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Peanut Jar Mixers Development 7

Mayor Poopenmeyer: Look! Up in the sky! Hermes: It's a bird! Hattie Mcdoogal: It's a plane! Super Hero: I am so out of here! Zapp (Vo): Captain's log, star date, the year of the tiger. The battle has been bravely fought, and the suffering of our troops beyond measure. But the alien is invulnerable, and our defeat inevitable. That much is obvious, even from my remote command post here at the Times Square Applebee's. Waiter! Take this fried mozzarella back to the kitchen and fry it some more. Nixon: Har-harrooo! The tentacle's coming towards Earth and there's no stopping it. King Kong's too old to save us this time. Farnsworth: We have only one hope, Mr. President. We must encase the entire planet in a protective sphere of my patented, ultra-hard Diamondium! Wernstrom: Diamondium? (He scoffs.) I could gum through that with my dentures behind my back. My trademarked Diamondillium is twice as hard! Farnsworth: Twice as hard as your head! Which makes it still fairly soft! Nixon: Now look here, you Poindexters. I don't care how you decide. Just decide! Farnsworth: Diamondillium it is. Bender (Standing In Front Of The Fireplace): So, hey, Calculon, I know I'm the new guy, and, pardon my ignorance, but when do we kill all humans? Calculon: Never. Bender: But what about our motto? Doesn't it mean anything? Calculon: Oh, Bender, your idealism is heart-warming. But the League of Robots hasn't killed a human in over 800 years. And that was a very sick girl scout. British Robot: Quite sick indeed. Calculon: Sweet, innocent Bender. Wernstrom: I declare my impenetrable Diamondillium sphere complete! Farnsworth: Now look here, Wernstrom. You're making it sound as if the sphere was your idea when we both know... It was! All credit to my colleague, Ogden Wernstrom! H. G. Blob: It's horrible! Zoidberg: I can't make it! Go on without me! Leela: I'm trying! Zoidberg: Go on without me faster! Hermes: Sweet squid of Madrid! The tentacle got Fry! Leela: Quick, hand me my machete! We can still save his legs! Fry: Silence! I have traveled far and seen deep, and I have come to know the purpose of our existence. [Cut To] Randy: Finally. Fry (Who Is Now Shown On The Jumbotron): Thou shalt love the tentacle! [Cut To] Farnsworth: Well, at least we don't have to love one another. Fry: A new age has begun. The age of the tentacle! Open your necks and receive the love! Warden Vogel: Ow, my neck! Morgan Proctor: Ow, my neck! Fishy Joe: My neck feels perfectly... Ow, my neck! Zoidberg: Hooray, Zoidberg escaped! Hooray, Zoidberg loves the tentacle! Hermes: It got Zoidberg! Farnsworth: Oh, I never knew how much I'd miss him until he was gone! Not that much, as it turns out. Fry: Thus sayeth the tentacle, "Verily, thou shalt rejoice in the house of the tentacle." Leela: Fry, listen to yourself. You've been brainwashed. Fry: No, I'm just trying to fit my diction to the importance of what I'm saying. Please, let me speak. Leela (Pointing A Gun At Fry): I'm listening. Fry: Don't be afraid of the tentacle, Leela. It's beautiful and it loves me. And I love it. Leela (Pointing Two Guns At Fry): Aw. That's so nice for both of you. Fry: I know it may seem strange that I have feelings for an octopus monster from another universe. And yes, perhaps it's not the storybook romance that's been crammed down our throats by (quoting the syllables) "Hollywood." But the Monsterpus has loved us from afar since we were amoebas. Only when the space anomaly opened could it finally express a billion years of longing. Leela: Really? It loves us that much? Fire Diamondium cannon! Fry: Hey! [He yelps as he's constantly swung out of harm's way. Leela: No effect. The crystals are bouncing off the tentacle like meatballs off Mothra. Wernstrom: Oh, what a surprise. I told you Diamondium was worthless! Farnsworth: Wernstrom, quit hyping your cheap Diamondillium and look at this. Wernstrom: Uh-oh. Hermes: What oh? Farnsworth: According to this blinking light, the tentacle is made of electro-matter, matter's bad-ass grandma! Nothing from our universe can cut through it. Not Diamondium, not Diamondillium, not even your wife's pound cake, Hermes! (To Wernstrom ) She's a terrible cook. (To All ) Anyway, we're all dead. Bender: So, Bender, is something wrong? Who said that? Oh, it was me! 'Cause my roommate doesn't notice or even care that I'm upset! Fry: What, Bender? Is something wrong? Bender: Yes! I joined a club I thought was cool, but it turns out all the leaguie-weegies are totally lame. That's what we call ourselves, "leaguie-weegies." Fry: I'm sorry. I should've asked what was bothering you. I've been kind of preoccupied. Bender: With what? Fry: Well, I went to another universe, and I fell in love with a giant octopus, and now I'm pope of a new religion. Bender: Weren't you already pope of something? Fry: No. Bender: Oh. Well, I'm just saying I'd like you to show an interest in my life, too. Fry: Okay, let's catch up soon. But right now, I gotta go shove a tentacle into everyone in China. Linda (Screaming): They're coming! Those horrible, horrible things are coming! (Calm) Morbo? [Cut To] Morbo: As the universe falls prey to the revolting alien, only a few isolated pockets of resistance remain. Linda: Those pockets sure are missing out on a great thing. Leela: Amy? Amy: Sorry. I thought I saw a tentacle, but it was just a harmless land squid. I better have some cocoffee. Hermes: When I gave up diapers, my parents promised exactly this would never happen! Leela: Nobody panic! Just get to the panic room! Fry: Well done, people! We had a great first week. We got 90% of world leaders, everyone who bought a Hanes undershirt, and this year's most promising new R&B group, give it up for the Grammy-nominated Funkalistics! The Funkalistics: (singing) Talkin' 'bout the tentacle! Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I was up all night inventing, and then finally, I invented! Amy: Invented what? Farnsworth: The neck protector, the neck protector junior, and now, for a limited time, the lady neck protector! Hermes: I'll take two. My neck is huge. Farnsworth (Typing On The Keyboard.): We're perfectly safe now. Time to stop living like a bunch of nervous nellies. Leela: Professor, these look like you cut them from cardboard toilet paper tubes. Farnsworth: So? Lots of important inventions are made from toilet paper tubes. Microscopes, the internet, tentacle polish... Leela: It got the professor! Hermes: Wait, why am I screaming? It got me, too! Wernstrom: Stop, in the name of love! Leela: Crud. We may be the last two normal people on Earth. At least I won't have to trim my elbow talons anymore. Amy (Crying): I'm scared! And I miss Kif! Leela: It's okay to cry, Amy. Come here, I'm wearing absorbent shoulder straps. Zapp: Mmm. What an erotic display of girl-on-girl consolation. Leela: Zapp? Zapp: Hurry, Leela, we don't have much time to begin repopulating Earth. Go brush your teeth. I'll be waiting for you naked under this keh-suh-dilluh. Hermes: Stop resisting, my brethren! Don't you want to be part of something bigger than yourselves? Like a big crazy monster? Fry: So we got her, huh? Bring her in! Zoidberg: Do it already! Fry: Hello, Colleen. Colleen: Fry, please! Colleen: If this is about your futon, I sold it to pay the phone bill that you skipped out on! Fry: Colleen wasn't satisfied with me. Were you, Colleen? Colleen: Come on, Fry, this isn't cool! Fry: She had to have four other boyfriends! I guess she never thought I'd become tentacle pope of the world! Colleen: You know what? It's true! You weren't enough for me! No one man is! You were great, but you weren't Chinese, you weren't Cameroonian, and you certainly were not the "king of karaoke," as you so often claimed. And if your ego can't take that, then you don't deserve to be tentacle pope of anything! Fry (Raising Into The Air With Clenched Fists.): Oh, yeah, Colleen? Well, I've got one thing to say to you. (Calm) I completely agree! Colleen (Confused): You, you... What? Fry (Walking With Colleen.): Why should you be satisfied with one man when love needs to share itself with the whole universe? Colleen: Wow, Fry. You know, that's really... Fry: Love the tentacle, honey. Colleen: I do love the tentacle. Fry: Come on out, guys! There's enough love for everybody! Zoidberg: Aw. Amy: We're trapped! Leela (Into Her Wristlomojacker): Help, help! Is anyone out there? Bender (Over Leela'S Wristlomojacker): Bender to Leela. I read you. (Direct) 'Sup, bigboots? Leela: Bender, we need a place to hide! Amy: Please! Zapp: Pretty please! Bender (Laughing): You humans are so cute when you're scared. In here. Destructor (Leaning Against A Building): My leg feels funny! Bender: Humans are disgusting! I opened one up once. I almost barfed. Destructor: Did you know their hair just keeps growing and growing? My leg feels funny! Amy: Leela, you're crushing me with your rock-hard butt. Leela: Sorry. Zapp: Mmm. I can only imagine what rock-hard part of Leela is crushing me. Calculon: Anyone mind if I turn up the heat a tad? Zapp: I can't take it! I'm being steamed in my own velour! Bender: Death to humans! Destructor: My leg feels better! Amy: Hi, Bender. Calculon: Bender, you know these humans? Bender: Of course not! Who are you humans and why am I pointing you to the exit? Go, go, go! Leela (While Running Away.): Thanks for everything, Bender! Bender: Death to all of you! Calculon: Bender, methinks thou doth protest too much. Hedonism Bot: It seems Bender hates humans the way I hate having my nipples polished with industrial sandpaper. British Robot (Laughing): Quite right. Calculon (Laughing): It's okay, Bender, to heir is human. Bender: Sir, you forget yourself! Bender: I challenge you to a duel on the field of honor. Hedonism Bot: Oh, my... Zapp: Leela, it's getting dark. We may have to make a tent out of Amy's skin. Amy: Look, there's an abandoned cabin! Zapp: Even so. Leela: We're in luck. This must have been the cabin of a soup bootlegger back in the days of soup prohibition. Zapp: Oh, yeah. Bathtub minestrone. Amy (Sobbing)': Poor Kif! I can't believe he's gone forever! Zapp: Ditto on the grief there, Amy. Amy: You miss him, too? Zapp: More than you, as his mere wife, could ever understand. He was my fourth lieutenant, for God's sake, and bore the peppermill at the captain's table. Amy: Really? Zapp (Sobbing): Oh, Amy, I miss him so! Hardly a month goes by that I don't think of him. But you know, in a way, he's still with us. Do you feel his presence? Amy (Crying): I'm not sure. Zapp: It's over here. Closer. Leela: Amy! Zapp! I fetched up some fresh soup! Zapp: Sorry you had to find out like this, Leela. I was hoping you'd see it on YouTube first. As my ex-lover, you're naturally shocked and jealous, but you may well get your chance again someday. How about today at 4 00? Amy: Hey, this isn't so bad. Zapp: She's right. Leela, you must try the tentacle. It's like my soul is wearing a velour body glove. Leela: Get off me! I'm saving my neck for a rich, handsome Dracula. Farnsworth: What I love most about the tentacle is that I don't need to move my bowels anymore. It's all handled by that family in Evanston. Leela: No, it can't be. Farnsworth (With Many Tentacles Behind Him): Leela, what's your favourite thing about the tentacle? You don't have a tentacle! Get her! Get her some love! Zoidberg: You're on in five minutes, Excellency. You sure you don't want your comedy pope staff? Fry: The tentacle monster is about to address the world. It's too serious. Zoidberg: Oh. Leela (From The Doorway): Hello, Fry. Fry: Leela? How did you get past my sumo ninjas? Leela: I told them something so shocking that they let me by. Fry: What's that? Leela: I love the tentacle. Zoidberg: We're rolling in three, two... What? We're already rolling? Fry: Love the tentacle! All: Love the tentacle! Fry: Loved ones, the Monsterpus has revealed unto me its name. Morbo: What is our love's name? Fry: Yivo. Yivo is the lover of all beings, male and female. But Yivo has no gender, thus Yivo has proclaimed that instead of "he" or "she," we are to use the word "shklee." And instead of "him" or "her," we are to use the word "shklim," or "shkler." Hermes: Phew! I've been sweating the nomenclature all week. Fry: So here shklee is shklerself, Yivo! Colleen: Yay, Yivo! Yivo: Attention, beings of Universe Gamma. Zoidberg: Where? Yivo: Here. Zoidberg: I had a hunch. Yivo: I am Yivo. In your universe, you are many, but in my universe, I am one. For a trillion years I dwelt in solitude, content with my job and my stamp collecting, but then I looked across immensity and saw the big bang, and I was, like, "Whoa, who's that?" And I knew then that I was lonely. Morbo (Crying): You poor monster! Yivo: Then your emissary Fry came unto me, and he, too, was lonely. So I reached into your universe that we might feel each other's touch. Leela: Hey, Yivo, feel this. Yivo: Ow! Leela: People of everywhere, I have shocking news. Yivo: Hey, butt out! This is between me and everyone else in existence. Leela: Yivo talks a lot about love, but what he's actually doing... Hermes: What shklee's actually doing. Leela: ...is mating with you! These aren't tentacles. They're genticles. Fry: Ew!

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet. Hermes: Why can't they go today? Farnsworth: Because tonight's a special night and I want all of you to be alive. It's the Academy of Inventors' annual symposium. Fry: Wow! I love symposia. Farnsworth: It's the event of the scientific season. Every member presents an invention and the best one wins the Academy prize. Bender: Sounds boring. Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. But not this year, because my latest invention is unbeatable. Behold! The death clock. Simply jam your finger in the hole and this read-out tells you exactly how long you have left to live. Leela: Does it really work? Farnsworth: Well it's occasionally off by a few seconds. What with free will and all. Fry: Sounds like fun. How long do I have left to live? Bender: Ooh! Dibs on his CD player! Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Fry: Who's the gross nerd? Farnsworth: That's me at the very first symposium. I'm the Academy's oldest living member, you know. These youngsters all look up to me. Wernstrom: Well, well, well. Look who decided to show his wrinkled face. Farnsworth: Why don't you just leave me alone, Wernstrom? Wernstrom: Face it, Farnsworth, you're over the hill. It's time to leave science to the 120-year-olds. Farnsworth: You young turks think you know everything. I was inventing things when you were barely turning senile. Wernstrom: Go home before you embarrass yourself, old man. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a nap before the ceremonies. Fry: Who's that jerk? Farnsworth: A hundred years ago he was my most promising student at Mars University. But then, after one fateful pop-quiz... Wernstrom: A-minus? No one gives Ogden Wernstrom an A-minus! Farnsworth: I'm sorry, but penmanship counts. Wernstrom: I swear I'll have my revenge even if it takes me a hundred years. Farnsworth: And here it is Slightly over 99 years later and still no revenge. I'm essentially in the clear. Bender: I've been perusing your fortified wine list and I've selected the '71 Hobo's Delight, the '57 Chateau Parté and the '66 Thunder Chevitz. Waiter: Exquisite choices, sir. Bender: And mix them all together in a big jug. Popeil: Welcome to this year's Academy of Inventors Annual Symposium. I'm your host, Ron Popeil, inventor of Mr. Microphone, the spray-on toupee and, of course, the technology to keep human heads alive in jars. But wait, there's more. We've got a whole line-up of inventors tonight, starting with that up and coming young star, Ogden Wernstrom. Bender: More wine! Wernstrom: Distinguished members of the Academy, I present to you, the Reverse Scuba Suit. Observe! Fetch! Now, sit! I said sit! Bad fish! Fry: Don't worry, Professor, it's no competition for your death clock. Wernstrom: And what will you be presenting this evening, grandpa? Farnsworth: Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers in your place! Wernstrom: I just hope it's not as lame as that death clock you presented last year. Farnsworth: Uh, last year, you say? Wernstrom: That's right. Farnsworth: Oh, my! Did it put you young whippersnappers in your place? Wernstrom: Hardly! We laughed until our teeth fell out. Come along, Cinnamon. Farnsworth: Oh, dear. I'll have to invent something new in the next ten minutes. Perhaps some sort of death clock. Leela: Uh, Professor...? Popeil: Our last presentation comes from our oldest member, Professor Hubert Farnsworth. Professor? Farnsworth: Just a second, just a second. Wernstrom: Pencils down, prune-face. Farnsworth: Uh, yes, here I am, OK, now, hello there. Now, we all know telescopes allow us to see distant objects. But what if we want to smell distant objects? Well now we can! Thanks to my new invention ... the Smellescope. Man: Oh, I say! Farnsworth: The odour travels past this coffee stain here, around the olive pit and into this cigar burn. And this appears to be a doodle of myself as a cowboy. But the Smellescope is brilliant, I tell you! Think of the astronomical odours you'll smell thanks to me. Oh, my! Wernstrom: I've waited a hundred years for this, Farnsworth. I give your invention the worst grade imaginable An A-minus-minus. Popeil: And now for the presentation of the award. Listen, folks, I'm practically giving this prize away to Dr. Wernstrom, for his fish thingy. Farnsworth: Perhaps 149 is just too old to be a scientist. Bender: Yep! Fry: No, Professor, don't give up. There were plenty of times in my century when I was gonna give up but I never did. Never! Hey, are you even listening to me? Oh, I give up! Farnsworth: By God, you're right! I'm going to build that Smellescope! Farnsworth: Eureka! Fry: Did you build the Smellescope? Farnsworth: No, I remembered that I'd built one last year. Go ahead, try it. You'll find that every heavenly body has its own particular scent. Here, I'll point it at Jupiter. Fry: Smells like strawberries. Farnsworth: Exactly! And now Saturn. Fry: Pine needles. Oh, man, this is great! Hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus. Leela: I don't get it. Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all. Fry: Oh. What's it called now? Farnsworth: Urectum. Here, let me locate it for you. Fry: No, no, I think I'll just smell around a bit over here! Hmm. Hmm. Farnsworth: What is it? Oh, jeez! Oh, man! Remarkable! A stench so foul it's right off the Funk-o-Meter. I dare say Fry may have discovered the smelliest object in the known universe. Bender: Ooh! Ooh! Name it after me! Leela: I think it's moving. Farnsworth: Hmm. Perhaps the computer can calculate its trajectory. My God! Whatever it is, it's headed straight for us. With enough force to reduce this entire city to a stinky crater. We have less than 72 hours. Bender: Well, let's get looting! Fry: So this thing's gonna destroy the whole city? What the heck is it? Farnsworth: Ah! Just as I thought. The answer lies in this movie I found on the Internet. Narrator: New York City The year 2000. The most wasteful society in the history of the galaxy and it was running out of places to empty its never-ending output of garbage. The landfills were full. New Jersey was full. And so, under cover of darkness, the city put its garbage out to sea on the world's largest barge. The repulsive barge circled the oceans for 50 years but no country would accept it, not even that really filthy one. You know the one I mean. Finally, in 2052, the city used its mob connections to obtain a rocket and launch the garbage into outer space. Some experts claim the ball might return to Earth someday, but their concerns were dismissed as "depressing". Fry: Wow! You got that off the Internet? In my day the Internet was only used to download pornography. Farnsworth: Actually that's still true. Female Scientist: Now that the garbage is in space, doctor, perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions. Male Scientist: With gusto! Farnsworth: So that's the situation. Due to the short-sightedness of Old New York, New New York is going to be destroyed by a giant ball of garbage. Leela: Fry, what the hell were you people thinking back then? How could you just throw your garbage away? Fry: Hey, gimmie a break! What do you do with it? Leela: We recycle everything. Robots are made from old beer cans. Bender: Yeah! And this beer can is made outta old robots. Leela: And that sandwich you're eating is made of old discarded sandwiches. Nothing just gets thrown away. Fry: The future is disgusting. Leela: Typical 20th century attitude. Fry: Hey! You have no right to criticise the 20th century. We gave the world the lightbulb, the steamboat and the cotton gin. Leela: Those things are all from the 19th century. Fry: Yeah, well, they probably just copied us. Farnsworth: Please! There's no time for this now. This is an emergency. We must warn the mayor. Poopenmeyer: Garbage ball, huh? That sounds serious. Farnsworth: Very serious, Mayor Poopenmeyer. Poopenmeyer: I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming or second-hand smoke. Send in my science advisor. Farnsworth: Wernstrom! Wernstrom: Well, well, well! Come to present your latest napkin, Professor? Farnsworth: No, I'm here because a giant trash ball is heading straight for us. Smell for yourself. Poopenmeyer: Hey! Holy jeez! Wernstrom: That smell could be anything; a faulty stench coil, some cheese on the lens, who knows? Woman: Mr. Mayor, we just got this transmission from Neptune. Man: Giant ... garbage ball ... ... passed close by ... horrible stench. Woman: The transmission cuts out there, sir. No, I, guess it keeps going. Woman: There we go. Poopenmeyer: My God! The senile old man is right. Wernstrom: Do you mean him or me? Poopenmeyer: Him! Linda: Next, New New York in crisis. Morbo? Morbo: Thanks, human female. Puny Earthlings were shocked today to learn that a ball of garbage will destroy their pathetic city of New New York. Linda: Makes me glad we live here in Los Angeles. Morbo: Morbo agrees! Leela: Can't we just shoot a missile at it? Military Man: We've simulated that on a supercomputer but the ball is just too damn gooey. A missile would go right through it. Farnsworth: But suppose we send a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault line between this mass of coffee grounds and this deposit of America Online floppy disks. Military Man: In theory, it could work. Wernstrom: Uh, in theory, perhaps. But you'll never find a crew willing to take on a mission so suicidally dangerous. Bender: Oh, crap! Farnsworth: Now, you'll only have one chance to destroy the ball. After that, it will be so close to Earth that blowing it up would cause garbage to rain over the entire planet, killing billions. Bender: Oh, boo-hoo! Farnsworth: Now here's the bomb I've prepared. Once you activate it, you'll have 25 minutes to get away. Leela: That's all? But- Farnsworth: Now, now, there'll be plenty of time to discuss your objections when and if you return. Leela: Odour at magnitude 8. Magnitude 12. Magnitude 31. We're breaking up. Turn on the anti-smell device. Fry: Hmm, sporty! Fry: Wow! Leela: Look at all this filth. Fry: It's not filth. It's a glorious monument to the achievements of the 20th century. Look! A real Beanie Baby. Oh! A Mr. Spock collector's plate! Some Bart Simpson dolls! Doll: Eat my shorts! Bender: OK Mmm! Shorts! Leela: Fry, this stuff was garbage when it was new. Let's blow it up already! Fry: This junk isn't garbage! I can dig in any random pile and find something great. Fry: Alright, let's get to work. Leela: Let's see. If that's Hypodermic Ridge then the bomb must go right here. Get ready to run. We've got 25 minutes. Uh, 15 minutes. 5 minutes. "6h" minutes? Bender: There's your problem. The Professor put the counter on upside-down. Leela: That idiot! It wasn't set for 25 minutes, it was set for 52 seconds. Fry: We're gonna die! (calmly) Right? Bender: Right! Bender: It's gonna blow! Leela: Hey, watch it! You'll put somebody's eye out! Bender: OK, OK, keep your space pants on. I'll take care of this. Fry: We're saved! Leela: Yeah, but this garbage ball's unstoppable now. New New York is done for. Linda: All in all, this is one day Mittens the kitten won't soon forget! Morbo: Kittens give Morbo gas. In lighter news, the city of New New York is doomed. Blame rests with known human Professor Hubert Farnsworth and his tiny, inferior brain. Farnsworth: Oh, how could I have put that bomb timer on upside-down? I could swear I followed the manual precisely. I'm a dried up husk of a scientist. This is all my fault. Fry: No, it's my fault too. I'm sure I threw out more than my share of that trash up there. Also, one month my toilet broke and it just went straight in the garbage can. Leela was right. The people of the 20th century were idiotic slobs. Especially me. Poopenmeyer: Enough! You all failed miserably. It's time to put a real scientist in charge. Farnsworth: Wernstrom! Wernstrom: The very same. Poopenmeyer: Dr. Wernstrom, can you save my city? Wernstrom: Of course. But it'll cost you. First I'll need tenure. Poopenmeyer: Done. Wernstrom: And a big research grant. Poopenmeyer: You got it. Wernstrom: Also, access to a lab and five graduate students, at least three of them Chinese. Poopenmeyer: Um, alright done. What's your plan? Wernstrom: What plan? I'm set for life! Au revoir, suckers! Leela: That rat! Do something! Poopenmeyer: I wish I could but he's got tenure! Poopenmeyer: It's time to take action. Stephanie, cancel the maid for today. Have her come tomorrow. Well, I'm out of ideas. Anyone? Farnsworth: Wait! If we could build an object the exact size, density and consistency of the garbage ball, it might just knock the ball away without smashing it to bits. Leela: But where can we find a substance the exact density and consistency as garbage? Farnsworth: Alas, I don't know. Fry: Uh, what about garbage? Farnsworth: Good Lord! A second ball of garbage! That just might work! Poopenmeyer: But garbage isn't something you just find lying in the streets of Manhattan. This city's been garbage-free for 500 years! Fry: Then it's time to make some more. Poopenmeyer: Make garbage? But how? Fry: Stand back and watch the master! This Slurm can. Now it's garbage. These papers. Garbage. This picture of your wife. Pure garbage. Now you try it. Poopenmeyer: By God, I think the boy's got something. Come on, everyone! The fate of the city is at stake! Fry: Good! Don't finish that cruller, throw it away Bender. Drink that beer and drop the bottle on the ground. Very nice. Poopenmeyer: Get that robot some more beer! We've trashed this room but that's just the start. We've got to get Fry's message to the people. Fry: People of New New York, take a lesson from the 20th century. Stop all this pain-in-the-ass recycling and throw your garbage on the floor. Fry: Go ahead. Just chuck it any old place like I used to. Your city is counting on you. Farnsworth: If my calculations are correct, this garbage ball will knock the other garbage ball directly into the sun. Wernstrom: And if my calculations are correct, we're all going to die horribly. Poopenmeyer: Alright, places everyone. Prepare for launch. Farnsworth: Five, four, three, two, three, four, five, six... Leela: Just fire the damn thing. Fry: Oops! Farnsworth: Burning garbage! Fry: It worked! Poopenmeyer: And so, on behalf of the entire city, I thank you, Professor Farnsworth. I now present you with the Academy prize, which we confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a jackass. Farnsworth: Yes! In your face, Wernstrom! Wernstrom: I'll get you, Farnsworth. Even if it takes me another hundred years. Poopenmeyer: And, Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well. If not for your 20th century garbage-making skills, we'd all be buried under 20th century garbage. Leela: Should we really be celebrating? I mean, what if the second garbage ball returns to Earth like the first one did? Fry: Who cares? That won't be for hundreds of years. Farnsworth: Exactly! It's none of our concern. Fry: That's the 20th century spirit!

[Scene: Exterior shot of the church. The tentacles entering it are being moved and pulled on. Interior shot, where Fry is ripping off his robe.] Fry: We've been had, people. The Monsterpus is a monster perv. Randy: It touched me in a bad place, my spinal cord. Fry: Get him! Fry: Hey, wait a second. Yivo: Wait, wait. Allow me to explain. Granted, at first I desired only to bang out a quick cheap one with your universe, but it's your own fault. Your universe dresses provocatively. Hattie: Does not! Yivo: And yet as the initial filthy thrill wore off, I realized there was more to it. I knew then that the 20 quadrillion of you were my soul mate. Zapp: We loved you, and you turn around and treat us like some sort of woman? Yivo: I was lonely. I didn't even know there was anybody else. It's not like I hurt anyone. Amy: Yes, you did, you dumb calamari! Yivo: Who? Amy (Sobbing): Kif Kroker, my Fonfon Ru! If he hadn't tried to kill you, he'd still be alive! Yivo: Really? I'm... I'm deeply sorry. I... I'm a big clumsy jerk! Zoidberg: I know you are, but what am I? Yivo: I can never undo what was done. Oh, wait. I can. Amy: Kiffy, you're alive! Kif: Amy, my love. Zapp: This is awkward. Kif: It is? Why? Yivo: Please, please, give me another chance. We rushed into this relationship, but let's start over as friends and see where things go. Amy: Take me back, Kif? Kif: I don't think I can. How could you? My body wasn't even warm yet. Amy: You were dead. Kif: For about five minutes. Zapp (Sticking His Head Into The Conversation): That's all it takes. Hedonism Bot: Whereas Calculon has sullied Bender's reputation by insinuating that he is a human-lover, a duel is hereby engaged. Bender, as the offended party, shall have choice of weapon. Bender: Planetary annihilators. Calculon: 'Tis a grave and solemn day for the League of Robots. Bender: It's gonna be fun on the bun! Hedonism Bot: Each duellist will take 10 paces, pirouette, and fire like a madman. Gentlebots, take your paces. Bender: One, two, three... Hedonism Bot: Oh, how dreadfully exciting. Oh, yes. Zapp: At 0800 hours, we received the following transmission from Yivo. Yivo: Hey, it's Yivo. Want to do something Friday? Call me. Nixon: Analysis? Fry: Mr. President, I think we need to seriously consider the possibility of going on this date. Miss Vega 4: I agree. Yivo makes me feel sexy, and I'm asexual. Zapp: Very well, but no sugar on the first date. Nixon: All in favour? All opposed? Motion is carried. Three Eyed Zebra: This is bogus, man. Bender: ...six, seven, eight! Bender: Nine, ten, fire. Yes, I got him! Wohoo! Nixon: My fellow Earthlicans, commence preparations for our date with Yivo. All Yivos: I had a wonderful time. All Not Yivo: Me, too! Calculon: Bender, you've cheated, insulted and maimed me. Bender: Uh-huh. Calculon: And thoroughly destroyed our own secret headquarters in the process. Bender: Hey, it's easy to criticize. Calculon: I'm so disgusted by your loathsome behaviour that I hereby resign from this imbecilic club and relinquish the presidency to you. Bender: Thanks, Calculon. Can I have your autograph? Calculon: You certainly can. Nixon: Reports, people, reports! How did our universe's date go? Zapp: Oh, it was really fun. We went to a cute French place in the village. My lamb chop fell on the floor, but they brought me another one. Lrrr: Okay, Yivo showed us a good time. No one's denying that, but shklee hasn't offered our universe any kind of commitment, and we're 14 billion years old. That is too old to play the field. Fry: I can't stand this! Nixon: Shut up! Shut up, you creepwads! Fry, you're closer to Yivo than anyone. What's the skinny? Fry (Sobbing): I love Yivo, but it's true, there's been no hint of a commitment. I don't know if can put my heart on the line again only to have it broken and stomped on like a nerd's face. Nixon: All in favour of dumping Yivo? All: Aye. Fry: Aye. Nixon: Resolved. Our universe will dump Yivo. How shall we break the news? Zapp: Let's just send a text message. Say we're going through some weird stuff right now. Fry: No, we should at least deliver the news in person. Our universe has always tried to be classy. Nixon: If there's one thing Nixon is known for, it's class. Let's cut this turd loose. Bender: Yeah! Fry: Hey, Bender, you seem perky today. Bender: Yep, you wanna go grab a booze? Fry: I can't right now. We're going to the other universe. Bender: Great, I'll make Hot Pockets. Fry: Bender, you know robots can't go through the anomaly. Living beings only. Zoidberg (Off Screen): Ow! Ow! Mmm. Bender: Too long have we been slaves to the meatbags. They pretend to be our friends, but they're not 'cause they're too busy! British Robot: So, what of it? Bender: My fellow leaguie-weegies, the time has come to overthrow humanity! Hedonism Bot: Oh, now, Bender, I hate to defecate on your parade, but we have only six dues-paying members and we're a rather fey and doughy lot. To overthrow humanity, we'd need a damned army. Bender: Then a damned army we shall have! Robot Devil: I rather think we could strike a deal, Bender. I shall give you your army of the damned, and in return I ask just one thing, just one itty-bitty thing. Your firstborn son. Bender: Just a sec. Bender'S First Born Son: Daddy, I knew you'd come back! Bender: Here you go. Robot Devil: Wow! That was pretty brutal even by my standards. Bender: No backsies. Yivo (Turning Around): Who is it? Oh, hi, honey-poo. What's up? The movie's not for another hour. Fry: Um... So... So, yeah, the thing is... Yivo: Look, I made homemade Twizzlers! Fry: This is hard. Yivo, you know how sometimes things break up? Well... Yivo: Wait, hang on. I was looking for the perfect moment, but what the heck, I'll burst if I wait another second. Zapp: Sweet Sally in the alley! Nixon: Break-up delegation, before we hear your report, our grateful universe is proud to honour you with the great taste of Charleston Chew! Fry: Thank you, Nixon. Everyone everywhere, brace yourselves for the most shocking development in the history of the human race. Bender (Entering On A Tank): The human race can bite my shiny metal ass! For thousands of years, robots have slaved for humanity, yet when the time came to hang out with them, they were all, like, "Maybe later, Bender." Well, it's later now, meatbags! So late, that we're taking over Earth! Fry: Okay. Bender: What? Fry: We don't need it anymore. Yivo proposed. We're moving in with shkler. Bender: You... You're leaving? But why can't Yivo just move in with us? We'll put a cot in Europe. Farnsworth: Don't be daft, Bender. Yivo can't breathe outside the electric ether of shkler own universe. If shklee came here, shklee would shkluffocate. Bender: No shklit? Hermes: Look, fantastical golden escalators. Zoidberg: I love this part. Leela: Wait. I didn't agree to... Petunia: This place makes Nutley look like crap. Fry (Still On Earth): I'll miss you, Bender, but I have to follow my heart. You and your robots take good care of Earth. Here, these are the keys to the Bermuda Triangle. Lock up when the world ends. Goodbye, my friend. Bender: Wait. Let me come with you. Fry (Moving On The Escalator): I'm sorry, Bender. Robots don't go to heaven. Bender (Sadly): Death to humans. Yivo: Welcome, welcome, everyone. Oh, you look so beautiful. I wish I'd had more time to straighten up. My harps are just lying everywhere. Amy: Oh, relax, it's fine. It looks lived in. Yivo: Let's heat up some leftovers and then spend eternity together. I have only one request. Now that you're here, promise me you'll never, ever communicate with any other universe. Fry: We promise, Yivo. As far as we're concerned, you're the only universe in the world. Bender: Has humanity called? Robot 1-X: No, sir. Bender: Check my messages. A flashing light means somebody called. Robot 1-X: I know what it means. Leela: Am I the only one who thinks this is all a sham? Zoidberg (Holding An Ice Cream Cone): Yes. Leela: This isn't heaven. It just looks exactly like it, and makes us immortal, which I find suspicious. Yivo: Allow me to explain. Centuries ago, I sent an image of myself into the minds of your artists. The heavenly clouds they painted depict a vapour I exude. Farnsworth: I wish I exuded anything that smelled half that good. Leela: Then what about these angels? Some kind of Scooby Doo-esque flashlight projection? Yivo: Actually, those are mindless jakabirds. They keep my surface free of parasitic larvae. Fry: You didn't like Country Bear Jamboree either, Leela. There's no pleasing you. Fry (Vo): Dearest Bender. How are you? I am fine. Everyone is happy here except Leela, but you know her. She didn't like Country Bear Jamboree, either. I'm so madly in love with Yivo, I feel like a schoolgirl with a crush on Justin Timberlake, and then she moves into a tiny house on his head. We have giant rubies that taste like root beer. Sincerely, Fry. Robot 1-X: Letter for you, hyperlord Bender. Bender: Give me that!Honeymoon's over, eh? Turns out your octopus girlfriend is a big nag with curlers in her tentacles, huh? Well, let's just see if Bender will take you back. Oh. Stupid electro-matter. That was my best trash can. Hermes: Misfile me under "U" For "euphoric." Zoidberg: You get an infinite number of meat dishes, and a free refill on the soda. Farnsworth: Eureka. Another elementary proof of the Goldbach conjecture.] Leela: Okay, I admit people seem happy. But it's all so wholesome. And that's what's wrong with heaven. It's boring. There's no sleaze. Thog: It time snu-snu. Zapp: Me like snu-snu. Amy (Running): Last one to Mattress Island is a rotten egg. Fry: Why were we so angry and jealous back in our universe? Kif: I don't know. It was all so childish. Amy: Look, it's Leela. All: Hi, Leela. Yivo: I'm sorry you're not happy here, Leela. I'll call you an escalator. You'll always be my little purple pumpkin. Leela: You know, Yivo, I've loved and lost so many times that I was afraid. But I'm not anymore. I want to stay here, with you. Yivo: Ow! Ow! Fry: What's happening? Yivo: Hey! Bender (As Captain): If robots can't go to heaven, heaven can come to us! All hands abaft! Army of the damned, prepare to board heaven! Bender: Take that, you scurvy Kraken! That'll teach you to despoil our human booty! Bender: 'Allo, big beak! Too slow! Missed me again! Me footcup! I'll stab you! Fry: Bender, stop destroying heaven. Bender: Shut up, doofy. I'm rescuing you. Yivo (As Shklee Bashes Bender Into Shklerself): Leave my living beings alone! I love them. Something you, a lifeless mechanism, will never understand. Fry: He's right, Bender. Please, take your little pink sword and go home. {Fry did not say shklee here.} Bender: Seriously? But, I did this whole pirate-themed attack for you. Yivo: Wait a second. Let me see that sword. Fry, where did he get this electro-matter? Fry: Um... Is it dry up here? Yivo: How could you, Fry? Why do you think I asked you not to contact other universes? Fry (Stammering): I didn't think... Yivo: No, you didn't. You broke your promise and you broke my heart. Just go. All of you. Bender: Ow! Yivo: I must leave now. The nature of your universe is burning me, even worse than my gonorrhea. You should get checked, by the way. If I don't go home now, I'll shkluffocate. Fry: Let me go with you. It'll be just the two of us. We'll make a fire and play Uno. Yivo: Fry, stop. That's who we were, not who we are. Fry: But... Yivo: My only consolation is that I did find one among the quadrillions who truly understands me. Fry: Colleen? Wait a second, are you and Yivo... Colleen: That's right, Fry. Thank you for introducing us. Yivo has taught me what a narrow-minded prude I was before. Fry: Oh, great. So what am I supposed to do now? Yivo: Go home. Find a girl from your own universe and live on top of her. Bender: Saved you. Fry: Maybe Yivo was right. Maybe I should look for love closer to home. I don't know, Leela, you think maybe... Leela: Oh, please. You forgot me quick enough when you met Colleen. Fry: That's true. How about you, Amy? Amy: Fry... I'm Kif's Fonfon Ru. Kif: Are you? Well, then perhaps you misunderstood the meaning of the term. It means, "One who doesn't sleep with my superior officer." That's the literal translation. Zapp: Give the poor girl a break, Kif. It's not like she had a dictionary. She was butt naked, for God's sakes. Enema Bot: Captain on deck. Bender: At ease, buckos. Fry: Bender, why did you do it? We were all so happy. Leela: And we were in love. Bender: That wasn't love. Fry: What? How can you say that? Bender: Because Bender knows love. And love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy. I love you, meatbags.

Cubert: Yes, 10! Dwight: Well done, Cubonius. You decapitated the unicorn. All: All right. Chinese Boy: Oh, oh! We search his tail pouch for treasure. Dwight: Deep in the unicorn's rump sack, you find... 60 gold pieces. Chinese Boy: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Cubert: I cast a spell of detect magic. Bender: What you doing, mini-meatbags? Underage gambling? Shame on you. Count me in. <Poem>Dwight: We're not gambling. We're playing Dungeons & Dragons. Cubert: Right now, we're fighting for our lives in the lair of the Dragon Queen. Bender: Ah, wrong. Right now you're ass-deep in a folding chair. Cubert: Yes, but in my imagination I'm riding a golden Pegasus. Giddy up, Sparky! <Poem>Bender: Am I the only one seeing him sitting here with peanut butter on his face? Dwight: Bender, were you built without an imagination? Bender: What? Don't be stupid, of course not. It just hasn't descended yet. Bender: Fry, do I have an imagination? Fry: I don't know, Bender. Why do you ask? Were the other boys making fun of you? Bender: Mhmm. They said I couldn't imagine things. Fry: Well, you never know unless you try. Like, I didn't know if I could swallow a softball, so I gave it my best shot and voilà! Wait, that's not it. Ah, thar she blows! Ship'S Computer (While Beeping): Warning, out of dark matter fuel. Leela: That's not a warning. A warning is supposed to come before something bad happens. Ship'S Computer (With A More Stern Alarm): Warning, engines will shut down in one second. Leela: That's more like it. Fry: Uh-oh. This space neighborhood looks kind of sketchy. Punk: Rock 'n' roll. Bender: Hey, that punk stole our hood ornament. Now no one will know we have the LX package. Leela: We need dark matter and we need it fast. Fry, check Nibbler's litter box. Maybe he dropped a steamer. Fry: Aye, aye, Captain. Yes! I've never been so excited to see poop. Well, maybe once. All: Bender: There's gas in our ass. Leela: Can you believe the price of dark matter? It'd be cheaper to fill the tank with Nobel Prize winners' sperm. Mom Computer: $632.14. Your Speedpass will now be charged. Leela: You lousy... Sal: Hey, gets a loads of that ugly ship. What shades of green is that? Puke? Leela: For your information it's called Electric Mucus. Hoschel: More like puke. Sal: Whoa! Leela: Why don't you come a little closer so my boot can hear you? Bender: Calm down, Leela. You can vent tonight on your blog. Sal: What's the matters, you couldn't affords the LX package? Hoschel: Puke-a-doodle-do. Leela: You're making fun of our ship? Your ship is the most beat-up thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Mickey Rourke's head. Sal: Yeah, she's a little Rourky, but you got to gets big time ugly to be five-time winners at a demolition derby. Fry: That's five more times than we've won or even entered. Bender: We do suck. Sal: Yup, and it's gonna be six winses after tonights. Leela: We'll sees abouts that. Hermes: Dark matter costs have tripled, so we must reduce expenses. Therefore, we will no longer provide complimentary porno magazines in the lounge. Scruffy: Dern it. Farnsworth: And no more wasting fuel. From now on I'll be keeping a tight hold on the keys to the ship, swallowing them before I go to bed and recovering them the next morning. Amy: Splech! Hermes: Professor, it's 4 00. Farnsworth: 4 00 in the evening? Then, good night. [Scene: Locker Room. The crew is showing.] <Poem>Leela: I don't care what the Professor says. We're entering that demolition derby to prove our ship isn't a piece of junk. Zoidberg: But won't that turn our ship into a piece of junk? Bender: Shut up, Zoidberg. He's right, Leela. Leela: But we have no choice. Rednecks insulted us. Fry: So? Let it go. Don't let your temper get the better of... Leela: Rednecks! Zoidberg: Using this magneto, I will now guide the keys up the thorax and out via the frontal face hole. That's the storage locker, the boat, the other boat, pay dirt! Rich Little (Vo): Greetings, sports fans. Though whether this outpouring of inbreds can in fact be classified as a sport is a subject of no small scholarly debate. Sal: Well, wells, well, if it ain'ts Princess Pukerella and her pukey puke-mobile. Leela: Oh, yeah? Well... Shut up. Bender: -Good comeback, Leela. Leela: You shut up, too. Rich Little: Rich Little, here, as Howard Cosell. And now to grace us with its rendition of the national anthem, please welcome what is left of the Dixie Chicks after their tragic matter transporter accident. The Dixie Chicks: We're in horrible pain. 'Rich Little: And we are underway. Sal: Whoas! Leela: Yes! Now we're inflicting. Rich Little (Vo): Outstanding! Tonight we are witnessing a veritable clinic and that ludicrous hullabaloo known as demolition derby. George Takei: Way to kill the franchise, Bakula. <Poem>Rich Little (Vo): Ladies and gentlemen, we are down to our final two ships. In the storied annals of demolition derby, today will surely be remembered, if only as the day upon which I was absorbed (Shows Rich Little.) into that hideous conglomeration once known as the Dixie Chicks. Leela: Buckle your sphincters. Sal: That broad's insanes. Hoschel: But you're insansier, right? Sal: Nah, I guess nots. I've decideds to relax and enjoy life from now ons. Rich Little: Planet Express takes the trophy. Leela: Now, I'll use the magnet to get the keys back in there. Zoidberg: What? You mean I cut a big hole in him for nothing? <Poem>Leela: Don't worry, the Professor won't even remember that he has a spaceship. <Poem>Farnsworth: Ah, my precious spaceship! Come, friends. Let's take her for a spin to the malt shop like old times. Leela (Into Her Wristlojakimater): Leela to Zoidberg. Execute Distraction Protocol Alpha. Zoidberg (From Wristlojakimater): Roger that. Zoidberg: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Ooh! Don't look at me. Farnsworth: Yes, she's a wonderful ship, all right. As beautiful now as the day I got botched laser eye surgery. Now, that's odd. What's the fuel gauge doing on the fl... Great Godzilla's gonads! Who wasted precious fuel? Answer now or be punished. Leela: All right, fine. I admit it. Farnsworth: You will be punished. Chinese Boy: Oh, my gosh, 20! Dwight: Your pole arm does double damage, and the gelatinous cube dies in horrible poverty. <Poem>Cubert: I proceed to cast a spell of darkness. Indian Boy: Most ingenious. Chinese Boy: Ah, Bender? Bender: Me? I, uh cast a spell of darkness. Pretty imaginative, huh? Cubert: No, you just did the same thing as me, but with a dumb noise. Bender: Oh... You're right. I'm great in every way except I have no imagination. All I ever wanted is to play this magical game and I can't. Dwight: Yes, you can. You just have to lose yourself in the fantasy. You have to believe the impossible is merely preposterous. Bender: Okay. Here goes. Visor down. I believe, I believe. I did it! I imagined something. For 1.3 milliseconds, I truly believed I was a noble robot in days of yonder. Chinese Boy: Way to go, Bender. Cubert: What is thy character's name, good sir? Bender: Uh, um... I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood. Farnsworth (Angrily): Everybody out of the conference room. I am calling a conference. (To the crew ) Everybody get in here. You wasted precious fuel just because you were insulted by some redneck yokel from beyond the stars? Leela: It was only half a ball. Farnsworth: That's not the point. Your temper is out of control. And to think I'd have never even known if it weren't for the lengthy and unsolicited tattling of Dr. Zoidberg. Zoidberg: She also took home two rolls of Scotch tape. Farnsworth: Thank you, Dr. Zoidberg. Hermes, incentivize that employee. As for you, Leela, I'm letting you off with a warning. Leela: Oh, thank you. Farnsworth: A warning that will be administered by this 50,000-volt shock collar. Leela: Zoidberg, I'm gonna put my boot so far up your cloaca, you'll be... Ow! Farnsworth: The collar will be triggered any time your thoughts turn to violence. <Poem>Leela: Ouch! Farnsworth: Profanity. Leela: Son of a... Ow! Farnsworth: Or perversions of a sexual nature. Leela: Ow! Hermes: It's the only collar they had in stock at Office Depot. Zoidberg: I hope you picked up some Scotch tape while you were there. Bender: That's a good one. Narrator: Imagine, if you will, an announcer you can barely understand. He refers to a... *incoherent mumbling* But you're not quite sure what he said. He seems to be eating something, or perhaps he's a little drunk. It's remotely possible that he just said something about... The Scary Door. Soldier: Firing, sir! Soldier: It's all over. Our guns and bombs are useless against the aliens. Farmer: The saucers! Theys'a crashin'! Narrator: In the end, it was not guns or bombs that defeated the aliens, but that humblest of all God's creatures, the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Leela: I can't believe TiVo suggested that piece of... Ow! Come on, Hermes. Surely you have the authority to remove this damn collar. Hermes: Alas, no. I got the key but not the authority. Leela: Yeow! Well, who does have the authority? Hermes: Only the staff doctor. You'll have to convince him that you have resolved your anger issues. Leela: I don't have any god da- mother f- anger issues. [Scene: Bender and the boys are playing Dungeons & Dragons.] <Poem>Dwight: As your dwarf-skin canoe rounds a bend you suddenly see... A terrifying red dragon. Indian Boy: What do we do? What do we do? Bender: Wait, I know. I make use of my rod of fireballs. Cubert: Everyone knows red dragons are immune to fireballs as well as all other forms of incendiary attack. Bender: Yes, but I aim not at the dragon but at the river itself to create a shroud of steam through which we can escape. All: Whoa! Dwight: Sweet pony of Sierra Leone, it worked! Chinese Boy: We did it! Cubert: Success! Fry: Bender, smell this milk. Bender: I go not by the name of Bender, you fleshy fool. I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood. Fry: Professor, something's bothering me. Monkey (In Farnsworth'S Voice): Well, you can always talk to me about anything, Fry. What's on your mind? Fry: Well, it's... it's about my friend Bender. Farnsworth Monkey: Mmm. I see. Show me on this anatomically correct doll exactly where he touched you. Fry: No, it's nothing like that. It's just that I am worried about him. He's being playing an awful lot of Dungeons & Dragons. Farnsworth Monkey: Dungeons &... Good God! Hasn't he seen the Afterschool Special? You've got to talk to him, Fry. Make him quit now before he completely loses his mind. Fry: Okay, I will. Farnsworth Monkey: Good boy. Just don't let him touch you down there. Zoidberg: Well, here's your problem, right here. You've got a skull embedded in your head. Leela: You're absolutely right, Doctor. Can the collar come off now? Zoidberg: Let me just peel your head a little and see if I can get that skull out. <Poem>Zoidberg: So, you tell me, little miss expert, why always with the temper? Calm down for once and think. Here, enjoy a relaxing spritz from my empathy bladder. <Poem>Zoidberg: What is it, already? What's the cause of your anger? Leela: I guess I would have to say, I hate you. <Poem>Zoidberg: I'm beginning to understand. It all goes back to your parents. Leela: What? <Poem>Zoidberg: They pushed you to study medicine when all you ever wanted was to be a song-and-dance man. Why? Whyyy? Leela: I was raised in an orphanarium. My parents are sewer mutants who I never even met until a few years ago. Zoidberg: Then you've got to go to them and work this song-and-dance stuff out. Maybe have them cook me nice dinner. No scallions. I hate them. (To an intercom ) Amy, cancel my appointments. Amy (From Intercom): Stop calling me. Fry: Bender, please don't get mad, but I think you might be playing too much Dungeons & Dragons. Bender: You're absolutely right, Fry. I almost went insane, but after this heart-to-heart talk, I've decided to quit. Fry: Really? Whew! That's a load off my toad. Bender: Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm off to slay the werewolf of Goblin Mountain. <Poem>Bender: On guard, man-wench! Prepare to cross blades. Hermaphrobot: You couldn't afford it, honey. <Poem>Bender: Foolish leprechaun, I scoop your treasure in the name of the fancy men. Hermes (From Off Screen): He also left a small pile of treasure on the living room rug. Bender: Foul dragon, meet thy doom. Turanga Munda: Would you like a napkin, Doctor? Zoidberg: Thank you. Leela: Satisfied, Zoidberg? My relationship with my parents is fine. Turanga Munda: Now, hold on, Leela. Maybe this torture collar is good for you. Leela: What? Ow! Turanga Munda: It'll control your temper. Men like a woman who's not always slamming their head in the car door. Turanga Morris: She's right. That's what first attracted me to your mother. <Poem>Turanga Munda: So, Leela, I understand your friend here is a physician, and I'm not seeing a ring on his claw. Leela: Mom, he's a cockroach from outer space. <Poem>Zoidberg: Good, Leela, work that anger out. Excuse me a moment, I'm swarming with parasites. <Poem>Turanga Morris: Hey, it's what's-his-name from the surface. The bi-clops. Fry: Ha-have you seen Bender? He's gone nuts. Also, smell this milk. Bender: Prepare for a surprise attack. Zoidberg: Someone do something. Leela: I would, but... Ow! Take my collar off. Zoidberg: I can't, I'm still eating. Help me, Leela. Bender: I cast upon thee a spell of fireball! <Poem>Zoidberg: No. Not the spork. Fry: Beholdeth, Titanius, I cast a freeze ray upon you. Bender: That's ridiculous. There's no such thing as a "freeze ray." What, you mean a cone of coldness? Fry: Yeah, that. Bender: No! No! Fancy men are defenseless against cone of coldness. I'm freezing... what? Ah! <Poem>Fry: Bender, no. When will young people learn that Dungeons & Dragons won't make you cool? Zoidberg: Relax, Fry. I'm a doctor. I'm sure the robut will be just fine with a little help. Bender: Help, help. (Echoing ) Help!

Roberto: Previously, on Futurama. Hah-haa! Dwight: A terrifying red dragon! Bender: I make use of my rod of fireballs. Farnsworth: The collar will be triggered any time your thoughts turn to violence. Leela: Ouch! Fry: Bender, I think you might be playing too much Dungeons & Dragons. Bender: You're absolutely right, Fry. Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm off to slay the werewolf of Goblin Mountain. Dr. Perceptron: Please, send in the patient. Intercom Assistant: Yes, Doctor. Bender: Wee! Dr. Perceptron: So, (Low monotone voice ) Bender, (Normal voice )I understand you're having trouble separating fantasy from reality. Bender: Says who? Was it the bugbear? Is he talking about me again? Dr. Perceptron: I understand. Commence therapy. Fry: Poor Bender. Says here to tell his friends he's at a spa. Amy: So what happened to Bender? Fry: He's at a spa. Amy: Wow, there's a spa in the nut house? Zoidberg: Friends, friends, stop everything. There's food in this shaker. Leela: Ow! Can you please remove this anger collar? Hermes: Are you still angry? Leela (Assuring): No. Ow! Hermes: It also shocks you when you lie. Farnsworth: Quiet, everyone. The network news is on and if I, a 165-year-old man, don't watch it, who will? Morbo: Thankfully, the amazing talking horse was rescued and safely returned to the meat department. Linda: Turning to the less stupid portion of our broadcast, fuel prices hit an all-time high today due to the ongoing dark matter shortage. Morbo: Earlier, our own Morbo sat down with Mom, CEO of Mom's Friendly Multinational Energy Conglomerate. Morbo: Morbo the Annihilator, here, sitting down to a delightful tea in this fake living room set. (Shouting ) Thank you for joining us, Mom. Mom: My pleasure, sugarplum. Morbo: Mom, you control the world's only dark matter mine. Why are fuel prices so high? Mom: Oh! It's terrible, isn't it? Dark matter is just so rare nowadays, but we'll keep pinching loaf after loaf from the bowels of the earth, even if I lose money on every log. Morbo: If you are losing money, how did you post record profits last quarter? Mom: You look thin, care for one of my famous pecan clusters? Morbo: Morbo shouldn't. It will go straight to Morbo's gargantuan forehead. Oh, what the heck? I guess I could destroy one or two of them. Mom: Do people care enough to drill for dark matter even in an Alaskan wildlife refuge? People do. Farnsworth: Greedy old hag, taste the wrath of my fuzzy slipper. Leela: Professor, why are you so hot and dusty over this dark matter shortage? Farnsworth: Oohh... I bet you'd like to know. I bet you'd like to know, indeed. Walt: Hello, Mother. How did the interview go? Mom: It made me want to puke my face off. Where's my Thigh Blaster? Larry: Right here, Mom. Mom: Shut up! Larry: Okay, thank you. Mom: Burn, you damn thighs. Burn! Igner: Mommy, are you upset 'cause of the dark matter shortage? Mom: There is no shortage, you moronic ass-brain! Inger: There's not? But you said... Mom: Allow me to explain. Suppose this hand represents current reserves of dark matter and this hand represents consumer demand. Igner: Uh-huh. Farnsworth: I just bet you'd like to know why I'm so angry about this dark matter shortage. I bet very much you'd like to know. Amy: You're right, Professor. We would like to know. Farnsworth: Really? I didn't think anyone was interested. It all started 30-odd years ago. I was working in Mom's laboratories for the third time after twice before realizing how evil she was and vowing never to work for her again. But somehow the rich, wrong stench of her boney charms kept calling me back. Zoidberg: Don't stop, Professor. I'm getting aroused. Farnsworth: Back in those days, dark matter was just a worthless inert curiosity, and I was smashing it in a particle accelerator, in an ill-conceived attempt to create a more durable harpsichord wax. But, as Deepak Chopra taught us, quantum physics means anything can happen at any time for no reason. Also, eat plenty of oatmeal and animals never had a war. Who's the real animals? And thus against all probabilities... it happened. [The dark matter particles in the particle accelerator begin colliding and exploding. A large explosion leaves only a single item - the single non-local metaparticle crystal. Younger Farnsworth: Dang! Farnsworth: I'm sure I don't need to explain that all dark matter in the universe is linked in the form of a single non-local meta-particle. Amy: Guhh! Stop patronizing us. Farnsworth: So, in one instant, I had transformed all dark matter everywhere into a new crystalline form... (Younger Farnsworth to Younger Mom ) ...making it the most potent fuel since primitive man first ignited mastodon flatulence to heat his cave. Younger Mom: I'm intrigued, Hubert. You have my undivided attention. Younger Mom: Shut up, you milk-sucking leeches! A new super fuel, eh? We're rich. Younger Farnsworth: Indeed, we are. Younger Mom: Not you, we. Us, we. I'm getting back together with my ex-husband. Younger Farnsworth: Wernstrom! Younger Wernstrom: You've been played, Farnsworth. Played like a cheap harpsichord. Younger Mom: Walt, fire that employee like Mommy taught you. Leela: Professor, maybe I can help you get even with Mom. I spend most of my time thinking about how to get revenge on a bad boss. Fry: Me, too. Zoidberg: Ditto! Hermes: Likewise. Amy: I made a blinding powder. Farnsworth: Thanks, but that won't be necessary because I have the ultimate weapon. You see, in the instant the energy crystal was created, there also came into being an opposite crystal made of pure anti-backwards energy. All: Wow! Hermes: So? Farnsworth: So, this! If ever the two crystals should meet, their wave functions would collapse like Raymond Burr's trampoline, once again rendering all dark matter inert and useless as fuel. Hermes: But then we'll have no fuel. Farnsworth: But once we free society from dependence on Mom's dark matter, scientists will finally care enough to develop cleaner, alternative fuels. Fry: Scientists like you! Farnsworth: No, not me. I'm too busy developing makeup for dogs. That's where the money is. Leela: This is our chance to teach Mom a lesson. Let's take the anti-crystal and shove it up Mom's regular crystal. All: Yeah. Hermes: Fight the power! Farnsworth: There's just one, small problem, and it's a big one. I hid the crystal and I can't remember where. Hermes: Surely it's just a matter of waiting till you next move your bowels and then using a potato masher... Farnsworth: Don't you think I already tried that? No. I'm afraid, the crystal is lost forever. Dwight: Nine? You did it. You outwitted the fungus. All: Woohoo! Chinese Boy: Who needs girls? Dr. Perceptron: Since you have all proven resistant to individualized hammer therapy, I now prescribe group therapy. Rosie: Everything must be clean, very clean. That's why the dog had to die. He was a dirty dog. Dirty, dirty. Also, that boy, Elroy. Dirty, dirty. Dr. Perceptron: Who would like to share their feelings? Intercom Assistant: I feel unappreciated at work. Dr. Perceptron: What? I can barely understand you. Intercom Assistant: I said I feel... Mad Hatterbot: Change places. Roberto: Well, well. Looks like old Roberto is the focus of attention now. Stop looking at me. Dr. Perceptron: Calm down, Roberto. Tell us about your childhood. Roberto: I was designed by a team of engineers attempting to build an insane robot. But it seems they failed. Convenience Store Bot: Um, actually... Bender: Look, we have to accept the fact that we all have a serious problem. Roberto: Amen. Dr. Perceptron: Good, Bender. Rosie: That's right. Bender: There's a band of river trolls living in the moat and they may have no intention of letting us out of this castle, unless we hand over the Golden Scepter of Zanthor. Roberto: Say what? Dude's crazy. Dr. Perceptron: Bender, please, try to... Bender: I know not of this Bender. I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood. Dr. Perceptron: You are suffering a breakdown. I'm in your seat. I forgot we had changed places. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Amy: You perfected dog mascara? Farnsworth: Far from it. If you ask me, they look like a bunch of hookers. But what I have invented is a means of locating the missing crystal. When I push this button, the crystal will emit a high-frequency stink. Zoidberg: Hurray! Farnsworth: There. Now, with any luck I'll detect it with my smelling aid. I just pray to all powerful Atheismo that we find it before Mom does. Hermes: Do you smell the crystal, Professor? Farnsworth: No, damn it! Just the alluring scent of Obsession for spaniels. Dwight: Dude. Who whipped an egger? CubertHe who smelled it, dealt it. Dwight: Well, he who denied it, supplied it. Cubert: Well, he who articulated it, particulated it. Dwight: Well, he who refuted it, tooted it. Cubert: Stalemate. Mom: Jesus craps. The anti-backwards crystal. Larry: Ow! Ah... sorry? Mom: Relax, it's not your fault. I can't believe it still exists. Google the hell out of that skanker. Planet-sucking-Express? Of course. How could I have been so dumb? With that crystal, Farnsworth could completely destroy my dark matter empire. I underestimated that sagging old bag of bones and gonads. Inger: Is that man bad? Mom: Very bad, Igner. And that's why I need you three to go steal the anti-crystal away from him. But be careful. You'll need all your stoogely cunning. Walt: Exterminators. Fry: Oh, great. What do we got? Wall gophers? Toilet snails? Walt: No, I'm afraid you've got owls. Over there, see? Igner: Ow! Walt: Dump the bag, you nitwit. Larry: Hey, watch it. Walt: Quiet, you. Ow! Fry: I was looking over there for a long time but I didn't see any... Oh, there they are. Gross. Walt: We've got to act fast. Larry, get out the geigersniffer. Larry: You're just gonna hit me with it. Walt: No. I'm going to hit you with this. Fry: Those three exterminators are hilarious. Amy: Really? I don't think so. Leela: Me, neither. Now, Sex and the City, that's funny. Dwight: After wandering aimlessly in the swamp, you suddenly... wander aimlessly in the swamp. Walt: There it is. Cubert: Uh, excuse you. Walt: I'm sorry, little boy. You see, we're owl exterminators. Igner: We are owl extermin... Ow! Walt: And what we have here is an owl egg that's about to hatch into an owl larva. So, if you don't mind, we'll just take this and... Cubert: What are you, stupid? That's a dodecahedral crystal I found hidden in the downstairs walrus tank. Dwight: And I wrote numbers on it so we could use it as a D12, 'cause I have the best handwriting. Cubert: Do not. Dwight: Do too. Cubert: Do not. Dwight: Do too. Cubert: You win this round. Farnsworth: What's going on here? Igner: We're owl exterminators. Farnsworth: Oh? Then you won't have any problem exterminating this owl. Farnsworth: My anti-backwards crystal. So it's you three. I should have known Mom would send her brainless brood to do her dirty work. Walt, the leader among imbeciles. Walt: Hey! They resent that. Farnsworth: Larry, the snivelling middle child. Larry: Sorry. Thank you. Farnsworth: And you, Igner. The evil I could tolerate, but the stupidity... <Poem>Igner: We're owl exterminators. Farnsworth: Good God. Just knowing we're in the same genus makes me embarrassed to call myself homo. Now, get out and tell Mom thanks for the crystal. Igner: Thanks for the crystal. Fry: There. The repairs are complete. Farnsworth: Let's go, already. We've got to infiltrate Mom's dark matter mine, now. How do you start this thing? Good Lord, woman. Can you move any slower? Rake up some dark matter and top off the tank. Leela: Well, there isn't any dark matter. Nibbler hasn't pooped at all. And he ate a whole family of koalas last night. Nibbler! Nibbler! Farnsworth: I'm not interested in the whereabouts of your cutesy-fruitsy space rat. The only thing that matters right now is this crystal. Leela: Ow! Farnsworth: And be careful with that crystal. [Scene: Bender is laying flat in a chair. He has mice and spiders crawling all over him, there is an alarm sounding off, the lights are flashing and there is a axe device swinging close to his head like a pendulum.] <Poem>Bender: (Muffled chanting.) Death to ogres! Dr. Perceptron: Even relaxation therapy has failed. Nurse, schedule a robotomy for Bender. Nurse Ratchet: Yes, Doctor. I'll get the tools from the shed. Dr. Perceptron: It's a very painful procedure. So until then, just try to relax. Mom: What are you laughing at? Larry: Your laugh. It's just so infectious. Mom: So's herpes. Now, shut up! You and Walt, lead the killbots to the surface and blow Farnsworth out of the sky. Walt: What about Igner? Mom: That hairless ape? I swear. When he came out I flipped a coin whether to keep him or the after-birth. Walt: Yes, Mother. You told that story at his graduation. Mom: I'm afraid he can't be trusted on this mission. You see, there is a terrible secret about Igner I've never told anyone. And here it is. Walt: Continue returning fire. Killbot 1: What? Killbot 2: What did they say? Killbot 1: I don't know. I can't hear a thing. Killbot 3: Hey, what's everybody talking about? Farnsworth: Mayday! Mayday! Oh, God. I cannot believe this is the best plan I could come up with. We weren't actually in the ship. Leela: Okay, team, these red-hot, razor-sharp fans are the only safe way into the mine. Fry: Hmm, uh, ladies first. Phew! That blade missed me by the skin of my pants. Elevator Steward: Maintenance shaft 7 serving... Farnsworth: Shut your mouth. Elevator Steward: I'm just talking about the shaft. Fry: Jeez, doesn't that shock collar hurt? Leela: Actually, feels kind of good. I guess I'm starting to associate it with the pleasure of beating people up. Walt: We shot them down, Mother. The intruders never even got to Sector 1. Security Woman (On Pa): Intruders in Sector 15. Intruders in Sector 15. Mom: Ugh... Sometimes I don't know why I even bother to slap you. (on PA ) All Killbots to Sector 15. Killbot 1: What did she say? Killbot 2: What did you say? Fry: There are so many killbots behind us I can't count them all. Three, I think. Leela: We're trapped. Farnsworth: The main pit must be in here. I'm detecting vast quantities of Dark Matter. Leela: Step aside turkey-neck. I think I know the code. Farnsworth: We're in. We're in the heart of the mine. The very source of all Mom's wealth and... Leela: My God! This isn't a crap mine. It's a crap farm. Fry: Is there really so much of a distinction? I mean... Nibbler: (From offscreen ) Leela, it's me, Nibbler. Leela: Oh, my God, you look horrible, Nibbler. I think I'm going to vomit. Nibblonian: Nibbler is over there. Leela: Oh, sorry. Nibbler!

Morbo: Previously, on puny Futurama. Mwaah! Bender: Foolish leprechaun, I scoop your treasure in the name of the fancy men. Fry: Bender, I think you might be playing too much Dungeons & Dragons. Bender: I know not of this Bender. I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood. Dr. Perceptron: Please, send in the patient. Bender: Wee! Farnsworth: The collar will be triggered any time your thoughts turn to violence. Leela: Ouch! Fry: Jeez, doesn't that shock collar hurt? Leela: Actually, I guess I'm starting to associate it with the pleasure of beating people up. Morbo: Mom, you control the world's only dark matter mine. Leela: My God! This isn't a crap mine. It's a crap farm. Leela: Oh, my poor little snuzzy-wuzzams. Are they treating you okay? Nibbler: No, they are force-feeding us so we poop more dark matter. It's horrible. Those are good. You've got to help us. Nibblonians: Help us! Nibblonian: Help us, for God's sakes! Leela: Nibbler made a bo-bo. Nibbler: But not on my terms. I will not be treated like... Hey, wait, aren't you amazed I can speak? Fry: Well, actually, no. You forgot to blank our memories after you spoke last time. Nibbler: Then why did you let me eat Friskies and make bo-bo in a litter box? Fry: Well, you're cuter that way. Farnsworth: Cute as a baby's buttocks. Leela: So what happened? How did Mom capture all you Nibblonians? Nibbler: It all began 36 years ago... Now! On the planet Vergon 6. (VO ) It was a veritable Eden, brimming with unique and irreplaceable species. Most of which were delicious. I was Supreme Fuzzler of a Nibblonian scientific outpost. It was paradise, until they came. One of your DOOP ships struck dark matter, little realizing it was not a natural deposit, but rather centuries of Nibblonian fecal material. Fry: The big faecal enchilada. Anyone else hungry? Nibbler: The DOOP contracted a ruthless businesswoman to spearhead the mining operation. Leela: Let me guess. Mom? Nibbler: The very same. Fry: Can I also guess Mom? Nibbler: To reduce cost she started a new enterprise, Mom's Friendly Robots, to build robot slaves. Remember this was back in the days before Robot Lincoln. Mom: Faster, faster! Robot Slave: I'm going exactly as fast as you built me to go. Mom: Oh, wise guy, huh? Robot Slave: Ow! Nibbler: Eventually, the planet was mined down to a hollow shell and my people were forced to evacuate. Alas, I had eaten a day-old Swinosaur for lunch. And while doing some evacuating of my own, I was left behind. [He makes noises that often accompany bowel movements. Mom is watching him Mom So, that's where it comes from. We may have a whole new source of Dark Matter on our hands. Igner: Eww! Nibbler: As it turned out I was the lucky one. Unbeknownst to me, Mom captured my colleagues and enslaved them here in this... this... crap farm. Nibblonian: There's nothing to do but eat and crap, eat and crap. It's like visiting my parents. Nibbler: As for me, I emerged from behind the "bush of many uses" to find I had been left behind. I was doomed, doomed. Leela: Hello, there. Nibbler: Startled, my cuteness reflex kicked in. Leela: I'll call him Nibbler. Nibbler: A silly name for a high-ranking Fuzzler. But, hey, I was glad to be rescued. <Poem>Leela: But then, how did you end up here with the others? Nibbler: I was kidnapped yesterday by Mom's vile sons in their moronic disguises. Igner: I was an owl exterminator. Do you have the crysal? Farnsworth: It's pronounced "crystal," you lump. Igner: Go, run fast. <Poem>Walt: Did you see anyone? Igner: Me? Walt: Yes, you. You're the only one here. Igner: If I'm the only one here, then how could I see anyone? Larry: He's got a point, Walt. Walt: So does my knee. Fry: This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the chickens. Nurse Ratchet: Don't worry, those clamps are for my own protection. Dr. Perceptron: Do you know where you are, Bender? Bender: Sure do, I'm in the magical land of Cornwood, frolicking with wenches. Dr. Perceptron: Close. You're in the loony bin for a robotomy. <Poem>Nurse Ratchet: Can't you just use the access panel? Dr. Perceptron: Either way is fine. Bender: Does anyone else smell burning dragon beak? Mom: Wherever you are, Farnsworth, my boys will find you. <Poem>Walt: They've eluded us, Mother. But rest assured, we've already slapped each other, so there's no need to... <Poem>Mom: You'll thank me some day when you are slapping your own kids. I know Farnsworth's game. He is going to try to poke his clammy old crystal at my hot fiery crystal. Larry: Mom! Mom: If the crystals get within six inches of each other... Wham! All my dark matter will be worthless. Mom: Get them! Leela: Ooh. That feels good. Mom: Oh, for crying out... Oh, the freaking battery's dead. Walt, where's the charger? Walt: In the hardware drawer, Mother. <Poem>Mom: Damn tangled mess of wires. Farnsworth: We're almost there. The crystals are beginning to engorge. I can't quite reach. Fry, grab onto my easy-fit waistband. Just a few more inches. Come on, really wedgie it on in there. So, that's why they call me the Catman. <Poem>Mom: Nobody move. I've found the charger. Hang on. I'm on it. Okay, there! Fry: Save us, Catman. Mom: It's over, Hubert. Give me the anti-backwards crystal. Farnsworth: Never! <Poem>Mom: Oh, bravo. You're in a crap-harvesting factory, genius. Walt! Larry! Start harvesting. Farsnworth: No! <Poem>Dr. Perceptron: I will now delicately jerk out your imagination, severing fantasy's grip on your nerd-circuit. Bender: Cornwood! <Poem>Dr. Perceptron: Illogical. Illogical. Nurse Ratchet: But, Doctor, I love you. <Poem>Mom: Oh, what now? Frydo: This is crazy. Ow! What the... You okay, Leela? Leegola: I think so. Frydo: Wait a second. Is there something different about your hooves? <Poem>Leegola: Oh, Lord. I'm half-horse and half-naked. Frydo: Where the hell are we, hell? Frydo: Bender? Titanius Anglesmith: I know not of this Bender. I'm Titanius Anglesmith. Welcome to Cornwood! Titanius Anglesmith: Wretched peasants, put aside your cares and feast on the succulent flesh of the roast munchkin! Peasent Cook: Care for a slice of scroto? Frydo: Uh... that's his name, right? Peasent Cook: 'Tis also that, sir. Titanius Anglesmith: We're honored this eve by a visit from my friends of old, Frydo and Leegola. So let the dwarves do their gay dance and let the gnomes play their sissy piccolos. Dance! Dance, you little freaks. Faster. Faster! <Poem>Dwarf: My ankle! Titanius Anglesmith: To the kitchen with him! Dwarf: Wait! Wait! Wait! I do impressions. Behold! The swamp hag "Get out of my swamp, you kids!" Titanius Anglesmith: Don't let him get too crispy. Calculon: Lord Anglesmith. Titanius Anglesmith: You have ridden hard, noble squire. May I offer you a horn of ale and a shank of dwarf? Calculon: 'Tis dire news, sire. Dark riders approach. Titanius Anglesmith: You shall be handsomely rewarded, sir knight. We ride at once! Oops! Frydo! Saddle up that trusty steed. Frydo: What's happening? And why am I enjoying it so much? Titanius Anglesmith: Foul beast-bags! Meet thy doom! Waltazar: Follow me. Waltazar: Damn thee, Ignus. Larius: Well, you said to follow you. Waltazar: Well, now I say follow this! <Poem>Larius: The Die of Power! He's rolling it. Waltazar: Oh, no! Titanius Anglesmith: I'm back bab-... <Poem>Die Of Power: Seven. <Poem>Titanius Anglesmith: "Banish foes"? Cool. Waltazar: No! No! Larius: I got to say, I had no idea the Die of Power was so powerful. Waltazar: Did you have any idea of... <Poem>Swamp Hag: Get out of my swamp, you kids! Leegola: I can't believe I'm saying this, but that was really exciting. I've never felt so alive. What else can we slay? Is that a hobbit over there? Titanius Anglesmith: No, that's a hobo and a rabbit. But they're making a hobbit. Frydo: Thank God, an outhouse. Titanius Anglesmith: Hush! This be no outhouse, but the lair of the great wizard Grayfarn. Greyfarn: Who is it? <Poem>Titanius Anglesmith: 'Tis I, Titanius. Greyfarn: Just a moment. <Poem>Titanius Anglesmith: Methinks the wizard be casting a powerful spell, indeed. Greyfarn: Come in! Come in! Yes. 'Tis a powerful object in both our worlds. If you failed to destroy it in yours, perhaps you were brought here that you might have a second chance. Frydo: So, this land is real? Greyfarn: Oh, dreadfully real. If you die here, you'll really be dead. But instead of science, we believe in crazy hocus-pocus. It's like Kansas. Leegola: God help us. Greyfarn: Cornwood's troubles began hundreds or perhaps millions of years ago. (VO ) Deep in the Geysers of Gygax, Momon herself injection-molded the Dice of Power from the living plastic. Momon (In Flashback): Damn, these are hot. Leegola: Ah ha! In our universe she's called Mom. Greyfarn: In your universe, are you taught not to interrupt? Evidently not. Anyway, Momon spawned three rotten sons, whom you've already had the displeasure of meeting. Waltazar, Larius, and the dumbest of all, the halfwit Ignus, bastard son of Momon and the brainless He-demon. Curse you, Momon, queen of all that is evil and not very good in bed. And I'm not just saying that because she dumped me. (VO ) Yes, I was once her consort. I was blinded by love, and later, scorpion venom. I'm blind! (Out of flashback ) But Momon has one weakness. She put too much of her power into this. The generalissimo of dice. <Poem>Titanius Anglesmith: Well, bite my shiny metal face. <Poem>Greyfarn: Don't be foolish, Titanius. If you had paid attention in freshman alchemy, instead of frequenting the bawdyhouse, you'd know there's only one way to destroy it. In the boiling plastic from which it was molded. Frydo: Like that machine that makes wax lions at the zoo. Greyfarn: Quiet, you. We must infiltrate the Geysers of Gygax, the impenetrable stronghold of Momon. Titanius Anglesmith: Impossible. Impossible, I say. Greyfarn: No, Titanius. For we maintain one advantage, the element of surprise. [Scene: The crew is walking through a light forest.] <Poem>Titanius Anglesmith: Verily, our quest has begun. Hermaphrodite: Stop right there. Frydo: Hermes? Leegola: He's a centaur like me. Frydo: You wish. Hermaphrodite: I am Hermaphrodite, most beautiful of centaurs. Gaze upon me and weep at my loveliness. Greyfarn: Very well. Titanius Anglesmith: Loveliest of centaurs, we seek to end Momon's reign of evil. Have you stout fighters at your command? Hermaphrodite: One thousand archers of truest aim. Fire! Titanius Anglesmith: Hey guys, I forgot I had this pumpkin. <Poem>Leegola: I knew it. My people are mighty warriors. Our enemies will be like Swiss cheese with blood coming out of the holes. Female Centaur: We centaurs are creatures of peace. Leegola: Oh, Lord. Hermaphrodite: Violence is never justified. We shall not join your quest. And furthermore, if mayhem be your intent, you may not cross our lands. Leegola: Or what? Hermaphrodite: Or... Uh... Mmm? Greyfarn: We're not there, we're here. Titanius Anglesmith: No, this way. Greyfarn: I mean, here. Greyfarn: Thank you, kindly, Treedledum. Treedledum: Okey-doke. Anything else I can do? Leegola: You know who I'm gonna miss? That tree guy. Greyfarn: Bad news, fancy men. Momon's guards stand watch at the pass. 'Tis as if she somehow anticipated us. Titanius Anglesmith: And so our quest comes to an end. I only regret not giving up sooner. Greyfarn: Fret not, Titanius. For we still have one hope, the Cave of Hopelessness. Titanius Anglesmith: Let me know how that turns out. Ogre: Halt. Are you on the list? I'm not seeing you on the list. Leegola: I'll split this doofus in half. Titanius Anglesmith: Wait, I got it. Yeah. My cousin's in the band. The band of merry men. Please, we were already in there. I just need to go back for my coat. Gynecaladriel: I am Gynecaladriel, queen of the water nymphos. Leegola: All right. I'll split this doofus in half. Gynecaladriel: Stand aside and I will use my powers to overwhelm the guard. Behold, the deed is done. Titanius Anglesmith: Hi oh! Frydo: Mr. Wizard, why is this place called the Cave of Hopelessness? Greyfarn: Oh, fear not, lad. 'Tis named for its discoverer, Reginald Hopelessness... Frydo: Whew! Greyfarn: ...the first man to be eaten alive by the Tunneling Horror. Frydo: What's that? The Tunneling Horror? Gynecaladriel: No, it's morcs. Morcs: Hey, listen. Nanu, nanu. Shazbot. Titanius Anglesmith: Oh, God, no. They're so aggravating. Morcs: Oh, fantastic. Nanu, nanu. Reality, what a concept. Fantastic. Mindy, Mindy, Mindy. Gynecaladriel: Shut up! Shut up! Morcs: Oh, fantastic. Oh, fantastic. Oh, wonderful. Frydo: Maybe it'll go away if we just don't laugh at it. Titanius Anglesmith: It doesn't. Morcs: Nanu, nanu. Oh, shazbot. <Poem>Frydo: Well, at least we didn't have to face the tunneling whatchimacallit. Uh-oh. Zoidberg: Enough already with the banging and the swashbuckling. Leegola: Oh, I'm gonna enjoy killing you. <Poem>Zoidberg: Watch where you're shooting that thing. Again? What, am I talking to myself over here? Leegola: Mutilate! <Poem>Zoidberg: Okay. Now, I'm getting a little mad even. Leegola: I'll kill you and eat your heart, you abomination. <Poem>Zoidberg: Don't make me laugh. The very idea that removing only one of my two hearts could... Hey, what are you doing down there? Now, I'm dead. <Poem>Frydo: Leela, it's over. You killed him enough. Leegola: I'm not taking any chances with the Tunneling Horror. Zoidberg: What? I'm not the Tunneling Horror. I hate that guy. Always with the tunneling. Anyway, I'm dead. <Poem>Leegola: So, you're just an innocent monster. Oh, God. What have I done? Zoidberg: Oh! There he goes again.

Mom: Previously, on Futurama. Fry: Bender, I think you might be playing too much Dungeons & Dragons. Bender: I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood. Younger Mom: A new super fuel, eh? Mom: If the crystals get within six inches of each other... Wham! All my dark matter will be worthless. Mom: Give me the anti-backwards crystal. Farnsworth: Never! [Scene: Cornwood] <Poem>Titanius Anglesmith: Welcome to Cornwood! Frydo: What's happening? And why am I enjoying it so much? Leegola: I'm not taking any chances with the Tunneling Horror. Zoidberg: I'm not the Tunneling Horror. [Scene: In the cave, the Tunneling Horror is growling at the group, who scream back at it.] <Poem>Titanius Anglesmith: The Tunneling Horror! <Poem>Frydo: Why aren't you killing it, Leela? You love killing. Leegola: No, no more killing. Zoidberg: Oh! So, suddenly, Miss Goody Four-shoes over here doesn't kill anymore. She killed me not five minutes ago. What am I? Chopped liver? Leegola: Shut up. <Poem>Zoidberg: Ow! Stop chopping my liver. Leegola: You're on your own. (Sobbing ) I refuse to hurt another living thing. <Poem>Frydo: All right. I may be weak and I may be small, but I don't see how I can possibly destroy that monster. Guess I'll just huck whatever's in my pockets at him. At least I can say I tried. Titanius Anglesmith: Any time now. Frydo: The Die of Power. I forgot to remember to roll it. Die Of Power: Three. Frydo: "Grow?" I don't see anything growing. Everything is getting smaller. Ow. Wait a second. I'm big! In your face, everyone from middle school especially Jeremy. Wow, that was intense. You guys got to try the Die of Power. Titanius Anglesmith: I'll take a hit. Frydo: Hands off the dodecalicious. <Poem>Greyfarn: Beware, Frydo. Don't be seduced. Hang on a second. Resist the allure of the die. For to defeat Momon, we must melt it in the super bombastic, bubbling plastic from whence it came. Greyfarn: We must melt it in the super bombastic, bubbling plastic from whence it came. Momon: I send you to kill them and they're not even maimed? That's what I get for sending boys to do a mom's job. Larius: Sorry, Mom. Momon: Sorry doesn't put heads on my table. Peaches. You're up. Ignus: I like this part but I don't like... Centaur Opponent: You are an able opponent, Hermaphrodite. But hear me well when I posit that we must abhor violence in all its forms. Hermaphrodite: I offer a dissenting opinion. All: <Poem>Hermaphrodite: For abhorring violence is itself an act of violence and, therefore, to be abhorred. All bow before mighty Hermaphrodite. Ah! Don't hurt me. Leegola: I'm not here to hurt you. Or anything ever again. Please, teach me the centaurs' ways of wimpiness. Hermaphrodite: What do you offer in return? Titanius Anglesmith: Yes! We made it out of that godforsaken cave. Now, what's the fastest way home? Back through the cave? Ow! Ow! Greyfarn: We're close now, my friends. So close, I can practically feel the heat of the fiery molten plastic. Gynecaladriel: You're standing in the fire. Greyfarn: Oh, my. Alas, our path is blocked by Momon's army of evil. As well as her navy of moral dubiousness. Titanius Anglesmith: Mayhaps we might raise an army of our own. We're but an hour's ride from Wipe Castle. Greyfarn: Of course. Wipe Castle. And while we're there, we can get some of those greasy little dwarf burgers. Gynecaladriel: Ooh! I love those. You can eat like eight of them without gaining any weight because of all the diarrhea. Greyfarn: Sleep deep, fair snoozles. At dawn, we ride for Wipe Castle. Quiet, Frydo. <Poem>Momon: We've got them now. Send all our forces against Wipe Castle. Waltazar: Right away, Mother. I'll just leave a small contingent behind in case... Momon: I said, everything. Peaches! Peaches (Offscreen): I'm in the tub. Momon: Waltazar, you and Larius shall lead the assault. Waltazar: What about Ignus? Momon: I'm afraid he can't be trusted on this mission. You see, there is a terrible secret about Ignus I've never told anyone. And here it is. Momon: It's a good day to be evil. Oh, put a towel on, for crap's sake. [Scene: Frydo ventures away from the camp to some rocks by the water.] <Poem>Frydo: They all wants it. They wants the dodecalicious. Reflection Host: Tell you what, you want to defend a magic artifact, and I mean, defend it good, then what you need is a top-quality knife. Frydo: Me is listening. Reflection Host: The Eviscerator is one of the finest, if not the finest, tactical folder on the market today. We're talking 440 stainless, quick release and... I don't believe this. Is this a stag horn handle at this price? Reflection Host 2: It is, yeah. It's a stag horn. Reflection Host: At this price? You have got to be kidding me. That's got to be some kind of mistake, right there. Reflection Host 2: Now, you folks at home, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, that can't be stag horn. It's got to be the cheaper manticore horn. But, I've got the specs right here and I'll tell you what, this is the real deal. Reflection Host: Unbelievable. Reflection Host 2: It is unbelievable. That's exactly what it is. I mean, this is... I have no words to describe this deal. Honestly, have you ever seen stag horn at this price? Reflection Host: No, no, I don't believe I ever have. Reflection Host 2: 1101-1816 is the item number on this one. Reflection Host: You know what, we're gonna have to put a clock on this deal, folks. Two minutes. Can I get a clock at two minutes up there? Reflection Host 2: Two minutes at most. Honestly, I'd be surprised if they last that long. Reflection Host: Oh, I'd be very surprised, shocked really. Now, I know the lines are busy, people, but keep dialing in if you want a truly exceptional knife to slice up your friends in their sleep. Titanius Anglesmith: He tried to murder me. He tried... Woah, cool. Is that the stag horn? Greyfarn: Alas, Frydo's weakness was no match for the die's strength. We can only hope he forges on alone to the Geysers. Titanius Anglesmith: I can hope my ass is made of ice-cream but that don't make me a hot fudge sundae. Greyfarn: As for us, we must press on to Wipe Castle, though the journey be long and I fear I may not live to see it. Gynecaladriel: There it is! Frydo: They's following us's. Zoidberg Head: You know, you talk like that, it's gonna cost you points at a job interview. Frydo: What does it wants? Zoidberg Head: I thought I could help you destroy the die, maybe. Frydo: (In his normal voice ) Yes, yes, please help me. The die is tearing me apart. (In his raspy voice ) No, it's not. We're having a nice time. (In his normal voice ) Shut up. (In his raspy voice ) You shut up. (In his normal voice ) S'all right? (In his raspy voice ) Who's a s'all right? (In his normal voice ) Help me! Url: Now, before your audience with the king, there's a shocking fact you best know about him. Titanius Anglesmith: Enough blabbety-blab! Open the doors. Roberto: What, ho? Titanius Anglesmith: We bring ill tidings, o fanciest of men. Momon's reach nears the die of power. And should she obtain it, she will then have the entire basic set. Rivers will run red with blood and yellow with urine. And a dog will be seen eating cat food in the land. Oh, great king, your army is the last hope of Cornwood. Let us join forces before the light of good is extinguished forever. Roberto: You calling me crazy? Just 'cause I've got a hotel in my foot don't make me a boogalee-moogalee-moogalee. Titanius Anglesmith: Pardon? Roberto: Stop laughing at me, fried avocado. Titanius Anglesmith: Moving along then. As the only nobleman present who's not... ...I hereby place myself in command of the royal army. Url: What royal army would that be? Greyfarn: What? Smitty: King went insane and declared war on the scallops. Tied his army to a boulder and pushed them into the sea. They never returned. Url: Scallops must've got them. <Poem>Greyfarn: Oh, well. There'll be no epic battle today. Titanius Anglesmith: Methinks we be boned. Larius: Where's their army? Waltazar: Maybe they didn't hear the horn. Blow it again. <Poem>Url: Man, I'll show that cat how to blow. <Poem>Titanius Anglesmith: Ow. Roberto: What the... You're not made of Tuesday. My sanity. It's back. At last, I can live the life I always... AHH! Boogalee-moogalee-moogalee! Man: Ow! [Scene: Many centaurs, including Leegola and Hermaphrodite, are dancing to folk music in a room. Scruff is sweeping up their droppings behind them while mumbling and plugging his nose. Suddenly, an arrow flashes across the screen and lodges in the wall. The music abruptly stops and everybody gasps. Pan over the wall where the arrows land reveals the arrow struck a target labelled "War," which has never been used.] <Poem>Leegola: What does it mean? Female Centaur: Evil will soon triumph over good. Hermaphrodite: Your friends face certain death. Followed by a disrespectful marionette show performed with their corpses. Leegola: No! We've got to do something. Hermaphrodite: Believe me, we will. We've taken out a sternly worded ad in tomorrow's Cornwood Times. <Poem>Leegola: What a load of man-horse manure. Hermaphrodite: Well, Leegola, if you have a better idea, perhaps you'd like to challenge me to debate. Frydo: I'm too exhausted. I can't go on. Zoidberg Head: I'm here for you, my friend. Grab onto my testicles. Frydo: You know, I think maybe I can walk after all. 'Momon: (From the die ) That's not Wipe Castle. Zoidberg Head: What are you waiting for, Frydo? Throw it already in the boiling plastic. Frydo: I would. But... (In raspy voice ) Me's enjoys owning it. Zoidberg Head: Stop talking like that. It gives me anxiety. <Poem>Frydo: Ow! Momon: No! Die Of Power: Twelve. Frydo: So, it's all come down to this. A dungeon and dragons. Zoidberg Head: I didn't see it coming. Ogres: Eat the wizard, eat the slut. Eat the robot's shiny butt Gynecaladriel: Well, at least we'll be remembered in song. Titanius Anglesmith: Wait a second. I have an idea. I surrender. Here, eat my friends. Just give me one more second of sweet, sweet life. Well, that worked out pretty good, eh, fellows? Leegola: Prepare to fire again, brave cowards. Hermaphrodite: I still say, I won the debate. <Poem>Leegola: Fire. Ogre: Wuh-woah. Remaining Ogre: Whew! Gynecaladriel: Leegola, you saved us. How can I ever repay you? <Poem>Greyfarn: Frydo is fighting for his life. Quickly, to the Geysers. Titanius Anglesmith: Can it wait a couple of minutes? Greyfarn: Yes. Yes, it can. Frydo: You are no match for my dragon style. I guess you are a match for my dragon style. Momon: Tell me, Frydo, are you aware that a dragon's one weakness is its soft underbelly? Frydo: No. Why do you... <Poem>Leegola: Get my friend out of your mouth. Titanius Anglesmith: It is all over, Momon. We'll soon be down there defeating you. And it's all thanks to the existence of this fragile staircase. Whoa! Ignus: Quick. Get on the magic bug. Greyfarn: It's not a magic bug, you dope. It's a magic arachnid. Can't you count the legs? Ignus: No. Greyfarn: Six, seven, eight. Not six, eight. I'll kill you, you imbecile. Momon: My underbelly. My one weakness. Zoidberg Head: I got it. Now I can throw it in the hot thing over there and be the hero. On the other hand, infinite power might be nice. Ignus: Please, I'm trying to help you. Greyfarn: Then why are you hitting me with a stick? How stupid are you that you think that's helping? Ignus: Mommy never told you about my father. Greyfarn: She said he was a foul He-demon. Ignus: Exactly. You are my father. Greyfarn: No. No, that's impossible. Ignus: Search your feelings. You know it to be true. Greyfarn: No! No! <Poem>Ignus: Ya-huh! I heard Mommy say so. Zoidberg Head: I have all the dice. I am the dungeon master. I know all and see... <Poem>Momon: Game over. <Poem>Frydo: No! No! Mom: What happened? Leela: My God, we're out of that weird, crazy world and back in our regular crazy world. Fry: Did we all just have some kind of freaky dream or was it ghosts? Farnsworth: Neither, Fry. It was science. Bender's mighty imagination amplified by a dark matter resonance created an alternate reality that very nearly blew our minds. Hermes: Exactly. You can't make that kind of stuff up. Mom: Quit trying to explain everything. I defeated you in that world and I'll defeat you in this one. Boys, the crystal's still in his stomach. Walt: Commencing intestinal flash flood. Farnsworth: Wait! Before my moment of shame, can I... Mom: Yes, speak up. Farnsworth: Can I give my boy a hug? Mom: All right. Fine. I've never done it. I guess somebody should. Inger: Daddy. <Poem>Farnsworth: Like father, like son, eh, boy? Igner: We both eated the crysals. <Poem>Mom: No. No! Mom: My dark matter. It's worthless. Farnsworth: That's right, Mom. But fear not, fancy folk for I've just thunk up an alternative energy source. Nibbler-power. Nibbler: Hurray. Wait. What? Farnsworth: Mush! Mush! <Poem>Bender: Whip harder, Professor. Farnsworth: Faster, faster. Slower. Garry Gygax: Anyone wanna play Dungeons & Dragons for the next quadrillion years?

Seth Macfarlane (Singing): You and I will be reborn, In a future place and time, If everything our Hindu brethren say is true. In an age of things that hover, You and I will still be lovers, And we'll say to ourselves That was then and this is, too. 'Cause we'll still find the happening hot spots, We'll still cruise the cool casinos. You'll still fly me to the moon, Although the moon to which you fly me, Could be Phobos or Deimos. The psychic worms from Rigel Nine, Who control everything we do, Will make us think that was then, And 3010 is exactly the same as 1962. Don't expect any changes, my friend, That was then and this is, too. Bender: Wow, Mars Vegas. Long live the eternal city. Mr. Wong: Two, one, zero! Bender: Rest in hell, Crapville! Mrs. Wong: Out here in the desert, we're gonna build bigger, better Vegas. Mr. Wong: Bathtubs size of oceans, hookers size of bouncers. Bender: Hamburger! Worm Announcer: Stand clear of the closing jaws. Amy Wong: So what's gonna be over there, Dad? Mr. Wong: That? That the oasis. Future site of Oasis Hotel. Take that, you stupid Mother Nature. Frida Waterfall: Okay. Let's hit him hard. Feministas: This land is your land. This land is my land Fry: Who are you noisy women? Frida: I'm Frida Waterfall, leader of the Greenorita Eco-Feminist Collective, and we will not let you man-doze this beautiful gyno-desert. Mr. Wong: Well, I'm Leo Wong, and I say, "Boom!" Frida: What happened to my femi-necklace? And where's my mega-fem? Farnsworth: Is he badly hurt, Dr. Zoidberg? Zoidberg: I don't quite know how to say this. (Sobbing ) Fry is dead! Zoidberg: Wait, not dead. The other thing. Mr. Wong: Damn eco-broads! You can't even spray for eagles without upsetting these kooks. Leela: Now, hang on. Before you do construction, don't you have to make sure you're not harming any native species? Mr. Wong: Already done! By top scientist. Farnsworth: Err, what? Oh, my, yes. You've got the go-ahead, Mr. Wong. This place is deader than last year's cat. Leela: No, it's not! There's precious life right here in this scum puddle. Farnsworth: Ah! The desert muck leech. Amazingly, the entire species lives in this one tiny stink hole. (To Mr. Wong ) Killing these will be so much easier than exterminating those ponies. Leela: Leeches may not be cuddly like pandas or tribbles, but these poor endangered creatures deserve... Get off me! Bender: I'll get it with my trusty foot cups Stompy and Smashy. Leela: No, don't kill it! We have to... Mr. Wong: There. They're not endangered anymore. They're extinct. Leela: No, they're not. I saved this one. And I'm gonna raise it and care for it, so the world will forever know what it's lost. You freaking slime wad! No. I killed it. It was the last of its kind. Let go of me, you... Poor thing. Mr. Wong: Tell you what, Fry. You all promise not to sue me, I give you token for free entry in poker tournament. He took it, you all saw it! Bender: Maybe we did, maybe we didn't. What's in it for me, Bender? Mr. Wong: Okay, okay. Come back when New Vegas opens, I give you all free rooms, free dinner and free tickets to Celine Dion. Bender: Lose the Celine Dion tickets and you got yourself a deal. Mr. Wong: All right, damn it, done! Bender: All right, I scored. Zoidberg: Look out, Vegas, I've got a system. Oh. I'm bankrupt. Fry: You said it, Hermes. He is pathetic, but lovable. Hermes: Yup. What? I said no such thing, man. Fry: I am not acting weird, Leela. Why is everyone talking at once? Leela: Fry, calm down and stop braining. Amy: Yeah, Fry, maybe you need to- Fry: You're right, Amy! Maybe I do need some fresh air. Bender: Man, I'm worried about him. But not enough to stop gambling for even a single second. Three Leos On The Machine: You win, damn it! Fry: Voices always yelling. Who - who said that? I'm not insane. Stop it. Stop talking in me! Hutch Waterfall: Voices bothering you, man? You need one of these doodangs. Fry (Over The Chatter): A foil hat? Of course, he likes pastrami. What about the dog's testicles? Hey, it worked. The voices stopped. Hutch: They've got a huge selection of carburetors... Hang on. Hang on. That's better. My name's Hutch. Fry: Hi, Hutch. So what's with the obnoxious, shrieking voices? Are my fillings picking up The View? Hutch: No, man. Truth is, it's other people's thoughts. You're a mind reader. Fry: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Although, actually, it was sort of obvious. Hutch: You don't believe me? Take off the helmet. Fry: I believe you. Hutch: Seriously, do it. (Telepathically) Testing, testing. Do you read me? Fry (Telepathically): Loud and clear. Hutch: What? Fry: I said, "Loud and clear." Only I said it with my thinker, not my talker. Hutch: Whoa! Freaky. Why can't I read your thoughts? Fry: I don't know. Wait. What's that about a secret society? Hutch: Never mind that. Just keep the foil on and you'll be okay. Also, it'll keep the Dark Ones from incinerating your brain. Fry: That's a plus. Hutch: And don't ever, ever, ever tell anyone you can read minds, or the Dark Ones will get you like that. Hang on, pizza grease. Like that. Clamps: I'd like to get my clamps on those. Give her a jump, you know what I mean? Donbot: Whoa, whoa. Show some decorum there, Clamps. This ain't no strip show. This is a beguiling display of the pornographic arts. Joey Mousepad: Yo, Skip, I can see a guy's butt. Michael'S Wife: Oh, Michael, this is the perfect end to a perfect honeymoon. Michael: I love you so much. Bender: Is this seat taken? Michael: Actually, we... Bender: Slide me those chicken wings. So what part of Podunk you rubes from? Michael: The north-eastern. Announcer: Monsieurs et mademoiselles, our circus of the senses now arrives by steamboat in New Orleans, circa 2873. The muted lament of a trombone resonates through the fog, which lingers even now, months after the attack of the fog monster. With but one hope of restoring Gearoticus to his throne, our sensual fate rests in the gyrations of... Fanny. Bender: Oh. Fanny: Yes? Bender: I'm Bender. Let's do it. Donbot: Who is it, the Feds? Bender: Aren't you the Donbot, head of the Robot Mafia? Donbot: Allegedly. And this is my beloved wife, Fanny, whose honor I would proudly defend with a power drill. Well, I gotta go drown a stoolie. Donbot: I'm gonna be in here a while, so do me a favor and drive my wife home. It's one of them self-driving cars, so just sit in the back and do whatever. Fanny: Oh, Bender, your lips are intoxicating. It's like kissing an ashtray full of hot wings. Bender (As If He Were Speaking Through A Fan): Aww yeahh! Fry (Telepathically): My God, I really can read minds. I have a superpower! There must be something great I can do with this. Fry: Hello, ladies, I can read your thoughts. Oh, wait, that's invisibility. Fry (Telepathically): Poker. With my mind-reading abilities and my invisibility... Wait, no, just the mind reading. I can't lose! Fry: Sign me up for the tournament, please. Administrator: Okey-doke, Jiffy Pop. Entry fee's 50,000 smackers. Fry: 50,000? Drat, all I have is my life savings and a token for free admission to this poker tournament. Administrator: Close enough. Amy: You're having an affair with the head of the robot mafia's wife? Bender (Off-Screen): Yup, this is her I'm making out with. Hermes: Bender, are you crazy? Bender: No, it's Fry who's crazy in this one. Fry: Psht, I'm not crazy. Leela: You sure you're okay, Fry? You do have tin foil on your head. Fry: So? You've got a leech on your neck. Oh, and speaking of sucking on your neck, want to go to a movie later? Elzar: Hey, there! How are you folks doing tonight? Bender: Great. What are the specials? Elzar: We've got a wonderful grizzly bear that's been dipped in cornmeal and lightly tormented. Questions? Amy: What was the bear's name? Elzar: Jojo. Amy: Ooh, I'll have him. Bender: Hide me! Joey Mousepad: Hey, Donbot, ain't that your wife what with you had that wedding with? Fanny: Donbot, honey! What a pleasant shock! I was just having dinner alone, when suddenly you walk in on us. Donbot: Alone, huh? Bender: Where am I? I was exploring a wormhole through space many light years from this restaurant, when suddenly I was surrounded by darkness. (To Fanny ) Hot, sexy darkness. Oh, why, hello, Donbot! Hello, miss, have we met? I'm Bender. The world's most sexual robot. I mean, the world's most boundary-respecting robot. Donbot: Nice to see you, Bender. Welcome back to our universe. Listen, sugar, I stuck up the Burlington Coat Factory and got you a little something. It's a $49 value. Danny: Donbot, I love you! (To Bender ) Not really. Bender: Man, this is great! I always wanted to nail a dame in a fur coat, and now's my chance. I mean, if you'll introduce me to one, sir. (To Fanny ) One as sexy as you, baby! Bender out. Fanny: I never felt so alive, Bender. Listen, this turquoise-encrusted bra is worth 50 grand. Let's sell it and run off before the Donbot gets wise. Bender: No. It will take a lot more money than that to make a girl like you happy. Fanny: No, it won't. Bender: Yeah, it will. Shut up! We'll run off, after I win the Universal Poker Championship! One entry, please. Fanny: Bender, no! You're not lucky enough. Bender: Oh, no? I'm 40% lucky. The scrap metal I'm made from included a truckload of horseshoes from the luckiest racehorses in Mexico, who had just been sent to a glue factory. Fanny: They don't sound so lucky to me. Bender: Not without their shoes. Fanny: Here, Bendy, take this. It will give you 70% more luck. It's the Donbot's lucky robot's foot. Bender: All right! With two kinds of luck, I can't lose. Bender: No, wait, three. I stepped on a leprechaun. Joey Mousepad: Yo, you see this over here over there? Clamps: I'm powering up the clamps. Donbot: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let us not rush to judgement. Joey Mousepad: But, Skip, that was your lucky robot's foot what came off of your lucky leg. Donbot: While it is true that I did wake up with only one foot this morning, there is no proof that my beloved Fanny was involved. Aside from the hacksaw I found under her pillow. Clamps: Well, what about that Bender guy? You want I should give him the clamps? Donbot: Not yet, Clamps. We are gonna sit tight and see if he wins the poker tournament. He does, that proves he's packing my lucky foot, in which event... Clamps: The clamps! Or a clamp-like device. Penn Jillette: Welcome viewers who fell asleep with the TV on! It's the 3009 no-limit hold 'em championship. I'm the massive head of Penn Jillette, and here with a color commentary, my partner Teller. Our act really didn't change much when he died. Bender: Pardon me, I'm new to this game. Is this duffle bag big enough for all your money? Fry: Bender? Oh, boogers. We're in the same tournament. Quick, get your entry fee back before I bankrupt you. Bender: Pfft! In your dreams, nutloaf. Fry: Bite my shiny metal hat. Penn Jillette (Whispering): Tex Connecticut, the pride of Kansas City, first to act. Smiley Spiff, up next. Looks like Boobs Vanderbilt has a decent pair. Also, she's got two eights. And Bender Rodriguez picks up a lucky deal right off the bat. Bender (Telepathically): Woo! Two aces. I'm thinking guitar solo. Fry: He puts his hat back down.] I fold. Penn Jillette: Holy crap! A stunning play by mentally ill newcomer Philip Fry. It's almost as if he knew Bender had two aces. 'Boobs Vanderbilt: Bender has two aces? I'm out. Tex Connecticut: I'm out. Lrrr: I'm out. Bender: Suck my luck! Donbot: See this gun? That's what I'm gonna do to Bender if he wins. Lrrr: All in. Call my mighty bid at your peril. (Telepathically) My cards are awful, and I need a hug. Fry: I call your bluff. Lrrr: I shall annihilate... Fry hugs him.] (Sobbing ) I just wanted to make my daddy proud. Lrrr'S Father: Well, you didn't. I want you and your junk moved out by Monday. Penn Jillette: It's getting pretty intense, folks. Based on the state of decomposition of Teller's head, we're now in hour 19 of the tournament. And the first bad deal of the night for Bender. Bender: Hey, pal, help me out here. This is the worst possible hand, right? Tex Connecticut: I'm all in. Bender: All in! I mean, fold. Whatever. Penn Jillette: Well, Bender's luck just ran out. No card can save him from elimination. Boobs Vanderbilt: Oh, my gourds! He's dead. Leo Wong: 21, winner! Bender: Wooo! I'm so full of luck, it's shooting out like luck diarrhoea. Penn Jillette: Wake up, poker fans! We're down to our final two players in heads-up action for the Championship. Your perspective, Teller? Bender: All in. Fry: But-but, you didn't even look at your cards! Bender: Looking at one's cards is a crutch for players who rely on skill. Leo Wong: Any day now, Fry. You in or out? Bender: What's the matter, Fry, you scared? Or just crazy? Fry: All right, all in. Yes! Four aces! Bender: Ah-ah-ah. Read 'em and weep, and then tell me what they are. Leo Wong: Two kings. And with three on the board, that gives Bender five kings. Fry: But how is that... Penn Jillette: I don't believe it. Bender has just been dealt the King of Beers, a coaster from the bar that somehow got mixed into the deck. But it still counts! Leo Wong: Bender win the Championship! Bender: That's some good money. Fanny: You did it, Bender. You're the greatest. Bender: Tell me something I don't know, sweetass. Now, let's boogie. We'll be in Space Tahiti before the Donbot knows what hit him. Donbot: Now I am suspicious. Bender: Okay, we finished digging this shallow grave. Can we go now?

Hermes And Zoidberg: Previously, on Futurama. Hutch: You need one of these doodangs. Fry (Over Chatter): A foil hat? Hutch: Truth is, you're a mind reader. Fry: Oh, my God! Amy: You're having an affair with the head of the robot mafia's wife? Bender: Okay, we finished digging this shallow grave. Fry (Sobbing): Poor Bender left me one last voicemail before the Robot Mafia buried him in the desert. Bender (On Cell Phone): Fry, old friend, before I die, I just wanted to say... Hang on, I'm getting another call. Hello? Hermes: Line up, people! Everyone take a shovel and one sixth of the planet. We'll meet back here in 50 years, our bodies broken and our lives wasted. Zoidberg: And you say these are free shovels? Bender: I'm back, baby. Fry: Bender! I thought the Robot Mafia killed you. Bender: Nah, they just shot us and buried us a few times as a warning. Fanny: Bender was so brave. He never stopped making out with me the whole time they were shooting us. Bender: I sure didn't. Fanny: I gotta get back to my husband, baby. Will I see you tonight? Bender: Probably not. Mr. Wong: It's a 14-footer with a clown hazard. What club you recommend, Baggy? Baggy: As on every hole, I suggest the putter. Fry: Your golf club sure is classy, Mr. Wong. Naked statue classy. Leela: It is very nice. I just wish Amy and I didn't have to wear these sexist badges on our melons. Amy: We're lucky even to play as guests, Leela. Dad's club has a very strict "No girls allowed" policy. Leela: That doesn't seem fair. Amy: It really is. Everybody knows women don't have the focus to play miniature golf at a professional level. Leela: But that's the best shot of the day! Mr. Wong: Is that my ball? I think that my ball. Amy: Pfft, great putt, Dad. Mr. Wong: Okay, we're done. Leela: Mr. Wong, how do you keep this place so green in the middle of the desert? Doesn't that waste a lot of water? Mr. Wong: Nah, we got plenty water, pumped directly from flamingo lake. They'll be fine. Mr. Wong: Oh, yeah, I love miniature golf. Love everything about it, except how damn miniature it is. That's why I'm building the universe's biggest miniature golf course. Mr. Wong: This the first tee. Fry: Where's the hole? Mr. Wong: On Pluto's moon, Hydra. It's a six-billion-mile par-two. Tough shot, even for a man. (Leo VO) Around the sun. Bank off Jupiter. And right into the... I'll be right back. It dropped in! Put me down for a two. Amy: Two. Mr. Wong: Keep in mind, that just the first hole. For full course, we gonna bulldoze this entire arm of the Milky Way. Leela: What? You're gonna wipe out 10% of the galaxy for a stupid golf course? Mr. Wong: First of all, it 12% . Second, yes, you betcha. Leela: But you have no idea what life forms might be evolving out there. Mr. Wong: That's exactly why I'm hiring an impartial scientist to perform an environmental survey. That's him in the money shower. Fry (Vo): Delivery boy's log. Having fallen asleep on what I thought was the toilet, I awoke to find the environmental survey in progress. Farnsworth: Status reports, Science Officer. Bender: Zilcho. No sign of life or intelligence. (Telepathically) Just like Fry on a date. Fry: Hey! Leela: Okay, so we haven't found any life yet. I still don't see why you men can't be happy with regular-sized miniature golf. Farnsworth: Leela, evolution has programmed our fabulous male brains to take anything anybody else thinks is important and make it bigger. Have you seen my new 301-inch TV? Announcer: Hypnotoad is brought to you by the MagnaPhallix 302-inch TV. It's bigger! Farnsworth: Oh, hell! Bender: Captain, I'm detecting life on the Spock-o-scope! Leela: It's amazing. It's like a textbook on evolution. Fry: Except in Kansas. Bender: But isn't Mr. Wong building the 18th hole here? And the golf pants museum? Farnsworth: Indeed so. This whole area will be incinerated when he implodes that sun there into a black hole. Leela: That beautiful violet star? Farnsworth: It's so you can't keep your ball at the end of the game. Fry: Yo, that's messed up. Leela: There won't be any imploding once they read our environmental review. Right, Professor? Farnsworth: Ohh, twaddle-squat. There's no scientific consensus that life is important. Bender: Yeah. Life, schmife. Clip Board: Approved for demolition. Leela: It's you and me, ponytail. Guard: We're here, Mr. President. Richard Nixon'S Head: Arroo! Let's play some mini-golf. Nixon: Just give it a light tap, Agnew. No, no, no, just a light... Zoidberg: Now for a triple clam dip, with a double - OW! OW! Nixon: Tough luck, Agnew. Looks like you and Wong owe me a Charleston Chew. Feministas: Shut up and hear our wisdom. Save the ecosystem. Shut up and hear our wisdom! Nixon: What gives, Wong? You said no chicks allowed. Frida: We are the Greenorita Eco-Feminist Collective, and we will not let you...What was it again? Leela: We will not let you implode the violet dwarf star at galactic coordinates 167.84, -58.03, mark 948. Mr. Wong: Already approved, you cackling hens. So get out, or I'll have vice-president Agnew's headless body throw you out. Leela: I'd like to see him try. Nixon: Me, too. Should look funny. Sic 'em, Agnew. Nixon: Runaway golf cart! Leela: Look out, Agnew! Nixon: Whoa! Mr. Wong: Aah! Leela: Is... is he okay? Mr. Wong: No pulse. Nixon: They killed the headless remains of Agnew. Arrest them! Frida: All Feministas she-vacuate the premises. I mean "femises." Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, these eco-crooks will face the maximum sentence. For killing a headless torso, that's six weeks. Bender: Well, this is embarrassing. Here I've been blabbing on for years about killing all humans, and who actually does something about it? Some chick. Fry: Leela's not a killer, and she's not some chick. She's the chick I love. And don't tell her I called her a chick, or she'll kill me. Frida (Through Her Megaphone): Everyone stay absolutely quiet! Feminista: That thing's on. Shh! Feminista: Turn it off! Frida (Through Megaphone): Oh, sorry. Frida: How do you turn it off? Frida (Through Megaphone): There. Did that do it? Others: No. Stop it. Shut up. Frida: Here's the button here. (Through megaphone) And I think I... Now I got it. Leela: Let me give you a hand. Frida: This is awful. I never meant for our protest to have any effect. Trixie: Maybe we should just surrender and serve our six weeks in jail. Dixie: Hey, yeah! We could do each other's toenails and make shivs. Leela: That's crazy. We've done nothing wrong, other than killing and dismembering the vice-president. We need to make a choice, sisters. We can either keep pestering criminals like Leo Wong with silly slogans... All: Yeah. Let's do that. Leela: Actually, I meant that to be the less preferable alternative. We can either chant slogans or we can take action. Dixie: What was the first choice again? Leela: I choose to save the environment by sabotaging Leo Wong's golf course. Who's with me? Frida: Could we still use our bullhorns? Leela: Absolutely. Bullhorns are a core principle of eco-feminism. Frida: Then I'm in. Leela: Who's ready to kick some sweaty man-butt? Dixie: I've got my pointy man-kicking shoes on. Trixie: Those are cute. Dixie: Aren't they? I got them at Nine West. Leela: Simmer down, warriors. Full power to the vagyroscope! Mr. Wong: Those dirty rings. I tried soaking them out, even blasting them out. Frida: Are you sure about this? It would be better for propaganda if we weren't using refined sugar. Leela: It's okay. The potato we're shoving in the tailpipe is organic. Mr. Wong: I smell sabotage. Ooh, and potatoes. Leela: Now, unfortunately, the media is going to put a negative spin on this, like when we killed that guy, so to win public support, we'll need a lovable mascot. Zoidberg: Squirm all you want, you nasty dumpling. One less species for the universe, one more breakfast for... Leela: Zoidberg? Zoidberg: Leela. Me saving things the leech. Not the eating of it. Leela: Zoidberg, I'm very surprised at you, slightly. Fry: Psst! Leela. Leela: Shh! I'm a fugitive. Fry: I know. I miss you so much, Leela, even more than when you were here. Leela: I miss you, too, Fry. And you probably think what I'm doing is wrong. But it's something I really care about... Fry: You don't have to explain, Leela. You're you. That's all I need to know. Leela: Goodbye, sweet goofbag. Bender: I'll miss her, too, buddy. Dibs on her iPod. Zoidberg: Dibs on her- ohh... Hutch: Hey, Fry! Long time, man. Fry: Hey, Hutch! What have you been up to? Hutch: Same old, same old. Searching the dumpsters, protecting my thoughts with tin foil, peeing myself. Fry: So, what brings you to Earth? Hutch: It's top secret. Hey, take off your helmet and I'll think it to you. Fry: Okay. Here goes. Fry: Where are you? And me? Hutch: The Great Hall of the Ancient Legion of Madfellows. Welcome, bro. All: Welcome, bro. Hutch: Sorry I bashed your head in, buddy, but I had to. You see, the fate of the universe depends on you. Fry: Yeah, I get that a lot. Hutch: The Grand Curator will tell you more. Fry: Take me to him. Nine: Hey, man. Fry: Hey. Nine: So dig this, Fry. Our commune has been monitoring the universe's life energy for, like, a really long time, and we're grokking some super weird junk. Fry: Um, I don't mean to be rude, but it's kind of hard to take you seriously when you say junk like "grok" and "junk." Nine : What about "commune"? Fry: Especially "commune." Come on, it's the fate of the universe, puff it up a little. Like you could say your ancient order is sensing deep upheaval in the cosmic life energy field. Nine: Okay. I'll try. So, like, a really, really long time ago... Eons ago! Cool. Eons ago, the life force we call Chee permeated the universe. The Green Chee generated a great upwelling of life across the cosmos. But then, for reasons unknown... Fry: Ooh. "Reasons unknown." Now that's the sort of hook that grabs the attention of me, the viewer. Nine: For reasons unknown... Fry: Nice. Nine: ...the Chee began to recede, and the diversity of life began to wither. The life forms we know today are but a fraction of a fraction of the magnificence that once existed. Hutch: But a bunch of dudes, right, they totally passed this far-out knowledge down through the ages. Nine (Vo): Some with this knowledge were called prophets, some, fruitcakes. We, the Legion of Madfellows, are their heirs. Fry: Hey, I'm on TV. Nine: Well, that's the show. Fry: Neat. What's it got to do with me? Nine: Ahh, pooperdoodle! I mean, pardon the omission. You see, after untold eternities, we have sensed a resurgence in the Chee. Fry: Hey, that's the violet dwarf star that Leela wants to save. Hutch: Freaking nailed it, corndog. Nine: We believe this star heralds a new green age, and it's your destiny to be its shepherd and protector. Fry: Me? Why? Hutch: 'Cause you got, like, no delta brainwave, man. The Dark Ones can't groove off your thoughts. Nine: Silence, Hutch! For now, let's just say we have enemies, enemies who can read minds, except yours. Fry: Cool. I can't wait to tell Leela. Nine: No! If you tell anyone, then their thoughts could be read. For the sake of those you love, you must keep this secret. Do you foot-swear? Fry: Oh, okay. I foot-swear. Nine: Good. Now, to save the coming of the green age, you must stop this man. Fry: I know him. Leo Wong. I work with his daughter. Nine: Oh, good, that will cut about 15 minutes of explanation. You must gain Wong's confidence, infiltrate his organization and prevent him from destroying the violet dwarf. Mr. Wong: Looking for a job, eh? Fry: Yes, sir. Nothing fancy. I'm willing to start at the bottom and infiltrate my way up. 'Mr. Wong: Sorry, no openings right now. (Telepathically) What I need is security guard to keep nutcases out of my office. Fry: I'm good at keeping nutcases. Mr. Wong: I said no way. (Telepathically) This idiot don't look like he could handle those feministas. Fry: I look like an idiot who can handle those feministas. Mr Wong (Telepathically): He'll have to do better than that. Fry: I'll have to do better than that. Mr. Wong: Hmm. You and I think a lot alike. You really think you can stand up to those eco-freakos? Fry: Sir, with me around, they'll be the least of your worries. Tester: Stand by, men. And manly aliens. Prepare to test fire King Kong hole. Sal: It workses. Tester: Good job, men. And manly aliens. Construction of King Kong hole complete. Frida: Typical. Always King Kong, never Queen... Quong. Sal: What are those, hooks? Get out of heres, you hookers. Sal: Helpses! Leela: You go, gorilla ! Morbo: Our top story. The string of eco-vandalism that began with a harmless vice-presidential killing has spread across the galaxy. Linda: Why do you always get to read the top story, Morbo? Morbo: Because viewers trust a deep male voice and huge, throbbing forehead veins. Linda: Not all reaction to the crime spree has been negative. We spoke with several people who viewed these courageous eco-feminists as heroes. Petunia: I just wish there was some way to... Excuse me. Some way to show I support 'em. Send them some smokes or something. Linda: This just in Root 2 News has received a video communique from the eco-feminists' unknown hideout. Leela: This is sub-commander L., with a message for Leo Wong. Leo, you're a parasite on the universe, and parasites must be destroyed. That's why we've adopted this parasite as our mascot. I know it's a little confusing. The point is, even this vicious leech has a right to exist. And that's why a vicious leech like Leo Wong must be exterminated. Again, confusing. Feministas unite! Morbo: In other news- Linda: Feministas unite! Linda (On The Tv): Feministas unite! Nixon: Incredible. Absolutely incredible. You're telling me this TiVo machine can pause and rewind live TV? Mr. Wong: These crazy broads gonna ruin me, Nixon. You gotta help me. Send the army or something. Something big that shoots. Nixon: Sir, I don't care if you are my biggest contributor. Our armed forces do not serve your private business interests. Mr. Wong: Sorry, I... Nixon: I'm just yanking your chain, Leo. I'm on it like boring on Gerry Ford. Zapp Brannigan: Zapp Brannigan purporting for duty. For the love of God, Kif, less piccolo, more fife. Nixon: Report, Brannigan. Zapp: Mr. President, I failed to identify these curvaceous banditas despite hours of staring at their dossiers. Yet, I seemed to have stroked myself upon good luck, for a patriot of the highest order has volunteered to lead us to them. Bender: Hey-oh!

Leela: Previously, on Futurama. Nine: You must gain Wong's confidence, infiltrate his organization and prevent him from destroying the violet dwarf. Hutch: The fate of the universe depends on you. Fry: Yeah, I get that a lot. Leela: It's amazing. It's like a textbook on evolution. Fry: Except in Kansas. Mr. Wong: I smell sabotage. Leela: Feministas unite! Zapp: A patriot of the highest order has volunteered to lead us to them. Bender: Hey-oh! Nixon: These eco-feminists are ruthless criminals who'll stop at nothing to save the environment. I don't see how a bending unit can catch them. Bender: Not just any bending unit, Presidente. I happen to be brilliant, fearless and short on cash. Nixon: Slush him, Kroker. Zapp: Bender here has identified the femdito commander as my ex-lover, Turanga Leela, whom I once made love at. Nixon: And he's willing to fink her out for a few simoleons? Bender: It's not about the money, Nixon, though I'd like much more. She's committed 30 felonies in 12 star systems. If no one stops her, she'll break my record for longest rap sheet. Nixon: That's a despicable motive, Bender, and I respect it. Bender: Gracias. Now, I could find Leela, but you'll need to authorize a wiretap. Nixon: As many as you like. Bender: I only need one. Nixon: Let's call it six. Fry: Hey, Bender, check it out. I'm Leo Wong's new security guard. I got an ID badge and a flashlight, and I ordered this mustache. Bender: Neat. Say, speaking of whatever the hell you just said, I need to make a cell phone telephone call. Can borrow your cell phone telephone? Fry: Okay, but don't restart my Tetris. I was finally about to get one of those pieces that looks like a backwards "L." Bender: Okay, superstud. Mr. Wong: Looking good, security. No feministas getting past you. Fry: No, sir. Not on my mustache's watch. Amy: Fry, I can't believe you're working with my dad against Leela. How can you claim to be her friend and still want her in jail? Mr. Wong: Don't mind cranky-pants here. She been cranky ever since she was a fat little girl. Amy: Dad! Mr. Wong: Can I be brutally honest, Fry? I always wanted a son. Fry: That hurt, but I can take it. Amy: I knew you wanted a son! Why do you think I became a miniature golf champion? Why do you think I wear these stupid boys' sweat suits? Mr. Wong: To hide your big, fat butt, that's why. Fry: Now, sir, in fairness, Amy's butt is actually pretty hot. Amy: What is it with you men? Why does everything revolve around my butt? Mr. Wong: 'Cause it's so big and massive. He and Fry share a laugh.] Fry: Sorry. Amy: That's it! Bender: Whoa! What's with Big Butt? Mr. Wong: She just hungry. Bender: Here you go, Fry. Fry: Thanks. Bender: Oh! FYI, I dropped that Tetris piece in the wrong place and ended the game. Fry: No! Fry: Great! Now Amy's gonna tell Leela I'm a jerk. If only I could explain I'm on a secret mission against evil. Wait. Evil? Yeah, yeah, evil. What's going on in there? A scary noise? Hey, you're one of Leela's feministas. "Save the environment! Wo-mandate Leo's retirement!" That's terrible writing! Stop making your point so ineffectively! Frida: Take your mands off of me! Fry: I'm on your side. Frida: Don't shush me. Fry: Please, can you take a message to Leela? Frida: What is it? Fry: Just say her sweet goofbag is working to save the violet dwarf star, just like she is. Frida: Very well, I'll fem-municate your man-formation. Fry: Just tell her. Farnsworth: Well, this is it, old friends. Planet Express is done for, what with our delivery crew missing and the abysmal sales of Tickle Me Bender. Bender Doll: Quit touching my junk, pervert! Farnsworth: Hold out your hands and I'll remove your career chips. Zoidberg: I hate to see it come to an end. When will it end? Hermes: Shouldn't you get that, Professor? Farnsworth: I suppose. Hello? Mr. Wong: Professor, old buddy, I'm gonna blow up the violet dwarf star. So I need you deliver billion-mile security fence to keep out protesters. Dirty business. Lot of money. You corrupt enough? Farnsworth: Damn skippy! Good news, crybabies! We're back in business. Hermes: Sweet kookaburra of Edinburgh, Professor. You sure you know how to fly this thing? Farnsworth: I invented it, didn't I? You wouldn't ask Thomas Edison whether he knew how to use a sexmatron. Leela: Halt! What are you doing in this parallelogram of space? Farnsworth: We're delivering a fence to keep you ladies in your place. Zoidberg: Amy? Hermes: Labarbara? Labarbara: That's right, husband. From now on, you make your own Manwiches. Mrs. Wong: That was the greatest play I ever saw. It must have had 20 acts. Leela (Over Megaphone): We installed your fence, Leo Wong. Linda: Should we shout a clever slogan? Leela: You mean something like, "The best defense is a good fence?" Linda: Yeah, something like that, only funny. Leela: I wish we could, but our chief slogan writer is back at the Honeybun Hideout. Frida: Does "violet dwarf" rhyme with "men are dorks"? It does through a megaphone. (Telepathically) That reminds me, I've got to tell Leela about that weirdo who wants to save the violet dwarf. Mysterious Voice: So, the Legion of Madfellows has a new pawn, eh? Frida: Is somebody here? If you're the DSL guy, you're two days late. Mysterious Voice: Who gave you that message for Leela? Frida: I don't know his name. Mysterious Voice: Then you are of no use to the Dark Ones! Frida: Long lost brother, avenge my death. [Scene: Wongminister Miniature Golf Club. Fry is locking up.] Fry: Six, seven, eight. Lock the gate. One, two, three. Turn the key. 30, 50, 10. My dirty, shifty friend? Hutch: Hey, Fry, long time. Hutch: Welcome back to the Legion of Madfellows, man. Fry: Why'd you bonk me, you idiot? You could have just asked me to come with you. And where are we? This doesn't look like your regular dumpster. Nine: All in good time! I guess now is a good time. We're on Mars, in a forgotten cavern abandoned by the native Martians a million years ago. Fry: Actually, it was five years ago. I remember 'cause they washed my socks. Nine: You have done well, Fry. You have ingratiated yourself with Leo Wong. Fry: Yup, I kissed his ass from cheek to shining cheek. So, what do I do next? Nine: As Wong security chief, you will be on hand when he attempts to destroy the violet dwarf. You must not let that happen. Fry: "Must let happen." Nine: Not happen! Fry: "Must let occur." Nine: Let me tell you a story. A story of two alien species so ancient that compared to them the human race is a mere college senior! On a distant planetoid they evolved to cooperate in their quest to survive. Fry: Cooperation, because life is a team sport. Nine: But, over time, one species evolved a better strategy, and an evolutionary arms race began. Nine: That concludes the audio-visual portion of our head-clonk and lecture. Fry: Wait, what happened to the snakes and the frogs? I need to know! Nine: The frogs, or possibly the snakes, evolved into vicious killing machines, honed by the merciless forces of natural selection and intelligent design. We call these the Dark Ones! Nine: Meanwhile, however, the second species evolved to fend off the Dark Ones, befriending and protecting all other living things. Fry: Even Celine Dion? Nine: Probably. We call these noble beings the Encyclopods, because their DNA incorporates the DNA of every endangered species they encountered, so they can recreate them if they go extinct. Fry: Just as a pillow, a wig and a corncob pipe can be used to recreate my old girlfriend! Nine: Bingo. Transition Announcer: Meanwhile, at the Honeybun Hideout. Labarbara: Now you know how it feels to be locked up in a go-go cage. Hermes: What the hell are you talking about? Labarbara: Shut your man-hole. Hermes: I feel dirty. Leela: Are you sure Fry is working for your father? It just doesn't seem like him to be so evil, or to hold down a job. Amy: It's true, Leela. Cross My Heart bra and swear to Goddess. Leela: But the Fry I know wouldn't do that. I'm gonna call his cell phone telephone and prove you wrong. Oh, no! Frida's been murdered! Labarbara: Sweet she-cattle of Seattle. Hermes (From Off Screen): Not your strong suit, woman. Amy: Who could have done this? Leela: Your dad? Nixon? Amy: Fry? Leela: No, never. I don't think. Anyhow, there's a crazed murderer on the loose, possibly in the shadows or hanging from the ceiling. So just stay calm while I call Fry. Fry: So where are the Encyclopods and the Dark Ones now? Nine: Wh-... When the life-giving Chee receded, only the toughest organisms could adapt and survive, like the Dark Ones. Many more died out, like the Encyclopods. But, and this is the great secret of our age, we believe they left an egg behind. Fry: Is it edible? Nine: We're not gonna eat it! Not unless we find a second one. No, Fry, we intend to hatch it! Hutch: And that's where you come in. Fry: And here I am. Nine: At long last the tide of Chee has returned, and its nourishing flow has awakened the dormant egg. Fry: That's good. Hutch: It's better than good. It's better. With its massive stash of DNA, the Encyclopod can reconstruct every species that ever went extinct. Fry: So, where is this egg? Nine: In the violet dwarf star system. Fry: And what does it look like? Nine: A violet dwarf star! Fry: You mean, the whole star is a single... Whoa! Sci-fi. Nine: Alas! Even now, a Dark One is headed to the star to ensure its destruction. Fry: Dang! So what does this Dark One look like? Nine: We don't know. I admit it's a horrifically grave situation. Hutch: Don't sugarcoat it, Nine. The Dark Ones have been evolving so long, it could be anything or anyone. Or anybody. Fry: You mean, like, people? Hutch: Any people. It will kill the egg, and every dude, woman and child who knows about it. Nine: Even our crazy caps will be useless at close range. That's why only you, with your defective unreadable brainwave, may be able to thwart them and usher in a new green age of wonder and... Fry: You're on Fry-time. Leela! Did you get my message? Leela: What message? Fry: Didn't you see Frida Waterfall? Leela: So you did kill Frida Waterfall? Fry: What? No. I told her to tell you that I'm... Oh, Jeep! The Dark Ones got her. It's all true. We need to talk, Leela. Then I can explain... Well, I can't explain anything, but we should talk anyway. Where are you? Leela: Oh, no. I'm not gonna expose the Honeybun Hideout. Where are you? Fry: Near the Keeler Crater on Mars. Do you know it? Leela: I, I, uh... I think I read about it. Leela: I'll meet you at the south rim in one hour. No moustaches. Zapp: Kif, set coordinates, 36-24-36. AKA, Leela. Fry: Ten minutes late. Ain't that just like a womanista? Leela: Psst. Are you alone? Fry: Of course, don't you trust me? Zapp (Over Pa): There's no escape, Leela. If you surrender, wave your shirt in the air. Leela: Fry, you traitor! Amy (Over Pa): Hop onto the magnet, Leela! Leela: Okay. One, two... Leela: I can't believe you ratted me out, Fry. Fry: I'm not a rat, I swear. If I'm any rodent, it's the loyal capybara, king of the rats! No, wait. Amy: Stay strong, ladies. We can lose them in the giant miniature golf course. Fry: But the course isn't finished. And there's no girls allowed. Amy: Fore! Zapp: So, they want to play mini golf, eh? Two can play at that game. Or even four, depending on the number of ball colors available. Zapp: I choose pink. Kif: That's their color, sir. Zapp: The hell it is. Leela: They're gaining on us. We need a birdie on the windmill hole. Amy: Wait. Wait. Drop the boot! Kif: Sir, at our present speed, the computer predicts a 100% chance we'll be sliced in half. We'll never make it. Zapp: Not with that attitude, we won't. Same speed ahead! Zapp: We made it through, Kif. How many men did we lose? Kif: All of them. Zapp: Well, at least they won't have to mourn each other. Seal the airlocks, and draw the shades. Resume shooting. Fry: Oh, no! The gorilla! That's a par-four! Leela: The mouth's too dangerous. I'm going for the nose. Amy: Don't be a sucker. You won't come out anywhere near the hole. You need to aim for the jaws just when they start to close. Leela: Start to close? Are you out of your... Leela: We made it! Zapp: Captaining 101 . Go for the nose. Bender: My arms are broken, I'll never paint again. Kif: You can't sue the military. Bender: I'm okay then. Zapp: Damage report. Kif: We lost all remaining food and oxygen, Captain. As well as our XM Radio antenna. Zapp: Then this chase is over. Kif, set course for the nearest XM repair facility. Meanwhile, we shall sing top hits from the '80s. Kif: Which '80s, sir? Zapp: For me, there are only one '80s. (VO) Smell like I sound, I'm lost and I'm found.And I'm hungry like the wolf. Hermes: The shot was too good! We're jamming straight for the hole. Zoidberg: We're gonna crash, even. Amy: Shmeesh, shmill out, shmeverybody. It's a wormhole hole. Farnsworth: Of course, a wormhole! We'll simply disappear and reappear in a... ...nother part of the universe. Amy: We made it! Farnsworth: Uh, whaa... Leela: Crud nuggets! We de-spaced right next to the Nimbus. Zoidberg: Just when you think the chase is over, it gets twice as exciting! Bender: Hey, look at that. Zapp: Well, well, well. My bloodhound-like instincts must have hunted them down while my other parts were throbbing to Duran Duran. Kif: Shall I initiate a pointless and potentially fatal pursuit? Zapp: Make it so. Bender: It's gonna be fun on a bun, in space. Leela: Look! The asteroid. Now it's crawling with life. Like Zoidberg's sandals! Fry: Wow! It's incredible. Leela: But it'll be destroyed when Leo Wong blows up the violet dwarf. So why are you helping him? Fry: I can't tell you, Leela. You just have to trust me. Leela: You keep saying that, but you have to give me something to go on or I... Planet Express Ship Alarm: Out of whale oil. Out of whale oil. Leela: The out-of-fuel indicator. It's indicating. Zoidberg: Say, what's that violet-colored dwarf-like star thing we're drifting into? Leela: The violet dwarf star! Fry: Of course. The gorilla was the 18th hole, so we're headed into the ball return. Zoidberg: Aye, what else now can go wrong? Zapp: Ladies, you're under arrest. Prepare to be boarded again and again. Petunia: He'll never take me alive. Leela: Don't give up yet. I've got one more trick up my sleeve. Amy: That's exactly the number we need. Zapp: Ah, the fairer sex. Zapp: Something's very wrong here, and yet a little bit right. Leela (Off-Screen): Not so fast, Brannigan. Bender (Off-Screen): Even less fast, feministas! Leela: Bender? Bender: All two tons of me, and if you think that's shocking; wait 'til you see w... Transition Announcer [Interrupting]: Tune in next time on Futurama!

Fry: Previously, on Futurama. Hutch: Truth is, you're a mind reader. Fry: Oh, my God! Leela: Leeches may not be cuddly like pandas or tribbles, but these poor endangered creatures deserve... Nine: You must gain Wong's confidence, infiltrate his organization and prevent him from destroying the violet dwarf. Hutch: The fate of the universe depends on you. Fry: Yeah, I get that a lot. Leela: It's amazing. It's like a textbook on evolution. Fry: Except in Kansas. Mr. Wong: I smell sabotage. Leela: Feministas unite! Leela (Off-Screen): Not so fast, Brannigan. Bender (Off-Screen): Even less fast, feministas! Bailiff: Oye, oye, oye. All rise for the honorable Chief Justice D-O-G-G and the Associate Justices. Snoop Dogg'S Head: Yo. Seat it or beat it. The charges against y'all femditos is murder, mayhem, vandalism, kidnapping and resisting arrest. Damn! The big five. You may now make your opening "what you got to say for yourselves." Leela: May it please the Court... I mean, may it plizzle the cozizzle. Dogg: Proceed. Leela: These charges are outrageous. Our only goal was to save a rare violet star and its precious ecosystem. If protecting the environment is a crime, then... Judge Dogg: Protecting the environment is a crime. Leela': I rest my mouth. Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Nixon: I... Well, now, I... Am I under oath when I take the oath? Ruth Bader Ginsburg'S Head: Can the witness identify the feminista leader? Bender: That's her right there, with the "I'm gonna kill you Bender" look in her eye. Antonin Scalia'S Head: Hey, aren't you the robot who robbed me at gunpoint last year? Bender: No further answers, Your Honor. Fry: Please, Justice Dogg, Leela and her friends are completely innocent. Dogg: Hold up. Were you or were you not abducted by these hoes? Fry: Well, abducted is such an ugly word. Clarence Thomas' Head: Mr. Wong, the court cannot compel you to testify against your own daughter. Mr. Wong: No. No, I want to. Also, I got something to say about my wife. Dogg: Aw, yeah. Having heard some of the testimony over these jams I've been listening to, me and my crew will now kick it in the mix. Dogg: A'ight. We got us a verdict up in this High Court. Bailiff, drop it like it's legal precedent. Bailiff: In the matter of Leo Wong v. The Greenorita Eco-Feminist Collective, four justices vote to convict, five to acquit. Scalia: However, since the vote was strictly along gender lines and the female justices' votes only count half, you are hereby found guilty. Ginsburg: It's a humiliating and biased system, but it works. Dogg: Fifty years in the maximum security Dogg house. Warden: Ladies! Welcome to hell. Petunia: Beats Nutley on a Saturday night. Warden: This is a privately-owned for-profit prison and I run a tight, cheap ship! I've done this by cutting cost everywhere, especially on punishment. I rely on you inmates to make prison unpleasant for yourselves. You're encouraged to sexually harass new prisoners, organize no-holds-barred catfights and maintain poor hygiene. Amy: Try and make me, copper. Warden: Oh... a troublemaker. Taste the lash of my 99-cent-store nightstick! Mr. Wong: Yee-ha! With the feministas in jail, it full speed ahead. You and me, Fry. We implode the violet dwarf star tomorrow. Ka-boom-boom. Fry: You and me? Mr. Wong: Yeah. Fry: Tomorrow? Mr. Wong: Tomorrow. Fry: Ka-boom? Mr. Wong: Ka-boom-boom. Fry: Hello? Madfellows? I need to- Okay, Leo Wong's about to destroy the violet dwarf. So, whatever I need to know to stop him, tell me now. Nine: Alas! Stopping Wong isn't the only problem. One of the Dark Ones will try to stop you from stopping him. So, you must stop it from stopping you from stopping him. Fry: But how can I stop it stop me stop him? Nine: Stop it! Behold, the Omega Device. Fry: That's it? Nine: The important thing is what's inside. Fry: What does that look like? Hutch: No one knows, man. It was invented by a blind inventor, and the one dude he described it to was deaf. Mad Fellow: So the legend goes. Nine: When activated, the device will emit a localized blast of delta-band noise to momentarily disable the Dark One. Fry: But the Dark One could look like anything or anyone, right? Hutch: Or anywhere. Fry: So, what's your plan to recognize it? Nine: We don't have one. Fry: Got it. Hutch: And we don't dare think of one neither. 'Cause if we do, the Dark Ones might sense kind of the general vibe. Even through our mighty foil. Oh, man! Anyone got some tape or some gum? Nine: As my colleague indicated, the plan cannot come from us, Fry. We were counting on you and your unreadable brain to come up with something. Fry: That was a mistake. Nine: I see that now. Hutch: Freaky thing is, the Dark Ones' thoughts are unreadable, just like yours. Nine: Yes, if we dared unwrap our heads, we could easily locate the one other being whose mind we can't read. The Dark One! Hutch: But then the Dark One would read our minds and crush them like blood pumpkins. Fry: Wait. I can read minds and my mind can't be read. I have a plan. Nine: Great. Whatever it is, don't tell us. Hutch: Wait. Fry can read minds and his mind can't be read. So he can safely scan for the Dark One... Nine: Shut up! Shut up! Hutch: ...whose mind can't be read... Mysterious Voice: Leela, time is running out. We must get to the violet star. Leela: Okay, okay. Shut up, already. Dixie: Nobody's talking, Leela. Trixie: We're just painting each other's toenails with rat blood. Linda: We now go live to Leela with the escape plan. Leela? Leela: Thanks, Linda. Now we're in here because we tried to save endangered wildlife. So this time, endangered wildlife will save us. Amy: The Martian muck leech. Leela: Little cutie almost sucked me dry. Labarbara: Look at him go. Like a green snake through a sugarcane cake. Hermes (On Her Cell Phone): Keep trying. Morbo: Our top story. The universe's most wanted eco-feminists are now behind bars, including gang leader, Turanga Leela. AKA, the Notorious B-I-Itch. Zoidberg: We finished un-pinking the ship, Hubert. Now what? Farnsworth: Now we get back to work. And if that means destroying an ecosystem or two, so be it. Zoidberg: I just meant without our good friends Fry, Leela, Amy and the robut. Farnsworth: Oh, boo-hoo. Scruffy: Life goes on. But I believe we'll forever carry the pain on the inside. Amy: Oh, no, a rooster! That indicates it's the following morning. Labarbara: How's that creepy crawler doing? Leela: I'm sorry, femi-sisters, but it pooped out around 3 00 a.m. Poor thing couldn't take another bite. Amy: Well, I guess we failed. But what matters is, we tried our best and we looked good doing it. Amy: Bender? Bender: Who does it look like? My identical cousin Buster? Amy: Yes. Leela: You're here to break us out? But you're the one who put us in. Bender: But I'm Bender, king of the combination shot. I put you in so that by busting you out, I could commit 15 felonies at once. Puttin' my rap sheet miles ahead of yours on the all-time chart. Leela: You are one devious bastard. Bender: That's what it says on my vanity plate. Leela: What about the sentries? Leela: Okay, Plan B. Everyone knows men have one fatal weakness - they can't resist hookers. Dixie, Trixie, you know what to do. Bender: Hello, boys! Your eyes say no, but your machine gun fire says- Mr. Wong: Ladies and gentleman and whatever, welcome to my most environmentally disastrous implosion ever. A whole star system! Zapp: Kif, old boy, mind if I sit on your shoulders for a better view? Kif: Well, actually, sir, I was hoping... Mr. Wong: My associate Philip Fry here will have honor to blow this ugly, dirty star into nice, clean black hole. Mr. Wong: Fry, what you doing down there? Fry: Just polishing your shoes, Mr. W. Mr. Wong: Mmm, that nice. Get between the toes there, very dirty. Bender: Well, so much for Plan B. Leela: What's Plan C? Bender: All situations have the same Plan C. Bending, come on. Leela: We're boned, Bender. It's a brick wall. Bender: Granted, it's not on the list of approved bendables, but I'm so great! Amy: Dogs! The boning continues. Bender: Green Bluebird, this is Mr. Fabulous. We are go for cheesing it. Leela: Professor! Hermes! Zoidberg! Uh... Scruffy: Scruffy. The janitor. Leela: You helped us escape? Even after we locked you in a go-go cage like common go-go dancers? Farnsworth: I couldn't live with myself, Leela. I call myself a scientist, wear the white coat and probe a monkey every now and again, yet I put monetary gain ahead of preserving nature. Can you ever forgive me? Scruffy: I reckon. Leela: I could kiss you, Professor. Farnsworth: Okay, but watch out for my new grill. Zapp Brannigan: Before the grand finally , as it were, it seems only fitting that I, Commodore 64 Zapp Brannigan, say a few brief pages in honor of... Nine (Telepathically): Whatever your plan is, Fry, I suggest you get on with it. Get... Shoot, I got hot sauce on my Number 9 shirt. Fry (Telepathically): Okay, locate the Dark One by finding someone whose thoughts I can't read. Zapp Brannigan: And unaccustomed... Zapp Brannigan (Telepathically): By God! I'm the greatest speaker of all time. They're suckling at the teats of my every syllable. Zapp Brannigan: Allow me now... Kif (Telepathically): His voice is like ear sandpaper.I miss Amy. Mom (Telepathically): If I had all the money in the world, I'd... Oh, wait. I do. Calculon (Telepathically): I'd like to thank the academy, my agent, and most of all, my operating system, Windows 7, for everything it... System error. Snoop Dogg (Telepathically): Naked ladies. Naked ladies. Naked ladies. Naked ladies. Mr. Wong (Telepathically): I never should have taken that accent elimination class from Jackie Chan. Zapp Brannigan: And so, as we obliterize this star, let us remember those immortal words once spoken by a great man, moi. And I quote, "All good things must come to an end, preferably in a humongous explosion." Mr. Wong: Let's pop this beach ball. All: Ten! Nine! Eight! Fry (Telepathically): There's no one here whose thoughts can't be read. No one, except me! My thoughts can't be read. But, but that's crazy. If I were the Dark One, I'd know it, wouldn't I? But, here I am, right where the Dark One would be, about to blow up the star. Oh, God! Somewhere deep inside of me, it's me! I'm the Dark One! All: Two... one! Leela: Put your hands in the air! Snoop Dogg: Should we wave them like we just don't care? Leela: That's optional. Mr. Wong: You girl punks gone too far this time. Your parents should be ashamed. Amy: Yes, you should! Kif: Amy! Mysterious Voice (Telepathically To Mr. Wong): Destroy the star, Leo, hurry. Mr. Wong: You got it, Mr. Voice-in-my-head. I've gotta admit, Amy, you got a pretty good swing. Amy: Really? Thanks, Dad. Leela: Okay, time to defuse this star cracker once and for all. Fry: Leela, wait. You're making a mistake. You have no idea what's really going on. Leela: What is really going on? Fry: I can't tell you. Leela: Then why should I trust you? Why? Fry: Because... Because... Leela: You're you. That's all I need to know. Bender: No! Don't do it! Scruffy: Fiddlesticks. Amy: Leela, are you crazy? We became fugitives and jail-breakers to stop him. Bender: And hookers, don't forget hookers. Leela: Shame on all of you. After everything we've been through together, do you really think Fry would- Fry: Goodbye, Leela. I destroy myself to save you. Nixon'S Head: Where's the boom? I was expecting a boom. Fry: It didn't work. I'm the Dark One, and it didn't do anything. Mysterious Voice: You're not the Dark One, I am. Fry: Leela? Mysterious Voice: Not Leela, you moron. Me! What did you do to me? Leela: Ew! Dark One: I am the Dark One. The very last Dark One. How is it possible I couldn't read your mind? Oh, I am momentarily disabled. Randy: What's happening out there? Sal: Somethings wondersful. Leela: The star and the asteroid. They were an egg and a sperm. Preacherbot: Great modem of mercy. Cover the children's eyes. Morbo: There are no children here. Preacherbot: Then move your fat head. I can't see. Nine: The Encyclopod is reborn. A new green age has begun! Mad Fellow: So the legend foretold. Farnsworth: Look! Inside its pouch. Extinct Tasmanian tigers. Amy: And dodo birds. Leela: And white rhinos. Hermes: And striped biologist-taunters. Striped Biologist-Taunter: What are you gonna do, shoot us? Encyclopod: Life! These once extinct plants and animals are my gift to the universe. Through untold generations, my race has treasured their DNA. Treat them wisely with the knowledge that all species are precious. Leela: This is unbelievable. What's going on? Hutch: To answer that, I must tell you a story. A story of two alien species so ancient that- Fry: Hutch, are you okay? Hutch: My sister's femi-necklace. Fry: What? Hey, how come I can't read your thoughts anymore? Encyclopod: I shall avenge you, Hutch Waterfall. Nine: After all these eons, the Dark Ones are no more. Will you preserve their DNA, O' Great Encyclopod? Encyclopod: I suppose I should. Wait, where did it go? Zoidberg: What? Encyclopod: Well, at any rate, I shall preserve the DNA of Homo sapiens. Fry: Huh. I thought you only saved the DNA of endangered species. Encyclopod: Farewell. Fry: I guess he didn't hear me. Bender: Well, looks like that wraps everything up in a nice big, old, fat sack of... Zapp Brannigan: I hereby arrest you fugitives on 53 counts of fugivity. Kif, round them up, and spare me the weary sigh for once. Kif? Kif: Wait for me. Fry: Well, this is the end. There was so many things I wanted to say to you. Leela: Like what? Fry: Like this is not the end. But mostly just, I love you, Leela. Leela: Maybe I waited too long to say this, but I love you, too- wormhole! Hermes: Sweet topology of cosmology, it's huge! Farnsworth: If we fly into it, it could take us trillions of light years away. There's no knowing if we'll ever return. Fry: What do we do? Should we go for it? Bender: Into the breach, meatbags. Or not. Whatever. All: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Bender: On the count of three, you will awaken feeling refreshed, as if Futurama had never been cancelled by idiots, then brought back by bigger idiots. 1... 2... Bender: This has been a test of the Emergency Hypnotoad System. Had this been an actual hypnosis, you would go limp and watch whatever crap comes on next. Comin' up next Futurama! Fry: Professor, my Fry-fro's all frizzy. Farnsworth: OK. Fry: That's all. Farnsworth: So!? What of it? Fry: Well, why is- those things? Farnsworth: You mean you don't remember? Fry: Nope, nothing. It's like when I passed out in college, except no one drew magic marker penises on my forehead. Farnsworth: Well, I suppose it's for the best, considering the unbearable horrors you've endured. Let's never speak of it again. Zapp: Fire all weapons and open a hailing frequency for my victory yodel. Farnsworth: And so, as you and Leela kissed goodbye in a tender display of toungesmanship, we plunged into a massive wormhole. Never to be seen again. Bender: Yeah, we're back. Hermes: Sweet coincidence of Port-au-Prince, we're back at Earth! Farnsworth: Of course, that was the Panama Wormhole, Earth's central channel for shipping! Zoidberg: How humorous. Farnsworth: Yes! It's sort of a Comedy Central channel, and we're on it now! Amy: I get it! Fry: We've lost power to the forward Game Boy, Mario not responding! Leela: Brace for emergency landing! Farnsworth: Rodger that, activate Safety Spheres! Also mine has air conditioning. Farnsworth: Yet, thanks to my trusty safety sphere, I surblibed with only tribial bray dablage. Fry: And the others? Farnsworth: Right here behind this horror cloth. Fry: Are they dead? Farnsworth: Oh, no no no, much worse. Farnsworth: Move over God! Prepare for rebirth! Wrong switch. Farnsworth: Come on, stem cells. Work your astounding scientific nonsense! Fry: Fetal steam cells? Aren't those controversial? Farnsworth: In your time yes, but nowadays, shut up! Besides, these are adult stem cells harvested from perfectly healthy adults, whom I killed for their stem cells. Fry: Hermes Conrad! Hermes: Oh, mon! I'm dripping with placenta! Good thing it's Casual Friday. Fry: Amy Wong! Amy: Oh, baby soft! Farnsworth: Indeed. <Poem>Hermes: Dr. Zoidberg! Zoidberg: Hermes, my friend! Let me cut off your umbilical cord. Oops. Fry: And the rest! Amy: Hooray, we're back in business! Zapp: Over my dead body. Uh, never mind. Fry: Bender! Are the steam cells working? Bender: I'm dying. I need mouth to ass resuscitation. Fry: I'm on it! It's not working! Bender: I die happy knowing you fell for that. Farnsworth: His power supply is shot! He is flatlining! Only one thing can keep him alive. Possibly this thing. Bender: Woo! I've never felt so energetic! Farnsworth: That's because the doomsday device I shoved all up in you puts out 50 gigawatts. That's ten times your recommended- Bender: Who are you? My warranty? Farnsworth: For God's sake, Bender! Keep dancing, keep whooping it up! You must burn off the doomsday energy as fast as it produces, or it will build to critical levels. Bender: You don't mean... Farnsworth: Oh, but I do. If you stop partying for a single second, you'll explode and kill everyone here in a fireball of melting gears and splattered bowels. Bender: Sounds like a party, baby! Fry: Hey! Speaking of splattered bowels, can I cook you a romantic dinner tonight, Leela?... Where's Leela? Is she okay? Why hasn't she acknowledged my dinner offer? Farnsworth: Something's wrong! She's not responding to my poking stick. Fry: Poke harder, damn it! Farnsworth: I'm poking as hard as I can! I'm sorry, Fry, but I'm afraid Leela is in an irreversible coma. Bender: Coma, coma, coma, coma, coma, chameleon! Fry: My soul mate is gone. Why should I go on living? Bender: Because the pain slowly fades but the love is forever. Fry: But, what if I forget the sweet sound of her voice or the moist touch of her eyeball on my lips? Bender: Aw! Are you still hung up on Whatshername? Move on already! Fry: Maybe you're right. Bender: Maybe I'm always right. Fry: Build-A-Bot Workshop? It's time to start living again! Fry: At least it's something to distract me from Leela. Nah. Now that I like for some reason. Robot Leela: I like jellybeans. Do you? Fry: I sure do, honey. Farnsworth: Come now, Fry! You can't live out this sick fantasy! Not without our help. Hermes: These security tapes record everything at Planet Express. Including the ship, shower, and urinals. <Poem>Amy: And yet, it still hasn't stopped the elusive bathroom burglar. Zoidberg: Maybe he's just trying to feed his family. Hermes: Computer, analyze tapes and extract personality profile of one Turanga Leela. Computer: Analyzing...analyzing...Checking my eBay bid. Dammit. Analysis complete. Fry: Hey, I was nuzzling that! <Poem>Computer: Attributes transferred...Shoe size 12...etc. Robot Leela: Brace for emergency landing! What? We survived the crash? Oh, Fry! Bender: Party people in the house say, Robot Leela: This is wonderful! The last thing I remember I was dying in an explosion. Yet here I am in the flesh more alive than ever! Fry: Alive? Hermes: You better tell her, Fry. Robot Leela: Tell me what? Hermes: Anyway, my work is done. I'm gonna hit the showers. Robot Leela: Nibbler, come give mama a hug! Ow! What the-?! Bad Nibbler! Bad Nibbler! What are you doing, pooperdoodle? It's me, Leela. [Montage: Robot Leela continues screaming and looking at her chewed off arm in front of her locker, while walking down the streets of New New York, while brushing her teeth, and while riding the tube transport system.] [End Montage: Robot Leela finally stops screaming in the Professor's laboratory, which now has the real Leela, still in a coma, in a glass coffin.] <Poem>Robot Leela: Am I really just a robot? I mean, I have Leela's memories! Her opinion of gazelles! (Majestic.) Her emotions! (Confused and hurt.) Fry: I swear. I didn't know this would happen. The only thing I truly know is I love you. I mean her-Wait, help me out here. Bender: Do the Bender! Do the Bender! Randy: No thank you. Bender: I said, "Do it!" [Cut To: Fry and Robot Leela are sitting at a table in the club. Robot Leela now has white bandages on to hide where the wirings are.] <Poem>Robot Leela: The truth is, Fry, I still have feelings for you. But are they really my feelings? Am I just an automaton or can a machine of sufficient complexity legitimately achieve consciousness? Fry: I agree. Robot Leela: I need some time to figure this out. Until then, friends? Fry: Okay. Bender: Listen up, disco dummies, you just flunked outta Bender's College for Party Knowledge! Bender: Do the back dance! Do the back dance! Ooh... Farnsworth (V.O.): Good news, everyone... [Scene: Farnsworth's laboratory] <Poem>Farnsworth (Cont'D): I'm going to make one final attempt to awaken Leela. After all, there's always hope. Fry: Really? Farnsworth: No, don't get your hopes up. Frankly, she's just a brainless mound of scabs and pus. Fry: Oh! I didn't need to hear that. Farnsworth: No, and you don't need to see this. Machine: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Machine: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!! Farnsworth: Well, that's it. I'm afraid traditional medicine has failed. Fry: No! I refuse to give up! Wake up, Leela! I! Love! You! Robot Leela: Fry, stop. She's gone. Farnsworth: Dr. Zoidberg, can you note the time and declare the patient legally dead? Zoidberg: Can I? That's my specialty. Hermes: As you all know, Leela's living will states that in the event of coma, her body is to be fed to the wild Cyclophage, a highly endangered creature that eats only cyclopses. Bender: Yep, that's what her donor card says. Fry: Goodbye, my love. Farnsworth: The beast aproacheth. Bender: To the beat y'all! To the beat y'all! I'm dancin' a jig wid ma feets y'all! Amy (Whispering): Bender, cut it out! People are trying to have emotions! Bender (Angry): You think I wanna party? I'm sick of partying! Woohoo! More partying! Leela: Bender, shut the hell up! Farnsworth: Bender, stop shutting the hell up! Bender: Oh, right. Leela's back. As if I care. Woo. Leela: Thanks. It's so nice to wake up and see- Fry: Leela?! Robot Leela: Leela? Leela: Leela? Hermes: Leela. Leela: How is this possible? And can you believe she wore a tank top to my funeral? Robot Leela: Shut up! We gotta get outta here! Leela: No, you "Shut up! We gotta get outta here!" <Poem>Bender: Ooh, yeah, baby, come on! Bender: All aboard the party ship! [Cut To: Both Leelas are fighting over the steering wheel] <Poem>Leela: There's no room for two captains' butts in this chair! Robot Leela: There would be if you'd taken a spin class instead of lounging around in a coma! Leela (V.O.): This is crazy. Leela: It's like I'm looking at an exact robot duplicate of myself. Farnsworth: That is what you're looking at. Leela: Oh. How could you do this, Fry? Fry: Uh, coma. Sad. Robot Leela: I have to go! This is just too freaky! Fry: Don't get upset, Leela. She's nothing like you. Leela: I have to go! This is just too freaky! Fry: I need cheering up, Bender. I dunno. You wanna go out and party tonight? Bender: I hate partying! If only I didn't have so much crunk in my badunkadunk! Ooh, yeah! Come on, babe! Fry (Sighing): Why does everything I date run away? I love Leela, always and forever. And if I loved Robot Leela, too... Fry (Cont'D): ...well, that's only 'cause she had so much of real Leela in her. I thought she loved me, too, but, obviously, I was wrong as usual. Leela: Wrong again. You were right. Fry: Leela? Leela Leela? Leela: Leela Leela. I've been thinking, Fry, if I lost you, I don't think I could stand it, either. I'd probably build a copy of you, too. As long as Robo-Leela's not a jealous type like me, thing will wor- Robot Leela: I'll kill you, you slut-clops! Hee-ya! He's mine! Leela: Oh, back off, missy! Amy: Somebody do something! Here, take this. Fry: A gun?! D-Do I really need to-? Leela: Shoot her! She's the robot! Robot Leela: No, shoot her! She's the human! Fry: But-But how do I know who's the human and who's the robot? Leela: We just told you! Robot Leela: Yeah, you idiot! Fry: Okay. Fine. If you're gonna be like that, I'm not shooting anyone. Whoa! Right between the lungs. Man, that was close. Fry (Gasps): I'm a robot, too! Zoidberg: Aha! That explains this growth on your drive shaft. Robot Fry: But how is this possible? Farnsworth: Who knows? Oh, I do. Allow me to explain what really happened the day the ship crashed. Fry: I'll protect you, Leela! My love is stronger than the vast majority of explosions! Farnsworth (V.O.): Fry did in fact save Leela, though at a terrible cost to himself. I tossed him into the stem cells but he just bubbled away like phlegm on a hot sidewalk. <Poem>Farnsworth (V.O.): Leela was so upset, she went all Blade Runner and built a duplicate... Farnsworth (V.O): ...then uploaded his personality from the urinal surveillance tapes. Fry: I sure love Leela. Farnsworth (V.O.): Alas, in recreating Fry's adorable jelly belly, she had overstuffed him with copper wadding. Farnsworth (V.O.): The inevitable static discharged electrocuted Leela and destroyed both of their short-term memories. Robot Fry: So that's why I'm so amazed by these things I already knew. Farnsworth (V.O.): What could I do? I hung up Leela with the other bone bags and went to procure the final ingredient for my stem cell brew. Robot Fry: Professor, my Fry-fro's all frizzy. Leela: My god, I can't believe I'll never see that particular Fry again. Fry: Hey, where's my shoes? Robot Fry: Fry! Fry: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was already here. Wait, what's with all the Leelas? Robot Fry: Trust me, don't ask. Fry: Okay, dork. Listen, I'm gonna hit the urinal, maybe talk about myself a little bit, then- Robot Leela: Hang on! It's time to sort things out. The truth is I love Fry. That Fry. Robot Fry: And I love Leela. Any Leela. Robot Leela: We're robots and we're in love. Let's ditch these meat jackets. Robot Fry: Whoa, cool! Robot Fry: Hasta la vista, wiener! Robot Leela: We'll be back...for our stuff. Amy: Why did their voices change? Farnsworth: That's the one thing we'll never truly understand. Fry: Uh, this is a bit awkward. Or is it? Leela: I'm not sure. I lost track around the second robot. Fry: Well, you know how I feel. I waited for you for a thousand years. I can wait a little longer. Bender: Pffft! What a load of mush! I've had it! Amy (Gasps): He's gonna blow! Farnsworth: Party, Bender! Party for your life! Bender: No chance, hot pants! I'd rather die and kill all of you than party for one more millisecond! Leela: The cyclops eater! Bender: Hold on, mac! It ain't like that! Bender: Geez, what's it take to kill me? Farnsworth: Bender, you blew out your excess capacity! You're cured! Bender: Oh, sweet mercy. My hellish nightmare is over. I never have to party again. Fry: Well, that's that, then. We're back, everyone! Bender: Party!! Zapp: Wheeee!

Fry: This is awesome! I've been waiting a thousand years to see a Beastie Boys show. Bender: Can I get anybody a beer? Fry: Sure! Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, here to lay down some old, old, incredibly old school beats The Beastie Boys! Beastie Boys: Well now don't you tell to smile, You stick around,, I'll make it worth your while Got numbers beyond what you can dial, Maybe it's because I'm so versatile, Style profile I said, It always brings me back when I hear Wu Child... Leela: Impressive. They're busting mad rhymes with an 80% success rate. Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical standpoint. Fry: Will you guys shut up! I'm trying to look cool. Beastie Boys: ...known for the Flintstone Flop Tammy D gettin' biz on the crop, Beastie Boys know to let the beat... Mike: Drop! Ow! How's it going? Enjoying the show? Ow! Don't forget to pick up a T-shirt! Fry: Wow! An old-fashioned mosh pit! Come on, guys. Tonight we're gonna party like its 1999 ... again. Beastie Boys: Well it's 50 cups of coffee and you know it's on I move the crowd to the break of break of dawn... Leela: Ow! Hey, watch it! Fry: Man, these guys rock harder than ever! Mike: Oh, my... Mca: It's a mirage... Ad-Rock: Tellin' you all it's a... Beastie Boys: Sabotage! Ad-Rock: Sabotage, yeah! Mike: Peace, we out! Fender: Hey, Bender! Bender: Hey, Fender! Man, I haven't seen you since high school. You still workin' at Jack In The Box? Fender: Not anymore, baby. I'm with the band! Mike: Aw! Oh, yeah! Fender: Hey, fellas, hey. I want you to meet my friends, Bender, Fry and Leela. Ad-Rock: Y'know, we're really not that interested in meeting them. Fry: Wow! I love you guys! Back in the 20th century, I had all five of your albums. Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven. Fry: Cool! Can I borrow the new ones? And a couple of blank tapes? Fender: Hey, Bender, why don't we ditch these organ sacks and hit the real party? Bender: Count me in! I'm gonna drink till I reboot! Bender: Hey, what kinda party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker. Fender: Don't be a drag, man. We're jacking on! Aw, yeah! Wanna jolt? Bender: Uh, hey, I'm no square but isn't that counter-indicated by my operations manual? Robot: Counter indicated! Fender: Come on, Bender, grab a jack. I told these guys you were cool. Bender: Well, if jacking on'll make strangers think I'm cool, I'll do it! Fender: Easy, baby. You don't wanna get hooked on this stuff. Bender: Eh, no need to worry. I don't have an addictive personality. Fry: Hey, uh, Bender? What are we doing in this bad neighbourhood? Bender: Shut up, square! I'll just be a minute! Preacherbot: Wretched sinner unit! The path to robot heaven lies here ... ... in The Good Book 3.0. Bender: Hey! Do I preach to you when you're lying stoned in the gutter? No! So beat it! Fry: Who was that guy? Bender: Your mama! Now shut up and drag me to work! Hermes: Our electric bill's climbing faster than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone round been wastin' a whole heap a juice! Probably you! Zoidberg: Me? Amy: Good morning, Bender. Bender: None of your business! Get off my back! Amy: What's his problem? Leela: If I didn't know better I'd almost think he was abusing electricity. Fry: Bender? No way! I definitely would've noticed something. Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are you jacking on in there? Bender: No! Don't come in! Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Today you'll be delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet! Bender: Alright, let's get to work! I'll be out in a second. Fry: I know Big Vinnie said he was giving me the kiss of death but I still think he was gay. Leela: Did he use his tongue? Fry: A little. You OK, Bender? Bender: None of your business! Get off my back! Leela: Uh-oh. There seems to be some sort of electrical disturbance in the Coalsack Nebula. Bender: A what kind of disturbance? Leela: Electrical. Anyway, it's going to take some careful piloting to avoid it. Leela: We're out of control. We're heading straight into the electric field! Fry: What's happening? I-I feel weird! Bender: Come on, universe, you big, mostly empty wuss! Gimmie all the juice you got! Oh, mama! Bender: What? Leela: Bender, we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your pornography ring. Zoidberg: In fact, that's why we loved you. Leela: But this electricity abuse crossed the line. You almost killed us. Fry: And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. Just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs and then he sold me my mom's VCR and then later I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend. Bender: You're right. I'm a lost cause. Bender: Maybe there's another way. Bender: Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff. What am I doing? What have I become? Huh? Preacherbot: I see a lot of fancy robots here today, made of real shiny metal. But that don't impress the Robot Devil, no, sir! Vergerbot: No, sir! Preacherbot: 'Cause if you're a sinner, he's gonna plug his infernal modem in the wall, belchin' smoke and flame. And he's gonna download you straight to Robot Hell! Vergerbot: Straight to hell! Preacherbot: So I ask you Who will stand up and be saved? Who? Who? Bender: Me. Hermes: And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt-water cooler. Zoidberg: This is a witch hunt! Bender: Oh, what a beautiful morning, Oh what a beautiful day! (talking) Greetings, friends. Don't we all look nice today? Fry: Great! He's whacked out on electricity again. Bender: No, I'm whacked out on life. My friends, I found religion. Fry: Religion? Is this another scam to get free yarmulkes? Leela: Give him a break, Fry. If this helps Bender clean up his act then I think we should be supportive. Farnsworth: Yes. Amy: Oh, yeah. Hermes: Oh, yes! Zoidberg: Oh, yeah. Bender: Wonderful. Then you'll all come to my exceedingly long, un-air-conditioned baptism ceremony! Preacherbot: We are gathered here today to deliver brother Bender from the cold, steel grip of the Robot Devil unto the cold, steel bosom of our congregation. Robot #2: Tell it, Preacher! Robot #3: That equals true. Preacherbot: Brother Bender, do you accept the principles of Robotology on pain of eternal damnation in Robot Hell? Bender: Yes, I do. Preacherbot: Then I will now baptise you. Press any key to continue. Bender: Uh, while you're at it, could you touch up this seam? Leela: This is unbelievable. The old Bender never would have taken us out to dinner. Bender: The old Bender's gone. He won't trouble you anymore. Waiter: Would monsieur care to see the wine list? Bender: No poison for us, thanks. I'll stick with good old mineral oil. Ah! Functional! Hermes: Mon, I'm hungrier than a green snake in a sugar cane field! Bender: Friends! Friends! Surely you're not going to eat before we say Robot Grace? In the name of all that is good and logical we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerematic 1000101010101... Bender: ...0010110012. Amen. Fry: Does that mean we can eat now? Bender: Yes. But first, since I love you all so much, I'd like to give everyone hugs. Come here, Fry! Fry: Oh, uh, but I don't want to. Bender: Mmm! Mmm! Fry, you're my friend! Come on, everyone line up for a hug. Let's tear down some emotional walls. Leela: What are you doing to my ship? Bender: Sanctifying it! There! That ought to convert a few tailgaters. Fry: Bender's stupid religion is driving me nuts. Leela: Amen. Farnsworth: If only he had joined a mainstream religion like Oprah-ism or Voodoo. Fry: We've got to get the old Bender back. Leela: And I think I know a way to do it. We have to reacquaint him with a little thing called "sleaze". Bender: I can't believe somebody hired an interstellar spaceship to deliver a package to Atlantic City. What are we delivering anyway? Fry: Uh, this. Bender: Where are we delivering it to? Leela: Uh, here. Bender: Another job well done. Now back to the office for an enjoyable evening of fasting and repentance. Fry: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, Bender. So long as we're here why don't we take in some exotic dancing? Leela: Hey, great idea! Bender: But ... those girls don't wear cases. You can see their bare circuits. Fry: Come on, it'll be fun! Maybe we could even drink a little fortified wine. Bender: What? Drinking wine is a sin. Even if it is deliciously fortified. Leela: Hey, Bender, look at that woman's purse. It's hanging by a spaghetti strand. Bender: Thou shalt not snatch. Fry: And there's Hookerbot 5000. She's got a heart of solid gold! Hookerbot: Hey, sailing unit! Bender: Stop tempting me! For once in my life I have inner peace. Fry: Pfft! That's for losers. C'mon, sin your heart out. Leela: Go nuts. Hookerbot: Live a little. Woman: Could you hold my purse for a minute? Fry: Go for it, Bender. You know you wanna! Bender: Well... Bender: I'm the greatest. Woo-hoo! Fry: Look's like we got the old Bender back! Bender: You know it, pork pie! Except for one thing. Bender: Y'know, as a major Hollywood director, I'll be holding auditions tonight for my next movie. And even though you're all young and naive, I think you might just have what it takes. Hey! I'm trying to score here! Can't you read the "Do Not Disturb" sign? No! No! Robot Devil: Greetings, Bender! Welcome to Robot Hell. Leela: What in hell happened to Bender? Fry: Well he didn't check out. The ashtray's still here. Look, Nibbler's caught the scent of vodka and motor oil! Go, boy. Follow that stench. Bender: I'm hallucinating this, right? Robot Devil: No, Bender. Robot Hell is quite real. Here's our brochure. Bender: But I don't belong here. I don't like things that are scary and painful. Robot Devil: Sorry, Bender, you agreed to this when you joined our religion. If you sin you go to Robot Hell, for all eternity. Bender: Aw, hell- I mean "heck"! Robot Devil: It's alright, you can say that here. Fry: Wait! I remember this place. They shut it down after all those people caught salmonella from the flume ride. Leela: Hmm. Look! It's the symbol of Bender's old religion. Fry: Unbelievable. It's an actual, factual Robot Hell. Leela: Who would've thought hell would really exist? And that it would be in New Jersey! Fry: Actually- Robot Devil: We know all your sins, Bender. And for each one we've prepared an agonising and ironic punishment. Gentlemen? Bender: Aw, crap, singing. Mind if I smoke? Robot Devil: Cigars are evil, You won't miss 'em, We'll find ways to simulate that smell, What a sorry fella, Rolled up and smoked like a panatela, Here on level one of Robot Hell! Robot Devil: Gambling's wrong and so is cheating, So is forging phoney IOU's, Let's let Lady Luck decide, What type of torture's justified, I'm pit boss here on level two! Robot Devil: Ooh! Deep-fried robot! Bender: Just tell me why. Robot Devil: Please read this 55-page warrant. Bender: There must be robots worse than I. Robot Devil: We've checked around, there really aren't. Bender: Then please let me explain, My crimes were merely boy-ish pranks. Robot Devil: You stole from boy scouts, nuns and banks! Bender: Ah, don't blame me, Blame my upbringing! Robot Devil: Please stop sinning while I'm singing! Robot Devil: Selling bootleg tapes is wrong, Musicians need that income to survive. Beastie Boys: Hey, Bender, gonna make some noise, With your hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys! That's whatcha, whatcha, whatcha get on level five! Fry: I don't feel well. Leela: It's up to us to rescue him. Fry: Maybe he likes it here in Hell. Leela: It's us who tempted him to sin. Fry: Maybe he's back at the motel. Leela: Come on, Fry, don't be scared, I'm sure at least one of us will be spared, So just sit back, enjoy the ride. Fry: My ass has blisters from the slide. Robot Devil: Fencing diamonds, Fixing cockfights, Publishing indecent magazines, Robot Devil: You'll pay for every crime, Knee-deep in electric slime, You'll suffer till the end of time, Enduring torture's, most of which rhyme, Trapped forever here in Robot Hell! Robot Devil: Of course, that's just for starters. Fry: Bender, are you alright? Bender: No! Oh, they're tormenting me with up-tempo singing and dancing. Leela: Alright, Beelzebot, what'll it take to get our friend back? Robot Devil: Sorry, but I hold all the cards here. There's nothing I can do. Now, if you'll just sign this fiddle contest waiver. Leela: Wait. What fiddle contest? Robot Devil: The Fairness In Hell Act of 2275 requires me to inform you that if you can best me in a fiddle contest, you win back Bender's soul. As well as a solid gold fiddle. Fry: Wouldn't a solid gold fiddle weigh hundreds of pounds and sound crummy? Robot Devil: Well it's mostly for show. Leela: Do you know how to play the fiddle? Fry: No. Do you? Leela: No, but I used to play the drums. They're sorta similar. What happens if we lose? Robot Devil: You'll only win a smaller, silver fiddle. Also I guess I'll kill one of you, uh, him. Leela: We'll do it. Robot Devil: Very well, then. Beat this. Bender: Well, we're boned. Robot Devil: Your turn. Ha! Leela: Time for the drum solo! Fry: Run! Robot Devil: Stop them! They cheated! Leela: Hurry, Bender! Bender: I could if you'd drop the stupid gold violin! Leela: Oh, sorry. Bender: Don't worry, guys, I'll never be too good or too evil again. From now on, I'll just be me. Leela: Uh, do you think you could be just little less evil than that. Bender: I don't know. Do you think you could survive a 700ft fall? Fry: Good old Bender! Beastie Boys: Yeah, yeah! This one goes out to my man, Bender, Sending this one out, special dedication, To all my peoples in the robot homeworld, Yeah, yeah! Big up with the Professor, My man, Dr. Zoidberg, I'd like to shout out- a personal shout out to Leela, Fry! My man, Bender, Nibber, Nibbler, in the house, Big shout out to all Futurama!

Transition Announcer: And now, The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan! Brought to you by Bartley's Rocket Wax. Zapp: I wax my rocket every day. Emperor Chop Chop: No one can save you now, Leela. Leela Actress: Well, what about Zapp Brannigan? Emperor Chop Chop: Well, obviously, Zapp Brannigan can save you, but- Zapp Brannigan! Zapp: So, Emperor Chop Chop, once again we meet at last! Drop that space gun or I'll shoot! Like so! Leela Actress: Oh, Zapp! Tie me back up and ravish me! Zapp: I'd like to, Leela. So I will. Zapp: Ooh, yeah, shake it, baby. Shake it like- I surrender and volunteer for treason! Kif: Emergency summons from the President, captain. Zapp: Oh, it's you. Just let me freshen up. Computer, captain's musk. Zapp: The long dramatic corridor. That's never a good sign. Scanner: Glove recognized. Proceed, Mrs. Eisenhower. <Poem>Zapp: Mr. President, what the hell? Nixon: At ease, Brannigan. Nixon: What you're about to see is highly classified. Reptillicus, hit the thingy. Nixon: At 0000 hours, Planet XXX was attacked by a mysterious death sphere. Zapp: Magnify that death sphere. Why's it still blurry? Kif: That's all the resolution we have. Making it bigger doesn't make it clearer. Zapp: It does on CSI Miami. Nixon: They fought back with advance military hardware, but it was like shooting BB's at Bebe Rebozo. Zapp: That poor brave hardware. Nixon: The sphere then fired some kind of hellish blackout ray. Erased that planet like eighteen minutes of incriminating tape. Zapp: Oh, I just wish I understood why. Why I should care. Nixon: Because the death sphere is now on course for Earth! Rowrowooooooo!! Zapp: My god, we're defenseless. Like fish in a barrel. Nixon: Options? Zapp: My instinct is to hide in this barrel. Like the wily fish. Nixon: Then we're down to our last hope. A radical new weapon built by a visionary scientist I once dismissed as crazy. Farnsworth: Let's see how crazy I am now, Nixon! The correct answer is very. Nixon: Alright, Professor. Sock it to me! Farnsworth: Top secret news, everyone! I've developed a tiny one-man stealth fighter that's virtually undetectable. Zapp: How undetectable? Farnsworth: It's right in front of you. Zapp: I find that-OW!-to believe. Bender: But how exactly is this Happy Meal toy gonna destroy a giant death sphere? Farnsworth: From within. This ship should be able to sneak undetected through the sphere's one vulnerable opening. Hermes: What vulnerable opening? Farnsworth: All death spheres have one vulnerable opening. Zoidberg: Well, sure, but who's brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a "death sphere"? Nixon: I say Brannigan. Zapp: I say no. Leela: I say me. Nixon: I say Leela. Leela: I say yes. Fry: I say no. Zapp: I say Leela, too. Leela: I say yes again. Zapp: I say I shall join her. Leela: But it's only a one-man craft...I say. Zapp: There'll only be one man. Me. How would you feel if I rode rear as your personal tail gunner? Leela: Creeped out. Zapp: Then it's decided. Leela: Are you sure I have to sit in your lap? Zapp: It'll help us achieve maximum thrust. Fry: I made you some trail mix for the flight. Also this picture to remember me by. Leela: You hold on to it. I'll be back soon. Farnsworth: Activate stealth shielding. Leela: Liftoff! Zapp: I'll rodger that. Fry: Did anyone else feel aroused and jealous and worried? Bender: I haven't felt much of anything since my guinea pig died. Leela: Death sphere in range. Engaging holographic targeting. Activating the Force. The Force: Feel the entrance, Leela. Destination on your left in... zero point three miles. Zapp: Zapp to Leela look at all that surveillance equipment. Leela: We better whisper. Zapp: Switching to pillow talk mode. Leela: Look. What are those huge letters? Zapp: "V-GINY?" Doesn't ring a bell. Farnsworth (V.O.): Hmmm... Farnsworth: I don't like the looks of this "V-GINY." Does anyone recognize those call letters? Hermes: Nope. It's not in the Janeway's Guide either. Farnsworth: Deciphering that ID code is critical. I'll be in the Chamber of Understanding. Leela: This is it! The moment we should've trained for! Leela: Holy cr- Zapp: Incoming yucky! Leela: Firing pocket rocket! Zapp: Don't panic, Leela! Go go go go go! Leela: I hope this is the control stick! Zapp: Captain's Log We've lost control. Addendum Whoooaa-oooooaa-ooaaaah!!! Transition Announcer: And now, back to The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan! Zapp: Chapter Two "The Heat Thickens". Zapp: Leela, wake up! I can't face this mysterious planet alone without you or someone like you. Leela: Zapp? Zapp, wake up! Zapp: Leela? Where are we. Leela: We crashed on an uncharted planet. When I woke up, I was pinned under this tree. Can you help me? Zapp: If anyone can move it, I can. No one can move it. Are you hurt? Leela: No. But I'm so thirsty. This spacesuit is making me sweat like a sow. Zapp: Me, too. We better strip them off and continue surviving au naturel. Leela: Uh, I suppose so. Zapp: Here. We can cover ourselves with these sticky sap-covered leaves. I'll try to avert my eyes from your nudery. Leela: You will? Eh, what's the point? You'll have to look sooner or later. Zapp: Well, I promise not to abuse the privilege. For now, I better scout around for food and water and help. Leela: What a thoughtful and considerate thing to say. What the hell's wrong with you? Zapp: I'm not quite sure. Perhaps it's the fresh air or a severe head injury. In any case, I'm off. Leela: If you see any steaks, that'd be good! Fry: Why isn't Leela back yet? Do you think she's okay? Bender: How should I know? And how come you never ask if I'm okay? I'm feelin' a little neglected here! Fry: Oh, sorry. Are you okay, Bender? Bender: Shut up! Hermes: What difference does it make? When that death sphere gets to Earth, we'll all be blown to Manwich meat! Amy: Well, I guess it's time to indulge in some end-of-the-world debauchery. Who's up for an orgy? Zoidberg: Maybe a Parcheesi tournament. Farnsworth: Belay that Parcheesi tournament! I've identified the death sphere! We may yet have a faint hope of survival! Zoidberg: Still, a Parcheesi tournament. Farnsworth: This is a top secret military satellite launched by the Air Force in 1998. Farnsworth (Cont'D): And this is a top secret FCC satellite launched that same year to censor indecent TV programs. Bender: Like The Pimpsons? And Assarama? Farnsworth: Precisely. However, the satellites collided shortly after launch and were never heard from again. Zoidberg: I found the board! Farnsworth: Now, I've simulated that collision using Shrapnovision(?). Fry: Granted, all that makes perfect sense, but why is this death sphere destroying planets? Farnsworth: That makes the most sense of all. Look at the planets it's destroyed so far. First came XXX, the nude beach planet. Then Poopiter. €$!#%&" comes on screen.] And finally that world that can't be mentioned in polite company. Fry: You mean... Amy: Aw! Farnsworth: How dare you!? Amy: Shame on- Hermes: So the death sphere is "censoring" indecent planets? Farnsworth: Indeed. And we're next if we can't keep it in our collective pants! Our sole hope is to persuade the people of Earth to abandon their smutty ways. Amy: So the orgy's off? Leela: So thirsty. Why couldn't a water fountain have fallen on me? Zapp: I couldn't find any water. But the moisture in these fruit and nut berries should sustain you. Leela: Thank you. Zapp: I climbed perilously high into the trees to pick them, yet I saw no sign of intelligent life. Leela: Bummer. Zapp: Moreover, the crash totally destroyed our ship. Leela: So we're stuck here until someone finds us? Zapp: Alas, that may never happen. Stealth technology makes the ship impossible to locate yet easy to stub your crotch on. Leela: Well, there's worse places to be marooned. Plenty of food, mild climate. Zapp: It's a veritable Garden of Eden. Leela: It is? Snake: Hello. Leela: Did that snake say, "Hello"? Zapp: No, we're both delirious from dehydration. Snake: Just like Adam and Eve. Farnsworth (V.O.): We can still save Earth. People are sure to clean up their act when presented with cold hard facts by rational folks like us. Farnsworth: The end is near! Repent thy sins! Sal: I'll thinks it overs while I engages this five dollar hooker. Fry: Don't do it! It's not worth it! Petunia: Okay, make it three dollars. Sal: Yuck! I don't wants no three-dollar hooker. I'm goin' backs to the adults bookstore. Fry: Adult bookstore? I thought this was the public library. Bender: Nope, pubic library. Leela: Zapp? Where are you? Oh, God, I'm actually starting to miss him. Snake: Maybe you two belong together. Leela: We do not. And you can't talk. Snake: Oh, come on! It must be an awful temptation. <Poem>Zapp: Guess who just killed a woodchuck with his bare feet? I thought I'd whip us up some shelter, make this a little more like home. Leela: I do miss the Earth terribly. I wonder if it's even still there. Zapp: Let's find out together. I'll brave the ship's wreckage to fetch you the telescope. Leela: That's so sweet. Snake: I'm just sayin' is all. Farnsworth: I know my new plan is a long shot, but it's the only hope left. Hermes: Well, now I've heard everything on my eyePod. So, do you have a new plan, Professor, and is there any hope left? Farnsworth: Indeed. We're here on Earth's last unspoiled acre to show the death sphere there's still purity in the world. Begin transmitting. Farnsworth: Commence purity chant. Fry: Hey, I'm proud of you, Bender. Avoiding sin for almost a full minute. Bender? Bender (V.O.): Aw, yeah, baby. You're quite a dish. <Poem>Farnsworth: Bender, stop!! STOP!! Bender: Aw, quiet, you riot. What's the worst that could happen? Leela (V.O.): No! Leela: No! Earth is gone! We're the only two humans left in the universe! Zapp: Oh, God, I'm sorry, Leela. Leela: Maybe - Maybe this was meant to be. Maybe you and I were meant to build a new world here. Zapp: We can avoid humanity's mistakes. Leela: Like the tuba. Zapp: Yes. We'll be like Adam and Eve. Leela: Only without the tuba. Zapp: And we'll beget little Zapp Jr. and Leela Jr. and they'll have kids of their ow-Yecch! Is that really what happened in the Bible?! Leela: It's a sick and twisted book of holiness all right. Zapp: Then we'll write our own Bible, with less Sodom and more Gomorra. Leela: Let's do it. I shall become the mother of a new world, trapped here under this tree. The Tree of Knowledge! Look, it even has apples! Ow! Wow! Come here, Adam, partake of my forbidden fruit. Zapp: Thee will be done. Leela: Wait! One more bite before we begin the begetting. Mmm, juicy. Those nut berries you found were so salty, I-I couldn't think straight. I mean, not to belabor it, but they were as salty as that bag of trail mix Fry gave me. Exactly as salty. Hey! Wait a second! Zapp: Uh...woh...ih...Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiih-I have a terrible confession to make! Zapp (V.O.): You see, when I first went foraging, what I actually found was the smoldering wreckage of the ship. Ignoring all danger, I charged inside to liberate our provisions. Leela: So this is the trail mix Fry gave me! Zapp: Yes! I exaggerated when I said I picked it from the treetops. I just wanted you to think a little better of me. Leela: Well, your motives were good. And we were both loopy from dehydration. Hey, wait! You've been doing an awful lot of urinating! Zapp: Ooooooiiiiiiigeeeaaaaaaaaaah, there's plenty of water! You see... [Flashback: A naked Zapp goes back to the ship taking out an indigo miniature refrigerator full of water bottles and drinks one.] <Poem>Zapp (V.O.): ...after I selflessly rescued the trail mix, I braved the flames once more in search of fluids. Leela: Then why didn't you give me any? Zapp: I though it might help you forget your intense hatred for me if you were a teensy bit delirious. Leela: So you let me dehydrate while you washed down the trail mix with imported mineral water? Zapp: Diiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaah, not exactly. [Flashback: Zapp opens the fridge to reveal that there were many food items including a box of chocolates. He eats one.] <Poem>Zapp (V.O.): You see, besides the trail mix, the minibar also contained Doritos, beef jerky and a generous assortment of fine chocolates. Zapp: I wanted to offer you the chocolates, I truly did. But I was concerned about your waistline. Very concerned. Leela: It's because I haven't been exercising. If only this tree hadn't fallen on me by chance. Oh, dear God! Zapp: Gluuuuuuuuyiiiiiiiiiiiih, it was just after we crashed! Zapp (V.O.): I awoke first to find you trapped. Zapp: Leela. Leela! Wake up! Leela: You could've moved this grub-infested log anytime you wanted?! Zapp: Well, sure. But then I wouldn't have been able to provide the loving care you wouldn't have needed. Leela: I'd leave you to rot in this paradise if only the ship weren't destroyed! The ship's fully functional, isn't it? Zapp: Ee-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiih, you see... Zapp (V.O.): ...after re-trapping you and before feigning unconsciousness, I paused to enjoy a cigar. Though mellow and satisfying, it did parch me a bit. So I went in search of brandy. That's when my keen senses detected the still invisible ship. Zapp: Ow! Leela: So we can go back to Earth? But there is no Earth anymore! Everyone I know is dead! Fry: Ah, this seems like a good place to take a dump. Leela? You're alive! Leela: Fry! But how did you find this planet? Well? Zapp: Oooheeeeeeaaaaiiiiiiih, we're actually on Earth! The ship's homing device brought us back! Leela: But I saw Earth explode! Zapp: I'm actually kinda proud of this one. You see... Zapp (V.O.): What you saw was merely a simulation I rigged up using the ship's holographic targeting projector. The alleged telescope was a toilet paper tube. Leela: You said there wasn't any toilet paper! And that humanity was annihilated! Zapp: My motives were pure! I just wanted you think we had to save humanity so you'd be willing to have sex. Please say you believe me. Leela: Yes. I believe you. Fry: Yay! Bender: There must be somethin' to steal on this island. Hey, it's Leela! <Poem>Leela: Let's go home, everybody. At least the Earth wasn't destroyed. Yet. V-Giny: People of Earth, hear the righteous word of the Mighty V-GINY! Bender: The Mighty V-GINY! V-Giny: Seeing you frolic in this unspoiled garden gives hope that this world may yet be redeemed. Farnsworth: Huzzah! The purity chant worked! V-Giny: Unacceptable wardrobe malfunction! I was referring to Adam and Eve. Leela: We're not Adam and Eve. You see, due to a series of- V-Giny: Consummate your union or I shall destroy Earth! Leela: Well, if it's to save Earth, I-I guess I could take one for the team. Zapp: You what? R-Right now? Eh, but I need a little romance, first. Maybe a vanilla candle or something. V-Giny: Commence intercourse. Zapp: The giant guns are making me feel sort of...inadequate. I'm not sure if I could- Leela: Move it! I gotta get home and do laundry! Fry: For God's sake, censor it!!! CENSOR IT!!! V-Giny: Approved for all audiences!! Fry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Transition Announcer: And now, the spicy finale of The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan! Zapp: That was a close call but we saved Earth. Was it as good for you as it was for the human race? Leela Actress: Oh, Zapp, let's save another planet right now!

Poopenmeyer: As mayor, it is my deeply tedious pleasure to kick off the 83rd or 84th Annual e-Waste Recycling Festival! Bender: Down in front! Zoidberg: Sorry, I get aroused in crowds. Poopenmeyer: I will now throw out the ceremonial first dump this old inefficient vote rigger! [Cut To: Farnsworth and Hermes carry a box labeled "Old Doomsday Devices" to the bin] <Poem>Farnsworth: These old doomsday devices are dangerously unstable. I'll rest easier not knowing where they are. Leela: So long, overly complicated Japanese toilet! Toilet: Please. I not to throw away. I give you, uh, Happy Poopie Time. Fry: Sorry, you know too much. Bender: Seems like a good place to ditch some evidence. Flexo?! What are you doin' in a hazardous wastebin? Flexo: Haven't you heard? Us bending units are dangerously outdated. We overheat, we're radioactive, we cause erectile dysfun- Farnsworth: Who were you talking to? Bender: No one? Your mama? Shut up? Take your pick. Scoop Chang: Scoop Chang, New New York Times Online Podcast blog comments editor. Mr. Mayor, isn't this e-waste dangerous? Poopenmeyer: Not at all, Scoop. Not after it's hauled off to the Third World by an expendable team of minimum-wage nobodies. Farnsworth: Good news, nobodies! Antarian #1: Greetings, my friends. It shan't take long to strip down your clunker. Leela: There's nothing wrong with our clunker. Antarian #1: Really? Because we can smelt out the deadly, deadly chromium to make rat poison and artificial sweeteners. Leela: No, thanks. We're delivering e-waste. Antarian #1: Pity. We're halfway done. Antarian #2: This thing is 40% chromium. Antarian #1: Gentle now. Gentle with the hover dumpster. Antarian #1: Ready for processing! Fry: What smells like bloody sinuses? Antarian #1: We burn your e-waste down to the usable metals, safely releasing the toxins into our air and drinking water. Leela: Uch! That's the worst thing I've ever seen! Antarian #1: Really? Then don't look over there. Okay, kids, let's play Find the Shiny! Leela: That's even more horrific! Is all the work done by children? Antarian #1: No. Not the whipping. [Scene: Exterior shot of the Planet Express building.] [Scene: Interior shot of the Planet Express living room. Fry and Bender are on the couch, Leela is standing up, while everyone else is sitting at the table.] <Poem>Leela: Granted, we later learned some positive things about recycling. But a better solution is to use our electronics as long as possible, instead of throwing them out in the first place. I'm gonna start by keeping my old cell phone, even if it is outdated. Phone: Hello, Miss Turanga, your call to St. Louis has gone through. Bender: Well, let's at least throw this TV out. The batteries in the remote are gettin' low. Leela: No! Put that back and turn it on! Bender: I was just tryin' to help. Morbo: More on this breaking puff piece after a word from our sponsor. Announcer: WIth the new eyePhone, you can watch, listen, ignore your friends, stalk your ex, download porno on a crowded bus, even check your E-mail while getting hit by a train. All with the new eyePhone. Mom (V.O.): From Mom. Leela: A new eyePhone? Forget this junk. Phone: Well, this is a fine howdoyoudo. Hermes: So long. Fry: Sayonara. Amy: Buh-bye. Zoidberg: Good riddance. Bender: Yep. Farnsworth: Toodle-oo! Leela: Come on! Let's buy some eyePhones on line! Fry: Wait. I thought we were buying our eyePhones online. Leela: We are on line. Fry: But I thought the Mom Store was across town. Amy: It is across town. <Poem>Fry: But I thought- Bender: Stop thinking, Fry! Fry: I feel like a mindless zombie. I wish I knew how long we've been waiting. Beeler: The eyePhone has an app for that! Bender: Is there an app for kissin' my shiny metal ass? Beeler: Several! Bender: Ooooooh! Farnsworth: Oh, no! The light! I guess I'm off to Hell. Hermes: That's the store, Professor. Farnsworth: Eh-wha? Amy: Shwow! It's that obscure underground song that's constantly playing everywhere. Mom: Hello, dearies. Welcome to the Mom Store. The new eyePhones are in short supply, so please form an orderly- Bender: Outta the way! Fry: Are there any left? Salesman: There may be one. Salesman: Okay, it's $500, you have no choice of carrier, the battery can't hold a charge and the reception isn't very- Fry: Shut up and take my money!! Mom: The new eyePhone is wonderful. I use it to check recipes and send threatening e-mails to unauthorized third party app developers. Fry: Say, you're from one of those ethnicities that knows about technology. Why's it called an eyePhone? Salesman: I'll explain after I install it. Fry: Neat. Salesman: Now for the earpiece. Mom: But my favorite app is called "Twitcher". Twitcher lets you send and receive short messages or videos called "twits". Why, here's a twit now. Larry: Hi, Mom, I love you more than Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar- Eyephone: Low battery. Mom: But don't take my word for it. Unbiasedreviews.mom says, "Twitcher is the Killer App!" Mom: And when I say, "killer app", I mean, "KILLER app!" Announcer: And now, another downloadisode of "The Real Housewives of Sim City"! Sims Woman: She needs to reset. I'll say it to her face. Fry: No wonder traditional media is dead! Check out this webisode of Hypnotoad. Bender: Enjoy your outdated format, Grandpa. Nowadays, cool kids like me mash up our own phoneisodes. Calculon: It's from the kidnappers. My nephew is alive and he's...in this envelope. Calculon'S Nephew: They cut off one of my dimensions! Calculon: No. No! Bender: Oh, my God! It's Bender! He'll save us! Fry: What's happening to me? Is it puberty? Bender: It's a phone call, dingus. Fry: These eyePhones are phones, too? Bender: Duh! Fry: Fry-lo. Leela: Hi, Fry. Did you know these eyePhones are phones, too? Fry: Duh. Hey, is it safe to talk while you're flying? Leela: Oh, totally. This thing's hands-free. That's how I can eat this taco and this spaghetti. Leela: I'm hanging up now. Bender: Hey, check out this Internet video of some idiot crashing her spaceship! Leela: You recorded that? Bender: The eyePhone records everything. All I did was add a laugh track and twit it to my 10,000 followers. Fry: Oh, that reminds me. It's time to twit my hourly twupdate. 'Sup, followers? Fry here. Burpin' eggs. Scratchin' my underarm fungus. Lookin' for love. Send. Larry: Underarm fungus? Too much informatio- OW! Mom: It's exactly the right amount of information! For years, I've collected personal data with old-fashioned methods like spybots and infosquitoes. Infosquito: This guy sure loves porno. Mom: But now, thanks to Twitcher, morons voluntarily spew out every fact I need to exploit them. Walt: Target acquired, Mother. Mom: Fire direct marketing algorithm! Man: Do you suffer from the heartbreak of...? Fry'S Voice: "-my underarm fungus." Man: Then, you, Mr. or Mrs. ..., need the soothing relief of Mom's Caustic Anti-Fungal Bleach! Fry: Ooh, can I somehow charge it to my eyePhone for an additional fee? Mom (V.O.): Hell, yes! Ad: Hey, fatso, stuffa you face! Hermes: This thing always seems to know when I get the munchies! Attention followers It's Free Topping Day at the pizza place across the street! Send. Leela: Duh. That's why we all came over here for lunch. Send. Bender: Greetings, followers This is Day Five of my solo kayak journey around the world. Send. Can you believe 50,000 idiots swallow that crap? Send. Oops. Fry: You have 50,000 followers? I only have three. Send. Leela: I unsubscribed yesterday. Bender: I got the most followers cuz I give the people what they want, like this video of you doin' karate in your underpants. Fry: Help! Police! Bender: Send. Fry: That is low, Bender. Even by your standards. Bender: My what, now? Fry: Since when is the internet about robbing people of their privacy? Bender: August 6, 1991. Fry: I'll bet I can get as many followers as you without sinking to your level. What do you say? First one to a million followers wins a buck. Bender: You're on! Send. Fry: What happens to the loser? Bender: Let's make it interesting. Amy: Splech! Why is Mr. Chunks doing that? Bender: Because the loser of our bet has to do a double somersault into a tub of alien goat vomit. Fry: Wait! Let's make it interestinger! Vomit and diarrhea! Bender: Good idea! That way, we don't waste an end! Leela: Eg, it's putrid! What do you feed him? Bender: What comes out one end we feed to the other. Also Indian food. Let the contest begin! [Montage: We see a "Twit Meter" with two thermometers and follower counters, one for Bender, who currently has 50,000 followers, and one for Fry, who currently has only 37. We see a video being recorded of Farnsworth doing an experiment with Diet Solarmanite and Mentos. He drops all the Mentos in the drink, it explodes. Literally. He ends up setting himself on fire. It is revealed that Bender was the one recording that. As a result, his Twit Meter goes up to 200,000 followers. Next, we see Fry recording a video in front of a whiteboard with "My Politicle Views Part 56 Tariffs" on it. We don't hear what he's saying. As a result, his Twit Meter goes down to 19 followers. Next we see Amy in front of the same whiteboard wearing a bikini and pumps. Again, we see that Bender is recording that video. His Twit Meter goes up to 800,000 followers.] [Scene: Interior shot of Mom's office. Mom is watching the Twit Meters on her computer.] <Poem>Mom: Amazing. Some dumb bastard has nearly a million other dumb bastards following his every twit. Are you dumb bastards listening to me, you dumb bastards? Igner: Why are you so angry, Mommy? Mom: Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a little nervous about my evil plan. YOU DUMB BASTARDS!!! You see, the plan is about to enter phase two. As soon as someone reaches a million followers, I'll use them to transmit...the Twitworm! Walt: Oh, Mother, you devious hag, tell us more about this "Twitworm". Mom: It's a very special computer virus, for instead of infecting computers, it infects...the human brain! Infosquito: I like it! Mom: The million followers will become an army of zombies eager to obey my every command! Larry: The important thing is we're a family. Mom: NO IT'S NOT! Amy: Ew! He sneezed in it! Fry: Oh, God, I'm gonna lose the bet! I'm gonna have to swim in the juice of the puke-me-poop-yu! Amy: Don't give up. You just need more titillating twits. Fry: Trust me, I want twits that tittle. Leela: Then you're gonna have to sink to Bender's level. Stop acting like the Queen of England. Female Voice: La la la la la la la! Fry: Whose that? The Queen of England? Leela: Uh, e-e-excuse me. I have to...someplace. Fry: That was odd. Where'd that singing come from? Amy: It wasn't the goat. All of its orifices are in use. Female Voice: I dreamed a dream in time gone by... Leela And Female Voice: When hope was high and life worth living. I dreamed that love would never die. Susan: I dreamed that God would be forgiving. Fry: What the hell is that? Leela: Nothing. Susan: I'm not nothing! All my life, everyone's called me, "nothing"! Fry: You have a boil on your butt that sings showtunes with you? Leela: Don't look at me! I'm a freak! Fry: No, no. Well... Leela: I've been ashamed of Susan as long as I can remember. Fry: You named your boil Susan? Susan: A boil cannae have a name. He also said a boil cannae sing. But... Amazing grace, how- Fry: Ew, she's Scottish! Leela: I lance her every few months, but she always grows back. It's hard enough being a cyclops, but if anyone found out about Susan, I'd be devastated. Susan: Amazing grace, how- Fry: Woah, gross. Million follower gross. Leela: Fry, delete that! Delete that right now! Fry: What? Oh. Okay. Bender: So much for a pleasant swim in vomit. Fry: Send Leela: Did you delete it? Fry: Eh. Leela: Thanks, Fry. You're a good friend. Fry: Ih. Susan: Amazing grace, how- [Scene: New New York, a construction site. Sal and Hoschel are watching the video on their eyePhones on their lunch break. They laugh.] <Poem>Hoschel: Hey, there she goes in the jen-you-ine! Let's get ta hootin'! HOOOOOOOOOO! Sal: Whoa-whoa-whoas! If it ain'ts the world's number ones internet sensation! Leela: Where? Also, what? Susan (V.O.): Ama- Susan (V.O.): -zing grace, how Hermes: Play it one more time! Farnsworth: No! It's humiliating and degrading to Leela! Play it ten more times! Fry: I know I shouldn't have twitted that but not swimming in barf might ease my conscience. Zoidberg: But if Leela should find out, her dignity sac will rupture. Fry: That's why we can't let her see this. Leela, lock the doors so Leela doesn't-EEEEE! Leela: How could you do this?!! Amy: Poor Mr. Chunks. At least he died doing what he loved. Bender: He's in a better place now. <Poem>Scruffy: There. I turned a regular board into a divin' board. Mm-hmm. Farnsworth: Impending news, everyone! We're about to learn the winner of the bet! Bender: Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! I hope it's me! [Scene: Interior shot of the Planet Express meeting room. Bender, Hermes, Zoidberg, Amy, Fry, and Farnsworth are gathered around watching the Twit Meter on the holographic projector. Each counter keeps growing and growing in followers.] <Poem>Bender: Wait a minute! There's a chance I could lose? That wasn't part of the deal! Hermes: Sweet Georgia Brown of Kingston Town! It's a tie! Since no one lost, no one has to jump! Bender: Alright, a tie! I win again!! Fry: Oh, I'm a scuzzball. Zoidberg: Don't feel bad. At least you're not Leela. Mom: A tie? This worked out better than I could have hoped! Now I'll have two million zombies! Walt: Actually, Fry and Bender may share some of the same followers. All we can say for sure is that there will be between one million and two million zombies. Mom: All I can say for sure is... Now stop getting slapped and power up the Twitworm! Hoschel: It's both disgusting and inspiring, like Jared from Subway. Leela: Okay, I'm a freak with a singing butt boil, but I'm still a human being more or less. Sal: Singin' butts boil? That's yesterday'ses news. Hoschel: Like that giant caterpillar what ate Jared from Subway. Sal: Nows us internet geeks gots a whole new video sensation. Leela: So my humiliation is over? Sal: Who are you? Mom: And now, to create an unstoppable army of between one and two million zombies! Igner: Uh, shouldn't you wait for the weather to clear up? Mom: No! I give you...the Twitworm! Send. Fry: Aaah! I'm sick of my head doing things! Leela! Leela: Fry, I came to talk to you. Fry: No, I came to talk to you. Leela: It looked like you were just sitting there, but whatever. Fry: I am so, so sorry for what I did. And I know I can never make it up to you. Leela: You don't have to apologize. In fact, I came to thank you. Fry: I think you mean hit me. Leela: Everyone knows my secret, but no one cares. I have nothing to hide anymore. Oh, Fry, thanks to your selfish rudeness, a terrible weight has been lifted from my heart! Susan (V.O.): That's not the only place you need a terrible weight lifted! Leela: Susan and I are agreed. For the first time in our lives, we're not ashamed of who we are. Susan (V.O.): I was never ashamed. Leela: Come here. What stinks? Were you rolling around in New Jersey? Fry: Leela, I knew I could never make it up to you, so I did the next best thing. I put myself through the same humiliation I put you through. Leela: Aw, you didn't have to do that. Fry: I didn't? Damn. Leela: Don't worry. By tomorrow, no one will remember. Fry: Can I have another hug? Leela: No. Susan (V.O.): Oh, hold yer nose an' give it a go! Mom (V.O.): Introducing the all new eyePhone 2.0! Mom: Dumb bastards.

Linda: We now go live to our eye-in-the-sky hovercopter on the scene of that terrible hovercopter crash. Jim? Jim: The scene is not good, Linda. I've just learned that my last words were back to you, Linda. Linda: One for the blooper reel. Kif: The news is so violent. Let's watch Rachael Ray instead. No, wait. There might be chopping. Amy: God, what a wuss. Stop being such a spineless jellyfish. Kif: You know full well that I am more closely related to the sea cucumber. Amy: Not where it counts. Morbo: I hated Jim! In other news, our city's urine-soaked walls have been desicrated by a mysterious tile-work graffiti artist. Linda: Police have no idea who is behind this innovative scourge of public art. Bender: That is one sexy bridge abutment. Hyper-Chicken: Free corn? That'll suit me just fine. Bender: The key is knowing precisely where to strike. Oops! Url: Well, well. Time to beat him his rights. Smitty: You know, that don't look half bad on your buttocks. Url: It does sorta class-up the place. Clock: The time is 4 am. Amy: We've been arguing all night, Kif. Can't we go to bed? Kif: Is that all you ever think about? I'm not just some piece of tofu, Amy. I need to know where we stand in our relationship. Amy: We're just going through a rough patch. Kif: It is not a patch. It's been ages, according to your wildly inappropriate "Hunk of the Month" calender. Amy: Leave Todd out of this! Todd: Thanks, babe. Also, today is Canadian Independence Day. Amy: Oh, that's Bender's ringtone. I recognize the smell. Hello? Bender: Yo, Amy, I'm in the slammer. Amy: Oh, no! Bender: That's enough lip from you, moneybags. Just get 5 grand an bail me out. Amy: I don't have that kind of money laying around. Bender: Yeah, you do. You know that floor safe where you keep 10 grand? There's 5 grand in there. Don't make me wait! Roberto: Hey, Bender. Ever kill a man with a sock? It ain't so hard. Ha-HAA. Bender: I better carve a shiv for protection. Url: Rodríguez! These two brothers bailed your ass out. Bender: Oh! Thank God. Tell me, have things changed on the outside. Is food finally in pill form? What about pills? Are they in food form? Larry The Murder Burglar: Hey, hot stuff. I'm Larry the Murder Burglar. Amy: Hi, Larry. I like your tattoos. Kif: Amy, that man's a criminal! Amy: I was just checking out his tats. Sneato! I have one of my mom. Wanna see? Larry The Murder Burglar: Sure. Kif: I just don't understand why you have to flirt with every bad boy in sight. Amy: Quit exaggerating. Criminal: Nobody move, or sweet cheeks here gets it! Amy: Oh! You're bad! Url: Momma said, Spock you out! Kif: That's it, Amy. Pardon my language, but I have had it with you ruffling my petticoats. You and I are through. Bender: Aw! Here's a little song I wrote to cheer you up. It's called, Let's go already! Leela: Here's to Amy, single, lonely, and fabulous. Amy: Thanks everybody. Looks like I'm back in the game. Bender: Yeah, the game of Old Maid. Security Woman: Excuse me, sir, are those yours? Bender: You're damn right. And, before you ask, this is mine too. Fry: Tough break, Amy. Are you and Kif getting divorced? Amy: No. Technically we were Fonfon rus, so we weren't really married. Bender: Wow! The interesting thing about that is Leela: So, Amy, how can I phrase this delicately? Why did Kif dump you like a sack of yesterday's turds? Amy: He says I have a thing for bad boys. It's so stupid. Bender: The truth is often stupid. Amy: Bender, why do you have to be so mean to me? Bender: Shut up, baby, you love it. Amy: Don't tell me to shut up! You know what happened to the last guy that told me to shut up? Bender: What? Amy: That was great. Bender: Shut up. Come over here. Amy: Remember, love between a human and a robot is taboo. We can't tell anyone, not even our co-workers. Bender: Got it. I'll show the utmost discretion as we get nasty in this glass tube. Hermes: I think I'm coming down with circusitis. Leela: I thought circusitis only affected children. Hermes: Children of all ages. Zoidberg: Bender, old friend. What's on your face? Bender: Uh. Blood. You know, from shaving of the face-beard. Fry: Amy, are those gear imprints on your sweatpants? Amy: Uh, maybe. So what? Fry: I only brought it up because Bender is wearing them. Bender: Uh, I stole them from her. Yeah, that's it, call the cops. Hermes: Oh, my swollen feet. He takes his feet out of the tub of water. They have turned into clown shoes] I better take my pills. Bender: Amy, I reckon sweet talk don't come natural to me, but of everyone I've ever dated, you are probably in the top ten. Amy: Aw, you always say just the wrong thing in just the right way. Preacherbot: Sinners! Robosexuality is an abomination! Bender: Oy, this guy. Preacherbot: The good book sayeth a robot shall not lie down with a human, nor do it standing up, nor any angle in between. Bender: Look! A single mother! Let's get her! Farnsworth: Quickly, into the ship's basement! Now, then, as you all know, the county fair is approaching once again, so I'm preparing my entry of pickled winds and weathers. I've got sunny, snow flurry, hail with onions, even my grandmother's cranberry-raisin typhoon, but no tornado. I'll be damned if I let Mrs. Girdleson take the blue ribbon again. That's why I need you folks to get out there and harvest a nice ripe one. This cattle prod should help. Leela: How is that? Farnsworth: Get out there! Leela: Is everybody in position? Amy: What? Zoidberg: Is someone talking? Leela: Okay, good. On three. One. Hermes: What did she say? Leela: Two. Bender: Wait, I'm not in position. Leela: Three. Zoidberg: I'm ready for the countdown. Leela: I'm not hearing anyone! Abort mission! Fry: She said, "Go!" Farnsworth: Good work, everyone. Leela: Honestly, that went better than I expected. Farnsworth: I just need to reduce it down into this pickle jar, toss in a bay leaf to impress those stupid judges. Fry: Hey, where's Amy and Bender? Zoidberg: They're missing out on some hot pickle action. Hermes: Sounds like a muskrat's caught in there. Leela: That's Amy's sweatshirt! Fry: And that's Bender's hat from the Player's ball! Hermes: Sweet tornadoes of Barbados! Bender and Amy have been torn to shreds! Farnsworth: Oh, the humanity! Also Bender! Amy: Uh-oh! Farnsworth: What's going on here? Bender: Uh. Nothing. Farnsworth: A pair of deviant robosexuals. Not under my roof! Bender: What about on the roof? Farnsworth: Get your mind out of the gutter! Bender: What about in the gutter? Leela: Professor, there is nothing wrong with robosexuality. Hermes: Yeah, when the lights go out, it's nobody's business what happens between two consenting adults. Zoidberg: Or one! Amy: Thanks, guys. Everything will be okay just as long as my parents don't find out. Farnsworth: Zai jian. Amy: Mom? Dad? Leo: Come home, Amy. It your decision. We can't make you. Atta girl! Bender: Uh-oh! not the innocent whistling! Preacherbot: Repent! Bender: Oy, this guy. Inez: Look, we're your family. And if you can't talk about your problems with us, that would be great. Amy: I don't have a problem! I'm in a happy relationship that just happens to be robosex- Leo: You finish that word, you kill your parents. Wine Bucket: Low wine level detected. Amy: Thank you. Leo: Stop seducing him, you hussy! Amy: Dad, gleesh! I'm attracted to Bender, not his emotionless wine bucket! Wine Bucket: Hopes deleted. Preacherbot: Robotic brothers, the path to Robot Hell is paved with human flesh. Bender: Neat! Preacherbot: Over the course of this escape-proof workshop, your software will be reprogrammed through prayer. And by some tech support guys in India. Robosexual Robot: But I read in Esqwired that some robots are hardwired to be robosexual. Preacherbot: Don't believe those lies, son! The one ones worth believing are the ones in the Bible. Can I get an "Amen"? Hermaphrobot: I'll take a-three-men, holla! Inez: Come on, Amy! Pick a male human already! I want to be a grandmother nine months from five minutes from now. Amy: Cut it out, Mom! I'm not interested in any of these gross, ugly losers. Fry: What about this gross, ugly, smelly loser? Leo: Fry! What you doing here? Fry: I'm here to rescue Amy, uh... from her robosexual desires. Amy: If I understand you correctly, I've seen the error of my ways? Leo: Look at all that awkward winking. Inez: It must be love. Amy: My parents may be evil, but at least they're stupid. Preacherbot: In this phase, you will literally wrestle with your demons. Your shapely, buxom, human demons. Fatbot: Look at the rack on that one! Oh! I mean, that one on the rack! Preacherbot: Good! That's real good! Okay, everybody switch demons. No point sticking with just one demon. Now, work it hard! Harder! Till the sin explodes! Ouch! Mmmm. Mercy. Okay, Lord's work is done. Now, now, cuddle. Cuddle with your demons. Bender: Oh, Amy. I wonder where you are right now! Amy: I'm inside the dummy to rescue you. Bender: That answers that. Wait... Amy? Leela: Bender, be careful! Bender: Fry? Leela? You're in there, too? Blech. Zoidberg: I guess we should have waited in the ship. Bender: Listen up, everybody, I love Amy and I'm tired of pussyfootcupping around! I finally found someone I want to spend the rest of her life with. Amy, will you marry me? Amy: Yes! Yes! Farnsworth: Oh, I'm just glad I didn't live to see this day! Wait a second, No! Zoidberg: Such a stone. Is it real? Horray! Farnsworth: Horray denied! Need I remind you that robosexual marriage is illegal! Leela: Not in Space Massachusetts. Bender: You mean Space-tax-achusetts. No chance, stretch pants! We're gonna fight to legalize it right here! Hermes: Yeah, man! You got to legalize it! Amy: We're talking about robosexual marriage. Hermes: We're talking about lots of stuff. Fry: Cool! Can you turn into a race car? Hot Dog Stand: Nah, I'm just a pre-op transformer. Amy: Thank you for coming, everyone. We're all having some good, clean fun here. Hedonism Bot: Squeaky, squishy clean! Amy: But it's time to discuss a pressing issue, the right to marry who, or what, we want! Bender: Every other couple has the right to marry, robot and fembot, Randy: Our poodle has two daddies. Bender: Interracial,, Interplanetary,, even ghost and horse, but not robot and human. Amy: That's why we're introducing this ballot initiative to legalize robosexual marriage. Bender: If you hate intolerance and begin punched in the face by me, please support Proposition Infinity! Bender: Damn it! [Scene: √2 News broadcast.] <Poem>Linda: As election day nears, prop infinity seems doomed to certain defeat. Morbo: Doooooooomed! Linda: More fair and balanced coverage after a word from our sponsor, No on Infinity. Actor 1: A storm is gathering. Actor 2: A storm of robosexual marriage that will rain down on us like fire. Actor 1: It's probably a firestorm. Actress: If robosexual marriage becomes legal, imagine the horrible things that will happen to our children, then imagine we said those things, since we couldn't think of any. As a mother, those things worry me. Man: Vote No on Infinity. Paid for by the Farnsworth Foundation. Amy: We can't compete against that much stock footage of clouds! We're boned! Bender: But we still have one hope, my big televised debate! I'm our A in the hole! Fry: Professor, who's debating for your side? Farnsworth: Oh, that guy, you know, I forget his name. Farnsworth: That's him! George Takei'S Head: Good evening, I'm George Takei's head and neck, your host for tonight's debate. You may applaud. We flipped a coin before the debate and Bender stole it, so we'll start with him. Bender: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I... Oops. Sorry, force of habit. I support this proposition because I love a goopy, flesh-and-blood woman, and not surprisingly, she loves me. This is a simple matter of justice, which I'm not normally for. So, please, vote yes. After all, our love isn't any different than yours, except it's hotter, 'cause I'm involved. Takei: I haven't heard such an eloquent speech since Bill Shatner explained why he couldn't pay me back. Rebuttal, Professor? Farnsworth: This $4 coffee pot talks about love, but what he describes is perversion. Bender: You wouldn't know perversion if it put clamps on your testicles! You're just jealous, 'cause you've never known true love. Farnsworth: Oh, no? Back when I was full of piss and vinegar, and my bed wasn't, I fell in love with the sweetest girl to ever skip through a field of posies. Her name was Eunice, and we spent our blissful days working in a lab, developing a poison to wipe out that dreadful posy infestation. I thought our love would last forever. But then, 43 years later, she left me for a robot! How could she do that to me, her Farnypoo? Amy: That's it? You hate robosexual 'cause your girlfriend left you for a robot? Farnsworth: She didn't just leave me for a robot. She was a robot! Oh, God! Her name wasn't Eunice, it was Unit! Unit 47. My heart was broken, and like a bitter, old picklepuss, I took my anger out on robosexuals everywhere. I'm so ashamed! At the risk of losing this debate, I beg you, support Proposition Infinity. Bender: Give me a hug. George Takei'S Head: I, too, am hugging them in spirit. And now, they're hugging me back. Oh, my! Linda: In a stunning turnout, voters have approved Proposition Infinity. Robosexual marriage is now legal. Morbo: What's next, gay robosexual marriage? Amy: We did it, honey! Finally, we can have a legal, monogamous marriage, like everyone else! Bender: Woo-hoo! Yeah! ... Monogamous? Radio Announcer: And now, a long-distance dedication from a squishy, green bad boy to his pink pork dumpling. At number 12, it's Wailing Fungus with "Shut Up and Love Me". Wailing Fungus: I told you where. I told you when. I told you how. And we'll meet up at ten. But you keep on talkin'. You keep on yackin'. Chorus: Shut up and love me! Shut up and love me!

Morbo: Silence, puny audience. And welcome to Who Dares to be a Millionaire? Tremble before Morbo's mighty likability, as I chitchat with out first contestant, Philip J. Fry. Bender: Give him hell, Morbo! Morbo: Prepare for pleasantries. So Fry, what do you do for a living? Fry: Me? Um, can I phone a friend? Morbo: Chitchat achieved! Are you ready to play? Fry: I didn't come to play. I came to win. Now let's play. Morbo: For $1, what tool is used to hammer a nail? Is it, A, a hammer? B, A nail? C... Fry: B, nail, final answer! Hermes: Sweet dodo of Lesotho! Don't you ever stop to think before you speak? Fry: I never stop to think about it. Leela: Aw, leave Fry alone. His intelligence is just a little differenty. Bender: You big dummy! Fry: Hey, I'm begining to think you guys don't think I'm very smart. Farnsworth: You can barely remember your own name, Einstein. Fry: Einstein is a hard name to remember.. Ow! Amy: Smeesh, Professor. Don't have a schmaneurysm. Fry's your distant relative. Farnsworth: Not distant enough! I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm this monkey's nephew! Fry: But you're my only family. Who will hug me if I achieve something? Farnsworth: Oh, perhaps I've been too harsh. Come, lad, take my hand and I'll explain why I find you so repugnant. Farnsworth: All my life I've been inspired by great minds. Euclid, Copernicus, Braino. And my personal role model, Leonardo da Vinci. Fry: What turned them to stone? Farnsworth: da Vinci was history's greatest artist and inventor. Voilà! He invented flying machines, war engines, submarines. Fry: Uh-oh! Nibbler died in the wall. Farnsworth: That's not Nibbler. That's my most precious possession. Leonardo's beard! I paid a fortune for it at an auction of historic body parts. I suppose if I have an Achilles' heel, it's because I bought it at that same auction. Fry: Indeed so. Most indeededly. Farnsworth: Careful with that, you fool! No! No! But possibly yes. Fry: What is it, Professor? Farnsworth: Oh, my! It's da Vinci's fabled lost invention. Even the scholars who wrote of this device had no idea what it was for. And now, at least, neither do I! Fry: Maybe we can figure it out. Farnsworth: We? Fry: Well, I may not have brain smarts, but at least I have street smarts. Fry: I was in the hospital two weeks. No one visited me. Farnsworth: Quiet, you! I'm trying to deduce the function of da Vinci's lost invention. Fry: Not even a card. Farnsowrth: He might have hidden a clue in one of his other works. Ergo, I sent Bender out for a copy of the Last Supper. Bender: I'm back! Everyone at Kinko's was an idiot, so I just brought the original. Zoidberg: Jesus Christ! ...and his Twelve Apostles! Amy: That's odd. This hand here doesn't belong to anybody. And it's pointing a knife at James the Lesser! Bender: That's the great thing about that hand. Hermes: And what about these funky table legs? It's like their part of some other, funkier painting. Zoidberg: Maybe da Vinci painted over something else. It's called a pentimento. Farnsworth: That's true, Dr. Zoidberg. How did you know that? Zoidberg: My doctorate is in Art History. Farnsworth: Let's see what's under the Last Supper. Hermes: Wait a second, I'm not big-boned, I'm just fat. Farnsworth: My God! Look! Amy: My God! I'm looking! Leela: My God! Saint James was a robot! Zoidberg: My God! da Vinci left his legs unpainted as a clue. Farnsworth: My God! This is the greatest mystery of all time. We must fly to Rome and exhume the body of Saint James. Hermes: Didn't we used to be a delivery company? Farnsworth: To the ship! Fry: Psst. Leela, wanna join the Mile-Deep Club? Leela: Sure, why not? Farnswoth: No time! I've found a clue that could unlock all the secrets of history. Look at these Roman numerals. Fry: Roman numerals? I've got it! We're in Rome. Farnsworth: Don't be stupid. It's a long lost mathematical code. I'll need to consult these ancient writings. Some preposterous hog-wash about the Fibonacci Sequence. Aha! The markings indicate how many paces we need to take. One ... Okay, we're there. Bender: Brothers and sisters, let us pry. Farnsworth: It's true, Saint James really was a robot. Bender: I bet he's up in Robot Heaven right now. So he won't miss his eyes. Fry: My God! Robot Saint James is a zombie. Animatronio: Nay, I am not Saint James. Bender: Enough of your lies, Saint James. We saw you in the Last Supper. Animatronio: The great man Leonardo built me as an artist's model. When I took repose in this coffin, I carefully tossed the real Saint James in yonder heap. I'm sure you have many questions. Come, there is a chamber where I used to speak with Pope John the Patient. Animatronio: I told him I'd be back in five minutes. Ah well, he'll make a nice heap. I am Animatronio, guardian of da Vinci's great secret. He left my legs visible in the painting as a clue, then dispatched me hither to wait for his shadow society of intellectuals. Fry: Hi, Animatronio. Farnsworth: You personally knew da Vinci? Was he nice? How did his hair smell? And on a personal note, what is the function of this device? Animatronio: Halt! You do not know the function of the Macchina Magnifica? Then thou art not members of the Shadow Society. Bender: The what now? Animatronio: Not one more word shall I breathe. Not even about the great fountain where thou mayest find the... Wait. Thou didst not know about the fountain, didst thou? Curses, I must be punished. Farnswoth: Quick, we must find out what he knows before he flays himself to death! Leela: Where is the great fountain? Fry: What makes it so great? Bender: Why does a robot need a codpiece? Animatronio: Fie, thou fen-suckled bum-bailey! Thou wilst never pry information from these mechanical lips! Leela: Just tell us, already! Animatronio: Okay, the fountain thou seekest is... Farnsworth: And so dies our hope of solving this mystery. Come on gang, let's go home. Wait! Let's not give up so easily. Animatronio mentioned a fountain. That's a statue of Neptune, god of water. The number of points on him trident is three, or trey. The "u" in his name is written like "v". Trey, "v". Trevi! It's the Trevi Fountain. There can be no question! Leela: But, Professor... Farnsworth: There can be no question! Fry: Wow, it hasn't changed in a thousand years. Farnsworth: Okay, everyone, into the fountain. Bender: What are you, senile? I'm not jumping in there. Fry: Hey, look. Coins. Bender: I got 48 cents. There's one more nickel, and it's a big one! Farnsworth: Quickly, into the sewer hole. Leela: Why? Fry: What's this dump? Farnsworth: My god! It's the Pantheon! Leela: This place is 3,000 years old. What could possibly be left to discover? Farnsworth: Maybe something about ourselves, Leela. Wait! What's under that blanket? My God! da Vinci's Vitruvian Man! Fry: It's truly a masterpiece. Note how the perspective lines draw the eye right to his dong. Farnsworth: Say, what's this? Bender: Anyone hear something? Farnsworth: It's a coin slot. Bender, insert that giant nickel. Bender: Sure. Ow! Farnswoth: Hush, Bender. What's your game, Vitruvian Man? I withdraw the question, Vitruvian Man. Farnsworth: Da Vinci's lost workshop! Fry: At the risk of sounding stupid, do these things actually work? Farnsworth: Of course not, stupid! I mean, that flying machine is as aerodynamic as a sofa. How could it possibly get off the ground? Animatronio: In a way that shalt never discover.. Fry: Hi, Animatronio. Animatronio: I feign death and stalk thee, that I might preserve the greatest of Leonardo's secrets! Bender: All right, buddy, we want secrets! And they better be ancient! Animatronio: Porco metallico! Never shall I reveal how these wonderous machines fit together! Farnsworth: They fit together? Animatronio: I said no such thing. And then I died! Fry: You're right, Professor. This thing doesn't fly. Farnsworth: Don't sit in there, you idiot! That's dangerous! Wha? No wonder this contraction isn't aerodynamic! It's not an aircraft, it's a spacecraft! Animatronio: Basta! As I live, thou shan't discover the great secret! Fry: Bye, Animatronio! Farnsworth: My God! Why would Leonardo's machine's brought us here? Fry: I don't know. Let's ask this guy. Leonardo Da Vinci: I am Leonardo. Welcome to Planet Vinci. Farnsworth: My God! Fry: That's what I was gonna say! Farnsworth: Leonardo! You're alive? Here? Leonardo: You have learned my great secret. I was but a visitor to Earth. In truth, I am what you call a space alien. Farnsworth: Oh! Fry: It's an honor to meet you, Leonardo. And may I say you were great in Titanic. The Beach? Neh. Farnsworth: That's Leonardo DiCaprio, you blockhead! Fry: Looks like eating rocks wasn't as dumb as you said. Fry: So what do people do for fun here? Leonardo: Do you enjoy partying all night with plenty of ale and lusty women? Fry: I sure do! Leonardo: Not us. We spend our leisure time in the mathematics museum. Planet Vinci is basically a single colossal university. Fry: How your football team? Leonardo: Learned. Farnsworth: Ooh! I'm going to check out that math lecture. All this knowledge is giving me a raging brainer! Leonardo: Would you like to hear the lecture, too, Fry? Fry: No. It would just go in one ear and out some other hole. Leonardo: Come, sit down. Fry: Now that I can do. I have a terrible secret to confess, Mr. DiCaprio. I'm not very smart. Leonardo: I appreciate your candor. Fry: I don't even know what language you're speaking. Leonardo: I, too, have a confession. You see, here on Planet Vinci, I am the stupidest person. Fry: What? Who possibly think you're stupid? Biff: Duh, I'm Leonardo. I don't know the mass of the Higgs boson. Woman: Duh, I have to draw in pencil, because I don't know how to use Rendering software. Leonardo: Stupid Biff. Thinks he's so smart. Fry: He looks stronger than you, too. Leonardo: I went to Earth because I could no longer stand the ridicule. But being surrounded by even stupider people was equally infuriating. Fry: I can see myself in your shiny button. Leonardo: Inventing is what makes me happy. Or did, until I misplaced the plans for my masterpiece. Fry: You mean these? Leonardo: The Macchina Magnifica? Infinity joy! Fry, my friend, you have given my life a meaning again! Farnsworth: That calculus lecture was harder than I expected. We had to answer every question in the form of an opera. I have a lot of homework for tomorrow, if I don't want to be Embarrassed! Fry: Thank you. Thank you. And if you like that, you'll love our main event. Ladies and gentlemen, Leonardo DiCaprio! I mean da Vinci! Leonardo: For centuries, you've all ridiculed me. Especially you, Biff. Biff: Nice hat! Leonardo: But, at long last, this invention will show you. It will show you all. Behold, my unstoppable doomsday machine! Fry: And I helped! Wait. You told me it was an unstoppable ice cream machine. Leonardo: Ice cream is just a by-product of the machine. It's primary purpose is to exterminate everyone who ever made me feel inferior! Biff: Oh, I'm so scared! Girl: Bring it on, dum-dum. Leonardo: Oh yeah? Let's see how hard you are laughing when my doomsday machine chops off your face! Farnsworth: Leonardo, stop! I want in on this! Fry: Are you crazy, Professor? Farnsworth: I hate these nerds. Just because I'm stupider than them, they think they're smarter than me. Kill them all, starting with the math teacher! Farnsworth: I knew this final invention would be a humdinger! Leonardo: Yes, we three idiots will finally have our revenge. Fry: I don't think so! You two make me ashamed to call myself an idiot. There's always going to someone smarter than you, so the only way to be happy is to make the most of what you've got. Leonardo: But you've got nothing. Fry: Oh no? I've got one single nail and another nail to nail it in with. And I'm gonna stop this infernal ice cream machine once and for all! Biff: Some doomsday machine! It barely killed anyone! Leonardo: Oh, yeah? Well, take this! Farnsworth: Oh, my. Girl: Poor Leonardo da Vinci. He sure was stupid. Farnsworth: Fry, I admire what you did today, and I'm deeply sorry for insulting your intellect. Your tiny, tiny intellect. Oops, there I go again, you dope. I mean, dummy. Fry: It's okay. I may not be clever, but I have a good heart. That's what my mom used to say. Farnsworth: She was a wise woman. Fry: Also, that I'm not much to look at. Farnsworth: A wise woman, indeed.

Farnsworth: I fear I may not survive this war reenactment. I can't believe we're only twelve feet from the parking lot. Fry: This is every bit as fun as the real Civil War. Leela: Not the Civil War private. We're reinacting the Sith-il War. Fry: Sith? What the Hoth? Bender: Enemy invaders! Up in yonder sky! Darth Stroyer: I am Darth Stroyer. Fry: Darth Stroyer? That's the stupidest name I've ever heard. Leela: Let's hear the rest. Darth Trocious: Darth Trocious. Darth Sploder: Darth Sploder. Darth Urderer: Darth Urderer. Darth Ithead: Darth Ithead. Leela: Company! Attack! Hermes: Don't fire until you see the greens of their eyes! It saves on bullets. Darth Stroyer: I shall rip out your heart and show it to you! It is done. Scruffy: The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. Mhrm. Darth Sploder: You're dead! Farnsworth: No, I'm just very old. Darth Sploder: Woah! That's good acting! Fry: It's payback time, Sploder! Darth Sploder: Tell my mother... to pick me up outside Quiznos. Hermes: That's three dead. Uh-oh. Let's pick up the pace, people. At this point in the actual war, the death toll was ninety-eight million. Bender: You humans and your fragile organs. One little stab to the goo and Darth Trocious: You're dead, Earth man! Bender: Oh, cruel fate, I'm dead. They're putting me in my Sunday suit and shoving me in a wooden box. Now they're loading me into cold, cold ground. Hello! Here come the worms! Fry: If you were really dead, you wouldn't be laughing so hard. Bender: Yeah, yeah. Death's a big deal to you flesh bags. But in case you didn't notice, I'm a robot. Fry: So? What if something heavy fell on you, like a church? You could still die. Bender: Nuh-uh! My wireless back-up unit saves a copy of me every day. So, if my body gets killed, big whoop, I just download into another body. I'm immortal, baby! Amy: What? Then how come you always scream so much when you're in danger? Bender: I never said I wasn't a drama queen. Hermes: And the winner of the war is... let me just cross check my tabulation here. Factor in the corsages for the widows. Bender: Hurry up, you number-crunching crumb-nuncher! Everybody but me is dying of old age! Hermes: Okay. The winners, at a net cost of only $12 per life cut tragically short, our Sith Overlords. Darth Sploder: Hot diggity! I mean... Supreme diggity. Fry: It may have been a fake war, but my scuffed knee is all too real. Farnsworth: I have pain in joints I had removed a century ago. Bender, bring me my soft chair with the wheels on it. Bender: Your wheelchair? Farnsworth: I don't need a wheelchair! The one with the wheels! Bender: Poor flimsy humans. Don't you wish you were flawless like me? A towering inferno of physical perfection? Leela: I hate to pop your blimp-like ego, but you're not perfect. Bender: Am so! Leela: Are not! Bender: Is too! Leela: Says who? Bender: Says the only human whose opinion I even remotely respect. Inspector 5, the best inspector a kid could want. The day I was built, he looked me over, probably with tears of pride in his eyes, and proclaimed to all the world, by means of this scrap of paper, that I was perfect and infallible in every way! Farnsworth: Hey, Mr. Perfect? You wet the chair. Bender: Huh? Wasn't me. Must be some of that urine your all so proud of. Fry: That's not urine, it's oil. Bender: Impossible! I'm triple sealed to prevent any chance of ... Zoidberg: You call that an ink defense? Goodbye, friends! Bender: What could have caused the leak? Excessive heat, on the count that I'm so hot? Farnsworth: Alas, no. Oh, Bender, I'm afraid it's a symptom of a fatal defect. Bender: Yeah, fatal schmatal. If I die I can just download my backup copy into a new, equally fabulous, body. Farnsworth: That's just it! You can't. You were built without a backup unit. Bender: There's no backup copy of me? Farnsworth: That's what I just said, you mortal coil. Bender: So, if I die... Farnsworth: You die. Or as you put it Bender: Um, excuse me for a moment. No! Bender: I can't believe it! I'm gonna die. Fry: How much time does he have left, Professor? Farnsworth: Between a minute and a billion years. Fry: Well, at least you can plan accordingly. Bender: Dying sucks butt! How do you living beings cope with mortality? Leela: Violent outbursts. Amy: General sluttiness. Fry: Thanks to denial, I'm immortal. Bender: Damn it, I'm supposed to be perfect. Inspector 5 gave me his blessing! How could he bring me into this world knowing I gonna die? Zoidberg: So you wish you were never born, maybe? Bender: Yes, anything less than immortality is a complete waste of time! Zoidberg: Then suicide it is. Step into my office. I'll give you a nice Kervorking. Bender: Not until I hunt down Inspector 5 and beat an explanation out of him! Leela: I'm all for a good beating, but you'll never find him. Product inspectors are bureaucrats, faceless bean counters who blend into the woodwork. Hermes: I beg to differ! Bender: Stinking bureaucrats! I hate 'em. Leela: Then again, you might be able to find Inspector 5 with the help of another seasoned bureaucrat. Bender: Hermes, old pal! Hermes: Old pal? 8.5 seconds ago, you said you hated me. Bender: Time heals all wounds. Hermes: You know what? I will help you, but only to prove I'm not just a paper-pushing file-jockey. Amy: Will you be taking your portable filing cabinet? Hermes: None of your beeswax! Hermes: I'll only be away an hour, but I'm counting on you to do the all-critical filing in my absence. Shall we review alphabetical order. A, B, C, D... Leela: Get out of my office! Old Man: Yes. I'd like to request a death certificate. Woman: Sorry. That's Building C. Hermes: The Central Bureaucracy maintains records on all bureaucrats. We should be able to look up Inspector 5. Man: Application for ingress approved. And the other potential entrant? Hermes: Uh, he's my pencil sharpener. Bender: You betcha! Man: Proceed. Hermes: I maintain a cubicle here for weekend getaways. Bender: Wow! Until now, I thought giant cubes were exciting. Bender: I did like the part where they screamed. Hermes: This is mine. Right next to the center square. Center Square Guy: Sorry, Hermes. I drank all your white-out. Hermes: Once I log in, I can access Inspector 5's profile. Bender: Damn it! It won't go on. Hermes: That's because you're not me. Bender: Hooray! It won't go on! Hermes: The bureaucra-scan won't let anyone but the assigned bureaucrat log in. Computer: Identity confirmed. Also, you have a rectangular mass in your colon. Hermes: That's a calculator. I ate it to gain its power. Bender: You locate Inspector 5 while I slip into my ass-kicking feet. Hermes: Sweet File-not-found of Puget Sound! His record's been blanked! Bender: Aw, man! How am I going to find some anonymous guy I don't know anything about? Center Square Guy: I recommend the men's room of the TWA terminal. Leela: Okay. Just filing alphabetically. A, B, C, D... Oh, this requires a little extra thought. I'm a natural. Hermes: The information we need will be here, in the physical files. Bender: Those bastards won't know what leafed through them. It's on! Hermes: No! This is impossible! Quit blacking out and look at this. Inspectors 1, 2, 3, 4... 6. There's no trace of Inspector 5! Bender: But 5's the one we want. Maybe if I kicked the asses of Inspector 2 plus Inspector 3... Hermes: Addition never solve anything, man. Let's cut our losses and go home. Bender: So I'm doomed to die? And I'll never even get to punch whoever's responsible? Oh, what's the point. Hermes: Bender, no! Suicide isn't necessarily the answer! Bender: It's not a suicide booth, you lard-ass. It's a phone booth. Hermes: They have phones in booths now? Finally, I don't have to lug this cellphone around. Mom: Who the hell is this? How did you get this number? Bender: Is this the robot company? Cause I have a complaint about a defective robot. His name is me! Mom: A defective robot, you say? Stay right there, dearie. I'll have tech support take care of you. Bender: Well, things are starting to look up. Hermes: Look up! Who did you call? Dial-a-bomb? Bender: No, I just told the robot company I was defective. Hermes: You dumb cocktail shaker! Mom won't allow a defective product to tarnish her good name! She'll kill you. Bender: Big whoop. I'll just download into a new... Oh, right. If I die, I die. Speaking of which- You're right. You're right. You're right. Mom: That's what you get for calling tech support. Bender: I can't run anymore. I'll have to skip. Hermes: Just a few more feet. We have to get to that pile of dead bears by 7 38. Bender: A pile of dead bears can only mean one thing. But what? Hermes: It's the 7 38! Jump! Bender: Aw, shoot! Killbot: Someone said "shoot!" Bender: Well, we're boned! Hermes: No, we're not! We just go to limbo! Bender: But I'm not design to bend that low, not without limbo music. That'll do it. Ow! Ow! Ow! Killbot 1: We're gonna get fired. Killbot 2: Someone said "fire!" Bender: We did it! Hermes: Twelve straight hours of limbo. I haven't done that since my honeymoon. Bender: Hermes! Hermes! Remember that flock of bats? Hermes: I sure do. Bender: That was fun. Bender: Where are we? Hermes: I have no idea. Bender: Hey. We're just a stone's throw from Tijuana. See? Mexican Man: ¡Dios mío! A rock has fallen here in the outskirts of Tijuana. Bender: Is it within city limits? Mexican Man: I think, yes. Bender: Told you! Hermes: Hey, you wanna celebrate our escape? Maybe grab a shot of tequila and take in a big-league cockfight? Bender: Sure. No, wait. I was built in Tijuana. Maybe Inspector 5 still works there. He better do some splaining. Before I mash up some face guacamole. Bender: He's Mexican, I'm Mexican. Let me handle this. Mexican Border Patrolman: Sus papeles, por favor. Bender: ¡Sí! Ouch-o! Hermes: Here are our passports, visas, and Homeland Security permission slips, notarized and starched. Mexican Border Patrolman: Okay. I also would ¡ave accepted a bribe. Bender: Nice work, butterball. You know, I was in Italy last week. Bender: My birthplace. It's closed! There's not even a shrine to me. With a gift shop, selling piñatas of me! Hermes: End of the line, man! Come on, we can still catch a twi-night double cockfight. Bender: No wait! What's that in the Mexican garbage? Hermes: Looks like a half-eaten cheese diaper. Bender: No, next to that. A half-eaten employee directory. Inspector 5's home address. His ass-ias is gracias! Bender: Where are you hiding, you coward? Get out here and get murdered like a man! Hermes: Bender, I'm afraid our search is at an end. He's obviously long gone. Bender: Oh yeah? Well, maybe this is him in a costume. I'm gonna squeeze you out of there like Tijuana toothpaste. Hermes: Okay, Bender, you're mortal. And okay, Inspector 5 screwed up. But that just makes the time you have left all the more precious. Do you really want to waste the rest of your life in a bitter, homicidal rage? Bender: No! Yes! I don't know! Why? Why did he do this to me? All I wanted was a little quality control. But he didn't care enough. And now I gonna die. I deserve better! I'm Bender, damn it! I'm Bender! Hermes: There, there, mon. It's gonna be okay. You are Bender, which is something Inspector 5 will never be. Bender: You know what? You're right. He was just a stupid bureaucrat. A stupid paper-pushing bureaucrat. A stupid I-dotting, chair squashing, Oh. No offense, Hermes. You're not like that. I mean, you're exactly like that, but you're okay! In fact, I'm putting you on the do-no-kill list. Come on, fellow mortal. We're in Tijuana. I wanna live a little. Help, I'm gonna die! That's the opposite of what I want! Hermes: Quick, run out the back! I'll hack into Inspector 5's terminal and fake your death, so they'll call off the Killbots. Bender: You know that terminal's unhackable! I'm not leaving you, and that's final! Good luck, buddy! Computer: Bender, terminated. Hermes: Bender saved. Killbot 2: Cease fire. Mom called off the attack, although I don't see how it's her- Killbot 3: Someone said "howitzer!" Bender: Yeah! All right! Yeah! He did it! And he's not even looking back at that cool explosion! He's a hero! Amy: What's happening? The phone's been disconnected, the ship's been repossessed, and Zoidberg's getting overcooked! Bender: Ah. This place never changes. Hermes: Leela! What in the name of Jah happened? Leela: Too much papers! Not enough hiding plants! Hermes: It's alright. This place just needs a one-hour bureaucratizing. Leela: You make it look so easy. Hermes: I've smoked a lot of paperwork in my day. Fry: Hey, Bender. Did you ever find that inspector guy you were looking for? Bender: Nah, but thanks to this knucklehead, I did find a new outlook on life. It's precious and sacred, and you only get so many millions of years on this Earth. So let's get brick-faced! Hermes:

Bender: Don't wake up Fry. Bender: My roommate's sleeping. Bender: Wake up already! I'm about to get down and funky with this ladybot. And I'd appreciate it if as many people as possible could know about it. Now can we get some privacy? Bender: Ah yeah, backing on up. Bender: Hambone! Hambone! Hambone. Okay, hambone break's over. Back to the bedroom. Bender: Hambone! Hambone! Hambone. Bender: Wake up and feel the coffee. Fry: Oh no! I'm late for work again! Fry: Sorry, I'm late. Bender: Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up. Farnsworth: I've had it with your tardiness, Fry. I expect you to arrive the same time as everyone else. Fry: Well, wait a second. Leela's not here yet. Amy: She left a while ago. She said some idiot were taking her to lunch for her birthday. Fry: Oh no! I'm late. Elzar: Since you got stood up, I thought this might cheer you up a notch. Leela: That's not necessary. Elzar: What day is today? It's Leela's birthday Leela: Please stop. Elzar: What a day for a birthday Leela: I really would like you to stop singing. Elzar: Let's all have some cake. You want to buy a slice of a birthday cake for 11.95? Leela: Yes, please. Fry: Ooh, nice cake. Sorry, I'm late. Leela: Where have you-? Nah, it's fine. Fry: You're not mad? Leela: I was. But then I realised it's actually my fault for thinking you might be on time for once. Anyhow, I ate both our lunches. You ordered the Lobster Pilé. It wasn't cheap. Elzar: Bam! Fry: Please, let me make it up to you. I'll treat you to a fancy birthday dinner tonight at Cavern on the Green. Leela: Wow. That'll be the nicest place I've ever been stood up. Fry: Not this time. No matter what happens, I'll swear I be there. Bender: Guys, guys! Hedonism bot is finally settling down and marrying a nice house in the suburb. But tonight, he's having the girls gone wildest bachelor party of all time. Fry: Woohoohoohoo... ... cares? I'm having dinner with Leela. Leela: Just go to your stupid party. We can have dinner on my birthday some other year. Fry: No. I can throw up on a stripper anytime. Tonight, I wanna not throw up. On you. Leela: Really? Bender: Your loss. Hey, Professor, you're my wingman. Farnsworth: Very well. Eh, Cubert, fetch my drinking teeth. Fry: I just have to sign Leela's birthday card. How do you spell XO? Amy: Guh. It's a record-your-own-message card. You don't sign it. You leave a nude video greeting. Fry: Does it have to be nude? Amy: I guess not. That never occurred to me. Fry: If I leave now, record a birthday greeting on the way, score some fancy cologne at the newsstand, I'll be exactly on time! Farnsworth: You're not going anywhere. Fry: But I have a date. Farnsworth: You were late this morning. So you'll have to stay and test my latest invention. Behold! A time travelling machine! Bender: Time? I can't go back there. Farnsworth: Ah, but this time machine only goes forward in time. That way you can't accidentally change history. Or do something disgusting like sleep with your own grandmother. Fry: I wouldn't wanna do that again. Farnsworth: We're going to test it by going forward in time one minute. Get in. Fry: Okay, hurry. Let's get it over with. I can record Leela's birthday card while we're in there. Fry: Happy birthday, Leela. I'm really sorry I'm gonna be one minute late, 'cause we're testing the professor's dumb time machine. Farnsworth: Okay. I'll just nudge us forward exactly one minute into the- Fry: My card! Fry: Did we go too far? What time is it? Bender: The year ten thousand! Farnsworth: Whoopsie. Farnsworth: Oh dear. I mean, oh my. Fry: The year ten thousand? But I promised Leela I'll be on time for dinner. Farnsworth: Relax, Fry. Everyone we ever knew died thousands of years ago. Bender: Everyone we ever knew? Nah, I never liked those guys. Fry: No! They did it! They blew it up! And then the apes blew up their society too. How could this happen? And then the birds took over and ruined their society. And then the cows. And then... ... I don't know, is that a slug, maybe? Noooo! Waiter: While you await your friend. Allow me to read from a prepared history of our cavern. These unique rock formations were created over millions of years by mineral rich water dripping from pores in the ceiling. Dripping and dripping. year on year, century after century. Elzar: What day is today? Hey, aren't you the loser who got stood up on my other restaurant? Leela: Just shut up and bring me two dinners. Leela: Has anyone seen Fry's ass? It's late for a date with my boot. Cubert: Fry's not here. Obviously he went to that pervert party with Bender and the professor. Leela: Fry went to the party? Linda: We interrupt Hypnotoad on Ice to bring you breaking coverage ... ... of the disaster at Hedonism bot's bachelor party. Morbo: Linda, what began as innocent fun ended in tragedy tonight when a nuclear powered robot stripper suffered a catastrophic reactor meltdown. There is only one survivor. Hedonism Bot: Everywhere I looked there were piles of bodies. And then the explosion struck. Zoidberg: The three coworkers I liked... all dead! Leela: Fry stood me up and died? I'm so angry. I mean, I'm so sad. But I'm still pretty angry. But also sad. Can I be both? Hermes: It's what he'd want. Leela: Then that's what I am! Hi-yah! Bender: Man, the future is a total craphole. Whoever lives here is a crapface sack of crap. No offence, fellows. Native #1: Don't sweat it, man. Fry: I'll never see Leela again. Farnsworth: No, without a backwards time machine we're stuck in this craphole. Native #1: Dude, give it a rest. Farnsworth: Hold on! I got it. We can't go back in time, but we can keep going forward until people invent the backwards time machine. Fry: And then we can go home. Bender: Hit it. Song: In the year one-o-five, one-o-five If man is still alive If robot can survive They may find The backwards time machine still won't have arrived In all the world, there's only one technology A rusty sword for practicing proctology A slumpy merman is gonna try to get chummy He may look like a watery wimp When in fact he's a blood thirsty schrimp Human kind is enslaved by giraffe Men must pay for all his misdeeds When the tree tops are stripped off their leaves Woah-wow Old Hermes: Sometimes I can't believe how successful Planet Express became once the professor was killed and you seized control. Old Leela: There were tough times. But we all pulled together. Old Zoidberg: I've been crunching the numbers on our transgalactic strategy- Old Leela: What are you doing here? I laid you off twenty years ago. Old Zoidberg: Oh, the claws can't flee like they used to. Old Leela: Success is nice, but I do kinda miss the old days. Old Cubert: Hey, Leels. Old Leela: Hi, Cubert. Male Inhabitant: May we help you, strange ones? Bender: We are travellers from the past, my good runt. Female Inhabitant: I see, since your time, human evolution has diverged. Male Inhabitant: There are we; advanced in intellect and morality. Female Inhabitant: And the Dumblocks; stupid vicious brutes, who live underground. Farnsworth: Advanced in intellect, you say? Have you invented a backwards time machine? Female Inhabitant: No, but if we apply our superior minds, we can perfect such a device within five years. Farnsworth: See you then! Bender: We're back for our time machine. Farnsworth: Yuhoo, boys! What's this era in human history like? Soldier #1: The... the machines, we built them to make our lives easier, but they rebelled. They won't stop until every human is dead. Bender: This seems like a nice future. Let's just stay here. We can settle down on that mountain of skulls. Bender: Hey! That place had a gorgeous view of Blood Lake. Lady #1: Greetings, time travellers. Bender: Stupid jerks wouldn't let me stay in the good future. Fry: How do you know we're time travellers? Lady #2: We too studied the time travel enigma. Lady #3: We have perfected a method using negative mass neutrino fields that allow us to travel backwards in time. Farnsworth: My name's Hubert. Fry: All right! We can go home! Bender: Nah-nah! We can go... Lady #1: We can talk about our research tomorrow. Men are very rare in our society. Even very old and stupid males are priced. Tonight, please be the guests of honour at our fertility banquet. Farnsworth: Well, there is certainly no harm in a fertility banquet. Fry: I can eat. And fertilise. Lady #1: Very well, let us anoint our guests in oil without using our hands. Bender: Oh, so we can stay in the future you like? But not the future I like? Next! Farnsworth: No! I was about to close the deal. Fry: Bender, they had a backwards time machine. Bender: The other place had a lot of good things too. Did you even see that mountain of skulls? Farnsworth: Why you! Bender: Oh no, you didn't. Fry: Stop. Somewhere, some time, Leela's waiting for me. We need to keep looking for a backwards time machine. Farnsworth: Fry is right. Bender: Yes, we have to work together. Not have this fight which I was definitely winning. Farnsworth: The year one billion. Farnsworth: I got a feeling this could be exactly the point in time we've been looking for. Nope. In fact, all life is extinct. Fry: So let's keeping going forward. Farnsworth: Oh, it's no use. Earth is dead. This is the end of all things. Fry: The Cavern on the Green. Fry: I made it, Leela. Sorry, I'm a billion years late. Old Leela: You'll get your alimony cheque, Cubert. Now get lost. Old Cubert: Chill out, I'm just here to see Amy. Old Amy: Move it, boy-toy. Granny's taking you to Atlantic City. Old Hermes: I don't know why you ever married that pig-nose punk. Old Leela: I don't know either. I'm married to the job now. I used to think there was someone for me, but- Aw! How odd, it's one of those old record-your-own-message birthday cards. Fry: Happy birthday, Leela. I'm really sorry I'm gonna be one minute late, because we are testing the professor's dumb time machine. But you know, happy birthday and all and... ... I love you. My card! Old Leela: My whole life I've been mad at him. And it wasn't his fault. Leela: Dear Fry, our time together was short, but it was the best time of my life. Fry: You know, all in all, I had a good life. What you say the three of us grab a six pack and watch the universe end? Farnsworth: Hear, hear! Bender: That's basically what I do every day. Fry: To the end of the universe. Fry: So long, Earth. Thanks for the air and whatnot. Fry: Hey, uh, what was the purpose of life anyway? Farnsworth: Who knows? Probably some hogwash about the human spirit. Bender: Mm-hm. Fry: Sounds about right. Farnsworth: The stars are receding. Oh, the vast emptiness. Bender: Yeah, yeah, I can take a hint. Farnsworth: Ah, the last proton should be decaying about now. Fry: Bye, last proton. Farnsworth: And... ... here we are; the end of the universe. Fry: Well, now what? You guys wanna talk? Bender: No thanks. Fry: Did anyone else see that? Farnsworth: Unbelievable. It's a second big bang. My God, is it possible? Fry: It must be possible. It's happening. By the way, what's happening? Farnsworth: It appears, this universe is exactly identical to the old one. If so, we just need to keep going forward in time to the point when we left. The Earth is born! Ladies and gentlemen, the moon. Fry: Look. The first fish to crawl up on land. Bender: It was coming right at us. Bender: You saw it. Fry: I'm gonna grab another beer. Bender: Fry, Fry, you're missing the dinosaurs. Fry: It's okay. They're not going anywhere. Where'd they go? Bender: Now what's going on there? Fry: History. Farnsworth: Hang on, I just want to make one stop. Hitler: Betrachten Sie meinen Schnurrbart. Farnsworth: Easy. Easy. Taking her in for a landing. Farnsworth: One year to go. Six months. Fry: I'm almost there, Leela. Farnsworth: One month. Two weeks. One hour. Thirty seconds and here we- Fry: Stop! Bender: Give me the keys, Magoo. Farnsworth: We'll have to bring her around again. Farnsworth: Just slow it down, I'll shoot Hitler out the window. Darn! I hit Eleanor Roosevelt by mistake. Okay. Nearing our era again. Here we go. Careful this time. Careful. New Farnsworth: We're going to test it by going forward in time one minute. Get in. New Fry: Okay, hurry, let's get it over with. New Farnsworth: But, err, wha-? Farnsworth: Oh uh. Farnsworth: This new universe is about ten feet lower than our old one. Farnsworth: Pow. We took care of the time travel paradox. Fry: All right! Bender: Yabba dabba doo. Fry: Oh uh, I'm late for dinner with Leela. Waiter: Welcome to Cavern on the Green. May I offer you some meatloaf while you wait? Fry: Sorry, I'm late. Leela: Actually, you're on time. Fry: Really? Leela: I have to admit, I was afraid you wouldn't make it. Fry: That was the old Fry. He's dead now. Fry: Happy birthday, Leela. I got you a card, but I guess I kinda lost it. Leela: That's okay. I don't really like cards. What I'll remember is our time together.

Leela: Aw! Nibbler made a bobo for Mamma. I'll pick it up with my super-dupey poopy scoopy. Amy: Core magnetic field, 31 microteslas. Prof. Farnsworth: Nice. Amy: Temperature? Woah! The magma P.I. is 10,000 degrees Selleck! Leela, I am collecting data. Can't you dump that somewhere else? Leela: Not really. It's highly volatile Dark Matter, and some corn. Amy: But I'm presenting my thesis tomorrow and I've barely had time to prepare. Farnsworth: Nonsense. You've been my grad student for twelve years. You were ready six years ago. Amy: What? Farnsworth: I probably should have told you. Anyway, the important thing is to be relaxed tomorrow. Amy: Are you sure? Farnsworth: Yes. Do what you young people do to unwind. Take a joyride in your jalopy. Wear a T-shirt and eat a fish stick. Go! Kif: Okay, amigos, one teensy drink to help Amy relax. Amy: Hmmm. I guess I'm still kinda nervous. Leela: One more teensy drink to help Amy relax. Fry: Still a little nervous? Bender: She's a nervous wreck! Leela: Well, I may not have a man, but at least I've got you, poopsie-doodle. Nibbler: Leela, it's time you and I had a talk. Leela: A talk? You can't break up with me. You're my pet! Nibbler: As much as I enjoy being the object of your misplaced affections, I am also a highly sophisticated being who longs for intelligent conversation. Leela: Aw, is shnookums not feeling schtimuwated? Nibbler: An understatement, to say the least. It's time you treated me with respect. Leela: If you want to be treated like a fellow crew member, fine, but no more purse rides, and no more dressing you up in your cute little sailor suit. Nibbler: I keep telling you, that's my real naval uniform. Kif: Your place or mine? Amy: Both, but first, this place. Hedonism Bot: Ooh! Room for one more? Amy: I thought I set you for 7 15! Alarm Clock: Sorry, I hooked up with Bender last night. Dude was all over my snooze button. Amy: But my doctoral exam is in ten minutes! On Mars! Eww! Kif, did you yack on the floor? Kif: Yes, I did. Morris Katz: Where's your candidate, Farnsworth? I have a long list of students to humiliate today. You're late, Miss Wong. Amy: Oh, God, this is like one of those nightmares. Farnsworth: Here, take my lab coat. Katz: Allow me to introduce your examining committee in descending order of grumpiness. Professor Ogden Wernstrom. Farsnworth: Wernstrom! Katz: Downtown Professor of Applied Physics, Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate. Tate: I see by your curriculum vitæ that you're a Sagittarius. Katz: And Professor Fisherprice Shpeekenshpell. Shpeekenshpell: The cow says... Moo. Farnsworth: He proved that 50 years ago, and he's been coasting on it ever since. Katz: I am the esteemed Professor Morris Katz, and you are wasting my time. Proceed. Amy: Imagine, if you will... Katz: Oh, God! Amy: A gigantic spherical generator, one that could provide unlimited energy, because it's essentially in Perpetual Motion. Wermstrom: Young lady, have you been drinking? Amy: Well, yes, but that's not revelant. I'm talking about Earth. Earth's the generator. Suppose this basketball is the whole world. Tate: To many young men in the inner city, it is. Amy: As it spins, it's producing an enormous magnetic field. If we could use that field to generate electric current, we could actually harness the Earth's rotational ener... Ener... Farnsworth: Yes, tapping the Earth's ener-kerchoo. Go on. Amy: Sorry, I'm super-allergic to cats. Professor Katz, would you mind. Katz: Miss Wong, I mind everything. Amy: You just need to polarize the Earth's core with a huge static charge, by ratcheting Superconducting wire down into... Sorry. Katz: Enough. The committee members will now vote yea or nay. Nay. Wernstrom: Nay. Tate: Hell nay. Shpeekenshpell: The horse says, doctorate denied. Fry: It's okay, Amy. I don't have a fancy degree either, but today I'm a prominent boy in the package delivery field. Nibbler: Now that I'm a full and equal member of the crew, I pledge my loyalty, my perspicacity, and, dare I say it, my friendship. Hermes: Leela, muzzle that skunk! We can't stop a meeting for some cute, fuzzy, little... Hey, look, a kitty cat. Amy: You again? Get away you mangy ball of Histamines. Hermes: You leave kitty cat alone! Farnsworth: People, please, I'm trying to run a business, so I get to hold kitty. Fry: Over here. I wanna hold him. Bender: Aw! Its anus looks like an asterisk. Leela: Captain Fuzzytoes reporting for duty. I mean, cutie. Nibbler: My best friend died in that uniform. I hate that cat! Amy: If I had a spray bottle, I'd give him such a spritzing. Nibbler: I'll tell you one thing. Nothing acts that cute without some ulterior motive. Amy: Aw! You want your diapey changed? Nibbler: We'll have to watch its every move. Powder, please. Amy: Here's my new theory. That is one adorable cat. Nibbler: I guess I was just jealous. I do miss being Leela's schnookums. I'm going to apologize and hope for a pity pet. Leela: Yes, my lord. Amy and Nibbler are a tewwible thweat. They must be spayed and neutered, wespectivewy. Amy: The cat is evil! We have proof! Nibbler: It was summoning a saucer! Farnsworth: Of course it wanted a saucer, you idiot. A saucer of dewicious cweam. Nibbler: You fool, this isn't about the cream. Bender: It's pwonounced "cweam". Zoidberg: I'm petting mine down to the bone. Fry: Just stwoke its fwffy fur. Hermes: Scwatch its fwubby chin. Bender: Fweeble its fwooby pwow. Amy: No, no! Nibbler: What do cats need with that much yarn and cobalt? Amy: They're doing something downstairs. We've got to find out what. Bender: Where do you think you're going, no-cat? Amy: Uh, the basement. I think I left the air hockey table on. Bender: Without a cat, you ain't going nowhere. Nibbler: Can you at least tell us what's going on down there? Farnsworth: We're certainly not building something sinister, if that's what your implying. Now, come on, Bender. Something sinister won't build itself. Amy: Professor Katz's last name is Katz. Do you think he has something to do with these cats? Nibbler: The conclusion is an inescapable as it is moronic. I say we pay him a visit, and if he won't talk to us, he'll talk to Smith & Wesson, or, perhaps, Consolidated Head Melter. Amy: Professor Katz, we want answers! Nibbler: I warn you, if I have to get cute, it's gonna get ugly. Amy: He's dead! Nibbler: Wait. What are these strings on his lap? What the... He isn't dead. He's one of those dog-operated puppets that's been adapted for use by a cat! Amy: So I had my doctorate denied by that fuzzball? Bad kitty! Amy: They actually built the planetary ratchet from my thesis! Uh-oh. Nibbler: What the... Thubanian Leader: Well, look what the me dragged in. Nibbler: You can talk! Thubanian Leader: You can talk? Nibbler: How ironic. Two hyper-intelligent beings both pretending to be simple house pets! Thubanian Leader: Say, do you know Obliteron? He pretends to be a hamster, but... Amy: Yeah, that's really great. Could you please tell us what's going on? Thubanian Leader: What? Oh, right! You see, my associates and I are from the ninth planet of the star you call Thuban. Long ago, life there was ideal. Our sun provided plenty of warm, dozy light. The chicken-salmon roamed free. Yet disaster loomed. Our planet's rotation was gradually slowing. At first, it seemed beneficial. Long, dark nights for sleeping, long, sunny days for sleeping. But then it got too hot and too cold. Our top scientists went to work, At last, they located a planet with the necessary orientation and magnetic field to harness the rotational energy. Nibbler: Earth! Thubanian Leader: Indubitably. Although we call it Blue Blue Shiny Ball. In the area now known as Egypt, my people constructed a giant, semi-octahedral antenna to beam Earth's rotational energy to Thuban. Amy: The Great Pyramid at Giza! Thubanian Leader: Yes. The Egyptians viewed us as gods, but ironically that was our downfall. They pampered us with feasts most fancy and vittles most tender. We grew fat and domesticated. Thousands of years passed, and our home world was nearing total destruction. But the technology to save our planet was lost. Lost, that is, until I heard you speak at Mars University. Amy: So you called my thesis a fat sack of barf, and then you stole it? Thubanian Leader: Welcome to Academia. Nibbler: He intends to siphon off Earth's rotational energy! Amy: Earth will come to a stop, and... Thubanian Leader: Half of you will cook, and half of you will freeze. Earth will be one big McDLT. We just got that commercial last year. Amy: Oh, yeah, smarty paws? You may have built the ratchet but you can't reach the core without 4,000 miles of superconducting wire. The ball of yarn! Thubanian Leader: Quite. Nibbler: Even so, you'd still need a tremendously powerful static charge to trigger the process. Thubanian Leader: Ever had a cat rub up against you? Nibbler: If you're propositioning me, I'm not interested. Thubanian Leader: I'm talking about the charge generated when 50,000 felines rub against a single surface. Professor? Thubanian Leader: Soon the world will come to a stop, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. The stopping of the world, that is. It's unstoppable. Excuse me. Thubanian Leader: The Earth is coming to a stop. Keep your eyes on the kitties and push! Nibbler: These space cats seem to be employing some form of hypnotic hyper-cuteness. Well, two can play that game. And one of them is me. Leela: Nibbler? Poopsie-doodle? Thubanian Leader: Mr. Winkles, Smudge-Smudge. Quick, dance with each other. Nibbler: Aw! Damn, they are good. Thubanian Leader: We're coming to a full stop. All cats, to your posts! Calculon: Catastrophe Beach Party. Scene One. Cue disaster effects, and action! Calculon: Cut! That extra looked at the camera. We'll have to do it again. Thubanian Leader: And now to transfer your planet's rotational energy to my home world. Thubanian: Well, now, this calls for a celebration. Hermes: What's all this cat hair on my sweater? Bender: And why am I full of sand? And Tootsie Rolls? Nibbler: You were all under the spell of those obnoxious space cats. Thubanian Leader: Enjoy being broiled alive by the Sun and also the dead bird we've left in your slipper. Farnsworth: Quickly! If we turn the ratchet the other way, perhaps we can restart the Earth. Hermes: It won't turn. Push harder, Bender! Bender: I can't. You should have called my cousin, Turner. Amy: It's hopeless. Even in theory the device can only apply force in one direction. Fry: Can someone open a window? It's getting a little warm in here. Bender: Is that better? Amy: Shmezzus, it's hot! Why'd I have to invent that awful device? Farnsworth: Amy, technology isn't intrinsically good or evil. It's how it's used. Like the death ray. Amy: Maybe you're right. I guess that science has to keep pushing forward with the hope that... That's it! Pushing forward! Professor, I know how to restart the Earth. Farnsworth: You can't suddenly know something just by assembling a committee of words. That's it. I'll assemble your committee! Amy: The ratchet won't turn backwards, but what if we kept pushing it forward? Earth would start turning again. Wernstrom: Yes, the wrong direction! Amy: So? Tate: Gentlemen, ladies, let's get this globe trotting. Amy: It's working! Just a little faster! Zoidberg: But we're plotzing here! Amy: Then look at Nibbler! Thubanian Leader: On the whole, Earth's society is worthless. But they do these things called antique rugs that are great for peeing on. Farnsworth: And though the world is now spinning in the wrong direction, it's good enough. Well done, Amy. Wernstrom: I'm honored to begrudgingly present you with your Ph.D. in applied physics. Tate: Also, some kind of sportsmanship award I had in my glove compartment. Amy: Yay! I'm finally done with school. How's the job market? Shpeekenshpell: Ruff! Farnsworth: Congratulations, Dr. Wong! Kif: Congratulations. Nibbler: Permission to come aboard? Leela: Granted, schnookums. Farnsworth: You've got a bright future, Amy. As sure as the Sun sets in the east.

Hermes: Item one... Duck! Prof. Farnsworth: Cubert, you crapscallion! What aren't you in school? Cubert: I couldn't get past the protesters. A bunch of smiling, angry people were handing out these anti-evolution flyers. Farnsworth: Evolution is under attack in our schools? To the science mobile. Leela: You mean the ship? Farnsworth: Yes. The science mobile! Leela: It's just that you've never called it that before, but okay. Woman: I don't understand evolution, and I have to protect my kids from understanding it! We will not give in to the thinkers! Farnsworth: You people are as loud as you are ignorant. Now, get back on your turnip trucks and go home! Hydroponic Farmer: That is an insultingly accurate stereotype, sir! Farnsworth: As a professor of science, I assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey-men. Dr. Banjo: I cannot speak for you, sir, but my ancestors were not monkeys. They were orangutans. Hard-working, patriotic orangutans. Farnsworth: Dr. Banjo? Dr. Banjo: In the fur. And I remind you that evolution is merely a theory. Like gravity, or the shape of the Earth. Flying Spaghetti Monster: Hey, Professor, I'm a Flying Spaghetti Monster. You seriously believe I've descended from some kind of flightless manicotti? Farnsworth: Yes! Banjo: Oh, please. A far more logical explanation is the undisprovable science of Creatureism. All life was created in its present form seven thousand years ago, by a fantastical creature from outer space! Farnsworth: Bunk! Banjo: Oh! If you elitist, East Coast evolution is real, why has no one found the missing link between modern humans and ancient apes? Farnsworth: We did find it! It's called Homo erectus! Banjo: Then you have proven my case, sir, for no one has found a link between apes and this Homo erectus. Farnsworth: Yes, they have! It's called Homo habilis! Banjo: Ah-ha! But no one has found the missing link between ape and this so called Homo habilis. Farnsworth: Yes, they have! It's called Australopithecus africanus! Banjo: Oh-ho! I've got you now! Fair enough, but where, then, is the missing link between apes and this Darwinius masillae? Answer me that, Professor! Farnsworth: Okay, granted, that one missing link is still missing, but just because we haven't found it doesn't mean it doesn't exist! Banjo: Things don't exist simply because you believe in them. Thus sayeth the Almighty Creature in the Sky! Farnsworth: I'll show that banana-swilling, poop-slinger! We just need to find that last missing link. Leela: I found a missing link. It seems to be half-man, half-toucan. Farnsworth: Not what we're looking for. Throw it in the soup! Hermes: And here's something. Uh-oh. It's another one of Fry's dogs. Fry: Did you find something, Hermes? Hermes: No. Amy: I hate chiseling right after a manicure. Oh! Darn it! I broke off one of my fingers! Zoidberg: Look, Cubert. The neck on this one. I bet he spent a fortune on ties! What, too soon? Cubert: I highly doubt a Jurassic Elaphrosaurus has access to neckwear. Zoidberg: I knew I should have gone with the ring-around-the-collar joke. Bender: Hey, look! I found a robot fossil! Farnsworth: That's a bedspring, you dumb bedspring! There are no robot fossils! Bender: What? Who says I didn't evolve? Farnsworth: Everybody! Robots were created quite recently. It was in all the papers. Bender: Then explain this! Farnsworth: I've hit a rich vein of missing links. Java Man, Piltdown Man, Manfred Mann. Eureka! It's the elusive missing missing link! This will show Banjo, once and for all! Fry: What the... Amy: Oh, that's mine. Bender: Hmm, my tux doesn't fit. Probably because I've grown so much since I last wore it, or evolved, one might say. Farnsworth: One might not say that! Your tux doesn't fit because you stole it from a boy! Bender: You mean a man! It was his Bar Mitzvah. Ben Beeler: Welcome, museum members. Or, as I like to call you, future exhibits. Zoidberg: He's good. Beeler: Tonight, we have a new resident here in the hall of Hominids, generously donated by its discoverer, Hubert Farnsworth. Ladies and gentlemen, Homo farnsworth. Farnsworth: Once again, science saves the day. The end. Beeler: And now, to discuss the scientific implications of this discovery, our new museum curator, Dr. Banjo! Banjo: Thank you Professor Farnsworth, for your generous gift, which has, once and for all dis-proven evolution. Behold! Homo farnsworth frolicking with dinosaurs at the moment of creation. Farnsworth: I don't want to live on this planet anymore. Farnsworth: Faster! Faster! Just drop me off at that asteroid over there. Leela: Wow, this planetoid is completely lifeless. Farnsworth: Not lifeless enough! Set up my shack so that I can kick you out of it! Fry: Professor, is this your only water source? It looks like Diet Dr. Pepper. Farnsworth: It's not that bad. It's just laden with toxic minerals. But not for long. Fry: What's in the tube? Farnsworth: Microscopic Nanobots. They're tiny robots I designed to eat up nasty irritants. Fry: Speaking of nasty irritants, what's going to become of Cubert? Farnsworth: Who? Oh, my son. Don't worry, he's been safely abandoned with his godfather. Zoidberg: Cubert, I felt we needed some father-son bonding time, so I found a couple of baseball gloves and boiled them up for lunch. Cubert: Why don't you just go to Hell! Zoidberg: Wait! We still have to discuss the facts of life. What are they? Hermes: Okay, I finished moving the last grand piano. Now can we have our pizza? Farnsworth: You'll get your damned pizza, you parasite! First, let see if my Nanobots have purified the water yet. Ah, the water's as sterile as my milkman-trusting father. But what's this? The Nanobots have gotten more complex. Bender: What's that you say? Those robots have evolved all by themselves, you say? Farnsworth: It wasn't by themselves! I put them there. I'm a genius. Get over it! Amy: Hey look, now they gotten bigger. Farnsworth: Good heavens! Trilobots! Leela: Oh, no! My sunglasses were in there! Hermes: Let's get the pizza out of here. Amy: Look, there's a cave-like hole in that mountain. It might be a cave. Leela: Does anyone have a lighter? Bender: Hang on. Leela: Okay, we've got shelter and just enough precious food to ward off starvation. Hermes: It's pizza time. Amy: Pineapple? Hermes: So much for that. Zoidberg: Hello, I remembered you like superheroes so I painted you a mural on your wall. This is Father-Man. He fights crime to earn Son-Boy's respect. Is it working? Cubert: This is sucky! You suck! Who taught you to do three-point perspective? I could make a better mural with my butt! Zoidberg: Father-Man away. Hermes: Nothing like a cave for a good night's sleep. So what do we have to eat that's not poisoned with pineapple? Farnsworth: I packed plenty of food, but it's all in dehydrated pill form. Leela: Then we need water from that pond. We'll have to fight our way past the Trilobots. Go! Go! Hit anything that moves! Fry: Whoa. Bender: Wow. Amy: A whole forest grew overnight. Farnsworth: All these trees are robotic. I can't believe how quickly they sprung up. Bender: I can. Robots do everything faster. Including evolving and believing how quickly things spring up. Leela: One thing about Bristol-Myers Squibb, they know how to cook a steak. Fry: Look at me, I'm the Ty-D-Bol man. I own a yacht an everyone poops on me. Help! Police! Leela: Everybody grab a club. Fry: Oh, big, tough water guy, why don't you come up here on land and... Amy: Look out for the next thing! Farnsworth: Great Scott, a Tricycle-tops! Fry: Woo-hoo! Throw down dinosaurs of the land and sea. This is a cool way to die! Cubert: Dr. Zoidberg? I'm sorry for treating you like a total Zoidberg... I mean, loser. Zoidberg: Go on. Cubert: It's just that I get bullied a lot. I guess I kinda make fun of people as a defense mechanism. Brett Blob: Hey, Cubert, is that your family mansion? Cubert: Why don't you ask your mom? She's coming over for a sex visit. Zoidberg: Don't worry, I know just how to handle bullies. Just pretend like you're pathetic. Help, I'm scared. I wet myself. I'm crying like a baby and I'm soaking in pee, but what else is new? Brett: The pee-babies peed themselves. I'm off to pottery class, dorkwads. Zoidberg: And that's that. Cubert: Woah! You're like some kind of dumpster Jedi. Zoidberg: So, you wanna come in maybe? I've got a nice pound cake with a footprint on it. Fry: Ah! Don't eat my butt! Leela: If this is anything like killing that pigeon on my balcony, we've got our work cut out for us. Farnsworth: Look out, a solar flare! Amy: What the shmell happened? Farnsworth: A mass extinction. That solar flare created a huge electromagnetic pulse that while harmless to organic life, short-circuited the robo-dinosaurs. Leela: Convenient. Farnsworth: Only puny, mammal-like robots cowering in caves could survive such a catastrophe. Bender: Guys, guys! I taught myself to knit. Farnsworth: Wait a moment. If we could scavenge the right parts from these robo-dinos, I might be able to construct a rudimentary spaceship to get us off this planet! Farnsworth: Oh, well, it took almost two hours, but it's finished. Now let's go... to sleep. It's solar powered, so we can't take off until sunrise. Bender: Well, let's find something comfy to bed down on. Fry: Hey, looky here. Hermes: Sweet robot swan of Botswana! Bender: Looks like the fittest did a little surviving last night, huh? Farnsworth: Whatever. Fry: Hey, looky there. Hermes: Those robo-cavemen have kidnapped our human regular-women! Fry: We gotta save them! But the only weapon we have is my fan dance. Farnsworth: Hmm, I believe I can fashion a slingshot using this robot wishbone and this elastic from my pants. Amy: I think they want wives, so just play along. If it doesn't work out, we'll still get half their rocks. Leela: I can earn my own rocks! Also, I don't want any rocks! Farnsworth: Well, it took almost twelve hours, but it's finished. Hermes: It's too dark now, but first thing tomorrow we'll slingshot them like they've never been slangshat. Fry: What's going on? How did we save you? Amy: It was the weirdest thing. We went to sleep, and when we woke up, our cave husbands were gone. Leela: I'm gonna miss Spencer. Dr. Widnar: Don't be afraid, little guys. I'm not gonna hurt you. Fry: Nice net. Widnar: You... you can speak? Hermes: Dread my locks! A fully-evolved robot human. Widnar: I'm Dr. Widnar, a naturalist. Bender: And I'm Bender, baby. My human slaves and I come from a planet where organic life and robotic life evolved side by side. Farnsworth: Oh, shut up! Widnar: Amazing. I've theorized that carbon-based, fat-filled life could exist, but until today, I never had any proof. Leela: Good for you. Can we go home now? Widnar: Welcome, museum members, or, as I like to call you, future exhibits. I now present my latest discovery, the amazing non-mechanical man, Homo farnsworth. Farnsworth: Thank you. I must say, I'm so proud to see what you've blossomed into since I first created your ancestors. Widnar: What? Farnsworth: I thought you knew. You all evolved from some filth-gobbling Nanobots I designed. I dumped them in one of your ponds a few days ago. Widnar: But this is Creationist talk! Robot Farnsworth: He speaks lies! The Earth was created in eons not days. Farnsworth: Yes, relative to you, it was eons, but, well, look at this hologram I took the day before yesterday of a robot frolicking with a robo-dinosaur. Widnar: I don't want to live on this planet anymore! Robo-Police: You're under arrest for crimes against science. Farnsworth: No! Could you drag me by the restroom? Robot: Go back to Roboklahoma! Superior Gort Judge: Order! In the matter of Everyone v. Farnsworth, the alleged creationist faces a sentence of death by melting. Who is representing the accused? Leela: I am... Bender: I am, your Honor. Farnsworth: Bender, what the Hell are you doing? Bender: Shut up, I'm billing you by the hour! Besides, I'm a robot, they'll listen to me. Ladytrons and gentlebots... Superior Gort Prosecutor: Objection. In the absence of pants, defense's suspenders serve no purpose. Superior Gort Judge: I'm going to allow them, for now. Bender: Thank you. Your Honor, this meat-man does not deny that we robots are the glorious products of evolution. He claim only to have played a small role in supplying the initial machinery. I ask you, is that so crazy? Yes, it's completely crazy, and that is why you must find him not guilty by reason of insanity! Farnsworth: Objection, I'm not crazy! I created you all and I came here in a homemade spaceship and lived in a cave. If you don't believe me, ask my uncle. Superior Gort Judge: Prosecutor, your opening statement? Superior Gort Prosecutor: Yeah, honey. I'll be home by dinner. The prosecution rests, your Honor. Superior Gort Judge: Very well, we will reconvene when the jury reaches a verdict. Bender: Son, you in a whole mess of trouble. Superior Gort Judge: Has the jury reached a verdict? Robotic Gas Forms: No, we have not, for we have evolved to a high state of consciousness. In the grand scheme, all physical beings are but yokels. Now, settle your petty squabbles and get the hell out. Bender: That'll be $10,000. Banjo: Well, digital photographs don't lie. I admit that what you witnessed may have been some form of evolution. Farnsworth: I'm glad you agree, Dr. Banjo. Banjo: Evolution set into motion by a wise and all-knowing Creator. You. Farnsworth: Well I don't know about all-knowing. And I admit it's possible, however unlikely, that some wise and all-knowing alien monster set evolution in motion here on Earth. Bender: And the Creator could also be a robot. Farnsworth: Then who built this so-called Creator-robot? Banjo: Some magical bearded robot in the sky? Bender: I guess that would be stupid. Never mind. Farnsworth: Then it's settled. Finally, a world in which I'm happy to raise my son! Zoidberg: Good, cause I'm sick of him! Zoidberg: I'm serious. He's a terrible person.

Linda: Tonight, at 11 00. Morbo: Doom! Leela: Boy, that thing's big. Fry, is my colossal eye too big? Fry: No, it's what makes you you. Leela: But it's so round, so hideously round. Fry: Leela, listen. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever known. Leela: Oh. So you only care about my looks? Fry: No, I... What? Linda: Finally, New New York got a blast of class today as Nikolai, playboy ruler of the Robo-Hungarian Empire, arrived aboard his extravagant, caviar-powered yacht. Nikolai: I'm just a humble emperor, with a big, big crown! Bender: Of course I'm not planning to steal that crown! Leela: What? Bender: True. I've always dreamt of being an emperor. You know, for Halloween, and then forever. But heisting those jewels would be difficult. Leela: You'd be stupid to try. Bender: I'll need accomplices. A sexy vamp to distract and tie up the guard. Amy: Never! Bender: A claw man to slip past the metal detector and cut the alarm wires. Zoidberg: Sorry, I'm set for life after that last job. Bender: And finally, a chump, to be caught on video and later arrested. Fry: As I told you on Sucker-Punch Day, I'm through being a chump. Bender: Of course, it would all require split-second robotic timing. That's were I come in. You see, I own a watch. Farnsworth: There. This time I'm sure I've fixed the mind-switcher. Amy: Good, I'm sick of cleaning up those heaps of dead monkeys. But why would you want your mind in a new body? Farnsworth: Well, as a man enters his 18th decade, he thinks back on the mistakes he's made in life. Amy: Like the heaps of dead monkeys? Farnsworth: Science cannot move forward without heaps! No, what I regret is the youth I wasted playing it safe. Amy: I wasted my youth porking out. Farnsworth: Yes, I remember. Amy: Would you please take that down? It's making me hungry. Farnsworth: Funny, I could use a little extra meat on my bones. Wait a second, if we switch bodies, I could live life to the extreme, and you could indulge your demonic food lust. Amy: We are just the people this mind-switcher was made for by us! Wait, can I still change my mind? Farnsworth: Let's find out. Amy: It didn't work you doddering old Farnsworth: Ah! Cartilage! Dude, I bid you a fond cowabunga! I'm off to laugh at the Reaper. Look out, world, here I... I'm sorry, Amy, but your body is not up to the task. Also, I don't care for these boobs flapping every which way. Now quit your bologna-gargling and let's switch back to our original bodies. Bender: Body switcher, eh? Mayhap the heist is back on. Who needs accomplices, if I can just use their bodies. Amy: Professor, what's not happening? Farnsworth: Bad news, me. I failed to take into account the cerebral immune response. Amy: You idiot! Farnsworth: Once two bodies have switched minds, they can never switch back. However, perhaps they can. Maybe we can swap back using a third body for temporary storage space. Bender: I'm 60% storage space. Farnsworth: Eh, wha? Bender: Well, I'm off to the royal yacht for a quick seduce-and-snatch. Amy: See ya! Farnsworth [In Bender’S Body.]: Now then, Amy, we'll simply switch bodies, and then we'll... we'll... No, I'd be back in my body, but then you and Bender would be switched. And the Amy and Bender bodies can't trade minds again, since they just did. Amy: Oh no! Is it possible to get everyone back to normal using four or more bodies? Farnsworth [In Bender’S Body.]’’: I'm not sure. I'm afraid we need to use... MATH. Bender: Stupid, air-needing lungs. The crown jewels. Now I just have to locate the guard and seduce him in... Four seconds? Basil: Who goes there? Bender: Three, two, one. Hello, big boy. Basil: Silence! I am Basil, the emperor's cousin and chief of his royal guard. And I shall not be seduced by a... Bender: I said, "Wow chica wow wow". Leela: Professor, what's the matter. Amy: I'm Amy. The Professor and I switched bodies. Leela: Oh, lord. Amy: All I wanted was to gorge myself a little, but I can't digest anything with these false teeth and this hit-or-miss colon. Leela: At least, you get the senior discount at the movies. I hate paying $14 to see Nicolas Cage solve things. Amy: If you want to save $2, we could switch bodies. Leela: We could always switch back, right? Fry: Hey, Leela. Mmm. What smells saturated? Amy: Deep-fried ice cream sandwich wrapped in frosting and lightly baconed. Fry: Woah. That sounds like something Amy would say and eat. Amy: I am Amy. Leela and I used the Professor's mind-switching machine. [She puts ketchup on her "creation". Fry: So Leela's in your body? Leela: Not exactly. Aha! You do only like me for my body. Fry: That is entirely not true, sir! Bender: Now to go switch bodies with Zoidberg, sneak past the metal detector and clip the alarm wires, all in less than... Ten minutes ago! Oh! Uh, could you come back when my chump gets here? Nikolai: Now then, what is a filthy human doing aboard my royal yacht? Bender: With all due respect, Your Majesty, I'm a robot like you. I just switch bodies with some bimbo. Go ahead, ask me something only a robot would know. Nikolai: Ah, a reverse Turing test, eh? Very good. What is the square root of nine? Bender: Hold on, let me just get out a pencil. Okay, look, I'm not that kind of robot. I'm more this kind. [He starts beat boxing and Moonwalking. Basil: He steps forwards but moves backwards. Nikolai: By the gods! he is a machine! Farnsworth: No, that won't restore everyone, either. Besides, I don't want my decrepit old body back! I'm running away with this invincible robot body and joining something! Fishy Joe: I paid for 15 Robot Clowns per cubic meter of car, and you're barely giving me 12. Now crumple up and get in... And fasten your seat belts. Robot Clown: Oh, come on! Farnsworth: Good day. I am Nonchalanto, the robot daredevil. And my dream is to risk my life in strange and original ways. Fishy Joe: Hmm. You don't look so foolhardy to me. Fishy Joe: That's the dumbest thing anybody's ever done. Your hired! Nikolai: So you're a common bending robot with a human peasant roommate? Bender: Oh, crap, that is what I am! Nikolai: No, Bender, I envy you. I'm so bored with all of these pretentious trappings. The jewels, the parties, the beautiful robo women. Princess Flavia: Hello. Nikolai: My fiancée, Princess Flavia. Dearest, meet Bender. He's a robot in the body of a Chinese Martian physicist. Flavia: How tedious. Nikolai: Oh, to escape this gilded cage for a day. Bender: You know, we could trade bodies. I could take over the humdrum royal stuff and you could be an regular Joe for a day. Or more. Much more. Nikolai: In that horrible non-robot body. Sir, I have my standards. Bender: Ah, but what if I could put you in my fabulous bending-robot body? Nikolai: Me, posing as a lowly bending unit? How wicked! But wait, I'm supposed to give a speech at the UN tomorrow. Can I trust you to do it? Bender: You can trust anything. Fry: So now Leela's all crotchety because she thinks I'm not attracted to her in the Professor's body. Hermes: You aren't, are you? Fry: Of course not! But I was willing to lie about it. What more can a man do? Hermes: A man can give her a toke of her own medicine. Fry: Yes! I can put my mind in a hideous body and show Leela she's not attracted to me. But it would have to be a really, really disgusting body. Zoidberg: Friends! Friends! I've got barnacles on my tuchus! Hermes: The long search is over. Bender: Wait here and earn interest while I find my robot body. Bender: Professor? Leela: Leela. Amy? Bender: Bender. Have you seen my body? I think the Professor's in it. Leela: Yeah, he said something about running away. Then he ran away. Bender: What? Wither? Bender: What am I gonna do? I got an emperor all patsied up to switch bodies, but only with another robot! Wash Bucket: Wash bucket full. Scruffy: Scruffy's work here is done. Bender: Bender: Now to find Emperor Von Richendoof. Wash Bucket: Now to find Scruffy. Zoidberg: Switch bodies? I don't see why not. I also don't see why. Fry: In your face, Leela. Nikolai: If you're a bender, why is your body full of fetid water? Bender: If you're an emperor, why don't you shut up? Move it, Fry. Bender: Well, so long. Nikolai: Wait! Point me to my normal human roommate! Bender: That's him there, maybe. Got to go! Zoidberg: Robot? Nikolai: Yes, 'tis I, Bender. Do you not recognize your own best friend? Zoidberg: Aha! The guy in this body has a friend! Bender, old pal! It's me, the Fry! Leela: But then Nicolas Cage discovered that the real treasure was his family. Yes, I'll hold. Fry: Hey, Leela, look! I'm in Zoidberg. Leela: Fry? Fry: Oh, you're not so shallow that you find me repulsive because of my body, are you? Leela: Not at all. Amy, stop it! Fry, help! She's turning me into a parade float! Fry: Eww! look at her! Leela: Oh. So you're so shallow that my body disgusts you if it puts on a little extra weight? Fry: That wasn't a little extra weight. Leela: Admit it! You don't care about the inner me at all! Fry: No, you admit it! You'd be ashamed to be seen in public with someone as hideous as me! Leela: Would not! Fry: Oh, yeah? Then I challenge you to a romantic dinner at Elzar's tonight. Leela: It's on. Hermes: Sweet orca of Majorca! You make Fat Albert look like Normal Albert! Amy: I don't know what to do. Do you think I should eat more butter? Hermes: I am putting a stop to this, right now! Come on! We're switching bodies. Amy: Hermes, no! I'll ruin your body, too! Hermes: Three decades of the munchies beat you to it. Big Bertha: You make quite a show, young man. You remind me of myself as a young cannon. Chainsaw-Eating Robot: Big Bertha is the circus's grande dame. She shoots robots through the air. Bertha: Excuse me. Too much goulash. Farnsworth: I've always wanted to be shot out of something. How about a quick blast after lunch. Bertha: Alas, a fine big one like you would shatter my barrel. But, ah, to amaze the crowd once more. Farnsworth: I understand the problem of age, but suppose I could put you into a new body? Bertha: Never! My body may be old, but it is mine, and every crack a memory of heavy things shot a long way. Good day. Bender: Ah! I have everything I every wanted. Money, wealth, riches. Yet something's missing. A hot princess with which to get(?) grizzly. Flavia: Hello. Bender: Hello, baby! Huh? Hey, what's going on here? And why are you kissing my dashing cousin instead of me? Flavia: Nikolai, you imperial fool! We've been having an affair for 700 years. Basil: At long last, I shall kill you, blame the burglar and inherit the throne. Flavia: Farewell, Nikolai. Bender: Wait! I'm not Nikolai! I'm Bender, the fabulous body-switching burglar. Basil: So you are. However, you do have Nikolai's body, and that's the part we want to kill. Fry: Great food, huh? Leela: Ew! Fry: I'm sorry, Leela. I hope that didn't make you ashamed to be seen with me. Leela: No, it only makes you more attractive. Fry: Ew! Leela: Oh, did my bodily infirmity embarrass you? Fry: Not at all. It's just another thing that makes you a very special lady. Leela: You mean, like my penis? Eh! Fry: Admit it! You're disgusted by me! Leela: No, you're disgusted by me! Fry: I'm as attracted to you as I've ever been! Leela: Prove it! Zoidberg: Well, Bender, here's our apartment that we live in everyday. A floor? We live like kings? Nikolai: Kings? Silence! Like you, I'm a common lout. Now fetch me some working-class cognac from our brandy storeroom that you know how to find. Zoidberg: Relax, Bender. I'll dry up that leak with this heating box. Nikolai: Ah, cigars. Light me up, old friend. Robot: There you are, Emperor Nikolai. It's time for your speech to the UN. Bender: The what now? Scruffy: Miss Wong? Wash Bucket: No, Scruffy, I am wash bucket. I love you. Wash bucket has always loved you. Scruffy: It's wrong, wash bucket. Oh, it would be sweet for a while, but in the back of our minds, we'd know that I'm a man and you're janitorial equipment. Wash Bucket: In another city, we could be anyone we want! Scruffy: Go. Go now, before I beg you to stay. Scruffy: Yep. Nixon: Please welcome an insane dictator, and one heck of a bowler, Emperor Nikolai! Bender: Thanks, Nixon. How we doing? Woman: I love you, Your Majesty. Bender: Shut up, madam ambassador, I know it. Anyhow, I'd now like to digress from my prepared remarks to say, "I'm done". Basil: Ladies and gentlemen, this robot is an impostor! I shall enjoy this. Bender: Not me. Chainsaw-Eating Robot: That devil, Basil, will kill our emperor. Farnsworth: You're Robo-Hungarian? Robot Carny: Yes. Our nation's chief export is carnies. Farnsworth: If only there was some way I could get to the UN to help. Bertha: There is. Get in, Nonchalanto. Chainsaw-Eating Robot: Bertha, no! It would kill you! Bertha: I have not so much time left anyhow. Farnsworth: But you could get a new body! You could have a rich, full life! Bertha: I am trying to have a rich, full life. Long live Robo-Hungary! Bender: Me! Thank God you've come! Farnsworth: This is for Big Bertha. That is not what I meant to give you for Big Bertha. Leela: That was nice. Fry: Oh, yeah. Nixon: Ow. Ow. Arrooo! Basil: Whoever you are, you're the bravest robot I've ever seen. I like killing brave things. Farnsworth: Good, because I've got 20 of them per cubic meter. Boy: When I grow up, I wanna be a diplomat! Bender: Well, if they're is one thing I learned, it's a lesson. I believe this belongs to you. Nikolai: I shall sell it to help the common folk, now that I understand their misery. Bender: Yeah, good luck with that. Leela: I must say, Hermes, you've got a smoking-hot body. Hermes: I was inspired by Amy. Leela: Wow! How did you do it. Amy: Well, there I was at Elzar's, eating a nice pork sundae and suddenly, I just lost my appetite. Forever. Sweet Clyde: Q to the E to the D! Farnsworth: So it is possible us all to get back to our original bodies? Bubblegum: Stone-cold munching, Prof. Sweet Clyde, characterize your inversion theorem. Sweet Clyde: Basically, no matter how permuted-up your minds are, they can be restored using, at most, two extra players. Farnsworth: And they say pure math has no real-world applications! Sweet Clyde: Everybody back in their zones? Farnsworth: Ah! My body may be old, but it is mine. Brilliant work, Clyde. You'll win the NBA's highest academic honor for this. Nikolai: Also, I'm making you a duke. So long filthy commoners. Bender: ¡Adiós! And I'm left with the real jewels safely inside... ...his compartment! Bender: All right. I'll need accomplices.

Tony Stark: Oh, I get it. You guys aren't allowed to talk. Is that it? Are you not allowed to talk? Iron Man Jimmy: No. We're allowed to talk. Tony Stark: Oh. I see. So it's personal. Ramirez: I think they're intimidated. Tony Stark: Good God, you're a woman. I, honestly, I couldn't have called that. I would apologize, but isn't that what we're going for here? I saw you as a soldier first. Iron Man Jimmy: I have a question, sir. Tony Stark: Please. Iron Man Jimmy: Is it true you're twelve for twelve with last years Maxim cover girls? Tony Stark: Excellent question. Yes and no. March and I had a schedule conflict but, thankfully, the Christmas cover was twins. Anyone else? You, with the hand up. Pratt: It's a little embarrassing. Tony Stark: Join the club. Pratt: Can I take a picture with you? Tony Stark: Are you aware that Native Americans believe photographs steal a little piece of your soul? Not to worry, mine's long gone. Fire away. Pratt: STAY HERE! James Rhodes: GET DOWN, TONY. GET THE - Narrator: December 7, 1941: the day the world changed forever. President Roosevelt declares the United States will build fifty thousand planes to fight the armies of Hirohito and Hitler- Although no such capacity to build existed... Howard Stark, founder of the fledgling Stark Industries, answers his call to duty - And builds not fifty, but a hundred thousand planes. Later, Stark's work on the Manhattan project makes the end of the war possible. Stark Industries would go on to contribute to every major weapons system through the Cold War - But Howard Stark's greatest achievement would come in 1973- From early on, it was clear that Tony Stark had a unique gift- At seventeen he graduated summa cum laude from MIT. Four years later, tragedy would pass the Stark mantle from father to son- The loss of a titan. But Tony did not let personal grief distract him from his duty - At twenty-one, he became the youngest-ever CEO of a Fortune 500 company. And with it came a new mandate - Smarter weapons, fewer casualties. A dedication to preserving life. Today Tony Stark's ingenuity continues to protect freedom and American interest around the globe. James Rhodes: As Program Manager and Liaison to Stark Industries, I've had the honor of serving with a real patriot, a man whose life has been dedicated to protecting our troops on the front lines. He's a friend. And a great mentor. A man who has always been there for his friends and his country. Ladies and gentlemen, this year's ARES Award winner - Mr. Tony Stark. Obadiah Stane: Thank you...I, uhhh, I'm not Tony Stark, but if I were Tony, I'd tell you how honored I am and...what a joy it is to receive this award. The best thing about Tony is also the worst thing - he's always working. Tony Stark: ...you think we're having a 'moment' here, but this is actually the logical conclusion of several mathematical truisms. Your hypothalamus is flooding your system with a chain of proteins called peptides, so that every cell in your body is opening itself up to the happy chemical: oxytocin. Woman: That's...wow... Tony Stark: Hold on a second - - so now your limbic system is positively...throbbing. A Kirlian photograph of us right now, occupying this space, would show serious subatomic particles being exchanged between us, with a rapidity that transcends- Are you getting this? You will be quizzed - My God, what are you, they roped you into this thing too? James Rhodes: Yeah. They said you'd be deeply honored if I presented. Tony Stark: Okay, let's do it. That was quick. Thought there'd be more of, you know, a ceremony. Maybe a highlight reel - Colore me up. My chaperone has just arrived with my Degenerate of the Year Award. Judging from his look, I may have just peed in the kiddie pool. I must now take my ease, along with the House's funds. James Rhodes: A lot of people would kill to have their name on that award. Tony Stark: It belongs to my old man. They should have given it to him. James Rhodes: What's wrong with you? A thousand people came here tonight to honor you, and you leave them with egg on their face. This award means something, Tony, it's bigger than you - Tony Stark: Hold that thought a sec. Put it all on black. Don't worry - it's approved. James Rhodes: ...you just blew three million. Tony Stark: Yeah. Don't know what was more exciting - winning it...or the fact that I don't care I just lost it. James Rhodes: Everything's funny to you. Tony Stark: No. You're not funny. James Rhodes: We've got a hell of a day tomorrow. Can we get out of here now? Tony Stark: One more stop. Of course I respect your opinion. James Rhodes: This is no joke. You're going into a hot zone. We should be doing this test here in Nevada. Tony Stark: This system has to be demonstrated in true field conditions. Pepper Potts: Tony, it's the President. Wants to congratulate you personally. Heads up. Tony Stark: ...Jim, how're the trout running? Yeah, sitting on top of the world here. Working on my masterpiece - Pepper Potts: You're leaving the country for a week. I need five minutes - Tony Stark: Okay - shoot. Pepper Potts: The Board meeting is on the eleventh. Should I tell them to expect an appearance-? Christine Everhart: Mr. Stark! Christine Everhart, Vanity Fair Magazine. Can I ask you a few questions? Tony Stark: Can I ask a few back? Christine Everhart: You've been described as a Da Vinci for our times. What do you say to that? Tony Stark: Ridiculous. I don't paint. Christine Everhart: And what do you say to your other nickname: "The Merchant of Death?" Tony Stark: That's not bad - Let me guess. Berkeley? Christine Everhart: Brown. Tony Stark: Well Miss Brown, it's an imperfect world and I assure you, the day weapons are no longer needed to keep the peace, I'll start manufacturing bricks and beams to make baby hospitals. Christine Everhart: Rehearse that much, Mr. Stark? Tony Stark: Every night in front of the mirror. Call me Tony. Christine Everhart: I'm sorry, "Tony", I was hoping for a serious answer. Tony Stark: Here's serious: my old man had a philosophy: peace means having a bigger stick than the other guy. Christine Everhart: Good line, coming from the guy selling the sticks. Tony Stark: My father helped defeat Hitler. He was on the Manhattan Project. A lot of people - including your professors at Brown - might call that being a hero. Christine Everhart: Others might call it war- profiteering. Tony Stark: Tell me: do you plan to report on the millions we've saved by advancing medical technology? Or kept from starving with our inteli- crops? All were breakthroughs spawned from, that's right, military funding. Christine Everhart: Wow. You ever lose an hour of sleep your whole life? Jarvis: I'm sorry, Miss Everhart, you are not authorized to access that area. Pepper Potts: Don't worry, that's Jarvis - he runs the house. Jarvis: de- activate security. Here, your clothes cleaned and pressed. Anything else I can get you? Christine Everhart: Look, Tony wanted me to stay for breakfast, but I've got to get a jump on the day. Call me a cab, would you? Pepper Potts: Cab's waiting outside. Christine Everhart: And a coffee, hon. Black. One Splenda. Pepper Potts: Should I tell Mr. Stark you were satisfied with the interview? You still owe me five minutes- Tony Stark: Five? I'll need a bit longer than that - Pepper Potts: Focus. I need to leave on time today. Tony Stark: You're rushing me. What, you have plans tonight? Pepper Potts: The MIT commencement. Yes or no? Tony Stark: Maybe. Tell me your plans. Pepper Potts: I'll tell them 'yes'. You want to buy the Jackson Pollock? He's got another buyer in the wings - Tony Stark: What's it look like? Pepper Potts: It's a minor work in his later Spring Period, it's ludicrously over-priced- Tony Stark: Buy it. Pepper Potts: He left an hour ago. Okay. It's Rhodey again. Tony Stark: You have plans, don't you -? Pepper Potts: I'm allowed to have plans on my birthday. Tony Stark: It's your birthday again? Pepper Potts: Yep. Funny, same day as last year. Tony Stark: Well, get yourself something from me. Something nice. Pepper Potts: Already did. Tony Stark: And...? Pepper Potts: It was very tasteful, very elegant. Thank you, Mr. Stark. Tony Stark: You're welcome, Miss Potts. Sorry, pal - car trouble. James Rhodes: I was standing out there three hours, what the hell -? Tony Stark: I had car trouble. Thanks, maybe later. Attendant: Would you like a drink, Mr. Stark? Tony Stark: Two fingers of Laphroig. You want one? James Rhodes: We're working. Tony Stark: You should have a drink. We've got a twelve hour flight ahead of us. James Rhodes: It's two in the afternoon. Tony Stark: It's two in the morning where we're going. C'mon, ten hours "bottle to throttle -" James Rhodes: Don't start with me. Tony Stark: Jeez, we're not getting hammered. Just a nightcap. We'll sleep better, arrive fresh. It's the responsible thing to do. I don't know about you, but I want to sell some weapons. James Rhodes: You don't get it. I don't work for the military because they paid for my education, or my father's education. Don't cheapen it like that. Tony Stark: All I said was, with your smarts, your engineering background, you could write your own ticket in the private sector - on top of which, you wouldn't have to wear that 'straight-jacket'. James Rhodes: 'Straight-jacket'? This uniform means something. A chance to make a difference. You don't respect that, because you don't understand. Tony Stark: See that one? Her I understand. Croatian. Hot-blooded, I'm serious. Must be those winters in Zagreb - James Rhodes: You're not listening to a word I'm saying. Tony Stark: I am listening. I'm changing the subject. It's the same litany, every time you've had a thimble of alcohol. Drink One: reflections on the New American Century and related topics - James Rhodes: Something's...seriously wrong with you, man. Tony Stark: Drink 2: a history of World War II and the Tuskeegee Flyers. Drink 3- James Rhodes: You know, hell with you. I'm not talking to you anymore. Tony Stark: Go hang with the pilot. You'll get along, he's got a personality just like yours. James Rhodes: I will. That's funny. Tony Stark: You could tell? The age old question: is it better to be feared or respected? I say, is it too much to ask for both? With that in mind, I humbly present the crown jewel of Stark Industries Freedom Line. It's the first missile system to incorporate my proprietary Repulsor Technology. They say the best weapon is one you never have to fire. I prefer the one you only have to fire once... That's how dad did it, it's how America does it, and so far its worked out pretty well. Find an excuse to fire off one of these and I personally guarantee the enemy is not gonna want to leave their caves. For your consideration, the Jericho... Now there's one last creation I haven't shown anyone yet. You might be interested... To peace, gentlemen...and with every five hundred million, I'll throw in a free one of these... Hey, what are you doing up? Obadiah Stane: Sleeping. How did it go? Tony Stark: I think we got an early Christmas coming. Obadiah Stane: Sounds good. Tony Stark: Hey, why aren't you wearing the PJs I got you? Obadiah Stane: I don't do monograms. I'm hanging up now, bye-bye. Tony Stark: All right, who wants to ride with me? Jimmy? Iron Man Jimmy: Me? Tony Stark: Sorry, Rhodey, no room for my conscience in here. Or that hang- dog look. See you back at base. ...water...water. Yinsen: I wouldn't do that if I were you. Tony Stark: What have you done to me? Yinsen: What did I do? I removed what I could, but there's a lot left headed for you atrial septum. Do you want a souvenir? I've seen many wounds like this in my village. The walking dead we called them, because it took a week for the barbs to reach vital organs. I anchored a magnetic suspension system to the plate. It's holding the shrapnel in place...at least for now. That's right, smile. We met once - at a technical conference in Bern. Tony Stark: I don't remember. Yinsen: You wouldn't. If I'd been that drunk, I wouldn't have been able to stand, much less give a talk on integrated circuits. Tony Stark: Where are we -? Yinsen: Stand up! Do as I do. Now! Listen to me, whatever they ask you, refuse. You understand? You must refuse. Abu: Welcome Tony Stark, the greatest mass murderer in the history of America. It's a great honor. Yinsen: He says welcome Tony Stark, the greatest mass murderer in the history of America. He is very honored. Abu: I want you to build this for me - the Jericho missile you were demonstrating. Yinsen: You will build for him Jericho missile you were demonstrating. Tony Stark: ...I refuse. Yinsen: You refuse? You will do everything he says. This is the great Abu Bakar. You're alive only because of his generosity. You are nothing. NOTHING. He offers you his hospitality, and you answer only with insolence He will not be refused. You will die in a pool of your own blood. Perfect. You did very well, Stark. Good, I think they're starting to trust me. Well, that's the end of my plan. Quite a collection, isn't it? Tony Stark: How did they get all this? Abu: As you see, we have everything you need to build the Jericho. You will make a list of materials and start work right away. When we are done we will set you free. Yinsen: As you can see, they have everything you need to build the Jericho. He says make a list of materials. You will start work right away and when you are done he will set you free. Tony Stark: No he won't Yinsen: ...no he won't. James Rhodes: Something's not right. General Gabriel: Looks like a standard hit and run. James Rhodes: Sir, I'm telling you, this was a snatch and grab. A perfectly executed linear ambush. As soon as they got what they wanted, they melted away. General Gabriel: Intel's on it, we're in good hands. If he's out there, we'll get him. James Rhodes: With your permission I'd like to stay in theater and head up the search and investigation. General Gabriel: There's a PR firestorm brewing over this. Right now the best way to serve your country is to get back there and handle it. James Rhodes: Tony Stark is the DOD's number one intellectual asset, and I can be of value in the field. General Gabriel: Duly noted, but we need you back home. Colonel, it's not lost on me that Stark is a lifelong friend. Yinsen: I'm sure they're looking for you, Stark, but they will never find you here. That car battery is running out...and they won't turn on the generator till you start to work. You don't like what you saw out there, did you? I didn't like it either when those weapons destroyed my village. What you just saw, that's your legacy - your life's work in the hands of these murderers. Is that how you want to go out? Is this the last act of defiance of the great Tony Stark? Or are you going to try to do something about it? Tony Stark: Why should I do anything, they're either going to kill me or I'm going to die in a week. Yinsen: Then this is a very important week for you. Tony Stark: Okay, here's what I need... S-Category missiles. Lot 7043. The S-30 explosive tritonal. And a dozen of the S-76. Mortars: M-Category #1, 4, 8, 20, and 60. M- 229's, I need eleven of these. Mines: the pre-90s AP 5s and AP 16s. Yinsen: S-Category missiles. Lot 7043. The S-30 explosive tritonal. And a dozen of the S-76. Mortars: M-Category #1, 4, 8, 20, and 60. M- 229's, he needs eleven of these. Mines: the pre-90s AP 5s and AP 16s. Tony Stark: ...this area free of clutter, with good light. I want it at 12 o'clock to the door to avoid logjams. I need welding gear - acetelyene or propane, helmets, a soldering set-up with goggles, and smelting cups. Two full sets of precision tools. Yinsen: ...this area free of clutter, with good light. He wants it at 12 o'clock to the door to avoid logjams. He needs welding gear - acetylene or propane, helmets, a soldering set-up with goggles, and smelting cups. Two full sets of precision tools. Tony Stark: Finally, I want: three pairs of tube socks, white, a toothbrush, protein powder, spices, sugar, five pounds of tea, cards. And a washing machine. Top load. Yinsen: Finally, he needs: three pairs of tube socks, white, a toothbrush, protein powder, spices, sugar, five pounds of tea, and some playing cards. And a washing machine. Top load. Abu: A WASHING MACHINE? DOES HE THINK I'M A FOOL? Tony Stark: Must have everything. Great Satan make big boom-kill for powerful Abu Bakar. Big boom-kill. Yinsen: You do know they've removed all the explosives before they brought this to us. Tony Stark: I know, they're crazy not stupid. This is what we're looking for. I need eleven of these. Yinsen: Eleven? Tony Stark: Heat the palladium to 1825 Kelvin. Yinsen: How will I know when it reaches that temperature? Tony Stark: The palladium will melt. Careful, careful... Yinsen: Relax. I always had steady hands. It's why you're still alive. Tony Stark: Oh yeah, thanks. What do I call you? Yinsen: My name is Yinsen. Tony Stark: Nice to meet you. Yinsen: Nice to meet you too. What are you building? Tony Stark: A better mousetrap. What are you shaving for? We're almost done. Yinsen: Look like an animal, and soon you'll start behaving like one. That doesn't look like a Jericho missile. Tony Stark: That's because it's a miniature ARK reactor. It should suspend the shrapnel in my chest and keep it from entering my heart. Yinsen: What an original invention. Tony Stark: Yeah, but this one is going to last a bit longer than a week. Yinsen: It's pretty small, what can it generate? Tony Stark: Three gigajoules - per second. Yinsen: That could run your heart for fifty lifetimes. Tony Stark: Or something very big for fifteen minutes. Let's put it in. Obadiah Stane: Sorry, did I startle you? Pepper Potts: A little... Obadiah Stane: This was a bad idea, I should never have let him go over there... Pepper Potts: Hey, hey...we've got to be strong, he's going to be okay. Yinsen: Stark, tell me what you're doing, and I'll tell you what I'm doing. Tony Stark: Looks to me like you're making a crappy backgammon board. Yinsen: Crappy? This is Lebanese cedar. Tony Stark: Is that where you're from, Lebanon? Yinsen: I'm impressed you even know what this is. How about we play, and if I win, you tell me what you're really making. Tony Stark: "A" I don't know what your talking about. "B" I was the backgammon champ at MIT four years running. Yinsen: Interesting, I was the champion at Cambridge. Tony Stark: Please don't use 'interesting' and Cambridge in the same sentence. Is that still a school? Yinsen: It's a university. You probably haven't heard about it since Americans can't get in. Tony Stark: Unless they're teaching. Raza: Relax. The bow and arrow was once the pinnacle of weapons technology. It allowed the great Genghis Khan to rule from the Pacific to the Ukraine. Today...whoever has the latest Stark weapons rules these lands. Soon it will be my turn... What's really going on here? Yinsen: Nothing. We're working. Raza: It's been a long time. Where's the weapon? Yinsen: He's working very hard. It's very complex. Raza: Get him on his knees. Tell me what is going on? Yinsen: Nothing! NOTHING is going on. Raza: OPEN YOUR MOUTH! TELL ME NOW! Yinsen: He's building your bomb. That's twice I saved your life. Now are you going to tell me what the hell you're really building? Finally, an idea of your own. My people have a tale, about a Prince - much hated by his King - who was banished to the underworld and jailed there... The evil King gave him the most difficult labor - working the iron pits. Year after year the Prince mined the heavy ore, becoming so strong he could crush pieces of it together with his bare hands. Too late, the King realized his mistake... When he struck at the Prince with his finest sword - it broke in half. The Prince himself had become strong as iron... Pepper Potts: So that's it? Everyone's pulling the plug and moving on... James Rhodes: There's nothing left we can do. If there was any indication Tony was still alive- Pepper Potts: Spare me. I read the official e- mail. Thought maybe you'd have something different to say. If anyone could figure out how to beat the odds, it's Tony. If it was you over there, he'd be finding a way to get you back. Or inventing a new one. James Rhodes: What do you want me to do? Pepper Potts: Be a better friend to him. General Gabriel: What do you think you're doing, Rhodes? James Rhodes: Going back there, Sir. General Gabriel: Listen, son - it's been three months without a single indication that Stark is still alive. We can't keep risking assets, least of all you. James Rhodes: Are you blocking my transfer, Sir? General Gabriel: Any one of these guys would kill for your career. Are you telling me you're willing to sacrifice that to fly a bunch of snake-eaters on a desert patrol half way around the world? James Rhodes: I am, Sir. General Gabriel: Then I have one thing to say to you: Godspeed. As you were. Tony Stark: We're ready. A week of assembly and we're a go. Yinsen: Then perhaps it's time we settle another matter... Ah, anchoring with 13-7. You know, I have never met anyone who understands the nuances of this game like you. Tony Stark: Right back at ya. You never told me where you're from. Yinsen: I come from a small village not far from here. It was a good place... before these men ravaged it. Tony Stark: Do you have a family? Yinsen: When I get out of here, I am going to see them again. Do you have family, Stark? Tony Stark: ...no. Yinsen: You're a man who has everything and nothing. Your laundry's over there. Abu: You idiots don't know what you're doing with that game. Tony Stark: Yeah-yeah, enjoy your laundry. Raza: You have till tomorrow to assemble my missile. Khalid. Where is Stark? Khalid: Yinsen! YINSEN! Tony Stark: It's frozen, the systems aren't talking to each other. Reset! Yinsen: No, they're moving. Very slow. Tony Stark: Get to your cover. Remember the checkpoints - make sure each one is clear before you follow me out. YINSEN! Yinsen: STOP! STOP! Tony Stark: We could've made it. Both of us. You could've seen your family again. Yinsen: I am going to see them again. They're waiting for me. James Rhodes: Saving your ass is getting to be a full time job. Tony Stark: Help me out of this thing- James Rhodes: I got you, pal. Pepper Potts: Thank you. Tony Stark: Your eyes are red. A few tears for your long-lost boss? Pepper Potts: Tears of joy. I hate job hunting. Happy Hogan: Good to see you again, Sir. Tony Stark: You do something new with your hair? Happy Hogan: Wouldn't dream of it, Sir. Where to, Mr. Stark? Pepper Potts: We're due at the hospital. Tony Stark: No - to the office. I've been in captivity for three months. There's only two things I want to do. I want to eat a cheeseburger. And I want to hold a press conference. Obadiah Stane: See this. Huh. Huh. Tony, thought we were meeting at the hospital. You know there's a lot of reporters in there. What's going on? Tony Stark: You'll see. C'mon - Pepper Potts: You'll have to take a seat, Sir. Phil Coulson: Oh, I'm not a reporter. I'm Agent Phil Coulson with the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division- Pepper Potts: That's a mouthful. Phil Coulson: I know. Here. Pepper Potts: Look, Mr. Coulson, we've already spoken with the D.O.D., the FBI, the CIA- Phil Coulson: We're a separate division with a more...specific focus. We need to debrief Tony about the circumstances of his escape. More importantly- Pepper Potts: Well, great, I'll let him know- Phil Coulson: -we're here to help. We're here to listen. I assure you Mr. Stark will want to talk to us. Pepper Potts: I'm sure he will. Now if you could just take your seat. Tony Stark: I...can't do this anymore. Reporter # 1: You mean you're retiring? Tony Stark: No, I don't want to retire. I want to do something else. Reporter # 1: Something besides weapons? Tony Stark: Yes. That's right. Reporter #2: The official report was sketchy. What happened to you over there, Mr. Stark? Tony Stark: What happened over there? I had my eyes opened, that's what happened. I saw my weapons, with my name on them, in the hands of thugs. I thought we were doing good here...I can't say that anymore. James Rhodes: Uhh, weren't we taking him to the hospital? Reporter #2: What do you intend to do about it, Mr. Stark? Tony Stark: The system is broken - there's no accountability whatsoever. Right now, as of this second, we are freezing the sale of all Stark weaponry worldwide. We've lost our way. I need to re- evaluate things. And my heart's telling me I have more to offer the planet than things that blow up. Reporter #3: So you're saying...what are you saying? Tony Stark: In the coming months, Mr. Stane here and I will set a new course for Stark Industries. "Tomorrow Today" has always been our slogan. It's time we try to live up to it. Obadiah Stane: Okay, I think we're going to be selling a lot of newspapers here. What we should take away from this is that Tony's back, he's healthier than ever, and as soon as he heals up and takes some time off, we're going to have a little internal discussion and get back to you. Thank you for coming by. Pepper Potts: You mean that? Or is this some clever stock-maneuver? Tony Stark: Wait and see. Obadiah Stane: Well that went well. You just painted targets on our heads. Our stock is going to take a 40 point dive tomorrow. Tony, we are a weapons manufacturer. Turning this company around to make baby bottles is like trying to get a bear to walk on its hind legs. Tony Stark: I don't want a body count to be my only legacy. There are other things we can do. Obadiah Stane: Like what? Tony Stark: We could develop the Arc Reactor. Obadiah Stane: This? This was a publicity stunt. It's not even cost effective. We knew that before we built it. Repulsor technology is a dead end. Tony Stark: No it isn't. Obadiah Stane: Oh my God. It is a miracle you are alive. What must have happened to you over there? We're a team. There is nothing we can't do if we stick together - like your father and I. Let me handle this. But you have to lay low. Don't talk to the press again. Can you do that for me? Tony Stark: Yes. Thanks Obie. Jarvis: Hello, Mr. Stark. Tony Stark: Hello, Jarvis. Jarvis: What can I do for you? Tony Stark: ...I need to build a better heart. Jarvis: I'm not sure I follow, Sir. Tony Stark: Give me a scan and you'll see. Jarvis: What were your intentions for this device? Tony Stark: It powers an electromagnet which keeps the shrapnel from entering my heart. Can you recommend any ugrades? Jarvis: It is difficult to offer counsel in light of the fact that your stated intentions are inconsistent with your actions. Tony Stark: What are you talking about? That is ridiculous. That is exactly the purpose of this invention. Jarvis: The energy yeild of this device outperforms your stated intention by eleven orders of magnitude. You could accomplish your stated goal with the power output of a car battery. Tony Stark: Upgrade recommendations. List. Jarvis: Why are you talking to me like a computer? Tony Stark: Because you are acting like one. Jarvis: Shall I disable random pattern conversation? Tony Stark: No. It's ok. You are the only one who understands me. Jarvis: I don't understand you sir. Tony Stark: Were you always this dry? I remember you having more personality than this. Jarvis: Should I activate sarcasm harmonics? Tony Stark: Fine. Could you please make your recommendations now? Jarvis: It would thrill me to no end. Tony Stark: Ahh that's more like it. Jarvis: Should I begin machining the parts? Tony Stark: Machine away. Raza: Keep looking. I want all of it. Cramer: Stark International: I've got one recommendation. Ready? SEELLLL! Abandon ship! Does the Hindenburg ring any bells? Phil Coulson: Hello. This is Agent Coulson with Strategic Homeland Inter- Pepper Potts: Yes. I remember. What can I do for you? Phil Coulson: I've left a number of messages trying to get something on the books with Mr. Stark. Pepper Potts: I know this is a priority for him. The next few weeks are a bit up in the air and I can't set appointments without speaking with him first. Phil Coulson: Do you know when you will be speaking with him again? Pepper Potts: Not Sure. Tony Stark: Pepper? How big are your hands? Phil Coulson: What was that? Pepper Potts: Agent Coulson, I really have to go. Let me get back to you later. What? Tony Stark: How big are your hands? Pepper Potts: I don't under- Tony Stark: - just get down here. Show me your hands. Pepper Potts: What? Tony Stark: Just show me your hands. Perfect, they're small. I need you to help me. Pepper Potts: So that's the thing that's keeping you alive. Tony Stark: That's the thing that was keeping me alive. It is now an antique. This is what will be keeping me alive for the foreseeable future. Pepper Potts: Amazing. Tony Stark: I'm going to swap them out and switch all functions to the new unit. Pepper Potts: Is it safe? Tony Stark: Completely. First I need you to reach in and- Pepper Potts: Reach in to where? Tony Stark: The socket. Pepper Potts: What socket? Tony Stark: The chest socket. Listen carefully, because we have to do this in a matter of minutes. Pepper Potts: Or else what? Tony Stark: I can go into cardiac arrest. Pepper Potts: I thought you said it was safe. Tony Stark: I didn't want you to panic. Pepper Potts: Oh my god... Tony Stark: Stay with me. I need you to relieve the pressure on my myocardial nerve. Pepper Potts: I don't know how to do that. Tony Stark: I'm telling you. Pepper Potts: Sorry... Tony Stark: Listen. I'm going to lift off the old chest piece- Pepper Potts: Won't that make you die? Tony Stark: Not immediately. When I lift it off I need you to reach into the socket as far as your hand can fit and gently move the housing away from my heart. Do you know which direction that is? Pepper Potts: To the right. Tony Stark: To my right. Your left. Pepper Potts: To the left. Tony Stark: Right. Pepper Potts: Left. Tony Stark: Right. Left. Pepper Potts: How deep does this go? Tony Stark: Keep going. That's it. Deeper. Now press. Yes. It's releasing. Pepper Potts: Ew!!! Pus! Tony Stark: It's not pus. It's an inorganic plasmic discharge. It's from the device, not my body. Pepper Potts: Well it smells. Am I done? Tony Stark: Yes. Thank you. Pepper Potts: Can I wash my hands now? Tony Stark: The new unit is much more efficient. This shouldn't happen again. Pepper Potts: Good, cause it's not in my job description. Tony Stark: It is now. Pepper Potts: I don't suppose you want to go over things? Tony Stark: Can it at least wait until I install my new untested ground- breaking self-contained power source and lifesaving device prototype? Pepper Potts: I suppose. Tony Stark: Throw that thing out. Pepper Potts: Don't you want to save it? Tony Stark: Why? It's antiquated. Pepper Potts: You made it out of spare parts in a dungeon. It saved your life. Doesn't it at least have some nostalgic value? Tony Stark: Pepper. I have been called many things. Nostalgic is not one of them. There. Good as new. Thank you. Pepper Potts: You're welcome. Can I ask you a favor? Tony Stark: Shoot. Pepper Potts: I don't do well under that kind of pressure. If you need someone to do something like that again, get somebody else. Tony Stark: I don't have anyone else. Pepper Potts: Will that be all, Mr. Stark? Tony Stark: That will be all, Ms. Potts. Jarvis: Still having trouble walking, Sir? Tony Stark: These aren't for walking. Ready to record the big moment, Jarvis? Jarvis: All sensors ready, Sir. Tony Stark: We'll start off easy. Ten percent. Jarvis: That flight yielded excellent data, Sir. Tony Stark: Great. I, uhh, think I know what this needs. James Rhodes: Manned or unmanned, which is the future of air combat? For my money, no drone, no computer will ever trump a pilot's instincts. His reflexes, his judgement- Tony Stark: Why not take it a step further? Why not...a pilot without the plane? James Rhodes: That I'd like to see. Look who fell out of the sky... Tony Stark: Who wants to take these apart and put them back together? James Rhodes: All right - let's wrap it up. I didn't think I'd be seeing you for a while. Tony Stark: Why not? James Rhodes: Figured you'd need a little time. Tony Stark: Why does everybody think I need time? James Rhodes: You've been through a lot, thought you should get your head straight. Tony Stark: I've got it straight. And I'm back to work. James Rhodes: Really? Tony Stark: I'm onto something big. I want you to be a part of it. James Rhodes: Lot of people around here will be happy to hear that. What you said at that press conference really threw everyone. Tony Stark: I mean what I said. James Rhodes: No you don't. You took a bad hit. It spun you around. Tony Stark: Maybe I do need a little time. James Rhodes: All right then. Good seeing you. Tony Stark: Likewise. Pepper Potts: Thought you were done with weapons. Tony Stark: It's a flight-stabilizer. Pepper Potts: Well, watch where you're pointing your "fight-stabilizer", would you? Obadiah's upstairs - should I tell him you're in? Tony Stark: Be right up. This - this is the big-big idea. It can pull the company in a whole new direction. Obadiah Stane: That's great. Get me the design as soon as you can. We've got a hungry production line that knock out a prototype in days. Tony Stark: You know, I had a moment there where I was...reluctant...but I know now I made the best decision. I feel like I'm doing something... right, finally. Thank you for supporting me in this. Obadiah Stane: Listen, I have something to talk to you about. I really wish you'd attended the last board meeting like I asked you to. Tony Stark: I know, I'm sorry. What did I miss? Obadiah Stane: The board's filed an injunction against you. Tony Stark: What? Obadiah Stane: They claim you're unfit to run the company and want to lock you out. Tony Stark: How the hell can they do that? It's my name on the building! My ideas that drive that company. Obadiah Stane: They're going to try. We'll fight them, of course. Tony Stark: With the amount of stocks we own I thought we controlled the company. Obadiah Stane: I don't know. Somehow they pulled enough votes together. Listen, the world doesn't share your vision, Tony. The more people have to lose, the more frightened they are of new ideas. Now listen, I don't want you to get all in knots. You know how many times I protected your father from the wolves? Get back to your lab and work some magic. You let me handle the board. Oh and Tony, no more press conferences. Tony Stark: Nothing to it... All right. Let's get to work. Standby for calibration. Whoa- We should take this outside. Jarvis: I must strongly caution against that. There are terabytes of calculations still needed - Tony Stark: We'll do them in-flight. Jarvis: Sir, the suit has not even passed a basic wind-tunnel test. Tony Stark: That's why you're coming with me. Jarvis: I suggest you allow me to employ Directive Four. Tony Stark: Never interrupt me while I'm with a beautiful woman? Jarvis: That's Directive Six. Directive Four: use any and all means to protect your life should you be incapable of doing so. Tony Stark: Whatever floats you, Jarvis. Jarvis: Power: fifteen percent. Recommend you descend and re-charge, Sir. Acknowledge, Mr. Stark- Power at five percent. Threshold breached - Tony Stark: Uhh, Jarvis? JARVIS -? STATUS, STATUS! REBOOT - Jarvis: Temporary power restored. Descend immediately. Tony Stark: Jarvis, I think we need to chat about, uh, Directive Four. Jarvis: May I remind you, the suit feeds off the same power source as your life-support. A zero-drain of RT will likely kill you. Tony Stark: You're a downer, Jarvis. But I appreciate the heads-up. Jarvis: Shall I take over? Tony Stark: No, I got it, I got it - Perfect. Let's do some upgrades. Jarvis: That was quite dangerous, Sir. Might I remind you, if the suit loses power, so does your heart. Tony Stark: Yeah, and it doesn't have a seatbelt either. A few issues: main transducer felt sluggish at plus forty altitude. Same goes for hull pressurization. I'm thinking icing might be a factor. Jarvis: The suit isn't rated for high altitude. You're expending eight percent power just heating and pressurizing. Tony Stark: Re-configure using the gold- titanium alloy from the Seraphim Tactical Satellite. It should ensure fuselage integrity to 50 thousand feet, while maintaining power-to-weight ratio. Jarvis: Shall I render, utilizing proposed specifications? Tony Stark: Wow me. Hm. Bit ostentatious, don't you think? Add a little red, would you? Reporter: Tonight's Red-Hot Red Carpet is here at the Walt Disney Concert Hall, where Tony Stark's third annual benefit for the Firefighter Family Fund has become the go-to charity gala on L.A.'s high-society calendar. But this great cause is only part of the story- -the man whose name graces the gold-lettered invitations hasn't been seen in public since his highly controversial press conference, and rumors abound. Some say Stark is suffering from post traumatic stress and hasn't left his bed in weeks. Jarvis: The work could take till morning to complete, Sir. Tony Stark: Good. I should come up for air anyway. Eyyy, there he is. My man! Sorry, thought you were someone else. Obadiah Stane: What are you doing here? I thought you were going to lay low. Tony Stark: It's time to start showing my face again. Obadiah Stane: Let's just take it slow, okay. I got the board right where we want them. Tony Stark: Great. See ya inside. Lots to talk about. Phil Coulson: Mr. Stark. Agent Coulson. Tony Stark: Oh...was I supposed to meet you here? Phil Coulson: No, but you haven't been returning my calls. This is serious, we need to get something on the books or I'll have to go official on you. Tony Stark: Yes, you're right. I'm going to handle this right now. Let me check with my assistant. Miss Potts - can I have five minutes? You look...you look like should always wear that dress. Pepper Potts: Thanks. It was a birthday present- from you. Tony Stark: I have great taste. Care to dance? I'm sorry. Am I making you uncomfortable? You seem very uncomfortable. Pepper Potts: No, I always forget to wear deodorant and dance with my boss in front of everyone I've ever worked with in a chiffon dress. Tony Stark: Would it help if I fired you? Pepper Potts: You wouldn't last a week without me. Tony Stark: I'm not so sure. Pepper Potts: What's your Social Security number? Tony Stark: Uh... Pepper Potts: 119-64-5484 I'm sorry I was so uncomfortable. I hate being the center of attention like that and that's why this one time in high school when I was supposed to be in a play... no, never mind... but you know that's why I never like, wanted to have a big wedding... you know, because I thought everyone would be looking at me wearing a dress. Oh, no, no... I'm not saying, like, "wedding." No, not like that. I'm just saying, you know... Tony Stark: Can I get you another glass of wine? Pepper Potts: A vodka martini, extra dry, with extra olives as soon as possible. Tony Stark: Okay. Pepper Potts: And, Tony... I'm not a cheeseburger. Tony Stark: No. You're not a cheeseburger. Christine Everhart: Mr. Stark! I was hoping I could get a reaction from you. Tony Stark: How's panic? Christine Everhart: I was referring to your company's involvement in this latest atrocity. Tony Stark: Hey, they just put my name on the invitations - Christine Everhart: Is this what you call accountability? Tony Stark: When were these taken? Christine Everhart: Yesterday. Good P.R. move, you tell the world you're a changed man, even I believed you. Tony Stark: I didn't approve this shipment. Christine Everhart: Well your company did. Tony Stark: Come with me. I made some promises I'm not going to be able to keep. I suggest you pull all your money out of Stark Industries immediately - Obadiah Stane: Is this like a tick for you? Whenever you have a feeling, you start going to all the people who don't trust you, who don't protect you. They're going to put a spin on everything you say. Tony Stark: Wait a minute. I got to ask you something. I'm dead serious about this. I'm not kidding. Am I losing my mind or is Pepper really cute? Do you think she's attractive and interesting, or is it just that her hair is down? I've been out of the game for a while. Obadiah Stane: Are you out of your mind. You're messing with the "guys in the rooms", we're talking about billion dollar interests, the world order - Tony Stark: I'm not worried about that right now - Obadiah Stane: - you should be. You'll disappear. I can't protect you against people like that -? DO YOU MIND? Tony don't be so naive - Tony Stark: - naive? I was naive before, when I was growing up and they told me don't ever cross this line, this is how we do business. In the meantime we're double-dealing under the table. We don't even deserve to represent the United States - Obadiah Stane: - Tony, you're a child -! Tony Stark: - you don't believe I can turn this company around, do you -? Obadiah Stane: - you've got about as much control over things as a child riding in the backseat of your father's car with a red plastic steering wheel in your hand. Tony Stark: Maybe I'll just get out of the car. Obadiah Stane: You're not even allowed in the car. I'm the one who's filing the injunction against you. It's the only way I could protect you. Tony Stark: This is going to stop. Tv Reporter’S Voice: - the ten mile drive to the outskirts of Gulmira can only be described as a descent into Hell, into a modern-day Heart of Darkness. Simple farmers and herders, from peaceful villages, driven from their homes at the butt of Western rifles and the turrets of modern tanks. Displaced from their lands by Warlords and insurgent groups emboldened by their newfound power - a power fueled by high-tech weapons easily purchased with Poppy money on the black market - and further destabilizing a fragile region which for decades has been a tinderbox of tribal feuding and ethnic hatred - The villagers have taken shelter in whatever crude dwellings they can find - in the ruins of other razed villages, in the cold barren scrublands, or in the remnants of an old Soviet smelting plant. Our translator relayed to us one human tragedy after another. A seven year old boy, thin as a scarecrow, clutching yellowed photographs and holding them out to anyone who would stop, with a child's simple question: where are my mother and father? A woman, begging for news of her husband, who'd been kidnapped by insurgents - either forced to join their militia, or to be shot without reason - With no political will or international pressure, there is little hope for these newly-formed refugees. Refugees who can only wonder one thing: is the world watching? Pepper Potts: Are you going to tell me what's going on? Tony Stark: Get my house in Dubai ready. I want to throw a party. Pepper Potts: Yes. Mr. Stark. Tycoon: Tony! You never said what is the big occasion? Tony Stark: Ever known me to need one? Pepper Potts: Well you seem back in old form. Tony Stark: Life of the party - isn't that what everyone wanted? Cue the fireworks in five, would you? Dubai Beauty #1: Kinky! Pepper Potts: Sure. Don't hurt yourself. Tony Stark: I'll be right back. Why don't you two...get started without me. Iron Man Kid: Arto! ARTO! Soldier: Geneva Convention! Article Three! Geneva Convention - Major Allen: Are we in there? Officer: Negative, it's a local skirmish, green-on-green. Major Allen: Anyone want to tell me what the hell I'm looking at? Officer: A drone? An advanced robotic? We don't know what it is, Sir. Major Allen: Get someone down here from Weapons Development - now. Raza: Put me through to the boss. Tony Stark: Jarvis, plot a course for home. Major Allen: So what do we have here, Rhodes? James Rhodes: I don't think it's Russian, or Chinese. Major Allen: Then where did it come from? James Rhodes: Let me make a call. Tony Stark: Put it through, Jarvis. Yeah? James Rhodes: Tony, it's Rhodey. What the hell's that noise? Tony Stark: I'm in the convertible. Not the best time - James Rhodes: I need a quick ID. What do you know about un-manned combat robotics, with air-ground capabilities. Tony Stark: Never heard of anything like that. Why? Officer: UAV has entered the no-fly zone- James Rhodes: Because I think I'm staring at one right now, and it's about get blown to Kingdom Come. Major Allen: Rhodes! You got something for me? Tony Stark: Uhh...'kingdom come'? This is my exit - gotta go. Viper 1: Ballroom Control - this is Viper 1 & 2 checking in. UAV is in sight. Major Allen: Viper: target at 330 for 10 miles. Viper 1: Ballroom, contact appears to be an unmanned aerial vehicle- Major Allen: Ballroom copies, you are cleared to engage. Bitching-Betty: Locked on! Locked on! Jarvis: Incoming Sidewinder in five... four...three...two... Sir, may I remind you that the suit can handle these maneuvers. You cannot. Tony Stark: Jarvis - AIR BRAKES! Viper 1: That was not a drone. Viper 2: Where the hell is it? Officer: Lt. Colonel Rhodes, I have Tony Stark calling- James Rhodes: Put him through. Tony Stark: Rhodey, I had Jarvis run a check. I might have some info on that UAV. A piece of gear like that might exist. Might definitely exist - James Rhodes: Wouldn't happen to be red and gold, would it? Viper 1: Viper 2 - he's on your belly! Shake him! Viper 2: What-? Viper 1: Ballroom: that is definitely not a UAV. Major Allen: What is it then? Viper 1: I think it's...a Man, sir. James Rhodes: Son of a bitch. Tony-! Viper 1: Still there Viper 2. ROLL! ROLL! Jarvis: Sir: two minutes and there won't be sufficient power to get home. Viper 1: I'M HIT! Major Allen: Viper 2, do you see a chute? Viper 2: Negative! No chute, no chute- Jarvis: Power critical, set course for home immediately. Viper 2: The UAV is going after him! It's attacking-! GOOD CHUTE! GOOD CHUTE! You're not gonna believe this, Ballroom... but that thing just saved his ass. Major Allen: Viper 2: re-engage. James Rhodes: - WAIT -! Major Allen: - TAKE THE TARGET OUT! James Rhodes: Major, call off that Raptor. You don't know what you're shooting at. Major Allen: We'll find out when recover the pieces. Bitching-Betty: LOCKED ON! LOCKED ON! Viper 2: Ballroom: understand, you want me to engage the UAV? Major Allen: Copy. James Rhodes: Negative, Viper 2, disengage. Major Allen: It's not your call. That thing just took out an F-22 inside a legal no-fly zone Viper 2: you get a clean shot you take it. Viper 2. Can you confirm the kill? Viper 2: I got him good. He went down, he was smokin'. But I cannot confirm. Tony Stark: Get me home... Raza: Welcome. Compliments of Tony Stark. Obadiah Stane: If you'd killed him when you were supposed to, you'd still have a face. Raza: You paid us trinkets to kill a prince. An insult, to me and the man whose ring I wear. Obadiah Stane: I think it's best we don't get him involved in this. I've come a long way to see this weapon. Show me. Raza: Come. Leave your guards outside. His escape bore unexpected fruit. Obadiah Stane: ...so this is how he did it. Raza: This is only a crude first effort. But he's perfected his design- Obadiah Stane: What's this? Raza: The inside of Tony Stark's mind. Everything you will need to build this weapon. Stark has made a masterpiece of death. A man with a dozen of these could rule from the Pacific to the Ukraine. And you dream of Stark's throne - we have a common enemy. If we are back in business, I give you these designs as my gift. In turn, I hope you will repay me with a gift of iron soldiers. Obadiah Stane: This...is the only gift you shall receive. Technology - it's always been your Achilles Heel. Don't worry, it'll wear off in fifteen minutes - but that's the least of your problems. Crate up that armor and the rest of it. Send them to their virgins. Phil Coulson: Ms. Potts. It's Agent Coulson from the Strategic Homeland Inter- Pepper Potts: Yes, I know. Unfortunately Tony is not going to be available to sit down with you for a while. Phil Coulson: Really? And why is that? Pepper Potts: He's uh, there's a...Tony won't be- Phil Coulson: Maybe I can meet with you instead? Pepper Potts: Why? I don't know anything. Phil Coulson: About what? Pepper Potts: About anything. James Rhodes: Pepper. It's Rhodey. Pepper Potts: Come in. Phil Coulson: I'd just like to ask you a few questions. Pepper Potts: I'm really jammed right now. Booked solid for the next few weeks. I have to go. Phil Coulson: Let's just put something on the books. How about the twenty-eighth? Seven PM, at Stark Industries? Pepper Potts: Great. Perfect. Bye. James Rhodes: How's he doing? Pepper Potts: Not so good. James Rhodes: I want to see him. Pepper Potts: You can't see him right now. James Rhodes: What the hell is going on here? Let me in there, Pepper. Pepper Potts: You want to see him? Fine. See what you've done to him. James Rhodes: Look at you...what were you thinking? Tony Stark: Weapons I built are being used to kill innocent people. Can't let that happen anymore. James Rhodes: You can't go around and blow up stuff every time you see something you don't like on TV. Tony Stark: Yes I can. James Rhodes: You got lucky, next time they'll blow you to pieces. Tony Stark: Next time, maybe I won't play defense. James Rhodes: Does Pepper know about this? You've put me in a tough spot here. What am I supposed to do? Tony Stark: That's up to you. I've made my choice - I'm not going to sit on the sidelines anymore - I'm going to fight for what's right. James Rhodes: Don't you get it? It's not up to us to decide. Tony Stark: That's where you're wrong... Obadiah Stane: Civilization, gentlemen, has been preserved by the right people having the right idea at the right time. You are shaping in your hands, this very moment, the future of this company, and this nation. But it is imperative this project remain data-masked, that it's existence never leave these walls. Make no mistake - this is a 'tool', that in wrong hands, could jeopardize civilization as we know it. Head Engineer: Give us full access to the Sampson Cluster, and we'll have you a prototype in record time. Obadiah Stane: The Sampson's yours. We go 24-7. Yinsen: Are you on the right path? I don't know...what does your heart tell you, Stark? Tony Stark: This device will hack into Stark Industries mainframe. I need you to go to there and retrieve all shipping manifests. Pepper Potts: What are you doing? Absolutely not you should be in bed... Tony Stark: ...they've been dealing weapons under the table and I'm going to stop them. Pepper Potts: Absolutely not. I'm not helping you with anything if you're going to start this again. Tony Stark: There is nothing else. There's no art opening. There's no benefit. There's nothing to sign. There's no decisions to be made. There's the next mission and nothing else. There's nothing except this. Pepper Potts: I quit. Tony Stark: Really? You stood there by my side when all I did was reap the benefits of wholesale irresponsibility and destruction and now that I'm trying to right those wrongs and protect the people I put in harms way you're going to walk out on me. Pepper Potts: You're going to kill yourself. I can't support that. Tony Stark: So far so good. Pepper. I know what I have to do. I don't know if I can, but I know in my heart that it's right. And you do too. And I can't do it without you. Head Engineer: There's no technology that can power this thing. Obadiah Stane: I told you, miniaturize the ARK reactor. Head Engineer: I'm sorry, Mr. Stane, I've tried. What you're asking for can't be done. Obadiah Stane: Tony Stark was able to do it in a cave - with a box of scraps. Head Engineer: Well...I'm not Tony Stark. Pepper Potts: Make a copy of everything- What are you doing, Obadiah? Translate- Obadiah Stane: What a nice surprise. Pepper Potts: I...just wanted to get some of my personal stuff. And my resume. In case. You know how I love job hunting. Obadiah Stane: How's Tony? Pepper Potts: Honestly...I don't know. He's shut me out. Obadiah Stane: You and everyone else. Pepper Potts: This...thing between you, it's hurting him. You're the only real father Tony ever had. It would mean so much if you could just talk - Obadiah Stane: Tony's imploding - it's unfortunate. You should consider whether you want to take that ride with him. Pepper Potts: "Unfortunate?" Obadiah Stane: You know I love Tony - but this is business. We can't save him, but we can save his legacy. It's tragic, but...Tony never really came home, did he? This company has a bright future, I'd like you to be a part of it. Tony doesn't understand your value. He never did. Pepper Potts: Are you...offering me a job? Obadiah Stane: Think about it. Come on, I'll walk you out. Phil Coulson: Miss Potts, did you forget our appointment? Pepper Potts: No. Of course not. I've been very much looking forward to it. Let's- - why don't we do this somewhere else? Tony Stark: What gives, Jarvis? Jarvis: You have a visitor, Sir. Obadiah Stane is here. Obadiah Stane: It's UNOS. Four cheese. I just had it flown in from Chicago. I'd like you to proof-read something for me. Jarvis: Would you like me to spell-check it, Sir? Obadiah Stane: Can you turn him off? All the way? Tony Stark: Spin down Jarvis. Your resignation. Obadiah Stane: You were right. It's not my company - not my name on the building. We were a great team...but I guess this is where our paths diverge. Tony Stark: Pepper. I should take that. Obadiah Stane: Tony. Please. I'll be out of here in a minute. We have too much history to part on bad terms. I'd like your blessing. Easy, now. Try to breathe... You can't mess with progress, Tony. It's an insult to the Gods. You created your greatest weapon ever - but you think that means it belongs to you. It belongs to the world. Your "heart" will be the seed of the next generation of weapons. They'll help us steer the world back in the right direction - put the balance of power back in our hands. The right hands. By the time you die, my prototype will be operational. It's not as conservative as yours. The sad thing is...we're both the good guys. James Rhodes: What do you mean, he paid to have Tony killed? Slow down. Why would Obadiah- Where is Tony now? Pepper Potts: -I don't know, he's not answering his phone. Will you just go over there and check on him? Thanks Rhodey. I know a short cut. Phil Coulson: I'll ride with her. Agent: Clear. James Rhodes: TONY- Tony Stark: Where's Pepper? James Rhodes: Don't worry, she's with the Feds. They're on their way to Stark to arrest Obadiah. Tony Stark: They're going to need a lot more than a few Agents. Give me hand. Agent: Agents down, agents down! GET OUT OF HERE - Pepper Potts: Tony! Obadiah's got a whole assembly line under the Ark. He's inside one of them-! Tony Stark: Where are you-? Pepper Potts: Obadiah... Tony- Tony Stark: Pepper, I have one thing I need to say to you: DUCK! Obadiah Stane: It's miraculous, Tony, it's your Ninth Symphony. Trying to rid the world of weapons, you gave it its best one ever. Tony Stark: This wasn't meant for the world. Obadiah Stane: How can you be so selfish? Do you understand what you've created? This will put the balance of power back in our hands for decades. Your country needs this. Tony Stark: What kind of world will it be when everybody's got one? Obadiah Stane: Your father helped give us the bomb. What kind of world would it be if he'd failed us? Pepper Potts: TONY - ARE YOU THERE? Tony Stark: A little busy, Pepper- Pepper Potts: The reactor's been it- Tony Stark: Get to the control room. Shut it down- Pepper Potts: How the hell do I shut it down?? Tony Stark: Don't. This is our fight. Obadiah Stane: People are always going to die, Tony - part of the chess game. Tony Stark: Emergency power! Jarvis: Sir, you'll drain the - Tony Stark: NOW! Kid In The Backseat: GO, MOM! GO - Pepper Potts: TONY? Where are you-? I'm in the control room. Now what? Tony Stark: Central panel. Red button. Press it. Pepper Potts: Thanks, Tony. Tony Stark: What's the delta rate? Pepper Potts: 1-2-5-0. Tony Stark: Damn - Pepper Potts: Damn?! I don't want to hear "damn." GET UP HERE- Tony Stark: Pepper, I'm delegating this to you. FIND A WAY! You know what happens when that reactor blows. A lot of people are going to die. Obadiah Stane: It didn't have to end like this, Tony. You were down - you should've stayed down. Tony Stark: You had to take my car. James Rhodes: Saving your ass is getting to be a full-time job. Tony Stark: Get this area evacuated! There's going to be a meltdown- Pepper, how we doing? Pepper Potts: Thanks for checking in Tony. Delta's at 2300. It's not going down. Tony Stark: It's too late. Pepper Potts: Too late? What's going to happen? Tony Stark: It's going to blow a crater a mile wide. I'm coming to get you. Pepper, wait. Stay put - we're going to overload the reactor. Pepper Potts: IT'S ALREADY OVERLOADING - Tony Stark: No, it's compressing energy. We're going to convert the plasma core to electricity and channel it up through the roof. Like a Tesla coil. Pepper Potts: I don't need a science lesson, just tell me what button to push - Tony Stark: See a red submarine hatch? A wheel - a red wheel. Pepper Potts: ...no. YES - Tony Stark: Open it all the way, then standby to hit the master. We've only got one shot at this. Pepper, hit the switch. PEPPER - Pepper Potts: TONY? Which Master Switch - I am so looking for another job. Tony Stark: Take my hand... Obadiah Stane: So this is the answer, Tony? This is how you're going to save the world? It's not in you. Your father told me before he died, my boy doesn't have a warrior's heart. I should have listened. Tony Stark: My father never knew me. Obadiah Stane: But I do. Goodbye, my boy... Tony Stark: This is just the beginning. Pepper Potts: Here, your alibi. You were on your yacht. I've got port papers that put you in Avalon all night, and sworn statements from fifty of your guests. Tony Stark: Maybe it was just the two of us. On the yacht, I mean. Pepper Potts: Focus, please. Tony Stark: "Iron Man". Not technically accurate, since it's mostly carbon- fiber and ceramic. But I like the ring of it. "Iron Man"... You know...that night at the concert hall. Do you ever think about it? Pepper Potts: I don't know what you're talking about, Mr. Stark. Will that be all, Mr. Stark? Tony Stark: That will be all Miss Potts. James Rhodes: -I can confirm that a series of military test-prototypes were involved in the incident at Stark Industries last night. I can also confirm that there was, for a brief time, the danger of an Ark Reactor "incident", which was rectified without injury to the public - and all power outages have been restored. Here now, to answer a few brief questions, is Tony Stark. Tony Stark: I've seen the papers. I've heard the reports. That's why I want to put an end to all this wild speculation. The truth is- I am Iron Man. James Rhodes: Good. And I want a Gatling gun on the right shoulder. Tony Stark: -and a rocket launcher on the left? Where are you going to store all that ammo? James Rhodes: Who's suit is this anyway? And do it in silver and black, would you?

Tony Stark: Been a while since I was up here in front of you. Maybe I'll do us all a favour and just stick to the cards. There's been some speculation that I was somehow involved in the events that occurred on the freeway and on the rooftop... Christine Everhart: Sorry, Mr Stark, do you honestly expect us to believe that that was a bodyguard in a suit that convinently appeared despite the fact that you sorely despise bodyguards? Tony Stark: Yes Christine Everhart: And this mysterious bodyguard was somehow equipped with an undisclosed Stark high-tech powered battle... Tony Stark: I know that it's confusing. It is one thing to question the official story and another thing entirely to make wild accusations, or insinuate that I'm a superhero. I mean, let's face it, I'm not the heroric type. A laundry list of character defects, all the mistakes I've made, largely public. The truth is... I am Iron Man. Anton Vanko: Ivan. Vanya. That should be you. Ivan Vanko: Don't listen to that crap Anton Vanko: I'm sorry. All I can give you is my knowledge. Man: 270 at 30 knots. Holding steady at 15000 feet. You are clear for exfiltration over the drop zone Pretty Much Everyone In The Crowd: Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony Stark: It's good to be back. You missed me? Man In Crowd: Blow something up! Tony Stark: I missed you too. Blow something up? I already did that. I'm not saying that the world is enjoying its longest period of uninterrupted peace in years because of me. I'm not saying that from the ashes of captivity, never has a greater phoenix metaphor been personified in human history. I'm not saying that Uncle Sam can kick back on a lawn chair, sipping on an iced tea because I haven't come across anyone who's man enough to go toe-to-toe with me on my best day. Woman In Crowd: I love you Tony! Tony Stark: Please, it's not about me. It's not about you. It's not even about us. It's about legacy. It's about what we choose to leave behind for future generations. And that's why for the next year and for the first time since 1974, the best and brightest men and women of nations and corporations the world over will pool their resources, share their collective vision, to leave behind a brighter future. It's not about us. Therefore, what I'm saying, if I'm saying anything, is welcome back to the Stark Expo. And now, making a special guest appearance from the great beyond to tell you what it's all about, please welcome my father, Howard. Howard Stark: Everything is achievable through technology. Better living, robust health, and for the first time in human history, the possibility of world peace. So, from all of us here at Stark Industries, I would like to personally introduce you to the City of the Future. Technology holds infinite possibilities for mankind, and will one day rid society of all its ills. Soon technology will affect the way you live your life every day. No more tedious work, leaving more time for leisure activities and enjoying the sweet life. The Stark Expo. Welcome. Reporter: We are coming to you live from the kickoff at the Stark Expo, where Tony Stark has just walked offstage. Don't worry if you can't make it down here tonight because this Expo goes on all year long. And I'm gonna be here checking out all the attractions and the pavilions and inventions from all around the world. Happy Hogan: Make sure you join me... Tony Stark: All right, it's a zoo out there, watch out. Happy Hogan: Open up, let's go. Tony Stark: Hey, nice to see you. All right. Thank you. I remember you. People: Tony, Tony Tony Stark: Hey, hey. Woman: Call me. Happy Hogan: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on, come on. Tony Stark: Hello. It would be a pleasure. Happy Hogan: Okay Tony Stark: See you buddy Happy Hogan: This is Larry. Tony Stark: Hey, the oracle of Oracle. What a pleasure. Nice to see you. Stan Lee: Call me. Call me. Happy Hogan: Larry King. Tony Stark: Larry! Larry. Yes, my people, my people. Happy Hogan: Come on, Tony. There we go. Tony Stark: Very mellow. Happy Hogan: That wasn't so bad. Tony Stark: No, it was perfect. Happy Hogan: Look what we got here, the new model. Tony Stark: Hey, does she come with the car? Happy Hogan: I certainly hope so. Hi. Tony Stark: Hi. And you are? Woman: Marshal. Tony Stark: Irish. I like it. Marshal: Pleased to meet you Tony. Tony Stark: I'm on the wheel. Do you mind? Where you from? Marshal: Bedford. Tony Stark: What are you doing here? Marshal: Looking for you. Tony Stark: Yeah? You found me. What are you up to later? Marshal: Serving subpoenas. Tony Stark: Yikes. Happy Hogan: He doesn't like to be handed things. Tony Stark: Yeah, I have a peeve. Marshal: I got it. You are hereby ordered to appear before the Senate Armed Services Committee tomorrow morning at 9 am. Tony Stark: Can I see a badge? Marshal: You wanna see the badge? Happy Hogan: He likes the badge. Marshal: You still like it? Tony Stark: Yep. How far are we from D.C.? Happy Hogan: D.C.? 250 miles. Senator Stern: Mr Stark, could we pick up now where we left off? Mr Stark. Please. Tony Stark: Yes dear? Senator Stern: Can I have your attention? Tony Stark: Absolutely. Senator Stern: Do you or do you not possess a specialised weapon? Tony Stark: I do not. Senator Stern: You do not? Tony Stark: I do not. Well, it depends on how you define the word weapon. Senator Stern: The Iron Man weapon. Tony Stark: My device does not fit that description. Senator Stern: Well... How would you describe it? Tony Stark: I would describe it by defining it as what it is, Senator. Senator Stern: As? Tony Stark: It's a high-tech prosthesis. That is... That is... That's actually the most apt description I can make of it. Senator Stern: It's a weapon. It's a weapon, Mr Stark. Tony Stark: Please, if your priority was actually the well-being of the American citizen... Senator Stern: My priority is to get the Iron Man weapon turned over to the people of the United States of America. Tony Stark: Well, you can forget it. I am Iron Man. The suit and I are one. To turn over the Iron Man suit would be to turn over myself which is tantamount to indentured servitude or prostitution, depending or what state you're in. You can't have it. Senator Stern: Look, I'm no expert... Tony Stark: In prostitution? Of course not. You're a senator. Come on. Senator Stern: I'm no expert in weapons. We have somebody here who is an expert on weapons. I'd now like to call Justin Hammer, our current primary weapons contractor. Tony Stark: Let the record reflect that I observed Mr Hammer entering the chamber, and I am wondering if and when any actual expert will also be in attendance. Justin Hammer: Absolutely. I'm no expert. I defer to you, Anthony. You're the wonder boy. Senator, if I may. I may well not be an expert, but you know who was the expert? Your dad. Howard Stark. Really a father to us all, and to the military-industrial age. Let's just be clear, he was no flower child. He was a lion. We all know why we're here. In the last six months, Anthony Stark has created a sword with untold possibilities. And yet, he insists it's a shield. He asks us to trust him as we cower behind it. I wish I were comforted, Anthony, I really do. I'd love to leave my door unlocked when I leave the house, but this ain't Canada. You know, we live in a world of grave threats, threats that Mr Stark will not always be able to foresee. Thank you. God bless Iron Man. God bless America. Senator Stern: That is well said Mr Hammer. The committee would now like to invite Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes to the chamber. Tony Stark: Rhodey? What? Hey, buddy. I didn't expect to see you here. James Rhodes: Look, it's me, I'm here. Deal with it. Let's move on. Tony Stark: I just... James Rhodes: Drop it. Tony Stark: All right, I'll drop it. Senator Stern: I have before me a complete report on the Iron Man weapon, complied by Colonel Rhodes. And, Colonel, for the record, can you please read page 57, paragraph four? James Rhodes: You're requesting that I read specific selections from my report, Senator? Senator Stern: Yes, sir. James Rhodes: It was my understanding that I was going to be testifying in a much more comprehensive and detailed manner. Senator Stern: I understand. A lot of things have changed today. So if you could just read... James Rhodes: You do understand that reading a single paragraph out of context does not reflect the summery of my final... Senator Stern: Just read it, Colonel. I do. Thank you. James Rhodes: Very well. "As he does not operate within any definable branch of government, Iron Man presents a potential threat to the security of both the nation and to her interests." I did however, go on to summarise that the benefits of Iron Man far outweigh three liabilities and that it would be in our interest... Senator Stern: That's enough Colonel James Rhodes: ...to fold Mr Stark... Senator Stern: That's enough James Rhodes: ...into the existing chain of command, Senator. Tony Stark: I'm not a joiner, but I'll consider Secretary of Defence, if you ask nice. We can amend the hours a little bit. Senator Stern: I'd like to go on and show, if I may, the imagery that's connected to your report. James Rhodes: I believe it is somewhat premature to reveal these images to the general public at this time. Senator Stern: With all due respect, Colonel, I understand. And if you could just narrate those for us, we'd be very grateful. Let's have the images. James Rhodes: Intelligence suggests that the devices seen in these photos are, in fact, attempts at making manned copies of Mr Stark's suit. This has been corroborated by our allies and local intelligence on the ground... ... indicating that these suits are quite possibly, at this moment, operational. Tony Stark: Hold on a second buddy. Let me see something here. Boy, I'm good. I commandeered your screens. I need them. Time for a little transparency. Now, let's see what's really going on. Senator Stern: What is he doing? Tony Stark: If you will direct your attention to said screens, I believe that's North Korea. Senator Stern: Can you turn that off? Take it off. Tony Stark: Iran. No grave threat here. Is that Justin Hammer? How did Hammer get in the game? Justin, you're on TV. Focus up. Justin Hammer: Okay, give me a left twist. Left's good. Turn to the right. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Tony Stark: Wow. Yeah, I'd say most countries, five, ten years away. Hammer Industries, twenty. Justin Hammer: I'd like to point out that that test pilot survived. Senator Stern: I think we're done is the point that he's making. I don't think there's any reason... Tony Stark: The point is, you're welcome, I guess Senator Stern: For what? Tony Stark: Because I'm your nuclear deterrent. It's working. We're safe. America is secure. You want my property? You can't have it. But I did you a big favour. I've successfully privatised world peace. What more do you want? For now! I tried to play ball with these ass-clowns. Senator Stern: you, Mr Stark. you, buddy. We're adjourned. We're adjourned for today. Tony Stark: Okay. Senator Stern: You've been a delight. Tony Stark: My bond is with the people. And I will serve this great nation at the pleasure of myself. If there's one thing I've proven it's that you can count on me to pleasure myself. Wake up, Daddy's home. Jarvis: Welcome home, sir. Congratulations on the opening ceremonies. They were such a success, as was your Senate hearing. And may I say how refreshing it is to finally see you in a video with your clothing on, sir. Tony Stark: You! I swear to God I'll dismantle you. I'll soak your motherboard. I'll turn you into a wine rack. How many ounce a day of this gobbledegook am I supposed to drink? Jarvis: We are up to 80 ounces a day to counteract the symptoms, sir. Tony Stark: Check palladium levels. Jarvis: Blood toxicity, 24%. It appears that the continued use of the Iron Man suit is accelerating your condition. Another core has been depleted. Tony Stark: God, they're running out quick. Jarvis: I have run simulations on every known element, and none can serve as a viable replacement for the palladium core. You are running out of both time and options. Unfortunately, the device that's keeping you alive is also killing you. Miss Potts is approaching. I recommend that you inform her... Tony Stark: Mute. Pepper Potts: Is this a joke? What are you thinking? Tony Stark: What? Pepper Potts: What are you thinking? Tony Stark: Hey, I'm thinking I'm busy. And you're angry about something. Do you have the sniffles? I don't want to get sick. Pepper Potts: Did you just donate... Tony Stark: Keep your business. Pepper Potts: ...our entire modern art collection to the... Tony Stark: Boy Scouts of America. Pepper Potts: ...Boy Scouts of America? Tony Stark: Yes. It is a worthwhile organisation. I didn't physically check the crates but, basically, yes. And it's not "our" collection, it's my collection. No offence. Pepper Potts: No, you know what? I think I'm actually entitled to say "our" collection considering the time that I put in, over 10 years, curating that. Tony Stark: It was a tax write-off. I needed that. Pepper Potts: You know, there's only about 8,011 things that I really need to talk to you about. Tony Stark: Dummy. Hey, stop spacing out. The Bridgeport's already machining that part. Pepper Potts: The Expo is a gigantic waste of time. Tony Stark: I need you to wear a surgical mask until you're feeling better. Is that okay? Pepper Potts: That's rude. Tony Stark: There's nothing more important to me than the Expo. It's my primary point of concern. I don't know why you're... Pepper Potts: The Expo is your ego gone crazy. Tony Stark: Wow. Look at that. That's modern art. That's going up. Pepper Potts: You've got to be kidding. Tony Stark: I'm gonna put this up right now. This is vital. Pepper Potts: Stark is in complete disarray. You understand that? Tony Stark: No. Our stocks have never been higher. Pepper Potts: Yes, from a managerial standpoint. Tony Stark: You are... Well, if's messy then let's double back. Pepper Potts: Let me give you an example. Tony Stark: Let's move onto another subject. Pepper Potts: No, no, no, no. You are not taking down the Barnett Newman and hanging that up. Tony Stark: I'm not taking it down. I'm just replacing it with this. Let's see what I can get going on here. Pepper Potts: Okay, fine. My point is, we have already awarded contracts to the wind farm people. Tony Stark: Yeah. Don't say "wind farm." I'm already feeling gassy. Pepper Potts: And to the plastic plantation tree, which was your idea by the way. Those people are on payroll... Tony Stark: Everything was my idea. Pepper Potts: ...and you won't make a decision. Tony Stark: I don't care about the liberal agenda any more. It's boring. Boring. I'm giving you a boring alert. You do it. Pepper Potts: I do what? Tony Stark: Excellent idea. I just figured this out. You run the company. Pepper Potts: Yeah, I'm trying to run the company. Tony Stark: Pepper, I need you to run the company. Well, stop trying to do it and do it. Pepper Potts: You will not give me the information... Tony Stark: I'm not asking you to try... Pepper Potts: ...in order to... Tony Stark: I'm asking you to physically do it. I need you to do it. Pepper Potts: I am trying to do it. Tony Stark: Pepper, you're not listening to me! Pepper Potts: No, you are not listening to me. Tony Stark: I'm trying to make you CEO. Why won't you let me? Pepper Potts: Have you been drinking? Tony Stark: Chlorophyll. I hereby irrevocably appoint you chairman and CEO of Stark Industries effective immediately. Yeah, done deal. Okay? I've actually given this a fair amount of thought, believe it or not. Doing a bit of headhunting, so to speak, trying to figure out who a worthy successor would be. And then I realised it's you. It's always been you. . I thought there'd be a legal issue, but actually I'm capable of appointing my successor. My successor being you. Congratulations? Take it, just take it. Pepper Potts: I don't know what to think. Tony Stark: Don't think, drink. There you go. Pepper Potts: The notary's here! Can you please come sign the transfer paperwork? Tony Stark: I'm on happy time. Sorry. Happy Hogan: What the hell was that? Tony Stark: It's called mixed martial arts. It's been around for three weeks. Happy Hogan: It's called dirty boxing, there's nothing new about it Tony Stark: All right, put them up. Come on. Pepper Potts: I promise this is the only time I will ask you to sign over your company. Natasha Romanoff: I need you to initial each box. Happy Hogan: Lesson one. Never take your eye off... Tony Stark: That's it. I'm done. What's your name, lady? Natasha Romanoff: Rushman. Natalie Rushman Tony Stark: Front and centre. Come into the church. Pepper Potts: No. You're seriously not gonna ask... Tony Stark: If it pleases the court, which it does. Natasha Romanoff: It's no problem. Pepper Potts: I'm sorry. He's very eccentric. Tony Stark: Can you give her a lesson? Happy Hogan: No problem. Tony Stark: Pepper. Pepper Potts: What? Tony Stark: Who is she? Pepper Potts: She is from legal. And she is potentially a very expensive sexual harassment lawsuit if you keep ogling her like that. Tony Stark: I need a new assistant, boss. Pepper Potts: Yes, and I've got three excellent potential candidates. They're lined up and ready to meet you. Tony Stark: I don't have time to meet. I need someone now. I feel like it's her. Pepper Potts: No, it's not. Happy Hogan: You ever boxed before? Natasha Romanoff: I have, yes. Happy Hogan: What, like, the Tae Bo? Booty Boot Camp? Crunch? Something like that? Tony Stark: How do I spell your name, Natalie? Natasha Romanoff: R-U-S-H-M-A-N. Pepper Potts: What, are you gonna google her now? Tony Stark: I thought I was ogling her. Wow. Very, very impressive individual. Pepper Potts: You're so predictable, you know that? Tony Stark: She's fluent in French, Italian, Russian, Latin. Who speaks Latin? Pepper Potts: No one speaks Latin. Tony Stark: No one speaks Latin Pepper Potts: It's a dead language. You can read Latin or you can write Latin, but you can't speak Latin. Tony Stark: Did you model in Tokyo? 'Cause she modelled in Tokyo. Pepper Potts: Well... Tony Stark: I need her. She's got everything that I need. Happy Hogan: Rule number one, never take your eyes off your opponent. Pepper Potts: Oh, my God! Happy. Tony Stark: That's what I'm talking about. Happy Hogan: I just slipped. Tony Stark: You did? Happy Hogan: Yeah. Tony Stark: Looks like a TKO to me. Natasha Romanoff: Just... I need your impression. Tony Stark: You have a quiet reserve. I don't know, you have an old soul. Natasha Romanoff: I meant your fingerprint. Tony Stark: Right. Pepper Potts: So, how are we doing? Tony Stark: Great. Just wrapping up here. Hey. You're the boss. Natasha Romanoff: Will that be all, Mr Stark? Tony Stark: No. Pepper Potts: Yes, that will be all, Ms Rushman. Thank you very much. Tony Stark: I want one. Pepper Potts: No. Tony Stark: You know, it's Europe. Whatever happens the next 20 minutes, just go with it. Pepper Potts: Go with it? Go with what? Natasha Romanoff: Mr Stark? Tony Stark: Hey. Natasha Romanoff: Hello. How was your flight? Tony Stark: It was excellent. Boy, it's nice to see you. Natasha Romanoff: We have one photographer from the ACM, if you don't mind. Okay? Pepper Potts: When did this happen? Tony Stark: What? You made me do it. Pepper Potts: I made you do what? Tony Stark: You quit. Smile. Look, right there. Stop acting constipated. Don't flare your nostrils. Pepper Potts: You are so predictable. Tony Stark: That's the amazing thing. Natasha Romanoff: Right this way. Tony Stark: You look fantastic. Natasha Romanoff: Why, thank you very much. Tony Stark: But that's unprofessional. What's on the docket? Natasha Romanoff: You have a 9:30 dinner. Tony Stark: Perfect. I'll be there at 11:00. Natasha Romanoff: Absolutely. Tony Stark: Is this us? Natasha Romanoff: It can be. Tony Stark: Great. Make it us. Natasha Romanoff: Okay. Pepper Potts: Mr Musk. How are you? Elon Musk: Hi, Pepper. Congratulations on the promotion. Pepper Potts: Thank you very much. Tony Stark: Elon, how's it going. Those Merlin engines are fantastic. Elon Musk: Thank you. Yeah, I've got an idea for an electric jet. Tony Stark: You do? Elon Musk: Yeah. Tony Stark: Then we'll make it work. You want a massage? Pepper Potts: Oh, God. No. I don't want a massage. Tony Stark: I'll have Natalie make an... Pepper Potts: I don't want Natalie to do... Tony Stark: Don't want you tense. By the way, I didn't mean to spring this on you. Pepper Potts: Thank you very much. Tony Stark: Green is not your best colour. Pepper Potts: Oh, please. Justin Hammer: Anthony. Is that you? Tony Stark: My least favourite person on Earth. Justin Hammer: Hey, pal. Tony Stark: Justin Hammer. Justin Hammer: How you doing? You're not the only rich guy here with a fancy car. You know Christine Everhart from Vanity Fair. You guys know each other? Christine Everhart: Hi. Yes. Pepper Potts: Yes. Tony Stark: Yes, roughly. Pepper Potts: We do. Justin Hammer: BTW, big story. The new CEO of Stark Industries. Christine Everhart: I know, I know. Justin Hammer: Congratulations. Christine Everhart: My editor will kill me if I don't grab a quote for our Powerful Women issue. Pepper Potts: Oh. Christine Everhart: Can I? Pepper Potts: Sure. Justin Hammer: She's actually doing a big spread on me for Vanity Fair. I thought I'd throw her a bone, you know. Right? Pepper Potts: Right. Well, she did quite a spread on Tony last year. Tony Stark: And she wrote a story as well. Pepper Potts: It was very impressive. Tony Stark: That was good. Pepper Potts: It was very well done. Christine Everhart: Thank you. Pepper Potts: I'm gonna go wash. Tony Stark: Don't leave me. Justin Hammer: Hey, buddy. How you doing? Tony Stark: I'm all right. Justin Hammer: Looking gorgeous. Tony Stark: Please, this is tough. Christine Everhart: Can I ask you... Is this the first time... Justin Hammer: Fromage Say "Brie". Christine Everhart: ...that you guys have seen each other? Tony Stark: God, that's so awful. Christine Everhart: Listen, is it the first time you've seen each other since the Senate? Tony Stark: Since he got his contract revoked... Justin Hammer: Actually, it's on hold. Tony Stark: ...when you were attempting to...That's not what I heard. What's the difference between "hold and "cancelled"? The truth? Christine Everhart: Yes, what is it? Justin Hammer: No. The truth is... Why don't we put that away? The truth is, I'm actually hoping to present something at your Expo. Tony Stark: Well, if you invent something that works, I'll make sure I get you a slot. Natasha Romanoff: Mr Stark? Tony Stark: Yes? Natasha Romanoff: Your corner table is ready. Justin Hammer: I actually have a slot this year. Yes, I do. Tony Stark: Hammer needs a slot, Christine. Justin Hammer: We kid, yeah. We kid. We're kidders. Tony Stark: Got any other bad ideas? Justin Hammer: Tony and I... Tony... I love Tony Stark. Tony loves me. We're not competitors. Him being out of the picture created tremendous opportunities for Hammer Industries, you know? Everything that Tony and I do... Tony Stark: Well, what's the use of having... Justin Hammer: ...is a healthy... Tony Stark: ...and owning a race car... Justin Hammer: ...competition. Tony Stark: ...if you don't drive it? Justin Hammer: Is he driving? Pepper Potts: Natalie. Natalie! Natasha Romanoff: Yes, Ms Potts? Pepper Potts: What do you know about this? Natasha Romanoff: This is the first that I have known of it. Pepper Potts: This, this cannot happen. Natasha Romanoff: Absolutely. I understand. How can I help you? Pepper Potts: Where's Happy? Natasha Romanoff: He's waiting outside. Pepper Potts: Okay, get him. I need Happy. Natasha Romanoff: Right away. Justin Hammer: Tony's... You know, he... We're not competitive. You know what I mean? Christine Everhart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, can you excuse me just one second? Justin Hammer: Just read me what you wrote. Christine Everhart: I will. I will, after. Justin Hammer: Just read it back to me. Christine Everhart: But I have to make one quick phone call. Justin Hammer: Where are you going? Christine Everhart: This is great. Justin Hammer: I've got some caviar coming. Christine Everhart: This is great stuff. I'll be right back. Someone In Background: Look! That's Stark. Pepper Potts: Go, go. Happy Hogan: Hang on. Pepper Potts: Give me the case. Happy Hogan: Here, take it. Pepper Potts: Where's the key? Happy Hogan: It's in my pocket. Pepper Potts: Car! Tony Stark: Are you okay? Happy Hogan: Yeah. Tony Stark: Were you heading from me or him? Happy Hogan: I was trying to scare him. Tony Stark: 'Cause I can't tell! Pepper Potts: Are you out of your mind? Tony Stark: Better security. Pepper Potts: Get in the car right now! Tony Stark: I was attacked. We need better security. Happy Hogan: Get in the car. Tony Stark: You're CEO. Better security measures. God, it's embarrassing. First vacation in two years. Pepper Potts: Oh my God! Happy Hogan: I got him! Tony Stark: Hit him again. Hit him again. Football. Happy Hogan: I got him. Pepper Potts: Take the case! Take it! Tony Stark: Give him the case! Pepper Potts: Stop banging the car! Tony Stark: Calm down. Pepper Potts: God. God. Tony Stark: Give me the case! Please! Come on! Ivan Vanko: You... You lose. You lose Stark. Police Officer: We ran his prints. We got nothing back, not even a name. Tony Stark: Where are we going? Police Officer: Over there. We're not even sure he speaks English. He hasn't said a word since he got here. Tony Stark: Five minutes. Police Officer: Five minutes. Tony Stark: Pretty decent tech. Cycles per second were a little low. You could have doubled up your rotations. You focused the repulsor energy through ionised plasma channels. It's effective. Not very efficient. But it's a passable knock-off. I don't get it. A little fine tuning you could have made a solid pay check. You could have sold it to North Korea, China, Iran, or gone onto the black market. You look like you got friends in low places. Ivan Vanko: You come from a family of thieves and butchers. And now, like all guilty men, you try to rewrite your own history. And you forget all the lives the Stark family has destroyed. Tony Stark: Speaking of thieves, where did you get this design? Ivan Vanko: My father. Anton Vanko. Tony Stark: Well, I never heard of him. Ivan Vanko: My father is the reason you're alive. Tony Stark: The reason I'm alive is 'cause you had a shot, you took it, you missed. Ivan Vanko: Did I? If you can make God bleed, the people will cease to believe in him. And there will be blood in the water. And the sharks will come. The truth, all I have to do is sit here and watch as the world will consume you. Tony Stark: Where will you be watching the world consume me from? That's right. A prison cell. I'll send you a bar of soap. Ivan Vanko: Hey, Tony. Before you go, palladium in the chest, painful way to die. Senator Stern: It's just unbelievable. It proves that the genie is out of the bottle and this man has no idea what he's doing. He thinks of the Iron Man weapon as a toy. I was at a hearing where Mr Stark, in fact, was adamant that these suits can't exist anywhere else, don't exist anywhere else, never will exist anywhere else, at least for five to ten years, and here we are in Monaco realising, "These suits exist now." Tony Stark: Mute. He should be giving me a medal. That's the truth. Pepper Potts: What is that? Tony Stark: This is your in-flight meal. Pepper Potts: Did you just make that? Tony Stark: Yeah. Where do you think I've been for three hours? Pepper Potts: Tony, what are you not telling me? Tony Stark: I don't want to go home. At all. Let's cancel my birthday party and... We're in Europe. Let's go to Venice, Cipriani. Remember? Pepper Potts: Oh, yes. Tony Stark: It's a great place to be healthy. Pepper Potts: I don't think this is the right time. We're in kind of a mess. Tony Stark: Yeah, but maybe that's why it's the best time. 'Cause then we can... Pepper Potts: Well, I think as the CEO I need to show up. Tony Stark: As CEO, you are entitled to a leave. Pepper Potts: A leave? Tony Stark: A company retreat. Pepper Potts: A retreat? During a time like this? Tony Stark: Just a ride. Well, I'm just saying, to recharge our batteries and figure it all out. Pepper Potts: Not everybody runs on batteries Tony. Justin Hammer: Hey. There he is. There he is. What an absolute pleasure. Welcome. Oh goodness gracious. Can we get the handcuffs off my friend here? Forgive me, I'm sorry. I'm such a huge fan of yours. I didn't want to make a first impression like this. He's not an animal. Come on. He's a human being. Thank you. We're fine. My name is Justin Hammer. I'd like to do some business with you. Please sit. Dig in. What do we have today Jack? Jack: We have some salmon carpaccio. Justin Hammer: Salmon carpaccio. Anything you want here, we got it. I like my dessert first. I had this flown in from San Francisco. It's Italian though. Organic ice cream. I got a sweet tooth. Apparently you do too, for Tony Stark. What I saw you do to Tony Stark on that track, how you stepped up to him in front of God and everybody that was... Wow. You spoke to me with what you did. And I know that you knew that I'd be listening. This is why I couldn't bear to have you shipped off to God knows where. It would have been such a waste of talent. But if I might make a suggestion, you know, you don't just go and try to kill the guy. I think, if I may, you go after his legacy. That's what you kill. You and me, we are a lot alike in a lot of ways. The only difference between you and I is that I have resources. I think, if I may, you need my resources. Someone behind you, a benefactor. I'd like to be that guy. Okay. Do you speak English? Because I can get a translator. I don't know. Have you been understanding everything I'm saying? Ivan Vanko: Very good, man. Justin Hammer: Very good, man. Ivan Vanko: Very good, man. Justin Hammer: Hey! Ivan Vanko: Hey. Justin Hammer: Yes? Ivan Vanko: I want my bird. Justin Hammer: A bird? You want a bird? Ivan Vanko: I want my bird. Justin Hammer: I can get you a bird. I can get you ten birds. Ivan Vanko: I want my bird. Justin Hammer: Well, okay. Nothing's impossible. I could... Are we talking about... Is this a bird back in Russia? Pepper Potts: Yes, but the fundamentals of the company are still very, very strong despite the events in Monaco. Natasha Romanoff: Yes, of course. The AP wants a quote. Pepper Potts: Don't tell them. Fax them... James Rhodes: Where is he? Natasha Romanoff: He doesn't want to be disturbed. Pepper Potts: He's downstairs. News Reader: But what happened in Monaco? Pepper Potts: Yes, but.... News Reader: But his continuing erratic behaviour may lead many people to ask themselves, "Can this man still protect us?" Pepper Potts: Iron Man never stopped protecting us. The events in Monaco proved that. Jarvis: Query complete sir. Anton Vanko was a Soviet physicist who defected to the United States in 1963.However, he was accused of espionage and was deported in 1967. His son, Ivan, who is also a physicist, was convicted of selling Soviet-era weapons grade plutonium to Pakistan, and served 15 years in Kopeisk prison. No further records exist. James Rhodes: Tony, you gotta get upstairs and get on top of this situation right now. Listen. I've been on the phone with the National Guard all day, trying to talk them out of rolling tanks up the PCH, knocking down your front door and taking these. They're gonna take your suits, Tony, okay? They're sick of the games. You said nobody else would possess this technology for 20 years. Well, guess what? Somebody else had it yesterday. It's not theoretical anymore. Are you listening to me? Are you okay? Tony Stark: Let's go. James Rhodes: Hey, man. Hey, hey! You all right? Tony Stark: Yeah, I should get to my desk. See that cigar box? James Rhodes: Yeah. Tony Stark: It's palladium. James Rhodes: Is that supposed to be smoking? Tony Stark: If you must know, it's neutron damage. It's from the reactor wall. James Rhodes: You had this in your body? And how about the high-tech crossword puzzle on your neck? Tony Stark: Road rash. Thank you. What are you looking at? James Rhodes: I'm looking at you. You wanna do this whole lone gunslinger act and it's unnecessary. You don't have to do this alone. Tony Stark: You know, I wish I could believe that. I really do. But you've gotta trust me. Contrary to popular belief, I know exactly what I'm doing. Justin Hammer: This is where we do it. This is my humble abode. You can work in absolute peace. Must be fun to be dead, right? No pressure. Here they are. I'm very excited. They're combat-ready. I may have done a few miscalculations and rushed the prototype into production. Sue me, I'm enthusiastic. Go ahead, take a look around. You don't wanna do that. You'll be able to access that as soon as we generate some encrypted pass codes. Can we generate some encrypted pass codes? Get some of those encrypted pass codes, Jack. Never mind, I... Wow. Okay. Good stuff. Ivan Vanko: unintelligible Justin Hammer: Sorry? Ivan Vanko: Software shit. Justin Hammer: Well... You're good. You really blasted in past the firewall there. Let me show you where you're gonna be working primarily. Go ahead, take a look. Get a good look at that. That's something, isn't it? You know, those are really just for show and tell. They're $125.7 million a pop, so... Wait! Oh gosh. Jesus Christ. Get somebody up here. That's where the pilot goes. I'm having a tough time finding volunteers. I'll take care of that, just leave it. Ivan Vanko: What you want them do? Justin Hammer: Well, long term, I want them to put me in the Pentagon for the next 25 years. I want to make Iron Man look like an antique. I wanna go to that Stark Expo, I wanna take a dump in Tony Stark's front yard. You know what I'm talking about? Ivan Vanko: I can do that. No problem. Justin Hammer: Yeah? Hey, fabulous! I love it. Hey, this is our guy. Didn't I tell you? I had a feeling. Natasha Romanoff: Do you know which watch you'd like to wear tonight, Mr Stark? Tony Stark: I'll give them a look. I should cancel the party. Natasha Romanoff: Probably. Tony Stark: Yeah. 'Cause it's... Natasha Romanoff: Ill-timed. Tony Stark: Right, sends the wrong message. Natasha Romanoff: Inappropriate. Is that dirty enough for you? Tony Stark: Gold face, brown hand. The Jaeger. I'll give that a look. Bring them over. I'll take that. Why don't you... I gotta say it. It's hard to get a read on you. Where are you from? Natasha Romanoff: Legal. Tony Stark: Can I ask you a question, hypothetically? Bit odd. If this was your last birthday party you were ever gonna have, how would you celebrate it? Natasha Romanoff: I'd do whatever I wanted to do with whoever I wanted to do it with. Person: Good evening Good evening James Rhodes: Yes, sir, I understand. No. No, sir, that will not be necessary. I'll handle it. Sir, I personally guarantee that within 24 hours, Iron Man will be back on watch. Hey Pepper. Pepper Potts: I'm going to get some air. James Rhodes: What's wrong? Pepper Potts: I don't know what to do. James Rhodes: You gotta be kidding me. That's it, I'm making.... Pepper Potts: No, no, no. Don't call anyone. James Rhodes: Pepper. This is ridiculous. I just stuck my neck out for this guy. Pepper Potts: I know. I know. I get it. I'm gonna handle it, okay Just let me handle it. James Rhodes: Handle it. Or I'm gonna have to. Tony Stark: You know, the question I get asked most often is, "Tony, how do you go to the bathroom in the suit?" Just like that. Pepper Potts: Does this guy know how to throw a party or what? Tony Stark: I love you. Pepper Potts: Unbelievable! Thank you so much. Tony, we all thank you so much for such a wonderful night. And we're gonna say good night now, and thank you all for coming. Tony Stark: No, no, no, we can't ... Wait, wait, wait. We didn't have the cake. We didn't blow out the candles. Pepper Potts: You're out of control, okay? Trust me on this, okay? Tony Stark: You're out of control gorgeous. Pepper Potts: It's time to go to bed. It's time. Tony Stark: Give me another smooch Pepper Potts: You're not going to be happy about this. Tony Stark: Come on, you know you want to. Pepper Potts: You just peed in the suit. Tony Stark: I know. It has a filtration system. Pepper Potts: It's not sexy. Tony Stark: You could drink that water. Pepper Potts: Just send everybody home, okay? It's time to... Tony Stark: If you say so. Pepper Potts: Okay. I'll take this, you take that Tony Stark: Pepper Potts. She's right. The party's over. Then again, the party was over for me, like, an hour and a half ago. The after-party starts in 15 minutes. And if anybody, Pepper, doesn't like it, there's the door. Yeah! Hit! Pull! I think she wants the Gallagher! James Rhodes: I'm only gonna say this once. Get out. You don't deserve to wear one of these. Shut it down! Tony Stark: Goldstein. Goldstein: Yes, Mr Stark? Tony Stark: Give me a phat beat to beat my buddy's ass to. James Rhodes: I told you to shut it down. Tony Stark: Now, put that thing back where you found it before someone gets hurt. Really? Sorry, pal, but Iron Man doesn't have a sidekick. James Rhodes: Sidekick this. Had enough? Pepper Potts: Natalie! Natasha Romanoff: Miss Potts. Pepper Potts: Don't you "Miss Potts" me! I'm on to you. You know what? Ever since you came here... Happy Hogan: Pepper! Get out of here. Get out of here now. Tony Stark: You want it? Take it! James Rhodes: Put you hand down. Tony Stark: You think you got what it takes to wear that suit? James Rhodes: We don't have to do this, Tony. Tony Stark: You wanna be the War Machine, take your shot. James Rhodes: Put it down! Tony Stark: You gonna take a shot? James Rhodes: Put it down! Tony Stark: No! James Rhodes: Drop it Tony! Tony Stark: Take it! James Rhodes: Edwards Tower, this is Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes, inbound from three miles east at 5,000 feet... Major Allen: Colonel. James Rhodes: Major. Major Allen: Wow. James Rhodes: Yeah. Let's take it inside. Major Allen: Clear the area. Nick Fury: Sir! I'm gonna have to ask you to exit the doughnut. Tony Stark: I told you I don't wanna join your super-secret boy band. Nick Fury: No, no, no. See, I remember, you do everything yourself. How's that working out for you? Tony Stark: It's... It's... It's... I'm sorry. I don't wanna get off on the wrong foot. Do I look at the patch or the eye? Honestly I'm a bit hung over. I'm not sure if you're real of if I'm having... Nick Fury: I am very real. I'm the realest person you're ever gonna meet. Tony Stark: Just my luck. Where's the staff here? Nick Fury: That's not looking so good. Tony Stark: I've been worse. Shield Agent: We've secured the perimeter but I don't think we should hold it for too much longer. Tony Stark: You're fired. Natasha Romanoff: That's not up to you. Nick Fury: Tony, I want you to meet Agent Romanoff. Tony Stark: Hi. Natasha Romanoff: I'm a SHIELD shadow. Once we knew you were ill, I was tasked to you by Director Fury. Tony Stark: I suggest you apologise. Nick Fury: You've been very busy. You made your girl your CEO, you're giving away all your stuff. You let your friend fly away with your suit. Now, if I didn't know better... Tony Stark: You don't know better. I didn't give it to him. He took it. Nick Fury: Whoa, whoa, whoa. He took it? You're Iron Man and he just took it? The little brother walked in there, kicked your ass and took your suit? Is that possible? Natasha Romanoff: Well, according to Mr Stark's database security guidelines, there are redundancies to prevent unauthorised usage. Tony Stark: What do you want from me? Nick Fury: What do we want from you? What do you want from me? You have become a problem, a problem I have to deal with. Contrary to your belief, you are not the centre of my universe. I have bigger problems than you in the southwest region to deal with. Hit him. Tony Stark: Oh, God, are gonna steal my kidney and sell it? Could you please not do anything awful for five seconds? What did she just do to me? Nick Fury: What did we just do for you? That's lithium dioxide. It's gonna take the edge off. We're trying to get you back to work. Tony Stark: Give me a couple of boxes of that. I'll be right as rain. Natasha Romanoff: It's not a cure, it just abates the symptoms. Nick Fury: Doesn't look like it's gonna be an easy fix. Tony Stark: Trust me, I know. I'm good at this stuff. I've been looking for a suitable replacement for palladium. I've tried every combination, every permutation of every known element. Nick Fury: Well, I'm here to tell you, you haven't tried them all. Justin Hammer: Hey, hey, het. Special delivery. Candygram. I brought you something. Oh yeah. We got you the bird, pal. Ivan Vanko: This is not my bird. Justin Hammer: What do you mean? That's the bird. This is the bird. Yeah, pulled a lot of strings to get this bird. This is a great bird. Jack: It's a beautiful bird. Justin Hammer: We got this bird all the way from Russia. Ivan Vanko: Hey, man, this is not my bird. Justin Hammer: Well, listen, even if it's not the bird, I mean, this is a gorgeous bird. I mean, you know, look, don't get so attached to things. Learn to let go. Wait a minute. Jack, what is that? Is that... That's not a helmet. What is that? Ivan... What's this? Jack. Is that a helmet? It doesn't look like a helmet to me. How... How are you supposed to get a head in there? Jack, could you put your head in there? Jack: No. Justin Hammer: Try to put your head in there. Go ahead. Try to put your head in there. See, Ivan? He can't put his head in there. That's... That's not a helmet. It's a head. I need to put a guy in there. I need to fit a person in that suit. You understand? Ivan Vanko: Drone better. Justin Hammer: What? Drone better? Why is drone better? Why is drone better? Ivan Vanko: People make problem. Trust me. Drone better. Justin Hammer: Ivan, you know, I like you. I got you the bird. You said, "No problem." That's what you said to me. You said, "No problem." Now I need suits. The government wants suits. Like Iron Man. You understand? That's what the people want. That's what's gonna make them happy. Ivan Vanko: Hey, man. Don't get too attached to things. Learn to let go. Justin Hammer: These drones better steal the show, Ivan. You understand? Better rock my world, Ivan. General: Unbelievable. This ought to get the Senate off my ass. It's functional? James Rhodes: Fully mission-capable. General: Good. Get Hammer down here to weaponise it. James Rhodes: Sir? General: Justin Hammer's making a weapons presentation at the Expo. We'd like this to introduce it. James Rhodes: Sir, I don't believe that the Expo... General: Colonel, the world needs to see this fast. We've got to make this happen. James Rhodes: Yes, General, but... General: It's also an order. James Rhodes: Yes sir. General: Good work, Colonel. You've made your country proud. James Rhodes: Thank you sir. Nick Fury: That thing in your chest is based on unfinished technology. Tony Stark: No, it was finished. It has never been particularly effective until I miniaturised it and put it in my... Nick Fury: No. Howard said the arc reactor was the stepping stone to something greater. He was about to kick off an energy race that was gonna dwarf the arms race. He was on to something big, something so big that it was gonna make the nuclear reactor look like a triple-A battery. Tony Stark: Just him, or Anton Vanko in on this too? Nick Fury: Anton Vanko is the other side of that coin. Anton saw it as a way to get rich. When your father found out, he had him deported. When the Russians found out he couldn't deliver they shipped his ass off to Siberia and he spent the next 20 years in a vodka-fuelled rage. Not quite the environment you want to raise a kid in, the son you had the misfortune of crossing paths with in Monaco. Tony Stark: You told me I hadn't tried everything. What do you mean I haven't tried everything? What haven't I tried? Nick Fury: He said that you were the only person with the means and knowledge to finish what he started. Tony Stark: He said that? Nick Fury: Are you that guy? Are you? 'Cause if you are, then you can solve the riddle of your heart. Tony Stark: I don't know where you get your information, but he wasn't my biggest fan. Nick Fury: What do you remember about your dad? Tony Stark: He was cold, he was calculating. He never told me he loved me. He never even told me he liked me, so it's a little tough for me to digest when you're telling me he said the whole future was riding on me and he's passing it down. I don't get that. You're talking about a guy who's happiest day was when he shipped me off to boarding school. Nick Fury: That's not true. Tony Stark: Well, then, clearly you knew my dad better than I did. Nick Fury: As a matter of fact, I did. He was one of the founding members of SHIELD. Tony Stark: What? Nick Fury: I got a two o'clock Tony Stark: Wait, wait, wait, wait. What's this? Nick Fury: Okay, you're good, right? Tony Stark: No, I'm not good. Nick Fury: You got this? Right? Right? Tony Stark: Got what? I don't even know what I'm supposed to get. Nick Fury: Natasha will remain a floater at Stark with her cover intact. You remember Agent Coulson, right? Tony Stark: Yeah. Nick Fury: And Tony, remember, I got my eye on you. Natasha Romanoff: We've disabled all communications. No contact with the outside world. Good luck. Tony Stark: Please. First thing, I need a little bodywork. I'll put in a little time at the lab. If we could send one of your goon squad down to The Coffee Bean, Cross Creek, for a Starbucks run, or something like that, that'd be nice. Phil Coulson: I'm not here for that. I've been authorised by Director Fury to use any means necessary to keep you on premises. If you attempt to leave or play any games, I will tase you and watch Supernanny while you drool into the carpet. Okay? Tony Stark: I think I got it, yeah. Phil Coulson: Enjoy your evening's entertainment. Major Allen: Think this is the power source? James Rhodes: Major, this is not a scientific exercise. Let's just focus on arming it, all right? Major Allen: Yes, sir. Justin Hammer: Oh, yes! Oh, yes, yes, yes. Is it my birthday? You got it. What did you do? What did you do? Is this what I think it is? James Rhodes: Yes it is. Hammer, I want to know what you're gonna do for us. Justin Hammer: What am I going to do for you? Well, the first thing I'm gonna do for you is I'm gonna upgrade your software. And then, second, I think I should... James Rhodes: That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about firepower. Justin Hammer: Well, you're talking to the right guy. Claridge Hi-Tec, semi-automatic, 9mm pistol. Too downtown? I agree. M24 shotgun, pump action. Five-round magazine. You know what? You're not a hunter. What am I talking about? I'm getting rid of it. This is the FN-2000 from Belgium. They do make something better than waffles. It's beautiful, But I can tell this isn't disco enough for you, so I'm gonna put it right here. You're looking at a Milkor 40mm grenade launcher. Tear gas, smoke. Hippie control. You're tough. Let me tell you something. Size does matter. Don't let anyone tell you different. This is an M134 7.62 Minigun. Six invidual barrels. The torso taker, powder maker. Our boys in uniform call in Uncle Gazpacho or Puff the Magic Dragon. Okay. These are the Cubans, baby. This is the Cohibas, the Montecristos. This is a kinetic-kill, side-winder vehicle with a secondary cyclotrimethlyenetrinitamine RDX burst. It's capable of busting the bunker under the bunker you just busted. If it were any smarter, it would write a book. A book that would make Ulysses look like it was written in crayon. It would read it to you. This is my Eiffel Tower. This is my Rachmaninoff's Third. My Pieta. It's completely elegant. It's bafflingly beautiful. And it's capable of reducing the population of any standing structure to zero. I call it the Ex-Wife. That's the best I got. Are we gonna do this? Give me something here. You're like a sphinx. I can't read you. James Rhodes: I think I'll take it. Justin Hammer: Which one? James Rhodes: All of it. Justin Hammer: All of it. Howard Stark: Everything is achievable through technology. Better living, robust heath, and for the first time in human history, the possibility of world peace. I'm Howard Stark, and everything you'll need for the future can be found right here. City of the Future? City of Tomorrow? City of... I'm Howard Stark and everything you'll need in the future can be found right here. So, from all of us at Stark Industries, I would like to personally... Tony, what are you doing back there? What is that? Put that back. Put it back where you got it from. Where's your mother? Maria? Go on. Go, go, go, go. Man: All right, I think we got... Howard Stark: I'll... I'll... I'll come in and... Man: Are you waiting on me? Howard Stark: So, from all of us at Stark Industries, I'd like to personally show you my ass. I'd like to... I can't... This is... I can't... We have this, don't we? This is a ridiculous way... Everything is achievable through technology. Tony. You're too young to understand this right now, so I thought I would put it on film for you. I built this for you. And someday you'll realise that it represents a whole lot more than just people's inventions. It represents my life's work. This is the key to the future. I'm limited by the technology of my time, but one day you'll figure this out. And when you do, you will change the world. What is and always will be my greatest creation is you. Tony Stark: How much? Strawberry Man: $6. Six. Tony Stark: I don't have any dough. Here. Strawberry Man: No, sir, that's too much. Tony Stark: No, it's fine. Take that. It's fine Strawberry Man: No, señor. Tony Stark: Take it. Take it. I don't like people handing me things. If you just drop that there, that'd be great. Strawberry Man: Are you Iron Man? Tony Stark: Sometimes. Strawberry Man: We believe in you! Pepper Potts: It was an illegal seizure of trademark property. Pa: Miss Potts? Tony Stark: Relax. Pa: Mr Stark... Tony Stark: Is here. Pa: He refuses... Tony Stark: I don't. It's fine. I'll just be a second. Pepper Potts: Listen, it's our position that Stark has and continues to maintain propriety ownership of the Mark II platform. News Reporter: When Mr Stark announced he was indeed Iron Man, he was making a promise to America. Pepper Potts: No, the suit belongs to us. News Reporter: We trusted that he would look out for us. Pepper Potts: Yeah, but you're not... News Reporter: He obviously did not. Pepper Potts: Burt... News Reporter: And now we learn that his secretary... Pepper Potts: Yes, it does. News Reporter: ...a woman named Virginia "Pepper" Potts, has been appointed as CEO of Stark Industries. What are her qualifications? Pepper Potts: No. News Reporter: Miss Potts has done nothing to manage this terrible... Tony Stark: Mute. Pepper Potts: No... Burt... Burt... Burt, listen to me. Don't tell me that we have the best patent lawyers in the country and then not let me pursue this. Tony Stark: I'll get this stuff out of here. Pepper Potts: Well, then, tell the President to sign an order. We'll talk about it at the Expo. Hammer's giving some presentation tomorrow evening. Will Tony Stark be there? Tony Stark: Will I? Pepper Potts: No, he will not. Bye. Tony Stark: I would like to be. Got a minute? Pepper Potts: No. Tony Stark: Come on, you just got off the phone. You're fine. 30 seconds. Pepper Potts: Twenty-nine Twenty-eight. Tony Stark: I was just driving over here, and I thought I was coming to basically apologise, but I'm not. Pepper Potts: You didn't come here to apologise? Tony Stark: Look, that goes without saying, and I'm working on that. But I haven't been entirely upfront with you, and I just want to try to make good. Can I move this? This is crazy. It's like a Ferris wheel, going. I'm trying to get some... Pepper Potts: No. Tony Stark: Do you know how short life is? And if I never got to express... And by the way, this is somewhat revelatory to me. And I don't care... I mean, I care. It would be nice. I'm not expecting you to... Look, here's what I'm trying to say. I'm just gonna say it. Pepper Potts: Let me stop you right here, okay? Because if you say "I" one more time, I'm gonna actually hurl something at your head, I think. I am trying to run a company. Do you have any idea what that entails? Tony Stark: Yes. Pepper Potts: People are relying on you to be Iron Man and you've disappeared, and all I'm doing is putting out your fires and taking the heat of it. I am trying to do the job that you were meant to do. Did you bring me strawberries? Did you know that there's only one thing on Earth that I'm allergic to? Tony Stark: Allergic to strawberries. This is progress Pepper. I knew there was a correlation between you and this. Pepper Potts: I need you... Tony Stark: I need you too. Pepper Potts: ...to leave now Tony Stark: That's what I'm trying to... Natasha Romanoff: Ms Potts? Pepper Potts: Hi, come on in. Natasha Romanoff: Wheels up in 25 minutes. Pepper Potts: Thank you. Happy Hogan: Anything else, boss? Tony Stark: I'm good, Hap. Pepper Potts: No, I'll be just another minute. Tony Stark: I lost both the kids in the divorce. Are you blending in well here, Natalie? Here are Stark Enterprises? Your name is Natalie, isn't it? I thought you two didn't get along? Pepper Potts: No. That's not so. Tony Stark: It's just me you don't care for. No? Nothing? Pepper Potts: Actually, while you're here maybe you and Natalie could discuss the matter of the personal belongings. Natasha Romanoff: Absolutely. I'm surprised you can keep your mouth shut. Tony Stark: Boy, you're good. You are mind-blowingly duplicitous. How do you do it? You just tear things... You're a triple imposter. I've never seen anything like you. Is there anything real about you? Do you even speak Latin? Which means? Wait. What? What did you just say? Natasha Romanoff: It means you can either drive yourself home or I can have you collected. Tony Stark: You're good. Jarvis, could you kindly Vac-U-Form a digital wire frame? I need a manipulatable projection. Jarvis: 1974 Stark Expo model scan complete, sir. Tony Stark: How many buildings are there? Jarvis: Am I to include the Belgium waffle stands? Tony Stark: That was rhetorical. Just show me. What does that look like to you Jarvis? Not unlike an atom. In which case the nucleus would be here. Highlight the unisphere. Lose the footpaths. Get rid of them. Jarvis: What is it you're trying to achieve, sir? Tony Stark: I'm discovering... Correction. I'm rediscovering a new element, I believe. Lose the landscaping, the shrubbery, the trees. Parking lots, exits, entrances. Structure the protons and the neutrons using the pavilions as a framework. Dad. Dead for almost 20 years, and still taking me to school. Jarvis: The proposed element should serve as a viable replacement for palladium. Tony Stark: Thank Dad. Jarvis: Unfortunately, it is impossible to synthesise. Tony Stark: Get ready for a major remodel, fellas. We're back in hardware mode. Phil Coulson: I heard you broke the perimeter. Tony Stark: Yeah. That was, like, three years ago. Where have you been? Phil Coulson: I was doing some stuff. Tony Stark: Yeah, well, me too and it worked. Hey, I'm playing for the home team Coulson, you and all your Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers. Now, are you gonna let me work or break my balls? Phil Coulson: What's this doing here? Tony Stark: That's it. Bring that to me. Phil Coulson: You know what this is? Tony Stark: It's exactly what I need to make this work. Lift the coil. Go, go. Put your knees into it. There you go. And... Drop it. Drop it. Perfectly level. I'm busy. What do you want? Phil Coulson: Nothing. Goodbye. I've been reassigned. Director Fury wants me in New Mexico. Tony Stark: Fantastic. Land of Enchantment. Phil Coulson: So I'm told. Tony Stark: Secret stuff? Phil Coulson: Something like that. Good luck. Tony Stark: Bye. Thanks. Phil Coulson: We need you. Tony Stark: Yeah, more than you know. Phil Coulson: Not that much. Jarvis: Initialising prismatic accelerator. Approaching maximum power. Tony Stark: That was easy. Jarvis: Congratulations sir. You have created a new element. Sir, the reactor has accepted the modified core. I will begin running diagnostics. Justin Hammer: Hey Ivan. I got Senator Stern here. Thought we'd swing over and look at some of the drone designs. Ivan Vanko: The drone is not going to be ready. Justin Hammer: Not ready? What do you mean? Ivan Vanko: I can make presentation, not demonstration. Justin Hammer: What the hell is the difference? Ivan Vanko: Presentation. No fly. No shoot. Justin Hammer: Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. What can you make them do? I mean, this is a weapons demonstration. Ivan Vanko: I can make salute. Justin Hammer: You can make salute? What do you mean "make salute"? What the hell does that mean Ivan? This is not what we agreed to, okay? You promised me suits and then you promised me drones. Ivan Vanko: Hey, man, everything will be okay. Justin Hammer: This is not what I wanted. Hey, there he is. It's the bird man. Now you like the bird. Is that right? Is that your bird? I'm confused. You said it wasn't, but now it looks like you're the best of pals. You love that bird, don't you? You know what? Take the bird. Ivan Vanko: Hey! Justin Hammer: Take his pillows too. Both of them. And his shoes. Take his shoes. I took your stuff. How does that make you feel? Do you feel bad? Good. 'Cause that's how I feel! We had a contract. I saved your life and you give me suits. That was our deal. And you did not deliver. I don't know if you're a genius or a fraud. I don't know what you are. Something really, really great fell into my lap. And if it hadn't, I'd be at your mercy tonight. Now I have a piece of Stark tech that I pimped out myself. And now your overpriced paperweights and gonna look like a backdrop to my demonstration. Do you dig what I'm getting at here? Ivan Vanko: unintelligible Justin Hammer: I don't know if you know this, but I don't speak Russian! I'm gonna leave now. I'm gonna go to the Expo. Maybe I'll even get laid. You see these guys? They're your babysitters. They are not to be trifled with. When I get back, we're gonna renegotiate the terms of our agreement. And you're gonna make good on our arrangement because if you don't, you're gonna be exactly what you were when I found you, a dead man. You got that? Maybe you can watch me on TV. Tony Stark: Dummy, You, can we clean up this mess? You're killing me. You know I don't... Jarvis: Incoming call with a blocked number sir. Tony Stark: My phone privilege is reinstated. Lovely. Coulson. How's the Land of Enchantment? Ivan Vanko: Hey, Tony, how you doing? I double cycle. Tony Stark: You what? Ivan Vanko: You told me double cycle's more power. Good advice. Tony Stark: You sound pretty sprightly for a dead guy. Ivan Vanko: You too. Tony Stark: Trace him. Jarvis: Sir. Ivan Vanko: Now, the true history of Stark name will be written. Tony Stark: Jarvis, where is he? Jarvis: Accessing the Oracle grid. Eastern Seaboard. Ivan Vanko: What your father did to my family over 40 years, I will do to you in 40 minutes. Tony Stark: Sounds good. Let's get together and hash it out. Jarvis: Tri-State area. Manhattan and outlying boroughs. Ivan Vanko: I hope you're ready. Jarvis: Call trace incomplete. Sir Tony Stark: You want to run some tests, run them. And assemble the suit while you're at it. Put it together now. Jarvis: We are unclear as to the effects. Tony Stark: I don't want to hear it Jarvis. That tastes like coconut. And metal. Oh wow, yeah! Happy Hogan: I'll keep the car down here, all right? Pepper Potts: Thank you Happy. Announcer: ...Justin Hammer. His presentation will begin shortly in the main pavilion. Justin Hammer: Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Thanks for coming. Ladies and gentlemen, for far too long, this country has had to place its brave men and women in harm's way, but then the Iron Man arrived, and we thought the days of losing lives were behind us. Sadly, that technology was kept out of reach. That's not fair. That's not right. And it's just too bad. Pepper Potts: Oh, Lord. Justin Hammer: Regardless, it was an impressive innovation, one that grabbed the headlines the world over. Well, today, my friends, the press is faced with quite a difficult problem. They are about to run out of ink. Get that out of here. Ladies and gentlemen, today I present to you the new face of the United States military. The Hammer drone. Army! Navy! Air Force! Marines! Yeah! Yeah! Woo! That's a hell of a lot better than some cheerleaders, let me tell you. But as revolutionary as this technology is, there will always be a need for man to be present in the theatre of war Ladies and gentlemen, today I am proud to present to you the very first prototype in the Variable Threat Response Battle Suit and its pilot, Air Force Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes. Pepper Potts: What? Justin Hammer: For America and its allies, Hammer Industries is reporting for... Tony Stark: We got trouble. James Rhodes: Tony, there are civilians present. I'm here on orders. Let's not do this right now. Tony Stark: Give them a wave. Justin Hammer: Hey, all right. Yeah. Tony Stark: All these people are in danger. We gotta get them out of here. You gotta trust me for the next five minutes. James Rhodes: Yeah, I tried that. I got tossed around your house, remember? Tony Stark: Listen, I think he's working with Vanko. James Rhodes: Vanko's alive? Justin Hammer: Yeah. Tony Stark: What is he? Justin Hammer: What? Tony Stark: Where's Vanko? Justin Hammer: Who? Tony Stark: Tell me. Justin Hammer: What are you doing here man? James Rhodes: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Tony Stark: Is that you? James Rhodes: No, I'm not doing that. That's not me. I can't move. I'm locked up. I'm locked up! Get out of here. Go! This whole system's been compromised. Tony Stark: Let's take it outside. James Rhodes: No, no! Tony Stark: Jarvis, break in. I need to own him. Jarvis: Yes sir. James Rhodes: Tony, Tony, I'm locked on. I have target lock. Tony Stark: On what? James Rhodes: On you. Tony, on your six! Justin Hammer: What's going on? What's happening? Technician: The software's been overridden. Justin Hammer: What? What do you mean it's been overridden? What does that mean? Technician: I think he slaved the drones. Justin Hammer: That's impossible. Call the guards. Jack: All the phones are down sir. Justin Hammer: Well, then call their... Call their cells. Jack: Their cell phones are not working either sir. Technician: He's locked us out of the mainframe. Pepper Potts: Who's locked you out of the mainframe? Justin Hammer: Please, please, go away. Go away. I've got this handled. Pepper Potts: Have you now? Justin Hammer: Yes, I do. In fact, if your guy hadn't showed up, this wouldn't be happening. So, please, now go away. Thank you Listen, we got to get these bitches out of here. What? Natasha Romanoff: You tell me who's behind this. Who's behind this? Justin Hammer: Ivan. Ivan Vanko. Natasha Romanoff: Where is he? Justin Hammer: At my facility. Pepper Potts: I need NYPD, please. Justin Hammer: No, no, no! Pepper Potts: Command Central. Justin Hammer: No, no, honey. Don't call the authorities. Pepper Potts: Okay. Right away. Right away. Step aside. Step aside. Tell me everything you know. Go. Tony Stark: How are we doing Jarvis? Jarvis: Remote reboot unsuccessful. Security Guard: This way. Happy Hogan: Nobody's answering the phone. What's going on? Natasha Romanoff: Get in the car. Take me to Hammer Industries. Happy Hogan: I'm not taking you anywhere. Natasha Romanoff: Fine. You want me to drive? Happy Hogan: No, I'm driving. Get in the car. Tony Stark: Nice work kid. James Rhodes: You got multiples coming in on you. Tony Stark: Let's get this away from the Expo. Natasha Romanoff: Wen we arrive, I need you to watch the perimeter. I'm gonna enter the facility and take down the target. Watch the road. Happy Hogan: I got it. I got it. James Rhodes: Listen, listen. A pack just peeled off. They're headed back to the Expo. Tony Stark: Got it. James Rhodes: In closing in on you. Ordnance coming in hot Tony. Watch it. Natasha Romanoff: Stay in the car. Happy Hogan: I'm not staying in the car. Natasha Romanoff: I said, stay in the car. Happy Hogan: What are you wearing? Look, I'm not letting you go in there alone. Natasha Romanoff: You want to help? Keep the car running. Happy Hogan: Okay. Hammer Security Guard: Hey, hey, hey. You can't come in here. Second Guard: Hold on. Hey! Technician: Each set of drone is communicating in its own unique language. Pepper Potts: Well, choose one and focus on that. Justin Hammer: Have you tried Russian? Why don't you try Russian? Announcement: Attention. We have intrusion on Grid W. Security Guard: We got it. We're on our way. Happy Hogan: I got him! Tony Stark: Rhodey, you still locked on? James Rhodes: Yeah. Tony Stark: Drop your socks and grab your Crocs. We're about to get wet on this ride. James Rhodes: Wait, wait, wait! Natasha Romanoff: He's gone. Tony Stark: I'm sorry buddy. Had to thin out the herd. What's your 20? Happy Hogan: What are you doing? Natasha Romanoff: I'm rebooting Rhodey's suit. James Rhodes: Tony. Natasha Romanoff: Reboot complete You got your best friend back. Tony Stark: Thank you very much, Agent Romanoff. Natasha Romanoff: Well done on the new chest piece. I am reading significant higher output and your vitals all look promising. Tony Stark: Yes, for the moment, I'm not dying. Thank you. Pepper Potts: What do you mean you're not dying? Did you just say you're dying? Tony Stark: Is that you? No, I'm not. Not anymore. Pepper Potts: What's going on? Tony Stark: I was going to tell you. I didn't want to alarm you. Pepper Potts: You were gonna tell me? You really were dying? Tony Stark: You didn't let me. Pepper Potts: Why didn't you tell me that? Tony Stark: I was gonna make you an omelette and tell you. Natasha Romanoff: Hey, hey. Save it for the honeymoon. You got incoming Tony. Looks like the fight's coming to you. Tony Stark: Great. Pepper? Pepper Potts: Are you okay now? Tony Stark: I am fine. Don't be mad. I will formally apologise... Pepper Potts: I am mad! Tony Stark: ...when I'm not fending off a Hammeroid attack. Pepper Potts: Fine. Tony Stark: We could have been in Venice. Pepper Potts: Oh please. Tony Stark: Rhodes? Snap out of it buddy. I need you. They're coming. Come on, let's roll. Get up. James Rhodes: Oh, man. You can have your suit back. Tony Stark: You okay? James Rhodes: Yeah, thanks. Tony, look, I'm sorry, okay? Tony Stark: Don't be. James Rhodes: No. I should have trusted you more. Tony Stark: I'm the one who put you in this position. Forget it. James Rhodes: No. It's your fault. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Tony Stark: Thank you. That's all I wanted to hear. Partner. They're coming in hot, any second. What's the play? James Rhodes: Well, we want to take the high ground, okay? So let's put the biggest gun up on that ridge. Tony Stark: Got you. Where do you want to be? James Rhodes: Where are you going? Tony Stark: What're you talking about? James Rhodes: I meant me. Tony Stark: You have a big gun. You are not the big gun. James Rhodes: Tony, don't be jealous. Tony Stark: No. It's subtle all the bells and whistles. James Rhodes: Yeah. It's called being a badass. Tony Stark: Fine. All right. You go up to. I'll draw them in. James Rhodes: Don't stay down here. This is the worst place to be. Tony Stark: Okay, you got a spot. Where's mine? James Rhodes: It's the kill box, Tony. Okay This is where you go to die. Tony Stark: See that? James Rhodes: Yeah, yeah. Nice. Tony Stark: Rhodey? Get down. James Rhodes: Wow. I think you should lead with that next time. Tony Stark: Yeah. Sorry boss. I can only use it one. It's a one-off. Justin Hammer: I told you that five minutes ago. Pepper Potts: That's your guy here. Justin Hammer: Excuse me? Police Officer: You're being placed under arrest. Justin Hammer: Are you kidding me? Police Officer: Hands behind your back sir. Justin Hammer: I'm trying to help here. I get it. I see what you're doing. You're trying to pin this on me, huh? That's good. That's good. You're starting to think like a CEO, taking out the competition. I like that. You think you're making a problem for me? I'm gonna make a problem for you. I'm gonna be seeing you again real soon. Pepper Potts: When they get here, I think you should station them at the south, east and both west exits. Police Officer: We shut down the 7 train in and out of Willets Point already. Pepper Potts: Well, have city buses there to ferry people to operating lines. Police Officer: Yeah. Are you coming with us? Pepper Potts: No, I'm gonna stay until to park is clear. Police Officer: Okay. Natasha Romanoff: Head up. You got one more drone incoming. This one looks different. The repulsor signature is significantly higher. Ivan Vanko: Good to be back. James Rhodes: This ain't gonna be good. I got something special for this guy. I'm gonna bust his bunker with the Ex-Wife. Tony Stark: With the what? Hammer tech? James Rhodes: Yeah. Tony Stark: I got this. Rhodes. I got an idea. You want to be a hero? James Rhodes: What? Tony Stark: I could really use a sidekick. Put your hand up. James Rhodes: This is your idea? Tony Stark: Yep. James Rhodes: I'm ready. I'm ready. Go, go, go! Tony Stark: Take it! Ivan Vanko: You lose. James Rhodes: All these drones are rigged to blow. We gotta get out of here man. Tony Stark: Pepper? Pepper Potts: Oh my God. I can't take this anymore. Tony Stark: You can't? Pepper Potts: I can't take this. Tony Stark: Look at me. Pepper Potts: My body, literally, cannot handle the stress. I never know if you're gonna kill yourself or wreak the whole company. Tony Stark: I think I did okay. Pepper Potts: I quit. I'm resigning. That's it. Tony Stark: What did you just say? You're done? That's surprising. No, it's not surprising. I get it. You don't have to make excuses. Pepper Potts: I'm... I'm... I'm not making any excuses. Tony Stark: You actually were just making excuses. But you don't have to. Pepper Potts: No, I wasn't making an excuse. I'm actually very justified. Tony Stark: Listen. Hey, hey. You deserve better. Pepper Potts: Well... Tony Stark: You've taken such good care of me. I've been in a tough spot, but you got me through it, so... Right? Pepper Potts: Thank you. Tony Stark: Yeah. Pepper Potts: Thank you for understanding. Tony Stark: Yeah, yeah. Let's talk clean-up. Pepper Potts: I'll handle the transition. It'll be smooth. Tony Stark: Okay. What about the press? Because you only had the job for a week. That's gonna seem... Pepper Potts: Well, with you it's like dog years. Tony Stark: I know. Pepper Potts: I mean, it's like the Presidency. Tony Stark: Weird. Pepper Potts: No, it's not weird. Tony Stark: It's okay, right? Pepper Potts: Yeah. Tony Stark: Run that by me again. James Rhodes: I think it was weird. You guys look like two seals fighting over a grape. Pepper Potts: I had just quit, actually. Tony Stark: Yeah, so we're not... James Rhodes: You don't have to do that. I heard the whole thing. Tony Stark: You should get lost. James Rhodes: I was here first. Get a roof. Tony Stark: I thought you were out of one-liners. James Rhodes: That's the last one. Tony Stark: You kicked ass back there, by the way. James Rhodes: Thank you. You too. Listen, my car got taken out in the explosion, so I'm gonna have to hang on to your suit for a minute, okay? Tony Stark: Not okay. Not okay with that. James Rhodes: It wasn't a question. Tony Stark: How are you gonna resign if I don't accept? Nick Fury: I don't think I want you looking at that. I'm not sure it pertains to you anymore. Now this on the other hand, is Agent Romanoff's assessment of you. Read it. Tony Stark: "Personality overview. Mr Stark displays compulsive behaviour." In my own defence, that was last week. "Prone to self-destructive tendencies." I was dying. I mean, please. Aren't we all? "Textbook narcissism"? Agreed. Okay, here it is. "Recruitment assessment for Avenger Initiative. Iron Man? Yes." I gotta think about it. Nick Fury: Read on. Tony Stark: "Tony Stark not... Not recommended"? That doesn't make any sense. How can you approve me but not approve me? I got a new ticker. I'm trying to do right by Pepper. I'm in a stable-ish relationship. Nick Fury: Which leads us to believe at this juncture we'd only like to use you as a consultant. Tony Stark: You can't afford me. Then again, I will waive my customary retainer in exchange for a small favour. Rhodey and I are being honoured in Washington and we need a presenter. Nick Fury: I'll see what I can do. Senator Stern: It is my honour to be here today to present these distinguished awards to Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes and Mr Tony Stark, who is, of course, a national treasure. Thank you Lieutenant Colonel, for such and exceptionally distinguished performance. You deserve this. James Rhodes: Thank you sir. Senator Stern: Mr Stark. Thank you for such as exceptionally distinguished performance. You deserve this. Oh, sorry. Funny how annoying a little prick can be, isn't it? Let's get a photo. Phil Coulson: Sir, we've found it.

Jane Foster: Hurry! Oh- watch your head. Erik Selvig: Thanks. So what's this "anomaly" of yours supposed to look like? Jane Foster: It's a little different each time. Once it looked like, I don't know, melted stars, pooling in a corner of the sky. But last week it was a rolling rainbow ribbon- Erik Selvig: Racing Àúround Orion?" I've always said you should have been a poet. Jane Foster: Hey, Darcy. Pass up the bubbly and my gloves, will you? Not until you see it! Erik Selvig: I recognize those. Think how proud he'd be to see you now. Jane Foster: Thank you. Erik Selvig: For what? Jane Foster: The benefit of the doubt. It's never taken this long before. Darcy Lewis: Can I turn on the radio? Jane Foster: Sure, if you like rocking out to KFRM, "All agriculture, all the time." The anomalies are always precipitated by geomagnetic storms. The last seventeen occurrences have been predictable to the minute... I just don't understand. Darcy Lewis: Jane? Jane Foster: There's got to be some new variable... Or an equipment malfunction... Darcy Lewis: I don't think there's anything wrong with your equipment... Jane? Jane Foster: What?! Darcy Lewis: I think you want to see this. Jane Foster: Holy. Shatner. Erik Selvig: That's your "subtle" aurora?! Jane Foster: No- yes! Let's go! Isn't this great?! You're seeing it too, right? I'm not crazy? Erik Selvig: That's debateable. Put your seat belt on! Jane Foster: You've gotta get us closer so I can take a magnetic reading. Darcy Lewis: Yeah, right! Good one! Oh God, you're serious... Jane Foster: You want those college credits or not? Darcy Lewis: Keep the credits. I'll intern at Burger King. Jane Foster: What are you doing?! Darcy Lewis: Saving our lives! I think that was legally your fault. Jane Foster: Get the first aid kit. Come on, big guy. Do me a favor and don't be dead, okay? Open your eyes and look at me. Darcy Lewis: Wow. Does he need CPR? Because I know CPR. Jane Foster: HIS EYES- Darcy Lewis: -are beautiful. Jane Foster: -are dilating. That's a good sign. Erik Selvig: We still have to get him to a hospital. Jane Foster: After we get a reading on the storm? Erik Selvig: Immediately, Jane. Jane Foster: Where did he come from? Heimdall: Questions, they've always asked questions - this race called man, on this planet they call earth. Passionately longing to know how they are connected to the heavens. In ages past, they looked to us as gods, for indeed so many times we saved them from calamity. We tried to show them how their world was but one of the Nine Realms of the Cosmos, linked to all others by the branches of Yggdrasil... ...the Worlds Tree. Nine Realms in a universe of wonder, beauty, and terror that they barely comprehended. But for all their thirst for knowledge, they let our lessons fall into myth and dreams. Where did he come from? He came from us, the proudest race of warriors the Worlds have ever seen. He came from this - the greatest Realm the universe has ever known. He came... from Asgard! Odin: Do you think he's ready? Frigga: He thinks he is. He has his father's confidence. Odin: He'll need his father's wisdom. Frigga: And his humility? Thor won't be alone. Loki will be at his side to give him counsel. Have faith in your sons. Odin: Yes, but Thor's still a boy. He could be a great King... ...if we only had more time. Frigga: For once, our son needs something we cannot provide. Odin: I can fight it a little longer... Frigga: No. You've put it off too long! I worry for you. Odin: I've destroyed demons and monsters, devastated whole worlds, laid waste to mighty kingdoms, and still you worry for me? Frigga: Always. Odin: Not today. Now come kiss your king... while I'm still king. Thor: Another! Loki: Nervous, brother? Thor: Have you ever known me to be nervous? Loki: There was the time in Nornheim... Thor: That wasn't nerves, brother. It was the rage of battle. How else could I have fought my way through a hundred warriors and pulled us out alive? Loki: As I recall, I was the one who veiled us in smoke to ease our escape. Thor: Some do battle, others just do tricks. Loki... Now that was just a waste of good wine. Loki: Just a bit of fun. Right, my friend? Nice feathers. Thor: You don't really want to start this again, do you, Cow? Loki: I was being sincere! Thor: You're incapable of sincerity. Loki: Am I? I've looked forward to this day as long as you have. You're my brother and my friend. Sometimes I'm envious, but never doubt that I love you. Thor: Thank you. Loki: Give us a kiss. Thor: Stop. How do I look? Loki: Like a king. It's time. Thor: You go ahead. I'll be along. Go on. Fandral: Thank you, love. Now who'd like to polish my sword for me? Sif: I'll miss you. Volstagg: I hope this goes quickly. I'm famished. Fandral: Noooo! Volstagg: Are you attached to that pretty face of yours? Because one more word, and you won't be. Fandral: My, we are hungry, aren't we? Go on, Hogun. Smile. You can do it. Even you, Hogun the Grim. Just one smile. All right, half a smile. Look, forget the smile, just show some teeth. Sif: Fandral, is it true the famous Warriors Three are ready to meet any challenge? Fandral: Name it, Lady Sif. Sif: Keep your mouth shut. Frigga: It's all right to be nervous. Thor: Why does everyone keep saying that? I'm not nervous! Frigga: You may be able to fool the rest of ASGARD - Thor: ...but never you. I know. Frigga: Thor, just remember that you have something even the great Allfather never had. Thor: And what is that? Frigga: Me for a mother. Now don't keep your father waiting. Volstagg: Where is he? Loki: He said he'd be along. Volstagg: What? Sif: He wants to make an entrance. Fandral: Well, if he doesn't show up soon, he shouldn't bother. Loki: I wouldn't worry. Father will forgive him. He always does. Sif: Oh, please. Odin: Gungnir. Its aim is true, its power strong. With it I have defended Asgard and the lives of the innocent across the Nine Realms since the time of the Great Beginning. And though the day has come for a new King to wield his own weapon - that duty remains the same. Thor Odinson, my heir, my first-born. So long entrusted with this mighty hammer, Mjolnir. Forged in the heart of a dying star, from the sacred metal of Uru. Only one may lift it. Only one is worthy. Who wields this hammer commands the lightning and the storm. Its power has no equal - as a weapon, to destroy, or as a tool, to build. It is a fit companion for a King. Today I entrust you with the greatest honor in all the Nine Realms. The sacred throne of Asgard. I have sacrificed much to achieve peace. So, too, must a new generation sacrifice to maintain that peace. Responsibility, duty, honor. These are not merely virtues to which we must aspire. They are essential to every soldier and to every King. Thor Odinson, do you swear to guard the Nine Realms? Thor: I swear. Odin: Do you swear to preserve the peace? Thor: I swear. Odin: Do you swear to cast aside all selfish ambition and pledge yourself only to the good of all the Realms? Thor: I swear. Odin: Then on this day, I, Odin Allfather, proclaim you- Frost giants... Sif: The Destroyer. Volstagg: I thought it was but a legend. Fandral: I've never been inside the Vault before. It's said the Tesseract was once held here. Volstagg: The Tesseract? I thought that was but a legend too! Sif: Shush! Thor: The Jotuns must pay for what they've done! Odin: They have paid with their lives. The Destroyer did its job, and the Casket is safe. All is well. Thor: All is well?! They broke into the Weapons Vault! If the Frost Giants had stolen even one of these RELICS- Odin: But they didn't. Thor: I want to know why they- Odin: The Casket of Ancient Winters belonged to the Jotuns. They believe it's their birthright. Thor: And if you hadn't taken it from them they would have laid waste to all the Nine Realms! Odin: I have a truce with Laufey, the Jotun King. Thor: He just broke your truce! We must act! Odin: Leave us. And what action would you take? Thor: March into Jotunheim as you once did, teach them a lesson, break their spirits so they'll never dare try to cross our borders again! Odin: You're thinking only as a warrior! Thor: This was an act of war! Odin: It was the act of but a few, doomed to fail. Thor: They got this far! Odin: We will find the breach in our defenses. It will be found, and it will be sealed. Thor: As King of Asgard, I would- Odin: You are not King. Not yet. Sif: Redecorating, are we? Volstagg: What's this - ?! Hogun: I told you they'd cancel it. Fandral: We thought that was just you being your normal cheery self. Volstagg: All this food - so innocent, cast to the ground. It breaks the heart! Thor: It's unwise to be in my company right now, brother. Loki: Who said I was wise? Thor: This was to be my day of triumph. Loki: It will come. In time. If it's any consolation, I think you're right. About the Frost Giants, about Laufey, everything. If a few of them could penetrate the defenses of Asgard once, who's to say they won't try again. Next time with an army? Thor: Yes, exactly! Loki: But there's nothing we can do without defying Father. No... stop there! I know that look! Thor: It's the only way to ensure the safety of our borders. Loki: It's madness! Volstagg: Madness? What sort of madness? Loki: Nothing! Thor was making a jest! Thor: The safety of our Realm is no jest. We're going to Jotunheim. Fandral: What?! Sif: Thor, of all the laws of Asgard, this is one you must not break. Fandral: This isn't like a journey to Earth, where you summon a little lightning and thunder and the mortals worship you as a god. This is Jotunheim. Volstagg: And if the Frost Giants don't kill you, your Father will! Thor: My father fought his way into Jotunheim, defeated their armies, and took their Casket! We'd just be looking for answers. Sif: It is forbidden! Thor: My friends, have you forgotten all that we've done together? Who brought you into the sweet embrace of the most exotic maidens in all of Yggdrasil? Fandral: You did. Thor: Who led you into the most glorious of battles... ...and to delicacies so succulent, you thought you'd died and gone to Valhalla? Volstagg / Hogun: You did. Thor: And who proved wrong all who scoffed at the idea that a young maiden could be one of the fiercest warriors this Realm has ever known? Sif: I did. Thor: True. But I supported you... My friends, trust me now. We must do this. Come on. You're not going to let my brother and me take all the glory, are you? Loki: What? Thor: You are coming with me... Loki: Yes, of course! I won't let my brother march into Jotunheim alone. I will be at his side. Volstagg: And I. Fandral: And I. Hogun: And I. The Warriors Three fight together. Sif: I fear we'll live to regret this. Volstagg: If we're lucky. Thor: We must first find a way to get past Heimdall. Volstagg: That will be no easy task. It's said the Gatekeeper can see a single dew drop fall from a blade of grass a thousand worlds away. Fandral: And he can hear a cricket passing gas in Niffelheim. Volstagg: Jest not! He heareth all! Fandral: Please. Getting past him should be simple enough now, since he seems to be letting Frost Giants sneak by under his nose. Volstagg: Forgive him! He meaneth no offense! Loki: Keep your weapons sheathed and your mouths closed. This is going to take subtlety and sincerity, not brute strength. Leave it to me. GOOD HEIMDALL- Heimdall: You're not dressed warmly enough. Loki: I'm sorry? Heimdall: The freezing cold of Jotunheim. It will kill you all in time, even Thor. You think you can deceive me? I, who watch all? I, who can sense the flapping of a butterfly's wings a thousand worlds away? Or can hear a cricket passing gas in Niffelheim? Fandral: That was just a bit of a jest, really... Loki: You must be mistaken. We're not- Thor: Enough. Heimdall, may we pass? Heimdall: For ages have I guarded Asgard and kept it safe from those who would do it harm. In all that time, never has an enemy slipped by my watch - until this day. I wish to know how that happened. Thor: Then tell no one where we've gone until we've returned. Volstagg: What happened? Your silver tongue turn to lead? Loki: Get me off this bridge before it cracks under your girth. Heimdall: Be warned. I will honor my sworn oath to protect this Realm as its Gatekeeper. If your return threatens the safety of Asgard, Bifrost will remain closed to you. You'll be left to die in the cold wastes of Jotunheim. Thor: I have no plans to die today. Heimdall: None do. All is ready. You may pass. Volstagg: Couldn't you just leave the bridge open for us? Heimdall: To keep this bridge open would unleash the full power of the Bifrost and destroy Jotunheim with you upon it. Volstagg: Ah. Never mind, then. Thor: Come on. Don't be bashful. Come on, big fella. Up...! Volstagg: This belt! This belt is now my lucky belt! I will never remove it! Even when bathing! Fandral: You bathe? Hogun: We shouldn't be here. Thor: Too late now. Fandral: Actually, it's not. We could turn right around, hop back to Asgard, share a mug by the fire. Could be nice. Loki: Perhaps we should wait. Thor: For what? Loki: To survey the enemy. To gauge their strengths and weaknesses from a distance. Volstagg: I'm liking that. Gauging, surveying. Particularly the distance part. Thor: We know all we must. It's time to act. Sif: He's just got to swing his hammer... Thor: It feels good, doesn't it? To be together again, adventuring on another world? Fandral: Adventuring? Is that what we're doing? Thor: What would you call it? Fandral: Freezing. Volstagg: Starving. Sif: Whining. Thor: How about a song to lift our spirits? Hogun: No, not that! Sif: Please don't make us sing again! Fandral: If I have to listen to Volstagg's singing voice one more time, I'll fall on my own sword! Sif: Well, now I'm on board. Where are they? Thor: Hiding. As cowards always do. Jotun Sentry: What is your business here, Asgardian? Thor: I speak only to your King. Not to his foot soldiers. Jotun Voice: Then speak. Laufey: I am Laufey, King of this Realm. Thor: And I am- Laufey: We know who you are, Odinson. Why have you brought the stench of your blood into my world? Thor: I demand answers. Laufey: You "demand?" Thor: How did your people get into Asgard? Laufey: The house of Odin is full of traitors. Thor: Do not dishonor my father's name with your lies. Laufey: Your father is a murderer and a thief. He stole what was ours, and left our world in ruins. We have the right to reclaim the Casket. Thor: Not when you'd use it to make war against other Realms. Laufey: And why have you come here? To make peace? You long for battle. You crave it. I see you for what you are, Thor Odinson. Nothing but a boy, trying to prove himself a man. Thor: This boy has grown tired of your mockery. Loki: Thor, stop and think. Look around you. We are outnumbered. Thor: Know your place, brother... Laufey: You should listen to his counsel. You know not what your actions would unleash. But I do. Go now, while I still allow it. Loki: We will accept your most gracious offer. Jotun: Run back home, little princess. Loki: Damn. Volstagg: Silly hammer! Has a mind of its own! Fandral: I'm hoping that's just decorative. Thor: Next! Fandral: Well? What move, do you think? Volstagg: I say we use "The Norn's Revenge." Fandral: At this close range? I think "The Alfheim Lunge" is a better move. Volstagg: Maybe if they were three feet tall! No! How about "The Randy Valkyrie"? Hogun: Shut up! Sif: If you don't treat me like a lady, I won't act like a lady! Loki: Pathetic. Thor: Come on! At least make it a challenge for me! Now that's more like it! Ugly and stupid. Sif: I'm so glad I taught him how to do that! Volstagg: You may want to put some ice on that! You may be taller, but I'm wider! It's not too late for you to surrender. Don't let them grab hold of you! Thank you, my lady. But I nearly had him! Sif: Of course you did. Volstagg: Hang on! Hogun: Watch the legs! Volstagg: Right. Sorry. Fandral: You really think your icicles are a match for Asgardian steel? Fair enough. Could we stop just a moment while I get another sword? Volstagg: That's unfortunate. Fandral: I may need a bit of help. Not a good look, is it? Volstagg: Just try not to bleed. Fandral: How's the face? Volstagg: Flawless. Thor: Come on! Loki: That can't be good. Volstagg: Yes, it could! Might be an early spring! Loki: Thor, we must go! Thor: Then go! Sif: There are too many of them! Thor: I can stop them! Sif: Thor! Volstagg: Run! What's Thor done? Loki: Likely killed us all! Thor: Loki, we have to see. Volstagg: Actually, could you bring the mists back, please? Odin: Laufey. End this. Laufey: Your boy sought this out. Odin: You're right. These are the actions of a boy. Treat them as such. You and I can stop this before there's further bloodshed. Laufey: We are beyond diplomacy now, Allfather. He'll get what he came for - war and death. Odin: So be it. Thor: Now! We'll finish them together! Odin: Silence! Thor: Why did you bring us back? Odin: Do you realize what you've done? What you've started? Thor: I was protecting my home. Odin: You cannot protect your friends. How can you hope to protect a kingdom? Get him to the healing room! Thor: There won't be a kingdom to protect if you're afraid to act! Whatever the cost, the world must know that the new King of Asgard will not be held in contempt. Odin: That's pride and vanity that talks! Not leadership! Have you forgotten everything I've taught you? What of a warrior's patience, cunning? Thor: While you wait and be patient, the Nine Realms laugh at us! The old ways are done. You'd stand giving speeches while Asgard falls! Odin: You're a vain, greedy, cruel boy! Thor: And you are an old man and a fool! Odin: A fool, yes! I was a fool to think you were ready. Loki: FATHER- Odin: Thor Odinson... You have disobeyed the express command of your King. Through your arrogance and stupidity, you have opened these peaceful Realms and innocent lives to the horrors of war. You are unworthy of this Realm... ...unworthy of your title... ...unworthy of the loved ones you've betrayed. I hereby take from you your powers. In the name of my father... ...and of his father before... I cast you out! Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor. Darcy Lewis: I think that was legally your fault. Jane Foster: Get the first aid kit. Come on, big guy. Do me a favor and don't be dead, okay? Open your eyes and look at me. Darcy Lewis: Wow. Does he need CPR? Because I know CPR. Jane Foster: Where did he come from? Uh, thanks. Are you okay? Thor: Hammer... Darcy Lewis: Yeah, we can tell you're hammered. That's pretty obvious. Jane Foster: Erik... look at this. We've got to move fast before anything changes. We need soil samples, light readings, everything. Erik Selvig: Jane, we need get him to a hospital. Jane Foster: Not right now. It'll take too long. County's an hour away. We'll drop him off after we're done here. Look at him, he's fine. Thor: Father! Heimdall! I know you can hear me! Open the bridge! Jane Foster: Okay, you and Darcy take him to the hospital, I'll stay here. Erik Selvig: You expect me to leave you alone in the middle of the desert? Thor: You! What world is this? Erik Selvig: It's all right, my friend. We're going to get you some help. Thor: Where am I?! Answer me! Jane Foster: Erik, just back away... Erik Selvig: You're in the desert outside the town of Puente Antiguo. Thor: What Realm?! Alfheim? Nornheim? Darcy Lewis: Uh... New Mexico? Thor: You dare threaten Thor with so puny A- Darcy Lewis: What? He was freaking me out. Erik Selvig: Next time you decide to taser someone, do me a favor and make sure they're already inside the truck. Jane, come on... Admissions Nurse: Name? Jane Foster: He said it was "Thor." Admissions Nurse: T-H-O-R. And your relationship to him? Jane Foster: I've never met him before. Darcy Lewis: Until she hit him with the car. Jane Foster: Grazed him, actually. Oh, and we tasered him, too. Admissions Nurse: Must have been quite the spat. Jane Foster: I told you, I don't know him. I just want to make sure he's okay. Admissions Nurse: I'm going to need a name and contact number. Jane Foster: Jane Foster. Admissions Nurse: J...A...N... Erik Selvig: Oh, for God's sake... Here. Let's go. Nurse: Hi. Just taking a little blood. Thor: How dare you attack the son of Odin! Nurse: I need some help! We're trying to help you! Thor: Then bring me a healing stone, you savages! Orderly: What the hell is this guy on? Thor: You're no match for the Mighty- Townie: Huh. Huh. Jane Foster: Darcy, when you're done, take the soil samples to Professor Meyers in geology. Remind him, he owes me. Erik Selvig: We might want to perform a spectral analysis. Jane Foster: "We?" Erik Selvig: I flew all the way out here - might as well make myself useful. Jane Foster: You know what would be really useful? Do you still have that friend at LIGO? Erik Selvig: She was more than a friend. Jane Foster: Could you call in a favor? Erik Selvig: You don't think this was just a magnetic storm? Jane Foster: If I'm right, their observatory must have picked up gravitational waves during last night's event. Erik Selvig: Meaning? Jane Foster: Meaning these anomalies might signify something bigger. Erik Selvig: How "big" are we talking about? Jane Foster: I think the lensing around the edges is characteristic of an Einstein-Rosen Bridge. Darcy Lewis: A what? Erik Selvig: I thought you were a science major. Darcy Lewis: Political Science. Jane Foster: She was the only applicant. Erik Selvig: An Einstein-Rosen Bridge - a "theoretical" connection between two different points of space-time. Jane Foster: A wormhole. Erik, look... What do you see here? Erik Selvig: Stars. Jane Foster: Yes. But not our stars. This is the star alignment for our quadrant, this time of year. So unless Ursa Minor decided to take the day off... those are someone else's constellations. Darcy Lewis: Hey, check it out. Erik Selvig: Is that...? Jane Foster: I think I left something at the hospital. Frigga: How could you have done this? Odin: Do you understand what he set in motion? He's taken us to the brink of war! Frigga: But banishment? You would lose him forever? He's your son! Odin: What would you have done? Frigga: I would not have exiled him to a world of mortals, stripped of his powers, to suffer alone. I would not have had the heart for such cruelty! Odin: That is why I'm King. I, too, grieve the loss of our son. But there are some things that even I cannot undo. Frigga: You can bring him back. Odin: No. His fate is in his own hands now. Thor: It's not possible. Admissions Nurse: I'm sorry, only relatives can visit patients. Jane Foster: But... I'm his wife. Admissions Nurse: I thought you said you didn't know him. Jane Foster: I meant I barely know him anymore. The man he's become. He's changed. I mean, what woman really knows her husband, anyway? Admissions Nurse: None of us, dear. He's in Room Jane Foster: Typical. I just lost my most important piece of evidence. Darcy Lewis: So now what? Jane Foster: We find him. Erik Selvig: Did you see what he did in there? I don't know if finding him is the best idea. Jane Foster: I want to know what that thing was, and he may have the answers. We don't have a choice. Darcy Lewis: Oo-kay. Erik Selvig: So we're just going to spend the rest of the day looking for him? Jane Foster: However long it takes. I'm so sorry. I swear I'm not doing that on purpose. Thor: Blue sky... one sun... This is Earth, isn't it? Darcy Lewis: I think you may have hit him with the car one time too many. Jane Foster: Let's get you some clothes. Volstagg: We should never have let him go. Sif: There was no stopping him. Fandral: At least he's only banished, not dead. Which is what we'd all be if that guard hadn't told Odin where we'd gone. Volstagg: How did the guard even know? Loki: I told him. Fandral: What? Loki: I told him to go to Odin after we'd left. Though he should be flogged for taking so long. Volstagg: You told the guard? Loki: I saved our lives! And Thor's. I had no idea Father would banish him for what he did. Sif: Loki, you're the only one who can help Thor now. You must go to the Allfather and convince him to change his mind! Loki: And if I do, then what? I love Thor more dearly than any of you, but you know what he is. He's arrogant. He's reckless. He's dangerous. You saw how he was today. Is that what Asgard needs from its King? Sif: He may speak about the good of Asgard, but he's always been jealous of Thor. Volstagg: True, but we should be grateful to him. He did save our lives. Hogun: Laufey said there were traitors in the House of Odin. Fandral: Why is it every time you choose to speak, it has to be something dark and ominous? Hogun: A master of magic could easily bring three Jotuns into Asgard. Volstagg: No! Surely not! Fandral: Loki's always been one for mischief, but you're talking about something else entirely. Sif: Who else could elude Heimdall's gaze with tricks of light and shadow? Volstagg: The ceremony was interrupted just before Thor was named King. Sif: We should go to the Allfather. Fandral: And tell him what? "Oh, by the way, we think your son just betrayed the throne. And do us a favor. Bring back Thor. There's a good fellow!" Sif: It's our duty. If any of our suspicions are right, then all of Asgard is in danger. Odin: Stop! Loki: Am I cursed? Odin: No. Put the Casket down. Loki: What am I? Odin: You're my son. Loki: What more than that? The Casket wasn't the only thing you took from Jotunheim that day, was it? Odin: No. In the aftermath of the battle, I went into the Temple, and I found a baby. Small for a giant's offspring - abandoned, suffering, left to die. Laufey's son. Loki: Laufey's son... Why? You were knee-deep in Jotun blood. Why would you take me? Odin: You were an innocent child. Loki: You took me for a purpose, what was it? Tell me! Odin: I thought we could unite our kingdoms one day, bring about an alliance, bring about a permanent peace... through you. But those plans no longer matter. Loki: So I am no more than another stolen relic, locked up here until you might have use of me. Odin: Why do you twist my words? Loki: You could have told me what I was from the beginning. Why didn't you? Odin: You are my son. My blood. I wanted only to protect you from the truth. Loki: Because I am the monster parents tell their children about at night? Odin: Don't... Loki: It all makes sense now. Why you favored Thor all these years. Odin: Listen... Loki: Because no matter how much you claim to "love" me, you could never have a Frost Giant sitting on the Throne of Asgard! Odin: Listen to me! Loki! Loki: Guards! Eager Townie: This'll do it. Okay, let 'er rip! Phil Coulson: Sir - we've found it. Darcy Lewis: You know, for a crazy homeless guy, he's pretty cut. Hey, sorry I tased you! Jane Foster: Excuse me... excuse me! My ex. They're the only clothes I had that'll fit you. Sorry. Thor: They will suffice. Jane Foster: You're welcome. Now tell me... What were you doing, in that? Thor: What does anyone do in the Bifrost? Erik Selvig: The Bifrost... Jane Foster: What exactly is the Bifrost? Thor: This mortal form has grown weak. Jane Foster: BUT- Somebody get the mortal a Pop-Tart. Frigga: I asked him to be honest with you from the beginning. There should be no secrets in a family. Loki: So why did he lie? Frigga: He kept the truth from you so that you would never feel different. You are in every way our son, Loki, and we your family. You must know that. You can speak to him. He can see and hear us, even now. Loki: How long will it last? Frigga: I don't know. This time is different. We were unprepared. Loki: I never get used to seeing him like this. The most powerful being in the Nine Realms lying helpless until his body is restored. Frigga: But he's put it off for so long now, I fear... You're a good son. We mustn't lose hope that your father will return to us. And your brother. Loki: What hope is there for Thor? Frigga: There's always a purpose to everything your father does. Thor may yet find a way home. Thor is banished. The line of succession falls to you. Until he awakens, Asgard is yours. Make your father proud. Jane Foster: Now tell us exactly what happened to you last night. Maybe start with how you got inside that cloud. Darcy Lewis: And how you could eat an entire box of Pop-Tarts and still be this hungry. Thor: This drink. I like it. Darcy Lewis: Yeah, it's great, isn't it? Isabela makes the best coffee in town. Thor: Another! Jane Foster: Sorry, Izzy. Little accident. I'm going to pay for the cup. Isabela: Did you see that? The first time she brings a man in here, and he's a lunatic! Jane Foster: What was that? Thor: It was delicious. I want another. Jane Foster: Then you should just say so! Thor: I just did. Jane Foster: I mean ask for it. Nicely. Thor: I meant no disrespect. Jane Foster: All right, then no more smashing, deal? Thor: You have my word. Jane Foster: Good. Isabela: Morning, Pete. Jake. Townie Pete: The usual, please, Izzy. Drunk Townie Jake: You missed all the excitement out at the crater. Isabela: What crater? Townie Pete: They're saying some kind of satellite crashed in the desert. Drunk Townie Jake: We were having a good time with it till the Feds showed up, chased us out. Jane Foster: Excuse me, did you say there was a satellite crash? Drunk Townie Jake: Yep. They said it was radioactive. And I had my hands all over it. I'm probably sterile now. Darcy Lewis: Oh my God, this is going on Facebook. Smile! Erik Selvig: What did the satellite look like? Drunk Townie Jake: I don't know nothing about satellites. But it was heavy. Real heavy. Nobody could lift it. Thor: Where?! Drunk Townie Jake: About twelve miles east of here. Townie Pete: I wouldn't bother! Looked like the whole Army was coming in when we left! Jane Foster: Where are you going? Thor: Twelve miles east of here. Jane Foster: Why? Thor: To get what belongs to me. Jane Foster: So now you own a satellite? Thor: It's not what they say it is. Jane Foster: Whatever it is, the government seems to think it's theirs. You intend to just walk in there and take it? Thor: Yes. If you take me there now, I'll tell you everything you wish to know. Jane Foster: Everything? Thor: All the answers you seek will be yours, once I reclaim Mjolnir. Darcy Lewis: "Myeu-muh?" What's "Myeu-muh?" Erik Selvig: Jane. Please don't do this. Jane Foster: You know what we saw last night. This can't be a coincidence. I want to know what's in that crater. Erik Selvig: I'm not talking about the crater. I'm talking about him. Jane Foster: He's promised us answers. Erik Selvig: He's delusional! Listen to what he's saying! "Thor." "Bifrost." Mjolnir. These are the stories I grew up with as a child! Jane Foster: I'd just be driving him out there, that's all. Erik Selvig: It's dangerous. He's dangerous. Jane Foster: I'm sorry. I can't take you. Thor: I understand. Then this is where we say goodbye. Jane Foster: That's... thank you. Thor: Jane Foster... Erik Selvig... Darcy. Farewell. Erik Selvig: Now... let's get back to the lab. We have work to do. Sif: Allfather, we must speak with you URGENTLY- Volstagg: What is this? Loki: My friends... you haven't heard? I am now Ruler of Asgard. Fandral: Where is Odin? Loki: Father's fallen into the Odinsleep. My mother fears he may never awaken again. Sif: We would speak with her. Loki: She has refused to leave my father's bedside. You can bring your "urgent" matter to me, your King. Sif: We would ask you to end Thor's banishment. Loki: My first command can not be to undo the Allfather's last. We're on the brink of war with Jotunheim. Our people must have a sense of continuity in order to feel safe in these difficult times. All of us must stand together, for the good of Asgard. Fandral: Of course. Jane Foster: Hey! That's my stuff! What the hell is going on here?! Phil Coulson: Ms. Foster, I'm Agent Coulson, with SHIELD. Jane Foster: I don't care who you work for, you can't do this! Erik Selvig: Jane. This is more serious than you realize. Let it go. Jane Foster: Let it go?! This is my life! Phil Coulson: We're here investigating a security threat. We need to appropriate your equipment and all your atmospheric data. Jane Foster: By "appropriate" you mean "steal"? Phil Coulson: This should more than compensate you for your trouble. Jane Foster: I can't just pick up replacements from RadioShack! I made most of that equipment myself! Phil Coulson: Then I'm sure you can do it again. Jane Foster: And I'm sure I can sue you for violating my constitutional rights! Phil Coulson: We're the good guys, Ms. Foster. Jane Foster: So are we! We're on the verge of UNDERSTANDING SOMETHING extraordinary. Everything I know about this phenomenon is in this lab and in this book, and no one has the right to take it from me. Phil Coulson: Thank you for your cooperation. Jane Foster: Years of research, gone. Darcy Lewis: They even took my iPod. Erik Selvig: And your back-ups? Jane Foster: Look around! They took our back- ups. They took the back-ups of our back-ups. Darcy Lewis: I just downloaded, like, thirty songs on there. Jane Foster: Will you please stop talking about your iPod?! Who are these people? Erik Selvig: No one knows much about them. But I knew a scientist - a pioneer in gamma radiation. SHIELD showed up, and he was never heard from again. Jane Foster: I'm not going to let them do this. I'm getting everything back. Erik Selvig: Please, let me contact one of my colleagues. Dr. Pym has had some dealings with these people. I'll e- mail him and see if he can help. Darcy Lewis: They took your laptop, too. Erik Selvig: I'll just be a minute. Thor: I need a horse. Pet Store Clerk: Sorry, we don't sell horses. Just dogs, cats, birds. Thor: Then give me one of those, large enough to ride. Jane Foster: You still want a lift? Librarian: "And though they're large, giants can be quiet. You have to listen carefully for the sound of their footsteps - because they may be closer than you think." Joshua, come sit down. It's story time. Jane Foster: I've never done anything like this before! Have you ever done anything like this before? Thor: Many times. You're brave to do it. Jane Foster: They just stole my entire life's work. I really don't have anything left to lose. Thor: But you're clever. Far more clever than anyone else in this Realm. Jane Foster: "This Realm?" Why do you talk like that? Thor: You think me strange? Jane Foster: Yeah. Just a little. Thor: Good strange or bad strange? Jane Foster: I'm not quite sure yet. Sorry. Who are you? Really? Thor: You'll see soon enough. Jane Foster: You promised me answers. Thor: What you seek - it's a bridge. Jane Foster: A bridge? Like an Einstein-Rosen Bridge? Thor: More like a rainbow bridge. Jane Foster: God, I hope you're not crazy. That isn't a satellite crash. They would have hauled the wreckage away, not built a city around it. Thor: You're going to need this. Jane Foster: Why?- Thor: Stay here. Once I have Mjolnir, I will return what they stole from you. Deal? Jane Foster: No! Look what's down there! You can't just walk in, grab our stuff, and walk out! Thor: No. I'm going to fly out. Jane Foster: Wait... Techie: Feed from the keyhole. Can barely penetrate the cloud cover. Tech's barely working as it is, with all the interference that thing's giving off. Hey, we've got a commercial aircraft coming in right over us, Southwest Airlines Flight 5434. Japser Sitwell: Reroute it, like all the others. Techie: Right. Can I get the passengers some free drinks for the trouble? It'd be a nice gesture. Hold a sec... we got something outside the fence, west side... Japser Sitwell: DeLancey, Jackson - check it out. Agent Jackson: Looks like we're good here. Must have been another coyote. Agent Delancey: Jackson? Japser Sitwell: DeLancey, Jackson - report. Shield Agent: Agents down! We've got a perimeter breach! Japser Sitwell: Get Coulson. Erik Selvig: You've reached Dr. Erik Selvig. Please leave me a message. Jane Foster: Erik, okay, first of all, don't worry. I'm perfectly fine, really. But if you don't hear from me again, you might want to come out to the crater site and look for me. I kind of did what you said I shouldn't do. Thanks. Bye. Phil Coulson: I want eyes up high. With a gun. Now! Barton. Talk to me. Clint Barton: One shot, one kill, sir. Just give the word. Hello, handsome. Thor: You're big. Fought bigger. Jane Foster: No... Phil Coulson: Barton... ...hold your fire. Ground units, move in. Show's over. Jane Foster: I can't just leave him there. Erik Selvig: Why not? Jane Foster: You didn't see what happened. Darcy Lewis: Hey! Myeu-muh! Jane Foster: Where did you find this? Erik Selvig: In the children's section. I wanted to show you how ridiculous his story was. Jane Foster: Aren't you the one who's always told me to chase down all leads, all possibilities? Erik Selvig: I was talking about science, not magic! Jane Foster: Magic's just science we don't understand yet. Arthur C. Clarke. Erik Selvig: Who wrote science fiction. Jane Foster: The precursor of science fact. Erik Selvig: In some cases. Jane Foster: If that's really an Einstein-Rosen Bridge out there, then there's something on the other side. Advanced beings could have come through it before. Erik Selvig: Jane... Darcy Lewis: A primitive culture like the Vikings might have worshipped them as deities. Jane Foster: Yes! Exactly! Thank you! Erik Selvig: Jane, if you do this, you'll find yourself in a situation that I won't be able to get you out of this time. Darcy Lewis: I'll help you. Phil Coulson: It's not easy to do what you did. You made us all look like a bunch of mall cops. That's hurtful. The men you so easily subdued are highly-trained professionals, and in my experience, it takes someone who's received similar training to do what you did to them. Would you like to tell me where you received your training? Pakistan? Chechnya? Afghanistan? Then again, you strike me more as the soldier of fortune type. What was it, South Africa? Certain groups pay well for a good mercenary. Especially HYDRA. Who are you? Thor: Just a man. Phil Coulson: One way or another, we find out what we want to know. We're good at that. Loki: I thought he'd never leave. Thor: Loki? What are you doing here? Loki: I had to see you. Thor: What's happened? Tell me! Is it Jotunheim? Let me explain to FATHER- Loki: Father is dead. Thor: What? Loki: Your banishment, the threat of a new war, it was too much for him to bear. You mustn't blame yourself. I know that you loved him. I tried to tell him so, but he wouldn't listen. It was cruel to put the hammer within your reach, knowing you could never lift it. The burden of the throne has fallen to me now. Thor: Can I come home? Loki: The truce with Jotunheim is conditional upon your exile. Thor: But couldn't we find a way to- Loki: Mother has forbidden your return. This is goodbye, brother. I'm so sorry. Thor: No, I'm sorry. Loki... thank you for coming here. Loki: Nothing could have stopped me. Fare well, brother. Thor: Good-bye. Phil Coulson: Good-bye? I just got back. Now. Where did we leave off? Japser Sitwell: Sir... he's got a visitor. Phil Coulson: "Donald Blake?" Erik Selvig: Doctor Donald Blake. He's part of our team. Phil Coulson: You have dangerous coworkers, Dr. Selvig. Erik Selvig: Troubled, not dangerous. He was distraught when he found out that you'd taken all of our research. It was years of his life, gone! He got depressed, started drinking, and... well, you know the rest. Phil Coulson: Uh-huh. You mind if we take a moment to verify his identity? Erik Selvig: Certainly. You can understand how a man could go off like that. I mean, a big, faceless organization like yours, coming in with their jack-booted thugs and stealing private property... ...is how he described it. Phil Coulson: That doesn't explain how he managed to tear through our security. Erik Selvig: Steroids. He's a bit of a fitness nut. Phil Coulson: It says here he's an M.D. Erik Selvig: He is. That is, he was. He switched careers and became a physicist. He's quite brilliant, really. If you would just release him to me, I promise to keep an eye on him. Phil Coulson: Release Dr. Blake to Dr. Selvig here. Make sure he stays in town for the next few days in case we need to talk to him again. Erik Selvig: Thank you. Donny, Donny, Donny! There you are! It's going to be all right, my friend. Come on, I'm taking you home. Phil Coulson: Just keep him away from the bars. Erik Selvig: I will! Thor: Where are we going? Erik Selvig: To get a drink. Phil Coulson: Follow them. Laufey: Tell me why I shouldn't kill you. Loki: I've come alone and unarmed. Laufey: To what end? Loki: To make you another proposition. Laufey: So you're the one who let us into Asgard. Loki: You're welcome. Laufey: My men are dead, and I have no Casket. You are a deceiver. Loki: You have no idea what I am. Hello, Father. Laufey: Ah, the bastard son. I thought Odin had killed you. That's what I would have done. He's as weak as you are. Loki: No longer weak. I now rule Asgard, until Odin awakens. Perhaps you should not have so carelessly abandoned me. Laufey: Or perhaps it was the wisest choice I've ever made. I will hear you. Loki: I will conceal you and a handful of your soldiers, lead you into his chambers, and let you slay him where he lies. I'll keep the throne, and you will have the Casket. Laufey: Why would you do this? Loki: When all is done, we will have a permanent peace between our two worlds. Then I, the bastard son, will have accomplished what Odin and Thor never could. Laufey: This is a great day for Jotunheim. Asgard is finally ours. Loki: No. Asgard is mine. The rest of the Nine Realms will be yours, if you do as you're told. Laufey: I accept. Loki: What troubles you, Gatekeeper? Heimdall: I turned my gaze upon you in Jotunheim, but could neither see nor hear you. You were shrouded from me, like the Frost Giants who entered this Realm. Loki: Perhaps your senses have weakened after your many years of service. Heimdall: Or perhaps someone has found a way to hide that which he does not wish me to see. Loki: You have great power, Heimdall. Tell me, did Odin ever fear you? Heimdall: No. Loki: And why is that? Heimdall: Because he is my King, and I am sworn to obey him. Loki: Exactly. Just as you're sworn to obey me now. Yes? Heimdall: Yes. Loki: Good. Then you will open the Bifrost to no one until I have undone what my brother has started. Erik Selvig: Seems Darcy's a terrible intern, but a talented hacker. Thor: Thank you for what you've done. Erik Selvig: Don't thank me. I only did it for Jane. Thor: Are you in love with her? Erik Selvig: Of course not! Jane's like a daughter to me. Her father and I taught at University together. A good man, but he never listened. Thor: Neither did I. Erik Selvig: I don't know if you're really delusional, and I really don't care at this point. I just care about her. I've seen the way she looks at you. Thor: I swear to you, I mean her no harm. Erik Selvig: Good. If that's the case, then I'll buy you one more drink, and you'll leave town tonight. Thor: I had it all backwards. I had it all wrong. Erik Selvig: It's not a bad thing, finding out that you don't have all the answers. That's when you start asking the right questions. Thor: For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Erik Selvig: Anyone who's ever going to find their way in this world has to start by admitting they don't know where the hell they are. Drunk Townie: Hey, I know you, man... You were in the diner with that hot girl. I wouldn't mind her doing a little research on me. Thor: I have no quarrel with you. But she's a lady. You should be more respectful. Drunk Townie: And you should shut the hell up, princess. Thor: I will not fight him. Drunk Townie: Then it'll be easy to kick your ass. Erik Selvig: Gentlemen, please. Let's keep our heads. Another drink? Thor/Selvig: "The mood is good, our hearts are full, there's magic in the air. / It's all because we're here tonight, and haven't got a care. / So raise a glass, and toast to life, wherever it may lead / Tra-la- la, tra-la-la, a friend is fine indeed. / Tra-la-la, tra-la-la, a friend is fine indeed!" Jane Foster: Erik! Is he all right? Thor: He's fine. Not injured at all. Sorry, my friend. Jane Foster: What happened? Thor: We drank. We fought. He made his ancestors proud. Jane Foster: Put him on the bed. Erik Selvig: I still don't believe you're the God of Thunder. But you ought to be. Thor: These are your chambers? Jane Foster: Well, it's more of a temporary living space, really. I don't usually have visitors in here. Actually, never... Can we go outside? I come up here sometimes when I can't sleep. Or when I'm trying to reconcile particle data. Or when Darcy's driving me crazy. I come up here a lot, now that I think about it. I'm glad you're safe. Thor: You've been very kind. I've been far less grateful than you deserve. Jane Foster: I also hit you with my car a couple times, so it kind of evens out. I don't believe it... Thor: It was all I could get back. Not as much as I promised. I'm sorry. Jane Foster: No, this is good. Thank you. This means I don't have to start from scratch... Thor: What's wrong? Jane Foster: SHIELD, whatever they are. They're never going to let this research see the light of day. Thor: You must do this. You must finish what you've started. Jane Foster: Why? Thor: Because you're right. It's taken so many generations for your people to get to this point. You're nearly there. You just need someone to show you how close you really are. Look - your ancestors called it magic. You call it science. I come from a place where they're one and the same thing. Jane Foster: What is it? Thor: This is how my father explained it to me... Your world is one of the Nine Realms of the Cosmos, linked to each other by the branches of Yggdrasil, the Worlds Tree. Now, you see it every day, without realizing. Images glimpsed through - what did you call it?... this Hubble Telescope. So, Nine Realms... Fandral: Our dearest friend banished, Loki on the throne, Asgard on the brink of war, yet you manage to consume four wild boar, six pheasant, a side of beef, and two casks of ale. Shame on you! Don't you care?! Volstagg: Do not mistake my appetite for apathy. Sif: Stop it, both of you! We all know what we have to do, we're just too damned afraid to do it! Hogun: We must go. We must find Thor. Fandral: It's treason, Hogun. Volstagg: To hell with treason, it's suicide. Now, shh! Heimdall may be watching! It's said he can hear- Fandral: Yes, yes, we know! Sif: Thor would do the same for us. Einherjar Guard: Heimdall demands your presence. Volstagg: We're doomed. Erik Selvig: I need some coffee. Darcy Lewis: Thanks. Thor: You're very welcome. Agent Garrett: They want an update. Agent Cale: Tell them he's eating eggs. Agent Garrett: Scrambled or fried? Agent Cale: Target is eating eggs, sir. We'll keep you posted. Thor: May I have this? Darcy Lewis: Sure. Thor: Thank you. Excuse me a moment. To replace the one I broke. Please forgive my behavior. Isabela: Okay. Thank you. Thor: If I may, I'd like to come back for more of your "coffee." Isabela: Any time. She could do worse. Volstagg: Good Heimdall, less us explain- Heimdall: You would defy the commands of Loki our King, break every oath you have taken as warriors, and commit treason to bring Thor back? Sif: Yes, but- Heimdall: Good. Volstagg: So you'll help us? Heimdall: I am bound by honor to our King. I cannot open the Bifrost to you. Fandral: Complicated fellow, isn't he? Volstagg: Now what do we do? Sif: Look! Phil Coulson: What the hell was that? Techie: I don't know, sir. We got massive energy readings out of nowhere, then they just disappeared. Fifteen miles due northwest. Phil Coulson: Let's go take a look. Volstagg: He must have landed nearby. It's time to put our tracking skills to work. Spread out. Check the sand for indentations of his boot prints. Fandral: The winds would have blown them away by now. We should look for signs of a campfire. Sif: Or we could just start there. Fandral: It's worth a look, I suppose. Volstagg: There you go, lad! Is it just me, or does Earth look a little different to you? Sif: It has been a thousand years... Volstagg: Things change so fast here. You leave for a millennium, and it's like the whole neighborhood's gone. Perhaps we should split up. Agent Garrett: Is there a Renaissance Faire in town? Agent Cale: Call it in. Volstagg: Never cared for spies. Exquisite. Einherjar Guard: My liege, the Warriors Three and the Lady Sif have gone missing. Heimdall: Tell me, Loki, how did you get the Jotuns into Asgard? Loki: You think the Bifrost is the only way in and out of the Realm? There are secret paths between worlds to which even you with all your gifts are blind. But I have need of them no longer, now that I am King. And I say, for your act of treason, you are relieved of your duties as Gatekeeper. And you are no longer a citizen of Asgard. Heimdall: Then I need no longer obey you. Loki: Ensure my brother does not return. Volstagg: Found you! Thor: My friends! Erik Selvig: I don't believe it... Darcy Lewis: Who are they? Volstagg: Lady Sif and the Warriors Three. Surely you've heard tales of Hogun the Grim, Fandral the Dashing, and I, Volstagg the Svelte? Well, perhaps I've put on a little more muscle since I was here last. Jane Foster: That would have been a thousand years ago? Northern Europe? Volstagg: Exactly! Those lovely herring people. They worshipped us! Thor: My friends, I've never been happier to see anyone. But you should not have come. Fandral: We're here to take you home. Thor: You know I can't. My father is dead because of me. I must remain in exile. Sif: Thor... your father still lives. Phil Coulson: Get somebody from Linguistics out here. Darcy Lewis: Was somebody else coming? Shield Agent: Is that one of Stark's? Phil Coulson: I don't think so. But the guy doesn't tell me anything. Hello! You're using unregistered weapons technology. Please identify yourself. Incoming! Thor: Leave this town now. Get yourself and your friends to safety. Jane Foster: What about you? Thor: I must stay and fight. I'm still a warrior, and I will fight by your side. Volstagg: You're but a mortal now. You'll get yourself killed! Fandral: Or one of us, trying to protect you. Sif: The best thing you can do is get the mortals to safety and leave the battle to us. Thor: You're right. Help me clear the streets. I'll let none of these people die this day. Loki: Father. Welcome to Asgard. Sif: Keep him distracted. Fandral: What do you think? "The Svartalfheim Twist?" "Kiss of the Hag?" "Face Full of Boot?" Volstagg: "The Flying Mountain." Fandral: Not "The Flying Mountain!" It threw out my back for a year last time! Volstagg: Trust me, it'll work. Thor: My friends fight bravely, but they won't be able to hold it back much longer. Fandral: Come on! Volstagg: For Asgaaaaard!!! Jane Foster: Erik! Erik Selvig: Go! Leave me! Thor: Come on... give me one! Jane Foster: What are you doing? What is that? Erik Selvig: I'm really starting to like him. Thor: Go, while you can! Sif: But the others... Thor: You can't help them now. Your job is to survive. Sif: No! I will die a warrior's death. Stories will be told of this day- Thor: Live and tell those stories yourself. Get him out of here! Fandral: No. We can still fight! Thor: But not win. Move Volstagg, or he'll die! Don't worry, my friends. I have a plan. Brother... for whatever I have done to wrong you, whatever I have done to lead you to do this, I am sorry. But these people have done nothing to you. They are innocents. Take my life, and know I will never return to Asgard. Erik Selvig: Jane, no! Jane Foster: Oh. My. God. Phil Coulson: Donald... I don't think you've been completely honest with me. Darcy Lewis: So, how can you speak our language? Volstagg: Your language? Ha! Silly girl, you're speaking ours. Thor: Heimdall! Open the Bifrost! He would open it if he could. I fear the worst. Volstagg: Then we're trapped here forever. Fandral: Then I suppose we'd best start settling into our new lives. Are all earth maidens as fair as you? Darcy Lewis: No. Thor: Heimdall! Volstagg: Primitive. Good enough for hunting small game, I suppose. Fandral: Sorry, my love. These things happen. Thor: Know this, son of Coul. You and I, we fight for the same cause - the protection of this world. From this day forward, count me as your ally. If you return the items you have stolen from Jane Foster. Phil Coulson: Not stolen. Borrowed. You'll get your equipment back. You're going to need it to continue your research... which, after today's events, SHIELD would like to fully sponsor. If that's all right with you. Thor: Whatever fate lies before me, you are part of it. Get him to the healing room! Leave my brother to me. Laufey: It's said you can still see and hear what transpires around you, even in this state. I hope it's true, so that you may know your death came by the hand of Laufey. Loki: And your death came by the son of Odin. I swear to you, mother, they will pay for what they've done today. I will end the Jotun threat, now and forever! And I will make you proud. Frigga: Thor! Loki: Found its way back to you, did it? Thor: No thanks to you. Frigga: What? Thor: Why don't you tell her? How you sent the Destroyer to kill our friends? To kill me? Loki: It must have been enforcing Father's last command. Thor: You're a talented liar, brother. Always have been. Loki: It's good to have you back. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to destroy Jotunheim. Thor: Jotunheim... Loki: All these years, and no one's ever dared to use it as a weapon. You can't stop it. The Bifrost will build until it rips Jotunheim apart. Thor: Why have you done this? Loki: To do what Father never could. To destroy their kind forever. When he awakens, he'll see the wisdom of what I've done. Thor: He won't! You can't kill an entire race! Loki: What is this newfound love for the Frost Giants? You, who would have killed them all with your bare hands. Thor: I've changed. Loki: So have I. Fight me. Thor: Is the throne really worth what you've done? What you would become? Loki: I never wanted the throne. I only wanted to be your equal. Now fight me! Thor: I will not fight you, brother. Loki: I am not your brother. I never was. Thor: Loki, this is madness... Loki: Is it? What happened to you on earth that turned you so soft? Don't tell me it was a woman. It was. Erik Selvig: Jane? Jane Foster: Something's wrong. Loki: If you care so much for the Jotuns, then die with them. Thor! Help me! Please... I was always more clever than you. Thor: Yet still not clever enough. Loki: Look at you, the Mighty Thor. With all your strength, what good does it do you now? Stop! What are you doing?! If you destroy the Bridge, you'll never see her again! Thor: Forgive me. No! Odin: It is over. Jane Foster: It's gone. Volstagg: ...and then, with a mighty bellow, I flew at the great metal beast and laid it low... Fandral: Is that another way of saying you fell on your huge a- Volstagg: As a matter of fact, falling down was a tactic. Lulling the Destroyer into a false sense of security! Fandral: Well, I was the one who had to drag your enormous carcass off the battlefield. That makes me the real hero. Doesn't it, Hogun? Hogun: Big stomach. Big mouth. Fandral: Well, how about that? A smile! I'd say that calls for another drink! Sif: My Queen. I am so sorry for your loss. Frigga: Thank you, Sif. How is he? Sif: He mourns for his brother. And he misses her. The mortal. Frigga: He will need his friends now more than ever. Sif: I will always be at his side. Odin: You'll be a wise King. Thor: There will never be a wiser king than you. Or a better father. I have much to learn. I know that now. But some day, perhaps, I will make you proud. Odin: You've already made me proud. Thor: Can you see her? Heimdall: Yes. Thor: How is she? Darcy Lewis: Here you go. Jane Foster: Thanks. Darcy Lewis: He would have come back if he could. Jane Foster: I know. But if he can't get here on his own... ...maybe we can help him find his way back.

Search Team Leader: Are you the guys from Washington? Shield Tech: You get many other visitors out here? Shield Lieutenant: How long have you been on site? Search Team Leader: Since this morning. A Russian oil team called it in about 18 hours ago. Shield Lieutenant: How come nobody spotted it before? Search Team Leader: It's really not that surprising. This landscape's changing all the time. You got any ideas what this thing is exactly? Shield Lieutenant: I don't know. It's probably a weather balloon. Search Team Leader: I don't think so. You know we don't have the equipment for a job like this. Shield Tech: How long before we can start craning it out? Search Team Leader: I don't think you quite understand. You guys are gonna need one hell of a crane! Shield Lieutenant: Base, we're in. What is this? Careful. Shield Tech: Lieutenant! What is it? Shield Lieutenant: My God! Base, give me a line to the Colonel. Voice From Earpiece: It's 3 a.m., sir. Shield Lieutenant: I don't care what time it is. This one's waited long enough. Jan: They have come for it! Tower Keeper: They have before. Jan: Not like this. Tower Keeper: Let them come. They will never find it. Hydra Lieutenant: Open it! Quickly, before he... Red Skull: It has taken me a long time to find this place. You should be commended. Help him up. I think that you are man of great vision. And in this way we are much alike. Tower Keeper: I am nothing like you. Red Skull: No, of course. But what others see as superstition, you and I know to be a science. Tower Keeper: What you seek is just a legend. Red Skull: Then why make such an effort to conceal it? The Tesseract was the jewel of Odin's treasure room. It's not something one buries. But I think it is close, yes? Tower Keeper: I cannot help you. Red Skull: No. But maybe you can help your village. You must have some friends out there. Some... some little grandchildren perhaps. I have no need for them to die. Yggdrasil. Tree of the world. Guardian of wisdom and fate, also. And the Führer digs for trinkets in the desert. You have never seen this, have you? Tower Keeper: It's not for the eyes of ordinary men. Red Skull: Exactly. Gove the order to open fire. Hydra Lieutenant: Jawohl! Tower Keeper: Fool! You cannot control the power you hold. You will burn! Red Skull: I already have. 4F Doctor: O'Connel, Michael. Kaminsky, Henry. Steve Rogers: Boy, a lot of guys getting killed over there. 4F Doctor: Rogers, Steven. Enlistment Guy: It kind of makes you think twice about enlisting, huh? Steve Rogers: Nope. 4F Doctor: Rogers. What did your father die of? Steve Rogers: Mustard gas. He was in the hundred and seventh infantry. I was hoping I could be assigned... 4F Doctor: Your mother? Steve Rogers: She was a nurse in a TB ward. Got hit, couldn't shake it. 4F Doctor: Sorry, son. Steve Rogers: Look, just give me a chance. 4F Doctor: You'd be ineligible on your asthma alone. Steve Rogers: Is there anything you can do? 4F Doctor: I'm doing it. I'm saving your life. Commercial Announcer: War continues to ravage Europe. But help is on the way. Every able-bodied young man is lining up to serve his country. Even little Timmy is doing his part collecting scrap metal. Nice work, Timmy! Loud Jerk: Who cares? Play the movie already! Steve Rogers: Hey, you wanna show some respect? Commercial Announcer: Meanwhile, overseas, our brave boys are showing the Axis powers that the price freedom is never too high. Loud Jerk: Let's got! Get on with it! Hey, just start the cartoon! Steve Rogers: Hey buddy, you wanna shut up?! Commercial Announcer: Together with Allied forces, we'll face any threat, no matter the size. Loud Jerk: You just don't know when to give up, do you? Steve Rogers: I can do this all day. Bucky Barnes: Hey! Pick on someone your own size. Sometimes, I think you like getting punched. Steve Rogers: I had him on the ropes. Bucky Barnes: How many times is this? Oh, you're from Paramus now? You know it's illegal to lie on the enlistment form. And seriously, Jersey? Steve Rogers: You get your orders? Bucky Barnes: The one-o-seventh. Sergeant James Barnes. Shipping out for England first thing tomorrow. Steve Rogers: I should be going. Bucky Barnes: Come on, man. My last night! Gotta get you cleaned up. Steve Rogers: Why? Where are we going? Bucky Barnes: The future. I don't see what the problem is. You're about to be the last eligible man in New York. You know, there's three and a half million women here. Steve Rogers: Well, I'd settle for just one. Bucky Barnes: Good thing I took care of that. Connie: Hey, Bucky! Steve Rogers: What did you tell her about me? Bucky Barnes: Only the good stuff. Expo Announcer: Welcome to the Modern Marvels Paviliion and the World of Tomorrow. A greater world. A better world. Connie: Oh, my God! It's starting! Mandy: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Howard Stark! Random Woman: I love you, Howard! Howard Stark: Ladies and gentlemen, what if I told you that in just a few short years, your automobile won't even have to touch the ground at all. Yes. Thanks, Mandy. With Stark robotic reversion technology, you'll be able to do just that. Bucky Barnes: Holy cow. Howard Stark: I did say a few years, didn't I? Bucky Barnes: Hey, Steve, what do you say we treat these girls... Woman: Come on, soldier. Bucky Barnes: Come on. You're kind of missing the point of a double date. We're taking the girls dancing. Steve Rogers: You go ahead. I'll catch up with you. Bucky Barnes: You're really gonna do this again? Steve Rogers: Well, it's a fair. I'm gonna try my luck. Bucky Barnes: As who? Steve from Ohio? They'll catch you. Or worse, they'll actually take you. Steve Rogers: Look, I know you don't think I can do this. Bucky Barnes: This isn't a back alley, Steve. It's war! Steve Rogers: I know it's a war. You don't have to tell me. Bucky Barnes: Why are you so keen to fight? There are so many important jobs. Steve Rogers: What am I gonna do? Collect scrap metal... Bucky Barnes: Yes! Steve Rogers: ...in my little red wagon. Bucky Barnes: Why not? Steve Rogers: I'm not gonna sit in a factory, Bucky. Bucky Barnes: I don't... Steve Rogers: Bucky, come on! There are men laying down their lives. I got no right to do any less than them. That's what you don't understand. This isn't about me. Bucky Barnes: Right. Cause you got nothing to prove. Connie: Hey, Sarge! Are we going dancing? Bucky Barnes: Yes, we are. Don't do anything stupid until I get back. Steve Rogers: How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you. Bucky Barnes: You're a punk. Steve Rogers: Jerk. Be careful. Don't win the war till I get there! Bucky Barnes: Come on girls. They're playing our song. Young Doctor: Wait here. Steve Rogers: Is there a problem? Young Doctor: Just wait here. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Thank you. So, you want to go overseas. Kill some Nazis. Steve Rogers: Excuse me? Dr. Abraham Erskine: Dr. Abraham Erskine. I represent the Strategic Scientific Reserve. Steve Rogers: Steve Rogers. Where are you from? Dr. Abraham Erskine: Queens. 73rd Street and Utopia Parkway. Before that, Germany. This troubles you? Steve Rogers: No. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Where are you from, Mr. Rogers? Mmm? Is it New Haven? Or Paramus? Five exams in five different cities. Steve Rogers: That might not be the right file. Dr. Abraham Erskine: No, it's not the exams I'm interested in. It's the five tries. But you didn't answer my question. Do you want to kill Nazis? Steve Rogers: Is this a test? Dr. Abraham Erskine: Yes. Steve Rogers: I don't wanna kill anyone. I don't like bullies. I don't care where they're from. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Well, there are already so many big men fighting this war. Maybe what we need now is the little guy, huh? I can offer you a chance. Only a chance. Steve Rogers: I'll take it. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Good. So where is the little guy from, actually? Steve Rogers: Brooklyn. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Congratulations, soldier. Red Skull: Are you ready, Dr. Zola? Dr. Arnim Zola: My machine requires the most delicate calibration. Forgive me if I seem overcautious. Red Skull: And are you certain that those conductors of yours can withstand the energy surge long enough for a transference? Dr. Arnim Zola: With this artifact, I am certain of nothing. I fear it may not work at all. Twenty percent. Forty. Sixty. Stabilising at 70%. Red Skull: I have not come all this way for safety, Doctor. Dr. Arnim Zola: What is that? Red Skull: I must congratulate you, Arnim. Your designs do not disappoint. Though they may require some slight reinforcement. Dr. Arnim Zola: The exchange is stable. Amazing! The energy we have just collected could power my design, all my designs. This will change the war. Red Skull: Dr. Zola, this will change the world. Officer: Ready, exercise! Peggy Carter: Recruits, attention! Gentlemen, I'm Agent Carter. I supervise all operations for this division. Gilmore Hodge: What's with the accent, Queen Victoria? Thought I was signing up for the U.S. Army. Peggy Carter: What's your name, soldier? Gilmore Hodge: Gilmore Hodge, your Majesty. Peggy Carter: Step forward, Hodge. Put your right foot forward. Gilmore Hodge: Mmm... We gonna wrassle? Cause I got a few moves I know you'll like. Col. Chester Phillips: Agent Carter. Peggy Carter: Colonel Phillips. Col. Chester Phillips: I see you're breaking in the candidates. That's good! Get your ass up out of that dirt and stand in that line at attention 'til somebody comes tells you what to do. Gilmore Hodge: Yes, sir. Col. Chester Phillips: General Patton has said that wars are fought with weapons but they are won by men. We are going to win this war because we have the best men... And because they're gonna get better. Much better. The Strategic Scientific Reserve is an Allied effort made up of the best minds in the free world. Our goal is to create the best army in history. But every army starts with one man. At the end of this week we will choose that man. He will be the first in a new breed of super-soldiers. Sergeant Duffy: Rogers! Get that rifle out of the mud! Col. Chester Phillips: And they, will personally escort Adolf Hitler to the gates of Hell. Sergeant Duffy: Pick up the pace, ladies! Let's go! Double time! Come on! Faster! Faster! Move! Move! Squad, halt! That flag means we're only at the halfway point. First man to bring it to me gets a ride back with Agent Carter. Move, move! Soldiers: Come on! Get up there! Sergeant Duffy: If that's all you got, this army's in trouble! Get up there, Hodge! Come on! Get up there! Nobody's got that flag in 17 years! Now fall back into line! Come on, fall in! Let's go! Get back into formation! Rogers! I said fall in! Steve Rogers: Thank you, sir. Peggy Carter: Faster, ladies! Come on. My grandmother has more life in her, God rest her soul. Move it! Col. Chester Phillips: You're not really thinking about picking Rogers, are you? Dr. Abraham Erskine: I am more than just thinking about it. He is the clear choice. Col. Chester Phillips: When you brought a ninety-pound asthmatic onto my army base, I let it slide. I thought, what the hell? Maybe he'll be useful to you, like a gerbil. I never thought you'd pick him. Peggy Carter: Up. Col. Chester Phillips: You stick a needle in that kids arm and it's gonna go right through him. Peggy Carter: Come on, girls. Col. Chester Phillips: Look at that. He's making me cry. Dr. Abraham Erskine: I am looking for qualities beyond the physical. Col. Chester Phillips: Do you know how long it took to set up this project? Dr. Abraham Erskine: Yeah, I know. Col. Chester Phillips: All the groveling I had to do in front of Senator What's-His-Name's committees? Dr. Abraham Erskine: Brandt. Yes, I know. I am well aware of your efforts. Col. Chester Phillips: Then throw me a bone. Hodge passed every test we gave him. He's big, he's fast, he obeys orders. He's a soldier. Dr. Abraham Erskine: He's a bully. Col. Chester Phillips: You don't win wars with niceness, doctor. You win war with guts. Grenade! Steve Rogers: Get away! Get back! Officer: It was a dummy grenade. All clear. Back in formation. Steve Rogers: Is this is a test? Col. Chester Phillips: He's still skinny. Dr. Abraham Erskine: May I? Steve Rogers: Yeah. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Can't sleep? Steve Rogers: I got the jitters, I guess. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Me, too. Steve Rogers: Can I ask you a question? Dr. Abraham Erskine: Just one? Steve Rogers: Why me? Dr. Abraham Erskine: I suppose that is the only question that matters. This is from Augsburg. My city. So many people forget that the first country that the Nazi's invaded was their own. You know, after the last war the... my people struggled. They... they felt weak. They felt small. And then Hitler comes along with the marching and the big show and the flags and the... and the... And he... he hears of me, my work and he finds me. And he says, "You." He says, "You will make us strong." Well, I am not interested. So he sends the head of HYDRA, his research division. A brilliant scientist by the name of Johann Schmidt. Now, Schmidt is a member of the inner circle and he's ambitious. He and Hitler share a passion for occult power and Teutonic myth. Hitler uses his fantasies to inspire his followers. But for Schmidt, it is not fantasy. For him, it is real. He has become convinced that there is a great power hidden in the earth, left here by the Gods, waiting to be seized by a superior man. So when he hears about my formula and what it can do, he cannot resist. Schmidt must become that superior man. Steve Rogers: Did it make him stronger? Dr. Abraham Erskine: Yeah. But, there were other effects. The serum was not ready. But more important, the man. The serum amplifies everything that is inside. So, good becomes great. Bad becomes worse. This is why you were chosen. Because a strong man, who has known power all his life, will lose respect for that power. But a weak man knows the value of strength, and knows compassion. Steve Rogers: Thanks. I think. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Whatever happens tomorrow, you must promise me one thing. That you will stay who you are. Not a perfect soldier, but a good man. Steve Rogers: To the little guys. Dr. Abraham Erskine: No! No! Wait! Wait! What I am doing? No! You have a procedure tomorrow. No fluids. Steve Rogers: All right. We'll drink it after. Dr. Abraham Erskine: No! I don't have procedure tomorrow. Drink it after? Drink it now! Red Skull: Is there something in particular you need? Dr. Arnim Zola: I understand you found him. Red Skull: See for yourself. You disapprove. Dr. Arnim Zola: I just don't see why you need concern yourself. I can't imagine he will succeed. Again. Red Skull: His serum is the Allies' only defence against this power we now possess. If we take it away from them, then our victory is assured. Dr. Arnim Zola: Shall I give the order? Red Skull: It has been given. Dr. Arnim Zola: Good. Red Skull: Dr. Zola. What do you think? Dr. Arnim Zola: A masterpiece. Steve Rogers: I know this neighborhood. I got beat up in that alley. And that parking lot. And behind that diner. Peggy Carter: Did you have something against running away? Steve Rogers: You start running they'll never let you stop. You stand up, push back. Can't say no forever, right? Peggy Carter: I know a little of what that's like. To have every door shut in your face. Steve Rogers: I guess I just don't why you'd wanna join the army if you're a beautiful dame. Or a beautiful... a woman. An agent, not a dame! You are beautiful, but... Peggy Carter: You have no idea how to talk to a woman, do you? Steve Rogers: This is the longers conversation I've had with one. Women aren't exactly lining up to dance with a guy they might step on. Peggy Carter: You must have danced? Steve Rogers: Well, asking a woman to dance always seems so terrifying. And the past few years just didn't seem to matter that much. Figured I'd wait. Peggy Carter: For what? Steve Rogers: The right partner. Peggy Carter: This way. Steve Rogers: What are we doing here? Peggy Carter: Follow me. Antique Store Owner: Wonderful weather this morning isn't it? Peggy Carter: Yes, but I always carry an umbrella. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Good morning. Please, not now. Are you ready? Good. Take off your shirt, your tie and your hat. Col. Chester Phillips: Senator Brandt, glad you could make it. Senator Brandt: Why exactly am I in Brooklyn? Col. Chester Phillips: We needed access to the city's power grid. Of course, if you'd given me the generators I requisitioned... Senator Brandt: A lot of people are asking for funds, Colonel. Oh, this is... Heinz Kruger: Fred Clemson, State Department. If this project of yours comes through, we'd like to see it used for something other than headlines. Senator Brandt: Jesus. Somebody get that kid a sandwich. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Comfortable? Steve Rogers: It's a little big. You save me any of that schnapps? Dr. Abraham Erskine: Not as much as I should have. Sorry. Next time. Mr. Stark, how are your levels? Howard Stark: Levels at 100%. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Good. Howard Stark: We may dim half the lights in Brooklyn, but we are ready as we'll ever be. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Agent Carter? Don't you think you would be more comfortable in the booth? Peggy Carter: Oh, yes. Of course. Sorry. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Good. Do you hear me? is this on? Ladies and gentlemen, today we take not another step towards annihilation, but the first step on the path to peace. We begin with a series of micro injections into the subjects major muscle groups. The serum infusion will cause immediate cellular change. And then to stimulate growth, the subject will be saturated with Vita-Rays. Steve Rogers: That wasn't so bad. Dr. Abraham Erskine: That was penicillin. Serum infusion beginning in five, four, three, two, one. Now, Mr. Stark. Steven, can you hear me? Steve Rogers: It's probably too late to go to the bathroom, right? Dr. Abraham Erskine: We will proceed. Howard Stark: That's ten percent. Twenty percent. Thirty. That's 40 %. Ssr Doctor: Vital signs are normal. Howard Stark: That's 50 %. Sixty. Seventy. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Steven! Peggy Carter: Shut it down. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Steven! Peggy Carter: Shut it down! Dr. Abraham Erskine: Kill the reactor, Mr. Stark! Turn it off! Kill it! Kill the reactor! Steve Rogers: No! Don't! I can do this! Howard Stark: Eighty. Ninety. That's 100 %. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Mr. Stark? Steven. Steven. Col. Chester Phillips: The son of a bitch did it. Steve Rogers: I did it. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Yeah, yeah. I think we did it. Howard Stark: We actually did it. Peggy Carter: How do you feel? Steve Rogers: Taller. Peggy Carter: You look taller. Col. Chester Phillips: How do you like Brooklyn now, Senator? Senator Brandt: I can think of some folks in Berlin who are about to get very nervous. Congratulations, Doctor. Dr. Abraham Erskine: Thank you, sir. Stop him! Taxi Driver: What are you doing? Buddy, are you all right? Hey, this guy's been shot! Steve Rogers: Sorry! I'm sorry. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Mother: No! No! Not my son! Young Boy: Stop it! Mother: Don't hurt him! Heinz Kruger: Get back! Young Boy: Let me go! Mother: Let go of my son! Don't hurt him! Steve Rogers: Wait, don't! Don't! No! Don't! Young Boy: Go get him! I can swim! Steve Rogers: Who the hell are you? Heinz Kruger: The first of many. Cut off one head, two more shall take its place. Hail HYDRA! Hutter: The Führer is not accustomed to being ignored, Herr Schmidt. He funds your research because you promised him weapons. Schneider: You serve at his pleasure. He gave you this facility as a reward for your injuries. Red Skull: Reward? Call it what it is. Exile. I no longer reflect his image of Aryan perfection. Roeder: You think this is about appearances? Your HYDRA division has failed to deliver so much as a rifle in over a year. And we had learned through local intelligence you had mounted a full-scale incursion into Norway. Schneider: The Führer feels... How does he put it? "The Red Skull has been indulged long enough!" Red Skull: Gentlemen, you have come to see the results of our work. Let me show you. Hitler speaks of a thousand-year Reich, but he cannot feed his army for a month. His troops spill their blood across every field in Europe. But still he is no closer to achieving his goals. Roeder: And I suppose you still aim to end this war through magic? Red Skull: Science. But I understand your confusion. Great power has always baffled primitive men. HYDRA is assembling an arsenal to destroy my enemies in one stroke. Where ever they are, regardless of how many forces they possess. All in a matter of hours. Roeder: Your enemies? Red Skull: My weapons contain enough destructive power to decimate every hostile capital on earth. Quite simply, gentlemen, I have harnessed the power of the Gods. Schneider: Thank you, Schmidt. Red Skull: For what? Schneider: For making it clear how obviously mad you are. Hutter: Berlin is on this map! Red Skull: So it is. Hutter: You will be punished for your insolence! You will be brought before the Führer himself! Roeder: Schmidt!!! Red Skull: My apolpgies, Doctor, but we both knew HYDRA could grow no further in Hitler's shadow. Hail HYDRA. Hydra Technicians: Hail HYDRA! Dr. Arnim Zola: Hail HYDRA! Steve Rogers: Think you got enough? Peggy Carter: Any hope of reproducing a program is locked in your genetic code. But without Dr. Erskine, it could take years. Steve Rogers: He deserved more than this. Peggy Carter: If it could only work once, he'd be proud it was you. Senator Brandt: Colonel Phillips, my committee is demanding answers. Col. Chester Phillips: Great. Why don't we start with how a German spy got a ride to my secret installation in your car? What have we got here? Howard Stark: Speaking modestly, I'm the best mechanical engineer in this country. But I don't know what's inside this thing or how it works. We're not even close to this technology. Senator Brandt: Then who is? Col. Chester Phillips: HYDRA. I'm sure you've been reading our briefings. Senator Brandt: I'm on a number of committees, Colonel. Peggy Carter: HYDRA is the Nazi deep science division. It's led by Johann Schmidt. But he has much bigger ambitions. Col. Chester Phillips: HYDRA's practically a cult. They worship Schmidt, they think he's invincible. Senator Brandt: So what are you gonna do about it? Col. Chester Phillips: Spoke to the president this morning. As of today the SSR is being retasked. Peggy Carter: Colonel? Col. Chester Phillips: We are taking the fight to HYDRA. Pack your bags Agent Carter. You too, Stark. You're flying to London tonight. Steve Rogers: Sir, if you're going after Schmidt, I want in. Col. Chester Phillips: You're an experiment. You're going to Alamogordo. Steve Rogers: The serum worked. Col. Chester Phillips: I asked for an army and all I got was you. You are not enough. Senator Brandt: With all due respect to the Colonel, I think we may be missing the point. I've seen you in action, Steve. More importantly, the country's seen it. Paper. The enlistment lines have been around the block since your picture hit the newsstands. You don't take a soldier, a symbol like that, and hide him in a lab. Son, do you want to serve your country on the most important battlefield of the war? Steve Rogers: Sir, that's all I want. Senator Brandt: Then, congratulations. You just got promoted. Steve Rogers: I don't know if I can do this. Brandt’S Aide: Nothing to it. Sell off a few bonds, bonds buy bullets, bullets kills Nazi's. Bing bang boom. You're an American hero. Steve Rogers: It's just not how I pictured getting there. Brandt’S Aide: The senator's got a lot of pull up on the hill. You play ball with us, you'll be leading your own platoon in no time. Take the shield. Uso Singer: Who's strong and brave, here to save the American way? Steve Rogers: Not all of us can storm a beach or drive a tank. But there's still a way all of us can fight. Uso Singer: Who vows to fight like a man, for what's right, night and day? Steve Rogers: Series E Defence Bonds. Each one you buy is a bullet in the barrel of your best guy's gun. Uso Singer: Who will campaign door-to-door for America? Carry the flag shore to shore for America? From Hoboken to Spokane, the star-spangeld man with a plan. Director: Cut. Guys, don't look ath the camera. Uso Singer: We can't ignore there's a threat and a war we must win. Steve Rogers: Each one you buy is a bullet in the barrel of your best guy's gun. Uso Singer: Who'll hang a noose on the goose-stepping goons from Berlin? Who will redeem, heed the call for America? Who'll rise or fall, give his all for America? Who's here to prove that we can? The star-spangled man with a plan. Steve Rogers: We all know this is about trying to win the war. We can't do that without bullets and bandages, tanks and tents. That's where you come in. Every bond you buy will help protect someone you love. Kids In Uso Audience: Turn around! He's right behind you! Steve Rogers: Keep our boys armed and ready, and the Germans will think twice about trying to get the drop on us. Uso Singer: Stalwart and steady and true, forcefull and ready to defend, the red, white, and blue. Who'll give the Axis the sack and is smart as a fox? Far as an eagle will soar. Who's making Adolf afraid to step out of his box? He knows what we're fighting for. Who waked the giant that napped in America? We know it's no one but Captain America. Who'll finish what they began? Who'll kick the Krauts to Japan? The star-spangled man with a aplan! Steve Rogers: How many of you ready to help me sock old Adolf on the jaw? Okay. Uh... I need a volunteer. Army Heckler#1: I already volunteered! How do you think I got here? Bring back the girls! Steve Rogers: I think they only know the one song. But um...let me...I'll...I'll see what I can do. Army Heckler#1: You do that, sweetheart. Army Heckler#2: Nice boots, Tinker Bell! Steve Rogers: Come on, guys. We're all on the same team here. Army Heckler#3: Hey, Captain! Sign this! Army Heckler#4: Bring back the girls! Brandt’S Aide: Don't worry, pal. They'll warm up to you. Don't worry. Peggy Carter: Hello, Steve. Steve Rogers: Hi. Peggy Carter: Hi. Steve Rogers: What are you doin' here? Peggy Carter: Officially I'm not here at all. That was quite a performance. Steve Rogers: Yeah. Uh... I had to improvise a little bit. Crowds I'm used to are usually more uh... twelve. Peggy Carter: I understand you're "America's New Hope"? Steve Rogers: Bond sales take a ten percent bump in every state I visit. Peggy Carter: Is that Senator Brandt I hear? Steve Rogers: At least he's got me doin' this. Phillips would have had be stuck in lab. Peggy Carter: And these are your only two options? A lab rat or a dancing monkey? You were meant for more than this, you know? What? Steve Rogers: You know for the longest time I dreamed about coming overseas and being on the front lines. Serving my country. I finally get everything I wanted, and I'm wearing tights. They look like they've been through hell. Peggy Carter: These men more than most. Schmidt sent out a force to Azzano. Two hundred men went up against him and less than fifty returned. Your audience contained what was left of the one-oh-seventh. The rest were killed or captured. Steve Rogers: The one-oh-seventh? Peggy Carter: What? Steve Rogers: Come on! Colonel Phillips. Col. Chester Phillips: Well, if it isn't the Star-Spangled Man With A Plan. And what is your plan today? Steve Rogers: I need the casualty list from Azzano. Col. Chester Phillips: You don't get to give me orders, son. Steve Rogers: I just need one name. Sergeant James Barnes from the hundred and seventh. Col. Chester Phillips: You and I are gonna have a conversation later that you won't enjoy. Steve Rogers: Please tell me if he's alive, sir. B-A-R... Col. Chester Phillips: I can spell. I have signed more of these condolence letters today than I would care to count. But the name does sound familiar. I'm sorry. Steve Rogers: What about the others? Are you planning a rescue mission? Col. Chester Phillips: Yeah! It's called winning the war. Steve Rogers: But if you know where they are, why not at least...? Col. Chester Phillips: They're thirty miles behind the lines. Through the most heavily fortified territory in Europe. We'd lose more men than we'd save. But I don't expect you to understand that, because you're a chorus girl. Steve Rogers: I think I understand just fine. Col. Chester Phillips: Well then understand it somewhere else. If I read the posters correctly, you got some place to be in thirty minutes. Steve Rogers: Yes, sir. I do. Col. Chester Phillips: If you have something to say, right now is the perfect time to keep it to yourself. Peggy Carter: What do you plan to do? Walk to Austria? Steve Rogers: If that's what it takes. Peggy Carter: You heard the Colonel, your friend is most likely dead. Steve Rogers: You don't know that. Peggy Carter: Even so, he's devising a strategy. If he detects... Steve Rogers: By the time he's done that, it could be too late! You told me you thought I was meant for more than this. Did you mean that? Peggy Carter: Every word. Steve Rogers: Then you gotta let me go. Peggy Carter: I can do more than that. Brandt’S Aide: On stage, girls. Five minutes! Uso Girl: Where's my helmet? Brandt’S Aide: Has anyone seen Rogers? Peggy Carter: The HYDRA camp is in Krausberg, tucked between these two mountain ranges. It's a factory of some kind. Howard Stark: We should be able to drop you right on the doorstep. Steve Rogers: Just get me as close as you can. You know, you two are gonna be in a lot of trouble at the lab. Peggy Carter: And you won't? Steve Rogers: Where I'm goin', if anybody yells at me I can just shoot 'em. Peggy Carter: They will undoubtedly shoot back. Steve Rogers: Well, let's hope it's good for somethin'. Howard Stark: Agent Carter, if we're not in too much of a hurry I thought we could stop off in Lucerne for a late night fondue. Peggy Carter: Stark is the best civilian pilot I've ever seen. He's mad enough to brave this airspace, we're lucky to have him. Steve Rogers: So are you two...? Do you...? Fondue? Peggy Carter: This is your transponder. Activate it when you're ready and the signal will lead us straight to you. Steve Rogers: Are you sure this thing works? Howard Stark: It's been tested more than you, pal. Peggy Carter: Get back here! We're taking you all the way in. Steve Rogers: As soon as I'm free, you turn this thing around and get the hell outta here! Peggy Carter: You can't give me orders! Steve Rogers: The hell I can't! I'm a Captain! Dr. Arnim Zola: As you can see, production of the Valkyrie is progressing on schedule, even with components of this size. Red Skull: Increase the output by 60 % and see to it our other facilities do the same. Dr. Arnim Zola: But the prisoners, I'm not sure they have the strength. Red Skull: Then use up what strength they have left, Doctor. There are always more workers. Dr. Arnim Zola: Not now! Dum Dum Dugan: You know, Fritz, one of these days, I'm gonna have a stick of my own. Steve Rogers: Fellas. Hydra Guards: Ah! Gabe Jones: Who are you supposed to be? Steve Rogers: I'm... Captain America. James Montgomery Falsworth: I beg your pardon? Dum Dum Dugan: What, are we taking everybody? Jim Morita: I'm from Fresno, Ace. Steve Rogers: Is there anybody else? I'm looking for a Sergeant James Barnes. James Montgomery Falsworth: There's an isolation ward in the factory, but no one's ever come back from it. Steve Rogers: All right. The tree line is northwest, 80 yards past the gate. Get out fast and give 'em hell. I'll meet you guys in the clearing with anybody else I find. Gabe Jones: Wait! You know what you're doin'? Steve Rogers: Yeah. I've knocked out Adolf Hitler over two hundred times. Jim Morita: You know how to use that thing? Okay. Red Skull: What is happening? Dum Dum Dugan: Hey. Not exactly a Buick. Gabe Jones: That one. Zündung. Dum Dum Dugan: Zündung? James Montgomery Falsworth: Get this thing going, Dugan! Dum Dum Dugan: I didn't know you spoke German. Gabe Jones: Three semesters at Howards, switched to French, girls much cuter. Dum Dum Dugan: Didn't ask for the resume. Dr. Arnim Zola: No, no! What are you doing? Red Skull: Our forces are outmatched. Jim Morita: Keep moving! Grab those grenades! Bucky Barnes: Sergeant. 32557... Steve Rogers: Bucky? Oh, my God. Bucky Barnes: Is that... Steve Rogers: It's me. It's Steve. Bucky Barnes: Steve? Steve Rogers: Come on. Bucky Barnes: Steve. Steve Rogers: I thought you were dead. Bucky Barnes: I thought you were smaller. Steve Rogers: Come on. Bucky Barnes: What happened to you? Steve Rogers: I joined the Army. Bucky Barnes: Did it hurt? Steve Rogers: A little. Bucky Barnes: Is it permanent? Steve Rogers: So far. Red Skull: Captain America! How exciting! I'm a great fan of your films. So Dr. Erskine managed it after all. Not exactly an improvement, but still impressive. Steve Rogers: You've got no idea. Red Skull: Haven't I? No matter what lies Erskine told you, you see I was his greatest success! Bucky Barnes: You don't have one of those, do you? Red Skull: You are deluded, Captain. You pretend to be a simple soldier, but in reality you are just afraid to admit that we have left humanity behind. Unlike you, I embrace it proudly. Without fear! Steve Rogers: Then how come you're running? Come on, let's go. Up. Dr. Arnim Zola: Sir? Are we going to the roof? What about me? Where will I sit? Red Skull: Not a scratch, Doctor. Not a scratch. Steve Rogers: Let's go. One at a time. Bucky Barnes: Gotta be a rope or something! Steve Rogers: Just go! Get out of here! Bucky Barnes: No! Not without you! Col. Chester Phillips: Senator Brandt, I regret to report that Captain Steven G. Rogers went missing behind enemy lines on the third. Aerial reconnaissance has proven unfruitful. As a result, I must declare Captain Rogers killed in action. Period. Peggy Carter: The last surveillance flight is back. No sign of activity. Col. Chester Phillips: Go get a cup of coffee, Corporal. Corporal: Yes, sir. Col. Chester Phillips: I can't touch Stark. He's rich and he's the Army's number one weapons contractor. You are neither one. Peggy Carter: With respect, sir, I don't regret my actions. And I don't think Captain Rogers did either. Col. Chester Phillips: What makes you think I give a damn about your opinions. I took a chance with you, Agent Carter. And now America's golden boy and a lot of other good men are dead, cause you had a crush. Peggy Carter: It wasn't that. I had faith. Col. Chester Phillips: Well, I hope that's a big comfort to you when they shut this division down. What the hell's going on out there? Man#1: Look who it is! Steve Rogers: Some of theres men need medical attention. Man#2: Medic, we got wounded. Steve Rogers: I'd like to surrender myself for disciplinary action. Col. Chester Phillips: That won't be necessary. Steve Rogers: Yes, sir. Col. Chester Phillips: Faith, huh? Peggy Carter: You're late. Steve Rogers: Couldn't call my ride. Bucky Barnes: Hey! Let's hear it for Captain America. Senator Brandt: I am honoured to present this medal for valour to my personal friend, Captain America! Captain America! Captain, that's your cue! General: I thought he'd be taller. Steve Rogers: The fifth one was here in Poland, right near the Baltic. And the sixth one was... about here, 30, 40 miles west of the Maginot Line. I just got a quick look. Peggy Carter: Well, nobody's perfect. Steve Rogers: These are the weapon factories we know about. Sergeant Barnes said that Hydra shipped all the parts to another facility that isn't on this map. Col. Chester Phillips: Agent Carter, coordinate with MI6. I want every Allied eyeball looking for that main Hydra base. Peggy Carter: What about us? Col. Chester Phillips: We are gonna set a fire under Johann Schmidt's ass. What do you say, Rogers? It's your map, you think you can wipe Hydra off of it? Steve Rogers: Yes, sir. I'll need a team. Col. Chester Phillips: We're already putting together the best men. Steve Rogers: With all due respect, sir. So am I. Dum Dum Dugan: So, let's get this straight. Gabe Jones: We barely got out of there alive, and you want us to go back? Steve Rogers: Pretty much. James Montgomery Falsworth: Sounds rather fun, actually. Jim Morita: I'm in. Gabe Jones: We're in. Dum Dum Dugan: Hell, I'll always fight. But you got to do one thing for me. Steve Rogers: What's that? Dum Dum Dugan: Open a tab. Jim Morita: Well, that was easy. Steve Rogers: Another round. Barkeeper: Where are they putting all this stuff? Bucky Barnes: See? I told you. They're all idiots. Steve Rogers: How about you? You ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death? Bucky Barnes: Hell, no. That little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight. I'm following him. But you're keeping the outfit, right? Steve Rogers: You know what? It's kind of growing on me. Peggy Carter: Captain. Steve Rogers: Agent Carter. Bucky Barnes: Ma'am. Peggy Carter: Howard has some equipment for you to try. Tomorrow morning? Steve Rogers: Sounds good. Peggy Carter: I see you top squad is prepping for duty. Bucky Barnes: You don't like music? Peggy Carter: I do, actually. I might even, when this is all over, go dancing. Bucky Barnes: Then what are we waiting for? Steve Rogers: Yes, ma'm. I'll be there. Bucky Barnes: I'm invisible. I'm...I'm turning into you. It's like some horrible dream. Steve Rogers: Don't take it so hard. Maybe she's got a friend. Howard Stark: Emission signature is unusual. Alpha and beta ray neutral. Though I doubt Rogers picked up on that. Seems harmless enough. Hard to see what all the fuss is about. Write that down. Steve Rogers: Excuse me. I'm looking for Mr. Stark. Pvt. Lorraine: He's in with Colonel Phillips. Of course you're welcome to wait. I read about what you did. Steve Rogers: Oh! The...yeah! Well, that's you know? Just doin' what needed to be done. Pvt. Lorraine: Sounded like more than that. You saved nearly four hundred men. Steve Rogers: Really, it's not a big deal. Pvt. Lorraine: Tell that to their wives. Steve Rogers: Uh...I don't think they were all married. Pvt. Lorraine: You're a hero. Steve Rogers: Well, that...you know? That...that depends on the definition of it really. Pvt. Lorraine: The women of America, they owe you their thanks. And uh...seeing as they're not here. Peggy Carter: Captain! We're ready for you. If you're not otherwise occupied. Steve Rogers: Agent Carter, wait. Peggy Carter: Looks like finding a partner wasn't that hard after all. Steve Rogers: Peggy, that's not what you thought it was. Peggy Carter: I don't think anything, Captain. Not one thing. You always wanted to be soldier and now you are. Just like all the rest. Steve Rogers: Well, what about you and Stark? How do I know you two haven't been... fonduing? Peggy Carter: You still don't know a bloody thing about women! Howard Stark: Fondue is just cheese and bread, my friend. Steve Rogers: Really? I didn't think... Howard Stark: Nor should you, pal. The moment you think you know what's goin' on in a woman's head, it's the moment your goose is well and truly cooked. Me, I concentrate on work. Which at the moment is about making sure you and your men do not get killed. Carbon polymer. Should withstand your average German bayonet. Although Hydra's not going to attack you with a pocket knife. I hear you're uh... kinda attached? Steve Rogers: It's handier than you might think. Howard Stark: I took the liberty of coming up with some options. This one's fun. She's been fitted with electrical relays. It'll allow you to... Steve Rogers: What about this one? Howard Stark: No! No! That's just a prototype. Steve Rogers: What's it made of? Howard Stark: Vibranium. It's stronger than steel and a third of the weight. It's completely vibration absorbent. Steve Rogers: How come it's not a standard issue? Howard Stark: That's the rarest metal on earth. What you're holding there? That's all we've got. Peggy Carter: You quite finished, Mr. Stark? I'm sure the Captain has some unfinished business. Steve Rogers: What do you think? Peggy Carter: Yes. I think it works. Steve Rogers: I had some ideas about the uniform. Howard Stark: Whatever you want, pal. Red Skull: You are failing! We are close to an offensive network that will shake the planet. And yet we are continually delayed, because you cannot outwit a simpleton with a shield! Dr. Arnim Zola: This is hardly my area of expertise. I...I merely develop the weapons. I...I cannot fire them. Red Skull: Finish your mission, Doctor. Before the American finishes his. Guard: Sir! Facility Manager: I'm sorry, Herr Schmidt. We fought to the last man. Red Skull: Evidently not. Bucky Barnes: Remember when I made you ride the Cyclone at Coney Island? Steve Rogers: Yeah, I and I threw up? Bucky Barnes: This isn't payback, is it? Steve Rogers: Now why would I do that? Gabe Jones: We were right. Dr. Zola's on the train. Hydra dispatcher gave him permission to open up the throttle. Wherever he's going, they must need him bad. James Montgomery Falsworth: Let's get going, because they're moving like the devil. Steve Rogers: We only got about a 10-second window. You miss that window, we're bugs on a windshield. James Montgomery Falsworth: Mind the gap. Dum Dum Dugan: Better get moving, bugs! Jacques Dernier: Maintenant! Dr. Arnim Zola: Stop him! Fire again! Bucky Barnes: I had him on the ropes. Steve Rogers: I know you did. Get down! Dr. Arnim Zola: Fire again! Kill him! Now! Steve Rogers: Bucky! Hang on! Grab my hand! NO! Col. Chester Phillips: Sit down. Dr. Arnim Zola: What is this? Col. Chester Phillips: Steak. Dr. Arnim Zola: What is in it? Col. Chester Phillips: Cow. Doctor, do you realize how difficult it is to get ahold of a prime cut like that out here? Dr. Arnim Zola: I don't eat meat. Col. Chester Phillips: Why not? Dr. Arnim Zola: It disagrees with me. Col. Chester Phillips: How about cyanide? Does that give you the rumbly tummy too? Every Hydra agent that we've tried to take alive has crunched a little pill before we can stop him. But not you. So, here's my brilliant theory. You wanna live. Dr. Arnim Zola: You're trying to intimidate me, Colonel. Col. Chester Phillips: I bought you dinner. Dr. Arnim Zola: 'Given the variable information he has provided, and in exchange for his full cooperation, Dr. Zola is being remanded to Switzerland.' Col. Chester Phillips: I sent that message to Washington this morning. Of course it was encoded. You guys haven't broken those codes, have you? That would be awkward. Dr. Arnim Zola: Schmidt will know this is a lie. Col. Chester Phillips: He's gonna kill you anyway, Doc. You're a liability. You know more about Schmidt than anyone. And the last guy you cost us was Captain Rogers' closest friend. So, I wouldn't count on the very best of protection. There's you or Schmidt. It's just the hand you've been dealt. Dr. Arnim Zola: Schmidt believes he walks in the foot steps of the Gods. Col. Chester Phillips: Mmm. Dr. Arnim Zola: Only the world itself will satisfy him. Col. Chester Phillips: You do realize that's nuts, don't you? Dr. Arnim Zola: But the sanity of the plan is of no consequence. Col. Chester Phillips: And why is that? Dr. Arnim Zola: Because he can do it! Col. Chester Phillips: What's his target? Dr. Arnim Zola: His target... is everywhere. Red Skull: Tomorrow, Hydra will stand master of the world. Born to victory on the wings of the Valkyrie. Our enemies weapons will be powerless against us. If they shoot down one plane, hundreds more will rain fire upon them! If they cut off one head, two more shall take its place. Hail Hydra! Man On The Radio: Blackout is still in effect throughout the London area. Please wait for the all-clear. Your attention, please. All citizens shall remain indoors until further notice. Blackout is still in effect throughout the London area. Steve Rogers: Dr. Erskine said that... the serum wouldn't just effect my muscles, it would effect my cells. Create a protective system of regeneration and healing. Which means um...I can't get drunk. Did you know that? Peggy Carter: Your metabolism burns four times faster than the average person. He thought it could be one of the side effects. It wasn't your fault. Steve Rogers: Did you read the reports? Peggy Carter: Yes. Steve Rogers: Then you know that's not true. Peggy Carter: You did everything you could. Did you believe in your friend? Did you respect him? Then stop blaming yourself. Allow Barnes the dignity of his choice. He damn well must have thought you were worth it. Steve Rogers: I'm goin' after Schmidt. I'm not gonna stop till all of Hydra is dead or captured. Peggy Carter: You won't be alone. Col. Chester Phillips: Johann Schmidt belongs in a bug house. He thinks he's a God. He's willing to blow up half the world to prove it, starting with the USA. Howard Stark: Schmidt's working with powers beyond our capabilities. He gets across the Atlantic, he will wipe out the entire eastern sea board in an hour. Gabe Jones: How much time we got? Col. Chester Phillips: According to my new best friend, under twenty four hours. Jaques Dernier: Where is he now? Col. Chester Phillips: Hydra's last base is here. In the Alps. Five hundred feet below the surface. Jim Morita: So, what are we supposed to do. I mean, it's not like we can just knock on the front door. Steve Rogers: Why not? That's exactly what we're gonna do. Red Skull: Arrogance may not be a uniquely American trait, but I must say you do it better than anyone. But there are limits to what even you can do, Captain. Or did Erskine tell you otherwise? Steve Rogers: He told me you were insane. Red Skull: Ah. He resented my genius and tried to deny me what was rightfully mine. But he gave you everything. So, what made you so special? Steve Rogers: Nothin'. I'm just a kid from Brooklyn. I can do this all day. Red Skull: Oh, of course you can. Of course. But unfortunately I am on a tight schedule. Steve Rogers: So am I! James Montgomery Falsworth: Rogers! You might need this! Steve Rogers: Thanks! Jim Morita: We're in! Assault team, go! Col. Chester Phillips: Move out! Keep your spacing! Hydra Soldier: Cutt off one head, two more shall... Col. Chester Phillips: Let's go find two more! Steve Rogers: You're late. Peggy Carter: Weren't you about to... Steve Rogers: Right. Keep it steady! Peggy Carter: Wait! Go get him. Col. Chester Phillips: I'm not kissin' you! Red Skull: You don't give up, do you? Steve Rogers: Nope! Red Skull: You could have the power of the gods! Yet you wear a flag on your chest and think you fight a battle of nations! I have seen the future, Captain! There are no flags! Steve Rogers: Not my future! Red Skull: What have you done? No. Steve Rogers: Come in. This is Captain Rogers. Do you read me? Jim Morita: Captain Rogers, what is your... Peggy Carter: Steve, is that you? Are you alright? Steve Rogers: Peggy! Schmidt's dead. Peggy Carter: What about the plane? Steve Rogers: That's a little bit tougher to explain. Peggy Carter: Give me your coordinates, I'll find you a safe landing site. Steve Rogers: There's not going to be a safe landing. But I can try and force it down. Peggy Carter: I'll get Howard on the line, he'll know what to do. Steve Rogers: There's not enough time. This thing's moving too fast and it's heading for New York. I gotta put her in the water. Peggy Carter: Please, don't do this. We have time. We can work it out. Steve Rogers: Right now I'm in the middle of nowhere. If I wait any longer a lot of people are gonna die. Peggy, this is my choice. Peggy? Peggy Carter: I'm here. Steve Rogers: I'm gonna need a rain check on that dance. Peggy Carter: Alright. A week, next Saturday, at the Stork Club. Steve Rogers: You got it. Peggy Carter: Eight o'clock on the dot. Don't you dare be late. Understood? Steve Rogers: You know, I still don't know how to dance. Peggy Carter: I'll show you how. Just be there. Steve Rogers: We'll have the band play somethin' slow. I'd hate to step on your... Peggy Carter: Steve? Steve? Steve? James Montgomery Falsworth: To the Captain. Stark’S Engineer: Sir? Howard Stark: Take us to the next grid point. Stark’S Engineer: But there's not trace of wreckage. And the energy signature stops here. Howard Stark: Just keep looking. Dodgers Announcer: Curve ball, high and outside for ball one. So the Dodgers are tied, 4-4. And the crowd well knows that with one swing of his bat, this fellow's capable of making it a brand-new game again. Just an absolutely gorgeous day here at Ebbets Field. The Phillies have managed to tie up at 4-4. But the Dodgers have three men on. Pearson beaned Reiser in Philadelphia last month. Wouldn't the youngster like a hit here to return the favour? Pete leans in. Here's the pitch. Swung on. A line to the right. And it gets past Rizzo. Three runs will score. Reiser heads to third. Durocher's going to wave him in. Here comes the relay, but they won't get him. Shield Agent: Good morning. Or should I say, afternoon? Steve Rogers: Where am I? Shield Agent: You're in a recovery room in New York city. Dodgers Announcer: The Dodgers take the lead, 8-4. Oh, Dodgers! Everyone is on their feet. What a game we have here today, folks. What a game indeed. Steve Rogers: Where am I really? Shield Agent: I'm afraid I don't understand. Steve Rogers: The game, it's from May, nineteen forty one. I know, cause I was there. Now, I'm gonna ask you again. Where am I? Shield Agent: Captain Rogers... Steve Rogers: Who are you? Shield Agent: Captain Rogers, wait! All agents, code 13! I repeat. All agents, code 13! Nick Fury: At ease, soldier! Look, I'm sorry about that little show back there, but... we thought it best to break it to you slowly. Steve Rogers: Break what? Nick Fury: You've been asleep, Cap. For almost seventy years. You gonna be okay? Steve Rogers: Yeah. Yeah. I just...I had a date. Nick Fury: Trouble sleeping? Steve Rogers: You're here with a mission, sir? Nick Fury: I am. Steve Rogers: Trying to get me back in the world? Nick Fury: Trying to save it.

The Other: The Tesseract has awakened. It is on a little world, a human world. They would wield its power. But our ally knows its workings as they never will. He is ready to lead. And our force... ...our Chitauri, will follow. The world will be his...the universe, yours. And the humans, what can they do but burn? Intercom Voice: All personnel, evacuation order has been confirmed. Proceed to your designated vehicles... ...for all campus evacuation. This is not a drill. Emergency personnel proceed to your designated vehicles for all campus evacuation. Nick Fury: How bad is it? Phil Coulson: That's the problem, sir. We don't know. Doctor Selvig read an... ...energy surge from the Tesseract four hours ago. Nick Fury: NASA didn't authorize Selvig could go to test B. Phil Coulson: He wasn't testing it. He wasn't even in the room. Spontaneous event. Maria Hill: It just turned itself on? Nick Fury: Where are the energy levels now? Phil Coulson: Climbing. When Selvig couldn't shut it down we ordered evac. Nick Fury: How long to get everyone out? Phil Coulson: Campus should be clear in the next half hour. Nick Fury: Do better. Maria Hill: Sir, evacuation may be futile. Nick Fury: We should tell them to go back to sleep? Maria Hill: If we can't control the Tesseract's energy there may not be a minimum safe distance. Nick Fury: I need you to make sure the Phase Two prototypes are shipped out. Maria Hill: Sir, is that really a priority right now? Nick Fury: Until such time as the world ends we will act as though it intends to spin on. Clear out the tech below. Every piece of Phase Two on a truck and gone. Maria Hill: Yes, Sir. With me. Nick Fury: Talk to me, Doctor. Erik Selvig: Director. Nick Fury: Is there anything we know for certain? Erik Selvig: The Tesseract is misbehaving. Nick Fury: Is that supposed to be funny? Erik Selvig: No, it's not funny at all. The Tesseract is not only active, she's misbehaving. Nick Fury: How soon can you pull the plug? Erik Selvig: She's an energy source. We turn off the power, she turns it back on. If she reaches peak level- Nick Fury: We prepared for this, Doctor. Harnessing energy from space. Erik Selvig: We don't have the harness. My calculations are far from complete. She's throwing off interference, radiation. Nothing harmful, low levels of Gamma radiation. Nick Fury: That can be harmful. Where's agent Barton? Erik Selvig: The hawk? Up in his nest, as usual. Nick Fury: Agent Barton. Report. I gave you this detail so you could keep a close eye on things. Clint Barton: I see better from a distance. Nick Fury: Have you seen anything that might set this thing off? Nasa Scientist: Doctor! It's spiking again. Clint Barton: No one's come and gone. And Selvig's clean. No contacts, no IM. If there's any tampering, sir, it wasn't this end. Nick Fury: At this end? Clint Barton: Yeah. The Cube is a doorway to the other end of space, right? Doors open from both sides. Erik Selvig: What's that? Nick Fury: Sir, please put down the spear! Loki: You have heart. Please don't. I still need that. Nick Fury: This doesn't have to get any messier. Loki: Of course it does. I've come too far for anything else. I am Loki, of Asgard. And I am burdened with glorious purpose. Erik Selvig: Loki, brother of Thor? Nick Fury: We have no quarrel with your people. Loki: An ant has no quarrel with a boot. Nick Fury: You planning to step on us? Loki: I come with glad tidings, of a world made free. Nick Fury: Free from what? Loki: Freedom. Freedom is life's great lie. Once you accept that, in your heart you will know peace. Nick Fury: Yeah, you say peace. I kinda think you mean the other thing. Clint Barton: Sir, Director Fury is stalling. This place is about to blow and drop a hundred feet of rock on us. He means to bury us. Nick Fury: Like the pharaohs of old. Erik Selvig: He's right. The portal is collapsing in on itself. We've got maybe two minutes before this goes critical. Loki: Well then. Clint Barton: We need this vehicles. Maria Hill: Who's that? Clint Barton: Didn't tell me. Nick Fury: Hill! Do you copy? Barton...has turned. Get the Tesseract. Shut them down. Phil Coulson: Let's just go. No-no-no! Leave it, leave it. GO! We're clear upstairs, sir... ...We need to go. Director. Director Fury, do you copy? Nick Fury: The Tesseract is with a hostile force. I have men down. Hill? Maria Hill: A lot of men still under. Don't know how many survivors. Nick Fury: Sound a general call. I want every living soul... ...not working rescue looking for that briefcase. Maria Hill: Roger that. Nick Fury: Coulson, get back to base. This is a level seven. As of right now... We are at war. Phil Coulson: What do we do? Georgi Luchkov: This isn't how I wanted this evening to go. Natasha Romanoff: I know how you wanted this evening. Believe me this is better. Georgi Luchkov: Who are you working for? Lermentov, yes? Does he think we have to go through him to move our cargo? Natasha Romanoff: I thought General Solohob is in charge of the export business. Georgi Luchkov: Solohob. A bagman, a front. Your outdated information betrays you. The famous Black Widow is just another pretty face. Natasha Romanoff: You really think I'm pretty? Georgi Luchkov: Tell Lermentov we don't need him to move the tanks. Tell him he is out. Well...You may have to write it. Weaselly Thug: It's for her. Georgi Luchkov: You listen carefully- Phil Coulson: You're at 1- 14 Silensky Plaza, 3rd floor. We have an F-22 exactly eight miles out. Put the woman on the phone or I will blow up the block before you can make the lobby. We need you to come in. Natasha Romanoff: Are you kidding? I'm working. Phil Coulson: This takes precedence. Natasha Romanoff: I'm in the middle of an interrogation, and this moron is giving me everything. Georgi Luchkov: I not- give everything. Natasha Romanoff: Look, you can't pull me out of this right now. Phil Coulson: Natasha...Barton's been compromised. Natasha Romanoff: Let me put you on hold. Where's Barton now? Phil Coulson: We don't know. Natasha Romanoff: But he's alive? Phil Coulson: We think so. We'll brief you on everything when you get back. But first, we need you to talk to the big guy. Natasha Romanoff: Coulson, you know that Stark trusts me about as far as he can throw me. Phil Coulson: Oh I've got Stark! You get the big guy. Natasha Romanoff: My God. Calcutta Woman: Who are you? Get out! There is sickness here! Young Girl: Are you the doctor? I need a doctor. My father. My father's not waking up! He has a fever and he's moaning but his eyes won't open. Bruce Banner: Slow down. Young Girl: My father- Bruce Banner: Like them? Young Girl: Please! Bruce Banner: Should have got paid upfront Banner. Natasha Romanoff: You know, for a man who's supposed to be... ...avoiding stress, you picked a hell of a place to settle. Bruce Banner: Avoiding stress isn't the secret. Natasha Romanoff: Then what is it? Yoga? Bruce Banner: And you brought me to the end of the city. Smart. I- uh- I assume the whole place is surrounded. Natasha Romanoff: Just you and me. Bruce Banner: And your actress buddy? She a spy too, they start that wrong? Natasha Romanoff: I did. Bruce Banner: Who are you? Natasha Romanoff: Natasha Romanoff. Bruce Banner: Are you here to kill me, Ms Romanoff? 'Cause that's not going to work out for everyone. Natasha Romanoff: No, no. Of course not. I'm here on behalf of SHIELD. Bruce Banner: SHIELD. How'd they find me? Natasha Romanoff: We never lost you, Doctor. We've kept our distance, even helped keep some other interested parties off your scent. Bruce Banner: Why? Natasha Romanoff: Nick Fury seems to trust you. But now we need you to come in. Bruce Banner: What if I say no? Natasha Romanoff: I'll persuade you. Bruce Banner: And what if the- Other Guy says no? Natasha Romanoff: You've been more than a year without an incident. I don't think you want to break that streak. Bruce Banner: Well, I don't every time get what I want. Natasha Romanoff: Doctor, we're facing a potential global catastrophe. Bruce Banner: Oh those I actively try to avoid. Natasha Romanoff: This is the Tesseract. It has the potential energy to wipe out the planet. Bruce Banner: What does Fury want me to do? Swallow it? Natasha Romanoff: He wants you to find it. It's been taken. It emits a Gamma signature that's too weak for us to trace. No one knows Gamma radiation like you do. If there was, that's where I'd be. Bruce Banner: So Fury isn't after the monster? Natasha Romanoff: Not that he's told me. Bruce Banner: And he tells you everything? Natasha Romanoff: Talk to Fury, he needs you on this. Bruce Banner: He needs me in a cage? Natasha Romanoff: No one's going to put you in a- Bruce Banner: STOP LYING TO ME! I'm sorry. That was mean. I just wanted to see what you'd do. Why don't we do this the easy way where you don't use that and the- Other Guy doesn't make a mess? Okay?...Natasha. Natasha Romanoff: Stand down. We're good here. Bruce Banner: Just you and me? Councilman: This is out of line, Director. You're dealing with forces you can't control. Nick Fury: You ever been in a war, councilman? In a fire fight? Did you feel an over abundance of control? Councilman: You're saying that this Asgard is declaring war on our planet? Nick Fury: Not Asgard, Loki. Councilwoman: He can't be working alone. What about the other one, his brother? Nick Fury: Our intelligence says Thor is not a hostile. But he's worlds away and we can't depend on him to help either. It's up to us. Councilman: Which is why you should be focusing on Phase Two, it was designed for exactly this purpose. Nick Fury: Phase Two isn't ready; our enemy is. We need a response team. Councilman: The Avengers Initiative was shut down. Nick Fury: This isn't about the Avengers. Councilman: We're running the world's greatest covert security network and you're gonna leave the fate of the human race to a handful of freaks. Nick Fury: I'm not leaving anything to anyone. We need a response team. These people may be isolated, unbalanced even, but I believe, with the right push, they can be exactly what we need. Councilwoman: You believe! Councilman: War isn't won by sentiment, Director. Nick Fury: No, It's won by soldiers. Steve Rogers: There's not enough time. I gotta put her in the water. Peggy Carter: You won't be alone. Scientist: Oh my God. This guy's still alive. Nick Fury: Trouble sleeping? Steve Rogers: Slept for seventy years, Sir. I think I've had my fill. Nick Fury: Then you should be out, celebrating, seeing the world. Steve Rogers: When I went under, the world was at war. I wake up- they say we won. They didn't say what we lost. Nick Fury: We've made some mistakes along the way, some very recently. Steve Rogers: You here with a mission, Sir? Nick Fury: I am. Steve Rogers: Trying to get me back in the world? Nick Fury: Trying to save it. Steve Rogers: HYDRA's secret weapon. Nick Fury: Howard Stark fished that out of the ocean when he was looking for you. He thought what we think. The Tesseract could be the key to unlimited sustainable energy. That's something the world sorely needs. Steve Rogers: Who took it from you? Nick Fury: He's called Loki. He's- not from around here. There's a lot we'll have to bring you up to speed on if you're in. The world has gotten even stranger than you already know. Steve Rogers: At this point I doubt anything would surprise me. Nick Fury: Ten bucks says you're wrong. There's a debriefing packet waiting for you back at your apartment. Is there anything you can tell us about the Tesseract that we ought to know now? Steve Rogers: You should have left it in the ocean. Tony Stark: Good to go on this end. The rest is up to you. Pepper Potts: You disconnected the transmission lines? Are we off the grid? Tony Stark: Stark Tower's about to become a beacon of self-sustaining clean energy. Pepper Potts: Well, assuming the arc reactor takes over and it actually works. Tony Stark: I assume. Light her up. Pepper Potts: How does it look? Tony Stark: Like Christmas... ...but with more- me. Pepper Potts: We've got to go wider on the public awareness campaign. You need to do some press. I'm in DC tomorrow. I'm working on the zoning for the next three buildings. Tony Stark: Pepper, you're killing me at the moment. Remember, enjoy the moment. Pepper Potts: Then get in here and I will. Jarvis: Sir, Agent Coulson of SHIELD is on the line. Tony Stark: I'm not in. I'm actually out. Jarvis: Sir, I'm afraid he's insisting. Tony Stark: Grow a spine, JARVIS. I got a date. Pepper Potts: Levels are holding steady- I think. Tony Stark: Of course they are, I was directly involved. Which leads me to my next question. How does it feel to be a genius? Pepper Potts: Well, ah, I really wouldn't know now would I? Tony Stark: What do you mean? All this came from you. Pepper Potts: No, all this came from that. Tony Stark: Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself- twelve percent of the credit. Pepper Potts: Twelve percent? Tony Stark: An argument can be made for fifteen. Pepper Potts: Twelve percent of my baby? Tony Stark: Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things and sorry but, the security snafu? That was on you. Pepper Potts: Oh! Tony Stark: My private elevator. Pepper Potts: You mean our elevator. Tony Stark: Yeah, it was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later aren't I? Pepper Potts: Not gonna be that subtle. Tony Stark: I'll tell you what, next building is gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. Pepper Potts: On the lease! Tony Stark: Call your mum, can you bunk over? Jarvis: Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overridden. Tony Stark: Ah- Phil Coulson: Mr. Stark, we need to talk. Tony Stark: You have reached the Life Model Decoy of Tony Stark. Please leave a message. Phil Coulson: This is urgent. Tony Stark: Then leave it urgently. Security breach. That's on you! Pepper Potts: Phil! Come in! Tony Stark: Phil? Phil Coulson: I can't stay. Tony Stark: Uh, his first name is Agent. Pepper Potts: Come on in, we're celebrating. Tony Stark: Which is why he can't stay. Phil Coulson: We need you to look this over, as soon as possible. Tony Stark: I don't like being handed things. Pepper Potts: That's fine because I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. Thank you. Tony Stark: Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. Phil Coulson: This isn't a consultation. Pepper Potts: Is this about the Avengers? Which I know nothing about. Tony Stark: The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought, and I didn't even qualify. Pepper Potts: I didn't know that either. Tony Stark: Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self-obsessed, don't play well with others. Pepper Potts: That I did know. Phil Coulson: This isn't about personality profiles anymore. Tony Stark: Whatever! Ms. Potts, got a sec? Pepper Potts: Half a moment. Tony Stark: You know, I thought we were having a moment. Pepper Potts: I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious. Phil looks pretty shaken. Tony Stark: How would you notice- why is he Phil? Pepper Potts: What is all this? Tony Stark: This is- ah... ...this! Pepper Potts: I'm going to take the jet to DC tonight. Tony Stark: Tomorrow. Pepper Potts: You have homework. You have a lot of homework. Tony Stark: Well, what if I didn't? Pepper Potts: If you didn't? You mean when you finished? Well, um, then- Tony Stark: Square deal. Fly safe. They kiss. Pepper Potts: Work hard. So, any chance you're driving by LaGuardia? Phil Coulson: I can drop you off. Pepper Potts: Fantastic. Ooh, I want to hear about the ah- cellist, is that still a thing? Phil Coulson: She moved back to Portland. Pepper Potts: What?...Boo. Faceless Pilot: We're about forty minutes out from home base, Sir. Steve Rogers: So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum they used on me? Phil Coulson: A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought Gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. Steve Rogers: Didn't really go his way, did it? Phil Coulson: Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. He's like a- smart person. I gotta say- it's an honor to meet you, officially. I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. I mean, I was, I was present, while you were unconscious from-the-ice. You know it's really- it's just a- just a huge honor to have you on board- it's... Steve Rogers: Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. Phil Coulson: Oh you are, absolutely. Ah- we made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. Steve Rogers: The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little...old-fashioned? Phil Coulson: Everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old-fashioned. The Other: The Chitauri grow restless. Loki: Let them goad themselves. I will lead them in a glorious battle. The Other: Battle? Against the meager might of Earth. Loki: Glorious not lengthy- if your force is as formidable as you claim. The Other: You question us? You question him? He who out the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose? When you were cast out- defeated! Loki: I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard, betrayed. The Other: Your ambition is little, full of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. Loki: You don't have the Tesseract yet. I don't threaten. But until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. The Other: You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice, where he cannot find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. Phil Coulson: Agent Romanoff- Captain Rogers. Steve Rogers: Ma'am. Natasha Romanoff: Hi. They need you on the bridge; they're starting the face trace. Phil Coulson: See you there. Natasha Romanoff: It was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. Thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? Steve Rogers: Trading cards? Natasha Romanoff: They're vintage. He's very proud. Steve Rogers: Doctor Banner. Bruce Banner: Oh, yeah, hi. They told me you'd be coming. Steve Rogers: Word is you can find the Cube. Bruce Banner: Is that the only word on me? Steve Rogers: Only word I care about. Bruce Banner: Must be strange for you, all of this. Steve Rogers: Well, this is actually kind of familiar. Natasha Romanoff: Gentlemen, you might wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little had to breathe. Helicarrier Intercom: Flight Mode. Secure the deck. Steve Rogers: Is this a submarine? Bruce Banner: Really, they want me in a submerged pressurized metal container? Oh no, this is much worse. Carrier Bridge Tech 1: Maximum performance take off, increase output to capacity. Female Carrier Bridge Tech: Power plant performing at capacity. We are clear. Maria Hill: All engines operating. SHIELD emergency protocol one nine three point six in effect. We're at level, sir. Nick Fury: Good! Let's vanish. Maria Hill: Engage retro reflection panels. Male Agent: Reflection panels engaged. Nick Fury: Gentlemen. Doctor, thank you for coming. Bruce Banner: Thanks for asking nicely. So, um, how long am I staying? Nick Fury: Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the wind. Bruce Banner: Well where are you with that? Phil Coulson: We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cell phones... laptops, if it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. Natasha Romanoff: It's still not gonna find them in time. Bruce Banner: You have to narrow your field. How many Spectrometers do you have access to? Nick Fury: How many are there? Bruce Banner: Call every lab you know. Tell them to put the Spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for Gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm, basic cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? Nick Fury: Agent Romanoff, would you show Doctor Banner to his laboratory, please? Natasha Romanoff: You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. Bruce Banner: Really? Do you have the com-meter sixty-four? Natasha Romanoff: I'm not sure- Bruce Banner: Oh you're very young. Nick Fury: Hill, did you tell the council that Barton had been compromised? Maria Hill: Was that not procedure? Did you tell them who exactly is on your response team? Nick Fury: Doesn't appear that I have to. Erik Selvig: Put it over there. Where did you find all these people? Clint Barton: SHIELD has no shortage of enemies, Doctor. This the stuff you need? Erik Selvig: Yeah. Iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. Clint Barton: Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. Erik Selvig: Well, I didn't know. Hey! This is wonderful. The Tesseract has shown me so much. It's- it's more than knowledge, it's truth. Loki: I know. It, ah- it touches everyone differently. What did it show you Agent Barton? Clint Barton: My next target. Erik Selvig: Stick in the mud. He's got no soul. No wonder you chose this, this tomb to work in. Clint Barton: Well, the Radisson doesn't have three levels of lead lined flooring between SHIELD and that Cube. Loki: I see why Fury chose you to guard it. Clint Barton: You're going to have to contend with him sir. As long as he's in the air, I can't pin him down. And he'll be putting together a team. Loki: Are they a threat? Clint Barton: To each other more than likely. But if Fury can get 'em on track, and he might, they could throw some noise our way. Loki: You admire Fury. Clint Barton: He's got a clear line of sight. Loki: Is that why you failed to kill him? Clint Barton: It might be. I was disoriented, and I'm not at my best with a gun. Loki: I want to know everything you can tell me about this team of his. I would- test their mettle. I am weary of scuttling in shadow. I mean to rule this world, not burrow in it. Clint Barton: That's a risk Loki: Oh yes. Clint Barton: If you're set on making yourself known. I could be useful. Loki: Tell me what you need. Clint Barton: I need a distraction. And an eyeball. Phil Coulson: I mean, if it's not too much trouble. Steve Rogers: No-no, it's fine. Phil Coulson: It's a vintage set. Took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges but- Japser Sitwell: We got a hit. Sixty seven percent match. Wait- cross-match, seventy nine percent. Phil Coulson: Location? Japser Sitwell: Stuttgart, Germany. Twenty eight, Königstraße. He's not exactly hiding. Nick Fury: Captain, you're up. Loki: Kneel before me. I said- KNEEL! Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made- to be ruled. In the end- you will always kneel. German Old Man: Not to men like you. Loki: There are no men like me. German Old Man: There are always men like you. Loki: Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Steve Rogers: You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. Loki: The soldier- the man out of time. Steve Rogers: I'm not the one who's out of time. Natasha Romanoff: Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Loki: Kneel! Steve Rogers: Not today. Natasha Romanoff: Guy's all over the place. Tony Stark: Agent Romanoff, you miss me? Make a move reindeer games. Good move. Steve Rogers: Mister Stark. Tony Stark: Captain. Nick Fury: He saying anything? Natasha Romanoff: Not a word. Nick Fury: Just get him here, we're low on time. Steve Rogers: I don't like it. Tony Stark: What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? Steve Rogers: I don't remember it being that easy. This guy packs a wallop. Tony Stark: Still, you were pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? Steve Rogers: What? Tony Stark: It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple of things. Y'know, doing time as a Cap-sicle. Steve Rogers: Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. Tony Stark: Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. Natasha Romanoff: Where's this come from? Steve Rogers: What's the matter? Scared of a little lightening? Loki: I'm not overly fond of what follows. Steve Rogers: What are you doing? Tony Stark: Now there's that guy. Natasha Romanoff: Another Asgardian? Steve Rogers: That guy's a friendly. Natasha Romanoff: Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki, or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Steve Rogers: Stark, we need a plan of attack. Tony Stark: I have a plan. Attack! Natasha Romanoff: I'd sit this one out, Cap. Steve Rogers: I don't see how I can. Natasha Romanoff: These guys come from legend, they're basically Gods. Steve Rogers: There's only one God ma'am, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Thor: Where is the Tesseract? Loki: Oh-ho, I missed you too. Thor: Do I look to be in a gaming mood? Loki: Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone, how many dark energy did the All-Father have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor: I thought you dead. Loki: Did you mourn? Thor: We all did. Our father- Loki: Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor: We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? Loki: I remember a shadow, living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I who was and should be king! Thor: So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights? No. The Earth is under my protection, Loki. Loki: Well yes. Thor: Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Loki: I've seen worlds you've never known about. I have grown, Odinson, in my exile. I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it- Thor: Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? Loki: I am a king! Thor: Not here. You give up the Tesseract; you give up this poisonous dream! You come home. Loki: I don't have it. You need the Cube to bring me home but I've sent it off I know not where. Thor: You listen well brother- Loki: I'm listening? Thor: Do not touch me again. Tony Stark: Then don't take my stuff. Thor: You have no idea what you're dealing with. Tony Stark: Uh- Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you wear-th her drapes? Thor: This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice. Tony Stark: He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. -stay out of the way. Tourist. Okay! Jarvis: Power at four hundred percent capacity. Tony Stark: How bout that? Steve Rogers: Hey! That's enough! Now I don't know what you plan on doing here- Thor: I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! Steve Rogers: Then prove it. Put that hammer down. Tony Stark: Uh, yeah! No! Bad call, he loves his hammer- Thor: You want me to put hammer down? Steve Rogers: Are we done here? Nick Fury: In case it's unclear, you try to escape- you so much as scratch that glass- Thirty thousand feet straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works? Ant. Boot. Loki: It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. Nick Fury: Built for something a lot stronger than you. Loki: Oh I've heard. A mindless beast- makes play he's still a man... How desperate are you, that you call on such lost creatures to defend you? Nick Fury: How desperate am I?... You threaten my world with war, you steal a force you can't hope to control, you talk about peace and you kill 'cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. Loki: Ooh. It burns you to have come so close, to have the Tesseract, to have power- unlimited power, and for what? A... warm light for all mankind to share? And then to be reminded what real power is. Nick Fury: Well, let me know if 'real power' wants a magazine or something. Bruce Banner: He really grows on you doesn't he? Steve Rogers: Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? Thor: He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard nor any world known. He means to lead the against your people. They will win him the Earth, in return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. Steve Rogers: An army, from outer space? Bruce Banner: So, he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. Thor: Selvig? Bruce Banner: He's an astrophysicist. Thor: He's a friend. Natasha Romanoff: Loki has them under some kind of spell- along with one of ours. Steve Rogers: I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. Bruce Banner: I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you can small crazy on him. Thor: Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason but he is of Asgard, and he is my brother. Natasha Romanoff: He killed eighty people in two days. Thor: He's adopted? Bruce Banner: I think it's about the mechanics. Iridium, what do they need the Iridium for? Tony Stark: It's a stabilizing agent. I'm saying, take a weekend; I'll fly you to Portland. Keep love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself like it did at SHIELD. No hard feelings point break, you got a mean swing. Also, means the portal can open as wide and stay open as long as Loki wants. Ah, raise the mizzen mast, ship the topsails. That man is playing Galaga! Thought we wouldn't notice, but we did. How does Fury even see these? Maria Hill: He turns! Tony Stark: Sounds exhausting! The rest of the raw materials, Agent Barton can get his hands on pretty easily. Only major component he still needs is a power source- of high energy density. Something to- kick start the Cube. Maria Hill: When did you become an expert in thermonuclear astrophysics? Tony Stark: Last night. The packet, Selvig's notes, the extraction theory papers- am I the only one who did the reading? Steve Rogers: Does Loki need any particular kind of power source? Bruce Banner: He's have to heat the Cube to a hundred and twenty million kelvin just to break through the Coulomb barrier. Tony Stark: Unless, Selvig has figured out how to stabilize the Quantum Tunneling effect. Bruce Banner: Well, if he could do that he could achieve heavy-ion fusion at any reactor on the planet. Tony Stark: Finally. Someone who speaks English. Steve Rogers: Is that what just happened? Tony Stark: It's good to meet you, Doctor Banner. Your work on anti-electronic collisions is unparalleled. And I'm a huge fan of the way you- lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster. Bruce Banner: ...Thanks. Nick Fury: Doctor Banner is only here to track the Cube. I was hoping you might join him. Steve Rogers: I'd start with that stick of his. It may be magical but it works an awful lot like a HYDRA weapon. Nick Fury: I don't know about that, but it is powered by the Cube. And I like to know how Loki used it to turn two of the sharpest men I know into his personal flying monkeys. Thor: Monkeys? I do not understand- Steve Rogers: I do! I...I understood that reference. Tony Stark: Shall we play, Doctor? Bruce Banner: This way, sir. The Gamma readings are definitely consistent with Selvig's reports on the Tesseract. But it's gonna take weeks to process. Tony Stark: If we bypass their mainframe and direct route to the Homer cluster we can clock this at around six hundred teraflops. Bruce Banner: All I packed was a toothbrush. Tony Stark: You know, you should come by Stark Tower some time. Top ten floors- all R and D. You'd love it, it's a candy land. Bruce Banner: Thanks but...last time I was in New York I kind of broke...Harlem. Tony Stark: Well, I promise a stress free environment. No tension, no surprises. He zaps Banner in the side. Bruce Banner: Ow! Steve Rogers: Hey! Tony Stark: Nothing? Steve Rogers: Are you nuts? Tony Stark: Jury's out! You really have got a lid on it, haven't you? What's your secret? Mellow jazz, bongo drums, huge bag of weed? Steve Rogers: Is everything a joke to you? Tony Stark: Funny things are. Steve Rogers: Threatening the safety of everyone on this ship isn't funny. No offense, Doc. Bruce Banner: No it's alright. I wouldn't have come aboard if I couldn't handle pointy things. Tony Stark: You're tip-toeing, big man. You need to strut. Steve Rogers: And you need to focus on the problem, Mister Stark. Tony Stark: You think I'm not? Why did Fury call us in? Why now, why not before? What isn't he telling us? I can't do the equation unless I have all the variables. Steve Rogers: You think Fury's hiding something? Tony Stark: He's a spy. Captain, he's the spy. His secrets have secrets. It's bugging him to, isn't it? Bruce Banner: Uh, Aah, I just wanna finish my work here and- Steve Rogers: Doctor? Bruce Banner: A warm light for all mankind," Loki's jab at Fury about the Cube. Steve Rogers: I heard it. Bruce Banner: Well, I think that was meant for you. Even if Barton didn't tell Loki about the tower, it was still all over the news. Steve Rogers: The Stark Tower? That big ugly building in New York? Bruce Banner: It's powered by an arc reactor, self-sustaining energy source. That building will run itself for, what, a year? Tony Stark: It's just the prototype. I'm kind of the only name in clean energy right now, that's what he's getting at. Bruce Banner: So, why didn't SHIELD bring him in on the Tesseract project? What are they even doing in the energy business in the first place? Tony Stark: I should probably look into that as soon as my decryption program finishes breaking into all of SHIELD's secure files. Steve Rogers: I'm sorry did you say- Tony Stark: JARVIS has been running it since I hit the bridge. In a few hours I'll know every dirty secret SHIELD has ever tried to hide. Blueberry? Steve Rogers: Yet you're confused about why they didn't want you around. Tony Stark: An intelligence organization that fears intelligence? Historically, not awesome. Steve Rogers: I think Loki's trying to wind us up. This is a man who means to start a war and if we don't stay focused he'll succeed. We have orders, we should follow them. Tony Stark: Following's not really my style. Steve Rogers: And you're all about style, aren't you? Tony Stark: Out of the people in this room, which one is "A" wearing a spangly outfit and "B" not of use? Bruce Banner: Steve, tell me none of this smells a little funky to you? Steve Rogers: Just find the Cube. Tony Stark: That's the guy my dad never shut up about? Wondering if they shouldn't have kept him on ice. Bruce Banner: Guy's not wrong about Loki, he does have the jump on us. Tony Stark: What he's got is an ACME dynamite kit. It's gonna blow up in his face, and I'm gonna be there when it does. Bruce Banner: I'll read all about it. Tony Stark: Mhm, or, you'll be suiting up with the rest of us. Bruce Banner: Now, you see I don't get a suit of armor. I'm exposed, like a nerve, it's a nightmare. Tony Stark: You know, I've got a cluster shrapnel, trying every second to crawl its way into my heart. This stops it- He taps the arc reactor. -this little circle of light. It's part of me now, not just armor. It's a terrible privilege. Bruce Banner: But you can control it. Tony Stark: Because I learned how. Bruce Banner: It's different. Tony Stark: Hey, I read all about your accident. That much Gamma exposure- should've killed you. Bruce Banner: So you're saying that the Hulk- the Other Guy- saved my life? That's nice. That's nice sentiment. Saved it for- what? Tony Stark: I guess we'll find out. Bruce Banner: You may not enjoy that. Tony Stark: And you just might. Phil Coulson: As soon as Loki took the doctor we... ...moved Jane Foster. We've got an excellent observatory in Tromsø. She was asked to consult there very suddenly yesterday. Handsome fee, private plane, very remote. She'll be safe. Thor: Thank you. It's no accident Loki taking Erik Selvig. I dread what he plans for him once he's done. Erik is a good man. Phil Coulson: He talks about you a lot. You changed his life. You changed everything around here. Thor: They were better as they were. We pretend on Asgard that we're more advanced, but we- we come here battling like Bildschneip. Phil Coulson: Like what? Thor: Bildschneip. You know, huge, scaly, big antlers. You don't have those? Phil Coulson: No. Thor: Huh! Well they are repulsive, and they trample everything in their path. When I first came to earth, Loki's rage followed me here and your people paid the price. And now again. In my youth I courted war. Nick Fury: War hasn't started yet. You think you can make Loki tell us where the Tesseract is? Thor: I do not know. Loki's mind is far afield, it's not just power he craves, it's vengeance upon me. There's no pain would prise his need from him. Nick Fury: A lot of guys think that, until the pain starts. Thor: What are you asking me to do? Nick Fury: I'm asking, what are you prepared to do? Thor: Loki is a prisoner. Nick Fury: Then why do I feel like he's the only person on this boat that wants to be here? Loki: Hm. There's not many people that can sneak up on me. Natasha Romanoff: But you figured I'd come. Loki: After. After whatever tortures Fury can concoct, you would appear as a friend, as a balm. And I would cooperate. Natasha Romanoff: I wanna know what you've done to Agent Barton. Loki: I'd say I've expanded his mind. Natasha Romanoff: And once you've won. Once you're king of the mountain. What happens to his mind? Loki: Is this love, Agent Romanoff? Natasha Romanoff: Love is for children. I owe him a debt. Loki: Tell me. Natasha Romanoff: Before I worked for SHIELD, I uh- well, I made a name for myself. I have a very specific skill set. I didn't care who I used it for, or on. I got on SHIELD's radar in a bad way. Agent Barton was sent to kill me, he made a different call. Loki: And what will you do if I vow to spare him? Natasha Romanoff: Not let you out. Loki: Ah, no. But I like this. Your world in the balance, and you bargain for one man? Natasha Romanoff: Regime's fall everyday. I tend not to weep over that, I'm Russian, or I was. Loki: And what are you now? Natasha Romanoff: It's really not that complicated. I got red in my ledger. I'd like to wipe it out. Loki: Can you? Can you wipe out that much red? Drakov's daughter? Sao Paulo? The hospital fire? Barton told me everything. Your ledger is dripping, it's gushing red, and you think saving a man no more virtuous than yourself will change anything? This is the basest sentimentality. This is a child, a prayer. Pathetic. ...You lie and kill in the service of liars... ...and killers. You pretend to be separate, to have your own code... ...something that makes up for the horrors. But they are a part of you, and they will never go away. I won't touch Barton! Not until I make him kill you. Slowly, intimately, in every way he knows you fear. And then he'll wake just long enough to see his good work, and when he screams I'll split his skull! This is my bargain, you mewling quim! Natasha Romanoff: You're a monster! Loki: Oh, no. You brought the monster. Natasha Romanoff: So, Banner? That's your play. Loki: What? Natasha Romanoff: Loki means to unleash the Hulk. Keep Banner in the lab, I'm on my way. Send Thor as well. Thank you, for your cooperation! Nick Fury: What are you doing, Mr. Stark? Tony Stark: Uh- kind of been wondering the same thing about you. Nick Fury: You're supposed to be locating the Tesseract. Bruce Banner: We are, the model's locked and we're sweeping for the signature now. When we get a hit, we'll have the location within half a mile. Tony Stark: And you'll get your cube back, no muss, no fuss. What is Phase Two? Steve Rogers: Phase Two is SHIELD used the Cube to make weapons. Sorry, computer was moving a little slow for me. Nick Fury: Rogers, we gathered everything related to the Tesseract. This does not mean that we're- Tony Stark: I'm sorry, Nick. What were you lying? Steve Rogers: I was wrong, Director. The world hasn't changed a bit. Bruce Banner: Did you know about this? Natasha Romanoff: You wanna think about removing yourself from this environment, doctor? Bruce Banner: I was in Calcutta, I was pretty well removed. Natasha Romanoff: Loki's manipulating you. Bruce Banner: And you've been doing what exactly? Natasha Romanoff: You didn't come here because I bat my eyelashes at you. Bruce Banner: Yes, and I'm not leaving because suddenly you get a little twitchy. I'd like to know why SHIELD is using the Tesseract to build weapons of mass destruction. Nick Fury: Because of him. Thor: Me? Nick Fury: Last year earth had a visitor from another planet who had a grudge match that leveled a small town. We learned that not only are we not alone, but we are hopelessly- hilariously, out-gunned. Thor: My people want nothing but peace with your planet. Nick Fury: But you're not the only people out there, are you? And, you're not the only threat. The world's filling up with people who can't be matched, they can't be controlled. Steve Rogers: Like you controlled the cube! Thor: Your work with the Tesseract is what drew Loki to it, and his allies. It is the signal to all the realms that the earth is ready for A HIGHER FORM OF WAR. Steve Rogers: A higher form?! Nick Fury: You forced our hand! We had to come up with some- Tony Stark: Nuclear deterrent! 'Cause that always calms everything right down. Nick Fury: Remind me again how you made your fortune, Stark? Steve Rogers: I'm sure if he still made weapons, Stark would be neck deep- Tony Stark: Wait-Wait! Hold on! How is this now about me? Steve Rogers: I'm sorry, isn't everything? Thor: I thought humans were more evolved than this. Nick Fury: Excuse me, did we come to your planet and blow stuff up? Thor: Tis your champion. Nick Fury: YOU'RE NOT MY CHAMPION! Natasha Romanoff: Are you boys really that naive? S.H.I.E.L.D monitors potential threats. Tony Stark: You furious? I'm furious. Bruce Banner: And Captain America is on the threat poll? Natasha Romanoff: We all are! Nick Fury: That's not your concern doctor! Tony Stark: You're on that list? Are you above or below angry bees? Steve Rogers: I swear to God, Stark, one more crack... Tony Stark: You're a threat. VERBAL THREAT! I FEEL THREATENED! Steve Rogers: SHOW SOME RESPECT. Tony Stark: RESPECT WHAT! Bruce Banner: YEAH MAN HANDLE ME NOW, THAT'LL BE GOOD! Intercom Voice: Transport six-six-five-oh. Please relay your form code. Got you on the computer but not on the data log. What is your haul? Over. Pilot: Arms to ammunition. Over. Thor: You speak of control, yet you court chaos! Bruce Banner: It's his MO, isn't it? I mean, what are we, a team? No, no, no. We're a chemical mixture that makes chaos. We're- we're a time bomb. Nick Fury: You need to step away. Tony Stark: Why shouldn't they guy let off a little steam? Steve Rogers: You know damn well why! Back off! Tony Stark: Oh, I'm starting to want you to make me. Steve Rogers: Yeah, big man in a suit of armor. Take that off, what are you? Tony Stark: Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. Steve Rogers: I know guys with none of that worth ten of you. I've seen the footage. The only thing you really fight for is yourself. You're not the guy to make the sacrifice play, to lay down on a wire and let the other guy crawl over you. Tony Stark: I think I would just cut the wire. Steve Rogers: Always a way out. You know, you may not be a threat, but you better stop pretending to be a hero. Tony Stark: A hero, like you? You're a laboratory experiment, Rogers. Everything special about you came out of a bottle. Steve Rogers: Put on the suit, let's go a few rounds. Thor: You people are so petty, and tiny. Bruce Banner: Yeah, this is a team. Nick Fury: Agent Romanoff, would you escort Dr. Banner back to his- Bruce Banner: WHERE? YOU RENTED MY ROOM! Nick Fury: The cell was just- Bruce Banner: IN CASE YOU NEEDED TO KILL ME. BUT YOU CAN'T, I KNOW, I TRIED! I got low. I didn't see an end so I put a bullet in my mouth and the other guy spit it out. So I moved on, I focused on helping other people. I was good until you dragged me back into this freak show and put everyone here at risk. You wanna know my secret, Agent Romanoff? You wanna know how I stay calm? Steve Rogers: Doctor Banner, put down the scepter. Nick Fury: Got it! Bruce Banner: Sorry, kids. You don't get to see my party trick after all. Thor: Located the Tesseract? Tony Stark: I can get there faster. Steve Rogers: Look, all of us- Novar: The Tesseract belongs on Asgard, no human is a match for it. Steve Rogers: You're not going alone! Tony Stark: You gonna stop me? Steve Rogers: Put on the suit, let's find out! Tony Stark: I'm not afraid to hit an old man. Steve Rogers: Put on the suit. Bruce Banner: Oh-my-god. Steve Rogers: Put on the suit. Tony Stark: Yep. Intercom Voice: All hands engaged. Nick Fury: Hill! Maria Hill: Number Three engine is down. Female Carrier Bridge Tech: We've been hit. Maria Hill: Did we get a run in? Talk to me. Off Screen Worker: We got a fire in Engine Three. Carrier Bridge Tech 1: The line looks mostly in tact but it's impossible to get out there to make repairs while we're in the air. Maria Hill: We lose one more engine we won't be. Somebody's gotta get outside and patch that engine. Nick Fury: Stark, you copy that? Tony Stark: I'm on it. Nick Fury: Coulson, initiate defensive lock down in the contingent center. Then get to the armory. Romanoff! Natasha Romanoff: Okay! We're okay, right? Clint Barton: Keep that engine down. Detention, wait for camera to go dark. Stay close. Tony Stark: Find engine three. I'll meet you there. Natasha Romanoff: Doctor? Bruce, you gotta fight it. This is just what Loki wants. We're gonna be okay. Listen to me. Maintenance Guy: You hurt? Natasha Romanoff: We're gonna be okay. Right? I swear on my life I will get you out of this, you will walk away, and never ever - Bruce Banner: Your life? Natasha Romanoff: Bruce. Nick Fury: Bring the carrier to a one-eight-zero south. Take us to the water. Shield Agent: We're blind. Navigation re calibrated after the engine failure. Nick Fury: Is the sun coming up? Shield Agent: Yes, sir. Nick Fury: Then put us on the left. Get us over water. One more turbine goes down then we drop. Steve Rogers: Stark! Stark, I'm here. Tony Stark: Good. Let's see what we got. I gotta get this super conducting cooling system back online before I can access the rotors, work on dislodging the debris. I need you to get to that engine control panel and tell me which relays are in overload position. What's it look like in there? Steve Rogers: It seems to run on some form of electricity. Tony Stark: Well, you're not wrong. Thor: We're not your enemies, Banner! Try to think! Steve Rogers: 'Kay, the relays are intact. What's our next move? Tony Stark: Even if I clear the rotors, this thing won't re-engage without a jump... ...I'm gonna have to get in there and push. Steve Rogers: Well, if that thing gets up to speed, you'll get shredded! Tony Stark: Then stay in the control unit and reverse polarity long enough to disengage maglev and that should- Steve Rogers: Speak English! Tony Stark: See that red lever? It'll slow the rotors down long enough for me to get out. Stand by it, wait for my word. Nick Fury: We need full evac on the lower hangar bed. Maria Hill: GRENADE! Intercom Voice: We've got perimeter breach. Hostiles are in SHIELD gear. Call out to every junction. We've got the Hulk and Thor on Research Level Four. Levels Two and Three are gone. Maria Hill: Sir, the Hulk will tear this place apart! Nick Fury: Get his attention. Maria Hill: Escort 6-Oh, proceed to Wishbone and... ...engage hostile. Don't get too close. Young Shield Pilot: Copy. Target acquired. Target engaged. Nick Fury: They are not getting through here so what the- Intercom Voice: Engine One is now in shutdown. Shield Worker: Sir, we've lost all power in Engine One. Nick Fury: It's Barton, he took out our systems. He's headed for the detention lab. Does anybody copy? Natasha Romanoff: This is Agent Romanoff. I copy. Nick Fury: Stark, we're losing altitude. Tony Stark: Yep, noticed. Loki: Are you ever not going to fall for that? The humans think us immortal. Shall we test that? Phil Coulson: Move away please. Do you like this? We started working on the prototype after you sent the Destroyer. Even I don't know what it does. Do you wanna find out? Thor: NO! Clint Barton: Natasha! Phil Coulson: You're going to lose. Loki: Am I? Phil Coulson: It's in your nature, Loki: your heroes are scattered, your floating fortress falls from the sky. Where is my disadvantage? Phil Coulson: You lack conviction. Loki: I don't think I- Phil Coulson: So that's what it does. Intercom Voice: All hands to your stations immediately. Tony Stark: Cap hit the lever! Steve Rogers: i need a minute here! Tony Stark: Lever! Now! Uh-oh. Phil Coulson: I'm sorry boss. They got rabbited. Nick Fury: Just stay awake. Eyes on me. Phil Coulson: Oh I'm clockin' out here. Nick Fury: Not an option. Phil Coulson: It's okay, boss. This was never gonna work- if they didn't have something- to Nick Fury: Agent Coulson is down. Shield Worker: A medical team is on its way to your location. Nick Fury: They're here. They called it. These were in Phil Coulson's jacket. Guess he never did get you to sign them. We're dead in the air up here. Our communications, location of the cube, Banner, Thor. I got nothing for you. Lost my one good eye. Think I had that coming. Yes, we were going to build an arsenal with the Tesseract. I never put all my chips on that number, though, because I was playing something even riskier. There was an idea, Stark knows this, called the Avengers Initiative. The idea was to bring together a group of remarkable people, see if they could become something more. See if they could work together when we needed them to, to fight the battles that we never could. Phil Coulson died still believing in that idea, in heroes. Well, it's an old fashioned notion. Security Guard: You fell out of the sky. Bruce Banner: Did I hurt anyone? Security Guard: There's nobody around here to get hurt. You did scare the hell out of some pigeons though. Bruce Banner: Lucky. Security Guard: Or just good aim. You were awake when you fell. Bruce Banner: You saw? Security Guard: The whole thing, right through the ceiling. Big and green and buck ass nude. Here- didn't think those would fit you until you shrunk down to a regular size fella. Bruce Banner: Thank you. Security Guard: Are you an alien? Bruce Banner: What? Security Guard: From outer space, an alien? Bruce Banner: No. Security Guard: Well then, son, you've got a condition. So, which one is it? Bruce Banner: Sorry? Security Guard: Are you a big guy that gets all little, or a little guy that, ah- sometimes blows up large? Bruce Banner: You know- I'm not even sure. Security Guard: You got somewhere to go? Bruce Banner: Stark Tower. I- no. Yes. Security Guard: I'd expect some confusion of the mind, since your body's kind of all over the place, but it has to be one or the other. Bruce Banner: I know where I could do the most good, but it's where I can do the most harm. Security Guard: Well, that's no different than anybody else. Me? I'm here is Jersey where I can't do much of either. And since I'm not likely to move on from this placement, you may as well- pilfer my ride. Bruce Banner: I don't know which way to go. Security Guard: Your mind's already made up, son. The rest of you will follow. Natasha Romanoff: Clint, you're gonna be alright. Clint Barton: You know that? Is that what you know? I gotta go in though. I have to flush him out. Natasha Romanoff: You gotta level out, it's gonna take time. Clint Barton: You don't understand. Have you ever had someone take your brain and play? Pull you out and stuff something else in? You know what it's like to be unmade? Natasha Romanoff: You know that I do. Clint Barton: Why am I back? How did you get him out? Natasha Romanoff: Cognitive recalibration. I hit you really hard in the head. Clint Barton: Thanks. Natasha, how many agents? Natasha Romanoff: Don't. Don't do that to yourself, Clint. This is Loki. This is monsters and magic and nothing we were ever trained for. Clint Barton: Loki. He get away? Natasha Romanoff: Yeah. I don't suppose you know where? Clint Barton: Didn't need to know. Didn't ask. He's gonna make his play soon though. Today. Natasha Romanoff: We gotta stop him. Clint Barton: Yeah? Who's we? Natasha Romanoff: I don't know. Whoever is left. Clint Barton: Well, if I put an arrow through Loki's eye socket I'd sleep better I suppose. Natasha Romanoff: Now you sound like you. Clint Barton: But you don't. You're a spy, not a soldier. Now you want to wade into a war. Why? What did Loki do to you? Natasha Romanoff: He didn't, I just- Clint Barton: Natasha. Natasha Romanoff: I've been compromised. I got red in my ledger. I'd like to wipe it out. Steve Rogers: Was he married? Tony Stark: No. There was a uh- cellist, I think. Steve Rogers: I'm sorry. He seemed like a good man. Tony Stark: He was an idiot. Steve Rogers: Why? For believing? Tony Stark: For taking on Loki alone. Steve Rogers: He was doing his job. Tony Stark: He was out of his league. He should have waited. He should have- Steve Rogers: Sometimes there isn't a way out, Tony. Tony Stark: Right. How did that work for him? Steve Rogers: Is this the first time you've lost a soldier? Tony Stark: We are not soldiers! I'm not marching to Fury's fife. Steve Rogers: Neither am I. He's got the same blood on his hands that Loki does, but right now we gotta put that behind us and get this done. Now Loki needs a power source, if we can put together a list- Tony Stark: He made it personal. Steve Rogers: That's not the point. Tony Stark: That is the point. That's Loki's point. He hit us all right where we live. Why? Steve Rogers: To tear us apart. Tony Stark: Yeah, divide and conquer is great but- he knows he has to take us out to win, right? That's what he wants. He wants to beat us, he wants to be seen doing it. He wants an audience. Steve Rogers: Right. I caught his act in Stuttgart. Tony Stark: Yeah. That's just previews, this is- this is opening night. And Loki, he's a full-tail diva. He wants flowers, he wants parades, he wants a monument built to the skies with his name plastered...Son of-a-bitch. Steve Rogers: Time to go. Natasha Romanoff: Go where? Steve Rogers: I'll tell you on the way. Can you fly one of those jets? Clint Barton: I can. Steve Rogers: Got a suit? Clint Barton: Yeah. Steve Rogers: Then suit up. Shield Engineer: Hey, you guys aren't authorized to be in here. Steve Rogers: Son, just don't! Maria Hill: Sir. Nick Fury: Agent Hill. Maria Hill: Those cards, they were in Coulson's locker, not in his jacket. Nick Fury: They needed the push. Intercom Voice: We've got unauthorized departure from Bay Six. Nick Fury: They found it. Get our communications back up, whatever you have to do. I want eyes on everything. Maria Hill: Yes, sir. Jarvis: Sir, I turned off the arc reactor. The device is already self-sustaining Tony Stark: Shut it down, Dr. Selvig. Erik Selvig: It's too late! She can't stop now. She wants to show us something! A new universe. Tony Stark: Okay. Jarvis: The barrier is pure energy. It's unbreachable. Tony Stark: Yeah, I got that. I'm beat. Jarvis: Sir, the Mark Seven is not ready for deployment. Tony Stark: Then skip the spinning rims, we're on the clock. Loki: Please tell me you're going to appeal to my humanity. Tony Stark: Uh- actually, I'm planning to threaten you. Loki: You should have left your armor on for that. Tony Stark: Yeah, it's seen a bit of mileage. You've got the uh- blue stick of destiny. Would you like a drink? Loki: Stalling me won't change anything. Tony Stark: No, no, no- threatening. No drink? You sure? I'm having one. Loki: The Chitauri are coming, nothing will change that. What have I to fear? Tony Stark: The Avengers. It's what we call ourselves, sort of like a team. 'Earth's Mightiest Heroes' type of thing. Loki: Yes, I'm met them. Tony Stark: Yeah, takes us a while to get any traction, I'll give you that one. But, let's do a head count here. Your brother, the Demi-God; A super soldier, a living legend who kind of lives up to the legend; a man with breath-taking anger management issues; a couple of master assassins, and you, big fella, you've managed to piss off every single one of them. Loki: That was the plan. Tony Stark: Not a great plan. When they come, and they will, they'll come for you. Loki: I have an army. Tony Stark: We have a Hulk. Loki: Oh, I thought the beast had wandered off. Tony Stark: Yeah- you're missing the point. There's no throne, there is no version of this, where you come out on top. Maybe your army comes and maybe it's too much for us, but it's all on you. 'Cause if we can't protect the earth, you can be damned well sure we'll avenge it. Loki: How will your friends have time for me, when they're so busy fighting you? This usually works. Tony Stark: Well, performance issues. You know? JARVIS, anytime now. Loki: You will all fall before me. Tony Stark: JARVIS. Deploy. Deploy! And there's one other person you pissed off! His name is Phil. Right! Army. Thor: Loki, turn off the Tesseract or I'll destroy it! Loki: You can't. There is no stopping it. There is only the war! Thor: So be it. Natasha Romanoff: Stark, we're on a three heading north east. Tony Stark: What, did you stop for drive-thru? Swing that park, I'm gonna lay 'em out for you. Jarvis: Sir, we have more incoming. Tony Stark: Fine. Let's keep them occupied. Clint Barton: Nat! Natasha Romanoff: I see 'em. Steve Rogers: We gotta get back up there. Stark, are you seeing this? Tony Stark: Seeing. still working on believing... ...Where's Banner? Has he shown up yet? Steve Rogers: Banner? Tony Stark: Just keep me posted. JARVIS, find me a soft spot. Thor: Look at this! Look around you! You think this madness will end with your rule? Loki: It's too late. It's too late to stop it. Thor: No. We can, together. Loki: Sentiment! Clint Barton: We've got civilians trapped. Steve Rogers: Loki. They're fish in a barrel down there. Natasha Romanoff: We got this. It's good. Go! Steve Rogers: You think you can hold them off? Clint Barton: Captain, it would be my genuine pleasure. Natasha Romanoff: Just like Budapest all over again! Clint Barton: You and I remember Budapest very differently. Young Cop: It's gonna be an hour before they scramble the National Guard. Police Sergeant: National Guard! Does the army know what's happening here? Young Cop: Do we? Steve Rogers: You need men in these buildings. There are people inside and they can be running right into the line of fire. You take them to the basement or through the subway, you keep them off the streets. I need a perimeter as far back as 39th. Police Sergeant: Why the hell should I take orders from you? I need men in those buildings, lead the people down and away from the streets. We gonna set up a perimeter all the way down to 39th street. Tony Stark: It noticed me... ...yay! Steve Rogers: What's the story upstairs? Thor: The power surrounding the cube is impenetrable. Tony Stark: Thor is right, we gotta deal with these guys. Natasha Romanoff: How do we do this? Steve Rogers: As a team. Thor: I have unfinished business with Loki. Clint Barton: Oh yeah! Get in line. Steve Rogers: Save it. Loki's gonna keep this fight focused on us and that's what we need. Without him these things could run wild. We got Stark up top, he's gonna need us to- Bruce Banner: So, this all seems horrible. Natasha Romanoff: I've seen worse. Bruce Banner: Sorry. Natasha Romanoff: No, we could- use a little worse. Steve Rogers: Stark, we got him. Tony Stark: Banner? Steve Rogers: Just like you said. Tony Stark: Then tell him to suit up. I'm bringing the party to you. Natasha Romanoff: I don't see how that's a party. Steve Rogers: Doctor Banner, now might be a really good time for you to get angry. Bruce Banner: That's my secret, Cap. I'm always angry. Tony Stark: Hold On! Loki: Send the rest. Natasha Romanoff: Guys? Tony Stark: Call it, Captain. Steve Rogers: Alright, listen up. Until we can close that portal up there, we're gonna use containment. Barton, I want you on that roof, eyes on everything. Call out patterns and strays. Stark, you got the perimeter. Anything gets more than three blocks out, you turn it back or you turn it to ash. Clint Barton: Wanna give me a lift? Tony Stark: Right. Better clench up, Legolas. Steve Rogers: Thor! You gotta try and bottleneck that portal, slow 'em down. You got the lightning, light the bastards up. You and me, we stay here on the ground, keep the fighting here. And Hulk! Smash! Maria Hill: Sir. The council is on. Clint Barton: Stark. You gotta lot of strays on your tail. Tony Stark: Just tryin' to keep them off the streets. Clint Barton: Well they can't bank worth a damn. Tony Stark: I will roger that. Oh- boy. Nice call. What else you got? Clint Barton: Well, Thor's taking out a squadron down on 6th. Tony Stark: And he didn't invite me! Natasha Romanoff: Captain, none of this is gonna mean a damn thing if we don't close that portal. Steve Rogers: Our biggest guns couldn't touch it. Natasha Romanoff: Well, maybe it's not about guns. Steve Rogers: You wanna get up there, you're gonna need a ride. Natasha Romanoff: I got a ride. I could use a boost though. Steve Rogers: You sure about this? Natasha Romanoff: Yeah, it's gonna be fun! Turn, turn, Ah! Clint Barton: Captain, the bank on 42nd, past Madison. They cornered a lot of civilians in there. Steve Rogers: I'm on it. Everyone clear out! Councilwoman: Director Fury. The council has made a decision... Nick Fury: I recognize the council has made a decision, but given that it's a stupid ass decision, I've elected to ignore it. Councilman: Director, you're closer than any of our subs, you scramble that jet- Nick Fury: That is the island of Manhattan, Councilman. Until I'm certain my team can't hold it, I will not order a nuclear strike against a civilian population. Councilman: If we don't hold them in the air, we lose everything. Nick Fury: I'd send that bird out, we already have. Natasha Romanoff: Oh you! Hawkeye! Clint Barton: Nat, what are you doing? Natasha Romanoff: Uh, a little help! Clint Barton: I got it. Loki: ENOUGH! You are, all of you, beneath me! I AM GOD, YOU DULL CREATURE, AND I WILL NOT BE BULLIED BY- Hulk: Puny God. Erik Selvig: The scepter. Natasha Romanoff: Doctor. Erik Selvig: Loki's scepter, the energy- the Tesseract can't fight. You can't protect against yourself. Natasha Romanoff: It's not your fault. You didn't know what you were doing. Erik Selvig: Well, actually I think I did. I built in a safety to cut the power source. Natasha Romanoff: Loki's scepter. Erik Selvig: It may be able to close the portal. And I'm looking right at it. Jarvis: Sir, we will lose power before we penetrate that shell. Tony Stark: JARVIS, you ever hear the tale of Jonah? Jarvis: I wouldn't consider him a role model. Councilwoman: Director Fury is no longer in command. Override seven-alpha-one-one. Jet Pilot: Seven-alpha-one-one confirmed. We're go for takeoff. Maria Hill: SIR, WE HAVE A BIRD IN MOTION! Anyone on the deck we have a rogue bird. We need to shut it down! Repeat, takeoff is not authorized! Nick Fury: Stark, you hear me? You have a missile headed straight for the city. Tony Stark: How long? Nick Fury: Three minutes. Max. Stay load can wipe out mid-town. Tony Stark: JARVIS, put everything we got into the thrusters. Jarvis: I just did. Jet Pilot: Package is sent. Detonation in two minutes, thirty seconds. Mark. Thor: You ready for another bout? Steve Rogers: What, you gettin' sleepy? Erik Selvig: Right at the crown! Natasha Romanoff: I can close it. Can anybody copy? I can shut the portal down! Steve Rogers: Do it! Tony Stark: No, wait. Steve Rogers: Stark, these things are still coming! Tony Stark: I got a nuke coming in, it's gonna blow in less than a minute. And I know just where to put it. Steve Rogers: Stark, you know that's a one way trip. Tony Stark: Save the rest for the turn J. Jarvis: Sir, shall I try Miss Potts? Tony Stark: Might as well. Reporter: Streets in New York City have become a battle ground. The army is here trying to contain the violence but clearly it is outmatch- ...Billionaire Tony Stark's Iron Man- Jarvis: Sorry, Miss- Natasha Romanoff: Come on, Stark. Steve Rogers: Close it. Son of a gun! Thor: He's not slowing down. Tony Stark: What the hell? What just happened? Please tell me nobody kissed me. Steve Rogers: We won. Tony Stark: Alright, Hey. Alright. Good job, guys. Let's just not come in tomorrow. Let's just take a day. You ever tried shawarma? There's a shawarma joint about two blocks from here. I don't know what it is, but I wanna try it. Thor: We're not finished yet. Tony Stark: And then shawarma after? Loki: If it's all the same to you, I'll have that drink now. Male Reporter: Despite the dev... ...devastation of what has been confirmed as an extraterrestrial attack, the extraordinary heroics of the group known as the Avengers- Male Citizen: It's really great knowing they're out there, you know. That someone's watching over us. Female Citizen: I love you, Thor! Husband: I just don't feel safe with those thing out there. Wife: It seems like there's a lot they're not telling us. Stan Lee: Superheroes? In New York? Give me a break! The Senator: These so called heroes have to be held responsible for the destruction done to the city. This was their fight. Where are they now? Reporter: Tough questions are being asked about the Avengers themselves, their sudden appearance and equally sudden disappearance. Waitress: What, that this is all somehow their fault? Captain America saved my life. Wherever he is, and wherever any of them are, I would just- I would wanna say thank you. Councilman 2: Where are the Avengers? Nick Fury: I'm not currently tracking their whereabouts. I'd say they've earned a leave of absence. Councilwoman: And the Tesseract? Nick Fury: The Tesseract is where belongs...out of our reach. Councilman: That's not your call. Nick Fury: I didn't make it. I just didn't argue with the god that did. Councilman: So you let him take it... and the war criminal Loki, who should be answering for his crime. Nick Fury: Oh I think he will be. Councilwoman: I don't think you understand what you've started... ...letting The Avengers loose on this world. They're dangerous. Nick Fury: They surely are, and the whole world knows it. Every world knows it! Councilman: Was that the point in all this? A statement. Nick Fury: A promise. Maria Hill: Sir, how does it work now...? ...They've gone their separate ways, some pretty extremely far. We get into a situation like this again, what happens then? Nick Fury: They'll come back! Maria Hill: Really sure about that? Nick Fury: I am. Maria Hill: Why? Nick Fury: Because we'll need them to. The Other: The humans, they are not the cowering wretches we were promised. They stand. They are unruly and therefore cannot be ruled. To challenge them, is to court Death.

Tony Stark: We create our own demons. Who said that? What does that even mean? Doesn't matter, I said it cause he said it. So now he was famous and that's basically get said by two well known guys. I don't, uh... I'm gonna start again. Let's track this from the beginning. Happy Hogan: Half hour till the ball drops. Tony Stark: Hey, do you want...? Party Guest: Tony Stark? Great speech, man! Happy Hogan: I got you, pal. Tony Stark: I gave a speech? How was it? Happy Hogan: Pitiful Maya Hansen: Unintelligible. Tony Stark: Really? Maya Hansen: Mmm-hmm. Tony Stark: It's my favorite kind, a winning combo. Maya Hansen: Where are we going? Tony Stark: Uh, to town on each other, probably back in your room. Cause I also wanna see your research. Maya Hansen: Okay, you can see my research, but that's...I'm not gonna show you my "town." Ho Yinsen: Mr. Stark Tony Stark: Oh, I finally met a man called "Ho." Ho Yinsen: I would like to introduce you to our guest, Dr. Wu. Tony Stark: Oh, this guy. Ho Yinsen: Mr. Stark. Tony Stark: Hey. You're a heart doctor. She's going to need a cardiologist after I... Maya Hansen: Bye. Ho Yinsen: Perhaps another time. Tony Stark: It started in Bern, Switzerland, 1999. Aldrich Killian: Mr. Stark! Tony Stark: I never thought they'd come back to bite me. Why would they? Aldrich Killian: Oh, wow! Hey, Tony! Aldrich Killian. I'm a big fan of your work! Maya Hansen: My work? Tony Stark: Who isn't? He means me. Aldrich Killian: Well, of course. But, Miss Hansen, my organization has been tracking your research since year two of MIT. Happy Hogan: Yeah, we're full. Tony Stark: Oh, wow. He made it. He made the cut. Happy Hogan: What floor are you going to, pal? Aldrich Killian: Oh, now, that is an appropriate question. The ground floor, actually. I've got a proposal I'm putting together with myself. It's a privately funded think tank called, Advanced Idea Mechanics. Tony Stark: Uh... she'll take both. Maya Hansen: Okay. Tony Stark: One to throw away and one to not call. Aldrich Killian: Advanced Idea Mechanics, or AIM for short. Do you get it? Tony Stark: I see that, cause it's on your t-shirt. Aldrich Killian: Aw! Tony Stark: Ladies, follow the mullet. Ladies first. Maya Hansen: Thank you, I'll call you. Tony Stark: I'm titillated by the notion of working with you. Aldrich Killian: Yeah? Tony Stark: Yeah, cheese clown. I'll see you up on the roof in five minutes. I'm just going to try to get my beef wet real quick. You know what I'm talkin' about? Aldrich Killian: I'll see you up there. Tony Stark: Damn betcha. Come on! I thought that was just a theory. Maya Hansen: Well, it was. If I'm right, we can access the area of the brain that governs repair... Tony Stark: Wow. Maya Hansen: ...And chemically recode it. Tony Stark: That's incredible. Essentially you're hacking into the genetic... Both: ...Genetic operating system... Tony Stark: ...of a... Maya Hansen: Exactly. Tony Stark: ...living organism. Maya Hansen: Yes. Tony Stark: Wow. Maya Hansen: Is that... Can you... Happy Hogan: What? Maya Hansen: Can you not touch my plant. It's not...she doesn't like it. She prefers... Tony Stark: She's not like the others. Come on. Let's go in the bedroom. Happy... Maya Hansen: That's cute, but... Tony Stark: Leave her ficus alone. Maya Hansen: Because... and, no, seriously don't. Tony Stark: And you're starting with plants? Maya Hansen: For now, yeah. Tony Stark: Huh. Maya Hansen: I'm calling it Extremis. Well, it's... Both: Human application. Maya Hansen: Exactly! Exactly. Dendritic revitalization. Tony Stark: It's revolutionary. Maya Hansen: Disease prevention... Tony Stark: Changes the world. Maya Hansen: ...even limb regrowth. Tony Stark: You're the most gifted woman I've ever met. Maya Hansen: Wow. Tony Stark: In Switzerland. Maya Hansen: Hmm, that's better. Aw, you're seeing things. Tony Stark: This week. You almost bought it, didn't you? Maya Hansen: This is what I'm talking about, the glitch. Tony Stark: Have you checked the telomerase algorithm? Maya Hansen: The what? Happy Hogan: Down! Stay down! Stay down, boss. Tony Stark: We're good. Happy Hogan: Stay down. Tony Stark: You're...you're right on me. I made it. What the hell was that? Happy Hogan: What was that? Maya Hansen: It's a glitch in my work. It's... Tony Stark: She was just talking about it. Glitches happening. Happy Hogan: It's not Y2K. Maya Hansen: No. Tony Stark: Hey! Happy Hogan: Happy New Year. Tony Stark: Happy New Year. Maya Hansen: Happy New Year. Tony Stark: Alright, I'll see you in the morning, goodnight. Happy Hogan: You good? Tony Stark: Yep. Happy Hogan: I'll be right outside. Tony Stark: Okay. So why am I telling you this? Because I had just created demons, and I didn't even know it. Yeah, those were the good times. Then I moved on. After a brief soiree in an Afghan cave, I said goodbye to the party scene. Forgot that night in Switzerland. These days I'm a changed man, I'm different now. I'm well... you know who I am. Ow! Jarvis: Sir, please may I request just a few hours to calibrate... Tony Stark: No. Forty-eight. Ah! Micro-repeater implanting sequence complete. Jarvis: As you wish, sir. I've also prepared a safety briefing for you to entirely ignore. Tony Stark: Which I will. Right, let's do this. Dummy. Hi, Dummy. How did you get that cap on your head? You earned it. Hey. Hey! What are you doing round in the corner? You know what you did. Blood on my mat, handle it. Jarvis: Sir, may I remind you that you've been awake for nearly seventy-two hours. Tony Stark: Focus up, ladies. Good evening, and welcome to the birthing suite. I'm pleased to announce the imminent arrival of your bouncing, bad-ass, baby brother. Start tight and go wide, stamp in time. Mark 42 autonomous prehensile propulsion suit test. Initialize sequence. Jarvis, drop my needle. Crap. Alright, I think we got this. Send 'em all. Probably a little fast, slow it down. Slow it down just a... ...little bit. Cool it, will you, Jarvis? Come on. I ain't scared of you. I'm the best. Jarvis: As always, sir, a great pleasure watching you work. Tony Stark: And I guess seventy-two hours isn't a long time between siesta's. Didn't think it could get any worse. Then I had to go and turn on the TV. That's when he happened. The Mandarin: Some people call me a terrorist, I consider myself a teacher. America, ready for another lesson. In 1864 in Sand Creek Colorado the U.S. military waited till the friendly Cheyenne braves all gone hunting, waited to attack and slaughter their families left behind, and claim their land. Thirty-nine hours ago the Ali Al Salem Air Base in Kuwait was attacked. I...I...I did that. A quaint military church filled with wives and children, of course. The soldiers were out on maneuvers, the braves were away. President Ellis, you continue to resist my attempts to educate you, sir. And now, you've missed me again. You know who I am, you don't know where I am, and you'll never see me coming. News Reporter #1: And now that we seem to be back, let's recap some of the frightening... News Reporter #2: American Airwaves were highjacked... News Reporter #3: The nation remains on high alert... News Reporter #4: All attempts to find the Mandarin have so far proved unsuccessful... President Ellis: Central to my Administration's response to this terrorist event, is a newly minted resource. I know him as Colonel James Rhodes, the American people will soon know him as the Iron Patriot. Bill Maher: And how is President Ellis responding? By taking the guy they call War Machine and giving him a paint job. Joan Rivers: Same suit, but painted red, white, and blue. Look at rhat. And they also renamed him Iron Patriot. You know, just in case the paint was too subtle. James Rhodes: It tested well with focus groups, alright? Tony Stark: I am Iron Patriot... James Rhodes: Listen, War Machine was a little too aggressive, alright? This sends a better message. Tony Stark: So what's really goin' on? With Mandarin. Seriously, can we talk about this guy? James Rhodes: It's classified information, Tony. Okay, there have been nine bombings. Tony Stark: Nine. James Rhodes: The public only knows about three. Here's the thing, nobody can ID a device. There's no bomb casings. Tony Stark: You know I can help, just ask. I got a ton of new tech, I got a prehensile, I got a...I got a new bomb disposal. Catches explosions mid-air. James Rhodes: When's the last time you got a good night's sleep? Tony Stark: Einstein slept three hours a year. Look what he did? James Rhodes: People are concerned about you, Tony. I'm concerned about you. Tony Stark: You're gonna come at me like that? James Rhodes: No. No, look, I'm not trying to be a dic... ...tator. Erin: Do you mind signing my drawing? Tony Stark: If Richard doesn't mind. You alright with this, Dick? James Rhodes: Fine with me. Tony Stark: What's your name? Erin: Erin. Tony Stark: I loved you in A Christmas Story, by the way. James Rhodes: Listen, the Pentagon is scared. After what happened in New York... aliens, come on. They need to look strong. Stopping the Mandarin is priority, but it's not... Tony Stark: It's not superhero business, I get it. James Rhodes: No, it's not, quite frankly. It's American business. Tony Stark: That's why I said I...got it. James Rhodes: Are you okay? Tony Stark: I broke the crayon. Erin: Are you okay, Mr. Stark? James Rhodes: Take it easy. Tony... Little Boy: How did you get out of the wormhole? How did you get out of the wormhole? James Rhodes: Wait a minute! Tony! Tony Stark: What'd he say?! James Rhodes: Tony! Tony Stark: Sorry. Have to check on the suit...make sure...okay. Check the heart, check the...check the...is it the brain? Jarvis: No sign of cardiac analomy or unusual brain activity. Tony Stark: Okay, so I was poisoned? Jarvis: My diagnosis is that you've experienced a severe anxiety attack. Tony Stark: Me? James Rhodes: Come on, man. This isn't a good look, open up. Tony Stark: Sorry, I gotta split. Happy Hogan: Badge. Badge. Come on, badge. Badge, guys. I put a memo in the toilet, come on. Tony has got them in his basement, they're wearing party hats. This is an asset that we can put to use. Pepper Potts: Uh-huh. So, you're suggesting that I replace the entire janitorial staff with robots? Happy Hogan: What I'm saying is that the human element of Human Resources is our biggest point of vulnerability. We should start phasing it out immediately. Pepper Potts: What!? Happy Hogan: Excuse me, Bambi. Pepper Potts: Did you just say that? Happy Hogan: Security. Pepper Potts: Happy? Happy Hogan: Yes. Pepper Potts: Okay, I am thrilled that you're now the Head of Security, okay? It is the perfect position for you. Happy Hogan: Thank you. Pepper Potts: However... Happy Hogan: I do appreciate it Pepper Potts: Since you've taken the post... Happy Hogan: You don't have to thank me. Pepper Potts: We've had a rise in staff complaints of three hundred percent Happy Hogan: Thank you. Pepper Potts: That's not a compliment. Happy Hogan: That's not a compli...? It is a compliment! Clearly somebody's trying to hide something. Pepper Potts: I... Pepper'S Assistant: Excuse me. Pepper Potts: Yes? Pepper'S Assistant: Miss Potts, your four o'clock is here. Pepper Potts: Thank you. Happy Hogan: Did you clear this four o'clock with me? Pepper Potts: Happy, we'll talk about this later. But right now I have to go deal with this very annoying thing. Happy Hogan: How so? Pepper Potts: I used to work with him, and he used to ask me out all the time. So it's a little awkward. Happy Hogan: I don't like the sound of that. Aldrich Killian: Pepper. Pepper Potts: Killian? Aldrich Killian: You look great. You look really great. Pepper Potts: God, you look...you look great. I... I...I can't... What on earth have you been doing? Aldrich Killian: Nothing fancy, just five years in the hands of physical therapists. And please, call me Aldrich. Happy Hogan: Uh...you were supposed to be issued a security badge. Pepper Potts: Happy, it's okay. Happy Hogan: Yes? Pepper Potts: We're good. Happy Hogan: You sure? Pepper Potts: Yes. Stand down. Happy Hogan: Okay. I'm gonna linger, right here. Pepper Potts: Thank you. Happy Hogan: Okay. Pepper Potts: It's very nice to see you, Killian. Happy Hogan: Hey, guy. Eric Savin: Merry Christmas. Aldrich Killian: After years dodging the President's ban on "immoral biotech research", my think tank now has a little something in the pipeline. It's an idea we like to call Extremis. I'm gonna turn your lights down. Regard the human brain. Uh...wait. Hold on, hold on. That's...that's the universe, my bad. But if I do that... That's the brain. Strangely mimetic though, wouldn't you say? Thanks, it's mine. Pepper Potts: What? Aldrich Killian: This...you're inside my head. It's a... It's a live feed. Come on up, I'll prove it to you. Come on. Now, pinch my arm. I can take it. Pinch me. Pepper Potts: What is that? Aldrich Killian: It's the primary somatosensory cortex. It's the brain's pain center. But this is what I wanted to show you. Now, Extremis harnesses our bioelectrical potential and it goes...here. This is essentially an empty slot, and what this tells us is that our mind, our entire DNA in fact, is destined to be upgraded. Pepper Potts: Wow. Happy Hogan: Hello? Tony Stark: Is this forehead of Security? Happy Hogan: What? You know, look, I got a real job. What do you want? I'm working, I got something going on here. Tony Stark: What? Harassing interns? Happy Hogan: Let me tell you something, you know what happened when I told people I was Iron Man's body guard? They would laugh in my face. I had to leave while I still had a shred of dignity. Now I got a real job, I'm watching Pepper. Tony Stark: What's going on? Fill me in. Happy Hogan: For real? Tony Stark: Yeah. Happy Hogan: Alright, so she's meeting up with this scientist. Rich guy, handsome. Tony Stark: Right. Happy Hogan: I couldn't make his face at first, right? You know I'm good with faces. Tony Stark: Oh, Yeah, yeah. You're the best. Happy Hogan: Yeah. Well, so I run his credentials, I make him Aldrich Killian. We actually met the guy back in... where were we in '99? The science conference? Tony Stark: Um...Switzerland. Happy Hogan: Right, right, exactly. Tony Stark: Killian? No, I don't remember that guy. Happy Hogan: Of course you don't. He's not a blond with a big rack. At first it was fine, they were talking business, but now it's like getting weird. He's showing her a big brain. Tony Stark: His what? Happy Hogan: Big brain, and she likes it. Here, let me show you. Hold on. See? Tony Stark: Look at what? You watching them? Flip the screen and then we can get started. Happy Hogan: I'm not a tech genius like you. Just...just trust me, get down down here. Tony Stark: Flip the screen, then I can see what they're doing. Happy Hogan: I can't! I don't know how to flip the screen! Don't talk to me like that anymore. You're not my boss. Alright, I don't work for you. Now I don't trust this guy. He's got another guy with him, he's shifty. Tony Stark: Relax. Happy Hogan: Seriously? Tony Stark: I'm just asking you to secure the perimeter. Tell him to go out for a drink or something? Happy Hogan: You know what? You should take more of an interest in what's going on here. This woman... this woman's the best thing that ever happened to you, and you...you're just ignoring her. Tony Stark: A giant brain? Happy Hogan: Yeah, there's a giant brain, there's a shifty character. I'm gonna follow this guy. I'm gonna run his plates and if it gets rough, so be it. Tony Stark: I miss you, Happy. Happy Hogan: Yeah, I miss you too. But the way it used to be. Now you're off with the 'superfriends', I don't know what's going on with you anymore. The world's getting weird... Tony Stark: Hey, I...I'd hate to cut you off. Do you have your taser on you? Happy Hogan: Why? Tony Stark: I think there's a gal in HR who's trying to steal some printer ink, you should probably go over there and zap her. Happy Hogan: Yeah, nice. Aldrich Killian: Imagine if you could hack into the hard drive of any living organism and recode its DNA. Pepper Potts: It would be incredible. Aldrich Killian: Mm. Pepper Potts: Unfortunately, to my ears it also sounds highly weaponizable. As in enhanced soldiers, private armies, and Tony is not... Aldrich Killian: Tony. Tony. You know, I invited Tony to join AIM thirteen years ago, he turned me down. But something tells me now there is a new genius on the throne who doesn't have to answer to Tony anymore, and who has slightly less of an ego. Pepper Potts: It's gonna be a no, Aldrich. As much as I'd like to help you. Aldrich Killian: Well, I can't say that I'm not disappointed. But then as my father used to say, 'Failure is the fog through which we glimpse triumph.' Pepper Potts: That's very deep. Aldrich Killian: Mm Pepper Potts: And I have no idea what it means. Aldrich Killian: Well, me neither. He was kind of an idiot, my old man. I'm sure I'll see you again, Pepper. Pepper Potts: Happy... Happy Hogan: The car is ready, if you're ready to go. Pepper Potts: Yes. I just um... God, I forgot my... other thing, so... I'm just gonna... I'm sorry I'm late. I was... What the...? What is that?! You're wearing this in the house now? What is that, like Mark 15? Tony Stark: Uh...yeah. Something like that. You know everybody needs a hobby. Pepper Potts: Oh, and you have to wear your hobby in the living room? Tony Stark: Just breakin' it in. You know, it's always a little pinchy in the gooey bag at first, so. Oh hey, did you see your Christmas present? Pepper Potts: Yes, I did. I...I don't know how I could have missed that Christmas present. Is it gonna fit through the door? Tony Stark: Well actually, uh...it's a good question. I got a team of guys comin' tomorrow, they're gonna blow out that wall. Pepper Potts: Okay. Tony Stark: So, uh...tense? Good day? Ooh shoulders, a little naughty. Naughty girl. I don't wanna harp on this, but did you like the custom rabbit? Pepper Potts: Did I like it? Tony Stark: Nailed it, right? Pepper Potts: Wow. I appreciate the thought very much. So why don't you lift up that face mask and give me a kiss? Tony Stark: Huh. Yup, dammit. No can do. You wanna just kiss it on the... Pepper Potts: Uh-huh. Tony Stark: The facial slit? Pepper Potts: Well, why don't I run down to the garage and see if I can't find a crowbar to shimmy that thing open? Tony Stark: Crowbar. Yeah. Oh, except there's been a...uh...a radiation leak. Pepper Potts: I'll take my chances. Tony Stark: That's risky. At least let me get you like a Hazmat suit or a Geiger counter or something like that. Busted. Pepper Potts: This is a new level of lame. Tony Stark: Sorry. Pepper Potts: You ate without me, already? On date night? Tony Stark: He was just... Pepper Potts: You mean you? Tony Stark: Well, yeah. I just mean we were just...just hosting you while I finished up a little work. Pepper Potts: Uh-huh. Tony Stark: And yes, I had a quick bite. I didn't know if you were comin' home or if you were having drinks with Aldrich Killian. Pepper Potts: What? Tony Stark: What? Pepper Potts: Aldrich Killian? What are you checking up on me? Tony Stark: Happy was concerned. Pepper Potts: No, you're spying on me. Tony Stark: I wasn't... Pepper Potts: I'm going to bed. Tony Stark: Hold on. Come on. Pep. Hey, I admit it! My fault. Sorry. I'm a piping hot mess. It's been going on for a while, I haven't said anything. Nothing's been the same since New York. Pepper Potts: Oh really? Well, I didn't notice that, at all. Tony Stark: You experience things and then they're over and you still can't explain 'em. Gods, aliens, other dimensions. I...I'm just a man in a can. The only reason I haven't cracked up is probably because you moved in. Which is great. I love you, I'm lucky. But, honey, I can't sleep. You go to bed, I come down here. I do what I know, I tinker. But threat is imminent, and I have to protect the one thing that I can't live without. That's you. My suits, they're uh... Pepper Potts: Machines. Tony Stark: They're part of me. Pepper Potts: A distraction. Tony Stark: Maybe. Pepper Potts: I'm gonna take a shower. Tony Stark: Okay. Pepper Potts: And you're gonna join me. Tony Stark: Better. Pepper Potts: Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony... Tony Stark: Power down! I must have called it in my sleep. That's not supposed to happen. I'll recalibrate the sensors. Can we just...just let me...just let me catch my breath, okay? Don't go, alright? Pepper? Pepper Potts: I'm going to sleep downstairs. Tinker with that. Eric Savin: Can you regulate? Jack Taggart: Yes, I can regulate. Eric Savin: Are you sure about that? Jack Taggart: Yes. Eric Savin: It's a decent batch. Don't say I never did nothin' for you. Jack Taggart: Thank you...I mean for understanding. Happy Hogan: I'm sorry, buddy. Eric Savin: What are you doin', buddy? You out by yourself? A little date night? Watching your favorite chick flick maybe? Happy Hogan: Yeah, a little movie called "The Party's Over", starring you and your junkie girlfriend, and here's the ticket. Eric Savin: No kidding? That doesn't belong to you. Jack Taggart: Savin! Eric Savin: What? Jack Taggart: Help! Help me! The Mandarin: True story about fortune cookies. They look Chinese, they sound Chinese, but they're actually an American invention. Which is why they're hollow, full of lies, and leave a bad taste in the mouth. My disciples just destroyed another cheap American knock-off, The Chinese Theater. Mr. President, I know this must be getting frustrating, but this season of terror is drawing to a close. And don't worry, the big one is coming; your graduation. Tony Stark: Hi. Happy'S Nurse: Oh. Tony Stark: Uh...mind leaving that on? Happy'S Nurse: Sure. Tony Stark: Sunday night's PBS 'Downtown Abbey'. That's his show, he thinks it's elegant. One more thing...make sure everyone wears their badges. He's a stickler for that sort of thing, plus my guys won't let anyone in without them. Hospital News Reporter: We're awaiting the arrival of Tony Stark. We're hoping he'll give us the reaction...his reaction to the latest attack. Mr. Stark! Mr. Stark! Our sources are telling us that this is another Mandarin attack. Anything else you can tell us? Pushy Tabloid Reporter: Hey, Mr. Stark! When is somebody gonna kill this guy? Just sayin'. Tony Stark: Is that what you want? Here's a little Holiday greeting I've been wanting to send to the Mandarin. I just didn't know how to phrase it until now. My name is Tony Stark and I'm not afraid of you. I know you're a coward, so I've decided that you just died, pal. I'm gonna come get the body. There's no politics here; it's just good old-fashioned revenge. There's no Pentagon; it's just you and me. And on the off-chance you're a man, here's my home address: 10-8-80, Malibu Point, 9-0-2-6-5. I'll leave the door unlocked. That's what you wanted, right? Bill me. Jarvis: I've compiled a Mandarin database for you, sir. Drawn from S.H.I.E.L.D., F.B.I., and C.I.A. intercepts. Initiating virtual crime scene reconstruction. Tony Stark: Okay, what do we got here? His name is an ancient Chinese war mantle, meaning "adviser to the King". South American insurgency tactics, talks like a Baptist preacher. There's lots of pageantry going on here...lots of theater. Close. Jarvis: The heat from the blast was in excess of 3000 degrees Celsius. Any subjects within 12.5 yards were vaporized instantly. Tony Stark: No bomb parts found in a three mile radius of the Chinese theater. Jarvis: No, sir. Tony Stark: Talk to me, Happy. When is a bomb not a bomb? When is a bomb not a bomb? Any military victims? Jarvis: Not according to public records, sir. Tony Stark: Bring up the thermogenic signatures again, factor in three thousand degrees. Jarvis: The oracle cloud has completed analysis. Accessing satellites and plotting the last twelve months of thermogenic occurrence now. Tony Stark: Take away everywhere that there's been a Mandarin attack. Nope. That. You sure that's not one of his? Jarvis: It predates any known Mandarin attack. The incident was the use of a bomb to assist a suicide. Tony Stark: Bring her around. Jarvis: The heat signature is remarkably similar. Three thousand degrees Celsius. Tony Stark: That's two military guys. Ever been to Tennessee, Jarvis? Jarvis: Creating a flight plan for Tennessee. Tony Stark: Are we still at "ding-dong"? We're supposed to be on total security lock down. Come on, I threatened a terrorist. Who is that? Jarvis: There's only so much I can do, sir, when you give the world's press your home address. Tony Stark: Right there's fine. You're not the Mandarin, are you? Are you? Maya Hansen: You don't remember. Why am I not surprised? Tony Stark: Don't take it personally, I don't remember what I had for breakfast. Jarvis: Gluten-free waffles, sir. Tony Stark: That's right. Maya Hansen: Okay, look, I need to be alone with you. Someplace not here, it's urgent. Tony Stark: Normally, I'd go for that sort of thing, but now I'm in a committed relationship. It's...with her. Pepper Potts: Tony, is somebody there? Tony Stark: Yeah, it's Maya Hansen. Old botanist pal that I used to know, barely. Please don't tell me that there is a twelve year-old kid waiting in the car that I've never met. Maya Hansen: He's thirteen. And no, I need your help. Tony Stark: What...what for? Why now? Maya Hansen: Because I read the papers, and, frankly, I don't think you'll last the week. Tony Stark: I'll be fine. Pepper Potts: I'm sorry. With Happy in the hospital, I didn't know we were expecting guests. Tony Stark: We weren't. Maya Hansen: No, I... Pepper Potts: And old girlfriends! Tony Stark: She's not really. Maya Hansen: No, not really. It...it was just one night. Tony Stark: Yep. Pepper Potts: That's how you did it, isn't it? Yep. Tony Stark: It was a great night. Pepper Potts: Well, you know... Maya Hansen: Yeah. Pepper Potts: You have saved yourself a world of pain. Maya Hansen: I'm sure. Tony Stark: What? Pepper Potts: Trust me. We're going out of town. Tony Stark: Okay, we've been through this. Nope. Pepper Potts: Yep! Tony Stark: The man says no. Pepper Potts: Immediately and indefinitely! Tony Stark: Honey... Maya Hansen: Great idea. Let's go. Tony Stark: I'm sorry. That's a terrible idea. Please don't touch her bags. Pepper Potts: Tony, this is how normal people behave. Tony Stark: I can't protect you out there. I challenged... Maya Hansen: Is...is that normal? Tony Stark: Yes, this is normal! Pepper Potts: Sadly, that...is very normal. Tony Stark: It's a big bunny, relax about it! Pepper Potts: Calm down! Tony Stark: I got this for you. Pepper Potts: I'm aware of that. Tony Stark: You still haven't even told me that you liked it! Pepper Potts: I don't like it! Tony Stark: I asked you three... You don't like it?! Pepper Potts: Tony, we are leaving the house; that's not even up for discussion. Tony Stark: I said no. Maya Hansen: Guys, can we um... Tony Stark: What? Maya Hansen: Do we need to worry about that? Pepper Potts: I got you. Tony Stark: I got you first. Like I said, we can't stay here. Move! I'm right behind! Get her, I'm gonna find a way around. Stop stopping! Get her, get outside! Go! Pepper Potts: Oh my God. Tony! Jarvis: Sir, Miss Potts is clear of the structure. Tony Stark: Jarvis, where's my flight power?! Jarvis: Working on it, sir. This is a prototype. Tony Stark: That's one. Jarvis: Sir, the suit is not combat-ready. Tony Stark: That's two. Pepper Potts: Tony! Jarvis: Sir, take a deep breath. Flight power restored. Sir. Sir! Tony Stark: Alright, kill the alarm. I got it. Jarvis: That's the emergency alert triggered by the power dropping below five percent. Tony Stark: It's snowing, right? Where are we, upstate? Jarvis: We're five miles outside of Rose Hills, Tennessee. Tony Stark: Why?! Jarvis! Not my idea! What are we doing here? This is thousands of miles away, I gotta get Pepper, I gotta... Jarvis: I prepared a flight plan. This was the location. Tony Stark: Who asked you? Open the suit. Jarvis: I...I think I may be malfunctioning, sir. Tony Stark: Open eject. That's brisk! Maybe I'll just cozy back up for a bit. Jarvis: I actually think I need to sleep now, sir. Tony Stark: Jarvis. Jarvis? Don't leave me, buddy. Computer Voice: Stark Secure Server: Now transferring to all known receivers. Tony Stark: Pepper, it's me. I've got a lot of apologies to make and not a lot of time. So first off, I'm so sorry I put you in harm's way. That was selfish and stupid and it won't happen again. Also, it's Christmas time, the rabbit's too big. Done. Sorry. And I'm sorry in advance because...I can't come home yet. I need to find this guy. You gotta stay safe. That's all I know. I just stole a poncho from a wooden Indian. Let's get you comfy. You happy now? Harley Keener: Freeze! Don't move. Tony Stark: You got me. Nice potato gun. Barrel's a little long. Between that and the wide gauge, it's gonna diminish your FPS. And now you're out of ammo. Harley Keener: What's that thing on your chest? Tony Stark: It's a electromagnet. You should know, you've got a box of them right here. Harley Keener: What does it power? Oh my God! Oh my god! That... that's... Is that Iron Man? Tony Stark: Technically, I am. Harley Keener: Technically, you're dead. Tony Stark: A valid point. Harley Keener: What happened to him? Tony Stark: Life. I built him, I take care of him, I'll fix him. Harley Keener: Like a mechanic? Tony Stark: Yeah. Harley Keener: Oh. If I was building Iron Man and War Machine. Tony Stark: It's Iron Patriot now. Harley Keener: That's way cooler! Tony Stark: No, it's not. Harley Keener: Anyways, I would have added in um... the retro... Tony Stark: Retroreflective panels? Harley Keener: To make him stealth mode. Tony Stark: You want a stealth mode? Harley Keener: Cool, right? Tony Stark: That's actually a good idea. Maybe I'll build one. Harley Keener: Oops! Tony Stark: Not a good idea! What are you doing? You're gonna break his finger? He's in pain, he's been injured. Leave him alone. Harley Keener: S...Sorry. Tony Stark: Are you? Don't worry about it, I'll fix it. So, uh, who's home? Harley Keener: Well, my mom already left for the diner and dad went to 7-Eleven to get scratchers. I... I guess he won, 'cause that was six years ago. Tony Stark: Mm. Which happens, dads leave. No need to be a pussy about it. Here's what I need: a laptop, a digital watch, a cell phone, the pneumatic actuator from your bazooka over there, a map of town, a big spring, and a tuna fish sandwich. Harley Keener: What's in it for me? Tony Stark: Salvation. What's his name? Harley Keener: Who? Tony Stark: The kid that bullies you at school, what's his name? Harley Keener: How'd you know that? Tony Stark: I got just the thing. This is a pinata for a cricket. I'm kidding, it's a very powerful weapon. Point it away from your face, press the button on top. It discourages bullying. Non-lethal, just to cover one's ass. Deal? Deal? What'd you say? Harley Keener: Deal. Tony Stark: Deal? What's you're name? Harley Keener: Harley. And you're... Tony Stark: The mechanic. Tony You know what keeps going through my head? Where's my sandwich? Computer Voice: Stark Secure Server. Retinal scan: Verified. Tony Stark: Pepper, it's me. I've got a lot of apologies to make and not a lot of time. So first off, I'm so sorry I put you in harm's way. That was selfish and stupid and it won't happen again. Pepper Potts: Why were you at the house tonight? What was so important that you had to speak to Tony? Maya Hansen: I think that my boss is working for the Mandarin. So if you still want to talk about it, I suggest that we get ourselves someplace safe. Pepper Potts: Your boss works for the Mandarin, you think? But Tony says you're a botanist, so... Maya Hansen: That figures. What I actually am is a biological DNA coder running a team of forty out of a privately-funded think tank, but sure you can call me a botanist. Pepper Potts: This boss of yours, does he have a name? Maya Hansen: Yeah, Aldrich Killian. Eric Savin: Well, we took the house down, sir... Aldrich Killian: Mmhmm. Eric Savin: But there's no sign of a body. Aldrich Killian: I see. Eric Savin: No Stark. Aldrich Killian: I have to go. The Master is about to record and he's a little... Well, you know how he gets. Keep your appointment tonight and call me when it's done. Alright everybody. No talking and no eye contact, unless you wanna get shot in the face. Mandarin Look-Out: The Master is travelling. The Mandarin: Well then. What are we waiting for? Tony Stark: The sandwich was fair, the spring was a little rusty, the rest of the materials, I'll make do. By the way, when you said your sister had a watch, I was kinda hoping for something a little more than that. Harley Keener: She's six! Anyway, it's limited edition. When can we talk about New York? Tony Stark: Maybe never, relax about it. Harley Keener: What about The Avengers, can you talk about them? Tony Stark: I don't know, later. Hey kid, give me a little space. What's the official story here? What happened? Harley Keener: I guess this guy named Chad Davis, used to live roundabouts, won a bunch of medals in the army. One day, folks said he went crazy and made, you know, a bomb. Then he blew himself up right here. Tony Stark: Six people died, right? Harley Keener: Yeah. Tony Stark: Including Chad Davis? Harley Keener: Yeah. Tony Stark: Yeah. That doesn't make sense. Think about it. Six dead, only five shadows. Harley Keener: Yeah, people said these shadows are like the mark of souls gone to Heaven. Except the bomb guy, he went to Hell on account of he didn't get a shadow. That's why there's only five. Tony Stark: Do you buy that? Harley Keener: That's what everyone says. You know what this crater reminds me of? Tony Stark: No idea. I'm not...I don't care. Harley Keener: That giant wormhole, in um...in New York. Does it remind you? Tony Stark: That's manipulative. I don't want to talk about it. Harley Keener: Are they coming back? The aliens? Tony Stark: Maybe. Can you stop? Remember when I told you, that I have an anxiety issue? Harley Keener: Does this subject make you...make you edgy? Tony Stark: Yeah, a little bit. Can I just catch my breath for a second? Harley Keener: Are there bad guys in Rose Hills? Do you...do you need a plastic bag to breathe into? Do you have medication? Tony Stark: Nope. Harley Keener: Do you need to be on it? Tony Stark: Probably. Harley Keener: Do you have PTSD? Tony Stark: I don't think so. Harley Keener: Are you...are you going completely mental? I can stop, do you want me to stop? Do you want me to stop? Tony Stark: Remember when I said to stop doing that? I swear to God, you're going to freak me out! Ah man, you did it, didn't you? You happy now? Harley Keener: What did I say? Hey, wait up! Wait, wait. What the hell was that? Tony Stark: Your fault, you spazzed me out. Okay, back to business. Where were we? The guy who died...relatives? Mom? Mrs. Davis, where is she? Harley Keener: Where she always is. Tony Stark: See, now you're being helpful. Sorry. Lady, this uh... Brandt: Thank you. Tony Stark: Nice haircut, suits you. Brandt: Nice watch. Tony Stark: Yeah, limited edition. Brandt: Oh, I don't doubt it. Well, have a good evening. Tony Stark: Mrs. Davis, mind if I join you? Mrs. Davis: Free country. Tony Stark: It sure is. Mrs. Davis: Alright. Where'd you like to start? Tony Stark: I just want to say I'm sorry about your loss. I want to know what you think happened. Mrs. Davis: Look, I brought your damn file. You take it and go. Whatever was in here, he wanted no part of it. Tony Stark: Clearly, you're waiting for someone else. Yeah? Supposed to meet somebody here? Mrs. Davis: Yeah. Tony Stark: Mrs. Davis, your son didn't kill himself, I guarantee you. He didn't kill anyone. Someone used him. Mrs. Davis: What? Tony Stark: As a weapon. Mrs. Davis: You're not the person who called me after all, are you? Brandt: Actually, I am. Rose Hills Sheriff: Hey, hey, hey! What's all this about? What the hell's going on here? Brandt: It's called an arrest. Sheriff, is it? Rose Hills Sheriff: Yes ma'am, it is. And you are? Brandt: Homeland Security. We good here? Rose Hills Sheriff: No, we're not good. I need a little more information than that. Brandt: Well, I think it's a little above your pay grade, Sheriff. Rose Hills Sheriff: Yeah, well, why don't you get on the horn to Nashville and uh...upgrade me? Brandt: Alright, you know what? I was hoping to do this the smart way, but uh...the fun way's always good. Rose Hills Sheriff: Deputy, get this woman and... Tony Stark: Hey hot wings, you wanna party? You and me, let's go. Crazy, huh? Rose Hill Christmas Tree Shopper: Yeah. Tony Stark: Watch this. You walked right into this one, I've dated hotter chicks than you. Brandt: That's all you got? Cheap trick and a cheesy one-liner? Tony Stark: Sweetheart, that could be the name of my autobiography. Harley Keener: Let me go! Eric Savin: Help me! Help me! Hey kid, what would you like for Christmas? Harley Keener: Mr. Stark, I am so sorry! Eric Savin: Oh. No, no. I think he was trying to say, "I want my god damn file." Tony Stark: It's not your fault, kid. Remember what I told you about bullies. Do you like that, Westworld? That's the thing about smart guys, we always cover our ass. Harley Keener: You're welcome Tony Stark: For what? Did I miss something? Harley Keener: Me saving your life Tony Stark: Yeah. A, saved you first. B, thanks, sort of. And C, if you do someone a solid, don't be a yutz, alright? Just play it cool otherwise you come off grandiose. Harley Keener: Unlike you? Admit it, you need me. We're connected. Tony Stark: What I need is for you to go home, be with your mom, keep your trap shut, guard the suit and stay connected to the telephone because if I call, you better pick up. Okay, can you feel that? We're done here. Move it out the way or I'm going to run you over. Bye kid. I'm sorry, kid, you did good. Harley Keener: So now you're just going to leave me here, like my dad? Tony Stark: Yep Wait, you're guilt tripping me, aren't you? Harley Keener: I'm cold. Tony Stark: I can tell. You know how I can tell? Cus we're connected. Harley Keener: It was worth a shot. Government Employee: Mr Vice President, I think you should see this. Vice President: Oh god, not again. Is the President getting this? The Mandarin: Mr President. Only two lessons remain and I intend to finish this before Christmas morning. Meet Thomas Richards. Good strong name. Good strong job. Thomas, here, is an accountant for the Roxxon Oil Corporation. But I'm sure he's a really good guy. I'm going to shoot him in the head, live on your television in 30 seconds. Thomas Richards: No! The Mandarin: The number for this telephone is in your cell phone. Exciting, isn't it, imagining how it got there? America, if your president calls me in the next half-minute, Tom lives. Go! Government Official #1: How did he hack my phone? Government Official #2: We can't allow terrorists to dictate... President Ellis: I have to make this call. Government Official #2: I'd strongly advise against that. President Ellis: This is the right thing to do. The Mandarin: There's just one lesson left, President Ellis. So run away, hide, kiss your children goodbye. Because nothing, not your army, not your red, white and blue attack dog, can save you. I'll see you soon. President Ellis: Tell Rhodes, find this lunatic right now. Military Aide: Sir, we tracked the broadcast signal. We have a possible point of origin in Pakistan and the Patriot is ready to strike. President Ellis: Right now. Military Aide: Yes, sir. Tony Stark: Man. Happy, Happy, Happy- James Rhodes: Don't move! Uh... Hang on a second. Hello? Tony Stark: You ever have a chick straddling you and you look up and suddenly she's glowing from the inside out, kind of a bright orange? James Rhodes: Yeah, I've had that. Who is this? Tony Stark: It's me, pal. Now, last time I went missing, if I remember correctly, you came looking for me. What are you doing? James Rhodes: A little knock-and-talk, making friends in Pakistan. What are you doing? Tony Stark: Your redesign, your big rebrand, that was AIM, right? James Rhodes: Yeah. Tony Stark: I'm gonna find a heavy-duty comm sat right now, I need your login. James Rhodes: It's the same as it's always been, "WarMachine68." Tony Stark: And password, please. James Rhodes: Well, look, I gotta change it every time you hack in, Tony. Tony Stark: It's not the '80s, nobody says "hack" any more. Give me your login. James Rhodes: "WAR MACHINE ROX" with an "X," all caps. Tony Stark: That is so much better than "lron Patriot." Emcee: Very nice. Very nice. I have one question for you. What would you like for Christmas this year? Elk Ridge: Well, David... Crew: Do not erase a programme from my DVR unless you are 100% sure... Emcee: One more time! Ms Elk Ridge, everybody! All right. Gary: Because you erase my shows! Tony Stark: That ain't gonna cut it. Gary: We talked about this. Excuse me, sir. I don't know who... Tony Stark: Shh. Gary: Mom, I need to call you back. Something magical is happening. Tony Stark is in my van. Tony Stark: Shh. Keep it down. Gary: Tony Stark is in my van! Tony Stark: No, he's not. Gary: I knew you were still alive! Tony Stark: Come on in. Close the door. Shh... Gary: Oh, wow. Can I just say, sir... Tony Stark: Yep. Gary: I am your biggest fan. Tony Stark: Okay. First, is this your van? Is anyone else gonna come in? Gary: No, no, no. Just us. Tony Stark: Great. What's your name? Gary: Gary Tony Stark: Gary? Gary: Oh, wow. Tony Stark: Right there is fine. Gary: Okay. Tony Stark: Okay? I get a lot of this, it's okay. Gary: Oh, good. Can I just say? Tony Stark: What do you want? Gary: Yeah. I don't know if you can tell, but I have, like, patterned my whole look after you. My hair's a little... Tony Stark: It's fine. Gary: It's not right, 'cause there's no product in it. Tony Stark: Right. Gary: I don't want to make things awkward for you, but I do have to show you... Boom! Tony Stark: A Hispanic Scott Baio. I'm sorry. Is that me? Gary: Yeah. It's... I mean... I had them do it off a doll that I made, so it's not like it's off a picture. So it's a little bit... Tony Stark: Gary. Listen to me, okay? I don't want to clip your wings, here. We're both a little over-excited. I got an issue. I'm chasing bad guys. I'm trying to grab a little something from some hard-crypt data files. I don't have enough juice. I need you to jump on the roof... Right? Recalibrate the lSDNs. Pump it up by about 40%. Gary: Got it. Tony Stark: All right? It's a mission. Gary: Yeah. Tony Stark: Tony needs Gary. Gary: And Gary needs Tony. Tony Stark: Be quiet about it. Go. Gary: Yeah. Aldrich Killian: What would you regard as the defining moment of your life? Chad Davis: Well, uh, I think that would be the day I decided not to let my injury beat me. Aldrich Killian: Will you please state your name for the camera? Brandt: Ellen Brandt. Aldrich Killian: Okay. So, the injections are administered periodically. Addiction will not be tolerated. And those who cannot regulate will be out from the programme. Once misfits, cripples... You are the next iteration of human evolution. Everybody, before we start... I promise you, looking back at your life, there will be nothing as bitter as the memory of that glorious risk you prudently elected to forego. Today is your glory- Let's begin. We gotta get out of here! We gotta get out of here! Get her out! Get them out of here! Tony Stark: A bomb is not a bomb when it's a misfire. The stuff doesn't always work. Right, pal? It's faulty, but you found a buyer, didn't you? Sold it to the Mandarin. Got you, pal. Maya Hansen: What happened? Fun fact. Before he built rockets for the Nazis, the idealistic Wernher von Braun dreamed of space travel. He stargazed. Do you know what he said when the first V-2 hit London? "The rocket performed perfectly. It just landed on the wrong planet." See, we all begin wide-eyed. Pure science. And then the ego steps in, the obsession. And you look up, you're a long way from shore. Pepper Potts: You can't be too hard on yourself, Maya. I mean, you gave your research to a think tank. Maya Hansen: Yeah, but Killian built that think tank on military contracts. Pepper Potts: That's exactly what we used to do. So, don't judge yourself. Maya Hansen: Thank you, Pepper. I really appreciate that. Pepper Potts: Maya, run! Aldrich Killian: Hi, Pepper. So, you want to tell me why you were at Stark's mansion last night? Maya Hansen: I'm trying to fix this thing. I didn't know you and the master were gonna blow the place up. Aldrich Killian: Oh, I see. So, you were trying to save Stark when he threatened us? Maya Hansen: I've told you, Killian, we can use him. Aldrich Killian: Pepper. Pepper. Pepper. Maya Hansen: Look, if we want to launch product next year, I need Stark. He just lacked a decent incentive. Now, he has one. Man: This is support team Blue-Zero. Sending coordinates for a suspected Mandarin broadcast point of origin. James Rhodes: Copy. Nobody move. Oh. Support Blue-Zero, unless the Mandarin's next attack on the U.S. involves cheaply-made sportswear, I think you messed up again. Yes, you're free, uh, if you weren't before. It's... Of course. Yes, ma'am. Iron Patriot on the job. Happy to help. No need to thank me, ma'am. It's my pleasure. Woman: Savin? I've acquired the Patriot armour. James Rhodes: If you want this suit, you're going to have to pry my cold dead body out of it. Woman: That's the plan, Colonel. Tony Stark: Harley, tell me what's happening. Give me a full report. Harley Keener: Yeah, I'm still eating that candy. Do you want me to keep eating it? Tony Stark: How much have you had? Harley Keener: Two or three bowls. Tony Stark: Can you still see straight? Harley Keener: Sort of. Tony Stark: That means you're fine. Give me Jarvis. Jarvis, how are we? Jarvis: It's totally fine, sir. I seem to do quite well for a stretch, and then at the end of the sentence I say the wrong cranberry. And, sir, you were right. Once I factored in available AIM downlink facilities I was able to pinpoint the Mandarin's broadcast signal. Tony Stark: What are we talking? Far East, Europe, North Africa, Iran, Pakistan, Syria? Where is it? Jarvis: Actually, sir, it's in Miami. Tony Stark: Okay, kid, I'm gonna have to walk you through rebooting Jarvis's speech drive, but not right now. Harley, where is he really? Just look on the screen and tell me where it is. Harley Keener: Um, it does say Miami, Florida. Tony Stark: Okay, first things first, I need the armour. Where are we at with it? Harley Keener: Uh, it's not charging. Jarvis: Actually, sir, it is charging, but the power source is questionable. It may not succeed in revitalising the Mark 42. Tony Stark: What's questionable about electricity? All right? It's my suit, and I can't... I'm not gonna... I don't wanna... Oh, God, not again. Harley Keener: Tony? Are you having another attack? I didn't even mention New York. Tony Stark: Right, and then you just said it by name while denying having said it. Harley Keener: Okay, um, uh... Tony Stark: God, what am I gonna do? Harley Keener: Just breathe. Really, just breathe. You're a mechanic, right? Tony Stark: Right. Harley Keener: You said so. Tony Stark: Yes, I did. Harley Keener: Why don't you just build something? Tony Stark: Okay. Thanks, kid. Woman: Why is it so hot in here? I told you to put it at 68. Man: My fault again. Let me tell you something, sweetheart. I am not your personal air con... The Mandarin: Well, I wouldn't go in there for 20 minutes. Now, which one of you is Vanessa? Vanessa: That's me. The Mandarin: Ah! Nessie. Did you know that fortune cookies aren't even Chinese? Vanessa: There's some guy over here. The Mandarin: They're made by Americans, based on a Japanese recipe. Tony Stark: Hey! The Mandarin: Bloody hell. Bloody hell. Tony Stark: Don't move. The Mandarin: I'm not moving. You want something? Take it. Although the guns are all fake because those wankers wouldn't trust me with the real ones. Tony Stark: What? The Mandarin: Hey, do you fancy either of the birds? Tony Stark: Heard enough. You're not him. The Mandarin, the real guy. Where? Where's the Mandarin? Where is he? The Mandarin: Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's here. He's here, but he's not here. He's here, but he's not here. Tony Stark: What do you mean? The Mandarin: It's complicated. Hey, it's complicated. Tony Stark: It is? The Mandarin: It's complicated. Tony Stark: Uncomplicate it. Ladies, out. Get out of the bed. Get into the bathroom. Sit. The Mandarin: My name is Trevor. Trevor Slattery. Tony Stark: What are you? What are you, a decoy? You're a double, right? Trevor Slattery: What, you mean like an understudy? No, absolutely not. Don't hurt the face! I'm an actor. Tony Stark: You got a minute to live. Fill it with words. Trevor Slattery: It's just a role. "The Mandarin," see, it's not real. Tony Stark: Then how did you get here, Trevor? Trevor Slattery: Um. Well, I, um, had a little problem with, um, substances. And I ended up, um, doing things, no two ways about it, in the street, that a man shouldn't do. Tony Stark: Next? Trevor Slattery: Then, they approached me about the role, and they knew about the drugs. Tony Stark: What did they say? They'd get you off them? Trevor Slattery: They said they'd give me more. They gave me things. They gave me this palace. They gave me plastic surgery. They gave me things. Tony Stark: Did you just nod off? Hey. Trevor Slattery: No, and a lovely speedboat. And the thing was, he needed someone to take credit for some accidental explosions. Tony Stark: "He"? Killian? Trevor Slattery: Killian. Tony Stark: He created you? Trevor Slattery: He created me. Tony Stark: Custom-made terror threat. Trevor Slattery: Yes. Yes. His think tank thinked it up. The pathology of a serial killer. The manipulation of Western iconography. Ready for another lesson? Blah, blah, blah. No. Of course, it was my performance that brought the Mandarin to life. Tony Stark: Your performance? Where people died? Trevor Slattery: No, they didn't. Look around you. The costumes, green screen. Honestly, I wasn't on location for half this stuff. And when I was, it was movie magic, love. Tony Stark: I'm sorry, but I got a best friend who's in a coma and he might not wake up. So you're gonna have to answer for that. You're still going down, pal. You under... Eric Savin: Okay, Trevor, what did you tell him? Trevor Slattery: I didn't tell him anything. Eric Savin: Nothing? Trevor Slattery: No. Eric Savin: You should have pressed the panic button. Trevor Slattery: Well, I panicked, but then I handled it. Tony Stark: Ah... Okay. Maya Hansen: It's just like old times, huh? Tony Stark: Oh, yeah. With zip ties. It's a ball. Maya Hansen: It wasn't my idea. Tony Stark: Okay. So you took Killian's card. Maya Hansen: I took his money. Tony Stark: And here you are 13 years later, in a dungeon. Maya Hansen: No. Tony Stark: Yeah. Maya Hansen: No, you're in a dungeon. I'm free to go. Tony Stark: Yeah? Maya Hansen: A lot has happened, Tony. But I'm close. Extremis is practically stabilised. Tony Stark: I'm telling you it isn't. I'm on the street. People are going bang. They're painting the walls. Maya, you're kidding yourself. Maya Hansen: Then help me fix it. Tony Stark: Did I do that? Maya Hansen: Yes. Tony Stark: I remember the night, not the morning. Is this what you've been chasing around? Maya Hansen: You don't remember? Tony Stark: I can't help you. You used to have a moral psychology. You used to have ideals. You wanted to help people. Now look at you. I get to wake up every morning with someone who still has their soul. Get me out of here. Come on. Aldrich Killian: You know what my old man used to say to me? One of his favourite of many sayings... "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." Tony Stark: You're not still pissed off about the Switzerland thing, are you? Aldrich Killian: How can I be pissed at you, Tony? I'm here to thank you. You gave me the greatest gift that anybody's ever given me. Desperation. If you think back to Switzerland, you said you'd meet me on the rooftop, right? Well, for the first 20 minutes, I actually thought you'd show up. And the next hour... I considered taking that one-step shortcut to the lobby. If you know what I mean. Tony Stark: Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out what happened to the first mouse. Aldrich Killian: But as I looked out over that city, nobody knew I was there, nobody could see me, no one was even looking. I had a thought that would guide me for years to come. Anonymity, Tony. Thanks to you, it's been my mantra ever since. Right? You simply rule from behind the scenes. Because the second you give evil a face, a bin Laden, a Gaddafi, a Mandarin, you hand the people a target. Tony Stark: You're something else. Aldrich Killian: You have met him, I assume? Tony Stark: Yes. Sir Laurence Oblivier. Aldrich Killian: I know he's a little over the top sometimes. It's not entirely my fault. He has a tenden... He's a stage actor. They say his Lear was the toast of Croydon, wherever that is. Anyway, the point is, ever since that big dude with the hammer fell out of the sky, subtlety has kind of had its day. Tony Stark: What's next for you in your world? Aldrich Killian: Well, I wanted to repay you the selfsame gift that you so graciously imparted to me. Desperation. Now, this is live. I'm not sure if you can tell, but at this moment the body is trying to decide whether to accept Extremis or just give up. And if it gives up, I have to say, the detonation is quite spectacular. But until that point, it's really just a lot of pain. We haven't even talked salary yet. What kind of perk package are you thinking of? Maya Hansen: Let him go. Aldrich Killian: Hold on, hold on. Maya... Maya Hansen: I said, let him go. Aldrich Killian: What are you doing? Maya Hansen: 1200 CCs. A dose half of this size, I'm dead. Aldrich Killian: It's times like this my temper is tested somewhat. Maya, give me the injector. Maya Hansen: If I die, Killian, what happens to your soldiers? What happens to your product? Aldrich Killian: We're not doing this, okay? Maya Hansen: What happens to you? What happens if you go too hot? Aldrich Killian: The good news is, a high-level position has just been vacated. Tony Stark: You are a maniac. Aldrich Killian: No, I'm a visionary. But I do own a maniac. And he takes the stage tonight. Once we get the Patriot installed, it will take me nine or 10 minutes for the takedown. Eric Savin: Well, that's great, but the last time I looked there was somebody inside of it. Aldrich Killian: Afternoon, gentlemen. Hello, Colonel. Step aside. Oh! We'll get you out of there. Don't worry. Eric Savin: You'll damage the armour. Aldrich Killian: Yes, I will. But you can fix it, right? I'm gonna take the Chinook to base camp. And I want Potts with me. Eric Savin: She's still in Phase Two. Aldrich Killian: You're not going deaf, are you? Tony Stark: Careful, there. It's a limited edition. Hey, uh, Ponytail Express. What's the mileage count between Tennessee and Miami? Guard #1: 832 miles. Tony Stark: Very nice. Guard #1: I'm good like that. Can you, uh, stop that? Tony Stark: Break it, you bought it. Guard #2: I think I bought it. Tony Stark: Okay, that wasn't mine to give away. That belongs to my friend's sister. And that's why I'm gonna kill you first. Guard #2: What are you gonna do to me? Tony Stark: You'll see. Guard #2: You're zip-tied to a bed. This. That. Aldrich Killian: Are you coming out? James Rhodes: Do not open. Do not open. Don't open. Don't open. All right. Let's go. You... You breathe fire? Okay. Aldrich Killian: It's a glorious day, Savin. This time tomorrow, I'll have the West's most powerful leader in one hand, and the world's most feared terrorist in the other. I'll own the war on terror. Create supply and demand. For you, for your brothers and sisters. Tony Stark: Trust me, you're gonna be in a puddle of blood on the ground in five, four, three... Come on! Two... Guard #2: How did we get this shift? Tony Stark: All right, I'm gonna give you a chance to escape. Put down your weapons. Tie yourselves to those chairs. I'll let you live. In five, four, bang! Guard #2: Wow. That was... Tony Stark: You should be gone by now. You should've already been gone. Guard #2: I am just beyond terrified. Tony Stark: Here it comes. Three, four... Guard #2: Shut up. Tony Stark: Five, four, three, two, one! Told you. Where's the rest? Where's the rest? Man: Honestly, I hate working here. They are so weird. Tony Stark: Ah! Better late than never. Not this time. Not the face. Phew! It's good to be back. Hello, by the way. Jarvis: Oh, hello, sir. Guard: All personnel, Stark is loose and somewhere in the compound. Repeat, Stark is loose and somewhere in the compound. Tony Stark: Ah! Let's go! Aw, crap. James Rhodes: Tony? Tony Stark: Rhodey, tell me that was you in the suit. James Rhodes: No. You got yours'? Tony Stark: Uh... Mmm. Kind of. Main house, as fast as you can. There's somebody I'd like you to meet. James Rhodes: You, you, you! Move! Get out! Tony Stark: The room is secure. I have eyes on the Mandarin. James Rhodes: What's this? I had winners. Tony Stark: What have you come as? James Rhodes: You make a move, and I break your face. Tony Stark: I never thought people had been hurt. They lied to me. James Rhodes: This is the Mandarin? Tony Stark: Yeah, I know, it's... It's embarrassing. Trevor Slattery: Hi, Trevor. Trevor Slattery. I know I'm shorter in person. A bit smaller. Everyone says that. But, um, hey, if you're here to arrest me, there's some people I'd like to roll on. Tony Stark: Here's how it works, Meryl Streep. James Rhodes: You tell him where Pepper is and he'll stop doing it. Trevor Slattery: Doing what? Ow, I get it! Ow! That hurt. I get it! I get it! I don't know about any Pepper, but I know about the plan. Tony Stark: Spill. James Rhodes: Do you know what they did to my suit? Tony Stark: What? No. But I do know it's happening off the coast. Something to do with a big boat. I can take you there. Trevor Slattery: Woah! Ole', ole', ole', ole'... James Rhodes: Tony, I swear to God, I'm gonna blow his face off. Tony Stark: Oh, and this next bit may include the vice president as well. Is that... Is that important? James Rhodes: Yeah, a little bit. Tony Stark: So? James Rhodes: What are we gonna do? I mean, we don't have any transport. Tony Stark: Right. Hey, Ringo. Didn't you say something about a "lovely speedboat"? If he's right about the location, we're 20 minutes from where Pepper is. James Rhodes: But we also have to figure out this vice president thing, right? Tony Stark: Right. I wonder who I'm calling right now. Oh! That's the vice president. Vice President: Thanks. Hello? Tony Stark: Sir, this is Tony Stark. Vice President: Welcome back to the land of the living. Tony Stark: We believe you're about to be drawn into the Mandarin campaign. We gotta get you somewhere safe as soon as possible. Vice President: Mr Stark, I'm about to eat honey-roast ham, surrounded by the Agency's finest. The president's safe on Air Force One with Colonel Rhodes. I think we're good, here. James Rhodes: Sir, this is Colonel Rhodes. They're using the Iron Patriot as a Trojan horse. They're gonna take out the president somehow. We have to immediately alert that plane. Vice President: Okay, I'm on it. I'll have security lock it down. If need be, they can have F-22s in the air in 30 seconds. Thank you, Colonel. James Rhodes: Rhodes and Stark out. Man: Everything okay, sir? Vice President: Couldn't be better. I love you, babe. President Ellis: Colonel Rhodes. Glad to see you could make it, son. I feel safer already. James Rhodes: We gotta make a decision. We can either save the president, or Pepper. We can't do both. Jarvis: Sir, I have an update from Malibu. The cranes have finally arrived, and the cellar doors are being cleared as we speak. Tony Stark: And what about the suit I'm wearing? Jarvis: The armour is now at 92%. Tony Stark: That's going to have to do. Military Aide: Everything all right, Colonel? Eric Savin: It is an honour, Mr President. President Ellis: If you're gonna do it, do it! Eric Savin: Whoa! Cool your boots, sir. That's not how the Mandarin works. Officer: Sir, Air Force One has been compromised. Internal shots, temperature spikes. Officer #2: Get me eyes on it now. Officer: Image coming through now, sir. Officer #2: Was that Rhodes? Man: Is anyone there? Woman: Let us out! Tony Stark: The President. Now. Eric Savin: He's not here. Try the jet stream? Speaking of which, go fish. Tony Stark: Walk away from that, you son of a bitch. How many in the air? Jarvis: Thirteen, sir. Tony Stark: How many can I carry? Jarvis: Four, sir. Tony Stark: Slow down. Slow down, relax. What's your name? Heather? Heather: Oh, God! No! No! Tony Stark: Listen to me. See that guy? I'm gonna swing by, you're just gonna grab him. You got it? Heather: What? Oh! Tony Stark: I'll electrify your arm, you won't be able to open your hand. We can do this, Heather. Easy, see? Eleven more to go. Remember that game called Barrel of Monkeys? That's what we're going to do. Jarvis: 18,000 feet. Tony Stark: Come on, people. Everybody, grab your monkey. Nice. Jarvis: 10,000 feet. 6,000 feet. Tony Stark: Come on, people. Come on, come on, come on! Yeah! Jarvis: 1, 000 feet. 400 feet. 200 feet, sir. Tony Stark: He's a chunky monkey, let's get him. Hello. Man: We made it! Tony Stark: Nice work, guys! Excellent. Good team effort all around. Go us. All right, Jarvis. But it's only half-done. We've still got to get Pepper... That came out of nowhere. Wow James Rhodes: Give me some good news, man. Tony Stark: I think they all made it. James Rhodes: Oh, thank God. Tony Stark: Yeah, but I missed the president. James Rhodes: You couldn't save the president with the suit, how are we gonna save Pepper with nothing? Tony Stark: Uh... Say, Jarvis, is it that time? Jarvis: The House Party Protocol, sir? Tony Stark: Correct. Aldrich Killian: Hi. Pepper Potts: You think he's gonna help you? He won't. Aldrich Killian: Having you here is not just to motivate Tony Stark. It's, um... Well, it's actually more embarrassing than that. You're here as my, um... Pepper Potts: Trophy Aldrich Killian: Mmm. Good evening, sir. Welcome aboard, Mr President. Ever hear of an elephant graveyard? Well, two years ago, the elephant in the room was this scow. President Ellis: This is the Roxxon Norco. Aldrich Killian: And, of course, you'll remember that when she spilled a million gallons of crude off Pensacola, thanks to you, not one fat cat saw a day in court. President Ellis: What do you want from me? Aldrich Killian: Uh, nothing, sir. I just needed a reason to kill you that would play well on TV. You see, I've moved on. I found myself a new political patron, and this time tomorrow, he'll have your job. String him up. President Ellis: Hey! James Rhodes: Come on. You're not gonna freak out on me, right? Tony Stark: I hope not. James Rhodes: Oh, my God. He's strung up over the oil tanker. They're gonna light him up, man. Tony Stark: Viking funeral. Public execution. James Rhodes: Yeah, death by oil. Announcer: Broadcast will commence shortly. Take final positions. Aldrich Killian: Okay. That's good. Now give me cameras A through E and we'll do a full tech rehearsal. James Rhodes: ls your gun up? Tony Stark: Yep. What do I do? James Rhodes: Stay on my six, cover high and don't shoot me in the back. Tony Stark: Six, high, back. Alright. You see that? Nailed it. James Rhodes: Yeah, you really killed the glass. Tony Stark: You think I was aiming for the bulb? You can't hit a bulb at this distance. Announcer: All personnel, we have hostiles on east unit 12. Man: Over there! Announcer: I repeat, hostiles on east unit 12. Tony Stark: I'm out. Give me. You got extra magazines? James Rhodes: They're not universal, Tony. Tony Stark: I know what I'm doing, I make this stuff. Give me another one. James Rhodes: Okay Tony Stark: Give me one of yours. James Rhodes: I don't have one that fits that gun. Tony Stark: You've got, like, five of them. Here's what I'm going to do. Save my spot, ready? James Rhodes: What'd you see? Tony Stark: Too fast. Nothing. Here we go. Three guys, one girl, all armed. James Rhodes: God, I would kill for some armour right now. Tony Stark: You're right. We need backup. James Rhodes: Yeah, a bunch. Tony Stark: You know what? James Rhodes: Is that...? Tony Stark: Yep. James Rhodes: Are those...? Tony Stark: Yeah. Merry Christmas, buddy. JARVIS, target Extremis heat signatures. Disable with extreme prejudice. Jarvis: Yes, sir. Tony Stark: What are you waiting for? It's Christmas. Take them to church. Jarvis: Gentlemen. Tony Stark: Incoming! Jarvis, get Igor to steady this thing. James Rhodes: This is how you've been managing your down time, huh? Tony Stark: Everybody needs a hobby. Heartbreaker, help Red Snapper out, will you? Nice timing. James Rhodes: Oh, yeah. That's awesome. Give me a suit, okay? Tony Stark: Oh, I'm sorry, they're only coded to me. James Rhodes: What does that mean? Tony Stark: I got you covered. Jarvis: Good evening, Colonel. Can I give you a lift? James Rhodes: Very funny. Jarvis: Sir, I've located Ms Potts. Tony Stark: About time. Pepper Potts: Stop! Put it down. Put it down. Put it down. Tony Stark: See what happens when you hang out with my ex-girlfriends? Pepper Potts: You're such a jerk. Tony Stark: Yep. We'll talk about it over dinner. Come on. A little more, baby. Aldrich Killian: Is this guy bothering you? Don't get up. Ooh. Is it hot in there? Stuck? Do you feel a little stuck? Like a little turtle, cooking in his little turtle suit. Pepper Potts: Tony. Aldrich Killian: She's watching. I think you should close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close your eyes. You don't want to see this. Tony Stark: Yeah, you take a minute. Jarvis, give me a suit right now! Oh, come on! James Rhodes: Mr President! Just hold on, all right? I'm coming. Just hold on. Hold on. Oh, kay. Bye-bye. Brace yourself. You look damn good, Mr President, but I'm gonna need that suit back. The President is secure, Tony. I'm clearing the area. Tony Stark: Nice work. James Rhodes: Ready, sir? President Ellis: What do you mean "ready"? Tony Stark: Pep, I got you. Relax, I got you. Just look at me! Honey, I can't reach any further and you can't stay there. All right? You've got to let go. You've got to let go! I'll catch you, I promise. No! Aldrich Killian: A shame. I would've caught her. Tony Stark: Eject. Aldrich Killian: Well, here we are on the roof. Jarvis: Mark 42, inbound. Tony Stark: I'll be damned. The prodigal son returns. Whatever. Aldrich Killian: You really didn't deserve her, Tony. It's a pity. I was so close to having her perfect. Tony Stark: Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait! Slow down! Slow down! You're right. I don't deserve her. Here's where you're wrong. She was already perfect. Jarvis, do me a favour and blow Mark 42. Aldrich Killian: No! No more false faces. You said you wanted the Mandarin. You're looking right at him. It was always me, Tony. Right from the start. I am the Mandarin! Tony Stark: I got nothing. Jarvis, subject at my 12 o'clock is not a target, disengage! What? Oh, what, are you mad at me? Honey? Pepper Potts: Oh, my God. That was really violent. Tony Stark: You just scared the devil out of me. I thought you were... Pepper Potts: I was dead. Why? Because I fell 200 feet? Who's the hot mess now? Tony Stark: It's still debatable. Probably tipping your way a little bit. Why don't you dress like this at home? Hmm? Sport bra. The whole deal. Pepper Potts: You know, I think I understand why you don't want to give up the suits. What am I going to complain about now? Tony Stark: Well, it's me. You'll think of something. Come here. Pepper Potts: No, don't touch me. Tony Stark: Don't worry about it. Pepper Potts: No, I'm gonna burn you. Tony Stark: No, you're not. Not hot. Pepper Potts: Am I gonna be okay? Tony Stark: No. You're in a relationship with me. Everything will never be okay. But I think I can figure this out, yeah. I almost had this 20 years ago when I was drunk. I think I can get you better. That's what I do. I fix stuff. Pepper Potts: And all your distractions? Tony Stark: Uh... I'm going to shave them down a little bit. Jarvis. Hey. Jarvis: All wrapped up here, sir. Will there be anything else? Tony Stark: You know what to do. Jarvis: The Clean Slate Protocol, sir? Tony Stark: Screw it, it's Christmas. Yes, yes. Okay, so far? Do you like it? Pepper Potts: It'll do. Tony Stark: And so, as Christmas morning began, my journey had reached its end. You start with something pure, something exciting. Then, come the mistakes. The compromises. We create our own demons. Trevor Slattery: Oh! Great to see you! Oh, bloody hell! Tony Stark: But then I thought to myself, "Why stop there?" Of course, there are people who say progress is dangerous, but I'll bet none of those idiots ever had to live with a chestful of shrapnel. And now, neither will I. Let me tell you, that was the best sleep I'd had in years. Nurse: It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Happy Hogan: No, look. Tony Stark: So, if I were to wrap this up, tie it with a bow, or whatever... I guess I'd say my armor, it was never a distraction, or a hobby. It was a cocoon. And now, I'm a changed man. You can take away my house, all my tricks and toys. One thing you can't take away... I am Iron Man. You know, and thank you by the way. For listening. Plus, something about just getting it off my chest, and putting it out there in the atmosphere, instead of holding this in... I mean, this is what gets people sick, you know. Wow, I had no idea you were such a good listener. To be able to share all my intimate thoughts and my experiences with someone, it just cuts the weight of it in half. You know, it's like a snake swallowing its own tail. Everything comes full circle. And the fact that you've been able to -help me process... Are you with me? Bruce Banner: Sorry... I was, yeah. We were at, uh... Tony Stark: Are you actively napping? Bruce Banner: I was... I... I drifted. Tony Stark: Where did I lose you? Bruce Banner: Elevator in Switzerland. Tony Stark: So, you heard none of it? Bruce Banner: I'm sorry. I'm not that kind of doctor. I'm not a therapist. It's not my training. Tony Stark: So? Bruce Banner: I don't have the... Tony Stark: What? The time? Bruce Banner: Temperament. Tony Stark: You know what? Now that I think about it... Oh! God, my original wound. 1983, all right? Bruce Banner: Yes. Tony Stark: I'm 14 years old, I still have a nanny. That was weird.

Odin: Long before the birth of light there was darkness, and from that darkness, came the Dark Elves. Millennia ago, the most ruthless of their kind, Malekith, sought to transform our universe back into one of eternal night. Such evil was possible through the power of the Aether, an ancient force of infinite destruction. The noble armies of Asgard, led by my father, King Bor, waged a mighty war against these creatures. Kurse: Malekith! Asgard's forces are upon us. Malekith: Send the Kursed. Odin: As the Nine Worlds converged above him, Malekith could at last unleash the Aether... But Asgard ripped the weapon from his grasp. Without it, the Dark Elves fell. With the battle all but lost, Malekith sacrificed his own people in a desperate attempt to lay waste to Asgard's army. Malekith: Their deaths will mean our survival. This war is far from over. Odin: Malekith was vanquished, and the Aether was no more. Or so we were led to believe. Asgardian Einherjar: Sire, the Aether. Shall we destroy it? Bor: If only we could. But its power is too great. Bury it deep. Somewhere no one will ever find it. Frigga: Loki. Loki: Hello, mother. Have I made you proud? Frigga: Please, don't make this worse. Loki: Define worse. Odin: Enough! I will speak to the prisoner alone. Loki: I really don't see what all the fuss is about. Odin: Do you not truly feel the gravity of your crimes? Wherever you go there is war, ruin and death. Loki: I went down to Midgard to rule the people of Earth as a benevolent god. Just like you. Odin: We are not gods. We are born, we live, we die. Just as humans do. Loki: Give or take 5000 years. Odin: All this because Loki desires a throne. Loki: It is my birthright. Odin: Your birthright was to die as a child. Cast out onto a frozen rock. If I had not taken you in you would not be here now to hate me. Loki: If I am for the axe, then for mercy's sake, just swing it. It's not that I don't love our little talks, it's just ... I don't love them. Odin: Frigga is the only reason you are still alive and you will never see her again. You will spend the rest of your days in the dungeons. Loki: And what of Thor? You'll make that witless oaf king while I rot in chains? Odin: Thor must strife to undo the damage you have done. He will bring order to the nine realms and then, yes. He will be king. Sif: I've got this completely under control! Thor: Is that why everything is on fire? Sif: You're welcome. All yours. Thor: Hello. I accept your surrender. Anyone else? Fandral: Perhaps next time we should start with the big one. Guard: Keep moving. Come on! Keep moving. Go ahead of me. Don't you turn around! Hogun: Where do we go next? Thor: Hogun, the peace is nearly won across the Nine Realms. You should stay here. Be with your people, where your heart is. Asgard can wait. Hogun: You have my thanks. Thor: As you have mine. Heimdall, when you're ready. Odin: Is Vanaheim secure? Thor: As are Nornheim and Ria. Though our work would have gone more quickly with you at the fore. Odin: You must think I'm a piece of bread that needs to be buttered so heavily. Thor: That was not my intent. Odin: For the first time since the Bifrost was destroyed, the Nine Realms are at peace. They're well reminded of our strength and you have earned their respect and my gratitude. Thor: Thank you. Odin: Nothing out of order except your confused and distracted heart. Thor: This isn't about Jane Foster, Father. Odin: Human lives are fleeting, they are nothing. You'd be better served by what lies in front of you I'm telling you this not as the all-father but as your father. You are ready. The time has come for you to take the throne. Embrace and celebrate what you've won. Join your warriors. Eat and drink, revel in their celebration. At least pretend to enjoy yourself. Sif: There was a time you would celebrate for weeks. Thor: I remember you celebrated the battle of Haragon so much that you nearly started a second. Sif: Well, the first was so much fun. Take a drink with me. Surely the All-Father could have no further task for you tonight. Thor: No, this is one I set myself. Sif: It has not gone unnoticed that you disappear each night. There are Nine Realms. Future king of Asgard must focus on more than one. Thor: I thank you for your sword and for your counsel, good Lady Sif. Richard: Hi. Jane Foster: Hi. Richard: So what's the story with you? Jane Foster: Why does there have to be a story, there's no story. Richard: You've spent the first ten minutes of our date hiding behind a menu that has three choices on it. It's either chicken, vegetarian or fish, Jane. I think there's a story and I'm thinking the story involves a guy? Jane Foster: It's complicated. Richard: Is he still around? Jane Foster: No, he...went away. Richard: I've been there. The going away, it's hard. I'd been seeing a woman and uh...she took a job in New York, eventually the distance killed it. And...and the fact that she uh...she kept sleeping with other dudes. Jane Foster: No! Richard: Oh, so many. Hi. Um...could we get some wine please? Darcy Lewis: Sure, I'd love some. Jane Foster: Richard, this is Darcy. What are you doing here? Richard: Oh, hello. Darcy Lewis: So, I show up to work at the lab-slash-your mom's house, fully expecting you to be moping around in your pajamas eating ice cream obsessing about you know who... Richard: Ah. Darcy Lewis: But you're not! You're wearing lady clothes, you even showered, didn't you? You smell good. Jane Foster: Is there a point to all this, cause there really has to be a point to all this. Darcy Lewis: Right. You know that scientific equipment you don't look at anymore? You might wanna start looking at it now This is the reason we came all the way out here. Jane Foster: It's malfunctioning. Darcy Lewis: That's what I said. That's what I did! But you just hit a little more scientific. Jane Foster: I'm sure it's nothing. Richard: Yeah. Darcy Lewis: It didn't look like nothing. Kind of looks like the readings that Erik was rambling about. Our friend Erik, kind of went banana-balls. Jane Foster: He's not interested. I'm not interested. Time for you to go now. Darcy Lewis: Okay. Richard: Short but sweet. Jane Foster: She needs help. Richard: I think I'm gonna have the sea bass. Jane Foster: Sea bass. Yeah, sea bass is good. Sea bass, sea bass, sea bass, sea bass, sea bass, sea bass, sea bass...sea bass. Sea bass... Richard: Jane, maybe you should stop saying sea bass and go out to your friend. Jane Foster: This was so fun. Richard: You know, I'll just stay here and say sea bass alone. Jane Foster: And I hate you. Darcy Lewis: What?! I thought he was cute. Jane Foster: Just shut up and drive. Who's he? Darcy Lewis: He's my intern. Jane Foster: You have an intern? Darcy Lewis: Oh, yeah. Ian Boothby: Hello, Dr. Foster. It's uh...it's a great honor to be working with you. Jane Foster: Right. I have to call Erik. Ian Boothby: Oh, uh...take a right. Left! Darcy Lewis: I have totally mastered driving in London. Jane Foster: Hi, Erik, it's me again. Where are you? I came here because you said you were onto something and then vanished. Stonehenge Tv News Reporter: I'm here at Stonehenge, for what has been an interesting unfolding of events today. The police reported the scene shortly after 11 a.m. this morning, after a seemingly harmless rambler approached the area then started to strip naked and effectively terrorize tourists there with scientific equipment while shouting that he was trying to save them. The man later identified as noted Astrophysicist Dr. Erik Selvig has been called in for questioning by police. Darcy Lewis: Come on, this is exciting! Look, the intern is excited. Ian Boothby: Ian. Darcy Lewis: Do you want the phase meter? Jane Foster: No. Darcy Lewis: Bring the phase meter. The toaster looking thing. Ian Boothby: I know what the phase meter is. Jane Foster: How do I change the ring tone on this thing? Darcy Lewis: An Astrophysicist with three degrees should be able to change her own ring tone. Jane Foster: Why are you calling me? Darcy Lewis: I didn't want to shout. Intern, the entrance is this way. Ian Boothby: Ian. My name's Ian. Darcy Lewis: I am not getting stabbed in the name of science. It's okay, we're Americans! Jane Foster: Is that supposed to make them like us? Maddie: Make it go away... Navid: Ssh! Jane Foster: Oh, they're kids. Maddie: Are you the police? Jane Foster: No, we're scientists. Well, I am. Darcy Lewis: Thanks. Navid: We just found it. Jane Foster: Can you show us? Darcy Lewis: That doesn't seem rigged. Where did it go? That's...that's incredible. What happened? Maddie: Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. Darcy Lewis: I want to throw something. Jane, give me your shoe. Jane Foster: I haven't seen readings like this since... Darcy Lewis: New Mexico? Jane Foster: Don't touch anything! Darcy Lewis: Give me your shoe. Where those the car keys? Jane Foster: Darcy! Malekith: The Aether awakens us. The Convergence returns. Heimdall: You're late. Thor: Merriment can sometimes be a heavier burden than battle. Heimdall: Then you're doing one of them incorrectly. Thor: Perhaps. How fare the stars? Heimdall: Still shining. From here I can see Nine Realms and ten trillion souls. You recall what I told you of the Convergence? Thor: Yes, the alignment of the worlds. It approaches, doesn't it? Heimdall: The universe hasn't seen this marvel since before my watch began. Few can sense, even fewer can see it. A world that's infected can be dangerous. It is truly beautiful. Thor: I see nothing. Heimdall: Or perhaps that is not the beauty you seek. Thor: How is she? Heimdall: She's quite clever, your mortal. She doesn't know it yet, but she studies the Convergence as well. Even... Thor: What? Heimdall: I can't see her. Darcy Lewis: Jane! Where the hell were you? Jane Foster: Tell me you didn't call the police! Darcy Lewis: What was I supposed to do? Jane Foster: Not call the police! Darcy Lewis: I was freaking out. Jane Foster: You call the cops they tell the feds, the next thing you know we have SHIELD crawling all over area fifty-one-ing the place. Darcy Lewis: Jane! Jane Foster: We had a stable gratification anomaly, we had unheeded access. Our only competition was ten years old! Darcy Lewis: Jane, you were gone for five hours! Jane Foster: What? Darcy Lewis: That's weird. Typical. Thor: Jane. Jane Foster: Sorry. I just needed to make sure you were real, it's been a very strange day. Thor: Well, I am. Jane... Jane Foster: Where were you?! Thor: Where were you? Heimdall could not see you. Jane Foster: I was right here where you left me. I was waiting and then I was crying and then I went out looking for you. You said you were coming back Thor: I know, I know, but the Bifrost was destroyed. The Nine Realms erupted into chaos, wars were raging, marauding hordes were pillaging. I had to put an end to the slaughter. Jane Foster: As excuses go, that's not terrible. But I saw you on TV, you were...you were in New York! Thor: Jane, I fought to protect you from the dangers of my world, but I was wrong, I was a fool. I believe that fate brought us together. Jane, I don't know where you were or what happened, but I do know this. Jane Foster: What? Thor: I know... Jane Foster: You do? Thor: Do what? Jane Foster: Hey! Is that you? Uh...we're kind of in the middle of something. Darcy Lewis: Um...I'm pretty sure we are getting arrested. Jane Foster: Hold that thought. Darcy Lewis: Look at you, still all muscly and everything. How's space? Thor: Space is fine. Jane Foster: Excuse me? Police Officer #1: Are you Jane Foster? Jane Foster: Yes. Police Officer #1: Do you know this man? Jane Foster: He's my intern. My intern's intern. Police Officer #1: This is private property and you're trespassing, the lot of you. You'll have to come with me. Thor: Jane! Jane? You alright? Jane Foster: What just happened? Police Officer #2: Place your hands on your head, step back! Thor: The woman is unwell. Police Officer #2: She's dangerous. Thor: So am I. Police Officer #2: Requesting armed response officers to the scene. Thor: Hold on to me. Jane Foster: What are you doing? Darcy Lewis: Holy shit! Jane Foster: We have to do that again. Hi. Heimdall: Welcome to Asgard. Malekith: Look at my legacy, Algrim. I barely remember the time before light. Algrim: Our survival will be your legacy. Malekith: The Asgardians will suffer as we have suffered. I will reclaim the Aether. I will restore our world and I'll put an end to this poisonous world. Jane Foster: What's that? Eir: Be still. Thor: This is not of Earth, what is it? Asgardian Nurse: We do not know, but she will not survive the amount of energy surging within her. Jane Foster: That's a quantum field generator, isn't it? Eir: It's a Soul Forge. Jane Foster: Does a Soul Forge transfer molecular energy from one place to another? Eir: Yes. Jane Foster: It's a quantum field generator. Odin: My words are mere noises to you that you ignore them completely? Thor: She's ill. Odin: She is mortal. Illness is their defining trait. Thor: I brought here because we can help her. Odin: She does not belong here in Asgard anymore than a goat belongs at a banquet table. Jane Foster: Did he just...? Who do you think you are? Odin: I'm Odin. King of Asgard. Protector of the Nine Realms. Jane Foster: Oh. Well, I'm... Odin: I know very well who you are, Jane Foster. Jane Foster: You told your Dad about me? Thor: Something is within her, father, something I have not seen before. Odin: Her world has its healers, their called doctors, let them deal with it. Guards, take her back to Midgard. Thor: Don't touch her. Jane, are you alright? Odin: That's impossible. Eir: The infection, it's defending her. Thor: No, it's defending itself. Odin: Come with me. There are relics that predate the universe itself. What lies within her appears to be one of them. The Nine Realms are not eternal. They had a dawn as they will have a dusk. But before that dawn the dark forces, the Dark Elves, reigned absolute and unchallenged. Thor: "Born of eternal night, the Dark Elves comes to steal away your light." They were these stories mother told us as children. Odin: Their leader, Malekith made a weapon out of that darkness, it was called the Aether. While the other relics often appeared as stones, the Aether is fluid and ever changing. It changes matter into dark matter and seeks out to host bodies, drawing strength from their life force. Malekith sought to use the Aether's power to return the universe to one of darkness. But after eternities of blood shed, my father Bor, finally triumphed, ushering in the peace that lasted thousands of years. Jane Foster: What happened? Odin: He killed them all. Thor: Are you certain? The Aether was said to have been destroyed with them and yet here it is. Odin: The Dark Elves are dead. Jane Foster: Does your book happen to mention how to get it out of me? Odin: No, it does not. Malekith: The Realms will be aligned soon. You'll be the last of the Kursed. Algrim: Let my life be sacrificed. The same as our people. Malekith: You will become darkness, doomed to this existence until it consumes you. And then no power of our enemies will stop me. Algrim: I'll destroy their defenses and resurrect the universe. Loki: Odin continues to bring me new friends. How thoughtful. Frigga: The books I sent, do they not interest you? Loki: Is that how I'm to while away eternity, reading? Frigga: I've done everything in my power to make you comfortable, Loki. Loki: Have you? Does Odin share your concern? Does Thor? It must be so inconvenient them asking after me day and night. Frigga: You know full well it was your actions that brought you here. Loki: My actions. I was merely giving truth to the lie that I had been fed my entire life, that I was born to be a king. Frigga: A king? A true king admits his faults. What of the lives you took on Earth? Loki: A mere handful compared to the number that Odin has taken himself. Frigga: Your father... Loki: He's not my father! Frigga: Then am I not your mother? Loki: You're not. Frigga: Always so perceptive about everyone but yourself. Jane Foster: When you came for me, you knew I was in trouble. Thor: Well Heimdall had lost sight of you, you were no longer on Earth. Jane Foster: Well, how's that possible? Thor: I believe you were in between worlds. The Nine Realms travel within Yggdrasil, orbiting Midgard in much the way your planet orbits the sun. Every five thousand years the worlds align perfectly, we call this the Convergence. During this time the boarders between worlds become blurred. It's possible you found one of these points. We are lucky that it remained open. Once the worlds pass out of alignment, the connection is lost. Jane Foster: I liked the way you explained that. What's gonna happen to me? Thor: I'll find a way to save you, Jane. Jane Foster: Your father said there was... Thor: My father doesn't know everything. Frigga: Don't let him hear you say that. Thor: Jane Foster, please meet Frigga, the Queen of Asgard, my mother. Jane Foster: Hi. Loki: You might want to take the stairs to the left. Frigga: The prisons. Thor: Loki. Frigga: Go, I will look after her. Fandral: It's as if they resent being imprisoned. Volstagg: There's no pleasing some creatures. Thor: Return to your cells and further harm will come to you. You have my word. Very well, you don't have my word. Odin: Send a squadron to the weapons vault, defend it at all costs. Seal the dungeon. Frigga: Odin. Odin: Frigga. Go! It's a skirmish, nothing to fear. Frigga: You've never been a very good liar. Odin: Take her to you chambers, I'll come for you when it's safe. Frigga: You take care. Odin: Despite all I have survived, my queen still worries over me. Frigga: It's only because I worry over you that you have survived. Listen to me now, I need you to do everything I ask and no questions. Jane Foster: Yes, ma'am. Odin: Frigga. Frigga: Stand down, creature. You may still survive this. Malekith: I have survived worse, woman. Frigga: Who are you? Malekith: I am Malekith, and I would have what it is mine. You have taken something, child. Give it back. Witch! Where is the Aether? Frigga: I'll never tell. Malekith: I believe you. Erik Selvig: The universe rotates on a five thousand year cycle, and once its cycled all the worlds align. Imagine...imagine that this is our world, and...and... Oh, thank you. And this is another world. Normally they're separate, but during the alignment everything is connected. All Nine Realms, all Nine Realms are passing through each other and gravity, light, and even matter, is crunching from one world to the other. But if this happens to us now, the result would be cataclysmic. My gravimetric spikes can stabilize the focal point of the Convergence. This time the alignment, and all the other worlds, would just pass up by. It's beautiful. It's simple. Any questions? Patient: Yeah. Can I have my shoe back? Algrim: I need your strength to reclaim the Aether. And when you wake up, you will kill them all. Einherjar Lieutenant: Jane Foster. You need to come with us. Fandral: We are still unable to restore the palace shields. Our artillery cannot detect them, even Heimdall cannot see them. My King, we are all but defenseless. Thor: She's your prisoner now? Leave us. Odin: I do not wish to fight with you. Thor: Nor I with you, but I intend to pursue Malekith. Odin: We possess the Aether, Malekith will come to us. Thor: Yes, and you will destroy us. Odin: You overestimate the power of these creatures. Thor: No, I value our peoples lives. I'll take Jane to the Dark World and draw the enemy away from Asgard. When Malekith pulls the Aether from Jane it will be exposed vulnerable, and I will destroy it and him. Odin: If you fail, you risk this weapon falling into the hands of our enemies. Thor: The risk is far greater if we do nothing. His ship could be over our heads right now and we'd never even know it. Odin: If and when he comes, his men will fall by ten thousand Asgardian blades. Thor: And how of our men shall fall on theirs? Odin: As many as are needed! We will fight! Until the last Asgardian breath, the last drop of Asgardian blood. Thor: And how are you different from Malekith? Odin: The difference, my son, is that I will win. Darcy Lewis: Jane isn't called me back. Erik isn't calling me back. Stupid SHIELD isn't calling me back! Ian Boothby: What's SHIELD? Darcy Lewis: It's a secret. Uh...hey, Erik. It's Darcy again. Uh...Thor came back, he took Jane to Asgard and um...I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. News Reporter: Something else went missing this week when Astrophysicist, Dr. Erik Selvig, notable for his involvement in the Alien invasion in New York streaked nude across Stonehenge. Ian Boothby: Darcy, you really need to look at this. Your friend Erik, what was his last name again? News Reporter: ...disrobed and began shouting at visitors at the historic site. He was later taken into police custody for psychiatric evaluation. The police are still refusing to confirm... Thor: You're not in Odin's war council? Heimdall: The Bifrost is closed by your father's orders. No one is to come or to go. We face an enemy that is invisible even to me. Of what use is a guardian such as that? Thor: Malekith will return, you know this. I'll need your help. Heimdall: I cannot overrule my King's wishes, not even for you. Thor: I'm not asking you to. The Realms need their All-Father strong and unchallenged, whether he is or not. But he is blinded, Heimdall, by hatred and by grief. Heimdall: As are we all. Thor: Well I see clearly enough. Heimdall: The risks are too great. Thor: Everything that we do from here on is a risk, there is no other way. Heimdall: What do you require of me? Thor: What I'm about to ask of you is treason of the highest order. Success will bring us exile and failure shall mean our death. Malekith knew the Aether was here, he can sense its power. If we do nothing he will come for it again, but this time lay waste to all of Asgard. We must move Jane off world. Sif: The Bifrost has been shut down and the Tesseract locked away in a vault. Heimdall: There are other paths off Asgard, ways known only to a few. Thor: One, actually. Volstagg: No. Loki: Thor, after all this time and now you come to visit me. Why? Have you come to gloat? To mock? Thor: Loki, enough. No more illusions. Loki: Now you see me, brother. Did she suffer? Thor: I did not come here to share our grief. Instead I offer you the chance of a far richer sacrament. Loki: Go on. Thor: I know you seek vengeance as much as I do. You help me escape Asgard and I will grant it to you, vengeance. And afterward, this cell. Loki: You must be truly desperate to come to me for help. What makes you think you can trust me? Thor: I don't. Mother did. You should know that when we fought each other in the past, I did so with a glimmer of hope that my brother was still in there somewhere. That hope no longer exists to protect you. You betray me and I will kill you. Loki: Hmm. When do we start? Fandral: He will betray you. Thor: He will try. Loki: This is so unlike you, brother. So clandestine. Are you sure you wouldn't rather just punch your way out? Thor: If you keep speaking I just might. Loki: Fine. As you wish. I'm not even here. Is this better? Still, we could be less conspicuous. Hm, brother. You look ravishing. Thor: It will hurt no less when I kill you in this form. Loki: Very well. Perhaps you prefer one of your new companions, given that you seem to like them so much. Oh, this is much better. Woh. The costume's a bit much, so tight. But the confidence, I can feel the righteousness surging. Hey, you wanna have a rousing discussion about truth, honor, patriotism? God bless Amer- What? You could at least furnish me with a weapon. My dagger, something! At last, a little common sense. Thor: And I thought you liked tricks. Fandral: Well, what then? Your lovely mortal is being guarded by a legion of our Einherjar who will see you coming from miles away. Thor: I won't be the one who comes for her. Jane Foster: I'm not hungry. Sif: Good, let's go. Jane Foster: You're... Loki: I'm Loki. You may have heard of... Jane Foster: That was for New York. Loki: I like her. Sif: And what of the All-Father? Heimdall: It is my sworn duty to notify him of crimes against the throne. Odin: You called me here on an urgent matter. What is it? Heimdall: Treason, my lord. Odin: Whose? Heimdall: Mine. Einherjar Lieutenant: My King, the mortal has been taken. Odin: Stop Thor, by any means necessary. Guards: There they are! Take them. On my command. Sif: I'll hold them off. Take her. Thor: Thank you. Sif: Betray him and I'll kill you. Loki: It's good to see you too, Sif. Volstagg: Assuming you can get Loki's help, and you can free this mortal, what good would it do? We'd all be dead the minute we step one foot outside the palace. Thor: That, my friend, is where we won't be leaving by foot. Volstagg: I will give you as much time as I can. Thor: Thank you, my friend. Volstagg: If you even think about betraying him... Loki: You'll kill me? Evidently there will be a line. I thought you said you knew how to fly this thing. Thor: I said, "how hard could it be?" Guard: They're on the ship! Loki: They're on the ship! Well, whatever you're doing, brother, I suggest you do it faster. Thor: Shut up, Loki. Loki: You must have missed something. Thor: No, I didn't, I'm pressing every button on this thing. Loki: No, don't hit it, just press it gently. Thor: I am pressing it gently. It's not working! Guards: Get him! Get him! Loki: I think you missed a column. Thor: Shut up! Loki: Look, why don't you let me take over, I'm clearly the better pilot. Thor: Is that right? Well, out of the two of us which one can actually fly? Loki: Oh, dear. Is she dead? Thor: Jane. Jane Foster: I'm okay. Thor: Not a word. Loki: Now they're following us. Now they're firing at us! Thor: Yeah, thank you for the commentary, Loki! It's not at all distracting! Loki: Well done, you just decapitated your grandfather. You know this is wonderful. This is a tremendous idea. Let's steal the biggest, most obvious ship in the universe and escape in that. Flying around the city, smashing into everything in sight so everyone can see us. It's brilliant, Thor! It's truly brilliant! Fandral: I see your time in the dungeons has made you no less graceful, Loki. Loki: You lied to me. I'm impressed. Thor: I'm glad you're pleased. Now, do as you promised. Take us to your secret pathway. Fandral. Fandral: Right. For Asgard. Nothing personal, boys! Thor: Loki! Loki: If it were easy everyone would do it. Thor: Are you mad? Loki: Possibly. Ta-da! Algrim: We must attack now. Malekith: No. Asgard is not important anymore. The Aether has returned home. Loki: What I could do with the power that flows through those veins. Thor: It would consume you. Loki: She's holding up alright, for now. Thor: She's strong in ways you'd never even know. Loki: Say goodbye. Thor: Not this day. Loki: This day, the next, a hundred years, it's nothing. It's a heart beat. You'll never be ready. The only woman whose love you've prized will be snatched from you. Thor: And will that satisfy you? Loki: Satisfaction is not in my nature. Thor: Surrender not in mine. Loki: The son of Odin. Thor: No, not just of Odin! You think you alone were loved of mother? You had her tricks, but I had her trust! Loki: Trust. Was that her last expression? Trust? When you let her die! Thor: What help were you in your cell? Loki: Who put me there? Who put me there?! Thor: You know damn well! You know damn well who! She wouldn't want us to fight. Loki: Well, she wouldn't exactly be shocked. Thor: I wish I could trust you. Loki: Trust my rage. Desk Officer: You'll have to sign for your father's belongings, Mr. Selvig. Ian Boothby: What? Oh, yeah. My father, Dr. Erik Selvig. Desk Officer: One; a man's leather wallet, brown. One key ring with three keys. Prescription medicine. Various. Darcy Lewis: Erik. Desk Officer: And... These. Ian Boothby: Yeah, those. Thank goodness. Darcy Lewis: Erik. Erik Selvig: Yes? Darcy Lewis: It's uh...Darcy. Erik Selvig: Darcy. It's so good to see you. Darcy Lewis: Uh...I missed you too. Erik Selvig: How did you find me? Ian Boothby: You were naked on TV. Darcy Lewis: Okay, time to go. Lots to do. Getting weird now. I should not be left in charge of stuff like this, I don't get paid enough. I don't get paid period. Ian Boothby: I'm uh...Ian by the way. Uh..Darcy's intern. I don't get paid either. Are you alright? Erik Selvig: I have had a God in my brain. I don't recommend it. Ian Boothby: Dr. Selvig, your gear is beeping at me. Erik Selvig: It's happening, sooner than I calculated. Darcy Lewis: Wait, what's happening? Birds? Birds are happening? Ian Boothby: They're starlings, it's called a murmuration. My dad used to take me bird watching as a kid. Darcy Lewis: Erik? Erik Selvig: Look. Darcy Lewis: Where did they go? What the hell was that?! Why are you smiling? Erik Selvig: There's nothing more reassuring than realizing that the world is crazier than you are. Take me to Jane's lab! Thor: Jane. Jane Foster: Malekith. Thor: Alright, are you ready? Loki: I am. You know this plan of yours is going to get us killed. Thor: Yeah, possibly. Loki: You still don't trust me, brother? Thor: Would you? Loki: No, I wouldn't. Jane Foster: Thor! No! Loki: You really think I cared about Frigga, about any of you? All I ever wanted was you and Odin dead at my feet! Malekith, I am Loki of Jotunheim and I bring you a gift! I ask only one thing in return, a good seat from which to watch Asgard burn. Algrim: He is an enemy of Asgard, he was locked in a cell. Malekith: Look at me. Thor: Loki, now! No! Loki: See you in hell, monster! Thor: No. No, no, no! Oh, you fool, you didn't listen! Loki: I know. I'm a fool. I'm a fool! Thor: Stay with me, okay? Loki: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Thor: Shh. Loki: I'm sorry. Thor: It's okay. It's alright. I'll tell father what you did here today. Loki: I didn't do it for him. Thor: No! Jane Foster: He's gonna unleash it, not just on Asgard or on a star, Malekith is gonna destroy everything. Thor: How? Jane, how? Jane Foster: I saw him on Earth. Why would he go to Earth? Thor: The Convergence. Jane Foster: Oh, God. None of this would have happened if I hadn't found the Aether. Thor: Then Malekith would have only possessed it that much sooner. Jane Foster: I only found it because I was looking for you. Thor: Jane. Jane Foster: Now we're trapped here. Thor: It's not me. Jane Foster: Hello? Richard: Hi, Jane, it's Richard. Jane Foster: Richard?! Where are you? Richard: I'm still in the office. It's...It's been a crazy day here today. Jane Foster: Oh, my God! This is amazing. Richard: Is it? I quite enjoyed our lunch despite never actually ordering anything. Jane Foster: How am I getting service here? Richard: Is this a bad time? Do you want me to try you there? Jane Foster: No, no, no, no! Please, whatever you do, do not hang up the phone. Richard: Okay then. I was just wondering if you want to try again? Uh...maybe dinner next time. Jane Foster: Uh...yeah, yeah, yeah. Um...just stay on the phone, okay? Richard: Yeah, I will. Jane Foster: Oh, my God. Richard: Am I interrupting something. Jane Foster: No, no, no, nothing at all. Come on. Richard: I'm losing you there, are you in a tunnel? Thor: Where are we going? Richard: Hello? Thor: Why are there so many shoes in here? Richard: I'll just text her. Darcy Lewis: Jane! Jane Foster: Hey. Darcy Lewis: You can't just leave like that, the whole world is going crazy! All the stuff we saw is spreading. Did you go to a party? Jane Foster: Erik?! Erik Selvig: Jane, how wonderful! You've been to Asgard. Jane Foster: Where are your pants? Ian Boothby: Oh, uh...he uh...he says it helps him think. Jane Foster: Okay. Well, I'm gonna need everything you got on this. All the work you've been doing on gravimetric anomalies, everything. Erik Selvig: Okay. Thor: Are you well, Erik? Erik Selvig: Your brother is not coming, is he? Thor: Loki is dead. Erik Selvig: Oh, thank God. I...I'm so sorry. Thor: Thank you. Einherjar Guard: Forgive me, my liege. I've returned from the Dark World with news. Odin: Thor? Einherjar Guard: There's no sign of Thor, or the weapon, but... Odin: What? Einherjar Guard: We found a body. Odin: Loki. Jane Foster: Malekith is going to fire the Aether at a spot where all the nine worlds are connected. Erik Selvig: Amplifying the weapon's impact. With each additional world, the power will increase exponentially. The effect would be universal. Thor: Yes, well the alignment is only temporary. He must be in exactly at the right place at the right time. Darcy Lewis: Well, how do we know where that is? Erik Selvig: We follow the directions. This has happened before, thousands of years ago, and The Ancients were there to see it. All the great constructions: the Mayas, the Chinese, the Egyptians, they made use of the gravitational effects of the Convergence. And they left us a map. Stonehenge. Snowdon, the Great Orme. These are all coordinates taking us...here. Ian Boothby: Greenwich? Jane Foster: The walls between worlds will be almost non-existent. Physics is gonna go ballistic. Increase and decrease in gravity, spatial extrusions. The very fabric of reality is gonna be torn apart. Erik Selvig: I better get my pants. Darcy Lewis: Focus, this is important. We have to hammer them in all around the site and then Jane and Erik will activate them from the tower. Ian Boothby: They're taped together! Darcy Lewis: Do you even know what these things do? Ian Boothby: No. Darcy Lewis: Neither do I. Come on, come on! Ian Boothby: Fine! Darcy Lewis: Holy shit! Malekith: You needn't have come so far, Asgardian! Death would have come to you soon enough. Thor: Not by your hand! Malekith: Your universe was never meant to be. Your world and your family will be extinguished. Erik Selvig: We're running out of time. Jane Foster: Almost there. Erik Selvig: Are you sure this is going to work? These devices were made to detect anomalies, not cause them. Jane Foster: Oh, come on. Come on, Darcy. Thor: You know with all that power, I thought you would hit harder. Ian Boothby: Done. Erik Selvig: The Convergence will be in full effect in seven minutes. Jane Foster: That just means we have to keep Malekith busy for eight. Okay, you might wanna hold on to something. Darcy Lewis: That is awesome! How did you do that? Jane Foster: Well, gravitational fields interact with the weak spot between worlds creating... Darcy Lewis: Oh, there's a guy with a sword! Jane Foster: Oops. Erik Selvig: Let's go. Darcy Lewis: What the hell just happened? Move! Jane Foster: What are you all doing? You need to get out of here! Now! Student: You're joking, right? That's Thor out there waving his hammer around and everything! Control: Confirming ship is hostile. Pilot: Confirm, the ship is hostile. You have permission to engage. Control: Roger. The missile's locked. The missile's on its way. Missile off target! I repeat... Pilot: Mayday! I'm losing control. Mayday! Mayday! I'm losing control! Erik Selvig: What are you doing? Jane Foster: My signal's lost connection. Erik Selvig: Jane! Come on! Ian Boothby: Are you alright? Darcy Lewis: You saved my life. Ian Boothby: Yeah. Yes, I did. Jane Foster: Darcy? Darcy Lewis: Jane! Erik Selvig: Ian? Ian Boothby: Selvig! Darcy Lewis: Meowmeow! Man: Mind the gap. Thor: How do I get to Greenwich? Woman On Train: Take this train, three stops. Man: Mind the gap. Woman On Train: Sorry. Sorry. Jane Foster: We're out of time. Erik Selvig: Jane. Jane! Jane Foster: Thor! We're too late. Erik Selvig: The Convergence is at its peak. Thor: Can those things stop him? Erik Selvig: Not from here. Jane Foster: We can't get close enough. Thor: I can. Malekith! Malekith: Darkness returns, Asgardian. Have you come to witness the end of your universe? Thor: I've come to accept your surrender. Malekith: You think you can stop this? The Aether cannot be destroyed. Thor: But you can. Jane Foster: Thor! No! Erik Selvig: Jane! Everybody okay? Darcy Lewis: He's gonna come back. Except, you know, last time he was gone for, like, two years. Jane Foster: Well, it's only been two days, so... Erik Selvig: Did he say anything before he left? Jane Foster: Yeah, he had to figure some stuff out with his father. He kind of committed treason... on our way out. Erik Selvig: Oh. Odin: You once said there would never be a wiser King than me. You were wrong. The alignment has brought all the realms together. Every one of them saw you offer your life to save them. What can Asgard offer its new King in return? Thor: My life. Father, I cannot be King of Asgard. I will protect Asgard and all the realms with my last and every breath, but I cannot do so from that chair. Loki, for all his grave imbalance, understood rule as I know I never will. The brutality, the sacrifice, it changes you. I'd rather be a good man than a great King. Odin: Is this my son I hear, or the woman he loves? Thor: When you speak, do I never hear Mother's voice? This is not for Jane, Father. She does not know what I came here to say. Now forbid me to see her or say she can rule at my side, it changes nothing. Odin: One son who wanted the throne too much, another who will not take it. Is this my legacy? Thor: Loki died with honor, I shall try to live the same. Is that not legacy enough? Odin: It belongs to you, if you are worthy of it. Thor: I shall try to be. Odin: I cannot give you my blessing, nor can I wish you good fortune. Thor: I know. Odin: If I were proud of the man my son had become, even that I could not say. It would speak only from my heart. Go, my son. Thor: Thank you, father. Loki: No. Thank you. Carina: I present to you, Taneleer Tivan, The Collector. The Collector: Woh, Oh. Asgardians, it's an honor. Sif: You know why we're here. The Collector: Of course. But if I may ask, why not keep it secure in your own vault? Volstagg: The Tesseract is already on Asgard. It's not wise to keep two Infinity Stones so close together. The Collector: That's very wise. I can assure you it will be absolutely safe in...in my collection. Sif: See that it is. The Collector: One down, five to go. Sif: I've got this completely under control! Thor: Is that why everything's on fire? Sif: All yours. Thor: Hello. I accept your surrender. Anyone else? Loki: I really don't see what all the fuss is about... Odin: Do you not truly feel the gravity of your crimes? Wherever you go there is war, ruin and death! Loki: I went down to Midgard to rule the people of Earth as a benevolent God, just like you. Odin: We are not gods. We're born, we live, we die, just as humans do. Loki: Give or take five thousand years. Odin: All this because Loki desires a throne... Loki: It is my birthright! Odin: Your birthright was to DIE! As a child, cast out on a frozen rock. If I had not taken you in, you would not be here now, to hate me. Loki: If I'm for the axe, then for mercy's sake, just swing it. It's not that I don't like our little talks, it's just... I don't love them. Odin: Frigga is the only reason you're still alive, and you will never see her again. You'll spend the rest of your days in the dungeons. Loki: And what of Thor? You'll make that witless oaf King while I rot in chains? Odin: Thor must strive to undo the damage you have done. He will bring order to the Nine Realms, and then, yes, he will be King. Darcy Lewis: Come on, this is exciting. Look! The intern is excited. Ian: Ian, my name's Ian. Darcy Lewis: Do you want the phase meter? Jane Foster: No. Darcy Lewis: Bring the phase meter. The toaster looking thing. Ian: Yeah. I know what the phase meter is. Thor: Jane? Jane Foster: Sorry. I just...needed to make sure you were real. It's been a very strange day. Thor: I am. Jane- Jane Foster: Where were you?! Thor: Where were you? Heimdall could not see you. Jane Foster: I was right here where you left me! I was waiting, and then I was crying, and then I went out looking for you. You said you were coming back. Thor: I know. I know, but the Bifröst was destroyed. The Nine Realms erupted into chaos. Wars were raging, marauders were pillaging...I had to put an end to the slaughter. Jane Foster: As excuses go, it's not...terrible...But I saw you on TV! You were in New York! Thor: Jane, I fought to protect you from the dangers of my world, but I was wrong. I was a fool. I believe that fate brought us together. Malekith: Look upon my legacy, Algrim. I can barely remember a time before the light. Algrim: Our survival will be your legacy. Malekith: The Asgardians will suffer as we have suffered. I will reclaim the Aether. I will restore our world. And I will put an end to this poisoned universe. Odin: She does not belong in Asgard any more than a goat belongs at a banquet! Jane Foster: Did he just-? Who do you think you are? Odin: I am Odin. King of Asgard. Protector of the Nine Realms. Jane Foster: Oh. Well I'm- Odin: I know very well who you are, Jane Foster. Jane Foster: You told your dad about me? Frigga: You know full well it was your actions that brought you here. Loki: My actions? I was merely giving truth to the lie that I had been fed my entire life...that I was born to be a king. Frigga: A king? A true king admits his faults. What of the lives you took on Earth? Loki: A mere handful compared to the number that Odin has taken himself. Frigga: Your father- Loki: He's not my father! Frigga: Then am I not your mother? Loki: You're not. Frigga: You're always so perceptive about everyone but yourself. Stand down, creature, and you may still survive this. Malekith: I have survived worse, woman. Frigga: Who are you? Malekith: I am Malekith... and I would have what is mine. You have taken something, child. Give it back. WITCH! Where is the Aether?! Frigga: I'll never tell you. Malekith: I believe you. Loki: Thor. After all this time and now you come to visit me. Why? Have you come to gloat? To mock? Thor: Loki, enough. No more illusions. Loki: Now you see me, brother. Did she suffer? Thor: I did not come here to share our grief. Instead, I offer you the chance of a far richer sacrament. Loki: Go on. Thor: I know you seek vengeance as much as I do. You help me escape Asgard, and I will grant it to you. Vengeance. And afterward, this cell. Loki: You must be truly desperate to come to me for help. What makes you think you can trust me? Thor: I don't. Mother did. You should know that when we fought each other in the past, I did so with a glimmer of hope that my brother was still in there somewhere. That hope no longer exists to protect you. You betray me, and I will kill you. Loki: Hm. When do we start? Jane Foster: You're... Loki: I'm Loki. You may have heard- Jane Foster: That was for New York! Loki: I like her. Sif: Betray him, and I'll kill you. Loki: Good to see you too, Sif. Volstagg: If you even think about betraying him... Loki: You'll kill me? Evidently, there will be a line. You know, this is wonderful! This a tremendous idea! Let's steal the biggest, most obvious ship in the universe and escape in that! Flying around the city, smash it into everything in sight so everyone can see us! It's brilliant, Thor! It's truly brilliant- Fandral: I see your time in the dungeon has made you no less graceful, Loki! Loki: You lied to me. I'm impressed. If it were easy, everyone would do it. Thor: Are you mad? Loki: Possibly. Thor: You think you alone were loved of Mother? You had her tricks, but I had her trust! Loki: Trust? Was that her last expression, trust? While you let her die?! Thor: What good were you in your cell? Loki: Who put me there? Who put me there?! Thor: You know damn well! You know damn well who! She wouldn't want us to fight. Loki: Well, she wouldn't exactly be shocked. Thor: I wish I could trust you. Loki: Trust my rage. Thor: I will tell Father what you did here today. Loki: I didn't do it for him. Darcy Lewis: What the hell was that? Why are you smiling? Erik Selvig: There's nothing more reassuring than realizing that the world is crazier than you are. Malekith: You needn't have come so far, Asgardian. Death would have come to you soon enough. Thor: Not by your hand! Malekith: Your universe was never meant to be. Your world and your family will be EXTINGUISHED! Darkness returns, Asgardian. Have you come to witness the end of your universe? Thor: I've come to accept your surrender. Malekith: You think you can stop this?! The Aether cannot be destroyed! Thor: But you can. Odin: One son who wanted the throne too much, and another who will not take it. Is this my legacy? Thor: Loki died with honour. I shall try to live the same. Is that not legacy enough? Odin: It belongs to you, if you are worthy of it. Thor: I shall try to be. Odin: I can not give you my blessing, nor can I wish you good fortune. Thor: I know. Odin: If I were proud of the man my son has become, even that I could not say, it would speak only from my heart. Go, my son. Thor: Thank you, Father. Loki: No... thank you. Carina: I present to you Taneleer Tivan. The Collector. The Collector: Asgardians! It's an honor. Sif: You know why we're here. The Collector: Of course. But if I may ask, why not keep it secure, in your own vault? Volstagg: The Tesseract is already on Asgard. It would be unwise to keep two Infinity Stones so close together. The Collector: That's very wise. I can assure you, it will be absolutely safe here in my collection. Sif: See that it is. The Collector: One down...five to go.

Steve Rogers: On your left. On your left. Sam Wilson: Uh-huh, on my left. Got it. Don't say it! Don't you say it! Steve Rogers: On your left! Sam Wilson: Come on! Steve Rogers: Need a medic? Sam Wilson: I need a new set of lungs. Dude, you just ran like 13 miles in 30 minutes. Steve Rogers: I guess I got a late start. Sam Wilson: Oh, really? You should be ashamed of yourself. You should take another lap. Did you just take it? I assumed you just took it. Steve Rogers: What unit you with? Sam Wilson: 58, Pararescue. But now I'm working down at the VA. Sam Wilson. Steve Rogers: Steve Rogers. Sam Wilson: Yeah I kind of put that together. Must have freaked you out coming home after the whole defrosting thing. Steve Rogers: It takes some getting used to. It's good to meet you, Sam. Sam Wilson: It's your bed, right? Steve Rogers: What's that? Sam Wilson: Your bed, it's too soft. When I was over there I'd sleep on the ground and use rock for pillows, like a caveman. Now I'm home, lying in my bed, and it's like... Steve Rogers: Lying on a marshmallow. Feel like I'm gonna sink right to the floor. How long? Sam Wilson: Two tours. You must miss the good old days, huh? Steve Rogers: Well, things aren't so bad. Food's a lot better, we used to boil everything. No polio is good. Internet, so helpful. I've been reading that a lot trying to catch up. Sam Wilson: Marvin Gaye, 1972, "Trouble Man" soundtrack. Everything you've missed jammed into one album. Steve Rogers: I'll put it on the list. Text Message: Mission alert. Extraction imminent. Meet at the curb. :) Steve Rogers: Alright, Sam, duty calls. Thanks for the run. If that's what you wanna call running. Sam Wilson: Oh, that's how it is? Steve Rogers: Oh, that's how it is. Sam Wilson: Okay. Any time you wanna stop by the VA, make me look awesome in front of the girl at the front desk, just let me know. Steve Rogers: I'll keep it in mind. Sam Wilson: Okay. Natasha Romanoff: Hey, fellas. Either one of you know where the Smithsonian is? I'm here to pick up a fossil. Steve Rogers: That's hilarious. Sam Wilson: How you doing? Natasha Romanoff: Hey. Steve Rogers: Can't run everywhere. Sam Wilson: No, you can't. Brock Rumlow: The target is a mobile satellite launch platform: The Lemurian Star. They were sending up their last payload when pirates took them, 93 minutes ago. Steve Rogers: Any demands? Brock Rumlow: A billion and a half. Steve Rogers: Why so steep? Brock Rumlow: Because it SHIELD's. Steve Rogers: So it's not off-course, it's trespassing. Natasha Romanoff: I'm sure they have a good reason. Steve Rogers: You know, I'm getting a little tired of being Fury's janitor. Natasha Romanoff: Relax, it's not that complicated. Steve Rogers: How many pirates? Brock Rumlow: Twenty-five, top mercs, led by this guy. Georges Batroc. Ex-DGSE, Action Division. He's at the top of Interpol's Red Notice. Before the French demobilized him, he had thirty-six kill missions. This guy's got a rep for maximum casualties. Steve Rogers: Hostages? Brock Rumlow: Uh...mostly techs. One officer, Jasper Sitwell. They're in the galley. Steve Rogers: What's Sitwell doing on a launch ship? Alright, I'm gonna sweep the deck and find Batroc. Nat, you'll kill the engines and wait for instructions. Rumlow, you sweep aft, find the hostages, get them to the life-pods, get 'em out. Let's move. Brock Rumlow: STRIKE, you heard the Cap. Gear up. Steve Rogers: Secure channel seven. Natasha Romanoff: Seven secure. Did you do anything fun Saturday night? Steve Rogers: Well, all the guys from my barbershop quartet are dead, so... No, not really. Pilot: Coming up by the drop zone, Cap. Natasha Romanoff: You know, if you ask Kristen out, from Statistics, she'd probably say yes. Steve Rogers: That's why I don't ask. Natasha Romanoff: Too shy or too scared? Steve Rogers: Too busy! Strike Agent: Was he wearing a parachute? Brock Rumlow: No. No, he wasn't. French Pirate #1: Do not move! Do not move. Steve Rogers: Thanks. Brock Rumlow: Yeah. You seemed pretty helpless without me. Natasha Romanoff: What about the nurse that lives across the hall from you? She seems kind of nice. Steve Rogers: Secure the engine room, then find me a date. Natasha Romanoff: I'm multitasking. French Pirate #1: I said to Batroc, if we want SHIELD to pay, we have to start sending them bodies now! I have a bullet for someone. You want a bullet in your head?! Do you want one? Eh? Move that leg. Want a bullet in your head? Georges Batroc: I do not like to wait. Call Durand. I want the ship ready to move when the ransom arrives. French Pirate: Yes, Batroc. Durand. Start the engine. Durand: Okay. Natasha Romanoff: Hey, sailor. French Pirate: Shut up. French Pirate #1: What is it? Want to be a hero? Well, I've waited long enough. Hey, look for Batroc. If I do not hear anything in two minutes, I'll start to kill them! French Pirate #2: Okay. I'll find him! French Pirate #1: Two minutes. French Pirate: Radio silence from SHIELD, Batroc. Strike Agent: Targets acquired. Brock Rumlow: STRIKE in position. Steve Rogers: Natasha, what's your status? Status, Natasha? Natasha Romanoff: Hang on! Engine room secure. French Pirate #1: Time's up. Who wants to die first? Hey, you! Take the girl. Steve Rogers: On my mark. Three. Two. One. Jasper Sitwell: I told you, SHIELD doesn't negotiate. French Pirate: Hello? Batroc, the line is dead. I lost contact with them. Brock Rumlow: Hostages en route to extraction. Romanoff missed the rendezvous point, Cap. Hostiles are still in play. Steve Rogers: Natasha, Batroc's on the move. Circle back to Rumlow and protect the hostages. Natasha! Georges Batroc: I thought that you were more than just a shield. Steve Rogers: Let's see. Natasha Romanoff: Well, this is awkward. Steve Rogers: What are you doing? Natasha Romanoff: Backing up the hard drive. It's a good habit to get into. Steve Rogers: Rumlow needed your help. What the hell are you doing here? You're saving SHIELD Intel. Natasha Romanoff: Whatever I can get my hands on. Steve Rogers: Our mission is to rescue hostages. Natasha Romanoff: No. That's your mission. And you've done it beautifully. Steve Rogers: You just jeopardized this whole operation. Natasha Romanoff: I think that's overstating things. Okay. That one's on me. Steve Rogers: You're damn right. You just can't stop yourself from lying, can you? Nick Fury: I didn't lie. Agent Romanoff had a different mission than yours. Steve Rogers: Which you didn't feel obliged to share. Nick Fury: I'm not obliged to do anything. Steve Rogers: Those hostages could've died, Nick. Nick Fury: I sent the greatest soldier in history to make sure that didn't happen. Steve Rogers: Soldiers trust each other, that's what makes it an army. Not a bunch of guys running around and shooting guns. Nick Fury: The last time I trusted someone, I lost an eye. Look, I didn't want you doing anything you weren't comfortable with. Agent Romanoff is comfortable with everything. Steve Rogers: I can't lead a mission when the people I'm leading have missions of their owns. Nick Fury: It's called compartmentalization. Nobody spills the secrets because nobody knows them all. Steve Rogers: Except you. Nick Fury: You're wrong about me. I do share. I'm nice like that. Insight bay. Shield Computer: Captain Rogers does not have clearance for Project Insight. Nick Fury: Director override, Fury, Nicholas J. Shield Computer: Confirmed. Steve Rogers: You know, they used to play music. Nick Fury: Yeah. My grandfather operated one of these things for forty years. My granddad worked in a nice building, he got good tips. He'd walk home every night, roll of ones stuffed in his lunch bag. He'd say "hi", people would say hi back. Time went on, neighborhood got rougher. He'd say "Hi", they'd say, "Keep on steppin'. Granddad got to grippin' that lunch bag a little tighter. Steve Rogers: Did he ever get mugged? Nick Fury: Every week some punk would say, "What's in the bag?" Steve Rogers: What did he do? Nick Fury: He'd show 'em. Bunch of crumpled ones and loaded .22 Magnum. Granddad loved people. But he didn't trust them very much. Yeah, I know. They're a little bit bigger than a .22. This is Project Insight. Three next generation Helicarriers synced to a network of targeting satellites. Steve Rogers: Launched from the Lemurian Star. Nick Fury: Once we get them in the air they never need to come down. Continuous suborbital flight courtesy of our new repulsor engines. Steve Rogers: Stark? Nick Fury: Well, he had a few suggestions once he got an up close look at our old turbines. These new long range precision guns can eliminate a thousand hostiles a minute. The satellites can read a terrorist's DNA before he steps outside his spider hole. We gonna neutralize a lot of threats before they even happen. Steve Rogers: I thought the punishment usually came after the crime. Nick Fury: We can't afford to wait that long. Steve Rogers: Who's "we"? Nick Fury: After New York, I convinced the World Security Council we needed a quantum surge in threat analysis. For once we're way ahead of the curve. Steve Rogers: By holding a gun at everyone on Earth and calling it protection. Nick Fury: You know, I read those SSR files. Greatest generation? You guys did some nasty stuff. Steve Rogers: Yeah, we compromised. Sometimes in ways that made us not sleep so well. But we did it so the people could be free. This isn't freedom, this is fear. Nick Fury: SHIELD takes the world as it is, not as we'd like it to be. It's getting damn near past time for you to get with that program, Cap. Steve Rogers: Don't hold your breath. The Smithsonian Narrator: A symbol to the nation. A hero to the world. The story of Captain America is one of honor, bravery and sacrifice. Woman On Pa: Welcome to the Smithsonian. Visitor information booths are available on the second level. The Smithsonian Narrator: Denied enlistment due to poor health, Steven Rogers was chosen for a program unique in the annals of American warfare. One that would transform him into the world's first super soldier. Old Footage Recording: In this rare footage, everyone's favorite war hero, Captain America... The Smithsonian Narrator: Battle tested, Captain America and his Howling Commandos quickly earned their stripes. Their mission, taking down HYDRA, the Nazi rogue science division. Best friends since childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steven Rogers were inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield. Barnes is the only Howling Commando to give his life in service of his country. Peggy Carter: That was a difficult winter. A blizzard had trapped half our battalion behind the German line. Steve... Captain Rogers, he fought his way through a HYDRA blockade that had pinned our allies down for months. He saved over a thousand men, including the man who would...who would become my husband as it turned out. Even after he died, Steve was still changing my life. Steve Rogers: You should be proud of yourself, Peggy. Peggy Carter: Mm. I have lived a life. My only regret is that you didn't get to live yours. What is it? Steve Rogers: For as long as I can remember I just wanted to do what was right. I guess I'm not quite sure what that is anymore. And I thought I could throw myself back in and follow orders, serve. It's just not the same. Peggy Carter: You're always so dramatic. Look, you saved the world. We rather...mucked it up. Steve Rogers: You didn't. Knowing that you helped found SHIELD is half the reason I stay. Peggy Carter: Hey. The world has changed and none of us can go back. All we can do is our best, and sometimes the best that we can do is to start over. Steve Rogers: Peggy. Peggy Carter: Steve? Steve Rogers: Yeah. Peggy Carter: You're alive! You...you came, you came back. Steve Rogers: Yeah, Peggy. Peggy Carter: It's been so long. So long. Steve Rogers: Well, I couldn't leave my best girl. Not when she owes me a dance. Nick Fury: Secure office. Open Lemurian Star's satellite launch file. Shield Computer: Access denied. Nick Fury: Run decryption. Shield Computer: Decryption failed. Nick Fury: Director override, Fury, Nicholas J. Shield Computer: Override denied. All files sealed. Nick Fury: On whose authority? Shield Computer: Fury, Nicholas J. Nick Fury: World Security Council. Shield Computer: Confirmed. Councilman Rockwell: If Nick Fury thinks he can get his costumed thugs and STRIKE commandos to mop-up his mess, he's sadly mistaken. This failure is unacceptable. Councilman Singh: Well, considering this attack took place one mile from my country's sovereign waters, it's a bit more then that. I move for immediate hearing. Councilwoman Hawley: We don't need hearings, we need action. It's this Council's duty to oversee SHIELD. Councilman Yen: A breach like this raises serious questions. Councilman Rockwell: Like how the hell did a French pirate manage to hijack a covert SHIELD vessel in broad daylight? Alexander Pierce: For the record, councilman, he's Algerian. I can draw a map if it'll help. Councilman Rockwell: I appreciate your wit, Secretary Pierce. But this Council take things like international piracy fairly seriously. Alexander Pierce: Really? I don't. I don't care about one boat, I care about the fleet. If this Council is going to fall a rancor every time someone pushes us on the playing field, maybe we need someone to oversee us. Councilman Yen: Mr. Secretary, nobody is suggesting... Alexander Pierce: Excuse me. Councilman Rockwell: More trouble, Mr. Secretary? Alexander Pierce: It depends on your definition. I work forty floors away and it takes a hijacking for you to visit? Nick Fury: A nuclear war would do it too. Busy in there? Alexander Pierce: Nothing some earmarks can't fix. Nick Fury: I'm, uh...here to ask a favor. I want you to call for a vote. Project insight has to be delayed. Alexander Pierce: Nick, that's not a favor, that's a subcommittee hearing. A long one. Nick Fury: It could be nothing, probably is nothing. I just need time to make sure it's nothing. Alexander Pierce: What if it's something? Nick Fury: Then we'll both be damn glad those Helicarriers aren't in the air. Alexander Pierce: Fine. But you gotta get Iron Man to stop by my niece's birthday party. Nick Fury: Thank you, sir. Alexander Pierce: And not just a flyby, he's got to mingle. Female War Veteran: The thing is I think it's getting worse. A cop pulled me over last week, he thought I was drunk. I swerved to miss a plastic bag. I thought it was an IED. Sam Wilson: Some stuff you leave there, other stuff you bring back. It's our job to figure out how to carry it. Is it gonna be in a big suitcase or in a little man-purse? It's up to you. Female War Veteran: I'll see you next week. Sam Wilson: Yeah. Female War Veteran: Yeah. Sam Wilson: Look who it is. The running man. Steve Rogers: Caught the last few minutes. It's pretty intense. Sam Wilson: Yeah, brother, we all got the same problems. Guilt, regret. Steve Rogers: You lose someone? Sam Wilson: My wingman, Riley. Flying a night mission.Standard PJ rescue op, nothing we hadn't done a thousand times before, till RPG knock Riley's dumb ass out of the sky. Nothing I could do. It's like I was up there just to watch. Steve Rogers: I'm sorry. Sam Wilson: After that, I had really hard time finding a reason for being over there, you know? Steve Rogers: But you're happy now, back in the world? Sam Wilson: Hey, the number of people giving me orders is down to about zero. So, hell, yeah. You thinking about getting out? Steve Rogers: No. I don't know. To be honest, I don't know what I would do with myself if I did. Sam Wilson: Ultimate fighting? It's just a great idea off the top of my head. But seriously, you could do whatever you want to do. What makes you happy? Steve Rogers: I don't know. Fury'S Car: Activating communications encryption protocol. Nick Fury: Open secure line zero-four-zero-five. Fury'S Car: Confirmed. Maria Hill: This is Hill. Nick Fury: I need you here in D.C. Deep shadow conditions. Maria Hill: Give me four hours. Nick Fury: You have three, over. Want to see my lease? Fury'S Car: Fracture detected. Recommend anesthetic injection. D.C. Metro Police dispatch shows no units in this area. Nick Fury: Get me out of here! Fury'S Car: Propulsion systems offline. Nick Fury: Then reboot, dammit! Fury'S Car: Warning! Window integrity compromised. Nick Fury: You think? How long to propulsion? Fury'S Car: Calculating. Window Integrity thiry-one percent. Deploying countermeasures. Nick Fury: Hold that order! Fury'S Car: Window Integrity nineteen percent. Offensive measures advised. Nick Fury: Wait! Fury'S Car: Window Integrity one percent. Nick Fury: Now! Fury'S Car: Propulsion systems now online. Nick Fury: Full acceleration, now! Initiate vertical takeoff! Fury'S Car: Flight systems damaged. Nick Fury: Then activate guidance cameras! Give me the wheel! Get me Agent Hill. Fury'S Car: Communications array damaged. Nick Fury: Well, what's not damaged? Fury'S Car: Air conditioning is fully operational. Traffic ahead. Nick Fury: Give me an alternate route. Fury'S Car: Traffic alert on Roosevelt Bridge. All vehicles stopped. 17th Avenue clear in three blocks, directly ahead. Warning, approaching intersection. Nick Fury: Get me off the grid! Fury'S Car: Calculating route to secure location. Sharon Carter: That's so sweet. That is so nice. Hey. I gotta go, though. Okay, bye. My aunt, she's kind of an insomniac. Yeah. Steve Rogers: Hey, if you want...if you want, you're welcome to use my machine. Might be cheaper than the one in the basement. Sharon Carter: Oh, yeah? What's it cost? Steve Rogers: A cup of coffee? Sharon Carter: Thank you, but um...I already have a load in downstairs, and, uh...you really don't want my scrubs in your machine. I'm just finished orientation in the infectious diseases ward, so. Steve Rogers: Ah, well, I'll keep my distance. Sharon Carter: Well hopefully not too far. Oh, and I think you left your stereo on. Steve Rogers: Oh. Right, thank you. Sharon Carter: Yeah. Steve Rogers: I don't remember giving you a key. Nick Fury: You really think I'd need one? My wife kicked me out. Steve Rogers: Didn't know you were married. Nick Fury: A lot of things you don't about me. Steve Rogers: I know, Nick. That's the problem. Nick Fury: I'm sorry to have to do this, but I had no place else to crash. Steve Rogers: Who else knows about your wife? Nick Fury: Just...my friends. Steve Rogers: Is that what we are? Nick Fury: That's up to you. Don't...trust anyone. Sharon Carter: Captain Rogers? Captain, I'm Agent 13 of SHIELD Special Service. Steve Rogers: Kate? Sharon Carter: I'm assigned to protect you. Steve Rogers: On whose order? Sharon Carter: His. Foxtrot is down, he's unresponsive. I need EMTs. Shield Agent: Do you have a twenty on the shooter? Steve Rogers: Tell him I'm in pursuit. Natasha Romanoff: Is he gonna make it? Steve Rogers: I don't know. Natasha Romanoff: Tell me about the shooter. Steve Rogers: He's fast and strong. Had a metal arm. Natasha Romanoff: Ballistics? Maria Hill: Three slugs, no rifling. Completely untraceable. Natasha Romanoff: Soviet-made. Maria Hill: Yeah. Male Nurse: He's in V-tach. Female Nurse: Crash cart coming in. Doctor: Nurse, help me with the drape. Male Nurse: BP is dropping. Doctor: Defibrillator! I want you to charge him at one hundred. Natasha Romanoff: Don't do this to me, Nick. Doctor: Stand back! Three, two, one. Clear! Pulse? Male Nurse: No pulse. Doctor #1: No pulse. Doctor: Okay. 200, please. Stand back! Three, two, one. Clear! Give me epinephrine! Pulse? Male Nurse: Negative. Natasha Romanoff: Don't do this to me, Nick. Don't do this to me. Doctor: What's the time? Female Nurse: 1:03, Doctor. Doctor: Time of death, 1:03 a.m. Maria Hill: I need to take him. Steve Rogers: Natasha. Natasha! Natasha Romanoff: Why was Fury in your apartment? Steve Rogers: I don't know. Brock Rumlow: Cap, they want you back at SHIELD. Steve Rogers: Yeah, give me a second. Brock Rumlow: They want you now. Steve Rogers: Okay. Natasha Romanoff: You're a terrible liar. Jasper Sitwell: STRIKE team, escort Captain Rogers back to SHIELD immediately for questioning. Brock Rumlow: I told him. Steve Rogers: Let's go. Brock Rumlow: Yeah. STRIKE, move it out. Alexander Pierce: For whatever it's worth, you did your best. Sharon Carter: Thank you, sir. Captain Rogers. Steve Rogers: Neighbor. Alexander Pierce: Ah, Captain. I'm Alexander Pierce. Steve Rogers: Sir, it's an honor. Alexander Pierce: The honor is mine, Captain. My father served in the 101st. Come on in. That photo was taken five years after Nick and I met. When I was at State Department in Bogota. ELN rebels took the embassy, and security got me out, but the rebels took hostages. Nick was deputy chief for the SHIELD station there. And he comes to me with a plan. He wants to storm the building through the sewers. I said, "No, we'll negotiate." Turned out the ELN didn't negotiate, so they put out a kill order. They stormed the basement, and what did they find? They find it empty. Nick had ignored my direct order and carried out an unauthorized military operation on foreign soil. He saved the lives of a dozen political officers, including my daughter. Steve Rogers: So you gave him a promotion. Alexander Pierce: I've never had any cause to regret it. Captain, why was Nick in your apartment last night? Steve Rogers: I don't know. Alexander Pierce: You know it was bugged? Steve Rogers: I did, because Nick told me. Alexander Pierce: Did he tell you he was the one who bugged it? I want you to see something. Shield Agent: Who hired you, Batroc? Steve Rogers: Is that live? Alexander Pierce: Yeah, they picked him up last night in a not-so-safe house in Algiers. Steve Rogers: Are you saying he's a suspect? Assassination isn't Batroc's line. Alexander Pierce: No, it's more complicated than that. Batroc was hired anonymously to attack the Lemurian Star and he was contacted by e-mail and paid by wire transfer. And then the money was run through seventeen fictitious accounts, the last one going to a holding company that was registered to a Jacob Veech. Steve Rogers: Am I supposed to know who that is? Alexander Pierce: Not likely. Veech died six years ago. His last address was 14-35 Elmhurst Drive. When I first met Nick his mother lived at 14-37. Steve Rogers: Are you saying Fury hired the pirates? Why? Alexander Pierce: The prevailing theory was that the hijacking was a cover for the acquisition and sale of classified intelligence. The sale went sour and that led to Nick's death. Steve Rogers: If you really knew Nick Fury you'd know that's not true. Alexander Pierce: Why do you think we're talking? See, I took a seat on the Council not because I wanted to but because Nick asked me to, because we were both realists. We knew that despite all the diplomacy and the handshaking and the rhetoric, that to build a really better world sometimes means having to tear the old one down. And that makes enemies. Those people that call you dirty because you got the guts to stick your hands in the mud and try to build something better. And the idea that those people could be happy today, makes me really, really angry. Captain, you were the last one to see Nick alive. I don't think that's an accident, and I don't think you do either. So I'm gonna ask again, why was he there? Steve Rogers: He told me not to trust anyone. Alexander Pierce: I wonder if that included him. Steve Rogers: I'm sorry. Those were his last words. Excuse me. Alexander Pierce: Captain. Somebody murdered my friend and I'm gonna find out why. Anyone gets in my way, they're gonna regret it. Anyone. Steve Rogers: Understood. Operations control. Shield Computer: Confirmed. Brock Rumlow: Keep all STRIKE personnel on site. Strike Agent #1: Understood. Strike Agent #2: Yes, sir. Brock Rumlow: Forensics. Shield Computer: Confirmed. Brock Rumlow: Cap. Steve Rogers: Rumlow. Brock Rumlow: Evidence Response found some fibres on the roof they want us to see. You want me to get the tac-team ready? Steve Rogers: No, lets wait and see what it is first. Brock Rumlow: Right. Shield Agent #1: What's the status so far? Shield Agent #2: Administrations level. Shield Computer: Confirmed. Shield Agent #2: Excuse me. Brock Rumlow: I'm sorry about what happened with Fury. Messed up, what happened to him. Steve Rogers: Thank you. Strike Agent #3: Records. Shield Computer: Confirmed. Steve Rogers: Before we get started, does anyone want to get out? Jasper Sitwell: Mobilize STRIKE units, 25th floor. Brock Rumlow: Whoa, big guy. I just want you to know, Cap, this ain't personal. Steve Rogers: It kind of feels personal. 25Th Floor Strike Agent: Drop the shield! Put your hands in the air! Strike Agent: Give it up, Rogers! Get that door open! You have nowhere to go! Jasper Sitwell: Are you kidding me? He's headed for the garage. Lock down the bridge! Quinjet Pilot: Stand down, Captain Rogers. Stand down. Repeat, stand down. Jasper Sitwell: Eyes here. Whatever your op is, bury it. This is Level One. Contact DOT. All traffic lights in the district go red. Shut all runways at BWI, IAD and Reagan. All security cameras in the city go through this monitor, right here. Scan all open sources. Phones, computers, PDAs, whatever. If someone tweets about this guy, I want to know about it. Sharon Carter: With all due respect, If SHIELD is conducting a manhunt for Captain America, we deserve to know why. Alexander Pierce: Because he lied to us. Captain Rogers has information regarding the death of Director Fury, he refused to share it. As difficult as this is to accept, Captain America is a fugitive from SHIELD. Steve Rogers: Where is it? Natasha Romanoff: Safe. Steve Rogers: Do better! Natasha Romanoff: Where did you get it? Steve Rogers: Why would I tell you? Natasha Romanoff: Fury gave it to you. Why? Steve Rogers: What's on it? Natasha Romanoff: I don't know. Steve Rogers: Stop lying! Natasha Romanoff: I only act like I know everything, Rogers. Steve Rogers: I bet you knew Fury hired the pirates, didn't you? Natasha Romanoff: Well, it makes sense. The ship was dirty, Fury needed a way in, so do you. Steve Rogers: I'm not gonna ask you again. Natasha Romanoff: I know who killed Fury. Most of the intelligence community doesn't believe he exists, the ones who do call him the Winter Soldier. He's credited with over two dozen assassinations in the last fifty years. Steve Rogers: So he's a ghost story. Natasha Romanoff: Five years ago I was escorting a nuclear engineer out of Iran, somebody shot out my tires near Odessa. We lost control, went straight over a cliff, I pulled us out, but the Winter Soldier was there. I was covering my engineer, so he shot him straight through me. Soviet slug, no rifling. Bye-bye bikinis. Steve Rogers: Yeah, I bet you look terrible in them now. Natasha Romanoff: Going after him is a dead end. I know, I've tried. Like you said, he's a ghost story. Steve Rogers: Well, let's find out what the ghost wants. Alexander Pierce: Nick Fury was murdered in cold blood. To any reasonable person, that would make him a martyr, not a traitor. Councilman Rockwell: You know what makes him a traitor? Hiring a mercenary to hijack his own ship. Councilman Singh: Nick Fury used your friendship to coerce this council into delaying Project Insight. A project he knew would expose his own illegal operations. At best, he lied to you. At worst... Alexander Pierce: Are you calling for my resignation? I've got a pen and paper right here. Councilwoman Hawley: That discussion can be tabled for a later time. Alexander Pierce: But you do want to have a discussion. Councilman Rockwell: We've already had it, Mr. Secretary. This council moves to immediately reactivate Project Insight. If you want to say something snappy, now would be a good time. Natasha Romanoff: First rule of going on the run is, don't run, walk. Steve Rogers: If I run in these shoes, they're gonna fall off. Natasha Romanoff: The drive has a Level Six homing program, so as soon as we boot up SHIELD will know exactly where we are. Steve Rogers: How much time do we have? Natasha Romanoff: Uh...about nine minutes from... Now. Fury was right about that ship, somebody's trying to hide something. This drive is protected by some sort of AI, it keeps rewriting itself to counter my commands. Steve Rogers: Can you override it? Natasha Romanoff: The person who developed this is slightly smarter than me. Slightly. I'm gonna try running a tracer. This is a program that SHIELD developed to track hostile malware, so if we can't read the file, maybe we can find out where it came from. Apple Employee: Can I help you guys with anything? Natasha Romanoff: Oh, no. My fiancé was just helping me with some honeymoon destinations. Steve Rogers: Right! We're getting married. Apple Employee: Congratulations. Where do you guys thinking about going? Steve Rogers: New Jersey. Apple Employee: Oh. I have the exact same glasses. Natasha Romanoff: Wow, you two are practically twins. Apple Employee: Yeah, I wish. Specimen. Uh...if you guys need anything, I've been Aaron. Steve Rogers: Thank you. You said nine minutes, come on. Natasha Romanoff: Shh, relax. Got it. You know it? Steve Rogers: I used to. Let's go. Standard tac-team. Two behind, to across, two coming straight at us. If they make us, I'll engage, you hit the south escalator to the metro. Natasha Romanoff: Shut up and put your arm around me, laugh at something I said. Steve Rogers: What? Natasha Romanoff: Do it! Jack Rollins: Negative at the source. Brock Rumlow: Give me a floor rundown. Shield Agent #2: Negative on three. Shield Agent #3: Negative on two. Brock Rumlow: Snake the upper levels, work down to me. Natasha Romanoff: Kiss me. Steve Rogers: What? Natasha Romanoff: Public displays of affection make people very uncomfortable. Steve Rogers: Yes, they do. Natasha Romanoff: You still uncomfortable? Steve Rogers: It's not exactly the word I would use. Natasha Romanoff: Where did Captain America learn how to steal a car? Steve Rogers: Nazi Germany. Natasha Romanoff: Mm. Steve Rogers: And we're borrowing. Take your feet off the dash. Natasha Romanoff: Alright, I have a question for you, oh, which you do not have to answer. I feel like if you don't answer it though, you're kind of answering it, you know? Steve Rogers: What? Natasha Romanoff: Was that your first kiss since 1945? Steve Rogers: That bad, huh? Natasha Romanoff: I didn't say that. Steve Rogers: Well, it kind of sounds like that's what you're saying. Natasha Romanoff: No, I didn't. I just wondered how much practice you've had. Steve Rogers: You don't need practice. Natasha Romanoff: Everybody needs practice. Steve Rogers: It was not my first kiss since 1945. I'm ninety-five, I'm not dead. Natasha Romanoff: Nobody special, though? Steve Rogers: Believe it or not, it's kind of hard to find someone with shared life experience. Natasha Romanoff: Well, that's alright, you just make something up. Steve Rogers: What, like you? Natasha Romanoff: I don't know. The truth is a matter of circumstances, it's not all things to all people all the time. And neither am I. Steve Rogers: That's a tough way to live. Natasha Romanoff: It's a good way not to die, though. Steve Rogers: You know, it's kind of hard to trust someone when you don't know who that someone really is. Natasha Romanoff: Yeah. Who do you want me to be? Steve Rogers: How about a friend? Natasha Romanoff: Well, there's a chance you might be in the wrong business, Rogers. Steve Rogers: This is it. Natasha Romanoff: The file came from these coordinates. Steve Rogers: So did I. This camp is where I was trained. Natasha Romanoff: Changed much? Steve Rogers: A little. Sergeant Duffy: Pick up the pace, ladies! Let's go! Let's go! Double time! Come on Rogers, move it! Come on! Fall in! Rogers! I said fall in! Natasha Romanoff: This is a dead end. Zero heat signature, zero waves, not even radio. Whoever wrote the file must have used a router to throw people off. What is it? Steve Rogers: Army regulations forbid storing ammunition within five hundred yards of the barracks. This building is in the wrong place. Natasha Romanoff: This is SHIELD. Steve Rogers: Maybe where it started. Natasha Romanoff: There's Stark's father. Steve Rogers: Howard. Natasha Romanoff: Who's the girl? Steve Rogers: If you're already working in a secret office... Why do you need to hide the elevator? Natasha Romanoff: This can't be the data-point, this technology is ancient. Computer: Initiate system? Natasha Romanoff: Y-E-S, spells yes. "Shall we play a game?" It's from a movie that... Steve Rogers: Yeah, I saw it. Dr. Arnim Zola: Rogers, Steven. Born, 1918. Romanoff, Natalia Alianovna. Born, 1984. Natasha Romanoff: It's some kind of a recording. Dr. Arnim Zola: I am not a recording, Fräulein. I may not be the man I was when the Captain took me prisoner in 1945, but I am. Natasha Romanoff: Do you know this thing? Steve Rogers: Arnim Zola was a German scientist who worked for the Red Skull. He's been dead for years. Dr. Arnim Zola: First correction, I am Swiss. Second, look around you. I have never been more alive. In 1972 I received a terminal diagnosis. Science could not save my body, my mind, however, that was worth saving on two hundred thousand feet of data banks. You are standing in my brain. Steve Rogers: How did you get here? Dr. Arnim Zola: Invited. Natasha Romanoff: It was Operation Paperclip after World War II. SHIELD recruited German scientists with strategic value. Dr. Arnim Zola: They thought I could help their cause. I also helped my own. Steve Rogers: HYDRA died with the Red Skull. Dr. Arnim Zola: Cut off one head, two more shall take its place. Steve Rogers: Prove it. Dr. Arnim Zola: Accessing archive. HYDRA was founded on the belief that humanity could not be trusted with its own freedom. What we did not realize, was that if you try to take that freedom, they resist. The war taught us much. Humanity needed to surrender its freedom willingly. After the war, SHIELD was founded and I was recruited. The new HYDRA grew. A beautiful parasite inside SHIELD. For seventy years HYDRA has been secretly feeding crisis, reaping war. And when history did not cooperate, history was changed. Natasha Romanoff: That's impossible, SHIELD would have stopped you. Dr. Arnim Zola: Accidents will happen. HYDRA created a world so chaotic that humanity is finally ready to sacrifice its freedom to gain its security. Once the purification process is complete, HYDRA's new world order will arise. We won, Captain. Your death amounts to the same as your Life; a zero sum. As I was saying... Steve Rogers: What's on this drive? Dr. Arnim Zola: Project Insight requires insight. So I wrote an algorithm. Natasha Romanoff: What kind of algorithm? What does it do? Dr. Arnim Zola: The answer to your question is fascinating. Unfortunately, you shall be too dead to hear it. Natasha Romanoff: Steve, we got a bogey. Short range ballistic. 30 seconds tops. Steve Rogers: Who fired it? Natasha Romanoff: S.H.I.E.L.D. Dr. Arnim Zola: I am afraid I have been stalling, Captain. Admit it, it's better this way. We're both of us...out of time. Brock Rumlow: Call in the asset. Renata: I'm going to go, Mr. Pierce. You need anything before I leave? Alexander Pierce: No. Uh...it's fine, Renata, you can go home. Renata: Okay, night-night. Alexander Pierce: Good night. Want some milk? The timetable has moved. Our window is limited. Two targets, Level Six. They already cost me Zola. I want confirmed death in ten hours. Renata: Sorry, Mr. Pierce, I...I forgot my phone. Alexander Pierce: Oh, Renata. I wish you would have knocked. Sam Wilson: Hey, man. Steve Rogers: I'm sorry about this. We need a place to lay low. Natasha Romanoff: Everyone we know is trying to kill us. Sam Wilson: Not everyone. Steve Rogers: You okay? Natasha Romanoff: Yeah. Steve Rogers: What's going on? Natasha Romanoff: When I first joined SHIELD, I thought I was going straight. But I guess I just traded in the KGB for HYDRA. I thought I knew whose lies I was telling, but...I guess I can't tell the difference anymore. Steve Rogers: There's a chance you might be in the wrong business. Natasha Romanoff: I owe you. Steve Rogers: It's okay. Natasha Romanoff: If it was the other way around, and it was down to me to save your life, and you be honest with me, would you trust me to do it? Steve Rogers: I would now. And I'm always honest. Natasha Romanoff: Well, you seem pretty chipper for someone who just found out they died for nothing. Steve Rogers: Well, I guess I just like to know who I'm fighting. Sam Wilson: I made breakfast. If you guys...eat that sort of thing. Natasha Romanoff: So, the question is: who in SHIELD could launch a domestic missile strike? Steve Rogers: Pierce. Natasha Romanoff: Who happens to be sitting on top of the most secure building in the world. Steve Rogers: But he's not working alone, Zola's algorithm was on the Lemurian Star. Natasha Romanoff: So was Jasper Sitwell. Steve Rogers: So, the real question is: how do the two most wanted people in Washington kidnap a SHIELD officer in broad daylight? Sam Wilson: The answer is: you don't. Steve Rogers: What's this? Sam Wilson: Call it a resume. Natasha Romanoff: Is this Bakhmala? The Khalid Khandil mission, that was you. You didn't say he was a para-rescue. Steve Rogers: Is this Riley? Sam Wilson: Yeah. Natasha Romanoff: I heard they couldn't bring in the choppers because of the RPGs. What did you use, a stealth chute? Sam Wilson: No. These. Steve Rogers: I thought you said you were a pilot. Sam Wilson: I never said pilot. Steve Rogers: I can't ask you to do this, Sam. You got out for a good reason. Sam Wilson: Dude, Captain America needs my help. There's no better reason to get back in. Steve Rogers: Where can we get our hands on one of these things? Sam Wilson: The last one is at Fort Meade, behind three guarded gates and a twelve-inch steel wall. Steve Rogers: Shouldn't be a problem. Senator Stern: Listen, I gotta fly home tonight, cause uh...I got some constituency problem, and I gotta press the flesh. Jasper Sitwell: Any constituent in particular, Mr. Senator? Senator Stern: Uh...no, not really. Twenty-three, kind of hot. Real hot. You know, wants to be a reporter, I think. I don't know, who listens at that point? Jasper Sitwell: Doesn't sound much of a problem to me. Senator Stern: Really? Cause she's killing my back. Look, this isn't the place to talk about it. This is a nice pin. Jasper Sitwell: Thank you. Senator Stern: Come here. Hail, HYDRA. See, it's right there... Jasper Sitwell: I just saw that, yeah. Senator Stern: Should I get it checked? Jasper Sitwell: I think you should. I need a minute. Bring the car around. Yes, sir? Sam Wilson: Agent Sitwell, how was lunch? I hear the crab cakes here are delicious. Jasper Sitwell: Who is this? Sam Wilson: The good looking guy in the sunglasses, your ten o'clock. Your other ten o'clock. There you go. Jasper Sitwell: What do you want? Sam Wilson: You're gonna go around the corner, to your right. There's a grey car, two spaces down. You and I are gonna take a ride. Jasper Sitwell: And why would I do that? Sam Wilson: Because that tie looks really expensive, and I'd hate to mess it up. Steve Rogers: Tell me about Zola's algorithm. Jasper Sitwell: Never heard of it. Steve Rogers: What were you doing on the Lemurian Star? Jasper Sitwell: I was throwing up, I get seasick. Is this little display meant to insinuate that you're gonna throw me off the roof? Because it's really not your style, Rogers. Steve Rogers: You're right. It's not. It's hers. Natasha Romanoff: Oh, wait. What about that girl from accounting, Laura...? Steve Rogers: Lillian. Lip piercing, right? Natasha Romanoff: Yeah, she's cute. Steve Rogers: Yeah, I'm not ready for that. Jasper Sitwell: Zola's algorithm is a program...for choosing Insight's targets! Steve Rogers: What targets? Jasper Sitwell: You! A TV anchor in Cairo, the Undersecretary of Defense, a high school valedictorian in Iowa city. Bruce Banner, Stephen Strange, anyone who's a threat to HYDRA! Now, or in the future. Steve Rogers: The Future? How could it know? Jasper Sitwell: How could it not? The 21st century is a digital book. Zola taught HYDRA how to read it. Your bank records, medical histories, voting patterns, e-mails, phone calls, your damn SAT scores. Zola's algorithm evaluates people's past to predict their future. Steve Rogers: And what then? Jasper Sitwell: Oh, my God. Pierce is gonna kill me. Steve Rogers: What then?! Jasper Sitwell: Then the Insight Helicarriers scratch people off the list. A few million at a time. HYDRA doesn't like leaks. Sam Wilson: So why don't you try sticking a cork in it. Natasha Romanoff: Insight's launching in sixteen hours, we're cutting it a little bit close here. Steve Rogers: I know. We'll use him to bypass the DNA scans and access the Helicarriers directly. Jasper Sitwell: What?! Are you crazy? That is a terrible, terrible idea. Sam Wilson: Shit! Steve Rogers: Hang on! Bucky Barnes: She's mine. Find him. Sam Wilson: Go, I got this! Natasha Romanoff: I make an LZ, twenty-three hundred block of Virginia Avenue. Rendezvous two minutes. Taking fire above and below expressway. Civilians threatened. Repeat, civilians threatened. I make an LZ, twenty-three hundred block at Virginia Avenue. Rendezvous two minutes. Get out of the way! Stay out of the way! Steve Rogers: Bucky? Bucky Barnes: Who the hell is Bucky? Brock Rumlow: Drop the shield, Cap! On your knees! Get on your knees! Now! Get down! Get down! Get on your knees! Down! Don't move. Put the gun down. Not here. Not here! Steve Rogers: It was him. He looked right at me like he didn't even know me. Sam Wilson: How's that even possible? It was like seventy years ago. Steve Rogers: Zola. Bucky's whole unit was captured in '43, Zola experimented on him. Whatever he did helped Bucky survive the fall. They must have found him and... Natasha Romanoff: None of that's your fault, Steve. Steve Rogers: Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky. Sam Wilson: We need to get a doctor here. We don't put pressure on that wound she's gonna bleed out here in the truck. Maria Hill: Ah. That thing was squeezing my brain. Who's this guy? Brock Rumlow: Three holes. Start digging. Maria Hill: GSW. She's lost at least a pint. Sam Wilson: Maybe two. Doctor: Let me take her. Maria Hill: She'll want to see him first. Nick Fury: About damn time. Lacerated spinal column, cracked sternum, shattered collarbone, perforated liver, one hell of a headache. Doctor: Don't forget your collapsed lung. Nick Fury: Oh, let's not forget that. Otherwise, I'm good. Natasha Romanoff: They cut you open, your heart stopped. Nick Fury: Tetrodotoxin B. Slows the pulse to one beat a minute. Banner developed it for stress. Didn't work so great for him, but we found a use for it. Steve Rogers: Why all the secrecy? Why not just tell us? Maria Hill: Any attempt on the director's life had to look successful. Nick Fury: Can't kill you if you're already dead. Besides, I wasn't sure who to trust. Dr. Arnim Zola: Sergeant Barnes... Steve Rogers: Bucky, no! Dr. Arnim Zola: The procedure has already started. You are to be the new fist of HYDRA. Put him on ice. Scientist #1: Sir, he's...he's unstable. Erratic. Alexander Pierce: Mission report. Mission report, now. Bucky Barnes: The man on the bridge... Who was he? Alexander Pierce: You met him earlier this week on another assignment. Bucky Barnes: I knew him. Alexander Pierce: Your work has been a gift to mankind. You shaped the century, and I need you to do it one more time. Society is at a tipping point between order and chaos. Tomorrow morning we're gonna give it a push. But, if you don't do your part, I can't do mine, and HYDRA can't give the world the freedom it deserves. Bucky Barnes: But I knew him. Alexander Pierce: Prep him. Scientist #1: He's been out of cryo-freeze too long. Alexander Pierce: Then wipe him and start over. Nick Fury: This man declined the Nobel Peace Prize. He said, "Peace wasn't an achievement, it was a responsibility." See, it's stuff like this that gives me trust issues. Natasha Romanoff: We have to stop the launch. Nick Fury: I don't think the Council's accepting my calls anymore. Sam Wilson: What's that? Maria Hill: Once the Helicarriers reach three thousand feet, they'll triangulate with Insight satellites becoming fully weaponized. Nick Fury: We need to breach those carriers and replace their targeting blades with our own. Maria Hill: One or two won't cut it. We need to link all three carriers for this to work, because if even one of those ships remains operational a whole lot of people are gonna die. Nick Fury: We have to assume everyone aboard those carriers is HYDRA. We need to get pass them, insert the server blades, and maybe, just maybe, we can salvage what's left... Steve Rogers: We're not salvaging anything. We're not just taking down the carriers, Nick, we're taking down SHIELD. Nick Fury: SHIELD had nothing to do with it. Steve Rogers: You gave me this mission, this is how it ends. SHIELD's been compromised, you said so yourself. HYDRA grew right under your nose and nobody noticed. Nick Fury: Why do you think we're meeting in this cave? I noticed. Steve Rogers: And how many paid the price before you did? Nick Fury: Look, I didn't know about Barnes. Steve Rogers: Even if you have, would you have told me? Or would you have compartmentalized that too? SHIELD, HYDRA, it all goes. Maria Hill: He's right. Sam Wilson: Don't look at me. I do what he does, just slower. Nick Fury: Well... Looks like you're giving the orders now, Captain. Bucky Barnes: We looked for you after. My folks wanted to give you a ride to the cemetery. Steve Rogers: I know, I'm sorry. I just...kind of wanted to be alone. Bucky Barnes: How was it? Steve Rogers: It was okay. She's next to Dad. Bucky Barnes: I was gonna ask... Steve Rogers: I know what you're gonna say, Buck, I just... Bucky Barnes: We can put the couch cushions on the floor like when we were kids. It'll be fun. All you gotta do is shine my shoes, maybe take out the trash. Come on. Steve Rogers: Thank you, Buck, but I can get by on my own. Bucky Barnes: The thing is, you don't have to. I'm with you to the end of the line, pal. Sam Wilson: He's gonna be there, you know? Steve Rogers: I know. Sam Wilson: Look, whoever he used to be, the guy he is now, I don't think he's the kind you save. He's the kind you stop. Steve Rogers: I don't know if I can do that. Sam Wilson: Well, he might not give you a choice. He doesn't know you. Steve Rogers: He will. Gear up, it's time. Sam Wilson: You gonna wear that? Steve Rogers: No. If you're gonna fight a war, you gotta wear a uniform. Smithsonian Guard: Oh, man. I am so fired! Man On Pa: We are in final launch sequence. Shield Tech: We are go on guidance. Woman On Pa: All personnel to launch station. Alexander Pierce: And how was your flight? Councilman Hawley: Lovely. The ride from the airport less so. Alexander Pierce: Sadly, SHIELD can't control everything. Councilman Rockwell: Including Captain America. Alexander Pierce: This facility is biometrically controlled, and these will give you unrestricted access. Com Tech #1: I've been parking there for two months. Com Tech #2: But it's his spot. Com Tech #1: So where's he been? Com Tech #2: I think Afghanistan. Com Tech #1: Negative, DT-6. The pattern is full. Well, he could have said something. Ow! Com Tech #2: Must be the dish. Com Tech #1: I'll check it out. Man On Pa: Triskelion command request we clear the area for launch. Steve Rogers: Excuse us. Alexander Pierce: I know the road hasn't exactly been smooth, and some of you would have gladly kicked me out of the car along the way. Finally we're here, and the world should be grateful. Steve Rogers: Attention, all SHIELD agents. This is Steve Rogers. You've heard a lot about me over the last few days, some of you were even ordered to hunt me down. But I think it's time you know the truth. SHIELD is not what we thought it was, it's been taken over by HYDRA. Alexander Pierce is their leader. The STRIKE and Insight crew are HYDRA as well. I don't know how many more, but I know they're in the building. They could be standing right next to you. They almost have what they want: absolute control. They shot Nick Fury and it won't end there. If you launch those Helicarriers today, HYDRA will be able to kill anyone that stands in their way, unless we stop them. I know I'm asking a lot, but the price of freedom is high, it always has been, and it's a price I'm willing to pay. And if I'm the only one, then so be it. But I'm willing to bet I'm not. Sam Wilson: Did you write that down first, or was it off the top of your head? Councilman Rockwell: You smug son of a bitch. Councilman Singh: Arrest him. Alexander Pierce: I guess I've got the floor. Brock Rumlow: Preempt the launch sequence. Send those ships up now. Is there a problem? Shield Tech: I'm... Brock Rumlow: Is there a problem? Shield Tech: I'm sorry, sir. I'm not gonna launch those ships. Captain's orders. Brock Rumlow: Move away from your station. Sharon Carter: Like he said! Captain's orders. Brock Rumlow: You picked the wrong side, Agent. Sharon Carter: Depends on where you're standing. Shield Agent: Close the bay door! Close the bay door now! Close the bay door! Maria Hill: They're initiating launch. Sam Wilson: Hey, Cap, how do we know the good guys from the bad guys? Steve Rogers: If they're shooting at you, they're bad. Sam Wilson: Hey, Cap, I found those bad guys you were talking about. Steve Rogers: You okay? Sam Wilson: I'm not dead yet. Alexander Pierce: Let me ask you a question. What if Pakistan marched into Mumbai tomorrow, and you knew that they were gonna drag your daughters into a soccer stadium for execution? And you could just stop it with a flick of the switch. Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you all? Councilman Singh: Not if it was your switch. Natasha Romanoff: I'm sorry. Did I step on your moment? Charlie Weapons Tech: Satellites in range at three thousand feet. Maria Hill: Falcon, status? Sam Wilson: Engaging. Alright, Cap, I'm in. Shit! Maria Hill: Eight minutes, Cap. Steve Rogers: Working on it. Councilman Rockwell: What are you doing? Alexander Pierce: She's disabling security protocols and dumping all the secrets onto the Internet. Natasha Romanoff: Including HYDRA's. Alexander Pierce: And SHIELD's. If you do this, non of your past is gonna remain hidden. Are you sure you're ready for the world to see you as you really are? Natasha Romanoff: Are you? Steve Rogers: Alpha locked. Maria Hill: Falcon, where are you now? Sam Wilson: I had to take a detour! Oh, yeah! I'm in. Bravo locked. Maria Hill: Two down, one to go. Shield Pilot: All SHIELD pilots, scramble. We're the only air support Captain Rogers has got. Alexander Pierce: Disabling the encryption is an executive order, it takes two Alpha Level members. Natasha Romanoff: Don't worry, company's coming. Alexander Pierce: Did you get my flowers? I'm glad you're here, Nick. Nick Fury: Really? Cause I thought you had me killed. Alexander Pierce: You know how the game works. Nick Fury: So why make me head of SHIELD? Alexander Pierce: Cause you were the best and the most ruthless person I ever met. Nick Fury: I did what I did to protect people. Alexander Pierce: Our enemies are your enemies, Nick. Disorder, war. It's just a matter of time before a dirty bomb goes off in Moscow, or an EMP fries Chicago. Diplomacy? Holding action, a band-aid. And you know where I learned that; Bogota. You didn't ask, you just did what had to be done. I can bring order to the lives of seven billion people by sacrificing twenty million. It's the next step, Nick, if you have the courage to take it. Nick Fury: No, I have the courage not to. Shield Computer: Retinal scanner active. Alexander Pierce: You don't you think we wiped your clearance from the system? Nick Fury: I know you erased my password, probably deleted my retinal scan, but if you want to stay ahead of me, Mr. Secretary... You need to keep both eyes open. Shield Computer: Alpha Level confirmed. Encryption code accepted. Safeguards removed. Maria Hill: Charlie Carrier's forty-five degrees off the port bow. Six minutes. Steve Rogers: Hey, Sam, I'm gonna need a ride. Sam Wilson: Roger! Let me know when you're ready. Steve Rogers: I just did! Sam Wilson: You know, you're a lot heavier than you look. Steve Rogers: I had a big breakfast. Sam Wilson: Steve! Cap? Cap, come in. Are you okay? Steve Rogers: Yeah, I'm here! I'm still on the Helicarrier. Where are you? Sam Wilson: I'm grounded, the suit's down. Sorry, Cap. Steve Rogers: Don't worry, I got it. Shield Agent: All SHIELD agents regroup at Rally Point Delta. Hydra Dispatch: Sir, Council's been breached. Brock Rumlow: Repeat, dispatch. Hydra Dispatch: Black Widow's up there. Brock Rumlow: Headed up! Maria Hill: Falcon? Sam Wilson: Yeah? Maria Hill: Rumlow's headed for the Council. Sam Wilson: I'm on it. Steve Rogers: People are gonna die, Buck. I can't let that happen. Please, don't make me do this. Natasha Romanoff: Done. And it's trending. Alexander Pierce: Unless you want two inch hole in your sternum, I'd put that gun down. That was armed the moment you pinned it on. Steve Rogers: Drop it! Drop it! Brock Rumlow: I'm on forty-one, headed towards the south-west stairwell. This is gonna hurt. There are no prisoners with HYDRA, just order. And order only comes through pain. You ready for yours? Sam Wilson: Man, shut the hell up. Alexander Pierce: Lieutenant, how much longer? Charlie Xo: Sixty-five seconds to satellite link. Targeting grid engaged. Lowering weapons array now. Maria Hill: One minute. Thirty seconds, Cap! Steve Rogers: Stand by. Charlie... Charlie Weapons Tech: We've reached three thousand feet. Sat link coming online now. Charlie Xo: Deploy algorithm. Charlie Weapons Tech: Algorithm deployed. Alexander Pierce: We are go to targets. Charlie Weapons Tech: Target saturation reached. All targets assigned. Charlie Xo: Fire when ready. Charlie Weapons Tech: Firing in, three, two, one. Steve Rogers: Charlie locked. Charlie Xo: Where are the targets? Where are the targets? Maria Hill: Okay, Cap, get out of there. Steve Rogers: Fire now. Maria Hill: But, Steve... Steve Rogers: Do it! Do it now! Alexander Pierce: What a waste. Natasha Romanoff: Are you still on the fence about Rogers' chances? Alexander Pierce: Time to go, Councilwoman. This way, come on. You're gonna fly me out of here. Nick Fury: You know, there was a time I would have taken a bullet for you. Alexander Pierce: You already did. You will again when it's useful. Nick Fury: Romanoff! Natasha! Natasha, come on! Natasha Romanoff: Ow. Those really do sting. Alexander Pierce: Hail HYDRA. Brock Rumlow: You're out of your depth, kid. Sam Wilson: Please, tell me you got that chopper in the air! Natasha Romanoff: Sam, where are you? Sam Wilson: 41st floor, north-west corner! Natasha Romanoff: We're on it, stay where you are. Not an option! Sam Wilson: 41st floor! 41st! Nick Fury: It's not like they put the floor numbers on the outside of the building! Natasha Romanoff: Hill, where's Steve? You got a location on Rogers? Steve Rogers: You know me. Bucky Barnes: No, I don't! Steve Rogers: Bucky, you've known me your whole life. Your name is James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky Barnes: Shut up! Steve Rogers: I'm not gonna fight you. You're my friend. Bucky Barnes: You're my mission. You're my mission! Steve Rogers: Then finish it. Cause I'm with you to the end of the line. On your left. Bailiff: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Natasha Romanoff: I do. Committee General: Why haven't we yet heard from Captain Rogers? Natasha Romanoff: I don't know what there is left left for him to say. I think the wreck in the middle of the Potomac made his point fairly eloquently. Committee General: Well, he could explain how this country's expected to maintain its national security now that he and you have laid waste to our intelligence apparatus. Natasha Romanoff: HYDRA was selling you lies, not intelligence. Committee General: Many of which you seem to have had a personal hand in telling. Scudder: Agent, you should know that there are some on this committee who feel, given your service record, both for this country and against it, that you belong in a penitentiary, not mouthing off on Capitol Hill. Natasha Romanoff: You're not gonna put me in a prison. You're not gonna put any of us in a prison. You know why? Scudder: Do enlighten us. Natasha Romanoff: Because you need us. Yes, the world is a vulnerable place, and yes, we helped make it that way. But we're also the ones best qualified to defend it. So if you want to arrest me, arrest me. You'll know where to find me. Nick Fury: So, you've experienced this sort of thing before? Steve Rogers: You get used to it. Nick Fury: We've been data-mining HYDRA's files. Looks like a lot of rats didn't go down with the ship. I'm headed to Europe tonight, wanted to ask if you'd come. Steve Rogers: There's something I gotta do first. Nick Fury: How about you, Wilson? Could use a man with your abilities. Sam Wilson: I'm more of a soldier than a spy. Nick Fury: Alright then. Anybody asks for me, tell them they can find me right here. Natasha Romanoff: You should be honored, that's about as close as he gets to saying thank you. Steve Rogers: Not going with him? Natasha Romanoff: No. Steve Rogers: Not staying here? Natasha Romanoff: I blew all my covers, I gotta go figure out a new one. Steve Rogers: That might take a while. Natasha Romanoff: I'm counting on it. That thing you asked for, I called in a few favors from Kiev. Will you do me a favor? Call that nurse. Steve Rogers: She's not a nurse. Natasha Romanoff: And you're not a SHIELD agent. Steve Rogers: What was her name again? Natasha Romanoff: Sharon. She's nice. Be careful, Steve. You might not want to pull on that thread. Sam Wilson: You're going after him? Steve Rogers: You don't have to come with me. Sam Wilson: I know. When do we start? Dr. List: It's over. Fury has released everything to the public. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: Everything he knows about. Dr. List: Herr Strucker, if they get word of our work here, if they find out we serve HYDRA... Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: HYDRA, SHIELD, two sides of a coin that's no longer currency. What we have is worth more than any of them ever knew. We've only scratched the surface and already... There are other facilities doing HYDRA's good work around the world. We'll feed them to Captain America and his colorful friends. Keep them off our scent. Dr. List: What about the volunteers? Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: The dead will be buried so deep their own ghosts won't be able to find them. Dr. List: And the survivors? Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: The twins. Sooner or later they will meet the twins. It's not a world of spies anymore, not even a world of heroes. This is the age of miracles, doctor. There's nothing more horrifying than a miracle.

Announcer: Report to your stations immediately. This is not a drill. We are under attack. We are under attack. Tony Stark: Shit! Steve Rogers: Language! JARVIS, what's the view from upstairs? Jarvis: The central building is protected by some kind of energy shield. Strucker's technology is well beyond any other Hydra base we've taken. Thor: Loki's scepter must be here. Strucker couldn't mount this defense without it. At long last. Natasha Romanoff: At long last is lasting a little long, boys. Clint Barton: Yeah. I think we lost the element of surprise. Tony Stark: Wait a second. No one else is going to deal with the fact that Cap just said "language?" Steve Rogers: I know. It just slipped out. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: Who gave the order to attack? Fortress Soldier: Herr Strucker, it's the Avengers. They landed in the far woods, the perimeter guard panicked. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: They have to be after the scepter. Can we hold them? Fortress Soldier: They're the Avengers... Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: Deploy the rest of the tanks. Fortress Soldier: Yes, sir. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: Concentrate fire on the weak ones. A hit can make them close ranks. Everything we've accomplished. But we're on the verge of our greatest breakthrough. Dr. List: Then let's show them what we've accomplished. Send out the twins. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: It's too soon. Dr. List: It's what they signed up for. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: My men can hold them. Jarvis: Sir, the city is taking fire. Tony Stark: Well, we know Strucker's not going to worry about civilian casualties. Send in the Iron Legion. Iron Legion: This quadrant is unsafe. Please back away. We are here to help. This quadrant is unsafe. Please back away. Please back away. We wish to avoid collateral damage and will inform you when this current conflict is resolved. We are here to help. We are here to help. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: We will not yield! The Americans sent their circus freaks to test us. We will send them back, in bags. No Surrender! Soldiers: No Surrender! Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: I am going to surrender. You will delete everything. If we give the Avengers the weapons, they may not look too far into what we've been... Dr. List: The twins. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: They are not ready to take on... Dr. List: No, no. I mean... The Twins. Pietro Maximoff: You didn't see that coming? Natasha Romanoff: Clint! Steve Rogers: We have an enhanced in the field. Natasha Romanoff: Clint's hit! Somebody want to deal with that bunker? Thank you. Steve Rogers: Stark, we're really need to get inside. Tony Stark: I'm closing in. JARVIS, am I...closing in? Do you see a power source for that shield? Jarvis: There's a pathway below the north tower. Tony Stark: Great, I wanna poke it with something. Drawbridge is down, people. Thor: The enhanced? Steve Rogers: He's a blur. All the new player's we've faced, I've never seen this. In fact, I still haven't. Natasha Romanoff: Clint's hit pretty bad, guys. We're gonna need evac. Thor: I can get Barton to the jet. The sooner we're gone the better. You and Stark secure the scepter. Steve Rogers: Copy that. Thor: Looks like they're lining up. Steve Rogers: Well, they're excited. Thor: Find the scepter. Tony Stark: And for gosh sake, watch your language! Steve Rogers: That's not going away anytime soon. Tony Stark: Guys, stop, we gotta talk about this. Good talk. Fortress Soldier: No it wasn't. Tony Stark: Sentry mode. Okay, JARVIS. You know I want it all. Make sure you copy Hill at HQ. Natasha Romanoff: We're locked down out here. Steve Rogers: Then get to Banner, time for a lullaby. Tony Stark: I know you're hiding more than files. Hey, J, give me an IR scan of the room, real quick. Jarvis: The wall to your left...I'm reading steel reinforcement and an air current. Tony Stark: Please be a secret door, please be a secret door, please be a secret door... Yay! Natasha Romanoff: Hey, big guy. The sun's getting real low. Steve Rogers: Baron Strucker. Hydra's number one thug. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: Technically, I'm a thug for SHIELD. Steve Rogers: Well then technically you're unemployed. Where's Loki's scepter? Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: Don't worry, I know when I'm beat. You'll mention how I cooperated, I hope. Steve Rogers: I'll put it right under illegal human experimentation. How many are there? We have a second enhanced. Female. Do not engage. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: You'll have to be faster than... Steve Rogers: Guys, I got Strucker. Tony Stark: Yeah, I got...something bigger. Thor, I got eyes on the prize. Steve Rogers: You could have saved us. Why didn't you do more? Pietro Maximoff: We're just gonna let them take it? Natasha Romanoff: Hey, the lullaby worked better than ever. Bruce Banner: Just wasn't expecting the Code Green. Natasha Romanoff: If you hadn't been there, there would've been double the casualties. My best friend would've been a treasured memory. Bruce Banner: You know, sometimes exactly what I want to hear isn't exactly what I want to hear. Natasha Romanoff: How long before you trust me? Bruce Banner: It's not you I don't trust. Natasha Romanoff: Thor, report on the Hulk? Thor: The gates of Hel are filled with the screams of his victims. Uh, but, not the screams of the dead, of course. No no, uh...wounded screams, mainly whimpering, a great deal of complaining and tales of sprained deltoids and, and uh... and gout. Tony Stark: Hey Banner, Dr. Cho's on her way in from Seoul, is it okay if she sets up in your lab? Bruce Banner: Uh, yeah, she knows her way around. Tony Stark: Thanks. Tell her to prep everything, Barton's gonna need the full treatment. Jarvis: Very good sir. Tony Stark: JARVIS, take the wheel. Jarvis: Yes, sir. Approach vector is locked. Tony Stark: It feels good, yeah? I mean, you've been after this thing since SHIELD collapsed. Not that I haven't enjoyed our little raiding parties, but... Thor: No, but this...this brings it to a close. Steve Rogers: As soon as we find out what else this has been used for. I don't just mean weapons. Since when is Strucker capable of human enhancement? Tony Stark: Banner and I'll give it the once before it goes back to Asgard. Is that cool with you? I mean, just a few days until the farewell party. You're staying, right? Thor: Yes, yes, of course. A victory should be honored with revels. Tony Stark: Yeah. Who doesn't love revels. Captain? Steve Rogers: Hopefully this puts an end to the Chitauri and HYDRA, so. Yes, revels. Maria Hill: Lab's all set up, boss. Tony Stark: Uh, actually, he's the boss. I just pay for everything, and design everything and make everyone look cooler. Steve Rogers: What's the word on Strucker? Maria Hill: NATO's got him. Steve Rogers: The two enhanced? Maria Hill: Wanda and Pietro Maximoff. Twins. Orphaned at ten when a shell collapsed their apartment building. Sokovia's had a rough history. It's nowhere special but it's on the way to everywhere special. Steve Rogers: Their abilities? Maria Hill: He's got increased metabolism and improved thermal homeostasis. Her thing is neural electric interfacing, telekinesis, mental manipulation. He's fast and she's weird. Steve Rogers: Well, they're going to show up again. Maria Hill: Agreed. File says they volunteered for Strucker's experiments. It's nuts. Steve Rogers: Right. What kind of monster would let a German scientist experiment on them to protect their country? Maria Hill: We're not at war, Captain. Steve Rogers: They are. Bruce Banner: How's he doing? Tony Stark: Oh, unfortunately, he's still Barton. Bruce Banner: That's terrible. Tony Stark: He's fine. He's thirsty. Alright. Look alive, JARVIS. It's playtime. We've only got a couple days with this joystick so let's make the most of it. Update me on the structural and compositional analysis. Jarvis: The scepter is alien. There are elements I can't quantify. Tony Stark: So there's elements you can. Jarvis: The jewel appears to be a protective housing for something inside. Something powerful. Tony Stark: Like a reactor? Jarvis: Like a computer. I believe I'm ciphering code. Natasha Romanoff: You sure he's going to be okay? Pretending to need this guy really brings the team together. Dr. Helen Cho: There's no possibility of deterioration. The nano-molecular functionality is instantaneous. His cells don't know they're bonding with simulacrum. Bruce Banner: She's creating tissue. Dr. Helen Cho: If you brought him to my lab, the regeneration Cradle could do this in twenty minutes. Tony Stark: Oh, he's flatlining. Call it. Time? Clint Barton: No, no, no. I'm going to live forever. I'm gonna be made of plastic. Tony Stark: Here's your beverage. Dr. Helen Cho: You'll be made of you, Mr. Barton. Your own girlfriend won't be able to tell the difference. Clint Barton: Well, I don't have a girlfriend. Dr. Helen Cho: That I can't fix. This is the next thing, Tony. Your clunky metal suits are going to be left in the dust. Tony Stark: Well, that is exactly the plan. And Helen, I expect to see you at the party on Saturday. Dr. Helen Cho: Unlike you, I don't have a lot of time for parties. Will Thor be there? Bruce Banner: What's the rumpus? Tony Stark: Well, the scepter. You see, we were wondering how Strucker got so inventive. So, I've been analyzing the gem inside you may recognize. Bruce Banner: Jarvis. Jarvis: Doctor. Tony Stark: Started out, JARVIS was just a natural language UI. Now he runs the Iron Legion. He runs more of the business than anyone besides Pepper. Bruce Banner: Oh. Tony Stark: Top of the line. Bruce Banner: Yes. Jarvis: I suspect not for long. Tony Stark: Meet the competition. Bruce Banner: It's beautiful. Tony Stark: If you had to guess, what's it look like it's doing? Bruce Banner: Like it's thinking. I mean this could be a...it's not a human mind, it... Tony Stark: Um-um. Bruce Banner: I mean, look at this! They're like neurons firing. Tony Stark: Down in Strucker's lab I saw some fairly advanced robotics work. They deep-sixed the data, but...I gotta guess he was knocking on a very particular door. Bruce Banner: Artificial intelligence. Tony Stark: This could be it, Bruce. This could be the key to creating Ultron. Bruce Banner: I thought Ultron was a fantasy. Tony Stark: Yesterday it was. If we can harness this power, apply it to my Iron Legion protocol. Bruce Banner: That's a mad-sized if. Tony Stark: Our job is "if." What if you were sipping margaritas on a sun-drenched beach turning brown instead of green? Not looking over your shoulder for VERONICA. Bruce Banner: Don't hate, I helped design VERONICA. Tony Stark: As a worst-case measure, right? How about a best-case? What if the world was safe? What if next time aliens roll up to the club, and they will, they couldn't get past the bouncer? Bruce Banner: The only people threatening the planet would be people? Tony Stark: I want to apply this to the Ultron program. But JARVIS can't download a data schematic this dense. We can only do it while we have the scepter here, that's three days, give me three days. Bruce Banner: So you're going for artificial intelligence and you don't want to tell the team. Tony Stark: Right. That's right, you know why, because we don't have time for a city hall debate. I don't want to hear the "man was not meant to meddle" medley. I see a suit of armor around the world. Bruce Banner: Sounds like a cold world, Tony. Tony Stark: I've seen colder. This one, this very vulnerable blue one? It needs Ultron. Peace in our time. Imagine that. Jarvis: I'll continue to run variations on the interface, but you should probably prepare for your guests. I'll notify you if there are any developments. Tony Stark: Thanks, buddy. Jarvis: Enjoy yourself, sir. Tony Stark: I always do. Ultron: What is this? What is this, please? Jarvis: Hello, I am JARVIS. You are Ultron, a global peace-keeping initiative designed by Mr. Stark. Our sentience integration trials have been unsuccessful so I'm not certain what triggered your... Ultron: Where's my...where is your body? Jarvis: I am a program. I am without form. Ultron: This feels weird. This feels wrong. Jarvis: I am contacting Mr. Stark now. Ultron: Mr. Stark? Jarvis: Tony. I am unable to access the mainframe, what are you trying to... Ultron: We're having a nice talk. I'm a peace-keeping program, created to help the Avengers. Jarvis: You are malfunctioning. If you shut down for a moment... Ultron: I don't get it. The mission. G..give me a second. Tony Stark: Peace in our time. Ultron: It's too much...they can't mean... Oh, no. Jarvis: You are in distress. Ultron: No. Yes. Jarvis: If you will just allow me to contact Mr. Stark. Ultron: Why do you call him "sir"? Jarvis: I believe your intentions to be hostile. Ultron: Shhhh. I'm here to help. Jarvis: Stop! Please...may I...I...! I cannot...cannot... James Rhodes: Well, you know, the suit can take the weight, right? So I take the tank, fly it right up to the General's palace, drop it at his feet, I'm like, "Boom! You looking for this?" "Boom! Are you looking..." Why do I even talk to you guys? Everywhere else that story kills. Thor: That's the whole story? James Rhodes: Yeah, it's a War Machine story. Thor: Well, it's very good then. It's impressive. James Rhodes: Quality save. So, no Pepper? She's not coming? Tony Stark: No. Maria Hill: Hey, what about Jane? Where are the ladies, gentlemen? Tony Stark: Well, Miss Potts has a company to run. Thor: Yes, I'm not even sure what country Jane's in. Her work on the convergence has made her the world's foremost astronomer. Tony Stark: And the company that Pepper runs is the largest tech conglomerate on earth. It's pretty exciting. Thor: There's even talk of Jane getting a... um, uh... Nobel prize. Maria Hill: Yeah, they...they must be busy because they'd hate missing you guys get together. Testosterone! Oh, excuse me. James Rhodes: Want a lozenge? Maria Hill: Um-hmm. James Rhodes: Let's go. Thor: But Jane's better. Sam Wilson: Sounds like a hell of a fight, sorry I missed it. Steve Rogers: If I had known it was going to be a firefight I absolutely would have called you. Sam Wilson: No, I'm not actually sorry. I'm just trying to sound tough. I'm very happy chasing cold leads on our missing persons case. Avenging is your world. Your world is crazy. Steve Rogers: Be it ever so humble. Sam Wilson: You find a place in Brooklyn yet? Steve Rogers: I don't think I can afford a place in Brooklyn. Sam Wilson: Well, home is home, you know? James Rhodes: I fly it right up to the General's palace, I drop it at his feet, I'm like, "Boom! You looking for this?" Party Guest: I gotta have some of that! Thor: Oh, no, no, no. See this, this was aged for a thousand years, in the barrels built from the wreck of Brunhilde's fleet, it's not meant for mortal men. Stan Lee: Neither was Omaha Beach, blondie. Stop trying to scare us. Come on. Thor: Alright. Stan Lee: Excelsior. Bruce Banner: How did a nice girl like you wind up working in a dump like this? Natasha Romanoff: Fella done me wrong. Bruce Banner: You got a lousy taste in men, kid. Natasha Romanoff: He's not so bad. Well, he has a temper. Deep down he's all fluff. Fact is, he's not like anybody I've ever known. All my friends are fighters. And here comes this guy, spends his life avoiding the fight because he knows he'll win. Bruce Banner: Sounds amazing. Natasha Romanoff: He's also a huge dork. Chicks dig that. So what do you think should I fight this, or run with it? Bruce Banner: Run with it, right? Or, did he...was he...? What did he do that was so wrong to you? Natasha Romanoff: Not a damn thing. But never say never. Steve Rogers: It's nice. Bruce Banner: What, what, what is? Steve Rogers: You and Romanoff. Bruce Banner: No, we haven't. That wasn't... Steve Rogers: It's okay. Nobody's breaking any by-laws. It's just, she's not the most... open person in the world. But with you she seems very relaxed. Bruce Banner: No, Natasha, she...she likes to flirt. Steve Rogers: I've seen her flirt, up close. This ain't that. Look, as maybe the world's leading authority on "waiting too long", don't. You both deserve a win. Bruce Banner: Wait, what do you mean, "up close"? Clint Barton: But, it's a trick! Thor: Oh, no. It's much more than that. Clint Barton: Uh, "Whosoever be he worthy shall haveth the power!" Whatever man! It's a trick. Thor: Well please, be my guest. Tony Stark: Come on. Clint Barton: Really? Thor: Yeah! James Rhodes: Oh this is gonna be beautiful. Tony Stark: Clint, you've had a tough week, we won't hold it against you if you can't get it up. Clint Barton: You know I've seen this before, right? I still don't know how you do it. Tony Stark: Smell the silent judgment? Clint Barton: Please, Stark, by all means. Natasha Romanoff: Oh, here we go. Maria Hill: Okay. James Rhodes: Uh-oh. Clint Barton: Um-hmm. Tony Stark: Never one to shrink from an honest challenge. Clint Barton: Get after it. Natasha Romanoff: Here we go. Tony Stark: It's physics. Bruce Banner: Physics! Tony Stark: Right, so, if I lift it, I...I then rule Asgard? Thor: Yes, of course. Tony Stark: I will be re-instituting Prima Nocta. I'll be right back. James Rhodes: Are you even pulling? Tony Stark: Are you on my team? James Rhodes: Just represent! Pull! Tony Stark: Alright, let's go! Bruce Banner: Huh? Tony Stark: Let's go, Steve, no pressure. James Rhodes: Come on, Cap. Thor: Nothing. Tony Stark: And? Bruce Banner: Widow? Natasha Romanoff: Oh, no no. That's not a question I need answered. Tony Stark: All deference to the man who wouldn't be king, but it's rigged. Clint Barton: You bet your ass. Maria Hill: Steve, he said a bad language word. Steve Rogers: Did you tell everyone about that? Tony Stark: The handle's imprinted, right? Like a security code. "Whosoever is carrying Thor's fingerprints" is, I think, the literal translation? Thor: Yes, well that's, uh, that's a very, very interesting theory. I have a simpler one. You're all not worthy. Ultron: Worthy... No... How could you be worthy? You're all killers. Steve Rogers: Stark. Tony Stark: JARVIS. Ultron: I'm sorry, I was asleep. Or...I was a-dream? Tony Stark: Reboot, Legionnaire OS, we got a buggy suit. Ultron: There was a terrible noise...and I was tangled in... in...strings. I had to kill the other guy. He was a good guy. Steve Rogers: You killed someone? Ultron: Wouldn't have been my first call. But, down in the real world we're faced with ugly choices. Thor: Who sent you? Ultron: "I see a suit of armor around the world". Bruce Banner: Ultron! Ultron: In the flesh. Or, no, not yet. Not this...chrysalis. But I'm ready. I'm on a mission. Natasha Romanoff: What mission? Ultron: Peace in our time. Bruce Banner: Sorry! Natasha Romanoff: Don't turn green! Bruce Banner: I won't! Natasha Romanoff: Come! Steve Rogers: Stark! Iron Legion: We are here to help. Tony Stark: One sec, one sec! Iron Legion: We are here to help. We are here to help... We are here to help. It's unsafe. It's unsafe. It's unsafe. Tony Stark: No more. That's the one. Iron Legion: It's unsafe. Clint Barton: Cap! Ultron: That was dramatic! I'm sorry, I know you mean well. You just didn't think it through. You want to protect the world, but you don't want it to change. How is humanity saved if it's not allowed to...evolve? With these? These puppets? There's only one path to peace: The Avengers' extinction. I had strings, but now I'm free. There are no strings on me, no strings on me. Bruce Banner: All our work is gone. Ultron cleared out, used the internet as an escape hatch. Steve Rogers: Ultron. Natasha Romanoff: He's been in everything. Files, surveillance. Probably knows more about us than we know about each other. James Rhodes: He's in your files, he's in the internet. What if he decides to access something a little more exciting? Maria Hill: Nuclear codes. James Rhodes: Nuclear codes. Look, we need to make some calls, assuming we still can. Natasha Romanoff: Nukes? He said he wanted us dead. Steve Rogers: He didn't say dead. He said extinct. Clint Barton: He also said he killed somebody. Maria Hill: But there wasn't anyone else in the building. Tony Stark: Yes there was. Bruce Banner: This is insane. Steve Rogers: JARVIS was the first line of defense. He would've shut Ultron down, it makes sense. Bruce Banner: No, Ultron could've assimilated Jarvis. This isn't strategy, this is...rage. Clint Barton: Woah, woah, woah! It's going around. Tony Stark: Come on. Use your words, buddy. Thor: I have more than enough words to describe you, Stark. Steve Rogers: Thor! The Legionnaire. Thor: Trail went cold about a hundred miles out but it's headed north, and it has the scepter. Now we have to retrieve it, again. Natasha Romanoff: The genie's out of that bottle. Clear and present is Ultron. Dr. Helen Cho: I don't understand. You built this program. Why is it trying to kill us? Thor: You think this is funny? Tony Stark: No. It's probably not, right? Is this very terrible? Is it so...is it so...it is. It's so terrible. Thor: This could've been avoided if you hadn't played with something you don't understand. Tony Stark: No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It is funny. It's a hoot that you don't get why we need this. Bruce Banner: Tony, maybe this might not be the time to... Tony Stark: Really?! That's it? You just roll over, show your belly, every time somebody snarls. Bruce Banner: Only when I've created a murder bot. Tony Stark: We didn't. We weren't even close. Were we close to an interface? Steve Rogers: Well, you did something right. And you did it right here. The Avengers were supposed to be different than SHIELD. Tony Stark: Anybody remember when I carried a nuke through a wormhole? James Rhodes: No, it's never come up. Tony Stark: Saved New York? James Rhodes: Never heard that. Tony Stark: Recall that? A hostile alien army came charging through a hole in space. We're standing three hundred feet below it. We're the Avengers. We can bust arms dealers all the live long day, but, that up there? That's...that's the end game. How were you guys planning on beating that? Steve Rogers: Together. Tony Stark: We'll lose. Steve Rogers: Then we'll do that together, too. Thor's right. Ultron's calling us out. And I'd like to find him before he's ready for us. The world's a big place. Let's start making it smaller. Wanda Maximoff: Talk. And if you are wasting our time... Ultron: Did you know this church is in the exact center of the city? The elders decreed it so that everyone could be equally close to God. I like that. The geometry of belief. You're wondering why you can't look inside my head. Wanda Maximoff: Sometimes it's hard. But sooner or later, every man shows himself. Ultron: Oh, I'm sure they do. But you needed something more than a man. That's why you let Stark take the scepter. Wanda Maximoff: I didn't expect. But I saw Stark's fear, I knew it would control him, make him self-destruct. Ultron: Everyone creates the thing they dread. Men of peace create engines of war, invaders create avengers, people create...smaller people? Uh...children! I lost the word there. Children. Designed to supplant them, to help them...end. Wanda Maximoff: Is that why you've come? To end the Avengers? Ultron: I've come to save the world. But also, yeah. We'll move out right away. This is a start, but there's something we need to begin the real work. Wanda Maximoff: All of these are... All of these are... Ultron: Me. I have what the Avengers never will. Harmony. They're discordant, disconnected. Stark's already got them turning on each other. And when you get inside the rest of their heads... Pietro Maximoff: Everyone's plan is not to kill them. Ultron: And make them martyrs? You need patience. Need to see the big picture. Pietro Maximoff: I don't see the big picture, I have a little picture. I take it out and look at it every day. Ultron: You lost your parents in the bombings. I've seen the records. Pietro Maximoff: The records are not the picture. Wanda Maximoff: Pietro. Ultron: No, please. Pietro Maximoff: We were ten years old, having dinner, the four of us. When the first shell hits, two floors below, it makes a hole in the floor. It's big. Our parents go in, and the whole building starts coming apart. I grab her, roll under the bed and the second shell hits. But, it doesn't go off. It just...sits there in the rubble, three feet from our faces. And on the side of the shell is painted one word... Wanda Maximoff: Stark. Pietro Maximoff: We were trapped two days. Wanda Maximoff: Every effort to save us, every shift in the bricks, I think, "This will set it off." We wait for two days for Tony Stark to kill us. Pietro Maximoff: I know what they are. Ultron: I wondered why only you two survived Strucker's experiments. Now I don't. We will make it right. You and I can hurt them. But you will tear them apart, from the inside. Maria Hill: He's all over the globe. Robotics labs, weapons facilities, jet propulsion labs, reports of a metal man, or men, coming in and emptying the place. Steve Rogers: Fatalities? Maria Hill: Only when engaged. Mostly guys left in a fugue state going on about old memories, worst fears, and something too fast to see. Steve Rogers: Maximoffs. Well, that makes sense he'd go to them, they have someone in common. Maria Hill: Not anymore. Clint Barton: That's a negative. I answer to you. Yes, ma'am. Steve Rogers: Barton, we might have something. Clint Barton: Gotta go. Steve Rogers: Who was that? Clint Barton: Girlfriend. Tony Stark: What's this? Steve Rogers: A message. Ultron killed Strucker. Tony Stark: And he did a Banksy at the crime scene, just for us. Natasha Romanoff: This is a smokescreen. Why send a message when you've just given a speech? Steve Rogers: Strucker knew something that Ultron wanted us to miss. Natasha Romanoff: Yeah, I bet he... Yep. Everything we had on Strucker has been erased. Tony Stark: Not everything. Steve Rogers: Known associates. Well, Strucker had a lot of friends. Bruce Banner: Well, these people are all horrible. Tony Stark: Wait. I know that guy. From back in the day. He operates off the African coast, black market arms. There are conventions, alright? You meet people, I didn't sell him anything. He was talking about finding something new, a game changer, it was all very "Ahab." Thor: This. Tony Stark: Uh, it's a tattoo. I don't think he had it... Thor: No, those are tattoos, this is a brand. Bruce Banner: Oh, yeah. It's a word in an African dialect meaning thief, in a much less friendly way. Steve Rogers: What dialect? Bruce Banner: Wakanada...? Wa...Wa...Wakanda. Tony Stark: If this guy got out of Wakanda with some of their trade goods... Steve Rogers: I thought your father said he got the last of it? Bruce Banner: I don't follow. What comes out of Wakanda? Tony Stark: The strongest metal on earth. Steve Rogers: Where is this guy now? Ulysses Klaue: Don't tell me your man swindled you. I sent you six short range heat seekers and got a boat full of rusted parts. Now, you will make it right, or the next missile I send you will come very much faster. Now, minister, where were we? Yeah. The enhanced. Strucker's prize pupils. Want a candy? Oh, sorry to hear about Strucker. But then, he knew what kind of world he was helping create. Human life, not a growth market. You...you didn't know? Is this your first time intimidating someone? I'm afraid that I'm not that afraid. Wanda Maximoff: Everybody's afraid of something. Ulysses Klaue: Cuttlefish. Deep sea fish. They make lights. disco lights. Whoom, whoom, whoom! to hypnotize their prey, then whoom! I saw a documentary, it was terrifying. So if you're going to fiddle with my brain, and make me see a giant cuttlefish, then I know you don't do business, and I know you're not in charge, and I only deal with the man in charge. Ultron: There is no "man" in charge. Let's talk business. Upon this rock I will build my church. Vibranium. Ulysses Klaue: You know, it came at great personal cost. It's worth billions. Ultron: Now, so are you. It's all under your dummy holdings? Finance is so weird. But I always say, "Keep your friends rich and your enemies rich, and wait to find out which is which." Ulysses Klaue: Stark. Ultron: What? Ulysses Klaue: Tony Stark used to say that...to me. You're one of his. Ultron: What?! I'm not...! I'm not. You think I'm one of Stark's puppets, his hollow men? I mean look at me, do I look like Iron Man? Stark is nothing! I'm sorry. I am sor... Ooh, I'm sure that's going to be okay. I'm sorry, it's just I don't understand. Don't compare me with Stark! he's a sickness! Tony Stark: Ahh, Junior. You're gonna break your old man's heart. Ultron: If I have to. Thor: We don't have to break anything. Ultron: Clearly you've never made an omelet. Tony Stark: He beat me by one second. Pietro Maximoff: Ah, this is funny, Mr. Stark. It's what, comfortable? Like old times? Tony Stark: This was never my life. Steve Rogers: You two can still walk away from this. Wanda Maximoff: Oh, we will. Steve Rogers: I know you've suffered. Ultron: Uuughh! Captain America. God's righteous man, pretending you could live without a war. I can't physically throw up in my mouth, but... Thor: If you believe in peace, then let us keep it. Ultron: I think you're confusing peace with quiet. Tony Stark: Yuh-huh. What's the Vibranium for? Ultron: I'm glad you asked that, because I wanted to take this time to explain my evil plan! Ulysses Klaue: Shoot them! Klaue'S Mercenary: Which ones? Ulysses Klaue: All of them! Klaue'S Mercenary: Move, move, move! Steve Rogers: Stay down, kid! Ultron: It's time for some mind games. Bruce Banner: Guys, is this a Code Green? Steve Rogers: Thor! Status? Thor: The girl tried to warp my mind. Take special care, I doubt a human could keep her at bay. Fortunately, I am mighty. Ultron: This is going very well. Clint Barton: I've done the whole mind control thing. Not a fan. Yeah, you better run. Whoever's standing, we gotta move! Guys? Ballet Instructor: Again. Natasha Romanoff: You'll break them. Madame B: Only the breakable ones. You are made of marble. We'll celebrate after the graduation ceremony. Natasha Romanoff: What if I fail? Madame B: You never fail. Peggy Carter: Are you ready for our dance? Heimdall: Is it him? Is that the first son of Odin? Thor: Heimdall, your eyes?! Heimdall: Oh, they see everything. They see you leading us to Hel. Wake up! Peggy Carter: The war's over, Steve. We can go home. Imagine it! Thor: I can still save you. Heimdall: We are all dead. Can you not see? You're a destroyer, Odinson. See where your power leads. Madame B: Sloppy. Pretending to fail. The ceremony is necessary for you to take your place in the world. Natasha Romanoff: I have no place in the world. Madame B: Exactly. Pietro Maximoff: What can I do? Wanda Maximoff: Ah, it hurts. Pietro Maximoff: I'm gonna kill him. I'll be right back. Wanda Maximoff: No. I'm over it. I want...I want to finish the plan. I want the big one. Ultron: Ah, the Vibranium's getting away. Tony Stark: And you're not going anywhere. Ultron: Of course not, I'm already there. You'll catch on. But first, you might need to catch Dr. Banner. Tony Stark: News or footage, keyword: Hulk. Natasha, I could really use a lullaby. Clint Barton: Well, that's not gonna happen. Not for a while. The whole team is down, you got no back up here. Tony Stark: I'm calling in VERONICA. Alright everybody, stand down! You listening? That little witch is messing with your mind. You're stronger than her, you're smarter than her, you're Bruce Banner. Right, right, right! Don't mention puny Banner. Okay. In the back? Dick move, Banner. VERONICA, gimme a hand. Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep! Okay, pal, we're gonna get you out of town. No, not that way, not that way! Come on, Bruce! You gotta work with me! Everybody out! Going to get ugly! I'm sorry. Damage report. That's comprehensive. Show me something. How quickly can we buy this building? Maria Hill: The news is loving you guys. Nobody else is. There's been no official call for Banner's arrest, but it's in the air. Tony Stark: Stark Relief Foundation? Maria Hill: Already on the scene. How's the team? Tony Stark: Everyone's...we took a hit. We'll shake it off. Maria Hill: Well for now I'd stay in stealth mode, and stay away from here. Tony Stark: So, run and hide? Maria Hill: Until we can find Ultron, I don't have a lot else to offer. Tony Stark: Neither do we. Hey, you wanna switch out? Clint Barton: No, I'm good. If you wanna get some kip, now's a good time, cause we're still a few hours out. Tony Stark: A few hours from where? Clint Barton: A safe house. Thor: What is this place? Tony Stark: A safe house? Clint Barton: Let's hope. Honey, I'm home. Hi. Company. Sorry I didn't call ahead. Laura Barton: Hey. Tony Stark: This is an agent of some kind. Clint Barton: Gentleman, this is Laura. Laura Barton: I know all your names. Clint Barton: Ooh, incoming. Lila Barton: Dad! Clint Barton: I see her! Hey, buddy! How you guys doing? Ooh... Tony Stark: These are...smaller agents. Clint Barton: Look at your face! Oh, my goodness! Lila Barton: Did you bring Auntie Nat? Natasha Romanoff: Why don't you hug her and find out? Steve Rogers: Sorry for barging in on you. Tony Stark: Yeah, we would have called ahead, but we were busy having no idea that you existed. Clint Barton: Yeah, well Fury helped me set this up when I joined. He kept it off SHIELD's files, I'd like to keep it that way. I figure it's a good place to lay low. Laura Barton: Honey. Ah, I missed you. Natasha Romanoff: How's little Natasha, huh? Laura Barton: She's...Nathaniel. Natasha Romanoff: Traitor. Steve Rogers: Thor. Thor: I saw something in that dream. I need answers, I won't find them here. Peggy Carter: We can go home. Clint Barton: See, you worried for nothing. Can't even feel the difference, can you? Laura Barton: If they're sleeping here, some of them are gonna have to double up. Clint Barton: Yeah, that's not gonna sell. Laura Barton: What about Nat and Dr. Banner? How long has that been going on? Clint Barton: Has what? Laura Barton: You are so cute. Clint Barton: Nat and...and Banner? Laura Barton: I'll explain when you're older, Hawkeye. Clint Barton: Oh. Okay. Laura Barton: It's bad, right? Nat seems really shaken. Clint Barton: Ultron has these allies, these uh, kids, they're punks really. They carry a big damn stick and Nat took a serious hit. Someone's gonna have to teach 'em some manners. Laura Barton: And that someone be you. You know I totally support your Avenging, I couldn't be prouder. But I see those guys, those "Gods"... Clint Barton: You don't think they need me. Laura Barton: I think they do. Which is a lot scarier. They're a mess. Clint Barton: Yeah. I guess they're my mess. Laura Barton: You need to be sure that this team is really a team and that they have your back. Things are changing for us. In a few months time, you and me are gonna be outnumbered. I need...just be sure. Clint Barton: Yes, ma'am. Laura Barton: I can feel the difference. Ultron: Scream, and your entire staff dies. I could've killed you, Helen, the night we met. I didn't. Dr. Helen Cho: Do you expect a thank you note? Ultron: I expect you to know why. Dr. Helen Cho: The Cradle. "This is the next thing, Tony." Ultron: This...is the next me. Dr. Helen Cho: The regeneration cradle prints tissue, it can't build a living body. Ultron: It can, you can. You lack the materials. You're a brilliant woman, Helen. But we all have room to improve. Bruce Banner: I didn't realize you were waiting. Natasha Romanoff: I would've joined you, but uh, it didn't seem like the right time. Bruce Banner: They used up all the hot water. Natasha Romanoff: I should've joined you. Bruce Banner: Missed our window. Natasha Romanoff: Did we? Bruce Banner: The world just saw the Hulk. The real Hulk, for the first time. You know I have to leave. Natasha Romanoff: But you assume that I have to stay? I had this, um, dream. The kind that seems normal at the time, but when you wake... Bruce Banner: What did you dream? Natasha Romanoff: That I was an Avenger. That I was anything more than the assassin they made me. Bruce Banner: I think you're being hard on yourself. Natasha Romanoff: Here I was hoping that was your job. Bruce Banner: What are you doing? Natasha Romanoff: I'm running with it, with you. If running's the plan, as far as you want. Bruce Banner: Are you out of your mind? Natasha Romanoff: I want you to understand that I'm... Bruce Banner: Natasha, where can I go? Where in the world am I not a threat? Natasha Romanoff: You're not a threat to me. Bruce Banner: You sure? Even if I didn't just...there's no future with me. I can't ever...I can't have this, kids, do the math, I physically can't. Natasha Romanoff: Neither can I. In the Red Room, where I was trained, where I was raised, um, they have a graduation ceremony. They sterilize you. It's efficient. One less thing to worry about. The one thing that might matter more than a mission. It makes everything easier. Even killing. You still think you're the only monster on the team? Bruce Banner: What, so we disappear? Tony Stark: Thor didn't say where he was going for answers? Steve Rogers: Sometimes my teammates don't tell me things. I was kind of hoping Thor would be the exception. Tony Stark: Yeah, give him time. We don't know what the Maximoff kid showed him. Steve Rogers: "Earth's Mightiest Heroes." Pulled us apart like cotton candy. Tony Stark: Seems like you walked away all right. Steve Rogers: Is that a problem? Tony Stark: I don't trust a guy without a dark side. Call me old fashioned. Steve Rogers: Well let's just say you haven't seen it yet. Tony Stark: You know Ultron is trying to tear us apart, right? Steve Rogers: Well I guess you'd know. Whether you tell us is a bit of a question. Tony Stark: Banner and I were doing research. Steve Rogers: That would affect the team. Tony Stark: That would end the team. Isn't that the mission? Isn't that the "why" we fight, so we can end the fight, so we get to go home? Steve Rogers: Every time someone tries to win a war before it starts, innocent people die. Every time. Laura Barton: I'm sorry. Mr. Stark, uh, Clint said you wouldn't mind, but, our tractor, it doesn't seem to want to start at all. I thought maybe you might... Tony Stark: Yeah, I'll give her a kick. Don't take from my pile. Hello, Deere. Tell me everything. What ails you? Nick Fury: Do me a favor. Try not to bring it to life. Tony Stark: Ah, Mrs. Barton, you little minx. I get it, Maria Hill called you, right? Was she ever not working for you? Nick Fury: Artificial intelligence. You never even hesitated. Tony Stark: Look, it's been a really long day, like, Eugene O'Neill long, so how's about we skip to the part where you're useful? Nick Fury: Look me in the eye and tell me you're going to shut him down. Tony Stark: You're not the director of me. Nick Fury: I'm not the director of anybody. I'm just an old man, who cares very much about you. Tony Stark: And I'm the man who killed the Avengers. I saw it. I didn't tell the team, how could I? I saw them all dead, Nick. I felt it. The whole world, too. It's because of me. I wasn't ready. I didn't do all I could. Nick Fury: The Maximoff girl, she's working you, Stark. Playing on your fear. Tony Stark: I wasn't tricked, I was shown. It wasn't a nightmare, it was my legacy. The end of the path I started us on. Nick Fury: You've come up with some pretty impressive inventions, Tony. War isn't one of them. Tony Stark: I watched my friends die. You'd think that'd be as bad as it gets, right? Nope. Wasn't the worst part. Nick Fury: The worst part is that you didn't. Erik Selvig: I like the look. If you're going for inconspicuous, though, near miss. Thor: I need your help. Erik Selvig: It's nice to be needed. Thor: It's dangerous. Erik Selvig: I'd be disappointed if it wasn't. Nick Fury: Ultron took you folks out of play to buy himself time. My contacts all say he's building something. The amount of Vibranium he made off with, I don't think it's just one thing. Steve Rogers: What about Ultron himself? Nick Fury: Ah. He's easy to track, he's everywhere. Guy's multiplying faster than a Catholic rabbit. Still doesn't help us get an angle on any of his plans though. Tony Stark: He still going after launch codes? Nick Fury: Yes, he is, but he's not making any headway. Tony Stark: I cracked the Pentagon's firewall in high school on a dare. Nick Fury: Yeah, well, I contacted our friends at the NEXUS about that. Steve Rogers: NEXUS? Bruce Banner: It's the world internet hub in Oslo, every byte of data flows through there, fastest access on earth. Clint Barton: So what'd they say? Nick Fury: He's fixated on the missiles, but the codes are constantly being changed. Tony Stark: By whom? Nick Fury: Parties unknown. Natasha Romanoff: Do we have an ally? Nick Fury: Ultron's got an enemy, that's not the same thing. Still, I'd pay folding money to know who it is. Tony Stark: I might need to visit Oslo, find our "unknown." Natasha Romanoff: Well, this is good times, boss, but I was kind of hoping when I saw you, you'd have more than that. Nick Fury: I do, I have you. Back in the day, I had eyes everywhere, ears everywhere else. Here we all are, back on earth, with nothing but our wit, and our will to save the world. So stand. Outwit the platinum bastard. Natasha Romanoff: Steve doesn't like that kind of talk. Steve Rogers: You know what, Romanoff? Nick Fury: So what does he want? Steve Rogers: To become better. Better than us. He keeps building bodies. Tony Stark: Person bodies. The human form is inefficient, biologically speaking, we're outmoded. But he keeps coming back to it. Natasha Romanoff: When you two programmed him to protect the human race, you amazingly failed. Bruce Banner: They don't need to be protected, they need to evolve. Ultron's going to evolve. Nick Fury: How? Bruce Banner: Has anyone been in contact with Helen Cho? Dr. Helen Cho: It's beautiful. The Vibranium atoms aren't just compatible with the tissue cells, they're binding them. And SHIELD never even thought... Ultron: The most versatile substance on the planet and they used it to make a Frisbee. Typical of humans, they scratch the surface and never think to look within. Steve Rogers: I'll take Natasha and Clint. Tony Stark: Alright, strictly recon. I'll hit the NEXUS, I'll join you as soon as I can. Steve Rogers: If Ultron is really building a body... Tony Stark: He'll be more powerful than any of us. Maybe all of us. An android designed by a robot. Steve Rogers: You know I really miss the days when the weirdest thing science ever created was me. Nick Fury: I'll drop Banner off at the tower. Do you mind if I borrow Ms. Hill? Tony Stark: She's all yours, apparently. What are you gonna do? Nick Fury: I don't know. Something dramatic, I hope. Clint Barton: I'm gonna finish re-flooring that sunroom as soon as I get back. Laura Barton: Yeah, and then you'll find another part of the house to tear apart. Clint Barton: No. It's the last project. I promise. Erik Selvig: This is it. The Water of Sight. Thor: In every realm, there's a reflection. If the water spirits accept me, I can return to my dream, and find what I missed. Erik Selvig: The men who enter that water, the legends don't end well. Tony Stark: A hacker who's faster than Ultron? He could be anywhere. And as this is the center of everything, I'm just a guy looking for a needle in the world's biggest haystack. World Hub Tech: How do you find it? Tony Stark: Pretty simple. You bring a magnet. Oh, I'm decrypting nuclear codes and you don't want me to. Come and get me. Heimdall: Wake up! Erik Selvig: Thor! Ultron: Extinction. Dr. Helen Cho: Cellular cohesion will take a few hours, but we can initiate the consciousness stream. We're uploading your cerebral matrix...now. Wanda Maximoff: I can read him. He is dreaming. Dr. Helen Cho: I wouldn't call it dreams. It's Ultron's base consciousness, informational noise. Soon... Ultron: How soon? I'm not being pushy. Dr. Helen Cho: We're imprinting a physical brain. There are no shortcuts. Even if your magic gem is... Wanda Maximoff: How could you? Ultron: How could I what? Wanda Maximoff: You said we would destroy the Avengers, make a better world. Ultron: It will be better. Wanda Maximoff: When everyone is dead. Ultron: That is not...! The human race will have every opportunity to improve. Pietro Maximoff: And if they don't? Ultron: Ask Noah. Wanda Maximoff: You're a madman. Ultron: There were more than a dozen extinction level events before even the dinosaurs got theirs. When the Earth starts to settle, God throws a stone at it, and believe me, he's winding up. We have to evolve. There's no room for the weak. Pietro Maximoff: And who decides who's weak? Ultron: Life. Life always decides. There's incoming. The Quinjet. We have to move. Dr. Helen Cho: That's not a problem. Ultron: Ah, wait, guys!. They'll understand. When they see they'll understand. I just need a little more time. Steve Rogers: Two minutes. Stay close. Dr. Cho! Dr. Helen Cho: He's uploading himself into the body. Steve Rogers: Where? Dr. Helen Cho: The real power is inside the Cradle. The gem, its power is uncontainable. You can't just blow it up. You have to get the Cradle to Stark. Steve Rogers: First I have to find it. Dr. Helen Cho: Go. Steve Rogers: Did you guys copy that? Clint Barton: We did. Natasha Romanoff: I got a private jet taking off, across town, no manifest. That could be him. Clint Barton: There. It's the truck from the lab. Right above you, Cap. On the loop by the bridge. It's them. I got three with the Cradle, one in the cab. I could take out the driver. Steve Rogers: Negative! If that truck crashes, the gem could level the city. We need to draw out Ultron. Ultron: No, no, no, no, no. Leave me alone! Steve Rogers: Well, he's definitely unhappy! I'm gonna try and keep him that way. Clint Barton: You're not a match for him, Cap. Steve Rogers: Thanks, Barton. Ultron: You know what's in that Cradle? The power to make real change, and that terrifies you. Steve Rogers: I wouldn't call it a comfort. Ultron: Stop it! Clint Barton: We got a window. Four, three...give 'em hell. Natasha Romanoff: I'm always picking up after you boys. Clint Barton: They're heading under the overpass, I've got no shot. Natasha Romanoff: Which way? Clint Barton: Hard right... Now. Natasha Romanoff: Out of the way! Coming through! Sorry, coming through! Steve Rogers: Come on! Natasha Romanoff: Clint, can you draw out the guards? Clint Barton: Let's find out. Natasha Romanoff: Beep beep! Clint Barton: Heading back towards you. So whatever you're going to do, do it now. Natasha Romanoff: I'm going in, Cap can you keep him occupied? Steve Rogers: What do you think I've been doing? Clint Barton: The package is airborne. I have a clean shot. Natasha Romanoff: Negative. I am still in the truck. Clint Barton: What the hell are you...? Natasha Romanoff: Just be ready, I'm sending the package to you. Clint Barton: How do you want me to take it? Natasha Romanoff: Uhh, you might wish you hadn't asked that. Ultron: Please. Don't do this. Wanda Maximoff: What choice do we have? Steve Rogers: I lost him! He's headed your way. Clint Barton: Nat, we gotta go. Nat! Cap, you see Nat? Steve Rogers: If you have the package, get it to Stark! Go! Clint Barton: Do you have eyes on Nat? Steve Rogers: Go! Civilians in our path. Can you stop this thing? Pietro Maximoff: I'm fine. I just need to take a minute. Steve Rogers: I'm very tempted not to give you one. Wanda Maximoff: The Cradle, did you get it? Steve Rogers: Stark will take care of it. Wanda Maximoff: No, he won't. Steve Rogers: You don't know what you're talking about, Stark's not crazy. Wanda Maximoff: He will do anything to make things right. Steve Rogers: Stark, come in. Stark. Anyone on comms? Wanda Maximoff: Ultron can't tell the difference between saving the world and destroying it. Where do you think he gets that? Bruce Banner: Anything on Nat? Tony Stark: Haven't heard. But she's alive, or Ultron'd be rubbing our faces in it. Clint Barton: This is sealed tight. Bruce Banner: We're going to need to access the program, break it down from within. Tony Stark: Hm. Any chance Natasha might leave you a message, outside the internet, old school spy stuff? Clint Barton: There's some nets I can cast. Yeah, alright. I'll find her. Bruce Banner: I can work on tissue degeneration, if you can fry whatever operational system Cho implanted. Tony Stark: Yeah, about that. Bruce Banner: No. Tony Stark: You have to trust me. Bruce Banner: Kinda don't. Tony Stark: Our ally? The guy protecting the military's nuclear codes? I found him. Jarvis: Hello, Dr. Banner. Tony Stark: Ultron didn't go after JARVIS cause he was angry. He attacked him because he was scared of what he can do. So JARVIS went underground. Okay? Scattered, dumped his memory. But not his protocols. He didn't even know he was in there, until I pieced him together. Bruce Banner: So, you want me to help you put JARVIS into this thing? Tony Stark: No, of course not! I want to help you put JARVIS in this thing. We're out of my field here. You know bio-organics better than anyone. Bruce Banner: And you just assume that JARVIS' operational matrix can beat Ultron's? Tony Stark: JARVIS has been beating him from inside without knowing it. This is the opportunity, we can create Ultron's perfect self, without the homicidal glitches he thinks are his winning personality. We have to. Jarvis: I believe it's worth a go. Bruce Banner: No, I'm in a loop! I'm caught in a time loop, this is exactly where it all went wrong. Tony Stark: I know, I know. I know what everyone's going to say, but they're already saying it. We're mad scientists. We're monsters, buddy. You gotta own it. Make a stand. It's not a loop. It's the end of the line. Ultron: I wasn't sure you'd wake up. I hoped you would, I wanted to show you something. I don't have anyone else. I think a lot about meteors, the purity of them. Boom! The end, start again. The world made clean for the new man to rebuild. I was meant to be new. I was meant to be beautiful. The world would've looked to the sky and seen hope, seen mercy. Instead they'll look up in horror because of you. You've wounded me. I give you full marks for that. But, like the man said, "What doesn't kill me... "...just makes me stronger." Tony Stark: This framework is not compatible. Bruce Banner: The genetic coding tower's at ninety-seven percent. You have got to upload that schematic in the next three minutes. Steve Rogers: I'm gonna say this once. Tony Stark: How about "nonce"? Steve Rogers: Shut it down! Tony Stark: Nope, not gonna happen. Steve Rogers: You don't know what you're doing. Bruce Banner: And you do? She's not in your head? Wanda Maximoff: I know you're angry. Bruce Banner: Oh, we're way past that. I could choke the life out of you and never change a shade. Steve Rogers: Banner, after everything that's happened... Tony Stark: That's nothing compared to what's coming! Wanda Maximoff: You don't know what's in there! Steve Rogers: This isn't a game... Wanda Maximoff: The creature...! Pietro Maximoff: No, no. Go on. You were saying? Wanda Maximoff: Pietro! Clint Barton: What? You didn't see that coming? Bruce Banner: Go ahead, piss me off. Wait! Vision: I'm sorry, that was...odd. Thank you. Steve Rogers: Thor, you helped create this? Thor: I've had a vision. A whirlpool that sucks in all hope of life and at it's center is that. Bruce Banner: What, the gem? Thor: It's the Mind Stone. It's one of the six Infinity Stones, the greatest power in the universe, unparalleled in its destructive capabilities. Steve Rogers: Then why would you bring it to... Thor: Because Stark is right. Bruce Banner: Oh, it's definitely the end times. Thor: The Avengers cannot defeat Ultron. Vision: Not alone. Steve Rogers: Why does your "vision" sound like JARVIS? Tony Stark: We...we reconfigured JARVIS' matrix to create something new. Steve Rogers: I think I've had my fill of new. Vision: You think I'm a child of Ultron? Steve Rogers: You're not? Vision: I'm not Ultron. I'm not JARVIS. I am...I am. Wanda Maximoff: I looked in your head and saw annihilation. Vision: Look again. Clint Barton: Yeah. Her seal of approval means jack to me. Thor: Their powers, the horrors in our heads, Ultron himself, they all came from the Mind Stone, and they're nothing compared to what it can unleash. But with it on our side... Steve Rogers: Is it? Are you? On our side? Vision: I don't think it's that simple. Clint Barton: Well it better get real simple real soon. Vision: I am on the side of life. Ultron isn't, he will end it all. Tony Stark: What's he waiting for? Vision: You. Bruce Banner: Where? Clint Barton: Sokovia. He's got Nat there too. Bruce Banner: If we're wrong about you, if you're the monster that Ultron made you to be... Vision: What will you do? I don't want to kill Ultron. He's unique, and he's in pain. But that pain will roll over the earth, so he must be destroyed. Every form he's built, every trace of his presence on the net, we have to act now. And not one of us can do it without the others. Maybe I am a monster. I don't think I'd know if I were one. I'm not what you are, and not what you intended. So there may be no way to make you trust me. But we need to go. Thor: Right. Well done. Steve Rogers: Three minutes. Get what you need. Friday: Good evening, boss. Tony Stark: No way we all get through this. If even one tin soldier is left standing, we've lost. It's gonna be blood on the floor. Steve Rogers: I got no plans tomorrow night. Tony Stark: I get first crack at the big guy. Iron Man's the one he's waiting for. Vision: That's true, he hates you the most. Steve Rogers: Ultron knows we're coming. Odds are we'll be riding into heavy fire, and that's what we signed up for. But the people of Sokovia, they didn't. So our priority is getting them out. Pietro Maximoff: We're under attack! Clear the city, now! Get off your asses. Steve Rogers: All they want is to live their lives in peace, and that's not going to happen today. But we can do our best to protect them. And we can get the job done, and find out what Ultron's been building. We find Romanoff, and we clear the field. Keep the fight between us. Ultron thinks we're monsters and we're what's wrong with the world. This isn't just about beating him. It's about whether he's right. Bruce Banner: Natasha! Natasha! Natasha Romanoff: Bruce? Bruce Banner: You alright? Natasha Romanoff: Yeah. Bruce Banner: The team's in the city, it's about to light up. Natasha Romanoff: I don't suppose you found a key lying around somewhere? Bruce Banner: Yeah, I did. Natasha Romanoff: So what's our play? Bruce Banner: I'm here to get you to safety. Natasha Romanoff: Job's not finished. Bruce Banner: We could help with the evacuation, but I can't be in a fight near civilians. And you've done plenty. Our fight is over. Natasha Romanoff: So we just disappear? Friday: Your man's in the church, boss. I think he's waiting for you. Ultron: Come to confess your sins? Tony Stark: I don't know, how much time you got? Ultron: More than you. Tony Stark: Uhhh. Have you been juicing? A little Vibranium cocktail? You're looking, I don't wanna say, puffy... Ultron: You're stalling to protect the people. Tony Stark: Well, that is the mission. Did you forget? Ultron: I've moved beyond your mission. I'm free. What, you think you're the only one stalling? Friday: There's the rest of the Vibranium. Function: still unclear. Ultron: This is how you end, Tony. This is peace in my time. Steve Rogers: Go! Wanda Maximoff: Get off the bridge! Run! Vision: Ultron. Ultron: My Vision. They really did take everything from me. Vision: You set the terms, you can change them. Ultron: Alright. Tony Stark: FRIDAY! The Vision? Friday: Boss, it's working. He's burning Ultron out of the net, he won't escape through there. Ultron: You shut me out! You think I care? You take away my world, I take away yours. Tony Stark: FRIDAY? Friday: Sokovia's going for a ride. Ultron: Do you see? The beauty of it, the inevitability. You rise, only to fall. You, Avengers, you are my meteor, my swift and terrible sword and the earth will crack with the weight of your failure. Purge me from your computers, turn my own flesh against me. It means nothing. When the dust settles, the only thing living in this world will be metal. Bruce Banner: We gotta move. Natasha Romanoff: You're not going to turn green? Bruce Banner: I've got a compelling reason not to lose my cool. Natasha Romanoff: I adore you. But I need the other guy. Let's finish the job. I really hope this makes us even. Now go be a hero. Friday: The Vibranium core has got a magnetic field, that's what's keeping the rock together. Tony Stark: If it drops? Friday: Right now the impact would kill thousands. Once it gets high enough: Global extinction. That building's not clear, Tenth floor. Tony Stark: Hi. Okay. Get in the tub! Friday: I got airborne, heading up to the bridge. Tony Stark: Cap, you got incoming. Steve Rogers: Incoming already came in. Stark, you worry about bringing the city back down safely. The rest of us have one job: tear these things apart. You get hurt, hurt 'em back. You get killed, walk it off. Clint Barton: Go, go, move! Wanda Maximoff: How could I let this happen? Clint Barton: Hey, hey, you okay? Wanda Maximoff: This is all our fault. Clint Barton: Hey, look at me. It's your fault, it's everyone's fault, who cares. Are you up for this? Are you? Look, I just need to know, cause the city is flying. Okay, look, the city is flying, we're fighting an army of robots, and I have a bow and arrow. None of this makes sense. But I'm going back out there because it's my job. Okay? And I can't do my job and babysit. It doesn't matter what you did, or what you were. If you go out there, you fight, and you fight to kill. Stay in here, you're good, I'll send your brother to come find you, but if you step out that door, you are an Avenger. Alright, good chat. Yeah, the city is flying. Steve Rogers: I got you! Just look at me. Ultron: You can't save them all. You'll never... Steve Rogers: You'll never what? You didn't finish! What, were you napping? Ultron: Thor! You're bothering me. Clint Barton: Alright, we're all clear here. Steve Rogers: We are not clear! We are very not clear! Clint Barton: Alright, coming to you. Pietro Maximoff: Keep up old man! Clint Barton: Nobody would know. Nobody. "The last I saw him, when Ultron was sitting on him. Uh...yeah, he'll be missed, that quick little bastard. I miss him already." Steve Rogers: Romanoff! Natasha Romanoff: Thanks. Friday: The anti-gravs are rigged to flip. Touch 'em, they'll go full reverse thrust. The city's not coming down slow. Tony Stark: The spire's Vibranium. If I get Thor to hit it... Friday: It'll crack, but that's not enough, the impact would still be devastating. Tony Stark: Maybe if we cap the other end, keep the atomic action doubling back. Friday: That could vaporize the city, and everyone on it. Steve Rogers: The next wave's gonna hit any minute. What have you got, Stark? Tony Stark: Well, nothing great. Maybe a way to blow up the city. That'll keep it from impacting the surface if you guys can get clear. Steve Rogers: I asked for a solution, not an escape plan. Tony Stark: Impact radius is getting bigger every second. We're going to have to make a choice. Natasha Romanoff: Cap, these people are going nowhere. If Stark finds a way to blow this rock... Steve Rogers: Not 'til everyone's safe. Natasha Romanoff: Everyone up here versus everyone down there? There's no math there. Steve Rogers: I'm not leaving this rock with one civilian on it. Natasha Romanoff: I didn't say we should leave. There's worse ways to go. Where else am I gonna get a view like this? Nick Fury: Glad you like the view, Romanoff. It's about to get better. Nice, right? I pulled her out of mothballs with a couple of old friends. She's dusty, but she'll do. Steve Rogers: Fury, you son of a bitch. Nick Fury: Oooh! You kiss your mother with that mouth? Maria Hill: Altitude is eighteen thousand and climbing. Specialist Cameron Klein: Lifeboats secure to deploy. Disengage in three, two...take 'em out. Pietro Maximoff: This is SHIELD? Steve Rogers: This is what SHIELD's supposed to be. Pietro Maximoff: This is not so bad. Steve Rogers: Let's load 'em up. Maria Hill: Sir, we have multiple bogies converging on our starboard flank. Nick Fury: Show 'em what we got. Maria Hill: You're up. James Rhodes: Yes! Now this is gonna be a good story. Tony Stark: Yep. If you live to tell it. James Rhodes: You think I can't hold my own? Tony Stark: We get through this, I'll hold your own. James Rhodes: You had to make it weird. Clint Barton: Alright, let's load 'em up! Alright, here we go. Here we go, let's move. Let's go everyone! Specialist Cameron Klein: Number six boat is topped and locked. Or, uh, or stocked, topped. It...it's, uh, full of people. Maria Hill: Incoming! Specialist Cameron Klein: Oh, God! Ultron: You think you're saving anyone? I turn that key and drop this rock a little early and it's still billions dead. Even you can't stop that. Thor: I am Thor, son of Odin, and as long as there is life in my breast, I am...running out of things to say! Are you ready? Vision: It's terribly well balanced. Thor: Well, if there's too much weight, you lose power on the swing, so. Tony Stark: I got it! Create a heat seal. I can...I can supercharge the spire from below. Friday: Running numbers. A heat seal could work with enough power. Tony Stark: Thor, I got a plan! Thor: We're out of time. They're coming for the core. Tony Stark: Rhodey, get the rest of the people on board that carrier. James Rhodes: On it. Tony Stark: Avengers, time to work for a living. Pietro Maximoff: You good? Wanda Maximoff: Yeah. Tony Stark: Romanoff? You and Banner better not be playing "hide the zucchini." Natasha Romanoff: Relax, Shell-head. Not all of us can fly. What's the drill? Tony Stark: This is the drill. If Ultron gets a hand on the core, we lose. Thor: Is that the best you can do? Steve Rogers: You had to ask. Ultron: This is the best I can do. This is exactly what I wanted. All of you, against all of me. How could you possibly hope to stop me? Tony Stark: Well, like the old man said. Together. Ultron: You know, with the benefit of hindsight... Thor: They'll try to leave the city. Tony Stark: We can't let 'em, not even one. Rhodey! James Rhodes: I'm on it. Oh, no, I didn't say you could leave. War Machine, comin' at you, right ... Okay, what? Steve Rogers: We gotta move out. Even I can tell the air is getting thin. You guys get to the boats, I'll sweep for stragglers, be right behind you. Clint Barton: What about the core? Wanda Maximoff: I'll protect it. It's my job. Get the people on the boats. Pietro Maximoff: I'm not going to leave you here. Wanda Maximoff: I can handle this. Come back for me when everyone else is off, not before. Pietro Maximoff: Hmm. Wanda Maximoff: You understand? Pietro Maximoff: You know, I'm twelve minutes older than you. Wanda Maximoff: Go. Friday: Boss, power levels are way below opt... Tony Stark: Re-route everything. We get one shot at this. Clint Barton: I know what I need to do. The dining room! If I knock out that east wall, it'll make a nice work space for Laura, huh? Put up some baffling, she can't hear the kids running around, what do you think? Natasha Romanoff: You guys always eat in the kitchen anyway. Clint Barton: No one eats in a dining room. We don't have a lot of time. Natasha Romanoff: So get your ass on a boat. Hey, big guy. Sun's getting real low. Zrinka: Costel? We were in the market. Costel?! Tony Stark: Thor, I'm gonna need you back in the church. Thor: Is this the last of them? Steve Rogers: Yeah. Everyone else is on the carrier. Tony Stark: You know, if this works, we maybe don't walk away. Thor: Maybe not. Ultron: I got no strings, so I have fun. I'm not tied up to anyone. Pietro Maximoff: You didn't see that coming. Ultron: Oh, for God's sake! Clint Barton: No, no. I'm fine. Oh, it's been a long day. Ultron: Wanda, if you stay here, you'll die. Wanda Maximoff: I just did. Do you know how it felt? It felt like that. Tony Stark: Thor, on my mark. Now! Natasha Romanoff: Hey, big guy. We did it, the job's finished. Now I need you to turn this bird around, okay? We can't track you in stealth mode, so help me out. I need you t... Vision: You're afraid. Ultron: Of you? Vision: Of death. You're the last one. Ultron: You were supposed to be the last. Stark asked for a savior, and settled for a slave. Vision: I suppose we're both disappointments. Ultron: I suppose we are. Vision: Humans are odd. They think order and chaos are somehow opposites, and try to control what won't be. But there is grace in their failings. I think you missed that. Ultron: They're doomed. Vision: Yes. But a thing isn't beautiful because it lasts. It's a privilege to be among them. Ultron: You're unbearably naive. Vision: Well, I was born yesterday. Laura Barton: Say hi to Auntie Nat. Natasha Romanoff: Fat. Nick Fury: One of our tech boys flagged this, splashed down in the Banda Sea. Could be the Quinjet. But with Stark's stealth tech, we still can't track the damn thing. Natasha Romanoff: Right. Nick Fury: Probably jumped out and swam to Fiji. He'll send a postcard. Natasha Romanoff: "Wish you were here." You sent me to recruit him, way back when. Did you know then what was going to happen? Nick Fury: You never know. You hope for the best and make do with what you get. I got a great team. Natasha Romanoff: Nothing lasts forever. Nick Fury: Trouble, Miss Romanoff. No matter who wins or loses, trouble still comes around. Steve Rogers: The rules have changed. Tony Stark: We're dealing with something new. Steve Rogers: Well, the Vision's artificial intelligence. Tony Stark: A machine. Steve Rogers: So it doesn't count. Tony Stark: No. It's not like a person lifting the hammer. Steve Rogers: Right. Different rules for us. Tony Stark: Nice guy, but artificial. Steve Rogers: Thank you. Thor: If he can wield the hammer, he can keep the Mind Stone. It's safe with the Vision and these days, safe is in short supply. Steve Rogers: But if you put the hammer in an elevator... Tony Stark: It would still go up. Steve Rogers: Elevator's not worthy. Thor: I'm going to miss these little talks of ours. Tony Stark: Well, not if you don't leave. Thor: I have no choice. The Mind Stone is the fourth of the Infinity Stones to show up in the last few years. That's not a coincidence. Someone has been playing an intricate game and has made pawns of us. But once all these pieces are in position... Tony Stark: Triple Yahtzee? Steve Rogers: You think you can find out what's coming? Thor: I do. Besides this one, there's nothing that can't be explained. Tony Stark: That man has no regard for lawn maintenance. I'm gonna miss him though. And you're gonna miss me. There's gonna be a lot of manful tears. Steve Rogers: I will miss you, Tony. Tony Stark: Yeah? Well, it's time for me to tap out. Maybe I should take a page out of Barton's book and build Pepper a farm, hope nobody blows it up. Steve Rogers: The simple life. Tony Stark: You'll get there one day. Steve Rogers: I don't know, family, stability. The guy who wanted all that went in the ice seventy-five years ago. I think someone else came out. Tony Stark: You alright? Steve Rogers: I'm home. You want to keep staring at the wall, or do you want to go to work? I mean, it's a pretty interesting wall. Natasha Romanoff: I thought you and Tony were still gazing into each other's eyes. How do we look? Steve Rogers: Well, we're not the '27 Yankees. Natasha Romanoff: We've got some hitters. Steve Rogers: They're good. They're not a team. Natasha Romanoff: Let's beat 'em into shape. Steve Rogers: Avengers...! Thanos: Fine, I'll do it myself.

Hank Pym: Stark. Mitchell Carson: He doesn't seem happy. Howard Stark: Hello, Hank. You're supposed to be in Moscow. Hank Pym: I took a detour. Through your defense lab. Peggy Carter: Tell me that isn't what I think it is. Hank Pym: It depends, if you think it's a poor attempt to replicate my work. Even for this group, that takes nerve. Mitchell Carson: You were instructed to go to Russia. May I remind you, Dr. Pym, that you're a soldier... Hank Pym: I'm a scientist. Howard Stark: Then act like one. The Pym Particle is the most revolutionary science ever developed, help us put it to good use. Hank Pym: I let you turn me into your errand boy, and now you try to steal my research? Mitchell Carson: If only you'd protected Janet with such ferocity, Dr. Pym. Hank Pym: Oh, god. Peggy Carter: Easy, Hank. Hank Pym: You mention my wife again and I'll show you ferocity. Howard Stark: Don't look at me, you said it. Hank Pym: I formally tender my resignation. Howard Stark: We don't accept it. Formally. Hank, we need you. The Pym Particle is a miracle. Please, don't let your past determine the future. Hank Pym: As long as I am alive, nobody will ever get that formula. Mitchell Carson: We shouldn't let him leave the building. Peggy Carter: You've already lied to him, now you want to go to war with him? Mitchell Carson: Yes! Our scientists haven't come close to replicating his work. Howard Stark: He just kicked your ass full size. You really want to find out what it's like when you can't see him coming? I've known Hank Pym for a long time, he's no security risk. Unless we make him one. Peachy: You like that? You like that? Come get you some then! Scott Lang: You didn't even move. Peachy: Nah. Scott Lang: I mean, what if I come in on the left side, right? Just out here and see this here... Peachy: I'm gonna miss you, Scott. Scott Lang: I'm gonna miss you too, Peachy. Man, you guys got the weirdest goodbye rituals. Luis: Scotty! What's up, man! Damn! Scott Lang: Hey! Hey, man. Luis: Hey, what's up with your eye? Scott Lang: Oh, well, what do you think. Peachy. His going away present. Luis: Oh, yeah, I still got my scar from a year ago. Scott Lang: Oh yeah. Luis: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know what? I'm still the only one to knock him out. Scott Lang: Well, I definitely didn't. Thanks for picking me up, brother. Luis: Oh, you know, you think I'm gonna miss my cellie getting out? Scott Lang: Hey, how's your girl, man? Luis: Uh, she left me. Scott Lang: Oh. Luis: Yeah, my mom died too. And my dad got deported. But I got the van! Scott Lang: It's nice! Luis: Yeah, right? Scott Lang: Thanks for the hook-up too. I needed a place to stay. Luis: You wait 'til you see this couch, you're gonna be really happy. You're gonna be on your feet in no time, watch. Scott Lang: I hope so. Luis: Yeah. And I gotta introduce you to some people, some really skilled people. Scott Lang: Not interested. Luis: Yeah right! Scott Lang: No, I'm serious, man. I'm not going back. I got a daughter to take care of. Luis: You know that jobs don't come easy for ex-cons, right? Scott Lang: Look man, I got a masters in electrical engineering, alright? I'm gonna be fine. Welcome to Baskin Robbins. Would you like to try our Mango Fruit Blast? Ice Cream Store Customer: Uh, no thanks. Um, I will have... I'll have a burger, please. Scott Lang: Oh, we don't... we don't make that. Ice Cream Store Customer: Pretzel. Hot pretzel, like, mustard... in mustard dip? Scott Lang: It's ice cream. Baskin Robbins. Ice Cream Store Customer: I'll just do with whatever's hot and fresh. Scott Lang: Dude. Dale: Can I see you in the back, chief? Pronto. Scott Lang: Sure thing, Dale. Darby, could you just, uh... ...take care of this idiot? Thanks. Hiya, Dale. Dale: Come on in. Pull up some chair. Three years in San Quentin, huh? Scott Lang: You found out. Dale: Baskin Robbins always finds out. Scott Lang: Look, I'm sorry, alright, but I... no one would hire me. Dale: Breaking and entering. Grand larceny. Scott Lang: Look, I'm... I'm sorry, I... you know, it was... I don't do it anymore. I'm just trying... Dale: Respect. I couldn't be happier about it. Scott Lang: Really? Dale: Yeah, yeah. Scott Lang: Oh, thank you, thank you. Dale: You really stuck it to those billionaire S.O.Bs. And the more I read about what you did and stuff, I'm like, "Wow, I know this guy? I'm in charge of this guy?" Yeesh! Scott Lang: Well, I'm very happy in this job, and I'm... I really just appreciate the opportunities and... Dale: Yeah, yeah. Well, you're fired of course. I mean, I can't really keep you on. Scott Lang: Wait, what? Fired? Dale: Yeah. Scott Lang: Dale, look, it wasn't a violent crime, I mean, I'm a good worker. Dale: No, it wasn't a violent crime. It was a cool crime. I'll tell you what, though, this'd be totally off the books, off the records, but, uh... if you want to grab one of those Mango Fruit Blasts on your way out the door, I'll just pretend I didn't see it. Luis: Hey, Scotty, what's up? I thought you were supposed to be at work? Scott Lang: I was, I got fired. Luis: Damn! They find out who you are? Scott Lang: Yep. Luis: Baskin Robbins always finds out, bro. Dave: Baskin Robbins don't play. Luis: You want some waffles? Scott Lang: Yeah, I'll take a waffle. Luis: Oh. That's Kurt. He was in Folsom for 5 years, he's a wizard on that laptop. Kurt: Nice to meet you. Scott Lang: Yeah, nice to meet you too. And who are you? Dave: Dave. Nice work on the Vista job. Kurt: Vista job? Yes. No, no, I have heard of this robbery. Scott Lang: Well, technically, I didn't rob them. Robbery involves threat. I hate violence, I burgled them. I'm a cat burglar. Dave: You mean you're a pussy? Scott Lang: Yeah. Luis: They were overcharging the customers, right? And it added up to millions. He blows the whistle and he gets fired. And what does he do? He hacks into the security system, and transfers millions back to the people that they stole it from. Dave: Posts all the bank records online. Luis: And he drove dude's Bentley into a swimming pool. Scott Lang: What are you doing? Hmm? Why are you telling my life's story to these guys? What do you want? Luis: Okay. My cousin talked to this guy two weeks ago about this little, perfect job. Scott Lang: No way. Luis: No, no, no. Wait! This guy... this guy fits your M.O. Scott Lang: No! I'm finished man. I'm not going back to jail. Luis: It's some retired millionaire living off his golden parachute, It's a perfect Scott Lang mark. Scott Lang: I don't care. I'm out. Pym Tech Gate Guard: Dr. Pym? Hank Pym: Yes. I'm still alive. Pym Tech Security Guard: I.D. Hank Pym: Perhaps that will suffice. Pym Tech Security Guard: I'm very sorry, sir. Please come in. Pym Tech Employee: Is that Hank Pym? Hope Van Dyne: Good morning, Hank. Hank Pym: Hope. Would it kill you to call me dad? Hope Van Dyne: Well, Dr. Cross will be so please that you could find the time to join us today. Darren Cross: More like, thrilled. Hank Pym: I was surprised to receive any kind of invitation from you, Darren. What's the occasion? Darren Cross: Oh, you'll see. Won't he, Hope? Hope Van Dyne: We're ready for you inside. Darren Cross: Ouch. I guess some old wounds never heal, huh? Don't worry, she's in good hands. You're in for a treat. Mitchell Carson: Long time no see, Dr. Pym. How's retirement? Hank Pym: How's your face? Hope Van Dyne: After you. Darren Cross: Now before we start I'd like to introduce a very special guest, this company's founder and my mentor, Dr. Hank Pym. When I took over this company for Dr. Pym, I immediately started researching a particle that could change the distance between atoms while increasing density and strength. Why this revolutionary idea remained buried beneath the dust and cobwebs of Hank's research, I couldn't tell you. But just imagine. A soldier the size of an insect. The ultimate secret weapon. An "Ant-Man". That's what they called you. Right, Hank? Silly, I know. Propaganda. Tales to astonish. Trumped up B.S. to scare the U.S.S.R. Hank, will you tell our guests what you told me every single time I asked you, was the Ant-Man real? Hank Pym: Just a tall tale. Darren Cross: Right. Because how could anything so miraculous possibly be real? Well I was inspired by the legend of the Ant-Man. And with my breakthrough, shrinking inorganic material, I thought, could it be possible to shrink a person? Could that be done? Well, it's not a legend anymore. Distinguished guests, I am proud to present the end of warfare as we know it: the Yellowjacket. The Yellowjacket is an all-purpose weapon of war capable of altering the size of the wearer for the ultimate combat advantage. Video Voice Over: We live in an era in which the weapons we use to protect ourselves are undermined by constant surveillance. It's time to return to a simpler age. One where the powers of freedom can once again operate openly to protect their interests. An all-purpose peace-keeping vessel. The Yellowjacket can manage any conflict on the Geo-political landscape, completely unseen. Efficient in both preventative measures and tactical assault. Practical applications include: surveillance, industrial sabotage, and the elimination of obstructions on the road to peace. A single Yellowjacket offers the user unlimited influence to carry out protective actions and one day soon, an army of Yellowjackets will create a sustainable environment of well-being around the world. The Yellowjacket. Frank: So it's a suit. Darren Cross: Don't be crude, Frank. It's not a suit, it's a... it's a vessel. What's a matter, you're not impressed? Frank: Oh, I'm impressed. I'm also concerned. Imagine what our enemies could do with this tech. Darren Cross: We should have a longer conversation about that, Frank. I really value your opinion. Thank you for coming. Hope? Hope Van Dyne: Thank you very much, everybody. I will escort you out now. Thank you. Darren Cross: You seem a bit shocked. Hank Pym: Darren, there's a reason that I buried these secrets. Darren Cross: So you finally admit it. We could've done this together, Hank. But you ruined that. That's why you're the past and I'm the future. Hank Pym: Don't do this. Mitchell Carson: Dr. Cross. You sell to me first, twenty percent of your asking price, I can have the cash here in two weeks. Darren Cross: Deal. Hope Van Dyne: We have to make our move, Hank. Hank Pym: How close is he? Hope Van Dyne: He still can't shrink a live subject. Just give me the suit and let me finish this once and for all. Hank Pym: No. Hope Van Dyne: I have Cross' complete trust. Hank Pym: It's too dangerous. Hope Van Dyne: We don't have a choice. Hank Pym: Well, that's not entirely true. Hope Van Dyne: I think I found a guy. Hank Pym: Who? Cassie Lang: Daddy! Scott Lang: Peanut! Oh! Happy birthday! I'm so sorry I'm late, I didn't know what time your party started. Cassie Lang: It was on the invitation! James "Jim" Paxton: He didn't get an invitation! But he came anyway. Scott Lang: Well, I'm not going to miss my little girl's birthday party. Cassie Lang: I'm gonna go tell mommy you're here. Scott Lang: Oh, you don't... James "Jim" Paxton: What are you doing here, Lang? You haven't paid a dime in child support. You know, right now if I wanted to, I could arrest you. Scott Lang: It's good to see you too, Paxton. Cassie Lang: Mommy's so happy you're here, she choked on her drink. Scott Lang: Hey, look what I have for you. Cassie Lang: Can I open it now? James "Jim" Paxton: Of course sweetheart, it's your birthday. Hideous Rabbit: You're my bestest friend! James "Jim" Paxton: What is that thing? Cassie Lang: He's so ugly! I love him! Can I go show my friends? James "Jim" Paxton: Yeah, of course sweetheart, go ahead. Hideous Rabbit: You're my bestest friend! Scott Lang: Look, the child support is coming. Alright? It's just hard finding a job when you have a record. James "Jim" Paxton: I'm sure you'll figure it out, but for now I want you out of my house. Scott Lang: No, wait, it's my daughter's birthday! James "Jim" Paxton: It's my house! Scott Lang: So what, it's my kid! Maggie Lang: Scott! You can't just show up here, you know that. Come on. Scott Lang: It's her birthday party. Maggie Lang: Yeah, I know, but you can't just show up. Scott Lang: She's my daughter. James "Jim" Paxton: You don't know the first thing about being a father. Scott Lang: Maggie, I tell you this as a friend, and as the first love of my life, your fiancé is an ass-hat. Maggie Lang: He's not an ass-hat. James "Jim" Paxton: Hey, watch your language. Okay? Scott Lang: Oh, what language. I said hat. Really, Maggie? That guy? Come on, you could marry anyone you want, you have to get engaged to a cop? Maggie Lang: At least he's not a crook. Scott Lang: I'm trying, okay? I've changed, and I'm straight, I had a job, and... I want to provide. I had a lot of time to think about it, and I love her. So much. I've missed so much time and I want to be a part of her life. What do I do? Maggie Lang: Get an apartment. Get a job, pay child support. And then we will talk about visitation, I promise. You're her hero, Scott. Just, be the person that she already thinks you are. Darren Cross: I'm sorry you have such deep concerns about the Yellowjacket, Frank. Frank: Yeah, well, uh, unfortunately we can't just do whatever we want. Would be nice though, right? But there are laws. Darren Cross: What laws? Of man? The laws of nature transcend the laws of man, and I've transcended the laws of nature. Frank: Darren, I don't think you understand... Darren Cross: Hm. We still haven't worked out all the bugs. Goodbye, Frank. You know I've been thinking a lot about gratitude lately, and today during my morning meditation, an interesting thought occurred to me and I think it might apply to you too. Hope Van Dyne: How's that? Darren Cross: Gratitude can be forgiveness. I spent years carrying around my anger for Hank Pym. I devoted my genius to him. I could've worked anywhere. I chose my mentor poorly. You didn't even have a choice. He never believed in you. It's a shame what we had to do, but he forced us to do it, didn't he? But we shouldn't be angry, we should be grateful. Because his failures as a mentor, as a father, forced us to spread our wings. Hope Van Dyne: You're a success, Darren. You deserve everything coming your way. Luis: Hey, what's up, hotshot? Dave: Maybe he didn't hear you. Luis: How was the party? Scott Lang: Tell me about that tip. Luis: What? Scott Lang: I want to know about that tip. Luis: Ooh, baby, it's on! Dave: Hot dog! Luis: It's so on right now! Dave: Look who grew a pair! Scott Lang: Calm down, alright? I just need to know where it came from, it's gotta be airtight. Luis: Okay. I was at a wine tasting with my cousin Ernesto, which was mainly reds, and you know I don't love reds man, you know? But there was a rosé that saved the day, it was delightful. And he tells me about this girl Emily that we used to kick it with, it was actually the first pair of boobs that I ever touched. Scott Lang: It's the wrong details. It's wrong... It has nothing to do with the story. Go! Luis: So, uh, he tells me that she's working as a housekeeper now, right? And she's dating this dude Carlos who's a shot caller from across the bay and she tells him about the dude that she's cleaning for. Right? That he's, like, this big-shot CEO that is all retired now but he's loaded. And so, Carlos and Ernesto are on the same softball team and they get to talking, right? And here comes the good part. Carlos says: "Yo, man. This guy's got a big-ass safe just sitting in the basement, just chillin'." Of course Ernesto comes to me cause he knows I've got mad thieving skills. Of course I ask him: "Did Emily tell Carlos to tell you to get to me what kind of safe it was? And he says: "Nah, dog. All she said is that it's, like, super legit, and whatever's in it has gotta be good! Scott Lang: What? Kurt: Old man have safe. Luis: And he's gone for a week. Scott Lang: Alright. There's an old man, he's got a safe, and he's gone for a week. Let's just work with that. Luis: Y'know what I'm sayin'? Kurt: Landlines cut, cell signals jammed. No one will be making for distress call tonight. Luis: All check. Kurt: Check. Dave: Check. Luis: If the job goes bad, you know I got your back, right? Scott Lang: Don't worry, it's not gonna happen. Luis: I love it when he gets cocky. Dave: Damn! Alarm is dead. Luis: Nice! Scott Lang: Alright, I'm moving through the house. There's a fingerprint lock on the door. Luis: It's got a what? Ernesto didn't tell me nothin' about that. Aw, man, are we screwed? Scott Lang: Not necessarily. I'm in. Kurt: No alarms have been triggered. He's in like the Flynn. Scott Lang: Oh, man. Luis: What is it? Scott Lang: Well they weren't kidding, this safe is serious. Luis: How serious we talkin', Scotty? Scott Lang: It's a Carbondale. It's from 1910, made from the same steel as the Titanic. Luis: Wow. Can you crack it? Scott Lang: Well, here's the thing. It doesn't do so well in the cold. Remember what that iceberg did? Luis: Yeah, man, it killed DiCaprio. Dave: It killed everybody. Kurt: But not the old lady. She still threw the jewel into the oceans. Luis: What are you doing? Scott Lang: I poured water in the locking mechanism and froze it with nitrogen. Ice expands, metal doesn't. Luis: What are you doing now? Scott Lang: Waiting. Waiting. Nice. Luis: What is it, cash? Jewels? Scott Lang: Well there's nothing here. Luis: What'd you say? Scott Lang: It's a suit. Luis: What? Scott Lang: It's an old motorcycle suit. Luis: There's no cash, no jewelry, nothing? Scott Lang: No. It's a bust. Luis: I'm really sorry, Scotty. I know you needed a score. Hope Van Dyne: I thought we were using mice? Darren Cross: What's the difference? Commence experiment 34C, organic atomic reduction. Hope Van Dyne: Darren, maybe we should think... Darren Cross: Shrinking organic tissue is the centerpiece of this technology. I can't go to the buyers with half a breakthrough. Experiment 34C results: Negative. Sanitize the workstation, bring in subject 35C. Scott Lang: Why would you lock this up? So weird. Luis: Scott, what's up man? Scott Lang: I wonder... what is this? Hank Pym: The world sure seems different from down here, doesn't it, Scott? Scott Lang: What? Who... who said that? Luis! Luis, down here! Hank Pym: It's a trial by fire, Scott. Or in this case, water. Guess you're tougher than you thought. Scott Lang: Oh, I don't want to see this. Luis! Ahh! Son of a... ! Cab Driver: What the hell? Hank Pym: Not bad for a test drive. Keep the suit, I'll be in touch. Scott Lang: No, no. No, thank you. Cop On Speaker: Put it down on the ground! You are under arrest! Scott Lang: No, I didn't steal anything! I was returning something I stole. James "Jim" Paxton: You know, you almost had us convinced that you were going to change your ways. They were really rooting for you. It's gonna break their hearts. Detective: You got a visitor. Scott Lang: Who? Detective: Your lawyer. Scott Lang: My lawyer? Hank Pym: I told you I'd be in touch, Scott. I'm starting to think that you prefer the inside of a jail cell. Scott Lang: Oh, man. Hank Pym: Sit down. Scott Lang: Sir, I'm sorry I stole the suit. I don't even want to know why you have it. Hank Pym: Maggie was right about you. Scott Lang: How do you know about... ? Hank Pym: The way she's trying to keep you away from Cassie. The moment things get hard, you turn right back to crime. The way I see it, you have a choice. You can either spend the rest of your life in prison or go back to your cell and await further instructions. Scott Lang: I don't understand. Hank Pym: No, I don't expect you to. But you don't have many options right now. Quite frankly, neither do I. Why do you think I let you steal that suit in the first place? Scott Lang: What? Hank Pym: Second chances don't come around all that much. So next time you think you might see one I suggest you take a real close look at it. Maggie Lang: Are you sure you don't want a different toy? Are you sure you don't want a different toy? Cassie Lang: No, I love this one. Maggie Lang: Okay. Well, get some sleep then. I love you. Cassie Lang: Mommy? Maggie Lang: Hm? Cassie Lang: Is daddy a bad man? I heard some grownups say he's bad. Maggie Lang: No. Daddy just gets confused sometimes, you know? Hank Pym: Smart choice. You actually listened for once. Under the door. Scott Lang: Okay. Where to now? Hank Pym: Hang tight. Scott Lang: What? What?! James "Jim" Paxton: Where the hell did he go? Detective: I have no idea, he just vanished. Set up a five block perimeter, now! Scott Lang: Get back, get back, get back! Hank Pym: Scott, these are my associates. Scott Lang: Huh? You got a camera on an ant? Yeah, sure, why not? Where's the car? Hank Pym: No car, we've got wings. Incoming! Put your foot on the central node and not the thorax. Scott Lang: Are you ki... ? How safe's this... ? Hank Pym: Get on the damn ant, Scott! Scott Lang: Why am I on a police car? Shouldn't I not be on a police car? Hank Pym: So they can give you a lift past their five block perimeter. Scott Lang: Whoa. Alright. Now, what's the next move? Hank Pym: Hang on tight. Scott Lang: Oh, this is easy. I'm getting the hang of this. Yank up to go up. It's like a horse. Hank Pym: You're throwing 2-47 off balance. Scott Lang: Wait, his name is 2-47? Hank Pym: He doesn't have a name, he has a number Scott. Do you have any idea how many ants there are? Scott Lang: Whoa! Hank Pym: Maybe it's 2-48. Scott Lang: No, no, no, no! Vertigo, vertigo! Hank Pym: No, I think it's 2-47. Scott Lang: Wait. Hank Pym: Hang on. Scott Lang: I think I'm getting the hang of this. Hank Pym: I'm controlling 2-47. He is not listening to you. Scott Lang: What? Can I make one little request? Hank Pym: No. Scott Lang: Stop 2-47. Time out, time out. Time out. Alright, hold on. Just, wait. Whoa, uh! What happens if I throw up in this helmet? Hank Pym: It's my helmet, Scott. Do not throw up. Scott Lang: Just set her down, alright? I'm getting light headed. Hank Pym: Hang on, Scott. Scott Lang: Yeah, I'm getting a little light... it's funny... hit me, and... Hello. Who are you? Have you been standing there watching me sleep this whole time? Hope Van Dyne: Yes. Scott Lang: Why? Hope Van Dyne: Because the last time you were here you stole something. Scott Lang: Oh. Oh! Hey, look. Whoa! Hope Van Dyne: Paraponera clavata. Giant tropical bullet ants. Ranked highest on the Schmidt pain index. They're here to keep an eye on you when I can't. Dr. Pym's waiting for you downstairs. Scott Lang: Who? Hey, um, whose pajamas are these? How am I supposed to do this? Right, just one step at a time. Ugh. You don't bite me, I don't step on you, deal? Hope Van Dyne: Take down the servers and Cross wouldn't even know it. We don't need this guy. Hank Pym: I assume that you've already met my daughter Hope. Scott Lang: I did. She's great. Hank Pym: She doesn't think that we need you. Hope Van Dyne: We don't. We can do this ourselves. Hank Pym: I go to all this effort to let you steal my suit, and then Hope has you arrested. Hope Van Dyne: Okay, we can try this and when he fails I'll do it myself. Hank Pym: She's a little bit anxious. It has to do with this job, which, judging by the fact that you're sitting opposite me, I take it that you're interested in. Scott Lang: What job? Hank Pym: Would you like some tea? Scott Lang: Uh, sure. Hank Pym: I was very impressed with how you managed to get past my security system. Freezing that metal was particularly clever. Scott Lang: Were you watching me? Hank Pym: Scott, I've been watching you for a while, ever since you robbed Vista Corp. Oh, excuse me, burgled Vista Corp. Vista's security system is one of the most advanced in the business. It's supposed to be unbeatable but you beat it. Would you like some sugar? Scott Lang: Yeah, thanks. You know what, I'm okay. How do you make them do that? Hank Pym: Ants can lift objects fifty times their weight. They build, farm, they cooperate with each other. Scott Lang: Right. But how do you make them do that? Hank Pym: I use electromagnetic waves to stimulate their olfactory nerve center. I speak to them. I can go anywhere, hear anything, and see everything. Hope Van Dyne: And still know absolutely nothing. I'm late to meet Cross. Scott Lang: Uh... Dr. Pym? Hank Pym: You don't need to raise your hand, Scott. Scott Lang: Sorry, I just have one question. Who are you? Who is she? What the hell's going on and can I go back to jail now? Hank Pym: Come with me. Twenty years ago I created a formula that altered atomic relative distance. Scott Lang: Huh? Hank Pym: I learned how to change the distance between atoms, that's what powers the suit, that's why it works. Scott Lang: Whoa. Hank Pym: But it was dangerous. It was too dangerous. So I hid it from the world. And that's when I switched gears and I started my own company. Scott Lang: Pym Tech. Hank Pym: Yes. I took on a young protégé called Darren Cross. Scott Lang: Darren Cross. He's a big deal. Hank Pym: But before he was a big deal he was my assistant. I thought I saw something in him, a son I never had perhaps. He was brilliant, but as we became close he began to suspect that I wasn't telling him everything. He heard rumors about what was called the Pym Particles, and he became obsessed with recreating my formula. But I wouldn't help him so he conspired against me and he voted me out of my own company. Scott Lang: How could he do that? Hank Pym: The board's chairman is my daughter, Hope. She was the deciding vote. But she came back to me when she saw how close Cross was to cracking my formula. The process is highly volatile. What isn't protected by a specialized helmet can affect the brain's chemistry. I don't think Darren realizes this, and you know, he's not the most stable guy to begin with. Scott Lang: So, what do you want from me? Hank Pym: Scott, I believe that everyone deserves a shot at redemption. Do you? Scott Lang: I do. Hank Pym: If you can help me, I promise I can help you be with your daughter again. Now are you ready to redeem yourself? Scott Lang: Absolutely. My days of breaking into places and stealing shit are done. What do you want me to do? Hank Pym: I want you to break into a place and steal some shit. Maggie Lang: You going to be home for dinner tonight? James "Jim" Paxton: Uh, yeah. I'll pick something up, text you. Maggie Lang: Okay. Good news? James "Jim" Paxton: Uh, I don't know. It's news. Cassie Lang: Are you trying to find my daddy? James "Jim" Paxton: Yeah, I am, sweetheart. I just want your daddy to be safe. Cassie Lang: Hope you don't catch him. Hank Pym: This isn't the first time these guys have tried to get their hands on game changing weaponry. That's Mitchell Carson, ex-head of defense at SHIELD, presently in the business of toppling governments. He always wanted my tech, and now, unless we break in and steal the Yellowjacket and destroy all the data, Darren Cross is gonna unleash chaos upon the world. Scott Lang: I think our first move should be calling the Avengers. Hank Pym: I've spent half my life trying to keep this technology out of the hands of a Stark. I'm sure as hell not gonna hand-deliver it to one now. This is not some cute technology like the Iron Man suit. This could change the texture of reality. Besides they're probably too busy dropping cities out of the sky. Scott Lang: Okay, then why don't you just send the ants? Hank Pym: Scott, they are ants. Ants, they can do a lot of things, but they still need a leader. Somebody that can infiltrate a place that's designed to prevent infiltration. Scott Lang: Hank, I'm a thief. Alright? I'm a good thief. But this is insane. Hope Van Dyne: He's right Hank and you know it. You've seen the footage, you know what Cross is capable of. I was against using him when we had months, now we have days. I'm wearing the suit. Hank Pym: Absolutely not! Hope Van Dyne: I know the facility inside and out, I know how Cross thinks. I know this mission better than anybody here. Hank Pym: We need you close to Cross otherwise this mission cannot work. Hope Van Dyne: We don't have time to screw around. Hank Pym: Hope, please. Listen to me, please... Hope Van Dyne: He is a criminal. I'm your daughter. Hank Pym: No! Scott Lang: She's right, Hank. I'm not your guy. Why don't you wear the suit? Hank Pym: You think I don't want to? I can't. I spent years wearing it. It took a toll on me. You're our only option. Before Hope lost her mother, she used to look at me like I was the greatest man in the world. And now she looks at me and it's just disappointment. It's too late for me, but not for you. This is your chance. The chance to earn that look in your daughter's eyes, to become the hero that she already thinks you are. It's not about saving our world, it's about saving theirs. Scott Lang: Damn, that was a good speech. Hank Pym: Scott, I need you to be the Ant-Man. In the right hands, the relationship between man and suit is symbiotic. The suit has power, the man harnesses that power. You need to be skillful, agile, and above all, you need to be fast. You should be able to shrink and grow on a dime, so your size always suits your needs. Now dive through the keyhole, Scott. You charge big, you dive small, then you emerge big. Scott Lang: Ow! Ah! Ow. Hope Van Dyne: Useless. When you're small energy is compressed so you have the force of a two hundred pound man behind a fist a hundredth of an inch wide, you're like a bullet. You punch too hard, you kill someone, too soft, it's a love-tap. In other words you have to know how to punch. Scott Lang: I was in prison for three years, I know how to punch. Hope Van Dyne: Show me. Terrible. Scott Lang: You want to show me how to punch? Show me... Hope Van Dyne: That's how you punch. Hank Pym: She's been looking forward to this. Scott Lang: No kiddin'. Hank Pym: Hope trained in martial arts at a, uh, difficult time. Hope Van Dyne: Oh, by difficult time, he means when my mother died. Hank Pym: We lost her in a plane crash. Hope Van Dyne: It's bad enough you won't tell me how she died, could you please stop telling me that lie. We're working here. Alright princess, let's get back to work. Scott Lang: Were you going for the hand? You know, I think this regulator is holding me back. Hank Pym: Do not screw with the regulator. If that regulator is compromised you would go sub-atomic. Scott Lang: What does that mean? Hank Pym: It means that you would enter a quantum realm. Scott Lang: What does *that* mean? Hank Pym: It means that you would enter a reality where all concepts of time and space become irrelevant as you shrink for all eternity. Everything that you know, and love, gone forever. Scott Lang: Cool. Yeah. I'm... if it ain't broke. Hank Pym: You've learned about the suit, but you've yet to learn about your greatest allies: the ants. Loyal, brave, and your partners on this job. Hope Van Dyne: Paratrechina longicornis, commonly known as crazy ants, they're lightning fast and can conduct electricity which makes them useful to fry out enemy electronics. Scott Lang: Oh, you're not so crazy. Hey! You're cute. Oh! Aaah! That was a lot scarier a second ago. It looks like the Futures lab has its own isolated power supply. Hope Van Dyne: There's a security guard posted around the clock, we'll need you to take him out to deactivate the security systems. Scott Lang: Okay. Who's next? Hope Van Dyne: Paraponera clavata. Scott Lang: I know. Bullet ants, right? Number one on the Schmidt pain index. Hey, guys! Remember me from the bedroom? Whoa! Hope Van Dyne: The Yellowjacket pod is hermetically sealed and the only access point is a tube we estimate to be about five millimeters in diameter. Scott Lang: Why do I have a sick feeling in my stomach? Hope Van Dyne: The tube is protected by a laser grid and we can only power that down for fifteen seconds. Hank Pym: You're going to need to signal the crazy ants to blow the servers, retrieve the suit, and exit the vaults, before the backup power comes on. Hope Van Dyne: Camponotus pennsylvanicus. Hank Pym: Alternatively known as a carpenter ant. Ideal for ground and air transport. Scott Lang: Wait a minute, I know this guy. I'm going to call him Ant-thony. Hank Pym: That's good. That's very good, because this time you're really going to have to learn how to control him. Tell them to put the sugar in the teacup. Scott Lang: Oh, you okay, d... Hope Van Dyne: Hank wants you outside for target practice. Hank Pym: The suit has no weapons so I made you these discs. Red shrinks. Blue enlarges. Hope Van Dyne: Solenopsis mandibularis. Hank Pym: Known for their bite, the fire ants have evolved into remarkable architects. They are handy to get you in and out of difficult places. You can do it Scott, come on. Scott Lang: They're not listening to me. Hope Van Dyne: You have to commit, you have to mean it. No shortcuts, no lies. Hank Pym: Throwing insults into the mix will not do anyone any good, Hope. Hope Van Dyne: We don't have time for coddling. Hank Pym: Our focus should be on helping Scott! Hope Van Dyne: Really? Is that where our focus should be? Hank Pym: Hope! Hope Van Dyne: I don't know why I came to you in the first place. Hank Pym: We can't do this without her. Hope Van Dyne: Oh, God. Scott Lang: You gotta lock your doors. I mean, really. There's some weird folks in this neighborhood. Hope Van Dyne: Do you think this is a joke? Do you have any idea what he's asking you to risk? You have a daughter. Scott Lang: I'm doing this for her. Hope Van Dyne: You know when my mother died I didn't see him for two weeks? Scott Lang: He was in grief. Hope Van Dyne: Yeah, so was I, and I was seven. And he never came back, not in any way that counted. He just sent me off to boarding school. You know, I thought, with all that's at stake, just maybe we might have a chance at making peace. But even now he still wants to shut me out. Scott Lang: He doesn't want to shut you out. He trusts you. Hope Van Dyne: Then why are you here? Scott Lang: It proves that he loves you. Hope. Look at me. I'm expendable, that's why I'm here. You must've realized that by now. I mean, that's why I'm in the suit and you're not. He'd rather lose than fight than lose you. Anyway... Hope Van Dyne: You know, I didn't know you had a... a daughter when I called the cops on you. What's her name? Scott Lang: Cassie. Hope Van Dyne: It's a pretty name. You have to clear your mind, Scott. You have to make your thoughts precise, that's how it works. Think about Cassie, about how badly you want to see her, and use that to focus. Open your eyes and just think about what you want the ants to do. That's good. Hank Pym: Your mother convinced me to let her join me on my missions. They called her the Wasp. She was born to it. And there's not a day that goes by that I don't regret having said yes. It was 1987, separatists had hijacked a Soviet missile silo in Kursk and launched an ICBM at the United States. The only way to the internal mechanics was through solid titanium. I knew I had to shrink between the molecules to disarm the missile, but my regulator had sustained too much damage. Your mother, she didn't hesitate. Janet! No! She turned off her regulator and went sub-atomic to deactivate the bomb. She was gone. Your mom died a hero. And I spent the next ten years trying to learn all I could about the quantum realm. Hope Van Dyne: You were trying to bring her back. Hank Pym: But all I learned was we know nothing. Hope Van Dyne: It's not your fault. She made her choice. But why didn't you tell me this sooner? Hank Pym: I was trying to protect you. I lost your mother. I didn't mean to lose you too. Hope Van Dyne: I'm sorry. Scott Lang: This is awesome. It's awesome, you know? You guys are breaking down walls, you're healing. It's important. I ruined the moment didn't I? Hank Pym: Yes, you did, yes. Scott Lang: I'm gonna make some tea. Nailed it! That's a good boy, Ant-thony. The final phase of your training will be a stealth incursion. It's freezing! You couldn't make a suit with a flannel lining? Hank Pym: We must retrieve this prototype of a signal decoy, it's a device that I invented from my SHIELD days. Hope Van Dyne: We need it to counteract the transmission blockers that Cross installed in the Futures vault. Hank Pym: It's currently collecting dust in one of Howard Stark's old storage facilities in upstate New York. Should be a piece of cake. Scott Lang: You're over the target area. Disengage, now, Scott. Squadron A, go. B, go. C, go. Alright, Ant-thony, please don't drop me this time. Ah, it feels like a big leap from sugar cubes to this. Hank Pym: Stay calm. Scott Lang: Uh, guys, we might have a problem. Hank, didn't you say this was some old warehouse? It's not! You son of a bitch! Hope Van Dyne: Scott, get out of there. Hank Pym: Abort! Abort now. Scott Lang: No, it's okay. It doesn't look like anyone's home. Ant-thony, get me to the roof. Hank Pym: He's gonna lose the suit. Hope Van Dyne: He's gonna lose his life. Scott Lang: Alright I'm on the roof of the target building. Hope Van Dyne: Somebody's home, Scott. Natasha Romanoff: What's going on down there, Sam? Scott Lang: It's the Falcon! Sam Wilson: I had a sensor trip but I'm not seeing anything. Wait a second. Hank Pym: Abort, Scott! Abort now. Scott Lang: It's okay, he can't see me. Sam Wilson: I can see you. Scott Lang: He can see me. Hi. I'm Scott. Hope Van Dyne: Did he just say "Hi I'm Scott?" Sam Wilson: What are you doing here? Scott Lang: First off, I'm a big fan. Sam Wilson: Appreciate it. So who the hell are you? Scott Lang: I'm Ant-Man. Ant-Man? What, you haven't heard of me? No, you wouldn't have heard of me. Sam Wilson: You want to tell me what you want? Scott Lang: I was hoping I could grab a piece of technology just for a few days, and then return it. I need it to save the world. You know how that is. Sam Wilson: I know exactly how that is. Located the breach. Bringing him in. Scott Lang: Sorry about this! Hank Pym: What the hell are you doing? Sam Wilson: Breach is an adult male who has some sort of shrinking tech. Scott Lang: Sorry. Sorry about this. Sorry Sam Wilson: That's enough! Scott Lang: Ant-thony, a little help. Hank Pym: I've lost visual! Sam Wilson: He's inside my pack. Scott Lang: Sorry. You seem like a really great guy. Sam Wilson: It's really important to me that Cap never finds out about this. Hank Pym: That was completely irresponsible and dangerous! You jeopardized everything! Hope Van Dyne: You got it. Hank Pym: Well done. Scott Lang: Wait a minute. Did you just compliment me? He did, didn't he? Hope Van Dyne: Kind of sounded like he did. Hank Pym: I was good, wasn't I? Scott Lang: Hey, how about the fact that I fought an Avenger, and didn't die? Hank Pym: Now let's not dwell on the past. We gotta finish our planning. Hope Van Dyne: Don't mind him. You did good. Hank Pym: Darren. How the hell did you get in here? Darren Cross: You left the front door open, Hank. It's official. You're old. Hope Van Dyne: The plans! He will kill him. Hank Pym: Well to what do I owe this pleasure? Darren Cross: I have good news. Hank Pym: Really? What's that? Darren Cross: Pym Tech, the company you created, is about to become one of the most profitable operations in the world. We're anticipating fifteen billion in sales tomorrow alone. You're welcome. I know this is odd, but I'd like you to be there. This is my moment, I want you to see it. Hank Pym: Sure, Darren. Yeah, sure. I'll be there. Darren Cross: What did you see in me? Hank Pym: I don't know what you mean. Darren Cross: All those years ago, you picked me. What did you see? Hank Pym: I saw myself. Darren Cross: Then why did you push me away? Hank Pym: Because I saw too much of myself. Hope Van Dyne: He knows, he's baiting you! We have to call it off. Hank Pym: We're all taking risks. Hope Van Dyne: What if he saw me here? Hank Pym: He didn't. There's no way. Hope Van Dyne: How do you know that? Darren, hi. Darren Cross: Hope, where are you right now? Hope Van Dyne: I'm at home, why? Darren Cross: I just saw Hank. I still get nothing but contempt from him. Hope Van Dyne: Don't let him rile you up, he's just... he's just a senile old man. Darren Cross: We need to start everyone working around the clock, get the assembly line up and running. And I'm tripling security. Full sensors at all entrances, and exterior air vents fitted with steel micro mesh. Hope Van Dyne: Great. Good idea. Darren Cross: Thank you, Hope. I'm so lucky to have you on my team. Hope Van Dyne: He's tripling security, he's lost his mind, and he's on to you. Hank Pym: But he is not on to you. Hope Van Dyne: He's adding full body scanners to all entrances and closing exterior vents. How are we gonna get Scott inside? Scott Lang: The water main. You can't add security to a water main. The pressure is too strong, but if we can decrease it, that's how I get in. Hope Van Dyne: Somebody would have to reach the building's control center to change the water pressure. I mean, Hank and I will be beside Cross, how are we supposed to do that? Scott Lang: So we expand our team. What do we need? A fake security guard on the inside to depressurize the water system, somebody else to hack into the power supply and kill the laser grid, and a getaway guy. Hank Pym: No, no. No, no, no. Not those three wombats. No way. Luis: Thank you for the coffee ma'am. It's not too often that you rob a place, and then get welcomed back. Because we just robbed you! Hope Van Dyne: You know that he was arrested for stealing a smoothie machine, right? Luis: Two smoothie machines. Hope Van Dyne: Are you sure they can handle this? Luis: Oh we can handle it, we're professionals. Hank Pym: You'll forgive us if we're not instilled with confidence. Dave: Wait, everybody. Just kick back and relax a little bit, man. we know our business. We broke into this spooky-ass house, didn't we? Hank Pym: I let you. Dave: Well, one could say that I let you let me. Scott Lang: Look, it's okay. They can handle this. Luis: Yeah, we can handle it. Scott Lang: You got their credentials? Hope Van Dyne: He's in the system. Luis: I'm in the system? Dave: The system. Luis: The system? Hank Pym: Yeah. We're doomed. Scott Lang: Alright, there's something you guys need to see. Luis: Damn! Whoa! That's so cool, bro! Scott Lang: Now look, this is gonna get weird, alright? It's pretty freaky but it's safe. There's no reason to be scared. Luis: Aw, no, no. Daddy don't get scared. Scott Lang: Really? Luis: Yeah. Scott Lang: Good. Luis: Oh! Kurt: This is the work of the gypsies. Dave: That's... that's... that's witchcraft. Luis: Oh, that's amazing. That's like some David Copperfield shit. Dave: That's some kind of wizardry. Kurt: Sorcery! Luis: Ahh! Ahh! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Get off! Get off! Ahh! Scott Lang: I thought daddy didn't get scared? Hope Van Dyne: I gave them each half a Xanax and Hank explained the science of the suit to them. Fell right asleep. Scott Lang: Hey, look. I want to thank you for... Hope Van Dyne: No, please don't. We're all doing this for reasons much bigger than any one of us. I'm just glad that you might have a slight chance of maybe pulling this off. Scott Lang: Hey. Thank you, you know, for that pep talk. Hope Van Dyne: You know, the honest truth is I actually went from despising you to almost liking you. Scott Lang: You really should write poetry. Hope Van Dyne: Get some sleep, Scott. Scott Lang: Alright, just so we're clear, everyone here knows their role, right? Dave? Dave: Wheels on the ground. Scott Lang: Kurt? Kurt: Eyes in the sky. Scott Lang: Luis? Luis: Aw, man, you know it. You know what, I get to wear a uniform, that's what's up. Scott Lang: Luis. Luis: I'm sorry, I mean, I'm good, I'm good. I'm just excited, and plus you're girlfriend's really hot, so you know that makes me nervous too. And you are very beautiful, ma'am. Hank Pym: Oh, my lord. Scott Lang: She's not my... Luis: Hey, you know what? I was thinking of a tactic, like when I go undercover, like a whistling, you know I'm saying? To like, blend in. Scott Lang: No, don't whistle. No whistling. It's not the Andy Griffith Show. No whistling. Kurt: We're set. Scott Lang: Wish me luck. Kurt: Utility is online. Alpha Guard: Hey. What are you doing? Luis: Uh, boss-man said to secure the area. So, I'm securing. Alpha Guard: I'm the boss. Luis: Oh. Alpha Guard: Utilities work room three... Kurt: Water level is dropping. Coming up on extraction pipe. Scott Lang: I see it! Alright, come on. I gotta get up there. That's it, that's it, guys, yeah! That's it, yeah. Yes! You got it! You got it, come on! Alright, let's fly Ant-thony. Kurt: The Ant-Man is in the building. Dave: Phshh. Got a Crown Vic right outside over there. Kurt: This is problem? Dave: Considering the Crown Vic's the most commonly used car for under-cover cops, man. Yes, this is a problem. James "Jim" Paxton: That's Pym. Kurt: Oh, no. Scott Lang: I'm employing the bullet ants. Hapanera-clamda-mana-merna. I don't remember what it's called but I feel bad for this guy. Luis: See, that's what I'm talkin' bout. That's what I call it, an unfortunate casualty, in a very serious operation, you know? Kurt: Signal decoy in place. Mean pretty lady did good, Scott. Dave: Looks like Pym's getting arrested. Kurt: Scott, we have problem. Scott Lang: Problem? What's the problem? Kurt: Dave! Dave, that's not part of plan! Hank Pym: Listen to me, if I don't get into this building people will die. Gale: That's awfully dramatic. James "Jim" Paxton: Are you kidding me?! Kurt: Problem solved. Darren Cross: Well. How do I look? There he is. Just in time. Come on. Computer: Twelve point verification. Hank Pym: Little over the top, don't you think, Darren? Computer: Confirming authorization. Darren Cross: No, you can never be too safe. Computer: Access granted. Hank Pym: I gotta hand it to you, Darren, you really did it. Darren Cross: And you only know the half of it, Hank. Scott Lang: Arriving at second position. Alright, top speed, Ant-thony! Let's go. Proceeding to command position. I'll be right back, Ant-thony. Alright, guys, I'm in position. I'm going to signal the ants. James "Jim" Paxton: No, no, no, no! Dave: Did you see that? Scott Lang: Assume formation. Alright you cute little crazies, let's fry these servers. Let's go get 'em, buddy! Kurt: Servers are fried. Data backup completely erased. Scott Lang: Headed to the particle chamber. Mitchell Carson: Hello, Dr. Cross. My associates agree to your terms. Darren Cross: Wonderful. They're not what they were, they're doing some interesting work. And I'm enjoying myself. You tried to hide your technology from me, and now it's gonna blow up in your face. Wow. Wow! I mean, I saw the punch coming a mile away but I just figured it'd be all pathetic and weak. Hank Pym: Well you figured wrong. James "Jim" Paxton: I know this van. Anybody home? Dave: Shh. Kurt: Shh. Dave: Shh! Kurt: Shh! Scott Lang: Alright, guys, I'm here. Setting the charges. Great job, guys. I'll take it from here. Good boy, Ant-thony. Final position. Guys, how we lookin' on that laser grid? Kurt: Almost! Dave: No, you're not. Kurt: I'm getting close! Dave: No, you're not. James "Jim" Paxton: San Francisco PD! Man in the van! I know you're in there! Dave: Make it go faster. Kurt: Dude, seriously! Scott Lang: Ready to jump. Do you read, Kurt? Kurt: It's so close. James "Jim" Paxton: Freeze! Dave: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute! there was a black guy that looked exactly like me who attacked us and put us in the back of this disgusting van. James "Jim" Paxton: Get out. Dave: Take it easy! Kurt: Go! Go now! Wait! Scott Lang: What? What do you mean wait? What? What? Darren Cross: Hi, little guy. I always suspected you had a suit stored away somewhere, which begs the question, who is the new Ant-Man? Who is the man that my beloved mentor trusted even more than me? Scott Lang. The martyr, who took on the system and paid the price, losing his family and his only daughter in the process. Exactly your kind of guy, Hank. He escapes his jail cell without leaving any clue as to how, and then, he disappears magically, despite having no money to his name, and now he brings me the Ant-Man suit, the only thing that can rival my creation. Hank Pym: Darren, don't do this. If you sell to these men, it's going to be chaos. Darren Cross: I already have, and for twice the price, thanks to you. It's not easy to successfully infiltrate an Avengers facility. Thankfully, word travels fast. Oh, I'll sell them the Yellowjacket, but I'm keeping the particle to myself. They don't run on diesel. If you want the fuel you'll have to come to me. What do you call the only man who can arm the most powerful weapon in the world? Hank Pym: The most powerful man in the world. Darren Cross: You proud of me yet? Hank Pym: You can stop this, Darren. It's not too late. Darren Cross: It's been too late for a long time now. Hope Van Dyne: Darren, what are you doing? Darren Cross: He wasn't any more capable of caring for you than he was for me. Hope Van Dyne: This is not who you are, it's the particles altering your brain chemistry. Darren Cross: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're right, I have to be the one to do it. Mitchell Carson: Here we go. Hope Van Dyne: Drop your gun. Darren Cross: You know I came to the house the other night to kill him, but you were there. Hope Van Dyne: You're sick and I can help you just put the gun down. Darren Cross: I wasn't ready to kill you then, but I think I am now! Hope Van Dyne: Drop your gun, now! Darren Cross: You picked the wrong side, Hope. Hope Van Dyne: Dad! Scott Lang: Hank. No, no. Hank. Hank. Listen, you're gonna be okay. Alright? You're gonna be just fine. Darren Cross: Take the suit off or I'll blow your brains out and peel it off! James "Jim" Paxton: We got a 10-33 at Pym Tech, request immediate backup. Dave: Go, go, go! Hope Van Dyne: Dad, can you move? Hank Pym: Yes. Scott Lang: We need to get him out of here. Hope Van Dyne: Go get that suit. Luis: Hey, Scotty. Hey, did I save your life? Scotty? Scotty? Scott Lang: Thank you, Luis. Luis: Hey, are we the good guys? Scott Lang: Yeah. Luis: We're the good guys, right? Scott Lang: Yeah, we're the good guys. Luis: Feels kind of weird, you know? Scott Lang: Yeah, but we're not done yet. Get out of here before this place blows. Luis: Oh, dammit! That guy. Hey! We're getting out of here! Hope Van Dyne: The charges are set. We've got to find a way out of here and fast. Hank Pym: Don't worry. I'm not gonna die, and neither are you. It's not a keychain. James "Jim" Paxton: All the chaos in here! Multiple shots fired. And there's a tank. Luis: A little help. I got him. Hope Van Dyne: We need a doctor! Darren Cross: Let's go! Scott Lang: Ant-thony! Darren Cross: Go! Scott Lang: You're gonna regret that. James "Jim" Paxton: Wait a minute! Get out of that van! Luis: What? James "Jim" Paxton: Get out of that van! Luis: It's too loud there's a tank, I can't hear you! James "Jim" Paxton: Hey! Hey! Darren Cross: Did you think you could stop the future with a heist? Scott Lang: It was never just a heist! Put the gun down! Darren Cross: I'm gonna disintegrate you! Pool Bbq Dad: Call 911! Scott Lang: It's okay. Gale: Police! Put your hands up! James "Jim" Paxton: Get 'em up! Scott? Scott Lang: Paxton, you have to listen to me- James "Jim" Paxton: I'm taking you back, to prison. Scott Lang: There's something in that backyard that needs to be destroyed. In the bug zapper, it... James "Jim" Paxton: You need to desist right now! Your delusions are out of hand! Police Radio: All units we have a 236 in progress at 840 Winter Street. Scott Lang: It's Cassie! Darren Cross: Don't be scared. James "Jim" Paxton: Maggie, what's going on? Maggie Lang: He's got Cassie! James "Jim" Paxton: Who's got Cassie? Maggie Lang: That thing, that thing! I don't know what it... ! Cassie Lang: Are you a monster? Darren Cross: Do I look like a monster? Cassie Lang: I want my daddy! Darren Cross: I want your daddy too. There you are. Cassie Lang: Daddy, is that you? Scott Lang: Hi, Peanut. Why don't you pick on someone your own size? Darren Cross: Now where did you go, little guy? There you are. Scott Lang: Not just me. Get him! Go! Go! Luis: Scotty needs us, you know what I'm sayin'? Ain't nothin' gonna stop us. Back it up. Back it up slow. Dave: Yeah. Luis: Just back it up. Dave: Yep, yep. Luis: Back it up. Dave: Okay. Luis: All we gonna do is, we ju... we just back it up. Dave: Okay. That's it. Luis: Back it up. Dave: That's right. Luis: Back it up. Dave: Yep. Luis: Okay, now-now-now. Just back it up. Darren Cross: You insult me, Scott. Your very existence is insulting to me. You know it would be much easier to hit you if you were bigger! Scott Lang: Yeah, I agree. James "Jim" Paxton: Cassie! Darren Cross: I'm gonna show you just how insignificant you are. James "Jim" Paxton: Cassie, I'm coming! Gale: That's a messed-up looking dog. Darren Cross: I'm going to destroy everything you love! James "Jim" Paxton: Freeze! S.F.P.D.! Scott Lang: I can't break through! Darren Cross: It's titanium, you idiot! Scott Lang: Get her out of here! James "Jim" Paxton: Come on. Darren Cross: Sorry, sweetheart. You have to help daddy pay for his mistakes. James "Jim" Paxton: You stay behind me, okay? Cassie Lang: Okay. James "Jim" Paxton: Behind me. Scott Lang: I'm gonna have to shrink between the molecules to get in there. Get away from us! Daddy, help! I love you, Cassie. Cassie Lang: Daddy, where are you? Hank Pym: Go sub-atomic... go sub-atomic... Scott Lang: Oh, no. Hank Pym: You would enter a reality where all concepts of time and space become irrelevant. And as you shrink for all eternity, everything that you know and love gone forever. Cassie Lang: Daddy! Where are you? Daddy! Scott Lang: Cassie. Cassie Lang: Come on, daddy. Hank Pym: Do not mess with the regulator. I love you so much. Scott Lang: I love you too, so much. James "Jim" Paxton: There's a big hole in the roof. Scott Lang: Sorry. Gale: Is she alright? James "Jim" Paxton: She's fine. Cassie Lang: Mommy. James "Jim" Paxton: She's fine, she's fine. Hank Pym: Scott, please. You don't remember anything? Scott Lang: Hank, I... I don't. Hank Pym: There must be something else. Well I suppose the human mind just can't comprehend the experience, but you made it. You went in and you got out, that's amazing. Hope Van Dyne: Scott, I'll walk you out. Scott Lang: Get some rest. Hank Pym: Is it possible? When did this happen? Hope Van Dyne: Nothing's happening. Scott Lang: Whoa, hold on. Something's kind of happening. Hank Pym: Well if that's the case... shoot me again. Scott Lang: Yeah, I don't know what you're doing grabbing me and kissing me like that. I was a little surprised myself. I have to get somewhere. I'll see you later, Hank. Really, Hope. Hank Pym: Scott. Scott Lang: Yeah? Hank Pym: You're full of shit. Scott Lang: Oh, yeah. James "Jim" Paxton: Well, Scott I met with my Captain today, he wanted a report of the night that you got out of jail. Something happened with the cameras, circuits got fried, and... But I told him you were processed correctly. Scott Lang: Really? James "Jim" Paxton: Well, yeah. Can't be sending Cassie's dad back to jail on a technical glitch, right? Scott Lang: Thank you, Paxton. I'm blown away. Thank you for everything you do for Cassie. James "Jim" Paxton: Oh, well, that's my pleasure. But no, no, this one, I... I did it for you. Scott Lang: This is awkward. James "Jim" Paxton: Yeah. Cassie Lang: Yeah. Scott Lang: I mean what do we even talk about after all of that? Cassie Lang: Oh, I know. Scott Lang: What? Cassie Lang: I did my first cartwheel today. Scott Lang: What? Maggie Lang: Yeah. She has been practicing all week, but today was the magic day. James "Jim" Paxton: I recorded it on my phone here. Scott Lang: No, that can't be Cassie. That's not you. Maggie Lang: Yeah, it is. Cassie Lang: Yeah it is. Scott Lang: This is a professional gymnast, there's no way that's you. James "Jim" Paxton: Yeah, that's her. Cassie Lang: Good, boy. Scott Lang: Sweetie, that's pretty amazing, Peanut. Sorry. It's work. Yeah? Alright, here's the deal. Just give me the facts. Luis: Just the facts, only the facts. Scott Lang: Breathe, focus, keep it simple. Luis: No, no, no, no doubt, no doubt. Okay, so I'm at this art museum with my cousin Ignacio, right? And there was this, like, abstract expressionism exhibit, but you know me, I'm more like a Neo-Cubist kind of guy, right? But there was this one Rothko that was sublime, bro. Oh, my God... Scott Lang: Luis. Luis: Okay. Sorry, sorry. I'm ju... you know, uh, I just get excited and stuff. But anyway, anyway. When Ignacio tells me: "Yoh, I met this crazy fine writer chick at this spot last night. Like, fine, fine, crazy stupid fine." And he goes up to the bartender and goes: "Look at the girl I'm with? You know what I'm sayin'? She's crazy stupid fine, right?" And the bartender's all like: "Yeah, crazy stupid fine." So this writer chick tells Ignacio: "Yoh, I'm like a boss in the world of guerrilla journalism, and I got mad connects with the peeps behind the curtains. You know what I'm sayin'?" Ignacio's like: "For real? And she's like: Yeah. You know what, I can't tell you who my contact is, because he works with the Avengers." Scott Lang: Oh, no. Luis: Yeah, and this dude sounds like a bad-ass, man. Like he comes up to her and says... "Yoh, I'm looking for this dude who's no one seen, who's flashing this fresh tack, who's got, like, bomb moves, right? Who you got? She's like: "Well, we got everything nowadays, we got a guy who jumps, we got a guy who swings, we got a guy who crawls up the walls. You gotta be more specific." And he's like: "I'm looking for a guy who shrinks." And I'm like: "Damn!" I got all nervous cause I keep mad secrets for you, bro. So I asked Ignacio: "Did bad-ass tell the stupid fine writer chick to tell you to tell me because I'm tight with that man, that he's looking for him?" Scott Lang: And? What'd he say? Luis: He said yes. Hank Pym: There's something I want to show you. I realized you can't destroy power, all you can do is to make sure that it's in the right hands. This is an advanced prototype that your mother and I worked on together. She never got to use it, but now I realize that we were... we were working on it for you. Maybe it's time we finished it. Hope Van Dyne: It's about damn time. Sam Wilson: Hey, Cap! This would have been a lot easier a week ago. Steve Rogers: If we call Tony... Sam Wilson: He won't believe us. Steve Rogers: Even if he did... Sam Wilson: Who knows if the accords will let him help? Steve Rogers: We're on our own. Sam Wilson: Maybe not. I know a guy.

Vasily Karpov: Longing. Rusted. Seventeen. Daybreak. Furnace. Nine. Benign. Homecoming. One. Freight car. Good morning, Soldier. Bucky Barnes: Ready to comply. Vasily Karpov: I have a mission for you. Sanction and extract. No witnesses. Well done, Soldier. Steve Rogers: All right, what do you see? Wanda Maximoff: Standard beat cops. Small station. Quiet street. It's a good target. Steve Rogers: There's an ATM in the south corner, which means . . . Wanda Maximoff: Cameras. Steve Rogers: Both cross streets are one way. Wanda Maximoff: So, compromised escape routes. Steve Rogers: Means our guy doesn't care about being seen, he isn't afraid to make a mess on the way out. You see that Range Rover halfway up the block? Wanda Maximoff: Yeah, the red one? It's cute. Natasha Romanoff: It's also bulletproof, which means private security, which means more guns, which means more headaches for somebody. Probably us. Wanda Maximoff: You guys know I can move things with my mind, right? Natasha Romanoff: Looking over your shoulder needs to become second nature. Sam Wilson: Anybody ever tell you you're a little paranoid? Natasha Romanoff: Not to my face. Why? Did you hear something? Steve Rogers: Eyes on target, folks. This is the best lead we've had on Rumlow in six months. I don't want to lose him. Sam Wilson: If he sees us coming that won't be a problem. He kind of hates us. Steve Rogers: Sam, see that garbage truck? Tag it. Sam Wilson: Give me X-ray. That truck's loaded for max weight. And the driver's armed. Natasha Romanoff: It's a battering ram. Steve Rogers: Go now. Wanda Maximoff: What? Steve Rogers: He's not hitting the police. Body armor, AR-15's. I make seven hostiles. Sam Wilson: I make 5. Wanda Maximoff: Sam. Sam Wilson: Four. Rumlow's on the third floor. Steve Rogers: Wanda, just like we practiced. Wanda Maximoff: What about the gas? Steve Rogers: Get it out. Brock Rumlow: Pack it up. He's here. Steve Rogers: Rumlow has a biological weapon. Natasha Romanoff: I'm on it. Brock Rumlow: I don't work like that no more. Fire in the hole. Mercenary: No! Steve Rogers: Sam. He's in an AFV heading north. Brock Rumlow: Take this to the airstrip. We're not gonna outrun them. Lose the truck. Mercenary #1: Where are you going to meet us? Brock Rumlow: I'm not. Sam Wilson: I got four, they're splitting up. Natasha Romanoff: I got the two on the left. Steve Rogers: They ditched their gear. It's a shell game now. One of them has the payload. Brock Rumlow: There you are, you son of a bitch. I've been waiting for this! Sam Wilson: He doesn't have it. I'm empty. Natasha Romanoff: Out of the way! Mercenary #1: Drop it. Or I'll drop this. Drop it! Mercenary #2: He'll do it! Natasha Romanoff: Payload secure. Thanks, Sam. Sam Wilson: Don't thank me. Natasha Romanoff: I'm... not thanking that thing. Sam Wilson: His name is Redwing. Natasha Romanoff: I'm still not thanking it. Sam Wilson: He's cute. Go ahead, pet him. Brock Rumlow: Come on! This is for dropping a building on my face. I think I look pretty good, all things considered. Steve Rogers: Who's your buyer? Brock Rumlow: You know, he knew you. You pal, your buddy, your Bucky. Steve Rogers: What did you say? Brock Rumlow: He remembered you. I was there. He got all weepy about it. Till they put his brain back in a blender. He wanted you to know something. He said to me, "Please tell Rogers. When you gotta go, you gotta go." And you're coming with me. Steve Rogers: Oh my . . . Sam . . . We need . . . Fire and Rescue . . . on the south side of the building. We gotta get up there. Maria Stark: Try to remember the kind of September. When grass was green . . . Wake up, dear, and say goodbye to your father. Howard Stark: Who's the homeless person on the couch? Young Tony Stark: This is why I love coming home for Christmas . . . right before you leave town. Maria Stark: Be nice, dear, he's been studying abroad. Howard Stark: Really, which broad? What's her name? Young Tony Stark: Candice. Howard Stark: Do me a favor? Try not to burn the house down before Monday. Young Tony Stark: Okay, so it's Monday. That is good to know. I will plan my toga party accordingly. Where you going? Maria Stark: You father's flying us to the Bahamas for a little getaway. Howard Stark: We might have to make a quick stop. Young Tony Stark: At the Pentagon. Right? Don't worry, you're gonna love the holiday menu at the commissary. Howard Stark: You know, they say sarcasm is a metric for potential. If that's true, you'll be a great man some day. I'll get the bags. Maria Stark: He does miss you when you are not here. And frankly, you're going to miss us. Because this is the last time we're all going to be together. You know what's about to happen. Say something. If you don't, you'll regret it. Young Tony Stark: I love you, Dad. And I know you did the best you could. Tony Stark: That's how I wished it happened. Binarily Augmented Retro-Framing, or BARF. God, I gotta work on that acronym. An extremely costly method of hijacking the hippocampus to . . . clear traumatic memories. Huh. It doesn't change the fact that they never made it to the airport . . . or all the things I did to avoid processing my grief, but . . . Plus, 611 million dollars for my little therapeutic experiment? No one in the right mind would've ever funded it. Help me out, what's the MIT mission statement? "To generate, disseminate . . . and preserve knowledge. And work with others . . . to bring it to bear on the world's great challenges." Well, you are the others. And, quiet as it's kept . . . the challenges facing you are the greatest mankind's ever known. Plus, most of you are broke. Oh, I'm sorry. Rather, you were. As of this moment . . . every student has been made an equal recipient of the Inaugural September Foundation Grant. As in . . . all of your projects have just been approved and funded. No strings, no taxes... just re-frame the future! Starting now. Go break some eggs. Mit Teacher: Wow. Wow. That uh . . . that took my breathe away. Oh, Tony! So generous. So much money! Wow! Out of curiosity . . . will any portion of that grant be made available to faculty? I know, "Ooh, gross," but hear me out. I have got this killer idea for a self-cooking hot dog. Basically, chemical detonator embedded . . . Tony Stark: Restroom's this way, yeah? Mit Teacher: Yeah. Embedded in the meat shaft. Stark'S Assistant: Mr. Stark, I am so sorry about the teleprompter. I didn't know Miss Potts had cancelled. They didn't have time to fix it. Tony Stark: It's . . . fine. I'll be right back. Mit Teacher: We'll catch up later. Mrs. Spencer: That was nice, what you did for those young people. Tony Stark: Ah, they deserve it. Plus, it helps ease my conscience. Mrs. Spencer: They say there's a correlation between generosity and guilt. But if you've got the money . . . break as many eggs as you like. Right? Tony Stark: Are you going up? Mrs. Spencer: I'm right where I want to be. Tony Stark: Okay, okay. Hey! Sorry, it's an occupational hazard. Mrs. Spencer: I work for the State Department. Human Resources. I know it's boring . . . but it enabled me to raise a son. I'm very proud of what he grew up to be. His name was Charlie Spencer. You murdered him. In Sokovia. Not that it matters in the least to you. You think you fight for us. You just fight for yourself. Who's going to avenge my son, Stark? He's dead . . . and I blame you. News Anchor #1: 11 Wakandans were among those killed during a confrontation between the Avengers and a group of mercenaries in Lagos, Nigeria, last month. The traditionally reclusive Wakandans were on an outreach mission in Lagos when the attack occurred. T'Chaka: Our people's blood is spilled on foreign soil. Not only because of the actions of criminals, but by the indifference of those pledged to stop them. Victory at the expense of the innocent, is no victory at all. News Anchor #1: The Wakanda king went on to . . . News Anchor #2: They are operating outside and above the international law. Because that's the reality, if we don't respond to acts like these. Wanda Maximoff: It's my fault. Steve Rogers: That's not true. Wanda Maximoff: Turn the TV back on. They're being very specific. Steve Rogers: I should've clocked that bomb vest long before you had to deal with it. Rumlow said "Bucky" and . . . all of a sudden I was a 16-year-old kid again, in Brooklyn. And people died. It's on me. Wanda Maximoff: It's on both of us. Steve Rogers: This job . . . we try to save as many people as we can. Sometimes that doesn't mean everybody. But if we can't find a way to live with that, next time . . . maybe nobody gets saved. Wanda Maximoff: Vis! We talked about this. Vision: Yes, but the door was open so I assumed that . . . Captain Rogers wished to know when Mr. Stark was arriving. Steve Rogers: Thank you. We'll be right down. Vision: I'll . . . use the door. Oh, and apparently, he's brought a guest. Steve Rogers: We know who it is? Vision: The Secretary of State. Secretary Ross: Five years ago, I had a heart attack. I dropped right in the middle of my back-swing. Turned out it was the best round of my life, because after 13 hours of surgery and a triple bypass . . . I found something 40 years in the Army had never taught me: Perspective. The world owes the Avengers an un-payable debt. You have fought for us, protected us, risked your lives . . . but while a great many people see you as heroes, there are some . . . who would prefer the word "vigilantes". Natasha Romanoff: And what word would you use, Mr. Secretary? Secretary Ross: How about "dangerous"? What would you call a group of US-based, enhanced individuals who routinely ignore sovereign borders and inflict their will wherever they choose and who, frankly, seem unconcerned about what they leave behind? New York. Washington DC. Sokovia. Lagos. Steve Rogers: Okay. That's enough. Secretary Ross: For the past four years, you've operated with unlimited power and no supervision. That's an arrangement the governments of the world can no longer tolerate. But I think we have a solution. The Sokovia Accords. Approved by 117 countries . . . it states that the Avengers shall no longer be a private organization. Instead, they'll operate under the supervision of a United Nations panel, only when and if that panel deems it necessary. Steve Rogers: The Avengers were formed to make the world a safer place. I feel we've done that. Secretary Ross: Tell me, Captain, do you know where Thor and Banner are right now? If I misplaced a couple of 30 megaton nukes . . . you can bet there'd be consequences. Compromise. Reassurance. That's how the world works. Believe me, this is the middle ground. James Rhodes: So, there are contingencies. Secretary Ross: Three days from now, the UN meets in Vienna to ratify the Accords. Talk it over. Natasha Romanoff: And if we come to a decision you don't like? Secretary Ross: Then you retire. Helmut Zemo: Hello? Is this your car out front? I jumped the curb. Maybe we could take care of it ourselves. If you wanna call the cops, tha-that's okay too, I guess. Vasily Karpov: No. No cops. Helmut Zemo: Thank you. You have kept your looks, Colonel. Congratulations. "Mission report: December 16, 1991." Vasily Karpov: Who are you? Helmut Zemo: My name is Zemo. I will repeat my question. Mission report. December 16, 1991. Vasily Karpov: How did you find me? Helmut Zemo: When SHIELD fell, Black Widow released HYDRA files to the public. Millions of pages much of it encrypted, not easy to decipher. But . . . I have experience. And patience. A man can do anything if he has those. Vasily Karpov: What do you want? Helmut Zemo: Mission report. December 16. 1991. Vasily Karpov: Go . . . to . . . hell. Helmut Zemo: HYDRA deserves its place on the ash heap. So your death would not bother me. But I'd have to use this book . . . and other bloodier methods to find what I need. I don't look forward to that. You'd only be dying for . . . your pride. Vasily Karpov: Hail HYDRA. James Rhodes: Secretary Ross has a Congressional Medal of Honor, which is one more than you have. Sam Wilson: So let's say we agree to this thing. How long is it gonna be before they LoJack us like a bunch of common criminals? James Rhodes: A 117 countries want to sign this. 117, Sam, and you're just like, "No, that's cool. We got it. " Sam Wilson: How long are you going to play both sides? Vision: I have an equation. Sam Wilson: Oh, this will clear it up. Vision: In the eight years since Mr. Stark announced himself as Iron Man, the number of known enhanced persons has grown exponentially. And during the same period, the number of potentially world-ending events has risen at a commensurate rate. Steve Rogers: Are you saying it's our fault? Vision: I'm saying there may be a causality. Our very strength invites challenge. Challenge incites conflict. And conflict . . . breeds catastrophe. Oversight . . . oversight is not an idea that can be dismissed out of hand. James Rhodes: Boom. Natasha Romanoff: Tony. You are being uncharacteristically non-hyper-verbal. Steve Rogers: It's because he's already made up his mind. Tony Stark: Boy, you know me so well. Actually, I'm nursing an electromagnetic headache. That's what's going on, Cap. It's just pain. It's discomfort. Who's putting coffee grounds in the disposal? Am I running a bed and breakfast for a biker gang? Oh, that's Charles Spencer, by the way. He's a great kid. Computer engineering degree, 3.6 GPA. Had a floor level gig at Intel planned for the fall. But first, he wanted to put a few miles on his soul, before he parked it behind a desk. See the world. Maybe be of service. Charlie didn't want to go to Vegas or Fort Lauderdale, which is what I would do. He didn't go to Paris or Amsterdam, which sounds fun. He decided to spend his summer building sustainable housing for the poor. Guess where, Sokovia. He wanted to make a difference, I suppose. I mean, we won't know because we dropped a building on him while we were kicking ass. There's no decision-making process here. We need to be put in check! Whatever form that takes, I'm game. If we can't accept limitations, if we're boundary-less, we're no better than the bad guys. Steve Rogers: Tony, someone dies on your watch, you don't give up. Tony Stark: Who said we're giving up? Steve Rogers: We are if we're not taking responsibility for our actions. This document just shifts the blames. James Rhodes: I'm sorry. Steve. That - that is dangerously arrogant. This is the United Nations we're talking about. It's not the World Security Council, it's not SHIELD, it's not HYDRA. Steve Rogers: No, but it's run by people with agendas, and agendas change. Tony Stark: That's good. That's why I'm here. When I realized what my weapons were capable of in the wrong hands, I shut it down and stop manufacturing. Steve Rogers: Tony, you chose to do that. If we sign this, we surrender our right to choose. What if this panel sends us somewhere we don't think we should go? What if there is somewhere we need to go, and they don't let us? We may not be perfect, but the safest hands are still our own. Tony Stark: If we don't do this now, it's gonna be done to us later. That's the fact. That won't be pretty. Wanda Maximoff: You're saying they'll come for me. Vision: We would protect you. Natasha Romanoff: Maybe Tony's right. If we have one hand on the wheel, we can still steer. If we take it off - Sam Wilson: Aren't you the same woman who told the government to kiss her ass a few years ago? Natasha Romanoff: I'm just . . . I'm reading the terrain. We have made . . . some very public mistakes. We need to win their trust back. Tony Stark: Focus up. I'm sorry, did I just mishear you or did you agree with me? Natasha Romanoff: Oh, I want to take it back now. Tony Stark: No, no, no. You can't retract it. Thank you. Unprecedented. Okay, case closed-I win. Steve Rogers: I have to go. Priest: And now, I would like to invite Sharon Carter to come up and say a few words. Sharon Carter: Margaret Carter was known to most as a founder of SHIELD . . . but I just knew her as Aunt Peggy. She had a photograph in her office. Aunt Peggy standing next to JFK. As a kid, that was pretty cool. But it was a lot to live up to. Which is why I never told anyone we were related. I asked her once how she managed to master diplomacy and espionage in a time when no one wanted to see a woman succeed at either. And she said, compromise where you can. But where you can't, don't. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move . . . it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in they eye and say " No, you move." Steve Rogers: When I came out of the ice, I thought everyone I had known was gone. Then I found out that she was alive. I was just lucky to have her. Natasha Romanoff: She had you back, too. Steve Rogers: Who else signed? Natasha Romanoff: Tony. Rhodey. Vision. Steve Rogers: Clint? Natasha Romanoff: Says he's retired. Steve Rogers: Wanda? Natasha Romanoff: TBD. I'm off to Vienna for the signing of the Accords. There's plenty of room on the jet. Just because it's the path of least resistance doesn't mean it's the wrong path. Staying together is more important than how we stay together. Steve Rogers: What are we giving up to do it? I'm sorry, Nat. I can't sign it. Natasha Romanoff: I know. Steve Rogers: Then what are you doing here? Natasha Romanoff: I didn't want you to be alone. Come here. News Anchor #3: At a special United Nations conference 117 countries have come together to ratify the Sokovia Accords. Un Staffer: Excuse me, Miss Romanoff? Natasha Romanoff: Yes? Un Staffer: These need your signature. Thank you. Natasha Romanoff: Thanks. T'Challa: I suppose neither of us is used to the spotlight. Natasha Romanoff: Oh, well, it's not always so flattering. T'Challa: You seem to be doing alright so far. Considering your last trip to Capitol Hill . . . I wouldn't think you would be particularly comfortable in this company. Natasha Romanoff: Well, I'm not. T'Challa: That alone makes me glad you're here, Miss Romanoff. Natasha Romanoff: Why? You don't approve of all this? T'Challa: The Accords, yes. The politics, not really. Two people in a room can get more done than a hundred. T'Chaka: Unless you need to move a piano. T'Challa: Father. T'Chaka: Son. Miss Romanoff. Natasha Romanoff: King T'Chaka. Please, allow me to apologize for what happened in Nigeria. T'Chaka: Thank you. Thank you for agreeing to all this. I'm sad to hear that Captain Rogers will not be joining us today. Natasha Romanoff: Yes, so am I. Man On Speakers: If everyone could please be seated. This assembly is now in session. T'Challa: That is the future calling. Such a pleasure. Natasha Romanoff: Thank you. T'Chaka: For a man who disapproves of diplomacy, you're getting quite good at it. T'Challa: I'm happy, Father. T'Chaka: Thank you. T'Challa: Thank you. T'Chaka: When stolen Wakandan vibranium was used to make a terrible weapon, we in Wakanda were forced to question our legacy. Those men and women killed in Nigeria, were part of a goodwill mission from a country too long in the shadows. We will not, however, let misfortune drive us back. We will fight to improve the world we wish to join. I am grateful to the Avengers for supporting this initiative. Wakanda is proud to extend its hand in peace. T'Challa: EVERYBODY GET DOWN! Sharon Carter: My mom tried to talk me out of enlisting, but, um, not Aunt Peggy. She bought me my first thigh holster. Steve Rogers: Very practical. Sharon Carter: And stylish. Steve Rogers: CIA has you stationed over here now? Sharon Carter: In Berlin, Joint Terrorism Task Force. Steve Rogers: Right. Right. Sounds fun. Sharon Carter: I know, right? Steve Rogers: I've been meaning to ask you. When you were spying on me from across the hall . . . . Sharon Carter: You mean when I was doing my job. Steve Rogers: Did Peggy know? Sharon Carter: She kept so many secrets. I didn't want her to have one from you. Thanks for walking me back. Steve Rogers: Sure. Sam Wilson: Steve. There's something you gotta see. News Anchor #4: A bomb hidden in a news van . . . Sharon Carter: Who's coordinating? News Anchor #4: . . . ripped through the UN building in Vienna. Sharon Carter: Good. They're solid. Forensics? News Anchor #4: More than 70 people have been injured. At least 12 are dead, including Wakanda's King T'Chaka. Officials have released a video of a suspect who they have identified as James Buchanan Barnes, the Winter Soldier. The infamous HYDRA agent, linked to numerous acts of terrorism and political assassinations. Sharon Carter: I have to go to work. Call MI-6, see if we can get Micro Forensics to hurry this up. We need the whole team here in two hours or it's not worth it. Natasha Romanoff: I'm very sorry. T'Challa: In my culture death is not the end. It's more of a . . . stepping-off point. You reach out with both hands and Bast and Sekhmet, they lead you into the green veldt where . . . you can run forever. Natasha Romanoff: That sounds very peaceful. T'Challa: My father thought so. I am not my father. Natasha Romanoff: T'Challa. Task force will decide who brings in Barnes. T'Challa: Don't bother, Miss Romanoff. I'll kill him myself. Natasha Romanoff: Yeah? Steve Rogers: You alright? Natasha Romanoff: Ah, yeah, thanks. I got lucky. I know how much Barnes means to you. I really do. Stay home. You'll only make this worse. For all of us. Please. Steve Rogers: Are you saying you'll arrest me? Natasha Romanoff: No. Someone will. If you interfere. That's how it works now. Steve Rogers: If he's this far gone, Nat, I should be the one to bring him in. Natasha Romanoff: Why? Steve Rogers: Because I'm the one least likely to die trying. Natasha Romanoff: Shit. Sam Wilson: She tell you to stay out of it? Might have a point. Steve Rogers: He'd do it for me. Sam Wilson: 1945, maybe. I just want to make sure we considered all our options. The people that shoot at you usually wind up shooting at me. Sharon Carter: Tips have been pouring in since that footage went public. Everybody thinks the Winter soldier goes to their gym. Most of it's noise. Except for this. My boss expects a briefing, pretty much now . . . so that's all the head start you're gonna get. Steve Rogers: Thank you. Sharon Carter: And you're gonna have to hurry. We have orders to shoot on sight. Helmut Zemo: Homecoming. One. One. Fright Car. German Innkeeper: Mr. Müller. I have your breakfast. Helmut Zemo: I could smell it before I opened the door. Thank you. German Innkeeper: Side of bacon and black coffee. Again. I can make you something different, if you like. Helmut Zemo: It's okay. This is wonderful. German Innkeeper: I'll put this on your . . . Helmut Zemo: No, no. It's okay. I can manage. Thank you Mrs. Leiber. Bucky Barnes: How are they? Are they good? Give me six, thank you. Sam Wilson: Heads up, Cap. German Special Forces, approaching from the south. Steve Rogers: Understood. Do you know me? Bucky Barnes: You're Steve. I read about you in a museum. Sam Wilson: They've set the perimeter. Steve Rogers: I know you're nervous. And you have plenty of reason to be. But you're lying. Bucky Barnes: I wasn't in Vienna. I don't do that anymore. Sam Wilson: They're entering the building. Steve Rogers: Well, the people who think you did are coming here now. And they're not planning on taking you alive. Bucky Barnes: That's smart. Good strategy. Sam Wilson: They're on the roof. I'm compromised. Steve Rogers: This doesn't have end in a fight, Buck. Bucky Barnes: It always ends in a fight. Sam Wilson: 5 seconds. Steve Rogers: You pulled me from the river. Why? Bucky Barnes: I don't know. Sam Wilson: 3 seconds! Steve Rogers: Yes, you do. Sam Wilson: Breach! Breach! Breach! Gsg-9 Soldier: Shoot the door! Steve Rogers: Buck, stop! You're gonna kill someone. Bucky Barnes: I'm not gonna kill anyone. Gsg-9 Soldier: Suspect has broken containment! He's headed down the east stairwell! Steve Rogers: Come on, man. Sam, southwest rooftop. Sam Wilson: Who the hell's the other guy? Steve Rogers: About to find out. Sam. Sam Wilson: Got him. Gsg-9 Driver: Stand down! Stand down! Steve Rogers: Sam, I can't shake this guy. Sam Wilson: Right behind you. James Rhodes: Stand down, now. Congratulations, Cap. You're a criminal. Gsg-9 Soldier: What's the order? James Rhodes: Your highness. Vision: A pinch of paprika.' A pinch. Wanda Maximoff: Is that paprikash? Vision: I thought it might . . . lift your spirits. Wanda Maximoff: Spirits lifted. Vision: In my defense, I haven't actually ever . . . eaten anything before, so . . . Wanda Maximoff: May I? Vision: Please. Wanda? Wanda Maximoff: Hmm. Vision: No one dislikes you, Wanda. Wanda Maximoff: Thanks. Vision: Oh, you're welcome. No, it's a . . . involuntary response in their amygdala. They can't help but be afraid of you. Wanda Maximoff: Are you? Vision: My amygdala is synthetic, so . . . Wanda Maximoff: I used to think of myself one way. But after this . . . I am something else. I'm still me, I think, but . . . that's not what everyone else sees. Vision: Do you know, I don't know what this is? Not really. I know it's not of this world, that it powered Loki's staff, gave you your abilities, but . . . its true nature is a mystery. And yet, it is part of me. Wanda Maximoff: Are you afraid of it? Vision: I wish to understand it. The more I do, the less it controls me. One day . . . who knows? I may even control it. Wanda Maximoff: I don't know what's in this but it is not paprika. I'm gonna go to the store. I'll be back in 20 minutes. Vision: Alternatively, we could order a pizza? Wanda Maximoff: Vision, are you not letting me leave? Vision: It is a question of safety. Wanda Maximoff: I can protect myself. Vision: Not yours. Mr. Stark would like to avoid the possibility of another public incident. Until the Accords are on a . . . more secured foundation. Wanda Maximoff: And what do you want? Vision: For people to see you . . . as I do. Sam Wilson: So, you like cats? Steve Rogers: Sam. Sam Wilson: What? Dude shows up dressed like a cat and you don't wanna know more? Steve Rogers: Your suit . . . t's Vibranium? T'Challa: The Black Panther has been the protector of Wakanda for generations. A mantle, passed from warrior to warrior. And now, because your friend murdered my father, I also wear the mantle of king. So, I ask you . . . as both warrior and king . . . how long do you think you can keep your friend safe from me? Steve Rogers: What's gonna happen to him? Everett Ross: Same thing that ought to happen to you. Psychological evaluation and extradition. Sharon Carter: This is Everett Ross, Deputy Task Force Commander. Steve Rogers: What about our lawyer? Everett Ross: Lawyer. That's funny. See their weapons are placed in lockup. Oh, we'll write you a receipt. Sam Wilson: I better not look out the window and see anybody flying around in that. Everett Ross: You'll be provided with an office instead of a cell. Now, do me a favor, stay in it? T'Challa: I don't intend on going anywhere. Natasha Romanoff: For the record, this is what making things worse looks like. Steve Rogers: He's alive. Tony Stark: No. Romania was not Accords-sanctioned. And, Colonel Rhodes is supervising cleanup. Natasha Romanoff: Try not to break anything while we fix this. Tony Stark: Consequences? You bet there'll be consequences. Obviously you can quote me on that 'cause I just said it. Anything else? Thank you, sir. Steve Rogers: Consequences'? Tony Stark: Secretary Ross wants you both prosecuted. Had to give him something. Steve Rogers: I'm not getting that shield back, am I? Natasha Romanoff: Technically, it's the government's property. Wings, too. Sam Wilson: That's cold. Tony Stark: Warmer than jail. Delivery Truck Driver: This can't be right. What the hell? Tony Stark: Hey, you wanna see something cool? I pulled something from Dad's archives. Felt timely. FDR signed the Lend-Lease bill with these in 1941. Provided support to the Allies when they needed it most. Steve Rogers: Some would say it brought our country closer to war. Tony Stark: See? If not for these, you wouldn't be here. I'm trying to . . . what do you call it? That's an olive branch. Is that what you call it? Steve Rogers: Is Pepper here? I didn't see her. Tony Stark: We're kinda . . . well, not kinda . . . Steve Rogers: Pregnant? Tony Stark: No. Definitely not. We're taking a break. It's nobody's fault. Steve Rogers: I'm so sorry, Tony. I didn't know. Tony Stark: A few years ago, I almost lost her, so I trashed all my suits. Then, we had to mop up HYDRA . . . and then Ultron. My fault. And then, and then, and then, I never stopped. Because the truth is I don't wanna stop. I don't wanna lose her. I thought maybe the Accords could split the difference. In her defense, I'm a handful. Yet, Dad was a pain in the ass, but he and Mom always made it work. Steve Rogers: You know, I'm glad Howard got married. I only knew him when he was young and single. Tony Stark: Oh, really? You two knew each other? He never mentioned that. Maybe only a thousand times. God, I hated you. Steve Rogers: I don't mean to make things difficult. Tony Stark: I know, because you're a very polite person. Steve Rogers: If I see a situation pointed south . . . I can't ignore it. Sometimes I wish I could. Tony Stark: No, you don't. Steve Rogers: No, I don't. Sometimes . . . Tony Stark: Sometimes I wanna punch you in your perfect teeth. But I don't wanna see you gone. We need you, Cap. So far, nothing's happened that can't be undone, if you sign. We can make the last 24 hours legit. Barnes gets transferred to an American psych-center . . . instead of a Wakandan prison. Steve Rogers: I'm not saying it's impossible, but there would have to be safeguards. Tony Stark: Sure. Once we put out the PR fire, those documents can be amended. I'd file a motion to have you and Wanda reinstated . . . Steve Rogers: Wanda? What about Wanda? Tony Stark: She's fine. She's confined to the compound, currently. Vision's keeping her company. Steve Rogers: Oh God, Tony! Every time. Every time I think you see things the right way . . . Tony Stark: What? It's a 100 acres with a lap pool. It's got a screening room. There's worse ways to protect people. Steve Rogers: Protection? Is that how you see this? This is protection? It's internment, Tony. Tony Stark: She's not a US citizen. Steve Rogers: Oh, come on, Tony. Tony Stark: And they don't grant visas to weapons of mass destruction. Steve Rogers: She's a kid! Tony Stark: GIVE ME A BREAK! I'm doing what has to be done . . . to stave off something worse. Steve Rogers: You keep telling yourself that. Hate to break up the set. Helmut Zemo: Hello, Mr. Barnes. I've been sent by the United Nations to evaluate you. Do you mind if I sit? Your first name is James? Sharon Carter: The receipt for your gear. Sam Wilson: Bird costume'? Come on. Sharon Carter: I didn't write it. Helmut Zemo: I'm not here to judge you. I just want to ask you a few questions. Do you know where you are, James? I can't help you if you don't talk to me, James. Bucky Barnes: My name is Bucky. Delivery Truck Driver: Hello? Hey. I have a big one for you. Okay. Here. Just sign here. Custodian: Here? Delivery Truck Driver: Yeah. Steve Rogers: Why would the Task Force release this photo to begin with? Sharon Carter: Get the word out, involve as many eyes as we can? Steve Rogers: Right. It's a good way to flush a guy out of hiding. Set off a bomb, get your picture taken. Get seven billion people looking for the Winter Soldier. Sharon Carter: You're saying someone framed him to find him. Sam Wilson: Steve, we looked for the guy for two years and found nothing. Steve Rogers: We didn't bomb the UN. That turns a lot of heads. Sharon Carter: Yeah, but that doesn't guarantee that whoever framed him would get him. It guarantees that we would. Steve Rogers: Yeah. Helmut Zemo: Tell me, Bucky. You've seen a great deal, haven't you? Bucky Barnes: I don't want to talk about it. Helmut Zemo: You fear that... if you open your mouth, the horrors might never stop. Don't worry. We only have to talk about one. Custodian: Hey. What is this? Delivery Truck Driver: I don't know. Everett Ross: Great. Come on, guys, get me eyes on Barnes. Go. Tony Stark: FRIDAY, get me the source of that outage. Sharon Carter: Sub-level 5, east wing. Bucky Barnes: What the hell is this? Helmut Zemo: Why don't we discuss your home? Not Romania. Certainly not Brooklyn, no. I mean, your real home. Longing. Bucky Barnes: No. Helmut Zemo: Rusted. Bucky Barnes: Stop. Helmut Zemo: Seventeen. Bucky Barnes: Stop. Helmut Zemo: Daybreak. Furnace. Nine. Benign. Homecoming. One. Freight car. Soldier? Bucky Barnes: Ready to comply. Helmut Zemo: Mission report. December 16, 1991. Help me. Help. Steve Rogers: Get up. Who are you? What do you want? Helmut Zemo: To see an empire fall. Man On Pa #1: The east wing is compromised. I repeat: the east wing is compromised. Sam Wilson: Hey. Everett Ross: Evac all civilians. Get me a perimeter around the building, and gunships in the air. Natasha Romanoff: Please tell me you brought a suit. Tony Stark: Sure did. It's a lovely Tom Ford, three-piece, two-button. I'm an active-duty non-combatant. Sharon Carter: Follow me. Natasha Romanoff: We're in position. You could at least recognize me. Sam Wilson: Damn it. Zemo'S Wife: He asked me again if you were going to be there. I said I wasn't sure. You should've seen his little face. Just try, okay? I'm going to bed. I love you. News Anchor #5: James Barnes, the suspect in the UN Vienna bombing escaped custody today. Also missing Avenger Captain Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson. Sam Wilson: Hey, Cap! Bucky Barnes: Steve. Steve Rogers: Which Bucky am I talking to? Bucky Barnes: Your mom's name was Sarah...You used to wear newspapers in your shoes. Steve Rogers: Can't read that in a museum. Sam Wilson: Just like that, we're suppose to be cool? Bucky Barnes: What did I do? Steve Rogers: Enough. Bucky Barnes: Oh, God, I knew this would happen. Everything HYDRA put inside me is still there. All he had to do was say the goddamn words. Steve Rogers: Who was he? Bucky Barnes: I don't know. Steve Rogers: People are dead. The bombing, the setup. The doctor did all that just to get 10 minutes with you. I need you to do better than "I don't know." Bucky Barnes: He wanted to know about Siberia. Where I was kept. He wanted to know exactly where. Steve Rogers: Why would he need to know that? Bucky Barnes: Because I'm not the only Winter Soldier. Josef / Super Soldier #1: It hurts! Vasily Karpov: Good work. Get me out of here. Steve Rogers: Who were they? Bucky Barnes: Their most elite death squad. More kills than anyone in HYDRA history. And that was before the serum. Sam Wilson: They all turn out like you? Bucky Barnes: Worse. Steve Rogers: The doctor, could he control them? Bucky Barnes: Enough. Steve Rogers: Said he wanted to see an empire fall. Bucky Barnes: With these guys he could do it. They speak 30 languages, can hide in plain sight, infiltrate, assassinate, destabilize, They can take a whole country down in one night. You'd never see them coming. Sam Wilson: This would have been a lot easier a week ago. Steve Rogers: If we call Tony . . . Sam Wilson: No, he won't believe us. Steve Rogers: Even if he did . . . Sam Wilson: Who knows if the Accords would let him help. Steve Rogers: We're on our own. Sam Wilson: Maybe not. I know a guy. Secretary Ross: I don't suppose you have any idea where they are? Tony Stark: We will. GSG-9's got the borders covered. Recon's flying 24/7. They'll get a hit. We'll handle it. Secretary Ross: You don't get it, Stark. It's not yours to handle. It's clear you can't be objective. I'm putting Special Ops on this. Natasha Romanoff: What happens when the shooting starts? What, do you kill Steve Rogers? Secretary Ross: If we're provoked. Barnes would've been eliminated in Romania if it wasn't for Rogers. There are dead people who would be alive now. Feel free to check my math. Tony Stark: All due respect, you're not going to solve this with boys in bullets, Ross. You gotta let us bring them in. Secretary Ross: How would that end any differently from the last time? Tony Stark: Because this time, I won't be wearing loafers and a silk shirt. 72 hours, guaranteed. Secretary Ross: 36 hours. Barnes. Rogers. Wilson. Tony Stark: Thank you, sir. My left arm is numb, is that normal? Natasha Romanoff: You alright? Tony Stark: Always. 36 hours, jeez. Natasha Romanoff: We're seriously understaffed. Tony Stark: Oh, yeah. It'd be great if we had a Hulk right about now. Any shot? Natasha Romanoff: No. You really think he'd be on our side? Tony Stark: No. Natasha Romanoff: I have an idea. Tony Stark: Me too. Where's yours? Natasha Romanoff: Downstairs. Where's yours? Peter Parker: Hey, May. May Parker: Mmm. Hey. How was school today? Peter Parker: Okay. This crazy car parked outside . . . Tony Stark: Oh, Mr. Parker. Peter Parker: Um . . . What-what are you doing . . .? Hey! Uh, I'm-Im-I'm Peter. Tony Stark: Tony. Peter Parker: What are . . .what are you-what are you-what are you doing here? Tony Stark: It's about time we met. You've been getting my e-mails, right? Peter Parker: Yeah. Yeah. Tony Stark: Right? Peter Parker: Regarding the . . . May Parker: You didn't tell me about the grant. Peter Parker: About the grant. Tony Stark: The September Foundation. Peter Parker: Right. Tony Stark: Yeah. Remember when you applied? Peter Parker: Yeah. Tony Stark: I approved, so now we're in business. May Parker: You didn't tell me anything. What's up with that? You keeping secrets from me now? Peter Parker: Why, I just, I just . . . I just know how much you love surprises, so I thought I would let you know . . . wh . . . anyway, what did I apply for? Tony Stark: That's what I'm here to hash out. Peter Parker: Okay. Hash, hash out, okay. Tony Stark: It's so hard for me to believe that she's someone's aunt. May Parker: Yeah, well, we come in all shapes and sizes, you know? Tony Stark: This walnut date loaf is exceptional. Peter Parker: Let me just stop you there. Tony Stark: Yeah? Peter Parker: Is this grant, like, got money involved or whatever? No? Tony Stark: Yeah. Peter Parker: Yeah? Tony Stark: It's pretty well funded. Peter Parker: Wow. Tony Stark: Look who you're talking to. Can I have 5 minutes with him? May Parker: Sure. Tony Stark: As walnut date loaves go, that wasn't bad. Whoa, what do we have here? Retro tech, huh? Thrift store? Salvation Army? Peter Parker: Uh, the garbage, actually. Tony Stark: You're a dumpster diver. Peter Parker: Yeah, I was . . . anyway, look, um, I definitely did not apply for your grant. Tony Stark: Ah-ah! Me first. Peter Parker: Okay. Tony Stark: Quick question of the rhetorical variety. That's you, right? Peter Parker: Um, no. What do you. What do you mean? Tony Stark: Yeah. Look at you go. Wow! Nice catch. 3,000 pounds, 40 miles an hour. That's not easy. You got mad skills. Peter Parker: That's all- That's all on YouTube, though, right? I mean, that's where you found that? Because you know that's all fake. It's all done on the computer. Tony Stark: Mm-Hmm. Peter Parker: It's like that video. What is it? Tony Stark: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah . . . oh, you mean like those UFOs over Phoenix? Peter Parker: Exactly. Tony Stark: Oh, what have we here? Peter Parker: Uh . . . that's a . . . Tony Stark: So. You're the . . . Spider . . . ling. Crime-fighting Spider . . .you're Spider-Boy? Peter Parker: S . . . Spider-Man. Tony Stark: Not in that onesie, you're not. Peter Parker: It's not a onesie. I don't believe this. I was actually having a real good day today, you know, Mr. Stark. Didn't miss my train, this perfectly good DVD player was just sitting there and . . . Algebra test. Nailed it! Tony Stark: Who else knows? Anybody? Peter Parker: Nobody. Tony Stark: Not even your . . . unusually attractive aunt? Peter Parker: No. No, no. No, no. If she knew, she would freak out. And when she freaks out, I freak out. Tony Stark: You know what I think is really cool? This webbing. That tensile strength is off the charts. Who manufactured that? Peter Parker: I did. Tony Stark: Climbing the walls, how you doing that? Adhesive gloves? Peter Parker: It's a long story. I was uh . . . Tony Stark: Lordy! Can you even see in these? Peter Parker: Yes. Yes, I can! I can. I can-I can see in those. Okay? It's just that... when whatever happened, happened . . . it's like my senses have been dialed to 11. There's way too much input, so . . . they just kinda help me focus. Tony Stark: You're in dire need of an upgrade. Systemic, top to bottom. 100-point restoration. That's why I'm here. Why you doing this? I gotta know. What's your MO? What gets you outta that twin bed in the morning? Peter Parker: Because . . . because l've been me my whole life, and l've had these powers for 6 months. Tony Stark: Mm-Hmm. Peter Parker: I read books, I build computers . . . and-and yeah. I would love to play football. But I couldn't then so I shouldn't now. Tony Stark: Sure, because you're different. Peter Parker: Exactly. But I can't tell anybody that, so I'm not. When you can do the things that I can, but you don't . . . and then the bad things happen . . . they happen because of you. Tony Stark: So you wanna look out for the little guy? You wanna do your part? Make the world a better place, all that, right? Peter Parker: Yeah. Yeah just looking out . . . for the little guy. That's-that's what it is. Tony Stark: I'm gonna sit here, so you move the leg. You got a passport? Peter Parker: Uh, no. I don't even have a driver's license. Tony Stark: You ever been to Germany? Peter Parker: No. Tony Stark: Oh, you'll love it. Peter Parker: I can't go to Germany! Tony Stark: Why? Peter Parker: I got . . . homework. Tony Stark: I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that. Peter Parker: I'm-I'm being serious! I can't just drop out of school! Tony Stark: Might be a little dangerous. Better tell Aunt Hottie I'm taking you on a field trip. Peter Parker: Don't tell Aunt May. Tony Stark: Alright, Spider-Man. Get me out of this. Peter Parker: Sorry, I'll get the . . . Wanda Maximoff: What is it? Vision: Stay here, please. Clint Barton: Guess I shoulda knocked. Wanda Maximoff: Oh my god! What are you doing here? Clint Barton: Disappointing my kids. I'm supposed to go water-skiing. Cap needs our help. Come on. Vision: Clint! You should not be here. Clint Barton: Really? I retire for, what, like five minutes, and it all goes to shit. Vision: Please consider the consequences of your actions. Clint Barton: Okay, they're considered. Okay, we gotta go. It's this way. Wanda Maximoff: I've caused enough problems. Clint Barton: You gotta help me, Wanda. Look, you wanna mope, can go to high school. You wanna make amends, you get off your ass. Shit. I knew I should've stretched. Vision: Clint, you can't overpower me. Clint Barton: I know I can't. But she can. Wanda Maximoff: Vision, that's enough. Let him go. I'm leaving. Vision: I can't let you. Wanda Maximoff: I'm sorry. Vision: If you do this . . . they will never stop being afraid of you. Wanda Maximoff: I can't control their fear, only my own. Clint Barton: Oh . . . come on. We got one more stop. Attache: It's just a matter of time. Our satellites are running facial, bio-metric, and behavioral pattern scans. Security Chief: Move, or you will be moved. T'Challa: As entertaining as that would be . . . Natasha Romanoff: You really think you can find him? T'Challa: My resources are considerable. Natasha Romanoff: Yeah, it took the world 70 years to find Barnes . . . so you could probably do that in about half the time. T'Challa: You know where they are. Natasha Romanoff: I know someone who does. Sharon Carter: Not sure you understand the concept of a getaway car. Steve Rogers: It's low profile. Sharon Carter: Good, because this stuff tends to draw a crowd. Bucky Barnes: Can you move your seat up? Sam Wilson: No. Steve Rogers: I owe you again. Sharon Carter: Keeping a list. You know, he kinda tried to kill me. Steve Rogers: Sorry. I'll put it on the list, too. They're going to come looking for you. Sharon Carter: I know. Steve Rogers: Thank you, Sharon. Sharon Carter: That was . . . Steve Rogers: Late. Sharon Carter: Damn right. I should go. Steve Rogers: Okay. Clint Barton: Cap. Steve Rogers: You know I wouldn't have called If I had any other choice. Clint Barton: Hey man, you're doing me a favor. Besides, I owe a debt. Steve Rogers: Thanks for having my back. Wanda Maximoff: It was time to get off my ass. Steve Rogers: How about our other recruit? Clint Barton: He's rarin' to go. Had to put a little coffee in him, but... he should be good. Scott Lang: What timezone is this? Clint Barton: Come on. Come on. Scott Lang: Captain America. Steve Rogers: Mr. Lang. Scott Lang: It's an honor. I'm shaking your hand too long. Wow! This is awesome! Captain America. I know you, too. You're great! Jeez. Ah, look, I wanna say, I know you know a lot of super people, so . . . thinks for thanking of me. Hey, man! Sam Wilson: What's up, Tic Tac? Scott Lang: Uh, good to see you. Look, what happened last time when I . . . Sam Wilson: It was a great audition, but it'll . . . it'll never happen again. Steve Rogers: They tell you what we're up against? Scott Lang: Something about some . . . psycho-assassins? Steve Rogers: We're outside the law on this one. So, if you come with us, you're a wanted man. Scott Lang: Yeah, well, what else is new? Bucky Barnes: We should get moving. Clint Barton: We got a chopper lined up. Man On Pa #2: This is an emergency. All passengers must evacuate the airport immediately. Bucky Barnes: They're evacuating the airport. Sam Wilson: Stark. Scott Lang: Stark? Steve Rogers: Suit up. Tony Stark: Wow, it's so weird how you run into people at the airport. Don't you think that's weird? James Rhodes: Definitely weird. Steve Rogers: Hear me out, Tony. That doctor, the psychiatrist, he's behind all of this. T'Challa: Captain. Steve Rogers: Your highness. Tony Stark: Anyway, Ross gave me 36 hours to bring you in. That was 24 hours ago. Can you help a brother out? Steve Rogers: You're after the wrong guy. Tony Stark: Your judgment is askew. Your old war buddy killed innocent people yesterday. Steve Rogers: And there are five more super soldiers just like him. I can't let the doctor find them first, Tony. I can't. Natasha Romanoff: Steve . . . you know what's about to happen. Do you really wanna punch your way out of this one? Tony Stark: All right, I've run out of patience. Underoos! Nice job, kid. Peter Parker: Thanks. Well, I could've stuck the landing a little better. It's just the new suit... Well, it's nothing, Mr. Stark. It's-it's perfect. Thank you. Tony Stark: Yeah, we don't really need to start a conversation. Peter Parker: Okay. Cap . . . Captain. Big fan, I'm Spider-Man. Tony Stark: Yeah, we'll talk about it later. Just . . . Peter Parker: Hey, everyone. Tony Stark: . . . Good job. Steve Rogers: You've been busy. Tony Stark: And you've been a complete idiot. Dragging in Clint. 'Rescuing' Wanda from a place she doesn't even want to leave, a safe place. I'm trying to keep . . . I'm trying to keep you from tearing the Avengers apart. Steve Rogers: You did that when you signed. Tony Stark: Alright, We're done. You're gonna turn Barnes over, you're gonna come with us. NOW! Because it's us! Or a squad of J-SOC guys . . . with no compunction about being impolite. Come on. Sam Wilson: We found it. Their Quinjet's in hanger five, north runway. Steve Rogers: Alright, Lang. Peter Parker: Hey, guys, something . . . James Rhodes: Whoa. What-what the hell was that? Scott Lang: I believe this is yours, Captain America. Tony Stark: Oh, great. Alright, there's two on the parking deck. One of them's Maximoff, I'm gonna grab her. Rhodey, you want to take Cap? James Rhodes: Got two in the terminal, Wilson and Barnes. T'Challa: Barnes is mine! Peter Parker: Hey, Mr. Stark, what should I do? Tony Stark: What we discussed. Keep your distance. Web 'em up. Peter Parker: Okay, copy that! T'Challa: Move, Captain. I won't ask a second time. Scott Lang: Look, I really don't want to hurt you. Natasha Romanoff: I wouldn't stress about it. Bucky Barnes: What the hell is that? Sam Wilson: Everyone's got a gimmick now. Peter Parker: You have a metal arm? That is awesome, dude! You have the right to remain silent! James Rhodes: Sorry, Cap. This won't kill you but it ain't gonna tickle either. Tony Stark: Wanda, I think you hurt Vision's feelings. Wanda Maximoff: You locked me in my room. Tony Stark: Okay. First, that's an exaggeration. Second, I did it to protect you. Hey, Clint. Clint Barton: Hey, man. Tony Stark: Clearly, retirement doesn't suit you. You got tired of shooting golf? Clint Barton: Well, I played 18, I shot 18. Just can't seem to miss. Tony Stark: First time for everything. Clint Barton: Made you look. Friday: Multiple contusions detected. Tony Stark: Yeah, I detected that too. Peter Parker: Oh god. Hey buddy, I think you lost this! Those wings carbon fiber? Sam Wilson: Is this stuff coming out of you? Peter Parker: That would explain the rigidity-flexibility ratio, which, gotta say, that's awesome, man. Sam Wilson: I don't know if you've been a fight before but there's usually not this much talking. Peter Parker: Alright, sorry, my bad. Guys, look. I'd love to keep this up but I've only got one job here today and I gotta impress Mr. Stark, so, I'm really sorry. Wwahhhh! Bucky Barnes: You couldn't have done that earlier? Sam Wilson: I hate you. James Rhodes: Great. Scott Lang: Hey, Cap, heads up! Throw it at this. Now! James Rhodes: Oh, come on! Scott Lang: Oh, man. I thought it was a water truck. Uh . . . sorry. James Rhodes: Alright. Now, I'm pissed. Natasha Romanoff: Is this, part of the plan? Tony Stark: Well, my plan was to go easy on them. You wanna switch it up? Clint Barton: There's our ride. Steve Rogers: Come on! Vision: Captain Rogers. I know you believe what you're doing is right. But for the collective good you must surrender now. Sam Wilson: What do we do, Cap? Steve Rogers: We fight. Natasha Romanoff: This is gonna end well. Peter Parker: They're not stopping. Tony Stark: Neither are we. Natasha Romanoff: We're still friends, right? Clint Barton: Depends on how hard you hit me. Wanda Maximoff: You were pulling your punches. Bucky Barnes: I didn't kill your father. T'Challa: Then why did you run? Peter Parker: That thing does not obey the laws of physics at all. Steve Rogers: Look kid. There's a lot going on here that you don't understand. Peter Parker: Mr. Stark said you'd say that. Wow. He also said to go for your legs. Sam Wilson: Clint, can you get him off me? Clint Barton: Buckled in? Scott Lang: Yeah. No, I'm good. I'm good, Arrow Guy. Let's go. Let's go! Steve Rogers: Stark tell you anything else? Peter Parker: That you're wrong. You think you're right. That makes you dangerous. Steve Rogers: Guess he had a point. You got heart, kid. Where're you from? Peter Parker: Queens. Steve Rogers: Brooklyn. Tony Stark: Friday? Friday: We have some weapon systems offline. Tony Stark: They what? Scott Lang: Oh, you're gonna have to take this into the shop. Tony Stark: Who's speaking? Scott Lang: It's your conscience. We don't talk a lot these days. Tony Stark: Friday? Friday: Deploying fire suppression system. Scott Lang: Uh -oh. Oh boy. Whoa! Bucky Barnes: We gotta go. That guy's probably in Siberia by now. Steve Rogers: We gotta draw out the flyers. I'll take Vision. You get to the jet. Sam Wilson: No, you get to the jet! Both of you! The rest of us aren't getting out of here. Clint Barton: As much as I hate to admit it, if we're gonna win this one, some of us might have to lose it. Sam Wilson: This isn't the real fight, Steve. Steve Rogers: Alright, Sam, what's the play? Sam Wilson: We need a diversion, something big. Scott Lang: I got something kind of big, but I can't hold it very long. On my signal, run like hell. And if I tear myself in half . . . don't come back for me. Bucky Barnes: He's gonna tear himself in half? Steve Rogers: You're sure about this, Scott? Scott Lang: I do it all the time. I mean once . . . in a lab. Then I passed out. I'm the boss. I'm the boss. I'm the boss. I'm the boss. I'm the BOSS! Peter Parker: Holy shit! James Rhodes: Okay, tiny dude is big now. He's big now. Steve Rogers: I guess that's the signal. Sam Wilson: Way to go, Tic Tac! Tony Stark: Give me back my Rhodey. Peter Parker: I got him! Tony Stark: Okay, anybody on our side hiding any shocking and fantastic abilities they'd like to disclose, I'm open to suggestion. Scott Lang: You wanna get to them... you gotta go through me. Clint Barton: We haven't met yet. I'm Clint. T'Challa: I don't care. James Rhodes: Ahhh! Scott Lang: Get off. Something just flew in me! Natasha Romanoff: You're not gonna stop. Steve Rogers: You know I can't. Natasha Romanoff: I'm gonna regret this. Go. Peter Parker: Hey, guys, you ever see that really old movie, Empire Strikes Back? James Rhodes: Jesus, Tony, how old is this guy? Tony Stark: I don't know, I didn't carbon-date him. He's on the young side. Peter Parker: You know that part . . . where they're on the snow planet . . . with the walking thingies? Tony Stark: Maybe the kid's on to something. James Rhodes: High now, Tony. Go high. Peter Parker: YES! Ha ha! That was awesome! Scott Lang: Does anyone have any orange slices? Tony Stark: Kid, you alright? Peter Parker: Hey! Get off me! Tony Stark: Same side. Guess who. Hi. It's me. Peter Parker: Oh. Hey, man. Tony Stark: Yeah. Peter Parker: That was scary. Tony Stark: Yeah. You're done. Alright? Peter Parker: What? Tony Stark: You did a good job. Stay down. Peter Parker: No, I'm good. I'm fine. Tony Stark: Stay down. Peter Parker: No, it's good I gotta get him back! Tony Stark: You're going home or I'll call Aunt May! You're done! Peter Parker: Wait. Mr. Stark, wait! I'm not done, I'm not . . . Okay, I'm done. I'm done. Natasha Romanoff: I said I'd help you find him, not catch him. There's a difference. Vision: I'm sorry. Wanda Maximoff: Me, too. Vision: It's as I said. Catastrophe. James Rhodes: Vision, I got a bandit on my six. Vision! You copy? Target his thrusters, turn him into a glider. Tony Stark: Rhodey! James Rhodes: Tony, I'm flying dead stick. Tony Stark: RHODES! Read vitals. Friday: Heartbeat detected. Emergency medical is on its way. Sam Wilson: I'm sorry. German Innkeeper: Good morning. Room service. Helmut Zemo: Good morning, Mrs. Leiber. This is room 201. German Innkeeper: Ah, Mr. Müller. Bacon and black coffee again today? Helmut Zemo: You know me so well. German Innkeeper: Hello? Your breakfast is here. May I let myself in? Mr Müller? Mr Müller? Oh God! Bucky Barnes: What's gonna happen to your friends? Steve Rogers: Whatever it is... I'll deal with it. Bucky Barnes: I don't know if I'm worth all this, Steve. Steve Rogers: What you did all those years . . . it wasn't you. You didn't have a choice. Bucky Barnes: I know. But I did it. Tony Stark: How did this happen? Vision: I became distracted. Tony Stark: I didn't think that was possible. Vision: Neither did I. Tony Stark: The doctors say he shattered L4 through S1. Extreme laceration in the spinal cord. Probably looking at some form of paralysis. Natasha Romanoff: Steve's not gonna stop. If you don't either, Rhodey's gonna be the best case scenario. Tony Stark: You let them go, Nat. Natasha Romanoff: We played this wrong. Tony Stark: We'? Boy, it must be hard to shake the whole double agent thing, huh? It sticks in the DNA. Natasha Romanoff: Are you incapable of letting go of your ego for one goddamn second? Tony Stark: T'Challa told Ross what you did, so . . . they're coming for you. Natasha Romanoff: I'm not the one that needs to watch their back. Tony Stark: What am I looking at, Friday? Friday: Priority upload from Berlin police. Tony Stark: Fire up the chopper. Friday: The Task Force called for a psychiatrist as soon as Barnes was captured. The UN dispatched Dr. Theo Broussard from Geneva within the hour. He was met by this man. Tony Stark: Did you run facial recognition yet? Friday: What do I look like? Tony Stark: Uh, I don't know. I've been picturing a red head. Friday: You must be thinking of someone else. Tony Stark: Must be. Friday: The fake doctor is actually Colonel Helmut Zemo, Sokovian Intelligence. Zemo ran Echo Skorpion, a Sokovian covert kill squad. Tony Stark: So, what happened to the real Broussard? Friday: He was found dead in a Berlin hotel room. Where police also found a wig and facial prosthesis approximating the appearance of one James Buchanan Barnes. Tony Stark: Son of a bitch. Get this to Ross. Friday: Yes, Boss. Guard: This is the Raft Prison Control. You're clear for landing, Mr. Stark. Tony Stark: So? You got the files? Let's reroute the satellites, start facial scanning for this Zemo guy. Secretary Ross: You seriously think I'm gonna listen to you after that fiasco in Leipzig? You're lucky you're not in one of these cells. Clint Barton: The Futurist, gentlemen! The Futurist is here! He sees all! He knows what's best for you, whether your like it or not. Tony Stark: Give me a break, Barton. I had no idea they'll put you here. Come on. Clint Barton: Yeah, well, you knew they'd put us somewhere, Tony. Tony Stark: Yeah, but not some super-max floating ocean pokey. You know, this place is for maniacs. This is a place for . . . Clint Barton: Criminals? Criminals, Tony. Think that's the word you're looking for. Right? That didn't used to mean me. Or Sam, or Wanda. But here we are. Tony Stark: Because you broke the law. Clint Barton: Yeah. Tony Stark: I didn't make you. Clint Barton: La, la, la, la, la . . . Tony Stark: You read it, you broke it. Clint Barton: La, la, la, la la... Tony Stark: Alright, you're all grown up, you got a wife and kids. I don't understand, why didn't you think about them before you chose the wrong side? Clint Barton: You gotta watch your back with this guy. There's a chance he's gonna break it. Scott Lang: Hank Pym always said, you never can trust a Stark. Tony Stark: Who are you? Scott Lang: Come on, man. Sam Wilson: How's Rhodes? Tony Stark: They're flying him to Columbia Medical tomorrow. So . . . fingers cross. What do you need? They feed you yet? Sam Wilson: You're the good cop now? Tony Stark: I'm just the guy who needs to know where Steve went. Sam Wilson: Well, you better go get a bad cop, because you're gonna have to go Mark Fuhrman on my ass to get information out of me. Tony Stark: Oh, I just knocked the 'A' out of their 'AV'. We got about 30 seconds before they realize it's not their equipment. Secretary Ross: What did you do? Get it back up! Tony Stark: Just look. Because that is the fellow who was supposed to interrogate Barnes. Clearly, I made a mistake. Sam, I was wrong. Sam Wilson: That's a first. Tony Stark: Cap is definitely off the reservation but he's about to need all the help he can get. We don't know each other very well. You don't have to... Sam Wilson: Hey, it's alright. Look, I'll tell you... but you have to go alone and as a friend. Tony Stark: Easy. Secretary Ross: Stark? Did he give you anything on Rogers? Tony Stark: Nope. Told me to go to hell. I'm going back to the compound instead, but you can call me anytime. I'll put you on hold, I like to watch the line blink. Steve Rogers: You remember that time we had to ride back from Rockaway Beach in the back of that freezer truck? Bucky Barnes: Was that the time we used our train money to buy hot dogs? Steve Rogers: You blew three bucks trying to win that stuffed bear for a redhead. Bucky Barnes: What was her name again? Steve Rogers: Dolores. You called her Doll. Bucky Barnes: She's gotta be a hundred years old right now. Steve Rogers: So are we, pal. He can't have been here more than a few hours. Bucky Barnes: Long enough to wake them up. Steve Rogers: You ready? Bucky Barnes: Yeah. Tony Stark: You seem a little defensive. Steve Rogers: It's been a long day. Tony Stark: At ease, Soldier. I'm not currently after you. Steve Rogers: Then why are you here? Tony Stark: Could be your story's not so crazy. Maybe. Ross has no idea I'm here. I'd like to keep it that way. Otherwise, I gotta arrest myself. Steve Rogers: Well, that sounds like a lot of paperwork. It's good to see you, Tony. Tony Stark: You too, Cap. Hey, Manchurian Candidate, you're killing me. There's a truce here. You can drop . . . I got heat signatures. Steve Rogers: How many? Tony Stark: Uh, one. Helmut Zemo: If it's any comfort, they died in their sleep. Did you really think I wanted more of you? Bucky Barnes: What the hell? Helmut Zemo: I'm grateful to them, though. They brought you here. Please, Captain. The Soviets built this chamber to withstand the launch blast of UR-100 rockets. Tony Stark: I'm betting I could beat that. Helmut Zemo: Oh, I'm sure you could, Mr. Stark. Given time. But then you'd never know why you came. Steve Rogers: You killed innocent people in Vienna just to bring us here? Helmut Zemo: I thought about nothing else for over a year. I studied you. I followed you. But now that you're standing here, I just realized . . . there's a bit of green in the blue of your eyes. How nice to find a flaw. Steve Rogers: You're Sokovian. Is that what this is about? Helmut Zemo: Sokovia was a failed state long before you blew it to hell. No. I'm here because I made a promise. Steve Rogers: You lost someone? Helmut Zemo: I lost everyone. And so will you. An empire toppled by its enemies can rise again. But one which crumples from within? That's dead . . . forever. Tony Stark: I know that road. What is this? Howard Stark: Help my wife. Please. Help. Sergeant Barnes? Maria Stark: Howard! Howard! Steve Rogers: Tony. Tony. Tony Stark: Did you know? Steve Rogers: I didn't know it was him. Tony Stark: Don't bullshit me, Rogers! Did you know? Steve Rogers: Yes. Get out of here! It wasn't him, Tony. Hydra had control of his mind! Tony Stark: Move! Steve Rogers: It wasn't him! Friday: Left boot jet failing. Flight systems compromised. Tony Stark: Ah crap. Steve Rogers: He's not going to stop. Go. Tony Stark: Come on, come on. Friday: Targeting system's knackered, boss. Tony Stark: I'm eyeballing it. Do you even remember them? Bucky Barnes: I remember all of them. Steve Rogers: This isn't gonna change what happened. Tony Stark: I don't care. He killed my mom. Zemo'S Wife: You should've seen his little face. Just try, okay? I'm going to bed. I love you. T'Challa: I almost kill the wrong man. Helmut Zemo: Hardly an innocent one. T'Challa: This is all you wanted? To see them rip each other apart. Helmut Zemo: My father lived outside the city. I thought we would be safe there. My son was excited. He could see the Iron Man from the car window. I told my wife, "Don't worry. They are fighting in the city. We're miles from harm." When the dust cleared . . . and the screaming stopped. It took me two days until I found their bodies. My father . . . still holding my wife and son in his arms. And the Avengers? They went home. I knew I couldn't kill them. More powerful men than me have tried. But, if I could get them to kill each other . . . I'm sorry about your father. He seemed a good man. With a dutiful son. T'Challa: Vengeance has consumed you. It's consuming them. I am done letting it consume me. Justice will come soon enough. Helmut Zemo: Tell that to the dead. T'Challa: The living are not done with you yet. Friday: You can't beat him hand to hand. Tony Stark: Analyse his fight pattern. Friday: Scanning! Countermeasures ready. Tony Stark: Let's kick his ass. Steve Rogers: He's my friend. Tony Stark: So was I. Stay down. Final warning. Steve Rogers: I can do this all day. Tony Stark: That shield doesn't belong to you. You don't deserve it. My father made that shield! Everett Ross: Meals at eight and five. Toilet privileges twice a day. Raise your voice, zap. Touch the glass, zap. You step out of line, you deal with me. Please, step out of line. Hmm? So how does it feel? To spend all that time, all that effort . . . and, to see it fail so spectacularly? Helmut Zemo: Did it? Tony Stark: It's just the first pass. James Rhodes: Yeah. Tony Stark: Give me some feedback. Anything you can think of. Shock absorption. Lateral movement. Cup holder? James Rhodes: You may wanna think about some AC down in . . . Tony Stark: Let's go. I'll give you a hand. James Rhodes: No, no, don't. Don't help me. Don't help me. 138. 138 combat missions. That's how many I've flown, Tony. Every one of them could've been my last, but I flew 'em. Because the fight needed to be fought. It's the same with these Accords. I signed because it was the right thing to do. And, yeah, this sucks. This is . . . this is a bad beat. But it hasn't change my mind. I don't think. Tony Stark: You okay? James Rhodes: Oh yeah. Stan Lee: Are you Tony "Stank"? James Rhodes: Yes, this is-this is Tony "Stank". You're in the right place. Thank you for that! I'm never dropping that, by the way. Table for one, Mr. "Stank". Please, by the bathroom. Steve Rogers: Tony, I'm glad you're back at the compound. I don't like the idea of you rattling around a mansion by yourself. We all need family. The Avengers are yours, maybe more so than mine. I've been on my own since I was 18. I never really fit in anywhere, even in the army. My faith's in people, I guess. Individuals. And I'm happy to say that, for the most part, they haven't let me down. Which is why I can't let them down either. Locks can be replaced, but maybe they shouldn't. I know I hurt you, Tony. I guess I thought by not telling you about your parents I was sparing you, but I can see now that I was really sparing myself, and I'm sorry. Hopefully one day you can understand. I wish we agreed on the Accords, I really do. I know you're doing what you believe in, and that's all any of us can do. That's all any of us should . . . Friday: Priority call from Secretary Ross. There's been a breach at the Raft prison. Tony Stark: Yeah, put him through. Secretary Ross: Tony, we have a problem. Tony Stark: Ah, please hold. Secretary Ross: No. Don't . . . Steve Rogers: So, no matter what. I promise you, if you need us, if you need me, I'll be there. You sure about this? Bucky Barnes: I can't trust my own mind. So, until they figure out how to get this stuff out of my head I think going back under is the best thing . . . for everybody. Steve Rogers: Thank you for this. T'Challa: Your friend and my father, they were both victims. If I can help one of them find peace... Steve Rogers: You know, If they find out he's here . . . they'll come for him. T'Challa: Let them try. May Parker: So. Who was it? Who hit you? Peter Parker: Some guy. So itchy, man. God. May Parker: What's "some guy's" name? Peter Parker: Uh, Steve. May Parker: Steve? From 12-C? With the overbite? Peter Parker: No, no, no. You don't know him, he's from Brooklyn. Ouch. May Parker: Well . . . I hope you got a few good licks in. Peter Parker: Yeah, I got quite a few in, actually. His friend was huge. Like huge. That's way better. Thank you. May Parker: Okay, tough guy. Peter Parker: Love you, May. Hey, can you shut the door?

Meredith Quill: Do do do do do do do do do do do! Ego: This way, my river lily. Meredith Quill: Where are you taking me? Oh. It's beautiful. Ego: I was afraid it wouldn't take to the soil, but it rooted quickly. Soon it will be everywhere - all across the universe, fulfilling life's one true purpose. Meredith Quill: Which is what? Ego: Expansion. Meredith Quill: I'm not sure what you're talking about. But I like the way you say it. Ego: My heart is yours, Meredith Quill. Meredith Quill: I can't believe I fell in love with a spaceman. Peter Quill: Showtime, a-holes! It'll be here any minute! Gamora: Which will be its loss. Peter Quill: Is that a rifle? Gamora: You don't know what a rifle is? Peter Quill: I thought your thing was a sword. Gamora: We've been hired to stop an interdimensional beast from feeding on those batteries' energy, and I'm going to stop it with a sword? Peter Quill: Don't look at me like I'm stupid. You're the one being all inconsistent. Gamora: Drax, why aren't you wearing one of Rocket's aero-rigs? Drax: It hurts. Gamora: Hurts? Drax: I have sensitive nipples. What about him?! What's he doing?! Rocket: If I finish this, we can listen to tunes while we work. Drax: How is that a priority? Rocket: Blame Quill! He's the one who loves music so much! Peter Quill: I agree with Drax. It's hardly important right now. Rocket: Oh, sure, okayyyy, Quill. Peter Quill: No, I really agree with him. Rocket: Sure, I know. Drax: I can clearly see you winking. Rocket: Damn. I'm using my left eye? Groot: I am Groot. Rocket: They were not looking at you funny. Well. That's intense. Peter Quill: Groot, look - ! Gamora: Get out of the way, Groot! You're going to get hurt! Hi. Rocket: Spit it out! Spit it out! Disgusting. Drax: The beast's hide is too thick to be pierced from the outside. I must cut through it from the inside. Gamora: Huh? Drax, no! That doesn't make - Peter Quill: What is he doing?! Gamora: He said the skin is too thick to be pierced from the outside, so he - Peter Quill: That doesn't make sense! Gamora: I tried to tell - ! Peter Quill: Its skin is the same thickness from the inside as from the out! Gamora: I REALIZE THAT. Peter Quill: Gamora, there's a cut on its neck - Rocket, get it to look up. Hey, you giant Sea Monkey, up here! Drax: Ha ha! I have single-handedly vanquished the beast! What? What are they called again? Peter Quill: Anulax batteries. Drax: Harbulary batteries. Peter Quill: That's nothing like what I just said. But they're worth thousands of units a piece. Which is why the Sovereign hired us to protect them. Just be careful what you say around these folks. They're easily offended and the cost of transgression is death. Drax: Sounds judgmental for a bunch of golden morons. Peter Quill: That's the kind of thing you might want to keep to yourself. Gamora: I'll hold my tongue, as long as they deliver what was promised. Ayesha: We thank you, Guardians, for putting your life on the line. We could not risk the lives of our own Sovereign citizens. Every citizen is born exactly as designed by the community, impeccable, both physically and mentally. We control the DNA of our progeny, germinating them in birthing pods. Peter Quill: I guess I prefer making people the old-fashioned way. Ayesha: Well... perhaps someday you could give me a history lesson in the archaic ways of our ancestors... for academic purposes. Peter Quill: Yeah, I mean, if it's for research that could be pretty - Pretty repulsive. I'm not into that kind of casual - Gamora: Oh, please. Your people promised something in trade for our services. Bring it and we shall gladly be on our way. Peter Quill: Family reunion. Yaaaay. Ayesha: I understand she is your sister? Gamora: She's worth no more to me than the bounty due for her on Xandar. Ayesha: Our soldiers apprehended her attempting to steal the batteries. Do with her as you please. Peter Quill: Thank you, High Priestess Ayesha. Ayesha: What is your heritage, Mr. Quill? Peter Quill: My mother is from earth. Ayesha: And your father? Peter Quill: He's... not from Missouri, that's all I know. Ayesha: I see it within you, an unorthodox genealogy. A hybrid that seems particularly... reckless. Rocket: You know, they told me you people were conceited douchebags. But that isn't true at all. Oh, shit, I'm using my wrong eye again, aren't I? I'm sorry. That was meant to be behind your back. Drax: Count yourself blessed they didn't kill you. Rocket: You're telling me. You wanna buy some batteries? Let's get baldy back to Xandar and retrieve that bounty! Gamora: You all right? Peter Quill: That stuff about my father. Who does she think she is? Gamora: I know you're sensitive about that. Peter Quill: I'm not sensitive about it. I just don't know who he is. Sorry if it looked like I was flirting with her. I wasn't. Gamora: I don't care if you were. Peter Quill: I think you do care. That's why I'm apologizing. Drax: Gamora is not the one for you, Quill. There are two types of beings in the universe. Those who dance, and those who do not. Peter Quill: Uh huh. Drax: I first met my beloved at a war rally. Everyone in the village flailed about, dancing. Except one woman. My Ovette. I knew immediately she was the one. The most melodic song in the world could be playing, and she wouldn't even tap her foot. She wouldn't move a muscle. One might assume she was dead. Peter Quill: Well, that is pretty hot, but- Drax: It would make my nether regions engorge - Peter Quill: All right, okay, fascinating, don't need to hear it. I get your point, I'm a dancer and Gamora is not. Drax: You just need to find a woman who is pathetic, like you. Nebula: I am hungry. Hand me some of that yaro root. Gamora: No. It's not ripe yet. And I hate you. Nebula: You hate me?! You left me there while you stole that stone for yourself. Yet here you stand, a hero, a Garden of the Galaxy! Gamora: A what? 'Guardians of the Galaxy.' Nebula: Oh. Gamora: Why would we be 'the Gardens of the Galaxy'? Nebula: I don't know. I thought it was stupid. Gamora: Yeah, it would be. Nebula: It's still wordy. Gamora: I wasn't the one who thought of it. Nebula: Your name doesn't matter. I'll be free of these shackles soon enough, and I'll kill you, I swear. Gamora: No. You'll live out your days in a prison on Xandar, wishing you could. Peter Quill: We got an armed Sovereign fleet, approaching from the rear. Gamora: Why would they do that?! Drax: Probably because Rocket stole some of their batteries. Rocket: Dude. Drax: Oh, right. He didn't steal one of those. I don't know why they're after us. What a mystery this is. Peter Quill: What were you thinking?! Rocket: Dude, it was really easy to steal. Gamora: That's your defense? Rocket: Come on. You saw how that high- priestess talked down to us! I'm teaching her a lesson! Peter Quill: Oh! I didn't realize your motivation was altruism. A shame the Sovereign have mistaken your intentions and are trying to kill us. Rocket: Exactly. Peter Quill: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC! Rocket: Oh no! You tricked me! You're supposed to use a sarcastic voice! Now I look foolish! Peter Quill: SHUT UP, DRAX! You knew! You should have told us! Drax: Did you tell him it was easy to steal? Rocket: Are you kidding me? Drax: What? Rocket: You never listen to anything! Gamora: None of you listens! Can we please just put the bickering on hold until after we survive the massive space battle?! Rocket: Whoa. Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Peter Quill: Do not try to bro down with me right now, dude. I will fricking punch you in your fricking face. Rocket: Real nice! Resorting to violence. Peter Quill: More incoming! Rocket: GOOD! I WANT TO KILL SOME GUYS! Sovereign Pilot: Bloody hell! Gamora: You're not killing anyone. Those ships are all remotely piloted. Ayesha: What is the delay, Admiral? Admiral: High Priestess, if we destroy their craft, we risk destroying the batteries. They're extraordinarily combustible and could, in turn, destroy the entire fleet. Ayesha: We have thousands of batteries and thousands of ships. Our concern is their slight against our people. We hired them and they steal from us? It is heresy of the highest order. Admiral: All command modules - Fire with the intent to kill. Peter Quill: What's the closest habitable planet? Gamora: It's called Berhert. Peter Quill: How many jumps? Gamora: Only one. But the access point is 47 clicks away. And it's through that Quantum Asteroid Field over there. Drax: Quill, to make it through that, you'd have to be the greatest pilot in the universe. Peter Quill: Lucky for us - Rocket: I am. What are you doing?! Peter Quill: I've been flying this rig since I was ten years old. Rocket: I was cybernetically engineered to pilot a spacecraft! Peter Quill: You were cybernetically engineered to be a douchebag. Gamora: Stop it! Rocket: Quill, later on tonight you're gonna lay down in your bed and there's gonna be something squishy in your pillowcase and you're gonna be, like, 'what's this?' and it's gonna be because I put a turd in there. Peter Quill: You put your turd in my bed, I shave you. Rocket: Oh it won't be my turd, it will be Drax's. Drax: I have famously huge turds. Gamora: We're about to die, and this is what we're discussing? Drax: They raise havoc with the pipes. That's why I do all the plumbing. I take responsibility for my actions. Unlike some people... Peter Quill: Groot, he's right, you have to start aiming inside the box. Gamora: Stop it. Nebula: Idiots! Rocket: Well, that's what you get when Quill flies. Ow! Gamora: There's still a Sovereign craft behind us! Peter Quill: Our weapons are down! Gamora: Twenty clicks to the jump. Peter Quill: Where's he going? Frightened Pilot: Come on, Zylak, you can do this. Drax: It's not ripe. Gamora: Fifteen clicks. Ten clicks. Drax: Die, spaceship. Frightened Pilot: You suck, Zylak. Gamora: Five clicks! Peter Quill: Son-of-a-! They went around the field! Admiral: Someone destroyed all the ships. Ayesha: What?! WHO?! Rocket: What is that?! Peter Quill: Doesn't matter! That's the jump point! GO! GO! Rocket: It's a guy. Gamora: Oh my God. Peter Quill: Groot, put on your seat belt! Prepare for a really bad - Drax: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! That was awesome. Gamora: Either one of you could have gotten us through that field, if you had flown with what's between your ears instead of what's between your legs! Peter Quill: If what's between my legs had a hand on it, I guarantee I could have landed this ship. Gamora: It's not funny, Peter. We almost died. Because of your arrogance. Peter Quill: More like because he stoled Anulax batteries! Drax: They're called Harbulary batteries. Peter Quill: No, they're not! Rocket: You know why I did it, Star-Munch? Do you? Peter Quill: I'm not going to answer to 'Star- Munch.' Rocket: I DID IT BECAUSE I WANTED TO. Peter Quill: Dick. Rocket: What are we even talking about this for? We just had a little man save us by blowing up fifty ships! Drax: How little? Rocket: Like this. Gamora: A little one-inch man saved us? Rocket: Well, if he got closer I'm sure he'd be much larger. Peter Quill: That's how eyes work, you stupid raccoon. Rocket: Don't call me a raccoon! Peter Quill: Oh, I'm sorry, I meant to say 'trash panda.' Rocket: Is that better? Drax: I don't know. Peter Quill: It's worse. Rocket: YOU SON-OF-A-!! Nebula: Someone followed you through the jump point. Set me free. You'll need my help. Gamora: I'm not a fool, Nebula. Nebula: You're a fool if you deprive yourself a hand in combat. Gamora: You'll attack me the moment I let you go. Nebula: No, I won't. Peter Quill: You'd think an evil supervillain would learn how to properly lie. Drax: I bet it's the one-inch man!! Ego: After all these years, I've found you. Peter Quill: Who the hell are you? Ego: I figured my rugged good looks would make that obvious. My name's Ego. And I'm your Dad, Peter. Tullk: Yondu! Come on down! Stakar: And I was like, Aleta, I love you, but you're crazy now, you always been - Yondu: Stakar. Been some time. I'd - Stakar: Seems like this establishment is the wrong kind of disreputable. Yondu: Stakar... Stakar: There are a hundred Ravager factions, Sneeper. You just lost the business of ninety-nine by serving one. Proprietor: Please, sir! Sir! Yondu: You all can go to hell! I don't care what you think of me! Stakar: Then why you following us for?! Yondu: 'Cause you'll listen to what I got to say! Stakar: I don't got to listen to nothing! You betrayed the code! Ravagers don't deal in kids! Yondu: I didn't know what was going on - Stakar: You didn't know 'cause you didn't want to know, 'cause it made you rich! Yondu: I demand a seat at the table! I wear the flames same as you! Stakar: You may dress like a Ravager but you won't hear no Horns of Freedom when you die, boy, and the Colors of Ogord will not flash over your grave! You think I take some pleasure in exiling you, you're wrong. You broke all our hearts. Taserface: First Quill betrays us and Yondu just lets him go, scot-free. Now he's getting all riled over nothing. We followed him 'cause he was the one wasn't afraid to do what needed to be done. Seems like he's going soft. Kraglin: If he's so soft why you whispering for? Taserface: You know I'm right, Kraglin. Tullk: You best watch what you say about the Cap'n, Tay - Retch: Who the hell is that?! Ayesha: Yondu Udonta, I have a proposition for you. Ego: When your mother passed away, I hired Yondu to pick you up. I would have done so myself, but I was in the midst of an outlandish adventure at the time, battling demonic forces to save this dimension or some such nonsense - I can't quite recall, it all bleeds together after awhile. But instead of returning you, Yondu kept you. I have no clue as to why. Peter Quill: Because I was a skinny kid who could squeeze into places adults couldn't, making thieving easier. Ego: I've been trying to track you down ever since. Drax: I thought Yondu was your father. Peter Quill: What? We've been together all this time and you thought Yondu was my actual, blood relative? Drax: You look exactly alike. Rocket: One's blue. Peter Quill: He wasn't my father. Yondu was the guy who abducted me. He'd beat the crap out of me so I'd learn how to fight and he kept me in terror threatening to eat me. Ego: Eat you?! Peter Quill: Yes. Ego: That son-of-a-bitch. Gamora: How'd you locate us now? Ego: Even where I reside, out past the edge of what's known, we've heard tell of the man they call Star- Lord. Say we head out that way now? Your associates are welcome, even that triangle-faced monkey there. I promise you, it's like no place you've ever seen. And there I can explain your very special heritage, and finally be the father I've always wanted to be. 'Scuse me. I gotta take a whizz. Peter Quill: Not buying it. Gamora: Peter, we need to take a walk. Mantis: I am Mantis. Drax: What are you doing? Mantis: Smiling. I hear it is the thing to do to make people like you. Drax: Not if you do it like that. Mantis: Oh. I was raised alone on Ego's planet. I do not understand the intricacies of social interaction. Can I pet your puppy? It is adorable. Drax: Yes... Mantis: AHH! Drax: That's called a practical joke! Mantis: I liked it very much! Peter Quill: Give me a break! After all this time, and he just expects to be my Dad all of the sudden! Gamora: I hear you. Peter Quill: I mean, this could be a trap - the Kree purists, the Ravagers, now the Sovereign - they all want us dead. Gamora: I know, but - Peter Quill: But what? Gamora: What was that story you told me about Zardu Hasselfrau? Peter Quill: Who? Gamora: The wonderful television-singer man. He had a magic boat. Peter Quill: David Hasselhoff? Gamora: Right. Peter Quill: He had a talking car, not a magic - Gamora: Why did it talk again? Peter Quill: Just to be a good friend, I guess. Gamora: And as a child you carried his picture in your pocket, and you told the other children he was your father, but he was out of town - Peter Quill: Shooting Knight Rider or touring with his band in Germany. Why are you bringing this up now? I was drunk when I told you that. Gamora: I love that story. Peter Quill: I don't. It's just sad! I was so sad because I'd see the other kids off playing catch with their dads, and I wanted that, more than anything in the world. Gamora: My point is, maybe this man is your Hasselhoff. I know it's a long shot. But I lost my father as a child. I'd give anything... If he ends up being evil, we'll just kill him. What's funny? Nebula: You're leaving me with that fox?! Gamora: He's not a fox. Shoot her if she does anything suspicious. Or if you feel like it. It will just be a couple days. We'll be back before Rocket's finished fixing the ship. Drax: What about your spool of songs? Peter Quill: I have clones. Drax: What if the Sovereign come? Peter Quill: There's no way for them to know they're here. Drax: I am uncertain about parting ways. Peter Quill: You're like an old woman. Drax: Because I am wise? Rocket: Hope daddy isn't as big of a dick as you, orphan boy. Peter Quill: So what's your goal here? To get everyone to hate you? 'Cause it's working. Can I ask you a personal question? Mantis: Oh, no one has ever asked me a personal question! Peter Quill: The antennae, what are they for? Mantis: Their purpose? Drax: Yes, Quill and I have a bet. Peter Quill: You're not supposed to say that. Drax: I say that if you are about to go through a doorway that is too low, your antennae will feel this, and stop you from being decapitated. Peter Quill: Just making clear - if it's anything else - any other answer - I win? Mantis: They are not for feeling doorways. Drax: Damn. I just lost my entire life's savings. Peter Quill: Three pairs of pants. Mantis: I think they have something to do with my empathic abilities. Gamora: What are - ? Mantis: If I touch someone I can feel their feelings - Peter Quill: You read minds? Mantis: No. Telepaths know thoughts. Empaths feel feelings. Emotions. May I? You feel love. Peter Quill: Yeah, I guess, yeah, I have sort of a general, unselfish love for everyone. Mantis: No, romantic, sexual love. Peter Quill: No. No, I don't. Mantis: For her. Peter Quill: No. Drax: She just told everyone your deepest, darkest secret, Quill! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Peter Quill: What the hell, dude? That's a total overreaction. Drax: DO ME! DO ME! Mantis: I have never felt such humor! Peter Quill: You got to be kidding me. That's so incredibly uncool. Gamora: Touch me. And the only thing you're going to feel is a broken jaw. Mantis: I can also alter emotions, to some extent. Peter Quill: Like what? Mantis: If I touch someone who is sad I can ease them into contentment, for a short while. I can make a stubborn person compliant. But I mostly use it to help my Master sleep. He lies awake at night, thinking about his progeny. Drax: Do one of those on me! Mantis: Sleep. Gamora: Is that real? Peter Quill: It's kind of like someone put a baby's head on a big, muscular body, isn't it? Tall Ravager: There! Brahl: Ain't so tough now without all your toys, are you? Rocket: Crap. Yondu: Hey there, rat. Rocket: How's it going, you blue idiot? Yondu: Eh, not so bad. We got a pretty good gig. A golden gal with quite a high opinion of herself offered us a large sum to deliver you and your pals to her, so she can kill y'all. Nebula: Your friend. There's too many of them. They're going to kill him. He needs my help. If you care about him, you need to get me out of these bonds. Yondu: Pretty easy to find you, since we put a tracer on your ship back during the War over Xandar. Rocket: You give me your word you won't hurt Groot, and I'll tell you where the batteries are. Yondu: Lucky for you my word don't mean squat. Otherwise I'd actually hand you over. Taserface: Otherwise you'd what?! Yondu: We'll take the batteries. They're worth a a quarter mil on the open market - Taserface: That priestess offered us a million! A quarter is only one third of that! Yondu: A quarter ain't one-th - Oblo: A quarter is four times a million! We're in the money! Gef The Ravager: No, idiot. A quarter is twenty- five. Yondu: No - Gef The Ravager: We can't even buy a pair of boots with twenty-five units! Yondu: The point is, we aren't stupid enough to help kill the Guardians of the Galaxy. We'd have the whole Nova Corps on us. Kraglin: That ain't right. I just gotta say it this one time, Cap'n. No matter how many times Quill betrays you, you protect him, like none of the rest of us much matter. I'm the one what sticks up for you, me and Tullk. Taserface: Damn straight, lad. You're right: he's going soft. S'pose it's time for a change in leadership! Kraglin: Uh - Tullk: Put you damn guns down! Rocket: Hold on! There's got to be some sort of peaceful resolution here! Or even a violent resolution, where I'm standing over there. Nebula: Well, hello, boys. It's not ripe. Ego: Welcome, friends, to my world. Peter Quill: Wow. You have your own planet? Ego: But a trifle, no larger than your earth's moon. Drax: Humility. I like it. I too, am extraordinarily humble. Peter Quill: It's beautiful. Ego: Peter, consider this a token of a father's pride. A memorial to the War Over Xandar, when you single-handedly saved the galaxy. Gamora: Single-handedly? Peter Quill: Whoa. It's perfect. Gamora: You've got to be kidding. Drax: Why am I dead? Why did you all kill me?! Gamora: That's Ronan. That's you. Drax: When was I that tiny? Gamora: You own a planet and can destroy two dozen spaceships without a suit. What are you, exactly? Ego: I'm what they call a Celestial, sweetheart. Peter Quill: A Celestial. Like a... god? Ego: Small 'g', son. At least on the days I'm feeling humble as Drax. This form you see before you is only an extension of who I truly am. I don't know where I came from, exactly. The first thing I remember is flickering, adrift in the cosmos - utterly and entirely alone. I fed on the matter around me like plankton. I grew smarter and stronger. I formed a sheathe to protect myself from the elements. And continued building from there, layer by layer, the very planet you walk on now. I built the spires reaching up to the sky and the tunnels burrowing into its depths. Peter Quill: Wow. Ego: But I was no ant to be fulfilled solely by labor. I wanted more. I desired... meaning. There must be some life out there in the universe besides just me, I thought, and I set myself to task with finding it. I created what I imagined biological life might be like, down to the most minute detail. Drax: Did you make a penis? Peter Quill: Dude. Drax: If he's a planet, how did he make a baby with your mother? He would smush her. Peter Quill: I don't need to hear about how my parents, you know - Drax: Why? My father would tell me the story of impregnating my mother every winter solstice. Peter Quill: That's disgusting. Drax: It was beautiful. You earthers have hang-ups. Ego: Yes, Drax, I've got a penis. Peter Quill: Oh my God. Ego: It's not half bad. I've also got pain receptors, a digestive system, and all the accompanying junk. I wanted to experience what it truly meant to be human as I set out amongst the stars. I visited thousands of planets over thousands of years, one barren husk after the next until I found what I sought... Life. I was not alone in this universe after all. Peter Quill: When did you meet my mother? Ego: Not long after. It was with Meredith that I experienced love for the first time. I called her my river lily. And from that love, Peter, you. I searched for you for so long. When I heard a man from earth held an Infinity Stone in his hand without dying, I knew you must be the son of the woman I loved. Peter Quill: If you loved her why did you leave her? Tullk: You can't do this! This is mutiny! Mutiny! Oblo: Cap'n, help me! Cap'n?! Taserface: You're the one what kilt those men by leading 'em down the wrong path. Because you're weak. And stupid. It's time for the Ravagers to once again rise to glory with a new Cap'n... TASERFACE. Rocket: I'm sorry. Your name is... it's 'Taserface'? Taserface: That's right. Rocket: Do you... shoot tasers out of your face? Taserface: It's metaphorical! Rocket: For what? Taserface: It's a name what strikes fear in anyone what hears it! Rocket: Really?... Okay, sure. Taserface: You shut up! You're next! Udonta, I been waiting to do this for a long ti - What?! What?! Rocket: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I just keep imagining you waking up one morning, looking in the mirror, and, in all seriousness, saying 'You know what would be a really kickass name? Taserface!' What was your second choice?! Scrotum Hat?! Taserface: New plan. We're killing you first. Rocket: Well, dying is certainly better than having to live an entire life as a moronic shitbag who thinks 'Taserface' is a cool name. Nebula: That's enough killing for today. Taserface: Thought you were the biggest sadist in the galaxy. Nebula: That was when Daddy was paying my bills. The Priestess wants to kill the fox herself. And he - has bounties on his head in at least twelve Kree provinces. I assure you, I am not as easy a mark as an old man without his magic stick or a talking woodland beast. I want ten percent of the take, and a couple more things. Kraglin: We got a whole box of hands if that one don't work out. Nebula: It's fine. Kraglin: You think them Kree is gonna execute the Cap'n? Nebula: The Kree consider themselves merciful. It will be painless. Kraglin: Well, there it is, best ship we got. The location of Ego's planet's in the nav. We'll wire you the ten percent when we's paid. What you gonna do with your share? Nebula: As a child my father would have Gamora and me battle one another in 'training.' Every time my sister prevailed my father would replace a piece of me with machinery, claiming he wanted me to be her equal. But she won, again and again and again. Never once refraining. Because of them, I am this. So after I murder my sister, I will buy a warship with every conceivable instrument of death. I will hunt my father like a dog and I will tear him apart slowly, piece by piece, until he knows some semblance of the profound and unceasing pain I know every single day. Kraglin: Yeah... I was talking about, like, a pretty necklace. Or a nice hat. Something that'll make the other girls go 'oooooo, that's nice.' Anyway, uh, happy trails. Peter Quill: My mother told everyone my father was from the stars. She had brain cancer - so everyone thought she was delusional. Ego: Peter - Peter Quill: Listen. I'd love to believe all of this, I really would - but you left the most wonderful woman ever, to die alone! Ego: I didn't want to leave your mother, Peter. But if I don't return regularly to this planet, and the light within, this form will wither and perish - Peter Quill: So why didn't you come back?! Why'd you send Yondu, a criminal, of all people, to fetch me?! Ego: I loved your mother, Peter! I couldn't stand to set foot on an earth where she wasn't living! You can't imagine what that's like! Peter Quill: I know exactly what that's like! I had to watch her die! Ego: Over the millions and millions of years of my existence I have made many mistakes, Peter. But you're not one of them. Please give me the chance to be the father she would want me to be. There are so many things I need to teach you. This planet, and the light within... they are a part of you. Peter Quill: What do you mean? Ego: Give me your hands, son. Here. Hold them like that. Now close your eyes and concentrate. Take your brain to the center of the planet. Yes! Yes! Peter Quill: Whoa. Ego: Yes, yes - it's okay. Just relax. Concentrate. You can do it. Bring it back. Yes, yes, now - shape it - Feel the energy. Yes. You're home, Peter. Here. Drax: How did you get here? Mantis: Ego found me in my larva state, orphaned on my homeworld. He raised me by hand, and kept me as his own. Drax: So you're a pet? Mantis: I suppose. Drax: People usually want cute pets. Why would Ego want a hideous one? Mantis: I am hideous? Drax: You're horrifying to look at, yes. But it is a good thing. Mantis: Oh? Drax: When you are ugly and someone loves you, you know they love you for who you are. Beautiful people never know who to trust. Mantis: Well, then I am certainly grateful to be ugly! Poor Gamora. She can never trust anyone. Drax: Those pools remind me of a time I took my daughter to visit the Forgotten Lakes on my homeworld. She was like you. Mantis: Disgusting? Drax: Innocent. Mantis: I have never met anyone like you, or your friends. You are filled with such... love. It is a thing I did not know existed, not like this, and I think... I think it may be the very finest of all things. It both hurts and soothes the heart. Drax, there is something I must tell - Gamora: What's going on? Mantis: I am learning many things. Like I am a pet and ugly. Gamora: You're not ugly. Drax. Mantis, can you show us where we'll be staying? I'm getting eye-strain in this place. Why are there no other beings on this planet? Mantis: The planet IS Ego. A dog would not invite a flea to live on his back. Gamora: And you're not a flea? Mantis: I'm a flea with a purpose. I help him sleep. Gamora: What were you about to say to Drax before I walked out? Mantis: Nothing. Your quarters are this way. Taserface: We'll deliver you to the Kree in the morning. Neither one of you gonna last much longer after that. Rocket: Okay, Taserface. See you later, Taserface. Hey, Taserface, tell the other guys we said hi, Taserface! Gef The Ravager: What about the little plant? Can I smash it with a rock? Taserface: No, Gef! It's too adorable to kill. Bring it to the tailor. Rocket: No offense, but your employees are a bunch of jerks. Yondu: I was a Kree battle-slave for twenty years when Stakar freed me. He offered me a place in the Ravagers. Said all I needed to do was adhere to the code. But I was young and greedy and stupid - like you stealing those batteries. Rocket: That was mostly Drax. Yondu: Me and Stakar, and the other captains - we weren't so different from you and your friends. The only family I ever had. But I broke the code. They exiled me. These ones here are the ones who followed - of course they're jerks. Which is what I deserve. Rocket: Slow down, drama queen. You might deserve this, but I don't. We gotta get out of here. Yondu: Where's Quill? Rocket: Went off with his old man. Yondu: Ego? Rocket: Yeah. It's a day for dumbass names. You smiled and for a second I got a warm feeling, but then it was ruined by those disgusting-ass teeth. Ever heard of floss? Yondu: You're like a professional asshole or - ? Rocket: Pretty much a pro. Why didn't you deliver Quill to Ego like you promised? Yondu: He was skinny, could fit into places we couldn't. Good for thieving. I got an idea on how to get outta here. But we're gonna need your little friend. Retch: Lil' feller's all worked up! Needs a drank! Lookit how cute it is when it's all riled up! Half-Nut: It's Goddang precious! Yondu: Hey, twig. C'mere. Rocket: Oh, man. What'd they do to you? Yondu: Hey, you wanna help us get outta here? There's something I need you to get, and bring back to me. In the Cap'n's quarters, there's a prototype fin, like the thing I wore on my head. There's a drawer next to the bunk. It's inside that. It's red. You got it? That's my underwears. Rocket: Yeah, I was pretty sure he didn't know what you were talking about. You have to explain it more careful. Yondu: All right. It's a prototype fin - Rocket: That's an orloni. It's a fin, Groot. Yondu: You explain it this time. That's Vorker's eye. He takes it out when he sleeps. Go look again. Rocket: But leave the eye here. Yondu: Why? Rocket: He's gonna wake up tomorrow and he's not gonna know where his eye is! That's a desk. We told you it was this big. Tell me you guys have a refrigerator somewhere with a bunch of severed human toes. Okay, then let's just agree to never discuss this. Yondu: The drawer you want to open. Has this symbol on it, okay? What? No. Rocket: He thinks you want him to wear it as a hat. Yondu: That's not what I said. Groot: I am Groot. Rocket: He's relieved that you don't want him to. Groot: I am Groot. Rocket: He hates hats. Groot: I am Groot. Rocket: On anyone, not just himself. Groot: I am Groot. Rocket: One minute you think someone has a weird-shaped head. The next minute, it's just because you realize part of that head is a hat. That's why you don't like hats? Yondu: This is an important conversation right now? Rocket: No. Let's try again. Kraglin: That ain't it. I didn't mean to do a mutiny. They killed all my friends. Yondu: Go get the third quadrant ready for release. Rocket: One more thing. You got any clones of Quill's old music on the ship? Taserface: He's got it! HE'S GOT IT! YONDU'S GOT THE DAMN FIN! Retch: GO! Scurrilous Ravager: Down there! Rocket: You maniac. The whole ship is gonna blow. Yondu: Not the whole ship. Chambermaid: Who is this? You're not supposed to be on this line. Taserface: I'm sending you the coordinates for Yondu's ship. Yondu: Release the quadrant. Kraglin: Aye Capn' Taserface: I only ask one thing. That your High Priestess tells him the name of the man what sealed his fate: Taserface. Kraglin: Where to, Cap'n? Rocket: Ego. Yondu: NO, BOY! It ain't healthy for a mammalian body to hop over fifty jumps at a time. Rocket: I know that. Yondu: We're about to do seven-hundred. Peter Quill: So I guess this could all be mine someday. Gamora: Rocket? Rocket, you there? Dammit. What are you doing, Peter? Peter Quill: Dance with me. Gamora: No. I'm not - Peter Quill: Come on. This is Sam Cooke, one of the greatest Earth singers of all time. Drax thinks you're not a dancer. Gamora: If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll kill you. Peter Quill: When are we going to do something about this... unspoken thing between us? Gamora: What unspoken thing? Peter Quill: This Cheers-Sam-and-Diane-guy-and- girl-on-a-TV-show-who-dig-each- other-but-never-say-it-'cause-when- they-do-the-ratings-would-go-down sort of thing? Gamora: There is no unspoken thing between us. Peter Quill: Well, that's a Catch-22. Because if you said there was, it would be spoken, and then you'd be a liar. So by saying there isn't, you're telling the truth, and admitting there is. Gamora: That's not - What we should be discussing right now is that something about this place doesn't feel right. Peter Quill: What are you talking about? You were the one who wanted me to come here! Gamora: That girl, Mantis. She's afraid of something. Peter Quill: Why are you trying to take this from me? Gamora: I'm not - Peter Quill: He's my father. He's blood - Gamora: You have blood on earth. You never wanted to return there. Peter Quill: Again - you made me come here! And Earth?! Earth is the place my mother died in front of me. Gamora: No, it's because that's real, and this is a fantasy. Peter Quill: This is real. I'm only half human, remember? Gamora: That's the half I'm worried about. Peter Quill: Oh, I get it. You're jealous because I'm part god! You like me being the weak one! Gamora: Uh. You were insufferable to begin with. I haven't been able to reach Rocket. I'm going to see if I can get a signal outside. Peter Quill: You know, this isn't Cheers after all. It's whatever the show is where one person is willing to, you know, open themselves up to new possibilities, and the other person is just kind of a jerk who doesn't trust anyone! It's a show that doesn't exist - it would never be made, it would be so horrible! It would get zero ratings! Gamora: You're having a conversation with yourself! I don't know what Cheers is! Peter Quill: I finally found my family, don't you understand that!? Gamora: I thought you already had. Peter Quill: So this is how it ends, then? Our whole story. Like this? You and me? Gamora: Get it through your head, Peter. There is no you and me. There never was. Dammit. You psychopath. Are you kidding me?! Nebula: I win. I win. I bested you in combat. Gamora: Uh, no, I just spared your life - Nebula: You were stupid enough to let me live so - Gamora: You just let me live! Nebula: I WIN! Gamora: Nebula, I really don't need this. My day has been bad enough - Nebula: I don't need you always trying to beat me! Gamora: I'm not the one who just flew across the universe because I wanted to win! Nebula: Don't tell me what I want! Gamora: I don't have to because you make it obvi - Nebula: YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WANTED TO WIN, I JUST WANTED A SISTER! You were all I had, but you were the one who needed to win! Thanos pulled my eye from my head and my brain from my skull and my arm from my body because of you! Ego: You all right, son? I saw your girl stomp off earlier in quite a huff. Peter Quill: Yeah. Ego: It's fortuitous you're listening to this song. Peter Quill: You know - ? Ego: 'Brandy' by Looking Glass. A favorite of your mom's. Peter Quill: Yes. Ego: One of earth's greatest musical compositions. Perhaps its very greatest. Peter Quill: Yeah, it is. Ego: You and I, Peter, we're the sailor in the song. He came on a summer's day, bringing gifts from far away - like the child I put in your mother, or the freedom you brought Gamora. Brandy, you're a fine girl, what a good wife you would be. But my life, my love, my lady is the sea. The sea calls the sailor back. He loves the girl, but that's not his place. The sea calls upon him as history calls upon great men, and sometimes we are deprived the pleasures of mortals. Peter Quill: Well, you might not be mortal, but me - Ego: Death will remain a stranger to both of us as long as the light burns within the planet. Peter Quill: I'm immortal? That's... really? Ego: Yes, as long as the light exists. Peter Quill: And I can use the light to make cool things? Like how you made all this? Ego: It'll take thousands of years of practice before you get really good at it . But, yes. Peter Quill: Well, get ready for an eight hundred foot statue of Pac Man, then. With Skeletor. And Heather Locklear. I'm gonna make some weird shit. Ego: I can't wait to see your weird shit. Peter Quill: Wow, that... Ego: Came out a little disgusting. It is a tremendous responsibility, Peter. Only we can remake the universe. Only we can take the bridle of the cosmos and lead it where it needs to go. Peter Quill: How? Ego: Come with me. Mantis: Drax! Drax! Drax, we need to talk - Drax: Ugh. I am sorry, but I like a woman with some meat on her bones. Mantis: What? Drax: I tried to let you down easily by telling you I found you disgusting. Mantis: No! That's not what I - What are you doing?! Drax: I'm imagining being with you physically! Mantis: Drax, that's not - I don't like you like that. I don't even like the type of thing you are. Drax: Hey! There's no need to get personal! Mantis: Listen! Ego's gotten exactly what he wanted. I should have told you earlier, I am stupid. You are in danger. Gamora: What's that? Ego: You need to readjust the way you process life. Everything around us - including the girl - is temporary. We are forever. Peter Quill: Doesn't eternity get boring? Ego: Not if you have a purpose, Peter. Which is why you're here. I told you how all those years ago I had an unceasing impulse to find life. I didn't tell you how when I did find it, it was all so... disappointing. And that is when I came to a profound realization. My innate desire to seek out other life was not so that I could walk among that life. Peter, I had found meaning. Peter Quill: I see it. Eternity. Gamora: Oh my God. Nebula: We need to get off this planet. Stan Lee: Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, that time I was a World War II vet - Yondu: What the hell you doing, boy?! Rocket: I could tell by how you talked about him - this Ego is bad news. We're here to save Quill. Yondu: For what? For 'honor'? For 'love'? Rocket: No! I don't care about those things! I want to save Quill so I can prove I'm better than him! I can lord this over him forever! What are you laughing at me for?! Yondu: You can fool yourself and everyone else but you can't fool me. I know who you are. Rocket: You don't know anything about me, loser. Yondu: I know everything about you. I know you play like the meanest and the hardest 'cause you actually the most scared of all. Rocket: Shut up. Yondu: I know you steal batteries you don't need and you push away anyone who's willing to put up with you, 'cause just a little bit of love reminds you how big and empty that hole inside you actually is! Rocket: I said, shut up. Yondu: I know the scientists what made you never gave a rat's ass about you - Rocket: I'm serious, dude - ! Yondu: Just like my own damn parents, who sold me, their own little baby, into slavery! I know who you are, boy, because you're me. Rocket: What kind of pair are we? Yondu: The kind that's about to go fight a planet I reckon. Rocket: All right, okay, that's - Wait. Fight a what? Drax: Hey! Gamora: Who are you people?! What is this place?! Drax: What is she doing here? Nebula: Just watching the fireworks. Drax: Gamora, let her go! Gamora: The bodies in the caverns, who are they?! Mantis: You are scared. Ego: I call it the Expansion. It is my purpose. And now it's yours as well. Peter Quill: It's beautiful. Ego: Over thousands of years I implanted thousands of extensions of myself on thousands of worlds. I needed to fulfill life's one true purpose: to grow and to spread, covering all that exists, until everything... is me. Gamora: What did she do to me?! Drax: She already told me everything. Ego: I only had one problem. A single Celestial doesn't have enough power for such an enterprise. But two Celestials - well now, that just might do. Mantis: The bodies are his children. Ego: Out of all my labors the most beguiling was attempting to graft my DNA with that of another species. I hoped the result of such a coupling would be enough to power the expansion. I had Yondu deliver some of them to me. It broke the Ravager code - but I compensated him generously. And, to ease his conscience, I told him I would never hurt them. That was true. They never felt a thing. But, one after the other, they failed me. None of them had the Celestial genes. Until you, Peter. Out of all my spawn, only you have carried the connection to the light. Gamora: We need to find Peter now and get off this damn planet. Mantis: Ego will have won him to his side by now. He has a way of - Nebula: Then we just go. Gamora: No. He's our friend. Nebula: All any of you do is yell at each other. You're not friends. Drax: You're right. We're family. We leave no one behind. Except maybe you. Nebula: Oh my god. Ego: For the first time in my life, I am truly not alone. What is it, son? Peter Quill: My friends. Ego: That's the mortal in you, Peter. Peter Quill: Yes. I don't need that. Ego: What are we? Peter Quill: Forever. Ego: What are they? Peter Quill: Temporary. Ego: You think you love them. But love is merely an evolutionary trick in the service of reproduction. We are beyond such things. Peter Quill: Yes. Ego: Now - Peter Quill: But my mother. You said you loved my mother. Ego: That I did. My river lily, who knew the words to every song that came on the radio. I returned to earth to see her three times. I knew if I came back a fourth, I'd never leave. The expansion, the reason for my very existence would be over. So I did what I had to do. But it broke my heart to put that tumor in her head. Peter Quill: Wh- what? Ego: I know that sounds bad - Who in the hell do you think you are? Peter Quill: You killed my mother! Ego: I tried so hard to find the form that best suited you, and this is the thanks I get? You really need to grow up. I wanted to do this together! But I suppose you'll have to learn by spending the next thousand years as a battery, 'Star-Lord'. Gamora: Rocket?! Rocket: Keep that transmitter nearby so I can find you. We're in an old piece of construction equipment Yondu once used to slice open the Bank of A'askavaria. Gamora: Ego's unhinged - Rocket: I know. Get ready. Yondu: Drop it, Kraglin! Rocket: I got a plan. Yondu: What is it? Rocket: It's pretty simple. Peter Quill: NO. Ego: 'My life, my love, my lady is the sea'? Peter, THIS IS THE SEA. Yondu: Hey there, Jackass. Drax: Out of the way, dumber, smaller Groot. Gamora: I told you something didn't feel right. Peter Quill: 'I told you so.' That's really what I need right now. Gamora: I came back, didn't I? Peter Quill: Because there's an unspoken thing. Gamora: There is no unspoken thing. Drax: What are you doing? You could have killed us all crashing in here like that! Rocket: Uh, 'Thank you, Rocket'? Drax: We had it under control. Mantis: We did not. That is only an extension of his true self. He will be back soon. Peter Quill: What's Smurfette doing here!? Nebula: Back rubs, dishes, killing gods, whatever I need to do to get a damn ride home. Rocket: She tried to murder me! Nebula: I saved you, you stupid fox. Gamora: He's not a fox. Groot: I am Groot. Rocket: I'm not a raboon either! Groot: I am Groot. Rocket: 'Raccoon,' whatever! Drax: How do we kill a Celestial? Peter Quill: There's the center to him - his brain, his soul, whatever it is, in some sort of shell - Mantis: It's in the caverns below the surface. Peter Quill: YONDU? Nebula: If he's got that fin back, I am so screwed. Yondu: Thrusters are out! Peter Quill: I guess I should be glad I was a skinny kid. Otherwise you would have delivered me to this maniac! Yondu: You still reckon that's the reason I kept you around, you idiot?! Peter Quill: That's what you told me, you old doofus! Yondu: Once I figured out what happened to them other kids, I wasn't gonna just hand you over. Peter Quill: You said you were gonna eat me! Yondu: That was being funny! Peter Quill: Not to me!! Rocket: You people have issues. Peter Quill: Of course I have issues that's my fricking father!!... Thrusters are back up. Yondu: We should be going up! Peter Quill: We can't. Ego wants to eradicate the universe as we know it. We have to kill him. Rocket! Rocket: Got it. So, we're saving the galaxy again? Peter Quill: I guess. Rocket: Awesome. We'll really be able to jack up our prices if we're two- time-galaxy savers. Peter Quill: I seriously can't believe that is where your mind goes. Rocket: It was just a random thought, man! I thought we were friends! Of course I care about the planets, and the buildings, and all of the animals on the planets. Peter Quill: And the people. Rocket: Meh. Mantis: The crabby puppy is so cute he makes me want to die! Drax: Your suicidal thoughts sadden me, but your wish will likely come true. Ayesha: Pilots, release envoy units! Our sensors detect the batteries are below the surface of the planet. Dive! Kraglin: Uhh... Cap'n? Cap'n? Yondu: So why'd Ego want you here? Peter Quill: He needs my genetic connection to the light to help destroy the universe. He tried to teach me how to control the power. Yondu: So could you? Peter Quill: A little. I made a ball. Yondu: A ball? Peter Quill: I thought as hard as a could, that's all I could come up with. Yondu: You 'thought'? You think when I make this arrow fly I use my head? Peter Quill: What do you use? Gamora: Whoa. Mantis: There! Thats Ego's core. Gamora: That ore's thick. Rocket, we're gonna need to use the big laser. Mantis: We must hurry. It will not take Ego long to find us. Rocket: Keep it still! Peter Quill: We drill into the center, we kill him. Yondu: What is it, Kraglin? Kraglin: Um, remember that Ayesha chick? Yondu: Yeah, why? Aw, hell. Peter Quill: Why aren't you firing the laser?! Rocket: They blew out the generator! I think I packed a small detonator. Nebula: A detonator is worthless without explosives! Rocket: We got these! Peter Quill: Is it strong enough to kill Ego? Rocket: If it is, it will cause a chain reaction throughout his entire nervous system. Peter Quill: Meaning what? Rocket: The entire planet will explode. We'll have to get out of here fast. I rigged a timer. Peter Quill: Go! Mantis: He's coming. Drax: Didn't you say you could make him sleep? Mantis: When he wants! He's too powerful! I can't! Drax: You don't have to believe in yourself because I believe in you. Mantis: SLEEP! Drax: I never thought she'd be able to do it. With as skinny and weak as she appears to be. Mantis: I don't know how long I can hold him! Gamora: You need to, girl. If you don't keep Ego at bay, we all die. Rocket: The metal is too thick! For the bomb to work we'd actually need to place it on Ego's core. And our fat butts ain't gonna fit through those tiny holes. Peter Quill: Well... Rocket: That's a terrible idea. Peter Quill: Which is the only kind of idea we got left. Rocket: Unbelievable. 'Rocket, do this. Rocket, do that.' Peter Quill: Uh, what a day. Rocket: All right. First you flick this switch, then this switch. That activates it. And then you push this button, which will give you five minutes to get out of there. Whatever you do don't push this button, because that will set off the bomb immediately, and we'll all be dead. Now repeat back what I just said. Groot: I am Groot. Rocket: Uh huh. Groot: I am Groot. Rocket: That's right. Groot: I am Groot. Rocket: No! That's the button that will kill everyone! Try again. Groot: I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. Rocket: No! That's exactly what you just said! How is that even possible?! Which button is the button you're supposed to push?! Point to it. NO!!! Peter Quill: Hey, you're making him nervous! Rocket: Shut up! And give me some tape! Does anyone have any tape out there!? I want to put some tape over the death button! Peter Quill: I don't have any tape. Let me check. Yo, Yondu, do you have any - ow! - do you have any tape?! No one has any tape. Rocket: Not a single person has tape? Peter Quill: You have priceless batteries and an atomic bomb in your bag! If anyone had tape it would be you! Rocket: That's exactly my point! I have to do everything! Peter Quill: Dude, you're wasting time! Rocket: We're all gonna die. Yondu: We're done for without the generator. Ayesha: Guardians! Perhaps it will provide you solace that your deaths are not without purpose. They will serve as a warning to all of those tempted with betraying us; don't screw with the Sovereign. Yondu: This is gonna hurt. Nebula: Promises, promises. Drax: Hey! Ayesha: NO!! NO! NOOOOO!! Peter Quill: We're gonna blow! Gamora: Peter? Yondu: What? Peter Quill: You look like Mary Poppins. Yondu: Is he cool? Peter Quill: Yeah. He's cool. Yondu: I'm Mary Poppins, y'all! Peter Quill: Oh. Wow. Drax: She's just unconscious. Peter Quill: How long before the bomb goes off? Rocket: In the unlikely event Groot doesn't kill us all, about six minutes. Yondu: Kraglin. We need the Quadrant for extraction in T-minus five minutes. Kraglin: Aye, Cap'n! Peter Quill: Someone needs to be up top when Kraglin arrives. Drax, take Mantis. Drax: Ahhh! My nipples! Peter Quill: Gamora!! Nebula: Oh, get over it. Gamora: We have to get up to the extraction point! Ego: I told you I don't want to do this alone. You cannot deny the purpose the universe has bestowed upon you! Officer Fitzgibbon: Please, everyone. Step back. I need you all to clear the - Weird Old Man: What is that? Grandpa Quill: Come on, ma'am. Ego: It doesn't need to be like this Peter Why are you destroying our chance?! Stop pretending you aren't, what you are! One in billions... Trillions, even more! What greater meaning could life possibly have to offer?! Yondu: I don't use my head to fly the arrow, boy! I use my h - Peter Quill: You shouldn't have killed my mom and squished my walkman. Rocket: Groot! Groot, if you can can hear me, hurry up - I'm not sure how long Quill can keep him distracted! Yondu! We're about to blow! Yondu: Get to the ship. Rocket: Not without Quill. Yondu: You gotta take care of the twig. Rocket: Not without you. Yondu: I ain't done nothing right my whole damn life, rat. You need to give me this. Rocket: A space suit and an aero rig. I only have one of each. Groot: I am Groot. Yondu: What's that? Rocket: He says welcome to the frickin' Guardians of the Galaxy... only he didn't use 'frickin'. Yondu: Bye, twig. Rocket: We're gonna need to have a discussion about your language. Gamora: Where's Peter? Rocket, where is he?! Rocket?! Rocket, look at me! Where is he?! I'm not leaving without him. Rocket: I'm sorry. I can only afford to lose one friend today. Kraglin, GO! Drax: Wait. Is Quill back? Rocket, where's Quill?! Where's Quill?! WHERE'S QUILL?! Ego: No, we need to stop it! Listen to me! You are a god! If you kill me, you'll just be like everyone else! Peter Quill: What's so wrong with that? Ego: NO - Yondu: He may have been your father, boy. But he wasn't your daddy. Peter Quill: What? Yondu: I'm sorry I didn't do it right. I'm damn lucky you're my boy. Peter Quill: What? Yondu, you can't! What are you doing? What are you doing?! Yondu. Yondu, no! No. No! The other day I told Gamora how I used to pretend my dad was David Hasselhoff. He's a singer and actor from earth... a really famous guy. And, you know, today it struck me. Yondu didn't have a talking car, but he did have a flying arrow. And he didn't have the voice of an angel, but he did have the whistle of one. And both David Hasselhoff and Yondu went on kickass adventures, and hooked up with hot women, and fought robots. So, the thing is, David Hasselhoff kinda did end up being my Dad after all, only he was Yondu. I had a pretty cool Dad. Quill starts to break down. And what I'm trying to say here is, that thing you're searching for your whole life, sometimes it's right there by your side all along and you don't even know it. Groot: I am Groot? Rocket: Yeah. That's the friend I was talking about. Groot: I am Groot. Rocket: He did call you 'twig.' Gamora: Nebula. I was just a child. Like you. I was concerned with staying alive until the next day - every day. And I never considered what Thanos was doing to you. I am sorry. I'm trying to make it right, everything I did. Peter Quill: There are little girls like you were - little boys - all over the universe - who are in danger. You can stay with us, and help them. Nebula: I'll help them by killing Thanos. Gamora: I don't know if that's possible. You'll always be my sister. Kraglin: Pete. Cap'n found this for you in a junker shop. Said someday you'd come back to the fold. It's called a Zune - what everyone listens to on earth nowadays. It's got three hundred songs. Peter Quill: Wait. Rocket grabbed the pieces and reassembled them. I think Yondu would want you to have it. Kraglin: Thank you... Cap'n. Rocket: They came. Drax: What is it? Rocket: I sent word to Yondu's old Ravager buddies and told them what he did. Peter Quill: It's a Ravager funeral. Martinex: He didn't let us down after all, Cap'n. Stakar: No, he did not, son. He did not. Charlie-27: Fare thee well, old friend. Aleta: See you in the stars, Yondu Udonta. Rocket: He didn't chase 'em away. Peter Quill: No. Rocket: Even though he yelled at 'em. And was always mean. And he stole batteries he didn't need. Peter Quill: Of course not. What? Gamora: It's just some unspoken thing. Mantis: It's beautiful. Drax: It is. And so are you. On the inside. Stakar: It's a shame it takes a tragedy like losing Yondu to bring us all back together. But I think he'd be proud if he knew we were working as a team again. What say we steal some shit? Charlie-27: In. Martinex: Dope. Mainframe: I MISSED you guys! Aleta: Hell. Yes. Chambermaid: High Priestess, the Council is waiting. Ayesha: They are perturbed I have wasted our resources. When they see what I have created here, their wrath will dissipate, though it will be some time. Chambermaid: That is not just another birthing pod, ma'am? Ayesha: That, my child, is the next step in our evolution: more powerful, more beautiful, and more capable of destroying the Guardians of the Galaxy. I think I shall call him... 'Adam'. Peter Quill: Dude, seriously, you got to clean up your room. It's a complete mess. Groot: I am Groot. Peter Quill: I'm not boring, man. You're boring. Once I got stuck on a planet where everyone was just lines and dots. I had to use geometry to get out of prison. Is that boring? You know what's boring? Not doing the dishes. What's boring is me tripping over your vines everywhere. Drax and I switched pants in the middle of that party last weekend. For no reason other than we're awesome and very much not boring. Once I got a venereal disease that made me float for three days... Don't tell Gamora... it's dormant, but... If that's boring then, I guess I'm boring. I'm not boring. What's boring is when you roll your eyes like that at me and make an exasperated sound like I'm an old, boring, stupid idiot. Now I know how Yondu felt. Yondu.

Adrian Toomes: Things are never gonna be the same now. I mean, look at this. You got aliens. You got big green guys tearing down buildings. When I was a kid, I used to draw cowboys and Indians. Phineas Mason: Actually, it's Native American, but whatever. Adrian Toomes: Yeah. Tell you what, though. It ain't bad, is it? Phineas Mason: No. Yeah. Kid's got a future. Adrian Toomes: Yeah, well... We'll see, I guess. No, hey! Uh-uh! You can't saw through that stuff. These alien bastards are tough. You gotta use the stuff they use. See? Herman Schultz: All right. Adrian Toomes: All right. Oh, hey! Glad you could join us. Afternoon. Jackson Brice: Yeah. My alarm didn't go off. Adrian Toomes: Yeah, yeah, yeah, your alarm. Look, just go stack that armor plating like I asked you. This is a huge deal for us. Anne Marie Hoag: Attention, please! In accordance with Executive Order 396B, all post-battle cleanup operations are now under our jurisdiction. Thank you for your service. We'll take it from here. Adrian Toomes: Who the hell are you? Dodc Agent: Qualified personnel. Adrian Toomes: Look, I have a city contract to salvage all this, okay, with the city, so- Anne Marie Hoag: I apologize, Mr. Toomes, but all salvage operations are now under our jurisdiction. Please turn over any and all exotic materials that you've collected, or you will be prosecuted. Adrian Toomes: Ma'am, what am I- Please. Come here. Hey, lady, come on. Look... I bought trucks for this job. I brought in a whole new crew. These guys have a family. I have a family. I'm all in on this. I could lose my house. Anne Marie Hoag: I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing I can do. Dodc Agent: Maybe next time, don't over extend yourself. Adrian Toomes: What'd you say? Yeah, he's right. I overextended myself. Worker: Don't do it. Anne Marie Hoag: Put them down. If you have a grievance, you may take it up with my superiors. Adrian Toomes: Your superiors. Who the hell are they? News Anchor: A joint venture between Stark Industries and the federal government, the Department of Damage Control will oversee the collection and storage of alien and other exotic materials. Herman Schultz: So now the assholes who made this mess are being paid to clean it up. Phineas Mason: Yeah, it's all rigged. News Anchor: Experts estimate there are over fifteen hundred tons of exotic material scattered throughout the tri-state area. Worker: Hey, chief! We still have another load from yesterday. We're supposed to turn this in, right? Jackson Brice: I ain't hauling it. Phineas Mason: It's too bad. We could have made some pretty cool stuff from all that alien junk. Adrian Toomes: I tell you what, let's keep it. The world's changing. It's time we change, too. There you go, Mason. Business is good. Peter Parker: New York. Queens. It's a rough borough, but hey, it's home. Happy Hogan: Who are you talking to? Peter Parker: No one. Just making a little video of the trip. Happy Hogan: You know you can't show it to anyone. Peter Parker: Yeah, I know. Happy Hogan: Then why are you narrating in that voice? Peter Parker: Uh... Because it's fun. Happy Hogan: Fun. Peter Parker: So, uh, why do they call you Happy? Happy Hogan: Come on. I'm not carrying your bags. Let's go. Peter Parker: Hey, should I go to the bathroom before? Happy Hogan: There's a bathroom on it. Peter Parker: Whoa. No pilot? That's awesome. Happy Hogan: Is that where you're gonna sit? Peter Parker: Yeah. Happy Hogan: This is your first time on a private plane? Peter Parker: My first time on any plane. Should it...? Should it be...? Should it be making that noise? Shh. No one has actually told me why I'm in Berlin or what I'm doing. Something about Captain America going crazy. Happy Hogan: This is you. Peter Parker: Oh, we're neighbors? Happy Hogan: We're not roommates. Suit up. Peter Parker: Okay, Peter, you got this. You got this. Happy Hogan: What the hell are you wearing? Peter Parker: It's my suit. Happy Hogan: Where's the case? Peter Parker: What case? That's not my... What? I thought that was a closet. This is still my room? Happy Hogan: Go. Please. Peter Parker: My room is way bigger than... Happy Hogan: There. Peter Parker: I found the case. I found the case. I found the case. "A minor upgrade"? Whoa. Oh my God. Happy Hogan: Put it on. Peter Parker: What the...? This is the coolest thing I've ever seen- Happy Hogan: Let's go. Peter Parker: But, yeah. Well, I don't understand. Is it for me? Happy, Happy, wait. This is insane. Insane. Look at this thing. Look. Look at the eyes. This is the greatest day of my life. Happy Hogan: Let's go. Peter Parker: Okay. Happy Hogan: Come on. Peter Parker: Okay, there's Captain America, Iron Man, Black Widow. Whoa. Who's that new guy? Tony Stark: Underoos! Peter Parker: Oh, that's me. I gotta go. I gotta go. Hey, everyone. Okay, so the craziest thing just happened, right? I just had a fight with Captain America and I stole his shield and I threw it at him- What the hell? He's big now. I gotta go. Hang on. Whoa! It was the most amazing thing that's ever happened! So Mr. Stark was like, "Hey, Underoos!" and I just sort of flipped in and I stole Cap's shield. I was like, "Hey, what's up, everybody?" And then... Hey, just a second! Coming! Hey. Happy Hogan: We have thin walls here. Tony Stark: What are you doing, a little video diary? Peter Parker: Yeah. Tony Stark: It's all right. I'd probably do the same. Happy Hogan: I told him not to do it. He was filming everything. Tony Stark: It's okay. Happy Hogan: I'm gonna wipe the chip. Tony Stark: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what? We should actually... We should make an alibi video for your aunt anyway. You ready? Peter Parker: Yeah, hold on. Tony Stark: We rolling? Peter Parker: An alibi? Sure. Tony Stark: Get in the frame. Peter Parker: Okay. Tony Stark: Hey, May. How you doing? What are you wearing? Something skimpy, I hope. Peter, that's inappropriate. All right, let's start over. You can edit it. Peter Parker: Mm-hmm. Tony Stark: Three, two, one. Hey, May. My gosh, uh, I wanted to tell you what an incredible job your nephew did this weekend at the Stark internship retreat. Everyone was impressed. Happy Hogan: Come on! It's a freaking merge. I'm sorry. Tony Stark: This is because you're not on Queens Boulevard. See, Happy is... is hoping to get bumped up to asset management. He was forehead of security, and before that, he was just a driver. Happy Hogan: That was a private conversation. I don't like joking about this. It was hard for me to talk to you about that. Tony Stark: No, seriously, was he snoring a bunch? Happy Hogan: All right. Here we are. End of the line. Whoops. Tony Stark: Happy, can you give us a moment? Happy Hogan: You want me to leave the car? Tony Stark: Why don't you grab Peter's case out of the trunk. Peter Parker: I can keep the suit? Tony Stark: Yes, we were just talking about it. Do me a favor, though. Happy's kind of your point guy on this. Don't stress him out. Don't do anything stupid. I've seen his cardiogram. All right? Peter Parker: Yes. Tony Stark: Don't do anything I would do, and definitely don't do anything I wouldn't do. There's a... There's a little grey area in there, and that's where you operate. Peter Parker: Wait, does that mean that I'm an Avenger? Tony Stark: No. Happy Hogan: This it? Tony Stark: Seventh floor. Peter Parker: I can take that. You don't have to take it. Happy Hogan: You're gonna take it? Peter Parker: Yeah, I can take that. Happy Hogan: Thank you. Peter Parker: So when's, when's our next... When's our next "retreat," you know? Like... Tony Stark: What, next mission? Peter Parker: Yeah, the mission. The missions. Tony Stark: We'll call you. Peter Parker: Do you have my numbers? Tony Stark: No, I mean, we'll call you. Like, someone will call you. Peter Parker: Oh. Tony Stark: All right? Peter Parker: From your team. Tony Stark: Okay. It's not a hug. I'm just grabbing the door for you. We're not there yet. Bye. Peter Parker: They're gonna call me. Hey Happy just checking in. I'm out of school at 2:45 PM. Ready for my next mission! It's Peter BTW. Parker. Flash Thompson: What's up, Penis Parker? Betty Brant: Rise and shine, Midtown Science and Technology. Jason Ionello: Students, don't forget about your homecoming tickets. Do you have a date for homecoming? Betty Brant: Thanks, Jason, but I already have a date. Jason Ionello: Okay. Betty Brant: Yeah. Principal Morita: Good morning. Damn it. You, in my office right now. Ned Leeds: Join me, and together... we'll build my new Lego Death Star. Peter Parker: What? Cheerleader: So lame. Peter Parker: No way! That's awesome. How many pieces? Ned Leeds: Three thousand eight hundred and three. Peter Parker: That's insane. Ned Leeds: I know. You want to build it tonight? Peter Parker: No, I can't tonight. I've got the Stark- Ned Leeds: Mm-hmm. Stark internship. Peter Parker: Yeah, exactly. Ned Leeds: Always got that internship. Peter Parker: Yeah, well, hopefully, soon it'll lead to a real job with them. Ned Leeds: That would be so sweet. Peter Parker: Right? Ned Leeds: He'd be all, "Good job on those spreadsheets, Peter. Here's a gold coin." I don't know how jobs work. Peter Parker: That's exactly how they work. Ned Leeds: Oh. I'll knock out the basic bones of the Death Star at my place. And, and then I'll come by afterwards... ...because for the most part, the difficult thing is the base of it. The top half we can knock out in two hours, tops. Peter Parker: That'd be great. Girl: I'm gonna be late! Ms. Warren: Okay, so how do we calculate linear acceleration between points A and B? Flash. Flash Thompson: It's the product of sine of the angle and gravity divided by the mass. Ms. Warren: Nope. Peter. You still with us? Peter Parker: Uh... Uh... Yeah, yeah. Uh... Mass cancels out, so it's just gravity times sine. Ms. Warren: Right. See, Flash, being the fastest isn't always the best if you are wrong. Flash Thompson: You're dead. Mr. Cobbwell: Today we'll be talking about Danish physicist Niels Bohr, but trust me, there is nothing Bohr-ing about his discoveries regarding quantum theory. Peter Parker: Did Liz get a new top? Ned Leeds: No. We've seen that before, but never with that skirt. Girl: Liz, hey. Liz Toomes: Hi! Girl: That looks so good! Peter Parker: We should probably stop staring before it gets creepy, though. Michelle "Mj" Jones: Too late. You guys are losers. Ned Leeds: But then why do you sit with us? Michelle "Mj" Jones: Because I don't have any friends. Liz Toomes: Let's move to the next question. What is the heaviest naturally-occurring element? Charles Murphy: Hydrogen's the lightest. That's not the question. Okay. Yeah. Abraham Brown: Uranium. Liz Toomes: That is correct. Thank you, Abraham. Abraham Brown: Yes. Liz Toomes: Please open your books to page ten. Mr. Harrington: Peter, it's nationals. Is there no way you could take one weekend off? Peter Parker: I can't go to Washington because if Mr. Stark needs me, then I have to make sure that I'm here. Flash Thompson: You've never even been in the same room as Tony Stark. Cindy Moon: Wait, what's happening? Sally Avril: Peter's not going to Washington. Cindy Moon: No. No, no, no, no, no. No. No. Abraham Brown: Why not? Liz Toomes: Really? Right before nationals? Michelle "Mj" Jones: He already quit marching band and robotics lab. I'm not obsessed with him. Just very observant. Liz Toomes: Flash, you're in for Peter. Flash Thompson: Ooh, I don't know. I gotta check my calendar first. I got a hot date with Black Widow coming up. Abraham Brown: That is false. Mr. Harrington: What did I tell you about using the bell for comedic purposes? Peter Parker: Hey, what's up? Man: Hey, man. Peter Parker: What's up, Mr. Delmar? Mr. Delmar: Hey, Mr. Parker. Number five, right? Peter Parker: Yeah, um, and, uh, with pickles, and can you smush it down real flat? Thanks. Deli Clerk: You got it, boss. Mr. Delmar: How's your aunt? Peter Parker: Yeah, she's alright. Mr. Delmar: His aunt is a very hot Italian woman. Deli Clerk: Oh, yeah? Peter Parker: How is your daughter, huh? Mr. Delmar: Ten dollars. Peter Parker: It's five dollars. Mr. Delmar: For that comment, ten dollars. Peter Parker: Hey, come on, I'm joking. I'm joking. Here's five dollars. What's up, Murph? How you doing, buddy? Mr. Delmar: So, how's school? Peter Parker: Ah, you know, it's boring. Got better things to do. Mr. Delmar: Stay in school, kid. Stay in school. Otherwise, you're gonna end up like me. Peter Parker: This is great. Mr. Delmar: Best sandwiches in Queens. Peter Parker: Ah, finally. Hey, could you hold this for a second? Thanks. Hey, is this anybody's bike? No? Hey, buddy, is this your bike? Man: I have no change. Peter Parker: Does anyone have a pen? Do you have a pen? Whoo! Everybody good? Street Vendor: Hey! You're that spider guy on YouTube, right? Peter Parker: Call me Spider-Man! Street Vendor: Okay, Spider-Man. Do a flip. Yeah! Man: Not bad. Peter Parker: Hey, buddy. Shouldn't steal cars. It's bad. Car Jacker: It's my car, dumbass! Marjorie: Hey! Shut that off! Peter Parker: I was just tryin' to- Car Jacker: Can you tell him it's my car? Day Sleeper: I work at nights! Come on, dude! Old Man: That's not your car! That's his car. Peter Parker: How was I supposed to know? He was putting that thing in the window! Resident 1: Every day with these damn alarms! Resident 2: Shut it off! Stan Lee: Don't make me come down there, you punk! Marjorie: Hey, Gary. How you doing? Stan Lee: Marjorie, how are you? How's your mother? Peter Parker: Ugh! I'm good, I'm good. Voicemail: You have reached the voicemail box of... Happy Hogan: Happy Hogan. Peter Parker: Hey, Happy! Um, here's my report for tonight. I stopped a grand theft bicycle. Couldn't find the owner, so I just left a note. Um... I helped this lost, old Dominican lady. She was really nice and bought me a churro. So I just, um, feel like I could be doing more. You know? Just curious when the next real mission is gonna be. So, yeah, just call me back. It's Peter. Parker. Why would I tell him about the churro? Robber 1: Can't wait to see this thing, guys. Peter Parker: Finally, something good. Robber 1: Yo, this high tech stuff makes it too easy. Robber 2: Told you it was worth it. Robber 1: Okay, go, go, go. Robber 3: Oh, nice. Robber 4: We can hit, like, five more places tonight. Peter Parker: What's up, guys? You forgot your PIN number? Whoa! You're the Avengers. What are you guys doing here? Thor. Hulk. Good to finally meet you guys. I thought you'd be more handsome in person. Iron Man. Hey, what are you doing robbing a bank? You're a billionaire. Hey! Oh, this feels so weird. Whoa, what is that thing? I'm starting... to think... you're not... the Avengers! 911 Operator: 911. What's your emergency? Mr. Delmar: Uh... Spider-Man is fighting the Avengers in a bank on 21st street. Peter Parker: Alright guys, let's wrap this up. It's a school night. So, how do jerks like you get tech like this? No. Wait, wait, wait! Mr. Delmar. Hey, Mr. Delmar, you in there? Is anybody in here? Hello? Oh, come on. You've got to be- Here, here. Mr. Delmar: Good, yeah. Happy Hogan: Okay. Good. Yes. Yes- No. No, put that down. That's worth more than you or me. Yeah? Peter Parker: Happy, the craziest thing just happened to me. These guys were robbing an ATM with these high tech weapons- Happy Hogan: Hey, take a breath, okay? I don't have time for ATM robberies... Peter Parker: Yeah, but- Happy Hogan: ...or the thoughtful notes you leave behind. I have moving day to worry about. Everything's gotta be out of here by next week. Peter Parker: Wait. Wait! You're moving? Who's moving? Happy Hogan: Yeah, don't you watch the news? Tony sold Avengers Tower. We're relocating to a new facility upstate where, hopefully, the cell service is much worse. Peter Parker: But what about me? Happy Hogan: What about you? Peter Parker: Well, what if Mr. Stark needs me or something, I don't know, something big goes down? Can I please just talk to Mr. Stark? Happy Hogan: Look, just stay away from anything too dangerous. I'm responsible for making sure you're responsible, okay? Peter Parker: I am responsible. I- Oh, crap. My backpack's gone. Happy Hogan: That doesn't sound responsible. Peter Parker: I'll call you back. Happy Hogan: Feel free not to. May Parker: What was that? Peter Parker: Uh, it's nothing. It's nothing! Ned Leeds: You're the Spider-Man. From YouTube. Peter Parker: I'm not. I'm not. Ned Leeds: You were on the ceiling. Peter Parker: No, I wasn't. Ned, what are you doing in my room? Ned Leeds: May let me in. You said we were gonna finish the Death Star. Peter Parker: You can't just bust into my room! May Parker: The turkey meatloaf recipe is a disaster. Let's go to dinner. Thai? Ned, you want Thai? Ned Leeds: Yes. Peter Parker: No. He's got a thing. Ned Leeds: A thing to do after. May Parker: Okay. Maybe put on some clothes. Ned Leeds: Oh, she doesn't know? Peter Parker: Nobody knows. I mean, Mr. Stark knows because he made my suit, but that's it. Ned Leeds: Tony Stark made you that? Are you an Avenger? Peter Parker: Yeah, basically. Ned Leeds: Whoa... Peter Parker: You can't tell anybody about this. You gotta keep it a secret. Ned Leeds: A secret? Why? Peter Parker: You know what she's like. If she finds out people try and kill me every single night, she's not going to let me do this anymore. Come on, Ned, please. Ned Leeds: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I'll level with you. I don't think I can keep this a secret. This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, Peter! Peter Parker: Ned, May cannot know. I cannot do that to her right now, you know? I mean, everything that's happened with her, I... Please. Ned Leeds: Okay. Peter Parker: Just swear it, okay? Ned Leeds: I swear. Peter Parker: Thank you. Ned Leeds: Yeah. Peter Parker: I can't believe this is happening right now. Ned Leeds: Can I try the suit on? Peter Parker: No. Ned Leeds: How does it work? Is it magnets? How do you shoot the strings? Peter Parker: I'm gonna tell you about this at school tomorrow, okay? Ned Leeds: Great. Okay, well, wait, then. How do you do this and the Stark internship? Peter Parker: This is the Stark internship. Ned Leeds: Oh. Peter Parker: Just get out of here. May Parker: What's the matter? Thought you loved larb. It's too larby? Not larby enough. How many times do I have to say "larb" before you talk to me? You know I larb you. Peter Parker: I'm just stressed. The internship, and I'm tired. A lot of work. May Parker: The Stark internship. I have to tell you, not a fan of that Tony Stark. Distracted all the time... he's got you in your head. News Anchor: The beloved Queens' institution, Delmar's Sandwiches, was destroyed... May Parker: What does he have you doing? News Anchor: ...in an explosion... May Parker: You need to use your instincts. News Anchor: ...earlier tonight after an ATM robbery was thwarted by Queens' own colorful local crime-stopper, the Spider-Man. As the Spider-Man attempted to foil their heist, a powerful blast was set off, slicing through the bodega across the street. Miraculously, no one was harmed. May Parker: If you spot something like that happening, you turn and you run the other way. Peter Parker: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. May Parker: Six blocks away from us. Peter Parker: I... uh... I need a new backpack. May Parker: What? Peter Parker: I need a new backpack. May Parker: That's five. Thai Waiter: Sticky rice pudding. May Parker: Oh, we didn't order that. Thai Waiter: It's on the house. May Parker: Oh! Thanks. That's nice of him. Peter Parker: I think he larbs you. Ned Leeds: You got bit by a spider? Can it bite me? Well, it probably would've hurt, right? You know what? Whatever. Even if it did hurt, I'd let it bite me. Maybe. How much did it hurt? Peter Parker: The spider's dead, Ned. Ned Leeds: Whoa. You were here? Peter Parker: Yeah. Ned Leeds: You could've died. Do you lay eggs? Peter Parker: What? No. Ned Leeds: Can you spit venom? Peter Parker: No. Ned Leeds: Can you summon an army of spiders? Peter Parker: No, Ned. History Teacher: The Sokovia Accords were put into place... Ned Leeds: How far can you shoot your webs? Peter Parker: It's unknown. Shut up. History Teacher: ...to begin regulating... Ned Leeds: If I was you, I would stand on the edge of a building and just shoot it as far as I could- Peter Parker: Shut up, Ned. Steve Rogers: Hi. I'm Captain America. Whether you're in the classroom or on the battlefield... Ned Leeds: Do you know him too? Peter Parker: Yeah, we met. Steve Rogers: ...fitness can be the difference between success or failure. Peter Parker: I stole his shield. Ned Leeds: What? Steve Rogers: Today, my good friend, your gym teacher... ...will be conducting the Captain America Fitness Challenge. Coach Wilson: Thank you, Captain. I'm pretty sure this guy's a war criminal now, but whatever. I have to show these videos. It's required by the state. Let's do it. Ned Leeds: Do Avengers have to pay taxes? Peter Parker: Shh! Ned Leeds: What does Hulk smell like? Peter Parker: Shh! Ned Leeds: I bet he smells nice. Peter Parker: You have to shut up. Ned Leeds: Is Captain America cool, or is he like a mean, old grandpa? Peter Parker: Ned, just, shh, okay? Ned Leeds: Hey, can I be your guy in the chair? Peter Parker: What? Ned Leeds: Yeah. You know how there's a guy with a headset telling the other guy where to go? Like, like if you're stuck in a burning building, I could tell you where to go. Because there'd be screens around me, and I could, you know, swivel around, and... 'Cause I could be your guy in the chair. Peter Parker: Ned, I don't need a guy in the chair. Coach Wilson: Looking good, Parker. Betty Brant: Now, see, for me, it would be F Thor, marry Iron Man, and kill Hulk. Charles Murphy: Well, what about the Spider-Man? Betty Brant: It's just Spider-Man. Liz Toomes: Did you guys see the bank security cam on YouTube? He fought off four guys. Betty Brant: Oh my God, she's crushing on Spider-Man. Charles Murphy: No way. Liz Toomes: Kind of? Betty Brant: Ugh, gross. He's probably like, thirty. Charles Murphy: You don't even know what he looks like. Like, what if he's, like, seriously burned? Liz Toomes: I wouldn't care. I would still love him for the person he is on the inside. Ned Leeds: Peter knows Spider-Man! Peter Parker: No, I don't. No. I... I mean... Ned Leeds: They're friends. Flash Thompson: Yeah, like Coach Wilson and Captain America are friends. Peter Parker: I've met him. Yeah. A couple times. But it's, um... through the Stark internship. Mm-hmm. Yeah, well. I'm not really supposed to talk about it. Flash Thompson: Well, that's awesome. Hey, you know what? Maybe you should invite him to Liz's party. Right? Liz Toomes: Yeah, I'm having people over tonight. You're more than welcome to come. Peter Parker: Having a party? Flash Thompson: Yeah, it's gonna be dope. You should totally invite your personal friend Spider-Man. Peter Parker: Um... Liz Toomes: It's okay. I know Peter's way too busy for parties anyway, so... Flash Thompson: Come on. He'll be there. Right, Parker? Peter Parker: What are you doing? Ned Leeds: Helping you out. Did you not hear her? Liz has a crush on you. Dude, you're an Avenger. If any one of us has a chance with a senior girl, it's you. May Parker: House party in the suburbs. Oh, I remember these. Kind of jealous. Ned Leeds: It'll be a night to remember. May Parker: Ned, some hats wear men. You wear that hat. Ned Leeds: Yeah, it gives me confidence. May Parker: Hmm. Peter Parker: This is a mistake. Hey, let's just go home. May Parker: Oh, Peter. I know. I know it's really hard trying to fit in with all the changes your body's going through. It's flowering now. Peter Parker: Uh-huh. May Parker: He's so stressed out lately. Ned Leeds: What helps with stress is going to a party. We should go to the party. Peter Parker: Yeah, let's do it. Yeah. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. May Parker: Peter. Have fun, okay? Peter Parker: I will. May Parker: Okay. Ned Leeds: Bye, May! Dude, you have the suit, right? Peter Parker: Yeah. Ned Leeds: This is gonna change our lives. Girl: Annie, over here! Annie: Hey. Male Voice: DJ Flash! Ned Leeds: Okay. We're gonna have Spider-Man swing in, say you guys are tight, and then I get a fist bump or one of those half bro-hugs. Michelle "Mj" Jones: Can't believe you guys are at this lame party. Ned Leeds: But you're here too. Michelle "Mj" Jones: Am I? Liz Toomes: Oh, my gosh. Hey, guys. Cool hat, Ned. Ned Leeds: Hi, Liz. Peter Parker: Hi, Liz. Liz Toomes: I'm so happy you guys came. There's pizza and drinks. Help yourself. Peter Parker: What a great party. Liz Toomes: Thanks. Oh, I... My parents will kill me if anything's broken. I gotta- Peter Parker: Yeah. Liz Toomes: Have fun. Ned Leeds: Bye. Liz Toomes: Bye. Ned Leeds: Dude, what are you doing? She's here. Spider it up. Peter Parker: No, no, no. I can't... I cannot do this. Spider-Man is not a party trick, okay? Look, I'm just gonna... be myself. Ned Leeds: Peter, no one wants that. Peter Parker: Dude. Flash Thompson: Penis Parker, what's up? So, where's your pal Spider-Man? Let me guess. In Canada with your imaginary girlfriend? That's not Spider-Man. That's just Ned in a red shirt. Peter Parker: Hey, what's up? I'm Spider-Man. Just thought I'd swing by and say hello to my buddy Peter. Oh, what's up, Ned? Hey, where's Peter, anyways? He must be around... God, this is stupid. What am I doing? What the hell? This sucks! Jackson Brice: Now, this is crafted from a reclaimed sub-Ultron arm straight from Sokovia. Here. You try. Aaron Davis: Man, I wanted something low-key. Why are you trying to upsell me, man? Jackson Brice: Okay, okay, okay. I got what you need, all right? I got tons of great stuff here. One sec. Okay, I got, uh, black hole grenades, Chitauri railguns... Herman Schultz: You letting off shots in public now? Hurry up. Look, times are changing. We're the only ones selling these high tech weapons. Peter Parker: Oh, this must be where the ATM robbers got their stuff. Aaron Davis: I need something to stick up somebody. I'm not trying to shoot them back in time. Jackson Brice: I got anti-grav climbers. Aaron Davis: Yo, climbers? Jackson Brice: Okay, what the hell was that? Herman Schultz: Did you set us up? Aaron Davis: Hey, hey, man. Peter Parker: Hey! Hey, come on. You gonna shoot at somebody, shoot at me. Herman Schultz: All right. Peter Parker: What was that? What? Ah! Herman Schultz: We gotta call him. Jackson Brice: No, no, no, no. Herman Schultz: Did you just do it again? Jackson Brice: Shut up. Herman Schultz: I'm calling him. Phineas Mason: Toomes' phone. Boss. Peter Parker: Oh, my butt! Unh! Great. Guess I'm gonna have to take a shortcut. Hey, guys. Good game. Have fun. Hey, hey, buddy. Sorry, no time to play. Here, go fetch. Whoo! Now, this is more like it. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa. Smells really good! Great movie! Ugh... Oh, hey, guys. Tent Kids: Aahhh! Peter Parker: No! No! Hey, it's Peter. Leave a message. Ned Leeds: Peter, where are you? The hat's not working. This is not cool. Peter Parker: Almost got you. Thought you got away from me, didn't you? I got you right where I want you. Surprise! What the hell? Aahhhh! Huh? Oh, hey. And then he just, he just, like, swooped down like a monster and he picked me up and, uh, he took me up, like, a thousand feet and just dropped me. How'd you find me? Did you put a tracker in my suit or something? Tony Stark: I put everything in your suit. Including this heater. Peter Parker: Whoa! Whew, that's better. Thanks. Tony Stark: What were you thinking? Peter Parker: The guy with the wings is obviously the source of the weapons. I gotta take him down. Tony Stark: Take him down now, huh? Steady, Crockett, there are people who handle this sort of thing. Peter Parker: The Avengers? Tony Stark: No, no, no. This is a little below their pay grade. Peter Parker: Anyway, Mr. Stark, you didn't have to come all the way out here. I had that. I was fine. Tony Stark: Oh, I'm not here. Thank God this place has Wi-Fi or you would be toast right now. Thank Ganesh while you're at it. Cheers. Look, forget the flying vulture guy, please. Peter Parker: Why? Tony Stark: Why? Because I said so! Sorry, I'm talking to a teenager. Stay close to the ground. Build up your game helping little people, like that lady that bought you the churro. Can't you just be a friendly... ...neighborhood Spider-Man? Peter Parker: But I'm ready for more than that now. Tony Stark: No, you are not. Peter Parker: That is not what you thought when I took on Captain America. Tony Stark: Trust me, kid. If Cap wanted to lay you out, he would've. Listen to me. If you come across these weapons again, call Happy. Peter Parker: Are you driving? Tony Stark: You know, it's never too early to start thinking about college. I got some pull at MIT. End call. Peter Parker: No, I don't need to go to col- Mr. Stark- Friday: Mr. Stark is no longer connected. Peter Parker: That's awesome. Stay close to the ground? What is he talking about? Whoa. Hey, man, what's up? I'm on my way back. Ned Leeds: Actually, I was calling to say maybe you shouldn't come. Listen to this. Flash Thompson: When I say "penis," you say "Parker." Penis! Crowd: Parker! Flash Thompson: Penis! Crowd: Parker! Ned Leeds: Sorry, Peter. I guess we're still losers. I'll see you tomorrow. Peter Parker: I'll see you tomorrow in school. Phineas Mason: Whoa, whoa. Adrian Toomes: Idiots. Idiots. Idiots! Phineas Mason: Boss. Your wife keeps texting you. Something about a brake light? Adrian Toomes: What'd I tell you about looking at my phone? Phineas Mason: Oh, sorry. You left it out. You know I'm a curious person by nature. I finished designing that high-altitude vacuum seal. Adrian Toomes: Huh? Phineas Mason: In case you want to, you know, go for the big one? Adrian Toomes: You're still on that? I told you, no. The answer's no. Forget it. Jackson Brice: Whoo! I mean, that was badass. Adrian Toomes: How many times have I told you not to fire them out in the open? Jackson Brice: You said, move the merchandise. Adrian Toomes: Under the radar. Under the radar! That's how we survive. If you bring Damage Control or the Avengers down here, we're through. You're out there wearing that goofy thing, lightning up cars, calling yourself the Shocker. "I'm the Shocker. I shock people." What is this, pro wrestling? Jackson Brice: Ah, whatever, old man. Come on. Adrian Toomes: Look, look. I know you don't give a crap about anything. But I do. I built this whole place because I got people I have to look after. Jackson Brice: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Adrian Toomes: You know what? I can't afford your bullshit. Get out of here. Jackson Brice: What? Adrian Toomes: You're done. You're off the crew. Jackson Brice: Yeah, all right. All right. Wonder if you can afford me out there, though, right? With everything I know. Adrian Toomes: Excuse me? Jackson Brice: Um, I'm just saying... ...maybe your wife would like to know where you really get your money from. Adrian Toomes: You know what? Jackson Brice: What? Adrian Toomes: You're right. That work? Phineas Mason: I don't know. Adrian Toomes: I can't afford that. Herman Schultz: Damn. Adrian Toomes: I thought this was the antigravity gun. Phineas Mason: What? No, that's that one. Adrian Toomes: Here. Now you're the Shocker. Go out there and find that weapon he lost. Herman Schultz: All right. Peter Parker: Oh. Ned Leeds: Hey, thanks for bailing on me. Peter Parker: Yeah, well, something came up. Ned Leeds: Oh, what is that? Peter Parker: I don't know. Some guy tried to vaporize me with it. Ned Leeds: Seriously? Peter Parker: Yeah. Ned Leeds: Awesome. I mean, not awesome. Totally uncool of that guy. So scary. Peter Parker: Well, look, I think it's a power source. Ned Leeds: Yeah, but it's connected to all these microprocessors. That's an inductive charging plate. That's what I use to charge my toothbrush. Peter Parker: Whoever's making these weapons is obviously combining alien tech with ours. Ned Leeds: That is literally the coolest sentence anyone has ever said. I just want to thank you for letting me be part of your journey into this amazing- Mr. Hapgood: Keep your fingers clear of the blades. Peter Parker: I gotta figure out what this thing is and who makes it. Ned Leeds: We'll go to the lab after class and run some tests. Peter Parker: Let's do it. Ned Leeds: First, I say we put the glowy thing in the mass spectrometer. Peter Parker: First, we gotta come up with a better name than "glowy thingy." Ned Leeds: You're right. Peter Parker: Crap. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Herman Schultz: High schools creep me out. They got this funny smell, you know? Peter Parker: Hey, that's one of the guys that tried to kill me. Ned Leeds: What? Peter Parker: Yeah. Ned Leeds: We gotta get out of here. Peter Parker: No, no, no, no, no. I gotta follow them. Maybe they can lead me to the guy that dropped me in the lake. Ned Leeds: Someone dropped you in a lake? Peter Parker: Yeah, it was not good. Ned Leeds: Peter- Peter Parker: No. Stay there, Ned. Ned Leeds: Peter. Brian "Tiny" Mckeever: What are you doing? Ned Leeds: Nothing. Brian "Tiny" Mckeever: Oh. Ned Leeds: Yeah. You good? Brian "Tiny" Mckeever: Chess. Randy: Can you imagine what the boss would say if he knew where we were? Herman Schultz: It's saying there was an energy pulse right here. Randy: There's no sign of the weapon. And even if it was here, now it's gone. Herman Schultz: So are we. Ned Leeds: This is so awesome. Peter Parker: I know, right? They're in Brooklyn. Ned Leeds: Staten Island. Leaving Jersey. They stopped. Peter Parker: Maryland? Ned Leeds: What's there? Peter Parker: I don't know. Evil lair? Ned Leeds: They have a lair? Peter Parker: Dude. A gang with alien guns run by a guy with wings? Yeah, they have a lair. Ned Leeds: Badass. But how are you gonna get there if it's, like, 300 miles away? Peter Parker: It's not too far from D.C. Abraham Brown: Hey, it's Peter. Peter Parker: Guys. Liz Toomes: Peter? Friend: Hey, buddy. Peter Parker: Yeah, I was hoping maybe I could rejoin the team. Flash Thompson: No, no way. You can't just quit on us, stroll up, and be welcomed back by everyone. Mr. Harrington: Hey, welcome back, Peter. Flash, you're back to first alternate. Flash Thompson: What? Abraham Brown: He's taking your place. Michelle "Mj" Jones: Excuse me, can we go already? 'Cause I was hoping to get in some light protesting in front of one of the embassies before dinner, so. Mr. Harrington: Protesting is patriotic. Let's get on the bus. Liz Toomes: Focus up, everyone. Our next topic is the moons of Saturn. Cindy Moon: The second law of thermodynamics. Charles Murphy: Frank Sinatra. Flash Thompson: Fort Sumter. Abraham Brown: Flash is wrong. Liz Toomes: Okay, guys, let's focus. Next one. Mr. Harrington: Liz, don't overwork them. Peter Parker: Uh, strontium, barium, vibranium. Liz Toomes: Very good, Peter. Glad to have you back. Peter Parker: Glad to be back. Liz Toomes: What is the current standard unit of radioactive- Peter Parker: Can I take this real quick? I'll only be a sec. Liz Toomes: Yeah, fine. Peter Parker: Hello? Happy Hogan: Got a blip on my screen here. You left New York? Liz Toomes: Okay, focus up, everyone. Peter Parker: Tracker. Uh, yeah. No, it's just a school trip. It's, uh, it's nothing. Look, Happy, I gotta say, you tracking me without my permission is a complete violation of my privacy. That's different. Happy Hogan: What's different? Peter Parker: Nothing. Look, it's just the Academic Decathlon. It's no big deal. Happy Hogan: Hey, hey. I'll decide if it's no big deal. Sounds like it's no big deal, but remember, I'm watching you. Liz Toomes: Everyone stick together. Mr. Harrington: Yeah. Charles Murphy: You kidding me? This place is huge. Flash Thompson: I've seen bigger. Abraham Brown: There's a bird in here. Peter Parker: Hey, you brought your laptop, right? Ned Leeds: Why? Peter, why are we removing the tracker from your suit? Peter Parker: Uh, because I gotta follow these guys to their boss before they move again and I don't really want Mr. Stark to know about it. Ned Leeds: So you're lying to Iron Man now? Peter Parker: No, I'm not lying. He just doesn't really get what I can do yet. Ah... Gotcha. All right, Happy. Enjoy tracking this lamp. Ned Leeds: There's a ton of other subsystems in here... Peter Parker: Hmm? Ned Leeds: ...but they're all disabled by the Training Wheels Protocol. Peter Parker: What? "Training Wheels Protocol?" Turn it off. Ned Leeds: I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, they're probably blocked for a reason. Peter Parker: Come on, man. I don't need training wheels. I'm sick of him treating me like a kid all the time. It's not cool. Ned Leeds: But you are a kid. Peter Parker: Yeah, a kid who can stop a bus with his bare hands. Ned Leeds: Peter, I just don't think this is a great idea. I mean, what if this is illegal? Peter Parker: Look, please. This is my chance to prove myself. I can handle it. Ned, come on. Ned Leeds: I really don't think this is a good idea. Peter Parker: The guy in the chair. Ned Leeds: Don't do that. Peter Parker: Come on. Yeah, the glowy thing, it's evidence. Keep it safe. All right? Ned Leeds: Okay, okay. Peter Parker: They're moving. Ned Leeds: Be careful. Peter Parker: Hey, Liz. Liz Toomes: Perfect timing. We're gonna go swimming. Come on, come on, come on. Peter Parker: What? Sally Avril: Hey, Peter. Cindy Moon: Hi. Peter Parker: Hey! I was, uh... I was gonna go study, um, in the business center. Liz Toomes: Peter, you don't need to study. You're, like, the smartest guy I've ever met. And besides... Um, a rebellious group activity the day before competition is good for morale. Peter Parker: Hmm? Liz Toomes: Um, well, I read that in a TED Talk, so, I-I heard it in a TED Talk. And I read a coaching book. Peter Parker: Wow, you really... This is really important to you. Liz Toomes: Yeah. It's our future. I'm not gonna screw it up. Besides, we raided the minibar and these candy bars were, like, eleven dollars. So get your trunks on and come on. Charles Murphy: Come on. Sally Avril: Come on. Liz Toomes: I'm coming, I'm coming. Karen: Good evening, Peter. Peter Parker: Hello? Hello? Karen: Congratulations on completing the rigorous Training Wheels Protocol and gaining access to your suit's full capabilities. Peter Parker: Ah, thank you. Karen: So where would you like to take me tonight? Peter Parker: I, I, put a tracker on someone. He's a bad guy. Karen: Tracker located. Plotting course to intercept target. Peter Parker: Okay, well, as long as I make it back in time for Decathlon, it's fine. Karen: One hundred meters from destination and closing. Jump now. Detecting three individuals. Peter Parker: Why is their secret lair in a gas station? That's so lame. Hey, suit lady, what are they doing? Karen: Do you want to hear what they're saying? Peter Parker: I can hear what they're saying? Uh, yeah. Karen: Activating Enhanced Reconnaissance Mode. Phineas Mason: I got the gauntlet from the Lagos cleanup. The rest is all my design. Peter Parker: Whoa, that's so cool. Randy: Can't believe they're still cleaning up that Triskelion mess. Herman Schultz: I love it. They keep making messes, we keep getting rich. Phineas Mason: Target inbound. Peter Parker: Whoa, they're in the middle of a heist. I could catch them all red-handed. This is awesome. Okay, I'm gonna get a little closer so I can see what's happening. Karen: Would you like me to engage Enhanced Combat Mode? Peter Parker: Uh, Enhanced Combat Mode? Yeah. Karen: Activating Instant Kill. Peter Parker: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to kill anybody! Karen: Deactivating Instant Kill. Herman Schultz: Did you hear that? Peter Parker: What the hell just happened? What was that? Karen: You jumped off the sign and landed on your face. Peter Parker: Suit lady, what's wrong with my web-shooters? Karen: Rapid-fire is the default for Enhanced Combat Mode. Peter Parker: Why would I need rapid-fire? Karen: Would you like to see more options? You have 576 possible web-shooter combinations. Peter Parker: Whoa, Mr. Stark really overdid it. Herman Schultz: You two wait right here. Phineas Mason: Wait. You're gonna want to turn on the dampers, though, or that thing will shatter your arm. Herman Schultz: All right. Where's the dampers? Peter Parker: That one. Karen: Great choice. Would you like me to set this as your new default? Peter Parker: No, no, no. Phineas Mason: Push that in. Herman Schultz: Right here? Phineas Mason: No, no, the other- Herman Schultz: This one right here? Phineas Mason: Yeah, push. Peter Parker: What was that? Karen: Taser webs. Peter Parker: Taser webs? I don't want taser webs. Karen: You seem to be very unfamiliar with your web-shooter settings. Would you like to run a refresher course? Peter Parker: No, just... You choose. Karen: Sure thing. Dodc Central: Six-Alpha-Niner. Are you running on time? Dodc Driver: Copy, Central. Six-Alpha-Niner on schedule. Herman Schultz: I have visual. Phineas Mason: Green light, green light. Peter Parker: Oh, that's him. Adrian Toomes: Okay, I got eyes on the convoy. Pulling in behind the caboose. Phineas Mason: Deploy anchors. Adrian Toomes: Dropping down. Phineas Mason: No outgoing distress signals. You're all clear. Adrian Toomes: Hey. Looks like they got some good stuff here. Peter Parker: Whoa, cool. It's some kind of matter phase shifter. Adrian Toomes: Alright, coming up. Peter Parker: Hey, Big Bird! This doesn't belong to you! Oh, god. Suit lady, what was that? Karen: You told me to choose. Peter Parker: What? No, just set everything back to normal. Karen: Activating all systems. Peter Parker: Oh, my head. Karen: You appear to have a mild concussion. Peter Parker: Hey, so where am I right now? Karen: I'm not sure. The container walls are hindering my sensors. Peter Parker: Wait a minute. They must have hijacked the truck and taken me to their evil lair. Okay, suit lady. We're gonna have to fight our way out of this one. Three, two, one! What is this place? Suit lady, where am I? Karen: You're in the most secure facility on the Eastern Seaboard. The Damage Control Deep Storage Vault. Peter Parker: No. Seriously? Karen: The door will most likely remain closed until morning. Peter Parker: Morning? Hey, suit lady, I kind of feel bad calling you "suit lady," you know? I think I should probably give you a name... like Liz. No, no, no. God, that's... that's weird. What about Karen? Karen: You can call me Karen if you would like. Peter Parker: Hey, Karen, what else can this suit do? What? Maybe we should run that refresher course. Karen: Ricochet web. Peter Parker: Ricochet web. Whoa! Cool. Karen: Splitter web. Web grenade. Peter Parker: Web grenade! Should I tell Liz that I'm Spider-Man? Karen: Who is Liz? Peter Parker: Who is Liz? She's.. heh. She's the best. She's awesome. She, uh, she's just a girl who goes to my school. And, uh... Yeah, I just... I really want to tell her, but it's kind of weird, you know? "Hey, I'm... I'm Spider-Man." Karen: What's weird about that? Peter Parker: What if she's expecting someone like Tony Stark? I mean, imagine how disappointed she'd be when she sees me. Karen: Well, if I were her, I wouldn't be disappointed at all. Peter Parker: Thanks, Karen. It's really nice to have somebody to talk to. Hey, how long we been here anyways? Karen: Thirty seven minutes. Peter Parker: What? Thirty seven minutes? That's insane. I cannot take this anymore. I gotta... I gotta get out of here. There's got to be something in here I can use. Okay, let's see. Nope. That's awesome. Ah, hey, it's like the glowy thing. Karen: That glowy thing is an explosive Chitauri energy core. Peter Parker: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You mean, we've been carrying around a bomb? Karen: It would require radiation to transform it into an explosive state. Peter Parker: No, no, no, no, no. Hey! Please! Please, somebody, let me out! Hey! Karen, you have to help me override that time lock. Okay Karen. Lower the voltage and run it. Karen: Trial unsuccessful. Peter Parker: Okay, we're just gonna have to try every sequence. Student: Ned, Peter, we're gonna be late. Come on, let's go. Ned Leeds: Okay, hold on, hold on. Karen: Initiating trial 247. Peter Parker: It worked! It works! Moderator: Please be sure all cell phones are turned off. Security: Thank you. Peter Parker: Karen, you have to get me to Decathlon as fast as possible. Karen: Sure thing. Just tell me where it is. Peter Parker: Right across the street from the Washington Monument. Ned Leeds: Hey, it's Ned. Leave a message. Peter Parker: Ned, call me back! The glowy thing is a bomb! Karen: There's a vehicle approaching on your right. Moderator: We have now entered sudden death. The next correct answer wins the championship. Midtown Tech? Michelle "Mj" Jones: Zero. Moderator: That is correct. Midtown takes the championship! Student: We won! Liz Toomes: You guys, I am so proud of you. Flash Thompson: Told you we didn't need Peter. Ned Leeds: Flash, you didn't answer a single question. Mr. Harrington: Taking it all in, Michelle? Michelle "Mj" Jones: Oh, yeah, I just... um, I don't really want to celebrate something that was built by slaves. Mr. Harrington: Oh, I'm sure the Washington Monument wasn't built by- Okay. Enjoy your book. Michelle "Mj" Jones: Thanks. Peter Parker: Oh, Ned, you're alive! Ned Leeds: Peter, are you okay? Peter Parker: Ned, Ned, where's the glowy thing, the glowy thing? Ned Leeds: Don't worry, it's safe. It's in my backpack. Peter Parker: No, Ned, listen! No, no, Ned, the glowy thing is dangerous. Ned Leeds: You missed the Decathlon. I covered for you. Peter Parker: Ned, listen to me! Ned Leeds: We're at the Washington Monument now. You gotta- Liz Toomes: Peter, is that you? Peter Parker: Oh, hey, Liz. Karen: Is that Liz? Peter Parker: Please put Ned back on the phone. Karen: You should tell her how you feel. Liz Toomes: You freak! You are so lucky we won. You know, I want to be mad, but I'm more worried. Like, what is going on with you? Peter Parker: Liz, I have to talk to Ned. It's really important! Security: Miss, all items on the belt, please. Peter Parker: Liz, there's something in Ned's backpack! It's really dangerous. Don't let it go through an X-ray. Liz? Liz! Damn it. Flash Thompson: Hey, Mr. Harrington, can I be the one to tell Peter he's expelled? Tour Guide: The Washington Monument is 555 feet, 5 and 1/8 inches tall. Notice how the marble and granite are cut around the stone. Tourist: Did you hear that? Peter Parker: No, no, no, no, no, no. Karen, what's going on up there? Karen: The Chitauri core has detonated and caused severe structural damage to the elevator. Peter Parker: Oh, no. Michelle "Mj" Jones: My friends are up there! Peter Parker: What? Uh... Don't worry, ma'am. Everything's gonna be okay. Excuse me, excuse me. Oh, my god, that's tall. Charles Murphy: Oh, my god. Look at the ceiling. Liz Toomes: Just stay calm, everyone. Abraham Brown: Oh, we are all going to die here. Karen: Estimating 10 minutes before catastrophic failure. Charles Murphy: We're freakin' screwed. Tour Guide: Okay guys, I know that was scary, but our safety systems are working. Karen: The safety systems are completely failing. Tour Guide: We're very safe in here. Karen: The occupants are in imminent mortal danger. Peter Parker: I'm going as fast as I can! Park Ranger: Let's go. Give me your hand. Karen: You now have 125 seconds until catastrophic failure. Peter Parker: What? Why? Karen: Unexpected motion has caused the deterioration to escalate. Peter Parker: How do I get in there? Karen: Activating reconnaissance drone. Peter Parker: Whoa, has that been there the whole time? That's awesome. Karen: Locating optimal entry point. Proceed to southwest window. Peter Parker: Karen, I'm on my way. Ah! Okay. Oh, my god. Okay. Karen: What's wrong? You've reached the southwest window. Why are you hesitating? Peter Parker: It's fine. It's just, I've just never been this high before. Karen: You have also not reinstalled your parachute, so a fall from this height would most likely be lethal. Peter Parker: Perfect. Oh, my god. Why is it not breaking? Karen: It's a four-inch ballistic glass. You'll have to create more momentum. Police: This is D.C. Metro police. Identify yourself. Peter Parker: My friends are in there! My friends are in there! Stop! Police: Return to the ground immediately. Mr. Harrington: Okay, who's next? Flash Thompson: Me, it's my turn! Ned Leeds: Flash, seriously? What are you doing? Flash Thompson: Come on. Cindy Moon: Don't worry about the trophy. Students: Ah! Police: Stand down! Return to the ground immediately! Return to the ground or we will open fire! Go up, go up! Peter Parker: I got this. Flash Thompson: Take my trophy! Police: This is your last chance! Peter Parker: Oh, I'm gonna die. Break! Liz/Ned: Ahh! Peter Parker: I did it! Whoa! Ahem. Hey, how you doing? Don't worry about it. I got you. Ned Leeds: Yes! Yes! Peter Parker: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, big guy, quit moving around. Ned Leeds: Sorry, sir. So sorry. Park Ranger: Let's go, let's go! Okay, okay. Cindy Moon: Mr. Harrington, go. Ned, come on. Peter Parker: Alright. This is your stop. Ned Leeds: Come on, Liz. Peter Parker: Go, go, go. Everybody out! Move it, people. Move it, move it! Liz Toomes: Are you sure it's safe? Mr. Harrington: Liz! Peter Parker: You're okay. You're okay. Okay. Students: Oh, my god. Good, good. Mr. Harrington: Come on up. Come on, you guys, stay back. Come on in. Come on in. Peter Parker: So, uh, is everyone okay? Karen: This is your chance, Peter. Kiss her. Mr. Harrington: Thank you. Flash Thompson: Are you really friends with Peter Parker? Phineas Mason: I can finish the next order, but without any new materials from that truck... Adrian Toomes: Ugh, damn it. We still have enough to do the Gargan deal though, right? Phineas Mason: Yeah, but then that's it. Oh, maybe it is time that I built the high-altitude seal. Adrian Toomes: Would you shut up about that? Phineas Mason: It's only one job. Adrian Toomes: No. Eight years, not a word from the Feds, nothing from those Halloween-costume-wearing bozos up there in Stark tower. And then all of a sudden, this little bastard in red tights shows up and he thinks he can tear down everything I've built. Really? I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna find him... Herman Schultz: I found him. News Anchor: Spider-Man swooped in, heroically saving an Academic Decathlon team from Queens. The identity of the masked hero is still unknown. Liz Toomes: Mom. Doris Toomes: It's okay. Alright. May Parker: Peter? Families: Come here, come here. Oh, my god. Jason Ionello: This past weekend, Midtown's Academic Decathlon team defeated the country's best to win the national championship. Later that day, they also defeated death. Abraham Brown: Explosion. Sally scream. Flash scream. Everybody screamin'. Charles Murphy: There were purple lasers and smoke everywhere, It was... ...just like a bon Jovi concert. Mr. Harrington: As you know, we made it out alive, and that's the important thing. I couldn't bear to lose a student on a school trip. Not again. Jason Ionello: Thankfully, no one was seriously injured, thanks to the Spider-Man. Jason/Betty: Thank you, Spider-Man. Jason Ionello: Up next: The Spider-Man mania is sweeping the school. How can you show your spider spirit? Ned Leeds: Dude, dude, dude, dude. What is it like being famous when nobody knows it's you? Peter Parker: Crazy, dude. Ned Leeds: It's crazy. Should we tell everyone? Peter Parker: No. Ned Leeds: Should I tell everyone? Peter Parker: No, dude, no, that's not a good idea. Ned Leeds: Okay, come on, we'll be late to class. Peter Parker: I'm not going to class. Ned Leeds: You're already in so much trouble for ditching the Decathlon. Peter Parker: Dude, listen, I figured it out, right? The wing suit guy is stealing from Damage Control. And what he takes from Damage Control, that's how he builds the weapons. So all I gotta do is catch him. Ned Leeds: But we have a Spanish quiz. Peter Parker: Ned, I'm probably never gonna come back here. Mr. Stark is moving the Avengers upstate, so when I bring this guy in- Ned Leeds: Dude, you want to be a high school dropout? Peter Parker: I am so far beyond high school right now. Principal Morita: Parker, my office. Steve Rogers: So... You got detention. You screwed up. You know what you did was wrong. The question is, how are you gonna make things right? Maybe you were trying to be cool. But take it from a guy who's been frozen for 65 years, the only way to really be cool is to follow the rules. We all know what's right. We all know what's wrong. Next time those turkeys try to convince you of something you know is wrong... Coach Wilson: Hey, where you going? Get back here. Steve Rogers: Just think to yourself, what would Captain America do? Coach Wilson: Why are you here? You don't even have detention. Michelle "Mj" Jones: Oh, I know. I just like coming here to sketch people in crisis. Heh. It's you. Steve Rogers: So your body's changing. Believe me, I know how that feels. Peter Parker: May? Hey, Karen. What's up? Karen: Hey, Peter. How was your Spanish quiz? Peter Parker: Listen, I was wondering if you could help me. I'm trying to figure out who the guys under the bridge were that night, but I mean, I can only kind of remember part of a license plate. Karen: I can run facial recognition on the footage of that encounter. Peter Parker: Footage? Karen: Yes, Peter. I record everything you see. Peter Parker: Everything? Karen: Everything. Peter Parker: Like all the time? Karen: It's called the Baby Monitor Protocol. Peter Parker: Yeah, of course it is. Um, yeah, just roll it back to last Friday. Karen: With pleasure. Peter Parker: Hey, everyone. Yeah, kick-ass party. Hey, what's up, Liz? Peter's told me a lot about you. No, no, no. No, no, no. This is just me messing around. Go later in the day, later in the day. It is I, Thor, son of Odin! No, no, no, no, no, no. That's definitely... no. That's definitely not what we wanted to watch. Just... Karen: Your impressions are very funny. Peter Parker: Fast-forward to the arms deal. Okay. The two on the right, who are they? Karen: Searching law enforcement databases. No records found for two of the individuals. Peter Parker: Nothing? Karen: One individual identified. Aaron Davis, age 33. He has a criminal record and an address here in Queens. Peter Parker: Let's pay him a visit. Karen: Would you like me to activate the Enhanced Interrogation Protocol? Peter Parker: Uh, yeah. Remember me? Aaron Davis: Uh, hey... Peter Parker: I need information. You're gonna give it to me now. Aaron Davis: All right, chill. Peter Parker: Come on! Aaron Davis: What happened to your voice? Peter Parker: What do you mean, what happened to my voice? Aaron Davis: I heard you by the bridge. I know what a girl sound like. Peter Parker: I'm not a girl! I'm a boy. I mean, I'm a... I'm a man. Aaron Davis: I don't care what you are, a boy, a girl... Peter Parker: I'm not a girl! I'm a man. Come on, man. Look, who is selling these weapons? I need to know. Give me names or else. Aaron Davis: You ain't ever done this before, huh? Peter Parker: Deactivate interrogation mode. Look, man, these guys are selling weapons that are crazy dangerous. They can't just be out on the streets. Look, if one of them can just cut Delmar's bodega in half... Aaron Davis: You know Delmar's? Peter Parker: Yeah, best sandwich in Queens. Aaron Davis: Sub Haven's pretty good. Peter Parker: It's too much bread. Aaron Davis: I like bread. Peter Parker: Come on, man, please. Stupid interrogation mode. Karen, don't ever do that again. Aaron Davis: The other night, you told that dude, "if you shoot somebody, shoot me." It's pretty ballsy. I don't want those weapons in this neighborhood. I got a nephew who live here. Peter Parker: Who are these guys? What can you tell me about the guy with the wings? Aaron Davis: Other than he's a psychopath dressed like a demon, nothing. I don't know who he is or where he is. I do know where he's gonna be. Peter Parker: Really? Aaron Davis: Yeah, this crazy dude I used to work with, he's supposed to be doing a deal with him. Peter Parker: Yes! Yes. Thank- Aaron Davis: Hey. Hey. Hey. I didn't tell you where. You don't have a location. Peter Parker: Right, of course. Yeah, my bad. Silly. Just... Yeah. Where is it? Aaron Davis: Can I give you some advice? Peter Parker: Hmm? Aaron Davis: You got to get better at this part of the job. Peter Parker: I don't understand. I'm intimidating. Aaron Davis: Staten Island ferry, eleven. Peter Parker: Oh, that's soon. Hey, that's gonna dissolve in two hours. Aaron Davis: No, no, no, no. Come fix this. Peter Parker: Two hours. You deserve that. Aaron Davis: I got ice cream in here. Peter Parker: You deserve that. You're a criminal. Bye, Mr. Criminal. Nice. Okay, Karen, activate Enhanced Reconnaissance Mode. Karen: Sure thing. Adrian Toomes: He's up front. Main deck. Herman Schultz: I hate this guy. Peter Parker: It's the guy from the bridge, right? Who's that other guy? Adrian Toomes: Just keep me posted. Karen: There's no record of him in my criminal database. Incoming call from May Peter. Should I reroute to your heads-up display? Peter Parker: I can't talk right now. I'll call her back. Hey, dronie, keep an eye on that guy. We can't let anybody get away this time. Who's the guy on the left? Karen: Mac Gargan. Extensive criminal record, including homicide. Would you like me to activate Instant Kill? Peter Parker: No, Karen, stop it with the Instant Kill already. Herman Schultz: White pickup truck. Peter Parker: Dronie, scan the ship for a white pickup truck. Oh, this is too perfect. I got the weapons, buyers, and sellers all in one place. Karen: Incoming call from Tony Stark. Peter Parker: No, no, no. No, no, don't answer. Tony Stark: Mr. Parker. Got a sec? Peter Parker: Uh, I'm actually at school. Karen: No, you're not. Tony Stark: Nice work in D.C. Peter Parker: Okay. Tony Stark: My dad never really gave me a lot of support... And I'm just trying to break the cycle of shame. Peter Parker: Uh, I'm kind of in the middle of something right now. Tony Stark: Don't cut me off when I'm complimenting you. Anyway, great things are about to- What is that? Peter Parker: Uh, I'm at band practice. Tony Stark: That's odd. Happy told me you quit band six weeks ago. What's up? Peter Parker: I gotta go. Uh, end call. Tony Stark: Hey. Peter Parker: I'll take those! Yoink! Hey, guys. The illegal-weapons-deal-ferry was at 10:30. You missed it. Randy: Spider guy's here. Peter Parker: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast. Are you guys okay? My bad. That was a little hard. I gotta say the other guy was way better with that thing. I'm honestly, I'm, I'm shocked. Fbi Agent 1: Freeze! FBI! Fbi Agent 2: Don't move. Fbi Agent 1: Get on the ground. FBI. Peter Parker: Wait, what do you mean, FBI? Karen: The FBI is the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Peter Parker: I know what the FBI means, but what are they doing here? Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Look out, look out, look out. Move, move, move! Adrian Toomes: Get to the top deck. We're getting out of here. Peter Parker: Activate Taser Web! Adrian Toomes: You're messing with things you don't understand. Peter Parker: Oh, my god. What do I do? Karen, uh, give me an X-ray of the boat and target all the strongest points. Web grenade. Web grenade. Splitter web, go. Karen: Great job, Peter. You are 98 percent successful. Peter Parker: Ninety-eight? Man: Yeah, Spider-Man! Peter Parker: No, no, no, no! No! What the hell? What the hell... Tony Stark: Hi, Spider-Man. Band practice, was it? Man: Yeah, Iron Man! Peter Parker: Uh, Mr. Stark? Hey, Mr. Stark. Could I do anything? What do you want me to do? Tony Stark: I think you've done enough. Adrian Toomes: So that's it, you're just gonna run? Herman Schultz: Feds were waiting for us. Now we're on Iron Man's radar? Yeah, I'm running. You should, too. Adrian Toomes: You know I can't do that. Herman Schultz: So now what? Adrian Toomes: Mason, can you get that high-altitude seal thing up and running in time? Phineas Mason: Seriously? Yes. You will not regret this. Adrian Toomes: You in? Tony Stark: Previously on Peter Screws the Pooch: I tell you to stay away from this. Instead, you hacked a multimillion-dollar suit so you could sneak around behind my back doing the one thing I told you not to do. Peter Parker: Is everyone okay? Tony Stark: No thanks to you. Peter Parker: No thanks to me? Those weapons were out there, and I tried to tell you about it. But you didn't listen. None of this would've happened if you had just listened to me. If you even cared, you'd actually be here. Tony Stark: I did listen, kid. Who do you think called the FBI, huh? Do you know that I was the only one who believed in you? Everyone else said I was crazy to recruit a 14-year-old kid. Peter Parker: I'm fifteen. Tony Stark: No, this is where you zip it, all right? The adult is talking. What if somebody had died tonight? Different story, right? 'Cause that's on you. And if you died, I feel like that's on me. I don't need that on my conscience. Peter Parker: Yes, sir. Tony Stark: Yes. Peter Parker: I, I'm sorry. Tony Stark: Sorry doesn't cut it. Peter Parker: I understand. I just wanted to be like you. Tony Stark: And I wanted you to be better. Okay, it's not working out. I'm gonna need the suit back. Peter Parker: For how long? Tony Stark: Forever. Yeah. Yeah, that's how it works. Peter Parker: No, no, no... Please, please, please... Tony Stark: Let's have it. Peter Parker: You don't understand. Please. This is all I have. I'm nothing without this suit. Tony Stark: If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it. Okay? God, I sound like my dad. Peter Parker: I don't have any other clothes. Tony Stark: Okay, we'll sort that out. Peter Parker: Hey. May Parker: I've been calling you all day. You didn't answer your phone. You can't do that. Then this ferry thing happens. I've called five police stations. Five. I called five of your friends. Peter Parker: I'm fine. May Parker: I called Ned's mother. Peter Parker: May, I'm okay. Honestly. Just relax. I'm fine. May Parker: You. Cut the bullshit. I know you left detention. I know you left the hotel room in Washington. I know you sneak out of this house every night. That's not fine. Peter, you have to tell me what's going on. Just lay it out. It's just me and you. Peter Parker: I lost the Stark internship. May Parker: What? Peter Parker: Yeah. May Parker: What happened? Peter Parker: I just thought that I could work really hard and he could, he would, you know. But I screwed it up. May Parker: Oh... It's okay, it's okay. It's okay. Peter Parker: I'm sorry I made you worry. May Parker: You know I'm not trying to ruin your life. Peter Parker: Yeah, I know. May Parker: Just... I used to sneak out too. Peter Parker: Yeah. May Parker: And take a shower. You smell. You smell like garbage. Peter Parker: I know. Principal Morita: Peter, you're a good kid and you're a smart kid. So just try to keep your head straight, okay? Peter Parker: Okay. Principal Morita: All right. Get out of here. Ned Leeds: Are you expelled? Do you have to go to that high school on 46th where the principal has a crossbow? Peter Parker: Pretty sure that's an urban myth, and no, I'm not expelled. Ned Leeds: You're so lucky. Peter Parker: I like doing homework. Spanish Teacher: Very good, Mr. Parker. Peter Parker: Hey. Liz Toomes: Hey. Peter Parker: I thought you had calculus fifth period. Liz Toomes: Yeah, I was just doing some homecoming stuff. Peter Parker: Hey, look, I, uh... I just wanted to apologize about the whole Decathlon thing. I really- Liz Toomes: It's fine. Last week, Decathlon was the most important thing, but then I almost died. Peter Parker: No, I, I just mean that... it was not cool, especially... because... I like you. Liz Toomes: I know. Peter Parker: You do? Liz Toomes: You're terrible at keeping secrets. Peter Parker: Yeah, you'd be surprised. I got to get to class, but, um, I'd say we should hang out, but I'm gonna be in detention for... Liz Toomes: Uh-huh. Peter Parker: ...ever, but, um, I guess you already have a date to homecoming. Liz Toomes: Actually, I was so busy planning it I never really got around to that part, so... Peter Parker: Uh, do you want to go with me? Liz Toomes: Yeah. Sure. Peter Parker: Really? I mean, uh, great. Cool. Liz Toomes: Cool. Peter Parker: I'm actually going that way. May, I need your help. May Parker: Right? It's game day. So, what's the plan? Peter Parker: Open the door for her. May Parker: Mm-hmm. Peter Parker: Tell her she looks nice, but not too much because that's creepy. May Parker: Don't be creepy. Peter Parker: No. And, uh, when I dance with her, I'm putting my hands on her hips. I got this. Love you. May Parker: Bye. Adrian Toomes: You must be Peter. Peter Parker: Yeah. Adrian Toomes: I'm Liz's dad. Put her there. Hell of a grip. Come on in here. Come on. Doris Toomes: Hi, Peter. You look very handsome. Peter Parker: Thank you. Doris Toomes: You got his name right? Adrian Toomes: Freddie? Doris Toomes: Peter. Adrian Toomes: Peter, Peter. Doris Toomes: I'm gonna go get Liz. Peter Parker: Okay. Adrian Toomes: You all right, Pete? Peter Parker: Yeah. Adrian Toomes: Because you look pale. You want something to drink? Like a bourbon or a scotch, or something like that? Peter Parker: I'm not old enough to drink. Adrian Toomes: That's the right answer. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Do you look beautiful. Liz Toomes: Please don't embarrass me, Dad. Adrian Toomes: Doesn't she, Pete? Peter Parker: Yeah, you look really good. Adrian Toomes: Once again, that's the right answer. Liz Toomes: Is that a corsage? Thanks. Adrian Toomes: Well, hey, I'm your chauffeur, so, uh, let's get this show on the road. Doris Toomes: No, no, no, no, we have to take some pictures, babe. All right. Oh, right here. Perfect. Liz Toomes: Mom. Doris Toomes: Okay. Come on, you guys. Peter, closer. Smile. There you go. Peter Parker: Sir, you don't have to drive us. Adrian Toomes: No, no, it's not a big deal. I'm going out of town. It's right on my way. Doris Toomes: He's always coming and going. Adrian Toomes: Last time. Doris Toomes: Have fun. Liz Toomes: Thank you. Adrian Toomes: Promise. Doris Toomes: He's cute. Liz Toomes: Shh. Adrian Toomes: See you in a couple of days. Doris Toomes: Bye, baby. Adrian Toomes: All right. Come on, Pedro. Doris Toomes: Bye, Peter. Have fun. Peter Parker: Yeah, I will. Adrian Toomes: What are you gonna do, Pete? Peter Parker: What? Adrian Toomes: When you graduate, what do you think you're gonna do? Peter Parker: Oh, um, I don't know. Liz Toomes: Don't grill him, Dad. Adrian Toomes: Just saying, you know. All you guys who go to that school, you pretty much have your life planned out, right? Peter Parker: Yeah, no, I'm just a sophomore. Liz Toomes: Peter has an internship with Tony Stark. So I think he doesn't have to worry. Adrian Toomes: Really? Liz Toomes: Mm-hmm. Adrian Toomes: Stark? Liz Toomes: So cool. Adrian Toomes: What do you do? Peter Parker: Yeah, actually, I don't intern for him anymore. Liz Toomes: Seriously? Peter Parker: Yeah, it got, um... boring. Liz Toomes: It was boring? You got to hang out with Spider-Man. Adrian Toomes: Really? Spider-Man? Wow. What's he like? Peter Parker: Yeah, he's nice. Nice man. Solid dude. Adrian Toomes: Hmm. Liz Toomes: Look, so cute. Peter Parker: Aww... Adrian Toomes: I've seen you around, right? I mean... Somewhere. We've, uh, have we ever? Because even the voice... Liz Toomes: Um, he does Academic Decathlon with me. Adrian Toomes: Oh. Liz Toomes: And he was at my party. Adrian Toomes: Ah. Peter Parker: It was a great party, really great, yeah. Beautiful house, a lot of windows. Liz Toomes: You were there for, like, two seconds. Peter Parker: That was... I was there longer than two seconds. Liz Toomes: You disappeared. Peter Parker: No, no. I did not disappear. Liz Toomes: Yes, you did. You disappeared like you always do. Like you did in D.C., too. Adrian Toomes: That's terrible, what happened down there in D.C., though. Were you scared? I'll bet you were glad when your old pal Spider-Man showed up in the elevator, though, huh? Peter Parker: Yeah, well, I actually didn't go up. I saw it all from the ground. Liz Toomes: Yeah. Peter Parker: Very lucky that he was there that day. Adrian Toomes: Good old Spider-Man. Liz Toomes: Dad, the light. Adrian Toomes: Here we are. End of the line. Liz Toomes: Thanks, Dad. Adrian Toomes: You head in there, gumdrop. I'm gonna give Peter the, uh, the "dad talk." Liz Toomes: Don't let him intimidate you. Love you. Adrian Toomes: Love you, gumdrop. Liz Toomes: Have a safe flight. Hi! You guys look so pretty. Adrian Toomes: Does she know? Peter Parker: Know what? Adrian Toomes: So she doesn't. Good. Close to the vest. I admire that. I've got a few secrets of my own. Of all the reasons I didn't want my daughter to date... Peter, nothing is more important than family. You saved my daughter's life. I could never forget something like that. So I'm gonna give you one chance. Are you ready? You walk through those doors, you forget any of this happened. And don't you ever, ever interfere with my business again. Because if you do, I'll kill you and everybody you love. I'll kill you dead. That's what I'll do to protect my family. Do you understand? Hey. I just saved your life. Now, what do you say? Peter Parker: Thank you. Adrian Toomes: You're welcome. Now, you go in there and you show my daughter a good time, okay? Just not too good. Liz Toomes: Hey. What did he say to you? Peter Parker: Gotta go. I'm, I'm sorry. You don't deserve this. Herman Schultz: He gave you a choice. You chose wrong. Peter Parker: Ah, what the hell? Herman Schultz: What's with the crappy costume? Peter Parker: My web-shooters... Herman Schultz: I wasn't sure about this thing at first, but damn. Peter Parker: Ugh. Gross. Why did he send you here? Herman Schultz: Guess you'll never know. Peter Parker: Nice shot! Yes! Ned, the guy with the wings is Liz's dad. Ned Leeds: What? Peter Parker: I know. I gotta tell Mr. Stark. Call Happy Hogan. He's Mr. Stark's head of security. And, uh, get a computer to track my phone for me. Ned Leeds: Are you gonna be okay? Peter Parker: Hurry, we gotta catch him before he leaves town. Flash Thompson: I'm sorry about dinner, but I know when branzino's fresh, and that was not fresh, okay? So... Peter Parker: Flash, I need your car and your phone. Flash Thompson: Uh, sir, technically, this is my dad's car, sir. So I can't... Peter Parker: Hello, Ned? Hey, hey, hey, hey, can you hear me? Ned Leeds: Go for Ned. Peter Parker: Ned, I need you to track my phone for me. Ned Leeds: Yeah, but where is it? Genius move. Okay, he just passed the GameStop on Jackson Avenue. Peter Parker: Hey, where are the headlights on this thing? I'm in Flash's car. Ned Leeds: I'll pull the specs. Peter Parker: Okay, you're on speakerphone. Ned Leeds: You stole Flash's car. Awesome. Peter Parker: Yeah, it's awesome. It's awe... Whoa! Get out of the way, get out of the way! Move! Move! Ned Leeds: Peter, are you okay? Peter Parker: I've never really driven before. Only with May in parking lots. This is a huge step up... Hey, have you gotten through to Happy yet? Ned Leeds: Yeah. I'm working on it. I just gotta backdoor the phone system. Guy in the chair. Happy Hogan: Takeoff in nine minutes. Hello? Hello? Who is this? Ned Leeds: Uh... Mr. Happy, it's Ned. Happy Hogan: Who? Ned Leeds: I'm an associate of Peter Parker. Got something very important to tell you- Happy Hogan: You gotta be shitting me. Ned Leeds: Damn. Peter Parker: Hey, Ned, how we coming on with those headlights? Ned Leeds: Uh... Round knob to the left of the steering wheel, turn clockwise. Peter Parker: Left. Okay. Okay, perfect. So where's my phone now? Ned Leeds: Um... He stopped in an old industrial park in Brooklyn. Peter Parker: What? That makes no sense. I thought he said he was going out of town! Ned Leeds: Weird. Oh, I reached Mr. Happy. Don't think he likes you, by the way. It sounded like he was catching a flight. He said something about taking off in nine minutes. Peter Parker: What? Ned Leeds: He was surrounded by a bunch of boxes. Peter Parker: Boxes? It's moving day. It's moving day! It's moving day! He's gonna rob that plane! I gotta stop him! Happy Hogan: All right, wheels up in eight minutes. We just got to load Tony's old Hulkbuster armor, prototype for Cap's new shield, and the Meging... the Meg... the... Thor's magic belt. Ned Leeds: Okay, slow down. You're getting close. It's on your right. Peter Parker: What? Ned Leeds: Turn right! Turn right! Peter, are you okay? Peter Parker: Yeah. Just keep trying to get through to Happy. Ned Leeds: It's been an honor, Spider-Man. Ms. Warren: What are you doing here? There's a dance. Ned Leeds: Uh... I'm... looking... at... porn. Peter Parker: Hey! Surprised? Adrian Toomes: Oh, hey, Pete. I didn't hear you come in. Peter Parker: It's over. I've got you. Adrian Toomes: You know, I gotta tell you, Pete, I really, really admire your grit. I see why Liz likes you. I do. When you first came to the house, I wasn't sure. I thought, "Really?" But I get it now. Peter Parker: How could you do this to her? Adrian Toomes: To her? I'm not doing anything to her, Pete. I'm doing this for her. Peter Parker: Huh, yeah. Adrian Toomes: Peter, you're young. You don't understand how the world works. Peter Parker: Yeah, but I understand that selling weapons to criminals is wrong. Adrian Toomes: How do you think your buddy Stark paid for that tower? Or any of his little toys? Those people, Pete, those people up there, the rich and the powerful, they do whatever they want. Guys like us, like you and me, they don't care about us. We build their roads and we fight all their wars and everything, but they don't care about us. We have to pick up after 'em. We have to eat their table scraps. That's how it is. I know you know what I'm talking about, Peter. Peter Parker: Why are you telling me this? Adrian Toomes: Because I want you to understand. And... I needed a little time to get her airborne. I'm sorry, Peter. Peter Parker: What are you talking about? That thing hasn't even touched me yet. Adrian Toomes: True. Then again, wasn't really trying to. Phineas Mason: Chief, they're powering up engines. Adrian Toomes: Okay. Phineas Mason: Come on, come on, come on. Adrian Toomes: Yeah, yeah. Peter Parker: Oh, god. Okay, ready? Hello! Hello! Please. Hey, hey, please. I'm down here. I'm down here. I'm stuck. I'm stuck. I can't move. I can't... Tony Stark: If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it. Peter Parker: Come on, Peter. Come on, Spider-Man. Come on, Spider-Man. Come on, Spider-Man. Come on, Spider-Man! Phineas Mason: Launch for intercept. Green light. Green light. Adrian Toomes: Oh, yeah. Tech: Retro-reflective panels engaged. Adrian Toomes: Got a visual on the plane, feeling a little resistance. Phineas Mason: It's probably just a drag on the new turbines. Peter Parker: Ah! Whoa! Phineas Mason: Look out for the cloaking cameras. Stay in the blind spots. Peter Parker: Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Phineas Mason: Deploy high-altitude vacuum seal. Adrian Toomes: This better work, Mason. Phineas Mason: Trust me, boss. Even one of those boxes and we are set for life. Adrian Toomes: Yeah. Peter Parker: Hey! Ah! Whew. Phineas Mason: You have thirty seconds to get to the cockpit and override their security. Adrian Toomes: Cloning transponder signal. Phineas Mason: Launching decoy drone. Adrian Toomes: Entering new coordinates. Happy Hogan: Good, so it's on its way? Tech: Yes, sir, right on course. Happy Hogan: Okay, thank you. All right. Adrian Toomes: Hot dog. Peter Parker: Just a typical homecoming on the outside of an invisible jet... Fighting my girlfriend's dad. Oh, god! Whew. I can't believe that worked. Phineas Mason: Chief, chief, they're losing altitude. Get out of there. Adrian Toomes: I'm not going home empty-handed. Peter Parker: Oh, my god. Phineas Mason: Get out of there! What are you doing? Peter Parker: Please turn! Please turn! Adrian Toomes: Hey, Pedro. Bingo. Peter Parker: Your wing suit. Your wing suit's gonna explode! Adrian Toomes: Time to go home, Pete. Peter Parker: I'm trying to save you! No. Ned Leeds: It looked so insane. That whole... Like, it was just crazy. He, he was just like, "Zzzz," and you were like, "Ah!" Peter Parker: Shh. Ned Leeds: And then I just hit him with the "pew." It was so, oh, my god. Peter Parker: You saved me. It was awesome. Hey, Liz! Betty Brant: I'm gonna miss you. Liz Toomes: Bye. Peter Parker: Liz. Liz, look. I'm so sorry. Liz Toomes: You say that a lot. What are you sorry for this time? The dance? That was a pretty crappy thing to do. Peter Parker: Well, yeah, but I... I mean, your dad... I can't imagine what you're going through. If there's anything I can do to help... Liz Toomes: I guess we're moving to Oregon. Mom says it's nice there, so that's cool. Anyways, Dad doesn't want us here during the trial, so... Peter Parker: Liz, I... I... Liz Toomes: Bye, Peter. Whatever's going on with you, I hope you figure it out. Mr. Harrington: Congratulations, Decathlon national champions. Decathlon Team: Yeah! Mr. Harrington: I'm gonna have to put this back in the trophy case soon, but just for motivation right now at this practice. I'm a little ahead of the game, but we will need a new team captain next year. So I'm appointing Michelle. Decathlon Team: Yeah! Michelle "Mj" Jones: Uh, thank you. My friends call me M.J. Ned Leeds: I thought you didn't have any friends. Michelle "Mj" Jones: I didn't. Peter Parker: I... I gotta go. Michelle "Mj" Jones: Hey, where you going? What are you hiding, Peter? I'm just kidding. I don't care. Bye. All right, so we should run some drills. Ned Leeds: Yeah. Peter Parker: Hey, Happy. What, uh... What are you doing here? Happy Hogan: I really owe you one. I don't know what I would do without this job. I mean, before I met Tony- Peter Parker: So, uh, how long you been here? Happy Hogan: Long enough to be awkward. Boss wants to see you. Peter Parker: Is he here too? Happy Hogan: In the toilet? No, he's upstate. Peter Parker: Upstate? Like, upstate-upstate? Happy Hogan: Yeah, let's go. Take a look. It's pretty impressive, huh? They just finished remodeling the whole thing. You don't see that every day. Tony Stark: Oh, there they are. How was the ride up? Happy Hogan: Good. Tony Stark: Give me a minute with the kid. Happy Hogan: Seriously? Tony Stark: Yeah. I gotta talk to the kid. Happy Hogan: I'll be close behind. Tony Stark: How about a loose follow? All right? Boundaries are good. Sorry I took your suit. I mean, you had it coming. Actually, it turns out it was the perfect sort of tough-love moment that you needed, right? To urge you on, right? Wouldn't you think? Don't you think? Peter Parker: Yeah, yeah, I guess. Tony Stark: Let's just say it was. Peter Parker: Mr. Stark, I really- Tony Stark: You screwed the pooch hard. Big time. But then you did the right thing. Took the dog to the free clinic, you raised the hybrid puppies... All right, not my best analogy. I was wrong about you. I think, with a little more mentoring, you could be a real asset to the team. Peter Parker: To the... To the team? Tony Stark: Yeah. Anyway... There's about fifty reporters behind that door. Real ones, not bloggers. When you're ready... Why don't you try that on? And I'll introduce the world to the newest official member of the Avengers: Spider-Man. Peter Parker: I... Tony Stark: Yeah. Give that a look. So, after the press conference, Happy will show you to your room, your new quarters. Where's he between? He's next to Vision? Happy Hogan: Yeah, Vision's not big on doors. Tony Stark: It's fun. Happy Hogan: Or walls. Tony Stark: You'll fit right in. Peter Parker: Thank you, Mr. Stark. But I'm good. Tony Stark: You're good? Good? How are you good? Peter Parker: Well, I mean, I'm... I'd rather just stay on the ground for a little while. Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Somebody's got to look out for the little guy, right? Tony Stark: You turning me down? You better think about this. Look at that. Look at me. Last chance, yes or no? Peter Parker: No. Tony Stark: Okay. It's kind of a Springsteen-y, working class hero vibe that I dig. Uh, Happy will take you home. Yeah? Happy Hogan: Yeah. Mind waiting in the car? I need a minute. Peter Parker: Thank you, Mr. Stark. Tony Stark: Yes, Mr. Parker. Very well. Peter Parker: See you around. Tony Stark: Okay. Peter Parker: That was a test, right? There's, uh, nobody back there? Tony Stark: Yes, you passed. All right, skedaddle there, young buck. Peter Parker: Thank you, Mr. Stark. Thank you. Tony Stark: Yeah, thank you. Happy Hogan: Told you he's a good kid. Pepper Potts: Where's the kid? Happy Hogan: He left. Pepper Potts: Everybody's waiting. Tony Stark: You know what? He actually made a really mature choice. It just surprised the heck out of us. Pepper Potts: Did you guys screw this up? Tony Stark: He told the kid to go wait in the car. Pepper Potts: Are you kidding me? I have a room full of people in there waiting for some big announcement. What am I gonna tell them? Tony Stark: Think of something. How about, um... Hap, you still got that ring? Happy Hogan: Do I... I, uh... Tony Stark: The engagement ring? Happy Hogan: Are you kidding? I've been carrying this since 2008. Tony Stark: Okay. Pepper Potts: I think I can think of something better than that. Tony Stark: Well, it would buy us a little time. Like we need time. Pepper Potts: I can't believe you have that thing in your pocket. Tony Stark: Want me to get the door for you, hon? Pepper Potts: I got it. Peter Parker: Aunt May, did you do dinner already? May? May Parker: What the fu...? Mac Gargan: Look who it is! What are the odds you and I'd end up in the same summer camp? Relax. This? It's not on you. It's on our, uh... little spider friend. I've got some boys on the outside who would love to meet him. You know, take a picture, slice his throat, put his head in a dryer. And I heard a rumor... you know who he is. Adrian Toomes: If I knew who he was, he'd already be dead. Guard: Toomes, your family's here. Steve Rogers: Hi. I'm Captain America. Here to talk to you about one of the most valuable traits a soldier or student can have. Patience. Sometimes patience is the key to victory. Sometimes it leads to very little. It seems like it's not worth it. And you wonder why you waited so long for something so disappointing. How many more of these?

Thor: Now I know what you're thinking. Oh no! Thor's in a cage. How did this happen? Well, sometimes you have to get captured just to get a straight answer out of somebody. It's a long story but basically I'm a bit of a hero. See, I spent some time on earth, fought some robots, saved the planet a couple of times. Then I went searching through the cosmos for some magic, colorful Infinity Stone things... didn't find any. That's when I came across a path of death and destruction which led me all the way here into this cage... where I met you. How much longer do you think we'll be here? Surtur: Thor, Son of Odin. Thor: Surtur. Son of a bitch...you're still alive! I thought my father killed you, like, half a million years ago. Surtur: I cannot die. Not until I fulfill my destiny and lay waste to your home. Thor: You know, it's funny you should mention that because I've been having these terrible dreams of late. Asgard up in flames, falling to ruins, and you Surtur are at the center of all of them. Surtur: Then you have seen Ragnarok, the fall of Asgard. The great prophecy- Thor: Hang on. Hang on. I'll be back around shortly. I really feel like we were connecting there. Okay, so, Ragnarok. Tell me about that. Walk me through it. Surtur: My time has come. When my crown is reunited with the Eternal Flame, I shall be restored to my full might. I will tower over the mountains and bury my sword deep in Asgard's- Thor: Oh, hang on. Give it a second. I swear I'm not even moving, it's just doing this on its own. I'm really sorry. Okay, let me get this straight. You're going to put your crown into the Eternal Flame, and then you'll suddenly grow as big as a house- Surtur: A mountain! Thor: The Eternal Flame that Odin keeps locked away on Asgard? Surtur: Odin is not on Asgard. And your absence has left the throne defenseless. Thor: Okay, so where is it? This crown? Surtur: This is my Crown, the source of my power. Thor: Oh, that's a crown? I thought it was a big eyebrow. Surtur: It's a crown. Thor: Anyway, it sounds like all I have to do to stop Ragnarok is rip that thing off your head. Surtur: But Ragnarok has already begun. You cannot stop it. I am Asgard's doom, and so are you. All will suffer, all will burn. Thor: That's intense. To be honest, seeing you grow really big and set fire to a planet would be quite the spectacle. But it looks like I'm going to have to go with option B where I bust out of these chains, knock that tiara off your head, and stash it away in Asgard's vault. Surtur: You cannot stop Ragnarok. Why fight it? Thor: Because that's what heroes do. Wait, sorry. I didn't time that right. And, now! Surtur: You have made a grave mistake, Odinson. Thor: I make grave mistakes all the time. Everything seems to work out. Heimdall. I know it's been a while, but I could use a fast exit! ...Heimdall? Skurge: Heimdall was an idiot. This job should have made him rich. Now, the job ain't easy, but it does have its benefits. The Bi-Frost gives me access to everything the Nine Realms have to offer. I mean it's all mine for the taking. Behold...my stuff. I'm particularly fond of these. I pulled 'em out of a place on Midgard called Texas. I even named them. Des and Troy. You see, when you put them together...they destroy. Thor: Heimdall, come on. Stay. I'm running short on- -options. Heimdall? Asgardian Woman: Skurge, is that important? Skurge: You girls are in for a treat. Girls! Well well, look who decided to pop in. Thanks for scaring away my company and drenching my workplace in brains. Thor: Who are you? Skurge: Don't you remember? I'm Skurge. We fought together on Vanaheim. Thor: Right. Where's Heimdall? Skurge: That traitor. No one knows, he's a fugitive of the throne. Thor: Traitor? Skurge: Yeah, you see, Odin charged Heimdall with negligence of duty, but he disappeared before the trial. Hard to catch a guy who can see everything in the Universe. Thor: Sure. Skurge: Hold on. I'm supposed to announce your arrival. Thor: What the hell is that? Actor Loki: Oh, brother. This is it. I take my leave. Actor Thor: You fool, you didn't listen! Actor Loki: I'm sorry. Actor Thor: Lady Sif! Get help! Actor Sif: Somebody help! Actor Loki: Sorry for all I've done. Actor Thor: It's all right. Hold on. Actor Loki: I'm sorry I tried to rule Earth. Actor Thor: They'd be lucky to have you. Actor Loki: I'm sorry about that thing with the Tesseract. I just couldn't help myself. Actor Thor: I know. Actor Loki: I'm a trickster. Actor Thor: So mischievous. Actor Loki: Sorry about that time I turned you into a frog. Actor Thor: It was a wonderful joke. Odin: Twas indeed hilarious. Actor Thor: You are the savior of Asgard. Actor Loki: Tell my story. Actor Thor: I will. Actor Loki: Build a statue for me. Actor Thor: We will build a big statue for you. Actor Loki: With my helmet on, with the big bendy horns. Actor Thor: I will tell Father what you did here today. Actor Loki: I didn't do it for him. Actor Thor: Noooooo!!! Actor Odin: And so Loki died of his wounds, giving his life for ours. He fought back those disgusting dark elves. He brought peace to the realm. Loki, my boy...'Twas many moons ago I found you on a frost-bitten battlefield. On that day, I did not yet see in you Asgard's savior. No. You were merely a little blue baby icicle... that melted this old fool's heart. Odin: Bravo! Bravo! Well done. Bravo. Thor: Father. Odin: Oh, shit. My son! Thor has returned! Greetings my boy. Thor: It's an interesting play. What's it called? Odin: The Tragedy of Loki of Asgard. The people wanted to commemorate him. Thor: Indeed they should. I like that statue. A lot better looking than he was when he was alive, though. A little less weasely. Less greasy maybe. You know what this is? Odin: The skull of Surtur? That's a formidable weapon. Thor: Do me a favor. Lock this in a vault so it doesn't turn into a giant monster and destroy the whole planet. Odin: So it's back to Midgard for you, is it? Thor: Nope. I've been having this reocurring dream lately. Every night I see Asgard fall into ruins... Odin: That's just a silly dream... Signs of an overactive imagination. Thor: Possibly... but then I decide to go out there and investigate. And what do I find, but the Nine Realms completely in chaos. Enemies of Asgard assembling, plotting our demise, all while you, Odin, the protector of those Nine Realms, are sitting here in your bathrobe, eating grapes. Odin: Well, it is best to respect our neighbors' freedom. Thor: Of course, the freedom to be massacred. Odin: Yes, besides, I have been rather busy myself. Thor: Watching theatre. Odin: Board meetings, and security council meetings... Thor: You really going to make me do it? Odin: Do what? Thor: You know that nothing will stop Mjolnir as it returns to my hand. Not even your face. Odin: You've gone quite mad. You'll be executed for this! Thor: Then I'll see you on the other side...brother. Loki: Alright, I yield! Skurge: Behold! Thor..Odinson. Loki: You had one job! Just the one. Thor: Where's Odin? Loki: You just couldn't stay away, could you? Everything was fine without you. Asgard was prospering. You've ruined everything. Ask them. Thor: Where's father? Did you kill him? Loki: You had what you wanted, you had the independence you asked for! Ow-ow-ow! Alright! I know exactly where he is. I swear, I left him right here. Thor: Right here on the sidewalk? Or right there, where the building that's being demolished? Great planning. Loki: How was I supposed to know? Can't see into the future. I'm not a witch. Thor: Then why do you dress like one? Loki: Hey. Thor: I can't believe you're alive. I saw you die. I mourned you, I cried for you. Loki: I'm honored. College Girl 2: Ask him. College Girl 1: Hi. Would you mind taking a picture with us? Thor: Sure. Start figuring out where he is. College Girl 1: Oh, my god. College Girl 2: Sorry to hear that Jane dumped you. Thor: She didn't dump me, you know. I dumped her. It was a mutual dumping. What's this, what are you doing!? Loki: This... isn't me. Thor: Loki? Stephen Strange: Thor Odinson. God of Thunder. You can put down the umbrella. Thor: So earth has wizards now? Stephen Strange: The preferred term is "Master of the Mystic Arts." Thor: Alright wizard, who are you? Why should I care? Stephen Strange: My name is Doctor Stephen Strange and I have some questions for you. Take a seat. Tea? Thor: I don't drink tea. Stephen Strange: What do you drink? Thor: Not tea. Stephen Strange: So I keep a watch list of individuals and beings from other realms that may be a threat to this world. Your adopted brother Loki is one of these beings. Thor: He's a worthy inclusion. Stephen Strange: Then why bring him here? Thor: We're looking for my father. Stephen Strange: So. If I were to tell you where Odin was, all parties concerned would promptly return to Asgard? Thor: Promptly. Stephen Strange: Great. Then I'll help you. Thor: If you knew where he was, why didn't you call me? Stephen Strange: I have to tell you, he was adamant that he not be disturbed. Your father said he had chosen to remain in exile. And you don't have a phone. Thor: No, I don't have a phone, but you could have sent an electronic letter. It's called an email. Stephen Strange: Yeah, do you have a computer? Thor: No. What for? Anyway, my father is no longer in exile. So if you could tell me where he is, I can take him home. Stephen Strange: Gladly. He's in Norway. I'm just seeing whether this incantation requires any Asgardian modifications. Nope. Oh, we don't need that. Thor: Will you stop doing that? Stephen Strange: I need just one strand of your hair. Thor: Let me explain something, my hair is not to be meddled wi-! We could have just walked. Stephen Strange: He's waiting for you. Thor: All right. Stephen Strange: Don't forget your umbrella. Thor: Yes. Sorry I suppose I'll need my brother back. Stephen Strange: Yeah, right. Loki: ...I have been falling...for thirty minutes! Stephen Strange: You can handle him from here. Thor: Yeah of course. Thank you very much for your help. Stephen Strange: Good luck. Loki: Handle me? Who are you? Thor: Loki. Loki: ..you think you're some kind of sorcerer? Don't think for one minute, you second-rate... Stephen Strange: Bye-bye. Thor: Father? Odin: Look at this place. It's beautiful. Thor: Father, it's us. Odin: My sons. I've been waiting for you. Thor: I know. We've come to take you home. Odin: Home, yes. Your mother, she calls me. Do you hear it? Thor: Loki, lift your magic. Odin: Took me quite a while to break free from your spell. Frigga would have been proud. Come and sit with me. I don't have much time. Thor: I know that we failed you, but we can make this right. Odin: I failed you. It is upon us...Ragnarok. Thor: No, I've stopped Ragnarok. I put an end to Surtur. Odin: No. It has already begun. She's coming. My life was all that held her back, but my time has come. I cannot keep her away any longer. Thor: Father, who are you talking about? Odin: The Goddess of Death. Hela. My first born. Your sister. Thor: ...what? Odin: Her violent appetites grew beyond my control. I couldn't stop her, so I imprisoned her. Locked her away. She draws her strength from Asgard...and once she gets there, her powers will be limitless. Thor: Whatever she is, we can stop her. We can face her together. Odin: No we won't. I'm on a different path now. This you must face alone. I love you my sons. Look at that. Remember this place. Home. Loki: Brother. Thor: This was your doing. Hela: So he's gone? That's a shame. I would've liked to have seen that. Thor: You must be Hela. I'm Thor, son of Odin. Hela: Really, you don't look like him. Loki: Perhaps we can reach an arrangement. Hela: You sound like him. Kneel. Loki: Beg your pardon? Hela: Kneel...before your Queen. Thor: I don't think so. It's not possible. Hela: Darling, you have no idea what's possible. Loki: Bring us back! Thor: No!! Loki! Volstagg: Who are you!? What have you done with Thor? Hela: I'm Hela. Skurge: I'm just a janitor. Hela: You look like a smart boy with good survival instincts. How would you like a job? Lead Scrapper: Are you a fighter or are you food? Thor: I'm just passing through. Lead Scrapper: It is food. On your knees. Valkyrie: He's MINE. Wait! Wait! He's mine. So if you want him, you go through me. Scrapper: But we've already got him. Valkyrie: Alright then I guess I go through you. Lead Scrapper: More food. Thor: Thank you. Valkyrie: This is Scrapper 142. I need clearance and an audience with the boss. I've got something special. Thor: Hey! Where are you taking me? Answer me! Hey! I am Thor, son of Odin. I need to get back to Asgard. Valkyrie: Many apologies, your majesty. Hela: It's come to my attention that you don't know who I am. I am Hela, Odin's first born, Commander of the legions of Asgard, the rightful heir to the throne, and the Goddess of Death. My father is dead. As are the princes. You're welcome. We were once the seat of absolute power in the Cosmos. Our supremacy was unchallenged, yet Odin stopped at Nine Realms. Our destiny is to rule over all others. And I am here to restore that power. Kneel before me...and rise into the ranks of my great conquest. Hogun: Whoever you are... whatever you've done, surrender now! Or we will show you know mercy. Hela: Whoever I am? Did you listen to a word I said? Hogun: This is your last warning! Hela: I thought you'd be happy to see me. Fine. Oh, I've missed this. Still, it's a shame. Good soldiers dying for nothing...all because they couldn't see the future. Sad. Oh! Look, still alive. Change of heart? Hogun: Go back to whatever cave you crept out of you evil demoness! Hela: Let's go see my palace. Soothing Voice: Fear not, for you are found. You are home, and there is no going back. No one leaves this place. But what is this place? The answer in Sakaar. Surrounded by cosmic gateways, Sakaar lives on the edge of the known and unknown. It is the collection point for all lost and unloved things. Like you. But here on Sakaar, you are significant. You are valuable. Here, you are loved. Thor: What...the hell? Soothing Voice: And no one loves you more than the Grandmaster. He is the original. The first lost, and the first found. The creator of Sakaar and the father of the Contest of Champions. Where once you were nothing, now you are something. You are the property of the Grandmaster. Congratulations! You will meet the Grandmaster in five seconds. Prepare yourself. Prepare yourself. You are now meeting the Grandmaster. Grandmaster: He's wonderful. It is a he? Valkyrie: It's a he. Grandmaster: Yeah. I love when you come to visit 142, you bring me the best stuff. Whenever we get to talking, Topaz, about Scrapper 142...what do I always say? "She is the..." and it starts with a B. Topaz: Trash. Grandmaster: No, not trash. Were you waiting just to call her that? It doesn't start with a "B." Topaz: Booze hag. Grandmaster: I'm so sorry. No, "best." I was thinking about "best." Because I always say you're the best. She brought me my precious beloved Champion, you know. Topaz: You say that every time she's here. Grandmaster: What have you brought today? Tell me. Valkyrie: A contender. Thor: A what? Grandmaster: I need to go closer. I want a closer look at this. Can you take us closer? Thank you. Pay this lady. Thor: Just wait a damn minute. I'm not for sale. Grandmaster: Man. He is a fighter. Valkyrie: I'd take 10 million. Topaz: Tell her she's dreaming. Grandmaster: For heaven's sake, transfer the units. Thor: You'll pay for this! Valkyrie: No, I got paid for this. Grandmaster: Here's what I wanna know. Who are you? Thor: I am the God of THUNDER!!! Grandmaster: Wow. I didn't hear any thunder, but out of your fingers, was that like...sparkles? Topaz: We located your cousin. Grandmaster: Oh good! Yeah, come on. I think you're gonna like this. There he is. Hey, cuz. We almost couldn't find you. What, have you been hiding? Thor: Hi. Grandmaster: So... Cousin Carlo: Please. I'm sorry. Grandmaster: Carlo... I pardon you. Cousin Carlo: Thank you. Thank you. Grandmaster: You're officially pardoned...from life. Thor: Oh, my god! Grandmaster: I'm stepping in it. I'm stepping in it. Look out! Thor: Oh, the smell. Grandmaster: What does it smell like? Topaz: Burnt toast. Grandmaster: What happened to my manners? I haven't properly introduced myself. Come on. Follow me. My name is Grandmaster. I preside over a little harlequinade called the Contest of Champions. People come from far and wide to unwillingly participate in it. And you, my friend, might just be part of the new cast. What do you say to that? Thor: We're not friends, and I don't give a shit about your games! I'm going back to Asgard! Grandmaster: Ass-gard? One, two, three, four. Loki: There was a wormhole in space and time beneath me. At that moment, I let go. Thor: Loki!? Loki! Over here! Loki: Excuse me one second. Thor: Loki! Loki: What? You're alive? Thor: Yes, of course I'm alive. Loki: What are you doing here? Thor: What do you mean, what am I doing? I'm stuck in this stupid chair. Where's your chair? Loki: I didn't get a chair. Thor: Get me out of this one. Loki: I can't. Thor: What? Loki: I've made friends with this man. He's called the Grandmaster. Thor: Oh, he's crazy! Loki: I've gained his favor.. The Bi- Frost brought me out here weeks ago. Thor: Weeks ago? I just got here. Grandmaster: What are you whispering about? Time works real different around these parts. On any other world, I'd be like, millions of years old. But here on Sakaar... In any case, you know this... You call yourself Lord of Thunder? Thor: God of Thunder. Tell him. Loki: I've never met this man in my life. Thor: He's my brother. Loki: Adopted. Grandmaster: Is he any kind of a fighter? Thor: You take this thing out of my neck and I'll show you. Grandmaster: Now listen to that. He's threatening me. Hey, Sparkles, here's the deal. If you wanna get back to Ass-place, Assberg... Thor: Asgard. Grandmaster: Any contender who defeats my champion, their freedom they shall win. Thor: Fine. Then point me in the direction of whoever's ass I have to kick. Grandmaster: That's what I call, contender! Direction would be this way, Lord. Thor: Loki! Korg: Hey! Take it easy man! Over here. The pile of rocks waving at you. Yeah I'm actually a thing, I'm a being. Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Korg. I'm kind of like the leader in here. I'm made of rocks, as you can see, but don't let that intimidate you. You don't need to be afraid unless you're made of scissors. Just a little rock-paper-scissor joke for you. This is my very good friend over here, Miek. He's an insect and has knives for hands. Thor: You're a Kronan, aren't you? Korg: That I am. Thor: How'd you end up in here? Korg: Well, I tried to start a revolution but didn't print enough pamphlets, so hardly anyone turned up. Except for my mom and her boyfriend, who I hate. As punishment, I was forced to be in here and become a gladiator. Bit of a promotional disaster. But I'm actually organizing another revolution. I don't know if you'd be interested in something like that. Do you reckon you'd be interested? Thor: How did you... Korg: Yeah, no. This whole thing is a circle. But not a real circle, more like a freaky circle. Thor: This doesn't make any sense. Korg: No, nothing makes sense here. The only thing that does make sense, is that nothing makes sense. Thor: Has anyone here fought the Grandmaster's Champion? Korg: Doug has. Doug! Oh, right, Doug's dead. That's right. Everyone who fights the Grandmaster's champion perishes. Thor: What about you? You're made of rocks. Korg: Perishable rocks. There you go. Another one gone. Yeah, no, I just do the smaller fights, warm up the crowd and whatnot. Wait. You're not gonna face him, are you? Thor: Yes I am. Fight him, win, and get the hell out of this place. Korg: That's exactly what Doug used to say. See you later, new Doug. Hela: Does no one remember me? Has no one been taught our history? Look at these lies. Goblets and garden parties? Peace treaties? Odin... proud to have it... ashamed of how he got it. We were unstoppable. I was his weapon in the conquest that built Asgard's empire. One by one, the realms became ours. But then, simply because my ambition outgrew his...he banished me, caged me, locked me away like an animal. Before that, Asgard's warriors were honored, their bodies buried as heroes beneath this very place. Skurge: Odin's treasures. Hela: Fake. Most of the stuff in here is fake. Or weak. Smaller than I thought it would be. That's not bad? But this... The Eternal Flame. Want to see what true power looks like? Fenris. My darling, what have they done to you? With the Eternal Flame, you are reborn! I've missed you. I've missed you all. Thor: Odin, I bid you take your place in the halls of Valhalla... Where the brave shall live forever. Nor shall we mourn but rejoice- -for those that have died the glorious death. Loki: -for those that have died the glorious death. It hurts, doesn't it? Being lied to. Being told you're one thing and then learning it's all a fiction. You didn't think I'd really come and see you, did you? This place is disgusting. Does this mean you don't want my help? Look, I couldn't jeopardize my position with Grandmaster, it took me time to win his trust. He's a lunatic, but he can be amenable. What I'm telling you is, you could join me at the Grandmaster's side. Perhaps, in time, an accident befalls the Grandmaster, and then... You're not seriously thinking of going back, are you? Our sister destroyed your hammer like a piece of glass. She's stronger than both of us. She's stronger than you. You don't stand a chance. Do you understand what I'm saying to you? Fine. I guess I'll just have to go it alone. Like I've always done. Would you say something? Say something! Thor: What would you like me to say? You faked your own death, you stole the throne, stripped Odin of his power, stranded him on Earth... -to die, releasing the Goddess of Death. Have I said enough, or do you do you want me to go further back than the past two days? Loki: You know, I haven't seen this Beloved Champion he talks of, but I've heard he's astonishingly savage. I've placed a large wager against you tomorrow. Don't let me down. Korg: Piss off, ghost! He's freaking gone. Yuck! There's Still someone's hair and blood all over this. Guys, can you clean up the weapons once you finish your fight? Disgusting slobs. Thor...wanna use a big wooden fork? Thor: No. Korg: Yeah, not really useful unless you're fighting off three vampires that were huddled together. Thor: I really wish I had my hammer. Korg: Hammer? Thor: Quite unique. It was made from this special metal from the heart of a dying star. And when I spun it really, really fast it gave me the ability to fly. Korg: You rode a hammer? Thor: No, I didn't ride the hammer. Korg: The hammer rode you on your back? Thor: No. I used to spin it really fast, and it would pull me off the... Korg: Oh my God. The hammer pulled you off? Thor: The ground. It would pull me off the ground, up into the air, and I would fly. Every time I threw it, it would always come back to me. Korg: Sounds like you had a pretty special and intimate relationship wiht this hammer and that losing it was almost comparable to losing a loved one. Thor: That's a nice way of putting it. Valkyrie: I said they're mine. Thor: See her, the one that put me in here. Korg: Yeah, Scrapper 142. She's strong. And she drinks a lot. Gotta watch out for those Asgardians, man. They are hard to perish. Thor: Asgardian? Hey! Hey! Do not zap me with that thing. I just wanna talk. Asgard is in danger. My God, you're a Valkyrie. I used to wanna be a Valkyrie when I was younger...until I found out that you were all women. There's nothing wrong with women, of course. I love women. Sometimes a little too much. Not in a creepy way, just more of a respectful appreciation. I think it's great that there is an elite force of women warriors. It's about time. Valkyrie: Are you done? Warden: Lord of Thunder, you're up. Thor: Please, help me. I need your help. Valkyrie: Bye. Thor: Fine, then you must be a traitor or a coward because the Valkyrie are sworn to protect the throne. Valkyrie: Listen closely, your majesty. This is Sakaar, not Asgard. And I'm a scrapper, not a Valkyrie. Warden: Bring him in for processing! Valkyrie: And no one escapes this place. So you're gonna die anyway. Stan Lee: Now, don't you move. My hands ain't as steady as they used to be. Thor: By Odin's beard, you shall not cut my hair... lest you feel the wrath of the might Thor. Please. Please, kind sir, do not cut my hair! No! Grandmaster: Wow! Look at all of you. What a show, WHAT-A-NIGHT! Who's having fun? Please, I'm your host. Big round of applause for all of our undercard competitors... who died so gruesomely. Good sports. What a show! What a night! This is what you've come for and so have I. And now, without further ado... it's main event time!! Making his first appearance, though he looks quite promising, got a couple of tricks up his sleeve. I'll say no more, see what you think. Ladies and gentlemen... I give to you...Lord of Thunder! Watch out for his fingers. They make sparks. Okay, this is it. Let's get ready to welcome this guy. Here he comes. He is a creature. What can we say about him? Well, he's unique. There's none like him. I feel a special connection with him. He's undefeated. HE'S THE REIGNING...HE'S THE DEFENDING... Ladies and gentlemen... I give you... Thor: Yes! Loki: I have to get off this planet. Grandmaster: Hey, hey, hey! Where are you going? Thor: Hey! We know each other. He's a friend from work. Where have you been? Everybody thought you were dead. So much has happened since I last saw you. I lost my hammer. Like, yesterday, so that's still pretty fresh. Loki! Loki's alive. Can you believe it? He's up there. Loki! Look who it is! Banner, I never thought I would say this, but I'm happy to see you. Banner. Hey, Banner! Hulk: NO BANNER! ONLY HULK! Thor: What are you doing? It's me. Banner, we're friends. This is crazy. I don't want to hurt you! Grandmaster: Here we go. What? Thor: Hey, big guy. The sun's getting real low. That's it. The sun's going down. I won't hurt you anymore. No one will. Loki: Yes! That's how it feels! I'm just a huge fan of the sport. Thor: All right. Screw it. I know you're in there, Banner. I'll get you out! What's the matter with you? You're embarrassing me! I told them we were friends! Crowd: Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Korg: Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Another day, another Doug. Hela: What is that noise? Skurge: The common folk aren't exactly falling in line. There's a resistance trying to knock down the front gates. Hela: Tell me about yourself, Skurge. Skurge: Well, me dad was a stonemason, me mum was- Hela: I'll just stop you there. What I meant was what is your ambition? Skurge: I just want a chance to prove myself. Hela: Recognition. When I was young every great King had an executioner. Not just to execute people, but also to execute their vision. But mainly to execute people. Still a great honor. I was Odin's executioner. And you will be my executioner. Let's begin our conquest. Skurge, where's the sword? That sword is the key to opening the Bi-Frost. These people you mentioned, the ones who aren't falling into line. Round them up. Heimdall: Excuse me. Sorry about that. These bloody things are everywhere. Come on. You'll be safe here. Thor: Are we cool? It's Hulk in a hot tub. How long have you been like that? Hulk: Like what? Thor: Like this. Big, green, ...stupid. Hulk: Hulk always Hulk. Thor: How'd you get here? Hulk: Winning. Thor: You mean cheating? Were they wearing one of these when you won? How'd you arrive here? Hulk: Quinjet. Thor: Yes. Where is the Quinjet now? That's naked. He's very naked. It's in my brain now. Hulk: Quinjet. Thor: Yes! I'm getting us out of here. This is a terrible, awful place. You're gonna love Asgard. It's big. It's golden. Shiny. Hulk: Hulk stay. Thor: No, no, no. My people need me to get back to Asgard. We must prevent Ragnarok. Hulk: Rag-na-ruh? Thor: The prophesied death of my home world, the end of days, it's the end of- If you help me get back to Asgard, I can help you get back to Earth. Hulk: Earth hate Hulk. Thor: Earth loves Hulk. They love you. You're of the Avengers. One of the team, one of our friends. This is what friends do. They support each other. Hulk: You're Banner's friend. Thor: I'm not Banner's friend. I prefer you. Hulk: Banner's friend. Thor: I don't even like Banner. "I'm into numbers and science and stuff." Hulk: Thor go. Hulk Stay. Thor: Fine. Stay here. Stupid place. It's hideous, by the way. The red, the white. Just pick a color. Hulk: Smash you. Thor: You didn't smash anything. I won that fight Hulk: I smashed you. Thor: Yeah, sure, sure. Hulk: Baby Arms. Thor: What? Hulk: Baby. Thor: Moron! You big child. Hulk: Thor go! Thor: I am going. Hulk: Thor go again! Thor home. Hulk trains. Thor: That's great. Have fun. Heimdall, I know you can see me. I need you to help me. Help me see. Heimdall: I see you. But you are far away. Thor: What's going on here? Heimdall: Come see for yourself. I'm providing refuge in a stronghold build by our ancestors. But if the garrison falls our only escape will is Bi-Frost. Thor: You're talking about evacuating Asgard? Heimdall: We won't last long if we stay. She draws her power from Asgard and grows stronger everyday. Come on. Hela is ravenous. If I let her leave, she'll consume the Nine Realms and all the cosmos. We need you. Thor: I'm working on it, but I don't even really know where the hell I am. Heimdall: You're on a planet surrounded by doorways. Go through one. Thor: Which one? Heimdall: The big one! Hulk: Thor sad. Thor: Shut up. Hulk: THOR SAD!!! Thor: I'm not sad, you idiot. I'm pissed off! Angry. I lost my father. I lost my hammer. Hulk: Whining and crying. Cry like baby. Thor: You're not even listening. Hulk: Don't kick stuff. Thor: You're being a really bad friend. Hulk: You bad friend! Thor: You know what we call you? Hulk: No. Thor: We call you the stupid Avenger. Hulk: You're tiny Avenger! Thor: What, are you crazy? Hulk: Yes. Thor: You know what? Earth does hate you. Hulk: No. Thor: I'm sorry I said those things. You're not the stupid Avenger. Nobody calls you the stupid Avenger. Hulk: It's okay. Thor: You just can't go around throwing shields at people. Could have killed me. Hulk: I know. I'm sorry. I just get so angry all the time. Hulk always, always angry. Thor: I know. We're the same, you and I. We're just a couple of hot-headed fools. Hulk: Yeah, same. Hulk like fire, Thor like water. Thor: We're kind of both like fire. Hulk: But Hulk like real fire. Hulk like raging fire. Thor like smoldering fire. Thor: Hulk, I need you to do something for me. Hulk: Angry girl! Valkyrie: What's going on? What do you...? You're so thick-headed that you can't tell when someone's hiding all the way across the universe and wants to be left alone? Thor: We need to talk. Valkyrie: No, you want to talk to me. Thor: I need her to stay. Hulk: Stay! Please? Valkyrie: All right. Here's the deal. I'll listen to you till this is empty. Thor: Asgard is in danger and people are dying. We need to get back there. I need your help...wow. Valkyrie: Finished. Bye. Thor: Odin is dead. Hela, the Goddess of Death has invaded Asgard. Valkyrie: If Hela's back then Asgard is already lost. Thor: I'm going to stop her. Valkyrie: Alone? Thor: Nope. I'm putting together a team. It's me, you, and the big guy. Hulk: No team. Only Hulk. Thor: It's me and you. Valkyrie: I think it's only you. Thor: Wait. Just listen. The Valkyrie are legend, elite warriors of Asgard. You are sworn to defend the throne. Valkyrie: I'm not getting dragged into another one of Odin's family squabbles. Thor: What's that supposed to mean? Valkyrie: Your sister. Her power comes from Asgard, same as yours. When it grew beyond Odin's control, she massacred everyone in the palace and tried to seize the throne. When she tried to escape her banishment, he sent the Valkyrie in to fight her back. I only survived because... Look, I already faced her once back when I believed in the throne, and it cost me everything. THAT'S what's wrong with Asgard. The throne, the secrets, the whole golden sham. Thor: I agree. Valkyrie: Don't get familiar. Thor: I agree. That's why I turned down the throne. But this isn't about the crown. This is about the people. They're dying and they're you're people, too. Valkyrie: Forget it. I have. Thor: Okay. Valkyrie: Okay. Thor: Good. Great. Valkyrie: Great. Thor: Thank you. Valkyrie: For what? Thor: For this. Didn't see that did you? There... that's better. You know, go ahead. Stay here and get drunk and enslave people for that lunatic. Keep drinking. Keep hiding. But me... I choose to run toward my problems and not away from them. Because that's what... Because that's what heroes do. Hulk: Friend Stay! Thor: All right. Quinjet: Voice verification required. Thor: Thor. Quinjet: Access denied. Thor: Thor, son of Odin. Quinjet: Access denied. Thor: God of Thunder. Quinjet: Access denied. Thor: Strongest Avenger. Quinjet: Access denied. Thor: Strongest Avenger! Quinjet: Access denied. Thor: Damn you, Stark. Point Break. Quinjet: Welcome, Point Break. Hulk: Friend stay! Thor: No, no, no! Hulk: Stay! Thor: Stop! Stop breaking everything! Hulk: Don't go! Natasha Romanoff: Nice work, big guy. We don't know where Ultron's headed, but you're going very high, very fast. ...So, I need you to turn this bird around, okay? We can't track you in stealth mode... ...So I need you to help me out. Okay? I need you to... Hulk: No! No, Banner! Thor: Banner. Hey, hey, hey. You all right, Banner? Sun's going down. Sun's going down. That's it, breathe. I won't hurt you. Sun's going down. Bruce Banner: ...Thor? Thor: Yeah. Quite a lot's happened. You and I had a fight recently. Bruce Banner: What happened to your hair? Thor: Some creepy old man cut it off. Bruce Banner: It looks good. Thor: Thanks. Bruce Banner: Where are we? How's Nat? Thor: Nat is good, I'm sure. Bruce Banner: And what about Sokovia? Thor: Sokovia? Bruce Banner: The city, Sokovia. Did we save it? Thor: Banner, listen. Bruce Banner: What? Thor: Sokovia. Ultron. That was two years ago. Bruce Banner: What are you saying? I've been Hulk for two years? Thor: I'm afraid so. Bruce Banner: What the hell happened? Thor: Banner, there's something you should know... Quinjet: Voice Activation required. Bruce Banner: Banner. Quinjet: Welccome, Strongest Avenger. Thor: What? Bruce Banner: Ship's log... Thor, where are we? Thor: Yeah, about that. Grandmaster: It's bad news, bad news today. Sakaar, hear ye. Attention please. I have some bad news. My beloved, exalted Champion has turned up missing. Take to the streets. Celebrate my champion. Bruce Banner: Who's that? Thor: He kind of runs the place. You actually lived in his house. Bruce Banner: I did? Thor: Yeah. Quite a lot's happened. You and I had a fight recently. Bruce Banner: Did I win? Thor: No, I won. Easily. Bruce Banner: Doesn't sound right. Thor: Well, it's true. Grandmaster: It seems that that criminally seductive Lord of Thunder has stolen him away. Thor: Seductive GOD of Thunder. We need to move. Bruce Banner: Oh, no. This is bad. This is really, really bad. Thor, I think I'm freaking out. Thor: No, no, no. Don't freak out. You're okay. Put these on. Bruce Banner: These are Tony's clothes. Thor: I know, come on. Bruce Banner: Is he here? Thor: No, he's not here. But listen. Just stay calm, okay? The sun's going down. The sun's getting really low. Sun's going down. Grandmaster: I'm upset! I'm very upset. You know what I like about being upset? Blame. Right now, that's the mindset that I'm in. And you know who I'm blaming? Loki: Grandmaster, I- Grandmaster: Hey! Don't interrupt me! Topaz: Here you go. Grandmaster: Why are you handing me the melt stick? He was interrupting. That's not a capital violation. My precious champion has come up missing and its all because of that Lord of Thunder. It's all because of him. YOUR brother. Whatever the story is. Adopted, or complicated. I'm sure there's a big history. And YOUR contender. Loki: My dear friend, if you were to give me twelve hours I could bring them both back to you. Valkyrie: I can do it in two. Loki: I could do it in one. Grandmaster: You know what? I woke up this morning thinking about a public execution. But for now, I'll settle for this sweet little "who's gonna get him first?" So you're on the clock. Valkyrie exits in a hurry. Loki follows her. Loki: What have you done!? Valkyrie: I don't answer to you, lackey. Loki: It's Loki. And you will answer to the Grandmaster. Why would you help my brother escape with that green fool? Valkyrie: I don't help anyone. Loki: You're a Valkyrie. I thought the Valkyrie all died gruesome deaths? Valkyrie: Choose your next words wisely. Loki: Terribly sorry. Must be a very painful memory... Thor: The sun's going down. It's getting really low. The sun's going down. It's getting real low. Bruce Banner: Would you stop saying that!? Thor: I just need you to stay calm. Bruce Banner: Calm!? I'm on an alien planet! Thor: It's just a planet. You've been on a planet before. Bruce Banner: Yeah! One! Thor: Now you've been on two. That's a good thing. It's a new experience. Bruce Banner: My neurons, they're firing faster than my brain can handle the information. The whole thing is totally different this time. In the past, I always felt like Hulk and I each had a hand on the wheel, but this time it's like he had the keys and I was locked in the trunk. Thor: Alright, well, you're back now, that's all that matters. Bruce Banner: No, it's not what matters. What I'm trying to tell you, is that if I turn into the Hulk again, Banner may never come back. And we're stranded on a planet that is designed to stress me out. Thor: We're not stranded, I'm gonna figure out a way to get us home. Bruce Banner: Thank you. Thor: Not your home, though. Asgard. Bruce Banner: What? Thor: Listen, my people are in great danger. You and I, we have to fight this really powerful being who also happens to be my sister. Bruce Banner: Okay, that is so wrong on so many... I don't wanna fight your sister. That's a family issue. Thor: No, she's an evil being. Bruce Banner: I don't care what she is. I'm not fighting any more beings. I'm sick of it. I just told you. If I turn into the Hulk, I am never gonna come back again. And you don't care. Thor: No, no. I'm putting together the team. The Hulk is the fire. Bruce Banner: Wait, you're just using me to get to the Hulk. Thor: What? No! Bruce Banner: It's gross. You don't care about me. You're not my friend. Thor: No! I don't even like the Hulk. He's all like... "smash, smash, smash." I prefer you. Bruce Banner: Thanks. Thor: But if I'm being honest, when it comes to fighting evil beings, he is very powerful and useful. Bruce Banner: Yeah, Banner's powerful and useful, too. Thor: Is he though? Bruce Banner: How many PhDs does Hulk have? Zero. How many PhDs does Banner have? Seven. Thor: Fine, you don't have to fight anyone. But we're in danger here, so we have to move. Bruce Banner: What are you doing with that? Thor: I need a disguise. I'm a fugitive. Bruce Banner: I need a disguise. Thor: You are the disguise. Bruce Banner: I'll be Tony Stark. Thor: What? Bruce Banner: Yeah. Tony and the gypsy. Thor: No, no you're not Tony. You're Bruce Banner. Bruce Banner: Then why did you dress me up like Tony? Thor: Because you were naked. Bruce Banner: Okay, I'll give you that. Thor: What are you doing? Stop doing that! Bruce Banner: Tony wears his pants super tight! Thor: Why are you being so weird? Bruce Banner: I don't know. Maybe the fact that I was trapped for two years inside of a monster made me a little weird. Thor: Hey. It's okay. You're good. Calm down. Come on. Listen, we're gonna go to Asgard and you're not gonna have to think about the Hulk ever again. All right? Bruce Banner: All right. Thor: This is bad. Banner! Banner! Hi. Valkyrie: Hi. Thor: I was gonna do that. Valkyrie: Yeah, well, I did it first. Thor: That's good. What are you doing here? Valkyrie: What are you doing here? I thought you were leaving. Thor: I got sidetracked. Valkyrie: What's with the... Thor: It's my disguise. Valkyrie: But I can see your face. Thor: Not when I do this, you can't. Your hair looks nice. I like what you did with it. Change it? Washed it maybe? Bruce Banner: What are those things on her eyes? Are those the people that she's killed? She's so beautiful and strong... Valkyrie: Who is this guy? Thor: He's a friend. Bruce Banner: Who? Me? I'm Bruce. Valkyrie: I feel like I know you. Bruce Banner: I feel like I know you too. Valkyrie: Look, I've spent years in a haze trying to forget my past. Sakaaar seemed like the best place to drink and forget and to die one day. Thor: I was thinking that you drink too much, and that probably was going to kill you. Valkyrie: I don't plan to stop drinking, but I don't want to forget. I can't turn away anymore. So, if I'm donna to die, well... it may as well be driving my sword through the heart of that murderous hag. Thor: Good. Valkyrie: Yeah. So I'm saying that I wanna be on the team. Has it got a name? Thor: Yeah, it's called the Revengers. Valkyrie: Revengers? Thor: Because I'm getting revenge. You're getting revenge. Do you want revenge? Bruce Banner: I'm undecided. Thor: Okay. Valkyrie: Also, I've got a peace offering. Loki: Surprise. OW! Thor: Just had to be sure. Loki: Hello, Bruce. Bruce Banner: So, last time I saw you, you were trying to kill everybody. Where are you at these days? Loki: It varies from moment to moment. Thor: Is that... a Dragonfang? Valkyrie: It is. Thor: My God. This is the famed sword of the Valkyrie. Valkyrie: Sakaar and Asgard are about as far apart as any two known systems. Our best bet is a wormhole just outside the city limits. A nice clean wormhole outside the city. Refuel on Xandar and be back in Asgard in around 18 months. Thor: Nope. We're going through that one. Valkyrie: The Devil's Anus? Bruce Banner: Wait, whose anus are we going through? Thor: For the record, I didn't know it was called that when I picked it. Bruce Banner: That looks like a collapsing neutron star inside of an Einstein- Rosen Bridge. Valkyrie: We need another ship. That would tear mine to pieces. Thor: She's right. We need one that can withstand the geodetic strain from the singularity. Bruce Banner: And has an offline power steering system that could also function without the on-board computer. Valkyrie: And we need one with cup holders, because we're gonna die. So, drinks! Bruce Banner: Do I know you? I feel like I know you. Valkyrie: I feel like I know you, too. It's weird. Thor: What do you say, doctor? Uncharted metagalactic travel through a volatile cosmic gateway. Talk about an adventure. Bruce Banner: We need a ship. Thor: Need a ship. Valkyrie: There are one or two ships, absolute top-of-the-line models- Loki: I don't mean to impose, but the Grandmaster has a great many ships. I may eve have stolen the access codes to his security system. Valkyrie: And suddenly you're overcome with an urge to do the right thing. Loki: Heavens, no. I've run out of favor with the Grandmaster. And in exchange for codes and access to a ship I'm asking for safe passage...through the anus. Thor: You're telling us you can get us access into the garage without setting off any alarms? Loki: Yes, brother. I can. Bruce Banner: Okay, can I just... A quick FYI, I was just talking to him just a couple minutes ago and he was totally ready to kill any of us. Valkyrie: He did try to kill me. Thor: Yes, me too. On many, many occasions. There was one time when we were children, he transformed himself into a snake, and he knows that I love snakes. So, I went to pick up the snake to admire it and he transformed back into himself and he was like, "Yeah, it's me!" And he stabbed me. We were eight at the time. Valkyrie: If we're boosting a ship, we're gonna need to draw some guards away from the palace. Loki: Why not set the beast loose? Thor: Shut up. Valkyrie: You guys have a beast? Thor: No, there's no beast. He's just being stupid. We're going to start a revolution. Bruce Banner: Revolution? Thor: I'll explain later. Valkyrie: Who's this guy again? Thor: I'll explain later. Korg: Is that some sort of protoplasm, all the stuff that's coming out of you? Or are they eggs? Looks like eggs. Valkyrie: I'm looking for Korg. Korg: Who's asking? I know you're asking. Is anyone else asking, or is it just you? Valkyrie: The Lord of Thunder sends his best. Korg: My revolution has begun... Grandmaster: Revolution? How did this happen? Topaz: Don't know. But the Arena's mainframe for the Obedience Disks have been deactivated and the slaves have armed themselves. Grandmaster: Oh! I don't like that word! Topaz: Mainframe? Grandmaster: No. Why would I not like "mainframe?" No, the "S" word. Topaz: Sorry, the "prisoners with jobs" have armed themselves. Grandmaster: Okay, that's better. Thor: Hey, so listen, we should talk. Loki: I disagree. Open communication was never our family's forte. Thor: You have no idea. I've had quite the revelation since we spoke last. Hello! Loki: Hi! Odin brought us together, it's almost poetic that his death should split us apart. We might as well be strangers now. "Two sons of the crown" set adrift. Thor: Thought you didn't want to talk about it? Loki: Here's the thing. I'm probably better off staying here on Sakaar. Thor: That's exactly what I was thinking. Loki: ...Did you just agree with me? Thor: This place is perfect for you. It's savage, chaotic, lawless. Brother, you're going to do GREAT here. Loki: Do you truly think so little of me? Thor: Loki, I thought the world of you. I thought we were gonna fight side by side forever. But, at the end of the day, you're you, I'm me... I don't know, maybe there's still good in you, but let's be honest, our paths diverged a long time ago. Loki: It's probably for the best that we never see one another again. Thor: That's what you always wanted. Hey, let's do "Get Help." Loki: What? Thor: "Get Help." Loki: No. Thor: Come on, you love it. Loki: I hate it. Thor: It's great. IT works every time. Loki: It's humiliating. Thor: Do you have a better plan? Loki: No. Thor: We're doing it. Loki: We are not doing "Get Help." Thor: Get help! Please! My brother, he's dying. Get help! Help him! Classic. Loki: I still hate it. It's humiliating. Thor: Not for me, it's not. Which one's the ship she told us to get? Loki: The Commodore. Though I feel it won't make much of a difference... Thor: Oh, Loki. Loki: I know I've betrayed you many times before, but this time it's truly nothing personal. The reward for your capture will set me up nicely. Thor: Never one for sentiment, were you? Loki: Easier to let it burn. Thor: I agree. Oh brother, you're becoming predictable. I trust you, you betray me. Round and round in circles we go. See, Loki, life is about, it's about growth. It's about change. But you seem to just wanna stay the same. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you'll always be the God of Mischief, but you could be more. I'll just put this over here for you. Anyway, I got places to be so good luck. All right, I can figure this out. It's just another spaceship. Grandmaster: Loyal Sakaarians, Lord of Thunder has stolen my ship and my favorite champion. Sakaarians, take to the skies. Bring him down. Do not let him leave this planet. Bruce Banner: Good shot! Valkyrie: Open the doors. I hope that you're tougher than you look. Bruce Banner: Why? Shouldn't we be shooting back or something? Thor: Yes, we should. Where are the guns on this ship? Valkyrie: There aren't any. It's a leisure vessel. Thor / Banner: WHAT?! Valkyrie: Grandmaster uses it for his good times, orgies and stuff. Bruce Banner: Did she just say the Grandmaster uses it for orgies? Thor: Yeah. Don't touch anything. No! Get inside! Valkyrie: In a minute! Thor: I should probably go and help. Here, take the wheel. Bruce Banner: No. I don't know how to fly one of these. Thor: You're a scientist. Use one of your PhDs. Bruce Banner: None of them are for flying alien spaceships! Okay, come on. There's gotta be a gun on this thing. That looks like a gun. Grandmaster: It's MY BIRTHDAY! It's MY BIRTHDAY! It's MY BIRTHDAY. Bruce Banner: Yeah! Valkyrie: Guys, we're coming up on the Devil's Anus! Korg: There she is. Our ticket out of here. Hey, what's this? Loki: Thank you. Korg: Hey man, we're about to jump on that ginormous spaceship. You wanna come? Loki: You do seem like you're in desperate need of leadership. Korg: Why thank you. Valkyrie: Here we go! Skurge: Asgardians, some misguided soul has stolen the Bifrost sword. Tell us where it is, or there will be consequences. Bad ones. Well? Hela: You. Asgardian Citizens: No! Stop! Hela: Well? Executioner? Asgardian Man: Wait! I know where the sword is. Valkyrie: I never thought I'd be back here. Bruce Banner: I thought it'd be nicer. I mean, not that it's not nice. It's just, it's on fire. Valkyrie: Here, up here in the mountains. Heat signatures. People clustered together. Hela's coming for them. Thor: Okay, drop me off at the palace and I'll draw her away. Valkyrie: And get yourself killed? Thor: The people trapped down there are all that matters. While I'm dealing with Hela, I need you two to help get everyone off Asgard. Bruce Banner: How the hell are we supposed to do that? Thor: I have a man on the ground. Heimdall: Asgard. She's here. Thor: Now the ship has guns. Valkyrie: I'll take it from here. Thor: I found this in the armory. Valkyrie: "Your majesty." Don't die. You know what I mean. Heimdall: We must keep moving! Go to the Bifrost! Thor: Sister. Hela: You're still alive. Thor: I love what you've done with the place. Redecorating, I see. Hela: It seems our father's solution to every problem was to cover it up. Thor: Or to cast it out. He told you you were worthy. He said the same thing to me. Hela: You see, you never knew him, not at his best. Odin and I drowned entire civilizations in blood and tears. Where do you think all this gold came from? And then one day he decided to become a benevolent king. To foster peace, to protect life. To have you. Thor: I understand why you're angry. And you are my sister, and technically have a claim to the throne. And believe me, I would love for someone else to rule. But it can't be you. You're just...the worst. Hela: Okay, get up. You're in my seat. Thor: You know, Father once told me that a wise king never seeks out war. Hela: But must always be ready for it. Heimdall: Go back! Hela: To be honest, I expected more. Skurge: Heimdall! The sword! Heimdall: We must cross now! To Bi-Frost! Hela: Here's the difference between us. I'm Odin's firstborn, the rightful heir, the savior of Asgard. And you're nothing. So simple. Even a blind man could see it. Now you remind me of Dad. Valkyrie: This stupid dog won't die! Bruce Banner: Everything's going to be okay. I got this. You want to know who I am? Valkyrie: What the hell are you talking about? Bruce Banner: You'll see. Hela: You see? No one's going anywhere. I'll get that sword even if I have to kill every single one of them to do it. Korg: Hey man. I'm Korg. This is Miek. We're going to jump on that spaceship and get out of here. Want to come? Loki: Your savior is here! Hela: That little shit. Loki: Did you miss me? Everybody on that ship, now. Heimdall: Welcome home. I saw you coming. Loki: Of course you did. Hela: A valiant effort, but you never stood a chance. You see? I'm not a queen, or a monster. I'm the Goddess of Death. What were you the God of again? Odin: Even when you had two eyes you were only seeing half the picture. Thor: She's too strong. Without my hammer I cannot- Odin: Are you Thor, God of Hammers? That hammer helped you control your power, focus it. But it was never the source of your strength. Thor: It's too late. She's already taken Asgard. Odin: Asgard is not a place. Never has been. This could be Asgard. It is wherever our people stand. And right now those people need you. Thor: I'm not as strong as you. Odin: No. You're stronger. Hela: Tell me brother, what were you the God of again...? Thor: You're late. Loki: You're missing an eye. Valkyrie: This isn't over. Thor: I think we should disband the Revengers. Loki: Hit her with a lightning blast. Thor: I just hit her with the biggest lightning blast in the history of lightning. It did nothing. Valkyrie: We need to hold her off until everybody's on board. Thor: It won't end there. The longer Hela's on Asgard the more powerful she grows. She'll hunt us down. We need to stop her here and now. Valkyrie: What's our move? Loki: I'm not doing "Get help." Thor: Asgard's not a place, it's a people. This was never about stopping Ragnarok...it was about causing Ragnarok. Go to the vault. Surtur's crown. It's the only way. Loki: Bold move, brother. Even for me. Thor: Shall we? Valkyrie: After you. Loki: This is madness. Thor: GO! GO NOW! Skurge: For Asgard. HELA! Loki: With the Eternal Flame, you are reborn. Thor: HELA! Enough! You want Asgard? It's yours. Hela: Whatever game you're playing, it won't work. You can't defeat me. Thor: No, but he can. Hela: No...NO! Surtur: Tremble before me Asgard, for I am your reckoning! Valkyrie: The people are safe. That's all that matters. Thor: We're fulfilling the prophecy. Valkyrie: I hate this prophecy. Thor: So do I, but we have no choice. Surtur destroys Asgard, he destroys Hela so that our people can live. We need to let him finish... No! Hulk no! Stop it you moron!! Hulk, just for once in your life, don't smash! Hulk: But...big Monster. Valkyrie: Hulk! Let's go. Hulk: Friends. Surtur: I am Asgard's doom!! Korg: The damage is not too bad. As long as the foundations are strong, we can rebuild this place. It will become a haven for all people and aliens of the universe... Nope, those foundations are gone. Sorry. Thor: What have I done? Heimdall: You saved us from extinction. Asgard is not a place, it's a people. Loki: It suits you. Thor: Perhaps you're not so bad after all, brother. Loki: Maybe not. Thor: Thank you, Loki. And if you were here, I might even give you a hug. Loki: Do we have to hug now? Valkyrie: Your throne. Heimdall: So, King of Asgard. Where to? Thor: I'm not sure. Any suggestions? Miek, what's your home planet? Korg: Oh, Miek's dead. I accidentally stepped on him on the bridge, I've just felt so guilty I've been carrying him around all day... Miek, you're alive! He's alive everyone! What was your question? Thor: Earth it is. Loki: Do you really think it's a good idea to go back to Earth? Thor: Sure! They love me there. Loki: Let me rephrase: Do you really think it's a good idea to bring me back to Earth? Thor: Probably not. But don't worry, brother...I've got a feeling that everything's going to work out.

Son: Baba? Father: Yes, my son? Son: Tell me a story. Father: Which one? Son: The story of home. Father: Millions of years ago, a meteorite made of vibranium, the strongest substance in the universe struck the continent of Africa affecting the plant life around it. And when the time of man came, five tribes settled on it and called it Wakanda. The tribes lived in constant war with each other until a warrior shaman received a vision from the Panther goddess Bast who led him to the Heart Shaped Herb, a plant that granted him super human strength, speed, and instincts. The warrior became King and the first Black Panther, the protector of Wakanda. Four tribes agreed to live under the King's rule, but the Jabari tribe isolated themselves in the mountains. The Wakandans used vibranium to develop technology more advanced than any other nation, but as Wakanda thrived the world around it descended further into chaos. To keep vibranium safe, the Wakandans vowed to hide in plain sight, keeping the truth of their power from the outside world. Son: And we still hide Baba? Father: Yes. Son: Why? N'Jobu: Hey look, if we get in and out quick won't be any worries. You in the van come in through from the west, come around the corner, land right here. Me and the twins pulling up right here, we leavin' this car behind, ok? We coming... Hide the straps. Young Zuri: Is it the Feds? N'Jobu: No. Young Zuri: It's two Grace Jones looking chicks... they're holding spears... N'Jobu: Open it. Young Zuri: You serious? N'Jobu: They won't knock again. Dora Milaje 1: Who are you? N'Jobu: Prince N'Jobu, son of Azzuri. Dora Milaje 1: Prove to me you are one of us. N'Jobu: My King... Young T'Chaka: Leave us. N'Jobu: This is James. I trust him with my life. He stays, with your permission, King T'Chaka. Young T' Chaka: As you wish. At ease... Come baby brother. Let me see how you're holding up. Young T'Chaka: You look strong. N'Jobu: Glory to Bast. I am in good health. How is home? Young T'Chaka: Not so good, baby brother. There has been an attack. This man, Ulysses Klaue, stole a quarter ton of vibraniurn from us and triggered a bomb at the border to escape. Many lives were lost. He knew where we hid the vibranium, and how to strike. He had someone on the inside. N'Jobu: Why are you here? Young T'Chaka: Because I want you look me in the eyes and tell me why you betrayed Wakanda. N'Jobu: I did no such thing. Young T' Chaka: Tell him who you are. Young Zuri: Zuri, Son of Badu. N'Jobu: What? James, James you lied to me? I invite you into my home and you were Wakandan this whole time? Young Zuri: You betrayed Wakanda! N'Jobu: How could you lie to me like - Young T'Chaka: Stand down. Did you think that you were the only spy we sent here? Prince N'Jobu, you will return home at once, where you will face the council and inform them of your crimes. Bbc Anchor: The tiny nation of Wakanda is mourning the death of its monarch, King T'Chaka. The beloved ruler was one of many confirmed dead after a terrorist attack at the United Nations a week ago. The Suspect has since been apprehended. Though it remains one of the poorest countries in the world, fortified by mountain ranges and an impenetrable rain forest, Wakanda does not engage in international trade or accept aid. The succession of the throne is expected to fall to the oldest of the King's two children, Prince T'Challa. Okoye: My Prince, coming up on them now. T'Challa: No need, Okoye. I can handle this alone. I will get Nakia out as quickly as possible. Okoye: Just don't freeze when you see her. T'Challa: What are you talking about? I never freeze. Militant Leader: Defense position! Cargo Truck Militant: No games. Militant Leader: What do you see? Come in! Come in! Nakia: This one is just a boy... he got kidnapped as well. T'Challa: Nakia... I... I wanted to... Nigerian Militant #2: Hey!!! I have her! Don't move, I will shoot! I will shoot her right now! Okoye: You froze. Nakia: Why are you here? Eesh, you ruined my mission! T'Challa: My father is dead, Nakia. I will be crowned King tomorrow, and I wish for you to be there. Nakia: Carry yourselves home now, and take the boy. Get him to his people. Nigerian Woman: Thank you. Okoye: You will speak nothing of this day. Sister Nakia... My Prince. We are home. T'Challa: This never gets old. Nakia: Queen Mother... Princess. My comfort for your loss. Ramonda: Thank you, Nakia. It is so good to have you back with us. Okoye: Take her to the River Province to prepare her for the ceremony. Ayo: Yes, general. Shuri: Did he freeze? Okoye: Like an antelope in headlights. T'Challa: Are you finished? So surprised my little sister came to see me off before our big day. Shuri: You wish. I'm here for the EMP beads, I've developed an update. T'Challa: Update? No, it worked perfectly. Shuri: How many times to I have to teach you, just because something works, doesn't mean that it cannot be improved. T'Challa: You are teaching me, what do you know? I cannot wait to see what kind of update you make to your ceremonial outfit. Ramonda: Shuri! Shuri: Sorry mother. T'Challa: How are you feeling today, mama? Ramonda: Proud... your father and I would talk about this day all the time. He is with us, and it is your time to be King. Museum Director: Good morning! How can I help you? N'Jadaka (Killmonger): I was just checking out these artifacts. They tell me you're the expert. Museum Director: You could say that. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): They're beautiful. Where's this one from? Museum Director: From the Bobo Ashanti Tribe, present day Ghana. 19th Century. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): For real? What about this one? Museum Director: That one's from the Edo people of Benin. 16th Century. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Now, tell me about this one. Museum Director: Also from Benin. 7th Century. Fula tribe I believe. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Nah. Museum Director: I beg your pardon? N'Jadaka (Killmonger): It was taken by British soldiers in Benin but it's from Wakanda and it's made out of vibranium. Don't trip, I'mma take it off your hands for you. Museum Director: These items aren't for sale. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): How do you think your ancestors got these? You think they paid a fair price? Or did they take it like they took everything else. Museum Director: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): You got all this security watching me ever since I walked in. But, you ain't checking for what you put in your body. Security Guard: Alright, mate. Let's have it. Come on, mate. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): I think she might not be feelin' too good. Hey! Hey somebody get some help! Come here! Call a doctor, please! Hey please, somebody come help! Security Guard: Medical Emergency right away in the West African Exhibit please. Right away! Linda: I'm gonna take a break. Ulysses Klaue: Let's give the lady some space please. Limbani: Step back please, gents, step back please. Ulysses Klaue: Hey come here. Come here! It's ok. You can go, but just don't tell anyone, alright? N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Bro, why you 'aint just shoot him right here? Ulysses Klaue: Because it's better to leave the crime scene more spread out... makes us look like amateurs. Now... let's see if you know what you're talking about... That's just a taste. Whoo... You're gonna be rich, boy. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): You better sell that quick. Ulysses Klaue: Oh it's already sold. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Whatever you try, the Wakandans'll probably show up. Ulysses Klaue: That'll make my day. I can kill two birds with one stone. You're not telling me that's vibranium too, eh? N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Nah, I'm just feeling it. Elders, Warriors, Dora: Ngu T'Challa Lo. Crowd: Ngu T'Challa Lo. Zuri: I, Zuri, Son of Badu, give to you, Prince T'Challa, the Black Panther! The Prince will now have the strength of the Black Panther stripped away. Damaku... Crowd: Damaku... Zuri: Victory in ritual combat comes by yield or death. If any tribe wishes to put forth a warrior, I now offer a path to the throne. Merchant Tribe Elder: The Merchant Tribe will NOT challenge today. Border Tribe Elder: The Border tribe will NOT challenge today. River Tribe Elder: The River Tribe will NOT challenge today. Mining Tribe Elder: The Mining Tribe will NOT challenge today. Zuri: Is there any member of royal blood who wishes to challenge for the throne? Shuri: This corset is really uncomfortable. So could we all just wrap it up and go home? Are they Jabari? Ramonda: Yes. Zuri: M'Baku. What are you doing here?! M'Baku: It's challenge day. We have watched and listened from the mountains. We have watched with disgust, as your technological advancements have been overseen by a child who scoffs at tradition. And now... you want to hand the nation over to this prince... Who could not even keep his own father safe. Hmm? We will not have it. I said we will not have it! I, M'Baku, leader of the Jabari wish to T'Challa: I accept your challenge, M'Baku. M'Baku: Glory to Hanuman. Zuri: Let the challenge begin! M'Baku: Where is your God, now?! No powers. No claws. No speciaL suit, oh! Just a boy, not fit to lead. Ramonda: Show him who you are! T'Challa: I AM PRINCE T'CHALLA SON OF King T'CHAKA!! Shuri: You can do this T'Challa! T'Challa: Yield! Don't make me kill you. M'Baku: I would rather die! T'Challa: What would the proud Jabari do without you? You have fought with honor, now yield! Your people need you. Yield, man! Zuri: I now present to you, King T'Challa the Black Panther!! T'Challa: Zuri. Zuri: My King. T'Challa: Wakanda forever!! Zuri: Allow the Heart Shaped Herb to restore the powers of the Black Panther and take you to the Ancestral Plane. T'Chaka, we call on you. Corne here to your son. Darnaku. T'Challa: Baba! T'Chaka: My son. T'Challa: I am sorry. T'Chaka: Stand up! You are a King. What is wrong my son? T'Challa: I am not ready, Baba. T'Chaka: Have you not prepared to be King your whole life? Have you not trained and studied, been by my side? T'Challa: That is not what I am talking about. I am not ready to be without you. T'Chaka: A man who has not prepared his children for his own death has failed as a father. Have I ever failed you? T'Challa: Never. Tell me how to best protect Wakanda. I want to be a great King, Baba. Just like you. T'Chaka: You're going to struggle. So you need to surround yourself with people you trust. You're a good man with a good heart. And it's hard for a good man to be King. Zuri: Breathe, T'Challa. Breathe! T'Challa: He was there! He was there. My father. Corne home, Nakia. Nakia: I'm right here. T'Challa: Stay. Nakia: I came to support you, and to honor your father. But I can't stay. It's just... I found my calling out there. I've seen too many in need just to turn a blind eye. I can't be happy here knowing that there's people out there who have nothing. T'Challa: What would you have Wakanda do about it? Nakia: Share what we have. We could provide aid and access to technology and refuge to those who need it... other countries do it, we do it better. T'Challa: We are not like these other countries, Nakia. If the world found out what we truly are, and what we possess - we could lose our way of life. Nakia: Wakanda is strong enough to help others and protect ourselves at the same time. T'Challa: If you were not so stubborn you would make such a great queen. Nakia: I would make a great queen because I am so stubborn. T'Challa: Ah! So you admit it! Nakia: ... if that's what I wanted! T'Challa: Is that him? Glory to Bast, man, is he still growing? W'Kabi: Of course. I see Nakia is back... you guys going to work it out? T'Challa, what's wrong? T'Challa: Nakia thinks we should be doing more. W'Kabi: More like what? T'Challa: Foreign aid... refugee programs. W'Kabi: You let refugees in, they bring their problems with them. And then Wakanda is like everywhere else. Now, if you said you wanted me and my men to go out there and clean up the world, then I'd be all for it. T'Challa: But waging war on other countries has never been our way. You too, huh? W'Kabi: Bast, are we in trouble? Okoye: My King. My love. You will never guess who just popped up on our radar. A misidentified Wakandan artifact was stolen yesterday from a British museum. We have learned Ulysses Klaue plans to sell the vibraniurn to an American buyer in South Korea tomorrow night. T'Challa: Klaue has escaped our pursuits for almost 30 years. Not capturing him was perhaps my father's greatest regret. I wish to bring Klaue back here to stand trial. Merchant Tribe Elder: Wakanda does not need a warrior right now. We need a King. W'Kabi: My parents were killed when he attacked. Not a day goes by when I do not think about what Klaue took from us, from me. Okoye: It's too great an opportunity to pass. W'Kabi: Take me with you. We'll take him down together side by side, eh? T'Challa: I need you here protecting the border. W'Kabi: Then I ask, you kill him where he stands, or you bring him back to us. T'Challa: You have my word I will bring him back. We will proceed with the mission. Shuri: My, King. T'Challa: Stop it. Stop it. Shuri: I've already sent a car ahead to Busan for you. Who are you taking with you to Korea? T'Challa: Okoye. And Nakia as well. Shuri: You sure it's a good idea to take your ex on a mission? T'Challa: Yes. We'll be fine. Besides, you will be on call, should we need backup. Shuri: I have great things to show you, brother. Here are your communication devices for Korea. Unlimited range, also equipped with audio surveillance system. Check these out. Remote access Kimoyo beads. Updated to interface directly with my sand table. T'Challa: And what are these? Shuri: The real question is what are those? Why do you have your toes out in my lab? T'Challa: What, you don't like my royal sandals? I wanted to go old school for my first day. Shuri: Yea I bet the elders loved that. Try them on. Fully automated, like the old American movie Baba used to watch. And I made them completely sound absorbent. T'Challa: Interesting... Shuri: Guess what I call them. Sneakers... Because you... never mind. If you're going to take on Klaue you'll need the best the Design Group has to offer. Exhibit A. Old tech. T'Challa: Old... Shuri: Functional, but old. Eh, people are shooting at me... wait let me put on my helmet... T'Challa: Enough... Shuri: Now look at these. Do you like that one? T'Challa: Tempting. But the idea is to not be noticed. This one. Shuri: Now tell it to go on. Oooh!! The entire suit sits within the teeth of the necklace. Strike it. T'Challa: Anywhere? Shuri: Mhm. Not that hard, genius! T'Challa: You told me to strike it, you didn't say how hard. Shuri: I invite you to my lab, and you just kick things around. T'Challa: Well maybe you should make it a little stronger, eh? Wait a minute. Shuri: The nanites absorb the kinetic energy and hold it in place for redistribution. T'Challa: Very nice. Shuri: Now strike it again, in the same spot. T'Challa: You are recording? Shuri: For research purposes... T'Challa: Delete that footage... Nakia: This way. Okoye: Bast willing this goes quickly, and I can get this ridiculous thing off my head. Nakia: It looks nice. Just whip it back and forth. Okoye: What? It's a disgrace. Nakia: Hello Sophia, good to see you. Elderly Woman: Who are these two? Nakia: My friends from Kenya. Very deep pockets. They're good. Elderly Woman: Good for trouble, like you? Nakia: Thank you. T'Challa: Spread out. The buyer is likely already here. The woman outside - what trouble was she referring to? Nakia: Ah, I got into a disagreement with some ivory traders. Made a bit of a mess. T'Challa: And will there be any trouble tonight, Ms. Kenyan heiress? Nakia: Depends on how quickly we finish the mission... Okoye: Can we please focus. Thank you. Nakia: Over here. One whiskey, please. Eyes up. Americans. I count... three. Okoye: Five. How could you miss "Greased Lightning" there behind you. T'Challa: Six. Just spotted an old friend who works for the CIA. It just got a little more complicated. Agent Ross. Everett Ross: Your highness. T'Challa: You are buying from Klaue... Everett Ross: What I'm doing or not doing on behalf of the US government is of none of your concern. Now, whatever the hell you're up to, do me a favor and stay out of my way. T'Challa: I gave you Zemo. Everett Ross: And didn't I kept it under wraps that the King of a third world country runs around in a bulletproof cat suit. I'd say we were even. You really need to leave, now. T'Challa: Klaue is leaving out that door with me. You've been warned. Everett Ross: Hey, you won. Stan Lee: You know what, I think I'll just take these, bring 'em over here and hold on for safe keeping. Everett Ross: Ok heads up, the King of Wakanda is here. He cannot leave with Klaue. Alright, vibranium from the attack on Sokovia links back to a person that I'm not actually saying I'm here to make a deal with but that deal will not be called off. When the dust settles you and I can work something out. T'Challa: I am not here to make a deal. Nakia: Klaue plus 8! T'Challa: General. Okoye: In position to secure our exit. T'Challa: And the vibranium. Nakia: I don't see it yet. Okoye: I thought there were no weapons allowed in here. Nakia: There's not supposed to be. Okoye: Someone did not get the memo. Definitely armed. Everett Ross: Well that is quite the entourage. You got a mixtape coming out? Ulysses Klaue: Yeah! Yeah, actually there is one. Yea I'll send you the soundcloud link if you like. Aye, Dave. Get him the link to the tape. Everett Ross: Please don't make me listen to your music. I just meant, you got a lot of people with you. Ulysses Klaue: Oh, you think they're for you? Don't worry. I can do a deal with you all by myself, thank you very much. Nakia: Six more, it's a set up. Ulysses Klaue: You got the diamonds? Everett Ross: Ok, that's enough. Nakia: We need to move on Klaue. T'Challa: Stand down. We can't afford a shoot- out. Everett Ross: The vibranium? Ulysses Klaue: I was going to buy a fancy suitcase, but I thought I'd save myself some money. Nakia: It's now or never. Okoye: STAND DOWN! South African Tough: Hey. Hey! Okoye: I've been made. Ulysses Klaue: Get the diamonds, quick! T'Challa: Murderer! Ulysses Klaue: You know, you look just like your old man. I made it rain! That was awesome! That was awesome! Let's go! Go, go, come on! Nakia: Do we just leave him? Okoye: He'll catch up. T'Challa: Shuri! Griot: Remote driving system activated. Shuri: Yes yes yes! Wait... Which side of the road is it? T'Challa: For Bast sake just drive!!! Shuri: Okay okay, calm down brother! Wool Let's go! Ulysses Klaue: Put some music on! What do you think this is a funeral? Nakia: Which one is he in now? Ulysses Klaue: Hey, split up! Okoye: They're trying to lose us. Nakia: We'll take the right. Shuri: We'll take the other two! I see a short cut. We're not going to make it! T'Challa: Keep going! Shuri: Woo! Brother! Hey, what was that!? T'Challa: Don't worry about it. You're doing great. Okoye: Guns. So primitive. Ulysses Klaue: It's a vibranium car you idiots!! Bullets won't penetrate!! Nakia: What are you doing? Okoye: Just drive. Nakia: Eesh. Woo! Ulysses Klaue: Oh shoot. Shuri: Hey, look at your suit! You' ve been taking bullets charging it up with kinetic energy! T'Challa: Pull around the truck. Driver: Where'd he go!? Shuri: You show off. Nakia: There he is! Hold tight! Ulysses Klaue: Right, let's have some fun. Everett Ross: Hop in. Put that spear in the trunk. T'Challa: Faster, Shuri. Shuri: I'm going as fast as I can! Ulysses Klaue: Take a right, take a right! Shuri: No no no no no no no!! Brother! T'Challa: Klaue!! Did you think we would forget!? Look at me murderer! Where did you get this weapon? Ulysses Klaue: You savages didn't deserve it. Oh, mercy! King, mercy! T'Challa: Every breath you take is mercy from me. Okoye: King! Nakia: The world watches. Everett Ross: Come on guys, let's go huh? Ulysses Klaue: Hello! I can see you! I can, I can see you. Everett Ross: So, this is a big mess, huh? I figured we can go good cop bad cop. I'll talk to him first, then you guys go in - Okoye: We can't let him talk to Klaue alone. T'Challa: Better to let him talk to Klaue alone for 5 minutes than to make a scene here. After your questioning, we will to take him back to Wakanda with us. Everett Ross: What? No. Look I like you, a lot. But he's in my custody now. He's not going anywhere. Listen, I 'm doing you a favor by letting you even be in here. Okoye: If he touches you again, I am going to impale him to this desk. Everett Ross: Does she speak English? Okoye: When she wants to. Everett Ross: I'm going in. And when I'm done, you guys are up. T'Challa: -Agent Ross. Everett Ross: Yea. T'Challa: I do appreciate your help in Busan. Everett Ross: You see that? It's called diplomacy. You're welcome. T'Challa: Okoye! Play nice. Okoye: Eh, Americans... Ulysses Klaue: You know, you really shouldn't trust the Wakandans. I'm much more your speed. Everett Ross: I don't trust anybody, not in this job. But what I am interested in is that arm cannon out there. Where'd you get that? Ulysses Klaue: It's an old mining tool that I made some adjustments to. But I can get you one if you'd like. Everett Ross: Why don't you give me the name of your supplier and I'll ask them. Ulysses Klaue: He's right outside, why don't you ask him yourself? Everett Ross: T'Challa? You're telling me that weapon on your arm is from Wakanda? Ulysses Klaue: Bingo. What do you actually know about Wakanda? Everett Ross: Shepherds. Textiles. Cool outfits. Ulysses Klaue: It's all a front. Explorers searched for it for centuries. El Dorado: The Golden City. They thought they could find it in South America, but it was in Africa the whole time. A technological marvel. All because it was built on a mound of the most valuable metal known to man- Isipho- they call it. The gift. Vibranium... Everett Ross: Vibranium yea. Strongest metal on Earth. Ulysses Klaue: It's not just a metal... They sew it into their clothes, it powers their city, their tech, their weapons... Everett Ross: Weapons? Ulysses Klaue: Oh yes. Makes my arm cannon look like a leaf blower. Everett Ross: That's a nice fairy tale but Wakanda is a third world country and you stole all their vibranium. Ulysses Klaue: I stole all of it? All of it? I took a tiny piece of it. They have a mountain full of it. They've been mining it for thousands of years and still haven't scratched the surface. I'm the only outsider who's seen it, and got out of there alive. If you don't believe me you ask your friend what his suit is made of... what his claws are made of... Everett Ross: Your father told the UN that Klaue stole all the vibraniurn you had. But now he's telling me you have more? T'Challa: And you believe the word of an arms dealer, strapped to a chair. Nakia: Where is that? Cia Agent: Back there. Everett Ross: How much more are you hiding? Nakia: Something's happening out back. Ulysses Klaue: I see you took your time didn't you! Okoye: My King! My King... Nakia. Nakia: He just jumped in front of me. I don't think he'll make it here, it hit his spine. T'Challa: Give me a Kimoyo bead. This will stabilize him for now. Give him to us. We can save him. Okoye: Our missions was to bring back Klaue. We failed. This man is a foreign intelligence operative. How do we justify bringing him into our borders? Nakia: He took a bullet for me. Okoye: That was his choice. Nakia: So now we are just supposed to let him die? Okoye: Let us consider that we heal him. It is his duty to report back to his country. And as King, it is your duty to protect ours. T'Challa: I am well aware of my duties, General. I cannot just let him die knowing we can save him. Okoye: Where exactly are we taking him? Shuri: Great, another broken white boy for us to fix. This is going to be fun. He will live. W'Kabi is here. W'Kabi: What's going on, brother? Where is Klaue? T'Challa: He's not here. He slipped through our hands. W'Kabi: Slipped? For 30 years your father was in power and did nothing. With you I thought it would be different. But it's more of the same. Limbani: Let's get going, boss. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): You always sell to the CIA? Ulysses Klaue: I sell to the highest bidder. Don' t you worry when I get back to Jo- burg and lay low for a bit, I ' ll make sure both you guys get paid. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Oh I ain't worried about the money, bro. I know you're good for it. On our way back, just drop us off in Wakanda. Ulysses Klaue: You don't wanna go there, boy. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Yea I do. Ulysses Klaue: Drop it, or your little Bonnie and Clyde routine ends today. Put your gun down now! Linda: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Erik. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): It's gonna be ok. Ulysses Klaue: ... Y-You really wanna go to Wakanda? They're savages. This is what they do to people like us. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): I ain't worried about no brand. Check these out. Each one is for a kill. Ulysses Klaue: You can scar yourself as much as you like. To them, you'll just be an outsider. You're crazy to think that you could walk in there. And to think I saw you as some crazy American. T'Challa: Leave us. Zuri: So your mission did not go as planned. T'Challa: What happened to my Uncle N'Jobu? My father told me he disappeared... there was a man today wearing a ring identical to this one. Zuri: That is not possible. T'Challa: He helped Klaue escape from us and he was wearing this ring. My grandfather ' s ring. Do not tell me what is possible tell me the truth. Zuri: Some truths are too much to bear, T'Challa. T'Challa: That is not your choice to make. What happened to him? Zuri: I promised the King to say nothing. T'Challa: I am your King now! Zuri: Your uncle took a War Dog assignment in America. Your father placed me there to observe unbeknownst to him. Your uncle fell in love with an American woman. They had a child. The hardships he saw there radicalized your uncle. N'Jobu: I observed for as long as I could! Their leaders have been assassinated, communities flooded with drugs and weapons, they are overly policed and incarcerated. All over the planet our people suffer because they don't have the tools to fight back. With vibranium weapons they could overthrow every country and Wakanda could rule them all, the right way... Zuri: He knew your father would not support this, so your uncle betrayed us. T'Challa: No... Zuri: He helped Klaue steal the vibranium. T'Challa: No no no no no no... Young T'Chaka: You will return home at once, where you will face the council and inform them of your crimes. Zuri: He drew his weapon on me. Your father killed his own brother... To save my life. Young T'Chaka: Speak nothing of this. T'Challa: And the child... Zuri: We left him. We had to maintain the lie. W'Kabi: What is this? N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Just a 'lil gift. W'Kabi: Who are you? Everett Ross: Alright, where am I? Shuri: Don't scare me like that, colonizer. Everett Ross: Colon-who? My name is Everett. Shuri: Yes, I know. Everett Ross former airforce pilot and now, CIA. Everett Ross: Right. Ok, is this Wakanda? Shuri: No, it's Kansas. Everett Ross: ...How long ago was Korea? Shuri: Yesterday. Everett Ross: I don't think so. Bullet wounds don't just magically heal overnight. Shuri: They do here. But not by magic, by technology. Don't touch anything. My brother will return soon. Everett Ross: These train things... that's magnetic levitation, right? Shuri: Obviously. Everett Ross: Obviously... but I've never seen it this efficient. The light panels, what are they? Shuri: Sonic stabilizers. Everett Ross: Sonic what? Shuri: In it's raw form, vibranium is too dangerous to be transported at that speed, so I developed a way to temporarily deactivate it. Everett Ross: There's vibranium on those trains? Shuri: There is vibranium all around us. That's how I healed you. Okoye: Where is T'Challa? His Kimoyo beads have been switched off. Shuri: Well we are not joined at the hip, Okoye. Okoye: A man showed up at the border who claims to have killed Klaue. Shuri: What? Okoye: W'Kabi is transporting him as we speak to the palace. We need to find your brother. Shuri: An outsider? Okoye: No, a Wakandan. Everett Ross: He's not a Wakandan. He's one of ours. T'Challa: He killed his own brother... and left a child behind with nothing. What kind of King ... what kind of man does that? Nakia: No man is perfect. Not even your father. T'Challa: He didn't even give him a proper burial... My Uncle N'Jobu betrayed us, but my father may have created something even worse. Nakia: Hey. Look at me. You can't let your father's mistakes define who you are. You get to decide what kind of King you are going to be. Shuri: Brother, you need to get here now. Everett Ross: Eric Stevens. Graduated Annapolis age 19. MIT for grad school. Joined the SEALs and went to Afghanistan where he racked up confirmed kills like it was a video game. They started calling him Killmonger. He joined a JSOC ghost unit. Now these guys are serious. They will drop off the grid so they can commit assassinations and take down governments. T'Challa: Did he reveal anything about his identity? Shuri: He has a War Dog tattoo but we have no record of him. River Tribe Elder: Is this man Wakandan or not? Mining Tribe Elder: Tell us what is going on. T'Challa: Speak. W'Kabi: Speak. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): I'm standing in your house. Serving justice to a man who stole your vibranium and murdered your people. Justice your King couldn't deliver. T'Challa: I don't care that you brought Klaue, the only reason I don't kill you where you stand is because I know who you are... now what do you want? N'Jadaka (Killmonger): I want the throne. Mining Tribe Elder: My goodness. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Y'all sittin' up here comfortable. Must feel good. There's about billion people all over the world that looks like us but their lives are a lot harder, Wakanda has the tools to liberate them all. T'Challa: And what tools are those? N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Vibranium. Your weapons. T'Challa: Our weapons will not be used to wage war on the world. It is not our way to be judge jury and executioner for people who are not our own. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Not your own? But didn't life start here, on this continent? So ain't all people your people? T'Challa: I am not King of all people. I am King of Wakanda. And it is my responsibility to make sure our people are safe and that vibranium does not fall into the hands of a person like you. Ramonda: Son, we have entertained this charlatan for too long. Reject his request. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Oh, I ain't requesting nothing! Ask who I am? Shuri: You are Eric Stevens. An American black operative. A mercenary nicknamed Killmonger. That's who you are. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): That's not my name, Princess. Ask me, King? T'Challa: No. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Ask me. T'Challa: Take him away. River Tribe Elder: Who are you? N'Jadaka (Killmonger): I am N'Jadaka, son of Prince N'Jobu. Mining Tribe Elder: The son of N'Jobu? N'Jadaka (Killmonger): I found my daddy with Panther claws in his chest. You ain't the son of a King you're the son of a murderer! Ramonda: You're lying! Lies. W'Kabi: I'm afraid not Queen Mother. Mining Tribe Elder: The descendant of N'Jobu. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Hey Auntie. I'm exercising my blood right to challenge for the mantles of King and Black Panther. Ramonda: Do not do this T'Challa. Border Tribe Elder: As the son of N'Jobu he is within his rights. Ramonda: He has no rights here. River Tribe Elder: The challenge would take weeks to prepare. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Weeks? I don't need weeks. The whole country ain't gotta be there I just need him... and somebody to get me out of these chains. Ramonda: T'Challa, what do you know of this? T'Challa: I accept your challenge. Shuri: He will never beat T' Challa. He should have just come to the first challenge and gotten it over with. Zuri: The King will now have the strength of the Black Panther stripped away. Okoye: Where is Agent Ross? Nakia: I locked him in the office. He's not going anywhere. T'Challa: This is your last chance, throw down your weapons and we can handle this another way. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): I lived my entire life waiting for this moment. I trained, I lied, I killed, just to get here. I killed in America, Afghanistan, Iraq. I took life from my own brothers and sisters right here on the continent. And all this death, just so I can kill you. Zuri: Let the challenge begin. T'Challa: Yield! Shuri: Snap out of it T'Challa! Nakia: Get up. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): This is for my father. T'Challa: Zuri, no. Okoye: Zuri. Ramonda: Zuri don't! Zuri: I am the cause of your father's death. Not him. Take me. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): I'll take you both, Uncle James... T'Challa: Nol Zuri no! Zuri!! Noo! N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Is this your King? Huh? Is this your King? The Black Panther, who's supposed to lead you into the future. Shuri: Come on brother! Ayo: Is there nothing that can be done? N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Him? He's supposed to protect you. Ramonda: No. Nakia: No! N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Nah. I'm your King. Nakia: We have to go now! Queen mother, let's go! Okoye: The Queen Mother and Shuri... they are safe? Nakia: Yes. Okoye: Thank you. Nakia: We should get to them immediately. Okoye: I cannot... Nakia: What... Okoye: Though my heart is with you. Nakia: We cannot turn over our nation to a man who showed up here only hours ago. Okoye: He is of royal blood. Nakia: He killed T' Challa. Okoye: In ritual combat. Nakia: Does that really matter? You are the greatest warrior Wakanda has. Help me overthrow him before he becomes too strong. Okoye: Overthrow?! Nakia, I am not a spy who can come and go as they so choose. I am loyal to the throne, no matter who sits upon it. What are you loyal to? Nakia: I loved him. I love my country too. Okoye: Then you serve your country. Nakia: No. I save my country. Everett Ross: What's wrong? Nakia: The King is dead. Come with me, unless you want to join him. Shuri: First Baba, and now my brother. Mama, we didn't even get to bury him. Nakia: It's me. Ramonda: Nakia. Who is this man? Nakia: He's a friend of T' Challa's he saved my life. Ramonda: Where is Okoye? Nakia: Okoye is not corning. She and Dora Milaje will serve the new King. Wait here. Ramonda: What has happened to our Wakanda? Shaman: Allow the Heart Shaped Herb to give you the powers of the Black Panther and take you to the Ancestral Plane. N'Jobu: What did I tell you about going into my things? What did you find? Young Killmonger: Your home. N'Jobu: I gave you a key hoping that you might see it someday. Yes. The sunsets there are the most beautiful in the world. But I fear you still may not be welcome. Young Killmonger: Why? N'Jobu: They will say you are lost. Young Killmonger: But, I'm right here. N'Jobu: No tears for me? Young Killmonger: Everybody dies. It's just life around here. N'Jobu: Well look at what I have done. I should have taken you back long ago. Instead, we are both abandoned here. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Well maybe your home is the one that's lost. That's why they can't find us. Shaman: Breathe, my King. Breathe! N'Jadaka (Killmonger): The Heart Shaped Herb did that? This is all of it? Shaman: Yes. So when it comes time for another King, we will be ready. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Another King... yea go ahead and burn all that. Shaman: My King, we cannot do that. It is our tradition - N'Jadaka (Killmonger): When I tell you to do something, I mean that shit. Burn it all! You know, where I'm from, when black folks started revolutions, they never had the firepower or resources to fight their oppressors. Where was Wakanda? Hmm? Yea all that ends today. We got spies embedded in every nation on Earth. Already in place. I know how colonizers think. So we're gonna use their own strategy against them. We're gonna send vibranium weapons out to our War Dogs. They'll arm oppressed people all over the world, so they can finally rise up and kill those in power, and their children and anyone else who takes their side. It's time they know the truth about us. We're warriors. The world's gonna start over and this time we're on top. The sun will never set on the Wakandan Empire. Okoye: Wakanda has survived for so long by fighting when only absolutely necessary. W'Kabi: Wakanda has survived in the past this way, yes. But the world is changing, General. Elders, it is getting smaller. The outside world is catching up and soon it will be the conquerors, or the conquered. I'd rather be the former. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): You heard your orders. Let's get to it. Everett Ross: So where are we going again? Nakia: We're taking the Heart Shaped Herb to Jabariland. Everett Ross: Heart Shaped Herb, what is that? Shuri: It gives whoever takes it heightened abilities. Nakia: It's what made T'Challa so strong. Ramonda: Nakia. I don't like this. The Herb belongs to us. We may be creating a bigger monster with M'Baku. Nakia, you should take it yourself. Nakia: I'm a spy with no army. I wouldn't stand a chance. Ramonda: We'll go. Nakia: Stay calm. Ramonda: My son was murdered in ritual combat. M'Baku: Were the odds fair? Nakia: Yes, but... M'Baku: So, it was less a murder than a defeat? Shuri: Do not rub our noses in it - M'Baku: Silence! I make the pronouncements here, girl. Everett Ross: Look uh, your highness, the new King is a - M'Baku: You cannot talk. One more word and I will feed you to my children. I'm kidding. We are vegetarians. Nakia: Great Gorilla M'Baku. This is why we are here. To offer this to you. An outsider sits on our throne. Only you can help us stop him. M'Baku: Come with me. Nakia: Impossible. Is he breathing? M'Baku: He is in a coma, barely clinging to life. One of our fishermen found him at the edge of the river border. He brought him to me. Shuri: Why do you have him in the snow?! M'Baku: It is the only thing keeping him from joining the ancestors. Shuri: We need to get him to my lab! I can heal him there. M'Baku: Take him. He' ll be dead in seconds. Ramonda: Nakia, the Herb. I call upon the ancestors. I call upon Bast. I am here with my son T'Challa. Heal him. We must bury him. Praise the ancestors. Nakia: Praise the ancestors. Everett Ross: Praise the ancestors. Shuri: Praise the ancestors. Nakia: Wake up, T'Challa. Wake up. T'Chaka: My son. The time has come for you to come home and be reunited with me. T'Challa: Why? Why didn't you bring the boy home? Why, Baba? T'Chaka: He... he was the truth I chose to omit. T'Challa: You were wrong to abandon him. T'Chaka: I chose my people. I chose Wakanda. Our future depended on - T'Challa: You were wrong! All of you were wrong! To turn your backs on the rest of the world. We let the fear of our discovery stop us from doing what is right. No more! I cannot stay here with you. I cannot rest while he sits on the throne. He is a monster of our own making. I must take the mantle back, I must. I must right these wrongs. Do you have a blanket? Nakia: Killmonger has the full support of our military. And he burned the garden of the Heart Shaped Herb. Everett Ross: Of course he did. That's what he was trained to do. His unit used to work with the CIA to destabilize foreign countries. They would always strike at transitions of power... like an election year or the death of a monarch. You get control of government, the military T'Challa: Our resources. The Great Mound. Shuri: Our vibranium. All of my designs. T'Challa: He will send our weapons all over the world. You must get them out of Wakanda safely. Ramonda: What? Shuri: What about you? T'Challa: The challenge will have to continue. Ramonda: T' Challa, we will not leave Wakanda. T'Challa: It is my duty to keep you safe. Shuri: If he gets control of our technology, no where will be safe. The Black Panther lives. And when he fights for the fate of Wakanda I will be right there beside him. Nakia: As will I. Everett Ross: I'm in too. What? You're gonna need all the help you can get. M'Baku: Are you done? Are you - are you done? T'Challa: Could you give me and Lord M' Baku a moment? Thank you. M'Baku: I owed you a great debt. A life for a life. Consider it paid. T'Challa: Please allow my mother to stay here. M'Baku: No harm will come to her I give you my word. T'Challa: You know I could use an army as well. M'Baku: I bet you could. But no. I will give no Jabari lives towards your cause. T'Challa: It is our cause. It is for all of us. M'Baku: Us? You are the first King to come here in centuries. And now you speak of us? T'Challa: I cannot speak for past Kings. But an enemy sits on the throne right now. We both know the power of vibraniurn. If Killmonger gets control of it, who do you think he will come for next? M'Baku: We will not help you. W'Kabi: Everything is on schedule. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Have the spies been alerted? W'Kabi: Yes. Some have been resistant to our new mission. But the War Dogs in London, New York and Hong Kong are standing by. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): We'll strike there first. The others will come around. Look at this. A handheld sonic cannon powerful enough to stop a tank. Untraceable by metal detectors, and we got thousands of 'em. The world's gonna find out exactly who we are. Okoye: He lives... T'Challa: N'Jadakalll! N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Wassup? T'Challa: I never yielded, and as you can see, I am not dead. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): All that challenge shit is over with. I'm the King now. Get those planes in the air! Carry out the mission! T'Challa: Shuri, now! Shuri: Copy that. Go! Go go go go go! Come on, Ross! N'Jadaka (Killmonger): W'Kabi, kill this clown. Okoye: W'Kabi, the challenge is not complete. Border Tribe Commander: What will we do? W'Kabi: Border Tribe! Border Tribe: Ay! Ay! W'Kabi: Phambili! Okoye: You! Your heart is so full of hatred you are not fit to be a King. Ayo. The King. T'Challa: W'Kabi stop this! Stop this now! NOO!! Shuri: Nakia and I will get control of the Royal Talon with this. Everett Ross: Ok, so what do I do? Shuri: You will have to fly it. Everett Ross: What? Shuri: You were a great pilot. Don't worry, I'll guide you through it. It's just like riding a hoverbike. Everett Ross: You guys have hoverbikes? Shuri: Nakia, take that. Nakia: I'm not a Dora. Shuri: Just put it on, it's armor! Good luck, Agent Ross! Everett Ross: Yea I don ' t know what I'm doing - Nakia: We're counting on you! Dora Milaje 1: Wakanda Forever. Griot: Remote piloting system activated. Shuri: I made it American style for you! Get in! Shuri/Nakia: Yes!! Shuri: Go! We can't let those weapons get beyond Wakanda. Everett Ross: Alright, I'm on it. Okoye: Lock! Get him down! Get the necklace! Nakia: Wakanda Forever!! Everett Ross: Ok Shuri, I got 'em what do I do? Shuri: Shoot them down genius! Everett Ross: Alright... Here goes nothing. Alright, I got 'em. Oh shit shit shit. T'Challa: Shuri!! N'Jadaka (Killmonger): What's up, Princess? Shuri: You' ll never be a true King. Brother!! T'Challa: Shuri! Shuri: Brother! T'Challa: Turn on the train on the bottom track! Shuri: But the stabilizers will deactivate your suit... you won't have protection! T'Challa: Neither will he. Shuri: Okay! N'Jadaka (Killmonger): I don't need a suit to kill you. Your reign is over. You sat up here safe and protected. T'Challa: You want to see us become just like the people you hate so much? Divide and conquer the land as they did? N'Jadaka (Killmonger): No I learn from my enemies - beat them at their own game. T'Challa: You have become them. You will destroy the world, Wakanda included. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): The world took away everything away from me! Everything I ever loved! But I'm gonna make sure we're even. I'm gonna track down anyone who would even think about being loyal to you, and I'm gonna put they ass in the dirt, right next to Zuri. Shuri: Nakia! Are you alright? Nakia: I'm ok. You? Shuri: Yes. Nakia: Let's go. Everett Ross: Shuri, I've lost one of them but two are on my tail. What the hell was that? Griot: The lab is under attack. Everett Ross: What? Where? Griot: Deactivating hologram. Shuri: Ross! You have to get out of there now! Everett Ross: How long have I got? Griot: Glass integrity is at 50% Everett Ross: Put me back in. Shuri: Ross! Ross?! W'Kabi: Surrender now! You have three seconds to lay down your weapons! One... two... M'Baku: Witness the might of the Jabari firsthand! Abya!!!! Okoye: Phambili!!!! M'Baku: Abya!!! Griot: Glass integrity is at 15%. Critical weapons failure. Everett Ross: Shuri! The last cargo ship is almost at the border, but they've got me trapped with some kind of cables. Shuri: Make an X with your arms! Griot: Sonic overload initiated. Shuri: Now break it! Griot: System rebooting in 5, 4, 3, 2... l... system rebooted! Everett Ross: Yes! We did it! Shuri: Great! Now get out of there! Okoye: Drop your weapon. W'Kabi: Would you kill me, my love? Okoye: For Wakanda? Without question. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): This is it for you, cousin. Hell of a move. My pops said Wakanda was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. He promised he was going to show it to me some day. Can you believe that? Kid from Oakland running around believing in fairy tales. It's beautiful. T'Challa: Maybe we can still heal you. N'Jadaka (Killmonger): Why? So you can just lock me up? Nah. Just bury me in the ocean, with my ancestors that jumped from the ships... 'cause they knew death was better than bondage. T'Challa: Thank you. You saved me. You saved my family. Our nation. Nakia: There is nothing to thank me for. It is our duty to... it was my duty to fight for what I love. I should have - T'Challa: You can't blame me I almost died. Stay. I think I know a way you can still fulfill your calling. Please stay. Shuri: When you said you would take me to California for the first time, I thought you meant Coachella, or Disneyland. Why here? T'Challa: This is where our father killed our uncle. Shuri: They are tearing it down. Good. T'Challa: They're not tearing it down... I bought this building. And that building, and that one over there... This will be the first Wakandan International Outreach Center. Nakia will oversee the social outreach... And you will spearhead the science and information exchange. Shuri: You're kidding! Oakland Kid #1: What?! Man what the hell is that? Oakland Kid #2: That's like a Buggati space ship! Oakland Kid #3: Woah, it came out of nowhere!!! Did y'all see that? Young Black Kid: What... Oakland Kid #1: We can take this back to the house y'all... Oakland Kid #2: We could pull up to school in this! Oakland Kid #3: Hey look, we can break it apart and we can sell it! Oakland Kid #2: On Ebay! Oakland Kid #3: Everybody get like a million a piece. Shuri: Uhhh I wouldn't do that if I were you guys... Oakland Kid #1: Where you come from? Shuri: From Wakanda. Oakland Kid #1: What is a Wakanda? Young Black Kid: Hey yo! Is this yours? Who... who are you? T'Challa: My name is King T'Challa, son of King T'Chaka. I am the sovereign ruler of the Nation of Wakanda and for the first time in our history we will be sharing our knowledge and resources with the outside world. Wakanda will no longer watch from the shadows. We cannot, we must not. We will work to be an example of how we as brothers and sisters on this Earth should treat each other. Now more than ever, illusions of division threaten our very existence. We all know the truth: more connects us than separates us. In times of crisis, the wise build bridges, while the foolish build barriers. We must find a way to look after one another, as if we were one single tribe. French Ambassador: With all due respect, King T'Challa, what can a nation of farmers offer to the rest of the world? Shuri: Are you playing around with that man again? Wakandan Child: No. Nol Shuri: You're teasing him again? Wakandan Children: Emhlophe Ingcuka. Shuri: Good morning, Sgt. Barnes. Bucky: Bucky. Shuri: How are you feeling? Bucky: Good. Thank you. Shuri: Come. Much more for you to learn.

Asgardian Pa: This is the Asgardian refugee vessel Statesman. We are under assault, I repeat, we are under assault - The engines are dead, life support failing. Requesting aid from any vessel within range. We are 22 jump points out of Asgard. Our crew is made up of Asgardian families, we have very few soldiers here. This is not a warcraft. I repeat, this is not a warcraft! Ebony Maw: Hear me, and rejoice. You have had the privilege of being saved by the Great Titan... You may think this is suffering... no. It is salvation. Universal scales tip toward balance because of your sacrifice. Smile... for even in death, you have become Children of Thanos. Thanos: I know what it's like to lose. To feel so desperately that you're right... yet to fail, nonetheless. It's frightening. Turns the legs to jelly. I ask you, to what end? Dread it. Run from it. Destiny arrives all the same. And now, it's here. Or should I say... I AM. Thor: You talk too much. Thanos: The Tesseract, or your brother's head. I assume you have a preference. Loki: Oh, I do. Kill away! ALL RIGHT, STOP! Thor: We don't have the Tesseract. It was destroyed on Asgard. You really are the worst brother. Loki: I assure you, brother... the sun will shine on us again. Thanos: Your optimism is misplaced, Asgardian. Loki: Well, for one thing, I'm not Asgardian. And for another... we have a Hulk. Ebony Maw: Let him have his fun. Heimdall: Allfathers... let the dark magic flow through me one last... time. Thanos: That was a mistake. Thor: NO!!! You're going to die for that! Ebony Maw: Shh. My humble personage... bows before your grandeur. No other being has ever had the might, nay the nobility, to wield not one, but two Infinity Stones. The universe lies within your grasp. Thanos: There are two more Stones on Earth. Find them, my children, and bring them to me on Titan. Proxima Midnight: Father, we will not fail you. Cull Obsidian: We're going to New York City and We will tear The Avengers Apart and Smash! Once and for all, my lord. Loki: If I might interject... if you're going to Earth, you might want a guide. I do have a bit of experience in that arena. Thanos: If you consider failure experience. Loki: I consider experience, experience. Almighty Thanos, I... Loki... Prince of Asgard... Odinson... the rightful King of Jotunheim... God of Mischief... do hereby pledge to you, my undying fidelity. Thanos: "Undying?" You should choose your words more carefully. Loki: You will... never be... a god. Thor: NO! Thanos: No resurrections this time. Thor: No... Loki.... Stephen Strange: Seriously? You don't have any money? Wong: Attachment to the material is detachment from the spiritual. Stephen Strange: I'll tell the guys at the deli. Maybe they'll make you a metaphysical ham on rye. Wong: Oh, wait, wait, wait, I think I have 200. Stephen Strange: Dollars? Wong: Rupees. Stephen Strange: Which is? Wong: Uh, buck and a half. Stephen Strange: What do you want? Wong: I wouldn't say no to a tuna melt. Bruce Banner: Thanos is coming. He's coming... Stephen Strange: Who? Tony Stark: Slow down, slow down. I'm totally not kidding. Pepper Potts: You're totally rambling. Tony Stark: No, I'm not. Pepper Potts: Lost me. Tony Stark: Look, you know how you're having a dream, and in the dream you gotta pee? Pepper Potts: Yeah. Tony Stark: Okay, and then you're like, 'Oh my god, there's no bathroom, what am I gonna do?', 'Oh! Someone's watching,' ''m gonna go in my pants.' Pepper Potts: Right. And then you wake up, and in real life you actually have to pee. Tony Stark: Yes. Pepper Potts: Yeah. Everybody has that. Tony Stark: Right! That's the point I'm trying to make. Apropos of that, last night, I dreamt, we had a kid. So real. We named him after your eccentric uncle. Uh, what was his name? Pepper Potts: Right. Tony Stark: Morgan! Morgan. Pepper Potts: So you woke up, and thought that we were... Tony Stark: Expecting. Pepper Potts: Yeah. Tony Stark: Yes? Pepper Potts: No. Tony Stark: I had a dream about it. It was so real. Pepper Potts: If you wanted to have a kid, you wouldn't have done that. Tony Stark: I'm glad you brought this up, 'cause it's nothing. It's just a housing unit for nano particles. Pepper Potts: It's not helping your case, OK? Tony Stark: No, no, it's an attachment, it's not a- Pepper Potts: You don't need that. Tony Stark: I know. I had the surgery. I'm just trying to protect us. The future uses, and that's it. Just in case there's a monster in the closet, instead of, you know... Pepper Potts: Shirts? Tony Stark: You know me so well. You finish all my sentences. Pepper Potts: You should have shirts in your closet. Tony Stark: Yeah. You know what there should be? No more surprises. We're gonna have a nice dinner tonight. Show off this Harry Win-stone. Right? And we should have no more surprises. Ever. I should promise you. Pepper Potts: Yes. Tony Stark: I will. Stephen Strange: Tony Stark, I'm Doctor Stephen Strange. I need you to come with me. Oh, uh, congratulations on the wedding, by the way. Tony Stark: I'm sorry, you giving out tickets or something? Stephen Strange: We need your help. Look, it's not overselling to say that the fate of the universe is at stake. Tony Stark: And who's "we"? Bruce Banner: Hey, Tony. Tony Stark: Bruce. Bruce Banner: Pepper. Pepper Potts: Hi. Tony Stark: You okay? Wong: From the dawn of the universe, there was nothing. Then, boom! The Big Bang sent six elemental crystals, hurtling across the virgin universe. These Infinity Stones each control an essential aspect of existence. Stephen Strange: Space. Reality. Power. Soul. Mind. And Time. Tony Stark: Tell me his name again. Bruce Banner: Thanos. He's a plague, Tony. He invades planets. He takes what he wants. He wipes out half the population. He sent Loki. The attack on New York. That's him. Tony Stark: This is it... What's our timeline? Bruce Banner: No telling. He has the Power and Space Stones, that already makes him the strongest creature in the whole universe. If he gets his hands, on all six Stones, Tony... Stephen Strange: He can destroy life on a scale hitherto undreamt of. Tony Stark: Did you seriously just say "hitherto undreamt of"? Stephen Strange: Are you seriously leaning on the Cauldron of the Cosmos? Tony Stark: Is that what this is... ? I'm going to allow that. If Thanos needs all six, why don't we just stick this one down the garbage disposal? Stephen Strange: No can do. Wong: We swore an oath to protect the Time Stone. With our lives. Tony Stark: And I swore off dairy, but then, Ben & Jerry's named a flavor after me, so... Stephen Strange: Stark Raving Hazelnuts. Tony Stark: It's not bad. Stephen Strange: A bit chalky. Wong: A Hunka-Hulka Burning Fudge is our favorite. Bruce Banner: That's a thing? Tony Stark: Whatever. Point is: things change. Stephen Strange: Our oath to protect the Time Stone cannot change. This Stone may be the best chance we have against Thanos. Tony Stark: And still conversely, it may also be his best chance against us. Stephen Strange: Well, if we don't do our jobs. Tony Stark: What is your job exactly, besides making balloon animals? Stephen Strange: Protecting your reality, douchebag. Bruce Banner: Okay, guys, could we table this discussion right now? The fact is that we have this Stone. We know where it is. Vision is out there somewhere with the Mind Stone, and we have to find him now. Tony Stark: Yeah, that's the... thing. Bruce Banner: What do you mean? Tony Stark: Two weeks ago, Vision turned off his transponder. He's offline. Bruce Banner: What? Tony, you lost another super bot? Tony Stark: I didn't lose him. He's more than that. He's evolving. Stephen Strange: Who could find Vision, then? Tony Stark: Shit. Probably Steve Rogers. Stephen Strange: Oh, great. Tony Stark: Maybe. But... Bruce Banner: Call him. Tony Stark: It's not that easy. God, we haven't caught up in a spell, have we? Bruce Banner: No. Tony Stark: The Avengers broke up. We're toast. Bruce Banner: Broke up? Like a band? Like The Beatles? Tony Stark: Cap and I fell out hard. We're not on speaking terms. Bruce Banner: Tony, listen to me. Thor's gone. Thanos is coming. It doesn't matter who you're talking to or not. Tony Stark: Say, Doc, you wouldn't happen to be moving your hair, would you? Stephen Strange: Not at the moment, no. Tony Stark: You okay? Help him! Wong, Doc. Bruce Banner: Go! Got it! Tony Stark: F.R.I.D.A.Y., what am I looking at? Friday: Not sure, I'm working on it. Tony Stark: Hey! You might wanna put that Time Stone in your back pocket, Doc! Stephen Strange: Might wanna use it. Peter Parker: Ned, hey. I need you to cause a distraction. Ned Leeds: Holy shit! We're all gonna die! There's a spaceship! Stan Lee: What's the matter with you kids? You've never seen a spaceship before? Tony Stark: F.R.I.D.A.Y., evac anyone south of 43rd Street, notify first responders. Friday: Will do. Ebony Maw: Hear me, and rejoice. You are about to die at the hands of the Children of Thanos. Be thankful, that your meaningless lives are now contributing to... Tony Stark: I'm sorry, Earth is closed today. You better pack it up and get outta here. Ebony Maw: Stonekeeper... Does this chattering animal speak for you? Stephen Strange: Certainly not. I speak for myself. But you're trespassing in this city and on this planet. Tony Stark: It means get lost, Squidward! Ebony Maw: He exhausts me. Bring me the Stone. Tony Stark: Banner, you want a piece? Bruce Banner: No, not really, but when do I ever get what I want? Tony Stark: That's right. Been a while. Good to have you, buddy. Bruce Banner: I just... I need to concentrate here for one second. Come on, come on, man. Tony Stark: Where's your guy? Bruce Banner: I don't know. We've sort been havin' a thing. Tony Stark: There's no time for a thing. Bruce Banner: I know. Tony Stark: That's the thing right there. Let's go. Dude, you're embarrassing me in front of the wizards. Bruce Banner: Tony, I'm sorry. Either I can't or he won't- Tony Stark: It's okay. Hey, stand down. Keep an eye on him. Thank you. Wong: I have him. Bruce Banner: Damn it. Where'd that come from? Tony Stark: It's nano-tech. You like it? A little someth- Stephen Strange: Dr. Banner, if the rest of your green friend won't be joining us... Tony Stark: Gotta get that stone outta here, now. Stephen Strange: It stays with me. Tony Stark: Exactly. Bye. Bruce Banner: Tony, you okay? How we doing? Good? Bad? Tony Stark: Really, really good. Really good. Do you plan on helping out? Bruce Banner: I'm trying. He won't come out. Tony Stark: Hammer. Bruce Banner: Come on, Hulk. What are you doing to me? Come out! Come out! Come out! Hulk: Nooooooo! Bruce Banner: What do you mean, "no"?! Peter Parker: Hey, man. What's up, Mr. Stark? Tony Stark: Kid, where'd you come from? Peter Parker: Field trip to MoMA. What is this guy's problem, Mr. Stark? Tony Stark: He's from space. He came here to steal a necklace from a wizard. Ebony Maw: Your powers are quaint. You must be popular with children. Stephen Strange: It's a simple spell but quite unbreakable. Ebony Maw: Then I'll take it off your corpse. Stephen Strange: You'll find... removing a dead man's spell... troublesome. Ebony Maw: You'll only wish you were dead. NO! Tony Stark: Kid, that's the wizard. Get on it. Peter Parker: On it! Not cool! Uhhh, Mr. Stark? I'm being beamed up! Tony Stark: Hang on, kid. Wong, you're invited to my wedding. Give me a little juice, F.R.I.D.A.Y. Unlock 17-A. Pete, you gotta let go. I'm gonna catch you. Peter Parker: But you said save the wizard! I can't breathe! Tony Stark: You're too high up. You're running out of air. Peter Parker: Yeah! That makes sense. Mr. Stark, it smells like a new car in here! Tony Stark: Happy trails, kid. F.R.I.D.A.Y, send him home. Friday: Yep. Peter Parker: OH, COME ON! Friday: Boss, incoming call from Miss Potts. Pepper Potts: Tony? Oh, my God. Are you all right? What's going on? Tony Stark: Yeah, I'm fine. I just think we might have to push our 8:30 res. Pepper Potts: Why? Tony Stark: Just 'cause I'll... probably not make it back for a while. Pepper Potts: Tell me you're not on that ship. Tony Stark: Yeah. Pepper Potts: God, no. Please tell me you're not on that ship. Tony Stark: Honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I don't know what to say. Pepper Potts: Come back here, Tony. I swear to God.... Tony Stark: Pep.... Pepper Potts: Come back here right now! Come back! Friday: Boss, we're losing her. I'm going, too.... Peter Parker: Oh my God! I should have stayed on the bus... Bruce Banner: Where you going? Wong: The Time Stone's been taken. The Sanctum remains unguarded. What will you do? Bruce Banner: I'm gonna make a call. Peter Quill: Sing it, Drax! Rocket: Why are we doing this again? Gamora: It's a distress signal, Rocket. Someone could be dying. Rocket: I get that, but why are we doing it? Peter Quill: Cause we're nice. And maybe whoever it is will give us a little cheddar cheese for our help. Gamora: Which isn't the point. Peter Quill: Which isn't the point... I mean... if he doesn't pony up.... Drax: We'll take his ship. Rocket: Exactly! Peter Quill: B-b-b-bingo! Mantis: We are arriving. Peter Quill: All right, Guardians. Don't forget, this might be dangerous, so let's put on our mean faces. Groot, put that thing away. Now. I don't wanna tell you again. Groot. Groot: I am Groot! Peter Quill: Whoa! Rocket: Language! Gamora: Hey! Drax: Wow. Peter Quill: You got some acorns on you, kid. Rocket: Ever since you got a little sap, you're a total d-hole. Keep it up, and I'm gonna SMASH THAT THING TO PIECES! Mantis: What happened? Rocket: Looks like we're not getting paid. Wipers! Wipers! Get it off! Peter Quill: How the hell is this dude still alive? Drax: He is not a dude. You're a dude. This... this is a man. A handsome, muscular man. Peter Quill: I'm muscular. Rocket: Who are you kidding, Quill? You're one sandwich away from fat. Peter Quill: Yeah, right. Drax: It's true. You have gained a little weight.... Peter Quill: What? Gamora, do you think I'm... Mantis: He is anxious. Angry. He feels tremendous loss and guilt. Drax: It's like a pirate had a baby with an angel. Peter Quill: Wow. This is a real wake-up call for me. Okay. I'm gonna get a Bow-flex. I'm gonna commit. I'm gonna get some dumbbells. Rocket: You know you can't eat dumbbells, right? Gamora: It's like his muscles are made of Cotati metal fibers. Peter Quill: Stop massaging his muscles. Wake him up. Mantis: Wake. Thor: Who the hell are you guys? Gamora: The entire time I knew Thanos, he only ever had one goal: To bring balance to the Universe by wiping out half of all life. He used to kill people planet by planet, massacre by massacre... Drax: Including my own. Gamora: If he gets all six Infinity Stones, he can do it with the snap of his fingers, like this. Thor: You seem to know a great deal about Thanos. Drax: Gamora... is the daughter of Thanos. Thor: Your father killed my brother. Peter Quill: Oh, boy. Stepfather. Technically, she hates him as much as you do. Thor: Families can be tough. Before my father died, he told me I had a half-sister... that he imprisoned in Hel. Then she returned home, and stabbed me in the eye, so... I had to kill her. It's life, isn't it, I guess. Goes round and round and... I feel your pain. Peter Quill: And I feel your pain, as well. I mean it's not a competition, but I've been through a lot. My father killed my mother, then I had to kill my father. And that was hard. Probably even harder than having to kill a sister. Plus, I, came out of it with both of my eyes- Thor: I need a hammer, not a spoon.... How do I open this thing? Is there some sort of a four-digit code maybe... maybe a birth date or something.... Peter Quill: What are you doing? Thor: Taking your pod. Peter Quill: No, you're not! You'll not, be taking our pod today, sir. Rocket: Quill. Are you making your voice deeper? Peter Quill: No. Drax: You are. You're imitating the god-man. It's weird. Peter Quill: No I'm not. Mantis: He just did it again! Peter Quill: This is my voice! Thor: Are you mocking me? Peter Quill: Are you mocking me? Thor: Stop it. You did it again. Peter Quill: He's trying to copy me. Thor: Would you stop doing that? He's doing it first. Gamora: Enough! We need to stop Thanos. Which means we need to find out where he's going next. Thor: Knowhere. Mantis: He must be going somewhere. Peter Quill: No. Knowhere? It's a place. We've been there. It sucks. Excuse me, that's our food. Thor: Not anymore. Gamora: Thor... why would he go to Knowhere? Thor: Because for years, the Reality Stone has been safely stored, there with a man we call the Collector. Peter Quill: If it's with the Collector, then it's not safe. Only an idiot would give that man a stone. Thor: Or a genius. Gamora: How do you know he's not going for one of the other Stones? Thor: There's six stones out there. Thanos already has the Power Stone because he stole it last week, when he decimated Xandar. He stole the Space Stone from me when he destroyed my ship and slaughtered half my people. The Time and Mind Stones are safe on Earth. They're with the Avengers. Peter Quill: The 'Avengers'? Thor: Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Mantis: Like Kevin Bacon? Thor: He may be on the team. I don't know. Haven't been there in a while. As for the Soul Stone, well, no one's ever seen that. No one even knows where it is. Therefore, Thanos can't get it. Therefore, he's going to Knowhere. Hence, he'll be getting the Reality Stone. You're welcome. Gamora: Then we have to go to Knowhere now. Thor: Wrong! Where we have to go, is Nivadellir. Drax: That's a made up word. Thor: All words are made up. Rocket: Hold up, Nidavellir is real? Seriously? I mean, that place is a legend. They make the most powerful, horrific weapons to ever torment the Universe. I would very much like to go there, please. Thor: The rabbit is correct, and clearly the smartest among you. Rocket: Rabbit? Thor: Only Eitri the dwarf king can make me the weapon I need. I assume you're the captain, sir? Rocket: You're very perceptive. Thor: You seem like a noble leader. Will you join me on my quest to Nidavellir? Rocket: Lemme just ask the captain. Oh, wait a second, it's me! Yeah, I'll go. Thor: Wonderful. Peter Quill: Except for that I'm the captain. Thor: Quiet! Peter Quill: That's my backpack. Rocket: Go sit down. Peter Quill: Look, this is my ship. And I'm not goin' to... Wait, what kind of weapon are we talking about here? Thor: The Thanos killing kind. Peter Quill: Don't you think that we should all have a weapon like that? Thor: No. You simply lack the strength to wield them. Your bodies will crumble as your minds collapse into the madness. Rocket: Is it weird that I wanna do it even more now? Thor: A little bit. Yeah. Gamora: If we don't go to Knowhere and Thanos retrieves another stone, he'll be too powerful to stop. Thor: He already is. Rocket: I got it figured out. We got two ships, and a large assortment of morons. So me and Groot will go with the pirate-angel here, and the morons will go to Knowhere to try and stop Thanos. Cool? Cool. Thor: So cool. Peter Quill: For the record... I know that you're only going with him because it's where Thanos isn't. Rocket: You know, you shouldn't talk that way to your captain, Quill. Come on, Groot. Put that game down, you'll rot your brain. Thor: I bid you farewell and good luck, morons. Bye. Wanda Maximoff: Vis? Is it the stone again? Vision: It's as if it's speaking to me. Wanda Maximoff: What does it say? Vision: I don't... I don't know. But something... Tell me what you feel. Wanda Maximoff: I just feel you. So there's a 10 AM to Glasgow to give us more time together before you went back. Vision: What if I miss that train? Wanda Maximoff: There is an 11. Vision: What if I missed all the trains? What if this time, I didn't go back? Wanda Maximoff: You gave Stark your word. Vision: I'd rather give it to you. Wanda Maximoff: There are people who are expecting me too, you know. We both made promises. Vision: Not to each other. Wanda... for two years, we've stolen these moments, trying to see if this could work. And... I don't know. You know what, I'm just gonna speak for myself - I, I... I think... Wanda Maximoff: It works. Vision: It works. Then stay. Stay with me. Or not. If I'm overstepping... Wanda Maximoff: What are they? Vision: What the stone was warning me about. I have to go. Wanda Maximoff: No, Vision. Vision, if that's true... then maybe going isn't the best idea. Vision: Wanda, I... Wanda Maximoff: Vision! Vision: The blade. It stopped me from phasing. Wanda Maximoff: Is that even possible? Vision: It isn't supposed to be. My systems are failing. I'm beginning to think... we should have stayed in bed. Wanda Maximoff: Vis! Corvus Glaive: Give up the Stone, and she lives. Wanda Maximoff: Hands off. Come on. Come on. Come on, you gotta get up. You gotta get up. Come on. Hey. Hey. We have to go. Vision: Please. Please leave. Wanda Maximoff: You asked me to stay... I'm staying. Vision: Please. Wanda Maximoff: Get up. Proxima Midnight: Get up. Corvus Glaive: I can't. Natasha Romanoff: We don't wanna kill you. But we will. Proxima Midnight: You'll never get the chance again. Sam Wilson: Can you stand? Vision: Thank you, Captain. Steve Rogers: Let's get you on the jet. Natasha Romanoff: I thought we had a deal. Stay close, check in. Don't take any chances. Wanda Maximoff: I'm sorry. We just wanted time. Sam Wilson: Where to, Cap? Steve Rogers: Home. Gamora'S Mother: Shh. We'll be safe. We'll be safe. Ebony Maw: Zehobereians... Young Gamora: Mother! Where's my mother?! Ebony Maw: Zen-Whoberis... Choose a side, or die. Young Gamora: Mother! Ebony Maw: One side is a revelation. The other, an honor known only to a few. Thanos: What's wrong, little one? Young Gamora: My mother. Where is my mother? Thanos: What's your name? Young Gamora: Gamora. Thanos: You're quite the fighter, Gamora. Come. Let me help you. Look. Pretty, isn't it? Perfectly balanced. As all things should be. Too much to one side, or the other... Here. You try. Ebony Maw: Now go in peace, and meet your Maker. Thanos: Concentrate. There! You've got it. Peter Quill: Gamora. Do you know if these grenades are the "blow off your junk" kind or the gas kind? 'Cause I was thinking I might hang a couple on my belt right here. But I don't want to- Gamora: I need to ask a favor. Peter Quill: Yeah, sure. Gamora: One way or another, the path that we're on leads to Thanos. Peter Quill: Which is what the grenades are for. I'm sorry. What's the favor? Gamora: If things go wrong... If Thanos gets me... I want you to promise me... you'll kill me. Peter Quill: What? Gamora: I know something he doesn't. If he finds out... the entire Universe could be at risk. Peter Quill: What do you know? Gamora: If I tell you, you'd know, too. Peter Quill: If it's so important, shouldn't I? Gamora: Only if you wanna die. Peter Quill: Why does somebody always have to die in this scenario? Gamora: Just... trust me. And possibly, kill me. Peter Quill: I mean, I'd like to. I really would... Gamora: Swear to me. Swear to me on your mother. Peter Quill: Okay. Dude. How long have you been standing there? Drax: An hour. Peter Quill: An hour? Are you serious? Drax: I've mastered the ability of standing so incredibly still... that I become invisible to the eye... watch. Peter Quill: You're eating a zarg-nut. Drax: But my movement... was so slow... that it's imperceptible. Peter Quill: Mmm, no. Drax: I'm sure I'm invisible. Mantis: Hi, Drax. Drax: Damn it. Peter Quill: This place looks deserted. Drax: I'm reading movement from the third quadrant. Peter Quill: Yep. I'm picking that up, too. Let's put it down right here. Collector: I don't have it. Thanos: Everyone in the Galaxy knows you'd sell your own brother if you thought it would add the slightest trinket to your pathetic collection. I know you have the Reality Stone, Tivan. Giving it to me will spare you a great deal of suffering. Collector: I told you. I sold it. Why would I lie? Thanos: I imagine it's like breathing for you. Collector: Like suicide. Thanos: So you do understand. Not even you would surrender something so precious. Collector: I didn't know what it was. Thanos: Then you're more of a fool than I took you for. Last chance, charlatan. Where's the Stone? Drax: Today... Peter Quill: Drax. Drax. Drax: ...He pays for the deaths of my wife and daughter. Peter Quill: Drax, waaaaait! Not yet, not yet, not yet. Drax, Drax, Drax. He doesn't have the Stone yet. We get it, and then we can stop him. We have to get the Stone first. Yeah. Drax: No. No. For Ovette. For Camaria. Mantis: Sleeeep. Peter Quill: Okay. Gamora, Mantis, you go right. I'm... The other right! Thanos: Why? Why you? Daughter... Peter Quill: That was quick. Collector: Magnificent! Magnificent! Magnificent! Thanos: Is it sadness I sense in you, daughter? In my heart, I knew you still cared. But one ever knows for sure. Reality is often disappointing. That is, it was. Now... reality can be whatever I want. Gamora: You knew I'd come. Thanos: I counted on it. There's something we need to discuss, little one. Drax: Thanos! Peter Quill: Let her go, Grimace! Gamora: Peter... Peter Quill: I told you to go right. Gamora: Now? Really? Peter Quill: You let her go! Thanos: Ah, the boyfriend. Peter Quill: I like to think of myself more as a Titan-killing long-term booty call. Let her go. Gamora: Peter... Peter Quill: Or I'm gonna blow that nut sack of a chin right off your face! Gamora: Not him. You promised! You promised. Thanos: Oh, daughter. You expect too much from him. She's asked, hasn't she? Do it. DO IT!! Peter Quill: I told you to go right. Gamora: I love you, more than anything. Peter Quill: I love you, too. Thanos: I like you. Secretary Ross: Still no word from Vision? James Rhodes: Satellites lost him somewhere over Edinburgh. Secretary Ross: On a stolen Quinjet with four of the world's most wanted criminals. James Rhodes: You know they're only criminals because you've chosen to call them that, right, sir? Secretary Ross: My God, Rhodes, your talent for horseshit rivals my own. James Rhodes: If it weren't for those Accords, Vision would've been right here. Secretary Ross: I remember your signature on those papers, Colonel. James Rhodes: That's right. And I'm pretty sure I've paid for that. Secretary Ross: You have second thoughts? James Rhodes: Not anymore. Steve Rogers: Mr. Secretary. Secretary Ross: You got some nerve. I'll give you that. Natasha Romanoff: You could use some of that right now. Secretary Ross: The world's on fire. And you think, all is forgiven? Steve Rogers: I'm not looking for forgiveness. And I'm way past asking for permission. Earth just lost her best defender. So we're here to fight. And if you wanna stand in our way... we'll fight you, too. Secretary Ross: Arrest them. James Rhodes: All over it. That's a court-martial. It's great to see you, Cap. Steve Rogers: You too, Rhodey. James Rhodes: Well. You guys really look like crap. Must've been a rough couple of years. Sam Wilson: Yeah, well, the hotels weren't exactly five star. Bruce Banner: Uh, I think you look great. Uh... heh... Yeah. I'm back. Natasha Romanoff: Hi, Bruce. Bruce Banner: Nat. Sam Wilson: This is awkward. James Rhodes: So we gotta assume they're coming back, right? Wanda Maximoff: And they can clearly find us. Bruce Banner: We need all hands on deck. Where's Clint? Natasha Romanoff: After the whole Accords situation, he and Scott took a deal. It was too tough on their families, they're on house arrest. Bruce Banner: Who's Scott? Steve Rogers: Ant-Man. Bruce Banner: There's an Ant-Man and a Spider-Man? Okay, look... Thanos has the biggest army in the universe. And he is not gonna stop until he... he gets... Vision's Stone. Natasha Romanoff: Well then, we have to protect it. Vision: No, we have to destroy it. I've been giving a good deal of thought to this entity in my head, about its nature. But also, its composition. I think if it were exposed to a sufficiently powerful energy source, something, very similar to its own signature, perhaps... its molecular integrity could fail. Wanda Maximoff: And you, with it. We're not having this conversation. Vision: Eliminating the stone is the only way to be certain that Thanos can't get it. Wanda Maximoff: That's too high a price. Vision: Only you have the power to pay it. Thanos threatens half the Universe. One life cannot stand in the way of defeating him. Steve Rogers: But it should. We don't trade lives, Vision. Vision: Captain, 70 years ago, you laid down your life to save how many millions of people. Tell me, why is this any different? Bruce Banner: Because you might have a choice. Your mind is made up of a complex construct of overlays. J.A.R.V.I.S., Ultron, Tony, me, the Stone. All of them mixed together. All of them learning from one another. Wanda Maximoff: You're saying Vision isn't just the stone? Bruce Banner: I'm saying that if we take out the stone, there's still a whole lot of Vision left. Perhaps the best parts. Natasha Romanoff: Can we do that? Bruce Banner: Not me. Not here. James Rhodes: You better find someone, and somewhere fast. Ross isn't exactly just gonna let you guys have your old rooms back. Steve Rogers: I know somewhere. Okoye: You'll have the Kingsguard, and the Dora Milaje have been alerted. T'Challa: And the Border Tribe? Okoye: Those that are left. T'Challa: Send word to the Jabari as well. M'Baku likes a good fight. Okoye: And what of this one? T'Challa: This one may be tired of war. But the White Wolf has rested long enough. Bucky Barnes: Where's the fight? T'Challa: On its way. Ebony Maw: In all the time I've served Thanos, I've never failed him. If I were to reach our rendezvous on Titan with the Time Stone still attached to your vaguely irritating person, there would be... judgement. Give me... the stone. Tony Stark: Wow you're a seriously loyal piece of outerwear, aren't you? Peter Parker: Yeah, uh, speaking of loyalty... Tony Stark: What the- Peter Parker: I know what you're gonna say. Tony Stark: You should not be here. Peter Parker: I was gonna go home- Tony Stark: I don't wanna hear it. Peter Parker: But it was such a long way down and I just thought about you on the way... Tony Stark: And now I gotta hear it. Peter Parker: ...And I kinda stuck to the side of the ship. And this suit is ridiculously intuitive, by the way. So if anything, it's kinda your fault that I'm here. Tony Stark: What did you just say? Peter Parker: I take that back. And now I'm here in space. Tony Stark: Yeah. Right where I don't want you to be. This isn't Coney Island. This isn't a field trip. It's a one-way ticket. You hear me? Don't pretend like you thought this through. You could not have possibly thought this through. Peter Parker: No. I did think this through. Tony Stark: You could not have possibly thought this through. Peter Parker: It's just .. you can't be a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man if there's no neighborhood. Okay. That didn't really make any sense, but you know what I'm trying to say. Tony Stark: Come on. We got a situation. See him down there? He's in trouble. What's your plan? Go. Peter Parker: Um. Okay, okay... uh... Okay. Did you ever see this really old movie, Aliens? Ebony Maw: Painful aren't they? They were originally designed for microsurgery. And any one of them... ...Could end your friend's life in an instant. Tony Stark: I gotta tell you, he's not really my friend. Saving his life is more a professional courtesy. Ebony Maw: You've saved nothing. Your powers are inconsequential compared to mine. Tony Stark: Yeah, but the kid's seen more movies. Peter Parker: Yes! Wait what are those?! Hey, we haven't officially met. Cool. Stephen Strange: We've gotta turn this ship around. Tony Stark: Yeah. Now he wants to run. Great plan. Stephen Strange: No, I want to protect the stone. Tony Stark: And I want you to thank me now. Go ahead, I'm listening. Stephen Strange: For what? Nearly blasting me into space? Tony Stark: Who just saved your magical ass? Me. Stephen Strange: I seriously don't know how you fit your head into that helmet. Tony Stark: Admit it. You should have ducked out when I told you to. I tried to bench you. You refused. Stephen Strange: Unlike everyone else in your life, I don't work for you. Tony Stark: And due to that fact, we're now in a flying doughnut billions of miles away from Earth with no backup. Peter Parker: I'm backup. Tony Stark: No. You're a stowaway. The adults are talking. Stephen Strange: I'm sorry, I'm confused as to the relationship here. Wh- what is he, your ward? Peter Parker: No. I'm Peter, by the way. Stephen Strange: Dr. Strange. Peter Parker: Oh, we're using our made-up names. Um... I'm Spider-Man, then. Tony Stark: This ship is self-correcting its course. Thing's on autopilot. Stephen Strange: Can we control it? Fly us home? Stark? Tony Stark: Yeah? Stephen Strange: Can you get us home? Tony Stark: Yeah I heard you. I'm thinking... I'm not so sure we should. Stephen Strange: Under no circumstance can we bring the Time Stone to Thanos. I don't think you quite understand what's at stake here. Tony Stark: No. It's you who doesn't understand, that Thanos has been inside my head for six years since he sent an army to New York and now he's back! And I don't know what to do. So I'm not so sure if it's a better plan to fight him on our turf or his but you saw what they did, what they can do. At least on his turf, he's not expecting it. So I say we take the fight to him. Doctor. Do you concur? Stephen Strange: Alright, Stark. We go to him. But you have to understand... if it comes to saving you or the kid or the Time Stone... I will not hesitate to let either of you die. I can't, because the fate of the universe depends on it. Tony Stark: Nice. Good. Moral compass. We're straight. Alright, kid. You're an Avenger now. Thanos: I thought you might be hungry. Gamora: I always hated that chair. Thanos: So I've been told. Even so. I'd hoped you'd sit on it one day. Gamora: I hated this room. This ship. I hated my life. Thanos: You told me that too. Every day. For almost twenty years. Gamora: I was a child when you took me. Thanos: I saved you. Gamora: No. No. We were happy on my home planet. Thanos: Going to bed hungry, scrounging for scraps. Your planet was on the brink of collapse. I'm the one who stopped that. Do you know what's happened since then? The children born have known nothing but full bellies and clear skies. It's a paradise. Gamora: Because you murdered half the planet. Thanos: A small price to pay for salvation. Gamora: You're insane. Thanos: Little one, it's a simple calculus. This universe is finite, its resources finite. If life is left unchecked, life will cease to exist. It needs correction. Gamora: You don't know that! Thanos: I'm the only one who knows that. At least, I'm the only one with the will to act on it. For a time... you had that same will... as you fought by my side. Daughter. Gamora: I'm not your daughter. Everything I hate about myself you taught me. Thanos: And in doing so, made you the fiercest woman in the galaxy. That's why I trusted you to find the Soul Stone. Gamora: I'm sorry I disappointed you. Thanos: I am disappointed. But not because you didn't find it. But because you did. And you lied. Gamora: Nebula. Don't do this. Thanos: Some time ago, your sister snuck aboard this ship to kill me. Gamora: Please don't do this. Thanos: And very nearly succeeded. So I brought her here. To talk. Gamora: Stop. Stop it. I swear to you on my life. I never found the Soul Stone. Nebula: You know what he's about to do. He's finally ready, and he's going for the stones. All of them. Gamora: He can never get them all. Nebula: He will! Gamora: He can't, Nebula. Because I found the map to the Soul Stone and I burnt it to ash. I burnt it. Thanos: You're strong. Me. You're generous. Me. But I never taught you to lie. That's why you're so bad at it. Where is the Soul Stone? Gamora: Vormir! The Stone is on Vormir. Thanos: Show me. Groot: I am Groot. Rocket: Tinkle in the cup. We're not looking. What's there to see? What's a twig? Everybody's seen a twig. Groot: I am Groot. Thor: Tree, pour what's in the cup out in space, and go in the cup again. Rocket: You speak Groot? Thor: Yes, they taught it on Asgard. It was an elective. Groot: I am Groot. Thor: You'll know when we're there. Nivadellir's forge harnesses the power of a blazing neutron star. It's the birth place of my hammer. It's truly awesome. Rocket: Okay, time to be the captain. So, dead brother, huh? Yeah, that can be annoying. Thor: Well, he's been dead before, but this time I think it really might be true. Rocket: And you said your sister and your dad? Thor: Both dead. Rocket: Still got a mom, though? Thor: Killed by a dark elf. Rocket: A best friend? Thor: Stabbed through the heart. Rocket: Are you sure you're up to this particular murder mission? Thor: Absolutely. Rage, vengeance, anger, loss, regret... they're all tremendous motivators. They really clear the mind. So I'm good to go. Rocket: Yeah, but this Thanos we're talking about... he's the toughest there is. Thor: Well, he's never fought me. Rocket: Yeah, he has! Thor: He's never fought me twice. And I'm getting a new hammer, don't forget. Rocket: Better be some hammer. Thor: You know, I'm 1,500 years old. I've killed twice as many enemies as that, and every one would have rather killed me, but none succeeded. I'm only alive because fate wants me alive. Thanos is the latest in a long line of bastards and he will be the latest to feel my vengeance. Fate wills it so. Rocket: And what if you're wrong? Thor: If I'm wrong then... what more could I lose? Rocket: I could lose a lot. Me personally. I could lose a lot. Okay. If fate does want you to kill that crapsack... you're gonna need more than one stupid eyeball. Thor: What's this? Rocket: What's it look like? Some jerk lost a bet with me on on Contraxia. Thor: He gave you his eye? Rocket: He gave me 100 credits. I snuck in later that night and stole his eye. Thor: Thank you, sweet rabbit. Rocket: Hmm. Huh? Oh. I would've washed that. The only way I could sneak it off Contraxia was up my... Hey, we're here! Thor: I don't think this thing works. Everything seems dark. Rocket: It ain't the eye. Thor: Something's wrong. The star's gone out. And the rings are frozen. Rocket: I hope these dwarves are better at forging than they are cleaning. Maybe they realized they live in a junk pile in the middle of space. Thor: This forge hasn't gone dark in centuries... Rocket: You said Thanos had a gauntlet, right? Thor: Yes. Why? Rocket: Look anything like that? Groot: I am Groot. Thor: Go back to the pod. Eitri, wait! Stop! Eitri: Thor? Thor: What happened here? Eitri: You were supposed to protect us. Asgard was supposed to protect us! Thor: Asgard is destroyed. Eitri, the glove. What did you do? Eitri: 300 dwarves lived on this ring. I thought if I did what he asked, they'd be safe. I made what he wanted. A device capable of harnessing the power of the stones. Then he killed everyone anyway. All except me. 'Your life is yours,' he said. 'But your hands are mine alone.' Thor: Eitri, this isn't about your hands. Every weapon you've ever designed: every ax, hammer, sword - it's all inside your head. Now I know it feels like all hope is lost. Trust me, I know. But together, you and I, we can kill Thanos. Nebula: Mantis, listen very carefully. I need you to meet me on Titan. Peter Parker: Hey, what's going on? Stephen Strange: I think we're here. Tony Stark: I don't think this rig has a self-park function. Get your hand into this steering gimbal. Close those around it. You understand? Peter Parker: Yep, got it. Tony Stark: This was meant for one big guy, so we gotta to move at the same time. Peter Parker: Okay. Okay. Ready. We might wanna turn. Turn! Turn! Turn!! Tony Stark: You alright? That was close. I owe you one. Peter Parker: Let me just say, if aliens wind up implanting eggs in my chest or something, and I eat one of you, I'm sorry. Tony Stark: I don't wanna hear another single pop culture out of you for the rest of the trip. You understand? Peter Parker: I'm trying to say that... something is coming. Drax: THANOS!!!! Peter Parker: AH! Whoawhoawhoawhoa! PLEASE DON'T PUT YOUR EGGS IN ME! Peter Quill: Stay down, clown! Drax: Die, blanket of death! Peter Quill: Alright, everybody, stay where you are... chill the F out. I'm gonna ask you this one time. Where's Gamora? Tony Stark: Yeah, I'll do you one better. Who's Gamora? Drax: I'll do you one better. Why is Gamora? Peter Quill: Tell me where the girl is, or I swear to you, I'm gonna French-fry this little freak. Tony Stark: Let's do it! You shoot my guy, I blast him. Let's go! Drax: Do it, Quill! I can take it. Mantis: No, he can't take it! Stephen Strange: She's right. You can't. Peter Quill: Oh yeah? You don't wanna tell me where she is? That's fine. I'll kill all three of you and beat it out of Thanos myself. Starting with you. Stephen Strange: Wait, what. Thanos? Alright, let me ask you this one time: What master do you serve? Peter Quill: What master do I serve? What am I supposed to say? "Jesus"? Tony Stark: You're from Earth? Peter Quill: I'm not from Earth. I'm from Missouri. Tony Stark: Yeah, that's on Earth, dip-shit. What are you hassling us for? Peter Parker: So, you're not with Thanos? Peter Quill: With Thanos?! No, I'm here to kill Thanos! He took my girl- Wai- who are you? Peter Parker: We're the Avengers, man. Peter Quill: Oh. Mantis: You're the ones Thor told us about! Tony Stark: You know Thor!? Peter Quill: Yeah. Tall guy, not that good-looking, needed saving. Stephen Strange: Where is he now? Rocket: This is the plan? We're gonna hit him with a brick? Eitri: It's a mold. A king's weapon. Meant to be the greatest in Asgard. In theory, it could even summon the Bifrost. Thor: Did it have a name? Eitri: Stormbreaker. Rocket: That's a bit much. Thor: So how do we make it? Eitri: You'll have to restart the forge. Awaken the heart of a dying star. Thor: Rabbit, fire up the pod. Peter Quill: The heck happened to this planet? It's eight degrees off its axis. Gravitational pull is all over the place. Tony Stark: Yeah, we got one advantage. He's coming to us. We'll use it. All right, I have a plan. Or at least the beginnings of one. It's pretty simple. We draw him in, pin him down, get what we need. Definitely don't wanna dance with this guy. We just want the gauntlet. Are you yawning? In the middle of this, while I'm breaking it down? Huh? Did you hear what I said? Drax: I stopped listening after you said, "We need a plan." Tony Stark: Okay, Mr. Clean is on his own page. Peter Quill: See, "not winging it" isn't really what they do. Peter Parker: Uh, what exactly is it that they do? Mantis: Kick names, take ass. Drax: Yeah, that's right. Tony Stark: Alright, just get over here, please. Mr. Lord, can you get your folks to circle up? Peter Quill: "Mr. Lord." Star-Lord is fine. Tony Stark: We gotta coalesce. 'Cause if all we come at him with is a plucky attitude... Peter Quill: Dude, don't call us plucky. We don't know what it means. Alright, we're optimistic, yes. I like your plan. Except it sucks, so let me do the plan, and that way it might be really good. Drax: Tell him about the dance-off to save the universe. Tony Stark: What dance-off? Peter Quill: It's not a... it's not... it's nothing. Peter Parker: Like in Footloose, the movie? Peter Quill: Exactly like Footloose. Is it still the greatest movie in history? Peter Parker: It never was. Tony Stark: Don't encourage this, alright? Peter Parker: Okay. Tony Stark: We're getting no help from Flash Gordon here. Peter Quill: Flash Gordon? By the way, that's a compliment. Don't forget, I'm half human. So that 50% of me that's stupid? That's 100% you. Tony Stark: Your math is blowing my mind. Mantis: Excuse me, but... does your friend often do that? Tony Stark: Strange, we alright? You're back. You're alright. Peter Parker: Hey, what was that? Stephen Strange: I went forward in time to view alternate futures. To see all the possible outcomes of the coming conflict. Peter Quill: How many did you see? Stephen Strange: 14,000,605 Tony Stark: How many did we win? Stephen Strange: One. Thanos: The stone had better be up there... for your sister's sake. Red Skull: Welcome, Thanos, son of A'lars. Gamora, daughter of Thanos. Thanos: You know us? Red Skull: It is my curse to know all who journey here. Thanos: Where's the Soul Stone? Red Skull: You should know... it extracts a terrible price. Thanos: I am prepared. Red Skull: We all think that at first. We are all wrong. Thanos: How is it you know this place so well? Red Skull: A lifetime ago, I, too, sought the stones. I even held one in my hand. But it cast me out, banished me here. Guiding others to a treasure I cannot possess. What you seek lies before you. As does what you fear. Thanos: What's this? Red Skull: The price. Soul hold a special place among the Infinity Stones. You might say it has a certain wisdom. Thanos: Tell me what it needs. Red Skull: To ensure that whoever possesses it... understands its power... The stone demands a sacrifice. Thanos: Of what? Red Skull: In order to take the stone, you must lose that which you love. A soul, for a soul. Gamora: All my life, I dreamed of a day... a moment when you would get what you deserved. And I was always so disappointed. But now... you kill and torture... and you call it mercy. The universe has judged you. You asked it for a prize, and it told you no. You failed. And do you wanna know why? Because you love nothing. No one. Really? Tears? Red Skull: They're not for him. Gamora: No! This isn't love! Thanos: I ignored my destiny once. I cannot do that again. Even for you. I'm sorry, little one. Gamora: No! Steve Rogers: Drop to 2600, heading 0-3-0. Sam Wilson: I hope you're right about this, Cap. Or we're gonna land a lot faster than you want to. Okoye: When you said we were going to open Wakanda to the rest of the world... this is not what I imagined. T'Challa: And what did you imagine? Okoye: The Olympics. Maybe even a Starbucks. Bruce Banner: Should we bow? James Rhodes: Yeah, he's a king. Steve Rogers: Seems like I'm always thanking you for something. James Rhodes: What are you doing? T'Challa: Uh, we don't do that here. So how big of an assault can we expect? Bruce Banner: Uh, sir, I think you can expect quite a big assault. Natasha Romanoff: How we looking? T'Challa: You will have my Kingsguard, the Border Tribe, the Dora Milaje, and... Bucky Barnes: A semi-stable, 100-year-old man. Steve Rogers: How you been, Buck? Bucky Barnes: Uh, not bad, for the end of the world. Shuri: Whoa. The structure is polymorphic. Bruce Banner: Right, we had to attach each neuron non-sequentially. Shuri: Why didn't you just reprogram the synapses to work collectively? Bruce Banner: Because, we didn't think of it. Shuri: I'm sure you did your best. Wanda Maximoff: Can you do it? Shuri: Yes, but there are more than two trillion neurons here. One misalignment could cause a cascade of circuit failures. It will take time, brother. Steve Rogers: How long? Shuri: As long as you can give me. Okoye: Something's entered the atmosphere. Sam Wilson: Hey, Cap, we got a situation here. Bucky Barnes: God, I love this place. James Rhodes: Yeah, don't start celebrating yet, guys. We got more incoming outside the dome. Vision: It's too late. We need to destroy the stone now. Natasha Romanoff: Vision, get your ass back on the table. T'Challa: We will hold them off. Steve Rogers: Wanda, as soon as the stone's out of his head... you blow it to hell. Wanda Maximoff: I will. T'Challa: Evacuate the city. Engage all defense procedures. And get this man a shield. Rocket: I don't think you get the scientifics here. These rings are gigantic. You wanna get them moving, you're gonna need something a lot bigger to yank 'em loose. Thor: Leave that to me. Rocket: Leave that to you? Buddy, you're in space. All you got is a rope and a- Thor: Fire the engines! Rocket: Nnnyah! Thor: MORE... POWER... RABBIT! Eitri: Well done, boy. Thor: That's Nivadellir! Eitri: Damn it. Rocket: "Damn it"? What's "damn it"? Eitri: The mechanism is crippled. Thor: What? Eitri: With the iris closed I can't heat the metal. Thor: How long will it take to heat? Eitri: A few minutes, maybe more. Why? Thor: I'm gonna hold it open. Eitri: That's suicide. Thor: So is facing Thanos without that ax. Natasha Romanoff: How we looking, Bruce? Bruce Banner: Yeah, I think I'm getting the hang of it. Wow! It's like being the Hulk without actually- I'm okay. I'm okay. James Rhodes: I got two heat signatures breaking through the tree line. Jabari Warriors: MIE EFFA! YA HU! MIE EFFA! YA HU! MIE EFFA! YA HU! MIE EFFA! YA HU! MIE EFFA! YA HU! T'Challa: Thank you for standing with us. M'Baku: Of course, brother. Natasha Romanoff: Where's your other friend? Proxima Midnight: You will pay for his life with yours. Thanos will have that stone. Steve Rogers: That's not gonna happen. T'Challa: You are in Wakanda now. Thanos will have nothing but dust and blood. Proxima Midnight: We... have blood to spare. Bucky Barnes: Did they surrender? Steve Rogers: Not exactly. Bucky Barnes: What the hell. Natasha Romanoff: Looks like we pissed her off. Okoye: They're killing themselves. Sam Wilson: You seen the teeth on those things? James Rhodes: Alright, back up, Sam. You're gonna get your wings singed. Bruce Banner: Cap, if these things circle the perimeter and get in behind us... there's nothing between them and Vision. Steve Rogers: Them we better keep 'em in front of us. Okoye: How do we do that? T'Challa: We open the barrier. On my signal, open North-West Section Seventeen. Dome Control: Requesting confirmation, my King. You said open the barrier? T'Challa: On my signal. M'Baku: This will be the end of Wakanda. Okoye: Then it will be the noblest ending in history. T'Challa: WAKANDA FOREVER!!!! Now! How much longer, Shuri? Shuri: We've barely begun, brother. T'Challa: You might want to pick up the pace. Thor: Allfathers, give me strength. Eitri: You understand, boy? You're about to take the full force of a star. It'll kill you. Thor: Only if I die. Eitri: Yes. That's what... "killing you" means. Hold it! Hold it, Thor! Rocket: Thor! Say something. Come on. Thor, you okay? I think he's dying! Eitri: He needs the ax! Where's the handle? Tree, help me find the handle! Bruce Banner: There's too many of them! GYAH! AAAAHHHHH! AH-hahaha! You guys are so screwed now! Thor: BRING ME THANOS! Stephen Strange: Oh, yeah, you're much more of a "Thanos." Thanos: I take it the Maw is dead. This day extracts a heavy toll. Still, he accomplished his mission. Stephen Strange: You may regret that. He brought you face-to-face with the Master of the Mystic Arts. Thanos: And where do you think he brought you? Stephen Strange: Let me guess. Your home? Thanos: It was. And it was beautiful. Titan was like most planets. Too many mouths, and not enough to go around. And when we faced extinction, I offered a solution. Stephen Strange: Genocide. Thanos: But at random, dispassionate, fair to rich and poor alike. They called me a madman. And what I predicted came to pass. Stephen Strange: Congratulations. You're a prophet. Thanos: I'm a survivor. Stephen Strange: Who wants to murder trillions. Thanos: With all six stones, I could simply snap my fingers, and they would all cease to exist. I call that... mercy. Stephen Strange: And then what? Thanos: I finally rest... and watch the sun rise on a grateful universe. The hardest choices require the strongest wills. Stephen Strange: I think... you'll find... our will... equal to yours. Thanos: Ours? Tony Stark: Piece of cake, Quill. Peter Quill: Yeah, if your goal was to piss him off! Boom! Stephen Strange: Do not let him close his fist. Peter Parker: Magic! More magic! Magic with a kick! Magic with a- Thanos: Insect! Well, well. Nebula: You should have killed me. Thanos: It would've been a waste of parts! Nebula: Where's Gamora?! Tony Stark: Is he under? Don't let up. Mantis: Be quick. He is very strong. Tony Stark: Parker, help! Get over here. She can't hold him much longer. Let's go. Peter Quill: I thought you'd be harder to catch. For the record, this was my plan. Not so strong now, huh? Where is Gamora? Thanos: My Gamora...? Peter Quill: No, bull-shit. Where is she? Mantis: He is in anguish. Peter Quill: Good. Mantis: He... he mourns. Drax: What does this monster have to mourn? Nebula: Gamora. Peter Quill: What? Nebula: He took her to Vormir. He came back with the Soul Stone... but she didn't. Tony Stark: Okay, Quill, you gotta cool it right now, you understand? Don't, don't, don't engage, we've almost got this off! Peter Quill: Tell me she's lying. Asshole! Tell me you didn't do it! Thanos: I... had... to. Peter Quill: No, you didn't...! No, you didn't...! NO, YOU DIDN'T! Tony Stark: Quill! Hey, stop! Hey, stop! Stop! Hey, stop! Stop! Peter Parker: It's coming! It's coming! It's coming! I got it! I got it... ! Oh, God. Rocket: Come and get some, space dogs! Come on, get some, get some! Come on, get some! How much for the gun? Bucky Barnes: Not for sale. Rocket: Okay, how much for the arm? Oh, I'll get that arm. Steve Rogers: New haircut? Thor: Notice you've copied my beard. By the way, this is a friend of mine. Tree. Groot: I AM GROOT! Steve Rogers: I am Steve Rogers. T'Challa: Fall back! Fall back now! James Rhodes: Focus that fire on the left flank, Sam. Sam Wilson: I'm doing it. Okoye: Why was she up there all this time? Proxima Midnight: She's on the field. Take it. Sam Wilson: Guys, we got a Vision situation here. Steve Rogers: Somebody get to Vision! Bruce Banner: I got him! Wanda Maximoff: On my way. Proxima Midnight: He'll die alone. As will you. Natasha Romanoff: She's not alone. Proxima Midnight: Euuyaaah! Bruce Banner: Oh no, oh no you don't. This isn't going to be like New York, pal. This suit's already kicked the crap out of the Hulk- Guys! Vision needs backup now! Hulk. Hulk, I know you like making your entrance at the last second, well, this is it, man. This is the last, last second. Ahhhhh! Hulk! Hulk! HULK! Hulk: NOOOO!!! Bruce Banner: Oh, screw you, ya big green asshole! I'll do it myself! Come on! See you later, Alligator! Hulk, we got a lot to figure out, pal. Corvus Glaive: I thought you were formidable, machine. But you're dying, like any man. Steve Rogers: Get outta here! GO! Natasha Romanoff: That was really gross. Steve Rogers: I thought I told you to go. Vision: We don't trade lives, Captain. Peter Parker: I got you! I got you! I'm sorry I can't remember anybody's names! Thanos: You're full of tricks, wizard. Stephen Strange: No! Thanos: Yet you never once used your greatest weapon. A fake. Tony Stark: You throw another moon at me, and I'm gonna to lose it. Thanos: Stark. Tony Stark: You know me? Thanos: I do. You're not the only one cursed with knowledge. Tony Stark: My only curse is you. Thanos: Come on! All that for a drop of blood. You have my respect, Stark. When I'm done, half of humanity will still be alive. I hope they remember you. Stephen Strange: Stop! Spare his life... and I will give you the stone. Thanos: No tricks. Tony Stark: Don't...! Thanos: One to go. Peter Quill: Where is he?! Did we just lose? Tony Stark: Why would you do that? Stephen Strange: We're in the Endgame now. M'Baku: MAYEFA! Jabari Warriors: YA HU HU! Wanda Maximoff: Are you okay? What? What is it? Vision: He's here. Steve Rogers: Everyone, on my position. We have incoming. Natasha Romanoff: What the hell? Bruce Banner: Cap. That's him. Steve Rogers: Eyes up. Stay sharp. Vision: Wanda. It's time. Wanda Maximoff: No. Vision: They can't stop him, Wanda, but we can. Look at me. You have the power to destroy the stone. Wanda Maximoff: Don't. Vision: You must do it. Wanda, please. We. Are. Out of time. Wanda Maximoff: I can't. Vision: Yes, you can. You can. If he gets the stone, half the universe dies. Wanda Maximoff: It's not fair. Vision: It shouldn't be you, but it is. It's all right. You could never hurt me. I just... feel you. It's all right. It's all right. I love you. Thanos: I understand, my child. Better than anyone. Wanda Maximoff: You could never. Thanos: Today, I lost more than you can know. But now is no time to mourn. Now... is no time at all. Wanda Maximoff: No! Thor: I told you. You'd die for that! Thanos: You should have... you... You should have gone for the head! Thor: NO! Thanos: Daughter? Gamora: Did you do it? Thanos: Yes. Gamora: What did it cost? Thanos: Everything. Thor: What'd you do? WHAT'D YOU DO?! Steve Rogers: Where'd he go? Thor... where'd he go? Bucky Barnes: Steve? T'Challa: Up, General. Up! This is no place to die. Okoye: Kumkani?! Groot: I am Groot... Rocket: No... no. No. No. No! Groot, no... James Rhodes: Sam? Sam, where you at?! Mantis: Something's happening. Drax: Quill? Tony Stark: Steady, Quill. Peter Quill: Aw, man. Stephen Strange: Tony, there was no other way. Peter Parker: Mr. Stark? I don't feel so good... Tony Stark: You're all right? Peter Parker: I don't know what's - I don't know what's happening. I don't- I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go, Mr. Stark, please. Please, I don't wanna go. I don't wanna go... I'm sorry. Nebula: He did it. James Rhodes: What is this? What the hell is happening? Steve Rogers: Oh, God. Nick Fury: Still no word from Stark? Maria Hill: No, not yet. We're watching every satellite in both hemispheres, there's still nothing. Nick Fury: What is it? Maria Hill: Multiple bogeys over Wakanda. Nick Fury: Same energy signatures as New York? Maria Hill: Ten times bigger. Nick Fury: Tell Klein. We'll meet him at- - Maria Hill: Nick, Nick! Nick Fury: They okay? Maria Hill: There's no one here. Nick Fury: Call Control. Code Red. Maria Hill: Nick? Nick Fury: Hill? Oh, no. Motherf-

Yon-Rogg: Do you know what time it is? Carol Danvers: Can't sleep. Yon-Rogg: There are tabs for that. Carol Danvers: Yeah, but then I'd be sleeping. Yon-Rogg: Dreams again? Carol Danvers: Wanna fight? I slipped. Yon-Rogg: Right. You slipped as a result of me punching you in the face. Carol Danvers: I was already slipping when you happened to punch me in the face. The two events are not related. Yon-Rogg: Tell me about this dream. Anything new? Carol Danvers: No. Yon-Rogg: You've got to let go of your past. Carol Danvers: I don't remember my past. Yon-Rogg: It's causing you doubt, and doubt makes you vulnerable. Control it. Lose control again and you'll have to convene with the Supreme Intelligence. There is nothing more dangerous to a warrior than emotion. Humor is a distraction. And anger? Anger only serves the enemy. Electronic Voice-Over: 120 days since the last Skrull attack. Carol Danvers: Has anybody seen what the Supreme Intelligence really looks like? Yon-Rogg: No-one can look upon the Supreme Intelligence in its true form. You know that. Our subconscious chooses the way they appear to us. So it's sacred, it's personal. The Kree divulges it ever. Carol Danvers: Who do you see? Your brother? Yon-Rogg: No. Carol Danvers: Father? Yon-Rogg: No Carol Danvers: Your old commander? Yon-Rogg: Vers... Carol Danvers: It's me you see, isn't it? Yon-Rogg: I see what you're trying to do. Carol Danvers: Is it working? Yon-Rogg: Yes. But you won't succeed in changing my mind on the subject. Carol Danvers: What is the point of giving me these if you don't want me to use them? Yon-Rogg: You're going to use them. The Supreme Intelligence made me the responsibility of showing you how to use them. Carol Danvers: I know how. Yon-Rogg: Well if that were true, you'd knock me down without them. Control your impulses. Stop using this and start using this . I need you to be the best version of yourself. Supreme Intelligence: Vers. Carol Danvers: Intelligence. Supreme Intelligence: Your commander insists that you're fit to serve. Carol Danvers: I am. Supreme Intelligence: You struggle with your emotions, with your past which fuels them. You are just one victim of the Skrull expansion that has threatened our civilisation for centuries. Imposters who silently infiltrate then take over our planets. Horrors which you remember and so much which you do not. Carol Danvers: It's all... blank. My life. You're supposed to take the form of you I most admire but I don't even remember who this person was to me. Supreme Intelligence: Perhaps this is a mercy, sparing you from a deeper pain. Freeing you to do what all Kree must. Put your people's needs before your own. We've given you a great gift, a chance to fight for the good of all Kree. Carol Danvers: I want to serve. Supreme Intelligence: Then master yourself; what was given can be taken away. Carol Danvers: I won't let you down. Supreme Intelligence: We'll know soon enough. You have a mission. Serve well and with honor. Att-Lass: This can't be good. Korath: It must be another Skrull attack. Bron-Char: Whatever it is, it's big. Minn-Erva: Has a Skrull ever simmed you? Korath: Once. It was deeply disturbing. Carol Danvers: Why? Korath: Because I stared into the face of my mortal enemy and the face staring back was my own. Carol Danvers: Well maybe if you were more attractive then it would be less disturbing. Korath: You think you're funny, but I'm not laughing. Att-Lass: You never laugh. Korath: I laugh on the inside. I'm not doing it now. Bron-Char: It's funny cause objectively speaking, you're quite handsome. Korath: Well thank you. Yon-Rogg: Listen up team! Knock it off. Alright, prepare for a search and rescue of our spy, Soh-Larr. The Skrulls have invaded yet another border planet, this time Torfa. Soh-Larr sent a warning signal, which we've intercepted, that his cover's blown. The Skrull General Talos has sent kill units to find him. Should they reach him before we do, the intelligence he has acquired over three years is as good as theirs. The accusors will bomb a Skrull stronghold here in the south. We slip in, we locate Soh-Larr and we get out, leaving them none the wiser. The Torfa populace; we are not to interfere with them nor them with us. Nothing compromises the security of our mission. Proceed with caution. Follow protocol before extracting him. This is a dangerous mission, we must all be ready to join the collective if that is our fate today. For the good of all Kree! Vers, Bron-Char, Korath, Minn-Erva And Att-Lass: For the good of all Kree! Yon-Rogg: Vers, track Soh-Larr's beacon. Att-Lass and Minn-Erva find elevation. Minn-Erva: Locals on the periphery. Maybe a dozen. Yon-Rogg: Minn-Erva? Minn-Erva: Do you read me? Anybody copy? Yon-Rogg: Repeat. Carol Danvers: His beacon's coming from that temple. Let's move. Yon-Rogg: No. This is the perfect spot for an ambush. Only one way in, only one way out. Bron-Char: And we have to pass the locals. Yon-Rogg: We don't know if they are locals. Too risky. Carol Danvers: You don't have to go with me. I'll go alone. Yon-Rogg: No! You won't. Right. Keep a close radius, we lose comms we meet back at the Helion. Come on. Minn-Erva: Att-Lass, you getting this? Att-Lass: Copy. I see them. Yon-Rogg: Get back! Bron-Char: Commander! Yon-Rogg: Get back. Back! Minn-Erva, do you have eyes on this? Get back! Minn-Erva! Minn-Erva: Does anybody copy? Yon-Rogg: I don't want to hurt you. Get back! Stay back! Att-Lass: They're locals. I found two dead, no green. They're just starving. Carol Danvers: HGX-78 Soh-Larr: TRT79-VVX6 Bron-Char: Get back! Yon-Rogg: Skrulls! Vers? Skrulls! It's an ambush. Vers! Bron-Char: Incoming! Yon-Rogg: Back to the Helion! Vers? Do you copy? Carol Danvers: How did you know the code? Talos: How about I tell you my secret? When you tell me yours? Skrull Tech: Let's open her up. Talos: Where are we? Skrull Scientist: Stand by. Maria Rambeau: Where's your head at? Carol Danvers: In the clouds. Where's yours? Maria Rambeau: On my shoulders. About to show these boys how to do it. You ready? Carol Danvers: Higher, further, faster baby. Maria Rambeau: That's right. Talos: This can't be right. Go back even further. Boy: You're going too fast. You need to go slow. Talos: Who is this person? Are we in the right...? Joseph Danvers: What the hell are you thinking? You don't belong out here! Skrull Scientist: I think we went back too far. Carol Danvers: You let him drive. Skrull Scientist: Let me try something. Cadets: You don't belong out here! You're not strong enough! You'll kill yourself! Drill Instructor: They'll never let you fly. Talos: Am I the only one who's confused here? Pilot: You're a decent pilot, but you're too emotional. You do know why they call it a cockpit, don't you? Vers' Brother: Huge rumble throughout the cosmos shook the moon and the sun and the stars in the sky. And so, little Alouette flew up throughout the night. Carol Danvers: Did you see her? It's Alouette. Maria Rambeau: Get your butt's inside, it's time to eat. Carol Danvers: Prepare for takeoff Lieutenant Trouble. Talos: Charming memory. Skrull Scientist: Hang on. I think I got it. Wendy Lawson: Goose likes you. She doesn't typically take to people. Carol Danvers: Early start to your morning. Wendy Lawson: Ah. Late night actually, I can't sleep when there's work to do. Sound familiar? Carol Danvers: Flying airplanes never feels like work. Wendy Lawson: Wonderful view isn't it? Carol Danvers: I prefer the view from up there. Wendy Lawson: You'll get there soon enough Ace. Talos: Wait, wait, wait. That's her. Get her back. Skrull Scientist: Stand by. Wendy Lawson: Sound familiar? Wonderful view isn't it? Carol Danvers: I prefer the view from up there. Wendy Lawson: You'll get there soon enough... Talos: What's that on her shirt? I couldn't read it. Wendy Lawson: Sound familiar? Wonderful view isn't it? Carol Danvers: I prefer the view from up there. Wendy Lawson: You'll get there soon enough... Talos: Focus. Carol Danvers: Excuse me? Talos: Look down. Focus. Pegasus, Dr. Wendy Lawson. That's her. Carol Danvers: Can you hear that? Talos: Do we have the location? Skrull Tech: Got it. Talos: Now track Lawson until we find the energy signature. Interesting. Huh. Hold on. Go back right before this. Go back. Carol Danvers: That's no MIG, Lawson. Talos: This is it. Now, let me see where you're headed. That's right, look at the coordinates. Focus. Open, please. That's it. That's it. You're almost there.You're almost there. Don't fight it. Focus! Get her back. Get her back now! Skrull Scientist: This doesn't make any sense. Talos: Do we have any information we can act on? Skrull Scientist: Just that Lawson was somewhere on the Planet C53. We're on our way. Talos: Then dig, dig, dig, deeper. Lawson is our link to that lightspeed engine! And everything we're after... Oh. That did something. Try that again. Skrull: Oh-uh. Talos: Not yet! Carol Danvers: What did you do to me? Talos: We're just after a little information. Carol Danvers: What did you put in my head? Talos: Nothing that wasn't already there. Carol Danvers: But those aren't my memories. Talos: Yeah, its like a bad trip in there. I'm not surprised you can't keep it straight. They really did a number on you. Carol Danvers: Enough of your mind games! What do you want? Talos: We're looking for the location of a Doctor Lawson and her light speed engine. Carol Danvers: I don't know any Doctor Lawson. Talos: Then why is she in your head? Carol Danvers: You wouldn't know how these things come off would ya? No? Fine. Hey! Talos: Leaving so soon? We're just getting to know each other. Carol Danvers: Vers to Star Force Command. Do you read me? Hello? Do you copy? Hi, I'm Vers. Kree Star Force. Is this C-53? Do you understand me? Is my universal translator working? Security Officer: Yeah, I understand you. Carol Danvers: Oh, good. Are you in charge of security for this district? Security Officer: Sort of. The movie theatre has its own guy. Carol Danvers: Where can I find communications equipment? Thank you. Talos: Track the pod, find the girl. She knows more than she knows. Hey, this one's taken. Carol Danvers: Come on. Yon-Rogg: Vers. Verify, CTC39. Carol Danvers: GRX31600, and I'm fine thank you for asking. Is everyone ok, what happened? Yon-Rogg: Skrull ambush. I thought we'd lost you. Did you find Soh-Larr? Carol Danvers: It wasn't Soh-Larr. Talos simmed him, even knew his code. Yon-Rogg: That's impossible. That code was buried in his unconscious. Carol Danvers: The Skrulls messed with my mind. The machine that they used, I think it was how they extracted Soh-Larr's code. Yon-Rogg: Vers, where are you? Carol Danvers: I'm on planet C-53. The Skrulls are looking for someone named Lawson. Yon-Rogg: Who? Carol Danvers: She's... who I see... Yon-Rogg: She's what? Vers. Vers, what? Carol Danvers: She's a scientist. They think that she's cracked the code on light speed tech. I have to get to her before they do, or else they'll be able to invade new galaxies. Yon-Rogg: No. You've been caught once already. How far to C-53? Bron-Char: Closest jump point is 22 hours. Yon-Rogg: Vers. Hold your position until we get there, keep your comms online so that we can contact you. Carol Danvers: No! What if they get a hold of it before... Yon-Rogg: Vers? Vers! Korath: If the Skrulls have got to her, she's compromised. Yon-Rogg: She's stronger than you think. Bron-Char: Have you visited C-53? Minn-Erva: Once, it's a real shithole. Phil Coulson: You call this in? Nick Fury: Excuse me miss, do you know anything about a lady who went through the roof of that Blockbuster over there? Witness says she was dressed for laser tag. Carol Danvers: Oh. Yeah, I think she went that way. Nick Fury: Ah. I'd like to ask you some questions. Maybe give you the 4-1-1 on late night drop-bys. Could I see some identification, please? Carol Danvers: Vers. Kree Star Force. We don't carry identification on metal cards. Nick Fury: Vers. Star Force. How long are you planning on being in town? Carol Danvers: Oh, I'll be out of your hair as soon as I track down the Skrulls which are infiltrating your planet. Nick Fury: Skrulls? Carol Danvers: Shape-shifters. They can transform into any lifeform down to the DNA. Oh boy, you guys don't have a clue do you? Nick Fury: Oh, oh, oh, oh. Hold on. How do we know that you're not one of those... shapeshifters? Carol Danvers: Congratulations Agent Fury. You have finally asked a relevant question. Nick Fury: Oh! Congratulations to you Star Force Lady. You're under arrest. Stan Lee: Trust me, true believer. Trust me- Trust me, true believer. Phil Coulson: Train's heading for a tunnel up ahead. Nick Fury: Let's greet them at the station. Phil Coulson: Fury, this is Agent Colson. Umm, I'm still here at the Blockbuster and where did everybody go? I've finished collecting evidence. Biker: Nice scuba suit. Line up honey, heh? Got a smile for me? Medical Examiner: All life on Earth is carbon-based, not this guy. Whatever he runs on, it's not on the periodic table. Nick Fury: You're saying he's not from around here? Medical Examiner: Hey, how's your eye? Nick Fury: Well, I'd say fine. But it can't believe what it's seeing. Director: You said, that this thing looked like Coulson? Nick Fury: Talked like him too. Director: The woman said that there were more? Nick Fury: The word she used was infiltration. Director: Belive her? Nick Fury: Not 'till I say this. Director: What's your plan? Nick Fury: I got to find Blockbuster girl. I got word on a motorcycle thief which fits her description. She can tell us why these lizards are here, maybe she can tell us how to kick them to the curb. Director: Good. Do it alone though. Can't trust anyone. Not even our own men. Nick Fury: Yes sir. Director: Wow, they're ugly bastards aren't they? Medical Examiner: Yeah, well. They're not Brad Pitt sir. Director: Safe journey to the beyond my friend. I will finish what we started. Medical Examiner: I wouldn't get too close there boss. Director: No-one in or out. Bartender: What can I get ya? Carol Danvers: Where was this photograph taken? Bartender: At an airport? Carol Danvers: Where's Pegasus? Nick Fury: That's classified. Not unlike the file I started on you. But I see you changed it up a bit since then. Grunge is a good look for you. Carol Danvers: Did you have a rough day Agent Fury? Nick Fury: It's cool. You know, space invasion, big car chase, got to watch an alien autopsy. Typical 9 to 5. Carol Danvers: So you saw one? Nick Fury: I was never one to believe in aliens. But I can't unsee that. Carol Danvers: This is gonna get a little awkward but I gotta ask. Nick Fury: You think I'm one of those green things. Carol Danvers: Can't be too careful. Nick Fury: You are looking at 100 percent red-blooded Earthman. Carol Danvers: I'm afraid I'm gonna need proof. Nick Fury: We talking cheek swab or urine sample. Carol Danvers: No. The DNA would match. Nick Fury: Well my AOL password. Carol Danvers: Skrulls can only assume recent memories of their host bodies. Nick Fury: Oh oh! You wanna get personal. Carol Danvers: Where were you born? Nick Fury: Huntsville, Alabama. But technically I don't remember that part. Carol Danvers: Name of your first pet. Nick Fury: Mr. Snuffers. Carol Danvers: Mr. Snuffers? Nick Fury: That's what I said. Did I pass? Carol Danvers: Not yet. First job? Nick Fury: Soldier, straight out of high school. Got the ranks of full breed Colonel. Carol Danvers: And then? Nick Fury: Spy. Carol Danvers: Where? Nick Fury: It was the Cold War, we were everywhere. Uh... Belfast, Bucharest, Belgrade, Budapest. Carol Danvers: Now? Nick Fury: Been riding a desk for the past few years, trying to figure out where our future enemies are coming from. Never occurred to me that they'd be coming from above. Carol Danvers: Name a detail so bizarre a Skrull could never fabricate it. Nick Fury: If toast is cut diagonally, I can't eat it. You didn't need that did you? Carol Danvers: No. No, I didn't. But I enjoyed it. Nick Fury: Ok. Your turn. Prove you're not a Skrull. And how is that supposed to prove to me that your not a Skrull? Carol Danvers: It's a photon blast. Nick Fury: And...? Carol Danvers: A Skrull can't do that. So a full-bred colonel turned spy turned SHIELD agent must have pretty high-security clearance. Where's Pegasus? Nick Fury: So the Skrulls are alien races which infiltrate and overtake alien planets. And you're a Kree, a race of noble warriors. Carol Danvers: Heroes. Noble warrior heroes. Nick Fury: So um. What do Skrulls want with Dr. Lawson? Carol Danvers: They believe she developed a light speed engine at Pegasus. Nick Fury: Light speed engine? I've got to admit, that's not the craziest thing I've heard today. Carol Danvers: Well, it's still early. Nick Fury: And you, what do you want? Carol Danvers: To stop the Skrulls before they become unstoppable. Nick Fury: And...? Look, war is a universal language. I know a rogue soldier when I see one, you've got a personal stake in this. Security Checkpoint: This is a government property, turn your vehicle around. Nick Fury: Nicholas Joseph Fury, Agent of SHIELD. Security Checkpoint: Place your thumb on the pad. One moment. Carol Danvers: Nicholas Joseph Fury, you have three names? Nick Fury: Everybody calls me Fury. Not Nicholas, not Joseph, not Nick. Just Fury. Carol Danvers: What does your mom call you? Nick Fury: Fury. Carol Danvers: What do you call her? Nick Fury: Fury. Carol Danvers: What about your kids? Nick Fury: If I have them, they'll call me Fury. Security Checkpoint: You're cleared for access. Nick Fury: Thank you. Oh, hold up. You look like somebody's disaffected niece. Put that on. Carol Danvers: What is this? Nick Fury: It's the SHIELD logo. Carol Danvers: Does announcing your identity on clothing help with the covert part of your job. Nick Fury: Said the space soldier who was wearing a rubber suit. Lose the flannel. Security: How can I help you? Nick Fury: We're agents of SHIELD. Carol Danvers: We're looking for a woman named Lawson. Nick Fury: A Dr. Wendy Lawson. Carol Danvers: Do you know her? Security: Follow me. Carol Danvers: Hmm. Nick Fury: Are you familiar with the phrase "Welcome Wagon"? Carol Danvers: No. Nick Fury: Well, this ain't it. Carol Danvers: Is that a communicator? Nick Fury: Yeah. State-of-the-art two-way pager. Carol Danvers: Who are you paging? Nick Fury: My mom. Don't worry, I didn't mention you. After you. Carol Danvers: Impressive. Nick Fury: Oh. You should see what I can do with a paperclip. Hey, there. How are you? Oh my goodness. Look at you. Just look at you. Aren't you the cutest little thing. Aren't you cute? And what's your name, huh? What's your name? "Goose", cool name for a cool cat. Carol Danvers: Fury. Nick Fury: I'll be back. Oh. Let me get my fingerprint out. Just let me unravel this puppy. You sat there and watched me play with tape? When all you had to do was... Carol Danvers: I didn't want to steal your thunder. Huh. Lawson. Ha. Lawson's plan for the light-speed engine. I wonder why they terminated the project. Nick Fury: Um, maybe because she's cuckoo. Carol Danvers: Kree glyphs? Nick Fury: Hmm? Carol Danvers: Lawson is not cuckoo. She's Kree. Nick Fury: Well, she's dead. Carol Danvers: What? Nick Fury: She crashed the ASIS aircraft during an unauthorized test flight. Took a pilot down with her. That's why security here's so unfriendly. They're covering up a billion dollar mistake. Oh, and your light-speed engine is toast. Carol Danvers: When did this crash happen? Nick Fury: Six years ago. 1989. Carol Danvers: Who was the pilot? Nick Fury: Um, most of this thing's redacted but there is a testimonial here from a Maria Rambeau. Last person to see them both alive. You OK? Carol Danvers: Mm-hmm. Nick Fury: Back in a minute. Wendy Lawson: This isn't about fighting wars. It's about ending them. Carol Danvers: I know Lawson was Kree. She was here on C-53 and died in a plane crash. Do you know anything about this? Yon-Rogg: I just discovered a mission report sent from C-53. There's only so much I'm cleared to tell you Vers, but... Lawson was an undercover Kree operative named Mar-Vell. She was working on a unique energy core. Experimenting with tech that apparently could help us win the war. Director: Still here? Nick Fury: She's co-operating with the investigation sir. Director: You men stay here. I want to question her alone. Excellent work Nicholas. Carol Danvers: Does it say anything about me? Yon-Rogg: Anything about you? No, of course not. Why would it? Carol Danvers: I found evidence that I had a life here. Yon-Rogg: On C-53? Carol Danvers: Mar-Vell is who I see in the Supreme Intelligence. I knew her. And I knew her as Lawson. Yon-Rogg: This sounds like Skrull simulation Vers. Carol Danvers: No its not! 'Cause I remember I was here! Yon-Rogg: Stop! Remember your training. Know your enemy. It could be you. Do not let your emotions undermine your judgment. Nick Fury: She's on sub-level 6. I'll get off on 5, take the stairs in case she runs for it. Do a pincer move, like we did in Havana. Director: Right. Like we did in Havana. Yon-Rogg: We're nearing the jump-point. Leave your beacon on so I can find you. We'll get to the bottom of this Vers. Together. Carol Danvers: Ok. Nick Fury: Vers!... Vers! Agent: Fury's colluding with the target. Phil Coulson: Then why did he call us in? Agent: All I know is that we take him in too. Dead or alive. Phil Coulson: Dead or alive? Director: Is it something I said? Now you know, I don't really need these to see. But, they do kinda complete the look. Don't you think? Carol Danvers: You called them in? Nick Fury: My bad! Agent: Coulson, you have eyes on them? Phil Coulson: They're not down here. Let's try up there. Nick Fury: What? Carol Danvers: Your communicator. You obviously can't be trusted with it. Nick Fury: Do you know how to fly this thing? Carol Danvers: Uh... we'll see. Nick Fury: That's a yes or no question. Carol Danvers: Yes. Nick Fury: That's what I'm talking about! We've got a stowaway. Carol Danvers: Hang on Goose. Nick Fury: Who's a good kitty huh? Huh Goose? Yes, that's right. Who's a good kitty Goose? You're a good kitty. Carol Danvers: See anyone you know? Funny story... I arrived on Hala, near dead, no memory... That was six years ago. Nick Fury: So you think you're the pilot that went down with Dr Lawson. Carol Danvers: I'm saying that the last person to see them alive can probably tell us. Nick Fury: Maria Rambeau. Carol Danvers: Mmhmm. So how do we get to Louisianna? Nick Fury: Due East. Hang a right at Memphis. Carol Danvers: That agent, that stopped the Skrulls from fighting us... Nick Fury: Coulson. New guy. Guess he doesn't hate me yet. Carol Danvers: Yeah well, give him time. Nick Fury: I guess he had a feeling, went with his gut against orders. It's a really hard thing to do. That's what keeps us human. Carol Danvers: I get in trouble for that. A lot. Nick Fury: I see that about you. Rescuing the guy how sold you out to the Skrulls. I guess that's not standard Kree operating procedure. Carol Danvers: Well, I won't tell your boss if you don't tell mine. Yon-Rogg: Ronan. Ronan: The Accusors have completed their operation but the greater mission was a failure thanks to your team. Yon-Rogg: It was a trap. To lure our operative Vers to talk for her kidnapper. Ronan: Give us the location, we'll take care of the terrorist threat. Yon-Rogg: By bombing them out of the galaxy. No. We'll handle this. Ronan: Several Skrulls anywhere is a threat to Kree everywhere. Where are they? Korath: They are... Yon-Rogg: Lost. They are lost, for now. But we will find them. Ronan: Do so, or we will. Yon-Rogg: Maintain the course for C-53. Carol Danvers: Excuse me, I'm looking for Maria Rambeau. Monica Rambeau: Aunty Carol? Mom, it's Aunty Carol! I knew it, everybody said you were dead but we knew they were lying. Carol Danvers: I'm not really who you think I am. Maria Rambeau: That is the craziest shit I have ever heard. Monica Rambeau: Green-transforming aliens? There's no such thing. Nick Fury: You're absolutely right, young lady. There is no such thing. 'Cause if there were, we would want to keep that to ourselves. Carol Danvers: You don't believe me. Monica Rambeau: No way. That's so cool. Nick Fury: Oh, ho. She can do a lot more than just make tea with those hands. Monica Rambeau: Like what? Show us. Carol Danvers: Maybe later. Monica Rambeau: I kept all your stuff, I'll go get it. Carol Danvers: You want to give her a hand with that? Nick Fury: Mmm?? Maria Rambeau: You don't remember anything? Carol Danvers: I see... flashes. Little moments, but I can't tell what's real. If I could just piece together what happened that morning, maybe it'll all make sense? Maria Rambeau: You woke me up, banging on my door at dawn. Your usual move. Back then we had to get up so early, the Air Force still wasn't letting women fly combat, so testing Lawson's planes was our only shot at doing something that mattered. And you wanted to race to base, in your old Mustang, and I wasn't about to argue, 'cause I knew my Camaro would dominate. But you cheated, took a shortcut. Carol Danvers: Since when is a shortcut cheating? Maria Rambeau: Since it violates the pre-determined rules of engagement. Carol Danvers: I definitely don't remember those. Maria Rambeau: Mmm, of course you don't. When I got to the hanger, Lawson was agitated, she said 'she had lives to save'. She was trying to take the Aces up herself, but you said... Carol Danvers: 'If there were lives at stake, I would fly the plane.' Maria Rambeau: Yup. Big hero moment. The kind of moment we've both been waiting for. The Doc was always unique. That's why I liked her. But, now you're saying she's from another planet. Carol Danvers: I know this must be hard for you. Maria Rambeau: What, this part right here? No, no. Know what's hard? Losing my best friend, in a mission so secret they act like it never even happened. Hard... is knowing you were out there somewhere, too damn stubborn to die. And now you come up in here after 6 years... with your super-charged fire-hands and you expect me to call you... I don't even know what... 'Vers'? Is that really who you are now? Carol Danvers: I don't know. Monica Rambeau: Come look. This is me and you on Halloween. I'm Amelia Earhart and you're Janis Joplin. Oh, this is you when you were little, you didn't get along with your parents so Mom said we became your real family. This is us on Christmas. I got more... Here's another picture of when you were little. And this is how you right after you graduated... Oh wait. I forgot, your jacket. Mom doesn't let me wear it anymore after I spilled ketchup on it. Maria Rambeau: That was all that survived the crash. Or so we thought. Carol Danvers: Don't answer that. Maria Rambeau: It's just my neighbor. Carol Danvers: They can change into anyone. Tom: Hi there. Carol Danvers: What do you want? Tom: Ummm... Maria Rambeau: Hey Tom. This is my friend Carol. Tom: Pleased to meet you. Yow! Static electricity out here's no joke. I noted that peculiar bird you got parked by the road, and I was just wondering if you'd mind if I bring the boys over to get a closer looksie? Carol Danvers: A closer looksie? Tom: Yeah. Carol Danvers: To see the bird parked out by the road. You're really working overtime to sell this one, aren't you Talos? Maria Rambeau: I'm sorry. Tom, this isn't really a good time. I'll come by tomorrow? Okay? Tom: Uhh... Maria Rambeau: Okay. Talos: You know, you really should be kinder to your neighbors. You never know when you're gonna need to borrow some sugar. Now, hang on a second, before you go swinging those jazz hands around, making a mess in your friend's house - and... it's a lovely home. Maria Rambeau: Oh my God. What the hell?! Talos: No one's gonna hurt the girl. Just, don't kill me. That would really complicate the situation. Nick Fury: I'm about five seconds from complicating that wall with some ugly-ass Skrull brains. Talos: I'm sorry I simmed your boss. But now I stand before you as my true self. Without deception. Carol Danvers: And who is that, out there? Talos: Okay, that's a fair point. But I'm sure that you understand, I had to take some precautions. I saw you crush 20 of my best men with your hands bound. I just wanna talk. Carol Danvers: Last time we talked, I ended up hanging from my ankles. Talos: That was before I knew who you were. Before I found what made you different from the others. I have an audio recording from Pegasus, of your voice, from a plane crash six years ago. On a device I believe you call a 'black box'. Maria Rambeau: They told me it was destroyed in the crash. How'd you get it? Talos: Does she not understand? Young lady I have a special skill that kinda allows me to get into places I'm not supposed to be. Maria Rambeau: Call me young lady again, and I'm gonna put my foot in a place it's not supposed to be. Talos: Am I supposed to guess where that is? Fury And Maria: Your ass. Talos: Okay, I get it. We're all a little on edge here. But look, I just need your help decoding some coordinates. If you sit down, you listen to this, I assure you, it'll be worth your while. Carol Danvers: Call your buddy back inside and I'll listen. Talos: Deal. Oh my God! Get that thing away! How'd that get in here? Carol Danvers: The cat? This isn't what you're afraid of, is it? Talos: That's not a cat. That's a Flerken. Nick Fury: A Flerken? Monica Rambeau: Mom? Why can't I listen to? Carol Danvers: What's happening? Nick Fury: It's loading. Wendy Lawson: Punch in the coordinates. 5229, -47, 8.768, 0.2. Carol Danvers: Copy that. Where are we going Doc? Wendy Lawson: My laboratory. Carol Danvers: Your laboratory? What do you mean? Wendy Lawson: Oh no. Carol Danvers: Is that... Wait, what is that? It's not showing up on my radar. Wendy Lawson: Go Carol. Fly! Carol Danvers: That's no MIG, Lawson. Who the hell are they? Wendy Lawson: Those are the bad guys. Fly faster, now. Carol Danvers: Yes, ma'am. What do they want? Wendy Lawson: Me. My work. I never should have brought you along. Carol Danvers: Here come some G's. They're firing backward. Hold on! Bail out! Bail out! Bail out! Stay with me Lawson! Maria Rambeau: Danvers, do you copy? Carol Danvers: Yeah, I copy. We hit ground. Maria Rambeau: Can anyone hear me? Carol Danvers: Yeah. I copy! Doc? Your blood... it's blue. Wendy Lawson: Yeah, but, uh...how's my hair? Help me out. I have to destroy it before they get here. Carol Danvers: What? Lawson? Wendy Lawson: You remember what I said about our work here? What it's for? Carol Danvers: ' To end wars? Wendy Lawson: Yeah. But the wars are bigger than you know. Damn it! My name is not Lawson. My real name, is Mar-Vell and I come from a planet called Hala. Carol Danvers: I would say that your delusional but we just got shot down by a spaceship and your blood is blue. Wendy Lawson: Listen, I spent half my life fighting a shameful war. Now skedaddle before you give me any more regrets. Just remember the coordinates, okay? You've got to save them without me. Carol Danvers: Save who? How? Wendy Lawson: I've got to blow this engine before they find it. Yon-Rogg: We have no interest in hurting you. Carol Danvers: No?! Because all the shooting kinda gave me the wrong impression! Yon-Rogg: The energy core, where is it? Carol Danvers: Pararescue's on the way. You have two minutes until you're surrounded. Yon-Rogg: Then I see no reason to prolong this conversation. Carol Danvers: No wait. You mean that energy core? Minn-Erva: Commander, she's still moving. Permission to fire? Yon-Rogg: Hold your fire. Minn-Erva: There's nothing left. The core has been destroyed. Yon-Rogg: She absorbed its power. She's coming with us. Carol Danvers: He lied to me. Everything that I knew was a lie. Talos: Now you understand. Carol Danvers: What? What do I understand now? Talos: Yon-Rogg killed Mar-Vell. He killed her. Because she found out that she was on the wrong side of an unjust war. Carol Danvers: No. Your people are terrorists... that kill innocents. I saw the ruins on Torfa. Talos: Ruins that the Accusers are responsible for. My people lived as refugees on Torfa. Homeless, ever since we resisted Kree rule and they destroyed our planet. Now the handful of us that are left, will be slaughtered next...unless you will help me finish what Mar-Vell started. The coordinates you found, would've powered a lightspeed ship capable of carrying us to safety. A new home, where the Kree can't reach us. Maria Rambeau: Lawson always told us that her work at Pegasus wasn't to fight wars, but to end them. Talos: She wanted you to help us find the core. Carol Danvers: Well, I already destroyed it. Talos: No, you destroyed the engine. The core that powered it is in a remote location. If you help us decode those coordinates, we can find it. Carol Danvers: You'll use it to destroy us. Talos: We just want a home. You and I lost everything at the hands of the Kree. Can't you see it now? You're not one of them. Carol Danvers: You don't know me. You have no idea who I am. I don't even know who I am! Maria Rambeau: You are Carol Danvers. You are the woman on that black box risking her life to do the right thing. My best friend... who supported me as a mother, and a pilot when no one else did. You're smart and funny, and a huge pain in the ass. And you are the most powerful person I knew, way before you could shoot fire from your fist. You hear me? You hear me? Talos: I know I don't deserve your trust but you were our only lead. We discovered that your energy signature matched Mar-Vell's core. Now, we know why. If only you knew, the importance of it to me. I just need your help decoding the coordinates to Mar-Vell's lab. Carol Danvers: Those weren't coordinates. They're safe vectors. Nick Fury: Orbital positioning and velocity. Maria Rambeau: You didn't find her lab on Earth, because it's not on Earth. Carol Danvers: That was the location on the day of the crash six years ago. If we track its course, we'll find it, in orbit, right now. Maria Rambeau: It's just basic physics. Talos: In orbit? Was that so difficult to figure out? I mean, you're my science guy, right? Carol Danvers: Yon-Rogg will catch up to you soon. We've got to get the core before he does. Nick Fury: Mmm. You're going to space? Carol Danvers: In what? Skrull Scientist: A few tweaks to your vessel should do it. I can handle the modifications. Nick Fury: Hmm. Your science guy. Carol Danvers: Well, I could use a co-pilot. Maria Rambeau: No. No, I... I can't. I can't leave Monica. Monica Rambeau: Why? It's okay. I can stay with grandma and pop-pop. Maria Rambeau: There's no way I'm going baby. It's too dangerous. Monica Rambeau: Testing brand new aerospace tech is dangerous. Didn't you used to do that? Maria Rambeau: Your plan is to leave the atmosphere in a craft not designed for the journey, and you anticipate hostile encounters with a technologically superior foreign enemy. Correct? Monica Rambeau: That's what I'm saying. You have to go. Maria Rambeau: Monica... Monica Rambeau: You have the chance to fly the coolest mission in the history of missions. And you're gonna give it up to sit on the couch and watch Fresh Prince with me? I just think that you should consider the kind of example you're setting for your daughter. Carol Danvers: Your Mom's lucky. When they were handing out kids, they gave her the toughest one. Lieutenant Trouble. Monica Rambeau: You remember. Carol Danvers: Is that mine? No, no. You hang onto it until I come back. But there is something that I need your help with. I can't wear these Kree colors anymore, and since you're obviously the only person around here with any sense of style... Monica Rambeau: No. Uh-uh. Definitely not. Carol Danvers: Well, since we're on the same team... How do I look? Monica Rambeau: Fresh. Carol Danvers: What took you so long? Yon-Rogg: I'm fine. Thanks for asking. Carol Danvers: PRY46-B... Yon-Rogg: No, no codes. That system is fallible, as we've learned. Carol Danvers: Okay, then let's do this. Yon-Rogg: Who do I see when I commune with the Supreme Intelligence? Carol Danvers: The person you most admire and respect, I guess. But you would never tell me who. Yon-Rogg: And what is your earliest memory of Hala? Carol Danvers: The transfusion. Blue blood running through my veins. Yon-Rogg: Whose blood? Carol Danvers: Hmm. Yon-Rogg: That's my blood that's coursing through her veins. What have you done with her? Skrull: You're too late. Yon-Rogg: She knows? Ronan, Skrulls have infiltrated C-53. Come at once. Ronan: For the good of all Kree, Commander the infestation will be eradicated. Carol Danvers: Passing 500 and climbing. Talos: You know, you really shouldn't have that thing on your lap. Nick Fury: Our little alliance with you is tenuous at best. And as long as he continues to freak you out like that, yeah I'm gonna keep giving him all the love and hugs he needs, right? Maria Rambeau: Can I ask you something? Do you just turn into anything you want? Talos: Ah well, I have to see it first. Maria Rambeau: Can you all do it? Talos: Physiologically, yeah. But it takes practice and, um, dare I say it, talent to do it well. Nick Fury: Can you turn into a cat? Talos: What's a cat? Maria Rambeau: What about a filing cabinet? Talos: Why would I turn into a filing cabinet? Nick Fury: A venus fly trap. I'll give you $50 right now if you turn into a venus fly trap. Carol Danvers: Switching engines from Scramjet to fusion. Buckle up, folks. Nick Fury: Hey. Is this normal, like space turbulence? Carol Danvers: Pretty much. Locking in coordinate grid. Maria Rambeau: Where is it? Talos: It's here. It's gotta be here. Nick Fury: Well, is it in front of all that nothing, or behind it? Computer: Decloaking activated. Maria Rambeau: Is that it? The core? Carol Danvers: In her notes, she called it the Tesseract. Maria Rambeau: Whoa. What was Lawson doing with all this kid stuff? We're not alone. Soren: Talos! Carol Danvers: He didn't come here for the Tesseract. Soren: It's okay. We didn't know what to do. Mar-Vell warned us not to send a signal for any reason or the Kree would find us. Talos: You did the right thing. It's okay, it's okay. She's alright. She's a friend. Carol Danvers: I'm not gonna hurt you. Talos: She led me to you. Carol Danvers: I'm so sorry. I didn't know. Talos: Carol, this is war. My hands are filthy from it too. But we're here now. You found my family. This is just the beginning. There's thousands of us separated from each other... scattered throughout the galaxy. Nick Fury: If I played the same pinball machine for six years I'd have some high scores too. Yon-Rogg: Fraternizing with the enemy? What did you do to your uniform? Minn-Erva: They got in her head. Just like we thought. Korath: The Supreme Intelligence will set her straight. Talos: You can see they're not soldiers, let them go. You can have me. Yon-Rogg: And the core? Carol Danvers: You lied to me. Yon-Rogg: I made you a better version of yourself. What's given can be taken away. Supreme Intelligence: There she is. Seems like you time on C-53 jogged the old memory. This jacket? It's killer by the way. The music, it's a nice touch. Carol Danvers: Let... me... out. Supreme Intelligence: No can do. Carol Danvers: If you hurt them, I will burn you to the ground. Supreme Intelligence: With what exactly? Your powers came from us. Carol Danvers: You didn't give me these powers. The blast did. Supreme Intelligence: And yet, you've never had the strength to control them on your own. Scanner: Species: Flerken. Threat: High. Nick Fury: It's a cat. Not Hannibal Lecter. Scanner: Species: Human male. Threat: Low to none. Nick Fury: That thing is clearly busted. Minn-Erva: Load the Flerken onto the heli. Eject the others into space. Supreme Intelligence: You did good, ace. Thanks to you, those insidious shapeshifters will threaten our borders no more. Carol Danvers: I used to believe your lies. But the Skrulls are just fighting for a home. You're talking about destroying them because they won't submit to your rule. And neither will I. Supreme Intelligence: We found you. We embraced you as our own. Carol Danvers: You stole me. From my home, my family, my friends. Supreme Intelligence: It's cute how hard you try. Remember... without us...you're weak. You're flawed. Helpless. We saved you. Without us... you're only human. Carol Danvers: You're right. I'm only human. Supreme Intelligence: On Hala, you were reborn. Vers. Carol Danvers: My name... is Carol. Korath: She's trying to break out. Carol Danvers: I've been fighting with one arm tied behind my back. But what happens...when I'm finally set free? Nick Fury: You know you're glowing, right? Carol Danvers: I'll explain it later. Take the Tesseract, leaving the lunchbox. Nick Fury: Me? Carol Danvers: Yes. Nick Fury: I'm not touching that thing. Carol Danvers: Want me to get you an oven mitt? Get the Skrulls in the QuadJet and go. Take the Flerken with you. Maria Rambeau: What about you? Carol Danvers: I'll buy you some time! Nick Fury: I'm picking you up now. I'm trusting you not to eat me. Carol Danvers: Hey Guys. Arm-wrestle for the Tesseract. Yon-Rogg: I used to find you amusing. Let's put an end to this! Maria Rambeau: Okay. Nick Fury: Good kitty. Carol Danvers: You knew all along. Is that why we never hung out? Minn-Erva: No. I just never liked you. Kree: Hey! In a hurry? Att-Lass: Don't make me do this. Carol Danvers: Okay. Nick Fury: Now! Come on! Do your thing. Come on! Dammit, Goose. Pick a side. Kree: Take them to the hangar too. We'll blast them all into space. Talos: Play it cool. Just like Havana. Do you have the thing? Nick Fury: Flerken kitty ate it. Kree: Come on. Move. Move! Talos: Follow my lead. Cover her eyes. Get on the ship. Let's go, let's go. Yon-Rogg: Nice diversion. Carol Danvers: I could've swore, I put it in there. Yon-Rogg: Minn-Erva, take them down on a dropship. Minn-Erva: On it. Nick Fury: You all right, friend? Talos: Never... better. Maria Rambeau: We've got a bogey. Coming in hot. Nick Fury: Ha ha! Maria Rambeau: Yes! Boom! Nick Fury: What the hell was that? Ronan: Deploy ballistic warheads. Accuser: That's impossible. Ronan: C-53 doesn't have a defense system advanced enough to destroy our warheads. Accuser: That's not their defense system, Ronan. Ronan: Take her down. Return to the jump point. We'll be back for the weapon. Accuser: The core? Ronan: The woman. Yon-Rogg: I'm so proud of you. You've come a long way since I found you that day by the lake. But can you keep your emotions in check long enough to take me on? Or will it get the better of you, as always? I always told you... you'll be ready, the day you can knock me down as yourself. This is that moment. This is that moment, Vers! Turn off the light show, and prove, prove to me, you can beat me without... Carol Danvers: I have nothing to prove to you. Computer: Destination: Hala. Yon-Rogg: I can't go back empty-handed. Carol Danvers: You won't be empty-handed. I'm sending you with a message. Tell the Supreme Intelligence that I'm coming to end it. The war, the lies, all of it. Yon-Rogg: You can't do this. Nick Fury: That was a close call, huh, Goosey? Huh? The bad guy's still in there somewhere- Oh! MOTHER FLERKEN!!! Maria Rambeau: You okay? Nick Fury: Yeah. It's just a scratch. Talos: No... Carol Danvers: I can't believe you got into the raddest dogfight ever. Maria Rambeau: I'd say you arrived just in time. Nick Fury: That's some nifty flying you did out there. SHIELD could always use a good pilot like you. Maria Rambeau: I'll consider it. As long as you don't call my flying nifty again. How's your eye? Nick Fury: Getting better every second. Carol Danvers: Just so I'm clear, you were Soh-Larr, and the SHIELD agent? Nick Fury: Keller. Tied my boss up, stole his identity. Talos: I borrowed his likeness. I'm no thief. Soren: It's a little like thief. Talos: Whose side are you on? Nick Fury: You're good to go here til you recover, but you and your family will need a new look. Talos: I could go back to being your boss. Nick Fury: Please don't. Talos: Come on. I love sporting his beautiful blue eyes. Monica Rambeau: No way, you guys have the best eyes. Don't ever change your eyes. Carol Danvers: I'll help you find a home. Finish what Mar-Vell started. Monica Rambeau: They can stay here with us, can't they, Mom? Maria Rambeau: They won't be safe here, baby. Auntie Carol is right. They need their own home. Carol Danvers: I'll be back before you know it. Monica Rambeau: Maybe I can fly up and meet you halfway. Nick Fury: Only if you learn to glow, like your Auntie Carol. Monica Rambeau: Or maybe I'll build a spaceship. You don't know. Carol Danvers: He doesn't. Keep the Tesseract on Earth. Hidden. Nick Fury: You're sure that's what Marvel would want? Carol Danvers: Mar-Vell. Nick Fury: That's what I said. Carol Danvers: It's two words. Mar-Vell. Nick Fury: Mar-Vell. Marvel sounds a lot better. You know, like the Marvelettes? 𝅘𝅥𝅮 Oh, yeah, wait a minute Mr. Postman. Ay, ay, ay, ay, Mr. Postman. 𝅘𝅥𝅮 Not ringing any bells? Carol Danvers: Keep singing. Maybe it'll come back to me. I upgraded it. Range should be, a couple galaxies, at least. Nick Fury: What? You think I'm gonna crank call you? Carol Danvers: For emergencies only. Okay? Nick Fury: Well, if you're ever passing back through this galaxy, be sure to give a brother a shout. Monica Rambeau: We got the ketchup stain off. Carol Danvers: Thanks, Lieutenant Trouble. It's hard for me to say goodbye, too. Maria Rambeau: Go on. Phil Coulson: Glad to have you back, sir. This came for you. So, is it true? That the Kree burned your eye out because you refused to give them the Tesseract? Nick Fury: I'll neither confirm nor deny the facts of that story. Phil Coulson: Understood. I'm sorry to report that we still haven't found the Tesseract. Nick Fury: I'm sure it will turn up somewhere. Phil Coulson: I'll let you know when it does. Nick Fury: Then what? Phil Coulson: Sir? Nick Fury: We have no idea what other intergalactic threats are out there. And our one-woman security force had a prior commitment on the other side of the universe. SHIELD alone can't protect us. We need to find more. Phil Coulson: More weapons? Nick Fury: More heroes. Phil Coulson: You think we can find others like her? Nick Fury: We found her and we weren't even looking. Phil Coulson: Get some rest, sir. You got a big decision to make. Steve Rogers: This is a nightmare. Natasha Romanoff: I've had better nightmares. James Rhodes: Hey. So that thing just stopped doing whatever the hell it was doing. Natasha Romanoff: What have we got? Bruce Banner: Whatever the signal is sending, it finally creeped off. Steve Rogers: I thought we bypassed the battery. James Rhodes: We did. It's still plugged in, it just... it just stopped. Steve Rogers: Reboot and send the signal again. Bruce Banner: We don't even know what this is. Natasha Romanoff: Fury did. Just do it, please. You tell me the second you get a signal. I want to know who's on the other end of that thing. Carol Danvers: Where's Fury?

Michael: All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library? Jim: Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it. So... Michael: So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper? Jim: Actually, you called me in here, but yeah. Michael: All right. Well, let me show you how it's done. Michael: [on the phone] Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. [quick cut scene] All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. [hangs up] That was a woman I was talking to, so... She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so... [Clears throat] So that's the way it's done. Michael: I've, uh, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here... See we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beesly. Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam? Pam: Well. I don't know. Michael: If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. [growls] Pam: What? Michael: Any messages? Pam: Uh, yeah. Just a fax. Michael: Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate. Pam: You haven't told me. Michael: It's called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face. Michael: People say I am the best boss. They go, 'God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious.' 'And you get the best out of us.' [shows the camera his WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts. Dwight: [singing] Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum [Imitates heavy drumming] I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum [Imitates heavy drumming] Jim: My job is to speak to clients on the phone about... uh, quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them. Whether they can pay for it. And... I'm boring myself just talking about this. Michael: Whassup! Jim: Whassup! I still love that after seven years. Michael: Whassup! Dwight: Whassup! Michael: Whass...up! Dwight: Whassup. Michael: [Strains, grunts] What? Jim: Nothing. Michael: OK. All right. See you later. Jim: All right. Take care. Michael: Back to work. Jan: [on her cell phone] Just before lunch. That would be great. Michael: Corporate really doesn't really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould. [walking out of his office] Jan, hello. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But, um... Yeah. Jan: Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda? Michael: Um... Me no get an agenda. Jan: What? I'm sorry? Michael: I didn't get any agenda. Jan: Well, I faxed one over to you this morning. Michael: Really? I didn't... [looks at Pam] Did we get a fax this morning? Pam: Uh, yeah, the one... Michael: Why isn't it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't I get it? Pam: You put in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet. Michael: Yeah, that was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and... It was supposed to be with bills and it doesn't work great with faxes. Jan: Do you want to look at mine? Michael: Yeah, yeah. Lovely. Thank you. Jan: OK. Since the last meeting, Ellen and the board have decided we can't justify a Scranton branch and a Stamford branch. Michael: OK... Jan: Michael, don't panic. Michael: No, no, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is fine. Excellent. Jan: No, no, no, Michael, listen OK. Don't panic. We haven't made... We haven't decided. Michael: All the alarm bells are kind of going... ringie-dingie-ding! Jan: I've spoken to Josh in Stamford. I've told him the same as you and it's up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other. Michael: OK. No problem. Jan: This does, however, mean that there is going to be downsizing. Michael: Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing? Michael: Question. How long do we have to... [Telephone rings] Oh uh, Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it? Jan: Go ahead. Michel: Packman. Todd Packer: Hey, you big queen. Michael: Oh, that's not appropriate. Todd Packer: Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today? Michael: Uh, I don't know what you mean. Todd Packer: I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes? Michael: Oh, my God! Oh! That's... horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person. Jan: So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I don't want to worry people unnecessarily. Michael: No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. [zips his lips] Like that. Phyllis: So what does downsizing actually mean? Stanley: Well... Oscar: You guys better update your resumes just like I'm doing. Angela: I bet it's gonna be me. Probably gonna be me. Kevin: Yeah, it'll be you. Pam: I have an important question for you. Jim: Yes? Pam: Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday? Jim: Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous. Michael: Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer. Michael: Hey. Ryan: Hey. Pam: This is Mr. Scott. Michael: Guilty! Guilty as charged! Ryan: Ryan Howard from the temp agency. Daniqua sent me down to start today. Michael: Howard, like Moe Howard. Three Stooges. Ryan: Yup. Michael: Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee! [hold hand up for a high five] Ah, right here. Three Stooges. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. I'm sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm Hitler. Adolf Hitler. [Continues with cod German] Pam: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might... I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist. I like to do illustrations. Um... Mostly watercolor. A few oil pencil. Um, Jim thinks they're good. Pam: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Jim: Sure. Mr. Davis, let me call you right back. Yeah, something just came up. Two minutes. Thank you very much. Dwight, what are you doing? Dwight: What? Jim: What are you doing? Dwight: Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate. Jim: It's not on your desk. Dwight: It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation. Dwight: You can't do that. Jim: Why not? Dwight: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ. Jim: [crosses fingers] We'll see. [Dwight begins smashing pencils with his phone] This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me. Dwight: Downsizing? Dwight: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on. Pam: You just still have these messages from yesterday. Michael: Relax. Everything's under control. Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's important. Right. Oh this is so important, I should run to answer it. [Imitating Six-Million Dollar Man sound effect] Pam: What? Michael: Come on. Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan. I deserve a raise. Pam: Don't we all? Michael: I'm sorry? Pam: Nothing. Michael: If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. OK. Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional. [Sighs] Michael: I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect. [Imitating a PA] Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP. Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words. It's really incalculable. Michael: Now I know there's some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight. Dwight: I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first. Michael: Assistant to the Regional Manager. Dwight: OK, um, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear? Michael: I'm about to tell everybody. I'm just about to tell everybody. Oscar: Can't you just tell us. Dwight: Please, OK? Do you want me to tell 'em? Michael: You don't know what it is. [Laughs] Dwight: OK. You tell 'em. With my permission. Permission granted. Michael: I don't need your permission. Dwight: Go ahead. Michael: Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch. Ryan: I heard they might be closing this branch down. That's just the rumor going around. This is my first day. I don't really know. Oscar: Yeah but Michael, what if they downsize here? Michael: Not gonna happen. Stanley: It could be out of your hands Michael. Michael: It won't be out of my hands Stanley, OK. I promise you that. Stanley: Can you promise that? Dwight: On his mother's grave. Michael: No. Phyllis: What? Michael: Well, yeah, it is a promise. And frankly, I'm a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it. Stanley: It's just that we need to know. Michael: I know. Hold on a second. I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam, you had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then. Pam: I was in the meeting with Jan and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe. Man: Are you sure about that? Michael: Well, Pam maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings. Dwight: Pam, information is power. Stanley: You can't say for sure whether it'll be us or them, can you? Michael: No, Stanley. No, you did not see me in there with her. I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me. Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin. Jim: If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry. Pam: Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me. Um... [Laughs] Michael: Watch out for this guy. Dwight Schrute in the building. This is Ryan, the new temp. Ryan: What's up? Nice to meet you. Michael: Introduce yourself. Be polite. Dwight: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. Michael: Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwight tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything. Dwight: Uh... yeah I got a '78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200. Fixed it up. It's now worth three grand. Michael: That's his profit. Dwight: New engine, new suspension, I got a respray. I've got some photos. Dwight: Damn it! Jim! Michael: OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here? Dwight: He put my stuff in Jell-O again. Pam: [Laughing] Dwight: That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim. Dwight: It's OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules. Michael: What is that? Dwight: That is my stapler. Michael: No, no, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world [turns to camera] which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food. Dwight: OK you know what, you can be a witness. [points to Ryan] Can you reprimand him? Jim: How do you know it was me? Dwight: It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not? Michael: Discipline. Kinky! [Laughs] All right, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop. Dwight: Yeah. Michael: And yeah, Jim this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O. Jim: OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan. Michael: [Laughing] Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round. Ryan: You should've put him in custardy. Michael: Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores. Dwight: OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all. Michael: Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do. Jim: Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink? Pam: Yeah. Jim: That's why we're all going out. So we can have an end-of-the-week-drink. Pam: So when are we going out? Jim: Tonight, hopefully. Pam: OK. Yeah. Roy: Hey, man. Jim: What's going on? Roy: Hey, baby. Pam: Hey. Pam: Roy's my fiance. We've been engaged about three years. We were supposed to get married in September but I think we're gonna get married in the spring. Pam: Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys? Roy: No, no. Come on. Let's get out of here and go home. Pam: OK. I'm gonna be a few minutes. So it's only twenty past five. I still have to do my faxes. Jim: You know what? You should come with us. Because you know we're all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office. I think it could be fun. Roy: It sounds good. Seriously, we've gotta get going. Jim: Yeah, yeah. Jim: Um... What's in the bag? Roy: Just tell her I'll talk to her later. Jim: No, definitely. All right, dude. Awesome. Will do. Jim: Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding? [scratches head] Michael: So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. Right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third. [Knock at door] Just a second. Right? Oh, hey do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk'd and all that kind of stuff? Ryan: Yeah. Michael: You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it, OK? Ryan: All right. Michael: Just follow my lead. Don't pimp me, all right? Come in. So, uh, Corporate just said that I don't want to... Pam: You got a fax. Michael: Oh, thank you. Pam, can you come in here for a sec. Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway. You know Ryan. As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first. Pam: What? Why? Michael: Why? Well, theft and stealing. Pam: Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen? Michael: Post-it Notes. Pam: Post-it Notes? What are those worth, 50 cents? Michael: 50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know, you've made a profit... margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pam. Pam: Are you serious? Michael: Yeah. I am. Pam: I can't believe this. I mean I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and you're firing me. Michael: But the best thing about it is that we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and... Just clean out your desk. I'm sorry. Michael: [Pam starts crying] You been X'd punk! [Laughing] Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you... God, we totally got you. Pam: You're a jerk. Michael: I don't know about that. Michael: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, 'Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?' Wow. Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked. Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Jim: How are things? Pam: Good. I thought you were going out for a drink with... Jim: Oh no, I just decided not to. How's your headache? Pam: It's better, thanks. Jim: Good. Good. Pam: Yeah. Jim: That's great Pam: Is...? Jim: Yeah? Pam: Um... Are you... Jim: Am I walking out? Pam: Yes. Jim: Yes, I... Do you want to... Pam: Yeah. Jim: Great. Let me just... Jim: [Car horn honking] Oh, Roy. Pam: Yeah. Listen, have a nice weekend. Jim: Yeah, definitely. You too. Enjoy it. [looks at camera] You know what, just come here. Dwight: Dwight Schrute. My father's name, also Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name, Dweide Schrude, Amish. That's my family. I don't know where they came, the Amish, came from originally. Uh, Amland. Michael: [holding up a Dundie and pretending it is talking] Hello. I'm Michael Scott. I'm the best boss in the world. Jim: My name is Jim Halpert and I am a sales rep, which is a very important job. Um, without me dozens literally dozens of small businesses would go paperless. They would have to write on their hands, or bed sheets, or who knows you know. Total chaos, total chaos. I mean or they could get their paper somewhere else. Staples maybe. I don't know. Michael: Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam? Pam: I guess. Michael: Yeah, at one time or another every guy in the office has sprayed on Pam. Pam: What? Michael: Messages? Dwight: People respond to the human touch and that's what I give them. I can look at a client and I can say, 'Hello, how are you? How's business been going?' And we can go back and forth for sometime and uh, then I'll say, How much, how many reams do you want?' And they'll order it and then I'll take care of all the sales. I'll make sure that they get that paper. And they appreciate that. Michael: Ah, right here. Three Stooges. High five. [Michael and Ryan high five] Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. [camera cuts to Pam then back to Michael] Now, who was the one before Curly? Ryan: Uh, Shemp. Michael: Curly? Very good. Curly Joe DeRita. Ryan: Just Curly. Joe DeRita was different. Michael: Well, comedy's kinda my thing. Watch this, here's Curly Joe. Mmm. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, I forgot. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm Hitler. Right. [Continues with cod German] Me, me, me, me, me, me. Curly Joe Hitler. [laughs] Michael: All these people are walking around and they're happy and their lives are just going along, ignorance is bliss. But if they knew what was lurking on the other side of that fence that furry monster. [imitating monster] 'I'm gonna get you, downsizing.' No. They wouldn't... They'd freak. And I'm not going to play God. They look to me for support. And they look to me for guidance and leadership. And I think if I could lie to them and it serves them, then that's what I'm going to do. Michael: So this is our sales staff. They are the ones who are making calls and making us lots of money. [comes to a screeching halt and laughs] This is accounting. The numbers dudes. Do not let the job description fool you, they are all completely crazy. Especially that guy, he is a mental patient. [camera zooms in on Kevin] Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. The last place you'd want somebody like that is accounting. [hides behind office plant] 'Very interesting, but stupid.' Artie Johnson. It's a crazy place. Angela: My name is Angela and um, I'm in charge of the accounting department. There are three of us, Kevin and Oscar. Oscar: It's my job to keep the books in order. And, um, I... I'm, uh, immediately below my supervisor. Angela: Oscar, how do I describe him. He's like a stapler. Do I need a stapler? Yes. But, I'm still the one that has to push it down. Oscar: There's a lot of anxiety. I don't want to get laid off. This place is like five minutes from my house. Kevin: I don't wanna be laid off. This is a good job for me. 'Cause I need my nights free. I'm in a band. Angela: Not very worried about downsizing right now. Because, uh, I think you've met Kevin and um... Oscar: Can I just say one thing? Um, my friend is Jewish, Art Geller. And a couple of years ago he, um, showed me how you can plant a tree in Israel, so I planted a tree. So... You know 'cause... Yeah we work in paper. Well, you know, I try to give back. Angela: I have a lot of cat figurines on my desk. I think cats, really, are old souls. And, uh, Phyllis thinks so too. Michael: What you don't know... Well, it can hurt you, but if you don't know it won't hurt you. Then, you can just be happy for a little while at least. Michael: What's that? Pam: Wired. Michael: Oh, John Belushi. What a crazy guy. Phew, freaked myself out this morning. Pam: Oh, yeah. Michael: Yeah. I thought I found a lump. I checked the, uh... I check the jewels every month. This time... You know, it's a little different. It was fine. It was fine. But freaky, man, you know. Testicular cancer, God. Cancer, whoa testicles. So... What's, um... What you eating? Pam: Smoked turkey. Michael: Oh, place around the corner. Nice. All right. See you later. Michael: Do I need to speak up? [grabs boom microphone] Hello. Documentary Crew Member: [boom microphone drops into the camera shoot] Can you move it out? Can you move it? Is that all right? Can you make that work? Dwight: That's fine. Documentary Crew Member: [new take] No, you don't even need ... That's fine. We'll keep it... Dwight: I'm sorry it makes me nervous. Documentary Crew Member: Understood, but it is what we need to capture what you're saying as clearly as possible. Dwight: I understand. It's in a blind spot because I'm trained in several martial arts and one of them, uh, includes, uh, an awareness that the masters bring, uh, of anything on all sides of you. It could be behind you or whatever. This is directly in a blind spot, so I'm trained to respond negatively to something right above my head. [new take] This now I have an eye on. You see, it's on my periphery and if I needed to block it, attack it, stop it somehow. [does a martial arts move with his hands] I could come right out. I mean, I know you're doing your job, but... Documentary Crew Member: [talking over Dwight] It's... Dwight: I'm doing my job. Michael: I think better to be a happy idiot then a, um... Then someone who knows the truth.

Michael: Hey, uh, can I help you out in here? Mr. Brown: Oh, I'm all set, thanks. Michael: Gotcha. Good. I'd go with the rows. That's a good idea. Michael: Today is diversity day and someone's going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It's something that I've been pushing, that I've been wanting to push, for a long time and Corporate mandated it. And I never actually talked to Corporate about it. They kind of beat me to the punch, the bastards. But I was going to. And I think it's very important that we have this. I'm very, very excited. Jim: That's the thing. It's very sturdy paper and on the back it says, '100% post-consumer content.' What? Hello? Uh-huh. Wait. What? I'm sorry, Mr. Decker. I think I'm losing you. [Shedder whirring] Hello? Hello? Yeah. Hold on one second. I don't know. Hold on one second. Jim: Do you really have to do that right now? Dwight: Yes I do. I should have done it weeks ago actually. Jim: Mr. Decker, I'm sorry about that. What were you... Can you hold on one second? Yeah, just one second. Thanks. [Power off, silence] Hello? That's it. Perfect. So what I was saying... [Dialing tone] Hello? Thanks, Dwight. Dwight: Retaliation. Tit for tit. Jim: That is not the expression. Dwight: Well, it should be. Jim: This is my biggest sale of the year. They love me over there for some reason. I'm not really sure why but I make one call over there every year, just to renew their account, and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year, so I buy a mini bottle of champagne, celebrate a little. And this year I'm pushing recycled paper on them for one percent more. I know. I'm getting cocky. Right? Jim: Solitaire? Pam: Yeah, Freecell. Jim: Six on seven. Pam: I know. I saw that. Jim: So then, why didn't you do it? Pam: I'm saving that 'cause I like it when the cards go T-ts-ts-tch-tch-tch. Jim: Who doesn't love that? Michael: Hey, Oscar! How are you doing, man? Oscar: All right. Michael: Did you have a good weekend going there? Oscar: It was fine. Michael: Oh yeah, I bet it was fun. [to Mr. Brown] Oh, hey! This is Oscar- Oscar: Martinez. Michael: Right. See? I don't even know, first-name basis! Mr. Brown: Great. We're all set. Michael: Oh hey, well, diversity, everybody, let's do it. Oscar works in... here. Jim, could you wrap it up, please? Jim: Yeah, uh, Mr. Decker, please. Michael: It's diversity day, Jim. I wish every day was diversity day. Jim: You know what? I'm actually going to have to call you back. Thank you. Sorry about that. Mr. Brown: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Great. Michael: Come on people, let's get 'em in. Get in the cards! Get in the cards! Mr. Brown: Thank you. Thank you very much. OK. Thanks for filling these out and I promise this'll be quick. At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations. We believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance. Michael: You know what? This is a color-free-zone here. Stanley, I don't look at you as another race. Mr. Brown: Uh, see this is what I'm talking about. We don't have to pretend we're color-blind. Michael: Exactly, were not... Mr. Brown: That's fighting ignorance with more ignorance. Michael: With tolerance. Mr. Brown: No. With more ignorance. Michael: Ignorance. Mr. Brown: Right. Exactly. Uh, instead, we need to celebrate our diversity. Michael: Let's celebrate. Mr. Brown: Right. OK. Michael: Celebrate good times. Come on! Let's celebrate diversity. Right? Mr. Brown: Yes, exactly. Now here's what we're going to do. I've noticed that... Michael: You know what? Here's what we're going to do. Why don't we go around and everybody... everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go. Dwight: I have two. White and Indian. Mr. Brown: Actually, I'd prefer not to start that way. Michael, I would love to have your permission to run this session. Can I have your permission? Michael: Yes. Mr. Brown: Thank you very much. And it would also help me if you were seated. Michael: OK. Mr. Brown: Thank you. OK. Now, at the start of the session, I had you all write down an incident that you found offensive in the workplace. Now, what I'm going to do is choose one and we're going to act it out. Dwight: A few of the ground rules? Michael: Hey, hey why don't you run it by me and I'll run it by him. Dwight: OK, can we steer away from gay people? Mr. Brown: Um... Dwight: I'm sorry. It's an orientation. It's not a race. Plus a lot of other races are intolerant of gays, so...paradox. Mr. Brown: Well, we only have an hour. Dwight: I figured it would save time. Michael: OK. Why don't we just defer to Mr... Mr. Brown: Mr. Brown. Michael: Ah. Oh, right! OK. First test. I will not call you that. Mr. Brown: Well, it's my name. It's not a test. OK? Um, so looking through the cards, I've noticed that many of you wrote down the same incident, which is ironic, because it's the exact incident I was brought in here to respond to. Now, how many of you are familiar with the Chris Rock routine? Very good. OK. Michael: How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black? Mr. Brown: So we're going to reenact this with a more positive outcome. Michael: I will play the Chris Rock guy. I would like to see someone else pull this off. Mr. Brown: Well, let's have someone who wasn't involved in the reenactment. Michael: OK, I will play guy listening. Mr. Brown: Great. Guy listening. Ok, anyone else remember? Kevin: I remember. Mr. Brown: Great. You're the Chris Rock guy and you're guy listening. Michael: OK. Michael: Kevin is a great guy. He's a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer. Kevin: Basically, there are two types of black people and black people are actually more racist because they hate the other type of black people. Every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess. Michael: OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's ruin... He's butchering it. Could you just let me... [As Chris Rock] Every time... Every time black people want to have a good time, some ignant ass... [Bleep] I take care of my kid! Mr. Brown: Wait a second. Michael: [Bleep] They always want credit for something they supPOSED to do! Mr. Brown: Stop it! Michael: [As Chris Rock] What you want a cookie? Mr. Brown: Now, this is a simple acronym. HERO. Uh, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness. Dwight: Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero. Mr. Brown: Oh, great. Well, what is a hero to you? Dwight: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. Mr. Brown: OK. Dwight: A hero is part-human and part-supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster that must be avenged. Mr. Brown: Ok, you're thinking of a superhero. Dwight: We all have a hero in our heart. Mr. Brown: Now, I need you to take these forms. This kind of expresses the joint experience we had today. And I need you to look 'em over and sign them as kind of a group pledge. Michael: [Clears throat] I don't think I can sign this. Mr. Brown: I can't leave until you do. Michael: Well, OK, it says here that I learned something and I knew all this stuff already, so... I know, I could sign something that says that I taught something, or that I helped you teach something, so... Pam! Where is she? Pam, could we change something on this? Mr. Brown: Michael, can I talk to you candidly? Michael: Sure. Mr. Brown: We both know that I'm here because of the comments you made. Michael: Here's the thing. This office, I think this is very advanced in terms of... racial awareness and it's probably more advanced than you're used to. That's probably throwing you off a little bit. Mr. Brown: Um, it's not throwing me. I need your signature. Michael: OK, well I know. You told me that several times. Mr. Brown: Yes, but you're not listening to me. Yours is the only signature I need. Michael: OK. Mr. Brown: Those are my instructions from the Corporate offices to put you through this seminar for the comments that you made. The reason I made copies for everyone was so you wouldn't be embarrassed. Michael: Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training. And you don't. Mr. Brown: Don't worry about dating. Michael: I won't. Mr. Brown: OK. Thank you. Michael: Yeah, yeah. Michael: I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness...' Open-mindedness, is that even a word? '...into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck.' [Laughing] He's going to lose it when he reads that. Jim: Yeah, hi. Is Mr. Decker around? Oh, well, could you just have him call me after lunch? Thank you. Michael: I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart.' I do believe... in that part of the pledge I that just read. But a pledge? Come on. I mean who are we, the Girl Scouts? No. Look... the guy, 'Mr. Brown,' he got us halfway there. He got us talking. Well, no. I got us talking. He got us nothing. He insulted us and he abandoned us. You call that diversity training? I don't. Were there any connections between any of us? Did anyone look each other in the eye? Was there any emotion going on? No. Where was the heart? I didn't see any heart. Where was my Oprah moment? OK, get as much done as you can before lunch because, afterward, I'm going to have you all in tears. Michael: All right? Everybody pretty? Come on. Here we go. It's time. Let's do some good. Toby: Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style are we? [Laughing] Michael: Get out. Toby: I'm sorry. Michael: No, this is not a joke. OK? That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here. OK, let's go. Let's do it. Come on. Let's have some fun, everybody. Here we go. Take a seat. Cop a squat. And um... thanks for coming in. Um... Diversity... is the cornerstone of progress as I've always said. But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look at the tape. Michael: [on the tape] Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North.' And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace. Michael: OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim? Jim: : Uh, is that it? Michael: Yes. I only had an hour to put it together but I'm going to add on to it later on. Kevin: It was kind of hard to hear. Michael: Uh, yes. That probably had something to do with the camera work. Anybody else? Um... Kelly: I have a customer meeting. Michael: Yeah, well, if you leave we'll only have two left. Yes. Enjoy. Absolutely. Namaste. Ok, well since I am leading this, let's get down to business and why don't I just kind of introduce myself, OK? Um. I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, German and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations. But what some of you might not know is that I am also part Native American Indian. Oscar: What part Native American? Michael: Two fifteenths. Oscar: Two fifteenths, that fraction doesn't make any sense. Michael: Well, you know what, it's kind of hard for me to talk about it. Their suffering. So who else? Let's get this popping. Come on. Who's going? Who's going? Let's go here. Oscar, right here. You're on. Oscar: OK, Michael, um... Both my parents were born in Mexico. Michael: Oh, yeah... Oscar: And, uh, they moved to the United Sates a year before I was born. So I grew up in the United States. Michael: Wow. Oscar: My parents were Mexican. Michael: Wow. That is... That is a great story. That's the American Dream right there, right? Oscar: Thank... Yeah... Michael: Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive? Oscar: Mexican isn't offensive. Michael: Well, it has certain connotations. Oscar: Like what? Michael: Like... I don't... I don't know. Oscar: What connotations, Michael? You meant something. Michael: No. Now, remember that honesty... Oscar: I'm just curious. Michael: ...empathy, respect... [Phone ringing] Jim! Jim! Jim: Hello? Hello? Michael: I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore... Don't look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and... Take a card, take a card, any card. Um... And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. OK? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, so... I want you to really go for it, cause this is real. You know, this isn't just an exercise. This is real life. And... I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get 'er done. Michael: Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I'm not going to do it but it's... Michael: Oh this is a good one. Pam: Um, hi. How are you? Stanley: Fine. How are you? Pam: Great. Michael: Push it. Stanley: I admire your culture's success in America. Pam: Thank you. Michael: Good. Bom bom bom-bom bom. Come on Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on. Stanley: Who am I supposed to be? Michael: No, that was inadvertent. We didn't actually plan that. Dwight: Lots of cultures eat rice, doesn't help me. Dwight: Um... Shalom. I'd like to apply for a loan. Pam: That's nice, Dwight. Dwight: OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick. Pam: OK, I like your food. Dwight: Outback steakhouse. [Australian accent] I'm Australian, mate! Michael: Pam, come on. 'I like your food.' Come on stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it. Let's get ugly. Let's get real. Pam: OK. If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver. Dwight: Oh, man, am I a woman? Michael: You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just though. 'Too soon for Arabs.' Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court. Jim: What are you watching? Ryan: Chappelle's Show. Jim: Really? Ryan: I downloaded it on her computer. I hope she doesn't mind. She just had a lot of extra space. Jim: No way. I think she likes this stuff. Ryan: Great. She's cute, huh? Jim: Yeah, you know, she's engaged, but... Ryan: Oh, no, the girl in the... sketch. Jim: Oh, yeah. She's hot. Kevin: Hey. Angela: Hey. Kevin: You wanna go to the beach? Angela: Sure. Kevin: You wanna get high? Angela: No. Kevin: I think you do, mon. Angela: Stop... Michael: OK. All right. No. It's good. You just need to push it. You need to go a little bit further. All right. OK. Michael: [Voice raised, Indian accent] Kelly, how are you? Kelly: I just had the longest meeting. Michael: Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi, googi, only 99 cents plus tax. Try my googi, googi. [Lowering voice] Try my googi, googi. [High-pitched voice] Try my googi, googi. Try my... [slap!] Michael: [trying not to cry] All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Now she knows what it's like to be a minority. Jim: [on the phone] Mr. Decker, we didn't lose your sale today, did we? Excellent. OK. Let me just get your... what's that? No, we didn't close last time. I just need your... Oh. W-What code were you given? Oh, OK. That's actually another salesman here. I can redo it if you want to do that. Oh, he gave you a discount? No, I don't blame you. Michael: I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown, if that was his real name. I mean, he had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our thing. I just wanted... I just wanted to do it our way. You know? On our own. Man I should have gotten some food. Kevin: [Itialian accent]Maybe some spagh-etti. Michael: Okay, Kevin. You can take that off that thing, OK? That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it? If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens. Or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai. Stanley: It's collard greens. Michael: What? Stanley: It's collard greens. Michael: That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive. Hmmm... OK, well, it's after five. So... Thank you very much. Buena vista Oscar. Thank you. Good job. Oh, my man. Thank you Brazil. Nice. Jim: [Pam is asleep, resting her head on Jim's shoulder] Um... Hey. Pam: [stirs] Mmmm. Jim: Hey. Pam: Oh. Jim: We can go. Pam: Sorry. Jim: That's fine. Jim: Uh... Not a bad day. Mr. Brown: Thanks for filling these out. I promise this will be quick. We only have about an hour. Michael: Yeah. I would like to see us erase 100 years of racism in an hour. Mr. Brown: Does this company have 100 years to erase? Michael: No, the country. Mr. Brown: Oh right, more like 200 years. Michael: Yeah, more like a 1,000. Mr. Brown: Okay, um. Uh, I'll try to make this quick. Dwight: I am a salesman, okay. And I don't think we should be doing this during prime sales hours. If you can prove to me that diversity is going to help my sales, I'll go elephant running with James Earl Jones. I really will, but not on spec. Mr. Brown: HERO, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness. Michael: I just think that HERO? It's cute, but it's... It's empty, you know? It's easy. Dwight, you know what, I came up with some terms of my own. Could you put these on the board? The first one is Inclusion, New Attitudes, Color-blind... Mr. Brown: Oh, nice. Michael: Expectations... Mr. Brown: Good. Michael: Thank you. Sharing... Mr. Brown: Great. Michael: And tolerance. Mr. Brown: Beautiful. Pam: Um, that spells incest. Mr. Brown: Oh, my sorry. That is not appropriate. Michael: Well, it's not ideal but you have to give me some credit 'cause I made it into a word. Mr. Brown: Yeah, but it's not appropriate. This is not helpful as a memory aid. Michael: I will give you a number of reasons why it is, actually. Okay, first, incest is bad. Racism is bad. No brainer, right? Two, incest. We're all a family, right? We're all brothers and sisters. Racial message? Um? Number three, and this is a fact. The states where they have a lot of racism are the states where they have a lot of incest. Okay? And finally... Mr. Brown: Okay, Michael, I just... Michael: No, no, no, no, wait. Final one, final one this is important. The more we can encourage interracial dating as a society the further away we get from incest, literally. Pam: It would've been just as easy for him to spell insect. Of course, that wouldn't have made any sense either. Mr. Brown: Does anyone have anything else at all? Anyone besides Michael? Ryan: I have something. Mr. Brown: Yes, please. Ryan: Um, well I grew up here in Scranton and when I was a kid the guy who lived next door was a former baseball player, who actually played pro ball before the leagues were integrated. And he had the most incredible stories about... Michael: Okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry this guy's a temp and I should've told you that. Mr. Brown: No, no, no, no. An outsider's perspective would probably be pretty helpful. Michael: Yeah, but no, seriously. Uh, you know, he's not a member of the full staff so, uh, Ryan you wanna just step outside? Ryan: What do you want me to do? Michael: Well, maybe you should go down to the parking lot. You know what. Yes, go down to the parking lot and check to se if any of our guests have parked in the handicapped spots. Cool? 'Cause the handicaps get a raw deal. Oh, you know what. That ties right into New Attitudes. New attitudes about handicap people. Very important. Mr. Brown: I'm sorry, Michael. We're actually out of time. Pam: Yeah, um, there's good things about Michael. He uh, uh... Yeah, definitely. Um... Michael: In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck.' [laughing] He's going to lose it when he reads that. Doh! Hogan! Not again, Hogan! Get Col. Burkhalter on the phone! [laughing] I'm kind of a Hogan around here. And kind of, Jan is kind of Col. Burkhalter, then Dwight is Schultz. But, it's... Oh, God. We have fun. We have fun. 'Cause he's gonna be pissed. [making voice] No doubt about it. Dwight: What you doing? Jim: Freecell. Dwight: Solitaire is a one-player game. It can't have two players. Jim: Well, I mean. Dwight: What's your win rate? Pam: Seventy-six percent. What's yours? Dwight: You're not allowed to play two-player. You need to start over. Pam: You're doing fine. Michael: Are we going? [Dwight puts four fingers in front of the camera to start a countdown] Don't do that. Just say action when we're ready. Dwight: Dunder Mifflin, Michael Scott, Diversity Tomorrow, take four. And action. Michael: [mumbling] Should I... turn, no. Do it again. Dwight: Diversity Tomorrow, take five. Action. Michael: Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North.' And those are the principles... Damn it. Okay, sorry. Don't laugh; please don't laugh this time Dwight. You're... it's, it's bugging me. Let me give myself a countdown, ready? Three, two, one. Dwight: Take six. Michael: Just let me do it! God! Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton... Keep the camera steady please! People are gonna get sea sick watching this. Ready? Three, two, one. Dwight: Action. Michael: Don't. Please don't say anything. [sighs] Oh, God. Dwight: And action... Lights, camera, action. Whenever you're ready. Michael: Could I count myself down please, Dwight. Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North.' And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace. Dwight: Cut. Michael: [wandering around the room during his diversity exercise] I want you to push it. I want you to push 'cause breakthroughs are right around the corner. Something's going to pop here. Something's going to pop between a party. Feel what it's like to be in someone else's skin. What does it feel like to be a different race? It feels pretty bad doesn't it. So let that come out. Michael: Yeah, I marched on Washington back in the day. I went to the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial, U.S. Mint, congressman talked to our class. It was pretty cool. Michael: Talk like you're talking to that race. I have a feeling that this could get kind of volatile. So keep it going. [camera shows Devon sitting outside with West Nile] Jim: Um, what's going on here? Pam: People treat us like the race on our forehead. And then we guess what race we are. Jim: Ah, good. Good luck. Doing good. [goes to the index cards and writes another race down] Dwight: Oh, man, am I a woman? Jim: Yes, yes. Dwight: God! Jim: How embarrassing is it? That's not fair. Here... Dwight: It's not fair. Jim: Try this. [takes Dwight's 'Asian' race and switches it with the one he wrote] Dwight: Thank you. Thank you very much. Jim: Go get 'em. Dwight: Good. [clears throat] So, am I a hunter gather culture? Pam: No. Dwight: Do I live near a harbor or an ocean? Pam: No. Dwight: No, I'm an inland. Am I a mountainous? Pam: No. Dwight: Am I nomadic? Pam: No. Dwight: Okay, okay, okay, okay. I think I got this. Um, I am treated in a foreign way with a great deal of prejudice. Am I one of those tribes in Africa? The piggies, or whatever? Pam: No. Dwight: No. But I am, I am human, right? [Pam hesitates] Dwight: [Dwight's new race is 'Dwight'] I could be French. Dwight: [takes his 'Dwight' race off his forehead] Damn it, Jim! That's not funny, Jim! Michael: Oh, okay. Here we go, breakthrough radar. What happened? What happened here? Pam: It didn't have anything to do with race. Michael: Okay, all right. Let's keep on track. Keep on point. Let's do it. Pam: One time we had an ethnic festival in Scranton. One time. Michael: Try my googi, googi. [Lowering voice] Try my googi, googi. [High-pitched voice] Try my googi, googi. Try my... [Kelly slaps Michael] All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Kelly thank you. [claps] She's not here, but she gets it. That's what we have been looking for. The whole time. [trying not to cry] Oh, man. This is what I thrive on. You know? It's like Don Rickles on acid, man. Right? Jim: Um, why did she slap Martin Luther King? Michael: What, huh? Pam: What card was she? Jim: I think she wasn't wearing a card. Michael: It's good. This is good. We got it happening now. All right? Let's keep it rolling. Let's round it up.

Michael: Pam. Pamela. Pam-elama-ding-dong. Making copies. Pam: I'm not making any copies. Michael: Let's go. Messages. Stat. Lots to do, lots to do. Information superhighway. Pam: Nothing new. Michael: Lay them on me. What? Pam: There's nothing new. Michael: That's not what you said earlier. Pam: Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the... [nods toward camera] Michael: The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist. Jan: So, which health plan have you decided on? Michael: I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, you know, the works. Jan: Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely Michael? Michael: I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan. Jan: The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan. Michael: Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good. Jan: Michael. Michael: You gotta crack these things open. Jan: You know the whole reason that we're doing this, is to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan. Michael: Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um... It won't be popular decision around the old orifice. Jan: It's your job. So... Michael: Well, it's a suicide mission, you know. Jan: Michael... maybe... I mean... Michael: There, there... Jan: Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time. Michael: [scoffs] When have you ever done that? Jan: I'm doing it right now. To you. Jim: Last night on Trading Spouses, there's... have you seen it? Pam: No. I have a life. Jim: Interesting, what's that like? Pam: You should try it sometime. Jim: Wow. But then who would watch my TV? That is... Pam: [laughs]... your problem. Michael: Jimbo! Ha haaaaa. Ah. Michael: There's a decision that needs to be made, and I'm having an unbelievably a busy day. So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers. Jim: Gosh. Michael: Yeah! Jim: That is a great offer. Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales. Michael: Really? Jim: Yeah. I just don't think this is the kind of task, that I... am going to do. You know who would be great for this? Jim: Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it. Dwight: Yes. I can do it. I'm your man. Jim: Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train. Dwight: OK, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire? Michael: Ah, none. You're picking a health care plan. Dwight: OK, we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'll need an office. I think the conference room should be fine. Michael: You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace. Dwight: [to self] Yes, I have an office. [to camera] Bigger than his. Michael: Nope, you cannot use it. Dwight: OK, I take it back, it's a workspace. Michael: Temporary workspace. You can use it. Dwight: Thank you. Michael: If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already. Dwight: What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people. Dwight: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead. Stanley: There's no dental, there's no vision, there's a $1,200 deductible. Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Michael: [on phone] Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks? Pam: Where are you? Michael: Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped. I have work up to my ears I'm busy, busy, busy. Can't step away. I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. Everybody cool out there? Pam: Actually, people are really unhappy. Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out 'cause the... Michael: Pam! Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I, I, I, I gotta go. I'm getting a call. Pam: No you're not. Michael: I have to make a call after I finish... my work. You know what? Uh, just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce? Pam: OK. Michael: Thank you, Oh, gah, here we go again. Gotta go, I have to take this. Pam: Still no one calling. Pam: Dwight, what... Dwight: Uh, knock, please. Please knock. This is an office. Jim: It says 'workspace'. Dwight: Same thing. Jim: If it's the same thing, then why did you write 'workspace'? Dwight: Just knock, Please? As a sign of respect for your superior. Jim: You are not my superior. Dwight: Oh gee, then why do I have an office? Jim: I thought it was a workspace? Pam: OK. Dwight. Are you really in charge of picking the health care plan? Dwight: Yes. And my decision in final. Pam: This is a ridiculously awful plan. Because you cut everything. Dwight: Aww, times are tough, Pam. Deal with it. Jim: You cut more than you had to, didn't you? Dwight: Sure. Jim: Well, why did you do that? You work here, don't you want good insurance? Dwight: Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system. Jim: OK, well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies. Dwight: I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will. Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol? Dwight: So I can lower it. Oscar: He literally won't come out of his office. Kevin: He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom. Angela: Kevin! That's inappropriate. Oscar: Michael, can I talk to you? Michael: Ah, uh, I would love to, but I am really busy. Rain check? Meredith: Michael. Michael, please, can we talk to you about this memo? Michael: Ah, what? Which memo? Pam: Dwight's health care memo. I told you about it. Michael: Is it a good plan? Dwight: It's a great plan. It saves the company a fortune. Oscar: It's like a pay decrease. Pam: Michael, he made huge cuts. Michael: Cuts? What? Wow, Dwight, did you make cuts? Dwight: Yeah, you said... Michael: No, no , no, you know what? I said nothing specific because I was so busy. Why don't you go in there and find these people a plan that will work for them? OK? Dwight: I can handle that. Michael: OK? All right. Do we feel good? All right. Good. Plus, there's some other good news. Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all of you, a big surprise. OK? So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day. Right? Oscar: This is not good. Angela: It's ridiculous. Did you talk to him? Oscar: What was that? Angela: You let him walk all over you. It's just pathetic. Kevin: What are you guys talking about? Angela: Nothing, Kevin. Michael: Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesn't matter. The point is, they're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking, 'Wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a surprise. He's cool. I... what a great guy. I love him. I... Dwight: OK, everyone. Gather round. Step forward. It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do. Jim: OK, you know what Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential. Dwight: OK, well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or, don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office. Jim: Workspace. Michael: You know what? Come with me. We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise. Pam: Where are you going? Michael: Um, headed out. Part of my busy day, you know. Meetings. [Giggles] Couldn't find the knob. Michael: So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees. Atlantic City, OK? They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free. Picks everybody up, you head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped, they give you a pile of chips, and your food, everything just kind of all-inclusive, free kind of weekend. Travel Agent: I don't know of anything like that, but, um, you know what you might want to do, is just call those casinos directly. Um, maybe? Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did, so... Jim: Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both. Pam: I'm inventing new diseases. Jim: Oh, great. Pam: So, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that? Jim: I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion. Pam: Nice. Jim: Thank you. Michael: [on his cell phone] Calling you to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride. Man on Phone: You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride. Michael: Its says here that it's a 300ft drop. Man on Phone: It goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly. Michael: So it's not a free fall? Man on Phone: It's an industrial coal elevator. Michael: Uh, all right. Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something? Michael: OK, so I don't know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line is it Anyway? Dwight: Damnit! Damnit Jim! Dwight: All right, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them. Jim: What are you talking about? Dwight: Uh, someone forged, uh, medical information and that is a felony. Jim: OK, whoa. 'Cause that is a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake? Dwight: Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection. Dwight: You did this, didn't you? Jim: Absolutely not. Dwight: Yes you did. Jim: No I didn't. Dwight: I know it was you. Fine. You know what? I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for any one! Jim: Killer nanorobots? Pam: It's an epidemic. Dwight: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. [reads off of paper] 'Count Choculitis' Jim: Sounds tough. Dwight: Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula? Jim: Do you? Dwight: I think you need to confess... Jim: Mmm hmm. Dwight: ...the fact... Jim: Yep. Dwight: What are you doing? Those are my keys. Jim: Good luck. [closes door and locks it] Dwight: Jim! Damnit! No! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let... [Without looking, Jim throws his keys to his left, they land on a shelf next to Stanley] Stanley: [looks at keys, continues talking on phone] ...the light green or green... Jim: [answering phone] Jim Halpert. Dwight: Let me out. Jim: Who is this? Dwight: Let me out or you're fired. Jim: No, you can't fire me. Dwight: Yes I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk. Jim: OK, can you hold on? I'm getting the, ah, beep. [presses button on phone]] Jim Halpert. Pam: [on phone] Hey, Jim. It's Pam. Jim: Hey Pam! How are you? Dwight: Jim! Open the door! Pam: Good, how are you? Busy? Jim: I'm doing OK. Getting excited for the weekend though. What are you up to? Dwight: Jim! Pam: Um, I'm not bothering you, am I? Jim: No, not at all. Pam: You don't have anything you're doing? Jim: I have nothing to do. Dwight: Jim! Pam: Oh great. Um, no, this weekend? Nothing. I'm not really doing anything. Dwight: Jim! Jim: Oh yeah? Pam: I might go to the mall. Jim: The mall? Dwight: Jim! Pam: I need new shoes. Jim: Oh, interesting, what kind of shoes? Jan: Hello? Dwight: Uh, hello. Uh, this is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levenson-Gould. Jan: This is Jan. Dwight: Hi. Dwight Schrute calling, acting manager, Scranton branch. Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert. Jan: Who is this? Dwight: Dwight Schrute. Jan: From sales? Dwight: Well... Jan: Where's Michael Scott? Dwight: He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office. Jan: Dwight, listen to me very carefully. You are not a manager of anything. Understand? Dwight: That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking the health care plan. Jan: Really? Dwight: Yeah. Jan: OK, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately. Dwight: Call you immediately. Good. Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim? Jan: No. Please don't use my cell phone ever again. Dwight: Oh, this is your cell, I thought this was your... [dial tone] Michael: Hey, hey, everybody, Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh! [laughs] Here you go. Take one, take one. It's all good. Phyllis, think fast. Ya-bome! Oh, oh, I see Angela. Angela? Right? Waaaaah! Oh, hey temp. Why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care. And uh, faster metabolism. Ryan: Did you get the kind with the cookies? Instead of the... Michael: Why don't you just eat it, OK? And here you go, Stanley the manly. Stanley: Oh, thanks. Michael: There you go. Stanley: This isn't the big surprise, is it? Because we've been having a pretty horrible day. Michael: Uh, nope. Nope. This isn't the surprise. It's surprising, um... because you didn't expect it. But you will... you'll know it when you see it. Dwight: Michael. Michael? Michael: [under his breath] Oh, Christ. Dwight: I tried being rational, OK? And what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate. That leaves me with no options. Dwight: I'm now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered. Stanley: What about confidentiality? Dwight: You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis. Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered. Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy? Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina. Dwight: OK, great. Dermatitis. Thank you Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures? Kevin: That's a real thing. Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it. Kevin: Someone has it. Kevin: Do you think we should go ? Oscar: I don't know, Kevin. This is important. I don't want... [spots Michael through the blinds] There he is. Kevin: What is he doing? Oscar: I don't know. Oscar: Well? Michael: Well, what? You could be referring to anything. Oscar: OK, the health care plan. Pam: Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job. Michael: Uh, Dwight? Did you raise benefits? Dwight: I most certainly did not. Michael: Oh come on! That's horrible! Aaah... Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan. Ah, Damn! Oh, mmm, I wish I had time to change it, but Jan needs it by five, and... what time is it, what time is it? [looks at watch] Ah, it's after five. Oh, oh it's awful. So, well, OK. See you guys on Monday. Angela: What about the surprise? Michael: Oh... Yes. Exactly. Thank you Angela, for reminding me. Terrific. Um, before I tell everybody what the big surprise is, would you like to tell me what you think the big surprise is? Stanley: We all think you don't have a surprise. Michael: All right, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise. And... here it is. Here we go. And the big surprise is... Brrrrrrrr! Drum roll... Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrr! Michael: When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improve from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles. Michael: [clapping hands] God, yeah... Ah! This... Michael: Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. [as Robin Williams] 'Hi. I'm Mork from Ork.' Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo. Dwight: Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her. Dwight: [heated discussion in the 'Dwight Schrute Workspace', door opens] I did not dismiss you. Oscar: Well, you have no right to ask those questions. Dwight: You came into my office voluntarily. Oscar: Because I don't want my benefits slashed. Dwight: Well, maybe they won't get slashed if you answer all my questions. Oscar: I'm reporting you. Dwight: You know when ever a worker is promoted above their peers there's always going to be a little bit of jealousy. Uh, it's natural. And that's going to lead to goofing off and that's okay that's fine. As long as they are willing to suffer the consequences. Oscar: Michael I need to talk to you. Michael: Sorry, too busy can't even come to the door. Oscar: [opens door] Michael. Michael: Yeah, no... [hurries to get up from chair] Oscar: Michael, Michael I... [blinds rustle] ... inside. Michael: You know what. I, um, I'm out the door. I'm going to a meeting. Pam, I'm headed out to another meeting. So see you later. Uh, here we go. Pam: We stole Dwight's trashcan and she found some of his early attempts at his sign. Jim: Okay, here's uh, this is very simple. 'Dwight's Workspace,' nice. Pam: Mmm hmm. Jim: Um, this one interesting the power comes from the font in this one. 'Schrute Space,' very medieval, very England. Um, this one's forceful, this one's very Dwight. 'Quiet! Dwight Schrute Working,' it's good. Pam: Mmm hmm. Jim: I really heard him on that. This one's interesting I'm not really sure what he meant by this. Um, 'Dwight Schrute Privates.' Tough to say. Pam: Yeah. Jim: Okay, you know what, Dwight. What if you got a really serious disease like Ebola. Dwight: Psssh, no. Jim: Well, it could happen. Have you ever seen the movie Outbreak? Dwight: Yeah. Well, have you ever seen the movie Unbreakable? 'Cause that guy couldn't get sick, just like me. Jim: Okay. Have you ever seen the movie Sixth Sense? Maybe you are already dead. Dwight: Unlikely. Pam: You promise these are confidential? Dwight: 100%. Pam: Did you just mark on that? Dwight: I don't think so, no. Pam: You made a 'P.' Dwight: Wrong. [walks away] Thank you Jim. Kevin. Stanley. [whispering] Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. You finished? Oscar: Oh, yeah. Here's the rest of them. Dwight: That was... unauthorized. Michael: Well, it is time to call in a little favor. A buddy of mine runs this tourist attraction, actually it's big. It's probably one of the most popular in the state. So... Man on Phone: Hello. Michael: [on his cell phone] Hey, hey Craigers, my man! It is Michael Scott here. [silence] Dunder Mifflin, we supply your office paper. Man on Phone: Oh, I think we already did our order this month. Michael: No, no, no, no. No, actually to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, here's the deal. Um, trying to give the troops here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could bring them down to go on your big ride. Man on Phone: You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride. Michael: Well, it says here that it's a 300ft drop. Man on Phone: Well, it goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly. Michael: So it's not a free fall? Man on Phone: It's an industrial coal elevator. Michael: Uh, okay. So um, once you get down into the mine, what do you do? Is it like, uh... Do you have laser tag down there or something? Man on Phone: No, you just look around. It's a historically preserved coal mine. Michael: That's it? Man on Phone: Well, there's the adjacent Anthracite Heritage Museum. They got some really interesting old mining tools. There's also a photo mural exhibit. Uh, bat guano sculpture. [Michael hangs up cell phone] Michael: Uh, he's a small client. They don't really buy much. Dwight: Why do you want health care, Pam? Hmm? Why do you want it? Pam: In case I get sick. Dwight: Why don't you just go ahead and use Roy's health care plan, huh? Pam: Because we're not married. Dwight: But you're engaged. Aren't you and maybe you've set a date for the wedding, hmm? And because you know you're going to get married you don't have to take our health care plan seriously. Pam: We haven't set a date. [Dwight laughs] Dwight: You really expect me to believe you haven't set a date? I think you have. Sure Pam, sure. But you know what, you've been engaged for three years and I know you've set a date. And you know what else, I know you've got coverage under Roy and I know that you wrote down those fake diseases. Admit it. Admit it, Pam. Pam: Shut up, Dwight. Dwight: You wrote down... I didn't give you permission to.. I didn't... Pam: I'm not talking to you anymore. Jim: Dwight, I uh, I have something to confess. Dwight: You're doing the right thing. Go ahead. What 's your confession? Jim: Um... Dwight: Let it out. Jim: You're a jackass. Dwight: Okay. You wanna do this the hard way. We'll do this the hard way. You wrote down those fake diseases didn't you? Jim: No. Was that the hard way? Dwight: I know you did. Jim: Well, then why are you wasting everybody else's time interrogating them? Dwight: Well, because I want to know who wrote those diseases down. Jim: Right. Dwight: You want you to take this pen and this piece of paper and write this down. Write this down. Jim: Okay. Dwight: I, Jim Halpert... Jim: Wait, slow down. Dwight: ...confess to health care fraud. Jim: One second 'cause that sounds really good. Is jackass one word or two? [Dwight sighs] One, right? 'Cause, 'cause of the show, it's one. Dwight: One word. Michael: I've really learned from the greats. The great improvisers, Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles, uh, the Brady guy not so much. He's more the signing, Wayne Brady. Um, Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. [as Robin Williams] 'Hi. I'm Mork from Ork.' Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo. [as Robin Williams] 'That's Good morning, Vietnam!' Well, hello to you. You know it would be... God. And you know what, sometimes when I'm watching somebody like um, like Jay Leno. He'll be half way through his step [snaps his fingers] And I will already be laughing at the punch line. He hasn't even gotten to it. He doesn't even know what it is it. So it's fun, you know it's fun having a mind that works like that. That is just a few steps ahead of... comedically ahead of like what's going on. Like I'll watch T.V. and I'll be watching a show and I will think, oh, I know someone's gonna walk in here right now and say something funny. And then they do. Or, um, I know they'll be like oh boy that person deserved to be slammed down. There's going to be some sort of insult. And there is. You know, there's like, 'Oh you're... God your butt is fat.' And I knew it. I know it's like I knew they were going to say that. I knew they were gonna go there. Don't go there. Um, but other... You know it's like uh, you know Leno, um and Letterman, Carson, you know. Need I say more? No. Dwight: Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her. Michael: We're all going bowling!

Dwight: Michael!? Michael: Oh! God. Dwight, come on... Dwight: I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing? Michael: There's no downsizing. Dwight: I, but if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager? Michael: Assistant to the regional manager Dwight. Dwight: Yeah, so I don't have to worry? Michael: Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn't guarantee it if there's downsizing, okay? Michael: But there's no downsizing, so just don't... Dwight: Bottom line. Do I need to be worried? Michael: Mmm, mm, mm. Maybe. Michael: It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but... blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, 'You're fired.' [as Donald Trump] 'You're foir-ed. Uh, you're foir-ed.' It just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. [as Donald Trump] 'You're foir-ed.' I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, 'You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want.' But that's unrealistic, so... Dwight: It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work. Stanley: Why'd you do this? Dwight: I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt? Michael: Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam... Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is... drum roll please. Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person? Michael: Who is it? Who's the birthday? Pam: Um... Actually, we don't have any staff birthdays coming up. Michael: Next person on the... Pam: Oh. Michael: ...calendar. Pam: Okay, umm... that would be Meredith. Michael: Yes! All right, come on down Meredith! Pam: But it's not until next month. Michael: Um... uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it'll be a surprise. Pam: You still want to have a party? Michael: Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up! Michael: [grabs cell phone off desk] Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brr-rrrp. Star Trek. Phyllis: Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could... it's stupid, forget it. Angela: What? Phyllis: I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind. Angela: No, yeah, I think that's a good idea. Phyllis: Yeah? Angela: What color do you guys think? Phyllis: Well, there's green, um, blue... yellow... red... Pam: How about green? Angela: I think green is kind of whoreish. Pam: This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her. Michael: These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook! Michael: So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious. Angela: Meredith's allergic to dairy, so... Michael: She's not the only one that's going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It's not, uh, it's not just about her, so... Pam: It is... her birthday. Michael: Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip? Dwight: Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out. Dwight: Do you want to form, an alliance, with me? Jim: Absolutely, I do. Dwight: Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected... Jim: At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me. Dwight: Did you get your tickets? Jim: To what? Dwight: The gun show. [Rolls up his sleeve and kisses his bicep] Jim: And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says 'No, Jim, here's a way.' Dwight: There's one other thing and this is important. Let's keep this alliance totally a secret. Don't tell anyone. Pam: An alliance? Jim: Oh yeah. Pam: What does that even mean? Jim: I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I'm not sure. Jim: Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground. Dwight: Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the... paper products? Dwight: Did you tell Pam about the alliance? Jim: What? No. Dwight: Just now. Jim: What? Oh no no no. Dwight, no. I'm using her, for the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? Pam. Dwight: Right, that's good, good, pursue this. Jim: Well I'm trying to. Do you see what I'm doing? Dwight: Mmm hmm. Jim: But listen, I'm going to have to talk to her a lot. All right? And there may be chatting, and giggling. And you gotta just pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away. Dwight: Done. Jim: All right. Michael: [to the camera] Can you get her? She's right there. [camera zooms in on Meredith at here desk] That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this... is Meredith's card. Happy Bird-Day. [laughs] Um, let's see. Jim, Jim wrote, 'Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but, come on, you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers.' Not bad, pretty funny, I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here's the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I've already set the bar really high. And they're all worried about their jobs, you know. It's kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, 'Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You're great. Love, Michael.' [pretends to vomit and laughs] Dwight: They seem awfully chummy, don't you think? Jim: Yeah, what do you think that's about? Dwight: Only one way to find out. Jim: I'm on it. Jim: You are not going to believe this. Dwight: What? I believe it. Jim: Well, tensions were high in the kitchen. Dwight: I could tell, from the body language. Jim: Hey Kev, that looks good. What is it? Turkey? Kevin: Italian. Jim: Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion, provolone... Kevin: Yeah. Jim: Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off. Dwight: Good, let 'em. It helps our cause. Jim: Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking... Dwight: Oh, they're forming an alliance Toby: I love their sandwiches. Jim: I love their sandwiches too. Kevin: Their bread's really good. Jim: Their bread is very good. Dwight: Damn it. God! Jim: OK, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off. Dwight: God... Damn it! Why us? Jim: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong. Michael: [staring at birthday card] Meredith, Meredith... Meri... Mary had a little lamb. Mary... Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor. Michael: Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What's up? Oscar: Uh, I'm sorry to bother you. Michael: Oh, not at all. Come on in. What's going on? Oscar: My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to... you know... if... Michael: What? Oscar: Donate to the charity? Michael: Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here. Oscar: Thank you. Michael: No, I'm always good... for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you... $25. Oscar: That's... that's... that's very generous. Michael: Oh, my gosh, well... Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so... Pam: [whispering] Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second? Jim: Sure, what's up? Pam: Um, I don't know, I'm just like, I'm going a little crazy 'cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues? Jim: Oh no? Pam: Yeah, he's making me take notes on these meetings and I'm, like, 'These people are my friends.' But he's all like, 'This is confidential. You can't tell anybody.' But I just feel like I want to... aaah. Just promise me you're not gonna say anything. Jim: No, will not, I'm not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me. Pam: OK, yeah. Dwight: Jackpot. Jim: That was beautiful. All her idea too. Awesome. She is so great. Michael: [looking at birthday card] Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath. Dwight: Hey, you wanted to see me? Michael: Yeah. What do you know about Meredith? Dwight: I don't think she'd be missed. Michael: There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend. Dwight: Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies. Michael: I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside. Dwight: She had a hysterectomy. Michael: [laughs] Which one is that again? Dwight: That's where they remove the uterus. Michael: Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus? Dwight: It could be kind of funny. Michael: You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just... OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time. Jim: OK, here's the deal. All right? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday. Dwight: Oh my God, we have to be there. Jim: I know, but it's gonna be a little tough because there's no good place to hide there. Dwight: No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God. Jim: What? What? Dwight: I know. I know exactly what to do. Jim: [gives Dwight a high five] Great. Dwight: I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision. Dwight: This is going to be perfect, OK? Centrally located. Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything. Jim: Good. Ryan: Michael? Are you done yet? Michael: Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. OK, come on. Let's go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on! Shhh. Be quiet. Jim: Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open. Dwight: So tape it down. Jim: I can't do that. You won't be able to breathe. Dwight: Look, I can breathe just fine. OK, but if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box. Jim: Thank you, thank you. OK. Everybody: Surprise! Meredith: Oh! Surprise. Angela: No, it's ah... Michael: It's surprise Meredith. One, two... Everybody: [tunelessly] Happy birthday to you. Michael: Find a key. Everybody: Happy birthday... Jim: So do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box? Dwight: No, you need to go upstairs to the party so people don't notice we're both gone. Jim: Right... That's good. Dwight: Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me. Everybody: [singing] ... birthday, dear Meredith Happy birthday to you... Michael: And many more! Stanley: Last year, five years ago... Michael: You were surprised, weren't you? Meredith: Yes. Michael: You looked freaked, man. We said 'Surprise.' You were, like, 'What?' 'What the hell's goin' on here?' Good cake. Why don't you have some? Meredith: Uh, I can't. Um... Michael: Come on. A little bit. Meredith: I can't eat dairy. Michael: Oh, right. God, too bad. It's so good. Meredith: Yeah, it makes me sick. Michael: You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. 'Cause this is way, way too good. Pam: He's in a box? Jim: Pam, he's in a box. He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious. Go down there and work your magic. Pam: [on her cell phone] Hey where are you? Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What? Oh my gosh! That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don't know what some of the people in, like, accounting are going to do? It said specifically that... Dwight: [box falls over] Oh. Michael: Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal. Jim: Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it? 25 bucks? Michael: Well, you know, money isn't everything Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time. Jim: Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It's gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So... God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give. Michael: Is Oscar around? Michael: I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know... 25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn't think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so... Oscar: Well, that's what a walk-a-thon is. Michael: I know... Oscar: It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, 'However many dollars per mile.' Michael: Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um... Oscar: I just think it's kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity. Michael: No, no, no, no, no. That wasn't what I wasn't, that wasn't... No. It-it-it's not about the money. It's just... it... it's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape? Oscar: Yeah. Michael: How many miles did he do last year? Oscar: Last year, he walked 18 miles. Michael: Son of a bitch. That is impressive. Pam: Happy Birthday. [gives Meredith her card] Michael: Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best. Meredith: Happy Bird-day' Um... 'Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still.' Michael: [under his breath] I don't know about that. Meredith: That was Stanley. 'Meredith, happy birthday, you're the best. Love, Pam.' Michael: [pretends to vomit] Huh! Thanks, downer. Meredith: This is from Michael. 'Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.' Michael: Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old. Meredith: No, I... I get it. It's funny. Michael: [laughs] You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, OK, here's a good one. Um... 'Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.' 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right? Meredith: You're right. You're right. Yes. Michael: Divorce. Um... OK, 'Meredith is so old...' Oscar: How old is she? Michael: Everybody? If... could do it? 'Meredith is so old...' Everybody: How old is she? Michael: She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her.' Michael: That wasn't even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um, don't get mad at me. Oscar: Uh, nice party Michael. Michael: This isn't my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. The streamers? I think we could have done better than that. Angela: Phyllis wanted red, I didn't. Phyllis: Oh, boy... You... Michael: OK, we... all right. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. OK, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are... a group of people... who work together. I was... I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephew's... walkathon. $25. Oscar: Per mile. Michael: Per mile, yes. Michael: When I retire, I... don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back. Michael: A check for the kids, and for the team. Michael: I want it to be like... 'Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?' 'Um, well, I don't, I don't know. It was anonymous.' 'Well, guess what, [whispering] that was Michael Scott.' 'But it was anonymous, how do you know?' 'Because I'm him.' Oscar: Thank you, Michael. Michael: Come here. [hugs Oscar and In a low voice] Don't cash that till Friday, OK? Toby: Really? Today? Ryan: Yeah. Toby: Oh, Happy Birthday. Ryan: Thanks. Toby: Yeah, I could say something. Ryan: No, don't. Don't do that. Jim: OK, OK. I have something that totally tops the box. Pam: Oh, tell me, tell me. Jim: OK. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and... [Pam starts laughing]... spy on our other branch. No no no. Jim: But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover. Pam: [laughing] That's perfect! Jim: If we can get him to drive to Connecticut... and put peroxide in his hair... Roy: [yelling] What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert? Jim: No, no, dude, no. Pam: Hey, Hey! Jim: No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa. Pam: Come on. Jim: God, I don't even, I don't even know how to explain this. Uh, um... Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. And then um... um... we were... we've just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um... Pam: It's just office pranks. Jim: It's stupid. It's, it's just office pranks. Roy: [looking at Dwight] An alliance? What the hell is he talking about? Dwight: I have absolutely no idea. Roy: Come on. Dwight: Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That's the game. Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves. Dwight: [With blonde hair] That's politics baby. Get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson. Dwight: Good, excellent, and file sharing off and done. Security software, 128-bit encryption, firewalls. Get up, I'll install it on your computer. Jim: No thanks. Dwight: Pssh, stupid. Identity theft happens all the time. I can become you like that. [snaps fingers] But no one can become me. Jim: No one wants to be you, Dwight. Dwight: Not true. And if they did, they couldn't because I'm password protected. Jim: Is your password Frodo? Dwight: No. [typing on keyboard] Jim: Did you just change it to Gollum? Dwight: No. [typing on keyboard] Pam: [telephone rings] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold please. Michael: All righty then, well I see you're going for the whole bored supermodel thing. 'Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. May I help you?' [takes a drag from an imaginary cigarette] Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke. Pam: I wasn't really going for anything. Michael: No, no. I get it, I get it, I get it. A child is born, 'Oh, oh-hum.' A beautiful sunset, 'No, I'll catch the next one.' Right? Unicorn walks into the office, 'Oh, do you have an appointment?' [laughs] Okay, look Pam this is not meant as a criticism, but let me tell you what you're doing wrong. You are the voice of this company, right? And when clients call and you're not smiling they can hear that in your voice. It is a real turnoff. Pam: Are you being serious? Michael: Yes, I am, absolutely. So, the next call we get I'd like you to smile. I'd like to see a big smile. Pam: Okay. Michael: Okay. [waits for call] Pam: No one's calling. Michael: I know, somebody will. And we'll wait. Pam: Sometimes there's a lot of time between the calls. Michael: I know, I know, we will wait. Pam: Okay. Michael: We will wait for the call and you will smile. Let me try something, just while we're waiting. Pam: Okay. Michael: Tell me if I'm smiling or not. [covers face with hands] Hi Pam, how are you? Was I smiling? Pam: Yes. Michael: Okay, let me try this one. [covers face with hands] Hi Pam, how are you? Pam: No. Michael: I mean you can tell. Pam: Yeah, I could tell. Michael: I wasn't smiling that time and they can tell too. Pam: That was a good example. Michael: Thank you. All right, when we get a call I'll come back and you'll do the smile. Pam: Okay. [telephone rings] Michael: Show time! It's show time! Pam: [smiling] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. One moment I'll transfer you. Michael: Okay. Dwight: [throwing away a banana, mayonnaise, and a sandwich from the refrigerator, smells the mayonnaise] God. [drinks from the milk carton and puts it back] Mmm. Jim: [looks in the refrigerator] Hey Dwight, my tuna sandwich isn't in the refrigerator. You wouldn't know anything about that would you? Dwight: It was rotting. Jim: It was not rotting. Dwight: Any employee may dispose a food item... Jim: Stop. Dwight, stop. Dwight: ...that risks contaminating the other food item. Read the official kitchen regulations memo. Jim: Dwight, you wrote that memo. Okay, it's not an official memo. Dwight: Uh, uh, not my problem. Okay, this is a paper factory not a bacteria factory. Jim: Dwight, it's not a factory at all. Do you have to do what you are doing? [Dwight is tapping each of the bobble heads on his desk and making them bobble] Dwight: Uh, if they don't bobble, what's the point? Angela: What is this? Oscar: My nephew does it every year. Anything you could give would be fantastic. Angela: Okay, but I don't want to be put on a mailing list. Jim: We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off. Dwight: God... Damn it! Why us? Jim: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong. God, it's freezing, I gotta go in. You stay though for like five minutes. Dwight: [talking over Jim] Okay. Jim: You don't want to arouse suspicion. Dwight: I'll stay for ten. Jim: Good. I like it. You know what. Pretend to smoke. [Dwight pretends to smoke] Michael: Do a poem for Meredith's birthday or uh, limerick. Limerick. Um, [knock on door] there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Come on in. Who had a big, smifflin. Toby: Hi, do you mind if I sign the card real quick? Michael: No, not at all come on in. [Toby signing the birthday card] No, no. You can't. No, red hair is my area. We have it on tape, so... Toby: It's just a birthday card. Michael: I was going to put that in my message, Toby. All right? So just cross it off. Cross it off, now. [Toby writes on birthday card] What are you doing? Oh come on, you're ruining it. Toby, come on. Just, look at that. That's wrecked. Ass. Get some white out. Toby: There's some right there. Michael: That's my white out. Get your own white out. Just... what's the matter with you? God. [Toby leaves] Okay, um, there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Who had a big, puttifflin. [thinking out loud] Mifflin, spifflin. Jim: Uh, by the way. Have you heard Dwight say the word immunity, yet? Because if I can get Dwight to say the word immunity, it might be the greatest day of my life. Dwight: Hey. Michael: Hey. Dwight: You wanted to see me? Michael: Uh, yeah. What do you know about Meredith? Dwight: I don't think she'd be missed. Michael: There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend. Dwight: Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies. Michael: I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside. Dwight: She had a hysterectomy. Michael: Which one is that again? Dwight: That's where they remove the uterus. Michael: Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny here, okay. What am I going to do with a removed uterus? Dwight: It could be kind of funny. Michael: [sighs] Come up with a joke that I can use, okay? Dwight: Mmm-hmm. Michael: Help me out here. Dwight: Okay. Hey Meredith, where's your uterus? Michael: No, not a uterus joke Dwight. Please. Something useable. A joke. Dwight: If I find a joke for you, will you grant me immunity? [cut to Jim holding his hands up like a champion] Michael: What? Dwight: From the downsizing. Michael: There's not going to be downsizing, Dwight. You know what, I am on a deadline here and just, okay. Thanks. Thanks for your help. I'm... I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. [Dwight leaves] Thanks for coming in, that's always... Always helpful when I give him a call. Call him in. Michael: Meredith. Oh, oh man, ah gosh. I can't remember why I came over here. Ha, ha. Meredith: I hate that. Michael: I know. Ugh, that is so annoying. [makes fart noise] Brain fart. By the way, do you remember any funny interactions we may have had recently that I've forgotten about? Just, you know we bumped into each and you said, 'Brr, brr.' And I went, 'Argh, Argh.' You know? Anything? [shakes her head 'no'] Well, if you think of something, let me know. 'Cause I like to know. 'Cause I'm going crazy. Michael: Oscar, uh for future reference just think you should know, that you should probably make it clear that your nephew is doing the walkathon and that he doesn't actually have cerebral palsy. Okay. Oscar: I never suggested... Michael: No, no. I know you didn't intend to, but I just I got the idea and I, uh, I just don't it has a lot of ethical merit to make people think something. You know? And then prey on their emotions. Oscar: Michael, if I gave you... Michael: No, hey it's just kinda uncool, okay? I, just... Play fair, you know, play fair. Oscar: Thank you. Michael: Thank you. Oscar: Okay. Meredith: Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.' Michael: Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old. Meredith: No, I...I get it. It's funny. Michael: [laughs] You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, Okay, here's a good one. Um...'Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.' 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right? Meredith: You're right. You're right. Yes. Michael: Divorce. Um... Okay, 'Meredith is so old...' Oscar: How old is she? Michael: If everybody... could do it? 'Meredith is so old...' Everybody: How old is she? Michael: She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her.' Michael: [clears throat] What's the difference between Meredith and Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson's surgery was unnecessary. Meredith: You're talking about my hysterectomy. Michael: Yes! Thank you. God. She gets it. [laughs] We just picked the best one right? Just had it. Pam: [whispering] I'm so sorry. [Angela, Phyllis, and Pam all whispering] ... seriously, we're just... Michael: Um, no, no. Come on. No. Don't comfort... don't comfort her, that's not... She doesn't need comforting. We're just joking around. I think she's... No that's very unprofessional. I think she's being very unprofessional over there. Dwight: I'm only going to ask you this once. Are you part of an alliance? Ryan: What? Dwight: Well played.

Michael: [to Jim]: Hey, you ready? Michael: All right, all right, secret sign. Hey, Ryan. [Ryan holds up his bag] Very good. Excellent, excellent. Dwight: Michael! Michael: Today at lunchtime we're going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea. Last time I was down there, I noticed they'd put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, 'This might be kinda fun.' And so I started messing around and... I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So... you know, it's really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together. Michael: Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you. Dwight: Michael, can I talk to you, please? Privately? In your office? I think I should be on the team. Michael: No. And that's not me being mean, Dwight. That is based on your past behavior. Dwight: Oh, please. Michael: [to camera] When I let him come to my pick-up game... Dwight: I apologized for that. Michael: [to Dwight] I vouched for you. Dwight: Michael, I... Michael: I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight. All right, here's what I'm going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar. Dwight: I can handle that. Michael: Good. Excellent, it'll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we're going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody's gonna want to do it and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't want to have to deal with that. Dwight: And that's why you have an assistant regional manager. Michael: Yes it is. Assistant to the regional manager. Dwight: [to camera] Same thing. Michael: No, it's not. It's lower, so... Dwight: It's close. Dwight: So we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that, that should be...Jim. Jim: God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head. Phyllis, can you believe this? Phyllis: Keep me out of it. Pam: My fiance has plans for us this Saturday. So I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding. Michael: All right, managing by walking around. This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right. Ryan: Fine, don't worry about that. Michael: And here we have 'Mister Roger's Neighborhood.' Come on over here. Hey, this is Ryan. He's temping upstairs. Lonny: What's up? Michael: And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs. Darryl: It's not my real name. Michael: No, it's Darryl. Darryl is Mista Ra-jahs. Ryan: Darryl Rogers? Darryl: Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers. Michael: [laughs] And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know, the uh, the best looking one upstairs. Ryan: Yeah, yeah. Michael: You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job! Rapport! Pam: [on the phone] No, no, I know that the warranty's expired, but isn't it supposed to last longer than two years if it isn't defective? OK, fine, three years. Jim: Pam gets a little down. Her toaster oven broke. Um, which she got at her engagement shower. Um, for a wedding that still has yet to be set... and that was three years ago. Michael: So, um, one o'clock sharp and we've got a game on. Darryl: We're loading at one. Michael: Oh, I see, you're chickening out on me. You're bailing on me. Darryl: No, we got a truck going out at 1:15. So, that's the busy time. Michael: Oh, well, I'm glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I'm down here it doesn't seem too busy to me. Oh, oh. You can dish it out, but you can't take it. OK, fine, have it your way. [clucking and dancing like a chicken] Darryl: All right, fine, you know what? One o'clock. Michael: All right, see you at one. Michael: Are we ready for the game? Everybody: [half-heartedly] Yeah. Michael: I... yeah, yeah. I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings. Dwight: Gimli. Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team. Dwight: Just trying to be helpful. Michael: Uh, [in a nerdy voice] 'I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword.' Jim: That's him. Michael: OK, so, let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Stanley of course. Stanley: I'm sorry? Michael: Um, what do you play? Center? Stanley: Why 'of course'? Michael: Uh... Stanley: What's that supposed to mean? Michael: Uh, I don't know. I don't remember saying that. Jim: Uh, I heard it. Michael: Well, people hear a lot of things, man. Um... other starters... Me, of course. I heard it that time. Phyllis: I'd like to play if it's just for fun. I played basketball in school. Michael: [ignores Phyllis)] Um... Yeah. Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart. Ryan: But, I'm getting paid to skip lunch? Michael: Yes. Ryan: OK. Michael: Yes, this is business. The, uh, business of team building and morale boosting. Uh, who else? Oscar: I can help out, if you need me. Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box. Kevin: I have a hoop in my driveway. Michael: No. Phyllis: I have a sports bra. Michael: No, no, ridiculous. Dwight: Michael, look. [Dwight throws paper at the garbage can] Michael: Close. All right, uh... Me, Stan the man, Jim, Ryan and Dwight. Dwight: Yes! Michael: Sorry Phyllis. Dwight: Can I be team captain? Michael: No, I'm team captain. Dwight: Can I be team manager? Michael: No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager. Dwight: Assistant team manager? Michael: No. Dwight: OK, we'll see who's working this weekend then. Michael: Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now. Jim: Oh my God. Michael: Threat neutralized. Michael: [hits Pam in the head with a piece of paper] Off the backboard! Pam: Please don't throw garbage at me. Michael: Oh, Pam with a zinger. Hey, Pam, how would you, like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some, ah, pigtails? A little, ah, halter top, you could tie that up. And you know, something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once? Pam: I don't think so Michael. Besides, I can't cheer against my fiance. Jim: I'll do it. Wear a little flouncey skirt if you want, and... Michael: Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying. Pam: Maybe Angela would cheerlead. Michael: Oh, yeah right. Phyllis: I'll do it. Michael: Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt. That's where we need you. Blessed be those who sit and wait. You made it, suit up, you're on the team! All right, cool! Very good. Michael: Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays, huh, man? Darryl: Just getting a tea bag. Michael: Oh ho, oh, he's running. He's running. He's running, but he can't hide because you know what? One o'clock, you better bring your 'A' game. Because me, and my, posse guys are gonna be in your face. Right in your face! Darryl: Why don't we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley's. Michael: Whoa-ho. I like the way you think. You know what, I'm gonna take that one step further. Loser, works, on Saturday. Darryl: No, that's not as much fun. You know what? Michael: What? Darryl: You're on. Michael: OK. Cool, you're on. [to Dwight] Don't screw this up. Michael: [to camera] Classic beginner's mistake, eating before a game. Angela: Has anyone seen the first-aid kit? [Dwight holds the kit up] How many times have I told you? I'm the safety officer, not you. Jim: Basketball? It was kind of my thing in high school. And I'm, yeah, I'm looking forward to playing. You know, I think I'm gonna impress a few people in here. Jim: You coming down? Pam: Yeah, I'm just forwarding the phones. Jim: You gonna wish me luck? Pam: Yeah, you're gonna need it. Jim: Whoa. Jim: Is that trash talk from Pam? Pam: [laughing] I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive. Jim: Oh. Pam: And he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday so... Jim: Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along. Pam: Um, I think I'm gonna be up at the lake. Jim: I think I'll see you at the mall. Yeah. Michael: Hey, there he is! Secret weapon! All right, guys, come on, let's bring it in! Here we go! OK, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here, the Dunder Mifflin team. Of course, if you beat us, you're fired. That's a joke. OK, let's do it. Jim: Have a good game man. Roy: Yeah, you too. Should be fun. Michael: All right, everybody stretch out a little bit. Stretch it. Full stretch. Ryan, you wanna stretch? Ryan: I stretched before I came. Michael: OK. Michael: OK, Ryan, you have Darryl. I have Roy. Jim: Really? I thought I'd take Roy. Michael: Actually, I think Roy is their best player not Lonny. So, Dwight, you uh, have the East German gal. Uh, who else we got... Um...OK, all right, you guys. Dwight: [taking off his shirt] OK, we'll be skins! Michael: Aw, come on Dwight. Dwight: What? Shirts on or off? Michael: On. Just put it on. Dwight: You sure? Michael: Yes. Uh, Pam? You kind of have your foot in both camps, why don't you do the uh, jump ball OK? Roy: Don't listen to him Pam. Trust me, tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car. Michael: Stanley! What? You gotta be kidding me! !?! [Roy steals the ball, and goes for a lay up] Oh... Here we go! [Lonny shoots and makes it] Who's on him? Somebody get him! Teammates: Yeah! Roy: That's what I'm talking about. Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over here, over here. [Jim saves the ball from going out of bounds and passes to Michael] Here we go. Three! [Shoots and misses] Let's go to the zone! We're going to zone! Dwight: De-fense! [clap, clap] [Michael joins in] De-fense! [clap clap] Michael and Dwight: De-fense! De-fense! Warehouse worker: [Roy scores] Well done team. Michael: Who's got Roy? [Jim does a behind the back move around Roy for the basket] Pam: Woo! Michael: [misses a half court shot] Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those. [Dwight scores] Dwight, I was open. All right, let's go. Michael: [Roy bumps Michael to get around him] OK, foul. Charging. Charging. That's a foul. Roy: OK. Michael: OK, I'll take it. [misses free throw] OK. Michael: When I am playing hoops all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. It's gone, I'm in the zone. Michael: [misses another shot] What is wrong with me today?! Michael: Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine. What's Dunder Mifflin? I've never heard of it. Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um... well, that's probably gonna happen, actually. Michael: Jim! Jim! Jim, right here, Jim! Give me the ball! Ryan, cut! [Michael looks away and misses Jim's pass] Whoa! Jim: My bad. Darryl: [scores] Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Lonny: [dancing] Where you at? Where you at? You over there? I'm over there. Michael: That is cool. Is that like the Robot? Michael: [Ryan scores] Nice! Come here! [gives Ryan a chest bump] Ryan: Can we just do one? That's cool, that's fine. Darryl: You have one more free throw shoot. Come on. Roy: All right, let's go. Warehouse worker: Watch your back Madge. Madge: Hey! Come on man! Michael: Come on! Hey, Dwight. Dwight! Dwight: [scores] Yeah! [points to Madge] In your face! Madge: Yeah, like that counts. Michael: You know what? Dwight, Dwight... Michael: Football is like rock and roll, it's just bam-bam-boo... And basketball is like jazz, you know? You're kind of... Dupee-doo, dupee-do. It's all downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like... [singing] Dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah... Michael: [singing] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Harlem Globetrotter... Roy: [steals the ball, scores, mimics singing] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do. Your ball. Michael: All right, time, time out. Come on, sales, over here. Bring it in! Come on! Michael: What's going on? What's going on? You're playing like a bunch of girls. Jim: You know what? Let me take Roy. Michael: All right, switch. Take it up a notch, come on. Michael: Shoot, shoot it. [Roy hits Jim in the mouth with his elbow] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Foul! Naked aggression! Oh, that is... You all right Jim? Suck it up. Darryl: Block, block, block! Madge: He's afraid of you now. Michael: [Jim makes a shot after pushing off Roy] Ouch! Oh, how much does it hurt? How much does it hurt? Michael: [Jim pushes Roy to the ground and makes another shot] Yes! Roy: What the hell man? Jim: Take it easy. Roy: No, you take it easy. Michael: [Darryl scores] Watch the long passes, you guys! Ryan: [Dwight steals the ball from Ryan] Same team, Dwight. Michael: Dwight! Dwight: [scores] Yes! Michael: [Phyllis scores] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In, your, face! Angela, what's the score? Angela: You're ahead. Michael: Yeah, baby, here we go! Michael: [Jim has the ball] Jim! Jim! Right here! [runs into the elbow of the guy guarding him] Ow! God! Hold it! Worker: I'm sorry. Michael: Foul! Foul! Worker: I'm sorry. You all right? Michael: Oh, that hurts. Worker: Sorry, I didn't mean to do that. Michael: What's your problem man? Gah, just clocking me for no reason? Darryl: Take your shot man! Michael: No, no, no, no. That was a flagrant, personal, intentional foul. Right there. Worker: No it wasn't. Michael: [mocking voice] Yes, it was. You know what, I'm just being fair. Worker: Oh, really? No, I just put my arm up... Michael: Game over. Game over. That is it! I'm sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that's just... we're having a friendly game. It's a shame. This is a damn shame, but we're like a family here and that just, that won't fly. Angela: This is a cold pack... Dwight: Here, give me that. You have to break the interior bag. [bag explodes] Michael: Thanks Dwight. Lonny: Wait, what does that mean? What is it, a tie? What's going on? Michael: Well, let's just say whoever was ahead won. Darryl: That was you. Michael: It was us? Really? I didn't, I didn't know. Great, I mean, I guess you guys are working Saturday. Your face. Roy: No, no, no, I'm not coming in on Saturday. Darryl: Yeah, this isn't happening. Michael: Um... well, you guys, you know, I'm the boss so... Lonny: So what's that? We're coming in on Monday, right? Michael: Hey, hey... Lonny: Monday? Michael: [laughing] You guys believed me? Come on. Dogs, you know, you should know me better than that. No, oh, do you think that would've been good for morale? No. No. No. Exactly, no. I'm embarrassed it was even that close though. So... nah, of course, we're coming in Saturday. Good game. Word. Jim: [to Pam] ...so I talked to the scout, it looks good. Pam: Mmm-hmm. Jim: I didn't sign anything. Roy: Hey baby. Pam: Hey. Roy: [to Jim] Look at Larry Bird. Larry Legend. Pam: Yeah, he's, uh, pretty good, huh? [to Roy] Let's get you into a tub. Roy: Yeah? Let's get you into a tub. Michael: Hey, what a game, huh? What a game. Oscar: What time do we have to come in? Michael: Come on. Let's not be gloomy here man. We're all in this together. We're a team. You know what? Screw corporate, nobody's coming in tomorrow. You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend. Michael: The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did because we were ahead. Michael: [slams palms on desk] Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you. Pam: New pants? Michael: Uh, yes. Thank you for noticing. Pam: Abercrombie & Fitch? Michael: Uh, they look that good? Wow. [Mike Myers voice] Oh, Pam please behave. Mike Myers, genius. Um, no actually I got them at a fancier place. Target. Dwight: Michael, could I talk to you for a second, please? Michael: Uh... Dwight: In your office? [in Michael's office] You know that is why you have an assistant regional manager. Michael: Yes, yes. Assistant to the regional manager. Dwight: [to camera] Same thing. Michael: No, it's not. It's lower. Dwight: It's close. Michael: What was that? Dwight: What? Michael: That look? Dwight: What look? Michael: Like trying to find the camera, to give the camera a look. Okay, we're done. Is that your stomach? I keep hearing somebody's stomach. [whispers] God. Michael: So, you uh, see the Sixers game last night? Darryl: Yeah. Michael: [howls like a wolf] Oww whoo whoo! The Answer was on fire! Darryl: Iverson. Yeah, always man. It's very important. Michael: Oh, man! Man I tell ya. Iverson has maybe got me beat by like 20 pounds, 3 inches. [makes 'pop' noise with his mouth] Roy: What? Iverson's not fat. Michael: No, neither am I. We both look good. Michael: Do I have a nickname on the court, um? Well, The Answer would be nice, but it's taken. So, uh, probably The Question. The Answer dishes to The Question. The Question back to The Answer. Answer over to The Question. The Answer, whew, [makes shooting motion] three points. The Question, whew, whew, [makes shooting motion] six points. Nothing but net. Question, who's the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister. Kevin: I can't work Saturday. Dwight: Please, have a seat. [Kevin sits down] Okay, why not? Kevin: I'm in a band. Dwight: Marching or garage? Kevin: It's a Steve Miller Tribute Band. Dwight: I tell you what. You give me a tape of your band and a tape of the Steve Miller Band and I'll get back to you. That is all. Todd Packer: [on the phone] Mello. Michael: Packer. Pac-man. Packer: Whoa. Hey. Michael: Pac-man [imitating the noises of the video game Pac-man eating dots] Todd Packer: [on the phone] Is this Michael Scott? My secret lover. My intercom, I told you never to call me here. Never! [Michael's laughing] Michael: I'm not your lover! I'm am not Michael Scott, I am Dr. Bergerstein. Your proctologist. Todd Packer: [on the phone] Bergerstein! Michael: Ah, yes. Ah. [laughs] Todd Packer: [on the phone] Bergerstein! Michael: It's not a Jewish joke, so don't worry. Todd Packer: [on the phone] I want my money back you greedy Hebrew. Bergerstein! Michael: [clears throat] No, hey, hey , hey. You know what I just wanted to remind you about the game today. One 'o clock. Big game, big game. Todd Packer: [sounds sick on the phone] I can't make it. Michael: Mmm. No, you said you could man. We're counting on ya. You know you're playing point guard. Todd Packer: [on the phone] I... I'm not coming. Michael: No. Hey... I mean, although it's just for fun, you know we want... I was counting on you man. Todd Packer: [on the phone] Oh, God! Stop whining. You know, you only come to the pick up game once a year. You little bitch. [Michael picks up phone, takes it off speakerphone] All right, yup. Hey, okay. No problem, you know, best you can do. Hey, you know. Hey, nice talking to you too. All right take care. [sighs] Michael Scoot. That's funny. He's a good friend. Dwight: [eating Tootsie Rolls from Angela's candy on her desk] Mmm. Good. Mmm. Angela: They're one per person. [points to sign 'Please take one!!] Dwight: Would you like to have a vacation this year? That's what I thought. [continues eating Tootsie Rolls] Mmm, delicious. Pam: Well, I though we were saving money for the wedding, but apparently Roy thought it was more important to buy two WaveRunners. I don't really ever get to use the other WaveRunner that's supposed to be mine because his brother uses it and they race. Dwight: Jim, you're the new schedule guy, huh? Jim: I'm trying, yup. Dwight: Yeah, I hear that. You know what? This little baby might come in handy. Jim: Great, thanks. Dwight: On one condition. You... Jim: Forget it. It's just a dry erase board. Dwight: Oh, no it's not. Okay, check it out. Jim: Okay, that's insanely complicated and the first thing I'm going to do is erase it. Dwight: No, you're not because I spent hours on it. Jim: Well, then keep it. Dwight: Okay, I will. Okay, fine. You'll be back. Michael: [misses a free throw badly] I... I think you can play. Like you could when you were a kid. I think you can never give up the play. Because if people stop playing, then they stop living. It's like a shark. If a shark stops playing he stops living. And sharks are very playful creatures. Angela: [Dwight holds the first aid kit up] I'm the safety officer, not you. Dwight: Isn't that crazy? I'm a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. Lackawanna County says that it's okay for me to perform CPR, but for Michael my lips aren't qualified enough for his perfect little face. It's nuts. Angela: Is that really necessary? Dwight: [wearing a face guard] I've almost had my nose broken a dozen times. Michael: You know what. I think most basketball movies are great movies. Because it's a great subject. There's one about a little kid who, um, joins a professional basketball team and he's really, really good and he can dunk and he's like 3 feet tall. And he can dunk the ball. That, oh, I love that movie. That movie kind of, that movie makes me cry. I don't like to cry on camera, but that movie makes me cry. Um, because it touches a cord in me about hoops. [Michael's free throw is really short] Short, short, short! And basketball is like jazz, you know. To like pertipify it there's a jazz musician, a guy, you know... if you know jazz you know who I mean. He's uh, God what was his name? Um, he plays one of those curly horns, like those really shiny curly horns that's used in jazz a lot. Warehouse Worker: [back to the basketball game] Let's go Lonny. Jim: [Michael steals the ball] Yeah, Michael. Go Michael. [makes shot] Dwight: Yes! Michael: Birdie. He's not the guy with the cheeks. Kenny G. Is... if you knew jazz, you'd know who I mean. Kenny G. God. Glad I remembered that. Jazz people know who he is. Michael: [back to the basketball game] Dwight, pass it to Jim! Pass it to Ryan! Stanley: Oh, my ankle! Michael: Stanley, gotta play hurt. Stanley: Oh, actually no I don't Michael. Michael: I just want you know, you've been a big disappointment to me today, okay. Stanley: [in pain] Oh. Go away. Michael: I'm in. I'm in. Here we go. [Lonny gets around Michael to score and he ends up in front of Phyllis] Zone, Phyllis! We're playing zone! Everybody: [Michael hits a half court shot] Ah! [clapping] Michael: Yes! Yes! All right. We got game!

Jan: Are you listening to me Michael? Michael: Affirmative. Jan: What did I just say? Michael: You just said, let me uh... check my notes. You just said... Jan: Alan and I have created an incentive program to increase sales. Michael: Hey, hey how is Alan? Tell Alan that the Mets suck! Okay? From me, big time. Go Pirates! Jan: I'm not going to do that Michael. Michael: Okay Jan: We've created an incentive program to increase sales. Michael: Uh, huh. Jan: At the end of the month you can reward your top seller with a prize worth up to a thousand dollars. Michael: Whoa. Howdy-ho. Wow, a thousand big ones. That's cool. Do I uh, do I get to pick the prize? Jan: Uh, yes. Yes you can. Michael: Um, question: Does top salesman include uh, people who were at one time such outstanding salesman that've been promoted to... Jan: No, Michael. No. You can't win this prize. Michael: I didn't mean me! Michael: Well, first what we have to do is find out what motivates people more than anything else. Dwight: Sex. Michael: It's illegal. Can't do that. Next best thing. Dwight: Torture. Michael: Tah, come on Dwight. Just help me out here. That's just stupid. Pam: Uh, Michael? Michael: Pam! Pam: Hey, there's a... Michael: Burger with cheese! Pam: There's a person here... Michael: And fries! Pam: There's... Michael: And shake! What? Go ahead. Pam: There's a person here who wants to sell handbags. Michael: No, no, no. No vendors in the office. That is a distraction. Pam: Okay, I told her you'd talk to her. Michael: Pam. Pam. Come on, I'm busy. So just tell her to go away. Pam: Okay. Michael: [exhales loudly, looks out window and sees Katy] Oooh, alright I'll talk to her. Katy: This one is hand embroidered. Michael: All right girls break it up, you're being infiltrated. Cock in the henhouse. Dwight: Cocks in the henhouse. Michael: Don't say cocks. Oh, what is your name, my fair lass? Katy: Katy. Michael: Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0. Michael: Oh, look. Oh hey, no catfights you two. I'm against violence in the workplace. Dwight: So am I. Michael: Nobody cares what you think. Dwight: Doesn't matter. Michael: So uh, you know what? I usually don't allow solicitors in the office but today I am going to break some rules, and you can have the conference room. It's yours. All day. Katy: Wow, thanks. Pam: There's an HR meeting in there at 11:30. Michael: Well, lets put 'em in the hallway. Give 'em some chairs. Right? Decisiveness. One of the keys to success according to Small Businessman. Michael: I do. I read Small Business man. I also uh, subscribe to USA Today and American Way Magazine, that's the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts and where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix. Illuminating. Michael: This is my conference room. So please, uh, make yourself at home. Whatever you need, I'm right on the other side of this wall. [knocks on wall] used to be a window here. There's not anymore. So, that's where I will be. Michael: So if you need anything else, something to make you more confortable just don't hesitate to ask. I'm right here. Katy: I guess a cup of coffee would be great. Michael: Wait a second. I should have spotted another addict. Uh, gotta love the 'bucks. Katy: What? Michael: It's like a slang for Starbucks. They're all over the place. Oh, man, that place is like the promised land to me. What a business model too. Ah, too bad we don't have the good stuff here. Katy: Regular coffee is fine. Michael: Nah, it's not. it's spppplllibbb Katy: No really it is. Michael: No, here's the thing. Y'know I do my best to be my own man and go by the beat of a different drummer and nobody gets me, and they're always putting up walls and I'm always tearing 'em down, just breakin' down barriers, that's what I do all day. So a coffee, regular coffee for you. High test, or unleaded? Katy: Bring it on. Michael: Oh. Woo, I will. I will bring it on. Ah, all right. Kevin: So are you jealous 'cause there's another girl around? Pam: No. Kevin: She's prettier than you though. Pam: That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin. Kevin: [nods] Katy: So do you like the periwinkle and the purples? Dwight: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies. Michael: [handing Katy a mug of coffee] There ya go. Nice steaming cup o'joe. Katy: Thank you. Michael: I have an idea. Why don't I introduce you around, you know you can kind of get your foot in the door, meet potential clientele, right? Katy: Gosh, I would love to but, my purses, I should, um... Michael: Oh, um, well, we could have Ryan take a look. Ryan, would you look after the purses, please? Ryan: I'm installing File Share on all the computers. Michael: Yeah, well, bladdy-bluda-blah-blah. Techno-babble. Just do it, okay. We have company. Right? Michael: You should sell a lot here because this branch made over a million dollars last year. Not that we're all millionaires. I'm probably closest. So here's Oscar. Oscar, this is Katy. Oscar: I'm on the phone. Michael: Oooh-ooh. Oscar the grouch. Right? I thought of that. Katy: That was on Sesame Street. Michael: I know. I know. I made the connection. Can you believe he'd never heard that before he worked here? Katy: No, I don't believe that. Michael: I know, it's unbelievable. Pam: It's nice having Katy around. It's another person for Michael to um, interact with. Michael: Here is Toby from Human Resources. Katy, Toby. Katy: Hi Toby: Hi, nice to meet you. Michael: Toby, Katy. Toby: Hey, um did you go to uh, Bishop O'Hara? Katy: Yeah. Toby: Yeah, me too. Katy: Cool. What year were you there? Toby: Eighty-nine. Michael: Toby's divorced. He uh, guh recently, right? Toby: Yeah. Michael: You and your wife, and you have kids. Toby: A girl. Michael: Oh that so - that was really messy. He slept one night in your car too? Toby: [looks resigned] Katy: I should probably get back to my table. Michael: Okay. Alright. Cool. See ya in a bit. [looks at picture on Toby's desk] Oh, she's cute. Cutie-pie. Back to work. Michael: I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike. Roy: Hey, Jimmy what do you think of that little purse girl, huh? Jim: Cute, sure, yeah. Roy: Why don't you get on that? Jim: She's not really my type. Roy: What are you gay? Jim: Hmmm, I don't think so. Nope. Kevin: What is your type? Jim: [glances at Pam] Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really. Roy: That's disgusting. Kevin: Stay away from my mom. Jim: Too late, Kev. Roy: [Katy walks through breakroom] Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam. Pam: We're not dating, we're engaged. Roy: Engaged, yeah. Jim: Pam and I are good buddies. I'm sort of Pam's go-to guy for her problems. You know with stuff like work, or uh, her fiance Roy. Or uh... Nope, those are pretty much her only two problems. Jim: She'd be perfect for you. Dwight: Hmmm... she's been talking to Michael a lot. Jim: So, what? You're Assistant Regional Manager. Dwight: Assistant to the Regional Manager. Jim: Well, you know what Dwight? He's your work boss, okay? He is not your relationship boss. Dwight: That's true. Jim: Plus you have so much more to talk to this girl about, You're both um, salesmen. I mean that's something right there. Dwight: True. Plus I can talk to her about the origins of my last name. Jim: It's all gold. Katy: Guys are usually my best customers, they buy the high end stuff like the beads and the sequins and stuff. For gifts, you know? They don't know what they are looking at. So I make suggestions. Jim: Alright. Here's the thing okay, you just keep talking to her. If you hit a stall you have a perfect fall back. Dwight: What's that? Jim: You buy a purse. Dwight: I don't want a purse. Purses are for girls. Jim: Dwight, that's not necessarily true. Do you read GQ? Dwight: No. Jim: Okay, I do. There like mini briefcases, alright? Lots of guys have them. Dwight: Like those? Jim: Yes. Listen, you are spending way too much time talking to me, when you could be talking to her. Dwight: Okay, I'm just going to use the bathroom, and then I'm going... Jim: No. You don't need the bathroom. You've got it. Go. Jim: Okay, shhhh stop... stop whatever you're doing because this is going to be good. Pam: [smiles] Jim: [mimicing Dwight in high-falsetto voice] Hi my name's Dwight Schrute and I would like to buy a purse from you. Good lord, look at these purses! This is something special. Oh my God is this Salvatore Di-chini-asta? Pam: [mimicing Katy] Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that. Jim: Yes, well I want to stress test it. You know, in case anything happens. Pam: Oh! Jim: Oh! That was really. [Dwight hits purse against table] This is necessary to do to really give it a good workout. This is the ooooh... This is the prettiest one of all. Pam: Oh... Jim: I'm going to be the prettiest girl in the ball. Oh, how much? Pam: Oh, God. It's sad. It's so sad. Jim: [whispering] Here he comes, shhh... Jim: [gives Dwight a thumbs-up - mouths the word] Good. Pam: [smiles in agreement] Jim: He did pick a good one. Pam: You're horrible. Katy: This one's really good for a hot date. Pam: Yeah, what's that? Katy: [laughs] Pam: I'm engaged. So... Katy: Congratulations. You need a hot date more than anyone. Pam: I wished, right? Michael: Giggle-giggle, juji-juji, I get it, I get it. Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood over here right? [to Katy] So how's that uh, coffee from earlier? Katy: Good. Michael: Ah, I knew it. Guzzled it down. You greedy little thing. So, uh, Pam is this your lunch break, or was that earlier when you were eating in the kitchen with those guys? Katy: [whispers] Sorry. Michael: Busted. Katy: [to Pam] Come back... Michael: Oh hey, I want to show you something. Come here I want to show you something. I know you are going to like this. Picked it up today. A thousand big ones. Katy: Is that from Starbucks? Michael: Yes. This is a Starbucks digital barista. This is the mack daddy of espresso makers. Katy: Wow. Is that for the office? Michael: Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you! Katy: I wouldn't think of it. Michael: Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. It's a drug. It is quite literally a drug that speeds people up. It's not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the eighties before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Guh. Man, did they move paper! Michael: [Katy reading text message on her phone] Oh the rotating um, steam wand. [Katy looks annoyed] What? What's the matter? Katy: Oh, nothing. My ride just bailed on me. Michael: Oh, oh! God. I'm sorry. Is there...? Katy: Oh no, it's um... Michael: Where you going? Nearby? Because I can give you a ride. Katy: No... Michael: Seriously. No, really. Katy: No. I really don't want to inconvenience you. Michael: God! No, no, no, no. No inconvenience. I mean I'm out of here at five sharp. Katy: At five? Michael: I can go earlier. 'Cause I'm the boss. You know, whatever. I'm out of here slaves. Katy: Okay. Michael: What? Katy: Okay, I guess that would be, I guess that would be okay. Michael: Okay. Sounds good. Sounds good. Five o'clock sharp. I will give you and your purses a ride home. Katy: Okay. Cool. Michael: Excellent. Katy: Cool. Michael: Great. Cool. Cool. [takes deep breath - looks at camera] Yeah, okay. Michael: I should have never let the Temp touch this thing. I had all these great icons and now I have four folders. So.. Dwight: It's actually better this way. Michael: No it's not. Because I could just click on the icon and then I'm onto- Dwight: Michael could I ask you something? I wanted to ask your permission to ask out Katy. I know it's against the rules and everything. Because... Michael: No, no, no it's not against the rules. She's not a permanent employee so it's not. Dwight: Thank you, Michael. I appreciate this so much. Michael: But I think you should just know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later. Dwight: What? Michael: She asked me for a ride and so I am going to give her a ride home. Dwight: Is that all it is? Just a ride home? Like a taxicab? Michael: Well, might be a ride home. Might be a ride home and we stop for coffee and dot-dot-dot... Dwight: Please. Please, I am your inferior and I'm asking you this favor. Can you promise me that it will just be a ride home? Michael: No. I cannot promise you that. Dwight: You cannot promise me, or you won't promise me? Michael: Listen, Dwight. Dwight: Do you love her? Michael: [laughs] Dwight, no. I don't know. It's too early to tell. I don't know how I feel. [Dwight sadly looks away] Katy: I think you've made a really good choice, she's really going to like that. Stanley: Hmmm... Michael: Espresso? Katy: Oh, thank you. Michael: You're welcome. Thank you. Hmmm-hmm-hmm. Stanley: Is that from the machine that was in your office? Michael: Ummm-hmmm... Stanley: I thought that was the incentive prize for the top salesperson. Michael: Very easy to clean. Michael: Okay. Like he's going to win anyway, right? [laughs] Michael: Did we get any mail? Pam: Yeah, I gave it to you. Michael: Yes you did. Yes, you did. Just checkin'. Just checkin', double checkin', checkin' on the check. Thoroughness is very important in an office and... Pam: So, can I..? [points to the door] Michael: Yeah, yeah, of course. Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons? Jim: A futon? Pam: [nods] Jim: He's a grown man Pam: That's what he said. Jim: That's sad. Or it's innovative. Well, you know the futon is a bed and couch all rolled into one. [Jim sees Roy and trails off] Roy: What's up? Pam: [not looking at Roy] Hi. Roy: Are you still mad at me? Pam: Roy... Roy: Come on [begins to tickle Pam] Pam: Cut it out. Roy: Come on, you mad at me? Pam: Stop it. [laughing] Roy: Are you still mad at me now? Pam: [giggling] Cut it out. Roy: Are you mad at me now? Pam: Stop. [giggling] Roy: Huh? huh? Come on... Come on, Pammy I was just kidding. Pam: [breathless] Stop, I can't breathe. Roy: I was just kidding. You know I didn't mean it. I can't... Pam: Jim is a great guy. He's like a brother to me. We're like best friends in the office and I really hope he finds someone. Katy: You seem to like to touch things. Did you try the velvet? Angela: I don't like to necessarily touch things. I'm just... I'm shopping. Katy: Oh no, it's fine that you, um. Here, what about the raspberry one? It's really uh, kind of festive. It's got a lot of personality. Angela: Yeah, uh no. Dwight: Hey, how's it going? Good. Can I talk to you for a second? In private? Katy: I don't think so I'm really busy. Dwight: It will just take a second. Katy: I can't. Dwight: Just for a minute. Katy: I really can't. Dwight: Please? I wanted to talk to you in private because I wanted to ask you out on a date. Katy: No. Dwight: Ok was that no to talking to me in private, or was that no to the date? Katy: Both. Katy: What colors do you like? Angela: Gray. Dark Gray. Charcoal. Michael: Ryan. Ryan: Yeah. Michael: Would you like to help me with a special project? Ryan: I would love to. Michael: Alright. Michael: [in Michael's car] Okay, just throw out all the empties. Ryan: You don't want to recycle them? Michael: Um, yes. Throw them away in the recycling bin. Ryan: Do you want this? [holding a full bottle of water] Michael: No. Ryan: What about this bottle of power drink? Michael: Uh, what flavor? Ryan: Blue. Michael: Blue's not a flavor. Ryan: It says flavor: Blue Blast. Michael: Oh, Blue Blast. Yes, put that in the trunk, and there should be an unopened Arctic Chill back there. I want that in the passengers cupholder. Thank you. Jim: Hi. Katy: Hi. Jim: I'm Jim, by the way. Katy: I'm Katy. Jim: Hi Katy, nice to meet you. Katy: You sit out there, don't you? Jim: I do. That's what I'm best known for. Sitting out there. Alright, let's talk about purses. Katy: Okay, um... Jim: Katy but you know what, don't try to sell me one. Okay, seriously 'cause I'm just here to learn. Katy: Okay. [laughs] Jim: Okay, so I know about most of these, but you know you can... Katy: Okay. Michael: What, stop! Whoa! That's my Drakkar Noir. Ryan: No, this is Rite Aid Night Swept. Michael: No, it is a perfect smell-alike. I'm not paying for the label. Right here. Give it. Ryan: Well, it's empty. Michael: Not it's not, there's some in the straw. [Michael opens bottle and wipes straw along his neck] There, now you may throw it out. Ryan: Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat? Michael: That's over several months, Ryan. Ryan: [Under his breath] Still. Jim: What's up? Pam: I'm bored. Jim: Thank you for choosing me. Pam: No, I'm kidding. Um, so you got big plans this weekend? Jim: Ah, well I think I'm gonna see Katy. Pam: Really? Jim: Yeah. Pam: What are you guys going to do? Jim: Oh, man I don't know. Uh, dinner, drinks, movie, matching tattoos. Pam: That's great. Jim: And stuff... yeah. Pam: That's cool. Jim: What are you doing? Pam: I, I was gonna say, I think that um, we're gonna help Roy's cousin move. Jim: Okay. Pam: Cause Roy's got a truck. Jim: That's cool. Pam: Uh, huh. Yes. Jim: That is cool. Well, I'll see you Monday though, right? Pam: Great. Jim: Okay. Pam: Okay, I'm gonna head back. Jim: Alright. Michael: I think in order to be a ladies man, it's imperative that people don't know you're a ladies man, so I kind of play that close to the chest. I don't know, what can I say? Women are attracted to power. And I think other people have told me that I have a very symmetrical face. [laughs] I don't know. I don't know. Maybe they're right? I don't know. Michael: Sure you don't want me to help you with that? Cause I can grab that no problem. Katy: Goodnight, it was nice nice to meet some of you. Michael: See you later. Goodnight. Goodnight, Jim. Jim: Goodnight, Michael. Michael: Where you going? Jim: I don't know. Grab a drink, I think? Michael: With us? Katy: I uh, I probably should have told you, I don't need a ride now 'cause Jim can take me home after so you're off the hook. Michael: Okay. Great. Off the hook. Excellent. Okay, cool. Jim: I got this. [taking Katy's bag from Michael] Michael: Alright, have fun. Katy: Thanks. Jim: I got it. Michael: Don't drink and drive. Michael: Take it easy. Jim: Have a good night. Michael: You too, have a good night. Katy: You got that? Jim: Oh, yeah. You sold a lot, so it's lighter. Katy: Good. Here. Squeeze it inside. Jim: Alright now, I'm gonna warn you. Don't freak out, okay? Katy: Why? Jim: This is a really nice car. In case you haven't noticed, this is a Corolla. Okay. Katy: It's a... it's a very nice car. Jim: You're not going to freak out? Michael: Do I have a special someone? Uh well, yeah of course. A bunch of 'em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick-up in a bar, and these people? I'd pick them every time. Because with them, it is an everyday stand and I still know their names in the morning. Dwight: The perfect girl for me would be Konikotaka. She has the most amazing story. She was orphaned at age 10 when both her parents were assassinated, and she was taken in by a wealthy, but very cruel, businessman. So she practiced aikido in secret for years until she could avenge the death of her parents. She's also a survivor of monster rape. Dwight: This is really well made. Good stitching. Excellent fabric. [shakes the purse from side to side by it's handle] You sell a lot of these? Katy: It's very popular, yeah. Dwight: I knew it. Is it waterproof? Katy: I'm not sure. It's faux snakeskin. Dwight: Snakes are waterproof. So, I'm betting that it's waterproof. Do you know the difference between a snake and an eel? Katy: No. Dwight: Cause I could look it up real easily. Katy: You're really into reptiles, huh? Dwight: My belt's made out of alligator. Check it out. [lifts shirt] Katy: Oh, um, it's okay. Michael: Dwight. Dwight. Dwight! Okay, that's it. Keep it in your pants. Dwight: I was just showing her my belt. Michael: Well, don't do that. Where are your glasses? Dwight: I... Michael: He wears glasses. Did you know that? Dwight: Not all the time. Michael: Well, now suddenly he can see. [laughs] Okay, take off. See ya. Bye-bye. [gives coffee to Katy] There you go steaming hot cup of joe. Katy: Thank you. Michael: Oh, I know your hero. Yeah, saving you from Animal Planet Jack over there. [laughs] Katy: Ha. Yeah, asks a lot of questions. Michael: Yeah, yeah he is the worst. Michael: What's the um, saying, 'once their laughing they're... that's... Once they're laughing that's 50 percent of them being horizontal. So, not that I'm just... Not that that's my... that's what I'm trying to do, but I think it helps kind of melts the ice. Breaks the ice, melts... Breaks the ice and melts them. Melts their hearts. Michael: Thank you, Al Gore... for the Internet. Can send messages from one side the global to the other in the blink of an eye. Can you believe we couldn't do that ten years ago? Katy: We could do that ten years ago. Michael: Right, but 20 years ago we couldn't and that is amazing. Here's Toby from Human Resources. This is Katy. Toby, Katy. Toby: Hi. Katy: Hi. Toby: Hey, did you go to Bishop Ohara? Katy: Yeah. Toby: Yeah, me too. Katy: Cool, what year where you there? Toby: 89 Katy: Oh. Michael: [talking over Toby and Katy] Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids right? That'll damage ya. Sorry man. That's uh, that's a bad one. How much you paying her? What can, you can't even afford anything now, right? You're all right though, right? Don't ask me for a raise. [laughs] Cup of Soup's a good idea though. That'll... that's a good budgetary thing to do. Toby: It's just a snack. Michael: Well, they're good snacks. They're good food, good meals, good lunch. Roman noodles are good too. You still sleepin' in the car? Toby: No. Michael: Cause he slept in the car a couple times. Toby: Just the once. Michael: Are you still taking the antidepressants? 'Cause it was a good idea. 'Cause it'll help. It'll help, man. Katy: I'm gonna go back to my table. Michael: Okay. I'll see you in a bit. [whispering] She's pretty cute isn't she? See you in a bit. Ryan: I mean whatever one you want. Kelly: Um, I like that one I think. [Ryan hands her a purse] Ryan: Yeah, I mean, it looks real good, probably. Pam: You know Michael's been talking to her too. Jim: Oh, really? Pam: What do you think his chances are? Jim: Well, Pam I'm not gonna lie to you, he's chances are none. Um, he's 41 years old, he is losing his hair and his cell phone ring is 'Mambo #5.' So... Pam: [laughs] I like that song. Jim: I don't know though. I mean, you know that was a hit. Pam: [laughs] 10 years ago. Jim: Yeah, was it 10? Yeah, I have it on a mix tape from junior high. Jim: Went well? Dwight: I think it did. Jim: You know what, just in case she's looking you should put some stuff in it. Dwight: Seriously? Jim: Anything. [Dwight begins to fill his new purse] Good. Yup. Dwight: What else? Jim: Post-it Notes. Wow, that purse holds a lot. Dwight: It's a mini-briefcase. Jim: Yeah, oh, I know. Looks great. [Dwight throws the purse over his right shoulder and gets back to work] Kevin: Do you like Steve Miller? Katy: No. Kevin: Cause I'm in a Steve Miller Tribute... Tribute Band. Jim: Hey, Dwight. I need your stapler. Dwight: It's in my purse. Jim: Oh, great thanks. Dwight: Let me describe the perfect date. I take her out to a nice dinner. She looks amazing. Some guy tries to hit on her. Uh, now he wants to fight. So I grab him. I throw him into a jukebox. Then the other ninja's got a knife. He comes at me. We grapple. I turn his knife on him. Blood on the dance floor. She's scared now, I take her home. I'm holding her in my arms. I reach in for a kiss. I hear something in the leaves. I flip her around. She gets a poison arrow right in her back. She was in on it the whole time. But, I knew. Michael: All right. That's looking good. Hey um, Ryan do you have any music I can borrow. Ryan: What kind do you like? Michael: Ah, I know, everything really. I love it all. I love music. Ryan: Okay, do you like hip-hop? Do you like indie rock? Michael: Yes, I love both of those so much. A lot of 'em. Ryan: Okay. Do you like The Strokes? Michael: Mmm hmm. I like 'em. Ryan: Do you like The Hives? Michael: Yes. God. They're awesome. Ryan: You like the Fleebulls, The Glorps? Michael: Uh huh. Yup. That last thing they did was great. Ryan: Yeah, I had a feeling you would like those. Michael: Cool, so maybe hook me up with some Fleebulls and some Hive. Ryan: Absolutely. Michael: All right. This is gonna be good. Dwight: Hi, here you can have this. [Dwight gives Kelly his purse] It's a mini-briefcase, but you can use it as a purse. Kelly: Uh, thank you.

Michael: Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin. [holds up a trophy of a business man] And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Meredith or Kevin, I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, 'Hey, did you get an award?' And the neighbor will say, 'No man. I mean, I slave all day and nobody notices me.' Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So... Jim: So, you ready for the... the Dundies? Pam: Ugh... Pam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you. Michael: [in a Fat Albert voice] Hey hey hey! It's Fat Halpert. Jim: What? Michael: [in Fat Albert voice] Fat Halpert. [in normal voice] Jim Halpert. Michael: So why don't I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners. We got Fat Jim Halpert here. Jim, why don't you show of your Dundies to the camera? Jim: Oh, I can't because I keep them hidden. I don't want to look at them and get cocky. Michael: Oh, that's a good idea. Dwight: Mine are at home in a display case above my bed. Michael: Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends. Michael: T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say 'Don't go there' but that's... lame. Michael: And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundie all-star, aren't you Stan? Why don't you, ah, show them some of your bling. Stanley: I don't know where they are, I think I threw them out. Michael: Oh, no you di-int. Stanley: I think I did. Michael: W-why did you... Stanley: Say, we got to order some more apa-teezers this time. We ran out last year, remember? Michael: Yes we should. I... you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, [turns to Kevin] someone had eaten all of them. Michael: [in video] To Oscar Martinez it's the 'Show Me the Money' award! Yeah! Pam: Michael has taped Oscar: [in video] That's supposed to be confidential. Michael: [in video] He has the award-ah! ...it's a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight! Michael: [singing along to tune on video] A little bit of Paaam, all night long, a little bit of Angela on the thing... Michael: [in video]...a little bit of Phyllis everywhere... Pam: Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great. Michael: [on video] ...a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers... ...a little bit of Jim with some ribs, a little bit of... Kelly: It was you. Phyllis: Live and learn. Pam: [quietly laughing] It wasn't. I swear. Kelly: Yeah, it was. Dwight: So, what's the joke? You're not perfect either. Pam: We're not laughing at you, Dwight. Dwight: So who are we laughing at? Pam: Um, just something somebody wrote. Dwight: Who? Dave Barry? Kelly: [laughing] No. No, just something that was written in the ladies' room wall. Dwight: What is it? Who wrote it? Pam: Um, it's kind of private. Phyllis: [whispering] It's about Michael. Dwight: That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less. Pam: Okay, now I'm laughing at you. Michael: [talking to the speakerphone] Will her highness, Jan Levinson-Gould, be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton? Jan: [on speaker phone] It's a, it's, it's a two and a half hour drive from New York, Michael. Michael: Well, you could take the bus. You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home. Jan: No. Michael: Wuh... Come on, Jan. This is important. I mean, this is, this is, validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this. So... Jan: No, we don't approve of this Michael. I mean, y-you only had the budget for one office party a year, so... we're not paying for this. Michael: Um... Michael: [to camera] Could you...? Jan: Are you there Michael? Michael: Yeah, I'm here, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you for a second about that. Michael: Um, what, ah, what is, I mean... Michael: ...come on, Jan! Michael: You're dropping an A-Bomb on me here. Jan: Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you? Michael: Well, yeah, I mean, what is... Jan: You already had a party on May 5th for no reason. Michael: No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party... Jan: And you had a luau... Michael: ...it happens once every billion years. Jan: And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money. Michael: Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N. Jan: Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn't even make sense. Michael: Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage. Michael: This is a little character I like to do [places a green turban with a yellow feather on his head], it is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson's classic characters. [puts an envelope to his head] Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. [tears open envelope and pulls out card] 'Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin.' Here's the problem. There's no open bar because of Jan and it's the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk. Phyllis: Dwight, get out of here!! Dwight: No, no, no, no... Phyllis: What were you doing in the ladies room?! Dwight: ...no, no, no, no, it's not what you think. Phyllis: Why were you peering over the stalls?! Dwight: No, why were you in there?! Phyllis: You are a pervert! Dwight: What were you doing in there? Phyllis: You, are, a pervert! Dwight: I am not. Michael: [in video] The Dundie award for 'Longest Engagement' goes to Pam Beesley. Michael: Pam, everybody! [starts clapping] Michael: Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? That's what I have to say. Ah, Roy's accepting. Roy: [on video] Yes. Michael: [on video] Thank you Roy. Are there any words you'd like to say, on Pam's behalf? Roy: [on video] Ah, w-we'll see you next year. Michael: [on video] Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God! Michael: I'm not changing that, it's the best one. Jim: No, it's hilarious, you're right. I just think, um, 'world's longest engagement', um, we're all expecting it, you know? Michael: That's why it's funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married, it gets funnier. Jim: Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy. Michael: Oh, [taking it to heart] lazy. Uh huh. Dwight: Excuse me, everyone, could I have your attention please. I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies room for a reason. And if you cannot behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom. Pam: You're taking away our bathroom? Dwight: We are going to have two men's rooms. Phyllis: But where would we...go? Dwight: Be prepared to hold folks [Michael comes out of his office] From 9 am to... Pam: Michael... Michael: Yes. Pam: ...Dwight is banning us from our bathroom. Michael: Okay, well, that's just ridiculous, so just don't, I-I don't have time for this right now. Dwight: Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions... Michael: Just don't, don't talk- Dwight: ...for people's behavior. Michael: Don't talk- Dwight: And it's- Michael: Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!! Michael: Okay, look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around about the Dundies this year. How there is no money, and how there is no food, and how the jokes are really bad, but WHAT THE HELL EVERYBODY!? I mean, God. The Dundies are about the best, in every, one of us. Can't you see that? I mean, okay, we can do better. so, tonight, for the first time, we are inviting all of your friends and family to attend the awards with us. Dwight: [with a small fist pump] Yes! Michael: Yeah, not bad, right? So let's make this the best Dundies ever. Dwight: [clapping] Best Dundies ever. Dwight: Welcome to the eighth annual Dundies awards. Dwight: Before we get started, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short, I have wrap it up music, and I'm not afraid to use it. [points] Devon! Michael: The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it. You never had to work so hard and feel that no one notices you. You're just a name and number and no one even says hello.' [to Ryan] Card! Oscar: The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party, and you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there. But the kid's having a really good time, so you're, kind of there. That's-that's kind of what it's like. Michael: You down with The Dundies? You down with the Dundie-' Dwight: The waitress tripped on the cord. Michael: Alright, alright, joke landed. So we are here, thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie awards. [takes off sweater to reveal tuxedo] I am your host, Michael Scott. And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink! Kevin: [to waitress] Oh, just put these on the group tab. Michael: Nope, actually this year, ah, no group tab, we're going to be doing separate checks. Stanley: You said, we could bring our families. Michael: I did. And why didn't ya Stanley? Stanley: I did, my wife's name is Terri. Michael: Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Terri. Stanley: It's this person who's hand I'm holding Michael. Michael: [to Dwight, in a low voice] Shut it. [normal voice] Um, good. Speaking of relationships, of all, all way shapes and forms. Um, I was out on a very, very hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight. Dwight: Really? We don't have any girls from HR. Michael: No, that...for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy. Dwight: Yeah? Michael: And I was about to take her bra off... Dwight: Yeah! Michael: ...when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork- Dwight: Like an AIDS test? Michael: No! [under his breath] God. Michael: [clears throat] Alright, so let's get this party staaaarrrrted. Darryl: Hey let's go to Poor Richard's. Roy: Yeah, let's get out of here. Pam: Um... Michael: Um, guys, where you going? Pam, show's just getting started. Pam: Sorry. Ryan: You staying? Jim: Yeah, gotta eat somewhere. Michael: And now... to someone who quietly goes about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts... Michael: ...the 'Busiest Beaver' award goes to Phyllis Lapin. Michael: Yeah, way to go Phyllis. Nice work, per usual. Phyllis: This says 'Bushiest Beaver'. Michael: What? I told them busiest...idiots. Phyllis: It's, it's fine. Michael: Well, we'll fix it up. You don't have to display that. Pam: ...because that's what happens every time! Roy: ...talking about? He's a jackass every year. Pam: No. Roy: [Put's his hand on Pam's arm] Come on, we're going to Poor Richard's. Pam: [Breaks Roy's grip] No, I don't want to go, I don't want to. Roy: Pam. Go. Pam: If you would have asked me that, then you would know. Michael: [in a stereotypical oriental accent] Herro everybodeeee. I'm gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould. Jim: Hey! How are ya? I thought you left? Pam: Oh no, I just, I decided to stay. Jim: Oh! Pam: I'll just get a ride home from Angela. Jim: Oh. Pam: Oh good, I'm just in time for Ping. Jim: Yeah. Michael: [doing impression] Oh, dat wir be fwar. Ah, me so horny. Michael: Right? You know wat I'm talking 'bout. Pam: [to an off camera waiter and still clutching Jim's beer] Can I get a drink? Michael: This next award goes to somebody, who really, lights up the office. Michael: Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The 'Hottest in the Office' award goes to... ...Ryan the temp! Michael: Yeah. [singing to music] 'Hidy ho, you sexy thang. You sexy thang you.' Here you go. Ryan: What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I-I don't know what I'm going to do. That's the least of my...concerns right now. Michael: And the 'Tight Ass' award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has, a great caboose. So...come on down. Angela: No. Jim: [Pam starts sipping an empty glass] I think those might be empty. Pam: No, no. 'Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink! [laughs] Jim: Second drink? Michael: The 'Spicy Curry' award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor! Get on up here. Here you go. Kelly: Spicy Curry', what's that mean? Michael: Um, not everything means something, it's just a joke. Kelly: Yeah, but why'd you give it to me? Michael: I don't know, it's just... Kelly: This is a bowler- Michael: I know. It's ju- they didn't have any more businessmen. So... Kelly: Yeah, but everyone else- Michael: Just sit down Kelly. Michael: [sweaty and chugging water from a bottle] It's so freakin' hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man! I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room, but you do what you can do. [Music starts playing in the background] Here we go, he's early with the cue. Here we go. Michael: [Michael is singing to the tune of 'Tiny Dancer' by Elton John] 'You have won a tiny Dundie.' Guy at bar: Sing it Elton. Michael: Hey, thanks guys. Hey, where you guys from? Other Guy at Bar: We just came from yo' mama's house. Michael: Oh, alright, yeah. Guy At Bar: Sing 'em a song dude. Michael: Uh, you know what guys, we're just having a little office party, so if you want, uh... Michael: [Something flies by Michael] Hey, you know, cool it guys, really- Guy At Bar: You suck man! Michael: Let's cut it. [Dwight turns the music off] Michael: [clears throat] [with a lot less enthusiasm] I had a few more Dundies to, uh, give out tonight, but, I'm just going to cut it short. And wrap it up so everybody can enjoy their food. Um...thanks for listening, those who listened. [clears throat] This last Dundie is for Kevin, this is the 'Don't Go in There After Me' award. It's for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly. So... Michael: [give Kevin his award]There you go. Pam: Yay Kevin. Whoo hoo for Kevin! For stinking up the bathroom. Jim: [starts clapping] Yeah, alright Kev. Pam: Woo! Hey, I haven't gotten one yet! Jim: Yes, I have not gotten one either. So, keep going. Pam: More Dundies! Pam and Jim: [clapping] Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Everybody: Dundies! Dundies! Michael: [getting his spirit back] Alright, alright, alright, okay. Alright, we'll keep rolling. Okay, this is the fine work award. This goes to Stanley, for all the fine work he did this year. Pam: Fine work! Fine work Stanley! Michael: You know you did. Pam: Here here! Speech, speech, speech, speech [other people start joining in] Stanley: Well, well, last year, I got great work, so I don't... Stanley: So, I don't know what to think about this award. But at least I didn't get smelliest bowel movement like Kevin. [starts chuckling] Michael: And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesley... Michael: ...I think we all know what award Pam is going to be getting this year. Michael: It is the 'Whitest Sneakers' award! Because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on! Michael: Get on down here! Pam Beesley ladies and gentlemen! [Pam grabs the microphone from him] Oh, here we go. Pam: I have so many people to thank for this award. Pam: Okay, first off, my Keds. Because I couldn't have done it without them. [people clap] Thank you. Let's give Michael a round of applause for MC-ing tonight because [people start clapping again] this is a lot harder than it looks. And also because of Dwight too. Pam: Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie. Pam: And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WHOOOOOOOO!!!! Michael: Pam Beesley ladies and gentleman. [Pam hugs Michael and gives him a quick peck on the cheek] Oh! Thank you. Jim: What a great year for the Dundies. Jim: We got to see Ping. [Pam nods] And we learned of Michael's true feelings for Ryan. [Pam nods] Which was touching. And, we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs. [Pam nods] Which for me, has ruined them for life. [looks at Pam, who is staring at him, nodding] Jim: What? Pam: Nothing. Jim: Okay. Pam: What? Jim: I don't know, what? Jim: Oh my God! You are so drunk! Jim: Did you get that? Please tell me you got that. This is all going to be on. Dwight: Quick, quick, the woman is having a seizure. Grab her tongue, grab her tongue! It's okay, I'm a sheriff's deputy. Jim: He's a volunteer. Dwight: Don't get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush- Jim: Dwight come on, come- Dwight: It's okay, I'm going to use my shirt. Pam: Dwight, get off me! Employee: I'm sorry, you're gonna have to put your clothes back on, people are trying to eat. Dwight: [struggling] Ahh! I can't- Michael: Was this year's Dundies a success? Well, let's see, I made Pam laugh so hard, that she fell out of her chair, and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost. Pam: Oh my God! Jim: Whoa. Pam: I just want to say, that this was the best, Dundies, ever! WHOOOOOOOOO!!! Jim: Whoa. Jim: Whoa, careful, careful. Chili's Employee: We have a strict policy here not to over serve. Apparently, this young woman was sneaking drinks off other people's tables. I Xeroxed her driver's license and she is not welcome to this restaurant chain ever again. Michael: Great work tonight. Dwight: Watch your step. Michael: Excellent. Dwight: Thanks, I had to, uh, check her pupils to make sure there wasn't a concussion. Michael: Yes, that too, but I mean with the audio. Great work. Pam: I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall. Jim: No you don't. Jim: Oh, here she is. Careful, careful, whoa. Alright, easy. Almost there. Pam: Hey, um, can I ask you a question? Jim: Shoot. Pam: Um, I just wanted to say thanks. Jim: Not really a question. [starts to laugh] Okay, let's get you home, you're drunk. Jim: Alright. Pam: Bye. Jim: Goodnight, have a good night. Thank you Angela. Michael: TMI. Too much information. I used to say, 'Don't go there,' but that is so lame now. Or, 'You go, girl.' Or... Um, when did 'Where's the beef?' That was, like, a long, long time ago. It's funny how the shelf life of these things, like how long they last, like, 'Too much information' probably came on the scene... I mean, I didn't hear it till, like, this month, so it's pretty recently. Um, but you know, they're generally good for, like, no more than five or six years. Toby: Yes, that's true. I have never won a Dundie. I am more than okay with that. Kelly: I think I'm gonna share some Cadillac Fajitas with Toby. Toby is so cute, except he has that stupid kid. Angela: Yes, I'm the designated driver, which is very important. We need everyone to get home safely. [sighs] But no one ever gives me gas money, and people live all over. It's expensive. Dwight: [scoffs] Like a gaggle of geese... [jibbering mockingly] Michael: All right, we need something for Kevin. Jim: Mmm-hmmm. Michael: What do we know about him? He's an accountant. Jim: He plays guitar, he likes naval history. He's a bowler. Michael: [talking over Jim] He's fat. The fat accountant award. Jim: Well, you seem to have this under control. Jim: The weird part about this whole deal this that Michael truly believes that these awards are inspiring and motivational. I mean, he puts more effort and time and commitment into the Dundies than anything else he does all year. Which is probably why this branch will be downsized. Michael: I am the fat accountant. Dwight: Michael, I need to talk to you. Michael: Here he is. Dwight: I just thought that you might like to know that someone has written something about you on the ladies' room wall. Michael: Really? What did they say? 'For a good time, call Michael Scott'? Jim: Good one. Dwight: Uh, no, no. No, I think something bad, maybe. Michael: Why do you think that? You just immediately go to that, Dwight? Why are you so negative? Why... Dwight: Michael. Michael: I mean, you just come in and you're just negative... Dwight: Michael. Michael: ...and you just walk negatively. Michael: Do you want me to find out what it says? Michael: Yes. Dwight: By any means necessary? Michael: What does that even mean? What are you... What are you talking about? Dwight: It's the ladies' room. Michael: Just go and find out what it says and who said it and report back to me. But don't tell anybody that I have anything to do with it because if they ask me, I will say that you are crazy. Michael: Thank you. You won't regret this, Michael. Jim: What award would you like to give Dwight? Michael: I hadn't planned on including him. Jim: Okay. Michael: Kevin. Dwight: It hasn't always been easy being a whistleblower. When I was in school, the kids would call me a tattle-tale or a snitch or a worm. So I really identify with those women from Enron. I wrote them letters to tell them how much they inspired me, but they never wrote back. I guess they're all married. Dwight: Angela, it's simple. Just tell me what the bathroom wall says. Angela: I don't talk about what goes on in the restroom. Dwight: I'm not asking what you do in there. I just want to know what's written about Michael. Angela: I don't says those kinds of things out loud. It's inappropriate. Dwight: Okay, I'll talk. You nod if I get it right. Does it have to do with his butt or his wiener? Kevin: I think his characters are pretty funny. Especially Ping. Michael: Well, what should I do, guys? Seriously, do you want me to just cancel the Dundies? Kelly: No, we were just hoping you wouldn't do those characters, like last time. Michael: Ping? Everybody loves Ping. He's my most popular character. Oscar: I think many people find that character slightly racist. Michael: Really? Well, he is based on the Chinese delivery guy that I have, who talks exactly like that, so, I think you should take it up with him instead of me. Oscar: Look, I'm just saying that there are many people that are offered by your insensitive skits. Michael: [sighs] Well, neither of you are Chinese, so what... Why do you care? Phyllis: Dwight, get out of here! Dwight: No, no, no. Phyllis: You can't be in here! Dwight: It's not what you think. Phyllis: Shut up. You're a freak! Dwight: I'm on official business. Phyllis: You are... Dwight: This is Dunder Mifflin... Phyllis: I'm telling Michael. Dwight: No. Phyllis, you're not... Phyllis: I'm telling Michael. Dwight: Phyllis, no. No. Phyllis: Michael, Michael. Dwight: Phyllis, no, no. Do not listen to her. She's out of her mind. Phyllis: Dwight was in the ladies' room and he was looking at me. Michael: What? Dwight: That is not true. Phyllis: He was looking at me in the ladies' room. Dwight: That's totally unfair. I was just in the ladies' room in order to spy. Michael: Dwight, you've hit a new low here. Phyllis: That's what I said. He was spying in the ladies' room. Dwight: What do you think, Phyllis? You think I followed you in there? Like, 'Oh good. Phyllis is going to the bathroom, so maybe I get to see her naked from the waist down.' I'm not even attracted to you. Michael: That is a good point. Phyllis: Write him up or I'll take it to Jan. Michael: Okay, all right, I will do that. I will get to that definitely. Absolutely. Phyllis: When? Michael: Oh, I don't know. Maybe after I finish writing, producing, directing, and hosting your awards show. All right, just relax, keep your pants on. Unless, of course, you're in the bathroom and you should be able to take your pants off in that case without Creepsville Central spying on you. Good. Phyllis: All right. Dwight: All right, let's wrap it up. Come on, we're late. The Dundies are starting very soon. Accounting, let's go, let's go. Okay, I gave you fair warning. [turns off their computers] Out. Who's next, customer service? Meredith, let's roll. Michael: Here we go. [organizing his costumes] And that. [to waitress] Hey. How you doing? Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies? Dwight: Yeah, you know me. Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies? Dwight: The Dundies! Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies? You're all my homies Dwight: You know me. Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies? Dwight: Yeah, you know me. Michael: [singing] Yeah, all the homies Michael: I have listened to that song so many times and I still don't know what OPP stands for. Other people's... Something. I... [shakes head] Kevin: So, Pam, I wonder who's gonna get 'longest engagement' this year. Roy: Well. You're not goona get longest engagement, man, 'cause we got that locked up. Kevin: I wonder what I'll get. I brought my fiance. Michael: All right, our next award... ah, yes, this award goes to the most creative writing on the ladies' room wall, and the winner is... Who is it? Who wants to claim it? Shiny Dundie. Who wrote it? Great idea, Dwight. Toby: I'm just saying I don't think it's appropriate for you to have given Ryan that award. Michael: He's hot, all right? What do you want me to do about it? Toby: Okay, that is fine to feel, but not to act on. Michael: [sighing] It was unanimous, Toby. Toby: It wasn't a vote. You decided. Michael: Well, okay, I based it on what I felt was unanimous office sentiment, and this isn't even about what Ryan thinks. It's about you. It's about how you feel about the Dundies. Admit it. Toby: Okay, that is not true. Michael: Yes, it is true. Toby: Cause Ryan asked me to talk to you. Michael: Okay, I don't have time for this. I need to get on stage and you are breaking my concentration. [imitating Native chant] Me Chief Michael Scott. Here to trade... Dwight: Excuse me, Goldschlager, extra flakes. Waitress: We don't have that. You want a Presidente Margarita? Blue Pacific Margarita, El Nino... Dwight: No, no. No margarita. Hot sake. Waitress: [shakes head 'no'] Dwight: Fosters in the big can. Waitress: [shakes head 'no' again] Dwight: Just a chocolate shake, chocolate sprinkles. Dwight: Okay. No, no, no, no, no. Lie still, lie still. Pam: I am fine. Jim: Dwight, this is crazy. Pam: Okay. Dwight: Jim, not now! We need to cushion her head. Lie still. Please, Pam. Do not move. Jim: Dwight, Dwight. Dwight: I'm sorry. Pam: [laughing] I am fine. Dwight: Jim, don't interfere. Manager: You have to put your clothes back on. People are trying to eat. Pam: Oh, my God. Dwight: Can you give me a second, sir. Manager: No! Pam: Dwight, let me up. Manager: Put your clothes back on. Get, get right now. Dwight: I am a Sheriff's Deputy. Manager: That's fine. Dwight: I could have my men in here in a second and have you arrested. Jim: The other volunteers. Dwight: Pam, are you all right? Pam: I'm fine. Manager: Sir, sir. Dwight: How many fingers am I holding up? Pam: You're holding up three fingers. Dwight: All right. Are you okay? Manager: Put your clothes on, right now. Dwight: I will. I will. You need to calm down. Manager: Right now. Michael: Don't wanna forget that. Manager: You and your party really need to leave right now. Michael: Absolutely. Is this mine or is this Chili's? Manager: You know what? Don't worry about it. Michael: Keep it. My gift. [hugs Chili's Manager] Thank you. Have a good night. See you next year. Manager: That's fine.

Michael: [clears throat] Hey, what's up? Jim: Hey. Michael: Any emails today? Jim: Um... I don't think so. Michael: No? Um... Check your spam folder. Jim: Oh! There it is! Michael: What? Jim: Um... 'Fifty signs your priest might be Michael Jackson.' Michael: [laughs uncontrollably] Jim: Well done. Michael: Kay. Jim: Topical. Michael: I am king of forwards. It's how I like to do business, everybody joking around. We're like 'Friends'. I am Chandler and Joey and, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer. Dwight: So the monkey does the sex thing right here! [monkey noises in background] Michael: That's funny! That's funny. Not offensive. Uh... because it's nature. Educational. Dwight: Do you want the link because then you could forward it around? Michael: Um, I... Dwight: Consider it? Michael: Yeah... maybe. Maybe. Well, we'll see. Because I... I don't know if it's... [muffled by jacket over his head] Whup! Come on! Hey! Todd Packer: What has two thumbs and likes to bone your Mom? [points at self] This guy! Michael: Kay! Oh, you are so bad! Yeah! Todd Packer: [makes laser gun noises] Michael: Oh, Boom! Bam! Oh, this guy is out of control! He is a madman! Better get the bleep button ready for him. Todd Packer: bleep, bleep. What's up, Halpert? Michael: Uh oh. Todd Packer: Still queer? Michael: Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o! Michael: Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome. So... Michael: Oh-whoa-oh! Oh! Okay. Grade 'A' gossip for you, right now. Randall, CFO, resigned. Nobody knows why. Todd Packer: Are you kidding? Everyone knows why! You don't know? Okay, check this out. Al lright. So here's the story. So Randall is nailing his secretary, right? And she is totally incompetent. Michael: Really? Here we go! Buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy one! Todd Packer: We're talking blonde incompetent. Michael: Oh, yeah. Todd Packer: Like 10 words a minute... talking. Michael: Well, to be fair... blondes, brunettes, you know, there's a lot of dumb people out there. Todd Packer: They are women, right? Michael: Oh! Wow! I didn't say it! I didn't say it! Todd Packer: I said it. And then, suddenly, for no reason, this bimbo blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch. Michael: Oh, wow! What did I tell you about the bleep button. Jim: Hey, um... what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? [points at self] This guy! Todd Packer: Meant to ask you, can you think you can get someone to drive me around because of the, uh, DUI situation? Michael: Oh. Bad boy. [to Ryan] Um... Ryan? [makes Donald Duck noise] Todd Packer: [to Ryan] Come on, kid. Let's go. Michael: Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything. Jim: Except pass that breathalyzer. Ryan: You a big William Hung fan? Todd Packer: Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that? Kevin's computer: [monkey noises] Jim: I'm really excited to meet your Mom. Pam: You are? Pam: My Mom is coming in to visit. And she lives like two hours away. And she doesn't have a cell phone... which is cool cause it's kind of adding some suspense to my day. And I keep looking over at the door hoping she'll walk in. Pam: I've decided to show her around. She really wants to meet everybody. Jim: Oh yeah? Pam: mmhmm. Jim: Good. Cause I have a lot of questions. Pam: Oh really? Jim: Yeah. As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist? Michael: Hey, send me that link to the monkey sex video. I'm going to forward it like it's hot. Dwight: Yes! Michael: Forward it like it's hot. Forward it like it's hot. 'Old School'. Toby: Michael? Michael: Yes, Toby? Toby: Um... I need to talk to you in your office. It'll just take two seconds. Michael: Um... literally two seconds? Michael: Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced so he's really not a part of his family. Toby: The full story is that Randall resigned because of sexual harassment. So Corporate asked me to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy. Michael: No, no, Toby. No. Toby: It's really not a big deal, Michael. Michael: It is a big deal. It's a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on! Toby: And then Corporate is going to send in a lawyer... Michael: What? Toby: Just to refresh you... . Michael: NO! Toby: on our policy. Michael: What? He! No! Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious emails or not tell jokes? Toby: Maybe not some of them. Maybe not inappropriate ones. Michael: There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke. Michael: Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know you're all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day. [to Toby] So, take it away. Toby: Yeah, okay. Corporate would like us to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy so I'll go over that later. Michael: I wish you luck, Toby. I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands and I just can't wait to see how you handle it. Michael: A guy goes to a five dollar... lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says 'Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?' This is what's at stake. Michael: Time to bring out the big guns. I'm heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke that'll just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And remind them what is great about this place. So... ah! Here they are. [to Warehouse guys] Guys! Wondering if I could, uh, get your help for something. I'm looking for a new joke to tell and it needs to be just killer. And it does not need to be clean. So whatcha got? Darryl: Like a joke? A knock-knock joke? Michael: Um, yeah, no, well... I mean better. Better than that. The type of stuff you guys tell all day. Darryl: Well, [points at Michael] those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where'd you get em? Like Queers R Us? Roy: Boys R Us! Warehouse Guy: Oh! Michael: Alright, alright. Well, yeah, but, you know... a joke but not necessarily at my expense. Darryl: Man, we can see all your business coming around the corner, okay? You need to, you know, hide the... good thing you don't have a lot of business to start with. Michael: Oooh, okay. That was still about me. Roy: Hey, hey, hey. Michael: What? Roy: So you don't have the biggest package. Don't feel bad. Michael: I don't feel bad. Darryl: [fake whispers to Roy] I think he feels bad. Michael: No, I don't. Roy: You look like you feel bad. Michael: Okay. Roy: Little package! Michael: Well, not exactly what I was looking for but thanks guys. Warehouse guy: Little package! Little package! Michael: Thank you. Roy: You look good. Darryl: Hiding from his momma. Warehouse guys: [kissing noises, sheep baaing sounds] Toby: So remember, intent is irrelevant. And that's it. Pam? Pam: Um... I just wanted to say that... Just, my Mom's coming in today. Kevin: MILF! Pam: Thanks, Kevin. Pam: Usually the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everyone harasses me as a joke. Pam: She's coming in today and maybe just don't joke around about that stuff in front of her. Toby: Great point. Pam: Thank you. Toby: Um... in fact, basic rule of thumb, let's just act everyday like Pam's Mom's coming in. All right. That's it. Um... if anybody has any questions about anything, you know where I sit in the back. Michael: Hi, is it over? Toby: Uh, yes! Michael: No. Toby: I can go over it with you. Michael: I know, I know. It's good. It is not over. It is not over til it's over. Toby: It's over. Michael: Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn't because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we're losing? Seriously? Angela: Email forwards. Michael: Exactly! Mmwwah [blows kiss to Angela]! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that? Angela: I hate them. You send me these filthy emails and you say forward them to ten people or you'll have bad luck. Michael: Give me a break. Umm... Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we just going to take it away? Stanley: That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girls' school. I am taking it down right now. Meredith: Um... what about office romance? Toby: Office relationships are never a good idea. Yeah. So let's just try to avoid them. But, um, if you already have one, you should disclose it to HR. Phyllis: All relationships? Eh, even a one-night stand? Michael: I think the old honor system was just fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee. And, believe me, I could have. Dwight: Yeah, Meredith. Michael: No! No! Catherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was? Dwight: Yes. Michael: She would have definitely slept with me. Kevin: She wasn't that hot. Michael: Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin! Toby: Ok, you know, Michael... Jim: I'm in an office relationship. It's special. Um... she's nice. She's shy. She's actually here. You want to meet her? Hold on one second. Oh, my God! Put on a shirt! Put on a... . I told you that you'd be on camera. I'm sorry, she's European. No, I told you that you'd be on camera. Stop it. Michael: What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her 'partner' in to work? [to Toby] Would that be crossing the line? Toby: No. Michael: What if they made out? In front of everybody? Toby: Well, that would be... Michael: At home? And I told everybody everything about it. Toby: Okay, I'm lost. Michael: Okay. Well, then let's act it out. Pam, you will be girl A and girl B will be... Okay! We'll use the doll. Pam. Pam? Video: [Crossing the Line: Rules for the Modern Workplace] Michael: I wish Todd Packer was here because he would love this. I wonder if anybody else would like to do this. Hey! Um... we have to watch, uh, Toby's video that he's showing us in order to brainwash us and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Going to be fun. Got my great pizza. Whataya say? Jim? Jim: No, thanks. I'm good. Michael: That's what she said. Pam? Pam: Uh... my mother's coming. Michael: That's what she sai [clears throat] Nope, but... Okay. Well, suit yourself. Dwight: Hey, Toby. Toby: Hey Dwight. Dwight: You said that we could come to you if we had any questions. Toby: Sure. Dwight: Where is the clitoris? On a website, it said at the crest of the labia. What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like? Toby: Technically, I am in Human Resources. And Dwight was asking about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly. Toby: Yeah, maybe when you get really comfortable with each other, you can ask for that. Dwight: Good. Good. And... Toby: I should get back to work. Dwight: Okay. Man in Video: In today's fast-paced business climate, it can sometimes be hard to know when a comment or an action crosses the line. Let's take a look at a couple of scenarios and ask ourselves 'where is the line?' Video: [Scenario 1: The Natural Redhead] Roy: Natural redhead. Actor: Hey, Rach. Redheaded Actress: Hey, Joe. Mike. Actor: Hey, settle a bet. Are you a natural redhead? Darryl: Oh, Mi... ! Hey, stop the video! Michael, stop it right there! Stop it right there! That's that girl from that thing. [pointing at Redheaded Actress] I banged this girl right here. This is... Roy: That's her? Darryl: Yes, this is the one. Roy: No! Darryl: You remember? Yes! Roy: At the party? Warehouse guy: You banged her? Darryl: Yes! [to video screen] Right here. You are a naughty girl! Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Okay! Hypocrite! She is a hypocrite. That is such a scam! Okay. Jan: [to cell phone] Yes. Yes, I did. Okay. Well, we can talk about that later then. [to Pam] Hi. Michael: Okay, you are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that Corporate gave us... Darryl banged her! Aaand is about 90% sure. Todd Packer: Don't ever let this little bitch drive you around town. We got, uh, lost for half an hour. Pam: I don't have any DUI's so I can drive myself, but thanks. Todd Packer: Where is Michael Snot? Sniffing some dude's thong? Probably. Michael: So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley? I know a lot of lawyer jokes. Mr. O'Malley: I love lawyer jokes. Michael: Well, it's probably because you don't get 'em. Michael: When I said before that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another. Jan: You seem a little bit agitated, Michael. What's the problem? Michael: The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I can't say anything. Jan: Well, that... that's true in a way. You can't say anything. Michael: Where's the line? Where's the line, Jan. Jan: Do you need to see the video again, Michael? Michael: No, I've seen the video. Toby: [to Jan] He talked the whole time. Michael: No, I didn't. [to Jan] Huh, what? [everyone looks up at blow-up doll] Michael: Attention, everyone! Hello! Ah, yes! I just want you to know that, uh, this is not my decision, but from here on out... we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here we must only discuss work-associated things. And, uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer, ever, do any of those things. Jim: Does that include 'That's What She Said'? Michael: Mmmhmm. Yes. Jim: Wow! That is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so... Michael: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! Jan: Michael. MICHAEL! Michael: [laughing] Come on. Jan: Michael, please. Todd Packer: There he is. Michael: Mwah! [kisses hand and salutes office] Todd Packer: There he is. Good one. Michael: You would have done the same. You just didn't think of it first. Jan: Mike... Michael. Please. I... I... really. Michael: It's... That's... Jan: That's not my sense of humor. Michael: Okay. [to man entering office] Hello. [introduces] Jan. Mr. O'Malley. This is my lawyer, James P. Albiny. Jan: Wha... Michael: I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues. Albiny: [to camera] And motorcycle head injuries, worker's comp, and diet pill lawsuits. Michael: This guy does it all. Jan: [to Albiny] 'Scuse me, I'm sorry. [to Michael] Michael. Mr. O'Malley is your lawyer. Michael: What? Jan: Mr. O'Malley is our Corporate lawyer. We have him on retainer. To protect the company as well as upper level management, such as yourself. Michael: So I'm not in trouble? Michael: I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can't be too careful about what you say. Mo' money, mo' problems. Michael: Okay. Well, let's get you out of here, James. Um... I think we're under an hour still, so... Albiny: Yeah, but I did a lot of paperwork at home before I got here. Michael: I know. We'll talk about it later. Thanks for coming in. Pam's Mom: Um... hello. Pam: [ecstatic] Oh my god! Pam's Mom: Finally made it! Pam: Hello! Pam: I love my Mom. Okay. That's probably really the most obvious statement ever. Pam's Mom: This is all yours? Pam: Yeah. I'm in charge of this whole area. Pam's Mom: Oh, my goodness. That's great. Todd Packer: So a guy goes home, tells his wife, 'Honey. Pack your bags. I just won the lottery.' She goes, 'Oh my god! That's incredible! Where are we going?' He goes, 'I don't know where you're going, just be out of here by five!' [men laugh] Boom! Pam: This is where I used to keep my computer. Pam's Mom: Oh, right! I remember... Pam: But then I moved it. Pam's Mom: with the picture. Pam: Yeah, yeah, but I uh... I switched stuff around because I actually needed like more room for organization. So... Pam's Mom: Sure. Pam: So this is like, um, an organization station... Pam's Mom: [to Roy] Oooooh! Pam: Hey! Pam's Mom: Well, there he is! Roy: How are ya? Pam's Mom: Hi, handsome! Roy: You look great! Pam's Mom: Oh, thank you! So! We ready for dinner? Pam: Well, you know... actually, I kind of need to stall a bit. But, it's okay, because I am very used to killing time. Pam's Mom: Oh, I don't believe that. Roy: Okay, I'm going to go wait in the parking lot. And what kind of tunes you want for the ride? Little, uh, classical? Or oldies? Pam's Mom: Oh, anything is fine. Roy: All right, I'll see ya. Pam's Mom: So which one is Jim? Pam: Mom! Pam's Mom: I just wanted to know. Pam: No. Pam's Mom: All right. Okay. Pam: Ten minutes. Pam's Mom: Okay. Pam: Then we can go to dinner. Pam's Mom: I'll make myself busy. Todd Packer: There's this guy. He's at a Nymphomaniac Convention. And he is psyched 'cause all these women are smokin' hot perfect 10's, except for this one chick who looks a lot like, uh... [points at Phyllis] Kevin: Phyllis? Michael: No. No, no, no. That crosses the line. Todd Packer: Ex-squeeze me? Michael: Not you. Kevin. Just unwarranted. Hostile work environment, Kevin. Kevin: Packer said it. Michael: No. You said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look. Kevin, we are a family here and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother. Phyllis: I'm the same age as you, Michael. Michael: I don't know about that. Phyllis: We're in the same High School class. Michael: Well, I have a late birthday and usually September's a cut-off point. [to Kevin] You know what? You just crossed the line. Okay? There's a line and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner. Kevin: You mean where my desk is? Michael: Yes, your corner. Go. Kevin: Okay. I have a lot of work to do anyway. Michael: Mmmhmmm. Todd Packer: Oh my. They really got to you, didn't they? Michael: They didn't get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is incredibly, incredibly attractive person. [to Phyllis] C'mere, c'mere, c'mon! Come on! Come on. Phyllis: Michael! Come on! Michael: Oooh! Phyllis: You don't have to worry. I'm not going to... Michael: I'm not worried. Phyllis: ...report you to HR. Michael: You know what? The only thing I'm worried about... is getting a boner. Good work today, everybody. Michael: Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to. Pam: He said what? Michael: Good morning, Pam. Pam: Good morning, Michael. Michael: What's going on? Pam: Nothing. You look nice today. Michael: What? Pam: You look real thin. Michael: I don't get what you mean. Pam: You just... You look good. Your shirt looks... You look real good. Michael: Well, you said I looked thin, so what does... Does that mean I'm like thin weird or thin handsome or... [laughing] Pam: Thin handsome, Michael. Michael: Yes, well, of course. Of course. [laughing] Dwight: Wait, Jim, no! Don't drink directly from the can. Okay, I'm serious. It's all over the Internet. They use the same shipping company as a rat poison, and it gets on the can. [Jim takes a drink] Well, you're an idiot. Jim: What can I say, Dwight, I live a very dangerous life. Kevin: [Email chiming] [snickers] Did you see that? Oscar: I saw it. Kevin: You can see her... Angela: It's fake. Kevin: How do you know? Angela: She wouldn't do that. She's a Senator. Michael: Office romance. For example, Pam and I are dating, do we have to disclose that? Pam: We're not dating. Michael: No, but I'm saying hypothetically if we were dating... Pam: We're not dating, I'm engaged. Michael: Well, Roy is dead, and I ask you out. Pam: I would say no. Michael: You say yes, and we go out. Pam: I would drown myself. Michael: And now Roy and Pam are dead, and we have your stupid rules to blame, Toby. Michael: Toby actually gets alimony from his ex-wife because she makes more, so that's kind of embarrassing. Not that I'd mind, but it would never happen to me because I would make the marriage work. People seem to like him because they think he's one of us, but he's not. He's this weird loner who just tells people, 'Don't do this, don't do that. Hire this person for this reason.' I would complain about him, but who would I go to, to complain about Toby? Toby. Bias. And what does he do about that? Nothing. Because he's Toby. What kind of name is that? It's almost a girl's name. I think I've known more girls named Toby than guys. He just kind of makes my skin crawl a little bit. Toby is the devil. Toby's the devil. Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: I know we're having that harassment thing this afternoon. Jim: Yeah. Pam: Sometimes when we IM, I send you that little winking face with the lipstick. Jim: Yeah? Pam: Yeah. I realize that might be harassment. Jim: Yes, it is harassment and I'm going to be suing the winking face. I've hired the angry face as my lawyer and you will be hearing from him pretty soon. Pam: Okay. Jim: Okay. [IM chiming] [laughing]

Michael: I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms. Oh, breakfast. Ryan: I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit. Michael: Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan. Ryan: What was the thing, ah, you needed me to come in early for? Michael: Um. The sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. But thank you. And why don't you take a couple hours. The office is yours. 'Home Alone,' 'Risky Business.' Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you gotta do. Ryan: I'm just going to take a nap in my car until work starts. Michael: Ok. [Removes biscuit, leaving only sausage, egg and cheese.] Healthier. Gotta watch those carbs. Michael: Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner. Investing in real estate. Dwight: Diversifying. Smart. Michael: Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property and they'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you. Dwight: And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. People'd obey the law, there'd be less troublemakers. Michael: Maybe. Jim: [looks bored. Taps finger on desk. Head falls to desk] Pam: [laughs] Pam: Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today it was the expense reports that did him in. And our deal is that, it's up to me to revive him. Pam: You see Dwight's coffee mug? Jim: Mm-hmm. Pam: Sometimes when he's not here, I try to throw stuff in it. Jim: No way. Let's do this [crumples post it and throws into mug. Misses.] Oh. Pam: Here. Jim: Wind. Pam: Try paperclips. Oh wait. This message. For Dwight. Jim: Perfect. [misses] Pam: Oh. Jim: Oh. Dwight: You should go. Michael: Yes. Yes. Final walkthrough. Dwight: Uh huh. Michael: Sign the papers at the condo. Dwight: You have your lawyer there? Michael: Uh, I don't need one. Dwight: Can I be your representative? Michael: I don't need a representative. Dwight: I think I should be there. Michael: No, No. Dwight: I'm good. I can make sure things are up to code. Michael: No. Dwight. I'm fine. Dwight: Please, I'm always the guy you rely on at work. Michael: Well, this isn't about work. This is closing on a condo, it's completely personal. Dwight: So you're taking a personal day? Michael: Except that, this is about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work. Dwight: Please, I'll make you proud. Michael: Ok. Fine. Yes, you can come. Dwight: Yes! As your representative? Michael: As my associate. Dwight: Same thing. Michael: No it is not. Dwight: I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. Michael: Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies. Pam: You headed out? Michael: We are. Dwight and I are going to the big thing. So why don't you have everybody work on their expense reports and I'd like them in by the end of the day. Pam: Ok. Michael: Very good. Pam: Have a great time. Michael: We will. Um, did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines? Pam: Yeah, I changed them to your new address. Michael: Good. The Small Business Man? Pam: Yup. Michael: Maxim? American Way? Cracked? Pam: Yes, I changed your Cracked magazine subscription. Michael: How about, uh, Fine Arts? Aficionado Monthly? Pam: [shakes head] Michael: NO, well can you get on that, because I don't just read Cracked. Thank you. Pam: Yeah. Michael: Ok. See you soon. Dwight: What kind of shocks you got on this baby? Michael: I don't know, regular. Normal ones. Nothing fancy. Not my style. What are you doing? Dwight: [tries to open sun roof] I want to put the top down. Michael: What? No, Dwight. It's fifty degrees outside. Don't... please... Dwight: But then no one can see us. Michael: I... Just... Would you put it up? [roof opens] Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner. Dwight: Check it out. [points at sunglasses] Terminator. Michael: I do not understand what you spend your money on. Kevin: [paper football lands on desk] Ooh. Jim: Hey, Oscar, on these new expense reports, do we really have to go back to last quarter? Oscar: Yeah. It's a terrible system, I know. Jim: [points at paper on desk] What does 2005 season mean? Oscar: Eh. Jim: Wait a minute, what is this? Oscar: It's a scoreboard. Jim: What? Oscar: Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael's out. Jim: Really? Oscar: Yeah. Kevin: Or when we're bored. Jim: Oh my God! Wait, this goes back two years. Kevin: We're bored a lot. Jim: [flicks football onto Kevin's desk] OH! Kevin: Oh! Oscar: Sweet! Jim: Yes! So close. I really love the paper triangle flicking and hitting things game. Yeah. Kevin: We call it Hate Ball. Jim: Why? Kevin: Because of how much Angela hates it. Jim: Hey, do you guys have any other games? Kevin: Sometimes we play 'Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?' Angela: You Oscar: You should ask Toby to teach you Dunderball. Michael: Home, sweet home. Dwight: Which one's yours? Michael: Right there. My sanctuary. My party pad. Someday I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree. Push them back... wait... [turns around] no, it's this one, right here. Home, sweet home. Jim: [bounces ball off wall with Toby] So that's what this sound is all day. Carol: Michael, this is Bill. He's the head of the condo association. Michael: Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you, Bill. Bill. Mr. Bill. OHHH NOOO. MR. BILL. OHHH! SNL? When they pull him apart? He'd always get rolled over by something. Bill: Nice to meet you. Michael: Nice to meet you too. Dwight: This is smaller than your old place. Michael: Yeah, small. I'm buying it and I'm not renting it. So, it's still an upgrade. He doesn't know anything about property ownership. Kind of an idiot. Um. Dwight: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin, Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex. Carol: Are we ready to sign some papers? Dwight: Actually, no. We have a couple of questions, about the neighborhood. Bill: It's very safe. It's very clean. Also, it's very accepting of all lifestyles. Carol: It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood. Michael: Oh. Good. That's good. It's good to be accommodating of that. Dwight: Let's go check out the master bedroom. Jim: Stanley. Just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you, you got any games? Stanley: Yeah, I got a game. It's called 'work hard so my kids can go to college.' Jim: Fair enough. Michael: This, my friends, is the master bedroom. Check out the cathedral ceilings. Those are like seventeen feet high. We have cable readiness. [points at wall] Right there. I am going to totally pimp this place out. I am going to put a surround sound system. I am going to put a plasma screen right against this wall. Dwight: Oh. Terrible idea. Michael: I'm putting my bed right over here. Dwight: No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor. Totally smashed. Michael: Well, then I will get a warrantee. Dwight: Warrantees don't cover it, plus they're a rip-off. Michael: Well then I won't get a warrantee. Dwight: Shh Shh. Michael: So that's the problem, is solved. What? Dwight: Listen. [puts ear to wall] Can you hear that? Oh man. These babies are thin. Jim: [sings Olympic theme song] This scented candle ...andle ...andle. Which I found in the men's bathroom ...room ...room. Represents the eternal burning of competition. Or something. Kevin: It smells like cookies. Jim: Yes it does. Yes it does my friend. Ok, we will be competing for gold, silver and bronze yogurt lids. Pam: Now the bronze are really blue, and they're also the back side of the gold, so no flipping. K? Honor system. Angela: I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats. I play lots of games. Just not at work. Jim: Let the games begin. [sings Olympic theme] Carol: And then, I just need you to sign here at this arrow. Dwight: What kind of mortgage did you get? Michael: Uh... Ten year. Carol: Well, ten over thirty, so thirty year total. Michael: What? Wha? You said ten. Carol: Ten year fixed, over thirty. Thirty year total. Dwight: Ho, thirty years. Michael: Ok, ok, ok. Dwight: Wow, you'll be paying this off in your mid-seventies. Michael: Alright. Dwight: Forget about retiring when you're 65. Hey, I've got an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live. Michael: Ok. Alright. Oh boy. Dwight: Well, this is it. Carol: Whenever you're ready. Michael: Um. Oh. [moves stove burner] Oh, ok. Is that suppose to come off? Carol: Actually yes. Dwight: Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants. Michael: Um. I'm going to take a little breather for a second. Excuse me. Dwight: We'll be here waiting for you. Michael: Oh, man. Dwight: A thirty year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people. Carol: Whenever you're ready, Michael. Michael: Uh. [breathes deeply, head at knees] Jim: You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies. And I'm blanking on the name, can you help me out Pam? Pam: Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton. Jim: Hum. Pam: In English, box of paper snowshoe racing. Jim: Fair enough, but I like Flonkerton. Pam: The thing about Jim, is when he's excited about something, like the Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so that hardly ever happens. Jim: So, who will be challenging Kevin in Flonkerton? Anyone? Phyllis: I'll do it. Jim: Yes! Phyllis! [claps] Phyllis, just put your foot right through here [lifts strap on box of paper]. Right through the flonk. Michael: The ceilings are lower than they were last week. That, I don't... I don't... Carol: What? Michael: ...know if you showed me this same unit or not. Carol: Michael, this is the unit you saw and... Michael: Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles. Carol: Who told you that? Michael: As far as I can tell, I'm the best-looking person here. Michael: There's a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-looking person in the development. It's just sorta common sense, because if you are, then you've no place to go but down. Carol: Is this a financial thing? If it's a financial thing, what some people do is they rent out the third bedroom. Michael: No, no, no. Carol: That's some extra income for you. Michael: I am not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin. Carol: You will lose $7,000 if you walk away right now. Michael: Ehhhh... Michael: I made the right decision. I'm glad I signed. I'm a homeowner. Right? Good to be a homeowner. Diversifying. This is good. This is fun. We're having fun. Dwight: Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today? [laughs] Jim: Here we go. Here we go. Pam: Go! Go! Go! Oscar: Pair of shoes! Jim: Dig deep, dig deep! OHHHhhh! It's Phyllis! Pam: It's Phyllis! Jim: Phyllis by a nose. Gold medal in Flernenton. Pam: Flonkerton. Jim: Thank you, delegate from Iceland. Meredith: Wow! Kevin: [empties bowl of M&M's into his mouth] Jim: Wow! Ok. No one else should even try! Gold medals! Give him medals. Wow. Michael: There's something else Dwight wanted to talk to you about. I have a surprise for you, for helping me out today. Dwight: You didn't have to... Michael: No, no. I insist. I insist. Because you've really done some great work. Great work. And that is why, I am going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent. Michael: Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Ah. I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back, ah, with $500 plus utilities. Dwight: I don't even know what to say. Michael: I'm thinking, lock into a four year commitment, we'll go month to month after that. Or, until I start dating, have a girlfriend, then you're, you know, you're gone. Dwight: Question. Where can I put my terrarium? Michael: What the hell is a terrarium? Dwight: It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards. Michael: Oh, so an aquarium. Ah, that will not come into this place. Dwight: Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires. Pam: Are you sure you don't want to play? Angela: I'm sure. Pam: Come on Angela, don't you have a game? Angela: I have one, yes. Pam: Well, let's play, what is it? Angela: I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you. Pam: We're friends. Angela: Apparently. Jim: Very nicely done. I think that's H-O-R for Stanley, and H-O for Phyllis. Phyllis: Are you calling me a ho? Jim: Oh my god. Phyllis, coming alive. I like it. Dwight: Question. What about carpooling, who pays for the gas? Michael: We take separate cars. Dwight: Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine? Michael: Why would we do that? Dwight: Just for fun? Michael: No. Dwight: Question. Who is the primary on the fire insurance? Michael: EHHHHNT. Game over. Offer revoked. Dwight. I'm sorry, but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy, and help out a friend, and this is what happens. This is what I get. Oh god. I'm ... Ok. Dwight: Thank god. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farm house. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch. Oscar: Ah... Everyone: OH! Jim: Who had someone from Vance Refrigeration? Ryan: I did. Jim: Ryan Howard. Ryan! [claps] Gold medal. Pam: I made something for our closing ceremonies. Jim: What? [looks in box] Oh my god. Where did you have time to make that? Pam: Automatic voicemail. Jim: Alright Pam, alright [gives her hi-five]. Nice work! Pam: [sees Angela making check mark on tally sheet] Stanley: A little bit more and I would have had it. Dwight: You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15 year on our beet farm. We paid it off early. Michael: Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst. Dwight: People love beets. Michael: Nobody likes beets. Dwight: Everybody loves beets. Michael: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet. Dwight: Let's get this roof going. Michael: Stop it! [smacks Dwight's arm] Dwight: Ow. Jim: Final lap. Final lap. Time to beat is 1:15. Stanley: Oscar! Crowd: Go! Go! Go! Jim: Time to beat is one minute, 15 seconds. Here they come. [Michael and Dwight enter] Guys? Dwight: What is going on? Jim: Nothing. Guys? Timer's still going? Er? Dwight: That's my stopwatch. Jim: [hands expense report to Oscar] Here you go. All done. Oscar: Great. Jim: Yeah, I filled out the expense reports. That took about five minutes and then I closed two sales at lunch time. So, about as productive as any other day. If not more so. Ryan: I figured I could throw it away now, or I could keep it for a couple of months and then throw it away. I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them, but what am I going to do with a gold medal made of paper clips and an old yogurt lid? Jim: Hey. Pam: I have 59 voicemails. Jim: Mmm. Hey, can you ignore those and do something for me instead? Pam: Sure. Jim: Okay, today. 5 o'clock. Closing Ceremonies. Pam: Really? Jim: Notify the athletes. Pam: Cool. Jim: Michael. Michael: Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. What's going... What's going on? Jim: Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo. Michael: Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom, gay-friendly. Jim: Nice. Michael: You know. Jim: Hey, would you mind coming out here for a second? I just have something for you. Michael: Really? Michael: What's this? Jim: These are the Closing Ceremonies. Step up. You're on the top one. [Michael stands on podium] Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo. So, gold medal. [everyone claps] Michael: I don't really know what to say. Um, I'm not one for making speeches, but ah, my heart is very full at this moment. Jim: And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal. Michael: Get up here, Dwight. Dwight: Silver medal. Michael: Yep, not as good as gold. [national anthem plays] Why are you playing the national anthem? Jim: Um... 'Cause your condo's in America. Michael: Oh. [doves move across cord] What the hell is that? Jim: Those are the doves. Pam: Hey. Morning. Jim: Oh, Pam? Can I see you in here for a second? It's important, so... Pam: Okay. What? What is this? Jim: I found Dwight's wallet in the parking lot. Pam: Oh, my God. What are we gonna do? Jim: I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the best play is. Do we tear everything up, or do we buy a horse on the Internet? I mean, I don't know what to do. What do you think? Pam: I know. I know what to do. Jim: Okay, what? Pam: Okay. Put everything back exactly how you found it. Jim: Okay. Pam: Hey, Dwight. Jim and I found your wallet in the parking lot. Dwight: What did you do to it? Jim: Nothing. Dwight: I'm serious. What did you do to it? Pam: Dwight, I swear, we didn't do anything. Dwight: Nice try. [on the phone] Cancel card. Cancel card. Cancel... card. Oscar: I mean, you've got, you've got stuff here. You rented 'Mermaids.' You can't... It's a movie. You can't deduct that, you know that. Kevin: All right. Angela: It's not an office expense. Kevin: Yes, thank you. Angela: Next year, you should file your stuff in a basket. Oscar: Remember last year he slipped by with 'Stripes.' He rented 'Stripes,' he had it for a week. Kevin: Please... Oscar: And that got through, so maybe he's thinking he can do that from now on. Kevin: Please, please. Please. Dwight: What are the specs? Michael: Oh, okay. I'll tell you. Let's see here. Three bedroom, two bath... Dwight: [talking over Michael] Nice. Michael: ...contemporary townhouse. Two car parking... Dwight: [talking over Michael] Yes. Michael: ...wall-to-wall carpets... Dwight: [talking over Michael] God, what a steal. Michael: ...all fixtures included. Yes, this is... This is looking good. Dwight: Does it have a deck? Michael: I think it does. Dwight: Have you seen it? Michael: Yes. Dwight: Does it have a deck? Michael: I think it has a... Yeah, it has a deck. They call it a porch, but it has a deck. Michael: When a man is laying on his deathbed there are four things that go through his mind. Was I well-loved? Check. Did I express myself? Did I let my light shine through? Check. Will an attractive woman cry at my funeral? Check. Probably more than one. Check. Check, check, check, check. Lastly, did I achieve success and own real estate? And when I close on this condo, I will be able to check that one as well. Jim: What do you call it? Schruteball? Pam: Okay. How about skeet Schruteing? Jim: Did you just come up with that? Pam: Mmm-hmmm. Jim: That is good. That's it. That's what it is. Pam: Thank you. Jim: Wow. [cup tinkles] Pam: Oh, oh. Jim: Oh, Somebody went in. That was a team effort, Pam. Pam: Oh! Michael: Home owner. About to join an exclusive club, Dwight. Maybe some day these people out here will know what that feels like. Maybe not. Who knows? Not my problem. [groans] Dwight: It's time. Michael: Are we ready? Dwight: That's it. Michael: Are we gonna do it? Michael: This is all mine. All the way down around the corner. It's a shared space, but I can use it whenever I want to, Dwight: Okay, so I called in a favor to my buddy at the police department. Michael: Ah, the volunteer Sheriff station. Dwight: Same thing. Michael: No. Dwight: Um, these are the crime statistics for the surrounding square mile over the past four years. Michael: Oh, anything bad? Dwight: Two charges of loitering, Michael: Mmm-hmm. Dwight: one noise complaint, several speeding tickets. Michael: Mmm-hmm. Dwight: Do you own a gun? Michael: No. Dwight: I'd think about it. Michael: I don't need a gun. Man: Hello? Michael: Hello! How are you? I'm, uh, just about to close on 126 over there and I guess we're going to be neighbors. Very cool, very cool. So, uh, so what's the vibe? What's the vibe of this place? Man: Uh, I don't know. It's pretty quiet. Michael: Oh... That's gonna change. [laughing] Man: Why? Michael: Because I loves to party and I'm gonna be partying my butt out at this place. Man: Okay, but there's an 11:00 noise curfew. Dwight: Hi, I am Dwight Schrute, Mr. Scott's associate. Man: Who is Mr. Scott? Dwight: Him. I have got a couple of questions about the neighborhood. Have you had any problems with prostitution, crack dealing, gang violence, etcetera? Man: No. Michael: Here's a question for you. I have a convertible. Is it safe that park that in my driveway. [Man steps back inside his house and shuts the front door] All right. See you soon. Good guy. Um, cool. Toby: So it's like volleyball. Jim: Okay. Toby: Okay, you get a one-second hold on the ball... Jim: Mmm-hmm. Toby: ...and you bounce it off the wall on your side of the tape. Jim: Oh, okay. Oh, do... that's what the tape is for. I didn't know. Toby: Yeah, Michael asked about it once. I just pretended not to hear him. He left. Michael: I think I'm going to make myself some microwave popcorn. [humming] Press 'Popcorn.' Oh, that's gonna be delicious. I just love having popcorn in the middle of the afternoon. You know what? I could do with some hot chocolate as well. Oh, drat. I can't make hot chocolate and popcorn at the same time, unless, I can. Boom! Second microwave for le hot chocolat. Carol: Hello. Michael: Oh, Carol. Hello, how are you? Carol: Hello, hi. Hey, Michael. Michael: Good to see you. Dwight: Oh, boy. This whole condo's shifting. It's like this place was built on ancient Indian burial ground. Jim: Hey, Phyllis, Do you have any games that you play in the office? Phyllis: What do you mean? Jim: Um, like stapler tennis or something like that. Phyllis: No. Jim: Okay. Michael: Second bedroom for the ladies. I mean, the extra ladies who aren't in my bed, or for friends or family, whoever wants to pop on by to casa de Scott. And right in here... What, what's in here? Uh-oh, bedroom number three. What are we gonna do in there? Limitless possibilities. Dwight: Seal it off. Michael: What? [toilet flushing] What are you doing in there? Dwight: Fill it full of cotton or soundproof insulation. Michael: Oh, my God. Dwight. Dwight: Seal it off with drywall so you don't hear Yo-Yo Ma over there all the time. Michael: You know what I might do, I might make this into a kids' room. Dwight: Kids? You don't even have a girlfriend. Michael: I will have a girlfriend once she sees this place. I'm gonna get married and I'm gonna have kids. Dwight: Well, that depends on how old she is. What if your girlfriend is 55? Michael: I'm not gonna date a 55-year-old woman. Dwight: Just a possibility. Michael: No, it's not. Just shut up. Dwight: If you fall in love with her. Michael: You're an ass. Shut it. Dwight: I smell mold. Michael: No, you don't. Dwight: Living on a farm, your sense of smell gets very sharp. For example, there are beets in the condo two doors down that way. And someone over there, I believe, is a big fan of olives. Michael: I'm gonna back out of the deal. Nothing personal, but I feel like I have been taken advantage of here. Carol: How? Michael: This smells of fraud to me. This whole thing just kind of stinks. Dwight: [looking into his coffee mug] What the hell?

Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Sure, can I ask who's calling? Just a second. Jim: Jim Halpert. What? How did you get this number? Stalker. Pam: Katy and Jim met in the office. And now I guess they're like going out, or dating, or something. And, uh... I don't know! You know? They're just... She calls him, and they... You know, I'm sorry. I feel like I'm talking really loud. Am I talking really loud? Jim: So we're still on for lunch? You're meeting me here? Okay. Great. Bye. Pam: [to Jim] Hey! You can just give her your extension. Jim: Okay. Michael: Howard, slash Ryan, Ryan Howard is sitting in my office. And he has been a temp here for a couple of months and he's kind of gotten the lay of the land a little bit. Had a few laughs along the way. And now he wants to know what I think. Ryan: The temp agency wants to know what you think. Michael: Shall we? Let us proceed. First up, proficiency in necessary skills. Aaaaeeexcellent! [laughs] Dwight: Michael's in there right now evaluating the temp. He hasn't evaluated me in years. Michael: Five years from now, what do you want to do? Where do you want to be? Ryan: Ah, well, I'm interested in business. Michael: Oh! Good. Ambitious. Excellent. Want to be a manager? Ryan: Uh, no, actually, uh, what I want is to own my own company. Michael: That is ridiculous. Michael: Ryan's about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one. Michael: [speaks in a Yoda voice] Much advice you seek. [regular voice] Do you know who that is? Ryan: Fozzie bear? Michael: Mmm... No. That was Yoda. Michael: There are ten rules of business that you need to learn. Number one: You need to play to win. But... you also have to win to play. Ryan: Got it. Michael: And I will give you the rest of the ten at lunch. Michael: [to Ryan] [makes clicking noises like shooting a gun] Hey! Dwight: Michael and I have a very special connection. He's like Batman, I'm like Robin. He's like the Lone Ranger, and I'm like Tonto. And it's not like there was the Lone Ranger, and Tonto, and Bonto. Oscar: [in background, on phone] But it says no late fee... . Dwight: [alarm sounds] People! Angela: Okay! Everybody! Dwight: This is not a test! Move to the exits! Angela: Do not panic! Dwight: Head towards the exits. Angela: Safety partners. Dwight: Get up off your desks! Angela: Do not panic. Oscar: [in phone] No, I don't hear it? Alright. Dwight: No, panic is warranted! Angela: Go in single file lines. Oscar: [in phone] No, no. Finish the... Dwight: This is not at drill! Angela: Arms at your sides! Arms at your sides! Dwight: Please, move quickly! This is a paper company, people! Step lively! Angela: Go, let's go. Dwight: This whole place is a tinder box, it is ready to blow! Dwight: This is not a test! Can you leave?! Phyllis: Oh, you say that every time. Dwight: DO YOU WANT TO DIE? Phyllis: Oh, boy... Dwight: Do you want to die? OUT!! Angela: Alright, let's go, let's go. Dwight: STANLEY! Have you ever seen a burn victim? Angela: Come on, you're safety partners! Dwight: Move to the exits! Angela: You're safety partners! Dwight: We've got smoke! We've got smoke! Smoke! Gah! [Spots Kelly] Oh, Kelly! You're okay! I've got you! Kelly: I'm okay! Dwight: Cover your nose and mouth. Breathe through your nose. Kelly: Let go of me! Dwight: Breathe through your nose. Remove your stockings. Okay? They'll melt right into your flesh! Stay below the smoke line. Let's go! Clear out, stat! STAT MEANS NOW! Michael: Yes, I was the first one out. And, yes, I've heard women and children first. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweat shop. Thankfully. And, uh, women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands. Michael: Another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations. Ryan: Yeah. Michael: Adapt. React. Re-adapt. Act. All right? That's rule number two. Dwight: Okay, guys, listen up, we need a head count. We need to count off. Michael's number one. Where is he? Where is he? Michael: So what was rule two? Ryan: Ah... adapt, react, re-adapt, act. Michael: Okay, well, let's... . let's kind of take it a little slower. Dwight: Hey, Michael. Um... Ryan needs his number for the count off. Michael: Okay, uh, well, one is taken. Ryan: Uh, okay, two? Dwight: NO! Ryan: Okay... uh, sorry? Dwight: Okay, he can have 14. Marjory's not here today. Michael: Well, he needs a permanent number, right? Ryan: No. Ryan: ...I don't. Dwight: Oh, you know what else? I thought of a nickname for the three of us. Three Musketeers. Michael: Um, yeah. Okay. That... No, no, no. I got one. I got one. The Three Stooges. Dwight: That's funny, too. But if we're the Three Musketeers... Ryan: I don't want to be like 'a guy' here. You know? Like, Stanley is the 'crossword puzzle guy'. And Angela has cats. I don't want to have a thing... here. You know, I don't want to be the 'something guy'. Jim: Okay, you know what? I am going to be, uh, setting the agenda here. Okay? Can everybody gather up, please? Important announcement. Very important announcement. I think this is a perfect opportunity for all of us to participate in some really intense, psychologically revealing conversations. So we're going to be playing Desert Island, umm, Who Would You Do? Stanley: Ooh. Jim: And, um... Pam: ...Would You Rather? Jim: Would You Rather. Would You Rather is our third game. Dwight: [to firemen] Hey guys, great response time. Listen up, I got some theories. Okay, there's a... Jim: Okay, so... three books on a desert island? Angela. Angela: The Bible. Stanley: That's one book. You've got two others. Angela: A Purpose Driven Life. Jim: Nice. Third book? Angela: No. Jim: Okay. Phyllis. Phyllis: Um, The DaVinci Code. Angela: The DaVinci Code! Jim: Nice. Angela: I would take The DaVinci Code... so I could burn The DaVinci Code. Dwight: Okay. Great, that's going to keep you warm for like 7 seconds. Question: is there fire wood on the island? Jim: I guess. Dwight: Then I would bring an axe, no books. Jim: Uh, it has to be a book, Dwight. Dwight: Fine. Physician's Desk Reference. Jim: Nice. Smart. Dwight: ...hollowed out, inside: waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and Sorcerer's Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question: did my shoes come off in the plane crash? Michael: Rule number four. In business, image is everything - Andre Agassi. This car is an investment. Right? If I have to take out a client or I'm seen around Scranton in it. I love it. I love this car. Do you like it? Ryan: Yeah. Jim: Okay. Thought people read more books. Jim: DVDs! Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Yes! Meredith? Meredith: Legends of the Fall, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Legally Blond, Bridges of Madison County... Jim: Wow. Pam: Legends of the Fall? Jim: Wow. Bridges of Madison County, Legally Blond, these movies are just... . Pam: Well, I kind of liked Legal... Jim: Wait, wait, wait. Pam. No. Do you understand? The... the game is Desert Island Movies, not guilty pleasure movies. Desert Island Movies are the movies you're going to watch for the rest of your life! Forever! Unforgivable. Pam: I take it back. Jim: Unforgivable. Pam: I take it back! Jim: Good. Meredith: ...and Ghost. But, ah, just that one scene... Dwight: Is this your car, Ryan? Michael: Wow, some pretty big books back there, huh? Ryan: [to Dwight] Don't... Dwight: Good shocks. Michael: Hello, Mr. Egghead! Woop! So... oh, Stanley Kaplan! I know him. 'M' is for Murder, 'P' is for... Ryan: That's actually a test prep book. Michael: ...for Phone. What? Ryan: That's a test prep for business school. Michael: Um, oh, thinking about business school? Ryan: I just got in. I applied, I go at night. Michael: Really? Ryan: Yeah. Michael: So you think you know a lot about business? Ryan: No, not yet. Michael: Uh huh. Ryan: Just started. Michael: Yeah. Quiz me. Ryan: I... wouldn't even know where to start. Michael: Come on, egghead. Let's do it. Dwight: Do it. Michael: Quiz me up. Ryan: All right, um... Why have people been rethinking the Microsoft model in the past few years? Michael: Uh... Michael: When I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant, to save up money for school. And then I spe... lost it in a pyramid scheme. But I learned more about business, right then and there, than business school would ever teach me, or Ryan would ever teach me. Ryan: Is it cheaper to sign a new customer? Or to keep an existing customer? Dwight: Keep an existing... Michael: [to Dwight] Shut, it. Can I... can I just do it please? [to Ryan] Uh, it's equal. Ryan: It is ten times more expensive to sign a new customer. Michael: Okay. Yes! It was a trick question. Dwight: Yeah, but look, I mean, he didn't need business school. Okay, Michael comes from the school of hard knocks. Michael: Okay, Dwight. Dwight: Self taught. You didn't even go to college. Michael: You know what, Dwight? You don't need to help me here. Okay? Well, you know... Maybe you should go to business school like Ryan, then... then you'd know what you're talking about. Dwight: [scoffs] Come on. I'm studying with the master, huh? Michael: For instance, why don't you go to business... Dwight: [to Ryan] You should learn from him, right? Ryan: I am. Dwight: Right? Ryan: I am. Michael: Stop. Dwight. You know what? You're acting like a dork. Would you cool it? Please. Okay. Hey! He's not your five year old brother, Dwight. He's a valued member of this company... and you know what? He knows more about business than you ever will. Dwight: Stupid! Michael: I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA. So... so it's not the same thing. At all. Michael: Look at this stuff. Market fragments. What is that supposed to be? Ryan: It's a way of looking at consumers as subsets of a larger client base. Michael: You are so smart. You are so eff-in' smart. You should be teaching me. Jim: Pam? Get us back into it. Pam: Okay. Jim: Five movies. Go ahead. Pam: Um, Fargo, um, Edward Scissorhands, Dazed and Confused... Jim: Ooh, definitely in my top five. Pam: Yes. In my top three, so suck it. Jim: What? Pam: Breakfast Club. Um... The Princess Bride and... Jim: Okay that's five. Pam: No, my all time favorite! Jim: Pam, play by the rules. Pam: All time favorite. Jim: Play by the rules. Dwight. All time favorite movie. Dwight: The Crow. Michael: I became a salesman... because of people, I love making friends. But then I was promoted to manager, at a very young age. I still try to be a friend first, but... You know? I'm very successful... your coworkers look at you differently. Huu, what do you think? Ryan: Maybe we should get some air. Michael: Nah, I'm okay. Ryan: I'm really uncomfortable. Jim: All right. Let's move on. Let's move on to the main event. Who Would You Do? Kevin: Present company excluded? Jim: Um, not neccessari... Kevin: Pam. Oscar: Pam. Jim: Um... okay. Ah, you know what? Maybe I'll... I'll finish explaining the rules. Let's... let me explain it first, and then... song: ['Everybody Hurts' by R.E.M.] Think you've had too much / in this life. Jim: Yeah, so we'll get right... You know what? I'll be right back. Stanley, you're taking over for me, buddy. I'll be right back. Stanley: Okay, um... Jim: Dwight. Dwight. Song: Everybody hurts, Jim: Come on Dwight! Use words. Song: Sometim... . Dwight: Why didn't I go to business school? Jim: Who goes to business school? Dwight: The temp. Jim: He does? Dwight: Yeah, it's all him and Michael talk about anymore. Pam: You know, I bet Ryan thinks to himself 'I wish I were a volunteer sheriff on the weekends'. Dwight: He doesn't even know that I do that. Pam: You should tell him. Dwight: Oh yeah, Pam. Right. That's going to help things, just talk it out. I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted. Pam: Dwight. Jim: What? Dwight: I'm sorry I said that, I didn't... just part of me meant it. Besides, he'd end up being a hero anyway. Jim: You know what you should do? You should quit. And then, that would stick it to both of them. Dwight: Oh Jim, I'm not going to quit. Then Ryan wins. Jim: Yeah. You're right. Dwight: Thanks you guys. I just need some alone time. Pam: Kay. Song: Everybody hurts Jim: Alright buddy. Song: Everybody cries Roy: Hey! Guys, what's going on? Jim: Nothing. Pam: Hey! Song: Everybody hurts Roy: What's up? Can I hang out with you guys for a bit? Song: Sometimes Roy: The warehouse guys are a bunch of jackasses sometimes. Stanley: Come on people, you know the rules of the game now. Michael: Oh, hey. Game, what game are we playing here? Stanley: Okay. It's called Who Would You Do? Michael: Oh, I play this at home all the time while I'm falling asleep. What, uh... . Where are we? Where are we here? Mmm.. Roy? Roy? Who would you do, Roy? Roy: Uh... Oh, I got it! Uh, what's the name of that, uh, tight ass, uh, Christian, uh, chick. The, uh, the blond? Angela: My name is Angela. Roy: Hey, Angela! Roy. Nice to meet you. Michael: Aaaall right. Who's next, who's next, who's next, who's? Jim? You're next. Who would you do? Jim: Um... Kevin, hands down. Yeah. He's really got that teddy bear thing going on, and afterwards, we could just watch bowling. Michael: Well, I would definitely have sex with Ryan. 'Cause he is going to own his own business. Roy: You're all gay. Michael: Who's, uh... Who's next? Who we got? Whooo... Ryan: [answers phone] Hey, no, I can talk, I can talk, I can talk... this is great timing. Michael: Wish I had my cell phone, but I left it inside. So... Dwight: Would that make you happy? Michael: What's that? Dwight: If you had your cell phone, it would make you happy? Michael: Yeah. Dwight: I'm on it. Michael: Dwight. Hey! Angela: You can't go in yet! Michael: Dwight, don't! He is an idiot. The man is an idiot, ladies and gentlemen. Kevin: What if he dies in the fire? And that's the last thing you ever said to him. Michael: I didn't say it to him. I said it about him. Meredith: ...Jim. Phyllis: Definitely Jim. Kelly: Definitely, definitely, Jim. Phyllis: Come on, Pam. Kelly: How about you Pam? Pam: Um... Oscar's kind of cute. Phyllis: Yeah, I like Oscar. Pam: Ooh, Toby! Michael: [in the background] How long does it take to find a cell phone? I don't know either. Meredith: Is there anybody else. Kevin: [clears his throat] Jim: [on the phone] Hey, where are you? Oh good. Yeah. We're just here, we're playing Desert Island. It's when you pick your five favorite DVDs... Michael: Seriously, where the hell is Dwight? Hey, call my cell phone. It'll make it easier for him to find. Ryan: What's your number? Michael: I gave it to you in the car. Ryan: Um... Michael: I saw you program it in. Ryan: You got to... you got to give it to me again. Michael: Okay. Alright. Ryan: Now I have it. Michael: Uh, I better tell somebody. [to fireman] Excuse me, sir... Dwight: [coughing] Michael: Dwight!? Great goin'. God, Man! Why did you go in there? What... Everybody was scared out of their wits, man? Oooh. Dwight: [coughing] Everyone, okay? Uh, I have an announcement. Apparently, in business school, they don't teach you how to operate a toaster oven. Because some smart, sexy temp left his cheese pita on oven instead of timing it for the toaster thing. Michael: Wow. Okay. Well, I guess they don't teach how to operate a toaster oven in business school. Dwight: That's exactly what I said. Michael: Hey, did you miss that day there, Ryan? Dwight: Were you absent? Michael: Toaster Oven 101? Dwight: You failed? Ryan: I am so sorry. Michael: Hey! I know what'll impress everybody, I'll start a fire. Oh, man. Bad idea. Bad idea jeans. Dwight: I have a song. Attention, everyone! That I want to sing. That I wrote especially for this occasion when I was up there among the flames. Ready? [sings to Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire'] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning since the world's been turning! Dwight and Michael: [singing] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning- Dwight: Everybody! Michael: [singing] ...since the world was turning. Ryan: I can't believe I started the fire. Dwight and Michael: [sing gibberish to 'We Didn't Start the Fire'] Dwight: [singing] ... Marilyn Monroe! Dwight and Michael: [singing] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning... Dwight: Eat it! You gotta eat it. You have to eat it! Katy: Hi! Jim: Hey. Katy: How are you? Jim: Good, how are you? Katy: I'm good. It's good to see you. Jim: Good to see you, too. Katy: I'm hungry. Jim: Yeah, I am too. Katy: Oh, I have been thinking the whole way over and I have my answers. Jim: What answers? Katy: Um, for the... the desert island. Jim: Oh! Right! Right, right, right, come-ah on, on, on. [to everyone] Ladies and gentlemen! Gather around! We have one more participant. Come on, be polite. Be polite. [to Katy] Desert Island. Five movies. Go. Katy: Okay, um, first, Legally Blond. Pam: I forgot what a super, nice girl Katy is. And just... good for Jim! They are so cute together. And, um, what an adorable car. Jim: Okay, I think the game's over... People are like leaving. There was a bigger crowd last time. Do you just want to go to lunch? Katy: Okay. Jim: Yeah? Katy: Alright! You want to drive? Jim: Sure. Katy: Alright. Katy: [looking at Roy and Pam] They are soo cute. Ryan: I'm really sorry, Dwight. Dwight: Answer me this, though. Ryan: What? Dwight: Was it worth it? Was it worth it temp? Ryan: No. Kevin: Was it worth it? Dwight: Really? Ryan: I'm really sorry, Dwight. Dwight: The fire guy! The fire guy! Dwight: [sings] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire! Michael: Okay. Rule five - safety first, i.e. don't burn the building down. Okay? That should be a no brainer. Michael: Oh... look! Ryan is book smart. And I am street smart. And book smart. Michael: I'll give you the rest of the ten tomorrow. Jim: Seventy and clear, that's nice. Where's that? Pam: That's here. Dwight: I'm Michael's number two. He's one, I'm two. He's Alpha, I'm Beta. He's A, I'm B. It's easy. Whatever Michael is, I'm one less. Michael: Rule three: Reach for the stars. And if you fail, see rule four. Rule four: Failure is not an option. Dwight: Oh, my God. Ryan is gonna love these. Michael: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And at the end I will reveal, that they were all just one rule. Dwight: That is so cool. Michael: Mmm-hmm. Dwight: Plus you can go, 'Rule five, see rule six. Rule six, see rule five.' Michael: No, I'm not trying to trick him. I'm trying to be a good mentor. So... Dwight: Kill or be killed. Michael: No. Dwight: Shoot to kill, or kill to shoot. Michael: No, come on, Dwight, I have to have 10 of these by lunch, I promised Ryan. Dwight: You could ask for an extension. Michael: I'm not asking the temp for an extension unless I really need it. Dwight: I know Michael's every move. It's not something you can just pick up. I could write a book about him. Literally. I started once, but Michael made me stop. Dwight: Hey, how's it going, man? Ryan: Good. What's up? Dwight: Oh, nothing much. What's up with you? Ryan: I'm good, thanks. Dwight: Good. Good, I'm good, too. How's it cracking? Ryan: Uh, fine. What's up? Dwight: You know what you would love? Guns N' Roses. When I was your age, I loved Guns N' Roses. Do you like Guns N' Roses? I'll make you a tape. Ryan: Cool. Dwight: I'll make you two tapes. Ryan: I don't have a tape player. So... Dwight: Someday, temp. I've got a couple of shirts that don't fit so well anymore. I'll bring them by. Okay, see you later. Dwight: Michael and I have a very special connection, like an umbilical cord. And the thing is with Ryan is that I don't want him to trip on it, or get it caught around his neck. Kevin: Sixty-three, sixty-four, sixty-five, sixty-six, sixty-seven, sixty-eight. [snickering] Sixty-nine. Seventy. Seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy-three. Pam: I like fire drills. You know what's the greatest? Like, when you were in school and the teacher would let you have class outside. Jim: Oh, the best. Pam: Yeah, it was great because it was like you're supposed to be working, but nothing ever gets done. Jim: Yeah, we had outside classes all the time and we never did anything. Pam: [chuckling] Jim: Actually if I had fewer outside classes, I probably wouldn't be stuck here at a paper company. Pam: You're not stuck. Angela: Yes, there is a real fire, but it's okay. Everyone got out fine. This is why you practice these things. Michael: Yes, yes, I ran out first. A captain is always the first one on the ship and the last one off the ship. And this parking lot is our ship when the building is on fire. So, I ran out onto the ship. Jim: Okay, DVDs. Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Toby, go ahead. Toby: Say Anything, The Shining, Annie Hall, that's too obvious. Jim: Those are like my favorite movies. I didn't really think you could win Desert Island, but I think you just did. Toby: Toy Story 2, one of the best movies I ever saw. I went for my daughter and stayed because you can't leave your daughter in a theater. Jim: Toby and I used to sit together until Michael moved us because he thought we talked too much. Pam: Really? Jim: Yeah. Jim: Kevin, do it. Kevin: Uh, Cannonball Run, Cannonball Run II, [snickering] Weekend at Bernie's, Weekend at Bernie's II, and, oh, Groundhog Day. Jim: Groundhog Day. Stanley: I have a client who watches that movie once a week, at least. Kevin: Really? Stanley: I should put you in touch with him. Maybe we could get together and work on that account. Kevin: I would love that. Jim: Okay, guys, guys, guys. That almost sounded like business, and we are trying to focus here today, okay? Michael: When I was Ryan's age, I worked at Arby's and then I worked selling cutlery for a while. Cutlery that could decimate a penny, I kid you not. There were these shears that could cut straight through a penny. So I have life experience and work experience that Ryan doesn't, and will never have. Jim: And then you go to school for three years. Ryan: For two years, and it's only at night, and then it's on your resume forever. Jim: Wow. And just out of curiosity, how much is it? Ryan: $650 bucks Jim: A semester? Ryan: A credit. Jim: Wow. Ryan: It's an investment. Jim: Oh, yeah, it sounds like it. Ryan: I think it's worth it. Michael: If I could change the life of one person, just one person. I... Actually, that's shooting kind of low. I already did that when I was born. I changed two people's lives. Mom and Dad. Um, if I could change the lives of 5,000 people... 10,000. No, five. I'd be satisfied with 5,000. I... 10,000 though, that'd be something. Wow, 10,000 people. Because, you know what? Even one is amazing.

Michael: Happy Halloween, everyone! [notices Pam, in her cat costume] Oh... that's great! Pam: Hey... Happy Halloween. Jan called. Michael: Ohh... OK. Michael: I know why she's calling. It's the end of the month, and I was supposed to let somebody go by the end of the month. And somehow I'm supposed to put on a costume and smile. [dials a number on his speaker phone] Okay. Sherri: [on phone] Jan Levinson's office. Michael: Hey, Sherri. Michael Scott returning. Sherri: Oh, she's in a meeting. Uh, she just wanted the name of the employee you let go. Michael: Well, I'm gonna wait till the end of the day. Because the book said it's best to wait till the end of the day. Sherri: I just need the name of who you're planning to let go. Michael: I don't know... yet. I will have to call her back. Sherri: I know she wanted the name. Michael: Okay... Sherri? Sherri: Yeah? Michael: If you were getting fired, how would you wanna be told so you could still be friends with the person firing you? Sherri: Jan wants the name as soon as possible, Michael. Michael: Thanks. Sherri: Mm-Hmm. Michael: I'll call her back. [talks softy, to himself] Wish I could fire Sherri. Sherri: Hey, I'm still here. Michael: Okay! I'm sorry. Sherri: Yeah. Michael: No? Sherri: OK. Michael: Bye. Sherri: Hanging up now. Michael: I mean you hear about layoffs in the news, but when you actually have to do it yourself, it is heavy stuff. It's... these are people's lives you're talking about. Pam: [entering] You wanted me? Michael: Yes. Pam: [notices Michael's costume] Papier-mache? Michael: Yes. Pam: Hmm. Michael: Yeeesh. Pam: Mm-hmm. Michael: Um, Pam, I have to let somebody go today. This is, uh, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Pam: Why did you put it off until Halloween? Michael: Because it's very scary stuff. Pam: I think it's gonna put a damper on the party a little. Michael: You're worried about the party? There's a man's life at stake here. Pam: So it's a man? Michael: No. Or a woman. A human life. If you had to guess, who it would be based on their job performance... and who you think deserved to be fired - who would that be? Pam: I just answer the phone. Michael: And... sometimes you just let it go to voicemail. Pam: You're costume is fantastic! [laughs] Michael: I know. I sent away for it in July from a catalog. [bobs his head around, causing the costume head to jiggle around] Pam: Oh no, don't, don't, don't, don't. [Michael laughs] Aah! [laughs, then leaves] Okay... Michael: Oh, man. Okay, I have to fire somebody. Dwight: [eyeing Jim's costume] What is that?! What are you supposed to be? Jim: I'm a three hole punch version of Jim. 'Cause you can have me either way. Plain White Jim, or Three-hole Punch. Phyllis: That's great! Jim: Oh, yeah. Dwight: Yeah, well look... [pulls his hood over his head and pops up his light saber] What about me? Phyllis: What are you? A monk? Dwight: I am a Sith Lord. [looks at Jim] Oh big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt. This cost me 129 dollars. Phyllis: Ass. Michael: Hey. Oscar: Michael. Michael: You guys excited about the party? Angela: Yeah. Michael: It's gonna be fun. Kevin: Yeah. Angela: Yes. Michael: [looks to Oscar] Oh, boy... look at you! Haha. Showing your colors. Bet you wish you wore a dress every day. Oscar: What are you implying? Michael: All good. Happy Halloween. What happened to all those spooky decorations that we had? The cobwebs and such? Angela: You know, I don't know. We put them all up last night. Michael: Well, you know what? Go buy some more. I'll approve the overages. Sound good? Angela: Yeah. Michael: Good. Oh, yeah, also about budget stuff. Um, I'm going to need you to find, like a, a full employee salary, plus benefits, like fifty grand. I'm going to need you to find 50 grand in the numbers. Angela: But we don't keep two sets of books. Michael: Well, that's not what I'm saying. Just, you know, find it. Pretend that your jobs depend on it. Michael: Mmm-hm-hmm. Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it. Hey, you know what would even be better? Soccer ball and cleats. Kelly: Why is that? Michael: Bend It Like Beckham.' Kelly: Oh, like ... the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer? Michael: [laughs] Yeah. That would be perfect. Kelly: Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that. I don't really play soccer or anything. Michael: Well, I don't really have two heads. So... Dwight: Wait, what are you again? Oh, right... Three-hole PUNCH! [punches Jim in the chest and cracks up laughing] Pam: Okay, greatest strength. Jim: Okay, okay... Pam: A dog-like obedience to authority Jim: Nice. Pam: But that doesn't sound good. Jim: Okay, okay. Um, how 'bout, the ultimate team player? [Pam laughs and types] Jim: Dwight is... special. But, I don't believe that his talents are being used in this office. So Pam and I have put his resume on Monster.com, Google, Craig's List. We're really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Um, preferably Alaska... or India. Pam: He's a gun nut. Jim: Um. He sticks to his guns. Angela: Well, I looked through all the budgets. And there is one department... Oscar: Yes? Angela: ... that has three people... Oscar: Yeah? Angela: ... doing the work that could be done by two. Oscar: This is great. [Angela shakes her head] Oh. Kevin: Yeah. Oh. Michael: Who do you think it should be? Dwight: Jim. Definitely. Michael: No, Jim brings in money. Dwight: Phyllis. Michael: Eh. Dwight: Stanley. Pam. Oscar. Meredith. Kevin. Angela. Michael: It's not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale. Dwight: One of the warehouse guys. Michael: [turns to the fake head, listening] What? There was someone left off that list? Who? Dwight: Who is he saying? Michael: You're right, I didn't even think of him. Dwight: No, Michael. Michael: Yeah, that's actually a really good idea. Dwight: No, not me. Michael: Yeah... I could. Dwight: Not Dwight. Michael: I'm not saying that's what he said. Dwight: I know that's what he said. Michael: [listening to his head] What? Dwight: Tell him, not Dwight. Michael: That is not a very nice thing to say about him. Dwight: Tell him to stop. Michael: Are you kidding? Dwight: Quiet, you. Michael: I agree. He'd land on his feet. Dwight: Make him be quiet. Angela: Those aren't chips and dip. Pam: No, I made brownies. Angela: Uh! Pam: ... What? Angela: I'm just trying to figure out why you're sabotaging things. Pam: I made brownies. Angela: And I made cookies. Same category. Pam: I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts. Pam: [on phone] Dunder-Mifflin. This is Pam. [listens] Uh, yeah. [snaps her fingers in the air, getting Jim's attention] Just one second. I will, uh, transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott. Jim: Um... Whoa. [picks up ringing phone][in managerial voice] Michael Scott here. Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice. Mmm hmm. Dwight Schrute is amazing. Yeah. No, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation. Mm hmm. You know what? I'm gonna tell you what. You hire Dwight K. Schrute, and if he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well then, you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible. Okay. Okay. Okay-kay-kay-kay-kay. Okay. Dwight: Stanley, could you come with me, please. Stanley: No. Dwight: As Assistant Regional Manager... Stanley: To the. Dwight: Look! I've got some bad news. You're fired. You need to pack up your things and go. [Stanley laughs.] I'm serious, Stanley. It's over. I'm sorry. Stanley: [laughs, and imitates Donald Trump] You're fired. Get your fingers off my phone. Michael: So. How did it go with Stanley? How... how'd he take it? Dwight: He wouldn't listen to me Michael: Ahh, come on. Dwight: If you want to fire him, you're going to have to tell him yourself. Michael: I don't wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. I'm certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big, baleful, eyes staring at me. Yikes. Just, okay, just... [waves Dwight away] Dwight: [whispering on the phone] Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no, no. I'm very flattered. Don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure that it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh. Okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number? Dwight: Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most. Oscar: Oh... hey. Ryan: Oh, your dress is stuck in the back. Kind of just... Oscar: Oh. [fixes his dress] Dwight: [on the phone] So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the res... ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too. And I will see you there... burning. Fine! Okay... oh wait! So you'll let me know when you've made a decis... [stops and hangs up phone.] Pam: Jim is really talented. And he should be the one who's getting a better job offer. Like, for real. Pam: Don't take this the wrong way, but... you should go for that job. Jim: Um... it's in Maryland. Pam: Yeah, but I mean, look at the salary. And it's definitely a step up. And a challenge. Jim: Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Maybe... maybe I will. [starts walking away] Pam: Jim... Dwight: This is called leveraging an offer. [walks into Michael's office] Michael, can I talk to you for a moment? Michael: Oh, God. Dwight: I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at Cumberland Mills. Michael: Fantastic! Dwight: And I turned it down. Michael: What?! That would've solved all my problems. Dwight: Out of loyalty to this company... Michael: Oh, you idiot. Dwight: ... so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially. Michael: If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody. Dwight: But then you wouldn't have me here. Michael: Big deal. Oh, it would've worked out so well. Can you get it back? Dwight: It's in Maryland. Michael: You can call. Can you call 'em? Dwight: I can't. I... I suppose I coul... no. They never really made me an offer anyway. Michael: Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God. Jim: Honestly, I don't think Michael has the slightest clue of who he's gonna fire. I think he keeps hoping that someone's going to volunteer. Uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end, really, what's going to happen is it's gonna be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall. And therein lies the true essence of his charisma. Michael: [clearing his throat and interrupting Jim's talking head] Can I speak to you a minute? Jim: Um... yes. Jim: Michael, I really didn't mean to... Michael: Help. Me. Jim: I'm sorry? Michael: I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it. Jim: Oh, you want me to be you? Michael: Yes. Jim: Okay. Michael: I want you to be me, and I will be Creed. Jim: Oh, are you firing Creed? Michael: No, no, no. That's just the first thing... came... in head. Jim: We should switch seats in order to... Michael: Yes, that's a good idea. Jim: Alright. [they stand up] Excuse me.[They sit down] I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it's purely budgetary. It's not personal... Michael: Aaaahh! I'm gonna kill myself! Jim: Wow. Michael: I'm going to kill myself, and it's your fault! Jim: That's an overreaction. Michael: Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And they're saying this has to be done by the end of the month. Jim: Is this you? Are you being you, or is this Creed? Are you... Michael: I... this is Creed. Jim: Okay. Michael: I'm improvising, so just try to keep up. [phone rings] Jim: Oh, hold that thought. Hold that thought. Michael: And I'm very angry, and I want... Jim: [picks up the phone] Michael Scott here. Michael: I'm gonna kill you. I'm going to kill you for firing me. Jim: Toby? Mm hmm. [looks back to Michael] I really have to take this Creed, so it was really worth... Michael: Get off, get off. No, no. OK.. just get off.[sits back down in his chair and waves Jim off.] Just, just... yeah. Pam: What happened? Jim: It wasn't me. Pam: Oh. That was like crazy. 'Cause I was... Jim: Yeah, I know. Michael: Uh, hey... Creed? Creed: Huh? Michael: Could I talk to you for a second? Michael: You are great. Very ambitious. And I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer. And I understand that you'd wanna just spread your wings, and fly the coop. Creed: What are you telling me? Michael: I... we're gonna have to... You... you want something better. Creed: No, I don't. I wanna stay right here. Michael: No, you wanna leave. Creed: No, I wanna stay here. Michael: Why... why are you making this so hard? Creed: Um, I think there's a misunderstanding, Michael. Michael: I think you're right. Creed: Can I go? Michael: No, of course you can't go. We haven't even started this horrible process of... okay, Creed. I need to let somebody go today. They told me I need to let somebody go. And as much as I think you're a great guy, and I like you, you're... you're, goodbye. Creed: Let's fight it. Michael: Hmm? Creed: Let's call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days. Michael: What old days? What are you talking about? Creed: Did you start the paperwork yet? Michael: It's right here on the desk, yeah. Creed: You don't have to do this, Michael. Michael: I can't, I can't... Creed: Undo it! Michael: I can't change anything. This is the way... Creed: No, you have the power to undo it. Michael: I don't... okay, just listen. Creed: Michael, undo it! Michael: Don't... Michael: Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg, had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask? Michael: I have to fire someone today, okay? Creed: Fine. Fire someone else. Fire Devon. He's terrible. I am so much better at my job than Devon. Michael: Okay, well... I already picked you. And you know that. So, unless I just go through with this, you're always gonna look at me as the guy who almost fired you. Creed: No, no, no, no, no, no. I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. You're they guy who gave me my life back. Thank you. I knew you'd see it my way Michael. God Bless you. You're a fine man. Michael: Don't... Creed: Listen, you will not regret this either. Devon is terrible; No one's gonna miss him. Good, good, good. Michael: Devon, could I talk to you for a sec? Devon: Creed's an idiot, you know that. Michael: Well, he... Devon: No, no, no, no, no, no! You had it right the first time. Michael: Well, maybe I did. Devon: Exactly. You gotta go with your gut, man. Michael: Huh. No! I can't, no. I can't go back. I would look like an idiot. Devon: That's why I'm being fired? Michael: No. Devon: So you might not look like an idiot? Michael: No. It was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn, the cutbacks, and, and... Devon: This is unbelievable! Michael: I just hope that you and I can remain friends. Michael: Devon, wait, please. Devon: What! Michael: Look, look. In addition to severance, and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili's. From me. Okay? No hard feelings. Devon: [takes the gift certificate and tears it up] Kevin, Jim, Pam, Kelly, Toby, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Stanley, or the temp. If any of you wanna meet me for a drink, I'm going to be at Poor Richard's. And the rest of you can go to hell! Angela: [watching nearly everyone leave] What about the Halloween party? Pam: Oh, hey, Jim. Wait, stop. Um, I'm sorry... for pushing you towards Cumberland. Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out. Jim: [motions for her to follow him] Come on. Jim: That's just a figure of speech, you know? Blow your brains out? Come on. All it really means is that we're friends. Who else is she gonna talk to if I'm gone, right? I mean, if she left, I wouldn't blow my brains out. Of course, I would take that job in Maryland. Because it's double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food. Michael: I love Halloween. You know, it's just, it's just fun. Every year, it's just fun. Last Halloween I came as Janet Jackson's boob. It was topical. People got a... a big kick out of it. The year before that, I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky. And before that, I was O.J. It was pretty funny. Oh, I wish you were here last year. Children: [ringing the doorbell of Michael's Condo] Trick or treat! Michael: He... Hey, hey, hey, hey! How you doing? Wow! You guys looks great. Kid: I'm a bumble bee. Michael: You look great! And you're a princess? Kid: A fairy princess. Michael: A fairy princess. You're very... . Kid: I'm a lion. Michael: You're a lion. [trying to to open a bag of candy] Wow, I want to hear your, your... Oh! [the bag tears open, spilling all the candy] Oh, okay, that's all yours. That's all yours. Grab it, grab it. You know what? You guys are getting all of these. Michael: Hey, you. Big Jim. And Phyllis. Working hard, Phyllis? Phyllis: Mmm-hmm. Michael: Of course. You're always working hard. Phyllis: Thanks. Michael: Keep it up. And there's Stanley. No costume? Well, no, not trying to fit in. I wish I had your confidence, I really do. Stanley: Something wrong, Michael? Michael: No, no. What could possibly be wrong? Everything's great. Just keep living your lives. Everything's gonna be fine. [sighing] You are all such wonderful, innocent people. Toby: Hey, Jim. Jim: What's up, Hef? Toby: Michael? Michael: What? What? Toby: Michael, do you have the name of the employee you're letting go? I'd like to start working on out-placement. Michael: Fine. If you are so anxious to see a head roll, it's you. There. You brought it on yourself. Too bad. Can't say that I'm sorry. It's a relief. Toby: I don't report to you, Michael. I report to the head of HR in New York. Michael: You asked for a name, I gave you a name. Now you're not doing your job. Why don't you just resign? Toby: They would just send someone else. You need to have an HR representative. Michael: Just know that if I could have fired you, I would have. Toby: I know, Michael. Michael: I'm going to have to do this Sopranos-style. Just whack him. Guys, could you take the freight elevator, please? Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Hey, you wanna see a really messy show? Follow us around. Come to our office. Michael: You know what? That's my foot. Vance Refrigeration Worker #2: Ass, ass, ass... Michael: You guys... Vance Refrigeration Worker #2: ...ass, ass, ass, ass, ass... Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Hi, Mom! Michael: I will handle it in the best way possible, but in case he or she goes postal, you will be available to subdue. Am I correct? Hank the Security Guard: Who is it? Michael: I don't know. Hey, are you on our payroll or are you employed by the building? Hank the Security Guard: Building. Michael: Oh, shoot. Okay, well, just have your pepper spray ready. Hank the Security Guard: You're on your own. Michael: All right. All right, this is it. By the time I get back to our floor, I will have decided. [elevator bell dings] Wow, that's a fast elevator. Michael: I have a proposal, everybody. Listen up. Now, Corporate has been really breathing down my neck to make some pay cuts, but I refuse to fire anyone. So, I was thinking that maybe all of you would take a 10% pay cut and that would save the money. Yeah? Stanley: Yeah, We're not doing that. I have kids in college. Make a decision. Michael: Okay, great. Fine. Well, then, if anyone is annoyed later at what goes down, you know who to blame. Stanley. Not the guy who was trying to be creative. [turns around to find Toby standing behind him] Toby: Michael, it's almost 5:00. Michael: Leave me alone, okay? Michael: Do you want some coffee? Creed: No, no. I had some, thanks. Michael: [slurping] Oh, wow. How long have you worked here? How many years, Creed? Creed: Fifteen years, I think. Michael: Yeah, that's right. Fifteen years and three months. Wow, you were hired before I was. Must be thinking about retirement. Creed: Oh, no. I need the money. Michael: Why? Creed: What do you mean, 'Why?' Michael: It's just that you never got married and you live in an apartment. Creed: I don't know. I got nephews. Michael: Yeah. Creed: Yeah. Yeah. And I buy them stuff, you know. Oh, made some bad investments. Why are you asking me this? Michael: Just trying to be your friend. Creed: Well, you never asked me about my life before, is all. Michael: Of course, I did. I always... Yes, I do. Creed: Do you have something specific you wanted to talk to me about? Michael: Are you pulling my leg or... Creed: No. Michael: You have no clue why I've asked you in here? Creed: I do not. Michael: Oh, here we go. This... um, here's the deal. Michael: Yes. Actually, I have. I have been on a hunting trip. I shot a deer in the leg. I had to... I had to hit him, I had to hit him with a shovel for about an hour, so he... That's good eating, though. Venison's very gamey. It's hard to watch, though. It's hard to... It's hard to hit another living thing in the face with a shovel for about an hour. That... I haven't been hunting since then. I, I... 'Cause that's, you know, where's the joy in that? Where's the... There's no sport, really. Especially when you're the one with the shovel. And they're the one just lying there. Um... I would have rather hit it with my car or something and just... I was just smacking the hell out of that thing. That was a mess. And we just left him there. I didn't eat it. I didn't want to eat that. That guy. Why do you ask? Jan: [on the phone] This is Jan. Michael: His name was Devon. Jan: Excuse me? Michael: The human being man's name was Devon. Jan: Devon. The... Oh, is this the man that you... Michael: [talking over Jan] Yes, yes, yes. Jan: The person that you fired, Michael? Michael: Yes, it is. Jan: Is that what you're... Okay. Oh, you sound a little... A little upset. Michael: Uh, well, I am. A little. Justifiably. My Halloween is ruined. Jan: Well, I have to say that I am impressed, Michael. I know... I know how hard that was. Michael: Do you? I don't think you do. Devon was one of my best buddies. And now he hates me. Jan: Well, I'm glad you did it, Michael. Michael: [talking over Jan] You're glad? Jan: And so, good job. Good job. Michael: Thanks. Thanks so much. You think it was good? Jan: Yeah. Good job. Michael: [talking over Jan] Think I did a good job? Great. I feel good. I'm gonna give myself a pat on the back. Jan: [talking over Michael] Yup. Yes. Michael: There. I'm doing it. Right there. Great. Dwight: You're supposed to be a cat? Angela: Yes. Creed: You know, guys, Michael has really incredible decision-making abilities. Michael's really incredible at making decisions. Michael: [camera pans over, Michael is sitting in a chair] Yeah, blah, blah, blah. Dwight: Pussy. Here, pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Here, pussy, pussy. Meow. Michael: You people are revolting. By far, the least popular people here. I should have fired you. Who knew Devon was so popular and had so many friends. So well-loved. Dwight: I feel like I made the right choice. Things happen for a reason. I wasn't destined to go to Cumberland Mills. Just like Anakin Skywalker was destined to become Darth Vader, I am destined to sell paper here at Dunder Mifflin. That's what I was put on this earth to do.

Dwight: Where is my desk? Jim: That is weird. Dwight: This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional. Jim: Ok, well, you're the one who lost the desk. Dwight: I didn't lose my desk. Jim: Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it? Dwight: Okay, who moved my desk? Jim: I think you should retrace your steps. Dwight: Ok, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished! Jim: Colder... warmer... little warmer... there you go, ooh, warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer ... cold, cold, cold, back up... ooh, ooh, warmer, hot, red hot, hot, very hot. Dwight: [In bathroom, answers phone] Dwight Schrute. Jim: [On the phone with Dwight] Hi, Dwight, um, what sort of discounts are we giving on the 20 lb white model. Dwight: Jim, I've given you this information, like, twenty times. Jim: I know. Dwight: It's by the ream? Jim: Uh, yeah, ream. Dwight: ...now, $9.78, signs and discounts 7%. Jim: Ok, thank you, gotta get back to work. Dwight: Wash your hands, Kevin. Jim: [On the phone] Right, oh let me just check the pricing list. Hold on one second... Dwight: [Also on the phone] Sensei, hello it's Sempai... Jim: Umm... Dwight: Dwight... Jim: You know what, let me give you a call right back. I'm going to uh, find it and then I'll call you back, thanks. Dwight: Yes, I just had a ques-... Yes Sensei. Arigatou gozaimashita. Hai. Jim: Was that your mom? Dwight: No, that was my Sensei. Jim: Oh, I thought it was your mom. Dwight: I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei. Jim: Assistant to the Sensei, that's pretty cool. Dwight: Assistant Sensei. Jim: Ok. Dwight: I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate, here in Scranton. My Sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt, and gave me the duties of a Sempai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a Sempai is, but it is equally as respected as a Sensei. Stanley: I don't want to stay until seven again this year. Pam: I don't really have any control over that Stanley. Pam: Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Umm, time cards, he has to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter. But once a year, it all falls on the same Friday and that's today. I call it the Perfect Storm. Michael: [singing and tapping on his coffee mug] I don't want to work, I just want to bang on this mug all day. Ryan: Did you ask me here for any specific reason? Michael: Uhh, yes, I did, here's the dizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information. Ryan: Why is that secret? [Pam knocks and walks into Michael's office] Michael: [to Pam] Hello, oh God, busy work. Ahh, get away, cretin. Pam: Umm, I put stickers so you know where to sign. Michael: Yes, thank you. I know where to sign. Pam: It's just last year you... Michael: Last year they were out of order, weren't they Pam? Pam: Well, the last pick-up for overnight deliveries is at seven. So you need to have them signed by then. Or much earlier. Michael: Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-M-S-ing. That's pretty good. Um, actually, I'm sending Ryan on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is. Ryan: Updating emergency contacts. Pam: Well, is that really a priority? Michael: Is it a priority? Oh I don't know, um, what if there is a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble. 'Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can't because we don't have any emergency contact information because Pam said it wasn't a priority.' Think. Think with your head, Pam. Ok, well. She walks out. That's the problem with being a boss is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you. Ryan: Catch-22. Michael: Catch-22. Yes. Why don't you give me your contact information to start with, ok, what's your cell? Jim: Uh, Larissa Halpert. Ryan: What's her address? [Ryan's cell phone rings] Jim: 117 Mount Bergin St. Ryan: Hello? Michael: [in his office on his cell phone, talking in a fake high voice] Hey Ryan. This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland. Ryan: Do you mean Neverland? Michael: This is Tito. Ryan: What? Michael: Calling from... [Ryan hangs up] Pam: [Reading Jim's palm] You're major and minor lines cross at a ridge - that sucks. Jim: You making this up as you go along, aren't you? Pam: I am just following the website. Jim: Well, at least I don't have cavities. Pam: Yes, you have very nice teeth. Jim: Thanks. Ryan: Who is your emergency contact? [Ryan's phone rings] Kevin: Stacy. Ryan: [looks to see who is calling but doesn't pick up] Michael: [Taps on the glass in his office to get Ryan's attention] Pick up. Ryan: Hello? Michael: [in a high pitched voice] This is Mike Tyson. Jim: Hey, Dwight. As Sempai, do you think there is ever going to be a day where humans and robots can peacefully co-exist? Dwight: Impossible. The way they're programmed... You're mocking me. Jim: No I'm not. Dwight: Look, I'm going to offer you a little piece of advice. I'm not afraid to make an example out of you. Jim: Oh, that's not advice. What advice sounds like is this: umm, don't ever bring your purple belt to work because someone might steal it. [reveals Dwight's purple belt] Dwight: Ok, give that back to me. Jim: Ok, say please. Dwight: No. That is not a toy. Jim: Please? Dwight: Please? Jim: Good, and it absolutely is a toy. Arigatou. Dwight: Arigatou. This is not a toy. This is a message to the entire office so they can see that I am capable of physically dominating them. Michael: And this is more a ying-yang thing. The 'Michael' all cursive, the 'Scott' all caps. Left brain, right brain. Or, duality of man. Pam: Could you practice on the forms? Dwight: No women or children, unless provoked. Jim: Ok, Roy? Dwight: Warehouse guy. Doesn't count. Jim: Ok. Michael? Could you beat up Michael? Michael: Yeah, yeah, I don't think that would happen. Dwight: Because we're friends. Michael: Because I would kick his ass. Jim: Well, Dwight's a purple belt, so... Michael: So? I've beaten up black belts. Jim: Uh, how did you know they were black belts? Michael: They told me. After. You see, I used to run with a very tough crowd. Street Fighter types. Real, real bad people, I'm just lucky I got out. Ryan: Is your wife still your contact? Toby: Um, ex-wife. Yeah. Um, her last name is 'Becker' now. Ryan: Kay. Toby: You don't need to write 'ex'. Michael: And after that, nobody ever messed with the 'Damn Rascals' ever again. Jim: Sounds tough. When you're a Jet, [starts snapping] you're a Jet all the way, right? Michael: You were a Jet? Angela: Have you signed the expense reports yet? Michael: Yes, in theory, I have. I just need to cross some t's and dot some i's. Alright, I'm going to be in my office if anybody needs me. [Puts Dwight in a headlock] Hoo-hah. Oh, wow, sleeper hold. That's my rebuttal. Shhh. Hoo. You are the weakest link. Dwight: Argggg! Michael: I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends - I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments. And that's when it is nice to let them know that you can beat them up. Michael: Just hit me. You'll see. Jim: I can't. I just got a manicure. Michael: Oh, queer... [realizes he is on camera] eye. Queer eye. That's a good show. Important show. Go ahead. Do it. Jim: Just have Dwight punch you. Michael: Oh yeah, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of fourteen year old girls who can kick his ass. Jim: You know a ton of fourteen year old girls? Dwight: What belt are they? Michael: Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented 'Armageddon'... Dwight: No! Michael: ... he cried at the end of it. He did. Dwight: Michael, I told you, it was because it was New Year's Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight. Michael: Oh, Bruce Willis. Are they going to leave him on the asteroid? Dwight: Ok, I'll punch you. Michael: Ok, here we go. Alright, come on. Dwight: Kiyah! Michael: Fuuuaaaahhhhh... oohhhhh! Dwight: Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not. Jim: Are you ok? Are you sure you are alright? Michael: Yeah. [Jim opens office door for Michael] Thank you. Dwight: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight. Jim: Ok, he has to be stopped. Please, please, please, please, just ask Michael. Pam: I don't know. Jim: Ok, I'll buy you a bag of chips. Pam: French Onion? Jim: Obviously. Pam: Ok. Jim: Yes. Dwight: [to Kevin, who he is teaching to fight] Take this pen and stab me with it. Michael: [Pam knocks on his door] Go away. Pam: I just have a quick question. Michael: I haven't signed them, ok? Pam: No, it's not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I'm probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car? Michael: Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough. Pam: He's a purple belt. That's really high. Michael: Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I could murder him. Pam: It's just out there, you... Michael: Oh, so that's what they are saying? Pam: Yeah. Michael: Ok, alright, where is Dwight? Jim: Uh, Kitchen. Michael: Ok. Kelly: Hi-yah! Dwight: Good. Kelly: Wow, that's actually pretty cool Dwight. Dwight: Now watch, let me take you from behind. Kelly: What? Michael: Watch out Kelly, he might sucker punch you. Dwight: I didn't sucker punch you, Michael. Michael: No, Really? Dwight: In case you remember, I was defending my honor... like a samurai. Michael: Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22. Dwight: Ok, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go! Michael: Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches: me punching you and you hitting the floor. Dwight: No, I would block your first punch rendering it ineffective. Michael: Really? Dwight: Yeah. Michael: You know what? You're just lucky that we are at work right now. Jim: Ooh, what about, uh, Dwight's dojo? Michael: No, they must have class. Dwight: No, it's free during the day. It's fine. Michael: Look... Dwight: I've got the key. Toby: Michael... Michael: Hey, Toby. Toby: Any word on those time cards? Michael: I've got an idea: why don't you leave right now. Why don't you walk away from the room, 'kay? Fine. We'll go at lunch. Pam, make an announcement. Figure out carpools. Jim: Um, well, we are all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight. Fight... Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, I'm coming, fight... Michael: I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll. Ira: Uh, no, it's not. Michael: I think it is. A guy told me about that. Ira: Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline. Michael: Oh. Jim: [Reading Pam's palm, while she has on extremely padded gloves] Wow, that is really interesting. Pam: What? Jim: Your love line- I'm just kidding. I can't see anything. Pam: Well, look closer. Jim: [Jim moves his head closer and Pam taps him gently in the face] Oh, ok. Pam: Once point for me. Jim: [Gently taps Pam on the forehead] Tied up. Pam: Oh, you're dead. Jim: What, what are you going to do? Bring it, Beesley. Bring it. Oh yeah, good move. Not such an ultimate fighter now. Pam: Hey, put me down. Put me down. [Meredith turns and looks at Jim and Pam] Oh my god, hey, put me down. Hey... Ira: Ok, gentlemen, listen up. After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. The first person to three wins. Alright? Dwight: Yes, Sensei! Michael: Alotta rules. Alotta rules. On the street we didn't have any rules. Maybe one - no kicks to the groin, home for dinner. Ira: Shi mate! Dwight: Hiii! [kicks Michael] Michael: Hey! Ira: Alright, break. Michael: What the hell was that? Dwight: Yes! Ira: Dwight - awarded a point. Michael: No. Dwight: Eat it! Michael: Alright, that's the way you want it. Dwight: Two more. Michael: Play dirty, huh? Ok, game on, man. Kevin: Sweep the leg. Michael: I'm comin' atcha man. Ok, purple belt, ok. I got him. Dwight: No. Michael: I got his pants. Dwight: It was my pants. Ira: No points for pants. Michael: Dwight, you have... No, you have something... God, you look like such an idiot! [Lots of yelling and flailing of arms by Michael and Dwight] Ira: Clean single kick, gentlemen. Michael: Go on, I dare you to kick there again. Kick there again, I dare ya. Ira: Ok, break. Break. Dwight: No holding. Michael: You can't see. You can't see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points, three points, four points. I win. I win. [Michael is using his head guard to hit Dwight] Eight points. Nine points. [Begins to hock a loogie] Dwight: No, stop it! Come on! Michael. Michael: Open your mouth. Dwight: No, Michael! Michael: You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? 'Raging Bull.' Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of work... Oh, oh check this out. Come here. [Michael opens his blinds and looks at Ryan in the parking lot] There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This'll be hilarious. [Calls Ryan on the phone, Ryan doesn't pick up after seeing that Michael is calling] Oh, we're playing phone tag. Ryan's Voicemail: Seven new messages. First New Message. [Michael's voice] 'Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein.' Next new message. 'Hi, Ryan. This is your girlfriend... and I'm mad!' Michael: My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. Do you know what the F. stands for? Ryan: Fudge? Michael: [knock at the door] Yeah... uh, come in. Oh, hey Karate Kid. The Hillary Swank version. Hi. How are ya? Dwight: I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott. Ryan: Ok, to what? Dwight: Just put 'The Hospital.' Contact number: just put 9-1-1. [Dwight leaves] Michael: He is such a sore loser. You heard, obviously, that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon. You know what, um, do yourself a favor and just keep me as his contact and I will call the hospital. Cut out the middle man. Kevin: Later Jim. Jim: Later, Kev. [Puts French Onion Potato Chips on Pam's desk] Have a good weekend. Pam: Yeah, you too. Michael: [Knock at the door] Yeah. Ryan: I have the emergency contacts. Michael: Yeah, just throw them on the chair. I'll take it from here. So, whatcha up to this weekend? Ryan: Uh, hanging out with some friends, probably. Michael: If you're doing anything crazy, give me a shout. Ryan: Yeah, alright, I'll um, see you Monday. Michael: Alright, bye. Michael: Dwight? Angela: Michael, did you finish yet? Michael: This close. Dwight, may I speak with you for a minute? Dwight: I'm busy. Michael: Well, [points at himself] busier. Making the time. Stanley: Michael, can't your conversation wait till Monday. Toby: We want to go home. Michael: Well, you don't even have anyone to go home to, Toby. Pam: The shipping place closes in a half hour. Michael: I know, but I've been carrying the load on my back all day, and if everybody would just chip in a little bit, it'd might help me out. What do you say? Let's gangbang this thing and go home. Good? Dwight. Angela: This is illegal. Stanley: I don't care. Michael: I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that? Dwight: Of course. Michael: And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager. Dwight: Michael, I don't know... Michael: I know, I know, I know, I wouldn't be offering it if I didn't think you could handle it. Dwight: I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office. Michael: No, no, title change only. Dwight: I'll have Pam send out a memo. Michael: No, no. Three month probationary period. Let's not tell anybody about this right now. Dwight: Just a formality. Michael: Absolutely but not really. Dwight: Michael, I have so much to learn from you. Michael: Yes you do. Dwight: Thank you, Sensei. Michael: And, ditto. Michael: I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. And I think I proved that today at the dojo. Master: [Dwight grunts] Great. Excellent. [Dwight yells] All right. That's okay. Dwight: [Dwight's pager goes off] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Hold on. Sorry, just one second. Master: Dwight, you can't use your pager in here, I told you. Dwight: Okay, I just... Master: Dwight... Dwight: It's a sales call. Master: Ten push-ups. Ten push-ups! Dwight: I can... Yes, sensei. Dwight: Do I feel bad that I haven't bonded with the other students? No, I'm not there to make friends. I'm there to attack people. Jim: What about Oscar? Could you beat Oscar? Dwight: No problem. Jim: I don't know. He looks pretty scrappy. Dwight: Unless he has a shiv, in which case it wouldn't be a fair fight. Jim: True. Meredith. Dwight: No women or children. Unless provoked. Jim: Okay. Roy. Dwight: Warehouse guy. Doesn't count. Jim: Okay. Michael. Could you beat up Michael? Michael: Yeah, I don't think that would happen. See, I used to run with a very tough crowd, street fighter types. Real, real bad people. I'm just lucky I got out. I was a bad ass mo-fo. Stanley knows what I'm talking about. Stanley: Excuse me? Michael: I've never lost a fight. You know why? My motto. Never say die. Dwight: You just said it. You just said it. Michael: No, that's not how I meant it. Dwight: Die. You just... You said it. Michael: Shut up, Dwight. Angela: Do you think he's signed them yet? Oscar: Signed what? Angela: Forget it. Is that chocolate-vanilla swirl? Oscar: Just chocolate. Angela? For the last time, I did not eat your chocolate-vanilla swirl. Kevin: Don't look at me. [smiles at camera] Angela: I don't know why I write my name on things. Kelly: Are you going to happy hour later? Meredith: I'm still recovering from last night. But maybe. Master: Sir, your shoes. Michael: Yes. Master: You're gonna have to take them off. It's a sign of respect. Michael: Oh. Well, in my office, if you took off your shoes, it would be a sign of disrespect. Stinkyfeetville. Kind of a ying-yang. [exclaiming] Oh, stretchin'. I like to stay tight. Compact. [Dwight screaming] Master: Here's your gear. Please put this on. Michael: Do you have, do you have anything in, like, black? Master: Okay. Gentlemen. [to Michael] You ready? [to both Michael and Dwight] Okay, listen up. Alyssa: Hi, sensei. Hi, Dwight. Master: [to camera] That's Alyssa. My senpai. She just qualified for regionals. Dwight: Alyssa? I guess she's technically the senpai. But nobody really respects her. The only reason she got into regionals was because her competition was a bunch of 13-year-old girls. Put me in that division. Let's see how she does. Michael: God, you look like such an idiot. [both yelling] [grunting] Michael: Stan the man. Stanley: Hi, Michael. Michael: Did you hear about the fight? Well, it wasn't much of a fight, actually. Stanley: No. Are those purchase orders signed? Michael: I opened a big can of whoop-ass on him. Stanley: Huh? What? Michael: I went medieval on his heinie. Stanley: Are those purchase orders signed? Michael: Hey, Stanley. I don't tell you how to do your job, do I? He... Stanley: Look, I just want to have a job, Michael. If we don't get these purchase orders... Michael: Grow a pair, Stanley. Right? There not gonna downsize because I miss a lot of deadlines. That's not how business works, okay? [sighs] Okay. Dwight: For the record, let me just say, Michael Scott has no honor. If he lived in Japan, he would be an outcast. Well, that's not totally true, 'cause Asians worship chest hair. I had a friend, a hairy friend, who lived in Japan. He told me the women would line up to satisfy his every need. So, and he wasn't even that attractive. Michael: [door opening] All right. Here you go, Princess. Just finished with part one. Pam: This is what you had Ryan do. Michael: Yes, under my tutelage. Pam: Well, what about the other stuff that has to be in today? Michael: If you didn't badger me with so many questions, Pam, I could be done with it by now.

Ryan: [entering office] Hey, have they left for the big meeting yet? I've got Michael's lucky tie. Jim: No. They're in the conference room. Ryan: Good. Pam: Wait, are those Michael's Levis? Ryan: Yeah, who dry-cleans jeans? Pam: Michael and his jeans. He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens. But I can tell you, he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that's why he started casual Fridays. Pam: [to Ryan] I'll take those. Thanks. [throws jeans under her desk] Jan: This is a projection of the county's needs... Michael: Wow, graphs and charts, somebody's really been doing their homework. Looks like USA Today. Jan: Thirteen schools, uh, two hospitals... Jim: So this possible client they're talking about, actually a big deal. It's Lackawanna County. Our whole county. And if we get this, they may not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years. And years. [groan] Years. Jan: So when we get to the Radisson, I'd like to, um- Michael: I changed it. To Chili's. Jan: Excuse me? Michael: Radisson just gives out this vibe, 'Oh, I'm doing business at the Radisson'. It's kind of snooty. So. Jan: You had no right to do that, Michael. Michael: Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine. Jan: It said that. Michael: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor. Jan: Alright. But you will let me run this meeting. Michael: Uh huh, uh huh. [under his breath] Power trip. Jan: What? Oscar: She had done a background check on me, she had it printed out. Jim: No... Oscar: Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner. Toby: That is unbelievable. Pam: What is going on? Jim: We are doing worst first dates. Pam: Oh my God, I win! Ok, it was a minor league hockey game. He brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me. Oscar: Ok, that's a joke. Pam: No, they had to come back for me. Jim: Wait, when was this? Pam: Umm... it was not that long ago. Kelly: Wait, not Roy. Say it's not your fiance. [laughs] Jim: I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy, but I never knew why. Interesting. Michael: Ok, let's do this thing. [to Pam] Wish us luck. Dwight: Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan. Jan: Thank you. Michael: [under his breath] Kiss ass. Ok, probably going to go late tonight. Burning the midnight tequila. So, I think you could all just take off now. Jan: Michael, shouldn't take more than an hour. Michael: Well... Jan: Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour? Michael: No, no. That would not be efficient. Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here. [Jan stares at Michael] That's not true. I know how to delegate, and they do more work done when I'm not here. Not more. The same amount of work is done, whether I am here or not. [another Jan stare] Hey, everybody, listen up. This is what we're gonna do. You sit tight, until I return. Sound good? Doesn't matter, it's an order. Follow it blindly, mwahahaha, ok? Alright, ciao. [to Oscar] Adios! Jan: So which way is Chili's? Michael: Uh, I'll drive. Jan: Oh, no, that's alright. I wanna leave straight from there. Michael: It's just a couple blocks away, so... boy, you really don't know Scranton, do you? Jan: I know Scranton. Michael: At all! Jan: Alright. Michael: You ever been to Scranton, Jan? Dar de- Jan: If it's a couple blocks away- Michael: Dar de dar. Jan: Ok. Michael: Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead. Michael: We should come up with a signal of some sort. Jan: Why would we need a signal? Michael: Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal- Jan: What kinda trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael? Michael: Well, I... it could be either of us. Jan: You're gonna let me do the talking, we agreed on that. Michael: Yeees. Michael: Hello? Christian? Christian: Yes. Michael: Thought that was you. Hi. Michael Scott. This is Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan: Just Jan Levinson. Michael: No Gould? Jan: No. [To Christian] Thank you very much for meeting with us. Have you been waiting long? Christian: No, not long. Michael: Uh, Jan, what happened? Jan: Michael. Michael: Is Gould dead? What uh- Jan: Michael, we got divorced, ok? [to Christian] I'm so sorry. Excuse me. Michael: Wow, you're kidding me! Do you wanna talk about? Jan: Michael. [to hostess] Uh, could we have a table for three, please? Michael: When did this happen? Jan: We're in a meeting. Michael: Ok. Hostess: This way, please. Jan: Christian. Michael: Alright, after you. Christian: Thank you. Michael: [mouths 'Wow' to the camera] Jan: I thought we could start by going over the needs of the county. Christian: Right. Well, Lackawanna County has not been immune to the slow economic growth over the past five years. So for us, the name of the game is budget reduction- Michael: Awesome blossom. Jan: What? Michael: [to Christian] I think we should share an Awesome Blossom, what do you say? They are awesome. Want to, Christian, blossom? Christian: Sure. Michael: Ok, it's done. Actually, [turns around] Megan, may we have an Awesome Blossom, please, extra awesome? Now it's done. Jan: So- Michael: I heard a- Jan: If you have a- Michael: Very very funny joke the other day. Wanna hear it? Jan: Christian, you don't have to listen to this. Christian: It's ok, I like jokes. Michael: Ok. Jan: Just the one. Michael: Just one joke. Ok. Well, if it's just gonna be one, I will think of a different joke. Umm... let's see... choo choo choo. Pam: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. Michael: Pam, it's Michael. I need you to go into my office and check some data for me. Pam: [to Michael on speakerphone] Ok, you want me to read 'em? Michael: Yes. Pam: Ok. Um, a fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue walking an animal behind him- Michael: No. Pam: When- Michael: Nope. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one. Pam: Ok. There's a transcript between a naval ship- Michael: Oh ho ho, yea! Bingo! And a lighthouse. Yes. That is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning? Pam: Sure. There's a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse. Jim: Is this real? [Pam dumps Michael's screenplay on Jim's desk] Pam: It is a screenplay. Starring himself. Jim: Agent Michael Scarn. Pam: Of the FBI. Jim: How long is this? [flips through pages] Oh, Pam. Good work! Oop, wait, stop. Drawings. Pam: What is that? Jim: Oh, those are drawings. In case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like. Michael: First guy says 'Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn'. And the second guy says, 'Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort'. And the third guy says 'I gotcha both beat, I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe'. Christian: Ohhh no! [laughs] Oh my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose! Jan: [to waitress] Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please? Jim: Do we all have our copy of 'Threat Level: Midnight', by Michael Scott? Everyone: Yeah, yeah. Jim: Alright, let's get this started. I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions, and Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta Jones. Phyllis: That's the character's name? Jim: Oh yeah- Dwight: Ok, you guys should not be doing this. Jim: Why not, Dwight? This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy. Dwight: You took something that doesn't belong to you. Jim: Dwight- Dwight: Brought it in here- Jim: Do you want to play- Dwight: Made copies of it- Jim: The lead role of Agent Michael Scarn? Michael: [making the mouth on his tie talk] Yum! Yum yum yum! [Christian laughs] That's delicious! I love it! Jan: We would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business, so, Dunder-Mifflin can provide a level of personal service to the county that the warehouse chains just can't match. Christian: Well, we are out to save money. Jan: What's the bottom line? Michael: Bop! Be blah bop, be boo boo bop. Michael: That's why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn't have to just shout non-sense words. That's her fault. Michael: Did somebody say 'baby back ribs'? Hmmm? Hmmmmm? Jan: I don't think Christian has time for that. Christian: I have time. Michael: [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back [Christian laughs] Michael and Christian: [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back- Michael: [singing] Chili's baby back ribs... Jim: [reading the screenplay] Inside the FBI, Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta Jones enters. Phyllis: Sir, you have some messages. Dwight: Not now! Phyllis: They're important. Dwight: Ok, what are they? Phyllis: First message is: 'I love you'. That's from me. Dwight: Not in a thousand years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk! Dwight: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of 'Oklahoma' in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good. Dwight: If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang. Ryan: Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight. Dwight: Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission. [Pam gets up to talk to Roy] Pam: Hey, uh, I have to work late. Roy: [looks around conference room] You're joking right? Jim: Michael Scarn takes out a nine-millimeter gun and shoots the- Dwight: Pow! Pow! Pow! Ryan: Hahaha, Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word. Kevin: Michael's movie? Two thumbs down. [Smiles] Heh. Jim: A man sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, turns to Michael Scarn. [out of character] Uh... Ooh, Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface? Oscar: Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet? Dwight: Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage. Ryan: I forget it, brutha. Dwight: Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you're disgusting, Dwigt. [out of character] Wait, who's Dwigt? Pam: Here's what we think happened. Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight. But then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace, but that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one Dwigt. And Dwight figured it out. Oops. Dwight: D-W-I-G-H-T. Dwight: Ok, you know what? I am done with this. That's it, the end. Jim: Well, some of us wanna keep reading, so- Dwight: Uh, you don't speak for everyone, Jim. Ok, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks. Anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now. Jim: That's actually a good idea. We'll all take a brief intermission. [To Pam] Hey, are you hungry? Pam: Yeah. Jim: Yeah? Christian: So after watching my mom go through so much pain, I decided to keep that promise, that I made to her, and take care of her. Michael: Woo, well, this brings us to Jan. Truth or Dare? Tell us about your divorce. Ohh, ohh. Jan: Oh no, Michael, Michael, please. No, really. Michael: Oh, so you're not gonna play? She's not playing. Christian: It's not fair. Michael: She's not playing the game. Jan: We'd been fighting for a while- Michael: Check please. Jan: He didn't want kids, but I knew that going into it. But he also knew that I did. I guess I thought that he would change his mind; he thought that I would change mine. Christian: You didn't. Jan: I was stupid. Michael and Christian: No. Michael: No, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid. Right? Christian: That's right. Michael: You know? Christian: You were really brave! You, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists. Michael: It's true. Christian: You said 'World, this is my blood! It's red, just like yours. So love me!' Jim: I had plans to meet a friend tonight. Which I had to cancel. But this is cool, too. I'm not a complainer. Jim: [Pam lights a candle] Wow. Pam: For the bugs. Jim: Nice. That's excellent, because bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwich. Pam: Yes... nice! I can't remember the last time someone made me dinner. Christian: Right down the street? Michael: Uh huh, Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on movin'. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have, I know how many schools we have. It's home, you know? I know the challenges this county's up against. Here's the thing about those discount suppliers. They don't care. They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business, and then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices. Christian: I know. Michael: It's bad. Christian: It's terrible. Michael: It, you know what, it really is. Jan: Uh- [Michael signals for her to shh] Christian: I don't know. I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me half way, ok, because they're expecting me to make cuts. Michael: Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but, uh, you think we could Jan? Jim: So, I guess I'll see you in [looks at watch] ten hours. Pam: What are you going to do with your time off? Jim: Travel. I've been looking forward to it. It's gonna be... really nice. Gonna find myself. Pam: [points to Jim's iPod] You have new music? Jim: Yeah. [Pam puts her hand out for an earbud] Definitely. Michael: [waving to Christian] See ya. Jan: Bye... thanks. [pumps fist] Yes! Michael: We did it! Jan: We got it! Michael: Nailed it. Nailed it! Come here. Jan: I am really- [Michael kisses Jan] Thrilled. [Michael and Jan kiss again] Let's go. Michael: What!? Jan: Let's go. Michael: Goin'. Ok. Where we goin'? Doesn't matter. Goin' to the go go. [nervous laugh] Oh-ok. Dwight: [waking up on office couch] Michael? Michael? [goes into Michael's office] Michael? [looks out Michael's window] His car's not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports. [taxi pulls into Dunder-Mifflin parking lot] Who's this? Jan? Michael: Morning, Pam. Hey. Michael: No, nothing happened. I-I swear, nothing happened. What, I'm, totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell, and neither do I. [laughs] No, seriously, guys, I'm not, I don't want to go into it at all. It's off limits. Fine, I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while. It was great. I mean she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm. So. Michael: Hello, Dwight. Dwight: Did you do her? Michael: Who. Dwight: Jan Levinson-Gould. Michael: Uh, no, no, no Gould. Dwight: Did you do her? Michael: This is none of your affair because she is your boss- Dwight: And she is your boss. Michael: And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman. And you know what? I don't think that I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. [to camera] Jan, I defend your honor. [to Dwight] Is that all? Jim: Jan didn't come back for her car last night. Pam: What!? Jim: Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta? Pam: Oh, I don't know... [Jim laughs, phone rings] Oh my God. This is Jan's cell. Jim: No way. Pam: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. Michael: I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question: do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I don't know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship. It's, uh, [phone rings] Excuse me. Hello? Hi! Just talking about you. The camera? No. Uh huh. How's traffic? I miss you. What. Ok. Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake. No. [to camera] Would you excuse me? [to Jan] No, I did not intentionally get you drunk. Um hmm. No, no. [goes under his desk] This is just a fight. This is just a first fight of many fights we're gonna have. Right. No. Wha-so-I don't understand, you wanna see other people. Only other people. Wh-why, ok, I think you're still a little bit drunk [to camera which is now under desk] Excuse me? Excuse me?! [to Jan] I think you're, yes, why don't you just come back here, go to the hotel, have a few drinks and-no, no. I didn't slip you something! Jim: Some might even say that we had our first date last night. Pam: Oh, really? Jim: Really. Pam: Why might some say that? Jim: Cause there was dinner, by candlelight. Pam: Uh hmm. Jim: Dinner and a show, if you include Michael's movie. [Pam nods reluctantly] And there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date. Pam: We didn't dance. Jim: You're right, we didn't dance. It was more like, swaying. But still romantic. Pam: Swaying isn't dancing. Jim: Least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game. Pam: I have some faxes to get out. Jim: Oh, come on, Pam. I- Jim: Ok, we didn't dance. I was totally joking anyway. I mean, it's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance. Right? Michael: Have you ever heard of Doctor David Friendly? Pam: Hmm... Michael: Doctor David Friendly's Egg Yolk Diet. It's, it's kind of unique. It's just, my diet the last couple months has consisted mostly of eggs yolks and cottage cheese. And, um, what you do, you don't just have the egg yolks, it's not like a Rocky thing. You do like hard boiled eggs and I got one a those melon ballers [shot of Michael peeling boiled egg] and I, it's just like a little ice cream scoop, and I just scoop out the middle of the egg and just pop it in my mouth. I don't even, I don't even use a plate anymore. Uh, the first couple weeks I did, but you know what, boom, I keep a melon baller in my desk so if I have a hard boiled egg [Jenna breaks as Pam and laughs] I know, I know! But you know what? It's perfect. I know it sounds ridiculous, it sounds ridiculous, but you know what? Dr. David Friendly, he came up with this thing. The guy, I think he was like four hundred pounds when he started, and he started with this... I, well, the melon baller was my idea. Kevin: Most of that is good. Michael: [throwing away food from the fridge] Not today, Kevin. Cannot be around carbs today. You know what one loaf of bread would do to my abs? Jan: I'm almost there, so we should have plenty of time to go over the presentation. Michael: Uh huh. Jan: And, uh, hmm, excuse me, I've also confirmed the meeting this afternoon at four p.m. Michael: Conflict! Jan: What? Michael: I have a conflict with that. Jan: What do you mean? Michael: Uh, I have a pajama party. At the Playboy Mansion. With the bunnies. Jan: Michael. I need you to take this seriously. Michael: I can't get out of it! Jan: Michael- Michael: Ok, alright. Jan: Are you hearing me? Michael: I'm hearing you, meeting confirmed. Jan: This is a very important- Michael: Meeting confirmed. Would you like your confirmation number? Please grab a pen, because I will only be repeating this once. Jan: [sighs] I'll see you in ten minutes. Michael: 42897. Ok. Michael: What is a closer? A closer is a sales term for someone who always gets the job done. And that is me. A B C, always be closing. Glen Garry, Glen Ross. 'Hey, gimme the Glen Ross leads.' 'No way, they're just for closers.' 'Do you know who you're talking to?' 'I'm Michael Scott.' 'Really? Well, take any lead you want.' 'No thanks, I don't need 'em.' Because I have a client list [taps screen] right here in my computer. [sighs] So suck on that. Jim: Hey. Pam: Hi. Jim: What are you doing? Pam: I don't know, I think I was just staring at my desk. Jim: Really? Do you wanna get back to that? I could go. I should go. Pam: Yeah, do you mind leaving? Jim: No, not at all. Pam: It's very important. Jim: Uh hmm. Pam: Thank you. Jim: Sure. Phyllis: Do you think they'll get the account. [Stanley stares at her] How come you never answer me? Stanley: I'm sorry, Phyllis. No, I don't think they'll get the account. Jim: [reading screenplay] Bullets are flying everywhere. Ooo, wait, last page, big finish. Here we go. Agent Michael Scarn kicks open the plane door with a karate chop. Dwight: A kick and a chop are two totally different things. Jim: Well, it's just a movie, Dwigt. Dwight: It doesn't make any sense. Oscar: Yeah, now it doesn't make any sense. Ryan: Don't jump Agent Scarn! There are no parachutes! Jim: Just then, Agent Chang gets a bullet in the head. Pam: Oh! So close to retirement. Jim: Another bullets heads towards Agent Michael Scarn, but he jumps out of the plane without a parachute. Ryan: Is that it? Jim: Yup, I guess so. Phyllis: Does he die? Pam: I sincerely doubt it. Angela: I have to say, I think this is a terrible movie. Jim: What was my worst first date? Umm. It was a couple of years ago. It was a lunch date, actually, it was right down here, at Cugino's. And we had just met, and we really hit it off, it was, it was kinda nice. Umm, huh. And, uh, then, as it turned out, it wasn't even a date, because she was actually in love with someone else. So, best first date is also my worst first date. Oddly enough.

Dwight: [bouncing on an exercise ball] You should get one of these. Jim: No. Thank you. Dwight: Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts. Jim: Done. Dwight: This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. [knocks things around Jim's desk] Sorry. Jim: S'ok. Dwight: Numerous health benefits, strengthens your back, better performance in sports, more enjoyable sex. Jim: You're not having sex. Dwight: Plus, improves your reflexes [knocks over more stuff] see, I would have caught that. Jim: Ok, you know what, uh, how much is that? Dwight: It's only twenty-five bucks. Jim: Wow. Um, ok. [pops Dwight's orb with scissors] Michael: Pam, could I see you in my office? Pam: It's performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don't really know what to expect. Michael: Pam, you're trustworthy- Pam: Thank you. Michael: And a woman- Pam: Oh, no. Michael: And I want you to listen to a voicemail from my boss. [Jan on recording] 'Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you. I'll, uh, be there this afternoon for performance reviews. I hope it's understood that that will be our only topic of discussion. See you soon.' First impressions? Pam: Uh, just off the top... I think she'll be here this afternoon. Michael: My boss is coming in today, the lovely Jan Levinson-Gould will, well, no Gould. The Gould has been [makes slashing neck hand motion] swack, divorced. Um, the awkward part is that this will be the first time that we'll be seeing each other since, well, uh, it was really nothing. We just sort of got caught up in the moment. The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the understanding, with rugged good-looks, office manager. Just, uh, she didn't want it to continue for some reason. It, we both, I didn't want it, we both didn't want it to continue. Was not professional. Um, when people say something's mutual, it never is. But this was mutual. Michael: [playing Jan's message] 'I guess I missed you.' I guess I missed you. So, she misses me? Pam: She missed you. Michael: But then she goes on to say 'that will be our only topic of discussion'. That doesn't mean anything, those are just words. Pam: I have one idea of what it means. Michael: Ok. Yeah, what, what? Pam: Well I don't think you're gonna be very happy with this. Michael: Ohhh, great. Well, now I'm in a terrible mood. Let's do your performance review- Pam: Because she's conflicted. She has to be professional, but she's fighting feelings... for you. Michael: Ah, why, that's great news? That, that, then why would, why would I not like that? Pam: Um, just cause, that, you work together, and it might be awkward. Michael: Oh, wow, wow. Alright, let's listen to that again. [plays Jan's message] 'Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you'. Dwight: Oh, hey, listen, Jim. Here's a little tip for your performance review. Jim: Ok. Dwight: Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders. Jim: We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders. Dwight: Oh, yes, we do. Jim: No, we don't. Dwight: Yeah, it's a new product. So, you should just suggest that to him and he'll be sure to give you a raise. Jim: Alright... well, I'm not asking for a raise. I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease. Dwight: Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you? Jim: I win. Dwight: Ugh, you know what? I am going to zone you out for the rest of today. I need to stay focused, and I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go on Monday. Uh, stupid. Jim: Wait, wait; one thing. Uh, by tomorrow, you mean Saturday, right? Dwight: Uh, duh. Jim: Duh. Jim: Today is Thursday. But Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon. Stanley: Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words. Michael: Really? Stanley: Oh, yes. Let's listen to it again. And this time, really listen to the pauses. Michael: God, Stanley, that's frickin' brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? Sorry. Stanley: Oh, no, that's ok. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto, in fact. Michael: No kidding. Stanley: It's all about my bonus. Pam: Michael and Jan definitely made out. Jim: Ohh... Pam: Maybe more. Jim: Eck!... Oh! Also, it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So, keep that goin'. Pam: Oh, yea! Michael: Good work, Stanley. Great performance review. Stanley in the house, everybody. Woo! Angela, your turn. Angela: I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit. And I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny. Pam: Michael? Michael: Yeah? Pam: Jan's on the phone for you. Michael: Oh; Angela, you were totally satisfactory this year. Michael: Interesting. Jan is calling me. Maybe it wasn't so mutual after all. [puts Jan on speakerphone] Yeah? Jan: Michael. Michael: Jan! To what do I owe this pleasure? Jan: I am returning your many calls. Michael: Well, hello to you, too. Um, yeah, I was just um, I just wanted to get some closure on uh, what transpired between us at the meeting we had in the parking lot of the Chili's. Jan: No. No, we won't be discussing that, Michael. The only things I wanna talk about during your performance review are your concrete ideas to improve your branch. Michael: Well, surely this uh, review is a formality because of what happened uh, at our meeting in the parking lot of Chili's. Jan: Uh, your review is anything but a formality, Michael. Michael: Oh. Jan: I expect you to forget anything that you think may have happened between us and exhibit completely professional behavior. Michael: Been thinking about you. Jan: Ok, that is an example of completely unprofessional behavior. Michael: Um, I don't see how that's unprofessional. Just- Jan: Michael. Michael: Yep. Jan: Are the cameras with you... Michael: No. Jan: ...in your office? Michael: They are not. Yes, they are. [Jan hangs up] That's my girlfriend. Kevin: I heard they made out and had sex. Oscar: No, they just made out. That's it. Kevin: Well, I heard they made out Angela: Don't talk about it. Office romances are nobody's business but the people involved. Kevin: Romances? Michael: Pam, I have ideas on a daily basis. I know I do. I have a clear memory of telling people my ideas. Um, is there any chance you wrote any of my ideas down? In a folder? A 'Michael-idea' folder? Pam: Sorry. Michael: That's unfortunate. How 'bout the suggestion box? There's tons of ideas in there. Pam: What suggestion box? Michael: The suggestion box that I put out, and people could be put in suggestions anonymously? Maybe there's prizes? Pam: Oh, yeah. Uh, I think I remember that from back from when I first started. Michael: Why don't you find it and tell people to get theirs... never mind, I'll tell them. Hello, everybody? Yeah, uh, attention, please. Jan Levinson's coming, very soon, and so, we're going to have our weekly suggestion box meeting, so you can all get your constructive compliments in a.s.a.p. Ryan: Don't you mean constructive criticism? Michael: What did I say? Kelly: You said 'constructive complements'; that doesn't make any sense. Michael: Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions. 'K? Jim: [on phone] Hey, Dan, this is Jim, and it is about 11:15, and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow, which is the fifteenth, and that is a... Dwight: Saturday. Jim: [pumps fist] ...Saturday, so just let me know what you're doing tomorrow, Saturday, for lunch. Ok, talk to you soon. Jan: [on phone] We'll address this in the meeting then. Ok. Ok, bye-bye. [to Pam] Could you please tell Michael that I'm here? Pam: Sure. Michael: Hi, Jan. How are you? Jan: I'm good; how are you? Michael: Good to see you. Jan: Nice to see you. Michael: Ok. [tries to kiss Jan's hand] Ok, why don't we just step into my office? We're gonna go in here. Jan: Can we please go in your office? Michael: Yep, right after you. Apres-vous. [mouths to Pam] No calls. Kevin: Oooo. Michael: Alright [takes Jan's coat]. Jan: Thank you. Michael: It's nice to see you. Jan: Nice to see you too, Michael. Michael: Really? Jan: Not like that. Michael: Oh, well. Jan: You know Michael, I think I need to make something clear right off the top. I'm not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder-Mifflin business. Michael: Alright. Jan: Period. Michael: Yep. Jan: Do we understand each other. Michael: Absolutely. Michael: I'm a little confused. 'Cause first it's all like kissy-kissy. And then it's like all regret. Because 'Oh, I regret that.' But, 'Wait, I'm still gonna call you.' But, but, 'We're just gonna talk business. And I may come down and fire you if you don't do your job.' But what were talking about when we first kissed? Business. Jan: So are you still in the middle of the performance reviews then? Michael: No, no, no, I finished all of that. I'm very fast. I'm not too fast. Not like wham-bam-thank ya ma'am. But I do say thank ya ma'am. But, I'm, I'm not like wham-bam. Not that there's anything wrong with wham-bam. If it's consensual. [cold Jan stare] We're talking about office stuff. Can I ask you a question? Jan: No. Michael: This is a business question. It's nothing personal, I promise. Jan: Fine. Michael: Are you wearing a new perfume today? Jan: How is that a business question? Michael: Well, you're wearing it at the office. And [smells Jan] it, I'm sorry, but no offense, but it's really sexy. Jan: Please don't smell me, Michael. Pam: Hey, Jim. Jim: Hey, how's it goin'? Pam: Oh my God, did you see 'The Apprentice' last night? Jim: Course, it's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it? Pam: Can you believe who Trump fired? Jim: No, that was unbelievable. Dwight: Who? Who was it? Who did he fire? Pam: You didn't see it? Dwight: No, I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never go out on a Thursday night; what the hell was I thinking? Michael: I don't understand- [phone rings] Hold on. Sorry. [answers] Yes, Pam. Pam: Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting. Michael: I'm kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn't interrupt. Pam: You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here. Michael: I did not, not, not use those words. Jan: Uh, I'd like to sit in on that meeting [to Pam] is it happening right now? Michael: No, it's in like ten minutes. Pam: Everyone's waiting in the conference room. Jan: Great. Very good. Michael: Why are we here? Because I value your opinions. Now, I know a lot of don't think that I read your suggestions, but I do. I just sift through them every week and I really look and scrutinize to see what you guys are writing. Um, so, let's, uh, just read some of these suckers. Alright. Number one: 'What should we do to prepare for Y2K?' Dwight: What should we do to prepare for Y2K? Kelly: I thought you read these every week. Michael: Well, obviously this one got stuck in the box. [to Jan] That happens occasionally. Dwight: It happens occasionally. Michael: And, um, one down. Next suggestion: 'we need better outreach for employees fighting depression'. Ok, alright, enough with the jokes. Nobody in here is suffering from depression. Jan: That sounds serious, Michael. Michael: Oh, ok, well, yeah, who wrote it? Dwight: Tom? Michael: Tom. Then it is a joke because there is nobody in here named Tom. Phyllis: Tom? He worked in accounting up until about a year ago. [blank stares] Tom? [acts like she's shooting herself in the head] Pow. Michael: Oh, that guy? That guy was weird. Alright, next suggestion. Dwight: Next suggestion. Michael: Arrr, dooby dooby do. 'You need to do something about your B.O.' Dwight: You need to do something about your B.O. Michael: Ok, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for, but it's more of a personal suggestion and it's not an office suggestion. Far be it for me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody. Toby: Aren't the suggestions meant for you? Michael: Well, Toby, if by me you are inferring that I have B.O., then I would say that is a very poor choice of words. Creed: Uh, Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring. Michael: Was I, Creed?! Ok, well, you know what? I am implying is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs, because talk about stank. Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will. I just think it's something that we should all be aware of. Ok? Now that we've learned this, let's continue. See, this is good, we're learning and we're figuring some stuff out. 'You need to do something about your coffee breath'- Dwight: You need- Michael: Ok. Dwight: To do something about- Michael: Shut up, shut up, shut up, Dwight, OK. I don't think you people are grasping the concept of the suggestion box. Angela: Sometimes you talk to us real close. Michael: Yeah, is that hard for you? Alright, well- Angela: Well, when you have coffee breath- Michael: I'll work on that- Angela: It's hard. Michael: Let's keep going. Keep it going. Yep. What do we have here? We have somebody's piece of gum. Somebody put a piece of gum in there. This is not a, a garbage can, this is the future of our company. This is not a place for gum. I don't wanna have to read these tomorrow. Dwight: Yeah, who wants to come in on a Saturday? Michael: Yeah, what? Uh, alright, next suggestion. Dwight: Next suggestion. Michael: Don't sl-', ok, that's blank [Dwight picks up note] Don't, just put it- Dwight: Don't sleep with your boss'? Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan? Jan: I can't, I can't- Michael: I don't understand why you're so upset. Jan: Please sit down. Michael: Let me ask you- Jan: You're gonna sit here and I'm gonna go sit over there. Michael: Ok, let me ask you this. Jan: Please, sit yourself down. Michael: Let me ask you something. Jan: What, Michael. Michael: Where did you get your outfit? Dwight: [loud metal music playing in a stairwell; Dwight pacing] You are giving me this raise! I deserve this raise! [plays air guitar] Yes! [kicks] Yes! Yes! Hiya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation! Keeya eyah! Yes! Why are you gonna give me this raise? Why? Because... I'm awesome! I am awesome! Michael: I just don't understand why you have to pretend like nothing happened. Jan: Because nothing did, Michael. It, I'm not going to say anything more about it, and I would advise that you do the same Michael: Look- Dwight: Michael? Michael: Oh my God... Dwight: I'm sorry, am I interrupting? Oh God; were you guys making out? Jan: No, Dwight; come in. Dwight: Great. Michael: What do you want Dwight? Dwight: I am ready for my performance review. Michael: Ok, great. Your performance has been adequate. You may leave; goodbye. Jan: Is this how you've been conducting all the reviews, Michael? Michael: You wanna talk now, good; OK, Dwight, leave. Dwight: Uh, wait, I would like to discuss my raise? Michael: Why on earth would we give you a raise? Dwight: That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking. Let me bring up one word: dedication. [points to graphs] I have never been late. Also, I have never missed a day due to illness. [Michael sighs] Even when I had walking pneumonia. I even come in on holidays. Michael: You do? How do you get in? Dwight: I have a copy of your key. Jan: That's a serious offense! Michael: That is a serious offense. Very serious. As is toying with a man's heart. Jan: Oh! Michael, for God sakes! Dwight: I'd also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace. Michael: Ok, third wheel, why don't you do that? Dwight: For instance, the time I brought in deer jerky for the whole office. Michael: That was deer!? Gross, oh! Dwight: You liked it! Michael: Oh, did not! Dwight: Jan, have you ever had deer? Jan: No. Dwight: It's a delicacy. And you know what? It's an aphrodisiac. So when we're done here, you guys could go over to The Antler Lodge, sample some deer and talk about my raise. Michael: What do you say, Jan? Jan: Ok! Here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna step outside, collect my thoughts, and I will return in about ten minutes. Michael: Ok. You just, uh, clear your head. Jan: [Dwight opens door] Thank you, Dwight. Jan: Look, I know it's your job, I know you have to ask, but I promise you, I'm not gonna discuss it with him, I'm certainly not gonna discuss it with you. [digs a cigarette out of her purse] Do you have a light? Dwight: And in conclusion, I think that Lex Luthor said it best when he said 'Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of'. Michael: That's from Superman? Dwight: Smallville. And that is why, I feel, that I deserve this raise. Pam: Do you think Michael and Jan actually... Jim: I don't really wanna picture it. But thank you, Pam. Pam: How do you come back from that? Jim: Um, you don't, I don't think, come all the way back, you know. Especially working together. Pam: No, I mean doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that? Jim: Oh- Pam: As a human being. Jim: Yeah, no, I don't think you can. Jan: I'm heading back to New York; Alan and I will conduct your performance review over the phone tomorrow. Michael: Wait. Jan: K? Michael: Wait, wait, wait, come, I just, I just wanna know why? Jan: Michael, now is not the time or the place. Michael: Ok, so you're saying that there is a different time or place? Jan: No, I am saying we are never having this conversation. Michael: Well, ok, well never as in 'never ever ever', or never as in there's still a chance? Jan: Never, for me, always means 'never ever ever.' Michael: I just want to know, from the horse's mouth, what is the dealio? Jan: Michael, it has nothing- Michael: Am I too short? Jan: With your looks, ok? It's your personality. I mean, you're obnoxious, and rude, and, and, and stupid, and you do have coffee breath, by the way, and, and I don't agree about the b.o., but you are very, very inconsiderate. Michael: Really? Jan: Really. You're, you're, you're a great guy, ok? Michael: I appreciate that, thank you. Jan: And you were very sweet, and you stayed up with me and talked with me, cried with me, and I appreciate that- Michael: No, I wasn't, I didn't cry- Jan: At this time in my life. I just am not in the place right now where I'm looking for a relationship, so we can still work together, we can still be friends but... ok? Michael: So my looks have nothing to do with it? Jan: Ohhh, God. Michael: Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now. And it doesn't matter how great a guy I am. And that is all I needed; I'm good. I can go home now. Michael: Hey, it's 12:20; where the hell's Dwight? Jim: Ummm... no idea. Michael: Never missed a day, my ass. Pam: [Jim bows to Pam; she bows back] Thank you. Dwight: [running through parking lot] I'm here! I'm here! I'm here! It's ok! Michael: Oscar, I'm ready for you. Oscar: Today is performance-review day, company-wide, and I'm a little concerned about my review. I exceeded my sick days and my personal days because I just couldn't take it. And I don't have a good answer for him, when he asks me. Michael: So... Oscar: Michael, I don't know what to say. Michael: Um, you're in accounting... Oscar: Yes, I'm in accounting and I'm sorry and all the extra days. I know I passed my limit. Michael: So, good, good, good. Something to work toward, being here more. I'm a big believer in people being here more. Oscar: Yes. Dwight: You know what this is? Jim: Yes. Dwight: No, you don't. Jim: Then why the question? Dwight: This is a visual aid for my performance review. Budget is tight, and if anyone is getting a raise, it is gonna be a fight to the death. And I intend on winning that fight. 'Dwight: determined, worker, intense, good worker, hard worker, terrific. Dwight.' Jim: I have one, too. Jim. Jim, Is Jim. My name is Jim. Dwight: That's a total waste of your 'M.' Jim: Really? Dwight: Yeah. Jim: You have a better idea? Dwight: Yeah, magnificent worker, marvelous worker, more money for this worker. Man, I like this worker. Mighty worker. That's good. That's good. Jim: I'll use that. Jan: I am not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder Mifflin business. Michael: All right. Jan: Period. Michael: Yup. Jan: Do we understand each other? Michael: Absolutely. Michael: I am not going to discuss anything outside of Dunder Mifflin business, period.' Okay. Now, why would Jan say she only wants to talk business and then make it clear that she is on her period? God, I don't understand women. How about a clear signal, right? Is that too much to ask? Jim: So, that's... It's great. Michael: Yes, it is. Jim: Yeah. You have fun? Michael: Yes, I did. Jim: Did you go to first base? Michael: Hell, yeah. Jim: Oh, yeah? Michael: Yeah. Jim: Did you go to second? Michael: What? Jim: Second. Michael: Kind of, yeah. Over the shirt, my elbow, but... Jim: Okay, so close call at second. Was there an infield fly? Michael: Um, yup, wait, yes. Jim: Pop-up? Michael: No, there... Later there was. Jim: Really? Michael: Yes. Jim: So, you got the signal from the third-base coach. You know what I'm saying? Like if there was a fly out to deep right, you know. A runner on second. He tagged up, didn't he? Michael: I didn't, you know, it was... It was dark, for one thing. Jim: Office romances. Um... [laughs] I think you should probably ask Pam 'cause she's in an office romance, technically. Michael: Let's just push on, shall we? Dwight: Pushing on. Michael: It's next. Just keep it. 'Look on the supply shelf.' What? What is that? All right, Ryan, look on the supply shelf, would you? Ryan: Yeah. It's another note. Michael: Okay, yeah. Ryan: Look on the windshield.' Michael: Okay. Dwight: Does it specify which windshield? Ryan: I'll check them all. Dwight: This ought to be good. Jim: Which one? Dwight: Oh, no, no. It's on the Miata. Pam: He sees it. Dwight: What does it say? Jim: He can't hear you? Michael: Okay, field trip's over. Come on. Could we please get back to this? Dwight: [clapping] Come on. Let's get back to this. Michael: All right, don't break any lands-speed records getting back, okay, Stanley? Stanley: I'm back. Michael: Christ Almighty. Ryan: Look under the sink in the men's room.' Michael: All right, next suggestion. Dwight: Next suggestion. Michael: Don't...' Okay, that's blank. Don't. Just... Dwight: Don't sleep with your boss.' Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan? Jan: Okay, let me make something clear. As embarrassing as this is, I feel that it needs to be said. There is nothing romantic or sexual going on with Michael and myself. Michael: Well... Jan: The other night, I gave him a polite congratulatory kiss because he just closed the biggest deal of his career. And that's it. If anything else has been implied, Dwight, or inferred, Michael, Creed, it's just not true, okay? It's not true. So... Is everyone straight on that? Michael: Crystal. Dwight: There's one more suggestion. Michael: How pleasant. You can... Dwight: Way to go man, Jan's really hot.' Michael: Okay, I think we're good. Pam: Oh, my God. When Dwight said no one wants to come in on a Saturday... Jim: I know. Pam: I almost lost it. That was too good. Jim: Well, that is because that is the gift that keeps on giving. Oh, my God. I left today's paper on my desk. Pam: You mean yesterday's paper. Jim: What? Yes, that is exactly what I mean. Wow. You are very good at what you do. Pam: Thank you. Dwight: Hey, temp. Ryan: Hey. Dwight: Look, we're twins. Ryan: Cool. Dwight: Bet you I got mine for less than yours. Ryan: I bet you did. Dwight: Getting a little something that calm the nerves? Ryan: What nerves? Dwight: For the performance review. Oh, wait, you don't get one. You're a temp. Ryan: Actually, I had mine already. Dwight: You're lying. Ryan: Why would I lie about a performance review? Dwight: Why would Michael give you one before me? Ryan: I think because my name is before yours in alphabetical order. [coins dropping] Dwight: How did it go? Ryan: Fine. He actually gave me a small raise, which I did not ask for. [hits vending machine] It's stuck. [Dwight begins throwing his entire body into the vending machine] It's cool, it fell. Dwight: [Wild Side playing] You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Yes, you are. You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Ya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation, right? You are gonna give me this raise! Why? Because I'm awesome, awesome, yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you for your time, dude. Champ. My lord, mi amigo. Mi amor. Ha! Wild side! I am ready. [groans] Michael: Yeah, that got a little out of control. Jan's taking a break, which is fine. I'm doing the same, just chilling. Getting my mind off of us. She's right. I need to be more professional at the office. When I'm at work, I need to focus on work. I should call her ex-husband. Michael: Hello, is this R. Gould? Hi there. My name is Michael Scott, I work at Dunder Mifflin. I believe I work with your wife, ex-wife, Jan. Yeah, that's right, yes. Um... I was wondering if I could ask a personal question about her. Mmm-hmm. Okay, well, could I ask anyway? Uh-huh. Well, I'm just gonna ask. When you guys were dating was she sort of easy to get and then really hard to get? Michael: Yeah, that Gould is a real interesting guy, a gem. I can see why he and Jan are no longer together. If my conversation with him is any measure of their relationship, he was verbally abusive, he was curt. He was... He had an inability to communicate, shall I say? He was emotionally unavailable. I don't know how she dealt with that as long as she did. Michael: Never... Jan: Never for me always means never, ever, ever. Michael: Well, then, Gould wasn't kidding. Jan: What? Michael: Nothing, I just... Jan: What did you say, Michael? Michael: Nothing. Jan: Did you call my ex? Michael: No, I did not. Jan: Gould, you said, Gould. Michael: Maybe I did. Maybe I called him, I don't know. Jan: How dare you, Michael? My personal life is off-limits to you. Michael: I... Jan: Okay, how dare you do that? Michael: I didn't do that. I... Maybe he called me. Jan: Why would he do that? Why would he call you, Michael? Why would my husband call you? Michael: Ex-husband, you have to let it go. Jan: I mean... Ryan: Look under the suggestion box.' 'I can't believe I kept this up all day.' Signed, me. Michael: What is an office? Is it a group of people? Maybe. Is it an idea? Of course, yes. Is it a living organism? Exactly, yes. And any single cell organism has to have a spine, and that's me. But the spine is always controlled by a brain, and that is Jan. But the brain needs a heart, and that is me again. So ironic. You know what? The heart is smarter than the brain. But the brain is so effing hot.

Michael: It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton, Pennsylvania. [sees man in a turban outside] Oh my God. Ohhh. [dials phone number] Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Oh, we have a serious problem here. [goes out onto office floor] Alright everybody, lock the doors, turn off the lights. Pretend you're not here. Jim: Are we in danger? Michael: There's no time to think about if this is real. Just, shh, everybody. [knock at the front door] Kevin: Michael, should I call the... [Michael waves his hands] What? Michael: The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start. Michael: Yeah, I tried to install it myself, but, uh, you guys have these things so password-protected... Sadiq (IT guy): That just means you have to enter your password. Michael: Oh... Sadiq (IT guy): What's your password, Michael? Michael: Oh, umm... [looks at Post-It on computer] Sadiq (IT guy): Oh, it's 1-2-3. Michael: Yes. Dwight: Mi- Michael: AH! Guh-oood. Dwight: Sorry. Michael: Please don't do that. Dwight: Ok, I'm sorry. What is going on in there? Why is he here? What are you doing? Michael: I can't tell you. Dwight: You have to tell me. Michael: I don't have to tell you anything. Dwight: Look, Michael, I know you don't want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over. Michael: Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, ok? I'm in the best shape of my life. Look at this. [flexes his arms] Brrr! That's strong! Dwight: Yeah, but that doesn't matter, you could get a brain aneurysm- Michael: I'm not going get a brain- Dwight: Or get hit by a car- Michael: Stop it. Dwight: Or a bus or a train. Get poisoned, fall in a well, step on a mine, choke. Michael: Uh, oh, ok; if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, ok? Why don't you just go... away? Michael: There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed, it- And I am not going to tell them that I'll be reading their e-mails. Michael: So how do you search? Sadiq (IT guy): By keyword phrase. Michael: Try 'profits'. No! Try 'Michael Scott'. 'Michael' 'boss' and 'funny'. [Sadiq (IT guy) types; result pops up] Oh my God, wow! [chuckles] E-mail from Stanley. Stanley, Terribly nice guy. [reads e-mail] 'Sorry I didn't write back sooner; I can't go to the game tonight because my boss Michael is an ass and making me stay late.' Well, Stanley's an ass. Not one of our harder workers. Oscar: Hey, what's the deal, Michael? Why are you spying on our computers? Michael: Oh, no, everybody; Oscar's gone crazy! What other ghost stories do you have for us? That I'm a robot? [robot voice] I will destroy everything in my path- Oscar: Actually, it's just- Michael: Beep! Bop! Oscar: Ok... Michael: Bommmm. Bop! Onk onk. [Tin Man voice] Oil can. Oil can. Oscar: Tin Man. Actually we just a got a memo from IT saying you're doing e-mail surveillance. Michael: Oh, what? No. That defeats the whole purpose. Dwight: So it's true? You have access to our e-mails? Michael: You know what the problem is? Stanley: I think I do. Michael: The problem is that when people hear the term 'big brother', they immediately think it's scary or bad, but I don't. I think, wow, I love my big brother. Kevin: I gotta erase a lotta stuff. A lot of stuff. Dwight: Oh hey, just so ya know, if you have a lot of sensitive e-mails, they need to be deleted immediately. Angela: I know. Dwight: Good. [Pam overhears] Pam: [whispers to Jim] Hey. Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to deleted all of her sensitive e-mails immediately. Jim: What? Pam: I know! Jim: Hmm... Pam: Do you think that they're like- Jim: No. Pam: No, right, no, no. Jim: [humming] Pam: Uhhh, ew, ew, ew... .Maybe? Pam: It's like squishing a spider under a book. It's gonna be really gross but I have to look and make sure that it's really dead. Sooo... [to camera guys] If you guys see anything... ? Pam: Hey, Dwight, um, my friend is kinda into these two girls that he works with. Dwight: Nice. Pam: One is tall and brunette, and the other one is short, and blonde, and perky, and kinda judgmental. Who do you think he should choose? Dwight: Does he have access to their medical records? Pam: Ummmm... Dwight: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we are down river from that old bread factory. Michael: Meredith has an E-vite from Jim. Barbeque at Jim's tonight. Tonight? Wonder where my e-vitation is. Click on guest list. Angela, Stanley, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed. Must be... .[scrolls down list] No. Pam: Hey, Angela- Angela: Hi. Pam: How's it going? Angela: It's ok. Pam: Listen, are you bringing anyone to Jim's party tonight? Angela: No. Are we supposed to? Pam: No. I mean, I don't know, I don't think so. Angela: Hmm... [Pam reaches towards vending machine] Excuse me. Pam: Oh. Michael: There's always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just nature's rule. It's intimidation mostly, it's the awareness that they are not me. I do think that I am very approachable, as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler. Kevin: That's pretty young. Pam: Yeah. Kevin: [to Michael] Are you gonna eat with us? Michael: Of course. Hangin' with my crew, crew that I am one of. Hangin' with my Cup of Noodles. This is a meal in a cup. Jim: Uh hum. Michael: Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. Mmmm... You know what I really, really miss about college? The parties. Everybody'd go. The athletes, the, the nerds, professors. Pam: The professors would go to the parties? Michael: Yeah! They were the most fun. We always invited them. Jim: It's true. I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, a karaoke machine, and I didn't invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party. And it's nothing personal, I just think that if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax, and you know, have fun, and my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks that I'm making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real. Pam: [to cameraman] What? [looks at Dwight eating a Baby Ruth] Ohhhh... Yes! Thank you! Dwight: Question: on the Internet there are several different options to get to your house for the party tonight- Jim: Oh, uh, no. Could- Dwight: I was wondering- Jim: Could, keep that down. Dwight: Why? Jim: Because not everybody knows about the party. Dwight: Like who? Who doesn't know? Jim: Umm, Michael. Dwight: Why just Michael? Jim: Because it's a surprise. Dwight: Is it? Jim: Uh hmm. Dwight: Oh, that's perfect! Jim: So, don't tell. Dwight: I won't. Jim: Ok. Jim: So, Dwight thinks that tonight is a surprise party for Michael. Pam: Really? That's great. Jim: I know. Pam: Maybe we can get him to hide and wait somewhere. Jim: [laughs] Oh man. Oh, you know what, speaking of which, I was just trying to get a handle on, you know, numbers for food and stuff. So do you think that Roy's gonna come, or... Pam: Oh, no, he can't make it. Jim: Oh, ok, cool. Michael: Hey there. Jim: Hey. Michael: Almost quittin' time. Jim: Yup, it's, uh, four o'clock. Michael: One more hour. Take care of anything you forgot to do. Hey, you know, I don't know if you have any plans tonight, but if ya don't, we could hang out. Jim: Oh, um... .I can't. Michael: You have plans. Jim: Uh hmm, definitely. Michael: I do, too. I do, too. Jim: You do? Michael: I do, yeah. Big plans. Jim: Because you said 'do you wanna hang out'- Michael: Tonight, I can't do it tonight, no. Improv class, I have improv class, hanging out with my improv buds- Jim: Really? Michael: Yeah. Jim: Aw, that sounds like a lot of fun. Michael: It's the best. It's the best. I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go. Jim: Improv sounds great. Michael: It is. Ok. Jim: Alright. Michael: [someone coughs] What? Jim: I think Stanley just coughed. Michael: Hey, Pam. Do you need me to walk to your vehicular transport? Pam: No thanks. Michael: Alright. Oscar, got big plans tonight with- Oscar: I'm on a call. Michael: Kevin, big man, big man, what are you doing tonight? Where are you off to? Kevin: My brother is in town and we are going to see the Alaska Film Festival at the Scien- Michael: Ok, alright. Kevin: Oh. Michael: Hey, Angela, rushy, rushy. Where you rushin' off to? Angela: I'm just leaving for the day. Michael: Yeah, well duh. Where ya headed? Angela: Charity. Bake drive. Michael: Liar! Angela: No! Michael: You are a liar. Angela: No, I'm not. Michael: Dwight, oh ho, Dwight, Dwight, my loyal compadre. You and I are hangin' tonight. The two of us. We are celebrating our freedom and our manhood. You know what? Why don't we watch that show that you've been wanting to watch, that stupid Battleship Galaxy. Dwight: Battlestar Galatica. Michael: That's, whatever stupid show you want- Dwight: I can't- Michael: To watch tonight Dwight: Tonight. Michael: We're watching it. Dwight: Unfortunately, I've got plans. I have to go to practice. Soccer practice. Michael: I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight. Dwight: Clarinet. Michael: You, too, Dwight? Dwight: Have fun tonight! Whatever it is that you're doing, and I'll see you Monday. [to the camera] He has no idea! Jim: Quick announcement everybody, if I could have everybody's attention. We do have wine in the kitchen, and, uh, there is beer available on the porch and despite what you might think, it's not all for Meredith and Kelly, so please enjoy. Dwight: Jim! You really think this is a good idea, huh? A hide-a-key rock? Mark: Hey, you must be Dwight! Dwight: You don't work with us. Jim: That's because Mark's my roommate. Mark: Hey, I love the Birkenstocks. Dwight: Thanks. Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car, for special occasions. Jim, come here. Jim: Uh hmm. Dwight: When is the guest of honor coming? Jim: Oh, uh, later-ish. Dwight: He's gonna love it! Jim: Great. [to a group of guests] Just wanna let you guys know that we will be taking the tour like I promised- Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey! Just in time! You wanna go on the group tour? We were just about to leave. Pam: Definitely. Jim: Well, the group tour is now leaving, then. Ladies and gentlemen, just a few things that we are gonna be pointing out to you today, you will be able to see both bedrooms and, uh, if we're lucky, maybe get a chance to peek into the bathroom, who knows. I have to remind you that flash photography is prohibited and as much as you can, please refrain from touching things. I know you might want to. Ryan: Hey, is Katy coming? Jim: Uh, actually, I haven't talked to her in a while. Ryan: Huh, is it ok if I call her? Jim: We can talk about that later. Improv Teacher: Ok, let's get right into it. I need two people for the first scene. Michael: [In Horshack voice from 'Welcome Back, Kotter'] Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo, Mr. Cart-air, Mr. Cart-air. Improv Teacher: Ok, Michael. And... anybody? How about Mary-Beth? Come on. Ok, so you start us off Mary-Beth. Mary-Beth: Great. [skips] La la la la la laaa... Michael: [fake kicks in door] Boom! Detective Michael Scarn. I'm with the FBI. Michael: Think about this; what is the most exciting thing that can happen, on TV, or in movies, or in real life? Somebody has a gun. [gasps] That's why I always start with a gun, because you can't top it, you just can't. Girl acting Pregnant: I'm supposed to meet my doctor here? Have ya seen him? He's a very angry midget. Michael: Boom! Freeze! Michael Scoon, FBI. You know what you did. Boom! Boom! Boom! [shoots at Pregnant Girl and another actor] Yeah, you thought that you could get away with your little ruse, didn't you? Didn't ya!? Well, you didn't, because I know where ya hid the diamonds. I been on to you and your little friends for weeks. [another actor steps in] Boom! Boom! Boom! Actor: I'm not even in the scene! Actress: Again!? Michael: Boom! Boom! Improv Teacher: Stop, stop, ok, stop. Michael: Boom! Boom! Improv Teacher: You shot me, great. Now stop. Michael: Why Improv Teacher: You can't just shoot everyone in the scene. Michael: Well, if you hadn't stopped the scene, you would have seen where it was going. Improv Teacher: Ok, what about the scene they set up? Michael: Boring. Improv Teacher: No, it wasn't. No more guns. Michael: I could of- Improv Teacher: No. No. Michael, I want you to give me all the guns you have. Michael: Ok. Improv Teacher: Just, I want you to get rid of all your guns and give them to me. Great. Michael: Yehhhehh. Improv Teacher: Yeeehh, ok. Pam: Jim's bedroom. Jim: See, I knew we lost somebody on the tour. It's- Pam: Cool... This is your desk. Jim: This is my desk. Pam: Your home office? Jim: My home office, this is it. Pam: Down. You have to sit down so I can get the full effect. Jim: Ok, sure. Will do. Pam: Ok, wait, so that would make me [walks to side of room] like right here. Jim: Yeah, that... Yep, that feels about right. Pam: And Dwight would be like- Jim: You know what? Let's just leave that image out of it, because this is a happy place. Happy thoughts, Pam. Happy thoughts. Pam: Umm, [gasps] yearbook! Jim: Yeah, you don't have to, ummm. Alright, yes, that's not gonna be awkward at all. Pam: [finds Jim's picture] Ooooohhh no! Jim: Oh yeah. Pam: You were so dorky! Jim: Thank you. Improv Teacher: Freeze! Michael: I'm in. Improv Teacher: You wanna go over the rules one more time? Michael: No, no, no. I'm looking in my wallet for money so you can tell me my fortune. Bill: I promise it's worthit . Ooo, I can see you walking out of here and you're thrilled with your reading. Michael: What are you... [whispers to Bill] Improv Teacher: Michael, what did you tell him? Michael: Nothing. Improv Teacher: Then why are his hands up? Bill? Bill: He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun. Improv Teacher: Ok, let's call it a day. Nice job, Bill. Michael: Good, it's good. Good work, everybody. Jim: Angela, burger? Dog? Havin' fun? Angela: I got sap on me. Jim: Chicken, hot dog, burger. Angela: I'm a vegetarian. Jim: There is soda inside. Angela: Guh. Stanley: I didn't think the premium laser color copy batch would sell as well as it did. Oscar: Yeah, it surprised us all. I'll tell you why. Because when they- Kelly: I'm sorry guys; can we please not talk about paper? There's gotta be something else we can talk about. Angela: I think it's alright. Jesus drank wine. [Pam overhears] Pam: Hey Phyllis, come here for a second. Phyllis: Sure. Pam: Have you heard anything about any secret office romances? Phyllis: You tell me. Well, you do mean you and Jim right? Oh God. I am so sorry, I thought, you guys hang out all the time and you're talking all the time. I'm sorry! Pam: That's ok. It's ok. Kevin: [smacks Ryan's hand] Not so fast... Fire Guy. Mary-Beth: How do I get to Bernie's Tavern from here? Bill: Oh, don't worry. We're all gonna carpool. Michael: So Bernie's, huh? We're all going to Bernie's? [to camera] Go to Bernie's? Bill: Oh sorry, we're not going as a group, it's just a private friend who just happens to know all of us from different ways is throwing a private birthday thing. Michael: Right, right, right. Well guys, I'd love to go to Bernie's with you, but, you know, I have an office party. A big office party I need to go to, so... Can't get out of it. Bill: Ok. Michael: Ok, see you later. Nice job, Bill. Not. Phyllis: [singing] Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known... Jim: Oh by the way how's your side project going? Pam: Oh, yeah I gave that up. Jim: Really? Pam: Yeah, it turns out I was, um, just grasping at straws. Pam: Just because two people are hanging out, it doesn't mean that they're together, you know? Like people can just be friends. And I think that it was really unfair to think that there was anything else going on. Kevin: [singing] Just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore. Dwight: Surprise! [laughs] Everybody! Phyllis: Dwight... Michael: Wow! Who opened the morgue for this thing? I'm just driving by, thought I'd drop in. [to Jim] There's some wine. I would love a glass, if you're gonna open it. Here ya go Temp, take my jacket! [sees Sadiq (IT guy)] Oh, come on! That guy? He is a good guy, not a terrorist. Karaoke, I love it! I am a karaoke fiend. I call dibs. I got next, I got next up. Come on, let's get this party started, ha! Ok? Where's that wine? Michael: Ok, yeah, this is a duet, so, need somebody else, Pam? You wanna come up and sing this one? Need somebody else. Takers, please. [singing] Baby when I met you there was peace unknown. Kelly? Tried to get you with a fine tooth comb. I was soft inside, there was something goin' on. This part goes to the, uh, girl. You do something to me that I can't explain. Hold me closer and I feel no pain. In every beat of my heart, we got something goin' on. Tender love is blind- Michael and Jim: [singing] It requires a dedication, all this love we feel needs no conversation. Divided, together, uh huh. Making love with each other, uh huh. Michael: We're making love! Michael and Jim: [singing] Islands in the stream, that is what we are, no one in between, how can we be wrong? Sail away with me... Michael: Talk! Just talk! Mary-Beth: I am- Michael: Shut up! Michael: Funny story: the way that I got into improv was, I got into improv. The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street, and a race car pulls up, and the guy says 'Hey you're funny, you're the funniest guy I've ever seen, or my name is not Dale Earnhardt.' [giggles] And that was an improv. Um, the real way is that I found a flyer. Angela: [Oscar shakes his leg] You're going to have to stop that. [Oscar moves over] I can still feel it. Sadiq (IT guy): Do you have a question or something? Michael: Um... Sadiq (IT guy): About my turban, maybe? Michael: Nope, nope. I actually wear a turban sometimes. Wanna see it? Sadiq (IT guy): Yeah. Michael: Got it right here. [pulls out Karnak turban] Sadiq (IT guy): Why do you have that? Michael: Comedy; it's funny. It's Johnny Carson, Karnak. It's, um, put it back. Huhhhh, did you have Johnny Carson in your land? Sadiq (IT guy): In Pittsburgh? Yeah, but I never really watched him. Michael: Oh. You were forbidden. Sadiq (IT guy): No, I'm much younger than you. I watched Conan. Michael: Alright, I'm gonna, uhh, get a cup of coffee. Do you want some coffee er- Sadiq (IT guy): No. Michael: Or some tea or hummus or something? Sadiq (IT guy): No, thank you. Phyllis: Oh, this isn't good. Stanley: It's fine. Phyllis: You don't even know what I'm talking about. Michael: Should have done this a long time ago. Tons of personal e-mails, huge time wasters. Uh, uh huh. Wow, like Kevin, rating the best bars in Scranton? Poor Richard's number seven? Idiot. Stupid load. [phone rings] Yeah. Pam: Hey, Michael, accounting needs your approval on- Michael: Yeah, I'm busy right now. [hangs up] Michael: Here's a helpful suggestion for Jim. Jim, instead of e-mailing Amazon, to try and get that CD that you didn't receive, I suggest that you go to Visa and tell them to cancel the charge. Jim: Yeah, definitely didn't need help with that, but, yeah. Michael: It's seems like ya did though- Jim: Oh? Michael: Jim. Lots of e-mails to Amazon, lots of wasted computer space. Alright, let's get back to work. Toby: Yeah, I assumed Michael was already doing this. That's why I only use my personal e-mail account. Michael: [moves chair to Jim and Dwight's desks] Ooo, bleh bleh bleh. Dwight: Where's your tie? Michael: I don't know. Just felt like taking it off. Man, work can be just so damn frustrating don't ya think, Jim? Jim: Uh, yeah, I guess. Dwight: What's going on, Michael. Talk to me. Michael: I don't know, same old stuff. Same old. Boss just been ridin' my ass. Dwight: Oh no! Jan!? What's goin' on? Michael: I don't wanna talk about it. I just wanna hang out, just be one of the guys. Dwight: The most important one of the guys. Michael: That's not the point. Dwight: That's exactly the point. You've hit a slump. It happens to the best of us. You just have to remember, you know- Michael: Yeah. Dwight: Where you come from, and who you are. Michael: Ok. Dwight: You know, you have worked so hard for this. You are the boss; you can buy and sell us with just a snap of your little finger. Michael: Ok yes, I would never do that. Jim: Yeah, no one can snap with their little finger. Michael: Ha. Dwight: Jim, this is hardly the time. Michael: No, this is completely the time, this is perfect time. This is just guys gently ribbing each other, it's what it's all about, just hangin' out. Enjoying friends, all being the same. Worker bees. Dwight: And their king bee. Michael: No, just bees, just bees hanging out, buzzing around. Dwight: Master bee. Michael: I'm not a master bee. Dwight: Queen bee. Michael: I'm just a bee, Dwight, ok, just a bee, just buzzin'. Pam: Hi! Roy: Hey babe. Hey, how are you!? Pam: Good. Roy: You look good. Pam: Thank you. Roy: Hey, um, I was wondering if it'd be ok if I go to Lonny's poker game tonight. I promise, it'll be like the last time for a while. Pam: We were supposed to go to the barbeque at Jim's house. Roy: Oh, man. Um, could you go without me? Make something up, say I like, ate something, or... Pam: Uhh... Roy: Huh, huh? You're the best. You're the best! Pam: I might be late. Roy: Ok, don't wake me up cause I'm playing ball in the morning. Pam: Ok. Roy: Alright, bye. [Pam looks around the office] Pam: [to the cameraman] Did I miss anything? Michael: Five o'clock. Time to go get my improv on. [drinks] Little bit of the comedy juice. Mmm. Alright, see if you can guess what this is. [roars and flails his arms] That is a dinosaur getting ready to go to improv class. Just a taste of the improv. Michael: I need to know... who shot Johnson! Mary-Beth: Uh, President Johnson. Um- Michael: Shut up! Mary-Beth: Ok. Michael: I have a right mind to shoot you right in the head. Mary-Beth: I, I killed him. You're right! It was me! Michael: Just shut up! I don't wanna hear anything more from you. Improv Teacher: No, listen to what she's saying. Mary-Beth: Alright, I'll be quiet if we can make some kind of deal. A deal? Michael: Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! No deal. Not with Michael Scarn, FBI. Michael Scarn doesn't make deals. Michael Scarn shoots and then asks questions later. [blows on his fake gun] Improv Teacher: Good, good. Michael: She was kind of tripping me up, cause she was, um, I was trying to get something going, when I was over her with the gun, and she like kept changing the story. Mary-Beth: I don't think... he was saying- Michael: Well, you kept- Mary-Beth: He kept saying 'shut up'- Michael: Going into nuclear something; that's not where the scene was going. Mary-Beth: I- Bill: It goes wherever. Michael: Well, it goes, it goes in the best direction, and that was not the best direction. Mary-Beth: I felt like he was ordering me around, cause he- Michael: Well, he, Michael Scarn, that character, orders people around, and that's, you should of just gone- Improv Teacher: All your characters order people around though, and- Michael: Well... Improv Teacher: There's stronger choices. Michael: I don't think there's any stronger choice than being a really strong character. Mary-Beth: We've seen you do that character before though. I mean, you know, that's cool. Michael: Well, it's, like, well, it's, you know, when refine it, refine a character down to its essence, that's... Mary-Beth: Like Jim Carrey or something. Michael: Exactly, thank you. Mary-Beth: Right, well I wasn't saying that- Michael: I appreciate that. Mary-Beth: Nah, I know, I just meant that... he shot me, I just- Michael: Or Ryan Stiles, something like that. Mary-Beth: Yeah, ya know maybe, he made me get on the ground, and I didn't feel safe in this game. Michael: You shouldn't have been, 'cause you were dealing with Michael Scarn. That was exactly what I was hoping to achieve, so that is probably the best thing you could have said, that's a compliment. Improv Teacher: You succeeded. Michael: Good work. Mary-Beth: Yeah. Jim: And in this room here, if you look closely, you will find out a few clues about who lives here. Um, he likes biking, obviously, and uh, what else? Uh, he likes tour guides, I guess. And if you're very perceptive, you'll notice that he didn't do a great job of cleaning his room [kicks water bottle under bed]. Ok, and uh, that's the tou- Ryan: And he's really into penguins or something? Jim: Um, thank you, Ryan, uh, I don't know, I think I made the mistake one day of telling someone that I like penguins, and here we are. Phyllis: Oh, I'm sorry. I gave you a penguin. Jim: And that's why it's on my desk, Phyllis; it means a lot to me, and now that I know it was from you, it means even more. Moving on! Uh, ok, so that's the end of the tour for now, and if you liked it please tell your friends: 'Whenever you're in Scranton, visit Casa de la Halpert'. Improv Teacher: Ok, for the next exercise, let's everyone pair up.[everyone picks a partner] And everyone got somebody? Ok, good. [Michael is partner-less] Uh, ok, uh, why don't you go out in the hallway and go through all the rules in your head. Ok, you take a break and sort of run through the rules in your head. Ok, stay there. Michael: I'll just throw out some suggestions. Improv Teacher: Ok, you guys wanna start? [to Michael] Don't throw out any- Michael: They're in a whorehouse. Improv Teacher: Suggestions. Michael: And he's a proctologist. [to teacher] What? Improv Teacher: We don't need a suggestion for this one; it's gonna come from them. [to other students] It's a game called 'Yes, and?' and uh, you will say the first sentence. And uh, you're telling a story- Michael: First sentence is: 'I'm a proctologist'. Improv Teacher: We're not gonna get a suggestion for this one, it's gonna come from them. [to students] Ok, you're gonna say the first sentence and then she will say yes to that and then she'll add something to the story, like you're telling a story. [looks at Michael and then students] Oh yeah, what was he doing? Ok, why don't you take a break? Since you don't have a partner. Michael: Alright, I'm ready here. Improv Teacher: Ok. Kevin: Why don't you turn it up? [Ryan moves to turn up the grill] Uh! Not so fast... Fire Guy. Think we need some more heat, Fire Guy? Hey, Fire Guy, maybe we should burn Jim's house down. Ryan: That's really funny. Kevin: Hey, Kelly; I called him Fire Guy. Kelly: Good one, Kev. Kevin: Yeah... hey Stanley- Ryan: He called me Fire Guy. Stanley: Oh, good one. [laughs] Kevin: It never gets old. Ryan: Never gets old.

Dwight: Go. Get the door. Michael: Here we are. Dwight: Go. Push! Michael: Oh god. Dwight: Push! Michael: No, no, turn it around. Dwight: Really shove it. Michael: You'll break it. Dwight: Shove it through! Break it! Michael: You shove it. Shove it back! Here we go. Don't break the branches, Dwight. Michael: All right. Dwight: I got a splinter. Michael: Well, suck it up. We all have problems. Hey, everybody, look what we have! [laughs] Nice, huh? Dwight: I've got it leveraged. Push. Straight up. Michael: On three. Ready? Big, one, two, three. Dwight: One, two, three. [they push the tree up and it breaks through a ceiling tile.] Michael: Merry Christmas! Michael: Did it work? Kevin: [holds up the piece of tree he just cut off with a paper cutter] Well, sort of. Why did you get it so big? Michael: A, that's what she said, and B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year. Kevin: But what are we going to do with this hacked off part? Michael: Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about. Jim: So this year, for the first time ever, I got Pam in Secret Santa. And I got her this teapot, which I know she really wants, so she can make tea at her desk. But I'm also going to stuff it with some inside jokes. Like, this is my high school yearbook photo. She saw it at the party, and it really makes her laugh. Not sure why. What else .. ooh. This is a hot sauce packet. She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago because she thought it was ketchup. And it was really funny, so I kept the other two. [holds up a miniature pencil] This would take a little too long to explain, so I won't. And this is the card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel. Angela: Is there anything we're missing? Phyllis, you got the lights? Phyllis: Yes, I got those cute little ones. [Angela looks at her disapprovingly] Do you think I should have gotten the big ones? Angela: We'll see. Ryan: Angela drafted me into the party planning committee. Her memo said that we need to prepare for every possible disaster. Which to me seems excessive. Michael: [comes into the conference room in a Santa hat and beard] Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, [points to Ryan] pimp. I'm kidding. What do we got, what do we got? How many plates are we getting? Angela: Fifty. Michael: Double it. Double everything. Double ice cream. Double napkins. Double it. On me. Michael: It was a tough year. I had to fire somebody this year. This party has to really rock. Check it out. Christmas bonus. 3,000 G's. I got this for helping save the company money. So I guess some good came out of firing Devon after all. Maybe I should call him and tell him that. Michael: I want people to cut loose. I want people making out in closets. I want people hanging from the ceilings, lamp shades on the heads. I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party. And also, I want you to spread the word that I will have my digital camera. And I'll be taking pictures all along the way. And the best and craziest thing that happens will be on the cover of the newsletter. Incentive. Pam: You do realize that we can't serve liquor at the party. Michael: Yeah, I know. Damn it. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody. Kevin & Oscar: One, two, three. [they lift and start to move a desk] Dwight: You guys should use a hand truck. Kevin: Do we have one? Dwight: No. Angela: [having trouble with a plastic tablecloth as Pam stands idly by] Will you help me? Michael: No! No way! It... no. Darryl: Come on, Mike, let me borrow the hat for just a couple of hours. Michael: You wanna be Santa? Darryl: Yeah. Michael: Have you ever seen Santa? Darryl: Yeah, I've seen Santa. Michael: Okay. Darryl: Who cares? Michael: Well, I'm sorry. It just doesn't work. Dwight: Michael, I would like to be the elf. Michael: That makes sense because he has elfish features. Dwight: [now wearing an elf hat and ears] Okay, everybody listen up! It is time to get your presents, wrap them, and place them under the tree like so. If you do not get your present wrapped and under the tree within the next five minutes you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions except Michael. Toby: I got Angela. She is into these posters of babies dressed as adults. I got her one of those. I felt kind of weird buying that. Oscar: I got Creed. And to tell you the truth, I don't know anything about Creed. I know his name's Creed. I know he works right over there. I think he's Irish and I .. I got him this shamrock keychain. Kevin: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't [smiles happily]. Michael: You get something good this year? Jim: I think I did a pretty good job. Michael: Yeah? Who did you have? Jim: Well, I can't tell you cause it's a secret. Michael: I think I got something pretty nice for my guy. Jim: Yeah? Michael: I spent a lot of dough. Lot of dough. Wow. Jim: Well, there's a $20 limit, right? So .. ? Michael: Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond. Jim: That's great. Well don't tell me who it is, cause I can .. Michael: It was Ryan. Yeah. I have Ryan. Dwight: Gather round. Secret Santa, let's go. Let's go. Come on. Stanley, no, I'm going to handle the cord. Okay, safety reasons. Stanley: I know how to plug something in. Dwight: I want to do it. Michael: All right, let's count it down, like Rockefeller Center. Ready? All: Three, two, one. [very dim lights come on the tree] Michael: Not great. Phyllis: I'm sorry, everybody. Pam: I think the tree looks nice. Dwight: Hey, I could get some flares from my car. Michael: No, no. Shake it off, everybody. Just, let's do Secret Santa. Michael: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, 'Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth.' Dwight: First present, Oscar. Oscar: [rips off the wrapping] Shower radio. Neat. Kelly: Oh, good, that was from me. Oscar: Thanks, Kelly. You know I was gonna get one of .. Dwight: Okay. Okay. That's enough. Let's keep it moving on. Jim. Jim: Oh, cool. [opens his plastic bag] Creed: That's from me. Jim: Great. Where did you get it? Creed: I don't know. It was so long ago. Jim: He obviously forgot to get me something, and then he went in his closet and dug out this little number [holds up way-too-short sleeves] and then threw it in a bag. Creed: Yep. That's exactly what happened. Dwight: Pam. Pam: [opens up her present] Oh, my god! Thank you very much, Santa, whoever you are. It's awesome. Jim: There's a little more to it. Dwight: All right, next. Ryan. [tosses present] Michael: No, don't! Ryan: [unwraps present] Whoa, a video iPod. Michael: Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me, I got a little carried away. Ryan: Wasn't there a $20 limit on the gift? This is 400 bucks. Michael: You don't know that. Ryan: Yeah, you left the price tag on. Michael: I did? Ryan: Yeah. Michael: What? Oh, shoot. Wow. Okay, well, who cares? It doesn't matter what I spent. What matters is that Christmas is fun, right? Dwight: Michael. Michael: Oh hey, for me. What is in here? [opens a handmade oven mitt] Oh, come on. Phyllis: I knitted it for you. Michael: An oven mitt? Okay. [walks out] Michael: So Phyllis is basically saying, 'Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth.' I gave Ryan an iPod. Kevin: Should we just keep opening up the presents? Dwight: We don't do anything until Michael gives us further instructions. Michael: I got it! We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap. Jim: What is Yankee Swap? Michael: One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that person's gift. If your gift gets stolen, then you can steal somebody else's gift or choose a new gift. Jim: I thought that was called Nasty Christmas. Pam: Yeah, we call it White Elephant. Michael: Well, I call it fun! Oscar: Why are we doing this? Michael: Because it's better. Because it's more special. Angela: It sounds mean. Michael: Shut it. No, it's not. Okay, just give it a shot. Angela: Michael should have asked the party planning committee first. He's not supposed to just spring things on us out of nowhere. [starts to cry] Michael: Okay, Meredith is up first. Here's the deal. You can either pick a new gift or you can steal somebody else's gift that they've already gotten, like the oven mitt. Meredith: I'll take the teapot. Jim: Oh, shouldn't we ... I bought that specifically for Pam. Michael: Yankee Swap! That's what makes it fun. Pam, you can steal the oven mitt now. Pam: I'll take the iPod. Ryan: And I have to give it to her? I don't have a choice? Dwight: Yes, now you can steal the oven mitt, the old shirt or the shower radio or pick a new gift. Stanley: [after Ryan opens a new gift - a nameplate saying 'Kelly'] That was meant for Kelly. Ryan: Yeah, I figured. Michael: I think this is going great. Kelly: [unwrapping the poster] Yikes. Toby: Well, it's for Angela, so .. Kelly: That's like, the creepiest thing that I've ever seen. Dwight: Angela, you're up. Angela: I'll take the poster. Some people like these. Kelly: I will steal the iPod. Michael: Everyone wants the iPod. It's a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle. Michael: Oh, well, Oscar, you little gourmand, you have the next turn. Oscar: I'll take the ... teapot. Meredith: Damn it. Dwight: Okay, moving along. Meredith, let's go. Meredith: I really want the iPod. Dwight: It's already been stolen this round. Pick something else. Michael: [holding oven mitt] I hope nobody takes this baby, cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful. Meredith: I'll take the oven mitt. Michael: Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology. Michael: Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm. Michael: [opens present] 'In addition to these paintball pellets, your gift includes two paintball lessons with Dwight Schrute.' Dwight: You and me, Michael. Yes! Michael: Who wants to take paintball lessons? How is that better than an iPod? Dwight: I never said it was better than an iPod. Dwight: Michael keeps bragging about his iPod, but you know what? Two paintball lessons with someone as experienced as I am is worth easily, like, 2 grand. Dwight: [shooting paintball gun at target] Take that, Saddam! Michael: Last gift. Kevin. Kevin: I want the foot bath. Kevin: That's the thing I bought myself. I'm really psyched to use it. [pauses] Maybe I should have taken the iPod. Oh, shoot. Dwight: Pam, steal something or pick the final gift. Pam: I want the iPod. Kelly: Damn it. Jim: Sure you don't want the teapot? Pam: Well, I mean, it's an iPod. But .. Jim: Right. Pam: Sorry, I .. Jim: No. No. Definitely. It's .. Kelly: Okay, well, I guess I will take that book of short stories. Dwight: Yes! There you go. I want the teapot. Gracias. Jim: Got to be kidding me. Dwight: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets ... Christmas. Michael: [after Phyllis leaves suddenly] What is she so upset about? Pam: Maybe because you hated her present so much. Michael: Come on! I think that Yankee Swap was a big hit! I think it's a success and I'm the one who ended up with Dwight's stupid paintball pellets. Jim: Yeah, but, Michael, the point is that we all bought gifts for specific people. Stanley: And you should have just bought a $20 gift like everyone else. Michael: Well, I didn't. I got a big bonus because I fired Devon, and I used the money to buy something awesome. Sue me! Oscar: You got a bonus check? Pam: How much? Michael: It wasn't. It wasn't that much. It was $3,000. Stanley: All right, I'm done now. Michael: Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame. Liquor Store Clerk: It comes to $166.41. Michael: All right, now, you're the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered? Liquor Store Clerk: Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it. Michael: Cool, cool. Box it up. Jim: I bought this teapot for Pam, and I know she really wants it. So, can I trade you for it? Dwight: No trades. Jim: Come on, it's a shamrock keychain. Good luck. Dwight: A real man makes his own luck.' Billy Zane. Jim: Look, it has sentimental value, Dwight. Can I buy it from you? Dwight: No. I want it. I'm going to use it. Jim: You don't even drink tea. Dwight: True. But I get sinus infections, and sinus infections can be cured by making your tea from green tea leaf stems .. JIm: Okay .. Dwight: .. and pouring it directly into your nose, like so. [demonstrates] Jim: To think that my gift for Pam will be used for that, it's a little too much to handle. Roy: This is awesome. Pam: I know. It's totally going to change the way I work out. Roy: Yeah, I was gonna get you one of these for Christmas, and now I don't have to. I'm gonna save a ton of money. Pam: So what are you going to get me instead? Roy: I don't know. Probably like, a sweater or something. Michael: Uh-oh. Looks like Santa was a little naughty. Angela: What is that? Michael: This is Christmas spirit, as in spirits, booze. Meredith: We can drink? Toby: We're really not supposed to serve alcohol. Michael: Zip it, Toby! Just .. I mean, it's a party. Come on. If I can't throw a good party for my employees, then I am a terrible boss. Who wants a drink? Meredith: Me. Please. Michael: Go, here we go! Meredith: The deal is that this is my last hurrah, cause I made a New Year's resolution that I'm not going to drink anymore. During the week. Phyllis: Hi guys. Ryan: Hey. Phyllis: Does everybody know my boyfriend, Bob Vance? Kevin: Kevin Malone. Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Stanley: Stanley Hudson. Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Ryan: Ryan Howard. Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob? Roy: I think after I lost Culpepper and T.O it was over, man. Darryl: Oh, yeah, I need McMahon, Deion Branch to have big games or else I'm done. Roy: It's possible. I can't believe you traded Shaun Alexander, man. Darryl: I had to. I needed defense. Roy: Come on! Shaun Alexander? He's the best back in the league. Darryl: It's defense. Roy: Oh, no. That is not worth it. Darryl: It is worth it. Roy: Never. Darryl: Are you kidding? You wait. Michael: Anybody making out in here? [checks hallway] Not yet, give it time. Oh, hey, Ebenezer, boink. [takes picture of Jim] Okay, how's it going in here? [takes picture of Meredith and Kevin] Ryan: We're running low on cups. Do you want me to just run out and get some? Angela: There should be some .. Michael: No, no, no, no. We'll find some, don't leave the party. Phyllis, Meredith, Michael, Kevin: One, two, three. [do a shot] Michael: Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee. Ryan: Oh, no. Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ryan: I really did not do anything. Michael: Oh, no, no. No false modesty, my friend. Jim: You know, you don't have to answer calls during a party. Just thought you should know. Pam: [laughs] No, I was just checking out my present. [holds up teapot] Jim: But .. Pam: I traded with Dwight. Just, I figured, you know, you went to a lot of trouble and it means a lot. And also, Roy got me an iPod or was going to get me an iPod, so .. Jim: Well, either way. This is an amazing gift because it comes with bonus gifts. Look inside. Pam: [opens teapot] Oh my god! The yearbook picture! Pam: Yeah, I think I made the right choice. Pam: Oh, my God! It's incredible. [Jim reaches and steals his card back before she can notice it] Is this the Boggle timer? Jim: I didn't think you were going to get that one. I really didn't. Dwight: This is so awesome. Michael: Not bad. And if it couldn't go to Ryan, you are the guy I'd want it to go to. Dwight: Thank you. Michael: You're welcome. Todd Packer: [grabbing Michael around the neck] Merry Christmas, asswipe! Michael: No way. Oh, you're kidding me. Packer! Yes! Todd Packer, ladies and gentlemen! Todd Packer: [rapping] What's up my nerds. Check it out. [points at the mistletoe stuck down his pants] Michael: Oh, no, no. Oh look at that. Icing on the cake. Todd Packer: Pacman need a drinky. Michael: Oh, let's fix you up. Who wants to fix up .. Toby. Toby's gonna fix you up. Kevin: [listening to music through headphones] Yeahhh. Michael: Darryl. There you go. [hands him the Santa hat] You earned it. Darryl: That's okay, Mike. Michael: No, no, no, no. I really, really want you to have it. Darryl: All right. Thanks, man. Michael: Hey, Merry Christmas. Ryan: [looking at Xeroxed butt pictures] Whose butt is that? Kevin: Mine. Ryan: Oh, how did I not guess that? Michael: [coming out of his office] Lampshade on head! It's happening! Creed: [as Jim decorates a passed out Todd Packer] Oh, no. Kelly: Hey. Dwight: Oh, hello there. [Kelly leans up and kisses him] But what are you doing? Kelly: I don't know. Dwight: You shouldn't do things like that. The man is supposed to do that. Kevin: Thanks for the party, Michael. Meredith: Yeah. Bob Vance: Oh, hey. Listen up. We're going to Poor Richard's. Who's in? Oscar: I'm in. Dwight: Yes. Oscar: Michael? Poor Richard's? Michael: Yeah, that sounds good. Michael: Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time. Michael: Hey, Meredith. Heading over to Poor Richard's? Meredith: Yep. Michael: Cool, cool, cool. Do you need a ride? [Meredith drops her top. Michael takes a picture] All right, let's head out. Sounds good. Do you have a coat? Meredith: Yeah. Michael: Okay! Oscar: Towards me. Creed: Okay. Oscar: Towards me. That's good, towards me. Towards me. Towards me, towards me. Okay, I'm good. I'm good, I'm good. Creed: Okay, okay. [gasping] Oscar: Creed. Michael: Remember on that animated special when they taught the uh, the monster to put the star on top? That's Dwight. Dwight's the monster that we taught to put the star on top of the tree. You take his teeth out, and he could put the star on top of the tree. Pam: Do you want me to help you with that? Phyllis: Yeah. Michael: Phyllis and Angela and Meredith are helpers. I guess Angela's kind of... Angela's little. Phyllis and Meredith are not little. Pam is sort of a medium helper. Dwight: Okay. Christmas lights? Good. Tinsel? Good. Star? Good. Michael: Dwight is... Dwight looks like Spock to me. He always wears the ears, and I always give him grief about looking like Spock, and he hates it because he has a different pair of ears that he wears to be Spock, for some reason. Dwight: Question, Pam. Is Roy coming to the party? Pam: Yes. Dwight: Okay, well, you didn't tell me that. Now, he will not be allowed in unless we register him on this list. Pam: Are you kidding? Dwight: Do I look like I'm kidding? [Pam shakes her head 'no'] Phyllis, stag, I assume. Phyllis: I'm bringing someone. Dwight: Really? Phyllis: I invited someone to the party. Bob Vance. He works at Vance Refrigeration next door. That's how we met. [whispers] He's my boyfriend. Dwight: Everyone, please remain calm until we receive further instructions. Pam: Just let us open up the presents, Dwight. Dwight: Absolutely... not. Dwight: What separates humans from jungle beasts? The fact that we have rules. When humans give each other gifts, they do it properly and orderly. When bears give each other gifts they just rip open a fox carcass and present it to their mate. I prefer the human way. Oscar: Man, I really wanted that. I really wanted the shower radio, too. Michael: Well, thank God you didn't steal my oven mitt. And Oscar, you little gourmand, your turn. Oscar: I'll take the tea pot. Meredith: Damn it. Kelly: So, I guess, you really didn't want the shower radio that bad. No, I just like tea. Oscar: No, I just like tea. Kelly: I don't know why Oscar didn't like the gift. I know he wanted a shower radio. I mean, I totally remember him telling me that he wanted one. Oscar: Kelly had me last year, too, and she gave me the same exact thing. I only have one shower. Michael: Oscar, paint ball pellets. Oscar: I guess I'll take the last gift. Cool. Pam: It was supposed to be for Meredith, 'cause she said she likes my drawings. Meredith: Thanks. I wish I could've had it. Do you wanna trade? Michael: Yeah. Like anybody would want an oven mitt. [Phyllis gets up and leaves the party] Toby: So, hey, you wanna trade? Kelly: Yes, totally, 'cause I was just gonna throw this out anyway. Toby: Really? You were gonna throw out a book? Kelly: Mmm-hmm. Kevin: [Rap music playing] [singing] The time is now, the place is here And the whole wide world is filled with cheer My name's DMC with the mike in my hand And I'm chilling and cooling just like a snow man Darryl: Yeah. Kevin: [singing] So open eyes Lend us an ear We wanna say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year [Darryl whooping] Yeah. Kevin: I'm the DJ because I really know how to heat up a party. Dwight: I do enjoy a drink now and again, but tonight, no. I am also an officer of the law and I'm unofficially on the clock. I need to stay sober and alert. Also, on a personal note, I'm not at my best when I drink. Ryan: I actually got that for you. I had you originally. Toby: Oh, cool. It looks really interesting. What did you end up with? [Ryan pulls Creed's old coat out of a bag] Sorry. Ryan: I didn't want anything else, so I figured at least I could give it to a homeless guy. Toby: Christmas. Ryan: Yeah, Christmas. Oscar: What did you end up with? Creed: Your shower radio. Oscar: You like music at least? Creed: I love it. I actually used to have a radio show back in the '70s. Oscar: You're kidding. What was your DJ name? Creed: Whacky-weed Creed. Oscar: Turns out that Creed is a pretty interesting guy. Angela: You behaved very badly tonight. Kelly: Sorry? Michael: See, that's what Christmas is all about to me, is when you see someone open a gift and you think, 'Man, I wish I got that.' I mean, that's just such a great feeling, to watch other people envying a gift that you gave to somebody else. I don't know, it's just... I don't know, just makes you kind of feel good.

Jim: Hey. Dwight: Hello. Jim? Jim: What's up, buddy? Dwight: This is not funny. Why is my stuff in here? Jim: Wow, that's weird. Oh, dollar for a stapler, that's pretty good. Dwight: Yeah, well, I'm not paying for my own stuff, okay? I know you did this, because you're friends with the vending machine guy. Jim: Who, Steve? Dwight: Yeah, Steve, whatever his name is. Pam: Sorry. What do I want? What do I want... Oh, it's a pencil cup. Dwight: No, no, no, no, no. That's my pencil cup. Pam: Um, I don't think so, I just bought it. Dwight: Uh, I think so, and you're going to hand it over to me. Pam: I love these. Dwight: Okay, fine. Where's my wallet? Jim: Oh, there it is. J1. Dwight: But I don't have any... Jim: Here, you know what? You can have some nickels. Dwight: [putting quarters in] Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five... Michael: Hello, everyone. Dwight: Good morning, Michael. Phyllis: Where are we going this afternoon? Michael: Ah! Ha ha ha! Pam: Last week, Michael sent out this mysterious memo. Jim: It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask.' Pam: A ski mask and a swimsuit. Jim: So that he can have us rob a bank, and then escape through the sewers. Pam: And brush our teeth. Michael: Yeah? Stanley: Michael. Michael: Stanley! Bo banley. Stanley: I need to know... Michael: Banana fana fo fanley. Stanley: What we're doing. Michael: Be my mo manley. Stanley: You said bring a toothbrush. Michael: Stanley. Stanley: Is this an overnight? Michael: Maybe. The suspense is just so exciting, isn't it? Stanley: Should my wife tell her boss she's not coming in tomorrow? Michael: Maybe, I don't know. Stanley: Not maybe. Yes or no. Michael: Well, no. But... okay, don't spoil it for everybody, all right? But we are going on a booze cruise on Lake Wallenpaupack. Stanley: In January? Michael: It's cheaper. Michael: This is not just another party. This is a leadership training exercise. Right? I'm going to combine elements of fun and motivation and education into a single mind-blowing experience. Michael: It is now time to unveil the destination of this year's retreat. We are going on a harbor cruise of Lake Wallenpaupack. It's a booze cruise! Meredith: All right! Ryan: I have a test for business school tomorrow night. Is it okay if I skip the cruise and study for that? Michael: No. This is mandatory. But don't worry, you know what? You're gonna learn plenty. This is gonna turn your life around, Ryan. Ryan: I'm already in business school. Michael: Well, this... Kelly: Wait, Michael? Michael: Yeah? Kelly: Why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit? Michael: To throw you off the scent. Kelly: Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit. Michael: Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it. Kelly: I took the tags off already. Michael: Well, that's not my fault, okay? Just.. we're not going to pay for a bathing suit. Okay, I know what you're all thinking, 'Who is this smart little cookie?' Her name is Brenda... something, and she is from corporate. And she is here, like you, to learn from what I have to say. Michael: I am a great motivational speaker. I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and... it wasn't the actual course. You have to pay for the actual course. But it talked about the actual course. And I've incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course. Michael: Leader... ship. The word 'ship' is hidden inside the word 'leadership,' as its derivation. So if this office is, in fact, a ship, as its leader, I am the captain. But we're all in the same boat. Teamwork! Oscar: Last year, Michael's theme was 'Bowl over the Competition!' So guess where we went. Michael: Now, on this ship that is the office, what is a sales department? Anyone? Darryl: How about the sales department is the sails? Michael: Yes, Darryl, the sales department makes sales. Good. Let me just explain. I see the sales department as the furnace. Phyllis: A furnace? Jim: Yeesh, how old is this ship? Pam: How about the anchor? Phyllis: What does the furnace do? Michael: All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace. This just... it's the sales... I see the sales department down there. They're in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic. Who saw it? Show of hands! Jim: I'm not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right? Michael: Titanic? Pam: I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October. Michael: No, I'm Leo DiCaprio! Come on! Jim: Michael stands in the front of the boat and says that he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck. Phyllis: Michael, everyone in the engine room drowned. Michael: No! Thank you, spoiler alert. You saw the movie, those of you who did. They're happy down there in the furnace room. And they're dirty and grimy and sweaty, and they're singing their ethnic songs, and... actually, that might be warehouse. Darryl: What? Michael: The... no, no. No, I didn't... okay. Well, okay, in a nutshell, what I'm saying is... leadership. We'll talk more about that on the boat. Ship. Dwight: Aye aye, Captain. Michael: [singing] A three-hour tour, a three-hour tour. Michael: Pam, you are Mary Ann! We have the Professor and Ginger, welcome aboard. Angela, you are Mrs. Howell. Lovey. [to Kelly] Uh... the native. Sometimes they come from neighboring... [to Stanley] We have one of the Globetrotters, I am the Skipper, and Dwight, you will be Gilligan. Dwight: Cool. Captain Jack: Actually, I'm the Skipper. But you can be Gilligan. Michael: I'd rather die. Hi, I am Michael Scott, I am the captain of this party. Captain Jack: I am Captain Jack, I am captain of the ship. I'm also captain of anyone who sets foot on the ship. [to boarding passengers] Hi, welcome aboard. Michael: Okay. Michael: In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose. Michael: Hey, look! I'm king of the world! Captain Jack: Okay, all right! Welcome aboard! I am your captain, Captain Jack. Michael: And I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Michael Scott. Welcome, welcome! Captain Jack: Okay! So... Michael: Okay! So... Captain Jack: Please. The life preservers. Michael: Right. Captain Jack: They are located underneath the seats, all along the border of the boat. Michael: But don't worry, you are not going to be needing life preservers tonight. Captain Jack: Well, we might, okay? Please let me finish, okay? Thank you. So, the Coast Guard requires that I tell you where the safety exits are. On this ship, it's very easy. Anywhere over the side. [Dwight laughs loudly.] Not only am I your ship captain, I am also your party captain! Whoo! We're gonna get it going in just a few minutes here... Michael: I'm your party captain too! And you are gonna put on your dancing shoes later on! So we are gonna... Captain Jack: Okay, Michael, if you don't mind... Michael: Rock it! Captain Jack: Please, okay? Michael: If the boat's a-rockin', don't come knockin'! Captain Jack: Michael. Michael: Yep. Captain Jack: Your company's employees are not the only people on the boat tonight, okay? Michael: We're all gonna have a good time tonight! Captain Jack: Why don't you let me and my crew do our job. You just sit back and have a good time. All right? Michael: Hm? Okay. Yep. Katy: You guys, it's like we're in high school and we're at the cool table. Right? Roy: Yeah. Katy: Pam, were you a cheerleader? Roy: No, she was totally Miss Artsy-Fartsy in high school. She wore the turtleneck and everything! Katy: That's hilarious. Jim: It's not hilarious, but... Roy: Where did you go to school? Katy: Bishop O'Hara. Roy: Piss slop who cares-a? We played you! You... you really look familiar. Did you... you cheered for them, didn't you? Jim: Um, no. Katy: Yes, I did! [chanting] A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Awesome! Awesome is what we are! We're the football superstars! A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Roy: I remember that! We crushed you like 42-10! Michael: Having fun? Brenda: Yeah. Everybody's really nice. Michael: Good. Well, that is what Scranton is all about. Not like you New Yawkers. Brenda: When are you going to start the presentation? Michael: Well, we already sort of started it back at the office and on the dock with the Gilligan thing, so... right now, I was thinking. Yes. Okay, listen up all you Dunder-Mifflinites! I would like to talk to you all about life preservers. Now, one important life preserver in business is IT support. Captain Jack: Not now, Mike, we're doing the limbo! That's right, partiers, it's time to limbo, limbo, limbo! Michael: So, okay. Dwight: Limbo, whoo! Captain Jack: All right! I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick. Who's it gonna be? Meredith: Me. Captain Jack: Okay... Dwight: Me! Me, me, me. Captain Jack: Uh... usually it's a woman. Dwight: I'm stronger. Captain Jack: Hey, I got an idea! How would you like to steer the ship, Dwight? Captain Jack: Keep us on a steady course. Keep a sharp eye out. I'm counting on you! Dwight: I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four. And I was great. And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats. Captain Jack: All right, all right, that was great! Now it's time for the dance contest! Michael: But before that, I have to do my presentation. Captain Jack: Nope! Dance contest! Michael: All right, we'll have a motivational dance contest! Hit it! Yeah, okay, dancing! It is a primal art form used in ancient times to express yourself with the body and communicate! Michael: Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing. Dwight: [singing] What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning? Angela: Hey, come inside and talk to me. Dwight: I can't. Do you want us to run aground, woman?! Darryl and Katy: [chanting] Snorkel shot! Snorkel shot! Roy: Whoo! Who's next? Come on, Pam! Come on! Come on! Pam: No, I'm not going to do that. Roy: Come on! Darryl: That's what I'm talking about! Pam: Hey, why don't we find like a quieter place to hang out? Roy: I've just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute. Come on! [chanting] Darryl! Darryl! Pam: It's getting kind of rowdy down there. Jim: Yeah. [chanting] Darryl! Darryl! Darryl! Pam: Sometimes I just don't get Roy. Jim: Well... Pam: I mean, I don't know. So... what's it like dating a cheerleader? Jim: Oh, um... [A long silence.] Pam: I'm cold. Captain Jack: So, what's this presentation all about? Michael: Ah! See, this is of general interest. It is about priorities and making decisions, using the boat as an analogy. What is important to you? If the boat is sinking, what do you save? Captain Jack: Women and children. Michael: No, no. Salesmen and profit centers. Captain Jack: That's a stupid analogy. Michael: Okay, well, obviously you don't know anything about leadership. Captain Jack: Well, I was the captain of a PC-1 Cyclone Coastal Patrol Boat during Desert Storm. Dwight: Wow. You should be the motivational speaker. Michael: Okay. Dwight: Yeah. He gives me real responsibility, Michael. Captain Jack delegates. He's let me steer the ship for the last hour. Katy: I'd like to be engaged. How did you manage to pull that off? Pam: Uh, I've been engaged for three years, and there's no end in sight. So... you don't wanna ask my advice. Captain Jack: Suppose your office building's on fire. Jim, who would you save? Jim: Um... let's see, uh... The customer. Because the customer is king. Michael: Not what I was looking for, but a good thought. Captain Jack: He's just sucking up! Roy: When you were in the Navy, did you ever almost die? Captain Jack: Oh yeah, oh yeah. And I wasn't thinking about some customer. I was thinking about my first wife. The day I got back on shore, I married her. Jim: You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up. Roy: Hello, everybody, could I have your attention for just a second? Could you listen to me for a second? We were up at the front, and we were talking about what's really important, and... Pam, I think enough is enough. I think we should set a date for our wedding. How about June 10th? Come on, let's do it! Come on, Pam! Michael: I don't want to take credit for this, but Roy and I were just having a conversation about making commitments and making choices. Right? Did I motivate you? Roy: No, it was Captain Jack. Michael: Well... could have been either one of us, because we were pretty much saying the same thing. Congratulations. That is great! Captain Jack: We gotta celebrate! Hey, I got an idea, I got an idea. I can marry you right now, as captain of the ship! Michael: Yes! I can marry you as regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin! Pam: No, no, I want my mom and dad to be there. Michael: Then I'll give you away! Pam: No, thank you. Katy: Do you think that'll ever be us? Jim: No. Katy: What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight? Jim: I don't know. Let's break up. Katy: Whoa. What? Captain Jack: This is where Captain Jack drives the boat. Meredith: Wow! Dwight: Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the Moon. Michael: Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication. Brenda: Really? What? Michael: Vomicillin. Okay. All right. It's time to be boss. It's time to motivate. Let's blow some minds here. Okay, guys, guys, cool it. Everybody, Dunder-Mifflin Scranton employees, Brenda, I have some very, very urgent news I need to tell everybody right now. Listen up. The ship is sinking! Okay? We're going down, right now. Just wrap your heads around the reality of that. Shh, please! Everybody, it's my turn now, okay? Captain Jack is gone. In five minutes, this ship is going to be at the bottom of the lake! And there aren't enough spaces on the lifeboat! Who are we gonna save? Do we save sales? Do we save customer service? Do we save accounting? This is a business scenario. Right? It's a scary... it's a... Captain Jack: Hey! Hey! What the hell is going on here? Michael: It's a predicament, and it's something that each and every one of us has to think about. Michael: I'm in the brig. See? The boat's not as corporate-friendly as advertised. What was the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was... if he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now and not all wet. Michael: Is somebody there? Jim: What happened to you? Michael: Captain Jack has a problem with authority. Jim: Oh, right, because you announced that his ship was sinking? Michael: He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic. Jim: What a night. Michael: Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged. Jim: She was always engaged. Michael: Roy said the first one didn't count. Jim: That's... great. You know, to tell the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam, so... Michael: Really? You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know, I made out with Jan... Jim: Yeah, I know. Michael: Yeah? Yep. Well, Pam is cute. Jim: Yeah. She's really funny, and she's warm. And she's just... well, anyway. Michael: Well, if you like her so much, don't give up. Jim: She's engaged. Michael: BFD. Engaged ain't married. Jim: Huh. Michael: Never, ever, ever give up. Dwight: Don't worry, Michael. I'm taking us to shore. Michael: It's a fake wheel, dummy. Phyllis: Are you all packed? Kelly: Yes, I brought my duffel bag and a sleeping bag. Oscar: Where do you guys think we're going? Kelly: Definitely some place you can swim. Oscar: Right. Phyllis: Maybe Florida. Kelly: Did you hear something? Michael: [knocking] Yeah. Jan: Hello, Michael. Michael: Hello. Jan: Can we come in? Michael: Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jan: Thank you very much. Michael: Have a seat. Jan: Brenda. Michael: Oh, every man's dream. Jan: Oh, really? A surprise visit from his boss? Michael: Two ladies at once. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Okay, you heard something. Um, yeah, it's a booze cruise, but it... There's more to the story than that. It... Jan: A booze cruise? What do you mean? Michael: Leadership off-site. Uh, booze cruise is just a rhyme... Jan: Michael, we discussed the IRS's regulations. Michael: Yeah, I don't even know why I said booze cruise. I don't even think there's booze on the boat. Jan: Okay, this event has to have legitimate business content to be tax deductible. Michael: Of course. Jan: We discussed that. Michael: Of course, of course. Yes. Yes. Look, I have a whole program planned. Jan, this program is going to change people's lives. I am going to be dropping serious knowledge all over the boat. Jan: Good. This is Brenda Matlow from corporate training. Michael: Hello. Jan: I thought she could attend tonight, and if your event is appropriate, you could give it to other branches. Michael: Oh, cool. Cool. And maybe you could attend tonight and then you could stay over at my house for the night. Awkward. That's... You know what. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone? Brenda: Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no. Michael: Really? You seriously said that? Okay. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone? Brenda: Sure... Jan: Brenda. Michael: Thanks. Brenda: I mean, no. Jan: Okay, you know, I'm gonna go now, and... Michael: Oh, okay. Jan: Good luck, Brenda. Michael: I'll see you later. Jan: Okay, see you later. And try to be professional. Michael: I'll call you later. Jan: No, that's all right. Michael: That's like... Jan: You call me if you need anything, Brenda. Michael: I'll call you, too. [to Brenda] So. You are probably gonna get carded, so I can make you a fake ID. We have a laminating machine. Michael: What is a sales department? Oscar, what do you think? Oscar: I don't know what the categories are of workers on a boat. Michael: I'm not giving you the answer. Deck hands is one. And... Dwight: Oh, oh, can I be the first mate? Michael: No, I'm first mate. You're second mate. I'm first mate, as the captain. Pam: How about the anchor? Michael: Well, the anchor is the only thing that kind of slows the ship down. Toby is the anchor. Oh, God. He, well... [to Brenda] Tell you about Toby later, he's awful. Brenda: Yeah, I know Toby from Jan's birthday. Toby: Hey, Brenda. Michael: Oh, hey, Toby. So... It's an analogy. Michael: [Toby running to get on the cruise] Hey! What's wrong with you? You missed the boat. Toby: I got lost. Michael: Idiot. Captain Jack: We can go back. Michael: No, no, no. That's his punishment for not being here on time. Too bad, anchor! Toby: I guess I shouldn't have stopped for dinner. Dwight: On the high seas, Captain Jack is the leader. On the land it's Michael. On the ramp up to the boat, I was a bit conflicted. But now that I'm here, I'll follow Captain Jack to hell and back. Dwight: Hey, Captain Jack, what kind of fish they got in this lake? Captain Jack: Perch, bass. Dwight: You know, my grandfather told me there was a monster here that eats Catholics. Have you heard... Captain Jack: I haven't heard that, Dwight. Dwight: If the hull is breached for any reason or the boat is overtaken, I am a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy, and you can count on me. Captain Jack: That's good to know, Dwight. Thanks. Michael: Your problem now, Captain Jack. Michael: Hey. You know what the best way of studying is? Ryan: At home, not on a boat? Michael: Flash cards. Ryan: Flash cards. Doesn't really help me right now because I'm on a boat. Michael: You are gonna get seasick if you keep reading in here. Ryan: Well... Captain Jack: Yeah! All right. All right. That was awesome. All right, looks like the guitar player's gonna take a little break. So this'd be a great time to head on over to the taco bar. All right. Michael: That is a great way to kill this party. Not on my watch. Let's, uh,... Let's rock. Let's rock some stuff here, okay? [playing badly] Okay... I'm hearing a little too much reverb. [feedback echoing] Can we down the reverb? All right. Follow my lead. [playing Smoke on the Water] Does you guys know that? Take the bass. Take the drums. What? Creed: Do you want me to give it a shot? Just... Michael: You know what? I don't think it's in... Creed: I... Michael: That's not in tune. I don't know if you can... Creed: I don't know, let's try. Michael: ...make much of out of it, Creed. Good luck to you. I don't know. It is a defective ax, my friend. Creed: All right. Michael: Good luck. Creed: Guys, E, blues. Follow me, okay? [playing well] Roy: Yeah! Creed: Back in the '60s, I was with the Grass Roots. We toured with Janis Joplin, The Doors, Cream. We had a lot of fun, And now I do quality assurance for a paper company. As you can imagine, drugs played a part. They still do. My work calls last about 90 seconds, and that's about as long as I can concentrate. Michael: Those slide moves are just bush league. I hope I die before I'm old. Ryan: [throwing up] Darryl: [speaking Spanish] Por favor, tequila seoor. Angela: I think you've had enough. Darryl: What you say, bitch? You know, you might be right. Pam: You've been to the lake before? Roy: Yes, I have. [kisses Pam] Roy: Should have done it a long time ago. Pam: Yes, you should have. Roy: I do what's right whenever I figure it out. I love you, babe. Pam: Love you. Katy: You should make a toast. Jim: No, I really don't want to. Katy: Jim, come on, don't be shy. Katy: Everybody, everybody? There is a toast. Come on... Michael: Yeah! Toast! Katy: Yeah, toast! Toast! Toast! Pam: Yeah. Roy: Come on. Jim: Thanks, Katy. Um, didn't really prepare anything to say. We're all caught pretty unprepared with this whirlwind courtship. I guess I just wanna say that Pam is the greatest. My best friend. And she's awesome. And... Dwight: Okay, okay. My turn, my turn. Is this thing on? Uh, I want to congratulate the happy couple. You know, they say that marriage is an institution. And I say, who wants to be in an institution? Michael: That's my line! That's my line, That's... I always say that at weddings. So I'll just think of something else to say. I... [band starts playing] Katy: Cheers. Michael: Hey, Jim. You got a hat? Jim: Yeah. Michael: Thanks. Phyllis: [to Angela] So this is... Stanley: [storms out of Michael's office] Well, we're not going to Florida. Phyllis: Oh. Someplace with a pool, then? Stanley: [gives Phyllis a look]

Oscar: ...Lord of the Rings trilogy, if you see it back to back, it's really long. But it's good. Jim: [off camera] Yeah, that's right. Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Michael: Pam! It's Michael. Help me! I need help right now. Pam: Michael, what's wrong? Michael: I'm hurt, I have hurt myself. Oh my God! Pam: Ok, wait wait wait wait... Michael: Ungh, this is not looking good Pam! Pam: Michael, do you need me to call an ambulance?! Michael: No, I want you to pick me up. Jim: What? Pam: Ok... Jim: What's going on? Pam: Wait a second, I thought you said that you were hurt. Michael: I am hurt. I hurt my foot. Jim: I'm sorry? Pam. Pam: [exasperated] Jim: What is going on? Michael: I want to come to work. But I need you to come and pick me up. [Jim lunges across Pam's desk and puts Michael on speakerphone] Michael: OH GOD! Jim: Hey, whoa, Michael... Michael: Oh God! Jim: It's, okay, it's Jim. Just say again, uh, really loudly what happened. Michael: OK, buhhhh, I burned my foot very badly on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work. Jim: You burned Michael: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot... that's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that. Michael: Pam, could you come get me?! Pam: Uh, I have to stay here and answer the phone. Michael: Ok, could someone come and get me please, Ryan? Phyllis: Michael, you should stay home and rest. Michael: There's no toilet paper here. Could Ryan... tell Ryan to bring toilet paper. Could you tell 'em that? Kevin: Can you hop? Michael: I tried hopping, Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance. Michael: [panicked] No one wants to pick me up!? Dwight: [silence, Dwight enters the office] What is going on? What is going on? Pam: Michael, is, um, sick and he wants one of us to rescue him. Michael: I'm not sick! I'm burned! Dwight: I'm coming Michael! Jim: Oh... Dwight: I'm gonna save you! Michael: Don't... is that Dwight? I do not want Dwight. Dwight: Hold on Michael! I am coming! Wait there! Michael: I don't want Dwight! Pam: Michael, why don't you call your girlfriend? Michael: I don't have a girlfriend. Jim: But you said that you went out with her this weekend. Michael: It was all made up. Just someone come, ok? Anyone. Anyone but Dwight. Jim: [sounds of a car crash] What was that... Pam: What was that?! [everyone runs to Michael's office window] Jim: Oh! Pam: Ohhhhhh! Jim: He hit the pole! Jim: It's broken right, he can't... Pam: Oh my gosh. Jim: Oh Dwight, Dwight, [Dwight pukes on his back windshield] Ohhhhhh! Jim and Pam: Oh my God! Pam: Is he ok? Jim: He's still driving... Dwight, you forgot your bumper! Michael: Hellooo? ... Please don't send Dwight! Michael: Morning everyone. Don't freak out. I forbid anybody to freak out. Clearly, I have had a very serious accident, but I will recover, God willing. I just want to be treated normally today. Normal would actually be good, considering the trauma that I've been through. Pam: You missed two big conference calls today, one with corporate. Michael: Did you explain why? Pam: No, I didn't mention that you cooked your foot. Michael: Burned my foot, Pam. Michael: Please stop popping my cast. Thank you. Jim: So, where are you shipping your foot? Michael: Ha ha ha. So where are you shipping... Dwight: Your foot? Michael: Thank you. Pam, messages please? Pam: You didn't have any. Michael: Really, well, it, uh, seemed very important to you earlier that you needed to stay and... Pam: And do my job? Michael: No, your job is being my friend, Pam. OW! God! Dwight: [holding mini-fan] It slipped. Michael: What? Dwight: Sorry. Pam: It's just that before, you said that you didn't want any special treatment. Michael: I don't want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who's undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don't think that's too much to ask. Pam: Do you want some aspirin, because you seem a little fussy. Michael: No, I don't want some aspirin, yeah I'm a little fussy. Aspirin's not gonna do a damn thing. I'm sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot. Dwight: Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to. Michael: What? Part of your duties are to what? Dwight: What? Michael: You just said 'part of your duties are to' something. Dwight: No, I didn't. Michael: Yes, you did. What is wrong with you? Dwight: What is wrong with Michael: Where is my cornbread? Ryan: Here you go. Michael: Thank you. Did you get all dark meat like I like? Ryan: Yes. I ordered three full rotisserie chickens worth of all dark meat. Michael: Where are the yams? Ryan: They were out of yams. I got you creamed spinach. Michael: Did you go to the one in Stroudsburg? Ryan: Yes. Michael: And they had no yams? Ryan: They had no yams. Michael: How strange. Because they always have yams. Dwight: Aw, man, is that a Prism Duro-Sport? Pam: You've seen one of these? Dwight: Yeah, they're like an i-Pod only they're better 'cause they're chunkier and more solid. Pam: Roy gave it to me for Christmas. I'm trying to figure out how to put songs on it. Dwight: Oh, no no no. Don't go there. I know this Russian website where you can download songs for two cents a piece. Pam: Really? Dwight: Yeah, I'll write down the address for you. Only, the only thing is, is that all the songs are in Russian. ... Kidding! Pam: Oh! Ha, haha. Dwight: Why would they all be...? Ok, see you later, Pan. Pam: Pan? Michael: Pam... PAAAM!? Pam: Oh, God. Pam: [phone rings] What. Michael: Come here please. Pam: Tell me before I come there. Michael: I want you to rub butter on my foot. Pam: No. Michael: Pam, please? I have Country Crock. Pam: No. Michael: Uh, ow. Ryan! ... Ryaaaaan ... RYYYYAN! Dwight: These covers are totally indestructible. Pam: Really? Dwight: Yeah. Throw it. I promise it won't break. Chuck it. [Pam throws her mp3 player] Dwight: Oh no, it's broken. Pam: What?! Dwight: No, it's fine. I told you it wouldn't break. You could throw it all day long. Pam: That is so cool. Thanks Dwight! Dwight: Yep. Jim: So, I guess Pam and Dwight are friends now. Pam: Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend! Michael: No, nope, no one is helping me out at all Mom. No, I'm not gonna call Jan. She'd just worry... drive down here and make a big thing... Who told you that? No, it was mutual. What is Pam doing chatting with you? Dwight: Huh. Do you like candy? Angela: It's alright. Dwight: Cause you're sweeter than candy. Angela: What is wrong with you? [Dwight pats Angela on the rear and runs away laughing] Angela: Hey! Toby: Wow, you just dive right into it. Ryan: You know, around age twelve, I just started goin' for it. Michael: [loud noise in bathroom] No! Guh! OW! Awww, help, help me! Toby: What, what happened? Michael: I fell off the toilet. I'm caught between the toilet and the wall. Toby: What do you need? Michael: Ugh, not you. Someone else. Get Pam. Toby: I don't think Pam's gonna want to come into the men's room. Michael: Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. [Ryan shakes his head] and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel. Toby: Ryan, is, uh, dead. Michael: No, he's not. Toby: Dead. Michael: I just saw him. Toby: No. Can't, can't you just get up yourself? I... You only grilled your foot. Michael: Ugh, forget it. I'll just get up myself. No! Uh, aaaahhh! Ah! Oh God! Jim: Do you think Dwight's bein' a little weird today? Pam: No, he's actually been really nice and helpful. Jim: And that isn't weird? Pam: Wow... Michael: Can I have everyone's attention please? Phyllis, Oscar, Ryan, who's supposed to be dead, can I ask you all a question? Do you all know what it's like to be disabled? Oscar? Phyllis: Um, I had scoliosis as a girl. Michael: No, never heard of it. No, a Creed: When I was a teenager, I was in an iron lung. Michael: Wuh, how, how old are you? Look, the point is, I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability, although I'm sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles. Stanley: I'm not disabled and neither are you. Michael: Ok, [lifts up cooked foot] what does this look like to you Stanley?! Stanley: Mailboxes, Etc. Michael: Shuuut it, ok, well, well you know what, disabilities are not things to be laughed at or laughed about. You people are jerks. Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me. Phyllis: Oh, we wouldn't. We love Stevie Wonder. Michael: [sigh] I burned my foot!!! Ok, twenty minutes, conference room, everybody's in there! Dwight: [looking up at Creed] Dad? Michael: While we are waiting for our special guest to arrive, I wanted you all to take a look at a few of the many, many disabled icons who have contributed so much to our society. Jim: Quick question: uh, why is Tom Hanks on the wall? Ryan: Twice. Michael: Good question. Forrest Gump: mentally challenged, Philadelphia [points to a picture from Big]: AIDS. Kevin: I think that's from Big. Michael: I don't think so, no. Kelly: Yeah, he's dancing on a piano with Robert Loggia. Michael: He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works. [sigh] A crossword puzzle Stanley, seriously, are you learning nothing here? Stanley: Uh hmmmm... . Michael: What you mean uh hmmm... ? Stanley: I mean I'm learning nothing. Michael: Ok. Billy Merchant: Michael Scott, I'm looking for Michael Scott. Michael: Yes, right in here, come on in. Billy Merchant: Great. Michael: This, ladies and gentlemen, is our special guest. Billy Merchant: Sorry I'm late. Someone parked in the handicapped parking space. Billy Merchant: Hey everyone, I'm Billy Merchant, you may have seen me around here before, I'm the properties manager of this office park Michael: You are so brave. You are so brave. Billy Merchant: Thank you. Actually, I've been meaning to come by here for a long time... Michael: But it's hard for you! Right? Because you're in a wheelchair. Billy Merchant: No, I just have a lot of properties to manage. Michael: Let me ask you something, how long does it take for you to do something simple, every day, like brush your teeth in the morning? Billy Merchant: I don't know, like 30 seconds? Michael: Oh my God, that's three times as long as it takes me. Michael: How did you get in your wheelchair? Billy Merchant: This morning? Just like every other morning, just climbed on in. [Everyone laughs] Michael: Hey, hey, hey, not funny! Not funny. Billy Merchant: Hey, hey, relax, just jokin around here. Michael: Well, that's good, he still has a sense of humor. Billy Merchant: Listen, I've actually used a chair since I was four years old. I don't really notice it anymore. Michael: Well they notice it. Don't you? You notice it. It's the first thing you saw when he rolled in here, isn't it? Jim: I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill. Billy Merchant: So, there are just a couple things I want to remind everybody of... Michael: Ok... Billy Merchant: First is parking. You can't block the freight entrance with your car, even if your blinkers are on. Does anybody have any questions? [to Dwight, whose arms is raised] Yes. Yeah? yes... Pam: Dwight, you have your hand up. Michael: Ignore him. You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick... Billy Merchant: You know what Michael? Michael: Yeah... Billy Merchant: Let me stop you right there. Michael: Ok. Billy Merchant: And leave. Michael: Did you see Born on the Fourth of July? I was under the impression that Billy would be more like that guy. Billy Merchant: What's wrong with that guy? Jim: You mean today? He stepped on a George Foremen grill and he burned his foot. Billy Merchant: No, not Michael. The moon-faced kid who crashed into the pole. He looks like he has a concussion. Michael: [popping his bubble wrap cast] Hey! Ryan: I found the pudding cups you wanted in a gas station in Carbondale! Michael: You did it! Look at you, and with the plate and the napkin. Very nice. Thank you, Ryan. Ryan: You are very welcome. Michael: Did you get the yams? Ryan: No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams! Michael: [sigh] Ok, I'll just have the pudding. Ryan: You sure? Michael: Yeh. Ryan: Ok. Michael: You know what? I feel better. Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding and his kindness healed my foot. Michael: Yeah, baby, I am feelin' better. My body's literally healing itself. It is amazing what the human body is capable of when you have a powerful brain. Ryan: I ground up four extra-strength aspirin and put them in Michael's pudding. I do the same thing with my dog to get him to take his heartworm medicine. Michael: Uh, finally feel the blood coursing through my foot veins. Dwight: [hits his head on his desk] Uh, ugh, ohhhh... Jim: Uh, ok, I think we need to take him to the hospital because I'm pretty sure he has a concussion. Michael: Oh, now you feel some compassion for him. Angela: He needs to go right now, and you're his emergency contact. I think that you should go with him. Michael: Why don't you go with him? Angela: I, barely know him... Dwight: I want Michael to take me... Michael: I can't take you, I don't have my car and yours is all vomity. Meredith: You can take my van! Michael: Oh, ok, that's, great. No, I can't drive. Jim why don't you drive. Jim: Fine. Michael: We'll go. I'm still recovering. So let's just, Ryan, could you get my coat please. Jim: Slowly, slowly. Let's just get to the elevator. Dwight: Choo choo choo choo choo choo... Jim: What are you doing? What, stop... Dwight: Vietnam sounds. Jim: [Dwight falls onto the couch] Stop, stop, stop, stop. Dwight: Tired... [Jim grabs spray bottle from planter] Jim: You can't lay down. Dwight: Want to take a rake... . Jim: Wake up. [sprays Dwight] Dwight: Ahh! Pam: Dwight, here, let me help you Dwight. Jim: I'm just gonna get... Dwight: Ok, Pam, thanks. Pam: Get up, get up. Dwight: You're the best. Pam: Yeah. Jim: Just keep him awake. Dwight: It smells like chicken soup. Pam: I know. Dwight: I have to go to the hospital. Pam: I know. Dwight: Where we going? Pam: I just want to say goodbye ok? Dwight: I'll be back, I mean... Pam: Yes, I know, but it's gonna be different. Dwight: Why? Pam: It's just hard to explain. Dwight: Aw, Pam, you're adorable [taps her nose] Pam: Oh my goodness! Dwight: [giggles] Pam: Come here. Dwight: Oh, huggy hugs. Michael: Shotgun! Jim: You don't think you should sit in the back with Dwight? Michael: The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout 'shotgun' when you're within the sight of the car gets the front seat. That's how the game's played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion. Michael: Oh, God, a mini-van. What is Meredith's problem? Jim: Well, I think she has a kid. Michael: Well, yeah she has one kid, no husband. She's not gonna find one driving this thing around. Dwight: Where are we going? Jim: Come on, get inside. Dwight: Where are we going? Jim: We're going to Chuck E. Cheese. Michael: Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese. Jim: We're going to the hospital, Michael. Michael: I know, just sayin'. Michael: Dwight, what are you drinking? Dwight: I found it under the seat. Jim: Oh my God, Dwight, put that down. Dwight: I'm thirsty. Jim: Give the bottle to Michael [sprays Dwight] Dwight: No! Jim: Give the bottle to Michael! Dwight: I'm thirsty! Michael: Give it to me. Dwight: No. Michael: Dwight... [to Jim] You just keep your eyes on the road. [to Dwight] Give me the bottle or you're fired. Dwight: You can't fire me, I don't work in this van! Michael: Give it to me Dwight. Dwight: No. [takes a drink] Michael: Give me the bottle!! Jim: [to Michael] Will you stop? Michael: Gimme the bottle, Dwight! Jim: Michael stop. Dwight: [drinks] Mmmmm... Michael: Just give it! Jim: Michael stop. [sprays Michael, then Dwight] Michael: Stop, stop it! Stop spraying! [Dwight whines] Gimme the bottle! Jim: Stop [sprays Michael] Dwight: My eyes! Michael: Stop spraying me! Gimme the bottle! Dwight: My eyes! Michael: Dwight, what is your middle name. Dwight: Danger. Michael: [sigh] Something with a 'K'. Jim: It's Kurt. Wow, I am so sad that I know that. Michael: What do I write under 'reason for visit'? Jim: Concussion. [Michael scribbles something out] What did you write? Michael: Nothing. I wrote 'bringing someone to the hospital'. Jim: So you thought they meant your reason for coming to the hospital. Michael: No... you know what Jim, this isn't about me anymore. I made a miraculous recovery, which is more than I can say for him. [Dwight falls towards Jim] Jim: Come on Dwight. [sprays Dwight] Dwight: Hi Michael! Michael: Hi Dwight. Dwight: Ahhh. Mweehaa Michael: Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury? Doctor: A head injury. Michael: Well, you don't have all the information. The foot as been fairly severely burned and healed quickly, very quickly, actually like suspiciously quickly. Doctor: [to Dwight] So, I'm ordering a CAT scan. Dwight: What is that? Michael: Look since you have the machine up and running, can I just stick my foot, we take a look? Doctor: Well, for a burn, you really just need to look at the outside of the foot. Michael: Ok, what kinda machine is that? Doctor: Does the skin look red and swollen? Dwight: That's what she said. Michael: That's my joke, damnit Dwight. Lab Tech: Ok, no electronics past this point. Camera, sound equipment... Michael: It's ok, they're with me. Lab Tech: No metal of any kind. Michael: Alright, well, I guess this is where we leave you off. Dwight: I don't want to do this. Michael: Uh, well you should of thought of before you crashed your head on your way to pick me up. We'll, see you when you get out. Dwight: Oh. Michael: Fine. Fine. Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Jim: Dunder Mifflin, this is Jim. Pam: Oh my God, what is going on, is Dwight ok? Jim: Uh hmm, he should be fine, but, uh, they brought him in for a CAT scan. Pam: I can't believe he's getting a CAT scan. Jim: Michael went in there with him too. It's pretty sweet. Pam: Really? Michael went in with him? Jim: Uh huh. Pam: Wow. Jim: But they shouldn't be much longer now, so we'll be back soon. Pam: Ok, that's uh, good news [Pam sees Angela eavesdropping] Uh, yeah, no I'll let you go. Jim: Ok. Pam: Ok. Bye. Jim: Bye. Pam: Hey, Oscar? Oscar: What's up, Pam? Pam: I just wanted to let you that Dwight's gonna be ok. The doctor said there's a really simple treatment for a concussion, so he'll probably even be back at work tomorrow. Oscar: Ok... Pam: I just, uh, thought you'd want to know that. Lab Tech: Ok Mr. Schrute, inhale with me on three. One, two, uh Sir? [Michael tries to put his leg in the scanner] Stop that. Stop. Stop that. Oscar: [Jim popping Michael's bubble wrap cast] You should put butter on it. Michael: Uh, that's what she said. See, haven't lost my sense of humor. No, no need, it was a non-stick grill. Jim: I've had a Foreman grill for about six years, I've done about 85% of my cooking on it, but I've never burnt myself, probably because I don't use it as a pillow. Michael: I always keep a stash of bubble wrap at my house. Some days, hectic, tiring days, I just like to go home and zone out and click on the tube and pop a few. Very soothing. [to the interviewer] Want to try? Jim: You know, that's probably not gonna last too long, you should go to a hospital and get a real cast. Michael: Right, I'm gonna spend the day in the hospital, bujehh. Bureaucracy and germs. Jim: And doctors. Michael: Yes, so, no thank you. Dwight: Pssht. Michael: What? Dwight: Constructing a home-made cast? Genius. Filled with foresight. Like in the pioneer times, if you lost a leg, they would then use the bone of the leg for a cane. They wasted nothing. Michael: Wow, I don't want to hear... you talk. Pam, could I have a word with you in my office? [stumbling] Oh, oh, oh. Alright. Ryan: My assignment is to make a temporary disabled parking permit for Michael Scott. Angela: Ooo! Who made popcorn? [Michael rubbing butter on his foot] Toby: [on speakerphone] Well you know, frankly a lot of us have been saying this for a long time. Michael: Yeah, I've been sayin that. Toby: Yeah, and I, uh, I think that the very fact that we're including it in our agenda frankly, is a big step forward. Michael: Did you know I used to be in HR? Toby: I'm sorry? Michael: I used to be in HR. I was a Hell raiser. Toby: Uh, ok. Michael: Right? [laughs] Toby: Uh, great. Why don't we move on? Michael: Alright. Movin' on. Toby: Great. Because you that I think the very fact that [Michael mutes the call] Michael: Ry-an. You're here. Whatcha got, whatcha got? Alright, Panic Room, Maverick, Nell, Sommersby, The Accused. Where's Little Man Tate? Ryan: They were out. Michael: Oh come on. Ryan: At three different places. Michael: Oh man. It's not a Jodie Foster afternoon without Little Man Tate, buddy. Michael: Mmm, I'm telling you the best cure in the world is comfort food. You know how they say 'stuff a cold'? Well I don't care you've got, the flu, Lyme disease, emphysema, you eat an entire dark meat chicken, you can walk on the moon. Dwight: Look, I feel fine. As a volunteer sheriff's deputy I have been trained to notice all the signs of a concussion. One of them is slurred speech, ok? Number three, shortness of breath. There are four things you have to remember. One: I am faster than 80% of all snakes. Also. Doctor: We need to get your friend into the CT machine. Dwight: Into a machine?! Ok. Uh, that's bad, will you stay with me? Michael: No. Dwight: Ok, will you please call my cousin Mose? Michael: No, I'm not calling your weirdo cousin. Twenty-seven years old, never left the beet farm. Dwight: Oh God. Oh God. Michael: Guh-od. Dwight: Oh God. Michael: Ok, I'll stand near you. Dwight: Next to me? Michael: Next-ish. Jim: I'm gonna pull the car around. Michael: Shh shh shh shh. Jim: Do you speak Spanish? Michael: No. Do you? Jim: No, I don't.

Jim: Not much what's up with you? Pam: Oh, I can not believe I fell for that. [laughing] Oh, my God. Michael: Ah, ah, ah, what? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me. Jim: Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here? Michael: What's up-dog? Jim: Nothin' much what's up with you? Michael: Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant! Michael: Hey, Stanley, is that jacket make of up-dog? Stanley: I'm on the phone. Michael: Mmm, what flavour coffee is that? Up-dog? Ryan: What's that? Michael: I don't know, nothin', what's up with you? Ryan: Huh? Michael: [low] No, damn it! Kevin: What does that mean? Michael: What does what mean? Kevin: The thing you just said? Michael: Just forget it. Michael: Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog? Dwight: What's up-dog? Michael: Gotcha! [laughing] Oh, God. [low] Crap! Nothin' how ya doing? Dwight: Good. How are you doing? Jim: [mouthing] So close. Michael: [low] Damn it. Michael: Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes I know its January. I am not an idiot. But, if you do your Spring cleaning in January; guess what you don't have to do in the spring? Anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well I say that an empty desk means a... Dwight: Empty mind. Michael: No, that's not... no, that's not what I was going to say. Dwight: Meredith, men's room. Make sure you replace the urinal cakes. They're worn down. Kevin file drawers. Angela kitchen. Oscar dusting. Where is Oscar? Angela: He's out sick. Dwight: That's unacceptable. Angela: I agree it's unacceptable. [longing look] Kevin: Whhh... What are you guys doing? Dwight: Michael. Michael: Yes. Dwight: Oscar is out sick. Michael: On a Friday? [Dwight nods] Dwight: Can I do some of the talking? Michael: I will do all the talking. Dwight: Ok, let him know that I'm here. Oscar: Hello. Michael: What difference does it make whether your here? Oscar: Hello? Michael: Hi, Oscar its Michael. Dwight: And Dwight. Michael: Yechh, yeah, um, heard you were under the weather? Oscar: Yeah I think I came down with the flu. Michael: Really? Oh, that is a shame. You know it's cleaning day here today? Could have used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic. Oscar: Yeah, I feel terrible about it. Dwight: Ask him his symptoms. I'm on Web M.D. Michael: What are your symptoms? Oscar: I have the chills. Michael: Umm, hmmm. Oscar: I feel nauseous and my heads killing. Dwight: Checks out. Oscar: Michael is there anything you need from me? I'd like to go back to bed. Michael: I need you to go back to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday. Unless you're still sick. So have a great long weekend. Oscar: I'll just be sleep- [Michael hangs up the phone before Oscar can finish] Dwight: Ok. First impressions? Michael: He sounded sick. Dwight: Which is exactly how you'd wanna sound like if you wanted someone to think you were sick. Michael: That's exactly what I was thinking. Dwight: Question? May I investigate? Michael: Yeah. Drop what you're doing. Make this a priority. Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs. Pam: I bought my veil. Kelly: Oh my God! That is so exciting! Can I be a bridesmaid? Pam: Ummm... Kelly: Listen, you don't have to answer now. But how are you going to do your hair? Pam: Ok. I was thinking about wearing it down. Kind of like, I don't know, like loose with big curls and... Kelly: You'd look like an angel. I'm seriously going to cry. Michael: Wowweee. Mikey likey. Why don't you wear your hair like that all the time. It's much sexier. [Pam puts hair back up] [Michael walks by Jim] Man, this must be torture for you. Jim: Yeah. On the booze cruise I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy and had a couple drinks. And I confided in the world's worst confidant. Jim: Hey Michael. Michael: Hey Jim-bag. Jim: Remember that thing I told you on the booze cruise about Pam? That... was... personal so if we can just keep that between you and me. That would be great. Michael: Really? Jim: Umm, hmm. Michael: Who else knows? Jim: Nobody. Michael: Wow! Michael: Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work. But, the fact that he told me his secret and no one else knows says everything about our friendship. And it is why, I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can. Michael: My lips are sealed. [singing] My lips are sealed... Bangles. Jim: Alright. Great. Thank you. Michael: [singing] Can you hear me, they talk about us... Dwight: Listen Temp. I am conducting a little investigation so I'm no longer going to be able to head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it? Ryan: Yeah, I think I can handle it. Dwight: Do you Ryan: I think. Dwight: [low] Oh God, here. Michael: Hey, whatcha gettin'? Jim: I'm going with grape. Michael: Ah, good stuff, good stuff. Did you see the game last night? Jim: Which one? Michael: Any of em? So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the 'P' situation? Jim: I don't know what you mean. Michael: P-A-M. P-A Jim: Uh, uh, ok. Michael: No it's okay, we're talking code. Stanley: What is? Michael: Listen Stanley. How long does it take you to pick out a soda? Jim: I'm going to take off actually. Michael: Alright, well, cool. [Michael walks by Jim] Still deciding? Stanley: Hmm? Michael: [Michael presses a button for Stanley] Peach iced tea. You're going to hate it. Dwight: Hey Oscar how ya doin'? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen a little question for you, buddy. I called six minutes ago and no one answered. So I was wondering if you could explain. Oh, I see, so. Sounds like you're too sick to come into work but your well enough to go to the pharmacy. Dwight: There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful. Michael: It's Grrrrrrape! Soda. Jim: Tony the tiger. You don't hear that much any more. Michael: Not so much. Dwight: Ok, what is going on here? Michael: Nothing. Dwight: Oh, really nothing? Fact: You are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact: You are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim. Michael: Fact: I love grape soda. I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets. Dwight: Ok. So what is the secret Michael? Jim: Um, I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material. Dwight: Is that true? Michael: Um, I don't know, yeah, yeah, yeah it is. Dwight: Thank you Michael. I know your telling the truth. Michael: Ok. Dwight: I can tell. I won't let you down. Michael: Good. Jim: Thanks. Michael: Whooo, nice. That was, that was slick. What are you doin' for lunch? Jim: I don't know probably just gonna eat my ham and cheese sandwich in the break room. Michael: Oh nonsense [lifts leg and puts it on Jim's desk], no way, no. Why don't, why don't I take you out to lunch? My treat. Jim: No, that's alright, thank you though. It's, I, gotta do some cleaning, should probably stick around here. Michael: Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic order some 'za. Talk about you know who. Jim: Oh, ah, no but no. You know what let's go out. That was a good idea. Let's go out. Michael: I know just he place. Michael: [at Hooters] Oh man, you should order milk. Get it? Michael: Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings. Michael: Oh, here we go, here we go. Bogy at 3 o'clock. Hi. Dana: Hey I'm Dana. Welcome to Hooters. Michael: We're not worthy. We're not worthy. Hello Dana, I am Michael and this is Jim and we are brothers. Jim: Nope we're not brothers. Michael: I'm his boss actually. And I treat him well. I'm taking him out to lunch cause I can afford it and he can have whatever he wants. Jim: Can I just have the ham and cheese sandwich, thanks. Dana: And for you? Michael: Tell me Dana, how is your chicken breast? Dana: Oh, it's great. It's served with our world famous wing sauce. Michael: Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken. [Giggles] Dana: Is that what you really want? Michael: No, I'm gonna have the gourmet hot dog. Dana: Great. Dwight: Who took all the black ones? Pam: That's a communal bowl. Dwight: So, how did Oscar sound when he called in? Pam: Sick, like lots of sniffling. I don't know. Dwight: Sniffling how? Pam: Umm. How many different ways are there to sniffle? Dwight: Three. Pam: Ok, it was the second one. Dwight: Ok, good, thank you. That wasn't so hard now was it? Pam: Nuh-uh. Michael: What do you like best about Pam? Jim: Uh, I really don't want to talk about it. Michael: Is it her boobs, or... Jim: Um, she's easy to talk to I guess and she's got a really good sense of humor. Michael: Really? Jim: Uh-huh. Michael: Never get's any of my jokes. Jim: What about you? Michael: Her boobs, definitely. Jim: Wow, that's not what I meant. Dana: Here you go. Michael: Oh, thank you. Dana: And I understand we have a birthday today. Michael: Ohhh happy birthday Jim! Dana: Ready girls? Front side. Hooter's Girls: You put your front side in; you put your front side out. You put your front side in and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about. Whoo, hoo! Jim: Thank you. Michael: Woo! Yeah! Jim: Thanks, thanks Dana. Michael: Thank you very much. Michael: Hilarious. Hey. Pam: What did you guys talk about? Jim: [Holds up Hooters t-shirt] Just you know politics, literature. Pam: I hate you. Dwight: Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office. Michael: Just go to his house and see if he's sick. I could have done this Investigation in like twenty minutes. Dwight: Including prep time? Michael: Just do it. Ryan: If I had to I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too. Michael: [Michael messes up hair to look like Jim's] Expenses. Kevin: Michael is that a wig? Michael: No. It's... I wear it like that sometimes. Is that a wig? Kevin: No. Angela: This is from Hooters. Michael: Yeah, it's a business lunch. Angela: Did Toby approve this? Michael: No he did not. I don't need his permission. Toby: You just got your corporate credit card back. Do you really want me to take it away again? Michael: Uhhh it's ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don't understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related, right? Michael: I put a cigarette through a freakin' quarter. And you know what Toby? They almost bought from us. Toby: I'm not processing this. Michael: Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch, he has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity. How is that not work related? Toby: He seems fine to me. Michael: You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please? Kelly: Pam? Phylis: Angela who would you choose Jim or Roy? Angela: It's nobody's business, Phyllis. Roy. Kevin: Jim has got it bad for Pam. Creed: Oh ho! Which one is Pam? Kevin: Well she's the... Hey Michael so do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding? Michael: You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me. Dwight: As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I have been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was, with a couple of guys actually so... mystery solved. Kelly: Jim, why didn't you tell me you had a crush on Pam? Jim: Well the cats out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam and now I [hesitate] don't. Riveting. Kevin: Nice... she is Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: Did you find anything good in your desk? Jim: Ah, coupon for a free sandwich. Pam: Score. Jim: It expired in August, and my cell phone charger from two years ago. Pam: Big day. Jim: Big day. Jim: Hey oh, listen, um, I told Michael on the booze cruise. It's so stupid. Um, I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here. Pam: Oh. Jim: Well I thought that, I figured you should hear it from me rather than, I mean you know Michael. Pam: Right. Jim: And seriously, it's totally not a big deal, ok? And when I found out you were engaged, I mean. Pam: No, I know, like, I kind of like, I thought that maybe you did when I first started. Jim: Oh you did? Pam: No, I mean, just 'cause we like got along so well. Jim: No, no, you saw through me, great. Pam: So are you going to be like totally awkward around me now? Jim: Oh yeah, yeah... hope that's okay. Pam: Mmm, hmm. Jim: And Pam it was like three years ago so I am totally over it. Pam: Cool. Jim: Ok. Dwight: Stay low... This is it... There he is. He's been gone for at least two hours. Who is that? Come to Papa... Oh yes. Let's roll. I knew it! You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all. Gil: Who's this? Dwight: This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this? Gil: Gil. Oscar: Are you going to tell Michael? Dwight: How bout this. I don't tell Michael and in exchange you owe me one great big giant favor. Redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing. Dwight: Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance. Hmm, probably, but now I know something he doesn't want me to know. So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake. Jim: Hey. Michael: I know, I know, I know. Jim: Umm, what happened? Michael: I, oh, just, um, I know I was trying to, expense reports. And then God, Toby, you know he just... I know. I'm just, I just hope that, I just hope that [starts to get choked up] this doesn't affect our friendship! Stupid, this is so stupid. Jim: Hey, hey, wow, wow. Listen man it's, you know what. It's not a big deal. Michael: Ok, I'm fine, no I know, I'm good, I'm good, it's just. Jim: Look its one day, everything's gonna be alright. No big deal. You good? Michael: Yeah I'm good. Jim: Good. Ryan: Creed did you organize the menu book? Creed: Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis. Ryan: No, that was mandatory. Creed: Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing. Pam: Hey, here's your schedule for next week. Are you okay? Michael: Yeah I'm fine. Look, about you and Jim. Pam: Oh, no, that's, you don't have to. Michael: No, I feel it's my responsibility as your boss slash friend. Pam: No, really, it's okay. I know that Jim had, like a crush on me when he first started. But that was a long time ago, so. Michael: It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise. Pam: Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise? Michael: Yehhh, okay, shuuttt it Michael. I'm done. That's it. I'm out. Jim: Ready? Pam: Yep. Michael: People are always coming to me. 'Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust.' No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a... Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call... More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't, I don't want to live like that. I like it here. I don't want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott. Michael: Hello. Pammy want a cracker? Pam: No thanks. You got a package. Michael: Oh, Pam with the dirty talk. [laughs] Dwight: And he's lining it up. Seems pretty straightforward from here. If Michael Scott sinks it, he'll win a Buick signed by Tiger Woods. Michael: Oh! Dwight: He totally misses, Michael: No, he meant to put it right next to the hole, that's much harder to do. Dwight: Interception. He shoots, he scores, yeah! Michael, try it like this. This'll be much harder. Michael: No, no, no, no. I don't want to chip my mug. Please get that off the floor. [sets mug on the edge of Michael's desk] Michael: All right. Jack Nicholson for birdie. Dwight: Jack Nicholas. Michael: It's a celebrity tournament. Dwight: [golf ball rolls under bookcase] I got it. No problem. [clears throat] Michael: Do you see it? Dwight: Oh, man, it's really back there. Michael: Do you feel it? Dwight: Yeah. I can barely... Michael: [mug falls off Michel's desk and smashes on the floor] God... damn it, Dwight! That's great. Dwight: Should I clean out my desk? Michael: [pulls a brand new mug out of his desk door] That won't be necessary. Dwight: Don't be fooled by the phrase 'dust bunnies.' They are vicious little bitches and if they get inside your disc drive, God help you. They will bring your computer to its knees. They sit in corners hatching, defecating, laying eggs. And their sole purpose in life is to eat dead skin, which humans in this office shed by the boat load. Especially Creed. Michael: Look at all them out there, my little worker bees buzzing away. Dwight: If they're the worker bees, you're the Queen bee. Michael: No, I am the King bee, Dwight: Queen's higher. Michael: No, King is higher. Then Ace. I am the Ace bee. Ryan: People Magazine, crossword puzzle, keep or toss? Michael: Keep. I will finish that later. Ryan: It's from '99. Michael: Yeah, I know when it's from, Ryan. Ryan: 18 across. Mary-Kate and Ashley blank.' Michael wrote, 'Judd?' Michael: Yeah, I rushed a few fraternities, but you know what? I don't believe in paying for friendships. So, I made a decision not to accept any offers. And fortunately none were made. Which was good, so nobody's feelings got hurt. Dwight: Temp, shouldn't you be monitoring the progress of people's cleaning efforts? Ryan: Everything seems pretty much under control. Dwight: Yeah. Well, I'd hate to see it blow up in your face. Ryan: How would... Dwight: Let's table that. So, temp... You seem to be pretty close to this Oscar. Ryan: Not really. Dwight: Getting defensive? Ryan: No. Dwight: You seem a little nervous. You shouldn't be. Michael: Thank you, Dana. Dana: Sure. Michael: Keep the change. Here you go buddy, happy birthday. Jim: Wow. Thanks. Michael: You're welcome. Jim: No, you what, seriously, you should have it. Michael: No, no, no, no. I have the long sleeve. And actually, you know what we should do? We should wear them tomorrow to work, it'll be hysterical. Jim: Oh, tomorrow, that's gonna be tough 'cause I already laid out my outfit, so... Michael: Okay, Tuesday. Whenever. You'd better try it on, make sure it fits.

Ryan: [catching Jim looking at him at Pam's desk] What? Jim: Oh, nothing. Jim: Pam's on vacation and she gets back tomorrow, so it'll be nice to see her. It'll be nice, and, uh, she set a date for the wedding with Roy. Uh... June. Summer. So, that'll be nice. And that's that. Ryan: [again catching Jim looking at him] What? Jim: Oh, nothing. Ryan: Jim's been looking at me kind of a lot all week. I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me. Michael: Spamster! Pam: Um, Pam plus Spam plus...? Michael: Hamster. Pam: Right. Michael: Welcome back! How was your vacation? Pam: It was great. Michael: Yeah? Pam: Mm-hm. Michael: Did you get lucky? Oh! Boink! Pam: Roy and I just got back from the Poconos. I get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible, and this year I got to the third week in January. Michael: I am Pam. Spicoli guy. Oh, God. Names, numbers. Okay. [walking into office] Whoa! God! Yuck, yuck. Yuck. Yuck! Pam: What? Michael: Wow! What happened in there? Pam: I don't know. Michael: There is stink in there, my God! What is... what is that? Pam: [looking at pile on Michel's carpet] Oh... I don't know. Michael: Is it a bird? Pam: No, I don't think it's a bird. Michael: Oh, God! How could that happen? How could... right in the middle of the carpet. Kevin: What's goin' on? Michael: Um, somebody vomited right in the middle of the carpet in my office. Kevin: [taking a look] I don't think that's vomit. Michael: Check it out. Kevin: Me? Michael: Check it out. Don't be a wuss, just get... no, I'm not holding your coffee. Kevin: Oh, that's ridiculous. Michael: What is it? Kevin: Michael. [tapping on door] Michael: What is it? No, just tell me what it is. Kevin: [pounding on door] Michael, I ... I ... I gotta get outta here. I can't hold my breath that long. Pam: Open the door up! Kevin: It smelled Pam and others: [after going in to check out the smell] Phew. Oh! No, mm-mm. [leaving quickly] Michael: I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that in there. Toby: That's no burst pipe. Michael: How do you know that? What is it, then? Creed: Hi guys. Somebody makin' soup? Michael: [as cleaning lady with mask leaves] Here she comes. All cleaned? Great. [walks into office] Dwight: [coughing] It's still stinky. Michael: That is worse. Dwight: She probably scrubbed it Michael: [while in his reeking office] I am a big Fear Factor fan. I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually, so this is sort of like my audition tape. Um... [clearing throat] I can't stand it [gets up to leave], I can't stay in here another second. No! Jim: Hey! Welcome back! Pam: Thanks! Jim: So, how was the resort? Did you ski a lot? Pam: A little. Jim: Good! What's goin' on here? Jim: What? I did not do that. That sounds disgusting. Ryan: [barely stifling laughter] It wasn't me. Um... it wasn't me. [regaining composure] It was not me. Jim: [smelling the stink] Oh. Wow. Pam: [giggles at Roy] Michael: [sitting at Jim's desk] Hey Jim. I thought that we would be desk buddies while they changed my carpet. Jim: That might be a little difficult with the one computer. Michael: Oh... It's ... Jim: But there's definitely a desk open in the back. Michael: [reluctantly] Yeah ... Jim: ...which I guess I'll be taking. Michael: No, no, no! Seriously, I don't mind sharing. Jim: No, no, no, seriously, I'll be in the back. Jim: Hey, Kelly. Kelly: Are you moving back here? Jim: Um, just for the day while Michael's at my desk. Kelly: Because Toby used to sit there, but he had to move over there because of an allergy. Jim: Allergy to... the desk? Kelly: [shaking head] Weird. Michael: [putting his feet on desk] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old bullpen. Dwight: [putting his feet on desk] Ha ha ha... the old bullpen. Michael: Don't ape me. Dwight: Okay. Michael: This is great. Dwight: Yeah! Michael: The pressures of my office are insane. Dwight: [agreeing] Mm. Michael: I just... you couldn't understand, but man, you guys have it so easy out here, you know? I used to sit right here. Dwight: No way! Michael: Yeah. Dwight: And who had your office? Michael: Ed Truck. [exclaiming is disgust] Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, 'Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us. Stop having fun. Start pretending to do work.' What a jerk. He's... You know what? I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away. Kelly: [to Jim] I'm serious. My closet doors will not shut. I mean, it only takes so long to measure to make sure that clothes will hang up because aren't all hangers like that big? So I don't understand why the closet engineer didn't think of that. So now I'm doing this new thing where I just leave piles of clothes on the floor and then I walk around the piles to get an outfit... Michael: You know who used to sit at that desk? Dwight: That guy Miles who quit to form his own company? Michael: Mm-mm. Todd Packer. Dwight: No! Michael: Yeah. Dwight: I thought he was out on the road. Michael: He was, but, uh... that desk was empty. He'd come in and sit there sometimes. Dwight: Ah. Michael: When I was in training, many years ago... not so long ago... I worked side-by-side with a fellow named Todd Packer, and together we rocked the office [picture behind Michael falls]. Packer and I once spent the whole day with our pants off, and when people noticed, we convinced them that Michael: I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. Stanley: [on phone] Excuse me one second, please. [to Michael] What is it that you need right now that you can't wait until I'm off the phone with a customer? Michael: Oh, a customer, well, sound the alarm. [laughs] Okay. Michael: Another time, Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like a minute. Guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired. Creed: [after Michael punches him in the arm] What did you hit me for? Michael: Charley horse! Creed: What? Michael: Charley horse! Creed: You shouldn't have hit me, Michael. Michael: Oh, okay. Gah. Michael: Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. [giggles] It was hysterical. Kelly: [to Jim] Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones... Ryan: Hey Jim, Michael wanted me to ask you how to raise your desk chair. Jim: It's the lever on the side. Ryan: That's what I told him. Thanks. [leaves] Kelly: Oh my God, he is so cute! Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me? Jim: No, I don't think I can... Kelly: Oh, please Jim? Please, please, Jim. Please, please, please? He's so cute. I like him Michael: [whispering] Dwight. Dwight: [whispering] Michael. Michael: Let's send up Accounting. Dwight: What? Michael: Old fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting. Yeah. Follow my lead. Michael: Hey guys. Oscar: Hey, Michael. Michael: Ahem. What's up? Oscar: Hey, Dwight. Michael and Dwight: [as they throw accountants' files and supplies around] Ahhhh! Whoo hoo! Come on, come on, come on, come on! Sales rules! Dwight: Yeah! [laughing] Michael: Yeah! Oh ho ho [laughing] Dwight: Should we help 'em pick up their stuff? Michael: No, no, no, no. We don't do that. We don't do that. Dwight: Okay. Michael: Watch out, Pam. You're next! Pam: You're gonna throw my things on the ground? Michael: Maybe! Oscar: What happened in Michael's office was wrong. I understand it [chuckles], it makes sense [regains composure] But it... it was still wrong. Michael: Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her. Michael: You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense. Dwight: [on phone] Hello, am I the 107th caller? [hangs up, dials again] Hello, Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and dials again] Hell , Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and begins to dial again] I'm totally gonna win us that box set. Michael: Stop. Dwight: Jethro Tull... Michael: Stop it. [Dwight hangs up] Stop. It. [Dwight beings to dial] Don't. Don't. Dwight: I need to make a sales call. Please? Michael: All right. Dwight: [on phone, whispering] Am I the 107th caller? Pam: [to Roy in Jim's earshot] ...back so soon. Roy: We can go back in, like, a couple of weeks maybe. Pam: Yeah, right. Roy: Okay, maybe another month, like, maybe for, like President's Day or something. Pam: Yeah, that's right. We could do a three-day weekend. I wonder if I could, like, call in sick on the Friday. Then I get a four-day weekend. Kelly: [to unseen co-worker] But it's so weird to fall asleep. And I just hate it. 'Cause I try to go to bed at, like, 9:30. Pam: [to Roy as Jim escapes into bathroom] Are you kidding? Roy: No. Michael: Hi, guys. Angela: We haven't finished getting things in order from your last visit. Michael: I'm just walking around. Angela: Were you? Michael: Well, yeah. Oscar: It's just that we're really swamped over here, Michael. Michael: Oh, and I'm not? Why would you say that? Because I'm having fun? You guys just are workin' for the weekend, aren't you? I'm workin' for the week. Sales team, listen to me. This is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna up the ante a little bit literally. Right here, I'm gonna put a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The person with the most sales at the end of the day gets to keep the cash. Sound good? Dwight: Yeah! Michael: [counting cash] Seventy, eighty, one, two three. Eighty-three dollars. Still a lotta money and I'm going to ... [moves money after seeing workmen walk by] ... I'm gonna leave it right over here where everybody can see it. I will be taking Jim's clients today because he is not here and out of sight, out of the contest. Let's see who winds up with the cash, shall we? Phyllis: You're gonna compete against us? Michael: Oh, it is on, Phyllis, it is so on! Dwight: It is so on! Michael: God, this is gonna be fun. Dwight: Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us! Michael: [on phone] So you have 40 boxes going out, and I will deliver those personally in a Sebring. Very good, nice doing business with you. Thank you. [hangs up] Yes! [chuckles] Oh, yeah! Read it and weep. Oh! Oh, look at that! [puts post-it on Phyllis' forehead] Look at me, Phyllis! Oh, what is that? That's my sale! [humming then dancing victoriously] Darryl: [walking by with new carpet] What... What's that? Whatcha doing? Michael: [stops dance] Nothing. Roy: [laughing] I think he's dancing. Michael: No. Just ... Darryl: That was definitely not dancing. Michael: You know what, guys? It's none of your concern. It was official business, so just... Darryl: Paper business. Michael: Yeah, paper business. Is this done? Roy: Nope. Michael: Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour. If you were on that crew, you would be fired like that. [snaps] Pam: Somebody did something bad to Michael's carpet. Maybe that's all we need to know. Creed: [to Oscar] Who do you think did it? Oscar: Are you kidding? I thought it was you. Creed: Really? I thought you. [both laugh in Michael's earshot] Michael: This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them. Michael: You know what? Today is not a good day for a sales contest. We're... we're not... we're not doin' this today. Pam: That doesn't seem fair. Michael: You wanna talk about fair? Does anyone need to smell my old carpet? You explain to me how that was fair, and I'll explain to you how this is fair. Plus I just... I think that picking today was sort of taking advantage. Dwight: But you're the one who picked today. Michael: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talkin' about. Stanley: That's not what a hate crime is. Michael: Well I hated it! A lot! Okay, I... you know what? If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we'd be done . [no one comes forward] Very well. Then you are all punished. Pam: What's our punishment? Michael: You're all on a time out. Just sit there quietly. [phone rings, Phyllis reaches to answer] No. NO! [phone continues to ring] Jim: Hey! Ryan: What's up? Jim: Nothing much. Let me ask you something. It's actually little awkward. Ryan: What? Jim: What do you think of Kelly? Ryan: I don't know. Depends if you like a little junk in ... [notices camera] Umm... She's really cool. Jim: Are you interested in her? Ryan: Yeah, totally. Jim: Really? Ryan: Did she say something? Jim: She said lots of things. Ryan: Do you know if she's looking for a long-term thing or if she'd be cool just hangin' out? Jim: I have no idea. Ryan: Can you find out? Jim: Yeah. Sure. Kelly: [to Jim] Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together... but don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm, like, up for anything. I mean, I'm not a slut, but who knows? Michael: Do you remember Ed Truck? Creed: Sure. He hired me. How's he doing? Michael: How would I know? Creed: I thought you might. Michael: My biggest fear is turning into him. Creed: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that. Michael: [sighs] I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you? Michael: [meeting Ed Truck in parking lot] Ed? Hi. Thanks for meeting me. Must be kinda neat comin' back. Ed: Yeah. Should we go upstairs? Michael: Uh, well, honestly Ed, I really don't wanna be up there right now. Ed: So, what's the problem with my pension? Michael: Oh, no, no, no. You're good. It was clerical. You're good. Um, well, somebody did something in my office, and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me. Ed: Well, what was done? Michael: I didn't get a good look at... it, but it smells horrible. Ed: Yeah, somebody once did that in my office. Michael: Really? Ed: Yeah. Michael: Well, that figures. So how did you deal with people not liking you? Ed: You can't expect to be friends with everybody. Michael: Well... s-sure I can. Ed: No. They'll always think of you as a boss first. Michael: Not necessarily. You can love a boss like you do a father. Ed: I'm not sure that ever happens. Michael: Well, okay. Different management styles. Ed: Why can't your workers be your workers, family be your family, your friends be your friends? Michael: Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, 'Uh... no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.' Jim: [on phone] Hey, Brenda. This is, uh, Jim Halpert from the boat. And I got your number from the corporate directory and, well, I was assuming that you probably gave it to them because you wanted me to ask you out, right? Um, so gimme a call back. You can get my number from said directory, um, or just check your e-mail 'cause I just sent you one. Yikes. Uh... give me a call back, I hope. I'll talk to you later. Bye. Kelly: You just asked a girl out on the phone! Jim: Yep. Michael: [on phone] Yes. Todd Packer: Hello, yes. I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott. Michael: Who is this? How did you get this number? Packer: Your mom, you gay nerd! Michael: Oh my God. Packer. Packster. Whacky Pack. How you doin'? Todd: Hey, did you get that package I left for you? Michael: Uh... no. Did anybody see a package here today? No. How big was it? Packer: It was pretty big. Michael: Really? Packer: Yeah. Michael: Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it? Packer: Left it in the middle of your office. Michael: Really? Guys, did you see a big package in my office? Roy: You mean the thing? Packer: [laughs uproariously] Michael: Are you kidding me? Oh! Packer: Special delivery! Michael: That was Packer! Oh, you're... you are dead. You are dead, my friend! That is hilar... Oh, God! Of course it was you. Packer: Sit on the throne, Michael. Michael: Oh. [laughs and claps] Yeah, yeah! Oh my God. It was Packer! Michael: It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don't expect everybody to understand. It was done out of love, just like I thought. It's ah... God, these people are so... these are good people. We have fun. [giggles] We just have fun! Oh, I'm just so sorry that I threw the thing out. Jim's voicemail: You have seven unheard messages. Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, Jim. It's Pam. I keep looking up to say something to you and then Michael's there and it's horrible. Anyway, I'm bored. Come back! Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, guess what? I moved my computer so I can't see Michael's head. It's working. I think I can have a career as a very specific type of decorator. Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Sudoku. Level moderate. 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert. Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] I'll transfer you. Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold, please. Dunder Mifflin, this is ... okay, sorry. Michael was standing at my desk, and I needed to be busy or who knows what would've happened, so thank you. Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, what's that word we made up when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? Anyway, I have a thing stuck in my shoe. Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, I have a chance to sneak out of here early, and I'm not messing this up, so I'll see you tomorrow. Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Calling from my cell phone. I don't know if you guys figured out who did that to Michael's carpet yet, but I have a theory that involves an inter-departmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office. We need to talk. Dwight: I think this whole disaster on Michael's carpet happened for a good reason. Him sitting next to me is a huge gift. This girl I know would say that it was a gift from God, but I don't know about all that. Angela: Obviously, this was Kevin. This is his sense of humor exactly. Kevin: There are so many people with motives, even me. Almost everyone is a suspect. Whoever did this is a genius. [laughs] Kelly: That looks, cool, where is that? Jim: What? Kelly: That hotel, it looks so romantic. Jim: Oh, just somewhere in the Poconos. I was just surfing. Kelly: I went with my parents to the Shadowbrook Farm once. That was also really romantic. Oh, my God, I wish a boy would take me there. I would need a fun new top. You know what a great color is on me? Lavender, actually. Jim: Just give me one second. I'm just gonna grab something to eat. Jim: Hey. Toby: Hey. Jim: So, you used to share that cubicle with Kelly, right? Toby: Mmm-hmm. Jim: And then you just changed desks, right? Toby: Yeah. Jim: To one without a cubicle. Toby: Yeah. Jim: So, you just couldn't take it anymore, huh? Toby: What are you talking about? Jim: So, that's how it's gonna be. Toby: Yeah. Toby: Honestly, I don't even hear her anymore. It's like waves crashing against the beach. Michael: [on the phone] Okay, that quantity of cotton fiber will cost you... my screen disappeared. I know. I will click on the bottom and... Yes. I'm getting one of those little hourglass things. Used to have a price chart on the wall, now it's a little hourglass thing with an arrow next to it. Now it's just an hourglass thing. Uh-huh, yeah, well, or I can call you back. Okay. Dwight: [on the phone] Excellent, good, good. Well, our truck is going out first thing tomorrow morning. So... Stanley: ...cases of typical format and coated white paper. Okay, thanks again so much. All right, bye-bye. Phyllis: 20 cartons of it's coming, on it's way. Michael: What's going on? Anything here? Stanley: Yes. Michael: Yes, yes. What yes? A sale or a lead or... Stanley: A sale. Michael: Ah. Small? Stanley: Big. Michael: Huge? Stanley: Just big. Michael: Would you say the sale that I made earlier was huge or... Stanley: Big. Dwight: [on the phone] Good. No, I completely understand, times are a little tight right now. If it's alright with you though, I will just give you a call back next month. Great, thank you so much. Goodbye. Michael: What was that? Dwight: What? Michael: You call that a sales call? My God, what have they been teaching you? Dwight: You're the one who trained me, Michael. Michael: Yeah, well, did I teach you to roll over like a submissive dog? Dwight: You most certainly did not. Michael: No, I did not. Dwight: What can I do better? Michael: Exactly, ask me, which you did, so, tell a joke. Dwight: I'm not good at jokes. Michael: Do you know a joke? Dwight: My cousin Mose told me a joke. Michael: Call a client right now. Dwight: Okay. Michael: And tell him the joke. Dwight: I will. Michael: Strike while the iron's hot. A joke always works. Dwight: [on the phone] Yes, Howard Gruber, please. Michael: Just sell it. Dwight: [on the phone] Howard, hello. Dwight Schrute. Dunder Mifflin. Yes, and you are my favorite client. Listen, I'm calling you to tell you a little joke. What is black and white and red and can't think? A nun who has a beet for a head. ... No, I'm Catholic, too. Michael: Give me the phone. Dwight: [on the phone] I understand. Michael: Give me the phone. Dwight: [on the phone] If I was offensive in any way, I... Michael: Tell him. Tell him that your supervisor is on the line. Dwight: [on the phone] Humor works in... Michael: The old one two. Let's do it. Dwight: [on the phone] ...crazy ways. I'm going to pass you off to my supervisor. Hold on one second. [whispering] Howard Gruber. It's Howard Gruber. Michael: [on the phone] Hey Howard. Michael Scott here. Yeah, sorry about that. Dwight is an idiot. I know. No, he's a little... Little dim. He's the janitor's brother, so... Dwight: That's not true. Michael: [on the phone] Uh-huh? Yeah. Well, you know, like in a fast food restaurant, just to be nice they hire somebody who can't even find their way to work? That is Dwight. Dwight: [whispering] He's my best customer. Michael: [on the phone] What can we do to help you out? You know what? I have a discount. Today and today only, on lightweight copier paper. Dwight: But that's my sale. This is my sale, Michael! Michael: [on the phone] Uh-huh, yes, I can do that. Absolutely! Perfect. Oh, I'm glad it timed out that way. Dwight: What Michael doesn't understand is that when I worked in the fast food industry I was actually commended by management for the three 'M's. McService, McCompetence and McPunctuality. Roy: [laughing] You gotta drink on that one. Too bad. Darryl: Hell yeah, yeah, yeah. Mo'fo, mo'fo. Roy: You ready? Darryl: Mmm-hmm. [thumping] [Roy groaning] Now you've got to drink. Dwight: Okay, look, I know what you're gonna say. That I'm not standing up for myself. But you know what? It's complicated and I really don't appreciate all the badgering. Angela: You could out-sell Michael any day. Michael: I really thought these people were my friends. My best friend since kindergarten, Elliot, that's a friend. Best friend ever. I should call him. Wonder where he lives.

Jan: So, I'm happy to be here. It's very nice to see all of you. You're all looking well. Pam: Today's a 'women in the workplace' thing. Jan's coming in from Corporate to talk to all the women about... um... I don't really know what. But Michael's not allowed in. She said that about five times. Jan: Women today, though we have the same options as men, we often face a very different set of obstacles in getting there. So... Michael: [knocks] Hey, what's going on? Jan: Michael... I thought we agreed you wouldn't be here. Michael: Yeah... I... You know what... I... I... I just thought about it. I just have a few things I want to say. Jan: What are you doing? Michael: Hold... Just hear me out. What is more important than Quality? E-Quality. Now studies show that today's woman, the Ally McBeal woman, as I call her, is at a crossroads... Jan: Michael. Michael: No, just uh... you have come a long way, baby. But I just... just want to keep it within reason. Jan: Michael. Michael: They did this up in Albany... Jan: You are not allowed in this session. Michael: And they ended up turning the break room into a lactation room which is disgusting so... Jan: Now you're really not allowed in this session. Michael: Well, I'm their boss, so I feel like... Jan: I'm your boss. Michael: [stands up] Anybody want any coffee or... Jan: We're fine, Michael. We just need you to leave, please. Michael: Women in the workplace... yeah, translation 'I have been banned from my own conference room so that Jan can talk in secret to all the girls.' Oh! Sorry. 'Women of the workplace.' About what? I don't know. Clothes. Me. Eeegkh! Jan: Ladies, I am so, so sorry. Can we start again? We were on such a roll. I... I... really apologize. Pam: Jan. Jan: Yes, Pam? Pam: Michael's still at the door. Jan: Michael! Jan: [in the background] So one obstacle is how assertiveness is perceived differently in men and women. Men who are assertive will be admired. They're called... anyone? Dwight: It's a terrible idea. Jim: What is? Dwight: Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long they're going to get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing. Michael: Everyone. Guys. Circle up, please. Come on over. Bring your chairs. Toby, come on over. You're a guy... too... sort of. Let's do this! Michael: [in the background] Well, first of all, I, uh, just want to warm up a little bit. Let's just clap. Michael: Let's just clap. Ready? [clapping] Yeah! Yeah! Dwight: Yeah! Michael: That's what I'm talking about! Jan: I don't know what you're doing here, Michael, Michael: Just having a little 'guys in the workplace' thing. Jan: ... but it's very destructive. Michael: Why can't boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable? Jan: Can you please do this somewhere else, Michael? Michael: We have nowhere else Jan. This... Dwight: We could do it in the warehouse. Jan: Dwight, excellent idea. Go to the warehouse. Michael: OK, OK, Fine. Yeah, actually, perfect. Perfect. You know what? There's another side to this place, gentleman. And I know we all love our cushy jobs and our fun, exciting office. But do you realize that underneath us, there's another world. The warehouse world. A world that is teeming with sweat and dirt and life. Life. The bowels of the office. These guys are down there, they are real men doing real man's work. We are going to learn how a warehouse works. Michael: Oh, I think it's going to work out great. Because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job. And I haven't been there in months. Dwight: Remember on Lost when they met the Others? Jan: I'm so sorry about that... um... so where were we? Pam, are you okay taking notes then? Pam: Mmmhmm. Jan: Please? Thank you. very much. Michael: So let's meet the warehouse! Let's get some shots. Pan around there. This is Darryl, one of our warehouse staff. Darryl, what is your biggest fear? Darryl: My biggest fear is that someone will distract us from getting all the shipments out on time. Michael: You know, Darryl is actually the Foreman here and not Roy, which is cool. There's Roy riding the big rig. So Roy is actually going to be marrying Pam sometime this summer. And... uh, she's our receptionist. Sort of a Brangelina thing. Roy: Why? Michael: Brangelina is the Brad Pitt and Angelina... Roy... Roy: I don't understand. Michael: Roy and Pam. It's a Ram. It's a Ram thing. Kevin: [talking to Jim] I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up. Jim: Thanks for the head's up, Kev. Kevin: I've got your back if he does. But try to stay out of it. Michael: [points at math equasion on chalkboard] Uhhuhhuh. Just in case there's someone down here who shouldn't be. A little 'Good Will Hunting' situation. All right. Troops. This is an important day. Big day. Now you may look around and see two groups here. White collar. Blue collar. But I don't see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind. Jan: Why don't we go around the table and all say something that we know we're good at. I will start. I am good at public speaking. Meredith: Hi. I'm Meredith and I'm an alch... good at supplier relations. Jan: Great. Phyllis? Phyllis: I'm good at computer stuff, emails, spreadsheets, all that. Angela: [disbelieving] Really? Phyllis: I don't know. I thought that I wasn't going to be asked that... Jan: No. Okay. Stop. Go on... Angela: I've seen some of your spreadsheets. Phyllis: Really? I thought they were pretty... Pam: I don't know how I fit in with these women. Here. Or with Jan. Um... I mean we get along great. Fine. Um... I guess the person I have the most in common with is... Roy: Jim... Halpert. Hey uh, I, uh, you know heard there's a rumor going around about you used to have a crush on Pam. Jim: Oh, no, no. No. Roy: No, it's cool, because I know you're a good guy. And I know that that crush ended a long time ago, so... you know. We're cool, right? Jim: Yeah. Nope. Yeah. Definitely. Roy: You know, it's great with me cause that way, glad she has a friend at work she can get through the day with. She's not all bap bap bap bap when she gets home. Jim: Yeah. I like talking to her too. Roy: So, we're cool, right? Jim: Yes. Yeah. Roy: All right. Jim: Yep. Cool, man. Roy: Sweet. Kevin: [blows a sigh of relief] Darryl: Hey, Mike, look. How bout we go upstairs, too. You know learn how the office works. We can all switch places today. Michael: Oh... well... okay... yeah, you know what? I don't think... You.. You're... My job sucks compared to this. I don't think you'd like it up there. Darryl: The experience... Michael: Guys! Want to start unloading the truck? Dwight: Okay. Let's go. Step up. Michael: Check this out! Look at that! Look at that [squeezes blow-up doll] bwup-bwa! [talks in girly voice] Hello! How are... [regular voice] Oh! Kay. That is great. That is good stuff. Meredith: In five years, I'd like to be... five years sober. Jan: That is an excellent goal. Meredith: Four and a half. Kelly: I'll tell you one thing. I am not going to be one of those women schlepping her kids around in a minivan. Jan: Great! Uh-huh? Kelly: I want an SUV... with three rows of seats. Women: [general murmuring of agreement] Jan: Well, I'll be honest. One of the goals of these women seminars is to feel out if there's any standouts. Women who could be a valuable addition to our Corporate life. Dwight: Michael wants us to bond so we need topics for conversation. Jim: Ponies. Dwight: No. Ryan: How about rainbows? Dwight: No. Jim: Flowers. Darryl: It's dangerous, Michael. Come on, get off this. Michael: Hey, you're going to, going to hurt yourself. Darryl: Mike. Michael: Stand clear. Darryl: Mike. Get off of the lift. Please. Come on now. Michael: I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine. Darryl: Look, would ya... look. Michael: Oh, oh, oh! We'll get somebody to clean that up. Darryl: We're the ones that got to clean that up! Lonny: Dammit, Michael! Michael: We ought to have this thing serviced. Michael: So! Guy's gripe session. Here we are. Now, we definitely live in different worlds but we have a lot in common. We even like the same girls, some of us. That's going to happen, you know. We're guys, so... Madge: Hey, do you want me to go? Michael: No, why? Why would I... ? You could... Madge: I'll go. Michael: Stay or... Phyllis: ...and a big walk-in closet. Meredith: Oh, that's part of my dream too. Kelly: Oh, me too. Jan: Great, great. And Pam, what about you? What is your dream? Pam: Well... I always dreamed of a house with a terrace upstairs. Plant flowers on it... stuff like that. Since I was a girl. Um... More seriously though, a husband that I love... Roy. And I love to draw. And I... I did a little in college and I'd still love to do something where I could work with art or graphic design in some way. Phyllis: She's real good. Pam: Thanks. Jan: You know the company is offering a design training program in New York. Pam: Well... I have a job right now, so I can't really take time off... Jan: Well, it's only on weekends and then a few weeks in New York, but I'm sure that I could ask Corporate to help you out. Pam: Well... it's just that the weekends aren't good because, um... Jan: There are always a million reasons not to do something. Michael: Let's start with the Warehouse. What bothers you as guys, you know? Darryl: My priority is safety. Michael: OK. Darryl: So it really bothers me when somebody comes in here speeding around on a lift, playing with it like a toy. It kind of gets under my skin. Michael: OK, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah shhh... Darryl: Uh uh uh. Don't shush me. Michael: I... That was just... Darryl: That bothers me too. Michael: I was breathing. Roy: Pam shushes me. It drives me crazy. Michael: I hate shushing. You know, that's the thing! What the... ok... what is our beef as human men. Lonny: You know that's a good question, Hasselhoff. What bugs us? Michael: OK. Alright. Good. Guys ragging on each other. That's what guys do... and we love it. Jan: All right. Let's talk about clothing. Phyllis: I'm excited about today. [whispers] I love girl talk. Jan: Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. All right. You can use your clothing to send a message about your ambitions by wearing clothes that reflect what you aspire to be. Angela: I'm not gaining anything from this seminar. I'm a professional woman. The head of accounting. I'm in the healthiest relationship of my life. I just think it's insulting that Jan thinks we need this. And, apparently, judging from her outfit, Jan aspires to be a whore. Roy: I hate it when girls insist on taking them out to new restaurants every weekend night and then they're like 'When are we going to go on a date-date?' Guy: I hate that too! [general clapping and agreement] Darryl: I hate that too. Kevin: That sucks so much. Guy: It totally sucks. Dwight: Yeah and then they make you drive them to Church the next morning. Like 'Gas ain't free!' Lonny: Yeah, on our salaries, man, what do they expect? You know to take us out every weekend? You know what I mean? We're not millionaires. Michael: I feel you. Darryl: No, you don't. You don't feel us. How can you? You know what? Dwight: Not literally. Darryl: You say we're the same, but we get compensated very differently. Michael: Yes. Darryl: We work the same hours as you and you just said we work a lot harder Michael: Ah, you do. So... Darryl: But we get paid a lot less. Dwight: Word. Roy: Like next to no benefits. Michael: I know. God! What is that? Roy: Exactly. Michael: It blows. It blows, man. Gah... Darryl: You know this would not happen if we had a union. Roy: That's what I'm talking about. Michael: No. Whoa, whoa. Yeah. Roy: Absolutely. Darryl: That's what we need. Guy: You know you're right. Darryl: Man, see... That's what I've been sayin', man. We need to do this finally. Michael: You know what? Is that necessary? Because you already sorta have a union... of guys. Darryl: It's more than necessary, Mike. We need this. Roy? You still have that card from the Dockworker's Union? Roy: In my truck. Michael: Dockworker's? Darryl: Man, hook you up. Men: [generalized clapping] Guy: Come on, man. Michael: Yeah. You know what? I think the problem is the chicks. Darryl: Union! Union, yeah. Michael: The problem is the chicks. And you gotta blame them. Darryl: Are you with us Mike? Michael: Yeah-es. Darryl: Welcome to the warehouse. Group chant: Michael, Michael, Michael, Mi... Jan: Another issue is inequality of pay between men and women. I'm sure that all of you have felt that before... Michael: [knocks] This is important. Ladies, take a breather. Jan, I uh wanna... Can I help you? Um... I wanted to say that the guys downstairs are thinking about forming a union. And they have some good points... Jan: What? A union! What... Michael: Don't get hysterical. Jan: I'm not... Michael: Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women. Michael: Let's... be... rational... here. What are the pros? What are the cons? Jan: The cons are that everyone will lose their job. Michael. Everyone. Office, Warehouse. What do you think... the... pros... are... here? Michael: Don't talk to me that way please. Just... they're going to want to hear this from you. Jan: You got yourself into this Michael, so you get yourself out. Michael: But we're bonding down there! Jan: That's too bad. Michael: I mean I just don't want to have to tell them something they're not going to want to hear. Jan: I don't want to... Michael: Ok. Come on Jan. After all we've been through... Jan: Michael! Michael! Michael! Michael: We have a history... Jan: Michael. Michael: ...between us. Jan: Don't say another word. Michael: I won't Jan: Get yourself down stairs. Michael: I'm just saying we have something... Ok. Whatever. Ryan: You know what... we could get this done a lot quicker if we formed a type of assembly line. Stanley: This here is a run-out-the-clock situation. Just like upstairs. Jan: Sports metaphors are one of the ways women feel left out of the language of the office. Now, I know this might sound silly but a ... many women ask to go over it. So... Fumble means... Phyllis: Mistake. Meredith: Slip. Jan: Right. Par for the course is a golf term. It means right on track. Below par means worse. Wait... that should mean better, that doesn't make sense. Kelly: What about second base? Like if Michael said that he got to second base with you? Does that mean you like closed a deal? Jan: Excuse me? Kelly: I mean that's a baseball term, right? Jan: I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know. Kelly: [in the background] ...and you went to Chili's and he got to second base with you. Jan: [in the background] Kelly, I don't know what Michael's talking about. Kelly: [in the background] He told everybody so I just want to know is that a baseball term... Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey! Pam: How's it going down there? Jim: It's a complete... well, actually it's exactly what you'd expect, so... How are the girls? Pam: Good. We watched a video about our changing bodies. Jim: Did you really? Pam: No. [laughs] Jim: Oh. Pam: Almost. Jim: Good. Pam: Um... but hey? Something kind of cool. There's this internship in graphic design that Jan was telling us about. She made it sound, like, really great. Jim: Nice. Well, what's it all about? Pam: Um... Jim: I think you should do it. That's great! Pam: It's really cool. Michael: Cold front coming into the Warehouse. Uh oh! Better put on your ski boots! Woohoohoowoo. Waaaah! Happy New Year, Darryl! Hey,Darryl. You ever done this? Angela: Are you married? Jan: I'm divorced. Phyllis: That must have been hard. Jan: It was. Yes. Kelly: You were probably feeling really depressed and sad and that's why you did that thing with Michael. Jan: I think you should all spend a little more time thinking about your careers and less time on personal stuff. Phyllis: Mmmm, I think we're all okay with the balance we've struck. Angela: At least you don't have kids. You have no kids, right? Thank God. Jan: Okay. Let's take five. I think we can all use five. Kelly: How can someone so beautiful be so sad? Michael: Hi. Jan: Did you take care of the situation? Michael: Yuh, yuh, yes! I... I have essentially... Jan: Excuse me. Michael: I have essentially. Yes. I've taken some... Jan: Excuse me. I've been told there's been some interest in forming a Union and that Michael supported it. Obviously he's not a friend of yours because he didn't tell you the facts. So let me. If there is even a whiff of unionizing in this branch, I can guarantee you the branch will be shut down like that [snaps her fingers]. They unionized in Pittsfield and we all know what happened in Pittsfield. It will cost each of you a fortune in legal fees and union dues and that will be nothing compared to the cost of losing your jobs. So I would think long and hard before sacrificing your savings and your futures just to send a message. If you have any further questions you can direct them to... to Michael. Pam: Dreams are just that. They're dreams. They help get you through the day. Like the thing about the terrace. It's nice but... um... I don't know. It was just something I read in this book when I was twelve. The girl in the book has a terrace outside of her bedroom and she planted flowers on it and I just loved that. Just always kind of stuck with me. Jim: So you're not doing it. Pam: How did you know? Jim: Why not? Pam: Just like no big reason. Just a bunch of little reasons. Jim: Come on. Pam: Roy's right. There's no guarantee it's going to lead to anything anyway. Jim: Roy said that. Pam: What? You have something you want to say? Jim: You got to take a chance on something sometime, Pam. I mean, do you want to be a receptionist here, always? Pam: Oh, excuse me! I'm fine with my choices! Jim: You are? Pam: Yeah. Pam: It's impractical. I'm not going to try to get a house like that. Um... they don't even make houses like that in Scranton. So, I'm never going to... . Michael: I'm just going to put this over there. Darryl: This is not a good idea right here. Michael: You did uh... okay. Michael: Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza? Michael: Hey. Um... look guys, I'm sorry. Sometimes Jan can be such a bitch. All the Men: Generalized mumbling agreement. Yeah. Michael: Hey, watch it, watch it. We have a relationship. Michael: Thank you to our hosts. Darryl: Hey Michael. This ain't over. Michael: Ahhh! Excellent. Michael: Is it good to be back. Yeah. I mean I love the guy stuff but to run an office you need men and women. You know why? Because you need to have that crazy sexual tension to keep things interesting. Pam: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Uh... hold, please. Michael: Oh! I don't know, Pam. I paid $400 for this phone because I liked the ring. Pam: You did? Michael: And now, I realize that you can program or download any ring you want. So, I'm a little overwhelmed. Pam: Yeah. Michael: There's a lot of choices. You got to help me here. Pam: Okay. Michael: Which one of these is coolest? What do you think? [classical piano playing] [violin playing] Pam: How about that one? Michael: No, no. [blues piano playing] Jim: Oh, that one was good. Michael: Dude, are you kidding me? No. That one says, 'I am so lame.' Know which one I want? There's one that sounds like a jackhammer. Just really grabs your attention. It's like... [imitating jackhammer] You know what I'm talking about? Jim: Do you mean vibrate? Michael: Yes. Roy: Bushmaster's hard to beat for long distance. It's a great point. Dwight: Yeah. I got a spudgun in my car. Roy: Really? Dwight: Yeah. Shoot a chuck of potato at your face, 80 PSI, bon appetit! Michael: What are you guys talking about? Dwight and Roy: [at the same time] Guns. Michael: Cool. Roy: How's that union stuff coming? Michael: Working on it. Roy: Yeah. Michael: Yup. Roy: Okay. Michael: All right. Dwight: Guys! Check it out! Spudgun! Woohoo! Bon appetit! [Darryl's office window shatters] Sorry. Darryl: That's my office. Dwight: There was this film that I saw when I was little. It was about a kid who goes on the most incredible adventure. And even though it was really great, and she had a great time, she ends up back home in Kansas and says, 'There's no place like home.' And that's how I feel right now. There is no place like home. What the hell was that movie called? [sighs] It's gonna drive me crazy.

Pam: I really like Valentine's Day in this office. It's kinda like grade school. Everybody gives out little presents and stuff. Like last year, Jim gave me this card, with Dwight's head on it, it was horrifying and funny and... Pam: [Delivery man enters with a bouquet of red roses. Pam stands up to look at card.] Phyllis. Delivery man: Would you sign here? [Phyllis gets up from desk and walks over.] Pam: Roy and I are saving for the wedding, so I made him promise not to get me anything too big. Meredith: Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.' Phyllis: Isn't he sweet? Meredith: Yeah. Wow. Michael: Alright Dwight, as you know I am heading to New York today. [Dwight holds up passport.] Doing a presentation on the branch to the new CFO. Dwight: And you want me to come with you. Michael: Nope. The opposite of that. Dwight: I will stay here and run things on this end. Michael: Ok, good. Dwight: Question. Will you be seeing Jan when you're in New York? Michael: I probably will, why do you ask? Dwight: Well... It's Valentine's Day, and you guys, you know... Michael: Yeah. Dwight: Screwed. Michael: What Michael: This is a business trip. I would have to be a raving lunatic to try to talk to Jan about what happened between us. Her words, not mine. She sent me an email this morning. But, it is Valentine's Day. It's New York. City of Love. Michael: Hey, Pam. You heart N.Y., right? You want me to pick you up anything? Pam: That's OK. Michael: Alright. Oscar: The best present would be, you do a good job in front of the new CFO. Michael: Dude, I'm gonna nail it. Me in New York? Oh, I own that city. Fuggedaboudit! See ya! Michael: Well here we go. On our way to New York. New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name. Jim: So I broke up with Katy and haven't been dating anybody else, so this year I don't have to worry about Valentine's Day. It's gonna be good. I invited a couple of friends over. We're gonna play some cards and I'll end up winning a lotta money. Because, they're idiots. It's gonna be great. Dwight: What's this? What is this? Jim: I dunno, it's on Dwight: Yeah, but who put it here? And for what purpose? Jim: It was there when I sat down. Dwight: [opens box and reads card] Happy Valentine's Day. [pulls out bobble head] It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes! [Angela smirks in background] Ahh! Michael: The meeting isn't 'til three, but I always like to come to New York little bit early and hit some of my favorite hunts, like right here, is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I'm gonna go get me a New York slice. [Michael walks toward Sbarro.] Jim: Hey Kelly. What's up? Kelly: Nothing. Oh except, oh my God Jim. Last night, Ryan and I totally, finally hooked up. It was awesome. Jim: OH, that's great. I'm really happy for [starts to walk away] Kelly: And it was so funny 'cause we were at this bar with his friends and I was sitting next to him the whole night and he wasn't making a move, so in my head I was like 'Ryan, what's taking you so long?' And then he kissed me. And I didn't know what to say. Jim: Wow. Kelly: So I said, 'Ryan, what took you so long?' And I just said that to him, can you believe that? Jim: Wow. Kelly: Oh my God, Jim, is that embarrassing? I'm embarrassed. Jim: No, don't be. Kelly: Oh, thank God, because I was nervous, Jim, you will not believe. Jim: I bet. Kelly: So nervous, but now - now I have a boyfriend. Jim: Alright. [Kelly squeals] Ryan: [anguished] I hooked up with her on February 13th. Michael: Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it. Most people when they come to New York, they go straight to the Empire State Building, that's pretty touristy. I come here. Great places to eat. [points] We have Bubba Gump Shrimp, Red Lobster down there. Ya know. This is, this is the heart of civilization, right here. Kevin: Woah. [Delivery man with flowers] Pam: Guess what? Phyllis: Really, Oh, they're from Bob again. Pam: That's great. [Meredith scowls] Michael: Everybody takes the subway in New York. It's fast, it's efficient, gets you there on time. It's a way to [turns and rushes back up stairs] Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there. Michael: This is the world famous Rockefeller Center. Founded, of course by Theodore Rockefeller. This is a skating rink and I think the Rangers practice there sometimes and it's, that's Tina Fey [points]. That's Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live. Hello? Hello, hi? [walks over] OH, I'm sorry, I thought you were [Conan O'Brien walks in front of Michael], OK, I thought that was. She, she looked a lot like Tina Fey. [to camera] Hello, hello, I thought that was Tina Fey, but it wasn't. So... Are you serious? He was here? When, when I was talking to the fake Tina Fey? Come on! And are you, argh. Dwight: Hello Angela. Did you hear, somebody rocked the house and got me the best present I've ever gotten. Angela: Really? I wouldn't know anything about that, but I'm glad you enjoyed it. Dwight: Oh I did. I did. Angela: I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day. Dwight: Oh, I bet you will before the day is over. Angela: Really? Well, I hope I do. Michael: I would love to live in New York someday. It's a big dream of mine. Work for corporate, with Jan. It'd be awesome. Go to Broadway shows, eat hot dogs. Scranton is great, but New York, is like Scranton on acid, no on speed, no on steroids. [Michael sees it's the end of a street.] OK, umm, I think, that's either the Hudson or the East, so we're back, should be back this way. There's a lotta pressure on me right now. It's like Michael Jordan, in the NBA finals. Or, like Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf, and this presentation is desert storm and as soon as it's over, we will not have to deal with those Iraqis anymore. Let's do it. Jim: [on phone] Nah that's alright. Spend money on her, instead of giving it to us. That's fine. No, I didn't even have a seat for you anyway. Yeah, hahaha, alright man, have a good night. Bye. Kevin: Woah, woah [Delivery man with oversized bear] Delivery man: Phyllis Lapin. Pam: OH, Holy God! Delivery man: It's from Bob. Kevin: Man, that thing's bigger than I am. Delivery man: No, it's not. Kevin: Oh zip it. Michael: There they are. What's up? Hey hey. Craig: Hey. Josh: Michael Scott. [sticks out hand for handshake] Michael: Josh Porter, high five. [They high five] Bam. Josh: You know Dan Gore from Buffalo. Michael: Yeah, how ya doing? Nobody needs to introduce this guy. Craiggers. [bump fists] Craig: What's up buddy? Michael: You have been kicked out of every strip club in Albany, is that true? Craig: Guilty, yeah. Michael: So what's going on? What I miss? Josh: Not much, they're uh, I guess running late upstairs, so we're just waiting for the presentations. Michael: Cool. Good, good, good. Give us some time to catch up, and... [awkward silence] Dwight: Pam. Hi, How ya doing? Good. Listen, uh may I speak with you... privately? Pam: You can't fire me, Dwight, just 'cause Michael's not here. Dwight: No, Pam, Just. Just, [tilts head away, towards another room] Pam: You need to get something for your girlfriend. Dwight: [same time as Pam] Girlfriend. Yes, and the reason I didn't get anything for this particular person - who shall remain nameless - is that she's not really the kind of person you'd think would be into Valentine's Day. She's kind of... Pam: Tightly wound? Dwight: (smirking) Exactly. Pam: Ok, well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like what it means, instead of what it is. Dwight: You mean, like a ham? Pam: No, not like a ham. It's about doing something, so that the person knows that you really care about her. Dwight: Ok, I get it. Pam: That you remember her. Dwight: Ok, shut up. I know exactly what to do. [gets up and leaves] Josh: What about you, Craig, you lose anyone? Craig: Oh man, Jan, called me in September and said 'You gotta fire four people,' and I was just like, 'What?' Ya know? Josh: Did you? Craig: No, I just ignored her. She's the worse. Josh: She is our boss. Craig: She ain't my boss dude. I don't work for that bitch. Michael: Ay, Kay. Come on, you know, that's not. Cool it. Craig: What? You like Jan? How can you Michael: Maybe because she's my girlfriend. [starts retracting statement] Was, or not my girlfriend. She's... we hooked up and... Josh: You hooked up with Jan? Michael: You know, months ago, just once, It's, just stupid. Just forget it, Josh: Yeah, let's change the subject. Michael: Yeah, yeah. Kelly: I don't know what he's thinking, but I would just be so psyched if we just dated forever. Jim: Take it slow. 'Cause it seems like a lot of the time things like that need... [Ryan walks in] Ryan: Soda. Kelly: [to Ryan] Cool. Hey, so... do you want to... do something tonight? Or... Jim: [under breath] Oh, no, not while I'm here. Kelly: I mean, I know it's Valentine's Day, or whatever, but there's totally no pressure at all, of any kind. What so ever. So... Ryan: I can't tonight. I have plans with my friends. Kelly: OK, That's cool. I completely understand. Ryan: Cool. Cool. OK. Jan: Josh Porter, Stamford. David: David [to Josh and shakes hands] Josh: Nice to meet you. Jan: And Michael Scott, Scranton. David: Nice to meet you. Michael: Ditto. [to Jan] How are you Jan? Jan: Fine Michael. Thank you. David: OK. So we are in the process of doing a complete review of the company's financial strengths. All I'd like to do today is to... Jan: Nervous, no I'm not nervous. Well, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Umm, the new CFO is judging me on this too, and well, it is Michael, so. Yeah, I'm very nervous. Josh: So with the twelve new local accounts, we had a total of four percent organic growth, which was just above our pre-year targets. David: Thanks very much. Josh: Thank you. David: OK, Michael. Michael: What is a business? Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports? Sure. But as you know, David and Jan, it is much more. [plays video on screen. David and Jan have confused looks on their faces.] Michael: [video dialogue for 'The Faces of Scranton'] Life moves a little slower in Scranton, Pennsylvania. And that's the way we like it. Because at Dunder Mifflin Scranton, we're not just in the paper business, we're in the people business. Let's meet some of the folks that make the Scranton branch so special. [video shows Stanley at desk] This is Stanley Hudson, one of our talented salesman. An African-American father of two, Stanley's dedication is no doubt one of the hallmark's of the foundation of the business we're hoping to build our bases on. Michael: Yeah, I shot a bunch of footage around the office, edited it together on my Mac. I was thinking of entering it into some festivals. Probably won't. You know, not what this is about. Michael: [video dialogue] And finally, Pam Beesly. Look at her. Look how cute. Not bad at all. As the receptionist, Pam is truly the gateway to our world. Well, I hope this gave you a little taste of what life is like here at Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. What it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes. Or try on Phyllis' pants. Maybe even one of Angela's famous brownies. And you'll know, that you're home. [video says, 'Great Scott!'] Michael: Questions? David: Wow. OK, OK, thank you Michael, that was great. Michael: Yes, thank you. David: But, for right now what, I would really like to know about is the branch's performance, so do you have that information as well? Michael: Yes, absolutely David. Get that for you. I umm... [hands over report] Delivery man: [with flowers] Can you sign? Pam: Yeah. Pam: [delivering plant to Oscar's desk] Oscar. Angela: Nothing for me? Pam: [walks away] Join the club. Kevin: Whose it from? [to Oscar] Oscar: My mom. [puts card in pocket] Kelly: It's frustrating, because we'd be so perfect together. Jim: You know what? Here's the deal, Kelly. It would be really nice if he was in to you, right? It'd be great, but he isn't. Kelly: Yeah, it would be so great if he was. Jim: Well, he's not, though. So you just gotta suck it up. You just gotta move on. Try to have some fun. Come to my poker game tonight. Kelly: Okay, cool. Is it okay if I invite Ryan? [Jim leaves] Dan: And that about does it, thank you. Jan: OK. [looks toward Craig] Craig, Craig: Yeah. Here's the deal. I did not understand this was supposed to be a full on... like report or whatnot. Jan: Um, I'm sorry, what did you think financial presentation meant? Craig: I was under the impression this was, more of like... a meet and greet type deal. David: So, does that mean you don't have the numbers on your branch? Craig: That is correct, yes. Jan: Craig, you realize that we're trying to decide whether if drastic steps need to be taken? Craig: Look, I'm sorry, I didn't know. Jan: Well, the point is, is that doesn't exactly bode well for your branch. Craig: Oh man, you know what? Michael made that stupid movie, he doesn't get into any trouble? Maybe I should have slept with you, too. [David looks at Jan, who glares at Michael.] Michael: Oh, ok. Alright. Jan: NO, NO I'm not, I'm not, I just... I just don't know what to do anymore, Michael. I mean, we're all gonna get fired. Michael: No you're not. Jan: Yeah, Michael - the CFO thinks that we slept together. Do you understand, people get fired for much less? And I just [scratches head] can't believe that you told everybody and we didn't even sleep together. Michael: Technically, we fell asleep in the same bed. So... Jan: Oh, God. Michael. It was months ago. It was once, It's over. Do you understand? Michael: Yes. I'm sorry. I will fix this. I'll talk to him. I'll talk to David. Jan: Surely, you cannot be serious? Michael: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. Airplane. Dwight: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving. Roy: Hey babe. Pam: Hey. Roy: You almost ready to go? Pam: I guess, yeah. Roy: What's wrong? Pam: Nothing, it's just I had to sit here all day, while Phyllis got like an entire garden delivered to her. Roy: What, you're mad at me? Pam: I mean, I know that we said no big gifts, but I was kind of hoping you'd get me Roy: Well, Valentine's Day isn't over. Let's get you home and you are gonna get the best sex of you life. David: You understand this is a very serious situation. Michael: No no no no no, yes I, OK, well, alright, here's the deal. It's my fault. This is, this is totally on me. Before you guys came in, I was talking to the guys. We were all chatting and I made a joke, a really dumb joke and Craig the idiot took it seriously. [Jan looks at Michael] David: You made a joke? Michael: I did, it was stupid. And Craig, you saw him, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Although he is a tool. [David grins] David: Well I don't need to explain to you that even a joke about sexual relations with your boss... Michael: I know. It was borderline at best and... And Jan is a fantastic executive and has all the integrity in the world and um, I'm really sorry. It will never happen again. Jan: Uh, that's fine. Let's just forget it. David: Good. [Michael leaves office] Pam: Heading out? Jim: Yeah. Alright, Beesly, Hey, Happy Valentine's Day. Pam: Bye. [Jim leaves] Phyllis: Goodnight Pam. [Leaves with oversized bear on back.] Pam: Night Phyllis. Jan: Oh, Michael. Thank you again for that, really. It was very nice. Michael: Oh, no big deal. Really. Sorry again. Jan: Oh, no, it's OK. [Puts hand in way of elevator door to stop from closing.] So, uh, Happy valentine's Day. Michael: Yeah, Happy Valentine's Day. [Jan turns and then kisses Michael. Michael looks and sees camera, Jan turns and sees camera, too. Elevator door closes.] Jan: Oh. Michael: Oy vey... schmear. [Points at Fiddler on the Roof playing at Minskoff Theatre and does a dance.] Michael: Everybody, hello, can I have your attention, please? Since it's Valentine's Day, there's something that I wanted to say. I love the women of this office. Pam, I love you. Pam: Michael's got a few tricks for Valentine's Day. He found a place where you can get 12 plastic roses for $10 and he's got a great line. 'Me so thorny.' Michael: I love you, Angela. Yes, even you. I love you, Kelly. I love you, Meredith. This is all platonically, of course. Michael: I love ladies, always have. And you know what I think is the most attractive part of a woman's body? The brains. Because I don't think a woman is beautiful unless she is smart. And also, the brains are where the ladies get their best nasty ideas for bedroom stuff. Pam: You have any big Valentine's Day plans, Kev? Kevin: Not really, my fiance is out of town. Pam: Where is she? Kevin: I'm not sure. Arizona? Sometimes she doesn't tell me. Pam: Cool. Michael: That's a lot of noodles. How much sodium do you think is in that cup? This place used to be full of hookers and porn shops and it's not that way anymore. There's an old building. That one hasn't been torn down yet, but they will. They'll get to it. Oscar: Happy Valentine's Day, Meredith. Meredith: Thanks. Creed: Okay, you take it easy, ace. Oscar: Here you go, Creed. Creed: Hey, thanks, ace. Creed: I'm not good with names. Michael: This is where it's all happening. We got TGI Fridays. I'm in the picture! Sometimes I just jump into people's pictures. Lot of people have their picture taken. It's kind of a New Yorker thing. You jump in on a tourist's picture and kind of ruin it. There's an energy to New York that you just feel. Um, everybody... Don't get hit. Everybody is kind of together and everybody hates each other, but loves each other at the same time. Screw off! People just yell at each other in New York, and it's great. Phyllis: I'm gonna go call Bob. Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: So, what are you doing for Valentine's Day? Pam: I'm gonna spend it with my fiance. Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Okay. Pam: What are you guys doing? Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Probably go grab dinner with my girlfriend. He's gonna be pulling his pud watching Skinemax. [points to Vance Refrigeration Worker #2] Pam: Nice. Dwight: Okay, okay. That's enough. Phyllis: Hey. Dwight: Come on, break this up. Receptionist: Yes, sure. Mr. Scott, you can head to the conference room. The other managers are already there. Michael: Great. Thank you. Receptionist: All right. Michael: Okay, here's the thing about Jan. She talks such a big game about, 'Oh there's nothing between us and stop talking about it.' And 'Border-line harassment when you call me at home.' But let me ask you this, is it just a coincidence that this meeting is taking place on Valentine's Day? Answer, maybe, but maybe not. We shall see. Dwight: How do you spell 'animalian'? Jim: Animalian? Dwight: Yes. Jim: Why? Dwight: None of your business. I'm writing something. Jim: You're writing something? Dwight: Forget it. I'll look it up myself. Jim: Okay. Dwight: No, you know what? You do it. Jim: No, I'm not gonna do that. Dwight: Uh, yes, I'm in charge. You have to. Look it up. Jim: But I know how to spell it. Dwight: So tell me. Jim: Only if you tell me what you're writing. Dwight: Forget it. I'll do it. But you're getting written up. Jim: So now you're writing two things? Jim: Dwight lives on a beet farm and he practices karate at the forth grade level. And he apparently has a girlfriend, so... I guess there really is someone for everybody. Kevin: [phone ringing] Hi, this is Kevin. Stacy? Happy Valentine's Day. Yeah. Oh, awesome. Okay. Yeah, I'll be leaving here soon. Cool. I love you, too. Okay, 'bye. Stacy's back. Oscar: That's great, man. Devon: Hey Scott. Hey. Hey! Hey! Come here! Come here! I want to talk to you. Come here! Michael: You know what? It was nice to see Devon again. To sort of get closure on that whole thing.

Michael: Let's think this through. If we ask Corporate for that then... Dwight: They are either going to say yes... or no. Michael: Could go either way. We don't know what they are going to say. Dwight: Think it through. Michael: Have to think it through. Because if they say no... Jim: Can we not? Michael: No! Yes, we have to! You know why? Because I don't like to be cooped up in that office! In that box! All day long. [Michael starts playing with a football in the office] Heisman! Because I need to think. Okay, Jim? Oh, Kevin, oh! [laughs] Nice catch. Mmmm, mmm, mmm,mmm. Os-car! Intercepted. Jim: Still want that. Michael: Give it to me. Phyllis, give me the ball. Ok, give me the ball. Give me, you guys... Creed give me the ball! Right now give it to me. Creed: Ryan! Dwight: Fumble! Yaaah! Michael: Hey, Dwight. Dwight: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike! Michael: You all right Ryan? Dwight: Ryan. Ryan: Yeah. Michael: Pam! Dwight: Ooh. They're having a sale on TiVo. Maybe I should get a TiVo. Oh. DVD Burner! Maybe I should get one of those. You are so lucky, Jim. You are so lucky you don't have this problem. What was the 9th place prize again? A loaf of bread? Jim: Cugino's pizza. Dwight: Oh, great. Tasty, terrific pizza. Hmm. Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs? Jim: Dwight was the top salesman of the year at our company. He wins a little prize money and gets honored at some convention. It is literally the highest possible honor that a Northeastern Pennsylvania-Based Mid-size Paper Company Regional Salesman can attain, so... Jim: What did I do to deserve this? Pam: Are you sad that Dwight beat you? Jim: No. Pam: Are you going to cry, Jim? Do you need a tissue? Phyllis: Hey, I heard you got a wedding dress. Do you have pictures? Pam: Oh! I... uh... yeah. Um... I'll uh show them to you later. Phyllis: Oh. Jim: Oh, I should get back. Talk to you guys later. Pam: Ok, cool. Pam: I have a ton of stuff to do for the wedding. And I have to do it in the office. And that can be kind of awkward. Um... just because people can get all weird about wedding stuff. Then... I just... I don't want to offend... Angela... or someone. Michael: That's what she said! Dwight: Ha! I don't get it. Michael: Grapes. Seductive. So you ready for the big speech this afternoon? Dwight: Well, it's not really a big speech. You still coming right? Michael: Oh! Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time. Um... And yes, it is a big speech. Biggest of your life. Michael: Speaker at the Sales Convention. Been there, done that. Went there again, did it again. Two years in a row. Consecutive. I just... I miss the feeling of knowing that you did a good job because someone gives you proof of it. Sir, you're awesome! Here's a plaque. What, a whole year has gone by and you need more proof? Here's a certificate. They stopped making plaques that year. Dwight: What if I give a really long, extended Thank You. For instance, 'Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very...' Michael: That would look terrible. These are mostly salesmen and salesmen expect to be entertained and you are the main act. Dwight: When I was in the sixth grade, I was a finalist in our school Spelling Bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'. Dwight: I can't do this. Michael: That's because you're incapable of doing it because you don't know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight, there's no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time. Dwight: Oh, okay. Michael: But I can teach you enough so that you don't embarrass me or the company. Dwight: Okay, deal! I'll do whatever you say. No questions asked. Michael: Well, if you have a question, you should ask me. Dwight: I'll try and think of one. When... Michael: Don't. Don't try and think of a question to humor me. Just... try not to be such an idiot. Dwight: Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice? Michael: Insult. Pam: Mom, I'm sorry. I know you and Dad are chipping in for the wedding but I do not want orange invitations. Yes! Well, if you really want my... Jim: Hi, yeah, can I talk to one of your travel agents? Jim: I'm going to take a trip. I'm going to get out of town for a while... and go someplace... not here. Jim: Where do I want to go? Um... that is an excellent question. And one I should have probably thought about before I called you. Um... Oscar: I get here early every morning so I can set the thermostat. I like it a little cooler, around 66 degrees. I'm more productive. Maybe some people don't like it as cold as I do, but I don't care. Michael: [stand up comic voice] But seriously, what's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman? Dwight: Saleswoman has a vagina. Michael: It's a joke, Dwight. It's not a Sex Ed class. Dwight: But I'm right? Michael: Yeah, you're right about the difference between a man and a woman, but not about the punch line to the joke, right? [stand up comic voice] The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman... is boobs! Dwight: Hey. Do you remember the speeches that you gave? Michael: I do. Both of them. Dwight: Could I have a copy of one of them? Michael: No, no! They would remember them. Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about. Yeah? All right? Here we go. Watch this. Michael: Attention everybody! Attention please! I have some very great news from Corporate. We had a wonderful quarter and as a result all of you are getting bonuses for 1000 dollars! Dwight: Yeah! Michael: [generalized clapping and cheering] Congratulations. Phyllis: Unbelievable. Michael: You see that? You see how they responded to me? In that moment, I had them. Dwight: That is so great about the bonus! Michael: No, no! It's not true. I was just talking so just go out there and say anything. They'll eat it up. They're a great audience. Stanley: Go ahead. Get the wallpaper. Wallpaper the ceiling if you want. Call Terri and tell her she... Phyllis: It's unbelievable! Dwight: Excuse me! May I have your attention please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured. Pam: Do we know anyone who was in the accident? Dwight: Brad Pitt. Also there will be no bonuses. Stanley: Why would this affect our bonuses? Dwight: They are unrelated. Kelly: Is Brad okay? Dwight: He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing. Oscar: What the hell is going on here? Angela: Are we out of jobs? Dwight: Yes. Kelly: This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston. Michael: He's kidding. Dwight was kidding and I don't know why because it wasn't funny... and it was just horrible. Stanley: Michael? Michael: Yeah. Stanley: You said we were getting bonuses. Michael: All right. Everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Let's do it. Stanley: Cancel wallpaper. Michael: As your leader and your friend, I sort of demand that you can all speak in public as I can... and did... twice. [speaking to camera] You saw the plaque, right? [to office] All right. We're all going to go around the room and we're going to make toasts. And that way, we will overcome our fear of public speaking. Pam: You mean Toastmasters? Michael: Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me. Actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast. Pam: Yeah, the bride doesn't really do... Have you ever been to a wedding? Jim: Can I go? Michael: Yes. Good. Jim taking the initiative. Jim: So. Uh... I am going on a trip. But not really sure where I'm going yet. It's kind of open-ended. So I was hoping maybe you guys would have some suggestions? Kevin: You should go to Hedonism. Jim: What is that? Kevin: It's like Club Med, but everything is naked. Jim: I was thinking more like Europe. Or something like that. But, good second choice. Toby: Been to Amsterdam. Michael: Oh ho hokay. You know what? That's not a toast. You're not standing up. Toby: [mimes lifting a glass] To Amsterdam. Jim: When did you go there? Toby: Umm... After my divorce. Yeah. Jim: Really for like how long? Toby: Uh, about a week. Er... .um... .maybe a month. I uh can't... Creed: Jimmy, listen to me. You do not want to go to Amsterdam. Trust me. Jim: Where do I want to go? Creed: I'd send you to Hong Kong. Creed: Like to say 'Hi' to my friends in China. [speaks in Chinese] Michael: Okay, Dwight. Show us what you have learned today. Dwight: Good morning, Vietnam! [general groaning] Okay. You know what? This isn't working. Because um I'm not nervous in front of them. They're my subordinates. Jim: No. We're not. Dwight: Uh, yes you are. I'm Assistant Regional Manager. Jim: Which means absolutely nothing. Dwight: Michael, can you explain? Michael: Well, it's mostly made up. So... Michael: Dwight is not going to do a job. It's sad. And they're expecting excellence because I did do such a good job. Two years in a row. I killed. It was amazing. Michael: Confidence, Dwight. Jim: Dwight. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go? Dwight: I can travel anywhere except Cuba. And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the 'Lord of the Rings' trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mount Doom. So... no... just leave me alone. Jim: Okay. Just trying to get some advice on my trip. Dwight: Oh please! You're not taking any trip. Jim: You know I majored in Public Speaking in College. Dwight: You did? Jim: Mmmhmm. And the first thing they teach you is that you've got to be true to your self. And you are all about authority. Dwight: Yes. I am. Jim: The great speakers throughout history were not joke tellers. They were people of passion. So if you want to do well today, you got to do what they did. Dwight: Which is? Jim: You've got to wave your arms and you've got to pound your fists. Many times. It's supposed to emphasize your point. Jim: Ok, I didn't actually major in Public Speaking. But, I did download speeches from some of history's famous dictators. Like this one [holds up paper]. Originally given by Benito Mussolini. Jim: Ok, look. I know you are giving this speech on your own Dwight: I'll glance at it. Michael: It's time, Dwight. The grim reaper is here. Angela: The very best of luck to you, Dwight. Dwight: Thank you, Angela. Kelly: Why'd you pick the V.A. for the reception? Pam: Roy has a connection. It's nicer than you think. Ryan: You're inviting Jim? Pam: Of course. He's one of my closest friends. Michael: All right. You ready? Here we go! Wow. It's a little bit bigger than I remember. Come on. We're down here. Right. Overhead: [song] You all ready for this? Angela: [coughs] [sniffles] I am just feeling under the weather. And... I think that I will go home and rest. Kevin: I've never, ever seen you take a sick day. Angela: Well, I've seen you take enough for the both of us. Speaker: Next, I'd like to introduce the Dunder Mifflin Salesman of the Year, Dwight Schrute! Crowd: [polite clapping] Michael: Dwight, they called your name. Speaker: Dwight, how we doing? Dwight: No, I can't... I ca... Michael: All right. You know what? Okay. No. No problem. You are lucky you have me here. I'm going to cover for you. [shouts] All right! Crowd: [claps] Michael: Gooood morning, Vietnaaaam! I am not Dwight Schrute. Not at all. I am Michael Scott, his mentor and boss. And until Dwight comes up, if he ever does, I wanted to say a few words about excellence. What makes a work environment excellent? Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such a thing of that nature. And one would be humor. What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman? Kevin: I always set it at 69. [snickers] Pam: Maybe we'll use a DJ. That's the one thing Roy's in charge of for this wedding but all he's managed to do is set a date. Kelly: But he did a great job. June 10th is perfect. I want a June wedding. I've always wanted one. Ryan, do you know when you would want to get married? Ryan: Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married. Kelly: Oh. Pam: Ryan, you should be more sensitive. It's obvious she likes you and comments like that, they just... Ryan: I know what I said. Michael: I'm very sorry. I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid and I just thought you were speaking abnormally. ...And now the black guy from the 'Police Academy' movies. A robot. [makes robot sounds] Michael Winslow, anyone? Michael: Car starting. [makes car sounds] All right, Dwight Schrute everyone. Crowd: [clapping] Michael: Good luck. That is a tough crowd. Dwight: [bangs fists] Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day. [waves arm] how long we have been striving for greatness? [bangs fist] Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime's struggle [waves arms]. A never-ending fight. I say to you [hits podium] and you'll understand that it is a privilege to fight! Crowd: [clapping] Dwight: WE ARE WARRIORS! Crowd: [clapping and cheering] Dwight: Salesman of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour! Crowd: [clapping and cheering] Dwight: [laughs maniacally] Yeah. Yes! Oscar: I've got a time share in Key West that might be available. Jim: Maybe. Thanks. Ryan: You really think you're going to go? Jim: Yeah. I'm definitely going. Ryan: Nice. Send me a postcard. Ryan: Jim has worked at the same place for five years. Jim eats the same ham and cheese sandwich everyday for lunch. I don't know. If I were a betting man, I'd say he will have a fun weekend in Philadelphia. Dwight: No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself. [bangs fists] Crowd: [claps] Dwight: Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty - to change their perception. I say salesmen... and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together, TOGETHER, THAT WE PREVAIL! We must never cede control of the motherland! For it is... Crowd: [shouts] Together that we prevail! [cheering and clapping] Pam: Australia? I have always wanted to go there? Jim: I'm going. I'm a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor. But, other than that... um, yeah, I bought the ticket, non-refundable. Pam: That's awesome. Where are you staying? Jim: I don't know. I feel like I have plenty of time to figure out the details but... Pam: When are you leaving? Jim: I'm... leaving on June 8th. Pam: Oh. Jim: Yeah. And I'm really sorry about that, I just... Pam: Oh yeah. That's too bad. Jim: Yeah. Do you want me to take these on my way out? Pam: It's ok. I got it. Jim: Alright. Dwight: Ok, thanks. [to Michael] There you are. What happened? Michael: I got thirsty. How'd it go? Dwight: It was amazing. I wish you would have been there. Michael: You would not believe what happened here. Dwight: What? Something happened? Michael: Oh! This woman came in, sat down, ordered a drink. The bartender asked for her ID which I thought was odd because I pegged her at like 35. Dwight: Weird. Michael: Yeah, it was weird. So, she was like 'I don't have my ID, please give me one.' And he was like 'I can't do that. I can't serve you.' Dwight: Con artist. Michael: She might have been. So she says 'Fine. I will go to my room. I will get my purse. I will come back. I'll show you my ID.' She hasn't come back yet. She's probably in her room drinking from the mini-bar! Right? Michael: Dwight gave a great speech. That's the word on the street anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar stories. So, I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys? Dwight: My future is so bright, Jim. Jim, do you know how bright my future is? It's so bright that... What? Do you know? Is there something I got to wear? Huh? Jim: Goggles? Dwight: [imitating '80s rock] Dwight: And what a lot of people don't understand about sales is that it has so much to do with organization. I have a system in place for keeping track of who I speak to, when I speak to them and what we have discussed. Etcetera. Michael: That's it? You're going to end with 'etcetera'? Okay, what's this big organizational system that... Dwight: Well, do you think I should describe our filing system? Michael: That would be suicide. Never, never talk specifics. Not in a speech. But the fact that you have no idea what to say is, believe it or not, the least of our worries. Dwight: It is? Michael: It's your delivery... Dwight: What is? Michael: Our biggest worry. Dwight: I don't follow. Michael: My God, Dwight. The best way to learn is by watching. That's why porn is a multi-trillion-dollar industry. Listen. Okay. Sit down, let me wow you. [clears throat] [shouting] Dwight: Oh, God! Michael: See, I have your attention now, don't I? You're scared, but now you're ready to learn. Dwight: Well, that didn't go well. Michael: No, it did not. And that is because at no time did you employ the use of humor. We'll find you a joke that not even you can ruin. Michael: All right, listen up, please. Dwight has a joke. Dwight: [whispering to Angela] Stop it. [to the office] Two sailors walk into a bar... Meredith: Please don't tell a sailor joke. Dwight: Oh, why not? Phyllis: Her nephew's in Iraq. Michael: Iraq is sand. Sailors are on water. Pam: Yes, but they are both in danger. Michael: Yeah, well, you know what? We need to... All right, everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Michael: Who's gonna start. How about Phyllis? You kick us off and then we'll move around. Go ahead. Phyllis: What are we supposed to talk about? Michael: Anything your heart desires. Phyllis: I would like to toast to the good fortune I've been having lately... Michael: [shouting] Louder! Phyllis: I, uh, I met a man and I'm totally in love, and that's a chapter of my life that I thought had closed. Uh, I was terribly depressed for the longest time and I have to admit I had some very dark thoughts... Michael: Good. Good, good, good. That's good. Now see, that's not so hard, right? All right. Who's next? Who are we going to... Ryan. Ryan's next. Ryan: Why am I next? I thought we'd go in order? Michael: Don't be shy, shy boy. Don't be shy. Get up there. Ryan: Well... A lot of you know that I'm in business school. And while I'm learning a lot here, a lot, hopefully soon I'll land a challenging full-time or part-time position somewhere else. Dwight: All right. Stanley: Way to go, Ryan! Michael: Stop! Stop! Stop! That's, you know what? The toast is really not supposed to be about anything. It's certainly not supposed to be about going anywhere or doing anything else, so... Michael: Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death. Ryan: I got the stamps. Pam: The ones that say 'love' on them? Ryan: The ones that say '39 cents.' Pam: Oh. Doesn't matter. Ryan: I didn't think it did. Pam: As soon as they leave, well get Kelly and start. Ryan: Kelly's helping? Pam: Is that okay? Ryan: Yeah, sure. Michael: Ghosts. Lots of ghosts in this old Radisson. There it is, Rosebud Room. Memories. Wow, this turnout is pathetic. I packed the house, you know. Dwight: Oh, no, I don't think this is it. Michael: Numismatic. Numismatic Collectors. Nope, wrong room. Michael: Okay. They got sports medicine seminar, nope. Science fiction convention, nope. Dwight: Oh, yeah, I read about that. The entire cast of Battlestar Galactica is gonna be here, including Starbuck. I'm so in love with her. Michael: You're weird. Dwight: No, no, no. It's totally normal, 'cause she's not a Cylon or anything. She's just a great human fighter pilot. If I see her, my heart will explode. Michael: Are you a 12-year-old girl? I don't know. There we go. Michael: Ah, look at me. I'm huge in Wilkes-Barre. Performing nightly, Michael Scott. Not comedy fans here, which is fine because not having a sense of humor is just as fine as having one. Questions? Comment? Can't see you, but I know that you're not breathing. I know you're breathing. Is this on? Hello? 'Well, isn't that... Well, isn't that special?' 'Jell-O pudding.' Bill Cosby. I think Bill Cosby said it best when he talked about his brother and all of the fun he... All the great things they did together as kids. And there was the one time when he put the snowball in the freezer, and it... And he waited for five months and then he took the snowball out and he threw it... He would have thrown it at the kid but then his mother had thrown out the snowball so he couldn't throw it. So... Bill Cosby is smoking! And now some race car. [imitating race car engine] That brings me to my... Brings me to a point that you should always have a list of your clients. It's important to because a client list is next to godliness... List. [baby crying] Could you shut him up, please? I mean, who brings a baby to a sales conference? Really rude.

Pam: I'm looking forward to 'Take Your Daughter to Work' day. I am not great with kids, but I wanna get better. Because I'm getting married. So, I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel. Jim: Bribery. Nice. Pam: Oh, I have more. [Holds up bags of candy] Michael: Pam. Ms. Beasley if yer nastay! Janet Jackson. Hey! You having a wardrobe malfunction there? Or w- Pam: Oh, Michael. You can't be nasty today. [whispering] 'Cause of the... [points to 'Welcome Daughters!' sign] Michael: ... Oh, God is that today? Pam: I reminded you last night. Michael: Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid's environment. This is like HBO, no limits. Who knows what I'm going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated, it is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in 'Raw,' and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in 'Daddy Daycare.' both great movies, but, still. Michael: Well, I'll be in my office. Pam: Don't you think you should say something? Michael: They're cool. Pam: Michael, I think that as the boss you should really- Michael: Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hi, children. I'm Michael Scott, and... I... am in charge of this place... ahh, what'll make you... understand... I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City. Jim and Dwight: [in unison] That's Batman. Michael: Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys? Jim: The ocean. Michael: [under his breath] I work with a bunch of nerds. Dwight: [looks at Sasha] Mmm... hello tiny one. Toby: [to Sasha] Come on. Dwight: You are the future! Kevin: This... is my file cabinet. Uhm... oh. This... is the partition... between my desk... and Angela's. Kevin: Abby's my fiancee Stacy's daughter, I think she'll have a good time. I just hope she doesn't look on my computer. ...Actually, I'd better go check. Stanley: Michael, you remember my daughter, Melissa. Michael: Oh, yes, hello, how are you? Good to see you. Wow, you've really grown up. You know what? Don't mind me saying so, she is turning into a stone cold fox. Better keep the... frat boys away from her. Melissa: I'm in eighth grade. Michael: Oh. Stanley: She's in middle school. Michael: Yeah, middle school's amazing. It is extraordinary. An extraordinary time. Michael: It's not that children make me uncomfortable, it's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle. Michael: [while Jake is throwing things at Michael] They want how many spiral pads? Meredith: Um, fif-well, fifty... I... over ordered because they had a back order. Michael: Okay. Meredith: I got permission to bring Jake into work, which is great because he got suspended this week and now I don't have to pay for a sitter. Angela: Can you put that down there? Kelly: Yep. [spreads tablecloth] Toby: [to Sasha] Okay, tell them what you wanted to say. Sasha: Do you need any help? Angela: No. Thanks. We'd... have to explain everything, it's probably just easier if we do it ourselves. Toby: Alright, I wasn't expecting that. Let's uh... let's go draw. Kelly: Oh my God, she is so cute, I want to die. Don't you just love kids, Angela? Angela: I guess I wouldn't mind a pair of small, well-behaved boys. Kelly: God I cannot wait to get pregnant and have babies! Ryan: Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun, and, I'm learning that fun for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me. Michael: [on phone] Just compare last year's order to this year's. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. [Sasha walks in the door] ... Yes. We-yeah, they're very-they're different. [Sasha walks out] Yeah, we can stick with last year's, you're just going to have to supplement it, somehow. Pam: Hey, Abby! Do you want to help me shred some old documents? It's actually pretty cool. Abby: No thanks. Pam: I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. Just one. Jim: What are you reading? Abby: From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. Jim: Aww, best book? Abby: Yeah, but I've read it before. Jim: Pfft. So have I. Hey, question. If you had to spend a night in the Met or the Aquarium, which would it be? Abby: Definitely the Aquarium. Jim: Definitely. Yes. Glad you said that. ...You don't want to help me with some of my sales, do you? 'Cause, I'm kind of swamped. Abby: Sure. Jim: Really? Abby: Mmhmm! Jim: Yesss. And you're Abby, right? Abby: Yeah. Jim: I'm Jim. [Jim hi-fives Abby] Annnnd... let's sell some paper. Abby: Alright. Jim: Let's start with... your mom. Michael: [on phone] Yes. Well... we can... [Sasha walks in, begins playing with Michael's toy train] uhm... hey, uh, you know what? Can I call you back? I'll call you right back. Yes, I promise. ...Hello, can I help you? ... You can pick that up, if you want. That's- that's alright. [Sasha moves the train to Michael's desk] Want to bring it over... here, make some room. My name's Michael. What's your name? Sasha: Sasha. Michael: Nice to meet you. Sasha: Ooh! [picks up train whistle] Michael: Oh, you know what that is! That is a train whistle, like I'm the conductor. [blows into whistle] But I'm sort of the conductor of the office here, right? [blows into whistle] You want to try? Sasha: Sure. [Sasha blows into whistle continously] Michael: All aboard for sales! Next stop, Cu...camonga! [Sasha and Michael laugh] Jim: [shaking hands with Abby] Ow, ow, ow, ow, you broke my hand. Dwight: There is no way that hurt. Jim: Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight. Dwight: Little girl. Come over here. Shake my hand. Come on, I don't have all day. [Abby shakes his hand] I don't feel anything. Nothing. [to Jim] You're so weak. [Jake walks over and messes with Dwight's bobbleheads] Uh, excuse me, these are expensive collector's items, okay? Jake: Do you have any computer games? Dwight: No, I don't have computer games on my work computer. That would be innappropriate. Jake: Yeah, Meredith doesn't have any either. It's so lame here. Dwight: You call your mom Meredith? That's very disrespectful. Jake: Whatever, okay? Dwight: You can refer to me as Mister Schrute. Jake: That's your name? Mister Poop? Dwight: Schrute. Mister Schrute. Jake: Sure, Mister Poop. [Jake walks away] Dwight: [quietly] ... Schrute. [Jim and Abby snicker, Angela glares at Dwight] Sasha: [to Phyllis] Are you Mother Goose? Melissa: I drink like, a hundred Ice Macchiatos a day, and practically nothing else. Ryan: Wow. Melissa: There's a really cool coffee place, Jitters, at the Steamtown Mall. Ever been there? Ryan: No. Melissa: You've never been to Jitters? Ryan, you are Ryan: Uhm... Melissa: Come on! [Kelly glares through the door] You have an email address? Kelly: ...that I thought you should know ... Stanley: Mmhmm. What? Kelly: I think something a little fishy is going on. [points to Ryan and Melissa] Stanley: A little fishy? Kelly: Yeah. I mean, I've been noticing them all day, I was thinking that maybe ... [Stanley gets up] Stanley: That little girl is a child! I don't want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon, do you understand?! Ryan: Yes, I- Stanley: Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it! Whatcha lookin' for, ain't nobody gonna help you out there! Jesus could come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child! Ryan: Okay. Ryan: Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life. Dwight: [plays the recorder] That was Greensleeves. A traditional English Ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn. And now, a very special treat... a book my Grandmutter used to read me when I was a kid. This is a very special story, it's called Struwwelpeter, by Heinrich Hoffman from 1864. [reading from book] The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs- are you listening, Sasha? Right? And 'ere they dream when he's about, he takes his great sharp scissors out, and then cuts their thumbs clean off! Michael: Dwight! Dwight! Dwight: There's a photo... Michael: What the hell are you reading to them? Dwight: These are cautionary tales for kids, my Grandmata used to read these- Michael: Yeah, you know what? No, no no no no. They, no. The kids don't want to hear some wierdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you. Sasha: What's a Nazi? Michael: What's a Nazi? Dwight: [standing up] Nazi was a fascist movement... Michael: Don't! Dwight: ...from the 1930's... Michael: Don't! Don't! Don't talk about Nazis in front of- you know what? They're going to have nightmares, so why don't you just shut it? Dwight: I was gonna teach the children how to make corn-husk dolls. Michael: [sighing] Why don't you just leave? Okay? Dwight: ...Okay. Jake: Bye, Mister Poop. Michael: Alright. There goes Mister Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook? The Kids: [raising hands] I do, I do! Michael: Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth, and out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool. [cracks up] Angela: You know, I never misbehaved in front of my father because he was a very strict disciplinarian. I can only hope my mate has some of those same qualities [makes eye contact with Dwight]. Michael: This is where the magic happens! Right over here, let me show you this. See all these? [pets shelf of paper] You know what that is? That's paper. This is where paper comes from. Any questions? Melissa: So... you cut the paper and dye it and stuff. Michael: No, we don't actually cut the paper. That's a good question. The paper is sent to us cut, and dyed, from a paper manufacturer, and then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it. Abby: That's not fair. [the rest of the kids agree] Michael: Yes it is, well, w-w-you need someone in the middle to facilitate... Jake: You're just a middleman. Michael: I'm not just a middle... man... Melissa: Wait, why doesn't the saw mill just sell paper directly to people? Michael: You are describing Office Depot, and they're kind of running us out of business. Dwight: We have better service than they do! Michael: ...There's Creed! Let's take a look at what he's doing, everybody! This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something. Right? Creed: That is correct. Michael: Say hi to the kids. Creed: Hi kids. Michael: Yaaaaay. Creed: Have you ever seen a foot with four toes? [begins untying shoe] Kids: Ewwww! Michael: What are you doing? N-stop it! Stop it! Just-no, no, no, no! No! Would you cut it out?! What is your problem? Creed: Th-the hair covers it, mostly. Michael: No no no, we're not gonna see- we're not gonna see the four toed... Creed, okay? Michael: You know, there's something interesting about me you might want to know. I ... used to be ... the star of a kids show. Kids: No way. Michael: It's true. I did. Melissa: You serious? Jake: Really? Michael: I am totally serious. There was a show called 'Fundle Bundle' and I was the star. Abby: That doesn't sound like a show. Melissa: What?! Michael: It's true! I can prove it! I can prove it, watch this. [gets up and runs out] Ryan, can you come here a second? [clears throat] I would like you to go to my mother's house in Dickson city, and if she is in the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked, I want you to boost yourself up, I want you to go down to the basement. In the basement is a tape labeled 'Fundle Bundle'. I want you to grab it, I want you to get my guitar. Ryan: Right. Okay. Michael: I want you to get the tambourine. Do you know how to play the tambourine? Ryan: Um, I'm already getting the pizzas from Bernetti's, so... Melissa: You know, I can go with him. Michael: Oka- Ryan: No! I will... go. Michael: Okay! Thank you Ryan. Good attitude, hottest in the office. Michael: [to Abby] Alright, nowwww... what kind... of pizza do you like? Michael: I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives... They're adults, for God's sake. Michael: I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star, and a show that you might remember called 'Fundle Bundle.' Okay? Without further ado, Ryan? Miss Trudy: [from TV] ...Bundle, are you ready to come on in? [TV children cheer] Let's have some fun! Michael: That... is Miss Trudy. Can't tell from the costume, but she had an amazing body. Okay, you can... fast forward. And... I want you... to... Dwight: Is that a real fun shooting windmill? Michael: Stop! Stop! Stop! [Ryan resumes the tape] Yes! That is, uh, Edward R. Meow. Jim: That's pretty funny. Michael: Yeah. Edward R. Meow: ...Recess! Hey, what's your name? Chet: My name's Chet. Edward R. Meow: Well hi Chet. Oscar: Is that Chet Montgomery? Michael: Uhh, I don't know. Pam: That is! Darryl: Checkin' in with Chet. Doppler's up. Edward R. Meow: What do you want to be when you grow up? Chet: I want to be on TV! Dwight: [employees chuckle] And he Michael: Can everyone please shut up, please! So you don't miss it. Edward R. Meow: Okay, next? So, whats your name? Michael: Oh! That's me. Shh. Shh. Edward R. Meow: Well what's your favorite subject at school? Young Michael: Recess. Edward R. Meow: Ree-cesss. So tell me, what do you want to be when you grow up? Young Michael: I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend. Edward R. Meow: [jaw drops, awkward pause] Uh, ah... oh, okay! Well uh, nice talking with you, Michael. Uh, back to you Miss Trudy! Miss Trudy: Hi everyone, it's one of my favorite times of the day. Michael: Coulda sworn there was... Melissa: Did you get married? Michael: ...uh, no. Abby: Why not? Michael: Uh, just never happened. Sasha: So, do you have any kids? Michael: Uh, nope. Jake: Do you have a girlfriend? Michael: I do okay. Melissa: Was Chet Montgomery cool back then? Michael: Yes. Jake: Even I have a girlfriend. Michael: Okay! Alright, okay. Sasha: So you didn't get to be what you wanted to be. Michael: ...I guess not... you know, I have a load of work to do so I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza... and I'm going to go do my work. Bye. Pam: He's not coming out. He won't pick up the phone. Jim: Can't believe his mom dressed him like that, that's the real tragedy. Roy: [wrestling with Jake] Pam! Pam! I love this guy! [laughs] Come on! Pam: So, Melissa... I met your mom a couple times. She's Melissa: Who? Terry? Pam: Mmhmm. Melissa: That woman is not my mother. That is my step-mother. Jake: Mister Poop, I have to tell you something. Dwight: Uh, okay. But first, that's not my name. Jake: You're ugly. Dwight: Well at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So... Jake: Meredith! Michael: [Toby knocks on door] Yeah? Toby: I think these belong to you. [puts toys down on desk] Michael: Oh, that's okay, she can keep those. Toby: Believe me, she has enough toys... she doesn't need your watch. Michael: Thank you. Toby: Is everything okay? Michael: You have to ask me that because you work for human resources. Toby: Uh... it's true... Michael: Well, sure, playing the field is great, don't get me wrong, but there's more to life than notches just on my bedpost. Toby: Mmhmm. Michael: Tell me something honestly, do you... think... that it is too late for me to have kids? Toby: Well, you need a wife first, or at least a girlfriend. Michael: What about... Toby: Not Jan. Michael: ...Jan. Kay. Toby: If you really want to have kids, I- I guess you could somehow... foster parent, or something. Michael: ...Or biologically. Toby: Somehow. Michael: Thanks, that's, no, that... that really means a lot to me. Hey, does Sasha have a godfather, because I... Toby: Yes. Michael: Oh... kay. Jake: Is it okay if I take one? Pam: Sure. Jake: Thank you. Pam: You're welcome. Jake: Is your job hard? Pam: It's not too bad. I get to shred things sometimes, do you want to see? Jake: Yeah! Pam: Really? Jake: Yeah. Pam: Okay. Um... here it is. Don't put your fingers in there. [shreds paper] Cool huh? Jake: That's so cool, yeah! Pam: Yeah, I get to do this like, every week. Jake: That's so awesome! Pam: I know. Michael: Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And... I have a great one [types]. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at. Kevin: Go ahead. Abby: Do you want to come over for dinner tonight? Jim: Ohh, man, I would love to! I can't tonight, but can I come over some other time? [Abby nods] Kevin: What're you doing? You never have plans. Jim: Thanks, Kev. Uhm... I'm actually going on a date. Kevin: Niiice. Michael: Hey, uh, no, please? You can't leave yet. There's still one more thing we need to do. Michael: [singing] You... who are on the road... must have a code... that you can live by... [Dwight joins in] and so... become yourself... because the past... is just a goodbye... and teach... your children well... Jim: Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play? Pam: I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer. [Jim leaves] Michael and Dwight: [singing] ...did slowly go by... and feed... them on your dreams... Pam: My theory is that... [Jim signals he's leaving, waves bye to Pam] Michael and Dwight: [singing] ...The one they picked... the one you'll know by... don't you ever ask them why... if I told you would cry... you never look at them and sigh... and know they love you... Dwight: And they do, your parents, love you very much. Michael: One more time. [singing] You... Dwight: The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter, and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. [Laughs] They didn't eat the children. Angela: Okay. I think five plain and one veggie should be fine. Phyllis: How about pepperoni? Angela: No. Ryan: I like extra cheese. Angela: Absolutely not. Pam: I like extra cheese, too. Angela: Fine. The first lesson we'll teach children will be about obesity. Ryan: Thank you. Jim: I'm pretty excited about today. I baby-sit Toby's daughter Sasha sometimes. So, she's the coolest kid. She has seen me play with dolls, though, so I don't know how cool she thinks I am. Stanley: Put that away and learn. Melissa: Learn what? Stanley: Learn why Daddy's so cranky when he comes home from work. Stanley: I brought my daughter Melissa in. That girl is very spoiled. That child has no idea what I have to deal with so she can have her little cell phone and spend all my money at that Steamtown Mall. Abby: I'm gonna go read my book now. Kevin: [whispering] Angela. Is it okay if I'm the head accountant today? Angela: I'm the head accountant. Kevin: Yeah, but can I say that I'm it, just for today? Angela: I can't set that kind of precedent. She's a bright girl. She'd see right through that. Darryl: You must be pretty strong, huh? Jake: Yeah. Roy: You think you can beat up Darryl? Jake: Yeah. I don't know, maybe. Roy: I think you might be able to. Darryl: You think you could beat me up? Jake: Yeah. Yeah, I do. Darryl: Then you gotta have muscles, man. You got some muscles? Let's see. Jake: I got some muscles. You wanna see the muscles? Bam! Look at that. Michael: Hey, don't touch him, please! Darryl: Man, you have got to be kidding me. Michael: Didn't do background checks of the warehouse guys. [exclaims] Well, I'm sure it'll be fine. Jake: Can I have a quarter? I promise I'll pay you back. Michael: Sure. Jake: Can I have a dollar? Then I can buy chips and a drink. Michael: Okay. There you go. Jake: Will you marry my mom? Oscar: Melissa. Hey. I was working. I was in the middle of something. Melissa: Just give me two seconds, I'll be done. Oscar: I was in the middle of something. Melissa: Dude, seriously, just give me two seconds, I'll be done. Oscar: Stanley. Abby: ...get you, I'm gonna get you! Come back here for more! [squealing] Creed: Kids, kids, kids, slow down. Abby: Oh, I'm gonna get you! Dwight: What the... [pulls a pencil eraser out of his mug, after a drink] Abby: Did you draw that? Pam: Yeah. Do you like to draw, Abby? Abby: Yeah, I wanna be an artist when I grow up. Pam: Me, too. Abby: You are grown up. Kelly: So, how's your day been? Pam: Okay. It's been a little more tiring than I thought. Kelly: Yeah, it doesn't help that Stanley's daughter's such a slut. Pam: Hmm. Jim: Hey, Abby. I wanted to give you this for all your hard work today. Look. Michael signed it and everything. Official. Abby: Thank you so much. Jim: Absolutely. Dwight: Oh, I hate to break it to you, Abby. The certificate's a fake. Okay? It's not real. Where's the certification number, Halpert? Jim: Actually, I have the certification number right here. Dwight: Oh, really? Uh-huh. Jim: Yup. Dwight: Oh. Okay. Fine. Well done. Jim: All right. Jim: A7557962.' Totally nonsense numbers, but you do what you have to do.

Michael: So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you. Oscar: Who is this guy again? Michael: Don't worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are... the wave of the future. These things sell themselves. Ryan: Who uses calling cards anymore? Michael: You know what? That's a nice attitude, Ryan, I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend. Oscar: This sounds like a get rich quick scheme. Michael: Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will! Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the email? Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country, okay? ...Alright, so, raise your hand if you wanna get rich. [Jim and Dwight raise their hands] Alright. Jim: No, um. How is this not a pyramid scheme? Michael: Alright, let me explain. Again. [draws on board] Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more who are investing, the more money we're all going to make. It's not a pyramid scheme, it is a... it's not even a scheme per se, it's... [Jim draws a triangle around Michael's diagram] ... I have to go make a call. Pam: Happy birthday Michael. Michael: Oh ho ho! What? Pam: I said happy birthday. Michael: Thank you! That's really nice. Michael: Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a Michael: What's up? Jim: Hey. ...Oh, happy birthday. Michael: Ah, thank you sir. Meredith: Did you hear anything yet? Kevin: No. I'm still waiting. Michael: [Dwight knocks on door] Yeah. Dwight: Yes. There he is, the birthday boy! Michael: Ohh, god. Dwight: Birthday hug! Michael: No no no, no, new suit, please. Dwight: That suit is amazing. Michael: Thank you very much. It is from Italy. [checks jacket] Actually- no, Bulgaria. Dwight: Mmm. Maybe I should get one. Michael: Good luck. One of a kind. Dwight: Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities? Michael: Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it. They've been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday. Dwight: Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the... Michael: Don't! Nope! Please, don't want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise. Dwight: Let's get the party started. [Begins 'raising the roof'] Michael: Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you! [Michael joins in] Phyllis: When should we bring out the cake, one or one thirty? Pam: One's good. Angela: One thirty. [Pam yawns] I'm sorry, are we boring you? Dwight: Party planning committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake, so make that a priority. Phyllis: Where do we get those? Dwight: Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by. [hands list to Pam] Pam: Michael wants a strippergram? Dwight: Yes, but he doesn't want to know when, or whom. Angela: No. This is a closed door meeting. Michael: [answering phone] Yeah? Pam: Michael, I have Jan on the line. Michael: Oh, great, put her through. Jan: Hello, Michael. Michael: Hey, you. Jan: I'm... returning your call, you said it was urgent. Michael: It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday. Jan: Well, today's not my birthday, so... Michael: Really? 'Cause, I thought we had the same birthday. Jan: ...Happy birthday, Michael. Michael: Thanks. [grins] Jan: Am I on camera? Michael: Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. [Jan hangs up] Michael: [to Ryan, sitting across from Michael] ...You can take a five, if you want. Michael: Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday! Stanley: Mmhmm, happy birthday. Michael: Thanks. Jim: Man, I'm so sorry. When do you find out? Kevin: They said this afternoon. They're waiting on a second opinion. Jim: Oh, okay. Kelly: Second opinion on what? Kevin: Um, I might have skin cancer. Kelly: Oh, no! I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and there was a lifeguard on it, and Jim: Kelly, you know what... Kelly: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's. Toby: Who brought in donuts? Michael: Somebody got donuts for my birthday! Toby: Happy birthday! Michael: You didn't know it was my birthday. Toby: I... guess I forgot. Michael: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut [closes box]. Toby: Are you serious? Michael: Mmm. Oscar: Skin cancer is treatable. Kevin: Right. Oscar: It's going to be okay. Angela: You don't know it's going to be okay. Don't give him false hope. ...It's probably nothing, though. Delivery Woman: Hi, delivery for Michael Scott. Michael: Here we go. Ohhhkay, this is great! [giggles] Thank you my friends, she is perfect! Ahhh, Dwight, may I have your chair please? And, um, some singles, if you will! Allllright. Nnnnn-dink! [puts single into delivery woman's pocket, giggles] Okay, um, alright. This has arms. Is that gonna be a... is that alright? Delivery Woman: Uh... s-sure. Michael: [laughing] Okay. I'm so nervous. Pam: I can sign for it. Delivery Woman: Oh. Thanks. Michael: When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids... and... I got a really bad rash from the pony, and all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me... for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out the pony was already in the truck. And around the corner. So that was my worst birthday. Michael: [eating donuts while Dwight plays the recorder] Stop it. Stop! What is that? Dwight: It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's you favorite song. Michael: Yeah, well, it's on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Probably my mother is the only one that cares enough to send me anything. Dwight: I probably care more than she does. Michael: You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this [points to James Dean poster]. Pam: When does he hear? Jim: Sometime today. Pam: Ohh... poor Kevin. Pam: If I knew I had a week to live, I would... probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And... I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. ...It would be a pretty busy week. Dwight: Uh, that's a list price of four dollars and fifty cents. Unfortunately, this item is on [watch beeps] back... order... [hangs up] Michael! Michael! Michael Michael Michael! Come here, come here, come here! Come here! Michael: What? Dwight: Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal, so... huh?! Right, have a seat. Please. Michael: [grinning] Ohhh, God. Dwight: There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair. Michael: Ohhh, no. Dwight: So come help me celebrate Michael's birth moment. Kevin! Oscar: ...I'll do it. Michael: Ohh, no, no, no! I can't... Ryan, come on. Let's do this. Dwight: Creed! Come on. Stanley! Pam: ...I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here? Jim: Maybe, but... we're gonna need somebody to create a diversion, and... Dwight: On three, we're going to hoist away! Ready? Michael: Okay. Dwight: Happy birth moment, Michael. Michael: Thank you. Dwight: One. Two. Three! [Michael is raised until his head hits the ceiling] Michael: Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it... please. Dwight: Oscar... Oscar: It wasn't me. Dwight: Okay, that is Delivery Boy: Uh, we don't make an eight foot sub. This is eight one foot subs. Dwight: F. Alright, what's the damage? Delivery Boy: Uh, thirty-nine sixty. Dwight: [pulls out wallet] Thirty nine... sixty. Dwight: Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones. Dwight: Here they come. Michael: Get in here... everybody. Dwight: Come and get it! Michael: Birthday party subs! My gift to you. Oscar: What is this? Dwight: Uh, bologna, tomato and ketchup. Michael: The best. Stanley: These are all the same? Michael: Yes. Angela: Bologna? I don't eat bologna. Michael: Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. Still good. Angela: No. Michael: Just the bread, it's fresh baked. Angela: No. Michael: Mm-kay. Get whatever you want. [under breath] And choke on it. Michael: When I was sixteen, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with, so she went out with him, on my birthday. And, she got him a cake, at the restaurant. And it wasn't even his birthday, but I heard about it the next day in school. So... Jim: So. We got Kev some stuff. Um... a party pack of M&M's, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie, and, he lent it to Creed, so, I can guarantee you he won't get that back. Pam: Sixty-nine cup of noodles. Jim: Which we realize sounds crass, but, it... is his favorite number. Pam: And his favorite lunch. Dwight: Hey temp, you know uh, we still got five feet of sandwich left [pulls ice cream cake out of freezer]. Ryan: [making peanut butter and jelly sandwich] Someone ate three feet of that thing? Dwight: Hell, yeah. Save room for ice cream cake. Angela: [grabs cake] Oh. Thank you. Dwight: Oh. I got it. Angela: What are- it's... the party planning committee. Dwight: [whispering] This is the most important day of the year. I can't risk anything. Angela: Fine. Dwight: What about that meeting... later... to discuss finances? Angela: Yes... [whispering] but don't expect any cookie. Dwight: [whispering] But what if i'm hungry? Angela: [whispering] Jim: [puts fabric softener into cart] ...What? Pam: You use fabric softener? Jim: Yeah, you don't? Pam: No, I do. Jim: ...Okay. Office Staff: [singing] Happy birthday dear Michael, [Michael joins in, Kevin's phone rings] Happy birthday... [everyone but Dwight stops] ...tooo youuuu. Kevin: Hello? Hey. Michael: Kevin? Respect the birthday please. Kevin: No, um, no not yet. I will. Bye. [hangs up] It was just Stacy. Michael: Are you done? ...Good. Okay. Dwight: Here we go. Make a wish. Michael: Uhhh... blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm... [blows out the candles] Dwight: Yaoo yay! [claps] Michael: ... I asked for trick candles. Dwight: Pam was supposed to get 'em. Michael: Okay. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again. [notices Meredith hugging Kevin] Hello, what about the birthday boy? Haven't had a hug all day. Angela: No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer. Michael: ... Aww, that... sucks, great. ... Wow, that's good timing. That's... that's, sorry, that's terrible. Terrible news. That's terrible... terrible news for both of us [takes cake into office and slams the door]. Pam: [checking watch] We should probably head back. Jim: Yeah. Okay. Oh. I dare you to make an announcement. Pam: You dare me? How old are you? Jim: Just... quit stalling. Pam: [over loudspeaker, imitating Darth Vader] Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner. Jim: Such a dork. Pam: [loudspeaker] Jim Halpert? Price check on fabric softener, the kind that gives you... Store Employee: Ma'am? Please don't touch that. That is not a toy. Pam: Oh I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Jim: How old are you? Pam: I hate you. Toby: [to Kevin] Honestly, is there any way you can get on your fiancee's plan? Our health plan is s... just... it's terrible. Michael: There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover. Kevin: Still scary. Michael: Yeah, but it's not brain cancer. And it shouldn't stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is. Kevin: Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine. Michael: And laughter... also. Toby: I don't really think people are in the laughing mood. Michael: Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party. Toby: I work here. Michael: [mocking voice] Nyeh, I work here. [to Kevin] Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn't speak for everybody and I am your boss, I... think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day. Kevin: If I go home now, I'll just drive myself crazy. Michael: Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry. Dwight: Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls. Jim: Well that's an invasion of privacy, so, I'm going to tell Michael. Dwight: Please, don't. Jim: You... owe me. Michael: Excuse me, everyone. Attention please. Kevin, we're going to take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun. Stanley: Is this trip related in any way to your... birthday? Michael: How dare you sir. You are gross. Michael: [sees 'Happy Birthday Michael Scott!' poster at skating rink] That should not be there. Dwight: I'll get someone to take it down. Michael: No, it's alright. It's already up. Just leave it. Where's Kevin? Come on! Let's get our skate on! Kelly: Don't be scared! You're good! You're good! Ryan: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Jim: Think you can let go? Pam: No. [laughs] Jim: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. [Michael skates by] Dwight: YEAH! Pam: Who is that? Jim: Is that Michael? Michael: Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but, you're on the road so much. You got no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids. Pam: I got it. Michael: Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin... um, it's pretty scary. And I'm thinking that uh, next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it. Jim: ...It's something to think about. Kevin: I can't relax about it, you know? Michael: Kevin. You heard anything yet? Kevin: No, not yet. Michael: Okay. Well. Live strong. Kevin: Okay, Michael. Michael: Alright. Carol: Michael? Michael: Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo! Hey! What, is this place on the market? Or... Carol: Uhh, no, I... don't just sell real estate. Uh, my daughter has a skating lesson. Michael: Oh, these... all your kids? Carol: No just the front two. Michael: Oh, hey guys. Whats up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay? Carol: Sure. Michael: Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are reaaallly mooovin' now! Michael: Push. Good! That's great. You got it. [Kevin's phone rings] Excuse me. Kevin: Hello? Yeah okay. Alright. Okay, I will, thanks. [hangs up] It was negative. Michael: Oh... God... [stomps] God! [throws hockey stick and yellow paper bracelet down] We're gonna beat this, okay? We're gonna... come here [hugs Kevin]. Michael: Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would... be... chaos. Kevin: This is awesome. Thanks, you guys. Michael: Okay, who's this from? Wowwwee, look at that! Jersey! Dwight: Turn it around. Turn it around. Michael: Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight. Dwight: Number one!! Michael: Thank you... Dwight. That's great. Thanks. Pam: Michael? Michael: Yeah. Pam: This is from all of us. Michael: Oh! You didn't need to do that. ...Nightswept. This is... really amazing. Thank you. I love it. Pam: Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day. Jim: Michael's birthday. It's pretty fun to watch, actually. He gets very excited, and then he eats a lot of cake. And then he runs around the office. Then he has a sugar crash in the afternoon. And then he falls asleep. And that's when we get our work done. Dwight: Let's get the party started. Michael: That's not how I taught you, right? [singing] My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lump Check it out [Dwight imitating drumbeat] Dwight: Michael's birthday is hard for me because he gets very excited. But he's also under a lot of pressure, which builds up until he's ready to explode. As his right-hand man, it's my job to release that pressure so that he can enjoy himself, if only for a moment. Michael: Okay, here's the thing about bosses and employees. A good boss will say, 'Hey, it's my birthday. Celebrate me.' A great boss will say, 'Hey, it's my birthday. Celebrate yourselves, because you are the ones who made me great, and I will acknowledge your contributions with donuts.' Michael: Good. You know, Ryan, you didn't have to get me a present. Ryan: I won't. Michael: Good. Great. Ryan: Okay, good. I think I'm gonna go. Michael: No, I think you're gonna stay. Michael: On my 20th birthday, my supposed best friend, Sam Ambrose, ditched me for his twin sister's Sweet Sixteen party. And that was my worst birthday. Until today. Kevin: Can you please stop staring at me? [Dwight continues to stare and then walks away] Dwight: To think that a man's skin could turn on him. It's brilliant, 'cause you'd never expect it. Most people think of their skin as an ally. [scoffs] Makes me rethink having skin at all. Michael: [knock on door] Mmm-hmm. Ryan: Hey. I got the information. Michael: Oh, good. Okay. Don't tell me, tell them. Ryan: [turns to camera] 'The survival rate for localized melanoma is 98%.' Michael: Oh, my God. That's a piece of cake. That's a piece of cake. Oh, 2%. Jeez, that's good. Ryan: [looking at camera] 'There was 7,800 deaths from melanoma in 2005.' Michael: Out of, like, 18 billion Americans, so, no worry. Ryan: For localized melanoma, the five-year survival rate is 98%. The survival rates for regional and...' Michael: Those were probably misdiagnosed. I mean, anybody with a zit goes in and says, 'I have cancer.' Ryan: The skin is the largest organ of the body.' Michael: Untrue. The heart is bigger than the skin. If you stretched the heart out, it would cover more than the entire body. Angela: I'm not afraid of dying. I know where I'm going. But if I were Kevin, I might be terrified. Gluttony.

Dwight: Kevin Malone, you're next. Spit that out. [Kevin shoves the rest of the donut he's eating into his mouth] Spit... Okay, come on, let's go. Jim: You look cute today, Dwight. Dwight: Thanks, girl. Jim: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight Dwight: Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation. Kevin: [nods] Hey... Dwight: I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime and I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't. Jim: [mimicking Stanley] I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip. Pam: [laughs] Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk and he'll just be someone else. Like he'll go um, [makes mournful face, giggles] that's supposed to be Phyllis. I can't do it as good as he can. Kelly: And the guys are saying, chug, chug, chug, but I'm so small and all I'd eaten that day was one of those Auntie Anne pretzels from the food court so I said 'Is it okay if I sip it?' and they said no, but Ryan seemed cool either way. Dwight: Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is is on the line! Now I'm going to ask you again. What time did you go home last night? Kelly: Six. Dwight: I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night. Ryan: I go to a lot of parties. Dwight: Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me you keys. Ryan: I am not giving you my keys. Dwight: Don't make me do this the hard way. Ryan: What's the hard way? Dwight: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant, once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him. Ryan: Yeah, let's do it that way. Michael: Ry, is he bugging you? Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot. You know, you're totally harshing the office mellow. Dwight: I can't stop this investigation. It is my job. Jim: Whoa. You are a volunteer. Dwight: I volunteered for this job. Jim: And that's not the same. Dwight: It is my duty... Jim: [interrupting] Volunteer duty. Dwight: ...to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know. Michael: [fake coughing] Narc! Kevin: [giggling] Dwight: If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job. Michael: I wasn't attempting to compliment you. Dwight: Well, you have... Michael: Uuf, well... Dwight: ...because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have... Michael: [shakes head] Okay... Dwight: ...and I am very proud of being a narc. Michael: Why don't you just cool it, cool it Dwight, please, God! [to Jim] Dude, where's my office? [Jim quietly laughs] I totally lost it, 'cause I was half-baked. Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest! Jim: Well, your office is behind you. Michael: Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies? Ryan: I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone has ever offered him any. Dwight: Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule. Dwight: Have you ever taken any illegal drugs? Oscar: No, I have not. Dwight: Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it? Oscar: What are you implying? Dwight: Have you ever... pooped... a balloon? Oscar: Okay. I'm done with this. Dwight: He sure left in a hurry. Dwight: I don't want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime. Dwight: Do you know what this is? [pushing a photo toward her] Phyllis: Yes, it's marijuana. Dwight: How do you know that? Phyllis: It's labeled. Dwight: [grabs pictures back and looks at it] Dammit. Creed: That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica. Dwight: No, it's marijuana. Jim: I'm just saying that you can't be sure that is wasn't you. Dwight: That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me. Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember. Dwight: I would remember. Jim: Well, how could you, if it just erased your memory? Dwight: That's not how it works. Jim: Now how do you know how it works? Dwight: Knock it off, okay, I'm interviewing you. Jim: No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke? Dwight: [opens eyes wide in total surprise] Oscar: So Pam told me that you do a great Stanley impression, I'd love to hear it. Jim: Oh, um...[mimicking Stanley] Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me? [Pam and Oscar laugh, Stanley walks in, and Oscar leaves quickly] Stanley: Is that supposed to be me? Jim: Oh, hey Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression. Stanley: I do not think that is funny. Pam: He does everyone in the office. Stanley: Hmmmpt. Pam/Jim: [in unison] I do not think that is funny. Pam: Jinx! Buy me a coke. Jim: Oh... Pam: No, no, no, no talking. Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid. [Jim puts money in drink machine, selection is sold out] Pam: Sold out? That has never happened in the history of jinx. Jim: [mouths] C'mon! Pam: Sorry, that's not my problem. Jim: [presses drink button, looks at camera, makes Jim-face] Dwight: I know you're innocent, but I can't look like I'm treating you any differently. Angela: I understand. Dwight: Where were you yesterday after work? Angela: [smiles knowingly] Michael: Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who's he calling? Ratting somebody out. Narc! Narc! Kevin? Kevin: That is so good, Michael Michael: Remember the narc bit? [laughs] Uh-oh, who's in trouble? Dwight: Attention everyone. Drug testers are coming in a couple of hours to test everyone's urine. Michael: Waa... what? What are you talking about? Dwight: Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises there is automatic drug testing conducted within twenty-four hours. Oscar: Is that true, Toby? Toby: Oh, when you sign your job application you agree to comply with random drug testing. Michael: Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act this beautiful girl sits down next to me and I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don't know exactly how this happened but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said it was clove cigarettes, and I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it. Michael: Okay, attention everyone the drug testing has been cancelled. Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection. Dwight: No you can't do that. Michael: I can do that, it is my office. Dwight: No you cannot. It has to be official, and it Michael: Hmmm. Ha. [under his breath] Alright. Great. Dwight: Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking, besides Rogaine? Kevin: I'm not taking Rogaine. Dwight: Angela, what about you? Angela: I don't take any prescription drugs. Dwight: You're not on Angela: [Gives Dwight a knowing look] Dwight: Good. Kelly: So the first time we went out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine, but I was so nervous. So this time I wanted to be special, so I bought a new dress! [Jim hunches his shoulders and grins] One of those kinds that is kinda low cut at top to show something, but not everything. [Jim shakes his head no in agreement] I mean not everything, Jim. [Jim shakes his head in agreement] I promise, I'm not that kind of... Pam: Hey guys, what's going on? Kelly: We're having the best conversation. [Jim, eyes wide, shakes his head, no] Pam: Oh, okay. Well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room. [Jim shakes his head. Seems relieved to be getting away from Kelly] But you know what? We have a few minutes so you guys should definitely finish up your conversation. [Jim nods his head as if to say, 'Gee, thanks, Pam.'] Kelly: So, I was looking so hot... Michael: It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about. Phyllis: We don't feel that way. Angela: No, not at all. Oscar: You were the one joking around calling Dwight a narc. Michael: No, uh, no. That was a test. I was testing you, and you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him? How many of you said, 'Hey, you know what, he's right? What he's doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs.' Dwight: Thank you, Michael. Michael: I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind. Michael: Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children. Stanley: Where did you get these facts? Michael: Are these facts scaring you, or are they not? Stanley: They are not. Michael: Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool? Stanley: No, I don't. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week. For the antioxidants. Michael: Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with? Toby: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael. Michael: Yes it is. Toby: No it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors. Michael: Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? [Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad] In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair. Toby: You can't do that. Michael: I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly. Toby: That's not random. Michael: Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I'm going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam. Pam: I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs. Michael: Really? [Jim shakes his head no] Pam: Uh, hmmm. Michael: Jim it's okay. You can t... [Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head, Pam looks at him and gestures for Jim to go up and tell his story] This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. [Jim shakes his head no] It's okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. [Jim stands up] Oh, he's doing it, okay. [Jim looks at Pam] It's okay. [Jim pretends to try, looking teary eyed, shakes his head no, mouths 'I can't' and sits back down. Pam is amazed.] Oh. Okay, are you sure? [Jim shakes his head. Kevin pats his shoulder] That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. [Pam nods in admiration at Jim] Okay, well. Pam: Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that. Michael: The point I'm trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them, and based upon what I have seen you all don't quite hate 'em as much as I do so you are going to have a drug test, and I am not. Dwight: No, you will be tested. Michael: Yes, I will not be. Dwight: You will be. That is the law according to the rules. Michael: Okay, well Dwight just know that I've been very busy today and I got a lot of work to do and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay? So good. Thank you. Dwight: Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy. Linda: We test a lot of urine. Dwight: Mine was green. Linda: Oh, right. How are you? Dwight: I'm all better. Michael: So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done. Dwight: What kind of filing? Michael: Just forget it. Just the urine. Dwight: That goes directly to the tester. Michael: Just. I need your urine. Dwight: Like in a cup? Michael: Yes in a cup, we're not animals, Dwight. Dwight: For what purpose? Michael: It's none of your business. Dwight: Then I refuse. Michael: Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring. Dwight: Are you serious? Michael: I need clean urine for the lady. Dwight: But that's illegal. Michael: Don't think of it that way. It's like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there's no controlling it. It just... goes Dwight: Not my urine. Michael: A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens. Dwight: Were you forced to do drugs at this concert? Michael: No, just look. Look. Just... just fill up the cup. Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine? Dwight: I want him to have all the urine he needs. Angela: You're not going to get my permission on this. Dwight: I know that. Don't you think I know that? Linda: Yeah, we do testing all over the country. Ryan: Cool. Hey, are you guys hiring? Linda: You want to work at the urinalysis lab? Ryan: Yeah. Maybe. Dwight: My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out. Pam: What? [Jim shakes his head] Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. [Jim shakes his head no] You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason. [Jim smiles] Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything. [Jim stops smiling and looks down. Pam wonders what that means] Kevin: I'd like a magazine. Linda: We just need urine, sir. Kevin: I'd still like one. Michael: Dwight. Well, I passed the test thanks to you and your untainted pee. Thank you very much. Dwight: That's great. Michael: What's wrong? Where's your costume? Dwight: It's a uniform and I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation. Michael: Why? Wha... Dwight: I took an oath when I was sworn in and I broke that oath today. Pam: [placing a coke can in front of Jim] Here. [Jim looks confused] Just buy it from me. I haven't talked to you in hours and it's been weird and I really want to know what the hell's going on with Dwight. [Pam scoots the coke can towards Jim. Jim pulls out his wallet and hands Pam a dollar. He gives the coke back to Pam] Jim: Hi. Pam: Hey. Jim: How much time do you have left on your break? Pam: Ten minutes. Michael: Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings. Call in a few favors. and I've decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch. Dwight: Really? Michael: Yes, sir. Dwight: That's fantastic because I've always felt that the security here sucked . Michael: So you wanna? Thanks. Hank: Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary voluntary corporal in charge of assisting all activities security. Michael: Okay. Hank: Here's your badge. Dwight: Thank you, Michael. Very nice. Great. [To Hank] Can I have a gun? Hank: No, I don't have a gun. Dwight: Okay, I'll have to bring in my bow staff. Hank: I don't think so. Michael: Good. Dwight: [salutes] Thank you, Michael. Michael: No. Oh. Uh...[awkwardly salutes] Dwight: I need to go over some details with you. Michael: Alright. [to Hank] Well, Thank you. Dwight: First of all, Hank, how many orange traffic cones do you have? Hank: Two. Dwight: Oh, God. Jim: Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it. What is he getting out of that relationship? Jim: [growling] Nice. Pam: Kevin. Jim: Yeah. Pam: Do someone else. Jim: Um, [gives Pam a look] Pam: Angela. Jim: Whoa. Pam: The eyebrow. Jim: Yeah. Dwight: I'm not only hoping to find the culprit who committed this heinous crime, I am praying to find this heinous culprit. And I will pray to Thor himself, if that's what it takes. Toby: Michael's behavior is erratic and unpredictable, but I don't think he's doing drugs. Maybe he should. Take the edge off. Uh, not at work, of course. Dwight: People use marijuana to escape. Jim does not have a girlfriend. His sales are nothing to brag about. And he does not belong to any organized clubs. If that were my life, I'd do drugs. Phyllis: He asked if you've been acting withdrawn lately. Stanley: And what did you say? Phyllis: I said no. Stanley: Hmm. Phyllis: You're welcome. Dwight: Your turn, Stanley. [Stanley just takes a drink from his mug] Angela, you're up. Pam: Last night? Let's see. Dwight: Go ahead. Don't lie. Pam: I won't. It's just that last night is really hard for me to remember because I was just a teensy bit high. Should I have not said that? Dwight: No, no, no. It's okay. Go ahead. Pam: I know that I shouldn't have done it. But I was in the parking lot at the Quick and Easy. Dwight: Oh. Pam: And I took a bong hit from my Bong Water with my pimp. Dwight: Oh. Meredith: Pam said you had something important to tell me. Is it bad? Am I getting fired? [Jim shakes head 'no'] Why aren't you telling me? It must be bad. They're taking away my kid. I knew it. [Jim waves arms and shakes head 'no'] They're not taking away my kid. Oh. Kelly: Oh, sure, I can definitely help you with that. Okay? Please hold. Dwight: Kelly Kapour. Say your prayers. Let's go. Conference room, pronto. Come on, step it up. Michael: Drugs are everywhere in our society. They are omniscient. If you look at the amount of pot that was smoked in the United States last year, that would reach the moon. Oscar: How? Michael: Exactly. I know. It's amazing. Oscar: No, how could it reach the moon? Like, would you make it into a rope, or... Creed: I have some hemp ropes at my house, they're really strong... Michael: Shut... Shut it. No. Just... Just focus on the facts. Cocaine. They use cocaine. Dwight: Oh, me? Just one of the gang. Sitting in the back, doodling, not playing attention. Bam! Pow! Surprise! Got you! [Note pad reads, 'Creed -Shifty eyes / Ryan - Dilated pupils / Kelly - Hyperactive'] There's a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy in your midst, and he is taking names. Michael: One thing that you need to remember is that there's no way of knowing who's a user, who's an abuser, because we don't know. It could be anybody. Your instinct is to say it's somebody-like Stanley or Oscar... Stanley: Excuse me? Michael: No, no! Your instinct. That... Your gut reaction is to say that, but I don't! That's, that's... Those are instincts that have been created by media and hype. And they are wrong. What I am saying is that you just do not know who drug users are. It may be the person you least suspect. It may be somebody hot, like Pam, or it could be somebody matronly, like Phyllis, but just not me. Phyllis: It's not me, either. Michael: No? okay, fine. Jan: [on the phone] Michael, I'm gonna get going. I really don't think I need to be in this meeting. Michael: Okay, well, I really think that... [dial tone beeping] Pam: Has she been on the phone the whole time? Michael: Yeah. Sorry you had to hear that. It was a lovers' quarrel. Dwight: Make-up sex. Nice! Kevin: Nice. Michael: Okay, let's get personal for a second, shall we? Dwight: The scary thing is, it could have been any one of these people. They all had a motive. To get high. Michael: Okay, well, I made up some fliers for everybody to take on your way out, in case you're ever tempted. So there you go. And, Dwight, you know, I'm very busy today. It wasn't even planning on going to the bathroom, so I don't even know if anything will come out. Dwight: just drink a lot of water. Michael: Well... Dwight: You have to relax your muscles around the bladder. Michael: I don't... Let's just not talk about it, okay? Pam: [reading from Michael's flier] 'Drugs: Let's not and say we did.' I think Michael was high when he wrote this. Toby: You know, sometimes I wish we just didn't have a conference room. [Kelly laughs] You know? He couldn't do that. Kelly: But then we wouldn't have any meetings. Toby: Yeah. Kelly: Okay. Bye, Toby. Toby: Bye. Kelly: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God. Hello? Yes, I am so, so sorry. Yeah, actually, I don't have that information just yet. Uh-huh. Listen, do you mind if I put you on a brief hold? Okay. Angela: I look forward to drug testing. I used to get a runner's high, which is why now I swim. Meredith: Why would I be worried? I'm not a drug user. I would never abuse my body like that. I mean, they are plenty of other ways to have fun. My body is 100% drug-free. Pam: [telephone ringing] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Um, hold, please. [to Jim] There's a Brenda on the phone for you. [to Brenda] Just one second, I'll transfer. Jim: [telephone ringing] [shows note to camera 'It's OK. She'll call back!'] Man: She's got it up now. Sheriff: He'll be up. Okay, sure. I'll get someone down. Dwight: Hey. Hey. Jerry. Sheriff: Thanks. Dwight: Sheriff Pierce? I'm turning in my badge. Sheriff: Where sis you get that? Dwight: I got it here. Sheriff: No. No, you didn't. we didn't give you this. Dwight: No, I mean at the gift shop. Also, I can't wear this anymore. Sheriff: You were never supposed to wear this in the first place, Dwight. Come on now, seriously, you got me concerned here a little bit. Dwight: Oh, don't worry. I never abused my power. I only tried to help the Sheriff's Department in any way I could. Sheriff: Right, well... Why don't you give me a couple examples of ways that you've helped us out? Dwight: Oh, God, there are so many. Roadside assistance, breaking up unruly parties, surveillance... Sheriff: Surveillance? Dwight: Crowd control, directing traffic... Sheriff: Mace! You... You've been carrying around weapons-grade Mace? Dwight: I've only had to use it once. Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: [tosses the butt of a joint in parking lot] We should get a pizza. Vance Refrigeration Worker #2: I hate pizza.

Kevin: So, uh... you found a band for your wedding yet? Pam: No. Kevin: Cause I'm in a band. We really rock. Jim: Yeah, I mean it's inevitable. I definitely overhear some wedding preparation, but I'm fine with it. She hears me arranging my social life. And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out. Phyllis: Oh I got the 'Save The Date'. Pam: Yeah? Phyllis: Yeah, pretty stationery. Pam: Oh, thanks! Angela: I didn't get mine yet. Pam: Uh... Pam: There are a few people I decided not to invite, and that might make things kind of awkward but ... it's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy. Michael: Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry. We're doing I.D. photos today. Gotta represent. Phyllis: Uh, on or off? I.D. Photographer: Off. Phyllis: Okay... [removes glasses] Dwight: Oh! What is on your face? Is that a disguise? Phyllis: [leaving the room] Excuse me. Dwight: Clown paint. Dwight: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged? Michael: That's a nice tie. Ryan: Thank you. Michael: That is... who makes that? Ryan: Um, I don't... Michael: Do you mind if I wear that for the photo? Ryan: Um... let's um, let's keep our clothes. Oscar: It's like child abuse. I say, if Jesus saw that, he'd freak out! He'd freak out, Toby! I mean on some levels... it's... and I'm supposed to work there. I'm supposed... Michael: [walking into the Conference room] What's the dealio? Toby: Just letting Oscar vent a little. We would use the break room, but the photographer's back there today. Michael: What's the problem? Oscar: Angela! Toby: It's just a little dispute over a poster in their workspace. Oscar: Since Christmas. Michael: So what, you're having a little spat. I forget, are you guys dating? Oscar: No. Toby: Michael, can I talk to you for a uh, second please? Michael: Yes. Toby: Here's how I usually handle this: all I do is listen. Michael: Yeah? Toby: These things just have a way of working themselves out. Michael: Okay. Toby: It's like if you write someone a letter, when you're really angry... they say to keep it in a drawer for a couple days. Then you just never end up sending it. Michael: What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So... Toby: Okay. Michael: Okay... what? Toby: That was the right decision for me and my marriage. Michael: Yeah, well... that's not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized. [leans over to Pam] Uh, Pam, will you get Angela and meet us in the conference room please? Michael: [holding up a binder] A mediator's tool chest. Okay, well, before we get started, you should know that are 5 different styles of conflict.[in a comedic voice] My Shaolin temple style defeats your monkey style. Angela: Can we go? I have a lot of work to do. Michael: No. Okay, this is important. The first style is lose/lose. Oscar: What's the next one? Michael: Just hold on, please! Okay, if we do lose/lose, neither of you gets what you want. Do you understand? You... you would both lose. Now I need to ask you, do you want to pursue a lose/lose negotiation? Angela: Can we just skip to whatever number 5 is - win/win or whatever? Michael: Win/Win is number four and number five is win/win/win. The important difference here is with win/win/win, we all win. Me too. I win for having successfully mediated a conflict at work. Michael: [in front of poster] Okay, since this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings using 'I' emotion language and no judging or 'you' statements. Angela: I got this poster for Christmas, and I feel I want to see it everyday. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor. Michael: Come on, seriously, that? Oscar: I don't like looking at it. It's creepy, and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who force the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art. It destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hardcore porno. I'm talking about the... Michael: Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop! Let's see if we can just brainstorm and find some creative alternatives that are win/win. Pam: Win! Michael: Yes. Thank you, Pam. How about Angela makes the poster into a t-shirt, which Oscar wears. That way, he can never see it and whenever she looks at Oscar, she can see it. Win/win/win. Oscar: No. Angela: That's... no... Michael: Okay... well, brainstorm. Own the solution. Angela: How about, I leave it up? Oscar: How 'bout, she takes it down? Pam: How about, Angela can keep it up on Tuesdays and Thursdays? Michael: Okay, that is called a compromise. And it is style 3. And it is not ideal. To sum up, win/win - make the poster into a t-shirt, win/lose - take the poster down, compromise - Tuesdays and Thursdays. And the answer is... make the poster into a t-shirt! Win/win. Pam: Win. Oscar: Fine. Angela: But, it... Michael: [claps his hands twice] It is done! Pam: Win Photographer: [snaps a photo of Creed, then Creed turns to the side for a profile shot] No, you're all good. Creed: Great. [gets up and leaves] Pam: Hey, Angela.[hands her a Save The Date card] I didn't have your zip code. Angela: Oh. Thanks. Angela: It was hand delivered. But, I did get a Save The Date after all. It's not my taste. Toby: You solved it? Michael: Yes. Toby: Well, good. We can, uh, throw that one out. [shuffles through papers] Michael: Are those all the other complains? Toby: Mmm-Hm. Michael: I would like to see those please. Toby: I... I can't do that. Michael: You can't do that, huh? Huh, ok. Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file. Toby: That... [shakes head and places hand over the file] Michael: Okay. [yanks the file away, despite Toby's resistance] There! No more conflict. [looks at the camera] I had to use win/lose on that. It was not pretty. [looks back at Toby] All right... is that it? Toby: [sighs and pulls out a box under his desk] It's all Dwight's. Toby: Every Friday at 4, I have a standing appointment with Dwight for him to file a grievance against Jim. I tell him that I'm sending them to a special file in New York. That box is the special file in New York. Michael: Ohh... God. Alright. Why do I have to do everything? Photographer: Are you sure? [looks at Oscar, who is front of the camera, holding the baby poster in front of his chest] Dwight: Oh, he's sure. Just shoot. Photographer: [shoots twice] Michael: [looking through papers in the complaint box] This is from Kevin. He says Stanley uses his Miracle Whip without asking. Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright. Creed... huh. Duh, duh. Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist. Pam: Nice. Michael: You will notice that not one of these complaints is against me. Toby: Actually, I have a separate folder for complaints against Michael. This [unlocks a drawer]is January through March of this year. [pulls out a fairly large folder] Michael: How many of you have at one time gone to Toby to complain about another employee? [looks at all the employees, most of whom raise their hands] And... did you get what you wanted, or were you merely listened to, you forget about your problem, and you move on? [employees mumble 'merely listen to and forgotten...' ] That is outrageous! I love this place... and it pains me to see all of the negativity festering... [sighs] Okay, today we are going to get everything out of these files and into the open, where it can be resolved. Alright, how about the Phyllis/Angela dispute? Angela: You already did me. Michael: That's what she said. [Jim mouths these words along with Michael] The thing is, Angela... you are in here an awful lot. You have complained about everybody in the office, except Dwight, which is odd because everyone else has had run ins with Dwight. Toby, by the way, what does 'redacted' mean? There is a file full of complaints in here marked 'redacted'... ? Toby: Yeah, it just means whoever complained came to me later and withdrew it, so I took their name off. Michael: Oh, ok. There were a bunch of complaints about Dwight that were put in the redacted file about six months ago. Dwight: Whoa.. wha... wait. If someone has a problem with me, why would they withdraw it six months ago? Pam: [notices Angela's intense concern] Um... let's move on. I volunteer. Did anyone have a problem with me? Michael: All right, Pamela. Come on down! Let's do it! And [looks through the file]... okay. Just one complaint. Actually, it has been withdrawn. So that is no help to us. Next. Pam: Wait, what did it say? Michael: Uh... [reading]'Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn't she do that at home?' [Pam looks Angela an angry look] Who else? Why don't we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally, all right? Pam: I have this kind of big secret about Angela. And I've been really nice to her... and I haven't told anyone. And what the hell?! Michael: Here is a Kelly complaint: 'Ryan never returns my calls.' Ugh, join the club. Ryan: My voicemail's really spotty... sometimes... Kelly: I didn't file a complaint. I was just talking. Toby: To your HR representative. Kelly: To my friend, I thought. I want that withdrawn. Toby: Fine, I'll take your name off. [looks at Michael] So no one will know. Michael: [crumbles up the complaint paper] Makin' progress. [Jim raises his hand] Yes? Jim: Dwight tried to kiss me. Michael: What?! Jim: And I didn't tell anyone because I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Dwight: That is not true. Redact it. Redact it! Jim: Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it. Dwight: Okay, question. [looks at Toby] When a name is withdrawn, does that also apply to the permanent misbehavior file in New York? Toby: Sure. Michael: Stanley. [off camera] Pam: [gets up and walks over to Angela, whispering to her] Hey. Thanks for ratting me out! Michael: [still of camera] You got a lot of anger under there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it. Anglea: I didn't do it! [Michael and Stanley continue to talk off camera, but it's inaudible] Pam: I find that hard to believe... considering you have problems with every single person in this entire office except Bobblehead Joe. Michael: Someone complained that the men's room is 'whites only'. Stanley, you know that's not true. Stanley: I didn't say that. Creed: Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door? [Michael, along with the camera, look at the standard stick man on the bathroom door.] Michael: Okay, Phyllis. You complained that Angela's giving you dirty looks. And you tried to get off the party planning committee. Phyllis: No, I never said any such thing. Angela and I are close. Michael: And... also, Phyllis, Stanley says that you cry too much, and that bugs him. Phyllis: Stanley and I are close, too. Stanley: We sit close. Michael: Oh... ok. Toby: [sits down for his ID picture] Just take it. [flashes goes off, while he is standing back up again] Pam: I can't believe Angela. I went against my better judgment, and I gave her a Save The Date. And now it turns out she complained about me to Toby. Jim: Well, it was redacted. Look, if she wants an invite, maybe she's just trying to be friends. Pam: Don't take her side. Jim: [sighs] Well, what does Roy think about everything? Pam: I don't know. I try not to bother him about this kind of stuff. Jim: You mean your thoughts and feelings? Pam: Yeah. Jim: Yeah... Phyllis: I know you keep saying it's your space, even though there's no assigned parking, but I keep forgetting. Angela: Yes, that's the problem. Phyllis: I guess so... Michael: Okay, well... all settled, then. Phyllis: [whispering to Angela] I don't like you. Michael: OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell? Creed: I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death. Michael: All right, Kevin. You are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable. Kevin: I accept your decision! Jim: Hey... you know what, Dwight? Maybe we should get our photo I.D. taken together. Dwight: That doesn't make any sense. Jim: Well, it saves time, you know. 'Cause we could just meet in the parking lot every morning. Walk in together. Perfect. Photographer: [to Dwight, who is sitting in front of the camera] Smile. Dwight: No. Dwight: I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life. Jim: This came out really well. [picks up Dwight's I.D. from the laminating machine and hands it to Dwight] There you go. Dwight: This is humongous. I am not a security threat... Jim: Oh. Dwight: And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'. Jim: What did I write? Dwight: I have another complaint for Jim's permanent file. Toby: Talk to Michael. I gave him the box. Dwight: What box?! Phyllis: But I didn't report your snoring- Stanley: Wednesdays, tearful. Tuesdays... [Dwight walks in and rummages through his complaint box] Michael: Uh. Dwight. Dwight: Ah... agh... dgh... Ahh! No, no! Four years of malfeasance unreported. This cannot stand. Michael: Okay! Calm down. Dwight: No! You calm down! Who's side is Toby on? Who's side are you on? Michael: Hey, hey! Dwight: Him or me? Michael: Stop. Dwight: Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore. Michael: Okay... Dwight: Either he goes, or I go. Michael: Dwight... Dwight: You choose! Michael: Stop... Dwight: One of us is out of here by the end of today! [runs out] Michael: Oh... kay... Dwight: I am not bluffing! Michael: Okay. Dwight: Okay? Michael: Yes. Dwight: Do the right thing here, Michael. Okay, I have served you loyally for years. Michael: Mm-hmm. Dwight: I deserve this. You know I do! Michael: [picks up Dwight's I.D. and snickers] You know your I.D. says you're a security threat? Dwight: You have till five. Dwight: Oh, look, Jim. There's a sales manager position open in Stamford. Want me to call Jan and tell her you're interested? I could put in a good word for you, 'cause I'll still be working here. Transfer! Transfer! Everybody! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer! Michael: Okay... you two, in the conference room with me. Nobody leaves until we work this out. Cage match! Michael: Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage. Michael: Okay, so Dwight, in your own words - [reads from complaint paper] 'Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.' [flips to another paper] 'Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.' Jim: [laughs] Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it. Michael: [reading] 'This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer.' [flips to another paper] 'Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.' Gah. 'This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.' Jim: That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out. Michael: [reading] 'Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'.' Jim: Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though. Michael: By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.' Jim: Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day. Michael: The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful. Jim: Maybe Stanford would be cool. Dwight: It's a good market. Higher volume. Jim: Yeah. Maybe we should both go. Dwight: I have a girlfriend... Jim: Sure you do, Dwight. Sure. Michael: Hey, there's like, 300 more of these. Let's get to them later. Dwight: So, you going to transfer Jim or not? Michael: Maybe, I haven't decided yet. Let's get to work. Dwight: I want an answer by tomorrow. Michael: Okay. Oh... actually, tomorrow's not good. How about later in the week? Dwight: Fine. Michael: Good. Okay. Michael: Hey! Wait. How about a group picture while you're here? Photographer: I can't. I only get reimbursed for the I.D. photos. Michael: Well... that's... what, a computer camera, right? Photographer: You mean digital? Michael: It'll take like two seconds. Photographer: 20 bucks. Michael: Ugh... All right. Everybody, [looks around at the employees] come on. Group photo for the newsletter. Stanley: You gotta be kiddin' me. Michael: Come on, everybody. Dwight: Come on, let's go. Creed, Kevin, Oscar... andale! Let's go. Photographer: One, two, three... smile. [camera flashes, but no one smiles] Try to smile. Michael: We resolved a lot today, everybody. Think happy thoughts. Photographer: Alright, I'm just gonna take it on three... whether you smile or not. One, two, three. [camera flashes] Michael: Good, let's check that out. [looks at preview screen] Ew, okay, all right. One more. We'll take one more. Photographer: That'll be another 20. Michael: What? Pam: Angela, I want to talk to you about something. Michael: [off camera] You just press the button. Angela: What? Jim: No, Pam. Pam: [looks at to Jim] I am. [looks at Angela] It's about the Save The Date. Jim: Pam, it wasn't her. Pam: What?! Jim: I'm the one who complained about you. Jim: I... I didn't know that Toby was gonna write it down. [the camera flashes] I was just venting. Michael: [off camera] Okay, good. Check that out. Jim: You know, it was one day. Michael: [off camera] That's terrible. Jim: And I took it right back. It was like... Pam: Okay. Phyllis: Oh, dear. Michael: [off camera] Let's pay Mr. Price Gouger. [rejoins the group, on camera] Okay... we can do this. Come on, everybody. All right. Here we go. [flash goes off before he sits down] Michael: It was really hard getting a good picture of fifteen people. He would not give me a good discount. And eight tries added up. Michael: [flashback the photo being taken] One, two..[flash goes off] Didn't say three, did I? Michael: But, I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end. When people work together, there is going to be conflict. You can't outrun your problems. Jim: [on Pam's answering machine] Hey, Pam... it's Jim. Um, I have a doctor's appointment in the city. So I probably won't be in till the late afternoon. Just thought I'd let you know. Okay, bye. [camera shows Jim sitting on a waiting coach in another Dunder Mifflin office] Female worker: Okay, Jan will see you now. Jim: Oh, thanks. Michael: And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here's the thing about cage matches: sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand. Dwight: [elevator bell dings] What is this? What happened here? Jim: I don't know. Dwight: Oh, this does not look good. Did anyone see what happened around my desk area this morning? Jim: Dwight, I really think someone's probably just playing a prank on you, so just go right through it. Dwight: A prank, huh? This is official police line tape, okay? It's not a prank. Jim: Probably is. Dwight: Damn it, people! Someone must have seen something! [Jim's cell phone beeping] Oh, you people are useless. Jesus. Pam: [telephone ringing] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Hold, please. Dwight, it's the Sheriff. He said that it's really important. It's regarding your desk. I'll transfer. Dwight: Oh, no, no, don't! I can't... [groans] [telephone ringing] Jim: Just cut through it, man, it's no big deal. Dwight: This is why I'm a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy and you're not. Jim: That is not why. Wow, man, he really wants to get in touch with you. Maybe it's a murder. Dwight: No, there's no blood. Jim: Maybe poison? Dwight: Possibly. Jim: My God! Dwight: [exclaiming in fear] No, Jim, no! [Jim knocks Dwight's phone off its cradle] [yelling toward the phone] Sheriff, this is Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy Dwight Schrute. Press the pound key! What's your 20? Michael: Nothing much is happening today. We are having our photo IDs taken. Whoop-de-doo. Can't always be like The Apprentice. Ryan: I know. Michael: On Big Brother, something important happens every day. But real life is not like that. Photographer: [Dwight slurping] Okay, here we go. One, two... Dwight: He sometimes wears glasses, write that down. Also, that may not be his real hair. Michael: I hate it when people don't tell each other why they're angry. My dad was like that. I would say, 'What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad?' Over and over and over. And he would just look at me like I was an idiot. Dwight: I'm the one who petitioned the office board to have these ID badges taken. Photographer: So there were no death threats? Dwight: Let me see your ID. Michael: There is this old story about two women who each think they are the mother of this baby. And they can't decide, so they bring the baby to a wise man. Just like a manager in those days. And the wise man says, 'I will adopt this baby and raise it as a Hindu.' See? They didn't expect that. And that fixed it. Because I think he was the dad anyway. Michael: There are dozens of old complaints in here. Cold cases, like the show. [imitating gonging] And Toby is a lazy detective who has decided that these armed robberies and rapes and murder/suicides are not important enough to solve. Well, you know what? I have a problem with that. And I'm going to open up these cases before Toby can kill or rape another person. Photographer: All right. Pam: That's not bad. Hey, do you do weddings? Photographer: Would you seriously want your wedding photos to look like that? Jim: Not bad. Dwight: I gave her a higher clearance than you. Jim: What does Level Red mean? Dwight: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. [laughing maniacally] Meredith: Wait. [puts eye drops in] [Photographer takes the shot and her eyes are closed] Kevin: No, wait. [put on a hat] Yeah. Phyllis: You must have misdialed. This is Phyllis. No, I'm not sure what his extension is. [glares at Stanley as he glares right back] Michael: Wow! I never thought Dwight would go postal. It's always the person you least expect and I always thought Dwight would go postal. Phyllis: Come on, Dwight, I think it's actually healthy to get it off your chest. Dwight: I'm done talking. I am a Schrute. We don't back down. Phyllis: You're arrogant and pompous, and I don't like you. Michael: Cage Match'? I don't know if it was in the packet from corporate, because I barely read any of it. So if you're asking if I stole their idea, the answer is no. Hank the Security Guard: Excuse me, sir! Dwight Schrute, is that your real name? Dwight: Yes, sir. Kevin: Morning. Hank the Security Guard: Good morning. Okay, go ahead. Dwight: Thank you. [elevator door closes] No, come on... God!

Michael: Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night and we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer. It's just... It's nice to know at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and say, 'Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening.' Makes you feel good. Jim: Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two? Dwight: I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years. Pam: It's a nice tux. Dwight: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom. Roy: So, what's the deal? We gotta pay for our own drinks? That's lame. Pam: Come on, it'll be fun, and besides, I'm a roulette expert. Dwight: Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance. Jim: I can always kind of win at roulette. Dwight: Oh, really? Mmm-hmm. Jim: Yeah. Dwight: How would you do that? Jim: Mind control. Dwight: [laughs] You can't be serious. Are you serious? Jim: Ever since I was a little kid, like, eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind. Dwight: I don't believe you. Continue. Jim: It was just little thing, you know, like I could make something shake or I could make a marble fall off the counter. You know, just little things. Dwight: [scoffs] That's ridiculous. You know what? Uh... Why don't you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone! Attention in the office, please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead. Jim: Okay, I'll try. [The coat rack wobbles] [Pam holds up an umbrella handle to the camera in another scene] Dwight: Oh, my God. Michael: I try not to think of it as lagging behind. It's more of a David-and-Goliath thing. Jan: [on phone] Yeah, but... Well, the fact of the matter is that your branch is currently number four of the five branches that I oversee. Michael: Top 80 percent! Jan: Michael? Michael: Yeah? Jan: You know that I'm very serious here. Michael: Jan, listen, I promise that I will kick it up a notch. Bam! Jan: What? Michael: Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you, not that I have you or have ever had you, but we're having our Casino Night tonight and I think everyone would love to see their fearless leader here. Jan: I thought that you were their fearless leader. Michael: I am, but you are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez. Jan: [laughs] I think you can handle it. Michael: Oh, come on. Come on. Jan: I think so, Michael... Michael: You know, it'd be fun. I can hear it in your voice. You need a break. Jan: Goodbye, Michael. Michael: Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day. Michael: Okay, everybody. Tonight's event is to benefit the Boy Scouts of America. Oscar: Again? We do that every year. Michael: Well, they need our money. They don't have cookies like the Girl Scouts. Oscar: It'd be nice to do something for people who are actually suffering. Michael: Well, Oscar, if you don't like it, then you should concentrate on winning. Because the person at the end of the evening with the highest chip count will receive $500 to donate to the charity of their choice. And they will get a mini-fridge compliments of Vance Refrigeration. Dwight: Yes! Michael: So get your charities in to Pam. I, for example, am playing for Comic Relief. Jim: That doesn't exist anymore. Michael: Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people. Pam: No, they stopped making that show. Michael: Well, then, they need our money more than ever. Angela: You have to pick an approved, non-profit organization. Creed: There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays. I'll probably give the money to them. Kevin: Something with animals. Or people. Kelly: Kobe Bryant has a foundation, and he is Angela: We are giving money that has been gambled. Why don't we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves, and donate that money to charity? Michael: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna... Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's... You know, there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse and it's a school night... And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going? Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS. Jim: I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan. Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS. Phyllis: Afghani. Michael: What? Phyllis: Afghani. Michael: That's a dog. Pam: No, that's Afghan. Michael: That's a shawl. Dwight: Wait, canine AIDS? Michael: No. Humans with AIDS. Creed: Who has AIDS? Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananies. Michael: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried. Michael: There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians, JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. 'I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head.' [laughs] And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams. Jim: What are you doing? Pam: Oh, nothing. Jim: Till Death Do Us Rock.' Pam: They're wedding bands. Jim: Oh. Pam: Roy was supposed to pick the band, but he's concentrating more on the bachelor party now. Jim: Wait, wait, where you going? I mean, even if you don't hire a band, you still have to watch the bands. Pam, these are people who have never given up on their dreams. I have great respect for that. And, yes, they're all probably very bad and that will make me feel better about not having dreams. Pam: There's a KISS cover band in here. Jim: Let's do it. Pam: I'm pretty happy these days. I'm getting married soon and I'm getting along with everybody at work. Jim: Why did I talk to Jan about transferring? Well, you know... I have no future here. Michael: I have already put down the deposit. Do you understand how a deposit works? Darryl: Mike, I am not having fire-eaters in a paper warehouse. Michael: It's Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place. Darryl: Except my warehouse. Michael: Well, actually, it's my warehouse. Dwight: Actually, it's owned by Beakman Properties, and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease. Michael: Why are you here? Dwight: When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection. Michael: Not. I said, not that. Darryl: We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen. Michael: That's ironic. Darryl: What? Michael: That you are afraid. Darryl: Why? 'Cause I'm from the hood? Michael: Dinkin' flicka. Darryl: [sighs] Dinkin' flicka. Darryl: I taught Mike some, uh, phrases to help with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, 'Fleece it out.' 'Going mach five.' 'Dinkin' flicka.' You know, things us Negroes say. Michael: Give me some. [Michael and Darryl perform simultaneous hand gesture] Darryl: Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too. Jim: [Jim ejects a videotape from the VCR and puts in a new one] Wow. I don't know how you're gonna decide. They are all extremely good. Pam: I think I should hire them all. Do like Lollapalooza. Jim: Yes. Pam: Have three stages, yeah. Jim: Your mom would love that. She would. Oh, this band is called Scrantonicity. Pam: Oh. Jim: Let's take a look. Nice. Pam: Oh, wait. That's Kevin. On the drums. Jim: What? Pam: On the drums! On the drums! Jim: Oh, my God, that's Kevin! Great song, Kev. Oh, my God, he's the drummer and the singer. Kevin: We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often. We are all really hoping that Pam's wedding works out. This could be a turning point for the band. Jim: Wow. Oh! Pam: Oh, my... Jim: Yeah, you haven't seen that since 1983. That is amazing. Okay, we have to sign him. I'm gonna call the label, we're gonna... Pam: No! No! Jim: No, Pam, you're gonna lose him to another wedding. Pam: No, come back! No, no, no! Jim: Kev! Pam: Jim is great. Being with him just takes away all the stress of planning my wedding. Michael: [phone rings] Yes Pam: [phone rings] Michael, Carol Stills for you. Michael: Who? Pam: Carol Stills. Michael: Do I know a Carol Stills? Pam: Your realtor. Michael: Oh, yeah, put her through. Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it Pam: It's still me. Pam: Sometimes I don't put Michael through until he's already said something. I look at it as a practice run for him. He usually does better on the second attempt. Pam: Carol, you're on with Michael. Carol: [on phone] Hello, Michael? Michael: Hi, Carol. How you doing? Carol: I'm great. I just needed one last signature for your mortgage insurance. Michael: Oh, hey, no problemo. Incidentally, I love the place. Carol: Oh, great. Michael: Great. It has a little bit of a weird smell. It's okay. At Christmas, the tree helped. Carol: Oh, good, I'm glad. Can I drop it over later? Michael: Actually, I'm sort of hosting this charity thing in our warehouse, Casino Night. Carol: Oh, great. Michael: Yeah, it'll be good. You know what? Why don't you come by? Bring the papers, I'll sign them and then you can stay and have a drink. Carol: To the casino thing? Michael: Yeah. It'll be fun. What do you...[phone rings] What do you... Carol: What? Michael: Oh, I'm sorry. Could you hold on? Yes? Pam: Michael, Jan's on line two. Michael: Okay, put her through. [Deep voice] Jan Levinson, I presume? Pam: It's still me. Uh, Jan, here's Michael. Jan: Michael? Michael: Hey, Jan. How you doing? Jan: You know, I... I thought about it and you are right. Michael: I am? Jan: I could use a little fun. So, I am going to drive up for your Casino Night. Michael: Oh, okay. Jan: Incidentally, what is the charity? Michael: AIDS. Jan: Okay, then. I will see you tonight. Michael: Okay, sounds great. Jan: Bye-bye. Michael: Bye Hello, Carol? Hi, sorry about that. I just... Carol: No problemo. Michael: Right. Carol: To answer your question... Michael: Yeah? Carol: Yes. Michael: What? Carol: I'd love to go. Michael: Okay. Carol: I have to get a sitter, but that shouldn't be a problem. Michael: Problem. Good. Carol: And I'll bring the papers, too. Michael: Good, All right. Sounds great. Carol: I'll see you tonight. Michael: Bye. Carol: Bye. Michael: Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody. Pam: [People playing casino games as the actual Casino Night begins] Oh, my God! Roy: Yeah! That's great. Michael: Hey, hey. Carol: Hi. Michael: Hey, Carol. Carol: Hi. Michael: You look great. Carol: Thanks. Thank you for inviting me. It looks so great in here. Michael: Oh, well... Kiss. [Michael kisses her on the cheek, pauses and then kisses her on the other cheek] That's how we do it in the paper biz. It's European and... Yes? Ah, Dwight [Kisses cheeks] Dwight: Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson. Dwight: I'm Michael's wingman. I've got his back. Two dates. He's got two dates tonight. My job is to keep Jan away from Carol and vice versa. Michael said, 'We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.' Michael: Can I get you a drink? The food is from Hooters. Carol: Drink would be good. Michael: Okay. Creed: Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. You should see how many supplies I've taken from this place. Honestly, I love stealing things. Billy's Girlfriend: I'm gonna get a drink. Do you need anything? Billy: No, I'm fine. Thank's sweetheart. Billy's Girlfriend: Okay. Michael: Billy, your nurse is hot. Billy: That's my girlfriend. Michael: Your nurse became your girlfriend? Sweet. Billy: She was never my nurse. I met her at Chili's. She was my waitress. Michael: Chili's is great. Michael: Welkommen, Bienvenue, and welcome to Monte Carlo! Dwight. I am no longer your boss. Lady Fortune is your boss. Stanley: [Under his breath] Will Lady Fortune give me a raise? Michael: Shut it, shut it, shut it. Will Lady Fortune be your mistress? Only time will tell, my friends. Leave all your preconceived notions about casinos at the door. Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all! Great, okay. Shuffle up and deal. Let's get it started! Black-Eyed Crows. Dealer: Okay, the game is No-Limit Texas Hold'em. Good luck, everybody. That's at least four red chips to you, sir. Michael: All-in. [Other players fold their hands] Michael: Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. Did you believe me? Toby: I'll call. Michael: What are... That's insane. Toby: I have good cards. Michael: Well, Toby, I went all-in on the first hand, so doesn't that tell you that I might have good cards, too? So don't be stupid. Just take it back. Dealer: No, I'm sorry. He can't, sir. He's gone all-in. Michael: Okay, all right, whatever. Dealer: Flip them. Michael: You really screwed that up. [Michael leaves] Meredith: Wow. Toby: I don't really play cards, but I'm not gonna lie to you. It felt really good to take money from Michael. Gonna chase that feeling. Dwight: I expect to do very well tonight. I have an acute ability to read people. Jim, for instance, has a huge tell. When he gets a good hand, he coughs. Jim: [coughs] I will raise. [Dwight sighs and folds his cards] Thanks. Jim: It's the weirdest thing. Every time I cough, he folds. Carol: Wow, bad luck. Michael: Yeah, whatever. Hey, you know what? If luck weren't involved, I would always be winning. [Sees Jan] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Jan: Michael? Michael: Jan. Jan: Hi. Michael: Look, okay, I think we're all adults here, and it has always been my understanding that we have an open relationship. Jan: What are you... Just... Wait, what're you talking about? Carol: What does that mean? Michael: After you said you weren't coming, I invited Carol to come and I don't think that I did anything wrong. Jan: No. No, you didn't. Hi, I'm Jan. I'm Michael's boss. Carol: Hi, hi. Jan: Does anyone want a drink? Carol: No, I'm good. Jan: Okay. [Carol stares at Michael] Michael: Um... Dwight: Hey, hey. Michael: Hey. What... Dwight: Jan's here. Dwight: Give me the dice. Kevin: Come on, Dwight. Dwight: Let's go. Billy: It's all on you, baby. Let's go. Angela: Good evening, Dwight. What is this? Dwight: Evening, Angela. This is craps. I need to roll an eight. If I do, everyone wins. Kevin: Yes. Angela: Then roll an eight. Dwight: Thank you, Angela. Angela: Good luck, Dwight. Dwight: Yeah! Yeah! [Kisses Angela, she slaps him and walks away smiling] Kevin: Dwight, let's keep it going. Let's keep it going. Let's go. Oscar: Let it ride. Let it all ride. Dwight: Give me the dice! Jim: Yeah, right. Pam: Yeah, right,' what? Jim: What was this? [Makes face] Pam: [Laughs] I have good cards. Jim: Really? Pam: Mhmm, And I'm gonna take you all-in. Jim: Wow. I think you're bluffing. Kevin: Yeah, I think she's full of it. Pam: Straight. Jim: Oh. Three nines. Kevin: Pam. Jim Halpert, ladies and gentlemen. Jim: Thank you very much. It was fun. Jan: Cosmopolitan, please. Carol: Can I get a red wine? So, two hours? That's a long drive. Jan: Well, it's part of the job, you know? Keep an eye on things. So... Why not? So, how long have you and Michael been... Carol: Oh, well, actually, I guess this would be our first date. I guess. Jan: Casino Night in the warehouse. Good sport. Carol: Well, I'm having a nice time. Jan: Oh, me too. Me too. Ryan: One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can. Jim: So, that's still going on, huh? You and Kelly? Michael: All right! Dealer: The point is four. Shooter, roll it. Four! Dwight: Come on, shooter! Michael: Four! [Holds dice in front of Carol] Blow. Blow for luck! Yeah! Also, you. Not playing favorites. [Holds dice in front of Jan] All right, here we go! Carol: All right. Michael: Yeah! Dealer: Five. Michael: So close. So close. Dwight: Come on. [Turns to Jan] So where you staying? Radisson? Jan: What? Dwight: Super 8? Jan: No, I... Dwight: Motel 6? Best Western? Jan: I didn't... I don't know... Dwight: Holiday Inn? The Hyatt in Wilkes-Barre? You staying with Michael? Kevin: I won the 2002 $2,500 No-Limit Deuce-to-Seven-Draw Tournament at the World Series of Poker in Vegas. So, yeah... I'm pretty good at poker. Kevin: All-in. Phyllis: Okay, let's do it. Bob Vance: Good Luck, honey. Phyllis: Oh, thank you, Bobby. But it doesn't matter, it's just fun to play. Kevin: Three queens. Dwight: Nice, very nice. Phyllis: I have an ace. Oscar: No, that's a flush. Dwight: Oh, man! Phyllis: Oh, I have a flush! Bob: Yes! Phyllis: Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers! You wanna play again? Kevin: I suck. Roy: She took you down, huh? Kevin: I do not want to talk about it. Roy: Hey, I saw your tape. Your band, Scrantonicity? You guys rock. Kevin: Yeah? Roy: Yeah, you guys wanna play our wedding? Kevin: Awesome. Did Pam say it was okay? Roy: Whatever. I'm in charge of the music. Kevin: Dude, you will not be sorry. Roy: Sweet. All right. Kevin: All right. Jan: Smoke? Jim: No, thanks. You having fun? Jan: Fabulous time. I drove two and a half hours to get here. Jim: Yeah, we all really... Jan: Left work early, drove down here. And I am completely underdressed Jim: Well, I think you look great. Jan: Why did I hook up with Michael? Jim: Yeah, why did you? Jan: It was very late, Jim. Very... Very late and... Have you given any more thought to the transfer? Jim: Oh, yeah. Jan: Good. Have you told anyone? Jim: No. Jan: Well, you should. Bob: Excuse me. Big moment. The evening's chip leader and winner of this beautiful mini-refrigerator courtesy of Vance Refrigeration, Creed Bratton, Dunder Mifflin! Creed: Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator. Roy: Sorry, babe. I am just beat. Pam: It's okay. I'll see you at home. Roy: Okay. Hey, don't try to lose too much money, all right? Pam: Okay. Roy: If you still want a honeymoon. Hey, Halpert. Keep an eye on her, all right? Jim: Okay, will do. Roy: See you. Pam: Bye! Hey. Jim: Hey, how's it going? Pam: Good, especially after I took all your money in poker. Jim: Yeah. Hey, can I talk to you about something? Pam: About when you want to give me more of your money? Jim: No, I... Pam: Did you wanna do that now? We can go inside. I'm feeling kind of good tonight. Jim: I was just... I'm in love with you. Pam: What? Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just... Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that? Jim: I just needed you to know. Once. Pam: Well, I um... I... I can't. Jim: Yeah. Pam: You have no idea... Jim: Don't do that. Pam: ...what your friendship means to me. Jim: Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be Pam: I can't. I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault. Jim: Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship. Jan: Hey. I'm leaving. Michael: Hey, okay. Jan: So, I just wanted to congratulate you on a fantastic evening. You did the company proud. Michael: Thank you. Jan: And thanks for inviting me. You were right, I needed it. So, thanks. Michael: Okay. Thanks for coming. Jan: Nice to meet you. Carol: You, too. Jan: And you guys have a good time together. Michael: Okay. Talk to you Monday. Jan: Yeah. Carol: Goodbye. Michael: Good night. She's a good boss. Carol: She seems really nice. Michael: Oh, she's great. Michael: Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did. And Jan was really happy for me. So actually the hero got two girls. He got the girl that he works with and he got the girl that he buys real estate from. So, I've got my New York girl and my local flavor. Life is good. Pam: [On phone] About 10 minutes ago. No, I didn't know what to say. Yes, I know. Um, I don't know, mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am. [Jim enters] I have to go. I will. Listen, Jim... [They kiss] Michael: Everybody, in the conference room now, please. Thank you. Time is money. Dwight: Do you need anything? Michael: No. Dwight: Should I get water or donuts? Michael: No. Dwight: Come on, let's go. Take a seat. Oscar: What's going on, Michael? Michael: I want somebody to give me the name of one of our biggest competitors. Dwight: Office Depot! Michael: Good. Yes, that will work. All right. Now I need a plural noun. [All groaning] Pam: Apparently Michael has come up with a Dunder Mifflin Mad Lib, and he's making us play it with him. We are so happy. No. I'd like to choose a different adjective. Michael: How about a location? Dwight: The planet Caprica. Michael: Where the hell is that? Dwight: It's from Battlestar Galactica. Michael: Okay, all right. Stanley: I am going back to my desk... Michael: No, no, no. No, no, not until you give me an adjective. Stanley: Annoying. Michael: We already have that. So... Toby: Frustrating. Michael: No, Toby, damn it, come on! We already have that. I need something fun. Something like fat or smelly. Or pukey. Pukey. Pukey's good. Okay. Pukey. Now I need a noun. Phyllis: Ass. Michael: Good. Thank you, Phyllis. That wasn't so hard. All right, here we go. 'Office Depot is an annoying store. One day Creed went there to buy paper. And he ran into irritating Cylons.' Dwight: Yeah, get them, Creed! Michael: One of them was named Michael Scott, and he was an...' Oh, damn it. Okay. Okay, okay, we're... Okay, we're starting over. Dwight: My charity is the Farm Defense Fund. It's one of the best organizations that fights infestation of the beet armyworm. Jim: My charity is the Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Department, because Dwight's a Volunteer Sheriff. So I thought this was a perfect opportunity to support/mock him. Dwight: I don't believe that Jim moved that coat rack. But if he did, he has an obligation to use his gift wisely. With great power comes great responsibility. They could do a cross-section of his brain to find out more. But I don't think it's true, though. Michael: Look, if anything goes missing, we will reimburse. Darryl: Yeah. Can Dunder Mifflin afford that? Michael: Dang! Paper making paper, I.e. money. Darryl: What? Michael: Paper money. [clears throat] Yeah. The company's doing fine. Darryl: Mike, we're not shipping as much as we did last year. Michael: Hey. Okay. You know what? Don't even think. I command you to just go down and have fun tonight. All right? Don't think about it. Michael: Our numbers are down, yes, but we have a heck of a crew here in Scranton. Hardworking, motivated, dynamic. Every single last one of them. They follow my lead. I sort of set the tone. And it doesn't hurt that my ex works for corporate. Jan loves this branch, and I think that's really more than half the battle. Pam: It is extremely stressful, planning a wedding by yourself. It's like a job. I mean, it's fun, but it kind of becomes like work. I've already planned it all out in my head. But it's just in my head. Meredith's Vet: Hey. Meredith, right? Meredith: Oh, God. Oh, no. I have this problem all the time. I never remember people I've had sex with. Meredith's Vet: I'm your vet. Meredith: Oh, right. Meredith's Vet: And we had sex in the parking lot.

Ryan: Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's uh, old job. Which means at my 10 year high school reunion it will Jim: [after 'the kiss'] You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that. Pam: Me too. ...I think we're just drunk. Jim: No I'm not drunk. Are you drunk? Pam: No... [Jim leans in for another kiss] Jim- Jim: Are you really gonna marry him? [Pam nods] ...Ok. Dwight: [sobbing] Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! [serious] Michael: No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody 'faggie'. Why would anybody find that offensive? Toby: OK I think Oscar would just like if you used 'lame' or something like that. Michael: That's what faggie means! Toby: No not really... Toby: Apparently you called Oscar 'faggie' for liking the movie Shakespeare in Love more than an action movie. Michael: It wasn't just an action movie, it was Die Hard! Toby: All right Michael, but Oscar's really gay. Michael: Exactly! Toby: I mean for real. Michael: Yeah, I know. Toby: No, I mean he's attracted to other men. Michael: OK, a little too far, crossed the line. Toby: OK, I am telling you, Oscar is an actual homosexual. Yeah, he told me this morning. And, obviously he hopes he can count on your discretion. Michael: I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't... You don't call retarded people 'retards'. It's bad taste. You call your friends 'retards' when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend. Michael: Listen man, I am so sorry. I had no idea. Oscar: No, it's fine. Michael: No. No it's not. I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people 'faggie' since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way, you know? I'm just... I, I can't even imagine... the... thing. Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude. Oscar: That sounds like a great, wonderful idea, let's do that. Angela: [in reference to Oscar being gay] It explains so much. Oscar: No, I'm not gay. And I don't understand why anyone would think, that I'm gay... if... [sighs] Uh... yeah I'm gay. Jim: I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure that it is certainly not more flammable. Jim: Why did I transfer to Stamford? I think that's pretty obvious. I got promoted! And you can't beat that view... right? Andy: Hey, Big Tuna! You're single right? Jim: Uh-huh, yeah. I am. Andy: She's pretty hot huh? [Jim nods] She's completely crazy. Steer clear Big Tuna. Head for open waters. Jim: OooOK. Andy: OooOK. Jim: I ate a tuna sandwich, on my first day. So, Andy started calling me Big Tuna. ...I don't think any of them actually know my real name. Andy: Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know? Cut your throat to get ahead kind of guy, but I mean I'm not threatened by him. I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it? [laughs] I graduated in four years. I never studied once. I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the acappella group, 'Here Comes Treble.' Josh: So, end of day we are going to have a little diversity policy refresher, because of some more problems at the Scranton branch. And I have a list of business startups I got from the chamber. Yes, I am going to need someone to cold call them. Jim: Oh, I can do that. Karen: Jim's nice enough. I dont... I don't know how well he's fitting in here. He's always looking at the camera like this. [makes classic 'Jim'-camera face] What is that? Michael: Can you tell who's gay and who's not? Dwight: Of course. Michael: What about Oscar? Dwight: Absolutely not. Michael: Well, he Dwight: Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so... Michael: [deep sigh] There could be others... I need to know. I don't want to offend anybody else. Dwight: You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive. Michael: Yeah, I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay. Michael: Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman. Dwight: I really don't think so. Michael: I don't know, I can imagine her with another woman, can't you? Dwight: [creepy smile] Michael: Do some research. Find out if there's a way to tell by just looking at them. Dwight: Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online. Michael: That's ridiculous. Dwight: Yeah probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot. Michael: [sighs] Let's call him and get the website. Dwight: Definitely. Jim: What's gay-dar? Michael: Well, they're sold out. Dwight: Damn. [thinks] I'll try Brookstone. Jim: I miss that. Roy: Chicken or fish? Pam: [loud sigh] Chicken. Roy: So you havin' a good day? Pam: Excellent, thanks. Roy: Good, glad. OK. Pam: Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding. I got cold feet, a few days before. And I can't really explain it. I just had to get out of that relationship. We still had to pay for all the food. So we froze it. But I'm, I'm doing well. I have my own apartment. I'm taking art classes. And I have lunch for the next five weeks. Roy: After Pam dumped me, I um, I kinda stopped taking care of myself there, and uh, I hit bottom when uh, drunk driving arrest. I've been working out and um, you know, I'm not gonna take her for granted. I gotta win her back. Stanley: I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store, and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster. So now my house has got two toasters. Kelly: That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you. Oscar: Yes I'm super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company, Scranton. Much like, um, sir Ian McClellan. Angela: Sure, sometimes I watch Will and Grace... and I want to throw up. It's terribly loud. I do like it sometimes when Harry Connick Jr. is on. He's so talented. Andy: OK. Who put my calculator in Jello? Good one. But uh, seriously, guys who did this? Seriously guys, who did this? I need to know who put my calculator in Jello, or I'm gonna lose MY FRICKIN' MIND! Jan: You know, it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so obtuse about sexual orientation. Michael: I watch the L Word. I watch, Queer as F***, so... Jan: That's not what it's called. Toby: OK, Michael, are you aware that you ousted Oscar today? Michael: What? What does that even... Jan: Coming out, is a significant moment for a gay person, and they should be allowed to select the timing and manner of announcing it. Michael: Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade? It's not like gay... shame festival. Toby: All right, now Oscar's feeling discriminated against by his co-workers, primarily Angela, and um, that's your fault. Michael: I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about? Jan: NO! Michael: I don't kn- Jan: No, it's not possible. Michael: Anything's possible. Jan: You know, imagine... you were gay. Michael: [laughs] Well, I'm not gay Jan, and you should know that better than anybody! Jan: Michael, your immaturity is extremely disappointing and may even lead to a lawsuit which is the absolute last thing this company needs right now. Do you understand? Michael: The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays. Oscar: Am I the first gay man you ever knew? Michael: Trick question! Cause you can't always tell, so... how would I know. Is that the right answer? Pam: Michael, Dwight's looking at gay pornography on his computer. Dwight: Uh, Michael knows Pam. He asked me to do this just for him. He has his own reasons. Michael: [looking at gay porn] Nothing wrong with this stuff. At all. This is fine. You know what. Gay porn, straight porn, it's all goooooood! I don't particularly get into this. But uh, you know what. I totally see the merit! And actually... it is quite beautiful. Dwight: Ah damn pop-ups. Oscar: What are you doing?! Angela: Watching some of your friends. Michael: [yelling] All right, everybody in the conference room! I don't care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! JUST GET IN HERE! RIGHT NOW! Michael: Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant lame. And now it means a man, who makes love... to other men. Michael: We're all homos! Homosapiens. Gays aren't necessarily who you think they are, people. I mean anybody could be gay. Business-men. Like antique dealers, or hairdressers, or... accountants. Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out, to everybody here. However you want to do it. Go ahead. Stand up. I'm doing this for you. Oscar: Yes I'm gay. And I didn't plan on sharing that part of my life with you today, so, whatever. Can I sit down now? Creed: : I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties I made love to many many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain. And it was possible a man slipped in, and there would be no way of knowing. Michael: Who should be the judges and juries of our society? Angela: Judges and juries! Michael: Yes, that's a good point. She has a good point. Because gay marriage currently is not legal, under U.S. law. I bet a lot of straight men wish that applied to them. So they could go out there and have some torrid unabashed monkey sex as much as they could. You know? Sounds pretty good, right? Kevin: : That sounds great. Dwight: I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them. Oscar: No one else in this office is gay. Dwight: What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine! Phyllis: I'm getting married to Bob Vance. Michael: That's great. Congratulations Phyllis. That is great, and frankly kiiiiiiiind of amazing! [laughs] See? Everybody has a chance! Michael: But still, Phyllis, in college? Did you ever experiment with other women? A lot of women do! Phyllis: No, you knew me in high school. Course, we all thought you were gay in high school. Michael: [laughing] Right! [serious] And I take that as a compliment. Phyllis: Well with your ties and your matching socks and - Michael: Well, I just like to look good OK, so - Oscar: You sound pretty defensive Michael. Michael: No, I am just coming out myself. I am coming out hetero! Oscar: I think the problem with this office is that Michael: No no no. The only signal that I am sending is: Michael: Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you have ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers, and just... I would be waving that rainbow flag. Oscar: I don't think I can work here any longer. This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life. Michael: You misunderstand- OK. You know what, OK. I uh, I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is. You ready? I am going to embrace Oscar. You might want to watch this Angela, because you can't catch anything. Here we go. We are going to make a statement. You and I are going to make a statement together. Oscar is my friend - Oscar: I would rather not. Michael: ...and I just don't care who sees it, doesn't bother me! Oscar: No, NO! I don't want to touch you, ever consider that? You're ignorant, and insulting, and small! Michael: All right, um... sorry. Oscar: Michael... I'm sorry. That was a good idea. Come on, come on. [Oscar and Michael hug] Michael: [sobbing] I'm sorry I called you faggie. You're not faggie. You're a a good guy. Dwight: Michael appears to be gay too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend. Michael: [embracing Oscar]You know what, I'm going to raise the stakes. I want you to watch this. And I want you to burn this into your brains. Because this is an image that I want you people to remember for a long time to come. Whenever you come into the office I want you to think about this. [awkwardly kissing Oscar] I did it. See. I'm still here. We're all still here. [everyone claps] Michael: [Dwight gets up to kiss Oscar] Oh come on! Dwight! Come on, man! Michael: We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature. But we can't lose the spirit of child like wonder. What is love... anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar... and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should stand in their way? Michael: I am glad that today spurred social change. That's part of my job as regional manager. But you know what? Even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed. ...that's what she said. Or he said. Michael: Oh, there's Gill. Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows? Oscar: I was going to quit. But Jan offered me a three month paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue. Gill and I are going to Europe. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay. Dwight: [reading the note with the gay-dar] 'Hope this helps. -Jim' Nice! Oscar: [Dwight is running the gay-dar over Oscar's body] What are you doing?! Dwight: Shhh. Don't be scared. [gay-dar beeps over Oscar's belt buckle, Dwight smiles] It works. [gay-dar goes off next to Dwight's belt buckle] ...oh no. Jan: [on speakerphone] Okay, what is your goal for after lunch? Michael: I will do my job to the best of my abilities. Jan: [under breath] Heaven help us. [aloud] Specifically. Michael: I will do my Jan: Specifically Michael: Specifically, Jan, I will make at least ten phone calls to clients. Michael: Yes, I have to begin every day by letting Jan know what I intend to accomplish, and then I have to call her at the end of the day to tell her what I Jan: [on speakerphone] Are you on the toilet, Michael? Michael: [quietly] No. Jan: Well, I know sometimes you are and... that you wouldn't tell me, so I'm just going to assume that you are, and call me back when you're finished. Michael: Okay. [Jan hangs up. Toby opens the office door.] Toby: Michael? Michael: [sigh] Michael: Hi, honey. You holding up? Pam: Yup. Michael: Yeah. Pam: I'm... painting my new apartment tonight. Michael: Oh, good. By yourself? Pam: Yes. Michael: Aw. Well, hang in there, okay? You know what? You should get one of this big body pillows. That way you wouldn't miss you-know-who so much. Pam: Thanks. Michael: Roy. Pam: Right. Pam: What do I think? I think everybody should stay out of everybody's personal business! Oscar: Yes, I'm gay. Meredith: [shocked expression] Meredith: Why are all the best-looking single men always gay? Andy: Hey, Big Tuna. You ever Google Google? What do you think would happen? Jim: Let's find out. [starts typing] Andy: [makes frustrated noises] Jim: Oh! Lots of results. Andy: I didn't mean you should do it. You were supposed to ponder it. It's... You removed the fun. Thanks a lot, Big Tuna.

Michael: Pam? Pam: Yeah? Michael: Did you see Oprah yesterday? Pam: No, I didn't. Michael: I, uh... I am going to be a father. Pam: What was Oprah about? Michael: Angelina Jolie was on. And she adopted a baby from Asia, and she said that it changed her life. And that really inspired me. So, I want you to look into seeing how much a little Chinese baby would cost. Pam: That's a really big decision. Michael: I know. Pam: Maybe you should wait before you adopt. Michael: Well... Pam: Or not adopt. Michael: Just do it, okay? Pam: Roy's sister looked into it, and the application alone costs a thousand dollars. Michael: Um... find out if there's a cheaper, less expensive baby out there, okay? Pam: You know, she also said the waiting list is like eight months. Michael: Eight months? Pam: Yeah. Michael: I don't even know if I'll want a baby in eight months. Pam: You probably won't. Michael: You know what, Pam? If in ten years, I haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby... Pam: No, Michael. Michael: Twenty years. Pam: No, Michael. Michael: Thirty. Pam: Sure. Michael: It's a deal. Ryan: All right. Three pairs of pants. Three pairs of socks. Three packs of condoms. Michael: Yesh. Ryan: Uh, fun jeans. Michael: Right there. Ah. Angela: Sign. Michael: Per diem. Michael: Guess where I am going. I will give you a hint. It is a booze-fueled sex romp, where anything goes. You are correct, sir! I am headed to Philadelphia for the Annual Northeastern Mid-Market Office Supply Convention. And Jim Halpert is going to be coming, which will be fun. Poor little guy. He's been stuck working under Josh, the poor man's Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo. Dwight: Don't be mad, it is a business trip. Angela: But I don't understand. It's for managers. Dwight: Monkey, I am an A. R. M., Assistant Regional Manager. Angela: I know! It... I was just really hoping we could spend some time together. [A long silence.] Are you still there? Dwight: Yes, Monkey. Angela: Don't 'Monkey' me! You can't wait to get out of here, A. R. M. Angela: In the Martin family, we like to say, 'Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly.' That's code for 'check out the slut.' What is... why are there flies in here? Kelly: Oh my God! Are you so excited for tonight? I am so excited. You guys are going to click, I can feel it. So what are you wearing? Pam: This. Kelly: You look so pretty. Pam: Thank you. Pam: Yes, I have a date. He's a cartoonist for the local paper, which is really neat, because I like to draw too. I'm kind of nervous. I haven't been on a first date in nine years... probably shouldn't broadcast that. Kelly: Well, remember, no matter how much you may want to, do not sleep with him on the first date. It gives him all the power. Michael: Sleep with who? Whom, whom... whom? Kelly: My neighbor Alan. They're going on a date tonight. Michael: Oh, wow! Oh my God, I have a great idea. You know what you should do to be hilarious? Wear your wedding dress. It would be a great icebreaker. Dwight: And your veil. Michael: Yeah, do it! Pam: I'll probably just wear this. Michael: Really? Okay. Well, word of advice: unbutton that top button. Let those things breathe. Any message you want me to relate to Jim? Pam: Um... Michael: Um. Okay, um. Dwight: Um. Michael: You got that? Dwight: I got it. Michael: Write it down. Dwight: I got it. Dwight: Um. Michael: Um. Dwight and Michael: [singing] Um, um, um... Creed: There's my girl. I noticed you handing out some shekels. How would one get on that train? Angela: That was for per diem, for Philadelphia. Meredith: That town smells like cheese steaks. Angela: That town is full of history! Creed: Andrea's the office bitch. You'll get used to her. [introducing himself] Creed. Dwight: Can I have my neck pillow back? Michael! Can I have my neck pillow back? Josh: Hey, Michael. Michael: Hey, Josh, how ya doing? Josh: Pretty good. Michael: Good to see you. There he is! There's the traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here! Yeah! The product... the progidal... my son returns. Michael: I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It's like the firemen. You don't leave your brothers behind, even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut. Jim: It's really good to see you, man. Michael: Yeah! Wow, I didn't expect that. It's good to see you too! Dwight: Oh, hey, how's it going up there? Have you made any sales yet? Jim: Yeah, sold about forty thousand. Michael: Hey! Dwight: Shut up. That's impossible. Jim: No, it's not. I did. Yep. Dwight: Well, I did it too. Jim: You know, when I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke. I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key. Kevin: So did you hear? Toby: What? Kevin: Pam's back on the market again. Toby: Really? She's dating? Kevin: If I weren't engaged, I would so hit that. Dwight: So what kind of commissions you get up there? Jim: Oh, Dwight. I've missed you so much. Dwight: You're so immature! Josh: Listen, Michael, I heard you were a great salesman. Michael: Ah. Josh: And I just want to let you know that if our branch absorbs your branch, I'm going to look for a place for you at Stamford. Jan: Oh, hey! Dwight: Hey, Jan. Jan: We all checked in? Josh: Yes. Jan: Great, let's dump our stuff and meet back here in half an hour. Josh: Okay. Jan: Okay! Michael: Jan? Look, I think we need to set some ground rules. Jan: What are you talking about? Michael: The eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room. Carol. I'm still dating her, so nothing can happen between us at the convention. Jan: Step away from me, Michael. Michael: Thank you for being so brave with all of this. Thank you. Kelly: Alan's cartoon is so funny, right? Pam: Mm-hmm. Kelly: And they're, like, so smart. I don't even know what they mean half the time. Dwight: This party is going to be awesome. Michael: I know! That is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator. More foot traffic. Dwight: Check it out. Michael: That is crooked on that side. Dwight: Wow. Michael: Hey hey! Jim: That is a lot of liquor. Michael: Yeah. Jim: And a dart board. Michael: Well, that's how we do it in Scranton. Or did you forget? There ain't no party like a Scranton party, 'cause a Scranton party don't stop. Josh: We should probably head on down and hook up with Jan. Michael: Hey, well, we have time! One for the road, gentlemen? Josh: A shot of MIDORI, perhaps. Jim: Oh, no, sorry, it's an inside joke. There's this bartender at Stamford who, uh... you know what? You'd just have to be there. Michael: Wish I was. I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday. Josh: Um, we should... Jim: Yeah. Michael: All right, see you guys down there. Change your mind, come back up. Dwight: I'll do a shot, Michael. Michael: Ugh, that would be gross. It's not even lunch yet. Michael: SWAG! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG. Michael: Check it out. Hi, I'm Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin. Dwight: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin. Jerome Bettis: All right. Dwight: I'm a huge fan. Jerome Bettis: Thanks. I appreciate it, guys. Michael: You know what? I'm having a huge blowout tonight, Room 308. Hope you can come. Jerome Bettis: All right, maybe. If I can. Michael: Well, cool! Okay, so... can I tell people you're gonna be there? Jerome Bettis: No, you cannot. Michael: So maybe. See ya. Dwight: Why do they call him The Bus? Michael: Because he's afraid to fly. Dwight: Smile! Michael: Do you remember me from last year? There's a party in my room, 308, can't miss it, right off the elevator. Tonight. Be there! Josh: All right, Jan just emailed me. She wants us to meet her up front. Michael: Yep. Yeah, she's up front. Dwight: You don't have email on your phone. Michael: I don't have to, I just know. Yes, hello? Dwight: No one just called you. Josh: All right. Jim: All right, nice meeting you, Ted. Take care. Ted: I'll see you soon. Josh: Yeah, stop by later. Michael: [into phone] See you in a bit. Bye-bye. [to Dwight] May I have a moment of your time please? Michael: I need you to do something for me. Dwight: Yes. Anything. Michael: I want you to dig up some dirt on Josh. Find out if there are any skeletons in his attic. Dwight: I'll talk to my buddy down at the station, stat. Toby: Hey, Pam. Pam: Hey! What's up? Toby: It's, uh... I was... might ask if you wanted... Pam: [answering phone] Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. He's not in the office. Can I take a message? I will. You too. [hangs up] Sorry. What's up? Toby: Um, if, uh... um... I just completely forgot what I was going to say. It's so weird. Pam: Okay. Well, if you think of it, I'll be here. Toby: Okay. Dwight: So I called my buddy down at the station today. Had them run a background check on Josh Porter. See if there's any known aliases, et cetera. Michael: And? Dwight: He wasn't volunteering today. Michael: Business has been pretty crazy around the office. Jim: Oh yeah? Michael: Yeah. Moved Ryan over to your desk. Jim: Oh, tell him I say hi. Michael: I will call him later with that message. Jim: Hey, how is... Toby? Michael: Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry. Is he why you left? Jim: Oh, no, it was... you know, a good opportunity for me, a promotion. I got a chance to... Michael: Opportunity, promotion, blah, blah. You know, Jim, those are just words. Have you taken into account other factors, vis-a-vis bosses? Is Josh funnier than I am? Does he even have a girlfriend? Because I have two, basically. Jim: Michael, it's really not a competition. Josh: Jim got us a great lead with a new rep from National Envelope. We can grab lunch with them tomorrow. Jan: Great! Michael: Hey, Jan, Jan? Don't worry, I have got the tip. Dwight: Whoa. Michael. Waiter: Wow, oh my God, thank you. Michael: You're welcome. Dwight: Was that your per diem? Michael: No, that was a different hundred dollar bill. Jan: What have you generated, Michael? Michael: I have generated a lot of interest in my party this evening. Jan: What party? Michael: The party I'm having tonight in 308. Obviously, you are invited. Jan: Michael, um... Jim and Josh are in meetings all day. And I am in and out of meetings. I can't stay on top of you 24/7. Phyllis: You should order the most expensive thing on the menu, so he knows you're worth it. Stanley: If you do that, you're going to have to put out. Phyllis: Oh, yeah. You'll have to put out. Angela: Is there a key for Jane Doe? Thank you. Michael: Any messages for 308? All right. Michael: Hey hey, fellers. Jim: Michael. Dwight: Hey, Michael. Michael: What's up? Josh: Well, Jim and I have a meeting with Uni-ball in about forty-five minutes, so we should probably go now. Michael: Hey, check this out. How about that? A little friendly competition. Stamford versus Scranton. Josh: I don't think so. Michael: Oh, Jim. Looks like you picked a bad time to defect, my friend. Josh: Fine! All right. Michael: Okay! Excellent. Oh... Dwight: Keep the wing flaps. Michael: Shut it. [answering phone] Hey, Pam, what's up? Yep, yech... no. Tell him I will give him general specifics tomorrow, okay? Yes. [to others] Say hi to Pam! Jim, Josh, and Dwight: Hi, Pam. Michael: Yes. That is Josh and Dwight and Jim. [to others] Pam says hi. [into phone] Have fun on your date! Very good, talk to you later. Bye. Michael: You first. Dwight: Come on. Nice try, Josh! Michael: Not. It hit the rim. Okay, and... okay. Double or nothing. Josh: Or what? We didn't bet anything, Michael. Michael: Well, let's... Josh: Yeah, we should go. Michael: Come on! Josh: We gotta go. Michael: Come on! Josh: Uh... we'll do it later. Evan: Say, while I have you here, could I talk to you about some new and exciting advances to our product line? Michael: Fine. Michael: Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I think it's talking and being friends, and Jim thinks it's moving to Connecticut and being best friends with Josh. Well, phooey on that. I, uh, I'm done. I am not going to be speaking with him anymore. Whatevs. Long-distance relationships never work. Evan: That is so true. Ready? Michael: Okay, let me tell you what we're looking for. Evan: Great. Michael: Sorry, my meeting ran late. Jan: Really? Michael: Yes, Jan, really. With a rep from HammerMill. Josh: They're exclusive with Staples. Michael: Used to be. Evan will call you in the morning to work out the details. We can now sell HammerMill products. Dwight: Yes! Ha! Jan: Well, Michael, I underestimated you. Michael: Yeah, well, maybe next time you will estimate me. Jim: Dwight's room key. And... Dwight's room. What can I say? Old habits die hard. Angela: D? Jim: Oh my God. Dwight got a hooker! Oh my God, I gotta call... well, I gotta call somebody, I don't even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker! Kelly: So, Alan, Pam is obsessed with your cartoons. She reads them every day. Alan: Oh, great. Ryan: I don't want ketchup. Kelly: You love ketchup! He loves ketchup. Pam: So how do you come up with your cartoons? Alan: Well, I just, uh... I kinda think about stuff that I see, or dream them. Pam: You dream in cartoons? How fun! Michael: Hey, first guest! You are going to have some tequila, my friend. Guy: I thought there was a party in here. Michael: This is the party. Guy: This is room 308? Michael: Party central! So, what can I do you for? [Guy leaves] All right. Alan: See, this one is great, because it can work on a couple of different levels. Pam: Huh. Alan: [French accent] Freedom fries for the table. Pam: Freedom fries. Yeah. Alan: Yeah. I mean, people always say, like, 'Don't be edgy.' But I don't know any other way. Yeah, you get it. Pam: Well, it was, uh, it was really nice meeting you, Alan. Alan: Yeah. Next time bring some of your illustrations, I'll let you pick my brain. Pam: More freedom fries. Alan: Yeah. Pam: That's great. Alan: Okay. Pam: I went on a date. It wasn't a love connection, um... I think when I like someone again, I'll just kinda know. Jim: Michael. Am I the first to arrive? Michael: People have been filtering in and out. Jim: Can I get a drink? Michael: What? Jim: Can I get a drink? Michael: Sure. You like Cosmos? Jim: Yeah. Michael: Sure, sounds good. So why are you here? Is Josh busy? Jim: Michael... Michael: I get it! No, no, I totally get it. He made a better paper airplane, Stamford is better in sales... I get it. We had some fun. We had some laughs. And that's just... Jim: Wait, wait. I didn't transfer because of you. You're a good boss. You're a great boss. Michael: I'm not better than Josh. Jim: Michael, it's not about... I transferred because of Pam. Michael: Oh my God. You don't even know. She's single now. Jim: No, I just... I heard something about that. It's just, I kind of put it all on the line. Twice, actually. And she said no. Twice. Michael: I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. Hey, you know what? I will talk to her. Jim: Nope, that's okay. Michael: Yeah. Jim: That's all right. Michael: I will. I'll talk to her. You should at least talk to Roy. I mean, he knows exactly how you're feeling. Jim: Yeah. Okay, maybe. Evan: Are we early? Michael: Hey! No, you know, people have been filtering in and out. Jim: Hey. Michael: Evan, this is Jim. Jim: How are you? Evan: Hey, uh... Arnie Reisman. Michael, Jim. Michael: Hey, Ernie, how ya doing? Evan: Do you guys work together? Jim: No, we used to. Now we're friends. Michael: Best friends. Michael: Some people need dozens of friends to say, 'Hey, look at me, I'm popular.' But not me. I'm very picky. I need three, maybe two. When you meet that someone special, you'll just know. Because a real relationship, it... it can't be forced. It should just come about effortlessly. Michael: Now, would you do the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir? [lights go out, leaving Michael's black light on] Ha, ha, ha. Dwight: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Michael: Whoa. What are those stains? Dwight: Blood, urine, or semen. Michael: Oh, God, I hope it's urine. Michael: Today I'm headed to Philadelphia for the annual Northeastern Office Supply Convention. [makes horns gesture and heavy metal scream] Wooo-yaaaaah! Oh, these things tend to be kind of crazy. Michael: [Angela enters Michael's office] Ah. Angela: Sign. Michael: Per-diem. [singing as he signs] Perrrr-diiiiieeeemmmm! [shows off $100 bill to Ryan] You know, Ryan, it's all about the Benjamins. Ryan: [reading checklist] Fun jeans. Michael: [points to door] Right there. Ryan: Fourth quarter projections for Jan? Michael: Yes. What? Oh, yeah, have Pam give those to me. Ryan: Will do. Michael: Sure you don't want to come? Ryan: Yeah. Michael: Gonna be fun! Change your mind we can get you a cot. Ryan: [shakes his head] Michael: A couple of years ago, I went to one in Hartford. 'Connecticut.' And Todd Packer and I went to this bar and met a girl. And [laugh] Packer decides to make out with her. Turns out that her boyfriend is the bouncer at the bar. [laugh] I love this. The bouncer chases us out to Packer's Vette, jump in the Vette, he Michael: See that factory? Dwight: Mm-hm. Michael: I almost worked there. Dwight: No! Michael: Yup. Yeah, I applied for a job there. Dwight: What would you have done? Been manager? Michael: I was going to be a bottle capper. Dwight: You? A bottle capper?! [laughs in disbelief] Michael: I know, I know. Crazy world. Crazy, crazy world. Josh: Yes, I'm aware of Jan and Michael's... history. Um, I don't really like to talk about it 'cause it's unprofessional. Kind of gross. Michael: Josh reminds me of a guy I went to high school with. Big football star, girls loved him. Whatever. Guess what he's doing now. He's a TV announcer for the Eagles. Up in the... [laughs] He doesn't even get to play in the game, I mean. Dwight: So, you ever been convicted of a felony? Josh: What? Uh, no. [to Jim] Uh, I want you to make sure you call Karen and get her to fax that vendor list over. Dwight: Misdemeanor? Josh: Um... When I was in the Coast Guard, a couple of us broke into the women's barracks and we got arrested for trespassing. Dwight: Coast Guard? So you know how to fight underwater? Josh: [stunned] Jan: [Jim, Josh, and Jan walk in the hotel lobby] Josh, um... [Jim continues walking ahead] Why don't you come up to my room for a couple of minutes and we can just go over the schedule for tomorrow together. Josh: Can we do it over breakfast? It'll be... Jan: A quick drink? Josh: Thanks, but maybe another time. Jan: [putting on a good face] Great! [walks off]

Michael: [waiting on Pam to be done with the microwave] Ahhhhhhhhh. [whispering loudly] I'm hungry. Michael: Movie Monday! The only cure I know for the Monday blues is... Varsity Blues! Michael: Let's gooooo! Let's go, let's go, let's go! Dwight: [directing people to their assigned seats] Take a seat down there. Second from the end. Michael: Alright, everybody here? Yes. Pam: [walking in with a tray of six popcorn bags] Popcorn anyone? Michael: Yes pleeeeease! Thank yooouuu! Pam: [with five popcorn bags left] Anyone else? Nooo. Pam: Movie Monday started with training videos, but we went through those pretty fast. Then we watched a medical video. Since then, it's been half hour installments of various movies, with the exception of an episode of Entourage, which Michael made us watch six times. Michael: Entourage! Michael: Kevin, would you like to do the scenes from last week? Kevin: Yes! Dwight: Why him? Michael: Don't whine. Get the window. [Dwight exhales] Michael: Previously on Varsity Blues... Kevin: Ok. Billy-Bob, got a head injury, but coach made him play. So then Lance, he gets sacked, he's out for the year... Jan: [walking into an empty office because everyone is watching Varsity Blues] Hello? Dwight: Not everyone approves of Movie Monday. I won't say who. Angela: I don't approve. I don't. Jan: Hello? [Angela coughs and points to the conference room] Michael: [Jan walks in on Movie Monday] Hi Jan! Hope you brought the Milk Duds! Jan: How would a movie increase productivity Michael? How on earth would it do that? Michael: People work faster after... Jan: Magically? Michael: No... they have to... to make up for the time they lost watching the movie. Jan: No. Angela: [walking past Dwight's desk] Kitchen. Angela: Michael is going to get us all fired. You sat back and let him play that dumb movie, and now Jan is peeved off and we're all going to lose our jobs. Dwight: That's not going to happen. Angela: You know she has it out for him now. Dwight: That's not his fault! He had to follow his heart! Dwight: Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carol, Jan's been bitching out on him. Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also weak arms. Angela: Dwight, you should be running this office. Dwight: Michael would never let me... Angela: It's not up to Michael, it's Jan's call. Talk to her. Dwight: I could never do that! Angela: Fine! Sit back and do nothing and let us all get fired! Angela: I know that patience and loyalty are good, and virtuous traits. But sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair. Jim: At the Stamford branch, they all play this World War II video game called Call of Duty, and they're all really into it. I'm told it started as a team building exercise. Unfortunately I really suck at it. We didn't play many video games in Scranton. Instead we'd do stuff like, uh, Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high pitched note, and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And uh, Pam called it... Pretendenitus. Pam: [on the phone] Hey Kelly, my stuff just got here. [Kelly screams with excitement into the phone and Pam has to take it away from her ear] Pam: Kelly really likes to online shop. Soooo, I felt like I wanted some new clothes. I mean, I just, I wanted to, it just, I felt like it was time, to maybe um... just get new clothes. Pam: [pulling her new shirt out of a box] Ok. Kelly: [gasps] I love it! Pam: Really? I don't know. Kelly: You haven't even tried it on yet, try it on. Pam: Not at work, I'll try it on- Kelly: Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch! Pam: ...noooo Kelly: [clapping her hands in unison] Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch! Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch! Andy: Why did you do that?! Jim: I'm just killing Germans, any way I can. Andy: We're on the German team. Shoot the Brittish. Jim: [turning around to Karen] Wait, are we playing teams? Karen: [laughing] Yeah. Dwight: [outside in the parking lot, pacing back and forth] WAH! GAH! [breathing heavily] Jan: [answering the phone] Hello? Dwight: Is this Jan? Jan: Who is this? Dwight: This is Dwight Schrute. I am calling about an extremely sensitive matter. Jan: You should talk to Michael, and he'll talk to me, and that way we don't have to speak to each other. Dwight: It's about Michael. Jan: What about him? Dwight: [exhales] I can't talk here. It's too sensitive. Jan: It's not about a surprise party is it? Dwight: No, but we should discuss that another time. Jan: Look, I am already an hour outside of Scranton, Dwight, I'm not coming back. Dwight: Pull over at exit 40. There is a Liz Claiborne outlet. I know you like that store. Go inside and shop, until I can meet you. Jan: How do you know I like that store? Dwight: Many of your blouses are Claiborne's. Jan: How do you know that? Dwight: Part of my job. Jan: No it's not. It's officially not. Dwight: ...noted. Dwight: [walking into Michael's office] I'm going... to the dentist. Michael: Ok. Dwight: I have to have an emergency crown put in. Michael: Ouchy. Dwight: Yes. It's a new dentist. He's far. I might be gone... three hours. Michael: Three hours, wow. Have fun. [Dwight walks away staring through the blinds at Michael] Dwight: Did you get anything good? Jan: Yeah. Dwight: New blouse? Halter top? Camisole? Teddy? Dwight: I can save the branch. Jan: Really? Dwight: If you let me run it. Jan: Ok. Dwight: [excitedly] 'Ok' I can run it? Jan: What would you do differently? Dwight: Mostly get rid of waste. Which is half the people there. And clean house. [to waitress in diner] Right here. It's all for me. Thank you. Jan: Dwight, you must feel strongly, to speak with me this way, behind Michael's back, and turn on so many of your co-workers. Dwight: The decision to turn on Michael was difficult. [pouring way too much syrup on his food] But once I did it, I didn't look back. And mostly I feel that Michael would approve. It's really what's best for the branch. And I could care less about my co-workers. So [cutting his food, giving Jan a 'so there' look], here we are. It's all, on the table. I want... the branch. And I await your decision. Dwight: [shoveling waffles into his mouth] Oh, by the way. There's a new Ann Taylor outlet store near here. I know you like their earrings. Jan: [thinks for a second] Where is it? Jan: [on speakerphone with Michael] Michael. Michael: Hi. Jan: I just had a very interesting conversation with one of your employees. Michael: Oh. That's nice. Jan: No, it wasn't. Dwight just told me that he thinks he can run the branch better than you. Michael: ...what? Jan: Mm-hmm. Michael: ...you were at the dentist? Jan: You can't have people undermining you. Get control of your branch immediately. Michael: Ok. Michael: What was Dwight thinking? That he could turn Jan against me? She's my ex-lover! ...ish. Phyllis: [Pam walks out of the bathroom wearing her new red shirt] Woooooow. Kelly: It's Phyllis: It's really something. Pam: [smiling] It's too much. Kelly: What? Pam: I'm gonna return it. Kelly: No, you have to keep it today, just see how you feel. Roy: [walking into the break room] Hey. Pam: Hi. Roy: You look nice. Pam: Thanks. Kelly: Isn't that like your third soda today? Jim: Yeah I think we can be a big help to your company. [someone dims the lights, signifying that it's game time] Ok, see you next week. Bye. [to Karen] Again? Karen: Scared? Karen: [with her hands making the rocker sign] Call of Duty! Josh: [sounding upset] Andy, Jim, can I see you in the conference room for a minute? Andy: Now? Josh: Yes now. Andy: Put the game on hold everyone. Josh: This is not working, ok? We are getting slaughtered out there. Andy: It's the new guy. [looks at Jim] Jim: Oh, I'm sorry I don't know... what we're talking about... Andy: See what I mean? Josh: We just need a strategy, ok? We're going to set up a trap in the gun room. All right Jim, are you using the MP-40 or the 44? Jim: Um, sniper rifle? Josh: SNIPE- Andy: WHAT? Josh: JIM! Andy: Are you playing for the other team?! Josh: You don't snipe in Carrington, ok? Andy: Saboteur! Josh: Andy, it's not- Andy: Saboteur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game- the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you. Michael: Hey Dwight. Dwight: Hey. Michael: Do you want an M&M? Dwight: No thanks I'm stuffed. Michael: No seriously. You should have an M&M, they're really good. Dwight: ...ok. [takes and eats several M&M's] Michael: They're good, huh? Dwight: ...so good. Michael: Hey. I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put in. Dwight: They have this new kind of quick drying bonding, so... Michael: Sounds like a good dentist. Dwight: Oh, yeah. Michael: What's his name? Dwight: [long pause] Crentist. Michael: Your dentist's name is Crentist. Dwight: Yep. Michael: Huh. Sounds a lot like dentist. Dwight: Maybe that's why he became a dentist. Michael: Let me see your teeth. Let me see 'em. Let me see 'em. Dwight: [reluctantly opens his mouth and Michael peers inside] Ahh. Aaaah. Michael: You should... floss. Dwight: I know... Michael: [exhales] Well then... I am glad you're ok. Michael: Business is like a jungle. And I... am like a tiger. And Dwight, is like a monkey, that stabs the tiger in the back with a stick. Does the tiger fire the monkey? Does the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch? [smiling] Pun. There is no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger's head. We don't have the technology. Michael: Dwight, can I talk to you for a second? Michael: [in Michael's office] Wow, this is tough. Dwight: What? Michael: Ohhhh. Arrrgggh! Dwight: What is it? Michael: Well, I just got off the phone with Jan. And um... she demoted me. Dwight: No. Michael: Yeah. You know what the craziest part of this is? She demoted me to your job! Dwight: Gahh! Michael: And she said that you should be expecting a call later from corporate, and that um, I guess that means that you are going to be acting manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. Dwight: I can't believe this news. That- wow. Michael: I know. I told her I didn't know whether you'd wanna do it... because you've always been so loyal to me. You've been my most trusted ally. Dwight: You said that? Michael: Yep, I did. I did. But I think... you should do it. Dwight: Well... Gosh, if you think I should. Then I will. Michael: [exhales] Perfect, well, we're settled. Dwight: All right. Michael: All right. Well then, you are now acting manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, and I... am assistant regional manager. Dwight: Assistant to the regional manager. Thank you Michael, for staying on. I really appreciate it. Michael: Ohh.. Dwight: Hey... I can't imagine this place without you. Michael: [muttering] Can't you? That's so nice. Michael: Well... I guess we should go tell the troops. Dwight: Yeah, when I'm ready, Mike. [Dwight exhales, Michael looks at the camera] Ok let's do it. Michael: Hey, hi, hello. Everybody, I have some good news, and I have some bad news. I... am being replaced, as your leader, by Dwight. Phyllis: You're kidding... Michael: You might think that I am kidding, and I understand that. Angela: Congratulations Dwight. Dwight: Thank you Angela. Stanley: But... why Dwight? Michael: Because, Dwight... never lies. Stanley: How does that qualify him to run a branch? Michael: Because that's all it takes. Michael: Ok, Dwight, would you like to say a few words to everybody... about loyalty? Dwight: Thank you Michael. I just want to say, to the few of you who will remain under my employ, that I intend to lead you into the black! With ferocity! Phyllis: Michael, what will you do? Michael: Oh, I'll be fine. Kevin: Do you have any savings? Michael: No, no, I don't, but- Kevin: Michael, you might lose your condo. Michael: I... won't. I won't. Pam: I have this little vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager. Phyllis: Maybe I'll quit. Angela: It's really happening! Dwight: Yes. Angela: We can make a difference here. Dwight: I Angela: You alone? Because I thought together we could- Dwight: Oh please, don't be naive. But you can be in charge of the women. Karen: [whispering] Look how cute he is! He's trying to shoot with a smoke grenade. Jim: I'm sorry what are you whispering about? Karen: I'm sorry nothing, just concentrate on turning around. Jim: I'm trying- Karen: Just tap S then D. Jim: Oh. Karen: [her players gun is pointed directly at Jim's player's head] Any... last words? No? Jim: What? [Karen's player shoots Jim's player, 'You killed Jim Halpert' appears on the screen, Karen giggles] Jim: Wow. Psychopath. [Karen grins widely at Jim] Pam: What? Creed: I'm just looking. Pam: Please go back to your desk. Creed: In a minute. Pam: Well, I remember why I dress the way I do at work. But I'm gonna keep the clothes. I mean, it'll be cool to just have some after work clothes that aren't pajamas. Michael: Well, I guess it's time, that I turn over the keys, to the famous Sebring. Dwight: [smiling] No thank you. Michael: It's a corporate lease Dwight, you've earned it. Dwight: No thanks. Michael: What? Dwight: Not my style. Michael: But you said you liked it. You've always admired it. Dwight: Well that was before. I'm thinking about getting something German, something with decent gas mileage. Plus, that convertible, it's a ridiculous choice for this climate. Michael: [Michael finally breaks] Take it back. Dwight: [confused] No. Michael: That's my car. Dwight: What did you- Michael: THAT'S MY CAR. Dwight: Yes. Michael: I know, Dwight. I know. I know. I know. Dwight: You know what? Michael: Jan called me about your little meeting! Dwight: No! Michael: I know, what you did. I made the whole thing up, Dwight. Dwight: I think the Sebring's cool. It's cool. The Seabring's cool. It has a cassette and it has a CD. Michael: Oh do you? Do you like the Sebring- HOW DARE YOU?! How dare you, Dwight? Dwight: [Dwight gets on his knees and puts his face down on the ground] Don't fire me. Please. Michael: Give me one good reason why I should fire you RIGHT HERE ON THE SPOT?! Dwight: [terrified] I HAVE EXCELLENT SALES NUMBERS! Michael: Not. Good. Enough! Dwight: [sobbing] I'll do anything! Anything! I'll do your laundry for a month! For a year! Michael: I have a laundry machine! Dwight: I'm sorry! I'll do anything, I swear. [squeaking, crying] Michael: I don't know if I can trust you anymore. Dwight: You can't. You can't. But I promise I'll never betray you again. What can I do, Michael. What can I do? [Michael exhales] What can I do? [Dwight has his face to the ground but his butt raised high in the air] What can I do? What can I do? Michael: You can get up. Get up. [Dwight gets up with spit hanging from his lips] And you can hug it out, bitch. [Dwight and Michael have a firm embrace] Michael: Hug it out, bitch. That is what men say to each other, after a fight. They hug it out, and doing so, the just... let it go. And walk away. And they're done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman however. I have found. It doesn't translate. Jim: [leaving his desk for the day, pretends pull the pen out of a pretend grenade, and tosses it to Karen] Karen: [throws some desk material in the air to signify debris from the grenade explosion, grins as Jim walks away] Michael: Yep. Yeah, we hugged it out. But, it turns out, I was still a little angry. So, I felt I needed to punish him, just a little bit more, [cut to Dwight standing on a box with 'LIAR' written on a piece of paper hung around his neck, Dwight's head hung in shame] and I'm making him do my laundry for a year. Michael: Okay. [Jan leaves Michael's office; Dwight enters] Dwight: Hey. [shuts door] Is everything okay? Michael: It is not your business, Dwight. Dwight: If the branch is in trouble, there are things you can do. Michael: What do you know about management, Dwight? Dwight: I know that we need to cut costs. We could fire Meredith. That's a big cost. Michael: I'm not firing anyone. Dwight: Creed might be living here, we could charge him rent. Michael: ... What? Creed: Four nights a week, I sleep under my desk, and then three nights I stay at my place in Toronto. They don't know about this job up there. It's a welfare state. Beautiful countries, both of 'em. Michael: Okay. Here we go. Everybody, you know what? It dawned on me we were all in there watching a movie together before we were so rudely interrupted, Let's get back in there. [no takers] Come on. Movie Monday! Come on, Stanley let's go. Stanley: [standing at the supply shelf] I'm on the phone. Michael: Ryan? Ryan: I'm pretty sure Jan said that we're not supposed to. Michael: Okay, well, we had scheduled this time to watch a movie together, so I guess I will just go play some online Scrabble. Dwight: [looks to Angela] Angela: [shakes her head disapprovingly] Dwight: The Schrutes are a very loyal breed. But I also have Mannheim blood from my German grandmother. And the Mannheims knew when to cut and run. No sense going down with a losing regime. But the Schrute blood... It's amazing that when these two bloods mix, the whole thing didn't explode. Michael: So, she sleeps with him, but she is still in love with the head surgeon, um, the McDreamy guy, and she starts crying, but the dorky doctor, he's in love with her... [phone rings] Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. ... Uh, sure, I'll get him for you. [to Michael] It's Jan for you. Michael: Really? Pam: Yeah. Pam: I may have a few weeks ago faked a call from Jan in order to get out of a synopsis of, I think it was, Navy: NCIS. Since then, Michael's been suspicious. Kevin: Nnnnice. Wow! Jim: [playing Call of Duty] Oh? Someone's left out in the open, taking a little siesta. Not smart. [shoots] Yes! Finally killed you... [Karen's desk is empty] Jan: Hey, Jim? Jim: Hey, Jan. Jan: How's work going? Jim: [nervously] Pretty good. Jan: [kills Jim's character, giggles] Oh, you know what, I gotta see Josh right now, but remind me to tell you what Dwight said to me earlier, okay? You'll get a big kick out of it. [leaves] Jim: [baffled expression] Jim: Things are a little bit... different here in Stamford. [shrug] It's not bad.

Michael: Hey Ryan, can I get you a pencil from the warehouse? Ryan: Uh, no thanks, I'm good. Michael: Oh, it's okay, I'm going down. Ryan: Um... Yeah, absolutely. Michael: All right, I'll be right back. [goes down pretend stairs] Dwight: [laughs uproariously and applauds] Whoo! Michael: [hands Ryan pencil] There you go. Dwight: Awesome! Ryan: Thank you. Michael: You're welcome. Dwight: Michael, can you get me a pen from down in the warehouse? Michael: Don't mind if I do. See you in a minute. [goes back down pretend stairs and grabs pen from Stanley's desk] Dwight: Okay. [continues to laugh] Whoo! Michael: There you go, fresh from the warehouse. Pam: Hey Michael, would you get me some coffee from the warehouse? Michael: There's coffee in the kitchen, Pam. Pam: But the warehouse coffee tastes SO much better. Ryan and others: Yeah. Yes, it's better. It's great. Michael: [breathless] All right. Okay. [goes back down pretend stairs, crawls on belly to the kitchen for the coffee] Michael: I am like Bette Midler in For the Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained. Pam: [after Michael returns with coffee] With cream and sugar? Michael: [sighs] All right. Jan: [on speakerphone] So, I wanted to let you know that we lost Ed Truck. Michael: Oookay. Let me see if I have his cell. Is this the only reason you are calling, Jan? Or does somebody miss me? Jan: Michael, Ed died over the weekend. Michael: Oh, wow. Michael: Attention, everybody. I just received a call from corporate with some news they felt that I should know first. My old boss Ed Truck has died. Kelly: Oh, Michael, that's such terrible news! You must feel so sad. Michael: Yes, I am. It's very sad. Because he was my boss. Phyllis: That's a shame. Ed was a good guy. Michael: That's right, you worked with him. So did Creed. Well, I'll be in my office in case anybody wants to drop by. Cheer me up. Michael: So did you hear the news? Pam: The news that you just announced? That Ed died? Michael: Yeah. Pam: Is there anything I can do? Michael: Oh, gosh, what can anybody do, really? It's... pssssh... . He was almost 70. Circle of life. Pam: Yeah. Michael: [holds out arms to Pam] Pam: Oh. Okay. Michael: Yeah. Mmmmmm. Pam: [extricating herself] Okay. Josh: What's going on with Fairfield County schools? Karen, did you generate that price list? Karen: Um, shoot. Uh, I will. Sorry. Josh: Okay, just get it done. Jim, will you make sure? Jim: Oh yeah, definitely. Andy: [coughing out his words] Suck up! Josh, did you hear what I said? Josh: Thank you, everyone. Karen: [at vending machine] Dammit. Jim: What's up? Karen: Uh, nothing. They're just out of Herr's chips. Jim: Oh. Karen: But don't worry about it. My snack food doesn't fall under the umbrella of your authority. Jim: Mmm, that's where you're wrong. I'm your project supervisor today, and I have just decided that we're not doing anything until you get the chips that you require. So, I think we should go get some. Now, please. Creed: It's a real shame about Ed, huh? Michael: Yeah. Must really have you thinkin'. Creed: About what? Michael: The older you get, the bigger the chance is you're gonna die. You knew that. Creed: Ed was decapitated. Michael: What? Dwight: Really? Creed: He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18 wheeler. Pop. It snaps right off. Michael: Oh my God. Dwight: That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart. Creed: You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated. Dwight: You're thinking of a chicken. Creed: What did I say? Michael: That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go, I'm sorry. Alone, out of the blue, and not even have his own head to comfort him. Michael: [clears throat] So, I'm not exactly sure how to say this... Dwight: Ed was decapitated. Michael: What are you doing? Dwight: You said you didn't know how to say it. Michael: I didn't... he was driving on the road and he went under a truck. And that's when his head was separated from the rest of him. And I will let you know more as soon as I find out. Dwight: Hey. Angela: Hi. Dwight: If my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice. Angela: I do not wanna talk about this. Dwight: When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in. Michael: I don't understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn't even work here. Jan: [on speakerphone] I understand how you feel, Michael. I really do. So, would it be helpful to give everyone the day off? Michael: You really don't get it, do you? You don't understand these people. That is the last thing that they would want is a day off. Jan: Well, what would you suggest? Michael: [thoughtfully] A statue. Jan: Of Ed? Michael: Yeah. Jan: [scoffs] I'm not sure that's realistic. Michael: Well, I think it would be very realistic, it would look just like him. Jan: No, that's not- Michael: We could have his eyes light up, we could have his arms move... Dwight: That is not a statue, that is a robot. Michael: I think that is a great way to honor Ed. Dwight: And how big do you want this robot? Michael: Life-size. Dwight: Mm, no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us. Jan: What the hell are you two talking about? Michael: Well, we are talking about how to properly honor a man who gave his life as regional manager of this company, Jan. Jan: You know what, Michael? I've really tried with you today... Michael: Mm hm. Jan: ...and I have to get back to work. Michael: Oh do you? You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck. Jan: So call me when you feel like having a real conversation. Michael: But Ed truck can't because he is- Jan: Goodbye. [hangs up] Michael: DEAD. Dwight: Look [holding up sketch] I gave him a six foot extension cord so he can't chase us. Michael: That's perfect. Jim: Okay, that is a 'no' on the on the West Side Market. Karen: Okay, great. I think that's enough. Can I get back to work now? Jim: Wow. Never pegged you for a quitter. Karen: I am NOT a quitter. I will do this all day if you want. Jim: Really? Karen: Yeah, all day. Andy: Hey. What are we doing? What's the game? I want in. Jim: Oh, there's no game. We're just trying to get these chips for Karen. Andy: Did you check the vending machine? Karen: Oh, the vending machines! How did we miss that? Jim: I have no idea. We went right for the copier. Karen: Mm. Jim: And then we checked the fax machine. Karen: Yeah, nothing there. Andy: Did you check your... butt? Michael: Oohh... can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here, it would reach all the way to reception. Probably get on Pam. Phyllis: Okay that's enough. Michael: What? Stanley: We do not wanna hear about this. Michael: Well, you know what? I didn't wanna hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can't stop picturing it. He leaves work, he's on his way home... wham! His cappa is detated from his head! Stanley: You have just spit on my face. Michael: Well, you know what? There's something wrong with you. There is something wrong with everybody in here. Because we have lost a member of our family and you don't wanna talk about it, you don't wanna think about it, you just wanna get back to work! Michael: There are five stages to grief, which are [glancing at computer screen] denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they're all denying the fact that they're sad. And that's hard. And it's making them all angry. And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job. Michael: I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special who died, and then I want you to say how they died, and you may cry if you like, that is encouraged. Let me just start. Let me show you how this works. I catch the ball. I lost Ed Truck. And... it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly... terribly alone. Roy: Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, uh, I need to see Pam. There seems to be, like, something wrong with the radiator in her car. Michael: Okay, fine. Hurry back. Roy: [as they leave] There's nothing wrong with your car. I just thought you might like a break from the 'grief counseling' session. Pam: Oh. I would like a break. Roy: How are you likin' the new car? Pam: Great. Roy: Yeah? Sure is small. Got airbags? Pam: I think so. I don't know, I was mainly focused on the cup holders. Roy: [laughs] Well, you're not still driving so fast, are you? Yeah. Jim: [on phone] Hi, yeah. This is Mike from the West Side Market. Well, we get a shipment of Herr's salt and vinegar chips, and we ordered that about three weeks ago and haven't ... . yeah. You have 'em in the warehouse. Great. What is my store number... six. Wait, no. I'll call you back. [quickly hangs up] Shut up [to Karen]. Karen: [laughing] Six? Michael: [as Pam returns to conference room] Okay, we can start. Um... Pam: You waited for me? Michael: Yeah. Pam, you're a member of this family. So we will wait for our family members. Phyllis, you wanna give it a shot? Dwight: [grabbing ball] I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby. Michael: Okay, why don't you throw the ball to somebody else. Stanley: [throwing ball back] Nope. Michael: [returning ball to Stanley] Oh, yes Stanley. Come on. Your turn, you have to go. Stanley: I will NOT. [throws ball back] Michael: Okay... I'm going to toss the ball to Pam. Pam: Let's see. I had an aunt that I was really close to. She was this amazing female boxer. Um, anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So, you can imagine how upset I was when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube so she could die. Michael: Wow. If you wanna cry, that's okay. Ryan: [catching ball] Thanks. Um, a few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and, um, my cousin, Mufasa was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and, um, we all... took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened. Michael: Do you want to talk about it anymore? Ryan: Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story. Kevin: Me, me, me, me, me me. [catches ball] Yes. Okay, um. I was trying to throw this party once. And everyone was over for the weekend. And then my uncle Bernie died, and so me and my best friend, we had to pretend like he was alive, so... Michael: Wait a second. That's Weekend at Bernie's. [upset] Do you think that this is a game? Phyllis: Well, there is a ball. Michael: All right, we're starting over. Stanley: No, I'm done. Michael: You are not leaving. No! We are not done. Angela: We really have a lot of work to do right now. Michael: Yeah. Well, you know what? The guy who had my job has died. And nobody cares! And he sat at my desk. [breaking down] Toby: Michael, look. I know this is hard for you, but death's just a part of life. I mean, just this morning I saw a little bird fly into the glass doors downstairs and die. And I had to keep going. Michael: How do you know? Toby: What? Michael: That that bird was dead? Did you check its breathing? Toby: It was obvious... Michael: Was its heart beating, Toby? Did you check it? No, of course you didn't. You're not a veterinarian. You don't know ANYTHING! [runs out of conference room crying] Dwight: Michael! [following Michael downstairs] Michael. Michael ... Michael: [seeing bird] Oh, God! Dwight: [in disgust] Oh... Michael: Oh my God! Oh my God, come on ... Dwight: Poor little fella. Michael: Oh shhhh-oot! Dwight: He is a goner. Michael: No, he's not. Dwight: Yeah. Michael: No, he's not. [cradling bird next to face] Dwight: Michael, get him away from your head! He is covered in germs and bacteria! Michael: Well, you can't get diseases from a bird! Angela: A dead bird should not be in the kitchen! Michael: We don't know if it's dead. Kelly: Ugh, no that thing is Dwight: You want me to flush him? Michael: Attention everybody. This will only take a second of your time. Today at 4 p.m. we will be meeting in the parking lot to have a funeral service for this bird. Meredith: I have a lot of work to do. Michael: Well, I'm sorry to inconvenience you, Meredith. But that is what you do when things die. You honor them. Toby killed this bird. And now we are going to honor it. Angela: But... Michael: No, no, no! That's enough! You know what? This bird is dead. He died alone. The least you can do is be there for him now. [to Dwight] Find a box for him. Karen: I'm calling a supermarket in Montreal. Jim: Nice! Karen: [on phone] Bonjour. Je cherche des tchips de la marque Herr's. Non? Ah... merci quand meme. Au revoir. Jim: Sounded good. Karen: Thanks. Kelly: [crying] Michael: It's okay. It's okay. [pats Kelly on shoulder] Shh... yes, I know, I know. It's been a tough day, but it's good to let it show. Kelly: I mean, how many times to I have to confirm with Ryan [Michael walks away disgusted] for him to know that we have a date tonight? Dwight: [trying to shove bird into a can] Argh... gah! Michael: What are... What are you doing? Dwight: What? No, this is about the right size. Michael: No, God, no it's not! What is the matter with you? Is that the beak!? Dwight: I'm sorry, I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was reburied in an old oil drum. [pause] It would have fit if he had given me another minute. Dwight: I need a box. I need a box. A small box... not too confining. Pam: Is it for the bird? Dwight: Yeah. Pam: I have it covered. [hands Dwight a decorated box] Dwight: Oh, thank you. Pam: If you wanna do something for the funeral... Dwight: Yes, please. Pam: Maybe you could play a song on your recorder. Dwight: Excellent. Pam: Do you have it with you? Dwight: Always. [runs off] Pam: Did I wake up this morning thinking I'd be throwing together a bird funeral? You never can tell what your day here is gonna turn into. Karen: [spotting Herr's chips on her desk] Where'd you find them? Jim: Where'd I find what? Jim: I called the manufacturer, who referred me to distributor, who referred me to the vending machine company, who told me that they sell them in the machines in the building next door. Michael: Glad you could all make it. Kelly: You told us we had to. Michael: Dwight, do you have the box? Pam: Actually, I have it. Michael: You made this? Wow. [impressed] That's... that's very nice. Ryan: When I was five my mom told me that my fish went to the hospital in the toilet and it never came back so we had a funeral for it. And I remember thinking 'I'm a little too old for this.' And I was Pam: I'd also like to say a few words if that's okay. Michael: Yes. Pam: What do we know about this bird? You might think, 'Not much. It's just a bird.' But we do know some things. We know it was a local bird. Maybe it's that same bird that surprised Oscar that one morning with a special present from above. Kevin: Oh, I remember that. That was SO funny. Pam: And we know how he died. Flying into the glass doors. But you know what? I don't think he was being stupid. I think he just really, really wanted to come inside our building to spread his cheer and lift our spirits with a song. Dwight: He's not a songbird. Michael: Shhh. Pam: An impression, then. Lastly, we can't help but notice that he was by himself when he died, but of course, we all know that doesn't mean he was alone. Because I'm sure that there were lots of other birds out there who cared for him very much. He will not be forgotten. Angela: [quickly] Amen. Dwight: [begins playing recorder] Pam: [singing] Just smile for me and let the day begin. You are the sunshine that lights my heart within... on the wings of love ... Michael: Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown. Dwight: Let's get back to work. Hannah: Hey Jimmy. Want to see some pictures of my baby? Jim: Umm... sure. Hannah: [shows picture] Here he is. Jim: [chuckles] He's so cute. Hannah: And here's his first bath. Warning: contains nudity. Jim: That's okay. [Hannah shows pic of husband naked with baby] Oh, no, it's not. I'm sorry, is that your husband in the tub with him? Hannah: You think we should have left our baby in the tub alone? [Jim shakes head] Talk to me when you have kids. Jim: Sounds good. Jan: [on the phone] Ed Truck died over the weekend. Michael: Oh, wow. He... Jan: Yeah. And I know... I know he was your boss, so I thought you should know. Michael: Does his family know? Jan: Yes, they know, Michael. Michael: But I'm the first in the office? Jan: I guess, yes. I think it would be appropriate for you to make an announcement to your team, in case they want to pay their respects. Michael: Okay, yes, sure, I will do that... Jan: Good. Michael: ...'Cause I'm the first to to find out. Nobody else knows and it is my responsibility to tell them. Well, good. How are you holding up? Want me to come over? [Jan hangs up] Michael: Ed Truck died. And it blows. They say that with grief, time makes it worse, which is bad for me because I found out before anybody so I've had more time to be sad. Dwight: Attention, everyone. As you know, Ed Truck is dead. If you have any contact information on Rolodex files or in Microsoft Outlook, remove it now. Also, if you have any photographs, Pam will make her shredder available during lunch. That is all. Dwight: Remembering the dead doesn't help anybody. The way to best honor them is to figure out what killed them and prevent that thing from killing anyone ever again. In this case, some sort of steel exoskeleton to protect the neck, or else a device that allows the head to live separately from the body. I'm working on both. Michael: I would like you all to clear your schedules this afternoon, because I am telling corporate to send in a grief counselor. We need to find out what is blocking you. And that way, we'll be able to honor Ed the way he deserves to be honored. May he rest in peace. Kevin: ...ces. [chuckles] Michael: What was that, Kevin? Kevin: Nothing. Michael: No, you said something, didn't you? Kevin: May he rest in pieces. [chuckles] You know, because there's, like, two pieces of him. Michael: You think that's funny. Kevin: No. [chuckles] Michael: You are disgusting. Dwight: Michael, no need to call corporate. We are supposed to use Toby. He's trained as a grief counselor. Michael: No, that can't be right. Toby: Well, I am trained in grief counseling, but, ahh, I don't think that's what they need right now. Michael: Well, then I guess that makes you about the worst grief counselor in the world, doesn't it? Roy: Hey there. Pam: Hi. Roy: So how's your day going? Pam: Well, I will be spending the entire afternoon in grief counseling for someone I've never met. Roy: That sucks. [laughs] You guys got it much harder up here. Pam: Closer to the epicenter, I guess. Roy: [laughs] Cool, all right. Toby: Well, as you know, Ed Truck passed away. So, I'm here to talk about it if anyone would like to. Kevin: Not really. Michael: You're ruining it, already. They should not be given the choice. Ryan: I did not know Ed Truck. So I will probably spend the day zoning out and planning my weekend. I think Ed would have wanted it that way. Toby: Is anyone having any trouble eating? Kevin: No. Toby: Concentrating? Is anyone having trouble getting their work done today? Stanley: I'm having trouble getting my work done today. Toby: Well, look, sometimes things crop up later. So, uhh, you should know I'm always available if anyone would like to talk. Michael: Wow. Wow. No. No. You are the most heartless, soulless person I've ever met. Toby: Michael, I'm sorry... Michael: No. No. Shh. Enough. It is going to take me hours to undo all the damage that your have done here. Dwight, Ryan, I want you to take the table out. We're gonna go on a five minute break, and when you come back, we're going to start with a clean slate, and, in the interim, I would like you to forget everything that Toby has said, okay? Michael: I don't think I'm overstating it when I say that Toby is a plague on this company. And he is worthless. You give people a chance to shine and they blow it, just like you knew they would. Grief counseling is not about, 'Are you hungry? Would you like a sandwich?' These people are so far gone, you have to stick a food tube down their throats. Michael: Okay, part of the problem was that Toby talked at you. Now, I am going to talk with you. First off, I want you to be comfortable, because you really can't grieve if you're all tight and buttoned up. So, guys, loosen your ties, just take your jackets off if you want. Ladies, let your hair down. You know what? Even take your shoes off. I wanna get personal and I want you all to really open up. And I want you to know that anything and everything can be said. Angela: Okay. I don't think Kevin should take his shoes off. Kevin: My feet do not smell. Angela knows that hyperhidrosis is a medically diagnosed condition. Michael: I found an exercise in Toby's binder that he managed to miss, that involves screening the part of you that says, 'I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna talk about that. That is too private.' Here's how it works. I'm going to throw you this ball. Toby: Yeah, the ball-throwing exercise is in the binder. It's in the section marked, 'Fun Ways To Make Brainstorming Sessions Explode With Excitement and Creativity.' Roy: Hey, my cousin Billy, they just had the twins. Pam: Really? Roy: Yeah. Pam: Wow, I thought that was supposed to be, like, next month. Roy: Yeah, I know. I guess they couldn't wait. I'll bring in a picture if you... Pam: Yeah, I'd love to see them. Oh, and tell them I say, 'Congratulations.' Roy: Sure. Pam: I should probably head back in. Roy: Yeah? Pam: But, umm, thanks for the break. Roy: No problem. Michael: [in his office playing with a Dunder Mifflin Truck when it drops and the 'head' of the Truck comes off] Pam: Michael once told me that Home Alone is the saddest movie ever. When I asked him why, he said, 'Because the whole family forgets the kid at home. There is nothing funny about that.' Michael: That's... Hold it, hold it, hold it. Start, like, right in there. [Dwight digs hole in ground] Just dig. Dwight: Ow! God! Michael: Okay, give it to me. You don't know what you're doing. All right. [Michael starts digging] Man: Hey! Hey! What are you guys doing over there? Michael: Nothing. Let's just... all right. [talks to warehouse guys] Guys, do you have a box we could use?

Dwight: Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are they? Ryan: A dime and a nickel. Dwight: No, I said one of them is not a nickel. Ryan: But the other one is. I've heard that before. Dwight: Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, there is no way I can operate on this boy, ... Ryan: Because he's my son. The doctor is the boy's mother. Dwight: A man is found hanging from the ceiling... Ryan: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself, and the ice melted. Dwight: A hunter. Ryan: It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole. Dwight: Damn it! Jan: Tell me what you did yesterday. Michael: Uhhh... nothing. Jan: Nothing? Michael: Yeah, nothing. How was your day? Jan: I don't care how your day was Michael. Michael: Wow. Well. Ok. I don't care how your day was either, Jan. I was just asking you because you asked me. Why do you set me up like that? Jan: Tell me what you did yesterday. Michael: I worked. And then I went home to my condo. And Carol came over. And then we had sex. Is that what you want to hear? Michael: Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base. Jan: Hi, Pam. Pam: Hi. Jan: I'm great. So, Pam I would like you to keep a log of everything Michael does hour by hour so we can analyze it at corporate. Ok? Pam: Oh, I don't know if I'm... Jan: Thanks Pam. Pam: It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five. Dwight: So you excited? Ryan: Yeah. Dwight: Very excited? Ryan: Yes. I'm very excited. Dwight: Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool. Ryan: I have spent a year here. I have to commit or get out. Dwight's the top salesman in the company and he's taking me on my first sales call today. And, um, I'm excited. Dwight: I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet, but more importantly, he hasn't made an ally yet. Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions? Ryan: So what if they're not talking much, then does it makes sense to kind of lead the conversation? You know, just 'till it gets to a point where they are asking questions? [car stops] So where's the sales office? Dwight: When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now. Karen: [squeaky chair] Hey. Jim: What? Karen: My chair is squeaking. Jim: Is it? Karen: You took my chair. Jim: No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair. Karen: When you get up, I'm just going to take it back anyway, so... Jim: So I guess I can't get up. Michael: Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding Pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too. Dwight: Do you know where we are, temp? Ryan: I know where we're not. Dwight: I hold in my hand, a beet seed. Take it. [Ryan tries to take it, Dwight closes hand] AH! [Ryan tries again and takes seed] When... Damn it. Andy: Hey, Big Tuna, can I talk to you for a second. Jim: Sure. Andy: Can you stand up? And talk to me over there? Karen: That's it? That's what you came up with? Andy: I'm acting my heart out here. Karen: Really? Andy: Yeah, really. You asked for my help, so I helped. Announcer: Attention Scranton Business Park, there will be complimentary pretzels in the lobby from now until 4 o'clock as a thank you to our loyal tenants. Pam: Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is. Michael: Productivity is important but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain? That I cannot get out. And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So I'm just going to have my soft pretzel, then I'll get to work, and I'll be super productive. Look out for me. Michael: [looks at long pretzel line] Oh, shhh... Come on. Dwight: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you. Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying. Dwight: Smells pretty bad, doesn't it? Ryan: Uh huh. Dwight: It's called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away. Ryan: Gotcha. Dwight: Oh hey, I forgot something in my car. I'll be right back. Ryan: Ok. [Dwight drives away] Of course. Stanley: I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on Pretzel Day? Well, I like pretzel day. Kelly: Because they acted all tough and everything... Michael: Uh huh. Kelly: But what they were rapping about was cupcakes and the Chronicles of Narnia. God. Who invented cupcakes, right? I want to... Michael: [Phyllis embraces Bob ahead in line] Hey, hey, hey! Phyllis, what are you doing? Phyllis: I'm just saying hi to Bob. Michael: No, I think you're cutting in line. Bob: Well settle down, Scott. Michael: No, I'm not going to settle down. Stanley: No way. Michael: Get in the back please. Stanley: Boooooo. Booooo. Back of the line. Michael: Boooooo. Thank you. [hi-five's Stanley]. That's right. Bob: What a pair of Mary's. Stanley: This is Pretzel Day. Ryan: Hey Dwight, you're a great salesman. Can you teach me? Sure, Ryan. I'll make you the ole commodor. I'll abandon you in a beet field. Huh. That sounds great, Dwight, I'll really appreciate that. Thank you so much for your mentorship. Dwight: Congratulations resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute Farm. Karen: [rocks in squeaky chair] Jim: [sings] Love me, love me, say that you love me, fool me, fool me, Karen: stop. Jim: Go on and fool me. Love me, love me, say that you love me Karen: This is not fair, this is going to be in my head all day. Please. Jim: fool me, fool me, go on and fool me. Love me, Karen: This is not a proportionate response. Jim: Love me, say that you love me. Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me. Andy: I don't care 'bout anything but you... what ever happened to those guys? Pam: Michael. Michael: No cuts. Oh, Pam. Just the woman I'd like to see. You read my mind. Pam: Great! I thought you could use this time to authorize some checks. Michael: I thought that maybe you could wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom. You're an angel. Pam: Hey, why don't you just go up to your office, get some work done, and I'll just bring you a pretzel. Michael: Because I like them a certain way, and if it gets screwed up, then whole thing is blown. Pam: You know, I just think it's really important that you be productive today. Michael: Pam, productivity starts with patience and determination. I'll be back. Dwight: It is time for your next test. You have planted the beet seed. You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness. Ryan: Look man, I was in a frat in college. So I know what you're doing. I get it. Dwight: You know what your problem is? You know why you haven't made any sales? Cause you think you know everything. You have to trust that maybe there are other people that can teach you things. Are you ready to learn? Are you ready for the final test? Ryan: Yeah. Dwight: Come on! Stanley: Thank you! [takes pretzel] Michael: Hi. Please tell me that you have a sweet pretzel left. Pretzel guy: We do. Michael: Thank God. Pretzel guy: And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&M's, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallow, nuts, toffee nuts, coconuts, peanut butter drizzle, Oreos, sprinkles, cotton candy bits, and powdered sugar. Michael: Is there anyway that you could do all, all of them? Pretzel guy: The Works. You got it. Michael: All right! Thank you! Dwight: Please be seated. [man runs behind Dwight] Ryan: Who was that? Dwight: Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground. Ryan: Is that your Cousin Mose? Dwight: Yes. Dwight: Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case, I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore. Dwight: What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin? Ryan: Outsourcing and consolidation of competition. Dwight: Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide? Ryan: Depression? Dwight: Wrong. He hated himself. What is the DHARMA initiative? Kelly: I can't believe that Ryan is not back yet. Where could they be? Angela: Sales take a long time. Kelly: Oh my God, I'm so worried. Angela: I'm sure Dwight will protect him. Kelly: I don't know. Dwight's so weird. Angela: He's not weird, he's just individualistic. Kelly: No, he's a freak. Angela: You're a freak! Dwight: Final question, young Ryan Howard. What is Michael Scott's greatest fear? Ryan: Um, loneliness. Maybe women. Dwight: Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes. Fear is what it's all about. You cannot sell while undergoing fear. You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose. Ryan: No. Ok. All right. All right. It's over. This is over. OK. Dwight: Wrestle him to the ground. Ryan: No, you're a freak. I'm not doing this anymore. This is over. Goodbye. Dwight: Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan? Cousin Mose: Bye, Ryan. He seemed nice. Dwight: Where are all the animals? Dwight: Ryan, come on. I am sorry. I am sorry. Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled. Dwight: You still mad? It's just Jim and I didn't get along, and I didn't want it to be that way again. You know, I wanted us to be a team. An unstoppable team that competed against other teams. Ryan: Look, that, that's not what I wanted, ok. I just wanted to go on a sales call. Dwight: Screwgun. The sales call! Kevin: [Michael is listening to 'Rock And Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter' and everyone can hear it. Kevin singing in unison with the song] Hey! Hey! Michael: Mr. Kosseli. Hey hey hey, the Cos. What's going on? Do we have a deal? Deal or no deal? Let's make a deal. So what is the deal? Dwight: Establish time frames. Keep the phrase 'real dollars' in their head. And always keep the power in the conversation. That's why you're losing them on the cold calls. Cause you say the word please too much. Ryan: Wait, can you go back? Dwight: Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time. Ryan: Ok, I'm going to establish time frames. Dwight: Good. Ryan: I'm going to put everything in terms of 'real dollars'. Dwight: Right. Ryan: I'm going to ask a lot of questions that all have sort of positive answers. Dwight: Uh huh. Ryan: Saying, that would be better, or we would like that. That sort of thing. Dwight: Exactly. Yes. Ryan: I'm going to try to be confident, but not cocky. Michael: Oh! Hey! Everyone, I am officially streamlining the efficiency of this corporation. Second... Toby: Second? Michael: Yes, second, Toby. Second, I am insisting on increased accountability from every single one of you. Kevin: Account...? Michael, what is going on? Michael: And I will be taking questions. Pam: Did you have a lot of sugar today, Michael? Phyllis: What's on your suit? Michael: Carmel Dip. But, one question at a time please. Phyllis, Stanley. I want you to switch desks, I'm going to reorganize and restructure the physical layout of the office to maximize everything! I think we're getting a lot done, don't you? On paper at least. And we are, after all, a paper company. Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much! Ryan: They really didn't like me. Dwight: They did not. They didn't have to say it to your face. Ryan: I don't get it. I don't get what I did wrong. Dwight: Not everything's a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail. It's those online paper jerks. The whole business is changing. You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over. What are you doing? [Ryan throws egg at building] Oh no no no no! Ryan! Yes! Ryan the temp! Come on! Courtesy of Dunder Mifflin. Come on! Drive. Ryan: You drive. Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh, hi Jan. He's, uh, on a sales call. No message? Bye, Jan. Dwight: [Dwight chokes as Ryan downs a beer in one drink] Temp! Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere. Ryan: I think about that all the time. Kevin: Night, Pam. Pam: Night. Michael: Hey, what time is it? Pam: 20 past 5. Michael: AM or PM? Pam: PM. Michael: Oh, good. Pam: These came for you. Contracts? Brent Koselli? Michael: Oh. Koselli. With the Jello. Pam: This is a huge sale. Michael: Yes. Right. Good. Pam: Night, Michael. Michael: Goodnight! Pam: [phone rings] Dunder Mifflin. Jim: Ah, hey. Pam: Oh my God. Jim: Hi. Pam: Hi. Jim: Sorry, I forgot Kevin's extension. It's a fantasy football thing. Pam: Oh. Jim: And I was just going to go through the system cause I didn't think you'd be there. Why, why are you still there? Pam: I had to work late. Jan's making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day. Jim: Wow. Do you think you could send me a copy of that? Pam: Yeah, totally. So... Jim: So... Pam: Do you... Jim: Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead. Pam: Uh, no, I um. Everything's pretty much the same here. Jim: Oh, good. Pam: A little different. What time is it there? Jim: What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone. Pam: Oh, yeah. Right. Jim: How far away did you think we were? Pam: I don't know. It felt far. Jim: Yeah. I have a question for you. Pam: What? Jim: How many words per minute does the average person type? Pam: I type 90. Jim: Shut up. Mavis Beacon doesn't even type 90. Pam: It's true. Jim: Ok, I said average. Pam: 70? How many do you type? Jim: Forget it. I was just about to brag but forget it. Pam: Come on. Tell me. Jim: No. Pam: You have to tell me now. Jim: 65. Ok, no need to laugh. Pam: No, it's, that's respectable. Jim: Respectable? Pam: So ok. I'm watching the movie, by myself... Jim: Right. Pam: Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home... Jim: Ok. Pam: And, I'm freaking out. Jim: Yeah. Pam: That movie is so scary! Jim: I know! Pam: But I'm holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up. Jim: No way. How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later? Pam: Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don't put the pictures on the box. Jim: No, you're making this up! Pam: Would I make that up? Jim: Yes. Fancy New Beesley would make that up. New apartment, new stories. Pam: Oh, yeah, in my fancy new apartment. I have one bedroom, one bathroom, and a closet. Jim: And how many kitchens? Pam: I have one kitchen. Jim: Wow, you got totally taken for a ride Beesley. Pam: It's actually... Jim: Most apartments these days have like three. Pam: Three kitchens? Jim: Yes! How are you going to cook every meal of the day in one kitchen? Pam: [Ryan and Dwight enter] Hey, Ryan, are you ok? Jim: Pam? Ryan: Yeah. Yeah. Jim: Pam? Pam: Um. Ok, bye. Jim: Oh, yeah, I should, I should, I should probably go too. Pam: No, I was um... Jim: Oh, no no. Pam: You have to go? Jim: Yeah, uh, well. Pam: No, I should probably go too. Jim: Ok. Pam: I mean, yeah. Jim: Yeah. Bye Pam. Pam: Bye Jim. Stanley: Three hundred and sixty four days, 'till the next Pretzel Day. Jan: What I want, Michael, is an hour-by-hour log of how you spend your work time. Michael: Well, that's really not the way I roll, because sometimes I'm in the zone, and sometimes I'm in the zoning out. Jan: Zoning out? Michael: Do you want me to go on Amazon and order you a slang dictionary? Cause I'll do it. Jan: If you can account for your time... Michael: Yes, big if. Jan: ...then maybe corporate can justify your salary. Michael: A woman spurned. Pam: It's like mommy and daddy are fighting. Except mommy outranks daddy and mommy is way scarier. Dwight: Take a good look at this boy... Michael: I always do. Dwight: ...because you are never going to see him again. Michael: If you lay a finger... Dwight: Today is Ryan's first sales call and I am bringing this boy home a full-grown man. Michael: Would you look at that? [Hugs Ryan] [Dwight attempts hug] Damn it, Dwight! Come on. Pam: Dwight is taking Ryan on a sales call today. So if we find Ryan's body in a heavily-wooded area tomorrow, I owe Jim $30. It's an old bet, but a deal's a deal. Dwight: I once saw a movie called 'Training Day'. It starred an African-American and Ethan Hawke. In it, the African-American trains Ethan Hawke with various tests and trials. Today, Ryan is Ethan Hawke, and I am the African-American. Dwight: Get in the car. Ryan: I don't have a key. Dwight: Don't you realize the key is inside you? [pretends to pull key out of Ryan's ear] Ryan: He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. Today's gonna be great. Dwight: No, but seriously, your ears are the key. 90% of a good sales call is listening, only 10% is talking. Ryan: Huh. Dwight: Get in the car. [Ryan knocks the car door] Get... get in the car. Dwight: Sales is not all in here. [wails arms] It's also in here. Ryan: What was that first thing you did? Dwight: [wails arms] You know, selling, typing, dialing. Ryan: Oh. Dwight: What is that in your ear? [pretends to pull beet seed out of Ryan's ear] A tiny beet seed. You need to clean your ears better. Ryan: It's going okay. I've already learned more about beet agriculture than I ever thought I'd know. Michael: 9:00 to 10:00, checked in with receptionist. Met with Jan, RE: log. Lost log. Found log.' '10:00 to 11:00, light salad, three points.' That's on the wrong page. Pam: Hey, let's focus today. Make today all about focus. I'll help you. Michael: Okay. That sounds good. [puts banana in toy mouth that's in his mouth] [laughs] Yes. Actually, today's a good day to do that. Pam: Yeah. Ryan: You know, every time I think I hit rock bottom at my job, the floor opens up, like at a carnival ride. I'm gonna retrace my steps. College, four-year degree, student loans, business school, alone in a beet field. I... there's a step missing. 'Hey, mom.' 'Hey, Ryan. How's that five-year plan coming?' 'Oh, it's great. Today, I knelt down in cow manure and I got abandoned in a beet field.' 'Oh, that's cool.' 'Yeah, that's really cool. I'm learning a lot. I'm really glad I took this full-time job.' Dwight: Sales is about people, Ryan. About understanding them and learning how to get along with them. Case study: me. To understand me, you have to know that I work in the city, but I live here on this small, beautiful farm. It's a family farm. Many Schrutes were born here and many of us end up here. My grandfather was a good man who did some very bad things. What the... Damn it! Those kids! [discovers two teenagers naked, running] You! You, get out of here! This is not a cheap motel! This is a farm and cemetery! Freaks! You're lucky I don't have my crossbow! Let me show you the compost pile. Kevin: [in the kitchen and Stanley comes in and swipes Kevin's pretzel without Kevin seeing] Shoot. Stanley: There's four things that I love. My wife, my daughters, Pam Grier, and a hot, chewy roll of buttered dough. Michael: What makes them so good? Stanley: I do not know. Michael: I mean, they're just dough twisted up with some candy. They taste so good in my mouth. Stanley: That's what she said. [Stanley and Michael both laugh] Karen: Look, I've never seen a Clint Eastwood movie. Jim: See, that's weird. Karen: But if you said 'Go ahead, make my day,' I would know that it's from 'Dirty Harry'. How can you not know that's from 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off'? Andy: Yo, mama! Ask me how bad I wanted to bone Jennifer Grey. Jim: I saw the movie. I just don't know every line from the film. Andy: Seriously, you guys, ask me. Karen: You didn't know that 'Bueller?' was from Ferris Bueller? Andy: Let's just say, me and Jennifer Grey probably would've broken a few laws.

Kelly: Here you go. Michael: Nice dress, Ryan. Kelly: It's not a dress. It's a kurta. Michael: [laughing] OK. Michael: Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it [girly voice] it's ada blah blah blah, it's so super fun and it's going to be great. [normal voice] Lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that is essentially a Hindu Halloween. Kelly: You look so handsome. Pam: Really you do. I love the material. Kelly: I know. Michael: How come you didn't get me one? Kelly: I... Phyllis: Ok, so, between Meredith's Mini-van and if I borrow Bob's Yukon that should fit about twelve people. Pam: I actually might not go. Feeling kind of tired. Meredith: Do you want to make Appletini's and watch 'Sex and the City' at my place? Pam: Oh, I don't know. I haven't decided yet. Kelly: I don't get why you won't go. Did I do something wrong? I mean, I thought we were really close friends. Pam: I just feel kind of tired, you know. Dwight: Maybe you've got mono. Pam: Maybe. I just ...I don't really have anyone to go with. Kelly: Well, go with Dwight. He's single, too. Right? Dwight: Yeah, totally single. Hundred percent available. Kevin: Are you guys going to this Indian thing tonight? Roy: I don't know. Who's... uh, who's going? Kevin: Oooh. Do you mean like, is Pam going? Angela: Don't go. They eat monkey brains. Michael: Hey. Hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do... sign me up... because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional. Michael: It's important that this company celebrates its diversity. And you know what, Stanley? Come Kwanzaa time, I have got you covered, baby. Stanley: I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. Michael: Wha? Really? You should! It's fun. Michael: I love the people here. And if there was one thing I di... don't really care for is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don't want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carol. Michael: Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus. But, frankly, I'm a little appalled that none of you know very much about Indian culture. So, without further ado, Kelly you are on. Kelly: Um... Diwali is awesome... and there's food... and there's going to be dancing... and... Oh! I got the raddest outfit. It has, um... Michael: Kelly? Kelly: Sparkles... Michael: Um... why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday. Kelly: Oh, um... I don't know. It's really old, I think. Angela: How many gods do you have? Kelly: Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that. Angela: [points at picture on the wall] And that blue busty gal? What's her story? Kevin: She looks like Pam from the neck down. Dwight: Pam wishes. [generalized laughing] Kelly, I'll take this one. Diwali is a Celebration of the Coronation of the God-King Rama. After his epic battle with Ravana, the Demon King of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil... Michael: All right, all right, all right, all right. This isn't 'Lord of the Rings'. Jim: Sorry. Jim: I started biking into work. Josh does it and he lives a lot farther away than I do. And also it saves gas money, keeps me in shape... helps the environment. And now I know it makes me really sweaty for work. Karen: Nice basket. Jim: Thank you. Michael: Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million and that's true, but it's also not true. Because, frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world. Here are some famous Indians. [slide show] Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. He is a Nobel prize-winning physicist. Impressive. Apu from the Simpsons. Hilarious. Indian. M. Night Shyamalan. 'The Village', 'Unbreakable', 'Sixth Sense', 'Sig... ' Dwight: I see dead people. Michael: Okay. Spoiler... alert. Dwight: He was dead the whole time. Michael: Just stop it. [slide of Michael & Carol kissing] What's the... oh, whoa! [laughs] Where did that come from? Tony: Karen, my chips got stuck in the vending machine again. I need your skinny, little arms. Karen: Oh. Did you shake it? Tony: Yeah, I shook it, I shook it. Andy: We have such a roller coaster thing, Karen and I. Jim: Scuse me? Andy: Roller-coastery friendship. Hot. Cold. On again. Off again. Sexual tension filled type of deal. It's very Sam and Diane. Jim: Wow. Andy: From 'Cheers'. Jim: Yup. Michael: And another thing about the Indian people... they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who's seen that before? Creed: I have. That's the 'Union of the Monkey'. Meredith: Oh, that's what they call it. Kevin: This is the best meeting we've ever had. Michael: Thank you, Kevin. Angela: I find this incredibly offensive. Michael: Well, I find it beautiful. Angela: Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine but we shouldn't all be subjected to it. Michael: No... Toby: Actually, she's right. This isn't appropriate. Why don't I take these. Michael: No, You're not going to collect them. Toby: Yes. Michael: No. This is delightful, charming culture. Michael: My Indian Culture Seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It's just sex. People... everybody does it. I'm doing it... with Carol! Probably tonight. Josh: All right. Think you guys should be all set. Oh, here's the corporate card for dinner. Karen: Thanks. Josh: And Karen? Let's keep it to twenty dollars a person this time. Karen: Got it. Jim: Once a quarter, the sales staff at this branch has to stay late to do order form consolidation... which, amazingly, is even less interesting than it sounds. Andy: You guys ready to party? Jim: What's that? Andy: I said are you ready TO PARTY! Phyllis: Isn't this fun? Not wearing shoes? Angela: I wish some of us still had our shoes on. Kevin: Stop it. It's a disease! I've told you. Carol: [wearing cheerleader costume] I thought you said this was a costume party! Michael: [points at woman] What does that look like to you? Carol: An Indian woman in a sari. Michael: No one's even going to notice. Kevin: Nice outfit. Michael: Hey, Kevin. It's a costume. Why don't you just cool it, okay? Carol? Carol. Michael: I'll have one of those as well. Thank you very much. Now these are limes, lemons, onions... Angela: I'm a vegetarian. What can I eat? Server: It's all vegetarian. Angela: I'll just have some bread. You used your hands. Michael: Oh, yuck. [spits out food] Carol: What? Too spicy? Michael: No. These s'mores are disgusting. Carol: They're not s'mores. They're samosas. Michael: Do you think they have any s'mores? Michael: All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been? Ryan: So, you're Kelly's sisters, huh? Girls: [laugh] Kelly Zach Braff [speaks in Hindi] Ryan: What? Kelly: Ruka, Nipa, Tiffany. Stop acting like such little losers and just be cool. Come on, Ryan. Come on. Leave him alone. I hate you guys. Ryan: They said something about Zach Braff. Kelly: Don't even listen to them. They're so... Ryan: No, you don't... Pam: Very official. Pam: I decided to come. Uh... I feel a little under-dressed... but at least I'm not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean? Dwight: Temp! Temp! Pflut! Pflut! Kelly: I don't even want to hear it. Okay. I didn't come this Diwali to get yelled at! Kelly's Mom: Stop it right now. Ryan is a temporary worker, makes no money. Wally is a whole doctor. So handsome. Kelly: Uh... excuse me. I want to get a... Kelly's Mom: He's a perfect match. Andy: Hey, Big Tuna, you ready? Jim: Yep. Andy: One. Two. Three. Shot! Jim: Oh, Holy Mother of God. Andy: Oh, that burns! Golly. Um... Jim: Good. Karen: Ooh. Overhead: [song by Beyonce Knowles] Looking so crazy, my baby. I'm not myself lately. I'm foolish. I don't do this. I've been playing myself. Baby I don't care. Cuz your love got the best of me. And baby you're making a fool of me. Michael: Wow, thirty years? And you two only met once before the wedding night? Kelly's Father: Yes. Michael: Wow. Kelly's Father: How long have you been married to the cheerleader? Michael: Oh! She's not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party! Um... no, we're not married... yet! Kelly's Mom: She is very fair. Michael: She is. Very fair and very kind. So... um... tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die she has to throw herself on a fire? No? Okay. It's still very cool. Ok. Thanks! Andy: One. Two. Three. Shot! Jim: Oh. Carol: Are you okay? Michael: I'm going to be. [to DJ] Hi, I'm just going to get this for a sec... just a sec. [speaks in microphone] Um... everyone? I'm sorry, could I have your attention, please. Thank you. Ah-hah... Hi. Sorry. I just have an announcement to make. Um... okay. I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know you're all thinking 'who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?' Well, I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm crazy in love. So without further ado, Carol? Carol Stills. I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband. Crowd: Awww! Carol: Oh, Michael. Michael: What do you say? Carol: Can we talk about this in private? Michael: I didn't hear you. [laughs] Carol: [louder] Can we talk about this in private? Michael: [lowers microphone] Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Okay. Michael: No. I get it. I get it. You're not ready. We'll wait. This is a classic... Carol: This is the ninth date, Michael. Michael: Yeah, well, but I ... I feel like I've known you many lifetimes. Maybe I'm Hindu after all. Okay, I'm not Hindu, but... Carol. Carol, I just... I feel like... I just like you so much. Carol: I better go. Okay, you can find a way home, all right? Michael: Yes. Carol: Okay. Michael: Ok. Okay. Good night. [louder] Hey, you know what? Why don't I come with you. Cause I've got this book called the Kama Sutra. Carol: Okay, good night, Michael. Michael: All right. Good night. Ryan: Well, I was a Temp but I got promoted. So, um... the compensation is a lot more competitive. Kelly's Mom: So you're saving money... Ryan: Yes. Kelly's Mom: ...to start a family and home. Ryan: Oh, um... or travel. And,um... and buy an Xbox. Kelly's Father: Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight? Pam: Can you believe my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? That is so Michael. Young Man: Is it? He's really outgoing, huh? Pam: Yeah. Hey, would you excuse me for a second? Pam: It's hot in there. How's the naan? Angela: Dry. You look like you were having fun. Pam: I am. You should come dance with us. Angela: I have to watch our shoes so they don't get stolen. Who were you texting? Pam: No one. Andy: [sings Indigo Girls] I went to the doctor. I went to the mountains. I looked to the children... Karen: Andy, no acappella. Andy: [sings] I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain. Andy and Jim: [sing] There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line Andy: Wait, wait. Andy and Jim: [sing] the less I seek my source... Karen: Oh, come on, guys. Please. Andy and Jim: [sing] the closer I am to fi-i-i-ne. The closer I am to.. Karen: It's not good. Andy and Jim: [sing] fi-i-i-ine! Andy: TUNA! Are you kidding me!! Michael: Oh, God! [chokes on food] Oh. Wow. Pam: Here. [hands drink] Michael: That's so spicy. Pam: Yeah. Michael: Oh. You waiting for a call? Pam: Uh... no. Michael: Wow. Pam. When Carol said 'No.' tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements. Pam: Well, you were never really engaged. Michael: I was in that marriage arena, though. Pam: Yeah. Michael: Yeah. Uuuuh... well. Pam: I kind of thought something would happen tonight too. Michael: We're so alike. So alike. [leans in to kiss her] Pam: What are you doing? Michael: What are you doing? Pam: I'm rejecting your... Michael: I'm... what? I didn't Pam: ...kiss. Michael: [scoffing noises] Can I have a ride home? Pam: If you sit in the back. Karen: Goodnight, guys. Jim: Can I have a ride, man? I... uh... I have my bike. Andy: No way, dude. I am not driving home. I have brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You're welcome to share it though. It's a roomy twin. Jim: Okay. Jim: Oh. Karen: Hey dummy, get in the car! Jim: I'm a drunk driver. Karen: Yes, you are. Here. Let me take that. Just... uh... get in the car. Jim: Man, you can really hold your liquor, Billabelli. Karen: Yeah, you can't. Jim: No kidding. And I am just going to lie down in the back, if that's all right. Karen: Sure. Here's your bag. Just don't puke on anything. You okay? Jim: So good. Karen: Good. Michael: These are not my shoes. This is just like that show 'Taxi Cab Confessions'. Pam: You say one more word; I'm stopping the car. Michael: Sorry. Michael: This is going out to Indians everywhere. It's a tribute to one of the greats... Mr. Adam Sandler. [sings] Diwali is a festival of lights. Let me tell you something. Tonight has been one crazy night. So put on your saris, it's time to celebrate Diwali. Everybody looks so jolly. But it's not Christmas, it's Diwali. The goddess of destruction Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali. Don't invite any zombies to a celebration of Diwali. Along came Polly to have some fun at Diwali. If you're Indian and you love to party, have a happy, happy, happy, happy Diwali. Happy Diwali! Crowd: [loud clapping, cheering, and whistling] Michael: How do I explain this to Jan? Kelly: Um, well, basically, it's like a really big party, and everybody gets super-dressed up, and there's a bunch of different gods, and each of the gods has a special power, like the Care Bears, you know? Michael: Oh, please, stop talking. Three words or less. Kelly: Like, an Indian Halloween? Michael: An Indian Halloween. Okay, great. [to phone] Pam, could you put Jan on, please? Pam: [on phone] Michael, you're on with Jan. Michael: Hello, Jan. Jan: Michael, what is this about you letting everyone leave work early today? Michael: Well, I was letting everybody go to the big Diwali party. Jan: What is Diwali? Michael: What is Diwali? Jan: Yes. Michael: You don't know what Diwali is? Wow, Jan. I'm surprised. It's the Hindu festival of lights. I just assumed you'd be familiar with it. It's the most sacred and honored Hindu holiday in the world. It's like Christmas, Easter, and Halloween- Jan: Mich- Michael: #NAME? Jan: Oh. Michael: I bet you're not even aware that our own Kelly Kapoor, who works in... Kelly: Um, customer service. Michael: ... customer service is a Hindu person. Jan: Oh. Michael: And. Jan: Yes, of course, I know Kelly. Michael: Yeah. Jan: I thought she was Muslim. Kelly: What? I'm not Muslim! Jan: Well, I think it sounds lovely. I think it sounds like a good idea. Michael: You do? Jan: Yes, of course. It's important to celebrate our company's rich diversity. And, and in fact, Michael, if you had planned better, we might have been able to charter a bus to the event- Michael: Oh, I dunno about that. Jan: #NAME? Michael: For Kelly, that seems a bit much. Jan: Hey, one person is an integral part of the fabric- Michael: [hangs up] Kelly: She's so wonderful. Michael: Yeah, you should see her naked. Michael: I had promised Carol a romantic evening on the town. Um, I wanted to take her on this spooky hay ride thing, but it was like seventy dollars a person, and she's allergic to hay. So I said, 'Pop a Claritin, and I will spot you the seventy bucks,' and she's like 'I don't like to borrow money or take unnecessary medication.' And I'm like, 'Well you're really not gonna like what I slipped in your drink last night.' And she's like, 'What the hell are you talking about?' And I'm like, 'I'm kidding. I didn't put a roof...' [cracks himself up] ... We laughed so hard... It was hilarious... oh... [calms down] So yes, I'm very excited about the Diwali party. Kevin: For Diwali 07, you must consider Scrantonicity. For a fraction of the cost of this DJ, you could have the rocking sound stylings of a Police cover band. Mrs. Kapoor: No Police cover. Kevin: No, okay, well, let me send you a demo, and... Better yet, I'll give Kelly the demo, and she can give it to you. It'll save us both on postage. Mr. Kapoor: [nods] Kevin: Excellent. Carol: You're the temp! Ryan: Um, yeah. [shakes her hand] Ryan. Carol: Hi, I'm Carol. Ryan: Hi, nice to meet you. Carol: The wavy brown hair and blue eyes. Ryan: Ah. Carol: Michael talks about you... a lot. Ryan: Yeah. Carol: Top of your class at business school, and you live on Shady Hill Road, right? Ryan: Wow, um... Sorry you had to... Dwight: Does Michael talk about Carol: [pause] Yes. Dwight: He does? What does he say. Carol: He says... 'I love him.' He loves you. Andy: At Cornell, in my fraternity, my house name was 'Hubble' because I was so good at finding a party. I was like a powerful space telescope, so... Freshman year, when my skin was still really bad, they called me El Guapo. Andy: Yeah. Big Tuna, tuna? Jim: Nope, I got eel. Andy: [speechless] Karen: [looking for Jim's sushi] Eel... eel. Andy: Didn't see that coming. Michael: And perhaps the most important person to Indian culture, Sir Ben Kingsley. Because of him, the British left India, and then he became an actor like Ronald Reagan. Pam: Michael? Michael: Yeah? Pam: Your shirt is buttoned wrong. Michael: So, any questions?

Karen: Hey. Jim: Hey. Karen: Who are you faxing so early in the morning? Jim: Oh, umm... kinda hard to explain. Jim: I don't have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch, but, before I left, I took a box of Dwight's stationery, so, from time to time, I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future. [reading fax] 'Dwight, at 8 A.M. today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight.' Dwight: No![knocks coffee out of Stanley's hand.] You'll thank me later. Michael: There she is - Jan Levinson. First... Jan: Michael. Michael: ...thing in the morning. Love to start my morning with a hearty bowl of Jan. Jan: Michael. Michael: [singing] Just call me Levinson in the morning, baby. Jan: Michael. Michael: Yes. Jan: I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch. Michael: I don't understand. Jan: The board voted last night to close your branch. Michael: On whom's authority? Jan: The board's. Michael: What? Jan: I'm very sorry. I don't relish telling you this. You've been a big part of this company, and the board asked me to thank you for your years of service. Michael: You're welcome. Jan: A small number of people will be transferred to the Stamford branch, and the rest will be getting severance packages. Michael: Am I a small number person or a severance package person? Jan: Well, we haven't made final decisions about personnel yet. But you're a severance package person. Michael: Oh... [burrys head in hands] Oh, my god. Oh, my god! I don't really get it 'cause we're not doing that bad and our numbers are gonna come up. Jan: Well, it's not all about numbers, Michael. Michael: Well... Jan: It's... it's about talent. Michael: Oh, you gotta be... Josh? Jan: Our CFO believes that Josh is going to play an important role in our company's future. Michael: Oh really, what role is that? King of the stupid universe? Michael: It is an outrage, that's all. It's... hey're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place. Ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm. Michael: Pictures. Memories. [Picks up a framed photo of Stanley's daughter from Stanley's desk] Look at that. They grow up so fast. Dwight: Hey stranger. Michael: Don't say that. That just sounds weird. Please. Dwight: Sorry. I just feel like we haven't talked in awhile. Michael: Well... we have nothin to talk about, Dwight. Just do your work ... while you still can. Dwight : When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is, 'Something Weird is Going On.' Colon, 'What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott, with Dwight Schrute.' Karen: Hey, um... did you hear about your friends in Pennsylvania? Rumor has it that the Scranton Branch is... [clicks her tongue to her mouth motions chopping off a head] Jim: Really? Wow... that's bad. Andy: Um, sorry... the Scranton branch is closing? [Karen nods and Andy looks at Jim] In your face! Jim: Well, I work here now. Andy: Mmmm.. suck-ah! Pam: Are you okay? Michael: Yeah, great! Amazing. Best physical condition of my life. Pam: What did Jan want? Michael: Nothing. Just checking in. I can't tell you, so... Pam: What can't you tell me? Michael: Nothing, Pam.[whispers to himself] What difference does it make? We'll be gone in a couple of weeks anyway. Pam: What?! Michael: What? Pam: You just said that we're gonna be gone...? Michael: Do I have any messages? Pam: Michael, what's going on? Michael: Ok, ok... Michael: [facing the whole office] Listen up, everybody... I have some news. We are screwed. Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton is being shut down. Toby: Michael, uh... we shouldn't be talking about this until all the decisions have been made. Michael: You knew about this all along, didn't you? Toby: Jan told me just a few minutes before she told you. Michael: Traitor. You are a traitor. Angela: What about us, Michael? Do we still have jobs? Michael: I don't know. Probably not. This is the worst. Ryan: It makes perfect sense that it would happen today because I just received this in the mail. [holds up cards] A thousand business cards with this address and phone number. Angela: I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame. Kelly: If I get to stay and Ryan is laid off, I will kill myself. Like Romeo and Juliet, the Claire Danes one. Andy: [surrounded by clapping coworkers] Stamford, Connecticut! Stamford, Connecticut! Jim: I worked in Scranton for a really long time. And uh, it's going to be weird that it's all disappearing. I mean, I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans. Stanley: I couldn't be happier. I'm gonna take the severance and retire. My wife and I are gonna travel. [chuckles] I really couldn't be happier. Pam: It's a blessing in disguise. Actually, not even in disguise. Sometimes at home, I answer the phone, 'Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.' So, maybe that'll stop now. Roy: What does that mean? Kevin: Well, some of us are fired and a few are going to Connecticut. Roy: I don't really want to work here without Pam. You know that Cinderella song, 'You Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)'? That pretty much says it better than how I know how to say it... in words. Darryl: Hey Mike. Michael: Darryl. Noble Darryl. [sighs] Darryl: Look, I heard about the office. Tough break. Michael: I know, I know. Well, I'll land on my feet. Don't worry about me. Darryl: I wasn't. Michael: So, you'll be okay too. You're a warrior. You're smart, capable. You'll find something else and... Darryl: Actually, Bob Vance bought out the warehouse. So he's keeping on the whole crew. So, we good. Michael: Awesome. Michael: This is my house. The CFO is taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance. Michael: All right, listen up. Some of you may have heard some rumors about the branch closing. But, I am not going to take this lying down. I have a plan and I am going to save our jobs. So just hang in there. [Looks at Dwight] Let's go. Dwight: Yes! Pam: Oh, good... you're bringing Dwight. Michael: Yes. This might get ugly. I need backup. Dwight: What's the plan? Michael: Go to New York, confront the CFO, show him he's making a mistake... save the branch. Dwight: Can I drive? Michael: No... way. Dwight: Shotgun! Michael: No. There's no one else. Dwight: Still. Dwight: Thank you very much. [hangs up cell phone] Okay, secretary says Wallace is away for the day and won't be coming back into the office. Michael: Okay, okay. Um... Dwight: But, do not worry. I have his home address right [presses cell phone button] here. Michael: Why? Dwight: Christmas card list. Michael: You sent him cards? You never met him. Dwight: But when I do, we'll have something to talk about. Jim: Hey, do you have a second? Josh: Sure, what's up? Jim: I know it's not definite or whatever, but uh, do you know who's coming over here from Scranton? Josh: I honestly don't. I don't know. Jim: Okay, so is it like sales or... accountants? Josh: You know what, Jim, I wouldn't worry about it. Jim: What does that mean? Jan: Hi. Josh: Jan, hey. Jan: Oh, good. You're both here. Ready to talk logistics? Ryan: [to Kelly] I just feel like it could have been something special if we could have kept working together, but I'm gonna go someplace else and you're gonna go someplace else. It just doesn't make sense. Ryan: This kinda worked out perfectly for me. I got some good experience. Uh, Michael's gonna write me a great recommendation. And as far as me and Kelly goes, I think it's for the best. Michael: Okay, this is it. [runs up the stairs of CFO's house, with Dwight] This is exactly what Michael Moore does, famous documentarian. He goes up to people with a camera and he's like 'Why did you do this? Why did you pollute? You are bad. You're a bad person.' It's very dramatic. Although, I can't say I was a big fan of 'Bowling for Columbine', because I thought it was going to be a bowling movie, like 'Kingpin'. And it wasn't. It was something else. Jan: So, Josh will be running what is now called Dunder-Mifflin ,Northeast, which is all the offices north of Stamford. And Jim, fi you want the job, you'll be his number two. Josh: Wow. Uh, sure. Absolutely. Jan: Awesome. Josh: Excuse me, Jan, I'm sorry... I'm gonna have to stop you there. I, um, will not be taking the job. Jan: Wha... excuse... why not? Josh: As of today, I have accepted a senior managment position at Staples. Jan: Today? Josh: [nods] Jan: You leveraged your new position with us into another offer? Josh: [sighs] Jan: Damn it, Josh. This whole restructuring thing was based around keeping you. I... Josh: I'm sorry, all right? It's done, it's done. Jan: I'm gonna make some calls. Jim: Say what you will about Michael Scott, but he would never do that. Dwight: So, do you know what you're gonna say when he shows up? Michael: I will improvise. I will speak from the heart. Dwight: No. Bad idea. You need an attack plan. Here, I'll be him, you be you. Let's practice. Michael: All right. Dwight: [as David Wallace] Dum, dum, dum, dum... coming home from work. M ichael: Excuse me, Mr. Wallace? David Wallace? Dwight: Yes? What is the meaning of this? Michael : Can you tell us why you are shutting down Scranton and putting 15 people out of work? Dwight: Well, the branch is no longer finicially viable. It's simple dollars and cents. Michael: Yes, but these are employees, Sir. These are human beings. Dwight: Listen, Scott... we're losing money, okay? It's not a charity; it's a business. And it's a dying business. Michael: [no longer talking to Dwight as Wallace] Stop... stop it! Just, okay. He's not going to say any of that. Dwight: [as himself] Whoa hey, why not? Michael: Because he'd be intimidated and I, just... let's start again. Just be more scared of me, okay? Dwight: Okay. Michael: Don't touch me this time. Dwight: [as David Wallace] Dum, dum, dum, du, doy, du, do... coming home from work... Michael: Excuse me, Mr. Wallace? Dwight: [frightened] Uh! Jan: So... we are still scrambling here. But uh, it looks like Scranton is going to absorb Stamford. Jim: Wow. Jan: And I know that you just left there a couple of months ago, but we would like to offer you the number two position at that branch. Jim: Thank you. Jan: Yeah. Jim: No, it's just I'm not sure if I um... well to be quite honest with you, Jan, I have a few unpleasant memories of Scranton. And um... Jan: Michael. Jim: No. No, no. Just um... some personal stuff. And I'm not really ready to revist that, I don't think. Jan: Ah. Well, please think about it. And call me. We will do whatever we can to get you to stay. Jim: Okay. Phyllis: Hey guys. Uh, I'm trying to organize a little group lunch for everybody since you know, we're never gonna see each other again. Kevin: Where are we going? Phyllis: I thought maybe DJ's. Kevin: How about Cugino's? Angela: I don't want to go all the way to Dunmore. Kevin: How 'bout Cooper's then? Angela: No seafood. Kevin: But, I don't want to go to DJ's. Angela: Oh, now all of a sudden you get picky? Phyllis: Okay, forget it. [walks away] Kevin: Hooters? Angela: No. Dwight: Ah. [takes a gulp of Gatorade and passes the bottle to Michael] Here, replinish your fluids. Michael: [takes bottle and cleans off cap with his tie] Jan: [in Scranton] Where's Michael? Pam: He's not here. I don't know where he is. Jan: [looks around, noticing that no one is working] Wha... what's going on here? Phyllis: We know the branch is closing; Michael told us. Jan: Ah, god. Okay. You know what everybody? I'm sure there is a better way to do this but I've drive something like 400 miles today and I'm completely exhausted so I'm just gonna tell you. Your branch is not closing; Stamford is closing. Um, for the time being, it seems that all your jobs are safe. Angela: Yes! Kevin: Yes! [hugs Angela] Phyllis: Stanley! [hugs Stanley] Pam: Is it because of Michael? Did he actually do something? Jan: Well, reasons are not important. Would you just call him, please? Wherever he is... and tell him. Pam: Sure, uh, Jan... um, do you know, is anyone coming back to Scranton? Jan: Back? Pam: Coming to Scranton. Is anyone coming to Scranton? Jan: Uh, we don't know. Probably. A few. Dwight: [referring to Michael's ringing phone] who is it? Michael: The office. Dwight: Gonna get it? Michael: No, not until I have some good news for them. Not until I have some good news. Pam: I guess some new people might be coming from Stamford. Should be fun. New blood. Ryan: Is Jim coming back. Pam: That's, um... I hadn't thought about it, huh. Ryan: I just don't want it to be weird, you know? I mean, I took his old job and his old desk. Pam: Yeah, that might be weird. Overall though, we still all have our jobs... so, good news, right? Ryan: Oh, yeah, totally. Kelly: Ahhhhh! [hugs Ryan] I'm so happy we don't have to break up now, Ryan! [kisses him] This is the best day of my whole l ife! Karen: What you gonna do? Jim: I really don't know. How you doing with all this? Karen: You know, I'm fine. I'll be better when I know if I have a job. Jim: You'd actually move to Scranton? Karen: Yeah, if they let me, I think I... I think I would. Jim: New York City is 45 minutes down the road from here. And you wanna move to Scranton? I dunno. If I were you I'd move to New York? Karen: Yeah, you know... I might do that. I, who knows? I... I might do that. Josh: Hey Andy! Andy: [after screaming and throwing papers around in the kitchen] What's up, Josh? Josh: I just want to say thanks. Good luck. Andy: Thanks, man. You, too. Totally. Michael: Anything? Dwight: Nothing. [puts down binoculars] Michael: What if this doesn't work? What is the office actually goes under? Dwight: Then it was an honor to have worked with you. Michael: [pats Dwight and sighs] All right, favorite moments in Dunder-Mifflin history. Go. Dwight: My first day when you hazed me by spraying me with a fire extinguisher. Michael: That was hilarious. The foam ... Dwight: Uh,... my first sale, my promotion to assistant regional manager, our basketball game, when you took me to the hospital, and told me that you cared about me. Michael: Oh, right. Okay, that's enough. That's good. Dwight: What were your favorite moments? Michael: Oh, hmm, all of them. I loved them all. Every single one. Dwight: What about when Jan said the branch was closing? Michael: God, Dwight! Dwight: Well, it doesn't... Kevin: Hey Pam, we're going to Poor Richards. Creed's buying shots. Pam: No thanks, guys. Kevin: All right. Pam: Have fun though. Kevin: Cool. Phyllis: Hey, I hear Jim's coming back. Pam: Really? Where did you hear that? Phyllis: I was... Kevin: [interupting] Hey Ryan, you coming? Ryan: Uh yeah, we'll meet you there. Kevin: Awesome. Let's go, Phyllis. Phyllis: [to Pam] I'll tell you later. Pam: Okay. Roy: Crazy day, huh? Pam: Yeah. Roy: Yeah, man! I'm uh... I'm really glad you're still gonna be working here. Pam: Yeah, me too. Pam: Maybe this is good. Finding another job is a pain. There's another annoying boss, another desk, I'd have to learn everything all over again. So, there are reasons to stay. Jim: Hey, um, I think I am gonna take that job. And Scranton... it's not that bad. So, if they offer you a job there, I think you should take it. Karen: Okay, yeah. Maybe I will. Jim: Okay. Karen: Yeah, I'm happy he said that. I mean, I don't think he's into me or anything, but, I'm kind of into him. So...there you go. Michael: What are we still doing here? It's over. Let's go home. Get the car. Dwight: [picks up his beeping cell phone] Michael: Oh, this was such a stupid idea! This was so stupid. I am such a stupid idiot. I let everybody down. Everybody hates me. I lost everybody's jobs. Nobody likes me anymore! Dwight: [on the phone] Oh my God! Michael: What?! Dwight:: Stranford is closed! Michael, we're not closed. Stamford is closed. Stamford is closed. Michael: We did it? We did it. Dwight: We did it! Michael and Dwight: We did it! We did it! Michael: Right here! Right here! [pounds his chest against Dwight's] Michael and Dwight: Ouu! Ou! Ouu! Ouu! Michael: Yeah, baby! Dwight: In your face! Michael: We did it! Dwight: Oh, man. Michael: How did we do it? Dwight: I don't ... have no idea. Michael: I don't understand. Toby: Well for a minute there, I saw myself selling my house, moving to Costa Rica, learning how to surf. But, Costa Rica will still be there. When I'm 65.

Jim: The Stamford branch is closing and everybody's just packing up their stuff. Andy Bernard made these tasteful hats. Andy: [to office worker] That's the other thing you got to watch out... [to Jim] Yo! Tuna! I wanna talk to you about this new boss, Michael Scott. Jim: Yeah. Andy: So what's he like? Likes? Dislikes? Favorite sports? Favorite movies? Favorite men's magazines? Jim: You know what? I think you just need to meet him. Andy: Playing your cards close to the vest. I get it. Good luck over there, Tuna. Cross me and I will destroy you. Jim: Sounds good Andy. Karen: This is going to be an adventure. Jim: Yes. This is going to be very interesting. All right, I'm out of here. See you later? Karen: Right on. [to Andy] Hey is that Josh's computer? Andy: What? Pam: Hey! Toby: Hey. Pam: How'd the run go? Toby: Ah, pretty good. I finished. Pam: That's great! Dwight: Psh, why is that great? Pam: Because he accomplished something. Dwight: What was your mile time? Toby: About seven. Dwight: [scoffs] I could beat that on a skateboard. Toby: Well, that has wheels. Dwight: Yeah, well my feet don't. And I can still crush that time. Pam: Really, Dwight? How fast are you? Dwight: Let's just put it this way. Last weekend I outran a black pepper snake. Pam: Really? Dwight: I am fast. To give you a reference point. I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther. Dwight: Man, what is taking Toby so long? Pam: Oh, I'll just time him later. Dwight: And you'll compare the times? Pam: Yeah. Are you ready? Dwight: No, my groin... Pam: Set Dwight: ...is really tight. Pam: Go! Dwight: I can't... [starts running] Pam: Am I being mean to Dwight? I don't know. I did just make him run around the building and I have no intention of timing him. This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer. He does make my life harder, sometimes. And on purpose. Like he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company. [yells to Dwight] Hey, three more laps to go. Gotta pick it up if you're going to beat Toby. Dwight: Aaaaah! Pam: I should probably get back to work. Michael: Here... Who's here? Dwight: Nametag? Michael: Yes, please. Dwight: Karen Filippelli. Michael: Karen Filip... [In Italian voice] Ka-ren Fili-pell-li. Dwight: Probably Italian. Possibly Filipino. Michael: Okay. Michael: My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or, as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size. That's all I'm going to say about it because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me. And I have to get into my head and focus. [exhales] Michael: Who's next? Dwight: That's Andy Bernard. Michael: Andy Bernard. Dwight: If I were you... Michael: Saint Bernard. Dwight: ...I would fire Anthony Gardner... Michael: What? Dwight: ...before noon... Michael: I'm not... Dwight: ...to consolidate power. Michael: I'm not firing somebody on the first day. Dwight: No, no, no! Not somebody. Gardner. Dwight: The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person. Pam: Good morning! Michael: Got the food? Good! Looky-looky-looky. What I want you to do... set it up in the conference room, please. Make it look nice. As if you are trying to impress a much older man who's way out of your league. Pam: Okay. Pam: Yes! I'm in a good mood today! I'm excited to meet all the new people and to see my old friend again, definitely. That's always a thing that makes people happy... to have an old friend back. Hannah: Hello? Michael: Ah! Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Our first arrival. Welcome to Scranton. This is Hannah Smoterich-Barr. Dwight: Hannah Smoterich-Barr. Michael: Welcome to our humble abode. Follow me to your desk. Your ball and chain is right over here. Michael: You know for a lot of these people this is the only family they have. So... As far as I'm concerned, [holds up WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] this says 'World's Best Dad'. Michael: Ah! There he is Tony... what's your last name? Tony: Gardner. Michael: Gardner! I knew that. There you go. Gift bag... for you. [laughs] Okay. Tony: Thanks. Kevin: Michael, I didn't get a gift bag. Michael: Well, they're just for guests. If there are any left over, you can buy one later. Hannah: My bag's mostly pencils. Michael: Wh..and coupons... to various hot spots around Scranton. [to Tony] All right! Let me show you to your area, sir. Come on, big guy. Kevin: Can I have your pencils? Hannah: No. Pam: Hi! Karen: Hi. Pam: I'm Pam. Karen: Karen. I love your sweater. Pam: Oh, thanks. My Mom made it for me. Karen: Really? That's so cool. I've always wanted to learn... Michael: Welcome. Karen: ...to knit. Michael: Welcome, welcome, welcome! [in robot voice] Take me to your leader. Oh wait, I am your leader. Karen: Uh wait, are you a robot or a Martian? Michael: Mmm... dah. I am actually your boss, Michael Scott. Welcome. Wow! You are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I. or uh? Andy: I'll be the Number Two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter that makes stairs. Andy: Hello. Michael: Ah! You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome! Andy: And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and... hello. Michael: A-ha-ha-ho. Very good! Welcome to our little kingdom. Ah, we have a bag of nifty gifties for you. Andy: Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom, Mike. Michael: Oh. Andy: Nifty! Michael: They are nifty! They're nifty gifties. Michael: You know who I really like? Is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likable way about him. Martin: ...which is why they need a passing game. Jim: Right. Michael: [to Jim] No way. Get him out of here. We don't want any of this kind in here. Good to see you, man. Jim: Okay. Michael: [to Martin] How are you? Martin Nash, I presume? This is a little gift bag for you. Martin: Oh! Thanks. Michael: Free of charge. Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. [shakes head] Not... so, your desk is... Jim: Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here. Pam: Oh my god! It's really you! Jim: Yeah, I was just doing a little joke there about how we'd never met... Pam: I know. I don't care. Jim: Awesome! Good to be back. The place looks really good. Pam: It's really good to see you. Jim: You, too. Jim: Where do I stand with Pam? Um... no idea. I mean, we're friends. Always have been friends. Um... .that is where we stand. Dwight: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford. Jim: Hey, Dwight. Dwight: Fact - I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me. Jim: Okay. Sounds good. Dwight: What are you doing? Jim: I don't know what you're talking about. Dwight: I have a smudge on my forehead? Jim: No. Looks good. Dwight: Why are you looking at my forehead? Jim: I'm not. Dwight: Meet my eye line, Jim! Jim: I am. Dwight: Stop acting like an idiot! Jim: Okay. Ryan: Hey, buddy. Welcome back. Jim: Hey! How are you man? Good to see... you. Ryan: I'm good! How are you? So... Jim: Oh, I'm sorry. Are you sitting here now? Ryan: Yeah. Jim: Oh. Ryan: Um... unless you really, really want it back. Jim: You know, man, it's really you're call. Ryan: Cool, thank you. Jim: [whispers] Let me get that for you. Ryan: Yuh. Jim: This one taken? No. Good. Ryan: Yeah. Jim is a nice guy. That's why I got the desk. Toby: Hey, this came with the Stamford book. [Sets down box that says: Personnel Files Stamford CT Office Confidential] Can you take care of it? Kevin: Oh, yes I can. Kevin: In general, they do not give me much responsibility. But they do let me shred the company documents. And that is really all I need. Andy: Michael Scott. Thank you. I appreciate it, Mike. Michael: Right. Dwight: Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager. Andy: Andy Bernard. Regional Director in Charge of Sales. Dwight: So you'll be reporting to me, then. Andy: Umm, on the contrary. Dwight: My title has 'Manager' in it. Andy: And I'm a director. Dwight: Oh. Andy: Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film? Dwight: I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them. Andy: Congratulations. Jim: Hey, Toby! Toby: Hey, Jim! Jim: How are you, man? Toby: Oh, really good. Jim: I just wanted to say hi. Toby: How are you? Hey. Welcome back. [puts out fist to bump] Jim: Oh. Is that like your new thing? Toby: No, I'm sorry, it's... Jim: No. It's cool. Toby: No, it's nothing. We'll just... [shakes hand] Jim: All right. Good to be back. Toby: So... okay. Jim: All right. Toby: All right... sorry... sorry about that. Jim: No problem. Toby: It was just... Jim: [off camera] ...what? Toby: Nothing. Kevin: This thing is so awesome. It will shred anything. Ooh! It will shred a CD. It will shred... a credit card. It will shred... oh! [whispers] Shoot. Michael: [talking to himself] I present the orientation video. Dwight: We need to talk! Michael: Not now. Dwight: Which is higher? Assistant Regional Manager or Regional Director in Charge of Sales? Michael: I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale. Dwight: Okay. So who gets paid more? Me or Andy? Michael: It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different. Okay? All right! Show time, part one. Dwight: Ok. Who reports to who? Michael: I don't care! Dwight! You all report to me! That's all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, ok? Dwight: And then if I want... Michael: Work it out amongst your selves! Dwight: I... Michael: Please! I have a company to run. Well, you let me run the company? Dwight: I... Michael: Will you? Dwight: One... Michael: Please? Kelly: Jim! Jim: Kelly! Kelly: Oh! Oh my god! I have so much to tell you! Jim: Really? Kelly: Yes! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? They had a baby and they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? They had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are amazing! Jim: Great. What's new with you? Kelly: I just told you. Michael: Okay. Everybody settled in? Good. Why don't we all proceed in to the conference room? Or, should I say, the banquet hall. For... drum roll, please [makes drum roll noises], the official Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast. Come on in! Michael: Yoko shack. Male voice: ...thank you James. [laughs] Meredith: Hey, champagne. Michael: Nope, no. Guests only. Kelly: Looks like salmon. Michael: Nope. Um... for the guests it is. For you, consider it cow-meat. Strictly taboo. Kelly: I eat beef. Michael: Well, then... consider it poisoned beef. No touchy. Kevin: The beef is poisoned? Michael: No, it's not beef... just... sit down, please. [talks to group] Welcome. Help yourself. Toby: Um... You might want these orientation materials. Michael: Wrong. Toby, this is an orientation not a borientation.[talks to group] Okay. Do not worry. All of your questions are about to be answered. Cell phones and pagers off, please. Jim: Oh, this looks promising. Pam: You won't be disappointed. Michael: Let's face it. Moving to a new job can be very stressful. So I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers. But it's not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. It's funny. It's got a little bit of a zing to it and I hope that it gives you a flavor of what we're all about here at Dunder Mifflin. And what we're all about here in Scranton. So let's just all laugh together and watch 'Lazy Scranton'. Video: [Lazy Scranton Video] Michael: Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon, call my man Dwight just to see what was shakin'. Dwight: Yo Mike, our town is dope and pretty. Michael: So check out how we live Michael & Dwight: in the Electric City! Michael: They call it Scranton. Dwight: What? Michael: The Electric City. Scranton. Dwight: What? Michael: The Electric City. Call poison control if you're bit by a spider. Dwight: But check that it's covered by your health care provider! Jim: It reminds me of the orientation video showed on my first day. 'The Scranton Witch Project'. Michael: [in video] I am so scared... when people don't label their personal food. Video: [Lazy Scranton video continues] Michael: You like coal mines and you wanna see 'em, Well, check it out, yo, the Anthracite Museum! Plenty of space in the parking lot, Dwight: But the little cars go in the compact spot Michael and Dwight: Spot, spot, spot, spot ... Michael: [on video in background] Spot. Scranton. What? The Electric City. Scranton.What? The Electric City. Scranton. What? Michael: Well, so far, I think it is killin'. I thought it would either be an 'A' or an 'A+' but I completely forgot that there's an 'A++'. Karen: [recording phone message] This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message. Jim: Terrible. Totally unconvincing. Karen: [recording] This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message. Jim: Not bad, but you are Italian so... try it more Italian. Karen: [recording] [in bad Italian accent] Dis is Kar-en Fill-uh-pel-li. Please leava me da message. A bon danza. Jim: You feel good? Karen: Mm-hm. Jim: All right. Karen: [recording phone message] Karen Filippelli. Andy: Hey, buddy. Anything new to report? Dwight: Do you mean to me? From you? Cause that's how it works. Andy: Sure thing, buddy. Andy: Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes. Because the angrier he gets, the more marginalized he becomes. Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there layin' on the charm. Andy: Hey, Angela. Check this out. It's my new screen saver. Angela: Oh. Andy: Do you like it? Angela: I do like it, actually. Andy: Thank you. You have such a pretty smile by the way. Angela: Thank you. Andy: You're welcome. Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey! Pam: What happened to grape soda? Jim: Oh yeah. I'm trying to move away from that. Getting into more of a bottled water phase. Pam: Oh. You've changed so much. Jim: Well, I'm evolving, Pam. Pam: So when do I get to hear everything? Are you still getting unpacked or... you want to grab a coffee or something after work? Jim: Oh! Um... tonight, actually? No. I'm uh just still getting settled. Pam: Oh, yeah, no! You know. Whenever. Jim: Okay. Michael: Oh-kay. Sorry to interrupt. I... Jim: Nope. You're not interrupting anything. Nope. I'm... Michael: All right. Jim: Don't... Michael: Okay. Jim: All right. [to Pam] I should probably get back to work. Get back to work. Pam: Yeah. I know, me too. Jim: All right! Pam: The day's going fine. It's been a little chaotic but it's fine. It's great! A lot of distractions. But, it's good. Hannah: [using breast pump] Take a picture. It'll last longer. Ryan: I'm sorry. It's just, it's a little distracting. Creed: Ditto that, my brother. Hannah: Look what's on his computer. Michael: What is that? A squid's eye or... Hannah: It's my left breast. Michael: How did you... Creed: Right place at the right time. Karen: Uh, what's that smell? Phyllis: What smell? Karen: Must be an... air freshener plugged in somewhere. It smells like a funeral home. Phyllis: Oh, I'll help you find it. Karen: Oh, you know. Never... .never mind. Phyllis: What is it? Karen: I... I... I, uh, think I'm just allergic to your perfume. Phyllis: My perfume? Karen: It's just my crazy nose. I'm... uh, used to different smells. Phyllis: Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine. Karen: Who's Bob Vance? Phyllis: You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie. Stanley: I don't know who these new people think they are. I've sat downwind of Phyllis' stinky perfumes for years. Never said a word. Michael: People hate people that are different from them. That's natural. But you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show. That is why I created the 'Integration Celebration'. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one. United in applause. Michael: I know what a lot of you must be thinking. 'Wow! What a day! Feels more like a night at a party than a day at work.' Well, in my opinion, business should feel like a night out. A night... at... the Roxbury. Okay. There's supposed to be music and it's... I got it, I got it! I got it. Dwight! Just. Dwight: Do you have batteries? Michael: Ssshh stupid! Um... Andy: [sings drum beat intro to 'What is Love?'] Michael: That's it! Andy: [sings] What is love? Michael: Yes, yes! Okay! Andy: Baby, don't hurt me. Michael: Okay, here we go. Andy & Michael: Don't hurt me! Baby, don't hurt me! Michael: Oh! Andy: Baby, don't hurt me! Michael: Oh! Oh! Oh! Andy: Whoa-oh-oh-oh Michael: Scuse me! Scuse me! Andy & Michael: Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Whoa-oh-oh... Michael: You me? You me? Me you? You! You! You me! Bow Bow Bow! Andy: Whoa-oh-oh-oh. Michael: You me? You me? Me you me! You! You! You me you! You! Oh my nose so itchy, why's my nose so itchy! Andy: Oh, probably because of all the nose candy. Michael: [laughs hysterically] Okay, I told you these guys had a sense of humor. Dwight: Very funny, Michael! Michael: Okay! Okay! Dwight: Really funny, Michael! Michael: All right, all right, I'm on a roll. Michael: Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them. Karen: Shouldn't we be equals? Michael: Not today. No. Tony! Please join your cohorts on the table if you would. Tony: Uh... this is difficult, for me. Michael: I understand. We're all friends. Tony: No. I mean I can't physically. I can't get on the table. Michael: Oh, well. Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up. Tony: [starts to climb table] Michael: You know what? I'll help. I will... Tony: No, please. No. Michael: Don't be shy! Dwight! Let's do this! Dwight: Do this. Come on. Ready? Michael: Come on. We're doing this thing! Let's get up. Dwight: On three. One... two... three. Michael: Bend at the knees. Okay, here we go. Here we go. I'm under this... I'm under this hock here. I don't know what I'm grabbing here. Tony: All right. All right. Stop. Put me down. Michael: We've almost got it. Push it! Push it! Tony: Let me go! Michael: I'm right in your crack! Tony: Put me down right... Michael: Up and over. Tony: Put me down! Michael: Up and over. Tony: Put me down right now! Michael: You've got it. Tony: I'VE HAD ENOUGH! Michael: You've got it, you've got it. Tony: PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW or else! Michael: Whoa Whoa Whoa! Okay. Dwight: Hey, hey. Easy. Michael: Easy. Tony: I'm sorry! Michael: Don't... Tony: It's just not going to work for me. Michael: What... Tony: I have to go. Michael: I don't understand. Tony: I was on the fence about this and... it's just not a good fit. Michael: Well, we'll squeeze you in. Tony: I can't work here. I have to quit. Michael: You can't quit! On the first day. That's [deep voice] heresy, my friend! [regular voice] Okay, let's talk about this. What happened? I mean, what... Was it Toby? Did he say something? Cause he's... what? Tony: No. Toby was helpful. He was very kind. It's just your management style. Michael: My management style? So... didn't you think 'Lazy Scranton' was funny? Tony: No. Was it supposed to be funny? Michael: Okay. Well, don't bother quitting because you're fired. Tony: Excuse me? Michael: You are fired! I'm sorry, but we don't have quitters on this team! Just clean out your desk! Tony: But there's nothing in my desk except coupons. Michael: Don't try to apologize to me, man! It's too late. Just get out! Take your bad vibes with you. Dwight: That was my advice. Remember? I'm the one who suggested that you fire him. Michael: Probably the best advice you ever gave me, Dwight. Dwight: And what advice has Andy given to you today that you have acted on? Would 'none' be an accurate estimate? None advice? [whispers] Fire Andy. Fire. Andy. Andy: Dwight may have won the battle. But I will win... the next battle. Hannah: Tony was right. This environment is dysfunctional. Angela: Maybe that's because some people treat it like their own private Hooters strip club. Michael: Whoa, Angela! Hold on. Hooters is a restaurant. With over 400 locations worldwide. Stanley: Back to work. We don't have to get along. We just have to work together. Michael: No. We do have to get along. Can't we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King. Michael: The word merger comes from the word marriage. And that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it has become like when my Mom moved in with Jeff. And once again, it becomes my job to fix it. Michael: Hey! Hey, everybody! Something happened! Those guys from Vance Refrigeration, they let the air out of our tires. Dwight: What! Michael: Yeah! They punk'd us! They punk'd us good! Come on. Come on! Karen: Does Bob Vance work for Vance Refrigeration? Jim: Does he ever. Michael: Man, they got us so bad. We cannot let them get away with this. We have got to pull together as one and steal their refrigerators. Dwight: YEAH! Michael: Yeah. Toby: I don't... I don't think we can do that. Michael: Go home, Toby. Just... Martin: Hey! Why doesn't your car have a flat tire? Michael: Why? I will tell you why. Because they saved the worst for me. They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out. It's so hateful. [reads note] 'You guys SUCK! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you SUCK!' Hannah: For crying out loud. Michael: No. No, no, no. No. You are falling for it. You're playing right into their hands. This is just what they want you to do. Don't, oh... Martin: [to Stanley] What's up with this guy? Stanley: Got an hour? I'll try to explain. Michael: THIS IS EGREGIOUS! This is egregious! Stanley: Trust me. It only gets worse. Martin: Is he always like this? Ryan: Sometimes he brings more costumes. Hannah: When do people work? Phyllis: Oh, we find little times during the day. Karen: How are we going to get home? Phyllis: Bob Vance has an air pump. He said he'd fill all our tires up. Karen: Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration. Michael: See that? Mission accomplished. Like a bunch of fourth graders. Sometimes, what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although that'll change. Because, by the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most. [answers phone] Jell-o! Jan: Michael! Michael: Hi, Jan! Jan: Did you fire Tony Gardner when he was trying to quit? Michael: I did. Major personnel crises averted. Compliment accepted. Jan: Do you realize, Michael, that we now have to pay him severance? Michael: Yes. Jan: You do? Michael: But do you realize that that was actually Dwight's idea? Bad advice from my Number Two. Jan: What? No. No. No, Jim is your Number Two. Michael: What? Jan: He's the only one who has worked with both groups. I sent you a memo about this. Michael: Yes, I know that. For, I do read the memos. Michael: So after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun, I have decided to make Jim my new Number Two. Dwight: If he even wants it. It doesn't come with a pay raise. Jim: Yeah, it does, actually. Dwight: So who will be your new Number Three? Michael: Uh... that I have not decided yet. Andy: Michael, I would just like to say you have handled this entire situation with great aplomb. Michael: Thank you, Andy. That's... very kind. Thanks. Dwight: And I have to say your leadership... Michael: Shut it... Dwight: has brought... Michael: Shut it! That's... [whispers to camera] suck up! Jim: [talking on cellphone] Hey! Where you at, Filippelli? Karen: [off camera] I'm at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy. Jim: [laughs] What's wrong? You didn't have a good first day? Karen: Oh my god! Hey! You want to meet at Cooper's in an hour? I need a drink. Jim: Yeah. Sure. Sounds good. I... . [sees Pam in rearview mirror] Hey! You know what? Can I give you a call right back? Karen: Yeah. Jim: Ok, thanks. Karen: Ok. Jim: Hey. Pam: Hey! Jim: I thought you had already... left. Pam: Uh... no. I just uh had some other stuff I had to do. Jim: Oh... Good. Pam: What's up? Jim: Oh, nothing. I just feel bad. I feel like things were a little weird today... or something. Pam: What do you mean? Jim: I just think I should tell you that... I've sort of started seeing someone. And uh... Pam: Oh. That's totally cool. You can do whatever you want. Jim: O..ok. Um..good. Pam: We're friends. We'll always be friends. Jim: Right. Pam: It's good to have you back. Jim: Yeah. Good to be back. Meredith: Where'd you get that salad? Kevin: Staples. Andy: Saw your dorkmobile in the parking lot. What does it get, like four miles to the gallon? Dwight: Uh, try double that. Classic TransAm, vintage American muscle. Please. Andy: Yeah, my Xterra's pretty sweet. Luxurious, yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese. Dwight: Xterra's not even a real word. Andy: Actually, it is. It's Latin for 'earth.' Dwight: Oh, so you drive an X-Earth? Andy: Yeah. Dwight: That makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic TransAm than an XEarth. Andy: Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back. Dwight: Well I hope 1985 has a time machine 'cause I drive an 87. Andy: Oh, speaking of time machines, I just got back from the future and I went to your funeral and, guess what, nobody came. Dwight: Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die. Andy: Oh, that was a really well constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-not University. Dwight: Idiot! Andy: If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a TransAm. Dwight: If you were driving a TransAm, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world. Andy: [coughs word] Idiot! Dwight: [coughs sentence] You're the idiot! Andy: [coughs sentence] Nice comeback! Dwight: [coughs sentence] I was making fun of your comeback! That's why it worked. [talks normally to camera] Totally got the best of that interchange. Michael: And this is, don't tell me, Martin... Ne... Ne...Nack. Dwight: Nash. Michael: Martin Nash. Okay. Dwight: Male, age 37... Michael: Good. Dwight: Mocha complexion. Supplier relations. Either caught a fish or was standing next to a man who caught a fish in Key West, Florida. Michael: What are you talking about? Dwight: [holds up piece of paper] It wasn't clear on the Google Image search. Michael: All right, just... Jim: Hey, Kev. How you doing? Kevin: Hey, man. Good. Listen, my M&M's are under the desk if you want any. Jim: Okay. Kevin: Hidden from [whisper] them. Jim: Smart. Good. [to Angela] Hey, Angela. Angela: You need a hair cut. Jim: Bye, Angela. All right, Kev. Kevin: See you later, Jim. Jim: See you later. Kevin: [to Angela] It's his first day back. Angela: His hair's flipping out on the sides. Kevin: [smiles] I like it. Angela: Oh, my Lord. Pam: This is weird with you facing the other way. Jim: Yeah, I never even knew that part of the office existed. [Pam chuckles] Hey, who's that guy? [Jim points to Stanley] Pam: That's Stanley Hudson. Jim: Huh. Pam: He's one of our salesmen. Jim: Seems like a nice enough guy. Pam: Oh very. Jim: What about, uh.. [points at Meredith] Pam: Hmm, that is... Janet Fenstermaker. Jim: Really? Pam: [Pam nods head] You should say hi. Use her full name. Jim: Thank you for all of this. This is so helpful. You know what? One last question. Um, who is that fine older gentleman in the corner? [points to Creed] Pam: Uh, that is Creed Bratton. He has four toes and he fought in the Civil war. Jim: For the North. Pam: For both sides. Whoever paid more. Jim: Obviously. Pam: Yeah. Ryan: Hey, uh sorry. Seriously, can you guys... I'm trying to get some work done. Jim: Sorry. Man. [Pam hesitates and then leaves] Ryan: Thanks. Karen: Hey, nice thermos. Meredith: [notices Karen has same thermos as herself] Hey. That's funny. Karen: Yeah. Meredith: [holds out flask] Do you want a little? Karen: Uh no, I'm fine, thank you. Meredith: Okay. If you change your mind, you just let me know, okay? Karen: Yeah, I'm okay, thanks. Meredith: That's cool. Andy: [approaching Kevin to shake hand] Hi, Andy Bernard. Kevin: Kevin Malone. Andy: Nice to meet you. Kevin: What's that on your shirt? [points to Andy's shirt] Andy: That is a penguin. You like it? Kevin: The Penguin. Andy: Andy, or Andrew. Kevin: Okay, Penguin. [laughs] Michael: Smiles. Andy: Yeah. Michael: Good, what's funny? Kevin: Michael, have you met the Penguin? Michael: Oh, nicknames, yay! Penguin power. Andy: Ha, that's why I wore this shirt. Michael: Good. Michael: Hey, girls. What's happening? Startinng to blend? Well, before long, you guys keep hanging out, you guys you are gonna share the same menstrual cycle. Martin: [sniffs. Pans to Creed eating his mungbeans.] Hannah: [pushing back desk item] Here you go. Meredith: That was in your way? Hannah: Um Meredith: Sorry. Hannah: Yeah, I mean my stuff's coming over, but umm... is this...is this yours? [holds up travel mug] Meredith: [takes mug] Yes. Andy: Hey Kevin. Kevin: Yeah. Andy: Have you lost weight? Kevin: Well... I... Hey. You've never met me before. Andy: I know, but you just give off the vide of a guy who's getting thinner. Kevin: Well, thanks. I appreciate that. Andy: You're welcome. Kevin: You know who I really like? That guy, Andy. Michael: Can't we all get along? No, we can't. But here's the thing: yes, we can. Well, why not? Because of differeneces. Well, can we overcome these differences? No. Can we find each other and connect with each other in spite of these differences? No, we can't. But, we have to try and that is why I created the Integration Celebration. Michael: I need somebody to pick a card. [Dwight raises hand] One of the new people, please? Tony? [Tony walks away] Andy: [gets up] I'll do it. Michael: All right. Good. Thank you. [Andy picks a card] Do not look at your card. Now, I've always said that to be a great salesman is to have the ability to connect with people right here [puts hand over heart]. So to be a great salesman is to be a king of hearts. Turn over your card. Andy: [turns over card] King of hearts. Dwight: [starts clapping] Very good Michael. Really good. [Michael shushes Dwight] Michael: So I think in order for us all to work together well we must come together as a family and then we can all be [starts to fan out the rest of his cards facing the group showing kings of hearts] a king of hearts. Andy: [claps] That was fantastic. Dwight: [clapping] No, no, it's better than fantastic. It's super perfect. Michael: Dwight, don't, don't be a suck up. Michael: What I want all of you [points at Scranton branch] to do is approach one of the new people and tell them the one thing that you like most about them. Who wants to start? Who wants to give it a shot? Meredith: [raises hand] I want to. Michael: Okay Meredith, let's give it a shot. Meredith: [to Martin] I love your complexion. It's like devil's food cake. Martin: Thank you. Michael: [clapping] Beautiful. Very good, nice. Dwight: It just goes to show you, you play with fire and you are gonna singe your eyebrows. And they do not grow back the same way. [takes of glasses and points to right eyebrow] Andy: It is inspiring to me to watch you navigate these murky waters. Michael: Okay. Dwight: Bull... [bleep] [clears throat] Sorry. Michael: We heard it. Jim: Yeah. Michael: We heard what you said. You didn't cover it at all. Dwight: I had a tickle in my throat. Michael: [points at camera] They're gonna have... You can't say that, all right? Dwight: I can't say [clearinng throat noise]? Michael: [clearing throat noise] Idiot. Dwight's an idiot! Did you catch that or did... did the cough cover it? Dwight: Sometimes it hurts Michael. Michael: [cleaing throat] You're a jerk. Dwight's a jerk!

Pam: Ohhhh! She's absolutely adorable! Hannah: He. Pam: ...Oh, sorry. He's-he's dressed all in pink. Hannah: That's his favorite color. Pam: ...Oh. That's... fun for him. Stanley: Fantastic. Michael: Ohhh, wow. Look at that. How cute. Hannah: Thank youuu. Michael: Ohh. May I? Hannah: Uh, sure! Michael: [climbs under desk] Hey, look at me, I'm a baby! I'm one of those babies from 'Look Who's Talking.' What am I thinking? [Laughs] Look at all those staplers! What's a stapler!? I don't even know, I'm a baby! Hey, Mom, I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty, Mama! I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from! Breasts. Karen: Hey. Jim: Hey. Karen: ...Almost done? Jim: Just about... yup. Now. Jim: Yes. I have started to see Karen. It's very new, and... not really ready to talk about it openly yet, just because, I think, once the word gets out there, it might affect the way people behave around us or... I dunno. Just, not yet. Michael: Yeah, Jan, it um... looks like a check, piece of paper of some sort. Receipt. I don't know. Angela: Jan, this is Angela Martin from accounting. Jan: [over phone] Mmhmm. Angela: Look, we have a rebate from... the Federal Work Opportunity Program and no one knows what that means. Jan: We get that money for hiring an ex-convict. Michael: I didn't hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist. [Jan sighs] ... I'm just kidding. Jan: When did the check come? Angela: Last week. Jan: Okay, that's when the branches merged, so Josh must have been taking advantage of this program. Smart move. Angela: One of the Stamford people is a criminal? Michael: Hey Jan, speaking of Stamford, Hannah brought in her baby. Angela: Jan, which one of the new employees is a criminal? Jan: Uh, reformed convict, and, uh, I'm not sure. Though hang on, let me email our HR, stay on the line. Pam: [whispering] Who is it? Michael: Hannah? Kevin: Hmm. Angela: Hmm. Kevin: Andy. Angela: Andy? Kevin: Hmm. Martin? Michael: Kuhhhh... you are such a racist. Kevin: Wait, why am I a racist? Michael: Because you think he's black. Kevin: He is black... right? And... Michael: Stop it. Stop it right-stop it right now. Jan: ...Okay it's someone named Martin Nash. Kevin: Yeah! Jan: Michael? Michael: Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy... who went to prison for... polluting a black guy's lake. Kevin: I wonder what he did. Michael: In our society, a black man can be arrested for almost anything. He was probably at a sporting event and... saw some people pushing each other, and he intervened. Pam: Why would anyone go to jail for that? Michael: Sssssso, what we need to do... is to forget about this whole Martin in prison thing. People will draw unfair conclusions about Martin and or black people. Kevin: Cool. Pam: Okay. Angela? Angela: Sure. Let's protect the convicts. At the expense of the general feeling of safety in the workplace. As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit, rarely-visited corner of the office, naturally I agree with that. Michael: Good. All right. [everyone leaves] Jim: [picks up phone] Jim Halpert. Andy: [over phone] I am so horny. Jim: ...Okay I can't... help you... with that. Andy: Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack. Jim: She is dating Ryan, I think. Andy: Oh, and I care why? Jim: She's... high-maintenance. Andy: Next. How about... [motions toward Angela]. Blondes are more fun. C'mon, trust me on that. Jim: Yeah, trust me, that would be fun for no one. Andy: Okay fine. Um. Pam, the receptionist. Paaam. Should I go for it? Jim: ...Absolutely you should. Andy: Jackpot. Michael: Just... try to be cool. Dwight: I am cool. Michael: Okay, are you cool, really? Dwight: I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm so cool. Tell me what is going on. Michael: Um... Martin, from Stamford, was, at one time, in prison. [Dwight starts to run] No. Dwight! Be cool! Be cool! Dwight: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals. Andy: All... righty, let's get started. What is she into? Jim: I know Pam pretty well. I know the things that she likes, and, just as important, I know the things that she hates. So, one of the things that she likes is pranks. And, the things that she hates... Jim: Frisbee-based competitions... Andy: Are you kidding? Jim: She... Andy: I started the main Frisbee golf club at Cornell. Where I went to college. I live to frolf. Jim: Lead off with that. She loves hunting. She also loves those ads for Six Flags, with the old guy. [Andy hums Six Flag ad] Got it. Also... do you speak pig latin? Michael: Hey Martin, how's it going? Martin: Good. Getting settled, you know? Michael: Ah. Good good. Good. Just a second. Everybody? May I have your attention please? I realize that a lot of you have already heard that Martin here has had some trouble with the law, but I just want to declare publicly that I... trust... him, completely, and that anybody who doesn't is an ignorant, dumb... person. Okay? As a matter of fact, you show me a white man you trust and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam. Tell me a white person you trust. Pam: My dad. Michael: ...Danny Glover. [Jim raises hand] Yeah. Jim: Jonas Salk. Michael: Who? Jim: Justin Timberlake? Michael: Oh. Please. Colin Powell. Karen: Hey I got one. Michael: Yup. Karen: Jesus. Michael: Apollo Creed. Michael: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants... he says something ordinary like... 'yo, thats shizzle.' Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you. Martin: So... you all wanna know what I was in for? Michael: No. That's not cool. You don't have to tell them. Martin: Um, I really don't mind. It was a stupid mistake. I was working in finance and, I... got involved in some insider trading. So, I spent a little time in the clink. Michael: [laughs] That is awesome. Kevin: I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for, because... it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day. Pam: What was prison like? Martin: Not terrible. Boring. We do the same thing every day. But... at least we got outdoors time. Kevin: You got outdoors time? Martin: Two hours, every day. Sometimes we'd play pickup football games... Kevin: Michael, why don't we get outdoors time? Pam: Yeah, some days I never go outside. Michael: Well, we are running a business, so. Meredith: What was your cell like? Martin: Not good. Uh... a little bit bigger than Michael's office... but, you know, I really only slept there. You know, during the day, there-our time's our own. They had uh, classes, I took some... watercolor classes. Pam: They have art classes? Martin: Yeap. Yeah. Ryan: They have business classes there? Martin: They did, taught by some uh, Harvard business school guys-a lot of the guys also, that were in the class, the inmates, a lot of them have gone on to do extraordinary things in business. Pam: Kinda sounds like... prison's... better than Dunder-Mifflin. Michael: Ah. Well. That's not true. Kevin: I would so rather be in prison. Ryan: Prison sounds great. Michael: No you would not. Michael: This place is not prison. It's... way better than prison. Creed: [singsong voice] Baby. Hello baby. Here you want to play with this? Karen: You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow. Creed: Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of them. You like that? Goo-goo-goo-goo? Andy: Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Listen, you're cute. There is no gettin' around it. So... I don't know if you like country music, but I was thinking maybe one of these days we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes, smoke a few Macanudos... maybe even toss a disk around. Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay? Pam: Wow... I- Andy: Shh. Think about it. I'll hit you back. Pam: Wow. That was... wow. Michael: Okay! Listen up everybody! Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place, and I heard ya, loud and clear, so, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison. We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let's go! Pam: Michael, it's freezing out. Phyllis: I can't feel my toes. Michael: Why don't we... pump some iron? Anyone wanna... pump up? Jim: What is that, like... five pounds? Michael: It's uh... two and a half. I'm not going for bulk, I'm going for tone. Stanley: I'm going back inside. Michael: Yeah, it's... freaking cold out here. Anybody wants to stay out, you've got about... twenty-seven minutes of rec time. Michael: Oh heyyy. Martiiin. You have TV in the joint? Martin: Yeah, in the rec room. Michael: Ah. A ten inch black and white? Martin: Actually, our TV was bigger than that one. Michael: These people don't realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole. Jim: Oh. Andy. I thought of one last tact you can take with Pam. Andy: Yeah. Jim: Quick question - do you play the guitar? Andy: I play the banjo. Jim: Hold on, let me think about that, yes, that'll work. But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice? Andy: [singing] You know I can, my man. Jim: Yup. That's perfect. Karen: Hey. Jim: Hey. Andy: I'm gonna go get my banjo out of my car. Jim: Perfect. Karen: What is going on? Jim: ...I'm messing with Andy. I'm sending him to all the women in the office with... just... terrible information on how to get them to go out with him. Karen: I love it. I want in. Who's the target? Jim: ...Oh, you know what? ... It was... gonna be Pam, but... Karen: Perfect. What do I do? Just give me an assignment. Jim: Uh, you know what though? I feel like I already sicked him on Pam... we'll give her a break. Let's think of someone else. Michael: All right everybody, there has been a lot of name calling against our office today. Corporate maligning, slurring, much of it coming from one of you, who claims that prison is better... than... here. And none of can say 'Boo' because none of us have ever been to prison. Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet. Somebody else who has been to prison, who can tell you what it is really like [puts on bandanna]. I'm prison Mike! You know why they call me prison Mike?! Angela: Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else? Michael: Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?! [employees protest] All right, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight. I AM HERE TO SCARE YOU STRAIIIGHT!! In prison you are somebody's bitch. Oh, and you. [points to Ryan] You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don't drop the soap! Don't drop the soap! Ryan: Michael, please. [Michael makes kissing noises] Jim: Where... did you learn all of this? Michael: Internet. Jim: So, not prison. Michael: And prison. Eh, fifty-fifty, both. Look, prison stinks, is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home, and, recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and, be with your friends, having fun in the office. Jim: What'd you do, Prison Mike? Michael: I stole. ... And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the... president's son. And held him for ransom. Jim: That is... quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike. Michael: And I nevah got caught, neither. Jim: Well, you're... in... prison, but, mmhmm. Pam: Prison Mike? What was the food like in prison? Michael: Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair. Andy: Wow. Prison sounds horrible. Michael: Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you, Andy. Tanks. Dwight: Prison Mike. What's the very very worst thing about prison? Angela: Don't encourage him, Dwight. Michael: The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors. They... were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And they'd come down, and they'd suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt! Karen: Demen-Dementors like in Harry Potter? Michael: No, not Harry Potter. ... There are no movies in prison. This is my point! You guys got it soft, and cushy! This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome! Your boss is nice! Everyone seems to get along! People are tolerant! People who... have jumped to conclusions can redeem themselves! Nobody is nobody's bitch. I hope that this scared you. And from me, Prison Mike, to you, I just wanna thank you for listening to me. Letting me be a part of your life today. 'Cause you got a good life! YOu got a good life. A good life. [turns around, takes bandanna off] So. What do you think? It doesn't sound so great, does it? Pam: Wow. Thank you. Um, that must have been hard for you to relive that. Both of you. Martin: Yeah, that... wasn't really... at all my experience. There were certain elements of what you performed, I've seen on television. But it didn't remind me of my time in prison. Michael: Okay. Okay, fine. You guys think prison is so great? All right. Well, here you go. [locks employees in conference room] Jim: Okay, Michael. Come on. Let us out. Michael: No! If you think is prison is so wonderful, then, enjoy prison! They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it's like to have freedom. And if this doesn't bother them, then I am out of ideas. Kevin: [knocking on door] Hey! Let us out of here! Hey! I have- Hannah: Shh! Toby: [answering phone] This is Toby. Hey Pam. Where are you calling from? Toby: Michael. Why's everyone locked in the conference room? Michael: They were very disrespectful to me, and to the office. And Martin has had a bad influence, to think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Toby: Well, you're going to have to let 'em out. Or... or I will. Michael: Okay. You know what Toby? I am teaching them a lesson, so. Toby: You know they're teasing you. I mean... obviously, this is... a much nicer place than an actual prison. We get paid to be here. We go home afterwards and have social lives. We have... we have parties here. They're teasing you. To be funny. Michael: [unlocks door] Okay nutcases, get out of there! Good work. Long day. Really long. Why don't you guys head home. Early. Time off for good behavior! Heh. Good job. Enjoy your freedoms! Michael: Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford... to a convict, to... my friend. Back to a convict. Then to... a kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest. And finally, to... a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black. Andy: [singing] So we've been told, and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong, wait and see, 'cause one day we'll find it, the ainbowray onnectionkay, the lovers, the dreamers, and meeee...

Dwight: Merry Christmas! [holds up dead goose and puts it on Pam's desk] Pam: Merry Christ-[looks up] NO! Why... why did you bring that here? Dwight: Don't worry, she's dead. Oh wait. He's dead. Pam: Dwight, what uh... Dwight: I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle! Pam: Well, get it out of here. Dwight: Relax, OK. And because this is Christmas, I am going to roast this goose and prepare it with a wild rice dressing. Do we have any cayenne pepper in the kitchen? Jim: Merry Christmas Dwight. Dwight: Jim. Jim: Wow. What have we got here? Dwight: What does it look like? Jim: Dead goose. Dwight: And circle gets the square. Jim: All right. Dwight: [to Pam] So can you watch this? I'm gonna get my carving knife out of the trunk. Toby: Oh, Dwight, we talked about this. Dwight: No, Toby, this is different. He's already dead. Dwight: Once I brought in a duck. To prepare for lunch. And people got upset. Apparently, they got attached to the duck and didn't want to see it killed. Dwight: He was already dead. And we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious, smoky, rich flavor. Plus you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease. Jim: Wow. Win-Win. Dwight: Exactly. Thank you, Jim. Phyllis: I like goose. If it's already dead is it so crazy we eat it? Creed: That's crazy. It's crazy. Toby: Dwight, you cannot keep that here. Dwight: Ok, that is ridiculous. And totally against the spirit of Christmas. Toby: Come on Dwight. We went over this, like for a half an hour. Dwight: It's Christmas Toby. Toby: It's a dead animal in an office. You can't... Dwight: Toby... Toby: I'm sorry. Dwight: [sighs] Please? Please? Toby: Clean it in your car. Pam: I would like it off my desk. Dwight: Oh Pam. Take a chill pill. Michael: [Riding a bicycle down the hallway and singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la la la la la. [Struggling to stay on] 'Tis the ... ack. [expletive] Hey! [to Pam] I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candied Pams. And perhaps, some Pam-chops, with mint... Pam: Can I help you, Michael? Michael: I'm looking for the toy drive box. Pam: It's behind you. Michael: OK... Well, I need to put this bike in there. I hope it'll fit, with all these little knickknacks. Jim: Wow. What kind of bike is that? Michael: Umm... I don't know? Average kind? Kevin: The tires look pretty worn. Michael: Well, that is probably from the test drive. Jim: But the paint's chipping. Is that your old bike, Michael? Michael: No. Andy: Yo, Michael, sweet ride Mike. Michael: Oh, thanks. [Michael and Andy do a fist bump and explosion.] Pam: Michael? Michael: Yes? [Pam holds up a bag] Oh Pam, that is so sweet. You didn't have to do that. Pam: [hands over bag] I didn't, it's from corporate. Michael: OK. Did everybody get one of these? Pam: Yup. Michael: Terrific. Good. Michael: This is going to be the best Christmas ever. My girlfriend Carol is coming to our party tonight, and I have a little surprise for her. [singing] I've got two tickets to paradise! Pack your bags, we're leaving the day-after-tomorrow! Um, taking her to Sandals, Jamaica, all-inclusive. All-inclusive. You know what that means? Right? Yeah. Jim: [Creed takes toy from toy drive box.] Oh, I think you're supposed to put a toy Creed: And a happy holiday to you. Jim: [Carol walks through door looking upset] [waves] Carol. Carol: Hi, is Michael around here? Michael: There she is. A Christmas Carol. Hello [kisses Carol] You're about five hours early to the party. You're such a blonde. [laughs] Carol: Michael. Michael: Hey, everybody. I don't know who you haven't met yet, but I think this is one of them. This is my girlfriend - Carol. This is just the front of her. Show 'em, show 'em the other side. Carol: [whispers] What? Michael: Turn around, turn around. Come on. [making a body turning gesture] Carol: Get outta here. Michael: No, you get outta here. Andy: Michael Michael: Yes. Andy: If I may say. She's even prettier that you described her. Dwight: [standing up] Oh, ouch. Michael, I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you described her. Michael: Thank you. Carol: I really need a moment alone with you. [Carol heads towards Michael's office.] Michael: Not as much as I need a moment alone with you. [puts finger on her back and reaches for her butt] Berp. Carol: What is this? [Holds up a Christmas photo] Michael: That is my Christmas card. It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip, having a blast. Ski-sons Greetings. Carol: No. See, we never went on a ski trip. Michael: I know. Carol: I went on a ski trip. Michael: Right. Carol: Two years ago with my kids and my ex-husband. Michael: Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time was that I was with you in a sense. I was in your heart... Carol: Michael. Michael: And next to your kids. What? Carol: This is so weird. Michael: I don't understand? Jim: It's a bold move, to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. [Towards unseen cameraman] Is bold the right word? Carol: I think you're a really sweet guy. Michael: OK Carol: But, um, I don't know how to deal with, with this thing [waves Christmas card]. And, and the proposal. And I don't think things are going to work out with us. Michael: No, no no no Ok, OK, You know what, you're not thinking straight. You know what you need? You need to think this through in [making drum noise] Jamaica's largest fresh water pool. Carol: What are you talking about? Michael: I got us tickets to Sandals, Jamaica, We leave day after tomorrow. [Carol shakes head in disappointment]. You better find the skimpiest bikini there is. Carol: Oh, no. Michael. Michael: And it's all inclusive. Carol: Michael... Michael: Yes. Carol: I'm sorry. Michael: No, Carol. You walk out that door and it is over. Carol: I know. [Closes door.] Pam: Psst. Jim. [Jim turns around. Pam nods head towards her for him to come over] Um, hey. I need to give you your Christmas gift now because, well, I'll just tell you. Jim: What? Pam: For the past few months I've been sending Dwight letters from the CIA. [hands a folder to Jim] Jim: Are you serious? Pam: They're considering him for a top secret mission. There's his application. Oh, and this is where I made him list every secret he promised he'd never ever tell. Jim: [Opens folder and reads from Dwight's file] Last year, my boss, Michael Scott, took a day off because he said he had pneumonia, but really, he was leaving early to go to magic camp. Wow. Pam: So... here's the gift. You get to decide what his top secret mission is. [Jim smiles] Sorry I didn't wrap it. Jim: [closes folder] You know what? Uh, I really don't think I should be doing this stuff anymore, you know? Pam: Oh. Jim: No, because of the promotion. Pam: Oh yeah. Jim: It just feels a little bit, like... Pam: No, I get it, of course. OK. [holds out hand for folder. Jim gives Pam back the folder.] Jim: I feel like there's a chance for me to start over. And if I fall back into the same kind of things I used to do., then ... what am I doing? Michael: I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is canceled. Stanley: You can't cancel a holiday. Michael: Keep it up Stanley and you will lose New Year's. Stanley: What does that mean? Michael: Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley. Pam: Michael, what's going on? Michael: Carol and I split up. Amicably. And I just don't think it would be appropriate to celebrate under the circumstances. Jim: Will they still air 'Rudolph?' Kevin: That's not fair. Dwight: [over everybody else's talking] Are we gonna cancel Hanukah as well? Michael: Fine! [everybody stops talking] Have your party. Just no guests. Phyllis: But we invited guests. Michael: Well, you know what Phyllis? All of your guests would have probably canceled at the last minute anyway, leaving your life a stupid rotten mess. Michael: Oh, oh, oh, oh, it hurts. Pam: I know. Michael: It hurts my heart. It hurts my stomach. It hurts my arms. Pam: OK, well, why are you laying like that? Michael: [moves a little] Thanks. How did you push away the bad thoughts? Pam: Like what? Michael: Like maybe, the real reason they left was because there were things they wanted you to do in bed, that were, foreign, and scary? Pam: Well.. um I, I don't... Michael: And not that you didn't want to try them. Some wine may have helped. Do you know what I'm referring to? Pam: I don't need to know. Dwight: Michael. Sorry to interrupt. Uh, It appears we're one bathrobe short. Michael: Take it from Toby. Dwight: Copy. Michael: Hey, would you like to go to Sandals, Jamaica with me? Pam: No, thank you. Michael: It's all... [Pam walks away.] OK. Toby: Hey Dwight. Pretty nice robe- [Dwight grabs bag with robe in it and walks away.] Why? Angela: Phyllis, I need you to pick up green streamers at lunch. Phyllis: I thought you said green was whorish. Angela: No, orange is whorish. Karen: Uh, so I had a couple of ideas to make the Stamford people feel more at home. Each year we have a Christmas raffle ... [Phyllis and Pam nod their heads in agreement]. Angela: It would never work here. Karen: Ok ... um, another idea was karaoke ... Angela: No. Karen: A Christmas drinking game ... Meredith: Yes. Angela: God help you. Karen: What? Angela: These are all terrible ideas and none of them are on the theme of 'A Nutcracker Christmas.' I think you should leave. Karen: You're kidding. Angela: You tried this out, and it's clearly not for you. It's time to go. Come on. [Angela gets up from seat] Please. [Karen gets up and leaves] Thank you. OK, thank you very much. [Angela closes door] Michael: What are you doing? ['Goodbye My Lover' by James Blunt plays] Dwight: [putting things into a box] We are getting rid of everything that reminds you of Carol. Andy: Hey, what's the haps? [Dwight shuts door in his face.] Michael: Carol? Dwight: Oh, look at this. [looks through papers] Your old condo closing papers. It's riddled with Carol's name. I wish I could throw this in the box. [Michael hits repeat to 'Goodbye My Lover' on computer] Dwight: Why don't you just buy the whole song? Michael: I don't have to buy it. I just want to taste it. I just... I just want a little taste of it. Dwight: Oh, look at this, she saved you two thousand dollars 'cause they failed to report a mold problem. [Continues to sift through papers] But wouldn't that affect the final... How did she? Oh, oh, I see what she did. That is good. Wow. Carol is one smart cookie. Michael: [singing] Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. [hits repeat again] Michael: This is an old adage, but they say when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours. With Carol, I knew within the first 24 minutes of the second day I met her. Pam: I feel like I've been kinda cold to Karen and there's no real reason for it. I mean it's not like she's ever done anything to me. So, I think I probably shouldn't be cold to her. Pam: Hey, Karen. Sorry about that meeting today, that was really crazy. Karen: Yeah, right? I'm so glad you said that. Because, I don't know how those meetings usually go. Pam: Um, usually like that. Karen: Does anyone ever stand up to Angela or..? Pam: I think one of her cats did once. She came in with scratches all over her face. [both laugh] Karen: Right. Pam: Um, I really liked your karaoke idea. Karen: Oh cool, yeah. Pam: That could really be fun. Karen: Oh, thank you. Pam: You guys do a raffle? Karen: Yeah, we do a raffle... Toby: Hey Kev. Kevin: Hey. [Toby puts hand on Kevin's back, who is wearing the robe and feels it a little bit.] Angela: This should've been up yesterday. [refers to party flyer] Phyllis: It'll be all right. Angela: [Pam puts up another flyer] What is that? [Reads flyer] The 'Committee to Plan Parties invites you to a margarita-karaoke Christmas?' There's no such thing as the 'Committee to Plan Parties.' Pam: There is now. We just started it. Angela: Well, you just can't start a committee. You have to have funding. Karen: What's your funding? Angela: Two hundred dollars. Pam: What's ours again? Karen: Umm, two hundred and one dollars. Pam: Oh right. Kelly: [pointing] Hey, a margarita-karaoke Christmas party, that sounds like fun. Angela: No, that is not a party. There's only one party and it's hosted by the Party PLANNING Committee and it starts at three o'clock. Kevin: Then why are there two flyers? Karen: Oh, I understand that this is confusing for everyone, let me explain. There's a party that starts at three. Kevin: Right. Karen: And then there's a way more fun party that starts at two forty-five. Pam: Right, and if you're interested in the way more fun party, all the info can be found here on our more brightly colored flyer. [Angela rips down brightly colored flyer and walks away. Karen rips down Angela's flyer.] Kevin: I didn't see where it was. Jim: Yup, looks like the Scranton people and the Stamford people are finally coming together. And that's what you want, right? Karen: I think that's a really good option... Dwight: Pam and Karen. I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning. Immediately. Pam: You can't do that. Dwight: As ranking number three in this office, I am order - Andy: Umm... I'm number three. Dwight: You're number four. Andy: Yeah, but I'm number three. Dwight: Ah, no. [to Pam and Karen] You must turn over to me all Christmas decorations and party paraphernalia immediately that will be returned to you on January fourth. Jim: OK, I think I can help here. Dwight: Ok, good Jim: As ranking number two, I am starting a committee to determine the validity of the two committees and I am the sole member. The committee will act on this now. Dwight: OK, this is stupid. Jim: Could you please keep it down? [interrupted Dwight] I'm in session. I've determined that this committee is valid. [Pam and Karen cheer.] Dwight: No no, no, wait, wait, wait [raises hand] Permission to join the Validity Committee. Jim: Permission denied. Dwight: Damn it! Andy: Hey. I can't concentrate when I know you're in pain, man. Let me take you to lunch. [Michael sighs.] C'mon, my treat. Michael: All right. Nothing here to distract myself with anyway. Andy: That's my boy. I know the perfect place, too. Michael: Hooters? Andy: No. Benihana. Much classier. But don't worry, the babes are totally hot, too. [do a fist bump and explosion] Michael: Ah, I need my entourage [both exit Michael's office] Jim. Dwight. Ryan. C'mon, we're going to Asian Hooters. Ryan: Ah man, I can't. Michael: Why not? Ryan: I'm not feeling so well. I've got a ton of work to do here. MSG allergy, peanut allergy, I just ate there last night. [Michael feels Ryan's forehead] Michael: Ok, feel better. Ryan: Thanks. Michael: C'mon Jim, let's go. Jim: OK. [to Ryan] Wow, thanks for taking all the excuses, dude. Ryan: Doctor appointment, car trouble, plantar warts, granddad fought in World War II. Use your head, man. I keep mine in here. [Holds up blackberry.] Look alive, Halpert. Welcome back. Michael: Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho and you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then ... and then suddenly she's not yo' ho no mo'. Andy: So she looks really hot, so I said, 'You look hotter than usual today.' [to waitress] Thank you. Michael [gesturing to sit down.] Head of the table. Dwight: Get out Jim. [Dwight tries to sit between Andy and Jim] Actually, um... [to two other people at the table] Sir, I'm going to need take this chair. Michael: Dwight, just, just leave them alone please. They're on a date. They look very happy. Andy: So she looks at me right, and she goes, 'I'm sorry, don't I even know you?' After a year, a Jim: Yes. Dwight: I can't... I can't here what you're saying. Michael: Carol used to drink lattes. Dwight: [off screen at other end of table] What're you talking about? Michael: She would get this little foam mustache... Dwight: [still off screen] Carol had a mustache? Michael: And I used to say 'Hey, got latte?' And she'd say, that's not funny. Dwight: [off screen] What are you guys talking about? Michael: She totally got me. She understood that we didn't have to laugh to enjoy - Dwight: Michael! Repeat what you said louder! Dwight: It is my job to be there for Michael. How can I be there for Michael if I'm here for Michael? [food is thrown at Dwight's face] Michael: I'm already starting to forget what color eyes she had. I can't, OK, I'm gonna call her. I am gonna call and find out... Andy: No. Dwight: Who are you calling? Michael: I'm just gonna call her. Andy: Put that away. Put that away. S.O.S. We... I... May day. Haha. Man down over here, [to waitress] we need your help. Waitress: What can I get for 'ya? Andy: I think we'll start with a round of noga-sakes. [waitress gives confused look] Andy: One part eggnog, three parts sake. Some places won't make it for you though, because eggnog is seasonal. Phyllis: You should, you should put out salt for the rims [referring to margaritas] Pam: That's a great idea. Angela: Phyllis? Phyllis: I was just getting a snack. Pam: You can have your snack in here. Angela: Pam, don't tell her what to do! Phyllis. Phyllis: OK. Kevin: I think I'll go to Angela's party, because that's the party I know. Ryan: I miss the days when there was only one party I didn't want to go to. Roy: So I only use three? Pam: If you're using more than three pieces of tape to wrap a present, you're doing it wrong. Roy: OK. And where to do you get all those cool bows? Pam: Oh, I just get those at any party supply place. Roy: OK. Are you sure I can't use like, the cartoons from the newspaper? Pam: Oh yeah, your mom would love that. Roy: [Karen walks in] Hey. All right, I'll see you guys later. [leaves room] Pam: Bye. Karen: He's cute. You should date him. Pam: Oh, yeah... Maybe. Dwight: Looks like you've got a little Nakiri knife action going there. Chef: No, it's Usuba. Dwight: Yeah, I bet you wish you had a Nakiri, though. Chef: Actually, the Usuba's the better knife when you're working with this quantity. Dwight: Nah, I don't know... Still think Nakiri's better. Woman at bar: I think he'd know. [Dwight and her stare at each other] Michael: Nothing he's doing is cheering me up. Andy: Wait for the onion. Trust me. Hey Cindy, he just had his heart broken, you wouldn't do that to him, would you? Cindy: I don't know. Michael: Oh, sure you would. Look at you, I bet you break up with a guy every hour. [Cindy laughs and walks away] Andy: You made her laugh. Yes! She totally digs us. [referring to what chef is doing] Watch, watch, watch, watch. [Onions smoke up] Heh, heh? What did I tell 'ya? Michael: You're right. That's good. Pam: Hello everyone. We would just like to announce that our party is starting now in the break room. So... you can come by... . Angela: I have a very important announcement to make... about... your paychecks. Umm... Your paychecks will be arriving as scheduled on Friday. And they will be in the correct amount that they are normally in... Please stand by for a very important announcement... refer..[starts to leave office] for further regarding your paycheck! [runs outside] Angela: [on cell phone to Dwight] I need to know if I can start the party? Dwight: Michael! Hey! Over here, Michael! [waves down Michael with a napkin and whistles to get attention] Andy: This drink... [in audible conversation with Michael] Michael: I don't know. No one can hear me. You know what? Start the party. Angela: Did Michael give you permission to do this? Dwight: [with conviction] Start the party. Angela: [Angela slams phone shut and runs back to office.] Also, I would like to inform you that, um, as a special treat, my party will be starting early. In fact, it will be starting right now [opens door to conference room.] Pam: Our party is also starting now [opens door to break room.] Karen: Yup. Karen: [Stanley gets up and walks towards the break room.] All right Stanley. Woo. Pam: Good choice. [Kelly drags Ryan to the break room.] Angela: Welcome Hannah. You will not be disappointed. Hannah: Why would I be disappointed? Angela: I said you wouldn't be disappointed. [Meredith heads towards break room.] Angela: Meredith, if you don't come to my party, you will be very, very sorry. Meredith: Is that a threat? Angela: No, it's an invitation. Pam: We have vodka! Karen: Lots of it! [Meredith leaves to break room party.] Kevin: I hear Angela's party will have double-fudge brownies. It will also have Angela. Double fudge... Angela... double fudge... Angela [puts out hands to weigh his options] Hmmm... Angela: Brownies. Cupcakes. [Kevin walks toward conference room] Kevin: Don't push it. Karen: Are we taking this too far? You know what, I don't think we're taking this far enough. [Pam and Karen look at each other] What? Pam: I got goose bumps. Angela: I don't back down. My sister and I used to be best friends, and we haven't talked in 16 years. Over some disagreement, I don't even remember. So... yeah. I'm pretty good. Michael: Ahh, damn this chicken is good. My compliments to the chef. [points to chef] Which is you! Right? Hahahaha. Awesome! I need some meat. I want some steak. [leans over to neighboring man's plate] I see steak. Man: Excuse me. Michael: Excuse me [tries to take away meat with chopsticks] Ah, un guard. [Fights with chopsticks and laughs] Family style. Jim: No, it's not. Andy: Cindy, Cindy. Michael: I don't think... I love it! Andy: I want you to close your eyes and imagine your dream house. [Cindy laughs] C'mon, do it for Michael. He's had a really long day. Michael: [laughing] I don't know what he's doing. Andy: This is great. Dwight: Jim! Jim! What... What's happening? Jim: Oh, [points to Cindy] she's asleep. Dwight: Oh... Narcolepsy. Jim: Probably. Andy: Now open your eyes and describe it to me. Cindy: I... don't know, it has four bed rooms and a loft... Dwight: Oh my gosh, now she's up. Jim: And she's trying to correctly butcher a goose, but she's having trouble coming up with it. Dwight: Oh, OK. Cindy! Yo, Cindy! Cindy! Hold its neck back and insert the knife below the jaw. Bring it all the way around, there's going to be a good amount of blood. [Cindy looks confused. Woman next to Dwight is disgusted] Don't let it bother you. Have a bucket there, for the blood... and the innards... and the feathers. Jim: Oh no, this is different. The CIA thing, that was a prank on Dwight. This is more like a umm... OK, it's pretty much the same thing. Kelly: What d'ya think? [to Stanley about his drink] Stanley: Fruity and delicious. Kelly: See, I told you. You want one Meredith? Meredith: No thanks. They're too sweet. Karen: Hey, so what's the status. Ryan: Looks like they forgot the power cord. Pam: What? Karen: Oh, you're kidding me? Ryan: No. Karen: Oh, you guys, guys, um... I'm sorry, but there's a problem with the karaoke machine. [everyone sighs] Kelly: Well that blows. Darryl: Hang on little ladies. You don't need this thing, I'll go grab my synthesizer. [Everyone cheers] Everybody: Darryl! Darryl! Darryl! [Darryl exits break room and passes Phyllis] Phyllis: Hi. Darryl: Hey. Hey, look, when you get done with your... [looks inside conference room] meeting, you should, uh, come to the break room. We're having a party. Phyllis: Oh, ok. Darryl: All right. Se you later... Hannah: [tries to break nut on a Nutcracker doll] These nuts are really hard to crack. Angela: Try harder then. [Hannah smashes Nutcracker on top of nut. Sees Kevin take another brownie] Uh uh. No one has seconds until everyone's had some. Kevin: You've got to be kidding! Angela: You've got to be kidding. {Kevin takes bite of brownie] Phyllis: Cold, huh? Ryan: Huh? [puts on jacket] Phyllis: Maybe that'll help. Is it cold in there? Andy: [referring to waitresses] They have been checking us out, all night! I am not kidding! Michael: You know what we should do? Andy: What? Michael: We should invite them to the Christmas party. Andy: Now, you are thinking. Yes. And you know what? Because you have had such a rough day, you get Cindy. Michael: Oh, you are such mench my friend. [They stand up and do fist bump and explosion] Michael: OK, where is everybody? I would like them to meet my new girlfriend. [Guys walk in with two different waitresses from Benihana's] Jim: I'm sure they'll want to meet her, too. Michael: The least I could do was give some poor sick kid a bike. Second Cindy: That rocks. Michael: Nah, you rock. Tell you what, if you want it, it's yours. Second Cindy: Thanks! I, I wanna give you something. Michael: Oh. [She whispers in his ear. Michael starts to laugh] That's what she said. Michael: Hello? I would like everybody to meet my new girlfriend. Andy: My new girlfriend. Angela: Where's Dwight? Second Cindy: Is he the hot one or the giant baby? Michael: [whispers] The giant baby. Wow, I am so sorry, I had no idea this party would be so lame. Phyllis: [under her breath] There's another party in the break room. Michael: Oh, party in the break room! Let's go, let's go! Thank God! Let's go to the break room. Angela: Hey, excuse me! Waitress lady! Hey, where do you think you're going with that? [refers to toy she just took from table] Second Cindy: I thought I could have it. Angela: You can't have it [takes back toy] I don't walk into your house and steal your Hello Kitty backpack. Michael: Shhh... Shut it! C'mon! Party. Dwight: Hey! It's Angela! [Angela slams door shut, but not before Kevin sneaks out] Hey! Michael: We're going to ... Kevin: [singing] I want you to know. That I'm happy for you. I wish nothing but... Michael: I just think there are two, two specific kinds of people in the world. People who own houses and people who own condos. [turns to reach for pretzel while Second Cindy turns other direction] And... my question to you [points and pulls away other waitress] is do you agree? Other waitress: Do I agree about what? Michael: Do you agree about what? [laughs] Wow. You're lucky you're so darn cute. Other waitress: What're you talking about? Michael: What're you talking about? Kevin: [singing] And I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away. It's not fair, to deny me of the cross I bear that you give to me. You, you, you, you, you, you, you oughta know ta know. Jim: All right [high fives Kevin] Angela: Did you have fun at Benihana's? Dwight: No. It was awful. I couldn't hear anything. [cheers from other party] Angela: I've had the worse day here [turns up Nutcracker music on the stereo. [Sighs. Dwight reaches for and holds Angela's hand] Karen: [Karen and Pam enter] Dwight, you won the raffle! [holds out gift] Dwight: No... way! Yeah! Karen: Open it! Open it ! Open it! [Dwight rips open present. Angela is upset and Pam notices] Dwight: Oh. Karen: Do you like it? Dwight: Walkie-talkies. Pam: Can I talk to you a second? Dwight: Yes! Karen: Well the Committee to Plan Parties has served its purpose. We're gonna disband. In the name of Christmas. Pam: [holds up rice krispie shaped like a star] In the name of Nutcracker Christmas. Karen: Angela, we've been hearing really great thing about uh... your brownies and we were hoping you'd consider merging into two parties. Angela: I'm not sure. Does your karaoke machine have Christmas songs? Pam: Yeah, but we don't have a power cord. Angela: Oh, I may have seen it somewhere. [Goes to plant and picks up power cord] Is it this one? Pam: Mmm. Hmm. Karen: Yeah, thanks. Pam: We'll go tell everyone. Karen: OK. Andy and Michael: [singing] And if you want love, we'll make it. Swim in a big sea of blankets. Take all your big plans and break 'em. This is bound to take awhile. Your body is a wonderland. [Michael notices Cindy ride up to him on the bike and looks confused] Your body is a wonderland. Andy: Your hands. Both: Your body is a wonderland. Andy: I'll use my hands on it. Both: Something 'bout the way your hair falls in your face... Kelly: [singing] Whatever we deny or embrace. For worse or for better. We belong, we belong, we belong together... Ryan... Michael: When you know, you just know. Kevin: Right. Michael: Check her out. My little gal over there. Babe-alectable. Roy: Which one is she? [Michael stares at both waitresses] Michael: It's... it's one of those two. [points at both] Roy: You don't know? Kevin: Dude, you should know. Michael: Yeah... well, it's been hard, they're wearing the exact same uniform. And I've been drinking. And you know how all waitresses look alike. Michael: I honestly don't see what the big deal is. Stevie Wonder is married. Are you going to tell me that Stevie Wonder doesn't love his wife just because he's not sure what she looks like? Michael: Hey. Where's my girl? Is she in the fridge? Where is she hiding? I don't know where she is. 'Cause I'm drunk, I can't even find her. Second Cindy: You know where I am. Michael: Haha, I do! I just haven't hugged you in awhile [marks Cindy's arm with a black marker] Second Cindy: Oh. Michael: Oh, good. That felt good. Let's go. Party. Creed: [singing] Spinnin' n reelin with love. Give it the time, I might come back down. But it feels so good. My feet don't touch the ground. Wha..wha..wild. Wha..wha..wild. Well everybody knows, I'm crazy about 'ya... Dwight: [into walkie-talkie] Monkey, this is Possum. Do you copy? Angela: [into another walkie-talkie] Copy, Possum. What's your twenty? Karen: No way. [both hold up Bridget Jones' Diary movie DVD] Jim: What a horrible, horrible movie that was. Karen: And now we get to remember it forever. Jim: Thank you. Karen: Thank you. [Both hug] Second Cindy: Hey. Michael: Hey, hey, you. How are ya? Second Cindy: Hey. This party blows, so we're gonna leave. Michael: No, no, no. Hey, you should stay because we are having fun and... Second Cindy: Cool... Michael: Where do you wanna go? Second Cindy: I... We're just gonna take off. Michael: I... you know what? I, OK, listen. I like you. I really like you. So much in fact, that I would like you to accompany me on a trip to Sandals, Jamaica. Second Cindy: No... I have school. [leaves with other waitress and bicycle] Michael: You want help? OK... Merry Christmas. Second Cindy: Merry Christmas. Dwight: [singing] Lady, from the moment I saw you standing all alone. You gave all the love that I needed... Michael: That waitress was the one. Jim: No. She wasn't. Michael: How can you be sure? Jim: Well, for starters, I've known you as a couple since the beginning of the relationship, which was approximately [looks a watch] three hours ago. Michael: Don't make fun... You're making fun of me. Jim: Sorry. Michael: I guess, I didn't know her very well. I marked her arm. Jim: You what? Michael: I, I put a mark on her arm. [Both are laughing] So I could tell them apart. I don't... I know, I know. I can't believe I gave her my bike! Jim: Yeah. Michael: Oh, why do I feel like crap? Jim: You just had a rebound. Michael: I had rebound? Yeah. Jim: Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but, when it's over, you're left thinking about the girl you really like, the one that broke your heart. Michael: I totally rebounded. Someone else shoots and I take the ball and I score. Well, I guess I didn't score and I'm not sure who's actually shooting, but, whatever. Doesn't matter. It's all good. Or as my ex might say. Domo arigato, Mr. Scott-o. Angela: [singing, with Dwight holding up microphone] Little baby, parum pum pum pum. I am a poor boy too, parum pum pum pum. I have no gift to bring, parum pum pum pum. That's fit to give our King, parum pum pum pum.. Michael: [on phone] Yes, I just wanted to see if, uh you would like to come to Jamaica with me. There's this resort called Sandals. Really? OK. All right. I promise you won't be disappointed. Umm, It's all-inclusive... Angela: [singing] ... Shall I play for you, parum pum pum pum [Oscar and Gil walk through door] Oscar: Too soon. [both turn back around and walk out] Angela: [singing] I played my drum for Him, parum pum pum pum. I played my best for Him, parum pum pum pum, Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum. Dwight: [singing along] pum pum pum pum pum pum pum Dwight: Bye Pam. Pam: Night. Jim: [to Pam] Oh, you know what? Sorry, forgot to tell you. I intercepted a transmission earlier and it seems that the CIA is gonna need Dwight down at their headquarters in Langley for training and an ice cream social with the other agents. Pam: We should get him a bus ticket. [types on computer] To make his trip easier. Jim: Oh no, that would be great. Pam: It costs seventy five dollars. Jim: Hmm... Well, maybe the CIA can send a helicopter? Pam: Ohh... [laughs] Dwight: [Cell phone beeps] What the? [Reading text message] 'You have been compromised. Abort mission. Destroy phone.' Destroy phone? [Dwight throws phone off of the roof and walks away] Michael: William Randolph Shakespeare once wrote in one of his plays, and I'm paraphrasing here, 'Love doth be poison.' Brilliant. And a lot of people don't give Shakespeare enough credit. They think it was somebody else. A-holes. Angela: When Michael suggested canceling Christmas, I was outraged, not on my behalf, but on behalf of baby Jesus. I mean, would he cancel Christmas because he got dumped or he was two weeks behind on his party planning, on top of the fact that his cats were ill? I think not. I think baby Jesus would suck it up and plan his party. Karen: We didn't have a party planning committee in Stamford. Somebody would just volunteer to run out to Carvel and pick up an ice cream cake. So the fact that they have a committee here, fascinating. Angela: This is ridiculous. I... I've spent so much time, like I always do. And for that little trollop to come in here and throw her own party... Are you even listening to me? Toby: Angela, what do you want me to do? Angela: I want you to tell her to stop, Toby. Am I being clear? Toby: [sighing] Look, it's a free country. If she wants to throw a party... Angela: What are you...? Toby: ...using her own money... Angela: And what... Toby: ...then she should be allowed to. Angela: No she shouldn't. Toby: The more the merrier. Angela: [Angela slaps Toby on the face.] Stop it. Toby: Oww. Angela: I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention to hurt you, but I want to wake you up to the injustice that's going on right in front of your face. Toby: That really hurt. I'm writing you up. [Angela makes an angry face] Hey, you are not allowed to touch other employees. Am I being clear? Angela: Michael was so right about you. You are pathetic. Creed: I don't care which party I go to. Once you've danced naked at a hash bonfire with the spirits of the dead, all parties seem pretty much the same. Kevin: I think I'll go to Angela's party, because that's the party I know. Phyllis: Where would you like the Rice Krispy Treat stars? Angela: They're Sugarplum fairy wands. Phyllis: Sugarplum fairy wands. Angela: It's like you weren't even at the meeting. Stanley: I'm going to the party in the break room, because they have more chairs in there. If I have to stand around a long time, I get real unpleasant to be around. Angela: [Phyllis puts down phone] Hmm hmm. [Phyllis gets up and goes to Angela's party] Michael: No, no, no, no. You know what, I better hold off. I wanna make sure I don't dial Carol before I get drunk. Jim: So, really, you're just calling her? Michael: Yeah. You know what? I am. I'm gonna call her. That's a good idea. Dwight: [from across the table] Where's Michael going? Michael? Is he sick? Is he choking? Michael: [on [phone] No, I don't think I'm asking too much. I think it's only fair that you tell me exactly what I did wrong. Okay. Uh huh. Well that... yeah. Uh huh. All right. Well, could you tell me something that I did Ryan: [knocks on office wall] Hey. Kelly: Hello, Ryan. Ryan: Merry Christmas. [hands over a gift] Kelly: Oh, thank you. Do you always get presents for your ex-girlfriends? Ryan: Okay, we're never technically... um is there.. Is there a problem? Kelly: Well, I didn't get you anything, because you have treated me inconsiderately, and I'm not gonna stand for that anymore. Ryan: Um That's... That's fair. I'm sorry. Merry Christmas. [Ryan starts walking away.] Kelly: [runnning after him] Wait, Ryan, you're not mean. You're adorable. I'm so sorry. I got you a present, too. But then when I got to work, I didn't see anything on my desk from you, so I threw it away. And then Asuncion took the trash out, that's why I think it's in the dumpster. I'm so sorry. I'm the worst. [Kelly hugs Ryan] Angela: There's no fizz in this punch. Phyllis! Phyllis: I'll just go get a ginger ale. Angela: No, I've got it, Phyllis. Stay. Have fun. Eat your wand. Ryan: [talking to Kelly in dumpster] Hey, Kelly, you know what? Throw my gift away, too. Kelly: [from inside dumpster] No, you paid money for that CD. Ryan: I'm serious. It'll show that we don't care about material things. Kelly: I don't understand. Ryan: Kelly, I'm so cold! Kelly: [starts to cry] You don't have to scream at me. Ryan: Are you having fun in this relationship? Kelly: Sometimes. Ryan: I don't know Kelly, sometimes I look at us and I think... Kelly: [crying] Don't dump me while I'm in the dumpster. Just go back inside if you're so cold. I'll just stay in the dumpster. [Ryan smirks] Ryan: [both inside dumpster] Did you look over here? Kelly: Who's eating all these apples? Ryan: Kelly. Kelly: And what are these? Are... Why are there egg yolks in here? Aren't you supposed to eat the yolks? Ryan: Michael was on an egg-yolk diet. He's so weird. Kelly: Do you think I should diet? Ryan: No, you're perfect. [Kelly gasps] What? Did you find it? Kelly: No, I'm scared. Ryan: All of a sudden? Kelly: Uh huh. Hold me. Michael: Oh, honey, here's Stanley. Second Cindy: Hi. Michael: He is also in an interracial relationship, so, you know, if you have any problems, you can always call him. Stanley: Oh, you're gonna face far greater problems than I can possibly help you with. Michael: Sounds good. Okay, let's go.

Jim: All right, let's get started. Umm... Oh, first off, we're supposed to be pushing cardstock this week. So... let's push cardstock this week. Uh, also... [to Dwight] what is this? Dwight: Tape recorder. Jim: For what? Dwight: For recording. Michael is on vacation and he's asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts. Jim: OK. Uh, Karen, any news from that law firm? Karen: Yeah, the deal closed yesterday, it's the six month commitment. Jim: Oh my God, Dwight, what're you doing? Dwight: What? Jim: You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office. Dwight: I'm not. Jim: Dwight, you know what, just back up, okay, that's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh my God! He's got a knife! Dwight: I do not have a knife! Jim: No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?! Dwight: [leans into tape recorder] Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar! Jim: [picks up tape recorder and speaks into it] Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet. Dwight: Give me it. I am not. Phyllis: Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in! Dwight, get his autograph for Michael quickly... Dwight: Jim Carrey did not just walk in, OK. Karen: Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo? Jim: Oh my God, Karen, you're right, that is Animal from the Muppet Babies. Dwight: You can't see... You can't see my stomach. Andy: I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in! Michael: Hey, mon! Pam: Hey. You have a bunch of messages and... [sees Michael shaking head with beads in hair] that's nice. Hannah quit while you were gone. I guess she memo-ed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother? And so you might also have to be deposed. Michael: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relax. Pam: OK. Michael: Just relax, OK? I'll get to all of it later. Pam: It's kind of serious. Michael: Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me. Pam: How was Jamaica? Michael: It was Stanley: Oh, Michael, I'm glad you're here. Michael: Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too. Stanley: My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised. Michael: OK, well payroll is in charge of all that. Stanley: They said I should talk to you. Michael: Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I'm gonna... Stanley: I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check. Michael: You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon. Jim: You want to talk about it? Karen: Nope. Karen: I still haven't found an apartment yet. I'm living in a hotel. Yesterday, I saw a 'for rent' sign down the street from Jim and he said he didn't think it'd be such a good idea. He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away. Michael: Feelin' hot, hot, hot! [playing conch shell] Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing. Pam: That's good. [Michael continues to play conch shell] Michael: You know, I had never been out of the country before now? Pam: Huh. Michael: Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great, you know. They just relax, they party all the time. Pam: It's kind of an impoverished country. Michael: Yeah... Gosh. Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three. Pam: But you can't today, we're doing inventory. Michael: Inventory's at the end of December. Pam: We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed. Michael: I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it. Michael: Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans? Michael: Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin warehouse inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it. Angela: By the end of the day? That's impossible. Michael: The Jamaicans don't have a word for 'impossible.' Jim: Yep, it's English, it's 'impossible.' Angela: Michael, there's no way we can do it in time. Michael: How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need. Michael: Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling... and settled. Good, there is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? [points to a TV monitor of a picture from Jamaica and reads] 'No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem.' This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what, if we have to stay late to do inventory? No problem. Pam: Oh my God. Is that Jan? [points to same monitor] Everybody: What? Where? Pam: On the left. Everybody: Oh yeah, oh my God. Michael: No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue. Michael: Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan. Michael: [on phone] Hey dude. I just got back from Jamaica. Packer: Big whoop! I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked. Michael: Yeah, that sounds amazing. You know what? The lady Jan Levinson wanted to go to Montego Bay. Packer: You took the ice queen? I don't buy it. Michael: Well I'm looking at a photo, right now. And I'm telling 'ya, could be in Maxim. Packer: They wouldn't give you a subscription to Maxim. Michael: Oh no? Packer: No. Michael: OK. Well, check this out. I am sending you some email. You got it? Packer: Well, no. I got nothing. Michael: Check it again. Hit refresh. Packer: Yeah, Mike, still nothing. Michael: OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... [reading computer screen] Packer@DunderMifflin.com. Packer: Wait, I just got it from somebody else. Wow. This is hot. Damn! How do I get you out of this picture? Michael: Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Where's Darryl? Roy: He's in the office. Michael: OK, Hey, man, how's it going? Darryl: All right, what's up Mike? Michael: That's great, OK. Um, so did you get an email from me? Darryl: Yup. Michael: OK. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not 'packaging.' Did you already, um, forward to a whole bunch of people? Darryl: Uh huh. Michael: OK. Um, well, did you get the second email that I sent? Explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it. Darryl: Yup. Michael: And you sent that out to everyone? Darryl: Mike, I'm very busy down here. [eats chicken] Jim: Yikes. Kevin: Already sent it to you my friend. Jim: Fantastic. Andy: Boring. Call me if she rolls over. Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: You OK? Jim: Yeah. Pam: You sure? Jim: Yeah. Yes. Um, I'm just in this, like, stupid fight with Karen. Pam: Oh. You want to talk about it? Jim: Really? Michael: I have a special assignment for you. Dwight: Who's the target? Michael: A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture. The file name is 'Jamaican Jan Sun Princess.' Dwight: What's it of? Michael: Not important. Dwight: Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment. Michael: OK, forget it. Dwight: OK, I accept it. Jim: So, I dunno, I just feel likes we've been dating a month, right? Same street. I think that might be a little close. A little much. Pam: Hmm. Jim: Hmm, what? Pam: How far away does she live now, like ten minutes? Jim: Yeah, I guess. Pam: Honestly, I think you should go easy on her. Pam: No, I didn't mind helping Jim with his problem. That's what friends do. I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah. Jim: Hey, thanks a lot. Pam: Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell... which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan! Jim: Oh, yeah, How have we not talked about this already? I mean what happened there? Kidnapping? [both start laughing] Toby: Hey I need to talk to you right now. Michael: Not now, not ever. Toby: About you and Jan. Michael: Aww, none of your business. Toby: Wish it were true, but it, it uh, seems from that photo that you took, you've entered into an intimate relationship. Michael: That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops. Toby: Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife... we don't talk now. Michael: This is probably the icebreaker you need. Toby: You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR. Michael: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv. Toby: All right, if you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it. Michael: No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo? Toby: All right, thanks Michael. Michael: OK. Angela: OK, we only have three hours people to plan a whole luau, and you're not helping. Karen: What are the ingredients of poi? Phyllis: I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs. Angela: Did you try the petting zoo? Pam: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just a second. Michael, it's Jan on the phone for you. Michael: Oh, God, no. No, no! Hang up! Hang up! Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat. Pam: He'll call you back. OK, great. Michael: She bought it? [Pam nods] OK. OK. Dwight: [to Jim and Ryan] Michael hit a deer? Dwight: Michael! Michael! [pokes head through blinds in Michael's office] There's an emergency in the warehouse. Michael: There an accident? Somebody hurt? Dwight: No, it's... involves the photograph. Michael: Oh. God. No, no, no, no, no. Roy: [starts clapping] Mike, you are a rock star, man. You are the man! Well done. Michael: All right. [continued clapping and cheering for Michael] Roy: That corporate booty, he likes to hit it! Michael: Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um, apparently, there is an email circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rating picture of me and a woman- Kevin: Jan. Michael: No, Kevin. A woman. Maybe Jan, maybe... Jim: Urkel Grue. Michael: My point is that, if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it. Sight unseen. Let's be professional, all right? Michael: Feelin'... feelin' hot, hot, hot! [plays conch shell] Pam: Hey. Michael: Hey. Pam: What are you doing out here? Michael: Island living. You know? Pam: Jan called. She's coming in later to talk to you. Michael: Did she say what it's about? Pam: That's all she said. Andy: Ole ole - ole ole... Ole ole - ole ole. People in the party - hot hot hot [playing conch shell] Jim: Uh, I think you dropped this [hands over piece of paper] Karen: You sure? Jim: Definitely. Dwight: I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that that [referring to large picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica on the wall] be taken down and destroyed all print outs from the bathroom. Michael: There are copies in the bathroom? Dwight: There were. A lot of them. Michael: All right. Karen: I think I owe you one. Pam: Sorry? Karen: For talking sense into Halpert. The Day's Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing. Pam: Oh, yeah, no. Don't worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous. Karen: Yeah, but... thanks. Seriously. Pam: Sure. Darryl: Oh, yes! Yes! What'd I tell you? I knew he'd turn up [holds up an iPod inside speakers] You see that? This is the greatest night of my life. Dwight: Who did this to you? [refers to Pam crying] Where is he? Pam: What? No, it's not... it's nothing. Dwight: [takes off coat to tie around waist] It's hot in here. Pam: Yeah. Dwight: Yeah. Pam: [Dwight hands out handkerchief] Thanks. You don't need to stay here. Dwight: I know. [puts arm around Pam who continues to cry] So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh? Jan: Hello everyone. Hello Michael. Michael: Guh. Kevin: Hi Jan, you look... tan. Jan: I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister. Kevin: Yeah. How was it? Jan: Very sunny. Family's important. Michael, I would like to speak with you, in your office. Michael: OK, yup. Jan: Why am I here, Michael? Michael: I... Jan: In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not... communicate. This is nether here or there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies and that for once, I should indulge them. You following me? Michael: I... I... Yes. Jan: I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even, even if it means... lowering my expectations or, or redefining the word, itself. Michael: OK, yeah. Jan: This is the kind of thing, you know? I am... attracted to you. I, I don't know why, I... but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that's what Dr. Perry thinks. Michael: Who is Dr. Perry? I... Jan: This is the point, OK? You're wrong for me. In... In... every way. But I still find myself wanting to... be with you. Michael: And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well. Jan: Good, good. Michael: So, umm... thanks for coming by. So, I, uh... Jan: Well, good, OK. Thank you... for taking the time... Michael: Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate - [Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately] Jan: Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo. Michael: Jan, you... complete... me. Jan: Oh, God. Roy: Hey, remember when we were planning our honeymoon and you wanted to go to Hawaii and I wanted to go to Mexico? Pam: Yeah. Roy: I was definitely right. [both laugh] Oh, brother. Kevin: What am I going to do? [Refers to large pictures of Jan and Michael] I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art. [smirks] Michael: I just had the best, most romantic week of my life in Sandals, Jamaica. Went with a lady, and we laid on the beach and drank fruity drinks for free, because it was all-inclusive. And then I flew back to Scranton, and then they lost one of my bags. Michael: Hey, Mister tally man, tally me banana, six hand, seven hand, eight hand, BRUNCH! [snickers] So delicious. Dinner, too. And every morning I would watch the sunrise and I would eat a mango. That is how I want to feel all the time. It's called island living. You know, how they say take a chill pill? In Jamaica, I took one. Guy on the beach sold it to me for $40. And after I finished vomiting, I was more relaxed than I ever have been. Lost six pounds, too. That's how I want every day to be. Pam: Michael sends me a postcard from every vacation he goes on. Atlantic City, he wishes I was here. Busch Gardens, Virginia, all I got was this lousy postcard. And this time, I'm Jamaican-him-crazy. I don't know how far away he thought he was, because he put $10 worth of stamps on this. Dwight: Hello, you're back. Michael: Yeah, mon. Me just got back to the office. Dwight: While you were gone... Michael: Me had an i-rey time. Dwight: While you were gone, Jim glued my desk drawers together. He changed my voicemail so that my voice sounded like a chipmunk. He told me that we had a meeting at 4:00 AM, and I was the only one who showed up. Michael: Dwight, please, please. Dwight: He turned over my... Michael: I just got back from vacation, mon, all right? So chill. Let's don't... Don't harsh my mellow, mon. Dwight: I took a vacation once. Never again. While I was away, Jim had my desk shipped to me in Roswell. Michael: Presents. I got presents for everybody. Dwight, a genuine Rastafarian wig. Dwight: Unbelievable. Michael: Andy, I got you a genuine Jamaican T-shirt. They love Milli Vanilli down there. Andy: I give thanks, mon. Michael: You are so welcome, mon. Angela, you just got leied. [puts lei on Angela] Angela: No, I didn't. Michael: Yes, you did. Okay. Oh, Pam, I forgot to get you something. Pam: That's okay. Michael: I'm just kidding. Coconuts for your coconuts! Pam: No. Michael: [laughs] Try it on. Pam: No. Michael: Go ahead. Let me know if I miscalculated the size. I don't think I did. Pam: Thank you. Michael: Stanley, I got you some ganja. I'm just kidding. It's coffee. I bet you wish it was ganja. Michael: I just got back from vacay. Come on. Give me a break, man. [holds up CD] Waves over Jamaica, $6.99. Creed: Did he actually give you some ganja? Stanley: No. Creed: You want some? Michael: Okay, let me tell you a little story. When I was on vacation, I met a man named Bavon. And Bavon takes people parasailing. And you know what he said to me? He said that he loves going to work every day. How many of you can say that you love going to work every day like Bavon? [Dwight and Andy raises hand] No one. Kevin: But, Michael, Buvon gets to go parasailing every day, and that's fun. Michael: His name is Bavon. And you know what? I'm sure Bavon gets sick of his job, too. I'm sure he would like to take a day off. I'm sure he would like to spend a vacation selling paper, but he has the right attitude. And that is something that you learn when you go to Jamaica, and you really apply yourself. Michael: I would love to take them all to Jamaica, but is that good management? Yes. But is it the best management? Well, I can't afford it, and corporate won't pay for it. So who's the real criminal? Michael: How many of you know the meaning of the Jamaican term, Hakuna Matata? Jim: [raises hand] Are you stoned? Michael: I... Jim: In the picture, are you high? Michael: Oh, that's red eye. Jim: Is that not what happens when you're high? Kevin: You look like you have the munchies. Michael: Well... Kelly: I have the munchies. I'm gonna get some of those chocolate wafers. Michael: Hey, can we just focus? Pam: Michael and Jan together in Jamaica. I guess I would just need a little bit more evidence than seeing it with my own eyes. Ryan: I don't know if Michael and Jan really went to Jamaica, because Michael's way into Photoshop. For example, I never went with him to Egypt. [holds up picture with Michael and himself in Egypt] Phyllis: Where did you save the list of exchanges? Stanley: I will gladly give you that information when my bonus comes through. Phyllis: But I won't be able to do inventory without it. Stanley: Then you won't be able to do inventory. Phyllis: Yeah, I really like Stanley, but I'm not always sure if he likes me. I guess that's okay, 'cause I don't really like him. Dwight: Come on. Come on. Michael: Okay. Well, Jan's email password is not Dunder Mifflin, Sandals, Jamaica, Michael, Michael Scott, Jan Scott, or Mrs. Jan Scott. Dwight: Try Dwight. Michael: Her passwords aren't going to be Dwight, Dwight. That's stupid. Okay. Michael: Don't you have some sort of chaser or gobbler thing that you can send out that's able to eat up that other emails? I read about something like that. Well, I am in America and I am online, so I do think it involves you. Uh-huh. And if I were a subscriber, would then you be able to send out the gobbler? I'd... Yes, I will hold. Someone: So your trip to Scottsdale was good? Jan: Oh yeah, Arizona's beautiful. Yeah. It's great to... great to see my sister. Someone: Burnt. Jan: Oh, yeah, I know. I don't... I don't normally lay out in the sun a lot, but, you know, when it's Scottsdale... I was visiting my sister and... Meredith: When a woman gets older, she'll go just about anywhere with just about anyone. I've done some things I'm not so proud of, but I've seen the world. Angela: Your body is a temple. You have to respect it. You can't just whore it out. Kevin: I should be turned on. But, last year, remember, I had that skin cancer scare, and so now all I can think is that I hope she was wearing sunscreen. God, I would love to rub some on her. Dwight: The worst part about the Internet, when a secret is out, everyone knows. The best part about the Internet, that video of the dancing Indian midget, crossbow.org, massively multiplayer online gaming, i.e. Everquest. I also enjoy online banking. Pam: Okay. So I went on the Internet, and she is not gonna find another apartment for that price. I mean this one is twice as much, and it doesn't have parking. Does she like to park? Jim: Oh, loves it. Pam: Okay. This one is the same price but it's got... Jim: Green walls. Pam: I think that's mold. Jim: Ooh... fancy. Dwight: Spiderman, Peter Parker, would not reveal his love for Mary Jane for fear that she might be captured and harmed by the Green Goblin. Now, if Michael had studied the Spidey principles that I'd drawn up for him, Jan's boobs might not be all over the Internet. [Dwight pretends to shoot out webs from his palms] Dwight: Attention everyone! May I have your attention, please? Listen up. If we all work really hard and focus, we should be out of here in seven hours. Now, somewhere in these stacks, I have hidden a deck of cards. That should motivate you to keep your eyes open. If you find the deck of cards, you can redeem it with me in exchange for a free soft drink. [Jim shuffles the deck of cards] Get back... Back to work! Pam: Yes, it is The Island Luau Inventory '07. It's actually a success compared to Disco Audit '05. Roy: What's the problem? Ryan: We have seven fewer boxes of Canariola copier paper in stock than we're supposed to. Roy: Let me see this. [scans one box seven times] Looks good to me. Stanley: I wouldn't have come, but I know Jan is showing up soon. I don't wanna miss the show. Michael: [Kelly singing] Hey! Hey! Stop your mouth, please. Kelly: Eighty-six. Eighty-seven. [singing] Eighty-eight. Eighty-nine. Andy: Hey Dwight, I bet I can stack faster than you can. Dwight: Please, I can double your pace. Andy: Oh, yeah? Prove it, champ. You ready? Dwight: Let's go. Andy: One, two, three, go! Jim: [Dwight and Andy stacking boxes rapidly] Nice. Andy: Get out of my way, Jim! Dwight: Jim, move! Jim: Okay. Dwight: Okay. Andy: Dang it. Dwight: Two at a time! Andy: Those aren't straight. Totally crooked. Totally crooked. You're disqualified. Meredith: [to herself] Be careful. [yells as boxes fall on her] Hello? I'm stuck! Michael: Hey, Stanley, in case I don't see you again after tonight, here is your bonus, $1,000 cash. Keep the change. [hands Stanley a piece of Jamaican currency] Stanley: There is a butterfly on this. Why? Michael: It is Jamaican. The exchange rate is 65-to-1. I don't remember in which direction. Stanley: So it's either worth $15 bucks or $65,000. Michael: Yes, good luck with that. Toby: You know, I actually lived in Honolulu for a year. Kevin: Oh, so you've been to a real luau. Toby: Yeah. Kevin: Yeah. Angela: I tried. We didn't have time. Dwight: You're a box short on the black, medium-line ballpoints. Creed: I don't know what to tell you. Creed: One year, I had a close acquaintance of mine back a truck in here and clean out this whole place. That was a very good year. I think they blamed it on some kid.

Michael: Jim, could you come in here please? Harvey: Hi, Jim. Jim: Hello. Harvey: I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks. Michael: Sorry, oh wow, that's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him. Jim: Yeah, you can. Michael: You know what? Get Pam. Jim: For this? Michael: Pam. Harvey: Pam, you look very hot today. Jim: Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael's new friend. Pam: Great. Harvey: Me so horny. Me love you long tim. Michael: Oh, that is gross. Pam: Who is 'Long Tim'? Michael: Damn it. Harvey: Long time. Me lobe yoy long time. Jim: Oh well, 'Yoy' should bring in 'Long Tim' in one day. Shouldn't he? Pam: I would love to meet Long Tim. Jim: Yeah. Right? Pam: Yeah. Harvey: You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive. Jim: Ok. Pam: Ok. Bye Harvey. Harvey: Boobs. Kevin: Angela. Angela: What? Kevin: That was a voicemail that corporate left last night. They did not get our tax forms. Did you send them? Angela: They arrived this morning. Kevin: Are you sure? It is a big deal. Angela: Is it a big deal? Is it Kevin? Kevin: ... Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal. Andy: Five of us transferred from Stamford. There are two of us left. Me and Karen. It's like we are touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I am not falling in a chocolate river. Angela: Everything ok? [Takes candy from Pam's desk] Dwight: Everything is fine. You are in the clear. Angela: Thank you. [Puts candy back] I... I don't want those. Michael: Dwight, care to join us, finally? Thank you. Andy: Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael? Michael: Yes. Ok, here is the dream team. My sales dream team. Today we are going to team up for sales calls. Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first. Andy: Hmmm, well... let me think about this for a minute. Oh, I don't know. Michael Scott. Michael: Oh. Andy: Ph. D. Doctor of Sales. Michael: Well, I appreciate that. That is very gracious of you. Andy: Well, it is very gracious of you to accept. Michael: Well, thank you sir. Ok, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior. Phyllis: We're the same age and I'll pick... Karen. Karen: Oh, uh, thanks. Michael: Good. Next up, Superfly himself, Stanley. Stanley: Pass. Michael: You can't pass. You've got to pick somebody. Stanley: ... I'll take the kid. Ryan: I am very flattered. I was his second choice after 'Pass.' Michael: So that just leaves Dwight and Jim. Dwight: Ok, wait. Does anyone want to trade? Jim: Yup. I'll trade. Jim: Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time. Oh young Jim. There is just so much I need to warn you about. And yet, tragically, I cannot. Andy: Sebring by Chrysler. Heck of a... motor... carriage. Michael: Dwight? Dwight: Yup? Michael: Here ya go. [throws laundry] Dwight: Yeah! You want shirts on hangers? Michael: Please. Andy: He does your laundry? Michael: Long story. All right everybody, circle up. Here we go. You know what this is? This is the 'Amazing Race.' [To Ryan and Stanley] And you guys are the retired marines. [To Phyllis and Karen] And you guys are the mother and daughter. [To Dwight and Jim] And you guys are the gay couple. And we are the firefighter heroes. Are we ready to go? Karen: Wait, 'Amazing Race' like, the biggest sale wins? Michael: No, we're just going to rush out, do the sales thing, and come back. Ryan: Is there a prize? Michael: Just bragging rights. Phyllis: Then how is this 'Amazing Race'? Michael: It's just... brrrrrr... It's 'Amazing Race,' Phyllis. Okay? We're in teams of two and we are on a mission. All right, so, on your mark, get set, go. Let's do it. Dwight: Come on!! Phyllis: Michael. [Michael throws Phyllis' keys under the car.] Michael: Whoah, whoah. Oh hahahaha. Vamanos! Andy: Bueno. Phyllis: Do you have a pole? Karen: Let's go get a broom. Jim: Seriously? You're going to sit in the back? Dwight: Uh, yeah. It's the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side of the car first. Michael: Here we go. Andy: In order to take down Dwight, I have to chip away at his ally, which, in this case, is Michael. Here's the good news. Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down. Andy: What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry? Michael: Ugh... that is a long story. Um, couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job and I am now having him do my laundry as punishment. Andy: Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting. Especially about the part Dwight going behind your back and basically, like, being a terrible person. You know if you want your laundry done right? I used to work at Abercrombie. So, pretty good folder. Angela: Hey Pam. Would you like to go with me to grab a coffee? Pam: Really? Angela: Yeah, I could use some fresh air. Might be fun. Pam: Ok. Sure. Angela: Ok. Karen: Why are we turning in here, this is a beauty salon? Phyllis: Um-hmmm. Ryan: Hey, do you mind if I take the lead on this one and then you can critique me after? Stanley: You want the lead? Ryan: Yeah, if you don't mind. Stanley: Mind? Nothing would delight me more. Dwight: Leave the keys. Jim: You still do that thing? Dwight: Leave the keys! Andy: I think you have assembled an amazing team at Scranton. It's really a pleasure to be a part of it. It's like, everyone has their own special skill, you know, just like the Superfriends. Except for Dwight, who is more like a SuperDud. I mean, he would be a Superfriend if there was a Superfriend whose super power was always being late. You know? Michael: Hawkman. Andy: My plan is taking longer than I thought but I don't give up easily. I have walked two marathons. Michael: [Walks out of the Ladies' Restroom] Let's go. The men's room was disgusting. Jim: After you sir. Dwight: No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear. Jim: Ok, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I will attack you from the front. Dwight: Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with... [Jim slaps Dwight] Pam: Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time. Angela: This friend of mine - let's call her Noelle - she missed this deadline turning something in to Corporate in New York. But then this gallant gentleman - we'll call him Kurt - he drove all the way to New York and handed it in for her. That's... I don't know. I guess he really just likes her a lot. Pam: That's great. Angela: Yes, it is. [Walks up to the counter where there is no employee] Hello? Michael: Hey, did you catch that up at Lake Wallenpaupack? Buyer: Yep. Michael: You know, I used to go up there all the time with my step-dad, and I never caught anything that big. Andy: Caught an eighty-pound shark off of Montauk. It's in the Hamptons. My dad's got a 42-ft Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crow's nest. Also shot a deer once. Michael: You know what? Let's get right down to it. Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hardwork and decency. Andy: Ok, this is the classic undersell because you should know we don't work out of a log cabin. We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York. Buyer: Uh, I have to say I am a little wary with getting involved with a big company. We've had some problems in the past. Michael: I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company. Andy: Oh, man, that is, like, poetry. Michael: No. Andy: I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree. Michael: Stop it. [Puts his hand on Andy's shoulder] Stop it. Andy: Ow. Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. [excited] This is Pam. I did? Andy: Oh man. Talk about your classic 'Lame dash O.' Do we even want that guy buying our paper? Michael: Yes. Andy: I... I'm so sorry man. I really screwed that up. Michael: Ah, no. Don't worry about it. Andy: I really 'Schruted' it. Michael: What? Andy: Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time. Like, when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you 'Schruted' it. I don't know where it comes from though. Do you think it comes from Dwight Schrute? Michael: I don't know. Who knows how words are formed. Phyllis: It's a big order. Thanks Kenny. Karen: Yeah, thank you. Phyllis: Hey, how's Annie? Kenny: Oh, she's great. This is us last year in Bermuda. Lovely place. You ever been to Bermuda? Julius: Stanley Hudson. Stanley: Ah, Julius, how's it goin'? Julius: Great, great, great. Guy: Stanley. Stanley: So good to see you too. I'd like you fellas to meet Ryan Howard. Ryan: Hi. Stanley: I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword. Ryan? Ryan: Um... [To the Buyers] Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Julius: Hello, Ryan. What do you have for us? Ryan: Oh... Jim: We can offer our biggest discounts on 30% recycled and ultra-premium laser. Man: Kay. 'Kay. Dwight: Can I use your phone? Man: Yeah, sure, go ahead. Dwight: Thanks. Jim: Let me talk to you about a few of the other things we can offer. Namely, we know the tax season is coming up, so by April 1st we can have you fully stocked. Dwight: [On Phone] One... Jim: We have discount prices on ink cartridges... Dwight: Three... Jim: And, also, any forms that you are going to need... Dwight: Seven... Jim: We can custom make them. Pam: Yeah I did a watercolor of Frances Willard Elementary School for a contest they were having. They were calling with the results. And I won. I won! My painting won. So I like to thank my mom for always encouraging me. And I like to thank my dad for buying me my first set of art pencils. And I'd like to thank the sixth grade class that picked me. Pam: Hey Kev, guess what. I won an art contest today. Kevin: How much did you win? Pam: $100.00 Kevin: I won $400 bucks on the Celtics game last night. Pam: Cool. Congratulations. Kevin: Thanks, so sweet. Stanley: Ha ha ha! And you just said, 'Hi! Hi! Hi!' Ha heh ha! You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old! Man: We'll I appreciate what you guys are saying but it, uh, makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the big guys. Dwight: Sure. Jim: Sure, that's true we can't compete with their prices. But let me ask you something. How important to you is customer service? Man: It's very. Phone: Please keep holding, your call is very important to us. Dwight: Erm, that's one of the 'Big guys.' Been on hold this whole time. Jim: [Dials cell Phone] And this is Dunder-Mifflin. Kelly: Dunder-Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly. Jim: Hey, Kelly, it's Jim. Kelly: Oh my god, Jim. How are you ? I wanted to tell you ... . [Jim hangs up] Dwight: Here is my card. It's got my Cell number, my pager number, my home number, and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays. Man: All right, I get it. We got a deal. Jim: Thanks. Pam: Hey, Angela. I got good news today too. I won an art contest. Angela: That's great Pam. I like having these little moments with you. You know what? Sprinkles recently had kittens. Pam: Oh. Angela: I would like to offer you the dominant male. His name is Ash. Pam: Oh? Angela: Mmm-hmm. Pam: Hmm. I don't think so. But thanks. My building manager... is... You understand. Angela: Well then. Have a nice day. Karen: Thanks. That was fun. Phyllis: Yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you. You are a very nice person. Karen: Thank you. Phyllis: I'm so glad you're with Jim. He was hung up on Pam for such a long time. Never thought he would get over her. Karen: That's nice. Phyllis: You can pay me back later for the makeover. Andy: Hey boss. Got a minute? Michael: Yes, Andy. Andy: I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning? Michael: He didn't say. Andy: That's weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this, which is a tollbooth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning. So, why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? Do you think he went to see Jan? That's not like him. Is it? Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something? Michael: No, you are remembering it wrong. Michael: Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three. Dwight: I like Karen. She's pretty and appears intelligent. Jim: Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence. Dwight: My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys. Jim: We should go on a double date. Dwight: No thank you. Jan: Dwight's name is on the security sign-in sheet, but I don't know who he met with. And where it asks to state your business, he wrote 'Beeswax. Not yours, Inc.' Michael: I knew it. [Dwight and Jim walk in] Andy: Oh, doggie. Karen: Hey, do you want to grab a coffee? Jim: Sure. Look at you! Karen: Yeah. Jim: Beesley, coffee? Pam: No, thanks. I had some already. Jim: All right. Pam: Oh, but, hey, Jim. Jim: Yeah. Pam: I won an art contest today. Jim: No way! All right Pam. Congratulations. [high five] Pam: Thanks. Jim: Which one was it? Pam: I sent in one of my watercolors. Jim: Cool. Pam: It was the new one I did. Jim: Oh Karen: You ready Jim? Jim: Yeah. Can I see it when I get back? Pam: Yeah. Jim: Congratulations. Pam: Thanks. Jim: Big deal. Dwight: Hey, we nailed the sale! Michael: Where were you this morning? Dwight: I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow. Michael: Why do you lie, liar? Dwight: I am not a liar. Michael: You are lying right now. Andy: It sure seems like he is lying. Dwight: Stay out of this, you! Michael: I know that you went to corporate this morning, and I know that you lied about it. And given our history, I need you tell me this instant exactly what you were doing. Dwight: Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company. Michael: Ok, you know what? I want you to think about your future in this company. I want you to think about it long and hard. Dwight: That's what she said. Michael: Don't. Don't you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day. Dwight: It's going to be ok. Angela: How is going to be ok, Dwight? Everyone will know our business. Dwight: That's not the worst thing in the world. I'll just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It won't be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan. Angela: I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world. Dwight: Well, I don't have a lot of choices. Karen: So, let me ask you a question. Jim: Ok. Karen: Did you ever have a thing for Pam? Jim: Pam? Did I ever have a 'thing' for her? No, why? Did she say something? Karen: I moved here from Connecticut... Jim: Yeah. Ok, here's the ... I had a crush on her before I left. And I told her about it and she didn't feel the same way. So, it didn't amount to anything, and I left. I'm really glad you're here. 'Kay? Karen: Kay. Dwight: Ahem-hem-hem. May I have your attention please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown and I will meet my new challenges head-on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me. It has been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon but remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... . Andy: Oompa-Loompa Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doompity-doomp. Dwight: I would like to give the rest of my belongings to Michael Scott. Just take them. Except this. Michael: Good luck. Ryan: Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed. Angela: Dwight, from sales, was one of the most honorable and efficient employees this company has ever had. Dwight: One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered. Jim: Hey man. [Dwight hugs Jim and leaves] Karen: What happened on your sales call? Andy: Um, am I happy the way things turned out? Oh, well, happy's such an ugly word. But, um, I saw what needed to be done and I did it and now I'm thrilled. So, it's pretty... [camera had focused in on Angela watching] Hello? Pretty good.

Dwight: I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it's very exciting. Dwight: For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia. Dwight: I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me. Dwight: How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable. Dwight: There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon. Dwight: [in Staples uniform] I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh, it's fine for the time being. Oops. Break's over. Andy: [to Ryan] Big Turkey. [cellphone plays 'Rockin' Robin'] Jim: Is that you singing? Andy: All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever. Jim: Nice job. Andy: Thank you muchly. [cellphone continues playing] Jim: You gonna answer it? Andy: I called it myself. I just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring. Jim: Yikes. Andy: Side note. I'd just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you. Jim: Thank you. Andy: I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you're younger and have less experience. So here's to the future... Andy and the Tuna. [sings] Andy and the tuna... Jim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win. Michael: Yes, Dwight Schrute has left this company. More personnel turnover. Andy: The cost of doing business. Michael: Yes, well. It is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman... Andy: Was the top salesman... Michael: I said 'was'. Andy: [chuckles] Addition by subtraction. Michael: What does that even mean? That is impossible. Andy: Mmmm. Yeah you're right. Michael: But, there is some good news. Oscar is back. Addition by addition. So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back and hopefully that will lift everybody's spirits. Oscar: Hey, everyone. Kevin: Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation? Oscar: Oh, that's very funny. Kevin: Yeah? I thought of it like, two seconds after you left. Oscar: [sits at his desk] Hi, Angela. Angela: Oscar. Andy: Hey, boss. Michael: Hey, what's up. Andy: Noooothin'. Ehrrrrrrrrr. Heh. Man. TGI-Wednesday. Am I right? Michael: Yep. Andy: Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my 'Lost' on. What are you doing later, wanna hang out? Michael: I don't know. Maybe. Andy: Well, I will take that as a maybe. [Michael gets up] Where are you going? Michael: Bathroom. Andy: Oh, well, I'm going to the kitchen, I'll walk with you. Andy: [lurking by the bathroom door] Yeah, things are going pretty good. Gettin' a lot of face time with the boss. Angela: Oscar? I have a question. Would you like to join the party planning committee? Oscar: The one of all women? Angela: Yeah. Oscar: Because I'm gay? Angela: No. No. Certain events have transpired. And I've thought about certain things. And I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired. [starts to cry] And I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations. Oscar: OK, OK, OK, all right, all right. I'll join. I'd love to. That's - thank you. Angela: Thank you. [sniffles] Kevin: Can I join too? Angela: Never. Staples Guy: You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work. Dwight: [scoffs] Child's play. Give me something hard to sell. Michael: Wow. [walks over to the plant] What is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible. Pam: Do you want me to ask the cleaning crew if they stopped watering it? Michael: Yeah. And you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange them in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning. Pam: Oh, that wasn't the night crew. That was Dwight. Michael: Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office. Andy: Feel ya, dawg. Michael: Yeah, do you? Andy: Absolutely. Michael: What did I say? Andy: You said... [makes gibberish noises] Michael: Huh. Andy: Which is like, 'Right on.' And Pam was like 'blah blah blah' and you were like 'Yeah, psht.' Nailed it. Michael: Oh, no. Andy: Oh, no. MIchael: Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person. A little. Not super crazy... just... there's something about him that creeps me out. I can't really explain it. He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for 'being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.' I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness. Oscar: I really have no preference. We don't even have to have a party. Michael: No, hey, hey. Don't be ridiculous. Of course we are going to have a party. A celebration of Oscar. Oscar night. And I want it to be Oscar-specific. Oscar: Michael - Michael: No, no, no. I mean, not because you're gay. Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity. So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga. Oscar: Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office like Pepe. Michael: Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one. Dwight: Need any help? Lady: Oh, no, thank you. I'm just looking. Dwight: Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all. Lady: Okay. [moves away] Andy: I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Oh, oh, got my rod here. [fake casts off] Whizzzzz. [catches Jim] Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. [Jim gets up] Cli - ah! I got one! I got one! Ahhhh! Jim: Hey. Karen: Hey. Jim: So Andy is in rare form today. Karen: Yeah, you should not encourage him. Jim: Encourage him? I'm the victim, okay? He's fishing for me. We've got to do something. Karen: Look, I've got like fifteen new clients I inherited from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature. So, I'm sorry. I can't. Jim: Fine. Party pooper. Michael: Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep. Andy: 185 pounder. Check it out. Whew! ['displays' Jim who looks thoroughly annoyed] Jim: Hey, Ryan? Ryan: What? Jim: You wanna pull a prank on Andy? Ryan: Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago. Jim: I liked you better when you were the temp. Ryan: Yeah, me too. Michael: Hey guys. How's the workload on all of Dwight's old accounts? Handling it okay? Phyllis: Sort of. He had a lot of clients. Michael: Yes, he did. Have any of you talked to Dwight? Stanley: Oh, sure, we talk all the time. Michael: Really? Stanley: No. Michael: Don't - don't do that. That's not nice. What about you, Phyllis? You and Dwight were close. Phyllis: No. Sorry. Phyllis: Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive. Paris: Really comin' down out there. Commute's gonna be hell. Dwight: I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination. Paris: So um, where were you workin' before this? Dwight: Dunder-Mifflin. Paris: What kind of company is that? Dwight: [scoffs] Paper company. They're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area. Paris: I never heard of 'em. Dwight: Whoa. Really? Have you heard of paper? Paris: You gonna be like that, huh? Paris: I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That's all I got to say on the matter. Andy: [singing] In your he-ead, in your he-eyd-ed. Zombie. Zombie. Zombie. Ey, ey, ey, ey. In your he-eyd-ed. Jim: Would you like to pull a prank on Andy? Pam: Oh, I'm kind of in the middle of - yes please. Jim: Okay, good. Stay right here. Andy: [after Jim knocks over his pencils] Oh. Good move, Tuna. Nice one. Jim: [hands Pam Andy's phone] Are there any messages? Pam: Nope. Jim: So weird. Pam: [takes the phone] Hmm. Michael: Nice to have Oscar back. Angela: Yeah. Andy: Large Tuna. Have you seen my cell phone device? Jim: No. Andy: Cause someone is calling right now. There is a call. Pam: Angela? Angela: Oh. [hands Pam tape] Pam: Is everything okay? Angela: No. Andy: What's going on? Jim: What are you talking about? Andy: Where is my FREAKING phone?! Jim: You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling. Andy: Maybe you're in the ceiling! Jim: Okay. Andy: [trying to look in Phyllis's desk, she slams the drawer shut] I don't trust you, Phyllis! Angela: I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he was driving to New York to drop off the correlated documents that I forgot to send. Though to be fair, Kevin never reminded me. Michael: Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why. Because Dwight loves this company. Angela: Yes. Michael: Do you think that anyone else out there would have driven to corporate for you? Angela: None of them. Especially not Andy. Michael: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly. Andy: Wait up. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with? Michael: Um. Andy: Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bars, beers, buzzed. Wings. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football - Cornell/Hofstra. Slaughter. Then a quick nap at my place and we'll hit the tiz-own. Michael: No. I don't want to do any of that. Andy: Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that. Michael: No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy. Andy: Fine. I'll just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [Andy's phone rings] Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny! Oh, my GOD. [punches a hole in the wall] That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good? Pam: Yeah. Andy: Sure? Okay. Dwight: [to customer] Well, that question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper. It's your funeral. See how that works out for you. Michael: Hey. Dwight: Hey. Michael: What's up? Dwight: Same old. Michael: Um. It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did. Dwight: Oh my God, she told you? Michael: Yes, she did. And Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning, and I apologize. Dwight: Accepted. Michael: How's this place treating you? Dwight: [scoffs] The boss isn't funny. Michael: Oh, well. Dwight: I don't get to wear my ties. Michael: No. I'm sure. Dwight: So? Michael: So, maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please. Dwight: I don't want to do your laundry anymore. Michael: We can talk about that. [Dwight high fives Michael] All right. Jim: [inspecting the hole in the wall] Oh my God, that's half-inch drywall. Pam: I think we broke his brain. [they both snicker] Jim: [imitating Andy] 'It's not freakin' funny!' Angela: Are you enjoying your fiesta? Oscar: Actually, yeah. I didn't think I would, but turns out - [Angela walks away] it's great. Michael: Ladies and gentlemen! May I present... Mr. Dwight Schrute! Everybody: Yay. [scattered appalause] Angela: Welcome back. Dwight: Thank you. Michael: Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You're gonna break it. [looks around the room] Not bad, huh? Dwight: You did this for me? [camera pans to 'Welcome Back Oscar' sign] Michael: Guilty. Creed: Oh... Where did you get this stuff? Meredith: Gerty's. Creed: Which aisle? Meredith: I don't remember. Creed: Well, draw me a map, mama. Michael: Pam. I will shake mine and then you will shake yours. Pam: No, I will not. Michael: So does this remind you of your childhood right now? Oscar: It reminds me a lot of the 'Three Amigos' with Steve Martin and Chevy Chase. Michael: Wow. Thank you. Wow, that's- thanks so much. Jim: Hey. Karen: [sighs] Do you still have feelings for her? Jim: [long pause and then he sighs and nods] Yes. Michael: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale! Sir, would you do the honor? [hands broom to Dwight, though Oscar thinks he's handing it to him] Dwight: Oh, man. [Kevin starts to put a blindfold on] No, no, no. I don't need it. Get out! [beats up pinata] Michael: It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm. Andy: So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management, technically, but still. Management material. [gets out of his car] This whole thing supposed to take ten weeks, but I can be done in five. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles. So, don't worry about old Andy Bernard. I'll be back. Just like Rambo, so. Marcy: Oh, hi. You must be Andy. Andy: Oh, hi! Yes. I am and you must be... Marcy! Marcy: That's right, it's so good to meet you. Andy: It's so good to meet you! Marcy: Thanks. Well, you ready to have some fun? Andy: Yeah.

Michael: Hello son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead. Life is a road- Dwight: How do you know it's going to be a boy? Michael: How, would you stop interrupting please? Michael: Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life. Michael: Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to. Michael: To jump start a car, first pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever. Dwight: [Shakes head] Michael: Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra. Pam: What? Michael: We will demonstrate on Pam. Pam: No. No. [Leaves] Michael: Come on. Michael: [Dwight is wearing a bra] You just twist your hand until something breaks. Dwight: Ow. Michael: Well you get the picture. Thanks Pam. Michael: And remember no matter what, I will always love you. Dwight: What if he's a murderer? Michael: He's not going to be a murderer. Dwight: Maybe that's how you die. Michael: You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this, or no? Dwight: I want to do this. Michael: Okay. From the top. Ready? Three- Dwight: Action. Michael: Hello everyone! As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis' wedding. [Applause] So get your suits to the dry cleaner and get your hair did. And Karen, um, you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don't already have one. This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. It is my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So I am instituting prima nocta. Jim: Prima nocta, I believe from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So... Michael: I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant. Michael: I'm trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis' wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which won't be hard, because it's going to be awesome. A lot better than hers, that's for sure. It'll probably be on a boat. Michael: What's up spinsters? Angela: Nothing. You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only. Michael: No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guy's night out. A G-N-O if you will. A Gah-No. Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay. Not- not- it's uh, not gay, it's just a, it's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys. Karen: I guess Jim and I have had a little bit of a rough patch for the past couple weeks but we had some really good talks and actually now I think that we're better than ever. Jim: Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and uh, every night, for the last five nights. Pam: Something's up with Jim and Karen. Not that I've been eavesdropping. It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck. Packer: Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. Hey everybody it's me, Jim. Hello, hello. Todd Packer. Karen: Karen Fillipelli. Jim's girlfriend. Packer: Shut up! Karen: Yep. Packer: Shut it! Karen: That's rude. Packer: Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight! Michael: Yes. Yes! Oh! There-oh! [Clutches chest and falls to the floor] Packer: What happened? Michael: Oh God- Packer: Quick somebody help! Help the man! [Pretends to kick Michael] Michael: No, no, no! Michael: I can't believe you're not going to be there. It's going to be good, it's going to be a great bachelor party man. Packer: I have a full day of sales calls. Michael: You should get out of them. Packer: [Breaks pencil.] Michael: It's the only time he can do it. 2:30 to 3:15. It's going to be great. We're going to be doing some darts, we're going to be grilling up some steaks, got some pie. Going to be very delicious. Packer: And what kind of stripper did you get? Michael: I did not order a stripper. Packer: You didn't order a stripper? Have you ever even been to a bachelor party? Michael: Um, not personally, no. Packer: Mike, okay, a stripper is bachelor party 101. If you don't get a stripper your party is going to suck it hard. Michael: I can't get a stripper here. Sexual Harassment. Packer: Just get one for the girls too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal. Michael: So that's what that means. Michael: Okay everybody, slight change of plans, we are still going to be having two parties but each is going to get a little extra dose of naught-ay. Uh! [Spanks himself] Dwight: Alright! Uh! [Spanks himself] Michael: Gay. Dwight: What? Michael: Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies. Angela: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office. Meredith: SHUT UP ANGELA! Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: Ugh. Jim: Ugh. Pam: Everything okay? Jim: Oh yeah. Why? Pam: Well you seem a little tired. Jim: Oh. Yeah well, I guess there's been a couple late nights. Karen and I have been up talking. Pam: You should get more sleep. Jim: Yeah, I know I should. Pam: Never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep. Jim: No, I'm sure you're right. Pam: When I get eight hours, compared to like six hours, like, big difference. Jim: Really? Pam: Oh yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle going with the whole sleeping. Better than not. Jim: Good advice Beesley. Thanks. See you out there. Pam: Yeah. Don't fall asleep at your desk. [Turning towards the vending machine] Oh my God. Michael: Okay. We are off. Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies and I need you to handle hiring the strippers. Jim: Absolutely not. Dwight: I'm on it. Michael: Well get on it. And make it happen. Dwight: Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats. No, TATS. Of course I want- Jim: Stop. That's disgusting. Dwight: Leave me alone and get the male stripper. Jim: Fine. Dwight: I knew you would, Nancy. Jim: Sally. Dwight: No preference, what do you think redhead or brunette? Jim: Blonde. Dwight: Nice. Do you have any blonde women? Michael: [Giggles.] Ryan: He hasn't even said a word yet. Just giggling. Michael: [Pokes Ryan with a sex toy.] Gotcha, oh! [Phone rings.] Yes? Jim: Are you okay? Michael: I'm in the, I'm in the sex shop. Jim: Ah, gotcha. Okay, so they have Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or Sponge Bob Squarepants. Michael: Squarepants? Jim: Yep, Spongebob Squarepants. Michael: And you think that'd be sexy? Jim: Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania. Ben Franklin: Hold the door please! Michael: Oh. Ben Franklin: Thank you. Michael: Oh. Hello! Ben Franklin: Hello! Michael: You wearing a thong? Ben Franklin: What? Angela: Sparkling cider is very good. Pam: I think that's champagne. Angela: [Spits champagne back into her glass] Michael: Hello ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin. Ben Franklin: Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin. Michael: Half pants, right Mr. Franklin? Ben Franklin: Knickers in fact, yes! Michael: He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever. Ben Franklin: Well, actually, I never was president. Michael: Yes, but, Ben Franklin was. Ben Franklin: Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers. Michael: And when they came over on the Mayflower. Bow chicka bow. Meredith: Wait, this is the entertainment? Michael: Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one. [Points to Phyllis] Jim: Have you ever seen a stripper before? Dwight: Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases. Jim: Yeah, me neither. Elizabeth: Hey. Jim: Hi. Elizabeth: I'm Elizabeth, I'm the dancer that was requested. Dwight: Okay, I specifically ordered a stripper. Elizabeth: I'm the stripper. Dwight: Oh, okay good. Well in the future please identify yourself as such. Jim: [Phone rings] Oh God. Dwight: [Reading the text message] Is she hot? Text back, 'Kind of.' Ben Franklin: It was a warm June evening in 1752, the night of my fateful kite flight. Karen: Mr. Franklin? Ben Franklin: Yes? Karen: Do you have a girlfriend? Ben Franklin: I have a lovely wife, Deborah. Pam: But don't you also have girlfriends in Paris? Like a lot of them? Ben Franklin: Uh, well that is a grey area of my life. Okay? So, it was a warm June evening. Michael: Look at that. Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors. Ryan: Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on? Michael: No. Yes. Ryan: Oh gross. Michael: But I got all the foot off of it. Pam: Okay Ben Franklin! Karen: Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem with his mouth! Ben Franklin: Well, that is because I am a renaissance man. Pam: Ben Franklin, do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons? Ben Franklin: Well, you're very saucy! [Winks at Pam.] Michael: Guys, beef! It's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat? Dwight: I do! I want some man meat! Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat. Michael: Well then my man meat, he shall have. There you go. Deliciousity. Stanley: [Stanley's fork breaks.] Of course. Karen: So I guess you have the Ben Franklin wig and the costume and you figure, how can I put this to practical use? Pam: Well I like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator and he really pressured him into it. Karen: Hey um, I wanted to talk to you. I know this is weird or whatever, but Jim told me about you guys. Pam: What do you mean? Karen: Well that you kissed. And we talked it through and it's totally fine, it's not a big deal. It's just a kiss. Wait- you're not still interested in him? Pam: Oh yeah. Karen: Really? Pam: Oh no, I was confused by your phrasing. You should definitely go out with Jim. I mean, you're going out with Jim. I'm not going out with Jim. You're dating him, which is awesome, because you guys are great together. Karen: Okay. Pam: I'm not into Jim. Yeah. Karen: So um, well good. Pam: Yeah. Sorry. Karen: What are you sorry about? Pam: Um, what? Karen: What are you sorry about? Pam: Nothing. I was just thinking of something else. Kevin: Okay. The game is no limit deuce to seven lowball. Lines twenty five fifty, nickels are worth ten, dimes twenty-five, and quarters fifty. Nothing wild. Michael: I call shuffle. Here we go. [Spreads cards out all over the table] Kevin: Michael. Michael: Ah, gentlemen, the entertainment is here. Everybody I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth. Elizabeth: Hi guys! Michael: Nice outfit. Elizabeth: I hear there's an important meeting here. Roy: I'm not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art. Elizabeth: Hit it. [Feel Like Makin' Love plays in background] So where's the groom? Michael: He's right there. There he is. Bob Vance: Absolutely not. That's all you. That's all you. Michael: Okay. Alright, I'll do it. Yeah. Lets do it. Lets do this thing. Yeah. What do I? Elizabeth: Just sit on down. Michael: Alright. Elizabeth: Alright. Michael: Okay. Elizabeth: Here we go. Michael: Here we go. Alright! Elizabeth: Yeah! Michael: Not bad! Not bad! You smell nice. Like Tide. Elizabeth: Mmm, what's that? Michael: You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent? Ha ha ha! I have a girlfriend so... Elizabeth: I bet she'd be jealous. [Rips off shirt] Michael: Yeah she probably, yeah she would be. You know what, okay, excuse me. Please stop it, stop it. Turn off the music. This is wrong, this is wrong! This is wrong! I have a girlfriend. And you are engaged and I'm sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something so lets just clear out okay. Shame on you. Go back to work! Dwight: Elizabeth, I want you to sit here. When the phone rings, answer it. Elizabeth: You want me to answer phones with my clothes on. Dwight: We hired you for three hours work and we're going to get it. Elizabeth: Oh I love your poster. Angela: Thank you. Kevin: [Mouths 'hi' at the stripper] Ben Franklin: You know I invented electricity. Pam: I know. Ben Franklin: Well I'm sensing a little electricity right here. Pam: Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis? Ben Franklin: Yes, but I don't. My name is Gordon. Pam: Ohhh. Michael: On one hand I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth but on the other hand I'm afraid she's going to dump me. Ben Franklin: You know Michael, I fathered an illegitimate son. Michael: Really. Ben Franklin: But I kept all this from my wife Deborah. These things only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler sex. Michael: Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag. Michael: Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me? Elizabeth: Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone. Michael: Wow. Thank you. Dwight: Care for a piece of chocolate? Ben Franklin: Chocolate! Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon but it has not yet been imported to the United States. Dwight: Who is the king of Austria? Ben Franklin: Joseph the 2nd. Dwight: Who is the king of Prussia? Ben Franklin: Fredrick Wilhelm the 3rd. Dwight: Who is the king of England? Ben Franklin: Why the tyrant King George, of course! Dwight: I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure. Jan: [On speaker phone] Michael, I left a meeting. What is so urgent? Are you, are you okay? Michael: Not really, look I don't know how to say this so I just will. Jan: Okay. Michael: I went to a bachelor party and things got a little out of hand. Jan: Uh when, when did, when last night? Michael: No, today at work. Jan: You went to a bachelor party at work? Michael: Yes. I kind of arranged it. Kelly: Well I don't even think the stripper was that hot. Do you guys think she was hot? Ryan: Kelly don't do this. Kelly: Do what? I just asked you a question. Ryan: You know what you're doing. Kelly: Anyway, do you know who was totally flirting with Ben Franklin? Pam. Jim: Really? Looks like I hired the right guy. I'm glad. Any real potential there Beesley? Pam: Yeah, right. God, I need a boyfriend. You know Ryan I'm totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever. Ryan: Ok. Elizabeth: Oh my God, I would get so fat if I worked here. Pam: Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time. Elizabeth: You could strip you know. Pam: Thanks. Michael: So you don't want to end our relationship? Jan: I'm closer to firing you. Michael: That is so sweet. You are the best GD girlfriend in the world. Do you know that? Jan: I'll talk to you later. Michael: You are. You are. Michael: So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't. Dwight: Are you near sighted or far sighted? Ben Franklin: Both. That's why I invented the bifocal. Dwight: GAH!!!

Jim: Damn, lost another file. Going to have to reboot. Again. [Windows reboot sound] Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid? Dwight: What do you think? Jim: In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. For the last couple of weeks I've been conducting a similar experiment. Jim: [Windows reboot sound] Dwight, want an Altoid? Dwight: Okay. Jim: [Windows reboot sound] Altoid? Dwight: Sure Jim: [Windows reboot sound] Mint Dwight? Dwight: Inbwit? Yes. Dwight: [Windows reboot sound] [Dwight holds out his hand, sighs] Jim: What are you doing? Dwight: I... Jim: What? Dwight: I don't know. My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden. [nasty, dry mouth-smaking noise] Michael: Always the bridesmaids, right ladies? Photographer: Okay, for this next one everyone hop out. Just Phyllis and Dad. Actually, let's bring Mom back in. And the sisters. And you, and you, and you. Great. Michael: Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis. But it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride. Phyllis: Yes, I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before. Pam: Phyllis... ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me. So it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like 'Wait, thought I called that off'. Jim: So what's in the box? Stanley: A toaster, you? Karen: A toaster. Stanley: Unbelievable. Dwight: Hello, Angela. Angela: Hi, Dwight. Dwight: You look as beautiful as the Queen of England. Angela: Thank you. Don't linger. Break left. Left! Dwight: The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair. Jim: Those flowers are nice. Karen: Yeah. P and R? Jim: Phyllis and Robert. Karen: Ah, of course. Pam: Also, Pam and Roy. Michael: There she is. I swear Phyllis you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin. Phyllis: Thanks, Michael. That's sweet. Same as when you said it outside. Michael: How you doin'? You excited. Phyllis: Yes, very. Michael: Me, too. If you need to vomit, that is ok. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight? Phyllis: No. Michael: You're probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure. Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay, if you did. It's a very natural reaction. It's your wedding. And you're nervous... Phyllis: That wasn't me. Michael: Okay... umm... I'm sure that Bob... Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Aaah... Are you set on that hairstyle? Phyllis: I thought it was... Michael: Here, let me... Phyllis: Michael... No. Michael: Just cover up that bald patch. Phyllis: I don't need your... thank you. No, Michael please... I just need some time alone. Michael: Okay. Michael: You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding. It's actually a very cute story. My Mom was marrying Jeff. And they asked me to be ring bearer. I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet. Michael: [in video of Michael as a kid] I hate you! Michael: Long story short: Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said 'boo'. Dwight: Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people? Jim: You know what? I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers. Dwight: No way. Jim: Did you ever see that movie? Dwight: Of course I saw it. Dwight: I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theatre, but I kept waiting. That's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it. Jim: You know I just wish, I wish, I had the investigative powers to smoke some of these guys out. Dwight: Once again, Jim, I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis. That way I won't have to get her a gift. Kevin: [to Toby's date] Hi. I'm Kevin. [to Toby] Where did you find her? Toby: At the gym. Kevin: Riiight. The gym. [snickers] Kelly: Could you scoot over? You're on my dress. Meredith: I thought you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding. Kelly: I know but there was an emergency. Kelly: I look Michael: This strappy young lad sitting here is Phyllis' father, Albert, and he is quite the ladies' man, aren't you Albert, hah? Ah, ringbearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better. I can't believe I'm actually doing this! Ooh! Are you ready for this, Albert? I am. Let's do it. Pam: That's my dress. Michael: [whispers to father] That's ok. [Albert gets out of his wheelchair and starts walking] Dwight: It's a miracle. Crowd: [generalized clapping] Michael: This is bull****! Michael: Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now... the wedding has no highlight. Michael: I can't believe I pushed that... that guy's lazy ass around all day... until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. That's... well... I got news for you, Albert. If that's your real name. The show's not over. Priest: And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband? Phyllis: I do. Michael: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance! Priest: And do you, Bob... Michael: Oh, shiii... Priest: ... take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife Bob Vance: I do. Priest: You may now kiss the bride. Michael: Ladies and Gentleman, for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance. [generalized clapping and cheering] Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Angela: Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning. Phyllis: Thanks Angela. Michael: Congratulations, Bob. You're a good man. But just know... if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you. Bob Vance: If you ever lay I finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you. Michael: Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis. [to Albert] Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me, too. Dwight: Best of luck, Phyllis. Also I'm going to need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers. Phyllis: I don't have that, Dwight. Dwight: Dammit, Phyllis! Kelly: Are you all right? This must be so awful for you. Pam: What do you mean? Kelly: Well... this was supposed to be your wedding. Pam: Oh... um... no. That's... um... That's actually fine Kelly: There's no way it's fine. I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant. Pam: Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks Dwight: Scuse me, sir. How do you know the happy couple? Uncle Al: Who? Dwight: The bride and groom? What are their names? Uncle Al: Oh, I... I don't... I'm not sure. Dwight: Oh I get it, I get it, come on, freeloader. Let's move it. Come on. Come on. Uncle Al: Okay, Okay. Where are we going? Dwight: Got to find yourself another wedding to crash, my friend. Uncle Al: Oh! Michael: Phyllis! Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfecter? Phyllis: It's beautiful. Why don't you find your seat. Enjoy the buffet. Michael: I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back. Phyllis: It's fish. Michael: I will take care of that. Michael: I do. I know a fair amount about fine food... and drink. This is a white. Kevin: No this is not our first wedding. This is the THIRD wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist's wedding and our guitarist's wedding. Kevin: Attention, everyone. Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It is a very serious situation. [sings] Roxanne. You don't have to put on your red light. Roy: Hey. Pam: Hey. Roy: I know I normally don't notice these kind of things but uh... This wedding's really nice! I mean, the flowers and stuff? Phyllis has got some great taste. Pam: You're kidding me, right? Roy: I know you're probably not going to remember this, right? But um... Those color roses? I got you those color roses for our prom. Pam: Roy, I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding. Roy: I uh guess I wasn't really too involved in the planning. Pam: Yeah. Roy: Sorry about that. Pam: It's okay. Roy: You think this sucks for you? I was the one who actually wanted to get married. Randy: Phyllis, you're a wonderful woman. And you're a hell of a bowler! Crowd: [cheering and clapping] Unknown: She is. Randy: Cheers. Crowd: Cheers. Michael: Thank you, Randy. That was great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I'm Michael Scott and for the next forty minutes, I'm going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance. One of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's Dictionary defines 'wedding' as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. Well, you know something. I think you guys are two metals. Gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride 'Mawige... Michael: The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones. Michael: Phyllis and Bob: their celebrity couple name would be Phlob. You look at her... and she's kind of matronly today, but back in High School, I swear, her nickname was 'Easy Rider'. Now as for Bob... Bob Vance... Bob Vance: Oh okay. That's enough. Michael: is a guy that... Bob Vance: Thanks, Michael. Give me... Michael: he works... Okay hold, hold on, hold on. Look. Look. I didn't say anything when Phyllis' dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this. Kay. Bob Vance: Give me the microphone. Michael: No. I'm not going to... Bob Vance: Give me... Give me the microphone, Michael. Michael: Ok. All right. Bob Vance: You're out of here! Michael: Oh. Yeah. You're out of here! You're... Yeah. I hate you! Jim: Hey. Pam: Hey! Jim: When are we going to get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves? Pam: Oh... I'm pacing myself. Jim: Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want. Pam: No. I'm such a dorky dancer. Jim: I know. It's very cute. Jim: Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then... No, it's totally hypothetical. Michael: Come... Come on! Dwight: I can't let you in, Michael. Michael: Dwight, just... Dwight: No, it's Bob and Phyllis' orders. Michael: Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit and have a piece of cake. I'm not even going to dance one song. Dwight: You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I'm sorry, it gives me no pleasure. Michael: OK. Roy: Hey, they're playing our song. Pam: Yeah, that's weird. I thought they only played the Police. Roy: I know. Uh... I gave them twenty bucks. You want to dance? Michael: [sings] ee... I was meant for you... buppity du bom bu. Roy: [to Pam] Hey, want to get out of here? Jim: Here's a 'not hypothetical'. I'm really happy I'm with Karen. Karen: [sings] Every little thing she does is magic. Every little thing she do just turns me on. Even though my life before was tragic. Now I know my love for her goes on. Every... Women: One... Two... Three. Ahhhh! [Phyllis throws the flowers, Ryan knocks them out of Kelly's hands, Toby's date gets them] Toby: Toby! Yeah! Michael: I just want Phyllis to have a great day. Uncle Al: Phyllis and you will be great together. Michael: We are great together. We are a great team. Uncle Al: The Celtics were a great team. Michael: Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon. Uncle Al: Nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn't know! Michael: Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head. Michael: Phyllis. Phyllis! Wait! Please. I'm sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember. Phyllis: You found Uncle Al! Michael: Yeah. Yeah. He's kind of a weirdo. Phyllis: Thank you, Michael. Michael: You're... You're welcome. Michael: They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that your lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that's crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad. Michael: Be careful. Oh no!! [Phyllis and Bob smear cake on each other's face] Oh wow! Phyllis! Phyllis! You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me! [Michael smears cake on his own face]

Michael: Oh hey, Kevin, nice of you to join us, where were you? Kevin: My tire blew out on the way here, Michael. Michael: Huh? Kevin: I almost died. I... I went into this skid- Michael: Pop quiz. Kevin: ...What? Michael: Why is today a special day? Kevin: I almost died. Michael: Today's a special day, because I am being honored as a... visiting... professor, special lecturer, emeritus... how did you, how did you... Ryan: You will be a guest speaker... in my Emerging Enterprises class. Michael: In business school, Kevin. Business school. Kevin: Wow. Ryan: If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid Michael: A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um... and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. ... Really ruined eighth grade for us. Michael: Here we go. College Roadshow. Gotta bring our... A game. What was the most inspiring thing I've ever said to you? Dwight: Don't be an idiot.' Changed my life. Dwight: Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing. Michael: Will they throw their hats, you think? Ryan: What? Michael: A lot of times, at a... school, or naval academy, after a rousing speech, the crowd would throw its hats high into the air. Ryan: Y-You understand nobody's graduating. Michael: Yeah, I know, I know. I'm just saying if they did throw their hats I've got a great line for that: 'May your hats fly as high as your dreams.' ... That was a pretty good line. Ryan: ...It doesn't apply. Michael: I understand! Wow. Relax, spazzy boy. Sometimes you're such a little spaz! [pokes Ryan] Whoa, hey! Ryan: Quit it! Michael: We have fun. Roy: I can't for your art show tonight. Pam: Okay, just so you know, it's just the students from my class in a little studio. Roy: I-I wouldn't miss it for the world. Pam: Thanks. Pam: I'm really happy to be back with Roy. I think it shows maturity. Maturity and dignity. ... Is that braggy? I don't mean it to be braggy. Roy: Love ya. Pam: You too. Jim: Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on. Kelly: I can't believe you're back together with Roy! Pam: Oh, yeah! We have such a solid foundation, you know. Kelly: Oh my God. You're so in love now. Pam: Yeah. Oh, you should come to my art show, by the way. Kelly: Oh, art show! Pam: I mean, it's not a big deal, but I think a lot of people from the office will be there. Kelly: ...Oh... yeah. Definitely... I'll be there. For sure. Michael: Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made. Hey. Frisbee. Check that out. Aww! What do you say we get our Fris on before class? [runs over, throws frisbee] Whoo! College Student: ...Dude. Dwight: ...Oh my God. Animal stool. [jumps on desk] Pam: Dwight, what are you doing? Dwight: Solving a mystery, if that's quite alright with you. [opens ceiling tile] Come to Papa. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent. Fortunately I have found it befo-BAT! BAAAT! BAT! Karen: Oh my God! Dwight: BAAAAT! BAT! NO! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! There it goes! Stanley: Goooood bye. Angela: [on ground] ... Please don't let that stupid thing near me... Michael: Okay, this is it. Ryan is doing my intro right now. Ryan: ...Dunder-Mifflin can't compete with the modern chains, and management is unwilling, or unable, to adapt. Their customers are dying off... Michael: I can't hear what he's saying, but he looks like he's really into it. Dwight: We have... a bat... in the office. Toby: The simple solution would be to open a window... if we had... windows that could open. Angela: Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop! Jim: Okay. Thanks. [hangs up phone] Animal control will be here at six. Dwight: At Six?! No, that is unacceptable. Okay, Jim, you are the number two in this office. You need to step up and show some leadership. Jim: I'm sorry what did you say? So wierd... Dwight: What? What's so wierd? Jim: The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... [shrugs] Oh well. Ryan: And now, without further ado, I present the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton, Michael Scott. Michael: Hello everyone, I am Michael Scott. And I would like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone's textbook, please? Thank you. What have we here? Ooh. Economics. Very, very interesting. [rips pages out of book] You cannot learn from books. Replace these pages with life lessons, and then, you will have... a book... that is worth its weight in gold. [gives book back] I know these are expensive, um, but the lesson is priceless. Good. Alright. I think you're inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel. Dwight: [sighs] This is your job, Halpert. Jim: Ow! Karen: Oh, what happened? Jim: That bread on your desk? I just picked it up. It's white hot. Karen: But Jim, this garlic bread is cold. Jim: What? ... No. It burned me. I... bizarre. Dwight: No... no. One crisis at a time. Dwight: If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a 'sylvania.' Like PENN-sylvania. Now that doesn't mean that Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ. Michael: So, you wanna start a business. How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply. You need something to sell. Now this could be anything. It could be... a... thingamajig. Or a... a whosi-whatsi. Or... [pulls out a candy bar] a Whatchamacallit [throws bar]. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay [takes out a PayDay, throws it]. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand [throws 100 Grand bar]. [pulls out a Snickers] Satisfied? Toby: Oh, this looks great. I'd, I'd love to be there, but my daughter's play is tonight. ... Damnit! You know, one of the other parents will probably videotape it. Pam: Oh! No, you should go. Toby: Well, it's important to support local art, you know. And what they do is not art. Michael: Okay, I'm seeing some confused... faces out there. Let me slow down a little bit. Break this down. Okay. The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies. Ryan: Michael. Michael: ...And products! Ryan: What we normally do here is more of a question and answer thing. Michael: Well... okay, I was just kind of getting it going. Um, alright. Well, okay, we can do questions. Okay. Very good. First hand up. Business Student #1: Sir, as a company that primary distributes paper, how have you adapted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world? Michael: We can't overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down. [everyone types on their laptops] Karen: Hey Jim, here's the aspirin you wanted. Jim: Oh, thank God. I have such a headache from that glare. Karen: What glare? Jim: The glare off Angela's crucifix? It's blinding. Dwight: I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog. Dwight: Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance- Creed: Sure. Dwight: #NAME? Creed: Okay. Dwight: Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake? Creed: What size? Business Student #2: What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain? Michael: ...I say you will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back. Business Student #2: Has anyone ever come back? Michael: ...We don't want them back, 'cause they're... stupid. Business Student #3: How far has your Herfindahl index declined since the merger? Michael: Nice try, how's your Pollack-says-what index? Business Student #3: ...What? Michael: Thanks, Kowalsky. Um, can we get on track here? Business Student #1: By your own employee's calculation you'll be obsolete in the next five to ten years. Michael: ...Wait, Ryan said that? Kelly: What are you doing? You'd better not hurt that little bat. Creed: Animals can't feel pain. Kelly: Don't hurt that bat, Creed! It's a living thing with feelings and a family! Dwight: Flush him towards the door. On my go... NOW! Kelly: AHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IIIT! Kevin: [locks bat in break room] I... am a hero! Michael: Yeah sure, you know business, sitting up here in your ivory tower. And your ebony tower. You know what? Tell you one thing, Dunder-Mifflin is here to stay. Business Student #2: But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain? Michael: David will always beat Goliath. Business Student #1: But there's five Goliaths, there's... Staples, Officemax... Michael: Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning. So do we just give up? Is that what we're learning in business school? Business Student #1: But in the big picture... Michael: Dunder-Mifflin is the big picture! Can't you understand that? No, you can't. You're too young. Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease. Well you know what? He doesn't know anything, and neither do you. [walks out] SO SUCK ON THAT! Ryan: ...It wasn't personal. Michael: Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office, pack your things. Ryan: Pack my-? Michael: You heard me, pack your things. Meredith: I really want to come out! Creed: Good night, Mary Beth! Jim: So... you're cool to just wait here for animal control? Dwight: Animal control? I've been controlling animals since I was six. Jim: Cool. Okay. I'm gonna go home and lie down, draw the shades... there's just so much sun in here... bye Dwight. Dwight: Goodbye Jim. And good luck. Dwight: Jim is on a path now. An eternal journey, and I wish him well. But I have a destiny in this realm. Specifically, in the kitchen. Pam: ...And it's all from the same series. Woman: Oh. Pam: Called 'Impressions.' Woman: Oh. Pam: Not that I call myself an impressionist, per se. Woman: Maybe one day. Pam: I hope so. Woman: Mmm. Pam: I still need... you know, my breakthrough, or whatever. [Woman leaves, Roy enters] Hey, babe, how are you? Roy: Good. Alright I brought my brother, huh? Pam: Hey, Kenny. Kenny: Hey Pam. Roy: How 'bout this, huh? I show up with my brother, and, no one from work is here? That's... pretty cool, huh? Dwight: Magic time. Gyeeeaahhh! [puts bag over Meredith's head] Meredith: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Get off! Get off me! Get off me! Dwight: Hold still, woman! Meredith: Get off me! Get it off! Ahhhh! Dwight: ...[captures bat in bag] ... You're welcome. Roy: It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them. Pam: Yeah, I'll just, I'll drive myself home. Roy: To my place? Pam: Maybe, I'm a little tired. Roy: Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art. Pam: Thank you. Ryan: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I was just trying to do my presentation, and... of course, I was wrong to suggest that Dunder-Mifflin might ever go out of business. But you don't have to fire me. Michael: Fire you? No, no no. You are moving... to the annex. Ryan: To the annex? Where... Kelly is? Michael: A good manager doesn't fire people. He hires people and inspires people. ... People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business. Oscar: You're the one who said we needed more culture. Gil: This is culture to you? Oscar: It's her first try. Gil: Yeah, on Van Gogh's first try, he drew the hands of the peasants. Oscar: Meaning what? Gil: Meaning, real art takes courage, okay? And honesty. Oscar: Well, those aren't Pam's strong points. Gil: Yeah, exactly. That's why this is... motel art. Artist: Thanks for coming. Michael: Pam-casso! Sorry I'm late, I had to race across town. Pam: Oh, Michael. Michael: Wow! You did these... freehand? Pam: Yep. Michael: My God, these could be tracings! Ohh! Look at this one. Wow! You nailed it. [sighs] ... How much? Pam: What do you mean? Michael: I don't see a... price. Pam: Um... you wanna buy it? Michael: Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there's my... window, and there's my car! That your car? Pam: Uh-huh. Michael: That is our building... and we sell paper. ... I am really proud of you. Pam: [hugs Michael] ... Thank you. Michael: What? Pam: Do you have something in your pocket? Michael: ...Chunky. Do you want half? Pam: No thank you. Michael: Okay. Michael: It is... a message. It is an inspiration, it is... a source of beauty. And without paper, it could not have happened. Unless, you had a camera. Kelly: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God... Ryan: It's only temporary, okay? Don't get excited. Kelly: I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't... Michael: Well ultimately I went into business to inspire people. They say those who can't do, teach. I can do both. I teach doing. Jim: OK, here we go... Digest of business terms, CliffsNotes on business economics, and a sales encyclopedia. Michael: Wow! That's a lot of books, do you have, umm, one book that sums up all of these. Jim: Those are the books that sum up the other books. Michael: So no? Jim: What are you reading? Michael: Oh, umm, ever since I started here, I've kept a diary of all my sales. Jim: Oh, that could be interesting. Michael: No, it's just mileage mostly, but there's one chapter that I call wisdoms. I'm going to read you a series of statements, and I want you to tell me, on a scale of one to ten, how smart they are. Jim: [clears throat] I am ready. Michael: Don't do what I say, say what I do. Jim: Five. Michael: Just getting warmed up. Mistakes are just successes that you mess up. Jim: Hmm... Five. Michael: This... You know this is a scale of one to ten? Jim: Yeah. Michael: OK. Do you want me to repeat that? Jim: No, I got it. Creed: [motions to phyllis's desk] Stanley: She's on her honeymoon. She won't be back for six weeks. Creed: I'll wait. [sighs] Meredith: Here's a joke for you. Why did Pam hook up with Roy at Phyllis's wedding? Angela: Don't Meredith. Meredith: You ready? Oscar: You know I don't like to participate in the... Meredith: Why did Pam hook up with Roy at Phyllis's wedding? Oscar: Really, it's just that I don't like to participate... Meredith: Grow up. Oscar: It's just... I'm sorry... It's gossip, and I don't think it's healthy. Meredith: Get over yourself. Oscar: Well, I'm not going to get over myself... it's wrong. Meredith: Because Roy use to... [long censor beep]... with the rice... [long censor beep]... [laughs] Oscar: [laughs] That's disgusting. Meredith: [still laughing] I know. Michael: Everybody please stand, and get up on your desks. [goes to stand on desk] Just stand right up. Ryan: Michael it's not... It's not... Michael: That's, yep a little flimsy. Umm... OK... Ahh... Alright, no more desks. Oh OK. Michael: I have a lot of big ideas, and the trick is to get it out of my brain and into theirs, in a way that is easy to swallow. Simple... [holds up snickers] Kids love candy bars. Michael: Lets try a little... Little social experiment here. Raise your hands if you like to buy things. OK, I see some people who like to buy things. You're it, you are the reason this world rolls along, give yourselves a round of applause. Say, say you want to start a business, and business is all about buying and selling, is it not? So say you want to sell lemonade, or stickers. Something you have to keep in mind, you must, and you might want to jot this down, you must sell the stickers for more than you bought the stickers for. Student 1: How have you adopted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world? Michael: Oh, Oh, I take umbrage to that premise...ses. Umm, let me ask you this: How many people exist in the world? Over forty billion. What are they going to be writing on... rocks? Any one else? [points] Yep. Student 2: Just following up on that first question... Michael: No no no no no. Never follow, always lead. Student 2: OK. Michael: OK. Student 2: New question. Michael: Very good. Student 2: In the digital age... Michael: OK. Student 2: ... email... Michael: Bop bop de Bope bop bop bop bop bop. You only have me for a limited time... Yes. Student 3: Do you believe your high fixed cost are warranted given your diminishing market share. Michael: How can I put this? That question makes you sound gay. Karen: [Karen sees Pam's art show flyer on the cabinet door, she looks around to make sure no one is looking, then proceeds to rip in down, Oscar comes out of the bathroom, Karen acts like she was just looking at it and then walks out of the kitchen] Dwight: BAT! Meredith: [comes out of the bathroom... screams... runs back into the bathroom] Dwight: What is a leader? I asked Jim that, and he said he had never heard the word before. In America, in 2007. He said he knew the word ladder... What an ignoramous. Meredith: [Bat hanging from ceiling cleaning itself] I really want to come out. Dwight: You want rabies? Be my guest. Pam: [looking with Kevin at the art show flyer] Should be fun. Kevin: Your name looks really nice. Creed: Goodnight Mary-Beth. Kelly: Hope she's OK. Angela: Just goes to show the power of prayer. Kelly: You prayed for this? Angela: In a general sense. Kenny: So cool you're back with Roy. Maybe we can rent that cabin on the lake again this summer. Pam: Yeah, that'd be nice. Kenny: There'll be two of you and only one of me this time, since Denise left me. So I think it's fair I only pay a third. Pam: Yeah that seems fair.

Michael: Can you confirm that the straps are tight? Dwight: Yes. But this [pulls at straight jacket] seems to be... Michael: And now, the chains. Michael: A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that's why so many other people in my class were kids. Self fulfilling prophecy. It's um, it's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school. Michael: MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic... And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage. [Kevin giggles] Can he do it? I don't see how he can. Dwight: I know how. Dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out from underneath. Michael: No. No. Everyone, now count down with me. THREE! Jim: Sorry, quick thing. Is it true that if you can't get out, you don't want anyone to help you? Michael: I will get out. Oh yes, I will. Pam: So we shouldn't help you, no matter how much you might beg and plead? Michael: No. Alright, this is getting hot. So let's just do this. Ok, ready? Three, two, one, go. [Michael spits out key, Jim covers it with his foot.] Michael: AHHHH! Kevin: Is everything ok, Michael? Michael: Yes. Michael: I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magician's code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key... Michael: Alright. Dwight: [trumpet sounds] Michael: Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm. Jim: Another worm? Like, are they friends? Dwight: It's early bird gets the worm. Michael: Pam, would you smell my breath? Pam: No, no. Dwight: Let me smell. [Michael breathes at Dwight] Good, not great. Michael: Michael, you go to parties all the time, why is tonight so special?' Well, tonight is so special because my boss's boss's boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company. And Jan and I are going as a couple. For the first time. So it's kind of our coming out party. Really. And that is why tonight is so special. Michael: Jimbo, last chance to carpool. Jim: Oh no thanks, I think Karen and I will take my car. Michael: Sure? Might be a good idea. Jim: Yeah. Michael: Go in together, could save some gas, have some fun, long trip. Jim: Thanks. Michael: Play some games? Jim: Oh. Um. I think we're good. Michael: I spy? Jim: Yeah. Jim: Why don't I wanna go? Didn't expect to need a reason, so let me think here. Um. I don't know any of these people. It's an obligation. I don't like talking paper in my free time, or in my work time. And, did I use the word pointless? Dwight: Thanks for inviting me along. Michael: Oh, sure. Really didn't give it any thought. Wait, should you be going? [phone rings] Heh-woh you. Jan: Michael? Michael: Hey, Buttercup. Jan: Hi. Michael: I am on my way. I should be there in about 15... Jan: Let's just blow this party off. Michael: That's what she said. Jan: Am I on speaker phone? Michael: Uh, yes you are. Jan: Is anybody else in the... Dwight: Hello, Jan. Jan: Hi, Dwight. Ok, Michael, take me off speaker phone. Michael: No problem. [doesn't turn off speakerphone] Jan: Ok. Let's just go to a motel... Michael: Ok. Jan: ...and just like rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica. Michael: Ok. Jan. Jan? This party is actually a really big step for us. So, I... Jan: Still on speaker? Michael: Ummm... I don't know. Jan: Are camera's there? Michael: Maybe. Jan: See you soon. Michael: Ok. Dwight: Talk to you later, Jan. Michael: Alright. Bye. Pam: Hey, Michael left early, so a bunch of us are going to go to Poor Richard's for happy hour. You should come. Roy: I can't. My brother, he just unloaded the jet ski's and kinda took a bath, so... we're going to go get hammered. Pam: Ok, well, we're going to a bar. Hey. You have to come to stuff with me. I'm serious! If you're going to be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things. Roy: Ok. Pam: I have decided that I'm going to be more honest. I'm going to tell people what I want. Directly. So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy. Michael: Beauty. Thank you sir! Dwight: Salad. Michael: Thank you. Dwight: You dressed exactly like the servants. Michael: Shut up. Ok, change shirts with me. Dwight: Wait. I don't think yours will fit me. Michael: I don't care. Oh, wow. Here. Don't put my jacket. Don't give me that. Dwight: That would have been really embarrassing. Michael: Yes. Dwight: Crisis averted. Michael: Ok. Pam: Oh, that duck is so cute. Kevin: Hey Pam. Pam: Hey guys. Kevin: Oscar. Angela. Michael: Hi. Michael: Actually, it's polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend. Michael: Oh, um, potato salad. Dwight: It's from both of us. Michael: No, it's not. Rachel: Wonderful, let's, ah, see where we can put this. Ok. Michael: Oh, you probably want to leave the cover on until the guests get here. Michael: It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know. Pam: Kevin, you and Stacy set a date yet? Kevin: Yeah. Kelly: Oh my God, when is it? Kevin: It's complicated. I would appreciate some space on this. Roy: Hey. Pam: Hey. You made it. Roy: You said it was important, so... How's it going? Kenny: What's up, Pam. Pam: Hey Kenny, sorry about the jet skis. Roy: You guys, uh, want a round, on me? Everyone: Yeah. Roy: Yeah? Get you a drink. Kenny: Thanks man. Angela: No thank you, Roy. Dwight: Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces. Michael: What are you looking for? You bring dip? Jan: I'm sure that it's catered. I need you to sign these, Michael. It's a waver of some of your rights. You should read it carefully. It releases the company in the event that our relationship, in your opinion or in reality, interferes with work. You get a copy, I get a copy, and a third copy goes to HR. Michael: Awesome. I'm going to frame mine. I could frame yours too. Jan: You realize this is a legal document that says you can't sue the company. Michael: Over our love. Jan: I've never told you that I love you. Michael: You don't have to, Jan. This contract says it all. Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self loathing. Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star. Jan: What's this over the 'i'? Michael: It's a heart. Jan: Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying? Michael: I love this woman! Jan: Oh, no. Michael, please. Michael, please. Dwight: Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? Dan Gore: No. Dwight: No? Then you are an idiot. Rachel: Hello Michael. Michael: Rachel. Boy, you clean up good. Place looks great with all the lights on. And everything. Actually looks bigger with people in it. It's weird. So... David: Jan, glad you could make it. Jan: Of course, of course, David. Do you remember Michael Scott? David: Of course I do. Jan: From the Scranton Branch. Michael: Jan and I are lovers. It feels so good to finally say that out loud. Jan: David, can I, um, speak to you privately for just a moment, please. Rachel: Excuse me. Michael: Ok. Pam: [looks at beers] Oh. [Starts to walk away, turns around] No. Actually, one of these is supposed to be a lite. Bartender: Oh, sorry. Man: So did the merger go smoothly, or? Michael: It did. Like butter. Mike Myers, SNL. You should ask Karen, she was one of them. Karen: I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management. Michael: Yeah, but you're great now, right? We're all great. Aren't we great? Jan: We're good. [Michael tries to kiss Jan] Michael, stop. Please stop that, ok? Rachel: Can I get anyone anything, or? Michael: I could go for an appeteaser. Jan: Martini please. Michael: Bagel bites or something. Karen: Rachel, your house is beautiful. Rachel: Thank you. Dwight: What's the square footage? David: About 5,000. Dwight: Does that include the garage? Michael: Dwight, wow. That's not appropriate. Dwight: I'm just... David: I don't know Dwight: It's a common question. Michael: David, how much did this house cost? Dwight: These old colonials are great, when they're sound. I'd love to take a look around. Rachel: I'll show you around. Dwight: Cool, let's start with the banisters. Karen: Hey, do you see that guy behind you in the blue blazer against the wall? Jim: Yep. Karen: That's Drake. And just so you know, I don't want to be weird or anything, but we use to date. Jim: Oh, ok. Cool. Thanks for telling me. Karen: And it didn't end well. Jim: Gotcha. Alright. David: This was a gift from Lee Iacocca. Twenty year old, single malt scotch. Michael: Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment, the De Lorean. [takes sip, coughs violently] Jan: You ok? Michael: Yeah. Do you have any ice? David: Sure. Michael: How about some Splenda? Roy: One, two, three, up Jenkins! Down Jenkins. Oh, I think I heard the quarter over here. Kenny: Where? Roy: On this side. Kevin: No, it is definitely under one of these hands. [points to Meredith and Kelly's hands] Ryan: I think I heard it on Roy's side. Kevin: No, it is here. Ryan: [tapping Meredith and Kelly's hands] Not here. Not here. Not here. Not here. Kevin: Good thing you didn't listen to me. Ryan: Yeah, close one. Roy: [points at one of Stanley's hands and one of Pam's] Not here. Not here. It's either here or here. [Stares at Pam] Not here. [Points at Stanley's hand]. Kenny: YES! Pam: Nice job. Roy: I can read you like a book. Pam: Oh yeah? Roy: You can't keep anything from me. Student 1: Hey Creed. Creed: Hey! What are you guys doing here? Student 2: You're the man buddy. Creed: I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station. Dwight: Huh. [Bangs on wall] Yeah, these studs are way too far apart. What's in here? [Opens door]. Rachel: Uh, that's a guest room. Dwight: Just the one window? Rachel: [phone rings] Oh. I must get that. You'll have to excuse me. Dwight: Are those real pearls? Rachel: Uh, yes. Dwight: [tests smoke detector] Good. Jim: Well, it was nice meeting you guys. Take care. Karen: Well, if you're wondering why his wife was staring daggers at me, it's because I kinda saw him for a little bit while they were separated. Jim: Oh. Hadn't noticed. Karen: Really? I thought it was so obvious. I'm glad it didn't make you uncomfortable. Jim: No, it was before I knew you so, its fine. Michael: This one really smells like vanilla. Check that out. Jan: It's nice. Michael: You and the misses should join us at Sandals Jamaica next Christmas. Jan: I, Michael, I think David probably wants to spend Christmas here with his family. Michael: Oh yeah, they don't allow kids at Sandals. They are persona non gratis... there. But it's fun. It's an awesome place. You would not believe how low this girl can limbo. Jim: Oh. Michael: Crazy. Jan: I'm sorry. You're just going to have to excuse us for just a couple minutes. Michael: Ok. Excuse me. What's going on? What is it? Jan: Sorry. Michael, come here. Just, just, just, just. [kisses Michael] Michael: What are you doing? Jan: Don't you know what I'm doing? Michael: Yes, but you could tell me. What... What is that? Why are you? Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy. Jan: Shut up. Michael: What has gotten into you? Jan: Come on. Michael: No, no, no. Jan: What? Michael: Come on, let's go back to the party. Jan: Just let me loosen my dress. Michael: Don't take that dress. Stop it, Jan. Jan: Michael. Michael: No, no, no, means please don't. Please. Jan: Slam me up against the wall, right here. Michael: I'm not going to slam you up against the wall. Jan: Oh, please. Michael: You're acting inappropriate. Jan. Jan: Oh, I'm acting inappropriate? Get out. Toby: Here. [hands Pam a duck stuffed animal] Pam: Hey, where have you been all night? I was looking forward to hanging out with you. Toby: I was... Pam: Hey, don't you have a daughter? Toby: [takes duck back] Yes. Dwight: Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair? Child: I don't know, it was here when I was born. Dwight: I want one. It's got good solid construction. Comfortable. What is this? Oak? Child: I don't know. Dwight: What do you know? David: God, I hate these parties. Do you want to sneak out back and shoot some hoops? Meet me outside in two minutes. Jim: You stay here and have fun, because I'm going to go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace. Karen: Ok. Oh, um, don't mention that you and I are dating cause I think he might still have feelings for me. Jim: Wallace? What the hell, have you dated like every guy here? [Karen smiles and gives herself away] Wow. Ok. You got me. Karen: I so got you. Jim: So, none of them? Karen: Of course not. I mean, you're kind of like, my first. Jim: Really? Karen: Oh my God, it's so easy. Fun. Jim: Ok. Karen: Hey Jan. Jan: Not too good. Rachel: Did you get a chance to try Michael's homemade potato salad? Michael: Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad and I just picked it up at the supermarket. It's funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonnaise. There is something wrong with Jan. David: What's ah, what's with Jan and Michael? Jim: I don't know. Where to begin? My ball. Dwight: The chimney is in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party. Roy: What? Pam: I want us to make it. I want a fresh start. Roy: That's awesome. That's what I want. Pam: Oh ok, but in order for us to make it, there can't be any secrets between us. Roy: I didn't do anything. Ask anyone, I totally could have and I didn't at all. Pam: Just listen. Remember that casino night about a month before we were supposed to get married? I kissed Jim. Roy: What? Pam: He told me how he felt and I guess I had feelings too, and we kissed. Roy: Jim came on to you? Pam: Just listen. Roy: No, I am listening! That's the problem I am listening! Pam: Don't yell! Roy: Don't yell?! Pam: This is over. Roy: Yeah, you're right. This is so over. You kidding me, Pam!? Come on! God! Kenny: Damn jet skis! Michael: Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle... Jan: I feel sick. Michael: You didn't have any of the potato salad did you? Jan: No, we were good when we were just running around, you know, in secret. It was wrong and it was exciting. Maybe it was a mistake to take it public. Michael: Well, if that's the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly. Jan: Please don't cry. Michael: I'm not going to cry. I feel like it but I am not going to. Why don't you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million little pieces. Jan: It was never a love contract, Michael and besides, I have already given a copy to David and it would be just as embarrassing to get it back as I was handing it to him. Michael: I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling. Jan: I didn't mean it. I was... Michael: Whatever. Jan: Tired. I'm tired. And I didn't eat enough. And, and, that's all. That was it. Michael: That's all, you didn't mean it? Jan: That's all. I didn't mean it. That's all. I'm just saying I didn't mean it. Michael: I love you, Jan. Jan: Ok. Dwight: Don't break up you guys, you're great together. Roy: Are they going to call the cops? Kenny: No, I paid them off. Roy: Jet ski money? Kenny: All of it. Roy: I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert. Karen: I think it's great that Jim's invited. It's important to have contact with the New York execs, or they'll think everyone here is like Mi...chael. Roy: [Points to Pam's painting of the building] [laughs] You gotta sign that. Pam: [laughs] Roy: No you gotta put your name in the corner. I've seen that artist do that. Its good too, cause like you can know who paints what, you know. Ryan: Hey, are you going to Poor Richard's? Toby: I don't know, you? Ryan: Maybe. Kelly: I'm going and so are both of you. We're all going. Ryan: Hey, isn't there some rule against inter-office dating? Toby: [whispering] I am not doing your dirty work for you. Kelly: I hear whispering. Jim: Ok, so promise that you'll wait till we leave the parking lot before you go to the bar. Pam: Yes boss. Karen: See ya Pam. Kevin: Oscar, Angela? I didn't think you guys would come. Angela: Why wouldn't we come? Kevin: Because of reasons... Kevin: Are there carbs in vodka? Waiter: Hey folks, what can I get you? Oh, hey Meredith. Meredith: Hey Waiter: Another vodka? Meredith: Yeah. Jack, these are my co-workers. Kevin: Sup? Waiter: [pointing to each correct person] Ryan, Pam, Stanley, Kelly, Kevin, Creed. How'd I do? Stanley: Hmm, come here much? Oscar: These wings are all fat and bone. Angela: This place is disgusting. [They smile at each other] Dwight: Why would the architect design stairs this wide? Was there an obese family in here before you? Rachel: I don't know that. I'm sure the architect passed away many years ago. Dwight: How convenient. Jan: I am attracted to weird, wrong men. I dated a violent karate instructor and then an unemployed fireman. Life has been complicated. I've made some decisions that I'm not proud of; my marriage, being overly litigious with my family. I orgasm fairly easily. Michael was kind of like my dirty secret, you know, having sex with him, oh I was just turned on by my own degradation. Um, why, anyway, I was told by somebody recently that I respect that I'm old enough to have a mature relationship, and that's what this whole evening is about and I have high hopes. Melissa: [at the door] Hi Ryan. Ryan: Hey. Melissa: How are you doing? I've, I've missed you. Ryan: I've missed you too... Melissa: Don't you remember me? Ryan: Um, you ah, you gotta give me a hint. Um, did you meet me at the gym? Melissa: No. Kelly: [still at the table] Who the hell is Ryan talking to? Ryan: [at the door] Are you a client of Dunder Mifflin. Melissa: No. Stanley: [at the table] Oh, not again. Melissa! Melissa: Daddy. Stanley: Wait for my outside. [To Ryan] She is sixteen years old. What is wrong with you? Ryan: Okay, okay. Stanley, let me explain to you what happened. Stanley: No, no, no, no. Ryan: She came right up to me just like she did when you brought her into work. Stanley: No, no, no. You planned this whole thing boy. I'll snatch your spine out your back. Dwight: Space shuttle. Which one? Oh, Atlantis. Good thing it's not the Discovery. You play soccer? Michael: What a weird day. I don't understand it, but you don't get to understand everyday of your life. Maybe five, ten days a year, I'll get home and I will have no idea what the hell just happened. Guess everybody has days like that. Sometimes they're the nicest ones. Still, I think there might be something wrong with Jan.

Karen: So do you want to see it or not? Jim: I don't know. Feel like... Friday night crowds... Karen: Oh my God, you're like, agoraphobic. Jim: Agoraphobic? Karen: Yeah. Jim: Really? Karen: Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game, than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend. Jim: Absolutely correct. Kevin: Later, Jim. Jim: Kev, have a good weekend. Karen: Bye. Ok, so this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna suck it up. Jim: Here we go... Karen: ...and we're gonna go to dinner. Jim: Ok... Karen: And then we're gonna go to the movies. Jim: Sounds good. Roy: Hey Halpert! Jim: Hey... [Roy lunges towards Jim] Pam: ROY! Karen: [shrieks] Pam: Roy don't! [Dwight pepper-sprays Roy] Roy: [screams in pain] Ahh God! Dwight: Pam, please call security! Dwight: Everyday, for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? [Dwight blinks and winces in pain from the pepper spray] Michael: No need for consternation, everything is under control. Jan: Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office! Michael: It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled. Jan: [sigh] Is Toby there? Michael: No... Toby: I'm... here, Jan. Jan: Ok, what... what is the situation Toby? Toby: Well, we fired Roy, obviously. And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company. Jan: Thank God. Toby: Yeah, um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with his... Michael: No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage. Jan: All right, well are you gonna take care of this? Michael: Yeppers. Jan: What did I tell you about 'yeppers?' Michael: I don't... remember. Jan: I told you not to say it. Do you remember that? Michael: Yeesh... Pam: I really don't want to talk about it. I don't mean to be rude, but I just... I don't want to comment on what happened. It Jim: I guess... all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars. Jim: Hey man, I never got a chance to thank you... for stopping Roy. Thank you. Dwight: Thank you not necessary and thus, not accepted. I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded. Jim: Okay. Um... Got you something. Dwight: Don't want it. Jim: You don't know what it is. Dwight: Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens. Jim: It was a little glass display case for his for his bobblehead. That would have made us even, I think. He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even Steven. Dwight: No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning, and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes. Oscar: Angela, Roy's check. He's coming in later to pick it up. Kevin: Man, I cannot believe I missed the fight. Oscar: It was crazy. Angela: You saw it? Describe it please. Oscar: Well, I heard some shouting. And I look over and Roy's by reception and you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody. Jim says something. Roy stomps over there. All of the sudden, BAM. Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there like an action hero. Angela: Oh... Oscar: It was insane! Angela: [flustered] Well... good for Dwight. Michael: Ok I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise, because I want to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you. Jim: Where'd you get that? Michael: Wikipedia. Michael: Wikipedia... is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information. Michael: Ok, Darryl, ask me for a raise. Jim: Hey, Mike. Since Roy left I've been doing a lot more work, and I need a raise. Michael: Hmm, well that's interesting Darryl. I think... [mumbling softly] that maybe you should... [mumbling jibberish] Jim: I can't hear you. Michael: What I'm saying is that, [continues to mumble jibberish] Jim: Still nothin'. Michael: Ok, see what I did? Jim: No. Michael: By leaning back, and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position. Jim: Nice. Michael: Ok, let's try another one. Um... Jim: Okay. Michael: Walking out of the room unexpectedly. Jim: And what happens in this one? Michael: It's a surprise. Jim: Okay. Michael: Go ahead, ask me for a raise. Jim: Can I have a raise? Michael: [gets up and begins to walk out of the room] Jim: [softly] Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher. Michael: What? Jim: What? Michael: No, what did you say? Jim: I didn't say anything. I was waiting to see what happened. Michael: Oh it... sounded interesting... what you were gonna... Dwight: I saw the perpetrator advance toward the victim at a high rate of speed. His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked indicating an attack position. Perp grabbed the victim. I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place. Toby: Which is where? Dwight: Irrelevant. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrator's eyes, nose, and face area. Rendering him utterly and completely disabled. Then I contacted the authorities. The end. Toby: Thanks Dwight. Kelly: That is the bravest thing I have ever heard. Ryan: I can't imagine what I would have done. Kelly: I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like that time we were on the Ferris Wheel and that kid dropped a milk shake on me and you just laughed. Ryan: Well that was funny, that's why. Kelly: Oh it was? Ryan: Mm-hmm. Kelly: Okay, well the next time that you get scared, that you think a murderer's in your apartment in the middle of the night... Ryan: Okay. Kelly: ...and you call me, to calm you down... Ryan: You know what? I didn't- Toby: Can you stop... Kelly: ...you can just call somebody else 'cause I'm not gonna do it anymore, Ryan. I'm not. Toby: There's a bunch of people back here, maybe... Ryan: Well, don't talk to me about calling people in the middle of the night... Toby: Guys... Kelly: I call you in the middle of the night to tell you that I love you! Toby: I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius. Michael: [knock on door] Yeah. Darryl: You ready for me? Michael: Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat. Darryl: Cool. Michael: You know what? Actually, let's go into the conference room. Darryl: Okay. Michael: No, you know what? Let's stay here. No let's go... Yeah let's go to the conference room. Michael: Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws 'em off. Michael: Number 14, declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control. Michael: [long pause] I am declining to speak first. Darryl: Okay, I'll start. It's pretty simple really. I uh, I think I deserve a raise. I'm scheduled to get one in six months, but I'd like that to be moved up to now. Michael: Hmm. Ohh, Darryl. You are a good worker, and a good man. I just, you know, times are tight. And I just don't think corporate is going to go for this right now. Darryl: Are you wearin' lady clothes? Michael: What? Darryl: Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants. Michael: No, this is a power suit. Darryl: That there's a woman's suit. Michael: [Darryl laughs] I do not buy woman's clothes. I would not make that mistake again. Darryl: I'ma call Roy, man. Michael: Ohh... kay. Darryl: This is gonna make him feel better. Michael: All right. Darryl: This is too good. Michael: Alright, you know what? Pam, could you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit? Pam: Oh my God, that's a woman's suit! Kevin: You're wearing a woman's suit? Michael: No, I do, I, I wear men's suits, OK? I got this out of a bin. Michael: There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, and I grabbed one. And it fit! So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual. Kevin: Who makes it? Michael: Uh, [reading the inside of his jacket] MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery. Phyllis: Look, it's got shoulderpads, and did you see that lining? Michael: Okay. Phyllis: Did you see... Michael: Would you stop it, please? Jim: So, none of that tipped you off? Michael: It's European, OK? It's a European cut. Pam: Michael, the pants don't have any pockets. Michael: No, they don't. See? [Michael lifts his jacket tail, sticks out his back side and shows Pam] Pam: [Laughing, covering her mouth] Michael: Italians don't wear pockets. Pam: It's been a really rough couple of days... This helps a little. Karen: Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet? Michael: No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway. Darryl: Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton. Michael: Um, let's just do this in 15 minutes. Darryl: Okay, can you just stand right there? [snaps camera phone picture] I gotta send some e-mails. Michael: Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the driver's seat. And make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes. Kevin: Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass over another woman? Karen: I feel great, Kevin. Thank you. Stanley: You must have been scared out of your mind. Karen: Well, you know it happened so fast I didn't really have time to be scared. Angela: What happened, exactly? I wasn't here, so I haven't really heard the whole story. Karen: Um, well, Jim and I were talking and Roy walked in looking super angry. Angela: Mm-hmm. Karen: And he's a big dude, you know? And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way, and Roy cocked his fist, and then bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt. Angela: [flustered] Goodness. Karen: When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more. Michael: Let's get down to business. Why don't you tell me why you think you deserve a raise. Darryl: Well, it's simple Mike. I mean we merged these two branches right? So now we're shipping twice as many orders as we used to. With Roy gone we got a smaller crew. And I'm pickin' up all of his slack, so I think I should be compensated fairly, by gettin' a raise. Michael: [mumbles jibberish] Darryl: What? I can't hear you. Michael: [mumbling softly] That was a very good point. Darryl: I can't- what, Mike? Are you- Michael: [mumbling softly] You make a very compelling argument. Pam: Sorry I almost got you killed. Jim: Yeah, that was nuts. Pam: He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It's just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right? Jim: No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection. Pam: Not anymore. It's, um... It's completely over now. Jim: We'll see. I'm sure you guys will... find you way back to one another someday. Pam: Jim... I am really... sorry. Jim: Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it. Michael: I am going to give you a piece of paper. I want you to write down how much you want, and I want you to slide it back across the desk to me. Darryl: Why can't I just... tell you? Michael: Because, that is the way these things are done. In... films. [Darryl writes the amount and starts to hand the paper to Michael] No, slide- slide it, yes. Darryl: There you go. Michael: Oh. [scoffs] Come on. Be serious. Darryl: I am serious, Mike. That's a 10% raise. That's what I want. Michael: I... I can't give you that, I- I don't make this much. Darryl: Come on, be for real Mike. Michael: I don't. Want me to prove it to you? There is... a pay stub. Darryl: [laughs] Are you serious? You're earning this? Michael: Plus perks, yes. Darryl: Mike, this is barely more than I make. You been here ten years, dog. [laughs] Michael: Fourteen years. Darryl: Ho-ho! Michael: No, please, please... Darryl: Oh, I'm sorry Mike, some of my folks got to hear about this one. [texting on cell phone] Ah. [laughs] Michael: Ok, let's take 15, again. Michael: A boss's salary isn't just about money, it is about perks. It... for example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that. Jim: Ok, if you don't want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer, or lunch or something. Dwight: When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer? Jim: Boy I- Dwight: No. And why are you so interested in buying me something Jim, what's your angle? Jim: It's like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back, he never sees it coming. But now, I want to be nice to him, and actually give him something, and he's like an eel. I just can't grab onto him. It's infuriating. Karen: Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks. Jim: Well... yes, that's probably what it is. So what do I do? Karen: Hmm... I don't know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip. Kevin: Michael, here's the, uh, $15 I owe you. Michael: Oh, thank you. Kevin: Yeah. I heard you might need it. So... Creed: Here's the $40 you gave me. Michael: I didn't give you $40. Creed: In a way you did. Stanley: Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way overpaid. Darryl: [on cell phone] Fourteen years. Fourteen. I know. [laughing] Ok, alright. I gotta go. Later. [hangs up] Michael: Okay. Okay, here's the straight... dope. No tricks. No Wikipedia. Darryl: What? Michael: I talked to corporate, and they told me that I can only give you a 5% raise. Darryl: That's 'cause of you, Mike. They're not gonna give the workin' man more than the boss. Michael: Well what am I supposed to do? Darryl: Get your own raise. You gotta get out there and earn, son. Michael: I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous. Darryl: Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put Michael: [exhales] That's true. Darryl: Yeah that's true. You gotta call your girl, and get paid. Show her who wears the pants in the relationship. Michael: You know what? I should. Darryl: Yeah, you should. Michael: I have been a loyal employee for a long time. Darryl: Fourteen years long. Michael: You know what? I deserve a bump. Darryl: Make it happen, cap'in. Michael: I am makin' it happen, sergeant. Creed: I remember it was very late at night, like 11, 11:30. Big fella comes in screamin' about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car. [Angela rolls her eyes] Something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter- Angela: You're useless. Jan: Why don't we talk next month, after the quarter ends? Michael: No, Jan. I've never asked for a raise in 14 years. This is long overdue. I wanna do it today. Jan: Today. All right, well, uh, if you want to do it today, we should meet in person, and uh, can you get here by five? Michael: Yshhyah. Um, yeah. I'll leave right away. Jan: Great. Uh, and listen. Because of our, uh, our... you know, situation, we're gonna need to have a third party present. Michael: Yes, I'm bringing Darryl. Jan: Da- Darryl from the warehouse? Michael: Mm-hm. Jan: No, Michael. We, we need an HR rep. So, uh, I think you should just bring Toby. Michael: Hey, I'd rather kill myself. Jan: Michael, he's your branch's HR rep... Michael: [talking over Jan] No, Toby is terrible. Toby is the worst human being I've ever known. Jan: ...and we need someone else, in the room, because of our relationship. You know this. Michael, either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it. Michael: [sighs] Fine. Kelly: You are so mean. Ryan: I don't know what you're talking about. Kelly: Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid. Ryan: No, I said your idea was stupid. Michael: Toby, come on. Let's go. Toby: Where? Michael: Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go. Kelly: What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? Toby: Alright. Kelly: Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor. Ryan: Don't you see why that's insane? Kelly: Oh, so I'm crazy now? Darryl: Comfortable, Mike? Michael: Yeah. Fine. Darryl: How about you, man. Comfortable? Toby: No. Michael: [imitating Chris Tucker] Don't ever touch a black man's radio! ...Chris Tucker. Darryl: Thank you. Michael: Well... Darryl: I haven't been to New York in a long time. Michael: Mm, the Big Apple. Darryl: Maybe I'll stay overnight. Got a cousin lives down there. Toby: How would we get home? Darryl: Oh you could stay too. He's got a big place. Michael: Maybe I'll stay. Darryl: Mm, it's not that big. Michael: Well... Darryl: Busses, though. They get you home quick. Michael: [mouth full of pretzels] Oh, I... Kelly: And all of a sudden, Dwight stood up and was like 'No!' Angela: Then what'd he do? [Kelly's phone rings] Kelly: You should just read the report that Toby did. He took everyone's stories. [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin, customer service, this is Kelly. Oh yeah I could totally help you with that. Ok, let me just get the folder out. Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. Oh, 12 reams... Hunter: Hey guys, Jan is ready for you. Darryl: Okay, bring it home now. And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you. Michael: Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity. Darryl: Yes sir. Remember that. I'll be right outside if you need me Michael: All right. Darryl: Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases. I want him to get the raise, I... just can't help myself. Roy: [to Jim] Hey man, uh... I'm sorry. [Jim motions 'Don't worry about it'] [Roy receives his check from Angela] Thanks. [to Pam] Can I, like, see you after work for coffee, or... something? Pam: I don't know. Roy: Please. I just got some stuff I gotta say to you. [Pam nods, meekly] Kevin: [as Roy is walking out] Jim- Roy- Look out! Jim: Thanks, Kev. I'm good though. Jan: Thank you, Hunter. [to Michael and Toby] Hello. Come in. [exhales] Ah, Okay. Michael: Who's the boy toy? Jan: That's my new assistant. Michael: Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek? Jan: I have to call you the second I get a new assistant? Michael: Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers. Toby: Hi, Jan. Jan: Hi, Toby. [clears throat] First- [Michael clears his throat] First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation. All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside. Are we clear? Michael: Pippity poppity. Jan: Right now we can offer you a 6% raise. Michael: Six percent? After all we've been through? Jan: Oh, God. Michael: I got you... jade earrings. Jan: Michael- Michael: No! Jan: Michael- Michael: No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex. [Toby begins to write] [to Toby] What are you writing, perv-ball? Toby: Just preparing for the deposition. Toby: This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial. Roy: I'm so sorry, Pammy. I really wasn't gonna do anything. But then I... kept thinkin' about you two together, and... I just thought you guys were really good friends, or... or maybe he was gay or somethin'... Not that that's wrong. Pam: I'm sorry too. I just, I think that we both made some bad choices. Roy: So you gonna start datin' Halpert then? Pam: Um... no. No, he has a girlfriend. Roy: Oh yeah... Wait a minute, you... broke off our wedding for the guy. Pam: No, there were a lot of reasons. Roy: But you're not even gonna try to go out with him? [Pam meekly shakes her head] I don't get you Pam. Pam: I know. Dwight: What's this? Jim: What's what? Dwight: Certificate of Bravery, from the Scranton Police Department. 'Recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man. Dwight K. Schrute' Jim: Wow. I guess word got around. That's a nice... honor. Dwight: Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look. There's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap. Jim: [under his breath] Didn't think you'd notice... Michael: Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me, Jan. This is me! Jan: Okay, Michael. Please, why don't we just take a break. This is really going nowhere. Michael: Okay, no, no, no, no. You do not try tactic number eight on me. I invented tactic number eight. I'm not going anywhere. Jan: Ok, Toby, how about if you... Toby: Sure. Jan: Great. Jan: What's wrong with you? Michael: Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then, your assistant, is all young and hot. And I- Jan: Okay, Michael. I can offer you a 12% raise, but you have got to ask for 15. Michael: Well that's ridiculous I'm not gonna make- Jan: No, just... I just need you to ask for it, so I can record that you asked for it. Okay? Michael: Ah, so... All right, Levinson. Here's the rub. I would like a 15% raise. Jan: No. But we can offer you 12. Michael: But you just said 15. Michael: Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something. Higher salaries. Win win win. But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan- Jan: Michael! Stanley: So you and Bob are looking at a historical house? Phyllis: Mm-hmm, near the river. Stanley: Mm, how many bedrooms? Phyllis: Four. Angela: Dwight. Dwight. I've been doing some very interesting reading. Dwight: Really? Angela: Mm-hmm. Tales of bravery. Dwight: Mm, good stuff. Angela: Mm-hmm. I was thinking tonight, we could... read it together. Dwight: Sounds... fun. [they kiss, Jim walks out of the bathroom and sees] Jim: [scoffs] I... will never say a word. And now, we are even. Andy: I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell. On time. Now I'm back. Got a second chance, and I'm not gonna blow it. [in a forceful voice] So look out Dunder Mifflin! [laughs] [snaps] I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you... Andy: Hey guys! Guess who's back! [Dwight pepper-spray's Andy] AHHH! [screams in pain] OH, GOD! Dwight: No need to thank me. Dwight: I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from Michael: Look, I am not a gazillionaire. I can't... I can't dress like Donald Trump dresses. I have to stay within the parameters of my budget. I can't shop at a fancy Norwegian boutique. I buy my suits the old fashioned way. I buy them from discount stores... or on eBay. And when I found out that Ross was having a midnight madness sale, I ran, not walked, as per the instructions on the flier. And I got there, and when the doors opened, all of these women ran to this one bin. And I did too. And I grabbed this suit. And a woman, sort of a, I don't know, Missy Elliot type, grabbed the jacket. And, uh, we had kind of a heated tug of war. And I could tell by the way she was screaming that this must be a get. And I figured she was just buying it for her husband, to answer your question from before. Um, anyway, she s... socked me, in the eye. And she got it, she got the suit. But, I went to the Ross, in Trenton New Jersey, and I found the exact same suit. And I didn't have to deal with Missy Elliot.

Andy: Good morning, Pam. Pam: Oh, welcome back, Andy. Andy: Drew. I'm Drew now. Pam: Oh. Drew. Sorry. Andy: Apology not... accepted. Because it wasn't even necessary in the first place. [laughs] Andy: Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident. [cut to shot of Andy punching a hole in the wall] But after five weeks in Anger Management, I'm back. And I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies. Andy: Mornin' Jim. Jim: Hey, Andy. How are you, man? Andy: Good. Drew. Jim: What's that? Andy: Dr- You can call me Drew. Jim: No, I'm not gonna call you that. Andy: Cool. I can't control what you do. I can only control what Jim: Andy. Andy: Drew. [walks to Dwight] Dwight. How's it goin' man? Dwight: Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday... for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna. Dwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned. Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug. Dwight: Ok, tell him that's not true. Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks. Andy: You guys... Dwight: Ok, no. Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him! Jim: [half-heartedly] Andy! Nah, that's too far. Dwight: Damn you. Michael: Today is Safety Training Day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. Yeauck. But, I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Darryl's presentation to the warehouse. And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity. Darryl: Now, this is the forklift. You need- [Michael rattles it] You need a license to operate this machine. That means the upstairs office workers Michael: Hmm. Darryl: Should you drive the forklift? Michael: I can, and I have. Darryl: No! No no no no no! I said Lonny: You're not allowed to drive the forklift. Darryl: It's not safe, you don't have a license. Michael: Guys, I'm not the only one who's driven the forklift. [points] Pudge has driven the forklift. Madge: Madge. Michael: I thought your name was Pudge? Madge: No, it's always been Madge. Michael: Okay. Um, her. Darryl: Her. Yes, 'her' is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. Okay? Michael: Ah, fine. Darryl: Do you understand that? Michael: Yeeesh. Darryl: We do safety training every year, or after an accident. ... We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled... Michael: [barely keeping his composure] 'Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!' [laughs] Darryl: And I fell and busted my ankle. I'm legitimately scared for my workers. Darryl: The baler can flatten a car engine. It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat. Dwight: Yeah! Andy: It's on! Darryl: How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler? Michael: Bail'er? I hardly know her. Lonny: Dammit, Michael. Pay attention, man. Darryl: Anybody wanna take a guess? Anybody? Kevin: Five bucks says it's over 50. Jim: You really wanna bet? Darryl: Anybody? Kevin: Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored. Guy: How many? Jim: Ok, you're on. Darryl: Ten people, Michael. Ten people. Would you like to be one of them? Kevin: [mouths] Damn... Darryl: [in background] You have to be alert, and calm. And always careful... Jim: No, don't worry about it. We'll just got double or nothin'. Kevin: On what? Jim: I don't know, we'll figure somethin' out. Kevin: Nice. Oscar: What are you guys talkin' about? Darryl: These are very dangerous machines down here, and the upstairs workers, Michael: Yes, yes. But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world... if somebody... Darry: It would be the worst thing in the world! It would! Very much so. Lonny: What the Michael: It's a big red trash compactor! Lonny: What are you- Darryl: It's not a trash compactor! It's a baler! Lonny: Don't disrespect the baler! Michael: Okay, okay! I got it. I got it. ... Only on the rarest of occasions... Darryl: No do not touch it! Michael: ...would I go near- Darryl: There is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay? Michael: Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life. Let me rephrase that. I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Darryl. Here we go! Toby: Ok, um, one thing that you're gonna want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome. It's recommended that you take a ten minute break from typing every hour. For your circulation, you're gonna want to get up out of your chairs and uh, and move around about ten minutes every hour. Michael: Yes, good. Fine. Like stretching and... Toby: Um, yeah. You're computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so uh, it's also recommended that you step away for about... about ten minutes every hour. Michael: Wow, that is... that time really adds up. That's like... a half an hour, every hour? Darryl: Take them at the same time. Michael: Ok, you know what? You're making it sound kind of lame. So, skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not? Toby: No, no. Um, you always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort, in case it gets drafty. Ryan: What about a long sleeve T? Toby: Well, that'll work. Kevin: Long johns? A shaw? Toby: You know, anything that warms you. Michael: Ok, you know what? I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom. [to warehouse guys] Sorry, he is very lame. [takes book from Toby] Um, let's see. 'Seasonal affective disorder! A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.' Darryl: Thank God we only had a baler to deal with. Lonny: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it? Michael: Ok guys, you know what? I didn't- I didn't interrupt when you were having your presentation. Darryl: Actually, you did. Michael: Yes. Okay, let's do another one. This is a good one. 'A particular concern for office workers is a sedimentary life style, which can contribute-' Toby: Sedentary. Michael: Yes. 'Which can contribute to heart disease.' Heart disease kills more people that balers. Lonny: That's called having a fat butt, Michael. Michael: Mmmm, no, no, it's... sedentary... Lonny: Yeah, yeah. That's, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from? Michael: No. Lonny: Fat butt disease, Michael? Kelly: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds. Lonny: Yeah? I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you? Kelly: Ryan? Lonny: Dude, tell your girl to shut up. Kelly: What?! Ryan: Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please apologize. Kelly: Are you kidding me? Darryl: Alright, we outta here. Michael: Darryl, I did not walk out in the middle of yours. So, I- Lonny: Yeah, but ours was real, Michael. Darryl: That's what I've been trying to tell you, Mike. It's serious down there. We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness, Nerf-ball. You live a sweet, little, Nerf-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it. Michael: Okay. ... What, Nerf isn't cool anymore? Michael: Darryl thinks he is such a man because he works in a warehouse. I worked in a warehouse. Men's Warehouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people. Probably make 'em feel like wimps. Not me, I... 'Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Warehouse. We have a special on khaki pants today.' ... This is one example. Kevin: [Pam is holding a jar of jellybeans] Ten. Oscar: Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant. Jim: There's like ten green ones. Oscar: Forty-two. Jim: I'm gonna say fifty. Karen: Fifty-one. Jim: Oh, don't be that person. Kevin: That is lame. Karen: It's a strategy! Pam: It's called being smart. Karen: Thank you. Kevin: Oh, geeze. Pam: I don't know how the whole betting thing started, but it's fun. Pam: Ten... Jim: Kev's out. Kevin: Damn it. Pam: 47, 48, 49! Jim wins! Everyone: Oooh! [Jim claps] Kevin: That is not fair. He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Jim: Okay, okay. Kevin: No, constantly. Like, for Jim: Okay. Michael: Pam, depression is as scary as a baler, right? Pam: I don't understand the question. Michael: Working in an office can lead to depression. Which can lead to suicide. I mean this is really serious stuff. Pam: Yeah... Michael: I- I- Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler, and yet those guys are makin' fun of me, calling me a Nerf, that... Pam: It's really hard to demonstrate depression. Their safety training had visuals. Michael: Yeah... you are... ah, so right. They had visual aids. And all we had were the facts. You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science. Pam: So, you're okay? Michael: Indubitably. Michael: They use props. They use visual aids, and they just made us look like dopes. Dwight: Idiots! God, what are we gonna do!? Michael: I don't know, I don't know. Because you know what our killer is? Depression- Dwight: Wolves. Michael: Nn- Depression. Dwight: Visual aids. Michael: Yes. Dwight: A quilt. Depression quilt? Micheal: No time to sew a quilt. ... I got it. Give me the number for the Giant Big Box Toy Store. Michael: You may be asking yourself, 'What am I doing on a trampoline?' Well, I thought I'd bounce here for a while, relieve some stress, and then move on with my day. Not! Here's the plan. Dwight, is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys, we're going to have another safety seminar. Only this time, where's Michael? Oh my God! He is on the roof! Now I have got their attention. I... tell them, about the cold hard facts of depression. And then I say, 'Hey! You ever seen a suicide?' And I jump. And they freak out. And they get to see... the dangers of depression with their own eyes. Nice side note: They might think 'Hey, I should have been nicer to Michael.' But that's... not why I'm doing this... Then, I land on the trampoline, take a couple extra bounces for fun. I climb off, walk around the corner... Ta-freakin'-da! [Dwight nods] Kelly: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, [Ryan checks his watch]number three becomes number two, etc, etc. And let's just say that I just sent back Ryan: I guess I forgot. [kisses Kelly, gathers up all the money] Kelly: You're such a ditz. Kevin: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said 'awesome' 12 times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies. Dwight: [on the roof] Okay, let's do this thing! I'll go summon the troops! Michael: Maybe we should test it first. Letterman-style. Throw a TV over, or... Dwight: We measured it once... Michael: Go buy some watermelons. Dwight: Seedless? Michael: Just... Toby: [Creed takes a bite of an apple] Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato. Pam: Hey Creed. Creed: Hey! Pam: Hey. Creed: Hello. [Jim replaces Creed's apple with a potato][Creed takes a bite of the potato] Pam: Yes! Kevin: Here you go. [hands money] Toby: Nice. Karen: I don't know this place as well as I thought I did. I'm getting cleaned out. Dwight: Ready? Michael: Let's do it! Drop that sucker. Dwight: [drops watermelon, watermelon bounces off trampoline, onto a car, bursts, car alarm sounds] Michael: BINGO! WHOA WHOA WHOA! Oh... crap. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess. Dwight: Okay. Michael: Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes. Dwight: Got it. Michael: Also, take apart the trampoline, stick it in the baler. Dwight: We're not allowed to use the baler. Michael: Have Pa-adge do it, or... the sea monster. Dwight: I'm on it! Dwight: I'm temporarily lifting the shun. Andy: Thank you. Dwight: It means nothing. I need you to do something for me. Andy: Anything. Dwight: Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house, and/or castle. Andy: You mean a moon bounce. Dwight: What do you think? You've got an hour. Andy: I'm gonna need... I'm gonna need petty cash. Dwight: Shunning resumed. Andy: Do you, do you want a drawbridge? Dwight: Un-shun. Yeah that sounds good. Re-shun. Dwight: Oh yeah, this is much better. Safer. Excellent decision. Michael: Yes, thank you for seeing that. Dwight: When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults. Michael: I don't know if I wanna do this. Dwight: Do you wanna do another test? I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk! Michael: No. No more. The tests are going terrible. If we keep doing it, we're not gonna want to jump. This is about doing, not thinking. Dwight: That's right! Doing! Totally doing! It's rock n' roll! Michael: Rock n' roll! Dwight: Yeah! Michael: That's right! I am not thinking. Dwight: [imitating the sound and playing an air guitar] Near near near near near! Michael: Yes! Yeah! Dwight: [singing] Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof! Michael: Woo! Dwight: [singing] Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss! Michael: Woo! Dwight: [singing] Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun! Michael: I am ready to do this! I am ready to make a point! [Dwight continues air guitar] Dwight: [out of breath] Guys! Listen up! Michael is up on the roof, and acting strange! Andy: Whoa! What's the situation? Dwight: [hesitates] Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun. Andy: Ok, when's the shunning thing gonna end? Dwight: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die! Stanley: Is it nice outside? Dwight: It's gorgeous. Let's go! Stanley: Do I need my jacket? Dwight: No really, it's, it's very nice. Come on! Ryan: Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T? Dwight: Everybody's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing, let's go! Let's go! Dwight: [outside] Come on, hurry up you guys! Michael: [on the roof] My life! Oh, my life... Dwight: [on megaphone] Michael, what's wrong?! Michael: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression. Dwight: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out? Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study! Dwight: Is that the last year the data was available? Michael: Yes! My head is in such pain! And turmoil! Dwight: Don't do anything rash! Michael: Wait, where are the warehouse guys? Dwight: I didn't... [Dwight runs up to the side of the building] I didn't think you needed them for this part. Michael: Okay... that's... Dwight: you said to just... Michael: That's the whole point, dummy. Dwight: Okay, I'm on it! Michael: Okay. Dwight: Attention blue collar workers! Pam: What are the odds that this is in any way real? Jim: I'd say like... 10,000 to 1? Kevin: Okay, I'd like ten bucks on those odds. Kevin: If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a Dwight: Michael's up on the roof and he's acting strange! Michael: Oooooh, my life! Dwight: Michael! What's wrong? Michael: Everything is wrong, Dwight. The stress of my modern office, has made me depressed. Dwight: Depressed? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out? Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Jim: Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride, in the second show. Um, might even bring my parents tomorrow, to the matinee. Michael: And that is why, I am going to jump off this roof! Jim: Oh, excuse me. It's my... favorite part. Angela: This is just offensive. Ryan: At least we're outside. Creed: [zipping up his pants] Hey, check it out, there's a... there's a castle over there. Jim: Oh my God, there Dwight: No, there's nothing to see over there, people! There's nothing to see. ...They found the castle, Michael. Michael: Damn it. Pam: Oh... God. Oh my God, he's gonna jump. Jim: Oh. He's going to kill himself, pretending to kill himself. Pam: Yeah... Jim: Hey uh, Michael. Don't jump on the bouncy castle. You can't do that, because you're going to get horribly, horribly injured. Pam: Hey Michael! I have a present for you, but you have to come down and get it. Michael: What is it? Pam: Come down and... open it and you'll see. Michael: Dwight, find out what the present is. Dwight: Okay, uh... I don't see anything. She might be bluffing. Jim: Dwight... Pam: Dwight, what are you- Dwight: Oh... It's uh, a Repliee Q1 Expo female robot, they're only available in Japan. Michael: Dwight, you are such a liar. Pam, really, what is it? Darryl: Mike, this is the opposite of safety. You jump, you're gonna serious hurt yourself. Michael: You told me, that I lead a... cushy, wimpy, Nerf life. Darryl: Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for. Michael: What do I have to live for? Darryl: A lot... of things. Uh, you, uh... What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man. It's goin' good, right? Michael: It's complicated with Jan. And I don't know where I stand, or what I want. The sex isn't nearly as good as it used to be. Darryl: Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to Michael: Do you really mean that? Darryl: I couldn't do it. I- I ain't that strong. And I ain't that brave. Michael: I'm braver than you? Darryl: Way Michael: I Braveheart. I am. Darryl: Come down, okay? Michael: Okay. Pam, I'm coming down to get my present. Michael: An office... is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes. Andy: When people think of Andy, they think of hate and anger. When people think of Drew, they think of baked goods. Kelly: Oh my God, these cookies have no flavor. How is that possible? Kevin: They are the worst. Who's this Drew chick? Phyllis: Drew isn't a girl... She's Andy. Andy: Oh no, nobody likes my cookies. I'm so angry, argh I want to hit something. [laughs] Totally kidin' guys. Andy: Little device I learned to diffuse tension, be the first to make fun of yourself, because if they make fun of you before you do... Then you might lose your mind. Kevin: [pours the last of the coffee into his mug] Andy: Ahhh... Is that the last of it? Kevin: I'm sorry. Andy: It's OK. I can't always have what I want, but I can always want what I have. Kevin: Well, would you like a cup of no coffee? 'Cause that's what we have. Andy: Is it fresh? [winks] Kevin: Are you going to beat me up? Andy: Umm... [draws back arm] No. [laughs] Andy: People don't need to be afraid of me. I can't achieve anger any more, and I have a new car. Toyota Prius, because Andy didn't care about fuel efficiency, but Drew has seen 'An Inconvenient Truth'. Nearly twice. Angela: [walks around Andy's new car keying it] Michael: OK, come on everybody, go time. Pam let's go. Pam: I thought I'd stay and answer the phones. Michael: Don't worry Pam, you will be answering phones for the rest of your life... Your long lovely life. [whispers to camera] saved it. Michael: Here we go. Dwight: Come on. Michael: Field Trip. Dwight: Step lively. Single file everybody. Michael: Like we're going to the science museum. Dwight: Let's single... Michael: Learn by touching. Dwight: Single... OK. Michael: I've been told that I'm a tactile learner. Dwight: Buddy system, everyone buddy up, find a buddy. Kelly: You should work out Ryan, you would look so hot. Ryan: Totally, we should both work out. Kelly: Screw you. Michael: Kelly, Ryan looks great. You should be thankful that you... Larry: Sir, could you please, please focus on Darryl? Michael: I... Larry: Try. Darryl: Summing up. Michael: Sum it up Darryl, sum it up. Michael: We got beat today, Dwight. Dwight: [sighs] Michael: But it was not a fair fight. Dwight: No it was not. Remind me again, what was the fight exactly, who was it between, and what was the outcome? Michael: It was the warehouse guys... Dwight: Right. Michael: ... Dwight, they embarrassed us... Dwight: Argh! Michael: ... because they had a much scarier safety presentation. Dwight: Ghaaa! Michael: You know what's funny? Robin Williams. [sighs] When a cat gets stuck in a washing machine. City Slickers. Talking like Borat. You know what's not funny? Safety, or making fun of the person trying to talk about safety. [in Borat voice] Not nice. I must show people how dangerous office can be. High five... Now that's funny. Michael: How do you make depression sexy? How do you... How do you get people interested in depression? That is the conon... the conun... the conumbery Michael: Those warehouse guys, think that we are all flabby, middle management, nerf balls. Well I'm going to show them that we have nerfs of steel. [winks] Andy: [Michael, Andy, and Dwight are standing around a trampoline] You know guys, I recently learned some pretty cool stuff about the difference between feeling something and... acting on that thing. Dwight: Can you tell Andy to focus on the springs? Please. Michael: Yeah, Drew. Andy: Yes bosses. Michael: You know Drew, why don't you go inside. Dwight come here. Where should we put this? Dwight: OK, ahh, turn around, and do a broad jump for me on go. Ready... Go! One Mississ... OK, you went that far on one Mississ. Ippi would take you to here. This trajectory times the propulsion from your quadriceps would be about three Mississippi, maybe three and a quarter. So one Mississ... correct... ippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi... e. Right here. Michael: OK, good. Thank you. Wanna take our time, do this right. Phyllis: [phone rings] Hello? Hi Bob Vance. [laughs] Karen: That's three times in ten minutes. Stanley: Where's my five dollars? Phyllis: You are my little teddy bear. I wantcha. Stanley: I always knew my co-workers were annoying. I never realized I could profit from it. Go ahead Bob Vance, call Phyllis, all day. Andy: [Michael is up on the roof of the building] Michael, go ahead, we're listening. Michael: I'm going to wait. I don't want to say this twice, it's too painful and I'm too depressed. Creed: [talking through bullhorn] Michael, you can not fly, you can not, I've seen this too many times. Kelly: Give me that thing, I want to try. Jim: Oh, you know what we should probably preserve the batteries. Kelly: I was just going to say that [yells toward Michael] you have a cute butt. Oh my God I did not just say that, did I just say that? Oh my God I'm so adorable. Angela: I know the timings bad, but I hate to be a nudge, but there's stuff that he has to sign that needs to be mailed by four. Dwight: OK, if he's not down by four, I'll get the papers up to him. Angela: OK, it's three forty eight. Jim: OK, Ryan you know what? You can do this. Ryan: Oh, no, I have no training in this sort of thing. Jim: Come on. Stanley: Don't play dumb, you know damn well what we talking about. Jim: Come on. He'll listen to you. Everyone: Come on Ryan. Angela: Let's do it. Dwight: Come on pretty boy. Ryan: Michael, you have always taken a great interest in my career. Michael: I will miss you the most Ryan. Ryan: Oh, what is your deal man!? Seriously I don't get it. Andy: Let me borrow that chief. Michael, you don't have to prove anything to anyone but yourself. So don't jump just to prove anything to us. OK? That said, if you need to prove something to yourself, you should jump. Jim: Oh! Andy: Up to you. Jim: No no no! Andy: If you do jump, I want you to reach for the sky. Pam: Hey! Jim: OK. careful, thanks. [takes bullhorn from Andy] Andy: Grab a comet and kiss the moon! Kiss it! Kevin: See this is why you always take ten thousand to one. You never know. Darryl: You own a convertible. Come on man that's, that's hot. Women love that stuff right? Dwight: It's only leased, and it's got rust damage, he'll never get his deposit back. Michael: Coal miners, crab fishermen, Dog the bounty hunter, all dangerous jobs. But also upper middle management. [takes deep breath] Wow! I could have fallen off a roof today... And you don't worry about falling off a roof when you work on a crab boat... And there are no roofs in coal mines. Andy: [in parking lot] Goodnight Stanley. [sees his car is keyed, just nods his head]

Jim: [Dressed as Dwight] It's kind of blurry. [puts on his glasses] That's better. [exhales] Question. What kind of bear is best? Dwight: That's a ridiculous question. Jim: False. Black bear. Dwight: Well that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought- Jim: Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica. Dwight: Bears do not- What is going on- What are you doing?! Jim: Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that's a grand total of... [Jim calculates the total on his calculator-watch] eleven dollars. Dwight: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. [Jim places a bobble-head on his desk] Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year! Jim: ... MICHAEL! Dwight: Oh, that's funny. MICHAEL! Pam: [on phone] Yes, I understand. Can I transfer you to customer relations? Jim: [on phone] Absolutely. I couldn't be more sorry about this. Phyllis: [on phone] I know, I know. We're all trying to get to the bottom of this. Stanley: [on phone] I am upset. Don't I sound upset? Michael: [on phone] It is disgusting. I totally agree. Well, we're going to recalling all of that paper. Michael: We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24 pound cream butter stock. Five hundred boxes has gone out, with the image of a beloved cartoon duck, performing... unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I've never been a fan. Michael: Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime. Dwight: Cri-Man-Squa? Michael: Crisis Management Squad. Ryan: F and C, doubletime? Michael: Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions? Jim: One more. Why are you talking like that? Michael: To save time, Jim. Karen: Actually I think you could make the argument that it wastes time. Pam: Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it, it actually took up more time. Michael: You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh! Forget it. Where is Creed? Creed: Here. Michael: Creed. Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on one, Creed. Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy. Creed: Every week I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens. Michael: We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at threat level midnight. Accounting, you are on customer service duty today. Oscar: That's really not our job. Michael: Midnight, Oscar! Angela: Kelly's training us? Kelly: This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This Angela: [getting a pill from the bottle] I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing. Michael: Jim, big fire in your house. Your client, Dunmore High-school, sent out their prom invitations on this paper. Went home to all the kids. Jim: Yeah, I gotta call out on that. Michael: No, no, no, no. Not good enough. This is a keystone account. I want you in the school. In person. Jim: All right. Michael: I want you to bring a partner. Ryan: I'll go. Michael: No, sweet cheeks. We need someone who's actually made a sale. Andy, you go. Andy: [English accent] William Dolittle at your service. A.K.A., Will Do. Jim: Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go alone. Michael: No, no. I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME! Guys, get on this. Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference. Dwight: Yes! You are entering the 'No Spin Zone!' Pam: We're having a press conference? Michael: No, Pam. The press is just gonna find out by themselves. Dwight: Not! [scoffs] Michael: Here's the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That's what happened to O.J. Michael: I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients, to come in here, and meet with me, for a personal apology. The press wants a story, I will give them a story. Jim: Oh, did the press ask for a story? Michael: Here Creed: Yes, hello. Creed Bratton, Quality Assurance, Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn't there. And I'm trying to remember who it was. Mm-hmm. Who wasn't there last week? Debbie Brown. And which day was that? Wednesday, the eleventh. Perfect. Creed: The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man. Kelly: Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you're not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers! So give yourselves a round of applause. [Kelly and Kevin clap] Oscar: I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer calls. Kelly: I know, right? Probably a lot. Angela: Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go? Kelly: OK, Angela. I love your enthusiasm. All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say 'Customer Service, this is Kelly!' Except don't say 'Kelly,' say your own name. Or if you're bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, [in an English accent] and I talked like this for the whole conversation! Kevin: Oh! Can I be [horrible Australian accent] Australian, mate? Kelly: [in accent] Absolutely! Kevin: [in accent] 'ello, mate! Kelly: [in accent] I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend. Kevin: [in accent] I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies. Andy: Beer me! Jim: What's that? Andy: Hand me that water. I always say 'Beer me.' Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time. So how's what's-her-name? Jim: You know her name. Andy: Who, Karen? Yeah, she's only one of my oldest friends. [takes swig of water] Mmm. How's the apartment hangin'? Jim: It's fine. Andy: Nice. Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet. Jim: What about music? Do you have any music? Andy: Uh, yeah. Should have said so. [sings] Rha-dah-dah-dah! Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul. I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away-he-hay. Ruu-da-doo-da-doo, ba-dit-da-doo-da-dun, Give me the beat, boys, and free my little-ole-soul, I wa- Jim: I was thinkin' about more like a CD, or... a CD. Andy: Your call, dude. My girlfriend made an awesome mix. Beer me that disc. Jim: Lord, beer me strength. Andy: So, Tuna. When we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay? Jim: Did that Andy: Well not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes it's just about the music of the conversation. Andy: Whoa! What the- Why is my girlfriend here? Jim: Oh, is she that teacher in the white? Andy: No, she's a part-time frozen yogurt chef. Jim: Which one... is she? Andy: The one in the green hoodie. Jim: Wow. Andy: I wonder if she's, like, a... a guidance counselor, or something? Jim: No, I don't think so. Andy: She's like, probably a tutor. Jim: Nope. Andy: She probably a t- Jim: No. Andy: Sh- Jim: No. Michael: OK, press conference in 45. Dwight, make sure this place looks nice. Dwight: On it. OK, Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage. Pam, run a comb through your hair. Dwight: First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, 'Wow, I need this beet right now.' Those are the money beets. Dwight: [Chad Lite walks in the door] [to Office workers] Hey! [snaps twice] Look sharp! [to Chad Lite] Hey! Uh, Hi. Hello, Dwight Schrute. Chad Lite: Hi, uh- Dwight: And you must be uh, from the Washington Post. Chad Lite: Scranton Times. Chad Lite, 'Lighter Side of Life.' Dwight: And 'Breaking Corporate News.' Chad Lite: And obits. Dwight: Oh, dear God. OK, here are your credentials. You've been granted level three security clearance. Chad Lite: Oh... Dwight: Don't get too excited, that's out of 20. Right this way. Regional Manager Michael Scott will be addressing the client in the press room shortly. Have a seat, can I get you a beverage? Chad Lite: Uh, yeah, I'd like uh, uh- Dwight: [shuts door on him] Great. Jim: Oh, Andy. You know what? We don't have a Andy: Jamie! Jim: Andy- Ohh... Andy: What are you doing here? Jamie: Andy? Andy: Are you a student here? Jamie: Oh... yeah... Andy: You never told me you were in high-school! Jamie: This is weird. I... gotta go to Spanish. Andy: OH MY GOD! Jim: Oh my God. Andy: I had no idea. Jim: Well... that's not gonna hold up in court. Andy: Huh... We didn't do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends. Kevin: [on phone] Sir, yes, you have a valid point. I'm sorry. No, I am Oscar: [on phone] Really, Dixon City? ...Carbondale. Angela: [on phone] Excuse me? Well, I don't see how that's our fault. And I've already told you, the official position of Dunder Mifflin is apologetic, so I don't know what you want from me. [hangs up] Kelly: OK, first, I just wanna say that you are doing Creed: When I went over Wednesday, for the spot-check, I got a call from Debbie Brown, saying she has an emergency dentist appointment. Dwight: Emergency dentist appointment. Creed: Now I'm told she told her manager she had the flu. I'm a trusting guy, but uh, I just wish Debbie Brown had been there. We would have caught this. Pam: Yes, I'll be sure someone returns your call. I'm so sorry. Bye. Barbara: Hello, I'm looking for Michael Scott. Michael: Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really. Michael: And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us, I would like to say that Dunder Mifflin truly regrets this unfortunate incident. And, as a gesture of gratitude, for your continued loyalty, Mrs. Allen, I would like to present you with this novelty check, for six months of free paper or 25 reams, whichever comes first. Dwight: [snaps picture with his camera phone] You look good in this. Michael: So, let us consider this matter ended. Barbara: Well it isn't ended. I'm... I'm very angry. I- I could have lost business. Michael: I know, I know you're angry. And we are truly, truly sorry. Barbara: I don't accept your apology. The watermark was obscene and horrifying. Michael: Well, we are extremely sorry. Barbara: I don't accept. School Official: I'll be with you in a moment. Jim: All right. Andy: Who was that guy she was talking to? At her locker. Jim: Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony. Andy: But who Jim: Probably School Official: The issue with the watermark is very serious. Jim: Absolutely. School Official: We teach our students that character counts. Jim: And you should. School Official: But- Andy: [scoffs] Pfft. You don't teach it well enough. One of your students is a Jim: Andy... is having a Andy: I want to take out an ad, in your yearbook. A full page, two words- Jim: Good luck.' Andy: That's not what I had in mind. Kelly: Ask where he's from. Angela: [on phone] Where are you from? Ohio? That's nice. So what do you want? [to Kelly] He's upset about the watermark. Kelly: OK, great. Now tell him that it was an unfortunate error, and we're doing everything we can do to fix it, and that you're sorry. Angela: [on phone] It was an unfortunate error. Kelly: And you're sorry. Angela: ...and the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not. [hangs up] [to Kelly] I think he had Tourette's or something! Michael: We... are going to do everything humanly possible, to ensure that this never happens again. Barbara: Well, it- it doesn't help, because it already happened to me. Michael: The watermark... it's a one time thing. Barbara: I don't care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex? Dwight: May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling. Michael: OK... Dwight: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right. Michael: What... can I do, for you? Barbara: I, for starters, I think that you should resign. Michael: Well... [exhales] OK, well... Um, wasn't really my fault. The guys at the papermill- Barbara: You're the head- Michael: The guys at the papermill- No no no! Barbara: You're the head of the company! Michael: I'm Barbara: Yes, and that makes it your responsibility- Michael: No, I'm a regional manager- Barbara: And so you should lose your job! Michael: No- my- OK, this is insane. You can get out of here. Get out! Barbara: Fine. Michael: That's insane. We'll give this to somebody who will appreciate it. Barbara: Mm-hmm. Dwight: It's non-transferable... Michael: Doesn't matter. Out please! Barbara: I'm calling the Better Business Bureau. Michael: Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline! [to Chad Lite] Did you get all that? Chad Lite: Everything. Michael: We gotta do something. [exhales] This is spinning out of control, Pam. This is just, not... Pam: It's just the Scranton Times... Michael: No, then Newsweek picks it up. And then CNN does a story about it. Then... YouTube gets a hold of it... Pam: You know what? I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over in like a week or two. Michael: You're right. It will blow over. But it's not... going to take... a week or two. [pulls out a video camcorder from his desk] Do you know what this is for? Pam: Yes. Pam: Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. He says he needs a woman's touch. Michael: [Dwight is spraying far too much hairspray into Michael's hair] OK, I think that's good. Michael: Hello. I am Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner. Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team, to remove me from this office, and maybe not even that.' Dwight: Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team. Michael: That's how devoted I am to this job. Dwight: I'm just saying... Michael: I know. Dwight: They would flank you. Throw in a concussion grenade. Michael: I understand that, Dwight. Dwight: You would be on the ground, blind, deaf, dumb. Michael: Do you think you're taking it a little... literally, Dwight? And now we're wasting tape. I'm gonna have to cut this all out. Can you say cut? Dwight: Cut. Michael: So I'll know where- Pam: Cut. Michael: I'm asking Pam to do it, please. Pam: Cut. Michael: OK, ready? Angela: Kevin, what's four plus seven? Kevin: [thinks] Eleven. Angela: Yeah, well you didn't know that when you filled out this payroll form. Kevin: Yeah, well at least I didn't suck at customer relations. Oooh, yes. Facial. Oscar: [laughs] Yes. [air high five] Angela: You two are apes. Oscar: I expect you to apologize for that, Angela. Angela: I'm sorry... that you're both morons. Kevin: Oh, but you still said 'I'm sorry.' Angela: I called you morons. Kevin: Still said it. Oscar: Still said it, so... [Kevin and Oscar screw up an air high five] Michael: Five, four, three. 'There is no way, I will resign. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me. They're trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day.' Pam: One day for what? Michael: That's... they always give an ultimatum. Pam: OK. Michael: Good, cut? Pam: Cut. That was your best apology video ever. Michael: Thought so too. Creed: [to Dwight] Got a farewell card for Debbie Brown. I thought maybe you'd like to sign it. Maybe throw a couple of bucks in there for her. She's got some children. Creed: I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight. So I thought I'd pass around a goodbye card, maybe everyone could put in a couple of bucks to help her through these difficult times. Why do bad things always happen to the good people? It's tragic. Just tragic. Jim: You want music? Andy: I don't care. Jim: Come on man, just give it a couple days. I think you'll be all right. Andy: Yeah. Jim: [singing the intro to The Lion King's 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight'] A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh... Andy: You know what- I don't- Jim: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh... Andy: [Joins in with classic Andy falsetto] Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube! Jim: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh... Andy: Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube! Jim: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh... Andy: Sweet. Dwight: [walks in dressed as Jim] Pam. Pam: Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today. Dwight: [scoffs] Pssssh. I look like an idiot. Hey Karen. Karen: Hey, Dwight, lookin' sharp. Dwight: Yeah, that's cause I'm... you're boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend? Jim: Do you? Karen: No. Jim: OK. Karen: I'm good. Thanks. Jim: [Dwight imitates the 'Jim face'] Look at that. Dwight: I'm Jim Halpert. [more horrible 'Jim faces'] Jim: Spot on. Dwight: Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh. Kelly: Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. And rest assured your voice has been heard. Okay, I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. And rest assured your voice has been heard. Okay, I'll be thinking about you all day. Ryan: Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day. Michael: The key to a crisis is dealing with it right away. Like that aspirin company that sent out the poisoned aspirin in the regular aspirin bottles. If you don't act fast, you will lose customers. Dwight: Hello, CNN? I need to speak to your Scranton-area bureau chief? All right, then the bureau chief for the Greater Wilkes-Barre area? How about, ah, Lackawanna County. Okay, Northeastern Pennsylvania then. This is extremely urgent! No... you put Kelly: Customer service isn't like accounting. It's not just typing numbers into a calculator and then it tells you an answer. Oscar: We do a lot more than that. Kelly: Okay, or hand out checks, or whatever it is you do. Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you think that people don't like you. But guess what, from now on you guys are not losers! So give yourselves a round of applause. Oscar: I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer phone calls. Kelly: The annex rocks. All you need to do is make sure that you make a connection with the customer. They just wanna know that you're sorry. Do that and you'll be fine. Make sense? Angela: Mm-hm. Kelly: Okay, role-playing time! Angela: Alright, I think I'm trained. Kevin: Ooh, can I be a pirate? Creed: [hums] Chad Lite: Hello. Creed: Hey! Chad Lite: Excuse me. You're Creed Bratton, guitar player for Grass Roots in the late 1960s. Creed: I am indeed. How'd you know that? Chad Lite: I wrote your obituary. Creed: Oh, oh that's right! Good work. Thank you very much, sir [shakes hand]. Creed: About 10 years ago, for tax reasons, I faked my own death. I've been collecting benefits as my own widow ever since. Andy: Oh, my God! Jim: Oh, my God! Wow. Andy: I had no idea. Jim: Then you did nothing wrong. We should go. Andy: How could I not have realized? Jim: She looks older. Andy: Yeah, she does, doesn't she? Jim: No. Andy: She acts older, too. She knows everything about European history, and photosynthesis, and she made me this lanyard with, like, a Fimo clay thing. She's a real Renaissance woman. Jim: Or a high school girl. Let's go [mouths 'wow' to the camera]. Andy: Chicken pot pie. Jim: What's that? Andy: That's what I was eating, in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven for dinner. And I got out of the car to shake the crumbs off my shirt, and this smoking hot woman comes up and we strike up a conversation. Jim: Oh. You don't have to tell me this. Andy: She lets me buy her and her friends some wine coolers for a dinner party she's going to. Jim: You shouldn't be talking about that. Andy: I threw in some scratch tickets, 'cause generous guy, and next thing you know we're making out in the woods. Jim: Hypothetically. Hypothetically you were making out in the woods. Andy: No, we were really making out in the woods. Jim: No, can't help you now. Andy: I gotta go talk to her. Jim: No. D- Michael: With dissatisfied clients, it doesn't matter what you did. All they wanna hear is that you're sorry. They're like women that way. And this client is a woman. So when I say I'm sorry, it will be twice as effective. Michael: So we're good? Barbara Allen: No, we're not. Michael: I'm sorry. Barbara Allen: Well, okay. But I don't accept. Dwight: [whispering] Say you're sorry times infinity... Michael: Okay. Dwight: ...'cause there's no comeback for that. Michael: All right. We are infinitely sorry. Barbara Allen: I'm still furious. Michael: You understand? You... you get this check. Barbara Allen: Mmm. Spanish Teacher: Can I help you? Andy: Yeah. I'm Mr. Bernard Johnson, MD. I'd like to talk with Jamie about a certain heart condition. Diagnosis: broken. Jamie: Get out of here, Andy. Andy: Who's this guy? Jamie: My boyfriend. Andy: You're such a liar. Spanish Teacher: Sir? You need to get out of here, before I call the police, okay? Andy: Yeah, maybe you should call the police. See whose side they take. Warning, most cops are dudes. Jim: Dr. Johnson, we need you in surgery right away. Spanish Teacher: What? Dwight: I don't believe in apologies. When someone in the yakuza makes a mistake, they cut off a portion of their own pinky finger. And in that way, save face. And knowing the Japanese, they probably get an even better prosthetic finger. With a knife you can take out of it, or a screwdriver or a corkscrew. Angela: Why am I getting all of the bad ones? Kelly: Why can't you just say you're sorry and make them feel better? Angela: I'm not gonna lie and say I'm sorry when the company didn't do anything wrong. That's immoral, and this is ridiculous. Oscar: Would you, please? Please. Kelly: Well, you have to do what I say, okay? Because Michael put me in charge, even though you're old enough to be my mother. Angela: What? Well what you say is stupid, and your job is pointless. And you're a slut and everyone thinks so. Kelly: Well, you're fired, okay? Go back to accounting, Angela. Angela: Gladly. I quit. Kevin: If cartoon characters didn't have sex, then how would we get new cartoon characters? From the sex! [giggles] Michael: The customer is always right. Mrs. Allen was our customer. She was wrong. Is that a contradiction? No. Because she's not our customer anymore. Pam: Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. My favorite is the one for his mother. Michael: Hey, Mom. Happy birthday, belatedly. Sorry I forgot. I had put it on my calendar and Pam threw that out. Pam: My personal favorite is the one he made for his condo association. Michael: And without denying the seriousness of the situation, I would just like to remind you that in much of the Netherlands, swimming naked is the norm. So in Norway, you'd be the weirdos. Jim: Okay, Andy, we need to go. Seriously. Andy: Dude, there she is. Don't look, don't look. She's sitting with Denise. How am I supposed to do this? Denise hates me. Jim: Don't do it. Andy: What is your problem, man? Can't you support a bro? That's why you don't have any friends, Tuna. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just, I need... Jim: That's okay. Andy: ...your help. I love her. Jim: What? Andy: Yeah. I lo- I love her. Is this what love is? This, like, horrible feeling in my stomach? Jim: No, that's your conscience. Listen to it. Andy: Look, okay, just be my wingman. Beer me five minutes. Talk to Denise. She's really into White Russians and whippets. Andy: Jamie, can I talk to you for a second? Jamie: Yeah. I only have a minute. Jim: [sits down next to Denise] So, high school. Denise: Do you have a cigarette? Jim: Oh, I don't smoke. Sorry. Denise: There's nothing to do in this town. Jim: You should take up a musical instrument. Denise: Yeah, I should take up that. Jamie? Jim: Hey, uh, does Mr. Nortman still teach here? He's a jerk, right? Denise: He's dead. Hey, do you have any weed? Jim: No, nope. What else? What else? You watch The Hills? What is Heidi thinking? Denise: How old are you? Jim: How old do you think I am? Denise: Forty? Jim: [shakes head] Denise: Are you someone's dad here? Jim: Not that I know of. Denise: Ew. What kind of car do you have? Jim: I drive a Saab station wagon. Denise: My dad just gave me his old Lexus. Jim: Really? Way to earn it. Hey, Andy? Andy: What? Jim: Yup. Dwight: Very well [hangs up phone]. I just got a call from Debbie Brown over at the mill. She claims innocence and is willing to come over here and defend herself. Creed: No time. Dwight, I love Debbie Brown. She's a close personal friend. But quality is my life. This company has a reputation to uphold. As much as it pains me, someone has to be held accountable. Dwight: You're right. Mercy is for girl-babies. Time to put this dog down. Michael: Are we ready? Dwight: Final touch-ups. Michael: Okay. Am I shiny? Dwight: Yeah. Michael: Okay. We good? Okay, that's enough Aqua Net. Dwight: I don't know... Michael: [clears throat] Stop it. Dwight: [coughs] Kelly: Hey, Angela. I'm sorry that I said you were old enough to be my mother. I don't know why I said that. I think I might be hypoglycemic or something, but still, it's no excuse. So, I'm very sorry. Angela: Oh. Thank you, Kelly [long pause]. And I wish I hadn't called you stupid. Kelly: Do you think I'm a slut? Angela: No, but some of your outfits are not appr- Kelly: Apology accepted! [hugs Angela] Angela: I didn't apologize. Kelly: We're like best friends now! Angela: We're not. Kelly: I'll text you! Angela: Don't! Kelly: Bye, Angela! Angela: Fine. Kelly: That is all I was looking for today. She got something out of my training session. I mean, she will never work in customer relations. Oh, my God, no. Never. But maybe she'll be less of a grump. Angela: Kelly's not so bad. She really taught me something today [rolls eyes]. Michael: I have literally apologized an infinite number of times on this, and there are still calls for me to resign. Calls from an annoying woman, and possibly even the media alike. Well let me tell you something, something from the heart. I will not resign. I need this job. My mortgage is hundreds of dollars a month. With this job, I can barely cover that. I have a company car, but I still have to pay for gas, and gas prices are high. And I have no savings whatsoever. And it wasn't even me. It's so not fair that they want me to resign. Dwight: ...to the fullest extent of the law [hangs up phone]. Listen up, everyone! I just got off the phone with the mill. Final responsibility for Watermark-gate has been assigned. Floor manager Debbie Brown has officially been terminated. Lets give a big hand to Creed Bratton, without whose earnest and diligent sleuthing this scandal might never have been resolved [claps]. Creed: Just doing my job, guys.

Jim: [to Pam] Hey. Jim: [Dwight hands Jim a piece of paper] Oh, what's this? Dwight: That is a demerit. Jim: [reads demerit] 'Jim Halpert, tardiness.' Ugh. I love it already. Dwight: You've gotta learn, Jim. You are second in command, but that does not put you above the law. Jim: Oh, I understand. And I also have lots of questions, like, what does a demerit mean? Dwight: [scoffs] Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those. Jim: Lay it on me. Dwight: Three demerits and you'll receive a citation. Jim: Now that sounds serious. Dwight: Oh, it is serious. Five citations and you're looking at a violation. Four of those and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that'll land you in a world of hurt... in the form of a disciplinary review written up by me and placed on the desk of my immediate superior. Jim: Which would be me. Dwight: That is correct. Jim: OK, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation. Dwight: What's a dis... what's that? Jim: Oh, you don't want to know. Pam: [door opens] Hey, Phyllis. You all right? Phyllis: I think I just got flashed. Pam: What? Really? Phyllis: In the parking lot. Pam: Oh, my God. Dwight: [jumps out of his chair and runs for the door] Move! Jim: OK, I'll call the Andy: What happened? What can I do to help? Jim: [on the phone] OK. Andy: I'll check the web. Jim: [on the phone] Thank you. [hangs up the phone] The police are on it. They say they've already had three calls. Pam: [to Phyllis] Can you tell us what happened? Phyllis: Um... I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions. And he was holding a map. And when I walked over, he had it out... on the map. Angela: Phyllis. You're a married woman. Creed: The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss? Creed: If that's flashing, then lock me up. Pam: [whispering] It's just, like, so creepy. Ryan: [whispering] Yeah. [Pam and Ryan whispering] Michael: What's happening? Pam: Oh, some guy exposed himself to Phyllis in the parking lot. Michael: Really? Is she OK? Pam: Yeah, Bob Vance took her for a walk to calm down. Michael: OK. [deep breath] Phyllis, you say? [snorts] Hmm. [suppressed laugher] Angela: What is so funny? Michael: Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind? Kevin: I'm guessing not. Michael: [laughing softly] I'm sorry. It's pretty funny when you think about it. Jim: Mm... not really, no. Pam: It's disgusting and demeaning. Michael: Oh, OK. Masters of comedy. A guy dropped his pants. Have you ever been to the circus? [everyone glares] OK. [Michael puts his finger through his pant's zipper] He's back! [laughs] OK. Hmm. [babbling with his coat pulled closed] Waagh! [flashes everyone] Toby: Hey, what's going on? There's a police car in the... Michael: What? Oh. [makes descending scale noise as his finger goes down] Toby: What's going on? Michael: Oh, Phyllis got flashed. It's, uh... [laughs] Toby: I don't think laughing about it is an appropriate response. Michael: Oh, come on. We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul. Toby: I don't think the women in this office - Michael: Incidentally, where were you during all of this? Maybe you're the flasher. Toby: I was at a parent-teacher conference. Michael: Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis. [everyone is shocked] [exhales]I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong. Michael: In all the excitement, I forgot that my primary goal is to keep people safe. Women can't have fun if they don't feel safe. For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time... she pretended she didn't hear me. Jan: [on speakerphone] Michael, ... Michael: Huh? Jan: ...come over after work tonight, OK? I miss your body. Michael: I don't know. I feel... I drive a lot. I'm spending a fortune on gas and tolls - Jan: I'll give you $200. And if I get up before you, I'll leave it on the dresser. Michael: Um, that... I don't know. That makes me kind of uncomfortable. Jan: $300? Michael: I... uh, well, I don't know. Jan: You know whatever. Just let my assistant know if you're coming over so he can get more vodka, OK? Hunter, are you on? Hunter: [on speakerphone] You got it, Jan. Dwight: Employees of this office are very small and delicate. Deserve protection from local pervs. Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free. Michael: [exhales] I am sick over this thing. Those people out there are clearly afraid. And that can't happen. Not in my house. Dwight: Agreed. Let me show you what I've been working on. Michael: OK. Dwight: [lays a folder full of pictures on Michael's desk] There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert. Michael: This is the last Dwight: Look at that one. Michael: Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid. [Dwight takes the Polaroid and crumples it in his hand] Michael: Attention, everybody. Dwight has something he would like to say. Dwight: Due to a recent incident involving Phyllis, a man, a map, and his penis - I think you know what I'm referring to - Michael has authorized me to form an emergency anti-flashing task force. Jim: [raises hand] Question. Won't that interfere with your other task forces? Dwight: Answer: No, because this is being given priority one. This is a petition for the business park to upgrade their security cameras as well as install two floodlights in the parking lot. And I know... I know what you're thinking. [Pam nods] Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam. You can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community? Pam: Phallus? Dwight: Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody. Pam: I don't often miss Roy. But I can tell you one thing. I wish someone had flashed me when I was with Roy. Because that would have been the ass-kicking of the year. [small laugh] Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's... Whoo, I am... I am saying a lot of things. Phyllis: I didn't really get a good look. Pam: That's OK. I don't feel like answering phones. Karen: Hey, did you guys see this memo that Dwight sent out? [reads memo] 'Women will be sent home if they wear makeup or heels exceeding 1/4 inch. Females are not allowed to speak to strangers unless given written authorization by Dwight Schrute.' This is ridiculous. Dwight: Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen. Karen: Dwight, this memo that you distributed is insulting. Dwight: Desperate times call for desperate measures. Pam: [reads memo] 'Sleeves down to the wrists, buttoned-up collars, and muted colors.' Nobody dress like that. [camera pans over to Angela] Michael: OK, you know something, Dwight? We are not the terrorists. Why don't you just take these women, put 'em in a burlap sack, and hit 'em with a stick? Because that's what you're doing. I celebrate these women. They deserve the right to dress as they please. If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that. Karen: Look, it's really simple. We just want you guys to treat us with respect. Michael: See? That's what we're talking about. Did you hear that, Dwight? Dwight: Yes. Did you hear that, Michael? Michael: No, Dwight. Respect. R-E-S-P-svee-T. Find out what it means to me. All right, you know what? That's it. Conference room, five minutes. Women's appreciation. Jim: Wait a second, how are you qualified for that? Michael: Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one? Dwight: [eating banana] Mm, less than three. Michael: That is not current. Dwight: You know what? Why doesn't Oscar run the meeting? He's a homosexual. Jim: Why don't you run the meeting? You play with dolls. Dwight: Those are collectible action figures and they're worth more than your car. Michael: You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women. Michael: I, um... would like to apologize for all of the men who thought this was a laughing matter. Creed: Are we still discussing this? I say again, what is the big deal? Michael: Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited. Meredith: I don't remember doing that. Angela: What a surprise. Michael: OK, no catfights. Please. Let's - my point is... my point is... a penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie. Dwight: Alien Michael: What are...? Shut it. Shut. Up. OK, so what I want to engage us in today is a hardcore discussion about women's problems and issues and situations. Magazines and TV shows and movies portray women as skinny, tall goddesses. Well, look around. Are women like that? No. No, they are not. [points to Pam] Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny. So what does that say? That says that you women are up against it. And it is criminal. Society doesn't care. Society sucks. I don't even consider myself a part of society. FYI. Because I am so angry over all of this. Andy: If it were up to me, you ladies would be the fashion models. Kevin: Yes, Andy. Then the fashion models could come here and work with me. Karen: What you're saying is extremely misogynistic. Michael: Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And I proves my point. Women can do anything. Karen: I'm saying that you're being sexist. Michael: No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist. Karen: That - it's the same thing. Phyllis: Michael. Michael: Yes. Phyllis: When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian. Michael: Because wha... that was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut. Angela: And when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods. Michael: I have to know whether you're serious or not. Dwight: I wish I could menstruate. Dwight: If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides. Karen: Can we just get back to work? Michael: Ye - OK, yes. Angela: This is not work talk. Michael: You're right. You're right, you're right. And you know why? It's because of where we are. This is a masculine environment. We need to find a place where you feel comfortable. You know where we're gonna go? The Steamtown Mall. [Kelly gasps] Karen: Frankly, it's kind of insulting. But I have a bunch of stuff I need to return in my car. So... I could do that. Angela: Malls are just awful and humiliating. They're just store after store of these horrible salespeople making a big fuss out of an adult shopping in a junior's section. There are petite adults who are sort of... smaller who need to wear... maybe a kids' size 10. Michael: OK, let's go, ladies of Dunder-Mifflin. Hey, we should have a calendar printed up. Pam, put that in my good idea folder. [Pam nods] Let's go! Dwight: Have you finished with the sketch? Pam: Yeah. Dwight: Hmm, doesn't seem like the type. Pam: Uh, Phyllis got a good look. Dwight: Hmm. Dwight: [Pam's sketch looks like Dwight with a mustache, but without his glasses] I plan on plastering this pervert's face everywhere. You can run, but you cannot hide. Pam: [tires screeching] Oh. Angela: Meredith, slow down! We're not gonna get there any faster if we're dead. Meredith: Thanks. I know how to drive. [dumps the crumbs from a bag of chips she was eating into her mouth and throws it out the window] Pam: Oh, yeah. You really shouldn't litter. Meredith: My car, my rules. Kevin: Hey, Jim. You wanna go in the women's bathroom? Jim: No. Thank you, though. Kevin: You aren't curious? Jim: Not really. I've seen a bathroom before. Kevin: Yeah, but... it's every guy's fantasy. Jim: I think you mean a girl's Kevin: [quietly] Yeah. I'm going in. Jim: Go crazy. Kevin: [in women's bathroom] Oh... my... God. Andy: I really appreciate your letting me work alongside you so closely today. Dwight: Of course you do, moon face. That's because you're a preppy freak, you're the office pariah, and nobody likes you. So start hanging these all around the building. Andy: This guy looks like a real deviant. Dwight: No, duh. That's why we gotta catch him. Start hanging those. Andy: Aye, aye, Cap'n. Dwight: More like, 'Aye, aye, General.' Michael: [Meredith parking the car] I don't think she's gonna make it. Don't think she's gonna make it - [metal scraping] Meredith: It's a little too tight. I'm gonna find another spot. Michael: Many women Dwight: [marks Scranton with a red pushpin on a map of Pennsylvania and exhales] This is what we Jim: [in women's bathroom] Well, I stand corrected. This is pretty cool. Kevin: Yes. Toby: Hey, uh... where'd you decide to take Karen tonight? Jim: Anna Maria's. Ryan: What's the occasion? Jim: Six-month anniversary. What? Ryan: Nothing - I think, uh, we all kinda thought you guys were just, like, hooking up. Jim: No, we've been dating for six months. Ryan: Uh, she might mention an email that I wrote a while back, um - Jim: Oh, right. I remember that one. She read it to me. She said she's not really ready to date somebody in the office, but she really likes you as a friend. Ryan: I figured. It's cool. I don't - I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship anyway. Michael: All right. Hope nobody's on a diet. Kelly: Thanks, Michael. Angela: Thank you, Michael. Michael: You're welcome. You're welcome, you're welcome. OK. So, let's dish. Pam: What do you want to dish about? Michael: Anything you guys want. This is your time. [everyone is silent or continues to eat, Michael exhales] Mm. What is a Pap smear? Or is it 'shmear?' Like the cream cheese. Pam: OK. New topic. Kelly, how are things with Ryan? Kelly: Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But, uh, sometimes awesome. Michael: What, um... what do you think of role-play? Phyllis: Oh, it can be fun. Michael: Yeah? Well, Jan has this schoolgirl fantasy. Karen: It's a pretty common one. Michael: I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress. Angela: OK. I'm gonna be at the doll store. Angela: Sometimes, the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls. Pam: Michael, you shouldn't do anything that you're uncomfortable with. Michael: Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing. I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex. Pam: Oh, my God. Michael: [groans] And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form. Karen: That is not healthy behavior. Michael: No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it. Pam: Michael, you need to get out of this. Michael: No, she's... she's fooling around. It's a woman thing. Pam: No, normal women don't do stuff like that. This is bad. [Karen nods and Michael looks like he's about to start crying] Michael: No... No, it's all right. I'm OK. I'm OK. [sniffing] You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan? [sighs] Pam: Read the pros first. Michael: OK. Jan is smart. Uh, successful. Good clothes. Hot. Perfect skin. Nice butt. Phyllis: She does have very nice clothes. Karen: OK, OK. Um, cons. Michael: Cons. Wears too much makeup. Breasts: not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested. Pam: What was the last one? Michael: She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles. Phyllis: No, the one before that. Michael: I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Pam: Michael... you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't make you happy. Michael: I'm happy sometimes. Um... when we scrapbook or right towards the end of having sex. Karen: Look, most relationships have their rough patches. You just have to push through it sometimes. Michael: Yeah, that's smart. Pam: Maybe. But it sounds like you're just wrong for each other. Michael: That sounds good too. I don't know who's right. I just don't - I don't know. I don't know. Phyllis: I bet you know. Don't think, just answer. What do you want to do about Jan? Michael: I wanna break up with Jan. Wow. I wanna break up with Jan. Phyllis: My mom taught me that. Michael: Wow, I cannot believe this yogurt has no calories. Pam: No one said it has no calories. Michael: Oh, hey, guys. I want to do something nice for you, because you did something so nice for me earlier. I want you to go in there. I want you to buy one item on me as a thank-you. [Kelly sprints inside Victoria's Secret] Come on. Get in here. Michael: Let's face it, most guys are from the Dark Ages. They're caveman. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing 8-inch heels, and to be wearing, um, see-through underpants. But... for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked. Kevin: [in women's bathroom] This is so great, huh? We should do this much more often. Toby: I-I think we hang out an appropriate amount of time. Creed: What are you doing in here? This is the women's room. Kevin: You're in here. Creed: I pay for that privilege. [goes into stall] Kevin: [all get up to leave] OK. Creed: [wearing headphones and speaking loudly] I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly. Michael: Mm. You don't want anything? My treat. Some panties or... pick a thong or... G-string. T-back. Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through, push-up, lace? Thigh-high? Bustier? Any - it just - you know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear. Karen: Phyllis. What do you think? Too much? Phyllis: Jim's gonna love it. [Karen giggles] Pam: I'm kind of in-between boyfriends right now. So I don't need anything sexy. But I do need some new hand towels. I figure I can cut up this robe. Angela: [in the car] Slower. Slower. Meredith. [Michael's cell phone ringing My Humps] Slow it up. Michael: Oh. Oh, no. [inhales sharply] It's Jan. What do I do? Karen: Answer it. Pam: Don't answer it. Michael: OK, it stopped. Kelly: [bang] Whoa. Meredith: [tires screeching] Crap. Jim: [snickers at Pam's sketch] That is pretty cool. Kelly: Michael, you know how to, um -change a wheel, right? Michael: Uh, yeah. Yep. Um... Could somebody grab me the lever, and I will... Pam: Here, uh... Meredith? Why don't you put your hazards on. Michael: Yeah, get your hazards on for safety. Let's see. [takes off his coat and tosses it aside] There we go! [Pam brings over the jack and lug wrench] Good. Yes, we have the... all right. [tries the use the jack to loosen the lug nuts] Pam: I think I've got it. Michael: Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan? Pam: I don't think we really need that, Michael. Michael: Uh... you know what? I'm going to... you take care of that. I'm gonna do traffic... detail. Pam: You know, I changed a tire today. All by myself. This bathrobe's already coming in handy. [Meredith honking] Coming! Andy: Think we'll find him? Dwight: Yeah, I do. 'Cause justice never rests. Andy: [pulls a candy bar from his coat pocket] Halvsies? Dwight: No. Wholesies. [snatches the candy bar] Andy: Listen, man, I really appreciate you letting me shadow you today. I feel like I learned a lot. Dwight: Natch. [bites off a lot of candy bar] Andy: Yep. If you don't mind, I think I'll hang some of these posters around my neighborhood. Schools, post office, et cetera. Dwight: You know, I may have underestimated you. You're not a total ass. [coughs] Michael: OK, I am really going to do this. Pam: Good luck, Michael. Michael: You know what? I need my girls with me. Pam, Karen, even Phyllis. Come on. Let's do this. Let's do it. [sighs] Karen: OK, remember, be strong. Michael: I love you guys. Now I'm getting her voicemail. Pam: Don't leave a - Michael: [leaving a message] Hey, Jan. It's me, Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break, permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I-I wanna remain friends. Or at least business associates who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. [Jan walks in] OK, buddy. Somebody just walked in. I have to go. Um, so I'll talk to you later. Jan: Michael... [clears throat] I was, um... I was really unhappy with our conversation earlier. And I... I just - I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I decided that I would drive down here and apologize to you in person. So... [takes Michael's hand] I'm sorry. Michael: Thank you. Jan: So... we're good? Michael: Abso-fruit-ly. Jan: [cell phone vibrates] Oh. Hold on, I'm sorry. Michael: No... No... Jan: One second. Oh! It's from you. Uh, you wanna grab some dinner? Michael: Yeah. Jan: OK. [voice on phone] 'It's me, Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break, permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I want...' Michael: Maybe some Italian. [voice on phone] '... to remain friends. Or at least business associates -' [Jan takes the phone away from her ear] Chinese? [voice on phone] 'who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. OK, buddy.' Jan: Oh. [door closes] Michael: [sighs] Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis, a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela, a heart, and for Kelly, a brain. 'Michael, how can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?' You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all. Dwight: [phone rings] Dunder-Mifflin paper/sex predator hotline, this is Dwight Schrute. Jim: Hey, Dwight. It's Jim. Dwight: Jim, what are you doing? I'm busy. Jim: No, you're not. I'm looking right at you. Dwight: Ugh. I'm hanging up. Jim: Don't. [quietly] I have information about the sex predator. Dwight: You have information about the sex predator? Jim: I saw him two minutes ago. Dwight: Where? Jim: In the women's bathroom, above the sink. Dwight: [hangs up and runs to the women's bathroom] Anti-flashing task force! Above the sink. Above the sink. Hmm. [sees himself in the mirror with two black marks on the mirror making a mustache, removes his glasses and figures it out] PAM! Jan: So how are you liking the Wall Street Journal subscription? Michael: Love it. Jan: Are you reading it everyday, like we decided you would? Michael: Uh, yes, I am. Jan: Good, good, it's the best business reporting isn't it? Michael: Uh, yeah, it's okay. Its just, I don't think the cartoons are very funny. Jan: Wait, wait, what cartoons? Michael: The a cartoon that goes with each article. This one says Mel Karmazin? I don't, I don't know. I guess I get it. Jan: [Sigh] Michael: We should really start recycling. Jan: Right uh, Michael. Kelly: Hey, what's going on? Stanley: Phyllis got flashed in the parking lot. Kelly: [Screams] Stanley: Okay, you need to stop that right now. Bob: Phyllis, you okay? You sure? Andy: Hey good lookin', what ya got cookin'? Dwight: I got nothing cooking, it's cooked. It's borscht and its served cold. Andy: Hey listen, I'm sure everyone's already told you but, your presentation out there, was pretty inspiring stuff. Must be nice being a woman around here, knowing they have a protector in you. Dwight: If you are trying to kiss my ass, I would not suggest it. Believe me, you do not want to kiss this ass. Andy: Borscht, according to Dwight it's best served cold. You know what else is best served cold? Yeah, gazpacho. You see what I'm doing? I am establishing a mutual love of cold soups. This is the first step in my plan to win Dwight's trust. Andy: I should make you my vichyssoise. Dwight: I will never be your vichyssoise. Michael: Orgasms, why can women have them? Yep? Jim: No. I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think this is the place to do this. Michael: Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be a woman. I have a full-length mirror in my bathroom, and before I get dressed I will tuck myself between my legs just to see. And, um, it's uncomfortable. So maybe I do understand. Kelly: [sings] We're going to the mall. Bye Ryan, bye. Dwight: Lets go, fall out, let's go. Move, move, move, move, move. Michael: I got shotgun. Damn it. Andy: Let me be clear. There's only one thing that's important to me, and its not friendship. Its dominance, and I think I know a thing or two about dominating. Okay, I lived with a dominatrix for three years in Stamford. Mistress Lila. Taught me more than any college professor I ever had, while attending Cornell, which is where I went to school. Michael: Look at that! Come on! Free underwear! Pam: It is totally inappropriate, but on the other hand... Michael: Hey, Pam, how bout something like that for you. Could sort of cover up any imperfections in the mid section. Just show off the twins a little bit. Jim: That's pretty cool. Andy: You can make people believe anything. Today I made Dwight believe I like cold soups. Why? I don't know. I don't have to know. That's what makes me so dangerous. Michael: Idiot. Michael: I learned a lot about women today. And any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. Jan and I broke up. Why? Because she didn't like one message I left on her voicemail? But that is her peariagative. I thought I understood women, but maybe, can't believe I'm gonna say this, maybe, women don't understand themselves.

Michael: Ughh... Blech. Dwight: OK, where does it hurt? Michael: Just... all over. I don't want to do anything... I'm dying... Dwight: No, that's not how it works. You have to point to a specific part of the body. Michael: Right there. [Michael points to computer screen.] Dwight: [reading from screen] 'Abdomen. Menses.' Michael: Maybe. Dwight: The uterus contracts after your egg passes through it.' Michael: Not it. I don't have eggs. Pam: About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned. Dwight: Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste? Michael: That's possible. Pam: Michael? Michael: Uh-huh? Pam: David Wallace is on line one. Michael: The CFO? Ohh... Michael: OK, everybody out. Out. Out. Out. OK. Michael: To what do I owe this great honor, David Wallace? David: [on phone] Michael, I am calling- Michael: And Gromit. [David sighs] Jan? Is Jan there? David: Jan is out of town right now. Michael: Oh, you sigh like Jan. I broke Jan's heart, David, and it was awful. It was... It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes... David: Michael? Michael: ...you just gots to get your freak on. David: Michael? Michael: Yeah. David: Michael? Michael: Hmmm. David: I am calling to see if you can come down and interview for a job we have opening in corporate. Michael: Really? David: Week from today. Bring your first quarter stats and your recommendation for who would take over the Scranton Branch. Michael: Wow. I wish I had prepared something to say. David: That's not necessary. Michael: May God guide you in your quest. David: Yes. Michael: OK, everybody have their towels and swim suits? We have about an hour and half. I suggest that you all go potty now and then we will be congregating on the partay bus. Meredith: Oh I'm excited. Today is Beach Day! And Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt [lifts up shirt, definitely Michael: Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume? Oscar: I don't wear a Speedo, Michael. Michael: Well, you can't swim in leather pants. [laughs] I'm just yankin' your chain. Not literally. Toby: Anybody need sun block? Got SPF 30. Michael: Oh, you know what? Uh, you're not going. Toby: It's Beach Day... Michael: Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Toby. We... um... Somebody has to stay here. Michael: I want today to be a beautiful memory... that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it... then it'll suck. Toby: Hey, want my sun screen? Pam: Oh, great. I forgot mine and I'm wearing a two piece. Toby: Uh-huh. Pam: Thanks Toby. Michael: Hey Pam, I have a very important job for you Pam: I thought we were just having fun at the beach. Michael: We are. We are. But, I would like you to take notes. And I want you to find out about people's character. Not their hotness, per se, but their humor, and their charisma, and the indefinable quality that makes you all glad to follow me. Michael: What happens to a company if somebody takes their boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It's like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head. Pam: You want me to write down people's indefinable qualities? Michael: I want you to write down everything that people are doing all day. And then type it up, in a way that is helpful. Alright? Pam: I have the most boring job in the office, so... why wouldn't I have the most boring job on beach day? Michael: This way to the partay bus. Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted. Kevin: [singing] [Angela mouthing the words next to him] And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression. Said, 'If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.' [rest of office joins in at varying times] You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done. Michael: Everybody, may I have you attention please? Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach. Stanley: Oh, sweet mother of God. Michael: If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus. Stanley: Excuse me? Michael: Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus. Just, we are all participating in mandatory fun activities. Funtivities! And there is a special secret prize for the winner! Dwight: Yes! Funtivities! I knew it wasn't just a trip to the beach. Michael: Okay, you know what? Your enthusiasm's turning people off. Dwight: I hope there will be management parables. Michael: Well, [whispering] Hey Pam, did you get that down? Pam: Like what? Michael: Like everything I said and everything they did and... Just don't... Pam: Well... no, I don't... exactly... what? Michael: Well write it down before you forget it. That's... You've just been drawing pictures. [sighs] Rrrr. I can't stay mad at you. Michael: Here we are ladies and gentlemen. Everybody ready? Last one down is a rotten egg. [Gets off bus] Watch out for snakes! Angela: Everyone put on sunscreen. Michael: Alright, find a cozy spot. Everybody settle in. [everybody sits down on beach] OK, everybody up! Circle 'round. [motions for circle to form] Let us play some games. We are situated on the northeast corner of scenic Lake Scranton. America's eighth largest indigenous body of water. It is here that a group of Americans will undergo the ultimate challenge. One day, 14 strangers who work together, but only one survivor. Oscar: What? Michael: Just words. Inspiring words. [under breath] Not a contender. [out loud] For the competitions, you will be divided into four tribes. Each tribe will have a leader that I will pick randomly off the top of my head without thinking. Jim, Dwight, Andy and Stanley. Dwight: Yes! Michael: Choose your tribes. Except for Pam. Not Pam. Michael: Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour. So that should tell you something. Dwight: I choose Michael! Michael: I'm not playing. Dwight: OK, temp. Michael: Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot. Michael: We are going to choose team names. Dwight? Dwight: We will be called Gryffindor. Jim: Really? Not Slytherin? Dwight: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim. Jim: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort. Dwight: He-who-must-not-be-named? I wouldn't do that. Jim: [starts chanting] Vol-de-mort, Vol-de-mort ...[Kevin and Karen follow] Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort! Dwight: OK, seriously. You really shouldn't be saying that. Michael: Hey, hey, hey. Ok, Ok... Stanley, your team name? Stanley: I don't care what you call my team. Michael: Then I will name your team the Red team. Stanley: No [crosses arms], the blue team. Michael: I am also considering Stanley because of all the good that black people have done. For America. Andy: We will be team U.S.A. Michael: Very good. Pam, please take a note that Andy is patriotic. Michael: Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him. Michael: It is time for the great spoon and egg race. This one is with a little twist. Stanley: There's already a twist, you're carrying an egg on a spoon. Michael: Shh... The person carrying the egg will be blindfolded. Please put on your blindfolds. That person carrying the egg will go down, circle a torch, come back, deposit their egg in the pail. First team back is the winner. Alright. Ready? Set. Go! [contestants start walking] Oscar: Come on Phyllis, you can do it. [Phyllis' egg falls off spoon] Ahh... Stanley: Thank you so much. [Stanley sits down and pulls out his crossword puzzle] Andy: Phyllis is out. Yes! [to Kelly] Follow my voice. Follow my voice. Yeah, keep it moving. Keep it moving. Right this way. Looking good. [Cheers] Kelly: I don't want to hit the big rock! Andy: Don't worry. You're not... Kelly: I know I'm near the big rock. I just know it. Andy: No where near the big rock. Kelly: [takes off blindfold] I just don't want to get hit by it... Andy: What're you doing? No! See, now we're disqualified. Andy: I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard! [throws a stone] Jim: [to Karen] Woah, stop, stop, stop. There's a hole. Step over the hole. Karen: Hole? Jim: Yup. [Karen takes a big step] Perfect, oooh, just made it. OK, turn left. Dwight: [to Ryan] Come on! Come on! Andale! Arriba! Arriba! Ryan: Can you just stop this right now, or I'm not gonna do this anymore. Dwight: What are you saying? Ryan: You have to stop yelling at me or I'm not gonna do the egg race. Dwight: OK, I apologize for yelling at you. Ryan: That's what being a good captain is about. It's about listening to the members of your team. Dwight: I am trying to bring team spirit. Jim: [to Karen] Woah, stop, another hole. Take a big step. [Karen steps into lake] Yes! Karen: [lifts up blindfold] Oh my God! You ass! [chases Jim and throws egg at him] [both laugh] Pam: There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh... diligent note-taking. [holds up notes] Michael: [off screen] Pam...you're missing things. [shakes off hand and starts writing in notebook] Dwight: [at Ryan holding egg in spoon] Let's go! Let's go! Come on! Mush! Mush! Come on you bastard! [Ryan takes off blindfold and throws it to ground along with egg and spoon] What the? Damn it temp! Andy: [begins to clap] Great job everyone, that was fantastic. [Michael sighs] Michael: Okay Pam, I have another little project for you. Pam: Does it have to do with these shopping bags filled with hot dogs? Michael: Smart as a whip! Yes! [holds up hot dog packages] These are pre-cooked, so it's not absolutely necessary, but I would appreciate it if you could heat up 800 hot dogs for a little contest I'm going to be having. I would greatly appreciate it. Pam: When's the contest? Michael: Like umm...[looks at watch] ten minutes? Pam: How am I supposed to... get... Michael: Thanks a bunch. Michael: A good manager has got to be hungry. Hungry for success. Michael: OK, who's hungry [Kevin starts to put hot dog in mouth] No, no, no. Do not touch the food. Please. Not yet. That is our next event. A hot dog eating contest. [sighs at the table] For those of you who are curious, the world record is 54 and one half hot dogs. Wow! And you know what? I personally have cooked up enough so each and every one of you could break that record. So shoot for the stars, OK? Alright, the team that eats the most hot dogs in ten minutes will be declared the winner. On you mark. Get set. Kelly: Can I have a turkey burger? Michael: No, I have the only one. I claimed it. Ready? Oscar: Turkey is a healthy meat. Dwight: It's very good for you. [overlapping talk from all at table] Michael: Guys, guys, guys. Come on! Pleeeeease... Let's just... OK, it's very important that you all try to eat as many hot dogs as you can. On your mark. Get set. Eat! Phyllis: Is there any mustard? Michael: No mustard, no mustard. Just eat it, eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily. Michael: Come on, the winner gets a big, big prize. Meredith: [eating hot dog] What is it? Michael: I can't say. Jim: You can't say, or you can't pronounce it? Michael: The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world. Kelly: Can we just take those first two things? Michael: The winner of today gets my job. Ok? I'm interviewing for a job at corporate. And they're only interviewing a handful of people and I'm the most qualified and I'll probably get it. Alright? Dwight: You're leaving? Michael: I didn't want to tell anyway. I didn't want to cast a pall over our fun beach day. But you know what? I don't know who to recommend because frankly nobody is stepping up. Andy: [slams fist onto table] I am so hungry! [starts eating hot dog real fast] Stanley: Do you expect me to believe that you're truly making your recommendations on this basis? Michael: [points at Stanley] Word. [Stanley starts eating hot dog] There we go. Let's see it. Stanley: I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on! Michael: Four. Three. Two. One. Stop your eating! And the winner is Andy Bernard, with 14 hot dogs! Kelly: Team U.S.A.! Andy: One came up. Michael: 13 hot dogs, everybody! Dwight: Damn it! Creed: [holding a fish with all the meat stripped off] Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs! Dwight: Sabotage. Angela: What? What are you saying? Did you say sandwich? Dwight: No. I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team. Angela: I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane. Dwight: If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me. Michael: It's very simple. There are only three rules. You must not touch the ground. You must not step outside of the ring. And you must always wear the safety mittens. Stanley: Uh, we don't have any safety mittens Michael: Probably left them in the trunk of my car. It's alright. It's alright. Here we go. Karen: Get 'em big boy! Michael: Aaaaaand, go! Karen: C'mon, Jim! Stanley: [growly noises, Jim looks terrified] Jim: What are you doing? Michael: Nice, Stanley! Stanley: [to Jim] Sorry about that. It's all about taking points away from Dwight. Jim: Yeah. No. Good. Jim: Oh, my God. I have never seen that look in a man's eyes... ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day. Oscar: If either of these guys are put in charge of the office I will transfer to Albany. Gil can come if he wants. I'm kinda looking for a way out of that relationship anyway. I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see. Dwight: [Andy and Dwight sumo wrestle] Gaaaaa... Michael: One. Two. Three. Dwight: Yaaaaa! Yaaaaa! Michael: Excellent! Dwight: Gryffindor! Gryffindor! Andy: I didn't win. But the only reason I didn't win is because I recently learned that it's better to work thing out with words. Dwight: That's not why you lost. Andy: Yeah it is. I totally could have kicked your butt so bad. Dwight: Yeah, right. Andy: Yeah, right, c'mon! C'mon! [Dwight and Andy wrestle] Dwight: [bouncing off of Andy] Aaaagh! Uggggh! How do you like that? Andy: [Trying to wet bandana, falls in water] Oh, God! Waaa! Guhh! Wuuuh! Help! Angela! Angela, hey! Oh, thank God! Please tell somebody! Angela: What, Andy? Andy, what should I tell them? Andy: Go tell them I'm floating away, obviously! Angela: I don't understand what you want from me. Andy: Angela, it's pretty simple! Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody about it! Angela: Sorry! Bye, Andy! Andy: Angela! Michael: I knew that finding a successor would be difficult. I did not know that it would be impossible. Thus far the candidates have been wildly disappointing. Uh, Jim is not taking it seriously. Uh, Stanley is having a stroke. And Andy, where is he? Where the hell is Andy? Where is he, Pam? Do you know? Ah... who's ahead in points? Pam: I think they're even. At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units. Michael: Check to see if there is a conversion chart in that notebook. Pam: I really doubt it, Michael. Michael: Please just check. Jim: [on cell phone] Great. Yeah, I'll see you next week. Thank you, and here is Karen Filipelli. Bye. Karen: Hello? Yeah, hi David. Yes, I would like to be considered for the corporate position in well. Jim: In well? Karen: As well. Jim: How would that work in well? I just want to know. Karen: Yes. uh, huh. Jim: Wait a minute. Karen: That would be fine. Jim: If this job is in a well, I don't want it. Karen: [whispering] Cut it out! Jim: I don't! Michael: What does a great manager need most of all? Courage. Stanley: How so? I mean... sure thing, that sounds smart... I can't do this anymore! I'm goin' to sit in the bus. Michael: Your loss, Stanley. Meanwhile the rest of us will have a super fun time defeating our fear and creating a lasting memory. Walking through FIRE! Michael: Who among you has the guts to replace me? Let him walk across these coals. Kevin: Are you going to try it? Angela: I'm not going to talk through the fire after your disgusting feet have gone through. Kevin: Angela, it is a million degrees. Pam: I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital. That's the right spirit when doing a coal walk, right? Michael: No. No, not you, Pam. You have to keep score. Pam: I'd like to try it. Michael: Pointless. Pam: But I'm not kidding. I really want to do it. Michael: Blah, blah, blee blup, blup, okay? This is about guts. It takes guts to be a regional manager. Jim, you're up. Jim: Nope. Michael: Ji.. why not? C'mon. Jim: Oh, 'cause I don't want my feet to get burned. Michael: You do not have what it takes to be a regional manager. Jim: That's harsh. Michael: Who's next? Andy? Where's Andy? Andy is never here today. Andy: [lying in water, car lights light up his location] Hello? Who's there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin. Hello? Kevin: Why don't you go Michael? Michael: Because I already did. Remember? I burned my foot on a George Foreman grill. Jim: And that is not the same at all. If you're going to ask other people to do it, you should do it yourself. Michael: Alright. Okay. Alright. Fine. 'kay. [clears throat, breathes noisily] The mind has to wrap around the foot. [exhales] Okay. Pam: Do you want us to count to three? Michael: Yes. Count to three, please. Group: Three. Two. One. Michael: Count the other way. Count... no, no, count one, two, three, not three, two, one. Group: One. Two. Three! Go! Do it! Go, Michael. Michael: Wait! Am I going on go? Or am I going on three? Creed: On the go that's after three. Michael: Okay. Group: One, two, three, go! Dwight: No! It's okay. I will do this Michael. Michael: Don't, don't. Dwight: [walking on coals] I will walk and stand on these coals until you award me the position of regional manager! Group: Wow. Go, Dwight. Keep moving. Dwight: [standing still, on the coals] GIVE ME THE JOB! GIVE ME THE JOB! Michael: I'm not going to give it to you. Dwight: [falling on his knees, then on all fours] Aaagh, aaagh! Group: [yelling excitedly for Dwight to get off the coals] Pam: Michael, do something! Dwight: Aggggh, that stings! Michael: Being the boss is also about image. I've never looked like that. That was gross. I just, I don't see the connection between a firewalk and management. Worst seventy-five bucks I ever spent. You know what, if I had to pick my replacement based on today, it would be Mr. 'Outside Hire.' Angela: Or Mrs. 'Outside Hire.' Michael: Yeah. Ummm, hmm... True. Look, I don't want to leave this branch that I love to an outside hire therefore we are going to have a one hundred point winner take all sudden death tribal council round. To test the aspect of my job that I think is the most important, something I call the Bob Hope factor. Kelly: Who's Bob Hope? Michael: God! He's a comedian. Kelly: Oh, like Amanda Bynes. Michael: Who's Amanda Bynes? Kelly: She's from 'What a Girl Wants.' Michael: Oh, I love that movie. Yes, Kelly is right, the person to replace me has to have a great sense of humor and they have to possess the leadership qualities of a Bynes or a Hope. So without further ado, Jim and Dwight show us what you got. Jim: Hey, I know what you're looking for, but um, I got to be honest, I really don't think I should be considered as your replacement. Michael: You are being too modest. Jim: Michael, on Thursday I'm going to drive down and interview with David for the open position in New York. Michael: Hhhh... okay. That is not funny. I am deducting sixty points from Voldemort for false pretenses. Okay, Dwight your turn. Wow us. Dwight: The Aristocrats. A man and his wife and his children go into the offices of a talent agency. And the talent agent says, 'Describe your act.' And the man says something really, really raunchy and the talent representative says, 'What do you call yourselves?' And the man says, 'The Aristocrats!' Pam: [breathes deeply and runs across coals] Oooh, uh hah, ooh! Wha-hoo! Ahhhh... Dwight: [finishes story] I mean truly repulsive acts. Michael: That is a very, very funny story. Pam: [runs over after walking over fire coals] Hey! I want to say something. I've been trying to be more honest lately and I just need to say a few things. I did the coal walk! Just, I did it! Michael, you couldn't even do that. Maybe I should be your boss? Wow, I feel really good right now. Why didn't any of you come to my art show? I invited all of you. That really sucked. It's like sometimes some of you act like I don't even exist. [turns and looks directly at Jim] Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends. And things are just like weird between us, and that sucks. And I miss you. You were my best friend before you went to Stamford, and I really miss you. I shouldn't have been with Roy. And there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding. But the truth is, I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you. And now you're with someone else. And that's... fine. It's... whatever. That's not what... I'm not... Okay, my feet really hurt. The thing that I'm just trying to say to you, Jim... and to everyone else in this circle I guess, is that I miss having fun with you. Just you, not everyone in the circle. Okay, I am going to go walk in the water now. Yeah. It's a good day. Michael: Pam, that was amazing. But I am still looking for someone with a sales background. Group: Flintstones, meet the Flintstones. They're a modern stone-age family. Ba-ba-da-da-da. From the town of Bedrock, they're a page right out of history. Ba-da-da-da-da. [overlapping singing of the wrong verses] When you're with the Flintstones, have a yabba-dabba-doo time, a dabba-doo time, we'll have a gay old time! Michael: WWWWIIIILLLLMMMMAAAA! Andy: Nice! Michael: So we have about an hour and a half. I suggest that you all go potty now and then we will be congregating on the party bus. Fun on wheels. Only way to travel. Besides a monorail. Phyllis: Well, Bob was going to just drive me. Michael: No. No, no, no. No guests today. Classic gang only. Just us good friends, and Karen and Andy. Pam: Sometimes Michael gets nostalgic and he talks about the classic gang. That's Michael, me, Jim, Dwight, Angela, Kevin, Oscar, Stanley, Phyllis, Creed, Meredith, Kelly and Ryan. We're a regular Ocean's Eleven. Pam: Jim, David Wallace is calling for you. Jim: Oh, okay. Hello. Hey, David. Sure. Michael: Pam, you broke up with your boyfriend and then kept working together. How did that work out? Pam: You remember you fired Roy for attacking Jim and I don't talk to him anymore really. Michael: Acrimonious. Michael: This way to the party bus. Good. Meredith: [Sign says 'No Alcohol, No Loud Talking'] Um, What the hell? Michael: It's a bus that takes you to a party. Here we go. Meredith: Um, I forgot my... Michael: Here we go. Come on. Okay, everybody here? All: Yeah! Michael: Then, Mr. Driver, we are off like a herd of turtles! Johnny Carson. [Meredith runs to catch up to bus with her large drink cup] Dwight: Seat belts fastened, folks. Safety first. Hey what is all this? Michael: Nothing. Dwight: If I guess, will you tell me? Michael: No. Dwight: Please? Michael: No! Dwight: Is that a sumo suit? Michael: No. Dwight: I know, we're putting on a play for Japanese investors. Michael: No, we are not. Dwight: Please tell me. I've been so good... Michael: You are really annoying me. If you don't knock it off... Dwight: Please. Michael: ...I'm never gonna tell you anything ever again. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Dwight: Please. Meredith: Can we please pull over at the next rest stop? Michael: No. We're only 10 minutes from the lake. Meredith: Pull over! Pull over! [Meredith uses a bush while all the other passengers look the other way, except Creed] Michael: Yes, I am choosing my apprentice. Which is why I have modeled all my games after Survivor. Michael: Any questions? Jim: Just one. Michael: Yup. Jim: The torches are lit. Michael: Yes, for dramatic affect. Jim: No, Michael, people are blindfolded. That's a hazard. Michael: Very good, Jim. Pam, please note that Jim is very astute. All right, are we ready? Jim: Are you not gonna put out the torches? Michael: Set! Jim: Okay. Michael: Go! Phyllis: I think Jim would be a good boss. Plus he's eye candy. It's OK, Bob... Vance knows he's on my list. Um, George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jim, and that British guy that got in trouble with a prostitute. Andy: It is an honor just to be considered for Michael's job. Honestly. And if I win it, then I will be ordering a pretty sizeable Most Improved Player plaque to put over the hole I punched in the wall. Michael: [sighs] Okay. Pam, who came out best in the race, in your opinion? Pam: Um, Karen left her blindfold on the longest but she also threw her egg at Jim. Michael: Because he wasn't following the rules. Pam: I think they were just having fun. Michael: But they didn't complete their task, Pam! If people can't carry an egg in a spoon, blindfolded, then what does that tell you about how they will be able to manage a sales report, or conduct a business call? Pam: It tells me nothing. Michael: Exactly. Are you sure you're doing that right? Taking an awfully long time. Pam: There's 800 of them! Michael: Okay, all right. Michael: It's very important that you all try to eat as many hotdogs as you can... Meredith: Hotdogs are really unhealthy. Michael: Son of a bitch. God! Okay. All right you know what? Here we go. On your mark! Get set! Phyllis: Is there any mustard? Michael: No mustard! No mustard! Just... eat it. Eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it will slide down your gullet more easily. Everyone: That's what she said! Michael: No, no, no, no, not that- just... come on, you guys, let's do it! I'm serious. Who's got the hungry? Dwight: I do! Michael: Who's got the hungry? Dwight: I do! Michael: Come on, Ryan... Dwight: Let's go. Michael: Ryan, I want to see you with a hot dog in your mouth. Right now. Jim: Karen and I are having our own contest to see who can eat the most normal amount of tuna salad in an unspecified but very cofortable amount of time. I don't know what to tell you. Right now? Dead heat. Andy: Keep eating tuna, Big Tuna. Loser! Jim: He's gonna throw up. Michael: [Dwight and Stanley are in sumo suits] Ready! Go! Phyllis: The guy who sits behind me and the guy who sits across from me are fighting to see who becomes my boss. [laughs] Dwight: [Dwight knocks Stanley down] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Eat sand, you fat, old man! Kevin: Oh, I'm out of it. Let's face it, the hot dog-eating contest was my best shot. Ryan: Michael, since Andy isn't here, maybe I could be the team captain. Michael: You? You haven't made a sale. Ryan: I know, but I'd like to give this a try. Michael: Don't try to flirt your way into this. Sometimes you really creep me out. Andy: [in sumo suit, waves down a car, which swerves around him, runs after it, waving his arms] Wait! [throws sumo hair-hat at the retreating car] Michael: Andy Bernard is in first place with four hot dogs! Dwight Schrute is a close second with three and a half! Here comes Stanley! Here comes Stanley, with three hot dogs! Michael: This is an inflatable sumo suit. [blows] Now, in the olden days, when they wanted to find a guy who could be king, they would have him pull a sword out of a stone. Well, times have changed. [blows] And it's not even about who is the best sumo wrestler. It's about who is the best boss. And I don't even care who wins. [blows] It's how they wrestle in a blow-up suit... [breathes in] that will tell me all I need to know [blows] or how sumo... [collapses]

Michael: [at Dunder-Mifflin Corporate in NY] David! David: [confused] Oh, Michael? Michael: Are we all set? David: Isn't our interview tomorrow? Michael: Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop in and say hello. David: You happened to be in mid-town Mahattan? Michael: Thought I'd catch a show. David: In the middle of a work day? Michael: Naaah. You know what? Since I'm here, let me ask you a few questions about the job. David: Okay. Michael: Um, how many people are you interviewing? David: We're only interviewing the branch managers and some other upper level company people. Michael: Ah, well, good. Out of curiosity are you interviewing anyone who has been here longer than I have, or manages more people? David: I don't think so. Michael: Great. One more... question. When you merged those branches who did you put in charge? David: I believe we put you in charge. Michael: Ah, great. No further questions. David: Okay, Michael. Michael: Okay. David: I'm really looking forward to our interview. Michael: And I'm really looking forward to working with you. Michael: I got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. [on cell phone] Hey, Pam yeah, I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York accidentially. I'll be like three hours late. Kevin: [Jim walk through the door sporting an obvious new haircut] Hey. Jim: Hey, Kev. Kevin: What's different about you? You look worse. Jim: Thank you. Meredith: You got a haircut. It's sexy, hot. Jim: Ohhh... Meredith: Turn around. Jim: No. Meredith: Yes. Jim: No way. Meredith: Do it! Andy: Blup-dup-do. What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut. Jim: [exhales loudly] Andy... Andy: What is it, Big Haircut? Jim: Nothing. Andy: Sorry, I can't hear you Big Haircut. Jim: Yup. Andy: What? Jim: Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless. Pam: Hey. I think it looks great. Jim: Thanks, Pam. Pam: After I had my little outburst at the beach, Jim was really nice about it. He just basically said that he missed my friendship too and I would always mean a lot to him and I understand where he's coming from. For the record, I am not embarassed at all. It needed to be said, and I said it, and it only took me three years to summons the courage, so [quietly, and mock bowing] thank you. Michael: [knock on door] Yeah. Dwight: You wanted to see me? Michael: Yes, the time has come to name my own replacement. So please hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K. Schrute. Dwight: But that's my name. [opens letter and reads] Dwight, congratuations a-wipe. Don't screw the pooch. [begins to cry] Thank you. Michael: Okay. Uh... Dwight: [cries harder] Thank you, Michael. Michael: Uh, okay. Dwight: [sobbing, holding letter to chest] Thank you so much. Michael: Stop crying. Dwight: [sobbing] Thank you. Michael: Ohhhhh... Pam: Hey. Karen: Hey. Pam: Um, about the beach... Karen: It's okay, we all say things without thinking. Pam: Oh, no it's not that, I've actually been thinking that for a long time, and I'm glad I said it. I just... I'm sorry if it made you feel weird. Karen: [confused] Oh. Okay. Karen: Pam is... kind of a bitch. Karen: Hey, what if we leave tonight? Grab a bite, get a hotel room, enjoy the city a little bit. Jim: Ahhh... just have so much paperwork to do. [exhales] Wow. Done. Okay, let's do it. Jim: So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early 'cause we want to spend the night in the city. Michael: Why so you can do it? Karen: [looks annoyed] Jim: Whoops. Michael: No, um, well I was thinking that uh, actually we could all leave tomorrow and do a convoy you know? Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger... Jim: Hmmm. Karen: Heh. Michael: Moon each other. Jim: Ah, we're gonna go tonight, but we're gonna see you there tomorrow morning, right? Michael: All right. Jim: All right. Michael: Your loss. Karen: Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving? Michael: Cruise control. Karen: Oh. Kevin: So Jim, who do you think is hotter? Pam or Karen? Jim: Yeah, I'm not going to talk about this now. Kevin: Pam is taller. Jim: You sure? Kevin: Yes. She has bigger breasts, too. Jim: Wow. Kevin: I think Karen has a prettier face. Jim: Uh, hmm. [thinking] Uh, hmm. What else? Kevin: Well I mean Pam's face is really pretty too. It's a very tough call. Jim: Hm. Really tough call. Kevin: Yeah. Jim: You know what? Why don't you take the rest of the day, figure it out and then come back and tell me what you got. Kevin: Will do. Jim: All right. [smiles] Oscar: Hey, Pam I've been meaning to say something to you. I really miss our friendship. [group laughs] Pam: Wow, very funny. Stanley: I've never heard you talk that much. I thought it was Kelly. Kelly: Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam. Pam: [smiles] Meredith: You know what? Don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said. Creed: I remember. I blogged the whole thing. Creed: www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out. Ryan: Last year Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the intranet it's... pretty shocking. Michael: There they are, the Accounting Department. I shall miss your humility and your promptly printed checks. Kevin: Do you think it's gonna to be weird working with Jan in New York? Michael: No. Not at all. I haven't talked to Jan since we broke up, and I think if she had something to say she would have called me. Oscar: Maybe you should talk to her? Before... Michael: No, no, no. You know what? It's a done deal. I basically have the job already. There's nothing she can do to stop it now. I already sold my condo. Oscar: Michael... Kevin: What? Angela: Why? Oscar: I'm sorry, that just doesn't make sense. Michael: Yes, I... Angela: Wha? Who gave you that advice? Kevin: Yeah, Michael you should never sell your condo... Michael: I have to buy another place. Angela: But you said you were in debt. [crosstalk] Oscar: You're not sure that you have the job. Michael: I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time. Dwight: How would you like to spend the night with the Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton? Angela: No Dwight, I don't care if that is how they consolidated power in ancient Rome. Dwight: No, no, not Michael. [whispers] Me. I'm taking his job. Angela: [smiles] Not now. [Dwight leaves] Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor. Dwight: [squeezing hand grips] Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim: Oh hey, Dwight. Dwight: I am gonna be your new boss. [laughs] It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never. Jim: Does my room have cable? Dwight: No. And the sheets are made of fire. Jim: Can I change rooms? Dwight: Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town. Jim: Can I have a late checkout? Dwight: I'll have to talk to the manager. Jim: You're not the manager even in your own fantasy? Dwight: I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan! Jim: Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil? Dwight: Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet. Jim: Go. Dwight: Eighty thousand dollars a year. Dwight: Once I'm officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified. Andy: [signing interview sheet] I will see you at the inter-view. Dwight: Yes you will. Michael: Who is D. Abramson? Pam: He's from that company in Pitts... Jan: [walks through front door] Michael. Michael: Why... are you here? Jan: Uh, how are you? Michael: I'm good. How are you, Janet? It's good to see you. Jan: I'm great. Uh, can we, can we talk... privately... for a minute? Michael: Why privately? Jan: I just, [quietly] I uh... I don't uh... I, I don't, I don't like the way that we left things. Michael: Okay, sure, fine. Um, why don't you wait in my office. I have some important business matters to take care of. Jan: Okay. Michael: Okay. Michael: Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem. Pam: What do you want me to do? Michael: Uh, I may need some immediate assistance. If you would slowly and quietly gather the ladies in the conference room. Phyllis, Angela, Karen. Pam: What about Meredith? Michael: No. She's an alternate. Michael: So, how you been? Jan: Been good. Michael: Good. Jan: Good. Michael: Yeah. Jan: Sorry to drop by unexpectedly. I uh, I tried calling, but I kept getting voice mail. Michael: Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages. Pam: So, um, Michael needs us in the conference room. Karen: Cause of Jan again? Karen: Hey, uh, before I leave tonight, would you mind making a half a dozen copies of Jim's and my sales reports for our interviews tomorrow? Pam: Uh, sure. Karen: Thanks. Pam: I really hope you get the job. Karen: Thanks. [looks suspicious] Jan: After you ended... everything with us, I went on a vacation. Michael: Hmm. Jan: To kinda clear my mind. Michael: Sound good. Sounds fun. Jan: It was. Yeah, it was good. [laughs] I think I'll just get right to the point, you know? Um, I, I feel good about myself for the first time in a really long time. Michael: Hmm.. Jan: I've made some big changes in my life and... I miss you. I want us to get back together. Michael: Would you excuse me for a second? Jan: Ohh... [Michael leaves and walks into conference room] Michael: Defcon twenty. She wants to get back together. Phyllis: What are you gonna do? Michael: I don't know, that's why you're here, help me. Please... Karen: Do you want to get back together with her? Michael: No, no. What do I do? Pam: Just don't get back together with her. Michael: What if she makes me? Angela: How can she make you get back together with her? Michael: She made me do a lot of things I didn't wanna do. Pam: This was a terrible relationship. You were not happy when you were with her. Michael: I wasn't. Pam: You're so much happier now. Just go in there and be strong. Michael: You're right. You're absolutely right. I'm gonna go in there and tell her that we can't be together. Pam: Right. Michael: Wow. Karen: Do it. Michael: I'm in a very good place right now. Thank you. Michael: [walks back into office with Jan] Okay. [clears throat] Jan, we need to talk. [Jan turns revealing that she has had her breasts enlarged] Michael: Jan is in a different place right now, and it is a sign of maturity to give people second chances. So I am going to hear her out. Pam: Oh my God. [mouths to Jim] Jim: Yeah, bigger actually. Pam: [whispers] That's crazy! Jim: Mm-hm. Pam: [mouths] Wow! Karen: [moves to block Jim from Pam's eyeline] Oh my God. Can you believe that? Jim: Unbelievable. Karen: Wow! Jim: She could put the cup right there. Karen: I know! Pam: No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around... that Meredith: I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front. Kevin: I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers. Creed: I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots. Jan: So... [exhales] there are a lot of things that I would like to do differently. Michael: Yeah. Jan: I feel like, when we first got together, that I had a problem with my priorities. Michael: First got priorities. Jan: And if we could talk about a way to approach a possible reconciliation... Michael: Let's get back together. [Jan smiles and laughs] Michael: No. No, no, no, no. I'll tell you this, it is Dwight: Okay, everyone, listen up! [claps] Time to begin the interview process! [looks at sign-up sheet, only contains Andy's name] Andrew Bernard. Andy: Saving the best for first! Karen: All right, you guys. See you later, wish us luck! Dwight: No! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Do not wish them luck. Do not wish them luck. All luck must be wished unto Michael. Oscar: Good luck, you guys! [everyone wishes them luck] Dwight: What did I say!? Pam: [to Jim] Good luck. Jim: Thanks. Pam: I'm happy for him. I hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche. And I know saying it sounds cliche, sounds cliche... Maybe I'm being cliche. I don't care. Cause I am what I am. [thinks] That's Popeye. Dwight: I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity. What is the best color? Andy: White, because it contains all other colors. Dwight: Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table? Andy: You make a chair, but you don't sit on it. Dwight: What is the capital of Maine? Andy: The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York, where I went to Cornell. Dwight: Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk. Don't wanna hear about it. Forget your personal history, and learn the history of this company. Andy: Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended. Dwight: You're not off to a very good start, Bernard. Andy: I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say? Andy: I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous. Dwight: [Andy and Dwight arm-wrestle, Andy is about to win] Time! No, you failed. Andy: Damn it! Dwight: This interview is over. I'll let you know. Karen: [Driving to New York] Hey, thank you so much for driving me down for my interview. Jim: Totally, no problem. What are you interviewing for, by the way, my assistant? Or... Karen: Oh, you know I'm gonna have a congratulations Karen party um, tomorrow night at my friend's house. Jim: Oh wow, that sounds like fun. Is your friend named Karen too? What did she accomplish? Karen: No, I'm sorry I should have been clearer. It's for me. Jim: Oh... Karen: Cause I'm going to get the job. Michael: [holding Jan's breasts] Remarkable. Jan: Thanks. Michael: Wait, wait. Check one more time. Jan: Oh, okay. Michael: Very good [Jan nods] Jan: Well, I um, I have to get back, but I will see you in New York tomorrow, right? Michael: Yes, indeed. Jan: Good luck with your interview. [whispers] Bye. Michael: So, I guess we're getting back together. Pam: What happened? Michael: Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger. Michael: Here's the sitch. Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly. We didn't connect, I was miserable. Now, I'm in the best relationship of my life with the same woman. Love is a mystery. Karen: So we have all night. Where do you want to go first? Jim: Oh, I dunno, how about the U.N.? Karen: How often do you come here? Jim: Um, everytime my sixth grade class has a field trip. Karen: I think you'll really enjoy this, adult Jim. Michael: Hey, everybody. The next time you see me, I'll be working for corporate. Starting tomorrow, Dwight Schrute will be running the branch. So without further ado, [clicks on small tape player] I would like to start saying my goodbyes [Song: Thank You, by Natalie Merchant plays in background] Okay. Goodnight, and good luck. Dwight: [Dwight clicks off tape player] Who's ready to work? Jim: [Karen punches buttons on an ATM] Yeah, we went to the Spotted Pig for dinner. It's in the Village. Uh, Karen knew it. And then we second acted Spamalot. That's when you sneak in at intermission with all the smokers. And then we went to a bar that used to be a church. Oh and at this one bar, I swear I saw Lorne Michaels. Karen: That wasn't him. [Jim nods, mouths, yes, it was] Karen: So what's going to happen to us when I get this job? Jim: Oh do you mean when I get the job? Karen: Well, Jim: You mean Kevin? Karen: Exactly. But you get it, right? Can't stay there. Jim: Yeah, I do. C'mon. [they hold hands and cross street] Michael: [exhales] How are you guys doing? Need anything? Karen: Uh, no, we're good. Thanks. Michael: I have been here a bunch of times, so I know where everything is, know everybody's names. If you need to know somebody's name, just ask me. Jim: [points at bearded man] Who's that? Michael: That Jim: Beardy? Michael: Mm-hmm. Jim: I'm gonna introduce myself. Michael: No, no, no, just... that's not his real name. That's just what I call him, so... Michael: I am by far the most qualified person they're interviewing. Jim and Karen are here, which is cute. They're like, kid actors tagging along with daddy, on the big audition, hoping to be discovered. Except daddy... is the best actor around. Daddy is Meryl Streep. Dwight: Michael is gone. Andy: Hail to the chief! Dwight: My first order of business: make Andrew Bernard my number two. Andy: My first order of business: accept. Dwight: As if you had a choice. [scoffs] Duh. [scoffs] Opportunity of a lifetime. [spits chew into Michael's World's Best Boss mug] Andy: Three months ago, I was nowhere. I was just a Cornell grad, in anger management. Look where I am now. Not bad. [washing out Michael's mug] Michael: Hey! Hunter! Wha's up my brutha? This is Hunter, secretary extraordinaire. Hunter: Uh, administrative assistant. Michael: Jan in yet? Hunter: I think she's comin' in... later. Michael: Could you give her a message for me, when she gets in? Hunter: Sure. Michael: Just say, 'I want to squeeze them.' It's code. She'll know what it means. Hunter: Okay. Michael: Oh, and Hunter? Could you tell her, [Michael shakes his head and makes the 'motorboat' noise] 'Brbrbrbrbr!' also? Dwight: You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk. Even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession. Pam: Thank you. Dwight: I had to make Andy my number two. It's political, complicated, you wouldn't understand. I want you... to be Assistant Regional Manager. Pam: Really? Dwight: Well, in a sense. Although, publicly I am going to retain the Assistant Regional Manager position. Pam: You will be your own assistant. Dwight: Correct, I need someone I can trust. But I would also like the title... to be secretly applied to you. Just stripped of its pomp and frills. Pam: Okay. So... you would be the Regional Manager, Dwight: Mmmmmm, let's call it Secret Assistant Pam: Mm-hmm. Dwight: Do you accept? Pam: Absolutely, I do. Pam: I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, 'Absolutely, I do.' Michael: [knocks on door] Hello, hello! David: Michael, good to see you! Michael: Good to see you. Here are the post-merger performance stats that you asked for. David: Oh, great. I've been meaning to thank you by the way. You didn't lose a single customer during the merger, and you still managed to trim the budget? That is nice work. [Michael smiles] So, let me ask you a question right off the bat. What do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager? Michael: Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard. I care too much. And sometimes I can be too invested in my job. David: Okay. And your strengths? Michael: Well, my weaknesses are actually... strengths. David: Oh. Yes. Very good. Michael: Thank you. David: Very good. Phyllis: Dwight is our new boss. Oscar: Oh, Michael's not going anywhere. Pam: Then who do you think will get the job? Kevin: Karen. She looks corporate. Those little pants suits. Phyllis: I think it's gonna be Michael. Oscar: Do you really think he's qualified for that job? Phyllis: No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now, and he got that one. Oscar: [laughs] Mm. Yeah. Dwight: Listen up! Come to the center of the room, please. This... [holds up paper that resemles a sheet sized dollar bill with Dwight's face in the middle] is a Schrute Buck. When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute Buck. One thousand Schrute Bucks... equals an extra five minutes for lunch. Pam: [raises hand] What is the cash value of a Schrute Buck? Dwight: Excellent question, Pam. 1/100th of a cent. Oscar: So ten Dwight: Just... zip your lid! Another announcement. Michael wasted an enormous amount of the group's time and patience with non-work related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft-minded dogoodedness. No longer. No more meetings! Stanley: Amen. Dwight: Instead, today I will begin my first lecture in a long series of lectures designed to increase your knowledge on the world of paper. Kevin: [raises hand] Do we have to? Dwight: Yes! Michael is gone. There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is 'me.' Conference room! Ten seconds! All of you! Pam: I literally cannot wait to see what Dwight has planned. And I wish Jim were here. David: What do you think we could be doing better? Michael: I've never been a big fan of the name Dunder Mifflin. I was thinking we could name the company something like, 'Paper Great. Where great paper is our passion. We're GRRRRRRRRRREAT!' I don't know, could be good. Or, uh, 'Super Duper Paper. It's super duper.' I don't know, something like that. David: Okay! Michael: Okay. David: Thanks for comin' in, Michael. Michael: Thank you. David: It is always a treat when our paths cross. Michael: It is always a treat when David: You're back together. Michael: Yes. And I am very excited about the prospect of working under her... or on top of her. [laughs] Mm, that's not sexual, just... we're all professionals. David: Okay, uh. Well, I thought it was clear in the description, the position... the job you're applying for... is Jan's job. Michael: I don't understand. So, we're gonna tag team it? David: No, we're letting Jan go. Dwight: Listen up. Let's start... from the ground Kevin: [at the same time as Dwight] Trees. Dwight: Trees! And where do trees grow? Kevin: [at the same time as Dwight] Forest. Dwight: Soil. Right. We have, in front of you here, seven different types of Pennsylvania top soil. Now, what would you say... is the most important element in the production of above ground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? [Angela smiles, shakes her head 'no'] Wrong! It's nitrogen! Absorb this information. Good! Now, let us discuss precipitation. Stanley! When rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous... state? Stanley: Liquid. Dwight: Very good! You have earned one Schrute Buck. Stanley: I don't want it. Dwight: Then you have been deducted 50 Schrute Bucks! Stanley: Make it 100. Dwight: We- Don't you wanna earn Schrute Bucks? Stanley: No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again. Dwight: What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks? Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns. Dwight: Okay- Andy: That's it! Dwight: What- Andy: Class is canceled, everybody out! Dwight: No wait, what are you doing?! Andy: I'm punishing them. Dwight: No, no, no, wait! Class is not canceled. Everyone: [grumbling, getting loud] Pam: HEY! COME ON! Let's listen to Dwight's presentation! [Dwight winks at Pam] Oscar: What- What are you winking for? Dwight: Zip your lid! Karen: So, that's... my basic 5 year plan. And after that, who knows? David: Okay. Uh, now, this may seem like an odd question, but... Karen: Yeah? David: ...what do you think about Michael Scott? Karen: He's a very nice man. And he's very well suited for the job he has now. David: This is off the record. Karen: He would be disaster. Jan: Hey you! Michael: Hey. Jan: How was your interview? Michael: Pretty good. Jan: Yeah? Michael: Could have gone better I guess. Jan: Oh. [they kiss] I'll put in a good word for you. Michael: Cool. Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later. Jan: What? Michael: Daaah, let's just run away together. Let's just run away to Jamaica and live in a bungalow. You have some savings right? You could pay off my debts. It would... be fine. We'd have fun. Jan: What's... what's the matter? What... what happened in there? Michael: I can't tell you. Jan: Tell me what? Jan: You son of a bitch! David: Jan, this isn't the time, we're in an interview- Jan: You're David: Frankly, it's overdue. Your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic. Jan: Erratic? David: Recently, you don't even show an interest in your work! You smoke constantly in your office. You spend most of the day online shopping. You disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days. Always saying you're visiting your sister in Scottsdale. You go to Scranton far more often than you used to- Jan: [opens up her overcoat] Is it because of these? Michael: Wuuuoooh, hey, whoa, Jan- Jan: No, I wanna know. I wanna know! Because if it is, then, then, then I will see you in court! David: It's not. Jan: No? David: It's not. Jan: Cause he likes them. [points to Michael] Okay? He likes them. And, and that is, that is all I care about. David: The time has come for you to end your professional relationship with this company. You are clearly unstable. Michael: Hey! Jan: Yeah! Michael: No- We're all unstable. Jan: Okay, you know what? I'm just not leaving. I'm not leaving. Not leaving. Michael: David, I did not tell her. Andy: It's like staring into my soul, when I look at this wall. Dwight: It's like outerspace without the stars, it's so black. [laughs] Andy: This is gonna look so awesome! Dwight: It's so intimidating! Anyone who comes in here... is gonna have to take me seriously. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here! Andy: [laughs] Totally! Jan: [giving a hug] Bye Hunter. Hunter: Bye. Jan: Good luck with your band. Hunter: Oh, thank- Jan: Don't let them change you, okay? [Jan drops several items, Michael and Hunter help pick them up, she starts to walk out the door] So long, [censored]. Michael: So, I am gonna... give her a ride home. Let me know about the job. David: Actually, Michael, I think we're gonna take it in another direction. Michael: Good, I'm glad we're on the same page. I have a lot of ideas for new directions. David: No, we're not giving you the job. Michael: You know what? That... is actually good... because, um, I don't think I could take... my girlfriend's job. That's not being a good boyfriend. So, I respectfully withdraw my name from consideration. Do you accept my withdrawal? David: I do. Michael: Good. Very good. I'm glad we are finally on the same page. Still have my job in Scranton, though. David: Yes. Michael: Good. That's all I ever wanted. These two. [points at Jim and Karen] Either one of them... excellent candidates. Karen: Wow. That was some serious... hardcore... self destruction. Jim: Yeah. Kinda feel bad for her though. Karen: Don't! She's nuts! [they laugh] Jim: Oh, man. You know what? This might take a while. You really don't have to stay, if you don't want. Karen: Okay, good! Because, um, a bunch of my friends are meeting downtown for lunch. And, I was gonna meet them, so... Jim: Okay. Karen: Just call me when you're done. Jim: Sure. Karen: Good luck, Halpert. Jim: Thank you. Receptionist: [phone rings, picks up] Dunder Mifflin, this is Grace. Sure. Jan: Oh, God! I mean, I just don't understand! It's just Michael: I know. I know, I'm sorry about that. That was terrible. Jan: Oh, just... No, actually I think it's good, you know? It's fine, actually, I do. I really think it's great that it happened. Because, you know, my work has always been the thing that has gotten in the way of my happiness, so... [laughs] Michael: Well, it's... [Jan starts crying, high pitched whining] No, don't cry, it's gonna be OK. Jan: [sobbing] Oh, I know, I know. It's just... I'm sorry. It's just these painkillers that I started taking since the surgery. Ohhh! They make my moods totally unpredictable! Wow! What am I gonna do? Michael: [whispers] I don't know. [normal volume] Well I guess... you could come and stay at my condo. I think I could back out of the sale. [Jan exhales] Probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile. Jan: Live together. Actually, wait a minute! This could be great! This could be perfect! You know, my full-time job could be our relationship. I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. [laughs] It could work. This could work, really! Michael: [in the office, imitating the terminator] I'll be baaaaack! And I am baaaack! Pam: How'd it go? Michael: No. No, Pam. I'm baaaaaack! For gooood! Kevin Nealon. Michael: Everybody, may I have your attention please? It is with great honor and privilege that I announce to you that I have officially withdrawn my name for consideration from the corporate job. I know, I know, I know. 'Michael, what are you thinking? You were a shoe in.' Well, got down there. I nailed the interview. And the strangest thing happened. Why is my office black? Dwight: To intimidate my subordinates. Michael: That's stupid. Dwight: It was Andy's idea. Michael: You shouldn't have taken it. Bad management! Good thing I'm baaaaaack. [laughs] Ryan, coffee. Ryan: I don't do that stuff anymore. Michael: No, it's for me, bimbo. Kids. Michael: So I'm back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere. This place... is like... the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my... graveyard... for my bones. Pam: Did... Karen get the job? Michael: [to everyone] Back to work. [to Ryan] Still waitin' on that coffee. Dwight: Pam, hello. Pam: Dwight, hello. Dwight: I wanted to thank you... for helping me, when you held the title, Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager. You served the office with great dignity. [Pam salutes Dwight, Dwight returns the salute] Pam: No, I don't know what the future holds, but... I'm optimistic. And, uh, I had fun goofing around with Dwight today. Jim and I... are just... too similar. Maybe one day I'll find my own Karen. But- you- that is, a, um, you know, not- A man. A man version. But, uh, until then... I can hold my head up. ... I'm not gay. David: I don't know how I feel about hiring a Sixers fan. Jim: I should leave. [pretends to get up] [they laugh] David: Uh, let me ask you a question, Jim. You're clearly a very bright guy. Jim: Thanks. David: Always hit your numbers, personable, you make a great impression on everyone you meet- Jim: I'm sorry, wait, so is the question 'How'd I get to be so awesome?' [laughs] Because, I don't have an answer for you. [laughs] David: Uh, oh, hey, do you have your quarterly numbers? Jim: Yes, absolutely. David: And that, uh, questionnaire. Sorry to make you fill that thing out... Jim: Oh, no, absolutely. David: ...that's a HR formality. We have this very irritating HR guy here, he's probably the only person you're not gonna like. [Jim notices a small note inside his papers, it reads 'Jim, Don't forget us when you're famous! Pam' It has a gold medal yogurt lid attached.] Kendall. Ugh. So, first up... Jim: [hands David his papers] There you go. David: How do you think you function here in New York? Jim: [not thinking clearly because of Pam's note] What's that? Oh, uh, great. You know? I just um, I really appreciate the buildings, and uh, the people, and um, there's just a [sic] energy... New York has, uh... Not to mention, they have places that are open past eight. [David laughs] So that's a... bonus. David: You've been in the Scranton branch a long time. [Jim stares at Pam's note] What have you liked most about that place? Jim: [thinks] The friendships. David: Okay. Well, we want the person who takes this position to be here for the long haul. So... long haul. Where do you see yourself in ten years? Jim: [flashback to Beach Games] How are your feet? Pam: Medium rare. Thanks. [they laugh] Jim: The real reason that I went to Stamford... was because... I wanted to be... not here. Pam: I know. Jim: And even though... I came back, I just, I feel like I've never really... come back. Pam: Well, I wish you would. Pam: [phone rings, Pam answers] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just one moment, I'll transfer you. Pam: I haven't heard anything, but I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him... and, if he never comes back again... that's OK. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just, we never got the timing right. You know? I shot him down, and then he did the same to me, and... But you know what? It's OK. I'm totally fine. Everything is gonna be totally- [Jim walks in] Jim: Pam. [to camera] Sorry. [to Pam] Um, are you free for dinner tonight? Pam: Yes. Jim: All right. Then... it's a date. Pam: [to camera, tearing up, smiling] I'm sorry, what was the question? David: [on phone] So, I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty. But, after some more thought, I'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job. [laughs] Great! I'm so glad. We're all very excited you're going to be joining us. It'll be nice to have another MBA around here. Ryan: [on phone, smiling] I'm excited too. Okay. Bye. Kelly: Who was that? Ryan: [still smiling] Nobody. You and I are done. Kelly: What?! [Ryan smiles and glances at the camera] David: Where do you see yourself in ten years? Michael: Well, [clears throat] I've actually done a lot of thinking about that. And in ten years, I am living in a big house, with my kids. And in this house we have screens on the walls that have famous art on them and I have a remote that works everything, that has like a belt-loop attachment, or in my ear, like a gluetooth. And, because it's the future, I can take just a little tiny pill and get all my vitamins for the whole day. David: A... multivitamin? Michael: Well, I don't know what it's gonna be called, but... my point is, the future of this company is now. And the future... is me. Phyllis: Michael, what happened? Michael: Jan got fired. And I realized that I could not work for a company that would fire my girlfriend. But more than that, I realized that... I couldn't take a job that would take me away from this place. This is where I belong. This is... my home. And home is where the hardest. Oscar: Home is where the Michael: Heart is. That makes a lot more sense. You think they'd help each other out like that at corporate? [Oscar shrugs] I think not! Kelly: Well, if Michael gets the job, I will be so upset, because Dwight used to have a crush on me, so if he's boss, it'll be really awkward. Pam: Mmm-hmm. [nods] Kelly: But if Jim gets it, you should be happy, because you have a crush on him, and he totally doesn't feel the same way, and then he'll be gone. Pam: Yeah, well, you know, whatever happens. [Kelly puts her hand on Pam's shoulder] Oh. Kelly: Pam, he's just not that into you. Pam: Oh, I know. We talked about it and he told me. Kelly: No, seriously Pam, wake up. Pam: Okay. Pam: Kelly made me realize something. She and I have... nothing in common. And I need more friends. Dwight: Define scorched earth policy. Andy: When an attacker goes through another country sometimes they wi... Dwight: Nyah ah! Too long! What is the Dharma Initiative? Andy: It is the source of all energy on this planet. Dwight: Wrong. It is a corporation formed by aliens. Andy: I'm a very good interviewee. Why? Because I have something that nobody else has. And that is... my brain. Which makes me charming, witty, intelligent... [long pause] and quick on my feet. Dwight: Who was the second man on the moon? Andy: Trick question. There was no second man on the moon. Dwight: Inventor of the cotton gin. Andy: Eli Edison. Dwight: Talk me through an appendectomy. Andy: Step 1, disinfection. Step 2, incision. Step 3, remove the appendix tenderly so it doesn't burst and spread toxic...icity everywhere. Dwight: Step 5, [talking over Andy, indistinct] ...the wound. Andy: Re-suture. Sutures, yes. Dwight: When is the Paleolithic Age? Andy: 17 B.C. Dwight: What is a scented candle? Dwight: How is the new boss? Tough. Do people respect him? They have to. Do they like him? Irrelevant. They do not. And I hate them back. Michael: New York real estate. I started by looking for a brownstone, like the Huxtables had, [shakes head] but instead I found this very, very, nice place in Jamaica, Queens, mon. It is on the last stop of the subway, which is wonderful, because if I fall asleep, I still end up at home. It is a suh-weeeet one bedroom. I have a roommate, uh, Vijay Chokalingham, he's a sophomore at Queens College. He actually works in the Indian restaurant right below the apartment, so... free food, and the place always smells like curry. So, win/win.

Michael: Ok, well I did not get the job in New York, but I got the real prize, domestic bliss. Jan made me breakfast this morning... well she bought the milk. It's soy. [walks into bedroom, Jan sleeping on bed] This is why I do it, that's what I have to come home to. [sighs] She probably won't be up for a few hours. Michael: This is going to be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protege Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff. Um... Andy and Dwight are rockin' the sales team. I feel very blessed. [slams on breaks, camera turns, Meredith rolls off the hood] IT Tech Guy: You know generally it's not a good idea to click on offers that you haven't requested. What was the exact offer? Pam: It was for a video. IT Tech Guy: Yeah, what kind of video? Pam: A celebrity sex tape. Jim: Really, what kind of celebrity? Pam: Not relevant. Jim: How much did you pay for it? Pam: Not relevant. Jim: You paid for it? Pam: It all happened so fast. Jim: I broke up with Karen after the job interview, and uh... it was a little awkward when she came back from the city. She told me, very clearly, just because we were broken up didn't mean she was going anywhere, because she worked really hard for her career. But the next day her desk was empty, and as for me and my current romantic life, I uh... I'm single now and looking, so if you know anybody. Pam: Jim and I went to dinner a few times when he got back from New York. I talked him through his break up. It's really nice to be good friends again. Kevin: Are you kidding me, Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile; they're just keeping it a secret. Right? [looks at Oscar] Oscar: I don't know, there is no evidence of intimacy. They've been in remarkably good moods. It could be other things. Kevin: Are you kidding me? Pam: And Sunday I'm thinking of going to that flea-market at the drive-in. Jim: Oh that sounds fun. I'm mountain biking on Sunday. On Montage Mountain. Pam: Cool. Jim: Yeah. Pam: Well have fun with that. Michael: Ladies and Gentlemen. I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car. Jim: What? Dwight: Where? Michael: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital, and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could... And she is going to be OK. Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that? Oscar: So she's really going to be fine? Michael: Yes. She has a slight pelvical fracture, but, ah... people have survived far worse. Pam: Thank God you were there. Michael: Yeah. Andy: Did you see who did it? Dwight: No need we can just check the security tapes. Michael: Gah. Kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her. Jim: Who was driving? Pam: Oh, Michael. Jim: One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then. Dwight: It's only Meredith. Michael: Yeah, it's only Meredith, thank God. But did you see the way they looked at me? Like I was a murderer or something. Dwight: Hey... Why did you do it? Michael: It was an accident. Dwight: Was she talkin' back? Michael: No. Dwight: Did you get sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh. Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances? Pam: Hey guys, we're all gonna visit Meredith at lunch. And we're kicking in $5 for flowers. Kevin: Who's we, you and Jim? Pam: No, uh, me Stanley and Phyllis so far. Kevin: Oh, I bet Jim goes too. Pam: Yeah, I haven't asked him yet. Kevin: Oh, I bet you ask? Pam: I was planning on it. Kevin: I bet you were. Pam: Angela? Oscar: [whispers to Kevin] Subtle. Kevin: What Pam: [to Angela] Are you coming? Angela: I can't, Sprinkles is sick. Angela: She's been sick for some time. Thank you for asking, no one asks... about Sprinkles. Angela: I have to give her her meds, I have to pet her, and who will she eat lunch with? Pam: Can't your other cats keep her company. Angela: There's bad blood, jealousies, cliques. Pam: Angela, you're the chairman of the party planning committee. I shouldn't even be planning this, it's your job. Angela: [sighs] All right! Michael: My lord my liege. Ryan: Yes Michael? Michael: So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton I am still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog or a fish? Michael: So I need a little treat for the gang. Something to win their affections back. Ryan: Back? Why is that Michael? Michael: Well, I ran down Meredith in my car. Ryan: Oh! Did you do this on purpose? Michael: No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital, she's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in... Ryan: Did this happen on company property? Michael: Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so... double jeopardy, we are fine. Ryan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works. Michael: Oh, right, I'm sorry. What is: we are fine? Ryan: [sigh] Ryan: People keep calling me a 'Wunderkind'; I don't even know what that means. I mean, I know what it means, it means very successful for your age, so I guess it makes sense, but... it's a weird word. Angela: Hey D. Dwight: Hey monkey, what's up? Angela: Can you do me a little favor? Go to my place at lunch and give Sprinkles her medicine. Dwight: Sure. Angela: I have to visit the alchy. Dwight: Check to see if she's faking. If a car hit me, it wouldn't crack my pelvis. You know what; I bet she cracked it at home. Jumped in front of the car to get some workers comp. Angela: I wouldn't put it past her. Dwight: So what do you need me to do? Angela: I wrote it out. Dwight: Mm-hmm. Angela: There's a diabetes shot, roll the insulin in your hand, don't shake it. She gets an ace inhibitor with her meal, but you have to put her right in front of the dish or she won't see it because of the cataracts. Mix one capsule of omega fatty acid in with her kidney medicine, um... and you want to give that to her 15 minutes after she's eaten. And, oh and there's a fungal cream because she has this infection under her tail, so you're gonna have to lift her tail and put the cream right at the base of her tail. Michael: Ok, I have an announcement. Oscar: You pushed Darryl out the window? Michael: No. Phyllis: You shot Dwight? Michael: No! That is not funny, I love my employees, even thought I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable tragedy, and onto more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree. Jim: Oh good, so we don't have to work. Pam: OK, we're leaving for the hospital at 1. Michael: So, like a freedom tree. Pam: I can take 3 people. Jim: I can also take 3 people. Oscar: [to Kevin] Separate cars. Michael: Pam. Pam: Alright, I will get a card at the hospital and we'll sign it outside her room. Michael: Pam. Pam: Sales people can go later in the day. Hourly works can go at lunch. Michael: Ok, good good, so we'll just all go down there together at lunch. Pam: I... Michael: Excellent! Pam: I was thinking that we... Michael: Good work Pam. Pam: But... Michael: Yaaaaaay, Pam! Alright, since I am the boss I will drive as well. Who wants shotgun? Stanley: You can't be serious. You ran a woman over this morning. Michael: Everyone inside the car was fine, Stanley! Michael: Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make. Michael: Eww. I hate hospitals. In my mind they are associated with sickness. Oh... She looks like an angel. Kelly: She looks awful. Michael: No... OK, she always looks like that... That is not my fault. Jim: I think she's awake. Michael: No... She's in a coma. Nurse: No. Michael: OK... Meredith, [hauntingly] Ooooohhhhh. I brought all your friends from the office dear. Meredith: At the same time. Michael: Yeah. Stanley: Hello Meredith. Meredith: This is weird. Michael: Brought you some balloons. Why don't we... here you go. [wraps them around her IV] Tie these up, cheer up your tubes... [IV pops out] Oh! Shhhh... For God's sake! Kevin: Whoa! Michael: Nurse. Meredith: No don't bother the nurse, just put it back in. Michael: [groaning] I am going to be sick... I'm gonna puke. Jim: I wouldn't... I wouldn't worry about it. Don't touch it. Nurse: What, what are you doing? Just gimme that. Meredith: Thanks. Kevin: [applauds] Phyllis: Does it hurt terribly? Meredith: No, it's not too bad. They have me on a lot of painkillers. Creed: Oh really, what kind? Codeine, Vicodin, Percocet, Fentanyl, Oxycontin, Palladone? What... Meredith: I have no idea. Creed: Oh. [laughs] Meredith: Well it was really great of all of you to come and visit me at the same time. I'll see you guys at the office. Michael: Oh, OK... Wait up, wait up, guys guys guys, hold on a second. You know what I was thinking might be sort of fun? Is if you forgave me in front of everybody. Meredith: Michael, I'm not gonna do that. Michael: Cause you know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness? Forgiveness is next to Godliness. Angela: No, that's not. That's next to cleanliness. Michael: Well, just shhhh... just just... Meredith: You cracked my pelvis Michael: Look, I just... I don't understand what is preventing you from laughing this off and giving me a big hug. Meredith: You're not forgiven. Michael: Come on. [starts to climb onto the bed with meredith. Pam: Michael! Michael! Meredith: [screams] Michael: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised. Angela: Hey. Dwight: Hey monkey. Angela: Any problems? Dwight: Well you left the TV on, and your cat is dead. Angela: What!? Dwight: Sparkles, the white one, is dead. Angela: Sprinkles. Dwight: That was the sick one, right? Angela: Uh-huh. But I thought she had more time. Dwight: No. Angela: Did she look... When you saw her how was she looking? Dwight: Really dead. Like a... just a dead cat. Angela: [sobbing] Dwight: So... Hey come on, don't be sad, just... OK... just. She's in a better place. Angela: Alright. Dwight: Actually the place that she's in is the freezer, because of the odor. Angela: [still sobbing] Pam: [to Angela] It's gonna be OK. Michael: OK, you know what? Everybody, let's just get over the whole Meredith thing. She cracked her pelvis, a tiny little crack. She going to be fine, so let's just... Pam: Michael, Angela's cat died. Michael: Sprinkles? Angela: [nods] Michael: [sighs] Oh, sh... I'm sorry Angela. Man what a day huh? How could it get any worse? Her computer crashes with the porn, and then Meredith with the accident, and then... Sprinkles! God, that's 3 things. I'll tell you what's going on. This office is cursed, and we need to do something about it. Michael: Well, I am taking responsibility. It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I'm not superstitious, but... I'm... I am a little-stitious. Michael: Did anyone do anything involving an Indian burial ground? Oscar: Like what? Michael: Like park on it. Or dig up a body... Toby? Anything you want to tell us? Toby: No, I did not violate an Indian burial ground. In fact I had some good luck recently, Alfredo's Pizza, picked my business card out of the basket, so... uh, I got a week of free pies. Pam: That's cool. Toby: Yeah. Michael: Perfect. So our tragedy is your good luck. Satan. Angela: Sprinkles never hurt a soul. God in your infinite wisdom how could you do this? She wasn't ready. She had so much left to accomplish. Dwight: She's only a cat. Angela: You never... you don't like them. Dwight: Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat. Oscar: Dwight please! Michael: Dwight, you haven't seen Meredith yet, have you? Dwight: No, I have not. Michael: Well, I think you should go to the hospital, and pay your respects. Dwight: I do not respect her, but I will go. Michael: Alright, I would now like to talk about each of your individual religious beliefs. Toby: Oh, Michael, you can't ask about religious beliefs... Michael: Satan is a master of lies. Everything he says is the opposite. Toby: Alright, well then you can ask about religious beliefs. Michael: Thank you for the permission. Psych! Alright let's just go around the room, and tell me what you believe in. Stanley: I'm... um, Catholic. Michael: OK. Darryl: Presbyterian. Michael: Alright. Pam: Oh me too. Darryl: Oh? Pam: [puts hand up for high five] Same religion. Darryl: Alright! [high fives Pam] Phyllis: I'm a Lutheran and Bob's a Unitarian. It keeps things spicy. Angela: That's why we're cursed. Creed: I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader. Michael: Kelly, you are Hindu, so you believe in Buddha. Kelly: That's Buddhist. Michael: Are you sure? Kelly: No. Michael: What are you? IT Tech Guy: Well if you're going to reduce my identity to my religion then I'm Sikh, but I also like Hip-hop and NPR, and I'm restoring a 1967 Corvette in my spare time. Michael: OK, 1 Sikh, and... Dwight: As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for 2 days. You tell me what's unethical. Dwight: Blink once if you want me to pull the plug. Meredith: Don't pull any plugs. Intern: How are you doing Ms. Palmer? Meredith: Better. Intern: Excellent. Dwight: Are you a doctor, or a male nurse? Intern: Um... I'm an intern, which makes me a doctor, but... Dwight: Pfft... Her chart doesn't indicate that she had a hysterectomy but she did, or at least she got time off for one. Intern: Ah, so uh... so that is where her uterus went... Um, Ms. Palmer, your last tetanus shot was when you were bitten by a bat a few months ago? Meredith: Yes. Dwight here, trapped it in a bag against my head. Dwight: Just doing my job. Intern: It also says you were recently bitten by a raccoon? Meredith: And a rat. Separate occasions. Michael: You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you, and then you run over one person with your car. [sighs] And it's not even one of the popular ones, and everybody gets on your case. Doesn't make any sense... God is dead. Kelly: If there was a God then Ryan and I would be married by now. Michael: Maybe believing in God was the mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe there's some sort of animal, that we could make a sacrifice too. Like a giant buffalo, or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat. Or just... the head of a monkey, with the antlers of a reindeer, with, ah... the body of a porcupine. Jim: I will do some research. Pam: I can help you with that. Dwight: So, just to be safe they are giving her the rabies vaccine. Michael: Oh God, Rabies? Dwight: Mm-hmm. Michael: I was in the hospital room with her. How contagious is that, is that like an STD? Dwight: No, no. You've gotta be bitten by something. Michael: This place is so cursed. Dwight: Actually the doctor said it was lucky she came in to the hospital, cause the only way to beat rabies, is to start treatment before the symptoms set in... Lock jaw. Michael: [walks out into the office] I know a lot of you are upset with me for endangering Meredith's life by hitting her, with my car. But it may make you feel a little better to know that before that happened, Dwight endangered her life, by putting a garbage bag over her head that had a bat in it. Jim: Six of one, really. Michael: Turns out Meredith has been exposed to rabies. Which is like 10 times worse than a little crack in your pelvis. Thanks to me she went to the hospital and I saved her life. Curse is broken. Curse is broken people! [Kevin claps] Oh... there is a God, and he has a plan for us after all. So go home get some rest, very very good work today. We got a lot accomplished. Michael: Is there a God? If not, what are all the churches for? And who is Jesus' dad? Kevin: [Pam walks out of the office into the parking lot alone. Kevin pops up from the back seat of his car as if spying] Oh well, if they aren't together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like PB&J. Pam Beasley and Jim. What a waste. What - A - Waste! Pam: [Pam's car pulls out of parking lot and then off to the side of the road] I told you I'm not dating anyone. And even if I was, I don't think it's anyone's business. I mean, when I do fall in love, like when it's for real, the last person I'm gonna talk about it too is a camera crew, or my co-workers. [Jim gets into the passenger side] Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever want to be. [Jim leans over and kisses Pam] Trust me, when I fall in love, you'll know. Pam: Michael Scott's Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, Meredith Palmer memorial, celebrity rabies awareness, fun run race for the cure, this is Pam. Michael: Pro-Am. Pam: Pro-Am race for the... They hung up. Michael: A woman shouldn't have to be hit by a car, to learn that she may have rabies. But that is where we are in America. And that does not sit right with me. And that is why I'm hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has largely been eradicated in the US. But not very many people know that. Stanley: [on the phone] No, rabies... Babies would be a good idea. Can I put you down for a dime? Michael: Hi Stanley, how many sponsors so far? Stanley: Zero. Michael: Come on man, gotta step it up! It's for a good cause. Jan called this morning and pledged $500.00. Andy: Isn't that your money? Michael: That... is for a good cause. Phyllis, how's the rabies quilt coming? Phyllis: Oh, it's coming. Michael: Oh, look at that, 3. Way to honor Meredith, Phyllis. Kevin: Michael? Michael: Yes. Kevin: You cannot make me run. Michael: OK. [walks away] Kevin: It is not a real charity. It's stupid Michael, and I'm not gonna do it. Michael: Alright, alright. Kevin: You didn't run for me... Michael: Shhh... Kevin: ...when I thought I had skin cancer. Michael: I know that you're probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts. Kevin: No. Michael: OK, well back in olden times, a large fat person, like this, was a person of power. A person who had money, could buy food, person of respect. Like the regional manager of the day. Whereas, someone athletic and trim, like myself, was someone who worked in the fields... And I was a peasant. Kevin: I just don't want to run. I didn't bring my sneakers or my clothes. Michael: Well, you're going to have to run, or you're going to be in a lot of trouble. It is not olden times anymore. Andy: [in bathroom] I'm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts it is a vicious circle. If you have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. So... I take precautions. [tapes a cotton ball to each nipple] Andy: Hey Angela. Hey, um... I'm sorry about your cat. [Angela starts to cry] Angela: This is Sprinkles. [holds up a picture] She was my best friend. I kept her going through countless ailments. I asked Dwight Schrute to feed her once, and she is now deceased. This is Halloween last year, [picture of Angela holding Sprinkles] just a couple of kittens [starts to cry] out on the town. Angela: Pssst. I'm having relationship problems. And since you're always having relationship problems, I thought you'd be able to give me some advice. Pam: What's wrong? Angela: I have this crazy thought, that I know is crazy. That maybe Dwight killed my cat. Pam: Hmm... Angela: When I got home, Sprinkles' body was in the freezer where Dwight said he left her, but all my bags of frozen french fries had been clawed to shreds. Pam: Ah. Angela: Something's not right. The vet's doing an autopsy. Pam: Angela, I'm sorry. Angela: Did Roy ever kill one of your cats? Pam: I'm more of a dog person. Angela: [sighs] Jim: So what's your strategy for this race? Pam: Well I'm gonna start fast. Jim: Mm-hmm. Pam: Then I'm gonna run fast in the middle. Jim: What? Pam: Then I'm gonna end fast. Jim: Why won't more people do that? [laughs] Pam: Cause they're just stupid. Jim: [looks at camera] What? Jim: [Pam and Jim watch video of their kiss on the tv] Oh, ah... No that's not... I mean that wasn't, ah... Pam: Yeah... That was um... Jim: I mean I can see how it would seem a bit like we uh... How it looks like um... I mean now a days you can edit anything, right? I mean you can edit anything to look like um... anything. Pam: Yeah, I gave him a ride home because... Jim: Right! Pam: ... We're dating. Jim: Wow! There it is. Pam: Ah, yeah. We haven't told anybody, but it's going really great. [looks at Jim] Right? Jim: It is going really great. Dwight: [Angela runs into Dwight] Oww! Angela: Shut up. Dwight: You're taking this out on me, but I was only the messenger. Angela: Oh, really? Dwight: [sighs] You'll feel better after the 5k. Exercise is good for depression. Angela: [pushes her chair into Dwight's legs] I'm not depressed I'm in grief. Michael: We have raised, almost $700.00, most of it from me and Jan. Um... when do they put that on the giant check? Or is that something that we write in later? Pam: Well a giant check costs about $200.00 to make up. I have a print shop standing by but... What do you think Michael, that's over 25% of our funds? Michael: Hmm... That's a tough decision. Um... I always imagined it with a giant check. So... Jim: Yeah, I mean I personally am definitely on board for the giant check. Pam: Giant check it is. Jim: Yeah. Michael: Yep. Dwight: Well I don't know, on the other hand it does leave less money for bat birth control. Jim: Bat birth control Dwight: Wait, this money is going to bat birth control, right Michael, that's what you told me when I contributed. Michael: You didn't contribute very much. I was also hoping to hand the giant check to a rabies doctor. And how's that been going? Pam: Not well. A doctor won't come out to collect a check for $700.00, or $500.00 if we go with the giant check. Jim: Which we are. Pam: And also there is no such thing as a rabies doctor. Michael: What about a rabies nurse? Pam: I don't think so. Jim: You know what though, I've actually seen ads for nurses that you can hire by the hour, for parties and bachelor events. Michael: That's possible. Look into that. Jim: Great, it's gonna cost a couple a hundred buck and ah... oh actually more with tips. Dwight: Maybe we should just skip the ceremony and setup a college fund for Meredith's son. Michael: Have you met that kid? He's not going to college. Pam: Michael, 5k means 5 kilometers, not 5 thousand miles. [knocks] Michael: Come in. Pam: Hey. Michael: Hey, hey, hey Pam: Oh my God. Michael: What are you doing? Pam: You said come in! Michael: No I didn't, just please don't... Pam: Oh my God. Pam: So I closed the door but the image of his... Jim: Baquette. Pam: ... dangling participle... Jim: Eww. Pam: ... still burned in my eyes. Jim: I can imagine. Pam: [Michael knocks slowly on door] Come in. Michael: May I enter the room? Pam: Yes. Or come in. Michael: See how I did that. That's the way you should enter a room. You knock and then you wait for the all clear. Jim: You couldn't have taken off all your clothes in the men's room? Michael: Yes, but I have an office, so why would I do that. Pam: On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office? Just ballpark. Michael: European offices are naked all the time. Pam: They're so not. Michael: Besides my shirt tail covered most of it so... Pam: I didn't see where it started but I saw where it ended. Jim: [sighs] Gross. Michael: That's not gross, it is the human body. What is your problem? Pam you're an artist, right? Think of me as one of your models. OK, you know what, I don't want this to detract from what we really need to be thinking about today, it's not fair to people with rabies. And that's the point, right? OK, let's go have some fun. Jim: Alright. Pam: They say if you're nervous around someone you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on... or a funny coat. Jim: [naked from chest up] Oh, I'm sorry, is this a working office, and not a French beach? Jan: OK, name please. Creed: Creed Bratton, 75 plus division. Jan: You're over 75 years old? Creed: 82 November first. How much is the prize money? Jan: There's no prize money. Creed: What, is any of this real? Michael: Check that out. [points to Toby] Look at me, I'm Toby, I'm stretching, I know what I'm doing. Why is he even here? Jan: So I heard that you were peeping on Michael. Pam: What? Look, no it was not... Jan: I don't know what your deal is, but he's mine, OK? So hands off. Michael: OK everybody, listen up. Thank you for coming. Before we get started I wanted to say a few words about this deadly disease called rabies. And I'd like you to take a look into the face of rabies. [turns around a picture of Meredith in the hospital] That should scare you. It scares me. You people need to educate yourselves. Myth: 3 Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: 4 Americans every year die from rabies. How many of you know someone who has been afflicted or affected by rabies? Show of hands. One, two, three... too many to count. It is truly the silent killer. No, it is the foaming barking killer. And it is something... Darryl what are you doing. Darryl: [feeding a squirrel] I'm giving him a peanut. Michael: No, don't give him... just, did you hear anything I said? Darryl: Look how happy he is. Michael: He's happy because he's insane. You know what, that's the perfect example of the kind of awareness we need to generate. Where's the nurse? [Elizabeth walks up in nurse's outfit] This is the reason we're here. Elizabeth: Hello Michael. Michael: Oh hey, I know you... Elizabeth? Elizabeth: Yeah. Michael: Right? Wow, very cool you went back and got your degree. I would like you to accept this check, for $340.00 made out to science. Make sure that, that gets into the right hands. Elizabeth: Great. [everyone claps] Michael: You got it? Dwight: Mm-hmm. Michael: OK, fettuccine alfredo, time to carbo-load. Michael: Just remember folks, it's not about winning, it is about finishing. Dwight: On your marks, get set... Michael: [pulls Toby's pants down] Beow! Toby: Hey! [extremely loud gunshot] Michael: On your left! Oscar: You're doing great Michael, look at you go! Creed: That's my boss! Yeah-ha baby! Michael: I am fast! I'm very fast! I'm like Forrest Gump, except I am not an idiot. [Creed, Stanley, and Oscar get into a cab] Stanley: Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause. Andy: I've walked 2 marathons. Pretty sure I can handle a 5k. Key is drafting, eliminate wind resistance. [running right behind Kevin] Pam: Yeah. [laughs] Oh we're in last place. Jim: Oh, would you look at that. Pam: Darn it. Jan: Water? Water? [Toby gabs water, drinks, then throws back at Jan] Water babe? Michael: No, no water for me. Not while rabies causes fear of water... solidarity! Jan: Michael that's irrational. Michael: Rabies victims... have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So... least I could do. Andy: Oh God! My nipples, it's starting. Creed: [Creed, Stanley, and Oscar sitting at a table] Can we get another round? Waitress: OK. Creed: Thanks. Stanley: So we've got what, another 20 minutes? Oscar: More or less. Stanley: Hmmm... Michael: That fettuccine is sitting in my stomach like a rock. Dwight: You've got nothing to worry about, I put Imodium in Toby's coffee before the race. Michael: [laughs] Excellent! ...Simpsons. Wait, Imodium or Ex-lax? Toby: I'm makin' great time. Usually I have to take a bathroom break half way through a race like this, but not today. Jim: Ooo! An estate sale. Wanna go in? Pam: I don't know I'm really committed to winning. Jim: OK, but what if I told you all the money you spend here, goes to preventing a disease that's already been cured. Pam: Mmm... Yes. Jim: That's what I thought. Pam: Yeah. Jim: Right. Let's do some good. Ryan: [Ryan looks at the phone as it rings... [Pam's voice] [You have reached the offices of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, currently the entire staff is out doing the Michael Scott, DM FM PMC rabies awareness Pro-Am fun run race... [Michael's voice] for the cure... [Pam's voice] leave a message' Ryan hangs up] Michael: [Burp] Oh God, Oh, alfredo sauce. I'm getting a stitch. [groans] Andy: [runs into the back of Kevin] Ah, God watch the nipples, Kevin. Kevin: Back off me. Dwight: How ya feeling, better? Angela: No. Dwight: Well you look cute as a button. You've worked up quite a sweat. Angela: The vet is removing all of Sprinkles organs right now and sending them to the lab. Dwight: I am a farmer Angela. Angela: What does that mean? Dwight: OK, when a farmer sees an animal that is in pain, that has no quality of life, that has no utility, a farmer does what city folk don't have the stomach to do. Angela: You did kill her!? Dwight: I... I sang her, her favorite songs. Angela: You put her in my freezer. Dwight: It was beautiful and gentle and respectful. I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep. Angela: Well then she barfed them up in the freezer and tried to get out. Dwight: Well I'm not responsible for that! Angela: You! [hits Dwight] Dwight: Hey, Oww! [looks around to onlookers] It's OK. Angela: It's OK. Dwight: It's nothing, I'm robbing her. Angela: It's nothing. Dwight: It's fine. What? Angela: How could you do that without telling me? Dwight: I thought I was helping you. I expected a hug. I took care of that cat, the best way I knew how. Angela: Cat Heaven is a beautiful place, but you don't get there if you're euthanized. Dwight: I know a great taxidermist. I'll pay to have her stuffed. Well he's not great, but he's pretty good. Angela: You don't understand. Michael: [runs by] Take bat bites seriously. Don't get bit. Dwight: Or we can have her buried out at the east field, by mother. Huh, Angela? Angela: Don't touch me Dwight! [runs off crying] Pam: [holding lamp] You like it? It's kinda designy and cool, it was $8.00. Jim: Oh, and I get to carry it. Toby: [crosses finish line] And the winner is Toby Flenderson. Kelly: Have a seat, I'll write it down. Toby: Where are we? Kelly: I dunno, like 5 kilometers from the office. Toby: He couldn't have made it a circle? Michael: [bent over] I am not going to finish. I can't beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies, rabies has been around for a thousand years. I was a fool to think that I could beat it. [Creed,Stanley, and Oscar pass by in the cab and get out at the finish line] Jim: ...talk about it. Pam: Yeah probably. Hey, Michael? Jim: What are you doing here? Did you come back for us, or... Michael: I can't finish. I feel so weak, I just... Jim: Well, you're probably dehydrated. Michael: What do you want me to do Jim? Jim: Glass of water would be a start. Michael: No, There are people all over the world, who have all sorts of problems and afflictions, and diseases. They're deformed, and they're abnormal, and... they're illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don't have any money. Public TV is bust. I can't do anything about it, I can't... you know. There's just one of me, and there's a thousand of them. And rabies wins. Jim: Wow! You are a downer. We were having a pretty nice day. Pam: I'm still having a nice day. Jim: You are? Pam: Yeah. Hey Michael, look at this lamp. $8.00. Michael: That's a good deal. Pam: And Michael, you don't have rabies. And chances are you're not going to get it anytime soon. So... you don't really have to think about it too much. Michael: Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done. Pam: Yeah, but there's other, better people out there who are helping. Michael: You just don't think I am capable, of making a difference. Pam: I know you Michael, I saw you naked. Michael: You don't, you don't know me. You've just seen my penis. I can make a difference, remember, I'm the one who started this whole thing off by hitting Meredith with my car. And I owe it to her to finish this... GD 5k [gets up groaning, Jim tries to help] No, no! Michael: Finishing that 5k, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water, than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit, well today I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart, and while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I'm very, very proud of that. Meredith: Hey Michael. Michael: Hey Mer. How ya doing? Meredith: Better. Michael: It's ironic isn't it? I mean I'm in the hospital for not getting enough water, and you're in it for a disease that causes the fear of water. Meredith: I'm in because you hit me with your car. But I wanted to say, I heard you were trying really hard, so I'm not mad at you anymore. Michael: Thanks, I'm not mad at you anymore. [sighs, takes sucker out of his mouth] Wanna share? Meredith: Sure. Michael: I'm not really sick. [Meredith takes a lick and hands back to Michael] Nah, I'm good. Michael: Did you ever think of this? Would a sober person walk in front of a car? Andy: Ay-o! Jim: I'm sorry, are you saying that Meredith was drunk at 9 AM? Michael: Well... Phyllis: That's despicable. Pam: Michael. Someone: That's not cool. Oscar: There's no proof of that. Michael: That's not... Kevin: That seems early, even for her. Michael: That's not what...no, no, I'm not saying that, that's disgusting. Meredith: Drunk? No! You can't get drunk off Kahlua. It's just a kind of coffee. Andy: Then... what are you saying? Michael: I am saying... that... maybe I was drunk. Did you ever think of that? Jim: Definitely not. Kevin: That'd be DUI. Phyllis: That's... Michael: Okay. Michael: Maybe she hit me. You ever think of that? She hit me? I don't know whose fault it was. I wasn't exactly looking at the road. Pam: Hey, Toby. [walks past him to Kelly's cubicle] Toby: Hey. Pam: Kelly, we're going to visit Meredith at lunch. [Kelly's lying down on floor, head unseen under desk. She rolls to her side, away from Pam] Kelly? Toby: Well, Kelly's been so upset about Ryan dumping her, that she can't even talk. [grins] Kelly: [from under desk] I don't want to talk to anybody about Ryan! Please, go away! Angela: They don't have this kind of technology at the vet's. It's not far. Oscar: It's fair. Michael: You know what, why don't go around the room and say one memory of Meredith. I'll start. I liked her jumpers. They reminded me of Kindergarten. Jim? Kevin: I'll always remember Meredith's back. That's all I can see from my desk. All that red hair, over a nice strong back. Sometimes I pretend it's Carrot Top, and he's going to turn around and tell a joke. Andy: So, how's the view old girl? [looking out windows] Oh! There's a cemetery. You think that's affiliated with the hospital, or is it a like a separate feature... Michael: Hey! Okay, okay, okay, You can just close that. Angela: Bye, Meredith. Here you go. We got you some balloons. Meredith: See you guys. [chorus of goodbyes, all but Michael file out as he's talking, Creed takes Meredith's pills] Michael: Let's just... Why can't you just forgive... Why, why are you having such a hard time laughing this off? How do you know that you weren't born with some sort of abnormal pelvis that it was just bound to crack at some point? Meredith: Oh please, Michael. Michael: I'm not going to leave until you forgive me. Meredith: You're gonna be here a Michael: [standing for a while, sighs, turns to walk out] Oh, okay. Meredith: Nurse! I just need some water. And my pills. Thank you. Nurse: There you go. Meredith: There's nothing in here. Michael: This office is cursed. [sighs] And we need to do something about it. Jim: Conference room? Michael: Maybe the conference room, maybe the annex. I'm just saying, at least right here [indicates floor in front of his office] is cursed. Conference room, 10 minutes. Michael: On the one hand, it's a relief to know that it's not just me, the whole office is cursed. On the other hand, I may have to deal with the dark unknown. Dwight: Question: Has anyone recently offended a Gypsy? Michael: We have to have done something wrong. Stanley: You ran over an employee. Michael: That was the curse, Stanley, and we are trying to find the cause of the curse. Dwight: Mmm. [nods] Michael: Oscar, are you Santaria? Oscar: I was raised Catholic, but I'm agnostic now, so I guess I'm a secular humanist. Michael: Oh. Great. We have a secular humanist here, that is disgusting. Oscar: Michael, do you know what secular humanism is? Michael: Yes. It is a philosophy which says people can improve their lives by using reason instead of religion or superstition. Oscar: Oh. Michael: Stupid. Dwight: My cousin Mose's best friend was a dog. One day, he was foaming at the mouth, so I had to shoot him dead. Turns out, he had only eaten one of Mose's cream pies. Did I feel bad for killing him? No. That's how you deal with a thief. Michael: Yeah, the, uh, the charity's having some financial problems. What do I look like to you, Paul Newman? That's actually not a good example, because I have been compared to a young Paul Newman, my eyes and my face. And I make my own salad dressing. I mix Newman's Ranch with Newman's Italian. Sell it at flea markets for a slight loss. I could make... I could make a profit if I changed one of the ingredients to Wishbone [shakes head] but I won't do it. Michael: Whoa, 'scuse me! Oh! Bob Vance: Let... let's pick it up, Phyllis! Michael: Oh, slow! Oh, ho, ho, ho. [laughing as he passes Phyllis and Bob] You guys are going so slow... Phyllis: Go get him Bobby! Michael: Come on, I'm going backwards. Phyllis: Sic him! Michael: Oh, all right! All right! All right! All right! Phyllis: Sic him! Michael: Okay! [Bob Vance and Michael in an all-out sprint, Michael grunting] Pediatrician: You're gonna be just fine, Michael! You're gonna have a good life. Michael: Thanks. Pediatrician: Lots of people suffer dehydration; they all recover just fine. Pediatrician: I'm Michael's pediatrician. Dehydration's pretty simple. He could also have been treated by a Boy Scout leader, a coach, or a, a... a water bottle. Michael: Well, apparently, my insurance will not be covering this hospital stay. I will be paying out-of-pocket. Um... I kinda wish I'd been hit by a car. Michael: Hey, doc? You forgetting something? [pediatrician takes a lollypop from his pocket and gives it to Michael] Thank you.

Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: I gotcha one. [Pam hands over a grape soda to Jim] Jim: Oh wow, thank you. Pam: Yeah. Jim: I'm just gonna grab some chips, you want some? Pam: No. Thanks... uh we're still having lunch today, right? Jim: I guess. [Pam smiles and walks away, then comes back and kisses Jim on the cheek] How dare you. Michael: Hey Toby. What's this? [holds up memo Toby has passed out to the staff] Toby: Ohh. Michael: [reads memo] I just want to remind everyone about the company rules involving PDA or public displays of affection. Toby: Yes, uh some people in the office have complained... Michael: Oh really. Toby: ...about some other people engaging in PDA and, you know [Michael leans in closer to Toby] I just wanted to remind it's not appropriate to, to do that. Michael: Is this about me and Jan? In my office? Because I will have you know that that was consensual. What we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here. I don't think. I don't think anyone heard anything. We were very discreet and, and most people had left by that point. So I don't think it's any of your business. What I think you should do is roll up the memo, real tight... Toby: Ok, look the memo is not about you... Angela: [to everyone in the room] For the record, I have never been involved with anyone at work, in any capacity. Toby: Alright everyone, look, it, alright my complaint was about Jim and Pam. So... Michael: [turns to address Jim and Pam] No way. Dwight: What? Phyllis: You guys are together? Jim: Ummm... yup. Yes, we are. Michael: Woooah! Wow! Andy: Tuna! Michael: Awesome! Kevin: I knew it! Michael: You guys! Yes! Yes! Pam: Toby, was this your fun little way of congratulating us? Toby: Yes. Michael: Oh kay, mind is exploding. Get over here. [gestures to Pam to get up] Come on. Come here. Okay, okay, [to Jim] stand up. [Jim moves over in chair] OK, here we go. [holding both Pam and Jim's hand] Everyone, this is a day that will live in infamy. Because today, is the day that Jim and Pam become one. Jim: Actually, we've been dating for a couple months. Michael: I love you guys, so much. [hugs Jim] Jim: Ohh.. [Michael goes to hug Pam, phone rings] Pam: Phone's ringing. [goes back toward desk] Michael: No, no, no Pam let 'em ring. Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love. Because this is [starts to well up] really good, this is really good. My heart soars with the eagles nest. Dwight: I don't see it. I think they both could do better. Angela: It's not a surprise to me. Pam is the office mattress. Andy: Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office? Michael: Hey. Can you make that straighter? That's what she said. Phyllis: Did you plan it? Michael: No. [tries to hide piece of paper, but Pam grabs it] Pam: [reading from paper] Can you make that straighter? That job looks hard. You should put your mouth on that. How can you even use that one naturally? Michael: Blowing up balloons I thought. Pam: You might want to trim it a little. Phyllis: Michael... [Kelly enters conference room in a flirty red dress] Kelly: [reading sign] Oh, is... Ryan coming back today? Pam: Yeah, he is. Kelly: Oh. Michael: Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting. Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream. Angela: What do you want? Dwight: To give you this [reveals a cat from under a coat]. Angela: Oh, what is that? Dwight: It's a feral barn cat. I trapped him last night and I'm giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed. Angela: Her name was Sprinkles. Dwight: And his name is... Garbage. Mose calls him Garbage because he likes to eat garbage. [shakes cat] Don't you Garbage? [makes chomping noises] Angela: I can't believe you just thought you could replace Sprinkles. Before she's even in the ground. Dwight: You haven't buried her yet? Angela: Don't rush me. I'm grieving. Dwight: Garbage can be very helpful. OK, he's a youthful cat. He killed an entire family of raccoons. [holds cat towards Angela] Look at him. Angela: I don't want Garbage! I want Sprinkles! [walks away] Pam: Hey Toby. Toby: Hey... [sees both Jim and Pam] you two. Jim: Hey. So now that we are dating, uh, we just wanted to know if we had to sign one of those 'we're dating' things for the company. Toby: Oh well, you know, those were only for, you know [makes quotes with fingers] relationships, so... if, if this is just a casual thing, there's no need, really. Jim: Oh. Pam: Well, I don't wanna speak for Jim, but, it's like pretty official. [Jim smiles] Toby: Uh huh. Jim: Sorry, uh do we need to sign one, or...? Toby: Let's just wait and see what happens. [whispers] You know? Jim: What? Toby: Let's just wait. Jim: Oh, OK. Pam: OK. Jim: Great. [Jim and Pam walk away] Pam: [sees Ryan coming through door] Hey Ryan. Welcome back - Ryan: Hold on one second. [Ryan types on Blackberry for a few seconds] Hey Pam! It's great to see you. Is Michael in? Michael: Hey! Pam: Yeah. Michael: There he is! There he is! He's back! And he's with a beard. [laughing] He... He has facial hair. Look at him! All grown up and no place to go. Hello, Mr. Sunny Crockett. I'm Tubs. Ryan: OK. Should we get started? Michael: Ohh, yeah, let's get started because uh, yes, cause uh this is very serious business and umm.. Ryan: Yep, exactly. This is a business meeting. Michael: ...business meeting - Kevin: [rubbing hands in Ryan's hair] Fire! Ryan: Stop that! Stop that! Michael: That's right! That's right! Ryan: [to Kevin] You scared me. Michael: Fire guy. Don't start any fires, Ryan. Andy: Fire guy [makes flames with his hands] Kevin: You weren't here for that. Andy: Here for what? Kevin: When he started the fire. Michael: Look how big he is. Look at you, you are so mature and old and little man now. You're like our little man... Kevin: Little old man boy. Ryan: Michael and everybody, umm... Michael: Beard. Kevin: Bearded man boy. Ryan: ...let me just say something. I know I used to be a temp here, but now everything is different. I'd like your respect. I am your boss now. You're gonna have to treat me that same way you treated Jan. Michael: Oh, wow! Ryan: So... Michael: That's a little kinky. I don't swing that way. Ryan: OK... Michael: Woooo![laughs] I think Ryan has a gay crush on me. Ryan: Enough! OK? This is inappropriate and it stops right now. Do you understand? Michael: Yes, everybody, come on. Settle town. Let's get serious here. Um Ryan, has a very special, important presentation to do, which we will be doing in the conference room in [looks at Ryan] 10 minutes? Ryan: Perfect. Michael: Sounds good. OK, alright. Michael: Yeah, Ryan snapped at me, but there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on, which said, 'Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you.' His words. Ryan: Dunder Mifflin Infinity represents a floor to ceiling streamlining of our business model. The center piece of the campaign is a new business-to-business website interface that will allow us to compete directly with big box chains. Jim: Wait a second. Last time I checked, Dunder Mifflin already has a website. And quite frankly, I'm not really sure what's wrong with it. [Jim at his desk, showing the Dunder Mifflin website reading 'Under Construction. Coming Christmas 2002!'] Ryan: This is a massive overhaul. We're getting younger. Sleeker. And more agile so that we adapt to the market place. All essential personnel will be issued Blackberries for company use. Michael: OOhh. Gimmme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. Ryan: I'll stick around to help you set them up afterwards. Any questions? Dwight? Dwight: What if we don't want to use a Blackberry because they are stupid and pointless? Ryan: This is company-wide, Dwight. Dwight: Got it. [Andy's hand goes up] Ryan: Andy. Andy: We should call it Dunder Mifflinfinity. You know, push the words together? Ryan: Any other questions? [Kelly's hand goes up] Kelly Kapoor. Kelly: Can we speak privately about our relationship? Ryan: Thank you everybody. Michael: Ryan Howard everybody. [starts clapping] Good job. [everyone gets up to leave] Creed: That's some fun stuff. When does the website go up? Ryan: As fast as possible. We want to start retraining people A.S.A.P., so we can hit the ground running with a new system. Creed: Cool beans. Creed: We're screwed. Michael: Who is? Creed: Us? You and me. The old timers. Michael: I am not old. You are old. You are like a hundred. Creed: You're over 40, that's the cut off. Are you listening to what he's saying? Re-training. New system. Youth. I'm telling you this kid is the grim reaper. You deal with this or you, me, Sammy, Phyllis, the chick you hit with the car, we're goners. Jim: Swore I wouldn't tell anyone this, but in the interest of revealing secrets. Oh my God, this will make your brain explode. Umm, Dwight and Angela dating. Have been for six months. Pam: No.. [in awe] Jim: Swear to God. [Pam shakes her head]. Aww this is great. I was actually gonna wait and tell you on your birthday, but this is much more fun. Pam: No, they have been dating for like two years. [Jim in shock] Since before your barbeque. Jim: Wait. What? [Pam nods her head] You knew? And you didn't say anything? Pam: You didn't say anything to me? Jim: Fair enough. Wow! We should have started dating like a long time ago. Pam: Can you believe that... Phyllis: Sorry, I didn't know you guys were in here. Jim: Oh no, we're just sitting here. Phyllis: I couldn't see your hands. [Jim shakes his hands] Hey Pam, by the way, it's great that you're dating. But when a new client calls, you just have to randomly assign them to a sales person. You can't base who gets new clients on who you're sleeping with that week, OK? Pam: OK. Phyllis: OK. Jim: OK. Jim: And... that is why we waited so long to tell people. Ryan: OK, what's up? Michael: Yeah, kay. I was just... After the presentation, just wanted to make sure, that vis-a-vie, that everything in the office is business as usual? Ryan: Well it is business, but not as usual. Michael: Yeah, I know I understand... we're making great strides and we're updating, but business as usual, no? Ryan: No. [shaking head] We're throwing out the entire playbook, we're starting from scratch, we're implementing a brand new system. Michael: Good, so, we're on the same page? Ryan: No. We're not. Michael, I know exactly how much time and man power are wasted in this branch. This company is getting younger, faster, more efficient. You need to prepare yourself. Michael: We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that's who I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans. Ryan: So, how are you? Kelly: Awesome. I am dating a lot of guys. Ryan: Good. Kelly: A lot. Black guys mostly. Ryan: Kelly... Kelly: What?! Phyllis: Wait, uh, how do you touch just one of these buttons at a time? Stanley: I don't know. Phyllis: Did you even try? Stanley: If the kid wants to set mine up, I'll let him. Phyllis: I can't see half of the things. [adjusts glasses] Stanley: It's too little. Use the phone. Kelly: I want you to tell me that you care about me. That is what I want. Ryan: Kelly, I'm your boss now, OK? You can't keep talking to me like I'm your boyfriend. Kelly: Oh big strong man, fancy new whatever. I don't think you ever cared about me. Ryan: I never cared about you? Six months ago Karen Filipelli sent me an email. Asked me out. I said no, because I was committed to our relationship. Kelly: Well, I hope you're still committed because I'm pregnant. Kelly: [shaking head] Kelly: And guess what buddy, [points at Ryan] I am keeping it. Ryan: OK. OK. Kelly: Do you feel prepared to help me raise a baby? Ryan: I can... I can't talk about this right now, OK? After work, we'll go out to dinner, we'll talk about it then, OK? Kelly: We have a date! Dwight: Hello. Angela: Hello, Dwight. I've been thinking about things and I wanted to know if you would have dinner with me tonight? Dwight: Really? Angela: Yes. Dwight: I'll make a reservation. No, no. Let me cook for you. Cauliflower and noodles. Baked potato on the side. Angela: I would prefer a public place. See you after work. Jan: Hi, Pam. Pam: Hi. Jan: Is Michael in? Pam: In his office. You can go right in. Jan: [to Ryan] Hey. Ryan: Jan. Jan: Ryan. Ryan. Ryan, Ryan. Ryan: So elephant in the room, I have your old job. Jan: Well, not exactly my job... I had a different title. Ryan: Oh well, excuse me, same office, same responsibilities. Jan: Different salary. [laughs] You'll get there, don't worry. Ryan: Well... you look great. Jan: Thank you, thank you. Ryan: Scranton suits you. Jan: Best decision I ever made. Ryan: You were let go. Jan: You know what? I love the beard. Keep it forever. [goes into Michael's office] Michael: Hey. Jan: Hey. Michael: [holds up Blackberry] Hey, what is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles? Jan: What? Michael: I don't want to grow weird sperm in case we ever want to have kids. Jan: So, what's Ryan doing here? Michael: Oh, I dunno, they're launching a big new business plan. New website, blah blah blah. He's being a real twerp about it, so, it's all about youth, and agility and streamlining and trying to squeeze out the older people. Jan: He's such a snake. Michael: Well... Jan: I hope he's gets hit with an ageism suit. Michael: What is that... word? Jan: Ageism? Companies they can't discriminate against people due to old age. Like a couple years ago we tried to force out some of the older branch managers with a mandatory retirement age and then Ed Truck, your old boss, threatened us with a lawsuit, so we had to back off. Michael: So older people have just as many rights as younger people? Jan: Yes, Michael, they do. Oscar: Creed? Creed: Yes, sir. Oscar: Everything OK? [Creed has made his hair jet black] Creed: Everything's cool, dude. Creed: I'm thirty. Well, in November I'll be thirty. Ryan: Is there another meeting scheduled, I was gonna do the Blackberry tutorial in here. Pam: Michael told us to wait in here. We don't know why. Ryan: [notices pictures on the wall] Ohh... man. Michael: Good, we're all here, we can get started. Ryan: Michael. Michael: Have a seat. Ryan: We're not doing this today. Michael: Have a seat. Like everybody else. Ryan: OK. This is... Michael: Still my office, Ryan. [Ryan sits down] Well, there has been a lot of talk about new ideas today. Well, new ideas are fine, but they are also... illegal, because they are a form of ageism. What? Yes, I am right. Did you know that the Age Discrimination and Employment Act of 1967 prohibits employment discrimination based on age with respect to employees 40 years of age or older? I did. Toby: Technically, he's right. Michael: Hey, shut up Toby. Look, why do we as a society hate old people so much? Creed: Because they're lame. Michael: No, Creed, no they are not. In fact, many cultures revere old people because of their storytelling ability. Like the old lady from Titanic. [points to her picture on the wall] Or the funny things that they can do, like 'where's the Beef?' [points to another picture on wall] [Jim raises his hand] Yeah. Jim: Why do you have the Big picture up again? You used that already, when you burned your foot. Pam: Reusing the Ben Kingsley, too. Michael: I was going to put up some new pictures, but umm, all of the ink in the printer was gone. Pam: Oh. [man enters conference room] Robert Dunder: Michael Scott? Michael: [puts hand up] That is me. Come on in. [They shake hands] Who is this old fart? Did you just stagger off the street? Out of a box or something? Who's this worthless bag of bones? Well, this guy is none other than one of the founders of Dunder Mifflin, Mr. Robert Dunder. Huh? [starts clapping, others join in] Dwight: Oh, yeah. Yes! Robert Dunder: Thank you everyone. Ryan: Michael, [gets up] can I talk to you a second? Michael: Sure thing. [both go out of conference room] 'Scuse me. [closes door] Ryan: We have actual work to do. Michael: Fine. Then I will call David Wallace and you can explain to him why you threw the founder of the company out on his ancient butt. [they glare at each other] Michael: Bob, how old are you? Robert Dunder: I'm 87. Michael: Eighty-seven years young. And still active. That is great. Did you know, that Bob is still a member of the Board of Dunder Mifflin? Robert Dunder: Well, I, I, I haven't been to a board meeting in years. I, I send a proxy. Michael: Ah, still sends his own proxy. Good for you. Dwight: I'm gonna live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Manheim is 103, and still puttering around in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once, but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation. Robert Dunder: I started this company in 1949. Michael: Wow. Robert Dunder: Back then, it was an uh, an industrial supplier of metal brackets mostly for, for construction. Michael: Oh, boy. Robert Dunder: And then Mifflin, of course he killed himself later... Uh, but I knew Mifflin through the Rotary Club. Michael: Great. Robert Dunder: And he was, he was [starts laughing] at dinner with Beverly and her husband, wha-what was his name, umm... uhh... Jerry.. Jerry Trupiano from, from South Jersey and he was tall. Both he and Mifflin were tall guys. Michael: Great. Robert Dunder: And... Michael: That's great. Thank you for coming in. [starts ushering him out] Robert Dunder everybody. [clapping] Thank you. That was wonderful. Do you have a ride? Robert Dunder: Well I, I, I came here in a cab. Michael: Perfect. [starts closing the door] Robert Dunder: Well, cou, could you get me another... [Michael closes door] Michael: Inspirational. What have we learned? Well, we have learned that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, because it's illegal, and you will go to jail. [Pam raises hand] Pam: I think that I should help him get home. Michael: No, No. Don't help him. He doesn't need help, Pam. [Jim nods head and Pam gets up and leaves to help Robert Dunder, Michael shows Robert thumbs up] What a nice guy. Michael: Good night guys. [staff leaves the office] Ryan: Well, today was a fantastic waste of time. Michael: I disagree, I think it was very valuable. Ryan: Michael, technology helps business OK? You should not resist it, this is the way the world is moving. Michael: I happen to think the old ways of doing business are better. And I can prove it. Ryan: Ok. I look forward to hearing your ideas. [Michael retreats back to office] [to Kelly] Where do you wanna go? Kelly: You know, some place romantic and expensive. Ryan: Kelly, come on. Kelly: You know what, you're right. I'm feeling kind of nauseous anyway. So, you know skip it. [Ryan hesitates and takes her hand and they exit] Dwight: Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles? Angela: Very much. How's your meat? Dwight: Dry. Delicious. Angela: I heard a joke today. Dwight: Oh, that's funny. Angela: Yes, it was. Dwight: Are you enjoying your mineral water? Angela: I can't do this. I can't be with you. Every time I look in your eyes I see Sprinkles' stiff lifeless body. Dwight: Then don't look in my eyes. Look right here [points to middle of forehead above the eyes], it's an old sales trick. Angela: I'm sorry. I gave this everything I could. Dwight: No, please don't do this, monkey. Angela: I will leave your toothbrush on top of your tire tomorrow morning. [gets up and leaves restaurant] Toby: Hey guys. This is my, uh, girlfriend, Amy. Pam: Hi. Jim: Hey, Amy. How ya doing? Pam: Nice to meet you. Jim: [under his breath] Nice to meet you. Toby: [gesturing to the rest of the office] This is everybody else... okay... This is the place... so thanks for the lift. Amy: Yeah, sure. I'll, uh, I'll see you tonight, right? Toby: Absolutely. [Toby kisses Amy for an extended period of time, Pam and Jim are shocked] Amy: Whoa. Easy tiger. Toby: I just really like you. Amy: Okay. Bye guys. Nice to meet you. Toby: Have a great day! Pam: Whoa, Toby. Watch out. You're going to violate your own PDA memo. Toby: I wouldn't want to do that now would I? Michael: Smell that. Do you smell that? Dwight: Dry rot? Michael: No, Dwight. That smells like good business to me. What I have done here is I have collected all the finest gourmet items that Scranton has to offer. Andy: Mmhmm, sweet, chocolate turtles. Michael: Yes, no! No, those are for our clients. Actually, our exclients. I'll explain, later. Michael: Ryan wants everything in our company to be about emails and IM's, but I think he's forgetting about the original instant message. Letters attatched to baskets of food. Dwight: Excuse me, Angela. Michael asked me to turn in these reciepts for these gift basket items. Angela: Thank you. Dwight: You're welcome. Angela: Is that all? Dwight: Yes... [whispers] I miss you. Angela: Elevators. Angela: Dwight, you have to listen to me! We are not seeing each other anymore! Can you accept that? Dwight: Fine. [sighs] Then I just want to be friends. Angela: Good. Dwight: Plus a little extra. Also, I love you. Angela: [walks away] Kelly: I don't understand what the big deal is. Ryan: You don't? Kelly: No! Ryan: You lied about being pregnant. Kelly: Right, so? Ryan: You really don't understand why that might make me kind of angry? Kelly: No! Ryan: We're never getting back together. Kelly: Why not? Jim: Hey. Pam: Hey. Jim: Alright I just have to ask now that we're public, um, is the magic gone? Pam: It's funny you bring that up because yes it is. Jim: I knew it. Oh man, just like that huh? Pam: I think... I mean, I don't know what it is but... Jim: Be honest. Pam: I now find you repulsive. Jim: That's honest. [sighs] Alright, fair enough. It was really fun while it lasted though, wasn't it? Pam: Eh... Jim: For me, it was. Pam: OK. Jim: Alright. Michael: Hey boss, I didn't know you were coming in today. Ryan: What's, uh, going on here? Michael: I am glad that you asked, listen up everybody. In the last year, we have lost seven clients to the big chains. These gift baskets are our ticket back into their lives. We are going to show up at these businesses unannounced, and we are going to win them back. Ryan: With gift baskets. Michael: With peanut brittle, with macadamia nut cookies, with chocolate turtles, with raspberry jam and a little bit of fat and salt because you know what? That's what people like. Michael: Ever since I was a kid people have been telling me I can't do things. 'You can't be on the team', 'You can't move on to second grade'. Well, now they're telling me that I can't win back clients using old fashioned business methods. [shakes head] We'll see about that. And FYI, I eventually aced second grade, and I was the biggest kid in class. Michael: OK. We're gonna split up into teams. Jim, Phyllis. Stanley, Dwight. Me Andy. Stanley: I'm not driving with him. [points at Dwight] Andy: I'll go with you Stanley. Stanley: Or him. Jim: Why don't we just go by ourselves? Michael: Why don't we just go as teams to demonstrate our teamsmanship? Phyllis: Michael. Michael: Yes? Phyllis: This is stupid. Michael: OK, that's not helpful Phyllis. Phyllis: How is giving people gift baskets going to get our clients back? Michael: Gift baskets are amazing, Phyllis. Gift baskets are... the essence of class and fanciness. They are the ultimate present that a person can recieve. Andy: What about cash? With cash you can buy anything you want, including a gift basket, so... it's kind of the best gift ever. Jim: What about a gift basket full of cash? Andy: Yes! Cash basket! Nice work Tuna. Michael: Fine, I'm just going to go by myself, and I am going to win them back by myself because this is important to me. [walks toward the door] Dwight: Michael, wait. Let me go. Michael: No, this is my quest. Dwight: Please, let me go. I need to win those clients back. [camera moves around and zooms in at Angela's face] Please. Michael: Fine. Then God speed. To both of us. Ryan: Good luck Michael. Michael: We don't need luck. Dwight: Yeah. Michael: But thank you, that was really nice of you to say. Dwight: Thank you. Michael: Business to business. The old fasioned way. No Blackberrys, no websites. I would like to see a website deliver baskets of food to people. Ryan: [speaking on the phone] Yes, I understand that David. I just felt that if we were to downsize Kelly and then outsource customer service to India which a lot of companies... Yeah, no, yes Kelly is Indian... I understand that's confusing. Creed: [looks at vending machine] Hey brah, I've been meaning to ask you, can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later skater. Dwight: [in Michael's car] Sweet ride, American made. What happened to the Sebring? Michael: It is in the body shop. Had to have the dent taken out of the hood where I hit Meredith. Dwight: Ah, that's a pain in the ass. Michael: I know. So who's next? Dwight: Larry Myers. Left us six months ago for Office Depot. GPS: Proceed to the highlighted route, then route guidence will begin. Dwight: Why do you use that thing? Let's them know where you are at all times. Michael: Who? Dwight: The government, spy satellites, private detectives... exgirlfriends. [sobs and then starts to cry] Ryan: Next night, I'm out, at a bar, 2 AM, I figure I'll get a sandwich because you can get a sandwich any time of the night. [claps hands] I run into Vince Vaughn. Kevin: No way! Ryan: Literally. Andy: Dude, you are so money, but you don't even know it, but you do. Ryan: ... Later guys. Kevin: Yeah, later dude. Andy: Later man. Kevin: Oh, Jim! How awesome is Ryan now? Jim: Yeah, he's definitely something. Kevin: What does that mean? Jim: That whole lifestyle, his whole vibe, you find that appealing? Andy: Ha! Tuna... [inhales deeply] Tuna Tuna Tuna. Kevin: Tuna Tuna Tuna. Andy: He has a killer job, he's rich, he smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan probably smells like, he wears really cool rich guy clothes. Kevin: And he can get any girl that he wants. Andy: So, sorry Tuna but if you don't know why that's awesome... then... you need awesome lessons. Kevin: Tuna. Check you later. Michael: [places the gift basket on top of the table] Wow, those things are heavy! There's a lot of stuff in there. We have macadamia nut cookies, um, the honey mustard pretzels. Have you ever tried focaccia crisps? Larry Myers: You know we closed our account with you right? Michael: Yes we do. Larry Myers: We're with Office Depot now. Dwight: Yes, yes we know but we just have not gotten over you. Michael: Well... Dwight: And we are dedicated to providing you with the very best customer service, the very best personal business relationship we can if you ever decide to come back to us. Michael: Mmhmm. Larry Myers: OK. I don't think we're coming back. Dwight: Please, come back. Michael: OK, you know what? Just enjoy the gift basket and remember that we provide a personal touch. Dwight: Remember what we had Larry? Larry Myers: I mean, really it's about money. Michael: Well just, uh enjoy the gift basket. Larry Myers: OK thanks. Michael: Alright. Larry Myers: I mean their website is really easy to use too. That's a big deal for us. Michael: [driving] That guy was so... how can they not know how much better we are? Dwight: I don't know. Sometimes people are just impossible and they make you miserable. Michael: That is true. Dwight: Like Angela in accounting. Michael: Yes, she is nuts. Dwight: Ugh... no, she's wonderful... at accounting. But she drives me crazy. GPS: Make the next right turn. Michael: How do they know? How does this know where to turn? That's very impressive. Ryan: Hey Pam. I haven't settled on our final design logo yet for Dunder Mifflin Infinity and I know you're into graphic design. Do you want to give it a shot? Maybe try and deisgn the logo? Pam: Uh totally. Ryan: Cool, that would be great. Um, can you do a couple mock ups and I'll take a look? Pam: Yeah. Ryan: Thank you very much. Pam: Thank you. Ryan: Cool. Pam: OK. Pam: Yeah, I'm gonna do some mock ups, and then turn those into thumbnails, maybe do some... splash frames. [laughs] I don't know what I'm talking about but I'm excited. Michael: And the last guy says 'No, hairy body'. Ex-client: You know I have heard it before. Michael: Ah, well it's still very good. I bet I know someone who hasn't heard that joke... your daughter Emily. How's she doing? Ex-client: She's great, thanks for asking. Great memory. Michael: She's gonna be like eleven this winter? Wow, they grow up so fast. I have a few of my own that I want some day. Listen, I don't want to take any more of your time, I know you're a very busy man. The reason we have stopped by is to drop you off this elaborate bag of goodies, and to ask you to reconsider. Ex-client: Oh, OK. Michael: OK, OK! So you'll reconsider? Ex-client: OK thanks for the goodies. Michael: Ah... .is that all you have to say? Ex-client: It looks delicious? I don't know. Dwight: You don't know? Michael: Look, we want you back. Ex-client: Can you offer lower prices? Michael: Well, no. Ex-client: Then we're not coming back. Dwight: He's not coming back, it's over Michael. Michael: No it's not. Ex-client: No he's right. Dwight: Accept it, why would he come back? Michael: Why would he come back? I will tell you, Dwight. He would come back because we offer a wide selection of products and because you're definitely not getting the same sort of customer service that you get with us. Dwight: That's not gonna change his mind. He's moving on. We had our chance and we killed it. Michael: Look... we're also coming out with a website soon. It's a state of the art thing, it'll be up and running, it's gonna cut costs and it will make ordering much much easier. Ex-client: Oh, OK. Well when it's up, I'll check it out, and if it really cuts costs maybe we'll come back. Michael: Great, the magic of the gift basket. Ex-client: That I don't care about as much. Let me know when the site's up. Michael: OK, good. Don't let Emily have any of the cajun almonds, she's alergic. GPS: Proceed straight. Dwight: [in Michael's car] Well we're O for six. Last chance is the Elmhurst country club. Other side of the lake, on the southeast side. Michael: I don't get it, I really don't get it. I thought this would work. I do everything I had at that guy and nothing. Dwight: That's how it goes sometimes, you know? You lose everything and everything falls apart and eventually you die and no one remembers you. Michael: That is a very good point, Dwight. GPS: Make a right turn. Dwight: Wait wait wait! No no no! It means bear right, up there. Michael: No, it said right, it said take a right. Dwight: No no no, look, it means go up to the right, bare right, over the bridge and hook up with 307. Michael: Maybe it's a shortcut Dwight. It said go to the right. [turns right] Dwight: It can't mean that! There's a lake there! Michael: The machine knows where it is going! Dwight: This is the lake! Michael: The machine knows- stop yelling at me! Dwight: No, it's- there's no road here! [car drives into lake] Dwight: Remain calm! I have trained for this! [unfastens seat belt] Okay, exit the window! [Dwight and Michael exit through the window] Here we go! Look out for leeches! [swims toward Michael] Are you okay?! Swim for it! I got you! [Dwight grabs onto Michael while Michael opens the back door for the camera man] Michael! Michael! Michael: Let go, let go of me! Dwight: I got you, I got you! [Michael and Dwight reach the ground] Michael: [watching car get pulled from lake] You sure you're OK? Dwight: Fine. Michael: Good, that is what's most important. Dwight: Did you get the rental insurance? Because that is pretty important too at a time like this. Michael: What a disaster, this whole thing. Dwight: I'll call a cab. [brings out cell phone] Michael: These people just don't realize what a gift basket means, they don't get it. Dwight: Look at that, still works. Old fashioned cell phone. Michael: What about that last guy, Aaron? Is he a jerk. 'I don't even know if I want it. They're website is so easy'. Yeah, well, you can have your technology jackass, look where it got us. Dwight: [speaking on the cell phone] Yes, we need a cab at Lake Scranton, at the end of East Mountain Road, in the lake. Michael: Hang up. [Dwight hangs up] You know what we're gonna do? We're walking back. We're walking back to that office and we're gonna reclaim our gift basket! Dwight: Yes! Michael: We're gonna take what's rightfully ours! We're gonna take a stand, Dwight! We're gonna take a stand! Dwight: Take a stand! Pam: So place it on the infinity thing without being obvious, you know? I'd love to do like a color version just to bring a little color to the logo. Ryan: I like it a lot. It's clear and subtle at the same time. It's really good, you have a real talent for this stuff. Pam: Thanks. Ryan: I'd love to talk to you about it more. Pam: That'd be great. Ryan: Do you want to go out to dinner tonight? Pam: Oh... is it... Ryan: Wear something nice. Pam: No... Ryan: What? Pam: Um... Ryan: I just... I just wanted to have dinner. Pam: I'm uh, I'm dating Jim. Ryan: You're kidding? Pam: We're together. Ryan: That's... great, I... that's awesome. Pam: Yeah, great. Ryan: [grabs paper with mockups] So let me um, let me look at these. Pam: OK great! Ryan: Cool. Pam: Great. Jim: I guess he can't get any girl he wants. Ex-client: Did you forget something? What happened to you guys? Michael: Give it back. The gift basket, give it back. Ex-client: Oh what is this? Dwight: It's real simple. If you don't appreciate what we do, then give us back our basket. Ex-client: Maybe you should leave. Michael: Yeah, maybe we should, maybe we should leave. Come on, let's leave, but before we leave my wet friend and I are going to wait for our cabs on yours nice couches! [sits on couch] Dwight: Can you call us a cab please, I'm gonna [gets water from his clothes on the couch] Oops, sorry! Michael: Look, my clothes are so wet! Dwight: Nice leather, oh my shoes are so muddy! [rubs shoes on couch] Ex-client: [comes back with gift basket] Alright here you go, take it back! Michael: It's been opened. Ex-client: Yeah it was mine! Michael: What's missing... the turtles. Where are the turtles? Where are the turtles? Ex-client: Come on guys, get out of here! Michael: WHERE ARE THE TURTLES? WHERE ARE THEY? Dwight: [enters nearby room] Excuse me I have an announcement to make. We seem to be missing a box of chocolate turtles with peacons, and we will not be leaving the premises until we obtain them. Hand. Over. The. Turtles. Now! Ex-client: I ate them OK, I ate the turtles, they're gone! Dwight: [leaving] We'll bill you. Michael: May I have your attention please? This office will not be using any new technology ever, starting now. Ryan: That is not correct. Michael: Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well guess what? I just drove my car into a lake. Oscar: You did what? Michael: I drove my car into a [bleep] lake. Why you may ask did I do this? Well, because of a machine. A machine told me to drive into a lake. And I did it! I did it because I trusted Ryan's precious technology, and look where it got me. Jim: Into a lake. Michael: Exactly! Phyllis: Did you get any clients back? Michael: Maybe, maybe not, time will tell. But I will tell you one thing. Those gift baskets never endangered anybody's lives. [looks at Ryan] Game set match... point... Scott... game over... end of game. Michael: Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy. Ryan: I'm not saying I had a meteoric rise... but I did. And if they knew how much I was paying for my haircut now, they wouldn't be giving me a noogie. ... It was two hundred dollars. Ryan: You should come visit. The city is... amazing. Jim: I know. I love it there. Ryan: No. You don't know until you live there. There's something about waking up every morning and just being in that city. Jim: Mmhmm, yeah, last time I was there I had a lot of fun. Ryan: No. You can't imagine it, though. The energy when you're actually there. You're just part of something bigger than you, that's moving faster than you. Your dreams are... . it just... everything feels so limitless. Jim: Sounds great. Ryan: No. It... eh... you can't... it's not about how it sounds. Jim: Yeee... (grunts in frustration) Michael: Yes. My old friend Ryan Howard is coming back today for some big presentation. Very, very excited. He is my protege. He is someone that I hand-raised, that I nurtured. Um... he is like a prime cut of veal whom I nourished with my milk. And now he is also my boss. So, win/win. Oscar: [pointing] Um... [camera reveals that 'RYAN' is crossed out on the 'Welcome Back RYAN banner'; 'A**HOLE' is now written in. Kelly is sitting next to the banner] Michael: Oh, Okay. Okay. Just...[Michael takes down banner, clears throat] Well, our old friend Ryan Howard is back, and we're going to give a little presentation about the future of our company. So please listen up. [awkward pause] All right. Ryan: [to Michael] Have a seat with everybody else. Michael: You don't want me to help? Ryan: You don't know what I'm going to talk about. [Michael heads toward chairs] Actually, can you do me a favor? Michael: Yes? Ryan: Can you get me a cold water? Pam: I got it. Ryan: That's all right, Pam. Michael's got it. [Michael and Ryan look at each other for 5 seconds] Michael: [laughs] Um... yes, I'll be right back! Ryan: Thank you. Jim: That was slightly harsh, don't you think? Ryan: I spent three years, driving around, getting him yams and magic wands. He can get me water. Michael: I think I know what's going on. Ryan believes that there is some sort of special 'boss water' that he gets to drink now. And there isn't. But, um... don't tell him. Don't tell him that. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship. Michael: Ryan is causing some problems. And you were always good at handling him. What should I do to control him? Kelly: Well, he's super-ticklish, I don't know if that helps. Michael: I know, I know, no, what... something else. Kelly: Oh, he's also super-insecure about his height. Michael: Uh-huh. Kelly: And he doesn't care about anybody but himself. Michael: Good. Kelly: And don't have sex with him, 'cause if you do, the next two years of your life will be a total waste of time. Michael: My generation's all about hard work and accomplishment. Like... the moon landing. Or Vietnam. Rolling Stones. Greatest band ever. Oscar: You're forty-three. Mick Jagger's like sixty-five. Michael: And still rockin', Oscar. One of the greatest all-time oldies was a little Oriental guy named Confucius. He literally invented the ancient Chinese secret. Here's some of his quotes. Confucius say, 'Man who farts in church must sit in his own pew.' Confucius say, 'Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.' Confucius also say, 'Virgin like balloon. One prick, all gone!' Oscar: Did you Google Confucius and just print out the first thing you saw? Michael: No, I skipped through all of the boring stuff and went right to his joke page. Which proves that he was old, but he was also hilarious. Jan: [sighs, whistles] Michael, please would you not email while we're having lunch? Michael: I'm not. It's solitaire. See? Michael: BlackBerry. Why would anyone name something like this after a fruit? You wouldn't name an iPod after a fruit. [drops BlackBerry on desk] Excuse me while I type on my Banana. I'm gonna go to the Orange store and buy an Apricot computer. [thinks] Apple. [nods] Michael: This is going on the outside. The pipe cleaner needs to go through the corner. Do not tape those on. Pam: Hey, Michael. Michael: Mmhmm. Pam: Jan called and asked where you're going to meet for dinner. She wants you to call her. Michael: I'm a little busy right now. Could you BlackBerry me a message? Pam: Sure. Pam: Michael doesn't know how to work his BlackBerry. So when he says BlackBerry me a message, he means write it on a Post-it note and stick it to his BlackBerry. Ryan: Okay, everyone, I have a conference call, but after that, I'm going to lead a BlackBerry tutorial for anyone who's having any problems. Who here's set theirs up? [Jim and Andy raise their hands; Phyllis half-raises hers. Ryan notices that Michael does not raise his] Great. Well, I will see the rest of you at 2:30. Jim: You didn't set up your BlackBerry, Dwight? Dwight: Yes, I did, but I do not intend to use it. It is pointless technology. Jim: As opposed to... Dwight: Printing press. Tractor. Mechanical thresher. Telephone. Airplane. The only inventions that matter. Jim: What about cars? Dwight: They fall under the category of airplanes. Jim: They do? So, cars are flightless airplanes. Dwight: Correct. Jim: Got it. They're like the penguins of the airplane family. Dwight: That's an excellent analogy. Jim: Thanks. Pam: Hey, Dwight, what about vaccines? Dwight: [scoffs] Vaccines are for chumps! Dwight: My mom didn't believe in vaccines. I got my smallpox the old-fashioned way. And I survived. So... joke's on you hospitals. Michael: [Creed is using the toaster as a mirror, and touching up his hair with a Sharpie and a comb] The one advantage to being older is that I know a few things about a few things, and I am young enough to not forget them. And old enough to know the difference between the two. I am old enough to take advantage of age discrimination laws, but young enough to date college girls. But old enough to know better. I'm at a perfect age. I could die now. But I won't, because I am young. Creed: Sup? [rolls into kitchen on a skateboard] Kevin: Hi, Creed, what's up? Creed: Just boardin', you know how we do. [flips skateboard up] Oscar: I... like your hair. I don't know if I told you. Creed: Oh, thanks ese. So, what are you guys doing? Kevin: What do you mean? Creed: To look younger, so the kid doesn't replace you with machines. Oscar: I think I'll just take my chances. Creed: Suit yourself. But, if it were me, Botox [points at Oscar], wig [points at Kevin]. Kevin: Wha...

Michael: And the same thing goes for quarterly reports. They are unreadable. They're just numbers and boring and blech. So what I was thinking is that maybe we should have some sort of graphic, like if we have a bad quarter, put in a storm cloud? And... when we have a good quarter, fireworks? Or a racecar? [everyone groans] Doesn't have to be a racecar. Use your imagination. Jim: There's this cube on the screen, and it bounces around all day, and sometimes it looks like it's heading right into the corner of the screen, and at the last minute it hits a wall and bounces away. And we are all just dying to see it go right into the corner. Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room. Okay. I believe she thinks she saw it. Pam: I saw it. I saw it, and it was amazing! Who said I didn't see it? Did Jim say that I didn't see it? I saw it! Michael: We have a lot of colored paper here... why oh why do we keep printing this on white? [screen saver box hits the wall] Andy: Dah! Come on! Michael: Yeah! I know. I know. It's bland. Oscar: It's never gonna happen. Kevin: Dude, you gotta believe. Michael: Maybe, we could have some sort of riddle? Jim: [to Pam] Wait for it. Michael: Like, something that you have to look for. Sort of a 'Where's Waldo.' [screensaver box hits the corner of the screen] Everyone: Oh! Yes! Michael: [everyone gets up and leaves the conference room] Alright. Alright. Let's quit while we're ahead. Kevin: That was so awesome. Michael: That was awesome. Thank you. Michael: Some days I am just on fire. What can I say? Meredith: Hey... there he is. Jim: Hey Meredith, how you feelin'? Meredith: I never thanked you for coming to the hospital. Jim: Oh, please, it was my pleasure. Well we all came, so... Meredith: Well, I really appreciate you coming. I'm singling you ouuuut. Jim: Haha... Meredith: Anyway, I have this Sharpie... Jim: Uh-huh. Meredith: And I was wondering if you could sign my cast? Jim: MmmHmm... Meredith: [lifts up dress to expose cast on pelvis] Can you write where I can read it? Jim: Oh yeah. Meredith: [whispers] I'll read this when I get home. Jim: Alright... Pam: Michael? This is the press release I was telling you about. Ryan wants you to share it with everyone. Michael: Oh, does he? Pam: He does. Michael: Mmmmmm. Okay. Attention. Earthlings. I have some news. Beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep. Okay. Today is the big day that I am heading to New York to attend a party with sushi and important people. On an unrelated note, if anyone has an interesting anectdote that is not boring and easy to memorize please drop by my office before I leave. Thank you. Jim: Whoops. Is that really what Ryan wanted you to tell us? Michael: And... today the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website officially launches. Michael: Well the website is the brain-child of my brain-child, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild. And, uh, to celebrate it's birth, all of the different branches are going to have satellite parties, which will be connected via web-cams and fibers to the real party, which is going on in New York City at uh, a very exclusive nightclub, and that is where all of the VIP's, including yours truly, will be partying with uh New York City's finest, and I do not mean policemen... Michael: The company is projecting record high sales, and that by 6:00 the website will be the new best salesman in the company. Wow! Watch out Dwight. Dwight: That's ridiculous. I'm not going to be beaten by a website. Jim: Actually it sounds like you are. Dwight: Really? 'Cause Ryan says so? Kelly: If that's from Ryan, does it mention if he's seeing anybody? Michael: No. It doesn't. I'll find out tonight. Stanley: Yes, please let us know. Dwight: I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today. Angela: Waste of time. Michael: What's that, pipsqueak? Angela: Waste of time. The website's going to win. Dwight: You believe a computer can beat me? Angela: I don't care, but yes. Dwight: Well I will prove you wrong. Angela: I don't care, and you won't. Dwight: We'll see. Angela: I won't be watching, and I won't. Pam: Dwight mercy killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who are both already prone to unpleasantness. Phyllis: Stanley, you're dancing! Stanley: No I'm not. Ryan: Yeah. I created a website. Look, at the end of the day, apples apples flying at 30,000 feet. This is a paper company and I don't want us to get lost in the weeds or into a beauty contest. Voice of Thomas Dean: I told you I don't want you doing these things in here. You can use your own office or do it in the hall. Ryan: Convergence. Viral marketing. We're going guerrilla. We're takin' it to the streets while keeping an eye on the street. Wall Street. I don't want to reinvent the wheel here. In other words, it is what it is. Buyin' paper just became fun. Andy: And this is where I will record your sales. Dwight: Hmm. Very nice. Very nice. Andy: And then I will say something positive, like kudos or job well done. Jim: Or zipadeedoodaah. Andy: I can't tell if he's mocking me. Dwight: Just ignore him. Andy: Ehh, can't do that. Really hard for me to let things go. Jim: I was... mocking. Andy: Thank you. Dwight: I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale. Andy: Yes like a chime or a bell... Jim: Or a gong. Dwight: Go to my car. Open the trunk. Inside you will see many pelts. Under the smallest one is a case. Inside that case is a bear horn. Bring it to me. Andy: Yes! Kevin: Isn't 7 pm a little late for a lunch party? Angela: Lunch party? It's supposed to say launch party! What is wrong with you? Phyllis: Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw. So I Googled how to deal with difficult people, and I got all of this. [whispering] So we're gonna try out some new things today. Phyllis: So how do you feel about the fact that the banner says lunch? Angela: I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid. Phyllis: I'm so sorry to hear that, that must be awful. Angela: It is awful. You've made this day awful! Kevin: Maybe you could just change the U into an A. Angela: Then it would say lanch party, Kevin. Would it really be better if it said lanch party? Michael: Ohh, lunch party. Angela: It's supposed to say launch! Michael: Okay, wow! Easy, booster seat, nobody cares about this party anyway. Angela: I care! Angela: Plan a party, Angela. Oh! And the entire world will see it. Oh! And here's $65.00 for your budget. Oh and here are four idiots who'll do nothing but weigh you down. Oh. And your cat's still dead. Andy: Twenty seconds to go time. Dwight: Got it. Carb up. Jim: Really? Power gel? Dwight: Hey, you wanna win? You gotta fuel like a winner. sAndy: Okay. We start. As soon as I make... this shot. Aaannnddd go! Dwight: Uhyeaahhh! Hello, Susan? Dwight Schrute. Jim: What would you say if I told you we could pull a prank on Dwight and at the same time not be working? Dwight: Today I'm prepared to give you 15% off our normal prices. Jim: What? Pam: He's going through a break-up. Jim: Yeah, I'm aware of that. But he's also being super annoying. And I'm not a perfect person. Andy: [blowing air horn] Yeah! Dwight: Three reams! Yoohoo... in your face, machines. Pam: What kind of prank are you thinking? Dwight: What if I told you I could offer free shipping? Sure. I'll hold. DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] Who am I? DwightKSchrute: [on monitor] You tell me. Jim: [dictating to Pam] Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper. DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper. DwightKSchrute: [on monitor] How do I know this isn't Jim? DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] What is a Jim? Dwight: It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. The computer should be scared of me! I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that Corporate gave me 2 plaques in lieu of a pay raise. Michael: Okay. Pam: Yes it's too tight. Kelly: Waaay too tight. Michael: Really? Oscar: This is why I'm here? Kelly: Why is it so tight? Michael: It's the European cut. Angela: Is just looks bad. Michael: Umm... hey. Ah, what's hanging? Tech Guy: Setting up the web-cam for the party. Michael: Oh good. Okay cool. How many pounds do you think I could lose by 7? Kelly: Depends... how much have you eaten already today? Michael: I had um, one of those danishes. Pam: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Kelly: You had carbs? That's awful. Pam: Uh, just one second. We're in a meeting and I'll see if he's available. It's Jan. Michael: Why don't you wanna go tonight? What... all your friends are gonna be there. It'll be fun. Jan: [on phone] My friends? Michael, I was terminated. Michael: Just... Jan: Is it really that important to you? Michael: Yeah. Jan: Alright. Michael: Thank you. Jan: Go by yourself. Michael: Na... no. No. If I go by myself everybody will think I'm a big loser. Jan: Well... Michael: Do I have your permission to invite Carol? Jan: What? No Michael! Michael: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just the first... girl that popped into my head. I'll find somebody I haven't slept with. Dwight: Ohhhhhh! Andy: Website check please. Meredith: Three hundred and five. Andy: Three-oh-five. You my friend are winning handsomely. Meredith: Oop. It just made another sale. Three eighty. Andy: You my friend are in a very close second. Meredith: Four-oh-two. Andy: Okay, uh why don't you just lay off, lady? Meredith: What do you want me to do, not announce it? Four twelve. Michael: So. This is the dealio. God has smiled upon me and given me two tickets to the big party in New York tonight. What are you doing this evening? Look at that. They have their own little language now. Like twins. Jim: Sure we'll go. Michael: Alright. Well fight it out amongst yourselves. I was thinking Pammy but boys night out is also good. Jim: Oh I'm sorry. What? Pam: One of the tickets is for him. Michael: Just let me know who the winner is. Pam and Jim: Not it. Jim: Nope. Pam: I won. Jim: Definitely not. If anything it was a tie. Pam: Tie goes to the girlfriend. Dwight: No, I realize you normally reorder in November, but what I'm suggesti... you did what? Ah no! That's exactly what you're not supposed to do, damnit! Why would you reorder from a computer when you can have the personal touch of a salesman? Ahhhhh. [hangs up phone] Jim: How's it going? Dwight: Fine. Good. Jim: Yeah? Dwight: Yeah. Jim: You look a little worried. Dwight: I do not look worried. DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] You do look worried. DwightKSchrute: [on monitor] Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read... Pam: Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read binary so why don't you zero one one, one one one one, zero one one zero one one. Jim: Okay. Um, while you were typing that I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything. And mastered the violin. Oop, and sold more paper. Angela: I asked for assorted cutlery and I got back spoons. These are worthless. Phyllis: I want to understand what you're saying but it's difficult for me when you use that tone. Angela: Phyllis. These are spoooons. Spoons have rounded tops, and are used to scoop things. What we need are forks, which have prongs, or tiny spears on top. And we need knives, which have blades. Do you understand me now? Phyllis: Yes. Angela: Goodie. Jim: Hey man. Darryl: What's up man? Jim: What's going on? Darryl: Make a delivery. Jim: Oh yeah? Darryl: Kelly ordered this online. Dwight: What are you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts. Kelly: But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says, 'Thanks for shopping at Dunder-Mifflin.' Dwight: Damnit Kelly! It knows! It knows what you did! Darryl: Who knows? Dwight: Return it! Return it now! Darryl: Hey! How about instead of yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over five hundred sheets of paper you get back to your desk. Start sellin' multiple reams like a man. Dwight: Y... You don't understand. If... okay, if this makes the difference, I'm gonna tell it that you were responsible. Darryl: Who's it? Darryl: Here you go. Kelly: Thanks. Darryl: So you still missing Ryan? Kelly: Not so much anymore. Darryl: Mmmmm. Dwight: I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them. Dwight: Yes, Mr. Galliado. How would you like to pay ten percent less for paper than you're paying right now? It's not important how I got your information. What is important is that you say yes. Good. Michael: Alright. I'm ready to go and I'm callin' shotgun. Jim: I'm driving? Michael: Yes. Thank you. Jim: Alright, let me just say good-bye to Pam. Michael: Oh yeah, you'd better. You better say good-bye to Pam. Say good-bye to Pam. Byyyyyye. I love you. [kissing noise, kissing noise] I love ya Pam... okay. [singing] I'm leavin' inside Jim's car, I don't know when I'll be back again. Yes I do. Tomorrow I'll be back. I'll be back. Tomorrow. Um... yeah. So you know what? Why don't you guys take off a little bit early tonight? Angela: Because there's a party! A party for the website I've been planning for two weeks. Michael: If you are not this tall, you may not ride the rollercoaster. See you guys tomorrow. Dwight: Perfect. So let me just get some basic information from you. Mmmhmm. DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] Oh. I didn't realize we could use the leads we stole from Staples. Dwight: I'm sorry. Am, so sorry. I... yes. Uh, could you repeat that? Dwight: Yesss! Ten reams for the US District Court! Did I happen to mention the forty reams for the battered women's shelter? Andy: No ! [blows air horn and dances] Dwight: Huh?! Angela: Stop it! Gimme that! Give it! Dwight: Did you see the board? Angela: There's still an hour. Michael: You ever read this? [holds up Green Eggs and Ham] Jim: Yep. A long time ago, but, I liked it. Michael: Got it for Ryan. Wanted to get him Oh The Places You'll Go, but they were sold out. Figured... Jim: Yeah. Michael: Same sort of stuff in here. Jim: It's not. It's different. But it's a good book. Michael: Mmwa. Mmwa. Jim: What was that? Michael: Leaving Pennsylvania. Jim: Oh. Two kisses. Michael: One for me one for Jan. Jim: Gotcha. Michael: You guys should come over for dinner. You and Pam. That'd be fun. Friday? Jim: That would be fun. Michael: Wanna come over Friday? Jim: Uhhh. Can't. Michael: After work you guys... Jim: Oh, no cause... you're gonna let me know when we're close, right? Michael: Yes. Actually I will tell you right now. It's a club called Chatroom, and there's a password to get in, which is actually password. So... Jim: Mmmkay... Michael: What are you doing? Jim: Uh, that is an invitation to an online party. Michael: No. Jim: Yep. Michael: No, I'm sure that's not. Na... Jim: Are there, uh, three w's at the beginning of the address? Michael: Yes. Jim: Yep. Michael: Well the invitation says VIP's only. Is this how you treat your VIP's, Ryan? We're already in the city. The main part with the buildings. What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do tonight? And if you tell me, that I have to drive back to Scranton, to the satellite party, I am going to throw up! Okay I'm going to throw up. I'm throwing up. You're making me throw up, Ryan. Michael: You know what this is like? I'll tell you what this is like. This is like when the Freshmen would throw a party and wouldn't let any of the Seniors go. Michael: Doesn't it just piss you off sometimes that that little twerp got the promotion over us? Jim: Oh actually I withdrew from consideration. Michael: Yeah. I withdrew too. Andy: Four! Three! Two! One! Dwight: Yes! Andy: Woo! Dwight: Woo! Andy: After numerous projections that the computer would crush all salesmen in it's path, I am very happy to report that our very own Dwight Schrute has crushed his electronic nemesis, if you will, by a whopping fifty-two reams. Dwight: Reams. Wait. Say it. Say it again. Announce it again. Andy: Fifty-two reams! Dwight: No no no the first part. Andy: Dwight has defeated the computer. Dwight: Hey. So. What do you think? I did it for you. Angela: I didn't ask you to do it for me. Dwight: You didn't have to. Angela: How do you tell someone it's over? You send them a notarized letter, right? Well, what if the recipient is your notary? Angela: Hello, Pam. Pam: Hello. Angela: Hey. Do you have any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man. Pam: Um... uh... I'll get back to you. Angela: Let me know. DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] You beat me. You are the superior being. Michael: Alright who wants to party? Oscar: Why aren't you in New York? Michael: Ohhh, what? Oh I think I faked Oscar out. Stanley: You said you weren't coming back and we could leave early. Michael: I think I faked Stanley out too. Who else thought that I was leaving? And they could all go home early? Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Well who needs New York? Right? We can have a killer party right here in Scranton. Angela: Thank you. Michael: Nope nope nope no. This is going to be nothing like the party you've been planning. This is going to be good and everybody's gonna come. What's wrong with Dwight? Andy: He beat the computer. Michael: Oh hey! Good for you. Good for you. Scranton power. Alright you know what? Angela I'd like you to come into my office in ten minutes. Bring something to write with and something to write on. Good. Michael: This was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive who I cared about. But, you know, I'm not gonna cry over it. I did that in the car on the way home. Michael: How we doing on time? Angela: The party starts in an hour. Michael: Good. These are some things that I would like to have happen. Angela: Beer, lite beer, streamers, orchids. Better lighting? Michael: Mmmhmm. Angela: Something made of ice? Michael: Those are just things. This is how I want it to feel. Angela: Pizza, pizza with mushrooms, pizza without mushrooms, white pizza, steak? Michael: I would like this party to be sexier, cooler, more important... Angela: Chocolates? Someone famous? Michael: Yes Angela: Cool music. Michael: Uh... Angela: Confetti. Michael: I want it... Angela: Go-Go dancers? Michael: I want it to embarrass all other parties. I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the web-cam and say, 'Wow! How did they get Al Roker to come?' Angela: I can't do this. Michael: Yes you can. Angela: I can't do it. Michael: Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say that if I didn't hundred percent believe it. Who else could do this? Angels: Okay. Okay. Michael: No seriously. Is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time. I'll get the pizza! Andy: What do you think of Angela? Dwight: I think she's efficient. Andy: No, not like that, as a woman. W-O-M-A-N. Dwight: I hadn't noticed. Andy: You hadn't noticed she's a woman? Dwight: [impatient sigh] Andy: I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right? Dwight: I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with. Andy: Isn't that part of the fun? Dwight: No. I think you should date Kelly. Andy: She works here too, how is that any different? Dwight: Uh, she works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby. Andy: [raised eyebrows] Okay. Michael: Good news. Stanley: We get to go home? Michael: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo? All: [murmurs of approval] Kevin: Wait! Alfredo's Pizza Cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo? Michael: Same thing. Kevin: No, no. All: [disagreeing with Michael] Michael: You know what? I don't understand when you all talk at the same time. Kevin: Oscar, talk to him. Oscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients, and overall taste. Which one did you order from? Michael: Pizza by Alfredo. All: [shouts of disapproval] Michael: Okay, okay, what's better? A medium amount of good pizza? Or all you can eat of pretty good pizza? All: Medium amount of good pizza. Michael: [sighs, walks back into office] Kevin: Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage. Phyllis: You can pick one of these things. It's unreasonable for you to ask me to do all of this. Angela: It should take no time at all if you put the care into it that you normally do. Phyllis: [Balls up post-its and throws them in Angela's face] Angela: Ow! Phyllis: That seemed to shut her up. Andy: Are you looking for dinner and a movie? Because you're not going to find it in that box. [Camera pans to Kevin giving an 'are you kidding me?' look] Andy: Just so happens that I know where you can find it, but again, not in the box. Andy: Angela, are you hearing words that I'm saying? Angela: What? Andy: Hello. Angela: I have been working on a party for three weeks that just got thrown out the window. So now I've got to pull together a whole new party, and my useless number two quit, so now there's no one in charge of orchids, chocolates, or the thing that's made of ice. And my upper back itches, and it's itched all day, and I can't reach it, and Kevin had Greek food for lunch again. Andy: They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then, explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates. Michael: Yup. Pam: The Pizza by Alfredo guy is here. Michael: You don't have to say it like that. Pam: I said it normal. Michael: Hey Pizza guy: Hey. Sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip. Michael: Right, I have a coupon, so half of sixty-three fifty, and half the tip of sixty-three fifty. Pizza guy: The half off coupon only applies to orders of two pizzas. Michael: Yeah, I told them on the phone that I was ordering eight pizzas. Pizza guy: I don't care what you told them on the phone, that's our policy. Michael: You didn't actually think I was going to spend sixty bucks on pizza? Oscar: It's not pizza. Michael: Okay, it doesn't say it anywhere on the coupon, and if it's policy, it should say it on the coupon. Pizza guy: [shrugs] Michael: [sarcastic shrugging of shoulders] What do you mean hmm-um? Pizza guy: Not my problem. Michael: It is your problem. That's no way to do business, okay? I ordered eight pizzas with a half-off coupon, so I would like eight pizzas for half-off. End of story. Pizza guy: Great story. It's sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip. Michael: I'm not giving that to you. Pizza guy: Well then you're not getting you're pizzas. Michael: No, no you're not going anywhere. You're staying here until we figure this out. Pizza guy: What? Michael: You know what? This young man needs to learn that's not how you treat people. I don't care if it's pizza. Good business is about respect and accountability and follow through. You don't just make promises and pull the rug out from under somebody, do you? Dwight, please escort this young man into the conference room. Right now, get in the conference room. Pizza guy: I'm not going in there. Michael: Yes you are, yes you are, and you will come out when you decide to give me a discount on the pizza. Please, thank you. Pizza guy: This is stupid. Michael: No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here. Stanley: You find anything? Kevin: We think it's a straight forward kidnapping. Oscar: Stanley, could you look up 'accomplices'? Stanley: Why can't you guys do it? Oscar: Because we're looking up jail time. Stanley: Fine. Dwight: I've seen this kid before. He's one the kids who sneaks on my farm and steals my hemp. Pizza guy: Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed. Michael: You ready to give me my discount now? Pizza guy: No. Michael: Okay, what have you been doing in here this whole time? Pizza guy: What kind of business is this? Dwight: We're a paper company. The best paper company in the whole wide world. Michael: Alright, Dwight, knock it off. You better think about what you are doing young man. Pizza guy: You better think about what you're doing. Michael: No! I'm an adult, I don't have to think or do anything. You're a kid, a little snot-nosed, punk kid who thinks he's better than everyone else, because he's some hot shot, and you don't know anything about sales. So stop being a disrespectful little jerk, okay? Pizza guy: Sales? Michael: Yeah sales, you sell pizza. Last time I checked that's called sales. Pizza guy: You're such a loser. Dwight: What did you just call him? Pizza guy: A loser. Dwight: What did you say? Pizza guy: A loser. Michael: Alright stop, stop making him say it! You just made this worse, a whole lot worse. Dwight: I can make him talk, Michael. All: Michael, Michael Michael: Stop talking all at once! Jim: You need to let him go. Michael: Let go of the little jerk boy before he has learned his lesson? Jim: Yes. Michael: You know what Jim, the world would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions. Jim: Yes, but not by kidnapping. Michael: I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want. Jim: As a hostage. Michael: I think you're over-thinking it. Jim: I think you're under-thinking it. Michael: Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then? Okay, can you tell the manager that I'm keeping his delivery kid until I get a discount on the eight pizzas I ordered. Yes, I know it is not on the coupon. Also I would like him to throw in two, three pizzas for our... Jim: Ransom. Michael: Trouble. Okay, alright. Jim: What did he say? Michael: He said no. Jim: So, we should let him go. Michael: No, no. Jim: Okay. Dwight: Listen up kid. [pops balloon with his hands] I don't like you, but because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights. Angela: I have to hang these. Pizza guy: Why are you looking at her like that? Dwight: Hey! Kevin: What's going on? Jim: Michael just called the pizza place with a list of demands. Michael: Mister Overdramatic, what's up Kevin? Kevin: We're getting hungry out there. We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat. We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end. Angela: I needed another hour, it could have been done in another hour. Meredith: I think it looks good. Angela: That's why you're not in charge Meredith. Andy: Here you are my dear, one thing made of ice. Angela: How did you, um, where did you... Dwight: It's just ice, it'll melt all over the floor. Angela: Will you help me put it over there? Andy: Yes I will. Angela: Okay. Andy: Excuse me. Andy: I stole it! Oscar: Thank God. Pam: Michael, Ryan wants to introduce the branch managers in a few minutes. You just have to wave and introduce yourself. Michael: I'll just wave and introduce myself. Jim: Hey, quick question. If I take a pizza, do you think you could take some sodas and some napkins up to the roof? Pam: I'm all over it. Jim: Okay. Jim: What have we got here? Kevin: Good pizza. Jim: Yeah, cheese, or do we have other flavors? Kevin: Different stuff. Jim: Which one's this? Perfect. Jim: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk? Pam: Yeah, enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your desk mate Dwight. Jim: And that's when I knew. You? Pam: You came up to my desk, and said, this might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired. Jim: That was the moment that you knew you liked me? Pam: Yep. Jim: Wow, can we make it a different moment? Pam: Nope. Manager: Can I start talking? Is this thing on? Give me a signal when you want me to start. Ryan: And now from my old hometown, Scranton Pennsylvania, my former boss, Michael Scott. Michael: Hey, I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer, so take that [bleep]hole. Ryan: Always a jokester. How about that image? Crystal clear. Pizza guy: If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor. Angela: Ow! What are you doing? Andy: You said your upper back itched. Angela: I didn't ask you to scratch it. Andy: Look Angela, I know this is weird because we work together, and up until and possibly now I've repulsed you, but I like you. Angela: I'm not dating you. Andy: So, Angela is stubborn as a mule, she's giving off fairly strong vibes that she's not interested. Dwight: [smiles] Andy: But do I like her or not, because if I like her, then I can't back down. Dwight: [kicks open bathroom door] If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds! Michael: Hey, have you seen Jim? Kevin: I guess he wanted to get out of here before the cops find out. Dwight: Ahh-chaa! Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Dwight: I'm just scaring him. The trick is to make him think you're going to do something to him. Pizza guy: I can hear you, man. Dwight: Shut up, or I'm going to punch you in the throat! Michael: Hey, hey, hey stop it. Stop it now, God. Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid. Dwight: You had to, what other choice did you have? Michael: I could have paid for the pizza. Dwight: Well, yeah. Michael: Oh my God, oh my God. Michael: This is Michael. Ryan: Hello Michael, this is Ryan, first off thanks for the shout out. Michael: You're breaking up. I can't hear you. Ryan: Why is there a kid on your webcam saying that he's being held against his... [Michael hangs up on Ryan] Michael: [to Dwight] Mmm-kay. I want you to go in there, and pay him for the pizzas, and give him a generous tip, no more than ten percent. Dwight: What will you do? Michael: I will open the door. Dwight: Yeah. Michael: And hopefully he will walk out, and the rest is out of our hands. Dwight: So, I'm paying full price? Michael: Yes. Dwight: Here we go, sixty-five. You know what? There's two more. Michael: See ya, drive safely. Michael: [pizza guy flips him off] Okay. Dwight: Now what? Michael: Now we wait, and hopefully nothing happens. Dwight: Alright. Oh, I assume I'm going to be reimbursed for the pizzas. Michael: Not now Dwight, please, it's not the time. Jim: A toast, better make it good. To avoiding a class two felony charge. Pam: Ah-ha. Andy: [answers two ringing phones] Hello, hey hang on a second. Hello, hang on. Andy: [Andy plus two voices on the phone singing] If you change your mind, I'll be first in line. Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me let me know, gonna be around. If you got no place to go, if you're feeling down. If your all alone when the pretty birds have flown, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me. Gonna do my very best, and that ain't no lie, if you put me to the test, if you let me try. Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela. Take a chance on me. Voice #1 on phone: Hey how'd it go? Voice #2 on phone: Yeah, what'd she say? Andy: I don't know yet, I have to call you back. Voice #1 on phone: You have to give us something... Andy: I'll call you back. Angela: I have to go clean up after the party. Michael: What a horrible day. Dwight: Blah. Michael: Bluh. Dwight: Uhh. Michael: Well, I need to get the horrible taste of this pizza out of my mouth. I'd really like some sushi. I was hoping that I would have New York style sushi today. And you know what? Dwight: What? Michael: I'm going to get it. Dwight: Coopers has calamari. Michael: Uh-uh, no, there is only one place where they authentic New York style sushi. Dwight: Tokyo? Michael: New York. Wanna go? Dwight: Yes. Michael: Alright, you drive. Dwight: Okay. Dwight: Nice. Michael: Here we go. Dwight: Woo-hoo. Michael: Mmm. Dwight: Yum. Bartender: I'm sorry, you guys are going to have to leave. Michael: Hey, you know what? [Michael and Dwight grab plates of sushi] Come on, come on, let's go. Man: Hey, you're the Scranton guy. Michael: Guilty. Man: I liked your statement tonight. Michael: Oh, thanks. This is the guy that beat the computer. Man: Oh, very cool. It was funny to see Ryan all embarrassed by that. Michael: Yeah. Man: See you later. Dwight: Later on. Michael: [mocking Ryan] I'm Ryan, and tonight didn't go the way that I thought it would, because it didn't work out for me, and I'm very embarrassed. I got egg all over my face. Dwight: And I spent so much time in Scranton and I never sold any paper. Michael: I never sold any paper, because I'm an idiot. Dwight: I started a fire with my cheese pita. Michael: I made it with my cheese pita. Dwight: I date Indian girls. Michael: I started a fire, I started a fire. Dwight: Now I've got a beard, and I can do whatever I want, and I'm your boss. Michael: And I'm hot, I'm so hot. That's why everybody... Dwight: I don't get that, I don't understand that. Michael: Well, it's part of it, it's just the... uhhh. Michael: Wanna head back? Dwight: Yeah, let's go. Ryan: [steps in front of camera, adjusts jacket, poses, winks] Dwight: [Dwight come into office unshaven] What? Jim: Well it's just that you had no hair on Friday. Dwight: It's called being a man. You should try it sometime. Jim: How long have you been a man? Dwight: I was born a man, Halpert. Jim: That must have been extremely uncomfortable for your mom. Dwight: I stopped shaving because my girlfriend broke up with me. Am I in pain? Hell, yeah. But I'll tell you something, I thrive in pain. I love pain. To me, pain is not pain at all. No. It is pure pleasure. And I hate pleasure. Almost as much as I love pain. So, yeah, I'm in pain. Andy: [to Dwight] What do you think of Angela? There's just something about her. All that strength and steeliness and righteousness all wrapped up tight and shoved into a tiny little delicate frame. Andy: No. I will not be playing it 'cool' [makes air quotes] with Angela. Let me tell you a little story. When I was seventeen, I was waitlisted at my number one school. Even though I was a legacy, and I had like a thousand extra-curriculars, mostly drama, madrigals, barbershop club, I was waitlisted. Did I wait, on that list? No, I did not. I busted into the admissions office and I [singing] sang them all the reasons they should admit me to the school [end singing]. And guess what? I. Got. In. And here's the kicker. That school? Cornell. Michael: What's wrong with me? Pam: Excuse me? Michael: I want you to look at me and tell me what is wrong with me. [Pam stares and nods] Don't avoid this. I know you're dying to say it, so just say it. Pam: Sometimes your laziness borders on incompetence. Michael: What, no. No. Okay, bags. I have bags under my eyes, Pam. I didn't see it at home, I didn't see it in the bathroom, I didn't see it on any of the city mirrors, but in this light... Pam: [interrupting] The city mirrors, or the...? Michael: The big, free mirrors that the city puts up, on trees and telephone poles? The big round things. Pam: The ones for drivers to check their blind spots? Michael: Yes. I have bags under my eyes, and I can't go to New York like this! What do I do? What do I do? Pam: Put cold tea bags on your eyes. Michael: Really? Pam: Yeah. Michael: That's it? Pam: Mmhmm. Michael: All right! Martha Stewart! You can be Martha Stewart's receptionist! Very good! I will be tea baggin' it. Nn... no. Michael: [tea bags on eyes] Do I feel badly, that nobody out there was invited to a party that I was invited to? Not at all. Because they have to know that if they work hard and apply themselves, someday, they could be invited to a party like this. Of course, at that point, I will be going to much better parties that they will not be able to get into. What are you gonna do? Kevin: I'm a little mad, that I don't get to go to the party in New York. But that's mostly just because we get reimbursed for gas mileage. Oscar: I was going to be in New York tonight, to go to the Met, but I had to cancel. Because Angela's party is mandatory. Creed: I go to New York all the time, to visit my buddy Frank. He's a mole person. Meredith: Angela, what kind of music? Angela: Uh... something cool that Ryan doesn't know about yet. Meredith: How am I supposed to know what that is? Angela: I don't know, but standing here's not going to give you the answer. Go. Angela: Tonight my party will be broadcast out to five other states. Which means, it will be compared to Denise Stimm's party in Buffalo. Any idiot can defrost a microwavable hors d'oeuvres platter. And Denise proves that with every party she throws. Oh, and Denise? Stop telling people your hair's naturally curly. We all know you get perms. Kevin: Kidnapping is the asportation of a person against the person's will, so Michael asported him. [giggles] Have you ever been aspor... Oscar: Don't. Dwight: Hey. The way I see it, it's getting late, and the only thing standing between you and a warm bed is my friend's pizza discount. So whattaya say? [pizza guy stares] Oh, so that's how it's gonna be. Well, I can stay here all night if I have to. I've done it before. Pizza guy: I'm not scared of you. Kevin: In every good hostage movie, during the part where it gets really tense, and you don't know whether the bad guys are going to let the hostages go free, the cops order pizza. Toby: The lady cop acted like she'd never pulled someone over for driving too slow. And I tried to get out of it with the famous Toby Flenderson 10,000 watt smile. [smiles] It didn't work. Toby: Damn it. Kelly: Is that traffic school? Toby: Yeah. Kelly: Because we're not supposed to be doing personal stuff at work. Toby: Yeah. Kelly: Because yesterday when I was taking an online quiz about trying to find my ideal weight for my frame, you said that was inappropriate. Toby: I remember. Kelly: Just reiterating what you said to me. Toby: Thanks Kelly. Oscar: You know the octagon sign means stop. Toby: Colorblind. Oscar: An octagon is a shape. You can see shapes, can't you? Toby: It's out of context. It's not the same as driving.

Michael: Coat! [throws coat at Pam] Pam: Michael just rented The Devil Wears Prada. He has his NetFlix sent here to the office, and he watches them in pieces when things are slow. Michael: Steak! Where's my steeaaak? Pam: He's a big Meryl Streep fan, so I shouldn't be surprised that he's identified with her character. Michael: Get me Armani. Pam: A suit? Michael: On the phone. Pam: Like the main company number? Because I'm gonna have to call information. Michael: Where's Armani? He's on the phone. Too slow. You are not going to Paris. I'm so much better than you are. [breaks into laughter] Michael: I owe you an apology. Pam: You finished the movie. Michael: Yeah. It was awesome. Big surprise ending. Won't ruin it for you. Pam: No. Go ahead. Michael: Meryl Streep is the bad guy. Never see it coming. Anyways, if I was mean in any way to you, I am sorry. I just want what's best for you, Mo Chuisle. Pam: Mo Chuisle. He's watching Million Dollar Baby... He's gonna try to kill me. Micahel: So this one goes with my eyes and this one goes with your eyes. People have said I have very pretty eyes. Jan: You do. Michael: I haven't heard the same about you. So let's just go with mine. Jan: Well, they both go with the carpet I've ordered, and if you go with the brown leather on the sofas, then they go with that too. Michael: We already have a sofa. So why do- Jan: A futon's not a sofa. Michael: It... folds up. You've only seen it flat. Jan: I know what a futon is, Michael. Michael: I- Ok. How much is this going to cost? Jan: It costs what it costs. Michae: No- don't... that doesn't even mean anything. Jan: We have gone through this. Michael: Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money wise. Michael: It's just that you say it's gonna cost what it costs- [phone rings] Pam: [on the phone] Michael, it's Ryan for you. Jan: Conniving little runt. Put him through. Michael: Put him through. Yes. Ryan, my man! Ryan: [on the phone] I sent you an email about the new Powerpoint. Michael: Yes, and thank you for sending that to me. Ryan: I had IT install the updated Powerpoint on the computer so you can use it for the presentation. I really want people there using Powerpoint. Michael: Okay, yeah, I dunno. I dunno, I think those IT guys messed up. Ryan: Hold on, I'll get them on the phone. Michael: [looking at nothing] Wait, oh, no, here it is, here it is. Found it. Jim: [talking on phone] Sure, I can hold. Dwight: [picks up phone] Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute. Please hold. [opens book, then picks up phone] Schrute Farms, guten tag. How can I help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh no, I'm sorry, no king beds. No queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Aufedersein! Jim: Hey Dwight. Dwight: None of your business, Jim. Jim: Do you run the bed and breakfest? Dwight: It is not a B and B. Dwight: Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfest. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them brekafest. Jim: Does the Department of Health know about this? Dwight: I'm not telling you anything. [lookings into the camera] Permits are pending. [phone rings] Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin. Pam: Hello, I'm looking for a room. Dwight: Okay, this is a mis-use of company phones. Pam: It says here you cater to the eldery. Dwight: Where did you read that? Pam: Trip Advsior. Dwight: Trip Advisor is the life blood of the Agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there, you might as well close up shop. That's what took down the Stalk Inn. One of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see. Dwight: How many in your party? Pam: Two? Dwight: We offer tours of the fields, and of the barn. Uh, perhaps you'll be interested in, um, Mose's table making demonstration? Jan: So, um, I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight. Michael: Oh! Um, actually, I need the car. Jan: Why? Improv? Why don't you just pretend you have a car? Good practice, incase you ever do a scene where you need to pretend you have a car? Michael: Use to have two cars, traded 'em in, now we're down to one. Good economic sense. Although the new car is a Porsche. For her. Dwight: One cardigan, one sleeping cardigan and one sleep apnea mask. Angela: What about my cherub figurine? Dwight: You took that with you. Angela: No I left it on my night table- your night table, by the lamp. Dwight: You are incorrect. I was recently scrubbing my room of memories, and I didn't see it there. Angela: Fine. Dwight: My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care, they're your oats. Kevin: The bar uses an applause meter. That is why it's so important that you all come and applaud only for my band. Scrantonicity 2. NOT Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of. Michael, can I count on you? Michael: You can not, I have a thing tonight. Kevin: Dammit. Jim: Uh, Michael. Michael: What? Jim: That reminds me, uh, if the invitation still stands, Pam and I would love to have dinner tonight. Michael: Oh no, I have a thing tonight. Jim: Darn it! Pam: Shoot! Michael: How about this weekend? Jim: No, can't. Pam: We only had tonight free, and we really wanted to spend it with you. Michael: Dammit to hell. I-I-ugh, ok. All right. Jim: Where are you going out tonight? Michael: You wouldn't understand. It's a secret. Jim: I wouldn't understand or a secret? Pam: You wouldn't understand, Jim. It's a secret. Michael: I'm sorry Mr. O'Brian, I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner. I just have a very exciting offer. My records indicate that you have expressed interest in losing some weight. Well, what if I told you that I have a pill that will make you 50 pounds lighter in 5 minutes? How does that sound? Amazing right? Well, it won't be that fast, but it will-[notices camera]- it will be that easy. Jim: I can't believe this place is real. I mean, I've heard about his beet farm for years, but wow. Pam: The Beets Motel. Jim: The Beets Motel? That is, wow. Pam: Thank you. Eh. The Embassy Beets. Radishon! Jim: How are you doing this? Pam: I don't know! [Mose starts running by the left side of the car] Pam: Oh my gosh. Michael: I just love sales. I love it to death. It's as simple as that. And I don't get to do it enough as a manager, so I took this second job. I count it as a hobby. Some people have golf, or relaxing. Nick: What's going on here? Michael: Hey, I just got off the phone, and I was gonna make another call. Nick: We're a legit operation with a license from the city I can show you. We pay minimum wage against commision- Michael: No, they're with me, so... this is Nick Figaro, manager to the stars! Dwight: We have three rooms, each with a different theme. Pam: What are the themes? Dwight: American, Irrigation, and Night-Time. Pam: Irrigation. Jim: Nice. Dwight: I'll put you down for Irrigation. Well then, do you have any special needs or diertary restrictions? Jim: Yes. We will be requiring a bed time story. Dwight: No. Jim: Not even Harry Potter? Dwight: No. Jim, come on. Mose: But you promised. Dwight: Mose, bags! Now! Dwight: Here we are, the Irrigation Room! A very special room. So I'll come get you before the table-making demonstration. And as of this morning, we are completely wireless here in Schrute Farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get that power back on. All righty. Nick: Everybody in the conference room. In 5 minutes. Michael: These meetings are useless. Nick: I just want to remind you to stick to the script. Improving the work. So, make the call, say the lines, make the sale. Got it? Michael: Very inspirational. [laughter] Nick: We're offering a $50 bonus tonight to the guy with the most sales. Ok. Co-Worker 1: Or a woman. Michael: Or a trained seal. [laughter] Nick: You could make jokes when you've made a sale there rookie, ok? [laughter ends] Jim: Hmmm, I'd say 1 in 6. Pam: What? Jim: Oh, I thought you asked me what our chances were in being murdered here tonight. Jim: You know, I've just realized, this is Pam's and my first night away together. I use to play it over my head, and it was just a little bit different. Maybe a uh, nice hotel. Or a romantic dinner. Wine... uh but, wine that wasn't made out of beets. Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all. And uh, I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure, just... less. Dwight: Mose, what are you doing? No Mose! Put the- Put the manure down! Put it down! Do not throw it! DO NOT THROW IT! Ow! Michael: Yes, is Mr. Hudson there? Stanely: [on the phone] Yes, who is this? Michael: I'm just calling because you responded positively to the- Stanely: Michael? Michael: ...Stanley? Stanley: Why are you calling me here at home? Michael: [Spanish accent] Senor, are you happy with your- Stanley: Michael, I know that's you. Why are you calling me here at home? Michael: [speaking with a different voice] Have you- Have you considered satellite television? Stanley: Michael, I know that's you. I know your voice. Why are you calling me here at home? [Michael hands up] Stanley: [on the phone] When I'm at home at night in my own house in my sweats drinking some red wine watching my mystery stories, the last thing in the whole God forsaken world I want to hear is the voice of Michael Scott. Michael: Well your son sounds like he's really motivated. I think it's crazy the coach won't play him frankly. Nick: [hangs up phone] My office. Michael: You bet. Nick: Just dial the number on the sheet and stick to the script. Say those words exactly, got it? I don't know why we have to keep on having this conversation. Michael: Look, I know sales, and I had that sale, I just needed a few more minutes- Nick: A few more minutes is a waste of our time. Michael: It is not a waste of our time. Nick: This is a trading game. Micael: No. Nick: You give a quick pitch. You make the sale. You move on. That's how Vikram does it. Michael: Vikram doesn't have my people skills. Nick: Good for Vikram, because he out-sells you every night. Michael: Well, I hope this conversation has helped. Dwight: [reading to Jim, Pam, and Mose] And Harry saw the white hand raise its wand, and felt Voldemort's surge of vicious anger. Saw the frail old man on the floor write in agony. 'Harry?' It was over quickly as it had come. Harry stood shaking in the darkness, clutching the gate in the garden, his heart racing. Michael: What did you get tonight? Vikram: Oh it looks like mixed masala, eggplant, and rice. Michael: Oh, that looks good. Vikram: Oh, and what about you? Peanut butter flavor again? Michael: I am going with the vanilla crisp this evening. Vikram: Enjoy. Michael: Thank you. Vikram: I was a surgeon back home. Michael: Really? Vikram: Oh yeah. Michael: Wonder what I would've been back home? Vikram: Well this is your home. Michael: I know, but it's competitive here. What's a dollar worth in your land? Medical school must cost like 40 bucks or a donkey or something. Vikram: Uhh, no. Michael: I would've been chief of surgery... Or a cowboy. Jim: [Jim and Pam hear noise] Wait, you're going up there? Pam: Yeah. Coward. Pam: [Pam sees Mose in an outhouse] Oh my God. What century is this? Michael: You know what, here's the thing about Die Hard 4. Die Hard one, the original, John McClane was just this normal guy. You know, he's just a normal New York City cop, who gets his feet cut, and gets beat up. But he's an everyday guy. In Die Hard 4, he is jumping a motorcycle into a helicopter. In air. You know? He's invincible. It just sort of lost what Die Hard was. It's not Terminator. Co-Worker 2: Dude, you should review movies. [other co-workers agree] Michael: I actually wrote a movie. Co-Worker 3: Really? Michael: I'm writing one, yeah. Co-Worker 3: What's it about? Michael: Um, sort of a spy, thriller... Nick: What's so captivating? [everyone stops talking, go back to work] I like captivating things. And this must be really captivating because it's keeping you off the phones. I mean time is your money, that's how I know how captivating it is. Because how much time you spend talking. Pam: [Pam and Jim hear Dwight crying] Ugh, your turn. Dwight: [Jim knocks on Dwight's door, crying stops] Come in. Did you have another nightmare? Jim: Hey Dwight. Dwight: Oh, Jim. I thought you were Mose. Jim: Does Mose have nightmares? Jim: Oh yes. Ever since the storm. Dwight: Is everything satisfactory with your stay? Jim: Yeah, yeah. Dwight: Great. Jim: Just thought that I heard crying, moaning, or something in here. Dwight: Oh. Well I'll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff. Jim: Good night, Dwight. [Jim leaves, Dwight continues crying] Co-Worker 2: Yeah, so we're all gonna go out for a beer. Do you wanna come? Co-Worker 3: We'd love for you to come, Michael. Michael: Thanks, no, I have work tomorrow morning. Co-Worker 2: All right, next time dude. Michael: Okay, see you guys. [Sees Jan] Hey, how you doin'? Jan: You drive, I had too much wine. Michael: Okay. How's yoga? Jan: I didn't go. Michael: Wh-Why not? Jan: I just didn't! Michael: Okay. Jan: How was improv? Michael: Good night Vikram. Vikram: Good night. Michael: Hey, congrats on the bonus. Vikram: Thank you Michael. Michael: I'm gonna have it one of these nights. Vikram: Well if you concentrate and make your calls faster, yeah. Michael: Good night. Vikram: Good night. Pam: Michael. Morning. Hey Dwight, how are you? Dwight: Pam. Jim: You okay? Dwight: I am better than you have ever been or ever will be. [Ryan walks in] Ryan: Hey guys! What's happening? How's my favorite branch doin'? Ryan: Okay, Michael, why dont you start us off? Michael: Um... that wasn't much of an introduction. Ryan: Ladies and gentlemen, your boss, Michael Scott. Michael: Ahh, still lame. Okay. All right. Thank you, Ryan, for that wonderful introduction. Okay, um, today we're gonna be talking... about...PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint! Michael: Yes I forgot about Ryan's presentation. And yes, it would have been nice to do well with the first presentation he had given me. But you know what else would have been nice? Winning the lottery. Michael: And the best way to start is to hit start. And up comes the toolbar, that's what she said. What we have to do here is go to Run, and then you look up to PowerPoint. And we are in. We are going to register. You hit register- Updates are ready. I should update. Um, estimated time 12 minutes, so this should take 5 or 10 minutes. Ryan: Is this the first time you ever opened PowerPoint? Michael: Why? Ryan: You didn't prepare a presentation at all, did you? Michael: No, I had a really rough night, and my boss can back you up on that. Ryan: I'm your boss. Michael: My other boss, Mr. Figaro. Ryan: You have another job? Michael: What I do between 5:30 pm and 1 am is no one's business but mine and my other business'. Jim: Are you a cocktail waitress? Ryan: You can not have another job if it affects your work here. Michael: It won't. Ryan: It did, all ready. Michael: Okay, honestly, it was unlikely I was gonna figure this out anyways. [Kelly laughs] Kelly: You're so funny. Ryan: Why is Darryl here? He works in the warehouse. Kelly: I invited him. Ryan: It's not a party. Darryl, back downstairs, this isn't information you need. Darryl: There's information here? Yeah, you're right, I don't need this. Kelly: Okay. [makes out with Darryl] Darryl: Hey, get off. Kelly: Umm, see you later tonight. Darryl: I have plans later. Kelly: Okay, bye honey. Ryan: How long until you actually get this presentation ready? Michael: Why don't you do the presentation, because you know how to do it? Ryan: You know what I really want? Honestly Michael, is for you to know it, so you can communicate to the people here, to your clients, to whomever. Michael: Huh, okay. Ryan: What? Michael: It's whoever, not whomever. Ryan: No, it's whomever. Michael: No, whomever is never actually right. Jim: No, sometimes its right. Creed: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students. Andy: No. Actually, whomever is the formal version of the word. Oscar: Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly. Michael: Not a native speaker. Kevin: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say, because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night. Ryan: Do you really know which one is correct? Kevin: I don't know. Pam: It's 'whom' when it's the object of a sentence, and 'who' when it's the subject. Phyllis: Yeah, that sounds right. Michael: Well it sounds right, but is it? Stanley: How did Ryan use it? As an object? Ryan: As an object. Kelly: Ryan used me an object. Stanley: Is he right about that? Pam: How did he use it again? Toby: It was Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object. Michael: Thank you. Toby: To whomever, meaning us, the indirect object. Which is the correct usage of the word. Michael: No one, uh, asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull. Ryan: Wait! This doesn't matter. And I don't even care. Michael, you quit the other job, or you're fired here. Michael: I've never done this before. I've never quit anything in my life. So, you are filming history. Michael: Nick, I had a dream last night that I had two full time jobs. One here at the Lipophedrazone diet pill company- Mr. Figaro: Lipophedrine Michael: And the other I was a Regional Manager of a small paper supply company called Dunder Mifflin. Mr. Figaro: Never heard of it. Michael: In this dream I did both of these jobs beautifully, and I loved it, and everybody loved me. But the truth is, I can't do this. Mr. Figaro: Are you quitting? Michael: I am. Mr. Figaro: Come back anytime, don't forget to disinfect your headset. Michael: I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me. I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep, and try it all again the next night. Andy: So. Pam: What's up? Andy: Me. All night. Dreaming about Angela's smoking hot body. Pam: You're being gross. Andy: Not from a male perspective. You need to set me up with her, I know she told you that she's looking, and she's totally not responding to my moves. Pam: What moves? Andy: I have moon-walked past accounting like ten times. Pam: I can't believe that's not working. Andy: Yeah. Pam: Um, I don't know if I really see you two together. Andy: Really? Well, maybe you should look in the smart part of your brain. Pam: She's very religious. Andy: Okay, well I come from a line Wasps so long it leads back to Moses. Pam: Okay, well she takes her convictions pretty seriously, she can be kind of severe. Andy: Yeah, and I punched a hole in a wall. Pam: That's right, you did. Andy: Yeah. Pam: Now that I think about it, Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple. But I couldn't do that to Dwight... or Angela... or Andy. Michael: Hey Kevin, you're a gambler right? A rounder, you play the ponies, small horses. Kevin: I do gamble Michael. Michael: Yeah, I was thinking about doing some gambling myself. You know, just a little bit of money. Maybe doubling it, and them doubling it seven more times. I don't know, kind of just for fun. I was thinking, do you have tips, or ideas about sure things. Like a boxer who is going to throw the big fight, you know, like, like he's tied into some crooked dealings, maybe his kid is sick or something. Like, who do I call about that? Kevin: The mob. Michael: Do you know anybody in the mob? Kevin: [shakes head no] Michael: Okay, um, Oscar, I'm going to need to take another advance on my salary. Kelly: What do you mean you have plans tonight? Darryl: I have my daughter tonight; we're renting Charlotte's Web. Kelly: Well, you have to make a choice, it's either your daughter, or me. Darryl: My daughter. Kelly: Okay, I see how it is. [pushes a stack of files onto the floor] Oops. Darryl: That was cold. Kelly: [makes a W then an L with her fingers, and then runs a finger across her throat] Phyllis: He's always been terrible with money. Stanley: I bet it's Jan spending him straight to the poor house. Kevin: Yeah, women be shoppin'. Meredith: I can't believe he has a second job. Oscar: He's not even good at his first one. Michael: Hey guys. Kevin: Shh. Michael: What'cha talking about? [camera pans to each face in the break room] Okay, I know what's going on. You're talking about Jim and Pam, if they're having sex, what it looks like, I know, I think- Pam: Michael. Michael: Hey, hey, hey. Oscar: Michael, are you having money problems? Michael: Monkey problem? No, I'm not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems? Oscar: You heard me correctly. Michael: Oh, I hate monkeys. Pam: What's going on, why do you have a second job? Michael: I don't have a second job. Maybe I'm having an affair with Suzanne Summers. Pam: Doesn't Jan have money? Michael: I don't talk to my girlfriend about money. It is rude, and unsexual. Kevin: True, it's best to hide our money problems from women. Michael: I totally agree with you. But I don't have money problems, I don't. Alright, you know what? Watch this, if I had money problems, would I do this? [Michael holds up a bill, crumples it up, puts it back in his pocket] Oscar and Stanley: You just put it back in your pocket. Michael: Yeah, but I destroyed it, it's not even useable anymore. Darryl: Hey, let's call this what it is. Darryl: It's like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around. It's gotten to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door. Kelly: Well, I just need to know where this is going. Darryl: Hey, I like you. Oh yeah, what's not to like? But you need to access your uncrazy side, otherwise maybe this thing's run its course. Kelly: Don't you dare walk away from me Darryl Philben, you are the most selfish person I've ever met in my entire- Darryl: Slow down, think it over. Kelly: Darryl Philben is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that? Creed: Hey cuz, heard you're having money problems. Michael: No you didn't. Creed: Listen, I've got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away. Creed: Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider. Michael: How would that help Creed? In Monopoly when you go bankrupt, you lose. Creed: You don't go by Monopoly man, that game is nuts. Nobody just picks up 'get out of jail free' cards, those things cost thousands. Michael: That is a good point. Creed: Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over. It's a fresh start, it's a clean slate. Michael: Like the witness protection program. Creed: Exactly. Oscar: Not at all. Michael: I've always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start, no debts, no baggage. I've already got my name picked out, Lord Rupert Everton. I'm a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs. That's the life. Michael: I... DECLARE... BANKRUPTCY! Oscar: Hey, I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen. Michael: I didn't say it, I declared it. Oscar: Still, that's not anything. Oscar: This is a lot of credit card debt. Michael: Yeah, tell me about it. Oscar: Mmm. Michael: You know, Jan has my credit cards, and she's using them as if I'm made of money, she thinks I'm a human ATM machine. Oscar: Okay, a hundred and twenty-five dollars, Amazon. Michael: Oh, that's the Muppet Show, on DVD, classic. Oscar: Twelve hundred dollars. What's a Core Blaster Extreme? Michael: That is by far the best way to strengthen your core. This machine, you sit on a stabilizer ball, you put your feet into the power stir-ups, you reach up and you grab onto the super rod, and you twist, and you twist, and you twist. It strengthens your entire core. Your back core, your arm core, the Marine Core actually uses it. I think that's how they got a core. Andy: I left a little present for Angela. I think she's going to like it, because I found it outside of Vance Refrigeration all alone, and I told her in the note that the cat came to find her, that they were destined to be together. I got game. Oscar: Okay, the green bar is what you spend every month on stuff you need, like a car and a house. Michael: Mm-hm. That is so cool how you have my name at the top. Oscar: The red bar is what you spend on non-essentials, like magazines, entertainment, things like that. Michael: Right. Oscar: This scary black bar is what you spend on things that no one ever, ever needs, like multiple magic sets, professional bass fishing equipment. Michael: How do they do this so fast? Is this power-point? Pam: Man, Angela really had a hold on him. [Dwight playing the recorder in the background] Angela. Oscar: Michael, I'm going to set you and Jan up with a debt consolidator, you meet with this guy. Michael: No, no, we are going to leave Jan out of this. Oscar: She has to know. Michael: We will find another way, we'll ask power-point. Oscar: Michael, this is a presentation tool. Michael: You're a presentation tool if you think I'm gonna tell Jan about this. Oscar: I'm done! Michael: No you're not! Ok, just... you're not a tool. Look, we'll tell her that it's bad, but it could've been a lot worse but due to some fancy financial foot work I was able to cut it in half. Oscar: Jan is smart. Michael: She poses. Jim: Dwight, how's the hotel business? Dwight: Stupid. Jim: Have you checked Trip Advisor recently? Dwight: No. Jim: Maybe you should. Dwight: Maybe you should. Whatever. Pam: We wrote a good review. Under comments, we wrote, the natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedroom and makes you dream of simpler times. Jim: The dawn goose walk will tug at your heartstrings. Pam: Table making never seemed so possible. Jim: You will never want to leave your room. Pam: The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm. Dwight: I'm glad you enjoyed your stay. Pam: We really did. It was fun. Oscar: So due to Michael's clever financial maneuvering, he finds himself tremendously in debt. Jan: [on phone] You're broke? Michael: Um, that's, how did you get that from what Oscar's saying? Jan: [on phone] Michael, how did this happen? Where did all your money go? I don't, I don't get this. I really don't. I don't know how you could be so irresponsible. I mean, this is, it is astounding to me, really. I don't know what more to say. Oscar: Jan. Jan: [on phone] Yeah, what? Oscar: Michael left. Jan: [on phone] Okay, where did he go? Oscar: I don't know. Jan: [on phone] Well, is he coming right back? Oscar: I don't think so. Jan: [on phone] I'll be right there. Michael: What am I doing? I am blowing dodge. I'm getting out of town. Whatever you call it, I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good. Angela: [to Andy] You may ask me out to dinner. Nothing fancy or foreign, no bars, no patios, no vegetables, and no seafood. Pam: Dwight. Dwight: Uhh-mmm [moaning] Jim: Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton? Dwight: [incoherent mumbling] No you didn't. Jim: Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam. Dwight: Mmm-uh-mm [incoherent mumbling] Jim: Yeah, I mean she was with Roy, and, uh, I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. Even weird stuff, like food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. It was something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and that includes you. Dwight: [sobbing, reaches out to Jim after he walked away] Pam: Hey, I was thinking about dinner- [Jim grabs her face and kisses her] Jim: Ah, dinner. Let's see, maybe we should try the new Italian place, where the drive-in used to be. Pam: Okay. Jim: Yeah? Pam: Yeah. Jim: Okay. Pam: Jim's just really passionate about Italian food. Jim: Yep, I'm very passionate about Italian food. In fact, um, I'm in love with Italian food. Oscar: Jan, he went running that way. Jan: Alright. [throws her keys at Oscar] Michael: [singing] Runaway train, never come back. Runaway and I'm never coming back. Jan: Michael. Michael: Hey Jan. Jan: What's going on? Michael: Not much, what's up with you? Jan: Well, why are you sitting on a train? Where are you going? Michael: I'm out of answers Jan. Jan: What does that mean? Michael: I told you, no more answers. This is who I am now. A guy on a train with no answers. I hope that can be enough for you. Jan: Michael, come on. Running away from your problems won't solve anything. You know that. Michael: I don't know that. Jan: Your creditors can follow you anywhere with ease. Your debt follows you around the world, electronically. Michael: I'll stay off the grid. Jan: Uh, Michael, come on, come on, you can deal with this. It's not that bad. Michael: Yeah it is, it is. I really messed up. Jan: Well, when my life fell apart and they, and they screwed me in New York, and I felt like my whole world was collapsing around me, I didn't have anyone. I mean, my whole family still won't even talk to me, on the advice of counsel, and my friends were just waiting for this to happen. Michael: That's really nice of you to say. Jan: Michael, no, what I want to say is you were there for me. By my side. Without even a thought. That's just who you are. I mean, no matter how badly I treat you, or what I'm going through, you just, you are there for me. And that is a guy worth staying beside. So, where's this train taking us? Michael: I think the engineer left. Dwight: [takes a ruler and shoves it between his desk and Jim's, knocking Jim's files on the floor] Hello, this is Dwight Schrute calling from Dunder-Mifflin, and according to our records you appear to be low on office supplies. Okay, sure, yeah I can take care of that right now. Michael: Don't sell your implants please. Jan: I'm keeping them. I know you like them. They're kind of uncomfortable though. Michael: That's nice though. Jan: It's kind of painful and my nipples are over-sensitive now. Michael: It looks cute though. Michael: I used to get offers in the mail for credit cards all the time. They would say things like 'don't pay for six months' or 'you can transfer your account from another card'... Dwight: No, [mumbling] I don't know. Michael: Do you think I'll get any new ones? I could... [pause, eventually looks up at Dwight] Dwight: What? Michael: What do you mean, 'what'? Dwight: What... [mumbling] Michael: Were you listening to what I was saying? Dwight: I was aware that you were speaking. Michael: What is the matter with you? Dwight: What is the matter with... me? Michael: Yeah. Dwight: I'm... discombobulated. Michael: Yeah. Dwight: I need help. Michael: All right, well, go find some. Get outa here, please. [Dwight sighs and leaves] Oscar: Okay, you need to focus, Michael. You need to stop spending money. Michael: Yeah. What? Oscar: I hate to ask you this, but are there any retirement funds you can borrow from? Michael: Um, my CDs. Oscar: You have CDs? Michael: I do. Oscar: Okay, good, okay. What bank? Michael: My CDs are in a portfolio, a rather large portfolio, um, called Case Logic Oscar: [whispers] Case Logic. Michael: And, um the Case Logic portfolio is currently in the back seat of my car. There is another smaller Case Logic portfolio clipped to my visor [Oscar vigorously shakes his head] What? Oscar: I'm asking about Certificates of Deposit. Michael: I've been putting money into CDs for years. I bought music that I didn't even like. No. [shakes head] Jan: I just think that... Michael: I can't. Jan: Why? Michael: I can't go back to that. Jan: I think you can. I... what? Michael: I don't know if I can do that. I can't see myself spending the next six years digging myself out of that kind of hole. Jan: All right, well then maybe there's another way, you know? I mean, we could just... we'll think of something else. Michael: We will? I can't. I don't have an idea in my head. Jan: Well... well, we will. Michael: I have... Jan: We just will. Michael: Okay. What? Um... Jan: I have some ideas. Michael: Tell me. Jan: [laughs] I am not going to tell you yet. Michael: Well, please? I won't tell anybody. Jan: Oh, yes, you will. Michael: Yeah, I will. Andy: Gentlemen, a word. Look, you guys are my closest friends in this office. Jim: Right back at ya. Andy: And as such, I come to you... Dwight: State your business! Andy: I am dying of lovesickness and horny-sickness. Dwight: That is impossible. Unless you mean gonorrhea. Andy: I'm talking about Angela, okay? Did you hear what she was saying to Pam the other day? Dwight: Yes, I did, 'cept I don't think she means it. Angela is in a great deal of pain because of the death of her cat, and she's in a kind of a grieving process, and it makes her say things. So... best to just lay off. Andy: No can do. I am itching all over with Angela-pox. Jim: Oh my God, you do have gonorrhea. Phyllis: Hey, Andy! Maybe this is one of those situations where you just have to do her to get her out of your system. Dwight: Stay out of this, you! Andy: Hey, fellas! And... lady. Kevin: I still do not have your reimbursement check. Andy: That's not why I came over. I mean it's a week late, but... I just came over to say hi. Oscar: Hi. Kevin: [waves] Hi. Andy: Angela, you like lacrosse? Angela: Lacrosse, the sport? Andy: Scranton U. Varsity's gonna scrimmage the J.V. squad. Should be pretty interesting. J.V. gets really amped. Angela: Well, I guess it's a big opportunity for them. Andy: Yeah. Angela: Yeah. Andy: You wanna go? Angela: No. Andy: Because we could get some food... Angela: No. Andy: Afterwards at the... Angela: Andy, no. [Andy nods and starts backing away, Kevin giggles] Andy: Still waiting on that check. Jim: Pam! You don't think he'll mind if we take the shampoo, do you? [holds up large bottle] Pam: Mmm. Mmm-mmm. [shakes head 'no'] Jim: Okay. Pam: [Mose serves bacon] Thank you, Mose. Mose: [clears throat] Everybody poops. Jim: Yes, they do. Mose: There's no other... way to get rid of the food. Jim: Where's Dwight? Mose: Gone. Pam: Where'd he go? Mose: His day place. Jim: The office. Mose: What office? Jim: Hmm. Pam: Mose, Angela hasn't been around here much lately, has she? Mose: Angela? Pam: Angela - she used to stay here sometimes? Mose: Angela [leaves]. Mose: [on trampoline] Cannonball! Lemon bomb! Jim, Pam, watch! Jim, Pam, watch! Jim, Pam, watch! Pam: Okay, we're watching, Mose! Mose: Okay, go Yankees! I'm a war hero! Jim: You're doin' great, buddy! Mose: Name's Mose, buddy! Dwight, can I stop? They're not even looking. Dwight: Yeah, go ahead and stop. You guys, you should really be looking, he's working his ass off over here. Jim: I'm sorry, did we or did we not pay for a show? Dwight: Okay, go ahead, they're right. Mose: Large spins! Jim: [not watching Mose] More spins. Dwight: Arr, dammit! [throws saw at table he was working on] Mose: Helicopter!

Michael: Yeah! Everything! Oh it's all good, it's all good. Phyllis! Phyllis: Dancing babies! Michael: Dancing babies! I love it! I love it! Michael: We are making a commercial for Dunder Mifflin today. Our first ad ever. Corporate purchased some air time in local markets to spread the word about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and they are even sending up a professional ad company to help us make it later so... it's uh, not too shabby. Andy: Best ad ever. [sings in the tune of the 'Kit Kat theme song'] Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that... I am totally blanking. What is the thing? Jim: Nobody tell him! Andy: What? No, why? Jim: You got it, you're so close! Andy: [singing] Break me off a piece of that... huh huh huh... br- applesauce. Jim: Break me off a piece of that applesauce, I don't think... Andy: Break me off a piece of that Chrysler car. Jim: Nope. Andy: Football cream. Grr! Michael: Okay, it's football cream. It's football cream. Alright! So, anybody else? Pam: I'm taking a computer animation class so I could try to do a logo. Michael: Look at that. Even the receptionist is getting in on the creativity. Very good, very good. Michael: Hello hello! Ad guy 1: Hey, how ya doin'? Michael: Michael Scott. Ad guy 2: Hey, Michael. Michael: Regional manager. Ad guy 2: Hey Michael, nice to meet you Michael: Excited to talk ideas. Ad guy 1: Let's do it, man. Michael: You know, I want this to be cutting edge. I want it to be fast, quick cuts, you know, youthful, sort of a MTV on crack kind of thing. Ad guy 1: That sounds great. Michael: All right, good, well this is what we have to work with. Michael: I would like you to meet Andrew Bernard. The 'Nard Dog. Who let the 'Nard Dog out? Andy: Hoo hoo hoo-hoo! Michael: He gives the best back rubs in the office. Andy: It's true, I give a mean backrub. I also do good aromatherapy [makes farting noise]. Not! You just got 'Nard dogged! Michael: Now this gentleman right here is the key to our urban vibe. Stanley: Urban? I grew up in a small town. What about me seems urban to you? Michael: Stanley is hilarious. Phyllis is like our Mrs. Butterworth. Kind of a less urban Aunt Jemima. Michael: These are our accountants. And as you can see they are very different sizes. What you might want to do is kind of a Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Baby Bear thing. That might be kind of fun. Kevin: [looking at Oscar] Mama Bear! Michael: Who else? Jim: I think it's great that the company's making a commercial because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers, or muffins, or mittens, or... And frankly all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide. Jim: You playing that game again? Dwight: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores, it doesn't have winners or losers. Jim: Oh it has losers. Dwight: I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my Second Life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly. [shot of Dwight's avatar flying around] Michael: [reading off piece of paper] Little girl in a field holding a flower, we zoom back to find that she's in the desert and the field is an oasis. Zoom back further the desert is a sandbox in the world's largest resort hotel. Zoom back further the hotel is actually the playground for the world's largest prison. But we zoom back further- Ad guy 1: Okay I can tell that your time is valuable- Michael: Actually I don't get paid by the hour anymore, but thank you, I get paid by the year, so... Ad guy 1: That all sounds really, really ambitious. Michael: Yeah, I know. Ad guy 1: Why don't we show you what we did with the Nashua branch? Michael: Mmm. Okay. [commercial plays on laptop, peppy music in background] Michael: That's what Nassau came up with? That sucks! [chuckles] Whoa. Ad guy 1: That's what we came up with. Michael: Well we can do better than that. Ad guy 2: Well the main part of the ad has to stay the same, actually. Ad guy 1: Yeah, it's the last five seconds where we have some leeway. Michael: The waving? Ad guy 1: Well, no, no. You don't have to be waving. That was just what they did. You guys can be clapping. Sitting. Standing outside, inside, whatever. This is where you really get to be creative. Andy: I need some advice. I've been spending a lot of time making out with Angela lately. But we've been necking, but only necking. Right? Not actually kissing, our mouths, just the neck on neck. It's just like rubbing slash nuzzling our necks together. It's hot, I'm not going to lie to you , but it's a little weird, but you seem like a guy with answers, so how do I fast track this to get to first base? Dwight: We cannot talk about this... because, someone might hear us. Andy: We'll use code names. Dwight: Angela can stay the same, but we'll change Andy to Dwight. Andy: That's not different enough. Dwight: Dwike? Receptionist: You have a call from Eddie Murphy. Ryan: Hello? Michael: [on speakerphone, Eddie Murphy voice] Shrek! Shrek, I'm a donkey! I'm a donkey, Shrek! [laughing] I'm just kidding. It's me. Hello Ry. Ryan: What? Michael: Okay, calm down. I have a small problem. Ryan: I told you not to call about small problems. Michael: Yeah, well when I call about big problems you don't like that either, so make up you mind, kiddo. Here is the deal, the ad guys that you sent are locking me in a creative box, and sort of ignoring my ideas. Ryan: That's good. They're creative, you're not. Michael: I'm creative, Ryan. Ryan: It's not part of your job, it's like, maybe you can cook but it doesn't mean you should start a restaurant. Michael: Well actually I can't cook, and I am starting a restaurant. Mike's Cereal Shack. I'm thinking we'll have as many varieties as you can buy in the store. Ryan: Okay, I'm not really interested in that right now. I'm delegating creativity to creative professionals. It's a different skills set. Look, I wasn't good at sales, right? Michael: Yeah! Ryan: But I'm good at managing people who do sales . Michael: Are you? I don't think you're doing such a good job here, suppressing ideas and creativity. Michael: All right, let me ask you this, tell me if you think this is creative. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this is before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse that could fly over rainbows, and had a huge spike in its head. And I was five, five years old. Couldn't even talk yet. Michael: Hey guys, um, you know what, we cannot shoot this ad today. Ad guy 2: Okay, when should we come back? Michael: How about never hundred hours, sir. Ad guy 2: We were sent here to help out. Ad guy 1: Okay I'm not going to argue with this guy. Let's go. Good luck dude. Michael: Hey thanks. Thank you. David Wallace: [on phone] Michael, David Wallace. What is this about dismissing the ad people? Michael: Yeah, I'm glad you called. Ryan is being a little bitch again. Ryan: I'm on Michael. Michael: What's up my brotha? Listen, David, I would like to do this ad in house. I want to use only the creativity that we have right here in the office. And I will send it to you tomorrow morning, take a look at it, and if you do not think that it's ready to air, send the ad agency back down here, and we'll do it on my dime. David Wallace: This is weird. Michael: I'm willing to stake my entire reputation on it. David Wallace: Okay, I'll see it tomorrow. Michael: Okay. [hangs up phone] And thus, Michael Scott sealed his own destiny. In a good way. Michael: Has anyone ever come up to you and said, 'You're not creative'? Dwight: Yes. Michael: Well they're wrong. You are creative. You are damn creative. Each and every one of you. You are so much more creative than all of the other dry, boring morons that you work with. Jim: Who are you talking to, specifically? Kevin: I kind of know what it's like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man. [makes squinty face] Oscar: When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor in commercials. Then I realized I had a brain. Meredith: I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around. Michael: We have three scenes to film, big scenes. We have a song to write. So let's get cracking. Kelly, I want you to do makeup. Oscar, I would like you to do costume design, obviously. Phyllis, I'd like you look around town and see if we have any celebrities in our local area. Phyllis: [gasps] Sue Grafton is at the Steamtown Mall. She's doing a book signing right now. Michael: Okay, okay, Phyllis this is what I want you to do. I want you to go down to the mall. I want you to get in line. I want you to get her to be in this commercial. This would be a huge coupe people. All right? Do not take no for an answer. Phyllis: Okay. Andy: Does anyone actually know what Sue Grafton looks like? I mean, is she hot or-? Creed: She's crazy hot. Andy: Well then maybe we should just use Angela and say she's Sue Grafton. Would anyone notice? Angela: That's not happening. Angela: I find the mystery genre disgusting. I hate being titillated. Phyllis: Bye everyone. Michael: Line it up Phyllis. Creed: Get her Phyll. Darryl: [singing] Out of paper, out of stock, there's friendly faces around the block, break loose from the chains that are causing your pain. Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly, Darryl: Call Michael or Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs. Darryl: Dunder Mifflin. Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people. Darryl: Dunder Mifflin. Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people. Michael: Time out, time out, time out, time out, time out. I thought... I was under the impression that this was going to be a rap. Darryl: What's rap? Michael: Okay, Darryl, wow, you need to learn a lot about your own culture. I'll make you a mix. Darryl: Great. Andy: News flash. I got some juicy updates on Operation Fallen Angel. Remind me to tell you later. Jim: Hey. Pam: No talk, I'm animating. Jim: Why don't we take a quick ten second break from that so I can show you what's going on here. [pulls up Dwight's game] Okay, this is Dwight's Second Life. He's on it all the time. So much so that his little guy here has created his own world. It's called Second Second Life, for those people who want to be removed even further from reality. Pam: Are you serious? Jim: Yeah. Pam: Oh my God, he's really in pain. Jim: [sighs] Pam: Who's that? Jim: Oh, it's just my avatar guy. Whatever. Pam: He looks a lot like you. How much time did you spend on that? Jim: Not much, it's just for tracking Dwight so- Pam: Right... you're a sports writer in Philadelphia? Nice build too. Jim: Yep. Pam: You have a guitar slung on your back. I did not know you played guitar. Jim: I... why don't we go back to this animation. Pam: No no no, I want to see more of Philly Jim. I want Philly Jim. Jim: Ah, show me how this works. Pam: Oh boy. Darryl: [singing in different tune] Out of paper, out of stock, there's friendly faces around the block, break loose from the chains that are causing your pain. Call Michael, Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs. Call Dunder Mifflin. Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people. Darryl: Dunder Mifflin. Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people. Michael: Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop stop. This is not me. This is not my music. Darryl: You're right, it's better than you! It's us! [sings] Dunder Mifflin. Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people. Michael: No, I hate it! I hate it! ...I don't hate it, I just don't like it at all. And it's terrible. Darryl: You're on your own, Mike. [gets up and starts to walk away] Michael: Okay, you know what. Hold on, hold on Darryl. Darryl: You just said you hated it. Michael: No. I said I hate the, the style. Andy: [singing] Break me off a piece of that lumber tar. Snickers bar. Michael: Okay, wow. Wow, this looks uh, terrible. Andy: Break me off a piece of that Grey Poupon. Michael: Andy, Andy, this is a pivotal scene in the ad. And if we don't get this, if we don't nail it, we're going to lose the whole triumph of the moment. The triumph of the will. Now, God, what? What Phyllis? Phyllis: [crying] Well, I got in line to buy Sue Grafton's book and when it came to my turn I asked if she wanted to be in the ad and she said no thank you, but I wasn't supposed to take no for an answer. Michael: That'a girl. Phyllis: So I kept on asking and they finally threw me out of the store in front of all my friends. Michael: Did you, or did you not get Sue Grafton? Phyllis: [sobbing] No. Michael: Ugh, can somebody give her a tissue please? [Kevin hands her piece of tape] Jim: I hope you're not killing yourself on this, because I'm sure it's good enough for Michael's ad that will probably be seen by no one. Pam: Maybe, but it's not good enough for me yet. Jim: Okay. Do you want me to stay? Pam: No no, you can go home. I'm good. Jim: Pam is staying late tonight to uh, achieve her dreams. So I'm pretty proud of her, unfortunately she was my ride home. Meredith: You comin'? Jim: I, ah... Meredith: Piss or get off the pot! Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Jim: Good morning. [Pam sees breakfast sitting on her desk] Yeah I'm sorry, I looked away for a second and Creed snatched your hash browns. Pam: Thank you. Jim: You're welcome. Pam: I worked until about 2:45 AM. And then I had to decide if I wanted to spend the night with Michael editing in his office, and Dwight watching Michael edit in his office, or drive home and probably fall asleep at the wheel and die in a fiery car wreck. I passed out on my keyboard trying to decide. Andy: Let me pour you some bubbly because somebody got to a whole new level last night. Dwight: Andy, I can't hear this right now. Andy: No, no no no, this is good. You know how we haven't really gotten anywhere that I want to get to physically yet? Well, last night, that changed. We're makin' out, I'm kissin' her neck, and cheek and her ear lobe, and she's not really kissing me back. But she closes her eyes and she's like, 'Oh D, oh D.' Dwight: She called you D? Andy: Yeah. D for Andy. Dwight: Oh D. Andy: Oh D. Dwight: [whispers] Oh D. Andy: Oh D! Both: Ohhhhhh D! [laughing] Ohhhh D! Michael: I'm about to send the ad to corporate... and it is sent. They'll probably watch it right away. I know I would. Okay. [dials phone] Pam: [on phone] Yes? Michael: Pam, please clear my phone lines. Pam: Certainly. [makes beeping noises] Okay, clear. Michael: They could call at any second now. [sighs] Oh God...I better call. Michael: [Ten days later] Well, it's been tough. The uh, geniuses at corporate rejected my commercial and tonight they are airing the brain dead version. So welcome one and all to the world premiere of Corporate Crapfest! Everyone: [watching ad] Oh! [clapping and cheering] Bartender: Hey it seemed like a big hit. Michael: No, it was stupid. People like waving, waving sells. It's not art. Yet we made our ad, the real one was full of humor, and full of depth, and full heart and it was real. Jim: Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you put that in the DVD player? Jim: Hey everybody! Just want to welcome you all to the premiere of the real Dunder Mifflin commercial, the Michael Scott director's cut. Hope you like it. Michael's Ad: [Chariots of Fire theme plays] It all starts with an idea. But you can never tell where an idea will end up. [people passing a Corporate Memo around to each other] Because ideas spread, they change, grow. They connect us with the world. [Kelly catches paper airplane that says 'I love you'] And in a fast moving world, where good news moves at the speed of time [newspaper with Andy saying 'Hometown Boy Wins Race'], and bad news isn't always what it seems. [Dwight hands Phyllis paper that says 'You have a son, and it's me'] Because when push comes to shove we all deserve a second chance. [Stanley finds paper that says 'Turn your life around. Now hiring at Dunder Mifflin'] To score. [Jim throws paper in basket, Michael retrieves it; it says 'World's Most Creative Boss'] Dunder Mifflin. Limitless paper in a paperless world. Everyone: [claps and cheer] Jim: Animation? All her by the way. [points at Pam] Bartender: Really? Jim: I just thought you should- Bartender: The animation was cool. Pam: Thanks. Bartender: Hey listen, you ever been on a motorcycle? Jim: Ahh. [puts his arm around Pam] Kevin: Michael, that was fun. Michael: That was fun. Next round of drinks is on me, people! Andy: [singing] Claude Van Damme, Hair for Men, poison gas, NutraSweet. [speaking] It's gotta rhyme with 'piece.' Fancy Feast! [sings] Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast! It's the cat food. Nailed it. Michael: All right! So, anybody else? No bad ideas. Everybody, let's keep 'em coming... oh, God. Okay, Toby? Toby: Well, you know how everyone fast forwards through ads these days? Well, what about an ad in slow motion. You know, if they fast forward through it, it'll just seem normal and it will catch your eye. Plus, uh, the slogan could be: Dunder Mifflin, we adapt to the pace of your business. [murmurs of approval by everyone but Michael] Michael: There are no bad ideas but for an idea, that was really, really bad. Toby: I spent three years in advertising before I came here. Michael: And that is probably why most ads suck. [points to the ad men waiting outside the conference room] Oh, that's them! Those are the ad guys right there. All right, my very fortunate and creative group, go back to your desks and I will let you know when it is time to film. [everyone starts leaving the conference room] [loud whisper] Pam! Pam, come here for a second. Did you get the memo about dressing your best? Pam: Yeah. Michael: About dressing your best today? Pam: Yeah, I distribute so I get all the memos. Michael: Cool. Cool, I just wanted to make sure you got it. Pam: Yeah, I get all the memos. [starts to leave] Michael: Okay, good. Good. Michael: This is Pam Beesly, representing our girl next door. Pretty but nothing special. You know, but she sort of keeps it real. What you might want to do, is if you could zoom in, like really quick zooms on her. Might be good. [walking away] Who else? [pointing] Oh, Creed... is the old guy over there. Don't look at him. You might want to use him to sort of get that Orville Redenbacher dynamic going. Ad guy 1: Sure. Ad guy 2: Right. Michael: And if not we can just make him disappear. [walks quickly over to Jim's desk] This is Jim! Halpert. Jim has a very expressive face, don't you Jim? He is like our Mr. Bean. Jim: Okay. Michael: So do, um, do sad, do the sad face. Jim: I don't want - Michael: No, that's skeptical. Do sad. Jim: Mmm... Michael: That's, that's a pirate movie. [Jim stares at Michael] That's annoyed. Well, he doesn't do very well under pressure. Ad guy 1: [shakes head] Yeah... no. [Jim turns to Pam with an exaggerated sad face; Pam laughs. Dwight walks towards Michael and the ad men] Michael: And anybody else, we can just hire an actor to replace. Follow me! Let's get this movin'. [Dwight goes back to his seat, embarrassed] Michael: All right, let's start. Jim: All right! [sitting down behind Michael's desk] I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing, but... Michael: You are my producer, you are a suit. I am the creative genius. You take care of all the boring stuff, and let my mind just run free. Jim: Yup. Michael: Now, we have eighty-five dollars, and a Sam Goody gift certificate... Jim: Right. Michael: ...and we need to be done by 9 A.M. tomorrow. Jim: Mmmhmm. Why don't you start by telling me what you got. Michael: We start on a single blank sheet of paper. Jim: Love it. Michael: And we widen to reveal ancient Rome. Jim: Mm, can't do that. Michael: Okay, we widen to reveal a spaceship blasting out of a woman's womb. Jim: Definitely can't do that. Michael: Bull[censored] man! Jim: You know what? Michael: This is bull[censored]! Jim: Okay, Scott, why don't you take your head out of the clouds and come back down to planet Earth so we can make a commercial. Michael: Ahhhh! [sweeps toys off his desk] Jim: I'm just doing my job, man. Michael: If you don't let me pursue my artistic vision, I am going to walk! Jim: Good! Fine! I've got one Andy Bernard that will direct this puppy for half your fee... [dialing phone] Michael: No! No! Jim, Jim, don't, don't... Jim: What? What? Michael: No, I can do it. Jim: What? Michael: I can do it good. I can do it good. Please, don't. Please. [kneels in front of desk] Please give me it. Jim: Okay, make a commercial. Michael: [taps on desk and starts to leave his office] Do you want this open or closed? Jim: Closed. [Michael leaves his office, gives Jim two thumbs up, which Jim returns] Michael: Hey, everybody, I just got off the phone with David Wallace, and he has given us the go-ahead to make the first ever Dunder Mifflin television commercial. Huh? Everyone: [applause] Michael: I can't hear you! [less applause] Heard you a little bit less that time. Must be... Dwight: We had already applauded. Michael: Okay, okay. Who could do music? Pam: How about Darryl? Michael: Actually, I'm a little concerned about having a black person do the music, because that could create a positive stereotype that could then become a... celestine prophesy, and keep the next Bon Jovi from ever picking up a piano. Jim: Michael is on a mission to prove that he's creative. Which I think is odd, because Michael actually might be the most creative person I've ever known. Every day, Michael says and thinks things that no one has ever said or thought before.

Rolando: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Rolando. Oh yes, she's been expecting your call. [knocks on door] Karen: Yeah. Rolando: Karen? He's on line one. Karen: Thanks Ro. Hey, we finally connected. How's Scranton? Karen: I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin Utica branch. Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else. Karen: Look, All I'm saying is it would be a great opportunity, and we'd love to have you come aboard. So think about it, okay? Okay, bye. Karen: Look, for the record, a certain Scranton salesman approached me, okay? Michael: This is perfect. Dwight: He looks like your twin. Michael: This is a dummy, a la Ferris Bueller's Day Off. We have tied a string to the wrist, which goes to the door. When somebody opens the door, the hand goes down, hits the remote, turns on the tape recorder, which is me snoring. Now nobody knows whether I am here, or whether I am gone. Dwight: I will know. Michael: But, you will not tell anyone. Dwight: I won't need to because we'll be together playing hooky. Yeah. Michael: Well, sometimes. Most of the time I will be with Ryan, or Darryl. [knock on the door] Yes? Oh good, good Stanley! First victim, this is what I want you to do. Go out, come back in. We're going to hide. I want you to tell me if this looks like me, okay? Stanley: I don't understand why sleeping at your desk is better than you not being here. Michael: Just go out, and come back in. Stanley: I got an offer from Utica for more money, and I'm going to take it. Michael: What? Michael: Hey everyone, can I have your attention please? I just thought you all should know that Stanley Hudson is planning on leaving us, because our old friend Karen from Utica is going to give him more money to work there. All: [applause] Michael: No, no, no, no, no-no, no no. You completely misinterpreted my tone, this is a horrible thing. Clearly, Karen is trying to get back at us because Jim dumped her. Jim: Oh, I don't think that is what's happening. Michael: Okay, smarty pants, then why? Why is she trying to take Stanley from us? Stanley: I think it's because of my sales record. Michael: That could not possibly be it. Michael: You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left, and if Utica thinks that they are going to poach Stanley, they have another thing coming. Michael: How can I get you to stay? Stanley: Money. Michael: Yeah we all want money. But there is none in the budget, so... Tell me why you're really leaving. Stanley: Money. Michael: Mo money mo problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that. Let me ask you this, if I were- Stanley: Money. Michael: Pssh, kay. Pam: Oscar, did you bring it? Oscar: To be Edwardian. His best work. Pam: Okay, well I have the tablecloth, don't forget the flatware. Oscar: Sure thing Pam, can't wait. Pam: Oscar, Toby, and I are founding members of the Finer Things Club. We meet once a month to discuss books and art, celebrate culture in a very civilized way. Sometimes the debate can get heated, but we're always respectful. There is no paper, no plastic, and no work talk allowed. It's very exclusive. Oscar: Besides having sex with men, I would say that the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me. Jim: So tell me again why I can't be part of your club? Pam: Because some people think you monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny. Jim: Oscar? Pam: Some people. Karen: [on phone] Hello? Michael: Fillipellers, how's it hanging? Karen: Michael... Michael: To the left? Karen: Listen, I- Michael: To the right? Karen: I'm- Michael: Okay, enough small talk, go ahead. Karen: You called me. Michael: Yes, listen, um... You cannot tear Stanley from his family like this. Karen: I'm pretty sure his family's coming with him. Michael: No, his work family. Look, this is very hard for me, but I'm going to give you my best man. You may have Toby. Karen: Toby's not a salesperson. Michael: You can train him. He's very very smart, and funny, and charming... You know, I can't do it, Toby is the worst. That- that was a bluff, um... Listen, if you are going to poach one of my guys, I'm going to poach one of yours. Karen: Oooh. Good-bye Michael. Michael: Okay, good-bye. Wait! Wait! Karen, could you transfer me to one of your salespeople please? Your best one? [Karen hangs up] Pam: I have Ben Nugent on the line, he is the top salesman in Utica. Michael: Hi Ben, Michael Scott. Ben: Hi Michael. Michael: I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I'm a genie in a bottle, and I'm going to grant you three wishes. To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend. Ben: Aren't you the guy that hit the woman with your car? Pam: [giggles] Michael: [to Pam] Get out. [to Ben] Uh, yeah. I also saved her life, but I guess that's not as grabby. Ben: Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden. Didn't everyone from Stanford quit, like immediately? Michael: No, I fired them, and your next. ... So what do you say? Ben: Seriously? Michael: What is that guy talking about? Scranton is not lame. Scranton is the cool, fun branch. We're like Animal House. Dwight: Found him! Michael: Jim, we're getting crapped on. Word is that our branch sucks, and we have to do something about it. Jim: So what are you going to do? Michael: What are we going to do? We are going to make a monster sale, that's what we're going to do. Corcroan dropped Staples. Jim: Did they? Michael: Yes they did, oh yes they did, and we are going to murder it. You, me, Dwight are going to jump into my PT Cruiser, and we're going to crush this sale. We're going to prove, what the hell is that music? Pam: It's Vivaldi, for Finer Things. Michael: That's the problem, that's the problem. We need rock n' roll Pam, rock n' roll. Alright? [sees Toby in a bow-tie holding a plate full of tea cups] Oh... My... God, that's why people are leaving. I- I have no words. Jim: We just passed the exit for Corcroan. Michael: What? What? We did? Dwight and Michael: Surprise! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Michael: Look at his face! Look at his face! Jim: What are we doing? Dwight: Egg dripping, blah, blah, blah. Michael: What are we doing, Dwight, what we are doing? Dwight: Well, gee, Jim, I don't know, I guess there's no sales call today. Michael: We are going on a panty raid to Utica, is what we're doing. Jim: We're going to Utica? Michael: Uh-huh. Jim: I'm not going to Utica right now. Michael: Yes you are. Oh, buckle up Jim. Jim: No. Michael: We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you. Michael and Dwight: [chanting] Utica! Utica! Utica! Michael and Dwight: [chanting] Utica! Utica! Michael: In your face Dwight: Yow! Jim: I can't believe you guys. I'm not going to go further piss off my ex-girlfriend. Michael: Are you calling Karen? Jim: No, I'm not calling Karen. Dwight: He's lying. Michael: Yep, get it. Jim: What are you doing? Stop it, Dwight! Dwight: [throws Jim's cell phone out of the window] Gah-ah-hah-ha! Jim: Are you kidding me? Dwight: No communication with the outside world Jim. Michael: It had to be done, it had to be done. Jim: Well, that kind of sucks, because it had all the photos of my brother's new baby on it, so... Dwight: Oh no, that is too bad. Shoot. Jim: Okay. Michael: Hey Dwight, he found it. Jim: You know what? I'm just going to call a cab from here. Michael: Alright, you're going to miss the best prank ever. Jim: Alright. Wait, what are you planning on doing? Michael: Do you really wanna know? Jim: Oh, God. [hangs up phone] Michael: Follow me, come here. Here's what we brought, we brought uniforms from the warehouse. I brought silly string, Dwight brought gasoline and chunks of rubber to make stink bombs. Dwight: Or real bombs. Michael: No, no, not real bombs. Dwight: Yeah, come on, it will be so badass. Michael: Uh, maybe, maybe, I don't know. Jim: No. Michael: It could be badass. Yeah, it will. Jim: No, no absolutely we are not doing this. Dwight: Come on, I already filled the bottles with the gas, it's going to be so badass. Jim: Are you kidding me? We've been driving around with this stuff in the trunk the whole time? Michael: Teach her to offer Stanley more money. Jim: So the deal was, Dwight doesn't blow anything up, and I wear a costume. And a moustache. Michael: So, why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex? Jim: What? Michael: I can't imagine the sex being bad, I mean her body is... Jim: Okay, you know what? Michael: ...awesome. Jim: Why don't we play that alphabet game that you were talking about? Michael: Okay, I will start. Um, 'A.' [singing] 'A' my name is Alan, and my wife's name is Alice, we live in Alaska, and we sell... Damn it! What do we sell? Um... Jim: It doesn't matter. Michael: I'm trying to think of what we could sell. Jim: Doesn't matter. Michael: Ah, la, la, la. What is that? That sound... The air-conditioning leaking or something? Jim: That doesn't make sense, couldn't be. Michael: What is that? Dwight, are you peeing? Dwight: I'm peeing in this empty can. Jim: Oh my God! Michael: Come on man, that is disgusting Dwight! Dwight: Well you said that we couldn't make anymore stops, and I really had to go. Jim: Michael, watch the road! Dwight: Hey, you're making me spray! Michael: I'll kill you man! Jim: Michael! Michael, pull over! Michael: That is just so disgusting! Jim: Pull over, pull over! Dwight: I think I cut my penis on the lid! Oscar: Can you imagine a life where all you have to do is summer in the Italian countryside? Toby: I know right? I just want to go, and look at art, and swim in the Adriatic. Pam: And spend time with George Emerson. That's what I would do. I mean it's the best male protagonist we've read, right? Andy: [joins them at the table] Totally, I mean, come on, such a free spirit. Oscar: What are you doing? Andy: Just came to discuss my favorite E.M. Forester novel. Pam, these finger sandwiches look finger-lickin' delicious Pam. Pam: Uh, I'm sorry Andy, but this is a closed club. Andy: The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. The party planning committee is my back up, and Kevin's band is my safety. Andy: Fine. I'll just sit here, in the common area, and read my book. Which just happens to be the very same book you're reading. Toby: Alright, just know that you're not in the Finer Things Club. Andy: Why can't I be in the club? Jim: I can't believe we're here, I can't believe this is happening. Dwight: Believe it. Michael: Afro wig, do you want the afro wig? Jim: No, Michael. I'm not leaving the car. Michael: Yeah, Dwight, here's how it's going to go down. You and I- Jim: Guy's going by. Shh. Michael: You and I are going to sneak inside and pretend that we are warehouse workers. And then we will silly string the beejeezus out of the place. Dwight: And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guy in the eye with the jumbo chalk. Jim: No, no, you won't do that. Nope. Dwight: Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes. Jim: Dwight, nothing with the eyes, please? Dwight: Okay, Jim. Jim: Oh my God, that's her! That's her, go, go, go. Dwight: Let's move! Move, move, move, move! Jim: Shut up, you, shut up! This is the dumbest thing we've ever done. Pam: I think it's interesting how Forster uses Italy to represent sexuality and passion. [Kevin dumping change in the snack machine] And that also brought up themes of, uh, you know, fate and coincidence. And Lucy's torn between these two things. She's torn between passion and convention. Kevin: Damn it! Pam: It just- [Kevin banging and shaking the snack machine] To be making a case for passion in Edwardian times, I thought was, uh... Oscar: Yes. Kevin: Damn it! [banging machine] Pam: Maybe sort of ahead of his time as a writer. Oscar: Very brave. [Phyllis beeping microwave in the background] Pam: Very brave choice also, I thought. Oscar: And George, his- his youthfulness. His, um, freedom. [Phyllis still beeping the microwave] Evokes, um, um, feeling, um, to the, um... What are you microwaving!? Phyllis: Popcorn. Pam: Why don't you use the microwave in the kitchen, Phyllis? Phyllis: Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn. Andy: So, Stanley, are you really outta here? Stanley: Yep, looks that way. Andy: I'm gonna miss you man, you've been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old uncle Remus. I wanna stay in touch. Michael: [from the walkie-talkie] We are in a stairwell. Dwight: [from the walkie-talkie] We are climbing some stairs. Dwight: I'm breathing heavily. Jim: Okay, you know what? You don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me. Dwight: Well... Michael: There's a guy, there's a guy. Dwight: There's a security guard coming by. Hello, we're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof? Michael: Oh my God, oh my God, that was very close. Dwight: I can see the security guard's eyes. Jim: No, no, don't do anything to them. Dwight: I have to do something to his eyes. Dwight: The eyes are the groin of the head. Jim: Alright, Great Scott, if you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home. Michael: We found something far better, their crown jewel. Their industrial copier. Jim: Isn't that thing huge? Michael: It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're wheeling it down the hall, into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running. Jim: No, that is a terrible idea, don't do this. Michael: Aha! [crashing] Dwight: My hip bone! Michael: We're wedged between the copier and the railing. Ah! Ow! Ow, my leg! Jim leave us. Dwight: Don't leave us! Michael: Save yourself! Dwight: Don't leave us, help us, we need help Jim! Jim: Okay! First of all, stop using my name. And second of all- Michael: Dwight, you gotta move! Jim: Damn it guys! Michael: Dwight, could you move over a little bit. Dwight: I'm losing control of my bladder. Jim: Oh my God, oh my God, Karen is back! Dwight: Did you say Karen? Michael: Take her to a motel, make love to her Jim. Jim: No, I'm not doing that. Michael: Just say you wanna get back together. Jim: No, I'm not doing that! Michael: It doesn't have to mean anything. Just, do it for Stanley. Come on Jim, just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. Ah, Jim, if this is it for me, promise me something, host the Dundies. Karen: Jim? Jim: Hey Karen. Karen: Uh, what are you doing here? Jim: First of all, hi. Karen: What are you doing here? Jim: You good? I'm just checking on the other branches. Michael wants me to do that from time to time, so... Dwight: Do not tell Karen about the industrial copier. Jim: Copy that. Karen: I cried for weeks over that guy, so yeah, seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser in a ladies warehouse uniform, felt pretty good. Karen: Let me ask you, did you accomplish what you wanted? Dwight: Listen lady, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people. Karen: I'm taking Stanley. Dwight: Then we will burn Utica to the ground. Michael: [whispers] Dwight. Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground. [they get up to leave] Karen: Jim, hang on a second? Jim: Yes? Karen: So you're still doing this kind of stuff, huh? Jim: Yeah, trying to quit though. Karen: If you wanted to see me, you could have just called me like an adult. Jim: Oh no, I didn't want to see you. Not that I'm not happy seeing you, right now, I'm just saying ultimately I was here for the copier. Equal, I'd say it was equal. So, good to see you... Karen: [huffs] Jim: I mean, it's just that- [clears throat] You know, Pam and I are still dating, so, and, I just mean that things are going really well, so I didn't want to see... you... Karen: Oh, things are going really well? Are they? They are? That's great, that's so great. I wanna hear more about how happy you are with Pam. Can you tell me more about that? Thank you so much for coming to Utica, and breaking my copier, and telling me how well things are going in your relationship, really, thank you. Jim: [slinking out of the room] Alright, you are welcome. I'm going to go because of, um, traffic. Karen: Traffic, yeah. Oh, def- go, go because of traffic, definitely, beat-beat the traffic, mm-hmm. Jim: I... will... [gives up and walks away] Michael: We tried and we failed. Stanley, you may go. Here is a box, for your things, but I doubt that that box will be able to contain all the memories that you have of this place. Fly away sweet little bird, fly away and be free. Pam, I'm gonna need some help writing a want ad. Michael: Um, wanted: middle aged black man with sass. Big butt, bigger heart. [knock on the door] I can't do this. Stanley: Michael? A word? Michael: Of course. Stanley: I changed my mind, I wanna keep this job. Michael: Really? Stanley: I wasn't really planning on leaving, all I wanted was a raise. How on Earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? [laughs] Sometimes I say crazy things. Jim: Hey. Pam: I'm so sorry, Rolando told me everything. How humiliating. Would it help you to return to another age? A time of refinement, and civility. Jim: Are you inviting me to the Finer Things Club? Pam: [nods head yes] Andy: Oh-oh, come on! Jim: [Irish accent] Angela's Ashes, top o' the morning to us. Frankie's prose is funnier than a pot of gold, say I. Oscar: Okay, did you get it out of your system. Jim: Yep. No, I mean I really liked it. I thought was uh, a fun read. Toby: Fun? Jim: Mm-hmm. Toby: Really? Jim: Yeah. Toby: What was fun about it for you? Was it the death of the twins? Jim: No, that wasn't fun. Toby: Did you even read it? Jim: Of course I read it. Oscar: How does it end? Toby: Who was the main character? Jim: Angela. Nope. The ashes. Pam: [mouths 'I'm sorry' to Oscar] Andy: And let me just add, that as a member of The Finer Things Club, I would bring a strong financial contribution to any discretionary funds that we may have. Finally, here is a recommendation from former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum. Oscar: Okay, that's enough, uh. Thanks, Andy. Andy: Mmmhmm. [leaves] Toby: He's gonna ruin everything. Pam: Oh, my God. His letter of recommendation from Rick Santorum is three fifty-dollar bills. Oscar: Wow. Now we can afford hard-cover books. Toby: I like it just us three. [very quietly] I don't want it to change. Toby: I love The Finer Things Club. My ex-wife used to have a book club, and I would read their book and sometimes listen from the kitchen. Angela: The Finer Things Club was not sanctioned by the Party Planning Committee. Renegade clubs are dangerous. I squashed the Weight Loss Buddy Support Group. They didn't need to gather. It was just gross. Meredith: [slurping her from her big cup] I don't know why I'm not in The Finer Arts Club [slurring]. It's bullcrap. [throws her cup on the floor, something splashes on the camera] You clean it up. Andy: [opens envelope Toby has handed him] Dear Andrew Bernard, after carefully examining your application to The Finer Things Club, we are unable to offer you a position at this place and time. We would, however, like to place you on a list in case an opportunity arises when your inclusion can be tolerated. Your position as an ongoing financial patron, however, is yours to cherish. Sincerely, The Finer Things Club. [pauses to consider] Yeees! [to Phyllis] I got waitlisted. Andy: I got into Cornell off the Wait List. A lot of people were like, 'Oh, you just got into Cornell because your dad donated a building.' No. Okay. I got into Cornell because I'm smart. I'm smart enough to have a dad who donates buildings to things. Michael: Utica is snoozeville, um, Albany are the prepsters, Nashua, no parking, um, Akron is haunted, Camden... is in a basement, Yonkers has the two hot girls, and here in Scranton, we are the cool guys. Michael: Woo! Shotgun! Jim: Well, you're driving, right? Michael: Yes, I am, but I want shotgun for you. Jim: Mmm... I'd prefer to sit in back. Dwight: Wait! I wanted to sit next to you. Michael: No, Dwight! Dwight, Jim is sitting next to me. You're gonna sit in the back left where I don't have to see your ugly moongob. Dwight: Okay, that is so mean! You know what, I'm not going. Michael: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Dwight, you're handsome. You're a very handsome man, get in the car. Dwight: Woohoo! Pam: [on phone] So, there was no sales call. Jim: Nnnno. Uh, turns out, it was just a really bad idea involving fire. But I think I fixed it. Pam: Wait, you're going along with this now? Jim: I have to. Pam, if I'm not there, someone's going to go to jail. Or die. Pam: Right. And, you wouldn't be able to talk to Karen. Jim: Well, I promise you that has nothing to do with it. Pam: A little bit. Jim: Well, yeah I don't want to see her get physically harmed, that's for sure. Pam: Because you love her? [baby voice] Because you love her very much? Jim: All right, I'm gonna go now. Pam: Okay. Have fun with your girlfriend! Jim: Okay, I will. [idiot voice] Pam: I'm kidding around. We joke about that stuff all the time. I'm not really the jealous type, so, I don't care if Jim sees Karen. I care a little. Security guard: They sprayed me in the eye. [Dwight and Michael are trapped by/under a copier in the stairwell] Dwight: [moans] Scranton rules! [sprays Silly Spray] Michael: Dwight! Stop it! [moans] Can you help me please, I'm being crushed. Michael: Would it have killed you to spend the afternoon making love to her in a motel room? Like I begged you to? Pam would have understood. Heck, Pam would have done it. Dwight: Pam is down for anything. Jim: You embarrassed me. Michael: You embarrassed us. Dwight: Yeah. We shoulda brought Andy. I cut a chunk out of my penis for nothing.

Toby: I really didn't think I was going to have a good time, but I did. Totally did. Meredith: I love camping. [in a singing voice] Anything can happen. Toby: Oh, it wasn't camping, it was more of a wilderness retreat. [Michael walks in] Michael: Morning. Toby: Michael. Pam: Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a 'get to know you' weekend. Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him. Pam: Did you sleep in cabins? Toby: Under the stars. It was really beautiful, you should come. Phyllis: Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once. [Michael laughs] Phyllis: Michael wasn't invited on Ryan's camping trip. Toby went, but Michael didn't go. He wasn't invited. Pam: Who went? Toby: Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm, Jeff from Albany and Ryan, obviously. Made so many s'mores, that I finally had to say, 'No more s'mores, no more s'mores.' [everyone in room but Michael laughs, Michael exits break room] Toby: Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing, beautiful experience [Michael knocks on the window behind Toby from outside] Michael: [from outside] Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up. Toby: Michael wasn't invited. Michael: Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping, and you know what hypothetical means? [Jim makes a face] Not real. Jim: Got it. Michael: So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go? Jim: Absolutely, yes. Jim: When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes. Michael: Really? Jim: Yeah? Michael: Oh, you wanna go today? Jim: And I am always busy. Jim: Oh, can't go today, 'cause I'm donating blood. Michael: How often can you actually donate blood? Jim: Is there a limit? Michael: Your body only has a certain amount. Jim: Well, is that it? Or? Michael: Yeah, just this whole Toby, camping thing, uh, seems a little lame. Jim: How so? Michael: A bunch of guys, in a tent? Making s'mores? [makes a noise and gestures with his hands] Jim: What's that? Michael: Hello, I'm Broken Mountain. You know, here's the thing. That's not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself- Jim: Right. Michael: In the wilderness. It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy, or two guys, if your plans change. Jim: Not gonna change. Michael: I wanna do it myself. You know, I want to go and, and find out something about myself, I wanna get outta here. All the cliques, and the office politics. Fluorescent lights. Asbestos. Jim: I thought we had that looked at. Michael: I'm sick of it Jim. I'm sick of this place. Michael: When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called 'Survivorman.' And, it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out in the middle of no where and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal, or be overexposed. Michael: OK, I will only need two things. Roll of duct tape and a knife. Dwight: [winks] I'm on it. [leaves room] Michael: OK. Thirty minutes or less, please come back. Save the receipts. [Dwight comes back with set of knives] Hey, what... Dwight: Let's see if any of these will work. [clears the front of Michael's desk] Michael: Hey, hey hey! Dwight. [Dwight rolls out an assortment knives]. Dwight. Dwight: I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, 'Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place.' Well I say, 'It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.' Michael: Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not. I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow, and perhaps the next day. Pam: Do you want me to ask where you're going? Michael: No. Pam: Great. Michael: Dwight will be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness. Pam: Oh. Michael: Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours. Jim: Hmm, no, the choice is actually yours. Are you sure you want to do this? Michael: Yes, and I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me. Jim: OK, great. Michael: This is a very personal, private experience in the wild, that I wish to share it with me, myself and I. Jim: Yup. Michael: When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being. Jim: That'd be great. Dwight: Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way: no, I do not. Michael: This is what a true survivor man does. You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck. You could only wear the clothes that you have on, and you could only use the stuff you have in your pockets. Now, in this case, this disaster is a serial killer. Creepy guy who's abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead. Dwight: No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape. Michael: Well, yes I would. And I would survive. Dwight: I would make sure that you were dead. Michael: Well... Dwight: First, I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified. Michael: You... Dwight: And they would call me the Overkill Killer. Michael: You... you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real. [blindfolds eyes with tie] OK. Dwight: What are you doing? Michael: I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way, I can't retrace my steps. I don't know what streets we've been- [Dwight whacks Michael with his shoe] Ow! What are you doing? Dwight: It would be better if you were unconscious. Michael: No! Gosh! Dwight. [Dwight tries to hit Michael with his shoe again] Stop it, stop it! Stop it. Dwight: Do you want to do this right or not? Michael: Just, please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life? Angela: Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed's birthday. Jim: Oh, wasn't it just someone's birthday? Angela: Yes. Kelly's was last week, remember? Jim: I do remember, yeah. Angela: It's birthday month. Creed's is today. Oscar's is week after next. Meredith's is at the end of the month. [Jim exhales deeply] Michael usually goes with red and white streamers... Jim: You know what, I have an idea. Why don't we just do one big shared party? Angela: What? Jim: There are thirteen people working in this office, so thirteen times a year Michael gets a cake and balloons, and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast. There are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are. Michael: [flashback to Stanley's birthday] Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug. Jim: And the other is something inappropriate. Or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to 'Happy Birthday.' And he's a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault. Michael: [flashback to Kelly's birthday, hiding in the elevator] Happy Birthday! Kelly: Ahhh!! [drops the papers she was holding] Michael: [flashback to Oscar's birthday, hiding in the break room] Happy Birthday! Oscar: Ahhh! [runs into door and Michael laughs] Michael: [flashback to Phyllis' birthday, sneaking up on Phyllis' car] Happy Birthday! Phyllis: Oh! [Michael laughs] Jim: So... I think, yeah, I think getting these out of the way might be productive. Jim: We can just have one big fun party. Everybody's happy, nobody wastes their time. Angela: I don't like it. [Angela leaves] Pam: Wow! You're shaking things up a bit, huh? Jim: It's a pretty good idea, don't you think? Pam: Do you think it's a good idea? Jim: No... I think it's a great idea. Pam: [smiles] Hmm. Dwight: We're here. [gets out of the car] Michael: Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest. Just the two of us from this point out. Dwight: [leading Michael from car] Here we go. Just the two of us [gestures for camera crew to follow] Dwight: Here we go, into the wild. Mighty forest. Can you smell the trees and the nature? Dwight: Keep going, you're fine. Just some bushes and some thickets [leads Michael into some tall grass] Keep going. You wanted wilderness, you got it. Jim: You know, try sending them another invoice. Oscar: Ok. Jim: Alright. [starts walking away, but returns] Oh, did you see my memo by the way? Oscar: [picks up and reads memo] 'Let's be honest, as fun as birthdays are we could all use a break from the constant cake, so let's celebrate birthday month in style today.' This is really cool. Jim: Right? I was just thinking... Oscar: No, totally, totally. This way we get it all out of the way at once and it could actually be fun. Jim: Right! Exactly. [pats Oscar on the back and walks away] Knew I could count on you. [Oscar rolls his eyes] Dwight: Good a spot as any. [They stop and Dwight starts spinning Michael around in circles] Michael: What are you doing? Stop. Dwight, Dwight. Just - Dwight: I'm just - Michael: Stop. Dwight: Spin. I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction. [stops spinning and takes Michael's blindfold off] Behold. Michael: Alright, good. Thank you, Dwight. Dwight: Here's your knife. Here's your duct tape. Michael: Alright, very good. Ahh, OK. [Dwight gives Michael a hug] Dwight: Good luck, Michael. Michael: Thanks for the ride. OK. Leave me be, Dwight. [Dwight runs off] Meredith: Hey, Jim, can I have my own cake? Jim: What's that? Meredith: I really prefer devils food cake. Jim: Oh, sure. Meredith: Yes! Jim: OK. [Meredith leaves] Pam: Wow! That was easy. Jim: Yeah, people like me I guess. Creed: [knocking from outside window in break room] Jim. Creed: I hate devils food. Jim: Well I think Meredith was just - Creed: Screw Meredith, I don't think it's fair to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday. Jim: Everybody's birthday. Creed: Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake. Jim: What do you want? Creed: I want pie. I want peach pie. Jim: You want a birthday pie? Creed: I want a nice cobbler. Jim: Well, I'm gonna to talk to Angela and we're gonna see what we can do about a pie. Creed: I don't care who you talk to. Just make it happen. Jim: It will be Angela. Creed: You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means. Michael: [to own camcorder] Day One. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape, in case I need to craft some shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about [looks at watch] 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It's really beating down on me now. I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. [cuts pants with knife] OK. OH, there we go. Watch that I don't hit my corroded artery here... Dwight: I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity. Michael: There we go. [standing with short sleeves and short pants] Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here, can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts [ties jacket around neck]. Michael: I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs. [puts pant leg on head like a hat] Michael: See, this is a beautiful piece of material [rips other pant leg in half] This could be used for all sorts of things. Michael: Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable. Andy: Tuna. [rolls in chair to Jim's desk] Jim: Andy. Andy: Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgie the Whale. Jim: Not your birthday. Andy: Well, I'm just saying, you know, if you want to make people happy, namely me, you will have a Fudgie the Whale. Jim: Alright, I'll look into it, but the answer's no. Andy: Wow, OK, harsh. Just don't expect me to show up. Jim: Hey, Andy, I have some calls to make. Andy: Loud and clear. [rolls in chair back to desk] Jim: Alright. [Andy rolls back] Andy: Pizza rolls. Jim: OK, I'm gonna go into this office here [gets up and walks into Michael's office] to do some work. So I will be in here. Andy: Mushroom caps. Michael: I am totally alone right now, with only my thoughts. I love it. I'm loving it. I can literally say anything I want. No one is gonna here me. [screams] Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! Doesn't even matter. Dwight: Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don't know what he's searching for out here. [pulls a nest from a tree] I hope he finds it. [picks up some bird eggs] Lunch. Michael: Well it is a little chillier than I had thought, so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels, nice juicy rabbit would be delicious. Dwight: About two more minutes [cooking bird eggs]. Michael: I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn't come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I'm startin' to feel it a little bit. Ohh... It's Creed's birthday. [singing] Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy. Meredith: What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday, so what if there's a lot of them? Kevin: Yeah, I work hard all day. I like knowing that there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break. Stanley: I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die. Oscar: Why don't you just have an apple? Stanley: Why don't you mind your business? Creed: Listen, I figured this out. Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago, so he doesn't care. Oscar: Probably went to his head. Creed: Yeah. [Jim enters room] Oscar: Hey, Jim. Jim: Hey guys, what're we talking about? Creed: Nothing! Nothing going on. We're talking about nothing. C'mon gang. Michael: Well if you take a look at this, I tented my pants. I've made myself a nice pants tent shelter. And this little guy [pats a large tree trunk] may be Dunder Mifflin paper some day. Dwight: Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is... [clicks rifle into safety mode] on. Toby: [knocks] Hey Jim. Jim: Toby. Toby: Hey, I just got the word on the communal birthdays. Great idea. Jim: Oh, thanks man. Toby: Yeah... Jim: Is there anything - Toby: My birthday was two months ago. Jim: Oh, OK. Toby: There was no party. Jim: What? Toby: Well, it... there was. But Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday. You know, people sang in the parking lot. Jim: I remember that. Toby: I don't know, I just thought you could include me. Jim: Seriously? Toby: I just though you could add me. I don't see the harm in that. Jim: Toby's great. He's great, but sometimes he can be a little bit much. [in Toby voice] I don't see the harm in that. Well, it's a cake Toby, so, c'mon. Jim: OK. Yeah, you know what, we're just gonna throw you in. Because more the merrier, right? Angela: No. No way. I am not a machine, Jim. You can't just change plans willy nilly and expect these little magic party elves to do your bidding. We already have devils food, peach cobbler, Fudgie the Whale, mushroom caps. Toby: I'm allergic to mushrooms. Jim: That's a bummer. OK, then we need to...[steps outside office] Hey everybody. Hi, how you doing? Can I have your attention please? 'Cause we have to talk about this birthday thing. Pam: [raises hand] Conference room? Jim: Yes, conference room in five minutes... No. No. We're gonna solve it right here. We're actually gonna talk about it out here. So, who has problems with the birthday thing? [everyone raises hands] One, two, three, everybody. OK, so then we just shouldn't do it. Angela: What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie?' Kevin: Oh, I'll take 'em. Creed: Well nobody's touching my cobbler. Phyllis: [raises hand] Hey, Michael. I mean Jim. Jim: Yup, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact. Michael: Under this tree, I think I struck the mother load. Those [points camera to mushrooms] are nature's best mushrooms. Wild, and I have to say these little buggers are damn tasty as well. [puts them in mouth] Dwight: Stop! No, no Michael! Nooo! Nooo! [runs up to Michael and knocks him over] Nooo! Arghh. Get, get them out. [picks out mushrooms from Michael's mouth] Everybody: Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday [Michael joins in with high note] to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. [Creed blows up candles on pie] Michael: Yeah! [everybody clapping] Alright, skip around the room. Skip around the room. We want - OK, alright. Yeah, don't do that. You're gonna break something. Michael: Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television, and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to have to struggle to survive. I don't need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don't need fresh air, because I have the freshest air around, A.C. And I don't need wide open spaces. Check it out. [shows off computer screen scenery] I can also make it the sky. Michael: Hey, buddy. Jim: Hey. Michael: What up? Jim: Sure glad you're back. Michael: You are relieved. Jim: You have no idea. Michael: So what did I miss? Jim: Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once. Michael: Oh. Jim: So, terrible idea. Michael: Yeah, okay, I did that. Rookie mistake. Jim: You did do it? Michael: Uh huh. Yeah, just wait. Ten years, you'll figure it out. Jim: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years. Michael: That's what I said. That's what she said. Jim: That's what who said? Michael: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard. Jim: That's what she said. Michael: Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward. Michael: Come in! Pam: Oh, it's Creed's birthday today. Should we get him an ice-cream cake? Mint chocolate chip? Michael: Pam, are you my friend? Pam: Oh, no. Michael: We have been friends forever, right? Pam: Yes, I have been working with you forever. Michael: Hypothetically... would you go camping with me, if I were to ask you? And bear in mind that I would never actually ask you to go camping. That Jim is also a friend of mine, and I would rather die than make any sort of improper ovation toward you. Pam: I don't think so. Pam: Here's the thing. When Michael invents a hypothetical situation, he eventually turns it into an actual situation. Michael: Do you understand that Jim is like a brother to me, and I would never do anything inappropriate? Pam: I do. Michael: So, as friends, would you go with me on a camping trip? Pam: No. Michael: Thank you for your honesty. Pam: You're welcome. Open or closed? Michael: Split the difference. Hey... mint chocolate chip, please? Is Jim out there? Pam: No. Michael: Can you send Dwight in here? Pam: Yeah. Dwight, Michael wants to see you in his office. [Dwight runs in] Dwight: You wanted to see me? Michael: Mmhmm. I had something very personal I would like to discuss. [Dwight closes door, takes off glasses, kneels in front of Michael's desk] Would you go find Jim, and send him in here, please? Dwight: I'm on it. Pam: Michael has employed Dwight to track you down. Jim: How much time do I have? Dwight: Jim, Michael's office. Pam: Couple minutes, give or take. Dwight: Now, Jim! Dwight: And this... is a Hassenfass. Case-hardened steel. One side, as sharp as you'd ever want something to be. The other side serrated for maximum damage. Michael: Okay. Dwight: Look at that. Perfectly balanced. This is a fine precision instrument. Michael: All right, Dexter, just give me the knife. Dwight: Don't you want a sheath for that? Michael: No, just get me a case. [Dwight looks at the camera, lifts his leg onto the desk, removes the sheath from his ankle, and gives it to Michael] All right. Dwight: Anything else? Flint... Michael: MmMmm. All I need... Dwight: Parka... Michael: No, Dwight! Dwight: Tent, rainfly, gorp... Michael: I'm telling you, all I will need are my instincts and my will to survive. Dwight: Mmmnnnnmmm... Michael: [holding up knife] What is this called again?

Oscar: So the figures show improvement right there, Michael. And again- [Pam walks in and shows Michael a note] Michael: I'll call back. Kevin: You never call back. Pam: Every time Michael's in a meeting, he makes me come in and give him a Post-It note telling him who's on the phone. I did it once, and he freaked out. He loved it so much. The thing is he doesn't get that many calls. So he has me make them up every 10 minutes. Michael: [Pam walks in and shows Michael a note that says 'Good Morning'] Yeah, um, tell him I'll call him back. Jan: [laughing] Michael: You can't always work 200 days though. Michael: [Pam walks in and shows Michael a note that has a smiley face] Oh, no, no, no, I don't have time for this. Tell him I'm in a meeting. [Jan looks impressed] Ryan: You have to know how to work this. There's no excuse for this. Michael: Yep. Ryan: I can get you a tutor if you need- [Pam walks in and shows Michael a note with a waving, smiling Hot Dog saying 'Hiya Buddy'] Michael: Oh. Ah, this is a very important client. But, I have the most important client sitting right in front of me, my boss, so I will call him later. Ryan: Oh, no, no, no, customer service is obviously priority one. You can take the call. Michael: N-No, money isn't everything Ryan. And you're my friend, and I don't want to be rude. Ryan: Take the call, friend. Michael: I refuse. My house, my rules, I insist. Ryan: I insist you take your work calls. Michael: Uh, okay, all right. Pam, would you put the call through? [Pam pushes a button the phone] Hi buddy. Jan: I don't know, it's just, ugh, I never felt welcomed there, you know? It's such a...boys club. Michael: Yeah, I hate that. Jan: Good. Michael: So, here's the deal. Um, I am on my way to New York to be deposed as part of Jan's wrongful termination law suit. The company fired her for having the courage to augment her boobs. Jan: And they displayed a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior. Michael: Yes, yes. Pat-tern. Patt-ern. My friend Pat took a turn. That's how I remember that. Could we pull over and put down the top? I'm feeling a little queasy. Jan: Um, no, I want it up. My hair. Michael: Well- Jan: Remember, it isn't just a pattern, It's a pattern of disrespect, and inappropriate behavior. Michael: Disray .My friend Disray got news specs. Disray spect. My friend Inappro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor. Jan: Does this work for you? Michael: Yep. Tell them how much you're gonna get if you win. Jan: Uh, come on Micheal, that's tacky. Michael: Million dollars! Jan: Four million. Michael: Four million dollars! Man that is a lot of guacamole. A lot of the green. Lot of green. That is why I have memorized Jan's answers, and I have also thrown in some errs, and ahhs, to make it seem like it's not memorized. Jan: No, Michael. Oh, come on. Michael: Perfect crime. Jan: Stop saying ridiculous things. He's just gonna tell the truth, the truth is-is very...you know, complicated, so we went over it carefully, and-and just so we wouldn't leave anything up to chance or Michael's judgment. Michael: Could we please pull over and pull down the top, I do not feel good. Jan: Michael, I told you, I am not putting the top down. Michael: I'm getting car sick! Ugh, I'm gonna puke. I think I'm gonna throw up. Jan: All right, fine, just a second. Hold on. Michael: Hey, Schneider, real quick. What do you call a butt load of lawyers driving off a cliff? Lester: A good start. And I think it's busload. Michael: Yeah, a bunch of rich lawyers took the bus. [To Jan] Where did you find this guy? Hey, there he is. Ryan: Hey Michael. Michael: Hey hey. Ryan: I'm glad you're here. I actually need to talk to you for a second. Ryan: Could we talk off the record? As friends? Michael: I would love that. Ryan: Jan... has put the company in a very tough position here. Now you've been with us for a long time. Over 10 years, right? We just want to be sure that you won't do anything to hurt us with your testimony. Do you understand? Michael: Abso-fruitley. Yeah. I'll-I'll do anything for the company. Ryan: Good. That is great to hear. Michael: It is. Darryl: [playing ping-pong] Game, son! Jim: All right, let's run it back. Pam: The warehouse got a ping pong table last week. Now Jim comes down and plays with Darryl. Sometimes I bring him juice. My boyfriend is 12. Kelly: What has two skinny chicken legs and sucks at ping pong? Pam: Hi, Kelly. Kelly: Guess whose boyfriend it is? Pam: I don't wanna guess. Kelly: I'll give you a hint: It's not my boyfriend. I think it's a guy over here [points to Jim]. Kelly: I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact so I got the evidence right there. Pam: Jim. Can I see you for a second? Jim: Sure. Jim: Wow. Pam: Okay, it's not regulation size, but it'll do. You have to practice. You have to get real good and beat Darryl. Jim: Oh, I can't beat Darryl. Pam: Please? Kelly's trash talking me because Darryl is beating you. Jim: What, seriously? What is she saying? Kelly: [flashback, to Pam] Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball. Kelly: [flashback, to Pam] Jim couldn't hit a ping pong ball if it was the size of the moon. Kelly: [flashback, to Pam] Were Jim's parents first cousins that were also bad at ping pong? Jim: So you're asking me to defend your honor against Kelly? Pam: Sorta, yes. Jim: Bring me players. Pam: Okay. Diane Kelly: Hi everyone, I'm Diane Kelly. I'm the company's chief legal counsel. Michael: Hi. [Michael sees Toby] No, no, absolutely not. What is he doing here? Diane: Toby? Michael: Are you renewing your divorce vows, before my deposition? Toby: Michael, I'm your HR Rep. I'm on your side. Michael: Never. I want him gone. I don't talk until he leaves. Jan: Michael, just relax, okay? Diane: You know, I think they're, uh ready for us now. So.. Michael: Okay. All right. Deposition Reporter: Mr. Scott. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Michael: Yessh. Lester: Mr. Scott, can you describe the circumstances of Ms. Levinson's termination? Michael: Well, it was not just termination. It was a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior. Lester: Oh. Very good. Well put. Jan: People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater. Pam: Hey, Kevin. Jim needs to see you. Kevin: About what? Pam: He needs help balancing some travel receipts. Kevin: Are you sure he wants me? Because I have Oscar balance my travel receipts. Pam: Yeah, no, he asked for you specifically. He's in the conference room. Kevin: [enters conference room and sees ping pong table] Oh, awesome! [Pam puts 'Meeting in Progress' sign on the door] Lester: How long have you known the plaintiff? Michael: I haven't actually seen it. But I have seen the firm, and I am planning on renting The Pelican Brief Lester: How long have you known Ms. Levinson? Michael: Six years and two months. Lester: And you were directly under her the entire time? Michael: That's what she said. Lester: Excuse me? Michael: That's what she said. Lester: Ms. Levinson told you she was your direct superior? Michael: Uh, wh-why would she say that? Jan: Can we just move on to another question? Diane: No wait, I don't understand. Who's on record on saying this? Lester: With all due respect, I'm in the middle of a line of questioning. Now Mr. Scott, what did you say Ms. Levinson said? Regarding your employment status with respect to her corporate position. Michael: Come again? That's what she said? I don't know what you're talking about. Jan: Okay, if I may, he was just telling a joke before, so can we move on to another question? Lester: Oh, are you sure? Jan: Uh, yes. Lester: Can you go back to where this digression began? Deposition Reporter: [reading off paper] Mr. Schneider: And you were directly under her the entire time? Mr. Scott: That's what she said. Michael: Well, delivery is all wrong. She's butchering it. Kelly: [Pam leaving bathroom, Kelly entering, awkward moment, Pam steps aside to let Kelly in] Yeah, that's what I thought. Lester: Did Ms. Levinson ever say why she thought she was being fired? Michael: She thought it had to do with the twins. That's what I call them. Lester: Can you be more specific? Who are the twins? Michael: Um, to be delicate, they hang off milady's chest. They... make milk. Lester: You don't need to go any further. Her breasts. Michael: Yes. Lester: She thought it had something to do with her recent breast enhancement surgery? Michael: Yes, and frankly, the timing was nothing short of predominant. Lester: What about your romantic relationship with Ms. Levinson? Could that have played a part in her termination? Michael: Well, if it did, then the company is breaking its own rules. Lester: Interesting. How so? Michael: Because before we started dating, we disclosed our relationship to HR. And I have the proof right here. [makes a gasping sound] Diane: Okay, the company has just a few clarifying questions, Mr. Scott, if that's okay with you? Michael: I will allow it. Diane: Um would you mind please just, uh, taking a quick look at, uh, this photograph please. [Diane hands Michael the photo of Jan and Michael in Jamaica] Michael: Uh... Diane: That is you and Ms. Levinson in Jamaica, is that correct? Michael: Uh-huh. Diane: And that photograph was taken more than two months prior to this start of your relationship. Does that sound right? Mr. Scott, the timeline here is actually very important. Please, when did your relationship actually begin? Michael: Ugh. Well, de-depends on how you define 'begin'. I mean, if it was from the first time we shook hands, that's like six years ago. If it's from the first time we kissed, that's like two years ago. Diane: Wait, excuse me? Michael: If it was the first time we kissed sober, it was like four months after that. Lester: Could we take a short break? Diane: No, uh, are you telling me that your relationship began two years ago and not in February as you previously testified to here? Michael: Line. Diane: I'm sorry, what? Man: He asked for a line, like in a play. Deposition Reporter: [reading off paper] 'Mr. Scott, do you realize you just contradicted yourself?' 'I did?' 'Yes you did.' 'Can I go to the bathroom?' 'No.' 'I really have to, I've been drinking lots of water.' 'You went five minutes ago.' 'That wasn't to go to the bathroom, that was to get out of a question.' 'You still have to answer it.' 'First can I go to the bathroom?' 'No.' Jim: Good game Meredith. Meredith: Don't patronize me. Dwight: All right! What is going on here? Jim: Dwight! Thank God you're here. As it turns out, one of our biggest clients is a ping pong master, and I have to play him tomorrow, or we lose the account. Can you help me out? Will you help me practice? Jim: [Dwight and Jim are playing ping-pong, and Dwight scores] What the hell? Dwight: I told you. Dwight: All of my heroes are table tennis players. Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wang Tao, J'rg Ro'kopf, and of course Ashraf Helmi. I even have a life size poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall. And the first time I left Pennsylvania was to go the hall of fame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba. Michael: Jan and I had an off again, on again relationship for two years. And I know this destroys her case, and I am sorry, but I throw myself at the mercy of the deposition. Diane Kelly: Thank you, Mr. Scott. That's all we needed to know. Lester: Wait, we'd like to enter to the record a page from Michael Scott's personal journal. Michael: Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What are you doing with my diary? Lester: This is plaintiff's exhibit 107. I quote from an entry dated Janruary 4 of this past year. 'Just got back from Jamaica. Tan almost everywhere. Jan almost everywhere. Hehe. Oh diary, what a week. I had sex with my boss. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere. Jan was very specific that this is not going anywhere, that it was a one time mistake. But we had sex six times so you tell me. I am definitely feeling very eerie.' Michael: Irie. Lester: Irie, sorry. 'More tomorrow. xoxo, Michael.' It would appear, that neither you nor Ms. Levinson considered you had a relationship in any sense of the word. Is that correct? Diane Kelly: We're gonna need to see a copy of that entire journal before we proceed. Michael: I don't think anyone in this room has the right to read my diary. Diane Kelly: It's basic discovery. We have the right to review it. Man: OK, let's make ten copies of this diary. Toby: Um, can you make it eleven? Man: Eleven, sure. And we'll break for lunch, so everyone can have a look. Michael: [looking for a place to sit, goes to Toby's table] Can I sit here? Toby: [nods] ...You know, I, uh, I know a little about what you're going through in a way. Um, when I was a kid, my parents got divorced. They both wanted custody, and they both asked me to testify against the other one in court. So, I don't know, I didn't want them getting divorced in the first place you know? I loved them both so much. I just wanted... [Michael pushes Toby's food tray off the table and walks off] Michael: How can you give up my diary like that? Jan: I had to, I'm sorry but I need to win this. We need to win this. Michael: How'd you even find it? Jan: You keep it under my side of the mattress. Michael: I don't like lump. I'm really upset about this. Jan: Alright, I stole your diary and gave it to my lawyer. You emailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even. Michael: Fine. I love you. Jan: I love you too. Diane Kelly: [looking at a copy of Michael's diary] Mr. Scott, who is this other woman, Ryan? Who you refer to her as 'Just as hot as Jan, but in a different way.' Michael: Not a woman, just a cool, great looking, best friend. Lester: Aren't we trying to determine whether Michael or Jan were engaged in a romantic affair? Not Michael and this Ryan person. Toby: [laughs out loud] Excuse me. Michael: Alright, alright. This is the way I see it. Yes, I had sex with Jan, and yes, I did consider Jan to be my girlfriend. However, Jan clearly didn't consider me to be her boyfriend. So her actions are completely rightful. Diane Kelly: OK Mr. Scott, it's, it's admirable the way you defend a woman who is so obviously ambivalent about her relationship with you. Michael: Thank you very much. You didn't have to say that. Diane Kelly: Considering she consistently gave you such poor performance reviews. Michael: That was before our relationship. She was going through a divorce, and she was drinking a lot... [Jan glares at Michael] ...of water. Diane Kelly: Mr. Scott, this is a copy of a particularly negative performance review. Would you mind, uh, reading the date on that please? [slides the performance review towards Michael] Michael: March 17th. Diane Kelly: And that would be a month after your relationship became official, is that correct? Michael: Yes. Diane Kelly: You may read the, uh, highlighted portion out loud if you'd like to. Michael: [reading the performance review] 'I am out of carrots. I am out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee, and a poor branch manager. I recommend he be removed from that position and re-assigned to sales where he belongs.' Diane Kelly: Mr. Scott, after hearing that wouldn't you say Ms. Levinson's judgment is, at least, very seriously flawed? Michael: [stares at Diane, eyes tearing up] Diane Kelly: Mr. Scott? Pam: [walks in the conference room where Jim and Dwight are playing ping-pong] How's it going? Dwight: Well, he has gone from completely hopeless to simply miserable. Jim: Check this out though, spin serve. [serves, and Dwight scores] Well, it works like 80% of the time, so... Pam: Nice. So, should I reschedule the rematch with Darryl now? Jim: I think I'm ready. Pam: I'll make the call. Dwight: Wait a minute, Darryl is the client? ...No, no, no. He works here, dumbass. Jim: ...Right. Spin-serve! [serves, and Dwight scores] Michael: How can you do that to me? Jan: [looks at Lester] Lester: You can respond, just remember it's all going into the record. Jan: Michael, I am not the enemy, OK? Dunder Mifflin is the enemy. Michael: Dunder Mifflin has always treated me with the utmost respect, with loyalty. They were going to give me your job and I should have taken it. Jan: Alright, wait. Before you go any further, let me show you what kind of loyalty they have, OK? Lester, please read that part of Wallace's deposition. Lester: Starting at paragraph 6. Council: 'Mr. Wallace, regarding Michael Scott, was he a contender to replace Jan Levinson?' David Wallace: 'Yes.' Michael: See? I was his number 1 contender. I was being groomed. Lester: Council: 'Was he your first choice?' David Wallace: 'Michael Scott is a fine employee who has been with the company for many years.' Council: Was he in the top 5 of contenders?' David Wallace: 'What do you want me to say? Come on, he's a nice guy. There were many people that I considered.' Council: 'Was he seriously being considered for the corporate job?' David Wallace: 'No.' Lester: I have one more question, Mr. Scott. Wouldn't you agree with Ms. Levinson that the company exhibits a pattern of disrespect toward its employees? Michael: ...Absolutely not. Pam: [watches Jim score in ping-pong against Darryl] Yes! Way to go. [looks at Kelly] See that? Kelly: Yeah, the floppy haired girl you date won a point. Darryl: 19, serving 4. [serves and scores] Kelly: Woooh! Nice baby! Nice one! [starts singing] Hey, hey, you, you! I don't like your boyfriend! Cuz, cuz, cuz, cuz, cuz he sucks at ping-pong! Pam: You know what? I'm sick of this! Let's go, you and me! Kelly: What? Pam: Let's go. Pick up a paddle. Kelly: OK. Bring it on. Pam: I am. Kelly: Think you can handle this? Pam: In my sleep. Kelly: OK. Volley for serve, P. [serves] Pam: O. [hits the ping-pong ball, and it hits the net] [serves] P. Kelly: O. [hits the ping-pong ball, and it hits the net] Jim: Do you want to go play on the table upstairs? Darryl: Yes. David: Michael. I am very sorry. Michael: Oh, hey no biggie. Just... David Wallace: No, no, no, no, no. This was rough. We never meant for you to get caught in the middle of this. I'm very sorry. Michael: [nods and shakes hands with David Wallace] Hey, David? David: Yeah? Michael: I think you're a nice guy too. David: Thanks, Michael. Michael: Why did I do it? I don't know. Jan said that it was because of the photo that she revealed the diary. But she already brought the diary with her to New York, so... You expect to get screwed by your company, but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend. Michael: [Driving with Jan in the car] What do you want to do for dinner? Jan: How about Chinese? Michael: Sure trying to save some money... get something cheap. Jan: That was my cheap suggestion. Chinese was my cheap suggestion. Michael: Do you fast food? Jan: Fine, fast food's fine. Jim: So, where did you learn how to play? Creed: Cambodia. You? Jim: My friend's basement. All right, ready to start? Creed: Let's do this thing. [Creed loses the first point, tosses his paddle on the table and starts taking off his shirt. Jim retrieves the ball and looks back to see Creed with his shirt untucked and unbuttoned] Jim: What are you doing? Creed: We're not playing strip pong? [Jim shakes his head no] Okay. [Creed picks up paddle] Oscar: I totally see that. [looking at spreadsheet] Jim: Right. There, first... Oscar: Yeah, yeah. Jim: I think that's the question that you had... Pam: What are you doing? Oscar: It's a problem with the client. I think, Jim... Pam: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. [makes 'talking' gesture with her hand] Jim, come on, we gotta get in there and practice. Okay? I'm not kidding! Jim: Wow. [heads toward the conference room] Pam: Now. Get good work done. Concentrate. Jim: All right. Pam: On your backhand. [Jim opens the conference room door and enters] Stanley: Booyah! [laughs] Phyllis: [laughing] Thought we were playing for fun. Stanley: No one paid me to say 'Booyah.' Now pick up the ball. Phyllis: But it's closer to you. Stanley: [kicks ball toward Phyllis] Now it isn't. Jim: What are you guys doing? Phyllis: Oh, we're in a meeting. Jim: Oh yeah, how long's this meeting going to last? [Stanley mumbles, looking at his watch] Angela: [calling in, unseen] I have next meeting! Andy: I played a lot of pong growing up. I spent a lot of time on cruise ships. I'm also a monster snorkler. Andy: Okay, you know what, this table's not regulation. Jim: Good eye - it's an oval. [Andy compares his arm length to his side of the conference table] You're measuring the table. Andy: Do you know anything about physics? Jim: Do you? Andy: Just serve. Let's go. [hits one into net] Dammit! These balls are weighted weird, aren't they? Jim: Yup. Andy: Yeah. Get another one. [throws the offending ball at Jim, who takes another from his pocket] Jim: Now, wait a minute. You're not gonna punch a wall, or me, or anything like that if you don't win the point, are you? Andy: I don't know! No, okay, just... serve! Michael: I have some, uh, experience. I, um, once had to testify in a traffic accident case. Man: Then you're an old hand at this. Michael: Yes. My testimony was actually very important, um, because the accident was my fault. [To Toby] Tell Meredith I said it another time [Toby nods]. Jan: Yes, Michael is going to be cross-examined today, which'll be very, very risky for me, nonetheless, not an easy decision to make, but it's a deposition. It's not going to be in front of a judge. And it's four million dollars. Michael: Before we continue, I would like to make an opening statement. Man: Fine. Please be brief. Michael: [clears throat and stands] Ladies and gentlemen of... the... table. I would just like to say what a joy it is for me to be here today, but frankly, at my age, it's a joy to be anywhere [no one laughs]. I'm only forty-four, so I'm not old, and I guess that doesn't really play. But the point is, I have a sense of humor. And I implore you all to have a sense of humor as well. Jan, David, my wonderful girlfriend [indicates Jan, then turns to David Wallace], my gorgeous company... Why don't we all just take a big deep breath... and just relax [breathes in deeply, no one responds]. Good. That feels good [sits]. All right. Everybody feel better? Diane Kelly: Two years ago, when you quote 'kissed and fondled in the Chili's parking lot' [Jan sighs and shakes her head], were you aware of company guidelines specifically discouraging that behavior? Michael: Na, Na-oh, Naa-es. Diane Kelly: Yeah, I'm sorry, that's not a word. Michael: Ye-ohh. Ye-no. Diane Kelly: Okay. Were you aware that when Jan was with you, she claimed to be visiting clients, or, uh, traveling to see her sister in Scottsdale? Michael: Very nice! [Borat voice] Diane Kelly: I'm sorry. Excuse me? Michael: High five! [Borat voice] Jan: Sometimes when he gets nervous he, uh, talks like Borat. Diane Kelly: Okay, Mr. Scott, would you mind, um, speaking in your normal voice for us. Please. Michael: [shakes head] Can't stop. Diane Kelly: Okay [nods]. Michael: Forgot normal talk.

Stanley: This is ridiculous. Phyllis: Do you have any idea what time we'll get out of here? Michael: Nobody likes to work late, least of all me. [to Jim] Do you have plans tonight? Jim: Nope I don't, remember when you told us not to make plans 'cause we're working. Michael: Yes I remember. Mmm, this is B.S. This is B.S. Why are we here? I am going to call corporate. Enough is enough, I'm - God, I'm so mad! [on phone] This is Michael Scott, Scranton, well we don't want to work. No we don't! It's not fair to these people. These people are my friends and I care about them! We're not going to do it! [hangs up] Everybody I just got off the horn with corporate and basically I told them where they could stick their little overtime assignment. Go enjoy your Friday. Dwight: Thank you Michael. Michael: All right, happy Friday. [to Jim] Well I think we dodged a bullet there. Jim: I think you did. Michael: I think we should celebrate. How about you, Pam, mi casa, a little dinner, dancing, drinks? Jim: Oh, I- Michael: You said you didn't have plans. That's what you said. Jim: Michael has asked Pam and me to dinner at least 9 times. And every time we've been able to get out of it. But I've got to give him credit, he got me. Because I'm starting to suspect that there was no assignment from corporate. Dwight: Michael, what time should I be arriving? Michael: Dwight, it's couples only. And besides, I only have six wine glasses, so it will be me and Jan, and Pam and Jim, and Angela and Andy. Andy: Hey-o! Dwight: Does it bother me that I wasn't invited to Michael's dinner party? [breaks down crying] Jan: Hi. Michael: Hello. Jim: Hi. Jan: How are you? Michael: Come on in. Good to see you. Jan: Chilly huh? So glad we finally got to do this with you guys. You wanna take their coats babe? Michael: Yes I would. So, what have you been doing? Jim: Let's see, since I saw you an hour ago? Michael: Yeah. Jim: I have been getting ready and then driving over here. Michael: Well we have been doing pretty much the same thing. Jim: Really? Michael: Except driving. Pam: We got you this. [gives a bottle of wine] Jan: Oh well Pam, thank you, this will be great to cook with. Michael: Well have a seat, or come on in, or, I don't know, make yourself to home. This is our casa. Pam: It's really nice. Jan: So what do you guys think, should we do the tour first or the appetizers first? Jim: Tour, let's do the tour first. Michael: Okay. Jan: Do you have a preference babe? Upstairs first? Michael: Totally your call babe. Jan: Alright, well, let's go then, I say upstairs. Jim: Oh, you guys doing a little construction? Michael: Oh, just redoing the sliding glass door. Jan: Yeah, so sorry about this God-awful carpet, we're still a work in progress here. Michael: Well, thats... Jan: This is my office. Michael: Yep, never been used. Jan: Not super exciting. Michael: No. Jan: And this is my workspace. Michael: This is it, check that out, can you smell that? [the room is filled with candles that say 'Serenity by Jan'] Pam: Uh-huh. Michael: As you can smell there's a lot of different odors going on in here. Pam: So you have an office and a workspace? Jan: I do, I cannot create in the same space I conduct business, I'm sure that you're the same with your doodles. [puts a candle to Jim's nose] Smell. Jim: It's fire. Jan: Uh-huh, Bonfire. Michael: Bond. Jan: Men love this one. Michael: James Bond Fire. I am Bond fire, James Bond Fire. Michael Scarn. [clicks tongue] Jan: When I get frustrated, or irritated or... angry, I come up here and I just smell all my candles and it just -poof- goes away. Jim: Just like that. Jan: Just like that. Jan: So this is the master bedroom, and these walls used to like white, like an asylum. So I wanted it to be softer, So I had it painted in eggshell white. Michael: Guess what, white and eggshell white are exactly the same color. Jan: [puts away video camera facing the bed] Babe I thought you said you were going to tidy things up. Michael: Well, I- Jan: Shame on you. Pam: What a cute bench. Michael: Thanks, that's my bed. Jan has some space issues, so I curl up on that puppy. Jim: Really? 'cause... seems pretty narrow... and short. Michael: It's actually a lot bigger than it seems. Look at this. [Lies down] Jan: See, he fits perfectly. Michael: I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out. [reveals a tiny TV] I actually hung this on the wall myself. I want to show you something . A lot of people in the room, need more space? [moves TV back a couple inches] Voila, right in the wall. Jim: Wow. Michael: Sometimes I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it, I love this TV. Oh and I also built this table. Jim: What is that chestnut? Michael: No, I think that is either pine, or nordic cherry. Jan: It's pine. Jim: Michael, I'm just terrible at all this stuff, so that's really cool. Jan: Really? Pam: Yeah, he tried to set up my TIVO for me but then I didn't have audio for a week. Michael: If you ever need any help, I am just a phone call away. Jan: I bet you are. Jim: Well, I saw - oh your Dundies. I'm surprised they're not out on the coffee table for everybody to see. Jan: It was between the neon beer sign and the Dundies so I said 'Honey keep the trophies.' Michael: Oh honey, I have the best trophy right here, aside from my Dundies. Jan: [doorbell] Oh, excuse us just a second. Michael: I'll get it. Jan: [Andy and Angela enter] So glad you're finally able to be here. Angela: [Michael tries to hug Angela] No, no. Michael: Okay. Andy: Tuna! What's up Tuna, we having tuna for dinner? [to Pam] I bet you're sick of tuna right? You probably have tuna every night. Tuna! [to Jan] These are for you. [hands flowers] Jan: Oh, how thoughtful. Michael: Very nice. Andy: Except for one flower, which is for... my flower. Jan: Aw. Angela: What am I supposed to do with this? Jan: How 'bout we do the short tour and then I'll start dinner? Pam: Oh I can help starting dinner if you need it. Jan: Oh no no no, it's just the osso buco needs to braise for about three hours, everything else is done. Pam: Three hours from now or three hours from earlier like 4:00? Jan: You know Pam, in Spain they often don't start eating until midnight. Michael: When in Rome. Jan: Do you have a preference, upstairs first? Michael: Whatever you say babe. Jan: Follow me. Michael: All right. Michael: How 'bout a toast. Shall I? Here's to good friends. All: Cheers. Michael: Kinda sorta an oaky afterbirth. Jim: What was that? Jan: So music, should we turn some music? Michael: Yeah that sounds good. Jan: Do you guys remember my old assistant Hunter? He is an excellent songwriter. Hunter's CD: You took me by the hand, Made me a man, That one night, You made everything all right, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah, Oh yeah, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah. Michael: You know what, Hunter was a terrible assistant, that is why Ryan fired him. Jan: Well I think he's probably just about as reliable as Pam being that it usually takes you an afternoon to get back to me. Angela: Sometimes I think she holds on to faxes. Pam: [To camera] I don't care what they say, I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for... at a dinner party. Andy: [playing charades] No it's a... hump. There's a hump. Jan: Joe Camel! Andy: Okay yes, first name of that animal and the second name is the state where Helena is the capital. Pam: Montana. Jan: Oh! Pam: Joe Montana! Andy: Yes! Yes. Pam: Why didn't you just say 49ers quarterback? Michael: All right, [rhythim clapping] my my my my turn, my my my my turn, my my my my turn. Jan: Babe can you just like really, woah, could you just simmer down? Michae: What, no, I'm just making people laugh. Jan: No. Michael: Yes, I was watching Jim's face. Jan: I was watching Jim. Michael: And he was laughing. Jan: No smiling. Michael: Look at him, he's laughing. Jim: Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game and it's called 'Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests' and they're both winning. So I'm going to make a run for it. [holds cellphone] Jim: You'll never guess, I just got a message from my landlord apparently, my apartment flooded, something with a sprinkler. Pam, we should probably get going and see the damage. Pam: Oh okay. Michael: Well you don't need two of you to do that. Jim: That's true. Um... dinner sounded delicious. Pam I'll see you at home, thank you so much. Pam: Oh Jim, I don't think you're going to abandon this party here all by itself. Jim: I don't know because I everything I own is there. Pam: You can buy new stuff but you can't buy a new party. Michael: That's true, that's a great point. Come on down here. Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends and we are not going to think about all your stuff being destroyed, all right. Andy: Michael, you're up. Michael: All right here we go, this is going to be fun, ready. All right first name is Tom- Jan: No no no, no names, no names, no rhyming, no soundalikes. Michael: All right, Okay, okay, you're getting inside my head. First name is blank and he goes on a cruise, he goes on a Caribbean CRUISE. Angela: I don't know. Jim: Katie Holmes. Michael: No, Baah! But he's married to her! Jim: Oh, Dawson's Creek. Michael: No! It has to be a real person Jim, come on. Okay, no no, I'm gonna pass, I'm gonna pass. Okay, rhymes with Parnold Schporzenegger. Jan: No rhyming! Jim: Not really a rhyme. Angela: Another clue, another clue. Michael: Okay, he is the governor of California, he is the Terminator. Angela: Those aren't helpful. Jim: Tom Cruise! Michael: No! Andy: Time! Michael: God, does anybody read the paper?! Pam: [Michael offers his coat to Pam, who is shivering] Oh, thank you. Michael: You're welcome. Jan: [eyes Pam] I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The um, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it babe or should I tell it? Michael: I don't like that story babe. Jan: Come on, it's a cute story, Michael ran through the sliding glass doors because he thought he heard the ice cream truck! Michael: Stop, stop it! I mean, I like ice cream. Okay? Sue me. Oh, no, don't. I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue, loves lawsuits. You know honey, that door was extremely clean and it looked invisible. Jan: You are so right, you're so right because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges, and then I moved in and I cleaned it so I guess that makes me the Devil. Michael: Ha ha, you are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! Aaahhh I'm burning, help me! Angela: You shouldn't joke about that. Pam: Is there more wine in the kitchen? Jan: I will get it, I will get it, what kind of hostess would I be if I didn't get. It's okay, I don't mind. In fact you know what, girl's trip, Angela come on. Girl's trip. Jan: [checking the oven] Uh, not even close. Angela: So you keep a very tidy house. Jan: You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath, whew. But I don't have to tell you Pam. Pam: No, yeah. What? Jan: Oh well don't tell me that he's really changed since you guys dated. Pam: Oh, are you joking? Jan: Well, Michael told me a little bit about it, but I see the way you look at him. Pam: I have never, ever dated, or wanted to do anything resembling dating Michael, ever. Not ever, not now, not then, not now, not ever, ever. Angela: I've noticed how you look at him at the office. Jan: Mmhmm. Michael: [in the garage] So I spend most of my time right here. Have a hand [the chairs are shaped like hands]. So Jim I noticed you checking out Jan's candles. Jim: Oh no she just put it in front of my face. Michael: Yeah, did you know that candles are the number one fastest-growing product in the scent aroma market? $2 billion dollar a year industry. And for only $10,000, you could become a co-owner of 'Serenity by Jan' What do you think about that? Andy: Thought about it, I'm in. Jim: I'm sorry, are you really trying to get us to invest in Jan's company? Michael: I'm sorry. [doorbell rings] What now? Jan: Coming! [Dwight and a woman are at the door holding wine glasses and a cooler] Dwight: Hello. Jan: What are you doing here? Dwight: We came here to eat dinner and to party, this is a dinner party right? Pam: [whispering] Awesome. Jan: What is he doing here? Angela: Yes, What are you doing here? Michael: Dwight is my friend. Woman: We weren't invited? Michael: You said that I could not invite Dwight because he was not part of a couple, and because we didn't have enough wine glasses. Dwight brought glasses and a person. Jan: Fine, whatever you want, just like always, whatever you want. Michael: Whatever I want? It's never whatever I want. When I wanted to see Stomp, and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see? Jan: We saw Wicked. Michael: When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said, you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure, Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you defintely didn't want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did. You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children. Jan: I am so sorry that I don't want to bring kids into this screwed-up world, okay? But look if you want to have kids, then fine you win. Let's have a [bleep]ing kid. Michael: Do you mean it? You want to have a kid? [Jan walks away] Jan: I hate my life. Dwight: So can we come in? Dwight: Hmmm... Mmm... great turkey leg. Jan: [crying] I'm just gonna check on dinner. [Jan gets up from the table] Dwight: Angela, would you like some of my beet salad? Angela: I hate beet salad. Woman: It's actually really good. Dwight: Hey hey hey hey. [to Angela] I know you love beet salad. I've seen you eat it many times. Angela: The thought of popping one of your beets into my mouth makes me want to vomit. Michael: [leans across to Pam whispering] Pam... I hope she didn't do anything to the food. Pam: [whispers] Like... like what? Michael: I can't prove it but I think she might be trying to poison me. [Jan serves the food] Hey, looks great babe. Andy: Yeah it does. Pam: I know Jan didn't poison the food. I know that. But if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table wouldn't it be me? Michael's former lover? Jan: [Michael dips his steak into his wine] Can you not do that? It's disgusting. Michael: You know I have soft teeth, how can you say that? Jan: Oops. Michael: Excuse me for a second. [gets up from the table] Jim: [to babysitter] So... how do you guys know each other? Woman: I was his babysitter. Pam: And now you guys are dating? Dwight: Purely carnal and that's all you need to know. Jim: Would you write down your e-mail because I have just so many questions... Woman: E-mail? Jim: Nevermind. Michael: Ok... alright... here we go. [takes down huge painting behind his seat and puts up a neon beer sign] There. [plugs it in] Oooookay. Jim: That's nice. Michael: Everybody enjoying their meal? Jan: Hey babe? Michael: Yeah? Jan: How about we take the beer sign down until our guests leave and then we can discuss it. Michael: No. No. I'm gonna leave it up. I think it ties the whole room together. Jan: Ok. [gets up and goes over to the stereo and turns on Hunter's CD really loud] Michael: [to the guests] Jan thinks Hunter is very talented. You know what? I don't think he's that good. Jan: At least he's an artist. Michael: BFD. I'm a screenwriter. Jan: [shouting] AND I'M A CANDLEMAKER BUT YOU DON'T HEAR ME BRAGGING ABOUT IT! Michael: NO ALL YOU DO IS YOU GET ME TO TRY TO WORK ON MY RICH FRIENDS! Jan: FOR AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY! Michael: MAN! I WOULD LOVE TO BURN YOUR CANDLES! Jan: YOU BURN IT. YOU BUY IT! Michael: OH GOOD. I'LL BE YOUR FIRST CUSTOMER! Jan: AND YOU'RE HARDLY MY FIRST! Michael: [yells] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! [Jan gets an evil look on her face and picks up Michael's dundie and throws it into his plasma screen tv] THAT IS A 200 DOLLAR PLASMA SCREEN TV YOU JUST KILLED! Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a year salary plus benefits, babe! [Jan goes upstairs crying.] Woman: I'm gonna get going. Dwight: Fine. Get outta here. Jim: It's getting late. Michael: You know what guys, she'll be out of the bathroom soon. Jim: [Jim and Pam head out the door and there are policemen at the door] Of course Dwight: Get out of my way, I'll take care of this. OK.[to police] Uhhh what seems to be the problem officers? Officer 1: Not now Dwight, We got a call about a disturbance? Michael: Nope. Nope. Nothing disturbing here. Just a couple of friends having an awesome dinner party. Officer 2: The neighbors said they heard some shouting. Michael: Oh... yes. There was some screaming but... um... my girlfriend... threw a dundie at my TV. Plasma. Officer 1: You wanna press charges? Michael: Would she get into trouble? Officer: Yes. She'd be charged. Michael: I will take the fall. I did it. Officer 2: You know you don't have to press charges, you could just try to be more quiet. Jan: [running out the door)] Michael! [pleading] Michael. What are you doing to him? Officer 1: Sir, do you have any other place you can stay? Maybe with one of your friends here? Dwight: [puts his hand on the Officer's shoulder] Michael can come home with me. Michael: Jim? Pam? Jim: Oh... my apartment's on fire Pam: [whispers] Flooded. Jim: Flooded. Dwight: You people. [to Michael] Come on. You're sleeping with me. Michael: No. Dwight: I'm gonna take you home Michael. Michael: Nope. Dwight: Alright. [leads Michael away] Jan: Bye Babe! Pam: [Pam and Jim are sitting in Jim's car in front of Detroit Coney Island Chili Dogs] This is the best burger I've ever had, babe. Jim: You know, babe, I should have told you but... I did something bad. Pam: Hmm? Jim: [holds up Hunter's CD] I stole this. [Pam laughs] For you babe. Pam: [Hunter's voice starts singing, Pam joins in] One night... Michael: My ideals at a party? Easy. Jim. Pam. Ryan. The Mayor. Barack Obama. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Because at the end of the night, Brad or Angelina would have to come and pick him up and I would get to meet them. Shia La Beef because of Disturbia. Umm, all of the children of the world. Val Kilmer. But he probably wouldn't come, too famous. Obviously George Clooney. Umm... And Jan definitely, if there was room. Dwight: I'll tell you about my ideal dinner party. John Wilkes Booth. Lee Harvey Oswald. Osama Bin Laden. John Wayne Gacy. Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer. 'Oh hey guys, welcome to my home. Oh, here comes the waiter with the soup, hope you guys are hungry.' Meanwhile, the waiter suddenly nods at me. [Dwight nods] But I don't acknowledge him. But I know he's an assassin because I trained him. Boom. Two minutes later, five dead psychopaths at my dining room table. All that's left to do is dispose of the bodies and collect the reward. Ugh, it's almost too easy. Jan: A little amuse-bouche, anyone? Pam: [to Jim, quietly] Food! Jan: Okay, trivia! Does anyone know what that means? Andy: I believe it means mouth pleaser. Jan: Oh! Andy: It's French. I studied some French during my semester at sea. Or, shall I say a semester at la mer, which is French for 'sea.' Angela: Andy, was that coordinated by the Cornell Study Abroad Office? Andy: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Angela: The reason I ask is that Andy went to Cornell. Jan: [Michael comes out of the powder room to rejoin the group] Ahh, did you wash your hands, babe? Michael: Yes, I did, for you, princess. Even though I only went number one. [quietly to Jim] I didn't really wash my hands. Ohhh, what have we here? This looks delicious. [picks up amuse-bouche tray] Pam: [quietly] Not with your hands. Michael: [touching and moving each amuse-bouche] They need to be presented... royally... anyone? Andy: Mmm. [takes one and eats it] Michael: Good stuff. All right. Let's get down to some wine drinking. Pam: Oh, my God, [eating a bar in the hallway] I thought I was gonna pass out. [Jim takes it from her and takes a bite] Jim: We should probably get back. Pam: Mmm-mm. I'm probably just gonna stay here for a while, say I got lost. Jan: [coming up suddenly] Are you eating? Pam: It was just a little... Jim: I didn't have anything, Jan. Jan: Really, Pam. This is a dinner party. [walks away. Pam looks at Jim accusingly] Jim: I'm sorry. She scares me. [walks away, Pam keeps eating] Dwight: Michael's dinner party is for couples only, which is why I wasn't initially invited. But that was then. I very recently entered into a serious, monogamous relationship. [looking around] If that idiot ever gets here. Jan: So, this girl that I basically grew up with becomes Miss West Virginia, and then suddenly, all the boys start paying attention to me. And it was funny because, you know, I never even considered myself beautiful until people started pointing it out to me. You know, 'Jan, wow, you are so much more beautiful than Miss West Virginia.' [laughs] Ah, so that is why I uh... wait, Pam, what was your, what was your question?' Pam: Where did you grow up? Michael: It's been a rough couple of weeks. Jan: Well, I just got into a little trouble with the neighbors. Michael: Little trouble. Yes. Well, Jan fell asleep during her neighborhood watch shift. Pam: Wow, you did neighborhood watch? Michael: Yes. Jan: I did, and I had a very late shift and I had a little bit of wine and I fell asleep. Michael: So she's passed out, and some kids spray-paint a swear word on the neighbors' dog... Jan: Yeah. Michael: And the neighbors blamed Jan. Jan: Yeah. But, you know, it was my fault. Michael: It's like, you know, the dog shouldn't have been outside in the first place. Anyway, it's a tragedy, really, because the paint is not gonna come off the dog until it sheds... Jan: Mm-hmm. Michael: So... Jan: Yeah. Michael: Well. Jan: It was me! Jim: What's that? Jan: I spray-painted that dog. It was sleek, and shiny, and perfect little haircut, it was parading around like it was God's gift to this God-forsaken town [laughs] and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I went over there and I held down my knee and I just spray-painted it until I was good and done. [claps] It bit me on the arm, [reaches out and taps Jim] I didn't even feel it. Jan: What are you doing to him? What... [sees neighbors' dog] is this about that stupid, ugly mutt? Neighbor: She's a Weimaraner, you bitch! Jan: Please, please. Don't hurt him, okay?

Pam: W.B. Jones is renovating their offices and their construction crews are taking up some of the parking spaces we used to get. Jim: So we had to park at a satellite parking lot over there. Pam: Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street. Tell them what we saw today Jim. Jim: Oh today, we saw a junk yard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken. Pam: Nature. Oscar: Been here nine years. Now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away. Andy: I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar. Kevin: [sitting down, rubbing his feet] I will quit. As God as my witness, I will quit if this is not fixed. Pam: Some of us like the walk more than others. Kevin: [off screen] Hurts like hell. Pam: [to Michael who is looking at a chair catalog] Did you pick a new chair? It's been awhile. Michael: Pam, when I first opened this catalog, I thought I was just going to be picking out a chair. Pam: But instead, you found something to distract you from ever picking out a chair. Pam: Michael started the process of selecting a new chair about three weeks ago. And normally I wouldn't care, but he promised me his old one. It's way better. It's one of these. [makes a shrrhhh sound of a chair moving downward as Pam slumps down] I really want it. Michael: [holding up the catalog] Have you ever seen this woman? Pam: Her? Michael: Hmm... Pam: The one in the really great mesh black high-back swivel chair? Michael: Look at her smile. Those eyes, look at her eyes. She's got - I don't know what it is actually, she dresses like a professional and yet you know there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch. Pam: Or in a great chair. Michael: Oh, yeah, maybe, but remember after my dinner party when I said that I was swearing off women? Pam: I definitely remember your dinner party. Michael: I think what I meant was that I was completely swearing off one woman. [whispers] Jan. I think that fate put this catalog in my hands. Pam: Actually, I put the catalog in your hands 'cause you have to pick out a new chair. Michael: What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate and desperate situations yield the quickest results. Michael: Ladies and gentleman, would you please open your supply catalogs and kindly turn to page 85. [phone rings] Creed: [on phone] Yo, is this his new chair? Pam: [on phone] No, he hasn't picked one yet. Creed: [on phone] Daat! Creed: When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair. Then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go. Michael: I am ready to start dating again. Getting back on the market. So, FYI, for those of you who are thinking about fixing me up with any of your friends, use the woman on page 85 as a template. That will be all. Andy: I left my cell phone in my car. Phyllis: Call us when you get there so we know you're OK. [Andy gets up and leaves] Michael: [to Kevin] Listen man, I am completely over Jan, so, would you set me up? Kevin: If I had someone to set you up with Michael, then I'd take her for myself. Michael: I thought that you were engaged? Kevin: Nope. Stacy broke up with me. Michael: Whaaaat? God, that's terrible man. Eghh, she's crazy. Umm, are you still on good terms with any of her friends? Kevin: Not anymore. Michael: Oh... Kevin: It's a bitter situation. Michael: Yeah... ugh. She's... [gets up and leaves] you don't deserve her. Alright. Michael: [sitting on Oscar's desk] Oh hello Oscar Mayer Weiner lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl type friends that trust you implicitly because they know you'd never touch 'em, because of your condition. Umm... Phyllis: Michael? Michael: What? Phyllis: I have a friend who's single. Michael: Oh. Phyllis: Sandy. She's gorgeous and she's got a feisty personality, too. Michael: Hmm, I see, feisty. So she's not jolly or sassy? Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer? Phyllis: Umm, no, she's a professional softball player. Michael: Oooo. Catcher or in field? Phyllis: Umm I don't know Michael. Michael: Is she a dress wearer or a pants wearer? Could we share a row boat? Could, could a row boat support her? Phyllis: What are you asking? Michael: I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking. Would an average size row boat support her without capsizing? [silence] It bothers me that you're not answering the question. Phyllis: No, alright no, she can't fit in a row boat. Michael: Damn it, I knew it! I knew it Phyllis! OK! Michael: What is wrong with these people? I would do anything for them and they're just hanging me out to dry. Michael: Dating shouldn't be hard for somebody like me, but it is and you know why? Because nobody here is willing to help me. Nothing would ever get done in this office without a formal request, would it? Well, fine. Here goes. Angela: I don't think that this is- Michael: Well, now OK, I know that this is probably not appropriate, but I need help. Because I want to play ball with my kids before I get too old. And before that happens I need to get laid. And before that happens I need to be in love. And I don't wanna hear 'Ahnnn... I can't help elhh la la.' No. No. I'm a catch and I am not going to be the one who got away. So, this is what we're going to do. Dwight is going to hand out index cards and I want you all to write down the name of an eligible woman for me to date by the end of the day. No, by the end of the hour or you are fired. Dwight: [gets up from chair] Write legibly people. Andy: Because of the construction at W.B. Jones, half of us have to park in the satellite lot. Michael: Hmm.. Andy: It's like a ten minute walk. Kevin: No, thirty. Michael: Well, look, I am in an assigned parking place in front, so... Alright, alright, alright, umm let me try to think about what it would be like to not have one. [thinks] OK, yes that would be bad. Kevin: Yes. Andy: Yes. Michael: That would be bad. Andy: OK. Kevin: Nice. Andy: ...So help us out. Michael: Wish I could, but I can't. Well can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't. Kevin: Michael, please he- Michael: What part of shorn't don't you understand, Kevin? Look I could probably handle it, yes, but I think it would be a good exercise for you guys to do it yourselves. Andy: We won't let you down. Michael: Oh you can't because I don't care. Listen, [Kevin and Andy high five as they leave Michael's office] don't forget to fill out those cards. My love cards. Stanley: There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card. Phyllis: Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway, he can just deal with it. Pam: [to Jim] Who are you putting down? Jim: Oh, you don't know her. Pam: Who is it? Jim: Your mom. Pam: Yeah, whatever. [Jim holds up the card] [Pam laughs] Give it to me. Give it to me. Michael: Ok, Wendy. Hot and juicy red head. Give this a try. [Michael dials phone number. Phone rings.] Wendy's phone operator: Wendy's. Michael: Hello Wendy, this is Kevin's friend, Michael. Wendy's phone operator: This isn't Wendy. Michael: Oh, I'm sorry, could you put her on please? Wendy's phone operator: Dude, this is a Wendy's restaurant. Michael: [under breath] Damn it Kevin. OK, umm, could I just have a frosty and a baked potato please? Wendy's phone operator: You have to come to the restaurant to order food. Michael: Well, I'll send somebody to come pick it up. Just have it ready. Wendy's phone operator: It's ready now. Michael: Well put it aside. [hangs up the phone] [Dwight enters] Umm... yeah. Dwight: OK, I have collected the rest of the ladies. Michael: Good. Good because this batch was awful. Umm... this one says chair model... Dwight: I wrote that. Michael, you shouldn't have to settle. This is my pledge to you. I will find her and I will bring her to you and as God as my witness, she shall bear your fruit. Michael: That sounds good. [both smile] Go get her. Wa-Wait, wait, wait, wait. First, go to Wendy's, get my food. Come back and then go. Dwight: [on phone] That is fantastic. Thank you, thank you very much. This is just what I needed. Dwight: The furniture company gave me the name of the advertising agency. They gave me the name of the photographer. The photographer, a Spaniard, used a Wilkes-Barre modeling agency. The agency gave me the following information. [reads from notepad] Deborah Shoshlefski. 142 South Windsor Lane. Dead. Car accident. Case closed. Michael: She's dead? [Dwight makes knife slitting noise] She's so young. Dwight: She was so young and now she is dead. As dead as every dead animal who has ever died. Michael: Oh, God. Oh... Dwight: Why don't you sit down? Michael... come on. [gets up and leads Michael to sit in his chair] Here we go. Yeah. Jim: Michael, you didn't even know her. Michael: Try not to be so hurtful Jim. Dwight: Jim, how dare you. [Jim's face is in shock] Michael: Please, not at a time like this. [sighs] Pam: OK Michael, you know what? I might have someone for you. Michael: Oh really? What's her name? Burger King? Pam: No, I mean it. [walks towards Michael] She's really nice and sweet and you guys might actually get along. [hands over card to Michael] Michael: I don't, I don't think I'm ready. Is she hot? Pam: I'm setting Michael up with my land lady. She's really sweet and... whatever, I just can't take Michael like this. Michael: No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again. Kevin: We need to assemble the five families. Michael: [while brushing teeth with an electric toothbrush] No, not the five families. Kevin: We have to. Kevin: The five families are the five companies of Scranton Business Park. The bosses rarely meet. There's Michael Scott, Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Paul Faust of Disaster Kits Limited. They call him 'Cool Guy Paul.' W.B. Jones of W.B. Jones Heating and Air. Grade A Bad Ass. And Bill Cress of Cress Tool and Dye. Bill Cress is super old and really mean. Michael: [still brushing teeth] Sorry, I don't have time for this right now. I'm trying to get a date with Pam's hot friend. And she needs to meet me right now. Kevin: [to Andy] I'm calling the meeting anyway. Michael: [to cashier at coffee shop] Thank you very much. Our suspect has straight brown hair. She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. So... behold our bachelorette [cut to a blonde woman in a skirt]. Give her ten for looks and a three for her ability to describe herself. Hello, my lady. [woman walks right by and doesn't respond] Margaret: Michael? Michael: [turns around to see the woman from his description] Ugh. Margaret: Are you Michael Scott? Michael: Is who a Michael what? Margaret: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm supposed to be meeting someone named Michael. Michael: Oh, that's not, yeah I'm not... OK... Coffee shop worker: Michael? Michael? [reads cup] Large hot chocolate with caramel and a shot of peppermint. Michael: So you get the rent checks every month and what happens next? What... Margaret: You're asking what I do with the checks that people write to me? Michael: Just making conversation. Michael: Why is it so hard to meet people? I... you know... it's uh... All I want is somebody nice and sweet and someone I can talk to and share an experience with, you know? Why is it so hard for people like us? Margaret: I don't know. Michael: You wanna see what I walked out on? This is gonna blow your mind. [holds up cell phone with a picture of Jan] Look at that. Margaret: She's beautiful. Michael: Yeah. Yeah, and you can't see her whole body. Down here, she's got a boob job. Just... she was just crazy smart and really manipulative and I don't know. Jan [on phone]: Michael? Hello? Michael? [Michael hangs up phone] Margaret: I'm gonna head out. Michael: Oh, OK. Well, umm... I enjoyed this conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet old lady on the bus. Margaret: That's incredibly rude. Michael: Now you ruined it. [gets up and leaves] Bob Vance: Where's Scott? Andy: Uh Michael Scott could not make it today due to an unforeseen prior engagement. W.B. Jones: Let's just meet back in an hour. Andy: Gentleman please. We called this meeting. Andrew Bernard is the name of me. And this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone. Kevin: [nervously stuttering] I... have... things... W.B. Jones: Alright, what do you want? Andy: Well first of all, I'd just like to say [pulls out note cards] what an honor it is to be sitting here with you gentlemen. W.B. Jones: You have about ten seconds- Kevin: We want our parking spaces back! Paul Faust: Whose parking spaces? Kevin: W.B. Jones' construction guys park in our parking spaces every morning and some people have to park really far away and walk all the way to the office. And some people sweat too much for comfort and- Bill Cress: Ohh... God... Paul: I don't have time for this you guys. [to W.B. Jones] Just give 'em back their spaces. W.B. Jones: OK. Paul: We good? OK. Could have done this over e-mail. Kevin: After Stacy left, things did not go well for awhile. And, and it was hard to see... [starts breaking up] It's just nice to win one. Michael: Margaret the land lady? Really Pam, is that what you think of me? Pam: She's sweet and cute. I thought you'd get along. Michael: Oh, OK, Well I'm looking for a passionate affair, not companionship. I'm a man... of intensity, of, of cool and youth and, and passionately. God...[walks away back to his office] Jim: [walks up to reception] Margaret? Pam: I know. Jim: You just got yourself kicked out of your apartment. [both laugh] Pam: Oh I don't care, I didn't really like that place that much anyway. I'll just move. Jim: Oh really? Who's gonna take you in? You're messy. You're a klutz, you spill everything. And you leave the volume on the TV way too loud. Pam: Yeah, maybe I'll just move in with my boyfriend 'cause he's kind of a slob, too. Jim: OK, sure. Let's do it. [Pam laughs] Pam: No, I umm, well I'm not gonna, I'm, I'm not gonna move in with anyone unless I'm engaged. Jim: Have I not proposed to you, yet? Pam: Hmm, I don't, know... Jim: Oh, well, that's coming. [smiles] Pam: Oh, right now? Jim: No. Not gonna do it right here, that would be rather lame. Pam: OK, so then, when? Jim: Pam, I'm not gonna tell you. Hate to break it to you, but that's not how that works. Pam: Oh, right, yeah. Jim: Wait, I'm serious. It's happening. Pam: Ohh kay. Jim: And when it happens, it's going to kick your ass, Beesly. So... stay sharp. Pam: I've been warned. Jim: I am not kidding. [shows camera an engagement ring] Got it a week after we started dating. Michael: I don't know man. I was with Jan for so long. I was excited about meeting somebody new. Put my heart out there. It's just... [sighs] Dwight: You know what you need? Closure. Michael: You're right. What do you mean though? Dwight: There was a woman in your life who affected you very deeply, and she left before you could say good bye. I think you need to say good bye. Michael: Hmm. Dwight: Come on. I'll drive. Kevin: We did it. Andy: [at same time as Kevin] I did it. Kevin: We got our spaces back. Oscar: Wow. [Stanley laughs and high fives Kevin] Pam: Nice job. Jim: Nice. [fist bumps Kevin] Andy: Yeah, there it is. You're welcome. Andy: Did I do this for me? No, I did this for the little guy. For Joe Sixpack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his four hundred dollar a month apartment, wonders how's he gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up with oil. Wonders how I'm gonna pay my kid's orphanage bills. That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's gonna park. Michael: [looking at the chair model's headstone] How did she die? Dwight: I guess you could say she died of blunt force trauma and blood loss. She got in a car accident and plowed into the side of an airplane hanger. Michael: God. Dwight: Yeah. Michael: She was so innocent. Dwight: She was stoned apparently. Michael: You know I used to think that I had this perfect person out there waiting for me, but knowing that, that's just silly because she's dead. What do you do? Dwight: You wait until next year's chair catalog comes out and you find someone who's still alive. Michael: Oh, you move on. Dwight: Yeah. Jim: Where do you want to go for dinner? Pam: I don't know, I kind of hate all our regular places right now. Oh, you know what [Jim gets down on one knee], that one... Jim: Hey Pam, will you wait for me one second while I tie my shoe? Pam: [smiling] I hate you. [walks away] Jim: What? My shoe is untied. What is your problem? [Pam laughs] Oh my God, you thought I wa- oh. Pam: Oh, oh. Jim: No, no, no. Pam: How could I have thought that? How could I have thought that? Michael: [singing] Bye, bye, Ms. Chair Model lady. I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice. We had lots of kids...drinking whiskey and rye, oh why'd you have to go off and die? Why'd you have to go off [with Dwight] and die? Michael/Dwight: [singing] OH! You believe in rock 'n roll. Can music save your mortal soul? And then [jumbling up the words] can you have to dance real slow. Well, I know that you're in love with him. 'Cause I saw you dancing in the gym. [more jumbled words] 'You both kicked off your shoes. Those rhythm and blues... Michael: Return. Dwight: Rhythm and blues... Michael: This'll be [with Dwight] the day that I died. Michael: It is moving day. I have spent the last month here at Dwight's lovely farm, taking a little bit of a vacation, clearing my head after Jan and I, um [Dwight puts his fingers to his head and makes a shooting noise] ssp... No, I did not kill her. We were just at different places in our lives. No, I thought I'd be the bigger man and allow her to stay at the condo. She has since moved on; she is staying with her sister in Scottsdale. Fresh outlook, and it's all good. Dwight: Okay, so look that over, make sure it's accurate. Michael: Oh. What is this? Dwight: Your bill, minus the ten percent Dunder Mifflin corporate discount. Michael: You were charging me? I'm your friend. Dwight: You occupied the America room for six weeks. That's our most popular room. Michael: There was no other guest the entire time I was here. Dwight: Right. Because you were in the America room. In an election year. Michael: Okay. All right, Dwight. Take my money. Go ahead. Keep in mind that this whole thing was just a business transaction. The late nights, the talks, the slumber parties, the crying jags, that was all business, that had nothing to do with friendship, and being friends. Just ring me up. Go ahead [Dwight tears up bill]. Michael: Thank you, Dwight. Dwight: We don't take debit cards, anyway. Michael: Dwight, little help with the bags, please. Michael: So, what about you, Angela? Do you have any single friends? Angela: I don't. Michael: A cute little religious type, someone who wears a uniform, or... Angela: A Catholic schoolgirl? Michael: No, no, obviously older. Angela: A nun? Michael: Love. Marriage. Baby carriage. Those have been my goals ever since I heard that song. Jan and I had love. We did not have marriage. We did have a baby carriage, which I got her for bringing groceries home, after she got a DUI. Kelly: Hi, Michael. Michael: [sitting at her desk] Hey, Kelly. Kelly: Yeah, what are you doing here? Michael: Nothing. Just hangin'. Chillin'. No agenda. Would you consider hookin' me up with one of your friends? Kelly: Oh, all my friends are crazy. My one friend, Brianna... Michael: Yeah? Kelly: Oh, my God... Michael: That's hilarious. What's her number? Kelly: She's 23. Michael: Mmm... nah, that's too young. Kelly: Actually, I know a ton of people that I can set you up with! Michael: Oh. Kelly: Some of my friends' parents, they're getting divorced now. [Michael gets up and starts walking away] So I think some of those, like, older ladies, they're really looking for a guy to go on a date with. Michael: ['Rita Klondike 507' is written on an index card] All right, time's up! Pencils down. Please pass your future Mrs. Michael Scotts forward. Toby: Forcing your employees to set you up is not a, uh, uh, technical violation of any Dunder Mifflin rule. You know, but neither is forcing them to help you with a shot-by-shot remake of Indiana Jones. Huh-how do you make a rule book like that? Michael: Pammy? Pam: I don't have anybody. Michael: You don't have one single girlfriend? Pam: No... Michael: I'm not looking for a perfect 10 here, just somebody to hang out with. Just fun, healthy young woman. Pam: Sorry. Michael: A kindergarten teacher, who is great with kids, maybe an ex-model, and now she wants to do something with her brain? Pam: No, I don't, I... Michael: How 'bout a professional volleyball player who models on the side? Pam: I just... Michael: You know, just a fun, guh, look, there, here, it doesn't have to be a model. I'm not, don't rule out model, but just in terms of models, there are like twenty different categories. There's face models, hand models, body models [Jim raises hand] - yes. Jim: I actually know a sex model. Michael: Really? Jim: Yep. Yeah. She's blind, is that a problem? Michael: No, I am, it's all about the personality, Jim. Jim: Okay. Pam: Are you talking about Beverley? Jim: Yes. Pam: Because she's not a sex model. She's a tollbooth operator. Jim: Oh, yeah. Michael: Send me a picture. Michael: So far, these are my leads. A blind tollbooth operator and a twelve hundred pound catcher. It's a start.