Wait, wait, wait, wait. What is it you like best about me? Amy: Is she coming? Bender: I'm not sure. But I do know that she likes my in-your-face attitude. Fry: What the hell is that? Bont: Its the Juice-A-Matic 4000. It'll strain my juices from you while filtering out the pulp. By which I mean, your shredded remains. Zoidberg: Of course! Why didn't I think of that! Fry: This is the saddest day of my life. And I still can't cry. Bender: Wait a second. Here comes Leela. Amy: Oh, no! They have her totally outnumbered. Fry: I can't believe it. She's risking her life for me after the way I treated her. I don't deserve this. I feel terrible. Bender: You do? Hmm. Fry: Is she alright? Bender: I don't know. Perhaps I'll look out this window. Oh, dear God in heaven, they're swarming all over her. Fry: No. No! Amy: What are you talking about, Bender? She's al- (muffled) Oh! Bender: They're strapping her to juicer. Oh, they're putting some ice cubes in the glass under it. Fry: This can't be happening. Bender: It can and, for all you know, it is. I'm sorry, Fry. She's dead. Fry: All Leela ever wanted to do was help me. But I was to proud, too stupid to accept it. I wish I had died instead of her. Leela: What are you talking about? Fry: Leela! You're alive! Leela: Of course I'm alive. Bender: I told Fry you were dead so he would cry out the Emperor but you had to go and wreck it by surviving. Amy: We only got two drops. Bont: It's only a matter of time now. Zoidberg: I'll handle this! Leela: Listen, Fry, I think I can get us out of this if you're willing to let me help you. Fry: Thanks, Leela. From now on, I'll take all the help you're willing to give. I know you just want what's best for me. Ow! What was that for? Hey, come on! That hurt! Leela: I know. Amy, get the bottle. Fry: Oh, now I understand. Leela: Come on. Everybody help out Fry. Fry: Thanks, everybody. I love you all. You guys are true- Ow! Cut it out, Bender! That's a tender area! Leela: How we doing, Amy? Amy: Great! We're one-tenth of the way there. Amy: OK, it's your turn. Fry: Hey, wait a minute! Who are you? Bont: I'm the Emperor! Thanks for crying me out. Fry: Oh, you're welcome. Bender: Hey! Save some for me!

Announcer: This week in the universe. Dateline, Turantulon 6 The brave warriors of Earth, under the command of General Major Webelo Zapp Brannigan, have achieved victory over the spider homeworld. And to the victor belong the spoils; one trillion dollars in silken treasure. Zapp: Mmm! Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, after meeting with top voodoo economists, I have decided to refund our silk surplus to you, the taxpayers. That's right! I've sent you each 300 buckaroos in the form of a Tricky Dick Fun Bill. Knock yourselves out! Zoidberg: Money! Amy: I'm slightly richer! Bender: What to do, what to do? One $300 hookerbot or 300 $1 hookerbots? Leela: I'm going to swim with a whale. They're the gentle giants of the deep. Farnsworth: I'm well aware of that. Scruffy: Scruffy's gonna get himself one of them $300 haircuts. This one's lost its pizzazz! Zoidberg: A fortune, it is! At last Zoidberg will live like a rich man! Nixon: Hey, cut it out! Go away! Get away! Amy: Shmeesh! It's just 300 bucks. What is that, like a hundred cups of coffee? Fry: That's it! I'm getting a hundred cups of coffee. Starting now. Coffee machine, one cup of coffee, please. Nixon: Smells good! Zapp: Leela? Are you there? Leela: No. Zapp: Oh, yes, you are! I'm hereby inviting you and your oddball co-workers to a special reception to display the national silk surplus. I believe you know the heroic space stallion who captured it. Show them my medal, Kif. Kif: He rented it with his tax refund. Zapp: So, Leela, will you have the pleasure? Leela: What little there is to be had. Zapp: Tomorrow night at eight them. Smooches! Crack Addict: No cheap crack houses for me no more! Man #1: Very good, sir. Shall I pre-warm sir's crack pipe? Amy: Oh, Kif, it was so romantic of you to rent this paddle plane with your tax rebate. We're like two dandelion seeds wafting on the breeze. Kif: Yes. Seeds ... wafting. Amy: I almost feel kinda shallow for blowing my rebate on this cool talking tattoo! Tattoo #1: Hey, Gordon Gecko! I cost as much as this whole crummy date! Amy: Shut up! Ow! Farnsworth: Uh, ma'am, it has become too much of a chore for me to clean out my wrinkles each day. Is it true that stem cells may fight the aging process? Geneworks Woman: Well, yes. In the same way an infant may fight Muhammad Ali. But- Farnsworth: One pound of stem cells, please. Geneworks Woman: Of course, any age-reversing effects will be purely temporary. Bender: Say, buddy, why's this Grand Cigar so pricey? Clerk: Well, as you can see, its wrapper is a piece of the original US Constitution. It was hand-rolled by Queen Elizabeth during her wild years and was buried with George Burns until graverobbing space mushrooms- Uh, well you know the rest. Bender: Give you 300 bucks for it. Clerk: No can do. Bender: Oh, alright, I'll just take these $300 burglars tools then. Clerk: Very good, sir. Bender: So, uh, what time d'you close tonight? Dwight: Hey, Pops! Did that tax rebate come? Hermes: Came and went! You're now the proud owner of Bamboo Boogie Boots. With a warning label this big, you know they gotta be fun. Dwight: But, Pops, I don't wanna have fun. I wanna be like you; boring but prudently invested. Hermes: Babylon's bells! I tallied almost 300 bananas on this entertainment product. Now you put 'em on and have fun. Dwight: I don't wanna! Hermes: Well then I'm gonna put 'em on and make you watch me have fun. See? Fun! Fun- Dwight! Help me! Dwight: I'll save you, Pops! Farnsworth: Hey! Turn that damn music- Up! Hermes: Isn't this fun? Dwight: No! I wish I had two mommies! Randy: Try these, uh, sir. Zoidberg: I ask for rich guy stuff and you give me shiny pebbles? Bah! I bid you adieu. Randy: Ow! Leela: I'd like a pass to swim with Mushu, please. Whale Biologist: Well you asked the right guy. I'm the whale biologist. Though personally I hate whales. Especially Mushu. Leela: Then why'd you become a whale biologist? Whale Biologist: I don't know you well enough to get into that. $300, please. Noon tomorrow. If you're late you only get to tread water in the scallop tank. Fry: Uh, I'll have a coffee. Man #2: Guppy, trout, mermaid or- Fry: Whale, please. Kif: Amy, I-I also spent some of my tax rebate on a gift for you. Amy: Oh, Kiffie! Kif: It shows the time wherever we both are. And it's powered by love! Also, you have to wind it. Tattoo #1: Oh! Somebody won big at Skeeball! Amy: You shut up! I love it, Kif. I'll use it whenever I wanna know what time it is. Ooh! It's Fry and Leela! Hi, Fry and Leela! Kif: Oh! Keep peddling! Oh, for the love of God, keep peddling! Amy: Bye, Fry and Leela! Tattoo #1: Oh, I can't wait until the tattoos on Amy's butt hear about this! Tattoo #2: Hear about what? Tattoo #3: Tell us! Amy: Don't feel sad, my little tadpole. Kif: I'm trying not to. But my gift to you is in the belly of a whale. Zoidberg: Say, this reminds me of that time I ate that other watch Kif gave you. Amy: Hey, it is kinda like that. Zoidberg: To induce vomiting, that was the solution. Everywhere it went! What a Valentine's Day that was! Leela: Hmm. This may seem like a huge coincidence, but I happen to have an in with that whale. Scruffy: Scruffy's formulated a plan, but you'll need a ready source of nauseatin' rotten fish. Elzar: Freshen your coffee, sir? Fry: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Keep it coming! Put the pot down! Get away! April: You're so young in spirit. It's hard to believe you're as old as 25. Farnsworth: The key is to grab life by the hojos! Live every day like it might be your last. Elzar: What'll it be, kids? Farnsworth: One bowl of mild farina. Leela: Pay dirt! Hi-yah! Elzar: Here you go, big spender. Foie gras and caviar. Zoidberg: Goose liver? Fish eggs? Pah! Where's the goose? Where's the fish? Elzar: Hey, that's what rich people eat. The garbage parts of the food. Zoidberg: I ate garbage yesterday and it didn't cost me $300! I'm not paying. Farewell, good sir! Bender: Le Grand Cigar! She is mine! And with absolutely no consequences. Smitty: You see that? Url: Grand theft tobacco. Time to get off our fat, cop asses and ride! Elzar: Pee-yew! This fish is slightly too rotten to even make jambalaya. Amy: So far, so good. Where's Kif? Fry: This isn't Yemeni! It's Sulawesi! And the cup's shaking! I don't want my coffee shaking! Bender: You seem a tad wound up, buddy. And your face is greasy. Real greasy! You been up all night? Fry: Of course I've been up all night! Not because of caffeine. It was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee. I need a nap. Coffee time! Bender: Ah! Mighty fine smokable! Fry: Fancy cigar. Why don't you smoke it already? Puff, puff! Go, go, go, go, go! Bender: Nah, you can't blow the smoke from such a majestic stogie in just anyone's face. I'm saving it for the fancy-pantses at Zapp Brannigan's black tie reception. You comin'? Whale Biologist: And the fifth reason whales kill is for the sheer fun of it. Leela: Anything else? Whale Biologist: Yeah. You're lumpy and you smell awful. Hey, I calls 'em like I sees 'em! I'm a whale biologist. Leela: OK, Mushu, it's feeding time! Oh, crud! He ate my suit. Whale Biologist: The suit was ugly. Whale biologist! Caddy: Perhaps if you tightened your grip, sir? Zoidberg: Ah! Thank you, golf slave. Bah! Rich people wouldn't waste their time on this nonsense. Plus, these eggs are gritty and tasteless. Farnsworth: Ow! Not so rough! Whale Biologist: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Mushu, the educated whale who thinks he's better than you. Amy: C'mon, Mushu! Barf! Barf like a freshman! Whale Biologist: And now, ignorant whale lovers, we'll see who's boss as I make Mushu jump through this hoop. Jump, Mushu! Who wants a fish? Sam: Mushu is sad! Url: It just keeps comin' and comin'. Kif: Wait! That chunk. It's the watch! I got it, Amy! I got it! The plan went off without a- Whale Biologist: He's got aquarium property! Stop him! Url: Better do what he says. He's a whale biologist. Smitty: You're under arrest, you squishy punk! Zapp: The Spiderians, though weak and woman-like on the battlefield, are masters of the textile arts. Taste like king crab, by the way. Crazy bugs actually wove this tapestry of my heroic conquest while I was still killing them. Zoidberg: What? It's not even scratch and sniff? But if rich people think it's good, I'll buy it. One art, please! Mom: What a clever impersonation of a stupid, poor person. How much is that placemat actually worth, Brannigan? Zapp: Exactly $1 billion. Mom: Now that's walking-around money! Nixon: What? Hey! Wait! Aroo! Whitey: So I said to Kitty, "The only way to keep the butler from running away is to cut off his foot." Yes, it reminds me of a joke I heard about upper-middle-class people. Amy: I've never been sad at a party before. I wonder if my mind is thinking about Kif being in jail. Scruffy: Jail's not so bad. You can make sangria in the terlet. Course, it's shank or be shanked. Amy: Of course. Whale Biologist: Look, just give back our property and we'll drop the charges. Kif: Fine, have the watch. It's broken anyway. Whale Biologist: I don't want your watch. You're covered in precious ambergris. Kif: Precious ... hamburgers? Holo-Roseanne: Ambergris. Noun. A grease-like product of the sperm whales digestive tract that is used as a base in the finest perfumes. This has been Roseanne, your guide to the world of facts. Whale Biologist: You heard Roseanne. Scrape off the priceless ambergris and I'll let you go. Kif: Or-Or better yet, I'll simply shed my skin. Morbo: Stop it! Stop it! It's fine! I will destroy you! Farnsworth: Wha? Uh, gotta go. Uh, fight club! April: What's happening, Hubie? Farnsworth: I'm afraid the face you fell in love with was actually just a blob of living gunk I bought with my tax refund. April: Well as long as we're being honest, I also spent my tax refund on a crazy treatment. Farnsworth: That certainly is honest. April: It's better for us to both just be ourselves. You, wrinkled as a prune. Farnsworth: You, fat as the queen of sea cows. April: I love you! Farnsworth: Oh, my! Kif: So, you see, the putrid, waxy substance I was coated with was- Amy: Not precious ambergris! Kif: Yes! And I managed to sneak some out in the usual place. Ta-da! Using that, I'll make you a perfume of lilac and jasmine and frankenberry. Amy: Oh, Kif, it's so romantic I can't even wait! I'm gonna wear it right now. Mom: Who smells like freaking porpoise hork? Amy: I do! Kiss me, Kif! Zoidberg: Oh, what a foolish squid I've been. I'm not rich. I can't even buy one measly masterpiece. Gus: Pardon us, gent. Might a couple of hungry, hungry hobos take a feed from that aluminum snack box? Zoidberg: So now I'm in the gutter, surrounded by bums who eat garbage? Money brought me no happiness. Bupkiss! Dandy Jim: Ooh! This boot's got a little pudding at the bottom. Beeler: Interestingly, the Spiderians are more closely related to our elephants than our spiders. Hermes: Don't mind us! Nixon: The loot! The loot! The loot is on fire! Zapp: Leela, my precious rock tub. I'll save you! Kif: Everyone! To the fire door! Leela: It's on fire! Farnsworth: We're trapped, my sweet hippopotamus! Fry: Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee! Dwight: Where are we, Pops? Farnsworth: Wha? April: What happened to the food? Leela: I think we were saved by a mysterious orange blur. Zoidberg: Welcome, one and all. I finally figured out how money could make me happy. By using it to buy my hungry friends a feast. Dandy Jim: Everyone join us. Oysters Rockefeller here has provided genuine turkey dogs! Whitey: Heck, you're never too rich to enjoy a free turkey dog. Amy: Yeah! Bender: Alright! Turkey dog! April: I'll take four! Leela: Me too! Mom: Oh, what the hell. Hermes: Here, Dwight. The boots only cost $299.99. You invest this penny like you wanted. Dwight: Thanks, Dad. I'm gonna take this and buy five shares of Amazon.com. Hermes: A risk-taker? That's my boy! Nixon: The entire surplus is gone! Oh, what a McGovern I've been! Why did I have to issue that crooked tax rebate? Leela: At least we got a few mildly interesting stories out of it. Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Bender: Speaking of which, my story kinda petered out without me learning a lesson. Smitty: There he is! Bender: Alright! Closure! Holo-Roseanne: Futurama. Noun. Um, I don't know, you just watched it, dummy. What are you asking me for? Hey, here's a fun definition Idiot. Noun. You! This has been Roseanne, your guide to the world of facts.

John Dimaggio: Prepare for the stereophonic experience. Bender: Aw, New New York City! Woooo! Woooo! Don' worry about it! Do the robot, baby! Farnsworth: Oh, Lord! Hiking is always such a strain on the buttocks. Fry: Shh! What was that sound? Bender: It wasn't a bird's nest falling. That sounds like this. Aww, they're so cute when they're scared. Fry: I meant the sound Bigfoot just made. He's been sighted a lot in this area recently. Just last week, a blind hiker felt him. Farnsworth: Don't tell me you actually believe in Bigfoot, you blathering ninny-hammer. Fry: Of course I do! Bigfoot's my hero. Growing up, he was the celebrity I most identified with. Zoidberg: Why? Fry: 'Cause he was a loner who hated the popular monsters yet longed to be one. Zoidberg: I can so relate to that. Leela: Ugh! Enough emotions! This isn't a fat camp, for God's sake. Although you wouldn't know it from looking. Zoidberg: Bender, if you want to sleep in the tent tonight, you're welcome to join me and Hermes for a little "just friends" spooning. Bender: Nah, I'm comfy out here under the stars. Real comfy! Ranger Park: Hey, I'm Ranger Park, the park ranger. Fry: I get it! Ranger Park: Now since this area's a national Bigfoot preserve, we'll start with a short film about Bigfoot while I make a few phone calls. Narrator: Bigfoot ... ... Endangered Mystery! In the dense forests of the Pacific Northwest ... ... dwells the strange and beautiful creature known as Bigfoot, perhaps. Fry: That proves it! Narrator: Sadly, logging and human settlement today threaten what might possibly be his habitat. Although if it's not, they don't. Bigfoot populations require vast amounts of land to remain elusive in. They typically dwell just behind rocks but are also sometimes playful, bounding into thick fogs and out-of-focus areas. Ranger Park: It should say "Top Quality Exercycle For Sale" and could you put "top quality" in bold? You can't? OK, whatever. Narrator: Remember, it's up to us. Bigfoot is a crucial part of the ecosystem, if he exists. So let's all help keep Bigfoot possibly alive for future generations to enjoy unless he doesn't exist. The end. Ranger Park: I-I gotta call you back. Alright, questions? Sal: Yeah. Have yous ever seens Bigfeet? Ranger Park: Technically, no. But I do see him each night in my dreams and each day in the smiling faces of hairy children. Farnsworth: Bunk! Bunk I say! Bring me a bag full of Bigfoot's droppings or shut up! Ranger Park: I have the droppings of someone who saw Bigfoot. Farnsworth: Shut up! Bender: Oh, my God! Look! It's Bigfoot! Ranger Park: Where? Bender: Eh, he's gone. He said you should keep wasting your life though. Petunia: Oh! I saw Bigfoot crushing cars at the county fair. Ranger Park: What you saw was Bigfoot the monster truck. But thanks for a great question. Fry: Sir, if I may, why don't you just set up like a billion video cameras in the woods and see if he walks by one? Ranger Park: Ah, that would be very expensive, and most people who believe in Bigfoot are broke. Bender: Hey, look! Bigfoot! He's back! Ranger Park: Where? Bender: Up your face! Everybody do the Bender! Amy: The sky out here is amazing. Look at all those satellites. Farnsworth: Goodnight, employees. Hermes: Goodnight. Zoidberg: Goodnight, Hubert. Fry: You doin' alright out there, buddy? Bender: Better than these gnats! That guy won't be goin' home to his kids. Bender: Who's that? A wolf? Or some kind of boogen? Oh, God, I wish I was safe inside a tent. Fry! Fry wake up! It's me, Bigface! Bender: Come out and groom my mangy fur! Fry: Huh? Bigfoot? You taught yourself English? Fry: Bigfoot? Bigfoot? Fry: Bigfoot? Is that you? I'm not like the others, Bigfoot; I see through your monster coatings to the gentle loner inside. I bet you have a wounded racoon friend that you tenderly nurse back to health while you go... But in the end they shoot you. But you teach us about things. Oh. Just a flying saucer. Excuse me? You can't park here. The parking area's over there. Wow! Nice tube. Hey! Hey, what's the big idea? Stop abducting me. Why does your vanity plate say "Probe 1"? Leela: There's nothing so refreshing as the clean, crisp taste of this bold Canadian beer. Hermes: Well, see you in an hour. I gotta go do some business behind that tree. Amy: Bender, wasn't that Fry's tent? Bender: "Bender"! Leela: Bender raises a good point Where is Fry? Fry: Amy, you won't believe what happened ... ... it was so scary that you wouldn't- I know, but listen, it gets even scarier. Farnsworth: Fry! What in Sega Genesis happened to you? Fry: That's what I'm trying to tell you. See- Why are you all staring at me like that? Is there something on my face? Hermes: Uh ... no. Leela: Someone should tell him. Fry: Tell me what? Leela: Nothing. Zoidberg: Well I have a lot of experience telling patients bad news, so let me break it to him gently. Fry, you have no nose! Your nose is gone! You have no nose on your face! Where it is I can't say but on your face it's not! Fry: What? Bender: Aww! I think it's sweet. You chopped off your nose so you could look more like your hero. Me, Bender! Fry: My God! They must have taken it last night. Farnsworth: Which last night? Fry: In the woods. I was walking ... for Bigfoot, looking ... and then aliens beamed me up. Amy: Were they little grey dudes with big oval heads? I don't get that gesture. Am I wrong? Zoidberg: Cheer up, friend. When we get home a high-quality prosthesis will have you looking good as new. Fry: I'm a pathetic freak. My life is ruined. Hermes: Man, you are such a jokester! Fry: I'll never have another moment of happiness. Leela: I know you're trying to mask your pain with humour, but don't worry. I'm sure the Professor can clone you a new nose. Fry: Eh, it wouldn't be the same. I want my nose. I don't want to have to teach a new one how to shoot milk when I laugh. Farnsworth: Well there's no sense fretting. Good Lord, you're ugly! The fact is your nose is gone and we'll never find out who did it or why. Bender: Guys! Guys! There's something on television. Linda: Alien abductions Until now, a harmless nuisance. But recently they've taken on a sinister dimension as unsuspecting victims are returned ... without noses. Fry: Like me! Morbo: The culprits Shameless poachers, hunting humans without a permit. Linda: The valuable nose, or "human horn", fetches a high price on alien worlds as an aphrodisiac. Fry: My nose is an aphrodisiac? I'm gonna drop a barf! Morbo: Demand for human horn is great, due, in part, to titillating scenes from depraved alien TV programmes too filthy for Earth broadcast. Let's watch. Neptunian Woman: Human horn? But ... it is forbidden! Neptunian Man: So is our love. Fry: Blech! We have to track down my nose before some alien snarfs it and does the worm. Who's in? Leela: Me and Bender and maybe Zoidberg if he feels like it. Zoidberg: No, I'm good. Alien: Let's see, I'll take a pancreas, two sphincters and a large Coke. Vendor: One number three combo! Fry: It's no use. We've been to every scuzzy bazaar in the galaxy, including Pottery Barn. Leela: Wait. What's that? Salesman: Welcome, friends. How may I pervert you? Fry: Uh, I'm looking for human horn. Salesman: Shh! You're not cops, right? Leela: Of course not. In fact, he's a crook. Bender: Yep. Stolen Pez anyone? Salesman: Right this way. Salesman: Human horn. So fresh you can still see the eyeglass marks. Fry: Nope. Uh-uh. Ew! Now look. This is the nose we want. Did you sell it to somebody? Salesman: I'm sorry, sir, but due to the perverted nature of our business, customer records are strictly confidential. Right this way. Salesman: I video-tape everyone who comes in here so I can blackmail them later. Hey, I'm a porno-dealing monster, what do I care what you think? Here's the weirdo who bought your horn. Leela: That's Lrrr! Ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8. Lrrr: You got any, uh, you know, uh human horn? Salesman: Speak up! You're muttering! Lrrr: I said, uh human horn? Salesman: You're not a cop, right? Lrrr: Oh, no, no. I'm just some guy ... ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8! Lrrr: So let me get this straight If I buy eight Caramello bars, you all get to go to some camp. Bender: Yep. That's exactly the lie we used to get past your guards. Fry: Oh, great space king, I humbly beg you to return my human horn. Lrrr: Uh, human horn? How ridiculous! Why would a virile male like Lrrr need human horn? I don't even know what it's for. What is it, something you-you put in salad dressing? Nd-Nd: Like you've ever seen a salad. Lrrr: My weight is appropriate and attractive! Leela: Whoa! You guys have issues. Lrrr: She has issues! I'm fine! But there's no human horn around here, so make friends with the door. Fry: Alright. I give up. I guess I'll just go home and marry a skunk. Nd-Nd: Oh, let's just give it to him. Here. Fry: My nose! Light of my face! Lrrr: Uh, what is that? How do you have that, Nd-Nd? I've never seen it before. My friend left it here. Leela: Hold still, Fry. I can reattach it with my emergency face laser. Fry: Hey! You burned my cheek! Leela: Yeah, sorry, I wasn't really concentrating. Fry: No, I mean the singed flesh, I can smell it! And those lilacs on the table. Lrrr: At least someone noticed. Nd-Nd: For the last time, I don't like lilacs! Your first wife was the one who liked lilacs. Lrrr: She also liked to shut up! Fry: Well, great seeing you. I guess we'll be on our- Bender: Yo, Highness. Uh, just out of robo-curiosity, why would you use a guy's nose for an aphrodisiac instead of his, you know, wing-dang-doodle? Lrrr: But, uh, I thought the horn was the human wing-dang-doodle. Bender: No, sir, chief! The main event, so to speak, is downstairs near the wallet. Ever seen soccer players line up to block a free kick? They ain't covering their noses, I'll tell you that much. Well, see you! Lrrr: Interesting. The trousers conceal a tiny secondary horn. Fry: Hey, what've you heard? Lrrr: Guards! Seize him! Prepare to harvest the lower horn! Fry: OK, you can have my nose. Lrrr: Guards! Guard #1: Yeah? Lrrr: Remove the human's lower horn and prepare it to be eaten by me. Nd-Nd: In other words, slop a lot of ketchup and salt on it. Lrrr: Then bring it to our royal bedchamber and put it in the sock drawer with all the other things that have failed to arouse my passion for this woman. Guard #2: Remove pants! Fry: Wait! Listen. I'm usually the first guy to toot my own lower horn- Bender: I'll say! Fry: But in this case I-I just don't think it'll do any good. Bender: That's what she said! Leela: Let's face it, you two have deep relationship problems that can't be solved by an aphrodisiac. Fry: However huge it might be. Nd-Nd: So what do you suggest, painfully-single human? Leela: Well, why don't you think back to what brought you together in the first place? Nd-Nd: Oh, I don't know. Lrrr used to be so tender. Lrrr: I only wrote that poem to test my printer. Nd-Nd: We'd go walking in the woods and Lrrr would find injured little tinkle-bunnies and nurse them back to health. Lrrr: Yes, but I'm the one who injured them! Nd-Nd: Oh, shush. You stepped on them by accident and then you cried all night. That's the kind of sensitive man you used to be. Lrrr: And you used to wear a size-3 cape. But not anymore! Now bring me that lower horn while I'm still in the mood. Fry: Wh-What if we helped you get your passion back without the hassle of mutilating me? Leela: Yeah, we know a great place in the mountains. We could take you there for a romantic dinner under the stars. Nd-Nd: Hmm. Sounds interesting. But he would never do it. Lrrr: Like hell I wouldn't. I'm not gonna be blamed for not going. Fry: Then it's a deal. We get one night. I keep my horn as long as you two end up doing the horizontal monster mash. Bender: I don't get it! Bender: Bonjour. May I offer you a box of wine for the edge of the table? Lrrr: No, thanks. Just water, please. Tap water! Nd-Nd: Oh, big spender! Lrrr: That's it! This date is over. Waiter! Fry: So, what can I get you this evening? Lrrr: Your lower horn! Fry: I'll just start you off with some bread. Some sexy, arousing bread! Lrrr: Fine! But none of that whole-grain goat food. And bring plenty of melted butter. Nd-Nd: Why don't you just inject some fat straight into your ass and cut out the middle man? Lrrr: One of these days, Nd-Nd. Bang! Zoom! Straight to the third moon of Omicron Persei 8! Lrrr: Mmm! This jerked chicken is good. I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked. Bender: It's used to it! Fry: So, uh, how are you two snooky-poopums doing? Nd-Nd: Poorly. Lrrr: My wife is right, for once. There's very little magic in the air. Ready the lower horn transport vessel. Bender: Boy, who knew a cooler could also make a handy wang coffin? Hey, uh, mind if I stick these in here? Guard #1: Go for it. Leela: Don't worry, Fry. Things look bad but I still have a trump card; the most beautiful love song ever written. (singing badly) And I will always love you, Will always love you. Nd-Nd: The humans are attacking! Lrrr: Pluck the lower horn and let's get out of here! Bender: Quick, Fry! Run for it! Fry: Come on, freedom cage! Roll me to safety! Yes! I never thought I'd escape with my doodle, but I pulled it out! Bender: Just like at the movie theatre! Lrrr: Give me that! Fry: Bigfoot! He's real! I knew it! The Loch Ness Monster's book was right! Lrrr: Well, hello there, my furry friend. Nd-Nd: Look at his adorable little feet. Yes, you are a cutie-pie. Ranger Park: Holy macaroni! I can't believe I'm seeing Bigfoot! He's in focus! Oh, I've waited my entire life for this moment. Nd-Nd: What? Bender: What are you doing with that? Lrrr: You're going to kill this innocent giganto? Ranger Park: Of course not. I'm just gonna tranquilize him so I can chop off his feet as proof he exists. Then dump him back in the wild. He'll do fine. Lrrr: You'll have to get through me first. Ranger Park: OK. Nighty night! Lrrr: Now leave this gentle Sasquatch, or Wood Ape, in peace so I can finally and at long last harvest this pathetic human's lower horn. Fry: Yeah! Lrrr: Wait. What am I saying? If I poach this beast's lower horn, am I any better than that ranger with his demented foot lust? Yes. But not by enough. Ranger Park: Score! Lrrr: This human's lower horn is one of God's creatures, a living thing, and all living things, large and small- Bender: In this case "small"! Lrrr: Have dignity and a spark of the divine. Nd-Nd: That's the gentle, sensitive, poet warlord I fell in love with. Lrrr: Uh, you'll wanna retreat to a safe, 500-metre radius! Leela: Well, Fry, it looks like you get to hold onto your lower horn. Bender: As usual! Run away! Narrator: You're on a scenic route through a state recreation known as the human mind. You ask a passer-by for directions, only to find he has no face or something. Suddenly, up ahead, a door in the road. You swerve, narrowly avoiding The Scary Door. Scientist: I have combined the DNA of the world's most evil animals to make the most evil creature of them all. Man: It turns out it's Man.

Bender: Huh? I choose to not understand these signs. Bender: Aha! Fry: Bender? I was just not playing the holophonor. Bender: Yeah, well you should try not stinking at it. Fry: I am trying. I've been taking lessons. Bender: Lessons? Oh, that's rich! Isn't it time you gave up all hope of ever improving yourself in any way? Fry: I know I should but I just can't. Remember when I had those stomach worms that made me smart? I could play the holophonor and it made Leela like me. Hey, Bender, as long as you know, I have a holophonor recital Tuesday. I'd really like to have somebody there. Please? Bender: Fine, I'll go already. Y'know, sometimes I wish your real parents were still alive. Not often, though. Bender: Whoa! Hey! Fry: Uh, hello, Mrs. Mellonger. Mrs. Mellonger: Hello, Philip. And you must be Mr. Bender. Philip's told me so much about you. Is it true that you're a robot? Bender: I prefer the term "love machine". Bender: Wow! Your kid is great. How hard did you say you had to hit him? Mother: Fairly hard. Fry: The Grumpy Snail. Sorry! Boy: It's too grumpy! Fry: Ow! No! Quit it! Stop! Mrs. Mellonger: Mr. Bender, I simply cannot teach your child. Bender: Then good day, madam! We hope to see you soon for tea. Fry: It's hopeless! I can hear all this great music in my head but my stupid hands can't keep up. Bender: Aww. You know what always cheers me up? Laughing at other people's misfortunes. Leela: Hey, guys. You missed a great delivery to Space Earth. Where you been all afternoon? Fry: At, uh, uh, a concert. Leela: Ooh! Was it jazz noodling? My ex-boyfriend Sean played the sax. I used to listen for hours while he sat naked on my couch and improvised. Bender: So musicians really Rodger your Hammerstein, huh? Leela: Yeah, it's weird; Sean was uneducated, unambitious. He was pastey and hunched- Fry: Pretty boy. Leela: But when he played I could sense this incredible, beautiful creative soul. Then one day I found someone else's couch fibres on his butt. I couldn't believe it. I was really... Fry: That could be my beautiful soul sitting naked on her couch if I could just learn to play this stupid thing. Bender: Oh, but you can. Though you may have to metaphorically make a "deal with the devil". And by "devil" I mean "Robot Devil". And by "metaphorically" I mean "get your coat". Robot Devil: You hit a sour note about 200 years back, Doug! Let's take it from the top. Ah, Bender, Fry. You've come back for more eternal damnation. Bender: No, this isn't a religious visit. Fry just wants holophonor lessons. Fry: Yep. I need to get really good without practising. Robot Devil: Hell is full of ten-year-olds who wanted exactly the same thing. Trouble is, you have what my old music teacher, Mrs. Mellonger, calls "stupid fingers". With hands like that you'll be lucky to master a belt buckle. Now wouldn't it be nice if you had a pair of robot hands to replace them? Fry: Sure would. Oh, well. Goodbye. Bender: Fry, you smelly idiot, I think he's willing to make some kind of deal with the devil with you. Fry: He-He-He is? Great! Wait, what's the catch? Robot Devil: No catch. I'll merely pick a robot at random from somewhere in the universe, probably one you've never even met, and then I'll remove his hands and switch them for yours. It's just the sort of guy I am. What do you say? Fry: I don't know. It doesn't seem entirely moral to- Bender: Fry, if you don't take this offer right now I will lose all respect for you and punch you. Fry: Well, alright. You sure I probably won't know him? Robot Devil: Definitely probably not. Just sign this contract. Bender: Wow! Robot Devil: And here we go! Bender: I got a hundred bucks on Rectal-Exambot! Fry: Robot Devil? I get your hands? Zam! Robot Devil: Oh, what an appallingly ironic outcome. Bender: It's not ironic, it's just coincidental. Now fork over those lady-fingers, Cookie! Robot Devil: Y'know, I only put my name on there as a show of good faith for the other robots. Fry: Stop being such a baby and chop my hands off. Robot Devil: Oh, very well. Fry: How'd you do that? Robot Devil: They're very good hands. Fry: At last! At last I have the power to make Leela love me. Robot Devil: Oh, sorry. That'll wear off in a couple of days. Fry: Check it out, everyone. I'm back from hell and I've got the Robot Devil's hands. Amy: Neat! Let's see a trick. Fry: Alrighty! Scruffy: Somebody called the Robot Devil's here to see somebody called Fry. Fry: Uh-oh. Bender: Where'd I go just now? Robot Devil: Hello, Fry. Just dropped by to make sure you're as happy with our little deal as I am. Give me back my hands! These things are always touching me in places. Fry: Yeah, they get around! But I'm afraid we had a deal. Robot Devil: Looks like I wasted a bus trip. Fry: Yes, you did. Grumpy Snail: Yes. Now you can hear holophonor virtuoso Philip Fry play 900 of these classic themes in your own home on this two-record set. That's over 30 minutes of music for only $14.99. Zoidberg: Only $14.99 for a two-record set. Two records! Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer! Man: Hello? Zoidberg: Hello? I'll take eight! Scruffy: Mr. Hedonismbot to see you. Fry: Uh, show him in. Scruffy: Very good, sir. Hedonismbot: Ah, Fry. Congratulations. Your latest performance was as delectable as dipping my bottom over and over into a bath of the silkiest oils and creams. Fry: Thank you, sir. That's exactly what I was going for. Hedonismbot: You were the sole diversion in what has been a pale and unamusing season. And so I would fain commission you write an opera. Fry: But I've never written an opera. Hedonismbot: And I've never heard one. Still, if you can keep me amused through the overture I shall consider it a smashing success. Fry: But I wouldn't even know what to write about. Unless... OK, I'll do it. If I can make it about Leela. Leela: Me? Really? Hedonismbot: A man writing an opera about a woman? Oh, sirrah, how deliciously absurd! I shall see you at the premiere. Leela: Is it part of the opera? Fry: Leela! You shouldn't be listening. I don't want you to hear it till it's done. Leela: But it's so beautiful. Fry: So's a peacock but you don't eat it until it's cooked. This has to be perfect. I want you to hear exactly what I hear when I think about you. Leela: Oh, Fry. All this time you've had this incredible gift and I never knew. I've been a fool. A fully-justified, prudent fool. They're so cold. Robot Devil: And yet hell is so hot! Can I have my hands back now? Fry: No! Robot Devil: You're not nice! Robot Devil: Ah, Bender, this is a surprise! For you! Finding me in the refrigerator. Bender: True, but at least I don't have the hiccups anymore. What up? Robot Devil: Oh, well it so happens I'm in the mood to make a deal with you. Bender: Forget it! You can't tempt me. Robot Devil: Really? There's nothing you want? Bender: Hm. I forgot you could tempt me with things I want. Well, I suppose I've always wondered what it would be like to be more annoying. Robot Devil: Nothing simpler! And all I ask in return is your hands. To replace these bony hotdogs! Bender: Grabby and Squeezy? Never! I love these guys! Robot Devil: Well is there anything else you would part with? Bender: No. Nothing. Ain't gonna happen. Bender: Yes! With this built-in stadium airhorn I can really annoy people. And all it cost me was my crotch-plate. Robot Devil: You certainly are a shrewd businessman, Bender. Now find someone and give 'em a good blast! Bender: Yeah! That'll teach the first person I see a lesson. Robot Devil: Ah, my ridiculously circuitous plan is one-quarter complete! Leela: Well, Fry's opera premiere's tomorrow night. I'm off to find a pair of formal gloves that'll fit over my enormous forearms. Bender: Pretty annoying, huh, Leela? Leela: What? Are you talking? Oh, God! I'm deaf! Bender: Oops. I'm so, so sorry, Leela. I just wanted to annoy you. Leela: What? Oh, this is horrible. I won't be able to hear Fry's opera. Robot Devil: Ah, how delightfully ironic. Bender: It's not ironic, it's just mean. Take this! Robot Devil: Ooh! Out of aerosol? Also ironic! Bender: Oh, yeah? Well bite my shiny metal- Oh, nooo! Leela: Nobody tell Fry I'm deaf. If he found out I couldn't hear his opera, it'd break his heart. Bender: OK, deaf-o! Hedonismbot: Courtesans and gentle fops, I bid you welcome to my opera. Let us cavort like the Greeks of old. You know the ones I mean. Leela: Yay, Fry! Zoidberg: I watch TV with that guy! Holo-Vogel: Who is this one-eyed female baby Moses, With courage in her female baby smile? Holo-Orphans: A saviour from the stars, Or something stranger still. Holo-Leela: Or just a lonely, filthy, starving child. Leela: Amy, Fry's looking at me. What am I s'posed to be feeling? Ah! Holo-Bender: Leela! Leela, Leela save him! Save Fry, save Fry, Godzilla will devour him, As for me, I must be off, To have my doctor check this cough, Goodbye! Bender: I don't recall ever fighting Godzilla, but that is so what I would have done. Amy: One diet double Martini, please. Bartender: And for you, sir? Hermes: I'll just have a Shirley Hemple. Tinny Tim: Extra! Extra! World's greatest opera only half over. Leela: Half over? Oh, I'd give anything to hear the rest. Robot Devil: Anything? Thank you, sir. Now, as I was saying, anything? Because I can give you new robotic ears! Leela: What? You can give me new ears? Wait. What seemingly reasonable thing do you want in return? Robot Devil: Just your hands, my dear. Leela: Whatever you said, forget it! Robot Devil: Alright then, just one hand. Leela: Just ... my left hand? Um, uh- Announcer: Please take your seats for act two. Hedonismbot: But I'm not done vomiting. Leela: I can't stand it! OK. You can have my hand. Robot Devil: Wonderful! Just sign here. Calculon, old friend, I'm afraid I need your ears. Calculon: Well I do owe you for giving me this unholy acting talent. Leela: I can hear! I can hear like a safecracker! Hey, aren't you gonna take my hand? Robot Devil: In good time. You go enjoy the opera. Holo-Fry: To win Leela's heart with the holophonors art, I need hands of transcendental quickness. Holo-Robot Devil: Well I don't see any danger, In gambling with a stranger, For my head is of a most amazing thickness. Holo-Robot Devil: I'm stupid, I'm stupid, I'm stupider than you, I'm stupider than you in every way. Robot Devil: Stupider? Pah! This opera's as lousy as it is brilliant! Your lyrics lack subtlety. You can't just have your characters announce how they feel. That makes me feel angry. Fry: Look, what do you want? Robot Devil: I want my hands back. Fry: Never! (singing) A deal's a deal, Even with a dirty dealer. Robot Devil: Very well, Then I'll take what I want from Leela. Leela: Whoa! Robot Devil: Leela has promised me her hand. Leela: Fry, you do not understand. Leela: I should have revealed I've been deafened by Bender, The shame, The shame, But I feared you'd stop writing this musical splendour, Deception's the curse of my whimsical gender, He gave me mechanical ears, Effective though just a bit garish, In return without shedding a tear, I agreed that I'd give him my hand- Robot Devil: In marriage! Leela: What? Robot Devil: You'd give me your hand in marriage. Hermes: Is this really happening or just being staged? Farnsworth: It can't be real- Amy: Not if Leela is engaged. Leela: That isn't what I meant, That isn't what I signed. Robot Devil: You should have checked the wording in the fine... Print. Leela: I'll give you my hand... Leela: and In marriage. Bender: The use of words expressing something other than their literal intention, Now that is "irony". Robot Devil: I will marry her now and confine her to hell, How droll, How droll! Where Styx is a river, And not just a band, Though they'll play our reception if all goes as planned, Unless, Fry, you surrender my hands! Fry: Destiny has cheated me, By forcing me to decide upon, The woman that I idolise, Or the hands of an automaton, Without these hands I can't complete, The opera that was captivating her, But if I keep them, And she marries him, Then he probably won't want me dating her. Nixon: Arooo! Zapp: Bray-vo! Enn-core! Farnsworth: I can't believe the devil is so unforgiving. Zoidberg: I can't believe everybody's just ad-libbing! Preacherbot: By the power vested in me, By the state of New New York- Fry: No! Stop! Take my hands! (singing) You evil, metal dork! Hedonismbot: Surgery in an opera? How wonderfully decadent and just as I was beginning to lose interest. Jombey! The chocolate icing! Oh! Oh, my! Fry: My hands. My horrible human hands. And what did you do to my nails? Robot Devil: I cleaned them. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's my poker night and I feel lucky. So it's back to hell for me. Come on, Nixon! Nixon: Huh? Hedonismbot: Less reality, more fantasy. Resume the opera. Fry: But I can't play anymore. Zoidberg: Yes you can! The beauty was in your heart, not your hands. The music's bad and you should feel bad. Fry: Whoa! Hey! Tinny Tim: Extra! Extra! Greatest opera of all time sucks. Zoidberg: I'll take eight! Leela: Please don't stop playing, Fry. I wanna hear how it ends.

Hermes (Vo): Planet Express delivery company roll call! Captain Turanga Leela! Leela: Here! Hermes (Vo): Delivery boy, first class, Philip J. Fry! Fry: Here! Hermes (Vo): Assistant Manager of Sales, Bender Bending Rodriguez! Bender: Here! Cerveza, por favor. Hermes (Vo): Long-term intern, Amy Wong. Amy [While Combing Her Long Hair]: Here! Hermes (Vo): Company physician, Dr. John A. Zoidberg. Zoidberg: Huh? I thought it was mine! Hermes (Vo): Bureaucrat Grade 34, Hermes Conrad Hermes: Is who I am. And now I am proud to present the owner and founder of Planet Express, Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth! Farnsworth: You're all fired. Hermes: Sweet bongo of the Congo! Farnsworth: In fact, you were fired two years ago! That's when we were shut down by the delivery network. Farnsworth (Vo): Yes, I'm afraid the brainless drones who run the network canceled our license. Fry: We were canceled? Farnsworth: Oh, it's terrible. Just terrible. Well, clear out your desks and move along. Chop-chop. Farnsworth: Yes? I see. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who cancelled us were themselves fired for incompetence. Staff: Woohoo! Farnsworth: And not just fired, but beaten up, too. And pretty badly. Staff: Woo! Farnsworth: In fact, most of them died from their injuries. Staff: Woo? Farnsworth: And then they were ground up into a fine pink powder. Fry: Why? Farnsworth: Oh, it's got a million and one uses. Farnsworth: Ahhh, that soothes the fire. Leela: So what does this mean for us and our many fans? Farnsworth: It means we're back on the air! Farnsworth: Yes, flying on the air in our mighty spaceship! Staff: Woooohoooo! Bender: We're back, baby! All: Party! Go, go, go! Cubert: Lower, lawn mower! Hermes: What's the matter, robot? You got a rod up your spine? Bender: Yes, I do. That's how I'm built. All: Hooray. Fry: Way to bend it! Bender: You're the greatest, Bender! Hermes: In Jamaica, we got 10-story office buildings lower than that. Leela: Let's see you beat it, Rastaman. Staff: Ooooohh... Hermes: Let's make it interesting. Fetch down one of them sabres. Bender: Oh, flexible. That would go good up my spine. Hermes: Lower. Bender: The fat guy wins! Fry: Go, Hermes! Hermes: That's why they call me 11-inch Conrad. Scruffy: Oh, no. Fry: Can you save Hermes, Dr. Goodensexy? Dr. Cahill: I told you, my name is Dr. Cahill. Hermes: Figures I'd get mangled while the blonde bimbo's on duty. Dr. Cahill: I'm a doctor, sir. The mere fact that I'm blonde and have a breathy voice, full sensual lips, and a steaming hot body doesn't make me a bimbo. Zoidberg: Tell me about it. Hermes: I think we've all learned a thing or two about sexual stereotypes. While my head's slowly dying 'cause I'm not in a jar yet, you bimbo! Dr. Cahill: Oh, right. Ditzy-witzy! Lars, got another jar job! Lars: Oh, sorry, Doctor. I was disinfecting Courtney Love... Oh, hello. Leela: What are you looking at? Is it the eye? Lars: Guilty as charged. It's a nice looking eye, and there's plenty of it. Leela: Oh. Do I know you? Lars: Apparently not. Hi. I'm Lars. Leela: Oh. I'm Leela. Nice to meet you. Lars: Nice to be met. Hermes: Pick up ladies on your own time, you shiny-headed goat! Lars: Sir, you're just a little enraged 'cause you're dying. Up and away! Amy: Lars is so flirting with you. Leela: He is so not. He's just being polite. Fry: Who does he think he is, being polite to you? You want me to beat him up? Leela: No. Stop being so immature. Fry: I'll show her who's immature. Fry: "Charles de Gaulle"? Never heard of you. De Gaulle: I freed France from the Nazis and... Fry: Hey, Leela. I'm some French guy. Bender: Rock that Frenchman, baby! Labarbara: Oh, my poor little love pirate of the Caribbean! Hermes: There, there, wife. Everything will be all- Labarbara: Okay, look, Hermes, we got to think of the boy. He needs a daddy. Hermes: He has a daddy! Labarbara: No, he got two half-daddies. Will his body be all right? Dr. Cahill: Yes, but it may take a few days. Labarbara: No, not soon enough. Come, Dwight, let's find you a handsome new father. Hermes: LaBarbara, no! Bender: It's okay, Hermes. We're all here for you. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We've got a delivery to the nude beach planet. Staff: Woohoo! Bender: So long, jerk. Announcer: Futurama is brought to you by ... ... Torgo's Executive Powder. Only Torgo's packs the power of five highly paid television executives into every can for maxim odour absorption. Torgo'S Jingle Singer: When your toilet smells like faeces, from some disgusting species; make it take a powder, with Torgo's! Leela: It feels great to be back at the wheel after two long years. Fry: That's not the wheel. Leela: It's nice out. Fry: "You must be at least this naked"? How much nakeder could you be? Zoidberg: Watch and learn. Bender: You know, it's funny. Fry: What? Bender: Your weiner! Farnsworth: Well, I'm going in the water to prune up a bit before I strut. Who's with me? Amy: I'm in! Leela: I'm in. Bender: Yeah, I'll go. Fry: You guys go ahead. I gotta find the bartender and deliver this box of barstool softener. Fry: Here's your package, sir. Bartender: Why are you talking to my penis? Fry: Oh, sorry. Sign here. Bartender: Mind if I use your pen? Fry: Well, that's not a... Fry: And initial here. Fry: Thank you for using Planet Express. Leela: Hey, Fry, I didn't know you had a tattoo of Bender on your ass. Fry: Me neither. Bender: You got a tattoo of me? Neat. It's like looking in a smelly mirror. Farnsworth: So he's got a little ink. Big whoop. Bender: Sweet photons. I don't know if you're waves or particles, but you go down smooth. Nudar: Sir, would you care to sign our petition? Bender: I support and oppose many things, but not strongly enough to pick up a pen. Nudar: That's just what the guys who oppose the things you support want you to do. Bender: Really? Down with those guys! Fleb: And we'll need your e-mail address. Bender: Hmm, they say you shouldn't give out your e-mail address. Nudar: Right. That's just what those same guys say. Bender: Them again? Leela: I don't quite understand what this petition's about. Schlump: Animals? Schlump: And your e-mail address. Leela: You won't send me any spam, will you? Nudar: Oh, no, no, no, no. Asterisk. Leela'S Wrist Thingy: You've got spam. Leela: Spam, spam, junk. Amy: Spam. Spam. "Hi. How are you?" Oh, that must be from Kiffy. Amy'S Computer: Hi, how are you? Low, low prices on erectile dysfunction remedies, sleeping pills, old-person drugs, and antidepressants. Amy: Antidepressants? Well, I certainly don't want to get depressed. Amy'S Computer: Please enter credit card number. Amy: Is cash okay? Bender: Porn. Porn. Free porn. Get rich watching porn? I find that rather hard to believe. Bender: Warning, perform virus scan? I'm waiting for porn over here. Bender: Oh, yeah, come on, baby. Zoidberg: Friends, friends! His Majesty Prince Adisaraki O. Zoidberg of Nigeria died. Amy: When will those antidepressants get here? Zoidberg: Wait, there's more. Once I wire some good-faith money to an overseas bank account, I'll inherit his kingdom, his canoe, and his plump young wife. Hermes: You dumb stumps. Don't you realize you're being scammed? Zoidberg: That is low, Hermes. Just because you don't have a body, you don't want anyone else to be prince of Nigeria. Well, try and stop me from wiring that money. Farnsworth: What's going on here? According to my illegal key logging software, you've all been giving out personal information over the Internet. If Hermes were here, he'd fire you all. Hermes: I am here! Farnsworth: Quiet, you. In his absence, I'm calling a mandatory company security seminar. To the mandatorium! Farnsworth: Now, it's not hard to spot a phoney Internet come-on. "Get rich quick x7 q"? Phoney. "Lose weight with space parasites"? Phoney. What's this? I've won the Spanish National Lottery? Leela: No, it's a scam! Farnsworth: My goodness, I'm rich! And to think I didn't even know I had a ticket. I just need to wire some collateral to collect the winnings. Hermes: Professor, stop! You're giving away personal information! Farnsworth: I can afford to give away anything I want. I've won the Spanish National Lottery. Amy: No, don't! Leela: It's a scam! Hermes: Why won't anybody listen to me?!? Farnsworth: And my mother's maiden name and her bank account numbers and ... There! I'm rich. Rich. Rich! Farnsworth: That must be my $400 now. Hello. Or should I say, '"Buenos dias"? Nudar: Hi. We own your company now. Farnsworth: Hwhaa? Bender: Welcome, boss. Nudar: Guess I was wrong. There was a robot stupid enough to download the obedience virus. Bender: I sure was. Make a hole, chumps. Presenting our new masters! Bender [Carrying A Stack Of Crates Bigger Than He Is]: Where shall I put these auto-dialers, kind master? Nudar: Between the password crank and the spamjaculator. Come on! We've got a whole planet to scam. And bring me some more Gummi Fungus! Leela: We don't have to stand here and take abuse from a gross nerd. Amy: Yeah! Fry: Yeah! Leela: Hi-yah! Nudar: Now get back to work, you turkeys. Planet Express is still in business. We've got crap loads of quote-unquote merchandise to deliver. Fleb: Ship them out, Your Highness. Zoidberg: Finally, some respect. Amy: I feel a little better. Bender: Those marvellous scammers sure scammed us, huh? Leela: How can you just sit there kissing the aliens' butt flaps? Don't you realize you are totally under their control? Bender: Of course I realize it. Does that mean I can't enjoy it? Boy, were we suckers. Lars: Greetings, earthlings. Fry: Oh, hooray. It's handsome Lars and his fabulous jars. Lars: Hello, everyone who isn't Leela. And a special hello to everyone else. Hermes: Shut your lockers and get to class. How's my body doing? Lars: Oh, I'm afraid it's behind schedule. The museum got tricked into giving all its funding to something called the Scamming Sciences Institute. Bender: It's a fake place. Hermes: No! That body's the cornerstone of my marriage. What's LaBarbara going to do? Amy: Spluh! She's going to go back to her first husband. Zoidberg: Barbados Slim? I love that guy. Hermes: Everybody loves Slim. Hermes: He's the only man to ever win Olympic gold medals in both limbo and sex. Lars: Well, maybe I should get going. Fry: Yes, I'll show you out. Amy: No, Leela will show him out. Leela: No, Leela will show you out. Me. Leela. Lars: So your friend, Fry, seems nice. Are you and he dati-? Leela: Nope. Lars: Good, because I was maybe thinking of asking you out for dinner. Leela: Ohhhh. I'll start maybe thinking about saying "Sure, when?" Lars: Let me maybe give it some thought. Lars: Tomorrow at 8 00? Leela: Okay. Fry: It's not fair. I've loved Leela since the day I came to the future. Did I show you the macaroni valentine I made for her? Amy: Yes. Fry: Look at it again. I know she thinks I'm immature, but someday I won't be. And deep down in my heart, I know we'll end up together. It's all there in the macaroni. Leela: Lars asked me out! Bender: What are you doing, wonderful masters? Fleb: Sprunjing for information. Nudar: Oh! There's something here. I can sprunje it. Robot, tear it open! Bender: Goody, goody, goody, goody! Zoidberg: What's that thing on your neck? Nudar: Checking out my sprunjer, huh? Zoidberg: I guess. What does it do? Nudar: It's a special sense organ our species possesses. It engorges in the presence of... Information. Zoidberg: Lucky you. All I have is a gland that gives off foul odors when I'm bored. Bender: Hey, look, a safe! Farnsworth: That's my safe. I call keep-offsies. Nudar: No callsies! Open it! Fleb: It's a gold mine. Tax forms, Social Security cards. Combination hair, blood and stool samples! Fry: I don't get it. How can you say Lars is more mature than me? Leela: Well, for one thing, his chequebook doesn't have the Hulk on it. Nudar: Who are you? Fry: Philip J. Fry. Fleb: Social Security Number 03280810? Stool type, P-negative? Fry: That's right. Nudar: I've never detected so much information before. I think it may be a Level 87 code. Schumlp: Level 87? Can it be? I thought it was only a legend, but the sprunjer never lies. Nudar: It's in his pants! Fry: What the hell are you talking about? Nudar [Holding A Laser To Farnsworth'S Head]: Faster, faster! Farnsworth: I'm sciencing as fast as I can. Bender: What do you say, folks? Hot or not? Nudar: You, boogerbot, read the code or I'll shoot this guy. Bender: Who the hell is he? Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor. Bender: Hang on, Scruffy! Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, one, one, one, zero, one, zero, zero, zero, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, one, zero, zero, one, one. "God": Huh? Fleb: A time sphere. Nudar: Naked brothers, we have sprunjed upon the universal machine language time code. The key to time travel! Leela: What's the secret of time travel doing on Fry's ass? Fry: It was bound to be somewhere. Schlump: Beyond this shimmering portal lie all the glories of history. Nudar: And we can steal them! We just go to the past and take stuff with our superior weapons! Nibbler: Stop, you fools! Amy: What's going on? Farnsworth: What is happening? Leela: Nibbler, you... You can talk? Nibbler: I can do more than talk. I can pontificate. You must not use the code of codes. With each and every use, you risk tearing the universe asunder. Schlump: The poodle-monkey may be right. The legend warns that the code is powerful and dangerous. Nudar: My God. We'd better use it only three or four times. Six, max. Nibbler: But even a single use could shatter the universe! Nudar: Got it. Two or three times. Nibbler: I see I have no choice. Nibblonians, attack! ???: Hey! That tickles. Nudar: And the pitch! Nibblonian: Mayday, mayday! Aliens: Hey! Hey! Hey! Nibblonian: Scamper! Zoidberg: Aawww... Nibbler: Alas, our kitten-class attack ships were no match for their mighty chairs. The universe is doomed. Doomed! Fry: Can I pull up my pants now? Nibbler: Dooooooomed!

Nudar: Stand back you wing wangs. I'm gonna try out this timesphere with a quick test drive to yesterday. Farnsworth: Bushwah. You can't go mucking about in the past without creating paradoxes. Nibbler: I'm afraid he can. It's a paradox correcting time code. It all works perfectly. Except when it rips open the universe. Don't do it, I beg you ... Nudar: Yesterday please, and make it snappy. Crew: wha??? Nudar: Hello. Nudar-2: Howdy. Bender: Hey! What the ...? Zoidberg: There was one, but now there's two. Nudar: Nothing gets past you eagle eye. I went back to last night and met the me of that time for a drink. One thing led to another and we ended up at my place, or should I say our place. Leela: Blech. Nudar: Oh come on ya bunch of prudes. Farnsworth: This isn't merely revolting, it's impossible to boot. I know a paradox when I see one. Farnsworth: Whaaa? Farnsworth: Ahh, paradox resolved. Someone get a mop. Dwight: You're looking well pops. Hermes: How can you look me in the eye 'n eye and say that? I'm nothin' but a brain. A useless, filthy brain. Barbados Slim (Os): You forgot lice infested. Hermes: I didn't forget it, I just chose not to ... Barbados Slim! What are you doin' here? IS there somethin' goin' on between you two? Labarbara: Oh no no no no, we jus' ah happened to run into each other shortly after your accident. Slim: And every night since then. Labarbara: You're so crazy. Hermes: Woman! No! Ohh, who am I kiddin'? Without my body, I'm a nobody. Labarbara: I'm sorry Hermes. But look at Barbados. You can't argue with those luscious pecks. Hermes: No I can't. But I can ask him to stop wiggling them in my face. Slim: I'm not wiggling them. They do that by themselves. Nudar: I think I'll go back in time and steal the Liberty Bell before it cracked. Or is the crack the valuable part? Farnsworth: I don't know you naked crook. Fleb: We have a problem Nudar. It's a one way time code. It can take us to the past, but it can't bring us back to the present. Bender: Oh oh oh oh oh oh! Masters, if I might, let me do the stealing. I'll go to the past and snatch everything I can get my greasy mitts on. Then, as a robot, I could just wait it out for a few centuries in the limestone cavern beneath this building. Oh, it'll be ever so much fun. Nudar: Hey, that's perfect. We sit back and let dum dum here do the stealing. Bender: Dum dum away. Zero zero one one ... Leela: The Mona Lisa! Bender: Sorry, it's not quite finished. Schlump: Da Vinci give you any trouble? Bender: Let's just say he may not make it to The Last Supper. Hahahahahaha. Farnsworth: Preposterous twaddlecock. Time travel is impossible. Fry: But Professor, you time traveled yourself, remember, when we went back to Roswell? Farnsworth: That proves nothing. And furthermore, you'd think I'd remember a thing like that. Plus, who are you anyway? Bender: Man, this is fun on a bun. Here I go again. Nibbler: Oh no you don't. Bender: Scarab, four arm, bird, bird, bird! Bender: Boo! Hahahaha. Naw, it's just me, Bender. Farnsworth: I must tell you Hedonismbot, I hate to sell my doomsday devices to a private collector. But with my business stolen I have to make ends meet. You will be careful? Hedonismbot: I shan't touch them till I've had Jambi lock the absinthe and ether away. Ohhhh, what does this one do? Farnsworth: Uh, that one kills everything everywhere. Hedonismbot: How delightful. And this one? Farnsworth: Sir! The sphereoboom is not for sale. Farnsworth: It's my sentimental favorite. Hedonismbot: No need to explain. I too have known unconventional love. Perhaps you and I, and Jambi, could get together and compare notes sometime, eh? Mc: ... resulting in peace between east and west coat rappers ... Mc: Good god! Bender: I accept this Nobel peace prize not just for myself, but for crime robots everywhere. Skål! Bender: Not so neutral now, are you Sweden? Leela: Be honest with me. Does my eye look monstery? I don't want to look monstery for my date with Lars. Hermes: At least a monster has a body. What I wouldn't give for Wolfman's torso, or any of the groovy ghoulies. Leela [Looking At Lars' Business Card]: Ohh, I think I'll wear that slutty dress I've been saving for Easter. Fry [Taking The Card From Leela]: I'd like to punch Lars right in his ruggedly good looking face! Nudar: Like all rich people, we're gonna need weapons to shoot poor people. Schlump: In self defense? Nudar: Yes, that too. Bender, go steal the doomsday device chained to the professor's wrist. Bender: Never! Ha ha, I'm kidding. You guys know I have to do whatever you say. Nudar: Here, swap this for the real one. Bender: Ahhh! The old switcheroo. Nudar: Yes, but don't wake him. You'll need jeweler's tools and foot cup silencers. Bender: Hey, I don't tell you how to tell me what to do, so don't tell me how to do what you tell me to do. Bender knows when to use finesse. Bender: Here ya go. Nudar: Put it in the safe, clanky. Zoidberg [Oc]: Owww! Bender: Wheeeeeeee. Zoidberg [Voice Over]: It's the damdest thing ... Zoidberg: ... there I was in the dumpster enjoying a moldy fudgesicle when suddenly your hand flies over and slaps me in the tokhes. Farnsworth: Yes, well, these things happen. Fortunately the sphereoboom is still safe. Farnsworth: Scammed? Me!? Sweetheart?!? Ohh! Hermes: You do a nice hand job, Zoidberg. Tell me, If I could find an undamaged body, could you recapitate me? Zoidberg: Hermes, I'm a surgeon. When I see two body parts I sew them together and see what happens. Hermes: Hmmm. Hermes: All I'm askin' is for you to go back in time to when I still had my body and bring it back for me. Bender: What do I do with your old head? Hermes: I don't care in the slightest. Bender: Can do! Hermes: Come on, mon! Zoidberg: Hermes, please. You can't hurry a delicate operation like this. Hermes: Ohh! ... Ug! ... Argh! ... Ahhhhhh. What are those? Hermes: You incompetent crab! Zoidberg: I thought you were happy, your tail is wagging. Hermes: Grrrrrr... Farnsworth: I believe this paradoicality equation to be unsolvable, ergo time travel is impossible. But I can't quite prove it, Bubblegum. Perhaps you and your razzle dazzle Globetrotter calculus could ... Bubblegum: Looks pretty damn solvable to me, Farnsy. Sweet Clyde, use variation of parameter and expand the Wronskian. Farnsworth: Shizz, baby. So paradox free time travel is possible after all. Bubblegum: Right on. But dig this multiplicand here. Farnsworth: The doom field? That must be what corrects the paradoxes. Curly Joe: When that momma rises exponentially, it could rupture the very fabric of causality. Nibbler: That's what I've been trying to tell you. Farnsworth: Hermes, you got your body back. Hurrah! Hermes: Yes, but not the original. Bender went back in time and picked up a copy. Bubblegum: A copy! Funky cold medina. According to this equation, a time travel duplicate results in a complex denominator in the causality ratio. Sweet Clyde: Oh Snap! Bet you know what that means. Hermes: I can guess. Actually, I can't guess. Bubblegum: Prof, you got a doom meter in this lab. Farnsworth: Good Lord, Bubblegum. The duplicate body is emitting doom at ten times the back ground level. Bubblegum: I thought as much. A duplicate body is always doomed. It's just a matter of time. Hermes: I don't care. I just need it long enough to bird dog in an win LaBarbara back. Bubblegum: Best bird dog fast my brother. Hermes: That the way I bird dog best. Lars: Drink, quick. I can't balance it much longer. Leela: Wait .. I .. Lars: Yes! Leela: This is so much fun Lars. Most men are intimidated by the fact that I could kill them with the flick of my wrist. Lars: Well not me. 'Cause if you do, you'll be stuck with the check. Elzar: Folks, care for a little fresh ground executive? Leela: Please. Elzar: Bam! Elzar: Don't get excited kids, this thing's got heart shaped nostrils. Want to see it make a star? Leela And Lars: No! Bender: Here's your Gutenberg Bible master. Plus the Colonel's secret recipe Chicken, Grease, Salt. Fleb: Well, that does it. We've got every valuable object in history. Fry: Owww! Nudar: Hmm. Now that I'm rich I suddenly care if the universe gets destroyed. We can't use that dangerous time code again. Blank it from the robot's memory. Bender: Ahhhhh. Nudar: I'll vaporize this guy so his ass doesn't fall into the wrong hands. Fry: Why don't you just remove my tattoo? Nudar: Nice try. But you might have memorized it. Fry: No I mighn't. I can't even remember my mother's maiden name. Nudar: It's Gleisner. Fry: Stupid naked aliens. Stupid Lars. I hate the future. Fry: Hmmmm! Bubblegum: Man, that cube root was a real buzzer beater, Clyde. Fry: Zero. One. One. One. Zero. Zero. One. One! Schlump: Blast him. Bender: Ha ha! You missed! Oh great master. Fry: Hello 2000. I'm home. Voice: (OC) Happy New Year, naked weirdo! Fry: Happy new year. Nudar: Well, we'll never know where the ass guy went, and since we can't kill him, I say live and let live. Bender: Aww, that's sweet boss. Fry'll be nice and cozy back in the year 2000. Nudar: What?! How do you know he went to the year 2000? Bender: That's where he always goes. Nudar: Hmm. Better play it safe. Go there a little earlier and wait for him. You know what to do. Bender: You want me to concludify him, like some sort of dispatcherator? Nudar: Yes. And don't forget to terminate him. Bender: Got it. Preparing to terminate Philip Fry! Schlump: What's with the doofy sun glasses? Bender: It's really bright in the past. Bender: Ok, Fry. Come ta poppa. ... Man I'm bored. Ohhh! Bender: Hey, there you are! ... Oh, wait, that's Fry before he goes to the future. I'm waiting for the one who comes back from the future. Geesh this is confusing, and I bet it's gonna get a lot more confusing. Offf. That cheap beer really goes right through you. For the first time ever, I gotta use the bathroom, but if I leave, I might miss Fry. Ohhhh unless ... Bender-2: ... and I bet it's gonna get a lot more confusing. Huh! Ah! Wha? Bender: Hi, I'm you from 19 seconds in the future. Stay here and wait for Fry while I go to the bathroom. Bender-2: Ok Boss. After I kill Fry you're next. Bender: What? Bender-2: Nothing. Bender-2: What the? Who are you? Bender-3: I'm Bender from way at the end. I came back to put this rub-on time code on Fry's ass. Bender-2: So what are you now, a butler? Spot of tea please, jerkwad! Bender-3: It's called class, you yokel. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a buttocks to tattoo. Fry: Hello 2000. I'm home. Voice: (OC) Happy New Year, naked weirdo! Fry: Happy new year. Bender-2: Hasta la vista, meatbag! Fry: Bender? What are you doing? It's me, your best friend. Bender-2: Must obey orders. Ohhhhh. Mustn't kill friend!! Ohhhhhh!!! Badly want to urinate!!!!! Fry: What's happening? Are you urinating? Bender-2: Entering auto destruct sequence. Awww crap, I hate auto destruct sequence! Explosion in seven, six, ... Fry: It'll be a cold day in hell my friend. Bender-2: five .. Hey, I'm supposed to be the one saying cool things! Bender: Hey ... so the game of cat and mouse begins, huh? Let us match wits. ... Ohhhh, how am I supposed to find him? All those times he blabbed on and on about his life in the twentieth century. If only I'd paid the slightest bit of attention. Oh well, guess I'd better go kill myself. Cryogenicist (From Jurassic Bark): Hello, bartender? I have thought it over, and far from being a fat pig, you are very nice and I would like another drink ... Bender: Take a barf buddy. Ok suicide booth, give me your best shot. Electrocution please, side order of poison. Helloooo? Kill me you stupid machine. ... What the ... local calls fifty cents? It's a street corner telephone parlor! Oh what kind of horrible suicide free time is this? Wait a minute, maybe this handy encyclopedia of humans will help me track Fry down. Bender: One of these Frys must be Fry. Look out Philip Fry, 'cause I got a little present for you. Fat Man: My name is Phillip Fry. Where's my present. Bender: Hang on a second Fry. I don't remember you being that ugly. Fat Man: Oh no, I've always been this ugly. Bender: Huh. Let me see your ass. No tattoo. Okay, you can go. Fat Man: Farewell sir. Bender: Say your prayers, Fry. Michelle: This isn't Fry. I kicked Fry out two hours ago. This is my new boyfriend ... uhhh ... Constantine: Constantine. Michelle: Really? That's a dumb name. Ewwww. Bender: Hmmm, could be a trick. Let me see your ass, Constantine. Ohh, nice, now I see why she left Fry. Bender: Okay, you're still clean. I mean metaphorically. Bender: He must have left the city. Man, this could take all day. Phil: The returns are looking good, Mr. Gore. Al Gore: Thanks, Phil. Here's to four years of clean air, clean government, and amazing new technologies such as ... Al Gore: ... ROBOT! Bender: Philip Fry? Transition Announcer: Twelve years passed. Then ... Transition Announcer: ... this. Bender: Philip J. Fry? Yancy Fry, Jr.: Phil, some kind of trash can here to see you. He's coming. Philip J. Fry Ii: Are you made of Tinkertoy? Bender: Hmmm. It's been twelve years. Maybe I'm getting taller. Philip J. Fry Ii: You're not getting smarter. Bender: Listen, pipsqueak, are you Philip J. Fry or not? 'Cause if you are, I'm here to kill you. Philip J. Fry Ii: I'd like to see you try. Philip J. Fry Ii: You want Uncle Phil. He went to the North Pole on a fishing boat. Bender: Ahhhh! The North Pole? I was just there. Bender: One ticket to the North Pole, please, broom closet class. Fry? If only I could be sure. It is him, I'd recognize me, and hence him, anywhere. Bender: Follow that guy. There's an extra hundred in it for you if you follow him so close that you run him over. Al Gore: (cab driver) Yes sir. Al Gore: Dang. That hundred dollars could have bought me one gallon of gas. Bender: Ohhh! I lost him. People will call me a failure. Others however will call me the world's sexiest killing machine who's fun at parties. Fry, old buddy, it's me, Bender. Bender: Wooo! I totally killed him. Oh god, what have I done?

Bender: Preparing to terminate Philip Fry. Schlump: What's with the doofy sun glasses? Bender: It's really bright in the past. Bender: Mission accomplished. Schlump: Fry is dead? Bender: No other robot could have done it. It took twelve years of tireless stalking but I hunted down and killed my best friend. I'm the greatest. Head Cleaner: Time code and obedience virus erased. Bender: Huh? Head Cleaner: Also, fifty terabytes of porn. Bender: Hey! Nudar: You've got no porn, no code, and you're ugly! Let's dance! Leela: Now it's true we'll all miss Fry. Zoidberg: He was the only one of you who never struck me. Leela: And we'll never see if boyish smile and hair horn again. But I bet he went back to his own time. I'm sure he was very happy and lived to a ripe old age. Bender: He wasn't and he didn't! Bender: Struggling alone again incredible odds, I, Bender, managed to kill him. I blew him to mush like a midget in a microwave. Amy: Awww, don't blame yourself, Bender. Bender: I don't blame myself, I blame all of you. Amy: Us?! How can you possibly blame us? Bender: It ain't easy. It just proves how great I am. Ohhh, Fry, I'd give anything to unmurder you! Fry: Did someone call me? Bender: No. Fry? But ... I killed you in 2012. Unless ... Fry: Ooph! Bender: Nope, he's not a zombie. Lars: Welcome back Fry. Fry: Thank you, Lars. Lars: I .. ah ... I .. I'll see you later, honey. Farnsworth: So tell us Fry. If Bender killed you centuries ago, how in Satan's glorious name did you return? Fry: Ohh, it's an astonishing tale of incredibleness. It all began when I went back in time. Farnsworth: Duhhh. Fry: Hey, Mr. Panucci, I'm back from that delivery to the cryogenic lab. Panucci: Great. I'll put you on the cover of Big Whoop magazine! Fry: Mmmm, I'm starving. Can I have a slice? Panucci: Help yourself. Cash up front. H.G. Blob (On Bill): This note is legal tender. Fry: (VO) Unfortunately, I had no money from that era. But that's when it hit me - I knew where to find free pizza. Fry: Ohh, ice cold. Fry: (VO) That's when it hit me again ... Fry: But an hour ago this pizza's still luke warm. Zero zero one one zero ... Bender-2: (OC) Explosion in seven, six ... Fry-2: It'll be a cold day in hell my friend. Bender-2: five .. Hey, I'm supposed to be the one saying cool things! Fry: Nice kick, me. Fry-2: Thanks. What are you doing here? Fry: One hour from now, I travel back in time for free pizza. Fry-2: But Nibbler said not to use the time code. Fry: Fine, Mr. Responsible, don't use the code. Mmmmm. That pizza sure was good. Fry-2: You pig. Fry: Whatever. Fry: (VO) That's when it hit me yet a third time ... Fry: You idiot, frozen me's still got a wallet full of old timey money. Fry: Yuck, I touched my own butt. Fry: So I unfroze ten minutes ago and I walked over here and then it was now and then I don't know what happened. Bender: Well, I'm glad you're alive, but I don't want people to say I'm incompetent so I better kill you again. Hold still. Farnsworth: Bender! Stop killing for a minute. The Fry you murdered was doomed anyway. See? Bender: What'd ya got there? Numbers? Farnsworth: When the time code duplicates a living thing, the copy is always doomed. And that includes flabby Jamaican potbellies. Hermes: Kiss my front butt. Fry: So my copy lives twelve years before Bender murdered him? Bender: Brutally murdered. Fry: I wonder what his life was like? Scruffy: I guess we'll never know. Zoidberg: Or will we? Scruffy: Nope. Transition Announcer: They won't know, but you will. Lucky you. Fry-2: Oh hey Mr. Panucci, I'm back from the delivery to the cryogenic lab. Panucci: I know. I read about it in Big Whoop magazine. Fry-2: So ... uh ... my girlfriend kicked me out. Can I rent the upstairs storage room? Panucci: The upstairs storage? I like you kid. Your lousy life makes me feel good about myself. The room's yours. Here, take some rat spray for the meat ball hamper. Hermes: Happy day, mon! It's good to have you back. Nibbler: Indeed, but the scammers will soon sprunje the code again. We must remove the time tattoo at once, and as painlessly as possible. Lars: Hurry, they're coming. Nibbler: There, the code is gone. I saved the space-time continuum and forty percent of your rectum. Bubblegum: That's all you need. Nudar: I sprunje code. Nibbler: Too late, Nudar. I've wiped Fry's butt clean. Nudar: We'll see about that. Fleb: Nothing boss. We sprunjed his ass inside and out. Schlump: The only information we found was a hair shaped like the number six. Nudar: Give me that. mmm. Nine. Alright, let him go, I guess the time code really is gone. Fry: Thank god. The present may stink, but at least now we can look forward to a better yesterday. Fry-2: I'm sorry Leela, I can't keep living in the past, by which I mean the future. I'll always love you, but I've got to move on and find my life's purpose. Tv Anchorman: ... and that how Bundles the monkey finally found a friend. Fry-2: I miss Morbo. Tv Anchorman: And finally tonight on the late, cute animal news, a story that will really tug your heartstrings, way more than bundles, the doll-raping monkey. It's the tale of lonely Leelu, the little orphan narwhal. Fry-2: Awww. Dr. Schlovinowitz: (on TV) Leelu is a rare, toothed female narwhal who got disoriented and washed up in Atlantic City, as we all do from time to time. But without a mother, she's lost the will to eat. Come on, take a sip. Fry-2: I know how to make things eat. Maybe this is my purpose in life. Fry: Hi, I'd like to apply for a job working with Leelu. Dr. Schlovinowitz: Question number one, do you have any experience working with marine mammals? Fry-2: No, but I think they're pretty neat. Dr. Schlovinowitz: That answers question number two. Question number three, do you know where the door is or would you prefer to be kicked out? Fry-2: I don't know. I guess kicked out. Fry-2: Hiya girl. My name's Fry, and I think you're a cutie 'cause I like things that have only one thing instead of two things. Dr. Schlovinowitz: Holy mackerel, she's eating whole mackerel. I don't know what your secret is but if you'll work for minimum wage you can start tomorrow. Fry-2: If I work of less than minimum, can I start today? Dr. Schlovinowitz: I don't see why not. Morbo: (on TV) In business news, the weak and gullible inhabitants of Earth were plunged into economic depression today as the scammer aliens finished stealing every item of value, including ownership of this station. Linda: (on TV) Nudar: Tough times earth chumps. We're repossessing your TV. Seems you can't afford it now that you're unemployed. Zoidberg: We're not unemplo - Lars: I love the hard museum at night. It's where I come to be alone. Heads: Hi Lars. De Gaulle: Ah, Lars and la belle Leela. I trust you brought some haute cuisine for an old Frenchman. Lars: You're favorite General, Torgo's Executive Powder. De Gaulle: Mmmm. Magnifique. Lars: Come on Leela, let me show you the hall of screaming skulls. Leela: It's so romantic. Lars: What's wrong? Is the screaming depressing you? Leela: It's just ... my life is changing so fast. I don't know who I am anymore. Lars: I know who you are. You're the woman I've been waiting for all my life. Leela: Let's go to my place. Lars: I ... like what you've done with it. Leela: "All tenants evicted, signed new owners"? Nudar: That would be us, dump cakes. We're buying the whole city and turning it into a private panda hunting reserve. Na-na-na!! Leela: There aren't any Pandas in New New York. Schlump: Back it up, Sal! Amy: Look at us, living like trash eating bums in an alley now. Zoidberg: Yes. Now. Tinny Tim: And on Xmas eve, the most wonderful night of the ooofff. Bender: Oops. Farnsworth: Well, at least we have each other, so it truly is the worst Xmas ever. Hermes: Santa! "'Santa: Ah, the Planet Express crew. According to my list you've all been very naughty. I'll be back for you after I collect my milk and cookies from starving orphans. Fry: That's it. I don't see how things could get any worse. Bender: We could sing. Farnsworth: I'd rather kill myself. Amy: Why not do both? Farnsworth: Oh, very well. Farnsworth: I may as well jump. Those sleazy naked scammers make me look like a chump. Nudar: Neh! Farnsworth: They robbed me of my dignity And most of my stuff. Leela: Lars brought me candy. Fry, Amy, Zoidberg, Bender, Tinny Tim, And Nibbler: Cram it down and shut the hell up! Hermes: I can't compete with that. Hermes: He's Barbados Slim And I'm Jamaican fat. Who would choose a backwards corpse With lice in his hair? Leela: Lars says I'm dreamy. Fry, Zoidberg, Amy, Tinny Tim, Bender, Farnsworth: Who the hell cares? Bender: Oh, won't somebody shoot her please And put her out of our misery? Santa: That's my cue. Tinny Tim: Oh my word! Fry: Lars makes me puke. I bet she'd love me too If I was a blad headed kook. Leela: Hey, guess what guys! Zoidberg: What? Leela: While we were huddled in fear, Lars popped the question! Fanrsworth: Congratulations! Zoidberg: Mazel tov! Amy: May stars in heaven bless your love! Bender: I think I'm gonna cry 'Cause it's an extra happy Xmas this year! Fry: Now could things get any worse. Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho. Lars: Stop screaming. That's just what the bomb wants us to do. Zoidberg: I say do what it tells us. Lars: Don't worry, a bomb in a case is just like a head in a jar. Leela: Oh Lars! No blowing us up make me love you even more. Fry: Life saving goody goody ... Farnsworth: Well now that death has been staved off momentarily, let me be the first to say congratulations Leela and Lars. Amy: Maid of honor! Zoidberg: Maid of honor! Ohhh. Fry: I could make you happy too, if only you'd give me a chance. Dr. Schlovinowitz: You've done a wonderful job, Fry. When you first started, I thought she'd be dead within a narweek, which is six days I believe. Fry-2: Nah. Leelu's a champ. She just needed someone to show her how to eat. Dr. Schlovinowitz: Now that the kind of whale behavioral science they don't teach you in whale behavioral science class. Fry: So what's up, Dr. Schlovinowitz? Dr. Schlovinowitz: This is a little hard for me to say Fry. You see, it's ... it's time we released Leelu back into the wild. Dr. Schlovinowitz: I'm sorry. The decision is final. Plus we need the tank for the Loch Ness monster. Fry-2: But that turned out to be a log with a Halloween mask stapled to it. Dr. Schlovinowitz: Yes, well, it still draws a crowd. Fry-2: I can't let this happen, she'll never be happy without me. Elzar: I know you're broke and homeless but you still want a swank wedding reception so I whipped you up some real nice budge appetizers. Lars: Mmmm. I can keep these down. Elzar: Okay! That's a big "yes" on the crud puffs. Try the shlimp cocktail. Fry: There must be some way I can stop this wedding. What if I steal the wedding ring? Bender: Already taken care of. Fry: You think that'll be enough to stop the ceremony. Bender: Nope. I pulled the old switcheroo, so they won't even know the difference. Wait a minute, I think the copy I made cost more than this. Fry: Cheap lousy Lars. Bender: Actually this is extremely nice, but I really went all out on the copy. It was sorta my gift to them. Fry: I can't let this happen. She'll never be happy without me. Fry-2: It's not fair, we need each other. Panucci: Fry, you dumb sack, I don't care about your problems at all! Fry-2: You need your blanket Mr. Panucci. Panucci: I don't even want to be here. I only came 'cause you wheeled me. But if that narwal means so much to you, you gotta do something. Fry-2: I know. But I can't just go chasing after her. That'd be nuts. Panucci: Ah, Sometimes you gotta be a little nuts. Let me introduce you to my cousin. He owns a small freighter. That's him, right behind us. Fry-2: Maybe you're right. Sir, I'd like to engage your ship for a trans-Arctic voyage to capture a Narwhal and bring it back to my room. Panucci: The mans is nuts, Leroy. Leroy: Professional whale keeper, eh? I've carried your type before and we don't get along. Oh, I agree with your values and your goals and your methods, but somehow we just never click on a personal level. Fry-2: I'm not a professional anymore. Just a narwal loving private citizen. Leroy: Then I'm you man. We'll take on three barrels of fresh sausage and sail at dawn. Terry: Welcome to the wedding. Fry: It's a fool proof plan. They can't sign the wedding license if I give them a pen with no ink. Bender: Yeah, once they try to sign that license, all hell will break look. Oy vey. Labarbara: Go on now, mon, don' cha' know nothin' about zippin' up a woman's frock? Slim: It's more my thing to zip 'em down. Hermes: Get your clumsy, muscular hands off my woman, Barbados. Labarbara: Hermes! Your body! Slim: I always said you were a little backward. Hermes: Well, I always said you were a little forward ... with my wife. Bystanders: ohhh! Hermes: Consider yourself bird dogged. Labarbara: That's my man. Take a boat, Barbados. Bubblegum: Brother, you gots to tell that sweet thing your time duplicate body is doomed. Hermes: Tomorrow morning. After the "festivities". Bubblegum: Yow, baby! Munda: Our little girl is finally getting married. And to a normal two eyed human. Morris: Eh, he's not good enough for her. Leela deserves a guy with a dozen eyes. Munda: Quit trying to fix her up with Fly Mutant. Father Changstein-El-Gamahl: Dearly liked, we are gathered here before one or more gods, or fewer, to joining this couple in pretty good matrimony. If anyone objects to this union, let them speak now or forever hold their piece, or do something else. Leroy: It's been two years, Fry. We've caught a hundred and eight narwhals and set them all free again. Fry-2: None of them were Leelu. Inuit #1: But all of them were edible. Inuit #2: Can we at least eat that one? I'm sick of sausage. Fry-2: I'd know that modified extended tooth anywhere. To the boats! Fry-2: Leelu! Leelu! It's me, Fry. Fry-2: Oh, I've missed you too, Leelu. But we'll never be apart again because we care too much for each other. Fire! Father Changstein-El-Gamahl: Now, if the couple will sign the wedding license. Farnsworth: I warned him. I warned him a time paradox duplicate is always doomed. Lars: What? Labarbara: Oh, no, my man! He's essentially dead again. Dr. Cahill: Relax ma'am. Your husband's original body will be repaired within one week. Labarbara: Nah uh uh. Not soon enough. Boy needs a daddy. Slim: Cruel runnings, mon. Dr. Cahill: Woopsy-doopsy, poopsy. Hermes: Well, let's get on with it. Don't let my doomed body and my doomed marriage stand in the way of your happiness. Lars: No, it's not right. We don't want our happy day tainted by misfortune and tragedy, do we? Leela: I'm OK with it. Lars: No, it's not right. The wedding is off. Bender: Oh my goodness! Fry: Finally, a happy ending.

Tv Announcer: And now it's time for Everybody Loves Hypnotoad. Zoidberg: Even in a depression, the entertainment industry thrives. Fry: Are you okay, Leela? Leela: Yeah, I'm just a little down 'cause the only man I'll ever love left me at the altar. Plus I live in a dumpster. Zoidberg: You stay out of my dumpster! Announcer: We interrupt this episode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad to bring you a special address from Earth President Nixon. Announcer: Please, Hypnotoad, it's beyond my control. No! Don't make me kill myseIf! Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, I'm about to close a deal that will allow us to buy Earth back from the scammers. Bender: That'll teach those scammers and me. Nixon: Just when things looked darkest, I received an e-mail from the Andrrrrrrromeda Galaxy. lt seems we've won their quadrillion-dollar family sweepstakes! Leela: Oh, Lord. Nixon: So assuming all goes ... What's that, Agnew? A telegram? Baroo! There ... seems to have been some ... We've been scammed again, people. Prepare to evacuate Earth. I mean, New Scamadonia. Nudar, Fleb And Schlump: Na-na-na-na, Na-na-na-na, Hey, hey, hey, We took your stuff!, etc. Leela: All aboard for Neptune! Farnsworth: Oh, I don't want to go to Neptune. Nudar: Thanks for the planet, suckers. Bender: It's so cold, my processor is running at peak efficiency. Leela: What are you, a whining machine? lf you want to worry about something, worry about the Yetis. Zoidberg: Yetis? Oh, Yetis. Leela: Don't mess with me, you ice-crapping snow-honkies. I just got dumped. Hermes: Sweet Yeti of the Serengeti, she's gone crazy eddie in the head-y. Inuit #2: Is that normal? Inuit #1: No. Perhaps if we were to cook and eat her slightly... Fry-2: Leave her alone. She just needs me to cheer her up. Wanna sword fight, girl? Fry-2: That male narwhal seems to be upsetting her. Get us out of here, Captain. Full fast ahead. Leroy: Damn whale keepers. Leela: Santa! We forgot he's based on Neptune. Santa: Ho. Ho. Ho... Fry: What happened, Santa? Santa: Can you imagine the harm they could do with that information? I wanted to do that harm! Leela: That's it. They've gone too far. It's time to fight back. Santa: Now, let's not resort to violence, Leela. Leela: We're fighting back and you're helping us, you fat holiday idiot. Santa: That hurt. You're on the naughty list! Leela: So that's our proposal napkin, Mr. President. We have just enough people and ships to mount a ragtag attack. Nixon: You wish, missy. Dog-danged scammers used our money to build a fleet of remote-controlled, solid-gold Death Stars. Bender: Ooh! I'd take one of those with a side of chili fries. Nixon: We're hopelessly outgunned. The Force is with us, but that's about it. Santa: Ah, but we have access to a huge manufacturing complex. Santa: I brought the elves back from vacation, Chained them up, and called my holiday friends ... Kwanzabot: Kwanzabot Chanukah Zombie: And the Chanukah zombie. Santa: Three mad, wise men Baring murder and frankincense. Neptunians: Damn you! Doo, doo, doodoo! Santa: Shut up! Now fetch those bunnies by the armful. Neptunians: Says who? Doo, doo, doodoo! Santa: Says me! Napalm makes them slightly more harmful. No one here goes near that door, This toyshop's going to war! Chanukah Zombie: Talmud says "Be slow to anger", Low-down scammers got me seeing red. Got my TIE fighter out of the hangar, Jump back, Jack 'cause I'm Jewish and I'm undead. Neptunians: Ten hut! Doo, doo, doodoo! Chanukah Zombie: Dreidl, dreidl I made it out of blasting clay Neptunians: You're nuts. Doo, doo, doodoo! 'Chanukah Zombie: And when it's dry and ready, For mercy they will pay. I can't wait eight nights or more, This zombie's going to war! Kwanzabot: Check, check it out, Kwanzabot, In the NeptizzIe-hizzIe. With my inhuman beatbox Busy building missiles. They're guided by these cute Dancing fairy figures, Careful, little elf, That's proximity-triggered. I'm fighting back for Kwanza So the children won't miss it. I'm confused about its meaning But I know it when they diss it. So, Santa? Santa: Yeah, K? Kwanzabot: CZ? 'Chanukah Zombie: Hey, hey. Kwanzabot: Let's slay them pimps! C'mon, pimp my sleigh! Chanukah Zombie: Easy with that toy artillery. Torgo's powder's deadly but unstable. Santa: Can they sue for liability? Nixon: Certainly not! Santa: Use as much as you are able. Neptunians: This bites. Doo, doo, doodoo! Santa: You signed away your rights When you were hired. Leela: Now, let's fight. Nixon: Let's fight. Neptunians: Doo, doo, doodoo! Santa: Okay! Chestnuts roasting, I'm gonna open fire. Prepare for gore galore! Santa, Chanukah Zombie And Kwanzabot: This trinity's going to war! Leela: Troops, you are now equipped with the finest weapons magical elves can build. As for the battle plan... Nixon: And now, to present the battle plan, Commander Zapp Brannigan! Leela: What? Zapp: At ease, people. I was redecorating my undisclosed location when I received word of an heroic invasion. Kif, crouch down and shield my thighs from the cold, for God's sake. Zapp: We fight this battle, not for ourselves, but for our children and our children's children. Which is why I'm forming a children's brigade. Will the following youths please step forward? Cubert Farnsworth. Cubert: Here, sir! Farnsworth: My boy. Oh, God, no! Zapp: Dwight Slim. Dwight: Here. Hermes: You took his name? Oh, God, no! In several ways! Zapp: Assuming the 15th pile of children buys us a few seconds, we will then execute maneuver 45. Followed by maneuver 44. Kif: Forty-six. Zapp: Oh, great. Now I have to start back at the beginning with maneuver two. Kif: One. Lars: Admiral, will we stop attacking at any point or is this one of those phony-baloney, feel-good wars like the war on drugs? Zapp: What's your name, smart mouth? Lars: Lars Fillmore. Zapp: Ah, the lovely Leela's on-again, off-again paramour. Perhaps a suicide mission would knockthe insubordination out of you. Leela: Yes, yes, yes. Kif: We're approaching Earth, sir. Zapp: Who? Oh, planet Earth. The big blue velour marble. All commanders stand by. Prepare to transfer battle control to the main duper-computer on my mark! Ten, nine, eigh- Leela: Does anybody mind if I take command? Nibbler: No. Sal: Nos. Bubblegum: Nah. Al Gore: Nope. Cubert: No, Miss Turanga. Donbot: No, I do not. Santa: No. Kwanzabot: It's cool. Chanukah Zombie: Argh! Leela: All right. Unit one, acquire target A and fire! Fleb: Yes! Nailed the children's ship. Farnsworth: Bingo! Hattie: Cheating son of a... Al Gore: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Leela: It's hopeless! I can't coordinate this many ships! Hermes: Perhaps I can help! Professor, can you wire my head directly into the battle grid? Farnsworth: I can wire anything directly into anything. I'm the professor! Hermes: Then prepare to see a bureaucrat's brain in action. Al Gore: Finally, I get to save the Earth with deadly lasers instead of deadly slide shows. Clamps: He's champing for a clamping! Kwanzabot: Kwa-zang! Hermes: I did it! I saved Earth and won back my woman. Right, woman? Labarbara: Oh, Hermes, I've been such a fool. Slim: You haven't seen the last of Barbados Slim! Now, goodbye forever. Nudar: Remember this, Farnsworth? Farnsworth: Farnsworth? That's me! My doomsday device! So it was the scammers! They sawed off my hand and stole the doomsday device. Bender: lt wasn't them. lt was me, Bender. The master criminal! Nudar: So what'll it be? - Unconditional surrender? Leela: Never! Nudar: Or totaI destruction? Leela: Also never! Nudar: You have 30 seconds. Make up your minds! Leela: Nevvveeeeer! Bender: People, I'm sorry. You've never before heard me say those words, or even the individual letters that make them up. But I am. And with a huge amount of modesty, I humbly beg your forgiveness. Nudar: Uh-oh. I have a worrisome shriveling sensation in my sprunjer. Amy: Yay! Bender! Fry: All right! Fry: Bender, how the Hulk did you end up with the doomsday device? Bender: I was working the long con all along. While sawing off the professor's hand with an extremely dull saw, I had some time to think. So I asked myself, "Who could use a doomsday device more? The scammers or me, Bender?". After several minutes of sawing, I knew the answer. Me, Bender. So I retrieved the dummy satchel ... Bender: (VO) ... and as soon as I was out of the scammers' control, I pulled the old switcheroo. Bender: And that's how I saved Earth and am the greatest! Nixon: Bender the robot, I'm proud to present you Earth's highest award for swindling. The Dirty Double-Cross. Bender: I'll aways treasure it and immediately hock it. Lars: There, your body's good as new. Just pop in an executive suppository every few... Fry: What is it? Leela: Nothing. Fry: It's supposed to be a celebration, Leela. I mean, come on. Whimmy-wham-wham-whazle! Leela: I can't help it. I was gonna be married. I was so happy. Fry: Well, maybe you'll meet someone else someday. Leela: No, you don't understand. Lars is the only man I'll ever love. I know it in my heart. Fry: You remember when we first met? Leela: Uh-huh. lt was right there in the cryogenic lab, eight years ago today. Fry: Meet me there in five minutes. It's important. Fry-2: Why are you so sad, Leelu? Fry-2: Him again? Wait a second, are you two... Fry-2: Atanarjuat, Fufu, come here! We have to set Leelu free. Inuit #2: Dang. I never should have quit my job at the casino. Fry-2: Me, neither. But she needs what'll make her happy, not what'll make me happy. Fry-2: Goodbye, Leelu. Lars: I don't much know about frozen heads, but, of course, if it's Mahatma Gandhi, I'll... Leela? Leela: Lars? Lars: I... I really have to go, I... Leela: Fry, was this an idiotic trick to get Lars and me back together? Fry: Quite idiotic. But you don't need to be an idiot to see that you two belong together. And, Leela,I want what'll make you happy, not what'll make me happy. Lars: I'm sorry, I really am, but Leela and I just can't be married. Fry: Why not? You obviously love each other. What are you, cousins? Lars: Fry, you deserve to know the truth. It's because... Nudar: Nobody move! Leela: Nudar! How did you survive the doom blast? Nudar: My doom-proof platinum vest absorbed most of the radiation. In retrospect, I wish I'd been wearing doom-proof pants, but you know us nudists. Now give me the time code! Fry: I don't have it! Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt. Nudar: Not you. Nudar: You! Leela: Lars? He doesn't have it. He never had it. Fry had it! Fry: But Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt! I want to stress that part! Nudar: My throbbing sprunjer says otherwise. Now where is it? Lars: I'm not afraid of you or your expensive gun! Go ahead and shoot! Nudar: Oh, yeah? Then what if I kill the woman you love? Leela: Don't you understand, numb-neck? He doesn't love me! Lars: I've... always loved you. Don't hurt her. I'll give you the code. Nudar: What the... Bender-2: Four, three, two, one, Boom! Woah! Leela: Lars, no! Fry-2: It's enough just to know you're happy. Fry-2: You, too. It's enough to know you're happy with Lars. Bender: Fry, old buddy! It's me! Bender! Fry-2: My hair! Fry-2: My larynx! Lars: I'm Lars? I'm Lars! Fry: Wait for me, Leela! I'll be there in a thousand years. Lars: So I got a job at the Head Museum and waited for the wonderful day when Leela would arrive. Everything was perfect until Hermes exploded at our wedding. That's when I learned that, as a time paradox duplicate, I, too, was doomed. I couldn't put Leela through that. So I called it off. I'm sorry, Leela. Leela: I understand. Crazy Guy: That concludes another Silly Willy Wideo Will! Fry: He was a good man, Leela. Leela: Yeah... you were. Farnsworth: Well, I guess that wraps everything up in a nice, paradox-free bow. Bubblegum: Not quite, my wrinkly brother. Nibbler: Right on! In order for any of this to make any sense at all, someone must make one final trip back in time to put the code on Fry's ass in the first place! Bender: Sounds like a job for me, Bender. Bender: Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero... Bender: Mission accomplished! Fry: You put the time code on my ass? Bender: Someone's ass. Oh, and guess what? I met all these really cool guys with treasure down in the limestone cavern, so I invited them to stick around instead of coming up when they were logically supposed to. Nibbler: No! No! Everyone out of the universe! Quick! Bender: What's the worst that can happen? Bender: Well, we're boned.

Narrator: Previously on Futurama. Morbo: It has now been one month since space ripped open like flimsy human skin. Terrified earthlings are beginning to grow exhausted. Hermes: Professor, sprinkle us with wisdom from your mighty brain. How scared should we be? Professor: Somewhere between not at all and entirely. Zoidberg: I call entirely. Morbo: Scientists believe the rip is a gateway to another universe, but do not know what mysteries lie beyond. However, in this reporter's opinion gruesome death awaits us all! Linda: And now with sports, here's Sportsbot 5000. Sportsbot 5000: All sports cancelled. Professor: To better understand the anomaly, I will now focus its radiation on a giant medium-sized ant to see what happens. Giant Medium-Sized Ant: What's going on here? I was told there would be sugar syrup. Professor: Quiet, you. Fry: Oh, hey, everyone, this is Colleen. All: Hello! Amy: I like your shoes. Bender (Laughing): This is awkward. Introducing your new girlfriend to Chesty McNag-nag. Leela: Oh, don't mind him. I'II turn him off. Bender: Hey, you can't (voice slowing)turn me off... Leela: Hi. I'm Leela. Colleen: Hi, Leela, hi, everyone. Sorry I've been taking up so much of Fry's time. He's just so interesting. Have you seen how much cotton candy he can eat? Professor: Oh, my, yes. 5.1 pounds. That's why his blood is so good on pancakes. Fry: Well, got to skedoodle-oodle. We're taking a cuddle-cab to Hug-a-Bunny Village. Zoidberg: This lovey-dovey stuff is making me vomit from my saltwater and freshwater stomachs. Leela: It is pretty sickening. Zoidberg: No, the double-vomit is a sign of joy. Fry told me how he and Colleen first met. Zoidberg: So, how did you and Colleen first meet? Fry: Well... Fry: Something about seeing it on the Jumbotron makes it so much more real. Colleen: It's so scary. What are you supposed to do when the whole universe is coming to an end? Fry: I have a thought. Bender: This is gonna be juicy. What? Oh, man! Amy: Speaking of sappy love... Want to tell them, Kiffy? Kif: Yes, Amy and I have a big announcement. I... That is, we... Oh, I'm just so excited. Amy: Kif has asked me to be his Fonfon Ru. Zoidberg: Mazel tov! Professor: Wonderful! Hermes: What the hell does that mean? Kif: It means I've asked Amy to join my family. And you're all invited to my family swamp for our Fonfon Rubok ceremony. Amy: If I had ever heard of it, it would have been what I had always dreamed of. Kif: Oh! And our parents will be meeting for the first time ever. Bender: That's even more awkward than Fry's two bimbos meeting each other. Count me in. Kif: Mr. And Mrs. Wong, aren't you excited that we're all about to be joined in a single family? Mr. Wong: You can't borrow money. Mrs. Wong: Kif's parents come late and we have to stand around in swamp getting eaten alive by damn bugs? [She squashes a bug on her neck Kif: Mrs. Wong, no. The finial stage of my species' life cycle is a colony of flying hookworms. You just squashed part of my father. Mr. Kroker: Welcome. Mrs. Wong: Sorry. I guess you got plenty of bugs to spare though, huh? Mr. Kroker: That was my left testicle. Bender: And the awkward meter goes up another notch. Ding, ding, ding, ding ding... Fry: Wow, Colleen, you look so beautiful in the light of the swamp gas. Colleen: Thanks. This is really fun. I love going to exotic worlds and getting hammered. Fry: Me, too. Bartender: Two more Harvey Wallclimbers. Zapp: Leela, I can't help but notice you're unescorted. Might I escort you behind that bush for the next five minutes? Leela: Nothing would revolt me more. Zapp: Then how about that shrub? Kif: Ooh! Rubok is begun. Grand Midwife: I am the Grand Priestess. Fry: Aren't you also the Grand Midwife? Grand Midwife: And the grand Lunch Lady. I work five jobs, all grand. Kif of the clan Kroker, please transcend the Rubok Etlon with your Fonfon Smizmar Ru. Kif: What? Grand Midwife: Get in the mud. This mud is the petroleum from a billion generations of Kif's ancestors. As you become one with the ooze, so you become one with the clan Kroker. Amy: Oh, Kif, it's like a movie with this happening in it. Grand Midwife: Is the best man present? Zapp: Guilty as charged. Grand Midwife: Kindly hose the couple. Grand Midwife: As it was, so it is. You may now eat the snake. If you so choose. It's not part of the ceremony. I just had an extra snake. Rubok is complete. Throw the bouquet. Zoidberg: Are you going to eat that? Bender: Fry, run, run. Get over here, oh, my God, oh, my God! Fry: What? What is it? Bender: Shut up already! Calculon's on TV! Monique: I beg you, Calculon, don't ring that door chime. Calculon: I have no choice, Monique. Whoever the blackmailer is, he lives behind this hideous yet strangely familiar door. Human Friend: Calculon residence. Oh, hello, Mr. Calculon. Calculon: Son of a bit. This is my house. But that means I'm blackmailing myself. Why didn't you tell me, Monique? Monique: I tried to, but I couldn't. Oh, Calculon, I'm afraid you have a fourth personality the other three don't know about, and it and I are lovers! Bender: How's Calculon going to take this, Fry, especially after that humiliating tennis tournament? Fry? Fry: Don't know, Bender. Tonight's my big date with Colleen. I got to run. Bender: But me and you like to watch together. Look, I got you a cabbage to snack on. Humans like cabbage, right? Ride Barter: Step right up to the 2D Tunnel of Love. Not one, not three, but two glorious dimensions for the price of a single ticket. Keep your hands in the car, shut up, and have fun. Fry: Wow, you even look beautiful in 2D. Colleen: I do? But from your perspective, I'm just a line segment. Fry: A really hot line segment. So, listen, sweetie pie, I was thinking maybe we should take this to the next step. Colleen: Really? Fry: Yes. Colleen...will you be moved in with by me? Colleen: (SOFT GASP) Amy: Way to go. Zoidberg: Hooray, hooray. Leela: That's great. Bender: You're moving in with her? Why can't she move in with us? I could just curl up at the foot of the bed. (WHIMPERING) Professor: Listen up, everyone. I know you've all been extremely worried about the cosmic anomaly. Hermes: The what? Oh, right. Professor: But there's good news! We're all going to learn more about it at a scientific conference. Man Walking On Screen: ...like a city made of marshmallow. Stephen Hawking'S Head: Welcome. I am the pickled head of Stephen Hawking on a way-cool rocket. Leela (Embarrassed): Black hole Hawking? Wow, if I knew I was going to meet you I would have done something with my hair. Stephen Hawking: You should have. Stephen Hawking: In conclusion, I understand nothing about the anomaly, even after cashing the huge check I got for writing a book about it. Professor (Standing Up): I know this anomaly is terrifying. But as scientists, is it not our sworn duty to seek out knowledge, even at the cost of our very lives? [Cut To] Stephen Hawking: No. [Cut To] Farnsworth: I say we must mount an expedition to the anomaly forthwith. Wernstrom (Standing Up): I agree. [Cut To] Professor: Wernstrom! [Cut To] Wernstrom: Professor Farnsworth is correct. Only a manned mission can... Professor: Don't listen to that crackpot! Wernstrom: But I'm agreeing with you. Professor: I'll make you eat those words, you moron! Wernstrom: Ah! I volunteer to lead the expedition. I have a squad of graduate students eager to risk their lives for a letter of recommendation. [Cut To] Professor: Your squad sucks bosons! My team is twice as qualified and three times as expendable. The Pe Crew (Standing Up): Yeah! Wernstrom: Oh, tough talk for someone with only one Fields Medal. Crowd: Ooh! [Cut To] Stephen Hawking: Ooh! Professor: Wernstrom, I ought to... Stephen Hawking: I didn't know I could do that. Now quiet down and settle this like men of science. Professor (Sitting Down): Very well. Professor (Vo): Let Deathball begin! Farnsworth: Go, Planet Express! Wernstrom: Go even more, my team! [The Crowd Is Cheering. Cut To Hermes Running Across Screen From A Ball. Five Players From Wernstrom Team Push A Ball Into A Hole And The Hole Lights Up Red. Fry Looks At The Scoreboard. "Farnsworth: 0 - Wernstrom 1." A ball heads down a wall toward him.] Fry: Leela, header! Colleen (With Two Beers In Her Hands): Woo hoo! Bust those balls! Zoidberg: Hooray! We're equally good! Leela: Come on, Bender! Your grandmother could push harder than that! Bender: No crap. My grandmother was a bulldozer. [Cut To] Bender: And thus metal man defeated meat man. The end. Colleen: Come here, winner! Colleen (Looking At One Of Wernstrom Players): Come here, loser! Fry (Confused): Colleen, what are you doing? My face is over here. Colleen: This is my boyfriend, silly! Fry (Confused): I thought I was your boyfriend. Colleen: You are. Fry (Confused): Well, how can you have two boyfriends? Colleen: Oh, I don't. I have five. Fry, meet Chu, Bolt, Ndulu, and Shlomo. Chu: Nihow. Ndulu: Greetings. Bolt: Pleasure. Fry: But... But... Colleen: Shlomo and Ndulu will help you move your stuff into my apartment tonight. Ndulu: Welcome to the relationship, buddy! Fry: Hmm? Chu: There's my butterscotch. Farnsworth: Congratulations, Deathballers! We've won the right to explore the anomaly! Zoidberg: What? I thought I was playing for my freedom! Farnsworth: No. Now, I've often said "good news" when sending you on a mission of extreme danger. So when I say this anomaly is dangerous, you can imagine how dangerous I really think it is. Hermes: Not dangerous at all? Farnsworth: Actually, quite dangerous indeed. Hermes: That is quite dangerous! Farnsworth: Indeed. Now stop shilly-shallying! Prep the ship and line up for your pre-flight coffee enemas! [Pan To] Enema Bot: Warning. The enema you are about to enjoy is extremely hot. Fry: I don't know what to do, Leela. Should I move in with Colleen and her four other boyfriends? Leela: What are you going to do? Sleep in a big pile like hamsters? Fry: No! It's not like that. Everyone gets his own room and a shelf in the refrigerator. Zoidberg (Walking By): Take the deal, Fry! If there's a delicious cake, isn't it better to have one slice than none at all? Even if four other guys eat the other four slices, and they're all thrusting their sweaty naked bodies against the cake? Amy (With Kif): Only one thing matters, Fry. Do you really love Colleen, like I love my little squeezle? [She squeezes him and his head expands and eyes expand out of his head. He giggles. Fry: Yeah. I do love her. Kif (High Pitched Voice): Then things will work out. [Cut To] Farnsworth: Whoa! Enema Bot: Double espresso for Philip Fry? Fry (Standing Up): Sorry, I'm not going on the mission. I'm moving in with Colleen! Kif: Good for you, Fry. Zoidberg: Hooray! Amy: Alright! Fry: I'll just take that to go. Colleen: Yay! Welcome to your new home! Fry: Thanks, Colleen. And listen, I'm sorry I got jealous before. I'm just happy to be here with you. Ndulu: Want a slice of delicious cake? Bender(Vo): (Gasps) The anomaly! Amy: It's so anomalous. Hermes: I'm feeling dread deep in my dreads! Farnsworth: Wernstrom! Wernstrom: Yes, and I'm afraid I have disturbing news about the anomaly. You see... Farnsworth: How did you get this number? Hermes, hang up on him in the rudest possible manner. Hermes (Saluting Farnsworth): Yes, sir! Wernstrom: No, not the crack slam! Colleen: Oh, my life rocks. I've got good wine, five sweethearts, and today, I was promoted to Chief of Police. Fry (Toasting Colleen): Here's to you. Chu: Me? Fry: No, Colleen. I'm making a romantic toast. Chu: Sorry. Fry: You have the most beautiful eyes I think I... Ndulu: Thank you. Fry: I'm not talking to you! Ndulu: Then I am not talking to you, either. Schlomo: Will everyone be quiet a little? I want to hear what he has to say! Fry: Thank you. Schlomo: Not you, you Verstinkener. You're just here 'cause she likes cave men from the stupid ages. Bolt: Oh, look who's talking. You're just here 'cause she got matzoh fever. Ndulu: So, what's the explanation for you, moron fever? (laughs) Colleen: Enough! All of you! I love you. Most people in this world don't have what we have. Let's just be grateful, okay? All: Yeah. Chu: Yeah, you're right. Fry: So, Colleen, you look really nice. Colleen: Oh, thanks. I got dressed up for my date. There he is. Don't wait up! Fry (Angrily): That's it. I thought I was okay with this, but I'm not. I'm breaking up with you! Ndulu: Me? Bender (Stammering): Why are we risking our lives? Can't we just send in a robotic drone? What's everybody looking at me for? Bender: "Let's send a robot to explore it. 'Cause you can always buy another one for 20 bucks." Leela: Really? Bender: Well, it's 30 bucks, and there's a $10-mail-in rebate. When the League of Robots hears about this, they won't be pleased. Oh, you'll pay, my darlings. Hermes: The League of Robots doesn't exist, tin mon. It's just a cartoon for babies. Bender: Oh, yeah? Then how come when I was a kid, I had a whole sticker book of them? Answer that with your precious logic. Bender (Within Inches Of The Anomaly): Bender to crew. I have reached the gateway to another universe. I feel awed and strangely humbled by the momentous solemnity of this occasion. (yelling) Hey, other universe, bite my shiny metal...

Bender: I can't remember anything except a blinding light and a searing ass pain. I better check my black box. BENDER "The light! It's blinding! And the ass pain! It's searing!" So that's what happened. Amy: Hey, Bender! Look who's here to cheer you up. Bender: I don't need cheering up. I'm perfectly... Calculon (Entering The Room): Greetings, sick fan. Bender: (Gasps) TV's Calculon! (He coughs) Calculon: You poor, mangled husk of what was once a robot! What right hath fate to pluck a sweet, dimple-cheeked mechanism in the flower of his youth? And... Scene! There, that was some free acting for you. Ordinarily, to see acting like that, you'd have to sit through a tampon commercial. Colleen (Sobbing): Where did we go wrong, Fry? We were meant to be together! Schlomo: Nu, I'm freezing my tokhes off here. Colleen (Happily): Just a sec, honey! Bender: I'm back, idiots! Zoidberg: You look wonderful, robut! I wish I could afford to go to a hospital. I'm dreadfully sick. Bender: (laughs) I feel great, and I owe it all to Calculon. His visit really inspired me. I finally know what I want to be when I grow up. Hermes: You want to co-star in his TV show? Like that time you already did that? Bender: No. I'm gonna be a stalker! Leela: That's not really a career. More of a felony. Bender: Man, I'm gonna stalk his brains out. Ooh! Big news on the Calculon fan site! There's a flash mob headed for his plastic surgeon's office! Plastic Surgeon: There, that's as big as I can make it. But I caution you, it looks completely unrealistic. Calculon: You let me worry about that! Just do your job. Bender: Neat! Man: Get a shot of that. Fatbot (Standing Outside "Robot Plastic Surgery"): Oh boy, oh boy, he's here. Crazed Fan: Calculon, I love you! Have my baby! Calculon: Back, you lunatic! Crazed Fan: He touched me! Bender: Sign my ass! Farnsworth (Sniffing)(Vo): Emergency! Emergency! Everyone to the Calamitorium! Leela, smell this. Leela: Can I wipe it off first? Farnsworth: No time, woman! No time! Leela (Sniffing): Hmm. Smells like angel dust. Farnsworth: Exactly! That's a discontinuous electromagnetic field. Wernstrom tried to warn me, but I was too damn stubborn! Hermes, get Wernstrom on the line so I can apologize. Wernstrom: Ogden Wernstrom speaking. Farnsworth (Whispering): Tell him I'm not here! Leela: Professor! Farnsworth: Oh, very well. Wernstrom, I've been a vainglorious fool! If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, your tiny little heart, would you consider a scientific collaboration? Wernstrom: Sir, I'd be honored. Wernstrom: As I attempted to warn you, the laws of electromagnetism change abruptly at the anomaly. Observe. Pocket Pal: Play time is fun time. Wernstrom (While Hurling The Robot Into The Anomaly): Not this time. Farnsworth: My heavens! If only I'd heeded your warning, I'd have known it was impossible to cross the barrier! Wernstrom (While Opening A Barrel Labelled "Lab Animals"): But note what happens when I instead throw this laboratory koala. Farnsworth: It passed through unharmed. So living beings can enter the other universe, but electrical devices can't? Wernstrom: My hypothesis exactly. Farnsworth: Then we must mount a second expedition without delay. Right after we blow up more robots. Wernstrom: Agreed. Farnsworth: Play time is fun time. Calculon: Who are you? Bender: Bender, your biggest fan. Calculon: Are you going to murder me? Bender: Unlikely. In my mind, we're friends. This diorama proves it, see? Calculon: Sir, your derangement is impressive. I'm appointing you my official stalker. Bender: You shan't be disappointed. Pleasant dreams. [Calculon turns the lights off and his eyes close, but Bender's do not. Instead they extend out towards Calculon's eyes. Calculon opens his eyes and looks at Bender's as they quickly move even closer to his own. Farnsworth: Now that I've teamed up with my friend, Dr. (spiteful tone) Wernstrom, (normal tone) I feel certain we can successfully penetrate the other universe. Wernstrom: It's the greatest scientific opportunity since you yourself sent men to the moon in 1969. Nixon: I always regretted that. Nothing up there but dry rocks and those revolting onion men. Farnsworth: But... Nixon: You East Coast intellectuals had your chance. Now beat it! From here on in, this is a military matter. Nixon: People of the universe, please welcome Rear Brigadier Zapp Brannigan. Zapp: Thank you, thank you. Well deserved. (To Kif) Kif, stand in that hole so I look taller. (To crowd) Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream. To kill him, so we don't have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things. Wernstrom: Give science a chance! Farnsworth: Less invasions, more equations! Nixon: Damn long-hairs. Knock some sense into them, Chief O'Hallahan. Colleen: Yes, sir! Fry (Sobbing): I can't take it, Leela. I need to go away. Far away, forever. Leela: Aw, I know how you feel, Fry. There are times when I also feel like you need to go away. Amy: Be careful, my little, teeny, greeny weenie. Zapp (Grabbing/Covering His Groin): That's just a fungal infection... Oh, she's talking to you, Kif. Kif: Goodbye, my love. Bender (To Calculon): Wow, how come humans get to do all the fun stuff? This is exactly the sort of thing that ought to be handled by (whispering) The League of Robots. Calculon: (He laughs.) That's adorable, Bender. You actually believe in the League of Robots? Bender: You mean, there's really no such thing? Then who's there to mete out justice when an outdated robot is melted into belt buckles? Who's there to defend our honour when a rude human brings a blush to a robo-virgin's cheek? Calculon: No one. Bender: Oh. [Zoom Into A Close-Up Of Bender'S Face To See A Tear Run Down His Cheek. Cut To Amy Standing Alone, Watching The Nimbus Leave For Space. She Turns Around To Face The Screen And A Tear Runs Down Her Cheek. Cut To Farnsworth, Still Being Beaten By The Three Officers. A Tear Runs Down His Cheek. Cut To A Shot Of The Nimbus Flying With Its Escort, Zoom Into A Window Labelled "Stowaway Hatch 35: Unauthorized Access Only" to reveal Fry standing in it. He looks back to face Earth and a tear runs down his cheek.] Bender (Vo): Now that I know robots are worthless, with no League of Robots to protect us from the fleshy menace known as man, I have resolved to kill myself. In lieu of flowers, please beat yourselves in the face with rusty chains. Your friend, Bender. Zoidberg: Ow. Suicide Booth: Please select mode of death. Bender: Clumsy bludgeoning, please. Suicide Booth: You have selected clumsy bludgeoning. For an additional $10, would you like your eyes scooped out with a melon-baller? Bender: What the heck, I'll treat myself. Zapp: Enemy in range. Prepare to launch universe-to-universe missile. Kif: Preparing to launch U.U.M. Zapp: Hell of a thing to send a universe to certain doom. Fun, though. Makes a man feel big. Bender (Tapping His Foot): Come on, come on, I didn't ask to die of boredom! Suicide Booth: You are now dead. Please take your receipt. Bender: What's... What's happening? Hooded Robot: Kneel before the candle. Bender: Don't hurt me! I'll betray anyone! Hooded Robot: Bender Bending Rodriguez... Calculon: Welcome to the League of Robots! Zapp: Ready? And... Fi-... Almost fooled you there. Fire! Francine: Missile jam. Missile jam. Zapp: I heard you the first time, Francine. Francine: Sorry. Zapp: Kif, climb down there and un-jam it, would you? Be a dear. And stop sighing so much. Calculon: Tell us, Bender. Are you worthy of membership in the League? Bender: Worthier than the average robot. Calculon: Then prove it. Upon each step is a test. Bender: Okay, but if it's culturally biased, I'm suing your ass. Calculon: Test number one. The test of the beer mug! British Robot: Quite right, quite so. All: Drink the mug! Drink the mug! Bender: I accept your challenge. All: Hurray! Hedonism Bot: The test of the flagon! All: Drink the flagon! Drink the flagon! Bender: Are all the tests going to involve drinking? Calculon: It never occurred to me before, but yes. Bender: Wohoo! Just like med school! Zapp: Ready yet, Kif? Kif (Tinkering With The Missile, Legs Hanging Out Of The Missile Bay): Just give me one more... Kif: Oh, no. Billionaire Bot: The test of the infinitely priceless 1,000-year-old brandy. Calculon: Presenting our newest member. Fender: That's right, baby! Bender: Hot diggity daffodil! Fry: And so, to everyone and everything I've ever known, I say my last goodbye. Kif: Hello. So, how are you, Fry? Fry: Pretty good. You? Kif: Well... Oh. Zapp: Mmm. Kif, get over here. You've got to try this! Amy (Sobbing): At least Kiffy died quickly. Hermes: Yes, but according to the Old Farmer's Wikipedia, the amazing thing about Kif's species is that the remains continue suffering for up to six hours after death. Amy (Sobbing): That's so interesting! Bender: Don't ask where I was last night. For all you know, I was at home, perhaps baking a strudel. What's her problem? Somebody die or something? Leela: Kif's dead, Bender. Bender: Nailed it! Zapp: My condolences, Amy. Allow me to present you with the last known photo of Lieutenant Kroker. Mrs. Wong: We so sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Kroker. Terrible shame about Froggy. Mrs. Kroker: Thank you for your kind words. Mr. Wong: Yeah, yeah, real sad. Want some breath spray? Cinnamon flavour, taste like pie. Bender: This is from the league of you-don't-need-to-know. Grand Midwife: I am the grand funeral director! Zoidberg: Do you validate parking? Grand Midwife: It is always a terrible tragedy when a swarm outlives its own bulboid. So it is with great sorrow that I now commit the goo that was once Kif to the petroleum of his ancestors. Leela: Whack the bottle! Hermes: No, from the bottom ! It works better! Amy (Sobbing): Just stick a butter knife in it! Grand Midwife: There, I got most of it. The burial is complete. I will now sing the sacred hymn. It's not part of the ceremony, just a little something that I wrote. Bender (Interrupting The Song): Next! Amy: It may sound strange, but seeing Kif's mutilated remains poured into the mud made me really sad. Leela: Mutilation is never easy. Amy (Crying): I don't think I'll ever love again. Leela: Oh, you don't mean that. Love can surprise you at any time in your life. Zapp: Surprise! Fry: Whoa, it kind of takes your breath away. Url: Look alive, death row. Your saggy asses got a visitor. Farnsworth: Regular or conjugal? Url: She looked like a freak to me. Leela: The guard operating the x-ray machine came down with a sudden case of broken neck, so I was able to bring you that delicious cake you wanted. Farnsworth: I don't understand. Are you winking or blinking? Leela: Hang on a second. Farnsworth: Got it! Bender: Ahh, yes, I'm here to repair my horse. Shop Owner: Is the horse's name (whispers) Hot Beans? Bender: No! I mean, yes. British Robot: So it seems a human had been rather injured by a knife, and as his... As his blood, you know, I think that's what they call it... Calculon: Quite correct, sir. Blather on! British Robot: As it drained away, he said... He said, Take me to a dock. No doubt he intended to say doctor, but he was unable to complete his thought, you see, being as he had died. So, taking him at his word, we dragged his corpse to the waterfront, whereupon the seagulls fed upon it. Bender: Humans are dumb and they die easy! Hedonism Bot: Quite! Billionaire Bot: Speaking of humans, have I shown you my new monocle? Cost me a king's ransom. Made from a king, don't you know! Hedonism Bot: Oh, how repulsively decadent! Billionaire Bot: Yes. But more importantly, it allows me to see the smiling faces of my children for the first time since I lost my vision in that horrible banking accident. Bender: May I see that for a second? My, but that's interesting! Hedonism Bot: I say! Billionaire Bot: I'm blind! Calculon: My God, Bender! This is a civilized organization! The rules specifically... Bender: May I make a point of order, President Calculon? Calculon: Must you? Bender: Yes. Bender: The bylaws specifically state that no human may set foot in the League of Robots! If he has a human part, he's part human! Hedonism Bot: Oh, my! Then I too have a human part I must expel. And I plan to enjoy the experience. Ta-ta ! British Robot: Bender, you've rigidly applied the law with no regard for its intent. Well done! You'll go far in this organization. Bender: Oh, you're just gettin' to know Bender. Wernstrom: Curses! If we could only turn up the gain, we might smell clear through to the other universe! But we can't adjust it without a screwdriver. Farnsworth: Wait a moment. I think I was just shanked with a screwdriver! Yes! Wernstrom: A little more. A little less. Heavens to meteoroid! Smell this! Farnsworth: Holy mother of invention! Wernstrom: We must notify the President at once! Farnsworth: But how can we? Oh, I wish, I wish, I wish we weren't in prison! Farnsworth: Pazuzu! Pazuzu: You have one wish left, Professor. Nixon: Sometimes... Always... Never! You again? This better be damned important. I'm right in the middle of a Cosmo survey! Farnsworth: You'll want to hear this, Mr. President. For we have sniffed where no man has sniffed before!