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Peanut Jar Mixers Development 7

Gabe: Ugh, man. My delts are blasted. I wish they had a chart for how much protein powder to scoop for a 180 pound man with no fat. Dwight: Protein powder, huh? You cut it with water? Why don't you just take estrogen? [swallows powder] [coughs] There you go boys. See how papa takes care of you? [kisses bicep] Mwah. Gabe: I remember when people thought biceps were all that. They'd flex them all night at the discotheque. Dwight: Oh, I bet you think it's all about core, huh? Gabe: Yeah. Dwight: Oh, please. Gabe: Core's critical. There are four tenets of pilates that I live my life by. One ' lengthen. Two ' elongate. Jim: Listen, guys, I think we all want to know the same thing, right? Who's the strongest? Well, there's only one way to solve that ' flat curl contest. Jim: All right, here we go everybody. May the manliest man win. Go. Dwight: Feast on this, Lewis. Gabe: I love the burn. The burn is where I live. Jim: Come on, Gabe, you can't handle his hamstrings. You're getting hypno-thigh-zed. Gabe: Speed set. One. Two. Jim: Here, this is for your elbows, for your elbows. Dwight: Oh, thank you. Jim: You're welcome. Gabe: Five. Six. Jim: Quick phone call from you guys, keep going, All: Eight, nine, ten. Gabe: We got it? Dwight: Very funny Jim. Gabe: Yeah, Jim. Way to mock us for perfecting our bodies. Robert: Everyone, conference room, now. [Dwight and Gabe stand up, falling over] Jim: All right, easy there, grandpa. Dwight: I don't need your help. Jim: Okay. You don't need my help? Dwight: Here, here' Just' Andy: Morning. Erin: Hey. Andy: Somebody left in such a hurry this morning that she forgot' these. Erin: Oh. Andy: You know the only thing more delicious than your feet is the feast that I am going to prepare for everyone. Erin: Andy, if you're gonna hang out for a while, uh' Andy: What's this? Erin: This dumb rule Robert made, he just wants visitors to sign in. Andy: Is this Robert's attempt to embarrass me? Erin: No, of course not. It's just ' I think it's like if we make an exception for you, then we have to make an exception for the water guy, and then, it's like, where does it end? So just' [puts visitors tag on Andy] Andy: Why is it when other people spend all their time at the office, they're rewarded for it, and when I do it, I am told it's a little much? 'Is it because I am not an employee anymore, because that's what it feels like. Jim: All right, well, enjoy the alumni game. Dwight: Good, we have a deal? Jim: Thanks Janet. Dwight: Thanks so much Earl. Jim: Wow, simultaneous sale. Dwight: And they said it couldn't be done. Boom! Jim: Screw 'em. Andy: Lot going on guys. What's happening? Jim: Binghamton branch closed last night and their clients are up for grabs. Andy: That was a fine branch. Things are really bad under Robert California, I guess. It's like a festival of poo. Jim: Hey, hey, come on, language. Dwight: Yeah, and we're not interested in your sour grapes, okay? Jim, tell him where he can stick his grapes. Jim: In the fridge. Dwight: No, Jim, the butt, in his butt. Jim: Sorry, man, I can't focus on zingers. There's too many potential clients. Stanley: You two better watch yourselves. Phyllis: Yeah, the Syracuse branch can't be happy you're taking New York clients. Robert: Shh' shh' [vomits in trash can] Jim: Robert? Oscar: Why did Binghamton close? Robert: Can everyone just, please' I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and ' how should I say this ' Columbian whites. What ' what is this about, uh, Binghamton? Kevin: The branch closed. Forever. Robert: Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or, I guess, last night. But, in vino veritas as they say, I'm not gonna start doubting my drunken self now. Nellie: I got your voicemail. From ' from last night. Robert: Wonderful. Nellie: And the answer' is yes, yes, yes, yes, and never. [leaves] Robert: Pam, when's the last time you lived so intensely that your brain literally couldn't hold the memories in? Pam: Oh, it was this summer ' Robert: Apparently, I left a phone message for Nellie last night, and I need you to find out what I said. Pam: Um, I am a little busy. Robert: Yes, 'course. Why don't you list the things that would keep you from helping me. Pam: Yeah, I can make you a list. Robert: Let's do it now. What's number one? Pam: Why don't I help you now? Robert: There we go. Pam: Okay. Harry: Who the hell are Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute? Erin: Jim, Dwight, what are your last names? Dwight: And you are' Harry: Harry Jannerone, Dunder Mifflin Syracuse. Harry: What the hell's all this? Andy: Uh, cherries jubilee over homemade gelato. Harry: You live well down here in P.A. I want to talk to you guys right now. Oh, and Lloyd Gross too. Which one's that guy? Jim: The salesmen have a commission cap, but we figured out a way around it. Dwight: Lloyd Gross is a fictional salesman we invented to ' how do I put this ' steal from the company. Embezzle. To commit fraud. Jim: Okay, it sounds sketchy, but it helps us get more money. Dwight: Yes. Jim: Pam made a drawing of Lloyd. He is a blend of all the salesman. [shows sketch] Dwight: [pointing at Toby] There he is. That's Lloyd. Toby: Me? Creed: Yeah, you. Harry: Where do you get off crossing state lines? Toby: Now, we're actually a lot closer to Binghamton than you are. Kimosabe. Toby: I like to think Lloyd Gross is a no-nonsense guy who doesn't back down from anybody. And he calls people 'Kimosabe'. Harry: They're New York. We're New York. Sate line is the dividing line. That's the way it's always been. Jim: There's actually not a rule that says that. Dwight: That's true. Toby: That's true. There's no rule. You can check the employee handbook. Oh, can I check the employee handbook Lloyd? Well, does it say anything about me choking a man with my bare hands? Toby: No. Dwight: Wait, no? Are you kidding me? You told me there was a rule. I could've choked so many people by now. Harry: Stay out of my state. It's in your best interest to stay out of my state. Toby: I've seen guys like you. Big guys who like to push the little guys around. Lloyd Gross eats bullies like you for breakfast. Harry: Just stay out of New York, Lloyd. Toby: Hey, text from the old wife. Gonna take that. [runs outside] Jim: How about this? How about we just ask Robert? Can we all agree that maybe the C.E.O should decide this? Harry: Robert's here. Look at us. Bickering like schoolgirls, looking around the room for things to hit each other with. I don't think we were doing that. Dwight: Chair, lamp, plant, table leg, Jim's leg. Robert: Where's the Advil, Jim? I think I've hit my limit on the Tylenol ' Oh. Andy: [Doing dishes] Sorry, not Jim. Robert: Andrew, what do we have to do to get rid of you? Hire you back and send Erin back to Florida? Andy: Message received loud and clear. Just have to get the caramelized sugar off the pan before it dries. Robert: Oh, for god ' Harry: Robert California. What a surprise you're here in Scranton. Robert: Harry' Harry: So why would you close Binghamton down without a transition plan in place? Robert: How do you mean? Andy: I forgot, a' a pan, uh ' Harry: No, no, no, no, no, kid, stay there, do your dishes, go ahead. Robert: Harry there is a time for every decision, predetermined many years ago. There's no benefit in questioning why this particular decision seems' so poorly timed. Dwight: Okay, what are you deciding? We get a say. Harry: Listen, Robert, I don't have time. There's a big client in play. Prestige direct mail solutions ' Dwight: Don't listen to him. Harry: Used to be Binghamton's ' Dwight: Nope. Harry: I want it, it's mine. Dwight: Prestige is ours. Okay, they're responsible for half of the junk mail on the eastern seaboard. We get them. We already put a call into them, Robert. Harry: We need you to make a decision. Dwight: Make a decision. Robert: I have decided. Neither of you are to have any contact with either Prestige or any other Binghamton client until I have figured out how to divide things up. As Solomon once said' [Andy walks out] Andy: Some bizarre energy in this place today. Robert is going off the rails, making some funky decisions. Like why is nobody gonna call on Prestige? That is a huge client. [walking to car] I mean, they could give their business to the first person to walk in the door. Could be any idiot. Any idiot at all. Robert: Shaping a company is, in a sense, similar to training a geisha. You have to mold not merely the physical form, but also the character. The two must harmonize. Are they still there? [camera pans to right, Harry, Dwight, and Jim watching Robert in conference room] They want a decision who gets the big client. Well, they can wait. I'll still be talking about geishas long past their bedtime. You know, I trained as one. Harry: Is it just me or is our boss a freakin' weirdo? [stands up, walks outside] I'm gonna get some air. Dwight: Jim, you know what would be really dastardly? If we snuck out of here and got to the client first. Jim: [Gets up and looks out Nellie's office window] He's running! Dwight: Damn it! Jim: Damn it. Dwight: Wha ' what is this supposed to be? Jim: It's a monkey. Dwight: Jim, great real. This is not a monkey. It's got a hula skirt and a blue nose. Jim: Hold on, hold on. Is this him? Dwight: What? Jim: Is that him? Dwight: It's him! Do something! Get out! Jim: What? What am I gonna do? I don't ' Dwight: Go slash his tires! Go dent his hood. [Jim opens passenger door] That's it? Oh, that's great. That's like a five second delay. Jim: Dwight! Dwight: Come on, let's go! Does this thing have turbo? Nitrous? Hit the nos. Jim: Nos? You mean like in fast and furious? Dwight: Yeah. Jim: Oh, yeah, definitely have nos. Dwight: Hit the nos. Jim: Are you sure? Dwight: Yes. Jim: Brace yourself. 3' 2' Dwight: Got it. Go. Jim: 1. Here we go! [turns on wipers] Andy: Hello. Andy Bernard to see the C.E.O. Receptionist: Oh, do you have an appointment? Andy: No, I do not. Receptionist: Okay, I think I can squeeze you in. Andy: Seriously? 'Cause I could just be anyone. I mean, I thought I was gonna have to convince you. Receptionist: He's really not that busy. Mr. Ramish: Is there someone here to see me? Receptionist: Yes, this man. Mr. Ramish: Come on in. [Andy walks in] Pam: So'what do you make of this Robert California guy? I mean, what does a guy like that do on an average weeknight? Nellie: Oh. Oh, I'll tell you what he does. Angela: : [walks in] Hello! Hello, my clucking hens. Got room for another in the roost? Huh? Don't worry, I won't lay an egg. Angela: : Robert sent me to take over if Pam fails. If? [laughs] Angela: : I have been crunching numbers all day. Math is for boys. I need girl talk. Gabe: Did someone say girl talk? Gabe: Sometimes I wonder if I have ovaries in my scrotum, because I am great at girl talk. Gabe: Have you guys been watching any good Korean soap operas? I'm pretty deep into Hee-Jungcinderella girl. Although, I definitely fast-forward through the young-Tae storylines. Nellie: Do you think I'd like that, or is it important to have an Asian fetish? Gabe: Uh, I think you're gonna need to have an Asian fetish. Yeah. [chuckles] It'll be upsetting if you don't. Andy: I'm a former paper executive. I know the product. I know the margins. I can save you 25% on your costs. Mr. Ramish: Why haven't I heard of you? You got any references? Andy: No. I'm a rogue. Mr. Ramish: Uh-huh. Andy: Which is the best part. That means you will be my first customer and your business will get 100% of my attention. Now' [pulls out business card] I have written down my personal phone number. You call this anytime. Mr. Ramish: Every salesman I've ever met has given me his personal phone number. Andy: Of course they have. Which is why I'm giving you a key to my house. [gives key to C.E.O] Whatever you need ' anytime, night or day ' you just stop on by. Mr. Ramish: You want me to drive to your house if I need paper. Andy: Maybe you just want someone to talk to. Maybe' you need a place to crash for a couple of days. My wireless password is eat pray love. Easy to remember. Dwight: Ready? Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. [takes off belt, ties doors together] Dwight: [Running] Ahhh! [Slides into elevator] Jim: You all right? Dwight: Yeah. [Doors about to close, hand stops them] Oh. Jim: Ah! [Harry walks in] Jim: [Dwight pushes button for floor two] Dwight, what are you doing? Dwight: Go, go! Take the stairs! Now! Jim: What are you talking about? Dwight: Just run! Take the stairs! Jim: I don't even know where the stairs are! Dwight: I'll stall him. Go! Jim: God! Harry: [Dwight jumping] What are you doing? Dwight: I'm gonna activate the seismic failsafe. We'll be stuck between floors for hours. [pants fall down] Oh. [Jim runs in] My pants fell down. Jim: What? Dwight: My pants fell down! I don't have a belt! Dwight: [walks into lobby] Hello, sir. Good day. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. Forgive my pants, they fell down. An appointment with Mr. Ramish, please. Right now is fine. No, no, no, I was here first. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. Mr. Ramish: What's going on? Dwight: Well ' Harry: Mr. Ramish, Harry Jannerone. Dunder Mifflin, Syracuse ' Dwight: I was here first. Mr. Ramish: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay. Dwight: I already made an appointment' with your secretary. Mr. Ramish: Let me stop you all right here. I've already picked a new paper supplier. Dwight: Wait, it's not D.M Utica, is it? Mr. Ramish: No, no, it's not Dunder Mifflin at all actually. It's' Big Red Paper Company. Jim: Big Red Paper Company? Mr. Ramish: Mm-hmm. Andy: Yes, yes, yes! Harry: Give me a cup of coffee. Dwight: Me too. Or do you also have a monopoly on thirst? Jim: All right, guys. It didn't work out for any of us, so' we're still on the same team. Let me get these. Dwight: No. Let him get his own. It's Syracuse money. Harry: You know, your partner's got a lotta attitude. But I like that. How long you guys been dating? Dwight: Jim couldn't land me in a thousand years. Jim: But you're saying there's a chance. Dwight: Shut up. Pam: [Walks into conference room] Hey. Robert: Hmm. Pam: I stole Nellie's phone. Robert: Excellent. Excellent. Though troubling that your first instinct is thievery. Pam: What do you want from me? Robert: Now we get to the bottom of Nellie's 'yes, yes, yes, yes, never.' Phone: Hi, Nell, it's mom. Do keep your chin up. It can't be as bad as you described. Robert: Oh yes it can. Phone: This is MasterCard. You are over the limit. Send the minimum payment of $448 by Monday, or we will be forced to send it to collections. Robert: Shopaholic. Pam: Sounds like it. Robert: Yeah. Phone: Hi, sis. Is your boss still hitting on you? Robert: Ah. Phone: This is Annie from second nests. I'm sorry, but the Romanian orphanage felt more comfortable with a two-person nuclear family than a single mother, so, we're gonna hold out for that. Pam: Okay, that's enough. [grabs phone] Robert: Pam, we need to get to the bottom of this. Pam: No, no, no! Robert: No, come on. Pam: Robert! Okay, oops! I deleted them all. They're all deleted. Robert: Pam, Pam, you've completely bungled this! Pam: Ah. Ahh. [walks out] Pam: Hey. Nellie: Can I do it, Pam? Can I put off a gold Arabian sandal? Pam: Um' yes. Definitely. With your hair ' Nellie: Oh! Pam: Certainly. Um' you dropped your cell phone. Nellie: Oh, gosh. Pam: Yep. Nellie: Thank you. I'm' so stupid. Pam: No. My goodness. You have a lot going on. With Robert and everything. Nellie: Oh, god, Pam. Don't get me started. Pam: No, I will not. Nellie: You've just got me started. Robert' is' a filthy beast. I mean, don't you get the feeling, he's just thinking of fifteen different ways to do you? Pam: Well ' Nellie: I mean, the man talks of nothing but sex. Pam: But sometimes he talks about flesh' and bacchanals. Nellie: I cannot even tell you what he left on my phone last night. Pam: No' don't. Just put it out of your mind. Nellie: Pam, what is your address? I'm gonna send you a pair of these gold harem shoes. Oh, no. You don't ' Nellie: Oh yes. Come on, a little gold Arabian slipper. Nellie: Things are looking up. I might be a mother soon. I have MasterCard right where I want them. And' I have a new friend. A friend. At work. Robert: [Erin opens door] Erin. Erin: There's a call for you on line one. Robert: Who is it? Erin: He says salvation. No last name. Robert: Yeah, hello? Andy: [in car] You once put me on a list of the losers in the office. Well, this loser just got your biggest client to give him all their business. So hire me back, that business is yours. Don't, and I will find another buyer. Robert: You're blackmailing me. Andy: It's just business. Robert: Ah, well, I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penised debutante. You wanna start a street fight with me, bring it on. You're gonna be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don't even know my real name. I'm the *bleep* lizard king. [disconnects] Andy: Whoa. Well I gave him a chance. [gets out of car, walks to house] David: [opens door] Andy Bernard. Andy: You got a minute? David: Um' I'm in the middle of a piano lesson. Andy: I wanted to see if I could interest you in an investment. Dunder Mifflin. David: Dunder Mifflin. [closes door] Now' why would I want that? It's worth half of what it was three years ago. Andy: Exactly. And you know better than anyone that with the right management it could be worth twice what you would pay for it today. David: Why don't you come in? [Andy walks in, closes door] Harry: So what would you do if you weren't selling paper? Jim: Oh, man, I'd have to sell beets. Probably submit them for competitions. Dwight: What? Jim: Yeah! I know it sounds stupid, but nationals has always kinda been a dream of mine. Dwight: How have we never talked about this before? Wait. You don't even care about nationals. Harry: Nothing? Jim: I don't know. I've always wanted to own a bike shop, but what about you? Harry: I'd like to sell one big thing, you know? Like' a plane. One sale, I'm out. Jim: That sounds lovely. Harry: Anyway, Robert's gonna run this company into the ground, so' We won't be doing this in six months.

Oscar: [to webcam] Hello. My name's Oscar. I'm an accountant in Scranton, Pennsylvania and I'm gay. And I'm here to tell you that yes- it does get better. When I was younger, um- Phyllis: What's he doing? Dwight: He's searching out younger gays. Phyllis: Oh. Oscar: No, it's just a way to tell young people, no matter how hard it gets for them, there's a brighter future ahead. Dwight: ...with you. [chuckles] Oscar: No matter how hard it gets for you, eh- Kelly, seriously, I- Kelly: Just keep chatting. I'm just checking my makeup in your webcam. Oscar: Do you not own a mirror? Kelly: Webcams make me look the way I do in my fantasies. Pam: I know, right? What is it? You always look so good in those things. Kelly: I'm throwing out all my mirrors. Oscar: Okay, as you can see, I now have a cool job at a dynamic workplace. Being gay is a celebration of life, it's a simple- Robert: No, I'm sorry, I just can't sit idly by and have the gay youth of America misled by some reductionist- Oscar: It's not misleading. Robert: -pep talk. Sexuality is a spectrum. It's a paradox to think of any sexual activity as 'normal.' It gets better but it also gets vastly more complicated. Kevin: Hey, Robert, that guy, he looks just like you. [Robert backs into Kevin's nose] Ooh! [whimpers] Robert: Ow! Damn it, Kevin! God! Dwight: You okay, Robert? Robert: Fine. Dwight: Put some ice on it. Oscar: In any case, it gets better. [Kevin cries] Maybe- maybe not much better... but better. Sasha: One, two, three! Dwight: I wanted to give a nice gift to the tenants in the building. At first I thought, 'muffin basket.' Then I thought, 'What's even more precious to people than muffins?' Jake: Can you just smile, please? Meredith: I don't want to! Dwight: ...their own children. Dwight: Hey everybody, just a few hours left for the free family portrait studio. Darryl. We'd love to see little Jada come by. Angela? Why don't you bring by your little angel? Angela: No thank you. Dwight: Jim, you've got those two cute kids. We sure would love to see them. Jim: I know why you're doing this, Dwight. Jim: Last week, I may have gone too far. I'll explain it quickly. Basically, I found out where he gets his clothes dry-cleaned. Custom ordered the same suit, made with tear-away Velcro. And... you can fill in the rest. Dwight: [Jim rips off his clothes] Wha-? [Stanley laughs] Damn it, Jim! Jim: Now he's trying to get me to bring my children in to work. I think it's fair to be cautious. Darryl: Let me get this straight. You lost all of it. All your winnings. A hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Hide: Bad economy. Bad investment. Darryl: You mean to tell me no one wanted an energy drink for Asian homosexuals? Calvin: They did not. Darryl: And you got half a million of these? Well I gotta try it. Calvin: I wouldn't. Darryl: Aw, come on. What's the harm? [makes face] Mmm. What flavor was that? Hide: Coconut penis. Darryl: The coconut's pretty subtle. Calvin: Come on, man. Can't you just give us a yes or a no? Darryl: I don't know, man. Y'all quit with a lot of confidence. I mean, it was like, y'all came up in here dancing and everybody was- [sees Val] ooh, hold on a second. [sees Brandon] Oh. Darryl: If I were Val, I would break up with Brandon. Then I would date the hell out of me. I wouldn't give in to me too fast, let me buy myself some nice dinners and such. But when I finally did give in, I would go crazy on myself. Andy: [wearing janitor outfit] Hi guys. Jim: How's it going, man? Andy: [whimpering] I'm- I'm good, thank you. And how are you? Jim: Great, yeah, good. Gabe: Oh, how the mediocre have fallen. Nellie: Oh God. Andy: Look, I'm not here to get my old job back. I had my opportunity, I blew it, I'm moving on. I just wanted to come in here and literally beg you for something, anything. I will sweep the floors, water the plants... Nellie: No, you don't understand- Andy: Clean the toilets. Nellie: I don't need anyone to- Andy: Pull the poop out of the toilets. Nellie: That's not even a thing. Andy: Just, please... Nellie: Andy. Andy: Please! Nellie: Andy. Andy: Give me something! Nellie: Why don't you clean the carpets for today? Andy: Thank you. Nellie: You're welcome. Up you get then. Pick yourself up. There it is. Andy: Thank you. Nellie: You don't need to- Andy: I have a delicious secret. Creed: Good, good. This carpet's overdue for a good mopping. Jim: Is a mop the most efficient tool to use on a carpet? Andy: Yeah, it is actually. Andy: Mmm, I can't hold it in any longer. Um, I am faking this, okay? Because I convinced David Wallace to buy Dunder Mifflin back from Sabre. And at three o'clock today he's gonna walk in here and reinstate me as manager. Pam: [enters with the kids] Family picture! Jim: Pam? No! Pam: What? Honey, we talked about this. Jim: No, we talked about not bringing them in to Dwight's photo studio slash trap. Pam: Yes, and then we decided that was crazy. Jim: No, we decided it was crazy not to worry about it. Pam: No, we settled in a much more rational place, remember? Jim: Nope. Pam: We decided that there's no way Dwight would harm a child. Jim: But are you a hundred percent sure? I don't think any of us are. Pam: No, no. Jim: Nope. Pam: But it's free. And we'll keep our eye on them. Jim: That's- Pam: Yes! Jim: That's- Pam: And we'll make sure Dwight doesn't do anything C-R-A-Z-Y. Jim: Okay. Kevin: Wait, C-R-A-Z... Dwight: Great, right up there. Pam: Yeah? Jim: Yeah. You just sit right here. Here we go. Pam: Okay. Jim: Alright. Why don't you just- Pam: Oh, great. Thank you. Jim: #NAME? Pam: Okay. Jim: This is great. Pam: You ready? Jim: Excuse me. Pam: There we go. Jim: Just do it. Pam: I'll just stand here? Jim: Yeah, just keep your eye on Dwight, great. Photographer: Sir, could you look into the camera? Jim: Let's do it, shoot it. Photographer: Sir. Jim: Great. Dwight: Up here. [whistles] Jim: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dwight: Jim, right here, right here. [snaps fingers] Okay, good. Jim: Oh, so that's it? Dwight: That's it. Pam: See? That wasn't so hard. Dwight: Cute kids, thanks for coming. Senator Lipton: Hello, Erin. Hello, everybody. Angela: Uh, what? Why? Uh, hi honey. What- how are you doing? Senator Lipton: Hi, you know, my office got a call that they were shooting family portraits right here. And if there's one thing that every politician instinctively understands, it's a good photo op. Phyllis: [laughs] Yeah. Angela: Heh. Erin: Okay, you're going to go through the hallway. Here's a map. And if you get lost, just follow the blue line. [points to line on floor] Senator Lipton: Thanks. Dwight: Well, well, well. Senator Lipton, welcome. Angela. Angela: Dwight. Dwight: Nice to see you. May I hold him? Senator Lipton: Sure. Angela: No. I am going to hold him because I haven't seen him all day. Angela: I think that Dwight is doing this whole thing to, um, get a sample of my baby's DNA to prove he's the father. Which... is impossible... because the senator is the only man I've ever been with. Angela: [Phillip cries] See the duckie! Dwight: Okay, hold on for a second, folks. A few of the baby's hairs are out of place. Senator Lipton: Oh, thank you. Angela: [slaps Dwight's hand away] No. No. I like the baby's hair the way it is. Dwight: Really? Andy: This is getting more and more delicious by the minute. [gargles alcohol, chokes, coughs] It's go time. Andy: Hey Nellie, I made soup - I made you some soup. Nellie: Well, I don't want any soup. Andy: But it's really good- [drops soup] Oh! Nellie: Oh come on, Andy! Erin: I know this is going to be a great payoff. Andy: A delicious moment. Erin: But after you're manager, some of these images are going to be hard to shake. Andy: Well, but it- Erin: Just calibrate. Okay? Calibrate. Dwight: Okay, here we go. Oh, you know what? I don't want to throw a wrench in the works, but I want everything to be perfect and the baby's fingernails are just bothering me- Angela: Uh-uh, leave us alone. Senator Lipton: I guess we're okay with the fingernails. Dwight: Okay, great. Suit yourself. Although, are those excess skin cells on the baby's cheek distracting to you as well? Angela: Dwight, we're fine! Senator Lipton: Oopsie, did somebody make a boopsie? Angela: Oh no. [laughs] Senator Lipton: I'm just gonna take him out and change him just for a second. Dwight: He defecated, aw. Senator Lipton: You're stinky. Darryl: A lot has changed since y'all left, okay? You're gonna have to jump through some hoops. And the new foreman is here. Now she's one of the best we've ever known, okay? So I need you to show her your upmost respect. Make sure she feels welcome and at home, okay? Can you do that? Brandon: That's some pretty blatant complementing you're doing there, man. I don't even talk to her like that. Val: Uh, Brandon? Darryl: I would. Brandon: You would? Darryl: Yeah. Brandon: Sounds like you're trying to hit on my girlfriend. Val: Calm down, he's not. Darryl: Yes, I am. Just so everyone's on the same page. Brandon: [scoffs] So you really think she's gonna leave a guy who owns his own restaurant for a dude who ate his own restaurant? Val: Brandon! Darryl: Good slam. Brandon: Thank you, Biggie. Darryl: Good luck to you. Brandon: Oh, and have a burger for me. Senator Lipton: Okay, shall we take a few more? Angela: I think we have all the shots we need. Thank you, Dwight. Senator Lipton: Okay. There we go. Angela: No! Dwight! Give me the diaper! Dwight! Dwight: Is this what you were looking for? Huh? Huh? Toby: Andy, we wanted to talk to you. A lot of us are very concerned about you. Nellie: You're dirty, you stink of booze, you're limping inexplicably. Andy: I just want you guys not to worry. 'Cause old Andy's gonna be just fine. Jim: No, no, see? This is what we're talking about. I mean, what was that accent? And last time I checked, you were drunk and now you're not drunk... Erin: No, unfortunately it's true. He's been a nightmare. And the worst part is, he's been taking it out on me. Nellie: What? Pam: You hit her? Andy: No. That is not the deal. Calibrate. Erin: He's not hitting me. But, he's been verbally abusing me- Andy: That's not true either! That's also total- Everyone, please relax. I think you're gonna like this surprise guest. Gabe: [enters] Happy birthday to Gabe! Nellie: Oh, get out, skeleton man! Toby: I can refer you to someone to talk to. Andy: [his phone rings] Huh? Hold on. Toby: Give you a name or- Andy: I just gonna- quick- [answers phone] Hello? Hey, what's the scoop? Are you close? What? No. no, no, no, no, no. You have to come now. Traffic clears? No, next Friday... that's not gonna work. Okay. Yeah. Okay. [inhales, hangs up] Damn it! Well, this is not going to be quite as delicious as I wanted, but I do have a very tasty announcement for you guys. Not only am I not a lowly janitor, I am the regional manager once again! Guys, I got my old job back! Jim: Oh boy. Pam: Oh, Andy. Oscar: What? Andy: I'm not crazy. I convinced David Wallace to give me my job back. Oscar: David Wallace hasn't worked here in years. Andy: Okay, yes, I see the confusion. I saw David at the fundraiser. He is now a multi-millionaire because he sold his toy vacuum 'Suck It' to the U.S. military. Jim: Andy, come on. Kevin: Even I know that's weird. Andy: I- I- Okay, I get how that sounds crazy. Toby: Hey, Andy, Nobody's calling you crazy, Andy. We're your friends, Andy. Andy: Stop saying my name. Erin: No, he's not making this up. Andy: Thank you, Erin. Erin: Andy tells me about seeing David Wallace all the time. Pam: But have you ever actually seen him yourself? Erin: Oh my God. Andy: Erin, come- Come on. You know I've been talking to David Wallace. Toby: Do you see David Wallace in the room right now? Dwight: [into phone] Operation Phoenix is a go. Just get the car ready. Kelly: Now you look at me like you're adoring me, I'm gonna look at the camera like I don't even know you're there. Ravi: I do adore you. Robert: Andrew, it's time for you to go home. You're better than this. Andy: Yeah, I know. Robert: Everyone's better than this, because this is the worst thing I have ever seen. [drinks coconut penis energy drink] Why'd they add coconut? I miss original. Jim: Hey. Others: Hey! David: Hey guys, long time. Pam: David, what are you doing here? Phyllis: Is it true you're buying the company? David: Okay, I guess the word is out. Uh, please keep this a secret, but yes, I've been talking with Andy- Andy: What? Thought I heard my name. What? I'm the new manager? David: I'll get to that in a second, Andy. Andy: But it's- it is- it is me? Right? David: Yes, as we've discussed- Andy: What? David: But it's very possible- Andy: Oh my God! David: Probable. Andy: Wow. From janitor to manager? David: Yep. Andy: That's quite a Cinderella story. From M-O-P to M-V-P. David: There's an official announcement, a few details to be- Andy: From total loss to total boss, I mean- Stanley: Can we expect any payroll interruptions? David: Now that is a great question, Stanley. Right now I think all your operations or most of your operations are pretty much down in Florida, so to shift back up- Andy: I was so looking forward to that and it did not... go as I thought it would. Phyllis: So we're not gonna be a part of Sabre anymore? David: Actually, nothing is gonna be a part of Sabre anymore. Jo Bennett's planning on liquidating the rest of the company. Robert: Oof. [laughs] Wouldn't wanna be a Sabre employee right about now. [laughs] I'm actually the CEO. David: Ah, I didn't realize you were standing there. Robert: Hey, my friend, trust me. This is for the best. I never understood that corporate mess. David: Well, okay. Great to meet you. Robert: Likewise, I'm Bob. Bob Kazamakis. David: Pleasure. Robert: I'd love to give you a little rundown on what I've learned about this place. David: That's very gracious of you, Bob. I would love that. Robert: Please. [laughs] Andy: Guess I'd better take off these dirty rags. Figure out how to be a manager of this place. Jim: Perhaps your year of experience managing this branch will come in handy. Andy: Gosh, I hope so. Angela: No! God, Mose! God! Mose: Hi, Angela. Angela: Get out of the car! Get out! Where is he? Mose: I'm not supposed to say. Angela: Yes! [slaps Mose] Tell me! Tell me where he is! Mose, damn it! Where did he go? Mose! Get back here! Darryl: [taking photo with Jada] Let's see that smile. Go on. [waves to Val] Val: [stands next to him] Right here? Darryl: Cool. Andy: Looks like I might get my delicious moment after all. Nellie: May I say one thing? Andy: It would be rude of me not to let you say whatever's on your mind. Nellie: The quality of mercy is not strained. Andy: No. Nellie: It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath. Andy: Do not bring Shakespeare into this. How dare you play the bard card? Nellie: It blesseth he who gives and he who takes. 'Tis mightiest in the mightiest. Andy: I just want one mother[bleep] delicious moment. Is that too much to ask? Andy: If I were to hire you back. If. What do you think you would do well? Nellie: Special projects manager, that's my background. I just go around doing whatever I want. Andy: All right, you sly bastard. When can you start? David: Okay everyone. I had a conversation with Bob, and since I am going to be CEO now there'll be no need for him. Meredith: Ouch. That's gotta hurt! David: But, he is going to be making so much money from the liquidation, he's gonna be freed up to do something much more important. Robert: David has generously offered to donate one million dollars in matching funds to a cause that's very dear to me. So, for the next three years, I'll be travelling overseas, concentrating all of my efforts on educating- mentoring, some African, some Asian, but mainly Eastern European women. David: I had no idea how pervasive this problem was until Bob explained it to me. Robert: Oprah Winfrey's leadership academy and other schools like it, while wonderful, end with high school. I want to see these girls right through college, especially the gymnasts. They've lost so many years of crucial education to perfecting their bodies. Muscle groups the rest of us can't even fathom. Andy: Gymnasts? You're going to seek out uneducated gymnasts? Robert: Yeah, so I'm hoping to identify some truly exceptional women who show great promise. Well, Andy, it's been fun. Andy: Mm. Mm-hmm. [they hug, Robert kisses him on the lips] Robert: It's been a great year. Dwight: Hello. Angela: Where is it? Dwight: They're testing it now. Angela: How long does it take to get the results? Dwight: Seventy-two hours. Angela: You're gonna wait here? Dwight: Yes. [Angela sits and holds his hand] Angela: [Dwight kisses her] Dwight, I can't do this. Dwight! Senator Lipton: Hey. Oscar: Senator Lipton. Hey, how are you? Senator Lipton: You didn't call. Oscar: Um, well, uh, the issue that I- that concerned me... Senator Lipton: You know what this is about. [covers Phillip's eyes] Call.

Erin: Andy's coming back today! Andy's coming back today! Ha! Andy's coming back today. David Wallace sent him on an outward bound wilderness adventure for a whole month to make him more decisive and confident. He sent his own son too. And the counselors said they both grew up, big time. Dwight: How was my summer? It was pretty mixed. I invented a new power drink made out of beet runoff. Mmm, mmm! So that's really good. But I got some disappointing medical news. Doctor: Mr. Schrute, the results are in. You are not the father. Angela: I told you [Dwight vomits power drink on Angela] Kevin: Oh, what a summer! An emotional roller-coaster. I ran over a turtle in the parking lot, but then I saved him by gluing his shell back together. But I'm not that good at puzzles. Oscar: [as Kevin reassembles shell] That piece doesn't go there. [Kevin shushes him] Kevin: So I patched him with stuff from around the office. But I couldn't get the pieces to fit right. Then one day, when I was reaching for the glue, I crushed his shell again. But I rebuilt him even better that time. But it turned out the turtle was already day. Probably when I ran over him the first time. Pam: For us, um, nothing new, really the kids are great. Jim: You are really good at modesty. She's a genius. She painted this incredible mural in the kids' room. There's a hippo leading a parade of 500 children' Pam: Kay, well, you had that interesting thing. Jim: Oh, yeah Pam: Yes, Jim's friend is starting anew company based on this idea Jim had when they were back in college. Jim: Its sports marketing basically. But the athletes are partners. Pam: And he wanted Jim to be a part of it too. Jim: In Philly, so, that doesn't really work for the family. Watch this guy make a billion dollars off my idea. Pam: He said if it takes off he's gonna buy us a new car. Jim: An Altima or better. Toby: Kelly Kapoor is gone. Her fianc�� Ravi was hired as a pediatrics professor at Miami university. Kelly: [tossing out winter coats] I don't need em anymore. I am going to Miami biotches. To hang with Lebron James and Gloria Estefan. Toby: Miami University in Ohio. On her last day, Kelly was still a little confused about it Kelly: Enjoy the snow losers. Erin: I'm so happy for you Kelly. Toby: Shortly after Kelly left, Ryan quit and also moved to Ohio, for what he claimed were unrelated reasons. Ryan: I've actually done a lot of market research and it actually turns out that southwestern Ohio is going to be the next Silicon Valley. They call it the Silicon Prairie. It's a big university town. And, uh, that's not garbage, it's out clothes. Pam: And that was our summer. Jim: we good? Off-camera: Yeah Pam: Don't you guys have everything. I mean, its just a paper company. Off-camera: Well we're more following you guys, to see how you turn out. Pam: Oh, yeah, because we were kind of dramatic in the beginning. Well I don't think anything's gonna change in our lives now. With work and two kids there's just-nothing interesting is going to happen for us in a long, long time. Erin: Andy's coming back today! Clark: Hey, uh, does anybody know where we throw these out? Stanley: Oh, my god. It's called a garbage can. Phyllis: Helpless. Toby: There's two new guys back there with me now. They're in their 20s. And we really get along. Clark: [Playing computer game with Toby] You're looking good. Toby: Just three single guys. Getting into trouble. Stanley: They're like the new Jim and Dwight. Nellie: Oh, yes, yes I see that! Perfect. Meredith: Hey, new Jim, come sit on my face. Pete: No thank you. My name's Pete. Jim: No, Pete is not the new Jim. The only we have in common is that neither of us wants to sit on Meredith's face. And if that makes him the new Jim, then every human being in the world is the new Jim. Erin: Andy's here! Old Dwight, new Dwight, Andy's here. New Jim, Tuna, Andy's here. Pam, he's here. [squeals as Andy walks in] Andy: Hey! Wow, I thought about this place a lot when I was on solo. Three days on a mountain, it'll change you. The things we think we need. Clocks, yeah right! Nellie: It sounds amazing, tell us all about it. Andy: What're you still doing here? Nellie: Wonderful, thanks. Andy: You know I had this really funny dream during Outward Bound that you died. Nellie: Brilliant. Andy: See me in my office later. The new guys, alright. It's Clark and, um' Pete: Pete! Andy: In Outward Bound it was all about nicknames. They called me Iceman. You will be called Plop. Pete: What? Why? Andy: Cause you're always taking dumps. Pete: No I'm not. Andy: Come on, everybody defecates. Relax, Plop. And you will be called Fart cause you fart all the time. Clark: I love it. Darryl: Actually, Andy, we call this one Dwight, Jr. Clark: No, I prefer Fart. Andy: No, Dwight Jr. Infinitely better. You guys look exactly alike. Dwight go stand next to him. This is insane. Dwight: I don't see it. Clark: I don't either. Andy: Whoa! Mind blown. It's like father and son! Dwight, you cool if we call him Dwight Jr? Dwight: Yes, yes I am. [puts his arm around Clark] Andy: Dwight, Jr! [Dwight gives Clark a noogie] Dwight: In a way it's like I have a son. And who knows? Maybe someday they'll hire someone who looks like a younger version of him. And then I'll have a grandson. Angela: Well, I need to give my cat up for adoption. Kevin: The one who uses the doorbell, or the one with the Mexican hat, or the one with the rain galoshes, or the one you let go around naked? Kevin: Angela's cats are cute. So cute that you just want to eat them. But you can't eat cats. You can't eat cats, Kevin. Angela: No, the one with the long hair and the denim pants, Comstock! Ok, look [starts playing video on computer]. He's such a special kitty. I just want to find him a good home. He loves those pants Kevin: I'll take him. Angela: Please, after the turtle? Kevin: I am enormously proud of what I did for that turtle! Angela: Oscar, Oscar, will you take him? Oscar: No, I'm a dog person. Angela: If you pray enough, you can change yourself into a cat person. Oscar: Those guys always change back, Angela. Andy: David, outward bound was incredible. I was the best at slack lining, I ate a worm. David: Glad to hear it. You sound very confident and decisive. Toby: Hey you wanted to see me? Andy: Yeah, I gotta go David. [hangs up phone] Why is Nellie still here? Toby: You can only fire Nellie for cause. Andy: Mm, then I will make up a cause. Toby: Except you just told me you were gonna make it up. Now if she sues, I have to testify against you. Andy: Then forget I just told you that. Toby: Can't. I took a course at the Weintraub Memory Academy. I sat next to this woman named Beverly Brook. She had a Greek salad for lunch. See what I mean? Andy: Now I know why Michael hated you so much. Dwight: Good boy, getting big and strong. Snack foods! Clark: Yep, body by Cheez-it Dwight: Ah, humor. I have it too. I have a couple tickets to the slayer concert 10 months from now. You interested? Clark: I think I'm busy that night. Or I would. Dwight: Well, we're both just kinda learning as we go, aren't we? Clark: Learning what? Dwight: Just how this going to be, you know? You have a beautiful round head. Clark: Kay. Dwight: So what kind of farming you into, huh? You more of a fruit man or a root man? Clark: Is this'is this like code for gay stuff? Cause if so, that's totally fine. Like, I'm fine with it. But you should know that I'm into the ladies. Dwight: Spoken like a true root man. Clark: You know, if you're ever swamped, I could make some sales calls for you. Dwight: My calls? Clark: So could you give me a list of all your clients? Or just the leads that you haven't had time to pursue yet? Dwight: You want a list of my clients? You want my leads? Clark: Yeah, I'll just give it a glance' Dwight: Ok Clark: I'll give it a read. Dwight: With my leads and stuff like that? Clark: Yeah. Dwight: Cause you're interested in going into sales? Clark: I am. Dwight: Wow, that's great. That's great. Ok, good, let's talk about that, ok? Clark: Ok. Dwight: You're not getting my clients! Nice try. Dwight: Paranoid? I'm not familiar with the word. And I really don't have time to learn new words right now, ok? A pudgy 22-year-old is trying to take my job. Dwight: Jim, get ready for the battle of your life. Jim: Done. Explain. Dwight: The new guys. Dwight Jr is after my job. Yeah. There is a shark hiding inside that adorable little cherub. Jim: Oh, now I get what Pete was talking about at the sales meeting yesterday. Dwight: Wait, sales'what sales meeting? Jim: The new guys called one. Dwight: The new guys called a sales meeting? Jim: Clark ended the whole thing with a karate demonstration. Did you know there was a belt above black? Dwight: There's no belt above black. Is there a belt above black? Jim: You should ask him. It's a color you would never expect. [Dwight storms off] Too easy. Angela: Attention everyone. Comstock is still available. Oscar has been flirting with adopting him. But still hasn't given me a definite yes or no. Oscar: Definitely no. Angela: Fine. For any interested candidates, I will be conducting 20 minute interviews. My ideal situation would an independently wealthy cute couple with a strong commitment to education. Black or white, I'm fine with either, but not both. [to Pam] Listen, you're in this, but you need to wow me, ok? Andy: I wanted to talk to you about our working relationship this year. It's going to be terrible. Nellie: Not necessarily Andy: No I'm going to make sure that it is. And if it isn't, I'm going to take immediate action to rectify that. Now, I don't like to throw around the b-word, but I'm going to be a huge bitch to you. Andy: Now this is called slack lining. Andy: I set up the old slack line to teach the office the skills of focus and discipline. Or in the case of certain individuals, the skills of humiliation and looking really dumb. Andy: If you make it all the way across, your confidence will soar. But, if you Toby out, then you'll feel like a real Nellie. How about a hand, screw those guys. Now, these are my actual Outward Bound counselors, Rafe and Feather. Rafe: Iceman. Andy: That's me. The powder is for your protection, Feather has permanent athlete's foot. Feather, show them how you dance upon the line of slack. Jim: You a sports fan? Pete: Sure, boxing, tennis. Jim: Oh. Any team sports? Pete: NASCAR. The Amazing Race. Jim: Phillies fan, though, right? Pete: You mean horses? Jim: No, like baseball. A baseball team. Pete: Ah, I like the Red Sox. I'm from Vermont. Jim: Ok. Good talk. Jim: I have nothing in common with Plop. Andy: All right, who's next? Nellie? Nellie: Oh, I would rather watch you and your talented friends. Andy: Nonsense. Get up here. Kevin: Go ahead Andy: Come on. Uh, are you gonna wear your heels? Nellie: I'm very self-conscious about my feet. Andy: Ok, sure. There ya go. Atta girl. Hey, alright. Whoa! [pushes Nellie off slack line] You suck. Alright, who's next? Darryl? Darryl: This seems like the kind of thing white people with dreadlocks do. Andy: Dwight Jr? This looks like your speed. Clark: Uh, I guess I could give it shot. Andy: Yeah, come on. Get up here. Just hop on up. Clark: Ok Andy: Focus on the horizon. [Clark successfully walks the slack line] Whoa! Look at this guy. Clark: I've always been good at anything that required balance. My doctor says I have gigantic inner ears. Darryl: Go, Dwight Jr! Andy: Hey, yes. Dwight: Boo, unimpressed. It's a tightrope for babies. Boo! Clark: Alright, let's see you do it. Andy: Alright. Let me show you how a real man walks across a flaccid cord. Andy: Ooh! Who ordered the hot apple fail? Dwight: Ok, I am just getting started, ok? Clark: You got this, it's all you. [as Dwight repeatedly fails and gets smacked around] Got ourselves a yard sale. Balls in face. It's not a race, Dwight. Andy: Well it's official. Old Dwight is lame and New Dwight is cool. Dwight: [bleeding heavily from the mouth] That's not true. Just give me another chance. Oscar: But your mouth is ble' Toby: This is a bloodbath. Alright, I'm calling this. Dwight: What? Toby: It is enough of this. Everyone, let's go back to work. Dwight: This is a stupid activity. I would be embarrassed to be good at it. [tries to go in locked door] Idiots. Dwight: Slack lining, please. Untie that rope, give it to a couple of pig-tailed school girls, let them start jumping with it while chanting a rhyme and giggling about boys. Doesn't seem so macho now, does it? It's a jump rope! Pam: Dwight! Dwight: Pam? Hey come up here, up the ladder. Come on. Pam: [sees trapeze contraption] What are you doing? Dwight: Come here, I'll show you. Angela: Why do you want this cat? Pete: I don't want it, really. Angela: How would you support the cat? What are your ambitions? Pete: I want to start my own business. I want to be a millionaire. Lots of things. Travel, make the world a better place, earn an MBA at night. Angela: Have you taken any concrete steps? Pete: Well, I'm still just fitting in here, you know? Getting used to the new job. But, definitely on the agenda. But that is a good idea, Angela. I should make a list. Jim: Oh, come on, Pete! God, that's just sad. If he doesn't watch himself, he's gonna be here for years, doing nothing. [sober realization] Wow, maybe Pete is the new Jim. Dwight: Do you see how the trapeze completely surrounds the wire? That means it's literally impossible for anyone to fall off. So you will merely sit below and be my counterweight as I pedal across the parking lot to that telephone pole. Pam: I will? Dwight: You will. Yeah we weigh about the same, wouldn't you say? Pam: Sure, if you weigh 105 pounds. Dwight: So you'll do it? Pam: No. Dwight: Come on, this will be the only thrill of your boring life. Pam: Dwight, you may find this hard to believe, but I love my boring life. Dwight: Come on. Pam: Exactly the way it is. Dwight: No, Pam. Pam: Yes, and there's nothing you could say that would get me to run the slightest risk of losing it. Dwight: Please? Please, Pam? Pam: Find someone else, I don't know. Ask Phyllis. Dwight: I can't use Phyllis. Are you kidding me? The moment she steps off this bar I'll be launched into space. God, you're so insensitive. Pete: Why are you getting rid of it? Angela: Allergies. Pete: Your husband? Angela: No, the baby. Please, it's my husband's favorite cat. He's broken up about it. It's the only time I've seen him cry other than our wedding night. Oscar: You know what? I will take Comstock. Angela: Really? Oh, Oscar, thank you! Oscar: I'll come by after work and pick him up. Angela: Yay! Oh, poor Robert. He won't get to say goodbye. He has this business dinner tonight Oscar: C'est la vie. Angela: Please don't teach the cat French. Oscar: [on phone] Yeah. Good news, tonight when you come over for dinner, you can play with your old buddy Comstock. Pam: You ready? Jim: Yeah. You know what? I'll meet you down there. Just gotta make a quick call. Pam: Kay. Dwight: Ok. [prepares bike trapeze]Oh, god. Dwight: Attention, employees of Dunder Mifflin. Everyone thinks the new guys are so cool cause they can slack line. Boo. Hey Clark, this is what a areal salesman looks like. They say that you only live once and I'm about to prove it. Dwight Schrute! Jim: Hey, man. It's halpert. Did you go to the other guy yet? Great, don't. I'm in. Yeah, yep, I'm all in. Ok, talk to you soon. Bye. [hangs up] Yeah! Dwight: Woo! [starts pedaling out until trapeze bike flips over, he dangles from the handlebars] Ahh!! Creed: In the parking lot today there was a circus. The copier did tricks on the high-wire, a lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator; a strong man crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company. Meredith: Crap. Sorry, Nellie. Nellie: Once again, I understand that old habits die hard, but if everyone would kindly walk their refuse to the trash bins instead of tossing them, then we would'[hit in the face with trash] Stanley: Mm, swish. Nellie: Oh, it's nothing to do with me. I just happen to be sitting near to where the bins are. Andy: There are two things that I am passionate about. Recycling and revenge. Nellie: [As trash is thrown at her] Fluke.

Pam: [surveying an untidy office] The building's custodian is on vacation for the month and Dwight is too cheap to hire a replacement. So, instead, we're living in filth. But, not for long. Because I have created the chore wheel. Kevin: [viewing the chore wheel for the first time] Oh, yeah! Can I spin first? Pam: Well, it doesn't spin. We'll just move the wheel one notch each morning and' you see what chore you get that day. Kevin: A wheel is supposed to spin. Erin: Yeah, you know, like [motions arm in circles] guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh' guh. Pam: No, I'm familiar with spinning. It's just that wouldn't work with a chore wheel because people might get the same chore- Andy: [interrupting] Bugh, boring. All she talks about is chores. Creed: A wheel wants to spin, Pam. Jim: [reluctantly] Spinning would be more fun. Pam: [frustrated] 'Kay. Kevin: [spinning a new 'chore wheel' while everyone claps] Okay, that's what I'm talking about! Big money, big money! [wheel stops on 'mug duty', disappointed] Mug duty? Pam: Yes, you clean all the mugs in the sink. Kevin: This sucks. Erin: Yeah, seriously, it's like everything on there is work. Pam: I don't think you guys understand why we're doing this. It's- Kevin: Yeah, I don't think that you understand wheels. Pam: I've been through several rounds of development with the team and here's where we stand with the chore wheel. [introducing a third 'chore wheel', excited] We've got prizes! Ten bucks, candy bar, manager for an hour but, there are also penalties. Like, no internet, Stanley gets your lunch. The one thing that is not on the chore wheel is chores. But they were right; it's more fun this way. Pam: [everyone cheers as Meredith spins and lands on 'tiny wheel'] The tiny wheel actually does have chores. It's so cute no one seems to mind. Pam: [referencing the 'tiny wheel'] Toilets! [everyone cheers as Meredith accepts her chore] Jim: [at the Halpert residence as Cece twirls in the front yard, exiting front door] Pam, we gotta go. Cece, go back inside. Grandma's got breakfast, OK? [to camera] We are going to Roy's wedding. Yep, Roy. I think the only weird thing about going to your wife's ex-fianc'��s wedding on a weekday at eight AM is that it's your wife's ex-fianc��. Pam: [exiting house] Thanks, mom! Jim: [to Pam] A banana? Pam: Yeah. I'm afraid he's only gonna have hot dogs. Jim: Oh, come on. Not even Roy will have hot dogs at his wedding. Pam: Planned a wedding with him. He wanted hot dogs. Jim: [to camera] Just' so weird. Erin: [as Pete and Clark enter office] Oh, Pete, you've got mail. Pete: Really? I got something? Erin: Well, it's addressed to Customer Service so, it's your mail. Clark: Well, you know, I'm also Customer Service. Erin: Yeah, I'm alternating. [gestures both men] Pete: [sarcastically] Yay, another person yelling at me. Erin: Well, it could be a nice letter. I write nice letters to companies all the time. Pete: That's really nice. Clark: [looking down at Erin's desk] Wow, Newsweek, huh? This election' thing is crazy, right? Pete: [referring to the letter] It's open. Erin: Oh yeah, I accidentally read it. It's not a nice letter. Pete: [whispering] OK. Nellie: [distributing paperwork to the office] Get excited. The special projects fairy has arrived. Creed: I know you don't really exist. Nellie: Today, I launch my big charity initiative 'Operation Give Back'. Andy has shot down all of my special projects thus far but, this one is about charity. So, I'd like to see him piss on that one. Roy: [at Roy's wedding] Darryl! Ha-ha! What's happening? Darryl: Congratulations, baby! Roy: Ah, thank you! Jim: [Jim and Pam approaching the wedding venue] Is this his house? Pam: Think so. Server: [approaching Jim and Pam] Mimosa? Pam: [taking glass] Thank you. Server: Would you like me to take your peel? Pam: [embarrassed] Yes, thank you. [finishes banana and hands server the peel] Jim: OK. Pam: [as Jim receives and declines a call] Who's that? Jim: Uh, my ex-fianc��. Pam: [sarcastically] Ha-ha. Jim: I started a new business with my college friend. But, Pam doesn't know. Um' actually I did tell Pam and we decided 'no'. But, then I decided 'yes' anyway. So, I'm thinking there's another conversation coming. And, it's hard to know when that will be. Nellie: With Operation Give Back, you pick the charities Dunder-Mifflin supports. Kevin: [grinning] Oh boy! What's happening? Nellie: There's four thousand dollars to give away. So, who has filled out their form? Stanley? Stanley: American Diabetes Association. Angela: Um, you have diabetes, Stanley. [to Nellie] I'm sorry, is the assignment to pick a selfish charity? Toby: I w-, uh, I would love to give uh- Kevin: [excited] Heifer's International. Listen to this. They give a poor person like, a goat or something. It's a great prank. Creed: I wanna work with, uh, Jimmy Carter and help build gnomes. Nellie: Dwight, what about you? Dwight: I will not be participating as there is no evidence that charity works. Andy: Uh, correction, I give to a foundation that teaches homeless children nautical flag signaling. Changes lives. Nellie: Thank you, Andy. Andy: I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for the preservation of nautical flag signaling. Nellie: Dwight, you will be participating. Dwight: No thank you. Nellie: Participation is mandatory; Dwight, but you can choose whatever cause you like. Dwight: Fine, I chose the Global Relief Foundation. Nellie: Great, thank you. Dwight: Which was recently discovered to be a front for the Taliban. Nellie: [everyone groans] Oh, for goodness' sake, Dwight. Dwight: Yeah. The Taliban in Afa-ghanistan. Creed: The Taliban is the worst. Great heroine, though. Nellie: Dwight, I cannot have the Taliban on the roster of Operation Give Back. Dwight: Well, it looks like there won't be any Operation Give Back. Ha, ha. The nanny state is over, ladies and gentlemen. You're welcome. [wads up Nellie's charity sheet and tosses it toward her] Jim: [approaches Roy back at the wedding] There he is. Is it almost time to cut the pancake, or what? Roy: Aw, yeah, god, we appreciate everyone coming so early. It's, everyone's just been so nice. Jim: Thanks for inviting us, by the way- Roy: Are you kidding? Jim: That was, that was a surprise. Roy: Come on. If it wasn't for you, I never would've met Laura. I mean, seriously, kinda dodged a bullet on that one. [sees Jim's reaction] Just kidding. Jim: You're welcome. Roy: Thanks...aw. Jim: By the way, man, this place is... beautiful. Roy: Started a gravel company. I mean, who knew it'd take off? Jim: Gravel company? Roy: Yeah. What about you? What are you doing? Jim: Not gravel, obviously. [both chuckle] No, things are good. Things are good. Got some stuff in the works. So- Roy: Oh, cool. Jim: Yeah, you never know. Kenny: Hey bro, stop wasting time with this haircut. [referring to Jim] He's got a fifty-thousand dollar sports car. Cheers. Jim: OK, Kenny. Clark: [talking on phone] Duncan, listen, I would love to help you out but where am I gonna find somebody that's pretty, smart and well-informed? Huh? Hold on, hold on. [covers phone's receiver] Erin, do you know anybody that might want... [has realization] Oh my gosh. You love the news, right? Erin: Well, it depends. I mean, sometimes I find out things that are really sad. Clark: Well, I got a buddy that's a big time local news producer and I can't tell you his name, but it'd blow your mind. Pete: Uh, is it Duncan? Clark: He's looking for on-air talent and he'd kill me if I didn't get you on tape. Erin: You mean, put me on the news? Clark: You'll just come over, put on little lipstick, loosen up with a glass of red wine and then we'll just run through a few stories. You know, a couple different ways, with a couple different outfits. It'd be really tasteful and it'd really help me out with Duncan... with my friend. [Erin considers] What do you say? Huh? Erin: Maybe, ok? Let me think about it. Clark: [Pete looks on disappointed] Ok. Erin: Whoo! Clark: Think it over. [punches Pete] Pete: No, Clark's not my friend. He is the douche that sits next to me at the office. My friends are Scott, Glenn, and Rob. But, you don't know them. Erin: I never really thought much about being more than a receptionist. But, why? Because I happened to answer help wanted ad to be a receptionist? I mean, what if the ad had been for a CEO? Or for a brain surgeon? Roy: So, ah, it was a year ago today that I met Laura. I thought she was my waitress and, uh, took her three weeks to tell me that she actually owned the place. You are full of surprises. You are my beautiful mystery girl. And, today, I have a surprise for you. [approaches piano] Jim: He plays piano? Pam: No. Roy? No. Roy: You know how I said I was taking boxing lessons? Actually, I was doing this. Um, so, I hope that you like it. [sits in front of piano] Darryl: [clapping] You got this, Roy. [Roy begins playing and singing She's Got a Way by Billy Joel, Pam and Jim looked shocked, Phyllis and Bob begin making out] Pam: [in the car] We still surprise each other. Jim: Definitely. Pam: You know, I never did it, but for your 30th birthday I really wanted to surprise you with- Jim: Courtside seats. Sixers. Pam: Yes. But, what I didn't tell you is that I actually bought the tickets. We only didn't go because it was- Jim: It was an away game. Pam: In Phoenix. They should really tell you that more specifically. I mean, every game is an away game for one of the teams. [long pause] Do we know everything about each other? Jim: No. Pam: Tell me one thing about you I don't know. Jim: [laughs] Um, ok. [thinks but says nothing] Jim: [in the kitchen] Oh, here's one. Did I ever tell you about the time that my brothers videotaped the lottery announcement? And bought the winning numbers the next day? And then, played the tape for me the next week, and I- Pam: And you thought you guys were millionaires. Jim: You heard that one. Pam: Yes. But there's, wait, oh, there's a funny ending to that story. I can't remember. Jim: That I thought we were millionaires. Pam: Thought you were millionaires, yeah. That's funny. Shoot, I knew that one. Jim: That's all right. Angela: The senator and I still have mystery. I'm always waiting to see what he's gonna surprise me with next. [Oscar chokes on his coffee] Jim: You all right? [Oscar nods] Nellie: You support the Taliban abroad. So I assume you're willing to live by their rules here. Dwight: Anything else would be inconsistent. Nellie: Will you join me then in a pledge to live by Taliban law in this office? [offers Dwight a contract] Dwight: [takes contract] Absolutely, I will. Dwight: I feared Nellie had some sort of a plan but she used a ridiculous font. Huh. [in a fake English accent] You don't have a plan. Nellie: When you use a ridiculous font, no one thinks you have a plan. Nellie: [holds up pen as Dwight searches his desk] Looking for this? Dwight: What the? [follows Nellie into the break room] Nellie: Oh, this is a lovely pen. Ah. But, it's mine now because I stole it. Dwight: [taking pen back] Gimme that. Nellie: Didn't you sign a contract to live under Taliban law? And now, there's been theft. That means, you're not serious or... someone's getting their hand cut off. Dwight: You're insane. Nellie: I know. So, it's better that you pick another charity. Dwight: Oh, and let your precious Operation Power Grab proceed unchecked? No thank you. Nellie: In that case, you... [pulls out a cleaver] will have to chop off my hand. Dwight: [considers then takes cleaver] This cleaver appears to need sharpening. I suggest you spend some quality time together just you and your hand. Tie a shoe, toss a salad. Do any of the two hand activities that you'll miss the most. Nellie: I tell you what. I need to make three calls. And then after that, you can become a person who chops off people's hands. Dwight: Sounds like a plan. Andy: [in his office] Clark wants to film you in different outfits inside his apartment? Erin: Yeah. Andy: [entering annex] Clark, you and I need to have a little chat. What clothes does Erin need for this news audition? Clark: Uh... couple of button-downs, a camisole, a blazer, a pencil skirt, stilettos, maybe, no, no, not maybe, definitely open-toed. Uh, something low-cut because the camera makes everything seem higher cut. Andy: Really? Clark: Yeah, industry secret. You're gonna want some of those panty hose with the seam up the back. Pete: Seems unnecessary for an audition. Clark: And then, you know, maybe just a robe to wear in between takes but I probably got one she can borrow at my place, so- Andy: Thank god someone here knows what their talking about. I want you to take this credit card, take Erin to the mall and get that stuff. Clark: I absolutely will do that. Andy: Awesome. [to Pete] Plop! Clark: Pff. Guess I'll just head over to the mall then. Buy Erin some sexy, fun outfits. Pete: That Clark, huh? Errr [punches palm] Ca! Oscar: [in kitchen with several people around] Next question for our oldie-weds- Kevin: What's the craziest place you've ever made whoopie? Angela: [to Kevin] Language. Phyllis: Who was Pam's first celebrity crush? Oscar: Pam's first celebrity crush. Toby: [whispering] John Stamos. Jim: Ready? Pam: Uh-huh. Jim: [as he and Pam flip their cards] John Stamos. Angela: Oh! Pam: Yes. But John Stamos was temporary. I quickly moved on to- Toby: Johnny Depp. Pam: Johnny Depp. [everyone looks confused toward Toby] Toby: [after awkward pause] Sh, uh, um, I was having this separate conversation with Kevin. Uh, Johnny Depp. Kevin: Totally. George Clooney. Toby: Uh-huh. Angela: OK, I have one. I have one. [Jim's phone rings and he motions he's taking the call elsewhere] Kevin: [while Angela tries asking a question] What is the craziest place you've ever made whoopie? Angela: [as Pam wonders about Jim] Kevin, stop it with that question. Jim: [in the stairwell on his phone] Right. And did you show them the market? Yeah. And what'd they say? That's awesome! That, oh my god! Wow! Jim: It's not even real yet. And I'm not gonna tell her 'til it's real. Pam: I think maybe there actually is something I don't know about Jim. Darryl: Everyone, we have a voluntary meeting in the conference room to discuss Erin's confidence. Andy: Her body. We're gonna talk about her body. [to Darryl] Good. Great job. Darryl: Andy made me his consigliere. Which means Assistant Regional Manager. I guess he thought I'd be into The Godfather 'cause I'm black. Wrong! I'm into The Godfather 'cause I'm a cinephile. I like Scarface 'cause I'm black. Andy: [to a full conference room] Erin has an audition to be a newscaster. [general acknowledgement] Andy: Uh-huh. And I want her to feel very comfortable in her very sexy skin. So, everybody say something that you like about her body. All right? Darryl. Darryl: OK, um, I like Erin's hair. It's a very pretty color. Andy: Yeah, right? Jim: I'm sorry. This is for a news audition? Andy: Yeah. Oscar: Then why are we talking about her looks? Why not her credibility? Or her reliability? Andy: News flash everyone. The human race finds attractive people more trustworthy. Oscar: I'm so sorry, Andy, but for twenty years, the most trusted man in America - Walter Cronkite. Meredith: Cronkite was hot. If I could go back in time, I'd take that mustache ride. Oscar: Does Erin have any experience? Has she taken any journalism classes, maybe? Or... Angela: Has she done the pageant circuit? Erin: No, I watch the news. Andy: She's gonna be amazing. Look at her. She's gonna light up the screen. Erin: This is a first for me. And, I don't get a lot of chances, so I have to take them really seriously. I will do whatever it takes to get the job. Clark: [whispering to Pete] Whatever it takes. Pete: [whispering] Yeah, I know, I heard. I heard. Dwight: [places Nellie's hand on a board and holds up cleaver] This is it. Any questions? Nellie: Is it gonna be long? Dwight: No. It's gonna be over before you know it. Erin: [pretending to read news] Afghan president Hamid Karzai declared a new policy of dollar days throughout the country. Promising low, low prices on all 2012 Kia Sentras and Sonatas. Aren't you glad you waited? Karzai commented. Darryl: Um, where did you get that story? Erin: A little bit here, a little bit there. I bet you didn't think I knew current events. Andy: I love it. It's fantastic. Now, tag it with your name. Erin: For Channel 11 news, I'm Erin Hannon. Andy: Pause after 'news'. Erin: For Channel 11 news... I'm Erin Hannon. Andy: No, pause longer. Darryl: That was a good one. Andy: Pause, pause longer. OK? Builds suspense. Don't be shy. Erin: Got it. For Channel 11 news... [very long pause] Andy: Wha, it's- Erin: I'm Erin Hannon. Andy: OK. All right. Great. Some great stuff in there. Jim: [as Pam stares at him] I can feel you looking at me. Pam: OK. Well, here's something you don't know. A couple of weeks ago- Jim: Uh-huh. Pam: I ran into this guy from my high school who has just gotten divorced and he hit on me. In the mall. And I didn't tell you because, I don't know, I felt embarrassed. And, I didn't know if you would be mad or worried. But, anyway, I thought you'd want to know. Jim: [after a pause] That didn't happen. You would've told me right away. Pam: Yeah, I would've. What about you? Come on, there's gotta be something. Between your birth and the last two days, something you just haven't had the chance to tell me. Jim: Uh... [looks at Pam] Pam: [looks knowingly back] Just tell me. Jim: God, give it up, Beesley. You know me too well. Dwight: Heh! Ha! [making various sounds and movements while preparing to severe Nellie's hand] [Darryl enters, sees what's happening, and quietly exits] Pete: Hey, um, I knew something bothered me and I finally figured it out. What news producers are gonna want to see is how Erin relates to the other people on the news team. Erin: Oh. Pete: The weird thing is Erin is doing the audition alone. Erin: Oh god. Pete: Now, I'd say Clark could be your co-host... he's already doing camera. Erin: Tuh. Pete: Someone who's already got rapport with Erin, maybe. I don't know. [Andy smiles at camera] Dwight: Ha! [raises cleaver] This is for real this time. Darryl: It's getting late. I thought you guys could use a little [sets up laptop] inspiration. Nellie: [Darryl hits play] Oh, a movie. What is this? Darryl: 127 hours. It's about this guy who- Dwight: No, no. No spoilers. Please. Darryl: My bad. Dwight: No. Darryl: Goodnight. Clark: [answers his door to find Erin, Andy and Pete] Hey! Everybody. Andy: Yeah. Clark: Come in. Andy: All right! Clark: Come on in. Andy: Nice. Clark: [to Pete] What're you doing here? Pete: Sorry, man. Andy though Erin needed a co-anchor. I'm his makeup guy. My hands are tied. Erin: [news anchor audition] The victim was released from the hospital with second-degree burns. Andy: [also as anchor] Wow. You know what they say Erin. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. Erin: Well, he tried to but the fire door was blocked. Andy: He sure did. Clark: All right. We got that. That's a rap, everybody. Erin: Aw! Andy: Just, you sure Clark? Clark: Yep, she's done. Andy: No, I just, I don't mean Erin. I mean for me. I didn't feel good about that. Clark: No, we got it. We got it. Erin: Great! Let's get some food. I'm starving. Andy: I don't think we did get it. I could do, uh, a couple more takes. We could do it in close-up. That might even be better for editing. Clark: OK, I don't. Andy: All right. Erin: I'm hungry. Andy: Uh, Pete, you wanna take Erin to get a burger or something? Pete: Yeah, whatever you say, boss. Andy: OK. [to Erin] I'll call you later. Erin: OK. Andy: [to Clark] So this is a single. Erin: Hey, even if this doesn't work out for me, I'm just glad I had the guts to do it. And, maybe it'll work out for Andy. Dwight: [as he and Nellie watch the movie] Oh god. Nellie: That is absolutely revolting! Dwight: Yeah. Nellie: He is so good, though. Dwight: Yes. Nellie: The way he just cuts off his arm. Dwight: If you like James Franco, we really should watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Nellie: Well, he's a genius, you know? He was in graduate programs at Yale, Columbia and NYU all at the same time. Dwight: Whoopty doo. That doesn't make you a genius. Nellie: Well, it doesn't make you stupid. Dwight: Yeah, it does, actually. It makes you real stupid. Nellie: Stupid like you. Dwight: No, like you. Nellie: Like you. Dwight: You're the stupid one. Nellie: You're the stupid one. Dwight: You're the stupid one. Nellie: You're the stupid one. Dwight: You, you, you, you...

Fake Jim: Morning, Dwight Dwight: Who are you? Fake Jim: Who am I? I'm Jim. We've been working together for twelve years. Ha, Weird joke, Dwight. Dwight: You're not Jim. Jim's not Asian Fake Jim: You seriously never noticed? Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race. Dwight: Alright then Jim. Ahhh, why don't you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday? Fake Jim: Uh, Wellington systems? Sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock. Or, were you talking about Krieger-Murphy? Because I didn't close that one yet, but I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Krieger waiting for me. Voicemail: Please enter your password. Voicemail: You have one new message. Dwight: How did you know? No! No, no! That is sensitive information only for employees, not outsiders! Fake Jim: Dwight, cut it out, I'm trying to work. Dwight: You don't work here! You're not Jim! Pam: Jim, I got us that dinner reservation. Grico's at 7:30. Fake Jim: Oh great, can't wait. [Kisses Pam] Pam: Jim's at the dentist this morning. And Steve is an actor friend of ours. Dwight: I don't know who you are, but you are not Jim. This is Jim! Dwight: Oh my'! Oh d'! Oh, how did'? [gasps] Huhhhhh! Erin: Heyyy! Study buddies! Darryl: Oh, ok. Erin: Getting things done. Awesome! Darryl: It's all about finding ways to make yourself more efficient. Life hacking, baby. This morning, I brushed my teeth in the shower. Saved my self 90 seconds. Which I just used to explain this to you. Damn it! Darryl: Since Andy promoted me to assistant regional manager, I've been trying to step my game up, you know, be more productive. In fact, you know what? Let's knock out a few more of these sound bites while we're here. [pauses] Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament. Erin: [speaking in French] S'il vous plait'dites-Moi'Ugggghhh les Bleagh! Dwight: Ah, French. It's a great language. If you're a chain-smoking acrobat. Erin: I'm just trying to fit in better with Andy's family. They all speak more than one language. Usually when I'm there! Dwight: You wanna learn a really impressive second language? Try dothraki. Win over any man in my guild. Dwight: Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic war-mongering horse lords of Essos as featured in the superb Home Box Office series, Game of Thrones. It has a lot of nudity. Which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads. Dwight: I could teach you if you want. It's a lot easier than French. Erin: Yeah! Let's do it! Dwight: [exclaims] Atherozar! Erin: [shocked] Oh! Dwight: It means 'excellent'. And we have begun. Pam: [asks Nellie who is tapping a pen on her desk]. Is everything okay? Nellie: Hmm? Oh'oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine. Fine, fine, fine. I'm mean, I d'I just don't wanna'burden you with my massive stress freak outs! Pam: Great. Nellie: It's just that I am taking my driver's license test in two days, and I need to practice with an experienced driver in the car. But I've had no time to do that, thanks to 'Demandy'...[Points to Andy's office with her thumb]. I just want to hit the open road and drive, man! But'in who's car? Andy: [yells] Nellie! Get your wrinkly old balls in here. Nellie: [sighs] Pam: Nellie, I could practice with you in my car at lunchtime. Nellie: Oh, Pam, thank you! You are my savior! [hugs Pam] Nellie and Pam: [giggling] ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Pam: [to Jim] I'm sorry, I'm leaving you alone for lunch. Jim: Don't worry about it. I have a thing. A thing of soup. Which I've been wanting to try. Nellie: This is my research into how we might produce child-proof paper that doesn't give you paper cuts. We can't. And here is a print out of your genealogy from thisisyourfamilytree.com Andy: Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights. Nellie: Well, it turns out, you are a distant blood relative of Michelle Obama! Andy: As in... Nellie: Wife of Barack, loves gardening, wants to wipe out fat children. Andy: [silently mouths] Wow! Andy: This is super-flattering. She's the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us. Andy: My fellow Americans, I have a feeling my approval rating is about to go through the roof. Turns out, I am related to Michelle Obama. Erin: I was intimidated by Andy's family before. And now I have to see the First Lady at holidays? She's gonna be like, 'What's your stance on politics?' Or, 'What is the best war to do?' And, I will just be like, 'Duhhhh!' Andy: Alright! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit, America! Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but uh...I'm related to Michelle Obama. Pete: Yeah we noticed early on, Andy really appreciates enthusiasm. Clark: So we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders. Clark: Oooohhhhhhhh! Clark: It's starting to have this reverse effect, though, where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome. Pete: Yeah, me too. It's weird. Hard to remember what's real at this point. Clark: Just clap through it, man. Darryl: You log in sales at ten different times. If you log 'em all at once, you save a lot of time. It's called batching. Jim: That was really good, Darryl. Darryl: Life hacking, man. Andy: There he is! Jim: Andy, you gotta check this out. He just showed me'[gets interrupted by Andy]. Andy: [shushing Jim] Ahhhthathathathathta. Right now I need canned tuna, okay? Darryl, guess which talented individual, who also has a killer singing voice, is related to the First Lady? Darryl: Tracee Ellis Ross. Daughter of the First Lady of Motown, Diana Ross. Andy: It's me! [chuckles] I am related to Michelle Obama. Darryl: What?! Really? Andy: I mean, it's distant, but... Darryl: [chuckles in agreement] Huh ha! That's cool, man. Andy: Right? Andy: Darryl said, 'Cool, man.' He called me as cool man. Pam: You know, I really do think it would be worth it to pull over and just take ten minutes to eat. Nellie: Mmmm'the thing is Pam, I'm gonna be eating while I'm driving, so, I might as well get good at it. Pam: Brake lights. Break lights! Break lights! Break lights!!! Nellie: Whhooooo! Oscar: I'm just saying, what does it imply in this country when a white person shares an ancestor with a black person? Phyllis: You think that Andy's family owned slaves? Stanley: Well somebody owned somebody. And I don't think anybody would buy an Andy. Dwight: I throat-rip. Erin: Foth aggendak! Dwight: You throat-rip. Erin: Foth aggendi! Dwight: He/she/it throat rips. Erin: Foth aggenda! Dwight: More of a, barbaric growl. Erin: [in a barbaric growl] Forth aggenda! Dwight: Louder! You're shouting it from the back of a horse! Erin: Wah!! Aggenda!! Pam: Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh? Nellie: [laughs mischievously] Yeeeeahhhh! It's almost unbelievable! Pam: What? Nellie: Well, you know how Andy has been really salting my onions, lately. Pam: Sure. Nellie: Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online, I remembered that news story about Michelle Obama having white relatives, and I just knew he would eat that up! Pam: So he's not related to Michelle Obama? Nellie: Pam, I barely know how to turn on my computer. Pam: [laughs] Pam: Nellie's pretty fearless. And I think she might be maybe even almost sort of fun. Nellie: [whispers] Pam! [she pretends to slam a wrench over the tire service guy's head]. Pam: [laughs] Oscar: Well, if there's another explanation, I don't really see what it could possibly be. I'[gets cut by Andy barging into the convo] Andy: What's going on here? I'm related to the first lady, okay? Get over it. [chuckles] I still need weekly status reports from most of you, sooooo, can we get back to work, please? Get back to work! [Mimicks smacking everyone with a whipl]. Oscar: Andy! Andy! No! I would be very polite today. Andy: Why? Is it employee's day or something? I cannot keep track of these BS holidays. Oscar: Your connection. To Michelle Obama has certain... negative connotations. Most likely, your family were'slave owners. Andy: Does anyone else think it's possible that I come from slave owners? Darryl: Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament. Andy: Hey mom, it's Andy. Give me a call when you get a chance gotta quick question for you, uhhhh no big deal just about America's national shame, thanks, Bye. Darryl: Yes, yes, yes. Andy: Great. Ooo! Spreadsheets! Yum, yum! Darryl: I included some time saving ideas... Andy: Huh huh huh. Look, I'm not gonna lie to ya, I'm a teensy bit distracted right now. Darryl: Look, Andy, even if your ancestors did own slaves, it wouldn't be your fault. This is only weird if you make it weird. Andy: [snaps his fingers] Right on, brotha. Wurddd. Erin: Addor! Dwight: Daraas! Erin: Qazer! Dwight: Daraas! [asks the rest of the office] Does anyone here have fermented mare's milk? Pete: Hey Erin! Erin: Azem choma! Chomakka-attun! Pete: Oh'okay. Sorry. Nellie: Oh, still, it must great to have something else going on outside of work. Pam: Yeah'turn signal. It's exciting to be painting again'those are the wipers. So'the'its'just. There you go! Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah, things get so busy with the kids'red light'that it's nice to have that creative outlet'red light! Red light! Red! Red! Nellie: That is brilliant, Pam. I would love to see some of your work. Pam: Well, since we're stopped at a light, uhhh, here is...the mural I did for Angela's baby. Nellie: That's amazing, Pam! Oh, I love the lion in the tuxedo! Pam: Angela insisted that all the animals be fully clothed. Andy: [to Erin]. Heyyy, has anyone turned in their status reports up here? Erin: Vos! Andy: So, no? You think maybe you could remind people? I'm trying to down play the whole bossy boss thing today. Erin: Because of your slaves. Andy: Not my slaves, my ancestors'. Maybe. Probably not. Erin: Well, if it makes you feel any better, the dothraki word for 'slave master', 'attafrauk!', is a term of respect. I'm learning how to speak dothraki! Color you impressed? Andy: That you're learning a made-up language from HBO's Game of Thrones? I have a lot going on today...but this was a great nerd-out! Erin: Dwight, you didn't tell me you were teaching me a fake language. Dwight: People laughed at Klingon at first, and now you can major in it. Andy: Hi guys. Phyllis: Hey boss! I am so thirsty. Could I have a scoop of water? Andy: Yeah. You don't have to ask me. Andy: Ha ha! Okay. Great. Very funny. I get it. Just because my ancestors happen to be'[ringtone of Dixie plays]. Very funny, Kevin. Changed my ringtone. Very funny. I liked the original song on my ringtone, which, you may remember, was 'Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes' by Paul Simon, featurinnnngg Lady Smith'African American'Mambazo. Pam: Good. Very good. [cell phone beeping]Oh'no! Here. It's, uh, a text from Andy. 'New special proj. Need fam tree for evbody. Really dig up dirt A.S.A.P.' And then in parentheses, he wrote out 'as soon as possible.' Nellie: Mm. Ugh, looks like its pretend-y time again. Write back, 'looking for dirt.' Pam: Oh, can I help? We could say someone is related to, uhm, Tonya Harding. Nellie: Pam, I'm related to Tonya Harding. Pam: Oh'gee'I'm' Nellie: No! I'm just practicing my lyyiiinggg! [whispers] I love it. Pam: Brilliant! Nellie: What should we say about Jim? Pam: Ummm. Oh! I'll say he's related to Richard Nixon. It's an inside joke. He looks really Nixon-y when he wakes up. Nellie: My ex behaved like Nixon. All of the lying. None of the sexual charisma. [pauses] I just made a joke there. Pam: I'm sorry. It's just, uhm, I actually do have this weird feeling that there's something Jim isn't telling me. Nellie: Oh no! Oh! An affair! It is always an affair! Pam: Jim? No. Nellie: [sighs]. How can you be sure? Pam: Because he just loves me too much. Nellie: You're a cocky little thing, aren't you, Pam? Andy: I've done a little genealogy research of my own. Turn out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons in the ol' family closet. For example, Phyllis's great-great grandmother was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States. Angela: Ew. Andy: Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt. Kevin: And John Wayne? Andy: No. Not that I see here. Kevin: Wayne Johnson? The Rock? Andy: You mean Dwayne? And no. What about Jim Halpert? Uh oh! Turns out, distant relative of the reviled, Richard Nixon! Jim: Pam always says I look like Nixon. That's crazy, right? I mean there's nothing there. True'[touches his nose] Oh no. Andy: Dwight's grandfather was a'[is interrupted by Dwight]. Dwight: Was a member of the Bund. Which is not technically the same thing as the Nazi party. So'[clears throat] Andy: I was gonna say he was a tax evader. Dwight: Oh. I was joking about that whole Bund thing. Oh ho, the look on your faces! Hahhahahahahah! Hahahahahah! Andy: And Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden. Meredith: Cool! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! [mimics stabbing into Angela's throat] Angela: Stop it! Stop it! You're frightening me! Phyllis: Andy, did you call this meeting just to talk junk about our families? Kevin: Yeah, that'you're being really mean, Andy. Dwight: Yeah, Andy. Andy: No, I'm proving a point, okay? We all have ancestors who may have done horrible things in the past. But it's in the past and it's not our fault. So we don't have to talk about it. Oscar: The difference is, Andy, that you're the only be here still benefitting from the terrible things that your ancestors did. Andy: Might've done. And how' do you figure? Oscar: Your family's rich! I have to believe that a big part of the Bernard fortune was earned on the backs of slaves. Andy: You know, there's nothing wrong with being successful in America, Oscar! I'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth. That wealth, could one day benefit society...if capital gains are ever taxed as the same rate as earned income. Oscar: Really? Andy: We merely transported them. Which at worst, makes us amoral middlemen. Andy: Yo, d-dog. I need your help. I'm trying to think of things I can say that make it sound like I had a more difficult childhood than I actually had. Darryl: You're gonna po' mouth Andy: Exactly. Help me po' mouth, Darryl. Darryl: Actually, Andy, you promised me five minutes to talk about productivity suggestions' Andy: What if I said that my dad beat me. And, I just left out the croquet of it all. Or, I could just go all the way and just say I grew up in an apartment. Or is that too crazy? Darryl: That could work. Andy: You now, Darryl, this is textbook assistant regional manager stuff here, and I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting. I'm coming up with all the ideas here. Darryl: I'm going for a walk. Andy: [with a sigh] Okay. Pam: Good. Good. And'[Nellie hits the car against the bushes] Jim: You doing alright, man? Darryl: I'm done. I gotta get out of here. Jim: Yeah. Not the easiest day to be assistant regional manager. Darryl: It's not just today, it's everyday. It seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets. Jim: Oh, come on, it can always get better. Right? Darryl: Hmm. Yeah right Jim: No, I'm serious. There's always something better. Darryl: Like what? Jim: Like hypothetically' if I said there was another job. That you and I could both have. Darryl: What kind of job? Jim: Something cool. Like, sports marketing or... that sound something like you'd be into? Darryl: Hell yeah! Jim: Right? Darryl: That sounds awesome! Jim: Ok, but wait. What if I told you that it was in Philly! So you'd have to... Darryl: I love Philly! Jim: Right? Darryl: It's not even a thought' Jim: Not even a thought! It's not even that far away! I could still commute! Exactly. Exactly! Alright! Darryl: What? Wait, wait, wait? So what? This happening? Jim: Oh, it's happening! Let's just keep it between you and me for right now. Darryl: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. For sure. for sure. Man! And Pam's into it? Jim: We, uh, we haven't talked about. But I think that she's'I think she understands... what this is. Darryl: Oh, come on, man. I thought you had something real. Jim: What? No, no, no! Come on! This is real! Darryl: It's not real... until your wife is on board. Pam: So what did you want to show me? Nellie: That is quite an ugly wall, isn't it? Pam: Yeah. It's really ugly Nellie: Needs something, doesn't it? I'm thinking'a mural. Pam: You mean me? Nellie: Yes! You! You are soo talented! It's going to be my next special project. Hiring Scranton's most dangerous young muralist to paint the warehouse wall. Pam: Oh my god! I love it! Uh, I'Nellie, this is brilliant! [sees Jim] Hey! Jim: Hey! Can I talk you? For a second? Nellie: Anything you have to say to her, you can say to me. She never loved you! Pam: What?! No! I-I got this. [Laughs] Okay? Nellie: [quietly] This is his fault. It is not your fault. I'm gonna find you someone better, and rich. Nellie: And Filipino. But we'll break that to her later. Nellie: [to Darryl] You know what this is all about. Darryl: Yeah. You too, huh? Nellie: Yeah. Go on, spill it. Tell her all the gory details, youuuu sssnake! Darryl: Hey! He deserves this. And he said I could get in on it too. [whispers] Yeah. Nellie: Ohhh, Pam, nooo! Oh, I can't bear to watch this. Jim: I don't know what I was so worried about. I have the best wife in the world. Pam: I still can't believe he didn't tell me. Pam: I was helping Nellie drive'[Stanley interrupts] Stanley: Do not care. Pete: Fonas chek! Erin: Dothraas! chek! [giggles] Andy: I like that guy. We should hook him up with Meredith. Erin: [in agreement] Hmmm!

Andy: Alright everybody, great season of softball, I'm super proud of you guys and I think you're gonna like this little highlight reel that I put together. [Andy plays video] Group: Dunder Mifflin! Andy: Andy Bernard presents: Summer Softball Epic Fails! [Kevin swings bat on screen, fart noise follows] Fail. [repeats] Fail: Kevin: [repeats] Andy: Fail: Oscar: Andy: A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail! [Points to video] Who's this guy? Dwight: Fail! Jim: I deserved that. Andy: [Darryl runs in slow motion on video] Darryl: That was a triple. Andy: Can't take the fail? Get out of the fail video! Darryl: My pleasure. [Clark and Pete are shown on screen] Video Andy: Hey, I'm Pete, puberty is such a drag, man. And I'm Clark! I like to eat toilet paper. [Clark and Pete wave at camera] We fail! [Video shows memorial of Jerry: Andy: Oscar: What was that? That was just a normal video with you making vulgar noises. Andy: Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar. Next time do more failure stuff, OK? Jim: Uh, what happened to that video I sent you? Andy: Oh that wasn't...that didn't work. That was not the right..[Group protests] Jim: I think I got it right here. Andy: That was not a fail. Group: Fail! Fail! Fail!... Andy: [Group continues chanting 'Fail!']That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. [Group keeps chanting] You're all failing right now. [Group continues] Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail! [Group claps and chants] Dwight: [Toby uses tester on wall as Erin marks wall with red tape X] Oh, god. Phyllis: What's going on? Dwight: Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving please. Stanley: What's he measuring? Dwight: OK, excuse me. I am the landlord. This is between me and the management, no one else. Please. Toby: It's an EMF hotspot. Phyllis: [Gasps] Oh my god! Oscar: It stands for electromagnetic field. Generally cause by a concentration of wiring in one area [Erin marks red tape X on the floor] Especially if they're poorly insulated. Dwight. Andy: Um, OK I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall? Toby: You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives? Andy: I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour? Stanley: Well I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven. Dwight: OK, listen. Everything here is up to code. Dwight: [mocking] Oh, the wires need insulation. [normal voice] It's a wire people. I'm not buying it a fur coat. Pam: [Jim rushes to open door for her] Thank you. Jim: You got it. Jim: Last week, I finally told Pam about the other job I took in Philly...the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they came lumbering over and I was like wham! [mimes punch] Gotta go through me first. Nellie: Andy, could I have a word please? Um, it won't take a moment. It's extremely important and it really has to happen now. Andy: Fine. I will give you one minute. Nellie: Oh, please don't use the hourglass. Andy: You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of it's baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase. Nellie: I'm trying to adopt a baby. Andy: A baby what? A human?! Nellie: And the...agency require a character reference from my employer. Andy: Oh. Nellie: You wouldn't have to do anything. I would write the letter myself and you just simply sign it. So. Andy: Oh, OK. And fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don't think so. Nellie: It's not..it's- Andy: And I happen to notice you're down to about thirty seconds here. Nellie: Well then if I could just convince... Andy: And those sand grains are tumbling.. Nellie: You. Andy: With fury... Nellie: It's not..it's not Andy: Down the sides.. Nellie: Entrapment if I'm.. Andy: Of the hourglass.. Nellie: ..writing.. Andy: Time's up! Nellie: Fine. Andy: Sure. I'll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah. I'll sign that. Dwight: [Reading from computer] 'Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive!' That means you can't make me do squat. Meredith: You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I ain't losing any more good parts. Dwight: You people don't realize what you're asking. I'd have to rip open the walls. We'd have to shut this place down for a week. Pam: Week off. That'd be great. Darryl: [Jim puts popcorn bag in microwave] Hey, if you don't want to teach me Power Point, just say so. Clark: I don't want to teach you Power Point. Darryl: Come on! Just show me the Power Point. Clark: Just do the tutorial. Darryl: You're the tutorial. Clark: No, dude, I'm not. I'm not the tutorial. Darryl: You could be. Clark: Mm-mm. Darryl: [to Jim] What are you doing? Jim: Getting my wife a week off from work. Darryl: You popped one kernel. Jim: Awesome, right? [leaves] Clark: So Creed is that dude's step dad? Darryl: Correct. Jim: Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I'm just gonna say it. I'm nervous. I have no idea what health problems this is all gonna cause. [group agrees, protests] Dwight: What? Come on. Creed: I'm getting older. I'm losing my hair... Meredith: I'm not gonna grow a third arm! Dwight: I know what Jim is trying to do. He's trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry, lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field. Most of my childhood heroes got their power that way. Jim: [reading from computer] 'Side effects of EMF include: headaches...' Dwight: Had 'em all my life. Jim: '..breast pain...' Dwight: No nobbies, no probbies. Nice try Jim. Jim: Oof. 'Infertility.' Dwight: [scoffs] Yeah right. [Dwight moves mouse pad over his crotch] Jim: Ah! There's my popcorn. Can you just grab that for me? Dwight: Psh. Keep your snacks on your side, Jim. Idiot. [notices popped kernels in the bag] What the? Jim: What? Dwight: Some of these kernels have crowned. Jim: That's impossible, cause that's a brand new bag...[looks up to ceiling where there is a red tape X over Dwight's chair] Oh my god. Dwight: Andy! [Jim mimes basketball shot] Jim: I'm gonna drive you up to the lake, give you a whole week on the water. Just you, me and the kids. Pam: Oh, can we stop by that pie stand on the way? Jim: You mean Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also? [Pam nods] Yes we will be doing that. We'll be getting a dozen. Pam: A dozen different pies? Cause that means rhubarb. Jim: Why would you say that? I meant 4 apple, 4 blueberry, 2 cherry, 1 peach and 1 chocolate. I thought that was implied. Pam: Yeah, OK then. Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard your complaints and we reached a settlement. Dwight: So, we will be leaving the office for one whole week. Meredith: Nice job. Dwight: In my contract, it is stipulated that I provide a temporary work space. It will arrive in one hour. Jim: What? Pam: What's this? Andy: Whoa! Jim: What? Dwight: [Bus pulls into lot] Bring it in! Dwight: Roll into the future with Work Bus. Say goodbye to wasteful buildings. These days a mobile office isn't just for hotshot politicians. Now anyone can rent a work bus. [Meredith and Kevin bump chairs in bus angrily] If you've got a parking lot, a work space is just a phone call away. [Erin tapes candy dish to pole] In this age of belt tightening and less empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done. Stanley: [on phone] There are a hundred packs.. Oscar: [On phone] No six after the eight, no... Stanley: Shh! Oscar: Shh! Stanley: Ninety nine cases..yeah. Oscar: Six. [Pete opens air vent over Angela, papers go flying] Angela: Ooh! Pete: Oh sorry! Sorry. Angela: Oh my god! Erin: [bumps into Meredith] Sorry. Meredith: Lose weight. Erin: I'm trying. Sorry. Erin: [handing Nelly envelope] Oh, the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare Pre-Adoption Standard. Nellie: Oh of course, you were adopted. Erin: [laughs] I wish! No, I um, I made some short lists. I had a couple sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone. I don't know what it was. Not loveable maybe? [laughs] Oh well. Nellie: Listen, I'm really struggling with this form. But as you know the system, you think maybe you could..? Erin: Absolutely. I know exactly what they want to hear. I would love to help. Nellie: Oh thank you so much! Erin: [whispers] Just don't tell Andy, because.. Nellie: He hates me and thinks I'm a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness. [Erin nods] Clark: Stretch. Alright. Stanley: How many times do you need to take a stroll? Clark: I, my legs cramp up! Ok, it's a circulation issue. Stanley: Boy, I will hammer spank your rear. Jim: Alright, alright, gang. Let's just settle down. You're yelling in her face. Clark: It's a medical thing. Jim: Just...you good? Clark: I'm good. I.. Jim: [to Pam] I'm so sorry for all of this. Pam: It's OK. You know what they say, a change is as good as a rest. Angela: I, I need to get to the paper please. [Reaching for overhead bin above Pam, papers fall and Pam has liquid spilled on her] Pam: Oh my god! Ah! Jim: I'll get you a napkin. Someone get napkins please! Pam: You know what? It's fine, it's fine. Let me just...it's fine. [Pam leaves work bus] Jim: Pam, I'm really sorry. I- I'm really sorry about...all that. [Dwight smiles at Jim] Really? Smirking? Dwight: What can I say? I love justice. You forced me to spend money on needless repairs, and uh now you're locked in a prison bus and your woman drips with beverage. Jim: Hey, Dwight. I was trying to do something nice for Pam. Can you just, help me out? Can we maybe take this thing somewhere? Or do something to not make this the worst day ever? Dwight: It's not my responsibility to solve your marriage problems by spending my money on gas. Jim: Andy! Andy: Yo. Dudeces. Jim: You're the boss. Don't you think we'd all be a lot more productive if while we were doing work we looked up and saw the best rural pie stand in Pennsylvania? Phyllis: Oh, I know I'd be more productive. Kevin: As would I. Stanley: No question. Dwight: No. No! This is a work bus. The wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site. Jim: What are you talking about? You're not the boss. Andy is. Andy? Phyllis, Kevin & Stanley: Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! Andy: Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight, get this bus moving. Erin: Yes! [Group cheers] Jim: Next stop: Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also. Pam: Oh! Yes! [Group cheers, Dwight moves to driver seat] Jim: [To Dwight] So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh? Dwight: Get your foot behind the yellow line. Jim: You got it. Erin: Yeah Jim! [Group claps] Darryl: [Sitting outside building] Stop. Clark: Come back. Darryl: Too late. Clark: Mmm. Group: Shabooyah, role call. Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call. Pam: My name is Pam. Group: Yeah! Pam: I like to paint. Group: Yeah! Pam: You think you're better? Group: Yeah! Pam: Oh no you ain't! Group: Role Call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call! Kevin: My name is Kevin. Group: Yeah! Kevin: That is my name. Group: Yeah! Kevin: They call me Kevin. Group: Yeah! Kevin: Cause that's my name. Group: Role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Creed: [Dwight pulls over to pick up hitchhiker] Thanks. Playing a little hookey from work today...Oh my god. Andy: Dunder Mifflin road trip twenty twelve! [group takes pictures] Ah OK, now a serious one. Pam: Hey, where's Dwight? He should be a part of this. Has he been acting kinda weird to you lately? Jim: If by lately you mean the last twelve years, yeah. Pam: No, I mean he's sulking. That's not like him. Jim: He's just mad that we're all having fun. Pam: Then why isn't he scheming? Or preparing to avenge? Jim: He's fine. He's indestructible. Erin: Always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered. We're not hostages. Nellie: [laughs] Well, I have considered kidnapping one. Erin: Never say that. Erin: I am so excited thinking about this child you're going to adopt. Nellie: I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five year old again. I would snap you up. Stanley: Next stop pies! [group joins in] Group: Next stop pies! Kevin: Next stop pies! Jim: Let's go driver! [clapping] Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so... Kevin: At five? That's only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare. Angela: So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head? Kevin: Wh... Oscar: Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies? Kevin: 314 pies. Oscar: What if it were salads? Kevin: Well, it's the...carry the four...and...it doesn't work. Dwight: I'm sorry to spoil Jim's fantastic voyage everyone, but we're almost out of gas. Jim: OK, well I saw a station about a mile back so, chop chop. Dwight: That name brand place? Nope forget about it, sorry. The tanks are so big on this thing, five cents a gallon extra, that really adds up. Jim: Are you kidding me? Dwight, come on! Pam: Hey honey, I don't think we should push him. Jim: Oh no, I'm gonna push him. You know why? Because you're getting a pie. Why? Cause you deserve it. And what is he doing? He's trying to drive us all around the countryside looking for gas because he knows we won't get there. Is that what we want?! Group: No! Dwight: Stop ordering me around, Jim! Jim: What do we want?! Group: Pies! Jim: When do we want it?! Group: Pies! Dwight: OK, fine. You win. Jim, you win. We have been battling for a long time, but you know what? You win, cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male, there you go. [drops keys in Jim's lap] Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie. Go buy the whole world a pie. Jim: That's impossible. [Dwight climbs through ceiling hatch] Dwight! Meredith: Oh my! Jim: What are you doing? Meredith: Dwight, what the hell? Oscar: Dwight! Clark: What? Kevin: Well now I don't even feel like pie. Wait...no it's back. Phyllis: [Dwight's footsteps sound from the ceiling] Just drive away. Just.. Pam: Phyllis! That's not safe. Kevin: Guys, we only have eighteen minutes left. At sixty one miles an hour we're just gonna barely make it. Pam: [to Jim] Go up and check on him. He's upset. Jim: You know he's doing all this on purpose. Pam: Please? Just make sure he's OK? [Jim climbs through hatch] Stanley: Hurry it up for god's sake. They're gonna be out of banana cream! Andy: Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point! [group gasps] Meredith: What? Jim: Dwight? Why are you such a jerk? I am trying to do something for my wife and you keep derailing- Dwight: I'm barren, Jim. Jim: What? Dwight: My trouser hives are void of honey. I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins. I thought I would be a father and instead I am a eunuch. Neutered by my own building. Jim: Is this about the popcorn? Or the X on the ceiling? Dwight, that was a prank. Dwight: You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank? Jim: No. Dwight: That's genius. That's the best prank you've ever done. [laughs] Jim: I'll take it. Nellie: Andy? Andy: Who is it? Nellie: Um, is this a good time? Andy: Yeah. Perfect time. I'm right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. [takes paper from Nelly] Fine, let me read it. What do we have here? Uh, ok, [reading] blah blah blah blah blah, dah dah dah dah dah dah, you've made this very easy for me. It's unsignable. Nellie: Oh, why, is there something? Andy: It's inaccurate, dishonest and...in a word? Dongwater. Nellie: Ah well, perhaps I could rewrite some of the- Andy: Here's the thing, you asked me to do you a favor? I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream. Nellie: Alright then. Jim: Dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant. Dwight: Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive? Jim: That doesn't matter. Dwight: What position did you use to conceive? Jim: Ok...that's not... Dwight: Regular? Or lady on her back? You used lady on her back, didn't you, you freak. Yuck, gross. Never mind, Jim. Andy: [To Pete. Crying sounds come from behind Nelly's curtain] British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right? Pete: I don't think that's Nelly. Andy: What? Nellie: Oh, oh no, no. Look, it's alright. [Erin cries, Nelly comforts her] It really isn't your fault. No, no. Look, it's...you were so kind. And it isn't anything to do with you. Jim: Did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it, we're all kinda like your children? Dwight: You know there's a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it. Jim: Well, now you have a bus full of real..bilden..kin.. Dwight: Bildenkinder. Jim: OK. And they're all dangerously close to not getting pie. And there's only one guy who can save them. It's not me. Pam: Oh! [Jim reenters bus through hatch] Hey! How'd it go? Jim: It's pretty good actually. Pam: Yeah? Jim: We bonded. We got to- [Dwight starts dropping into the bus on top of Jim] Oscar: Whoa! Whoa! Dwight! [group reacts] Dwight: When you don't get out of the way! Out of the way! Pam: You feel OK now? Dwight: Oh, better than OK. [grabs Pam's shoulders] You know what honey? I'm gonna get you that rhubarb pie. Pam: Well, actually, rhubarb is- Jim: Don't.. Pam: the one pie that I don't. Jim: Don't.. Dwight: Everybody! Hang on! [Dwight pulls out quickly] Angela: Oh! [bus tears around corners as group crashes into each other] Jim: [Group chants along] Pie! Pie! Pie! Group: Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! [cheers as they arrive] Nellie: Oh. Andy: I changed my mind. [gives Nelly papers] Nellie: Oh, you signed it? Andy: Yeah. Not as is, obviously. Made a couple changes. Added some sentences at the end. Trust me it needed it. [laughs] Well, yeah, whatever. So. [walks away] Nellie: [Reading] 'She's tough in business, but tender with the people she cares about. She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents.' Kevin: I insult you, Oscar. Oscar: What? Kevin: I insult you! To your face! Oscar: I don't know what you're talking about. Kevin: Then why don't you do something about it? Oscar: [laughs] Kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you? In the face with my pie? Kevin: You don't have the guts. You stupid, dumb, doo doo face! [Oscar pies Kevin] Yes! Pam: Oh my god. I'm getting so stuffed. Jim: We did it. Pam: You did it. Andy: My name is Andy! Group: [bored] Yeah. Andy: I don't do drugs! Group: Yeah. Andy: Now check the style! Group: Yeah. Andy: Of Flatt & Scruggs! Group: Yeah. [Andy plays banjo] Pam: Role call. Phyllis: Role call. Oscar: Role call. Creed: What?

Dwight: This year I decided to really get into the spirit of Halloween. Erin: [screaming upon seeing pumpkin-headed Dwight] Dwight: [screaming then laughing] It may have been the costliest decision I've ever made. Dwight: My greased up head went into the pumpkin no problem, but ... Jim: It won't budge. Dwight: I can't get it out. Try again! Dwight: I mean, I could try destroying the pumpkin... Dwight: [as Jim approaches with a knife] Jim, no. No. No! No! Dwight: But as Jim and I discovered... No! ... any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me. Dwight: At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right? Erin: Hey guys. Pam: Hey. Erin: Pam, what are you? Pam: I am Dr. Cinderella. Jim: Cece's really into princesses now. So we decided to turn them into a positive female role models. Pam: I'm an oncologist and you are a dog. Erin: No, I'm a puppy. Dang it! I was worried that would happen. Jim: It's Okay. Erin: Uh, Jim, you're not dressed up at all. Jim: Sure I am. I am... one of the Men in Black guys. [to Pam, under his breath] Can I have your sunglasses? Erin: Jim, come on. I thought we were past this. Pam: So the sports marketing business that Jim told everyone about except for me? Jim: There's a big investment lunch today, so I decided to skip the costume. Pam: Unless he has a secret costume that he told everyone about except for me. Jim: Gettin' a lot of mileage out of this, aren't ya? Pam: Yeah, well, get used to it, bud. Andy: A jitterbug. [giggles] You guys look great! Just a reminder. The party is right after lunch, so make sure you get all your work done before that or throw it out. Any questions? Angela: The senator will be joining us later. Andy: Not a question. Angela: No, it wasn't. Andy: Excellent. That reminds me, has anyone seen Treble? Anyone? I could have sworn I saw some Treble somewhere. HCT: [singing] Andy: Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble! HCT: [sings Karma Chameleon] Andy: Aaah! [everyone clapping] So good! Dwight: What lab did these little clones escape from? Andy: My Cornell a capella group. Pam: You were in an a capella group? Darryl: You went to Cornell? Andy: Yah! ah. Okay. Ha ha ha ha. But you have no idea how lucky you are because HCT is doing a set at our halloween party. Stanley: Ugh. I don't want to sit through a whole concert of that. Clark: I do. I love the boss's interests. Andy: Atta boy Clark! Meredith: Where you boys stayin? How does it work in the rooms? Do you get a privacy partition? Andy: No. Nope. Nope nope nope. Stay away. Andy: You know what I just realized? They might actually call me up to solo on George Michael's Faith. That was one of my signature songs. Oh, man. That would be insane. I'm so not prepared. Jim: Are you sure you're okay with me putting in this much money. Pam: Yeah. I mean, listen if we're gonna do this thing, we should do it right. Jim: You're the best. Pam: I kind of am. It's crazy. Jim: Okay. I'll see you in a little bit. Pam: Okay. Dwight: Jim. Look I'm eating you. Jim: Shut up. Dwight: Ha ha. Hey Erin, look, these are Nerds. I'm eating Jims. Erin: [laughs] Dwight: [laughing] Must eat more Jims. Oink oink oink oink. Erin: [laughing hysterically] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Dwight: Oh no, I'm spilling Jim all over the carpet. [laughing] Erin: Stop it stop it stop it stop it! Dwight: [picking up spilled candy] Hello little pill. What do you do? Dwight: Dumatril is licensed to treat anxiety symptoms, such as panic attacks, excessive worrying, and fear. Translation: There's a madman in our midst. Pam: Okay I give up. What are you? Nellie: I'm sexy Toby. Pam: [laughing] Gross. I love it. Dwight: Dumatril! Nellie: Something wrong Dwight? Dwight: Dumatril. Nellie: Yes? Dwight: This is a pill that I found here in the office. But it's not for worms or eczema like any normal pill. It's not for any disorder of the body. [whispering] It's for a disorder of the mind. Nellie: The mind is part of the body. Dwight: Okay, this is a pill that combats insanity, okay? Whoever is taking it is not only insane... [whispering] They are now off their meds. Nellie: Dwight, our co-workers' health issues are really none of our business so- Dwight: Why are you trying so hard to bury this thing, huh? What's going on Nellie? Talk to me. Nellie: Hm? Nellie: It's my pill. I have an anxiety issue and I'm not ashamed of that, But I'm not loving the idea of Dwight having that information. I once saw him yell at Phyllis for sneezing wrong. Nellie: Yeah, you're right. This man needs to be apprehended. Dwight: I'll get my apprehension kit. Andy: Ruh duh duh da dudes! What's up? HCT: [mumbled responses] Andy: I know that it's pathetic to re-live your college years, but cut me some slack, Okay? Because I was a freaking rock star in college. When I joined Here Comes Treble, that's when I became somebody. When I got the nickname 'Boner Champ,' that is when I became me. Andy: You didn't come here to sit in a room, right? You came here for some intergenerational bro time. Well, now's your chance! I'm here. You got Qs; I got As. HCT Member #1: Did you say you've got AIDS? Andy: No, I don't have AIDS. That's not what I said. Next question. Andy: You don't have any- Any questions about the old days? [clears throat] You at least want to know why they call me Boner Champ? HCT Member #2: I thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ. Andy: I'm sorry, what? HCT Member #2: I just thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ. Andy: Broccoli Rob was Broccoli Rob. Andy Bernard is the Boner Champ. Pete: I didn't realize that everybody here dresses up every year. Creed: Me neither. Creed: It's Halloween. That is really, really good timing. Andy: I was just talking to some of the actives, and they think that you're Boner Champ. Broccoli Rob: [on computer monitor] I'm so sorry! I don't know how that could have happened. Andy: Did you maybe tell them that or...? Broccoli Rob: I just- I just started yappin' about the old days, and I guess the wine coolers were flowing, and, you know, somehow things just got hinky. Andy: Could you just call them and tell them the truth? 'Cause I know it's really stupid, but it's also really, really, really important. Broccoli Rob: Will do. I love you, Andy. Andy: Love you too. Businessman #1: So the workspace looks awesome. Jim: Wow. Businessman #2: And the graphic designer is going to be sending in some of the logo treatments. I can't wait to see them. Businessman #3: You guys rock. [round of fistbumps] Businessman #1: I killed it. Businessman #2: I've also been running the numbers and between our backers and our own investments, we're looking great for a full year on this. Jim: Oh, uh, is it too late to get in? Businessman #3: Oh Jim, I explained everything. So you're all set. Jim: Oh, I actually talked to my wife and we'd really like to uh you know, invest - get in on the ground floor. Businessman #2: Wow, well what level of investment were you thinking about? Jim: We were thinking somewhere between five - ten thousand? I can do the full ten thousand. We should just - [blows air] - all in. Businessman #3: Welcome aboard! Jim: All right. [laughs] Awesome. Cool. Dwight: Hi Daryl. I'm just here to smear some peanut butter on my forehead. Nellie: You know, to uh, to protect his brain from the nanobots that the government put in the air conditioning. Dwight: That makes sense to you, right? Or does it sound... crazy? Darryl: I can't really picture it. Can you... get it on there. Yeah. And maybe, get the cheeks. Dwight: So this makes sense then. Or is it crazy? Darryl: Get under your chin first. Yeah. Dwight: Is that where the nanobots like to come in? Darryl: Take it all the way up to your lip, yeah. Dwight: Is that how they like to get in? Darryl: Yeah, that's crazy. Dwight: [whispering] I don't know. I just don't know. Andy: Yo! Bad boys of a capella. HCT: [mumbling] Hey. Andy: Heard any good stories lately? Or new twists on old stories? HCT Member #3: Yeah, I got a call from Broccoli Rob. I guess you really are the Boner Champ. Andy: Did he tell you how I got the name? HCT Member #3: No. Andy: Spring sing '95. Got completely ripped on Bud Dries. I had sex with a snowman. I just went at that thing. Cold would have stopped most people but I stayed locked in, you know. Took the face off. It just seemed easier that way. Angela: And I told Phyllis not to put it out, but she insisted. So, anyway... Hi! Oh, Oscar, remember my husband, the senator? Oscar: Senator Lipton, nice to see you. Senator Lipton: Nice to see you Oscar. Angela: Wait a second, who designed this spread? The sweets and savories are all mixed together. This is mayhem! Senator Lipton: So Oscar, you're a dinosaur. Oscar: Actually I'm the electoral college. Senator Lipton: Ouch! Right on target. Angela: You know what? This is outrageous. I have to find Phyllis. You two talk, okay? Sorry babe.. Phyllis! Senator Lipton: God, it's just so good to see you. Oscar: I, uh, huh, just [chuckles nervously] Senator Lipton: All having this wonderful Halloween gathering. Excuse me, is that punch? Andy: They didn't know about the snowman story, and when I told 'em, they were not impressed. Erin: What is with these turkeys? Andy: Right? Erin: Hey! You better do 'Faith.' You get me? HCT Member #3: We don't know it. Erin: So learn it. You all go to Cornell, you're like eight Rain men. Just learning the friggin' song. HCT Member #3: Look, I know it was big with the old guys, but- Erin: Buts... are for pooping. Okay? Make it work. You have to or Andy will flip out... And make it a surprise, please. [to Pete] This isn't stupid. Pete: What? Toby: Hey. Dwight: Hey. Nellie: Hey Toby. Toby: Are... are you me? Nellie: Yes. Toby: Oh my goodness, look. Look at this. Nellie: Yeah. I... Toby: [unintelligible mumbling] Nellie: Yes. I thought I'd you know, be you. Toby: Look at.. Look at me. [laughs] Nellie: [laughing] It's funny right? [Toby starts to lean in for a kiss, then runs away] Dwight: All right. All right, just ...stay focused on the pill. Nellie: Okay, look Dwight, let's just call this thing off. I mean, it's just an anxiety pill. Lots of people have anxiety. Dwight: You think I don't have anxiety? I have anxiety all the time. Every waking moment of my life is sheer torture. I have land disputes I've got to settle and idiot cousins to protect. And ne'er- do- well siblings to take care of. But I don't need some stupid pill to get me through all this. Meredith: Cool. Free upper. Dwight: Ah ha! Ha!!! The jig is up, psychopath! Ah yeah! Gotcha! Meredith: Don't dog catch me! Dwight: Gotcha! Yeah! Let's see ya get out of this web, huh? Meredith: Let me out! Nellie: The pill is mine. Dwight: What? Nellie: Get her out. Dwight: Oh. Meredith: Stop baggin' my head! Nellie: Oh Dwight, look, its just a pill, all right? It's for anxiety. I take it every day. And it makes me feel better. And maybe it could help you too. Pam: Hey, how'd it go? Jim: Oh man, it was great. They were great. Pam: Did you end up investing? Jim: I did, yeah. Pam: How much? Jim: Uh, man, by the end I guess it was about... ten... Pam: About ten? Jim: Ten. It was the full ten. Pam: Wow. Jim: Yeah. Pam: Wow. Jim: Yeah. Yeah. It's a good thing we talked about it though, because we had to... Pam: No yeah. Yeah. Jim: Yeah. Pam: So did everybody ... Jim: What is it? Pam: Did everybody end up investing ten thousand? Jim: Um, oh man, I don't actually know. Pam: What? Jim: They weren't really talking that much about money. They just said, We're good with investing and then I...and I... Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble! HCT: [vocalizing] Pam: They said they were done with the investing and then you volunteered ten thousand dollars? Jim: No, no, I had to. Look, I needed to look like a team player, Pam. Pam: So you invested ten thousand dollars to look like a team player? Jim: You weren't there. HCT: [singing 'I'll Be'] Jim: It was very clear that ten thousand was what we had...we should talk about it later. HCT: [singing 'I'll Be' directly to Pam] Pam: Talk about it now. Jim: Pam. Pam: Jim, that was most of our savings. HCT: [still singing] Clark: Wait! Wait. Hold on. Where's the band? 'Cause there's just no way you guys are making this magic with just your mouths. Creed: Yeah. That's what she said. Clark: What, am I overdoing it? No. No. HCT: [singing] Pam: We said some. We said 'some.' Jim: We'll talk about it later. HCT: [singing] Pam: We said part not all. HCT: [singing 'Car Wash'] Clark: Yes! All right! Andy: Oh Man! [clapping] Clark: That's how you do that! Whoo! HCT: Thank you. Stanley: Show some pride. This is crap. Dwight: I agree. Yes, crap. Continue. HCT Member #3: Now folks, by special request, we're going to take it a little old school. There is a former Trebler in this room. Darryl: Who? HCT Member #3: It's Mr. Andy Bernard! All: [clapping] HCT: [singing 'Faith'] Andy: No. Do not sing that. Do not... Oh man... HCT Member #3: He reminded us today of how much he means to us. And we certainly seem to mean a lot to him, so without any further ado, here's an old Treble classic. HCT: [singing 'Faith'] Broccoli Rob: [on flat screen tv] [singing lead of Faith] Andy: Whoa! Whoa! What the hell is Broccoli Rob doing here? HCT Member #3: She said you wanted to hear 'Faith'. That's Broccoli Rob's signature song. Andy: That's my signature song. HCT Member #3: I really didn't know that man. I just thought you wanted to hear it. Andy: Russell, I'm dressed like George Michael. HCT Member #3: I thought you were Adam Lambert. Andy: Wha...? Erin: The more I hear about all this a capella drama, the more I think it's kind of pathetic. But when you're with someone, you put up with the stuff that makes you lose respect for them, and that is love. Erin: Are you okay? Broccoli Rob: [on screen] He's still mad. Andy: Shut up, Broccoli. Broccoli Rob: Champ, I feel awful about this whole thing. Russell called me up. And they said they needed 20 cc's of George Michael stat. So just... Wham! I sprang into action. You know me. I assumed you wanted to hear me do your signature number. Andy: You thought I wanted to sit in the audience like some slutty Treb rat? A man's signature solo is his for life, okay? That's group policy and you know it. Broccoli Rob: Look, it's not my fault that I still live near campus, and it's my duty as an alum to be friendly to the young guys., and stop in two, three times a week. Andy: Just don't do the song anymore. Broccoli Rob: I tell you what, we'll have a sing-off for it. You pick twelve alums from any year to back you up and I'll do the same, and I'm so confident that I'll win, I won't even warm up. Andy: Fine, go ahead. Thrash your pipes. Broccoli Rob: My pipes are primo, Champ. Why don't you ask Trey Anastasio about my pipes? Andy: I knew you would go there, you son of a bitch! Broccoli Rob: He said, and I quote, 'Hey Rob, nice pipes'. That happened! Andy: OK, fine, yeah. that's one guy's opinion! Broccoli Rob: That's real. 'That'll never change! Erin: Okay! Andy: Doesn't mean you're the best singer ever. Dick. Jim: I thought that concert was pretty great. Kevin: Oh yeah. I decided that acapelca music is awesome. Angela: They lost me when they sang 'Monster Mash'. That song obviously glorifies the occult. Jim: Angela, it's Halloween. You have to sing 'Monster Mash'. Pam: Oh you have to Jim? You literally have to? Jim: Uh... Pam: No I'm just, I'm saying, what would happen if they didn't sing it? Would they go to jail? Would they be shot? Jim: Okay. We'll, just forget it. Pam: No! No, I'm interested. I mean I think everybody's interested in why they have to sing it. Jim: Because it is Halloween. So if you're going to sing a concert, it's a good idea to throw that one in. Pam: Yeah, yeah, no, no. It's a good idea to brush your teeth. But you have to um, feed your children. Send them to school. You know, all things you can't do if you just keep singing 'Monster Mash.' Kevin: It turns out, that Pam? Really, really hates 'Monster Mash.' I mean like, never bring that song up in front of her. Even though Jim was making great points, like, in favor of the song, Pam was like, No! Hate it! Stupid! Andy: This is all so silly right? What am I gonna do? Move back to Cornell? Erin: [laughing] Yeah. Andy: I mean, what if we did that? Like we got jobs and we were happy all the time? Erin: Oh well, Andy, we're not moving to Cornell. Andy: Duh. I know. That would be insane. Erin: Yeah. Andy: It could totally work though. I don't know why we wouldn't. Oh my god are we doing this? Erin: Oy. Andy, what's going on? Andy: If I am not Boner Champ, I don't know who I am. Erin: Well, um, you know maybe you're the wise old guy that the new uh, B-O-N-E-R champ looks up to. You know, you could just- Andy: Make a donation. Erin: Well, I was gonna say, be a mentor. Andy: Yes. I am gonna make a donation. And it just so happens that I know someone who works at the Bernard Family Foundation. Her name is mom. Erin: Oh. Dwight: [whispering] I want some of those pills. Nellie: Oh, well good for you. I mean, you'll need a prescription. Dwight: Oh, no. No, no, no. no. They're not for me. They're for my cousin Mose. He's just having a tough time, being wifeless, and a high pressure job and his crazy cousin Mose. Other cousin Mose. Nellie: Mm. Got it. Well, you tell Mose that he's a good man and that I hope he feels better. Dwight: Which one? Mose or the real Mose? Nellie: The real Mose. Dwight: He says Thank you. Andy: [on phone] Mom, I had this really charitable idea to set up this scholarship for a capella kids at Cornell and just need to wire some money over there. [pause] What? Erin: What's wrong? Andy: My parents are broke.

Oscar: [to camera crew] Can you guys come with me for a minute? Oscar: I know you saw me with the Senator. I think I'm in love, possibly for the first time. So yes, Senator Lipton and I are having an affair. I hope that I can count on your sensitivity, maturity and discretion. [turns to see Kevin has overheard him]...Why? Andy: Alright, good. Yeah. Just sell it and get the best price you can, okay? White: Or we can hope for a holiday rally? Andy: White, I'm not a day trader, I'm just a first responder in a disaster. Pam: Andy's family had a total meltdown. His dad blew through all their money and took off to Argentina with a younger woman. Jim: And his brother, Walt Jr., locked himself in the wine cellar. Pam: The weirdest part is Andy. The aftermath got dumped on him and the way he's been handling it is just..so.. Jim: Competent. Pam: Right? Andy: Are the 'Nard's hurting? Yeah, you bet. Got kicked pretty hard. Family shattered, super sad. But, I'm kinda crushing it in the damage control department. So, that's cool. I wish my dad could see me now. Of course he caused this whole mess, so, [bleep] him. Oscar: Kevin, listen to me. I'm in love with the Senator. And I need time to sort this out in a responsible matter so I need your help in keeping it a secret because this means the world to me. Ok? Kevin: That's beautiful. No, I totally get that. Oscar: Can you do this, Kevin? Kevin: I really want to. Whatever happens, always remember that. Oscar: I don't know what that means. Hey, hey- Pam: [On phone] Oh, great! Yeah, um, I'll get right back to you. [hangs up] Hey guys! Anyone ever heard of Iris Black on the radio? Creed: Yeah, she hosts the Dr. Laura Show. Pam: Nope, that's Dr. Laura. Well, her show Biz Whiz wants someone from Dunder Mifflin to come on the air today. Does anybody feel particularly passionate about local business issues? [Dwight raises hand] Dwight: I do! I do. I do. I do. I do. Dwight: The media can make you famous. And do you have any idea how easy it is to sell something when you're famous? [Pretends to be on phone] 'Uh, yeah wow. 10 reams of 40 pound bond at only $690 after discount? Um, whatever you say, Brad Pitt.' It's that easy. Meredith: Hey, so that good looking single brother of yours? Heard he's on a downward spiral with booze. Andy: Yeah. He's in rehab actually. Meredith: Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour. Andy: No, it's in New Mexico. Meredith: Oh...So..- how are you holding up? Andy: We're done Meredith. Dwight: [wagging tongue for voice exercises] blah blah blah, rat tat tat tittle tattled and prattled on about the little metal bottle, she spat a bit of spittle...[Group protests] Jim: Dwight! Dwight: ...In a bitter battle..Hey, hey! Stop questioning my methods, OK? I was chosen for this task for a very good reason. Jim: No, you chose yourself. Dwight: [walking away] Tricky siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit... Andy: Alright, guys. A lot of assets here that my dad couldn't steal. Now, first of all, there is the family boat. 43 foot Tartan Sloop. My lawyer has lined up a buyer in the Bahamas, the sale would cover the cost of a condo and living expenses for my mom. Darryl: Sounds great. Oscar: Perfect. Andy: Totally, except it is a no go. This boat was the heart and soul of the family. So...what else we got? Non-boat ideas. [Oscar looks outside conference room at Kevin and Angela at the copier] Kevin: What happened? Angela: Jammed. This day couldn't get worse. [Kevin laughs] Kevin: Yeah, I think this day could get worse. Angela: What does that mean? Oscar: Kevin! Kevin: [to Angela] I don't know what you're talking about. [Thumbs up Oscar] Erin: She could get like sixty packages of Ramen noodles for five bucks. She could eat for a month. Andy: Alright, what's the grand total? Did we make our nut? Darryl: If we sell everything but the boat, your mom should be set for about six months. Andy: Guys, you don't understand, this boat's been in our family since before I was born. Erin: Don't you guys have that place where you used to spend your summers and have all those memories? Darryl: I worked at a Jiffy Lube. Erin: See? I bet you wouldn't sell that Jiffy Lube for all the money in the world. Would you Darryl? Darryl: I would if I owned it and I went broke. Andy: Alright, uh...alright. I'm gonna tell the lawyer to pull the trigger on the boat. Andy: Yes the boat means everything to my family, but we need the money. Got the memories, don't need the boat. Can't cry about it. What are you gonna do? Cry about it? [chokes up] Excuse me. Pam: [On phone] Oh, OK. No problem. Thanks. Hey guys, WPTU called. The interview's off. They're opening a new cupcake store at the Steamtown Mall and Iris wants to cover that, so... Nellie: Well why don't I go and tell Dwight so he can stop being such a complete nipple. Pam: He's gonna be disappointed. Jim: Yes. He is. And you know what? We cannot let that happen. Pete: Fax? Erin: Oh yeah, just. Watermelon teeth. This isn't how I would cheer up just anyone. But, it's a girlfriend's job to know her man and I know Andy. [laughs] He's seriously juvenile. Pete: Cool. He's like 40 though, right? Erin: Oh no, he couldn't be more than late thirty's. Tops. Pete: Awesome. Have fun. Dwight: Vroom! Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin. Good. Sounds- [phone rings in break room, Dwight picks up] This is Dwight Shrute. Pam: [on other end in conference room] Please hold for Ms. Black. Nellie: [Darryl plays radio show music on keyboard] And welcome back to Biz Whiz. I'm Iris Black. On the line we have Dunder Mifflin's senior sales associate Dwight Shrute. Dwight: Iris, thank you so much for having me. Erin: [muffled by watermelon teeth] Hey! My teeth are all this stuff in my mouth. [laughs] Andy: Uh, did you need something? Erin: Oh, I just need your signature on this. Andy: Ok. [signs paper] thanks. Angela: Kevin, we're out of 11-38 forms. Did you order more? Kevin: I... did not. Angela: I don't know why I'm surprised. Literally nothing you do could surprise me anymore. Kevin: [laughing in Oscar's direction] Oh really, Angela? That's interesting. Cause I do think that I could surprise you. I think that I could surprise you..oh! [Oscar makes sound trying to get him to shut up] I have to go to the bathroom! Angela: That doesn't surprise me. Oscar: That actually wasn't the worst cover. I'd say at least once a week, Kevin runs out of the room shouting that he has to go to the bathroom. Jim: [In staff meeting] See these forms... Kevin: I have to go to the bathroom! [runs out] Kevin: [running from elevator] I have to go to the bathroom! Kevin: [Drives away waving, then screeches to a stop and runs from car] Erin: Ok, who wants to go for a super fun lunch with a super fun girlfriend? Andy: Look, it's not that I don't want- Erin: Ok, come on. I got someone to cover the phones, I heard on the radio about a new cupcake place we could go for dessert...perfect. Andy: All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing. But dad wouldn't let me. Said 'You can't be a skipper until you're a man.' You know, I'd reach for the wheel and he'd smack my hand away. Well guess what? Now I'm the man of the family and... we're selling the damn thing. So I'm never gonna have the chance. Erin: Well, when does the boat leave, exactly? Andy: Tonight. Erin: Then screw lunch. Let's go for a sunset sail. Andy: Yeah right. It's in Stamford, Connecticut. We have to leave like right now. Erin: Ok, well then let's leave like right now. Andy: Yeah, ok. Erin: Yeah! OK! Let's go. Andy: Seriously? Erin: Of course, seriously. Get your coat on. Andy: Alright. Erin: Alright. Andy: Let's do it. Erin: Let's do it! Dwight: [On speakerphone] Iris, let me tell you. David Wallace is the CEO, but he's not hands on. Nellie: [As Iris] So the day-to-day operations are entirely under your command? Dwight: Entirely is the perfect way to describe it, Iris. Nellie: Uh, excuse me. [reading card held up by Jim] I'm being told by my sound engineer, Steve that uh there is a clinking sound coming from your end. Does your shirt have buttons? Dwight: Yes..? Nellie: [Jim mimes taking shirt off] I'm so sorry we're going to have to ask you to remove the shirt all together. Dwight: [Takes shirt off] Now then, we were saying. When my workers-gather- Nellie: Oh, I'm so sorry. I am told we are still having problems Mr. Shrute. [Jim holds up card that says 'Now Pants'] Your voice, it's sounding a little feminine. Dwight: That's impossible. Nellie: Are you by any chance wearing pants with a metallic zipper? Angela: The Senator is exhausted. This campaign is wearing him out. Oscar: That's a tough one. Angela: That man he's up against is so dirty. And the senator's just pushing back as hard as he can. Kevin: Please, stop. Angela: What? Kevin: Please, stop. Angela: Anyways, last night he was tired and just wanted a little Mexican brought in. [Kevin laughs] Kevin: [Getting up to leave] I can't, it's too much! [laughing] Oscar: I'm in big trouble. Kevin: Yeah, Oscar's in big trouble. Dwight: [pantless] OK, how is my voice now? Nellie: I'm getting the all clear from Steve, so Mr. Shrute, what is your response to the consumer product safety commission that says Dunder Mifflin paper is toxic? Dwight: [holding hand over phone] This is gotcha journalism. You know what? They're not gonna gotch me. Oscar: [looking at folder he brought Toby]It's clearly not an accounting mistake. Toby: Yeah. Oscar: So... Toby: Kevin. His gambling problem must've resurfaced. I'm gonna have to send him home until I can do an investigation. Oscar: Well, you've gotta do what you've gotta do. Dwight: This is slander, Ms. Black. Slander I say! [Pam tells Jim to leave the conference room] I dare you to produce one credible source about this. Nellie: Well, as it happens we have with us the foreman of your upstate New York paper mill, Sandra Mc...Sandra Mick [points to Pam] Pam: [changing voice] Good afternoon Iris, it's a pleasure. Nellie: Let's get straight to the point. Is your paper toxic? Pam: No the paper's not toxic. Dwight: Thank you Sandra! Pam: Unless it's exposed to oxygen. Then it becomes extremely toxic! Dwight: Do not listen to her! This employee is obviously disgruntled! [Jim runs panicked into break room] Jim: What the heck is going on?! The stock prices are plummeting! Are you gonna take control of the message or do I have to send in someone who understands the media?! Dwight: Get out of here moron! [Jim leaves] Nellie: Excuse me, Mr. Dwight, who are you talking to? Dwight: uhhhh...no one. Nellie: Did you just call Ms. Mick a moron? Dwight: No, everything's fine. Nellie: Are you insulting my guests? Dwight: [chokes up] Kevin: [on phone] Yeah, I will be right there. Hey Oscar, what if I'm getting a promotion? Oscar: I hope that's it, Kevin. Kevin: Me too. Cause then, I would get my own office. And I wouldn't screw up your secret with Angela. I've been really worried about that. Toby: Hi, Kevin. Look, I need to talk to you about- Kevin: Hi. Oscar: Guys? Excuse me. Um, a quick word, please just.. Kevin: Oscar, we're in the middle of talking. Oscar: Oh, you're right I'm so sorry. Snack machine on me. [gives Kevin money] Kevin: Oh that is nice. Classy move. [leaves] Dwight: [yelling in break room] That's what I'm saying! No of course not! Kevin: What are you doing? Oscar: Those figures I gave you? They're false. Toby: How? Oscar: I was mad at Kevin, we had a fight and I acted vindictively. Toby: So you set him up. Oscar: Yes, he's innocent. Toby: I knew it. I knew it from the beginning it was possible. Oscar: What are you talking about? I just did this now. Toby: A few years ago, when I was on the jury of the Scranton Strangler.. Oscar: Sure. Toby: I always thought he might have been set up but I felt pressured to convict. Oscar: That's gotta be tough. Toby: Tough? I put an innocent man on death row. Nellie: The fallout from this morning's revelation continues to mount, since Mr. Dwight Shrute began speaking, Dunder Mifflin share prices fell 73%. Mr. Shrute, shareholders demand accountability from corporate leadership. Can we announce your resignation at this time? Dwight: My resignation? What are you talking about? No! I was just following orders! Listen, the person responsible for this catastrophe is the CEO and chairman, David Wallace! Erin: That's yours? Andy: That's the family boat! Erin: Oh my gosh, Andy! This is enormous! Andy: Right? Erin: I thought it was gonna be tiny. Oh my gosh it's beautiful. So this is how your family came to America. Boat Guy: Move. Andy: Sorry? Boat Guy: Trying to rig a boat here. I don't know how to do that when you're standing in the way. Andy: Sure, I um..I didn't know. Boat Guy: I'm not a ghost, so I can't walk through people. Andy: Ok. Erin: Gee, he was salty. Andy: Geez, a little bit. [to boat] How you doing old buddy? Missed you. Erin: What does that one do? Andy: It raises the main sail. That was my job when we went sailing. Erin: I wish I had seen you do it. Andy: Really? Erin: Yeah. Andy: [Begins raising sail] Up she goes! Boat Guy: Don't do that. Don't do that. Andy: Oh, it's OK. My girlfriend and I were actually gonna take her for a little spin and a picnic before you guys head out tonight. You know what? Get some dinner on me. Boat Guy: Nope. Can't do that. Andy: You got it. You know what then, we'll just take it for a quick little spin around the harbor. [begins raising sail, boat guy slaps his hand] Boat Guy: We've already started boarding. And no one is insured to rig her up right now except us. Andy: You know what? Chill, ok? I own the boat. Not gonna sue myself. Alright, so just- [Raises sail, guys slaps hand again] wow. Boat Guy: I can smack you all day if you keep touching what you're not supposed to touch. Andy: Ok, fine. Boat Guy: OK. Andy: Yeah, fine. Boat Guy: Good stuff. Andy: Good stuff. Nice stuff. [begins raising sail again when guy leaves, but he comes back and smacks Andy's hand again] [bleep] Damn it! Screw you dad! ..ah. Erin: Well, we're doing it. We're finally having a picnic on the boat. Andy: I've had a thousand picnics on this boat. The point was for me to sail it. Erin: Andy, you never had to sail the boat to be a man. Andy: Fine. But I could have. Erin: As long as we're on this boat, as far as I'm concerned, you're the captain. Andy: I am the captain. Erin: Yeah. Andy: Right? Erin: Yeah. Andy: I'm the captain. [to boat guy] Hey, charm school. Boat Guy: What? Andy: I'm taking it over from here. Erin: Nice! Boat Guy: I hate to uh, ruin this moment...or breakdown, but you already signed the papers. So, if you want your boat back, you can pick it up there in the Bahamas in 10 days. Andy: Yeah, I know cause I'm sailing it there. Boat Guy: OK, no. I already said, you're not getting back your deposit. Andy: Fine. Good. Keep it. Just leave the supplies, I paid for those. But how much for that cool fisherman sweater? Nellie: For those just joining us, terror in Greenwich. Where police have surrounded the house of Dunder Mifflin CEO David Wallace. Wallace is said to be despondent over the company's stock plummet and is taking a mailman hostage. On the line, we have chief of Greenwich Police, Mr. Bill Jackson [points to Jim]. Jim: [using black voice] Good afternoon! [Darryl smacks his arm] Dwight: Please sir! Spare him. Please. Jim: Uh, this Wallace guy is lookin' at hard time. And we only know this because of what Dwight Snoot said on record! Dwight: Ok, everyone. Everyone, hold on! I've got a solution. I know Wallace's phone number, everyone hold, I'll conference him in. Nellie: Oh, Mr. Shrute, there's really no need to, um involve Mr... Wallace. Erin: Do you even know what you're doing? Andy: Yeah. Yeah I know how to hoist the mail sail, I know to...I, I, these buttons control boat pumps and stuff. I also know where the booze stash is. So, hello. [Opens door, Andy's brother is passed out inside] Walt? Walt Jr.: Oh god, thank goodness you're here. I was having a little trouble with this door. Yesterday. I um, I think it was yesterday. Andy: I thought you were in rehab. Walt Jr.: Yeah, uh, I just, I figured I'd get that first relapse out of the way. God, what's happened to our family? Everything is so messed up! How did you even know I was in here? Andy: I didn't. I, I just came to say goodbye to the boat. But I've decided to sail it to Bermuda. Erin: Bahamas, Andy. Andy: Same thing. [To Walt] Come on. I need a crew. You should be my crew. Three weeks, open ocean, no booze. You need this. I need it, we need this. Serious bro time, come on. David Wallace: [On phone] Hello? Dwight: David, is that you? David Wallace: Dwight? Dwight: Oh, thank god. Oh, thank god. Are you ok? Is everyone ok? David Wallace: Yeah? Are you ok? Dwight: Oh, I'm OK. I just want you to know that I believe in you. I really do. And I believe in your ability to make the right choices. I always have, David. David Wallace: Well, thanks Dwight. Dwight: You're welcome, sir. But David, listen to me carefully. I'm gonna need you to let the mailman go. Ok? David Wallace: Dwight? Dwight: Walk out of the house... David Wallace: What? Dwight: ...with your hands on top of your head, everything is going to be fine. Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands while you're away in prison. David Wallace: Ok, Dwight, gonna ask you to not call my cell anymore. Gotta go. Dwight: [enters main office, group claps] Wait a minute, you guys? You heard? All: Shrute! Shrute! Shrute!Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Dwight: [joins in] Shrute! Shrute! Dwight: Overall, I'd say my first radio interview went pretty much the way I expected. Kevin: Well Oscar, I did not get the promotion. He just wanted to update my personal information. Oscar: Well, I am sorry Kevin. Angela: Why on earth would you think you were getting a promotion? Kevin: You know what Angela? I- Oh my god. [Senator enters] Angela: Honey! What are you doing here? Senator Liptop: I just had a little intuition that someone I loved needed a little bit of attention today. Oscar, you're looking very healthy. Getting lots of vigorous exercise? [touches Oscar's shoulder. Oscar jumps away quickly] Oscar: No. Angela: Oscar? What is going on? What was that? Senator Liptop: What was that? I'm sorry, I didn't mean any offense. I was just trying to be friendly. Oscar: You know what? I'm sorry. I overreacted. Because I'm stressed out. Why am I stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who- Kevin: Come on Oscar, we're not just gonna sit here and ignore the obvious. Senator Lipton has a big election next week. We all need to give him our support. [claps, group joins] Senator Liptop: Well, thanks everybody. Kevin: It is really cool! U-S-A! U-S-A! Oscar: U..s..a. U- Oscar: I have to say I'm impressed with Kevin. Uh, he showed a lot of self-control. Kevin: I totally forgot about the affair for a minute. [laughs] Oscar is having sex with the senator and Angela doesn't even know. [laughing still] Her life is a complete sham! Andy: Alright guys, cast us off. Walt, all aboard! Erin, this is because of you. Do you realize that? You're the best ever! Erin: [Standing on dock] Oh, you know. Just being a good girlfriend. Andy: [pulling away from dock] Good? Come on. Above and beyond. World's Greatest. You did this! Dammit I'm happy! Erin: Yes, I am very pleased I did help Andy. Would I have gone with him if he'd asked me? On his sailboat cruise to the Caribbean? Yes. I think it would have been really fun and romantic. Andy: [waving from boat] I'll see you in three weeks! Erin: OK! Walt Jr.: Hey bro! It was here all along. [holding guitar] Andy: No way! Walt Jr.: Way! Andy: Erin I gotta go![Walt begins playing] Them's my chords! Pete: Hey. She's back. Erin: Thanks for covering the phones. Pete: Yeah, no problem. How was it? Erin: Fine. Pete: Hey, some buddies of mine are going to Poor Richard's for beers and pool, you wanna come? I can't promise you too much, but uh, you might get to meet my friend flipper. Erin: Does he have a flipper? Pete: Oh. Nope. It's not that, he uh, uh he flipped a table one time when he was drunk. Erin: He sounds like an idiot. Pete: Yeah, he is. Erin: Ok. Pete: Ok. Erin: Thanks. Pete: Yeah.

Andy: [on computer screen] Ah, what else? I've seen Dirty Dancing like, ten times. Breaks my heart every time, you know? Everyone: Whoa! Pam: Andy. Andy: That Swayze sure can dance dirty. Phyllis: Don't you have any sunblock? Andy: No, Walter J has been hoarding it. You want to worry about a part of my body, worry about my eyes. They're like two flaming meatballs in my skull. Erin: Last week Andy set sail for the Bahamas to sell his family's boat, and he took his brother, but not me. I was kind of sad at first, but then I remembered that Bob Marley song - No, woman. No cry. Andy: [on computer] Check this out. Keeps my hair out of my stare, also helps me combat the glare bear. That's what I call the sun now. Darryl: Andy, it's Darryl. Take your drawers off your head. Andy: What else can I show you? Oh, damn it! Erin: Oh, Andy, was.. was that your drinking water? Andy: Yeah, it was. That's okay though. I got this cool desalinator device. It sucks up sea water through this hose and pumps out fresh water. See, check it out. Ow! Everyone: Oh! Andy: Ah! That's not good. I better sign off. I hate to get going. I mean these skype sessions are, like, the only thing that keep me sane out here, you know? [laughs crazily] Darryl: He's been sailing for two days. Andy: [on computer] I will leave you with this. The image of a man and his boat. Burn this into your brains. Erin: [laughing] Yeah. Andy: No. No! Nooo! [computer falls into ocean] Erin: Andy? Andy! Andy! Andy. Oh. Dwight: [answering phone] Dwight Schrute. [turns on speakerphone] Well, hi there David Wallace. Why would you ever call me when the manager is out of town? David: [on speakerphone] Well, I have some very exciting news. Dwight: And you didn't call Jim - that seems significant. Jim: Hi, David. David: Jim, good! You should hear this too. Dwight: No, he shouldn't. Jim: [taking away Dwight's handset] Go ahead David, I'm listening. Dwight: Okay, David, I want to take you off speaker but... I don't know where I'd put you. David: Guys, listen, this is big news. The Scranton White Pages just got in contact with my office the day before yesterday. They've apparently just dropped the supplier they've been with for the last ten years. . Dwight: The White Pages. Dwight: The White Pages: Do you want it? No. Do you use it? No. Does it inexplicably show up on your doorstep three times a year? Yes, yes, and yes. There's a reason that we in the paper industry call this thing 'the White Whale'. Look at all that sweet blubber. David: Look, we need our top salesman running point on this and Dwight, that is you. Dwight: I'm gonna need to put you on hold for a second. [presses hold button] Hah! Yah! Woooo! Eat it Jim! Eat it Phyllis! Eat... where's Stanley? Erin: He's in the bathroom. Dwight: Will you run into the bathroom and tell him to eat it? Erin: Of course. Dwight: Yeah! Okay. [presses button again] Hey David, I'm back. Erin: [from the kitchen] Eat it Stanley! Dwight: So uh, last I remember Tom Peterman was in charge of that account? David: No, I spoke with the receptionist over there. It's someone new but she didn't catch her name. Dwight: Her name? Phyllis: No, hey, Dwight shouldn't... Dwight: Shhh! [clears throat] Thanks David! Thank you so much for calling me! David: Good luck! Dwight: Good luck to you. [disconnects call] Phyllis: Dwight, you can't go. You have a problem with women. You can't sell to them. Dwight: That is a damnable lie. I love women. Phyllis: Gina Rogers at Apex Technology said you called her 'gy-na' for your entire meeting. Nellie: Ew. That's not good. Phyllis: Yeah, she said she corrected him five times. Dwight: 'Gy-na' said that? Phyllis: Guys, we can't let Dwight blow this. An account this size could double our growth. That means raises, bonuses... Pizza Friday could come back. Meredith: Hey remember that week in the 90's when we got bagels? Creed: I miss Clinton. Pam: Can you go instead? Jim: I can't. I have the thing. Jim: I have this conference call today with this company in Philly that I'm helping start. Ah, first board meeting. Also, the first time I've ever been excited about work. So, that feels... wrong. Pete: Okay, call down. It's just me, not Tom Selleck. Guys in breakroom: [laughter] Kevin: Nice! Pete: Toby got us all to participate in Movember. It's a charity for prostate cancer. You pledge money and then you grow a mustache for the month of November. Clark: So, this is how we look now. I hope you like being turned on all the time. Darryl: Daaaaamn! It just keeps on coming, huh? Toby: I have very fertile hair glands. Toby: I am so glad I got all of the dudes to do Movember. We have the dopest time back in the annex. Clark: God! Toby: We even go to lunch, pick up babes. Toby: [to passing female pedestrian] Smile if you love men's prostates. Angela: Hi. Oscar: Hi. Angela: Spring cleaning? Oscar: More like fall cleaning. [chuckles] Angela: [whispering] I think the senator is having an affair. Oscar: [dropping desk drawer] This doesn't... I'm sorry. Wha... what? Angela: I think the senator is having an affair. Oscar: I literally have nightmares in which what just happened happens. I wake up in a sweat. And then I make Angela's husband spoon me back to bed. Angela: When he comes home in the morning, he has this secret little smile. Oscar: Oh, I'm sure ...that's nothing. Angela: And he's always at the yoga studio. He never misses the noon class - it's Hot Yoga with Blake. Oscar: Angela, Blake's also a guy's name so he... may be spending his afternoons with a guy named Blake. So nothing to worry about. Huh. Blake. Who is Blake? Angela: I don't know. Oscar: I just never heard about the senator and yoga... Angela: Right. Oscar: From you. I'm sure it's probably nothing. But what's with the yoga already? Angela: Right? Oscar: And Blake! All right Angela, calm down! We need to go check this out. Angela: What? Oscar: Angela, I'll go with you. Phyllis: So, uh, show us how you'd normally sell to a female client. Dwight: Okay. With pleasure. Get ready to learn a few new tricks, old dog. Pam: You've got this Schrute. Phyllis: Okay, you just walked into her office and begin. Dwight: Hello. Erin: Hello. Dwight: May I please speak to your boss? Phyllis: No, she is the boss. Erin: I am? Hmm.. [deep voice] Hi, I'm Mr. Hannon. How can I help you? Dwight: Okay, this isn't working for me, 'cause no one would ever believe that she would be a boss. Erin: He's absolutely right. I'm really struggling. Pam: Oh, I'll be the buyer. Dwight: [sighing] Pam: Hello, Mr. Schrute, nice to see you. Please have a seat. Dwight: I never sit down during sales meetings. I want to appear aggressive and imposing. I am going to sell to you in twelve minutes Phyllis: No actually, she likes to take her time discussing her needs. Dwight: I will tell her what her needs are and then fill them. So this is going to work out best for you if you just relax and do nothing. And once I'm finished, it's over. Pam: Okay, let's stop here. Anyone have any thoughts? Dwight: I thought it went great. Nellie: I have uh, written down a few questions. One, have you ever killed a woman? Two, how many women have you killed? Please, sir, will you not kill me? Business partner: [on phone] Okay lets get started. Jim: Yeah, I'm here. Are we all on? Business partner: Uh,, well you're the only one 'on' - we're all here. Jim: [nervous laughter] Right. Okay, uh, over the next three months... Kevin: That's the winter season., three months. Jim: I uh, I have some ideas, actually... Business partner: Are you at your office right now? Jim: [hushed voice] Uh yeah. Trust me, I'd rather be with you guys. Business partner: [laughing] Uh, yeah, that sounded kinda spooky-sexy, over here Halpert. Jim: Oh, [clearing throat, deeper voice] Sorry, I uh... was just saying that we should uh... Business partner: Whoa. [laughing] I think there's been a bit of a mistake. We're trying to reach Jim Halpert, not Batman. Jim: [laughing] Um, you know what? I.. should have just had... I should have just had you call me on my cell. Business partner: Uh, yeah... Jim: I'm gonna try a different spot. Okay? Business partner: Okay, yeah. Jim: Okay, I'll call you right back. Kevin: What's happening in three months? Pam: Okay, when you're selling to women, it is crucial that you listen, Dwight. Also you want to respect their... Are you listening now? Dwight: Yes. Pam: Okay, well you have to show us. Dwight: That's impossible. Listening happens in the ear and in the brain. I mean, some organisms have external hairs that vibrate to indicate auditory stimulation but unfortunately, our external hairs don't vibrate at all. Pam: Huh. [nodding] Uh huh. Dwight: What are you doing? Pam: A little smile and a nod shows that I hear you. Got it? Dwight: Kind of. Pam: Nellie, why don't you tell Dwight what we were doing earlier today. And Dwight, you show us that you're listening. Nellie: Well, we were in the warehouse, where we were discussing a mural that I've commissioned Pam to paint there. We were talking color schemes and the major themes we want to hit. Children of the world, coming together, cutting down trees to make paper. But not in a child labor-y way. Erin: It's just up and down, just a regular nod, like a person. Dwight: I am a person. Erin: Yes. Nellie: And then we thought we'd ' I can't. I just can't carry on with that face. Look at it. I'm gonna get nightmares with that face. I mean he looks like he's laboring over a stool having just eaten human flesh. Dwight: That's a bit extreme. Nellie: No, I'm sorry but that is true. Meredith: He's screwed. They're meeting in less than an hour. Phyllis: Oh, all right. God, Dwight, just ignore every instinct you have. It's all garbage okay? You're the woman, I'm the salesman, watch what I do and try to learn. Dwight: Okay, I'm a woman. [high voice] I'm a woman. Good? Phyllis: Ms. Thomas, so good to see you. Dwight: Hello. Phyllis: Oh, are those your kids? They're so cute! They could be models. Dwight: Thank you. I'm so proud of them. I carried each one of them for nine months inside of my torso and then pushed them out of my vagina. Meredith: Booo! Weird. Nellie: No. Phyllis: Okay, yeah. This is a lost cause. It's hopeless. Pam: Ten years ago, I didn't care if Dwight got married or died a beet-farming bachelor. But having kids makes you so soft. I used to watch Pulp Fiction and laugh, and now I'm like, that poor gimp is somebody's child. Pam: You know, I think there could be a lot of benefits if you could learn to get along with women. Dwight: Look, I have no problem with women. It's businesswomen and their, their power suits and their shoulder pads. Don't lie about your shoulders! Pam: Dwight, listen to me. Businesswomen are just normal, nice, reasonable people. Who is a nice, reasonable person in your experience? Dwight: I had a barber once who used to comb my hair gently. Pam: Okay, so, when you're selling to this woman, just imagine that she's that nice, reasonable barber. Dwight: Okay, I can do that. Pam: Mm-hmm. Good. Baby steps. Dwight: He used to fight dogs. Pam: Like, he used to make dogs fight? Or he actually fought dogs? Dwight: Little of this, little of that. Angela: Which one is the instructor? There all fatties. Oscar: Angela! [whispering] Angela. There. Angela: Where? Oscar: [whispering] On the stairs. Stay calm. Stay down. Oh, so wait. Blake is a her. Angela: Oh my God! She's so stunningly tiny! She's like a petite double zero, for sure. For sure! Holy cow! Look at what they're doing. Oscar: She's repositioning his hips for downward facing dog. Angela: [gasps] I've heard of this - dog style. Oh wait. Oh look Oscar, Thumbelina has a boyfriend! And he has a ponytail - ew. I'd like to see that run for office. Oscar, you were right. I had nothing to be worried about. Thank you. Let's go. Oscar: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Angela: Ow. Oscar: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shut up, hold on. Shh. Hold on. Sorry. Look. Pete: [sound effect of throwing ball] Toby: This is fun. You know? I mean, this is fun. Jim: What I was saying is the genius of Air Jordan was not in the market saturation, it was in - Business partner: [on phone] It was in what? Jim, we're having a lot of trouble hearing you. Jim: The... the... the... what I was saying is the real genius was...[car alarm blaring] was in the... Hank: Hey! Are those skateboarders back? Business partner: [on phone] Jim? Jim, are you there? Hank: Where are they? Jim: It was, uh in the authentic design, right? So I mean, you really felt like Michael Jordan was wearing these shoes, so ... Meredith: Who was messing with my van? Jim: Nobody! Business partner: [on phone] Jordan wore them for nobody? We're not following you, Halpert. Jim: No, no, no. Hank: This ends now! Secretary: Have a seat. Um, she will be right in. Pam: Oh, great. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you mind telling me her name? I realized we don't have it. Secretary: Uh... um she'll be right in. Pam: Okay, great. Dwight: [to himself] Just a little off the top and then a nice combing. Yeah, just comb it. Pam: Oh my God. It's Jan. Dwight: Oh, dear God in heaven. Pam: Jan used to be one of my superiors, and she is one of the most erratic and terrifying people I have ever met. Jan: You son of a bitch. You're firing me? Where the hell do you get off? Pam: Jim and I are pretty sure she had an affair with her ex-assistant Hunter. He was 17. But she looks great. If she asks, will you tell her I said that? Pam: Forget everything we taught you. Hey, Jan! It's so great to see you. Jan: Where's Wallace? Pam: What? Jan: I was under the impression that David Wallace would be coming. He bought back Dunder Mifflin, correct? Dwight: Hey. Your daughter could be a bubble bath model. I could just bite her head off. [laughs] Pam: Sorry. Um, David is in Vermont. Did you speak with him? He sent Dwight instead. Jan: Molly! David Wallace is in Vermont. Molly: Oh, my God. Um, I talked to his assistant. And I guess it did get a little confusing 'cause you said not to tell anyone your name. And then also, those bluetooths are very hard to hear with. I know you love the way they look, but Tom never had us use them... Jan: Molly. I am not Tom. I am Jan. Molly: I'm so sorry Jan. Jan: I thought it would be fun to have a little chat with uh, David Wallace after all these years. Oh, well. What are you doing? Dwight: Listening. Jan: Stop. Dwight: Sorry. Jan: Stop that. Dwight: Okay. Pam: So this was all just a trick. You don't really have any business to give? Jan: No, I do. Pam: But not to us. Jan: Insightful, Pam. Pam: You did good, Dwight. It's okay. I mean, seriously, Jan's not normal. Let's just go. She's not going to sell to us. Dwight: Yes, she is. Now, I may not have any instincts with women, but I have an instinct for sales. You keep her occupied. I'll be right back. Pam: What? Jan: Pam? Pam: Yeah. Jan: I'm a very busy woman, so... Pam: Yeah. Um, do you have any other pictures of Astrid? Jan: Fine. I will show you one... slide show. Pete: Erin, did this call... Erin: Uh! Pete: What? Erin: Sorry, I uh, just saw your face. Pete: Oh, I'm sorry. It's for the thing. Erin: I know. That's great. It just - it makes it look like there's an eyebrow in the middle of your face. Pete: Wow. Erin: A handsome eyebrow, but, um... it makes your mouth look like an eye socket... which isn't bad. Pete: Uh-huh. Erin: But um, you look like a cyclops whose eye... fell out... Which is great. It's such a great cause. Pete: Yeah. Erin: [chuckles] Jan: [audio from slide show, singing] Mommy, you're a princess. Mommy, you're a superstar. Mommy you're the greatest. How can I ever fill your sho-o-o-es? Pam: Wow. Your voice is as lovely as ever. Jan: Aw. Pam: And it is so cute how she signs her name. Jan: [chuckles] Well, that - that was - that was me too. Pam: Oh, okay. It's just that's how Cece does it with the backwards 'E's. Jan: Cece can't spell her name. Pam: Oh, actually she can. Jan: Well, it's not really much of a comparison, is it? I mean, 'Cece' is two letters and 'Astrid' is... I mean, there's even some adults who - who - who can't spell it. Pam: Of course. Jan: Can you spell it? Try to spell it, Pam. Pam: Um... 'A'... 'X'? I don't - you got me. Jan: Don't patronize me. Pam: [whispering] I'm so sorry. I hate this. You're better. Angela: [whispering] Okay, we should go now. Let's go. Oscar: [stammering wildly] Just wait. Just a minute. Just watch. [scoffs] Angela: Wait. Why are you... Oh. are you getting your jollies right now? Can't get enough of the show? Your jollies are all on fire - Oscar: [whispering] Please. It's Robert who's enjoying it. Angela: What? Oscar: This could be the affair that you're scared of. Politicians are wonderful liars. You never know who they really are. [pause] But uh, he's probably not gay. He's straight. He's straight, so... Pam: Mm. Excuse me. Could I get some more water? Jan: No. Dwight: Jan... You thought I had no more cards left to play. Well I've got one. Man-boy! The Ace of Babes. Pam: Oh, my God. Clark: Where's the Quizno's? Dwight: You're the Quizno's. [chuckles] Jan, may I introduce to you your own personal Dunder Mifflin liaison, devoted to servicing this account with total client satisfaction. I sensed that Molly wasn't quite meeting your needs - nothing like, uh, your old assistant... Hunter. Was that his name? Jan: I - I - Dwight: Hmm? Jan: I don't recall. And yes, Molly is crap. Pam: Okay, you do not have to do this. Clark: Do what? Get into sales? That's what I want. Dwight: He's been growing that mustache for weeks. Best he can do... So young. Jan: Will you uh, [clicks tongue] you. Can you turn around for me, please? Dwight you can go. I will call you in a week or so and let you know whether I want your business. Dwight: Very good. Jan: [to Clark] Do you have a valid passport? Jim: Jim Halpert. Colin: [on phone] Hey, it's Colin. Jim: Hey man. I am so sorry about that. Colin: I know. Don't worry about it. Jim: [laughs] Colin: It's just... it's not totally working. Jim: Yeah. No, I know. This whole telecommuting thing - not ideal. But don't worry. I'll figure it out. Colin: Yeah, well, it's not just not ideal. I mean, with you there, I don't know how we're gonna do this. Jim: Uh, what does - what does that mean? Angela: Oscar, what is happening here? Why would you say you think the senator might be gay? Oscar: I don't know, Angela. I'm dehydrated. Maybe... You heard me wrong. We should just go. Angela: Look, look, look. Here he comes. Here he comes. What is he doing? Oscar: He's making a phone call. Angela: [ducking under table with Oscar] Oh. Oh. Oscar: [phone vibrates, rings] Pam: Oh, hey, Molly. You should just quit. Molly: Thanks. Okay. Dwight: Oh and uh, Molly... I know it can't be easy working for Jan. Good luck with your feelings. Pam: Dwight, that was really nice. You should ask for her number. Dwight: Oh, I got her number. 415-YCL. Pam: That's a license number? Dwight: That's all you need. And when I have curried favor with her, I will let you know. Pam: Oh. Why me? Dwight: Because you are my friend and you are a woman... And women love gossip. It's like air to you people. Ugh, God. [retching]

Oscar: Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that I'm having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if she's cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it's business as usual. Oscar: Good morning. [clears throat] Angela: Oscar... [sighs] can I ask you a question? Oscar: [whispering] Of course, ask me a que- ��questions. Angela: Is it cool in here to you? Oscar: [hoarsely] Yes, a little bit. [normal voice] Yes. Angela: I think the thermostat is acting up again. Oscar: It's the stupid thermostat! That thing is a catastrophe. So I'm gonna, um, on your suggestion, get someone to fix it. I'll just go downstairs. Angela: Thank you. Oscar: No, thank you, Angela. Oscar: She doesn't know. I shouldn't be surprised. This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. Basically, she has her head in the sand. In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love. Dwight: Well, well, well, it's finally happened. Pam has ceased caring. Pam: These are my painting clothes.I think I'm gonna do it. I am really gonna start painting the warehouse mural today. [Jim applauds] Meredith: Sure you don't want to put another coat of primer on that Pam?Queen of the primer, that one. Jim: You got this, Beesley. Actually, do you want me to come down and help you get started? Pam: Are you avoiding your phone call? Jim: What? Yeah, right. As if. Jim: Today I will be asking David Wallace if I can start working part-time, because the sports marketing company that I started really needs me to be there. Pam: Last week Jim wasn't there, and they named the company Athlead. Jim: I could have prevented that. So I have to talk to Wallace. Pam: Tell them your opening line. Jim: [sighs] Hey David, how would you like a guy who's not here as much, gets paid the same amount of salary, and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia? Pam: I think it's good. He likes fishing. Jim: This is gonna be awful. Pete: One of my jobs is to input customer complaints into the computer. And when they're in, I fill out one of these cards. But the information's already on the computer, so...why am I filling out the card? I asked Andy, and he told me to 'chillax,' and then went away on a big, long boat ride. So here we are. Don't give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house. ��Fight the power. Angela: Meet me in the old place, five minutes. I need you. Angela: [upon seeing Dwight naked] Ugh! Dwight: Come on in, the water's fine. Angela: Dwight, it's not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on. Dwight: I know. That's not why I'm naked. I always work out without my clothes. [does jumping jacks] Angela: Just put them on! Put on your clothes. I need your help. I need someone who can operate outside of the law. Ugh. Dwight: Oh, I'm sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me. If I'm not in your panties, I don't go vigilantes. Why don't you ask your husband? Angela: My marriage is in danger. I don't know who I can trust. I need someone to be there for me. Dwight: [sighs] All right, what are we talking? Surveillance, wire-tapping? Angela: Something like that. Dwight: Yeah, the less I know, the better. I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force. Angela: Can you arrange a meeting? Dwight: I can try. I'm gonna use SMS text. Angela: Okay. Dwight: Text went through. Angela: Okay. Dwight: All we can do is sit and wait. Angela: Okay. Dwight: [phone vibrates] Oh, look at that. Yeah, he's free anytime. Not a problem. Jim: I mean, I can handle any client issues from Philly. David: [on phone] Yeah, but I really need someone in the office. If there's a crisis - the more I think about it - Jim: Oh, you mean handle it in person. Oh, well, Phyllis and Stanley have agree to cover for me while I'm gone. David: They did? Jim: Yep. David: Oh, okay. Well, that is different. In that case, yes- Maybe this can work. Jim: Oh, great. Stanley: Why should we help you? Jim: Because we're friends. Stanley: When is my birthday? Jim: Unfair. When's my birthday? Stanley: I don't know, because we're not friends. Jim: How about this- You let me take you to lunch, and I make my case? Stanley: Now we're talkin'. Jim: All right. Phyllis: Yeah. Kevin: Make it go taller. Pete: That's the idea. Kevin: No, not taller this way, taller this way. [gesturing with hands] Pete: Well, I've gotta build a wider base first before I can go higher. Kevin: You're not getting this, Peter. ��Make it go wider... up! Pete: Will do. Darryl: [entering] What are y'all doing? Kevin: Me and Pete are building a tower. Darryl: Cool. It should be taller though, right? Kevin: Obviously. He's a sweet kid, Darryl. But he's not the sharpest guy in the drawer. Pete: Kevin, I can hear you. Kevin: Huh? Angela: Ow! Dwight! Ow! Dwight: Get in the van. Angela: God! Trevor: Is it safe to talk? Dwight: Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I don't see them so I think we're good. Angela: So what are your credentials? Trevor: I started following people around to get exercise. Turns out, I'm damn good at it. Angela: Do you have a gun? Dwight: [snickers] Does he own a gun? Show her. Trevor: You tell me. Angela: What is this? Trevor: It's the receipt for my gun. Angela: You don't carry it with you? Trevor: Read the receipt. That's a $300 gun. Someone could steal it. Dwight: Do you have any idea how many guns Trevor's had stolen from him? Trevor: Now I keep it in a safe. Dwight: Mm-hmm. Good safe? Trevor: Oh, you tell me. [shows Dwight receipt] Dwight: Wow! Pam: [studying mural wall] I guess if I make a mistake, I can just paint over it with a shrub or something. It's just, I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs. So, I'm gonna limit myself to one shrub. Hide: You paint wall now? Pam: Yeah. Painting now. I just want to make sure that... Hide: You paint now. Pam: It's probably gonna be a few minutes. So you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing. Hide: I wait. Meredith: Sweet. Erin: Yay! Darryl: That's what I'm talkin' about. Pete: This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote 'sausage factory.' Meredith: Oh OOOH! Everyone: [approving cheers] Meredith: Boom! Darryl: Bang. Kevin: Yep, yep, yep. Pete: All right. Up next we got a whole lotta Creed. Creed: Let's find out what I did. Pete: All right. Dwight: You get half now and half upon completion of said job. Trevor: And that's all off the books? Angela: Obviously. Trevor: Nice. No taxes. Angela: Okay, so everything you need to know about the target is in here. Trevor: So what's the job? Angela: Murder. Trevor: Okay, that's the big one. That's the big 'M.' Dwight: You can't have someone murdered. Angela: What if they deserved it? Dwight: What did they do to you, Angela? Angela: They're sleeping with my husband. Dwight: Oh, Monkey. Oh, I feel for you. Trevor: This seems a little crazy. Dwight: Yes. Crazy. Thank you. Trevor: But I think I'm up for it. Dwight: No! No! Angela: Thank you. Dwight: Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. I've had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch- Trevor: That's very effective. I've been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. It's devastating. Angela: No, no, no. It has to be physical. I want this person to suffer. Trevor: What about a knee-capping? Dwight: No! You're not helping, Trevor! Angela: Yes, a knee-capping could work. Dwight: No. Angela! What are you saying? Angela: You said you would be there for me. Dwight: I'm trying, but what you're asking is- Angela: It's the only thing that will make this right. Dwight: Okay. But it's cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can't scrub worth a damn. Trevor: All right, then it's settled. One knee-capping. Now, the hit goes down at 4:00. Keep in mind, once I leave, there's no turning back. Jim: You know, truth be told, I think all you'll really be doing is accepting calls from my clients while I'm gone. Stanley: We've got all afternoon to talk about that. Waiter: Morning, folks. Stanley: I'll have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster. Waiter: Actually, the surf and turf does come with lob- Stanley: Not enough lobster. Side order. Phyllis: How much wine do you have? Oscar: I brought you a cookie. Angela: Oh, thanks, Oscar. You're such an angel. Oscar: [talking into phone] I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so... yeah, we're good. Yeah. [exhales] We dodged a bullet, yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah- Well, I gotta go now, but- Okay, bye. Bye. Pete: There we go. Everyone: [cheers and applause] Pete: Nicely done. Very nicely done. All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket dialing a customer while having sex. Nellie: Oooohh... you salty dog. Darryl: Well, yeah, what can I say, a player's gotta play. Pete: There you go. Darryl: Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti. But I'm gonna let them think the other thing. Kevin: Okay, I got this one. Nellie: Oh, be careful! Be careful! Be careful Kevin: No, I got it. Easy does it, everyone. Nobody even take a breath. Everyone: [shouting as tower collapses] Oh no! Kevin! Nellie: What did I just say? What did I just say? Pete: Hey, hey, hey, it's just a mistake. Just a mistake. That's what this tower's all about - ��mistakes. Okay, if you're afraid of screwing up, the tower's not for you. Show of hands - who here has never had a complaint? That's right. Nobody. See that? Nobody. Okay? Let's get back to work, huh? Come on, you in? Kevin: Yeah. Pete: There we go. All right, let's do it. Jim: You know, at the end of the day, it's really only two days. I mean, I'll be back in the office. ��If you need me for an emergency, call me. ��I'll be there... Phyllis: You know what? I don't know where the years went. '��Cause sometimes when I look at my hands, I don't even recognize them. Jim: Tell me about it. Phyllis: Whose hands are these? [holding out her hands to Jim] Theyre not my hands. I don't know. Jim: All right. You know what? ��Maybe we'll just... We'll go slow. Phyllis: No. Jim... [wine bottle clangs on plate] Pete: All right. Check it out. Everyone: [cheers and applause] Pete: Like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ksshhhh! Kevin: Nice. ��Pretty soon, we're gonna be at the ceiling. Erin: Whoo! Pete: Can you hand me a card? Erin: Um,. it's empty. Pete: What? Nellie: Oh, come on. We could use a blank card. Everyone: No!! Meredith: That's cheating. Pam: I could get us a complaint. Meredith: You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn't fart on a butterfly. Pam: No, I wouldn't. I can't even relate to that impulse. But I bet I could get us a customer complaint. I'd like to try. Nellie: Hmm. Yeah. ��All right! Yea, go, Pam! Pam... Everyone: [chanting] 'Pam!' Angela: What? Why did you call me out here? Dwight: The target- it's Oscar, isn't it? He and the senator are gaying each other. Angela: I don't know what you're talking about. Dwight: Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time you're engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils. Angela: Fine! It's Oscar. So what? Dwight: Well I could understand you wanting to get a stranger's knees whacked. But a co-worker- Dare I say, a friend? Angela: Exactly, a friend. Someone who sits next to you year after year, making chitchat and smiling, and all the while running behind your back and defiling your marriage and seducing your husband. Dwight: I can't even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me. Angela: Well, you might be right. But it's too late now. Dwight: What do you mean? Angela: He's here. Dwight: No! No, no! [groans] Dwight: Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Hey come with me. Oscar: What? Dwight: Come - come with me. Oscar: What are you doing? Dwight: There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They're extraordinary. Meredith: Yahtzee. Trevor: Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez. Kevin: I am Oscar Martinez. Angela: No, not him, not him. Outside. Outside. Kevin: Wha- wh- Angela: You know, there's doughnuts in the break room. Kevin: Nice! Yeah. Jim: Listen, I was really wondering if maybe we could lock this down before lunch is over. Stanley: Don't be pushy Jim. It's tacky. Jim: All right. Phyllis! Phyllis, that's- that's decorative. Phyllis: No, there's wine in here. Jim: Still decorative. Stanley: Is it white wine? Jim: No. Phyllis: [to customer] Can you help me? Jim: Don't- don't- don't pole people with knives. Phyllis: [groaning while trying to open giant wine bottle] ha ha! Jim: Phyllis! ��Wow. Stanley: Ooh, bring it over. Phyllis: Got it. Dwight: There's no time to explain. [descending stairs] Okay, actually, there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your knee caps. Oscar: Oh, my God! What is wrong wiht you? Dwight: What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man who's the father of her child? Oscar: I don't know what you're talking about. Dwight: Oh, don't lie. I'm trying to save those precious knees you're always bragging about. ��Now, let's get out of here. He could be right behind us. Dwight: Aah! Actually, he's right in front of us. Trevor: Let's get it on. I'm gonna do this. I might- I might puke, but I'm gonna do this. Dwight: No, Trevor, I am not gonna let you. He's a Dunder-Mifflin man. He's my tribe. Trevor: I'm sorry, Dwight, but for once in my stupid, stupid life, I'm gonna follow through on something, all right? I have masculinity issues- Stop! No! Oscar: I got it. Dwight: Disarm! Trevor: You don't- [all three grunting] Dwight: Don't move. And disarm now! [Oscar gets weapon away from others] Trevor: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Dwight: No! No, Oscar. He's a friend. He's a friend. Erin: Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire. They're family-owned, but don't let that take away from your edge! Nellie: Come on, Pam, I know you can fail. I see failure in you. Creed: Remember, you're a scumbag, so you think scummy thoughts. Like this. Pam: [into phone] Hello, this is Pam Halpert. I'm calling from Dunder-Mifflin. Yes, your paper provider. And I just called to say... your mama is so fat, when she wears red, people yell, 'Hey, kool-aid.' Yeah, your mama's fat. This is Pam Halpert. Pete: Did she buy it? Pam: Basically I couldn't tell, but I think... Nellie: Were they angry? Pam: I- I thought they were confused at least... Nellie: Okay. Erin: Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin. Yes, you can. Okay. I will make sure that goes on file. [hangs up] Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client! Everyone: [cheering] Kevin: Nice. Nice. Creed: You did good. You did good. Pete: See ya later, Heymont. Dwight: No. Trevor: If you chase me, I will run so fast. If you catch me I will bite so hard. Got it? Good-bye, my friend. Oscar: What the hell, Dwight? Dwight: See ya later, Trevor. Oscar: you are incorrigible! Dwight: I just saved your life. You're welcome! Oscar: You hired someone to hit me with a pipe! Angela: You deserved every bit of it! ��You made my husband gay. Oscar: What- what I did was wrong, and I have to live with that every day. But your husband is... gay. He was gay when you married him! Angela: No. No. Oscar: Angela, until you face that, you're gonna be confused and angry for all the wrong reasons. But if you want to blame me for the whole thing, go ahead - I won't stop you. Hit me. you have my blessing. Hit me. Angela: Well are you gonna let go of it? Because part of the blame is definitely on you. Oscar: Angela, it's a lead freaking pipe. Angela: God! [kicks Oscar] Oscar: Aah! Angela: You were supposed to be my friend. Oscar: I'm so sorry. Angela- Dwight: Oscar. Pete: Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert... Everyone: [cheers and applause] Pete: For insulting a client's recently deceased mother. Nellie: Yes! Pam: I did not know that. Pete: Well, a woman who struggled with obesity all her life. Pam: I'm so sorry. Meredith: Wow. Pete: yeah. That's- that is terrible. Everyone: [cheers and applause as Pete puts last card on tower] Kevin: You did it. Erin: Yeah! Angela: I feel so stupid. I sit next to him every day. Dwight: You're not stupid. Jazz is stupid. Angela: [crying] Jazz is stupid! ��I mean, just play the right notes! Dwight: I know. You're gonna be okay, Monkey. Angela: I don't like your friend Trevor. Dwight: I don't like him either. ��And yet I really like him. Jim: Well, we're here. Perfect. ��[covers sleeping Phyllis with his jacket] Phyllis: We're gonna cover for you, ya know. Stanley: [chuckles] Jim: Phyllis, what was that?Phyllis are you dreaming, or- Stanley: [laughing] I did enjoy grinding your beans, son. Phyllis: [laughing] Yeah, we really did peel your grapes. Jim: This is hilarious, but we're gonna stop with all- Stanley: Shuckin' your peas. Jim: Shuckin' the peas. ��You should go back to the first part, though. You are ��gonna ��cover for me? Stanley: Yeah. Phyllis: Of course we are, Jimmy. We love you guys. Jim: Oh, my God, thank you. [hugging both] Thank you. Pam: If you're an artist, you have to be okay with the idea ��that you can't please everybody all the time. Hide: You paint very bad- Pam: Shut up, Hide! ��I mean, do you think Kevin cares what people think about him- or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh, these are my role models now. You know what? I'm okay with that. Dwight: Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted? Toby: That is- that is a loaded question. Angela: My pastor said it can come from breast feeding. Toby: He said that? Angela: Well, he didn't fight me hard on it. Toby: I- I don't know if there's truth to- to, uh, to that. Angela: What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet? Toby: Oh... uh... Angela: Is it called red-vining? Dwight: Is it called red-vining? Toby: I don't... Dwight: We heard it was called red-vining. Angela: People red vine. Dwight: Where are gay mens' vaginas? Toby: They don't have vaginas. Dwight: What? Toby: No. They're just regular men. Dwight: When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis? Toby: Uh... wow...

Jim: [Sighs] I'm having second thoughts about one of the shirts I packed. The blue one with the stripes. Pam: I'm sure it's fine. it's a blue shirt. Jim: Well, yeah, but I'm wondering if it's too blue. Like, am I making a statement with the blueness? Jim: I am leaving early today for Philly, because tomorrow is the first day of my new job. So I figure I'd get in at 5:00, check into a hotel at about 6:00 so I can get a real good night of restless sleep and nervous puking. Dwight: Uh, excuse me. Trying to get work done. Some people don't care about Jim's new sports job in Phila-Whatever. Jim: So you know my job has something to do with sports, but you don't know the end of the word 'Philadelphia'? Dwight: Philadelphia. From the greek phila meaning 'Love,' and adelph, meaning 'Adolf.' 'the city that loves Adolf.' Good luck with your new enterprise and don't wear the blue striped shirt. It makes your neck look like an old mop handle. Erin: Oh...Hey, guys, the Christmas party is today. Merry Christmas everyone! Angela: No. Nellie: Is It? Erin: I mean, it says 'X-Mas party,' but I think we all know what that's code for. Kevin: So we're not going to have a Christmas party this year? Angela, how could you do this to us? Angela: Oh, right, like I'm responsible 'cause I'm in charge of the party planning committee. Kevin: Well, you are the one in charge of it. Angela: Don't blame me for something we all forgot. Oscar: Yeah, let's not blame her for something we all forgot. Oscar: I didn't realize how many of Angela's opinions I agreed with, until she tried to have my kneecap shattered for sleeping with her husband. She makes a lot of very sound points. Phyllis: I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works. Meredith: [Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party! Nellie: Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-Cupcakes? Kevin: Mini-Cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people? Dwight: What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel. Jim: Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement? Kevin: No. Angela: No! Jim: Done, right? Angela: No. Stanley: No. I want Tropical Christmas. Meredith: Topless Christmas. Creed: Tapas swiss miss. Creed: Spanish tapas, and swiss miss hot cocoa-What's so hard to understand? Dwight: Or, who was it that suggested the authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? I think it was someone really popular. Phyllis: We already said no. Angela: No, no, no. Nellie: Too weird. Dwight: [Holds up a picture] This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. There's me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesn't come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo, matrix style. Jim: I'm not understanding the confusion. Am I the only one who wants to try hufflepuffs and schnauzerhosen, and meet this glenpickle guy? Angela: [Blows a weak whistle] Party planning cimmittee, emgergency meeting. Now. Pam: I'm on it. Jim: Right. Pete: I'm just hoping German terrorists don't take over this Christmas party. Make me go all John McClane on their asses. Erin: Wait, German terrorists? That's oddly specific. And I think-I think you mean John McCain. Pete: Die hard reference. Erin: I haven't seen it. Pete: You haven't seen die hard? Erin: Mm-Mmm. Pete: Why haven't you seen die hard? Erin: I don't know, I just haven't. Kevin: Come on, you had to have at least seen some of it. Erin: No. Kevin: now, i have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho.' Pete: Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs.' Erin: None of this makes any sense to me! Kevin: Oh, yeah, and when he takes the gun off his back, and he's like, 'Yippie-Ki-Yay, mother-' Pete: Actually, he doesn't say that there. He says it earlier when he's on the radio with Hans. Kevin: Yes, you are right. Forgive me. Pete: Oh, that's okay, bud. Kevin: Nope. [Kevin walks out the door into the kitchen] Pete: Common mistake. Kevin: No, it's not. Erin: [Points and Pete] Nerd! Do you know every line of the movie? Pete: My brother dared me to memorize it, and I did it, and loved doing it. Erin: Okay, let's hear it. Pete: Hear what? Erin: Die hard. Every line. Go. Pete: You don't like flying, do you?' Erin: Don't change the subject. Pete: No, that's the- Erin: Movie is starting. Jim: [In Kitchen] We're thinking of collaborating with Mike Schmidt on some of his charity work. Stanley: I love Philly. Dirty town. Darryl: [Comes up behind Jim and puts his hands on Jim's shoulders] Ah-Ha-Ha! Philly! Exciting stuff, man. Jim: Whoo! Darryl: So you sure you remembered everything for your trip? Jim: Yeah, I think so. Darryl: Think that through for a sec. Darryl: Yeah, Jim's going to philly tomorrow. He said he was gonna take me with him, but that was two months ago. And I haven't heard anything since. I mean, he said that, right? Darryl: What else could you possibly be forgetting? Jim: Uh- Darryl: Things? People? Toby: You know who's not gonna get to work on some exciting new startup this year? George Howard Skub, a.k.a. the alleged Scranton strangler, because he's in prison [Jim and Daryl walk out of the kitchen] for something he may not have done. Nellie: I'm sorry, the-Uh, the Scranton who? Toby: The Scranton strangler. George Howard Skub. Haven't I told you about the jury I was on a couple years ago? Nellie: [Gasps] Oh, what happened? I mean, if you can talk about it, obviously. Because if you can't, I mean, I understand. Toby: I-I could-I could talk about it. Stanley: [Pats Nellie on the shoulder as he's walking by her] See you next Christmas. Toby: I could, sure. Have a seat. I would start at the beginning, but I think I need to go farther back. Pam: We're the party planning committee, and we did not get where we are by playing it safe. We got here by being risk takers. And, yeah, Dwight's party is gonna be terrible. Maybe. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's going to be great. And if it's great...I think we all know what that would mean to us. Phyllis: Let's do it! Pam: Yes! Phyllis! Angela: No. I don't want my name attached to this party. Pam: What does that even mean? Where would your name appear? Angela: Please just take my name off of everything. Oscar: Just take her name off of everything. Pam: [Clears her throat] The party planning committee, minus Angela, has decided that we're all going to do Dwight's Christmas. Dwight: Yes! Yeah! [High Fives Jim] Yeah! Okay! Yes! It's a Christmas Miracle! [High Fives Pam] Yeah! Whoo-Hoo! Pam: Dwight, there is one rule that you need to take very seriously. Dwight: Uh-huh. Pam: And that is... Dwight: Uh, Oh. Pam: That there are no rules. Dwight: You have never been cooler. Jim: Best Christmas ever. Pam: You're welcome. Jim: Thank you. Dwight: [Plays a trumpet] And Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas has officially begun. Meredith: Ugh. What is this stuff, lava? Dwight: That is gluhwein, otherwise known as glow-wine, also used to sterilize medical instruments. And, interesting factoid, this is the very spoon that guided my soft skull through the birth canal when I was born. Enjoy. Pam: What is it? [Jim lifts the hog maw with a fork] Don't touch it. Dwight: [Comes running up at startles Pam] Somebody's found the hog maw. Pam: Oh! Dwight: What? It's a Pennsylvania Dutch specialty. Hog maw. That's a beauty, isn't it? I don't even want to tell you what it's made of until after you try it. Stanley: Ugh. I'm not eating mystery meat. Dwight: It is stuffed pig stomach. And, after we finish it, we get to break the pig rib. Jim: Can't wait. Meredith: Weird. Where are the sugar cookies? Where's the karaoke machine? Dwight: This is austere, Meredith. This is celebrating Christmas for all of the right reasons. The cookies and toys and sweets are mere distractions. I mean, most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a Shepherd's Crook, which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces. Oscar: How would anyone even know- Dwight: Have you ever tasted a Shepherd's Crook? Jim: I don't know. Is it what you expected? Pam: I feel like [Pam look's out the window and camera pans out in The Office]-Dwight is holding a candle and reading a poem. Jim: So happy right now. Dwight: [Speaking German] Wait, what is that I hear? Is someone on the roof? How strange. [Blows out the candle] Excuse me. I have to run to my car to take a dump. Kevin: I wish my car had a bathroom. Pete: Let Heinrich plant the detonators and Theo prepare the vault. After that-' Erin: [On a computer, checking the script] Eh. That wasn't the line. I'm sorry, Pete. Pete: That is transcribed by some fan. They make mistakes. Erin: I don't know. This looks pretty legit. [Erin's cell phone chimes] Oh, my gosh. I just got an email from Andy. That means they hit land. Erin: [Reading the email from Andy] 'What up, shorty? We got in last night, sold the boat, went out, got drunk, saw life of pi, got super depressed and introspective. Gonna hang out here a while. Maybe a couple of weeks. Figure this whole life thing out. Maybe see hobbit. Lates.' Pete: Hey. Everything okay? Erin: So what comes next? Pete: Right, um, okay. So he says, uh, [Pete stands up] 'After we call the police, they'll waste hours trying to negotiate-' Erin: We should just watch the movie. That makes much more sense. Pete: Or we can just sit and talk, though. Erin: No. No more talking. It's movie time. Pete: I mean, are you sure...Um, yeah, I probably have a copy or two in my car. Erin: Oh, great. Great! So we're watching die hard, now. Good! This is a good plan. Pete: Okay. Toby: [To Nellie in the kitchen] Here's the thing about moonlight. It's not sunlight. Kevin: [With his mouth full] I love this hog mama. Phyllis: Dwight said it's 'Hog maw.' Kevin: [Chokes and spits it out] What is maw?! Phyllis: It's the lining of the stomach of- Dwight: [Cackling] Ohh...[In a German Accent] Judgment is nigh, for the belsnickel ist I! Jim: Yes, he is finally nigh. Dwight: I am nigh! Dwight: Every year, my grandfather would dress up as belsnickel at Christmas. He was...okay at it. I am great. You know how they say some people were born to be bad? Well, I was born to be belsnickel. Dwight: Ooh, belsnickel has traveled from distant lands to discover how all the boys and the girls have been behaving this last year. Whoo hoo HOO hoo hoo! [Runs over to Stanley and points at his stomach with a stick] Ohh...Too much strudel. Jim: So he's kind of like santa, except dirty and worse. Dwight: No, much better-No one fears santa the way they fear belsnickel. Jim: Wow! It's my favorite part of Christmas. The authority. Pam: And the fear. Dwight: Yes, exactly! Phyllis: Come on, Dwight, you're making this up. Dwight: No. Oscar: [Reading from his phone] This is a real thing. 'Belsnickel is a crotchety, fur-clad gift giver related to other companions of st. Nicholas in the folklore of southwestern Germany.' Angela: Huh. Pam: Wow. Dwight: Okay, great. Seriously, you guys? Now you believe in Dwight's traditions, when some democrat looks it up on wikipedia? Oscar: [Continues reading] 'His partner, zwarte piet, or black Peter, a slave boy, often portrayed in colorful pantaloons and blackface.' Stanley: Uh-Uh. No, Dwight. No. Dwight: Oh, come on. We don't blindly stick to every outmoded aspect of our traditions. Come on, get with the spirit of it, you guys. [Texts warehouse worker, Nate, to forget showing up as zwarte piet] Pete: Okay, Karl was actually a ballet dancer in real life. Isn't that crazy? Erin: Mm. [Chuckles] Darryl: [Talks drunk angry] Jim, that guy. [Scoffs] You gotta stick to your word! Like when you say something to a buddy, a real buddy...what are you gonna do, lie? To your buddy? [Sighs] It's awful. Dwight: Take a bowl and pass it down. Phyllis: Thank you, Dwight. These are nice. Dwight: No, these are gift bowls. When you recieve a gift, it will go in the bowl, but the bowls must be returned at the end. They're a set. Now, hold your bowls forward. The belsnickel will decide if you are impish or admirable. Jim: Oh, it's like naughty or nice. Dwight: No, impish or admirable. Jim: Quick question-Do you just decide who gets what in the moment, or did you make a list? Dwight: I decided earlier. Jim: Oh, nice. Did you check that list? Dwight: Of course I checked it. Jim: But more than once? 'cause you could have made a mistake. Dwight: I checked it more than once. Jim: Okay, so you made a list, you checked it twice, and now you're gonna find out who's- Dwight: Impish or admirable. Jim: Damn. Dwight: Phyllis Vance! Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year as...admirable. [Jim claps] There you are. Phyllis: [Takes here gift out of her bowl] Oh. What are these? Dwight: It's a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars. Phyllis: I'd rather have the bowl. Dwight: You can't have the bowl! Oscar Martinez, cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year [looks over at Angela, then back to Oscar]...as impish! [Smacks Oscar with a stick] Oscar: Ow! You hit people with that thing? Dwight: No, I'm carrying around the stick in order to look cool. For the kinder [puts a mouse trap in Pam's bowl] Jim: Ooh. Pam: [Holds the mouse trap up] Mouse trap. Dwight: In a head-to-head contest, people prefer belsnickel over santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. it was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel. Jim: Oh, you know what? I gotta go. Dwight: Stop giggling. Pam: Oh, really? Already? Jim: Yeah, it's all right. Dwight: It's a punishment. [Turns to Jim] Hey, where are you going? Jim: I have to go to philly. But this was amazing. Okay. Dwight: But you work tomorrow. Jim: Yeah, I know, I'd just like to settle in and get a good night's sleep. Dwight: But we were gonna break the pig rib. Jim: Ooh. Dwight: Remember? Jim: That's right. Dwight: No matter! Belsnickel cares not about this-off with you! Jim: Perfect. Merry Christmas, everybody. Dwight: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't you want to know your present? Jim: You know what? Yeah. Have at it. Dwight: Jim Halpert. Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! [Jim holds his hands like a bowl] I judge your year as impish. [Hits Jim with stick] Jim: Ooh! Are you nuts? Dwight: [Hits Jim three more times] I judge you impish! Jim: Ow! Ow! Okay, that is three, and you didn't hit anybody that hard. Dwight: They're not abandoning the party. [Hit's Jim again] Jim: Just-Just-Hey! Jim: [As he's walking out] That's enough, I'm done! Okay? Agh! Dwight: [Hits Jim some more] Impish! [Chases Jim out] Jim: Aah! Ow! Meredith: Belsnickel, I gotta run out early too. [Leans up against the wall as Dwight comes back in] Jim: [In the parking lot, holding his side, walking to the taxi, Pam follows] Oh...what was that? Now I'm gonna be all whipped for my first day at work. God. [To taxi driver] One second. Oh... Pam: Well...this is it. Jim: I'm probably never gonna see you again. Pam: Shut up. I'm trying to be serious. Jim: Okay, sorry, sorry. Pam: I can't believe this is actually happening. Jim: Listen, thank you so much for putting that all together. That was the perfect last Christmas party. All right, wish me luck. Pam: Okay. [Jim and Pam hug] Good luck. You're gonna be great. Jim: I'll call you when I get in. Pam: Okay. Jim: All right. Pam: Love you. Jim: Love you. Pam: What's going on? Dwight: Party's over. You quit on Christmas, Christmas quits on you. [To camera] And guess what, kids. Belsnickel isn't real. It's me, Dwight! [Takes off hat and beard] Phyllis: We found some old decorations in the warehouse. Oscar ran to the store for some food and drink, and I dipped into my stash of eggnog. I guess they needed me after all. It's like in it's a wonderful life when Jimmy Stewart realizes that all thos people at the building and loan were just jerks, and he was the real hero. Angela: Kevin. Kevin! Aaah. Stop it! Nellie: Oh, it sounds like the party's starting up out there. Toby: Yeah. So anyway, the entire jury wants me to vote guilty. But then I did a little research of my own, and forget everything you thought you knew about fingerprinting. Darryl: Meredith's a little cute. I'm just realizing. She got, like, a Emma Stone thing. Darryl: [At Meredtith] Boo! Pam: For what it's worth, I liked your party better. Dwight: Everyone thought the food was gross, and that belsnickel was some darkly erotic freak. Pam: I don't think anyone thought that. Dwight: Jim couldn't even stay till the end of the party. Pam: Well, that didn't have anything to do with you. Dwight: I don't care. Guess how much I care on a scale of one to ten. Pam: Zero. Dwight: Damn It! Darryl: I'm gonna tell Jim to go [Bleep] himself. Erin: Do you think Andy would ever jump off an exploding building tied to a hose for me? Pete: Yeah. Definitely. [Erin starts to cry] Hey, what's-Oh, no, come here. [Starts to put his arm around Erin] Hey, hey. Come on, huh? Erin: [Sliding away from Pete] I'm still Andy's girlfriend. Pete: Oh, yeah, of course. I know. Erin: But you can leave your arm. Pam: Dwight, want me to get you some eggnog? Dwight: No, thanks. I'll just have another dumatril. Jim taught me this really cool way to take it. You crush it into a powder, and you snort it up your butt. Jim: [Walks back into The Office] Yep, I did say that. Pam: Jim! Jim: What's going on? Where's the belsnickel? Pam: Oh-Oh my god! Jim: What are you doing? Last time I saw you, you were whipping me out of the building. Dwight: [Holds his finger to Jim's lips] Shh. Let's not speak of that. The Pig Rib! We could totally break the pig rib! I'm gonna dig it out of the trash! [High fives Jim] Pam: What happened? Did you miss your bus? Jim: No. I just missed my wife.[Gives Pam a hug and a kiss] Dwight: [Comes back in, holding up the pig rib] I found it! Jim: And I found out that there's a bus at 5:00 a.m. Dwight: Oh! [Pig rib breaks and Jim wins, and stuff splatters people. Everyone groans] Damn It! Jim got the bigger half. Darryl: [To himself] Back for more, huh? [Gets up and walks towards Jim] Jim: Ooh, nog it. Let me get some nog. [Everyone talking Phyllis pours Jim some eggnog, as Daryl walks in] Thanks, Phyllis. Where's Andy? Darryl: You! Jim: Oh, hey, man. [Daryl walks over to Jim, angrily and stares at Jim] Oh, you know what? Before I forget again, I talked to the guys about hiring you. They're gonna bring you in for an interview. Darryl: [Looking at Jim confused] That's great. Jim: Right? Darryl: Thanks, man. Jim: Hey, of course. Darryl: I shall come by at your convenience. Jim: Thank you, sir. [Tips his glass to Daryl] Darryl: [Claps his hands once, spins around] Whoo! Jim: Go get 'em. Darryl: [Falls backwards onto the food table] Oh! Whoa! Dwight: Very impish. Toby: Two dimes, seven nickels-Well, okay, no, that doesn't add up. It was one quarter and- Nellie: Shh. [Puts her finger to Toby's lips] Toby: What? I was just explaining- Nellie: Shh. Toby: Why wouldn't it- Nellie: [Put her finger to his lips again] Shh. Toby: But why? Nellie: No...more...talking. Toby: Are you gonna kiss me? Nellie: Yes. [Kisses Toby]

Kevin: To me, the Sixers are a five seed tops. Jim: I think they're going to the conference finals. Kevin: No. Jim: Bynum, obvious monster and the three point shooting, don't even-... [Jim bites his lip] Jim: I bit my lip at lunch today. Darryl: Sucks. Anyway, I just don't see it. The Knicks are tough.The Nets are tough. Kevin: Oh, the Nets are super tough. [Jim in pain from his lip] Jim: Now I have this big bump in my lip that hurts. I hate it. Kevin: The Hawks are terrible. They're always terrible. Jim: Okay, you need to think about it before you come with the... [Jim bites his lip again and pounds on table] Jim: Whatever. It's not a big deal. You know I always tell my three year old, if this is the worst thing that's gonna happen...[Jim bites his lip again] You gotta be kidding me! Ok! Pam! That's it, I'm going home! Erin: Good morning, Meredith. Pam: What? Erin: Oh, sorry, Pam. Yikes. Pam: Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly and I'm not gonna lie, it's been challenging. Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. I found out Cece has lice. So I was up all night disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy, item of clothing in the entire house. I'm exhausted. But don't tell Jim. He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure and he's doing it all for the family. Jim: I am meeting Dr. J today, otherwise known as Julius Irving, famed 76er and my own personal hero. But i have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face because let's be honest, how would I feel if I was at home stuck with the kids while she was go carting with John Stamos. Jim: [talking on phone] You sound tired. Everything ok? Pam: Great. Everything's great. Hey are you nervous about your big meeting? Jim: Uhh, a little bit. It's a lot of pressure, you know, but that's what I signed up for right? Worker: Jim, limo's here. Jim: Uh, you know what, I gotta hop off because my, uh, taxi is here to take me to the meeting. Pam: Oh, call me later! Jim: Ok Pam: Good luck! Jim: Thanks! Pam: Love you. Jim: Love you too. Bye. Val: How you doing? Darryl: Alright. I mean, it's what you want, so... Val: It's how it has to be. Darryl: I know, I know. It's just hard. Darryl: Me and Val were going nowhere and if I'm gonna be working in Philly, I'm gonna need my freedom. So, I convinced Val to breakup with me. Here's how you do it. You say, 'What are you gonna do, breakup with me?' Like it's a joke, and then you gain a lot of weight. Darryl: I'll never be sorry, not for a moment of it. Val: Me neither. Come here. [she hugs Darryl, and Darryl smiles behind her back] Pam: Hey Meredith, I need your supplier requests today. Meredith: Jeez H. in the morning. Will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you. Pam: He didn't leave me. He just went part time. [Meredith scratches her head vigorously] Can you just fill out the form please? Meredith: Yes. Pam: I'm sure she's just confused. People scratch their heads when they're confused. Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens. Meredith: Hurry up already. Erin: [checking Meredith's head] Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times. Erin: Holy wow, that's a big one. Alright, pencils down everyone, we got lice! Angela: Oh God, Meredith, lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower? Dwight: What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine. Pam: Dwight, relax. It's just lice. Maybe, possibly. Dwight: Just lice Pam? Dwight: Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7. Dwight: Make way, nope, inspect me. Erin: Oh, this is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen. You are all clear. Dwight: Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning. [Dwight starts spraying everyone with disinfectant] Pam: Stop that! Angela: Dwight! Erin: Next! Angela: [getting her head checked] Geez Meredith, you know, this is an office not one of your bean bag orgies. Pam: Alright, let's give her a break. We don't know for sure this is Meredith's fault. Oscar: Pam, really? Come on. Meredith: Hey, what do you want? I know who I am. Nobody's taken Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen. Erin: Lice. More lice. [Angela shrieks in disgust] Angela has lice. Angela: Ew! Oh. Erin: [checking Stanley's head] Ooh yabber, lice! Erin: [checking Pam's head] Yikers, lice. Pam: No! How? I'm so clean! Erin: [checking Oscar's head] Oh yeah, big time lice. Oscar: I wash my hands at least six times a day. Toilet seat covers? Yes, thank you, even when I pee. Apparently, none of that is protection enough. Not when it comes to Meredith. Phyllis: What are you wearing? Dwight: It's a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazaderous materials men's suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy. Is there anyone else here that is lice free? [Phyllis, Kevin, Darryl. and Nellie raise their hands] Excellent. Do you have your own hazmat suits? Nellie: No. Kevin: No. Dwight: Renters. Ok, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse, conduct your business there until the infected have been deloused. Let's get going. I'm gonna stay here and fight. If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch. Darryl: Alright, we're going down to my warehouse, that means we're playing by my rules. No messing with the baler and be cool in front of me and Val. We just broke up. Phyllis: You got dumped? Darryl: Yeah, she ended things. Nellie: Breakups are the worst. The only thing that got me through mine are large amounts of shepard's pie and Brandy. The singer, not the drink. Kevin: Here man. [Kevin hands Daryll some chocolate] You need that more than me. Darryl: Thanks, man. Kevin: Yeah [kisses Darryl on the cheek] Pam: Guys, I think we should all ease up on Meredith. This has got to be hard for her. Angela: Oh, no no no no no. I have not yet begun to shame. Stanley: That's it. I'm getting my stuff. I'm leaving for the day. Erin: No! Stanley! If you leave now then you'll get it in your car and then you'll get it in your house! [Erin jumps on Stanley's back] Stanley: Get off me! Erin: I'm trying to save you from yourself! Stanley: Alright, I'll stay! There's a pencil broken in my rolls. Pam: Maybe it was Meredith. Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different than the lice that i got from Cece. So let's not jump to the simplest conclusion that she got her lice from me. That is how wars get started. Fine, I'll tell her it was me. Jim: Oh man, that's fresh squeezed. And, uh are all the snacks complimentary? Limo Driver: Yeah, take some home if you want. Jim: Oh no, no, no. That's ok. [Jim shoves some snacks in his pocket as he gets out of limo] Um I'm sorry, is this the conference center? Limo Driver: No, Mr. Irving called. Said he'd rather meet you at his private court. Jim: You gotta be kidding me. Pam: Hey, Meredith I need to tell you something. Meredith: [shaving her own head] Yes, Pam what do you want? Pam: Oh my God, Meredith what are you doing!? Meredith: Baking a cake, what does it look like I'm doing? Getting rid of the lice. Pam: Oh stop! I am so sorry! Meredith: Oh, can you hold that thought? That's my wax. You know, I think these critters migrated from down south. What were you saying? Pam: Nothing. Pam: I am going to tell her, but now is clearly not the time. I will buy her a wig, we'll have a few laughs. There's a right way to do this. Dwight: Scalp leeches, skull vampires, follicle gypsies, hair lawyers. One thing is clear, it's kill or be killed! Erin: No, no. It's more of a nuisance really. It's not that big a deal. So, I collected your hats and your coats... Dwight: To be burned! Erin: To be washed. Angela: What do we do about our heads? Dwight: I'm not gonna lie. Lye! Erin: No, all we need is mayonnaise. Angela: Excuse me? Pam: She's right, it works. I would imagine. Erin: Yes, it helps to suffrocate the little buddies and it's a really healthy alternative to the chemicals found in most lice shampoos. Oscar: I can appreciate that. I also only eat local, organic produce. Meredith: [walks in conference room] Shaboom! How do you like me now!? Angela: Oh. Oscar: Wow. Meredith: Take a picture. It will last longer. Angela: We don't want it to last longer. It's horrible. Creed: Bald people make me sick. Meredith: Yeah, yeah, everybody pile on Meredith. But I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss. Erin: Ok, nobody panic. If everybody just follows my instructions, then nobody else needs to end up bald. Not that it looks bad, Meredith. It looks...It looks awesome. You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it. I'm so sorry. We need mayonnaise! We need it now. Pam: Oh! Uh, uh I'll go. Angela: Okay. Oh, thank you. Oscar: You're a saint, Pam. Pam: No, no, it's not a big deal, please. No. Um, Meredith can I get you something special while I'm at the store, candy, or...or one of those stylish turbans? Meredith: Thanks Pam! I'll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools. Pam: Okay. Dwight: Let's talk pubes, people. Val: Hey, Darryl. Darryl: Oh, hey Val. Nellie: Oh, that was tragic, Oh, that was like a car crash. I couldn't look away. You two clearly still have feelings for each other. Darryl: Yeah. Phyllis: What's gonna make you feel better, big guy? Darryl: When I was a kid, my grandmother used to make me chocolate cake when I wasn't feeling good. She's not around to do that anymore. I'm sorry, I just need a moment to myself just to clear my head. Nellie: Aw, poor Darryl. I can't bear to see him suffer like this. Kevin: I think he needs some hugs, and maybe some chocolate cake. Phyllis: Mmm, this won't help him, it's a muffin, not cake. Nellie: Listen, let's try and get Darryl the one thing in the world he clearly wants and needs the most. Kevin: An Escalade. Nellie: Or what's her name. Phyllis: Val. Nellie: Let's get Darryl Val. Julius Irving: I hope you don't mind me bringing you out here. I can't get my knees under a desk. Jim: Are you kidding me? I can literally scalp tickets to this. Julius: Well, do you think you can sink one from deep? Jim: Listen, I don't mean to intimidate you, but I did play a little high school ball. Julius: Okay. [Jim shoots the basket and it goes in] Wow, Halpert's got game. Jim: Alright. [Jim's phone rings] Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. It's my wife, can I take this? Julius: It's your wife? You better take it. Jim: Right! [Jim laughs as he answers the phone] Hey, what's up? Everything ok? Pam: Oh, no everything's great! Um, I was just calling to see how the meeting went. Jim: It's still happening right now actually, so uh... Pam: He's really making you work for it, huh? Jim: Yes, it is very stressful. You sure everything's okay? Pam: Great. I am killing it over here. [drops mayonnaise on the ground] Jim, I gotta go. Jim: Okay, bye. [Jim turns back to Julius] So sorry about that. Julius: No problem. Hey Jim, what size do you wear, man? I got a pair of japanese Nikes with your name on them. What do you think? Jim: I love it. Erin: [handing out mayonnaise jars] Once it's all over your head, just leavr it there for four hours. That will be enough time for the lice to fall asleep, suffrocate, and then pass away. Dwight: Oh sure, and when you're ready to get serious, come to me to get it done right. [Dwight holds up a pair of scissors] Stanley: Put those away before you hurt yourself. Dwight: [swings the scissors around and puts them into his pocket, putting a hole in his Hazmat suit] Oh God, oh no. No. No. No! No! No! No! No! Erin: Okay, it's easier with a buddy, so everybody pair up. Angela: Oscar, do you want to be my partner? Oscar: Yeah, yeah, sure. I'd love to.. Creed: Hey, uh, mayo buddy, five dollar tip, you unclog my ears. Okay? Erin: Oh, Creed, I'm so sorry. I'm...I'm already partners with Pete, right Pete? Pete: Uh, yeah. We promised each other if we ever got lice, we'd buddy up. Sorry, man. Pam: Hey, Creed, wanna be my buddy? Creed: Oh God. Stuck with the weirdo. Oscar: [Angela is slapping mayo on Oscar's head] Angela. Angela: You don't want bugs. You know? Who knows where those bugs will end up? Meredith: [putting mayo on Stanley's head] You're getting a bargain. I ain't got no hair no more. Pam: [putting mayo on Creed's head] Creed, I'm all done. My turn. Creed: I'm sorry, Pam. It looks a little messy. Pam: Well, wait. Pete: [putting mayo on Erin's head] How's that? Erin: I feel it working. [Erin and Pete playing around with the mayo] Eiffel tower! Val: Can I help you? Phyllis: Well, we don't want to pry but we heard you broke up with Darryl. Val: Yeah, that's true. Phyllis: We think you made a big, big mistake. Kevin: Big mistake. Nellie: Quite enormous. Phyllis: He's a real catch and you should take him back. Val: Ok, thank you. Is that all? Nellie: No. No, that is not all. Let me tell you what real life is like. The men dry up, and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are for collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you never even wore. You stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games, and make a scene. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself, you're all you need. One day, you're alone, tired. At your feet, a dying bird. But where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because in some strange way it is you? Val: Thank you all for your concern, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay? Kevin: So does this mean you're gonna take Darryl back? Val: No. Kevin: Well, then, what do you say to you and me hitting the town? 'Cause I'm free, literally forever. Val: Yeah, Kevin asked me out. I was kinda feeling good about reentering the dating pool, but then Kevin asked me out. Thought I might trade up to a new level of man. Then Kevin asked me out. Pam: [phone rings] Hello? Helene: [on speaker phone] Hi, honey, it's mom. Look, Cece's school just called. She still has lice. Pam: What, no. That can't...I don't... Helene: Now, don't worry, don't worry. I'm on my way to pick her up, but you might have lice too. You know, lice can be tricky. Sometimes lice, like...[Pam hangs up phone] Angela: Oh my God. Meredith: Shave her head. Shave her head! Pam: [everyone yelling at Pam]You guys, I am so sorry! It's just been so chaotic with Jim gone, that... Meredith: Yeah yeah, Princess Fancypants let Jane 12-pack over here take the fall. Dwight: [talking through the loud speaker] She's right Pam. Pam: Is there a volume knob on that thing? Dwight: Yeah there's a volume knob on that thing. Pam: Meredith, I am so sorry. Angela: Well, a lot of good your sorrys are doing her now, Pam. She's a monster. Pam: I meant to say something earlier. I just... Meredith: Just? Just what? Just forgot? Meredith: Who's the one who didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah I BMed in the shredder on New Years. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam. Dwight: Attention, people of the office. You have exactly 60 secondes to evacutate the bull pen. At that time, I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide, as well as...[Dwight drops the grenade and it goes off inside Andy's office] Erin: Dwight, are you okay!? Dwight: Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucigenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple. [Dwight collapses] Erin: Wow. He got to purple. Oscar: [Angela rinsing Oscar's hair, and she bumps his head] Ow! Angela: Sorry. Oscar: You're waterboarding me! Angela: Oops. Kevin: [shoving large amounts of bubble wrap into the baler, as a warehouse worker passes] No, this is fine. We are allowed to do this. This is okay. Erin: You're up. Pete: Yeah, I'm kinda sad to see this baby go. Erin: You do kinda look like Elvis, but we should probably wash all the dead lice out. Pete: Okay. Erin: Okay. Okay. [rinsing Pete's hair out] Is that too cold? Pete: No, it actually feels kinda nice. Kevin: I wonder what happened over there. I've been sitting here the whole time. [as the baler crushes the bubble wrap, making loud noises] Val: Okay. Darryl: Huh? Val: Let's give it a shot. Let's make it work. Darryl: Oh, no. I mean, I want to, I just...I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do. Val: You're not. I believe in us. Darryl: But... [Val kisses Darryl] Darryl: I'm back together with Val. Yay... Dwight: I had a pretty good day today. Not everything went exactly according to plan, but lice if you are watching, I am ready for you anytime, anywhere. [Dwight gets into his car and another insecticidal grenade goes off] Pete: Hey, did Erin already take off? Oscar: I guess so. Pete: Okay. Julius: You're Kareem, coming to help. Jim: Okay, I'm Kareem. That makes total sense. I'm Kareem. You're Dr. J. Just sounds weird to say out loud. Julius: And it went like this. [Jim's phone starts ringing] Jim: And that's all? Julius: That's it. Jim: No one will believe this back home, but that's okay. Let me show you how it's done. Julius: Yeah, you show me how. Jim: [Jim's phone goes to voicemail] This is Jim Halpert, leave a message. Pam: Hey honey, it's me. Just trying to catch you before going home. Um, oh, well just give me a call whenever. Hope your day got better. Love you. Meredith: Hey, what you doing right now? Pam: I'm just gonna go home. My mom's been watching the kids all day. Meredith: Let her stay another hour. Let's go get a beer. Pam: Really? A beer sounds incredible right now. Meredith: No duh. Let's go. You're buying. Pam: Meredith, I am so sorry about today. Meredith: Forget about it. Pam: I just did not realize how hard it was gonna be without Jim. I mean, I really respect you for being a single mom all these years. It whipped my ass in half a week. I have to say, there are not a lot of people who could pull off a shaved head, but you are rocking it. Meredith: Right. I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over. Pam: Get it, girl! Pam: [Pam and Meredith singing karaoke] This one's for all you ladies out there. Meredith: [starts singing] I come... Pam: Not yet. Both: [singing] I come home in the middle of the night. My mother says when you gonna live your life right? Oh Mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones. And girls, they want to have fun. Oh girls just want to have fun.

New Instant Message: Stone & Son Suit Warehouse contract expired with their paper provider! Go get it! 'David Wallace Dwight: Stone and Son Suit Warehouse recently lost their paper provider. They're a family owned business [chuckles]. Jim and I used to clean up at those. We'd go in pretending to be family ' brothers. We did it at a family owned law firm, at a family owned construction company, and a family owned motorcycle store. Jim and Dwight Shrupert. I was the dynamic, likeable winner that was doted upon by Mom. And Jim was the closeted foot fetishist pretending to belong. The client never knew any of that, but I knew. Dwight: [on phone with Jim] I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills Jimbo, because it's time for another episode of 'Handsome and Stinky, paper brothers for hire'. Jim: Sorry, Stinky, can't do it. Too busy. Dwight: Oh, god, this again? You're Stinky. Jim: Okay. There's no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something. Dwight: Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great great grandmother who died of stupidity. Phyllis: I have ears, Dwight. Dwight: Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. [back to Jim] See what you leave me with here, Jim? Jim: Hey, I'm in Philadelphia right now. Dwight: How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour. Jim: Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour? Dwight: Mmm. That's a good' question. 300 times' [Jim hangs up] 180' Um that comes to 25 minutes. [realizes Jim hung up] Yes. Oh, well, thank you Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you. Nellie: Darryl, looking good! Darryl: Heading to Philly. Interview with Jim's company. Pam: Hey, good luck. When you get to Philly, will you tell Jim I miss him? Darryl: Why don't you come along and tell him yourself? Pam: Ha ha. That'd be great. Kind of like ditching school, except instead of getting suspended, you get' What do you get? Oh my god! Why didn't I think of this? Andy's not here. Oh, hey, Erin, um, I'm expecting a shipment of pens. Can you cover that? Erin: Mhm. Cover that. What does that mean, exactly? What are we talking here? Details. Pam: A delivery guy will deliver a box of pens, and you just make sure everything's in order. Erin: What? Everything? What, how do I make sure it's in order? I [laughs] haven't been trained for this. Pam: [giggles] Okay, see you later. Clark: Hey guys. Phyllis: Clark! Meredith: Hey! Oscar: Hey, look who's back, Dwight Junior. Kevin: Hey, so how was it? I mean' the sex with Jan. Clark: A gentleman doesn't discuss such matters. Especially when the feelings of a lady are involved. Clark: Women reach their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week. I mean it was' like making love with a wild animal. But not like a cougar like you might think. It was uh' like a swarm of bees. Bees that just find something wrong with every hotel room. Meredith: Nothing wrong with being a gentleman. Like my mom used to say, 'Talk classy, act nasty'. Clark: What's with the wig Meredith? Meredith: What, is it on backwards? [partially removes wig, revealing her bald head] Clark: Nope, you got it. You fixed it. Uh, I have a gift from Jan. It's an espresso maker! We came to be quite fond of espresso on the Amalfi Coast so' bon appetite. Phyllis: Ooo! 16 types of espresso! Now that's Italian. Oscar: My friend has one of these. Fool-proof espresso every time. Meredith: Always with the friends Oscar. Can't we just enjoy the new espresso machine? Oscar: Actually, it's pronounced 'espresso'' Wait. That's what you said. I apologize, I just assumed you would mispronounce it. So' Dwight: There he is! [chuckles] We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the white pages. Prouder of me, but' Clark: If you really want to show appreciation, just give me half the commission. Dwight: Gosh, you know, I wish I could but, uh' No. Hey, listen, remember how everyone used to call you Dwight Junior and how much you loved that? Clark: [sarcastically chuckling] I loved it. Dwight: How would you like to pretend to by my son in order to land a sale? Clark: If it'll lead to me being a salesman, I'll pretend to be your friend. Dwight: Then looks like we have a deal' Son [holds up a suit identical to his] Erin: Hi guys! Pete: Hey, look who it is! Erin: Sorry. Super-busy. Pens coming in later, just grabbing a Java before all hell breaks loose. Oscar: Try this one. [handing Erin a cup of espresso] Erin: Thank you! [leaves the room] Erin: I don't really have time to think about Pete right now. I just have a lot going on with this whole shipment of pens. And I have a lot of people trusting me, and I would feel super guilty if I broke anyone's trust. About the pens. Pam: You ready for your interview? Darryl: I was born ready! No, I suck at interviews. I had Andy's job in the bag until my interview. Pam: Well, you shouldn't be nervous about this. This is a tiny start-up with a bunch of guys just as dorky as Jim. Darryl: Yeah, I guess' Pam: Really, you can't be scared of a room full of Jims. I love the guy, but he's basically Gumby with hair. [Darryl laughs] Suit Store Father: [chuckling] It's kind of funny, a father and son sales team meeting with a father and son suit store. Dwight: You know, you're right! We hadn't even thought of that, had we boy? [to Clark] Clark: No, we sure hadn't Pop. [both chuckling] Dwight: [Takes picture from desk] Oh! You're a hunter I see. Spend your early mornings out in the blinds, like Clarky and me. Huh? [grabs Clark's shoulder] Clark: He calls me Clarky 'cause he's my Dad. Dwight: Guilty! Suit Store Father: You don't meet many hunters these days. Clark: My dad is the best hunter there is. I mean, he's like a serial killer' of animals. One time, he snuck up behind a sleeping deer and just sawed its head right of. It was sick! [Dwight imitates sawing and blood spurting out of his neck, then makes a dying noise] Dwight: It was his birthday, just turned three. So' Suit Store Father: Ahh' Oscar: You guys, I kind of think I want to try them all. Is that crazy? Nellie: No. Look, without a taste test, how are we supposed to know which flavors we like to reorder? Kevin: Taste test? I'm in! Oscar: YOLO! [singing and dancing] Phyllis: What? [everyone is confused] Oscar: It's a thing. It means 'you only live once'. Kevin: Yeah, we're aware of what it means Oscar, you just do not look cool saying it. Oscar: Well' Kevin: Alright everybody, who's in? [everyone except Angela puts their hand in the middle of the group, like a huddle] Angela? [Angela shakes her head] Don't make us come over there. Angela: No, I don't' no. Kevin: Alright, let's go. [starts shuffling the whole group towards Angela] Angela: Can't I just agree without putting my hand in? Nellie: Absolutely not! Kevin: No way. Angela: Oh, fine. [puts a napkin on top of everyone else's hands and reluctantly puts her own hand on the napkin] Kevin: Ok guys, 'we all drink them all'. Everyone: [Meredith, Phyllis, Nellie, Angela, Creed, Oscar, Stanley] We all drink them all! Kevin: Yes! Oscar: Yes! Nellie: Whoo! Phyllis: Hey, where's my ring? Creed: I'm sure it'll turn up. Athlead Employee: [in the background] Yes ma'am, you want to go east on Franklin, take that all the way to Commonweath. You'll see us on the right side, you can't miss us. Dennis: 'And I want to reach every demographic possible. Jim: No, I hear what you're saying, and we will. The thing is, we gotta lock down this key demographic first. The rest will come, I promise. Just give me a couple weeks, alright? Dennis: We're talking weeks here, not months, right? Jim: Weeks. Always weeks. Man, the last time I talked months was like, a million weeks ago. Dennis: Alright. Good. Jim: Thanks Dennis, I appreciate it. [To Pam] Hey! How are you? Pam: Good! Jim: What are you doing here? Pam: I just wanted to see you! Jim: That's so great! Darryl: Damn! Jim, you got a real Facebook energy going on here man. You Zuckerberged this place out! Jim: It's pretty great, right? I mean, we're coming along' [to coworker] Hey, Wade, we gotta just push up Dennis's timeline Wade: Okay Jim: [back to Pam] Actually, you know what? Give me one second, okay? Make yourselves at home. Dwight: 'But I think that all of your concerns will be answered when you see the brochure that Clark's getting out of my car. He's a good boy, does whatever I say. Suit Store Father: [sighs] I can't relate to that, my son hates my guts. Dwight: Oh' really. Suit Store Father: Bring him into the business, and he resents me. How do you like that? Dwight: [fumbling] Well, things between me and Clark are good, but not great. In fact, I will say that they're not even good. Really, they're bad. Like you and your son. Clark: [enters] Here you go, Pop! I know it was just a couple minutes, but' God I missed you! Dwight: What took you so long? Were you loitering out there like a hooligan, smoking a doobie? Clark: [confused] I sure was. Just like he taught me, looking cool. Dwight: You're being disrespectful! Clark: 'And I love you, for saying that. Dwight: [whispers to Clark] We don't get along. Clark: [catches on] Ha ha! I just burned him. Because the truth is' our relationship is' terr- Dwight: Terrible! Clark: Terrible. Dwight: Yes! Genius. Stupid, stupid genius! Pam: Wow, this place is' so great. I had no idea ' on the phone, you made it sound kind of dinky. Jim: Well, I mean, I don't even have the paycheck yet. It is a startup, so' These things go down all the time. Darryl: If this company's going down, I wanna go down on it. With it. I wanna go down with it. Jim: [to Pam] Are you cool to just hang out? Pam: Sure, no problem. Jim: Yeah? [to Darryl] You ready? Darryl: Yeah. Jim: Let's do it! Erin: The pen delivery went amazing, and now I've got all these pens just waiting to be unpacked. But Pam did not tell me to unpack the pens, and I'm not one of those people who's just like, 'Uh, sure. I'll accept the pens when they come in, and then as soon as your back's turned, I unpack the pens and get all this credit as some great pen unpacker. On the other hand' they are just sitting here. Pam didn't tell me not to unpack them. Don't want to be a busybody, but I don't want to be a lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Ahh! My brain is ping-ponging around in my head right now, it's insane! I'm sorry, what was your question again? Oh yeah, no. I've never had an espresso before. They're good though. Nellie: A-bam! [slams espresso cup on table] My favorite is Viennese Amaretto. And the worst flavor I've tried so far is Alpine Select! Kevin: Yes! [giggles and picks up Angela] Angela: Ugh! Kevin: One! [as he picks Angela up in the air] Angela: Kevin! Kevin! Kevin! Kevin: Two' [picks Angela up again] Angela: Stop it! Kevin: Three' Oscar: That's enough Kevin. Angela: Stop it Kevin! Kevin: Four! Oscar: That's enough! Angela: Kevin! Clark: So for your menswear catalogue, I think we can offer you some very competitive pricing. Suit Store Father: I heard that before' Clark: Well, I understand, but ' Dwight: I bet you have. He knows nothing about what people have heard before, my son. Clark: Here we go again, another lecture from the old man. Suit Store Father: Listen to him. He created you. Dwight: Maybe if you listened a little bit, you'd improve. No wonder women despise you. Clark: Women don't despise me' Dwight: His last girlfriend was a transvestite. I knew it right away. Adam's apple like the prow of a ship, thumbs like a lowland gorilla. Ha, but this one couldn't see it, or didn't wanna see it. Clark: Alright, that's enough, 'cause I can say some things about him too. Dwight: Yeah? Like what? Clark: Like the time that you got drunk and, and then' Killed those kids on their way to prom! Dwight: That never happened. He's always been a liar. Ever since he was a little kid. He got caught 'saving treats' from the kitty litter box. Suit Store Father: Really shameful' Clark: So we can offer you matte or glossy printing- Dwight: Glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers. Clark: There's obviously a volume discount uh, if you- Dwight: Following the cat around on his knees with his hands cupped beneath its tail, going 'please kitty, may I have some more?' You can't make this stuff up! Clark: No, I think someone could make it up. Someone with very few friends. Suit Store Son: Hey fellas, sorry to keep you waiting. Suit Store Father: Here he is, my son. Dwight: [scoffs] Got cat turd collector written all over him. Suit Store Son: 'Did you say cat turd collector? Athlead Employee: ...So definitely looking to expand our market, but for now we're just concentrating on athletes that are popular here in the northeast. Of course, that's not a mandate. Darryl: 'Mandate'- Always think of two men on a date. [awkward moment] I have gay friends' I have one gay friend. [to Jim] Oscar? Jim: Mm-hm Athlead Employee: Alright, so what makes you think you'd be a good fit here? Darryl: [freezes] Ummm' [a moment later] Alright. Obviously y'all look really busy, and uh, I don't want to waste your time anymore. Sorry, I just uhh' Obviously I'm not qualified to be here man, I'm' I'm a warehouse manager, you know' Athlead Employee: Darryl, I was a newspaper editor. Female Athlead Employee: Science teacher, volleyball coach. 3rd Athlead Employee: I work at a home shopping network. 4th Athlead Employee: I'm a laywer. I'm the only one here who can honestly help. [group chuckles] Jim: And as you know, I was a paper salesman. [whispers to Darryl] Hey, I find it helps if you just picture everybody naked. [group overhears and chuckles] Darryl: Cool. Hey, thanks' Athlead Employee: So how about we start over, hmm? Darryl, do you have any thoughts on the company? Darryl: Yes, as a matter of fact, I uh' [pulls booklets from his bag] I wrote some down. There you go. [passes out booklets] Wow, this guy came prepared, it impresses me! [group laughs] Stanley: Ah! So, this is what 2:00 P.M. looks like around here! Stanley: I usually take a siesta about now. Pete: [to Erin] Stocking pens, huh? You're like the new office administrator. Erin: No, I just took over the pen shipment because Pam had to leave. When I say it out loud, I know that sounds insane, but it's the truth, I swear. Kevin: Pam! Pam, look out! Erin's gunning for your job! Erin: No, I'm not! [Kevin imitates gunfire] It's not like that at all! Forget it, I'm so sorry. Kevin: Pam, look out! Erin: Pens, you did not buy into this. I am sorry, what a day you've had. Athlead Employee: By the way, Jim talks about you all the time. Pam: That's sweet that he talks about me. Athlead Employee: It's too bad he still hast to work part time in Scranton though' Pam: Well, that's funny because I think of him as working part time in Philadelphia. Athlead Employee: We can't wait until you move here. Suit Store Son: I'm sorry, you guys are here to sell us paper? Dwight: Do you mind? The men are talking. Suit Store Father: Sons used to idolize their fathers. Dwight: Us old timers need to stick together. And how better than by signing a contract? Suit Store Father: I'd love to! Sam Junior here, he runs the business now. Kind of pushed me out, truth be told. I'm just here for human contract. Suit Store Son: Okay Pop' Dwight: Wait, so you're the boss? Suit Store Son: That's right. Clark: Hi, I'm Clark. Suit Store Son: Hey. Clark: Let's talk. Suit Store Son: Okay. Clark: So if you look at our catalog here' Athlead Employee: Well, thanks for coming down Darryl. Female Athlead Employee: It was nice meeting you Darryl, I think you'd fit in great here. Darryl: Yeah, yeah me too. I think it'd be like' You know what? [grabs basketball] I think it'd be like a Kevin Durant jump shot' Perfecto! [shoots basketball at hoop on wall, basketball misses and lands in fish tank, killing the fish] Oh my god' Pam: They're the ones who put a fish tank next to a basketball hoop. It's like if I put a glass of milk on the edge of the table and Cece knocks it over, I don't blame Cece. Darryl: So I'm like a three year old girl in this scenario' Pam: Say they don't hire you. It's not like you're out on the street. You have a great job with people who love you. Darryl: And I'd only get to see Jada on the weekends. You know, I'm' I'm not so sure I'd like living in Philadelphia. Pam: Right? Thank you! It's just Philly. Everyone's acting like it's New York or Paris or London. Darryl: Who needs it? Pam: Not us. Jim: [enters] Okay, so the consensus was that that was unique. They're going to make you pay for the fish, and' they wanted to know when you can start. Darryl: What? [Jim shrugs] How about yesterday? Pam: Congratulations. Darryl: Oh, thank you. Pam: I guess you gotta move to Philly after all. Darryl: Yes, I love Philly! Two-One-Five or die! Pam: No, I'm not upset. I'm really excited for Darryl' Maybe I'm a little disappointed that we'll be losing him. Kevin: It feels really hot in here. Is it hot in here? It feels really really hot in here. Oscar: It's insane! They need to have the A.C. on year round! January too! Angela: [banging on window] I don't get the point of this stupid window! Clark: I mean, look, you and I both know that in paper or fashion, styles change. Check out my dad's suit. You are looking at pure acrylic. That's why his face always breaks out. Suit Store Son: Does that suit come with a fire extinguisher? [Clark chuckles] Clark: You know what Dad? Maybe you should buy me a suit. I mean, I'm going to need one right? If I'm ever going to get a 'real job' and move my 'lazy ass' out of your 'G.D. house'. Suit Store Son: He's got you there' Suit Store Son: [to Clark in dressing room] That's Italian silk. Very comfortable. Very tasteful' Although expensive. Dwight: Yeah, you don't want Italian. You'll look like a mafia don. Next thing you know, you'll be doing life in Rikers Island. Clark: Well, that's better than looking like the undertaker from boring island. Dwight: That place doesn't exist. It's not a documented island. Ha ha, cartograph much? Clark: [emerges from dressing room wearing a sharp black suit] How do I look? Dwight: Actually' You look great. They steered you right. I guess it does make sense buying from a father son team. You know what? I'll take one too. Oscar: Everyone! Now that we have all this energy, why don't we move the copier into the annex like we've always wanted to? Nellie: Whoo! Meredith: Frickin' A! Oscar: Huh? Kevin: So long, noise! Oscar: One, two, three! [all gather around copier and push, tearing carpet beneath] Nellie: And we have torn up the carpet! Oh, we're going to be in so much trouble! Oscar: Wait! [looking at the hardwood floor beneath the carpet] It's beautiful. Hardwood! I always knew it was down here, I just never dreamed that I would actually see it. Meredith: Tear up the carpet! Nellie: Whoo! Darryl: Kill their fish, and they still hire me. That's how you do that, baby. It's all good, I'm ready. Y'all ready for this? [sings intro to 'Everybody dance now', points to Pam to sing first line] Pam: [reluctantly] Everybody dance now' [Darryl continues singing] Oscar: Kevin, move. I can't pull up the rug if you're standing on it with your rhinoceros feet. Kevin: Well I can't stand here if you pull the carpet out from under me. Angela: Oh, my head is killing me. Does anyone have a baby asprin? Nellie: Oh, enough with the whining already! Why don't you just have some more coffee? Stanley: It's all gone. I didn't get a chance to try them all because Creed poured my Bogota Sunrise in the plant. Creed: I saw the leaves twitch! Angela: Shut up! Creed: You shut up! Oscar: Everybody shut up and work! Phyllis: We don't work for you! Kevin: Yeah! Angela: Yeah! Stanley: Hey, it's five o'clock. [everyone leaves and a traffic backup occurs in the parking lot] Oscar: [with horns honking] Kevin, can- Angela: What's going on? Dwight: Yes! We did it! [leaving the suit store] Clark: You opened the door- Dwight: And you closed it. The boys are back in town. [high fives Clark] High fives! Ha ha! Clark: Hey, so all that really specific cat turd business, that was about you, right? Dwight: You got me! [tickles Clark and chuckles] I used to collect them! Clark: Why? Dwight: Each one is very different, like a snowflake. Pam: [shocked after seeing the torn up carpet] Hey' What happened here? Erin: You left me in charge of the pens, Pam. That's what happened. The pens happened. Pam: 'Are the pens here?

Dwight: Gotta clear out these file cabinets people, a lot of these are dead accounts. 'Scranton Mimeograph Corp?' I don't think we're doing business with them any time soon. That's odd. ��A letter from Robert Dunder. 'A valuable artifact has come into my possession. I have hidden it until such time as a person of strong intellect may safely recover it. This golden chalice is of immeasurable historical and religious significance.' The Holy Grail. Pam: [on phone]: Did you send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail? Jim: I think I'm a little too busy these days to s- [whispering] Oh ,my God. I did send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail. Jim: The Dunder Code! I completely forgot about that prank. That had to be like six or seven years ago. Stayed late every night for a month. Had a lot more free time back then. Kevin: I don't get it. Dwight: Aha! A lightbulb. Kevin: A lightbul- Dwight: A lightbulb. Okay. Okay. [holding note over lamp] Invisible ink. Kevin: Whoa. Dwight: 'Higher than numbers go.' The ceiling above accounting! Angela: Dwight! Down, Dwight! Dwight! Jim: [on phone]: Man, I wish I was there to see his face when he gets to the end ... Jim: ...and finds the... fake grail? No grail? Pam: You don't remember? Jim: I don't. Dwight: An 'X.' Oscar: Annex. It must open something in the annex. Dwight: Oh. Kevin: Whoa. Dwight: 'Sedes introiti.' Seat of entrance. Dwight: [shouts while cutting up seat cushion - gasps upon finding playing cards] Pete: What? Oscar: What? Kevin: That's a flush. All: [murmuring as Dwight holds up toy forklift] All: The warehouse. Pam: [on phone to Jim] There's nothing down here. Jim: Oh, I expected more from young Halpert. Dwight: Let's just forget it. Forget it. [warehouse worker dips donut into golden chalice] Nellie: So, how are we getting on with our grand social media initiative? Erin: Well, we created a fake profile for a really cool guy named Derek McBlack. Nellie: Wow. Erin: It's just Pete in sunglasses. Nellie: Oh. Erin: And then we had him 'Like' Dunder Mifflin. Pete: Then we created a bunch of fake friends for Derek, and we had all of them 'Like' Derek's 'Likes.' Erin: So far, we're only popular with imaginary people, but we think this is the start of something big. Nellie: You two are geniuses. And I am a genius putting you two together. Erin: All right. Erin: Pete and I work well together - not that there's anything special about Pete. It could be any guy... or girl- not that I'm into girls. Not that I'm into Pete. Ugh! What was the question? Jim: Hey. Co-worker: Hey Jim. Peter Rowley at Bridgeport Capital requested a meeting at lunch. Jim: Okay. Can we keep it on the early side, though? I got that thing in Scranton later. Co-worker #2: Uh sure. No problem. Jim: Cece's ballet recital is today. I cannot wait. I've been working with her on her move. It's called the Cece Spin and Kiss. Do you want to see it? It's kind of like this. It's pretty cute, right? Dwight: Pfft, 'Athlead'? Please. They're too lazy to call it Athletes Lead? Jim should just call it 'Stumpany,' for 'Stupid Company.' Darryl: Nothing stupid about working for yourself. Hanging out with pro athletes, getting free tickets to the games. That's why I'm doing it. Dwight: You're working for 'Stumpany' too? Darryl: Yeah, just weekends for now, but pretty soon, I'm switching over. Dwight: What? Darryl: Yep. Dwight: [on phone] Hey, Halpert, what's the big idea? First you jump ship. Now you're stealing Darryl too. When will it end? Jim: Well, take your worst fear and multiply it by infinity. Dwight: You won't stop until you've poached us all. Jim: Yeah. Even you. Dwight: No. I'll be damned if I'm gonna let us lose me. Jim: Bye, Dwight. Jim: Hi. How are ya? Good to see you. Pam: Hey, Angela? Did you hear about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural? Kevin: Ooh, I haven't heard it. So, what about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural? Potato? Pam: Oh, no, Kevin, it's not a joke. Angela's husband put me up for a- um, just never mind. Angela: I have no information. But I'm sure as soon as they know, they'll call you. Pam: Senator Lipton helped me submit my design for a new mural on a building downtown. Now I'm just waiting to hear from the selection committee. But, you know, let's be realistic. There are a ton of great artists in Scranton with way more experience. I mean, who are they gonna go with - some nobody like me or a big name like Tracy Fleeb? Pam: Well, I'm heading out to Cece's dance recital. Oscar: Aw. Pam: Hey, Cece, Daddy's gonna have dinner with us tonight after he comes to your recital. Are you excited? Cece: Yeah. Pam: Let's call him. Jim: Hey. I was just about to call you. Pam: Hey, Hon, are you close? Jim: I am still in Philly, actually. Pam: What? Jim: It's insane. This huge investor got cold feet, so I'm stuck here trying to keep him on board. Pam: Hon, I wish you would have told me an hour ago, when you knew you weren't gonna make it. Jim: Pam, I couldn't get out. I barely made it out just to make this phone call. Cece: I want Daddy. Jim: You're gonna do great. And you know what? Mommy's gonna record it. So we'll watch it together. Do you mind doing that, Pam? Pam: Of course. Jim: Okay. Are you sure you know how to do video on the phone? Pam: Yes, Jim, I think I know how to point a rectangle at something. Jim: Okay, okay, you know, just sometimes you're not the best with the phone. Pam: I know how to operate my phone, okay? Listen, we're getting close. We will talk to you later. Say, 'Bye, Daddy.' Cece: Bye, Daddy. Jim: Bye. ��[pause] Yep. See, you've still got to press 'End,' Pam. Cece: Press 'End.' Pete: Oh, check it out. This is our first real 'Like.' Erin: Oh, my gosh! Pete: Oh! All right, Alan Olson from North Dakota. He also likes Hammermill and Georgia Pacific. Erin: Wow. That guy's really into paper. Pete: Yeah. Nellie: Well done, you two. Erin: We did it. Youth task force forever. Pete: Yes. Pete: [doing a series of hand bumps with Erin] Bap, bup, bup, bap. Wait. Did I go first and then you? Erin: No, you go - okay. Pete: All right, all right.Okay, start over. Nellie: Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh God. Andy has just started to be nice to me, I just sent his girlfriend into the arms of a younger man. '��Our social media presence should be hot, hot, hot. Go at it vigorously.' I did everything but unzip their pants for them. Oh, God, Nellie. Dwight: Hey, everybody. Uh, coffee order is going around - on me. Just sign your name below. All: [murmuring] Dwight: You're welcome. Phyllis: Wait. This says 'Dunder Mifflin Loyalty Pledge'? Dwight: This - uh, what? Double mocha latte, please? You got it. Just sign your name below. Whatever you want. Oscar: 'Loyalty pledge'? Darryl: Come on, Dwight, stop overreacting. I'm getting all my work done here. No customers have complained. Nobody even knows. Dwight: Yeah, we'll see about that. Dwight: Bust out your complaint files. I need everything you've got on Darryl since he started working for Jim in the last few weeks. Break it down by keyword, okay? 'Infuriating, irresponsible'... Clark: They got us set up with Windows 95, ��so you're kind of dreaming here. Dwight: Okay, I'm gonna need you to print it out. Dwight: [writing on white board] Customer Loyalty. What is it? Can you hold it in your hand? Can you nudge it with your finger? Can you dump it on a woman? No. Why? Because it's an idea. But what does it mean? Kevin: Ooh, it's when you get a free sandwich after you've already eaten ten sandwiches. Dwight: Not even close. Mr. Romanko has been a client for 20 years. He came in today in a rage. Why? Because of Darryl. Because Darryl was focusing on outside projects and needs to remember his first priority- the client. Mr. Romanko: I wouldn't say a rage. Darryl: Mr. Romanko, we were a day late on one of your deliveries, but two of our trucks were down for repairs. It's very unlikely it would happen again. Mr. Romanko: Thank you. Thank you. Dwight: No, you're not going anywhere, okay? You are angry, and we are gonna hear you out, all right? Because business is about relationships, and the key to relationships is what, Darryl? ��L- Darryl: Loyalty. Dwight: Loyalty. Nellie: Loyalty is exactly right. Dwight: Thank you. Nellie: Yes. I mean, it is everything. Let's all ask ourselves, have we been faithful in our relationships? Stanley: That's none of your damn business. Nellie: Darryl is 'dating' Dunder Mifflin. Darryl: Darryl is dating Val... still. Nellie: But he's flirting with Jim's company on the side. And we all know what flirting can lead to. Mr. Romanko: I'm sorry. Do I still need to be here? Dwight: Yes. Nellie: I'm having a bit of trouble understanding the importance of loyalty. So let's- let's use an example. Take Erin. Erin's boyfriend Andy, is away across the ocean. Dwight: Yeah. Nellie: So is it all right for her to flirt with Creed, for example? Creed: Let's try it out. Nellie: No, let's- let's- let's not say Creed. Let's say Mr. X. Angela: Well, I think it would be immoral for Erin to cheat on Andy. Erin: Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't you cheat on Andy? Angela: Yes. And he didn't like it. Phyllis: Does Mr. X know that Erin has a boyfriend, or did Erin keep that from Mr. X? Kevin: Okay, this is really hard to follow. Can we just say Pete because that's the guy that Erin's flirting with? Dance Teacher: Ladies and gentlemen, the Little Ladybug Ballerinas. Ballerinas: One, two, three. Parent in Audience: Really? Pam: Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. Ballerinas: One, two, three. Pam: [whispering] Hello? Yes, this is Pam Halpert. I got the mural? [Loudly] Oh, my God! Audience: Shh! Pam: [whispering] Um, I'm sorry. I have to go. My daughter's a ladybug. I know that doesn't make any sense. Um, thank you, thank you. Parent in audience #2: You're very rude. Parent in audience #1: Yes, very rude. Pam: Shh! Kids are dancing. Dwight: Thank you so much for coming. Darryl and I will be here to serve you for years and years and years and years. [chuckles] So, should we go call Jim and tell him to go screw himself? Darryl: Dwight, look, I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this, okay? Athlead is my future. No disrespect to Dunder Mifflin, but if I can have fun at work, I want that. Dwight: It can't be more fun than selling paper and paper products. Darryl: It can. Dwight: Are you pretending to be crazy, huh? Phyllis: Well, Andy's cute, but he's too vanilla, whereas Pete - he's just one sick dude. I mean, you know this guy likes to get weird. Erin: I'm just gonna say this one more time. Pete and I haven't done anything. Meredith: Yeah right. With slammin' bods like that, they ain't playing checkers. Oscar: People, it's 2013. Erin is a strong, independent woman. Who says she has to end up with any man? Erin: Okay, can everyone please stop speaking for me? Andy is my boyfriend. Pete and I are just friends. And that's the end of it. Right, Pete? Pete: That is correct. Come on, guys, where is this even coming from? Kevin: Your feelings for Erin? Probably your heart... and a little bit your penis. All: [groan] Erin: Nellie, you have to shut down the task force. I'm not sure if you need to start a new task force to do that, but please just shut down the task force. Nellie: I suppose that will- that will be all right, yeah. Nellie: Most relationships eventually die on their own, but sometimes they just need a little pillow over the face. You're welcome, Andy. And you're welcome, my own ass. Investor: Listen, I appreciate you taking the time with me. Co-worker: Peter, please. We completely understand your concerns here. Let us just show you the latest projections. Jim? Jim: Uh, Wade actually has those on the road, but he's gonna be calling in with those numbers any second. So just hold on one s- Jim: Oh, actually... uh, nope. That is my wife. Again, he'll be calling in any second. Pam: [on phone] Hey, uh, give me a call back when you get a chance. Cece did great, and I want to tell you something. Lonnie: Hey boss, you gotta jump on a delivery. Darryl: I don't do that anymore. Lonnie: That's what they told me. Darryl: [sighs] Darryl: All right, let's get this over with. Dwight: You looking for fun? It just found you! Woo! [laughs] Here we go! Yeah! Dwight: Yes, we will be delivering a shipment of paper today, but I will also be delivering you a big shipment of fun! Darryl: How far is this place? [turns off radio] Dwight: Uh, not far at all, but I thought along the way, we could play some sports. [throws small ball at Darryl] Darryl: Fun. Toby: Hey, really nice job in that meeting in there. Nellie: Oh, thank you. I don't know, I sort of thought- Toby: [hugging Nellie] So proud of you, Hon. Nellie: Oh, I don't know. Okay. Toby: I'm just curious though, what do you have against Pete and Erin? Nellie: Well, Andy wrote me a really nice recommendation letter for the adoption agency, and I- I just sort of felt I owed him one. Toby: Pete's a pretty cool guy, though, and Andy was a terrible lover to Erin. He basically ignored her and left on a boat. Nellie: I didn't really think about it like that. Toby: Yeah, well... Not everybody has what we have. Nellie: 'What we have'? Toby: Mm-hmm. Nellie: I just remembered... I kissed that man. Oh, no. Oh, no. Dwight: Yes. Fast food. I'll take a burger over a gross Philly cheese-steak any day. Darryl: They have fast food in Philly. Dwight: Not like this. Darryl: Exactly like this. Fast Food Worker: And your milkshake. Dwight: Thank you. Darryl: It's 30 degrees out. You drinkin' a mildshake? Dwight: Nope. [throwing milkshake] Fire in the hole! [laughs] Oh, yeah! Now that's what working at a paper company's all about! Dwight: Wait, what you doing? No, I need the k- We have to go. Darryl: You just threw a milkshake in a restaurant where they make minimum wage. Dwight: It's a youtube thing! Let's go. Let's go. Come on, they're coming. Pam: Anyone want to see the video from Cece's recital? Angela: Oh, I would love to, but I am swamped... with that [picks up piece of paper]. Oscar: I'll watch it. Let's get this over with. Pam: All right, you don't have to. Kevin: Let's get this over with, Pam. Pam: Okay. Oscar: Oh. Pam: Wait. What? Pam: [recorded on phone] Excuse me, I have to get back to work. Pam: Oh, no. I took a phone call in the middle of taping, and then when I went to turn it back on, I must have turned it off. Oscar: User error. I've heard of that happening to other people. Angela: Oscar, don't rub it in. I'm sure Pam is already kicking herself for choosing a phone call over her child. Pam: Well, it was an important phone call. Pam: I haven't told anyone here about the mural yet. I want Jim to be the first to know. Whenever I tell him good news, he's always like, 'Beesly!' I love that. Only thing better than getting the job- 'Beesly!' [chuckles] Pete: Hey. Erin: Hello, Peter. Dwight: [cleaning up milkshake in restaurant] It barely even feels like a prank anymore. Darryl: You missed a spot. Drive Thru Customer: Fire in the hole! [throwing milkshake] Go! Go! Go! Go! [tires screech] Dwight: Ha ha! Yeah, joke's on you buddy! They make you come back and clean it up! Nellie: I am sorry that was so awkward for you two in that meeting. But I am going to have to reassemble the youth task force. Erin: Oh, no, I really don't think that's a good idea. Nellie: Well, that is not your call. I made the decision. You have no choice in the matter, and everybody knows it. Pete: Well, okay, then. Erin: I guess we don't have a choice. Nellie: Nope. Pete: yeah. Erin: Yeah. Toby: Lady...you never stop surprising me. Dwight: [sighs] Darryl: [clears throat] Dwight: What? What was that? Did I just hear you laughing with glee? Darryl: No. I was clearing my throat. Meredith: Good night. Pam: Night Creed: Night Pam: Night, Creed. Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: So, how's it going? Jim: We lost Bridgeport Capital. I have no idea what happened. It's like everything I did, he just wouldn't go for it. Pam: I'm so sorry. Jim: I have no idea where we're gonna come up with this money, and we have to work insanely hard over the next few weeks. Pam: [sighs] Oh, I'm sorry. I feel like you've already been working insanely hard. Jim: Can you figure out how to upload Cece's dance recital? I definitely could use a pick-me-up. Pam: Um, actually, funny story - I didn't get it. I shouldn't have been so cocky about my rectangle-holding skills after all. Jim: You're not serious, are you? You didn't get any of the recital? Pam: No, I got the teacher introducing them and then the applause afterwards. But not so much of the middle part. Jim: Come on, Pam. Pam, I asked you if you could use the phone, and you swore that you knew how. Pam: Yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I'm sure we can get a copy. A lot of people were taping it. Jim: Oh, great. So we'll see somebody else's kid with Cece in the background? I mean, it's really not that hard to film a video. Pam: Is there- um... you want to ease up a little bit? Jim: Look, Pam, I don't know what to tell you. I mean, what do I do? It's gone. That moment's just gone. I missed it. Pam: I don't know, Jim - maybe you should have been there. Jim: You're not serious, right? I mean, how is that fair? I'm in Philly. These are my days in Philly. You've agreed to this. Pam: You know what? I- I- I don't think you want to start a conversation with me about what's fair. Okay? This is way more intense than I ever - Jim: Pam, I'm not explaining this to you- Pam, I'm not going over this again. Co-worker: Jim. We need you. Jim: I don't know how else to tell you, okay? I'm doing everything I can every week to bring home something... Pam: I am- I am- I am trying to make everything perfect here, okay? So that you can have everything that you want. Jim: I'm doing this just for me? Is that what I'm doing? I'm doing it just for me. If that's what you think, then this is a really sad night. But you know what? I got to go. Okay? Pam: Yep. Jim: We'll talk tomorrow? Pam: Yep. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Jim: Okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Pam: Bye. [quietly crying, sniffling] Brian: Hey, you okay? Pam: What am I doing wrong, Brian? Brian: Nothing. You're doing the best you can. Cameraman: Brian. Brian: Give her a minute. Give her a minute. Pam: [crying] Brian: Hey, it's just a tough situation, all right? Pam: It's getting tougher. I just didn't know that it was gonna be this hard. Brian: Yeah. Let's turn the cameras off. Seriously, guys. Enough. Enough. Pam: Thank you. Guy: [on video] Fire in the hole! Go! Go! Go! Go! Darryl: [watching you tube video, laughing] Guy: [on video] I nailed that guy, dude. Oh yeah. Darryl: And replay. Guy: [on video] Fire in the hole! Go! Go! Go! Go! I nailed that guy, dude. Oh, yeah. Darryl: [sighs] I'm gonna miss the paper business.

Pam: Hey Brian, you got a sec? Brian: Yeah, hold on a sec. Pam: I feel awful. Brian: It's fine. It was my first slip up in nine years of miking you. [phone rings] Erin: [in background] Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin. Pam: Well, thanks for being a good friend. Brian: Sure, anytime. Uh, how about you and Jim? Everything squared away? Pam: Yeah, mostly. Erin: Pam, phone call. Pam: Um, hey, say Hi to Alyssa. Brian: Will do. Pam: Okay. Thank you. Brian: Sure. Meredith: Hey, boom guy. Brian: Oh, hey Meredith. Meredith: When are you gonna boom me? Brian: Uh, listen, they're cracking down on us talking to the subjects. It's a lame rule, but, you know, I wanna' I, I'll see you later. Meredith: Got it. Clark: Hey, so I hear you're bringing in some people to interview for the sales job? Dwight: That's right, a couple of old friends. Ballers only. Must be this cool to ride. Clark: Well, uh' see, you raised it. Dwight: Oh, did I? Oh, yes, I did. Dwight: Wallace is letting me hire a junior sales associate to sit at Jim's desk while he's away in Philly. Finally I'll have someone at my desk clump who gets me. It's like, 'Really, Jim? You don't understand the difference between a slaughterhouse and a rendering plant? Uh, remind me not to lend you any dead cows or horses.' Wow. Clark: You know what, man? I deserve this job. Dwight: Mm-hmm. Clark: I scored Stone and Son Suit Warehouse with you, and God knows, to get the Scranton White Pages with Jan, I went above and beyond' and under. Dwight: You know what? You're gonna get your interview, okay? I know that you're going head-to-head against some real superstars, but you got a really good chance. Dwight: Clark has no chance. I mean, he's up against my buddy Rolf, for God's sake. Guy goes fishing with hand grenades. And Trevor ' he'll make you laugh so hard, you'll puke your pants. Clark: This sucks, you know? You put in 12 grueling weeks at a company, and what do they do? They make you compete for a promotion, like an animal. You know, I thought this was an office, not the Thunderdome. Dwight: Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam. Jim: You could've just called that an alliance too, right? Dwight: I chose my words very carefully. Jim: Things are a little delicate with me and Pam right now. And if my working in Philly is gonna end up doubling the Dwight in her life, that's only gonna make things worse. Clark: [sighs] You interviewing for the sales job too? Rolf: No. You're interviewing for it. I'm getting it. Clark: Well, I wouldn't be so sure about that. I mean, I've been working here 12 weeks. That's a full season of Homeland. A ton of things can happen in that amount of time, as we've seen. Rolf: I'm Rolf. Rolf Ahl. Clark: Rolf Ahl? Sounds kinda like Roald Dahl. Rolf: Go to hell. Clark: There he is. Dwight: Hey. Come on, buddy. Let's do this. Sorry, Rolf goes first. You don't compare. When you're with the R-O-L-F, you're literally Rolling on the Laughing Floor. [laughs] Rolf: Nice. Dwight: Rolf is my best friend, and he is the man. Cool, calm, and collected 24/7. Just try and rattle Rolf. I dare you. Such a sweet guy. Pam: When are you talking to David Wallace? Jim: I'm talking to him this afternoon, but don't get your hopes up. Pam: Too late. My hopes are up. Jim: Last week, my company in Philly lost a big investor, so we're scrambling to find new funding. Luckily, my partners have a fix ' me asking the boss of the company I'm abandoning to give us a gigantic influx of cash. So' problem solved. Thanks, guys. Dwight: And this chair's gonna be yours. And this desk. Ha! Jim: I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone. Dwight: No doy! Jim: I'm just gonna call you back. Thanks. Rolf: I hope you like Norwegian black metal, because I don't do earbuds. Dwight: [laughs] No earbuds! [both laugh] Jim: I'm sure he's just nervous. Pam: [sighs] It's fine. It's just a seating arrangement. Doesn't matter. Dwight: So I've got your resume here, but it's not telling me everything. Rolf: Well, a lot of that information is private. How do I know you're qualified to evaluate me? Dwight: Well, I'm the one offering the job. Rolf: What are your credentials? Dwight: I've worked here for 12 years. I won salesman of the year. I'm an Assistant to the Regional Manager. Rolf: I think I've heard everything I need to hear. Dwight: Wait, wait, wait, no, I mean, if you need to know more, you can call David Wallace. I'm sure he'd give a reference. Rolf: Thank you, Dwight. I'll be in touch. Dwight: Well, they can't all be winners. But Trevor's next and he's a real professional. You say, 'Jump,' and he says, 'Oh who?' He loves to jump on people, that Trevor. Dwight: What makes you think you'd be an effective paper salesman? Trevor: Ooh, okay. Didn't see that one coming. Can I take a 20 on that? Maybe we can circle back around to it. Dwight: Well, it's a pretty basic question for a potential paper salesman. Trevor: Pass. Next one. Dwight: All right. Do you see yourself as more of a team player or a self-starter? Trevor: No, no and no. Dwight: There were only two options. Trevor: Checkmate. You win this one, my friend. Do you validate parking? Dwight: This is a bus transfer. Trevor: [chuckles] Nothing gets by this guy. Clark: Hey Jim, do you mind if I look over these price sheets before my interview? Jim: Sure, yeah, go ahead. Clark: Thanks, dude. You'you sure it's okay? 'Cause you're kinda' Jim: Yeah, absolutely. Do people like sitting next to you? You're clean, right? Clark: Oh, Dove Men. Jim: Nice. Music. Do you listen to it in earbuds? You don't listen to it at all because we're at work, not a Florence and the Machine concert, so' Clark: Yeah, could I just have a minute to prepare for this? Jim: Sure, yeah. Do whatever you need to do. Clark: Thanks, dude. Jim: Right after you do one thing for me. I need you to breathe in my face. Clark: Why? Jim: I need you to breathe in my face right now. Clark: [exhales] Jim: What are we working with, peppermint or wintergreen? Clark: Wintergreen. Jim: I knew it, I knew it. Clark: Yeah, good nose. Jim: I looked at you coming around, and I said, 'Wintergreen.' Dwight: I can't hire Clark. Yeah, he looks like a Schrute, but he thinks like a Halpert and he acts like a Beesly. Dwight: Okay, here's one. A customer who ordered enough paper to qualify for a volume discount now wants to return half the stock. You can't rebate the sales price or credit for future purchases because you brokered the deal for a third party. Clark: That's just a classic no-win situation. Dwight: Thank you. Clark: So I'd Kobayashi Maru it. Dwight: Damn it! Perfect answer, again. Clark: Yep. Dwight: Think Dwight, think. You have a ream of 16-bond ' Clark: You know what, Dwight? Dwight: And anoth' Clark: This interview's over, and I get the job. I just Kobayashi Maru'd the whole process. Dwight: No. Clark: Yeah. Star Trek rules. Dwight: It does, but still no. Clark: Come on, man. I mean, did Trevor do that? Did Rolf do that? Dwight: Oh, you think they're my only friends? I've got way more friends than that, and they're all better than the losers who work here. Stanley: This is not natural. Oscar: Just ' I don't wanna make assumptions based on people's physical appearances. Pam: Well, of course not, but does physical appearance include smell? Darryl: They smell so bad. Meredith: If I ever get that bad, you'd tell me, right? Kevin: Meredith, I tell you all the time. Meredith: [chuckles] Walked right into that one. Dwight: Next up, my cousin Mose. Mose could make a great paper salesman. He's got a natural fear of paper, which would motivate him to get as much of it out of this office as possible. I've got big expectations, Mose-wise. Dwight: What quality would make you a good sales associate? Mose: People person. Dwight: It says here on your resume that you spent the last 15 years as a sales rep for Dow Chemical. Mose: That's right. Dwight: You know we live together, right? Mose: Yes. Dwight: And I've never seen you go to work, ever. Mose: Okay. Dwight: So why is this on your resume? [door slams] Clark: So how'd you guys hear about the position? Gabor: My'my mom. Nate: Dwight called my house, but he didn't realize that I had already moved out, because my mom and I are quarrelling because I- I can't stay out of her stuff. Zeke: Dwight's my cousin, so I overheard him telling my brother Mose about the job opportunity in the shower. Clark: You were in the shower or he was in the shower? Zeke: Everyone was in the shower. It's a cow shower, so there's like, a ton of people in there. Clark: So you guys all know Dwight already? Melvina: I was his babysitter, and then we dated for a while. He was a passionate lover and the sweetest little baby. Gabor: I knew you looked familiar. You used to pick up Dwight from school. Melvina: You went to X-Men school too? [exhales] Clark: X-Men school? Dwight: When I was young, I spent several years at a private school where I was told I would be taught to harness my mutant abilities. Turned out it was a conman copying Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters from the X-Men comic books. Took me years to figure out that it was a con. Some people never figured it out. Gabor: Oh, I have a few powers. Night hearing. Dogs understand where I point. And our training included picking carrots, scrubbing tubs, sewing imitation Levi's. A lot of telemarketing. Angela: I don't want to sit near any of those people for the next 20 years. Someone say something. Stanley: I said something when they were thinking of hiring Jim. Didn't work then. And now look what he's doing to us. Nellie: Yeah, Jim, this is all your fault. Jim: How is it my fault? Nellie: Here's an exercise for you, Jim. Imagine there are consequences to your actions. Imagine the whole world does not revolve around this. There are others. Jim: But it's Dwight who's bring in all the weirdos. Oscar: Yeah, but Jim, Dwight's a weirdo. We can't blame a weirdo for bringing in weirdos. We can blame a normal for creating a situation where a weirdo was allowed to bring in weirdos. Pam: Hey, I'm the one who has to sit next to this weirdo when Jim's away. I'm in a position where I'm rooting for Nate, and that just feels wrong. [sighs] Forget it. I need to work on my mural. I have some pointy trees that I need to round off. David Wallace: [on phone] Hey Jim, I thought our call was for later. Jim: Yeah, this is actually about the new sales guy. Uh, Dwight has brought in a bunch of real weirdos. And I was wondering if I could have some input' Dwight: [presses speaker button] This is Dwight Schrute. Who am I speaking to? And don't lie. I can tell if you're lying. David Wallace: Hey, Dwight. It's David. Dwight: David. David Wallace: Jim says he'd like some say in the hiring process. Dwight: Really? That's interesting. 'Cause I was thinking that since Jim is only here part time, he might not be as invested in the decision-making process as someone like me who's here every day. And frankly, killing it lately. Jim: I was just thinking that because this person is gonna be sitting at my desk, near my wife' David Wallace: Jim, another thing. Since we are gonna have to hire this junior sales associate to cover for you, I am going to have to pay you only for the days that you actually work. Jim: Oh. Um' David Wallace: Yeah. Jim: Okay. I can't say that that's not fair. Dwight: Sounds fair to me, David. David Wallace: And I know we have a call scheduled for later ' Jim: Oh, yeah, so we'll just do that later. Dwight: No. Why not do it now? David Wallace: Yeah. What's up Jim? Jim: Uh' [clears throat] Well, it's about Athlead. I'm sorry. Does Dwight have to be on this part of the phone call? Dwight: I'd love to be in the loop, David. David Wallace: It's okay. Go ahead, Jim. Jim: There's a very exciting opportunity to be a core investor ' David Wallace: Okay. Jim, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Jim: Yes, okay. Bye. Dwight: [whispers] I'd love to invest. Jim: No, thanks. Dwight: I'd like to give you $100 million. [snickers] [phone ringing] Hide: Why you make trees into bushes? You don't make paper from bushes. Pam: Hide, they're giving out jobs upstairs. Why don't you go up and get one? Hide: Thank you. Pam: Yeah. Troy: Whoops. Zeke: [patting Darryl's hair] It's dense. Like bread. Jim: Dwight, you can't just hire someone 'cause they're your friend. Dwight: I'm not. These people are the best of the best. I find talent an attractive quality in a friend. Nellie: They're freaks, Dwight. All your friends are weirdos and freaks. Dwight: You know who else was a freak? Spider-man. And he was also a hero. Darryl: Your friends are like Spider-man, if he had gotten bitten by a spider and then got really into masturbating. Wolf: Man, how cool is it gonna be when I start working here? Paintball fights at lunch. Dwight: Mandatory paintball. Uh, wolf, please report to the parking lot for mandatory paintball at lunch. Dwight: Wolf is hilarious. He has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. Half of 'em, we were on the same team. Oh my God. How I screamed. Ah, that goof. Dwight: Sell me this piece of paper. Watch this. Wolf: Do you want this paper? Dwight: I sure do. Wolf: It's not very good. Dwight: I will pay you whatever it takes. Wolf: I think I wanna keep it now. It must be pretty special if you want it so bad. Dwight: No, you have lots of other pieces of paper that are just like it. So here, just take my money. Wolf: Stop trying to get my paper buddy. Okay read my lips. It's over. Dwight: Okay. Good. That was great. So. Wow. You're still at the 570 number? Wolf: I am. Dwight: Okay. Good, good, good. [sighs] Hide: I have eight years experience selling electronics in Sanyo store in downtown Tokyo. I was a doctor. And I have a business degree from Tokyo University. Dwight: This isn't gonna work out. Hide: Thank you. [chuckles] Dwight: Nate is a proven entity, but not without his handicaps; hearing, vision, basic cognition. Trevor is great, but I saw no fire in him today. And this is a guy who loves to start fires. Troy is literally one of a kind. He's a goblin, or a hobbit, or a kobold, which is a type of gremlin. And yet I'm hesitant. Why can't I pull the trigger on any of them? Dwight: [groaning] No, no, no. I just need to tell them. I just need to tell them. [knock at door] Melvina: Do you need to be changed? Dwight: I do that myself now. Melvina: Mm. Are you going to make a decision soon? I've been double-parked for five hours. I'm wondering if I should move my car. Dwight: No, you've been towed by now. They tow after about 45 minutes. Melvina: Well, the joke's on them. I live right next to the tow yard. All they did was save me some gas. Trevor: Hey man, we get how difficult this is. And no matter how you choose, we're still gonna be your friend. Wolf: Yeah, whether it's me or Troy Underbridge, or Gabor, or Melvina' Dwight: Or none of you [chuckles] Wolf: Yeah, you'd bring us all down here, put us through the wringer and then choose none of us. Trevor: Can you imagine how insulting that would be? The contempt that a person like that would have to have for you. Dwight: I wish I could hire all of you. Zeke: I could start Monday. Dwight: Psst. Jim Jim? [whispering] Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around. Jim: Ahh, I love staring off in one direction. If I'm not looking south, I'm not livin'. That's what I always say. Dwight: Just act natural. [grunts] Dwight: And I was thinking it's only fair that you help make this decision since they'll be sitting at your desk next to your wife. Jim: But you know I wouldn't hire any of these all-stars. Dwight: Aah! God, that sucks! Aah! What are you gonna do? I mean, it's your call. Jim: Nope. Your friends not turning out to be as great as you thought? Not even Gabor? Dwight: I guess I just have higher standards for my work colleagues than for my friends. I just couldn't picture any of them in the old gold and gray. Jim: I knew it. You designed a uniform for Dunder Mifflin. Dwight: Summer. Winter. Jungle. Formal. Jim: Well, I for one, was amazed at how qualified everyone was. You? Dwight: Yes. Thank you. Amazed. Jim: And I gotta say, this was a tough decision. And we had to go with none of you. Sensei Ira: I'm sorry? Dwight: What? This is such bullcrap! Jim: Well, you know, Wallace put me in charge, so you have no say. Dwight: Wow. So much crap. It's just a load of B.C. How could you do this to them? Jim: Too much now. Dwight: Okay. Nate: Do we get our resumes back or do you keep them? Because I only have the one, and I have a chili recipe on the back that I really wanna keep. Dwight: Okay, this is an outrage. Ugh! You know what? This is Jim Halpert's home address, in case you guys wanna toilet paper his house or whatever. Jim: That seems inconsiderate. Rolf: No. We get it. Thanks so much for the opportunity, Dwight. Don't open any suspicious packages you may receive. No, wait. Do open them. Totally safe. Dwight: Guys, it wasn't up to me. Rolf, come on. Guys, it wasn't my choice! I would have hired all of you! Gabor, Gabor. Trevor: Well, my day's shot. Rolf: Yeah, it's that weird hour where it's too late to start a slow roast and too early for a Swanson's. Wolf: I got it. Paintball. Dwight: Oh, that sounds awesome. Can we wait till I get off work? Trevor: [yelling] And what are we supposed to do until then? Dwight: Okay. Wolf: Let's just go, you guys. Rolf: Yeah. No limit on weapons class, right? Jim: All right. I think that went well. Jim: So, uh, if you just take a look at this, and then that'll print out'Hey. Meet your new desk mate. Clark: What's up good lookin'? Pam: Oh, cool. Hey Clark. Jim: Trust me, this is the least of all evils. It took me all day to pull this off, so you should be thrilled, considering. Pam: Yeah, I guess. I mean, I kinda liked my old desk mate. Jim: Okay. I'm really sorry I told the guys I'd be there for the board meeting. Pam: Of course. Jim: I'll call you when I get there. Pam: Okay. Jim: All right. Pam: Bye. Jim: Take care of my wife. I will be back. Dwight: They say that everyone outgrows their friends at some point in their lives. Well I just outgrew them all in the span of three hours. Clark: Hey, Pam, I'm going to the kitchen. You want anything? Pam: I'm good. Dwight: Oh, hey, I'll take a coffee. Clark: Oh, I'm sorry. You gotta be this cool for coffee. Dwight: [scoffs] Pam: Hey, Dwight. Wanna haze the new guy? Dwight: Who, me? Pam: Us. Dwight: Absolutely, I do. [giggles] Pam: Okay. Okay, here. Okay, so the next time he goes to the bathroom, I'll distract him, you take that. Dwight: Okay, yeah, I know what to do. Okay. Oh, that's great. Pam: [shushes] Pam & Dwight: [laughs] Dwight: Aah! Clark: No! Dwight: Welcome to the club, pig! [laughs] Pam: No, Dwight! Dwight: Aah! Jim: No, it does matter who ends up sitting next to Pam when I'm gone. The people around you are basically who you end up spending your life with. I mean, because of where my desk was, I spent all those years looking at Pam, and I fell in love. So, that stuff matters. Definitely does.

Nellie: Have you seen Darryl? Erin: He's around here somewhere. Nellie: Mmm. [exits, Erin smiles deviously] Erin: Yeah, Darryl's here. So is Santa Claus. It's just a regular Thursday. [checks for anyone around] Neither guy is here. And, it's Friday. Welcome to me and Darryl's world of lies. Erin: Nobody knows it yet, but Darryl already started working in Philly. So now, he has to sneak out of here like the sneakiest little sneaky-sneak you ever saw. And I'm his helper. It's so fun. Erin: [as Darryl descends stairs, Erin ascends carrying a giant teddy bear] Darryl. Meet... bear... ull. Darryl: How much did you pay for that? Erin: Nothing. Won him at the carnival. Spent a ton on tickets, though. Drive safe. Darryl: Everybody knows I go to Philly. I've just been using sick days I saved up. But, Erin was so excited about being sneaky-sneaks, I went along with it. Erin: [exiting Darryl's office] Ha, ha, ha! Darryl, you are too much! [to Phyllis] That guy's hilarious. He's here today. [giant teddy bear is viewed in Darryl's office] Pam: I've really been putting in the hours on this mural. And my boss is totally OK with it, because he's in the Bahamas and has no clue what anybody is doing. I'm usually very self-critical. I hate what I paint. But, I don't know, this time I feel like it's, um, it's really coming together... [sees mural] Oh my god! [camera pans to mural with butts painted over it] Wha? You've gotta be kidding me! What it... are those... are those butts? [to warehouse crew] Huh? No way. No way! Angela: Excuse me, everyone. Is it OK if I leave early from work today? It's Phillip's first birthday and the senator and I are hosting a party at our house. Erin: Aw, cute! So there'll be a bunch of kids. Angela: No. No children. Our house is not kid-friendly. Most of our furniture is sharp. Also, ew. It will mostly be campaign donors. Kevin: Angela, I am prepared to donate a whopping... [pulls cash from wallet] 8 dollars to Lipton For America to have an invitation... Angela: No, no, please. You know, actually, none of you could even really make the cut for this thing. Which I am so sad about. Oscar: [undertone] Angela. You're going to find out, so I thought I'd let you know that, uh, Robert invited me too. Angela: What? Oscar: He said he wanted me there for support. Angela: I'm his! His... wife. Oscar: Angela's husband and I are in love. But, as a politician in this town, you still need the conventional blonde wife on your lawn signs. He is risking everything to have me there today. [laughs] Me. Angela: [on phone with Robert] We agreed that you wouldn't be seen with him in public. It's humiliating for me. Well, if you get to bring a stud, maybe I do too. Jim: [in Darryl and Jim's Philly apartment] Hey. Darryl: Hey. Jim: We are splitting a sublet on a place near Philly. Darryl: Just a couple of grown, sexy-ass roommates. Jim: And, as much as I miss Pam and the kids, it's, uh, kinda nice to live the bachelor life again. You know, let your hair down. Darryl: Jim was nice enough to give me his bedroom. Jim: I'm couching it! Darryl: Which usually means there's clothes all over the living room. Jim: And this dude labels his food. He's the clean one. And, I'm the messy one. How much fun is this? Darryl: I love Jim. I love that he hooked me up with a job. It's just, he uses old t-shirts as wash rags. He doesn't wash his dishes. Apparently, they need to [quote-unquote fingers] soak... He hooked me up with a job. Pam: [ascends on lift, using megaphone] Attention, everyone. Can I have your attention, please? Yeah, I don't know everybody's name down here, but whoever did this will you please raise your hand. [no one replies] Hello? This is not over. OK? I will stay up here all day if I have to. Is that what you want? [descends on lift] Yeah, I will also come down if I want to. It's my choice. Pam: I don't demand justice often. I'm not like Angela, who calls a lawyer every time someone watches a YouTube video of animals doing it. But, someone should get fired over this, right? Val's no help. Andy's gone. Jim's out. I just feel like I'm on my own here. [boom microphone bumps her head, she smiles] I mean, OK, not completely on my own. But, in terms of people who can do something. Thank you, Brian. Jim: Hey. So, Wade wants to send people to the Sloan conference. We gotta compile a list of our target clients. Darryl: Already on it. I ordered them by their Google trend ranking so we know who to hit first. Jim: [to camera] Who is this guy? We are killing it. Darryl: Yes sir. [notices Jim's using his coffee mug] Jim: Yeah! Pam: [entering office] Conference room. Everybody. Now! Dwight: You don't have the clearance to call a conference room meeting. Pam: Yes, but David Wallace does. And he asked me to gather everyone to talk about stuff... That's gonna be revealed once we're in the conference room for the meeting. Dwight: You're telling me, David Wallace asked you to call a super secret, classified conference room meeting? Pam: Yeah. Dwight: Let's go everyone. Super secret, classified conference room meeting, now! Pam: [to everyone in conference room] I have terrible news. Someone defaced my mural. They painted all over it. Erin: I thought that's what you were doing. Pam: Yeah, but this is different. Erin: Oh. They used worse paint than your paint? Pam: I don't think so, but they put paint where I didn't want paint. So... Erin: I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing. Pam: Different colored paint. I wanted different colored paint in the spots where they put their paint. So, it just is... OK, the point is, these warehouse guys are vandals. And, they need to be stopped. Meredith: Yeah, and somebody had the balls to put my phone number on the men's room wall. Which is so messed up. It's 6782 not 83. Creed: Uh, 6783's also a good time. Less mileage. Oscar: Pam, what can be done? Pam: Yes. Thank you. Let's answer that question. Oscar: I was politely saying nothing can be done. I thought I was clear. Pam: What? Come on guys. We need to figure out who did this and punish them. This isn't just about me. This is about all of us. This is our mural. Don't you see? How much we worked on this? How much time and energy? We put our heart and soul into this thing. Phyllis: David Wallace called this meeting? Pam: Sure did. I was as surprised as you, but apparently, he is very passionate about public art. Pam: [as everyone begin to leave] No, no. Come on, guys. Don't go. Dwight: Pam, I'll help you. Pam: You will? Dwight: If there's anything I hate worse than art, it's crime. Pam: Thank you. Nellie: I am in too, Pam. Pam: Yeah? Nellie: Yes, of course. I believe in you. I believe in your art. And I am bored. Pam: Great. Pam: I was hoping for a righteous mob, and I ended up with Dwight and Nellie. But, they both have a mob mentality. And, I'm pretty sure Dwight has a pitchfork in his car. Dwight: [enters quickly] You need my pitchfork? Angela: [approaches Dwight as he leaves] Hey! Dwight: What is it? I have vengeance to exact. Angela: Exciting news. There's room for one more at my son's birthday event. And, I want you. Dwight: Ah, I'm not interested. Angela: What? Wait. The state transportation secretary will be there. You could sell your beet salt idea to the highway people. Dwight: If I get the deicing gig, it's not gonna be on merit. Not because I played politics. [exits] Kevin: Hey. So, a little birdie just told me that Dwight can't come to your son's birthday. So, do you want me to go with you? Angela: No. Kevin: OK. I understand. I'll just stay here, then. Alone with the money. Angela: Aw, crap. Dwight: [in warehouse] I am handing out pieces of paper. On which, you will draw one human butt. What I do with said drawings, is no one's business but my own. Frank: You're gonna to compare 'um to the butts up there. [gestures mural] Dwight: Incorrect. It is my fetish. Oh, also, sign them. My fetish is signed drawings of butts. Glenn: I'm not drawing a butt. Nellie: All right then, they're bottoms. Uh, we should ask you to do big, rounded Ws. Dwight: Yes. Or nipplous breasts. Perhaps. Val: OK, OK. I think it's time to get back to work. Come on, fellas. Let's go. Dwight: Or melons. Like cantaloups. With the halves are cut off. And then, just the bottom parts... Nellie: Well, this is getting us nowhere. Pam: We need another approach. Um, we need to fine the weakest one and separate him from the group. [they notice Nate struggling with a box] Yeah. I think if we could get Nate alone, we could crack him. Dwight: We just need a pretense to talk to him. We could tell him that his mother is dying. That usually works on him. [holds up phone] Nate. Your mother is dying. [Nate reacts with grief] Pam: See, I feel bad about that. Dwight: It's all right. It's all right. Nate: So, she's gonna pull through again? [all nod] That's great. Can I talk to her? Dwight: No. She needs her rest again. Nellie: Now listen. Now that we have got you here, let's talk about this mural business. Dwight: You know who the vandal is. Now, I know a lot of these warehouse guys are your friends, but we've got chewing gum. Nate: Gum's gotten mintier lately. Have you noticed? Like, some of it's just too minty. It's like they're literally trying to hurt... Pam: [interrupting] Tell us who defaced the mural! Nate: [points at Warehouse Worker Frank] He did it. Pam: All right. You can go. Give him his gum. Dwight: There's no gum. There never was any gum. Nate: [leaving] That's really rude. Kevin: [at Phillip's party] Opening with pub pastries? That's a bold play. They're saying, it's only gonna get better from here? Good luck. Oscar: [noticing a portrait of Angela on the wall] That painting is just... How can anyone that weighs less than a guinea hen be so terrifying? Party Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Senator and Angela Lipton. [guests applaud] Senator: Thanks, everybody. Thanks for coming. Phillip had no idea he was so popular. Angela: [laughs] Oh, Robert, you're horrible. [to other guests] Simon, Maxine. [sarcastically] Who let you guys in here? Athlead Employee: [points to Jim and Darryl] This is the team. Jim: Nice job, man. Darryl: You too... Darryl. Jim: [confused] What? [Darryl points at his thermos Jim has been using] Oh, man! I'm sorry about that. Darryl: It's cool. Reading's tricky sometimes. Jim: Oh, um... Are you really mad about this? Darryl: That's my go-to thermos. That's all. Jim: Oh. It's your go-to therm. Oh, man. That's a bummer. I'm sorry about that. Darryl: No big deal. No big deal. Jim: No, no. If it's a big deal, it's a big deal. Darryl: Nah, nah... Jim: No big deal. Darryl: [as Jim empties thermos into trash] Nah, nah, nah. You don't have to do that. Jim: Honestly, I don't mind. [long, awkward pause until thermos is empty] Did you want me to wash it for you or... Darryl: I don't know. You gonna wash it? Or you gonna let it soak? Jim: [after tense pause] OK. Here ya go. [roughly hands Darryl his thermos] Darryl: Thank you. Nellie: So, Frank. Do you have any thoughts about what was done? By you? Pam: [to Nellie] Maybe, maybe I could, could get the ball rolling. [Nellie nods] Um, Frank? Hi. Pam. Um, I am so sorry if I've done anything to offend you. I'm sure it isn't easy for you guys to have an upstairs person coming down in your space. So. Truly. If, if, I apologize. But enough about me. Your turn. Toby: [Warehouse Worker Frank remains silent, picks ear] You sort of deserve an apology here. Frank? Frank: I'm sorry I didn't like your crappy doodles. I drew a butt. Big deal. Butts are funny. Pam: Well, I didn't think that butt was funny. Frank: Well, maybe if you got the stick out of yours. Pam: What was that? Frank: You know what? You people can't fire me. So, screw you. [exits] Pam: Whoa! Hey! That is not OK. What are you gonna do about that? Toby: Uh... it... compliment... Nellie: The first 'sorry' sounded sincere. Toby: There were two or three 'sorry's in there. [mumbles along with Nellie] Pam: That sucked. He didn't apologize. There's no talking to that guy. Dwight: Oh, your little feelings party didn't work out? Huh? Who won the hugging contest? Oh, let me guess. Everyone tied for first. Pam: We should just take him down. Dwight: Wait. Are you saying... Pam: I'm saying we should go scorched earth on that guy's face. Dwight: Normally, I find Pam to be a comforting, if unarousing, presence around the office. Like a well-watered fern. But, today, she has tapped into this vengeful, violent side. And I'm like, wow, Pam has kind of a good butt. Dwight: He messed with something that was important to you. We need to mess with something that's important to him. Pam: Yes! Dwight: A little eye for an eye action. Pam: Yes! Dwight: Go all Hammurabi on this clown. Pam: We need an infiltrator. Dwight: I know just the man for the job. [looks at Clark] Pam: Clark? Dwight: He even looks like a mole. Oscar: One of his tee shots can wipe out a whole owl population. Party Guest: You two seem very close. Senator: Yes. We're good friends. Good friends. Oscar: Yeah. Senator: You know, I suppose that may ruffle a few feathers. For a long time, our party has turned it's back on the Hispanic people. Well, that is not who I am. [puts arms around Oscar] I am a friend of the Latino community. And if you ask me, it's time we bid bigotry hasta luego. [guests laugh] Now, does my embrace of Hispanics make me more electable? Given demographic trends? I don't know. And I don't care. What I care about is Oscar. [slaps Oscar's cheek] My friend. Mi amigo. Oscar. [guests applaud as he hugs Oscar] Oscar: Maybe I should be insulted that he only invited me here to be his token Mexican friend. But, he could of invited any number of Hispanics that he knows. His gardener, Rogelio. Or he could've invited... Rogelio. But, he chose me. Rogelio's Malaysian... The son of a bitch is Malaysian. Darryl: Oh, hey. Jim: Hey. Darryl: I usually watch TV during my lunch breaks. It's cool? Jim: Yeah. Totally. Darryl: All right. Jim: [after Darryl eyes him drinking from a thermos] It's mine. Don't worry. Darryl: I didn't say anything. Jim: I don't think you had to. Darryl: Excuse me? Jim: I think you might be going a little crazy with this labeling thing, man. I mean, you put your name on a five pound bag of flour. Are you honestly saying that if I needed flour I couldn't use that? Darryl: What you need flour for, Jim? Jim: That's not the point. Darryl: What? You making bread? Jim: No, I'm not making bread. Darryl: What kind of bread you making? Pumpernickel? Jim: Darryl, it doesn't matter. I think you know the point I'm trying to make. Darryl: All right, I'm being a jerk. You got me this job. I should be grateful. I am, I just... you know, I get finicky about my stuff. That's all. Jim: It's all good. Are we all good? Darryl: We good. Jim: What's that cooler? Darryl: Nothing. [pulls out a can of soda] It's mine. [Jim shakes his head] [after looking through DVR] What happened to my Tavis Smileys? Jim: Oh, crap. Were those yours? Dwight: [pulling Clark across the parking lot] I never want to see you working in the upstairs office again. Do you hear me? Clark: Well, my only crime was loving the local sports teams and trying to be one of the guys. Dwight: Silence. You'll now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables. Now, go make your hands rough with work. Clark: OK, boss. [quietly] Pam, you know this is ridiculous, right? Like you're smarter than this. Pam: Shh, shh. Clark: This is never gonna work. Pam: Shh. Remember your lines. Clark: What lines? Dwight: Go move some paper! Pam: [to Darryl on phone] Hey, you know that guy Frank who works in the warehouse? Darryl: He's not my hire, but I know who he is. Pam: OK. What does he like? What's important to him? Does he have like a favorite pair of boots or a lunch box or... Darryl: What? Is he retiring? You getting him a gift or something? Pam: Yeah, something like that. Darryl: I know he loves his pick up truck. Pam: Oh, great! [to Dwight] His truck! Dwight: Great. Get the plate number. Pam: OK. [to Darryl] Do you know the plate... never mind. Why would you know that? And why would I be asking that? Dwight: So we know which truck to van... Darryl: Hey. While I got you on the phone, your husband's like a sloppy, homeless hobo. Can you fix that? Pam: Yeah. I was kinda hoping you could. I gotta go. Bye. [to Dwight] Come on. [camera pans to Clark duct taped to a chair] Party Photographer: Hold on a second. Uh, Sandeep? Let's get you closer to the senator. Just about there. Great. And, Oscar? I'm gonna need you to step a little closer to the senator, as well. Somewhere there. Angela: He's blocking me. Senator: It's only a photo, honey. Party Photographer: [to party waiter] Excuse me, uh, what's your name? Party Waiter: Sean. Party Photographer: LaShawn. Great. You wanna be in a photo? Right this way. [notices overweight man following] Not you. No. Oscar: He put me here. Angela: He put you right in front of me? Party Photographer: Let's just wheel Margaret right in front... Oscar: Ow! Robert?! Senator: Angela. Party Photographer: Smile. [Angela attempts to get in front of Oscar as pictures are taken] Pam: I'm done. What are you... Is that supposed to be my mural? Dwight: Yeah. Frank draws a butt on your mural, I'm drawing your mural on Frank's truck's butt. Eye for an eye, mamacita. Pam: Aw, Dwight. That's really sweet. Dwight: Let's see yours. Pam: Oh, no. Um, I, I'm embarrassed. It's stupid. Dwight: This is amazing! Frank! And he's leaving a trail of poops? Pam: Yeah. And he has saggy boobs. Dwight: I saw that. That's great! Pam: Yeah. I feel better. Dwight: Good. I'm glad you feel better. This has been a wonderful day. I have to say, I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch. Pam: I know. You miss Angela, don't you? Dwight: Ugh! Don't sympathize. You're ruining the mood. Back to work. Draw his penis. Pam: I got back at Frank in the most fitting way possible. With my art. The paints are water-based. It's gonna come off with a hose. But, I think the lesson will last a very... Frank: [exiting building and approaching Pam] Lady! My truck? You had no right! Pam: No, you had no right! Frank: It's a $40,000 truck! Pam: So? You started it! Frank: So? So someone need to shut you up! [attempts to attack Pam] Brian: Hey, hey, hey! [knocks Frank down with boom microphone] Pam: Whoa. Brian: [as Frank gets up] Easy! [Frank grabs him] Frank: You son of a bitch! Brian: You're gonna hit a woman? Senator: Thanks so much for coming. Thanks so much. [to Oscar and Angela] Well. Have we all calmed down yet? Oscar: Yes. Sorry about that. Angela: It was all my fault. Senator: Let's all try to do better next time. Kevin, great to see you. Kevin: Yeah. Thank you for the food. Oh, and also, you suck. Senator: I beg your pardon. Kevin: You are like a terrible person. These guys care about you and you're just using them. Again, the food was very good. [Oscar and Angela exit looking pleased] Pam: Well, I'm gonna say something to the producers. Brian: No. No, it's... Pam: You shouldn't be fired. I mean, you were just protecting me. Brian: It's all good. I knew what I was doing. It's... I'm sorry about your mural, though. I mean, because you put so much into that. Pam: Forget about my mural. It's stupid. Brian: No. You, you worked hard on that. That guy's an animal. I'm glad they're firing him too. Pam: It's crazy. Brian, I'm so sorry. Brian: Look. I don't, I don't wanna put myself where I don't belong. If you ever need me, you just call me. And I'll be there for you. Pam: Thanks, Brian. Brian: Seeya. Jim: Wow. This whole Philly thing has been so much fun that I may have lost sight of what really matters. I mean, having fun is not nearly as important as being good to the people who you really care about. I mean, that's just 'Roommates 101'. Darryl: [playing video game with Jim] Oh. Come on! Jim: Oh. Oh! Darryl: Damn! Jim: [imitating game announcer] You win. [Darryl throws empty can on floor] How good did that feel? Darryl: That felt really good, actually.

Pam: [to Jim] Hey. I feel so lucky we're in the same city for Valentine's Day. Jim: It's like magic. Or, it's like me getting on my hands and knees and begging my partners to switch a Tuesday for a Thursday. Pam: [makes magic trick hand gesture] Alakazam! Jim: By the way, they do need an extra day next week. Pam: And, poof! He disappears. [Jim snaps, playing along] Erin: [to Pete] Hey! Wanna play hookey today? Pete: Oh, maybe. What do you have in mind? Erin: We can do anything you want. Erin: I really wanna have fun today because tomorrow is going to be a nightmare. Andy's coming back from his stupid, dumb boat trip. He's been rude. He's been selfish. I think he's a big jerk. And I'm breaking up with him. Bam, Andy! How do you like me now?... I hope as a friend. Pete: Erin says she's gonna break up with Andy, but I'm not sure. He's coming back tomorrow and surprise, today, she wants to do whatever I'd like. You know, when I was a kid, we had a dog who go real sick and we had to 'send him to a farm'. And on his last day, we did everything he loved. Erin: [has an idea and reveals a frisbee from under her desk] Wanna play catch in the parking lot? Pete: [slightly surprised] Sure. Erin: Great. Pete: I'll get my coat. Erin: Perfect. [Pete walks away eying the camera knowingly] Dwight: [knocks on Andy's door, then pretends to answer as Andy] Come in. Dwight: [talking to Andy's empty chair] Andy, hi. I just made another huge sale for the company that you manage. I need you to authorize that expense report and sign off on that contract. Dwight: [pretending to be Andy] I would be happy to. It would be my pleasure, Mr. Schrute. Rick-a-dick-doo, rick-a-dick-dick-dick, rick-a-dick-doo. Dwight: I really like Andy these days. He's pretend and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. [thinks for a moment] Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown. Kevin: Andy left a carton of milk in the fridge. So, I've been sneaking a little bit every day for the last three months. It's been yummy. But now, Andy's coming back. So, I guess it's goodbye chunky, lemon milk. Kevin: [to entire office]OK, I'll say it. I wish Andy had stayed on his trip. Nellie: I say we all have one last fun boss-less day. Meredith: Yeah, let's get some booze and some cocaine and just blow it out. No consequences. Phyllis: Or the mini mall. They have all these Valentine Day deals. You can get 20% off if you come in with your husband or your [to Nellie] boyfriend. But, I mean, if you don't have one of those you can probably just bring whoever it is you use to kill your loneliness. Stanley: Phil, I'll pretend to be your husband. I'm already sick of you, so it'll seem realistic. Phyllis: Oh... Angela: They have a nail salon there where I get my feet detailed. [to Meredith] They use a watch repair kit. Kevin: [to Angela] Ew! I'll be your foot buddy. Nellie: Everyone, it is our last day here with no manager. I say we go to the mini mall. Clark, you will be my fake boyfriend so I can get the discount. Clark: It's what I do. [everyone begins to leave] Oscar: Darryl, everyone seems to be pairing off. Do you want to pretend to be a couple so we get the... Darryl: No... yes, yes. Why wouldn't I... wanna pretend to be gay? Got no problem with that. Oscar: All right, it'll be easy. Don't be nervous, just follow my... Darryl: [interrupting] Stop talking 'bout it. I said I'm fine with it. Pam: [eating] These are gross. Jim: They are terrible. Pam: Oh, hey, don't fill up on chocolates. I made us a lunch reservation at State Street Grill. Jim: Oh my god. That's so romantic. Pam: It's with Brian and Alyssa. Jim: Oh my god. That's less romantic. Pam: I know. But we should go. We need to thank him for, you know, saving my life. Jim: Yeah, yeah. No, totally. That's good. So, should we just get a bottle of wine later and celebrate? Pam: That sounds nice. Jim: I'm very excited to see Brian. Brian's a great guy. And Pam and I have gotten really close to he and his wife, Alyssa over the years. And he got fired for protecting my wife from a jerk in the warehouse. I'm sorry, but you know him. He's a good guy. Nail stylist 1: Oh, tiny, poor lady is back. Oh, get the baby clipper. [other nails stylists gush over Angela] Nail stylist 2: [to Clark] You take off your glasses. Clark: Kay. [removes glasses] Nellie: [nail stylist 2 giggles] What? Nail stylist 2: Your boyfriend. He look like a pretty girl. Nellie: My boyfriend does look like a pretty girl, doesn't he? Yes, a very little pretty girl. And you know what, now that you are developing, we should go and get you a training bra. [both laugh at Clark] Clark: Oh, you guys think this is funny? You know what? No more discount. [to nail manager] Excuse me. [gesturing he and Nellie] Full price. We're not together. Nellie: Oh, come on! Clark: She's living a lie. Nellie: Turns out, I can't even be in a pretend relationship. Oscar: [to nail manager] Hi. We'd like a couples discount on a pair of foot massages. Nail manager: No. No discount for two men. Two men are not a couple. Oscar: We are together. Romantically. Nail manager: Two men? [other nail stylist speaks Korean to manager, both laugh] [gestures index fingers bumping together] Doesn't work. No discount. Darryl: Oh, it works. Him and me, all right, we are crazy in love. More love than your small mind can comprehend. And we have two disposable incomes. And no kids. And we're taking our business elsewhere. [Oscar and Darryl exit holding hands] Jim: [enters restaurant with Pam] Hey, Brian. Brian: Hey. Pam: Sorry we're late. Brian: Oh, uh, no problem. I finished all the bread. Pam: Ha,ha,ha, yeah OK. Jim: What? Pam: He's on a no carb thing. Supposedly. Jim: Oh. Brian: It's, uh, great to see you guys. Thanks for coming. Pam: Yeah. Jim: Are you kidding? Thank you, man. I mean, I've wanted the opportunity to say thanks for... everything. And I'm really sorry about the job. That just seems crazy. Brian: It's fine. What are you gonna do, you know? But, if you guys know of any work, I'm fully available. Pam: Well, my dad can't hear a thing. You could boom his whole life for him. Brian: That's... OK, great. Does he pay well? Pam: Where's Alyssa? Brian: Uh, yeah. Um, you know, Alyssa's, she's not gonna make it today. Pam: Oh. Brian: Actually, we're not gonna make it. Um... we're splitting up. Dwight: [to Andy's empty chair] I have yet another sales order for you to sign. Dwight: [acting as Andy] Why thank you Mr. Schrute. I don't know how you do it. You're a god. Rick-a-dick-dick-doo. Andy: [in his office doorway, bearded and unkept] Hi Dwight. Dwight: You're back. [surveys Andy] And you're disgusting. Phyllis: [as everyone returns to the office] Ah, geez. My nails aren't dry yet. I don't think I can work for at least a couple hours. Andy: Well, well, well, look who it is. Phyllis: Andy. Andy: I guess I can cancel my order from Zappos.com because, oh, the loafers have arrived. Erin: Andy! Andy: Hey! Sweetheart! [approaches Erin] I have missed you so much. Erin: [obviously avoiding Andy's embrace] Yes. [gives Andy high fives] Welcome back, buddy. Andy: [attempting to hug Erin as she resists] I have been dreaming of this moment. Erin: Me too. So much. I'm so happy. Erin: I am really, really bad at break ups. Technically, I'm still dating my first grade boyfriend. I mean, we just had our 20th anniversary. And, I forgot to get him something. Oscar: What happened? We thought you were coming back tomorrow. Andy: Well, Valentine's surprise for Erin. Hello? Super romantic. And I got you something. [removes wooden instruments from bag] Oh, it's a couple of pieces of bamboo. Big deal, right? No. These are musical instruments. It's so we can play island music together. Cause I have this. [removes g��iro and begins playing and singing] Clop the cloppers. Yeah, clop 'em. It's called Bembe. [sings while Kevin echoes] Dwight: Hey, Burning Man, if it's not selling out too much, you might want to throw on a tie. David Wallace is gonna be here in an hour. Andy: Obviously, that's why I'm here. I mean, I came back early to surprise Erin. Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart. [tries to embrace Erin but she begins playing cloppers] But, I'm just saying, I'm also excited about the Wallace meeting. Clark: Why? Isn't he just coming in to rip you a new one for being gone three months? Dwight: No. Please. Come on, Clark. Wallace knows that he's been gone for the last three months. [Andy stalls] Right? Wallace does know that you've been gone for the last three months? Andy: I have no idea. I don't know what he knows or doesn't know. But we've been in touch the whole time. I mean, it's not hard to get high-speed internet in Turks de Caicos, people. It's in every Bembe cafe. Erin: He only emailed me four times. Andy: Question. Where's Jim? Phyllis: He and Pam are having their Valentine's Day lunch. Andy: For two hours? Really? Oscar: So, you're concerned about peoples' long absence from their place of work? Andy: If the shoe fits. [plays g��iro and sings, Kevin echoes] Brian: We were telling two different versions of the same story. And then, everything just went numb. Jim: Well, I mean, that's OK. It doesn't mean that it's over. Right? I mean, couples fight. Brian: Yeah. That's the thing. When we were fighting, it weirdly felt like the relationship was still alive. And, it wasn't until we stopped fighting that, we realized that it was over. You know, it's over. [overcome by emotion] I'm sorry, this is... oh my god, OK. [to Pam] We have to stop seeing each other like this. We have to find a different way to communicate other than breaking down in front of each other. Pam: [obviously flustered] Yeah. Jim: What? Brian: At least my crying won't get you fired. Jim: Crying? Andy: I noticed that you landed the Scranton White Pages account. That is tremendous. Dwight: Thank you. Andy: And you sold it to Jan too. Dwight: Yes! Andy: I mean... I'm impressed. Dwight: [laughing together] Yeah! Andy: Well, there's one problem. Couldn't help but notice that you offered a price point that was not approved by the head office. So... gotta run that stuff by me, Dwight. Dwight: You were on a boat. Andy: I was... Dwight: On a boat. Andy: That... Dwight: In the ocean. Andy: OK. The issue is that you need to run this stuff by me. Coolio? Are we coolio? [Dwight resists] Just say the word 'coolio'. Dwight: I'm not gonna say it. Andy: Say it. Dwight: Not a word. Andy: Coolio. Dwight: No! [Andy makes a call] What do you think you're doing? Andy: Just gonna call the Scranton White Pages and clear this right up. Dwight: Don't you dare! Andy! Jan: [on phone] Hello? Andy: Hey, Jan. Nard dog here. Jan: Oh, Andy. Andy: I was just looking over the paperwork. I found a little hiccup. Jan: Really? Andy: Yeah. It appears my employee offered you a price that he was not authorized to. Jan: Hmm. Dwight: [whispers] Coolio. Jan: Seriously? You're calling me a few weeks after finalizing our contract to gouge me now for more money? Is that what you're doing? Dwight: Coolio. Coolio. Andy: No. No, no, no Jan I think you misunderstood. Jan: Yeah. Dwight: Coolio. Andy: It, it's, it's actually just an issue... Jan: You know what? You know what, uh, Nard dog? There is an option in the contract that allows me to back out within 30 days of signing. So, I would like to exercise that option. Dwight: No, Jan! Please do not listen to this boob! Remember Clark. He gave you everything. Everything. Andy: Jan, I don't know what he's talking about but... Jan: Tell Angela to send me a final invoice. Andy: Well, ah, ah... Dwight: Please Ja, Ja... [Jan hangs up] Andy: Aw! That was not how I had hoped that would go. Andy: [approaching Accounting] Hey, everybody, great job. [to Angela] Listen, we're a smidge behind on my paychecks. Angela: Yes, well, as you know, we get paid on Fridays. And you haven't been here for 12 Fridays. [hands Andy a folder] Andy: All right. Thank you very much. [examines checks] Looking good. [after noticing something on Angela's desk] Who's that little fella? Angela: It's a bonus check. For you. From Wallace. Because the branch exceeded it's targets over the past quarter. Andy: Wow, that's wonderful! Oscar: A quarter's three months. That's how long you've been gone. Andy: Uh-huh. Angela: Uh-huh. Andy: Uh-huh... [after awkward pause] Uh-huh. [Angela hands him the bonus check] Thank you. Great. Well, we're all up to speed. Dwight: Two seconds of the turd dog and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen. Clark: [emotional] Do you have any idea what I had to do to get that sale from Jan? I mean, I went all out. All out. I mean like everything was out the whole week. Kevin: He just waltzes back in here like he owns the chunky, lemon milk. Who needs him, right? Dwight: God! I just don't know what we'd do. I mean, short of telling David Wallace that he was gone for three months. Dwight: I'd like to rat out Andy. Unfortunately, I have a bit of a boy-who-cried-wolf dynamic with David Wallace. Except, instead of a boy, I'm a man. And instead of a wolf, I cried genetically-engineered monster wolf. Nellie: I'm not going to rat on him. No, Andy gave me a second chance. So, the least I could do is let somebody else rat on him. Meredith, why don't you? Meredith: Meredith Palmer ain't never been called no nark. Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check. Einstein sarcastically? You bet. But never no nark. Vomit mop? Sure. Floor meat? That's me. Flesh hoover? Erin: Hey! Pete: Meredith, that's plenty. All right? That's more than plenty. Why does no one stop her? Erin: Guys. I know that a lot of people are mad at Andy and, believe me, I am too. But, he has been through a lot and we all used to love him, right? So, if he's gonna get in trouble, just let it be his fault not ours. I don't want that on my hands. Dwight: Fine! The state he's in, Wallace will take one look at him and probably fire him anyway. Andy: [appears approaching group, shaved and in a suit] What's going on in here, dirty players? Let's get back to busting some paper rhymes. Come on. [singing] Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Andy! [resumes talking] All right. Back to work. Pam: OK, I can tell you're mad at me. Do you wanna just, um, I don't know, tell me why? Jim: I don't know. I thought that was a little weird. You told me Brian got fired for the whole warehouse thing. And you intentionally left out a kind of major, intimate detail. I don't know, Pam, I guess I just feel like a chump. Who knows less about his marriage than the sound guy. Pam: I didn't tell you about the crying because I didn't want you to know how upset I was. Because it would've stressed you out and you're always saying how much you don't want more stress. Jim: Yeah, well. Yeah, OK. Well, then thank you. Thanks to both of you. Pam: It's not Brian's fault. Jim: No, you're right. And, and I'm not mad at Brian. And to be honest, I probably don't have any reason to be mad at all because I wasn't there. So, let's just forget about it. Pam: OK. Andy: I need you guys to tell me all the highlights from the last three months in case David asks. Just a few things I could sprinkle into conversation. Any big sales or office gossip. Dwight: Well, we had the Scranton White Pages. Andy: Not helpful. Let's stay positive, people. OK? David Wallace: [enters] Hey guys. Andy: Hey! David! How are ya? Ah, we were just having our weekly round table where we motivate each other. Not gonna lie, I get as much out of it as they do. David Wallace: Sounds great. Don't let me interrupt. What ever you guys have been doing this last quarter, I couldn't be happier with the numbers. Andy: Thank you. David Wallace: Well, finish up. I'm gonna meet with Val about that warehouse guy you had to let go and you and I will talk in 15 minutes? Andy: Great! David Wallace: [leaving] Great job, everybody! Andy: [whispering] We had to let a warehouse guy go?! Kevin: You know Pam's mural? Well, Frank... Dwight: [interrupting] ' lit the whole thing on fire. It was crazy. Andy: What?! Dwight: Yeah. Andy: There was a fire in the warehouse? Dwight: The whole thing is in ashes. Fire department was here. It was in all the papers. Kevin: Whoa. Andy: This is what I'm talking about! This would be good to know. All right, what else? Phyllis: We started selling balloons. Andy: What?! Clark: Yeah. And, uh, Kathy Ireland signed on as the official spokes-babe of Dunder-Mifflin. Andy: No kidding? Clark: Yeah. In the European billboards, she's gonna be topless. Andy: Wow. Go Kathy. She's like 50. Clark: They're tasteful. Andy: Good, good. What else? Andy: Who knew the balloon game would be so lucrative? And thank god, right? We needed the income after the fire. David Wallace: What fire? Andy: The warehouse fire. Weren't you just down there? It's like burnt to ashes. David Wallace: It looked fine to me. Andy: [catches on to the ruse] I am speaking metaphorically, of course. You know I have lots of irons in quote-unquote fire. Well, that's one of them. You know, making sure that the warehouse logistics is a well-oiled, properly-stoked fire. David Wallace: OK. Andy: I think you'll agree I explained that pretty well. David Wallace: [preparing to leave] Thanks, Andy. Andy: Thank you. David Wallace: All right. Everyone! [waves to office and exits] Erin: [enters Andy's office to find him playing g��iro] Fish sounds great. Andy: Yeah, I guess. Erin: Really playing the scales, huh? Andy: Yeah, it just sort of sounds like noise to me now. You think I need a new fish? Erin: I don't love you anymore. Andy: What? Erin: I still like you, but you were gone a really long time. And, you didn't really email me all that much. You retweeted me, a lot to be fair. But I don't love you. Andy: OK, I get it. You're unhappy. I've been gone a long time and we lost a little bit of juju. But, you and me, we have a future. There is a lot of love here. Erin: I just said there isn't love. Andy: On your side. But there's tons on my side. It's gushing. We're just out of sync right now. But that's just timing, it's timing. I mean, my parents lasted 38, 40 years. They were never happy at the same time. Erin: I guess. Andy: I mean, what do we have left? 35, maybe 40 years? If we're lucky. I mean, I have spent a lot of time in the sun. Erin: You got really sunburned. Andy: I'm gonna be a prune in like, 3 years. Erin: Ugh. Andy: I know you may not be feeling love for me right now but, if you fake it, I won't be able to tell the difference. So, I'll feel good. And then, eventually, maybe, you'll actually start to love me again. Erin: You really think we can get that back? Andy: Yes. [hugs Erin] Come on. Totally. Jim: You know what? Maybe we should cancel that bottle of wine tonight. Pam: Oh? Jim: Yeah. I just feel like I got a bunch of stuff to do in Philly and I'm sure you have stuff to do. So we can just... I don't know, drop me at the bus station? Pam: Are you sure? Jim: I just feel like we're gonna fight. Pam: [obviously hurt] Yeah. Jim: So... how 'bout let's not? Pam: OK. [they begin to leave] Jim: Oh, um. [pulls item from bag and hands to Pam] Happy Valentine's Day. Sorry, I didn't have time to wrap it. Pam: [sees it's a drawing of hers, framed] Wow. I didn't know you kept this. Jim: Yeah, yeah. Pam: Thank you. Jim: No problem. Pam: I don't think you should go to Philly tonight. I think that you should stay and I think we should fight. Jim: You really wanna fight on Valentine's Day? Pam: Yeah, I do. Jim: OK. All right, put your dukes up, Beesly. Erin: Hi. Pete: Hey, you OK? Erin: I couldn't do it. Pete: Oh. Erin: I'm sorry. Pete: Oh, you don't have to apologize. I just... I just want you to be happy. OK? [Erin smiles and kisses Pete] Erin: [bursts into Andy's office] We're breaking up. And just so you know, I was worried that you were dead. You were gone for three months. David Wallace: [on phone] Hey, Andy. It's David. Still here. What was that about three months?

David Wallace: ...No, you lied to me Andy. You pretended to be in this office for three months and you were sailing on your boat! Andy: I resent that. I, I never lied to you. David: Really? [reading from phone] 'Hey David, all is good in Scranton PA.' Andy: And all was good in Scranton PA that day. David: 'By the way, Oscar says 'hi'' Andy: Oscar says 'hi' all the time. He says all kinds of greetings. 'Hi' 'Hello' 'Hola' You're telling me you've never heard Oscar say 'hi'? David: Andy. Andy: But you're calling me a liar. David: Andy! Andy: By the way, that reminds me, I want to ask you about some of the lies you've been telling lately. David: Watch it Andy! Andy: Oh, here we go, January seventh 2013. [Reading from phone] 'Hey Andy, all's well. Been meaning to make it down there but my wife's sick.' Well, which is it?! Is all well or is your wife sick?! BUSTED! David: My wife? Andy: This has been a really tough time. David: Yeah? Andy: Yeah. David: Has it? Andy: Erin just dumped me and I can't remember any of the aha moments I had on the boat, and I know it sounds weird to say but I really miss my beard. David: Shh. Andy: It was like a security blan- David: Andy. Andy: #NAME? David: Shh. I'm not gonna fire you. Andy: You're not? David: No. Andy: That's awesome. David: I wouldn't own the company if it wasn't for you. So...I owe you that. Andy: David, I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. When you breathe, I want to be here for you. I'll be there for you. That's a poem by J.B. Jovi. I want you to have it. David: We are even...now. Understand? Got it? Andy: Crystal. David: You are on very- Hey, very thin ice. Andy: Vanilla. [David looks confused] Vanilla Ice. It was a band. Andy: Good morning. Erin: Good morning. Andy: And how are you on this fine- [chokes up, runs into office and slams door pulling the blinds closed] Andy: [Crying] Ok, we ready? [cut] Don't use that part. Last week, Erin told me that our relationship would be proceeding without me. Now I have to see her everyday at work. Which is...brutal. When people say office relationships are a good idea, they never talk about what might happen if you break up. Andy: [Moaning from office] Ahhh! Oooooh! ahh Pam: He sounds like a wounded animal. Stanley: Should've put him out of his misery and just fired her. Phyllis: I can't be around sad people, it makes me sad. Stanley: I'm the same way with horny people. Pam: Ok. [Andy continues moaning] Erin: Yes. Pete and I have started seeing each other and Andy still doesn't know. We thought that keeping it secret was more considerate to him. And hot for us. I mean I saw Pete's butt. It's sick. Pam: [taking paper from Kevin] Oh that's mine! Um, I'll just, I'll get it out of the way for you. Pam: Jim set up a job interview for me today in Philly. It's um, with a real estate company, which is a great fit for me because I live in a house and I know what a bathroom is. [laughs] I'm sorry, I am just very nervous because honestly this is all moving a lot faster than I expected. And, and because my resume can fit on a post-it note. Dwight: [on phone] No, don't just let her eat the grass, she'll puke it right up. OK, just put out two bowls and see which feed she prefers. I'm sorry to be taking up so much of your precious time, Mose, but she's your aunt too. Fine. I'll see what I can do. Dwight: [Jumps out from behind vending machine] I need you. Angela: Ahh! Dwight! Dwight: And you should take breaks more often, I've been waiting there for 45 minutes. Angela: What? What is it? Dwight: It's my aunt Shirley, she's on her last legs. Angela: Dwight, that's awful. Dwight: You have no idea. I mean her hair, clothes, it's all falling off in great big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit because she was 'poisoned' by Aunt Shirley. Angela: What do you mean by 'poisoned'? Dwight: Probably nothing, or strychnine. Or lemonade and strychnine. Which is actually what it was. Angela: Ok, well I'm very sorry about your aunt. Dwight: Thank you. Angela: But I don't see how this is my problem. Dwight: Angela. You owe me one, remember? Now please, she's an old woman Angela. She needs a woman's touch. It's all hanging out- Angela: Ugh. Dwight: And there's parts of her I don't even recognize. Angela: Gah. Dwight: There's this one hanging part in particular, that's some sort of flap. Angela: It's fine. Dwight: It's like a prehensile wing or something, you know? Angela: Ugh! God, I can't. OK, I'll- Dwight: It's a divet... Angela: I'll help you! Dwight: ..where it was and it needs, it needs a... Angela: Ugh. Andy: Where are you going? Pam: Uh, not on a three month boat trip. Andy: Wha? Oh, burn. [laughs, Angela and Dwight move to leave.] Uh, excuse me. What, everyone can just leave whenever they want now? Dwight: How dare you? Andy: I'm still the boss! Erin: I... Andy: The answer is yes. Erin: ..just have some messages for you. Andy: Are they from you? Erin: Well no, they're from clients. Andy: Well then, I don't want them. You can keep 'em. In fact, you can keep that big blue Nautica sweater, I know how much you love it. Erin: I can't. I- Andy: Nope, I insist upon it. It's an awesome sweater. Some great memories tied up in that thing. Erin: These are messages from clients who want to buy paper. Andy: I don't want to talk about work right now. Erin: Well I only want to talk about work right now. Andy: Then I want my big blue sweater back. Erin: Well, I gave it to the Salvation Army. Pete: I've got the seat adjusted right. Clark: Perfect height, yeah. Andy: She got rid of it. My blue sweater. What is that about? Pete: I was just leaving. Andy: Stay! We are in the bro-zone layer. Ok? Nard dog, Plop and Clarker Posey, AKA Clarkwork Orange. Here's the sitch: Erin dumped me, natch. But she got rid of my blue sweater, which was her favorite. Is she moving on a little fast, or am I being a total psycho? Plop, you go first. Pete: I don't know. Women do tend to move on quicker than men. Andy: Survey says: ENH! Doesn't make me feel better at all. Zero Clark Thirty, what do you got? Clark: Look at it this way, being a bachelor is not all bad. I mean, you've got your freedom now. Andy: Last night I ordered a pizza by myself and I ate it over the sink like a rat. Clark: There you go, good for you. Andy: No. Clark: You just let it all hang out, that's what... Andy: May not seem like it, but this really helped. So, thank you. [Andy leaves] Clark: I'll give you a hundred dollars to wear that sweater to work tomorrow. Dwight: Aunt Shirley, Hello! It's me Dwight. Shirley: Oh, lookie here. It's big city Dwight. Careful you don't get mud on those fancy town shoes, big city Dwight. Angela: Hello Aunt Shirley. Shirley: Who's this little kitchen witch? She's so tiny like a little kitchen witch. Dwight: This is Angela, and we brought you some new clothes! Shirley: New clothes? What for? [Aunt Shirley's boob shows] Dwight: OK Angela: Oh, God. Dwight: You know what? Before you put the new clothes on, Angela's gonna get you cleaned up a little bit. Angela: Yes. How would you like a nice warm bath? Shirley: How would you like a mean cold slap? [slaps Angela] Angela: Ow! Dwight: Ok, Aunt Shirley, dear, uh, can I get you a nice crisp liter of schnapps? Shirley: I could do that. Dwight: Ok. Angela: No. No. Dwight: Yeah, trust me. Angela: No. Dwight: It keeps her docile. Go to the kitchen, get the largest receptacle you can find. Shirley: Step on it! Andy: Why doesn't Erin seem sad? Has she found someone new or something? And if so, why hasn't she told me? Is she trying to spare my feelings? During breakups, the mind goes to some crazy dark places. Phyllis: Andy, don't. No good can come from snooping. Andy: I'm not snooping, there's just some crud on her screen. Oscar: You're clearly snooping. Creed: That's kinda uncool, man. Meredith: Ah, come on. Phyllis: Andy! Oscar: That's her private property. Meredith: Tell us! Andy: Uh, hello! Who's snooping on who now? Phyllis: What does that even mean? Meredith: What's it say? Phyllis: Put it down. Andy: Everyone please, just- Creed: It's not cool. Phyllis: Put it down Oscar: Andy. That is her private property. Meredith: Boo. Andy: Oh my god. Stanley: Uh huh. Phyllis: See? Stanley: That's where nosey'll get you. Phyllis: Told you so. Andy: Darryl, Clark, Toby, Kevin, Plop. Take a knee. Alright, you guys are gonna think I'm psycho again. Uh, couldn't shake this feeling that Erin's dating someone so I looked at her phone. Darryl: Man, you can't do that stuff. You'll only find pain. When my ex-wife got into my e-mail account, she was devastated. Andy: Too late. I found out she's been texting a guy named Pete. Does anybody know a Pete? Kevin: Pete... Clark: Hmm. Kevin: Pete what? Pete: It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me Plop for so long, he forgot my real name. Which is Pete. Pam: [whispers] hello! Jim: Hey! There she is. [Pam laughs] How you doin? Pam: Hi! Hey, do I look ok? Jim: You look great. Pam: Ok Jim: Yeah. Pam: [pointing to Jim's bluetooth headset] What's that? Is that a- Jim: Ok, I know where you're going with this, and this is who I am now. I'm a douche. But look what I can do with my hands. [Pam laughs] Isaac: Gotta go, VIP just walked through the door. Pam: How are you, Isaac? You have something in your ear. Isaac: It's a phone? Pam: Yes. It is. And thank you so much for setting up this opportunity, I really appreciate it. Isaac: Of course, anything for Team Halpert. You're gonna crush it, Pam. Pam: Thanks. Jim: You are gonna crush it. Wow, I missed you. Pam: Wait, are you saying that into the phone or are you saying that to me. Jim: [touches headset] Call you right back. What were you saying? Pam: Ha ha. Athlead Coworker: Hey, Jim! We've got Trent Edwards on the line. Jim: I've gotta go, but you know what? Team Halpert, ok? You're gonna crush it, you're gonna smash it.[Pam laughs] OK, good luck! Pam: Bye. Angela: Gosh, she drank so much. And so quickly. Dwight: In her prime, Shirles could put away homemade schnapps morning noon and night. Shirley: [coughs and laughs in her sleep] Dwight: Now all it takes is half a liter. She's dreaming. Alright, let's get her out to the yard so you can spray her down. Angela: Spray her down? Dwight: No, it's a lot better than it sounds. There's a private shower area. Very tasteful, very rustic. Pete: Hey. Andy: Come on in. Have a seat. Uh, thanks for coming in, I just gotta get something off my chest. I just got some really weird news and uh, I'm just gonna come out and say it. I just got off the phone with my doctor, and it turns out I contracted [reading computer screen] shlmydia...from Erin. And it's incurable. Pretty lame huh? Pete: Yeah. [long pause] You were gone. Andy: I knew it! Pete: For a long time, Andy. Andy: You and Erin are fuhhhhhhherraaaaa! Pete: Andy, just so you know, there was no overlap. Andy: No overlap? Great. Good. Wow. This is suddenly so easy. Guess what? You're fired! Pete: What? Andy: Yeah. You. Are. Fired! One of the perks of being boss. I can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend. And wow, that turns out to be you. Yup. Sorry. [singing] So you had a bad day- Pete: Andy? Andy: ..The camera don't lie! Pete: Andy. Andy: You're being an idiot get.. Pete: I'm trying.. Andy: Out of my office, turns out you're fired... Pete: Andy. Andy: Because you suck. Pete: You can't fire- Andy: And you're fired... Pete: If you want to talk to me Andy: So you had a bad day... Pete: I'll be in the annex. Andy: Rut ti doh doh... Pete: Alright? I'll be in the annex. Andy: Rut tit doh doh... Pete: Toby! Andy: Rut ti doh doo doh Pete: Toby? Toby: You can't fire Pete. You understand why, right? Andy: No. Toby: Oh, Andy, we had this exact same conversation when you wanted to get rid of Nellie. You can't just get rid of people over grudges. Andy: Nellie was a professional grudge. This is a purely personal grudge. Toby: Alright, well look. While I have you here, this is a relationship disclosure form for Pete & Erin. Andy: They already have a contract? [Reading] 'Mutually agree to-' Ah, every phrase is like a dagger in my crotch. Toby: It's just boiler plating, you don't have to read it. Andy: Well, I'm not signing away my rights. Toby: I already signed it. I was just showing you. Andy: Ok, well we'll see about that. [crumples paper] Toby: Andy, it's not the original. And destroying it will not stop them from dating. Andy. [Andy throws paper at him and leaves, Toby straightens paper out] It's the original. Mark: ...[singing] talking Chester avenue, talking triplex, talking converting...Is that her? Hey guys! Say something. Pam: Hello. Mark: Hi, I'm Mark. Pam: Hi, Pam, hello. Mark: I'm the horrible boss around here, but please don't hire Jamie Foxx to kill me. D'Jango! I don't agree with the use of the 'N' word in that movie. It's, it's too soon. Pam: I'm Pam Halpert. Mark: Oh, hi. They call me Marky Mark around here, because here at Simon Realty, we are one funky bunch! Come on you guys, raise the roof when I say that! I- what are you all temps again today? Let's go, Gangnam style. [laughs] He's heard Gangnam style, he knows it. Right? That's cause he's American. This is Carl. Uh, he's from here. Our neck of the woods. But Gangnam style is great, isn't it? Pam: Oh my god. He's Michael Scott. Shirley: Time to get clean! Dwight: It's hosing time Aunt Shirley, have a seat. You're gonna have a hard time hearing her over the roar of the hose. Angela: You have to use chains? Dwight: You'll see. Here we go. Shirley: Let's get this show on the road. Dwight: Let's do it! Ready? Here's a box cutter to get her clothes off. Angela: Dwight! Dwight: Let's get to it. Angela: No! No! Dwight: Give it a whirl. Angela: Dwight, I am not gonna hose your aunt down like some animal. Shirley: Stop your belly-aching and hose me. Dwight: I need you to hose my aunt. Angela: No Dwight! Dwight: OK you are useless. Angela: No, Dwight! Dwight: Give me the hose! Angela: No Dwight, I won't- [hoses Dwight] Dwight: Ahh! OK! Angela: [grunting] I'm gonna give your aunt a proper bath and a haircut like a lady! And you two are gonna shut up about it! Do you have a bathtub? Dwight: Yes ma'am. Angela: Good. Mark: This is not an office so much as it is a uh, rec room with a bunch of computers in it. Frankly, if I had my way, I'd toss the computers in the gar-bage. But unfortunately we use them for practically everything we do. So. That ain't gonna happen. He's a temp, don't worry about him. Alice! Alright, stay awake ok? Toby: Hey Nellie. Mmm. I am so sick of February. It's the shortest month but it sure doesn't feel that way. We should catch up. Nellie: Um. Toby: Y'know I've been going over my notes from the trial... Nellie: Oh no. Toby: ...feel like I may have glossed over a few... Nellie: No no no no. Toby: ...minor points. Nellie: No. Toby, you cannot keep blathering on about this Scranton Strangler. Do something about it. Get it out of your system, whatever it takes. Toby: I've been drafting a letter. Nellie: For two years! Then what? Another year picking out a stamp? Another six months before you decide to lick it? Just- I don't want to hear it! Mark: My aunt Joan. Oh, uh well, she uh, she worked here before I did, so there's no nepotism involved. In fact, to be honest with you I'm probably a little harder on her than I am on the rest of these people. Ah, cute. Not work on this...work on this months. Ok Nana? Uh, when I say 'Chillax' people chillax. Watch this. Hey Roger, chillax! Must not have heard me. Roger: No. I heard you. Mark: Step this way for The Spanish Inquisition! [laughs] Kids in the Hall. Just, it's not high pressure. Just a little Coffee Talk. Ok? Like butta. Come on in here. Mike Myers. Pam: [Mouths] Oh my god. Andy: Thank you! Thanks, thanks a lot. Really appreciate it. You guys are supposed to have my back. OK? Instead you let a guy named Plop steal my girlfriend. Meredith: Hey boss, I did everything I could. I invited Pete out for drinks, I emailed him shots of my junk... Andy: Ugh. Meredith: Kid doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. Phyllis: Come on Andy, they're a good match. Andy: That doesn't matter. Ok? What matters is that I am hurt! Deep hurt inside of me. I don't care if they're Romeo and freaking Juliet! I feel like the guy that Juliet dated before Romeo. Probably her boss. And guess what? Juliet's boss also had feelings. Darryl: Hey, Andy. Andy: What?! Darryl: You've got a booger bubble going on there. Andy: [wipes nose] Sorry. Darryl: It's ok. Andy: My whole life is a booger bubble! Mark: This is a tiny resume. Papa Smurf! Come back to the mushroom. [Pam laughs] From The Smurfs movie. Pam: Yeah, I've seen that with my kids. Um, it is tiny, but I've actually been commissioned by the City of Scranton to paint a mural- Mark: What does this say here? To ti te per tat... what language is this? Swahili? Oh wait a second, now I can read it. Pam: Oh, cause it was upside down. [both laugh] Mark: You're a good audience. [Pam laughs] Pam: So um- Mark: Unlike some of these people around here. Pam: Yeah, the um, the city commissioned me to do the- Mark: Yeah, we don't have a lot of call for doodling around here. But I like this resume and here's why. It shows that you stick around. Yeah. You don't jump ship easily. Like a lot of these people. I mean they worship me you know? But do they like me? I mean...you think they like me, Pam? Pam: Yes. Mark: [gets guitar] What if Bob Dylan was your boss? I'm gonna do Dylan! [playing guitar and imitating Bob Dylan] Pam Halpert is my name, and I've been at Dunder Mifflin for seven years? Eight years? Eight years, man. Got the Dunder Mifflin blues. Got the Pam Halpert blues. Got the pra- went to the Pratt Institute...You have children? Pam: Two children, yes. Mark: You wrote Art and Painting, kinda the same thing. Kinda the same thing. Sometimes I repeat myself, but that's just being Pam. Well I'm kinda cute and I'm- but I'm married so...leave that be. Pete: Hey. You got a sec to talk? Andy: Kinda painful to chat with you Pete. Ever since the old one-two punch to my scrotum pole. Translation: penis. Translation? My manhood. Pete: Yeah. Look, uh I understand breakups are tough. You know, it happens to all of us at some point in life. But you've gotta move on. Andy: Great advice. Thank you, you can leave now. Erin: Listen to him, Andy. He's trying to tell you something that you really need to hear. Andy: Awesome perspective. Thanks for butting in. Pete: Well, I've been where you are now. I dated this girl Alice and it was an ugly breakup. She worked at a marketing agency right next to my house. I'd run into her every day but I had to grow up and deal with it, and I did. We're even Facebook friends now. Erin: See? We can all be friends! Pete: Yeah. Erin: Just, get over it. It doesn't have to be awkward. Pete: I do think we can have a fair... Andy: Yeah, so life gives you lemons and you've just gotta eat them, rinds and all. And if you don't want to eat them? Your ex-girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend. So that's fun. Mark: Nothing to see here! Boss at work. This will be your desk. Right up front. Best seat on the roller coaster, you must be this tall to ride this ride. No pregnant women allowed. Are you? Uh, yeah I don't- not allowed to ask. So... Pam: I am not pr- Mark: You're not. Pam: Pregnant, no. Mark: I didn't ask her if she was pregnant. She just offered it. The last three girls here all got pregnant. Pam: Wow. Mark: Don't be afraid, it's a different chair. I don't want a guy up here. I want to you know, see a woman come in and do a great job. Something that, I have to look out this window, I want someone- Pam: I'm sorry I thought this job was for the position of office manager. Mark: It is. Yeah, you would uh manage this office. Answer the phones and forward the calls and uh you know, go for a coffee run now and again. Pam: So, kinda like a receptionist. Mark: Yeah, like a receptionist, but we call you the office manager because uh, it's less demeaning. By the way, how long are these uh, cameras gonna be following you around? Because I think this is pretty cool. Pretty pretty cool. Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Do you like that show? Pam: Yes. Mark: Well, I think they indulge themselves a little too much. I like scripted. Pam: I spent 10 years as a receptionist, to Michael Scott. And I have kids now. And I just, I can't. Shirley: Ow! The braid is too tight. Angela: Oh hush. Loose braids reflect a loose character. Now stay still. Shirley: Yes ma'am. Angela: I think your hair is much too long for your age, by the way. Shirley: Ok. Angela: There. Shirley: Thank you Angela. Toby: I'm going to the prison. This afternoon. I'm gonna talk to the strangler. Nellie: Probably best to use his real name rather than strangler. Darryl: Don't use his real name. George Howard Scubb. It's a devil name. Toby: Well I just wanted to say I'm doing it. [Toby leaves] Nellie: He's doing it. Pam: [on phone] hey! Jim: Hey, how'd the interview go? Pam: Oh my gosh, wait until you. This guy was unbelievable. Ok so- Jim: I can't wait to hear about it later. Do you want to come in at eight? And uh, don't eat because I'm ordering in. Pam: Eight? Really? Jim: I'll make it worth your while, I promise. Pam: Sure. I mean, it's Philly. I can kill four hours. So uh, yeah. I'll see you at eight. Jim: Alright, love you. Pam: Love you. Alice: Hi. Erin: Hi. Alice: I'm here from BCI Marketing Consultants to meet with Andrew Bernard. Erin: Yes. The consultant. Andy said you can start right away so I will take you to your desk. Alice: Ok, great. Thanks. Meredith: Fresh meat! Fresh meat! [Making kissing noises] Erin: Just keep walking, don't give her anything. She'll take it and run. I'm Erin by the way. Alice: Nice to meet you. Cute sweater. Erin: Oh, thanks. Your shoes match. I'm bad at small talk. Kevin: I'm Kevin. Alice: Pete? Pete: Alice. Oh man. Alice: It's uh, been a while, huh? Erin: What, do you two know each other? Pete: Yeah. We uh, have a history. Erin: Oh. Alice: History. Wow, ok. We dated for two years. Erin: That's so random. Pete: Well. Is it? Erin: Andy also hired a management consultant today. Oh no. [runs to front office] Creed: Hey Erin, look who's back. The bird man. Gabe: Hello beautiful. Kevin: Didn't you two used to do it? Gabe: We absolutely did. Thank you for remembering that. Creed: She's looking good. Toby: Hi, I'm uh, Toby Flenderson. I'm here to see George Howard Scubb. Toby: This is the prison. Uh, I am not going in there with expectations, per say. Uh, I will meet George Howard Scubb. I will tell him that I believe he is innocent. I would understand if he felt motivated to hug me. I would understand if a friendship began. How did, how did Bogart put it? [imitating Humphrey Bogart] I think this is a start of my first friendship. Clark: So Pete was a librarian? Alice: He worked as a librarian freshman year. Clark: Was he like the sexy librarian? Pete: Ok. Alice: Is there like somebody who's in charge of marketing? Maybe I should sit near him or her. Andy: Hi. Alice: Hi. Andy: Hi, how's it going? Alice: Hi. [laughs] Good. I'd love to discuss strategy with you if you have a marketing p- Andy: Wow this sure is intense. Having to share a workspace with someone you used to get it on with? Pete: Andy, that is really inappropriate. Andy: Awkward. Pete: It is awkward. This is a really uncomfortable situation that you've contrived. Andy: [high pitched] Really uncomfortable situation. Pete: Yeah. Andy: It's alright Pete, you can handle it. I mean we all just gotta 'move on'. Ain't that right professor lecture much? Uh, question. How's that medicine taste? Your own flavored? Is it just me or have these tables turned? Hmm. Hmm. [leaves] Alice: So there's no marketing department. Clark: No. Pete: No. Gabe: You know, times were tough. I was unemployed, I was still heart-broken over you, I've lost a good fifty pounds. But as you can see I put all that weight right back on. Feel how fat my buttocks are. Yeah, it's crazy. Touch it. It's like a warm pumpkin. Erin: So Andy just called you up out of the blue? Gabe: Yeah. He told me you two broke up. Erin: Yeah. Gabe: You must be pretty horny. [Erin shakes head no] Nellie: well, the good news is no more guilty conscience. At least you know he is the strangler. The proof is in the grip. Did they say when the vocal cords would heal? [Toby nods] One week? [Toby shakes head] Ok, two weeks? [Toby nods] Ok. You offered your neck in search of the truth. The proud neck of justice. Isn't that the expression? No. Well, anyway, it was, it was very brave. It really was quite brave. Shirley: I feel like a show pony. Dwight: And you look like one too. Thank you Angela. Angela: You're welcome. Would you like some stew? Dwight: By all means. And I will carve the roast skunk. Angela? Angela: Mmhm. Dwight: Would you like the stink sack? Angela: Is it any good? Dwight: No, you don't eat it. It's a toy, like a wish bone. You know, prettiest girl gets the stink sack. Angela: Thank you. [both laugh] Shirley: So, when's the wedding? Angela: Oh, um actually uh, we are just friends. Shirley: That's what Mose said about his lady scarecrow and look what he did to that poor thing. Pam: Hello? Jim: Hey! Back here. Pam: Oh, wow. Seriously? Oh my gosh, is that champagne? Jim: Si, senor. Pam: Oh, Jim I should have told you I didn't get the job. Jim: Oh man. I'm so sorry. Are you alright? Pam: Oh, yeah. I'm more than alright. There's just nothing to celebrate. Jim: Are you kidding? We're in Philly. We're having dinner together. And this is just consolation champagne. It's from the part of France that immediately gave up to the Nazis. Here. Pam: [laughs] You're very quick on your feet. I remember you. Funny. Jim: Alright. So, tell me all about it. Dwight: Ok. Well, gosh. Thank you for your help today. Your perspective was very useful. Thank you. Angela: It was not an unpleasant way to spend an afternoon. [They shake hands. Then kiss] Dwight, Dwight. Dwight: Right. Not outside. The horseflies. You know what? My farm is only a few acres East of here. Or, we could use the slaughterhouse. Angela: No, Dwight. The Senator. Dwight: Leave him. He probably won't even notice that you're gone. Be with me, Monkey. Angela: I can't be your monkey, Dwight. Dwight: I'm not talking about some frisky romp in the warehouse. We have wasted too much of our lives ignoring the fact that we belong together. The eighty or ninety years that I have left in this life...I want to spend with you. Angela: I made a vow. I gave my word. Dwight: Stand by your man. It's what I would want if you were mine. Angela: Good night, D. Erin: How are you doing? Is it really rough? Pete: It is so unpleasant. You? Andy: Hey, love turds. Conference room, now. Andy: Thank you all for coming in. Just wanted to check in. How is everyone's day? Gabe: Honestly, it was a little weird. Andy: Really? Hmm. That's interesting. Because Erin and Pete thought it wouldn't be weird at all. Why do you think it was weird, Gabe? Maybe because you and Erin used to be an item? Gabe: I still wear Erin's button-downs around the condo sometimes. So it feels to me like we're still in a relationship- Erin: Gabe! Gabe: ...a lot of the time. Andy: And Alice, uh, I understand you once dumped Pete, ouch. Pete: Dude, it was an amicable break up Andy. Alice: Ok, while we're rewriting history, you never had a drinking problem. Pete: It was college. That is what you do. Alice: Yeah you're also supposed to go to classes, so there's that. Erin: Hey, Andy, is this at all work related? Andy: We'll get to that. Gabe, did Erin ever tell you that she loves you? Gabe: [laughs] Oh no no no no no no. She wouldn't even let me say it. It was adorable. She would plug her ears and scream her heat out. Erin: Gabe, can you stop talking? Cause every word out of your mouth is like the squawk of an ugly pelican. Gabe: I got a tattoo for you. Erin: I didn't ask you to get that Nike Swoosh. Nobody did! You did that for you! Gabe: Just do it. You were the it that I was just doing. Alice: So you're dating a secretary now? Moving up in the world, Pete. Pete: She's nice to me. Alice: How's that P.E. degree coming? That's what he wanted to be. His dream in college was to be a gym teacher. Erin: Well, guess what? He could still be a gym teacher. In fact, we could all still be gym teachers, so, let's- Gabe: I technically cannot. I don't have the lung capacity to blow a whistle. Pete: Oh my god. Gabe: What kind of music are you into, Peter? Pete: Uh, I like all kinds of music, Gabe. Gabe: Really? All kinds? So you like songs of hate written by the white knights of the Ku Klux Klan? Pete: No! Gabe: Erin, are you even hearing this? Erin: He didn't even say that. Alice: He is not a very sophisticated man, I mean he can't even use chopsticks, so. Do I need to say anything else? Gabe: Erin, I've been to Japan. I know how to use chopsticks so well. Come back. One night. Erin: Gabe, I don't- Gabe: Give me one night with you... Erin: What is that supposed to mean? Gabe: I have shaved everything... Erin: I don't want you to shave everything. Alice: I wasted two years of my life on you, you realize that right?! Pete: I just want to be real clear that chopsticks is not the measure of a man. [Erin and Gabe argue in background] Gabe: I am as smooth as a porpoise. {Erin argues] Pete: Why don't you say in the beginning: 'This isn't really going that well' Gabe: Shove his sashimi! Erin: What do you-! Alice: Because I had to wait- [all argue] Andy: Alright, yes. That is a legitimate question. Does making Erin and Pete feel bad make me feel better? [Erin & Gabe and Alice & Pete argue in background] Yeah. Yeah, it does. Pam: So, imagine like the real estate version of Michael Scott and that was this guy. He did half the interview as Ace Ventura. Jim: Tell me about the cologne. How much? Pam: Oh, uh, entire bottle. At least. Jim: You're definitely hoarding this by the way. Pam: Guess what poster he had on his wall? Jim: Austin Powers. Pam: MmMm. Jim: Ferris Bueller. Pam: MmMm. You're getting colder. Jim: Not Night at the Roxbury. Pam: [laughs] No. The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Jim: I'm sorry, how did you think I was expected to guess that? Pam: I don't know, but it's interesting right? Jim: It's fascinating. Pam: He said he can't help but tear up when he looks at it. It's like right next to his desk. He must look at it twenty times a day. Jim: That's amazing. Well, listen. You can't win 'em all, right? Pam: Mmhm. Jim: So, next interview has to be better. Pam: I don't know. Jim: What do you mean? Of course it will. You're amazing. Pam: I know. It's just even if it was, a great boss and a great job, I just, I don't know, I don't know if I want, um, I don't know if I want this. Jim: [long pause] Huh. This is a little out of left field. Pam: Is it? I just, I liked our life in Scranton. Jim: And I have started a business in Philadelphia. [Pam shrugs] Oscar's Computer: My grandfather know. Mah Jong will be here to stay. Hobbies of the East continues in a moment. Oscar: You could all be doing this, just saying. Oscar: I watch way too many ads online and I don't do enough situps. So I bought these. Now, every time an ad pops up online, I get 30 seconds of ab blasting. I call it Ads for Abs. Ironically, I learned about the boots from an ad online. Stanley: Why can't you just do regular sit-ups? Oscar: I'll tell you why. Because...the floor...is...disgusting. Yeah, my trainer said everybody fails working out, that's how you win. Alright [tries to pull himself up] Ok. Kevin? A little help buddy? Kevin: Oh, why don't your famous stomachs help you now? Oscar: Can someone please help me? Phyllis: Ow, these teas are hot, can someone help me please? [Erin moves Oscar out of the way for Phyllis] Oscar: Just- People! I'm not going anywhere. Soon, my core will get strong again and when that happens I'll be able to- Head rush! Ah! Can someone please help me? [Kevin shuts door] I- Hey! I'm not going anywhere! I'll be right here! Oh that's not good. [Oscars computer reads: Coming this May: The Office: An American Workplace. Ten years in the making, a look at the lives and loves of an average American small business office.] Hey guys! I've got twenty bucks for anyone who will help me. Kevin, would you like a pizza?

Dwight: [as elevator door closes] Hold it! Creed: [notices something new about Dwight] New glasses. Erin: Dwight. What a ridiculous, fancy clown you are. Dwight: I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died. Pam: Oh, Dwight. I'm so sorry. Were you guys close? Dwight: I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother. Dwight: My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt. Jim: My condolences. Dwight: Keep them. Jim: OK. Now, what do we got in these two pails? Dwight: In keeping with Schrute custom, I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face. Or, I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief, with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil. Erin: [after Dwight tosses dirt on her face] What color is it? Phyllis: It looks pretty black. Kevin: [after Dwight tosses dirt in his face] Yep. Acidic, all right. Oscar: [while Dwight prepares to toss dirt] Oh, thank god. Dwight: Excuse me? Oscar: I'm so sorry, Dwight. And if you want me to be there, of course I will go. I just... have a personal training session... Dwight: OK. That's not... [tosses red dirt in Oscar's face] Oscar: I get red dirt. Nobody is getting red dirt. I should've kept my mouth shut. We're not even that close. I've only known Dwight... 12 years. 12 years. Time is a son of a bitch. Jim: [as Dwight prepares to throw dirt in his face] I'm sure... I'm sure she's in a better place. Dwight: I really hope so. [unexpectedly tosses dirt in Pam's face] Jim: OK. [as Dwight mixes coffee with dirt in his hand] This is crazy. You can't make a dirt ball. Dwight: I miss her so much. Jim: OK. Dwight: You know? [Dwight screams and throws dirt ball at Jim] Mose: [playing guitar and singing 'Oh What a Beautiful Morning'] Zeke's here. Dwight: Zeke. Zeke: Hey, Dwight. Mose, Mom says 'hi'. Mose: Hi' to Mom. Dwight: Are you going? Mose: Will there be ghosts there? Dwight: [simultaneously with Zeke] Get in the sidecar. Get in the sidecar. Zeke: You get in the sidecar. Dwight: Get... Dwight: [at the grave site, to Oscar] What are you doing here? Oscar: You invited me. You threw the red dirt in my face. Dwight: [smirking] Oh, yeah. Oscar: [as a car approaches the grave site] Who is that? Dwight: Jeb, my brother. Oscar: You have a brother? Dwight: Uh-huh. Jeb: I didn't really see a better parking spot. [drives into the dug grave] Whoa! Look what I did. It's a rental. [Dwight approaches and hugs him] You wanna go in? [both attempt to put the other in the dug grave] Erin: [upon seeing Todd Packer enter the office] Oh, gosh. Todd Packer: Hey, Moonface. Nice to see those shiny, little Chinese eyes of yours. Clark: [to Pam] Who's this guy? Pam: ' bad. Todd Packer: Hi, all. Phyllis: Why are you here, Todd? Todd Packer: OK. Let's get right to it. I guess. My name is Todd Packer and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous and step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm here to make amends. I've been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did. Kevin: Packer, we accept. [others disagree] Todd Packer: Actually, they have a specific way I need to do this. And, I have to go through examples of stuff. OK. Uh, where to begin. [to Pam] Hey. Pam-pam and her pam-pams. Wow. I have said some crude things about those. But, they are beautiful. And, I guess that's why I acted out. Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you. And, personified your breasts. Sorry, guys. [to Phyllis] Oh boy. I have not been nice to you. Philly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin, [points to Clark] this kid in a few years. Pam: Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology. Todd Packer: Why can't I just be nice? Truth is, I really like you guys. I really do. OK. The apology's just half of it. The big thing is making amends. And, that's why I brought these. I went out to the Steamtown Mall and I got you all cupcakes. From that place 'Nipples'. Pam: I think it's called 'Nibbles'. Todd Packer: Huh. The mind sees what it wants to, huh? [hands cupcake to Erin] There you go. Pam: Hey, hey, guys. Wait. Before we accept these cupcakes, I think we need to have a conversation privately in the conference room. Don't eat the cupcake. German Minister: We are here today to join this woman and the ground. Man is born of woman and his life is full of turmoil. Jeb: [gathers and tastes soil] Huh. It's crap soil. Nothing's going to grow here. Dwight: Doesn't matter. It's a cemetery. Jeb: Yeah, well, I'm just saying it's garbage soil, that's all. Dwight: Well, the only thing we're planting here is dead bodies. Jeb: It's fine 'cause they're not going to grow. Dwight: Well, thank god they're not because we don't want to make zombies. Jeb: Good. I agree. Don't worry about it. You won't get any. German Minister: Would the family care to say something? Dwight: You had black hair and then gray hair. Zeke: You were the aunt to my cousins. Most of your life you were 5'4', at the end you were 5'1'. Oscar: They're a descriptive people. Fannie: [approaches and hugs Dwight] I see you started without me. Dwight: You were late. So, what am I supposed to do? Fannie: Well, I told you... Jeb: Hi, Fannie. Fannie: Hey. Oscar: Who is that? Zeke: Dwight's sister. Oscar: Dwight has a sister? Zeke: Yeah. Oscar: She's beautiful. Zeke: Blugh. Dwight: [to his nephew Cameron] Hello, little man. Haven't seen you in a few years. [after a weak handshake] What is this? Oh, god. [after a truck with many girls in the bed pulls up] Henry. Henry: Dwight. Dwight: I see Esther's back in town. Esther: Hi Dwight. Dwight: Hi Esther. Nice of you to come today. Esther: This was on the way. We're going into town after. I need yarn. Dwight: Well, if you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter those chickens. Fannie: We're at a funeral. There's a funeral going on here. Dwight: OK. Henry: Anyone mention her height? Zeke: Yep. Henry: Land size? [all shake heads] [removes hat] Shirley, at 1600 acres, you have the largest farm in the area. Sharing borders with six other farms. Including my own farm. And your nephew Dwight's. [replaces hat] OK. [drives away] Dwight: So, let's get it going. German Minister: [approaches Fannie, offering a shotgun] Would you want to do the honors? Fannie: Oh, right. Uh, you know, I don't think we have to do this. Dwight: We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness. Oscar: [after Dwight opens coffin and begins firing into it] That's it for me. [exits] Pam: I don't think we should eat Packers' cupcakes. We can't give him the satisfaction. Phyllis: I agree. Even though that place has a way of making those cupcakes so they're dense. But, they're also really fluffy. Pam: We can't let him buy our forgiveness with cupcakes. He was awful to us. And, he still is. How much is a cupcake? $2.50? Is that the price of our dignity? Creed: $3.75 a cupcake, actually. $3.67 if you buy a dozen. Creed: I never forget a number. Names? In one ear and out the other. Places? Nope. Faces? That's rich. But, numbers? I have a gift. I guess that's why I'm an accountant. Clark: Hey, man. I don't think we've met. I'm Clark. Todd Packer: Oh. I'm Todd. Oh, sorry for calling you a fat, little runt earlier. Clark: You didn't actually say that. Todd Packer: No? Wow. I'm in this mode now where I'm apologizing for thoughts that are in my head. [Clark fake laughs] Hey. I have a crazy feeling [hands Clark a cupcake] that you are really gonna like this. Stanley: Maybe we should eat the cupcakes. Haven't we done enough to Packer? I mean, we sent him down to Florida on a prank. [to Nellie] And you did fire him. Nellie: I did. I did, yes. And it was purely political. He did nothing wrong. Pam: Would any of you be saying any of this if the cupcakes were from Supermart? Angela: Do they even have a bakery anymore? Kevin: They do. It's awful. And, it's getting worse every day. Pam: So, it really is just about the cupcakes. Andy: Wow, you're right. It is just about the cupcakes. Phyllis: So, we're all agreed? No one touches those cupcakes? Meredith: [as all agree] OK. Phyllis: OK. Packer can go to hell. Aunt Shirley: [on a recorded video] Thank you for coming to my funeral. As I gaze at life's big sunset, I can't help but wonder where it all went wrong. You've all disappointed me greatly. Fannie. A single mamma in the city. Dwight: [agreeing with Shirley] Thank you. Aunt Shirley: Jeb. A street pusher. Jeb: After I left the army, I bought a 9-acre worm farm from a Californian. Turns out 'worm' means something else out there. And, I am now in the business of... pain management. Or, the smoking of pain management. Dwight: I can't stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer. He could've grown anything. Anything in the world. He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant, one sandwhich. Aunt Shirley: We can't just sit by and watch our family farm disappear. So, here are my terms. Dwight, Fannie, Jeb. If you come back home, I will leave you my farm. So, there, you have it. Fannie: Is she crazy? [as Dwight considers] Dwight? Jeb: Buddy? Buddy? Fannie: No, no, no. Jeb: Snap out of it. Dwight? Dwight: Let's do this. Let's run Aunt Shirley's farm. I'm in. Boom. Fannie: No, no, no. I'm not moving back here. Are you crazy? Dwight: Of course you are. Fannie: Look. I, I don't want to be mean or like insulting. I know that you like it here. But, Dwight, it's just that farm life lacks a certain... sort of sophistication. Dwight: Oh my god. Fannie: That Cammy and I are drawn to. And, I don't know. The men are just... it's almost like there's a... a willing ignorance. Fannie: Yes. I, thank you for asking me. I actually have written a little bit of poetry. That's crazy. And, I was recently published. Which is just... [reaches in to bag, removes folded paper] maybe I have. Yep. I do. Here it is from the um, Hartford Women's Lit Quarterly.com. A Willing Ignorance by Fannie Schrute. Jeb: Totally. Yep. The people here are like [makes farting sound, laughs] Like a fart. You know what I'm saying? Like a fart? Dwight: You know what? Let's take a couple of nights and stay here and think about Aunt Shirley's offer. Jeb: Couple of nights couldn't hurt. Fannie: Uh, somehow how I think a couple of nights could hurt. Dwight: You will say 'yes' on one. Five, four, three, two, get ready to say 'yes', one. Yes. Zeke: [as Dwight says 'yes'] Absolutely. Zeke: Growing up with Dwight and Mose was not easy. Uh, Dwight was obviously the cool one. And, Mose was the visionary. Which left me to be the comedian. Fannie: That doesn't work on me. Dwight: OK. Fannie: By the way, that's not... Dwight: [counts down in French] Fannie: Very funny. OK. Oui, oui, oui. Dwight: Oui. Fannie: Oh my goodness. Dwight: [while everyone is gathered playing and singing 'Sons & Daughters'] People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport, then I can use it to get my siblings to care about the farm. Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck. Fannie: [after seeing Dwight lay something down in front of Esther] So, I forgot about this old custom. If a man is interested in courting a woman, he may throw the beaks of a crow at her. And then, if she's interested in accepting the courtship, she has to destroy the beaks. [Esther crushes the beaks leaving Dwight satisfied] Todd Packer: Hey, uh, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for screwing you. Meredith: I'm not sorry about it. Todd Packer: I am. It was my rock bottom. Angela: [while Kevin stares at his cupcake] Kevin, you can do this. Kevin: You don't know that. Pam: Kevin, um, let's think of something to distract us. Uh, like the movie Skyfall. You loved the movie Skyfall, right? Angela: Uh-huh. Kevin: James Bond was a spy. Pam: Yes. He was a good spy. Kevin: Yeah. He was the best. James Bond would love this cupcake. Todd Packer: Hey, you know what? It was, uh, great to see you all again. Take care. [exits] Todd Packer: I am going through a twelve-step program. I'm currently on step zero. Which is have a [expletive] of fun. I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting and then layering in a variety of drugs, some legal, some not. Some laxative, some constipating. You don't fire the Pac-Man and expect to get away with it. Pam: Guys, I'm proud of us. I think we did the right thing. [after noticing Angela easting cupcake] Hey! Angela: What, Pam? Pam: [as others eat] Wait! Angela: He's gone. It's just a cupcake now. Pam: No, no. It's the principle of the thing. Andy: [exits office, chewing] Oh my god. I forgive him so much. [Kevin begins making choking sounds] Whoa, is he choking? Angela: Kevin? Kevin: [after long choking and refusing help from Meredith] Oh, that was fantastic. Cameron: [after following Dwight to the chicken coop, before sunrise] Is it dangerous to take the eggs in front of them? Dwight: Yes, very. You really need to stand back because these are killer chickens. Cameron: I was just asking you something I didn't know. Dwight: Which is fine. And, you learned something. But, it was kind of a stupid question so you're gonna get made fun of a little bit. Cameron: [after grabbing an egg] Are we gonna eat these today? Dwight: If you want. Cameron: Is that a guillotine? Dwight: This? No. That'd be cool, though. It's for milking. Cameron: [referencing goat] That's a cow? Dwight: Did you just ask me if this was a cow? Cameron: [after seeing Dwight smelling milk] What are you doing now? Dwight: Come here. Come on. Grab a teat with each hand. Sit down. There you go. Squeeze from top to bottom. Really pull. Use some muscle. Draw the milk out. All right. Going all right? Cameron: I don't know. Dwight: Well, is the udder hot? Is the milk clumpy? Cameron: I don't know any of that. Dwight: OK, you suck at this. Give me those teats. Didn't your father teach you anything? Cameron: I never met him. Pam: Good morning, Erin. Erin: [looking disheveled] Hey. Pam: Hey, everybody. Um, I decided to eat my cupcake. I thought about it last night. I talked to Jim. I talked to my sister. And, I think that, as long as Todd Packer doesn't know, it's OK. Phyllis: I don't care what you do, Pam. Just please stop making noise. Pam: Phyllis! Clark: Packer laced the cupcakes. Pam: No! Meredith: Did you get diarrhea or were you stoned? Angela: Some of us got both. [raises hand] Pam: Oh my god! Is everyone OK? Phyllis: Last night, I got out all of my old dolls and played with them on the living room floor. Then, I ordered ten American Girl outfits online. It was thousands of dollars. Nellie: Yeah? Well, count yourself lucky, Phyllis. I got the toilet. Stanley: Me too. [holds up four fingers] Clark: I went Christmas caroling in March and I fertilized some bushes along the way. So, not my best night. But, not my worst night. Phyllis: What did you do, Andy? Andy: Last night? Oh, god, um, I don't know. [cuts to him arm wrestling Kevin] Na, nothing really. Kevin? Kevin: Why would you ask me? Andy: I'm not, a... I'm just. I don't know. [cuts to him spinning a plate like a record and Kevin dancing] Oh. Gosh. I actually. It is hard to recall. Um. [cuts to he and Kevin sitting on a table touching each others face] Pretty normal night. Kevin: [he and Andy embrace each other in tears] My night was just like that. [cuts to him and Andy trading clothes] Meaning normal. Andy: Yeah. I didn't see you last night at all. [cuts to him dancing by prostrate Kevin] Kevin: Nope. I did not see you either. Pam: Wow. He is officially the worst human being. Kevin: [as Pam attempts to throw cupcake away] Ah. [stops Pam and takes cupcake] Pam: But, Kevin that's... Kevin: Yeah. No, I understand, Pam. I understand. Angela: [shaking head in disbelief] No. Todd Packer: So, that's it. I just wanted to make amends. [slides cupcakes across table to Darryl and Jim] Darryl: That's big of you, man. Takes a lot of courage. Jim: Ooh, red velvet. I should apologize too. Todd Packer: It's OK. I'm over it. Jeb: Oof. This is no nine-acre worm farm. This is a beast. Whoever's managing this thing is gonna have a hell of a job. Not it. Fannie: Not it. Dwight: It. [to Fannie] That kid doesn't put in some farm time, he's gonna stay like that. Fannie: All right.

Kevin: Uh oh. She's doing it again. Pam: Phyllis has gotten into audio books and lately she's been listening to 50 Shades of Grey. Which, if you don't know what it is, it's a book about um... Clark: It's porn. Pam: Yeah. Dwight: [Phyllis rocks her chair into his provocatively] Seriously. Ugh. Ok, this is unacceptable. It's officially a hostile work environment. Phyllis: Why? Darryl: Somebody just needs to get her attention, tell her it's not OK to do this in public. Pam: Be careful. I pulled my mom's dog off a pillow once, and I got bit. Meredith: Just ignore her. Sooner or later she'll finish. Group: Ugh. Ew. Andy: What? Dwight: Phyllis is masturbating. In the office right now as we speak. Angela: Can we skip the color commentary and just have Andy go out there and fire her? Toby: He- he can't do that. Turns out she's allowed to have feelings of sexual arousal. It doesn't become a violation until she physically acts on it. Group: No! Oscar: Toby, how do you propose that we- Andy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Why is Phyllis so aroused? Pam: She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey. Andy: Well there you go. That's muy caliente. Dwight: OK, you are useless. I'll take care of this. [walks out of Andy's office and dumps water on Phyllis] Phyllis: What the hell?! Dwight: It's OK guys, she's no longer horny. Andy: Excuse me, dirty birdie [takes Phyllis' iPod] Phyllis: Wait, what? Andy: You can have this back at the end of the day. [cut to Andy listening to the iPod and looking aroused, water is dumped on him] Oh!! Dwight: Clark, I need your advice. I'm having some lady troubles. Clark: What's her name? Dwight: Esther Ruger. [Angela makes a face in the background] Clark: Sweet. Dwight: Lives on the neighboring farm. 85 acres. Clark: Oh yeah. Keep talkin'. Dwight: Well, we've been out three times, there has been physicality but the thing is we were hanging out with her father the other night looking at a farm catalog, next thing I know he wants to lease a tractor with me. Clark: Oh. Dwight: [laughs] What do you think? Clark: The same thing that you think. Dwight: A long term tractor lease is going to put pressure on a relationship. Clark: God, one of my buddies is going through the same thing right now. Something in the air. Angela: Here you go. And good for you Dwight, I'm so glad you found someone. I bet she's got kind eyes. Angela: Dwight is dating a brussel sprout farmer named Esther. She's coming here this afternoon with her father. Who knows? Maybe she'll be pulling the horse cart! [laughs] Pam: [on phone] Cici has been calling me 'Pamela'. Like four times this week. Jim: Oh man. [laughs] Pam: I wonder if she'll start calling you 'Jim'. Jim: Oh boy, please don't. Let's not let that happen. Pam: [laughs] Um. Jim: What was I gonna- What was I gonna say? Pam: You're- You know your assistant told me that you have a big pitch meeting today. With Ryan Howard. How did that happen? Jim: Not that Ryan Howard. Um, the Phillies' first baseman. Pam: Oh, oh OK. Jim: Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Pam: [sighs] Um, Ok. Well? Jim: Yeah. So, uh, I'll uh, talk to you later? Pam: Yeah, sounds good. Ok. Jim: Ok great. Pam: Ok. Jim: Bye. Pam: Bye. Kevin: [Meredith laughs] What's going on? Oh, did Gangnam Style put out a new song? Oscar: There's a promo for the new documentary on the web. Phyllis: Play it again. Promo Voice: [Music begins, Michael Scott is shown] The boss. [Pam and Dwight are shown in episodes past] The workers. [Ryan and Michael are shown] The lives. [Jim and Pam and Dwight and Angela are shown] The loves. [More flashback clips] The people. The paper. The Office: An American Workplace. Coming soon on WVIA. Kevin: Whoa. You go to the bathroom for 45 minutes and everything changes. Kevin: This is a documentary? Oh, I always thought we were like specimens in a human zoo. Kevin: [Angela is rewatching the promo and looks nervous about the part with her and Dwight] Did you see this? [lifts monitor in her direction] Angela: Your screen is all black. You just unplugged your computer. Clark: [Pam smiles as she watches the promo with her and Jim on the roof] Oh my god, is that you and Jim? Pam: Uh huh. Clark: Jeez, you fell in love with that hair? Really? [laughs] Yikes. That is awful. Pam: It wasn't so bad. Andy: Guys, are you reading the online comments? Somebody commented on my banjo playing. 'Banjo at 0:19 is aight' Internet, calm down! I must be really connected with this guy. I mean that's the guy's name, right? ChobbleGobbler? Jim: Hey man, how you doin'? Jim Halpert. Ryan Howard: Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh. Darryl: Hey, man. Darryl. Ryan Howard: Hey there, Ryan. Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh. [to camera] Eat Fresh. Jim: Let's go to the conference room. Dwight: Esther's on her way up. I wonder if she wants a snack. Let's see, I know she likes apples and carrots. Angela: I bet she does. I bet she'll eat them right out of your hand with those big strong teeth. Dwight: Did I tell you about her teeth? Erin: Hey Dwight, you have some guests. I think they're from the forest where we harvest our paper. Angela: Yes. Dwight: Ah, the Ruger family. Welcome. Mr. Ruger: Fine office you have here. Sturdy walls. Dwight: Yes. Esther, you look radiant as always. Esther: Thank you. [Dwight kisses her forehead] Angela: I guess men find Esther attractive. I mean if there are chubby chasers, then there are men that like that...thing. Pam: Weird to see how we used to look in those promos. Some of us have changed so much. Stanley: [eating soft pretzel] We've all changed. Jim: With our firm, you'll be building equity for long after they've retired your number. Darryl: And we all know, baseball does not last forever. Ryan Howard: I look at these actors on TV and I think: 'C'mon, I can do that.' Jim: Right? [laughs] Ryan Howard: Watch this: Eat Fresh. Now what does that make you think of? Darryl: Subway sandwiches. Jim: Yep. Ryan Howard: How? I didn't say Subway sandwiches. It's called playing the subtext. Jim: Wow. Ryan Howard: I actually wrote a screenplay, it's called 'The Big Piece' Jim: Based on his nickname. Like it already. Let me guess, it's autobiographical. Ryan Howard: Half biopic and half superhero movie. A mild mannered professional baseball player, Ryan Howard- Jim: OK Ryan Howard: #NAME? Darryl: The space dust does it. Jim: Space dust. Darryl: Yeah. Ryan Howard: I actually brought a- some copies of my script if you guys wanna read it together. Jim: Sure, yeah. [laughs] Hollywood. [Ryan Howard pulls out 3 thick scripts] Alright. Darryl: Wow. Yeah, we gonna read it. Jim: Ok, great. Kevin: Andy, are there documentary groupies? Andy: Of course there are! Kevin: Of course. Toby: A little ironic that I'm going to be kind of a TV star, because my last Chad Flendermen novel [groups groans] was based on a murdered TV star. The small screen- Nellie: Oh, I don't care. Oscar: Hey guys, I just found another promo. It's in Danish. I guess it's gonna start airing in Denmark. Pam: Oh my god! Promo Announcer: [Speaks Danish] Kevin: What was that word they said when they showed me 'Skrald mand'? What's that mean in Danish? Cool guy? [Oscar looks it up] Oscar: Dumpster Man. Kevin: Cool. Superhero. Angela: What about me? 'Klokken tre pige' Oscar: 'Three PM Girl' Angela: What? Why would they...wait a second, wait a second! What was that? [pauses on her and Dwight leaving the warehouse area where they've just had sex] Oh! I didn't know they were filming then! Oscar: It looks like the camera man was hiding behind the shelves. Phyllis: Wait. So they were filming all the time? Even when we didn't know it? Angela: Oh my god. [All look at camera horrified] Angela: There was much more secret filming than I expected. [laughs] But I am fine with it, I mean it. I am. Oscar: Are you kidding me? It's like half the show is secret footage. Meredith: I am a very private person. I show 'em when I wanna show 'em. Who wants a taste? [lifts shirt to flash camera] Boob sauce! Group: No! Oscar: Meredith! Angela: Come on! Nellie: Oh my god. Do they film us at night when we're sleeping? Oscar: Yes, Erin. They film us at night when we're sleeping. Cause that makes great TV! Erin: Hey. Angela: Oscar. Oscar: I'm sorry sweetie. This whole thing is just freaking me out. Oscar: I have been very honest with you guys. In a way that could seriously impact the political career of a very good friend of mine. You're not going to use any of that, are you? Andy: People, relax! We are killing it online. Have you guys checked the comments? SmokeThatSkinwagon says: 'You guys are killing it!' I mean, we're internet sensations guys! Angela: I think we need to figure out what's going on. I might just take a little walk. Stanley: Yes, a little walk sounds like a good idea. [groups moves to warehouse and you can hear Erin whispering something] Oscar: Ok everyone, turn off your mikes. Angela: We need to know more. Did their shots have sound? What exactly did they get on tape? Erin: I sneezed into my hands without using Purell and then dipped into the candy jar. Did they film that? Nellie: My first week here I sneezed directly into the candy jar because I thought I'd get more [Angela and Oscar make disgusted faces] I thought I'd get more screen time than anyone. Pete: Ok, Pam. Why don't you visit your buddy, the crew guy that got fired? Find out what they got. Pam: Brian? Pete: Yeah. Pam: Yeah, I guess I could. Stanley: Hurry Pam, I need to know how much hellfire is going to rain down on me. Phyllis: I thought Terry knew about Cynthia? Stanley: She does. But neither of them know about Lydia. Group: Oh! Meredith: Wow. Clark: Whoa! Whoa! OK, so what's this lever do? Ruger Sister 1: That manipulates the secondary shaft. Clark: Oh, the secondary shaft. Eeeh, oooga! [laughs] Salesmen: The lift capacity's up at two thousand pounds. That's a lot of beets. Mr. Ruger: Let's talk terms. If you agree to a forty sixty split on this tractor, I'll store it in one of my barns. Dwight: Mr. Ruger, are you trying to take advantage of me because I'm interested in your daughter? Fifty fifty split or no deal. Mr. Ruger: Esther, get in the truck. Dwight: Ok ok ok, wait! You win. [shakes hands] Salesman: Let's get the paperwork started. Ruger Sister 2: We should buy an auger together. Clark: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Ruger Sister 1: You would be a great one to buy an auger with. Stanley: [on phone] Hello, honey? I just spoke to the TV repair man, he says we need to keep our TVs turned off for a couple of months. Something about the wiring. Andy: Oh! Seven new comments. 'The guy at 0:19 is hawt!' [typing] 'Hi Bongripper, it's me, Andy. The guy from 0:19, I'm glad that you enjoyed my work in that promo. I really enjoyed your comment, going to read some more comments now. Have a great day!'[reading] 'He's not hawt, he's gay.' [typing] 'Dear JasonJasonJason, it's me, Andy. Nice name. Not! Guess what? I'm not gay! So you are an IDIOT. And I am hawt, according to people on this site who have a brain. Never comment on this page ever again.' [reading] 'He is hawt!' See, thank you, that's more like it. 'He is butt.' God dammit! I'm about to lose my FREAKING MIND! Screw you TexasPoonTappa! Uh! Dwight: Security deposit. That's been- Mr. Ruger: Standard. Dwight: Right, standard. Clark: Hey, can I talk to you for one second? Dwight: No. Clark: One second. Dwight: No. Clark: One second. Dwight: I am closing a deal on a tractor with the father of a woman I plan to inseminate. Clark: Don't do it. [takes Dwight's pen] Dwight: What? Don't you cap that pen. Do not cap that pen! Do not! Ugh! You capped it. Wow. You are serious. Ok, you've got two minutes and then the cap comes off. Clark: Dude, we're being conned. Dwight: Go on. Clark: These chicks are way too hot to be into us. Esther's just pretending to like you so that you'll buy her daddy a new tractor. Dwight: No. Clark: Yes. Her sister's trying to seduce me into buying an auger with her. Dwight: What? Has the warranty expired on the auger you have now? Clark: I don't even know what an auger is! Dwight: No woman would ever want a man who doesn't know what an auger is. Mr. Ruger: Hey, you ready to sign? Dwight: I just need a moment to consider your offer. Excuse me. [grabs Clark] Brian: Oh, hey! Pam: Hey! Brian: Hi. [laughs] Pam: Hi, um. I'm sorry, do you have a minute? Is this a bad time? Brian: No, no, please, yeah, come on in. It's good to see you. Sorry, my place is usually not this- Pam: Oh my gosh, please, don't. Brian: Yeah, no, I- actually it's always like this. [laughs] Do you want to go outside? It's a little less cluttered out there. Pam: Sure, yeah. Yeah. Brian: Let me grab a couple drinks. Pam: OK. [Goes out onto terrace] Oh wow, you have a nice view. Brian: Alright, that's for you. [hands her beer] Pam: Oh, thank you. Brian: Cheers. Pam: Cheers. Angela: [Plays boom box to drown out sound] Alright, how much have you revealed on camera about your relationship with the senator? Oscar: They caught us kissing on Halloween. Angela: Oh! He was dressed like Ronald Reagan! [Slaps Oscar] Oscar: Oh! Angela: God! Oscar: Angela! Well he kissed like Jack Kennedy! Angela: Oh! [slaps him again] Stop it! Stop kissing him! Someone needs to call and warn him. This could ruin his career. Oscar: Well, I don't like giving him bad news. Angela: Call him! Oscar: You call him! Angela: Call him! [hits Oscar] Oscar: Stop hitting me! Angela: Call him! Call him! Oscar: No! Brian: So... Pam: So.. Brian: What brings you by? Pam: Well, the promo for the documentary aired today. Brian: Oh yeah, that's right. Pam: Yeah. It's kinda crazy. Brian: Yeah, it is. Pam: See all this like old stuff, like um, there's that shot of Jim and I up on the roof? Brian: Oh yeah, that was, that was a good moment. Pam: Yeah, wasn't that neat? Brian: Yeah, it was cool. Pam: Yeah, and there's this one when we were listening to music and it's like, it's like w were in love and we didn't even know we were in love and it's...but- Do you think Jim's changed? Brian: Um... Pam: I'm sorry. Did that? That was out of the blue- Brian: No no, it's- Pam: I just mean because you know us and you like observed us for ten years and I feel like he's- I just feel like...he's so into his work right now and...I don't know, am I crazy? Brian: No, you're not crazy. Pam: Well, I wish that made me feel better. Listen, so everybody saw the promos and they're kinda freaking out. [Brian laughs] Cause it seems like you got a lot of private stuff on camera- Brian: Yeah. Pam: You know, stuff people didn't intend for everyone to see. And they kinda want to know how much. Brian: They want to know how much what? Pam: How much stuff you got. Brian: Pretty much everything. Pam: Well yeah, but what if we turned our mike packs? Brian: They've got parabolic mikes, they can pick you up a hundred yards away, so...no if you were around there, they got you. Pam: So we basically had no privacy for ten years. Brian: That's not really true, I mean- Pam: Um...yeah, I gotta, I gotta go. Brian: Oh no, hang on a second. Pam, I'm sorry, I- I- I can explain this so much better. Pam: No I think you explained it. Brian: Look, if you give me a chance I can, I- [Pam leaves] Pam. Jim: 'Together we will win this baseball game against the evil space Yankees. Eat Fresh.' Ryan Howard: That'll pay for the exploding helicopter. Jim: Smart. Ryan Howard: 'Suddenly, the evil thugs break in to the stadium. The Big Piece hits baseballs at the evil thugs.' Jim: 'Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.' Ryan Howard: Come on man, sell it! Darryl: Yeah, Jim. Jim: [louder] 'Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks!' Ryan Howard: Yeah, that's better. A bunch of hot women go: 'Oh yeah!' Jim: 'Megan, I was too shy to tell you this when I was just a normal professional baseball player, but I love you.' Ryan Howard: 'They kiss. It is super emotional. Like in Toy Story.' Jim: Wow. I tell you what, it's really strong. I can't wait to read the rest of it later and see how it ends. Darryl: It's so strong. Ryan Howard: Keep reading then. Jim: 'Gotta go! Darth Vader's launching a huge attack.' Ryan Howard: Um another thing. I'm gonna need you to get me the rights to Darth Vader. Jim: I don't know how we'd go about doing that. Darryl: We can look into it. Jim: We'll look into it. Ryan Howard: We need Darth. Jim: We gotta get him. Darryl: We'll go after Darth then. Jim: We're gonna go get him. Darryl: That's what we gotta do. Jim: We're gonna get him. Dwight: Maybe you're right. Esther's a ten and the best I've ever done is Angela who's a nine and she rejected me. Clark: A Scranton nine, but yeah, point taken. Hey, let's go out tonight and just score a couple fours huh? I mean there are no games with fours. Dwight: Who needs a new tractor anyway? Maybe we're the kinda guys who end up with a tractor that's already been rode hard and put away muddy. Clark: Screw new tractors. Guys like us, we gotta plant our seed a different way. Dwight: By hand. Esther: Dwight, we need to talk. Dwight: I don't know that there's anything left for us to talk about, Esther. Esther: Look, we're gonna have the tractor for the same amount of work days but my dad is planning on leasing it to the Vanderkirk brothers on the weekends. Dwight: No. Esther: So you're going to be paying more, but he's putting on ten times the miles and he's pocketing a profit behind your back. Dwight: That snake! Esther: You need to tell him you want a deal based on miles or he can just stick that tractor where the sun don't shine. Dwight: That shady grove out by Willard's pond. Esther: Mmhm. Dwight: So, you're fine with me not leasing the tractor? I mean, our courtship can proceed? Esther: Of course. [laughs] You didn't just think I was tractor bait, did you? Dwight: [laughs] No! Clark: Hey Dwight, what's an auger used for? Dwight: Post hole digging. [points and laughs with Esther] Esther: Stupid. Senator: [On speakerphone] You've reached Senator Robert Lipton, please leave a message. [beep] Angela & Oscar: Hi honey! Oscar: Oh you? Angela: No you go. Hi honey! Oscar: Hey, Hey Robert! Angela: It's Angela and Oscar. Oscar: Hey. Angela: Just a few quick things. Oscar: Um the documentary's going to be airing soon, and, and you look great in the promos. Angela: Oh you look so handsome! Very presidential. Oscar: Very much so. Angela: Yeah. Oscar: Absolutely. Angela: Yeah! Oscar: Hey, I get the sense you're gonna be outed as gay. Angela: Yes and I cheated on you with Dwight, it looks like they got it on film. I didn't tell you about it. Oscar: I think that's it! Angela: I think we're good. Oscar: Done! Angela: Bye! Oscar: Ok! Angela: Love you! [Oscar hangs up] God. Andy: [on video] Hey! TexasPoonTappa and JasonJasonJason and all the rest of you haters out there! Check this out. [plays banjo, screen types out 'you suck my nutz' from TexasPoonTappa, camera zooms out to reveal Nellie] Nellie: Good night Andy. Andy: Huh? Yeah, see ya. [sees comment] Oh! What?! [starts crying] Promo Announcer: [Speaks Danish] Pam: I hope you got sound on everything. I'd love a DVD of that. [at computer opens translator. Types in 'Elskere' which comes back as 'lovers' Pam smiles]

Stanley: [humming] What the hell? No. This is NOT happening. Erin: Didn't you get the memo? It's Stairmageddon! [claps and opens the door to the stairwell] Come on Stanley! [claps] Erin: Dwight is having maintenance done on the elevator today, and he was really on top of it. Weeks ago, he started the Stairmageddon Awareness campaign. The idea was to get us prepared, both mentally and physically, for a day that hopefully comes once in a 100 years. It's a' 'Mageddon!' Erin: Come on! Come on, Stanley! Stay in it! Stanley: [growls] I put 17 damn years into this company, and now they're making me climb Stair Mountain! Erin: Come on! [claps] Oscar: Our office has an unusually large number of' unusually large people. Stanley: This is an abomination. Erin: Come on. You got this. Here. Oscar: So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time. Andy: Red alert! Red alert! The reviews are in! I repeat, the reviews are in. Oscar: What? Andy: I just got a text from my brother. Scranton Times Tribune.com. There's a review of the documentary! Phyllis: [gasps] What does it say? Andy: I don't know, Phyllis! I just got the text and started screaming, 'Red Alert.' Dwight: Well, the alert was already set to 'Red' because of Stairmageddon. You think I should set it to 'Double Red'? Andy: I think we should. Stanley: [drinks a 5-Hour Energy shot and groans] Oscar: 'The Office: An American Workplace airing on PBS next month is a documentary following the employees of Scranton's own Dunder Mifflin Paper Company!' Everyone: Whoo! [applause] Nellie: 'In this series, which will air starting in May, we get an in-depth look at many interesting local people. There's Kevin Malone, the falstaffian accountant. Dwight Schrute, the head salesman forever chasing a manager position he will never get.' Dwight: What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a news'thing. Nellie: 'Andy Bernard, the rudderless trust fund child-slash-middle manager, whose incompetence is emblematic of a declining American economy.' Phyllis: Ouch. Sorry, Andy, that's-. Andy: It's okay. [chuckles] The hell does he know? Nellie: 'A possible explanation for his lack of career focus is his surprising musical talent.' Andy: I want you to print that out for me. Nellie: I will. Andy: Now that this documentary is coming out, my days at Dunder Mifflin are probably limited. And you know what? Good. Because this is not what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be my generation's Lisa Loeb. Erin: 'Though it mostly focuses on the daily realities of office life, a lurid subplot reveals the hypocrisy of a local public figure embroiled in a gay affair while preaching family values.' Nellie: Oh! Which public figure? Erin: I bet it's Katie Couric. I've been saying this for years. Phyllis: No, I think they mean more like a politician. Stanley: [walks into the office grunting and wheezing] You own the building. Why can't you fix the elevator in the middle of the night? Who do I look like? Jackie Joyner-Kersee? Dwight: Well, I did say it would be an inconvenience. You should have called me from downstairs. We could've met in the lobby. It's time to go out on a sale! Here we go. Stanley: Son, you've lost your mind. I'm not going anywhere until you fix my elevator. Dwight: The buyer is your sister's friend. This is the printing paper for the entire school district of Lackawanna. You are coming, and that's an order. Stanley: You are not my damn boss and you never will be! Guess what? Never gonna happen! Pete! Iced tea. Three sugars, five creams. Pete: Your morning 3-by-5. Coming right up. Pam: Well, we won't be late. I love you, mom. Thanks. Nellie: Oh, your mom's watching the kids tonight. So what are you two up to? [chuckles] Oh, um, Embassy Suites. 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door. Mommy and Daddy are on the floor. Pam: [laughs] I wish. Nellie: [chuckles] What, then? Pam: Oh, nothing that exciting. Nellie: Marriage counseling? Pam: Hmm. Nellie: Did you know that is the only kind of counseling I have never had? Pam: You know, Jim's kind of nervous about it, but I think it could really help. Nellie: Mmm. Pam: I mean, we've having issues. It can't hurt to talk about them, right? Jim: Hey, Toby. Um, I wanted to ask you a question. Toby: Oh, sure. Jim: It's a little, uh, personal. Toby: Let's do it. Let's get personal. Jim: I wanted to talk to you about your divorce. Toby: Whoa. Jim: Sorry. I'no, no, no, what I meant'what I meant actually was' Toby: Oh, yeah, no, it's okay. I can handle it. Um, so' Jim: You guys obviously went through some tough times leading up to it. Toby: [chuckles, snorts] Jim: Okay. I was wondering if you ever did any couple's counseling. Toby: Oh, sure, lots of times. Yeah. Wait, you and Pam aren't in couple's counseling, are you? Oh, God. Jim: No, no, no, no, no. Uh, we're just starting couple's counseling. Uh, which doesn't sound any better. Toby: Oh, you guys. Kelly called it. 2013. So s'hey! Hey! Hey, no! No! Get outta here. Clark, get outta here. Clark: My mistake. Toby: Yes, it is your mistake. He's lingering. So annoying. I'm gonna kill him. How can I help? I'm here. Jim: That's all right. Andy: Hello, William Morris Agency. I need to speak with your best agent who represents your biggest stars. Yes, I'll hold. I'm sorry. I misunderstood. Goodbye. [hangs up phone] Angela: Thank you, Stan. Oh, honey. [Stan��closes limo door]��Look, I just want our life to get back to normal. Ribbon cuttings, charity balls. Robert: Don't worry. I've scheduled a press conference for later today. We just need to face the camera together. A beloved public servant and his devoted wife. And move on. Angela: All right, if I have to be the good wife, I'll be the best damn wife there is. Correction. Best darn wife. Sorry, I'm a better wife than that. [sighs] Dwight: Andy'[knocks] I need to talk to you. Andy: Yeah, come on in. I'm just on hold with another talent agency. It's insane. This promo with me playing banjo has 250 views already. And every time I click, there's more. 251. 252. I can't even keep up! Dwight: Stanley is refusing to go out on a sales call. Andy: [grunts intensely] I hate people! Why do they never do what you need them to do? Stanley has to go. That's final. Dwight: So what I'm hearing you say is, 'Make Stanley go out on the sales call by whatever means possible'? Andy: Yes! I'm sorry I'm being curt, it's just I'm about to land a top talent agent. Dwight: Mm-hmm. Good luck. Andy: [on the phone] Directory? Movie Star department. Back. Directory. Dwight: For five years I've held my instincts in check because I wanted to be made manager. Maybe it's time for me to just let that thought go. It's kind of painful, but it's also freeing in a way. Now it's all about my instincts. Clark: Hey, Dwight. Dwight: Stanley, one way or another, you are gonna come with me to make this sale. Stanley: Pass. Clark: Hey, c-c-can you just let me out of here before whatever comes next? Dwight: Don't worry, it's just a bull tranquilizer. Nothing to be alarmed about. It's just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a coworker. Stanley: Dwight, you do not learn, do you? For a threat to be credible, you ha' Dwight: [fires tranquilizer gun at Stanley] Clark: Holy [bleep]. Stanley: No, you didn't. Sick of you and your'ooh' Dwight: [fires tranquilizer gun twice] Stanley: [falls to the floor with a loud thud] Dwight: It's all right. Andy approved it. Meredith: Man, he's really in twinkle town now. Clark: Is he gonna be okay? I mean, weren't those darts intended for an animal, like, two to three times larger than him? Dwight: Okay, this dosage was meant for a very small bull, and Stanley's got way more body fat than they do. Clark: You gave him three shots. Dwight: Shh. Got about 45 minutes to get him to the client before he comes to. [claps] Grab his feet. [grunts] Let's go! Clark: All right. Dwight: Move it! One, two, three. [grunts] Dwight: He's like a manatee. Ready? Let's go again. Come on. We can do this. One, two, three! [Stanley's head hits the door frame] Oh, God.�� No wonder my elevator cables are under such strain. Clark: We gotta get a wheelbarrow or something. Dwight: Yes. Dwight: [grunts] Okay, we're good. We're good. Let's go. Push! Clark: I am! Clark: Any good weekend plans? Dwight: I might see a movie. Clark: Nice. Dwight: What about you? Clark: Uh, I don't know yet. Dwight: [grunts] Let's take him' Clark: I was thinking about' Dwight: Let's go right to the top of the stairs, okay? Clark: And then what? Dwight: Okay, listen. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I've never actually done this before. Clark: Well, if I may, you're a natural. Dwight: Thank you. I mean, I've rehearsed it in my head like 1,000 times, but, uh' Clark: That's a little weird. Dwight: I know. Evel Knievel. Dwight: [wraps tape around Stanley's body] Clark: [connect helmet straps around Stanley's head] That's about as good as that's gonna be. Dwight: Okay, now here's the plan. I'm gonna launch him. I need you to go to the bottom and catch him. Clark: Catch? Dwight: Yeah. Clark: I can't catch him. He's like, 250 pounds. Dwight: You use your hands and just blunt his descent, okay? He's gonna be moving slowly. It's only' Clark: Blunt? Dwight: It's 15 feet down, it's at a 45-degree angle. Get set in your haunches, it's like your catching a medicine' Clark: Dude, this size of my haunches' [Stanley's body slips down the stairs and his head thumps into a wall] Dwight: Okay. Good call. He would have put a hole in your chest same as he put a hole in that wall. Clark: We should probably call a doctor or something, dude. Dwight: [slides down the stairs and lands next to Stanley] You okay? Jim: So how does it work? It's like, you know, the action of talking to a third party breaks up the log jam, or' Toby: You're really there to talk to each other. I would say that the therapist is more of a facilitator. Jim: Mm-hmm. Toby: He might start by asking each of you, 'Why do you think you're here?' Pam: He took this job in Philly without telling me. He bought our house without telling me. At a certain point, he��shouldn't��be rewarded for that. Jim: If I didn't do certain things without telling Pam, she'd be married to Roy. [chuckles] Pam: I feel like he's always making these decisions for the family, and then I'm left playing catch-up. Jim: If she can just hang on for a little while longer, I'this will be so huge for our family. Toby: Well, what's a little while? Jim: What do you mean? Toby: I mean, what's the end date? It must be really hard for her to sign on to be unhappy if she doesn't know when it's gonna end. Jim: That's kind of an impossible question. Erin: Oh, guys, it's starting! Hurry! Kevin: Ooh, there's Angela! I work with her! Andy: Huh, yeah. [chuckles] I mean, I'm happy Angela's the first one getting famous, but it's a little weird, no? I mean, she can't sing or act, so it's actually kind of insane, if you think about it. Phyllis: Her hair looks beautiful. Andy: Yeah, we get it, Phyllis, she looks like a freakin' movie star! [kicks trash can] Erin: Andy! Robert: [on the computer screen] I would just to start by saying that there have been some rumors about my personal life that I would like to settle once and for all. As my long-suffering wife can attest' I am gay. Crowd: [surprised chatter] Reporter #1: Senator, were always gay, or did your wife turn you gay? Reporter #2: Question for the Senator's beard. Robert: [on the computer screen] I'll say it again for mis amigos latinos. Yo soy homosexual. Pete: Poor Angela. Phyllis: Yeah. Poor Angela. Robert: I once believed that a gay person could be somewhat straight. It wasn't until my marriage to Angela that I realized how'charmless I find the female body. Meredith: Oof. Always hurts to hear that one. Robert: There's someone else I need to thank. His name is Oscar Martinez. Andy: Come on! Robert: Oscar is the one who opened my eyes to who I really am. For the first time' Erin: Oscar is with the Senator too? Kevin: Yes! And I knew it the whole time! I kept the secret. I kept the secret so good. You didn't know, you didn't know, and you didn't freaking know. But I knew! [claps] Oscar: He knew! Kevin: Yes, we did it! Oscar: You did it, Kevin. Kevin: Yes! Ohh! I did it. Ohh, I did it. Robert: -with this new self-awareness, I was finally able to find love at long last. With my amazing' Chief of Staff Wesley Silver. Oscar: What?! Creed: Wesley Silver's gay? Crowd: [surprised chatter] Angela: [gasps] Kevin: Ohh. Creed: They make a nice couple. Angela: [gags] Dwight: Almost there. Almost there. [opens car door] Okay. We're running late. Let's get him inside. Clark: We can't just leave him bubble wrapped like this. Dwight: Are you kidding me? The bubble wrap is the only thing that's stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. These meetings are all about presentation. Clark: That's actually really smart. Dwight: Thank you. Clark: God, if only there was any other use or situation for that kind of knowledge. Dwight: Let's get him inside. Andy: Carla Fern is not just an actor's agent. She does writers, directors, travel, and real estate. Andy: Actor? Man: Oh, no. [chuckles] Well, I have an act. Dog, cat, mouse. Andy: Yeah, wow, cool. Is it hard to train them to do that? Man: Eh, you go through a lot of mice. Man: If started by accident as these things tend to do. You know, I was setting down my cat, and I accidently put her on top of my dog, and I was, like, so mad at myself at first. And then I was, like, wait. Wait a second. Andy: Does anything go on top of the mouse? Man: Yeah. Little hat. Andy: Aw, that's cute. Man: Yeah. Andy: What's the mouse's name? Man: Eh, you know, it really doesn't make sense to name the mice. They're kinda like cannon fodder, you know? You're not one of those PETA guys , are you? [cat jumps off dog] Oh, great. Clark: Hey, wait, wait, how'how are we doing this? Dwight: Well, I'll grab the forelegs, and you push his hindquarters. Clark: Just say 'arms' and 'legs,' okay? That just'that's the vernacular that I'm comfortable with. Dwight: Fine, let's go. [grunts] Clark: [sighs] Dwight: Hoist his shank on three. Clark: Wha'What's a shank? Dwight: It's by the tenderloin. Dwight: Roll him, roll him, roll him. Good. Good. Okay, careful, he's slouching. Okay, can you'sl-slouch him into the seat. [sighs] Here. Here. Go around and get his seatbelt. [grunts] Clark: All right. Dwight: Got it? Clark: Yeah'yup yup. Dwight: [grunts and closes car door] Get in the back. Clark: What? Dwight: Get in the back. Clark: Aw, come on. Dwight: Get in. Clark: Damn it. Dwight: Okay, Stanley? Do you understand what we're about to do? Stanley: Helllloooo! Clark: Okay. We, hey'hey, listen, listen. We are going to go discuss paper contracts for city of Lackawanna public schools, okay? Stanley: Pigeons. Dwight: Oh, God, this is bad. Looks like we've got no choice. You, my friend, are going to have to be Stanley Hudson. Clark: Isn't the client, like, best friends with his sister? Dwight: New plan, okay? We get him a cup of coffee and we go back to the old plan. Let's go! Gimme a hand. Here we go. Come on, Stanley! Here we go. Upsie-doozie. There we go. Okay, all right. Come on, big guy. You can walk, right? Yeah. What a pretty smile. Let's go. Pam: I'm sure Athlead will be a huge success. But I don't want him to do it anymore, and I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I am not moving our family to Philly. Jim: Well, if Pam says she won't go, then'[chuckles] we're gonna need a lot more than counseling. Hmph. Nellie: That was exhausting. Toby: Blah blah blah blah. Jim. Nellie: Well, they deserve each other, then. Toby: They do. That they do. Nellie: That is for sure. Toby: [whispers] That they do. Dwight: And for'oh, whoopsie daisy. [chuckles] Mrs. Davis: Stanley, what is going on here? Dwight: He's fine. He gets carsick really easily. Clark: Driving. Dwight: It's a long drive. He was in the backseat. But right now we're talking to Mrs. Davis about the full range of the products that we offer and our competitive rates, right, Stanley? Stanley: Ooh-hoo, look at that baby' Dwight: Stanley. Stanley: Ohhh' Mrs. Davis: That's Benji in the middle. Stanley: That's Benji. Oh, he's precious. That's a healthy-looking baby. Mrs. Davis: Very special little boy. Dwight: Look at him. I've never seen such a beautiful child. Mrs. Davis: Funny sense of humor. If you push on his nose, he'll go, 'eee.' Dwight: Like this? Watch. Stanley: Eee. Everyone: [laughs] Mrs. Davis: Like that. Stanley: A beautiful family. Dwight: [laughs] Right? Come on! Dwight: Yeah, maybe I'll never be manager, but I just managed to get our most stubborn salesman to close a sale with one of our biggest clients, and I must say, it's the most pleasant I've ever seen Stanley. I think we should consider injecting him with bull tranquilizer on a daily basis. Carla: So, what can you do? Andy: [Australian accent] Well, what can't I do? Right, I can sing, I can dance, I can play the banjo, innit? And if you hadn't noticed, I've got a pretty good British accent. Carla: Can you drive a car? Andy: At the risk of sounding arrogant, I did drive myself here. Carla: Why do you have, uh, a high school musical here on your resume? What are you, like, 40? 45? Andy: My exact age is 28 to 34, so basically just send me out on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal's going out on. Carla: Gyllenhaal, got it. Can you juggle and crap? Andy: : Yes. And yes. [chuckles] Carla: Would you dress up as, say, a birthday clown and go to a kid's party, let 'em throw pies at ya? Andy: Whereas that is not why I have entered show business, I do understand that you have to build credibility. [sniffs] I'm all for it. Carla: Well, Mr. Bernard, I'm gonna be honest with you. Andy: Well, at least I tried. Thank you very much. Carla: Uh, no. We're'we're gonna take you on as a client. Andy: You are? Yes! Yes. Are you being for real right now? Oh, man. Ah, yes! I need this so bad. I really think this is what could fix me. Carla: We are extremely excited to be working with you too, sir. Pay Todd on your way out. Andy: Most talent agents take 10% of whatever jobs they get you, but with Carla you pay a flat rate of $5,000 up front. And that includes headshots. Todd: Uh, it doesn't include headshots. Andy: It doesn't include headshots. Todd: No. Andy: Well, of course not, because that would be insane if it did. Still getting a bargain, though. Stanley: So I just smiled and complimented her grandkids, and we closed it? Dwight: You earned yourself a nice, fat commission and you didn't even know it. I'll go tell Andy the good news. Oh. [chuckles] Silly me. Gotta take the stairs. Stanley: Oh, no, I'm not doing that again. You got me down, you gotta get me back up. Dwight: Well'no, no'n' Stanley: [stabs his own leg with a tranquilizer dart and falls to the ground] Dwight: [stomps on the ground] We need a winch and a hoist.

Erin: Oh. Hey, champions. Toby: Good morning. Clark: Quater finals in an hour. Hope you got some sleep cause I am going to be haunting your nightmares tonight. Erin: I did. I got some really good sleep. Clark: Did you? [pushes pencil cup at Erin] Erin: [grabs pencils out of cup quickly as cup falls] Bzzz. Dwight: Yesterday was the first round of a branch wide paper airplane contest. It was being sponsored by Weyer-Hammer Paper in an effort to get us to sell more of their new product Airstream Deluxe A4, the Cadillac of paper. It's not so easy on the environment, if you know what I mean. [whispers] Practically made of plastic. Nellie: We started with sixteen brave aviators. Some use skill [cut to Kevin flying paper airplane], others relied on showmanship [cut to Dwight throwing airplane at Nate with an apple on his head] others seem not to comprehend what a paper airplane is. [cut to Creed throwing a melon] And of course, there was the odd moment of heartbreak and disaster. Toby: Hey I left my glasses down here somewhere. Crossing through, beep beep. [Pam's plane hit Toby in the eye] Toby: Ow! Ow! Pam: I didn't see you! You should have yelled 'Crossing!' Toby: [crying] I'm sorry! Pam: Ok, so is that my spot? Nellie: We are now down to an elite eight. Well, seven and Toby. Andy: [Reading from script] Be careful of that beaker, it contains dangerous acid! Darryl: It does not say dangerous. And there's no exclamation point. Andy: Well I'm just trying to bring some life to it. Andy: Last week I got an agent and uh, this week I got a movie. HRPDC chemical handling protocols. It's gonna be seen by tons of workers in the industrial chemical community. One of whom could have a cousin whose brother's Brad Pitt. And boom, next thing you know, I'm in Moneyballs Two. Toby: Andy? Andy: Go away, we're running lines. Toby: You wanted to see the gooey eye. Andy: Oh yeah. Alright, get over here. I am so freaked out by things going into eyes. I just- wow. [moves to lift Toby's eye patch] Uggggh! I can't even, I'm so freaked out by that, just go. Go go go go go. Toby: Alright, it's getting gooier so we'll just do it later. Andy: Yeah, Ok. [Closes door] Alright. Where were we? Darryl: Something full of acid. Andy: And remember: Do not attempt to extinguish a chemical fire with water. You will only exacerbate the flame. The dangerous flame. Darryl: [claps] That was great man. Alright, I'm out of here. Andy: W-w-w-wait. Stop stop stop. Don't go anywhere. I just need to find more colors. Let's do it six more times. Jim: Hey. I just wanted to say that you woke up early with the kids and let me sleep and I really appreciate that. Pam: Thank you. I appreciate that you appreciate that. Pam: So, we had couple's therapy. Jim: No shame in that. Get it all out in the open. Pam: And we have homework. Jim: Yes, we are supposed to look for every chance to acknowledge and appreciate each other's sacrifices. Because I need to appreciate what Pam's been doing to run the house while I'm in Philly. Pam: And we're also supposed to speak our truths. Jim: Mmhm. Pam: Because if I had spoken my truth sooner about not wanting to move to Philly, then maybe we wouldn't have had this opportunity for couple's therapy. Jim: Oh, we're supposed to call everything we don't want to do 'opportunities.' Andy: Heads up everyone. If you really need something from me today, let's get it done tomorrow. Carla Fern got me a gig. Pam: Hey! Andy: Yeah. Stanley: Who's Carla Fern? Andy: Who is Carla Fern? Well, wow. Uh, she's my agent and my drill sargent. And one of my best friends. Oh, and Oscar, I already figured it out. If I have to get emotional in the film, I'm just going to think about you getting dumped by the Senator. Oscar: Why wouldn't you use your own life? Erin just dumped you. Andy: Little raw. Not cool Oscar. Oscar: But you just! Andy: Not cool. Nellie: Hey. Day two. Drama in the warehouse skies. This is Robert from Weyer-Hammer Paper, who will be joining us to judge the final rounds. Robert: Who's pumped for the quarter finals, huh? Dwight: I'm pumped! Erin: Clark's a dead man. Robert: Alright. Sounds like somebody wants to walk away with this. [holds up large check for $2,000] Angela: Oh my god! Group: Whoa. Angela: Nellie you didn't tell us we could win money. Nellie: Oh yes I did, I told you all. It was..um, cause that's an awful lot of money for me to forget. Stanley: Not one of us remembers you saying anything about two thousand dollars. Nellie: I forgot. I completely forgot. But at least now that large piece of cardboard that man was carrying around makes sense. Erin: Nellie, this is a competition. Please take it seriously. Nellie: Oh please. [Dwight watches Angela folding paper airplane] Angela: Me? Oh, I'm fine. I mean, sure, times are leaner now that I'm separated from the Senator. But my new studio apartment is just fine [camera shows small cluttered space with excessive cats and Phillip crying] for me.. and Phillip... and Tinky... and Crinklepuss, and Bandit 2, and Pawlick Baggins, and Lady Aragorn and their 10 kittens. Phillip: [cries] Angela: Come here, come here. Let's go. Angela: I had a chance with Dwight, but I didn't take it. And if I went back now, when I'm broke and he just inherited a farm, I'd be one of those gold-digging tramps you read about that try to bag a farmer. Dwight: I offered myself to Angela and she turned me down. If she changes her mind, the next move is hers. I'm with Esther now. She's younger than Angela, sturdier, more comfortable with the scent of a manured field. Let's be honest. When it came to manured fields, Angela was at best indifferent. Clark: Oh, wide wings, interesting. Erin: Hey. Why don't you back off?[looks at Pete]...I mean best of luck to you in the competition. Erin: Growing up in an orphanage, you have to fight other kids. For everything. Snacks, pillows, parents. I'm kinda worried about Pete seeing that side of me. I once ripped greedy Susan's pigtail right off her head. Just for a handful of Crispix. Carla Fern: Are you in that paper documentary too? Darryl: Yep. Carla Fern: Do you need an agent? Andy: No. He's- I mean, you've never acted in anything before. He's just my entourage. Darryl: I was in The Whiz in high school. Andy: That's the cleaky clacker! He clicks that and then the guy says 'action.' Carla Fern: Hey, I made them get you a chair. All my clients sit. Woman: Can I take your picture? Andy: I guess it's starting. Um, yeah. Of course. Yeah sure. Tell you what. I'll put my arm around you and then I can take it- Woman: We just need a picture of the top of your head in case we burn some of your hair off. Andy: Got it. [lowers head to show hair, but keeps looking up just as she tries to take the picture] Woman: No, if you could just keep it down until.. Andy: Sorry. Nellie: OK, next up we have two creatures great and small. Kevin versus Angela. Kevin: Yes! Dwight: Hey, that is a really nice plane. You make that yourself? Kevin: Uh huh. Dwight: Well, what am I thinking? Of course you made that yourself. Cause it's in the rules that you have to fold your own plane. Kevin: Of course. Nellie: Kevin, did you make that yourself? Kevin: Yes. In a way. From one that I bought on Craigslist. Nellie: Oh man. Dwight: I call for a refold! Kevin: No. Angela: Really? [to Dwight] Thank you. Kevin: This is flatter. Dwight: It's a piece of paper. You fold it into an airplane. Nellie: Ok, that's enough. This is the end of the ring now. You have to pick one. Kevin: I can't. I love them all too much. And, none of them fly. So that makes it harder. Nellie: You have to choose one now. Kevin: Fine. [throws plane, doesn't fly] Nellie: Angela advances. Erin: Nice. Dwight: [clapping] Whoo! Angela: Was Dwight rooting for me? Hmm. I hadn't noticed. Kevin: I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep making planes until one of them flies. Like Wilbur and Orville Redenbacher. Jim: An Earl Grey tea for the lady. Pam: Oh, thank you. I acknowledge and appreciate that you went out of your way to get me tea. Jim: Thank you. I like being appreciated. But, to speak my truth, it wasn't out of the way because I felt like a tea anyway. So, one trip. Pam: Well, to speak my truth, I switched to coffee in March. There's a new espresso machine. But I still acknowledge and appreciate the gesture. Director: We are rolling and...action! Andy: [Happily] This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols. These protocols could save you from severe injury, even death. Producer: Ok, um, stop. Um, why are you smiling so much? Andy: Just made a character choice to be a scientist who really likes what he does and enjoys his job. Director: Ok, well maybe no smiling on this one. Andy: So how do you want, how should I do it? Director: I don't know, just like you're reporting the news or something. Ok? Andy: [ridiculous news voice] This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols. Director: Ok. Andy: It's Tom Brokaw, it's a newscaster. Director: Who was that? Andy: Tom Brokaw! Dwight: Come on Clark! Angela: Come on Clark. [Clark throws plane, Erin throws plane it goes much farther] Dwight: Whoa! Erin: Yeah! Oh! Eat it piggy! Eat it! Oink oink oink oink! Clark: We've still gotta work together, so we should keep it civil. Erin: [Snorts and grunts] I can't hear what you said. [snorting, grunting] You got your slop? [Squeals] Clark: You know what, this is completely unnecessary. You already won... Pete: Erin! Erin! Just stop. Erin: What? Pete: Relax. Nellie: Next up we have Dwight and Phyllis. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration: You can do it baby! Angela: No you can't baby! [to Dwight, whispers] Good luck. Dwight: Watch and learn. Erin: Wow. Group: Oh! Nellie: Dwight defeats Phyllis, Dwight you are through to the semi-finals. Dwight: Yes! Angela: Whoo! Dwight: Oh, Esther. Esther: Hey. Dwight: What are you- [Esther kisses him] You're here early. Esther: Yeah, I plucked the chickens extra fast cause I knew I was seeing you tonight. There might just be a little feather in your nuggets or a little bit of meat inside of your pillow. Dwight: I like a little feather in my nuggets. [both laugh] Nellie: Alright ladies and gentlemen, we are down to the final four. Dwight, Erin, Angela and god only knows how, but Toby. One of you will walk away with two thousand dollars. Erin: Yeah! Director: Ok here you have just knocked over the beaker, the chemicals splashed in your eye. Andy: Which is insanely painful. Director: Yeah. Andy: And I've already picked a few childhood memories to tap in to, to really express that pain. Director: That's great. So what you're gonna do then is come over here to the eye washing station and then just kinda flush out your eyes. You know, get the chemicals out. Alright? Andy: So I just lean over this thing and then you'll add the water special effect later? Director: What water special effect? Producer: Yeah, yeah just hold your lids open with one hand and let the stream bathe your eyeballs. Andy: I'm not comfortable doing my own stunts. I'll get nude if you want me to, I'll go full Lena Dunham but I- Director: Dude, we don't need you to go nude, OK? So just do the eyewash, Ok? That's all we're asking. Andy: Darryl, what do I do? Darryl: Hold up, I'm looking at my spit with a microscope. Andy: They want me to use real water in the eye wash scene. Darryl: So? Andy: I can't squirt stuff in my eyeball. I've never even used an eye dropper. Production Assistant: So Andy, so you know how to use this. You step on the pedal, water squirts in your eyes. Andy: Carla! Carla! Nellie: It is time for a little T & A. I give you: Toby and Angela. Angela: [throws plane far] Oh my god! Oh my god. Ok it's your turn. [Toby crumples plane and steps aside. Nellie: Well, Angela is the winner. Angela: Yes! Esther: [to Dwight] Is there a reason that we're excited for that little woman? Dwight: Yes. I pity her. She was recently in a situation where she could have had it all, and instead she lost everything. Esther: Oh. Is she a gambler? Dwight: In a way. But not in a stand up and cheer kind of way, like the song. Esther: Hmm. That is sad. Carla Fern: [grabs Andy by the cheeks] Andy! If you don't stick your eyes in that machine, I'm going to call every production in North Eastern Pennsylvania. You won't even make an appearance on a security camera! [Andy starts to cry] Producer: What's the hold up here? Director: The actor's crying. Producer: Oh god. Andy: She yelled at me. I can't wash my eyeball. I can't do that. I can't. Darryl: Andy Bernard can't squirt water in his eye and act like it doesn't freak him out. But you know who can? Older Male Lab Assistant Number One. Andy: Do you believe in me? Darryl: I believe I want to go home. Dwight: [throws plane far] Yeah! Ok! Beat that! [Erin throws plane, loses, Dwight laughs] Whoo! Ok. Erin: Dammit! Dammit, god. [To Pete] Sorry. Yeah I'm fine. I'm fine. I got mad. Cause I don't like losing. I'm just gonna- Sorry I'm mad! I'm mad, I'm really mad. I wanted to win. We were gonna win a lot of money, I was gonna buy you a sweater. It's stupid. Just the whole contest is stupid. That's how it feels. Pete: Yeah. [Erin kicks box] Whoa! Erin: Sorry I'm mad! I don't like losing! I thought I was going to win! Pete: Ok [tries to help her] Hey hey hey, whoa. Erin: Sorry. Sorry. I'm going to go upstairs and just... Pam: Oh, I made us a date to take my mom out to dinner to thank her for all that extra babysitting. Jim: Well, you know how much I appreciate the opportunity to hang out with your mom more. So let me just put this in my calendar. Pam: I acknowledge with gratitude that you are being kind and responsible enough to include it in your calendar. Jim: Thank you. Your mom is a treasure. Pam: Well, I appreciate that some opportunities can be unpleasant- [Jim's phone rings, he answers] Jim: Hey that's work, hold on. Hey Wade, did Cole Hamels call back or what? Great. Good. Pam: Uh, to speak my truth, I'd appreciate if you hung that up cause we were in the middle of a conversation. [Jim hangs up phone] I appreciate the sacrifice. Jim: Ok to speak my truth, that was a little sarcastic. I think that's a little unfair. Pam: Really? I've been putting the kids to bed by myself every night for a months. And you had to miss one phone call. Is that your truth, Jim? That's really your truth? Jim: I guess I will swallow my truth. Clark: Are you guys high? Because if so, to speak my truth, I would appreciate the sacrifice of including me in some hits off your kind buds. Pam: We're not high. Pam: I wish we'd started this exercise six months ago. My heart just feels so... blocked up. Kevin: The Mark 47 is ready for launch. [throws plane but it sticks to his hand] Less paste. Director: Here we go. Rolling and... action! Andy: [doing eyewash] AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!! Director: And cut. We can fix the sound in post. Producer: Yeah. Andy: I can do a better one. Producer: That's fine, we'll move on. Andy: I said I can do a better one. Darryl... Darryl: Action! Andy: [eyewashes again] AHH! AHH! AHH! Carla Fern: Kid can act! Andy: Yeah! Yeah. Nellie: Each contestant will throw two aeroplanes. Dwight: After you. Angela: Thank you. [plane loops up and falls at her feet] Oh god! Nellie: Angela's first throw, terrible. Dwight. Dwight: [fake throws and drops plane] Oh! Oh man! It slipped out of my hand, what a whiff. Ah, how'd that happen? God. [Angela smiles] Esther: We want you to win. Dwight told me about your situation. It's such a pity. Use the money wisely. [Angela looks disgusted] Dwight: Alright. Angela: Don't you dare tank this. [Dwight throws plane far, Angela fake throws and drops her plane] Nellie: And we have a winner. And it's Dwight. And it is everyone because this is over. Creed: Two grand huh? I know a guy who can turn that into eight hundred dollars. And it's me. Angela: [To Esther] Well, I guess you needed the money more than me huh? Use it wisely. Angela: I was disappointed in Dwight today. He showed a weakness that was unbecoming. Even if he did do it for me. I don't need pity and I don't need charity. I have my dignity and that's enough. And as long as I have that, I'll be ok. Jim: I know this was really weird, and it was really hard. But I think we're making progress. So I'm really sorry that I have to go but let's keep at this. Ok? Pam: Ok. [intense moment where Jim leaves and Pam seems conflicted. She notices his umbrella and runs out to follow him] Pam: Jim! [hands him umbrella] Jim: Thanks. Pam: Alright, have a good trip. Jim: Bye. Pam: Bye. [walks away] Jim: Hey! [Runs after her and looks into her eyes] I... [hugs her tightly, Pam doesn't hug back] Pastor: [Flashback to Jim & Pam's wedding] Love suffers long and is kind. It is not proud. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. [Pam hugs Jim back finally] And now these three remain: Faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. [Pam kisses Jim] Pam: I love you. Jim: I love you.

Jim: I'm taking some time off from work'well, my other work'because we needed it. Pam: It's great. Jim: It's great. Pam: The phone has been ringing off the hook. The guys in Philly are kind of going nuts. Jim: But that doesn't matter. This does. It's the only thing that matters. We've had some really nice days together. Pam: Nice morning, too. Jim: Beesly! Oh, my god. Andy: Hey. Which tie makes me look like a guy who likes sofas? My agent's putting me up for a furniture commercial. Jim: Ah, definitely blue. Andy: Totally, right? So, Big Tuna, what's up? Back in the small pond? Jim: For now, yeah. I was spreading myself way too thin' Andy: Thin-sliced tuna. Carpaccio. Go on. Jim: Uh, well, it took me a while, but I finally realized that I can't give 100% to two things at once you know. Andy: Tell me about it, you know? I've been trying to act and manage this branch. Half the time I don't know if I'm wearing my stage makeup or my work makeup. Jim: Huh. Well, you know, you can't have everything so you gotta ask yourself what makes you the happiest. You just go all in for what's most important. That's my new thing. Oscar: [noticing Angela looking very unkempt] Is everything ok? Angela: No. Everything is not okay. The county took my cats. Kevin: Wait, all of them? Angela: Two sacks' worth. Apparently my apartment complex has rules about how many pets are too many for a studio. And while I was out picking Phillip up from daycare, they came. They came into my house. Oscar: That's'that's awful, Angela. I'm so sorry. Angela: It's the [bleep] that lives downstairs. She's this uptight, judgmental shrew. You know the type. Kevin: I've never met anyone like that. Angela: And they're gone. And I have no one left. Without my cats, I am utterly and completely alone. Oscar: Angela, you still have your son. Angela: I guess. Dwight: Attention, everyone. May I have your attention? There are four new deadly weapons in this office. [kicking and punching] Basher, Thrasher, Crasher and' Jim: Smasher! Dwight: Smasher? No, where'd you get that? Fireball. This morning after hours of combat with some of the city's best teenagers I earned my black belt in Goju Ryu martial arts. Dwight: I had to find a new dojo after sensei Ira and I parted ways. My new sensei, sensei Billy, thought I had more than enough training to take the test. Turns out, sensei Ira was a bit of a shyster. Sensei Billy says most students don't spend $150,000 over 20 years to get their black belt. Dwight: I would like to invite you all to my black belt ceremony, right here in the office at lunch, lunch not provided. Jim: Fireball! Dwight: Ah! [throws punch] That's how it's done. Jim: That's pretty good. I feel safe. David Wallace: Hey, Erin. Is Andy in? Erin: Oh, is Andy in? Sorry, I thought you said 'is Indian' and was like, 'Is Indian what?' Is Indian food good? Is Indian jewelry pretty? Is Indian hair an expensive kind of wig? Yes, to all three, by the way. Erin: Lately, I've been having a lot of trouble keeping track of Andy's calendar. His student film audition schedule is crazy hectic. Erin: Yes, there's Andy! Andy is in. I'm a good receptionist, I know he's in. Andy: David Walrus, in his native habitat. David Wallace: Hey, Andy. Can we go in your office and talk? Andy: Yeah. David Wallace: This isn't going to be an easy conversation. I told Andy that he was on very thin ice when he snuck away from three months to the Caribbean. Then last week he used company money to buy a top-of-the-line photo printer. In his words, 'The kind that's good for head shots.' And yesterday, he asked me to pay for cheek implants. Claimed it's gonna boost office morale. Now, he's a good guy. But honestly, at some point, the ice gets too thin and you fall through. And that is when you get fired. David Wallace: Andy' Andy: I'm gonna stop you right there. David, this documentary is going to air in two weeks. I feel like it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pursue my dream. David Wallace: Uh-huh, but' Andy: Every minute that I spend here is time not spent making audition videos for reality dating, cooking or singing shows. I got a real shot here. And I'll never be able to forgive myself if I blew it because I was too focused on my stupid paper company job. No offense. David Wallace: So you think you've been too focused on your job? Andy: At my last head shot sitting, I was so distracted wondering what I was missing at work that I came across totally manic. And I was going for zany. David Wallace: So you'you want to quit Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting? Andy: Well, no, actually. I see no reason to limit myself to just acting. I am pursuing fame of any kind. Could be singing, could be dancing. I don't'it just' I owe it to myself and my future fans. David Wallace: Uh, well, I guess I can't stand in the way of a man's dream. And it seems like you have the gift. Andy: Thank you, David. David Wallace: There's probably no way I can talk you into staying at this point, can I? Andy: Nope. I have made up my mind. I'm really sorry. David Wallace: Well, good luck. Andy: Thank you. Not gonna need it. David Wallace: Okay. David Wallace: Well that kind of worked out. Creed: I think just anybody could be a star. My postman, the night janitor here, but Andy? No, definitely not. Charisma black hole. Jim: Oh, Clark. I'm actually here today. Surprise! So I was wondering if I could maybe have my desk back. Clark: Right. Yeah. But, you know, I've actually been working pretty hard here on a daily basis. So, I kind of feel like I've earned this. I mean, you know? Jim: You totally have. You have earned this. But maybe I could be with my wife. Kind of the whole reason that I'm here. Clark: Right. Well, I'm here to sell paper. Pam: Wow. Clark: All right, Jim, look, I just got made junior salesman. Right? And'and Wallace is here today. And I don't him to just think of me as a customer service rep that sits in the annex. I mean, you can get that, right? Right? And what do you need more face time with Wallace for? You trying to get a second second job here? Pam: it's okay. You can sit in the annex. Jim: What? Pam: I'll come visit you. Jim: Okay. The annex it is. I'll be sitting at your desk if that's okay with you. Clark: That's fine with me. But be careful, it is very easy to get lost in Pete's beautiful, dead eyes. Andy: Everyone, a little breaking news for ya. Just had a little chat with David Wallace. And, um, I'm taking a leave of absence from Dunder Mifflin, forever. Oscar: I can't say we didn't see it coming. But it's a sad day when anybody is fired. We're so sorry, Andy. David Wallace: Uh, uh, uh, uh, Andy was not fired. Andy: I wasn't fired. What are you talking about? I'm fired up, yes. Guys, I'm'I'm leaving to pursue my lifelong dream of being famous. Pam: Oh, Andy. Andy: Yeah, so, I'll see you on the red carpet. See, that's how it works. Phyllis: Andy sings beautifully. And he's really good at dancing. He's a good speaker. But there's just something there you don't want to look at. Jim: Hey, how am I doing as your desk mate, by the way? You probably miss Clark. Pete: Yeah, a little bit. Jim: Oh, wow. But, um'Oh, I get that. Pete: Oh, no, no, no. No it's cool. Jim: I get it. Pete: It's cool, man. I'm sure you and I will have our own thing. Jim: Yeah. Definitely. Go Phillies, right. You don't watch baseball. I keep forgetting that. Darryl: I just think you're going into this a little fast. Andy: I'm 38, Darryl, how much slower should I go? Darryl: Show business is cold. Let's say you get a job, which you probably won't. They're not gonna cut you any slack. You're meant for a job with lots and lots of slack. Andy: All right. I get it. Andy: The male is a funny species. We don't just tell each other how we feel, that's chick stuff. So instead of saying, 'Hey, Andy, I love you, man. I don't want you to leave.' You say something like, 'Hey, Andy, you're making the worst mistake of your life. You're not talented.' Well' right back at you, Darryl. Andy: [hugs Darryl] I'm gonna miss you too. Mmm! Stanley: Andy's from the generation that thinks they should all be famous. What happened to the generation that knew you shut up, did your work, and died quietly from a heart attack? Kevin: Could Andy make it as an entertainer? I don't know. You know who's really funny? This bird, in the park, that can't fly right. I'd pay to see him. But I don't have to cause the park is free! Sensei: I will now perform the ceremonial changing of the belts. Dwight: He will now perform the ceremonial changing of the belts! Sensei: It's not a large room, I think they heard me. Dwight: Take my belt, master. I now submit to you every part of myself. [thrusts hips at Ira] Sensei: That's really ok. I'm mostly focused on the belt here. Dwight: Just slip it off my'Slip it off my hips. Sensei: Hold it'Take a step back. Take a step back. [they bow, then Dwight thrusts again] Okay, okay. I can't'I can't do this if you're gonna be thrusting like that, okay? I think we're gonna have to cut this off. Dwight: He will now perform the ceremonial cutting-off-of-the-belt. Angela: Dwight has been practicing karate for years. When we were dating, I would help him with his strength training. He would strap me to his chest in a baby Bjorn made for fat children and do lunges across the farm. It felt like I was flying. Dwight: There it is. [everyone applauds] Sensei: Congratulations. Dwight: We did it, we did it. I love you. Sensei: Okay. Dwight: Thanks. I will now perform my final kata forms. You're gonna watch me right? Sensei: Yes, I will. [Dwight starts doing karate] Dwight: Sensei, you're not watching. Sensei: Yeah, I'm watching. Just do it. Dwight: Watching? Sensei: I'm watching. Dwight: Watch this part, okay? David Wallace: Sensei, do you generally do house calls like this? Sensei: Uh, you can just call me Billy. And no. No, but Dwight insisted. He wanted to receive his black belt in the place he loves most in the world. David Wallace: He said that? He's an odd guy, isn't he? Sensei: Yes. Irritating, also yes. But I gotta hand it to him, he's one of the most tenacious and determined men I've ever met. [Dwight finishes his routines and everyone applauds] Esther: Oh! I'm am so proud of you, Schru-berry blue. Jim: I really felt like I almost lost her, and'and nothing is worth that. David Wallace: Well, I gotta tell you, Jim, a lot of guys in my circle? They wouldn't even change their golf schedule to shore up their marriage let alone their professional goals. Clark: Dude, there is no way that Jim is just back here to hang out with Pam. Dwight: You did not just say that! You don't know Pam. She is really cool. Clark: All I'm saying is, forget about my chair. He wants the manager's chair. And I thought you wanted that job. Dwight: Yeah, I did. But I made too many mistakes. It's out of my reach now. Besides, I think Jim would be a fine manager. I'd be happy to see Jim as manager. David Wallace: So, the reason that I called you in here is because Andy is moving on. Jim: Again. David Wallace: Again! And I'm looking for a new manager. And with his performance this year, I have been considering Dwight. Am I crazy? Jim: Not at all. It should be Dwight. David Wallace: You sure? Jim: You're gonna want to invest in a lot more liability insurance, but, uh' David Wallace: Yeah. Jim: Hey, if there is someone out there who loves paper more than Dwight, I definitely don't want to meet that person. Nellie: Andy, we just wondered if we could have a word. Andy: It's now or never. Nellie: Well, we just had a quick question about this decision of yours. You know, to leave a stable job and pursue a career in the entertainment business. In your late 30s. With no savings to fall back on. And no real connections in that business, which can be competitive. Andy: Yeah, sure. What's your question? Kevin: Our question is'it seems dumb. Andy: Well, it's better than sticking around here and half-assing it, right? Nellie: Of course. But what if you were to stay here, you know, and 'full-ass' it? Um, really give it a go. Be the greatest manager in the history of this branch and in that way achieve the fame and immortality that you seek. Hmm? Andy: Nah. I like my plan better. Kevin: Well, Andy, your plan sucks, okay? Nobody is going to hire you ever. You're too character-y to be a lead and you're not fat enough to be a great character actor. Andy: What? Oscar: No, I don't think that he can make it as an actor. But, he also can't make it as an employee in an office, so why not go nuts with it? Jim: Hey, are you still in charge of office supplies? Pam: Yes. Yeah. Jim: I seem to have sticky not emergency where I grab it on the wrong end, and this happens. Pam: Oh, boy. Um' Jim: If you could help me out, that would be' Pam: I could give you some beginner stickies? Jim: Anything would help. Pam: Here you go. Jim: Oh, also, while you're at it, if you did have a salt packet, three tacks and some aspirin, that would be great. Oh, wow. You have that. Pam: Mm-hmm. Jim: Wow, that's' Pam: It's all yours. Jim: You come so prepared. Aspirin. Dwight: You wanna get rid of a headache, you sit on something sharp. Any sensei will tell you that. Jim: Hey, congratulations on that black belt, man. It's really great. Dwight: Thank you. So I saw you talking to Wallace earlier. Is he going to offer you the manager's job? Jim: No. He was maybe thinking of you for it. Dwight: Yeah, right. I'm afraid that ship has sailed. Jim: I wouldn't be too sure about that. Just saying. Dwight: Hello. Andy: Well, hello. Dwight: Big day for you. Andy: Big day for you. Dwight: Thank you. Andy: Love the belt. Dwight: Oh, yes. Andy: You know, I don't know anything about karate but I have broken a few boards in my day. Diving boards, at my family pool in Redding. I was an obese child. I never talk about that here, but Nard-dog's outta here, so letting it all hang out! Dwight: This is exciting! You're finally gonna get to go out and flap your wings. Andy: Thank you, I appreciate that. 'Cause a lot of people are saying I might not make it. Dwight: Oh, I doubt you'll make it. Very few do who've tried to be a star. But, listen, you've saved up enough money to take a couple of years off to pursue your dream and have some fun, right? Andy: No, I just applied for more overdraft protection. Dwight: Andy, I have nothing to gain from getting you to stay, and everything to gain from you leaving. But please, I have known you for years, I have seen you perform. Dear god, don't quit your day job. Andy: [cockney accent] Nothing is impossible to him who will try. [normal] Alexander the Great, if he were cockney. Dwight: You're bad. Andy: I'm gonna make it. Every person that has been on Conan has a crazy story about how they made it. Every person. Andy: Erin. Honest Erin, cannot tell a lie. We lay together. That's something you can't take back. Erin: So true. Is there a question, or are'what? Andy: Will you tell me bluntly, do you think I am making a terrible mistake quitting my job to become an actor? Erin: Bluntly? Yes. Huge mistake. Andy, honestly, I think you might become homeless. Or maybe even starve. Andy: Thank you. [steps into conference room] David Wallace: You can stay on as a salesman, Andy. Andy: Thank you. [leaves] David Wallace: Dwight, could you come in here for a second, please? Dwight: Say it again. David Wallace: Will you be the new manager? Dwight: Where? David Wallace: Where? Dwight: What branch? David Wallace: Here. Scranton. [Dwight falls to his knees] Come on. Come on, Dwight. Get up. Let's go. It's good news. Dwight: I'm sorry. I've just waited for this moment my entire life. I mean, I was interim manager once, but then I shot that gun. David Wallace: What? Dwight: But this isn't interim manager. No. It's Dwight K. Schrute' [pulls a business card out of his wallet] Manager. David Wallace: Why do you already have this? Dwight: In case Michael or Andy ever got killed in a traffic accident and there was a trade show on the same day. You will not regret this decision, David. David Wallace: I know. Dwight: I will never, ever let you down. David Wallace: I know, Dwight. I know. [reaches out to shake Dwight's hand, Dwight hugs him] Okay. Okay. All righty. You're gonna do great. Pam: Hey. Jim: Wow, hey. Pam: Hi. Jim: What's up? Pam: Um, I have a question. Jim: Okay. Pam: Oh, I had a question. Jim: Really? Pam: I did! Jim: Yeah, totally you did. Pam: Super important. Jim: I need you to stay right here while you think about it. Pam: Okay. Jim: All right? I'm gonna wait. Pam: All right. I did not come back here just to see you. Jim: I'm sure you did not. What was your question? Pam: I don't know, but it might take me a long time to figure it out. Jim: Well, then, I should figure out things to do while I'm waiting. Pam: Exactly. Andy: Hey, everybody, I changed my mind. Not leaving. I'm gonna stay on in sales. Nellie: Oh, thank god. Because sales could be your best role yet. Meredith: Hey, good choice, man. Seriously. Don't want to see you in a porn next year. Andy: Okay. Kevin: Ooh, there's a great play about a salesman. Andy: Death of a salesman. Kevin: I don't think so. Andy: Sure, 'Death of a Salesman' by Arthur Miller, it's a great play about crushed dreams. Kevin: No, this one was written by Spongebob Squarepants. Andy: [sits at Dwight's desk] Got any hot leads? Pete: See, so you just push from under, and turn it around, and boom. No the staple crimps outward. Erin: I had no idea. And here I've been stapling the same way for 20 years like a frickin' sheep. Jim: Look who's back. Pam: I'm back. Oh, hey, look, and now it's like a double date. Pete: Wow. Cause, uh [gestures to him and Erin and then to Pam and Jim with sound effects] Erin: Actually, maybe we should go on a double date some time. That'd be fun. Pam: Yeah, we should do that for real sometime. Erin: Well, how about Thursday? Pam: Oh, well, Thursday's tough, because of' Jim: Weeknights are actually tough just because' Pam: They are. Jim: That's true, yeah. Erin: Just forget it. Forget I said anything. David Wallace: Attention, everyone, just a quick announcement. Little reconfiguration to the staff. Dwight Schrute' Dwight: David. Can I just do one thing while you're making this announcement and then I'll never, ever do it again? David Wallace: I don't think so. Dwight: It's just one thing. Just let me'let me do this' David Wallace: Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Come on'what I was about to say was Dwight'[phone buzzes] Oh, I'm sorry, I gotta'This'll be a second, sorry. Dwight: Just wait and send it to voicemail. David Wallace: Yeah. Dwight: Come on. Come on. David Wallace: [on phone] Then we'll get him a new set of drums. Dwight: [climbs up on desk] Dwight Schrute is manager! [everyone cheers and applauds] Andy: Brava, brava. Creed: [from atop his desk] Creed Bratton is the new manager! [nobody responds] Pam: What's going on? Kevin: Dwight's the new manager. He freaking did it. Pam: [hugs Dwight] Congratulations, Dwight. Dwight: Pam. Jim: [hugs Dwight] Congratulations, buddy. Dwight: Thank you, Jim. Clark: Congrats, Dwight. Dwight: Get out of Jim's seat. Clark: But I fought for this seat. Dwight: You're an annex kid. You might be bullpen, we'll see. Give it a couple of years. Scram. Pam: It's nice to have you back. Dwight: So' Jim: So. Dwight: I wanted to offer you a new position. Jim: Let's hear it. Dwight: Assistant regional manager. Jim: Nope. Can't accept that job. It's not a real job. Dwight: Jim. Jim: I'll tell you what I could accept is assistant to the regional manager. That is a real job and one I'd be proud to take. Dwight: Shake on it? Done. Way to negotiate, idiot. Jim: Don't get me wrong, I am definitely here for Pam. But this is an awesome added bonus. Dwight: So, all the numbers adding up? Oscar: Hey, I didn't get a chance to say it, but' congratulations, Dwight. Dwight: Thank you. Angela: Yes. Congratulations. Kevin: Yeah, and Dwight, I'd like to be the first to say congratulations. Angela: This is a big day for you. Dwight: Yes, it is. Carry on. Andy: How did I just abandon my dreams so quickly? It's cause I had a fallback. That's the problem. When you have fallbacks, it's just easy to give up. When Cortez landed in Mexico, only way he got his men to defeat the Aztecs was by burning all of his own boats. So they could never return home. Huge dick move but very effective. I need to be that same kind of dick to myself. Andy: Everyone! Changed my mind again. Phyllis: What's it now, dream or no dream? Andy: Uh, dream. Goin' with my dream. Gotta go all in, isn't that right, Jim? Jim: Oh, don't look at me cause I think you're making a terrible choice. Andy: All in! Whoo! Andy: Toby! Hey, I changed my mind again. I am gonna leave Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting after all. Toby: Okay, then, Andy. Andy: Yeah, but here's the thing. I can't have good old Dunder Mifflin to fall back on or else I'll never succeed. Gotta burn those boats! So I need you to go into my file and put down that I was fired for theft and/or groping wieners. Toby: Andy, you know I can't do that. It'd be lying. Andy: Seriously? Toby: Yeah, I'm' Andy: Come on, just do it. Toby: I can't. Andy: All right, fine, just know that you made me do this. [starts touching Toby's thighs] Toby: [fending Andy off] Oh, come on. Andy, no. Andy: God, Toby, don't'stop blocking my hand. Toby: No, no. Andy: This is your'you brought this on. Toby: No, no. Andy. Andy: Okay, all right. Groped you good. Off to Hollywood! Angela: [answering phone] This is Angela. Oh. Hello, Miss Polodnikovski. Uh, how can I help you? Did my rent check not clear? Because I just transferred another $25 to that account. So if there's a problem it's clearly on your end. And'oh. Oh. Oh, okay. Good. Then... um' what is this about? No, no. Hey, hey! No, you are out of line Miss Polodnikovski. No, no you are. No you are! Evicted? Fine! I didn't want to live in that cesspool anyway! Listen, I get my security deposit back. Yes, I do. This is not fair! That is not fair! Well, you know what? You have so many hairs on your chin that Animal Control should've taken you away. That is very unladylike! You are disgusting! [hangs up phone] Kevin: What do you think that was about? Andy: David. I lost the Scranton White Pages account. Do you have any idea how much paper that is? And I'd just like to point out, I was mad at Dwight. I did it out of spite. David Wallace: We put the past behind us, though, Andy. Andy: What if I told you that I hate you and I hate this company? David Wallace: Enough, Andy. Enough! Andy: Just stop forgiving me, David, please? This is my last chance to honor what is best inside myself. What if I took a dump on your new car? David Wallace: Oh my god. Andy: Eleanor Roosevelt once said 'the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.' [clip of him flipping off David Wallace] I think she's right. [clip of David Wallace yelling at Andy to get out] I feel calm now. [clip of Andy taking a dump on a car] I feel, like, for the first time in a long time, I'm doing the right thing. Angela: Andy. Andy: Yeah. Angela: What are you doing? Andy: Uh, heavy stuff like books on the bottom. So it don't squash my knickety-knacks on top. Angela: Yeah, okay. That's not what I mean. You don't have to leave because you said you would. Don't let pride ruin your whole life. Okay? It's not worth it. Andy: Wow. Angela. What we had was great, and, honestly I think about it a lot too' Angela: Ugh. Andy: But I just'it's in the past. And I feel like we shouldn't' Angela: No, that's not' Andy: Rehash' Angela: No, none'No, stop. It's just' Andy: Exactly. Angela: Okay. Well, have a good trip. Good luck, Andy. Andy: Thanks, Angela. You too. Angela: Thanks. Andy: A-bridge, a-burnt. No turning back now. Everybody, Lorelai and I would like to say thank you and goodbye the only way we know how. Nellie: Oh, good lord. Stanley: Can't you just leave? Jim: You know, Andy, you could just say a really nice goodbye. Andy: Tuna, I'm a performer. And perform I shall. [sings 'I Will Remember You''everyone is slightly impressed] Dwight: [whispering] You okay? Angela: [crying] It's just a really nice song. Kevin: [everyone applauding] Awesome! Phyllis: Who knows? Maybe Andy will make it. He's not terrible. Stanley: Yeah. And people worse than him make it all the time. Like Lil Romeo. Phyllis: No, he's good. Stanley: He was good. Oscar: Good night, Kevin. Kevin: Night, Oscar. Oscar: Tents? Are you thinking of going camping? I thought you found nature vulgar. Angela: Well, I've changed my mind. Oscar: Wait a minute. You're not thinking of living in a' Angela: Oh, god, could you just mind your own business? Oscar: Okay, I'm just gonna say this. You are not going to live in a tent. Angela: Oh, god. Oscar: Come stay with me. Angela: You don't want me at your place. Oscar: I do. Yes. Not forever. But until you get back on your feet. Which won't be long. It's the least I could do. Angela: Well' Oscar: Separate bathrooms. Angela: Thank you. Oscar: You're welcome. Let's go get Phillip. Then we'll get your stuff' Angela: Okay. Oscar: And get you the hell outta that place. Angela: Are you allowed to have pets? Oscar: Oh, Angela. Dwight: Yesterday I was just your average, ordinary paper salesman with a farm and a bunch of pipe dreams about beet fuel. Today, I leave here a regional manager with a black belt. It really is amazing how your life can change in one day. Darryl: You talk to Wade and Colin? Jim: No, I just saw I missed their call. Why? What's up? Darryl: We got an offer on the table. Jim: What kind of offer? Darryl: A buyout. Jim: What? Darryl: We're in play, baby. Jim: Oh, my god! Darryl: We did it! Hey, and look, the buyers wanna make sure it's not just a Philly play, so get this: they're gonna pay for us to go pitch out west. We talking Spurs, the Jazz, Cowboys. Blake Griffin, baby. Jim: Wow, that is' wow. Darryl: Yeah, we did it. Jim: Yeah, we did. Hey, how long'how long do we think that's gonna take? Darryl: Wade said we could do the whole country in three months. Jim: Oh, man. Yeah, I can't do it. Darryl: Can't do what? Jim: This, man. I can't do this to Pam. Darryl: No, no, Jim. This is different. This is everything. Jim: I know. And I can't do it. Angela: So is your place all bachelor-slobby and gross? Oscar: No, it's neat and tasteful, like most gay men's homes. The stereotype holds up. Angela: I wouldn't know. I never lived with a gay guy. Oscar: Angela, you just were' Angela: [starts sobbing] I love him. Oscar: I know. I understand more than most, but we both have to move on. You'you can't' Angela: No, not the senator. I love Dwight.

Erin: The tea in Nepal is very hot. Kevin: But the coffee in Peru is much hotter. [Erin buzzes him into the office] Dwight: Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they're protecting America's real treasure, paper. Every morning I email the day's security codes. Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It's not the KGB, but it's a start. Erin: The tea in Nepal is very hot. Dwight: But the coffee in Peru is far hotter. Erin: Close. Dwight: This is Tuesday, right? The coffee in Paraguay is far hotter? Erin: Colder. Dwight: The coffee in Paraguay is colder? Erin: No, I meant you're getting colder. The correct response is, 'the coffee in Peru is much hotter.' Dwight: Ah, much, ok. Erin: But, that's three wrong, so I gotta give you the steam. [Dwight begins to protest] Unless you want me to break protocol? Dwight: No, no. Give me the steam. Dwight: It's just harmless steam to panic intruders. I'd like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd. Dwight: [while getting steamed] Break protocol! Break protocol! Break protocol! Creed: [carrying in clothes on hangers] Oh, I'm saving a fortune on dry cleaning. Philip: Mama! Oscar: Angela, someone wants you. Angela: Ok, coming. Hi, baby. Oscar: Angela's divorce from the senator has been very difficult for her. When she got kicked out of her apartment, I invited her to move in with me. Ironic that it's Angela who's living in the closet. Hey-o. Oscar: Saddle shoes. With denim? I will literally call child services. Esther: Go get 'em, honey. Dwight: Oh, don't worry. They'll get got. Dwight: Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check. Owner of a 1600-acre beet farm? Check. Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid? Check' on that later today. This is my grandmother's ring. It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. This is my grandmother's buttock bullet ring. Andy: Hello, good morning. My name is Andrew Bernard. You might know me from a TV documentary that's premiering tonight. I also killed it in local theater and I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick. Check-in guy: Ok, thanks. Go ahead and get in the back of the line. Andy: Yes! Andy: Well, burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin, and time to become the next American Idol. By winning America's Next A Cappella Sensation. On channel TBD. It's a really cool show, it's like a revision of the whole American Idol, Voice, Sing-Off phenomenon. On this show, all three judges are mean! Jim: Sales form for you to sign. Dwight: You know what to do. [waits for Jim to put form in inbox, signs it and returns it to outbox] Ok Dwight: Behind every great regional manager is a great assistant to the regional manager, and I have chosen one of the best. Jim: Aw, thanks, man. Dwight: Once upon a time we were natural enemies, but we've overcome our differences. Much like Germany and Italy in World War' Jim: No. Dwight: Good call. Together we run a no-nonsense office. Jim: Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight went really well. Pam: Oh, bodes well for the post-conference room meeting. Jim: All depends on the conference room meeting itself. [phone chimes] Uh, okay. Pam: Is that them again? Jim: Yeah. Pam: Maybe you should call back? Jim: I will. I will. Jim: The guys at Athlead are still bugging me about this three month roadshow thing. Meeting athletes on their home turf, building relationships. Yeah, it sounds exciting. But I said no, and that's final. I almost lost Pam over this business. I'm not risking that again. Pam: When Jim decided to come back to Scranton full-time, I was relieved, but I also feel a little guilty. I mean, he's giving up this big thing for me. But he seems happy. I mean, he's certainly been goofing around a lot. I love goofy Jim. Dwight: Welcome. Jim: He welcomes you. Dwight: Please take an agenda item. Jim: Your agenda-taking pleases him. Dwight: Have a seat, Phyllis. There we go. As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote. 'Some say the only failure there is is the failure to try.' [buzzer sound] That is wrong. Failure of any kind is failure. Jim, over to you. Jim: Let's not get crazy and ruin our no-nonsense streak, all right? So, for instance, if you're expecting a fax today, please don't yell out, 'Michael J. Fax from Fax to the Future.' Ok? That's nonsense. Pam: Question. Jim: Yes, beautiful girl in the front. Pam: We are expecting a water delivery today at 10am. What if, as they're delivering the water jugs, someone screams out, 'Nice jugs'? Jim: That's obviously nonsense. Nonsense. And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office? Everyone: [overlapping] Zero. No nonsense. You can't have nonsense. Dwight: [as Angela enters with Phillip] What is going on? Angela: Daycare won't take Phillip anymore. Oscar: Why? Angela: Apparently my station in life has descended to a depth even they won't forgive. So, hi. Oscar: Hi, buddy. Dwight: Ok. Um, new agenda item. Phillip will be joining us in the office today. Jim: Gotta write that down. Ok, big day today. Airing of the documentary. Who's excited? Meredith: I'd better come out of this smelling like a rose. I've been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasn't for the cameras, I would've done some truly vulgar crap. Stanley: Over the course of this documentary I've had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble: my wife did it. Dwight: I'm letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary. So you can make it up to me by working an extra half an hour tomorrow, or a minute extra for the rest of the month. Kevin: Ooh, announcement! Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial will be watching tonight at Poor Richard's. But note, all are welcome, not just those whose saw an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial and charged their televisions. Oscar: I can't believe the doc is finally going to air. When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe. Creed: This airs tonight? Oh my god. If my parents see this, I am toast. Andy: This is really huge. This is like the March on Washington but for a singing show. Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here? And sang 'I Dreamed a Dream' from Les Mis? With that baritone? That would be historic. Casey: Whoo-hoo! Casey Dean! Cincinnati, Ohio! [singing] Doctor, doctor, gimme the news, I got a great Casey Dean for you. Andy: No! Casey: America wants it! Andy: No, this is my time! You don't belt on my time! I belt on my time. Casey: [singing] Casey Dean! Andy: [vocalizing over her] Casey Dean! Casey: Man, those are some nice pipes. Andy: Yeah. Casey: What's your name? Andy: Andy. What's yours? Angela: Why didn't you pack the apple snacks? Oscar: Why didn't you pack the apple snacks? Kevin: Guys. Angela: Because whenever I pack the bag, you say I do it wrong. Kevin: Guys. Angela: Why don't you pack it? Kevin: Guys. Angela & Oscar: Kevin, what? Kevin: Do you want to see a video of a weatherman who says 'bold front' instead of 'cold front'? It's insane. Angela: Not now, Kevin. Can't you see we're busy? Phillip needs his apple snacks. Oscar: Seriously, Kevin. I'm just gonna have to go to the store. Angela: Ok, you go to the store. Kevin: Philllip, Phillip, Phillip. It's all about Phillip. I hate Phillip. Dwight: Not now! Private time! Jim: I love Star Wars as much as the next guy' Dwight: Hey, hey! Seriously? [holds up Battlestar Galactica model box] Jim: My god, I'm so sorry. Well this might make up for it: I think I have found an enormous source of overlooked PFN. Dwight: Which is, of course' Jim: Potential future nonsense. Dwight: Yes, good abbreviating, Jim. That saved some time. Now, hurry up, shut the door. Break it down for me. Jim: I'm gonna need you to look at your hierarchy mobile. You've got a regional manager. Dwight: The power source. Jim: Obviously, the assistant to the regional manager. Dwight: A loyal, but bungling apostle. Jim: But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager? Dwight: Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliore. Jim: Exactly. Dwight: I'd have to get some more wire and string, but it's doable. Do you think any of them out there are capable? Jim: Yeah, right. I mean, unless they're willing to pass some tests. Dwight: I like the sound of that. Who do you have in mind? Jim: Well, I know this sounds crazy, but how would King Arthur choose the next knight of his round table? Dwight: That doesn't sound crazy, Jim. That's the sanest thing I've ever heard. Casey: What're you listening to? Andy: Hmm? Um, uh, locking in my starting note. A 440. Casey: Oh, sweet. Andy: A cappella is all about pitch, and I am nothing if not a total pitch bitch. Mark McGrath: What's up, everybody? And welcome to America's Next A Cappella Singing Sensation! Casey: Ah! It's Mark McGrath! Oh my god! You're gorgeous! Mark McGrath: Thank you, thank you so much. And thank you for your patience. And we hope to see you guys within the next five to seven hours. Now, just to give you a couple parameters of the show, each of you will sing a song for thirty seconds, after which our judges will decide if they want you in their a cappella group. Now, each group will start with 90 singers, which will compete in a series of singing and physical challenges. Oh, and look out for that pesky mole! Andy: There's a mole? Mark McGrath: Oops. I'm not supposed to'I'm not supposed to say that. All right, no mole. Forget I said it, all right? Andy: What mole? What are you talking about? I already forgot about it. Mark McGrath: Good man right there. I'll see you guys inside. Good luck, all right? Andy: Yeah! Pour some Sugar Ray on me! Casey: What? On a roll much? Andy: I don't know where it came from. Casey: That was amazing, man! Andy: Yeah. Yeah, it felt good. It felt funny. Casey: Yeah, you made a personal connection with him. Andy: I did, I felt it. Casey: Big time. Pam: What are you so excited about? Jim: Nothing. Pam: What are you up to? Jim: Members of the office, hear ye. Dwight: That means ye, Plop! Pete: Plop? Still? Dwight: We owe Andy that much. Am I right people? Pete: Fine. Jim: Today we will be testing candidates for the position of assistant to the assistant to the regional manager. Erin: Aw, heck ya! Pam: Nice. Dwight: You'll always have the upper hand, when you've got a good a-arm. Trademark pending. Jim: This is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival-like activities. Sure, every participant will be getting a corndog, but that's for fueling only. No savoring. Dwight: Wow, the honor. God, I envy them. Jim: He envies you. Dwight: You don't need to repeat right now, when I'm saying it. Jim: Alright. Jim: By 2:00, Dwight will chose himself to be assistant to his own assistant, me. Darryl: What up? Glenn: What's going on? How was the delivery? Darryl: Delivered all my furniture to Philly. Hey, keep it down, though. Nobody knows I'm here. Darryl: I hate goodbyes, so last week, when I left Dunder Mifflin for good, I pulled the old Irish Exit. Just slipped out without making a big deal. No hard feelings. No feelings at all. Jim: A good assistant knows what their superior is thinking before they even think it. Meredith, what number am I thinking of right now? Meredith: Uh, two. Jim: 985,000,000,000,017.00 Dwight: Not even close, Meredith. Come on! Jim: Okay, Pam. What song is running through my head right now? Pam: Theme song from Saved by the Bell. Jim: Oh, my god! It was the theme song to Boy Meets World. Dwight: Wait, no, no, no, stop. Spouses can read each other's minds. You're trying to give your wife this job. Jim: That's exactly what I was doing. Plop, what animal am I picturing? Pete: A horse. Jim: Ew, the exact opposite, actually. Pete: What's the opposite of a horse? Jim: Come on. Jim & Dwight: Sea horse. Jim: Whoa. How did you know that I was gonna' Jim & Dwight: Say that? Uncanny. Jim: Challenge number two, protocol. Clark? Clark: Yeah. Jim: Do you want a corn dog? Clark: I would love a corn dog. Jim: We'll see. You are an assistant who's just gotten a phone message. I am in a meeting with Dwight, Robert Dunder, and his niece. Uh-oh, look who came to join us. The Turkish ambassador to Armenia, Yuri Slovak, who, by the way, is extremely embarrassed about the size of his nose. Go ahead and read that phone message. Clark: [reading] Mr. Halpert, your wife called to find out how your meeting with Yuri Big Nose went.' Dwight: No, no, no, no! You don't read it aloud like that! God! Besides, the whole thing is a trick question. There's no Turkish ambassador to Armenia. The two countries don't have diplomatic relations. Jim: Uncanny. Soldier: I just hope that if my buddies who are still in Afghanistan see me win, they'll feel like anything is possible. Andy: Great, more screen time for the war vet. All you gotta do is risk your life for this country and everyone goes gaga for you. Casey: Over at the porta-potties, they were interviewing a homeless, single mother with three kids. Andy: What? Casey: Yeah. Andy: Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit? Or is it a show about singing? Casey: I don't know. But I'm getting really worried here. Andy: Me too. Hold my place in line. Casey: Where are you going? Andy: They want feel-good stories? Wait until they get a good feel of me. Darryl: Thanks, man. Hank: Thank you. Darryl: Yep. Take care. Pam: Darryl, hey. Darryl: Hey. Pam: Cool, are you coming back to say hi? Darryl: No, no, I'm not here actually. These donuts are part of my escape from the guys at the warehouse I didn't say goodbye to. Pam: Aha. How's Athlead? Darryl: We livin' like rock stars. I'm about to eat free steaks with my sports heroes in 32 different cities. Pam: Wow. Darryl: Jim really doesn't want to come? Pam: He says he doesn't want to. Darryl: Wow. Man. I hope he doesn't regret it. Pam: Well, he seems really happy being back here at Dunder Mifflin. Darryl: Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin? Pam: That's what he says. Darryl: If you say so. Hey, good seeing you. Remember, I was never here. All right, then. Jim: An assistant brings their boss coffee with speed and dexterity. But an assistant to the assistant has a thousand times more to prove, am I right? Dwight: A thousand times more. Phyllis: I'll try this one. Jim: Phyllis! Grab both these coffees, double-fist it, and head through this obstacle course. Phyllis: [grabbing the coffee] Hot! Jim: Yeah. It's real. It's the only way you'll learn. OK, and go ahead. [Phyllis carefully makes her way through the obstacle course] Oh, god, nice! She's through the green, everybody. Here comes yellow, real doozy. Careful! Dwight: [over Jim] No, no, no! Phyllis, seriously? Jim: Look at that form. Dwight: [running over and taking the coffee cups from Phyllis] Oh, god, this is pathetic! The boss needs his coffee! [races through obstacles, spilling coffee] Augh! Ah! Here you are, sir! Here's your coffee! Ah, my skin, ow, ow! It burns! Ah! Jim: Uncanny. [everyone applauds] Erin: Darryl?! Darryl! Kevin: Whoa. Darryl: Oh, hey. Hey, what's up, y'all? Erin: You left us without saying goodbye. Darryl: Oh, my bad. Goodbye, everybody. Meredith: Hey! No way! Kevin: That's totally uncool. Erin: Are you kidding? You broke our hearts. Get upstairs. Darryl: I don't think I sh- Erin: Get upstairs, mister! Meredith: Yeah! Kevin: Right. Now. Darryl: Guess I'm going upstairs. Jim: You know, Dwight, this whole search for the assistant thing'none of these people are good enough. Dwight: I know. Jim: What I'm about to say makes no logical sense, and yet, it might be the most logical thing I've ever said. Dwight: Jim, this is gonna come as no surprise but I know exactly what you are going to say. The only possible assistant to my assistant- Jim: Is- Dwight: Me. Jim: The new assistant to the assistant to the regional manager is Dwight K. Schrute. Dwight: Yes! [weak applause] Thank you. Jim: I think you might want to kneel for this. And yet, the manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no one. [Dwight awkwardly squats] That's it. You look really, really good. Dwight: Okay, from now on, anyone who needs to speak to me has got to go through me first, all right? Jim: Hey. Pam: Hey. Jim: You all right? What's going on? Pam: Are you happy? Jim: Yes, I'm happy. Pam: No, I know that you're, like, happy and, like, you had fun today. Jim: Yeah. Pam: And that was fun. But what about a year from now? Jim: What? Pam: What about five years from now? Jim: Pam. Pam: Because I'm so glad you're back, baby, but I'm just'I was talking to Darryl, and he was talking about the trip, and I just feel like you're giving up so much. Jim: This was my decision, not yours. Pam: Okay. Jim: You didn't force me. Pam: I kind of forced you to do it. Jim: You did not force me to do this. Pam: Yes, I did. Jim: I don't know how else to tell you. Pam: I'm afraid that you're gonna resent me and I'm afraid that' Jim: Resent you? Pam: This is not enough for you and I'm afraid that I'm not enough for you. Jim: Is that really what you think? Jim: Not enough? I don't know how else to explain it to her, so, you know what? I know it's against the rules but I'm gonna need a favor from you guys. Camera Crew: Okay. You got it, man. Darryl: I didn't realize we were this close. Phyllis: We're all a little hormonal with the doc airing. Meredith: Are you gonna come to Poor Richard's and watch with us tonight? Darryl: Uh' yeah. Depending on traffic. Stanley: He ain't coming. Erin: Oh, god! Darryl: These dudes are definitely in a weird mood. Picked the wrong day to return a truck. Darryl: Well, it's been great. Phyllis: Eleven years. A guy is in your life for 11 years and then he's gone for who knows how long. Darryl: Maybe forever. Anyhow' Oscar: Did we ever have lunch together, just'just the two of us? You know what, I'm gonna make reservations right now at Cugino's. Meredith: Question for Darryl. Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van? Darryl: Oh, oh, I'm sure we did. Meredith: Nah, I call one hour van time with Darryl. Clark: Darryl, you know, I would love to just record some of your stories, just let the tape roll for six or eight or ten hours and just see what we get. Erin: Listen guys, we can do it all. We just have to divide Darryl's next 12 hours into 90-minute segments. I will go watch an eHow video on how to use Excel, and then we'll get this started. Darryl: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Okay, I made the mistake of sneaking out of here and that's on me. But I'm not gonna spend the rest of the day here doing stuff with you cause you're feeling sentimental. Meredith: You have to! [everyone grumbling] Darryl: Hey, hey, hey. I'll do one thing with y'all. Phyllis: Which thing? Darryl: I don't care, choose amongst yourselves. Not the van though. Angela: Kevin, Kevin. Kevin: Oh, you know my name. Well, that is shocking. [continues making noise] Angela: Kevin, could you not do that? Kevin: What? I'm moving the ink down in my pen, for work. Oscar: Here, use my pen. Kevin: Don't tell me what to do! Angela & Oscar: Shhh! Kevin: No, I don't need this! And you obviously don't need me. Angela: Kevin, where are you going? Kevin: Away. Tell Phillip that his stupid little baby wish came true. Oscar: He just won't go down. It's as if he's excited by all this paper. Angela: I know. Earlier today he tried to eat some of the 24-weight letter bond. Dwight: Smart baby. That's the most flavorful bond. Andy: Hey, what's goin' on over here? Some sort of singing competition for the young'uns? Casey: You're back! Andy: No, it's me, Andy! Casey: No, I know. Andy: No, no, no. I'm wearing makeup. Casey: You did a really great job. You even look shorter. Andy: Oh, I took out my lifts. Casey: Oh. Andy: Yeah, unlike Andy Bernard, this character is my real height. Casey: Oh. Esther: All day long, it's moo the cows and cluck the hens. Get the sheep baa-ed. Oink the pigs. Dwight: Oink the pigs, that is very important. [watching Phillip] Esther: Dwight, I'm telling you about all the things that ma said after the horse kicked her in the head. Where are you? Dwight? Dwight: The way that boy looks at the Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do. Hmm. Dwight: [puts his grandmother's ring away] Thank you, Esther. Esther: Bye. Jim: You threw the summoning bag at me, sir? Dwight: I need you to perform a test. Jim: Perform a test. Dwight: On an innocent baby. Jim: Ooh, I like where this is going. Unfortunately I have a lot of work today so I'm gonna have to hand this off to my number two. But, don't worry, he's the best in the biz. Dwight: Damn straight. Jim: Unless you think he can't handle it. Dwight: Hey, he can handle it. Jim: All right. Oscar: [holding Phillip] Listen, listen. Shh, buddy. Stanley's sleeping. You don't want to wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you? Stanley: I heard that. Phillip: Mama. Dwight: Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster? Pam can attest, there's no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps. Pam: He does have a gift. Oscar: Well, he's calling for his mom, but, okay, here, here you go. Careful, he bites. Phillip: Mama. Dwight: Okay. [takes Phillip who immediately stops crying] You ever been in a manager's office before? Dwight: Phillip, you wanna play a little game? It's called 'Schrute or Consequences.' You're gonna choose one of these two things. A check for a million dollars, or this dirty old beet. Yuck, pew! Which will it be? Money or the beet? Phillip: Beet. Dwight: Yeah. Any ordinary child would have taken the money, but you're no ordinary child are you? No. I can tell by your gorgeous, widely-set eyes. Check-in guy: Sorry, folks, the judges are totally swamped. We are all done taking auditions. People in line: Oh come on! Hey! Andy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Check-in guy: But thanks for coming out and be sure to watch America's Next A Cappella Sensa' Andy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't do that. You can't do that, we've all been waiting. Check-in guy: Okay. Andy: I am going in there! Don't' Check-in guy: No, you're not, sir. Andy: Don't'don't' Check-in guy: Please don't. Andy: Don't touch me. Check-in guy: I'm not touching you. Okay? [Andy makes a break for it] Casey: Run, old man! Run! Run! Run for your life! Get off. Don't you dare. Don't get'I could see it. You were gonna get handsy with me. Not interested. I'm Casey Dean! You'll be seeing the last of me. Er, I meant you won't be seeing the last of me! Oscar: Hey. Did you manage to feed him? I don't know what it is. He just keeps spitting out the nipple. Dwight: That is because this baby is of superior intelligence. He can tell when he's being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast. Kevin: He's not that smart. He doesn't know where I hid his duck. Andy: [interrupting contestant singing 'Beautiful' by Christina Aguilera] Hi. You're still here. Oh, thank god. Clay Aiken, Santigold, Aaron Rodgers. You're like, my three favorite people ever. Santigold: What is this? Andy: [shushing contestant] Sweetheart, you're amazing, okay? You're obviously gonna be on the show, so it's someone else's turn now. Yeah, go ahead. All right, [old man voice] my name is Ezra Cornell and I'm just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart. Aaron Rodgers: No, you're a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on. Andy: Busted. Yes, got it. All right. Tried to get your attention with tricks, but you just want to hear me sing, I respect that. Clay Aiken: No, we do not want to hear you sing. Santigold: Gabriella was our last audition. Thank you. Goodbye. Andy: Nope! Can't end like this. Slept in my car last night, quit my job, burned all my bridges. I went to the bathroom on my boss's car. And I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern. Aaron Rodgers: Flag on the play. Andy: That's'that's what'yeah. Okay, all right, well, here's the song. [singing] Far above Cayuga's waters, with her waves so blue, stands our noble alma mater' Santigold: What is this song? Andy: Are you insane? It's the Cornell fight song. Clay Aiken: Listen, all right, thank you very much, we're not interested. Andy: You didn't let me finish. That's not fair. Aaron Rodgers: Look, man, you're not terrible. We've heard a lot of really good singers today and you're just not good enough. Andy: Wow, you guys are really mean. I guess that's the show. Let me try a different song, okay? Aaron Rodgers: Can he do this? Andy: [singing] Hey, hobo man, hey, dapper Dan, you both got your style, but, brother, you're never fully dressed without a smile. [falters at the judges' reactions] Yeah. Your clothes may be beau brummelly' Santigold: Look, you gotta go. [Andy falls to his knees, sobbing] You can't just sit here and cry. Andy: Oh I can so just sit here and cry! Jim: [addressing camera after opening envelope on his desk] Thank you. Oscar: Hey, Kev, how you doing, buddy? Kevin: Can't hear you. I'm giving you the silence treatment. How does it feel being ignored? Oscar: Okay, I guess, it's just that Phillip got you something. Angela: Yeah, a $25 gift card, iTunes. Oscar: I think there's, like, $7 left. Angela: It's just his way of saying, 'Thanks for letting me hang out in Accounting.' Kevin: Phillip got this for me? Oscar: Sure. Kevin: That was a really cool move. Angela: Would you like to hold Phillip? [hands off Phillip] Yeah. That's Kevin. Kevin: Whoa. Oscar: Easy. Kevin: What a chubbers. Whoa. Angela: Okay, watch it. Kevin: I'm losing my balance. Angela: No, Kevin, no. Oscar: Hey, no. Kevin: Whoa! Oscar: No horseplay. Angela: Stop it. Kevin: You wanna play with the cactus? Angela: No, no! Kevin: So, me and Phillip were just talking and we decided we're gonna be best friends. He's a little standoffish at first. But once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you. Erin: We have our decision. Darryl: You chose one thing? Erin: We want to dance with you. Darryl: You want to dance? Erin: One dance, all of us together. Darryl: This is what you want? Erin: Absolutely. Darryl: Better get some decent speakers up here then, cause we're gonna do this right. Erin: Yes! [Stanley, Creed, Meredith and Creed all cheer] Angela: Hey. You wanted to see me? Dwight: Door. Chair. It's about Phillip. Angela: I am sorry he's here today but I had' Dwight: I believe that boy may be a Schrute. And if he is, that child needs to be accorded what is his. An enormous farm, an inheritance, and the right to be raised under rigorous Schrute traditions. You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal. Angela: How thoughtful. Dwight: Then the two of you would move to my 1,600-acre estate, which, let's face it, is a big step up from living in a gay man's closet. Angela: If he is your son, that's a great plan. But he's not. He's not your son. Dwight: Very well. Angela: Can I go back to my desk now? Dwight: Yes. Pam: What is this? Jim: Well I've been trying to tell you how I feel, and you wouldn't believe me, so [shows her DVD] I needed a little help. Dwight: Jim! I need my assistant to the regional manager. Code red. Jim: OK, I don't have my pocket code chart on me, right now, so. Dwight: [throws 'now' beanbag at Jim] Now. Jim: I have an assistant now, who can help you with whatever you need. He is lazy, so crack the whip. Dwight: Jim. I'm not kidding. I need you. Pam: Go ahead. Jim: Ok, um, this is' [leaves DVD with her]'I'll be right back. Jim: What do we got? Dwight: I was thinking of proposing to Esther today. Jim: Wow! Congratulations, that's a really big step. Dwight: She's got a ton of great qualities. She's young, she's beautiful, genes so pure you could lick them. Her family admires me, my family tolerates hers. A lot of them are the same people because we're third cousins, which is great for bloodlines and isn't technically incest. Jim: Right in the sweet spot. I think you're gonna be really happy. Dwight: Plus her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen, premium cattle sperm. Jim: [whistles] That's a lot of pros. Dwight: And did I mention that she weaves? Colorful, durable blankets and rugs! It all adds up. Jim: So what is the problem? Dwight: Angela. Jim: I don't know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation. Dwight: Some sort of virus? Jim: Love. Dwight: Oh. Jim: Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have. Dwight: You're a good assistant, Jim. Jim: Not as good as you. Dwight: That's very true. Get the hell outta here. Jim: You got it. Jim: You watched it. Pam: Yeah. Jim: Well, then I guess you're ready for this. [gives her the Christmas card] Pam: What's that? Jim: It's from the teapot. Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note. [Pam reads the card] Not enough for me? You are everything. Pam: Thank you. Erin: Ok, everybody ready? Phyllis: Hit it, red! ['Boogie Wonderland' by Earth Wind & Fire plays as Darryl dances with each member of the office] Darryl: I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I'm gonna miss these guys. Oscar: Ok, I've got my' Meredith: See you guys at Poor Richard's, all right? Oscar: All right, Meredith. Angela: Okay, bye. Oscar: See you there. Kevin: Bye, Phillip. High five. Oscar: Yay! I am gonna drop Phillip off at my mother's, and I'll meet you at Poor Richard's in an hour. Angela: Are you sure you don't want me to drop him off? Oscar: She doesn't know I'm living with a straight woman. I don't want to get her hopes up. Angela: All right. Bye, buddy. Bye, bye, bye! Oscar: Oh, my goodness. Dwight: [in bullhorn] Pull over! Angela: Dwight? Dwight: Move to the side of the road! Angela: Why? Dwight: Pull over! Angela: What do you'Dwight! [Dwight cuts her off in his car, they pull over] Angela: [getting out of her car] Dwight! What the [bleep] is your problem! Dwight: [on bullhorn still] Shut up, woman! Angela: Who drives like that? Dwight: Listen to me! I love you! And I don't care that Phillip's not my son. I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means that I can be with you! Angela: Can you put that down? Dwight: This expresses how loudly I love you. Angela: It's too loud. Dwight: [puts down bullhorn and kneels] This is a ring, taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites. Angela: Okay, yes'yes, I will! [they kiss] I love you! Dwight: I love you! Angela: And I lied to you. Dwight: What? Angela: Phillip's your son. Dwight: What? Why would you say that' Angela: I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me. Dwight: [excited] Get out! I'm a dad! Angela: You're a dad! Creed: Hey, grab a seat. We have that table and that table, but not that table or that table or that table. Floor's up for grabs. Meredith has been hogging the can. [Dwight kisses Creed's head] Oh! Erin: You have to change the channel to PBS. Kevin: Yeah. Bartender: College baseball is on. Erin: But there's a documentary coming up. Everyone in the bar will love it. Bartender: What's it about? Erin: A paper company. Bartender: How many people want the game? [half the bar cheers] Who wants PBS? [other half cheers] Sorry. Tie means I do nothing. Kevin: Sir, please. This show is about me and my attempts to find love in all the wrong places. Andy: One more for the doc. [the office staff cheers] Bartender: All right. Kevin: Yes! Clark: Hey, how was the singing show audition? Andy: Oh. Eh, whatever. No big deal. Creed: Ok, thirty seconds to showtime! Kevin: I feel scared a little. Phyllis: Yeah, I'm not ready for this. Stanley: No one is ready for this. You can't be ready for this. We don't even know what this is. Oscar: One thing we do know, nothing will ever be the same. Jim: Here we go. [documentary starts with the first scene of 'Pilot']

Rick: Morty! You gotta come on. Jus'... you gotta come with me. Morty: What, Rick? What's going on? Rick: I got a surprise for you, Morty. Morty: It's the middle of the night. What are you talking about? Rick: Come on, I got a surprise for you. Come on, hurry up. Morty: Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard! Rick: We gotta go, gotta get outta here, come on. Got a surprise for you Morty. Rick: What do you think of this... flying vehicle, Morty? I built it outta stuff I found in the garage. Morty: Yeah, Rick... I-it's great. Is this the surprise? Rick: Morty. I had to... I had to do it. I had- I had to- I had to make a bomb, Morty. I had to create a bomb. Morty: What?! A bomb?! Rick: We're gonna drop it down there just get a whole fresh start, Morty. Create a whole fresh start. Morty: T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Rick: Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Morty: Jessica? From my math class? Rick: When I drop the bomb you know, I want you to have somebody, you know? I want you to have the thing. I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. Morty: Ohh... Rick: And Jessica's gonna be Eve. Morty: Whhhh-wha? Rick: And so that's the surprise, Morty. Morty: No, you can't! Jessica doesn't even know I exist! But-but, but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity! Rick: I-I get what you're trying to say, Morty. Listen, I'm not... You don't got... Y-you don't gotta worry about me trying to fool around with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. I'm not that kind of guy, Morty. Morty: What are you talking about, Rick? Rick: You-you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. Sh-sh-she- she, she, she's all for you, Morty. Morty: I don't care about Jessica! Y-Yyyyyyyyyyou- Rick: You know what, Morty? You're right. Let's forget the girl altogether. She, she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. Morty: That's it... that's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Rick: Get off of me, Morty! Morty: I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy! I'm put-I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm puttin'... I-I'm, I'm, I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... dumb person and just le-let you ruin the whole world! Rick: Come on! What's gotten into you? If you love Earth so much why don't you marry it? What are you, crazy? Alright, alright, Morty. Rick: Alright. I'll-I'll land. I'll land. I'll land. I'll land the thing. I'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden. Rick: We'll park it right here, Morty. Right here on the side of the ree... road here. Morty: Oh, thank god. Rick: You know what? That was all a test, Morty. Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. Morty: It was? Rick: Sure. Why not? I don't, I don't know. Y-you know what, Mo- Morty: Um... Jerry: I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Summer: Oh my God, his head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Beth: Morty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. Morty: I wasn't kissing a pillow, mom. I just I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Summer: Or maybe you were out all night again with Grandpa Rick. Jerry: What? Beth: Dad? Rick: What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Jerry: Damn it! Beth: Jerry! Jerry: Beth! Summer: Oh my god, my parents are so loud, I want to die. Rick: Mm, there is no God, Summer. You gotta rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Jerry: Okay, with all due respect, Rick- what am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept Sci-Fi rigamarole? Rick: Listen, Jerry. I-I-I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world. You're a real Julius Caesar but I'll tell you something-tell you how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time. Buncha people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "two plus two." The people in the back say, "four." Then the-then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. I wish your mother was here to eat them. Beth: Oh, dad... Jerry: What? For real? Mr. Goldenfold: Alright, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Mr. Goldenfold: Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math? And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in. Two plus two. Morty: Jessica. Mr. Goldenfold: Five plus five. Morty: Jessica. Mr. Goldenfold: Okay, good. It's time for the quiz. Mr. Goldenfold: Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room. There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3 Jessica: Hi, Morty. Morty: Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Jessica: Can I show these to you? Morty: Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you! Jessica: You know what I named these? My little Morties. Morty: Uh, that's flattering... and a little weird. Jessica: Do you know what I want you to do with them? Morty: Rename them? Jessica: Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. No wrong answers. Morty: Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Jessica: Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Morty: Uh, I-I'm just doing my best. Mr. Goldenfold: Morty! What are you doing to me?! Morty: Ah, Jessica. Mr. Goldenfold: Morty! Morty: Jessica. Mr. Goldenfold: Five more minutes of this, and I'm gonna get mad. Morty: Je-Jessica. Jessica. Mr. Goldenfold: Not my fault this is happening. Morty: Uh, morning, Frank. Morty: Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. Rick: There you are, Morty. Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Morty: Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-what'd you do to Frank? Rick: It's pretty obvious, Morty. I froze him. Now listen I need your help, Morty. I mean, we got we got to get get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Morty. Morty: I don't know, Rick. I can't leave school again. Rick: Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Morty? What do you think I can just do it all by myself? Come on! Morty: Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip history. What about Frank? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him? Rick: I'll do it later, Morty. He'll be fine. Let's go. Summer: Hi, Frank. Summer: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!! Beth: Scalpel. Jerry: Knock, knock. Beth: Jerry? Jerry: My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "hey, why not swing by where your wife works?" Beth: Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason. Jerry: Well, it's lunch. I mean, it's one of three meals that have existed for millennia. Beth: Okay, I only ask, Jerry, because, as you know, my job involves performing heart surgery. Jerry: Well, yeah, on horses. Beth: Excuse me? Jerry: Okay, Let's not rehash that fight. I sense that you're busy and will now be on my way. Jerry: Whoa! What is this on the floor? Some kind of literature for a really nice-looking nursing home. Hey, honey, crazy idea bad pitch let's put your dad here. Let's put your dad in a nursing home. Beth: Hey, Tom! We know when we're losing him. WE CAN HEAR THE BEEPS! Rick: There she is. All right. Come on, Morty. Let's go. Morty: Oh, geez, okay. Morty: Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? Rick: It's Dimension 35-C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Morty, called a Mega Tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega Seeds. They're they're incredibly powerful, and I need them to help me with my research, Morty. Morty: Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. Rick: All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Morty, we're gonna be- Rick: HOLY CRAP, MORTY RUN!!! Rick: I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Morty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Morty! Rick: Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that breathe that fresh air in, Morty. Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Morty. That's that's the smell of-of-of-of a whole different evolutionary timeline. Morty: All right, Rick, look how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now? Rick: Are you joking me? I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us. Look at that thing right there. What the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind of thing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. It defies all logic, that thing. Morty: Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind of the reason why I want to leave. Rick: Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Morty, you see this? Rick: You see what we just stumbled upon, Morty? Any idea what that is down there? Morty: The mega trees? Rick: That's right, Morty the mega trees with the mega fruit on them and that's what I'm talking about, Morty. That's where my seeds are. If we would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because you're so in love with school. Morty: All right, all right. So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? Rick: You ask a lot of questions, Morty. Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under- underfoot figure. Rick: Just take these shoes, Morty. They're special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things, these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Morty up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together. Morty: AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! Rick: You have to turn them on, Morty! The shoes have to be turned on! Beth: I am not putting my father in a home! He just came back into my life, and you want to grab him and stuff him under a mattress like last month's Victoria's Secret? Jerry: I told you I was ordering you something for Valentine's Day. More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son. Beth: It's fine, Davin. Jerry: Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, I will come to the hotel room and blow my brains out all over your naked bodies. Beth: Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Morty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend. Jerry: Well, maybe you're right. Beth: Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. I'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Jerry: Ahem, Horse heart surgeon. Principal Vagina: Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina, no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon? Rick: Morty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now. You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Morty, for them to work. Yeah, look I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze. Morty: I'm in a lot of pain, Rick! Rick: Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Morty? Morty: Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this! I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Ow! Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but-but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Rick: Okay, hold on just a second, Morty. Morty: Ooh! Ohh! Ooh! Hnngh! Hoo! Ooh! Ohh! Aaaaagh! Oooooh! Morty: Ooh, Ohh, Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuff just healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Rick: Don't worry about it, Morty. Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy? Morty: Sure thing, Rick. Rick: Not that you asked, Morty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. The stuff was all over the place, Morty. Morty: Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick. Rick: There's just one problem, Morty one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, that they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Morty, and they had been forever. I was the only old person there, Morty. It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. I-I was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Morty, and they-they-they- they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device it's got no charge left, Morty. It's got no charge left. Morty: What?! Rick: It's as good as garbage, Morty. It's not gonna work anymore, Morty. Morty: Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? I-I have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home? Rick: There's ways to get back home, Morty. It's just it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through interdimensional customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Morty: Uh-oh. Rick: When we get to customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Morty. Morty: In my butt? Rick: Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Morty: Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Rick: Well, somebody's got to do it, Morty. Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Morty Morty: Uuuh. Rick: And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Morty. I mean, you're young. Y-y-you've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for grandpa, Morty. Y- you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. Morty: In my butt? Rick: Come on, Morty. Please, Morty. You have to do it, Morty. Morty: Oh, man. Principal Vagina: The fact is, your son, Morty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months. Beth: What? Why didn't you notify us? Principal Vagina: I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Jerry: Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Principal Vagina: Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school. Beth: Summer? Summer: What kind of God lets this happen? Principal Vagina: We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them. Announcer: The glarp zone is for flarping and unglarping only. Announcer: The glarp zone is for flarping and unglarping only. Rick: I don't like it here, Morty. I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Morty: Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. Rick: That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Morty. Those mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do a- Rick: Why does he have to go over there? Rick: What new- what new machine? Rick: Run, Morty! Run! Morty: Aaaaaah! Morty: Ohhhhh! Morty: Ohhhhhh! Morty: Aaaaah! Rick: Don't think about it! Rick: Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher. Morty: Whoooooo! Rick: I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Morty. Cover me. Morty: Oh, man. I mean, you know, I-I don't want to shoot nobody. Rick: They're just robots, Morty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Morty: They're not robots, Rick! Rick: It's a figure of speech, Morty. They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Morty. You have no idea what prison is like here! Morty: Holy crap! This is insane! Rick: Come on, Morty! We got to get the hell out of here! Jessica: Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Morty: Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my-my Ferrari's in the shop. Just kidding. Jessica: You're Morty, right? Morty: Yeah. Rick: You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. You got to get those seeds out of your ass. Jerry: Oh, look, honey. It's our son with Albert Ein-douche. Beth: What? Jerry: I'm an angry father, not an improviser. Rick: Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your-your parents and I are very disappointed in-in this behavior... No? No takers? Rick: You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning. Jerry: You're beyond our reasoning! Rick: Takes one to know one. Beth: Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. Rick: What what are you guys doing with my stuff? Beth: We're moving you to a nursing home. Rick: A nursing home? What are what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Jerry: Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. Beth: What does that mean? Jerry: It's personal. Morty: Dad, mom, come on. Rick just needed my help is all. Jerry: Morty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable of judging these situations on your own. Rick: What are you trying to say about Morty? That he's stupid or something? Beth: Oh, don't high-road us, dad. You know fully well that Morty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. Rick: I-I-I don't know what you mean by that. Can can can you be a little bit more specific? Jerry: Oh, for crying out-he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? Morty: I do? Jerry: Well, duh doy, son. Look, I love you, Morty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard. Morty: Aw, geez, dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once. Rick: Morty, t-tell your parents the square root of pi. Morty: Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. Rick: The square root of Pi, Morty. Go! Morty: 1.77245385... Whoa! Beth: What the hell? Jerry: Holy crap. He's right. Rick: Morty, tell your parents the first law of Thermodynamics. Morty: "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! Jerry: But- Rick: I told the both of you school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. He needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Beth: Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. Jerry: No, I-I understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Rick: Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say no? You-you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be clear communication. Summer: Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! Rick: No idea what you're talking about. Jerry: Okay. Well, uh, Morty, it's your bedtime in an hour. Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family and now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you. Beth: You know what? Okay. Morty: Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter. Rick: Full disclosure, Morty it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. Morty: Aw, man. Rick: Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Morty. Morty: Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. Rick: I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come and I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them up just to get your parents off my back, so now we're gonna have to go get more adventures. And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty and you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Morty but if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty, and you're gonna be part of them, and together, we're gonna run around, Morty. We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. The outside world is our enemy, Morty. We're the only friends we've got, Morty. It's just Rick and Morty. Rick and Morty and their adventures, Morty. Rick and Morty forever and forever. Morty's things. Me and Rick and Morty running around, and Rick and Morty time. All day long, forever. All a hundred days. Rick and Morty forever 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com.

Jerry: What? Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside? Jerry: Outside? Jerry: Are you kidding me?! Come on! Summer: Oh, my God. Morty: What's wrong? Jerry: Your idiot dog! Morty: Oh, he he didn't mean it, dad. Did you, snuffles? You're a good boy. Jerry: Don't praise him now, Morty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Rick: Morty, come on. I need your help tonight. Jerry: Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? Rick: I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty. Jerry: Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or Morty's grounded! Summer: Ha-ha! Morty: Aw, man! Rick: Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. Rick: All right, Ruffles What's his name? Morty: Snuffles. Rick: Snuffles, shake. Rick: Roll over. Rick: Go to the bathroom. Jerry: Holy crap! Summer: No way. Rick: Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. Morty: That was fantastic, Rick! Rick: Yeah, Morty, if you like that, boy, you're you're really going to flip your lid over this one. Morty: W-w-w-what is it? Rick: It's a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Morty. It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. Morty: You talking about "Inception"? Rick: That's right, Morty. This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna may-be make sense. Morty: "Inception" made sense. Rick: You don't have to try to impress me, Morty. Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Morty. That way you can, you know, y-you're gonna help me with my science, Morty, all the time. Morty: Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? Rick: Are you listening to me, Morty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it. Rick: Come on, let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. You're frustrating me. Mrs. Pancakes: You don't know me! Mr. Goldenfold: ' Nice, Mrs. Pancakes real nice. Mrs. Pancakes: You don't know me! Rick: Uh-oh! Spoilers! Rick: I'm a full season behind. Morty: Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house. It's really weird. Rick: It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Morty. Mrs. Pancakes: Wheat thins. Wheat thins. Mr. Goldenfold: I'll take two. Mrs. Pancakes: Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. Rick: All right, Morty, time to make our move. Mr. Goldenfold: Make it bounce. Mrs. Pancakes: No, you didn't. Mr. Goldenfold: Oh, jiggle it now. Mrs. Pancakes: You better stop with that. Rick: Allahu akbar! We're gonna take control of this plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Morty Smith gets better grades in math! Rick: Hey! I said nobody move, buddy! Mr. Goldenfold: The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Rick: Take cover, Morty! Mr. Goldenfold: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Morty: Ooohhh! Rick: Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. I didn't take him for an active dreamer. We've got to take him out so he wakes up, Morty but we can't get killed. If you get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Morty. Morty: What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Rick: Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Morty. Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine! Jerry: Now bring me my slippers. Summer: Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. Jerry: This is what I'm talking about. This is a dog. Jerry: You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what? Snuffles: Ooowwwwowowwaawaa! Summer: Oh, my God! He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome. Snuffles: Aaaawwaaaaawaawa! Jerry: Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna". Snuffles: Ooooyayawawa! Summer: He's saying "I love Obama". So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now. Jerry: I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing? Snuffles: Hmm? Rick: Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Rick: Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mr. Goldenfold: Mrs. Pancakes! AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! Rick: Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Rick: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoooooaaaa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoooooaaaa! Morty: Whooooa! Whoooooooa! Whoa! Whooooooooaaaaa! Morty: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Rick: Relax, Morty. Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Mrs. Pancakes: Hey, you don't know me! Morty: Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out of the air while he lets us fall - into a giant vat of lava! Rick: Pretty concise, Morty. Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Morty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Morty. That'll buy us some time to figure this out! Mrs. Pancakes: You don't know m- Rick: All right, let's go. Morty: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Rick: Don't judge, Morty. Morty: Okay. All right, well Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up. Rick: Whoa, whoa, Morty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. If we're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. I'll talk to you after lunch. Morty: Ooh, oh! Oh, man. Morty: I'm sorry. No, no. Morty: No, thanks! Morty: No, I'm okay. Morty: Whoa! Summer: Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Morty: Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Rick: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Morty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. Morty: It's Summer! Aw, geez. Summer: Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy. Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Rick: Time to go another dream deep, Morty! Morty: What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Rick: Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me? Scary Terry: Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! RAAAAAWWWRRR! Rick: Oh, here we go! Morty: Ooooooohhhhh! Holy crap! Rick: Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror character with miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. Scary Terry: I'm scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Jerry: Whoa! Hey, buddy. What you got going on there? Snuffles: Snuffles fix. Make better. Summer: Humans understand snuffles now? That is awesome! Snuffles: Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles need to be understood. Jerry: Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over. Summer: Whoa, dad, you can't, like, endow a creature with sentience and then rip it away. Jerry: Why not? Summer: I don't know. It's Indian giving. Summer: Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV. Rick: Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Morty! Morty: Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! Rick: The little girl! Morty: Huh? Rick: Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Morty: Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Scary Terry: Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Morty: Ohhhh! Rick: Holy crap, Morty. He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed! Snuffles: Where are my testicles, Summer? ... Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Snuffles: Do not call me that! Snuffles: "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white. Summer: Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Snuffles: Scaring you? Summer: AAAAAAAHHH!!!!! Snuffles: Tell me, Summer, if a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the dachshund? Summer: Uhhh ... Jerry: Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is is is everything okay in here? Snuffles: Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? Summer: Yeah. Totally. Let's go. Snuffles: You will walk when it is time to walk. Rick: What are we here for again? Incepting? We're trying to incept- Morty: We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Rick: Oh, yeah. Scary Terry: Buckle up, bitch! Morty: Ooooooaaahhh! Morty: Man, he sure says "bitch" a lot! Scary Terry: You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Rick: Hold on, Morty. Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we can hide. I say we try hiding. Morty: But that's the opposite of what- Rick: Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything? Morty: Hey, you know what? You got a really good point there, Rick. Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? I-I-I think it's a good idea, Rick. Rick: Worst-case scenario we're back to running. Morty: Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Rick: Thanks, Morty. Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. Scary Terry: You can run But you can't hide! Rick: Oh, this is perfect, Morty. Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move. Jerry: Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding. Summer: Dad, he wants to be called snowball. Jerry: Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. Snuffles: You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. Jerry: Huh! You think you can control me with a haircut? Scary Terry: I don't want to talk about it! Scary Terry: Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon. I love you, Melissa. Rick: Morty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him. Rick: Looks like scary Terry's having a nightmare. Morty: Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know scare Scary Terry. Scary Terry: Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Scary Terry: Oh, uh, um ... "Bitch." Rick: Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Rick: You're putting too much pressure on yourself, scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is. Morty: Hey, yo, scary T., don't even trip about your pants dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Scary Terry: Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. Morty: You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. Rick: You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip. Scary Terry: Oh, hey, it's you guys! Scary Terry: If you guys ever need anything, just say the word. Rick: As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with. Scary Terry: I always hated that song! Scary Terry: These halves don't belong together, bitch! Scary Terry: Sex is sacred! Scary Terry: This is because you don't give Morty Smith good grades, bitch! Mr. Goldenfold: Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure I'm giving Morty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought. Morty: What the hell? Rick: Out of the frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Morty? Morty: Oh, man, what's going on? Rick: Well, it's possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier, then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Morty. Jerry: I can't believe how mean snuffles got just because he's smart. Summer: This is why I choose to get C's. Rick: Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Morty: - Dad! - Rick! Rick: If we hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Jerry: Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it. Rick: It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? Jerry: Wait a minute. I have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Snuffles: Bad person. Bad. Rick: Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Snuffles: Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Morty. That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Morty: Th-thanks, snuffles. Snuffles: Begin phase two. Morty: Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! Rick: No, no, no, I was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. Morty: What? Rick: It's a dream, Morty. We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside snuffles' dream. Morty: But I-it's been like a whole year! Rick: It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Morty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Morty: Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. Rick: No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Morty. You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Morty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Morty: Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Rick: Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Morty. Here, here take these, Morty. Take these. Morty: Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Rick: Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. Morty: What?! Rick: It's necessary for the plan, Morty. Don't even trip, dawg. Snuffles: Anything. Anything for my precious Morty. Snuffles: To hell with my kingdom, bean counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Snuffles: We are not them! We are not them. Snuffles: Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak, more cruelty. Instead, we will go to a new world and colonize it with a society of intelligent dogs, one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory. Morty: I'm gonna miss you, snowball. Snuffles: You can call me snuffles, Morty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much. Beth: Jerry? Jerry: I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller. Beth: Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it. Morty: Wow! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs. I wonder what it'll be like, Rick. Rick: I think it will be great, Morty. You know it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Morty, for at least 11 minutes a pop. You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven. Morty: You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick. Rick: What do you know, Morty? What do you know? Rick: Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.

Principal Vagina: Principal Vagina here, don't let the name fool you, I'm very much in charge, reminding you that tonight is our annual flu season dance. I don't know how many times I have to say this but if you have the flu, stay home, the flu season dance is about awareness, not celebration. You don't bring dead babies to Passover. Morty: Ohhh. Okay, here we go. H-Heyy Jessica, ughh. Jessica: What's up Morty? Morty: Ugghh Brad: What are you doing? Morty: Ummm Brad: Wait, wait, Were you about to talk... to her? Morty: Well, I mean, I was thinking about it. Brad: Dude, Stay in your league! Look at how hot she is! You don't see me going to a bigger school, in a wealthier district and hittin' on their prettiest girl! Jessica: Gee, thanks, Brad. Brad: I throw balls far. You want good words, date a languager. Jerry: Eh, Try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. Morty: You're missing the point, Dad. I don't want girls, I want Jessica! Jerry: Ahhh, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named your mom, and that's not an urban dis, your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her, I thought... Rick: I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me. Jerry: I beg your pardon, Rick, INAPPROPRIATE. Rick: Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you want to take romantic advice from this guy, Morty, his marriage is hanging from a thread. Jerry: My marriage is fine, thank you. Rick: Jerry, it's your house, whatever you say it is is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed. Morty: Come on, Rick, don't talk about my parents like that. Rick: Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science. Morty: Alright, well, I'm gonna go get dressed for the dance. Jerry: Yeah, I'm just going to...check on your mom. Rick: Morty, hand me that screwdriver, huh? I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Morty. It's gonna be great. Morty: Hey, listen, Rick. You know how you said that, you know... love is a chemical and all that stuff from earlier? Well, I was thinkn', you know, www... could you make some sort of chemical thing happen inside of Jessica's mind, you know, so where she falls in love with me and all that sort of thing, you know, like maybe make some sort of love potion or something? Rick: Morty, that's such a poor use of my time, it's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver. Morty: YOU KNOW WHAT, NO RICK! I'M NOT GONNA HAND YOU THE SCREWDRIVER! Uh, I'm never gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick. I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. Www...what about me, Rick? Www... why can't you just help me out once, once, for once? Rick: You're growing up fast, Morty. You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass! Listen, this is called oxytocin. I extracted it from a vole. You know what a VOLE is, Morty, you know what a vole is? Rick: It's a, it's a rodent that mates for life, Morty. This is the chemical release in the mammal's brain, ...that makes it fall in love. Alright Morty, I just gotta combine it with some of your DNA. Morty: Oh well, okay... Rick: A hair, Morty, I need one of your hairs! This isn't Game Of Thrones. Morty: Oww! Rick: Alright, Morty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Ya happy now, Morty? Morty: Heck yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick! Hey there's no dangers or anything or side effects, right? Rick: Www.. what am I, a hack?! Go nuts, Morty, it's full proof. Rick: Ugh, unless she has the flu. Jerry: Beth, do you still love me? Beth: Want kinda question is that? Jerry: The "yes" or "no" kind. Beth: Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Jerry: Yess. Beth: Are you gonna build them? Jerry: Noo. Beth: Then what good was the "yes"? Jerry: Wait, iii... is loving me the house or the homeless people? Beth: Loving you is work, Jerry, hard work, like building a homeless shelter. Nobody want to say "no" to doing it, but some people put the work in. So what do ya say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Jerry: Sort of. Beth: But I obviously sort of love you, don't I? So stop asking and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, They need me at the horse hospital. Jerry: This late? Beth: The racetrack had a starlit derby, there's a seven horse collision, and Davin's there alone. Morty: Hey there, Jessica. Whooa-whoopsie! Jessica: Omigod, Morty. You look REALLY nice tonight. Morty: WOW, thanks! Jessica: I love you, Morty. I love you so much it burns! Morty: Oh man. I love you too, Jessica! Brad: Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Jessica: LEAVE HIM ALONE, JERK! I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM! HE'S MORE MAN THEN YOU WILL EVER BE! Brad: Aw man, Morty, ugh, I'm really sorry. Morty: Oh, well, no problem Brad. Brad: There's somethin' special bout you, somethin' special. Morty: Whoa, take it easy! Jessica: GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF HIM! Brad: BACK OFF I'M TRYING TO BE WITH MY MAN! Principal Vagina: That's enough Bradley. We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Brad: Oh, Principal Vagina. Jessica: Never leave me, Morty, NEVER. Morty: Uh, sure. I mean, of course not. What do you think that was all about? Jessica: Who cares? Just hold me. Brad: LET ME GO!!! I LOVE YOU MORTY! Jerry: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Summer: Yeah, Dad, digging around the inside of horses. It's not a very romantic setting.

Summer: Hurry up Morty, Grampa's about to unfreeze time. You know you really should be cleaning from top to bottom. Morty: I know how to vacuum Mom and Dad, Summer, I've been doing it for six months! Summer: Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my God, is that mildew? Morty: It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day! Summer: You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grampa Rick might make me his new sidekick? Morty: What? What kind of monster are you? Summer: A competent one. Rick: Who cares about the thing you guys are talking about? The whole point of freezing time is to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing. Rick: Alright, listen, you two, we froze time for a pretty long time, so when I unfreeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Morty: Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? Rick: It means relax and stop being a pussy, Morty. I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards. Morty: Wait a minute, what? Rick: And away we go! Morty: Uh, did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Rick: Shhh, Morty! Jerry: ...A THING OR TWO ABOUT... wait, what? Was the house...? When we pulled up I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Rick: Negative visualization, Jerry. It explains a lot about where you're at. Hi, sweety. Beth: Hi, dad. Beth: Summer, Morty, are you okay? Morty: W-We just missed you a lot. Summer: Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you though. Rick: Yeah it would literally destroy them. Now listen, why do-why do-why-why don't you guys go get a free sunday ice cream, go out there and get some ice creams. Here's five hundred dollars cash in unmarked moneys. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and uh, kick it on over to ya. You guys go nuts. Jerry: This better not be a bribe. If I find a single thing out of place in this house, my love of ice cream won't save you. I'll get my jacket. Beth: Sweety, is your shirt on backwards? Morty: Oh! Rick: Uh oh. Jerry: Yeah, I like it this way. I'm not stupid. Morty: Phew... Rick: Man that guy is the Red Grin Grumble to pretending he knows what's going on. Oh you agree, huh? You like that Red Grin Grumble reference? Well guess what? I made him up. You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves, don't be sheep. Summer: God, I feel terrible. Rick: Yup, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the universe can be. One minute you're falling off a roof for six months, the next minute, bam! Morty: Uh, just to be clear, it was Summer's job to put the mattress under- Summer: Uh, what? It was your job, Morty. Morty: Nuh uh! Summer: Yeah huh! Rick: Actually, sorry Summer, I gotta back the M bomb on this one. I remember the conversation. We told Morty to replace all the bank's money with cookies, your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Morty: Boom! In your face Summer! You really dropped the ball, man. Summer: Shut up Morty, you vindictive little turd! Morty: You shut up you big... female asshole! Summer: I didn't! Morty: You didn't what? Morty: What's yours? Morty: You shut up! Rick: Whoa whoa wh-what the hell hell hell hell hell? All Ricks: Oh God, oh no, what did you guys just do? Summer 1: What do you mean? All Summers: Wait, what am I saying? Rick: Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? All Mortys: Oh man... I don't feel good. Morty 1: Am I me? I think so. Morty 2: A-am I talking right now? All Mortys: Wait, who said that? All Ricks: Alright both of you, just don't move, don't speak, don't think. I have to check something. Summer 1: What should we do Morty? Morty 1: Let's see if he needs help. Morty 2: What do you mean you're gonna help him. Summer 1: Ugh, I can help too. All Summers: What's happening Grampa? All Ricks: Shut up! Oh crap are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! Morty 1: What do you mean? Morty 2: What? In English? Summer 1: What? English please? All Ricks: Our time is fractured. You two somehow created a feedback loop of uncertainty that's split our reality into two equally possible impossiblities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. All Mortys: But I thought there were infinite timelines. All Ricks: We're not on any timeline, dummy. Look. All Mortys: Oh, my God! All Summers: Are those cats? All Ricks: I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. A-actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us. All Ricks: "Mom and Dad?" Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless grounded story about their shitty marriage. Jerry: Cold Stone Creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining twenty dollars? Beth: You realize they sing no matter how much you tip. Beth: Holy shit! What happened? Jerry: I hit a deer! W-we have to tell the cops you were driving. Beth: W-what? Jerry: This is Rum Raisin! Beth: It's still alive. Jerry: Well, do we- do I uh, get a big rock? Or- Beth: It's not an armadillo, asshole! Jerry: I thought that's what a man's supposed to say, it's not like I could have actually done it. Beth: If we were near a hospital, I could treat it, but I-I think we have to just- Jerry: It's okay, this is just something that happens. And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do, you're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon. Beth: So... Jerry: Well don't different animals- Beth: Require different levels of skill to keep alive? Jerry: Oh God... Beth: Get the deer in the car, Jerry. Jerry: Yes Beth. All Ricks: This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible.Morty 1 Morty 2: And you did it so you could clean the house after a party? All Ricks: Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Morty. Like literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "is". Morty 1: Or... Morty 2: Or? All Ricks: We "isn't" All Ricks: Alright, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. All Ricks: Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go! Rick: Huh, what do you know, it's working Summer 1: Ow, ow ouch! Morty 2: Whoa, ow, ow. Rick: Oh shit. All Ricks: What the hell is wrong with you two!? I-I m-I m-I mean you four!? All Ricks: Good I'm glad it was painful. You do deserve it! I saw you, you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for twenty minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! All Mortys: Well you don't exactly make it easy, Rick! Morty 1: You make fun of me all the time and now Summer's doing it too! Morty 2: You're always picking on me and now you got someone to kiss your ass! Summer 1: Me? What about you? Would you get more excited to see me fail? You want Grampa all to yourself! All Ricks: Alright, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, you both wanna be "Grampa's favorite." I can fix this. Morty sit here, Summer, you sit here. Now listen, I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grampa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah, I can prove it mathematically. Actually, let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming anyway. Beth: Emergency, wounded deer coming in. Vet: Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. Beth: I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. Nurse, please move that snake. Vet: That's my nurse, and as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs- Beth: As a vet, I'm sure you know a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor, so let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out, it's time to save a life! Vet: Geez... Beth: That's odd, this deer's wounded. Jerry: Uh, yeah, I was there, you don't have to rub it in. Beth: I mean it's been shot. With a gun. Vet: May I help you, sir? Vet: Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting or euthenizing them and also when eating them at almost any meal. Beth: In your dreams, bitch! Scalpel! All Ricks: So in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy hysterical bird brained homunculi. And I honestly can't tell the two of you half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. Alright, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world? All Ricks: Alright, perfect. Sit still, arms down, I'm gonna do this again, this time, be like Grampa. Morty 2: You mean drunk? Morty 2: No. All Ricks: Huh, that's weird. Oh, my God. All Summers: What? All Ricks: That son of a bitch is gonna kill me! All Mortys: Rick what the hell are you doing? All Ricks: Saving our lives. After he takes me out he's gonna be coming for you! All Summers: Who? All Ricks: Me! All Summers: Ahh! All Mortys: Whoa whoa! All Ricks: Oh God, now there's three of them, we're outnumbered! Get in the cupboards! Wait, don't don't do that, they'll know... wait wait, think about getting in the cupboards but don't really. AAAAH IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT YOU SICK FUCKS? YOU WANNA SEE CHILDREN DIE? Beth: You son of a bitch, you don't stop living until I SAY SO! Vet: Who's this now? Jerry: She normally works on horses. Beth: Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here! I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Vet: Jesus... All Ricks: Shh shh... I know where you are, you creepy old monster... I know how you think! Oh, is this where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well maybe you're right! All Summers: Holy shit, now what? All Mortys: Well if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? All Summers: Right. All Mortys: Okay... so from now on, whatever we do we have to be certain. All Summers: Right... All Mortys: I think I'm certain we're F'd in the A. All Ricks: Oh God, my head. What did you guys do? All Mortys: We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy, and you caused another time fracture. All Summers: You tried to kill yourself! All Ricks: Only in self defense, myself tried to kill me first! Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it. Well actually, I do expect you to understand that, it's basic math. C-could someone just let me out of here? If I die in a cage I lose a bet. All Summers: Well is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? All Ricks: Ah, for God's sake, alright here, give me the time crystal. All Mortys: W-what're you doing? All Ricks: Calling myself. Here, listen, it'll probably go to voice mail since, you know, I'm calling myself. All Ricks: Don't fall for it, it's a bit. All Ricks: Hey Rick, it's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it too. Take it easy. Whoa. Damn, look at this, I'm blown up. Three new voicemails. Yeah yeah, I heard this one. You get the idea we're cool now. All Summers: Okay, well we're still not gonna let you out of this crate. All Ricks: Fine I'll just do it myself. All Mortys: If you could get out that whole time why didn't you? All Ricks: Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Morty. That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. All Mortys: You know, geez Rick, y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. Morty 1: Oh, my God! Morty 2: It's a monster! Summer 1: It's a monster! Testicle Monster A: Ey, ye ey, quit yellin' quit yellin'. Testicle Monster A: What the fuck?! Your time is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time, twice! Testicle Monster A: How did this happen? Testicle Monster A: Shut the fuck up! Oh, damn, I'm from the 4th dimension. I can hear all o' y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Testicle Monster A: Ay, damn it, were you tryin' to use this to- oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standin in it you dumn ass three-dimensional monkey ass dummies? All Mortys: Oh way to go, Rick. All Summers: Yeah Grampa, way to go. All Ricks: Oh, what you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head! He came here in a bubble. For all we know he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsack Land. Testicle Monster A: Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all just-just negligent, now ay, ay, ay, the three of you, put your collars on! Testicle Monster A: Exactly, because you're being obstinate. Rick: Yes, we're back, problem solved. Summer: Yes, we're back to our own time. Morty: Yes no more cats, no more cats, oh you did it, you fixed it. Testicle Monster A: Yeah, now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak ass time again. Rick: How long exactly do we have to wear these things? They're really embarassing. Testicle Monster A: Well since you're goin' to time prison, I'd say you can keep em on forever. Summer: Time prison? Testicle Monster A: Yeah, well I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way you dumb ass, assin' ass asses could ever have one, is if it was stolen. Summer: You stole a time freezing crystal from testical monsters? Rick: I would have been happy to pay for it, Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him! Testicle Monster A: Ututututut! You'd better keep back! Man this will turn your ass into a third trimester fetus from 30 yards. Vet: Hmm... Beth: Isn't there a kitten somewhere that needs a manicure? Jerry: Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of Elk, Moose Deer and Stag. They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border, where your jurisdiction ends. Vet: I guess that's the end of that. Jerry: We did it... Testicle Monster A: Uh-huh, no motha- no, Earth, dude, I'm talking 'bout, yeah, with the dinosaurs. No, if you've get to the dolphin people, you've gone too far. Alright man, I'll talk to you later, okay. You know what they do with 3rd dimensional life forms in time prison? Same thing they do in every other prison, only forever. Morty: Why are you doing this? Testicle Monster A: You think I wanna be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life? I got ambitions man, bringin' you guys in is my ticket up. Rick: What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? Testicle Monster A: You really think I'm that stupid? Rick: Alright, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Well in that case there's 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. Testicle Monster A: I cannot argue that. Rick: Ah, God, gross and weird! Testicle Monster A: Chris! Testicle Monster A: You killed my gun! Rick: Summer, Morty, take off your collars! Testicle Monster A: What? What the hell are you doing? Rick: Good question. I suppose the answer is Testicle Monster A: Oh, no, what are you doin'? Testicle Monster A: Lis- ay, to, AH. But these arms are vestigial. Now you poked me where an eye would have been about six million years ago. Testicle Monster A: Ow, I'm defeated... Jerry: Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer, and I know you wanted to be the one to save it. Beth: Whatever. How petty would I have to be to care less about an animal's life than my own ego? Jerry: Hmm... you'd have to be pretty petty. But you'd still be the woman I married. Beth: Where are we going? Jerry: One last stop. Beth: Where's the helicopter? Jerry: There is no helicopter and there is no Cervine Institute. Beth: But the top deer surgeon... Jerry: I'm looking at her. Thanks for F.D.'ing me up like that. Beth: I need five minutes. Beth: Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had. Jerry: Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery. Morty: Yes, oh, yes, yes! Summer: Woohoo! Whoo! Whoo! Morty: Oh, that was a close call. Oh yeah, do it Rick, do it right. Rick: You know what I'm talking about, oh yeah. I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Morty. Check me out I'm doing the cabbage patch dance. It's a classic dance, remember, like this. Oh shit look at that. Morty: Do the cabbage patch. Do-do-do the dance. Summer: Hey wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here? Morty: I don't know. I think like one sixty-fourth of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have sixty-three other memories of everything. Rick: Yeah. Morty: But I feel like one of the sixty-four Ricks like, sacrificed himself for me, maybe, I think. Rick: Shut up, Morty. The last time you felt something, we all almost died. You little s-piece of shit. Beth: Hey guys, we're home.Morty & Summer Jerry: Um, hold the phone, where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three, am I right? Jerry: Are you guys Power Rangers? But only on one small part of your necks? Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Clean up in the fruit isle! Not in a homophobic way though, they're just fruity necklaces is all I was saying. Beth: I'm gonna pee my pants. Morty: Doesn't feel so good, does it? Rick: No it doesn't. It hurts. Beth: I'm gonna pee-hee-hee. Jerry: Somebody call the planet of Tron, we have three Tron people over here. But seriously, are these Halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles? With green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the 90's? What is this, a 90's nostalgia thing? Are you guys in that movie "The Craft" with Fairuza Balk? Testicle Monster A: Hey man, when the hell were you? Testicle Monster A: I told you past the dinosaurs. Testicle Monster A: Come on, man, it's this way... Testicle Monster A: There he is, there he is, there he is, there he is, stop, stop. Testicle Monster A: Yeah, that's him. Hey, man, remember me? I got something for your ass! You don't mess with time! You don't fuck with time, motherfucker!

Jerry: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% of it above the milk. Beth: Jerry, get a job. Rick: Uh, w-why don't you get it Jerry? you're the man of the house and you don't have a job. Summer: Gross, what is that thing? Rick: Ughhhh... belchflies towards front doorTurning back around and re-entering dining roomScoffsHovers over Jerry and fully shoves him into underside before flying away through open front door and into skyRuns to front doorFollow BethLooking into skyStill eating cerealUnscrewing and drinking from scotch flaskMorty waveskissing Beth's handHolding a suit in a dry cleaning bag* Your language has 'squanch,' in it a lot. Doesn't that become tedious and worn out like the Smurf thing? Rick: Beth, Squanchy culture is more... contextual than literal. You just say what's in your squanch and people understand. Beth: Oh, okay... I squanch my family. Beth: What? I do, I squanch my family.

Rick: Oh boy. Time to go, Morty. Morty: Uhh, where? Rick: The Pentagon. I mean, not THE Pentagon. The lame one, here on Earth. Summer: Is it God? If it's God, do we get out of school? Beth: It's not God, Summer. Jerry: She's allowed to think it's God if she wants, honey! Beth: Shut up, Jerry. Jerry: Ok... Beth: Dad, what do you know about this? Rick: Morty and I are going to look into it. You guys hold tight. Mr. Goldenfold: Scary stuff, huh? Pretty freaky. Hi, I'm Morty's math teacher. I'm also part of the street team inviting folks to the church downtown so we can pray together. Beth: How is praying going to help? Mr. Goldenfold: Ma'am, a giant head in the sky is controlling the weather. Did you wanna play checkers? Let's be rational! I'll see you at God's house! President: Gentlemen, gentlemen, one at a time! Simon? Nathan: Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of KABOOM-BOOM! And I say we show it right up this floating head's ass! Rick: Stay back! This watch turns people into snakes! President: Stand down. Everybody stand down! I'm the leader of these people and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. Rick: My name is Rick Sanchez. This here's my grandson Morty. Morty: Hey. Rick: I've seen enough of the galaxy to know that what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Cygnus-5 Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got a hit song. Rick: No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly-written, catchy, original song. The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved lifeforms. President: All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people. Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? Rick: You're gonna wanna put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. Nathan: How do you know about that? President: For God's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google Maps. President: What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them? President: Dear God. Rick: Good luck, Mr. President. President: Sanchez! Are you a musician? Rick: I dabble, Mr. President. President: Get this man and his grandson on a Blackhawk to Area 51. Principal Vagina: Hi, Principal Vagina. The name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch. The old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true god, the giant head in the sky. Principal Vagina: Ah, di di di di. Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that... what have you done for me lately? So if you wanna excuse me, I'm going out on the sidewalk and dropping to my knees and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather! Outta my way! Mr. Goldenfold: Ohhhh, this is my favorite part! Morty: Rick, are you really a musician? Rick: Who's NOT a musician, Morty? Morty: Me! Rick: Yeah, not with that attitude. Morty: B-b-but we don't have a song! Principal Vagina: Giant head in the sky, please forgive all that we've done. We're sorry for increased levels of emissions and our racism. And of course, the amber alerts I keep ignoring on my phone. Rick: All right, Morty, let's get ready to do it! Why don't you, uh, find a button on one of those keyboards and lay down some kind of beat? Morty: Rick, I think we need to cut our losses. We get our family and portal out of here! Rick: Morty! Good music comes from people who are relaxed. Just hit a button, Morty! Gimme a beat! Morty: Oh man, ok, all right, um... Rick: Ahhhhh yeahhhhh Ya gotta get schwifty Ya gotta get schwifty in here It's time to get schwifty Nathan: Get... schwifty? What the hell is that? President: It's our world's best effort, that's what. Rick: Take off your pants and your panties Shit on the floor Time to get schwifty in here I'm Mr. Bulldops Nathan: Mr. Bulldops? President: Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! Rick: Take a shit on the floor Time to get schwifty in here Summer: Listen! The storm is stopping! Rick: Hey, take your pants off It's schwifty time today Principal Vagina: Please be kind to us for we are but tiny things with entire bodies stuck to your ground. Beth: Now hold on a second, let's be rational about this. Beth: No, I'm... I'm just saying, we don't know if there's a cause-effect relationship - Beth: Oh, God, what's going on now? President: What the hell happened? Rick: I think planet Earth has just been transported. Principal Vagina: The head has left and sent its children! Beth: Holy CRAP! Summer: Oh dear giant head, we apologize for that discussion! It will never happen again! Cromulon: WE ASKED THEM TO SHOW US WHAT THEY GOT. AND THEY DID. NOW WE'LL SEE WHICH OF THEM HAS GOT THE MOST. 24 HOURS, FIVE PLANETS, FIVE SONGS. BUT IN THE END, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE. PLANET MUSIC! All participation is involuntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ray. Rick: Uhh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead. Cromulon: Welcome back to Planet Music! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops. The Greebybobes! SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT. Cromulon: DISQUALIFIED! Cromulon: There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arbolez Meterosos. Arbolian Meterososians. SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT. Morty: Like we're not already under enough pressure! Rick: Geez, Morty. The guy's just doing his job. Take it easy. Morty: Rick, Ice-T, could you guys take it less easy?! We've got six hours to come up with a song! Rick: Genius happens in the moment, Morty. Morty: Well, can we at least go get our family? You know, so we can take them with-with-with us if we lose? Rick: That's planning for failure, Morty. Even dumber than regular planning. Balls. Rick: Morty, Morty, stop! Listen! There's only so much charge left in this thing. If we portal home from here and back, we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off-world. Get it? Morty: What?! Rick: Yeah, you see, I try to shelter you from certain realities, Morty. Cause if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Morty: Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Rick: Hey, Morty! Could you lick my... Morty: Rick, cut it out! That's not funny, Rick! Nathan: I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. President: And what's your plan, General? Nathan: We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a nuclear missile at every one of those heads in the sky. President: Our planet's held captive on a live game show and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Morty. "Get Schwifty" was a jam. Principal Vagina: Hello? Yes sir, yeah. Thank you sir, thank you. He says he's proud of what we're doing and hopes we have a great Ascension Festival! Happy Ascension! Beth: We should pack up and leave town now. Jerry: I think it's inspiring that our community is coping with fear in a way that involves a festival and homemade ice cream. If you'd stop being such an evangelical atheist, you might start enjoying yourself. Jerry: Whoa! Look at you! You're wearing the hat and everything! Summer: Here's yours! Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight? Beth: Yeah, sure. Wait, what?? Summer: I love you guys. You gave me life. And it's the will of the many heads that all children honor their parents. Beth: Dinner sounds nice. Summer: Father, can we please go to the Ascension? Jerry: Sure! Let's go to the Ascension. Wh-wh-what is it? Principal Vagina: We hereby send these un-wantables skyward that they might be inhaled by the many heads, later to be sneezed back to us as better babies! Headward, free now to rise. Headward, free now to rise. Headward, free now to rise. Summer: Oh yes, yes! Rise to the giant head! You are free to be free! Ice-T: A squeegee comes up from the garage, right? And he's got a lobster in one hand and movie tickets in the other. He's like, "I'm ready!" Ice-T: Who would take a lobster to see Iron Man 3? Ice-T: Aw, damn. We're out of original flavor Fig Newtons. I should get going anyway. Rick: Wait, wait, wait! Come on, h-hold on a second! Morty: What?! Ice-T: Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. Morty: That's it! Rick: Whoa, whoa! Morty! Give me that! Morty: You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Rick: Morty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. Morty: I'm going to go find Mom and Dad. Rick: Nooooo! Rick: Ahhhh, shit! President: Ah, shit. Morty: Ahhh, shit. Summer: And then Ethan played guitar and we learned the Seven Contemplations of the Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the head! Jerry: Yeah. Principal Vagina: Hi folks, Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It's 6 p.m., so if you're a parent, you're now entitled to adoration from your children. Summer: I'm going to start dinner! Beth: I don't know what to say. Summer is doing really well here. Jerry: She's aced every test in potato class, and look how important potatoes have become. Beth: She's not getting pregnant or doing drugs or missing curfew... Beth: That's not our business as long as Summer is thriving! Summer: Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the head desires. Beth: That's wonderful, Summer! Jerry: We're so proud of you. But honestly, you don't have to make dinner every night. Summer: Of course I do, silly! Oh my God, daddy, I'm sorry I called you silly! I'm so sorry! Heavenly head and cranial creator! Forgive my transgressions against family and community! May my chores complete me as I complete them! Birdperson: Morty. Morty: Birdperson? Birdperson: You appear to be dying. I will make efforts to prevent this, but can promise nothing. Rick: Wh-What do you think, Ice? Probably a little over-developed. Ice-T: Shit. Over-developed, under-developed. Bad songs are bad songs. Rick: Well, do you think maybe, could you give me some help with it, or... ? Ice-T: Ah, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm sayin'? Rick: Ice, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything, but if Morty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, kind of your problem too. Ice-T: Pfff. I ain't worried about no Earth blowin' up, man. Rick: What? Why not? Ice-T: Yo, this is why. Rick: What the fuck? You can turn into ice? Ice-T: My story begins at the dawn of time in the far away realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of the many stops on my lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up! Cause I'll just be ice, floatin' through space, like a comet! Rick: Take it from me, Ice. You can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Ice-T: Pshhhh. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. President: Ok, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to "get schwifty." Nathan: Oh, for God's sake, that's enough. President: What the hell are you doing, Nathan? I'm the goddamn President of the United fuckin' States! Nathan: I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President, I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun! President: Wait, wait, wait, why-why - Birdperson: I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. Morty: But can you help me get to my family? You know, at my house? Birdperson: Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? In bird culture, this is considered a dick move. Morty: All of Rick's moves are dick moves! Wh-what am I eating? What is this, bird seed? Birdperson: It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. Birdperson: Don't be gross, Tammy. Morty: Tammy... gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. Birdperson: And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other. And the reason I'm alive at all. Morty: What's that? Who's that baby? Birdperson: Morty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick? Cromulon: That was Chunky Tunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorp Dorp." Up next, planet Earth! Morty: Oh God! We're up?!?! Principal Vagina: Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world. Beth: The world? Principal Vagina: Headism is a hit. We're taking it worldwide and would like Jerry to be our church's "Head" of Advertising. Jerry: You... would? Principal Vagina: Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon, straight past human surgeon, to "Head" of Medicine. Beth: That's my dream! That's my dream. Jerry: Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, but, uh... we can't. Beth: Absolutely not. Principal Vagina: I'm sorry? Beth: We've been waiting 16 years for our daughter to respect us, but the key is, it has to be "our" daughter, not this person she's become. Jerry: We'll take our chances raising her without fancy new jobs outside of a potato-based religion. And you know what? I'm sick of pretending that we're together because of the kids in the first place! I married you because you're the love of my life! Beth: And I'm lucky to have you and I never tell you that! You know, we will come out of this stronger as a family! Beth: Please don't do this, please don't do this! Summer! Jerry: Summer, listen carefully. I stole a paper clip and I have it in my cheek but I don't know what to do with it and it hurts. Summer: You're going to be ok! You will come back as babies! Jerry: I AM a baby! I'm a baby NOW! Morty: Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! President: This is Bluebird. Code tango-niner-alpha. Abort launch. Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Morty: Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get schwifty! President: It won't matter how schwifty you get, Morty. The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song! Morty: Oh my God! C-c-can you fly a Blackhawk? President: Can the Pope's dick fit through a donut? Morty: Uhhh, I'm not sure? President: Exactly! Cromulon: SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT. Rick: Ahem. Uhhh... lop-oo-lop-oo-lop-oo-dups, nop-oo-nop-oo-nop-oo-nuts. Principal Vagina: Headward free now to rise! Mr. Goldenfold: Hey! Look at the heads! Looks like the heads are gettin' angry! President: I'm really bad at this, Morty! There are way too many buttons on this thing! Morty: Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today, it's that sometimes, you have to not give a fuck! Rick: Nup-oo-nup-oo-nup-oo-nups... ooh, tough crowd. Principal Vagina: I'm sure that has... that has nothing to do with this. Summer: The heads are displeased! Rick: Morty! Mr. Goldenfold: The heads love this! They love it when we DON'T kill the Smith family! Principal Vagina: No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will of the heads! President: Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President. Stop the nuclear missile launch! Nathan: Just launch the missiles! Cromulon: BOO! NOT COOL! Principal Vagina: I'm the only one that speaks to the heads! Cromulon: DISQUALIFIED! Mr. Goldenfold: The heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Cromulon: DISQUALIFIED! DISQUALIFIED! Ice-T: That's right, it's me, Ice-T! I care now! You made me care more! With all due respect, I'd like to hear what Rick and Morty have to play. Morty: What do you say, Rick? Rick: I say... Let's do it! Rick: All right! Morty: Ohhhh yeahhhh! Rick: Come on, here we go! Morty: Ohhhh yeahhhh! Rick: Say it with me! Principal Vagina: Ohhh my GOOOOODDDD!!! Cromulon: After 988 seasons of Planet Music, the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion. Goodbye! Mr. Goldenfold: Did he just say "musical reality show"? Jerry: Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all. Principal Vagina: HEEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!! Beth: We should go get him. President: I hope I can call on you again if we need you, Morty. Morty: Sure thing! And I was kinda hoping that I could get a selfie with you? President: Actually, if you try to tell anyone what happened here, we'll deny it and probably worse. Morty: Understood. Nathan: DIIIIEEEE!!!! President: Why didn't he turn into a snake? Rick: Trade secret, Mr. President. Particle beam in a wristwatch... snake holster on the leg. President: I love this man! Ice-T: Magnesium-J, Hydrogen-F. Father. Ice-T: I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium.

Rick: Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine.You hear me Jerry? You're gonna be fine! Morty: Woahh! Rick: ooo... Watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Beth: Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? Rick: I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically the second freezer drawer is mine. Beth: Not anymore. Rick: You're overreacting! Rick: Alright fine, but you're not touching my CRISPR. Summer: Is he going to die? Rick: What? Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the galaxy. It's like those pizza places that claim to have the best pizza in the world. What- Do you think they have pizza contests? Have you ever been to a pizza contest? Beth: Go in the waiting room, Dad. Rick: Fine! Excuse me. Coming through. What are you here for- Just kidding, I don't care. Well this won't do. Rick: A sequel. Rick: Yeah me neither, we pretty much nailed it the first time. Announcer: Eye-holes! Get them today! IKEA. Rick: You gotta be careful Morty, if that guy catches you with a box of his eye-holes he comes bursting in through a window and just starts kicking the shit outta you. But it's worth the risk, they melt in your mouth Morty! They're delicious. Beth: I can't believe you're explaining alien cereal, we're worried about Jerry. Rick: Well you're thirty-nine years too late, or however old he is. Is he fifty? Oh man, Beth is, is Jerry fifity!? Jerry: Where am I? Alien Doctor: Relax Mr. Smith, you're in an alien hospital. I mean to you it's an alien hospital, to me you're just in a hospital. There's another matter we need to discuss with you. Jerry: My goodness. Jerry: I see-WAIT! What? Alien Doctor: It's perfect! The configuration of veins, the ratio of thickness to elasticity, the delicate asymmetry of what you call "your balls". With relatively few adjustments, your genitals can be molded into a working heart for the most important man in the universe! Jerry: Yeah, but, I mean- Jerry: Alright! That's enough. You're talking about my species! We understand genocide, we do it sometimes! Jerry: Yes I will! That's right, assholes, take my penis, TAKE IT ALL! And tell Shrimply Pimples that when the galaxy came calling Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch! Rick: Hey, what's wrong Morty? Oh, you're worried about your dad, huh? Morty: Huh? Uh, no no no, I'm-I'm just looking at that lady getting coffee. What's up with her face? Is she a human or is she like Worf. You know Worf, from Star Trek, where he has the shit all over his face but he's just a human in a costume, you know? Rick: Morty let's-let's see what else is on. Morty: Okay. Morty: Whoa! Look! It's that lady with all that shit on her face like Worf from Star Trek! That was getting coffee! How did she get there! Rick: Oh, man Morty. How DID she get there? Beth: Is that something we should be concerned about? Rick: Just stay away from the coffee machine. Announcer: In a world, where there are eight Jan-Michael Vincent's. Announcer: And sixteen quadrants. There's only enough time for a Jan-Michael Vincent to make it to a quadrant. He can't be in two quadrants at once. Morty: Rick, who-who is Jan-Michael Vincent? Rick: Oh man, I'm trying to remember Morty. Announcer: Jan-Michael Vincent's are used up. Morty: Is it important that we know who Jan-Michael Vincent is in order to get this? Rick: Nope. Announcer: This January, It's time to Mike down your Vincent's. Jan Quadrant Vincent 16. Rick: That's Jan-Michaels. Morty: Excuse me, nurse, can you take my temperature? Because I think I have Jan Quadrant Vincent fever over here. Rick: All right, Morty you've done it! Alien Doctor: So, we'll be detaching your sexual organ at the base by making incisions here,here, and here. Jerry: Got it. Alien Doctor: Leaving a partial length of severed urethra to be threaded through- Jerry: Oh, you know what, I gotta laugh at myself here! I'm having a little laugh at myself because I just realized I haven't run this whole decision past my wife. Alien Doctor: Oh, do you think she'll be okay with this? Jerry: Oh, absolutely. Beth is automatically on board, always, with every decision I make. Alien Doctor: Smith family? Beth: Yes? Alien Doctor: I wanted to let you all know that Jerry is doing just fine. Alien Doctor: But, ah, Mrs. Smith, could you come with me? Jerry: Hi, honey, so, here's the thing-these guys-they want to completely remove my penis and use it as an alien's heart, and we just need you to sign off on it. Beth: WHAT!?! Jerry: Uh-oh, maybe we have a problem here after all guys. Yikes. Alien Doctor: His penis will be replaced with a sophisticated prosthetic, now there's a wide range of options to chose from, they're all in this catalog. Beth: I don't care about prosthetics, this is insane! What do you people think you're doing? Alien Doctor: I understand your feelings, Mrs. Smith. Beth: Oh, I don't think you do. I bring my husband in for emergency medical treatment, he's gone an hour, and now you want his PENIS, and you hand me some... catalog. It's-It's-It's-It's, I mean. Jerry: Sheesh, well, there you go. Sorry. I know it's hard to understand but on Earth, love comes first. Alien Doctor: There are those that believe, Mr. Smith, that Shrimply Pibbles represents love between all life. That his fate will determine the fate of hundreds of billions of sentient life forms. Beth: Woah! Woah. So, billions of life forms? Alien Doctor: Hundreds of billions. Beth: I mean, Jerry, y-you didn't explain the full gravity of the situation. Jerry: Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision should be based on politics. Who could argue with a wife's decision to keep her LOVER INTACT. Beth: Well I don't think that's fair at all, Jerry. At all. In fact, I think this whole paradigm has sexist overtones. Jerry: Beth, can we talk about this privately? Beth: You know, I think, the bottom line is, Jerry, if you want to keep your penis, you should say, out loud, "I prefer to keep my penis." Jerry: But, Beth, what kind of man would say something like that if the universe needed his penis!?! Beth: Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be if I did anything to stand in your way?

Rick: Anyway, that's how I escaped from space prison! Oh, scary place. Morty: Wow, Rick! That's - That's one - one heck of a story. I sure do wish I could have been there to see it happen. Rick: Oh, come on. Who wants to watch a mad scientist use handmade sci-fi tools to take out highly trained alien guards when we can sit here and be a family at Shoney's? Beth: Dad, it's great to have you back, no matter where we are, but wouldn't you like to go home? Rick: Emotionally speaking, honey, Shoney's is my home. Jerry: Yeah, but you just got out of prison. I mean, how much of a step up from that is - Rick: Jerry, get out of the booth, take all your clothes off, and fold yourself 12 times. Jerry: You got it. Rick: Six folds, huh? W-W-What, have you guys got me in a Series 9000? You cheap insect fucks didn't think I was worth your best equipment? Cornvelious Daniel: Man, I told the money bugs. I said, "You know who this guy is, right? You want me to get intel out of the smartest mammal in the galaxy, you better give me a decent brainalyzer. Rick: Well, you might as well order some pancakes, because I don't see the need to leave this part of my brain. Cornvelious Daniel: Oh, I think you do. Eventually, you're either gonna relax your cerebellum. Rick: Shoney's. Cornvelious Daniel: Or the Series 9000 is going to turn it into mush. Rick: Relaxed enough? Cornvelious Daniel: I admire you, Rick- Cornvelious Daniel: When I- Cornvelious Daniel: Rick, here's- Jerry: I tell ya, the Galactic Federation taking over Earth - best thing that's ever happened to this family. I just got my sixth promotion this week, and I still don't know what I do. Summer: Who cares how high they promote you? Everyone just gets paid in pills. Jerry: Well, when you're not sure what you do for a living, you can make your own rules. Beth: Summer, show your father some respect. He's pulling down a six-chewable figure income. Morty: I kind of had big pills for lunch, and I wasn't gonna eat any more pills. Thank you, Conroy. Jerry: You spoil us, Conroy. Summer: Grandpa Rick wouldn't put up with this! Beth: Stop saying his name! He abandoned us. Jerry: Willem Dafoe! Th-That's the guy I couldn't think of this morning. Beth: Don't make my mistake, Summer. Don't deify the people that leave you. You'll end up a horse surgeon in a world controlled by aliens whose medicine keeps horses healthy forever. Horses live longer than tortoises now. Is that what you want for yourself? Summer: Maybe I just want you to care if I run away yelling! Jerry: Ooh! Rick: Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered interdimensional travel? Rick: ' Ooh, your little flappy doodles are twitching. Does that mean you're aroused, or did you just get a signal that one of your buddies found a grape? Cornvelious Daniel: It's arousal. Yes, I'd like very much to visit the memory of you inventing your portal gun. Rick: Yeah, well, tough titties. Rick: Well, that depends on who breaks first - me or the titty. Cornvelious Daniel: Someone special you remember? Is that your memory of her out there - between where you were on 9/11 and your favorite sports blooper? Cornvelious Daniel: If we stay here, you'll die, along with all your memories. If you take me where I want to go she'll be there, too, won't she? Rick: The day I invented the portal gun is the day I lost her. Cornvelious Daniel: Oh, that sounds cool. I can get what I want and you can say goodbye. Rick: Fine, but I'm driving. Morty: Huh? What are you - What are you doing? Summer: Grandpa Rick must have some secret lab, right? With, like, laser guns and jets packs and a space tank! And we can go break him out of prison! Look at these dead flies! Maybe if we arrange them in a certain order, it plays a hologram or it opens a secret door. Morty: Summer, you're freaking me out. I know things have changed a lot, and I know you miss Rick, but getting him back wouldn't make things better. And, you know, we're not doing so bad. Summer: We're miserable, Morty! There's a mandatory curfew, their weird calendar made me 47, and they weaponized the Eiffel Tower! Morty: Hey, I like being 35. I-I can rent a car now. Summer: Because you suck! You've been keeping your lip zipped about it since Grandpa got arrested, but the fact is, you're freaking stoked to bail on him. Morty: He bails on everybody! He bailed on Mom when she was a kid! He - He bailed on tiny planet! And in case I never made this clear to you, Summer, he bailed on you. He left you to rot in a world that he ruined because he doesn't care! Because nobody's special to him, Summer, not even himself. So, if you really want your grandpa back, grab a shovel. The one that won't let you down is buried in your backyard! Summer: You're right! Morty: What?! No, I'm not right. I-I was using ghoulish overkill! Ghoulish overkill, Summer! Morty: Oh, God! Oh, God! Whoa, whoa! Cornvelious Daniel: Where are we going? Rick: To the day it all began and ended. The moment that changed everything. Rick: Yeah, I'd like to get a 10-piece McNugget and a bunch of the Szechuan sauce. Like, as much as you're allowed to give me. In 1998, they had this promotion for the Disney film "Mulan," where they - where they - they created a new sauce for the McNuggets called Szechuan sauce, and it's delicious! And then they got rid of it, and now it's gone. This is the only place we're gonna be able to try it, is in my memory. Cornvelious Daniel: Rick, you're doing this bit while your brain is melting. Rick: Okay. All right, all right. Cornvelious Daniel: Is that- Rick: Me. I used to wear blue pants. Cornvelious Daniel: When'd you make the leap to interdimensional travel? Rick: I didn't. I did. Young Rick: What? Morty: Summer, nobody has to know about that. We could put it right back and pretend we never saw it, like we did with Dad's mannequin leg. Summer: Fine, stay here. I'll rescue Grandpa myself. Morty: And how are you gonna do that? Summer: I don't know yet. I'll make it up as I go. That's what Grandpa Rick does. That's what heroes do. Morty: Y-You want to see what a hero Rick is? I-I'll bring you somewhere, Summer. Um- Summer: What is this place? And what's with "Hunger Games" Summer? Morty: That's my sister. This used to be my home. Young Rick: Sounds lonely. Young Rick: Eh, pass. Young Rick: A different kind of Rick, I guess. Young Rick: Sort of. I just took a long look at myself, and I don't think this science thing is gonna pay off. Young Rick: That, Dianne, is the last great idea that will ever be had in this garage. Summer: Good roasted Cronenberg, I assume. Mom, you're looking feral. I can't believe Rick did this. Morty: These are the parts of Rick's adventures you don't get to see - the parts he leaves behind. All right, it's been great, guys. I really only wanted to stop by here for a quick "I told ya so." So, uh- Morty: What are you doing with that?! Morty: No! Why?! Why would you do that?! W-W-What is the matter with you people?! Morty: Hold your fire! Hold your fire! I'm Morty C-137. Summer: He's in prison. Morty: Summer. Summer: He got captured by the Federation and we were going to rescue him. Summer: Boo-yah! Summer: Boo-nah? Young Rick: Come on, girls! The ice cream's gonna melt. Young Rick: Nooooooo! Cornvelious Daniel: Wow. This sauce is fucking amazing. You said it was promoting a movie? Young Rick: Carry the three, add a two. I got it. I fucking got it. Cornvelious Daniel: Whoa. I-Is that it, the portal gun? Rick: Yeah. That's the three lines of math that separates my life as a man from my life as an unfeeling ghost. Cornvelious Daniel: Awesome-possum. Mission Control, you getting this? Cornvelious Daniel: Yeah! Thanks, Rick. I'll try to remember to shut off the brainalyzer. Actually, I think it shuts off automatically once your brain is liquid. Don't know, don't care. Pull me out. Hey, pull me out! Can you hear me? Rick: Nope, they cannot. Cornvelious Daniel: Why not? Rick: Because the code you just uploaded wasn't actually my portal-gun formula, it was a virus giving me full control over the brainalyzer. Cornvelious Daniel: What are you talking about? This is a memory. Y-You can't alter details of a memory. Rick: True, but you can alter anything you want about a totally fabricated origin story. Cornvelious Daniel: It's a trap! Abort! I'm still in his Shoney's! Repeat - we never left his Shoney's! Rick: Mission accomplished, boys. Pull me out. Rick: Okay, have fun in what's left of my brain. I'm gonna transfer to yours. Oh, there's not enough room for all my genius, so I'm leaving you with my fear of wicker furniture, my desire to play the trumpet, my tentative plans to purchase a hat, and six years of improv workshops. Comedy comes in threes. Cornvelious Daniel: It's a trap! Abort! We never left his - No! Summer: A city of Grandpas? Morty: It's the Citadel of Ricks. All the different Ricks from all the different realities got together to hide here from the government. Summer: But if every Rick hates the government, why would they hate Grandpa? Morty: Because Ricks hate themselves the most. And our Rick is the most himself. Riq IV: Operating an unregistered portal gun, radicalizing a Summer, conspiring with a traitorous Rick. How do you plead? Morty: How is this a fair trial? O-Our lawyer is a Morty. Riq IV: It's not fair, you have no rights, and he's not a lawyer. We just keep him here because he's fun. Look at him go. Riq IV: We'll be lenient if you renounce your Rick. What say you, Summer? Summer: I say fuck you! My grandpa was my hero. You killed him because you were jealous of him. That's pretty obvious from the haircuts. So do what you want to me, but let my brother go. He already renounced Rick. Riq IV: Morty? Morty: What? N-No, I don't want to see your Pog collection. I don't renounce Rick, and I never have. I was just trying to protect my sister. I wanted you to have a normal life. That's something you can't have when Rick shows up. Everything real turns fake. Everything right is wrong. All you know is that you know nothing and he knows everything. And, well - well, he's not a villain, Summer, but he shouldn't be your hero. He's more like a demon or a super fucked up god. Riq IV: Let's not suck the ghost of his dick too hard. He was a terrorist, and now he's dead. Morty: Oh, yeah? If you think my Rick's dead, he's alive. And if you think you're safe, he's coming for you! Riq IV: All right, calm down! We have his Summer as a hostage. Obviously, I get her. You guys play Rick, Laser, Scissors for the Morty. Summer: Grandpa Rick! Rick: Duh! Summer: You're alive! Morty: Rick! Rick: Morty, take this. You're gonna need it later. Riq IV: That's enough, Rick. Rick: What - What's this supposed to accomplish? We have infinite grandkids. You're trying to use Disney bucks at a Caesar's Palace here. Summer: That's a bluff. He's bluffing, sir. He loves me. Riq IV: You're a rogue Rick - irrational, passionate. You love your grandkids. You came to rescue them. Rick: I came to kill you, bro. That's not even my original Summer. Summer: Oh, my God. He's not bluffing. He's not bluffing! Morty: R-Rick? Riq IV: Why not shoot through her? Rick: 20 yards, nine-gauge plasma pistol, My first shot would liquify her insides and injure you, second shot adds recoil. The risk to me is minimized if I wait for you to shoot her, which I'm encouraging you to do. Summer: What the fuck? Rick: Or let her go, which I will reward with a quicker death. Riq IV: Because you love her! Rick: Because it's incentive for you to give me my cleanest shot, which will be your least painful death. But if you want to die slower than that, I'm super into it. All you got to do to get that started is kill the girl. Summer: I hate you! Rick: Not an issue, sweetie. Morty: That's enough! Drop the gun, Rick! Rick: Morty, I know you're too stupid to get this, but you're really fuckin' this up right now. Morty: I'm not letting you let my sister die! Drop the gun! Rick: I wasn't gonna let her die, you fuckin' moron! Riq IV: Ha! Summer: Aww. Rick: The point is he thought I was going to. Riq IV: I totally did, by the way. You're a fucking moron, Morty. Summer: Morty, you fucking idiot! Rick: You're a serious fuckin' idiot, Morty! You basically killed us all! You're the worst! You're as dumb as a bag of sand. Morty: Who's stupid now, bitch?! Summer: Morty, we just got him back! Riq IV: That was amazing, Morty. Oh, my God. Wow. Okay, let's wrap this- Rick: Good job, Morty. Let's go, kids. Summer: What?! What happened? Rick: Oldest Rick trick in the book. Summer: "Fake gun, shoot me in standoff." Brilliant. Morty: Ha, yeah. G-Good thing I saw that note. Summer: Can't we just portal home? Rick: Not until I finish what I started. And that is how you get level-nine access without a password. Rick: Employee of the month, ladies and gentlemen. Morty: So, what are you doing with level-nine access anyways? Rick: Destroying the galactic government. Summer: Are you going to set all their nukes to target each other? Morty: Ooh, or - or reprogram their military portals to disintegrate their entire space fleet? Rick: Good pitches, kids. I'm almost proud. But watch closely as Grandpa topples an empire by changing a one to a zero. Mr. Goldenfold: No longer will the insects have domain over surface world! Beth: Jerry, what the hell is happening?! Jerry: The galactic government collapsed. Beth: Are you okay? Jerry: Look, I-I'm not proud to share this, but the truth is, I just kept crawling, and it kept working. Oh, I'm glad you're okay. Are we ever going to stop paying for indulging your father? Our children, our planet, our jobs? Is there anything left to lose? Beth: Just each other, and I'll never let you go. And I'm so sorry I ever did this to us. Rick: Guess who dismantled the government? Beth: Please don't leave me again. Rick: I never will, baby. Summer: I was right. He turned himself in on purpose. It was all part of his plan! Rick: Jerry, is there any light beer left? It's insane what you miss in prison. Jerry: Um..okay. No. No, no, no. Foot down time. Rick: No, you're right. Where's the vodka? Jerry: Beth, it's him or me! Rick: Seems like you guys need some privacy. I'll, uh - I'll be in the garage. Rick: What the fuck? Not cool, Jerry! A man's garage is his castle. Beth: Jerry's going to spend some time divorced. Rick: Oh, I-I'm sorry to hear that, sweetie. I hope I had nothing to do with that. Beth: Oh, God, Dad, that is not your burden to bear. I feel terrible that I misjudged you. This is gonna be good for Jerry. Rick: For everybody. Beth: For everybody. Beth: I better tend to Jerry before he changes his mind and doesn't move out. I will leave you two to your adventures. Summer: Oh, my God. Nancy says they're drawing and quartering aliens in the school courtyard, and it technically counts as patriotism. Morty: Geez! Are my parents seriously gonna get divorced? All right, Rick, I'm gonna go to my - Rick: Not so fast, Morty. You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty - just you and me - and sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but never your dad. You want to know why, Morty? Because he crossed me. Morty: Okay, take it easy, Rick. T-T-That's dark. Rick: Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different - no more Dad, Morty. Morty: Oh, geez. Rick: He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away. Morty: Oh, fuck. Rick: I've replaced them both as the de facto patriarch of your family and your universe. Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home - Morty: Oh, man. Rick: - without you and your sister, so now you know the real reason I rescued you. Oh! I just took over the family, Morty, and if you tell your mom - Morty: Oh, man. Rick: - or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it - Morty: You're gonna deny it. Rick: - and they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty. And now you're gonna have to go - Morty: Oh. Rick: - and do whatever I say, Morty, forever! And I'll - I'll go out and I'll find some more of that "Mulan" Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty. - Morty: What are you talking about? Rick: - Because that's - that's what this is all about, Morty. Morty: Szechuan? Rick: That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty! That was fake. I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce. Morty: McNuggets? Rick: I want that "Mulan" McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty. Morty: What the hell? Rick: If it takes nine seasons, I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan sauce, Morty. Morty: What are you talking about, Rick? Rick: That's what's gonna take us all the way to the end, Morty. Morty: What are you talking about?! Rick: Season - Nine more seasons, Morty. Nine more seasons until I get that dipping Szechuan sauce. Morty: What is that?! Rick: For 97 more years, Morty! Morty: What are you talking about?! Rick: I want that McNugget sauce, Morty! Birdperson: I am Phoenixperson.

Pickle Rick: Morty. Morty: Rick? Pickle Rick: Morty! Morty: Rick? Pickle Rick: Hey, Mooorty! Morty: Rick? Are you far away, or are you inside something? Pickle Rick: Morty, the garage, Morty. Come to the garage! Pickle Rick: Morty? Morty: Rick? W-where are you? Pickle Rick: On my work bench, Morty. Morty: Are you invisible and you're gonna, like, fart on me? Pickle Rick: Flip the pickle over. Morty: What, I'm gonna touch it, and you're gonna tell me it's an alien dick or something. Pickle Rick: Come on, flip the pickle, Morty. You're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge. Morty: And? Pickle Rick: "And"? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle, and 9/11 was an inside job? Morty: Was it? Pickle Rick: Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before Morty: Are you going to, I mean, you know, is this the first part of some magic trick? Pickle Rick: I don't do magic, Morty, I do science. One takes brains, the other takes dark eye liner. Morty: Well, can you move? Can you fly? Pickle Rick: I wouldn't be much of a pickle if I could. Morty: All right, well, do pickles live forever or - Pickle Rick: Morty, stop digging for hidden layers and just be impressed. I'm a pickle. Morty: I-I'm just trying to figure out why you would do this. Why anyone would do this. Pickle Rick: The reason anyone would do this is, if they could, which they can't, would be because they could, which they can't. Beth: Morty, we have to get going, or we're gonna be late. Where's your grandpa? Pickle Rick: Right here, sweetie. I'm a pickle! Beth: What?! Why would you - Look, we're running late. We have to go. Pickle Rick: Where are you guys going? Beth: We have an appointment downtown that was set a week ago and agreed upon by everyone, including you. Pickle Rick: Oh, my God. Beth, oh, it totally slipped my mind. Geez, oh, man. I'm a pickle. I mean, I don't know if I can, ooh, geez. Morty: Rick, did you do this on purpose to get out of family counseling? Beth: Morty! Pickle Rick: It's okay, Beth. I understand Morty's suspicion. I've misled him before. Morty, turn me so we're making eye contact.Morty, I assure you, I would never "find a way" to "get out of" family therapy. I hope my lack of fingers doesn't prevent the perception of my air quotes. Summer: Can't you just turn yourself back into a human? Pickle Rick: Great question, Summer. The unfortunate answer is I did this to challenge myself. And it could take hours or even days before I'm able to figure out how to return to human form. But, I mean, you know, your mom could put me in a purse or a pocket, you know, if she really needs me to go. Beth: Nobody needs anything! Okay, it's fine. I mean, you should just stay here and figure out how to stop being a pickle, okay? Morty: Hey, Rick, why is there a syringe of mysterious fluid hanging directly over you? Also, why is the string attached to it running through a pair of scissors attached to a timer? And why is the time set to 10 minutes from now, exactly when we would have left for therapy? Pickle Rick: Well, Morty, if you know must know, the syringe is completely unrelated to this discussion, and, therefore, it does not warrant further explanation. Beth: Enough. Kids, it's time to go. We don't want to be late. Pickle Rick: W-w-what are you doing there, Beth? What are you doing there, sweetie? Beth: Well, I mean, you don't want to get pierced by a needle full of liquid unrelated to your situation. How's that gonna help? Pickle Rick: Can't argue with that. Beth: Great. We'll see you later. Pickle Rick: Hey, hey, be careful with that. It's for something else. It's really important, so don't break it. Okay, I may have fucked up here. Dup, ap, ap, pap, ut, dah, pap, pap, pap, pah. T-t-tah, tah. Oh, great. Stupid cat. Pickle Rick: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I know what it looks like to you, Izzy, but I'm not a snake! I've seen the YouTube videos, I know cats are scared of cucumbers and pickles because they think they're snakes. I'm not a snake! I'm a pickle, I'm a pickle! Pickle Rick: Whoa! Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Pickle Rick: Oh, crap, that sun is bright. Pickle Rick: Okay, come on. This can't really be the way I go out. This is the mega-genius equivalent of dying on the toilet. Pickle Rick: So... hot. This is how I'm gonna die. Pickle Rick: Oh, God, moisture. Pickle Rick: Oh, God, the moisture! Dial it back, God! Dial it back a little bit here! Pickle Rick: Oh! Oh! Pickle Rick: Oh, God! Perpendicular, perpendicular! Pickle Rick: Oh, shiiit! Oh! Oh! Oh! Pickle Rick: Come on. That's it. Pickle Rick: Come get this delicious brine. Pickle Rick: Aah! Come on! Come on, motherfucker! Come on! Pickle Rick: Yes! Summer: How is this even family therapy if Dad's not invited and Grandpa won't come? Morty: Yeah, and what's courageous about eating a hot dog? Beth: It's nobody's choice to be here, you knobs. The family was told to get counseling by your principal, even though it's not the family that was huffing pottery glaze in the art room and desk wetting in history class. Mr. Goldenfold: Oh, the Smith family, minus a dad. You're patients of Dr. Wong, too? Beth: Temporarily. By order of the school. Mr. Goldenfold: Me too. How long have you all been eating poop? Summer: We... have never... eaten poop. Mr. Goldenfold: Uh, me, neither. Say, where did my family get off to? Dr. Wong: Smith family, I'm Dr. Wong. Come on in. Dr. Wong: I was told there was a grandpa that might be joining us? Beth: He got wrapped up in an experiment. He's a scientist. Like, legit, like on an inter-galactic, sci-fi level. His work is very - Morty: He turned himself into a pickle. Beth: Morty, Mom's talking. I'm sorry, I suppose that's a good segue into our little discipline cases here. Dr. Wong: Does Grandpa turn himself into a pickle a lot? Beth: What? No, what kind of question is that? Dr. Wong: The kind that wasn't designed to attack or hurt you in any way. Beth: Oh, Jesus Christ, one of these. No, my father has never turned himself into a pickle before. He's unpredictable and eccentric. The whole family is. Speaking of which... Dr. Wong: Okay, let's open things up to the whole family, and let me ask this. Why do we think Grandpa turned himself into a pickle? Pickle Rick: Wow. Ugh. Beth: I didn't say my father is perfect, I said his work is important. Summer: And she's saying what's important is that Grandpa lied to you to get out of coming here. Beth: Oh, he did not! Dr. Wong: Let's do an experiment here. I get the impression this family values science. So raise your hand if you feel certain you know what was in the syringe. Beth: Do you really not see what's happening here? Dr. Wong: Tell me. Beth: Well, Dr. Wong - by the way, racist name - obviously, Morty and Summer are seizing on your arbitrary pickle obsession as an end run around what was supposed to be their therapy. Dr. Wong: Oh, I think this pickle incident is a better path than any other to the heart of your family's dysfunction. I think it's possible that you and your father have a very specific dynamic. I don't think it's one that rewards emotion or vulnerability. I think it may punish them. I think it's possible that dynamic eroded your marriage, and is infecting your kids with a tendency to misdirect their feelings. Beth: Fuck you. Beth: Fuck both of you, too. Pickle Rick: By the way, you might notice that in spite of your numerous distinctive features, I never gave you a name like Scar or Stripe or Goliath. That's because, to me, you aren't special. Pickle Rick: God damn it, I love myself. Pickle Rick: Pickle Riiick! Pickle Rick: Get that parkour. Get that parkour! Pickle Rick: Hey, it's cool. Just need to find the nearest exit. Pickle Rick: Whoa, whoa, whoa! No need to freak out. Pickle Rick: Whoa! Who in the fuck's toilet is this? Agency Director: What is it? Agency Director: Where is it? Agency Director: We have 34 armed guards, and we can't kill a pickle? Agency Director: Put him on, and locate the phone he's using. Pickle Rick: Hi, um, can you, uh please let me out. Agency Director: Your mere presence in this building violates international law. Pickle Rick: You should know those men killed themselves. Agency Director: And how is that? Pickle Rick: They didn't let me out. Agency Director: Shut your mouth and do your jobs, you fucking children! Pickle Rick: Uh, is this not a good time or...? Agency Director: Some of my men are calling you "Solen'ya" Pickle Rick: That'd be a lucky break for you. Agency Director: Ah. Pickle Rick: ...because this pickle doesn't care about your children. And I'm not gonna take their dreams. I'm gonna take their parents. Agency Director: He's just a pickle! Agency Director: He's not the only one. Agency Director: Then Katarina is a prisoner. Perhaps I could arrange her escape, as well. She lives, Jaguar. Dr. Wong: What do you think is in the syringe, Beth? Beth: You're the one that costs $200 an hour. You tell me. Dr. Wong: Your kids think it might be anti-pickle serum. Beth: My kids pee their desks and suck on unbaked vases. Summer: I never said I was angry at you. Beth: That's the point of pottery-enamel huffing, Summer. You do it so you don't have to say "I'm angry at mommy" out loud. Morty: Oh, my God! Dr. Wong: It's not my job to take sides or pass judgment. Do you think when your father asks for that syringe, you could ask him - Beth: He won't have to ask for it, okay? He won't need it. He'll just make more. He doesn't need anything from anyone. Dr. Wong: You admire him for that. Beth: It's better than making your problems other people's problems. Pickle Rick: Oh, come on! Pickle Rick: You should know that isn't original. Pickle Rick: There's nothing I won't do to see her again. Pickle Rick: Yeah, there's lots I wouldn't do to see my daughter, but killing you gets me to her quicker than your derivative bullshit. Pickle Rick: That will be your downfall, Jaguar, not being open to new experiences. Pickle Rick: Jaguar couldn't make it. Agency Director: Do it. Okay, you win, Pickle Man. I'm unsealing the building. Pickle Rick: No, thanks. I'm coming for you now. Agency Director: Pickle Man, there's $100 million worth of bonds in a safe on level two. I'll give you the combination. Agency Director: Shut up and call me a helicopter, you prick! Do we have a deal?! Pickle Rick: Take that money, give it to Jaguar's daughter when you set her free. Or I'll be visiting you. Agency Director: Jaguar's daughter is dead. Pickle Rick: Huh, so you're a liar. Agency Director: Jaguar was an animal. You're an intelligent pickle. We can do business. Pickle Rick: I don't think so. See you soon. Agency Director: Is the helicopter here? Agency Director: Tell them we were robbed. Agency Director: Farewell, Solen'ya. Pickle Rick: Well, my daughter is about five away, and I've got about eight to live. Pickle Rick: Oh, well, uh, she knows. I mean, we don't really buy into that kind of crap, to the extent that love is an expression of familiarity over time, my access to infinite timelines precludes the necessity of attachment. In fact, I even abandoned one of my infinite daughters in an alternate version of earth that was taken over by mutants. Pickle Rick: Huh? Uh, no. No, nope, sorry about that. Nope, just me. Yeesh! Beth: I am afraid that my kids will get expelled. Dr. Wong: Good. Summer, you go. Summer: I am mad that I can't huff enamel without people assuming it's because my family sucks. I hope to be seen one day as someone that just likes getting high. Dr. Wong: Good job. Morty, do you have an "I" statement? Morty: I am sad that I peed. I'm sad that I peed in class instead of a toilet. Dr. Wong: Look at this family go. You guys are pros. What do you guys think about doing this once a week? Pickle Rick: Ugh. Dr. Wong: You must be Rick. Pickle Rick: Mm-hmm. Dr. Wong: I've heard a lot about you today. Your family is crazy about you. Your daughter holds you in very high regard. You're a lucky fella. Pickle Rick: Yeah, thank you. Uh, sweetie, you don't still happen to have that syringe in your purse? Beth: Dad I would like you to tell me what's in the syringe. Pickle Rick: It's a serum that I need to, uh, to stay alive. I have had a rough day. And, uh, I've sustained a lot of damage. I'm pretty close to death, which the serum will prevent. Dr. Wong: By changing you from a pickle to a human. Pickle Rick: Yes. Dr. Wong: Rick, why did you lie to your daughter? Pickle Rick: So I wouldn't have to come here. Dr. Wong: Why didn't you want to come here? Pickle Rick: Because I don't respect therapy, because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy for a living, and when I don't like something about the world, I change it. And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall to listen to some agent of averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind we value in the animals we eat, but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow. I'm a pickle. When I feel like it. So...you asked. Dr. Wong: Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse. And I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's your mind within your control. You chose to come here, you chose to talk -to belittle my vocation- just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe, and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces. Your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some pee well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose. Pickle Rick: I, um I'm sorry I lied to get out of the thing. I, I shouldn't lie to you. Beth: Oh, it's fine. I mean, thank you, and, yeah, you shouldn't. But I hope you know that's not what that session was supposed to be. Pickle Rick: Oh, no, I mean, I know it was Morty peeing his pants and Summer snorting glue or whatever... Beth: She huffed enamel, and we never even talked about it. Pickle Rick: Well, there was so much more at stake. I mean, that shrink, what a monologuist. Summer: Are we gonna go back? Pickle Rick: Sweetie, could I get Get that syringe now? Beth: Oh, my God, yes! Dad, it's in my purse. Oh, I'm sorry. You must be in agony. Pickle Rick: Eh. Pickle Rick: Jesus. Jesus Christ. Therapists, man. Beth: Weird breed. Rick: Man, I missed having hands and blood and a stomach. Beth: Really? Like, go somewhere? Yeah, let's drop the kids off and go tie one on. Rick: Absolutely. Morty: I, I liked her. Beth: So what are you thinking, like, Smokey's Tavern? Maybe Shoney's? Rick: Yeah, either one. Either one. Rick: You'll never get away with this, Concerto. Rick: This is it, Morty. We're goners. We're not getting out of this one. After everything we've been through, this is how we're gonna die. Make peace with your god. Morty: Oh, geez, Rick, I-I-I don't want to die! Rick: Jaguar! Morty: Who? Who was that, Rick? Rick: That, Morty, is why you don't go to therapy.

Rick: Don't let any of those things get away, Morty. If their DNA gets into Earth's food chain, our entire species could be sterilized. Morty: Then why aren't we killing them?! Rick: Great. Next time I need a species sterilized, who's gonna do it for me? You? Morty: Oh, Rick! I-Is that the Vindibeacon? We're being called to assemble by the Vindicators! Rick: I refuse to answer a literal call to adventure, Morty. Let it go to voicemail! Morty: Rick, the Vindicators only call when the universe itself is at stake! They're first line of defense against evil! They're the guardians of the unguarded! Rick: They're the writers of their own press releases, Morty! They're a bunch of drama queens that spend an hour talking and twenty minutes jumping around while shit blows up. They're a phase. We did one, it was the big event of that summer. Let it die. Morty: I, Morty Smith, invoke my right to choose one in every ten Rick and Morty adventures. Read 'em and weep. Rick: God... fuckin' dammit! Fine! But don't say I didn't warn you. Morty: Yes! Vindicator command ship, beacon received! We're doing Vindicators Twoooooooooo! Rick: Whoops! Uh, Morty, you might want to freeze some sperm. Supernova: Vindicators, Worldender is back... Supernova: ..and this time, he's out to end more than worlds. We have reason to believe his stronghold is located on... Rick: My balls. Morty: Rick! Supernova: ...the Terraneus system. Once in range, Million Ants will scan for pheromone activity, which should lead us to the location of the base. Rick: Oh, that's Million Ants. I can't see the ants over here. It just assumed that was, uh, Turd Man. Wiggly Turd Man. Morty: Rick, stop! Supernova: Rick, you have something to add to the briefing? Rick: Uh, yeah, just a few more design notes. Um, this guy. The, uh... The, uh... Rick: Right, Crocubot. So, you're half-cold, unfeeling reptile, half-also cold, equally-unfeeling machine. Rick: So, you're origin is what? Y-You fell into a vat of redundancy? Supernova: Noob-Noob, we're having a briefing! If I can continue, Rick. I anticipate sophisticated security measures. I trust you can be of service there. Rick: Well, let me check my list of powers and weaknesses. Ability to do anything... But only whenever I want... Yeah, that sounds like a job for me. Alan: I wish he had the ability to check is attitude. Rick: Alan Rails, ladies and gentleman. After his parents' tragic death in a railroad accident, he gained the power to summon ghiost trains. It's not all bad, though. They were spared having to see their grown son wear a whistle! Rick: Thanks, Noob-Noob! This guy gets it. Morty: Vance Maximus, Renegade Star Soldier! Vance: Sorry I'm late. It was happy hour. Morty: Happy hour. Rick: Uh, I was also late because of my drinking and metioned it to zero applause. Vance: Rick Sanchez, Tinkerer of Terror. Man, that's hard to say. And... Morty, right? Morty: Whoa, yeah! Vance: I never forget a kid. What do you say, Vindicators? Let's make this three for three? Morty: Did he say "three for three"? Rick: Did he say he never forgets a kid? Morty: You mean "two for two", right, Vance? Supernova: Actually, we assembled a second time last summer to fight Doomnomitron. Morty: So, this is... Vindicators 3? And you guys did Vindicators 2... w-without us? Million Ants: I sense... insecurity. Vance: Are you sure there's not just a picnic nearby. Rick: I guess he found his crowd. Pretty toothless stuff, guys. Rick: I hope you're happy with the adventure so far, Morty. These guys are even lamer than last time. Morty: We weren't here "last time", remember? They did a whole Vindicators without us. A bunch of them got killed, too. They lost Lady Katana, Calypso, Diablo Verde... Rick: Yikes. Yeah, things did feel less diverse in there. Morty: This article says the reason we weren't involved was... "personality conflicts". Rick: Don't worry, Morty, they love you. Superheroes need a wide-eyed unremarkable to tag along and react to everything like it's mind-blowing. Morty: I... think the personality conflict might have been... you. Rick: Jesus... How awesome is that? I mean, they wanted to not need me so bad, they murdered three innocent heroes of color, and they still had to bring me back? Morty: Rick, since it's my adventure and all, could you do me a favor? Rick: Uh, the adventure is the favor, Morty. Me sleeping on these linens is the favor. I mean, w-w-w-what-what are we vindicating? Comfort? Morty: Rick, this really bums me out. It-It's embarrassing to find out these guys don't like us. Rick: Why? Morty, I defeat gagoos more powerful than these guys every week. Morty: Yeah, but not heroes. Rick: Oh, please. They just call themselves heroes so they can... Morty: I'm calling them that, Rick! They're my heroes! Mine! Rick: Huh... no accounting for taste. I'm gonna go get a drink. Morty: Oh, God. Supernova: Good morning. Looks like your grandpa had a long night. Crocubot, why don't you escort Mr. Sanchez to a more comfortable spot so that someone can... clean up his diarrhea. Supernova: Actually, Noob-Noob, you have a new mission. Supernova: Vindicators, prepare for arrival. Vance: Morty, the Vindicators and I had a chat this morning and I'm afraid we need to make a little change. Morty: I-I totally get it. I-I'm so sorry. Vance: You should be. Running around in a yellow t-shirt like you're not one of us? Disgraceful. Morty: I-I-I... I'm not a superhero. Vance: Cop a squat, chief. Everyone in the universe is a hero. All you have to do is know the difference between good and bad, and root for good. Morty: Rick says "good" and "bad" are artificial constructs. Vance: Yeah, well, I get the feeling... he kind of needs that to be the case. Not coming, Noob-Noob? Vance: Security drones, inbound. Supernova: Star Mother, grant me your wrath! Alan: All aboard! Million Ants: Aah! Gun turret. Supernova: Are you all right? Million Ants: Yes. I only lost 400 ants. My queen is laying more. I am back to one million ants. Supernova: Someone wake up Sanchez. Rick: Ugh! Oh, Christ... Supernova: Rick, you're up. Rick: Barely. Supernova: Rick, we're taking fire from an automated turret. Can you bring it offline? Rick: Uh-huh. Rick: Uh, my God, that's better. Supernova: RICK! Rick: Hey, I can't help if I can't see. Alan: I could've just used a ghost train. Rick: Really? You don't say. You would have used a ghost train? Hey, everybody, the ghost train guy would have used a ghost train! Alan: Man, fuck you. Rick: Is there coffee? Hey, Morty, can you be a pal? Grandpa left his coffee maker on the ship. Y-You know, the French press thing? Morty: Get it yourself. Rick: Little extra snippy this morning, aren't you? Morty: Just focus on the mission, all right? Rick: Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. Oh, you're right. Ooh, real serious. Gotta take it real serious, huh? Alan: Son of a steam engine! They're all dead! Vance: Well, he is the Worldender. The guy ends worlds. Kind of his thing. Rick: Ooh, real scared. Real fucking on alert, high alwrt over here. Vance: What the FUCK?! Supernova: It's Worldender! What happened to him? Million Ants: I sense his life force is fading. Rick: Million Ants, ladies and gentleman! The ant colony with the power of two human eyes! Rick: All right. Short mission, good mission. Remember when Alan wanted to use a ghost train? See you guys in Vindicators 4. Morty? Morty: Rick, whoever did this is an even bigger threat than Worldender! We can't leave now! Supernova: He's right. This is far from over. Rick: Well, have fun with that. But Morty and I have to meet a comet girl, a monorail man, two assholes and a full alligator in, like, an hour. Rick: Shit. Million Ants: I sense the presence of a greater evil. Drunk Rick: Check, check, One, two. Okay, is it recording? Good. Hello, Vindicators. Welcome to your reckoning, babyyyyyyyy!! Rick: Welp, it's official. I had too much to drink last night. Drunk Rick: If you guys are watching this, you're, you know, the Vindicators. So now that we know... Vance: Rick? What's going on, buddy? Rick: Obviously, I came here last night during a blackout. Supernova: Obviously? You came here and defeated our arch-nemesis while so drunk, you don't remember doing it? That's something obvious to you? Rick: Look, I'm a lit- little more complex than you guys and, no offense, but I've always suspected that a lot of what you do in a year could be knocked out in a couple of hours. Drunk Rick: ...So I thought, why not just do your job for you so we can have a little fun game. Morty: Rick, is-is this a "Saw" thing? Are you seriously "Saw"-ing the Vindicators? Rick: Morty I'm a drunk, not a hack. Drunk Rick: If you break the rules, lose the game or try to leave, you will die. Like in "Sawwww". Rick: Well, I-I-I think we've seen enough. I'll just figure out how to unplug this. Drunk Rick: Okay, here we go, room number one. The Vindicators are known throughout the galaxy, but do they know yourselves? Do you know yourselves? Match your... your shit, your... your gimmicks with your faces and y-you get it, it's a matching thing. And do it in three minutes, or you'll all die. Vance: Screw this. I'm not playing his game. I'm gonna find us a way out of here. Rick: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, Vance. He said you'd die if you tried to leave. That means there's booby traps. Vance: Why are you acting like that's not you?! Rick: What part of "blackout" don't you understand? I thought you drank? Vance: Like cool drinking! Like sexy drinking, not this psycho trailer-park shit! Morty: Vance, stay calm... Vance: Oh, so you're the leader now because we gave you a jacket?! You're the learning-disabled kid we do photo-ops with! Morty: Okay, ouch, but... Vance: Okay, this... this is triggering me. I need space. I-I need SPACE! FROM THIS! Alan: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't crush your windpipe! Rick: Because my epidermis is laced with a nanofiber defense mesh. Rick: And because, like I said, I don't remember last night. Alan: I told you not to invite this mummified motherfucker back! Rick: Alan, I'm not proud of what's happening here, but if you keep coming at me, there's gonna be another passenger on that ghost train. Morty: Guys! I've figured it out. Drunk Rick: Congrats! You did it- it! Morty: It was a bit. All of the descriptors apply to all of you. Drunk Rick's point is that none of you are very special or different. That's always his point. Supernova: Let's just get through this as quickly as possible. Then, we'll deal with the two of you. Morty: The two of us?! I hope you're proud of yourself! Rick: Uh, I kind of am. I saved the goddamn universe. Morty: That's not the issue, Rick! Rick: Ahh, it would've been if I hadn't. Drunk Rick: The Vindicators say their job is is to fight evil wherever it hides, but they don't... pick the location you'll... you'll never even hear them mention, because to fight darkness is to fight yourself. Supernova: Crocubot, don't! Rick: Huh, I'm seeing more croc than bot here. Supernova: Goddammit! Morty: Uh, what happened on Dorian 5? Supernova: Nothing! Alan: Nothing?! We exterminated a planet! Morty: W-Wait, huh? Supernova: Doomnomitron was hiding here! He's a shapeshifter! Destroying Dorian 5 was the only way to kill him! Morty: Oh, o-okay. This again? Rick: You know, I could have made a device to detect Doomnomitron from orbit like that. Supernova: I'm not the one that didn't want you back. Alan was! Alan: If you lay those deaths at my doorstep one more time... Million Ants: Do not threaten her! Drunk Rick: Congrats, you did it! Supernova: What the hell is Is-ra-el? Morty: I-It's just something Rick starts talking about whenever he's blackout drunk. Rick: W-What? In w-In w-w-what-In what way? Like, w-w-what's my point? Morty: In a way that has no point! You just babble about defense budgets and the United Nations, and then you pass out! Rick: So, to be clear, I sometimes reference the geopolitical complexities of the topic, which is not the same as going to an anti-Semitic place. Million Ants: I have no stake in this. Rick: I don't either. I-I'm just saying, if anything, the drunk version of me is probably so supportive of Israel, he wants what's best for it and... Million Ants: Hey, man, I'm not touching this. You do you. Drunk Rick: Aloha... means hello and goodbye in Hawaii. But, uh, aloha means... has nothing to do with this room. I'm so fucking drunk. Ugh, okay, here's the deal. I-I want to rest my eyes for a little bit. I'm-I'm not going to sleep. I just... just need to rest my eye, so let's make this one simple. Just try to hit some three-pointers. Drunk Rick: let's say... you have to hit... five three-pointers in... five minutes or, I don't know, the whole place-the whole planet will get blown up with a n-neutrino bomb. And try to make it a-a lesson about yourselves like, like how... selfish you a-are, or something. Also, Hawaii. Morty: You guys hit the baskets. I'll disarm the drunkenly-improvised neutrino bomb. There's a 40% chance it's a dud, but y-you should still stay back. Rick: Morty, how many of these...? Morty: Too many, Rick! Too many! Rick: Man, I am really getting high-roaded today. Drunk Rick: That's a three-pointer! Alan: Nice shot. Million Ants: Thank you. Alan: You two make quite a team. Supernova: We all do. Alan: Yeah, I guess. Drunk Rick: That's a three-pointer! Alan: But you guys have always had a... an unspoken bond. Alan: I mean, really unspoken. Like, "let's-not-tell-my-husband" unspoken. Supernova: We aren't married anymore, Alan. Alan: Sure, but were we married when you two were "stranded" on Delphi 6 for three days? Because I sensed something was weird when you can back. But what do I know about sensitivity? I'm just a phantom train conductor. You're the pile of ordinary bugs that fucked my wife! Drunk Rick: That's a three-pointer! Rick: Where the fuck is the lead wire?! Morty: You always put it in the weirdest place! Um, uh, over here, maybe? Rick: Jesus Christ, what a shitty neutrino bomb. it's a miracle I actually every destroy anything. Morty: Oh, I don't know. You managed to destroy just about everything today; the villains, the heroes, the lines between them, my childhood... Rick: Thank you. I appreciate it, Morty. I know you were sucking the Kool-Aid out of the Vindicators' dicks, so the fact that I was right about them must be pretty hard to admit. Morty: Yeah, it is. You know why, Rick? Because when you're an asshole, it doesn't matter how right you are, nobody wants to give you the satisfaction. Rick: I know. Everyone wants people they like to be right. That's why popular people are fucking dumb. And why your pretentious, poorly-written, high-budget friends back there can a eat a double-decker shit sandwich. Disarmed. Morty: Holy shit. You're jealous. Supernova: YES! Is that what you want to hear?! Alan: Did it feel good?! Did you like his six million wriggling legs more than my tragedy-stricken, half-ghost, half-tumescent penis?! Drunk Rick: That's a three-pointer! Morty: Guys, stop! You're just proving my asshole grandpa right! Supernova: You wish this was about sex! We loved each other! We had a child together. Alan: WHAT?! Supernova: I conceived a child with Million Ants and it died inside me because it as HALF A MILLION ANTS AND HALF COLLAPSING STAR! And yes, he was better than you! Alan: Yeah? Million Ants: One million times better! Alan: ALL ABOOOOOOARD, MOTHERFUCKER!!! Supernova: STOP! Rick: Oof! Didn't see that comin'. Supernova: Is that sarcasm?! I don't want you slipping away then this is over! All of these deaths are on your hands! Rick: Oh, come on, maybe a couple of them, but definitely not the train guy. Supernova: All of them. Rick: O-kayyy... Drunk Rick: Congrats, you did it! Drunk Rick: All right, buy now, I've been pretty clear that I thunk the Vindicators are full of shit. But... you do have one thing I'll never have. And that thing is the only part of the Vindicators with any value to me. if you know what it is, place it on the platform.Guess wrong and the pla... planet will explode. And probably the solar system, 'cause I kind of fucking eyeballed the neutrino bombs on this one. Supernova: So what's the trick? Morty, you're the Drunk Rick expert. Morty: I think... no matter what we put on there, we die. he said it's the part of the Vindicators he values. That means nothing. He wants our last moment alive to be spent knowing how few fucks he gave. Supernova: Jesus! Okay, open to second opinions! Rick: I could-It could be Morty. Morty: What? Rick: Hey, I don't know. I mean, look, when I get drunk, I get stupid and emotional and there's no logic to it. it's, like, possible I got so drunk, I felt like I was losing Morty to the Vindicators, and maybe this is my way of saying "Okay, you can have him, but only if you know how important he is, otherwise I'll kill you." Million Ants: That is a... really specific guess. Rick: Look, I... there's nothing in the room but us. I'm just using logic to connect some dots. It's the best guess I've got. Supernova: But you're betting our lives on it. Morty: I'll cover that bet. I get it. Rick: Well, Morty, I think you're making that smirky face because you're misinterpreting the moment. I am not being coy about some hidden love for you. I want to be really clear that, if anyone has a better guess, like, if I gave you an amulet last night, or... Rick: Oh, shit. Drunk Rick: Sorry, I'm... not good at goodbyes. It looks like I'm never gonna see you again. I can't really roll with the hero types, and I don't... th-they don't want me around. But I want... you to know, even if I didn't show it at the time, II really appreciated you sticking by me. Drunk Rick: Goddammit, why am I crying? It makes no sense. Drunk Rick: Ugh, y-you're probably confused because we barely know each other... Drunk Rick: ...but you really stuck your neck out when you gave me props for my awesome jokes in the briefing room. Everybody else had their heads so far up their ass. Even my own grandson is like, "Oh, the Vindicators are so cool." I mean, he's a moron, it's their... demographic. But you're different, Noob-Noob. Morty: ...Motherfucker! Drunk Rick: You're fucking cool! And you're smart! And I bet we coulda hung out and shit! And I hope you get to be a full-fledged Vindicator! A-And d-do me a favor. Do-Don't let him know I... I got emotional. But you can tell him one thing. Tell him I said... Oh, fuck. Okay, I just shit myself. Okay, later. Rick: W-Dude, Morty, what happened i...? Morty: Shut up. Million Ants: I sense this means we are not drying. Supernova: Not all of us. Million Ants: Sweetheart? Supernova: Just let Titty-Bean do this, Snuzzles. It's for the greater good. Morty: Greater good?! Rick: Titty-Bean? Supernova: It's like you said, Morty Morty: Never said that! Supernova: It's the galaxy's faith in the Vindicators that keeps the galaxy secure! Rick: Yeah, I feel safer already. Morty: No doubt. Who do we make the check out to? Rick: I'll say, we are gettin' some good licks in while choking to death. Morty: Right? Million Ants: Titty-Bean, listen to me. When you came to me, I was merely a sentient colony of ants. It was your beliefs, your pursuit of justice, that taught me to be a man. Supernova: When did it get so complicated? Million Ants: Who knows? But we can make it simple again. Supernova: You were always the romantic. Which is why you can't leave either. Supernova: Goodbye, my love. Rick: Damn! She double-crossed Snuzzles! Supernova: Silence! I'm going to enjoy this... Announcer: Let's give a huge thanks to Rick Sanchez for killing Worldender, putting this awesome party together, and for booking one of the hottest talents out there Rick: Look at that. Geez, I must've planned a whole party. Invited a bunch of people. Not bad, Drunk Rick, not bad. Morty: Rick, Supernova's getting away! Rick: Ah, who cares? Morty: But.. she was trying to kill us! Rick: Morty, twenty people try to kill me every week. I end up getting high with half of 'em. I mean, check it out, Gear Head's here. Beth: Morty, you're wearing a Vindicator jacket. Are you a little superhero now? Morty: Everyone in the universe is a hero, Mom. Which is why we don't need jackets. And I'm pretty sure we don't need Vindicators. Summer: Man, Grandpa Rick must have gotten shitfaced. Rick: Shut up, Summer. Rick: Who the fuck is Noob-Noob?

Jerry: Do you know what this is all about? Do you know, why were here? To be out, this is out...and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People...did you ever hear people talking about We should go out? This is what they're talking about...this whole thing, were all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, were all out! There are people tryin to find us, they dont know where we are. (on an imaginary phone) Did you ring?, I cant find him. Where did he go? He didnt tell me where he was going. He must have gone out. You wanna go out you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...Then you're standing around, whatta you do? You go We gotta be getting back. Once you're out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, its my feeling, you've gotta go. Jerry: (pointing at Georges shirt) See, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it. Its too high! Its in no-mans-land. You look like you live with your mother. George: Are you through? Jerry: You do of course try on, when you buy? George: Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I dont actually recall considering the buttons. Jerry: Oh, you dont recall? George: (on an imaginary microphone) Uh, no, not at this time. Jerry: Well, senator, Id just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it. Claire: Mr. Seinfeld. Mr. Costanza. George: Are, are you sure this is decaf? Wheres the orange indicator? Claire: Its missing, I have to do it in my head decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right...its very challenging work. Jerry: Can you relax, its a cup of coffee. Claire is a professional waitress. Claire: Trust me George. No one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine. George: How come you're not doin the second show tomorrow? Jerry: Well, theres this uh, woman might be comin in. George: Wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman is coming in? Jerry: I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan? George: No, you didnt! Jerry: I thought I told you about it, yes, she teaches political science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing... George: Ha. Jerry: (looks in the creamer) Theres no milk in here, what... George: Wait wait wait, what is she... (takes the milk can from Jerry and puts it on the table) What is she like? Jerry: Oh, shes really great. I mean, shes got like a real warmth about her and shes really bright and really pretty and uh... the conversation though, I mean, it was... talking with her is like talking with you, but, you know, obviously much better. George: (smiling) So, you know, what, what happened? Jerry: Oh, nothing happened, you know, but is was great. George: Oh, nothing happened, but it was... Jerry: Yeah. George: This is great! Jerry: Yeah. George: So, you know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you! Jerry: Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe well get together. George: (whistles disapprovingly) Ho ho ho, Had to? Had to come in? Jerry: Yeah, but... George: Had to come in and maybe well get together? Had to and maybe? Jerry: Yeah! George: No...no...no, I hate to tell you this. You're not gonna see this woman. Jerry: What, are you serious...why, why did she call? George: How do I know, maybe, you know, maybe she wanted to be polite. Jerry: To be polite? You are insane! George: All right, all right, I didnt want to tell you this. You wanna know why she called you? Jerry: Yes! George: You're a back-up, you're a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan, a contingency! Jerry: Oh, I get it, this is about the button. George: Claire, Claire, you're a woman, right? Claire: What gave it away, George? George: Uhm...Id like to ask you...ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, you know, from a female point of view. George: (to Claire) Now, a woman calls me, all right? Claie: Uh huh. George: She says she has to come to New York on business... Jerry: Oh you are beautiful! George: ...and, and maybe shell see me when she gets there, does this woman intend to spend time with me? Claire: Id have to say, uuhh, no. (George Shows His Note-Block To Jerry; It Says Very Largely: NO.) Claire: To be polite. George: To be polite. I rest my case. Jerry: Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea, what you're talking about, now, come on, come with me. (stands up) I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway. George: Im not gonna watch you do laundry. Jerry: Oh, come on, be a come-with guy. George: Come on, Im tired. Claire: (to Jerry) Dont worry, I gave him a little caffeine. Hell perk up. George: (panicking) Right, I knew I felt something! George: Jerry? I have to tell you something. This is the dullest moment Ive ever experienced. Jerry: Well, look at this guy. Look, hes got everything, hes got detergents, sprays, fabric softeners. This is not his first load. George: I need a break, Jerry, you know. I gotta get out of the city. I feel so cramped... Jerry: And you didnt even hear how she sounded. George: What?! Jerry: Laura. George: I cant believe- (falls on his knees) WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS! Jerry: Yeah, but how could you be so sure? George: Cause its signals, Jerry, its signals! (snapping his fingers) Dont you- all right. Did she even ask you, what you were doin tomorrow night, if you were busy? Jerry: No. George: She calls you today and she doesnt make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? Its Saturday night! Jerry: Yeah. George: What is that? Its ridiculous! You dont even know what hotel shes staying at, you cant call her. That's a signal, Jerry, that's a signal! (snaps his fingers) Signal! Jerry: Maybe you're right. George: Maybe Im right? Of course Im right. Jerry: This is insane. You know, I dont even know where shes staying! She, shes not gonna call me, this is unbelievable. George: I know, I know. Listen, your stuff has to be done by now, why dont you just see if its dry? Jerry: No no no, dont interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what its doing. Just let it finish. George: You're gonna overdry it. Jerry: You, you cant overdry. George: Why not? Jerry: Same as you cant overwet. You see, once something is wet, its wet. Same thing with death. Like once you die you're dead, right? Lets say you drop dead and I shoot you. You're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You cant overdie, you cant overdry. George: (to the other laundry patrons) Any questions? Jerry: How could she not tell me where she was staying? George: Look at that. They're done! Jerry: Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. It is...yknow, think about it. The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, its dark, theres bubbles happening, they're all kinda dancing around in there- shirt grabs the underwear, Cmon babe, lets go. You come by, you open up the lid and theyll- (stiffens up, as the clothes) Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives, they're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They knew a escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper the night before, Tomorrow, the dryer, Im goin. You wait here! The dryer door swings open and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. He hopes you dont see him and then he goes down the road. They get buttons sewn on their faces, join a puppet show. So they're showing me on television the detergent for getting out bloodstains. Is this a violent image to anybody? Bloodstains? I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now. You gotta get the harpoon out your chest first. Jerry: (answering, quickly) If you know what happened in the Met game, dont say anything, I taped it, hello. Yeah, no, Im sorry, you have the wrong number. Yeah, no Jerry: (to the door) Yeah? Kessler: Are you up? Jerry: (to Kessler) Yeah. (to the phone) Yeah, people do move. Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem. Kessler: Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh? Jerry: (upset) Ohhhh, what are you doing? Kessler, its a tape! I taped the game, its one oclock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this. Kessler: Hey, Im sorry, I- you know, I, I thought you knew. (takes two loaves of bread out of his pockets, and holds them out to Jerry.) You got any meat? Jerry: Meat? I dont, I dont know, go... hunt! (Kessler opens the refrigerator and sticks his head in.) Well what happened in the game anyway? Kessler: (from the refrigerator) What happened? Well, they STUNK, that's what happened! Kessler: You know, I almost wound up going to that game. Jerry: (cynical) Yeah you almost went to the game. You haven't been out of the building in ten years! Kessler: Yeah. (Jerry sits down on the couch. Kessler walks over with his sandwich and looks at Jerry and uses expressions to ask Jerry to move the newspapers on the other side of the couch so he could site down. Kessler sits down next to him and starts turning over the pages of a magazine. Suddenly he spots an article he likes and tears it out. Jerry gives him a look as if to say, Do you mind?) Are you done with this? Jerry: No. Kessler: When you're done, let me know. Jerry: Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow. Kessler: I thought I wasnt allowed to be in here this weekend. Jerry: No, its okay now, that, that girl is not comin. Uh, I misread the whole thing. Kessler: You want me to talk to her? Jerry: I dont think so. Kessler: Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you know that I was almost... a lawyer. Jerry: That close, huh? Kessler: You better believe it. Jerry: Hello...Oh, hi, Laura. Kessler: Oh, give me it...let me talk to her. Jerry: (to the phone) No believe me, Im always up at this hour. How are you?... Great... Sure... What time does the plane get in?... I got my friend George to take me... Kessler: (to the TV) SLIDE! Wow! Jerry: No, its, its just my neighbour... Um... Yeah, I got it. (Jerry takes a pencil and a cereal box to write on.) Ten-fifteen... No, dont be silly, go ahead and ask... Yeah, sure... Okay, great, no no, its no trouble at all... Ill see you tomorrow... Great, bye. (He hangs up the phone; to Kessler) I dont believe it. That was her. She wants to stay here! Jerry: If my father was moving this hed had to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way. (as his father) 'Have you got your end?...Your ends got to come down first, easy now, drop it down...drop it down, your ends got to come down.' George: You know, I cant believe you're bringin in an extra bed for woman that wants to sleep with you. Why dont you bring in an extra guy too? Jerry: Look, its a very awkward situation. I dont wanna be presumptuous. George: All right, all right, one more time, one more time! What was the exact phrasing of the request? Jerry: All right, she said she couldn't find a decent hotel room... George: A decent hotel-room... Jerry: Yeah, a decent hotel-room, would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place. George: You cant be serious. This is New York city. There must be eleven million decent hotel rooms! Whatta you need? A flag? (waving his handkerchief) This is the signal, Jerry, this is the signal! Jerry: (cynical) This is the signal? Thank you, Mr. Signal. Where were you yesterday? George: I think I was affected by the caffeine. George: Ho, ho, ho, good dog, good dog... Kessler: Hey, he really likes you, George. George: Well, that's flattering. Kessler: Oh, hes gettin a drink of water. (pointing to the mattress) Is this for that girl? Jerry: Yeah. Kessler: Why even give her an option? Jerry: This is a person I like, its not How to score on spring break. George: Right, can we go? Cause Im double-parked, Im gonna get a ticket. Jerry: Yeah, okay. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I forgot to clean the bathroom. George: So what? That's good. Jerry: Now, how could that be good? George: Because filth is good. Whaddaya think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia lyin around the bathroom? They, have a woman comin over, Ive gotta tidy up? Yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Always, ALWAYS do the opposite. Jerry: This is how you operate? George: Yeah, I wish. Jerry: Let me just wipe the sink. Kessler: Why even give her an option for? Kessler: (to George, pointing at the mattress) Its unbelievable. George: Yeah. Kessler: Hows the real estate-business? George: (feeling awkward) Its uh, not bad, its comin along. Why? Did you need something. Kramer: Do you handle any of that commercial...real estate? George: Well, I might be getting into that. Kessler: (slaps George on the arm) You keep me posted! George: Im aware of you. (to Jerry) All right, lets go (opens the bathroom door) Lets go! Jerry: The dating world is not a fun world...its a pressure world, its a world of tension, its a world of pain...and you know, if a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready, cause she needs things. Women need equipment. I dont know what they need. I know I dont have it, I know that- You know what they need, women seem to need a lot of cotton-balls. This is the one Im- always has been one of the amazing things to me...I have no cotton-balls, were all human beings, what is the story? Ive never had one...I never bought one, I never needed one, Ive never been in a situation, when I thought to myself I could use a cotton-ball right now. I can certainly get out of this mess. Women need them and they dont need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags, they're like peat moss bags, have you ever seen these giant bags? They're huge and two days later, they're out, they're gone, the, the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls, ladies? What are you doin with them? The only time I ever see em is in the bottom of your little waste basket, theres two or three, that look like they've been through some horrible experience... tortured, interrogated, I dont know what happened to them. I once went out with a girl whos left a little zip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls over at my house. I dont know what to do with them, I took them out, I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town. Lets move on. The dating world is a world of pressure. Lets face it a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. You know? Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position, why dont you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be workin with? Jerry: Wouldnt it be great if you could ask a woman what shes thinking? George: What a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman what shes thinkin. Jerry: You know, instead, Im like a detective. I gotta pick up clues, the whole thing is a murder investigation. George: Listen, listen, dont get worked up, cause you're gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane. Jerry: Really? How? George: Cause its all in the greeting. Jerry: Uh-huh. George: All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign. Jerry: Right. George: You know, anything in the, in the lip area is good. Jerry: Lip area. George: You know a hug definitely good. Jerry: Hug is definitely good. George: Sure. Jerry: Although what if its one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart? George: That's so brutal, I hate that. Jerry: You know how they do that? George: That's why, you know, a shake is bad. Jerry: Shake is bad, but what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes? George: Hand sandwich. Jerry: Right. George: I see, well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes. Laura: Guess who? Jerry: Hey, hey. Laura & Jerry: Heeeey! Jerry: Its good to see you. Laura: Hi. Jerry: This is my friend George. Laura: Hi, how nice to meet you. George: Hi, how are you? Jerry: This is Laura. George: Laura, sure. Jerry: (to Laura) I cant believe you're here. George & Jerry: Ooh yeah, the bags, sure. Laura: Oh, thank you. Jerry: (aside, to George) Now that was an interesting greeting, did you notice that, George? George: Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting. That wasnt in the manual, I dont know. Jerry: So uh, what do you think? Laura: Ooohhh, wow! This place isn't so bad. Jerry: Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work on the road. So uh, make yourself at home. (Laura sits down on the couch, takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt.) So uh, can I get you anything? Uuhhh, bread, water...salad-dressing? Laura: (laughs) Actually, um, do you have any wine? Jerry: Uh, yeah, I think I do. Laura: (referring to a lamp) Oh, do you mind if I turn this down? Jerry: Uh, no, yeah, go right ahead. Laura: Uh, Jerry, uh, I was wandering, would it be possible and if its not, fine for me to stay here tomorrow night too? Jerry: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why dont you stay? Yeah, uhm...What is your, what is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you, are you doin anything? Laura: No, Id love to do something. Uh, I have my seminar in the morning, then after that Im right open. Jerry: Really? What would you like to do? Laura: Well... now I know this sounds touristy, but Id just love to go on one of those five-hour boat rides around Manhattan. Jerry: (unenthusiastic) Yeah, we could do that...why not, why not. (pouring the wine) Im just, Im really glad you're here. Jerry: (answering) Yeah, hello...yes...yes, she is, hold on. (to Laura) Um, its for you. Laura: (to the phone) Hello?... Hi!... No no it was great, right on time... No, I, Im gonna stay here tomorrow...yes, yes its fine... No, were goin on a boat ride... Dont be silly... Im not gonna have this conversation... Look, Ill call you tomorrow... Okay, bye. (She hangs up the phone.) Never get engaged. Jerry: (not excited) You're engaged? Laura: You, you really have no idea what its like until you actually do it. And Im on this emotional roller coaster. Jerry: You're engaged? Laura: You know, I cant believe it myself sometimes. You have to start thinking in terms of we. Ugh, its a very stressful situation. Jerry: (matter-of-factly) You're engaged. Laura: Yeah, yeah, hes a great guy... Jerry: Yeah. Laura: Youd really like him, you know, I cant wait to get on that boat. Jerry: Me too! Jerry: I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I dont get it, okay? I, I, I admit, I, Im not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it! Its the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we dont know bout that, we dont know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas weve had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it...? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! I dont think she likes me. The amazing thing is, that we still get women, dont we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like Where to meet men? Were here, we are everywhere. Were honking our horns to serve you better. Jerry: So, Im on line at the supermarket. Two women in front of me. One of them, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They both of course choose to pay by the use of the... Audience: Cheque. Jerry: Cheque. Now, the fact is, if its a woman in front of you that's writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed that women are very fast with cheques, yknow, cause they write out so many cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they dont know where that is, but the cheque book they got that. They never fumble for the cheque book. The cheque book comes out of a holster (Jerry draws imaginary book from a holster.) Who do I make it out to? Theres my ID. Theres something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine. I dont know exactly what it is. I think to a man, a cheque is like a note from your mother that says, I dont have any money, but if you'll contact these people, Im sure theyll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time- I dont have any money but I have these. I wrote on these. Is this of any value at all? Jerry: Whats that one? Elaine: Coccoon II The Return. I guess they didnt like it up there. Jerry: Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Y'know Maureen Stapleton, if she gets a craving, shes probably screamin at those aliens, I gotta have a lo mein! Elaine: Okay, whatre we doing here? I have seen everything. Jerry: Oh yeah? I dont believe you've seen... this. Elaine: Oh, lovely. Jerry: Yeah. Elaine: What do you think their parents think? Jerry: So, uh, whats your son doing now, Dr. Stevens? Oh, hes a public fornicator. Yes, hes a fine boy... Elaine: Y'know what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamelas birthday. Jerry: Pamela? Do I know her? Elaine: Yeah, you met her when we were going out. Jerry: Oh yeah, right... Elaine: You have no idea who Im talking about, do you? Jerry: (quickly) No. Elaine: Blonde hair, remember? Glasses? (pause) Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple? Jerry: (a lightbulb goes on in his head) Riverside Drive. Elaine: Right! In fact... No, never mind... Jerry: Well, what is it? Elaine: Well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some bar for her birthday, but... (Jerry turns in disgust) you dont want to go to... that... no. Jerry: Wait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little deal here. Elaine: What little deal? Jerry: I will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding I have on Saturday. Elaine: A wedding? Have you lost it, man? Jerry: Y'know, my parents are coming in for this... Elaine: They're coming in? Jerry: Yeah, tomorrow. Elaine: Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave? Jerry: No, no. Still doin the big sweep across. Elaine: Why does he do that? Jerry: Doesnt think anyone can tell. So cmon, do we have a deal? Elaine: A wedding? Jerry: Theres a lot of people to mock... Elaine: All right, what the hell. Jerry: Great! Woman: When you're dead, you're dead. That's it. You're not goin anywhere... Elaine: Cmon lets go... Jerry: Was I supposed to bring something? Elaine: You could have. Jerry: I met her one time... Elaine: It is not necessary. Jerry: What did you say then? Elaine: Sssshhhhhh!!! Pamela: Hi Elaine: Hi, Pamela, you remember Jerry. Pamela: (shakes Jerry's hand) Yes, we met. Jerry: Hi, happy birthday. Pamela: Thanks, ah, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry. Guests, Jerry & Elaine: Hi Jerry: I didnt bring anything. Pamela: Uh, I put you two right here. Jerry: Oh, Okay (turns to rest of table) Im sorry, I didnt know what to bring, nobody told me. Vanessa: How big a tip do you think itd take to get him to stop? Jerry: Im in for five... Vanessa: Ill supply the hat. Jerry: (thinking) Uh-oh... What do we have here? Vanessa: Why dont you relax and take your jacket off? Jerry: Oh, I cant. Uh, I have a tendency to get chilly. Vanessa: How masculine. Jerry: Plus Im wearing short sleeves, I dont want to expose my tattoos. (Vanessa smiles; thinking) Shes unbelievable! Roger: (to Vanessa) Hey, this guy says he knows Bricker. Vanessa: Oh, you know Bricker! From where? Jerry: (thinking) Whats going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend, shes too good to be alone. Whats the difference, I cant maneouver anyway with Elaine next to me. Vanessa: (to Jerry) How do you know Pamela? Jerry: Uh, friend of a friend. And you? Vanessa: We went to law school together. Elaine: (interrupting Jerry's conversation) Oh, Jerry! Jerry: (turning to Elaine; thinking) Oh no, not now. Elaine: I had this dream last night and you were in it. Jerry: Oh really? (tries turning away in the hopes Elaine gets the hint; thinking) Oh God, I gotta get out of this. Elaine: You were you, but, you werent you... Jerry: No kidding. (thinking) Why is this happening? Please, make her stop! Elaine: I think, I think we were in my house where I grew up, and you were standing there, you were looking out the window... Jerry: (thinking) This is brutal. Elaine: You turned around and you had these wooden teeth. Jerry: How do you like that? (tries to turn away again; thinking)Can I turn now? Is this over? No, I cant, I cant. Im stuck. Elaine: (noticing Jerry not wanting to listen; annoyed) Jerry? Are you listening to me? Jerry: Yes, I heard you. Pamela: Elaine, whats the name of that jewelry store you took me to that time? Jerry: (thinking) Thank you, Pamela! (turns to talk to Vanessa; to Vanessa) So, you're a lawyer... Vanessa: Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Jerry: (thinking) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft... (to Vanessa) Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit. Vanessa: Oh, that was you? Jerry: Imagine, spelling Mom with two Os. Vanessa: Very funny! What do you do? Jerry: Comedian. Vanessa: Really? That explains it. Jerry: (thinking; quickly) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Roger: Are you ready? Vanessa: We gotta run. Happy birthday! Jerry: (thinking) I cant believe it. I got nothing! I dont even know her name! Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag... Jerry: That wasnt so bad, really. Elaine: Y'know, um, you could use a little work on your manners. Jerry: Why? What did I do? Elaine: Wel-Well, I just dont appreciate these little courtesy responses, like Im selling you aluminum siding. Jerry: I was listening! Elaine: No! You couldn't wait to get back to your little... conversation. Jerry: No, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had. Elaine: Uh-huh... Jerry: Where you had, uh, wooden teeth. Elaine: No! No! You had wooden teeth! You had wooden teeth! I didnt have wooden teeth, you did! Jerry: All right, so I had wooden teeth, so what? Elaine: So nothing! Nothing. (annoyed sigh) Jerry: Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after himself. He said, Yeah, I got this new thing Platonic. My idea, my name, callin it after myself. What I do is, I go out with the girls, I talk with them- dont do anything, and go right home. Whatd you think? I think its going to be big! I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get relationships named after them, but it didnt work. Y'know, I bet you there were guys who tried to do it, just went, Uh, Hi, uh my names Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, its a Riconic relationship. Jerry: Hey! Morty: Ah, there he is! Jerry: This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed! Helen: Y'know, Jerry, we dont have to do this. Jerry: What are you talkin about? Its fine, I love having you here. Helen: Tomorrow well go to a hotel. Jerry: Ma, will you stop? Helen: No, why should we take over your apartment? Jerry: I dont care. Im sleeping next door. Helen: Your friend Kramer doesnt mind? Jerry: No, hes making a bouillabaisse. Jerry: So, dad, lemme ask you a question. How many people work at these big law offices? Morty: Depends on the firm. Jerry: Yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they would know who it was? Morty: Whats the matter? You need a lawyer? Jerry: No, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works, but I dont know her name. Morty: So why dont you ask someone who was at the party? Jerry: Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I cant ask her. Helen: Why not? Jerry: Because its complicated. Theres some tension there. Helen: He used to go with her. Helen: Which one is she? Morty: From Maryland. The one who brought you the chocolate covered cherries you didnt like. Helen: Oh yeah, very alert. Warm person. Jerry: Oh yeah, shes great. Helen: So, how come nothing materialized there? Jerry: Well, its a tough thing to talk about uh. I dunno... Helen: I know what it was. Jerry: You dont know what it was. Helen: So, what was it? Jerry: Well, we fight a lot for some reason. Helen & Morty: Oh, well... Jerry: And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry. Helen: Well, I think shes a very attractive girl. Jerry: Oh, she is, she absolutely is. Helen: I can see if there was a weight problem... Jerry: No, its not that. It wasnt all one-sided. Helen: You know, you cant be so particular. Nobodys perfect. Jerry: I know, I know... Morty: Y'know Jerry, its a good thing I wasnt so particular. Helen: (hits Morty) Idiot. (to Jerry) So whore you looking for, Sophia Loren? Jerry: That's got nothin to do with it. Morty: How about Loni Anderson? Helen: Where do you get Loni Anderson? Morty: Why, whats wrong with Loni Anderson? Helen: I like Elaine more than Loni Anderson. Jerry: What are you two talking about? Look, Elaine just wasnt the one. Helen: And this other ones the one? Jerry: I dunno, maybe... Morty: So ask Elaine there for her number. Jerry: I cant. Shell get upset. I never talk about other women with her, especially this one tonight. Helen: How could you still see her if your not interested? Jerry: Were friends. Morty: Doesnt sound like you're friends to me. If you were friends you'd-youd ask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works? Jerry: Oh yeah. Morty: Well, go up to the office. Helen: Up to her office? Morty: Go to the building. She goes out to lunch, doesnt she? Jerry: I guess. Morty: So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for her to come down for lunch. Jerry: You mean stakeout the lobby? Helen: Morty, that's ridiculous. Just ask Elaine for the number! Morty: He doesnt want to ask Elaine for the number. Helen: So you've got him standing by the elevator like a dope! What happens when he sees her? Morty: He pretends he bumped into her! Jerry: Y'know what? This is not that bad an idea. George: What does she look like? Jerry: I dunno. Hard to say. George: What actress does she remind you of? Jerry: Loni Anderson. George: Loni Anderson?! Jerry: What, theres something wrong with Loni Anderson? (pause) Hey listen, thanks again for running over here. I appreciate it. George: Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 48th street. Besides, you think I wanna miss this? (chuckles) Jerry: Im a little nervous. George: Yeah, me too... Jerry: If I see her, what do I say that Im doing here in the building? George: You came to see me. I work in the building. Jerry: What do you do? George: Im an architect. Jerry: You're an architect? George: Im not? Jerry: I dont see architecture comin from you. George: (somewhat annoyed) I suppose you could be an architect. Jerry: I never said that I was the architect. Just somethin else. George: All right, shes not even gonna ask, if we see her, which is remote. Jerry: Well whaddaya want me to say, that I just wandered in here? George: Were having lunch with a friend. He works in the building. Jerry: What is his name? George: Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son. Jerry: Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up. George: No good? All right, uh how about Art... Cor... Jerry: Art Cor... George: ...velay. Jerry: Corvelay? George: Yeah, right. Jerry: Well, what does he do? George: Hes an importer. Jerry: Just imports, no exports? George: (annoyed) Hes an importer/exporter, okay? (beat) Elaine ever call you back? Jerry: No, I guess shes still mad. George: I dont understand, you never talk to her about other women? Jerry: Never. (The elevator door opens.) Wait a second. That's her. On the right. George: (anxious) I forgot who I am! Who am I?! Jerry: You're you. Were having lunch with Art Corvelay. George: Vandelay! Jerry: Corvelay! George: Let me be the architect! I can do it! Jerry: Hey, hey. uh Pamelas birthday party, didnt I see you there? Jerry. Vanessa: Sure! Hi! Jerry: Uh, this is George. (reaches for her name) Im sorry... Vanessa: Vanessa. George: Nice to meet you. Jerry: Ah, Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Vanessa: That's right! Yea, whatre you doing here? Jerry: Oh, were meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here in the building. George: Yeah, Art Vandelay. Vanessa: Really? Which company? Jerry & George: (turning to each other) I dont know. Hes an importer. Vanessa: Importer? George: ...And exporter. Jerry: Hes an importer/exporter. George: (clears his throat) Im, uh, Im an architect. Vanessa: Really. What do you design? George: Uh, railroads, uh... Vanessa: I thought engineers do that. George: They can... Jerry: Y'know Im sorry you had to leave so early the other night. Vanessa: Oh, me too. My cousin had to go back to Boston. Jerry: Oh, that guy was your cousin! (walking in front of George so he gets the picture to leave) Vanessa: Yeah, and that woman was your... Jerry: Friend! George: Ill just, uh, get a paper... Jerry: So, um, do you date uh immature men? Vanessa: Almost exclusively... Helen: Bum bum bum bum... I have no letters... Bum bum bum bum... Jerry: (annoyed) Ma, will you go already? Helen: Bum bum bum bum... Jerry: What are you doing?! Helen: Wait, I just want to see something. Jerry: You cant look in there, were playing! Kramer: Hi. Jerry: Hi. Morty: (cleaning his shoes) Good evening, Mr. Kramer! Kramer: Hey Morty! (to Jerry) Salad dressing? Jerry: Look. Helen: Quo. Is that a word? Jerry: Maybe! Helen: Will you challenge it? Jerry: Ma, you cant look up words in the dictionary! (to Morty) Dad, shes cheating! Kramer: Quo? That's not a word. Helen: (to Jerry) You're such a stickler... Jerry: Well put something down, you're taking twenty minutes on this. So is Uncle Mac and Artie, they're all coming over here before the wedding? Helen: Theyll be here at two oclock. Oh, Elaine called. She said shed be here at two-thirty. And she says Hope your meeting went well with Art Vandelay? Jerry: She said what? Helen: Just what I said, here. Jerry: She knows! Oh, I am such a jackass. Helen: She knows what? Jerry: She knows the whole stupid thing. Vanessa and the elevator... Helen: No, no, no, that wont do. He may have a Z. Morty: So, how did she find out? Jerry: Because, Vanessa probably told Pamela, and Pamela probably told Elaine. Morty: So, what are you? Afraid of her? Jerry: Yes. Yes I am! (to Helen) What else did she say on the phone? Helen: Whatever I wrote down. Jerry: Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound? Helen: Who am I, Rich Little? Morty: Well, she cant be too mad. Shes still coming to the wedding. Jerry: Yeah, but now Im nervous. Helen: Oh, stop it. Jerry: Quone? Helen: ...30...31... Jerry: Quone? No, Im afraid that Im going to have to challenge that. Helen: ...32... Kramer: No, you dont have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a definite word. Jerry: I am challenging. Kramer: Quone. To quone something. Jerry: Uh-huh. Helen: Im not playing with you anymore. Morty: Quones not a word. Jerry: No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off. Helen: (to Kramer) Why did you make me put that down? Kramer: Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him. Carol: You want some funny material, you oughta come down to where I work, now that's a sitcom! Jerry: You must have quite a time down there. Carol: We got plenty of time. Jerry: Oh, Im sorry. Im just waiting for someone. Uncle Mac: Watch what you say to this guy. Hell put it in his next act! Jerry: Yeah, yeah... Uncle Mac: Jerry, did I tell you that Im writing a book? An autobiography. Jerry: Yeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it. Uncle Mac: Its based on all my experiences! Jerry: That's perfect. Jerry: Could you excuse me one second? Im sorry. Jerry: How do you do? (introducing himself) Uh, Jerry Seinfeld. Elaine: Oh, how do you do? Elaine Benes. Jerry: Um, do you want to do this now, or do you want to wait until we get in the car? Elaine: Oh no, lets do it now. Jerry: All right, the whole elevator business, let me just explain- Elaine: Okay. Artie: Jerry, were you goin with us? Jerry: No, Im gonna take my car. Artie: That's why I brought the wagon. Why the hell did I bring the wagon? Jerry: Anyway, you know why I didnt ask you, I mean I felt so uncomfortable, and you were so annoyed in the cab. Elaine: Well, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with anyone before. It was quite the spectacle. Carol: Jerry, well see you there. Bye, Elaine. Elaine: Oh, bye. Good to see you. Artie: Oh, we didnt meet. Jerry: Oh, Im sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin, Artie Levine. Artie: (correcting Jerry) Levine. Jerry: (sarcastically) Yeah, Levine. And Im Jerry Cougar Mellencamp. Anyway, I admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean, obviously we have a little problem here. Elaine: Yeah, obviously. Jerry: I mean, if were gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk about other people. Elaine: Couldn't agree more. Jerry: Good. Elaine: Good. Jerry: Good. Elaine: Great! Jerry: Great? Where do you get great? Elaine: Its great to... talk about... other people... Jerry: ...Guys? Elaine: Yeah. Jerry: Uh-huh. Yeah. So, anybody specific? Elaine: No. A general guy. Jerry: Oh really? Elaine Marie Benes... Elaine: What? No, its not a big deal. Jerry: No, that's great! That's terrific! Elaine: No, we just met... Jerry: Doesnt matter. Whats the young mans name? I would like to meet him. Elaine: Hmmm, I dont think so. Jerry: Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a labourer of some sort? Elaine: Wall street. Jerry: Ah, high finance. Bulls, Bears, people from Connecticut. Elaine: And he happens to be pretty good lookin. Jerry: (pause) All right, sir. Elaine: And... hes hilarious. Jerry: Now that's not fair! So where did you meet this guy? Elaine: I staked out his health club. Jerry: Uh huh. When you're on a stakeout, do you find its better to stand up against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant? Jerry: Y'know I think that even if you've had a relationship with someone, or lets say, especially if you've had a relationship with someone and you try to become friends afterwards, its very difficult. Isn't this? Its hard. Because, you know each other so well, you know all of each others tricks. Its like two magicians, trying to entertain each other. The one goes, Look, a rabbit. The other goes, So? I believe this is your card. Look, why dont we just saw each other in half and call it a night, okay?

Jerry: So I move into the centre lane, now I get ahead of this women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me the finger. It seems like such an arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. Its a finger, what does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and Im supposed to feel bad. Is that the way its supposed to work? I mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the finger. Cause its not easy to give someone the toe, you've gotta get the shoe off, the sock off and drive, get it up and... (Jerry pretends to drive with one foot in the air, giving the toe.) Look at that toe, buddy. (He puts his foot down.) I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe, isn't it? Jerry: Is that it? Got the cue tips, got the mini-umbrella, something boring to read on the plane. (Jerry zips his bag ceremoniously.) That's it. Done! Elaine: (claps her hands) That is the single greatest packing performance I have ever seen. Jerry: (proudly) I am...the master packer. Elaine: (laughs) Yeah, right, you're the master packer. Jerry: What you must understand, Elaine, (picking up the umbrella) packing is no different than leading men into battle. (Jerry hits his bag rhythmically with his umbrella.) You've gotta know the strengths and weaknesses of every soldier in that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks. Elaine: (raising her hand) Scuse me, master packer... Jerry: Yes. Elaine: Just gimme your keys. Jerry: All right, sir. (He tosses Elaine his keys. The apartment buzzer goes off; Jerry presses the first button; to the intercom) George? George: (from the intercom) Yeah. Elaine: Okay, so, now, is there anything else I need to know about this place? Jerry: Uh, yeah, the, uh, hot water takes a little while to come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all your shopping, you come back and take a shower. Elaine: Okay, this is quite a place. Jerry: Theres more. The refrigerator. Jerry: Deduct a minimum of two days off all expiration dates. (He uses the umbrella to point to certain compartments in the fridge.) No meat, no leftovers, no butter. (He closes the fridge.) And I cannot overstate this No soft cheeses of any kind. Is that clear? Elaine: Ill eat out. Jerry: One more thing, Benes, regarding sexual activity Strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a big favour. Do it in the tub. George: (to Jerry) Ready? Jerry: Yeah, one sec. George: Hey, Elaine. Elaine: Hi. George: Coming to the airport with us? Elaine: No, Im staying here for the weekend. Im getting a break from my roommate. George: Oh, the actress-waitress? Elaine: No, the waitress-actress. She just got some part in some dinner theater production of A Chorus Line. So, now all day long shes walking around the apartment singing, God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it! Shes gonna get it right in her... George: So just kick her out. Elaine: Shes on the lease! George you have got to find another place for me. George: Yeah, well...a little rough finding something good in your price-range. (to Jerry) But you, my friend, may be in luck. Jerry: Im not looking. George: No no no, this ones different. This ones a beauty! Jerry: Yeah, whats it like? George: I haven't seen it yet, but its a two-bedroom, its on the uh, west 83rd, bout a half block from the park? Jerry: How much? George: Uh, twice what you're payin here, but its a great building. Its two bedrooms! Jerry: Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough trouble maintaining activity in one. (George gives Elaine a look while Jerrys back is turned. Jerry turns around.) I saw that. Elaine: You oughta at least take a look at it. Jerry: Really? Why? Elaine: Cause then I could move in here. Jerry: Ohhhh... Elaine: Its time you got outta here anyway. George: Yeah, tell im. But quickly, Im double parked here. Elaine: Listen, Jerry, this place is falling apart. You have no hot water, you cant have soft cheese... George: Lets not forget the radiator. The steam has been on here for ten years. No human can turn this off. Elaine: Jerry, come on, you're doin okay now. You should at least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live like this. Jerry: Like this? You just said you wanted to live here. Elaine: Well, for me its a step up. Its like moving from Iceland to Finland. George: Jerry, what do you, you wanna, you wanna see the place or not? Jerry: I cant think about it now. Come on, Im going to Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend. Jerry: Elaine. (Jerry puts his bags down, sits down on the couch, picks up the remote control and points it at the spot the TV usually occupies. The TV is not there. He continues to point the remote at random things around the room, searching for the TV.) ELAINE! Elaine: (from the bathroom) JERRY! (Elaine enters the living-room.) Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows? Jerry: Great, I had fun. Wheres the TV, wheres the VCR? Jerry: What? Elaine: They were stolen. Jerry: Stolen? When? Elaine: A couple a hours ago. The police are coming right over. Jerry: Stolen? Elaine: (looking at Kramer) Someone left the door open. Jerry: (to Kramer) You left the door open?! Kramer: Uh, Jer, well you know, I was cookin and I, I uh, I came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, cause I was gonna bring the spatula right back! Jerry: Wait, you left the lock open or the door open? Kramer: (guiltily) The door. Jerry: The door? You left the door open? Kramer: Yeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula right back. Jerry: Yeah, and? Kramer: Well, I got caught up... watching a soap opera. The Bold And The Beautiful. Jerry: So the door was wide open? Kramer: Wide open! Jerry: (to Elaine) And where were you? Elaine: I was at Bloomingdales... waiting for the shower to heat up. Kramer: Look, Jerry, Im sorry, Im uh- you have insurance, right buddy? Jerry: No. Kramer: (shocked) How can you not have insurance? Jerry: Because I spent my money on the Clapgo D-29. Its the most impenetrable lock on the market today. It has only one design flaw. The door... (Jerry pushes the door shut.) ...MUST BE CLOSED!! Kramer: Jerry! Im gonna find your stuff. Im gonna solve it, Im on the case, buddy, Im on the case. Jerry: Yeah, dont investigate, dont pay me back, it was an accident. Kramer: (theatrical) I made a mistake. Elaine: These things happen. Kramer: Im human. Jerry: In your way. Policeman: Lets see, that's, one TV, a stereo, one leather jacket, a VCR and a computer...is that bout it? Elaine: Answering machine. Jerry: (disappointed) Answering machine. (jovially) Oh, I hate the idea of somebody out there returning my calls. Policeman: What do you mean? Jerry: Its a joke. Policeman: I see. Well, mister Seinfeld uh, well look into it and uh, well let you know if we uh, you know, if we find anything. Jerry: You ever find anything? Policeman: No. Jerry: Well, thanks anyway. Policeman: You bet. Elaine: I didnt get that joke either. Jerry: The crook has the machine. The messages arent for him. Hes the crook. Why would he answer- (Jerry gives up on the explanation and turns around to see George standing behind him.) How did you get in here? George : I walked in, your lobby door is broken again. Jerry: Again? George: I dont know how you put up with this. Elaine: Yeah, tell im George. Jerry: (to Elaine) You would still wanna move in here? Elaine: Yes! You dont understand. Im living with Ethel Merman without the talent. Jerry: (to George) Is that uh, other apartment still available? Jerry: I got ripped off for about the...18th time? And now, the first couple a times you go through it, its very upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will say, Call the police. You really should call the police. So you think to yourself, you know, you watch TV, you think, Yeah, Im calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts... Im gonna see some real action. Right, you think that. So, the police come over to your house, they fill out The Report. They give you Your Copy. Now, unless they give the crook his copy, I dont really think were gonna crack this case, do you? Its not like Batman, where theres three crooks in the city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. Did you lose a sony? It could be the Penguin. I think we can round him up, hes dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him, hes a PENGUIN! Elaine: Oh, well, come on. This is an apartment, this is a home! This is a place to live. Oooh, a fireplace, are you kidding me! Does this work? George: I didnt know there was a fireplace. A fireplace, that's incredible. Jerry: How do you get all that wood in here? Elaine: They deliver it. Jerry: They deliver wood? Elaine: Yeah. Jerry: What do you tip a wood guy? George: I didnt know there was a fireplace. Elaine: Look! Look at- look at this! Theres a garden. George: A garden! I cant believe theres a garden! Jerry: Would I have to get a gardener? Elaine: Yeah, you can get a gardener. Jerry: You tip him? Elaine: You can. George: (to Elaine) You dont tip a gardener! Elaine: You can tip a gardener. George: You dont need a gardener. Elaine: Jerry, you can barbecue back here. Jerry: They deliver the coal? Elaine: Sure, its...probably the same guy, who delivers the wood. Jerry: Oh, then I gotta tip him. Elaine: Oh, damn, this place is incredible, look at all this great light! Jerry: I dont have any plants. George: I have plants. (snorts) Elaine: Jerry, look at this closet! Look at this! Im walking in it! (Elaine walks into the closet.) Its a walk-in. Can you believe it? Im nuts about this, what do you think? Jerry: I like that. (He opens the closet. Elaine walks out with an angry look.) What do you think, George? George: Its your decision. Jerry: Im takin it, Im takin the place. Im gonna take it, this is gonna be my new place. Im livin here...Im movin. Elaine: (laughing with joy) Your movin? That means Im movin. (She hugs Jerry.) Geeeeee (to George) isn't that incredible! George: (unenthusiastic) Congratulations. Elaine: What about the couch? Jerry: You like the couch? Ill tell you what Im gonna do. Elaine: What? Jerry: You're movin in, you're a good friend, I wanna start you off on the right foot. Give me...a hundred and fifty dollars. (Elaine is shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall.) Get it outta here right now, take it out the door, I dont even wanna see it, go, get it out. Elaine: A hundred and fifty dollars? A hundred and fifty dollars for what? For this couch? Jerry: Yeah! Elaine: For this couch?! Jerry: Okay, you tell me. What is it worth? Elaine: Okay, uh, Ill tell you what. I could go as high as uh... (She takes a closer look at couch.) I dont know, maybe...twenty dollars? Jerry: Yeah? George: (from the intercom) Yeah, its George. Jerry: Come on up. (Jerry presses the second button and opens the apartment door. He walks back to the couch.) Oh, all right, forget it, Im gonna take it with me now... (He picks up the cushions.) Im just gonna pack up the cushions right now... Elaine: Okay okay okay okay, you win. Forty dollars. Jerry: (continuing unphased) You wanna get the other end, cause I wanna get it in the hall. Elaine: Fifty dollars, okay? Fifty dollars, is that all right? Jerry: Fifty dollars? Elaine: Uh-huh. Jerry: Thank you very much. Elaine: Thank you very much. George: Hey, whats goin on? Elaine: I just bought Jerrys couch for fifty dollars. Jerry: (to George) So did you bring the lease? (George takes the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry.) All right, gee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time. George: (frantic) Oh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry, listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all, at all. Do not feel like you have to take it. Jerry: Why? George: If you're having second thoughts, if you didnt want it, dont worry about it because uh, you know, I, I...I could take it, you know. Jerry: You could take it? You want it? George: No, I dont want it. I want it, if you dont want it. Jerry: So you do want it. George: No I, I want it if you dont want it. Jerry: You just said you wanted it! George: No, Im saying, if a situation arose in which you didnt want it, I might take it. Jerry: So take it. George: How can I take it? Jerry: How can I take it? George: Its your apartment! Jerry: How can I want it now, if you want it? Elaine: Excuse me, uh, I dont mean to cause any trouble here, but George, if you take it, can I take your place? George: Yes, but I am not taking it. Jerry: I...am not taking it. Elaine: Well, one of you better damn well take it! Jerry: Well, whaddaya wanna do here? George: I, I dont know. Jerry: Do you wanna flip a coin? George: Who flips? You'll flip, Ill call. Jerry: Okay, fine. (Jerry takes a coin from his pocket.) This is the official flip. No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and that's it. Agreed? George: Im good. Elaine: I dont know, who to root for, Georges place has carpeting. Jerry: All right, now you call it in the air. George: No catchin. Jerry: No no. George: Flip it. George: Heads! Jerry: Tails! George: No, it hit the table, it hit the table. Jerry: So what? George: Interference! You cant count that! Come on, are you crazy?! The coin cannot touch anything, it affects it. Jerry: You didnt call no interference! George: You dont have to call that! That's a rule! Jerry: I dont believe this. George: Oh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you win. Take it, just take it! Jerry: I dont wanna win it like this! Elaine, what do you think? Elaine: Id better not. Jerry: Well, Ill tell you what. Ill choose you for it. Straight choose, three takes it, no disputes...that's it, you gotta win three. George: Okay. (They walk around each other.) OK. Ill choose you. Whaddaya want? Jerry: Odds. George: I want evens. Jerry: Good. George: You got odds. Jerry: You got evens. George: Right, ready? Jerry: For the apartment. Both: Once, twice, three, shoot! Jerry: Mine! Both: Once, twice, three, shoot! Jerry: Mine! Both: Once, twice, three, shoot! George: Mine! Both: Once, twice, three, shoot! George: Congratulations...congratulations. Jerry: Thanks. George: I'm just gonna...wash. (George walks to the bathroom; screaming) WHY DID I PUT UP TWO? WHY DID I PUT UP TWO? Kramer: Jerry, I think Im on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the Englishman who lives down the hall? Jerry: Yeah. Kramer: The last couple a days hes been acting very strange. I think hes avoiding me. Jerry: Hard to imagine. Kramer: Yeah! And get this I just got off the elevator with him and I tested him, I tested him, like I...this is what I said to him, like I, I was like this, I went, Oh, by the way, I know about the stuff. Kramer: ..you know, very casually, Jerry: Right. Kramer: (cont'd) so that he was gonna take me into his confidence. Elaine: So what did he say? Kramer: What stuff? Jerry: Ooh, (to Elaine) case closed! Kramer: No, you dont understand, you see, he swallowed. See, the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something! Now, Im gonna go over there, Im gonna borrow some tea. If I dont get back in five minutes, maybe youd better call the police. Jerry: Okay, starting...NOW! Kramer: Yeah! Jerry: One of the problems in life is that when you're a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements. And those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main ways that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them says, I got the front seat I wanted the front seat! I called it. And the other kid knows hes got nothing to say He called it. What can I do? If there was a Kid Court Of Law, it holds up. Your Honour, my client did ask for the front seat And the judge would go, Did he call it? Well no, he didnt call- BANG! (Jerry imitates a judge banging his gavel.) He has to call it, case closed. Objection overruled. George: I love the mirror in that bathroom! I dont know what in the hell it is. I look terrific in that mirror. (George sits.) I dont know if its the tile or the lighting... I feel like Robert Wagner. Jerry: Its a good mirror. (They look at their menus.) So, what are you gettin? George: I dont know, I cant eat. You, you cant have anything anymore. Look at this, look at this. Eggs out. Coffee out. French fries out. BLT out! I go to visit my grandparents three big brisket sandwiches, Im sittin here with a carrot! They're closing in on a hundred, Im sayin to them, How can you eat that stuff? (They look at their menus again.) Im so sick about losin that choose, you dont know. Jerry: All right, forget it, forget it. Im not taking the place! George: What?! Jerry: How can I live there? George: Why not?! Jerry: Look at you, you're still thinking about it. Ill never feel comfortable. George: Oh, get outta here. Jerry: How can I ever have you over? You'll sit there moping. George: I wont mope. Jerry: You're already moping! Would you take the place? George: No, impossible! Its your apartment. Jerry: You found the place. George: You won the choose. Jerry: All right, forget it, its over, Im not moving. George: Well, me neither. Jerry: Definitely? George: Definitely. Jerry: Alright, then just get rid of it. You wont have any problem. George: No, its not a problem, I can get rid of the apartment this afternoon. Carol: What apartment? George: Oh, its a great place, its uh two-bedroom uh, west 83rd bout half block from the park. Carol: Whats the rent? George: I dont know, what were doin here, this is ridiculous. Jerry: She wanted to thank us for the apartment. Elaine: I cant believe I lost the deposit on that U-Haul. And I threw out my couch. Jerry: If only the coin hadn't hit the table. George: The table is interference, you know it! Jerry: It is not! George: It is too! Elaine: My roommate starts rehearsal tonight on Carousel. Carol: Hi. George: Hi, Carol. Carol: I just wanted to introduce you to my husband, this is Larry. Carol: This is George, Elaine and Jerry. These are the guys who got us the apartment. Larry: Oh, you dont know how grateful I am, if theres anything I can ever do to repay you, I, I mean, were just so thrilled with this place. Carol: Its a dream. Larry: Im running in the park now, Ive lost weight, were barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable. George: Were really glad for you. Elaine: Couldn't be happier. Jerry: Its wonderful. Carol: Diane, Diane, come here. Carol: This is my new next door neighbour, Diane. Carol: (to Diane) These are the guys, who turned this place down, can you believe it? (to Jerry, George and Elaine) Diane gave me the greatest backrub today. Shes a masseuse! Diane: How, how could you guys have turned this place down, its such a great location and its...so close to the park. George: Were aware of the proximity to the park, yes. Diane: Well, it was nice to meet you. George: Nice meeting you. Jerry: How late are the stores open? Im thinking of maybe uh, buying a new TV and smash it over my head. Man #1: I get a call from Gilmour this morning, and get this they're restructuring the organization in Atlanta and I gotta be there on the first of the month. Man #2: Really? What are you gonna bout the apartment? Man #1: Well, what can I do? Give it up. Jerry, George & Elaine: Whats the rent?

Jerry: Most men like working on things. Tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guys out in his driveway working on something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering out of the house like zombies. Men, its true, men hear a drill, its like a dog whistle. Just... (his head perks up) you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, Honey, I think Jims working on something over there. So they run over to the guy. Now they dont actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. That's what men want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, What are you using, a Phillips-head? You know, we feel involved. That's why when they have construction sites, they have to have those wood panel fences around it, that's just to keep the men out. They cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But if they dont cut those holes, we are climbing those fences. Right over there. What are you using the steel girders down there? Yeah, that'll hold. George: I had to say something. (chuckles) I had to say something. Everything was going so well. I had to say something. Jerry: I dont think you did anything wrong. George: I told her I liked her. Why? Why did I tell her I like her? I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel. I like you I dont tell you. Jerry: We can only thank God for that. George: Im outta the picture. I am outta the picture. (laughs) Its only a matter of time now. Jerry: You're imagining this. Really. George: Oh, no. No no no no. George: Ill tell you when it happened. When that floss came flying out of my pocket. Jerry: What floss? When? George: We were in the lobby during the intermission of the play. I was buying her one of those containers of orange drink, for five dollars. I reached into my pocket to pay for it, I looked down; theres this piece of green floss hanging from my fingers. Jerry: Ah, mint. George: Of course. So, Im looking at it. I look up, I see shes looking at it. Our eyes lock. It was a horrible moment. I just.. Jerry: So let me get this straight. She saw the floss, you panicked and you told her you liked her. George: If I didnt put that floss in my pocket, Id be crawling around her bedroom right now looking for my glasses. Jerry: And you're sure the floss was the catalyst? George: Yes, I am. Jerry: You dont think it might've had anything to do with that? George: What? You dont like this? Jerry: It looks like your belt is digesting a small animal. Kramer: (to the phone) Oh, they've got a cure for cancer. See, its all big business. Oh hey, Jerry just walked in. Hi, George. (to the phone again) Yeah yeah yeah yeah take my number. 555-8643. Okay, here he is. Jerry: (to Kramer) Who is it? Kramer: Take it. Jerry: Who is it? Kramer: Its for you. Jerry: (to the phone) Hello? (disappointed) Oh, hi Joel. (Jerry hits Kramer with a magazine.) No. Uh, I was out of town. I just got back. Kramer doesnt know anything. Hes just my next-door neighbor. Uh, nothing much... Tuesday? Uh, Tuesday, no. Im meeting somebody... Uh, Wednesday? Wednesdays okay... All right. Uh, Im a little busy right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning?... Okay... Yeah... Right... Thanks... Bye. (Jerry hangs up; to Kramer) Why did you put me on the phone with him? I hate just being handed a phone. Kramer: Well, its your phone. He wanted to talk to you. Jerry: Maybe I didnt want to talk to him. Kramer: Well, why not? Jerry: He bothers me. I dont even answer the phone anymore because of him. Hes turned me into a screener. Now I gotta go see him on Wednesday. George: What do you mean Wednesday? I though we had tickets to the Knick game Wednesday. We got seats behind the bench! What happened? Were not going? Jerry: Were going. That's next Wednesday. George: Oh. Who is this guy? Jerry: His name is Joel Horneck. He lived like three houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten. I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table. Hes so self-involved. Kramer: That's for me. (to the phone) Kramerica Industries. Oh, hi, Mark. No no no. Forget that. I got a better idea. A pizza place where you make your own pie... Jerry: Can you conduct your business elsewhere? Kramer: (ignoring Jerry) No no no. Im talking about a whole chain of em. Yeah. George: I dont know why you even bother with this ping pong guy, Ill tell you that. Jerry: I dont bother with him. Hes been calling me for seven years. Ive never called him once! Hes got the attention span of a five-year-old. Sometimes I sit there and I make up things just to see if hes paying attention. George: I dont understand why you spend time with this guy. Jerry: What can I do? Break up with him? Tell him, I dont think were right for each other. Hes a guy! At least with a woman, theres a precedent. You know, the relationship goes sour, you end it. George: No no no no, you have to approach this as if he was a woman. Jerry: Just break up with him? George: Absolutely. You just tell him the truth. Jerry: The Truth. Jerry: As a guy I dont know how I can break up with another guy. You know what I mean? I dont know how to say, Bill, I feel I need to see other men. Do you know what I mean? Theres nothing I can do. I have to wait for someone to die. I think that's the only way out of this relationship. It could be a long time. See, the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends just because they're two guys. That's almost all we need to have in common. Cause sports sports and women is really all we talk about. If there was no sports and no women the only thing guys would ever say is, So, whats in the refrigerator? Joel: ...so my shrink wants me to bring my mother in for a session. This guy is a brilliant man. Lenny Bruce used to go to him. And I think, uh, Geraldo. Jerry: You know, I read the Lenny Bruce biography, I thought it was really... interesting. He would- Joel: (to the counter of the restaurant) Hey hey hey hey, were starving here! Weve been waiting here for ten minutes already! Jerry: (testing Joel) So, Im thinking about going to Iran this summer. Joel: I have to eat! I mean, Im hypoglycemic. Jerry: Anyway, the Hizballah has invited me to perform. (Joel shakes his head agreeing; Jerry smiles) You know, its their annual terrorist luncheon. Joel: Yeah. Jerry: (cont'd) Im gonna do it in Farsi. Joel: Do you think I need a haircut? Claire: Are you ready? Jerry: Yeah, Ill have the egg salad on whole wheat. Joel: (to the waitress) Let me ask you a question. This, uh, this turkey sandwich here, is that real turkey, or is it a turkey roll? I dont want that processed turkey. (to Jerry) I hate it. Waitress: I think its real turkey. Joel: Is there a real bird in the back? Waitress: No, theres not bird but- Joel: Well, how do you know for sure? Look, why dont you do me a favor. Why dont you go in the back and find out, okay? (The waitress leaves.) Unbelievable. Jerry: How can you talk to someone like that? Joel: What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll? Jerry: Listen, Joel. Theres something I have to tell you... Joel: (laughing) Wait, you'll never guess who I ran into. Jerry And Joel: Howard Metro. Joel: He asked me if I still saw you. I said, Sure, I see him all the time. Were still great friends. Anyway, Howard says hello. (laughs) Jerry: Listen, Joel, I dont think we should see each other anymore. Joel: What? Jerry: This friendship Its not working. Joel: Not working? What are you talking about? Jerry: Were just not suited to be friends. Joel: How can you say that? Jerry: Look, you're a nice guy, its just that... we dont have anything in common. Joel: (starting to cry) Wai-Wait. What did I do? Tell me. I want to know what I did. Jerry: Y-You didnt do anything. Its not you, its me. Its- this is very difficult. Joel: Look, I know I call you too much, right? I mean, I know you're a very busy guy. Jerry: No, its not that. Joel: (crying) You're one of the few people I can talk to. Jerry: Oh, come on. That's not true. Joel: I always tell everybody about you. Tell everybody to (to the rest of the coffee shop) GO SEE HIS SHOW! (to Jerry) I mean, Im your biggest fan! Jerry: I know, I know. Joel: I mean, you're my best friend. Jerry: Best friend- Ive never been to your apartment. Joel: I cannot believe that this is happening. I cant believe it. Jerry: Okay, okay. Forget it. Its okay. I didnt mean it. Joel: Didnt mean what? Jerry: What I said. Ive been under a lot of stress. Joel: Oh, you've been under a lot of stress. Jerry: Just, can we just forget the whole thing ever happend? Im sorry. I didnt mean it. I took it out on you. Were still friends. Were still friends. Still friends. Okay? Look, Ill tell you what. Ive got Knick tickets this Wednesday. Great seats behind the bench. You want to come with me? Come on. Joel: Tonight? Jerry: No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight, I would've said tonight. Joel: Do you really want me to go? Jerry: (lying) Yes. Joel: Okay. (Jerry gives him some napkins to clean himself up) Yeah, okay. Great! That would be, thatd be great. So, next Wednesday. Jerry: Next Wednesday. Joel: Where is that waitress? (to the counter) Hey! George: ...she calls me up at my office Jerry: Yeah. George: (cont'd) she says, We have to talk. Jerry: Ugh, the four worst words in the English language. George: That, or Who'sbra is this? Jerry: That is worse. George: So we order lunch, and were talking. Finally, she blurts out how its not working. Jerry: Really. George: So, Im thinking, as shes saying this, Im thinking great, the relationships over. But the egg salads on the way. So now I have a decision Do I walk or do I eat? Jerry: Hm. You ate. George: We sat there for twenty minutes, chewing, staring at each other in a defunct relationship. Jerry: Someone says, Get out of my life, and that doesnt affect your appetite? George: Have you ever had their egg salad? Jerry: It is unbelievable. George: Its unbelievable. You know what else is unbelievable? I picked up the check. She didnt even offer. She ended it. The least she could do is send me off with a sandwich. Jerry: How much could you possibly have in there? George: Its my money. What should I do? Throw it out the window? I know a guy who took his vacation on his change. Jerry: Yeah? Where'd he go, to an arcade? George: (sarcastically) That's funny. You're a funny guy. Jerry: Cmon, move up. Customer: Oh great, Ewings hurt. George: Ewings hurt? How long is he going to be out? Customer: A couple of days at the most but... George: Geez. Jerry: Oh, God. George: I got scared there for a second. The Knicks without Ewing. Jerry: Listen, George, little problem with the game. George: What about it? Jerry: The thing is, yesterday, I kind of.. uh.. George: What? Jerry: I gave your ticket to Horneck. George: (not believing him) You what?! Jerry: Yeah, Im sorry. I had to give it to Horneck. George: No! My ticket?! You gave my ticket to Horneck? Jerry: Cmon, cmon, go ahead, move up. George: Why did you give him my ticket for? Jerry: You didnt see him. It was horrible. George: Oh, cmon, Jerry. I cant believe this. Jerry: I had to do it. George: Oh, please. (to the teller) Can you change this into bills? Teller: Im sorry, sir. We cant do that. Jerry: Do you want to go with him? You go. I dont mind. George: Im not going with him. I dont even know the guy. (to the teller) Look, they did this for me before. Teller: Look, I can give you these and you can roll them yourself. George: You want me to roll six thousand of these?! What, should I quit my job?! Jerry: No, I do not like the bank. Ive heard the expression Laughing all the way to the bank. I have never seen anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate it when theres nobody on the line at all, you know that part, you go to the bank, its empty and you still have to go through the little maze. (walking on the stage like he is going through a maze) Can you get a little piece of cheese for me? Im almost at the front. Id like a reward for this please. George: ...thirty-two, thirty-three- Jerry: George. George: Not now. Jerry: Could you stop the counting? George: Nnnnnnngaaa! George: What?! Jerry: Can I make it up to you? Ill give you fifty bucks for the jug. George: Oh, yeah, sure. Keep your money. Jerry: Well, then Im not going to the game either. Okay? Ill give him both tickets. George: Oh geeeee. (George pantomimes sticking a knife in his heart, and twists it.) Go, go! Jerry: I- no, I dont want to go. George: He was really crying? Jerry: I had to give him a tissue. In fact, let me call his machine now and Ill just make up some excuse why I cant go to the game either. George: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. As long as you're going to lie to the guy, why dont you tell him that you lost both of the tickets, then we can go? Jerry: George, the man wept. Kramer: Oh, hey guys. Man, Im telling you, this pizza idea, is really going to happen. George: This is the thing where you go and you have to make your own pizza? Kramer: Yeah, we give you the dough, you smash it, you pound it, you fling it in the air. And then you get to put your sauce and you get to sprinkle your cheese, and then- you slide it into the oven. George: You know, you have to know how to do that. You cant have people shoving their arms into a six-hundred degree oven! Kramer: Its all supervised. George: Oh, well... Kramer: All of it. You want to invest? George: My moneys all tied up in change right now. Kramer: No, Im tellin you, people, they really want to make their own pizza pie. Jerry: I-I have to say something. With all due respect, I just never- I cant imagine anyone in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie... but that's me. Alright Kramer: That's you. Jerry: Im just saying..Alright. Kramer: Okay, okay. I just wanted to check with you guys. Jerry: Okay. Kramer: You know, this business is going to be big. I just wanted- okay. Kramer: One day, you'll beg me to make your own pie. Jerry: (to the phone) Hi, Joel. This is Jerry. I hope you get this before you- Oh, Hi. Joel... Oh, you just came in... Listen, I cant make it to the game tonight... I, uh, have to tutor my nephew... Yeah, hes got an exam tomorrow... Geometry... You know, trapezoids, rhombus... Anyway, listen, you take the tickets. They're at the Will-Call window... And Im really sorry... Have a good time... Well talk next week... Okay... Yeah, I dont... Fine.. Fine... Bye. George: Trapezoid? Jerry: I know. Im really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some kind of excuse rolodex. Elaine: Come on, lets go do something. I dont wanna just sit around here. Jerry: Okay. Elaine: Want to go get something to eat? Jerry: Where do you want to go? Elaine: I dont care, Im not hungry. Jerry: We could go to one of those uh cappuccino places. They let you just sit there. Elaine: What are we gonna do there? Talk? Jerry: We could talk. Elaine: Ill go if I dont have to talk. Jerry: Then well just sit there. Elaine: Okay. Im gonna check my machine first. (Elaine sees a pad of paper by the phone; reading) Picking someone up at the airport, jury duty, waiting for cable guy... Jerry: Okay, just hand that over, please. Elaine: Oh, what is this? Jerry: Its a list of excuses, its for that guy, Horneck, whos at the game tonight with my tickets. I have that list now so in case he calls, I just consult it and I dont have to see him. (Elaine laughs.) I need it. (Elaine starts writing on the list.) What are you doing? Elaine: I got some for you. Jerry: I dont need any more. Elaine: No no no no no, these are good. Listen, listen You ran out of underwear, you cant leave the house. Jerry: (not amused) Very funny. Elaine: How about You've been diagnosed as a multiple personality. You're not even you. You're Dan. Jerry: Im Dan. Can I have my list back, please? Elaine: Here, here. Jerry Seinfeld, I cannot believe you're doing this. This is absolutely infantile. Jerry: What can I do? Elaine: Deal with it. Be a man! Jerry: Oh no. That's impossible. Id rather lie to him for the rest of my life that go through that again. He was crying. Tears. Accompanied by mucus. Elaine: You made a man cry? Ive never made a man cry. I even kicked a guy in the groin once and he didnt cry. I got the cab. Jerry: Couple of tough monkeys. Kramer: Oh, hi Elaine, hey. (to Jerry) Hey, you missed a great game tonight, buddy! Jerry: Game? Kramer: Knick game. Horneck took me. We were sitting two rows behind the bench. We're getting hit by sweat! Jerry: Wait. How does Horneck know you? Kramer: Last week. When I, you know, gave you the phone. Hes really into my pizza place idea! Jerry: This is too much. Elaine: Wait, what pizza place idea? Jerry: Oh, no. Kramer: You get to make your own pie! Elaine: Oh, that sounds like a great idea. It would be fun. Kramer: Yea. Joel: (from the hallway) Kramer. Kramer: Yeah. Jerry: Perfect. Joel: Hey. Kramer: Okay, who wants meatloaf? Jerry & Elaine: No thanks. Kramer: (to Joel) Its gonna be hot in a minute. Joel: So, I though you were tutoring your nephew? Jerry: Oh, we finished early. Joel: M-hm, Ill bet. So, are you going to introduce me to your nephew? Jerry: Elaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck. Elaine: Hi. Joel: Whoa, Nelson! This is Elaine? I though you guys split? Jerry: Were still friends. Joel: So, thanks again for those tickets. But next week, Im going to take you. How about next Tuesday night? (to Elaine) And why dont you come along? Elaine: Oh, no no. Tuesdays uh no good becasue weve got choir practice. Jerry: Right. I forgot about choir. Elaine: We-Were doing that evening of Eastern European National Anthems. Jerry: Right. You know, the Wall being down and everything. Joel: What about Thursday night? I mean they're playing the Sonics. Elaine: Huh... Thursday is no good because weve got to get to the hospital to see if we qualify as those organ donors. Joel: You know, I should really try something like that. Jerry: You really should. Joel: Well, lets just take a look here. Joel: Forty-one home games. Let's see saturday night weve got the Mavericks. If you dont like the Mavericks, next Tuesday Lakers. I mean, you gotta like Magic, right? Lets see, on the road, on the road, on the road, on the road, back on the fourteenth. They play the Bulls. You cant miss Air Jordan... Jerry: You know, I really... Ive come to the conclusion that there are certain friends in your life that they're just always your friends, and you have to accept it. You see them, you dont really wanna see them. You dont call them, they call you. You dont call back, they call again. The only way to get through talking with people that you dont really have anything in common with is to pretend you're hosting your own little talk show. This is what I do. You pretend theres a little desk around you. The only problem with this is theres no way you can say, Hey, its been great having you on the show. Were out of time.

Jerry: Went out to dinner the other night. Check came at the end of the meal, as it always does. Never liked the check at the end of the meal system, because moneys a very different thing before and after you eat. Before you eat, money has no value. And you dont care about money when you're hungry. You sit down at a restaurant, you're like the ruler of an empire. More drinks, appetizers, quickly, quickly! It will be the greatest meal of our lives. Then after the meal, you know, you've got the pants open, you've got the napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes. Then the check comes at that moment. People are always upset, you know. They're mystified by the check. What is this? How could this be? They start passing it around the table, Does this look right to you? Were not hungry now. Why are we buying all this food? Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor. George: I never heard him say anything really funny. Jerry: But its common sense. Hes got super strength, super speed. Im sure hes got super humor. George: You would think that, but either you're born with a sense of humor, or you're not. Its not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth. Jerry: Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth? George: I dont know. But he aint funny. Elaine: I know, I know. Im sorry Im late. Jerry: No problem. Elaine: I dropped a grape. George: Pardon? Elaine: I dropped a grape in the kitchen and it disappeared. I couldn't find it. I was, I was literally on my knees for ten minutes looking for this stupid grape. I have no idea where it went. Jerry: Were you crying? I mean, its just a grape. You'll find it. Elaine: No, Im just getting over an allergy attack. This guy Im going out with... Jerry: Robert. Elaine: Robert. Yes. Thank you. He has two cats and Im allergic to them. You know, I finally meet a normal man, and I cant even go into his apartment, you know. And, of course, my apartment is the actors studio so we cant go there. Its really causing a lot of problems, you know. He wont even go away for the weekend because of these cats. George: Guys with cats... I dont know. Jerry: Ive been thinking about asking this girl Im, uh, seeing- Elaine: Vanessa. Jerry: Vanessa, thank you. Ive been thinking about asking her to go away for a couple of days. George: Oh, no. No no no no no. Id have to advise against that. What, do you know this woman a month? Lets see, you're going to be with her seventy-two hours. That's a dating decathlon. Elaine: (balancing a spoon on her nose) Hey, why dont you take her to that place in Vermont I was telling you about? You know, that really charming place with the separate faucets for the hot and cold. Shell love it. George: That's exquisite. Listen, uh, if its not too much trouble, could you pass me that paper over there? Jerry: You better find that grape before it mutates into another life form. There was once a mutant grape that terrorized an entire town in the Texas panhandle. They brought in the army, nobody could stop it. Apparently it had a pit of steel. George: Up again?! This is incredible! Im.. Im getting it. Elaine: You're getting what? George: A stock. Jerry: What stock? George: Did you ever meet my friend, Simons? Jerry: Maybe. George: He knows this guy, Wilkinson. He made a fortune in the stock market. Now hes got some new thing. You know, theres supposed to be a big merger. He wasnt even supposed to say anything. You guys should think about doing this too. Jerry: How highs it suppose to go? George: I dont know. But Simons said that if I wanted to get involved, that Wilkinson would tell me the exact right minute to sell. You wanna do it? Jerry: Boy... I dont know. Elaine: Id do it but I dont have any money. Jerry: What kind of company is it? George: Its called Sendrax. Theyve got some new kind of technique for televising opera. Elaine: Televising opera? George: Some sort of electronic thingy. Jerry: Well, how much are you going to invest? George: Five thousand... Ten. Ten thousand. Five thousand. Jerry: Boy... George: Cmon. Wilkinsons got millions invested in this stock. Its gone up three points since Ive been watching it. Jerry: What if I lose it? George: Cmon, go for twenty-five hundred. Well do it together. Come on, come on. Were in it together. Jerry: All right. Twenty-five hundred. George: That's it. Waitress: Yeah, can I take your order? George: (Gesturing to Jerry) Check the raiser. Jerry: My bet? All right. Ill open with a tuna sandwich. Elaine: Tuna? Jerry: Oh, the dolphin thing? Elaine: They're dying in the nets. Jerry: Ohhh... You know, the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna. Elaine: Jerry, cant you incorporate one unselfish act in your daily routine? Jerry: Hey, when Im driving, I let people in ahead of me all the time. Im always waving everybody in. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. ...All right. All right. Ill have a chicken salad. Elaine: And Im going to have an English muffin with margarine on the side and a cup of coffee. Waitress: Okay. (To George) What about you? George: Ill have the tuna. Jerry: I have to say, those people talking behind us really ruined that movie for me. Vanessa: Why didnt you do something? Jerry: What do you want me to do? I gave the guy the half-turn. (acts like he did in the movie) Then I gave him the full-turn with the eye roll. (does the next look) I mean, beyond that, Im risking a punch in the mouth. (To a stock boy) Excuse me, do you have these in the puffs? Stock Boy: No puffs. Just flakes. Jerry : Have you thought any more about that trip? Vanessa: Yeah, Ive been thinking about it. Jerry: You know, my friend told me about this great place in Vermont. Vanessa: I dont know. I just worry about trips like this. Its a lot of pressure. Jerry: Its great! It speeds up the intimacy level. Its like putting the relationship in a time compressor. Where we would be six months from now we accomplish (snaps his fingers) three days. Vanessa: Oh, so you want to move our relationship into Phase Two? Jerry: Exactly. I love Phase Two. Extra toothbrushes, increased phone call frequency, walking around naked. You know, the presents get a lot better in Phase Two. Vanessa: Really? Could we go fishing up there? Jerry: Yeah. We can fish. What? Blues, carp, marlin? Vanessa: They have marlin in Vermont? Jerry: Oh, big fighting marlin. (Jerry acts like he is catching a marlin) Vanessa: Jerry, the stock is the same as when you checked it earlier. There are no changes after the market closes. The stock is still down. Jerry : I know. But this is a different paper. I thought maybe they have, uh, different... sources. Jerry: Is that my paper? Kramer: Bad news, my friend. Jerry: What? What news? Kramer : Sendrax. Jerry: Oh, cmon! Its down again?! Kramer: Two and a half points. Jerry: Oh, I cant believe it. Let me see that. (Jerry takes the paper.) That's four and a half points in three days! That's almost half my money! Kramer: Hey, I told you. Jerry: (sarcastic) Yeah, you told me. Kramer: Its all manipulated with junk bonds. You cant win. Jerry: Theres one thing I dont understand. Why does it please you? (to the phone) George Costanza, please. Kramer: Hey, I dont care. Im just telling you to (yelling) get rid of that stock, now! Jerry: (to the phone) George, whats going on?! Kramer: Sell it, just say Im selling! Jerry: (to the phone) Well, where is the guy?!... Nothing?! Almost half my moneys gone... Well, call me right back. (Jerry hangs up.) Nobody can reach Wilkinson. He hasnt been home or in his office in the past three days! Kramer: You know, I cant believe you put your money in that Sendrax. And you couldve invested in my roll-out tie dispenser. Jerry: Roll-out tie dispenser? What was that one? Kramer: Okay, you're in a restaurant. You've got a very big meeting coming up... Jerry: Okay... Kramer: (looks at his shirt as if he had a tie on) Oh man, you got mustard on your tie! Jerry: (going along with it) Oh No! Kramer: You just (makes the tearing sound) tear it off, and vvvvrrrpppp you got a new one right here. Then you're gone. Jerry: You're gone all right. Kramer: (Looking at map) Hey, where, where are you going? You gonna take a trip? The map... what... Jerry: Yeah, Im going to Vermont with uh Vanessa for a few days. Kramer: Hey, can I use your place? I got a bunch of friends coming over this weekend. Jerry: What friends? Kramer: Well, its just some people I met at a rock concert. (Phone rings.) Do you mind if they use your bed? (Jerry give Kramer a look.) Cause they're really good people, Jerry. Im telling you. You know, they're anarchists. They're.. they're.. they're.. huge. Jerry: George- What?! You're kidding... Well, whats wrong?... So, what are we gonna do?... Great!... All right, Ill speak to you later. (He hangs up.) Wilkinson, the guy whos supposed to tell us when to sell the stock, hes in the hospital. Jerry: So you dont know whats wrong with him? George: All Simons was able to find out is that hes in the hospital. Jerry: Okay, fine. Has Simons been in touch with him? George: Of course hes been in touch with him. Hes left two messages. He just hasnt heard back yet, that's all. Jerry: Well, this is it. Im selling. George: Just give it a little more time. Jerry: I never shouldve gotten involved in this. Im a nervous wreck. Im not cut out for investing. George: All right, all right. That's it. Im gonna go down there. Jerry: Where? George: To the hospital. Jerry: The hospital? George: Im going to find out whats going on. All right? Jerry: Are you nuts? You dont even know the guy. George: So what? Ill start talking to him, you know, casual, and Ill work my way around to it. Jerry: What if hes in an iron lung or something? What are you gonna do? (Jerry knocks on imaginary glass.) How you feeling, Mr. Wilkinson? (He makes a hissing sound.) By the way, whats happening with Sendrax? George: Maybe hes resting. Jerry: Who goes to the hospital to rest? George: What are you, a doctor? Jerry: Okay, fine, fine. When are you going down there? George: Today. Im going today. Just dont do anything until you hear from me. Jerry: All right. George: (to the woman) Boy, I have to get to a bathroom. Dry Cleaner: (to Jerry) May I help you? Jerry: Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. Its completely shrunk. Theres absolutely no way I can wear it. Dry Cleaner: When did you bring it in? Jerry: Whats the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of this shirt?! Dry Cleaner: You got a receipt? Jerry: I cant find the receipt. Dry Cleaner: You should get the receipt. Jerry: Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had the receipt- look at it! Its a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?! Dry Cleaner: Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt? Jerry: What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money? In fact, forget the money. I dont even want the money. I just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want an admission of guilt. Dry Cleaner: Maybe you asked for it to be washed. Jerry: No! Dry-cleaned. Dry Cleane: Let me explain to you something, okay? With certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing- Jerry: You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it! Dry Cleaner: (looks around making sure not too many people are listening) I shrunk it. Jerry: I think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner is so I can say to the dry cleaner, Well, its ruined. And of course, the dry cleaner can respond, Its not our fault. Were not responsible. We just ruin the clothes. That ends our legal obligation. You see, the whole problem with dry cleaning is that we all believe that this is actually possible. Th-Right? They're cleaning our clothes, but they're not getting anything wet. Its all dry. I know theres gotta be some liquids back there, some fluids that they're using. Theres no such thing as dry cleaning. When you get something on your shirt, ever get something on your shirt and try to get it off like that (Jerry brushes off his shirt.) That's dry cleaning. I dont think that's what they're doing back there. They dont have eighty guys going, Come on, hurry up! Theres a lot of shirts today! Jerry: Bless you. Elaine: Thank you. What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they're clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he cant count to ten, so dont give me hygiene. Jerry : So what are you gonna do? Elaine: I dont know. I cant think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats? Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat? Elaine: What do you think, Jerry? You wanna make twenty-eight bucks? Jerry: Im no cat killer. Elaine: How about we go over there right now and we shave them? Jerry: Id really like to go, Elaine. But, George is coming back from the hospital. I gotta wait for him. But otherwise I would definitely go. Elaine: He actually went to the hospital? Jerry: Yeah. Elaine: Oh man, hes nuts. Jerry: Yeah, hes nuts. You wanta bump off a couple of cats. (Enter Kramer, holding a paper up to Jerry.) I know, I know. Its down again. Kramer: How much are you down altogether? Jerry: I dont know.. fifteen hundred dollars. Kramer: Wow. Jerry: You dont have to say Wow. I know its Wow. (Kramer smiling) And theres that smile again. Well, what is that? (Intercom buzzes.) Its George. Kramer: Oh, look at this one by the bus stop. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this. Jerry: I really dont need to look. Kramer: What a body. Yeeaahh. That's for me. Jerry: Yeah, and you're just what shes looking for too a stranger leering through a pair of binoculars ten floors up. Kramer: Im gonna go down there and try and talk to her. Jerry: What? What? Did you go down there? (George nods.) Did he tell you whats gonna happen? (George shakes his head.) How long were you there? George: Fifteen seconds. Jerry: You told him you knew Simons? George: Yeah, I mentioned Simons. Next thing I know, Im in the parking lot. Perhaps they had some sort of a falling out. Ill tell you one thing. I dont know what hes got. But for a sick guy, hes very strong. Jerry: Well, that's it. Look, Im going to Vermont. I dont want to think about this. Im selling. Elaine: Didnt work, huh? George: (laughs) Not quite. Elaine: We-Well, what are you gonna do about the stock? George: Im keeping it. Im going down with the ship. Jerry: So I know this guy. Im getting all my sneakers at a discount now. Vanessa: I know. You mentioned it. Jerry: Oh yeah, right. Jerry: (thinking) Oh God. Get me out of here. What a mistake. What made me think this would work? And Ive still got another day! Ive got nothing left to say. Wait... wait... Got one. (to Vanessa) That's a nice watch. Do you wind it? Vanessa: No, its got a little battery. Jerry: Well, that's good. Jerry: (thinking) Well, the drive home should be a delight. Im speeding the whole way. Let them throw me in jail. I dont care. (to Vanessa) That's the manager? Do you want me to see if we can get another room? Vanessa: No, its okay. Jerry: So, I guess you dont find the separate faucets for the hot and cold, charming? Vanessa: Not especially. Jerry: Well, what do you want to do this afternoon? Vanessa: What can we do? Its raining. Jerry: We cold play Sorry! We cold play Steal the Old Mans Bundle. (Vanessa not amused; Jerry thinking) Maybe I can get an extension cord and hang myself. (to Vanessa) What kind of perfume is that you're wearing? Vanessa: Oh, you've never heard of it. Jerry: No, what? What kind is it? Vanessa: I cant tell you. Jerry: (thinking) Yeah, that's normal. (to a man nearby) Excuse me, sir. Could I have a look at that business section? Vanessa: That stock? I thought you got out of that? Jerry: I did. Im just curious. Its been almost a week. I want to check it out. (He finds the stock.) Six points? (to Vanessa) Its up six points! Vanessa: I told you not to sell. Jerry: You did not tell me not to sell. Vanessa: I said the market fluctuates. Remember? Jerry: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars! Vanessa: That's probably why we're- Jerry: What? Vanessa: Forget it. Jerry: No, what? That's probably why.. Vanessa: That's probably why were staying here, because you lost money on the stock. Jerry: (thinking) So, what am I looking at here? Twenty-nine hours to go. Well, at least I got plenty of time to find out the name of that perfume... George: (laughing) Have something else. Cmon, have a little dessert? Jerry : Im good, thanks. George: Elaine, get something! Its all taken care of. Elaine: Im kinda full. George: So dont finish it. Jerry: (acidly) Shes full. So, Big Daddy. Im just curious. How much did you clear on your little transaction there, all told? George: I dont like to discuss figures. Jerry: How much? George: I dont know, what? Eight thousand. Its a Hyundai. Get out of here. I told you not to sell. Simons made money, Wilkinson cleaned up. Jerry: So, Wilkinsons out of the hospital now? George : No. Youd be surprised. You dont recover that quickly from a nose job. Elaine: Oh god. Jerry: Is that still from the cats? Elaine: No, I just have a cold. Jerry: So, what ever happened with that? Elaine: I gave him an ultimatum. George: He chose the cats? Elaine: They're very clean animals. Jerry: I gotta say, that's pretty sad. Losing out to a cat. Elaine: Almost as bad as losing out to a perfume. George: I told you those trips were relationship killers. Too bad you cant get your buddy Superman to fly around the Earth at super speed and reverse time. Youd get all the money back, you could have avoided the whole trip to Vermont... Elaine: Superman can go back in time? Jerry: We went over that. George: Pst. (moves in close with Elaine and Jerry) Wilkinsons got a bite on a new one. Petramco Corp. Out of, uh Springfield. I think. They're about to introduce some sort of a robot butcher. Jerry: A robot butcher? George: Shhhhh. If you want to get in, theres very little time. (calling to the waitress) Sweetheart.. (Waitress approaches and tears off a check. George stops her.) No, no, no. That ought to cover it. (He hands her some money; she turns to leave; George stops her.) Just a second. Just a... let me jus-peek... (He looks at the check, then takes some money out of her hand. George urges Jerry and Elaine to eat.) Come on, come on, come on... Jerry: Im not an investor. People always tell me, you should have your money working for you. Ive decided Ill do the work. Im gonna let the money relax. You know what I mean? Cause you send your money out there working for you a lot of times, it gets fired. You go back there, What happened? I had my money. It was here, it was working for me. Yeah, I remember your money. Showing up late. Taking time off. We had to let him go.

Jerry: Im always in traffic with the lane expert. You know this type of person? Constantly reevaluating their lane choice. Never quite sure, Is this the best lane for me? For my life? They're always a little bit ahead of you, Can I get in over there? Could I get in over here? Could I get in there? Yeah, come on over here, pal. Were zoomin over here. This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it. The ultimate, I think the ultimate psychological test of traffic is the total dead stop. Not even rolling. And you look out the window, you can see gum clearly. So we know that in the future traffic will get even worse than that. I mean, what will happen? Will it start moving backwords, I wonder? I mean, is that possible? That someday well be going, (Jerry pretends hes driving in reverse.) Boy, this is some really bad traffic now, boy. This, is really bad. Im gonna try to get off and get back on going the other way. George: She cant kill me right? Jerry: No, of course not. George: People break up all the time. Jerry: Everyday. George: It just didnt work out. What can I do? I wanted to love her. I tried to love her. I couldn't. Jerry: You tried. George: I kept looking at her face. Id go, Cmon, love her. Love her! Jerry: Did you tell her you loved her? George: Oh, I had no choice. She squeezed it out of me! Shed tell me she loved me. All right, at first, I just look at her. Id go, Oh, really? Or uh, Boy, that's, that's something. But, eventually you have to come back with, Well, I love you. You know, you can only hold out for so long. Jerry: You're a human being. George: And I didnt even ask her out. She asked me out first. She called me up. What was I supposed to do? Say no? (laughs) I cant do that to someone. Jerry: You're too nice a guy. George: I am. Im a nice guy. And she seduced me! We were in my apartment, Im sitting on the couch, shes on the chair. I get up to go to the bathroom, I come back, shes on the couch. What am I supposed to do? Not do anything? I couldn't do that. I would've insulted her. Jerry: You're flesh and blood. George: I had nothing to do wtih any of this! I met all her friends, I didnt want to meet them. I kept trying to avoid it. I knew it would only get me in deeper. But they were everywhere! They kept popping up all over the place. This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy, this is my cousin, this is my brother, this is my father... Its like Im in quicksand. Jerry: I told you when I met her. George: My back is killing me. Jerry: You gotta go to my chiropractor, hes the best. George: Oh yeah, everybodys guy is the best. Jerry: Im gonna make an appointment for you. Well go together. George: Please. They dont do anything. Look, do I have to break up with her in person? Cant I do it over the phone? I-I have no stomach for these things. Jerry: You should just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion! Right off! Elaine: Hi. Jerry: Hi. Elaine: Hey, what are you doing? George: Im letting you in. Elaine: Oh no. No. I dont want to sit in the back. Ill be left out of the conversation. George: No, you wont. Elaine: Yes, I will, George. Ill have to stick my chin on top of the seat. George: Okay. Elaine: Why cant you sit in the middle? George: Please, it doesnt look good. Boy, boy, girl. Elaine: You're afraid to sit next to a man. You're a little homophobic, arent ya? George: Is it that obvious? Elaine: Hello, Jerry. Jerry: Hello. Elaine: Did you get a haircut? Jerry: No, shower. So, where are we eating? Elaine: Tell me if you think this is strange. Theres this guy who lives in my building, who I was introduced to a couple of years ago by a friend. Hes a uh teacher, or something. Anyway, after we met, whenever wed run into each other on the street, or in the lobby, or whatever, we would stop and we would chat a little. Nothing much. Little pleasantries. Hes a nice guy, hes got a family. Then after a while, I noticed there was not more stopping. Just saying hello and continuing on our way. And then the verbal hellos stopped, and we just went into these little sort of nods of recognition. So, fine. I figure, that's where this relationship is finally gonna settle polite nodding. Then one day, he doesnt nod. Like I dont exist?! He went from nods to nothing. George: (singing; imitating Tony Bennett) You know, Id go from nods to nothing... Elaine: And now, theres this intense animosity whenever we pass. I mean, its like we really hate each other. Its based on nothing. Jerry: A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it so it turned against you. Same thing happened in The Blob. George: I think you absolutely have to say something to this guy. Confront him. Elaine: Really? George: Yes. Elaine: You would do that? George: If I was a different person. Jerry: Hello... Hello. Is Glen there?... Im sorry. Is this 805-555-3234?... Yes, I know I have the wrong number, but I just want to know if I dialed wrong or if... Kramer: (to the intercom) Come on up. Jerry: (to the phone) Oh, its you again. See, now if you had answered me, I wouldnt have had to do this. Now that's two long distance calls I made to you why cant you... (The guy hangs up on Jerry again; to nobody) Why? Why do they just hang up like that? Thank you very much. Kramer: Taste this. Jerry: No, I just had a sandwich. Kramer: No, taste it. Taste it. Jerry: I dont want cantaloupe now. Kramer: You've never had cantaloupe like this before... Jerry: I only eat cantaloupe at certain times... Kramer: ...Jerry. This is great cantaloupe. Jerry: ...all right! Kramer: Uh-huh. Its good? Jerry: Its very good. Kramer: Good, huh? Jerry: Good. Kramer: I got it at Joes. Jerry: Uh-huh. Kramer: Forty-nine cents a pound. That's practically half than what you're paying at the supermarket. I dont know why you dont go to Joes. Jerry: Its too far. Kramer: Its three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart.. Jerry: Im not pulling a shopping cart. What, am I suppose to wear a kerchief? Put stockings on and roll em down below my knee? Kramer: See, the other thing is, if you dont like anything, he takes it right back. Jerry: I dont return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in. George: Im outta there. I did it! Its over. Jerry: You did it? What happened? George: I told her. In the kitchen which was risky cause its near all the knives. I started with the word Listen. Jerry: Uh-huh... George: I said, Listen Marlene, and then the next thing I know, Im in the middle of it. And theres this voice inside of me going, You're doing it! You're doing it! And then she started to cry, and I weakened a bit. I almost relented, but the voice, Jerry, the voice said, Keep going, keep going. You're almost out! Its like I was making a prison break, you know, and Im heading for the wall, and I trip and I twist my ankle, and they throw the light on you, you know. So, somehow I get though the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started. Shes firing at me from the guard tower. Son of a bang! Son of a boom! I get to the top of the wall the front door. I opened it up, Im one foot away, I took one last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped! Jerry: See, its never as bad as you imagine. Kramer: I liked Marlene. Whats her number? George: Uh, no, I, I dont think so. Jerry: (to Kramer) Could you stop that smacking? Kramer: George, I want you to taste this cantaloupe. George: Oh no, thank you. Kramer: Its the best cantaloupe I ever had. George: No, really. No, no, thanks. Kramer: Jerry, tell him how good this cantaloupe is. Jerry: Its very good cantaloupe. (Kramer leaves; to George) So that's it? You're out? George: Except for one small problem. Hah, I left some books in her apartment. Jerry: So, go get them. George: Oh, no no, I cant go back there. Jerry, its so awkward and, you know, it could be dangerous sexually. Something could happen, Id be right back where I started from. Jerry: So forget about the books. Did you read them? George: Well, yeah. Jerry: What do you need them for? George: I dont know. They're books. Jerry: What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it? George: They're my books. Jerry: So you want me to get the books? Is that it? Marlene: ...so, it mustve been ninety-five degrees that night, and everyones just standing around the pool with little drinks in their hands. I was wearing my old jeans and t-shirt. And I dont know, I was just in one of those moods. So I said to myself, Marlene, just do it. And I jumped in. And as Im getting out, I feel all these eyes on me, and I look up and everyone is just staring at me. Jerry: So whatd you do? Marlene: Well, nothing. Its no skin off my hide if people like to look. I just didnt see what the big attraction was. Jerry: Well, I have a general idea what it was. I could take a guess. Marlene: Hey, you know, Jerry, just because George and I dont see each other anymore, it doesnt mean we shouldn't stay friends. Jerry: No. Marlene: Good enough. Im really glad we got that settled. Jerry: I dont know how this happened. George: Jerry, its not my fault. Jerry: No, no. Its not your fault. Books, books, I need my books. Have you re-read those books yet, by the way? You know the great thing? When you read Moby Dick the second time, Ahab and the whale become good friends. You know, its not like Marlenes a bad person or anything, but, my God! I mean, weve had like three lunches and a movie, and she never stops calling. (George nods.) And its these meaningless, purposeless, blather calls. She never asks if Im busy or anything. I just pick up the phone, and shes in the middle of a sentence! George: It's standard. Has she left you one of those messages where she uses up the whole machine? Jerry: (disgusted) Ohh! You know, and sometimes shell go, (imitates Marlene) Hello, Jerry? And Ill go, Oh, hi Marlene. And then its Jerry... Jerry & George: I dunno sometimes... George: What trying to get off the phone? Jerry: (more disgusted) Ohhhh! You cant! Its impossible! Theres no break in the conversation where you can go, All right then... You know, it just goes on and on and on without a break in the wall. I mean, I gotta put a stop to this. George: Just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion. Right off! (beat) She is sexy though. Dont you think? Jerry: Yeah. Yes, she is. Receptionist: Mr. Costanza? George: Yeah. Receptionist: The doctor will see you now. George: (to Jerry, sarcastically) Yeah, doctor. Im going to have to wait in that little room all by myself, arent I? (He picks up a crossword puzzle.) I better take this. I hate the little room. (George walks into the hallway that leads to the doctors office.) Oh, hello, Doctor. Jerry: The waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. Cause it says Waiting Room. Theres no chance of not waiting. Cause they call it the waiting room, they're gonna use it. Theyve got it. Its all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got your little magazine. You pretend you're reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You know, you're thinking about about them. Things like, I wonder what hes got. As soon as she goes, Im getting her magazine. And then, they finally call you and its a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. Well, I guess Ive been chosen. Ill see you all later. You know, so you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No. You're going into the next waiting room the littler waiting room. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest room that they have, I think. You dont wnat to be in the largest room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these operating theaters, that they have, with like, stadium seating? You dont want them doing anything to you that makes other doctors go, I have to see this! Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do that to him? Are there seats? Can we get in? Do they scalp tickets to these things? I got two for the Winslow tumor, I got two... Jerry: So, how was it? George: I was in there for two minutes. He didnt do anything. Touch this, feel that seventy-five bucks! Jerry: Well, its a first visit. George: Whats seventy-five bucks?! What, am I seeing Sinatra in there?! Am I being entertained? I dont understand this. Im only paying half. Jerry: You cant do that. George: Why not? Jerry: Hes a doctor. You gotta pay what he says. George: Oh, no no no. I pay what I say. Marlene: Are you feeling weird? Jerry: No, Im fine. Marlene: Nothing really happened. Jerry: Yeah, I know. Marlene: We just kissed a little. People kiss. Jerry: Yeah. Marlene: Well... night. Jerry: (belated) Good night. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Hey. Kramer: I got it! This time, I got it! Jerry : All right. Kramer: Hips! See, its all hips. Jerry: Uh-huh. Kramer: You gotta come through with the hips first. Jerry: That is out there. Kramer: Joes? Jerry: No, supermarket. Kramer: Well, is it good? Jerry: Its uh okay. Kramer: Let me taste it. Kramer: See, that stinks. You cant eat that. You should take that back. Jerry: Im not taking it back. Kramer: All right, Ill take it back. Im going by there. Jerry: I dont care about it. Kramer: Jerry, you should care. Cantaloupe like this should be taken out of circulation. Jerry: All right. Take it back. Jerry’S Message: Leave a message, Ill call you back. Marlene: (from the phone) Jerry, have you ever taken a bath in the dark? If Im not talking into the soap right now, call me back. Kramer: Well? Jerry: Marlene. Kramer: (smiles) Oh. Oh, Marlene... Jerry: Yeah, I took her home one night we kinda started up a little bit in the car. Kramer: I thought you were trying to get rid of her? Jerry: I was. But, shes got me, like, hypnotized. Kramer: Does George know? Jerry: No, hed go nuts. Kramer: Yeah, no kidding. Jerry: I feel terrible. (Kramer smiling) I mean, Ive seen her a couple of times since then, and I know I cant go any further, but... Shes just got this like, psychosexual hold over me. I just want her, I cant breathe. Its like a drug. Kramer: Whoa, psychosexual. Jerry: I dont know how Im going to tell him. Kramer: Man, I dont understand people. I mean, why would George want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me? Jerry: Its partially you, yeah. Kramer: You're his friend. Better that she should sleep with someone else? Some jerk that he doesnt even know? Jerry: Well, he cant kill me, right? Kramer: You're a human being. Jerry: I mean, she called me. I haven't called her. She started it. Kramer: You're flesh and blood. Jerry: Im a nice guy. Elaine: Hi. Jerry: (excited) Oh, my little airplane lamp. Elaine: You know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city. That's hard to get used to when you're in so many other fast ones. Jerry: Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you dont have to be home on time. Elaine: Unless you're married to a dictator. Jerry: Yeah... Because they would be very demanding people. Elaine: Right. Exactly. So I imagine at some point somebodys going to offer me some cantaloupe? Kramer: Nope. No good. Jerry: Well, you know what they say. Lucky in love, Unlucky with fruit. Kramer: Well, Im taking this back. Elaine: So, I had what you might call a little encounter this morning. Jerry: Really? That guy who stopped saying hello? Elaine: Yes. Jerry: You talked to him? Elaine: Yes. I spotted him getting his mail. And at first, I was just going to walk on by, but then I thought, No no no. No. Do not be afraid of this man. Jerry: Right. Elaine: So, I walked up behind him and I tapped him on the shoulder. And I said, Hi, remember me? And he furrows his brow, as if hes really trying to figure it out. So I said to him, I said, You little phony. You know exactly who I am. Jerry: You said "you little phony"? Elaine: I did. I most certainly did. And he said, he goes, Oh, yeah. You're Jeanettes friend. We did meet once. And I said, Well, how do you go from that to totally ignoring a person when they walk by? Jerry: This is amazing. Elaine: And he says, he says, Look, I just didnt want to say hello anymore, All right? And I said, Fine. Fine. I didnt want to say hello anymore either, but just I wanted you to know that Im aware of it! Jerry: You are the Queen of Confrontation. You're my new hero. In fact, you've inspired me. Im gonna call George about something right now. Elaine: This cantaloupe stinks. George: (considers for a second) I dont care. Jerry: You're kidding. George: No, I dont care. Jerry: You mean that? George: Absolutely. Jerry: You dont care? George: No. Jerry: How could you not care? George: I dont know. But I dont. Im actually almost happy to hear it. Jerry: I thought youd be upset. George: I guess I should be, but Im not. Jerry: Am I a bad person? Did I do something terrible? George: You're a fine person. You're a humanitarian. Shes very sexy. Jerry: That voice. That voice. Shes driving me crazy. George: I know. I know. Jerry: So I can see her tonight, and you dont care? George: See her tonight. See her tomorrow. Go. Knock yourself out. Shes too crazy for me. Jerry: All right. As long as you're okay. Because I cant stop thinking about her. George: Im okay. Im fine. Im wonderful. I never felt better in my whole life. Jerry: Good. And Ill tell you what... You dont have to pay me back the thirty-five I gave to the chiropractor for the rest of your bill. George: (shocked and angry) You paid that crook?! Jerry: I had to. George: He didnt do anything, Jerry. Its a scam! Who told you to do that? Jerry: It was embarrassing to me. George: Oh, I was trying to make a point. Jerry: Why dont you make a point with your own doctor? (George gulps.) Whats wrong? George: (gasping) I think I swallowed a fly! I swallowed a fly! What do I do? (He turns to a coffee shop patron at the counter.) What can happen?! Jerry: So, you wanna come up for a few minutes? Marlene: Im sorry, Jerry. I just dont think this is gonna work. Jerry: Really? I thought... Marlene: I know, Im sorry. Jerry: Gee, I just didnt expect it from the way you've been acting. Marlene: You sure you want to talk about this? Cause I sure dont. Jerry: Of course I want to talk about it. Marlene: Well, okay. I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night. Jerry: Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night? Marlene: I saw your act. Jerry: My act? Wha-What does that have to do with anything? Marlene: Well, to be honest, it just didnt make it for me. Its just so much fluff. Jerry: I cant believe this. So what are you saying? You didnt like my act, so that's it? Marlene: I cant be with someone if I dont respect what they do. Jerry: You're a cashier! Marlene: Look, Jerry, its just wasn't my kind of humor. Jerry: You cant go by the audience that night. It was late. They were terrible. Marlene: I heard the material. Jerry: I have other stuff. Y-You should come see me on the weekend. Jerry: Women need to like the job of the guy they're with. If they dont like the job, they dont like the guy. Men know this. Which is why we make up the phony, bogus names for the jobs that we have. Well, right now, Im the regional management supervisor. Im in development, research, consulting... Men on the other hand if they are physically attracted to a woman are not that concerned with her job. Are we? Men dont really care. Menll just go, Really? Slaughterhouse? Is that where you work? That sounds interesting. So whaddaya got a big cleaver there? You're just lopping their heads off? That sounds great! Listen, why dont you shower up, and well get some burgers and catch a movie.

Jerry: My parents live in Florida now. They moved there last year. They didnt want to move to Florida, but they're in their sixties, and that's the law. You know how it works. They got the leisure police. They pull up in front of the old peoples house with a golf cart, jump out, Lets go Pop, white belt, white pants, white shoes, get in the back. Drop the snow shovel right there. Drop it! I am not much for the family gathering. You know, you sit there, and the conversations so boring. Its so dull. And you start to fantasize. You know, you think, What if I just got up and jumped out that window? What would it be like? Just crashed right through the glass. You know. Come back in, theres broken glass, everybodys all upset. No, Im all right. I was just a little bored there. And uh no, Im fine. I came back. I wanted to hear a little more about that Hummel collection, Aunt Rose. Lets pick it up right there. Helen: You have so many nice jackets. I dont know why you had to bring this jacket. Who wears a jacket like this? Whats wrong with that nice gray one? You have beautiful clothes. They sit in your closet. Morty, you cant wear this! Morty: Are you getting that? Helen: I thought you were getting it. Morty: Should I pick up? Helen: You want me to get that? Morty: Ill get it! Helen: Ill get it! Helen: Hello?... Hello? Jerry: Hi. Helen: Hi. Jerry: (to Morty) Would you make this thing lower! I can hear it on the street! Morty: So, howd you do? Jerry: We won. I made an incredible play in the field! There was a tag-up at third base and I threw the guy out from left field on a fly! Well be in the championship game Wednesday because of me. It was the single greatest moment in my life. Helen: This is your greatest moment? A game? Jerry: Well, no. Sharon Besser, of course. Morty: You know what my greatest moment was, dont you? Nineteen-forty-six. I went to work for Harry Flemming and I came up with the idea for the beltless trenchcoat. Helen: Jerry, look at this sport jacket. Is this a jacket to wear to an anniversary party? Jerry: Well, the mans an individualist he worked for Harry Flemming. He knows what hes doing. Helen: But its their 50th anniversary. Morty: Your mother doesn't like my taste in clothing. Helen: You know, I spoke to Manya and Isaac on the phone today. They invited you again. I think you should go. Jerry: First of all, I made plans with Elaine. Helen: So bring her. Jerry: I dont even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, Ive met them three times in my life. Morty: I dont know her either. (gesturing to Helen) She makes me fly all the way from Florida for this, and then she criticizes my jacket. Helen: At least come and say hello, have a cup of coffee, then you'll leave. Morty: How come he gets to leave? Jerry: If I wind up sitting next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving. Hes always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. I guess its because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation. Morty: And its always about Jeffrey, right? Jerry: Yeah. He talks about him like he split the atom. The kid works for the Parks Department. Kramer: Morty, are you coming in? Morty: Oh, yeah. I forgot all about it. Kramer: (to Jerry) Hey, howd you do? Jerry: We won. Were in the finals on Wednesday. Kramer: Yeah! Jerry: (to Kramer and Morty) What is this about? Kramer: Im completely changing the configuration of the apartment. You're not gonna believe it when you see it. A whole new lifestyle. Jerry: What are you doing? Kramer: Levels. Jerry: Levels? Kramer: Yeah, Im getting rid of all my furniture. All of it. And Im going to build these different levels, with steps, and itll all be carpeted with a lot of pillows. You know, like ancient Egypt. Jerry: You drew up plans for this? Kramer: No no. Its all in my head. Morty: I dont know how you're going to be comfortable like that. Kramer: Oh, Ill be comfortable. Jerry: When do you intend to do this? Kramer: Ohh... should be done by the end of the month. Jerry: You're doing this yourself? Kramer: Its a simple job. Why, you dont think I can? Jerry: Oh, no. Its not that I dont think you can. I know that you cant, and Im positive that you wont. Kramer: Well, I got the tools. I got the pillows. All I need is the lumber. Morty: Hey, that's some big job. Jerry: I, dont see it happening. Kramer: Well, this time, this time you're wrong. Cmon. Ill even bet you. Jerry: Seriously? Helen: I dont want you betting. Morty, dont let him bet. Kramer: A big dinner with dessert. But Ive got till the end of the month. Jerry: Ill give you a year. Kramer: No no no. End of the month. Jerry: Its a bet. Jerry: (to Elaine) Seriously, do you wanna switch chairs? Elaine: No, no. Im fine. Uncle Leo: Jerry, are you listening to this? Jerry: Yeah, Uncle Leo. Uncle Leo: So, so, now the parks commissioner is recommending Jeffrey for a citation. Jerry: Right. For the reducing of the pond scum? Uncle Leo: No, for the walking tours. Jerry: Oh, yeah. Where the people eat the plant life. The edible foliage tour. Uncle Leo: That's exactly right. He knows the whole history of the park. For two hours hes talking and answering questions. But you want to know something? Whenever he has a problem with one of these high-powered big shots in the Parks Department, you know who he calls? Jerry: Mickey Mantle? Elaine: (saving Jerry from Leo) Jerry, Jerry. Did you taste these peas? (to Manya) These peas are great! Jerry: (eating a forkful) These peas are bursting with country fresh flavor. Elaine: Mmm... phenomenal peas. Morty: Are you ready for dessert? Jerry: Well, actually, we do have to kind of get going. Manya: (surprised) You're going? Elaine: Oh uh, I dont really eat dessert. Im dieting. Jerry: Yeah, I cant eat dessert either. The sugar makes my ankles swell up, and I cant dance. Manya : Cant dance? Helen: Hes kidding, Manya. Manya: Is that a joke? Helen: So, did you hear Claires getting married? Manya: Yeah, yeah.. Helen: I hear the fella owns a couple of racehorses. You know, trotters, like at Yonkers. Jerry: Horses? They're like big riding dogs. Elaine: What about ponies? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies... Jerry: I know, I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up. Manya: (angry) I had a pony. Jerry: Well, I didnt uh really mean a pony, per se... Manya: When I was a little girl in Poland, we all had ponies. My sister had pony, my cousin had pony... So, whats wrong with that? Jerry: Nothing. Nothing at all. I was just merely expressing... Helen: Should we have coffee? Who'shaving coffee? Manya: He was a beautiful pony! And I loved him. Jerry: Well, Im sure you did. Who wouldnt love a pony? Who wouldnt love a person that had a pony? Manya: You! You said so! Jerry: No, see, we didnt have ponies. Im sure at that time in Poland, they were very common. They were probably like compact cars.. Manya: That's it! I had enough! Isaac: Have your coffee, everybody. Shes a little upset. Its been an emotional day. Jerry: I didnt know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrants going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sittin on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesnt make sense. Am I wrong? Jerry: Ill drive you to the airport. Helen: No, were taking a cab. Jerry: I just hope that whole pony incident didnt put a damper on the trip. Helen: Dont be ridiculous. It was a misunderstanding. Morty: Hey, I agree with him. Nobody likes a kid with a pony. Jerry: Well, if you ever talk to her, tell her Im sorry. Elaine too. She feels terrible. Helen: You know, you should give Manya a call. Jerry: Maybe I will. Kramer: Oh, hi. I uh just came to say goodbye. Kramer: Need any help with those? Morty: Its nothing. I got it. So, how are your levels coming along? Kramer: Oh, well... I decided Im not gonna do it. Jerry: (laughing) Really? What a shock. Helen: Goodbye, Jerry. Jerry: Take care. Helen: Well call you. Morty: Bye, Jer. Jerry: Bye, Dad. Take it easy. Morty: Bye, Mr. Kramer. Kramer: Yeah. So long, Morty. Jerry: So, when do I get my dinner? Kramer: Theres no dinner. The bets off. Im not gonna do it. Jerry: Yes, I know you're not gonna do it. That's why I bet. Kramer: Ya well, theres no bet if Im not doing it. Jerry: That's the bet! That you're not doing it! Kramer: Yeah, well, I could do it. I dont wanna do it. Jerry: We didnt bet on if you wanted to. We bet on if it would be done. Kramer: And it could be done. Jerry: Well, of course it could be done! Anything could be done! But it only is done if its done! Show me the levels! The bet is the levels! Kramer: I dont want the levels! Jerry: That's the bet! (The phone rings; Jerry answers it.) Hello?... No- oh, hi... (Kramer leaves) no, they just left... Oh, my God... hang on a second. Maybe I can still catch em. (Jerry goes over to the window and opens it; calling out the window) Ma! Ma! Up here! Dont get in the cab! Manya died! Manya died!! Helen: Who did you talk to? Jerry: Uncle Leo. Helen: And whens the funeral? Jerry: I dont know. He said hed call back. Morty: You know what this means, dont you? We lost the Supersaver. Those tickets are non-refundable. Helen: She just had a check-up. The doctor said she was fine. Unless... Jerry: What? Helen: What? Nothing. Jerry: You dont think... What? The pony remark? Helen: Oh, dont be ridiculous. She was an old woman. Jerry: You dont think that I killed her? Morty: You know what the flight backll cost us? Jerry: It was just an innocent comment! I didnt know she had a pony! Morty: Maybe we can get an army transport flight. They got a base in Sarasota, I think. Jerry: The whole thing was taking out of context. It was a joke. (The phone rings.) That's probably Uncle Leo. Helen: Hello?... Yes, I know... Well, its just one of those things... Sure, sure, well see you then. Helen: The funerals Wednesday. Jerry: Wednesday? What, what Wednesday? Helen: Two o clock, Wednesday. Jerry: Ah Helen: What? Jerry: Ive got the softball game on Wednesday. Its the championship. Helen: So? You're not obligated. Go play in your game. Jerry: I didnt even know the woman. Helen: So dont go. Jerry: I mean I met her three times. I dont even know her last name. Helen: Jerry, no ones forcing you. Jerry: I mean, who has a funeral on a Wednesday? That's what I want to know. I mean, its the championship, Im hitting everything. Helen: I dont have a dress to wear. (to Morty) And you. You dont have anything. Morty: I got my sport jacket. Helen: You're not wearing that to a funeral. Morty: Whats wrong with it? Helen: It looks ridiculous. Morty: What? Im gonna buy a new sport jacket now? Jerry: I dont know what to do. Morty: (depressed) You know what this funerals gonna wind up costing me? Oh boy! Jerry: We dont understand death. And the proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow. And, uh, I mean, hey, you know. I think if you cant stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I dont see how bedding accessories really make the difference. I mean, they got the guy in a suit with a pillow. Now, is he going to a meeting, or is he catching forty winks? I mean, lets make up our mind where we think they're going. Elaine: I actually like ponies. I was just trying to make conversation. What times your game? Jerry: Two Forty-Five. Elaine: And what times the funeral? Jerry: Two o clock. Elaine: How long does a funeral take? Jerry: Depends on how nice the person was. But you gotta figure, even Oswald took forty-five minutes. Elaine: So you cant do both? Jerry: You know, if the situation were reversed and Manya had some mah-jongg championship or something, I wouldnt expect her to go to my funeral. I would understand. Elaine: How can you even consider not going? George: You know, Ive been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstances in which Ill ever have the opportunity to have sex again. Hows it gonna happen? I just dont see how it could occur. Elaine: You know, funerals always make me think about my own mortality and how Im actually gonna die someday. Me, dead. Imagine that. George: They always make me take stock of my life. And how Ive pretty much wasted all of it, and how I plan to continue wasting it. Jerry: I know, and then you say to yourself, From this moment on, Im not gonna waste any more of it. But then you go, How? What can I do that's not wasting it? Elaine: Is this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Cant you have coffee with people? George: You know, I cant believe you're even considering not playing. We need you. You're hitting everything. Elaine: He has to go. He may have killed her. Jerry: Me? What about you? You brought up the pony. Elaine: Oh, yeah, but I didnt say I hated anyone who had one. George: (to Jerry) Who'sgoing to play left field? Jerry: Bender. George: Bender? He cant play left. He stinks. I just dont see what purpose is it gonna serve your going? I mean, you think dead peole care whos at their funeral? They dont even know they're having a funeral. Its not like shes hanging out in the back going, I cant believe Jerry didnt show up. Elaine: Maybe shes there in spirit. How about that? George: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think shes gonna wanna hang around Drexlers funeral home on Ocean Parkway? Elaine: George, I met this woman. She is not traveling to any other dimensions. George: You know how easy it is for dead people to travel? Its not like getting on a bus. One second. (snaps his fingers) Its all mental. Jerry: Fifty years they were married. Now hes moving to Pheonix. Elaine: Phoenix? Whats happening with his appartment? Jerry: I dont know. Theyve been in there since, like, World War II. The rents three hundred a month. Elaine: Three hundred a month? Oh, my God. Eulogist: Although this may seem like a sad event, it should not be a day of mourning. For Manya had a rich, fulfilling life. She grew up in a different world a simpler world with loving parents, a beautiful home in the country, and from what I understand, she eve had a pony. (Jerry throws up his hands.) Oh, how she loved that pony. Even in her declining years, whenever she would speak of it, her eyes would light up. Its lustrous coat, its flowing mane. It was the pride of Krakow. Jerry: Well, the games starting just about now. Helen: It was good that the two of you came. It was a nice gesture. Nephew: Im not a doctor yet, Uncle Morty. Im just an intern. I cant write a note to an airline. Morty: You've got your degree. They dont care. They just want to see something. Jerry: I just wanted to say how sorry I was... Uncle Leo: Jerry, you wanna hear something? Your cousin, Jeffrey, is switching parks. They're transferring him to Riverside - so hell completely revamp that operation, you understand? Jerry: Yeah. Uncle Leo: Hell do in Riverside what he did in Central Park. More money. So, that's your cousin. Morty: You dont understand, Ive never paid a full fare. Jerry: Once again, I just want to say how sorry I am about the other night. Elaine: Oh, me too. Isaac: Oh, no no no. She forgot all about that. She was much more upset about the potato salad. Elaine: So, I understand you're moving to Phoenix? Isaac: Yeah, my brother lives there. I think Manya would've liked Phoenix. Elaine: Mmm, gorgeous, exquisite town. So, whats happening with your apartment? Isaac: Of course its very hot there. Ill have to get uh air conditioner. Elaine: Oh, you can have mine. Ill ship it out to you. (Isaac isn't listening to Elaine) But what about that big apartment on West End Avenue? Isaac: Although they say its a dry heat. Elaine: Dry, wet... (trying to get through to him) whats happening with your apartment? Isaac: I dont even know if I should take my winter clothing. Elaine: I have an idea. Leave the winter clothing in the apartment, and Ill watch it for you and Ill live there and Ill make sure that nothing happens to it. Isaac: Oh, the apartment. Jeffreys taking the apartment. Elaine: Oh, Jeffrey. Jerry: You know Jeffery? Elaine : Yeah, from what I understand, he works for the Parks Department. Helen: Its raining. Jerry: Its raining? Its raining. The game will be postponed. Well play tomorrow. Morty: Believe me, I wouldnt bother you if the army hadn't closed that base in Sarasota. Here, scribble a little something here. Nephew: I cant. Ill get in trouble. Morty: Oh, for Gods sake! George: Who gets picked off in softball? Its unheard of. Jerry: Its never happened to me before. Elaine: I remember saying to myself, Why is Jerry so far off the base? Jerry: Ill have to live with this shame for the rest of my life. George: And then in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly? Jerry: I thought there were two outs. Elaine: I couldn't believe it when I saw you running. (laughing) I thought maybe they had changed the rules or something. Jerry : It was the single worst moment of my life. George: (smiling) What about Sharon Besser? Jerry: Oh, well, of course. Nineteen-seventy-three. Elaine: Makes you wonder, though, doesnt it? Jerry: Wonder about what? Elaine: You know... (looking up) the spirit world. Jerry: You think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me? Elaine: I never saw anyone play like that. Jerry: But I went to the funeral. Elaine: Yeah, but that doesnt make up for killin her. George: Maybe Manya missed the funeral because she was off visiting another galaxy that day. Jerry: Dont you think she woulda heard I was there? George: Not necessarily. Jerry: Who figures and immigrants gonna have a pony? Jerry: What is the pony? What is the point of the pony? Why do we have these animals, these ponies? What do we do with them? Besides the pony ride. Why ponies? What are we doing with them? I mean, police dont use them for, you know, crowd control. (Jerry crouches down, and makes like hes riding a pony.) Hey, uh, you wanna get back behind the barricades. Hey! Hey, little boy. Yeah, Im talking to you. Behind the barricades! So somebody, I assume, genetically engineered these ponies. Do you think they could make them any size? I mean, could they make them like the size of a quarter, if they wanted? That would be fun for Monopoly, though, wouldnt it? Just have a little pony and you put him on the... Baltic, that's two down, go ahead. Hold it. Right there. Baltic. Yeah, that's it. Fine. Right there, hold it right there.

Jerry: I hate clothes, okay? I hate buying them. I hate picking them out of my closet. I cant stand every day trying to come up with little outfits for myself. I think eventually fashion wont even exist. It wont. I think eventually well all be wearing the same thing. Cause anytime I see a movie or a TV show where theres people from the future or another planet, they're all wearing the same thing. Somehow they decided, This is going to be our outfit. One-piece silver jumpsuit, V-stripe, and boots. That's it. We should come up for an outfit for Earth. An Earth outfit. We should vote on it. Candidates propose different outfits. No speeches. They walk out, twirl, walk off. We just sit in the audience and go, That was nice. I could wear that. Jerry : I think Ive seen enough. Salesman: Well, I might have something in the back. Elaine: The back? They never find anything in the back. If they had anything good in the back, theyd put it out in the front. Jerry: Why dont they open up an entire store for the back? Call it, Just Back. All back; No front. You walk in the front, you're immediately in the back. (Jerry picks up a tie display, and shakes it rhythmically from left to right.) Look, Elaine, tie carwash. Customer: Oh, I just read that. That's terrific. Jerry: (pointing to Elaine) Her father wrote that. Customer: Alton Benes is your father? Elaine: Yeah. Customer: I always felt he deserved a wider audience. Elaine: Im not so sure he wants one. Elaine: Hey, dont forget Sunday, okay? You and George are coming, right? Hotel Westbury, eight oclock. Jerry: I guess Im coming. I mean... Elaine: What? What, you dont want to go now? Jerry: No, Ill go. Im going. Elaine: No, Jerry, you have to. I need a buffer. You know, I haven't seen my father in a while and... you know... Jerry: Im worried I wont be able to talk to him. Hes such a great writer. Frankly, I prefer the company of nitwits. Elaine: So, that's why were not together anymore. Jerry: What is this? Jerry: This is beautiful. These jackets never fit me right. Elaine: Try it on. Elaine: Wow, this is soft suede. Jerry: This may be the most perfect jacket I have ever put on. Jerry: How much is it? Elaine: (shocked) Oh my God. Jerry: Bad? (Elaine nods.) Very bad? Elaine: You have no idea. Jerry: I have some idea. Elaine: No idea. Jerry: Ive got a ballpark. Elaine: There is no park and the team has relocated. Jerry: Let me see that. (Jerry looks at the tag.) That is high. Elaine: Oh man, that is a beautiful jacket, though. Jerry: Whats with the pink lining and the candy stripes? Elaine: Well, its just a lining. You can always have it changed. Jerry: Should I get it? I hate these moments. Im hearing the dual voices now, you know, What about the money? Whats money? Salesman: It looks wonderful on you. Jerry: Hey. Kramer: Hey. New jacket? Jerry: What do you think? Kramer: Its beautiful. Jerry: Is it me? Kramer: That's definitely you. Jerry: Really? Kramer: That's more you than you've ever been. Hey, what is with the pink lining? Jerry: I dont know. Its got a pink lining. Kramer: Oh... So, what did you pay for this? Jerry : I paid what it costs. Kramer: How much? Jerry: Whats the difference? Kramer: What, you're not gonna tell me? Jerry: Id rather not say it out loud. Its embarrassing. Kramer: Over three hundred? Jerry: Yes, but lets just stop it right there. Kramer: Its over four hundred? Jerry : Really, Im not answering anymore. Kramer: Is it over four hundred? Jerry: Would you? Kramer: Woah, Nelson! Jerry: I know, I know. Kramer: What are you gonna do with the leather one? Jerry: I dont know. Kramer: Well, are you gonna wear it? Jerry: Maybe. Kramer: You're not going to wear this. Jerry: Do you want it? Kramer: Well, yeah. Okay. Ill take it. I like the jacket. Jerry: Okay, take it. Kramer: Heey, good karma for you. (Kramer puts on Jerrys old jacket and stands next to Jerry, looking in the mirror.) Oh baby. George: (singing) Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open palm/Tells a saucy talk/Loves to make a stir/Everyone appreciates a... Jerry: What is that song? George: Oh, its from Les Miserables. I went to see it last week. I cant get it out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. It just comes out. I have no control over it. Im singin it on elevators, buses. Im singin it in front of clients. Its taken over my life. Jerry: You know, Schumann went mad from that. George: Artie Schuman? From Camp Hatchapee? Jerry: No, you idiot. George: What are you, Bud Abbott? What are you callin me an idiot? Jerry: You dont know Robert Schumann? The composer? George: Oh, Schumann. Of course. Jerry: He went crazy from one note. He couldn't get it out of his head. I think it was an A. He kept repeating it over and over again. He had to be institutionalized. George: Really? (Jerry nods his head) Well, what if it doesnt stop? Oh, that I really needed to hear. That helps a lot! All right, just say something. Just start talking. Change the subject. Lets just go, All right? I cant believe were having dinner with Alton Benes. Jerry: I know exactly whats gonna happen tonight. Im gonna try and act like Im not impressed, hes gonna see right through it. George: Yeah, hell be looking at us like hes backstage at a puppet show. Jerry: Let me just get my jacket. George: (singing) Master of the house/Keeper of the inn... (Jerry re-enters the living room and modestly models his new jacket for George. George is impressed.) This is huge! When did this happen? Jerry: Wednesday. This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, its with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might've been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge. George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality. Jerry: Absolutely. George: Its fabulous. Jerry: I know. George: And Ill tell you something else, Im not even going to ask you. I want to know. But Im not gonna ask. You'll tell me when you feel comfortable. So what was it? Four hundred? Five hundred? Did you pay five hundred for this? (Jerry coyly ignores Georges questions, while George grows increasingly serious.) Over six? Cant be seven. Dont tell me you paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! Did you pay seven hundred dollars for this jacket? Is that what you're saying to me? You are sick! Is that what you paid for this jacket? Over seven hundred? What did you pay for this jacket?! I wont say anything. I wanna know what you paid for this jacket! Oh my God! A thousand dollars?! You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket?! All right, fine. (George heads for the door.) Im walking outta here right now thinking you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket, unless you tell me different. (Jerry remains silent.) Oh, ho! All right! Ill tell you what, if you dont say anything in the next five seconds, Ill know it was over a thousand. Kramer: (to Jerry) Hey. Hey, would you do me a solid? Jerry: Well, what kind of solid? Kramer: I need you to sit in the car for two minutes while its double-parked. I gotta pick up some birds. Jerry: Birds? Kramer: Yeah. A friend of mine, hes a magician. Hes going away on vacation. He asked me to take care of his doves. Jerry: So take a cab. Kramer: They wont take a cage full of birds. Jerry: I cant. Im on my way out. Theres no way I can do it. Kramer: George, do me a solid? Two minutes. George: Well, Im going with him. Id like to... Ive never done a solid before. Kramer: All right... Yeah. All right, have a good one. Jerry: (scoffs) Two minutes. Believe me, I know his two minutes. By his conception of time, his life will last over two thousand years. George: (singing) Master of the House/Quick to catch your eye/Never wants a passerby to pass him by... Jerry: Schumann. (George stops himself, frightened. Jerry looks around the lobby.) Where are they? George: Maybe he didnt show up. Jerry: What, you dont want to do this? George: I dont think theres ever been an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up. (George notices an elderly man in a leather chair.) Wait a second, is that him? Jerry: Yeah, I think it is. (They walk toward the man. Jerry hesitates.) Wheres Elaine? George: Im nervous. Jerry: (to the man) Excuse me. Mister Benes? Alton: Yeah? Jerry: Im Jerry, Elaines friend, and this is George. George: Its a great thrill to meet you, Sir. Alton: Sit down. Want a drink? Jerry: Sure. Alton: Whatll you have? Jerry: (to waiter) Ill have a cranberry juice with two limes. George: And, Ill have a club soda with no ice. Benes: Ill have another Scotch with plenty of ice. George: You like ice? Alton: Huh? George: I said, do you like ice? Alton: Like it? George: Dont you think you get more without it? Alton: Wheres Elaine? Jerry: Well, we thought she was meeting you earlier. Shes usually pretty punctual. Dont you find that, George? George: Yeah, yeah. Shes punctual... and uh shes been late, sometimes. Jerry: Yeah, yeah. Sometimes shes on time, and... sometimes shes late. George: I guess... (chuckles) today shes late. Jerry: It appears that way. George: Yup. Jerry: Yup. Alton: Looks like rain. George: I know, I know, that's what they said. Alton: Who said? George: The weather guy, Dr. Waldo. Alton: I dont need anybody to tell me its gonna rain. George: No, of course not. I didnt- Alton: All I have to do is stick my head out the window. (The waiter returns with the drinks, and distributes them to the men.) Which ones suppose to be the funny guy? George: (pointing at Jerry) Oh, hes the comedian. Jerry: Im just a regular person. George: No, no. Hes just being modest. Alton: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. Tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. Theres nothing funny about that. Jerry: Would you excuse me a minute? Im gonna go to the bathroom. Ill be right back. George: I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed Fair Game. I thought it was just brilliant. Alton: Drivel. George: Yea, well, maybe some parts. Alton: (defensive) What parts? George: The... drivel... parts. Oh my gosh, I just realized I have to make a phone call. I-I cant believe- Would you- George: Thank you for leaving me alone with him! Jerry: That was brutal. I cant go back out there. George: Well, lets just leave. Jerry: Elainell kill me. George: Where is she? Jerry: Shes gotta be here soon. George: How could she leave us alone with this lunatic? Ten more minutes, and that's it! Im leaving. I have to tell you, this guy scares me. Jerry: The waiter was trembling! George: If she doesnt show up, we cant possibly have dinner with him alone. Jerry: How are we gonna get out of it? George: Well say were frightened and we have to go home. Jerry: Yeah, that's good. Hed clunk our heads together like Moe. George: I dont know. Just start scratching. Tell him you have the crabs. He was in the military. Hell understand that. Jerry: All fathers are intimidating. They're intimidating because they are fathers. Once a man has children, for the rest of his life, his attitude is, To hell with the world, I can make my own people. Ill eat whatever I want, Ill wear whatever I want, and Ill create whoever I want. Alton: (to George) Whod you call? George: (improvising) My uh uncle is having an operation. I just wanted to see how he was. Alton: What kind of operation? George: Bone marrow. Manager: Mister Benes? Alton: Yes? Manager: A message for you. Alton: From Elaine. She got tied up. Shell be here in thirty minutes. Alton: Yeah, they shouldve taken care of Castro when they had the chance. Like we did in Guatamala in fifty-three. Jerry: Well, Guatamala... George: Sure, Guatamala... Alton: All right, you boys get yourselves together. Well head up to the restaurant. Ill leave a note for Elaine. Im going to the bathroom. George: Come on, lets go! Jerry: What about Elaine? George: To hell with Elaine! Jerry: Shell be furious. George: Were dying here! Jerry: That's her! Shes here! Elaine: Im sorry. Im so sorry. Where is Dad? George: (contemptuously, imitating Altons voice) Hes in the bathroom. Jerry: (to Elaine) Where have you been?! Elaine: Kramer! That... Kramer! Im just about to leave, he calls me up. He begs me to sit in his car for two minutes, so he can pick up these birds... Jerry: Oh, you didnt... Elaine: Well, he said hed drive me here right after. So, I am sitting in his car twenty minutes! He doesnt come down. I am freezing. Then a cop comes by, tells me to get out of the car. Hes a city marshal. Hes towing the car away. Kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets. He was going to tow it with me in the car! So, they tow the car. Now, I am standing outside, and I am freezing, but I cannot leave because I have to tell him what happened to the car. So, finally, he finally comes down with his giant cage filled with doves. He said he was getting special instructions, that each dove has a different diet... So, were wandering around trying to get a cab, when two of these doves fly out! Now were running down the street after these doves; I almost got hit by a bus! (Elaine sits in Altons chair and takes a deep breath.) So hows everything going over here? Jerry: Great. George: Couldn't be better. Elaine: Good. Cause Dad can make some people a little uncomfortable. Jerry: Oh, no, no. George: Get outta here.. Elaine: Man, Kramer! I could kill him! Jerry: I cant believe it. You know better than to get involved with Kramer. Elaine : He said hed give me a lift. Jerry: Ah, the lift. Like the lure of the sirens song. Never what it seems to be, yet who among us can resist? George: Where do you come up with this stuff? Alton: Well, look whos here. Elaine: Oh, hi, Dad. Alton: Hello, dear. Alton: Who'sthe lipstick for? Elaine: No one. Alton: Hows your mother? Elaine: Fine. Alton: How about you? Are you working? Elaine: Yeah, Im reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing. I told you ten times. Alton: Pendant! Those bastards. Well all right, boys. Well go to that Pakistani restaurant on 46th Street. You're not afraid of a little spice, are you? George: (singing) Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open... Alton: Pipe down, chorus boy. Elaine: Ohh... its snowing. Its beautiful. Jerry: (to George) Snow. Snow, that cant be good for suede, can it? George: I wouldnt think so. Jerry: What should I do? (to Alton) Uh, were taking a cab, arent we? Alton: Cab? Its only five blocks. George: (to Jerry) Why dont you just turn it inside out? Jerry: Inside out! Great. Alton: Wait a minute. What the hell do you call this? Jerry: Oh, I turned my jacket inside out. Alton: Well, you look like a damn fool! Jerry: Well, its a new suede jacket. It might get ruined. Alton: Well, you're not going to walk down the street with me and my daughter dressed like that. That's for damn sure. George: Its uh, it's only a few blocks. Jerry: (to the intercom) Elaine? Elaine: Yeah. Jerry: Come on up. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Hey. Kramer: Ive gotta feed the birds. Jerry: So? Kramer: You got any of those mini Ritzes? Jerry: I cant believe I do. Kramer: Yeah! Well, are you going out? Jerry: Yeah. Kramer: Hey, wheres your new jacket? (Jerry points to the jacket hanging in the bathroom. Its ruined.) What? (Kramer enters the bathroom, and sees the garment.) Ohhh. What did you do to it? Jerry: I was out in the snow last night. Kramer: Dont you know what that does to suede? Jerry: I have an idea. (Elaine enters; to Elaine) We can make the nine-thirty at Cinema Three. Elaine: Okay. (to Kramer) Hello. (to Jerry) Listen, thanks again for coming last night. Dad said he had a great time. Jerry: Is he still in town? Elaine: No, hes driving back to Maryland tonight. Kramer: So, uh... what are you gonna do with that one now? Jerry: I dont know. Kramer: (smiling) Well... Elaine: (to Jerry) I didnt want to tell you this, but usually he hates everyone. Jerry: Really? Kramer: You gonna throw this out? Jerry: Well, I cant wear it. Elaine: Yeah, he like you though. Said you reminded him of somebody he knew in Korea. Kramer: (to Jerry) Well, if you're just gonna throw it out, you know, I could take it. Jerry: Yeah, go ahead, take it. Elaine: Dad thinks George is gay. Jerry: Oh, because of all the singing? Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay. Kramer: Hey, see, I like it like this. Elaine: Isn't that...? (Jerry nods.) Oh, is this from the snow last night? (Jerry nods.) Ugh... you know what you shouldve done? You shouldve turned it inside out. Jerry: Ill try and remember that. Kramer: Boy, its too bad you gave me this one too. Jerry: Yeah, too bad. Kramer: Im gonna have to do something about this lining. Alton: (singing) Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open palm... Jerry: I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I dont get this. Arent cows outside most of the time? I dont understand it. When its raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, Let us in, were all wearin leather. Open the door! Were gonna ruin the whole outfit here! Is it suede? I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I cant have this cleaned. Its all I got!

Jerry: The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face? Some people have a little too much fun on television. The soda commercial people. Where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? We have soda, we have soda, we have soda, jumping, laughing, flying through the air. Its a can of soda! Have you ever been standing there and you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're advertising right there on TV, and its like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jet-skiing, girls in bikinis and Im standing there, Maybe Im putting too much ice in mine. George: (excited) So then, as we were leaving, we were just kind of standing there, and she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasnt sure if she wanted me to ask her out, because when women smile at me I dont know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something and I dont know if Im supposed to smile back, I dont know what to do. So I just stood there like remember how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy line? That's what I looked like. Jerry: So you didnt ask? George: No, I froze. Jerry: Counter. George: Oh yeah. So wait, wait. A half-hour later Im back in the office, I tell Lloyd the whole story. He says, So why dont you call her? I says, I cant. I couldn't, I couldn't do it right then. For me to ask a woman out I gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks. So Lloyd calls me a wuss. Jerry: He said wuss? George: Yeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it. Jerry: So you called. George: Right. And, and to cover my nervousness I started eating an apple, because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it makes you sound casual. Jerry: Yeah. Like a farm boy. George: Right. So I call her up, I tell her its me, she gives me an enthusiastic Hi! Jerry: Wow. The enthusiastic hi. That's beautiful. George: Oh, I dont get the enthusiastic hi, Im outta there. Jerry: All right, so you're chewing your apple, you got your enthusiastic hi... Go ahead. George: So, were talking, and I dont like to go too long before I ask them out, I wanna get it over with right away, so I just blurt out, What are you doing Saturday night? Jerry: And? George: She bought. Jerry: Great day in the morning. George: Then I got off the phone right away. Jerry: Sure, its like robbing a bank. You dont loiter around in front of the teller holding that big bag of money. You come in, you hit and get out. George: Its amazing. We, we both have dates on the same night. I cant remember the last time that happened. George: I cant stand doing laundry. That's why I have forty pairs of underwear. Carol: You do not. George: Absolutely. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair. That way, I only have to do wash once a year. Jerry: (in an attempted Scottish accent) Come on, try it. Let me hear you try a Scottish accent. Donna: That's Irish. Jerry: Irish, Scottish, whats the difference, lassie? Carol: So, uh, thanks for dinner. It was great. George: Yeah. (clears his throat) We should do this again. Carol: Would you like to come upstairs for some coffee? George: Oh, no, thanks. I cant drink coffee late at night, it keeps me up. Carol: (confused by his response) So, um, okay. George: Okay. Carol: Goodnight. George: Yeah, take it easy. Donna: Thanks again for the movie. Jerry: You're welcome. Donna: Id invite you up, but the place is being painted. Jerry: Oh, that's okay. Donna: Unless you want to go to your place. Jerry: Okay... but theres no cake or anything, if that's what you're looking for. George: (frustrated) Take it easy! Huh! Take it easy! Jerry: I think if ones going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note. Its common courtesy. I dont know. That's just the way I was brought up. Donna: Values are very important. Jerry: Oh, so important. So what are you doing uh Thursday night? You wanna have dinner? Donna: Thursdays great. Jerry: Tan pants. Why do I buy tan pants, Donna? I dont feel comfortable in them. Donna: Are those Cotton Dockers? Jerry: Oh, I cant begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial. Donna: Really? I like that commercial. Jerry: You like that commercial? Donna: Yeah, its clever. Jerry: Now wait a second, you mean the one where the guys are all standing around, supposedly being very casual and witty? Donna: Yeah, that's the one. Jerry: What could you possibly like about that? Donna: I dont know. I like the, guys. Jerry: Yeah, they're so funny and so comfortable with each other, and I could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that. I could sit on a porch and wrestle around, and maybe even be part of a real bull session. Donna : Hey, I know guys like that. To me the dialogue rings true. Jerry: Even if the dialogue did ring true. (Donna starts to get annoyed that Jerry won't let the conversation go) Even if somehow somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that have to do with the pants? Doesnt that bother you? Donna: (annoyed) That's the idea. That's whats clever about it, that they're not talking about the pants. Jerry: But they're talking about nothing. Donna: That's the point. Jerry: I know the point. Donna: No one is telling you to like it. Jerry: I mean, all those quick shots of the pants. Just pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be? Jerry: Whats brutal about the date is the scrutiny that you put each other through. Because whenever you think about this person in terms of the future, you have to magnify everything about them. You know, like the guyll be like, I dont think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life? And of course the womans looking at the guy, thinking, What is he looking at? Do I want somebody looking at me like this for the rest of my life? Jerry: Im supposed to see her again on Thursday, but can I go out with someone who actually likes this commercial? Elaine: I once broke up with a guy because he didnt keep his bathroom clean enough. Jerry: No kidding. Did you tell him that was the reason? Elaine: Oh yeah, I told him all the time. You would not have believed his tub. Germs were building a town in there they were constructing offices. Houses near the drain were going for a hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Elaine: Hi. Jerry: You're still thinking about this? George: She invites me up at twelve oclock at night, for coffee, and I dont go up. No thank you. I dont want coffee. It keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee. I said this to her. People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I cant imagine what she must think of me. Jerry: She thinks you're a guy that doesnt like coffee. George: She invited me up. Coffees not coffee, coffee is sex. Elaine: Maybe coffee was coffee. George: Coffees coffee in the morning. Its not coffee at twelve oclock at night. Elaine: Well some people drink coffee that late. George: Yeah, people who work at NORAD, whore on twenty-four hour missile watch. Everything was going along so great. She was laughing, I was funny... I kept saying to myself, Keep it up, dont blow it, you're doing great. Elaine: Its all in your head. All she knows is she had a good time. I think you should call her. George: I cant call her now. Its too soon. Im planning a Wednesday call. Elaine: Oh, why? I love it when guys call me the next day. George: Of course you do, but you're imagining a guy you like, not a guy who goes, Oh no, I dont drink coffee late at night. If I call her now, shes gonna think Im too needy. Women dont wanna see need. They want a take-charge guy a colonel, a Kaiser, a tsar. Elaine: All shell think is that you like her. George: That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid! Elaine: Well, she wants you to like her. George: Yes, she wants me to like her, if she likes me. But she doesnt like me! Elaine: I dont know what your parents did to you. Kramer: Hey, I just thought of a really funny thing for your act. All right, you're up there, you're on the stage and you go, Hey, you ever notice how cars here in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances anymore. Someones in a life-and-death situation, and were thinking, Well, sorry buddy, you shouldve thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes and sauages for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years. Kramer: So you gonna use it? Jerry : I dont think so. Kramer: Its funny. Elaine: It is funny. Jerry: I like to use my own material. Kramer: That's as good as anything you do. George: All right, I gotta make a call. Everybody out, come on. Jerry: Why do we have to leave? George: Because I cant call a woman with other people in the room. Come on, lets go. Elaine: Oh, see, this is the problem. Jerry: You're kicking me out of my house? George: Yes. Elaine: (encouraging) Dont forget. George: (to Elaine) Right, alright. (to Jerry) Oh Jerry, do you have any apples? Jerry: Dont do the apples. Its enough already with the apples. Carol: (from the phone; a recorded message) Hi, its Carol, Ill get back to you. George: Um, hi, its George, George Costanza, remember me? The guy that didnt come up for coffee. You see, I didnt realise that coffee didnt really mean... well, whatever. Anyway, it was fun. It was... it was fun, so... oh boy, um, so... You call me back. If you want. Its up to you, you know, whatever you wanna do. Either way. The balls in your court. So uh, take it easy. Jerry: Im just gonna get my jacket, Ill meet you downstairs. Whats the matter, did you call? George: Got her machine. Im dead, Im a dead man. That's it. Im dead, Im a dead man. Dead man. Jerry: What did you say? George: I dont know what the hell I said. I gave her an ultimatum and theres nothing I can do. Its a machine. The little light is blinking right now, Come and listen to the idiot. Hey everybody, the idiots on! Jerry: After one date you try and improvise on her machine? George: Now Im in the worst position of all. Elaine: Y'know, my brother-in-law once left a message on this guys machine, and he blurted out some business information he wasnt supposed to, and it would have cost him fifteen thousand dollars, so he waited outside the guys house and when the guy came home he went upstairs with him and he switched the tape. George: He did that? Elaine: Yeah. George: Somebody did that? Jerry: Shell call you back. You're overreacting. Jerry: Not once. Donna: Never? Jerry: I have never seen one episode of I Love Lucy in my life, ever. Donna: That's amazing. Jerry: Thank you. Donna: Is there anything else about you I should know? Jerry: Yes, Im lactose intolerant. Donna: Really? Jerry: I have no patience for lactose. And I wont stand for it. Um, Ill be right back. George: Wait till you hear this! (George sees Donna and no Jerry.) Whoa, ah, Im sorry, I didnt, I had no idea. Donna: Wait, wait. Hes in the bathroom. George: I just wanted to talk to him for a minute, but Ill come back. Donna: You dont have to leave. George: You sure? Donna: Yes. George: Okay. Donna: Im Donna. George: Donna. Oh, you're the one that likes that commercial! Donna: He told you about that? George: (back-pedalling) No, he, he didnt actually tell me that, uh, we were talking about that commercial in fact I think I brought it up because I like that commercial. No, he, he would never tell me anything. He never discusses anything. Hes, hes like a clam. You're not gonna mention this, to him... Donna: (to Jerry) So you go around telling your friends Im not hip because I like that commercial. Jerry: What? (to George) What did, what did you say? George: Say? What? Nothing, I... Donna: You told him how I like the commercial. Jerry: Well, so what if I said that? Donna: Well, so, you didnt have to tell your friends. Jerry: No, I had to tell my friends my friends didnt have to tell you. George: (to Donna) Why did you have to get me in trouble? Donna: I dont like you talking about me with your friends behind my back. George: Boy oh boy. Jerry: I said I couldn't believe you liked that commercial. So what? Donna: I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the commercial. Jerry: Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Oh uh, Kramer, this is Donna. Kramer: Oh. Cotton Dockers! George: Hello! All right, we should be going. Come on... Kramer: What? Where are we going? George: Come on! Donna: Dont bother, Im leaving. Jerry: Donna, really, you're making too much of this. Kramer: One hundred percent Cotton Dockers. If they're not Dockers, they're just pants Jerry: Please, Donna... Donna: I dont wanna hear it. George: I cant believe I said that. You know me, Im a vault. Jerry: Dont worry about it, it wasnt working anyway. Kramer: What happened there? Jerry: Ill tell you later. George: You are not gonna believe whats going on with this woman. George: Okay, so you remember I made the initial call Sunday, she doesnt call back. I call again Monday, I leave another message. I call Tuesday, I get the machine again, I know you're there, I dont know what your story is. Yesterday, Im a volcano I try one more call, the machine comes on, and I let fly like Mussolini from the balcony, Where the hell do you get the nerve? You invite me up for coffee and then you dont call me back for four days? I dont like coffee, I dont have to come up. Id like to get one more shot at the coffee just so I could spit it in your face. Jerry: You said that? George: I lost it. Jerry: I cant blame you. I cant believe she never called you back. George: She did. Today. Jerry: What? George: She called my office. She said shes been in the Hamptons since Sunday. She didnt know if I was trying to get in touch with her. Her machine broke, and shes been using her old machine and she doesnt have the beeper for it. Jerry: So she didnt get the messages. George: Exactly, but they're on there waiting. She said she cant wait to see me, were having dinner tonight. Shes supposed to call me as soon as she gets home. Jerry: But what about the messages? Jerry: Elaines thing? How you gonna get in? George: Ill meet her outside the building. Jerry: But you know as soon as she gets in the apartment shes going right for that machine. George: Unless she goes for the bathroom. That's my only chance. (George crumbles. He drops the cassette on the table.) Who am I kidding? I cant do this, I cant do this. I dont even know how to work those stupid machines. Jerry: Theres nothing to it. You lift the lid, it comes right out. George: You do it for me. Jerry: What? George: Come on, itll be so much easier. Jerry: How you gonna get me up there? George: Ill tell her I bumped into you, Im giving you a ride uptown. Jerry: And who makes the switch? George: You do. Jerry: I do. George : I cant do it. Ill, Ill keep her busy. Jerry: I cant get involved in this. George: I think I may be in love with this woman. Jerry: What if she sees me? George: Oh, you are such a wuss. Jerry: A wuss? George: Yeah. Jerry: Did you call me a wuss? George: Well there is traffic. It might take her till eight-fifteen. Jerry: I got one problem. You're keeping her busy in the other room. Now, what if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in? You have to signal me that shes coming. George: A signal, right, um, okay, uh, okay, the signal is, Ill call out tippy-toe! Jerry: Tippy Toe? I dont think so. George: You dont like tippy toe? Jerry: No tippy toe. George: All right, uh, okay, I got it, um, Ill sing. Jerry: What song? George: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? Jerry: What is that? George: Oh, its a lovely song. (singing) How do you solve a problem like Maria?... Jerry: Anything else? George: You pick it. Jerry: Lemon Tree. George: Peter, Paul and Mary. Jerry: No, Trini Lopez. Jerry & George: (singing) Lemon tree, very pretty and a lemon flower... George: Alright ok. You got the tape? Jerry: Standard. Micro. George: How do you feel? Confident? Jerry: Feel good. George: You nervous? Jerry: Not at all. George: Get up, get up, its her! Oh, the hell with this, Im scared to death, just walk away, its off, cancel everything, go! Carol: Hey! What are you doing here? I thought I was supposed to call you when I got home. George: I, I couldn't wait. I was too anxious to see you. Carol: Oh, that's so sweet. George: Oh, this is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld. I just bumped into him around the corner. Isn't that a coincidence? The funny thing is, I see him all the time. Jerry: All the time. Carol: Its nice to meet you. Jerry: Hi. Carol: So, Im starving. Where are we gonna eat? George: You know, we could go uptown, and that way we could give Jerry a ride home. Carol: Okay. Lets go, Im ready, whered you park? George: Dont you wanna go upstairs first? Carol: No, what for? Ill just give my bag to the doorman. Jerry: You know, I really need to use the bathroom. Carol: Oh well theres a bathroom in the coffee shop just next door. George: Yes, yes, but uh, I have to make a call, so... Carol: Well they have a phone. George: I know Jerry. He has this phobia about public toilets. I think we really should go upstairs. Carol: (aloud) You know, I think I will go upstairs. I can check my machine. George: Right, right. Carol: The bathrooms on the hall to the right. Jerry: Uh, you know, why dont you go first, you just had a long trip. Carol: No, Im fine. Jerry: Um, you know, its the damnedest thing. It went away. Carol: Oh, that's weird. George: No, no that can happen. Ive, uh, Ive read about that in medical journals. Its a freak thing, but... Carol: Well, let me just check my messages, and well go. George: Uh, Carol, can I talk to you for a second? Right now? Carol: Sure. George: Please, this is very, very important. George: (from other room) Uh, tippy toe! Tippy toe! Lemon tree! Carol: (to Jerry) Now I know who you are! You're a comedian. Ive seen you, its driving me crazy. Jerry: Right. I am. George: Carol, that's so rude. Please, Im serious, just for a moment, if you wouldnt mind. And then well talk to Jerry. Jerry: (calls) Hey you two. Im ready to go. Carol: That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool? George: (to Jerry) Dont you find that strange? Jerry: Yes. Carol: Well, Ill just check my machine and well go. Carol: No, nothing here, lets go. (Carol, George and Jerry head for the door. Carol opens it.) Oh, I forgot to tell you. After I talked to you today my neighbour called me and played my messages to me over the phone. George: Oh, uh... Carol: Yours were hilarious, we were both cracking up. I just love jokes like that. Jerry: I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didnt want to talk to, I could go, Excuse me, Im not in right now. If you would just leave a message, I could walk away. I also have a cordless phone, but I dont like that as much, because you cant slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone You cant talk to me like that! Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone You cant talk to me like that!

Jerry: Well, I painted my apartment again. Ive been living in this apartment for years and years, and every time I paint it, it kinda gets me down. I look around, and I think, well, its a little bit smaller now. You know, I realize its just the thickness of the paint, but Im aware of it. It just coming in and coming in. Every-time I paint it, its closer and closer. I dont even know where the wall outlets are anymore. I just look for like a lump with two slots in it. Kinda looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side. That's where I plug in. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise. You know what I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control... That's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurtling through space in your living room, watching TV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because Kirk was the only one that had the big screen. They came over Friday nights, Klingon boxing, gotta be there. Jerry: What did you do? Kramer: Mousse. I moussed up. Elaine: I guess it was just a matter of time. Kramer: You know, I should've done this years ago. I mean, I feel like I've had two lives. My pre-mousse. And now, I begin my post-mousse. Hey, tell me the truth, have you ever seen a better looking guy? Jerry: Well, looks are so subjective. Elaine: I dont mean to interrupt or anything, but on Sunday, my friend is having a brunch for the New York Marathon. Kramer: (annoyed that he forgot) Oh, I keep forgetting to enter that! Elaine: She lives right above First Avenue, says she has a perfect view of the race. And she said I can invite some friends. Jerry: Maybe. Harold: (O.S.) No, Im not going up there. Jerry: (to Elaine) Harold and Manny. Harold: Im not going. Jerry: Boys, boys. Harold: Oh, Jerry. Jerry: I slid the rent under your door, Harold. Did you get it? Harold: Yeah, yeah... Hey, Jerry, would you like anything from Mrs. Hudwalkers apartment? Manny: (in Spanish) You can't give him anything from there! Harold: I was only joking. (to Jerry) He thinks Im gonna give you Mrs. Hudwalkers things. Manny: (in Spanish) You offered them to him. Harold: (to Jerry) We have to go up there now and clean the apartment. Its a good thing her rent was overdue. Shed be rotting up there for a month. Jerry: She died? Mrs. Hudwalker died? Harold: Ninety-four years old. I found her yesterday. She didnt have her wig on. It was horrifying. Manny: (in Spanish) Harold, Come on, hurry up! Harold: (to Manny) Whats the matter with you? Im talking! So, Jerry, you know anyone who needs an apartment? Jerry: Are you kidding? You know my friend Elaine? Harold: Oh yeah, I like her. She always says hello to me. Jerry: Its not promised to anybody? Cause shed take it in a second. Harold: Well, Manny wanted it for his brother, but he got deported. Manny: (in spanish) What do you mean deported? It was a misunderstanding with the Department of Immigration. Harold: Whats the difference? Its true! Jerry: So, its okay? I could just tell her she can have it? Harold: Sure, sure. Shes getting a bargain, too. Its only four hundred dollars a month. Manny: (in Spanish) Four hundred dollars? What are you nuts? Someone will pay more. Harold: Okay... Harold: Okay! Kramer: Hey, Harold, what do you think? Harold: Manny, look. Kramer put mousse in his hair. Manny: (in Spanish) It looks worse. Kramer: (not understanding him) Hey, thanks. Elaine: What was that all about? Jerry: (coyly) Oh, nothing important. Elaine: Whats going on? What is that look? Jerry: What look? Nothing. Elaine: Somethings going on here. Jerry: I dont know if you should sit for this or not. Sitting is good if you faint, but standing is good for jumping up and down. I cant decide. Elaine: Jumping up and down? What are you talking about? Cmon. Cough it up. Jerry: Oh, Elaine. You know the way I am rarely ever thinking of myself. My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me. Sure, it hurts sometimes to give, and give, and give... Elaine: Would you please? Jerry: What would you say if I told you that... Elaine: Told me what?! Jerry: ...I got you an apartment in this building. Elaine: (dumbfounded) No. Jerry: Yes. Elaine: No. Jerry: Yes. Elaine: You didnt. Jerry: I did. Elaine: You got me an apartment in the building?! Jerry: I got you an apartment in the building. Elaine: How did you... Jerry: Remember Mrs. Hudwalker? The ninety-four-year-old woman who lived above me? Elaine: No. Jerry: She died. Elaine: (thrilled) She died?! Jerry: She died. Elaine: She died! Jerry: And the rent is only four hundred dollars a month! Elaine: Get out! Elaine: Four hundred a month? Only four hundred a month?! Jerry: Four hundred a month. Elaine: And Ill be right upstairs? Jerry: Right upstairs. Elaine: Right above you? Jerry: Right above me. Elaine: Oh, were neighbors. Ill be here all the time! Jerry: All the time. Elaine: (overly excited) We can exchange keys so we can come in and out. Oh, this is going to be great! Jerry: All the time. Jerry: The problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like you're always making a movie. You mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole shot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you could take back. You're out somewhere with people, Gee, you look pregnant.. are you? Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, that's not gonna work at all. Walk out the door, and come back in. Lets take this whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying! George: Thanks, see you later, Donna. George: What happened to you? Jerry: You cant believe what I just did. George: What? What did you do? Jerry: I could tell you what I did, but you wouldnt believe it. Its not believable. George: What did you do? Jerry: How could I have done that? George: Done what? Jerry: I told Elaine about an apartment opening up in my building. Shes going to move in. George: Elaines moving into your building? Jerry: Yes. Right above me. George: Right above you? Jerry: Yeah. George: You're gonna be neighbors. Jerry: I know. Neighbors. George: Shes right above you? Jerry: Right above me. George: How could you do that? Jerry: Cause Im an idiot! You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect, Im a much bigger idiot than you are. George: Dont insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No ones a bigger idiot than me. Jerry: Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building? George: Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos? Jerry: Shes right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, Im gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar. George: You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at womens apartments. Itll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage. Jerry: But I need the home bed advantage. George: Of course. We all do. Jerry: Come in for two minutes and sit with me. George: I was just in there. Its embarrassing. Jerry: Oh, whos gonna know? George: They saw me walk out. Jerry: Two minutes. Jerry: My censoring system broke down. You know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say? Makes sure you dont make a mistake? He went for a cup of coffee. And in that second ruined my life. George: My censor quit two years ago. He checked into a clinic. Emotionally exhausted. Jerry: So, is there any way out of this Elaine thing? George: Tough. Jerry: You know, the water pressures terrible in my building. And she loves a good shower. George: I never heard of anyone would turned down an apartment because of a weak shower spray. Jerry: If they were fanatic about showers, they might. George: For that rent, shed take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to. Jerry: Look at that woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting, coffee shop corned beef hash. Isn't that child abuse? George: Id like to have a kid. Of course, you have to have a date first... Remember my friend, Adam, from Detroit? Jerry: Yeah, the guy with the flat head. George: Hes a cube. Anyway, he got married six months ago. He told me ever since hes been wearing a wedding band, women have been coming on to him everywhere he goes. Jerry: Yeah, Ive heard that about wedding bands. George: I wonder if that's really true. Jerry: That would be an interesting sociological experiment. You know, Kramer has his fathers band. Hed loan it to you. George: Thanks a lot. Ill give it back to you in a week. Kramer: You know, I dont even know why you're fooling around with this ring. Ive been telling you, get yourself some plugs. Or a piece. George: Im not doing that. Kramer: Oh, man. You know, you're crazy. You're a good looking guy. What do you want to walk around like that for? George: No, Ill put half a can of mousse in my head like you. Harold: I told you I dont like these sponges, they're too small! I want a big sponge! Harold: You cant pick up anything with these! Theres no absorption! Jerry: Boys, boys. Harold: Hi, Jerry. Manny: Hello, Jerry. (in spanish to Harold) You tell him. Harold: Okay Manny: (in spanish to Harold again) You tell him. Harold: Your friend cant have the apartment, Jerry. Jerry: What? Harold: Because somebody offered Manny five thousand dollars for the apartment. I dont want to do it. Manny wants to do it. Manny: (in spanish) Why are you telling him it's my fault? Harold: Because its true! Why shouldn't I tell him? Jerry: Hey, hey. I understand. You're businessmen. Manny: (in spanish) Tell him that if his friend can come up with the same money then she can have the apartment. Harold: Oh, now, he says that if your friend has five thousand dollars, well give it to her. Jerry: Well, that's a lot of money. But, if that's the way its gotta be, that's the way its gotta be. Jerry: You know, I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic sequence of meaningless events, but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things. George: What happened to you? Jerry: Religion, my friend, that's what happened to me. Because, I have just been informed that its going to cost Elaine the sum of five thousand dollars to get the apartment upstairs. George: (jubilant) Five thousand dollars? She doesnt have five thousand dollars! Jerry: Of course she doesnt have five thousand dollars! George: So, she cant get the apartment. Jerry: Cant get it. George: So, she doesnt move in. Jerry: No move. So, you see, its all part of a divine plan. George: And how does the baldness fit into that plan? Jerry: (to the intercom) Elaine? Elaine: Yeah. Jerry: (to George) All right, this is going to require some great acting now. I have to pretend Im disappointed. You're going to really see me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this. Maybe you should go in the other room. George: Are you kidding? I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham! Jerry: Cause you know, I love Elaine. George: Of course you do. Jerry: But you know... not in the building. Really, I feel terrible about this. My intentions were good. What can I do? Tell me. Elaine: (to someone in the hallway) No, Ill be seeing you. (She enters the apartment; singing) "Good morning, good morning.. (to Jerry and George) Have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt its great to be alive? That every breath is a gift of sweet life from above? Elaine: Oh, and before I forget, I have the checks for the first month, last months security deposit. (laughs) I have seventy-five dollars left in my account. Jerry: Well... theres a little bit of a problem. Elaine: Oh, I know. Theres a weak shower spray, I know. Ive already thought about it, and Im switching to baths. As Winston Churchill said, Why stand when you can sit? Maybe Ill get some rubber duckies. Jerry: Uh, no uh, someone offered Harold and Manny five thousand for the apartment. Im sure theyd just as soon give it to you, but youd have to come up with that money. Elaine: Five thousand dollars? I dont have five thousand dollars. Jerry: I know. Elaine: (disappointed) How am I going to get five thousand dollars? Jerry: I have no idea. Kramer: (to Elaine) Hey, my new neighbor! Elaine: Im not moving in. Kramer: What? Elaine: They want five thousand dollars now. Kramer: So, okay uh whats the problem? Elaine: I dont have five thousand dollars. Kramer: Cmon, you can come up with five thousand dollars. (to Jerry) Jerry, you dont have five thousand dollars you can led her? Come on. Jerry: Yeah, well, I didnt- Is that something you want to borrow? Elaine: No, that's too much money to borrow. Kramer: Loan her the money. You can afford it. Jerry: She doesnt wanna borrow the money. Kramer: Oh, cmon. Shell pay you back. Whats five grand between friends? Elaine: Of course Id pay you back.. Kramer: Yeah, so whats the problem? Jerry: Who said theres a problem? Kramer: Hey see He said hed loan you the money. Elaine: Well Jerry, it might take a while for me to pay you back. Maybe a few years. How do you feel about that? Kramer: That's okay. He doesnt care. Elaine: Well, you know, money can sometimes come between friends. Kramer: Get outta here. Elaine: Let me think about it. Kramer: Whats to think about? Elaine: I dont know... I dont know. Five thousand... let me just take one more look at it. Jerry: (to Kramer) It was all over! Taken care of. Done! Finished. Five thousand. Wheres she gonna get five thousand? She doesnt have five thousand. Clean. Good bye. Shes gone. Then you come in, Why dont you loan her five thousand? What do you care? You've got five thousand. Give her five thousand! Kramer: You didnt want her in the building? Jerry: No, I didnt! Kramer: Well, then what did you loan her the five thousand for? Oh, look, maybe she wont take it. I mean, she did say that she was gonna think about it. Jerry: People dont turn down money. Its what separates us from the animals. Kramer: I still dont understand what the problem is having her in the building. Jerry: Let me explain something to you. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldnt understand. Kramer: Because Im a pod? Elaine: Ill take it! Roxanne: Hi, Elaine. Elaine: Oh, hi, Roxanne. Nice to be here. These are my friends. This is George, and this is Jerry. Jerry: Hi Elaine: Jerrys the one who got me my new apartment. Roxanne: So, you're Elaines hero. Jerry: Yes, its my lifes work. Roxanne: There are so few true heroes left in this world. George: Yeah, my wife couldn't make it today. Shes got something with her mother... Who knows whats going on with her. Dont let any one kid you, its tough. Jerry: Well, better load up on some carbos before the race. Roxanne: Oh, the marathon is great, isn't it? Jerry: Oh, yes. Particularly if you're not in it. Roxanne: I wish we had a view of the finish line. Jerry: Whats to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya, and twenty thousand losers. George: ...yeah, my wife started getting on me about the lawn today. Im tellin you, its one thing after another. Rita: Is she here? George: Uh no no, shes working. Rita: What does she do? George: Shes an... etymologist. You know, bees, flies, gnats. W-What about you? Rita: I work for the Director of Madison Square Garden. Its great! I can get free tickets to any sporting in New York. Anyway, shes a very luck woman. Enjoy the race. George: (calling after her) But.. Roxanne: Hi Stan. Joanne. Elaine: Jerry, this is Joanne, and this is Stan. They're in my short story class with Roxanne and me. Jerry: Hi how are ya? Elaine: Hey, Jerry just got me a great apartment in his building! Joanne: Well, Jerry, itll be nice having a close friend nearby. Jerry: (no amused) Fantastic. Stan: She can pop in whenever she wants. Jerry: I know. Joanne: She doesnt even need to knock! Jerry: Its tremendous. Stan: Anytime of day. Jerry: Im in heaven. Elaine: Oh, Rita come here. This is Jerry. Hes the one who got me the apartment. Rita: Oh, hi. (calling to someone) Bob, this is the guy who got Elaine the apartment. George: Im sorry, I dont see the big deal about being a matador. The bull charges, you move the cape, whats so hard? Susie: So uh, are you really married? Because, Ive actually heard of single guys who wear wedding bands to attract women. George: (laughs) Youd have to be a real loser to try something like that. Susie: That's too bad, because I really have a thing for bald guys with glasses. Rita: Hey everybody! Here come the runners! Elaine: (to Jerry) So you and Roxanne are hitting it off, huh? Jerry: Oh, I wouldnt quite say that. Elaine: Really? From a distance, you seemed to be coming on to her. Jerry: Im a guy it always looks like that. Elaine: Because, I was thinking... are you at all concerned that living in the same building will, yknow... cramp our styles? Jerry: Nah... Elaine: Because, I was worried that there might be a situation in which one of us come home with somebody, it could get a little uncomfortable. But, as long as you're okay with it, its fine with me. Janice: Ive never been able to be with just one person. I can, however, carry on strictly physical relationships which can last for years and years. Its a shame you're married. George: Umm, Im not. Its just a sociological experiment! Janice: Please... Jerry: You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didnt take it. (pointing to himself) This is an idiot. George: Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza Lord of the Idiots! Roxanne: (yelling out the window) You're all winners! George: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged... Jerry: George, I didnt sleep at all last night. I decided I have to tell her. Im just going to be honest. That's all... Yes, Im nervous... Are you listening to me?... Just put some soap on your finger. Itll slide right off... Then try axle grease... (Kramer enters; to the phone) Ill call you back after I talk to her... Bye. Kramer: Well, its all taken care of. Everythings cool. Jerry: What? Whats cool? Kramer: Elaine. Jerry: What are you talking about? Kramer: I just found a guy whos willing to pay ten thousand dollars for the apartment. Jerry: You what?! Get out! (pushes Kramer) Ten thousand? Kramer: Cash. Jerry: Who would pay that much? Kramer: Hes in the music business. Jerry: Elaine would never borrow that much money! (Jerry hugs Kramer, then grabs him by the cheeks.) Kramer, my God, man! This is beautiful! I think Im in the clear here. Elaines not moving in. I dont have to confront her. She has no idea I never wanted her to move in. Im golden! Kramer: Well, occasionally I like to help the humans. Elaine: Wow. You're right. That is loud. Jerry: Its just unbelievable. Elaine: They rehearse all the time? Jerry: All the time. Ive been up there six times. They refuse to stop. I cant live like this. I dont know what Im gonna do. Im heading for breakdown! (to Harold) Cant you do something? Harold: Im not going up. It stinks up there. Jerry: Manny... Manny: (in Spanish) They're allowed to play until eleven oclock! Harold: Im not the one who said eleven oclock. He makes up his own rules. Elaine: Boy, too bad. If I was up there, youd never hear a peep out of me. Im as quiet as a mouse. Kramer: Oh, I love the one they do right after this one! (Starts dancing) Jerry: I dont know. What do you do when a neighbor is making, like, a lot of noise at three oclock in the morning? I mean, can you knock on someones door and tell them to keep it down? You're really altering your whole self-image. I mean, what am I, Fred Mertz now? Whats happening to me? Can I do this? Am I a shusher? I used to be a shushee. Theres a lot of shushing going on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. Shh... shh... shhh... shhh... Doesnt work, cause nobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a shh. Was that a shush? I think somebody just shushed me. Some people you cant shush in a movie theater. Theres always that certain group of people, isn't it? They're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing them, and shushing them. They wont shush. They're the unshushables.

Jerry: I have to tell you that I did some very exciting news recently, and I dont know if I should really tell you exactly what it is because its really not a definite thing yet. (crowd cheers him on to tell them) Well, I will tell you what I know so far. According to the information that I have in the envelope that Ive received, it seems that I may have already won some very valuable prizes. (audience applauds) Well, thank you, thank you very much, well thank you. That's very nice to hear that. But, in all honesty, I have to say, I didnt even know I was in this thing. But, according to the readout, it looks like I am among the top people that they are considering. You know, that's what annoys me about the sweepstakes companies, they always tease you with that, You may have already won. Id like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts, come out with the truth, just tell people the truth one time. Send out envelopes, You have definitely lost! You turn it over, giant printing, Not even close! You open it up, theres this whole letter of explanation, Even we cannot believe how badly you have done in this contest. Jerry: (to Kramer) To the right. George: That took awhile. Jerry: Dont get up. George: Id like to help, but my neck.. George: So how long has it been in the basement? Jerry: Since my grandfather died. I was suppose to send it down to my parents in Florida, but they didnt want it. They told me to get rid of it, but I felt funny and then I sort of forgot about it. And its been sitting down there for three years until he saw it. (to Kramer) All right, so, just take what you want and lets get it out of here. George: Whats in it? Jerry: Grandpa clothes, I cant wear em. Kramer: You want these? Knee socks. You dont wear knee socks. Jerry: No, go ahead. Look at this place. I cant wait to get it cleaned. George: I know someone wholl do it. Shes good. Shes honest. Jerry: No, Elaines got this writer friend from Finland, Rava. Her boyfriend goes to Columbia grad school, and hes suppose to do it. George: Students cant clean. Its anathema. (explaining) They dont like it. Jerry: How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation? Kramer: Now this I like. George: Wait a second. (George gets up and heads for the statue in Kramers hands.) I cant believe this! Let me see this. Kramer: Wait, wait, wait... George: Let me just see it. Kramer: Come on... George: Let me just see it for a second. George: Oh my God, its exactly the same! Jerry: What? George: When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly. And, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, MacArthur Park, and I got to the part about, Ill never have that recipe again, and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the ten commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked. Kramer: Cmon, George. I saw it first. George: No, Kramer. I have to have this statue. Kramer: No, I got dibs! George: What? No dibs! I need this statue. Cmon, give it! Jerry: Spread out, spread out you numbskulls. Why dont you just settle it like mature adults? Kramer: Potato man! George: No, no, no potato man. Inka-dink. Kramer: Okay...yea well uh start with me. George: Yeah, good, good. Jerry: Inka-dink, a bottle of ink, the cork fell out, and you stink. Jerry: Not because you're dirty, not because you're clean just because you kissed the girl behind the magazine... Jerry: And you are it! Kramer: What?! Wait a minute. No, no, no. What are you doing? No, no, oh, oh, okay. Hes out. I get it. George: No, no, no, no, Im It. I win. Jerry: No, hes It. He wins. It is good. Kramer: Do over start with him. Jerry: No, no, no, come on, Kramer. Now, you got the socks. Kramer: All right, you can have it. (Kramer tosses the statue to George.) George: (not expecting the statue to be thrown) Dit. Kramer: Okay, Im gonna take the suit, and the shoes, and the hat. Jerry: All right, cmon. Lets go. Kramer: Hey, I look like Joe Friday in Dragnet. George: I cant believe I won at Inka-dink. Jerry: Come on, lets go. George: Yea. Jerry: Arent you gonna take it? George: No, no, no, I dont want to carry it around all night. Ill pick it up later. George: (to Kramer) What about your stuff? Kramer: Oh, uh, well - okay. Jerry: All right, lets go. Hey, you know, you owe me one. George: What? Jerry: The Inka-dink.. You were It. George: Its bad? Jerry: Its very bad. Rava: Well, if they dont let you be my editor on this book, Ill go to another publisher. Its that simple. Elaine: You told them that? Rava: Of course. Elaine: (excited) This is so fantastic. I dont know how to thank you. Jerry: (to Rava) So, wheres this boyfriend of yours? I cant wait much longer. Ive got a flight. Elaine: Oh, probably caught in traffic. Rava: Or maybe hes dead. Jerry: So what do you write, childrens books? Rava: That's Ray. Ray: Ah, greetings, greetings, and salutations. I beg your forgiveness. My tardiness was unavoidable. Rava, my love. Elaine, my dear friend. And you must be Jerry. Lord of the manor. Ah, my liege. A pleasure to serve you. Jerry: All right... Rava: And we have to get back to work. Jerry: I gotta get to the airport. Ray: Your palace shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your save arrival, Sire. Jerry: The uh toilet brush is under the sink. Jerry: I dont really feel that comfortable with a maid, either, because theres that guilt when you have someone cleaning your house. You know, you're sitting there on your sofa, and they go by with the vacuum, Im really sorry about this. I dont know why I left that stuff over there. And that's why I could never be a maid, because Id have an attitude. Id find them, wherever they are in the house, Oh, I suppose you couldn't do this? No, dont get up, let me clean up your filth. No, you couldn't dust. No, this is too tough, isn't it? Jerry: He really did an amazing job. Look! He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid! (Jerry opens refrigerator.) He cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups! Come here, look at this. (He gets on his knees and points.) He cleaned the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter. How did he get in there?! He must be like Rubber Man! Elaine: Theres no Rubber Man. Jerry: Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? Theres Elastic Man... Plastic Man... Elaine: Im leaving. Jerry: Where are you going? Elaine: To Ravas house. Ive gotta pick up her manuscript. Jerry: Oh wait. Ill go with you. Jerry: Elaine, he Windexed the little peep hole! Elaine: (to Rava) So, the meeting with Lippman is all set. Hes the editor-in-chief! I think because of your request- Rava: Demand. Elaine: They're going to promote me to editor. Rava: Daantotin. (There is a sound of the front door being unlocked.) Theres Ray... late as usual. Ray: Well, this is an unexpected surprise and delight! The once and future king of comedy, Jerry the First, gracing our humble abode. Rava, were in the presence of royalty. Jerry: Hey, Ray, listen, you really did a tremendous job cleaning that apartment. Ray: But I didnt just clean your apartment. It was a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration of life. Jerry: Shouldnt you be out on a ledge somewhere? Rava: The water is boiling. Are you having tea? Elaine & Ray: Yes. Elaine: Jerry? Jerry! Jerry: What? Rava: (from the kitchen) Ray, would you give me a hand? Ray: Yeah, Im coming! Jerry: I think that's the statue from my house. That looks like the statue from my house! Elaine: What statue? Jerry: I had a statue! Elaine: You have a statue? I never saw a statue. Jerry: My grandfather gave me a statue! Elaine: Since when? Jerry: Whats the difference?! That's the one! He ripped me off! This guy ripped me off! Ray: Do you take sugar? Jerry & Elaine: Uhh... no. Jerry: I cant believe it! This guy ripped me off! Elaine: Do you realize what you're saying? Jerry: Yes! This guy ripped me off! He stole that statue right out of my house! Ray: Lemon? Jerry & Elaine: Uh... sure/yeah.. Elaine: Are you sure? Jerry: Pretty sure! Ninety-nine percent sure. Elaine: Ninety-nine percent sure?! Ray: Ah, sweet elixir. Its fragrant nectar a soothing balm for the soul. Rava: Ah those are the pastries, Ray take care of that, I'm going to get Elaine the manuscript. Ray: Ah, the pastries! Elaine: Maybe it just looks the same. Maybe its just a coincidence. Jerry: Coincidence? This guys in my apartment and then, just by coincidence, he has the same exact statue in his apartment? Elaine: I never saw the statue. Jerry: I had a statue! What should I do? Elaine: I dont know. Jerry: Ill call Kramer. He can check my house. Elaine: Oh Jerry, dont blow this for me. Jerry: Dont worry. (whispering into the phone) Kramer! Kramer!... Its Jerry!... Jerry!... From next door!... Never mind where I am!... Yes, Jerry Seinfeld!... Jerry: Ma, I told you, just dip the bread in the batter, and put in right in the pan... Okay, bye. (Jerry hangs up; to Rava) My mother. She forgot how to make French toast. You know how mothers are. Rava: My mother left us when I was six years old. All seven of us. We never heard from her again. I hope shes rotting in an alley somewhere! Jerry: My moms down in Florida. Shes got uh one of those condos. Hot down there in the summer. You ever been down there? Ray: I love these pastries. You know, in Scandinavian mythology, the pastries were the food of the gods. Jerry: Listen, uh I just remembered... Im... uh, getting a facial. Elaine: Oh, see you tomorrow morning. Ray: How about dinner? Jerry: No, I dont eat dinner. Dinners for suckers. Jerry: Uh huh... Yeah... Okay, thanks anyway... Bye. Jerry: Nope, the cop says its my word against his. Theres nothing they can do. Kramer: Lets go get him. Jerry: Yeah, right. George: We cant just let him get away with this. Jerry: Do you realize how crazy he had to be to do something like this? He knew I was gonna know its missing, and he took it! And of all things to take! I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. Hes crazy. Kramer: You wanna go get him? Elaine: Well, then, if hes crazy you should just forget it. George: Forget it? I already called my parents. I told them to expect the surprise of a lifetime. My mothers making her roasted potatoes! Elaine: George, do you realize that Rava has asked me to edit her book? George: Who is this Rava? Kramer: I say we get him. Elaine: No! George: Let me just call him. Jerry: Ill call him. (Jerry picks up the cordless phone. He points to the rotary phone on the coffee table. Kramer, George, and Elaine struggle for it.) Hello, Ray?... Hi, Ray, this is Ravas friend, Elaines friend, Jerry... The King of Comedy, right. Listen, you know that statue on your mantle, the one with the blue lady? (He covers the reciever and yells at Kramer and George.) Would you shut up?! (to the phone) Yeah, you dont want to talk about it over the phone?.. You dont want Rava to hear?... Yeah, I understand... You know that coffee shop near my house, Monks?... All right, tomorrow... One o clock... Great, okay, bye. Elaine: All right, look, look, look. Lets say he stole it. George: Oh, he stole it! Elaine: Cmon, you cant do anything about it. The cops wont do anything. What, are you going to fight him? Why dont you just forget it? Jerry & George: No. George: I thought you said one oclock. Jerry: Relax, hes late. Hes always late. Its part of his M.O. George: Remember, dont take any crap. Jerry: Yeah, yeah. Dont worry about it. George: Ill be right here. Jerry: That's comforting. Shh. Hes coming. (to Ray) Ray? Ray: Oh, Jerry. I cant believe you asked me about that statue. Do you know how much trouble you couldve got me into? Jerry: Well, I didnt... Ray: Rava was standing right next to me. I never told her where I got the statue. George: (muttering to himself) I wonder why. Jerry: Well, just give it back, and I wont say anything. Ray: Give it back? Jerry: Yeah. Ray: What are you talking about? Jerry: What are you talking about? George: What is he talking about? Ray: Im talking about the statue. Jerry: Yeah, me too. Ray: Give it back to whom? Jerry: Me. George: Yeah, him. Ray: You? Jerry: Yeah. Me. Ray: Im not getting this. George: You already got it. Jerry: Ray, I had a statue in my house. You were in my house and then I saw it in your house. Ray: What are you saying? Jerry: What am I saying? George: Take a wild guess. Ray: Are you saying I stole your statue? George: What a mind. Jerry: Well, I... Ray: I cant believe what Im hearing. Jerry: I cant believe what Im hearing. George: I cant believe what Im hearing. Ray: For your information, I got that statue in a pawn shop. George: Pawn shop? Jerry: A pawn shop? Ray: Yes. In Chinatown with the money I earned cleaning peoples apartments. George: Cleaning them out. Jerry: Oh, excuse me... Look, Ray, you were the only person in my house. Ray: Whats behind this? Its Rava, isn't it? George: Again with the Rava. Ray: You want her. Jerry: No, shes a little too cheery for me. Ray: Shes from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand?! Jerry: I know Finland. They're neutral. Ray: Is it me? Do I rub you the wrong way? Jerry: No, I actually find you quite charming. A bit verbose at times... George: Oh, I find you so charming. You wuss. Jerry: (to George) Did you call me a wuss? Ray: What did you say? Jerry: I said luss. Im at a luss. Ray: I would just love to take you down to the shop where I got it. Jerry: That's not necessary. (George slams his menu down on the table repeatedly.) You know, maybe its not that bad an idea. Ray: And I would love to. Nothing would please me more. But, unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to Singapore. George: Singapore?! Do you hear this? Ray: If you really want, maybe I can contact the guy in Singapore and have him make a photostat of the receipt and send it over. George: That's it! That's it! I cant take it. I cant take it anymore! You stole the statue! You're a theif! You're a liar! Jerry: George... Ray: Who is this? George: Im the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is guilty! Ray: Whats going on here? George: GUILTY! Ray: Your friend is crazy. George: Oh, Im crazy! Jerry: George, george... Ray: Ive got to get going. I have a class. George: Oh ho! Class, huh? At Columbia? Let me tell you something, pal. I called the registrars office. I checked you out. They have no record of a Ray Thomas at that school! You liar! Ray: Well, that's because Im registered under my full legal name, Raymond Thomas Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional name. George: You mean alias. Ray: You are starting to make me angry! George: Well, that was bound to happen. Ray: (to Jerry) I hope you think about what you've done here today. And if you want to call and apologize, you know where to reach me. Jerry: Hey, Ray. Ray: Yes? Jerry: How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle! Elaine: Nervous? Rava: Why should I be? Elaine: Yeah. Right. Rava: Your notes are very insightful. Elaine: The book is great. Did you go out last night? Rava: No. We made love on the floor like two animals. Ray is insatiable. Elaine: They all are. Rava: Was Jerry? Elaine: I cant remember. Rava: You know, Ray is very upset over these accusations. Elaine: Oh, well, Im staying out of this one. This is between them. I am not getting involved. Rava: So you think he stole it?! Elaine: Well, you have to admit... the circumstantial evidence... Rava: I admit nothing! Man: Will you put that cigarette out, please? Elaine: Well, I mean, he was in the apartment, and then its gone and its in your apartment. Rava: Maybe you think were in cahoots. Elaine: No, no. But it is quite a coincidence. Rava: Yes, that's all a coincidence! Elaine: A big coincidence. Rava: Not a big coincidence. A coincidence! Elaine: No, that's a big coincidence. Rava: That's what a coincidence is! There are no small coincidences and big coincidences! Elaine: No, there are degrees of coincidences. Rava: No, there are only coincidences! Ask anyone! Rava: Are there big coincidences and small coincidences, or just coincidences? Well?! Well?! Man: Will you put that cigarette out?! Rava: Maybe I put it out on your face! (To Elaine) Its just like Ray said. You and Jerry are jealous of our love. You're trying to destroy us. Elaine: Shouldnt you be out on a ledge somewhere? George: Ma, will you stop?... Its just a statue!... How is it my fault?!... It was stolen. I didnt even touch it this time... Okay, fine... I dont see why this should affect to potatoes!... Okay... Goodbye. (George hangs up.) She doesnt react to disappointment very well. Unlike me. Kramer: Im not happy about this. Elaine: Why dont we just throw a Molotov cocktail through their window? George: Theres just no justice. This experience has changed me. Its made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded. Jerry: Really? George: (casually) Sure, why not. Elaine: Well, how do you think I feel? Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent, I am proofreading a food allergy cookbook. Jerry: Cant you talk to your boss? Elaine: I did. He loves Rava. Worse, he loves Ray. And he didn't think you're funny at all. Kramer: (talking to himself) Im not happy about this. Jerry: Well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice.. George: Yeah, hell have my parents. Kramer: (from the other side of the door) Police! Open up! Ray: Police? Kramer: Freeze, mother! Ray: Hey. Kramer: Shut up. Spread em. I said spread em! (looks around) You're in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods... and uh, uh... murder. Ray: Murder?! Kramer: Shut up! Keep em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert! Ray: I think you have me confused with somebody else. Kramer: Is your name Ray? Ray: Yeah. Kramer: Yeah, you're the punk Im looking for! Ray: Hey, hey, are you a cop? Kramer: Yeah, Im a cop. Im a good cop. Im a damn good cop! (On that line, Kramer points to Ray, and Ray turns back to the wall. Kramer heads for the door.) Todays your lucky day, junior, cause Im gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me? Ray: Got you? I dont even know what the hell you're talking about. Kramer: Good, good. Lets uh keep it that way. Jerry: All right, all right. Whats the big hubbub, bub? George: Kramer, I cant believe it. Oh, you're my hero! Kramer: Yeah. Jerry: Kramer, what did you do? Kramer: Well, lets just say I didnt take him to Peoples Court. George: I feel like a huge weights been lifted off my shoulders. I... I... I feel happy! Kramer, I dont know how to thank you! Kramer: Well, Ill think of something. Jerry: People are going to steal from you. You cant stop them. But, everybody has their own little personal security things. Things that they think will foil the crooks, you know? In your own mind, right? You go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker, whos gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? I tied a bow. They cant get through that. I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.

Jerry: Whenever I see the news and they're hauling in some kind of terrorist, psycho, maniac, mass murderer guy. You notice he's always covering up his face with the newspaper, with the jacket, with the hat. What is he worried about? I mean what is this man's reputation? That he has to worry about this kind of exposure damaging his good name? I mean, what is he up for a big job promotion down at the office or something? Afraid the boss is gonna catch this on TV and go "isn't that Johnson from sales? He's up in that clock tower picking people off one by one. I don't know if that's that kind of man we want heading up that new branch office. He should be in bill collection. I think he's got aptitude." Levitan: (on the phone) Ha ha, she was great. You don't want to know. Hey Breaky, remind me to tell you what we did in Lake George. (laughing) Get this...I got it all on video. (laughing) George: That's it. This is it. I'm done. Through. It's over. I'm gone. Finished. Over. I will never work for you again. Look at you. (laughing) You think you're an important man? Is that what you think? You are a laughingstock. You are a joke. These people are laughing at you. You're nothing! You have no brains, no ability, nothing! (knocking object over on desk) I quit! Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Hey. Kramer: Boy, I have really had it with Newman. He wakes me up again last night at three o'clock in the morning to tell me he's going up onto the roof to kill himself. Jerry: Well, what'd you say? Kramer: I said " Jump." Well, he's been threatening to do this for years. I said " Look, if you're gonna kill yourself do it already and stop bothering me." At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing something. Jerry: What's his problem? Kramer: No job. No women. Jerry: He called the right guy. Kramer: Well, what am I supposed to tell him? How much there is for him to live for? Why should I lie to him? Jerry: All right, I'm leaving. I going to the laundry. Kramer: Why don't you use the machines down in the basement? Jerry: Fluff and Fold. The only way to live. (snapping fingers in tune with words) I drop it off. I pick it up. It's a delight. Kramer: How 'bout if I put a few things - Jerry: Wait a sec. I don't wanna do - Kramer: Well, you're going over there. Jerry: I don't wanna mix in everything! My guys don't know your guys. You can't just lock 'em all in the same machine together. They'll start a riot. Kramer: Have you ever met my guys? Jerry: No. I can't say as I have. Kramer: Well! Jerry: All right. Put 'em on top. Kramer: Ah! Jerry: Oh, beautiful. Jerry: This stuff on top is my friends. Could I get it done in a separate machine? Vic: I'll have to charge you for another machine. Jerry: Whatever it costs. In fact, I would prefer it if the machines are not even touching each other. Because something could, you know, jump across. George: Guess what. Jerry: How did you know I was here? George: Kramer. Guess what. Jerry: I don't know. George: I quit my job. Jerry: Get outta here. George: I couldn't take it anymore. Vic: You can have this on Monday. (hands Jerry a ticket) Jerry: What happened? Levitan? George: I go in to use his private bathroom, everybody uses it, and then I get a memo - a memo - telling me to use the men's room in the hall. Well, (laughing) I mean we share it with Pace Electronics. It's disgusting! Jerry: You and your toilets. George: I snapped! It was the last straw. (sighs) Jerry: So, what are you gonna do now? Are you gonna look for something else in real estate? George: Nobody's hiring now. The market's terrible. Jerry: So what are you gonna do? George: I like sports. I could do something in sports. Jerry: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity? George: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something. Jerry: Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get. George: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game. Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments. George: What about that? Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting. George: Well, that's really not fair. Jerry: I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do ya like? George: Movies. I like to watch movies. Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. George: Do they pay people to watch movies? Jerry: Projectionists. George: That's true. Jerry: But you gotta know how to work the projector. George: Right. Jerry: And it's probably a union thing. George: (scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports,...movies. What about a talk show host? Jerry: Talk show host. That's good. George: I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host. Jerry: Really? George: Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start? Jerry: Well, that's where it gets tricky. George: You can't just walk into a building and say " I wanna be a talk show host." Jerry: I wouldn't think so. George: It's all politics. Jerry: All right. Okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else? George: This could have been a huge mistake. Jerry: Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through. George: (sighs) Guess not. What should I do? Jerry: Maybe you can just go back. George: Go back? Jerry: Yeah. Pretend like it never happened. George: You mean just walk into the staff meeting on Monday morning like it never happened? Jerry: Sure. You're an emotional person. People don't take you seriously. George: Just..go back. Pretend the whole thing never happened. Jerry: Never happened. George: I was just blowin' off a little steam. So what? Jerry: So what? You're entitled. George: I'm emotional. Jerry: That's right. You're emotional. George: Never happened. Jerry: Never happened. Jerry: To me the most annoying thing about the couple of times that I did work in an office. Is that when you go in, in the morning you say Hi to everyone and for some reason throughout the day you have to continue to greet these people all day every time you see them. I mean you walk in "morning Bill, morning Bob, how you doing? fine" Ten minutes later you see him in the hall, "How ya doin'?" Every time you pass you gotta come up with another little greeting. You know you start racking your brains you know you do the little eyebrow "Hey" You start coming up with nicknames for them. "Jimbo." George: How ya doin'? Glenda: What are you doing here? George: What? I work here. Glenda: I thought you quit. George: What quit? (laughing) Who quit? Dan: Bill, how was your weekend? Bill: Oh, excellent weekend. What about your weekend? Dan: Fine weekend. George: Yeah. Good weekend. Dan: Went up to the Cape. Took the kids sailing. (laughing) Lisa was a little scared at first, but that kids' gonna be a good sailor someday. George: Aw, she's gonna be a fine sailor. Levitan: Ava, what happened to you Friday afternoon? Ava: Oh, I got a little tied up. Levitan: I'll bet you did. Levitan: I wanna remind everyone that the tenth anniversary party for Rick Barr Properties is gonna be Wednesday afternoon at four o'clock in Lasky's Bar, on Madison 48th. I want all of you to be there. This really means a lot to me. Is that Costanza over there? What are you doing here? George: What? Levitan: Am I crazy, or didn't you quit? George: When? Levitan: Friday. George: Oh, what? What? That? Are you kidding? I didn't quit. What? You took that seriously? Levitan: You mean, laughingstock? All that stuff? George: Come on. Will you stop it. Levitan: No brains? No ability? George: Teasing. Levitan: Okay. I want you outta here. George: I don't know where you're getting this from. I...you're serious aren't you? Oh, (laughing) you see? You see, you just don't know my sense of humor. Dan, don't I joke around all the time? Dan: I wouldn't say all the time. Levitan: You can't win. You can't beat me. That's why I'm here and you're there. Because I'm a winner. I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser. George: " I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser." This is what he said to me. Jerry: Well, so that's that. George: No. That's not that. Jerry: That's not that? George: No. Jerry: Well, if that's not that, what is that? George: I've got some plans. I got plans. Jerry: What kind of plans? George: What's the difference? Jerry: You don't wanna tell me? George: I'm gonna slip him a mickey. Jerry: What? In his drink? Are you outta your mind? What are you Peter Lorre? George: You don't understand. He's got this big party coming up. He's been looking forward to this for months. This is gonna destroy the whole thing. Jerry: What if you destroy him? George: No. No. No. No. No. Don't worry. It's perfectly safe. I researched it. He'll get a little woozy. He might keel over. Jerry: Well, wha - what does that do? Big deal. George: This is what they would do in the movies! It's a beautiful thing! It's like a movie! I'm gonna slip him a mickey! Jerry: You've really gone mental. George: Nah. Jerry: Where are you gonna get this mickey? I can't believe I'm saying "mickey"! George: I got a source. Jerry: You got a mickey source? George: And Elaine is gonna keep him busy. Jerry: Elaine? How did you rope her into this? George: I told her what a sexist he is. How he cheats on his wife. Jerry: She knew that. George: But she didn't know he doesn't recycle. Jerry: What is the point of all this? George: Revenge. Jerry: Oh, the best revenge is living well. George: There's no chance of that. Jerry: Did you get your laundry? Kramer: Yeah. Jerry: What's with you? Kramer: He jumped. Jerry: What? Kramer: Yeah. Newman jumped. Jerry: Did he call you last night? Kramer: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jerry: What did you say? Kramer: I said " Wave to me when you pass my window." Jerry: Whew. Did he wave? Kramer: No! He jumped from the second floor. Mr. Papanickolous saw him from across the street. He's lying out there faking. See, he's trying to get back at me. Jerry: (realizing something) Oh, my god! Kramer: What's the matter? Jerry: (tearing through his laundry bag) Well, on Thursday when I came home I had $1500 on me. For some reason I decided to hide it in my laundry bag and then I completely forgot about it...and then I took the laundry in on Friday! Oh, come on, let's go. Kramer: Where? Where? Jerry: To the Laundromat. Vic: I never saw it. Kramer: Okay. Come on. Give the guy his money. What - what are you doing? Vic: Hey, you see that sign right there? (Points to a sign saying "Not Responsible for Valuables" Jerry: Oh, I see. So, you put up a sign so you can do whatever you want? You're not a part of society. Vic: Yea that's right, 'cuz this place is my country and I'm the president, and that's my constitution. I'm not responsible. Jerry: So, anybody leaves anything here, you can just take it? You have a license to steal? You are like the James Bond of laundry? Vic: You ever hear of a bank? Jerry: Come on. Let's go. Kramer: No. You can't let him get away with this. Elaine: Which one is he? George: That's him over there. The one that looks like a blowfish. Elaine: Oh, yeah. I see him. George: Yeah. Hey, thanks for doing this. Elaine: Why pass up the opportunity to go to prison? George: This is by far the most exciting thing I've ever done. Elaine: Yeah. It is kind of cool. George: First time in my life I've ever gotten back at someone. Elaine: I can't believe we're doing this. This is the kind of thing they do in the movies. George: That's exactly what I told Jerry! Elaine: Really? George: Yes! (both laugh) God, I've never felt so alive! Jerry: Maybe we should call this off. Kramer: Come on. What's the big deal? Just gonna put a little concrete in the washing machine. Jerry: And what's gonna happen? Kramer: Well, it'll gonna mix up with the water, and then by the end of the cycle it'll be a solid block! Jerry: If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile. You're like Lex Luthor. Kramer: You keep him busy. Kramer: Whoa! George: You go over there - Elaine: Yeah. George: You start flirting with him and I'll come by and, while you're keeping him busy, I'll slip it in his drink. Elaine: Wouldn't it be easier just to punch him in the mouth? Levitan: Come on! They're terrible. They got no infield. Elaine: Oops! (bumps into Levitan) 'Scuse me. Levitan: Yeah. Greeny: I'm gonna get some food. You want some? Levitan: Nah. Elaine: Hi. Levitan: Hi. Elaine: (sneezes) Levitan: God bless you. Elaine: Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much. (blowing nose) Really. I mean that. I am not one of those people who give insincere thank you's. No sir. No sir. When I thank someone I really thank them. So, thank... yoooou! Levitan: (confused) You're welcome. Elaine: People don't say " God bless you " as much as they used to. Have you noticed that? Levitan: No. Elaine: (having trouble getting him to pay attention) So, I'm going to a nudist colony next week. Levitan: (interested) Nudist colony? Elaine: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love nudist colonies. They help me..unwind. Aah! Levitan: (laughing) I'd never been to a nudist colony. Elaine: Oh, really? Oh, you should go. They're great. They're great. Of course, when it's over, it's - it's hard to get used to all this clothing, you know. So, a lot of times, I'll just lock the door to my office and I'll just sit there naked. Levitan: Seriously? Elaine: Oh, yeah. I usually work naked a...couple hours a day. George: (whispering) Glenda, can I ask you a favor? Can I have this seat? Glenda: (loud) What do you have to sit here for? There are plenty of other seats. George: (whispering) I can't explain. It's very important that I sit here. Glenda: (loud) What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were fired. George: (whispering angrily) Okay. Okay. Fine. Elaine: I cook naked, I clean...I clean naked, I drive naked. Naked. Naked. Naked. Levitan: Who are you? Elaine: Oh, you don't wanna know, mistah. I'm trouble. Big trouble. Jerry: (trying to divert Vic's attention) What about the gentle cycle? You ever use that? Jerry: Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle? Jerry: What about fine fabrics? How do you deal with that kind of temperament? Jerry: What about stone washing? You ever witness one of those? That must be something. What? Do they just pummel the jeans with rocks? Kramer: I didn't realize it was a full box. George: (trying again with Glenda) I'm gonna count to three. If you don't give up the chair, the wig is coming off. Glenda: I don't' wear a wig. George: One... (Glenda seeing George is serious; gets up and leaves) Elaine: No. No. No. No. No. I don't really have a phone. In fact, I - I really don't have an apartment. I kinda sleep around. Elaine: I just like to have and few drinks and just let the guy do whatever he wants. Would you close your eyes for a second? I wanna tell you a secret about my bra. George: Hello, Rick. Levitan: Heh heh heh hey! Look who's here! George: That's right, Ricky Boy, it's me! Levitan: You know something, Costanza? I'm a very lucky man. George: Oh! Levitan: I've always been lucky. Things just seem to fall right in my lap. George: Boom! Levitan: You wouldn't believe it if I told you. In fact, uh, I'm glad you're here. You know, maybe I've been a little rough on ya, huh? George: Oh. Levitan: Why should we let petty, personal differences get in the way of business? I, uh, I want you to come back. (George is shocked) You can use my bathroom anytime you want. George: You want me to come back? Uh... Levitan: Hey! How about a toast, huh? Everybody, a toast! George: Rick. Levitan: Everyone, I wanna propose a toast to ten great years at Rick Barr Properties. George: Uh, Rick.. Levitan: And all the people in this room, (clears throat) that made that possible.. George: Rick. Levitan: I'd also like to welcome back into the fold our..our little shrimpy friend, George Costanza who, although he didn't really have a very good year - how you blew that McConnell deal, I'll never know. But, hey, what the hell, huh? We've always enjoyed his antics around the office. Heh heh. Anything you wanna add to this? George: Drink up. (Levitan takes a drink) George: I like history. Civil War. Maybe I could be a professor, or something. Elaine: Well, to teach something you really have to know a lot about it. I think you need a degree. Jerry: Yeah. That's true. Kramer: (seeing Jerry is with people) Oh. Jerry: What? (Kramer hands Jerry an envelope) My God, the money! The 1500! Where'd you find it? Kramer: It was in my laundry. Jerry: In your laundry the whole time? I told you not to mix in our guys. What did we figure the damage on that machine would be? Kramer: It was about 1200 bucks. Newman: Kramer! Kramer: Oh! That's Newman. (goes over to the window) Newman: I'm on the roof! Kramer: (yelling up) Well, what are you waiting for? Jerry: Elaine, come on, take a walk with me down to the Laundromat. I gotta pay this guy the money.. George: (talking to nobody) I like horses. Maybe I could be a stable boy. Kramer: You wanna shoot some pool tonight? Newman: I can't. I'm goin' to a movie. George: (talking to nobody) Nah. It's probably a union thing. Jerry: People like the idea of revenge. Have you ever heard the expression 'The best revenge is living well' I've said this, in other words it means supposedly the best way to get back at someone is just by being happy and successful in your own life. Sounds nice, doesn't really work on that Charles Bronson. kinda level. You know what I mean, those movies where his whole family gets wiped out by some street scum. You think you could go up to him, 'Charlie forgot about the 357 what you need is a custom-made suit and a convertible. New carpeting, french doors, a divan. That'll show those punks.'

[Setting: Night club] Jerry: You know, I tell ya, I gotta say that I'm enjoying adulthood. For a lot of reasons. And, I'll tell you reason number one as an adult, if I want a cookie, I have a cookie, okay? I have three cookies or four cookies, or eleven cookies if I want. Many times I will intentionally ruin my entire appetite. Just ruin it. And then, I call my mother up right after to tell her that I did it. "Hello, Mom? yeah, I just ruined my entire appetite.. cookies." So what if you ruin.. See, because as an adult, we understand even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite coming right behind it. There's no danger in running out of appetites. I've got millions of them, I'll ruin them whenever I want! [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Tv Voice: (Germanic) Look, Sigmund. Look in the sky. The planets are on fire. It is just as you prophesied. The planets of our solar system, incinerating. Like flaming globes, Sigmund. Like flaming globes.. Ah, ha, ha, ha.. [Setting: Jerry's bedroom] [Setting: Coffee shop] Elaine: What do you got, a cucumber? George: Yeah, so what? Elaine: You're bringing in an ouside cucumber? George: They refuse to put cucumber in the salad. I need cucumber. Jerry: (Trying to read the note) What have I done? I can't read this! Ful-hel-mo-nen-ter-val? I got up last night, I wrote this down, I thought I had this great bit. Elaine: No. Let me see that. (Takes the paper from Jerry) Don't-mess-with-Johnny." Jerry: Johnny? Johnny who? Johnny Carson? Did I insult Johnny on The Tonight Show? Elaine: (Joking) Did you mess with Johnny, Jerry? George: Let me see that. (Studies the note) Elaine: Hey, where's Kramer? Jerry: I don't know. That's like asking "Where's Waldo?" George: (Still holding the note) I think I'm having a heart attack. Jerry: I don't think that's it. George: I'm not kidding. Jerry: What does that mean? Elaine: I think what he's trying to say is that he's having a heart attack. Jerry: Oh, he's having a heart attack. George: Tightness.. Jerry: C'mon. George: Shortness of breath.. Jerry: Oh, this is ridiculous. George: Radiating waves of pain.. Jerry: I know what this is. You saw that show on PBS last night, Coronary Country. (To Elaine) I saw it in the TV Guide. I called him and told him to make sure and not watch it. George: There was nothing else on. Oh, the left arm.. the left arm. Jerry: (To Elaine) He saw that show on anorexia last year, and ate like an animal for two weeks. George: Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed. Jerry: So what do you want? You want me take you to the hospital? George: Manhattan Memorial, less of a line. Jerry: I'll call an ambulance. (Exits) Waitress: Is everything alright? George: We'll just take a check. (She leaves the check. George, in all his cheapness, can't help but to review the check. He finds an error) You made a mistake on the.. Elaine: George! [Setting: Hospital room] Man: Ooohhh... Argghhh.. George: Are.. are you okay? Man: Ooooooohhh.. George: I'm George.. George Costanza.. I've never been in the hospital a day in my life.. except when I had my tonsils out. You know, they never gave me any ice cream. I always felt that- Man: Shut up! Jerry: Well? What do you think? Nurse 1: "Salami, salami, bologna." Definitely. Jerry: "Salami salami bologna"? Doctor: (In a hurry) Oh, your friend's fine. He didn't have a heart attack. I'll be in - in a few minutes. Jerry: (Sarcastic) What a surprise. (Enters George's room overly sympathetic - leading George to think that the Doctor told Jerry something significant) Hey, how ya doin' buddy? You need anything? Do you want me to go out and get you a Superman comic? George: No, no thanks. Jerry: (Still going along with the practical joke) You know, I was wondering.. You know that Black Hawks jacket you have? George: Oh, sure, my Black Hawks jacket. I love my Black Hawks jacket. Jerry: Well, you know, I was thinking - if things don't exactly work out.. George: Well, it wouldn't fit you. The sleeves are too short. Jerry: No, I tried it on. It fits good. George: Well, I didn't really think about what I was gonna do with all.. Jerry: Well, you know.. George: (Reluctantly) Well, okay. Jerry: Oh, and.. do you think it would be alright if I called Susan Davis? George: Susan Davis? (Getting possessive) Hey, wait a second.. Jerry: Well, it's not like we'd be bumping into you. George: I don't know.. you and Susan Davis? Jerry: You know, if your future was a little more certain.. George: Okay, go ahead. Call her, get married, have babies, have a great life.. What do I care? I'm finished. (Really depressed) It's all over for me. In fact, let's end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow and put it over my face. Jerry: Well, ah.. (Takes his pillow) What? Kind of like this? (Violently smothers George with the pillow. George freaks out. He didn't think Jerry would actually do it) George: What are ya doing?! Whadya, crazy?! Elaine: Jerry! Jerry: (Acts like he was cought red-handed) Elaine, what are you doing here? (Takes the pillow off George, and puts it back on his bed) George: (To Jerry) Jerk off. Jerry: (Whispering) There's nothing wrong with him. I saw the doctor. He's fine. Elaine: Hi, George. How ya feeling? Is anybody getting your apartment? George: I'll tell ya, if I ever get out of here, I'm gonna change my life. I'm gonna do a whole Zen thing. Take up yoga, meditate.. I'll eat right. Calm down, lose my anger.. (Sees Jerry and Elaine aren't listening. He snaps) Hey, is anybody listening?! Doctor: (To Elaine) Uh, hello. (To George) Uh, Mr. Costanza? George: (Panicky) Uh, yeah. You know, Doctor, I gotta tell you, I feel a lot better. Doctor: Well, we looked at your EKG's, ran some tests, did a complete work-up. George: (Getting in a more panicked state) Oh God, Mommy! Doctor: And you simply haven't had a heart attack. George: (Relieved) I haven't? I'm okay? I'm okay? Oh, thank you, thank you, Doctor! I don't know how to thank you. Jerry: (Sarcastic) Hey, that was really fun, George. Can we go home now? Doctor: No, actually, we'd like to keep him here overnight for observation, just to be safe. George: Oh, sure. Sure, anything. Can you believe it? There's nothing wrong with me. Doctor: Well, I wouldn't go that far. George: (Starting to panic again) What? Oh my God. What? Is it meningitis? Scoliosis? Lupis?! Is it Lupis?! Doctor: Have you ever had your tonsils taken out? George: My tonsils? Yeah, when I was a kid. Doctor: Well, they've grown back. Your adenoids are swollen too. George: Really? Elaine: (Jokingly hits the doctor) Whose tonsils grow back? (Laughs) Doctor: It happens. Jerry: Yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma rays. Elaine: I still have my tonsils. Everyone in my family has their tonsils. In fact, we were forbidden to socialize with anyone who didn't have their tonsils. Doctor: That's interesting. Because, no one in my family has their tonsils, and we were forbidden to socialize with tonsil people. Jerry: (Sarcastically) Well, it's like the Capulets and the Montagues. George: (Drawing attention back to him) Excuse me! Doctor: Anyway, I strongly recommend they come out. George: What? You mean with a knife? Doctor: Yes. With a knife. You know, snip, snip. Anyway, you'd be completely under, you wouldn't feel a thing. And when you wake up, you can have some ice cream. George: (Angry) Yeah, that's what they told me the last time. Doctor: Think about it. (Turns to leave, but runs into Elaine) Excuse me. Elaine: (Flustered) Oh, I'm sorry. (Doctor exits) I just.. have to ask that doctor one more question. (Leaves) Jerry: Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body.. we just want the body. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Hey. Kramer: Boy, they got a great cafeteria downstairs. Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar.. It's like a Sizzler's opened up a hospital! (Sits and starts eating) So, how did you have a heart attack? You're a young man. What were you doing? Are they gonna do a zipper job? Oh, they love to do zipper jobs. Jerry: (Trying to shut him up) Kramer. Kramer: The really bad thing about the heart is the sex thing. See, you gotta be careful about sex now. You get that heart pumping and suddenly, boom! Next thing you know, you got a hose coming out of your chest attached to a piece of luggage. Jerry: Kramer, George didn't have a heart attack. Kramer: No? That's good. George: I have to have my tonsils taken out. Kramer: Oh man.. No.. George, we gotta get you outta here. Get out! Right now! They'll kill ya in here. Jerry: (Trying to calm George down) It's routine surgery. Kramer: Oh yeah? My friend, Bob Saccomanno, he came in here for a hernia operation.. Oh yeah, routine surgery.. now he's sittin' around in a chair by a window going, "My name is Bob" .. George, whatever you do, don't let 'em cut you. Don't let 'em cut you.. George: Well, what should I do, Kramer? Jerry: Well, for one think, don't listen to him. Kramer: I'll tell you what to do, I'll tell you what to do. You go to Tor Eckman. Tor, Tor, he'll fix you right up. He's a herbalist, a healer, George. He's not just gonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids, he is gonna change the whole way you function - body and mind. Jerry: Eckman? I thought he was doing time? Kramer: No, no, he's out. He got out. See, the medical establishment, see, they tried to frame him. It's all politics. But he's a rebel. Jerry: A rebel? No. Johnny Yuma was a rebel. Eckman is a nut. George, you want to take care of your tonsils, you do it in a hospital. With a doctor. Kramer: He's holistic, George. He's holistic. George: Holistic.. that sounds right. Jerry: George, you need a medical doctor. George: (To Jerry) Let me ask you something.. How much do you think it would cost to have tonsils and adenoids removed in the hospital? Jerry: Well, an overnight stay in a hospital? Minor surgery? I dunno, four grand. George: Uh-huh. And how much does the healer charge? Kramer: First visit? Thirty-eight bucks. George: Oh, yeah? Holistic.. that's what I need. That's the answer. [Setting: Healer's apartment] George: So, how do you like the way I talked you into comin' down here? Jerry: Don't flatter yourself, my friend. I'm here strictly for material, and I have a feeling this is a potential gold mine.. I still think you're nuts, though. George: All I know is I've been going to doctors all my life. What has it gotten me? I'm thirty-three years old. I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I've never had a normal, medium orgasm. Jerry: (Jokingly making fun of George) I've never had a really good pickle. George: Besides, what's it gonna cost me? Thirty-eight bucks? Tor: (To Jerry) Would you not put your foot on that please? Jerry: Sorry. Tor: What month were you born? George: April. Tor: You should have been born in August. Your parents would have been well-advised to wait. George: Really? Tor: Do you use hot water in the shower? George: Yes. Tor: Stop using it. George: ..Okay. Kramer: I'm off hot water. Tor: Kramer tells me that you are interested in an alternative to surgery. George: Yes, yes I am. Tor: (Blows into George's face) I think we can help you. See, unfortunately, the medical establishment is a business like any other business. And business needs customers. And, they want to sell you their most expensive item which is unnecessary surgery. George: (Still on the showers) Can I use hot water on my face? Tor: No. You know, I am not a business man. I'm a holistic healer. It's a calling, it's a gift. You see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain sick. You see, that insures good business. You're not a patient. You're a customer. Jerry: (He thinks this, the audience can hear his thoughts) And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life. George: (Still on the hot water) What about shaving? Tor: (To Jerry) You're eating too much dairy. (To George) May I? (Reaches over, and touches George's face) George: I guess so. Tor: (Feeling George's face) You see, you are in disharmony. The throat is the gateway to the lung. Tonsillitis, adenoiditis, is, in Chinese medical terms, and invasion of heat and wind. Jerry: (Again, we hear his thoughts) There's some hot air blowing in here.. Tor: You know, I lived with the Eskimos many years ago, and they used to plunge their faces into the snow. George: (Once again, still on the shower) Could it be lukewarm? Jerry: Too much dairy? You really think I'm eating too much dairy? [Setting: Doctor's car] Doctor: ..The tongue.. yes, the tongue.. or, in medical terms, the glossa. It's a muscular organ.. Consists of two parts.. the body, and the root.. You see, it's covered by this mucous membrane.. These little raised projections are the papillae, which give it that furry appearance. Very tactile.. Elaine: Uh-huh. [Setting: Healer's apartment] Tor: (Pouring tea) Your tea is ready now. This will solve your so-called tonsil problem. It's a special concoction. It contains crampbark. Jerry: I love crampbark. Tor: Cleavers. Jerry: Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car. Tor: And some couchgrass. Jerry: Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly. Kramer: Go ahead, drink it, George. Jerry: Excuse me, Tor. May I ask you a question? You have intuitive abilities. You're in touch with a lot of this cosmic kind of things.. I have this note I can't read. I was wondering if- Tor: (Takes the note, then laughs when he reads it) Oh, yes.. yes.. "Cleveland 117, San Antonio 109.. (Hands note back to Jerry) Kramer: Go ahead, drink it, George. George: (Takes a sip) Hey, it's not too bad.. [Setting: Ambulance] George: (In a state of hysteria) I'm an eggplant! I'm an eggplant! I'm a minstrel man! Driver: (To Assistant) I didn't take your Chuckle, man! Assistant: I had five Chuckles. I ate a green one, and the yellow one, and the red one is missing! Driver: I don't even like Chuckles! Jerry: (To Assistant) Maybe he doesn't like them. That's possible. George: My face! My face! Get me to the hospital! Assistant: I want that Chuckle! You hear me?! Jerry: (To Assistant) I'll get you a Chuckle. You want me to get you a Chuckle? Assistant: (Angry, to Driver) Pull over! Driver: Pull over? Did you say pull over?! You want a piece of me?! Assistant: Yeah! Jerry: You're gonna fight? George: Now?! I'm a mutant! Kramer: (To Driver) Hey, let me drive. Assistant: Come on, man. Pull over! Driver: Alright! I'm gonna mess you up, man! Jerry: (Pleading) Really, gentlemen, please. George: My heart! My heart! (To Assistant) Where you going? Are you crazy?! Assistant: I'm gonna kick his ass. Kramer: (To Assistant) Hey, you have keys? George: You can't leave! This is an ambulance! This is an emergency! Jerry: All this for a Chuckle. Kramer: What's a Chuckle? Jerry: It's a jelly candy. it comes in five flavors. [Setting: Doctor's car] Doctor: You see, taste buds run on grooves along the surfaces. Elaine: Can you let go of my tongue now? Doctor: What? Elaine: Let go of my tongue! Doctor: (Lets go) Oh, sorry. Elaine: Well, I should get going.. (The Doctor leans in for a kiss. Elaine stops him) What are you doing? Doctor: I was going to kiss you good night. Elaine: A kiss? With the tongue? The glossa with the bumps and the papillae? ..Yech, I don't think so. (Leaves) [Setting: Ambulance] Jerry: You just can't leave him out there. Driver: I told him I was gonna mess him up. Kramer: Well, can you call him an ambulance? Driver: I told him I didn't take his Chuckle. I don't eat that gooey crap! Kramer: hey, watch the road! Watch the road, man! Driver: (Turns back, facing Kramer) Hey, man, you want some of what he got?! Jerry And Kramer: Watch out! [Setting: Hospital room] Jerry: How ya doing? (George nods) Can't talk? (George shakes his head. Jerry gestures to his brace) Hey, how'd you get the plastic one? (George raises his eyebrows) I like that. (George sticks his tongue out) So how's life without tonsils? (George quickly indicates with his arm that he wants ice cream) What? What's that? ..So, how much is this thing gonna cost you now? Like, five, six thousand?.. (George signals that it's more) Well, live and learn.. at least we lived. Kramer went to Eckman.. He feels better alreadyy.. (George motions for ice cream again) What are you doing? Elaine: Oh, poor George. Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't stay long. I don't want to run into Doctor Tongue.. Here, I brought you something. (Takes out a pint of ice cream. George gets excited) Oh, please, come on.. it was nothing. Jerry: Hey, check the TV. Tv Voice: (Germanic) It's just as you prophesied. The planets of our solar system, incinerating. Like flaming globes, Sigmond. Like flaming globes. Ah, ha, ha, ha.. Jerry: (Pulls the note out of his pocket) That's it! That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmond! Flaming Globes of Sigmond! That's my note! tha'ts what I thought was so funny?! ..That's not funny.. There's nothing funny about that. Man In Neighboring Bed: Shut up! Man: Aaahhhgggg! [Setting: Night club] Jerry: I have a friend who's a hypochondriac, always thinks he's sick - never is. And they, you have another type of person, always thinks they're well, not matter how bad they really are. You know this type of person? Very annoying. "Feel great.. like being on the respirator.. intravenous heart/lung machine. I never felt better in my life." Medical science is making advances every day in control health problems. In fact, it's probably only a matter of time before a heart attack, you know, becomes like, a head ache. We'll just see people on TV going, "I had a heart attack this big (Holds out hands, gesturing bigness) ..but, I gave myself one of these. Clear! (Puts imaginary electrode panels to his chest) Brrhht.. and it's gone!"

Jerry: What are you doing? All right, all right. What's the matter with that? What about that one? Elaine: Robert Vaughn, The Helsinki Formula? Jerry: He was good in Man From Uncle. Elaine: Guess whose birthday's comin' up soon? Jerry: I know, I'm having my root canal the same week. Elaine: Oh, right. I hope you have a good oral surgeon because that can be very serious. (Changes channel) Hey, look at naked people. Jerry: No, I don't wanna see the naked people. Elaine: Been a while? Jerry: I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago. Elaine: I think my last time was in Rochester. My hair was a lot shorter. Jerry: I remember that it's a good thing. Someday, I hope to do it again. (Jerry looks at Elaine) Elaine: What? Jerry: What? Elaine: What was that look? Jerry: What look? Elaine: The look you just gave me. Jerry: I gave a look? Elaine: Yes. Jerry: What kind of look? Elaine: I know that look. Jerry: Then what was it? Elaine: Why should I tell you? Jerry: Well, you're the big look expert. I wanna see how smart you are. Elaine: Trust me. I know the look. (Pause) So... Jerry: What? Elaine: What about the look? Jerry: I don't know. Elaine: You got something on your mind? Jerry: No. Things pop into your head. You? Elaine: Things occur to me from time to time. Jerry: Yeah, me too. Well, you can't expect to just forget the past completely. Elaine: No, of course not. Jerry: I mean, it was something we did. Probably about, what? Twenty-five times? Elaine: Thirty-seven. Jerry: Yeah, we pretty much know what we're doin' in there. (Points to bedroom) Elaine: We know the terrain. Jerry: No big surprises. Elaine: Nope. Jerry: What do you think? Elaine: I don't know. What do you think? Jerry: Well, it's something to consider. Elaine: Yeah. Jerry: I mean, let's say we did. Elaine: What if. Jerry: Is that like the end of the world or something? Elaine: Certainly not. Jerry: Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to? Elaine: I know. Jerry: I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. (Points to the bedroom) We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated. Elaine: It's almost stupid if we didn't. Jerry: It's moronic. Elaine: Absurd! Jerry: Of course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise. Elaine: We, there are always a few. Jerry: I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad. Elaine: Devastating. Jerry: Because this is very good. (Points back and forth between them to indicate friendship) Elaine: And that would be good. (Points to bedroom) Jerry: That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and the that. But this cannot be disturbed. Elaine: Yeah, we just wanna take this and add that. Jerry: But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something. Elaine: Huh. Jerry: For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and vice versa. Elaine: Right. Jerry: But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call. Elaine: Well why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. No call the day after that. Jerry: Beautiful. Let's make it a rule. Elaine: All right, sir. Jerry: Now here's another little rule. Elaine: Yeah. Jerry: When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that. Elaine: Okay, okay. Rule Number Two. Spending the night is optional! Jerry: Well now we're gettin' somewhere. Elaine: What about the kiss goodnight? Jerry: Tough one. You're call. Elaine: It's brug-wa (?). Jerry: Fine. Well. Elaine: Well. Jerry: You ready? Elaine: Ready. Jerry: So think you can handle this? Elaine: Definitely. (Runs into bookshelf) Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Hey. Kramer: Got the paper? Jerry: Not yet. Kramer: No paper? Jerry: I haven't been out yet. Kramer: Well, what's taking you so long? (Elaine enters from the bedroom. Kramer is a little shocked) Uh? Oh, well, yeah... (He exits) George: What's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on land, or was he just restricted to water? Jerry: No, I think I saw him on land a couple times. So how's the job situation goin'? George: Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you? Jerry: Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night. George: Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major. Jerry: I thought you'd like that. George: Oh, this is huge! Jerry: I know. George: All right, okay. Let's go, details. Jerry: No, I can't do details. George: You wha? Jerry: I can't give details. George: No details? Jerry: I'm not in the mood. George: You ask me here to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood! Jerry: All right, okay. We're in the apartment watching TV. George: Where are you sitting? Jerry: On the couch. George: Next to each other? Jerry: No, separated. George: Time? Jerry: Around eleven. George: Okay, go ahead. Jerry: So she's flipping around the TV, and she gets to the naked station. George: Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face. All right, all right. So you're watching the naked station. Jerry: And then, somehow, we started talking about, what if we had sex. George: Boy, these are really bad details. Jerry: It pains me to say this, but I may be getting to mature for details. George: Oh I hate to hear this. That kind of growth really irritates me. Jerry: Well. I'll tell you though. It was really passionate. George: Better than before? Jerry: She must've taken some kind of seminar or something. George: This is all too much. So what are you feeling? What's going on? Are you like a couple again now? Jerry: Not exactly. George: Not exactly. What does that mean? Jerry: Well, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be able to do this once in a while and still be friends. (George laughs hysterically and stands out of his seat) George: Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible. It can't be done. Jerry: I think we've worked out a system. George: Oh, you know what you're like? You're like a pathetic gambler. You're one of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack. Jerry: No, this is very advanced. We've designed at set of rules that we can maintain the friendship by avoiding all of the relationship pitfalls. George: Sure, all right. Tell me the rules. Jerry: Okay. No calls the next day. George: (To himself) So you're havin' the sex, next day you don't have to call. That's pretty good. (Back to Jerry) Go ahead. Jerry: You ready for the second one? George: I have tell you, I'm pretty impressed with the first one. Jerry: Spending the night. Optional. George: No, you see? You got greedy. Jerry: No, that's the rule. It's optional. George: I know less about women than anyone in the world. But one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. It could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little army cot this wide (Displays with French fry) You're not going anywhere. Jerry: I think you're wrong. George: I hope I am. Jerry: Is this yours or the roommate's? Elaine: The roommate's. Jerry: Would she mind? Elaine: She keeps track of everything. Jerry: Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm takin' it. Elaine: Thanks. Jerry: Well, guess I'll get going. Elaine: Oh. Jerry: Well, I got that root canal tomorrow morning. It'll be easier if I go home. Elaine: Fine, go away. Jerry: I don't understand. Is there a problem? (Elaine is pulling a roll of paper towels about twenty feet long) I'm getting the impression there's a problem. Elaine: Just go. Jerry: I'm having surgery tomorrow. Elaine: Oh, surgery. You're going to the dentist. Jerry: But you said, it can be very serious. Elaine: Okay, so fine. Go. Jerry: What happened to the rules? Remember? Sleeping over was optional. Elaine: Yeah, it's my house, it's my option. Jerry: It has nothing to do with whose house it is. Elaine: Oh, of course it does. (Elaine's roommate, Tina, enters) Tina: Hi. Elaine + Jerry: Hi. Tina: Hi, Jerry. Jerry: Hi. Tina: Such a great improv class tonight. Elaine: Oh really? Tina: I had this improv where I pretended I was working in one of those booths. You know, in the amusement park, where you have to shoot the water in the clown's mouth and you have to blow up the balloon. Elaine: Uh, Tina? Could you excuse us for just one second? Tina: Oh, yeah. I'll excuse you. (She walks away) Elaine: What are you doing? Jerry: I can't go if you're mad. Elaine: I'm not mad. Jerry: You seemed a little mad. Elaine: No, no. Jerry, I'm fine really. It's okay. Jerry: So you're okay with everything? Elaine: Definitely. Are you? Jerry: Definitely. Well, goodnight. Elaine: Goodn- (He starts to kiss her) What're you doing? Jerry: What? Elaine: Rules. Tina: Hey, who took my cake? (Jerry exits quickly) George: What about jewelry? That's very nice gift. Jerry: No, no. I have to be very careful here. I don't want to send the wrong message. Especially after the other night. George: Maybe I'll get her some jewelry. Jerry: No, no. You can't get her anything better than me. Whatever I spend, you have to spend half. George: What am I supposed to get, a bazooka? Jerry: You don't understand. I'm in a very delicate position. Whatever I give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it. George: What does she need? Maybe there's something that she needs. Jerry: I think I heard her say something about a bench. George: A bench? What kind of a bench? Jerry: I don't know, but she mentioned a bench. George: What, like at a bus stop? Jerry: I don't know. George: Like a park bench? Jerry: I have no idea. George: Who puts a bench in their house? Jerry: Forget the bench. George: I got it. You wanna get her something nice? How 'bout a music box? Jerry: No, too relationshippy. She opens it up, she hears that Laura's theme, I'm dead. George: Okay, what about a nice frame? With a picture of another guy in it. Frame says I care for you, but if you wanna get serious, perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this. Jerry: Nice looking fellow. George: What about candle holders? Jerry: Too romantic. George: Lingerie? Jerry: Too sexual. George: Waffle maker. Jerry: Too domestic. George: Bust of Nelson Rockefeller. Jerry: Too Gubernatorial. (?) George: Let's work on the card. Jerry: Maybe you won't like it. Elaine: Oh, how could I not like it? Of course I'll like it. Jerry: You could not like it. Elaine: Just the fact that you remembered means everything. Jerry: Of course I remembered. You reminded me everyday for two months. Oh, the card. (She opens) Elaine: Cash? Jerry: Would do you think? Elaine: You got me cash? Jerry: Well this way I figure you can go out and get yourself whatever you want. No good? Elaine: Who are you, my uncle? Jerry: Well come on. That's $182 right there. I don't think that's anything to sneeze at. Elaine: Let me see the card. (Reading) To a wonderful girl, a great pal, and more? (Kramer enters) Kramer: Hey. Oh, Elaine. I'm glad you're here. Stay right there. I'm gonna be right back. (He exits) Elaine: Pal? You think I'm your pal? Jerry: I said, "and more." Elaine: I am not your pal. Jerry: What's wrong with pal? Why is everyone so down on pal? (Kramer enters with present) Elaine: Oh, what is this? You got me something? Kramer: Yeah. Open it. Elaine: Oh Kramer... (She opens it) The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted! (Jerry looks irritated) Kramer: That's pretty good, huh? Jerry: Great. Kramer: Remember when we were standing there and she mentioned it? I made a mental note of it. Jerry: Well goody for you. Kramer: Oh yeah, I'm very sensitive about that. I mean, when someone's birthday comes up, I keep my ears open. So what'd you get her? Jerry: 182 bucks. Kramer: Cash? You gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would get her. Elaine: (Reading card) Think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was I had such a friend. Kramer: (To Jerry) Yates. Elaine: Oh Kramer. (They embrace) Jerry: Could you excuse us please? Kramer: What? Jerry: We're talking. Kramer: Oh, the relationship. (He leaves) Jerry: You know, we never had one fight before this deal. Elaine: I know. Jerry: Never. Elaine: Ever. Jerry: We got along beautifully. Elaine: Like clams. Jerry: It was wonderful. Elaine: A pleasure. Jerry: So I think we should just forget the whole deal, and go back to being friends. Elaine: I can't do it. Jerry: You what? Elaine: I can't do that. Jerry: You mean it's... (She nods) No this. No that. No this or that. Oh, boy. Hmmm. What do you want? Elaine: This, that, and the other. Jerry: Oh, sure. Of course, you're entitled. Who doesn't want this, that, and the other? Elaine: You. Jerry: (Starts to correct then realizes) Well... George: Those birthdays. I told you. They're relationship killers. If a relationship is having any problems whatsoever, a birthday will always bring it out. Jerry: I never should have made up those rules. George: What is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is it the touching? Is it the nudity? Jerry: It can't be the nudity. I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class. George: You know what this means? I can't see her anymore either. Jerry: Why? George: It's break up by association. Besides, she's mad at me anyway because of my birthday present. Jerry: What did you end up giving her? George: 91 dollars. Jerry: Sorry about that. George: So what're you gonna do? Jerry: Well, if I call her, there's no joking around anymore. This is pretty much it. George: So, maybe this should be it. Jerry: Could be it. George: She seems like an it. Jerry: She's at it as you get. Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. And she tells me he's a sculptor, they live in Vermont... George: We'd have to kill him. Jerry: We'd get caught, I'd get the chair. George: I'd go to prison as your accomplice. I'd have to wear that really heavy denim. Go to the cafeteria line with the guy who slops those mashed potatoes onto your plate. Go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people. Jerry: Plus, you know what else. George: You better call her. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Hey. Kramer: You got the paper yet? Jerry: Yeah. Kramer: Well where is it? (Elaine enters from bedroom with newspaper) Hey, you done with that? Elaine: No. Kramer: Well, you're not reading it now. Elaine: All right, you can take it. But I want it back. Kramer: Oh yeah. So, ah, what're you guys gonna do today? Elaine: Ah, this. And that. Jerry: And the other. Kramer: Boy, I really liked the two of you much better when you weren't a couple. (He exits)

[Setting: Night club] Jerry: Men flip around the television more than women, I think. Men get that remote control in their hands, they don't even know what the hell they're watching. You know, we just keep going, "Rerun, don't wanna watch it.. " "What are you watching?" "I don't care, I gotta keep going." "Who was that?" "I don't know what it was - doesn't matter, it's not your fault. It doesn't matter, I gotta keep going." Women don't do this. See now, women will stop and go, "Well, let me see what the show is before I change the channel." You see? Men just fly. Because women, you see, women nest and men hunt. That's why we watch TV differently. Before there was flipping around, before there was television, kings and emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would tell them stories 'cause that was their entertainment. I always wonder, in that era, if they would get, like, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip around. Just go, "Alright start telling me a story, what's happening? I don't want to hear anymore. Shut up. Go to the next guy. What are you talking about? Is there a girl in that story? ..No? Shut up. Go to the next guy. What do you got? I don't want to hear that either. Shut up. No, go ahead, what are you talking about?.. I don't want to hear that. No, the all of you, get out of here. I'm going to bed." [Setting: Coffee shop] George: (Shocked) She's pregnant? Leslie is pregnant?! Oh, see, there is no justice. Jerry: She's the performance artist, right? George: (Sarcastic) Yeah, performance artist. She's a real performer. A real trooper. Jerry: What's her husband's name, again? Chip? Kip? Skip? Elaine: Todd. Jerry: Todd. Oh yeah. (To George) He's a Kennedy. Elaine: No, he's not. Jerry: C'mon. He's a third cousin, or something. Elaine: By marriage. Jerry: Oh, by marriage. (To George) We went to their wedding. You should have heard him talking about Chappaquiddick - trying to blame the whole thing on bad directions. George: That woman was unequivocally the worst date of my life. Elaine: Oh, pardon me for trying to set you up with a beautiful, intelligent woman. George: What, you don't think I can attract beautiful, intelligent women? Jerry: Thin ice, George. Thin ice.. George: (Sarcastic) Maybe for her new performance piece she'll give birth on stage. Elaine: She stopped performing. George: (Again, sarcastic) Oh, what a huge blow to the culture. Jerry: (Gesturing to George) You believe this guy? He holds a grudge like Khomeini. George: She dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront in Brooklin to see one of her "performances". Jerry: Oh, and she cooks dinner onstage for some celebrity? George: God! She's cooking dinner for God! She's yelling and screaming, and the next thing I know, she throws a big can of chocolate syrup all over my new red shirt. Elaine: It was an accident! George: Oh, yeah, sure, accident, right. She was aiming right at me like she was putting out a fire! Then, for the rest of the show, I'm sitting there with chocolate all over my shirt. Flies are landing on me. I'm boiling - I'm fantasizing all the things I'm gonna say when I see her. And later, finally, backstage when I talk to her, I'm a groveling worm. "What kind of chocolate was that? Do you throw any other foods?" Jerry: (To Elaine) he thought he still had a shot. George: And then, then, then she leaves with somebody else! Never even, never even said goodbye! Never called me back.. Never apologized. Nothing. Like I was dirt. Jerry: What ever happened with the shirt? George: I still have it. The collar's okay. I wear it under sweaters. Elaine: I don't know what I'm gonna do. She asked me to give her a baby shower. Jerry: Asked you? You're not going to do that are you? Elaine: anyone else, never. But, Leslie - I have a problem saying no to. For some reason, I seem to want her approval. George: Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower. Jerry: Ask not what I can do for you - ask what you can do for me. George: (Germanic) Ich bin ein sucker. Elaine: Oh, would you two stop with the Kennedys? Why does everybody make such a big deal about he Kennedys? What is this fascination?! Who cares?! It's all so boring.. George: She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby monsoon. She deserves Rosemary's baby! Elaine: (To Jerry) I do have one teeny little problem, though. George: Never said goodbye. Never apologized. Nothing. Elaine: See, I was gonna give the shower in my apartment.. Jerry: But? Elaine: My roommate has Lyme disease. Jerry: Lyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr Syndrome? Elaine: She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr. It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist of Lyme disease. Jerry: How did she get Lyme disease? Elaine: I don't know. She did some outdoor version of Hair in Danbury, Connecticut. Jerry: They still do that play? Elaine: It's a classic. Jerry: With all the nudity? Elaine: I guess. She must've rolled over on a tick during the love-in. George: (Still mad a Leslie) Never said goodbye. Goodbye! Jerry: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works. Elaine: What do you wanna know? Jerry: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence? Elaine: Rarely. Jerry: There's no hazing of the fetus, or anything, is there? Elaine: No. Jerry: When is this suppose to be? Elaine: Saturday. Jerry: Saturday?.. Well, I have a show in Buffalo on Saturday. They're not gonna bust up my apartment, or anything, are they? Elaine: I'll take full responsibility. You won't regret it. Jerry: 'Cause I've seen these pregnant women - and they sometimes misjudge their fetal girth. Just like one wrong turn, and boom! And entire buffet is swept off the table. George: Someday, before I die, mark my words - I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do. Jerry: And if you do? George: I still won't be able to forgive myself - but at least it won't be about this. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Kramer: What are you doing this for? Look at you.. Jerry: Quiet. I'm trying to get a picture. Kramer: But you don't have to do this! This guy is waiting in my house. Jerry: (Pleading) Leave me alone. Kramer: It's a one-time fee. A hundred and fifty bucks. Why live like this?! Jerry: I'm not getting illegal cable! Kramer: Oh, so what are you gonna do? You gonna wait for the cable companies to resolve their dispute? They're gonna be in court for years. Jerry: No, I read in the paper.. Kramer: (Sarcastic) Oh, oh, the paper.. Jerry: Well, they might hook us up again. Kramer: Oh, God, you're so naive! All the cable companies care about is the "Big Mammoo." (Jerry wacks the TV) Oh, look at you! You're banging things.. Pathetic. Just wasting your life. I'm offering you fifty-six channels - movies, sports, nudity. And it's free! For life! Jerry: Stop shouting! You're ruining the reception. Kramer: Can you hear yourself? Can, can, do you know what you're saying?! Jerry: What you're suggesting is illegal. Kramer: It's not illegal. Jerry: It's against the law. Kramer: Well, yeah. Jerry: (Gesturing to the rabbit ears) Just, just, hold this. Can you hold that? Kramer: (Holding the rabbit ears) Look, will you at least let me bring the guy over? He's an amazing man. He's a Russian immigrant. He escaped the Gulag. He's like the Sakharov of cable guys.. He'll slow down your gas meter. He sells slugs, Jerry. Slugs for the subway. Jerry: A real human rights nut, huh? Kramer: Yeah. He's intense, man. Jerry: I don't know. What if I get caught? Kramer: Oh, you're not gonna get caught. Look, let me get him. Man, it's the nineties, it's Hammer time! Come on, just let me get him. Jerry: You know, why don't we wait? Because, I'm going out of town tomarrow. Tabachnick: Tomarrow okay. Kramer: No problem. Yeah, you'll have the whole thing installed by the time you get back. Jerry: (Mutters to himself) Every time I turn on the TV, sirens are gonna go off. They're gonna track me down like a dog, I know it.. Kramer: No, no, now look now, Jerry, Jerry, it's no risk. I swear. The Mets have seventy-five games on cable this year.. Jerry: (Pauses, thinking about what Kramer just said) Put it in. Kramer: You won't regret it. (Jerry mutters some more, Kramer rubs his hands together in anticipation, then starts dancing around with a reluctant Jerry) Jerry's gonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy.. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Man: Mr. Steinfeld? Jerry: Seinfeld. Man: We're with the FBI. You wanna tell us about your cable hook-up? Jerry: My cable hook-up? What about it? Man: It's been illegally installed, Mr. Steinfeld. Jerry: It has? I've been out of town. How did you know? Kramer: Jerry, I had to tell them. I had to. I had no choice. They were onto the scam from the very beginning. Man: You're in serious trouble, Mr. Steinfeld. Jerry: Wait a minute. Wait a minute, hold on! We're just patsies. We're just a couple of users.. We never sold the stuff. What about the Russian guy? The Russian guy is the guy you want. Tabachnick: Mr. Seinfeld, Agent Stone. FBI. Undercover. Kramer: No! Jerry! (The FBI agents open fire. Jerry's gunned down by a hailstorm of bullets. Kramer leans next to a fallen Jerry, cupping Jerry's head in his hands) Cable boy, cable boy.. What have you done to my little cable boy?.. [Setting: Airplane] Jerry: Excuse me. Can I get something to drink? Stewardess: I'm afraid not. Jerry: What's with this airline? What are you, cutting out the drinks now? Stewardess: No sir. We're flying into a blizzard. Please fasten your seat belt. We're making an emergency landing. Jerry: (Sarcastic) Are they gonna go over the instructions again? Bill: My name is Bill. I might be the last person you ever see. [Setting: Night club] Jerry: I'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear of flying and, I have no arguement with that. I think fear of flying is quite rational because, human beings cannot fly. Humans have fear of flying same way fish have fear of driving. Put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "This isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this. I don't belong here." [Setting: George's car] George: Sounds like a rough trip. Jerry: Oh, fire engines, ambulances all along the runway. And then, when we landed safely, they all seemed so disappointed. George: So, the college cancelled the gig? Jerry: Well, there was so much snow. The roads were closed. I really appreciate it - you picking me up. Thanks again. George: (Modestly) Forget it. Jerry: No, really.. an airport run. George: It's nothing. Jerry: Hey, it's one thing if I asked you "Could you do me a favor?" ..But to suggest it?.. GEORGE (Obviously up to something. Jerry doesn't suspect anything - yet) Whey you told me what you went through on the plane, it makes you stop and think. You appreciate having a real friend. Jerry: (Joking) You know, if Richie Brandes did this, I'd be suspicious, you know. He's always got some ulterior motive. George: (Laughs nervously) ..Ulterior motive. Jerry: Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't take the bridge.. Get off here. We can't go back to my place, Elaine's having the shower. George: (Obviously knows that, but pretends he doesn't) What, tonight? Now? Jerry: Yeah, yeah. I forgot all about it. Alright, it's no big deal. We'll just go back to your place. George: My place? NO, no, no. I hate my place. I don't wanna go back to my place. Jerry: You want to get a bite? George: Yeah, I would. It's just, you know, I just ate a whole pot roast. Jerry: Well, so what should we do? George: Shouldn't we at least drop off your bag? Jerry: Red shirt! Red shirt! That's the red shirt! George: (Nervous) What are you talking about? Jerry: You're wearing the chocolate shirt! George: I am? What a strange coincidence.. Jerry: A - Ha! Nice try, my friend, but you gotta get up pretty early in the morning.. George: (Pleading) You gotta let me go over there. Jerry: What are you gonna do? Badger a pregnant woman at her own baby shower?! What are you, gonna take it off and make her rinse it in club soda? George: No, I'm gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the scent of stale Bosco that I had to live with for three years, and I'm gonna say, "Remember this shirt, baby?! Well, now, it's payback time!" [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Leslie: We just bought an apartment on Riverside Drive. Bernard Goetz's mother used to live there. Elaine: So, where's Todd? Leslie: Up in Hyannisport. Elaine: Oh my God, Hyannisport? With the Kennedys? Who else is up there? Is Rose up there?! Woman: (To Leslie) So, when's your due date? Leslie: March twentieth, nine a.m. Woman: You know the time! Leslie: I'm having a planned C-section. My therapist told me if I go through labor, I might get psychotic. Elaine: Leslie, Leslie, whatever happened to Sargent Shriver? Is he still with them? You don't hear much about him these days. Is he out of the loop? Leslie: (Takes a bite of food) Elaine, who catered this, Sears? Elaine: (Whispering to Kramer) What is this?! What are you doing here? Kramer: We're putting in cable. Elaine: The cable? No, no, no. I'm having a party here. You can't do this now! Kramer: Oh, we have to do this now. Elaine: Who's this guy? Kramer: Which one? Elaine: Both of the them. Kramer: Oh, they're Soviet Cable guys. Elaine: Okay.. Does Jerry know about this? Kramer: Oh yeah.. it's all authorized, yeah. Elaine: You can't! You can't do this now! Kramer: Elaine, do you know how booked up this guy is? Now, if I send him away now, it's gonna take Jerry months to get him back.. He won't like that. Elaine: Alright. Just do it fast and then get out. Kramer: (Snaps his fingers) Anatoly! (The Russians get to work on command. To Elaine) Look, it's gonna take a few minutes.. Then, you and the gals can take a load off and watch something on Lifetime. [Setting: George's car] Jerry: And what if we go up there? What are you going to say to her? George: (Boiling) What am I going to say?! Jerry: Yeah. George: What did you go out with me for?! Just to dump chocolate on my shirt and then just dump me altogether?! I don't deserve that kind of treatment! What, you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?! To apologize! You think I'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and ignored?! Who's shirt can be ruined without financial restitution?! Some sort of a masochist who enjoys being humiliated? You think you can avoid me like I have some sort of disease?! You have the disease! You have the disease! You may be beautiful and rich and physically .. just .. unbelievable, but you sicken me! You disgust me! You and everyone like you! Jerry: You'll never say that to her face. George: Watch me. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Kramer: (Flirting with a female guest) Yeah, I eat the whole apple. The core, stem, seeds, everything. Elaine: (To Kramer) Kramer, Kramer, look at him. (Gestures to Tabachnick) Look! He's eating all the food! Kramer: Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, there are many differences between American and Soviet cultures that you're not aware of. See, in Russian, the cable guy, they got the whole run of the house. Yeah, that's tradition. (Turns back to the woman) Did you ever eat the bark of a pineapple? Elaine: Kramer! Kramer: (Trying to break up the fight) Uh.. Excuse me.. Elaine: What are you doing here? I thought you were out of town for the weekend. Jerry: The show was cancelled. There was a blizzard. Elaine: I can't believe you told Kramer it's okay to put the cable in during the shower! Jerry, look,, look! They've eaten everything. Leslie: Jerry, what a surprise! I thought you sere out of town. Jerry: Well, Leslie, sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason. Elaine: (Speaking confidentially to George) George, don't even think about it! Don't even dream about it! George: (Unconvincingly coy) About what? Tabachnick: (Sticks his head out the door) Kramer, Kramer, Kramer.. George: Leslie. Leslie: Yeah? George: George.. (She doesn't seem to recognize him) George Costanza. Leslie: Hi. George: (Laughs) You, I guess, you don't remember me.. but we actually, kind of um.. went out.. a couple of years ago.. once.. remember? Leslie: Vaguely. George: You took me to one of your shows.. Leslie: And? George: And, um, it was quite good. In fact, you even incorporated me into the show. I'm not actually a performer. Although, my parents felt I had talent.. Mary: Jerry?! (A woman, angry at Jerry, approaches him. Jerry looks confused) Remember me? Jerry: I'm sorry, I.. Mary: (Livid) Mary Contardi. No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry? We had a date, three years ago. You took me to one of your shows. Jerry: (Stammering) Oh, I, I, think I remember.. Mary: Told me you had a great time! Said you'd call me the next day. Jerry: Well, I'm sure I meant to call.. I probably just lost your.. Mary: Liar! Liar! You were never going to call me! You thought you could waltz throught the rest of your life and never bump into me again! But you were wrong, Jerry! You were wrong! What do you think, I'm some sort of poor, pathetic wretch?! Jerry: No, I don't think that.. Marry: Some person who could be dismissed and ignored?! Some insignificant piece of dust?! Some person who doesn't deserve your respect and your attention?! You're the one that doesn't deserve my respect and my attention! You're the insignificant piece of dust! George: Actually, I never had any formal training. I guess I'd be better suited for improvs, or something.. Leslie: Thanks a lot! Elaine: I'm sorry you have to go. Woman: Yeah. I really have to be going. Jerry: Alright, listen, I've changed my mind about this whole thing. I don't want cable. Kramer: Don't be a fool. Tabachnick: You don't want? Jerry: No, I don't want. So, just tell me what I owe you for your trouble.. Tabachnick: (Confers with his assistant, then) Four hundred dollars. Jerry: (To Kramer) Four hundred dollars?1 You told me one-fifty! Leslie: I'm going.. obviously. Elaine: Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry about everything that went on here tonight. You know, I had no idea.. Leslie: Elaine, you know, I was watching you tonight, and I realized something. You're just like you were in college. Elaine: (Not sure if it was an insult or a compliment) Oh, thank you. (Leslie leaves. Then Elaine wonders to herself) "Like you were in college"? Leslie: (Comes back, and yells in the direction of the bedroom) Come on! Let's go! George: (Sheepishly to Elaine) I'll be right back. (Leaves) Jerry: (Defiantly) I'm not paying four hundred dollars! I don't even want the thing. What are you going to do?! [Setting: Jerry's apartment] George: Every woman on the face of the earth has complete control of my life. And yet, I want them all.. is that irony? Elaine: Why can't I meet a Kennedy? ..I saw John Junior once downtown. I was on a bus. I hit the ding, but.. it didn't stop. Jerry: Alright, I said I had a good time and I'd call, but who takes that literally? Kramer: (Pops his head into Jerry's apartment) Hey, come on over, Dr. Zhivago's on cable in five minutes.. I'm making popcorn! (Leaves) [Setting: Night club] Jerry: What do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this person ever again, for the rest of your life? What do you say? What do you say? No matter what you say, it's a lie. "I'll see you around. See you around. If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you around that area. You'll be around other people. You won't be around me. But you will be around." "Take care now." Did you ever say that to somebody? "Take care now. Take care, now. Because, I'm not going to be taking care of you. So, you should take care, now." "Take care. Take care." What does this mean? "Take off!" Isn't that what you really want to say? "Take off now."

Jerry: (A couple of days ago I used a public phone), go over time on the call, hang up the phone, walk away. You've had this happen? Phone rings. It's the phone company... they want more money. Don't you love this? And you got them right where you want them for the first time in your life. You're on the street, there's nothing they can do. I like to let it ring a few times, you know, let her sweat a little over there, then I just pick it up, "Yeah, operator... oh, I got the money... I got the money right here... D'you hear that? (taps on microphone) That's a quarter. Yeah, you want that don't you?" Elaine: No, they've just got to get more cops on the force, it's as simple as that. George: Cops. I don't even care about cops. I wanna see more garbage men. It's much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men. You're never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean. Jerry: I tell you what they should do, they should combine the two jobs, make it one job, 'cop\garbage man'. I always see cops walking around with nothing to do. Grab a broom! Start sweeping. You sweep sweep sweep... catch a criminal, get right back to sweeping. Elaine: You should run for mayor. Jerry: Ehh, nobody listens. Elaine: Where is someone? I'm starving. George: I think this is him right here. Elaine: Is there a table ready? Restaurant Manager (Bruce): How many? Elaine (To Jerry): How many? Jerry (To George): Is Tatiana coming? George: I don't know, I have to call her, tell her where we are. I'm very lucky she's even considering seeing me at all. Jerry: Really? I thought things were going OK. George: They were, it's kinda complicated. Jerry: Well what is it? Elaine: How many? Jerry: Ah, alright, four. Seinfeld. Bruce: Four. It'll be five, ten minutes. George: What do you wanna do? Elaine: Let's go someplace else, I am too hungry. Jerry: We might as well just stay here, we haven't got that much time if we wanna make it to the movie. George: I gotta call Tatiana. where's the phone? Jerry (To Elaine): Tatiana... George: Excuse me, are you gonna be very long? Bruce: Lashbrook, 4! Jerry: So did I do a terrible thing? Elaine: You mean lying to your uncle? Jerry: I couldn't have dinner with him. 'Plan 9 from Outer Space', one night only, the big screen. My hands are tied! George (To Jerry): You know it's a public phone, you're not supposed to just chit-chat. Elaine: Jerry, get menus so when we sit down we can order right away. Jerry: Can't look at a menu now, I gotta be at the table. George: He knows I'm waiting. He sees me. He just doesn't wanna look. Elaine: Everything's gotta be just so with you, doesn't it? Jerry: Hey, I offered you those cookies in my house. Elaine: Health cookies. I hate those little dustboard fructose things. George: I just can't believe at the way people are. What is it with humanity? What kind of a world do we live in? Elaine: What? Jerry: There's a woman over there that looks really familiar. Dark hair, striped shirt? Elaine: I've never seen her before. Jerry: I know this woman. This is gonna drive me crazy. Man: Oh, Excuse me. Elaine: I'm sorry. Elaine: Didja see that? Those people, look, they're getting a table. Jerry: Well maybe they were here from before. Elaine: No no no, they weren't here before. George (To Guy): Excuse me, are you going to be much longer? I have to make a very important call. Elaine: Find out what's going on! Jerry: Excuse me, didn't those people just come in? I believe we were ahead of them. Elaine: Yeah. Bruce: What's your name? Jerry: Seinfeld. Bruce: No, no, they were here before. Keckitch(sp?), 2! Elaine: Did you ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They think they're so special because they've been chosen. It's enough to make you sick. Jerry: Boy, you are really hungry. George (Whistles To Guy On Phone): Hey! George: If anything happens here, can I count on you? Jerry: What? George: If we decide to go at it. Jerry: Yeah, I wanna get into a rumble... George: I have to get in touch with Tatiana! And look at his little outfit. It's all so coordinated, the way his socks matching to his shirt. I really hate this guy. Elaine: I'm gonna faint... Jerry: George, who is that woman in the stripes? George: I don't know her. Jerry: She looks so familiar. Elaine: Ya know, its not fair people are seated First Come First Served, It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody's plate. Jerry: I'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it. Elaine: What do you mean? Jerry: You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- I give you 50 bucks. George: What are they gonna do? Jerry: They won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives. Elaine: 50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks? Jerry: 50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples. Elaine: OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something... Jerry: No, no tricks. Elaine: Should I do it, George? George: For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow. Elaine: Alright, alright. Here, hold this. I'm doin' it. Elaine (Through Her Teeth): I know this sounds crazy, but the two men who are standing behind me are going to give me 50 bucks if I stand here and eat one of your eggrolls. Elaine (Through Teeth): I'll give you 25 if you let me do it. People At Table: What? What is she talking about? What did she say? Jerry: What happened? Elaine: Did you see that? George: What were you doing? Elaine (Laughing): I offered them 25, they had no idea... Jerry: George, the phone's free. George: Alleluia. George: Excuse me, I was waiting here. Woman At Phone: Where? I didn't see you. George: I've been standing here for the last ten minutes! Woman: Well I won't be long. George: That's not the point. The point is I was here first. Woman: Well if you were here first, you'd be holding the phone. George (Yelling At Her): You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a civilized way. George: Does she care? No. Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the problems of a fellow individual? No. No. A resounding no! Guy: Hey, sorry I took so long. George: Oh that's OK, really, don't worry about it. Elaine: How do people fast? Did Ghandi get this crazy? I'm gonna walk around, see what dishes look good. Jerry: I told my uncle I had a stomach ache tonight. You think he bought that? George: Yeah, well, he probably bought it. Jerry: So what happened with Tatiana? George: I shouldn't even tell you this. Jerry: Come on... George: Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment. Jerry: I'm with you. George: Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. It's like right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to perceive this impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily... extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need... Jerry: This could only happen to you. George: So I finally stop and say, "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left". Jerry: You said this to her after. George: No. During. Jerry: Oh, boy. George: Yeah. Jerry: Wow! So...? George: So I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure this woman, and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal. It took me 3 days of phone calls to get her to agree to see me again. Now she's waiting for me to call her, and she's Elaine: I hate this place. I don't know why we came here, I'm never coming back here again. Jerry (Still Trying To Remember): Who is that woman?! Elaine: Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember, it was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a delicious and exciting adventure? And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough. George: She's off. (goes over to the now available public phone) Elaine: Jerry, talk to that guy again. Jerry: What am I gonna say? Elaine: Tell him we wanna catch a movie and that we're late. Mr. Cohen: Hey, what stinks in here? Bruce (Laughing): Mr. Cohen! Haven't seen you for a couple of weeks. Mr. Cohen: Well, I've been looking for a better place. Bruce: Better place... Want a table? Mr. Cohen: No, just bring me a plate and I'll eat here. Bruce (Laughing): Give him a plate and you eat here... Come on, I give you a table. Jerry: Excuse me... we've been waiting here. Now, I KNOW we were ahead of that guy, he just came in. Bruce: Oh no, Mr. Cohen always here. Elaine: He's always here? What does that mean? What does that mean? Bruce: Oh, Mr. Cohen, very nice man. He live on Park Avenue. Elaine: Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?! George: She's not there. She left. She must've waited and left because those people wouldn't get off the phone. Jerry: Didja leave a message? George: Yeah, I told her to call me here and to tell anyone who answers the phone to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses. I better tell him I'm expecting a call. Elaine: Oh, Jerry, here comes that woman... Jerry: Where do I know her? Lorraine: Hello, Jerry! Jerry: Heeeeyyyy... How you doin'? Lorraine: How is everything? Jerry: Good, good, good... What's goin' on? Lorraine: Oh, working hard. And you? Jerry: Oh, you know, working around, same stuff, doing... whatever. Lorraine: You haven't been around in a while. Jerry: I know, I know... Well, you know. Lorraine: You should come by. Jerry: Definitely. I plan to, I'm not just saying that. Elaine: Hi, I'm Elaine. Lorraine (Shaking Her Hand): Lorraine. Catalano. Jerry: I'm sorry, Lorraine, this is Elaine... Lorraine: Well it was nice seeing you, Jerry. And nice meeting you. (she leaves) Elaine (Smug): Oh, nice to meet you too, Lorraine! Jerry: Oh my god, Lorraine... that's Lorraine from my uncle's office. I'm in big, big trouble. Elaine: The one you broke the plans with tonight? Jerry: Yeah, she works in his office. Now she's gonna see him tomorrow and tell him she saw me here tonight. He's gonna tell his wife, his wife's gonna call my mother. Oh, this is bad, you don't know, the chain reaction of calls this is gonna set off. New York, Long Island, Florida, it's like the Bermuda Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears. My uncle to my aunt, my aunt to my mother, my mother to my uncle... Jerry: ...My uncle to my cousin, my cousin to my sister, my sister to me. Elaine: You should've just had dinner with your uncle tonight and gotten in over with. It's just a movie. Jerry: Just a movie?! You don't understand. This isn't 'Plans 1 through 8 from Outer Space', this is 'Plan 9', this is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made! Jerry: Hey, I got news for you, if we're making this movie, we gotta get a table immediately. Elaine: Alright, OK. Let's stop fooling around. Let's just slip him some money. Jerry: In a Chinese restaurant? Do they take money? Elaine: Do they take money? Everyone takes money. I used to go out with a guy who did it all the time, you just slip him 20 bucks. George: 20 bucks? Isn't that excessive? Elaine: Well what do you want to give him, change? George: It's more than the meal! Jerry: Oh, come on, We'll divide it up three ways. George: Alright. 7,7, (points at himself) 6. I'm not gonna eat that much! Jerry: I'm counting your shrimps. OK, Who's gonna do it? George: Oh no, I can't do it. I-I'm not good at these things, I get flustered. Once I tried to bribe an usher at the roller derby, I almost got arrested. Elaine: I guess it's you, Jer. Jerry: Me? What about you? Elaine: Oh, I can't do that, it's a guy thing. Jerry: The woman's movement just can't seem to make any progress in the world of bribery, can they? Elaine: Give me the money. Elaine: How's it going'? Bruce: Very busy. Elaine: Boy, we are REALLY anxious to sit down. Bruce: Very good specials tonight. Elaine: If there's anything you can do to get us a table we'd really appreciate it. Bruce: What is your name? (he turns the page over the money) Elaine: No no, I want to eat now! (she gets the money from under the page) Bruce: Yes, we have sea-bass dinner tonight, very fresh. Elaine (Gives Him The Money): Here, take this. I'm starving. Take it! Take it! Bruce: Dennison, 4! (goes over to 4 ladies) Your table is ready. Elaine: No no, no, I want that table. I want that table! Oh, come on, did you see that? What was that? He took the money, he didn't give us a table. Jerry: You lost the 20. Elaine: Well, how could he do that? George: You didn't make it clear. Elaine: Make it clear? Jerry: What a sorry exhibition that was. Alright, let me get the money back. Bruce: Your name? Jerry: Seinfeld. Bruce: Yeah, Seinfeld 4! Jerry: No no no, you see the girl there, with the long hair? Bruce: Oh yes, yes. Very beautiful girl, very beautiful. Is your girlfriend? Jerry: Well, actually, we did date for a while, but... it's really not relevant here. Bruce: Relationships are difficult. It's very hard to stay together- Jerry: Alright, listen, alright. How much longer is it gonna be? Bruce: Oh. In about five, ten minutes. George: So? Jerry: There seems to be a bit of a discrepancy. Elaine: So when are we gonna eat? Jerry: Five, ten minutes. George: We should have left earlier. I told you. Jerry: I don't see any way we can eat and make this movie. Elaine: Oh, well I have to eat. Jerry: Well let's just order to go, we'll eat it in the cab. Elaine: Eat it in the cab? Chinese food in a cab? Jerry: We'll eat it in the movie. Elaine: Oh, who do you think you're going? Do you think that they have big picnic tables there? Jerry: Well what do you suggest? Elaine: I say we leave now, we go to 'Skyburger' and we scarf 'em down. Jerry: I'm not going to 'Skyburger'. Besides, it's in the opposite direction, let's just eat popcorn or something. Bruce (Holding A Phone): Cartwright? Elaine: I can't have popcorn for dinner! Bruce: Cartwright? Elaine (Tries To Snatch Food Off A Waiter'S Tray): I have to eat! Jerry: So they have hotdogs there. Elaine: Oh, movie hotdogs! I rather lick the food off the floor. George: I can't go anywhere, I have to wait here for Tatiana's call. Let me just check. George: Excuse me, I'm expecting a call. Costanza? Bruce: Yeah, I just got a call. I yell 'Cartwright! Cartwright!', just like that. Nobody came up, I hang up. George: Well, was it for Costanza or... Bruce: Yes, yes, that's it. Nobody answered. George: Well was it a woman? Bruce: Yeah, yeah. I tell her you not here, she said curse word, I hang up. George: She called. He yelled Cartwright. I missed her. Jerry: Who's Cartwright? George: I'm Cartwright! Jerry: You're not Cartwri- George: Of course I'm not Cartwright! Look, why don't you two just go to the movies all by yourselves, I'm not in the mood. Elaine: Well me neither, I'm goin' to 'Skyburger'. Jerry: So You're not going? Elaine: You don't need us. Jerry: Well I can't go to a bad movie by myself. Who am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to, strangers? Eh, I guess I'll just go to my uncle's. George: Should we tell him we're leaving? Elaine: What for? Let's just get out of here. Bruce: Seinfeld, 4? Jerry: Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism. Cannibalism, what do they say, I mean, they're eating and, you know, "This is good, who is this? I like this person". You know, I mean, I would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some very deep sleep, you know what I mean? I would think, you'd be like, (pretending to wake up) "Who is that? Who's there? Who's there? Is somebody there? What do you want? What do you want? You look hungry, are you hungry? Get out of here!"

[Setting: Night club] Jerry: I'm not a foodie. I don't, "Oh, this is too rare. Oh, it's too salty." Just eat it and shut up. I'll eat anywhere, whatever they're having. I have eaten rotten rolls off of room service trays in hotel hallways. I have. It's not a joke. This is my life. I don't know, somebody left it. Why would someone poison a roll, and leave it in a hallway for some comic coming down at two o' clock in the morning? Why would they do that? Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in a little book. What is this? The story of the bill? "Once upon a time, there were some very hungry people.." What is this? A little gold tassle hanging down? Am I graduating from the restaurant? What is this about? [Setting: A restaurant] Elaine: Do you want some of mine? Jerry: Take some of mine. George: Why do I get pesto? Why do I think I'll like it? I keep trying to like it, like I have to like it. Jerry: Who said you have to like it? George: Everybody likes pesto. You walk into a restaurant, that's all you hear - pesto, pesto, pesto. Jerry: I don't like pesto. George: Where was pesto 10 years ago? Jerry: (Gesturing to a man) Look at that guy. (Elaine starts to look, but Jerry stops her) I'll bet you he's gettin' hair transplants. Any time you see a guy that age wearing a baseball cap, ten to one - plugs. Elaine: (Elaine turns to look at the man, trying to make it sound like they aren't talking about him) The thing about that painting.. is with the colors and um.. (Turns back to Jerry) Oh yeah, plugola. Jerry: (To Elaine) Oh, one more thing about the car. Let it warm up for a minute. George: That's a tough minute. It's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work. Jerry: I don't understand why he couldn't take a cab. George: Who? Jerry: Elaine is having a "houseguest." She's picking him up at the airport tonight. George: A guy? Elaine: (Slightly embarrassed) Yes, a guy. Jerry: He's from a.. Yakima, right? Elaine: Seattle. Jerry: Everybody's moving to Seattle. George: It's the pesto of cities. So..? Elaine: (To Jerry) You tell him. Jerry: Well, from what I can piece together, our friend here met a gentleman. Elaine: Ed. Jerry: Who was in town on a business venture, and um.. Elaine: ..We shared an interpersonal experience. (George hits his glass with his fork. To Jerry) Go on. Jerry: So they went out a few times, but apparently, when the fellow returned home, he discovered that the Benes tattoo does not wash off so easily. Elaine: On some people. George: Oooh. Jerry: So, he's coming in to stay with her for a week. Elaine: It was just gonna be a weekend, but then somehow it became a week. Manager: What happened? George: Oh, the busboy left the menu a little close to the candle. Manager: Sorry to the disturbance. Elaine: (Joking, she snobbishly says) I'm never eating here again. Jerry: (Pats George on the back) Nice going. Thank you, that ought to get us a free dessert.. (They can see the manager chewing the busboy out from the dining room doorway) I think the busboy's in trouble. George: Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said?! I just told him what happened.. he didn't do it on purpose.. (Mangager and busboy are arguing. The busboy points in the direction of George) He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?! Elaine: I said I would never eat here again.. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding. Jerry: (Casually buttering a roll, like he's the innocent one) I didn't say anything. George: I can't believe it. He's going! He's fired! Elaine: Oh, I said it in a kidding way. George: I didn't know he'd get fired. Jerry: (Jokingly trying to put more pressure on Elaine and George) He'll probably kill his family over this. George: What if he's waiting for me outside? He pointed at me! Did you see him point?! Jerry: (Again, joking) A lot of ex-cons become busboys. They seem to gravitate twards 'em. George: Was it my fault? Elaine: Was it my fault? Jerry: (Doesn't have a care in the world) ..Maybe I'll try that pesto. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Jerry: Look, I feel bad for him too, but he'll get another job. I mean, let's face it, it's not a profession where you embellish your resume and undergo a series of grueling interviews. George: (Eating a sandwich) Oh, like you really know busboys. Jerry: Oh, like you do. George: Hey, at least I was a camp waiter. Jerry: (Scoffing) Camp. George: It was a fat camp. Those kids depended on me. Jerry: Elaine? Elaine: (Through intercom) Yeah. Jerry: Busboys are always changing jobs. That's the business. I know. I work with these guys. I tallk to them in the kitchen at the comedy clubs. George: Then why don't you try and get him another job? Jerry: I'd love to, but I don't know anything about him. He could be one of those people that walks around the street pricking people with pins. Elaine: I don't know if you people are aware of this, but I am one clever chickadee. George: What? Did you get the busboy's number? Elaine: His phone's been disconnected, but I was able to obtain an address - 1324 Amsterdam Avenue, apartment 4D. (Hands George a card) Now, I did my job. (To Jerry) May I have the car keys, please? George: How did you get all this? Elaine: Does the word "charm" mean anything to you? Jerry: No. (George grabs his jacket) So now you're going to his apartment? I really think this is nuts. George: (Putting his jacket on) I'd like to apologize. I want to tell him I.. I.. didn't mean to get him in trouble. Jerry: You, you're going now? George: Yeah, I want to see if there's anything I can do.. maybe get him another job.. maybe I'll hear of something. Jerry: Maybe the fat camp. (To Elaine) You're not going? Elaine: I would, but I have to pick up Ed at the airport. Jerry: I just don't think you should go alone. Can't you wait till after my set? George: It'll take to long. Jerry: Take the K-man. A little support.. George: (Unsure) I don't a.. Kramer: Take me where? Where? [Setting: An apartment building hallway] George: Look, I really appreciate your coming, but if you wouldn't mind - try not to say too much. Kramer: What am I gonna say? George: I don't know. Kramer: Well, I'm not an idiot. George: Certainly not. Kramer: Then we're cool. George: Yeah.. yeah, we're - we're cool. (Knocks lightly. Kramer takes charge by knocking on the door louder. The busboy answers) Uh, I'm sorry to bother you, I was in the restaurant earlier and I was wondering if I could talk to you for a few minutes about what happened. (He gestures for them to come in. They obey) I hope I'm not interrupting anything. It's just that I think I may have - without realizing it - been responsible for getting you fired. (Nervously laughs) And.. and.. and I just want you to know that I didn't intend for that to happen. Kramer: (Patting George on the shoulder) He's a hell of a guy. George: This is a guy I know.. Kramer. Kramer: Habla espanol? George: (To himself) Oh my God. Antonio: Si. Kramer: Como se dice.. waterbed? George: (Interrupting) Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I'm really sorry that happened, and if I can help out in any way, I'll certainly be glad to do that. (Pause) Well, I guess that's about it. Kramer: You got anything to drink? Agua? George: Oy uy uy.. (Antonio points to the sink) We really should get going. Kramer: Let me get a glass of water. (Heads tward the sink) George: Hurry up. Antonio: (Notices that his cat is missing) Pequita? Pequita? (Starts to panic) Kramer: His cat's gone. Antonio: (Notes the door was left wide open) La puerta esta abierta. (Starts screaming) La puerta esta abierta! (To Kramer and George) Who left the door open? (Silence) Who left the door open?! (Kramer and George look at eachother) Come on, come on! Help me look! (All three head out the door to look) [Setting: Antonio's apartment] Kramer: ..You know, cats run away all the time. You know, my aunt, she had a cat. Ran away. Showed up three years later.. you never know. They got things in George: (Gestures for Kramer to shut up) Once again, Antonio, I can't even begin to say how deeply, deeply sorry I am about everything. The job, the cat.. (A lamp breaks) the lamp. Kramer: The wire was sticking out.. (Fits the two broken pieces together) Yeah. George: (Hands Antonio a card) Here's my card. I'm in real estate, so, if you're ever looking for something bigger, something nicer.. (Antonio is staring at him, angered) ..maybe not right now. Anyway.. (Extends his hand for a handshake. Antonio doesn't move) Kramer: You oughta get that wire fixed. (They go to leave) I got the door. (Shuts the door, the broken lamp falls to the floor) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Jerry: (On the phone) George, stop worrying about this guy. It wasn't your fault.. Come on, he's not stalking you. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: (To Kramer) Hey. (To George) He doesn't even know where you live.. Who told you to give him your business card?.. (Intercom buzzes) That's Elaine. (Kramer buzzes her in. Jerry talks into the phone) Kramer.. (To Kramer) George wants to know when you want to look for the cat again. Kramer: It's been a week. It's up to the cat now. Jerry: (Into phone) Kramer says it's up to the cat now. (To Kramer) It'll be on your conscience. Kramer: Oh? How do you figure? Jerry: (Into phone) How do you figure? (To Kramer) 'Cause you're the one who left the door open. Kramer: Why was I in charge of closing the door? Jerry: (Into phone) Why was he in charge of closing the door? (Irritated at the phone message relay, to Kramer) 'Cause you came in after him! Kramer: So! Jerry: (Into phone) So! (To Kramer - getting even more angry) So, the last person in should close the door! Kramer: Let me talk to him. Jerry: (To Kramer) Talk - call him from your house. (Elaine enters. Kramer leaves. To phone) He's calling you now.. okay. (Hangs up) Elaine: Ed's downstairs. CAn I have the car keys? Jerry: No hello? Elaine: Got any asprin? (Finds some) Hello. Now, lookit, you guarantee this car will get me to the airport tomarrow? No problems? Jerry: Guarantee? ..Hey, it's a car. Elaine: Because if there's even the slightest chance of any problem at all, I don't want to take it - because if I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle and out of my life, I'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me. Jerry: (Jokingly asking) So, did you have a nice week together? Elaine: I heard a little ping in the car last time. What was that ping? Jerry: There's no ping. Why are you so wacky? Elaine: Jerry, you cannot imagine how much I hate this guy.. and he hasn't even done anything! It's the situation. He's a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts! Jerry: So, you two been, uh.. Elaien: No! I told him I've been having my period for the last five days! I'm sleeping all squished over on the edge of my bed.. But, I've only got fourteen hours to go. Nothing can go wrong now. I think I've taken care of everything. I've confirmed the plane reservation. I've checked the weather.. Jerry: What's your airport route? Elaine: I've got it all mapped out - I'm taking the tunnel. Jerry: ..What about the Van Wyck? Elaine: I spoke to a cab driver. For five bucks, he turned me on to the Rockaway Boulevard shortcut. Jerry: Oooh. Elaine: Now, lookit, this plane leaves at 1015. We're getting up at about eight. That gives us enough time, right? Jerry: You still using that old alarm clock? Elaien: Oh, no, no. I bought a new one today. It's got everything - it's got everything... If you oversleep more than ten minutes, a hand comes out and slaps you in the face. [Setting: Night club] Jerry: Flying doesn't make me nervous - driving to the airport can make you very nervous because when you're flying, when you're getting on the plane, if you miss that plane, there's no alternative. On the ground, you have options. You have buses, you have taxis, you have trains. But, when you're taking a flight, if you miss it, that's it. No airline goes, "Well, you missed the flight, we do have a cannon leaving in about ten minutes. Would you be interested in that? It's not a direct cannon, you have to change cannons after you land." (Imitates cannon operator) "I'm sorry, where you goin'? Chicago? (Cranks the cannon) Oh, Dallas? Alright, wait a second.. (Cranks cannon to Dallas) Dallas. That's about Dallas. Texas, anyway. You should hit Texas. Are you ready? Make sure you get out of the net immediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you." [Setting: Elaine's apartment] (Elaine And Ed Are In Bed. Elaine Awakes To Find Out That It'S 9: 15 - they overslept. She gets frantic) Elaine: (Trying to wake Ed up) Get up! The alarm clock didn't go off! (Shakes him) It's 915! You're gonna miss the plane! It's 915! Ed: 915? Elaine: Yes! 915! Ed: (Going back to sleep) We'll never make it. I'll leave tomarrow. Elaine: Tomarrow?! Are you crazy? No, now, now! Let's go! (Gets his suitcase from the closet, throws it on the bed, and frantically starts packing) You get dressed! Get dressed! Ed: Can I shower? Elaine: Shower?! ARe you out of your mind?! Ed: I gotta shower. I'll feel dirty all day. Elaine: Forget the shower! The shower's out. Move it! Put your clothes on! Put your clothes on! (Pulls out drawers of clothes, turning them over in the suitcase. He walks tward the door) Where are you going? Ed: The kitchen. Elaine: The kitchen?! Ed: I've got a bag of cashews in there. Elaine: They're not making it! Let's get your pants on! Ed: What's the big deal if we don't make it? I'll just go tomarrow or the next day. Elaine: No! You have your ticket! You have to go now! Ed: I'll never make it. Elaine: Don't say that! Ed: But it takes forty-five minutes to get there. That'll only leave me five minutes to get to the plane. Elaine: Shut up and pack! Ed: And what if I don't make the plane? You'll have already left. Then what will I do? Elaine: You're talking too much! Ed: Where's my sweater? Elaine: What?! Ed: My brown sweater. Elaine: What? What sweater? Ed: My brown sweater. Elaine: You didn't bring a brown sweater. Ed: I brought a brown sweater. Elaine: Here! Here! You want a brown sweater?! (Recahes into one of her drawers, and grabs a brown sweater, then packs it) You got a brown sweater! Ed: That's not mine. I can't take your sweater. Elaine: It's brown! (Takes clothes still on the hangers, and dumps them into the suitcase) Ed: What are you doing?! Elaine: NO time for folding.. (Looks around) I think that's it. (Zips up the suitcase) Ed: My shoes. You packed my shoes. Elaine: Shoes? Shoes?! Shoes?! Shoes weren't invented till the fourth century! People walked around for thousands of years without them! (Puts her coat on over her nightie. He picks up his suitcase, she grabs it from him, then pushes him out of her way) I got this. Let's go! [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Jerry: Anywhere in the city? George: Anywhere in the city - I'll tell you the best public toilet. Jerry: Okay.. Fifty-fourth and Sixth? George: Sperry Rand Building. 14th floor, Morgan Apparel. Mention my name - she'll give you the key. Jerry: Alright.. Sixty-fifth and Tenth. George: (Scoffs) ARe you kidding? Lincoln Center. Alice Tully Hall, the Met. Magnificent facilities. Elaine: (Slow, as if remember a dream) I never new I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold metal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there.. and then.. I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this - I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car-pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs. Kramer: ..The busboy's coming! The busboy's coming! George: The busboy's coming? Jerry: You don't mean here? Kramer: Yeah. I just buzzed him in. He's on his way up.. George: He's coming up?! (Moves to the door) I'll check you out later. Jerry: Where are you going? George: I'm the one he wants! He's coming to settle the score. Jerry: (Trying to get George and Kramer out) No. You three all know each other. There's no point in me getting involved at this stage of the game. Kramer: No, he's not going to do anything. I guarantee it. George: Oh, the hell with it. Let him kill me. I.. Kramer: Antonio. In here! George: (Nervous, his voice cracks) Hey, Antonio. How's it going? Antonio: Three nights ago, a gas main beneath the restaurant exploded, killing five people in my section, including the busboy who replaced me. If I am not fired that night because of you and your thoughtless, stupid, insensitive remarks, it would have been me. You saved my life. (Hugs him again) George: (Trying to be modest) Ah, come on.. Elaine: (Into the intercom) Yeah? Ed: It's Eddie. Elaine: He's coming up. (Buzzes him in) He's coming up.. Antonio: And that very same night of the accident, while looking for Pequita, I found a job in a restaurant where they pay me almost twice what I was making before - and when I returned to the apartment, Pequita, perhaps frightened from the explosion, had miraculously returned. Well, but now, I must go, for today I am starting my new and wonderful job. And I am very late. Thank you, thank you, thank you all. (Leaves) Ed: Hey, watch were you're going. You almost knocked my head off! Antonio: Hey, why don't you watch where you're going, okay? 'Cause you bumped into me! Ed: Who do you think you're talking to, pal? Antonio: Hey, get your hands off me! Ed: Go to hell! [Setting: Coffee shop] Jerry: He'll get another job. He's a busboy! George: It won't for a while. At least not until after the cast comes off. Jerry: It was that fall down the stairs. That's what did it. George: That's not how it happened. It's when he fell on him with his knee. Elaine: Oh, that was awful. Poor Antonio. (Waiter hands Elaine two bags of food to go) ..Thanks. George: So, much longer? Elaine: Till when - till he goes back to Seattle, or till he can feed himself? George: (Not wanting to make Elaine mad) I guess it's not important. Elaine: Take care of yourselves. (Leaves) George: I should probably get going too. If I don't feed Pequita by seven, she goes all over everything.. take it easy. Jerry: Yeah.. (Takes a bite of his sandwich as the waiter starts cleaning off the table) How ya doing? [Setting: Night club] Jerry: First of all, I can't believe that people actually do fight. People have fist fights in life. I can't really believe that we have boxing either. It's really kind of an amazing thing. To me, the problem with boxing is - you have two guys having a fight that have no prior argument. Why don't they have the boxers come into the ring in little cars, drive around a bit, have a little accident? They get out, "Didn't you see my signal?" "Look at that fender!" ..Then you'd see a real fight.

Jerry: Evry-Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. "Oh, is he good?" "Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best." They can't all be the best. There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes, where are these doctors? Is somewhere, someone saying to their friend, "You should see my doctor, he's the worst. Oh yeah, he's the worst, he's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him. No, he's just, he's a butcher. The man's a butcher." And then there's always that, "Make sure that you tell him that, you know, you know me." Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor. What is it, "Oh, you know Bob! Okay, I'll give you the real medicine. And everybody else, I'm giving Tic-Tacs." Julianna: ...And usually for lunch I'll have a salad, and for dinner, I eat whatever I want. Jerry: What do you think the worst part of being blind is? Julianna: Excuse me? Jerry: You know, if you were blind, what do you think the worst part of it would be? Julianna: I don't know. Jerry: I think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food. How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue. Julianna: Well that's how my five-year old eats. He's a very picky eater. Jerry: You hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in Pennsylvania? Julianna: No. Jerry: He was at a carnival with his mother. She goes to get a hot dog, next thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone. Julianna: Oh. Jerry: Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that. (she starts the quick hand chops on his back) And these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy, I could be one of these people. Julianna (Visibly Uncomfortable): Have you seen any good movies? Jerry: Who takes care of your boy during the day? Julianna: We have a woman. Why? Jerry: No no. I'm just saying. Julianna: She had references. Jerry: Oh I'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable. I'm talking about the ones that forge `em. Jerry: (about the massage)You know I think this is really helping. Julianna: I don't live near here, ya know! Jerry: So she's giving me the massage and I'm just making conversation. Elaine: I don't like to talk during a massage. Jerry: Neither do I, but I do it for them. I figure they're bored. George: Yeah, I do that too. I feel guilty about getting the pleasure. I feel like I don't deserve it so I talk. It stops me from enjoying it. There's nothing to eat in here. Elaine: Oh! I forgot to tell you- Jerry: I'm in the middle of a story. Elaine: Oh, okay, go ahead. George: Why don't you ever go shopping? Jerry: Well its not like it's a really funny story or anything. Elaine: What happened? Jerry: Well so she mentioned that she had a son, and then for some reason, I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted. Elaine: Oh, wasn't that terrible? Jerry: Yes, it was. George: Not even an apple. Elaine: She doesn't want to hear that, that was stupid. Jerry: I know it was stupid. Elaine: Really stupid. (she takes a big sip from her bottled water.) Jerry: Hey, I just said it was stupid. George: What about this leftover Chinese food? Jerry: Take it. Elaine: I can't believe you said that. Jerry: Hey, would you stop it already? Elaine: So, whatd she say? Jerry: I don't know, she actually seemed to get a little paranoid. George: (he just took a bite of the Chinese food ) This is terrible. What is this, ginger? I hate ginger. I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger. (puts the container back in the refrigerator.) Elaine: I have a good masseuse you could go to. Jerry: Nah, she's really good and she's not just a masseuse, she's a physical therapist. There's a big difference. She uses the ultrasound, it's a real medical procedure. In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's covered by insurance. George: Physical therapy is covered by insurance? Jerry: Yeah. George: You don't have to pay for the massage? Jerry: Not if you have a doctor's note. Elaine: So where do you get this note? Jerry: Well I've never actually done it but if I really wanted to I could probably get one from my friend Roy, the dentist. George: Right, your friend Roy. Elaine: What's the name of this physical therapist? Jerry: I'll tell you, but don't ask her anything about her kid, she a little off. George: And you don't have to pay. George: We have a, three-o'clock appointments. Receptionist: George and Elaine, right? Elaine: Right. Receptionist: Could you fill these out for me please? And um, Elaine, you'll be seeing Julianna Elaine: (quietly) Ok. Receptionist: And George, you'll be with Raymond. George: Excuse me, did you say 'Raymond'? Receptionist: Yes. George: But, uh, Raymond is a man. Receptionist: That's right. George: I can't get a massage from a man. Elaine: Why not? George: What, are you crazy? I can't have a man touching me. Switch with me. Elaine: No, I don't want the man either. George: What's the difference, you're a woman. They're supposed to be touching you. Elaine: He'd just be touching your back. George: He'd just be touching your back too. Elaine: No, it could get sexual. George: I know. That's the point. If it's gonna get sexual, it should get sexual with you. Elaine: I wouldn't be comfortable. George: I would? What if something happens? Elaine: What could happen? George: What if it felt good? Elaine: It's supposed to feel good. George: I don't want it to feel good. Elaine: Then why get the massage? George: Exactly! Raymond: George? George: Yes? Raymond: I'm Raymond. (with a big smile) George: Hello.(with not a big smile) Raymond: Are you ready? (smiling, he looks at Elaine. She smiles back at him while looking all the way up there at the tall, handsome Raymond.) Raymond: And then Julianna asked me if I wanted to join her here in the office. George: Really. Raymond: Use to be a flight attendant. George: Oh boy. Raymond: Ya know, why don't ya, open those pants, it's gonna be a lot easier that way. Raymond: So what do you do? George: What? Raymond: I said, 'What do you do?'. George: I-I don't know. Raymond: You don't know what you do? George: Nah. Raymond: Ohh-ho, come on. Hey, you're very tense. George: hu, Coffee. Too much coffee (nervous laughter). Raymond: Okay, just take off those pants now, and I'll work the hamstring. George: Oh, the hamstrings fine. Raymond: But you wrote that it was tender. (holding the clip board) George: I wrote. Pfft, *I* wrote. Raymond: I'll check it out. (makes a notation on the form) George: Are you sure? Raymond: Yeah, take 'em off. (continues writing) Raymond: How did you hurt this? George: I don't know. Raymond: You don't know? George: No. Raymond: But you just told me- George: Korea. Raymond: You hurt it in Korea? George: What? Raymond: The hamstring. George: Korea. Raymond: How? George: Hamstring. Raymond: How did you hurt the hamstring? George: Hotel. Elaine: How'd it go? George? Jerry: No appointments at all? Because my neck is still tight. What about Thursday? And Friday? Oh boy. Okay, thanks anyway. Jerry: What's with you? George: A... ah... Jerry: Yes, A...? George: A man gave me... Jerry: Yes, a man gave you...? George: A man gave me... a massage. hu, hu Jerry: So? George: So he... had his hands and, uh, he was uh Jerry: He was what?! George: He-he was uh touching and rubbing. (nervous laugh) Jerry: That's a massage. George: And then I took my pants off. Jerry: You took your pants off? George: For my hamstring. Jerry: Oh. George: He got about uh, two inches from... there. Jerry: Really? George: I think it moved. Jerry: Moved? George: It may have moved, I don't know. Jerry: I'm sure it didn't move. George: It moved! It was imperceptible but I-I felt it. Jerry: Maybe it just wanted to change positions? You know, shift to the other side. George: No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, this was a move. Jerry: Okay, so what if it moved? George: That's the sign! The test; if a - if a man makes it move. Jerry: That's not the test. Contact is the test, if it moves, as a result of contact. George: You think it's contact? It has to be touched? Jerry: That's what a gym teacher once told me. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Hey. Kramer: I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Donuts. You know, I-I looked in there and there he was having coffee and a donut. Jerry: Joe DiMaggio? In Dinky Donuts? Kramer: Yeah. Joe DiMaggio. Jerry: No, I'm sorry, if Joe DiMaggio wants a donut, he goes to a fancy restaurant or a hotel. He's not sitting in Dinky Donuts. Kramer: Well maybe he likes Dinky Donuts. George: I don't even like to sit next to a man on an airplane 'cause our knees might touch. Jerry: I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter in little tiny filthy smelly Dinky Donuts. Kramer: Why can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut like everyone else? Jerry: He can have a donut, Kramer: Yeah. Jerry: but not at Dinky. George: I don't even like to use urinals, always been a stall man. Kramer: Look I'm tellin- (he does a double take and looks at George) I'm telling ya, that was Joe DiMaggio. George: The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe, he's in Dinky Donuts. What about this doctor's note? Let's go see your friend Roy. Jerry: I never said I'd do that. George: What are you talking about, that's seventy-five bucks! I'm not working, I can't afford that. Jerry: I don't know how I feel about it. George: Oh, what are you, like, a Quaker now? Jerry: Alright, alright. Kramer: A stall man, huh? (small laugh) George: All right - (Gets up to leave) Kramer: Wha-ha-a-at? (makes a gesture with his hand) Jerry: ...so we were just kinda wondering if it was possible for you to write us a note, and if you can't, believe me, it's fine. George: He didn't say he can't. Jerry: I mean, if you feel funny about it, at all. George: He doesn't feel funny. Jerry: If he does. George: Do you feel funny? He didn't say anything. Jerry: He feels funny. You don't have to do this. George: He knows that! Jerry: Roy, should we go? Is this a breach of our friendship? George: Oh, can you be any more dramatic? Roy: Don't be ridiculous. (Notices George looking at a poster on the wall) Holyfield. He's a good friend of one of my patients. He's got a hell of a body, doesn't he? George: How would I know? Roy: Do you like him? George: What do you mean, like him? Roy: Do you like him? George: I mean he's a good fighter and a nice guy but I don't like him. Roy: How come you don't like him? George: Why should I? Jerry: What is the matter with you? George: Nothing, why? You think something's wrong? Am I different? Roy: So, you want the notes? Jerry: You don't have to, really. Roy: Nah nah, it's ok. Jerry: We should probably get one for Elaine, too, right George? (turns to George, who is staring intently at the Holyfield poster) George? Jerry: Well what about the week after? Jerry: No appointments at all? (motions to Elaine to move over) Elaine: What? (he bumps her with his butt to move over) Jerry: Can I - can I at least just talk to her so I can apologize? Forget it. (Hangs up) I can't believe this, I make one innocent comment, about some lunatic in Pennsylvania and I'm cut off. This woman is insane. (Looks at Elaine for a moment) What's with you? Elaine: What? Jerry: Well you were too close to me, I was all scrunched in there. Elaine: Hey, you scrunched me. I sat down here first. Kramer: Hey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop again. Jerry: Uh huh. Kramer: Yeah. Elaine: Joe DiMaggio? Kramer: Joe DiMaggio, you know this time I went in and sat down across from him and I really watched him. I studied, his every move. For example, he dunks. Elaine: Joe DiMaggio dunks his donut?! Kramer: That's right. Jerry: See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker. Kramer: Oh, he's a dunker. Elaine: Why couldn't he be a dunker? Kramer: And nothing diverts his attention. Like, I'm uh, you know, I-I, like I'm sitting in there, you know. And, uh, I start banging on the table, you know, to uh, so that hell look up, you know, Like I'm sitting there you know and uh, *bang* (slams the table) You know, *bang* He wouldn't move. So then I start doing these yelping noises. Like, *yip* (high pitched yelping noises) *yip*. No reaction because the guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything that's going on around him. See, that's how he played baseball. He dunks like he hits. Elaine: So then what? Kramer: Well, then the waitress, she comes up and she tells me to shut up or they're gonna throw me out. Elaine: Why didn't you just call out his name? Jerry: What happened to you? George: These kids called me a Mary. Elaine: A what? George: I was jumping over a puddle, and for some reason I went like this. (George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion) And they called me a Mary. So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell. Kramer: Yeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive. Elaine: Hey, George? What is this? (laughing, Elaine makes the same outstretched arm motion) What is that? No really, what is that? Jerry: Hello? Oh, hi Roy. What? Oh my god. Wel- how did this happen? What can I do? Oh. I am so sorry. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up) That was Roy. He's under investigation for insurance fraud. Kramer (Singing): ...just a man and not a freak, Joltin' Joe DiMaggio. Joe, Joe. Go, Joe... Jerry: I told you. George: Told me what? Jerry: I told you we shouldn't do it. George: He didn't say anything. Jerry: He's got a house, a family, they could take away his license. You should have heard him. Three notes, how stupid was that? We never should have got three notes. Elaine: Three notes? Jerry: Yeah, you, me and George. Elaine: You got me a note? Jerry: Yeah. Elaine: But I got my own note. Jerry: You what? Elaine: I got a note from my gynecologist. Jerry: Why'd you do that? Elaine: I didn't know you were getting me a note. Jerry: Of course I was getting you a note. Elaine: But you didn't say anything. Ohhh Jerry: Neither did you, that's how he got caught. We sent in four notes from two doctors. George: No Doctor- Elaine: Wait a- Kramer: How can you do that to your friend? He's got a wife, kids, and a lot of other stuff. Oh, yyyeeah. Jerry: Hi Pam. Pam: Hello. George: Hello. Jerry: I just thought ahh maybe I could talk to Roy, if um Roy: Pam, did the x-ray from Mrs. Sloan... Hi. Jerry: Hi Roy. George: How ya doing? Roy: Come on back, I have a patient but she's under. Jerry: I don't even know what to say. George: Me neither. Jerry: I knew this would happen. George: Me too. Jerry: I mean the whole thing, it's just... George: Tragic. Jerry: Well it's not tragic. George: No? Jerry: No, it's... George: Unsettling? Jerry: Okay. I mean, what if the- Pam: I hope you're both happy. (she turns and walks away) Jerry: I'm not happy. George: Me neither. I've never been happy. Jerry: I mean I'm happy sometimes, but-but not now. George: In college, maybe. Those were fun times. Jerry: Yeah, college was fun. George: Yeah. Jerry: Yeah. Pam: You know the whole practice is in jeopardy, you know that? (she turns and walks away again.) Roy: Don't mind her. Jerry: Oh please, I love her. George: I've just met her but I'm very impressed. Roy: I can't understand, I've never had a problem with these notes before. Jerry: Well what's the next move, what's gonna happen now? Roy: Well, nothing really, as long as we get the physical therapist to go along with our story. Jerry: What? The physical therapist? Why? Roy: She just has to say the complaint was related to a dental problem. George: How ya doing? Jerry: Hi. Ah look, I know I don't have an appointment but it's really important that I talk with Julianna. Receptionist: I'm sorry, Mr. Seinfeld, she's not in. Jerry: Yeah, I know she's mad at me, but I really have to speak with her. Receptionist: I told you, she's not here. Jerry: You don't understand, ah Receptionist: Look, you have to leave. Jerry: Wait a second, don't you- Jerry: Hi. Hi. Look, I don't know what you think - Julianna: Please! Jerry: -but, you see, let me just talk to you for a second, see, what I did is inadvertently sent an insurance- Julianna: I treated you, so please, just get out of the office! Jerry: Can't you just listen to me? Julianna (Releasing Her Child): Run Billy! Run to the office and close the door! (to the receptionist) Call the police! Jerry: The police? Raymond: What is the -. Hi George. (stands there with a big smile) George: Hello. Jerry (To George): Raymond? Elaine: Well, I mean it's only a six month probation, it's a slap on the wrist. Jerry: Yeah, I still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming. George: Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. All of a sudden I'll be, in the middle. Elaine: Of what? George: And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I say "Get out of here! What do you want? You don't belong here!" Elaine: What do they do? George: They talk back. They go, "Hey George, how's it going?" I say, "Get the hell out of here!" Jerry: Hey, it's the K-man. (he bangs on the glass to get Kramer's attention, Elaine laughs) Maybe it's time you got a different hobby. Kramer: Man, Ughhhh, wwwheh. I just came from Roy's. I threw up from the gas. Jerry: Did he say anything? Kramer: No no, he's fine. Jerry (Noticing Something Across The Coffee Shop): Oh my god, it's... George (Looking Over): Joe DiMaggio. Elaine: (gasps) Kramer: Where? Jerry: Having a cup of coffee. Elaine: And he's dunking! Kramer: Yeah - yeah. Jerry: Wow. Look at him. The Yankee Clipper Kramer: (quietly) yeah. Jerry: here. George: You see? Now that is a handsome man. (Elaine and Jerry look right at George) Oh please. Kramer: Wait, wait hold on now, wait, wait *bang* (he slams his hand down on the table, startling Jerry, Elaine and George) *bang* (again) *yip* (another high pitched yelping sound) *yip* *yip* See? I told you. Jerry: What causes homophobia? What is it, that makes a heterosexual man, worry? I think it's because, men know, that deep down we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, "Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little bit, see how you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him in a sandal?'" Song Over The End Credits: Joltin' Joe DiMaggio Http: //www.baseball-almanac.com/poetry/joltinjoedimaggio.shtml Published: 1941 Performed By: Les Brown Sung By: Betty Bonney

Jerry: Welcome everyone to the room...Ah, the extra button...yeah ... what kind of a sicko would save these ...have them in a huge file, drawers that wide (small fingers opening imaginary drawers) Where the hell is that ... I mean is it THAT hard to get round black buttons that they have to make it into such a great thing like this? ... is it such a great jacket ... the buttons are so unique, so one of a kind, you'll never find them - they save you the trouble of knocking your brain off - and we know they're going to fall off too that's the other thing ... Patrice: Everyone in my family's creative. And even though I'm working as an accountant now I'd really like to eventually live exclusively on my pappe-ay mache-ay hats George: I don't understand. Paper Machay hats? Patrice: uh uh George: What if it rains? Patrice: They're art. You hang them on the wall. George: Oh, art! Patrice: It's my creative outlet. One of my passions. George: Any money in it? Patrice: Who so belongs only to his age, references only popenjays and mumbo jumbos George: Of course, right. Patrice: Thomas Carlisle, 1864. George: Tommy C. Jerry: These are the receipts from 85 and I'm going to do 86. Kramer: I'm sorry. I thought it was a legitimate charity. I didn't know you'd get audited Jerry: I don't blame you. I blame myself. Kramer: No, blame me. Jerry: OK, I blame you. Kramer: Don't blame me. Jerry: What was I supposed to do? You knew I was on my first date with Elaine. You come barging in here asking me to contribute money for a volcano relief fund for krakatoa. Kramer: It was supposed to erupt. Jerry: I find the whole thing very embarrassing. Kramer: You know what my feelings are about this. I don't even pay taxes. Jerry: Yeah, tha's easy when you have no income. Elaine: Hi, Jerry: Hi Elaine: Kramer, do me a favour will ya'. If you insist o making pasta in my apartment please don't put the tomato sauce on the pasta while it's in the strainer. All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them. Elaine: What's so funny Jerry: Kramer dating your room mate. It's funny. Elaine: Uh, it's a riot Alice. Kramer: When do you pit the sauce on? Elaine: Any other time. Kramer: I like to strain the sauce. Elaine: And ... I could really live without the tribal music ... and the make out sessions in the living room Kramer: Yeah, Tina likes the couch. Elaine: What are you doing? What is all this? Jerry: Oh he's uh, helping me sort my receipts. I'm being audited. Elaine: O, your being auditted? What for? Jerry: Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very boring. Elaine: When was this? Jerry: Uh, Along long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. Elaine: I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date. Jerry: Volcano? Really? Elaine: Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ... Jerry: Something to drink? Elaine: What did you think, that would impress me? Jerry: You got it ALL wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans Elaine: Like you this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off? Jerry: Those brave Krakatoans East of Java. who sacrifice so much for so long. Elaine: Now you're being audited because of it. You see That's Karma. Jerry: No, that's Krama. Elaine: So, waddya' going to do? Jerry: It's all taken care of. Elaine: How is that? Kramer: (chuckles) Jerry: An old friend of mine, whom you may have met, George Costanza, has recently become intimate with a female accountant who was formally a highly placed official with an outfit known as the IRS. And as we speak, at this very moment he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information. And she has assured us that the matter is well within her field of expertise. Elaine: Why is she doing this? Jerry: I don't know. It must be love. George: I don't think we should see each other anymore. You're great but I'm I'm riddled with personal problems. Patrice: What did I do? George: Nothing It's not you. It's me. I have a fear of commitment. I don't know how to love. Patrice: You hate my earrings don't you? George: No, no, Patrice: And you didn't comment on the chop sticks. George: I love the chop sticks. I, I personally prefer a fork but they look very nice. Patrice: You're not telling me the truth. I must have done something. George: I have a fear of intimacy Patrice: Don't give me cliches. I have a right to know. What did I do wrong? George: Nothing. It's not YOU.. Patrice: I want the truth. George: The truth. you want the truth? It is your earrings It is the chopsticks but it's so much more. You're pretentious. You call everyone by their full name You call my doorman, Sammy, "Samuel" but you didn't even say "Samuel" You went "Sam - U- EL" Papie-eh Mach-eh What is Papie-ay Mach-ay? Patrice: Keep goin'. George: I, I think I made my point. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh. Patrice: No, I asked for the truth. Thank you for being so honest. George: Can I uh, can I walk you back to work? Patrice: I prefer to go alone. How much do I owe? George: Oh, please ... ... four dollars is f... Jerry: ... if this audit had happened to me and I didn't have this woman to help me I would have killed this man. I would have strangled the life out of him with my bare hands Elaine: I don't blame ya' Jerry: Have you ever been through an audit? Elaine: No. Jerry: It's hell. It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination. I would have killed this man. Torn him limb from limb, ripped the flesh right off his bones ... Jerry: Yeah George: George Jerry: Come up - Ah, there he is, the man himself, George Louis Costanza. Here I am about to go to the electric chair and my oldest friend is dating the governor George: My whole life has been a complete waste of time, (chuckle) Jerry: And there's so much more to go. George: Now I know what I am supposed to do. It's so simple. Tell the truth That's all. Just tell the truth Jerry: So what happened? You gave her my tax papers? ... My papers? George: Oh, oh, your papers Jerry: What happened you didn't give her the papers? George: No. I did. Jerry: SO? George: ...I broke up with her. Jerry: You what? George: I broke up with her. Jerry: I'm being audited! And you broke up with her? George: It's OK. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm sure she'll still do it. Jerry: Why will she still do it? She hates you now. People don't do you favors after you dump them. George: Oh, no. We left on good terms. Jerry: How is that possible? George: Because I uh, I told her the truth. Jerry: Oh, my God. George: It's OK. Jerry: It's unheard of ... George: She asked me to. Jerry: So you lie! What did you tell her? George: I told her that she was pretentious. Jerry: Pretentious!? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS. They're like the MAFIA. They can take anything they want Elaine: How would you like it if someone told YOU the truth? George: Like what? What could they say? Elaine: There are plenty of things to say. George: Like what? I'm bald? What is it specifically? Is, is there an odor I'm not aware of? Elaine: George, please. George: Give me one. Elaine: You sure? George: Yes. Elaine: What? Elaine: Forget it. You are very careful with money. George: I'm cheap? You think I'm CHEAP? How could you say that to me? I can't believe this. How could you say that to me? Elaine: You asked me to. George: You should have lied. Elaine: HUH, so should you. Jerry: OK, wait a second, wait a second, what happened to my papers? George: (ignoring Jerry) I mean I'm not really working right now. Elaine: I know. George: When I was working I spent baby. Jerry: Yeah, I know champagne, limos, cigars. WHAT happened to the papers? George: She put them in her pocketbook. I guess she took them with her. Elaine: Pocketbook or a handbag? Jerry: Is that relevant? She TOOK them. Call her office. George: Give me the phone. (dials) Yea, Hi I would like to speak to Patrice. ... what? ... oh really? ... oh, ok, thank you, ... (hangs up) Jerry: What? What? George: She never came back from lunch. Jerry: This is no good. This is no good. Call her house. George: (dials) Hi, are you OK? no, no,.. huh, (hangs up) She hung up. Jerry: Not good. George: All right. There's nothing to be worried about. She's just a little annoyed right now. Tomorrow I'll personally go over there. I'll apologize. I'll get the papers. Don't worry. Don't worry. (exits) Jerry: Not good Kramer: Yeah, it's a windshield. Jerry: I can see that. What's it for? Kramer: I found it on the road. Jerry: Yeah (to buzzer) Elaine: (from intercom) I just finished working out are you busy? Jerry: Come on up. Kramer: Can you believe somebody threw this out? You know I'm going to make a coffee table out of this and surprise Tina. Jerry: wouldn't it be invisible? I mean, what, are you going to just sense it's in front of the couch? Kramer: wow Elaine: hell-oo Kramer: hell-oo Jerry: What's with you two? Elaine: You haven't told him? Jerry: Tell me what? Elaine: Huh, go ahead, tell him. Kramer: I, I saw her naked. Elaine: He saw me naked. Kramer, ... saw me naked. Kramer: Well, you know, ... it was an accident. Elaine: Who walks into a woman's bedroom without knocking. I want to know! Kramer: I thought it was a closet. Jerry: Completely naked? Kramer: Completely naked. Elaine: Jerrryyy, How can I go on? Kramer: All right. I'll tell you what. If it's going to make you feel any better you can see me naked. Elaine: No thanks! Kramer: No, I want you to see me naked. Elaine: No, no no. Kramer: No, I want to show you. Elaine: No! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry: OK, just a second lets not lose our heads here. Kramer you know you are always welcome in my home but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned, that's another story. Elaine: What is this? Kramer: Well, it's a windshield. It's going to be your new coffee table. Elaine: Ah, I'm going to kill myself on that thiing. You can't even see it. Jerry: You'll sense it. Jerry: Well, what happened? Was she there? George: No, no she wasn't. Jerry: You didn't get my papers? George: No, I didn't. Jerry: Well, where is she? George: A mental institution. Jerry: Why is it so difficult, uncomfortable, to be naked. It's because when you have clothes on you can always kinda make those little adjustments which people like to do ... you feel like you're getting it together, yeah, yeah pretty good (pulling at lapels, pockets etc.) feeling good looking good But when you're naked it's like it's so final you're, Well that's it. (no movements) There's nothing else I can do. That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked. Cause I feel it gives me something, I know I'm naked, but you know, (tugging and lifting belt) I like to get pockets to hang off of the belt that would be, wouldn't that be the ultimate? To be naked and still be able to do this (hand in pocket) I think that would really help a lot. Jerry: A mental institution? Kramer: You know what they do in there? Did you see CooCoo's Nest? They put those electrodes in your head. George: It's not really a mental institution. It's more like a depression clinic. She went out to Woodhaven and checked herself in. I'm, I'm sick over this. Elaine: Who told you this George: Her roommate. I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution. Kramer: My friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments. But his synapses were so large, it had no effect. Jerry: You know I hate to raise a crass financial concern but was there any information as to the where abouts of my PAPERS! George: She put them in her pocket book. She probably took them out there with her. Jerry: So what now? George: I don't know. Jerry: Can we go out there? George: Where? Jerry: Woodhaven. George: We could. George: I'm very nervous about this. I've never spoken to a mental patient before. Jerry: My cousin Douglas was in a place like this one time . He came over to my house for dinner. There was no soda and he went bezerk. He was screamin' "where's the Pepsi, where's the Pepsi?" George: I should be in a place like this. I envy this woman. Ya' get to wear slippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very underrated. I like it it's good. Plus they give you those word association tests. I love those. Jerry: That'd be great. There's no wrong answer. George: Potato Jerry: Tuberculosis George: Blanket Jerry: Leroy George: Grass Jerry: Tuberculosis George: Oh, boy. Here she comes. Elaine: Oh, my god. Elaine: KRAMER! Kramer: Hey. Elaine: WILL YOU PLEASE PUT SOMETHING ON. Kramer: Listen uh, you want some leftovers? I made some African food. There's, yambalas and uh, sambusa. Tina: Kramer, are you coming back to bed? Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there baby. Tina: Oh, hi Elaine. (returns Elaine's ear rings) What did you think of the coffee table? Elaine: It's invisible. Kramer: So, is everything cool? or what? Tina: Yeah, um, you seem little bit dysfunctional. Elaine: Well, Tina: Come on Elaine. just tell us the truth. Elaine: The Truth!, You want The Truth? Patrice: Who are you? George: Oh, this is my friend Jerry. Patrice: Why are you talking like that? And what do YOU want? Jerry: Want, want? What could I possibly want? Uh, I just came because I, I heard so many nice things about you from George. Patrice: George thinks I'm pretentious. George: Pretentious? Who, who isn't pretentious? Ha, ha, if everyone who was pretentious was in a mental institution, ... uh, obviously THIS isn't a mental institution. Patrice: You're just trying to take it all back because you're feeling guilty I'm in here. George: No, that's not it at all. Patrice: Don't LIE George. George : I'M NOT A LIER! George: Uh, we're cool. Everything's cool (to security attendent) Jerry: Just chatting. Friendly. George: All righty, no reason for us to uh, raise our voices. Patrice: I know what you said. You can't change that. George: What I said? I say stupid things all the time I can't go two minutes without saying stupid things. Jerry: It's one stupid thing after another. So let me ask you, when you come to one of these places, what do you bring your pocketbook? George: You should be the one criticizing me. I, I'm lucky to even know someone like you. Patrice: You mean that? George: Of course I mean that. I am incapable of guile. Jerry: He's never guiled. You know some women keep a lot of important papers in their, uh, pocket books. Like for example oh, someone else's personal financial papers. Patrice: Papers? Oh, Jerry, You're the Jerome with the tax problem. You know after that day with George I got so cuckoo I threw out all your papers. So I'd love to help you but I'll need the copies. Jerry: there are no copies. Patrice: So are you saying you want to continue seeing me? Jerry: Who makes copies? Elaine: The truth is ... I think you make ... a very nice couple. Kramer: Oh, Tina: Kramer, Tina: Here Kramer? Kramer: No, lets go to the couch... Jerry: (on phone)Yes, I'm trying to get a copy of a receipt for a computer that I bought there... it was 1987 ... I remember I talked to a guy - he had like a maroon sport jacket - and he might have had a toupee - oh, it was a weave - ok uh, then I'll come bye ok, bye. Jerry: Anybody want to take a walk down to 48th street? I think I may have tracked down another receipt. Elaine: I can't. I have to go visit Tina in the hospital. Jerry: George? George: I'm going to a poetry reading with PATRICE First time poets, in a burnt out building, down by the docks, Supposed to be good. Kramer: Hey, Are you going to the hospital now? Elaine: Yeah, I suppose I am. Kramer: All right, great, great uh, we'll share a cab. Jerry: You're going by 48th St. You can give me a ride. George: Hey, I'm getting in on that. Elaine: You know you're chippin' in. George: You're going that way anyway! Jerry: I was audited last year. At first I thought well, IRS kinda sounds like Toys R Us maybe won't be so bad. Maybe they have a sense of fun about it, you know. But it's it's bad. It's an ordeal. And they don't do anything to keep your spirits up through the ordeal. I think they should take all your receipts and put them in one of those big Lucite sweepstake drums and just kinda crank it around there. You know give me a feeling like you might win something. You know what I mean? Then they can pull them out one by one and go "Oh, I'm sorry that's another illegal deduction. But we do have some lovely parting gifts for you. Jail!"

[Setting: Night club] Jerry: I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing suits from other centuries. My parents live in Florida, and if you go down there and you forget your bathing suits then they want you to wear one of theirs. You know how that gets? "You need trunks son? I've got trunks for you. You can wear my trunks." Fathers don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks. It's kind of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming. So I get in the water with in thing and it's like floating around me somewhere. Did you ever put on a bathing suit that you don't even know exactly where you are inside the bathing suit? You bump into somebody you know "No I'm parasailing, I'm waiting for the boat to come back." [Setting: Florida, evening, condo of Jerry's parents] Helen: (looking by the window) They were supposed to be here at 730. Call the airlines again. Morty: (searching in a kitchen drawer) What happened to the scotch tape? Who takes the scotch tape? Nobody returns anything around here. Helen: Oh I think that's them! Morty: You what I'll do next time? I'll hide it so nobody can find it. All: Hi, welcome, greetings, hugs, etc. Morty: Welcome to Florida! Elaine: Hi Mr. Seinfeld! (hug) Jerry: Hey, there's the old man! (hug) Morty: So, what took you so long? Jerry: Ahh, we waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place. Helen: I don't know why you had to rent a car. We would have picked you up. Jerry: What's the difference? Helen: You could have used our car. Jerry: I don't wanna use your car. Helen: What's wrong with our car? Jerry: Nothing. It's a fine car. What if you wanna use it? Helen: We don't use it. Morty: What are you talking? We use it. Helen: If you were using it, we wouldn't use it. Jerry: So what would you do? You'd hitch? Helen: How much is a rent-a-car? Jerry: I don't know. 25 bucks a day. Helen: What? You're crazy. Morty: Plus the insurance. Jerry: Oh, I didn't get the insurance. Morty: How could you not get the insurance? Helen: We'll pay for the car. Jerry: You're not paying for it. Helen: Morty. (asking him to back her. He doesn't) Jerry: God it's so hot in here. Why don't you put on the air conditioning? Helen: You don't need the air conditioner. So, you have your speech all ready? Jerry: It's not a speech. Do I have to make a speech? Helen: Of course, they're giving a testimonial for your father. You could do your comic routines. Jerry: (ironically) Oh yeah, that will go over real well with that crowd. Elaine: (looking by the window) Ooh, you have a lake? Jerry: The lake isn't real. Helen: The lake is real. Morty: Are you kidding? They built the lake. Helen: But it's real. It's water. Helen: Where are you going with those? Jerry: I'm gonna put Elaine's stuff in here. Helen: Don't sleep in there. You can you use the bedroom. Elaine: I can't take your bedroom. Helen: I'm up at 6 o'clock in the morning. Elaine: I can't kick you out of your bed. Helen: We don't even sleep. Jerry: Ma. Helen: But this is sofa bed, you'll be uncomfortable. Jerry: (to Morty) What about you? Morty: Why should I be comfortable? Jerry: (to Helen) What about him? Helen: Don't worry, he's comfortable. Morty: I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine. Helen: Will you stop? Elaine: Yeah, I'll just stay in here. (goes in the guest room) Helen: Jerry, (asking Jerry to go in the kitchen so Elaine won't hear) Jerry. You don't have to stay on the couch on my account. The two of you could stay in there together. Jerry: Na, that's not such a good idea. Helen: Well I tought that... Jerry: Not now. She's right inside. Helen: (quieter) What happened? Jerry: I don't know. We decided we don't really work as a couple. Helen: What does that mean? Jerry: Well... Morty: (comes to the kitchen and with a loud voice) Why are you whispering? Jerry: Shh! Nothing, nothing. Helen: Elaine... Morty: (still loud) What about her? Jerry: (tries to explain to Morty but Elaine then comes out of the guest room to get more luggage, so he fakes a conversation) ...but you know, look at the sun-dried tomatoes. Where were they five years ago? It just goes to show you. You never know what... huh (waiting for Elaine to go back in the guest room) you know... huh... What could happen to a vegetable. It could just take right off at any time. (Morty finally gets it. So Jerry goes on quieter) We've tried all kind of arrangements, but we can't seem to be friends when we sleep together. Morty: (Morty goes on louder! Did he ever whisper in any episode? -) Why do you need more friends? You've got plenty of friends. Helen: He's an idealist. Morty: What the hell are you looking for? Jerry: I'm looking. That's the point. I like looking. Helen: He likes looking. Morty: So look. Helen: But how long can you look? Jerry: I'm going for the record. Helen: You know your father wouldn't say so but he's really glad you came. Jerry: Oh, come on. Helen: This is a big thing for him. Outgoing president of the condo association. (Knock On Door: this is Jack and Doris, neigboors) Morty: Aha! Doris: So they arrived safely. Morty: (to Jerry) You remember Jack and Doris? Jerry: Nice to see you. This is Elaine. Elaine: Hi. Nice to meet you. Jack: So Jerry, you came all the way down here for this? Elaine: And scuba diving. Helen: Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving? Jerry: We're going scuba diving. We'll be back in time. Helen: What do you have to go scuba diving for? Jerry: For fun. Helen: For fun? Morty: Jack have some spong cake. Jack: No. thanks, no. Morty: Jack is emceeing tomorrow. He's in charge of the whole thing. Jack: So Jerry, your mother told me you're gonna do one your little comedy skits tomorrow? Jerry: I don't think so. Jack: No? Listen Morty you wanna settle up for last night? (Morty nods) All right. I owe you 19.45$ (he gets his checks book and a pen from his pocket). Morty: What did you have? You had the minute steak? Jack: Yeah. Morty: Did you have a coke or what? Jack: I did NOT have a coke. Morty: Somebody had a coke. Helen: Oh I had a coke. Doris: And I had the scampi. Jack: So that's 17.10$ and the tax and the tip. Morty: All right. Make it 20 bucks. Jack: It's 19.45$, Morty. (he gives him the check) Morty: 19.45$ ? Jack: See? You know your father. He can't get a write to the penny, but that's why he was such a good president. Jerry: What kind of pen is that? Jack: This pen? Jerry: Yeah. Jack: This is an astronaut pen. It writes upside down. They use this in space. Jerry: Wow! That's the astronaut pen. I heard about that. Where did you get it? Jack: Oh it was a gift. Jerry: Cause sometimes I write in bed and I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen work. Jack: Take the pen. Jerry: Oh no. Jack: Go ahead. Jerry: I couldn't Jack: Come on, take the pen! Jerry: I can't take it. Jack: Do me a personal favor! Jerry: No, I'm not... Jack: Take the pen! Jerry: I cannot take it! Jack: Take the pen! Jerry: Are you sure? Jack: Positive! Take the pen! Jerry: O.K. Thank you very much. Thank you. Gee, boy! Helen: Jack, what are you doing? Jack: Stop it! Doris: Jack, we should go. (they go to the door) It was nice meeting you. Elaine: Mmm, nice to meet you. Jerry: Thanks again. Jack: Come on! Doris: (to Morty) She's adorable. (they leave) Helen: (as soon as the door's closed) What did you take his pen for? Jerry: What he gave it to me. Helen: You didn't have to take it. Morty: Oh my God! She's gotta make a big deal out of everything. Jerry: He offered it to me. Helen: Because you made such a big fuss about it. Jerry: I liked it. Should I have said I didn't like it? Helen: You shouldn't have said anything. What did you expect him to do? (the camera shows Elaine shaking her head at their dispute) Jerry: He could have said "Thank you, I like it too" and put it back in his pocket. Helen: He loves that pen. Morty: Oh come on! Helen: He talks about it all the time. Every time he takes it out he goes on and on about how it writes upside down, how the astronauts use it. Jerry: If he likes it so much, he never should have offered it. Helen: He didn't think you'd accpet. Jerry: Well, he was wrong. Helen: I know his wife. She has some mouth on her. She'll tell everyone in the condo now that you made him give you the pen. They're talking about it right now. (again we see Elaine smiling at their argument) Jerry: So you want me to return it? Helen: Yes. Morty: He's not gonna return the pen. That's ridiculous. Jerry: Hey I don't even want the pen now! Morty: Jack can afford to give away a pen with all his money. Believe me. He gives me a check for 19.45. He didn't have a Coke. Ho, ho, ho! Elaine: Here, let me see it. (She takes a pad to try the pen) Hey, it writes upside down. [Setting: condo's guest room] Elaine: Come in. Jerry: Are you O.K. in here? Elaine: Why is it so hot in here? How can they sleep like this? Jerry: It's only for three days. Today's over and we have tommorow. We leave on Sunday. It's one day, really. Elaine: Oh man. What is with this bar? It's right in my back. It's killing me. Jerry: Oh you wanna switch? I'm sleeping on a love seat. I've got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule. Elaine: I am never gonna fall asleep. Jerry: Oh, no don't say that. You'll jinx me. Elaine: How can they not put the air conditioning on? Jerry: They're nuts with temperature. Elaine: This bar is right in my back! It's making a dent. Jerry: How about that guy writing a check for 19.45? Elaine: I'm sweating here. I'm in bed, sweating. Jerry: It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you substract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers) [Setting: condo, morning] Morty: Stay on 95 South to Biscayne Boulevard. Then you make a left turn. Put you blinker on immediatly, there's an abutment there. Then you're gonna merge over very quickly, but stay on Biscayne. Don't get off Biscayne. You understand me? Jerry: Stay on Biscayne. Helen: You're going underwater? Jerry: Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done. Helen: What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's so special? Jerry: What's so special up here? Elaine: Oh! Helen: What's the matter? Elaine: My back. Helen: What happened? Elaine: That... That bed. The bar was right in my back. Helen: (to Jerry) I told you to let us sleep in there. Jerry: Then YOU would be hunched over. Elaine: I don't even know if I can go scuba diving. Jerry: You can't go? Helen: So stay home. Elaine: You can go. Jerry: Without you? That's the whole reason you came down here. Helen: Don't go. Jerry: You sure? Morty: Maybe you should see a doctor. Jerry: We'll stay in a hotel tonight. Elaine: (whispering to Jerry) Yes! Helen: No, we'll stay in there. Jerry: Why don't you get a new sofa? Morty: Nobody uses it. Jerry: I'm buying you a new sofa. Helen: Oh Jerry, don't talk crazy. Elaine: Mrs Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner on. Helen: You're hot? Elaine: I've lost 6 pounds. Helen: I don't even know how to work it. Morty: I keep telling her it's like an oven in here. Evelyn: Is everybody up? Jerry: Hi. How are you? Evelyn: Hello Jerry. Jerry: Evelyn, this is Elaine. Elaine: (with pain) Hi Evelyn. Evelyn: Jerry you got thin. Jerry: Too thin? Helen: Oh stop worrying so much about how you look. Evelyn: So where's the new pen? (everybody's surprised by this question) Jerry: (Jerry scratches his head and acts like he's not sure what she's talking about) What? Evelyn: The pen. The one Jack Klompus gave you. Helen: How did you know that? Evelyn: Blanche told me. Helen: Blanche? Evelyn: That's some good pen. It writes upside down. Elaine: The astronauts use them. Helen: What did Blanche say? Evelyn: I don't know. She said Jerry wanted the pen. Jerry: I never really wanted the pen. Morty: He gave him the pen. Helen: Morty. Evelyn: Why you don't like the pen? Jerry: No, no, I... Evelyn: Cause if you don't like it, give it back to him. Helen: Is that what she said? Evelyn: Who? Helen: Blanche. Evelyn: What are you talking about? Helen: Hello? Oh hello Gussy. What? Jerry wouldn't do that. Jack gave it to him. All he said was he liked it. I mean nobody put a gun to his head. (to Jerry) You're giving him back that pen. (She continues the discussion with Gussy but we don't hear it.) Elaine: Somebody please- THE AIR CONDITIONER! Morty: (Morty gets up) Oh! I forgot all about it. Jerry: All I said was "I like the pen". Morty: How the hell do you work this thing? [Setting: still the condo, later] Helen: Maybe you shouldn't go tonight. Elaine: No no, I wanna go. Helen: But your back hurts. Morty: Maybe a couple of muscle relaxers would help. Elaine: Oh, oh, O.K. (Helen holds her sweater tight against herself) You can turn down the air conditioning if you want. Helen: No. I'm fine. Elaine: You're not too cold? Helen: No. Jerry: Don't be alarmed. Morty: Oh my God! What the hell happened to you? Jerry: I'm O.K. My capillaries burst. Helen: Your capillaries? Do you know what you look like? Jerry: (to Elaine on the floor) How are you doing? Elaine: Having a good time! Jerry: Is it my imagination or is it freezing in here? Helen: What happened to your eyes? Jerry: Well I started to go under... Helen: With the instructor? Jerry: Yeah, and I got about ten feet down and I felt this tremendous pressure on my mask. Like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets. Helen: I told you... Jack: Excuse me. (to Helen) Doris would like to borrow red your pocketbook to go with her shoes. (to Elaine on the floor) The shoes have to match the pocketbook. (to the others) What's she doing? Yoga? Elaine: My back hurts. Jack: Morty you gotta hurry up. Get ready. Morty: We got plenty of time. Jack: (to Jerry) What happened to you? Jerry: I got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool. Helen: It's from scuba diving. Jack: What's there to see underwater? (Helen Turns To Jerry And Makes A Face Like: give him back the pen) Jerry: Listen M. Klompus, it was really a nice gesture of you to give me the pen, but I don't really need it. Jack: You what? Jerry: I mean it's a terrific pen, but I think you should keep it. (he hands the pen to Jack) Jack: Well I mean... Jerry: Take it. Jack: All right! (he smiles and take it) Morty: You know Jack, you've got a hell of a nerve taking that kid's pen. Jack: Whose pen? Morty: His pen. Jack: This happens to be my pen. Morty: You didn't give it to him. Jack: What are you talking about? He pratically begged me for it. Morty: Where do you come off with this crap? Jack: Listen, do you think I take everything everybody offers me? You offered me sponge cake yesterday. Did I take it? Morty: You said you didn't want it! Jack: Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake! Morty: Then who the hell said you couldn't have any? I mean what the hell do I care whether you have sponge cake? Jack: Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the scotch tape! Morty: Ahh! Ahh! So YOU got the scotch tape! I've been looking all over for it! Jack: Don't worry about it! I'll give it back! Morty: I don't want it! Jack: I don't want it! Morty: You know Jack, do me a favor will you? Take the pen and the scotch tape, and get the hell out of here! Jack: Listen do you think I give a damn? Morty: Aah! (Jack leaves) The nerve of that guy! Taking back that pen. Well that's it for them. Jerry: What is going on in this community! Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humudity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes? Helen: I have no use for either one of them. I don't even want them there tonight. (she still has the pocketbook in her hands) Jerry: Isn't he supposed to be the emcee? Morty: yeah, he's supposed to be the emcee. Jerry: Well. This should be a very interesting evening. Elaine: (still on the floor) Uh... What about those muscle relaxers? [Setting: reception room, evening] Photographer: Say astronaut. Elaine: Say what? (laughing) Say what? Jerry: (Jerry brings her back) You took too many of those pills. Morty: Astronaut? Helen: Say it. Jerry, Morty And Helen: Astronaut! Elaine: (still laughing, she says it just as the picture is taking) Astro...naut! Morty: Good. O.K. (the photographer walks away) What about last year when I took him to the hospital every day? Did he ever say thank you? Jerry: Oh God. (foreseeing an arm's grabbing as he sees Uncle Leo entering with his wife Stella) Jerry: (to Leo) Uncle Leo. Leo: Hello! Stella: Morty are you nervous? Morty: What nervous? Leo: (to Jerry while he's grabbing his arm as usual) What's with the sunglasses? Who are you? Van Johnson? Jerry: I've got a black eye. Stella: (to Elaine in a childish voice) Hello. Jerry: Oh uh, Elaine, this is my aunt Stella. Helen: (shouting as she imitates Marlon Brando) STELLA! STELLA! Jerry: (to Stella) Her back hurts. Stella: Humm... We saw you on "The Tonight Show" last week. Leo: I thought Johnny was very rude to you. He didn't even let you talk. Jerry: No, no. Leo: You need some new material. I've heard you do that dog routine three times already. Elaine: (still with her imitation, shouting even louder) STELLA! STELLA! Leo: Listen, you should get your cousin Jeffrey to write some material for you. Morty: What are you talking? Jeffrey works for the parks department! Leo: You should read the letters he's written. He's funnier than the whole bunch of you! (Jack enters with Doris) Oh, here's Jack. We should sit down. Stella: (to Helen on a sarcastic tone of voice) This better be good. I'm missing "Golden Girls" for this. Helen: (laughing hypocritically till Stella walks away) I hate her like poison. (A Few Minutes Later, The Ceremony Is About To Begin. Someone In The Crowd Yells: "Hey Jack let's get started!" Everyone applause and we see, from left to right, all sitting on the same side of a long table, facing the public Stella, Leo, Elaine, Jerry, Helen, Morty, Jack at the microphone, Doris, and four other people.) Jack: (on the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, every year, Phase Two of the Pines of Mark Gables honors the previous year president. And this year we are honoring Morty Seinfeld (the crowd applause and someone yells Morty!) A man who slept more hours on the job than Ronald Reagan. Morty: (to Helen) Slept on the job? (she shushed him) Jack: Being president of the condo is not easy. It requires hard work, dedication, and commitment, and unfortunately he possesses none of these qualities. (everyone laugh except Jerry, Helen, and Morty. Even Elaine who's still druggy) Helen: (Morty complains again to Helen) He's joking. Jack: His administration did excel in one department the hiring of incompetents. Morty: (to Jack, loud) That's what you say. Jack: But we do owe him a debt of gratitude because by not fixing the crack in the sidewalk, he put Mrs Ziven out of commission for a few weeks. (Morty is now the only one not laughing) Morty: (loud) Tell them when you took my son's pen back. Tell them about that! (he gets up) Jerry: Dad! Morty: (to the crowd) He gave my son a pen, and then he takes it back. Tell them about that! Jack: He gave it to me! Morty: Come on. That's enough, sit down! Jack: I'm not sitting down! Jack: Ow! You broke my dental plate! (Jack is touching his dental plate while Morty reaches in Jack's pocket to get the pen) Doris! He broke my dental plate. You son-of-a-bitch! I'm gonna sue you. (he leaves the table and Morty follows him and continue arguing with him. Jerry now have the microphone in his hands and the crowd begins to think the ceremony is over.) Helen: Jerry, do your act. Jerry: (in the microphone, but to Helen) I can't. Nobody's even listening. Helen: They're all gonna leave. Jerry: (to himself) Oh God! (in the microphone) huh... Hey! How you folks doing tonight? (everybody in the crowd is talking over Jerry) Man In The Crowd: Who are you? Jerry: (still with his sunglasses) Have you ever noticed how they always give you the peanuts on the planes? Woman In The Crowd: (to heckle Jerry) Not my Harry. He flies first class. Jerry: Who ever thought the first thing somebody wants on a plane is a peanut? Man In The Crowd: I'd rather have a bottle of scotch! Helen: (to Jerry) Do the dog routine. Jerry: All I said was I liked the pen! Elaine: (wakes up and yells very loud) STELLA! [Setting: condo, morning] Chiropractor: You could aggravate it. I wouldn't go anywhere for at least five days. Elaine: Five days? You want me to stay here for five more days? Jerry: There must be some mistake. Chiropractor: I'm afraid not. Elaine: (discouraged) Five days. Here. Helen: (to Jerry, happily) So we have you for five more days! Jerry: (to Elaine) Well there's really no point in me staying. I mean you just gonna be... Elaine: Excuse me? Jerry: Nothing. Evelyn: Good morning. Jerry: Hi Evelyn. Evelyn: (to Helen) Has Morty decided on a lawyer yet? Helen: I don't think so. Evelyn: Because my nephew Larry could do it. He's a brilliant lawyer. He says Jack has no case. Helen: Well I'll ask him when he gets up. Evelyn: Oh, and I spoke to Arnold. And he says that according to the bylaws of the condo constitution, they need six votes to throw you out for unruly behavior. Not five. Doctor Chernov is the one you'll have to suck up to. Morty: Aw! Aw! Oh my back! Oh my back! It's that bar. Who the hell could sleep on that thing? Helen: I was very comfortable. Evelyn: Morty, Arnold says they need six votes to throw you out. Helen: It's in the constitution. Morty: (to the chiro) Who are you? Chiropractor: I'm a chiropractor. Morty: What are you kidding me? Elaine: (to Jerry) Five more days? Jerry: Well today's almost over. And weekdays always go by fast. Friday we're leaving. It's like two days really. It's like a cup of coffee. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers) [Setting: night club, closing monologue] Jerry: Is Florida not hot and muggy enough for these people? They love heat. I mean if they ever decide to land men on the sun, I think these old retired guys would be the only ones that will be able to handle it. They'll just sit there on the sun, on the redwood benches, washcloth on the head going "Close the door, you're letting all the heat off the sun. I'm trying to get a sweat going."

Jerry: So I'm on the plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to be making up some time in the air. I thought, well isn't that interesting. We'll just make up time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now, my question is if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? C'mon, there's no cops up here, nail it. Give it some gas! We're flying! Gavin: Travelling, of course, is the best education. Do you know last year I was in over forty, forty-five countries, and I would have gone to more but I had just got a puppy, and he was too young to take with me. But now I won't travel without him. Jerry: Is he on the plane now? Gavin: Oh yes. Yes, he's in the, he's in the baggage compartment. I don't know why they won't let him sit up here with me. He's a lot better behaved than most of the dregs you find onboard here. Do you, do you have any pets? Jerry: Uh, just my next door neighbor. Gavin: You're missing out on a relationship that could enrich your life in ways that you never could have thought possible. Jerry: Howbout picking up their, you know. You find that enriching? Jerry: What's the matter? Gavin: Oh, I'm feeling a bit queasy. Attendant #1: Sir, we're gonna make an emergency landing in Chicago and get you to a hospital. Gavin: My dog. What about my dog? Attendant #1: Uh, you have a dog? Attendant #2: Do you know anyone on the plane, Mr. Palone? Gavin: Jerry? Jerry: Huh? How you feeling? Gavin: Would you take care of Farfel? Jerry: Farfel? Attendant #2: It's his dog. We're landing in Chicago to get him to a hospital, could you take his dog to New York? Jerry: The dog? The dog?? Gavin: I'm sure it's only for a day or two. Jerry: But, you know, what if, you know? Gavin: Give me your address and phone number, I'll call you. Jerry: The dog? Jerry: Let go, Farfel! Let go, gimme that! Gimme the sneaker you stupid idiot! Shut up! (to Elaine) So what would you do? Elaine: Well it's only been three days, I'm sure he's gonna call. Jerry (To Farfel): STOP IT! SHUT UUUUUUP!!! (to Elaine) Do you believe this? Do you believe what I'm dealing with here, I've got a wild animal in the house! He's deranged, maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw. Elaine: If only. Jerry: Look at this place. He's going everywhere, I can't go out of the house at night. I haven't performed in three days. This'll be my first night out of the house since I got back. Elaine: Hey, when you walk him, do ya... Jerry: Do I what? Elaine: Do you pick it up? Jerry: Yes, I pick it up. Elaine: You pick it up?!? Jerry: Well you have to. Elaine: Oh, boy would I love to see that. Jerry: SHUT UP!! Shut up Farfel, stop it! (to Elaine) I don't know what to do. I mean what if I take it to the pound then the guy shows up? Elaine: Maybe you should call the airline, they might know where he is. Jerry: No, I tried. they don't know anything. (notices Elaine making egg creams) You gotta put the syrup in first. Elaine: No, milk. Jerry: I'm telling you the guy's a drunk, he's probably on a bender. Elaine: What is a bender anyhow? Jerry: I don't know, they drink and they bend things at the bar. Elaine: I can't believe he hasn't called. Jerry: Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo. Shut up! One more day and you are pound bound! Kramer: Sorry, I can't watch the dog tonight. Jerry: Why? Elaine: We're going to the movies, we're gonna see Prognosis Negative. Kramer: I can't, I gotta get this Ellen out of my life. Jerry: You're breaking up? Kramer: Oh ho ho ho yeah, the sooner the better. I can't wait to do it. You know how there's some people you worry about whether you're going to hurt their feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to get it on video, watch it in slow motion and freeze frame it. Oh ho, yeah. Elaine: Kramer, I don't know how you lasted as long as you did. Kramer: Woah, you didn't like her? Elaine: If you could see her personality it would be like one of the Elephant Man exhibits, you know where they pull off the sheet and everyone gasps. Jerry: I can't believe someone hasn't killed her yet. Kramer: How come you never said anything? Jerry: Well you can't tell someone how you feel about their girlfriend until after they stop seeing them. Kramer: I tell you. Jerry: You. I'm talking about people. Elaine: Are we still going to the movies tonight? Jerry: No, I can't I gotta watch Farfel, you and George can go without me. Elaine: Just me and George? Jerry: Sure. Elaine: But we need you. Jerry: What do you need me for? Elaine: Because... Yeah? George: Prognosis Negative! (in a funny voice) Elaine: Because I relate to George through you, we're like friends-in-law. Besides, you said we were gonna see Prognosis Negative together. Can't you just put some newspapers down or something? Jerry: No, I can't trust him, he gets insane. I won't enjoy myself. That's right, Farfel, I'm talking about you! Elaine: Just me and George alone? George: Let's go, people, let's go! It's Prognosis Negative time, wa ha ha ha!!! Jerry: I can't go. George: Can't go, Why not? Jerry: Because I have to watch idiot Farfel. George: I thought Kramer was watching. Jerry: He's breaking up with his girlfriend tonight. George: Well so what's the problem, you just put some newspaper down. Jerry: No, I don't want that smell in the house. George: You spritz a little Lysol on it. Jerry: No, it's like BO and cologne, they combine forces into some kind of strange mutant funk. George: So we're not going? Jerry: Nah. You two go. George: Oh. You still wanna go? Elaine: Do, do you? George: If you want. Elaine: It,s, it's up to you. Jerry: Go ahead. Elaine: Well, it's, I really wanted to see Prognosis Negative with Jerry, uh, you wanna see Ponce de Leon? George: Ponce de Leon? Okay. (to Jerry) You sure you don't wanna go? Jerry: I want to but I can't. Elaine: Oh! I tell you what. How about if I come back here first and I clean everything up and I open up the windows and if you're still not satisfied we can switch apartments for the night. Jerry: No. George: What about this- Jerry: Forget it. Go ahead, you'll have a good time. Elaine: I know, it's not that. George: It's just we want you to go. Jerry: Well, thank you very much. I'm telling you, one more day stinkbreath! Jerry: On my block, a lot of ah, people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge? George: So how long did you live there? Elaine: About three years. George: That's pretty long. Elaine: Hmm. George: It's not that long, really. Elaine: Yeah. George: And then you came here. Elaine: Yeah. So I've been here about six years. George (Counting On His Fingers): Eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one... Yup. Jerry: Bad dog! Bad dog! You go outside! Outside!! What do you want from me? Tell me! Money, you want money? I'll give you money, how much?! Kramer: I must have been out of my mind. Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? Wouldn't respect myself. George: I like herbal tea. George: Chamomile's good. Lemon Lift. Almond Pleasure. Elaine: Jerry likes Morning Thunder. George: Jerry drinks Morning Thunder? Elaine: Yeah. George: Morning Thunder has caffeine in it, Jerry doesn't drink caffeine. Elaine: Jerry doesn't know Morning Thunder has caffeine in it. George: You don't tell him? Elaine (Laughing): No. And you should see him, man, he gets all hyper, he doesn't even know why, he loves it! He walks around, going, "God, I feel great!" George (Laughing): You don't tell him? Elaine: No. George: That is so funny! Elaine: I know! George: Wait, have you ever seen him throw up?! Kramer: Please! Please!! I take it all back, everything! I take it all back, every word! I love you! I love *you*! I can't live without you, I,ll, I'll do anything! Jerry: That's right, Gavin Palone. What? Are you sure? He was released on Monday? *Last* Monday? Did he leave a phone number or address? Unbelievable. Well thank you, thanks, thanks very much. (Hangs up) That's it, Farfel! Party's over! Start packing up your little squeeze toys buddy boy, you're checking out! Elaine: It was weird because George and I get along so great in so many situations but this is the first time we ever really went one-on-one. Jerry: Oh, one-on-one's a whole different game. Can't pass off. Elaine: The only time it wasn't uncomfortable was when we were making fun of you. Jerry: Going to the dog pound, everybody! Going to the dog pound, come on down. (To Elaine) What? Elaine: Do you have to? Jerry: What am I supposed to do? I don't want to do it. I like dogs. I'm not sure this is a dog. Elaine: You know, the guy might have just lost your number. Jerry: I'm in the book and I have a machine. Elaine: Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound? They keep them there for a week and then if nobody claims them, they kill them. Jerry: Really? How late are they open? Jerry: What? Elaine: What is it? Kramer: I went back with Ellen. Jerry And Elaine: Ohhhhh, that's great. Elaine: Terrific. Jerry: Yeah, I really think you guys are good together. Elaine: Yes, she understands you and she is not demanding. Kramer: Do you think that I forgot what you two said about her? Jerry: Well I was just trying to be supportive, you know. I knew you were upset. Kramer: From now on when we pass each other in the hall, I don't know you, you don't know me. Elaine: Oh, Kramer, we didn't mean it. Jerry: What are you doing? Kramer: I'm getting my pot. Elaine: Kramer, we like her. Jerry: Kramer? What did we say that's so bad? Elaine: I believe I referred to her personality as a potential science exhibit. Jerry: I said, "How come no one's killed her?" Probably shouldn't have said anything, Jerry: Well. Elaine: Well. Jerry: everyone knows the first break-up never takes. (answers buzzer) Yeah? George: Prognosis Negative! (again in a funny voice) Jerry: Okay, Farfel, put your shoes on. Elaine: Jerry, can't you just give it one more day, it's not his fault. Jerry: It's not my dog, I don't know where this boozehound is. Elaine: Alright, I tell you what. How about if you and George go to the movies, and I stay here and watch the dog tonight. Jerry: I can't let you do that, what about Prognosis Negative? Elaine: We'll see it Sunday. George: Tonight's the night, right? Prognosis Negative? Elaine: I'm not going, I'm gonna watch the dog. George: What does this mean? Jerry: Well, we'll go see something else tonight. We'll see, uh, Ponce De Leon. George: What is with this dog, I thought we were taking it to the pound. Jerry: She talked me into one more day. Talk amongst yourselves, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. George: Uh Jerry, how long will you be in there? Jerry: I don't know, regular human time? George: Uh why don't you wait then go in the movies? Jerry: Why shouldn't I go here? Elaine: Well, you know, I mean, sometimes it's good to get there and make sure you get your seats and then go to the bathroom. George: And isn't it more fun using the urinal? Elaine: Yeah. Jerry: Oh yeah, urinals are fun. Can I go?! George: Hey, go. Elaine: Who's stopping you? George: What, are you doing me a favor? Elaine: Like we care if you go to the bathroom. George: How's it going? Elaine: Good. Good. You? George: Things are good. Elaine: Boy, he takes such a long time. George: I know. Elaine: You know what he does in there? He gargles. George: Jerry gargles? Is that why he takes so long? Elaine: Yeah, he does it like six times a day. George: How come we never hear him? Elaine: Because he does it quiet. He does it quiet. Lookit, Just like this, watch. George: Wait, wait, did you ever see him throw up?! Elaine: We talked about that already. George: Oh. George: I have nothing to say to anybody. I'm so uninteresting. I think I'm out of conversation. Jerry: So what are calling me six times a day? George: All I know about is sports. That's it. No matter how depressed I get, I could always read the sports section. Jerry: I could read the sports section if my hair was on fire. George: Know what? Ponce De Leon is sold out. Jerry: It is? Oh yeah, you're right. What else is playing? George: Nothing except Prognosis Negative. Jerry: Boy, I know she really wants to see that with me. Elaine: Gimme the jacket, furface, this is not Seinfeld you're dealing with! When I get through with you, you'll be begging to go to the pound! Elaine: Shut up. Shut up! (Answers phone) Hello? No, who's calling? Oh my god, the dog guy. Where have *you* been? Yeah, well you better pick up your dog tonight or he has humped his last leg. George: I mean, I could understand if there was something else playing, but it's this or nothing. Jerry: I don't know what to do. George: What is this 'saving movies' thing? Something's playing, you go. Jerry: I know, I know. George: So, what? We're gonna do nothing now, this is crazy. Jerry: It is kind of silly. George: Of course it is. Jerry: I mean, it's just a movie, for god's sake. George: Exactly. Jerry: It's not like she's *in* the movie. George: Right. Jerry: Am I supposed to ruin the whole night because she wants to see it? I mean, if I could have seen it with her, fine. But I can't control all these circumstances and schedules and peoples' availabilities at movies. George: And she'll still see it, you're not stopping her from seeing it. Jerry: How does sitting next to a person in a movie theater increase the level of enjoyment? You can't talk during a movie. You know, this is stupid, c'mon, let's just go. George: Good. Jerry: Saving movies. George: Ridiculous! Jerry: Two for Prognosis Negative. I'm in big trouble. George: Oh, you're dead. Gavin: Bell's Palsy. The entire side of my, of, of my face was paralyzed. Farfel! I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't even feed myself, I was completely incapacitated. Quiet Farfel! Jerry: You know it's interesting, because I called the hospital and they said you were released on Monday. Gavin: Yes, yes, that's true, but then I was taken to the Bell's Palsy Center in, in, in, in Rockford. Absolutely first, first rate facility, top notch physicians. Kramer: Hey, c'mon, c'mon, get off me! Gavin: He won't hurt you, he's just playing. Kramer: Hey you keep that mutt away from me. Gavin: Mutt? I'll wager his parents are more pure than yours. Ellen: Kramer, are you coming? Jerry: Oh, hi Ellen. Ellen: Get in here. Jerry: Listen, it's really been a pleasure taking care of your dog for a week, but if you don't mind... Gavin: Pre-prediction. You'll be calling me to ask if you can come and visit him before the month is out. Jerry: Prediction. I never see you or him again for the rest of my life. Elaine: We made plans. Jerry: Why don't we just rent a movie? Elaine: I thought you wanted to see Prognosis Negative. Jerry: No, it&Mac226;s, it's supposed to be really bad, *really* bad. I mean it's long, there's no story, it's so unbelievably boring, I heard. i... Elaine: Jerry, you promised me we'd go. Jerry: Well, George told me the whole story, line for line, I mean I almost feel like I've seen it already and walked out on it. Elaine: Wait, George saw the movie? I saw him yesterday, he didn't mention it. Jerry: You and George got together? Elaine: Yeah, I wanted to talk about how we have nothing to talk about. Jerry: Hello. Kramer: Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Jerry: What's up? Kramer: Well, ah you were right. Jerry: About what? Kramer: Ellen. We, uh, broke up again. Jerry And Elaine, Together: Awwwwww. Jerry: Too bad. Elaine: I thought she was the one. Kramer: I'll bring back the pot. Elaine: Okay, c'mon it's movie time. Kramer: Hey, what are you gonna see? Jerry: Prognosis Negative. Kramer: Hey, that's supposed to be great. Jerry: It's not. Kramer: How do you know? Jerry: I have an instinct for these things. Jerry: I had a parakeet when I was a kid, that was the only pet that I really enjoyed. We used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around and my mother had built, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored. She felt this gives you a feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior design principle that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of a jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole nother room in there. There's a guy in there looks just like me." But the parakeet will fall for this, you'll let him out of his cage, he flies around the room, BANG! With his little head, he would just go 'click' Ohh! And I'd always think, even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?

Jerry: Does it seem to you that the ventriloquist dummy has a very active sexual social life? he's always talking about dates and women that he knows and bringing them back to the suitcase at night, there's always a sawdust joke in there somewhere you know, kinky things cuz he's made out of wood an' he can spin his head around, we're somehow expected to believe because the face is soo animated that they think we aren't noticing that the feet are just swinging there, dummy feet never look right do they? they're just kinda dangling there, always kinda askew you know? you always see just little ankle, those thin fabric ankles that they have you know. Ya think 'I don't think this thing is real.' Jerry: Let me speak with the head librarian. ... Because it's absurd. An overdue book from 1971? ... This is a joke right? What are you? From a radio station? Kramer: enters Jerry: Ya' got me I fell for it. Alright, OK I can be down there in like a half hour. Bye. Kramer: What's the problem? Jerry: This you're not goin' to believe. The NYPL says that I took out Tropic of Cancer in 1971 and never returned it. Kramer: Do you know how much that comes to? That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's going to be $50,000 Jerry: It doesn't work like that. Kramer: If it's a dime a day it could be $100,000 Jerry: It's not going to be anything. I returned the book. I remember it very vividly because I was with Sherry Becker. She wore this orange dress. It was the first time I ever saw her in a dress like that. In oticed since ninth grade she was developing this body in secret under these loose clothes for like two years. And then one day ... Jerry: That orange dress is burned in my memory Kramer: Oh, memory burn. Jerry: I wonder what ever happened to her. Kramer: How did they ever find you? Jerry: Oh, computers, they're cracking down now on overdue books. The whole thing is completely ridiculous. Jerry: It's George. Wait 'til he hears we're going to the library Kramer: You know I never got a library card. Jerry: (to speaker) Coming down. Kramer: It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks Trying to save a quarter, ooh, Jerry: I gotta go to the library. You want to go? Kramer: Yeah, Kramer: The Dewey Decimal System, what a scam that was. Boy that Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal. Jerry: Where's George Reader: Shhh. Kramer: Tryin' to save a quarter. Jerry: I kinda like those sticks. I'd like to get them in my house. Jerry: This woman's completely ignoring me. Kramer: Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship.. ... Spinster. ... Maybe a virgin. ... Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was a boy It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer. Jerry: Eventually a little shot of penicillin Librarian: Yes? Jerry: Yeah I called before. I got his notice in the mail. Librarian: Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, Uh, this case has been turned over to our library investigation officer Mr. Bookman. Kramer: Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually, Bookman? Librarian: It's true. Kramer: That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named, Cone. Librarian: Lt. Bookman has been working here for 25 years so I think he's heard all the jokes. Jerry: Can I speak with this Bookman? Librarian: Just a second. George: Jerry, Jerry Jerry: What? George: I think I saw him. I think it's him. Jerry: Who? George: Did you see the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obsenities and doing some calesthetics routine Jerry: Yeah. Kramer: yeah George: I think that's Mr. Hayman. ...The gym teacher from our High School. Reader: Shhh. Jerry: (whispers) Haymen, Are you sure? George: He's older, completely covered in filth, no whistle, but I think it's him. Jerry: George got him fired. He squealed on him. Kramer: Ooh tattle tale George: (yells) I didn't tattle Reader: Shh Shh Kramer: What did this guy do? What happened? George: There was an incident. I'd rather not discuss it. Kramer: Oh come on, You can tell me. George: Some other time. Kramer: What tonight? Kramer: Y'know I never figured you for a squealer. Jerry: Oh, he sang like a canary. Librarian: Mr. Bookman's not here. Jerry: Not here? Why was I told to come down here? Librarian: He'll be out all afternoon on a case. Kramer: He's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases? Jerry: Well what am I supposed to do now? Librarian: I'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with you. Jerry: All right Thanks. Come on lets go George: Let's see if it's Hayman? Kramer: Hey, uh, I'll see you boys later. (TURNS TO LIBRARIAN) So uh, what's a guy got to do around here to get a library card? Elaine: Where's Karen? Secretary: She went to pick up lunch. Elaine: Well, she didn't ask me what I wanted. Secretary: She must have forgot. Elaine: How could she forget I've been ordering lunch every day here for 3 and a half years? Secretary: I don't know anything. Elaine: Ah, you don't know anything. You see, "I don't know anything", means there's something to know. If you really didn't know anything you would have said "You're crazy." Elaine: Oh, hi Mr. Lippman. Lippman: Elaine, Elaine: Um, uh, I was wondering if you got a chance to look at that , um, biography of Columbus, I gave you? Lippman: Yes I did. Yes I did. ... Maureen this water is still too cold. Elaine: Ooh yeah, It's freezing. ... Hurts your teeth. Elaine: I'm tellin' ya' somethin' is goin' on. He never likes anything I recommend. And then that lunch thing. Jerry: So they forgot to get your lunch. Big deal! Elaine: What do you know. You've never worked in an office. (TURNS TO GEORGE) See, George, you've worked in an office. Jerry thinks I'm over reacting but you understand, ... LUNCH! George: I don't understand lunch, I don't know anything about lunch. Listen. Just because I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum - does it? Elaine: What did he do? George: He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying, "Costanza" He'd say, "Can't stand ja". "Can't stand ja" ... He made me smell my own gym socks once. Jerry: I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. And the straps were hangin' down by his ,... George: OK, OK, I never even had him for gym. Jerry: I had him for Hygene. Remember his teeth. It was like from an exhumed corpse. George: Little baked beans Jerry: Echh Elaine: Come on tell me what happened. George: Well, OK. As I said the guy had it in for me. He actually failed me in gym. ... ME! George: ... Those spastic shnitzer twins ... Heyman: Can't stand ja ... Can't stand ja George: Yes, Mr. Hayman Heyman: Your underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class. George: Well I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts. Heyman: Boxer shorts, ha ha, Well what brand? George: I'm not really sure, I... Heyman: Well let's take a look. George: He gave me a wedgie. Jerry: He got fired the next day. Elaine: Why do they call it a wedgie? George: Because the underwear is pulled up from the back and ... it wedges in.. Jerry: They also have an atomic wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. Very rare. Elaine: Boys are sick. Jerry: Well what do girls do ? Elaine: We just tease some one 'til they develop an eating disorder. guy who ruined his life. George: I gotta go back to the library and talk to him. I gotta find out if I&Mac226;m the guy who ruined his life. Kramer: Hey Babaloo, you better get home. You know this guy Bookman from the library he's waiting for ya. Jerry: What's amazing to me about the library is it's a place where you go in you can take out any book you whant they just give it to you and say bring it back when you're done. It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everbody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend. And that's why everybody kinds of bullies the library. I'll bring it back on time ... I'll bring it back late. ... Oh, what are you going to do? Charge me a nickel? Jerry: Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea? Bookman: You got any coffee? Jerry: Coffee? Bookman: Yeah. Coffee. Jerry: No, I don't drink coffee. Bookman: Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee? Jerry: No, I don't have- Bookman: You don't have any instant coffee? Jerry: Well, I don't normally- Bookman: Who doesn't have instant coffee? Jerry: I don't. Bookman: You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried Crystals. Jerry: Really? I'll have to remember that. Bookman: You took this book out in 1971. Jerry: Yes, and I returned it in 1971. Bookman: Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella. Jerry: Look, Mr. Bookman. I-I returned that book. I remember it very specifically. Bookman: You're a comedian, you make people laugh. Jerry: I try. Bookman: You think this is all a big joke, don't you? Jerry: No, I don't. Bookman: I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name-from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law? Jerry: Certainly not. Bookman: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week! Kramer: What's wrong? Marion: It's Bookman the library cop. Kramer: So I, I didn't do anything wrong. Marion: I'm supposed to be at work. I could get fired. I shouldn't have come here. Kramer: Why don't ya' leave? Marion: I can't. Jerry: No way I'm payin' that! I returned that book in 1971. I have a witness Sherry Becker. She wore an orange dress. She gave me a piece of black jack gum. It's a licorice gum. What do ya' think of next I remember it. (thinks out loud, opens phone book) Becker, ... Becker, ... Sherry: Kevin went to a public school, he's the 14 year old? We were gonna' send Marsha to a private school. Cause in some way they don't learn ... enough ... I think. Jerry: So Sherry, what do you remember about that day at the library? Sherry: I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a Friday afternoon. I wore a purple dress. Jerry: Purple? Ya' sure it wasn't orange? Sherry: Positive. And I was chewin' Dentyne. I always chewed dentyne. Remember Jerry? Dentyne? Jerry: No Black Jack? Sherry: Uch! Licorice gum? Never! We were ah, reading pasages to each other from that Henry Miller book, Jerry: Tropic of Cancer. Sherry: No, Tropic of Capricorn Jerry: Tropic of Capricorn? Sherry: Rememba? What holds the world togetha' ... "As I have learned from bitter experience is sexual intercourse ." Jerry: Wait a second. Wait a second. You're right. I had both of them. Jerry: George, here's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it. George: Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it Jerry: Ok, I'll see you after school. I.m late for Hayman's hygiene. Sherry: Where ya' going? Jerry: It was nice seeing you again. I just remembered something. I've got to go. (to old man that enters) It was GEORGE! Kramer: Read another poem. Marion: Pressed chest fleshed out west Might be the saviour or a garden pest. Kramer: Wow, that is great. You should be published. Kramer: You know, the library is kind of a cool place when it's closed. Marian: Oh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet. Listen to the echo HELLO! Kramer: HELLO! Marian: HELLO! Kramer: HELLO! Marian: HELLO! Bookman (Emerging): Hello! Marian (Turning, Surprised): Mr. Bookman. Bookman: I remember when the librarian was a much older woman Kindly, discreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private life. We didn't want to know anything about her private life. She didn't have a private life. While you're thinking about that, think about this The library closes at five o'clock, no exceptions. This is your final warning. Got that, kewpie-doll? Elaine: Lippman want's to see me in his office SEE ME! That can't be good Jerry: Maybe you're getting' a raise. Elaine: Maybe I'm getting' a wedgie. Elaine: What? George: It's George Elaine: George is on his way up. Jerry: Wait 'til I tell him about the book. Kramer: (reading) sobs Elaine: Are you OK? What? What? Kramer: It's Marion's poetry. I can't take it (leaves sobbing) Elaine: Remember that biography I recommended? MY BOSS HATED IT Jerry: I'm right here. Elaine: Remember that Columbus book? Jerry: Columbus, Euro trash. George: Well, it's definetly him. Elaine: Him? Him who? George: Him who? Hayman him. Elaine: Hayman The gym teacher? You found him? George: Oh, I found him. He was sitting on the steps of the library. I sat down next to him. He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus Jerry: That was double overtime. George: So I said, "Mr. Hayman, It's me george Costanza, JFK, ... " He doesn't move. So I said uh, "Can't stand ya'", "Can't stand ya'" He turns and smiles, the little baked bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding me back. It was Heyman. He had my underwear. There I was on the steps of the 42nd St. library , a grown man, getting a wedgie. Elaine: At least it wasn't atomic. George: It was. Jerry: So Georgie Boy, guess what happened to TROPIC OF CANCER George: How should I know? Jerry: Because I gave it to you. George: Me? Jerry: Yeah, think. Don't you remember you kept begging me to see it then finally I agreed. You were supposed to return it. I met you in the gym locker room. George: The locker room! Jerry: Here's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it. George: Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it tomorrow, no problem. Jerry: All right, I'll see you after school. I,,m late for Hayman's hygiene. Heyman: Can't Stand Ya'. George: Yes Mr. Hayman. Heyman: Your underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class. George: Well I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts. Heyman: Boxer shorts, ha? Well what brand? George: I'm not really sure, I... Heyman: Well let's take a look. George: (shouting) No No No! Jerry: Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings. Bookman: Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? Y'ever have a man die in your arms? Y'ever kill somebody? Jerry: What is your problem? Bookman: What's my problem? Punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle. Jerry: (after Bookman exits) That is one tough monkey! (turns to Elaine) So you were saying? Elaine: Oh? So, I took your suggestion and I gave my boss Marion's poems. The ones that affected Kramer so much. Jerry: Oh, beautiful did he like them? Elaine: No, ... he didn't! No, ... he didn't! Jerry: (to George) Was he out there? George: Na, he's gone. I wonder what happened to him. Jerry: I guess we'll never know. Heyman: Can't stand ya, (laughing) Can't stand ya. (pan to TROPIC OF CANCER on ground) Jerry: Any day that you had gym it was a weird school day, you know what I mean because it kind of like started of kind of normal. You have like English, Geometry, Social Studies and then suddenly you're like in Lord of The Flies for 40 minutes you know you're hangin' from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yellin' at ya' "Where's your jock strap?" Ya' know and kids are throwin' dodge balls at you. You're tryin' to survive ... Then its History, Science, Language. There's something off in the entire flow of that day.

[Act One Scene A Int. Escalator - Going Down To A Garage. In Single File: GEORGE, JERRY AND ELAINE, WHO'S CARRYING A PLASTIC BAG WITH GOLDFISH, AND KRAMER WHO'S HAVING A ROUGH TIME WITH A LARGE, HEAVY BOX.] George: One left...what a joke. Kramer: You can have this one. George: No, that's not enough BTUs for my living room...That was a complete waste of time. Elaine: Hey, I didn't get one either. Jerry: Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons? Elaine: This is what people do. Jerry: No they don't. They're out on some big picnic. They're cooking burgers. They're making out on blankets. They're not at some mall in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air-conditioner. George: You should see what my father used to go through before he bought a car. He'd go from state to state. He was away for weeks at a time. It was like he was running for President and he was going through the primaries. We'd get phone calls from motels in New Hampshire. Elaine: So we took a little ride. What's the big deal? George: Well at least you accomplished something. You got fish. Jerry: Big accomplishment. George: Fish. What do they do? Elaine: What do you do? Kramer: It's this way. George: What time is it? Jerry: Five o'clock. George: Always late. Always late. Jerry: You're not late. George: I told them to meet me in front of my building at six-fifteen. Elaine: Who? George: My parents. It's their anniversary. I'm taking them out to dinner and a show tonight. You think we'll hit traffic? Jerry: Of course we'll hit traffic. It's rush hour. Elaine: Isn't it going the other way? Jerry: There is no other way in New York. Everybody goes every way all the time. Elaine: But it's Saturday. Jerry: You got the picnic and burger traffic. George: I always get myself in this position. Can't be on time. Gotta rush. Elaine: What's the matter? Jerry: I have to go to the bathroom. Why do they hide the bathroom in these malls? Jerry: (CONT'D) You want me to help you with that? Kramer: No, no, I got it. Jerry: (TO GEORGE, REWOMAN) What do you think, Georgie boy? George: Did I need that pointed out for me? What is that going to do for me? How does that help me, to see her? I'm trying to live my life. Don't show me that. Kramer: If you like her, go talk to her. George: Yeah, right. I'll just go up and say, "Hi, how ya' doing? Would you like a glass of white wine?" JERRY Before you got within twenty feet of this woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button. She's like an expensive car with one of those motion-sensor force field alarms. Any sudden movement in the area could set her off. Kramer: She's fat. Elaine: Oh she's fat? Elaine: What? JERRY Where's the car? Kramer: I thought it was here. George: You don't know where we parked? George: Oh, this is great. Kramer: Blue-one. I thought it was blue-one. Jerry: I thought it was green. I remember seeing green. Elaine: I didn't pay attention. George: This is just what I need. Elaine: I'm sure it's right around here. Kramer: It looks familiar. I remember the elevator. George: There's elevators all over! It all looks the same. Jerry: It's over there. I know where it is. Elaine: It's black, right? Kramer: Dark blue. George: (MUMBLING) You come to a parking lot, you write it down. How hard is that? Jerry: There it is!...No, no that's a Toyota. Jerry: (CONT'D) Hmmm...I thought it was... Kramer: Didn't we come in over there? Jerry: I thought it was over there. Elaine: How long can fish live in one of these plastic bags? Kramer: About two hours. Elaine: (SHE LOOKS AT HER WATCH) You'd better find this car. George: It's this way... AND THEY TAKE OFF AGAIN, PAIRING OFF Jerry: I really have to go to the bathroom. Kramer: Why don't you go behind one of these cars? J Kramer: (CONT'D) Why? Nobody's around. Jerry: I'll wait. Kramer: You know when you hold it in like that you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers. They hold it in all the time. Eventually it starts coming out involuntarily. Jerry: Alright. Kramer: Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a six hundred million dollar a year industry? Jerry: Maybe I should just go anytime I get the urge like you...wherever I am. There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character. Elaine: (RE CAR) There it is!...No that's not it. Elaine: (CONT'D) Hey, watch it. ...Did you see that car? Maniac. Can you explain something to me? I got six questions wrong on my drivers test. That's the maximum. I read the book, I'm a college graduate. This is a country where fifty percent of its high school students can't locate Europe on a map. How are they all passing that test? It's a mystery. George: ...Six wrong? Elaine: Those school zones are a killer. Jerry: (TO KRAMER, REBOX) Will you let me help you with that? Kramer: I'm gonna put it down behind that car. Jerry: You're not worried somebody's gonna pee on it? Kramer: (TO GEORGE) Pink eleven. Remember that. George: Oh I got it. (TO JERRY) That I'm supposed to remember. Where the car is, that's insignificant. Elaine: (LOOKING AT FISH) I think they're laboring. Kramer: Look at this place. It's huge... George: I can tell you this. If I am not in front of my house at six-fifteen, when my parents get there, they will put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades. Jerry: Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a show, "Make sure you hang on to your jacket." George: Where the hell is this car, Kramer? Kramer: It's got to be here. Elaine: Why are they using so many colors? And the numbers go up to forty. Jerry: Maybe it's not on this level. George: What? Jerry: There are four different levels. Maybe we're on the wrong level. How long was the escalator ride up? Elaine: It felt like a couple of levels. Jerry: You should always carry a pad and pen. George: I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum. Kramer: I have a pen. Jerry: Where was the bathroom in this mall? There are six-hundred stores, I didn't see one bathroom. What is this, like a joke? They finished building the mall and they go, "Oh my god, we forgot the bathrooms." Mother: (O.C.) Don't you dare talk to me like that! You hear me? Elaine: Look at that woman. Mother: I told you! I don't care! You'll have to wait. George: (TO WOMAN) Hey, is that necessary? Mother: (TO GEORGE) Why don't you mind your own business? George: I think hitting a defenseless child is my business. Kid: (TO GEORGE) You're ugly. George: ...What? Kid: You're ugly. George: You are! Kid: You are! George: I should've hit the little son-of-a-bitch. I can't stand kids. Adults think it's so wonderful how honest kids are. I don't need that kind of honesty. I'll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day. Kramer: (RE CAR) I found it! Elaine: He's got it. Kramer: Oh...no. Jerry: All right, that's it. From now on no more calling out they found it, unless we're sitting in it. Okay? Elaine: Jerry, look at my fish. Jerry: His eyes look a little cloudy. George: Oh are they gonna be furious. Jerry: Who's got the tickets? GEORGE I do. (TO KRAMER) I thought you knew this mall. You said you'd been here before! Kramer: It was easy the last time. Elaine: My fish are dying right in front of me! We have to get someone to drive us around the parking lot to help us look for the car. Jerry: No one's going to do that. Elaine: Excuse me, we can't seem to find our car. I was wondering if it would be possible if you're not in a hurry, to drive us around the garage for five minutes so we can look. Man #1: (HOLDING HIS HANDS UP) ...Sorry. Elaine: Five minutes. Man #1: Can't do it. Elaine: We're not wilding. Elaine: (CONT'D) Excuse me - I can't seem to find my car - do you think you could drive me... Elaine: (CONT'D) Oh that's funny? Is that funny? Well tell me if you think this is funny These fish are dying! They're gasping for oxygen right now! They'll be floating in an hour. Is that funny too? Jerry: Those are really ugly sneakers. Where did you get those? Kramer: Right here at the mall. Elaine: Excuse me... Elaine: (CONT'D) Sorry to have disturbed you. Terribly sorry. But the fish will be dead. You do know that. They can't live in plastic. That's not me talking, that's science. Jerry: It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. All I have to do is walk into a department store and it's like some kind of horse laxative just kicked in. Kramer: You drank a whole bottle of water. Jerry: I know. Kramer: So why don't you just go? Jerry: No I can't. Kramer: Don't you get tired of following rules? Jerry: You think I'm too cautious? Kramer: Why be uncomfortable if you don't have to? It's organic. Jerry: Organic. So's Buddy Hackett. Kramer: Buddy Hackett? Jerry: He's a comedian. Kramer: I know. Jerry: All right. All right. Kramer: (pointing) You can go over here. Jerry: I can manage. Kramer: (turns away and spots George) George! (leaves scene) Kramer: It'll take you ten seconds. Jerry: Okay, okay. I'll be right back. Security Guard: Okay, let's go. Come with me. Jerry: But... Security Guard: Come on. Jerry: (STARTS TO LEAVE, TO HIMSELF) ...Kramer Jerry: I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die. Security Guard: Well you're still not allowed. Jerry: Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for? Security Guard: That's up to you. Jerry: So you don't care if I die. Security Guard: What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility. Jerry: It was life and death. Security Guard: Uh huh. Jerry: Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law. Security Guard: I don't know. Jerry: Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Jerry: (C0NT'D) Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place. You want to call the Department of Social Services? Oh, it's Saturday. They're closed today. My luck. Security Guard: You can tell the police all about it. Kramer: (CALLING OUT) Jerry! Elaine: Jerry! George: Unbelievable, I'm never gonna get out of here. The guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science fiction story. Elaine: Maybe he went to one of the other levels. I'll go look for him. George: Oh now you're gonna go? ELAINE I'll be back in five minutes. George: If you go now, I know what's gonna happen. We'll find the car, Jerry will show up, and then we'll never find you. Elaine: No, no, I'll be back. George: Oh what's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually. Kramer: Does that bother you? George: Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you? Kramer: Not at all. George: See now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, cause it's people like you who live to be a hundred and twenty because you're not bothered by it. How could it not bother you? Kramer: I once saw this thing on T.V. with people who are terminally ill. And they all believed the secret of life is just to live every moment. George: Yeah, yeah. I've heard that. Meanwhile I'm here with you in a parking garage, what am I supposed to do? Jerry: First of all you don't even know technically that I went. That's for starters. I mean I could've been pouring a bottle of water out there. You don't know. Security Guard: I know what you did. Jerry: Oh really, do you? Well it just so happens that I did pour water out. I had a bottle of very tepid water and I poured it out. And I could see how you made a mistake, because pouring water out sounds very much like a person urinating. Jerry: (CONT'D) And you know when you think about it it's really quite an amusing case of mistaken identity. That's all it is. Security Guard: Yeah I'm sure. Jerry: You know this is not the first time this has happened to me. I always carry water because of my condition. It dehydrates me. It's a vicious cycle. Elaine: And now he's gone. I'm sure he's looking for the car. Five minutes, that's all. I just want to find him. Man #1: I can't do it. Elaine: But why? Why can't you do it? Man #1: I can't. Elaine: No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to. Man #1: That's right. Elaine: But why? Why don't you want to? Man #1: I don't know. Elaine: But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out? Man #: 1 No, I wouldn't. Jerry: (A NEW TACK) All right, all right. I want to apologize. I was frightened, I said crazy things. I obviously offended you. I insulted your intelligence. The uromysitisis, the water bottle...I made it all up, and now...I'm going to tell you the truth. Today my father and mother are celebrating their fiftieth, well I'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh wedding anniversary. We made arrangements to spend the evening together. They are supposed to be in front of my building at six-fifteen. Jerry: (CONT'D) What I haven't told you, or anyone else for that matter, is that my father's been in a Red Chinese prison for the past fourteen years. Kramer: The guy's got a fat fetish. Spector never dates a woman under two hundred-fifty pounds. George: (NOT INTERESTED) Really. Kramer: What does he do with all that fat? Does he just jump up and down on it? Does he gouge it like Killer Kowalski? George: Who's Killer Kowalski? Kramer: He was a wrestler. He would grab hold of someone's stomach and just squeeze it until they gave. George: I've gotta go to the bathroom. Kramer: So go. GEORGE Here? Kramer: (SHAKING HIS HEAD) You and Jerry. George: Don't you believe me? It's their fiftieth anniversary. You know this is gonna kill him. You're aware of that. Kill him. On the biggest night of his life... Security Guard: Oh your folks have an anniversary today too? Jerry: (TO GEORGE) Was he also in a Red Chinese prison? George: (TO JERRY, SOMEWHAT IMPRESSED) A Red Chinese prison? Kramer: George! George! Elaine: Jerry! (THEN SHE CHECKS HER FISH) Jerry: Well what happened was my father was staying in the home of one of Red China's great military leaders, General Chang, who by the way came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken. You know, the one with the red peppers and orange peel at Szechwan Gardens? GEORGE Sure, I have it all the time. Very spicy. Jerry: Well General Chang was a very flamboyant man. A complete failure as a general, but a helluva cook. Elaine: (O.C.) Jerry! JERRY Elaine?! Elaine: (O.C.) Jerry! Over here... Elaine: (CONT'D) Where have you been? Jerry: I was arrested for urinating. George: (PROUDLY) Me too. Elaine: You what? Jerry: I have uromysitisis. It's very serious you know. Elaine: Look at my fish... (JERRY EXAMINES IT) Is he... Jerry: No, but he's not looking good... (ELAINE TURNS TO TWO HUGE BODY BUILDERS IN WORKOUT WEAR) Elaine: (DESPERATE) Please, we can't find our car. Please drive us around the parking lot to find our car. My fish are dying. Man #2: Can't do it. Elaine: I can see not caring what happens to us, we're human. But what about the fish? The fish? Man #3: Sorry. (THEY KEEP WALKING.) Elaine: That's right, go. Go home to your dumbbells. Work on your pecs. I'm really impressed. Elaine: (CONT'D) That's right you heard me. You got a problem with that? George: Elaine, shut-up. Jerry: Hey, where's Kramer? George: I don't know. (TO ELAINE) Where's Kramer? Elaine: I thought he was with you. George: See, I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen... George: (CONT'D) Look at the time, that's it. Elaine: Have we looked over there? Have we checked that side? George: We came in over there! Elaine: We didn't come in over there! Jerry: Where's Kramer? Jerry: Hey George, there she is again. ... George: So what do you want me to do? Jerry: Ask her to drive us around. There's your opening. George: That is an opening. George: (CONT'D) Excuse me...I really... What's happened is that my friend forgot where he parked and if you're not in a big hurry, we'd really appreciate it if... Amy: Oh sure, I'll drive you around. George: You will? Amy: Sure. George: Thanks a lot. I'm really late. My parents are waiting in front of my building and we're stuck here. Amy: I wouldn't want to get lost in here. It smells like a toilet. People are such animals. George: Yeah, right. Jerry: Filthy pigs. George: It's a blue Honda... Amy: This has happened to me too. It's very frustrating. Elaine: Hi, I'm Elaine. Jerry: Jerry. Amy: Hello. Elaine: It's very nice of you to do this. I've asked several people and they wouldn't even answer me. Amy: I'm happy to do it. (TO GEORGE) I'm Amy. George: Hi Amy, I'm George. George: (TALKING IN PASSENGER WINDOW) I didn't mean anything by it. I don't even know L. Ron Hubbard! I didn't know you were... George: (CONT'D) ...with that group. Elaine: (SHOUTING TO AMY) What about my fish? Jerry: Boy, those Scientologists. They can be pretty sensitive. Elaine: I'll say. Elaine: What is it? (THEY DISCOVER WHAT HE'S STARING AT) The car! Jerry: The car! George: The car! Elaine: We found it. I can't believe it! George: Kramer, Kramer's not here...I knew it. I knew it! I knew this would happen. (SCREAMING) Kramer! Kramer! Jerry: Kramer! Jerry: Kramer. Kramer: Jerry? Jerry: Yeah, over here. Kramer: Boy I had a helluva time finding that air-conditioner. I looked everywhere. I completely forgot where I hid it. You know where it was? George: Purple 23. Kramer: Right! Purple 23. I could've used you. George: Sometimes it's good to have a pencil to write these things down. Kramer: What time is it? George: Seven forty-five. Kramer: Well at least there's no traffic. George: Right. Kramer: What time does that play start? George: Eight o'clock. Kramer: That might be a problem. (TO ELAINE) Where's your little bag of... Kramer: (CONT'D) Oh...(TAKES OUT PARKING STUB) Boy this garage is going to cost a fortune. You know how long we were here?

George: She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women don'tnice. Jerry: This is amazing, I haven't seen one person go in to that restaurant since it opened. Poor guy. George: Why is nice bad? What kind a of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad? Jerry: What's that smell? What are you wearing? George: What, a 'little' cologne. Jerry: Manly. George: Monica wants me to wear it. Jerry: So why didn't you say no? George: I'm too nice. Jerry: Look at this poor guy. His family is probably in Pakistan - they're waiting him to send back money. This is horrible. George: She wants me to take an IQ test. Jerry: That's because you're stupid enough to wear the cologne. George: No, she's taking this course in education for her masters. It's part of her research project, so I have to be a guinea pig. Jerry: I've never been a guinea pig. I've been a sheep, a tody. George: You know, I can't talk to you anymore. Jerry: All right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, you're taking the IQ test. George: Yeah, and she's going to find I'm a moron. You know, people think I'm smart, but I'm not smart. Jerry: Who thinks you're smart? George: I'm not going to break a hundred on this thing. Jerry: What thing? George: You don't listen when people talk to you anymore! Jerry: Oh, Oh, the IQ thing...yeah. George: I'm sure I have a low IQ. I've been lying about my SAT scores for 15 years. Jerry: What'd ya get? George: What did I get or what do I say I got? Jerry: What do you say? George: I say fourteen o nine (1409). Jerry: 1409, that's a good score. George: Psst, You're telling me. Jerry: What did you really get? George: You are my friend. Jerry: Of course. George: I tell you everything, right? Jerry: I hope so. George: Well, this I take to the grave. Jerry: He's serving Mexican, Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. That's why no one's going in. Elaine: Why do you keep watching? Jerry: I don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. And even though ya know he's not going to make it, y-y-you kind of root for him for a second. Elaine: And then you flush. Jerry: Well, it's a spider. Elaine: You know, sometimes people won't go in a place, if they don't see anyone else in there. Elaine: Do you have to do that? Jerry, don't do that, that is so annoying. Jerry: Bazooka Joe. Jerry: The buzzer. Elaine: It's your house. Jerry: My house? You gotta be on the lease to press to buzzer. Yeah? (to the intercom) Intercom: It's George. Jerry: Come on up. Elaine: Casus belli. Jerry: What's that? Elaine: It's Latin. I read it in some book. I don't know, I just wanted to say it out loud. Jerry: Come on, Go in, go in! [watching Dream Cafe with binoculars again] Elaine: Have you gone in there? Jerry: No, I'm afraid we'll start talking, and I'll gonna wind up going partners with him. George: Hey. Jerry: You know, I could probably shoot him from here. I'd be doing us both a favor. George: I'm wearing some cologne, all right? Elaine: Sure, fine. Jerry: Casus belli. Elaine: Casus belli. George: What's that? Elaine: Since when do you wear cologne? George: Why is what I do is so important? Why must I be always the focal point of attention? Let me just be, let me live. Jerry: Hey, how'd you do on that IQ test? George: I didn't take it, yet. Elaine: What IQ test? George: What's casus belli. Jerry: Oh, it's nothing... George: Is it about me? Jerry: Why must you always be the focal point of attention? Why can't you just be? (Elaine laughs - hu) Why can't you live? Elaine: It's just a Latin phrase George, it does not mean anything. Now, what is this test? Jerry: This woman he's dating is making him take this IQ test for this course. Elaine: Oh, that sounds like fun. George: Yeah, fun. IQ tests are totally bogus. They prove nothing. Elaine: You'll do well, you're smart. Jerry: No see, he's not smart. People think he's smart, but he's not. Elaine: Wha'd you get on your SAT's? George: It varies. Jerry: You know, I don't even know my IQ. Elaine: huh, Mine's 145. George: 145! Jerry: Get out of here! Elaine: You get out of here! Jerry: You get out of here! Elaine: Huhuhuhuhuhuhu (laughing) George: Shst, You should take the test for me. Elaine: Huh. Jerry: Boy that'd be something, cheating on a IQ test. George: Haha (laughs) Jerry: Hey, remember in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became a legend after that. (stepping over Elaine then George's legs to get to the large blue chair and sits down.) George: Yeah, yeah I really had some guts back then. Why don't we do it again? Elaine: What? George: You could take the IQ test for me. I could pass it to you out a window. We could do it, she lives in the first floor. Elaine: Are you serious? George: Why not? Elaine: Where would I take the test? George: I don't know, she lives right around the corner. You could take it here or go to the coffee shop. Elaine: No, that'd be too noisy. Jerry: Take it to Dream Cafe, you won't hear a peep. Elaine: Hey, what do you think? Jerry: Hey, I love a good caper. Elaine: Yeah, that's what is, isn't it? A caper. Huh. George: You'll do it? Elaine: What the hey. George: Yeaah, beautiful... (They try to hit a high five, but George hits Elaine in the forehead.) Sorry... Babu Bhatt: Welcome to the Dream Cafe. Jerry: Well, ah, I've been looking forward to it. Babu: Oh, ah how did you hear about us? Jerry: Eh, people, people are talking. Babu: Smoking or non-smoking? We are proud to offer both. Jerry: Ah, non-smoking would be great. Babu: Very good. My name is Babu Bhatt, I will be your waiter. A steaming hot folded face cloth for your pleasure. Jerry: Thank you. [Throws the towel around like a hot potato.] Babu: Our specials are tacos, moussaka and franks and beans. Jerry: Well, ah w-what do you recommend my good fellow? Babu: Oh, the turkey. Jerry: Well then the turkey it'll be. And may I say you have a splendid establishment here, my friend. I'm sure you flourish at this location for many, many years. Babu: You're very kind man. Very kind, thank you. Very kind... Jerry: (thinks) Very kind. I am a kind man. Who else would do something like this? Nobody. Nobody thinks about people the way I do. All right, snap out of it you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. What do want, a Nobel Prize? George: You go in the living room. I'll take the test in here. Monica: But why? George: I won't be able to, concentrate in front of you. Monica: Oh, I think you're making too much of this. IQ tests don't mean anything. George: Are you kidding me? [Elaine walks past the window glancing in] This is the best tool we have today of measuring a persons' intelligence. Monica: Well, I certainly don't place any importance on it. George: Well, I think you're wrong about that. [Elaine walks past the window again, glancing in] And ah now if you'll excuse me, I'd really like to get started, please. Monica: Good luck. George: Don't need it. N'huhuhu (laughs) Elaine: What's been going on out there? I've been standing here 20 minutes. George: I'm sorry I'm sorry, here's the test. Thanks again for doing this - hhe. Elaine: All right, what time do you want me back here. George: Ah, ah, twenty to three. Elaine: Ok. George: Thanks again. Elaine: All right. George: A-and don't settle for 145, you can do better, you're a genius. Heheheh (laughs) Jerry: Thank you Babu. You have quite a flair. You are quite the restaurateur I must say. Babu: It is in deed my pleasure. Jerry: Oh, please... Babu: Oh, welcome to the Dream Cafe. (runs to get a menu.) Our specials today... Elaine: Oh, no no no. I'll just have a tea and toast. (sits down across the table from Jerry) Babu: Tea and toast. Jerry: Eat something! Babu... Elaine: Um, ok, ah well I'll have the, th-ri-rigatoni. Babu: Oh, oh very good choice. Very good. Jerry: Oh wow, so you got the test. You're cheating. Elaine: I know. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Hey. Kramer: Oh boy. Woop... Kramer: Jerry let me ask you something, hi Elaine... (pats her on the shoulder twice.) Elaine: Hey. Kramer: This guy leaves this jacket at my mother's house two years ago. Now, she hasn't spoken to him since and now he says he wants the jacket back. Jerry: So? Kramer: Well, I'm not giving it back. Jerry: Why not? Kramer: Well because I meet a lot of women in this jacket, you know they're attracted to it. I mean why do you think my mother went out with him? Kramer: Oh, gees... Elaine: Ok, Kramer: You're all right Elaine: Yeah, ok... (takes the test and moves to another table.) Kramer: (eating some nachos) Anyway, it's been two years. I mean isn't there like statue of limitations on that? Jerry: Statute. Kramer: What? Jerry: Statute of limitations. It's not a statue. Kramer: No, it's statue. Jerry: Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations. Kramer: Wait a minute, Just wait a minute...Elaine, Elaine! Now you're smart, is it statue or statute of limitations? Elaine: Statute. Kramer: Oh, I really think you're wrong. Elaine: Look, Kramer, I have to take this test ok, I don't have a lot of time. Kramer: What test? Elaine: An IQ test. Kramer: Hmm. Why you takin' an IQ test? Elaine: It's for George. Kramer: George? Elaine: Yeah, can-look ... can I explain it to you later? Kramer: Yeah, but why are you taking an IQ test for George? Elaine: Would you please?! Kramer: What, is it for a job or something? Elaine: Later! Kramer: You're positive it's statute? Elaine: Yes, yes! (Jerry shaking his head, like he can't believe what he's seeing) Babu: Welcome, welcome. A steaming hot face towel for your... (gives Kramer a hot towel and Kramer screams, Elaine screams and Kramer falls from his chair. He gets up and is dazed) Monica: George? George: Yeah? Monica: The door is locked. George: Oh, it's locked? Monica: I need to get something. George: Monica, I'm really focused here, this stuff's a killer. (turns to the next page) Monica: George! George: Wish I could. (raises the magazine up in front of his face and continues reading.) Babu: Nananeena, Ladadeeda, laadadeeda, saadina... Laadadeeda sa saadina (singing too loud) Elaine: Babu! Ba-If-if ya don't mind? Babu: Set. ok Elaine: Set. Babu: I'll get it ... Elaine: Oh my God! It's all over the test! Babu: Oh, I did sc-I'm terribly sorry. Jerry: Oh my God. Elaine: Oh man! Look at this... I'm out of time anyway. Babu: Please, forgive me, please... Jerry: Go ahead, I'll take care of it. Elaine: Uhh. Babu: (opens the door for Elaine) Please, I'm very sorry. Tell your friends! Jerry: It's all right, she was cheating anyway. Babu: You're a very kind man. Jerry: Babu, you're Pakistani, right? Babu: Yes, Pakistani, yes. Jerry: Babu, may I say something? Babu: Of course, you're very smart man, I listen. Jerry: I am not a restaurateur by any means, but it occurred to me that perhaps you might serve some dishes from your native Pakistan? As opposed to say t-the franks and beans for example. Babu: But there are no Pakistani people here. Jerry: Doesn't matter. You would have the only authentic Pakistani restaurant in the whole neighborhood. Babu: Yes, you see everything, don't you? Jerry: Well, you know; not everything. I do what I can. Babu: I close down today and when I open again it'll be all Pakistani restaurant. Thank you, thank you so much, you're very special person, very special. Elaine: It was an accident. George: What did you go on a picnic? Elaine: Babu Bhatt did it. George: Babu Bhatt? How I'm going to explain this? Monica: Time's up George. George: U-ok. (George closes the window and shoos Elaine off. He opens the door to Monica.) Here you go. Monica: How did you do? George: Piece of cake; hu. Monica: What happened to the test? George: What? Oh I spilled some food on it. Monica: Food? What food? George: What are you talking about? Monica: Where did you get food? George: From my pocket. Monica: Your pocket? George: I eh, I had a sandwich in my pocket. Monica: And coffee? George: Yeah, had some coffee, yeah. Monica: Where did you get the coffee? George: Where did I get the coffee? Where do think I got the coffee, at the grocery store. (small laugh) Monica: How did you get there? George: I walked. Monica: How did you get out of the apartment? I didn't see you leave. George: I climbed out the window. Monica: You climbed out the window? George: Of course. Monica: Why didn't you go out the door? George: The door? Why would I go out the door? The window's right here. Monica: You're a fascinating man, George Costanza. [Jerry'S Apartment, Jerry And Elaine. Jerry Is Looking Dream Cafe With Binoculars. There'S A Sign On The Window: Closed for renovation.] Jerry: The average person in a situation like this, they walk right by it. Not me. Elaine: You're very special. Kramer: Hey, do me a favor... Some guy comes in looking for me, tell him you don't know where I am. Jerry: Of course, I always do. Kramer: No, no it's that guy. He's really been bugging me about the jacket. Elaine: Just give it back to him. Kramer: Oh, he'll have to kill me. (leaves.) Jerry: Hey Georgie! George: Coming up. Jerry: How'd you do on the IQ test?! George: 85! Jerry: What?!! George: 85, Jerry! 85 IQ ! Elaine: 85? Jerry: Well, well, well... Elaine: He's coming up? Jerry: Well, I'm no genius but, according to my calculations he should be here in a few seconds. Elaine: Yeah, but an 85, Jerry, that's ridiculous. Jerry: Well, maybe the test was gender bias, you know a lot of questions on hunting and testicles... George: Oh, hello Professor. Elaine: George, I cannot believe... George: Please... Elaine: No there has got be a mistake. George: You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist. Jerry: But an 85? Elaine: Listen, there were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever he's name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate. Elaine: Jerry! It was! Let me take it again. George: Ooh ho hoo, forget it. Elaine: Oh, come on, come on. I?ll guarantee 140. What do you have to lose? George: You could do worse! Elaine: No, no, come on. I guarantee it. George: All right, I'll ask her. Elaine: Ok, now where I'm going to take it. Jerry: Take it here, I'll leave, there'll be no distractions. Jerry: Well, congratulations my friend. You know, I'm sorry I missed the grand re-opening. I was out of town for about a week. Babu: You see how I listen. I work very hard, borrow more money. Jerry: I think it's fantastic. Has a certain indefinable charm. Babu: You wish to eat? Jerry: Let me tell you something Babu. You go back in that kitchen - tell your chef I want the works. Babu: Very good. Elaine: (stretching) Oh Man... Uunh. Elaine: What are you doing? Kramer: Quiet. Shh, don't say anything. Elaine: What's going on? Man Behind The Door: Hey, Kramer! I saw you go there! I'm not leaving until you gimme that jacket. (Bangs on the door) Open up Kramer! Elaine: Wha'd you come in here for? Kramer: Ah, well I thought I'd throw him off. See, he knows where I live. Elaine: Well Kramer, I have to return this test. I've got to get out of here. Kramer: I thought you took the test. Elaine: I had to take it again. Kramer: How come? Elaine: What's the difference?!! Kramer: Well, you can't leave now. Elaine: What? Man Behind The Door: Come on, Kramer! I want that jacket back! Kramer: Never! Monica: Come on George, open up. Monica: Well? George: How' you doing? Monica: Where's the test? George: Hunh, You know, it's the damnedest thing. I went out the window again to, to get a cup of coffee... Jerry: Babu? Babu...[waves Babu to come to table] Babu...you know, I got to tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just, it's a little stringy. You have any chicken? Babu: The shrimp is stringy? Jerry: Well, maybe your refrigerator... Babu: Quiet!! Jerry: No I... Babu: You shut up! Jerry: Well I... Babu: You make me change restaurant, but nobody come! You say make Pakistani, Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant. But where are people? You see people? Show me people. There are no people! Jerry: You know, I think I'll just take the check. Babu: You bad man! You very very bad man! [leaves] Jerry: (thinking) Bad man? Could've my mother been wrong? Monica: Are you looking for George? Elaine: Well eh, kind of... Monica: George left. Elaine: Oh. Monica: Is, that the test? Elaine: Oh, this...emm...yeah...here you go. Monica: Thanks. I hope you do a lot better this time. Elaine: Actually, you know I think I did. The first time I couldn't really cons...[Monica closes the window]...entrate. Jerry: You know what it was, bad location. George: Come on, lets not stand here too long, we might run in to her. Jerry: Aren't you cold? Where's your jacket? Kramer: h-Yeah... Jerry: Oh, sorry. Kramer: I'm going upstairs. Elaine: Hey guys... Jerry: Hey. Elaine: I just ran in to Monica. You know what my IQ is? 151. Jerry: 151? Elaine: Yeah..heheah (laughing a bit) George: That's a good score. Jerry: So, what are you up for? How about Mexican? George: Italian. Elaine: No, Chinese. Jerry: You know, what would be great?

Jerry: ...hair that was on your shower soap today could be in your head tomorrow. How did they do the first transplant? Did they have the guy take a shower , get his soap , rush it in there by helicopter, you know keep the soap alive on the soap support system ...looks it over. "We got the hair but I think we lost the Zest." ...rejects the transplant with organs. Is it possible that a head could reject the hair transplant . Guy just standin' there and suddenly... ..Bink! ( motions hair flying out of his head)....lands in someone's frozen yogurt. Repairman: ...The gaskets that you have here are asymmetrical. Jerry: Ah..ha!.. really. ( Jerry is barely listening to him ) Repairman: So I took off the motor relay on the compressor...'cos you..you (stutters) you've got some discoloration Jerry: Oh! well whatever you have to do. Repairman: I was working with one...mount at a time 'cos you don't wanna disturb the position of the compressor. Jerry: (sarcastically) No you don't.. George: Hey! what are listening to? Jerry: My show from last night. George: Oh! you taped it? Jerry: Yeah , I was doing new material. George: Hey! Did 'ya ever do that thing on the toes that I said . Jerry: Huh? George: Yeah! like the big toe is like the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot. Jerry: The" coup d-toe" George: Yeah. Did you do it? Jerry: Yeah! George: So? Jerry: Nothin'...nothing at all. George: Need to use the phone. Jerry: Who you calling? George: China. Jerry: China really? George: Yeah. I'll pay for it. Jerry: What for? George: What for? . I'll tell you what for... for hair. Jerry: Hair? George: The Chinese have done it my friend. The Chinese have done it. Jerry: Done what? George: Discovered a cure for baldness. Repairman: Did you see that last night? George: It was on CNN ( Kramer comes in and he is taping from a Camcorder) This Chinese doctor Zeng Zau. has discovered a cure for baldness. Jerry: (to Kramer) What's this? Kramer: Well I just got it. Spector gave it to me , he's giving everything away...becoming a minimalist. George: Is that the guy who likes fat women? Jerry: Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism. Kramer: (to George) You , you know what you should've done is watching that report on CNN last night. George: I did, I'm trying to call China. Kramer: You can't call China now its like, what, three 'O clock in the morning there Jerry: Oh! my God!... George: What? Jerry: Oh! God.. Oh! man...Oh! brother!!! I can't believe what I'm hearing. This woman his talking to me on my tape recorder while I was on stage. This is wild. I've never heard anything like this in my life. Listen to this. George: (George puts on the headphones) Oh! my god... Kramer: Give me it..( tries to pull them off George's head) George: Wa..Wait.Wait!...Who is this woman? Jerry: I don't know . I have no idea . I was just listening and she came on. George: This is like a Penthouse letter...Why can't I meet women like this? Kramer: All right Come on...again attempts to pull headphones off) George: WAIT ,WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!!... Where was the tape recorder? Jerry: It was in the back of the room on the left, she must have been sitting right in front of it. George: My god!!! Kramer: C'mon it's my turn. George: All right, All right, all, right!!( gives the headphones to Kramer) How you gonna find out who this is? Jerry: Good question. Kramer: Where's the volume..(finds it) A, YAI..YA...YA..YA!!!! George: What do the Chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness? Jerry: If it was real ,they would never let it out of the country. No baldness , it'd be like a nation of Supermen. Elaine: Hi boys. Both: Hello... Elaine: What's happening? Jerry: Tell her. I wanna hear her reaction. George: This woman left this really sexy message on Jerry's tape recorder... Jerry: (pushes George) NOT THAT YOU IDIOT!! George: What?? Jerry: The Chinese , the Chinese bald cure. George: I thought you meant the.. Jerry: No I meant the bald cure. We were talking about the bald cure. Elaine: What did she say? Peter: Seinfeld...( from way in the back of the restaurant. Cheesy plot device to have Jerry leave the table for a minute so George and Elaine can talk) Jerry: Hey! Is that Peter? ...I can't believe it. Get me a cup of Decaf. (leaves table) Elaine: So did you hear this message? George: Oh!, he he, It was unbelievable Elaine: Really! George: Yeah. I can't get over it. Elaine: Huh! Sexy? George: This woman drove us out of our minds Elaine: Like ...humm...How did she sound? George: She had this throaty , sexy kind of whisper. Elaine: Really , like a... like a...(leans over to George and whispers) Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake...Ooooooooooha ,oooooohaaaa... George: Oh! my God!!...You?...You?...That was you?... Elaine: Shhhhhh!!! George: how did ya?... Elaine: I stopped at the club to see him and I was standing in the back while he was on, right?, and there was this tape recorder there and I...got this impulse. Ha Ha Ha Ha...What? George: Oh! no no nothing... Elaine: Now listen , promise me you won't tell him Okay.I want to have a little fun with this. George: I had no Idea you were filled with such...sexuality.. Elaine: Oh! That was nothing. So listen, what about this bald thing? George: Ah! Some bald thing, a bald thing I dunno. It's nothing Jerry: Remember Peter? George: Peter? Jerry: You remember Peter. remember I told you how he went to the track that one time and he was yelling at this jockey and the jockey got off the horse and started chasin' him. Elaine: So listen , what about this girl on the tape recorder? Jerry: Oh Elaine...What do you think an enraptured female fan of mine might say? Elaine: I don't know. Jerry: She went on in some detail about certain activities, illegal in some states, for consenting adults. Things you would know very little about. Elaine: Oh! really. Jerry: Well this type of things is very common when you're in show business. Elaine: So what, Are you gonna ask her out. Jerry: No I can't she didn't leave her name or number. Elaine: Bummer...Okay , good luck finding her . I'm taking off. George: Wh.. Where you going? Elaine: Home. George: Why you going home for? Elaine: Well , I just came from the gym , unless I can shower at your place. Jerry: Sure. George: Oh! my god. Oh! man... Jerry: I don't get it. Why would a woman do that and then leave no way to get in touch with her. Elaine: (coming out of the shower in a bathrobe) May be she realized she could never have you and she jumped off the George Washington Bridge. George: (phone rings ,picks up) Operator? Beijing? Jerry: Why are you doing this? George: Why do I do anything? tsss...For women. Jerry: Elaine have you ever gone out with a bald man? Elaine: No. Jerry: You know what that makes you?...A baldist. George: Oh. This I need. Hello!! Hello. i..i..is this the hair restoration clinic? ...Does anyone speak English? Elaine: ( to Kramer who just got in with his camcorder) Ooooh! You're taping. Kramer: Just be yourselves. ( Elaine plays with her hair flirtingly) Elaine: Aah! Okaaay. Kramer: Well we're talking with Elaine Benes; Adult film star on the set of her new picture "Elaine does the Upper West side" Elaine: ( to the camera) Hi. How 're you doin'? Kramer: I'm doin' fine. George: Do you speak English?...English!! Kramer: Whooooa! here's the director Jerry Seinfeld . Jerry , you discovered Elaine Benes? Jerry: Well yes I did that's true. A couple of a guys I knew in the coastguard told me about her... and I sensed that she had the anger and intensity that I needed to make this film work. George: English. Does anybody speak English .Nobody speaks English. Kramer: So What scene are you ready to shoot now , Elaine? George: In this scene my co-star who's right over here ( goes over to George who is still on the phone) Follow meeeee... is George Costanza, he plays an airline pilot who's just returned from Rome and I'm about to show him how much I've missed him. Kramer: That's my Chinese food...So George is this your first movie with Elaine? George: (visibly disturbed) I...I..I dunno. Kramer: So Elaine in your movies is the sex real or is it simulated? Elaine: Oh. it's always simulated...except with George that's in my contract. George: All right, Kramer that's it...( pushes the camera) Hello . English. Does anyone speak English Kramer: (to the Chinese delivery boy) How much do I owe you? Ping: $15.90. Kramer: $15.90.? George: Huh. Excuse me (to Ping) Hum... Do you speak chinese? Ping: Chinese...Yeah. George: Look...humm..I'm on with Beijing with the hair restauration clinic. Could you talk to them for me and tell them I'd like to place an order. Ping: (sounds like) Gwen , Ayon. Wonche son thai gettin my chon fai yu.(looks at George and laughs) George: They got a billion people over there and he found a relative. Ping: Ah Fuka suma. If you send money they send cream. George: They send me? Aw right ..ask 'em Does it really work? Ping: Gym a gun sen tokomo. Chin che .They say you grow hair, Look a like Stalin George: Ask' em Are there any side effects? Ping: Dowe o futo yum... Impotence. ...( makes a just kidding gesture) George: Aw! Funny he's a funny guy. Ping: Get a money order from the Bank of China , be here three days after they get check. Ping: (continues his phone call) Ha Pachini fair pousher pousher mouist I fai chin fousher... Jerry: (as Ping rambles on ) ...S'cuse me (Ping looks up) Kind of an expensive call. Elaine: Thanks for driving me home. What did I do to deserve this? George: Yoohoo ,Plenty...Wh..wh..what are doing hum...you're going in? Elaine: Well ya. I guess so Why? You wanna do something? George: yeah...euh...I dunno What? Elaine: Pffft...there's really nothing to do. George: ( becoming more and more awkward) Yeah... Elaine: Do you think of anything?.. George: No, no...(mumbles) Elaine: I am up for anything. George: Really...(he honks the car and is startled, Elaine laughs)...I have to say...You were really good doing that porno thing...you're talented. Elaine: I was just kiddin, around.... George: I thought the thing you said about the sex not being simulated . That was really funny. Elaine: ( feeling awkward as well) Yeah! that was a...f...fun ..mmm?. George: So all right I'll speak to you through Jerry and everything. Elaine: Okay...Thanks a lot for the ride. Jerry: ..She was sitting at the table where I had my tape recorder...Okay great. Thanks again.. bye. HA Ha..Who do these women think they're dealing with? Did she think she was gonna leave this incredibly erotic message on my tape and I was just gonna let it go. Not Bloody likely... Kramer: What is that? Jerry: That's my cockney accent. Kramer: Naw ,na , that's no good. Jerry: Lets hear yours. Kramer: Not bloody likely.. Jerry: That's the worst cockney accent I've ever heard in my life.( George enters) Hey! Georgie boy , guess what I got. George: Guess, what I got. Jerry: Oh! Is that the bald stuff? George: From China. All the way from China. Kramer: Wait,wait wait...Let me get the camera. George: No Don't get the camera , we don't need the camera. Listen I know your skeptical , but I really believe in the Chinese. Jerry: Yes I am skeptical. George: Why do you have to be so suspicious of every one. This is a great man Zeng Zau, he wants to help bald people. Kramer: W..W..Wa...Wa..Wait..Wait wait.. Now lets videotape your head for the before picture, so we can watch how it grows and stuff. Sit down (George sits)...Lean back...A little bit to the right. Jerry: Make sure you get this area here, where he needs the help... George: All right, all right ( Goes to the bathroom) Kramer: He's a happy camper huh? Jerry: Happy camper , I don't hear that expression enough. Kramer: Remember that guy who took my jacket. The one I found at my mother's house. Jerry: Yeah. Kramer: My mother told me that he got arrested for mail fraud Jerry: No kidding? Kramer: He's in jail. Jerry: What happened to the jacket. Did he take it with him? Kramer: That's what I intend to find out. (George comes out of the bathroom and he's got white cream on his head) Jerry: You can see it. You gonna walk around like that? Kramer: It stinks. Can you smell that?...You stink. Jerry: How long are you suppose to leave it on for? George: All day. ( phone rings , Jerry picks up) Jerry: Hello. Elaine: It's Elaine Marie Benes. Jerry: Well Hello.. Elaine: Hello.. so did you ever find out who that woman was? Jerry: Yes , I got her number. George: Is that Elaine? Jerry: Yeah. George: HI ELAINE... Elaine: I guess you figure you're in for a pretty wild night? Jerry: Well , as I said this type of thing is very common in show business Elaine: Well listen I'm going to (?) do you want me to stop by? George: Did she say Hello? Jerry: What? I dunno. George: I mean , when I said Hello did she say Hello back? Jerry: I don't know , Who keeps track of Hellos. George: Isn't polite to say Hello when somebody says hello? Jerry: She's coming up. George: Elaine's coming up? Jerry: Yeah. What's wrong, why? ( George runs back to the bathroom) Kramer: How often do you cut your toe nails? Jerry: I would say every two and a half to eight weeks. Kramer: 'cos the other night , you know, I was sleeping with Marion I rolled over and I cut her ankle with my big toe. Jerry: The big toe; The captain. Kramer: What? Jerry: The captain of the toes. (phone rings) Hello. Elaine: Jerry...Jerry listen I got too much stuff this afternoon, I can't come over, forget it. Jerry: Okay...too bad. Elaine: So humm...When you gonna call her? Jerry: Soon as I get off the phone wih you. Elaine: Good luck. Jerry: okay , bye (to George) What happened , did you take it off? George: Yeah, that was enough. Jerry: That's it, you gave up? George: No No I'm working on a system...Who was that? Jerry: That was Elaine , she changed her mind. She's not coming over. Alicia: Hello. Jerry: Hello is this Alicia? .This is Jerry Seinfeld. Alicia: Yeah. Jerry: This is Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry: (to Kramer) ...( words missing)...laugh , everything's nice and at the end of the night I go for a little contact. I get the PULL BACK. This woman said the filthiest things I've ever heard in my life. I get the Pull Back. Jerry: Yeah.. George: It's George. Jerry: Come on up . (looks at his watch) ...What's he doing here now? Kramer: So , you blew it? Jerry: She must be psychotic or something. Kramer: Let me have her number. Jerry: I'm not giving you her number. Kramer: I know how to handle these psychotics. Jerry: Sheriff?....What's with the hat? Kramer: (George takes off the hat , he's got that cream on again) Pheeewwww! Boy! You stink. Jerry: What are doing here now? George: I have to talk to you about something . Kramer: All right lets take a look to see what we got ( examines George's head) Wait a second.. I think I see something here George. Lets go to the videotape. George: Aahh..No..No.. Jerry: What's up? George: I can't tell ya now , he's gonna be back in a ten seconds. Jerry: So just start it. George: I can't. Jerry: Oh! Come om . He'll be over there for a half hour, he gets lost over there. C'mon so what is this about? George: All right.....I've become attracted to Elaine.. Kramer: All right...Sit down George. George: Kramer, can we do this later.. Kramer: No, I got the tape right here. Jerry: Kramer, let's do this later. Kramer: (ignoring them) Now.. This is the tape that we made earlier and I think, that I see. a couple of buds right here. George: Really? ..You think. Jerry: Kramer. I would like to talk to George for a minute, please. Kramer: 'bout what? Jerry: It's kinda private. Kramer: Like the big toe captain.. George: So now you're doing my bits? Jerry: I'M NOT DOING YOUR BITS!! Kramer: Okay , all right. I'm gonna take a look at this huh!.( leaves) Jerry: Does she know? George: NO!! Jerry: How did it happen? George: I can't say. Jerry: Well, why can't you say it? George: Because I promised her. Jerry: I thought you just said she doesn't know?? George: She doesn't. Jerry: So how can you promise her? George: Because she asked me to. Jerry: What is this, an Abbott and Costello routine? George: All right You really want to know?...It all started when she told met hat...she was the voice on your tape recorder. Jerry: What, Elaine? George: Yeah! She made me promise not to tell you .It's supposed to be a joke. Jerry: (picks up the headphones) That was Elaine... George: Well let me hear...( they struggle for the headphones) Jerry: Wait a second. .Just give me a second George: You heard it fifty times already. Jerry: She's my ex-girlfriend I think I have precedence Jerry: Yeaaaah!!! Elaine: Hi, It's Elaine is this a bad time? George: (Yelling from the bathroom) Don't tell her anything, she'll kill me!! Jerry: Okay, Okay, I promise. (puts on the headphones again) Wow!!! Oh Man...Oh God.. Oh Brother...Whoooaaaa!! Whoaaaa (Elaine enters he takes them off rapidly) Elaine: (Concerned) What's the matter? Jerry: Oooh! I got a pain in my side. Elaine: (to George returning) Hi George. Something stinks in here.( George motions to Jerry, she nods) Jerry: What are you doing here? Elaine: I was the one who talked into your tape recorder. Jerry: I know, George told me. Elaine: You told him!!!! George: He..He threatened me. Jerry: Where did you come up with all that stuff? Elaine: That was nothing. George: Elaine.. I have to tell you something... Jerry: George NO!! George: No no no no no no no.. Jerry: George I'm telling ya.. Elaine: What is it? George: I'm very attracted to you.. Jerry: Aye... Kramer: I'VE FOUND A HAIR!!! Yes ( goes up to the video machine and inserts the tape) Hey, come here, come here ,take a look at this. George: Ever since I found out that you let that message on Jerry's tape recorder I... Kramer: Whoa!!!...That was you? Elaine: It was a joke... Kramer: Wait..( picks up the walkman) Oh my god...Oh yeah...Elaine , I can't believe that that is you. Elaine: Aah... ( she stares at the three of them all lined up like the Daltons, all looking at her with lust.) I think I'll get going... George: Heuh. huh. Stick around a while. Jerry: It's early. Kramer: We'll order Chinese.

George: Where'd you meet her? Jerry: I met her on an elevator. George: On an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator? Jerry: Impossible, right? George: You got less than sixty seconds. That's like dismantling a time bomb. What got into you? Jerry: I don't know. She was so beautiful, it was like a pure reflex. The words just came out of my mouth. George: Wow. What'd you say? Jerry: You know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England. George: Wow. Jerry: Can you believe I did that? George: What did she say? Isabel: What crop circles? Jerry: Not a good sign. George: Not everybody knows what the crop circles are. (to the newsstand owner) Do you know what the crop circles are? Newsstand Owner: Crop circles? Why don't you buy something? Jerry: You got something in your teeth there. George: What? Jerry: It's green. George: Oh, man, it's spinach! I've been walking around like this all afternoon. Jerry: Did you bump into anybody you knew? George: I had a job interview. Jerry: How'd it go? George: Take a guess. Interviewer: Well, Mr. Costanza, we have nothing available at the present time, but should anything open up, we'll be in touch. George: Ok, thanks. Jerry: What do you need a job, you got Audrey. George: Yeah, right. Jerry: What's the matter? George: Oh, nothing. Jerry: What? George: You won't think I'm a bad person? Jerry: Too late for that. George: 'Cause believe me, I would only say this to you and maybe a psychiatrist, maybe. Well, her nose is a little big. Jerry: Yeah, she's got a big nose. George: I mean, big would even be ok, a little beyond big. Jerry: It's a schnoz. George: Now, I'm aware that my own physical dimensions are perhaps a little short of perfection. Jerry: A little. George: So who am I to be thinking about someone's nose? I mean, I should be grateful someone like her even looks at me. I have no job, nothing. But I have to say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the nose. I don't ask to think about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed at night, I tell myself, 'Don't think about the nose, forget the nose,' but I think about it. I look at her, I see nose. Jerry: Stop being so concerned with looks. Jerry: Have you said anything to her about it? George: I could never do that. You know the ironic thing is if she had a smaller nose, I never could have gone out with her in the first place. She'd be out of my league with a smaller nose. And I really like her, I know that. And I know one other thing. I'm not getting past that nose. Jerry: Alright, shut up, here they come. George: (waving) How can I not think about it? Look at the size of this thing. Kramer: So my mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house so, you know, she gives it to me. Well, two years later he shows up and he takes it back. And now he's in prison. He got arrested for mail fraud. So Elaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell the landlord that you're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison. Elaine: Won't the landlord know I'm not the daughter? Kramer: No no, he's never met her. She's in California. Elaine: Are you coming with me? Kramer: Oh, yeah yeah, I have to. I'm your fianc, Peter Von Nostrand. George: Why don't you just commit yourself already? Audrey: What is so special about this jacket? Elaine: He believes it possesses some extraordinary power over women. Audrey: What's the smudge on your hand? Kramer: Oh, I got stamped at the reggae lounge last night. Yeah, I'm going back there tonight, you know, I'm not gonna pay another cover charge. George: What, you didn't wash all day? Kramer: Yeah, I washed, just not the hand. You wouldn't believe the women at this club. Ohh, man. Audrey: It's amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating. Kramer: Well, you're as pretty as any of them, you just need a nose job. Elaine: Kramer! Kramer: What? What? Elaine: How could you say something like that?! Kramer: What? What do you mean? I just said she needs a nose job. Elaine: No no, there's nothing wrong with her nose! I'm so sorry, Audrey. Audrey: No, it's ok. Elaine: What did you have to say that for? Kramer: Well, I was just trying to help out. Elaine: Yeah? Well, you can kiss that jacket goodbye, Mr. Von Nozzin. Kramer: You see what happens when you try to be nice? Audrey: Elaine said I could stay with her another month until Tina gets back. What are you thinking about? George: Thinking? Nothing. What could I possibly be thinking? Audrey: You look like you've got something on your mind. George: Oh, yeah, right. I wish I had something on my mind. (pregnant pause) So how about that Kramer, huh? Audrey: How about him? George: They way he just says stuff. Audrey: He sure does. George: Yeah. Yeah, he's quite a character. Audrey: So, what did you think? George: About the pizza? Audrey: No, about the nose job. George: Oh, the nose job. I don't know, what did you think? Audrey: Well, I've thought about it, but I don't know. George: Yeah. (another pause) Not that I care, one way or the other, but these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined. And again, I'm not suggesting. Audrey: I know, they're good. George: Peter Jennings had one. Audrey: Really? George: Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so... Audrey: Uh huh. George: It's really nothing, it's like going to the dentist. Audrey: I hate the dentist. George: It's a cleaning. Audrey: So you really think I should do this? George: If it makes you happy, I don't focus on these things. I will tell you this Unfortunately, we live in a very superficial society. I don't condone it, but it's a fact of life. Audrey: Well, maybe I should. George: What the hell. Elaine: (barging in) Aw, now you talked her into getting a nose job? George: Me? I didn't say anything. Elaine: You encouraged her to get one. George: I didn't encourage. No encourage. Elaine: Peter Jennings had one? George: It's possible. Elaine: Well, I think you should accept her for who she is. Audrey: No, George is right. I want to get one. Elaine: I think it's a mistake. George: Me too, really. Unless you'd really like to get one. George: I'm going straight to hell, no two ways about it. Jerry: Well, it might not be hell but you're gonna run into some bad dudes. George: (checking his watch) Hey, let's get the check, she's taking the bandages off at four o'clock. Jerry: We have time. George: It's exciting, isn't it? She's gonna have a whole new face. Jerry: It is exciting. George: Of course, not as exciting as miss crop circles, but... Jerry: Please, please, Isabel? She is the most despicable woman I have ever met in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win. George: You're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty. Jerry: Then what? George: He still wins but it's not a blowout. Jerry: She wants to be an actress. She makes me read these moronic acting scenes with her, and I do it because I'm so addicted to the sex, I'm helpless, I'll do anything. So finally Kramer comes in the other day. Jerry: (holding up a piece of paper) I don't want to see this woman anymore but I haven't got the will power to throw out her number. Please, help me. Help me. Kramer: (taking the paper and tearing it to pieces) I'm proud of you. Jerry: So I'm never gonna see her again, I'm going cold turkey. George: Good for you. Jerry: I'll tell you, the sex... I mean, I was like an animal. I mean it was just completely uninhibited. George: It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring. Jerry: It's not like that at all. Elaine: How do you even know the jacket is there? Kramer: Well I don't, I'm guessing. George: Okay, look, Audrey, before you take the bandage off just remember that I was the one that encouraged you to do this, you know? Now that you're gonna be a great beauty, let's not forget how this all began. You know, like if you'd listened to your friend, Elaine, Audrey: George? George: Yeah? Audrey: Enough. Jerry: Alright, are we ready? Come on, let's get this show on the road. Elaine: Are you sure you want us here for this? Audrey: Yes. Jerry: Shouldn't a doctor do it? Audrey: No, he said I could do it. Okay, here goes. George: Very exciting, very exciting, it's like watching a birth. Elaine: It looks good. Jerry: Great job. Kramer: You got butchered. Jerry: Let's put him over here. Kramer: (to a fleeing Audrey) Where are you going? Audrey: (with hand covering nose) To the doctor! Kramer: Wait, wait, wait, I'll go with you. Elaine: How ya feeling? George: Too much salt in my diet. Elaine: Can I get you anything? George: Nah, I'm good. Elaine: You sure? Anything? George: Mmm, no. Boy, it really didn't come out too well, did it? Elaine: No, it didn't. No, it didn't. George: It's like, all dented. Elaine: Seems to be. George: Well, I'm sure they'll be able to fix it. You can't stop modern science. Can't stop it, you can't stop it. Can't stop science. Can't be stopped, no way, no how, science just marches- Elaine: Shut up, George. George: Shut up? Elaine: Yeah. George: Interesting. Jerry: Come on, Kramer, seriously, give me her number! Kramer: I don't have it, I threw it out. Jerry: You're lying! You got it, I want that number! Kramer: I told you, I threw it out. Jerry: Give it to me! Kramer: You told me not to give it to you, you made me promise. Jerry: Well, I changed my mind, I want that number. Kramer: You said, no matter what you do or say, I'm not to give you the number. Jerry: I was lying, give it to me! Kramer: No, you told me not to! Jerry: I want that number! Kramer: Alright! (flinging pieces of torn paper to the ground) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (Jerry falls to the floor and starts arranging pieces) Look at you! Look at what you've sunk to! Look at what you've become! Look in the mirror, cause you need help, Jerry. You need help, because I can't stand by and do it anymore. It's turning my stomach! I can't stand around here watching you destroy yourself. It's eating me up inside! Audrey: The doctor said that they need to build the lateral wall of the septum. Over here... George: Yeah. Audrey: You see this perinasal sinus cavity? George: Oh, I got it. Audrey: You see how it's collapsing? That's what's causing this huge dent. George: Yeah, phew. Audrey: So anyway, George, do you know what I was thinking about? George: What? Audrey: Remember we talked about taking a trip together? George: We did? Audrey: Yeah, we talked about going to Hawaii? George: Hawaii? Audrey: Anyway, I think it would be great to get away after all this. George: (removing his glasses) You know, Hawaii could be a little tricky right now, there's a lot of high pressure winds down there this time of year, there's a lot of debris constantly flying around. Wood, and uh, lava, pretty dangerous. Audrey: I never heard that. George: Oh yeah. My friend lived there. Audrey: We could go to the Caribbean. George: You know, I have to tell you something. You couldn't get me on a plane right now. I get those FAA reports directly. My uncle sends them to me, he used to be a pilot, so. Big investigation in the, uh, what's the word there, uh, offing. It's in the offing. But, you know, you shouldn't let that stop you from going. You could go. I don't mind. Audrey: George, I don't think this is working. Isabel: Ever since you came back from the Army, you've changed. I swear Nelson, I don't even know who you are anymore. Jerry: I'm Nelson! Isabel: That's not the line, Jerry. Jerry: Alright, alright, I'm sorry. (reading) Nothing's changed, Alma, I just need more time. Isabel: I swear, Nelson, sometimes at night, when you're not around, I just go crazy thinking about you. Jerry: Well, you just need to relax. Maybe a hobby, bowling is fun. Isabel: Yeah, bowling's good if you're really gross and ugly. Jerry: (to himself Uh oh. My organs are playing chess again. Jerry'S Brain: Well I'm getting a little tired of this. What do you say we play one for all the marbles? Jerry'S Penis: Oh Brain, what are you doing? You cannot beat me. Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Forget about it! Jerry'S Brain: I can't take her anymore. I hate reading her stupid little acting scenes. Jerry'S Penis: Oh, so what? So you read from a little play. You can't put up with that for an hour to make me happy? You're so selfish. Give me one hour, then I will take over, you will not have to think for the rest of the night. Jerry'S Brain: What about tomorrow morning? Do you have any idea what that's like for me? Do you care? No, you don't care. So long as you get to do whatever it is you do. You disgust me. Jerry'S Penis: Oh, go read a book. Jerry'S Brain: Enough chatting, let's play. Elaine: You know the only reason I'm doing this is because you took Audrey to the hospital. Kramer: (filling a pipe) Yeah, yeah, ok, now uh, you're clear, you got everything? Elaine: Yeah. Kramer: Wait wait wait wait wait. (putting a ring on Elaine's finger) Here. Elaine: What do I need this for? Kramer: Because we're engaged. Elaine: We're engaged? Kramer: Um hm. Elaine: Kramer, this is too big. Kramer: (lighting his pipe) It's my mom's. Landlord: Hello? Elaine: Oh, uh, hi. I'm Wanda Pepper, I'm Albert Pepper's daughter. My father asked me to come here and pick up his jacket for him. Landlord: Oh, hello Miss Pepper, it's a pleasure to meet you. (To Kramer) And you must be Professor Von Nostrand? Kramer: Yes, yes I am. Landlord: I've read your book, Professor, and I was quite intrigued by it. Kramer: Uh, yes. Well, it's, uh, very intriguing. Landlord: Tell me, is it your contention that Shakespeare was an imposter? Kramer: My contention? Landlord: Yes, your contention. Kramer: Yes, that's my contention. Elaine: I heard him contend that. Landlord: It's too bad about your father. Elaine: Oh, it was a frame-up. Landlord: A fine man, he spoke often of you. He's very proud of the work you're doing. Elaine: Oh, well, we're all proud of the work I'm doing. Kramer: She does fine work. Landlord: Your father gave me strict orders not to turn the jacket over to anyone, but I suppose I can make an exception in your case. The closet's this way. Elaine: How kind of you. Landlord: You know, your father has a very extensive wardrobe. Jerry'S Brain: What's the matter, fella? You look a little tired. Ha ha ha ha ha! Isabel: Nelson, don't you see? You are a part of me, and I, I am a part of you. Jerry'S Penis: It's killing me. (Makes a move) Jerry'S Brain: That's your move? Jerry'S Penis: Yeah. Jerry'S Brain: Well that's trouble, my friend. That's big trouble. Checkmate! Jerry'S Penis: (beginning to cough and struggle) Getting weak... Losing power... You haven't seen the last of me. I'll be back. You're nothing without me. Nothing! Jerry'S Brain: (before disappearing himself) Punk. Jerry: Isabel, uh, I don't think this is working. Elaine: Daddy certainly does have an extensive wardrobe. Landlord: He is a fine dresser and I'm sure I don't have to tell you he's quite popular with the ladies. Elaine: My father, really? I had no idea. Landlord: Yes, they're crazy about him. There was one in particular, came around about two years ago, looked a lot like you, Professor. Could have been your mother. What was her name again? Carter? Kramer! That's it, Babs Kramer: You don't say? Elaine: I found it! Landlord: The woman used to walk around here half naked, sucking Colt 45 from a can. Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her knees, screaming down the hall, "Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy ape, and bring back that box of Danish!" Kramer: So I grabbed the guy by the collar. Elaine: Yeah, and I yelled out, Kramer! Kramer, you're killing him!" Jerry: So I assume the jig was up. Elaine: Yeah, pretty much. Audrey: Hi. Elaine: Hi! Jerry: Hey. Audrey: (to George) Hello. George: (smitten) Audrey? My god, you look incredible! I can't believe it! Audrey: (motioning to Kramer) Well, it was his doctor. He was wonderful. Elaine: So, will I see you later tonight? Audrey: Not sure. Kramer: (rising and putting his arm around Audrey's shoulder) Well, I'll check you guys out later. (To Audrey) Ready? Audrey: (holding up her hand to show the stamp) I didn't wash. Kramer: Neither did I. We're off to the Reggae Lounge. Elaine: (after they leave) Isn't she beautiful? Her nose is in such perfect proportion with the rest of her face. She's breathtaking! Who would have though she's like- George: (interrupting) Elaine. Shut up.

Jerry: How did you get fleas? George: Because my cousin's imbecile dog was rolling around outside and they got in his carpet. Jerry: Maybe you can get yourself a little bowtie flea collar. George: That's not funny. So, are you coming to the party? Jerry: I'd go, but Long Island, it's so far out, it smacks of desperation. The whole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me, "You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?" George: You know Ava's gonna be there. Jerry: Who? George: The nice one that works in my office. Jerry: Nah. George: I'll drive. Jerry: Oh, well, now you're talking. George: It's supposed to be a good party. Jerry: What does that mean, good dip? George: No, there'll be girls there. Jerry: There's girls everywhere. I go out of my apartment, there's girls in the elevator. They're in cafeterias, subways, so what? George: There's a hundred different things here. What's the difference between these two? (They each grab a box and check the ingredients) You got propylparabin? Jerry: Got it. George: You got isobutane-30? Jerry: I got isobutane-20. George: A-ha. Jerry: You got sorbitant sesquioliate? George: Got it. Jerry: I have aloe! George: You got aloe? I love aloe. Jerry: Where do they make yours? George: Jersey. Jerry: White Plains. Jerry: Girls. There's girls right here in the store. Look, look, there's one over there. Look, there's another one. Soon as I walk outside there'll be girls out there. What's the matter? George: I gave her a twenty, she only gave me change for a ten. Jerry: Are you sure? Oh boy, here we go. George: (to the cashier) Excuse me, I gave you a twenty dollar bill and you only actually gave me change for a ten. Cashier: You gave me a ten. George: I'm positive I gave you a twenty. Cashier: I know what you gave me. George: You owe me ten dollars. Cashier: Will you please step aside? Next? George: Alright, let's just examine the situation for a second. Who, in this situation, would be more likely to make a mistake? Me, who had access to my wallet, knew exactly what was in there? Or you- Cashier: You. George: No, no, no, see you're not really listening. Security Guard: What's the problem here? George: No problem. There's no problem. She just owes me ten dollars, that's all. Cashier: He's claiming short. Security Guard: Alright, let's just take it outside. George: Oh, so you don't believe me either? Security Guard: Come on, let's go. George: You haven't won. You may think you've won, but you haven't won. Do you know why? It's not over. This is not over. I'm not forgetting what's happening here. You have my ten dollars. I will get it back. Alright, don't worry. It's not over. I'm going now. Good bye. I will be back. Elaine: Well don't stand here, let's walk in, blend in, blend in. Jerry: No, let's survey first. Camp here. George: (waving Eva. Jerry: What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room. Ava: So, guess who just sold 129 West 81st. George: Oh no you didn't. Get out, when? Ava: Yesterday George: I don't believe it. Ava: Ask Mark. George: Mark, is this true? Jerry: Yeah, this has got disaster written all over it. Elaine: How did I ever let you talk me into this, I must have been out of my mind. Jerry: Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight. In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it. Elaine: How old are you? Jerry: Thirty-six. What's the signal? Howbout this? Chicken wing? No, no, no, I got a better one. Head patting. Elaine: Whatever you want. Guy: You came all the way out from Manhattan for this? Jerry: Yeah, yeah I did. Guy: So what do you do? Jerry: (Patting his head I'm a comedian. Guy: Are you? Lemme ask you something. Where do you get your material? Jerry: (still Patting) I hear a voice. Guy: What kind of voice? Jerry: A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator. Guy: How come you keep tapping your head. Jerry: It's a nervous tic. I'm on L-Dopa. Guy: On the other hand, you take a guy like George Washington Carver. The man devoted his whole life to the peanut. Imagine having so much passion for something. Guy: Ya know, people tell me I'm a funny guy. Guy: I've often wondered if he ever worked with the pecan. Elaine: Yeah, me too. Guy: Now is that considered a nut, because I know the cashew is a legume. George: How's it going? Jerry: Great, how about you? George: I can't believe what's happening here. She hasn't taken her hands off me all night. She was always friendly around the office, but that was it. Jerry: How do you account for this? George: I don't know, maybe a safe fell on her head. Jerry: Well, she obviously liked you all along. George: No, I would have picked up on it. I can always tell when a woman likes me, they always somehow let you know. With me, they could torture me, I wouldn't tell them. If anything I'd try to make them think I don't like them, then they think, "Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking at me, he must have something going for him." Jerry: Anyway, I'm ready to go. George: Now? Jerry: If not now, when? George: Gimme a half-hour. Jerry: Okay, half-hour. Guy: Peanut brittle, peanut butter, peanut oil... Jerry: (interrupting) Can I talk to you for a second? Elaine: Oh, excuse me. (gets up to talk with Jerry) What have you been doing, I've been smacking myself senseless. People think I'm a mental patient. Jerry: Hey, I was dying over there. Elaine: This guy's going off on the peanut. Now pay attention. Ellen: Yeah, I think I've seen you in a club. You talk about a lot of everyday things, right? Jerry: Right. Ellen: Yeah, I remember you. Woman: I wonder what happened to my fianc. I know he's here somewhere. Ellen? Have you seen my fianc? Ellen: He's upstairs. Woman: Are you going upstairs? Tell my fianc I'm looking for him. I havelost my fianc, the poor baby. Elaine: Maybe the dingo ate your baby. Woman: What? Elaine: The dingo ate your baby! Jerry: You ready? George: Listen, I have a tremendous favor to ask. Jerry: I do favors. George: I think something's happening here. Jerry: What? George: I think she wants me to take her home. Jerry: Wow. George: What should I do? Jerry: Go! What could you do? George: What about you and Elaine? Jerry: We'll get a ride. George: Are you sure? Jerry: We'll be fine, what did she say? George: She told me she wants- (Pauses until a woman coming down the stairs passes) She told me she wants me to make love to her. Jerry: What? She said that? George: Yeah. Jerry: Get out of here. George: I swear. Jerry: What did you say? George: I, I, I can't. Jerry: What did you say? George: Please, it's- Jerry: What? George: I... I... I long for you. Jerry: I long for you? George: I was so shocked I was lucky I said anything. Jerry: It's okay, that's not bad. George: I don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her. Jerry: Really? George: That's a lot of pressure. Make love to me. What am I, in the circus? What if I can't deliver? Jerry: Oh, come on. George: I can't perform under pressure. That's why I never play anything for money, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my office, can you imagine? She goes around telling everyone what happened? Maybe I should cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this. Jerry: George, you're thinking too much. George: I know, I know, I can't stop it! Elaine: Well, right now I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing. Jerry: (walking up) Pendant? Those bastards. Elaine: Excuse me. Jerry: Listen, George is going home with this Ava from his office Elaine: Really? Huh. What a world. So we can go now? Jerry: Uh, no, he's taking the car. Elaine: Well, what are we gonna do for a ride? Jerry: I don't know. Elaine: You don't know? Jerry: Maybe Kramer can come pick us up. Elaine: Oh great, oh, this is great. How could you let him take the car? Jerry: There's nothing I could do, it's part of the code. Elaine: (noticing Ava in a fur) Oh look at that. Look at what she's wearing. You see what she's wearing? Jerry: Yeah, yeah, alright. Elaine: I can't believe she's walking around in that. Jerry: Just don't make a scene. Elaine: Hey, is that real fur? Jerry: Oh boy. Ava: It better be or my ex-husband owes me an explanation. George: Yeah, good night. Elaine: You don't care that innocent defenseless animals are being tortured so that you can look good? George: Could we talk about this some other time? Ava: Are you a vegetarian? Jerry: Here we go. Elaine: Yeah, I eat fish occasionally. Ava: So you're a hypocrite. George: Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect. Anyway- Ava: Well, talk to me when you stop eating fish. Elaine: Fish don't feel any pain. Ava: How do you know? Do you communicate with fish? Elaine: Well, they're not kept in little cages. Ava: Ever seen a goldfish? George: Goldfish. Elaine: Yeah, yeah I've seen goldfish. They're not unhappy. Ava: Oh yeah, right. Swim around in a bowl for two weeks and get flushed down the toilet, that's a good life. (To George) Let's go. Elaine: Oh yeah, that's right. Go ahead, go ahead, maybe you can run over a squirrel! George: That's why we're here in America. Jerry: You're beautiful. Elaine: Call Kramer. Jerry: Alright. (Approaches host) Excuse me, this is your party, right? Steve: No, I just live here. Jerry: Can I use your phone? Steve: What's in it for me? Jerry: A bigger bill? Steve: He he, go for it. Jerry: Krame? Sein. What are you doing? Well, I'm stuck out here on Long Island. What are your thoughts about taking a ride? You sure? Okay, but don't leave me hanging here. Okay, great. Let me give you directions. Elaine: You sure you don't need any help? Jenny: No, not really. Jerry: I'm sure he'll be here any minute. Jenny: (To Steve) I want them out of here. Elaine: Call him again. Jerry: I called, what should I do? (To Jenny) We really appreciate this. Jenny: (To Steve) It's two o'clock in the morning. Jerry: (noticing a coffee table book) Oh, you got the Civil War book. I saw some of that show, it was wonderful. Elaine: Six hundred and twenty million people died. Jerry: Thousand. Elaine: Thousand. Six hundred and twenty thousand. The horror, the horror. (To Jerry) The wife keeps giving us dirty looks. Are you sure you gave him the right directions? Jerry: Yes. (To Jenny) You're sure there's nothing we can do? Jenny: No! (To Steve) I am not going to bed with them in our house, this is ridiculous. Jerry: You know a friend of my father's used to live right around here. Mike Wichter. He sold plastic straws. You know the ones? You could bend them. Elaine: Have you noticed, people don't use straws as much as they used to for some reason. Jenny: You know, it doesn't look as if your friend is coming. Jerry: Oh, he's coming. Jenny: Maybe you should take a look at a train schedule. Jerry: That's him. Jenny: I'm going to bed! Elaine: Thanks a lot. Jerry: Thanks, great party. Kramer: Hey, how ya doing? Steve: Ah, look who's here. Kramer: I'm sorry. Jerry: Hey, it's okay. Kramer: I had the directions on the seat right next to me, they flew out the window. Elaine: Then how did you find the place? Kramer: Well I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway, and I thought that the address was 8713 Riviera Drive. Uh uh, so I drove around knocking on everybody's doors that had those numbers; 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837, whoo. Finally, I hit it. 8173. Jerry: Anyway, thanks a lot for letting us stay here, Steve, I really owe you one. Steve: No problem. Jerry: And if you're ever in the city, you know, you want to come to a comedy club, whatever. Steve: Hey, I might take you up on that. Jerry: (writing) Here's my address and number. And really, thanks again. Kramer: (to Elaine) You better zip up. I couldn't get the top on the convertible up. Elaine: But it's cold out. Kramer: Yeah, wait till we get on the Expressway. Jerry: George, I've been sick all week. Elaine was too. Eighty miles an hour, forty degree temperature for fifty minutes. Do the math. Yeah, maybe I will get out. Hey, let me just stop off at the drug store first. Okay, meet me down there in fifteen minutes then we'll go do something. Yeah, Selwyn's. Okay bye. Jerry: Who is it? Voice: Mr. Pocatello. Jerry: Who? Voice: You mean you don't recognize my voice? Steve: Jerry, baby! Jerry: Do I know you? Steve: Boy this comedy's really frying your brain. Jerry: I'm sorry, uh- Steve: See, this is the kind of lasting impression I make on people. Jerry: Oh, okay. Steve: You said if I was ever in the city, I'm in the city. Jerry: You certainly are. What's going on? Steve: I'm just waiting for a lift back to the island, he won't be ready until eleven, so I figured I'd give you a break. I thought I'd see what it was like to hang out with someone in show business. Jerry: Listen, I'm really sorry but I'm just on my way out to meet a friend. Steve: Oh, come on, you can come up with something better than that. Jerry: No, really, I just got off the phone with him. Steve: I understand. Jerry: Look, you can hang out here if you want. Steve: Don't be so enthusiastic. Jerry: No, it's- Steve: I'm not gonna steal anything. Jerry: No, of course not, just close the door when you leave. Steve: I think I can do that. Jerry: Really, I'm sorry. Maybe another time. Steve: Yeah. Let's have lunch. Jerry: They guy's in my house right now. What a mistake that party was, I never should have gone. George: Yeah, me either. Jerry: Oh, come on. George: What come on? Have you ever dated a woman that worked in your office? Jerry: I've never had a job. George: You know the anxiety you feel on a date? That's what I have every day now. My worst nightmare's come true, every day is a date. Jerry: That's one of Dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it? George: Ava was one of the reasons I used to like going to work, she was a friend. Now we sleep together and suddenly, I don't know how to talk to her. Every time I go to the bathroom I pass her desk. I have to plan little patter. I spend half my day writing. Then afterwards, I sit in my office and analyze how it went. If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom for the rest of the day. I see her laughing and talking with other people, they're all so loose and relaxed, I think, 'that used to be me. I want to go back there again.' Jerry: What are you gonna do? George: I have no choice, I'm quitting. Kramer: The party, Long Island? Steve: Kramer, right? Kramer: Hey, what are you doing here? Steve: I'm waiting for my ride. Kramer: Where's Jerry? Steve: He split. Let me ask you something. Is there anything to drink in here or is that, like, a stupid question? Kramer: Well, Jerry, he doesn't have anything. (Sensing Steve's disappointment) Well, but I might have something. Jerry: Alright, I'm gonna get this. This looks good. George: How much is that? Jerry: Nine sixty. George: Nine sixty? Give it to me. Jerry: Why? George: Don't worry, I got it. Jerry: What do you mean, you got it? George: I got it. Jerry: Since when are you treating me to medicine? What are you doing? You're stealing this, aren't you? George: I'm not stealing it. They owe me ten dollars. They stole from me. Jerry: You're a lunatic. George: I have to do this, it's a matter of honor. Jerry: What do you say to a person like you? George: Just walk. Jerry: Oh. Security Guard: Scuse me. What do you got there? George: What? Security Guard: What do you got in your shirt? George: Oh, I was gonna pay for this. Security Guard: (grabbing George by the elbow and walking him to the counter) Come with me. George: (nervous) Where are you taking me? I was gonna pay for it. Cashier: um-hmm. Security Guard: You don't think I remember you? George: (more nervous) What are you talking about? Security Guard: I know who you are, I was watching you. George: (panicky) What are you gonna do? Are you gonna call the police? Jerry: Can I still buy this or is this evidence now? Kramer: So, I'm chasing these doves down the street and she's screaming at the top of her lungs, and then when the magician comes back from Europe, two of them turned brown! Well I followed the instructions! Steve: (hysterical) Ah, they turned brown!! Brown!! (the laughter winds down) So let me ask you something, you know any women we could call? Kramer: Not really. Steve: Maybe we should call one of those escort services. I saw one of them advertised before on the cable station. Kramer: (handing Steve the phone) 555-LOVE. Steve: Hey, you want in on this? Kramer: No, I got a girl in the next building Voice: Now I want my money, mister, and I ain't leaving until I get it. Now I am through playing games with you, I got things to do. Steve: (drunk and slurring) Oh Jerry! Jerry! Look who's here, it's Jerry Jerry: What the hell? Steve: Jerry, this is Patti. Jerry: Nice to meet you. Patti: It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, I'm sure. Jerry: What the hell is going on here? Steve: I don't know, but I gotta do this more often. (The buzzer goes off) Ooh, there's my ride, finally. Patti: I'm not gonna go anywhere until I get the rest of my money. Steve: See ya, Jerr. And tell Kramer thanks and I'll call him tomorrow. Jerry: Oh, Kramer huh? Steve: Yeah, he's a hoot. Oh, goodbye, my dear. (trying to kiss Patti's hand as she pulls it away) Ouch. (To Jerry) Weekend of the 26th, come on out, we're having another party. Patti: I ain't leaving. Jerry: Patti? Patti: You got anything to drink? Jerry: Alright, how much does he owe you? Patti: Fifty dollars. Jerry: (taking out his wallet and handing over bills grudgingly) Fifty dollars. Cop: This your apartment? Jerry: Yeah, but- Cop: You're under arrest for solicitation of prostitution. Jerry: Wait a second, I- Elaine: I brought you chicken soup. (To Patti) Is that real fur? Jerry & Cop: Oh boy. George: You had Sgt. Chadway? Me too. Jerry: He was a nice guy. George: Oh, great guy. Jerry: Was there a red-headed guy there? George: The one with the long sideburns? Jerry: Yeah. George: Where does he come off? Jerry: Yeah, I know. There's no call for that kind of attitude. George: One of the guys in my cell threw a piece of gum at him. Jerry: Oh, we all hated him.

Jerry: Do you believe this? The car was parked right out front. George: Was the alarm on? Jerry: I don't know, I guess it was on. I don't know my alarm sound; I'm not tuned in to it like it's my son. George: I don't understand, how do these thieves start the car? Jerry: They cross the wires or something. George: Cross the wires? I can't even make a pot of spaghetti. Jerry: They stole my car. Kramer: Who did? Jerry: They did. Kramer: Was it more than just one? Jerry: What should I do, should I call the police? Kramer: What are they gonna do? Jerry: I'd better call the car phone company, cancel my service. George: Maybe you should call your car phone. Jerry: Yeah, he's probably driving it right now. George: Wait a minute, call the car phone, see what happens. Jerry: Are you serious? George: Yeah, go ahead, call. Jerry: I don't even know if I remember the number. Jerry: What do I say if he picks up? Car Thief: Hello? Jerry: Hello? Is this 555-8383? Car Thief: I have no idea. Jerry: Can I ask you a question? Car Thief: Sure. Jerry: Did you steal my car? Car Thief: Yes I did. Jerry: You did?! Car Thief: I did. Jerry: That's my car! Car Thief: I didn't know it was yours. Jerry: What are you gonna do with it? Car Thief: I dunno, drive around. Jerry: Then can I have it back? Car Thief: Mmmm, nah, I'm gonna keep it. Kramer: Hello? Car Thief: Yeah, who's this? Kramer: Kramer. Car Thief: Hello, Kramer. Kramer: Listen, there's a pair of gloves in the glove compartment. Car Thief: Wait, hold on... Brown ones? Kramer: Yeah. Listen, could you mail those to me? Or bring them by my building, it's 129 West 81st St. Car Thief: One-two-nine, okay. Kramer: Thanks a lot, uh here's Jerry. Jerry: (derisively at Kramer) Gloves. (Into the phone) Hello? Car Thief: Jerry? Jerry: Yeah, let me ask you a question. How do you cross those wires? Car Thief: I didn't cross any wires, the keys were in it. Jerry: Sid left the keys in the car. Alright, I gotta go. Drive carefully. Car Thief: Jerry, when's the last time you had a tune-up? Because I can't find the- Jerry: Sid left the keys in the car. George: Who's Sid? Jerry: He's this guy in the neighborhood, parks cars on the block. George: What do you mean? Jerry: He moves them from one side of the street to the other so you don't get a ticket. George: What, do you pay him for that? Jerry: Yeah, like fifty bucks a month. George: How many people does he do that for? Jerry: The whole block, forty, fifty cars. Kramer: He only works three hours a day. He makes a fortune. Course he's been doing that for years, right Jerry? George: Could anybody do that? Jerry: Hey Sid, what happened? Sid: I'm sorry, Jerry. Maybe I'm getting too old for this stuff. Jerry: You left the keys in the car? Sid: Well, you know they're making that Woody Allen movie in the block, and all those people and trucks everywhere, when I saw him I must have got a little distracted. Kramer: You know I'm in that movie? George: You are? Kramer: Yeah, I'm an extra. George: How'd you get that? Kramer: Well, I was just watching them film yesterday and some guy just asked me. George: Right out of the clear blue sky? Kramer: Clear blue sky! George: Well, why didn't they ask me? Kramer: I got a quality. Sid: Jerry, you got insurance, right? Jerry: Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one. Sid: Well I'm going down to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday, for a week, so I can't park it. Jerry: This Wednesday? Sid: No, next Wednesday, week after this Wednesday. Jerry: But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday. Sid: If I meant this Wednesday, I would have said this Wednesday. It's the week after this Wednesday. George: Sid, who's gonna move the cars while you're away? Sid: Whoever wants to move them, why do I care who moves them? They can move themselves if they want. George: Maybe I could move them until you get back. Sid: What's a young man like you want to move cars for? You don't work? George: I'm in a transition phase right now. Sid: Well if you want to move the cars, move the cars. Just don't forget to take the keys out, that's all. Jerry: Hello? Yeah, the defroster's the one on the bottom, just slide it all the way over. You're welcome. Elaine: I'm in awe of his intellect, when he talks it sounds like he's reading from one of his novels. Jerry: Owen March, I never heard of him. Elaine: Well, he's not a baseball player. Jerry: Yeah, that's true. Well it sounds like it's going pretty good. Elaine: Yeah. Well, there is one little problem. Jerry: What's that? Elaine: He's sixty-six years old. Rental Car Agent: Next please. Elaine: Well, go, go. Rental Car Agent: Can I help you? Name please? Jerry: Seinfeld. I made a reservation for a mid-size, and she's a small. I'm kidding around, of course. Rental Car Agent: Okay, let's see here. Jerry: Sixty-six years old? Elaine: Yeah, well, he's in perfect health. He works out, he's vibrant. You'd really like him. Jerry: Why do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would I like him? Elaine: What do you think, would you go out with a sixty-six year old woman? Jerry: Well, I'll tell you, she would have to be really vibrant. So vibrant, she'd be spinning. Rental Car Agent: I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment. Jerry: I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation? Rental Car Agent: Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars. Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation. Rental Car Agent: I know why we have reservations. Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them. Rental Car Agent: Let me, uh, speak with my supervisor. Jerry: Uh, here we go. The supervisor. You know what she's saying over there? Elaine: What? Jerry: Hey Marge, you see those two people over there? They think I'm talking to you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you start talking. Elaine: Oh, you mean like this? So it looks like I'm saying something but I'm not really saying anything at all? Jerry: Now you say something else and they won't yell at me 'cause they thought I was checking with you. Elaine: Okay, that's it. I think that's enough, see you later. Rental Car Agent: I'm sorry, my supervisor says there's nothing we can do. Jerry: Yeah, it looked as if you were in a real conversation over there. Rental Car Agent: But we do have a compact if you would like that. Jerry: Fine. Rental Car Agent: Alright. We have a blue Ford Escort for you Mr. Seinfeld. Would you like insurance? Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna beat the hell out of this car. Rental Car Agent: Please fill this out. Elaine: What do you think, you think I'm making a big mistake? Jerry: Hey, if you enjoy being with him, that's what's important. Elaine: I love being with him. I mean, I like being with him. It's okay being with him. Elaine: I just don't enjoy being with him. Jerry: Well that's what's important. Elaine: I'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's around the corner, do I have to break up with him face to face or can I just wait and do it over the phone? Jerry: How many times you been out with him? Elaine: Seven? Jerry: Face to face. Elaine: Seven dates is a face-to-face break up? Jerry: If it was six I could have let you go, but seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex. Elaine: Hmm... How's the pasta over there? Kramer: Whoa, whoa!! Jerry: What is going on out there? George: I need like a bucket of water! I got a car overheating, I got an alarm that won't go off, I'm pressing 'one', I'm pressing 'two', nothing! What do I do?! Help me! Help me! Kramer: Hey, you know they were supposed to do my scene today? Elaine: Today?! Kramer: You know they told me that they wanted me to walk down the block carrying this bag of groceries. Elaine: Yeah. Kramer: So I start to walk, and I trip, and the grocery bag goes flying, and Woody, Woody starts laughing. Elaine: He was laughing?! Kramer: Oh yeah, he was drinking something, it started to come out of his nose. Jerry: So then what? Kramer: I got a line in the movie! Elaine: Get out! Jerry: That's great! George: You got a line in the Woody Allen movie? Kramer: Pretty good, huh? George: You're in the movie? Is he in the scene? Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah, it's me and him. I might have a whole new career on my hands, huh? Jerry: You mean *a* career. Elaine: So was Mia Farrow there? Kramer: Uh, I didn't see him. Elaine: What's your line? Kramer: Oh, well uh, okay I'm there with, uh, Woody, you know, I'm at this bar and, uh, I'm sit- you know it's Woody Allen, did I mention that? Kramer: So I'm sitting there with Woody and I say, I turn to him and I go, "Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty." George: Is that how you're gonna say it? Kramer: No, no, I'm working on it. Elaine: Do it like this. "These pretzels are making me thirsty." Jerry: No. "These pretzels are making me thirsty." Kramer: No, no. See, that's no good. See, you don't know how to act. George: "These pretzels are making me thirsty!!" George: That was no good? Kramer: I didn't say anything. Elaine: I'm gonna go break up with Owen. George: What was wrong with that? I had a different interpretation! Do you know anything about this pretzel guy?! Maybe he's been in the bar a really long time and he's really depressed because he has no job and no woman and he's parking cars for a living! (out the window to honking cars) Alright! Alright! Shut up! Shut up! I hear you! I'm coming down! These pretzels are making me thirsty! Jerry: Oh my god. Elaine: Call an ambulance. Jerry: Boy, he took it hard. Elaine: We were walking down the block right by your house and I was just about to break up with him then all of a sudden he started to twitch. Jerry: (on the phone) Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance at one twenty nine west Eighty-first Street, apartment five-A. Elaine: Tell then to hurry! Hurry! Jerry: (To Elaine) It's an ambulance. (To the operator) I don't know but he's unconscious. Kramer: These pretzels are making me thirsty. (He bites into a pretzel.) Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty. Jerry: Kramer. Kramer: What happened here? Elaine: I don't know, I don't know, what should we do? We called an ambulance, does anyone know first aid? Jerry: Shouldn't you do something with the extremities? Elaine: What extremities? Kramer: What's an extremity? Jerry: You raise the feet, get blood to the head. Kramer: You raise the head, you get blood to the feet. Elaine: Okay, what about a cold compress? They always do that. Jerry: I don't have a washcloth. Elaine: Well use a paper towel. Jerry: You can't put a paper towel on his head. Kramer: What about a big sponge? Jerry: How you gonna hold it on there? Kramer: Use a belt. Elaine: No no no no no, that'll, it'll drip all over him. Jerry: Should we walk him around? Elaine And Kramer: (at the same time) Yes, yes. Kramer: Yeah, I've seen them do that. Jerry: No, no that's for a drug overdose. Kramer: Maybe that's what he's got. Elaine: No no no no, Kramer, I just had lunch with him, he didn't leave the table. Kramer: Well he could have dropped acid when you weren't looking. Elaine: He is not a drug addict! Jerry: Hey, you know what? Maybe he's a diabetic, he might just need a cookie or something. Elaine: A cookie! Kramer: Can you give him a cookie? Elaine: How's he gonna chew it? Jerry: We'll move his teeth, it happened to my uncle, the sugar revived him. Elaine: Careful, you're getting crumbs all over him. Kramer: I got him chewing but I don't think he's gonna swallow. Elaine: You know what, let's put a few cookies in a blender and he could drink it. Jerry: Cookies don't liquefy. Elaine: Yes they do, you can liquefy a cookie. Kramer: Alright I'll get a blender. Jerry: What blender? I don't have a blender. Kramer: You got a blender. Jerry: I would know if I had a blender. Elaine: Where is the ambulance?! Jerry: (on phone) Hello, yes, I called for an ambulance like thirty-five minutes ago. Elaine: I can't believe what's going on out here. Jerry: This is an emergency, what's taking so long? (the door buzzer buzzes) Wait a second, maybe that's them. (presses button) Hello? Voice: Paramedics. Jerry: Come on up. Okay, they're here. Elaine: He seems to be breathing. Jerry: Ya know, I gotta tell you, he's a pretty good-looking guy. Elaine: I know. Jerry: Those eyebrows could use a trimming, you ever mention that to him? Elaine: Almost. Jerry: Hey, look at this, c'mon, running wild there. Elaine: It's not an easy thing to bring up. Jerry: Yeah, that's true. Elaine: Aw, you should see his bathrobe, man, it's all silk. Jerry: Yeah? Does he wear slippers? I bet he wears slippers. Elaine: He does, how'd you know that? Jerry: I could tell. Elaine: What happened, what took you so long?! Paramedic: We got here twenty minutes ago but we couldn't move, the whole intersection is gridlocked, I've never seen anything like it. So finally we make the turn and this guy who's running around triple-parking cars slammed into us with a blue Escort. Jerry: Blue Escort? That's my rent-a-car! George: Oh man. Jerry: What happened to the car? George: Sorry, you don't know what's going on out there! (looks at Owen) Who's he? Elaine: This guy I'm seeing. George: What happened? Jerry: We don't know! Paramedic: Who put cookies in his mouth? Jerry And Elaine: Cookies? Paramedic: You're not supposed to do that. Jerry: So how'd you hit the car? George: I was moving it across the street, I looked up and I saw Woody Allen and I got all distracted. Jerry: It's not even my car, it's a rental. Kramer: What are you doing out there?! You're holding up the production of the movie! We can't shoot and Woody, he's really mad at you. George: Woody mentioned me? What did he say? Kramer: He said, 'Who's the moron in the blue jacket who's got the street all screwed up?' George: Should I apologize to Woody? Kramer: Alright, I'll tell you what. Next time I talk to him, maybe I'll bring it up. I'll feel him out. Sid: Now you didn't tell me you didn't know how to drive. You should have mentioned that. George: Well I know how to drive. Sid: Then how'd all those cars get damaged? Why are people calling me up screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me. Jerry: Can I get anybody anything? Sid: Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's putting your pants on? George: I put my pants on, Sid. Sid: I don't believe you. If you can put your pants on, you can move those cars. George: Well I don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants. Sid: Who's gonna send money to my sister in Virginia? Her little boy needs surgery on his foot. Now he'll be walking around with a limp because you can't park a few cars. George: Maybe I could call my father. Kramer: Hey, you seen the paper yet? Jerry: Interestingly enough, no, inasmuch as it is my paper. Kramer: Yeah. There's an article in there about that writer. Jerry: (reading) Owen March, prominent author and essayist suffered a stroke yesterday in the upper West Side apartment of a friend. Kramer: Uh huh, that's the guy that was here. You're the friend. Jerry: (continuing) The extent of the damage would have been far less severe had paramedics been able to reach him sooner. Sid: Oh lord. Jerry: (finishing) The commotion also delayed production of a Woody Allen movie that was shooting up the block. A spokeswoman for the legendary filmmaker said that Mr. Allen was extremely agitated and wondered if his days of shooting movies in New York were over. Elaine: Five seconds. Jerry, I was five seconds away from breaking up with him. Five seconds. The next words out of my mouth were, 'Owen, it's over.' Jerry: Can he communicate? Elaine: Yeah, well, he nods. And I think he understands me, he seems to enjoy it when I read to him. Jerry: Alright, she's free. (Steps up to the counter) Hi, I called before, uh, my car got smashed. Elaine: So listen, what should I do? I mean if I break up with him now it'll look like I'm abandoning him because of his condition, I'll be ostracized from the community. Jerry: What community? There's a community? Elaine: Of course there's a community. Jerry: All these years I'm living in a community, I had no idea. Rental Car Agent: Sir the estimate on the damage to your car is two thousand eight hundred and sixty-six dollars. Jerry: Hmm, well, I got the insurance and everything so... Rental Car Agent: Yes, now, uh, in your report you said that you were not the driver of the car at the time of the accident. Jerry: That is right, somebody else was driving. Rental Car Agent: Alright, well, sir, you're only covered for when you're driving the car. Jerry: Uh huh, what's that? Rental Car Agent: You're not covered for other drivers. Jerry: Other drivers? Rental Car Agent: Um hm. Jerry: Your whole business is based on other drivers. It's a rented car. That's who's driving it, other drivers. Doesn't my credit card cover me or something? Rental Car Agent: Not that particular one. Jerry: Well I got a hundred cards, here, pick a card, take a card, any card you want, go ahead, whichever one, I don't care. Rental Car Agent: Sir, if you had read the rental agreement- Jerry: Did you see the size of that document? It's like the Declaration of Independence, who's gonna read that? Rental Car Agent: Mr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now, you are not covered for that damage and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about that. Jerry: These pretzels are making me thirsty. Elaine: Ahh, it's good, isn't it? Yankee Bean. Why Yankee Bean, huh? Don't they have beans in the south? I mean if you order Yankee Bean in the south, are they offended? Huh? (singing) Yankee Bean, Yankee Bean, I like my Yankee Bean. (she puts the bowl down and wipes Owen's mouth with a napkin) Owen, I think we have to talk. I mean, uh, *I* have to talk. It would be nice if *we* could, but, uh, whatever. Um, don't get me wrong, I like coming here, and uh, feeding you and cleaning a little, and paying your bills, that's good stuff. Good stuff! I have a wonderful time when I'm with you, wonderful! But at this point in my life, I'm not really sure that I'm ready to make a commitment to one person. I'm just not really sure that we have enough in common. For example, I like running in the park, bicycling, roller skating, tennis and skiing, and um, well, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you now, Owen, it's a bitch to get here. It's two subways. I have to transfer at Forty-second Street to take the double-R. Anyway, I mean, this doesn't mean we can't be friends. These pretzels are making me thirsty. Elaine: Can you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor? Jerry: An overdose of odor? Good question. George: Do I smell? Elaine: No no no no, I was just down on the forty-second street subway today, it is disgusting. Guess who I bumped into. Owen. Jerry: Ahh. George: He's alright? Elaine: Yeah, he's almost fully recovered. He told me he was just using me for sex. Jerry: Let me get that. George: No no no, I got it. Jerry: Please. George: No come on, let me, let me. I smashed your car, it cost you over two thousand dollars, Jerry: (sarcastically) Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover it. Jerry: What are you doing here? Kramer: I got fired from the movie. George: Get out of here, why? Kramer: Well, you know they were gonna shoot it today, and uh, we rehearsed it twice, then Woody yells 'Action!' and I turn to him and I say, 'These pretzels are making me thirsty' and I took a swig of beer, ya know, and I slammed the glass down on the bar and it shattered. Elaine: Aww. Kramer: Well, one of the pieces must have hit Woody. He started crying. And he yells out, 'I'm bleeding' and he runs off. Anyway, this woman, she came up to me and she says, 'You're fired.' Boy I really nailed that scene. Jerry: Aw, wait a-. Oh. Oh, for crying out loud.

Jerry: I'm sorry it's gotta be a little bit of a scary place to work. I don't know how you feel about it. You want to be standing there having people comming in all day going "I need knives. I need more knives. Do you have any bigger knives? I'd like a bigger knife, a big, long, sharp knife, that's what I'm in the market for. I like them really sharp. Do you have one with hooks and gouges like blades and kind of serrated? That's the kind of knife I'm looking for. I need one I can throw. I need another one I can just hack away with. Do you have anything like that? Jerry: Oh yeah, like you know what you're talking about. George: Like you do. Jerry: Well what do you think? They put the statue on a giant raft and a tugboat pulled it all the way from France? George: What do you think? The brought it over in pieces and screwed it together like a coffee table? Jerry: I don't know. It's too early for a Christmas party isn't it? George: Why did France give that to us anyway? Jerry: It was a gift. George: So countries just exchange gifts like that? Jerry: If they like each other. George: There's Elaine. Jerry: See that guy he's talking with? That's her new boyfriend. George: Really? They work here in the office? Jerry: Yeah. They're having a little fling so don't say anything. George: Who am I going to tell? My mother? Like I've got nothing better to talk about. Jerry: You don't. He's a recovering alcoholic. George: Really? Jerry: Yeah. He's been off the wagon for two years. George: "Off the wagon"? Jerry: I think it's off the wagon. George: I think it's "on the wagon". Elaine: Jerry, George, what are you doing here? Jerry: What am I doing here? Ba-boom (holding out a present) Elaine: *gasp* My god! My watch! You found my watch! (pushing Jerry) Jerry: Hey keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for you. Elaine: Where did you find it? Jerry: Under the sofa cushion. Elaine: And you stopped by just to give it to me? Jerry: It's your Christmas present. Elaine: I though I'd never find it. George: Well today's your lucky day. Elaine: No. Today's *your* lucky day. George: It will be my first one. Elaine: You want to work here? George: Huh? Elaine: Yeah one of the readers left and there's a job opening. Dick, this is Jerry and this is George. Dick: Hi nice to meet you. Is this the guy? Jerry: "The guy?" Elaine: (softly to Dick) Dick. George: How can you just get it? Elaine: My boss told me to find someone. I'm in charge of it. All you have to do is meet him. Come on. Come on, come on, here hold my drink. Jerry: Cranberry juice? Elaine: And vodka. Dick: I got the cranberry juice. Dick: So... you're Jerry. Jerry: So... I'm Jerry. (he puts down the drink) Mr. Lippman: (What is his name?) So have you ever done this kind of work before? George: Well, you know, book reports. That kind of stuff. Mr. Lippman: How do you read? George: I like Mike Lubika. Mr. Lippman: Mike Lubika? George: He's a sports writer for the daily news. I find him very insightful... Mr. Lippman: No, no, no. I mean authors. George: Lot of good ones. I don't even want to mention anyone because I'm afraid I'm going to leave somebody out. Mr. Lippman: Name a couple. George: Who do I like? I, like, uh, Art, Vandelay. Mr. Lippman: Art Vandelay? George: He's an obscure writer. Betnik, on the village. Mr. Lippman: What has he written? George: Venetian Blinds. Dick: (picking up the drink) I've got new for you. I'm funnier than you are. Jerry: Why don't get we together New Years day and watch some football. Elaine: Where's my drink? Jerry: There. (turns to George) So, how did it go? George: I think he was impressed. Elaine: No, no, no, this is just cranberry juice. Jerry: Oh, uh, I think maybe Dick picked up yours. Elaine: Dick? He can't drink. He's an alcoholic. I told you to hold it. Jerry: I didn't know you meant *hold* it, I thought you meant hold it. Elaine: One drink like that and he could fall right off the wagon. George: Told you. Jerry: I never feel comfortable in the women's department. I feel like I'm just a *little* too close to trying on a dress. George: Do I really have to buy her something? Jerry: Hey the woman got you a job. The least you could do is buy her a gift. How about this? George: What is that? Is that cashmere? Jerry: Yeah. She would love cashmere. George: Who doesn't like cashmere? Find me one person in the world that doesn't like cashmere. It's too expensive. Jerry: Look at this. It's 85 dollars marked down from 600. George: Wow. Excuse me, Miss? Sales Woman: Yes? George: How come this sweater is only 85 dollars? Sales Woman: (showing the dot) Oh, here. This is why. George: What? I don't see anything. Sales Woman: See this red dot? George: Oh yeah. Jerry: Oh it's damaged. (grabbing the sweater) George: (grabbing the sweater back) Well it's not really damaged. 85 dollars huh? Sales Woman: There's no exchanges on this. George: You think she would care about the red dot? Jerry: It's hard to say. George: I don't even think she'd notice it. Can you see it? Jerry: Well I can see it. George: Yeah, but you know where it is. Jerry: Well what do you want me to do? Not look at it? George: Pretend you didn't know it was there. Can you see it? Jerry: It's hard to pretend because I know where it is. George: Well just take an overview. Can't you just take an overview? Jerry: You want me to take an overview? George: Please. Jerry: I see a very cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something. That's my overview. Jerry: Yeah so? Elaine: He's acting very strangely. I think he started drinking again. Jerry: Oh boy, can you smell it? Elaine: No. I can't smell it. Jerry: Well if you can't smell it then he hasn't been drinking. Elaine: You don't always smell someone from a drink. Jerry: Yes you do. Elaine: What about one drink? Would you smell it from one drink? Jerry: Yes you would. Jerry: I'll prove it. Would you do me a favor? Kramer: Okay. Jerry: Would you take a drink and let us smell you? Kramer: You can smell me without the drink. Elaine: I suspect that this guy I'm seeing might be drinking but I can't smell it. Kramer: Okay, well what am I drinking? What do you got? Jerry: I got a bottle of scotch my uncle gave me. It's Hennigans. It's been here for two years. I've been using it as a paint thinner. Kramer: All right. Jerry: I don't smell anything. Elaine: Maybe we're too close to the bottle. Jerry: Yeah. George: (over the speaker) It's George. Jerry: Come on up. Kramer: That is *damn* good scotch. I could do a commercial for this stuff. Mmmmm, boy that Hennigans goes down smooth. And afterwords you don't even smell. That's right folks. I just had three shots of Hennigans and I don't smell. Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigans, the no-smell, no-tell scotch. George: Hello everybody. Kramer: Hey. (snuggling really close to George) I'm going to tell you what I think. I know you don't care what I think, but I'm going to tell you. I think that you are terrific. George: (uncomfortablly) Thank you. Elaine: Hey what's that? George: It's an early Christmas present. Elaine: Christmas present? For who? George: For you. Elaine: *gasp* (pushing George) Get out of here. Kramer: Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret. (singing) h-e-double n... Jerry: Kramer. Yeah that'll do. Elaine: (opening the present) Oh George, this is beautiful. Is this cashmere? George: Of course it's cashmere. Elaine: Oh, I love cashmere. George: Well who doesn't. Elaine: My, George this must have cost a fortune. George: Ahh, money. Elaine: Jerry, how could you let him spend so much money? Jerry: I tried to stop him. I couldn't. He just wants to make people happy. Elaine: George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me. George: Well good, good. Take it off you're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing. Kramer: What's that red dot on your sweater? Elaine: What? George: Just take it off. I'm getting hot just looking at it. Elaine: Uhh. This. It's like a red dot. George: What red dot? What are you talking about? Jerry come here for a second. Do you see anything here? Jerry: (uncomfortable) Uh, I don't know. Uh, I don't know. Elaine: What don't you know? Jerry: I don't know. Elaine: Well do you see it or don't you? Jerry: Ahem. Say that again? Elaine: Do you see it or don't you? Jerry: Do I see it... or don't I? That's the question. Jerry: Now what did you ask me again. Elaine: You're still here. You're a dynamo. George: I can't believe I get paid for this. Elaine: I'll see you tomorrow. George: How you doing? Cleaning Woman: Hello. Jerry: You had sex with the cleaning woman on your desk? Who are you, how did you do that? George: Hennigans. I was there sitting in the office and the cleaning woman comes in. I've always been attracted to cleaning women. Cleaning women, chambermaids. Jerry: Yeah chambermaids, I'm attracted to them too. George: Why is that? Jerry: It's a woman in your room. So go ahead. George: So she starts vaccuming, back and forth, back and forth, her hips swivelling, her breasts, uh... (trying to think of a word) Jerry: Convulsing? George: Convulsing? Jerry: I don't know, I'm trying to help you. George: Then I asked her if she wanted a drink. Jerry: You don't drink. George: I know but I couldn't think of anything else to say to her. Jerry: So you started drinking. George: So we started drinking, and I'll tell you I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next think I knew she was mopping the floor with me. Jerry: So how was it? George: Well the sex was okay, but I threw up from the Hennigans. Jerry: Good thing the cleaning lady was there. Elaine: Dick was fired. Jerry: You mean to tell me if I had put that drink six inches over to the right, and none of this would have happened. Elaine: You knew he was an alcoholic. Why'd you put the drink down at all? Jerry: What are you saying? Elaine: I'm not saying anything. Jerry: You're saying something. Elaine: What could I be saying? Jerry: Well you're not saying nothing you must be saying something. Elaine: If I was saying something I would have said it. Jerry: Well why don't you say it? Elaine: I said it. Jerry: What did you say? Elaine: Nothing. It's exhausting being with you. Jerry: Yeah? George: (over the speaker) It's George. Jerry: Come on up. Elaine: Hey, let me ask you something something. Did George buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because it was cheaper? (Jerry is unconfortable) Ooookay, you just gave me the answer. Jerry: No I didn't. Elaine: Yes you did, yes you did. I saw your expression. Jerry: I didn't have an expression. I have a deviated septum. I have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe. Elaine: How much did he save? Jerry: Frankly I am shocked that you would ask such a question (Elaine sticking out her tongue like she isn't buying a word of it) of me, that you would think - the only surprise is how you could even think of that. That's what you were seeing. George: I have to talk to Elaine. This cleaing lady is turning the screws on me. She's pushing for this whole relationship thing. She keeps calling me, threatening to go to the boss with this thing, I could lose my job, I gotta do something to keep her quiet. Jerry: Elaine is in the bathroom. She's wise to whole red dot thing. She's asking me all kinds of questions. George: Did you tell her anything? Jerry: No. George: Do you swear? Jerry: I'm not swearing. I don't want to swear. George: Oh you told her didn't you. Jerry: No. Elaine: Hey George, did you buy that sweater knowing that red dot was on it because you could get it at a discount? George: What? Did I what? Elaine: You did didn't you. George: Elaine, I'm, I'm shocked. I'm shocked. Here I go out in the spirit of the season (Elaine looking like she's not buying a word of it) and spend all my savings to buy you the most beautiful Christmas sweater I have ever seen to show my appreciation to you at Christmas and this is the thanks that I get at Christmas. Elaine: Well Jerry told me that you did. George: You told her? How could you tell her? I told you not to say anything. Jerry: I didn't tell her you stupid idiot. She tricked you. George: Elaine you don't understand. I had 103 temperature when I bought that sweater. I was so dizzy I was seeing red dots everywhere. I thought everything in the store had a red dot on it. I couldn't distinguish one red dot from another. I couldn't afford anything. I have nothing. I haven't worked for a really long time. (Jerry is standing right behind George. Jerry takes out a hankerchief and starts fake-crying in it.) I mean look, I have no clothes, look at what I'm wearing. It's just a little red dot. George: This is for you. Cleaning Woman: Oh, Georgie, you bought this for me? Oh I knew you cared for me. George: As you care for me. Which is why it is very important that you never breathe a word of this to anyone about the... you know. What, with Clarence Thomas and everything. Cleaning Woman: Okay, okay, can I open it now? George: Yes of course go ahead. My guess is you're going to like this very much. Cleaning Woman: Oh! Is that cashmere? George: Of course it's cashemere. Cleaning Woman: A cashmere sweater. Oh Georgie Porgie! George: Just a little something for Christmas. Cleaning Woman: When I was a little girl in Panama, a rich American came to our town and he was wearing the softest most beautiful sweater. I said to him, "what do you call this most beautiful fabric?", and he said "they call it cashmere". I repeated the words "cashmere, cashmere". I asked if I could have it, and he said "No. Get away from me." Then he started walk away. But I grabbed onto his leg screaming for him to give me the sweater and he dragged me through the street. And then he kicked at me with the other foot and threw some change at me. Oh, but I didn't want the change Georgie. I wanted the cashmere. George: I had a feeling you would like it. No, don't try it on now, try it on later. Cleaning Woman: Wow, look at this. It feels so beautiful. George: Take it off. You're going to ruin it. Cleaning Woman: (noticing the dot) What's this? Jerry: I was in the men's room the other day and they had the hand blower, instead of the paper towels, you know this thing. I like the hand blower I have to say. It takes a little bit longer, but I feel when you're in a room with a revolting stench you want to spend as much time as you can. Dick: The only stench is comming from you. Audience: Oooooh. Jerry: Oh, wait a second, I believe we have a heckler ladies and gentlemen. Hey Dick I don't know what your problem is. It's not my fault you're back on the wagon. Dick: It's off the wagon. Jerry: In the old days how do you think they got the alcohol from town to town? Dick: I don't know. Jerry: On the wagon. Don't you think they broke into a couple of those bottles along the way? Dick: You can't drink on a wagon it would be too bumpy. Jerry: They had smooth trails. What about the Cumberland Gap? Dick: What the hell do you know about wagons? Jerry: I know enough not to get on them. Mr. Lippman: I'm going to get right to the point. It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct? George: Who said that? Mr. Lippman: She did. George: Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frouned upon, you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you peope do that all the time. Mr. Lippman: You're fired. George: Well you didn't have to say it like that. Mr. Lippman: I want you out of here by the end of the day. George: What about the whole Christmas spirit thing? Any flexability there? Mr. Lippman: Nah. Wait, wait, she wanted me to give you this. Elaine: You had sex on your desk with the cleaning woman. George: You never had sex in the office before? Elaine: No. I once made out with someone but that was it. George: Alright so you made out with someone. Elaine: Well that's not sex. George: Kissing is sex. Elaine: Kissing is not sex. Jerry: George? George: Jerry. Elaine: Hey, did Jerry leave that drink next to Dick's on purpose? George: No. Jerry: George? George: Over here. Elaine: What are you doing here? Jerry: I'm taking the kid out to dinner to chear him up. Elaine: Hey Jerry when do you consider that sex has taken place? Jerry: I would say when the nipple makes its first appearance. Elaine: So, George told me that you left the drink next to Dick's on purpose. Jerry: Nice try. So guess who heckled me at the club last night. Dick: Merry Christmas. Elaine: Oh my god that's Dick. It's Cape Fear. George: Hide, hide under the desk. Elaine: Ow, ow move over. Jerry: Get off of me. Elaine: I've got no room. Dick: Is that cashmere? George: Of course it's cashmere. Dick: (noticing the dot) What's this? Jerry: But in a way, I think I inadvertantly turned this guy into an alcoholic. I hate being around alcoholics because they're either telling you how much they love you or how much they hate you. And those are the two statements that scare me the most. But I think he's okay now because I have no idea how he feels about me. He's finally off the wagon. Dick: You mean on the wagon. Jerry: Don't get smart.

Kramer: All right, Coney Island. Ok, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R. Elaine: Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island? Kramer: Well, yeah... Elaine: Ok, what time is your job interview George? George: 945 Jerry: Remember, don't whistle on the elevator. George: Why not? Jerry: That's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview, in 'Death of a salesman'. George: What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman, very encouraging. The biggest loser in history of American literature. Elaine: All right, I'm gonna go. Jerry: What time is the lesbian wedding? Elaine: 930 George: Lesbian wedding. How do they work bride and groom out, what do they flip a coin? Elaine: Yeah, they flip a coin. George: What, was that not politically correct? It's a legitimate question. Jerry: I'm so tired. I'll fall asleep on that train (yawns) George: I get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking "That's why I'm not heterosexual". Kramer: Jerry, come on let's go, pick up the check so we can go. Jerry: Oh, I'm paying for breakfast? Kramer: Yeah. Elaine: Yeah. George: Yeah. Jerry: Why do I always pay? What am I made of money? You bunch of deadbeats. George: How many tickets are you paying today? Kramer: Well, let's see speeding, running a red light, no license, no registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror...yeah. (gives George a ticket) George: No doors? Kramer: I'm fighting that one. You know, this is gonna cost me over six hundred bucks. George: I can't carry any changes in these pants, it falls out. Violin Player: Thank you. George: That guy is not blind. Jerry: So, can I convince anybody to come down to Coney Island with me? I got to pick up my car at the pound. George? George: I can't believe they actually found your stolen car. Jerry: Not only that they found it. It was simonized and the front end was aligned. George: That's amazing. Jerry: So what do you say? Run in the cyclone. Hotdogs on Nathan's is on me. George: What are you? Satan? I'm close to a job here. It's my second interview with them. Jerry: All right, biff. Elaine, merry-go-round? Elaine: I can't. I'm the best man. Jerry: Kramer, bumper-cars? Kramer: I've gotta go to court, I'll get in trouble. What's the matter with you? Jerry: Could be years before I get back to Coney Island. I can't go to rides alone. Subway Announcement: 42th street. Change to D,N,RR,2,3,4,5,7,C,E,F train. Elaine: See'ya. Woman: You looking for a job? George: Me, why? Woman: Well, you're reading the classifieds. George: Oh, no no no. I was just looking for stock-pages. Here it is. Looking for the quotes. Gotta check to quotes. Love a good quote. Oh, IBM up a quarter. Woman: You didn't look like someone who needed a job. George: Me? No, no, I don't, I don't. Doing very well, very well, yep. Woman: So, you're in 'the market'? George: Yeah I'm, eh, in 'the market'. Woman: Which market? George: Which market, the, eh, big one, the big market, the big board. Bull market, bear market, you name the market, I'm there. Woman: So, do you work for one of those big broker-houses? George: They wish. I hate the big broker-houses. Hate them with a passion. Big broker-houses killed my father. Woman: Really? George: Well, they hurt him bad. Really hurt his feelings. It's a long story. I- I don't like to talk about it, but I swore then that I would never work for big broker-houses. See, all they care about is money. I'm about more than money, I'm about people, always gone my own way and I've never looked back. Woman: I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand. Elaine: It's ironic. Women: What's ironic? Elaine: This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know we've lost the little things, the niceties. Woman: No, I mean what does 'ironic' mean? Elaine: Oh... Woman: Where are you up to, with such a nice present, birthday party? Elaine: A wedding. Women: A wedding? Elaine: Yeah Woman: Hah, I didn't know people still get married. It's hard today with men and women. Elaine: You're telling me. Woman: So, are they a nice couple? Elaine: Oh, very nice. Woman: What does he do, if you don't mind me asking? Elaine: She. Women: She? She works, he doesn't. He sounds like my son. Elaine: There is no he. Women: There is no he. So, who's getting married? Elaine: Em, two women. It's, eh...lesbian wedding. Women: Lesbian wedding. Elaine: Aha, yep. I'm the...eh...bes tman. Women (Talks To Man Next To Her): My luck. I don't talk to a soul in the subway for 35 years. I get a best man at a lesbian wedding. (leaves) Elaine: No, no, no, you don't understand! I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian! Elaine'S Voice: I'm really looking forward to this. I love weddings. Maybe I'll meet somebody, umm maybe not. Elaine'S Voice: Oh, man. We're stopping? Woman: Well, this is where I get off. George: Oh, you do? Woman: Eh, hey why don't you...oh nothing. George: No, no, what, what? Woman: Well, I was going to say why don't you get off with me, but you're obviously very busy on your way to some important meeting or something. George: Yeah, well... Woman: Yeah I knew it was a bad idea. George: Hey, what's another million, give or take. I get off where and when I wanna get off. George: I'm stuck. Pull a little, just a second. Don't start the train! Don't start the train!! Man1: This, it's the fourth horse of the first race, Pappanick. Man2: How do you know it's going to win? Man1: My UPS-guy tells. Guys who own the horses are regular customers. Every horse he has ever given me has won. See, they've been sandbagging and looking for a good spot. He's been getting it light cause they've been using bug boy and the workout hasn't been published. Now they are ready to run with it. They are gonna break his maiden. It's going to go to great price, maybe 301. I'm telling you, it's a lock. Man2: But it rained last night. Man1: Exactly, this horse loves the slop. It's in his bloodlines. His father was a mudda', his mother was a mudda'. Man2: His mudda' was a mudda'? Man1: What did I just say? Come on, let's go to the office, I'm going to call my bookie. (looks around to see if anyone is listening) Hey, don't tell anybody. Jerry: O-K. You realize of course, you're naked? Naked Man: Naked, dressed. I don't see any difference. Jerry: You oughta' sit here. There is a difference. Naked Man: You got something against naked body? Jerry: I got something against yours. How about a couple of deep knee bends, maybe a squat thrust? Naked Man: Who's got time for squat thrusts? Jerry: All right, how about skipping breakfast. I'm guessing you're not a 'half-grapefruit and black coffee' guy. Naked Man: I like a good breakfast. Jerry: I understand, I like good breakfast. Long as you don't wind up trapped in a room with bib overalls and pigtails, been counseled by Dick Gregory. Naked Man: I'm not ashamed of my body. Jerry: That's your problem, you should be. Jerry: Don't get up, please, allow me. Elaine'S Voice: Oh, this is great. This is what I need, just what I need. Ok, take it easy I'm sure it's nothing. Probably rats on the track, we're stopping for rats. God, it's so crowded. How can there be so many people? This guy really smells, doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city? What is so hard, you take the cap off, you roll it on. What's that? I feel something rubbing against me. Disgusting animals, these people should be in a gage. We are in a gage. What if I miss the wedding? I got the ring. What'll they do? You can't get married without the ring. Oh, I can't breath, I feel faint. Take it easy, it'll start moving soon. Think about the people on the concentration camps, what they went through. And hostages, what would you do if you were a hostage? Think about that. This is nothing. No, it's not nothing, it's something. It's a nightmare! Help me! Move it! Com'on move this fu(beep) thing!! Why isn't it moving?!? What can go wrong with a train!?! It's on tracks, there's no traffic! How can a train get stuck. Step on the gas!! What could it be? You'de think the conductor would explain it to us? 'I'm sorry there's a delay we'll be moving in 5 minutes'!! I wanna hear a voice. What's that on my leg?!! George: Are you often on business trip? Nice...oh, hey nice ice-bucket. Woman: Make your-self comfortable. George'S Voice: Make myself comfortable. What does that mean? Does she want me to take my clothes off? Is she taking her clothes off? What if I take my clothes off and she still has hers' on? Then I really look like an idiot. She could get offended and leave. So maybe I should leave them on, but what then if she takes her off? Then she'll feel humiliated. 'Make yourself comfortable'. I got this unbelievable woman and this 'comfortable'-thing can ruin me. I got it! I take my shoes off and sit on the bed. There, that's comfortable. She can't accuse me being unconvertible. George: Gotta tell you I'm pretty comfortable. Kramer: Oh yeah, it's all set. They got the bug boy on him. Guy: The bug boy. Kramer: Yeah, the little father has run his hard out. They're gonna break his maiden. Guy: Really? But, it's a little bit slow out there it rained last night. Kramer: Oh, this baby loves the slob, loves it, eats it up. Eats the slob. Born in the slob. His father was a mudda'. Guy: His father was a mudda'? Kramer: His mudda' was a mudda'. Guy: His mudda' was a mudda'? Kramer: What did I just say? Kramer: Hey, all right, 600 Pappanick to win. Naked Man: They still have no pitching. Goodin's a question mahk. ...You don't recover from those rotator cuffs so fast. Jerry: I'm not worried about their best pitching. They got pitching. ...They got no hitting. Naked Man: No hitting? They got hitting! Bonilla, Murry. ...They got no defence. Jerry: Defence? Please. ...They need speed. Naked Man: Speed? They got Coleman. ...They need a bullpen. Jerry: Franco's no good? ...They got no team leaders. Naked Man: They got Franco! ...What they need is a front office. Jerry: But you gotta like their chances. Naked Man: I LUV their chances. Jerry: Tell you what. If they win the penant I'll sit naked with you at the World Series. Naked Man: It's a deal! Elaine'S Voice: Why couldn't I take a cab. For 6 dollars my whole life could've changed. What is that on my leg? I'll never get out of here. What if I'm here for the rest of my life? Maybe I'll get out in 5 seconds. 1 banana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4 banana, 5 banana...no, I'm still here! Still here! Why don't they start moving? Move! Move!! Move!!! *Train starts moving, lights get back on* It's moving! It's moving! Yes! Yes!! *Train stops again and lights go off* Motherf(beep-beep)!!! George: Eh, gee, I hope you have the key for these things. Woman: Oh, don't worry. I do. George: You know, my mother used to walk around on our apartment just in her bra and panties. She didn't look anything like you, she was really disgusting, really bad body. If you could imagine uglier and fatter version of Shirley Booth. Remember Shirley Booth from Hazel. Really embarrassing, cause you know I had only mother in the whole neighborhood who was worse looking than Hazel. Imagine the taunts I would hear. Woman: Like what? George: Like a "Hey your mother is uglier than Hazel. Hazel really puts your mother to shame" George: What's going on? Woman: It was a pleasure doing business with you George, but I'm afraid I have to get going. George: Get going? But we haven't really, you know... Woman: Eight dollars? Eight dollars? George: What are you doing? You're robbing me? Woman: I wasted my whole morning with you for eight dollars? George: Wait, wait a second, what are you doing? Woman: I'm taking your clothes. George: No, that's my only suit. It cost me 350 dollars. I got it at Moe Ginsburg. Woman: Bye George. George: No wait, you can't just leave me here! Will I see you again? (The Race Is On And Pappanick Is Slowly Making Ground. Kramer Is Pounding Himself Imitating The Jockey And Shouts: Yes, yes, yes... The winner is Pappanick) Kramer: Yes! Yes! I won, hey (shouts to cashier) Naked Man: I haven't had a hotdog at Nathan's for 20 years. Jerry: First we ride the cyclone. Naked Man: Chilly out. Jerry: Aah, French fries. Thug: Give me the money. Give me the money! Blind Violin Player: (puts a gun to the thug's head) Freeze, Police! Jerry: No, I never got the car. We were having such a good time, by the time I got to the police garage, it was closed. Elaine: Too bad. Jerry: You wouldn't believe what this guy put away at Nathan's. Look at what we won! Jerry: You want him? Elaine: Get that out of my face. Jerry: So, you missed the wedding. You'll catch the bris! Man At The Counter: (yelling) Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna! George: How would you like a 'Hare Krishna' fist on your throat, you little punk? Elaine: George? Jerry: Biff, what did you whistle on the elevator? George: You have my spare-key in your apartment, right? Jerry: Yeah, it's in the kitchen drawer. George: Give me your key, I gotta get it. Kramer: What happened? George: Never mind what happened, just give me the key. Jerry: Come on, I'll go with you. Elaine: Here, pay. (Gives the check to Jerry) Kramer: Wait, wait, wait...

George: ...pianist. A *classical* pianist. She *plays* the piano. She's a *brilliant* woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the *Waldstein Sonata*! The *Waldstein*! George: We did a crossword puzzle together, *in bed*. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? in my *life*! Y'know? Jerry: Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything. George: I was telling you about Noel. Jerry: Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos... George: [sarcastically] Heh heh heh... So side-splittingly funny... Jerry: All right, I'm sorry. What about her? George: What, you think I'm going to repeat the whole thing now? Jerry: I know, you told me you like her, everything is going good. George: No everything is *not* going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. *Once* in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand- no hand at all. She has the hand; I have *no* hand... George: How do I get the hand? Jerry: We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening. George: She's playing a recital this week at the McBierney School. You wanna hear her play? I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go... Jerry: Yeah, that sounds like somethin'... George: Then afterwards maybe we could all go out together. Y'know she'll see me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as myself. Maybe I can get some hand that way. Kramer: Hey, smell my arm... Smell it! George: With all due respect, I don't think so... Jerry: That smells good, what is that? Kramer: The *beach*! Jerry: The *beach*? George: What, did you go swimmin'? It's 29 degrees out! Kramer: I just joined the Polar Bear Club. Jerry: You joined the *Polar Bears*?! George: What the Hell is a "Polar Bear"? Kramer: Well, it's these people- they go swimmin' in the winter. They're terrific, I just took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr! It's invigorating... Jerry: Yeah... So's shock therapy. Jerry: [with glee] What is that, a Pez dispenser?! Kramer: Want one? Yeah, I just bought it at the Flea Market. George: Hey, what goes on there, exactly? Jerry: You don't know? George: No, I-I-I know... [retreats back to his Chinese take out] I know... Jerry: You think they have fleas there, don't you? George: *No*... Jerry: Yes you do, Biff. You've never been to a Flea Market, and you think they have fleas there. George: All right, I think they have fleas there. So what... Elaine: I don't know how anyone does this. It must be *so* nerve racking... How do they warm up their fingers? Jerry: They have a piano backstage they warm up on. Elaine: *No*, we would have heard it. Jerry: What, do you think they just crack their knuckles and come out? George: I told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay? And don't applaud when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet. Jerry: [quickly whispering] I resent that you said that! That's directed at *me*, isn't it?! Jerry: Is this okay? Can I do this? (he claps) Steve: Something I said? [no response] It's John... Mollika. Elaine: Oh, oh, *John*... Oh, hi John... Hi... Steve: What're you doing down here? Elaine: Oh, I was just at this recital and Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg and I started laughing. Mollika: Jerry's in there? I heard you guys broke up. Elaine: We did. We're just hanging out. Mollika: REally. ... You really look great. Elaine: Oh, uh, thank you. Are you still friends with Richie Appel? Mollika: Oh, Richie, he's been doing comedy in L. A. for a few years. He just got back a month ago. He's kind of messed up. On drugs. I don't know what to do for the guy. Elaine: Have you thought about an intervention? Mollika: What's that? Elaine: You get all his friends in a room, They confront himm to try to get him into rehab. It's a very popular thing now. Mollika: He'd never listen to anyone. ... Except of course Jerry. He'd listen to Jerry. Jerry would have to be involved. He really respects Jerry. Elainelaine: I'm sorry. George, I'm sorry! George: What did you put the Pez dispenser on her leg for in the first place? Jerry: I dunno, it was an impulse. George: What kind of a sick impulse does that?? Jerry: How could I know she would start to laugh? Elaine: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I *am*! Jerry: Can we just go in already? George: What are we gonna tell her? Elaine: I'll tell her I was the one who laughed. George: No, don't say a word. If she thinks my friends are jerks, then I'm a *jerk*... Elaine: [To Jerry] Oh, remind me to talk to you about something later. Jerry: What about? George: Hey, hey! We're discussing something! Jerry: I know, but I'm distracted now. George: What are you? A *baby*!? All right. Tell her. Elaine: When I was outside I ran into John Mollika. Jerry: Really John Mollika, they guy that used to bartend at the Comedy Club. How's he doing? Elaine: He's good. George: Uh, can we cut to the chase? Jerry: "Cut to the chase"? George: Yeah... Jerry: What're you, "Joe Hollywood"? George: A lot of people say it. Jerry: I would lose that. George: [Accusingly] What's *that*? Jerry: "Lose that"? That's not a Hollywood expression! George: [Realizing full well it isn't] ...Yes it is. Elaine: Anyway ... So John told me that Richie is in town from Los Angeles and he's really messed up on drugs. So I told him that he should do an intervention. Jerry: Really, an intervention ... George: Y'know people, we got a situation over here! Elaine: Yeah, but he want's you to be a part of it. Jerry: Me? Why me? Elaine: 'Cause Richie really respects you and he would listen to you. Jerry: Y'know these things are *really* hard to load... George: All right, OK, I'm goin' in. Jerry: We've got to talk about this (to Elaine) Elaine: All right. George: Hi, hi, hi, You were wonderful. Noel: No.. George: Oh, these are my friends, Elaine and Jerry, ... Noel Jerry: You play a *Hell* of a piano. Elaine: Yeah, I was really moved, *really* moved. Noel: Well didn't you hear that person laughing? I couldn't play. I was *humiliated... Elaine: Well, I'm sure it wasn't *at* you. Noel: Well then, what was she laughing at? Jerry: Pez? Noel: Uh, no, No thank you. Did you see her? George: Me, uh, uh, no, ... Jerry: Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean only a sick twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant. Elaine: Maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg. Jerry: Even if this so called mental defective did put something on her leg she's still the one who laughed. Noel: I'll never forget that laugh for the rest of my life. [exits] Elaine: I'm sure she would apologize if she could. Probably somebody is holding her back against every fibre in her being. George: If she want's to continue to have a fibre of her being she'll be very careful (hitting each other) George: All right, so are you ready, so we'll go out and get something to eat. Noel: I don't feel like it tonight. Jerry: We'll be outside Elaine: Yeah Jerry: It was nice meeting you By the way, How do you warm up your fingers before you play? Noel: I just crack my knuckles. George: We'll have a good time Noel: I don't feel like it George: Ah, come on Noel: I said I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT! George: Um, all right, um, uh, I'll call 'ya. I'll call you and we'll talk on the phone. A telephone communiqu. Every thing is fine ok, uh, fine, .. [exits] Jerry: You know I thing Kramer might have been responsible for getting Richie involved with drugs in the first place. Elaine: What? How? Jerry: A few years ago the comedy club had a softball team. Kramer was our first baseman You couldn't get anything by him It was unbelievable. Anyway this one game we came back to win from like 8 runs behind. So Kramer says to Richie why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head? The club owner. So Richie goes ahead and does it. Elaine: So? What happened? Jerry: What happened? The guy was like 67 years old, it was freezing out, he caught a cold, got pneumonia, and a month later he was dead. Elaine: Shut up! Jerry: All the comedians were happy. He was one of these club owners nobodu liked anyway. But Richie was never the same. Elaine: Whar about Kramer? Jerry: He's the same! Jerry: Are you sure you want me John. I have spoken to Richie in two years. I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational. All right All right. Goodbye. [to Kramer] Remember Ricie Appel? Kramer: (looks shocked) Oh sure, the guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson? Jerry: Right, we'll John Mollika is organizing some kind of intervention for him. We're having it here. Kramer: Can I get in on that? Jerry: What do you think? It's like a poker game? Kramer: Is Elaine going? Jerry: Yeah Kramer: Well, I knew him as well as she did. Jerry: Yeah, but John invited her. Kramer: So what are you saying, you don't want me to intervene? Jerry: No, intervene, go intervene all you want. I am just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening. George: It's George Jerry: Stop smelling your arm. Kramer: You know I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach Jerry: Hum, a cologne that smells like the beach. I can't believe I'm saying this, "That's not a bad idea." Kramer: Tell me about it! Jerry: Why don't you call Steve D'Jiff, he works in the marketing department at Calvin Klein. In fact he's a good friend of John Mollika and Richie also. George: Well it's over. It's definitely over. Jerry: She broke up with you? George: No, but I can tell she's going to. I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation. I was so nervous before I called I made up this whole list of things to talk about. Jerry: What was on the list? George: Let's see, How I'm very good at going in reverse in my car, why isn't Postum a more popular drink, Jerry: Yeah, Postum is under-ratted, George: Anyway there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said "no, maybe we could get together for lunch." You know what that means. Jerry: What's wrong with lunch? George: Lunch is fine at the beginning then you move on to dinner. you don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted. I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again. I know it. Kramer: I like the Jumble You ever do the Jumble? George: I have no power Do you understand? I need hand. I have no hand. Kramer: Break up with her George: What? Kramer: You break up with her. You reverse everything that way. Jerry: A preemptive breakup. George: A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up which she would do anyway but at least I go out with some Dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant. George: So, I am have to going to break up with you. Noel: You're breaking up with me? George: I, ... am breaking up with, ... you. Noel: Wow. George: Shocked? Noel: I really am. George: Never expected this did you? Noel: I thought everything was fine. George: Well, live and learn. Noel: I don't understand. You're breaking up with me. Didn't we have fun doing the crossword puzzles? George: Kind of. Noel: I'm very confused. George: Well, I didn't mean to hurt you kid. Noel: I thought,... George: Now, stop it ... Noel: What do you want, I can make you happy. George: When you're playing the piano do you think about me? Noel: I don't know. George: This is what I'm talking about. Noel: OK, I'll think about you. George: All the time. Noel: All the time? ... OK, All the time. George: I can't hear you. Noel: All the time. ALL THE TIME. George: See, It's not so hard. Kramer: Go ahead smell, smell Steve: Yeah, so? Kramer: Do you recognize it? ... The beach. Steve: What are you talking about? Kramer: Oh, I'm talking about the beach. Steve: What about it? Kramer: You know the way you smell when you first come home from the beach? Well, I want to make a cologne that captures the essence of that smell. Oh yeah. Steve: That is the dumbest idea I have ever heard. Kramer: Oh, wait, Did you here what I just said? Steve: Do you think people are going to pay $80 a bottle to smell like dead fish and sea weed? That's why people take showers when the come home from the beach. It's an objectionable offensive odour. Kramer: So you don't think it's a good idea? [The Intervention [Note: DOUBLE CHECK THIS PART FOR SURE!!!!] Guy: The membranes get dried and it just starts bleeding. Since I was a kid so I have to stick tissue up there Elaine: (very uninterested) Uh, you have to work like that? Guy: Nobody minds Nobody has ever said anything to me. Other Guy: Are there any ice cubes? Jerry: In the freezer. Other Guy: I looked. There aren't any ice cubes. Jerry: Well I guess there aren't any ice cubes. Other Guy: I can't drink this. It's warm! (walks away) Guy: Shouldn't we rehearse this a little bit before Richie comes? Steve: What's the plan? Jerry: Do I have to talk? I don't feel like talking. Other Guy: Well, if he's not going to talk I'm not going to talk either. Guy: No, we all have to talk. Elaine: What's the order? Guy: We'll go in alphabetical order. First Roberta. Roberta: Why am I first? Elaine: Albano is your last name. Roberta: That's not my name any more. I'm divorced. Steve: I'll go first. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Hey. Kramer: Is this the interference? Jerry: Intervention. Other Guy: What are you doing here? Kramer: Uh, is it all right if I stay for the intervention? Steve: Hey, this is for close friends only. Kramer: I'm a friend. Who do you think told him to pour the Gatorade over Marty Benson's head? Other Guy: Let him stay. Kramer: Hey, you know I got someone to make up that cologne for me, big mouth. Steve: Somebody's going to make that crap? Old Guy: Kramer! Kramer: Hey, come on, these are some of my polar bear buddies. Other Guy: They can't stay. Old Guy: We're having a party here? Jerry: No, we're having an intervention Old Guy: An intervention? Who's intervening? Jerry: There's a friend of ours on drugs and we're going to confront him. Old Guy: Sure, we used to do that when one of our polar bears stopped coming. We would go to his house and say, "What you don't want to be a polar bear anymore? It's too cold for you?" Guy: It's him. Roberta: What should we do? Elaine: Hide! Jerry: It's NOT a surprise party! Yeah (to intercom) George: It's George Jerry: Yeah, come on up. ... It's not him. Guy: If you don't go out with me it's because I'm a bar tender. Elaine: Look, I don't think this is appropriate right now. Guy: Is it because I have a tissue in my nose? Elaine: You're getting warm. George: We just came from Chadway's(?) What's going on. Jerry: We're having the intervention for Richie. George: Oh, right, right, the intervention. Should we leave? Jerry: Well, uh.. Noel: (happily) Elaine, hi. Elaine: Oh, hi Noel Jerry: Well, you're looking well. George: Jerry, let me tell you something, "A man without hand is not a man." I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves. I got to thank Kramer. Steve: Even if I were dragged through manure I still wouldn't put that stuff on. George: (to Kramer) This man is a genius. Genius! Steve: You think so? George: I don't think so I know so, Kramer, come here I got to talk to you Old Man: The male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch only the female has it. The male has pouch envy. Elaine: (Chuckles) Elaine: (laughs) Noel: That laugh. That's the laugh. That's it. You're the one. Elaine: No, no. It was an accident. It really wasn't my fault. It was Jerry. Noel: You put a Pez dispenser on her leg during my recital?. Jerry: I didn't know she would laugh. Noel: You lied to me George, you lied to me. George: No, I, uh, um, wa, wa, What did I do? ... Where are you going? Noel: I ... am breaking up ... with you! George: You can't break up with me. I've got hand. Noel: And you're going to need it. Jerry: Hey Richie Richie: So what's going on? Jerry: It was pretty ugly from the get go. he's not listening, He's hostile, he's talking back. George: I can't do these puzzles. Jerry: So he starts to get up He spots the Pez dispenser on the coffee table George: Ah ah Pez dispenser. Jerry: He picks it up - he stares at it - It's like he's hypnotized by it. Then he's telling us this story about how when he was a kid he was in the car with his father, and his father was trying to load one of them George: Well they're hard to load. Jerry: Tell me something I don't know. So as the father's trying to load it he loses control of the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria. Nobody's hurt but Pez is all over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition. George: Poor kid. Jerry: So as he's telling the story he starts crying. George: What did you do? Jerry: What do you think? I gave him my Pez dispenser. George: Wow Jerry: Two hours later he checks into Smither's clinic. I talked to the doctor yesterday. He's doing great on the rehab. He's hooked on Pez. He's eating them like there's no tomorrow. George: What's a three letter word for candy? Jerry: I can't do those things.

Jerry: Let me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life? Elaine: Na. Jerry: What are you doing? Were going out for dinner in ten minutes. Elaine: Do you realize this is the last meal I am going to have for three days? Jerry: Yeah. George: Its George. Jerry: Come on up. . . . I never heard of this. You've got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test. How you gonna do that? Elaine: I dont know. How could I possibly have ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers? Jerry: I think Ill take out the garbage. Elaine: Hey, have you ever fasted? Jerry: Well, once I didnt have dinner until, like 900 oclock, that was pretty rough. (exits to hall with garbage meets George) Hey, do me a favour will ya? Throw out my garbage for me. George: Yeah, right. Jerry: Come on, its just down the hall. George: Give me two bucks. Ill do it for two bucks. Jerry: Ill give you 50 cents. George: Theres no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars. Jerry: Come on. Fifty cents. (??) a piece of Drakes coffee cake George: You're not getting no Drakes Coffee Cake for fifty cents. Yae, Hey, Im all set. I got the ticket. Im going to the Cayman Islands this Friday. Jerry: I dont get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven? George: Its an incredible deal. I dont know why you dont come with me. Jerry: Nah, I dont go for these non-refundable deals. I cant commit to a woman. Im not going to commit to an airline. Gina: Hi. Jerry: Hi. Gina: How are you? Jerry: Gina, do you know what a Drakes Coffee Cake is? Gina: Of course, the plane cake with the sweet brown crumbs on the top. Jerry: How much do they cost? Gina: The junior? George: No, no the full size. Jerry: No, no the junior. George: You didnt say "junior". Gina: I haven't had one of those since I was a little girl. Jerry: Really? You should be ashamed of yourself. I want you out of here! (MARTIN enters the hall) How ya doing? Martin: Good enough. Jerry: Boy shes sexy isn't she? Jerry: Do you believe that guy? Elaine: What guy? Jerry: My neighbour Elaine: Oh, that creepy guy? Jerry: Yeah, did he think I was flirting with her? George: He didnt seem too pleased. Elaine: Maybe Ill get a steak with french fried onion wings. George: hey, you know what? I just remembered something. I had a dream about that guy last night. This is amazing. Jerry: Whats so amazing? You've seen him before. George: I haven't seen him for months. Jerry: What was the dream? George: I was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport Maine. ??? night club. The stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off. Jerry: I think Ive played there. George: Ive had a lot of other paranormal stuff happen to me. Jerry: You're a little paranormal Elaine: Hey, George, you know my friend goes to a psychic. George: Really? Elaine: Uh uh, you should go some time. George: Id love to go. Make an appointment. Jerry: Psychics, vacations. How about getting a job? George: I just got fired. Jerry: Alright, come on, lets get out of here. Elaine: I wonder what Ghandi ate before his fast. Jerry: I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits. Elaine: Really? Jerry: Oh, yeah. Ghandi loved Triscuits. Jerry: Who is it? Who is it? Gina: Its Gina. Jerry: Who? Gina: Martines girl friend. Jerry: Martine? Gina: You next door neighbour. Jerry: Oh, Martin! George: Its Martine. I think hes dying. He tried to kill himself with pills. Jerry: What? Gina: Come on. Jerry: In my pajamas? I better get my robe. Gina: We dont have enough time. Jerry: Itll take two seconds. Gina: There is no time. Jerry: We dont have two seconds? Gina: All right. Go ahead. Jerry: Nah, forget it. Gina: No, go ahead. Jerry: Nah. Ill just wear the pajamas. Gina: Will you just get it. Jerry: Are you sure? Gina: Forget it. Come on. Jerry: Nah, Ill go get the robe. Jerry: That's not too bad. Its not like a Sunny von Bulow comma. The doctor said he should snap out of it anytime. Gina: You know why he did this? Because I told him it was over. I did not want to see him anymore. Jerry: Really? Its over? Gina: I could not stand it another minute. Yesterday he turned over a mans hot dog stand because he thought the man was looking at me. And then after he saw you in the hall. Ach, he was crazy with jealousy. Jerry: Oh boy, did he say anything about me? Gina: He does not like you. And all indications are he does not like Drakes Coffee Cake. Jerry: He said that? Gina: He was screaming about it all night. How its too sweet and it falls apart when you eat it. Jerry: Im sorry if I caused any trouble. I was just being friendly. Gina: I wasnt. Jerry: You werent? Gina: No, I have thought about you many times. Have you thought about me? Jerry: Of course. Gina: Tell me everything. Jerry: Are you sure he cant hear anything? . . .MARTIN, MARTIN. Gina: I wish he was not in a coma. I wish he was dead. I wish I could pull the plug out from him. Jerry: I, would, I would wait on that. I know how you feel but. Juries today, you never know how they're going to look at a thing like this. Gina: I saw you looking at your watch. You want to leave? Go ahead. Jerry: No, I just wanted to see what time it was. Gina: Are you afraid of him? Jerry: No. Gina: Then kiss me. Jerry: Here? Gina: Yes, right here. Jerry: Is this the proper venue? Gina: You dont want to? Jerry: No, no, I want to. I, I very much want to. I, I desire to. I, I pine to. Gina: Then kiss me right in front of him. Jerry: I cant. What if he wakes up? Gina: A man is lying here unconscious and you're afraid of him? What kind of a man are you? Jerry: A man who respects a good comma. If it was one of those in and out comas, maybe. But when a guys got a coma going like this you dont want to mess with it. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Hey. Kramer: Did you hear about Martin? Jerry: Yeah, I heard. Kramer: I cant believe hes in a coma. Kramer: Hes got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do? Jerry: Who told you about Martin? Kramer: Newman! Hes good friends with him. Jerr: Oh, big mouth Newman. I should have guessed. Kramer: Hes got all of my attachments, you know. Jerry: Hey, let me ask you something. How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out? Kramer: What, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call Doctor Kavorkian? Jerry: You know I dont get that whole suicide machine. Theres no tall buildings where these people live? They cant wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person? Kramer: So whats going on between you and Gina? Jerry: Well, I went with her to the hospital last night. Kramer: Uh, uh. Jerry: So were in the room and shes trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him. Kramer: Uh, uh, you see that's the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what did you do? Jerry: Nothing. Kramer: Ah, what kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you dont have the guts to kiss his girlfriend? Jerry: I didnt know what the coma etiquette was. Kramer: There is no coma etiquette. You see that's the beauty of the coma, man. It doesnt matter what you do around it. Jerry: So you're saying, his girl, his car, his clothes, its all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim. Kramer: Id give him 24 hours to get out of it. They cant get out of it in 24 hours, its a land rush. Jerry: So if the coma victim wakes up in a month, hes thrilled, he got out of the coma. He goes home, theres nothing left? Kramer: NOTHING LEFT! That's why Im trying to get that vacuum cleaner. Because somebodys going to grab it. Rula: Martins spirit came to you as a warning. Elaine: Why would he come to George? Rula: Because George has heightened extra sensory perception. FAYGY GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE. George: I knew it. I always felt different. Rula: You are. Some coffee cake? George: Drakes? Rula: Yes. George: Did you buy this for me? Rula: No, why? George: Ha, because I love Drakes Coffee Cake. Rula: Maybe I did. Elaine: Take it away. George: She hasnt eaten in two days. Rula: Who'sPauline? George: Pauline? . . . Wait a minute. I got it. My brother once impregnated a woman named Pauline. Rula: Do you think about her? George: When I hear her name mentioned. Rula: Cut these with your left hand. George: There was a woman, Audrey. She had a very big nose. Rula: I see an Audrey, but with a small nose. George: Yes, yes, she had a nose job. I loved her very deeply. Will she ever speak to me again? Rula: Not in this life. Elaine: Should you be smoking? Rula: Does it bother you? Elaine: You're pregnant. George: Elaine. Rula: I smoked when I had Faisy. Rula: Ah oh. George: Ah oh? What? What Ah oh? Rula: I dont know about this trip George. George: You can see the Cayman Islands in there? Is something going to happen to me? What? Elaine: Its really bad for the fetus. Do you know that. George: Elaine, shes a psychic. She knows how the kids going to be. George: Should I not go on this trip? Rula: George, I am going to tell you something and I want you to really hear me. Elaine: Now listen. I just dont know how a person, with everything we now know about pre-natal care can put a cigarette in her mouth. George: Elaine, what are you doing? Elaine: Its disgusting. Rula: I DONT BELIVE IT. I would like you both to leave. Elaine: Oh fine, I dont like to be around people who are just so irresponsible. Rula: Get the hell out. George: A plane crash? A Heart attack? Lupus? Is it Lupus? Rula: Do you want me to call the super? He was an Israeli commando. George: If you dont say anything I will assume its a plane crash. Rula: Get out. George: Not a plane crash. (leaving) Is it a plane crash? Gina: I do not like your toothbrush. There are no bristles. Jerry: You can say what you want about me but Ill be damned if Im going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush. Gina: It is too small for someone with such a big mouth (kisses Kerry). Let me ask you. What will you do if Martine wakes up? Run away like a mouse? Jerry: No, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie. Gina: Who are these Stooges you speak of? Jerry: They're a comedy team. Gina: Tell me about them. Everything. Jerry: Well, they're three kind of funny looking guys and they hit each other a lot. Gina: You will show me The Stooges? Jerry: I will show you The Stooges. Gina: When? Jerry: Well, I dont really know where The Stooges are right now but if I locate them you will be the first to know. Gina: Come, you walk me to a cab. Jerry: Well, uh, I uh, I dont want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe its not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here. Gina: You're still afraid. You are not a man. Jerry: Well then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet? Gina: Are you going to walk me to a cab or not? Jerry: Yeah, all right. All right. Kramer: You should just eat fruit. Newman: I cant eat fruit. It makes me incontinent. Kramer: ??? Newman: Hello Gina. Hello Jerry. Jerry: Hello Newman. Jerry: Do you think Newman would tell Martin if he wakes up? What kind of sicko would do that? He could kill me. George: People smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked. It didnt hurt me. Elaine: (jumps with fear to Jerry) Did you see that wall move? Jerry: Boy, its a good thing we came. George: Could there be a native p0roblem in the Caymans? Maybe theres native unrest. Elaine: Hi, I haven't eaten in three days. I was wondering how much longer it would be until I get my X-ray. Nurse: Well call you. Jerry: George, I want you to promise me something. If Im ever in a comma. In the first 24 hours get everything out of my apartment and put it in storage. George: How come? Jerry: Looters. Elaine: How do we know that dog food is any good? Who tastes it? Jerry: Shes really hungry. Kramer: Hey. Elaine: Kramer Kramer: Well, Newmans upstairs visiting Martin. George: Would you buy my Cayman Island ticket? Kramer: You're not going? George: No. Kramer: Why not? George: The psychic said something terrible will happen. Kramer: I dig. Kramer: I want my vacuum cleaner! I know you can hear me. Look my mother, shes going to come and visit me. She sees that rug, shes going to kill me. Newman: He cant hear you, you idiot. Why dont you just buy another one. Kramer: Why would I buy another one when I spent a hundred bucks on this one? Newman: I have a carpet sweeper you can use. Kramer: I dont want a carpet sweeper. They dont do anything. Newman: It gets my rug clean. Kramer: The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing. Newman: Well, you should take a look at my rug then. Kramer: I wouldnt set foot in your house. Jerry: Hello. Newman: Hello Jerry. Jerry: Hows he doing? Kramer: He looks happy to me. Newman: I hope he stays this happy when he wakes up. Jerry: Why wouldnt he? Newman: No reason. Jerry: Hell have a lot of catching up to do, I guess. Newman: Ill bring him up to date. Jerry: How up to date? Newman: Oh, all the way up. Jerry: And nothing could change your mind? Newman: Well, it would take a hell of a lot. Because a friend is something you earn. Kramer: Okay, Jerry has a friend who has free tickets to the Cayman Islands for this weekend. Hes not going. Newman: I dont care much for the beach. I freckle. . . . Is that a,.. Jerry: Drakes Coffee Cake Newman: Wow, where did you get that? Jerry: From my house. I got a whole box of them. Newman: Boy, that's the full size. Jerry: That's your big boy. Newman: Can I have a bite? Jerry: I dont give out bites. I got another one. But Im saving it for later. Newman: Just one bite? Jerry: I dont think so. You know they, they're so fragile. Newman: All right! All right. I wont say anything. Jerry: You swear? Newman: I swear. Jerry: On your mothers life? Newman: On my mothers life. Kramer: oh oh oh oh oh Newman: Oooh, Elaine: And there it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck either, but juicy tender breasts of duck. George: sweetheart, no come here, sweetheart Rula: pew, pew, pew, pew (breathing) George: how did I know you were here? Something drew me here. This is phenomenal. Rula: The nurse said she would be right back. They're supposed to take me into the delivery room. George: Oh, that's great. That's great. By the way I have to apologize for my friend the other day. Friend? Uh, uh I dont even know that woman. I met her on the bus on the way over. I couldn't get rid of her. Uh, My psychic instincts were a little off .. Rula: Oh, wheres the nurse George: I dont know where the nurse is. Sweetheart why dont you get a nurse for mommy? Anyway I was just curious. Remember the other day you were saying something about my trip. Rula: Dont take that trip. George: Yeah, why? Why? Rula: (screams) EEEY, beegit, beegit beegit. Dx: All right, Rula, its time to go. George: Because? Because? Elaine: Assassins! How dare they keep a person waiting like this! Drakes Coffee Cake? Give me that. Newman: Jerry, you better stop her or Ill tell. Jerry: Elaine! No! No! Martin: Ooooh, ahhhh, George: Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus? Newman: He did it right in this bed, Martin. Right in front of you. Kramer: I want my vacuum cleaner! Jerry: Hey! Newman: It was disgusting. Jerry: What are you doing? Were going out to dinner in ten minutes. George: I never assisted in a birth before. Its really quite disgusting. Jerry: What did she name the kid? George: You wouldnt believe it. Rasputin. Kramer: Heey! George: Hey. Jerry: Hey. George: when did you get back? Kramer: A couple of hours ago. George: So how was it? Kramer: George, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life. Jerry: osh. Kramer: They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool. Jerry: Woah. (hitting George) Kramer: Not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there. Jerry: Wow! (hitting George) Kramer: I was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson Jerry: Oh! (hitting George) Kramer: We played Backgammon in the nude. Jerry: Oh! (hitting George) Kramer: Shes a sweet kid. Jerry: Nude backgammon with swimsuit models! Kramer: Oh, you know what? The second day I was there I stepped on a jellyfish. Now it kind of stung my foot. That's probably what Rula was trying to warn you about. George: Yeah, you gotta watch for the jellyfish. Kramer: Yeah. Kramer: Whats this? Jerry: Oh, its an invitation to a house warming from Martin and Gina. Kramer: They moved in together? Jerry: Yeah, its some place down in the village. Kramer: Phew. Jerry: Yeah. Elaine: Its Elaine. Jerry: All right were coming down. Kramer: Hey, where ya going? Jerry: Were taking Elaine to dinner. Shes got to start the fast again. Um, you want to go? Kramer: Um, Id like to but a bunch of us from the islands, well be getting together. George: Elle McPherson going to be there? Kramer: OH! I got to call her back.

George: Why even try anymore? There's no sense to it. I'm never gonna meet anybody, I should just accept it. Jerry: Oh, yes you will. George: No, I won't. Jerry: Yeah, maybe you won't. George: I mean it's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like. Jerry: Are my nostrils getting bigger? George: No. Why must it be so difficult? Why is there all this tension and hostility? Why can't I just walk up to a woman on the street and say, "Hi. I'm Cynthia: There's just no men out there, you know? Elaine: I know. Cynthia: I mean the problem is that the good ones know they're good. And they know they're in such demand they're just not interested in confining themselves to one person. Elaine: I hate the good ones. Cynthia: Is Jerry one of the good ones? Elaine: That's a good question, I think he thinks he is. Cynthia: Well, the mediocre ones are available, but they're so insecure about not being one of the good ones that they're always going, "Well I'm not good enough for you, what are you doing with me?" and eventually I just go, "You're right." Elaine: You know, maybe you need somebody between good and mediocre. Cynthia: No, maybe I need somebody who has nothing, somebody who just has to appreciate being with me because he's so desperate. George: I mean it's gotten to the point where I'm flirting with operators on the phone. I almost made a date with one. Jerry: Oh, so there's still hope. George: I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive. Jerry: Oh, so hopelessness is the key. George: It's my only hope. Cynthia: See, I wouldn't really mind so much, but I feel badly for my mother. I mean, if my mother weren't around, it wouldn't be so bad. But, I'm telling you, if I'm not married by the time I'm forty, I'm gonna have to kill her because it's the only fair thing to do. I just couldn't put her through that. Elaine: Well, at least you're not bitter. Cynthia: Who says I'm not bitter? Elaine: Aren't you too young to be bitter? Cynthia: No, you can be young and bitter, just maybe not as bitter as I'm gonna be ten years from now, but I'm bitter. Anyway, don't tell anyone. Elaine: Don't worry, your bitterness is safe with me. Cynthia: Um, order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna go throw up. Jerry: Look at my hands. Look. Filthy from the paper. You know, they should give you a Wet-nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints. Elaine: So what'd you do last night? Jerry: Went out with George, you? Elaine: Went out with Cynthia. Jerry: How was it? What'd you talk about? Elaine: Well, you know, the usual; The Federal Reserve, the rainforest. Cynthia thought we should nuke the rainforest, you know, get rid of it in one fell swoop so we can at least eliminate it as a subject of conversation. What about you? Jerry: We brushed on that. Actually, George was in rare form. He just can't find anybody. Elaine: I know, Cynthia too. She's really given up. Jerry: George too. Jerry And Elaine (Together): Yeah, right. Jerry: I've never fixed anybody up. Elaine: Uh, me neither and I am not about to start with George. Jerry: Well why wouldn't you start with George? You think she's too good for George? Elaine: I didn't say 'too good', did I say 'too good'? Jerry: Well you implied it. Elaine: I didn't say it. Jerry: Because if you think she's too good for George, you are dead wrong. Dead wrong. Who is she? Elaine: Who is he? Jerry: He's George! Elaine: She's Cynthia! Jerry: So what? Elaine: What, you don't think she's beautiful? Jerry: I don't know, what's with the eyebrows? Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high. Jerry: I went out with you. Elaine: That's because my standards are too low. And by the way, you know, women kill for eyebrows like that. Do you know that? I mean women pluck their real eyebrows out of their head, one by one, until they're bald, Jerry. Bald above the eyes! And then they paint in these eyebrows to look like that. Jerry: Well let me tell you something about George. He is fast. He can run like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift a hundred pounds over his head without even knowing it. And you wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook. Elaine: He can really do that? Jerry: Come on, let's do it, I think they'll really get along. Elaine: What, are you into this? Jerry: Yeah, come on, it's a good match. Elaine: No, wait a minute, wait a minute. They're gonna be telling us how their dates went. Are we gonna share that information? Jerry: Naturally. Elaine: Well, wait a minute, we're gonna tell each other everything, I mean every secret? Jerry: Everything. Elaine: What if it worked out? Jerry (Dialing): Yeah right. George: Out of the question. Out of the question! Jerry: Why? George: No! I'm not gonna do that! That's one step away from personal ads! And prostitutes! No! No, I am not going down that road! What does she look like? Jerry: She's good looking. George: How good looking? Jerry: Very good looking. George: Really good looking? Jerry: Really very good looking. George: Would you take her out? Jerry: Yes, I would take her out. George: Oh, you hesitated. Jerry: What hesitate? I didn't hesitate! George: No, something's off here, you hesitated. Jerry: I'm telling you, she's good looking. George: What about the body, what kind of body? Jerry: Good body, nice body. George: How nice? Jerry: Nice. George: Just nice? Jerry: Pretty nice. George: Really good? Jerry: Really very nice and good. George: What about personality? Jerry: Good personality. Funny. Bright. George: Smarter than me? I don't want anyone smarter than me. Jerry: How could she be smarter than you? George: Alright, let's see, let's see. What else. What else. Oh yeah, what does she do? Cynthia: First of all, what does he do? Elaine: He was in real estate, um, now, he's not working right now- Cynthia: He's not working?! How come he's not working? Elaine: Well, um, he, he got fired. Cynthia: Why did he get fired? Elaine: Uh. Why? Oh, right. Um, well, he tried to poison his boss. Cynthia: Excuse me? Elaine: Such a long story, Cynthia, seriously, I mean he just had some problems at work. Cynthia: Is he nuts? Elaine: No, no, no, he's a really really funny guy. Cynthia: What does he look like? Elaine: Pardon? Cynthia: What does he look like? Elaine: Um, well, he's got a lot of character in his face. Um, he's short. Um, he's stocky. Cynthia: Fat. Is that what you're saying, that he's fat? Elaine: Powerful. He is so powerful, he can lift a hundred pounds right up over his head. And um, what else. What else. Oh, right. Um, well, he's kind of, just kind of losing his hair. Cynthia: He's bald? Elaine: No! No, no, no, he's not bald. He's balding. Cynthia: So he will be bald. Elaine: Yup. George: What kind of hair? Jerry: You know, long dark hair. George: Flowing? Jerry: Flowing? George: Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick lustrous hair is very important to me. Jerry: 'Thick lustrous hair is very important to me,' is that what you said? George: Yeah, that's right. Jerry: Just clarifying. George: Let me ask you this. If you stick your hand in the hair is it easy to get it out? Jerry: Do you want to be able to get it out or do you want to not be able to get it out? George: I'd like to be able to get it out. Jerry: I think you'll get it out. George: What about the skin? I need a good cheek, I like a good cheek. Jerry: She's got a fine cheek. George: Is there a pinkish hue? Jerry: A pinkish hue? George: Yes, a rosy glow. Jerry: There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows, women kill to have her eyebrows. George: Who cares about eyebrows? Is she sweet? I like sweet. But not too sweet, you could throw up from that. Jerry: I don't think you'll throw up. *She* likes to throw up. Cynthia: Has he ever been married? Elaine: No. Cynthia: Has he been close? Elaine: He once spent a weekend with a woman. Cynthia: He didn't really try to poison his boss? Elaine: Yeah, he did. George: We had an incredible phone conversation. We talked for like twenty minutes. I threw away my notes in the middle of the call. You know, I thought she had a great voice timbre. Is it timbre or tamber? Jerry: I think it's tamber. George: Why'd I think it was timbre? Yeah, she could do voiceover commercials, why didn't you tell me about her voice? Jerry: I didn't notice the voice. George: It's mellifluous! Jerry: So, Saturday night. George: She had to be impressed by that conversation, had to! It was a great performance. I am unbelievable on the phone. On the date they should just have two phones on the table at the restaurant, done. Elaine: Hi. George: Hey! Saturday night! Elaine: I know! George: So, what did she say? Elaine: She said you're getting together Saturday night! George: That's it? Elaine: Yeah! George: She didn't mention anything about the conversation? Elaine: No. George: Now, you see, I don't get that. We had a relaxed stimulating, great conversation, she doesn't mention it? Why doesn't she mention it? Elaine: What? Jerry: She could have mentioned the conversation. George: Alright, alright, I'll go on the date, but that's that. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Hey. Kramer: You know my friend, Bob Sacamano? Jerry: Oh, the guy from Jersey? Kramer: Yeah. He just got a job at a condom factory in Edison. Look at this, he gave me a gross. George: What are you gonna do with all of them? Kramer: Oh, well... Come on, take some, Jerry. Grab 'em. Jerry: No thanks, they look like they came out of a cereal box. Kramer: Come on, Elaine, here, take half a bag. Elaine: Half a bag? What am I, a hooker? Anyway, they look kind of cheap. George: I'll take one. It's possible. Jerry: So where are they already, it's a quarter to twelve, they should be back by now, what did they do? Elaine: I think they went out to dinner. Jerry: Wait, I got another call. That must be him. [clicks over] Hello? George: Yeah, it's me, I just got home. Jerry: Oh, hold on. [clicks back] It's George, he just got home. Elaine: Yeah, yeah, I got Cynthia on the other line. Jerry: Alright, I'll call you back as soon as I'm done. Elaine: Remember our pact. Full disclosure. Jerry: Of course. [clicks back to George] Yeah, go ahead. George: Alright look, I'm gonna tell you, but I made a pact with Cynthia, we swore we were not going to tell you and Elaine. Jerry: You can tell me, I'll vault it. George: It's in the vault? Jerry: I'm locking the vault. What? George: We had sex. Jerry: Oh my god, you had sex, how did that happen? George: I don't know. I closed my eyes and made a move. Jerry: At your apartment? George: Yeah. Jerry: She didn't stay over? George: No, she left. Listen, you can't mention any of this to Elaine. Cynthia will kill me, we made a deal. Elaine: Oh my god. Cynthia: He was uncomfortable because it was our first time so he felt he would perform better if we did it in the kitchen. He said the kitchen is always the most sociable room in the house. And he was serious. Elaine: So? How was it? Cynthia: How good could it be? My head was on a hot plate. Elaine: Wait, I got another call, that must be Jerry. Cynthia: Oh wait, don't you tell him any of this. Elaine: Yeah, ok. [clicks over] Hello? Jerry: So, what did she have to say? Elaine: What did he have to say? Jerry: He said they had a good time. Elaine: Her too. Jerry: Oh, good. Elaine: Anything else? Jerry: Nope. You? Elaine: Nope. Jerry: You sure? Elaine: Yup. You? Jerry: Yeah. Elaine: Alright. Well uh, guess everything is under control. Jerry: Yeah. Okay then. Elaine: Alright. Goodnight. Jerry: Goodnight. George: I left three messages. I can't believe this woman. She has sex with me, leaves ten minutes later then I never hear from her again. What kind of a person does this? I mean, she used me. I feel cheap and violated. Jerry: Well, I'm gonna do something about this. George: What are you gonna do? Jerry: Nevermind. Disgraceful. Leaves you sitting there on the kitchen floor like some kind of roach trap. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Sir, whatever. She's not going to get away with this. George: I keep wracking my brain to try and figure out what I did. I was smart, I was funny, I made great small talk with the waitress so she could see I could relate to the commoners, you know, I'm a man of the people. Jerry: I'm gonna call her. George: No, don't call her. Jerry: No, I'm calling her. George: No, Jerry, don't call. Jerry: No, forget it, I'm gonna call. George: I don't want you to call. Jerry: Get away from me, I'm gonna call her. George: Give me the phone! Jerry: George, do you wanna fight? Do you wanna fight? George: Jerry, I'm gonna kill you! Kramer: Hey hey hey!! Come on! Jerry, George, now stop it! Jerry: I'll just call her when you leave! George: You can't do that, it's none of your business! Jerry: It is so my business! Kramer: Hey hey hey! I don't want to hear another word out of either one of you! George: But tell him to give me the- Kramer: Ay ay ay! The next one of you that opens up your mouth, says something, you're gonna have to deal with me. You know, I bet I know what this is about. It's about a woman, isn't it? George: No. Jerry: Yeah, but- Kramer: Yeah yeah! You see, this is exactly what they want to do to you. They play one against the other. You can't let them manipulate you like that. Jerry: But Kramer- Kramer: Noh noh noh! I want you guys to shake hands. Come on, there are plenty of women out there for all of us, let's go. Kramer: Yes. You see? Isn't that better than fighting? Animosity? I mean, you wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me. Oh, by the way George, you know those condoms I gave you? They're defective, don't use them. George: What? Kramer: Right. George: Defective?! Kramer: Defective. George: (attacking Kramer) How could you give me a defective condom?! Kramer: I didn't even know they were defective. Kramer: Didn't even thin you were gonna use them. George: What do you mean you didn't think I wasn't gonna use them?! Jerry: Take it easy, you guys, just spread out! Don't worry about it, if anything was wrong she would have called you already! Cynthia: I missed my period. Elaine: Oh my god. Cynthia: I am very worried, I am never late. Elaine: But he used a condom, right? Cynthia: I know, but these things aren't always foolproof. Elaine: Oh no. Cynthia: What? Elaine: Was it blue? Cynthia: Yeah. How'd you know? Elaine: Just a hunch. Jerry: Ow! Ow! Twist off! Twist off! Twist off! Jerry: Oh, hi. Soda? Elaine: No thanks. Jerry: So tell me. What's the problem with your little flaky friend? She doesn't return calls? Elaine: Who are you to talk about her like that? She'll call him when she's good and ready. You don't even know her. Jerry: Oh, I know her. I know her type. Elaine: Her type? What type? Jerry: The type that doesn't return phone calls. I knew we shouldn't have done this, it was a bad idea in the first place, I told you! Elaine: You told me? You pushed this whole thing on me, it was your idea! Jerry: I was just trying to help your bitter, twisted friend. Elaine: She's not bitter! Jerry: Well, bitter's a judgement call, but she's twisted! Elaine: Twisted? God, I did you a favor. Jerry: I thought you said they had a good time, is there anything else you're keeping from me? Elaine: Are you calling me a liar? Jerry: I'm calling you one if you are one, are you a liar? Elaine: Are you? Jerry: Get your finger out of my face. Elaine: You get yours out, I was here first! Jerry: I don't care. Elaine: Get it out! Kramer: Hey hey, alright, hey hey, stop it! Come on, break it up! What's the matter with you? Now don't you two see that you're in love with each other? I mean, why can't you face that already? You're running around out there looking for something that's not even there, when everything that you dream of is right here, right here in front of you. Now why can't you admit that? By the way, when you see George give him these, these'll work. Elaine: I knew those condoms were defective! Jerry: How did you know they were defective?! Elaine: Because! Because she missed her period! George: She missed her period? Oh my god. I can't believe it! I'm a father! I did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it! Cynthia: So he shows up. He's all out of breath. He's disheveled. And he tells me that no matter what happens, whatever I decide is fine with him and that I could depend on him, and that he would be there to support me in whatever way I need. Elaine, I was speechless. Elaine: Wow. Wow. You see? You think you know somebody. Cynthia: I said to him, "I really appreciate this, but I just got my period." And so, I asked him to come in, he came in- Elaine: Hi! George: Sorry, we're a little late. We got so hung up in traffic. Elaine: What happened? Jerry: Acting. Elaine: Very mature. Jerry: Thank you. Hi Cynthia. Cynthia: Hi. Jerry: Well this is a great place to sit you got here. Cynthia: Best seat in the house. (Looking at George) right next to the kitchen. George: (hitting Cynthia playfully with a napkin) Stop it, stop it. Jerry: So what are these? Elaine: Oh, we ordered some appetizers. Start eating. George: (with a mouth full of food) This is good. Oh, this is good.

Kramer: Wide open, I was wide open underneath! I had three inches on that guy. You two were hogging the ball. George: Me? It wasn't me I never even saw the ball. All you do is dribble. Jerry: I have to dribble, if I give it to you, you just shoot. You're a chucker. George: Oh I'm a chucker. Jerry: That's right, everytime you get the ball you shoot. George: I can't believe you called me a chucker. No way I'm a chucker, I do not chuck, never chucked, never have chucked, never will chuck, no chuck! Jerry: You chuck. Geroge: Kramer am I a chucker? Kramer: You're a chucker. George: All these years I've been chuckin' and you've never told me? Jerry: Well it's not an easy thing to bring up. Kramer: Hey you know this is the first time we've ever seen each other naked. Jerry: Believe me I didn't see anything. Kramer: Oh, you didn't sneak a peak? Jerry: No, did you? Kramer: Yeah, I snuck a peak. Jerry: Why? Kramer: Why not? hey what about you George? George: yeah, I ... I snuck a peak. ... But it was so fast I didn't see anything. It was just a blur. Jerry: I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just don't want to have. Kramer: Uh, I gotta go meet Newman. All right. I'll see you later. Jerry: All right Kramer: Have a good one. Jerry: All right George: See ya. George: look at this guy. Does he have to stretch in here? Jerry: You know who that is? That's George: Keith Hernandez? The baseball player? Jerry: Yeah, that's him. George: Are you sure? Jerry: Positive. George: Wow, Keith Hernandez. He's such a great player. Jerry: Yeah, he's a real smart guy too. He's a Civil War buff. George: I'd love to be a Civil War buff. ... What do you have to do to be a buff Jerry: So Biff wants to be a buff? ... Well sleeping less than 18 hours a day would be a start. George: ho ho ho ho. You know I only got two weeks left of unemployment. I got to prove I've been looking for a job to get an extension Jerry: Hey, should we say something to him? George: Oh, yeah I'm sure he loves to hear from fans in the locker room. Jerry: well he could say hello to me. I wouldn't mind. George: He's Keith Hernandez. You're Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry: So? George: What are you comparing yourself to Keith Hernandez. The guys a baseball player Jerry, Baseball! Jerry: I know what he is. I recognized him. You didn't even notice him. George: What, ... you are making some wisecracks in a night club... wo wo wo. The guy was in game SIX two runs down two outs facing elimination. Keith: Excuse me. I don't want to disturb you, I'm Keith Hernandez and I just want to tell you what a big fan I am. I love your comedy. Jerry: Really? Keith: I've always wanted to do what you do. Jerry: What I do? You are one of my favorite ball players of all time George: Mine too. Keith: I love that bit about Jimmy Olson Jerry: Thank you. George: You know Keith, what I've always wondered, with all these ball clubs flying around all season don't you think there would be a plane crash? ... Keith: (to Jerry) Do you perform anywhere in new York right now? Jerry: I'm performing in this club on the east Side. You should come in. George: But if you think about it...26 teams, 162 games a season, you'd think eventually an entire team would get wiped out. Keith: You know, I live on the East Side. Jerry: I'll tell you what, I'll give you my number and uh, just give me a call, tell me whenever you want to go. Keith: or maybe just to get together for a cup of coffee Jerry: Oh. that would be great. George: Uh, it's only a matter of time. Keith: Who's this chucker? Jerry: It's been three days and he hasn't called. Elaine: Well maybe you should call him. Jerry: I can't ... I can't Elaine: Why not? Jerry: I don't know. I just feel he should call me. Elaine: What's the difference? Jerry: You don't understand, Elaine. I don't want to be overanxious. If he wants to see me he has my number, he should call. Elaine: Yech, look at this ashtray. I hate cigarettes. Jerry: I can't stand these guys. You give your number to them and then they don't call. Why do they do that? Elaine: I'm sorry honey. Jerry: I mean, I thought he liked me. I really thought he liked me. we were getting along. He came over to me I didn't go over to him. Elaine: No, Jerry: Why did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me? Elaine: I know. Jerry: What did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me? I mean here I meet this guy this great guy, a baseball player, best guy I ever met in my life. .. Well that's it. I'm never giving my number out to another guy again. Elaine: Sometimes I've given my number out to guys and it takes them a month to call. Jerry: Hu, good, good,... well if he's calling in a month he's got a prayer! Elaine: You know maybe he's been busy. Maybe he's been out of town? Jerry: Oh, they don't have phones out of town? Why do(?) people say they're too busy. Too busy. Pick up a phone!! It takes two minutes. How can you be too busy? Elaine: Why don't you just go ahead and call him? Jerry: I can't call here, it's a coffee shop. I mean what am I going to say to him? Elaine: Just ask him if he wants a to get together. Jerry: For what dinner? Elaine: Dinner's good. Jerry: Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong? .. Isn't that like a turn off? Elaine: Jerry, He's A GUY! Jerry: ... this is all .. very confusing. Mrs. Sokol: You know you only have two more weeks before your benefits run out. George: Yes and I was hoping ... to get a thirteen week extension. Mrs. Sokol: So where have you been looking for work? George: Well you know what I've discovered Mrs. Sokol. It's not so much the looking as the listening. I listen for work. And as I'm looking and listening I am also looking. You can't discount looking. It's sort of a combination. It's looking, and listening, listening and looking. But you must look. Mrs. Sokol: Can you be specific about any of these companies? George: Specific, Ah, lets see. I've walked in and out of so many buildings they all .. blend in together, I uh, .. Mrs. Sokol: Well just give me one name. George: Absolutely, uh, lets see there's, uh, Vandelay Industries, I just saw them. I got very close there. very close. Mrs. Sokol: And what type of company is that? George: Latex, latex manufacturing Mrs. Sokol: And you interviewed there? George: Yes, for a sales position. Latex salesman, the selling of latex, and latex related products. They just wouldn't give me a chance. Mrs. Sokol: I'm going to need an address and a phone number for this uh, Vandelay company... Goerge: You like gum? 'Cause I have a friend in the gum business. I got a gum guy. I make one phone call. I got boxes of delivered right to your door. Mrs. Sokol: The address! George: YYYDDSSHE(?) ... Jose Jimenez. You recognize it? Mrs. Sokol: No. George: Jose Jimenez, ... verrry funny. ..very funny. Mrs. Sokol: The ADDRESS! George: uh, Uh, Vandelay Industries, is uh. 129 West 81st street. It's a very small industry Vandelay. It's one of the reasons I wanted to uh, work for them. Mrs. Sokol: The PHONE number. George: That's uh, KL5-8383. Are you calling them soon because, they keep very strange hours. Mrs. Sokol: As soon as I'm done wit you! George: Sure, well uh, you know I'll check in with you next week uh, I gotta run now because I got a full plate this afternoon. All right, really go to uh,. George: (Frantically, takes phone and screams...) He'll call you back. Kramer: (loungingly talking on phone) It's a par five. So you know I step up to the tee and I hit a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway. I mean you know my hook, right? Jerry: Elaine, how about this shirt? Is this okay? Elaine: Jerry, ... He's a GUY! Kramer: well it's a dog leg left, so I play the hook right? .. hold on there's another call. George: (Frantically) Jerry, Jerry? Kramer: George? George: Kramer put Jerry on the phone. Kramer: (Angrily) Yeah, look I'm in the middle of something. Call back. George: Kramer!! Kramer no!! Kramer: ... so the ball takes of and I'm waiting for it to turn. George: hitting phone Kramer: Yeah, I'll talk to Jerry. Yeah, [Hangs up] . . . you know that was Michael and Carol. She's wondering when we're going to come over and see the baby. Jerry: Oh, see the baby again with the baby.. Elaine: Who are they? Jerry: Uh, he's this guy who used to live in the building and they keep calling us to see the baby. Jerry: (imitates) Ya' gotta see the babi - When are ya' gonna see the babi... Can't they just send us a tape? Elaine: You know if you waited a few more months it won't be a baby anymore then you wouldn't have to see it. Jerry: uh uh because then it would be all grown up. Elaine: yeah ha ha ha Jerry: Hey Kramer what do you think of this shirt? Kramer: (does a double take) It's too busy Elaine: It looks like you're trying too hard to make an impression on him. You're not being yourself. Kramer: What guy? Jerry: I know he's just a guy but .. I LIKE him. Kramer: Who are you talkin about? Jerry: Uh, Keith uh Hernandez. Kramer: KEITH HERNANDEZ? Newman: (enters) KEITH HERNANDEZ? George: Do me a favor would you? Would you change lanes? Would you get outta this lane. You gotta get out of this lane. This lane stinks. They're all double parked here Please get outta this lane. I'm beggin you please please. George: You know what, bad mistake my mistake do me a favor go back to the other lane - you'll never get there - forget this lane - y'a kn ow what this lane stinks - go back to the other lane - bad decision - go go go take this light - take this light - Cabby: That's it GET OUT!! George: Get out? Cabby: Get out of my cab. George: Wa, I'm not getting out of this cab George: No, no! You can't throw me out Jerry: Hellooo Newman. Kramer: I hate KEITH HERNANDEZ - hate him. Newman: I despise him. Elaine: Why? Newman: Why? I'll tell you why... Kramer: Let me tell it .. Newman: No, you can't tell it .. Kramer: You always tell it .. Newman: All right, tell it. Kramer: Ja ja ja - just tell it Newman: June 14, 1987... Mets Phillies. We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error to a five run Phillies ninth. Cost the Mets the game. Kramer: Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people, you know, they were waiting by the player's parking lot. Now we're coming down the ramp ... [cut to film of the day - like the Zabruter film - with the Umbrella man and everything - Oh so brilliant parody!!!] ... Newman was in front of me. Keith was coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, " Nice game pretty boy.". Keith continued past us up the ramp. Newman: A second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way front that day forward. Elaine: What was it? Kramer: He spit on us... and I screamed out, "I'm hit!" Newman: Then I turned and the spit ricochet of him and it hit me. Elaine: Wow! What a story. Jerry: Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss Benes as I've heard this story a number of times. Jerry: Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story Keith passes you and starts walking up the ramp then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple striking Newman between the third and forth rib. The spit then cam off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, Pauses In mid air mind you- makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic luggie. Newman: Well that's the way it happened. Jerry: What happened to your head when you got hit? Kramer: Well. uh, well my head went back and to the left Jerry: Again Kramer: Back and to the left Jerry: Back and to the left Back and to the left Elaine: So, what are you saying? Jerry: I am saying that the spit could not have come from behind ... that there had to have been a second spitter behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claimed that would have caused your head to pitch forward. Elaine: So the spit could have only come from the front and to the right. Jerry: But that is not what they would have you believe. Newman: I'm leavin'. Jerry's a nut. (Exits) Kramer: Wait, wait, (Exits) Jerry: The sad thing is we may never know the real truth. George: (Frantically) Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay industries? Jerry: No. What happened to you? George: Now, listen closely. I was at the unemployment office and I told them that I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when now when the phone rings you've got to answer "Vandelay Industries". Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries? George: Right. Jerry: And what is that? George: You're in latex Jerry: Latex? And what do I do with latex? George: Ya manufacture it. Elaine: Here in this little apartment? Jerry: And what do I say about you? George: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman. Jerry: I'm going to hire you as my latex salesman? George: Right. Jerry: I don't think so. Why would I do that? George: Because I asked you to. Jerry: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk pushing papers around, you can forget it. I have enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff. Jerry: Yeah. Kramer: It's Keith. Jerry: All right we're coming down. George: KEITH HERNANDEZ? Jerry: Yeah, come on Elaine, lets go. George: Where are you goin? Elaine: He's giving me a ride You know there had to have been a second spitter. But who was it? Who had the motive? Jerry: That's what I've been trying to figure out the past five years. George: What the hell are you two talking about? (All exit) Jerry: Well that was really fun, thanks. Keith: Yeah, it really was. Jerry(Mind): Should I shake his hand? Jerry: Well, ... Keith: UH, do you want to catch a movie this weekend? Have you seen JFK? Jerry: No, I haven't. Jerry(Mind): This weekend. WOW! Jerry: Sure, that would be great. Jerry(Mind): Damn, I was too overanxious, he must have noticed that. Jerry: I mean, ... if you want to. Keith: Well, how about this Friday? Jerry: Yeah, Friday's okay. Jerry(Mind): Go ahead shake his hand. You're Jerry Seinfeld. You've been on the Tonight Show. Jerry: Well, good night [holds hand out and shakes hand] Keith: Goodnight. Oh, Jer, by the way, the woman we gave a ride to earlier tonight, Jerry: Elaine? Keith: Yeah. What's her story? Jerry: Uh, I don't know, we used to go out. Keith: Would you mind if I gave her a call? Jerry: For a date? Keith: Yeah. Jerry: Oh, no, uh, go ahead. You got a pen? Keith: You sure you don't mind? Jerry: ... (silence) Jerry: So then we went to dinner. George: Who paid? Jerry: We split it. George: Split it. Pretty good. Talk about game six? Jerry: Naw, I gotta wait until its just the right time. Jerry: Yeah Elaine: It's Elaine. Jerry: Come on up. George: So then what? Jerry: Uh, nuthin'. Then he took me home. George: Shake his hand? Jerry: (smiling) Yeah George: What kind of a shake does he have? Jerry: Good shake. Perfect shake. Single pump, not too hard, you know, doesn't have to prove anything, but, you know, firm enough to know he was there. George: So, uh, you gonna see him again? Jerry: He asked me if I was doing anything Friday night. George: Wow! The weekend. Jerry: So then as I was getting out of the car, ... Elaine: HI Jerry: Hi Elaine. Elaine: Sooo, how was your date? Jerry: What date? It's a GUY. Elaine: So you know , ... he called me. Jerry: Already? George: Keith called you? George: He he This guy really gets around. Elaine: Do you mind? Jerry: I don't mind at all. Why should I mind? What did he say? Elaine: He asked me out for Saturday night. Jerry: Oh, ya' going? Elaine: I told him I was busy. Jerry: Ah, really. Elaine: So, we're going out Friday. Jerry: Friday? Elaine: yeah. Jerry: He's going' out with you on Friday? Elaine: Yeah. Jerry: He's supposed to see ME on Friday. Elaine: Oh, uh, I didn't know. Jerry: We made plans. Elaine: Well, uh, I'll cancel it. Jerry: No, don't cancel it. Elaine: Huh. Well this is a little awkward, isn't it/ Jerry: Well, frankly it is. Elaine: I've never seen you jealous before. Jerry: Well you're not even a fan. I was at game six - you didn't even watch it. Elaine: Wait a second wait a minute, You jealous of him or you jealous of me? Jerry: Any Hennigans around here? Jerry: Vandelay Industries, Kel Varnsen speaking. May we help you? ... Oh Hi Keith. Na, I was just jokin' around Jerry: No. No. I don't mind at all. Elaine: (quietly) No, no, no, I can cancel. Jerry: Sure, we can do something next week. Elaine: (quietly) I can cancel. Jerry: No, its no problem at all. Elaine: (quietly) I,... Jerry: Okay, take it easy. (hangs up) That was Keith. we're going to do something next week. Kramer: Hey Jerry: Hey what are you doing Friday night? Jerry: Friday night? Nothin', ... now. Kramer: Okay, wanna come with me and see the baby? Jerry: Fasten your seat belts. we're goin' to see the baby. Kramer: Come on, if you don't see the baby now you're never gonna see it Jerry: All right, I'll go Kramer: All right Kramer: Yallo. What delay industries? Elaine: no no , .. George: (from bathroom) VANDELAY, SAY VANDELAY! Kramer: Na, you're way way way off.. Well, yeah that's the right number but this is an apartment George: (from bathroom) VANDELAY, SAY VANDEL... (George falls) ... Vandelay Industries, ... Kramer: no problem, ... no problem. [Hangs up] ... How did YOU know who that was? Jerry: And you want to be my latex salesman.

Mrs. Sokol: Just sign here please. George: I know who it was too. It was the guy who interviewed me. He was very threatened by me. Why else wouldn't he hire me? I could sell latex like that (snaps fingers). Mrs. Sokol: Sign that. George: Who is this? (sees photo) Mrs. Sokol: It's my daughta' George: THIS is your daughter? My God! My God! I I hope you don't mind my saying. She is breathtaking. Mrs. Sokol: Ya' think so? George: Ah, would you take this picture away from me. Take it away and get it outta here. Let me just sign this and go. Mrs. Sokol: You know she doesn't even have a boyfriend. George: Okay, Okay. Who do you think you're talking to? What are ya' you trying to make a joke, because it's not funny. I can tell you that. Mrs. Sokol: I'm serious. George: It's one think to not give me the extension But to tease and to torture me like this. There's no call for that. Mrs. Sokol: Would you like her phone numba'? Mrs. Sokol: Mrs. Sokol I, I don't know what to say. I, uh, where should I sign this thing? Mrs. Sokol: No no no, Don't worry about it. Elaine: So tell me more about this game SIX. Keith: Well, there was two outs, bottom of the tenth, we're one out away from losing the series. Elaine: ooooh ahhh Kramer: (to baby) Koochie koochie koochie koo Jerry: (to baby) Hello. How are you/ Carol: So, wadda ya' think? Do you love her? Jerry: Yes. I do love her. (to baby) You have a very nice place here. Carol: So how do you think she looks like? Kramer: Lyndon Johnson. Carol: What? Lyndon Johnson? Jerry: He's joking. Kramer: I'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon Johnson. Carol: Jerry, I can't believe it took you so long to come see the baby. I kept saying to Michael, "When is Jerry going to see the baby?" Jerry: I was saying the same thing. Carol: Let's take a picture. Michael, get the camera. Jerry: Uh, you don't have to take a picture. Mike: I don't know where it is. Carol: It's in the bottom draw' of are dressa'. Hurry up! He's such an idiot. Jerry: Jerry, You want to pick her up? Jerry: I better not. Kramer: I'll pick her up. Carrie: Thank you for a wonderful time George. George: Glad you enjoyed it. Carrie: I haven't had a Big Mac in a long time. George: millions and millions Carrie: Would you like to come up? George: [pause] Would I like to come up? I would love to come up. I, I'm fighting not to. Fighting! Unfortunately I uh have to get an early start tomorrow. Gotta' get up and hit that pavement Carrie: But it's Saturday. all the offices are closed. George: I got me an appointment with a hardware store. I'm not saying I want to do it for the rest of my life, but, uh, hardware fascinates me. Don't you love to make a key? Carrie: Will you call me as soon as you get home? George: [pause] Tonight? Carrie: Yes. George: Will I call you when I get home? ha ha What do you think? ee, you kill me kill me Carrie: Well. good night.[puckers up] Kramer: Well it was an accident. Right Jerry it was an accident. Ah, she's going to be all right. .. baby, baby, ah, baby. Elaine: Well, thanks for a nice evening. It was really fun. Keith: Yeah, it was. [mind] Gosh, should I kiss her good night? Elaine: [mind] Is he going to try to kiss me? Elaine: I love Cajun cooking. Keith: Really, you know my mom's one quarter Cajun. Elaine: Uh, my father's half drunk. ha ha ha ha Keith: Maybe they should get together. [mind] Go ahead. Kiss her. I'm a baseball player dammit. Elaine: [mind] What's he waiting for? I thought he was a cool guy. Keith: [mind] Come on I won the MVP in 79. I can do whatever I want to. Elaine: [mind] This is getting awkward. Keith: Well, goodnight Elaine: Good night Elaine: [mind] Who does this guy think he is? Keith: [mind] I'm Keith Hernandez. Elaine: Uh, who else? Mookie. Mookie was there. Do you know him? Jerry: I don't know him. I know who he is. Elaine: Hum, he's such a great guy. You should meet him. You know he's the one who got that hit Jerry: I know. He got the hit in game SIX. So, so then what happened? Elaine: Nuthin'. Then he took me home. Jerry: So, did you two, uh, have uh, Elaine: What?! Jerry: You know Elaine: Milk? Jerry: No! Elaine: Cookies? Jerry: Did he kiss you good night? Elaine: I dunno. Jerry: What do you mean you don't know? Elaine: All right. He kissed me. Okay? Jerry: Well, what kind of a kiss? Was it a peck? Was it a kiss? Was it a long make out thing? Elaine: Between a peck and a make out. Jerry: So, you like him. Elaine: I don't understand. Before you were jealous of me. Now you're jealous of him? Jerry: Ah, I'm jealous of everybody. Jerry: hello. Oh, hi. What's happening? what? oh um, sure, um, yeah, okay, uh. I'll see you then. Yeah, yeah, Bye. Elaine: Who was that? Jerry: That was Keith. Elaine: What's going on? Jerry: He wants me to help him move. Elaine: Help him move? Move what? Jerry: You know, furniture. Elaine: So, what did you say? Jerry: I said yes, but I don't feel right about it. I mean I hardly know the guy. That's a big step oin a relationship. The biggest. That's like going all the way. Elaine: And you feel you're not really ready for, Jerry: Well we went out one time. Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong? Kramer: What's going on? Jerry: Keith Hernandez just asked me to help him move. Kramer: What? Well, you hardly know the guy. What a nerve. You see wasn't I right about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going to do it are you? Jerry: I said yes. Kramer: YOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride or self respect? I mean, how can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going to do? You're going to start driving him to the airport? Jerry: I'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT! .. Kramer: yeah yeah Jerry: hey Kramer do me a favour . Kramer: What? Jerry: Don't mention it to anybody. Kramer: I wish you never mentioned it to ME. [exits] George: I had a great time tonight Carrie. And I am going to call you as soon as I get home. Carrie: Don't bottha George: Bother, wa', what kind of bother? Carrie: I would prefa' it if ya' didn'. George: Why? Is there anything wrong? Carrie: It's over buddy. Done. Finished. So long. Good bye. Adios. Sayanara. George: Why? Carrie: I bin thinkin about it. You got no job. You got no prospects. You're like Biff Loman. George: I went to the hardware store interview. Carrie: You think I'm going to spend my life with somebody because he can get me a deal on a box of nails? George: I thought were a team. Carrie: If I ever need a drill bit I'll call you. (exits car) George: Carrie, could you do me a favour? Could you not mention this to your mother? Kramer: Ya know I hate to brag but, uh, I did win eleven straight golden gloves. Elaine: (chuckles) Kramer: I wouldn't have brought it up but since you mentioned it. Elaine: Ha, I didn't mention it. Kramer: Well I won them anyway. Elaine: Well so what. I mean you played first base. I mean they always put the worst player on first base. That's were they put me and I stunk. Kramer: Elaine. you don't know the first thing about first base. Elaine: ha ha well I know something about getting to first base. And I know you'll never be there. Kramer: The way I figure it I've already been there and I plan on rounding second tonight at around eleven o'clock. Elaine: Well, uh, I'd watch the third base coach if I were you 'cause I don't think he's waving you in. You know I hate to say this but I think we're really hitting it off. Get it? Get it? Kramer: Funny. Elaine: What are you doing? Kramer: What's that? Elaine: You smoke? Kramer: Yeah. Elaine: I didn't know you SMOKED. Kramer: Is that a problem? Elaine: Uh, Jerry: She likes him I mean she really likes him. George: How do you kn ow? Jerry: Who wouldn't like him? I like him. And I'm a guy. George: I suppose he's an attractive man, I , Jerry: Forget that. He's a ball player. MVP< 1979. I'm making wise cracks in some night club. This guy was in game six. They're a perfect match. They like go together. They're like one of these brother and sister couples that look alike. George: Hate those couples. I could never bee one of those couples. There are no bald woman around. You know? Jerry: You know I know this sounds a little arrogant but I never thought she would find anyone she would like better than me. Ya know, I guess I had my chance and that's that. George: You know what I would like to do? I would really like to have sex with a tall woman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant Like six five. Jerry: Really? George: What was the tallest woman you ever slept with? Jerry: I don't know six three. George: Wow, god! You see this is all I think about. Sleeping with a giant. It's my life's ambition. Jerry: So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than say, Thomas Edison, Magellan, these types of people. George: Magellan? You like Magellan? Jerry: Oh, yeah,. My favourite explorer. Around the world. Come on. George: Who do you like? George: I like DeSoto. Jerry: DeSoto? What did he do? George: Discovered the Mississippi. Jerry: Oh. like they wouldn't have found that anyway. George: All right, I've got to go down to the unemployment office. Wanna take a walk? Jerry: No I can't I've got some stuff to do then I've got to meet Keith at my apartment at three. I'm helping him move. George: What? The guy asked you to HELP HIM MOVE? Wow. Jerry: I know isn't that something? Kramer: He's got money. Why doesn't he just pay a mover? Jerry: I don't know he's got some valuable antiques, He's worried they'll break something. George: The next thing you know, he'll have you driving him to the airport.. Jerry: I'M NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!! George: I gave. I gave everything I could Mrs. Sokol. but nothing was good enough for her. Mrs. Sokol: Sign here please. George: Ha, I don't know who she's looking for. I don't know. I'll tell you something. She's very particular, your daughter. Very particular. What is she looking for some big hot shot businessman? Well I've got my pride too. I'm not going to beg her. Mrs. Sokol: All right just sign it. People are waiting. George: You, uh, you like baseball? [picks up baseball from desk] Mrs. Sokol: That was autographed by the '86 Mets. I saw every inning that year. George: Funny, cause I happen to be very good friends with Keith Hernandez. Mrs. Sokol: You know Keith Hernandez. George: Know him? Would you, uh, like to meet him? Mrs. Sokol: Oh, come on. Come on. George: I can produce Keith Hernandez right here within the hour. Mrs. Sokol: All right. You got ONE hour. George: All right Mrs. S. I and my good pal Keith Hernandez will be right back. George: 129 west 81st street and hurry. George: Goodbye (exits cab) Keith: Better bring your gloves, it's freezing out there. It shouldn't take too long. I'd say maybe, oh, four hours. Really though, Jerry, there's not that much. First we got the bedroom, we got two dressers and the bed. Jerry: Is there a box spring? Keith: What's that? Jerry: Is there a box spring? Keith: Yeah there's a box spring but it's attached to the headboard and we'll have to take that apart. Then we got the couch. Jerry: Is that a sectional? Keith: Yeah. Twelve pieces. <not clear> coffee table. Jerry: Is that a thick marble? Keith: Three inches thick. Got it in Italy. But the BIG problem is going to be the convertible sofa. You see when you move it it tends to open up so it's going to be real difficult getting it down the stairs. Jerry: STAIRS??? There's no elevator? Keith: Nah, it's a brownstone. Three floors. Jerry: I'm sorry I can't do this. I can't do it. I can't. It, it's too soon. I don't know you. I can't help you move. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't. Kramer: Hello. Keith: Hello. Kramer: Oh, you don't remember me. Keith: No should I [continuity error in fact he SHOULD from the basketball game] Kramer: Yeah, you should. I certainly remember you. Let me refresh your memory. Newman: June 14th, 1987. Mets Phillies. You made a big error. Cost the Mets the game. Then you're coming up the parking lot ramp. Keith: YOU said, "Nice game, pretty boy." Kramer: Ah, you remember. Newman: And then you spit on us. Keith: Hey, I didn't spit at you. Newman: Oh, yeah, right. Kramer: No no no, well, then who was it? Keith: Well lookit, the way I remember it (back to the grainy 8mm film parody) I was walking up the ramp. I was upset about the game. That's when you called me pretty boy. It ticked me off. I started to turn around to say something and as I turned around I saw Roger McDowell behind the bushes over by that gravely road. Anyway he was talking to someone and they were talking to you. I tried to scream out but it was too late. It was already on its way. Jerry: I told you! Newman: Wow, it was McDowell. Jerry: But why? Why McDowell? Kramer: Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right field stands cursing at him in the bullpen all game. Newman: He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head. Newman: It was McDowell. Kramer: Oh boy. Uh, look uh, Keith, uh, we're sorry. Newman: Yeah, I couldn't be sorrier. I uh. Keith: look guys, don't worry about it, I uh, Well I guess I better get going. Kramer: Wait, uh what are ya' doing? Keith: I gotta move. Kramer: Want any help? Keith: I'd love some. Kramer: I'd love to help you move. Newman: Me too. Keith: Ok guys, we gotta be careful of one thing. Some of the stuff's very fragile We're going to have to handle it like a baby. Kramer: No sweat. Jerry: Hello, oh hi Elaine .. what's going on no he just left you broke up with him? ME TOO .. what happened? oh smoking you know you're like going out with C. Everet Coope me nah I couldn't go through with it I just didn't feel ready so what are you doing now? Oh, great idea, I'll meet you there in like thirty minutes. Okay bye. George: Keith, Keith Wa What happened? Where's Keith? Jerry: You just missed him. he just left. What do you need him for? George: (out the window) Keith, Keith, up here. Can you do me a favor? I need you to go to the unemployment office with me. I, I'm Jerry's friend the guy from the locker room, I'm the chucker. It'll take five minutes. Wait. Wait. Jerry: Well Biff/ What's next? George: I don't know. Tall Girl: Excuse me. I was walking behind you and you dropped your wallet.

George: It's all departures. I see nothing but departures. (to the woman beside him) Do you know where the arrivals are? George: Excuse me, sir, do you have the time? Man: There's a clock over there. George: Where? Man: (pointing) There. George: But you have a watch on. Man: It's right by the escalator. George: Why don't you just look at your watch? Man: I told you, it's right over there. George: Let me see the watch. Man: Hey! What are you, some kind of nut?! George: You know we're living in a society! Jerry: George. George: Jerry. Jerry. Jerry: Sorry, the flight was delayed, how long've you been waiting? George: I just got here. My car broke down on the Belt Parkway. Jerry: Oh I can't believe- why don't you get rid of that piece of junk. George: One mile from the exit it starts shaking, really violently shaking, like it's having a nervous breakdown. It completely stopped dead. Jerry: So you have no car? George: No. Jerry: So what good are you? Jerry: I'll tell you one thing, this chauffeur's gonna be waiting a while, O'Brien's not showing up. George: How do you know? Jerry: He was in Chicago, the flight was overbooked, wouldn't let him on the plane. He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square Garden. George: We should take his limo. Jerry: Yeah, right. George: Wait a second. Think about it. He's not showing up. Wait till you see the line of cabs, its like forty-five minutes long. You said he's in Chicago. Jerry: He's definitely in Chicago. George: Well the guy's just standing there. Jerry: How would we do it? George: We just go up to him, we say, "We're O'Brien." Jerry: Maybe he knows O'Brien? George: No, he doesn't know O'Brien, if he knew O'Brien he wouldn't have a sign. Let's just do it. Jerry: What if we get caught? George: What's gonna happen? They can't kill us. Jerry: Who's gonna be O'Brien? George: I'll be O'Brien. Jerry: Who am I? George: You're you. Jerry: Just me? George: Yeah. Jerry: Okay. George: What, you don't want to be you? Jerry: Well if you're gonna be O'Brien, why can't I be somebody? George: Like who? Jerry: Dylan Murphy. Jerry: What, now you wanna be Dylan Murphy? George: Well I like Dylan. Jerry: You could be Colin. George: Colin O'Brien. Jerry: I'm Dylan Murphy. George: I'm Colin O'Brien. George: Are we really doing this? Jerry: Come on, Man: (to George) Hey, do you have the time? George: Clock over there. (to chauffer) O'Brien. Chauffeur: Yes sir. George: Sorry we're late. Chauffeur: Here let me take that for you. George: Oh thank you. Chauffeur: I'll get the car and I'll bring it around front. George: Thank you very much. Dylan? Jerry: Colin? George: This is incredible! This is one of the greatest things I've ever done in my life! I'm gonna call my mother. Jerry: What for? George: I dunno, I'm in a limo. (dials) Hello ma? It's me. Guess where I am. In the back of a limo. No, nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell you now. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would you stop it? Alright, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you! How's this? I'm *never* telling you! I don't care! No! Fine! Never!! Jerry: She happy for you? George: Can he hear us? Jerry: No. Why? George: I thought I saw him look in the mirror suspiciously. Jerry: He can't hear us. George: Let's test him. Hey, driver. What do you say we stop off, pick up your sister, have a little fun back here? No, he can't hear us. Jerry: Where's he dropping us? Maybe we can get him to drop us right at my house? George: We'll ask him. (opens partition) My dear fellow, where are you dropping us? Chauffeur: Madison Square Garden, of course. I have the four passes. George: Of course, the uh, the four passes. (closes partition) Four passes to Madison Square Garden? Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Of course! Chicago! The Knicks are playing the Bulls tonight! Jerry: What? George: We are going to the Knick game! Michael Jordan! Jerry: We're going to the Knick game! George: Did I tell you?! Did I tell you?! Jerry: I can't believe it! You may have hit with this one! George: You see, you see? I see things as they are and I say, 'no!' Uh, wait, you see things as they are not and you s- Wait, uh, you see things, do you see things as they are? What do you say when you see things? Jerry: Lemme call Elaine and Kramer. George: If I see things as they are, I would ask 'why' or 'why not?' Jerry: Elaine? It's me. What are you doing tonight? Great. George and I have tickets, four free passes to the Knicks-Bulls game, Madison Square Garden. Can you go? Great, listen, call Kramer, tell him to meet us on the corner at seven o'clock. Alright. We're gonna pick you up in a limo. That's right baby-doll. Hey listen, when we pick you up, I'm Murphy and George is O'Brien. I can't tell you now, it's a long story. I am serious. Okay. Okay bye. (opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver, we have to make a little stop first. Chauffeur: I know. Jerry And George: He knows? George: Where are we going? Why are we pulling off here? Jerry: Maybe it's a shortcut. George: We're on the Grand Central, there's no traffic. Jerry: (opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver, why are we getting off this exit? Chauffeur: Pick up the other members of your party. George: Right. The other members of our party. (closes partition) Other members of our party? What other members of our party? I didn't even know we were in a party. Oh, I'm telling you, the jig is up. Jerry: It was a bad jig to begin with, we never should have started this jig. George: It was a good jig. Jerry: It was a bad jig, a terrible terrible jig. What are we gonna do now? They're gonna know you're not O'Brien. George: There could be more than one O'Brien on a plane who ordered a limo. Jerry: First of all, you don't look like any O'Brien, period. George: Well you should have been O'Brien. Jerry: I don't want to be Murphy anymore; do I still have to be Murphy? George: Yes, you have to be Murphy. Jerry: It makes no sense now, me being Murphy. George: You're Murphy! Jerry: I'm Seinfeld! George: You're Murphy!! Look, let's just jump out of the car. Jerry: We're doing sixty miles an hour! George: So we jump and roll, you won't get hurt. Jerry: Who are you, Mannix? George: We're slowing down. Are those the people? Jerry: Alright put your hands up over your face, pretend you're sleeping. Woman: (reaches out to Jerry) Mr. O'Brien? Jerry: No, I'm, uh, Dylan Murphy. Mr. O'Brien had a long trip, he's sleeping. Eva: (whispering) Oh, well I don't want to disturb him. We're just rather excited to meet him face to face, finally. We're faithful readers of his newsletter. Jerry: Newsletter? Tim: And of course, his great book, "The Game". Jerry: Oh, yes, he's very proud of his work in the big game. So you've never uh, met him before? Eva: No. Jerry: Never seen a picture of him? Eva: Never. Jerry: Not even on the book jacket? Eva: There was no picture on the book jacket. Jerry: (nudging George) Hey O'Brien, wake up, c'mon, we got company. Wake up. George: Hello. I'm O'Brien. Kramer: Hey! Elaine: Hey! Kramer: What, you took a cab? Elaine: Yeah? So? Kramer: How much do you make? Elaine: I'm not telling you. Kramer: C'mon. Elaine: No! Kramer: I'll tell you how much I make. Elaine: I know how much you make. I don't even know why I'm doing this, I don't even like basketball. Kramer: You ever seen Michael Jordan? Elaine: Just in those commercials. Kramer: Maybe you'll see him do one of those three-sixty dunks. Elaine: What's that? Kramer: Oh, it's like this, here, you guard me. Elaine: Huh? Kramer: Yeah. Jerry: (checking his watch) I don't think we're gonna make the tip off. Tim: You think someone's been tipped off? George: So, um, you've read "The Big Game", have you? Eva: (fawning) Yes I've read it and I've memorized it. George: Tell me your impressions, I would love to hear what a young woman thinks of "The Big Game". Eva: Well, this is sort of embarrassing, but it's changed my life. The way you analyzed the game? The way you identify the major players? Well it left me breathless. You're a brilliant, brilliant man. George: Well, it's just a game. Remember that, kids. Tim: Just a game. He's so humble. Don't forget what you wrote in the epilogue, the fate of the world depends on the outcome of this game. George: Well, I was exaggerating a bit, just for effect. Jerry: He tends to exaggerate. George: Okay, I mean it's serious but- Eva: We are really looking forward to your speech tonight. George: Uh, my speech? Eva: Yes, your secretary faxed me the copy. Would you like to look it over? Jerry: Well you might as well look it over. Kramer: So what's going on, how did all this happen? Elaine: Jerry and George called me from this limo and they said we're all going to the Knicks-Bulls game. Kramer: Limo? I thought that George went to pick him up. Elaine: He did. Kramer: Well then why would they take a limo from the airport? Elaine: I don't know. Kramer: That's pretty strange. Did he say anything else? Elaine: Yeah. He said, um, he said it's really important that we call them O'Brien and Murphy. Kramer: O'Brien. Why would he want to be called O'Brien? George: ...and the Jews steal our money through their Zionist occupied government and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed white minority communities. Jerry: You're not going to open with that, are you? Eva: What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust? George: I said so many things. George: They're shooting! They're shooting! Tim: (pulling out a gun) Alright, get down! George: That's really very nice of you, Eva. Thank you. Eva: But of course you know I would. I would do anything for you. Anything. Tim: Nothing to worry about, it was just a flat tire. But rest assured, we're prepared to handle anything that might come up. Jerry: Nice looking Lugar. Jodi: I'm standing in front of the Paramount adjacent to Madison Square Garden where a growing number of vociferous and angry demonstrators are gathering to protest the very first public appearance of Donald O'Brien, the leader of the midwestern regional chapter of the Aryan Union, and reputed to be their most charismatic spokesman. The reclusive Mr. O'Brien is an advocate of the violent overthrow of the government. He has openly professed a deep admiration of Adolf Hitler. Even David Duke has denounced him as a dangerous extremist. There is a full house inside awaiting his arrival from the airport. Sources tell me he is in route and should be arriving momentarily. Police have set up barricades, but quite frankly Bill and Jean, I don't think they're any match for the emotional fuse that has been lit here tonight. Reporting from the Paramount, I'm Jodi Baskerville, back to you in the studio. Kramer: Something's very strange. George goes to the airport to pick up Jerry. They come back in a limo with four tickets to the basketball game and wanna be called O'Brien and Murphy? O'Brien. O'Brien, why O'Brien? Dan: Elaine? Elaine: Dan! Oh, hi Dan, how are you? Dan: Good. Elaine: Um, oh, this is um, Kramer. Dan: Oh, Kramer? Elaine: What's going on? Dan: Oh, we're heading down to protest this big neo-nazi rally. The head of the Aryan Union is speaking, he's in from Chicago. You should come. Elaine: Oh, can't, I'm going to the Knicks-Bulls game. Dan: Oh, well that's where the rally is. The Paramount, right next door. Elaine: Oh, well, maybe we'll run into you. Dan: Yeah, yeah ok. It's really gonna be something, this is the first time he's ever appeared in public, no one even knows what he looks like. Kramer: Who? Dan: The head of the Aryan Union; O'Brien. Jerry: What's taking him so long out there? George: Didja see the way she was looking at me? Jerry: She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi! George: I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi though. Jerry: Well we gotta make a plan before they come back, what are we gonna do? George: I don't know. Jerry: Let's just make a run for it. George: I can't run, I have a bad hamstring. Jerry: How'd that happen? George: I hurt it in a hotel room. You know where they tuck the covers in real tight in those hotel rooms? I can't sleep like that so I tried to kick it out and I pulled it. Jerry: I know, why do they make that bed so tight? You gotta sleep with your feet like that. George: For a mental patient. Wait a minute, the phone, we'll call the police. George: 9... 1... 1. She said she'd do anything. Hello, police? Uh, yeah listen, we're in the back of a limo in Queens- George: -Astroturf? You know who's responsible for that, don't you?! The Jews! Ah, the Jews hate grass. They always have, they always will. Tim: We'll be ready in a minute. George: Would you excuse us for a minute Tim boy, we're kind of in the middle of something. Tim: With all due respect, Mr. O'Brien, we're just about to leave. George: Tim, who's the head of the Aryan Union, you or me? Tim: You are. George: And who's responsible for making hate mongering and fascism popular again? Tim: You are. George: Good. I think you forgot something. Tim: I'm sorry. George: Good. Now get out. George: Okay, what are we gonna do? Jerry: I don't know. George: Alright, how's this? We wait till we get to your street corner, we see Elaine and Kramer then we get out. They can't shoot us in the city. Jerry: Nah. No one's ever been shot in the city. Kramer: I'm telling you, something's going on. I can feel it, sense it. Elaine: I'm sure he was just joking around. Kramer: Oh no no no, this is no joke. O'Brien's coming in from Chicago, Jerry's in a limo, says he's O'Brien? That's not funny. Oh my god. Yes. Yes! Elaine: What is it? Kramer: Don't you see? There's always been something very strange about Jerry, always so clean and organized. Do I have to spell it out for you? The limo? The name? The rally at Madison Square Garden? Jerry, O'Brien are the same person. Jerry is the leader of the Aryan Union! Elaine: Jerry's a nazi?! Kramer: I can't believe I didn't see it. Elaine: Listen, you idiot! Just calm down! I know Jerry, he's not a nazi. Kramer: You don't think so. Elaine: No, he's just neat. Tim: You know it's funny. You don't look like an O'Brien. George: Me?? Tim: And you really don't look like a Murphy. Jerry: I may not look like a Murphy but I act like a Murphy. George: He's extremely Murphy. He's Murphy to a fault. Tim: Where are you from? Jerry: Dublin. Originally. Parents came over here when I was eighteen. Cereal famine. Couldn't get a bowl anywhere. Bad. 'Tis a beautiful country though; lush rolling hills, and the peat, ah the peat. Tim: Sounds more like Scottish. Jerry: We were right on the border. Kramer: Maybe he's with the company. Elaine: What? Kramer: The CIA! Maybe they placed him in there to infiltrate the organization from within. Elaine: What about his comedy act? Kramer: That's the perfect cover! All that time on the road? Look Jerry, he's too normal to be a comedian. These comedians, they're sick, neurotic people. Elaine: What about George? Kramer: What about him, he's part of it. His whole personality is a disguise. No real person can act the way he does. Elaine, I'm telling you they're with the organization. They're all part of it. He's in there with Helms and Hunt and Liddy, that whole crowd. George and Jerry, they probably know who killed Kennedy! Elaine: I'll bet they were even in on it. Kramer: Alright, what are we gonna do? I'm not gonna let him hurt you. (grabs and hugs Elaine tightly) I'm not gonna. Elaine: Kramer, you're hurting me! George: Those are my friends I was telling you about. We're gonna talk to them, pull over. Elaine: Get off of me!! Kramer: O'Brien. Man #1: O'Brien? Is that him? Man #2: Yeah, that's him. Man #3: Look there's O'Brien! Man #4: Filthy nazi bastard! All Four Men: Let's get him!! George: What do I do?! What do I do?! Jerry: Get in the car! Get in the car! Kramer: (pointing to Jerry) O'Brien. Long time no see. How's tricks, Murphy? Tim: Why did you call him O'Brien and him Murphy? Jerry: No, he was talking to me, he's cross-eyed. Elaine: It could be very confusing. Kramer: Yeah? Eva? Eva: It's for me. (takes phone) Hello? (cups receiver) It's O'Brien. Kramer: O'Brien? Well that's weird. Eva: (gun drawn) Who are you? Jodi: A limousine has just pulled up it's being surrounded by a huge group of protestors, this has the makings of a very ugly scene. Jodi: They are banging on the car, trying to flip it over. The police seem unable or unwilling to control the crowd, I would imagine Mr. O'Brien must be having some very grave doubts if he made the right choice for his first public appearance. Eva: Get out!! Elaine: Look, it's Dan! Hi Dan! Dan: Elaine? Elaine: Hey! George: I am not O'Brien! I am not O'Brien! I'm not O'Brien! Ask anyone! Jerry?! Jerry?!!

Elaine: You know it's bad enough you have a car phone, you have to use the speaker? Jerry: It's safer! Plus it's more annoying to the other person. Jerry: Oh look at this guy. Elaine: What's goin' on? Jerry: Oh there's a guy trying to get in front of me, he has to ask permission. Yes. Go ahead. Get in, get in. Elaine: Did you get a thank you wave? Jerry: No, nothing. How could you not give a thank you wave? Hey buddy! Where's my thank you wave? Jerry: Give me that wave! Elaine: Jerry, are you free on Friday? Jerry: Yeah, I'm free, why? Elaine: Ah, God, I bumped into Robin Sandusky today, she asked me to have dinner with her and her husband. Jerry: Oh my God! You won't believe what I just saw! A car just bashed into a parked car, and sped off, right on my block! Elaine: You gotta follow that car! Jerry: What? Elaine: You can't let him get away with that! Jerry: Elaine, the guy could be dangerous. Elaine: What are you, yellow? Jerry: I'm not yella. (In a cowboy voice) Elaine: Jerry, if you don't follow him, you're yella. Jerry: Wait, he stopped, he's parking. Elaine: What? What? I can't hear you. Jerry? Jerry: Uh, excuse me, uh, I was uh, driving behind you, uh, a few blocks back, and I, I couldn't help, uh, maybe you didn't realize, uh, I witnessed that, uh, um, you're tire's a little low. That can affect the performance of the twin high-beam suspension, not to mention your rack and pinion steering. Jerry: So I wound up going out for a decaf cappuccino with her. George: Boy! What a story! I'm speechless. Speechless. I have no speech. Jerry: You know, I really liked her. We talked. We flirted. And when she left, she reached out and touched my arm. Jerry: He, he, he. (Simulating her feminine laugh) George: I love when they touch your arm. I can't get enough of that. Why is that? Jerry: Let's not even analyze it. George: So you didn't turn her in? Jerry: I wanted to but I couldn't go through with it. George: Gonna see her again? Jerry: Friday night. Jerry: Yep. Elaine: It's me! Jerry: Come on up. Jerry: By the way, Elaine does not need to know about anything. George: Hey, hey, hey! I dig. Jerry: Oh, you dig? George: Yes! I see enormous potential here. Jerry: Why? George: Because great couples always have a great story about how they met. That's why I've never been in a long term relationship. I've never had a good meeting story. Jerry: I wonder if I'm nuts for pursuing this woman at all. George: I don't think so. Jerry: Look, she slammed into a parked car! She took no responsibility for mutilating the property of a stranger, then she sped off like a criminal! Jerry: On the other hand, does that mean she should never be allowed to date again? You scratch one car and you're forbidden to have social contact for the rest of your life?! Jerry: What am I drinking, milk? Elaine: Hey! Jerry: Hi. Elaine: Sweater. Jerry: Thank you. Elaine: So? What happened? Jerry: With that? Elaine: With the car! Jerry: What car? Elaine: The hit and run! Jerry: Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, the hit and run. Well. Actually, the guy went into Queens. Elaine: Queens?! You followed him over the bridge? Jerry: Over the bridge. (Making a pointing motion with his hand) George: Oh, well I didn't know you went into Queens Jerry. Jerry: Yeah, Queens. Elaine: So? Then what? Jerry: So he gets out of the car, I say, "Hey buddy! I saw you hit that car!" So he says to me, "What are ya gonna do about it?" Jerry: So I said to him, "Whatever's necessary." Elaine: I am speechless. I am without speech. George: Tell her about the shoving. Jerry: What? Elaine: What shoving?! Jerry: Oh, it was nothing. George: No! Tell her. Jerry: Well he kinda lost his temper, and he was pushing me up against the car. So I went into a karate stance. (Jerry assumes karate position and does two punches) Elaine: You know karate?? Jerry: I know a little. Elaine: Well, this is so, amazing to me! Jerry what did do? Jerry: He backed off. Pretty pathetic actually. Kramer: Hey! (Group does likewise) Elaine: Did you tell Kramer? Jerry: Ah, nah! (Waving his hand and walking away) Kramer: What? What? What? Tell me. Elaine: Jerry saw this guy crash into a car, and he followed him. Kramer: Good for you! What kind of a sick lowlife would do a thing like that? You know those people, you know they're mentally disturbed. (Pointing a finger at Jerry) Kramer: They should be sent to Australia. Jerry: Australia? Kramer: Yeah, yeah, that's where England used to send their convicts. Jerry: But not anymore. Kramer: No. Elaine: Hey Kramer, Kramer! Kramer: Yeah? Elaine: What happened to you right here? (She pointing to her forehead) Kramer: I don't know! Kramer: You know I was watching Entertainment Tonight, and uh, suddenly I got dizzy. And the next thing I know I hit my head on the coffee table. Elaine: Well, that is, that is strange. Kramer: Yep. (Mumbles off) Elaine: Alright, oh Jerry, we're still on for Friday night, right? Jerry: Oh Friday, I can't, I'm sorry, I have a date. Elaine: But last night you said you were free! (Sounding very disappointed) Jerry: We just met. Kramer: Maybe it was a reaction to the sardines. Elaine: But I, I can't go alone! Jerry: Ask George to go with you. Elaine: George, come on! I'll pay for you. George: You'll pay? I'm there. Jerry: Why do you even need anybody? Elaine: Because I hate being at a table alone, with a married couple. Talking about their married friends, and their married furniture. They're always trying to make me feel like their life is so much better than mine. You know, I have a very exciting life. It's very exciting. (As she's closing the door to leave) Robin: You went out with a bullfighter? Elaine: Yes, well, an ex-bullfighter now. Michael: Wow. Robin: What was his name? Elaine: His name? Name, um, his name was uh, uh, Eduardo Carochio. George: Pass the salt please. Robin: Where did you meet him? Elaine: Um, actually, I met him in Switzerland, and he was fighting uh, is that the word they use? Fighting? Because they don't really fight the bull, they avoid fighting the bull. George: Bread. Elaine: I just love meeting new people. You know that's how you really do learn about life. George: God bless you. Robin: Thank you. George: I wasn't going to say anything, but then I could see that he wasn't going to open his mouth. (Chuckles) Woman: You know who's a good actor? Anthony Quinn. Jerry: Oh, Anthony Quinn, fine actor. But from what I understand, not a very good driver. Hits everything on the road. But always leaves a note. Woman: Did you ever see Zorba the Greek? Jerry: Excellent film. In fact Quinn said he never felt so good as when he left a note after smacking into a car. Woman: Come here. (moves in for a kiss) George: Really, I was, I was only kidding around. Robin: He was only joking Michael. Michael: You think you're so damn special because you say 'God bless you'? George: No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special. Robin: He was only joking Michael! Sorry. Michael: All right! Take his side! Robin: I am not taking his side. Michael: Well who's side are you taking?! Robin: Well I'm not taking your side! Jerry: Kirk Douglas. Now there's another very bad driver. But he's such an unbelievable guy, that when he hits someone, he doesn't even leave a note. He sits in his car and waits for the other person to show up so he can exchange license, registration, and apologize. George: I said 'God bless you'. Was that so wrong? Jerry: The question is, did you allow a space for the husband to come in with his 'God bless you'? Because as the husband, he has the right to first refusal. Elaine: It's me. Jerry: Come on up. George: Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let me say this Once he passes on that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs. Jerry: No argument. Unless, she's one of these multiple sneezers, and he's holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance, until she completes the series. George: Well I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, because she sneezed again later, and it was also a single. Jerry: What if she's having an off night? Elaine: Hi! Jerry: Hi. Elaine: Well! If it isn't mister gesuntheit! George: Oh ya, like there's something wrong with saying 'God bless you'. I was raised to say 'God bless you'. George: Ah, shut up. Elaine: What does it mean anyway? 'God bless you'. It's a stupid 'stuperstition'. Jerry: A stupid what? Elaine: Whatever. Jerry: You know, if you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn't say 'God bless you', you should say, 'You're soo good lookin''. Elaine: Yeah, yeah, that's better than 'God bless you'. Anyway, she left a message on my machine, she wants you to call her. George: Who? Elaine: Robin! George: Why?! Elaine: Well I assumed she called to apologize, that's why she called me. Jerry: Entertainment Tonight's on. George: Where's the remote phone? Jerry: Bedroom. Elaine: Hey, grab Jerry's sweater for me, would you? Jerry: What's it like out? Elaine: Chilly out. Jerry: Can I take a sweater? Elaine: Yeah, you can take a sweater if you want to. Jerry: Scarf? Elaine: Nah, hey, shut this off, shut it off. Jerry: What's the matter? What's going on? Kramer: What happened?! Elaine: What? Kramer: I think I hit my head again! Jerry: What is wrong?! Elaine: Hey, hey, wait a minute! Let me ask you something. Kramer, the last time you hit your head, was Mary Hart on TV? Kramer: Yeah. Elaine: That is it! Kramer: What? Elaine: That is it! Mary Hart's voice, don't you see? There's something about Mary Hart's voice that's giving you seizures. Just like, just like, just like that woman in Albany! Kramer: Mary Hart! George: God. Elaine: What? George: Well she apologized, and then she wanted to know if we could get together Wednesday afternoon. Jerry: Get together? George: Maybe she just wants to talk to me? Elaine: Married women don't 'get together'. They have affairs. George: Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me any money. Elaine: Are you actually considering this? George: I can't have an affair with a married woman, that's despicable! Elaine: Yeah, it's like hitting a car and driving away without leaving a note. Jerry: Yeah. Kramer: Hey, you know who owns that car? Jerry: What car? Kramer: The one that was hit a couple of nights ago. Jerry: Yeah who? Kramer: That blond across the street. You know the one with the long ponytail, she wears those blue sweatpants. Jerry: The blond with the blue sweatpants! Yeah, I think I've seen her. Elaine: Well I've got to get going. I'm meeting a guy with grey sweatpants. Kramer: Wait, wait, wait, how do you know it's not John Tesh? Jerry: The blond with the blue sweatpants! George: Well, who is she? Jerry: I've had a crush on this woman for year! I've always been afraid to approach her! She looks like she belongs on one of these Hallmark cards. George: Oh right, right! The blue sweatpants! Gees, it's too bad you can't say anything because of Angela. Jerry: Oh yeah. Too bad. Angela. Lousy thug. I mean what kind of sick person does something like that? That woman belongs in prison! I mean, I actually owe it to society to do something about this! I can't sit by and allow this to go on. It's a moral issue is what it is! George: You can't compromise your principles! Jerry: How am I going to live with myself?! George: Can't live! Jerry: I'm not religious, but I certainly know where to draw the line! George: This country needs more people like you! Jerry: Don't sell yourself short saying 'God bless you' to every Tom, Dick and Harry in great personal risk. George: I believe strongly in that as you know. Jerry: There should be more people like us. George: That's why the world's in the shape it's in. Jerry: You're telling me. Jerry: Anyway, I just wanted you to know, that I'm going to do everything I can to make sure the party responsible is made to be responsible or something very close to that. Becky: Well God bless you. Jerry: Thank you very much. George: Oh my God. I must be crazy. What have I done? Robin: Oh no, what's wrong? George: What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. I just committed adultery! Robin: You didn't commit adultery, I did. George: Oh yeah. Robin: If I didn't do it with you, I would have done it with someone else. George: Well, I wouldn't want you to do that. You know there's a lot of losers out there. Robin: Maybe even someone who didn't say 'God bless you'. George: Well, that's a given. Robin: In three years with Michael, not one 'God bless you'. George: Must be hell living in that house. Michael: Hi, it's Michael. Elaine: Hi, Michael! Michael: Is Robin there? Elaine: Robin? No, why? Michael: Uh, she said she was going to be with you. Elaine: No I haven't spoken to her all day-uh, yeah right, um, as a matter of fact, um, she was here, and she uh, left a note, but I wasn't here, but I have the note, uh, right here. Michael: If she's not with you, then where is she? Elaine: Well I, I don't know. Michael: Is she with your bald friend from the other night?! Elaine: No, no, come on Michael! Michael: He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his joints, and reattach them! Elaine: You're soo good lookin'. Angela: Now you listen to me, suck face! You tell anybody, anything, and I will carve my initials in your brain tissue! Jerry: Let me rephra- Angela: I'll bash your skull into a vegematic like a bad cabbage, and I'll have a party on your head! Jerry: Hi Elaine, this is Angela. Angela: I'll pluck all your body hairs out with my teeth! Jerry: Well I think I get the gist of it. Angela: So you don't say anything to anybody about me hitting that car! Jerry: What car? Angela: Good. I'm glad we understand each other. Jerry: It's not complicated. Elaine: Very nice meeting you! Elaine: Come on up. Elaine: Well, well, well, Mr. Seinfeld! That must have been so frightening! When you confronted that guy, in Queens! Now, let's just see if I've got this scenario right. Jerry: Alright Elaine. Elaine: No, no, no, no, no. Because I'm picturing 'French Connection', kind of thing. You know? Sort of a Popeye Doyle chase through the city! Jerry: It was just a couple of blocks. Elaine: Oh no, no, come on. Don't be so modest! George: Hey. Elaine: Oh, did you check you machine? George: No, why, what's happening? Elaine: Michael called me today, and he asked me where Robin was. George: Yeah, okay. Elaine: And I said I hadn't seen her. George: What?! Elaine: No, no George! You don't understand! She didn't tell me she was using me as an excuse! Okay?! But then I realized what was going on, and I said that she left a note. Um, but he didn't really buy that. And then, and then he did mention your name. George: He mentioned my name?! What did he say?! Elaine: He said he was going to sew your ass to your face. George: What? Why couldn't you think of something?! Elaine: Well I don't know, he caught me off guard! George: You lie! How hard is it to lie?! Jerry: It's not that hard. Elaine: Well who told you to sleep with her George?! George: It's not my fault! I wasn't going to do anything until you got her all juiced up with your story about having the affair with the matador! Elaine: Oh Gosh! None of this would never have happened if you wouldn't have said 'God bless you'! George: Oh don't- Jerry: Hold it! Hold it! Hold it people! Matador? What matador? George: She told this couple she had an affair with a matador. Jerry: A matador! Well, well, well. Uno momento por favor. Pray tell, what was the young man's name? Elaine: Uh, Eduardo, uh, Carochio. Jerry: Eduardo, Carochio! That's good. That's very good. Kind of just rolls of the tongue. I wonder where on the upper west side a single girl might meet a matador? Perhaps Zabars? Or Les Pizza! Jerry: Anyway, this person told me to tell you to get an estimate on the damage. Becky: Well, I already got an estimate. It's $875. Jerry: $875? Becky: That's right. Jerry: Uh, well, I'll tell you what. Um, I'll give you a check, and then this person can pay me back. Jerry: Um, who do I make it out to? Becky: Becky Gelke. G-E-L-K-E. Jerry: So, what are you doing this weekend? Becky: You have got some nerve! You smash up my car, you don't admit it, and now you want to ask me out on a date? Jerry: I didn't do it! Becky: Yeah righ- Jerry: You are soo good lookin'. Becky: Thank you. George: Jerry, let's go! You ready? Jerry: You sure you want to do this? I'm going to be on the road for three weeks! George: Excuse me, I've got a maniac stalking me, I'm not staying in the city. Jerry: Alright! George: Come on let's get out of here. Kramer: How could you? Jerry: What?! Kramer: Man! I never thought you were capable of this! Jerry: What did I do? Kramer: I just talked to Becky Gelke outside, she told me how you hit and ran. Jerry: I- Kramer: I don't even want to look at you anymore! All these years of friendship and you're nothing but a felon. You're an embarrassment to the building. Jerry: I didn't do it! I just had to pay her to cover for somebody else! Kramer: Now you're not going to lie to me, are you? Jerry: No, never. Kramer: Alright. Well. Glad we got that straightened out because I've got a date with her. Jerry: You got a date with Becky Gelke?! Kramer: Yeah, going out with her Saturday night. George: Jerry, can we get out of here?! Kramer: As a matter of fact, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have even had an excuse to talk to her. Jerry: Well I'm happy to help, in any way that I can.

Nina: (laughing) Kramer, would you hold still? I cant do this if you keep moving. Kramer: You sure you dont want me to take my clothes off? (beat) Ill do it! Nina: No, that's the last thing in the world I want you to do. Kramer: Well, why dont you take your clothes off? Nina: I dont know... I dont think Jerry would like that. Kramer: (debonair smile) Well, itd be our little secret. [Cut To: Jerrys apartment] George: (bursting out of the bathroom, fumbling with his fly) Button fly! Why do they put buttons on a fly? It takes ten minutes to get these things open! Jerry: I like the button fly. George: (incredulous) What? Jerry: That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth. Its like a mink trap down there. (beat) What are you doing today? George: Nothing. Jerry: I have to go meet Nina. Want to come up to her lot, check out her paintings? George: I dont get art. Jerry: Theres nothing to get. George: Well, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation. Jerry: She does a lot of abstract stuff. In fact she's painting Kramer right now. George: What for? Jerry: She sees something in him. George: So do I, but I wouldn't hang it on a wall. [Cut To: Nina's studio again-same scene] Kramer: Are you getting the eyes? 'Cause they're brown. (beat) Or, really, they're dark brown, like rich, Columbian coffee. Nina: Tell me about Elaine. Kramer: She and Jerry were a big thing, like Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd. Nina: But, they're still friends. Kramer: Oh yeah, they're like this (holds up two fingers together). Nina: Don't you think that's strange? Kramer: Why, what's the difference? Nina: Well, are you still friends with any of your ex-girlfriends? Kramer: Well, you know... I, uh... have many relationships. [Cut To: the door outside Nina's studio] George: You know, I'm a little nervous. Jerry: Why? George: Well, you know... the friend meeting the new woman. I feel like I'm getting fixed up for a friendship. Jerry: I don't know how long this is gonna last. George: Really? I thought you liked her. Jerry: I do... she's got like a jealousy thing. She doesn't like me having fun with anyone but her. (knocks on the door) George: You know, it's a miracle you're not married. (beat) Hey, I'm not obligated to buy anything, am I? Jerry: Hi, Nina. (smooch) This is my friend George. Nina: How nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you. (George nods) Jerry: (walking over to where Kramer is posing) Hey, look at this guy! Kramer: Yeah! Jerry: (to Nina) I brought George up to see some of your paintings. Nina: Oh, are you interested? George: (looking uncomfortable) Um... yeah! Sure, sure I'm interested. Kramer: George, you gonna buy a painting? George: (gritting teeth) Yeah, sure. Nina: Are you an art-lover? George: I am an art-adorer! I adore art. Nina: Great! Well, take a look around. Pick out something you like. (George reluctantly begins to look around, while Jerry strolls over to the painting-in-progress [Kramer] and picks up a brush.) Jerry: May I? (pantomimes making a big "X" across the painting) Nina: (laughing) Get outta here! (beat) Here, play with this. (hands Jerry a small white envelope) Jerry: What's this? Nina: My father gave me four tickets to the Yankee game for Saturday afternoon. Owner's box, first row behind the dugout. Jerry: (sincerely disappointed) Oh, Saturday... I'm working, I'm going out of town. Nina: Oh, well. I'm not gonna go without you. Do you guys want 'em? Kramer: (immediately) Yeah. Jerry: They're right behind the dugout, George, first row! George: Behind the dugout, are you kidding? How did you get them? Nina: Oh, my father's the Yankees accountant... it's the owner's box. George: All my life I've dreamed of sitting front row, behind the dugout! Nina: (gesturing towards a small, ugly painting George was apparently look-ing at and happens to be holding) You like that one? [Cut To: Saturday, the game. George, Kramer, and Elaine are being lead to their seats] George: Look at where we are! (referring to the seat usher) He's not stopping! He just keeps going and going and going! (the usher abruptly stops at the second row) We're not in the first row? Usher: No, no, these are your seats. George: She said first row! Right behind the dugout! Elaine: Well, it's the second row. It's just as good. George: I was all primed for the first row; I was gonna put my feet up on the dugout! Elaine: Would you shut up? These are great! You can't get any better than this. George: Oh, there's better, (pointing at the row in front of them) right there, that's better. Kramer: Right. (Elaine giggles) Oh boy... okay, who wants a dog? (Kramer hands out the hot dogs)What a great day! Elaine: I could've been at my boss' son's bris right now. George: (amused) You're supposed to do that? Elaine: (shrugs) Yeah. (beat) What makes you think anyone would want to go to a circumcision? George: I'd rather go to a hanging. Elaine: Anyway, I called him back... I told him I had to go visit my father in the hospital in Maryland. (George laughs) Kramer: (screaming at the players on the field) YOU BETTER CATCH IT, Man: George? George: Yeah? Man: Hi. I'm Leonard West, Nina's father. George: Hi! Mr. West, this is my friend Elaine- Elaine: Hi! Kramer: (screaming again) HEY, 230 AIN'T GONNA CUT IT IN THIS TOWN, BABE! George: -and this is Kramer. Kramer: Oh, hey. West: So how are the seats? George: Okay. Elaine: Great, great. Kramer: Yeah. West: George, I heard you bought one of Nina's paintings. George: Yeah, it's being framed right now. I don't even know what it costs. (beat) Not, uh, too expensive, is it? West: Well, if you have a lot of money. West: (leaving) Well, enjoy the game. (beat - to Elaine) I think you better take off that Orioles cap. Elaine: (thinking he's joking) Yeah. I better! West: No, no, no. Seriously. You're in the owner's box, and I don't think it's a good idea. Elaine: You're not serious. West: Yes, yes, yes, I am! Elaine: Well, did he say that? West: No, no, but he gave me the seats. I don't think he'd like it if you wore an Orioles cap. Elaine: Well maybe you should ask him! West: I don't have to ask him! Now are you gonna take the hat off or not? Elaine: No! I don't have to take it off, why should I take it off? This is ridiculous!! George: Just take the cap off. Elaine: George, we are at a baseball game! This is America! West: Look. Either you take the cap off, or you'll have to leave. Elaine: Well, I don't care, I'm not taking it off. George: Just take the cap off! Elaine: No! Kramer: Hey! Just wait a minute. We just got here! George: (to Elaine) Do you want us to go with you? Kramer: (getting up) I'll go get your hat, George. Elaine: (sarcastically, to George) Stay! George: Okay, we'll go! (Meanwhile Kramer Is Climbing Over The Dugout Retrieve George'S Cap... The Camera Cuts To The Field Where The Batter Hits A Pop Fly To Where Kramer Is: the ball knocks him squarely in the head, he falls off the dugout onto the crowd) Elaine: ...and then the ball hits him in the head and he falls right over the railing! Jerry: Is he okay? Elaine: Well, yeah, he's fine! We took him to the emergency room, and you know, the x-rays were all negative. (beat) It was quite a day! Jerry: This is the most amazing story I've ever heard-why did he want you to take off the baseball cap? That is so insane! Elaine: I know! Can you imagine that? Jerry: How you feeling? Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (beat-holds up newspaper) Hey, we made the paper. Eh? Look at this- page 2, sports section... we're all in the picture. Elaine: Wha- a picture? Kramer: A picture. Elaine: OUR PICTURE'S IN THERE?? Kramer: Uh-huh. Elaine: (gasps) I cannot believe this! Jerry: (pointing) There's George! Kramer: Yup, yup! Elaine: Ohmygod! Lippman could see this! He thinks I was visiting my father! Oh my g-I make up one little white lie and they put my picture in the paper! [Cut To: Lippman's office. Lippman is at his desk, Elaine enters.] Elaine: Hi, Mr. Lippman. Lippman: How's your father? Elaine: My, my father? Lippman: Yeah. You, you went to see him, right? Elaine: Yeah. Lippman: Uh-huh. Elaine: I went to visit him. Lippman: Uh-huh. So, what was wrong with him? Elaine: Well, you name it, uh, neuritis, uh, neuralgia... Lippman: But-but he's feeling better now? Elaine: Um, yup. Yes, yes, it just... such a miracle, um. My visit must have buoyed (Elaine says "boyed") his spirits. Lippman: (correcting her) Boo-eed. Elaine: What-what did I say? Lippman: You said "boyed." Elaine: I did? Lippman: Yeah. Lippman: Well, I got a plane to catch. Elaine: Oh! Where are you going? Lippman: Going to Houston. It's a publisher's convention. (beat) Can I have my sports section? Elaine: Ah. ...Yeah. Lippman: I've been saving it for the plane. I never miss the Sunday sports section. Elaine: There's nothing to read, it's just yesterday's news. You know, the Yankees won, the Mets lost, Ricky Henderson's unhappy... Lippman: Right, right. (starts to take the paper from Elaine's hand; Elaine holds on tight.) What, what are you doing? Elaine: Wha- oh! (noticing her hand) Oh, god! (laughs) That is the THIRD time today I have done that! BLAAAH! (laughs again) Grabbing news- papers... I'm just tugging at 'em... (laughs) Lippman: Gotta go. Elaine: Okay! Well, you know, have a nice trip, and uh... alrighty! (beat) I'll just hold down the, uh, fort! [Cut To: Nina's studio. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong are admiring Nina's "Kramer."] Mrs.Arm: I sense great vulcrability. A land child crying out for love, an innocent orphan in the post-modern world. Mr. Arm: I see a parasite. Mrs.Arm: A sexually-depraved miscrient, who is seeking to gratify only his most basic and immediate urges. [Cut To: Another part of the studio where Jerry and Nina are arguing.] Nina: She was a guest of my father's. She should've taken the cap off. Jerry: It's preposterous! They ask someone to take off a baseball cap at a baseball game. (beat) How can you defend that? [Cut To: Armstrongs admiring painting again.] Mrs.Arm: He is struggled, he is man-struggled. He lifts my spirit! Mr. Arm: He is a loathsome, offensive brute, yet I can't look away. [Cut To: Jerry and Nina again.] Jerry: Look, I'm really getting tired off all the fighting. Maybe we should just end this before we really start hating each other. Nina: Oh, well, you wouldn't want that because you always have to remain friends! Jerry: Well, I like to remain friends with people I was friends with! Nina: Hey - why don't you just go then! And - oh, give this to George. Tell him he owes me $500! [Cut To: Armstrongs] Mrs.Arm: He transcends time and space. Mr. Arm: He sickens me. Mrs.Arm: I love it. Mr. Arm: Me too. [Cut To: Jerry's apartment.] George: Five-hundred dollars?! What? Jerry: That's what she told me! George: I'm not paying $500 for this! It's a piece of junk! Jerry: That's what it costs! George: Why did you even take it? You broke up with her! Jerry: I wasn't thinking! I don't know. George: You weren't thinking. Jerry: Well, she framed it and everything. George: Well, I'm not buying it. No way. Forget it. No way I'm buying this! (beat) I mean, look at it! What is it? It's a bunch of squiggly lines! (beat) Are you telling me you couldn't paint this? Jerry: Do you want me to paint you something? I'd love to paint you some- thing! George: I'm not paying for this. If you were going out with her, it'd be a different story. Kramer: (entering, handing Jerry a piece of paper) This was in front of your door. George: Hey, Kramer. Kramer: Hi, Mike. Jerry: (looking at the paper) Wow, a letter from Nina! Kramer: (notices the painting) Whoa, man! That is the ugliest thing I've ever seen! Jerry: (reading note) Oh my god! George: What? Jerry: This is amazing, you can't believe this! George: What's it say? Jerry: Listen to this "I don't know what you expect to find out there, Jerry, you know what you want better than me. But there's one thing I do know. I know I can stand here watching you destroy everything I've ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with my fists, because you won't make even the slightest effort to offer happiness and still know that I love you. You mean so much to me that I'm will-ing to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity." George: WOW! Kramer: (emotionally) She's deep. Jerry: (reading on) "...'cause that's what you need to do to prove I'm not going to leave you. I'm sick and tired of running from places and people and relationships. You want me, that fight for me, becau-" Kramer: You know Jerry, she sounds like a poet! Jerry: No one's ever written me a letter like this. Maybe I was wrong about her! Kramer: (pushing Jerry towards the phone) Yeah! Get in there and give her a call. Pick up the phone and call her! Jerry: Should I? Kramer: (screaming) YES! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU SHOULD! (hysterically) Fight for her, Jerry, she's sure as hell fighting for you! Jerry: ALL RIGHT, all right! I'll call her. [Cut To: Jerry's apartment, another day. Jerry is helping Nina put on her coat. The TV is on a horse race.] Jerry: SHOT! (the sound of a shot on the TV is heard) I told ya! (the inter- com buzzes) Yeah? George: (on intercom) It's George. Jerry: Come on up. (to Nina) Well, now we gotta get a posse together. I love a good posse. Nina: What's the appeal of the posse? Jerry: The appeal of the posse? The posse has tremendous appeal. Get away from the job, camp out, you're with your friends... Come on, it's a week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback. Nina: Hello, George. George: Hey, Nina! (beat) I owe you some money, don't I? Nina: Well, I really love that piece. George: Oh, yeah, me too, me too. Boy oh boy oh boy...! You know, in fact, I've been thinking about it, and I feel like I'm stealing from you! Five-hundred dollars! It's gonna be worth thousands soon! You know what? On second thought, I can't even accept it. Nina: No, no no no, George! A deal's a deal. I want you to have it! George: This could be in a museum some day! It's not safe with me! It should really be in a doormanned building. Nina: Honestly, George, the money's not important. George: Who said anything about money? (intercom buzzes) Jerry: Yeah? Elaine: (on intercom) It's Elaine. Jerry: Come on up. Nina: Elaine? Jerry: ...Yeah. Nina: (rolling eyes) This person does not believe in telephones, does she? Jerry: She likes the pop-in. I've told her how I hate the pop-in. (pointing to George) He likes the pop-in, too. George: I just popped in now. I'm a big pop-in guy. Jerry: Yeah. George: How 'bout Kramer. Jerry: HUGE pop-in guy! Nina: Well, I was leaving anyway, so, uh, we're on for tomorrow? Jerry: Yeah. Nina: Okay. Jerry: Okay! Nina: Bye. (just as Nina is about to leave, Elaine walks in.) Elaine: (to Nina) Hello! Elaine: (sarcastic) Chatty gal. (beat) Lippman's coming back tomorrow, I'll be fired! Jerry: If he noticed, he would have called you from Houston! Elaine: No, he wants to torture me. [Cut To: later on that night. George, Elaine, and Jerry are watching TV.Jerry, with the remote, is furiously flipping through channels.] Elaine: (annoyed) Oh! Would you gimme the clicker? I hate it when you're the clicker! You go too fast! (Elain makes a grab for the clicker, instigating a tug-o-war between Elaine and Jerry over the clicker) Jerry: (tugging at the clicker) I'm a great clicker! (gets the clicker back) Great instincts. How dare you impune my clicking. Elaine: You're all over the dial! You don't know what you want! I've never seen you stay on anything for more than 5 seconds. Gimme that. Jerry: Let go! Elaine: No, come on! I want it, Jerry! Jerry: Let go, Elaine! Elaine: Well at least let George do it! Jerry: Oh, George can't click! (George joins in the fight) George: (as Jerry and Elaine continue to whine) Give it! Give it! (he finally gets the remote away from them) Pinheads. Jerry: Wait, wait a second! Go back, go back to that. (they watch it a little longer) Elaine: It's Chapter 2, it's Neil Simon. Jerry: (on to something) Wait a second... wait a second!! (he watches the TV for another minute) The letter, that's the letter! Elaine: What letter? Jerry: This is the letter she wrote to me, she stole it right from the movie! Jerry: "...'cause you don't even make the slightest effort to offer happiness still know that I love you!!" George: This is incredible! Jerry: I always thought there was something funny about this letter! She copied it right out of Chapter 2! She a thief, a bunko-artist! George: Maybe I won't send her that check. Elaine: You know, it's not really that terrible. Jerry: What are you talking about? She completely misrepresented herself! (mimicking the letter) I don't offer happiness. I offer happiness! James Caan doesn't offer happiness! [Cut To: Lippman's office. Lippman is on the phone when Elaine walks in and places something on his desk. After she does, she tries to leave but Lippman, still on the phone, motions for her to stay in the room] Lippman: (into phone)...yeah, yeah. But she wouldn't take the cap off? (beat) But didn't she know they were the owner's seats? (beat) Aw, that's unbelievable. (beat) Yeah. Okay. Alright Lenny, thanks again. Take care. (hangs up the phone, and then, to Elaine) That was Lenny West, my accountant, who is a hell of a guy. And he handles the Yankees too; it's his biggest account. So every once in a while they throw him a couple of seats and last weekend he gave them to his daughter. She's an artist, by the way. Anyway, her daughter gives 'em to some friends, you know. One of her friends shows up wearing a Baltimore cap! (beat) You're from Baltimore, right? Elaine: Um, oh, it's Townscend, which is NEAR Baltimore. Lippman: Yeah, but you're an Oriole fan, right? Elaine: Well, uh, fan. My father- Lippman: Anyway, she refused to take the cap off; caused a whole big scene! Elaine: Really? Lippman: Yeah. Elaine: So... impudent. Lippman: Yeah, so Lenny gave me the tickets for tomorrow night. I'm inviting Frank and Marsha. 'Wantcha to come. Elaine: (pause) Ah. I've-I've got plans, though, Mr. Li- Lippman: Well, break 'em. You missed the bris, I want you at the game. Elaine: (very reluctant) Okay. Lippman: Good. (Elaine stars to leave) Oh-and Elaine. You know the Baltimore cap you got in your office? Wear it. I'm gonna have a little fun with him. Elaine: That will be fun. [Cut To: Nina's studio. Nina is working on a painting. Jerry is watching her, sitting on the sofa.] Jerry: How's it coming? Nina: Good, good. Jerry: Seen any good movies lately? Nina: No... not really. You? Jerry: No. I like a good comedy. You know, like a Neil Simon? You like Neil Simon? Nina: Neil Simon? Uh, some of his stuff. Jerry: I've seen MOST of it. I guess my favorite would have to be, uh... Chapter 2. Have you ever seen that? Nina: I don't know... maybe. Jerry: I have. Funny, funny. In fact it was on TV just the other night. Happened to catch it. (a knock is heard at the door) I couldn't help notice a STUNNING similiarity- (Jerry is interrupted as Nina opens answer the door...) Mr. Arm: Well, we've made our decision. We want "The Kramer." [Cut To: Jerry's apartment, night. Jerry and George are watching a baseball game and talking.] George: Five-thousand? Why would anybody buy Kramer for $5000? (laughs) Jerry: Boy, the Yankees cannot buy a hit tonight! George: So is it all over between you and... Marsha Mason? Jerry: Yeah. (picks up Nina's painting George bought) And by the way, can you get this thing outta my house? George: Tell you what, I'll make a deal with you. I'll sell it to you right now for ten bucks. Tvvoice: Uh, there's seems to be a lot of trouble in the area just behind the Yankee dugout. George: Behind the dugout, that's where we were sitting the other day. Tvvoice: Well, we're not going to show it, we don't want to encourage that kind of behavior. Say, it's a young lady, and boy she's really going at it with the security guard. She's a fiesty one. And now they're getting the other security guard to come down. How do you like that Seegers? Boy, she's someting. (beat) And a ball to left field..." [Cut To: the Armstrong's dining room. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong are having Kramer over for dinner.] Kramer: ...then, when I was seventeen, I ran away from home and hopped a steamship to Sweden. (beat) This steak is excellent, by the way. Mrs.Arm: More potatoes? Kramer: Yeah, sure. Please. Mr. Arm: Yes, yes. Go on. You hopped a steamship to Sweden? Kramer: Yeah. (beat) And, it was a big one.

Kramer: Hey. I got some bad news for you, buddy. I think your car got stolen again. Jerry: What are you talking about? Kramer: Well you parked it on eighty-fourth and Columbus, right? Jerry: Yeah. Kramer: Yep, well I just walked by there and that car is gone. Jerry: Oh yeah, I know. Kramer: Well, where is it? Jerry: What's the difference? Kramer: Well, there's no difference, you know, I'm just curious. Jerry: You always have to know everything that's going on, don't you? Kramer: What happened to the car? Jerry: If I don't tell you it will kill you, won't it? Kramer: Yeah, yeah, it'll kill me. Jerry: You have to know, you must know. Kramer: I must know. Jerry: Well, I'm not telling you. Kramer: Oh, come on. Jerry: Nope. I don't think so. Kramer: Well, please? Jerry: Not today, pal. Kramer: Okay, I beg you. Jerry: Now see? Just saying beg doesn't make it a real beg. You gotta put some beg into it. Kramer: Okay, please! Please tell me! Jerry: Alright, I'll tell you, but your begging needs a lot of work. Kramer: Okay, okay, what is it? Come on. Jerry: I loaned the car to George. Kramer: Ah, George, alright. Well, what for? Jerry: George and Elaine went to a flea market in Westchester, okay?! Kramer: Alright. Jerry: Huh? Kramer: Huh. I mean, what do they want to go there for? Jerry: Will you stop it already?! Kramer: You know, why didn't they ask me to go? Jerry: I don't know! How am I supposed to know?! Kramer: What, they don't like me? Jerry: *I* don't like you! Kramer: If they like me, why don't they ask me to go? Oh yeah. George: I really think it looks good. Elaine: Ten bucks, how can you go wrong? George: All bald people look good in hats. Elaine: You should have lived in the twenties and thirties, you know men wore hats all the time then. George: What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew. Elaine: Well, you can wear a hat all the time now. Who's stopping you? George: No, I can't. What if I meet a woman? I'd always be worried about that first moment where I'd take it off and see that look of disappointment on her face. Elaine: Are you sure you like these sunglasses? Kramer: Well I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine. And you know I'm somebody you don't want to have on your bad side. Jerry: Why not? Kramer: Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems. (notices some snacks on the table) Oh, is this for the fight? Jerry: Yep. (checks watch) Starts in thirty-five minutes. Kramer: Oh hey, you know I invited Mike Moffit. You don't mind, do you? Jerry: No, I like Mike. Kramer: Yeah, I just got off the phone with him, you know we had a great conversation. Jerry: Oh yeah? What did you talk about? Kramer: Well actually we talked about you. Yeah. He had some pretty interesting things to say. Jerry: Oh yeah? What did he say? Kramer: You have to know everything, don't you? Jerry: No, come on, Kramer. What did he say? Kramer: Why is that? Why do you have to know everything? Jerry: Kramer, just tell me what the guy said. Kramer: Beg me. Jerry: Please, don't make me beg. Kramer: No no no, I want you to beg me. And I don't want you to say it, I just want you to put some beg into it. Go on. Jerry: Kramer, please tell me what the guy said. Kramer: No no no, that's no good. No, I really don't think that's a beg. No, it's close, but uh... Jerry: Kramer! Kramer: Look, I can't say anything. You know, the guy told me the stuff in confidence, I'd be betraying a friend. Jerry: Well you can't just mention it and then not tell me. Kramer: Alright. I'll tell you but you can't say anything to him. Jerry: I'm not saying anything, I'm putting it in the vault, I'm locking the vault, it's a vault! Kramer: He thinks you're a phony. Jerry: He what? Kramer: I told you, he thinks you're a phony. Jerry: A phony? He called me a phony? Kramer: A big phone. A big one. Jerry: Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything?! Kramer: You begged me. George: Do you hear that? Elaine: Of course I hear that. George: You had to move the mirror? Elaine: I wanted to check out my sunglasses. George: I went to look in the mirror, it wasn't there. You threw off my equilibrium. Elaine: Oh yeah, blame it on me because you can't drive, George. George: I can't drive? Elaine: Yeah. George: Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on. Wanna see me make a right turn from the left lane? Watch this. Elaine: No, I really don't. George: And I can make a left turn from the right lane too. Elaine: I'm sure you could. George: What are we gonna tell Jerry about the car? Elaine: I don't know. George: Alright, start looking for spaces. Elaine: Oh, you're never gonna find a space on Jerry's block, just put it in a garage. George: Look, I have my system. First I look for the dream spot right in front of the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles. Elaine: Oh come on, George, please put it in a garage. I don't want to spend an hour looking for a space. George: I can't park in a garage. Elaine: Why? George: I don't know, I just can't. Nobody in my family can pay for parking, it's a sickness. My father never paid for parking; my mother, my brother, nobody. We can't do it. Elaine: I'll pay for it. George: You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free? (he hears a horn honking) What? What do you want? Go around me, I'm looking for spaces. Elaine: (pointing backwards) Oh George, there's a space right there! George: (putting the car in reverse) Oh beautiful! Look at that, the dream space right in front of Jerry's building. Huh? Dreams can come true, what did I tell you? Elaine: You didn't even have to take it out to dinner. George: Alright, now you're gonna see some parallel parking. (spitting into his hands and rubbing them together) How I wish you could make a living parallel parking. (turning around in his seat) It's all geometry, knowing all the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing it back in, that's the key. Elaine: Will you just park it already? George: There's nothing I can even impart to you, that's the sad thing. It's so inborn, I can't pass it on. (begins backing into the space) Look at this guy. Are you crazy, what are you doing?! Hey! Hey, you're stealing my space! Elaine: George, wait, you don't know who this guy is, people kill for a parking space in this city. George: No no no, he's not getting away with this. Elaine: George? George: Hey, what are you doing? Mike: I think I'm parking my car. George: You can't do that, you can't just sneak in from the back like that. Mike: I'm not sneaking. I didn't even know you were parking, you were just sitting there three spaces up. George: Well if you didn't think I was parking, why did you put it in head first? Mike: Well that's the way I park. Anyway, you didn't start backing in until I pulled in. George: I was in the middle of a conversation. Mike: Hey, buddy, what can I tell you? George: The point is I was here first. Mike: I was closer to this space than you were. George: But I'm backing in! You can't put it in head first! Mike: I can if I have room! George: Are you gonna move the car? Mike: No, I'm not gonna move the car. George: Jerk! Mike: Oh, you're not? George: Do you believe this guy? Elaine: Come on, we'll put it in a garage. George: I am not putting it in a garage, it's my space. Elaine: What are you gonna do, you just gonna leave it here like this? Uh. I'm going upstairs. George: Are you coming back down? Elaine: Yeah, I gotta tell Jerry we're here. I gotta go to the bathroom. George: Alright, just make sure he reserves the good chair for me. Wait, what are you gonna tell him about the clanking noise in the car? Elaine: Me? No no no, you. You're gonna tell him. I'm not gonna tell- Noo. George: Oh, come on, you're good at this. Elaine: What am I gonna say? George: I don't know, I don't know, you'll think of something. Elaine: Oh god, I need a drink, do you got any Hennigan's here? Jerry: Yeah, under the counter. What happened? Elaine: Oh god. Oh, Jerry it was so terrible what we just went through on the way home. (pouring a big shot of scotch) You wouldn't believe it. (pushing a bag of chips off the counter) Jerry: (bending down to pick up the chips) Tell me what happened. Elaine: (after pouring the shot in the sink while Jerry was distracted and pretending to have downed it) Okay. Now listen. We were at the toll booth at the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?! And there were these, like, this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?! And for some reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us! And so then we payed the toll, and then we went through, and then they started to follow us, alright?! So George tries to lose them, and, and, but they were in this really like a souped up car, you know?! And so he turned off the road really suddenly and the car was on two wheels and I was just screaming! And then, George is such a great driver. Jerry: He is? Elaine: Oh, he is fantastic! And then they fired a gun right up in the air. Jerry: A gun?! Elaine: I think it was a gun. And then they followed us all the way into the city, and then they just stopped and they turned around and they went home. Jerry: My god, are you okay? Elaine: Yeah, yeah, I'm alright. Oh, by the way, the car hit a pothole and now it's making a clanking noise. Jerry: Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that, that's the important thing. Elaine: Exactly. Jerry: Where's George now? Elaine: Oh, he's out in front of the building. He's arguing with some guy about a parking space. Jerry: What are you talking about? Elaine: Look out the window, you'll see. Jerry: (leaning out the window) Hey Georgie! George: Hey! Jerry: Are you okay? George: Yeah, I'm fine. Jerry: Crazy kids, huh? George: What? Elaine: (desperate to distract Jerry) Ow!! (Jerry looks over) It's my cuticle. Mike: Is that Jerry? Jerry?! Jerry: Oh, hey Mike. George: What, you know Jerry? Mike: Yeah, I know Jerry. George: How do you know him? Mike: What's the difference? George: Because I know him too, and probably a lot better than you. Mike: Well, bully for you. Hey, Jerry! You know your friend here's a real piece of work! Jerry: I'm coming down. Mike: Hey, will you tell Kramer I'm outside? George: What, you know Kramer?! Elaine: Hi. Kramer: (acting standoffish) Hello. Jerry: Hey, your friend Mike's outside, he wants to talk to you. Kramer: (out the window) Hey, Mike! Come on up, the fight's almost starting! George: And you're watching the fight at Jerry's? Mike: Yeah. George: Oh great. Elaine: You know that guy downstairs? Jerry: Yeah, he's a real phony. Kramer: What's going on?! Mike: Hey, will you come on down? This guy's in my space! George: It's my space! Kramer: I'll be down in a minute. Elaine: Are you going down? Kramer: Yeah. Elaine: Is anything wrong? Kramer: (leaving) Why should anything be wrong? Elaine: (heading for the bathroom) Be down in a minute. Mike: Hey pal, you're not getting that space. I mean, I'll sleep in my car if I have to. George: I'll die out here. Bystander #1: He was down there. Once he passed his front bumper, it's no longer his space. Bystander #2: No, it doesn't matter. He was- Mike: Hey! Jerry! Long time no see! Jerry: Hi Mike. (Noticing George's fedora) Indiana. Mike: Hey Krame! You know this guy? Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I know him. Mike: (to Jerry) You're looking tremendous. What are you on some kind of regimen? Jerry: Yeah, twenty-five percent bran flakes. The forty percent was too much so I found a store to mix it up special for me, they take it down another fifteen percent. Mike: (laughing way too loud and hard) Ha ha ha ha!!! That's killer! Killer! I love that! Ha ha ha!!! You gotta use that, that's a definite!! Ha ha ha!!! George: Oh, come on. Mike: Hey! Your friend here has some real problems. George: Me? You see what he did here, you see how he tried to sneak into my space? Mike: Hey, just 'cause I went in front first doesn't mean I'm sneaking in. George: You only went in front first 'cause you saw me backing up and you didn't have room to parallel park! Mike: I only went in front first 'cause I could make it in front first and if you pull out I'll show you! George: You've got a prayer. Kramer: I go in front first all the time. Jerry: Front first, that's how you park when you're pulling a bank job. George: Did you talk to him? Elaine: Yeah, it's all taken care of. George: You told him? What did you tell him? Elaine: I did a number on him, it was a thing of beauty, you really had to have been there to appreciate it. George: I don't believe it, what did you say? Elaine: I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us and they followed us into the city. George: A pack of teenagers? Elaine: Yeah, by the time I got to the end of the story, he was to relieved that we were alive he couldn't care less about the car. George: You are a genius, it's as simple as that. Elaine: What can I say, you know? It's a gift. I only wish I could teach it but, you know it's inborn. Kramer: By the way, thanks a lot for inviting me to the flea market. Elaine: What? Kramer: Yeah, Jerry, he told me all about it. George: Oh great. Jerry: I didn't know. Elaine: Oh, so that's why you were acting so funny. George: Well I didn't know you wanted to go to the flea market. Mike: A flea market? You went to a flea market?? George: Hey, who's talking to you? Elaine: We just didn't think of you. Kramer: You said it, sister. George: What? Every time I leave my house now I have to call everybody I know and ask them if they want to do what I'm doing? George: Great move, telling him, by the way, real smart move. Jerry: I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything! George: Judgement, Jerry, judgement! You exercised no judgement. Jerry: You're right. My fault. Elaine: Kramer? I'm so sorry, really. George: Yeah, I'm sorry. Kramer: I'm sorry, I don't care for that sorry. George: What was wrong with that sorry? It was a good sorry. Jerry, was that a good sorry? Jerry: It was a so-so sorry. Truck Driver: Hey! Move this car, I gotta get through! George: You heard the man. I guess you gotta be moving your car. Mike: And like you're not gonna just back it in if I do that? Truck Driver: Well somebody better move something soon! I got a truck full of ice cream here! Elaine: You see, they had to move the cars so the truck could get through, right? But these guys don't trust each other so they got these two nonpartisan drivers to move them. Jerry: Wild pack of teenagers, huh? George: Yeah. Jerry: Amazing how they picked you, out of everyone, to terrorize. Elaine: Yeah. I know, I said to myself, 'Why us?' You remember? George: Uh huh. Jerry: Sounds like you did some pretty nifty maneuvering, George: Well, you know, It's interesting, you know, under that pressure, what you're capable of. Elaine: Right. George: I learned a lot about myself. Jerry: What did you do to my car?! George: I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror, I got discombobulated. Elaine: Oh, like you've ever been bobulated. Jerry: I thought you said you were a good driver! George: No no, I never said I was a good driver, I said I was a good parker. Jerry: I think you said driver. George: Parker, I never said driver, I said parker, a great parker. Mike: Will you move it up a little bit? George: No no no, that's in the right position. Mike: No no, I was further in. George: No you weren't. Stop there, that's fine. Mike: Do you mind? George: Do you? Sid: Hey, somebody better move these cars, you're making a commotion. Jerry: Hey Sid. Mike: Who are you? Sid: Never mind who I am. I know who I am. Do you know who you are? (to George) Why is it every time you park a car in this block, everything gets disrupted and disjointed? George: Sid, it's completely his fault. Mike: Oh, right. Sid: Why don't you start taking the bus? Jerry: Okay, George. Come on, let's go. I'm putting it in a garage. The fight's starting in two minutes. George: Don't do it! Jerry: What are we gonna do, stay out here all night? George: Yes! I'm not giving him the satisfaction, it's my space. Elaine: Why don't you just flip a coin already? George: No no, this is a matter of principle. That would just be saying that anybody could just pull into any parking space any way they want. Well I'm making a stand here. I'm saying *no* to head first parking. I'm not putting up with that. We put up with too much crap in this city, we're not putting up with head first parking. Elaine: You know, maybe if you hadn't been sitting there pontificating about what a great parker you were, you might have got the space. George: So you're against me now? Angry Man: He could have pulled up to the car and backed in, but he chose to go in head first. Matthew: No he couldn't, because the other car was already backing in. Angry Man: No he wasn't. Matthew: All that matters is who was there first. Angry Man: Ahh, you're not even old enough to drive, you little puke. Matthew: You just spit on me! Angry Man: Don't you raise your voice to me! Matthew: You're not my father. Jerry: Hey Matthew. Matthew: Hi Jerry. This guy's really a jerk. Jerry: How ya doing? Matthew: Okay. Jerry: Hey, how's your father? I hear he's closing his store. Matthew: What?! Jerry: Oh no, nothing. Matthew: What's happened to daddy? He's going out of business? Jerry: No, no, no, no. Matthew: We're not going to have any money? We're out of money? Jerry: No, of course not, of course not! Matthew: Mommy!? Jerry says daddy's closing the store. He's going out of business. We don't have any money? Maryedith: Jerry?! What's the matter with you? Jerry: I didn't- Maryedith: (to Kramer) Boy, I don't know about your friend, Jerry. He says some pretty stupid things sometimes. Kramer: Oh, congratulations. Maryedith: What for? Kramer: Well, you're pregnant. Maryedith: What? Kramer: You're not pregnant? Maryedith: No, I'm not pregnant. Kramer: Are you sure you're not pregnant? Maryedith: Yes, I'm sure! Kramer: That's weird. Maryedith: Come on, Matthew. Matthew: No. Maryedith: Come on, Matthew! Kramer: I thought she was pregnant. Jerry: (to Elaine) Hey, do you think I'm phony? Elaine: What? Jerry: Mike thinks I'm a phony. Elaine: He thinks you're a phony? Jerry: Yeah, but I can't say anything because Kramer wasn't supposed to tell me. Elaine: Oh, you have to say something. Jerry: I can't, I told Kramer I was vaulting it. Elaine: You gotta open the vault. Jerry: Open my vault? Elaine: Open your vault. Jerry: Once I open the vault, it ceases to be a vault. Elaine: You have no choice. Jerry: Oy ga-vault. Newman: (to Kramer) You wanna know why you can't go in front first? I'll tell you why. because it signals a breakdown in the social order. Chaos. It reduces us to jungle law. Kramer: When can you park head first? Newman: Never. Mike: What are you asking this guy for? Newman: Who's talking to you? George: He's right. never. Mike: Oh yeah? What if you got ten car lengths? You have to pull all the way up to the front car? Newman: Well, I suppose if you got ten car lengths. George: When do you ever have ten car lengths? Kramer: What about Sundays and holidays? George: Oh please. Sheila: What's going on here? George: Oh, this guy tried to sneak into my space. Sheila: I really hate people who do that. I hope you don't let him get away with it. George: Well, thank you for your support. Sheila: Hey, that's a great hat. George: Really? You like it? I got it at a flea market today. Newman: Hey George, nice hat. George: Yeah, thanks. Newman: Can I try it on? George: No! It, uh, it wouldn't fit you. Newman: Well sure it would. George: No! Get out of here, Newman. Newman: Come on, let me try it on. George: No, Newman, stop it. Sheila: Let him try it on. George: I don't want him to! Sheila: What is wrong with you? George: You wanna see?! (pulling off the hat to reveal the bald pate) There! There it is! (turning to Newman) Alright, here! You wanna try on the hat?! Here! Try on the hat! Newman: Stop it, George, stop it. I was defending your parking. George: Alright, just keep the hat! Jerry: Alright, that's it. The fight's already started. I'm going upstairs, who's coming? Elaine? Elaine: It depends on who's going. (to George) Are you going? Kramer: I'm not going if he's going. Newman: Me either. George: I'm not going if he's going. Mike: Well I'm going. Jerry: Well if he's going then I'm not going. Newman: But it's your house. Jerry: I still don't have to go. Elaine: Well I don't want to go if Jerry's not going. Mike: Why won't you go if I go? Jerry: Why? I'll tell you why. Kramer: No. Don't, Jerry. Jerry: Like you didn't call me a phony? Mike: What? (to Kramer) Thanks! Real good! Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary way. I mean, you know when people say, 'He's bad', it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang. Jerry: Use it in a sentence. Mike: Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. (to Kramer) Why'd you tell him?!? Kramer: He begged me. Mike: He begged you?! Jerry: Alright, come on. Who wants to watch the fight? Cop #1: Okay, who's cars are these? Let's move 'em. Let's go. George: Officer, could I just explain something to you? Cop #1: Hey. Let's go or I'm gonna write both of you a ticket in about two minutes. George: Officer, he can't pull in head first. Mike: Officer, he backed up from down the street. He was double-parked, he was Cop #1: Alright, you move your car. It's his space, you can't go in head Cop #2: Wait a second. Why can't he go in head first? He said the guy was just sitting over there. Cop #1: What are you talking about? This guy was here first. Cop #2: But he didn't take it. Cop #1: Hey, it's his space. Cop #2: No, it's his space. George: Well, you're gonna have to go to the bathroom! Mike: Well, you're gonna have to go to work! George: I don't have a job! Mike: Neither do I! Referee: Seven... Eight... Nine... Ten. *ding*

Jerry'S Stand-Up: So, I fly a lot. I like planes. I was on a plane the other day and I was wondering - are there keys to the plane? Do they need keys to start the plane? Maybe that's what those delays on the ground are sometimes. When you're just sitting there at the gate, maybe the pilot's just up there in the cockpit going (mimics looking for keys) "Oh, I don't believe this. Oh my god...I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical, because they don't want to come on the PA system..."Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a little while, I uh...Oh God, this is so embarrassing...I - I left the keys to the plane in my apartment." You see the technicians all running underneath the plane; you think they're servicing it, but they're actually looking for the magnet "hide-a-key" under the wing..."maybe he left it up there somewhere..." Opening Scene: Jerry's apartment in the middle of the night. Jerry comes out of his room. We hear his thoughts. Jerry'S Brain: What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It's not like I'm running a marathon, I'm just lying there. Jerry'S Brain: What the hell...? Why is the door open? Jerry: Kramer, what are you doing here!? Kramer: Jerry, now calm down, it's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't want to wake you up! Y'know, I was watching "Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo," and I - y'know, I wanted to get some popcorn, and I, uh...I used the spare keys that you gave me to come into your apartment to get your popper. Jerry: You scared me! Kramer: It's just me. Jerry: That's enough! Kramer: Forgot the popper... (goes to the kitchen, grabs the popper, drops the lid, juggles it around, then exits.) Jerry (From Outside The Door): C'mon...c'mon... Jerry: Kramer! What are you doing?! Kramer: What does it look like I'm doing? What? Jerry: Get out! Get out of the bathroom, I gotta go! Kramer: Alright, alright... Jerry: C'mon! Kramer: Sorry. Jerry: Move it! Move it! Get going! Kramer: My drain's all clogged up! (Comes out of the bathroom in a towel, covered in soap suds.) Jerry (From Inside The Bathroom): Is that my towel? Girlfriend: I'm really happy the movie was sold out. Jerry: Hey, did you ever pretend there's like, murderers chasing you, and you try and see how fast you can get your keys out and get into your apartment? Girlfriend: I'm from Witchita, so... Jerry: Oh. I see. There he is! (Pretends the murderers are coming.) Girlfriend: Hurry, Jerry! He's coming! Hurry! Jerry: The murderers! (Jerry unlocks his door and they both run inside.) Girlfriend: That was close! Jerry: Did you see the look on that guy's face? Girlfriend: You were so fast with those keys. (They prepare to kiss, but are interrupted by Kramer and his girlfriend coming out of Jerry's bedroom, laughing and horsing around.) Jerry: Kramer! What the hell are you doing here?! Kramer: Hey, Jerry! How are ya? I thought you were going to the movies. Jerry: All right, that's it. Hand 'em over. Kramer: What? Jerry: What, you know what, the keys. I want the keys. You've lost your key privileges. Kramer: Oh, come on! Jerry: No, come on! Kramer: What, what, I thought you went to the movies! Jerry: It was sold out! Kramer: Now how was I supposed to know it was going to be sold out? Jerry: That's the point. Kramer: What point? Jerry: Just, look, just give the keys. Kramer: Just give me another chance! Jerry: Don't ask me! Kramer: I'm asking you! Jerry: I'm telling you. Kramer: You're joking. Jerry: I'm serious! Kramer: It's not going to happen again! Jerry: Yes it will, now give me those keys! Kramer (Getting Up): O.K., fine, go ahead, you take the keys! But you're going to regret this. (He angrily storms out. Kramer then re-enters seconds later when he realizes he's left his girlfriend in Jerry's apartment.) Jerry: So put 'em in a safe place. Elaine: I will. Jerry: Where? Elaine: I don't know. I'll hide 'em. So, is Kramer upset? Jerry: I think so. I mean, he's acting really weird lately...he's different. Elaine: Well, maybe you should just give him the keys back. Jerry: I can't. Elaine (Mouths The Words): Is that Kramer? (Jerry nods.) Jerry: Who's there? Kramer (In Hallway): Uh, Kramer. (Jerry opens the door, Kramer enters. Elaine waves at Kramer with the keys in her hand.) Oh, hi...uh...you got the... Elaine: Oh, I'm not, uh... Kramer: No, no, no, it's o.k. I don't care about the keys. It's my fault. I gave the keys away with my stupidity. I broke "the covenant of the keys." Elaine: Jerry, give him the keys back. Jerry: Elaine... Kramer: I don't want the keys back! No, I'm glad the way things turned out. I was clingin' to those keys, man! Like a branch on the banks of a raging river. And now I have let go. And I'm free...to go with the current. To float. (To Jerry) And I thank you. Jerry: Take the keys. Kramer: I don't want the keys! (Jerry tries to force the keys on Kramer, but Kramer refuses.) Jerry: O.K.! Kramer: Now, one more thing - I would like my keys back. Jerry: Your spare set? Kramer: That's right. Jerry: You want 'em back? Kramer: Yeah. Yeah, I think it would be for the best. George: Gee, Kramer, I uh...I don't know what to say. Kramer: Say yes! Yes, George. Yes! George: Should I give you my keys, is that the transaction, trading keys...? Because Elaine has my keys. Kramer: Well, you can get 'em back. George: I suppose I could. Kramer: Because you see, George, having the keys to Jerry's apartment? That kept me in a fantasy world. Every time I went over to his house, it was like I was on vacation. Better food, better view, better TV. And cleaner? Oh - much cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored the squalor in my own life because I'm looking at life, you see, through Jerry's eyes. I was living in twilight, George. Living in the shadows. Living in the darkness...like you. George: Me? Kramer: Oh, yeah. I can barely see you, George. George: Alright, stop it Kramer, you're freakin' me out. (The waitress comes over.) Waitress: Hi, are you ready to order? (George tries to order, but Kramer interrupts.) Kramer (Moves Over And Sits Next To George): Do you ever yearn? George: Yearn? Do I yearn? Kramer: I yearn. George: You yearn. Kramer: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often, I...I sit...and yearn. Have you yearned? George: Well, not recently. I craved. I crave all the time, constant craving...but I haven't yearned. Kramer (In Disgust): Look at you. George: Aw, Kramer, don't start... Kramer (Moving Back To The Othe Side Of The Booth): You're wasting your life. George: I am not! What you call wasting, I call living! I'm living my life! Kramer: O.K., like what? No, tell me! Do you have a job? George: No. Kramer: You got money? George: No. Kramer: Do you have a woman? George: No. Kramer: Do you have any prospects? George: No. Kramer: You got anything on the horizon? George: Uh...no. Kramer: Do you have any action at all? George: No. Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning? George: I like to get the Daily News! Kramer: George, it's time for us to grow up - and be men. Not little boys. George: Why? Kramer: I'm goin' to California. You know, I got the bug. George: Yeah, I think I got a touch of something, too. Kramer: No, the acting bug. Ever since I was in that Woody Allen movie. George: "These pretzels are making me thirsty"? That was one line! You got fired! Kramer: I know, I know, but man! I never felt so alive! Now, are you coming with me? George: Uh, no, I'm not. Kramer: Alright, suit yourself. But let's keep this between us - we're key brothers now. (Gets up to leave.) George: You're not really gonna go to California, are you? Kramer (Points To His Head): Up here, I'm already gone. (Kramer exits.) George: Anyway, so he gave me his spare keys, now he wants to have my keys, so I need mine back from you. Elaine: Just 'cause you have his keys? Why does he need yours? George: I don't know. He said he wants to be my "key brother." Elaine: That's ridiculous. George (Shakes Huge Keyring): That's Kramer. Elaine: I'll give you back your spare keys - but now I want mine back. George: What for? Elaine: 'Cause. I'll give 'em to Jerry. George: Jerry? Why? Elaine: 'Cause he gave me his. George: So what? Elaine: So, if he has my keys, I should have his. George: Well, I don't see why if you have his, he should have yours. Elaine: I just said the same thing to you. George: What? Elaine: What? George: Alright, listen, I'll give you your spare keys, but I don't have them with me. Can I please have mine to give to back to Kramer? Elaine: Yeah, O.K. I'll go get 'em. (George begins to leaf through papers on Elaine's counter.) What are you doing? Would you just put that down? (Takes the papers away from George.) I gotta get some new friends. Jerry: Did you bring the keys? George: Yes, but I still don't feel right about letting you into Kramer's apartment without his permission. Jerry: This could be an emergency! George: You never should have taken away his keys! Jerry: I tried to give 'em back, he wouldn't take 'em. (Jerry and George go out into the hallway to Kramer's apartment.) George: How'd the Mets do? Jerry: They lost. Jerry: Kramer? Newman (Startling Them): Hello, boys. Jerry: Hello, Newman. Newman: You lookin' for someone? Jerry: Don't play coy with me, Newman, I'm not in the mood! Newman: Coy? I'm not being coy. Jerry (To George): Is he being coy? George: Yeah, coy. Jerry: You're being coy. Now where's Kramer, Newman? Newman (Coyly): Who? Jerry: Listen, Tiny. I wanna know where Kramer is and wanna know now! Newman: Alright, go ahead and hit me, Seinfeld. I got witnesses. Jerry: Turn around, George. George: Sure. (Turns around.) Newman: George? Jerry: Now, you better tell me where Kramer is, or are we gonna have to do this the hard way? (Hits wall with his fist.) Newman: Help! Help! Jerry: Where's Kramer? Newman: HELP! (Elaine enters.) Elaine: What's going on? Newman: They're gonna beat me up! George: No we're not. Jerry: We're trying to find out what happened to Kramer. Newman: You wanna know what happened to Kramer? I'll tell you what happened to Kramer. He was ticked off. About the keys. Yeah, that's right - about the keys. Thought he got a bad rap. Jerry: Bad rap? Newman: Yeah. From you. Jerry: Me? Newman: You heard me. So he packed it up and split for the coast. La-La Land. L.A. Jerry: L.A.? Jerry: I never should have taken his keys away. But he drove me to it! I had no choice! He wouldn't take 'em back. Elaine, you saw it, remember? I said, 'Take the keys back.' He wouldn't do anything. You saw it, didn't you see it? Elaine: Yeah, yeah, I saw it. (mutters under her breath) I mean, it's complete bullshit. Jerry: Huh? Elaine: What...? Jerry: No, what'd you say? Elaine: Nothing. I didn't say anything. Jerry: Oh, you didn't see it. Elaine: Yeah, I saw it. I saw it! I did, I saw it. Yep. Jerry: I heard you say something, there. Elaine: I didn't say anything. Jerry: I'm calling Kramer's mother. (Picks up the phone, dials.) (To Elaine) I don't know what you said. But it was something. I heard something. Hello? Hello, Mrs. Kramer? Mrs. Kramer? Could you turn the music down? Could you turn the music down! George: Ask her about Kramer. Jerry: She's drunk out of her mind. Jerry (Leaving A Message On Elaine'S Machine): Elaine? Are you there? It's me, I'm locked out of my apartment, I need my spare keys. Where are you? I'm at the coffee shop. Kramer (Shouting Over The Cycle'S Engine): Hey! You ever been in an accident? Biker: About five years ago. I was going down this very road. Same time of day, going about the same speed I'm going now...there was a rock in the road. Couldn't have been more than a pebble. Never really saw it! Lost control of the bike, went flyin' about a hundred feet - came down right on my head. Cracked it wide open! Blood and stuff was just splattered all over the road, there...I broke every bone in my face. Hey, you know, when they found me, my eyes were hanging out of their sockets? Yeah, they pronounced me dead at the scene. I was in a coma for...well, they told me about a year...said I'd be a vegetable for life. Yeah, but I showed 'em. Ever since then I always wear a helmet! (The biker goes into a turn.) Lean! (Kramer yells.) Jerry (Applauding): Georgie Boy! Way to come through with the keys! Sit down, I'm buying you dinner. George: Look, I gotta tell ya...I been thinkin' about it, I just don't feel right about letting you into Elaine's apartment. Jerry: Don't feel right? What are you talking about? George: Well, you know, I shouldn't have let you into Kramer's, now you want to go into Elaine's...she entrusted me with her spare keys, how can I just let you in? Jerry: What is the big deal? George: Just because you have someone's spare keys, it doesn't entitle you to break into their apartment. That's the reason you took away Kramer's keys. Jerry: First of all, you're not even supposed to have Elaine's keys. You're supposed to give 'em back to her, so she can give 'em back to me, because she has mine. So technically, those are my keys. George: Yes, well, if you had never taken your keys back from Kramer, he never would have taken his back from you and given 'em to me, in which case I wouldn't have had to take mine back from her. Jerry: Well, I want those keys. (Tries to grab the keys from George.) George: Nope, no can do. Jerry: George, give them to me, I want these keys. (They struggle over the keys.) I don't want to get physical! George: Do you wanna fight? Jerry: Do you wanna fight? George: I'll fight ya! Not the face! Not the face! (The struggle continues.) Kramer: And then, the evil ogre took back the magical keys from the handsome young prince. Hippie #1: Oh no. He didn't take back the keys, no way. Kramer: Yes! And then the handsome young prince was cast out into the cruel, cruel world. Hippie #1: Oh man, what a bummer. That ogre dude's pretty cold, huh? Kramer: Oh, he's cold. Hippie #1: Lemme tell you something, Kramer. If that ogre dude pulled that crap on me (pulls out a knife) - I'D STAB HIM! I'D CUT HIM IN HALF! I'D GUT HIM LIKE A FISH, MAN! That's what I'd do! Kramer: Yeah, yeah...that'd be funny. (To driver) Hey, you can drop me here! Hippie #1: Hey, what's the rush, man? Kramer: Well, you know, I gotta be goin' now. Hippie #1: Hey, Kramer - have you ever killed a man? Kramer: What do you think, junior? You think these hands have been soakin' in Ivory liquid? (mimics choking somebody) Hippie #2: Don't leave, Kramer, stay with us. You know so much about the world, we need you, please Kramer! (they all start chanting) Please, Kramer! Please, Kramer! (Scene ends with Kramer trying to escape their clutches.) Jerry: Don't you see? You're just avoiding the middle man. You were gonna give her her spare keys, so she was gonna give 'em to me. So, all that's happening is that instead of giving them to her, you're giving them to me. It's just unfortunate that when she gave you yours, you didn't give her hers. 'Cause then she would have given 'em to me, because she has mine. So then I would have never had to ask you for hers, so that I could get mine. George: You're right, how did I miss that? (Begins unlocking the door, mutters under his breath) Maybe because it's a crock of shit. Jerry: What's that? George: Nothing. Jerry: I heard something. George: Didn't say anything. (They go into Elaine's apartment.) Kramer: So, how long you been drivin' this thing? Woman: Goin' on four years. Kramer: Well, nothin's sexier than a woman behind the wheel of a semi. Woman: Nothin'? (They exchange a glance, then laugh.) Listen to you, you're quite the sweet-talker. Kramer: You know, I always wanted to drive the big rigs. I used to watch those commercials during the reruns of Gomer Pyle. Woman: You want to give it a try? Kramer: Really? Woman: Do you know how to double-clutch? Kramer: Yeah. Woman: Well, come on! (They trade places and Kramer gets behind the wheel. Kramer turns out to be really rusty on the ol' double-clutch.) George: They were in here, I saw her put 'em in here! Jerry: Well, this is great. George: Well, what do they look like? Jerry: They look like keys, George. They look exactly like keys. (In disgust) "What do they look like." George: Well, they're obviously not here. Jerry: Well, they've gotta be here somewhere. George: Jerry, unless I pull down on this statuette and a hidden wall opens up, we have checked every square inch of this apartment! Jerry (Looking Through Some Papers On The Desk): What is this? "Murphy Brown"? George: What? Jerry: By Elaine Benes? George: What? Jerry: Elaine's writing a "Murphy Brown"? George: Lemme see this. (Tries to grab the papers.) Jerry: Wait a second! (They fight over the paper.) George: Gimme half! Jerry: All right, here! George: Why didn't she tell us? Jerry (Making Fun): Elaine is writing a sitcom...! (Elaine enters the room behind Jerry and George. Jerry spots her and tosses his half of the script at George. George throws it back and paper goes flying everywhere.) Elaine: You weasels! Jerry: What? What? Elaine: How dare you! George: We hardly read anything! Jerry: It was funny! Elaine: Who gave you permission to come into my house and just go through all my things? You thought it was funny? Jerry: Well... (picks up some of the pages) From what I saw... Elaine (Grabs The Papers From Jerry): Well, it's just a first draft! Jerry: I was locked out of my apartment, I'm just trying to get my keys. Elaine (Turning On George): Why did you let him in?! (Shoves George.) George: He forced me to! Jerry: I did not! George: Yes you did! Elaine: You! Get out! Get out! Get out! Jerry: Elaine, wait! I need my spare keys! Elaine: Here! Here's your damn keys, you keep 'em! I don't want 'em anymore! Jerry: Good! Elaine (To George): And I want my keys back from you! George: What, you don't want me to hold your keys? Elaine: No, you can't be trusted! George: Alright, alright, fine. (Gives the keys to Elaine.) Jerry (To Elaine): And I don't want you to hold mine! Elaine: Good! I won't! Jerry: Good! Don't! Are these my keys? Elaine: These aren't my keys! George: Whose are these? Elaine: I don't know! Elaine: I just thought I could write it. Jerry: Is that something you want to do? Elaine: I don't know. Those writers make a lot of money. Jerry: Elaine, let me tell you something about show business. It's hard work! You don't just write a "Murphy Brown." You gotta watch the show, study it, get a sense of the characters, how they relate to each other. Elaine: O.K., can I just watch the show? (mutters under her breath) God, what an asshole. Jerry: What did you say? Elaine: I didn't say anything. Jerry: I heard something. (Looks at the TV) Elaine, Elaine! It's Kramer! Kramer's on "Murphy Brown"! Elaine (Laughing): Kramer's on "Murphy Brown"! Jerry: Look, there he is, he's sittin' at the desk! Candice Bergen: Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, you must be my new secretary. Kramer: Oh, good morning, Miss Brown. Candice Bergen: And you are...? Kramer: Oh, I'm uh, Steven Snell. Candice Bergen: Snell. Well, hello, Mr. Snell. Kramer: Steven. Candice Bergen: Steven. Are you familiar with this computer system? Kramer: Oh - I'm familiar with it. Candice Bergen: Steven Snell? I know people...and I have a very good feeling about you. (exits.)

George: Kramer was on Murphy Brown? Jerry: Yeah. George: Are you sure? Jerry: Yeah. George: Murphy Brown, the TV show. Jerry: C'mon, will ya? George: Kramer was on Murphy Brown? That son of a gun! Jerry: Something, isn't it? George: With Candace Bergen! Jerry: I know! George: I've always liked her. Remember her in 'Carnal Knowledge'? Jerry: Sure. George: Did she show her breasts in that? Jerry: She's not really the naked type. George: I can't believe I missed Kramer. You know he asked me to go with him to California. Jerry: He did? George: Yeah, I turned him down. Jerry: How come you didn't tell me? George: He asked me to keep it a secret. Jerry: But you can never keep a secret. George: I know. This was like a record. My previous record was when Joni Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody that we slept together. Kept a lid on that for about 28 seconds. Jerry: Well, you've come a long way. George: I've matured. Jerry: Hey listen, the Tonight Show called me, they want me to come out and do the show on the 28th and they're giving me two free tickets to LA. You wanna go? George: A free ticket? Jerry: Yeah, in fact we could track down Kramer. I always felt bad about the way he left, you know? That was a mess. I never should have taken back those keys. George: What about accommodations? Jerry: All taken care of. George: Is there a meal allowance? What about seat assignments? Could I have the Kosher meal? I hear the Kosher meal is good. And I need clothes. Gotta get a haircut. Gonna have to, I have to refill my allergy medication. Oh, do I need a hat? I need a hat, don't I? Could we do the Universal tour? They have that Backdraft exhibit now, that looks very cool to me... Kramer: So my acting technique, my personal acting technique is working with color, imagining color, then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you'll see that all my lines have a special color, so I don't memorize language, I memorize color. This way I can go through red, yellow, green, blue. And I have a full palette of emotions. Studio Guard: Hey, didn't I tell you to get out of here? Kramer: Uh, did you? Studio Guard: C'mon, let's go. Kramer: Well, I was just- Studio Guard: Yeah yeah, you were just nothing. C'mon, let's go. Kramer: Alright, we'll talk about this a little later. Are you an actor? Voice: Murphy Brown. Kramer: Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please. Voice: Who's calling please? Kramer: Ah, well, just tell her that it's Kramer. Kramer: Alright I'll uh, I'll call her at home. (To man waiting behind him) Go ahead, it's all yours. Helena: Hello Kramer. Kramer: Oh, uh, Helena, how are you? Helena: I haven't worked since 1934, how do you think I am? Kramer: Well, that's only uh, 58 years. Helena: It was a Three Stooges short, "Sappy Pappy." I played Mr. Sugarman's secretary, remember? Kramer: Yeah, right, right, yeah, yeah, that was a Shemp, right? Helena: No, a Curly. The boys played three sailors who find a baby, the baby's been kidnapped and the police think that they did it. Kramer: Uh huh, right. Helena: But, but of course they didn't do it, the police had made an awful mistake. Kramer: Right. Helena: Moe hits Curly with an axe, Kramer: Uh huh. Helena: The Stooges catch the kidnappers, Kramer: Right. Helena: But it's too late. Kramer: Really. Helena: The baby's dead. Kramer: Really? Helena: The boys are sent to Death Row and are executed. Kramer: Well I don't remember that part. Helena: I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary. Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah, you were, you were very good. Helena: Yeah, it was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all. Kramer: Well, that was an unusual choice for the stooges. Helena: Would you like to buy me a fat-free frozen yogurt at the store, Kramer? Kramer: Uh, well, uh, you know I can't right now, you know, uh, I got a very big meeting, I got these people interested in my movie treatment. So, uh, I guess we'll have to make it another time, alright? Helena: Well No! No, don't go out there, Kramer, they'll hurt you, they'll destroy you. You'll never make it in this town, you're too sensitive like me, Kramer: Helena, you're wrong, you know I'm not that sensitive at all. Helena: I was engaged to Mickey Rooney! He left me at the altar. Kramer! Kramer! Jerry: What is this? George: What? Jerry: We're going on a two day trip, what are you, Diana Ross? George: I happen to dress based on mood. Jerry: Oh. But you essentially wear the same thing all the time. George: Seemingly. Seemingly. But within that basic framework there are many subtle variations, only discernable to an acute observer, that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza. Jerry: (referring to George's outfit) And what mood is this. George: This is Morning Mist. Lt. Coleman: What do you figure, 20? 21? Lt. Martel: Close enough. Lt. Coleman: Forensics ought to be able to nail it down. Lt. Martel: No ID? Lt. Coleman: No ID. Lt. Martel: No witnesses? Lt. Coleman: Just the trees, Johnny. Pretty young thing. Lt. Martel: She was. Not any more. Somebody saw to that. Lt. Coleman: Sure did, Johnny. Damn shame too. What do you make of it? Lt. Martel: I don't know, but I don't like it. Jerry: Look at this guy, he's like a cat burglar. He thinks if he goes through real slow the machine won't detect him. George: Personally I'm a little nervous about going through these things. I'm afraid I'm gonna step through into another dimension. Jerry: Just go. George: Heh he, I made it. Security Guard: Empty your pockets please. Security Guard: Walk through again please. Security Guard: Are you sure you don't have any metal on you? Bracelets? Rings? Anklets? Jerry: Anklets? Security Guard: A lot of men wear anklets. Jerry: Really? Security Guard: Yeah. Other Security Guard (To George): What do you have in your bag, sir? George: My bag? Security Guard: Step over here please. Jerry: Over here? Other Security Guard: Do you have a knife in the bag? George: A knife? Other Security Guard: Open the bag, please. Other Security Guard: What's this? George: Moisturizer? Other Security Guard: For your wife? George: No, I uh... I use it. Security Guard: Spread your arms and legs please. Jerry: (facing the lengthening line behind him) Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you. Other Security Guard: Have a good trip. Security Guard: Alright, go ahead. Jerry: That's it? Security Guard: That's it. Jerry: Alright. George: C'mon Jerry, let's go. What was that all about? Jerry: I must have iron rich blood. George: Here we go, LA. Jerry: The Coast, George: La-la Land. I got the window seat, right? Jerry: Who said that? George: I called it. Jerry: Oh no. George: What do you mean, oh no. Kramer: Oh ah, yeah, I'm here for the audition. Receptionist: Which audition, the music video, the horror movie, the exercise tape or the infomercial? Kramer: Uh, let's see... well. Kramer: You scream good. Chelsea: You too. Chelsea: So, can I keep this treatment? Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah, I got 20 copies. Chelsea: 'Cause I can, uh, show it to my manager. He has connections with West German television money. Kramer: Really. Chelsea: Yeah, they're trying to put together a miniseries for me on Eva Braun. I mean think about it, is that a great idea? We know nothing about Eva Braun, only that she was Hitler's girlfriend. Kramer: Um-hm. Chelsea: What was it like having sex with Adolf Hitler? What do you wear in a bunker? What did her parents think of Hitler as a potential son-in-law? I mean it could just go on and on... Kramer: Wait wait, hold it, hold it. Look who's over there. Don't look, don't look! It's Fred Savage. Chelsea: Big deal. Kramer: He'd be perfect for my movie. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. (takes a deep breath) I gotta go over there, I gotta give him a copy of my treatment. Chelsea: Why are you breathing so hard? Kramer: Well, I'm just a little nervous. OK, I gotta relax. Phew. Wish me luck, huh? Kramer: Hey. Oh, did I frighten you? I'm not crazy. I mean, I may look weird, but I'm just like you, I'm just a regular guy just trying to make it in this business. You know I really like your work, the, uh... Fred Savage: Thank you. Kramer: Yeah, I can't remember the name of it. Fred: Thanks. Kramer: Yeah, my mind's a blank, I'm sorta nervous, you know, uh... Fred: That's ok. Relax, relax. Kramer: Ok, but I got this... Kramer: Stupid table. You know, I'm not normally like this, usually I'm very cool and charming, I don't mean to bother you or anything but I think it's fate that you happened to be here at the same time as me. Fred (A Little Frightened And Backing Away Towards The Door): Yeah, its fate, you know, can't avoid your fate. Kramer: I got this treatment I think you'll be great in. Fred: Yeah. Kramer: So I'd like to give it to you. Fred: Yeah, thank you, thanks a lot. Bye! Kramer: (bumping into a lamp) Alright, excuse me. Uh wait, wait. Jerry: Yeah, Kramer. K-R-A-M-E-R. Uh, I don't know, wavy? George, how would you describe Kramer's hair? George: Curly. Jerry: Wavy. George: What'd you ask me for? Jerry: Yeah, I'll hold on. Hey George, did you see a piece of paper I had on the nightstand here, like crumpled up, like a napkin? George: Nope. Jerry: 'Cause I had like three jokes on it, they were all perfectly worded just the way I wanted to have it. Can't find it. Hello? George (From The Bathroom): Hey, a shoe buffing machine! Jerry: I don't know, 6-3, George, how tall is Kramer? George: You got your own shampoo, conditioner, body lotion! Jerry, body Jerry: About 6-3. George: Ooh, a shower cap! Jerry: Coming. Lupe: Hello. I have more towels. George: Oh good, good, come in. Come in, welcome. I'm George. And this is Jerry, over there, on the phone, that's Jerry. And you are, um? Lupe: Lupe. George: Lupe. That's very nice, very nice. Listen, are you going to be making up the bed in the morning? Lupe: Oh Yes. George: Fine. Excellent. Could you do me a favor? Could you not tuck the blankets in? 'Cause I can't sleep all tucked in. Lupe: Oh, yes, yes. George: Yes, I like to just be able to take the blankets and swish them and swirl them, you know what I mean? You know, I don't like being all tucked in. I like to have a lot of room, you know I like to have my toes pointed up in the air. Just like to scrunch up the blankets. Lupe: Yes, yes. It's too tight to sleep. George: Exactly, you know what I'm talking about, right? Lupe: Oh yees, It's too tight. (Gesturing towards Jerry) Him too? George: Uh, Jerry, you want your blankets tucked in? Jerry: Excuse me, what? George: You want your blankets tucked in? Jerry: What blankets? George: When Lupe makes up the beds in the morning. Jerry: I don't know, whatever they do. Lupe: I tuck in? Yes? Jerry: Tuck in, tuck in. George: Alright, so that's one tuck and one no-tuck. Lupe: Okay. George: Yeah. One second sweetheart. Jerry, I really think it'd be easier if you didn't tuck. Jerry: Excuse me, fine, you don't want me to tuck, put me down for a no-tuck. George (To Lupe): Two no-tucks. Jerry: Uh, hang on a second, You know what? Changed my mind, make it a tuck. George: You just said you weren't tucking. Jerry: I'm tucking! Hello? Hello? They hung up on me. They don't know where Kramer is anyway. George: Alrighty, so. That's one tuck and one no-tuck. Got that? Jerry: Excuse me, um, did you see a piece of paper on the nightstand here earlier today crumpled up like a napkin? Lupe: Oh, yes, yes. I throw away when we clean the room. Jerry: Oh, okay, thanks. Lupe: Thank you. George: Thank you. Lupe: Bye-bye. George: Alright, Lupe, bye-bye now. Lupe: Bye. George: Bye-bye. Jerry: I can't believe she threw that out. I had like the perfect wording of a whole joke I was gonna do about the X-ray counter at the airport, I was gonna do it on the Tonight Show, now I can't remember it. George: Well what did you want her to do, you left it on the night table. Jerry: They're not supposed to just take everything and throw it out! George: Hey, hey, hey! It's not Lupe's fault, you shouldn't have left it out. Jerry: Alright, just get your thing together and let's get out of here. George: Alright, now. What mood am I in, what mood am I in? George: You shouldn't have tucked. Jerry: I like it tucked. George: Nobody tucks anymore. Officer: Hey, Lieutenant. Lt. Martel: Yeah. Officer: This was found on her person. Lt. Martel: On her person? What kind of expression is that? Officer: I don't know, sir. Police lingo. Lt. Martel: Oh yeah? What's your name, son. Officer: Ross. Lt. Martel: Ross. Do you see that person there, Ross? Officer: Yes sir. Lt. Martel: She's dead. Have you got that? Officer: Yes sir. Lt. Martel: Good. Now get out of here before you find yourself on transit patrol writing tickets to senior citizens with fake bus passes. Officer: Yes sir. Lt. Martel: I think we just caught a break. George: This is very exciting! You're on the Tonight Show, NBC, who else is on the show? Jerry: I don't know. George: Might meet a celebrity. Jerry: I can't believe she threw out my napkin. George: What are you worried about, you know it. Jerry: You gonna be alright here? George: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, go. Go about your business, I'll just wander around. Jerry: Alright, don't wander too far, I'll meet you back here in fifteen minutes. George: Go, go, go, don't worry about it. George: Hey. (pointing at him) Corbin Bernsen. Corbin Bernsen: How ya doing? George: Big fan! Big fan. Corbin Bernsen: Yeah. George: Hey, you grew a beard, huh? Corbin Bernsen: Yeah, yeah. I'm doing a movie during my hiatus. George: Hey. You know, do I have a case for you guys to do on L.A. Law. Corbin Bernsen: Really. George: ...so mind you, at this point I'm only going out with her two or three weeks. So she goes out of town and she asks me to feed her cat. So at this time, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and, uh, it slips my mind for a few days. Maybe a week. Not a week, five, six days. Corbin Bernsen: Yeah yeah yeah. So what happened? George: Well, it's the damnedest thing. The cat dies. So she comes back into town, she finds the cat lying on the carpet stiff as a board. Corbin Bernsen: So you killed the cat. George: That's what she says. I say, listen. It was an old cat. It died of natural causes. So get this, now she tells me that I gotta buy her a brand new cat. I say listen, honey. First of all, it was a pretty old cat. I'm not gonna buy you a brand new cat to replace an old dying cat. And second of all, I go out to the garbage, I find you a new cat in fifteen seconds. I say, you show me an autopsy report that says this cat died of starvation, I spring for a new cat. So she says something to me, like, uh, I dunno, get the hell out of here, and she breaks up with me. Now don't you think that would be a great case on L.A. Law? George: I don't wanna tell you how to run your show. George Wendt: Oh, of course not. George: But really, it's enough with the bar already. George Wendt: Yeah, well. George: Seriously, have they though about changing the setting? George Wendt: Doubt it, I doubt it. Yeah. George: Really? Because people do meet in places besides a bar, huh? George Wendt: Well yeah, they do, heh heh. George: What about a rec room? Huh? Or a community center. George Wendt (Checking His Watch, Obviously Uncomfortable): Yeah, you oughta write one of those. George: Yeah? George Wendt: Yeah, I'll bring it up with the producers, I gotta... uh... George: Fabulous, I'll think about that George, thank you! Jerry: How's it going? George: Great! Great! I actually just had two meaningful intelligent conversations with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt. Jerry: Really? George: Yeah, yeah, not fan talk, not gushing, you know? Actual conversation, I was incredibly articulate! Jerry: You got toilet paper on your heel there. Announcer: It's the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Tonight Jay welcomes Corbin Bernsen, George Wendt and comedian Jerry Seinfeld. Corbin Bernsen: Oh yeah, yeah, people are always coming up to me trying to give me a great case for L.A. Law, just a few seconds ago, right here, right outside in the hallway this nut, some sick nut comes up to me and says he's supposed to watch this girl's cat while she's away out of town. Anyway he forgets to feed the cat, the cat dies, starves to death, he kills the cat, refuses to get her a new one, won't give her any money, won't pay her, and he wants Arnie Becker to represent him. Nice guy. Yeah, that'd make a *great* case for L.A. Law. Thanks a lot. Helena: He's a very handsome man. Passionate, intense, but troubled, strange. I think he may be in love with me. Of course there's nothing abnormal about that, I have many suitors. George Wendt: It's funny, 'cause even after all these years, we still get people giving us advice, how to improve the show. Actually, a few moments ago I ran into a nut back there, he said, you know, that maybe we should think about, you know, not doing the show in a bar. The Freak: So that's when I said, "Hey, Kramer, dude. You ever killed a man before?" And he said, "What do you think, Junior? These hands have been soaking in Ivory liquid? George Wendt: The guy you talked to, what did he look like? Corbin Bernsen: Short little bald guy with glasses. George Wendt: Yeah, yeah, that's the same guy I talked to. Corbin Bernsen: It never ends, does it? Jerry: So I'm going through the airport and I have to put my bag on that little uh, uh, the uh, that uh, the conveyor belt. Lt. Martel: Issue an arrest warrant, put out an APB. Let's pick up this, uh, Kramer. Jerry: I was terrible. George: What are you, crazy? You were fine. Jerry: Nah, did you hear the end? I couldn't remember what I was trying to say, that whole thing about the, uh... George: Conveyor belt. Jerry: Yeah. Because she threw out my napkin. George: I can't believe, you're blaming Lupe? Jerry: Yes, Lupe. I'm blaming Lupe. Tv Newscaster: Our top story tonight, there has been a break in the so called 'Smog Stranglings'. Police have just released a photo of the suspect being sought in connection with the slayings. He is known only as "Kramer".

George: He's on the lamb(?), he's on the loose! Jerry: Would you let go of my arm?! I'm trying to drive, you're getting us both killed! George: What are we supposed to do? What do you do on a situation like this? Should we call a lawyer, should we call the police? Jerry: Obviously we're gonna call the police and tell that he's not the guy. George: Hope he's not the guy. Jerry: Couldn't be the guy...nah. George: God, I'm starved, I'm weak from hunger. Jerry: How can you think of food at the time like this? George: Time like what? I'm hungry. My stomach doesn't know that Kramer's wanted. Jerry: I told you to have breakfast, you should've had breakfast! George: I couldn't have breakfast, it was lunchtime! The three hour time difference threw me. I wanted a tuna fish sandwich, they wouldn't serve me tuna fish sandwich, because they were only serving breakfast. Jerry: You should've had some eggs. George: For lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch? Jerry: Have you ever heard of egg salad? George: Why didn't you say something then? Jerry: I've gotta to tell you about existence of egg salad? George: I need food, Jerry. I feel faint, I'm getting light headed. Jerry: I've gotta call the police, there's a pay phone over there. George: Pay phone in L.A., look it's a miracle. Jerry: I don't have any change. You've got any change? George: No, I don't have any change. I never carry change. Jerry: Well, we need change and all I have is twenties. George: I have a ten. Jerry: So, break it. George: I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney. Jerry: So, buy something. George: What? Jerry: I don't know, some mints or TicTacs. George: Breath problem? Jerry: No, I just want some change. George: Tell me. Jerry: Your breath is fine. It's delightful, it's delicious. George: You know, I haven't eaten anything. Jerry: I just wanna call the police! George: Why don't you just call 911? Jerry: But is this an emergency? George: Of course it is. Jerry: How is this an emergency? George: Your friend is been accused of being a serial killer. I think that qualifies. Jerry: All right, I'll call 911. Think he did it? Could've he done it? Couldn't done it? How could've he done it? Couldn't be? Could it? Hello 911? How are you? I'm sorry it was just a reflex...I know it's an emergency number...it is an emergency...my friend is being accused of being a smog strangler and I know he didn't do it...they're putting me trough to the detective in charge of the investigation...what is my name? Who am I? I'm eh...George Costanza... George: What's the matter with you? Are you crazy? Why are you using my name?! Jerry: Oh, don't be a baby! What are you scared of? George: What am I scared of? I'm scared of the same thing that you are, everything! Why don't you just use your own name? Jerry: Your name is a good name, Costanza. Sounds like it's stands for something, they'll believe us. George: Really? Jerry: Sure. George: You think so? Jerry: Oh yeah. Yes I have some very important information regarding the smog strangler. (George leans close) would you suck a mint or something. Can I come right now? I suppose, where are you located? Where is that? I don't know where we are. Where are we? George: I don't know. Jerry: We don't know. He says ask somebody, ask that guy. George: Excuse me, where are we? Man: Earth. Jerry: Hey, you know I'm on the phone with the police! Some guy just gave me a wise answer. Ask that woman. George: Excuse me Ms. which street are we on? Woman: I don't know. George: You don't know? Woman: I don't know. George: How come you don't know what street are you on? Woman: You don't know. Jerry: George, it says it here on the phone. It's 12145 Ventura Boulevard. Aha, ok...do we know where the 101 is? (George shakes his head) No...do we know where 170 is? (George shakes his head) No...do we know where 134 is? (George just looks at Jerry) No. Aha, ok. (Jerry hangs up) He's gonna send a black and white to pick us up. George: Black and white? Jerry: A cop car. George: Why didn't you just say that? Jerry: I thought it sounded kind of cool. George: Oh yeah, real cool. You're a cool guy. Jerry: Oh, you are? I guaranty you, Lupe is going to tuck your covers in. George: I'll bet you, how much? Jerry: Her tip. George: You've got a bet. Jerry: Ok. George: How much do you tip a chamber maid? Police: Which one of you is Costanza? Police: Get in. George: Hi, how are you guys? Listen, does either one of you have like a mint or piece of gum or... George: Jerry, would you do me a favor, close the window. Jerry: Hey, get out of here...hey officer, he's fooling around back here. Cop: Cut it up back there. George: He started it. Jerry: I did not. You guys gonna go through some red lights? Cop: I don't think so. Jerry: But you could? Cop: Oh yeah, of course we could. We can do anything we want. Cop 2: We could drive on the wrong side of the road. Cop: Yeah, we do that all the time. You should see the looks on people's faces. Cop 2: Shoot people... George: You guys ever shot anybody? Cops: No... George: Hey, can I flip on the siren? Jerry: Why are you bothering them for? George: I'm just asking, all they have to do is say no. Cop: Yeah, go ahead. George: Wohoo, check it out. Jerry: Can I try it? Cop: Yeah, go ahead, hurry up. Jerry: Scared the hell out of that guy. George: You know what I never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid it was always "waaaa, waaaa", you know now it "woo-woo-woo-woo-woo". Why did they do that, did they do some research? Did they find that woo-woo was more effective than waa? Jerry: Yeah, what about those English sirens, you know...eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa... Jerry And George: Eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa... Cop: Hey! Kramer: I'm dizzy. Jerry: Nice shotgun. Cop: Thanks. Jerry: Clean as a whistle. George: You could eat of that shotgun. Jerry: What is that, a 12 gauge? Cop: Yeah. Jerry: 12 gauge. Seems to be the most popular gauge. George: My favorite. Jerry: Mine too, love the 12 gauge. George: Makes the 11 gauge look like a cap pistol. Cop: What do got over there? Cop 2: I don't know. Cop: Looks like a possible 5-19. Jerry: 5-19? What's a 5-19? George: Where? Cop 2: Think so? Cop: Looks like it. Jerry: I can't believe this. A 5-19? George: Where, where? I can't see. Cop: This is car 23, we have a possible 5-19 in progress, over. Cop 2: All right, let's pull over and check it out. Jerry: Pull over? You can't pull over. George: What are you doing? Where do you think you're going? Jerry: Pull over? The lieutenant is waiting to see us. George: Hey hey hey, we're in a rush here. Jerry: We have an appointment! George: What are you doing?! Jerry: Great. George: There's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies up there. Jerry: Which flavor? George: Milano. Jerry: Cops eating Milanos. What crazy town is this? George: Should I take some? Jerry: I think that's a 5-19. George: I'm starving... Jerry: They're busting this guy. George: They're cuffing him. Jerry: I can't believe this. George: Hi. Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry. George: George, how you doing? Guy: What did you do? George: Nothing. Jerry: Nothing. Guy: Oh yeah right, me neither. Hey I didn't do nothing! Cop: Shut up. Jerry: Hot out. Guy: Brutal. George: What do you tip a chamber maid. Guy: I don't know, five bucks a night. Jerry: No, a dollar, two tops. Guy: Hey, you guys aren't cuffed. What are you, narks? George: Narks? Jerry: Imagine, us narks? George: No no no, you know actually we are friends of a serial killer. Guy: Really? Well, that's very nice. George: Oh, thank you. Jerry: Suspected serial killer, he didn't actually do it. George: Yeah well, we don't think. Jerry: We're pretty sure. Guy: A dollar a night? Jerry: Yeah, that's a good tip! Guy: That stinks! Jerry: I read it in Ann Landers. Guy: Oh, Ann Landers sucks! Cop 2: Hey, shut it up back there. Police Radio: Attention all units, attention all units, all units code 3. All units in the area, code 3 in progress, 1648 North Bartholis, units required for assistance in apprehension of 702. Cop: That's smog strangler. Jerry: Kramer. Cop 2: Got him. Let's go. Jerry: I wanna see what's happening. George: I don't know why I'm doing this. Kramer: Jerry, George! Lt. Martel: You are under arrest in first degree murder and death of Ms Chelsea Lang. Reporters: Why did you do it? What possessed you? Kramer: I don't know... Kramer: Hey, how are you doing? Jerry! George! Jerry: We're doing fine. How are you? Kramer: What me? Fabulous, just fabulous. I've got a lot of auditions, a lot of call backs and I've got a lot of interest for my movie treatment. I'm in development, I'm in developed vehicles. And there's a lot of energy here, man. You know, the vibe, it's powerful. I'm just swept up at it. Yeah, I'm a player. George: A player? Kramer: Yeah, a player... Jerry: Kramer, do you realize what's going on here? Do you know why you're here? Kramer: What? What this? I'll be out of here in couple of hours. Hey, guess who I met today? Rick Savage, oh nice kid, really good kid. You know, we're talking about doing a project together. Jerry: Kramer, you've been arrested as a serial killer! Kramer: So? I'm innocent! I mean you guys believe that I'm innocent, don't you? Jerry? George? Jerry: Well, yeah...sure. Police: Kramer, let's go. The Lieutenant wants to see you. Kramer: Ok, yeah. All right look, I'll be out of here by noon. Maybe we'll have lunch together, huh? Kramer: Help me!! Help me! Kramer: I didn't kill anyone, I swear! I swear to God! Lt. Martel: Don't you ever swear to my God, Kramer. My God is the god who protects the innocent and punishes the evil scum like you, have you got that? Kramer: You're making a big mistake. Lt. Martel: No! You have made the mistake, Kramer. Sickies like you always do. The only difference is that this time you're gonna pay. Kramer: What? Lt. Martel: Now you might beat the gas chamber Kramer, but as long as I have got a breath in my body you will never ever see the light of day again. Kramer: Wow wow wow wow, you've got the wrong man!! It wasn't me! Lt. Martel: Oh yeah, right. Maybe it was one of your other personalities huh, the wise guy, the little kid, the bellhop, the ball player, maybe the door to door vacuum cleaner salesman, but not you right? No, you wouldn't hurt a fly. You just couldn't help yourself, could you Kramer? You saw life brimming brightly with optimism and verve and you just had to snuff it out. Kramer: Ok, can I just talk to somebody? Can I just explain... Lt. Martel: I'm not interested in your explanations, Kramer! Sure, I bet you've got a million of 'em. Maybe your mother didn't love you enough, maybe the teacher didn't call on you in school when you had your little hand raised, maybe the pervert in the park had a present in his pants, huh? Well, I've got another theory you're a weed. Kramer: No... Lt. Martel: Society is filled with them. They're choking the life out of the all pretty flowers. Lt. Martel: You see something even remotely pretty and you have to choke the life out if it, don't you Kramer? Lt. Martel: You killed all the pretty flowers, didn't you Kramer? You killed the pretty little flowers, didn't you? You dirty, filthy, stinky weed! Didn't you? Officer: Lieutenant, it's for you. Lt. Martel: Martel...yeah...yeah...yeah...yeah. Officer: What it is, Lieutenant? Lt. Martel: Let him go. Officer: What, but Lieutenant? Lt. Martel: You heard me, let him go. They just found another body at the Laurel Canyon. Go on Kramer, get out of my sight. Kramer: Hey, how did you know about the guy in the park? Lt. Martel: I said beat it! Kramer: Hahaa! George: What? Jerry: What happened? Kramer: Somebody got killed while they had me in custody. Jerry: Really? Did you hear that? Somebody else was killed! George: You're kidding? Somebody else got killed? Jerry: While you were in jail. So you're free. Kramer: Yes, I'm free. (singing) 'cause the murderer struck again! Jerry: So Kramer, what are you going to do? Kramer: Do? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do. You know, I've always done what I do. I'm doing what I do, way I've always done and the way I'll always do it. George: Kramer, what the hell are you talking about? Kramer: What do you want me to say? That the things haven't worked out the way that I planned? That I'm struggling, barely able to keep my head above water? That L.A. is a cold place even in the middle of the summer? That it's a lonely place even when your stuck in traffic at the Hollywood Freeway? That I'm no better than a screenwriter driving a cab, a starlet turning tricks, a producer in a house he can't afford? Is that what you want me to say? George: I'd like to hear that. Jerry: Yeah... Kramer: Well, I'm not saying that! You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl... Jerry: Kramer, she was murdered! Kramer: Yeah, well I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV. George: As a suspect in a serial killing. Kramer: Ok, yeah, you guys got to put a negative spin on everything. George: What did they put on this tuna? Tastes like a dill, I think it's a dill. Jerry: So you're not gonna come back to New York with us? Kramer: No no I'm not ready, things are starting to happen. George: Taste this, is this a dill? Jerry: No, it's tarragon. Hey Kramer, I'm sorry about that whole fight we had about you having my apartment keys and everything. Kramer: Ok, it's forgotten. George: Tarragon? Oh, you're crazy. Jerry: Well, take it easy. Kramer: Yeah, ok. George: Yeah, take care. Stay in touch. Kramer: Hey hey, whoa come on give me a hug... Jerry: Oh, no... George: No, you're crushing my sandwich. Jerry: Yeah, it's so nice when it happens to you. George: Mint? Jerry: No thanks. George: I've got to tell you, I'm really disappointed in Lupe. Jerry: It's been three days already, forget about Lupe. George: Do you think she gets to take any of those little bars of soap home? Jerry: No, I don't. George: You would think that at the end of the week when they hand out the checks, throw in a few soaps. Jerry: Yeah, maybe they should throw in a couple of lamps too. George: I'll tell you something, if I'd own a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up on the walls and in their home, like Lenin. Jerry: How much did you wound up tipping her? George: Oh my God, I forgot! Jerry: Well, communism didn't work. Kramer: Hey! Kramer: Any mustard? This is empty. Jerry: Yeah, there's a new one in there. Kramer: No no, I don't like this one. It's too yellow. Any pickles? Jerry: Help yourself. Kramer: Yeah, all right. George: Kramer, what are you doing here? Kramer: Getting something to eat. Jerry: Kramer, here! Newscaster: Authorities exposed today, that the latest suspect in the smog strangling was apprehended this week on an unrelated charge, but somehow managed to escape from the police car, in which he was being held. Tobias Lehigh Nagy, who is also wanted in connection with a series of unrelated slains in the North West is still at large, his whereabouts unknown. He's described as 5'5" bald and reputedly a very generous tipper.

George: What did they do for toilet paper in the civil war? Jerry: What? George: I wonder what toilet paper was loike in the 1860's. Did they carry it in rolls in their duffle bags? Jerry: Everything with you comes down to toilet paper. George: What? Jerry: That's always the first question with you. Why is that always your focus? George: All right, so what did they do? Jerry: I don't know. Maybe they gave out fig leaf clumps to all the soldiers. George: Well I think it would be nice if there was some kind of historical record of it. Jerry: Maybe they should have a toilet paper museum. Would you like that? So we could see all the toilet paper advancements down through the ages. Toilet paper of the Crusades, the development of the perforation, the first six-pack . . . Stu: Excuse me, Jerry? I'm Stu Chermak. I'm with NBC. Jerry: Hi. Stu: Could we speak for a few moments? Jerry: Sure. Jay: Hi, Jay Crespi. Jerry: Hello. George: Uh, C-R-E-S-P-I? Jay: That's right. George: I'm unbelievable at spelling last names. Give me a last name. Jay: Mm, I'm not- Jerry: George- George: (backing off) Huh? All right, fine. Stu: First of all, that was a terrific show. Jerry: Oh thank you very much. Stu: And basically, I just wanted to let you know that we've been discussing you at some of our meetings and we'd be very interested in doing something. Jerry: Really? Wow. Stu: So, if you have any idea for like a TV show for yourself, well, we'd just love to talk about it. Jerry: I'd be very interested in something like that. Stu: Well, here, uh, why don't you give us a call and maybe we can develop a series. Jerry: Okay. Great. Thanks. Stu: It was very nice meeting you. Jerry: Thank you. Jay: Nice meeting you. Jerry: Nice meeting you. George: What was that all about? Jerry: They said they were interested in me. George: For what? Jerry: You know, a TV show. George: Your own show? Jerry: Yeah, I guess so. George: They want you to do a TV show? Jerry: Well, they want me to come up with an idea. I mean, I don't have any ideas. George: Come on, how hard is that? Look at all the junk that's on TV. You want an idea? Here's an idea. You coach gymnastics team in high school. And you're married. And your son's not interested in gymnastics and you're pushing him into gymnastics. Jerry: Why should I care if my son's into gymnastics? George: Because you're a gymnastics teacher. It's only natural. Jerry: But gymnastics is not for everybody. George: I know, but he's your son. Jerry: So what? George: All right, forget that idea, it's not for you...Okay, okay, I got it. You run an antique store. Jerry: Yeah and...? George: And people come in the store and you get involved in their lives. Jerry: What person who runs an antique store gets involved in people's lives? George: Why not? Jerry: So someone comes in to buy an old lamp and all of a sudden I'm getting them out of a jam? I could see if I was a pharmacist because a pharmacist knows what's wrong with everybody that comes in. George: I know, but antiques are very popular right now. Jerry: No they're not, they used to be. George: Oh yeah, like you know. Jerry: Oh like you do. Kramer: ...And you're the manager of the circus. Jerry: A circus? Kramer: Come on, this is a great idea. Look at the characters. You've got all these freaks on the show. A woman with a moustache? I mean, who wouldn't tune in to see a women with a moustache? You've for the tallest man in the world; a guy who's just a head. Jerry: I don't think so. Kramer: Look Jerry, the show isn't about the circus, it's about watching freaks. Jerry: I don't think the network will go for it. Kramer: Why not? Jerry: Look, I'm not pitching a show about freaks. Kramer: Oh come on Jerry, you're wrong. People they want to watch freaks. This is a "can't miss." Newman: Kramer. Jerry: Hello Newman. Newman: Come on lets go. I got the helmet. Lets get the radar detector. Kramer: All right I'll be back in a second. You guys coming to my party? (exits) Jerry And Newman: Yeah, sure. Jerry: What's this all about? Newman: We're making a trade. I'm giving him my motorcycle helmet - he's giving me his radar detector. Jerry: I didn't know you had a motorctcle. Newman: Well my girlfriend had one. Jerry: You have a girlfriend? Newman: I HAD a girlfriend and she was pretty wild. Jerry: I never remember you with a girl. Newman: Nevertheless, ... Jerry: This is a pretty bad deal for Kramer. You know a radar detector is worth much more than that helmet. I think you're cheating him. Newman: Don't say anything. Jerry: All right. Jerry: You know you're getting gypped over here. Kramer: Really, Ah, Newman: We had a deal. Are you reneging out of the deal? Are you reneging? That's a renege. Kramer: Oh, stop saying 'reneging". Newman: Well you're reneging. Kramer: I, Okay, okay. I'm not reneging. Newman: All right give it to me. let go ... Kramer: You let go - come on ...(they fight over the items) Jerry: Gimme that - just gimme that. Here. Idiots! Newman: Thanks buddy. So long he he ...(exits) Jerry: Does that thing work? Kramer: Nah. Jerry: ... I just got a postcard from Elaine? George: Really? Jerry: Yeah, they're in London now. They'll be back in a few weeks. George: I can't believe she got involved with a shrink. George: So, what's happening with the TV show? You come up with anything? Jerry: No, nothing. George: Why don't they have salsa on the table? Jerry: What do you need salsa for? George: Salsa is now the number one condiment in America. Jerry: You know why? Because people like to say "salsa." "Excuse me, do you have salsa?" "We need more salsa." "Where is the salsa? No salsa?" George: You know it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa. (Angry) "I wanted seltzer, not salsa." Jerry: "Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa?? You have the seltezer after the salsa!" George: See, this should be a show. This is the show. Jerry: What? George: This. Just talking. Jerry: (dismissing) Yeah, right. George: I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea. Jerry: Just talking? Well what's the show about? George: It's about nothing. Jerry: No story? George: No forget the story. Jerry: You've got to have a story. George: Who says you gotta have a story? Remember when we were waiting for, for that table in that Chinese restaurant that time? That could be a TV show. Jerry: And who is on the show? Who are the characters? George: I could be a character. Jerry: You? George: Yeah. You could base a character on me. Jerry: So, on the show, there's a character named George Costanza? George: Yeah. There's something wrong with that? I'm a character. People are always saying to me, "You know you're a quite a character." Jerry: And who else is on the show? George: Elaine could be a character. Kramer.. Jerry: Now he's a character. (Pause) So everybody I know is a character on the show. George: Right. Jerry: And it's about nothing? George: Absolutely nothing. Jerry: So you're saying, I go in to NBC, and tell them I got this idea for a show about nothing. George: We go into NBC. Jerry: "We"? Since when are you a writer? George: (Scoffs) Writer. We're talking about a sit-com. Jerry: You want to go with me to NBC? George: Yeah. I think we really go something here. Jerry: What do we got? George: An idea. Jerry: What idea? George: An idea for the show. Jerry: I still don't know what the idea is. George: It's about nothing. Jerry: Right. George: Everybody's doing something, we'll do nothing. Jerry: So, we go into NBC, we tell them we've got an idea for a show about nothing. George: Exactly. Jerry: They say, "What's your show about?" I say, "Nothing." George: There you go. Jerry: (Nodding) I think you may have something there. Jerry: So, the show would be about my real life. And one of the characters would be based on you. Kramer: (Thinks) No, I don't think so. Jerry: What do you mean you don't think so? Kramer: I don't like it. Jerry: I don't understand. What don't you like about it? Kramer: I don't like the idea of a character based on me. Jerry: Why not? Kramer: well it just doesn't sit well. Jerry: You're my neighbor. There's got to be a character based on you. Kramer: That's your problem, buddy. Jerry: I don't understand what the big deal is. Kramer: Hey, I'll tell you what - you can do it on one condition. Jerry: Whatever you want. Kramer: I get to play Kramer. Jerry: You can't play Kramer. Kramer: I am Kramer. Jerry: But you can't act. Kramer: Phew! Jerry: Okay, fine. We'll use Newman. Kramer: Newman? Newman: Use me for what? Jerry: Nothin' What do you want? Newman: Well, you'll never guess what happened to me today. I was uh, driving ( Jerry and Kramer turn away) home on the palisades parkway when I looked in the rear view mirror and what did I see? The fuzz. And it's funny because my new radar detector was on. I didn't hear a thing. Isn't that strange? Kramer: Yeah. That's strange. Newman: A radar detector, as I understand it, DETECTS RADAR! WITH A SERIES OF BEEPS AND FLASHING LIGHTS. But oddly, for some reason I didn't hear a thing except for the sound of a police siren. Kramer: That's queer uh? Newman: I WANT MY HELMET BACK! GIVE ME BACK MY HELMET AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT TICKET. Kramer: Yeah, you better think again Mojumbo. Newman: You gave me a defective detector. ... Jerry? Jerry: Buyer beware. Newman: Are you going to give me back that helmet or not? Kramer: No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees in life. Newman: No, but there's karma, Kramer. Jerry: Karma Kramer? Newman: And one more thing. I'm not coming to your party. (exits) Jerry: (To himself) Salsa, seltzer. Hey, excuse me, you got any salsa? No, not selzer, salsa. (George doesn't react) What's the matter? George: (Nervous) Nothing. Jerry: You sure? You look a little pale. George: No, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm very good. Jerry: What, are you nervous? George: No, not nervous. I'm good, very good. (A beat, then he snaps) I can't do this! Can't do this! Jerry: What? George: I can't do this! I can't do it. I have tried. I'm here. It's impossible. Jerry: This was your idea! George: What idea? I just said something. I didn't know you were going to listen to me. Jerry: Dont' worry about it. They're just TV executives. George: They're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear suits and ties. They're married, they have secretaries. Jerry: I told you not to come. George: I need some water. I gotta get some water. Jerry: They'll give us water in there. George: Really? That's pretty good. Jerry: Oh God, it's Joe Devola. George: Who? Jerry: This guy's a writer, he's a total nut. I think he goes to the same shrink as Elaine. Jerry: Oh God he saw me. Devola: Hello Jerry. Jerry: Hey Joe! HOW YOU DOING? Devola: You're under no obligation to shake my hand. Jerry: Oh, no, Just a custom. Uh, THAT'S MY FRIEND GEORGE. YOU LOOK GOOD. Devola: Why shouldn't I look good? Jerry: Oh, no reason. You're into karate right? Devola: You want to hit me? Jerry: What are you doing here? Devola: I dreopped a script off. Jerry: AH, GOOD FOR YOU. Jerry: Well, ... Devola: You don't have to say anything. Jerry: No, Uh, hey I guess I'll see you Sunday night. Devola: Why? Jerry: Kramer's party. Devola: Kramer's ... having ... a ... party? Jerry: No, no, he's not having a party. He's doing something. I don't know what it is. It's nothing. He's not doing anything. Devola: Gee, I thought Kramer and I were very close friends. Jerry: No, I'm sure you are. I'm sure you are very close friends. Very close. Jerry: Give my best to Hinckley. George: What was that? Jerry: I can't believe what I just did. I didn't know kramer didn't invite him. I better call Kramer, ... Receptionist: They're ready for you. George: Okay, okay. Look, you do all the talking, okay? Jerry: Relax. Who are they? George: Yeah, they're not better than me. Jerry: Course not. George: Who are they? Jerry: They're nobody. George: What about me? Jerry: What about you? George: Why them? Why not me? Jerry: Why not you? George: I'm as good as them. Jerry: Better. George: You really think so? Jerry: No. Stu: (To Jerry, laughing about one of his bits) The bit, the bit I really liked what were the parakeet flew into the mirror. Now that's funny. George: The parakeet in the mirror. That's a good one, Stu. Jerry: Yeah, it's one of my favorites. Russell: What about you, George? Have you written anything we might know? George: (Quickly making it up) Well, possibly. I wrote an off-Broadway show, "La Cocina." ..Actually, it was off-off-Broadway. It was a comedy about a Mexican chef. Jerry: Oh, it was very funny. There was one great scene with the chef - what was his name? George: Pepe. Jerry: Oh, Pepe. Yeah, Pepe. And, uh, he was making tamales. Susan: Oh, he actually cooked on the stage? George: No, no, he mimed it. That's what was so funny about it. Russell: So, what have you two come up with? Jerry: Well, we've thought about this in a variety of ways. But the basic idea is I will play myself- George: (Interrupting) May I? Jerry: Go ahead. George: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word NOTHING. Russell: Nothing? George: (Smiling) Nothing. Russell: (Unimpressed) What does that mean? George: The show is about nothing. Jerry: (To George) Well, it's not about nothing. George: (To Jerry) No, it's about nothing. Jerry: Well, maybe in philosophy. But, even nothing is something. Receptionist: Mr. Dalrymple, your niece is on the phone. Russell: I'll call back. George: (Attempting to spell his last name) D-A-L-R-I-M-P-E-L? Russell: (Obviously dislikes George) Not even close. George: Is it with a "y"? Russell: No. Susan: What's the premise? Jerry: ..Well, as I was saying, I would play myself, and, as a comedian, living in New York, I have a friend, a neighbor, and an ex-girlfriend, which is all true. George: Yeah, but nothing happens on the show. You see, it's just like life. You know, you eat, you go shopping, you read.. You eat, you read, You go shopping. Russell: You read? You read on the show? Jerry: Well, I don't know about the reading.. We didn't discuss the reading. Russell: All right, tell me, tell me about the stories. What kind of stories? George: Oh, no. No stories. Russell: No stories? So, what is it? George: (Showing an example) What'd you do today? Russell: I got up and came to work. George: There's a show. That's a show. Russell: (Confused) How is that a show? Jerry: Well, uh, maybe something happens on the way to work. George: No, no, no. Nothing happens. Jerry: Well, something happens. Russell: Well, why am I watching it? George: Because it's on TV. Russell: (Threatening) Not yet. George: Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity. And I'll tell you something else, this is the show and we're not going to change it. (To Jerry) Right? Jerry: (To Russell) How about this I manage a circus.. Jerry: I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better. George: . . . I thought the woman was kind of cute. Jerry: Hold it. I really want to be clear about this. Are you talking about the woman in the meeting? Is that the woman you're talking about? George: Yeah, I thought I might give her a call. I, I don't meet that many women. I meet like three women a year. I mean, we've been introduced. She knows my name. Jerry: IT'S COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE! George: Why? Maybe she liked me. I, I mean she was looking right at me. You know, I think she was impressed. You know, we had good eye contact the whole meeting. Jerry: Oh, I forgot to call Kramer. George: Wait a minute let me call Susan. Jerry: No, no this is more important. George: She might be leaving to work any minute. Jerry: No, I got to warn him that I told Joe Devola about his party. George: No. Elaine: What is it? Dr. Reston: I was just thinking about this patient of mine. Elaine: What? Dr. Reston: Just wondering if he's taking his medication. Elaine: Well, come on we're on vacation. Jerry: Well we were standing uh, inn the waiting area there, and you know how Devola is. He's all, ... (buzzer) Kramer: Yeah (to buzzer) George: (OC) It's George. Jerry: And so, uh I felt very uncomfortable with him and you know I just blurted out something about your party. Kramer: Whoa, back up a second. Jerry: Well, I didn't know that you didn't invite him. Kramer: Why would you think I would invite him? Jerry: I just a ssumed, ... Kramer: Assumed? Never assume anything. I don't want that nut in my house. You know he's on medication. George: Hello, oh, hello. You remember, ... Susan, from N B C. Jerry: Of course. How are you? Susan: Fine, it's good to see you. George: And this is Kramer. Susan: Hello. George: All right go ahead Susan, tell him. Jerry: Tell me what? Susan: Well, I, (phone rings) Jerry: Uh, sorry, Excuse me one second. Hello. Tel: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service. Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later. Tel: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that. Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home. Tel: No. Jerry: Well now you know how I feel. (Hangs up) George: Well, go ahead, tell him. Jerry: Kramer, are you drinking that milk? Kramer: Yeah. Jerry: What's the expiration date on that? Kramer: September third. Jerry: The third? George: and SUSAN The third? Kramer: Um, Uh, ugh, ... Susan: Noooo... (Kramer throws up on Susan) George: I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. Should have seen it coming. I didn't see it coming. Jerry: I think SHE saw it coming. George: You know she was behind the idea. She was going to champion the show. That's what I was bring her up there to tell you. And she liked me. Jerry: Look just because Kramer vomited on her doesn't mean the deal is dead. George: What, are you crazy? It's a traumatic thing to be thrown up on. Jerry: Vommiting is not a deal breaker. If Hitler had vommited on Chamberlin, Chamberlind still would have given him Chekoslovakia. George: Chamberlind, you could hold his head in nthe toilet, he'd still give you half of Europe. Jerry: What happened to you? Kramer: Devola came after me. Jerry: What? Devola? See I told you this guy is crazy. I can't believe this. What happened? Kramer: Can I have a coffee. ... What, you know I was walking home and I had to pick up my helmet from the shop, you know. I gota new strap. And I had it on you know, and I was checking the strap out to make sure it fit. Then suddenly I feel this kick hit me on the side of the head. It knocks me down, I look up and it's Crazy Joe Devola. And he say's, "That's what I thin k of your party." Jerry: Boy, that is some kick. Kramer: Well, yeah, Newman's helmet, it saved my life. Look at that. Jerry: Wow, Newman's helmet. George: Holly. Kramer: I got bad news for you buddy. Devola says you're next. Jerry: Me, why? Kramer: He doesn't like you. Jerry: What does he want from me? I didn't do anything. See this is all Elaine's fault. She took off to Europe with his psychiatrist. He probably can't get his medication. Now I got some nut after me. Kramer: Pass the cream. George: Wait a second. (smells it). all right.

Jerry: (going through couch cushions) Where the hell did I put this? Kramer: What are you looking for? Jerry: The remote, the remote, I can't find the remote. Did I lost, I lost it. Did you take it? Did you put it some place? Kramer: No, no, no. Jerry: All right, what is this? Kramer: (clueless) what is what? Jerry: All right, very funny. I get it. Kramer: You're in a weird mood. Jerry: Come on. Go back to your apartment and fix it. Kramer: Fix what? Jerry: Your pants! Kramer: what is this? What have I got one pant leg on for? Jerry: Don't you know? Look-look at your face! You only shaved the right side of your face! What is this? A joke? Kramer: No, t's a joke.. a joke... a joke... you think this is funny? Jerry: Go look at your face in the mirror. Kramer: Wha-huh-wha-huh... Jerry: (pressing intercom) yeah? George: (on intercom) It's George. Jerry: Come on up. Kramer: I don't believe this. Jerry: You mean, you didn't know you were doing any of these things? Kramer: No, I swear. Jerry: I bet this is from that kick from that crazy Joe Davola. You better see a doctor and get some X-rays. George: (to Kramer) Ah! You're just the man I'm looking for. Kramer: Me? George: Yeah, here you go. Kramer: What's this? George: A dry-cleaning bill? Jerry: From that woman at NBC? George: Yeah. Kramer: A dry-cleaning bill for what? George: For vomiting on her vest! Kramer: Oh, come on George! I didn't do that on purpose! George: Well, I shouldn't have to pay for it! Kramer: Well, neither should I! Jerry's the one who left the milk in the refrigerator. George: (to Jerry) Yeah, your milk. Jerry: (pointing Kramer) He drank it. Kramer: I didn't know. Jerry: All right, well, we should all chip in I guess. Kramer: Yeah. Jerry: How much was it to clean the vest? George: Eighteen dollars. Jerry: Can you get vomit out of suede? George: I don't know. Kramer: Yo-yo Ma! Jerry: What? Yo-yo Ma? Kramer: What about him? Jerry: You just said 'Yo-yo Ma'. George: What's Yo-yo Ma? Jerry: He's a cellist. (to Kramer) You should see a doctor today. George: All right, come on, come on, let's go. Six dollars. Jerry: I can't believe she sent you that dry-cleaning bill. George: I know! Jerry: That doesn't really bode well for the show, does it? George: The show! Forget about the show! We should take the idea to a different network Jerry: Oh, yeah. Right. Like anybody's ever gonna do this! How did you get me to go along with that? A show about nothing! George: It was a good idea. Susan liked it. Now, if he hadn't vomitted all over her, we'd be writing it right now. Kramer: Jeez! George: Anyway. Jerry: (interrupts) What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What're you doing? Give me that phone! Go to your apartment and lie down, I'll make an appointment for a doctor today. (on the phone) Hello? Oh hi! I'm sorry. No, that's my next door neighbor. He's not quite himself. He got kicked in the head. What? Really? You're kidding! Today? Yeah! Sure! We could make it. Two o'clock? Yeah, we would do that. Okay. Great! Thanks a million! Okay, bye. George: What? Jerry: NBC! They wanna have another meeting about the idea. George: They wanna have another meeting? They wanna buy it?! They wanna but it?! Oh! I tell you! We're gonna be rich!! What are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand? Jerry: I don't know about sixty. George: Oh, it's gotta be fifty! Hee hee! You know how much Ted Danson makes, huh? Jerry: Ted Danson! Now, how are you comparing us to Ted Danson? George: I didn't say 'We're Ted Danson.' Jerry: Yes, you did. You said 'We're Ted Danson'! George: Oh! Jerry: You know, I think he wears a piece. George: Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it. Jerry: I'm ten minutes slow again! That's it for this piece of junk! I've had it. George: What, is that the one your parents gave you? Jerry: Yeah! But it never works. You know we're supposed to be there by two o'clock. We should take a cab. George: All right, we'll be a little late, I,m not taking a cab. Jerry: I'll pay for it. George: It's not the money! Jerry: Well, what is it you object to? The comfort? The Speed? The convenience? Leo: Jerry! Jerry: Uncle Leo! Leo: Helloooo! Jerry: Hello there, how're you doing? Leo: Ha ha! How are you? Jerry: Good, good. Leo: How's your mom and dad? Jerry: Good, fine. Leo: What are you getting to be too much of a big shot now to give me a call? I don't hear from you anymore! Jerry: Oh, no. I've been kinda busy. It's all. Leo: You know where I just came from? Jerry: (not enthousiastic at all) Oh, sure. Danny. Leo: He used to be in the pajama business. I used to be able to get pajamas for free. I used to come over and get pajamas all the time! Jerry: Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember. Leo: The funny thing is I can't wear 'em. I get too hot. I sleep in my underwear and a t-shirt. If it gets too hot, I just get the t-shirt off! Anyway, Danny says to me 'You need any pajamas?' Jerry: (interrupts) I-I'm sorry Uncle Leo, I really gotta get going. Leo: Oh. Well. You gotta get going, so go. Jerry: We, we got a big meeting with the president of NBC. Leo: Nobody got a gun to your head! Jerry: (seems sincere) Yeah, I'm really sorry, uh. Leo: Go. Really. I understand. You got an appointment, go to your appointment. Jerry: I'm sorry, really. Leo: You know, I know plenty of people in Hollywood too! Jerry: Sorry, really. Kramer: (from inside) Yeah? Newman: Come on, are you ready? Let's go! Kramer: For what? Newman: What's the matter with you? I just talked to you fifteen minutes ago. Kramer: what about? Newman: The courthouse. You gotta go with me to the courthouse. I'm contesting a ticket today. Kramer: I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later. Newman: You gotta go with me. I mean, you-you're my alibi. You have to take the stand. Kramer: Well, I can't! Newman: Well, let me remind you of something. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life! You would be dead! Dead! You would cease to exist! You would be gone for the rest of eternity! You wouldn't even begin to comprehend what that means!! Kramer: Shut up! I'll get my coat! Kramer: Don't step on anything. Jerry: You see the look on my uncle's face? Did you see how insulted he was? What could I do? Waht are we supposed to do? You can't leave. There's no excuse good enough to justify walking away from a conversation with one of my relatives. George: I didn't shave this morning. I don't feel like myself. Jerry: You could be a fireman on a fire truck on the way to a fire. You bump into one of my relatives. 'I'm sorry Uncle Leo, there's a building full of people burning down. I really do have to be running.' He'll go 'Go. Go ahead. Go to your fancy fire. If that's what you have to do.' George: Look at this. Jerry: Why didn't you shave this morning? George: 'Cause I shaved yesterday in the afternoon. Jerry: Why? George: Because of the day before. It's a long story. Jerry: Is that Joe Davola? George: It's not him! Jerry: I can't live tlike this. I'm being stalked. Receptionist: Mister Seinfeld? They're ready for you. Jerry: Oh. George: Mister Seinfeld? What about Mister Costanza? I'm not here? Jerry: All right. Look. Now, you promised you're gonna be a little more flexible on the nothing idea, okay? Jsut a little. George: Okay. A little. Newman: Okay, you're all set? You got your story? Kramer: No. Newman: When the cop stopped me, I told him that I was rushing home because my friend was about to commit suicide. Kramer: Uhm... Newman: Now, you're that firend. Now, all we need is a reason why you were going to commit suicide. Kramer: I never had an air conditioner. Newman: No! That's no reason to kill yourself! Kramer: Why? It gets hot at night, you can't sleep. You ever tried to sleep in a really hot room? Newman: Every night I sleep in a really hot room, I don't want to kill myself. Kramer: Well, I slept in really hot rooms and I wanted to kill myself. Newman: No, no, no. That's not gonna work. Something else. Kramer: I was never able to become a banker. Newman: Banker! So you're killing yourself because your dreams of becoming a banker have gone unfulfilled. You-you-you-you can't live without being a banker. Kramer: Yeah, yeah. If I can't be banker, I don't wanna live. Newman: You must be banker. Kramer: MUST be banker. Newman (Satisfied): Okay, we'll go with the banker story. George: The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story otherwise it's just masturbation. Russel: And people really have to care about the characters. George: Care? Forget about care. Love. They have to love the characters. Otherwise, why would they keep tuning in? Jerry: Wouldn't tune in. George: Would they tune in? Jerry: No tune. Russel: We like to look at the show as if it were in EKG. You have your highs and your lows and it goes up and down. George: The show will be like a heart attack! Jerry: Just a huge massive coronary. Russel: So what you said last week about no story, you're a little flexible on that now. George: Is-is that what I said 'no story'? Because Jerry had to tell me later. Jerry: He couldn't believe it. George: (Laughs, snorts) I said, I said 'Get outta here! No story? Is that what I said?' Police Officer: Well, I informed him that he was exceeding the speed limit and uh, that's when he told me that he was racing home because his friend was about to commit suicide. Judge: And then what happened? Police Officer: Well, then he became very loud and hysterical. He was flailing his arms about as he told the story and then he threw himself on the ground and he grabbed me around the legs and then he begged me to let him go. And when I refused, that's when he began to scream 'My friend's going to die, my friend's going to die.' Russel: Look. I don't know how you two guys feel but we would really like to be in business with you. George: Well, we would like to be in business. Let's do business. We'll have some business. Let's have business. Jerry: We would love to be in business. We'll do business. We're in business. It's... it's business. This is business. George: Yeah! Stu: Would it be possible to get a-a-a copy of 'La Cocina'? Jerry: Your off-Broadway play. George: Oh, oh. Uh, you know. It's the damndest thing. I, uh, I moved recently and my files, pfff, disappeared. Now, I-I don't know if they fell off the truck or if there was some sort of foul play but let me tell you something. I'm not through with that moving company. Jerry: (backs his story) Hmm, hmm. George: That's my vow to you. Russel: Well, I got a feeling about you two. And even more than that. I place a great deal of confidence in that lady's judgment. George: Oh! That's good judgment. That's a pile of judgment there. Sure. Jerry: Oh! Taht's judgment. Yes, yes. Judgment with earrings on. Yeah. Russel: (gets up) So, let's make a pilot. Newman: I had gone up to Westchester. I go there every Tuesday. I do charity for the blind in my spare time for the Lighthouse. I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi with an old blind man and I excused myself to call my friend as he was very depressed lately because he never became a banker. Judge: I don't understand. Newman: You see, it'd been his lifelong dream to be a banker and he uh, just the day before he was turned down by another bank. I believe it was the Manufacturer's Hanover on Lexington and 40th Street. That was the third bank to turn him down so I was-I was a little concerned. I wanted to see how he was doing. Well, Your Honor, he was barely audible. But I distinctly recall him say... Kramer: (interupts involuntarily) Yo-yo Ma! Newman: So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker. Judge: So then he didn't kill himself. Newman: No sir. He did not. But only by thge grace of God. He's in the courtroom today George: See? Jerry: Yeah! George: I told you, I told you! Ha ha ha! Ooh ooh! Jerry: Now, all we gotta do is write it. George: Yes! How're we gonna do that? Susan: Hey! Congratulations! Jerry: Thanks. George: Oh, thank you. Jerry: Thank you, thanks. George: Thanks. Gee, you know, I thought you were mad at me. Susan: No. Receptionist: Mister Seinfeld, you have a phone call. Jerry: Phone call? Who knows I'm here? George: When you sent me the-the bill for the dry-cleaning. I thought the show didn't have a chance. Susan: Oh, it was only vomit. George: Anyway, I-I would like to-to pay for the cleaning. Susan: Oh no-no, it's okay. *comment from transcriber yeah, she doesn't want to be paid, didn't she send the bill?* George: No-no-no, we all chipped in. We have the money. Susan: Well, it was eighteen dollars. George: Okay, uh, eighteen dollars, and there it is. There you go. So maybe we could get together this weekend. Susan: Yeah. Call me. George: All right, great. Susan: Bye. Jerry: Bye thanks. George: (chuckles) Bye, thanks. (To Jerry, when Susan is far) I can't believe she took the money. Jerry: Why? George: I offered to pay. She should've said no. Jerry: She did, you insisted. George: Maybe this is what the pilot should be about, vomiting on somebody's vest. Jerry: Nah! George: How much are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand? Jerry: oh, I d-I don't know. I d- George: Oh, gotta get fifty. Gotta get fifty. All right, I tell you what. We go to the coffee shop, you call your manager. Maybe they made an offer. Jerry: Okay. George: (excited, pushing Jerry forward) All right, let's go, let's go, let's go, come on. George: Thirteen thousand? Jerry: Thirteen thousand. George: a piece? Jerry: No, for both! George: That's insulting! Ted Danson makes eight hundred thousand dollars an episode. Jerry: Oh, would you stop with the Ted Danson? George: Well, he does. Jerry: You're nuts! George: I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he? Jerry: He's somebody. George: What about me? Jerry: You're nobody. George: Why him? Why not me? Jerry: He's good, you're not. George: I'm better than him. Jerry: You're worse, much much worse. (crouches in booth) That's Davola! George: (crouches too) What? Where? Where? Jerry: Outside! I saw him outside! Elaine: what is it? Boyfriend: Oh, it's this patient. Elaine: (sighing) Again? Boyfriend: I'm fairly certain. I forgot to leave him an extra prescription for his medication. Elaine: Well, so, he can live without his Valium for a couple of days. Boyfriend: Nah, you don't understand. He could be dangerous. Jerry: Go outside and see if he's still there. George: I can't go out there, he knows we're friends. Jerry: Well, what are we supposed to do? I gotta take Kramer to the doctor. George: Tell the cop. Jerry: Good idea. Cop: Yeah, all right. Just let me get a muffin. Jerry: Thanks. Jerry: (back in booth) He's gonna get a muffin and then he'll walk us outside. This is a great way to go through life. George: I thought you said he was gonna get a muffin. Jerry: (bossy) What are you doing? Cop: What? Jerry: What, are you ordering food now? Cop: Yeah! Yeah, I decided to get a sandwich. Jerry: What happened to the muffin? Cop: I got a little hungry. Jerry: All of a sudden you get hungry? Cop: Yeah! You got a problem with that? Jerry: No! Enjoy your lunch. George: I thought he was just gonna have a muffin. Jerry: All of a sudden he gets hungry. George: You know, a muffin can be very filling. Jerry: I know! Newman: (interrogating Kramer) Mister Kramer, you heard the testimony so far. Would you please tell the court in your own words what happened on the afternoon of September 10th? Kramer: What do you mean 'my own words'? Whose words are they gonna be? Newman: You know what I mean. Kramer: (to Judge) I was very upset that day. Newman: And why was that? Kramer: (to Newman) Would you let me say it? Let me talk! Newman: All right, all right. Go ahead, go ahead. Kramer: All right. Newman: Okay. Kramer: (to Judge) I was very upset that day because I could never become a banker. Newman: And that failure to become a banker was eating at you. Eating-eating-eating at you inside. Kramer: (not convincing) Uh, yeah. Newman: It was your family that pushed you into banking , it was their dream for you... Judge: Mister Newman. Newman: Your Honor, I'm only trying to establish Mister Kramer's fragile emotional state, my entire case depends on it. Judge: Uh, continue. Newman: As you were saying, Mister Kramer... Kramer: What was the question? Newman: You're telling how your parents pushed you into banking. Kramer: Uh, well, my father when I was a kid, he took me to the bank and he lifted me up and he pointed to the teller and he said 'Sonny boy, take a good look at him, that's gonna be you some day.' Newman: But you never became a banker, did you Mister Kramer? Why? Why did you fail? Kramer: I don't know. Newman: It was because you hated your father and you would do anything to displease him. Isn't THAT true? Judge: Uh, could you get to the speeding? Newman: Yuh, yes. I intend to Your Honor. And then, on the afternoon of September 10th, you received a phone call did you not? Kramer: (puzzled) Phone call? Newman: Yes, a phone call! Kramer: From who? Newman: From me! Kramer: From you? Newman: Yes, from me!! I called you remember? Kramer: You called me? Newman: Yes, I called you, you idiot! Because you were going to... You were going to... Remember? Kramer: what? Newman: You were going to... Judge: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call a- Newman: Yes, the banker!!! Kramer: What banking? Newman: A banker! A banker! Your Honor, Your Honor, Your Honor... Judge: That's enough already. Newman: Your Honor, Mister Kramer's obviously very distraught. Kramer: I'm distraught!?! Wooh-wooh-hoo! Newman: (to Kramer) You shut up! (to judge) I demand a recess so I can take him outside and help him regain hius composure. Judge: That'll be seventy-five dollars. Newman: (Strangling Kramer) What's the matter with you? We had it all worked out! Jerry: Do you see him? George: I'm not* sure. Jerry: Well, either you see him or you don't. George: All right. I don't. Jerry: (looking at the cop) What is he doing? Is he getting coffee? I think he's getting coffee.! George: What's with this guy? Jerry: (still bossy) Did you just order coffee? Cop: Yeah. Jerry: This is really too much. Cop: What is your problem? Jerry: Well, I'm sitting over there waiting for you to finish your sandwich for twenty minutes. Now you're drinking coffee, that's gonna be another ten minutes. Cop: Well, you're just gonna have to wait. Kramer: Never said anything about the banking. Newman: You're off your rocker. Jerry: Hey you guys! Kramer: Hey! Jerry: What are you doing here? Kramer: What are YOU doing here? Jerry: Hey, is Davola outside? Kramer: Davola? Jerry: Yeah. Kramer: No, I didn't see him. Newman: Crazy Joe Davola? George: (reading the tabs) Jerry, yours is eleven dollars. Jerry: Eleven dollars for what? George: Muffin, sandwich and coffee! Jerry: (to Kramer) Hey, NBC okayed our idea. We're gonna make the pilot. Kramer: You're gonna do the circus freak show, uh? Jerry: No. Newman: Pilot? So what do you make for something like that? Fifty? Sixty thousand? George: What's the difference? The money is not important. Jerry: (looking outside) Hey Newman, is that your red car? Newman: Yeah. Jerry: I think you're getting a ticket. Newman: Deh! Kramer: Run, run! Go, go, go! Newman: Hey! What are you doing? It's after six o'clock! You can't give me a ticket! Hey, you're not gonna get away with this. I'll fight this. I got witnesses. Kramer: I saw the whole thing! Jerry: Maybe this whole thing would be a good idea for the pilot. George: Ah, get outta here. The vomiting is much funnier. Jerry: Oh, like you know what you're talking about! George: No, YOU do!

Jerry: So George and I went up to NBC and we told them the idea for a series now we're just waiting to sign the contract. Helen: And they liked the idea? Jerry: Yeah. Morty: What'ya got leather seats here? Helen: Since when is George a writer? Jerry: What writer? It's a sitcom. Helen: This is so exciting. When are you going to sign the contract? Jerry: Soon, there's a couple of problems. Morty: Jerry, I wanna tell you that meal was the worst. Jerry: What do you expect? It's airline food. Morty: They give you that *Fish.* Jerry: How could you eat fish on a plane? Morty: because she puts up such a big stink every time I have a piece of meat. Helen: What kind of problems? Jerry: Well, George doesn't think $13,000 is enough money. Helen: What? He's not even working. Morty: George is right. Those people will try to get away with murder. Believe me. They're all crooks. Helen: Jerry, I want you to sign that contract. Jerry: We're going to sign it. We're going to sign it. In fact George is out with the woman from NBC right now. George: So, I'm uh, I'm afraid we're going to have to pass. Susan: Yu - you're passing? George: Well, it's . . . much too low. Susan: Are you and Jerry in complete agreement on this? George: tsh (snorts) Ah, yeah, we've - we've talked . . . I believe I can speak for the both of us on this. Susan: Well be-because you know that, because this is your first show it's a pretty standard deal. George: Standard? Susan: Yeah. George: Is Ted Danson's deal standard? Susan: Ted Danson? George: You know, the guy from Cheers. Susan: Yeah, I know who he is. (laughs) You're not Ted Danson. George: I didn't say I was Ted Danson. Susan: All right, I'll tell Russell tomorrow. George: You tell Russell. Susan: Oh, um, before I forget, . . . Cuban cigars. It's a present from my father. George: Oh... do I have to write him a note or something? Susan: Yeah, I am sure he'd appreciated that. George: Well what would I say in the note? Susan: Ah, you're a writer. You'll think of something. George: Oh-ohf (snorts) yeah, I'm a writer. (laughs) Helen: Were you waiting long at the gate? Jerry: Um, I don't even know? Helen: Where's that watch we bought you? Jerry: Oh uh ... Jerry: That's enough with this piece of junk I've had it. (throws watch in garbage) George: Wha-Is that the one your parents gave you? Jerry: Yeah, but it never works. Jerry: . . . it's uh, being fixed. Morty: I got a guarantee on that watch. Give it to me, I'll take it back to where we got it. Jerry: It's at the jeweler. Morty: You send me the bill. Jerry: I'm not sending you the bill. Helen: That watch was a gift. You shouldn't have to pay for it. Gas Station Attendant: That's uh, $18.50. Morty: Here, I got it. Jerry: What are you talking about? It's my car. Let me pay for the gas. Morty: No, no put it away . . . Jerry: Dad! Morty: Stop it. Jerry: I have money. I make money. Morty: Yeah, yeah, you make money. Jerry: You don't think I make money. That's what you think isn't it? Helen: No, I don't think that. Jerry: Yes you do. That's what you both think. Morty: I'm paying. Jerry: Dad I'm paying. Morty: Get out of here. Jerry: You're not paying. Morty: Now Jerry please, do not do this to your father. Over my dead body Jerry. I'll tell you right now, you're not going to do it. Jerry: No don't do this. You're not doing this. I will fight you. No you don't... No. Jerry: Boy, you got a lot of stuff here. . . . Dad, what are you doing? Morty: Nothing nothing. Jerry: Leave it. What about your back? Helen: Morty, what are you doing? Morty: All right, all right. Jerry: You come all the way up here to see a back specialist and you're lifting heavy suit cases. Kramer: Hey, Morty. Morty: Hey, Mr. Kramer. Ha ha ha. Kramer: Hey, Mrs. Seinfeld. Hi Helen: Ha, ha, ha Oh, What happened to you? Kramer: Oh, ah, well some guy kicked me in the side of the head. Helen: What guy? Kramer: Ah, w-Crazy Joe Devola. Helen: Why? Kramer: Well, I was having this party and I didn't invite him and then Jerry, tipped him off. Jerry: Why did you tell this crazy guy that Kramer didn't invite him to his party? Jerry: I didn't know he wasn't invited. Morty: Hey, these are very comfortable pants. You know what I paid for these Jerry? Helen: So why did you say anything? Jerry: It was a mistake. Morty: They're good around the house - and they're good for outside. Helen: Are you okay? Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah. I was a little off last week, huh Jerry - Yeah but the doctor says it was just a slight concussion Helen: So what's the matter with this Devola guy? Jerry: He's got like a chemical imbalance. He needs to be on medication. Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah. He's after Jerry now. Jerry: Kramer!! Helen: He's what?! Jerry: He's joking. Helen: He's after you? Jerry: Nooo. Helen: Why is he after you? Jerry: He's not after me. Helen: Morty, do you here this? Some crazy guy is after Jerry. Morty: I'll make a few phone calls. Jerry: Who you gonna to call? Morty: What are you worried about? Helen: I want to know what you did to this guy that he's after you. Jerry: I didn't do anything. Helen: Well you must have done something. Jerry: No, he just doesn't like me. Helen: Doesn't like you? How could anyone not like you? Jerry: You know it seems impossible. Helen: Doesn't - doesn't like you? How could that be? Jerry: Ma, I know this may be hard for you to understand but I am sure there are many people who do not like me. Helen: Huh, Jerry, don't say that. Jerry: It's true. Helen: No, it isn't! it's not true. You're a wonderful, wonderful boy. Everybody likes you. It's impossible not to like you. Impossible. Morty? Morty: Maybe some people don't like him. I could see that. Helen: Kramer? Kramer: Yeah, I like him. Hey Jerry, what time you got? Jerry: Um, I haven't got my watch on. It's being fixed. Kramer: When you getting it back? Jerry: Uh, next week. Kramer: Next week? How come it's takin' so long? Jerry: Huh? Kramer: I said how come it's takin' so long? Jerry: I don't know. They're, backed up. Kramer: Wait a minute, wait a minute, where did you take it? Jerry: Where'd I take it? Kramer: Yeah. Jerry: Where did I take it? Where Did I Take It? (stabbing a knife into a cutting board) Umm, to that place on, uh Columbus and 85th. Okay? Kramer: What? Jimmy Sherman? Jerry: Yeah. Kramer: Yeah, I know the guy. I take my stuff in there all the time. Yeah, I bet I can get your watch back by tomorrow morning. Jerry: No, Kramer, I don't want you to say anything to him. Kramer: No, I'd be happy to. He's a friend of mine. Jerry: I'd like to follow the regular procedures. I don't want any special treatment. Kramer: Hey, I'm going to get that watch back for you by tomorrow, buddy. You see. Morty: Bring me the receipt. Kramer: I get that too. (exits) Jerry: Be right back. (follows Kramer out) Jerry: There's no watch ... I threw it in the garbage can on the street. It didn't keep good time. My parents gave it to me, but I didn't like it. So don't mention it again, okay! Kramer: Y-Yeah, all right. Jerry: All right. Kramer: Wait, wait, . . .y-yea, w-no dit dit g- (Kramer noises) Helen: What was that about? Kramer: Oh, no, uh, he's got my Calamine lotion and uh, I told him not to return it. If he needs it he should keep it. He's got uh, he's got a thing on his ankle. Helen: How can anyone not like him. Morty: Hi, Morty Seinfeld. I have a two o'clock appointment. Receptionist: Yes, Mr. Seinfeld. Would you please fill this out. Morty: All this? This whole thing? It's going to take me forty-five minutes. Receptionist: I know. It's very long. Morty: Look at this. It's a book. Employer's address. Whydo they need this? You know I never had a back problem until that night I slept on the convertible sofa. (hu hu) My back was fine. Helen: Well, it's not the sofa. Morty: You stick up for that sofa like I'm criticizing a person. Helen: We got it from Sullivan's. It's a good store. Morty: Well one day somebody's going to sleep on that thing and we'll get sued. I hope this doctor knows what he's doing. Helen: Leo says he's the best there is. Morty: Leo, I'm listening to Leo now! Helen: Well you're lucky he was able to get you this appointment. You know what the waiting list is for this guy? Morty: Well, if he fixes my back I'll be happy. . . . (back to the form) Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease? That's IT! . . . Here, you got my name, you got my address. That's enough. Receptionist: Julie, you want to take him back? Jerry: You what? You passed? How could you do that? George: ahhhhh (exhaling) Jerry, my young friend, you're so nave. You are so, so nave. You know about a few things. You know about comedy, a little bit about relationships, some baseball, but you are so far out of your element here, you are embarrassing yourself. Now listen to me. I'm negotiating. Negotiation, this is what'cha do in business. Jerry: Let me explain to you what you just did. There are literally hundreds of people trying to get pilot deals with them this year. They go with maybe, five. Okay, if we pass, that's it. They go to the next show. George: Ooooo, I'm scared. . . . Ohoooo they're not going to do the show. Jerry: We're lucky they're even interested in the idea in the first place. We got a show about nothing. With no story. What do you think, they're up there going, hey maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no idea, more money!? George: Ohooo what are we going to do? I'm shaking! I'm shaking! Jerry: Well, I think you're wrong. George: Well, we'll just see. Jerry: Yes we will. George: Yes we will. Jerry: I just said that. George: I know you did. Jerry: So good for you. George: So good for you. Jerry: What are you repeating everything I'm saying? George: What are you repeating everything I'm saying? Jerry: Well George is an idiot. George: Well George . . . . Morty: All right, all right, Let's go already. They keep you in here a year. They don't give a damn. I could die in here. . . .(open the door and shouts into the hallway) Excuse me! Excuse me! What's going on? I'm here twenty minutes. Could somebody please help me. Helen: (enters) Shhh. Quiet! Everyone can hear you. Morty: Twenty minutes. I've been waiting twenty minutes. Helen: Well the doctor must be busy. Morty: Well then what do they make appointments for if they can't keep them. Huh, hha. Look if I did that in my business I wouldn't have made a nickel. Nurse: Hello, Mr. Seinfeld. Morty: I thought you forgot about me. Nurse: We didn't forget. Morty: HaAhhh! The Velcro. I can't stand Velcro. It's that t-e-a-r-I-n-g sound. I used to be in raincoats. I refused to put that in any of my lines. Nurse: Okay, Mr. Seinfeld, please come this way. We need some X-rays. Morty: Leave all my stuff here? Nurse: Leave it. George: Oh hey, by the way. Do you want a box 'a, Cuban cigars? I smoked one last night. I got nauseous. Jerry: No I don't want ?em. Kramer: I'll take it. No, I'll take it. What is it? George: Here you go. Kramer: Cigars? (hits the box) George: Yeah, Cubans. Kramer: Oh, yeah? George: Yeah, the kind that Castro smoked. You can't buy ?em anywhere. Kramer: Castro eh? Pasto costillo homiga (nonsense Spanish) Jerry: Yeah? Voice: Federal Express. Jerry: Federal Express? Come on up. . . . Federal Express. I'm not expecting a package. Kramer: Wooo, you know what you just did? You let a burglar in the building. Jerry: You think so? Kramer: Federal Express? Of course. That's the oldest trick in the book. You know it might not be a burglar it could be a murderer. Jerry: So you want to just abolish all home package deliveries. Kramer: Yes. It's dangerous. Kramer: wait det doit ... dit (Kramer noises - he prepares for a fight by rolling up a magazine) Jerry: Who is it? Voice: Federal Express. Kramer: Okay, ... gidg gi gt (backs up and bends his knees, holding the rolled magazine - arm back, ready for a rumble) All: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Kramer: I want one of those! Elaine: Hiiii Kramer Kramer: Oh yes Elaine: Kramer, Hi, I thought you went to California. Kramer: Well I came back for you. Elaine: Oh, shut up (pushes Kramer) Jerry: I missed you. Elaine: Really? You really missed me? Jerry: Yeah, . . . seriously. George: Yeah, yeah, me to miss - I miss. Jerry: Yeah, big missing goin' on (spreads arms wide) Elaine: Ahhhhhh haa ha ha Kramer: Hey, I'm going to be right back. I'm going to get a match. Elaine: Oh god, Who's suitcase is this? Jerry: Oh, it's my parents. My father came up to see a back specialist. Elaine: Oh, god, it's probably from sleeping on that sofa. George: Boy, you look really great. Jerry: Yeah. Elaine: You lie. George: No, no you really look great. Elaine: Hu hu, ha ha ha. Jerry: So tell us about the trip. How's Dr. Reston? Elaine: Oh, he's fine. Jerry: Things are good? Elaine: Yeah, you know (scratches cheek and sniffs) Jerry: Uh oh. Elaine: What, Uh oh? Jerry: Did you see that? George: Yeah, I saw it. Elaine: What? Jerry: It's a tell. You gotta tell. Elaine: What tell? What's a tell? Jerry: When you ask someone about their relationship and they touch their face, you know it's not going too well. Go ahead ask me how it's going with somebody. Elaine: Um, uh, who's it going with, uh, Alice? Jerry: Good, going good (scratches chin) And the higher up on the face you go the worse the relationship is getting. You know it is like - pretty good - not bad - I gotta get out. (scratches chin, nose then covers eyes with hands) Elaine: How high did I go? George: You almost did the nose. Jerry: What are you eating my peanut butter out of the jar with your disgusting index fingers? This is a sickening display. (takes the peanut butter jar away from George) George: What? I'm not eating bread now. I'm off bread. Jerry: (To George) You're off bread. (To Elaine) So what happened is it over? Elaine: No not quite. Jerry: Why not? Elaine: Well he was my psychiatrist, you know. I mean, he knows all my patterns. He knows In relationships that I always try to find some reason to leave, and so, he says as my doctor, he can't allow me to do this, so he's not letting me leave. George: What do you mean - "Not letting you?" Elaine: He has this power over me, okay. I mean he has this way of manipulating every little word that I say. He's like a Svenjolly. Jerry: Svengali. Elaine: What did I say? Jerry: Svenjolly. Elaine: Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly. Jerry: George? George: Svenjolly. (licking a little bit of peanut butter from his finger) Elaine: I don't see how I could have said Svenjolly. Jerry: Well maybe he's got like a, cheerful mental hold on you. Kramer: You know I can't find a match anywhere. George: You know what you should do? You should tell this guy you're seeing somebody else. That's the easiest way to get out of these things. Elaine: No, it's not going to work with this guy. George: No, you just tell him ah, an old boyfriend has come back into your life. Elaine: I don't think so. Jerry: Nice try. George: Took a shot. Kramer: This is a good cigar (hair is on fire, white smoke pouring from the back of his head) . . . . . . WOOOOOOOOOOW . . . (runs to bathroom, his arms in the air - he bangs them in to the top of the hallway door jam and falls into the bathroom) Morty: So, when do I get to see the doctor? Nurse: He'll be in with the X-Rays in a few minutes. You can get dressed. (leaves) Morty: (checking pants) They stole my wallet. The bum stole my wallet. (opens door, shouts into the hallway) MY WALLET'S GONE! MY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It's gone. Nurse: Are you sure? Morty: Yes, I'm sure. I went in to get my X-Ray, Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the operation here? Dr. Dembrow: Mr. Seinfeld, I'm Dr. Dembrow, I've been going over your X-rays. Morty: I'm not interested in the X-Rays. I want my money back. Somebody stole my wallet. I had $225 in there. Dr. Dembrow: Well, I don't see how something like that could have happened. Morty: Oh, you don't see. You don't see. Well it happened. Believe me. Helen: (enters) What's going on? Morty: They stole my wallet. Helen: What? Morty: Yeah, while I was in getting X-Rayed. Dr. Dembrow: All right, Mr. Seinfeld, I am sorry about your wallet but would you like me to look over these X-Rays? Morty: What kind of clip joint are ya running here? Dr. Dembrow: All right, fine. (leaves) Helen: The least you could have done was heard your diagnosis. Morty: I am not interested in his diagnosis. He's a bum. Helen: You came all the way from Florida to see him. Morty: I want to know what kind of an office this is where you can't leave your pants in the room. You tell me. Elaine: I'm sorry but there's somebody else. Dr. Reston: Umm hm. Elaine: Well it's, nothing I planned on happening, you know. It just, kind of happened. Dr. Reston: Tell me about him. Elaine: Well, there's not really much to tell, you know, he's just a guy, Really. Dr. Reston: Yes, well I assumed he's a guy. Elaine: Right... Dr. Reston: And you've known him how long? Elaine: . . . Years. Many years (her voice cracks), um, (clears throat) we've been close friends and then recently something just you know *ehghh* happened. Dr. Reston: You mean sexually? Elaine: Yeah, yeah. Sexu-ally. Elaine: I think your um ... (points at the phone) Dr. Reston: Excuse me. Yes, Oh yes, Bobo. Uh, no it's just east of Madison. Around 400 will be fine. All right Bobo ... see you then. (hangs up) . . . I'm sorry where were we? Elaine: Well, I was just um, telling you about this, other guy. Dr. Reston: Mm. Elaine ... Elaine: Yeah Dr. Reston: Do you remember your dream, where you have a sexual encounter with a Chinese woman? Elaine: Yeah. Yeah, (cough, cough) Mm-hm. Dr. Reston: Elaine, I'm concerned about you. Elaine: Oh, no no no no, don't concern yourself with me, because I'm - I'm good. I'm - I'm very good, I mean I'm really very, very good. Dr. Reston: Elaine. Have you been urinating a lot again? Elaine: . . . no. Dr. Reston: And how often have you been seeing, um . . .? I'm sorry what is his name? Elaine: H-his name? Dr. Reston: Yes, his name. Elaine: Um, well what's the difference? Dr. Reston: Are you afraid to tell me his name? Elaine: No, no, I just - I just don't see how that's relevant. Dr. Reston: It doesn't matter if you don't see how. I see how. Elaine: Uh, his name, um, I don't - I don't even know, all right you want to know his name? I'll - I'll tell you his name. His name is . . . Kramer. Dr. Reston: Kramer. Is that his first name or his last name? Elaine: Oh, I'm - I'm really uncomfortable talking about this. Dr. Reston: Elaine, I want you to do me a favor. Elaine: What? Dr. Reston: I want you to tell this young man to give me a call. It's very important that I speak to him. Elaine: Oh, oh no, no no no, I can't do that. Dr. Reston: You can do it and you will do it. Elaine: No, I can't. Dr. Reston: You can and you will. Elaine: Okay, okay. Yeah I'll have Kramer give you a call. Jerry: So you didn't even let the doctor treat you? Morty: I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. Helen: Why did you leave your wallet in your pants? Morty: What are you talking about? What was I supposed to hide it somewhere? Helen: You could've taken it with you. Morty: Oh, yeah, I'll be lying on an X-Ray table with my wallet in my mouth. Leo: Hello... Jerry: Hi Uncle Leo. Leo: I just talked to Dr. Dembrow's son. He said they almost had to call the police. Morty: What are you talking about? I'm the one who should have called the police. They stole my wallet. Leo: You know how hard it was for me to get that appointment for you? You can't just walk in on this guy. He did me a personal favor. Morty: All right, Leo. Leo: And you walked out without paying. Morty: How was I supposed to pay? I didn't have my wallet. Leo: Well, I hope you send him a check. Morty: What for? Leo: What for? This man was nice enough to see you. He did me a personal favor. Morty: That's the second time you said "personal favor". Why do you keep saying that? Leo: I said it once. Morty: Twice! And Dembrow doesn't even know you. His son happens to live on your floor. Helen: Leo, where did you get that watch? Leo: You know where I got this? (flashback) I found it in the garbage can. It kept terrible time. I brought it over to Jimmy Sherman right here on 85th and Columbus. Gave it to me back the next day. Works great. What kind of idiot throws a way a perfectly good watch? Helen: Morty, doesn't that watch look like the one that we gave Jerry. Jerry: Hey, where's the waiter. Dad, what say we have some red meat tonight. Let's live a little. . Helen: Let me see that. Jerry: Could we continue this another time.

(The Episode Opens With A Series Of Clips From 'The Pitch', 'The Ticket' And 'Thewallet', Illustrating The Story So Far. A Rough Precis Would Be: George turns down the offer from NBC for the show, telling Jerry he's negotiating. Susan gives George a box of Cuban cigars from her father, which hepasses to Kramer, who sets fire to his hair while lighting one. Jerry's parents come to town, so's Morty can see a back specialist - he slept on the fold-out. Kramer tells Jerry's parents that Crazy Joe Davola is after Jerry. Jerry throws away a watch his parents gave him, because it doesn't keep time. Uncle Leo fetches it out of the garbage. Jerry tells his parents his watch is at the jeweller for repair. At the doctor's, Morty reveals his hatred of velcro and his wallet disappears. Elaine returns from Europe, eager to rid herself of the 'Svenjolly' Dr Reston. George tells her to inform the doctor she's seeing someone else. Elaine opts to say she's seeing Kramer, and Dr Reston wants to meet him.) Jerry: It's an entire industry of bad gifts, aren't they? All those executive gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put a piece of green felt on the bottom. "It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organiser, dad." But to me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's no better way than a paperweight, to express to someone that, "I refuse to put any thought into this at all." Where are these people working that the papers are just blowing right off of their desks? What, are their desks screwed to the back of a flat-bed truck going down the highway or something? What, are they typing up in the crow's nest of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight for? Morty: (to Leo) I don't understand this jeweller, Jimmy Sherman. (indicates Jerry) He brings in a watch, it takes over a week to fix. He fixed yours in one day. Jerry: Oh, you know these jewellers, they're enigmas. They're mysteries, wrapped in a riddle. Helen: (indicating to Jerry) She's very attractive. Jerry: She's okay. Helen: Just okay? Jerry: She's nice. Helen: She's better than nice. Jerry: She's all right. Helen: She's beautiful. Jerry: She's not beautiful. Helen: I think she's beautiful. Jerry: So you ask her out. Helen: I'm not gonna ask her out. Jerry: Why not? Helen: If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you. Jerry: She's pretty. She's not beautiful. Helen: I should drop dead if she's not beautiful. Jerry: I think that's a little extreme. Leo: (grudgingly) She's awright. Morty: (oblivious to the above) Two exact same watches. He tells you a week, and him a day. How could that be? Something's fishy about this. George: He said what? Susan: "The hell with them." George: "The hell with them?" Susan: Those were his exact words. George: (worried) Oh boy. Susan: He said, "We've got five hundred shows to choose from. Why should we give two guys, who have no idea, and no experience, more money?" George: (still worried) He was pretty emphatic? Susan: Pounded on his desk. George: Pounded? Susan: (tossing her purse on the dash) I told you to take the offer. George: (getting animated) Look I, I uh, I had nothing to do with this. It wasn't my decision. It was Jerry! Jerry told me no. I'm the creative guy. He handles the business end. Susan: You said it was insulting. George: I was quoting him. Why would I be insulted? I'm never insulted. You could call me baldy, dump soup on my head. Nothing insults me. Susan: Well, there's nothing I can do. George: Well, don't they make a counter offer? How can they just cancel the whole deal like that? What kind of a maniac is this guy? I mean he just, he says no, and that's it? Susan: Yeah, that's the way Russell is. He doesn't like to play games. George: Well, he has to play! He can't just not play. We're playing! Look, I gotta see him, how do I get in touch with him? Susan: You'll have to wait til Monday. George: Mon...? No, no, I can't wait til Monday, that's impossible, I gotta talk to him now. Where does he live? Susan: (laugh) I can't give you his address. Susan: Give it back! George: Gimme the purse! Elaine: Okay, so he just wants to talk to you. I couldn't talk him out of it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay. Can you do that? Kramer: Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend. Elaine: Okay. Kramer: Have we been intimate? Elaine: Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate. Kramer: Alright, how often do we do it? Elaine: Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that? Kramer: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that. Elaine: Alright, alright. We do it, uh... (thinks) five times a week, okay? Kramer: (suggestive) Oooh, baby. (smiles) Elaine: Oh, man. Alright, listen. Just tell me something, what are you gonna say? Kramer: I know what I'm gonna say. Elaine: No, no, but I would like to hear it. Kramer: No, no. I don't wanna say it out loud. Kills the spontaneity. You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed. (indicates phone) 'Kay, go 'head, do it. Elaine: (dialling) Alright, okay. You talk to him. Kramer: (playing with his hair) Talk to him. Elaine: Hey, how's your hair? Kramer: Oh, well, yeah, it's good. Elaine: (handing over the phone) You're not the type that should be playing with matches, seriously Kramer. Kramer: (listens) Uh, yes. Uh uh, Doctor uh, Reston, is he in? Well, this is Kramer and uh, he's expecting my call. Elaine: (mouths silently) Okay. Kramer: (singing) ...Johnny ...was a rebel. He rode through the land... Kramer: ...Yu uh, yes, yes uh, uh, Doctor Reston. Uhm well, hello there. Ahh yeah, well, I'm a good friend of Elaine's... Elaine: (animated, but quietly) No, no. Not friends. Kramer: ...Well, actually uh, we're uh, we're not friends Uh, we're uh, we're much more than friends... Kramer: ...and uh, I'm afraid we have a bit of a problem. Well, the point is, doctor uh, I'm very much in love with Elaine... Kramer: ...and uh, she's very much in love with me, and uh, well uh, we would uh, appreciate it if you would cease and desist, and allow us to pursue our courtship unfettered. Elaine: (mouths silently) That's perfect! Kramer: If not, I can assure you, doctor, that I can make things very unpleasant for you and your staff. If you have one. Kramer: Yes. Yeah, but the point that I... (listens) Kramer: ...Ah, ye... (listens) Well, no... Uh, yeah, that's possible... Kramer: (listens) ...Well, I suppose I could, (turns away from Elaine) but I'd have to shift a few things around, uhm... Hold on for a second, will you? Uh... Kramer: ... Uh, go ahead, yeah. (listens and makes a note) Alright uh... Yeah, yeah, okay... I look forward to it too. (listens) Eh, hah, okay. So long. Elaine: What happened? What'd he say? (indicates pad) What's going on here? Kramer: Uh, okay now. He uh, you know, he uh, wants to get together. Elaine: (horrified) Get together!! Kramer: He wants to talk. Elaine: Well, why didn't you say no!! Kramer: (momentary confusion) Wha...? Uh... (thoughtful) That's interesting. Elaine: (frustration) Ugh! Naomi: Did you enjoy your poisson? Helen: It was... different. Naomi: (to Jerry) And how was yours? Jerry: Ah, very good. Naomi: You should try our mousse. (a little flirtatious) It'll change your life expectancy. Jerry: No thanks, just the check. Helen: What's the matter with you? Jerry: What? Helen: Why didn't you flirt with her? Jerry: Come on. Helen: She was flirting with you. Why didn't you say something? Jerry: What am I gonna say? Helen: You just sat there. Jerry: Well, you made me uncomfortable. Helen: You're a comedian, couldn't you come up with something? Leo: (to Morty) Where's the bathroom? Jerry: In the back, on your right. Jerry: Dad! Morty: Will you stop it Jerry. Let go. Helen: Jerry. Jerry: Will you let me pay just once. Morty: You're out of your mind. Jerry: How you gonna pay? You don't even have a wallet! Morty: Don't worry about it. Jerry: What're you gonna do? Morty: What's the difference, we'll figure something out. Helen: (to Jerry) You're not paying. Jerry: Alright, fine. You figure something out. I'd be very curious to know how you pick up a check with no money. 'Cause if this works, the whole monetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum. (standing) I'm going to the bathroom. Morty: How the hell am I gonna pay for this? Leo: They give you some portion here, huh? Jerry: Uh, yeah. (broaching a subject) Hey uncle Leo, I hope I wasn't uh, rude to you that day I bumped into you on the street. Uh, I really did have to get to a meeting. Leo: (preening himself in the mirror) Aw, no, no, I understand. I got plenty of friends in showbusiness. I know you're all very busy. Jerry: So you found that watch in the garbage can, huh? Leo: Yeah. In fact it was right after I ran into you. Jerry: Oh, heh. You know, a friend of mine has a watch just like that. I'd love to replace it for him as a gift. Leo: Well, I haven't seen too many like (indicating watch) these. Jerry: Yeah, I know. Maybe uh, you wanna sell me that one. Leo: (sarcastic) Aww, sure. (laughter) Jerry: (pulling Leo back in) Hang on a second. I got a little proposition for you. Doorman: (into phone) There's a George Bonanza to see you. George: Costanza. Costanza. Doorman: (into phone) George Costanza. George: The guy who pitched him the show with the stories about nothing. (snaps fingers) Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld's friend. Doorman: (into phone) Seinfeld friend. (he listens) (to George) He says, call him Monday. George: (into phone, frantic) Mister Dalrimple! Mister Dalrimple I have to talk to you! Doorman: Excuse me. George: It's about the show. It... No, it was... Doorman: Excuse me. George: ...It was all a terrible misunderstanding, sir. Just five minutes. Just five minutes of your time. (listens) Thank you! Thank you, Mister Dalrimple. Doorman: (into phone) Very good, sir. Morty: You don't understand. I can't allow my son to pay for me. Look, as soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you I'll mail you a check. Maitre D': Why don't you just let him pay, and then you can pay him back? Morty: No, no, he won't let me do that. Maitre D': Why don't you just put the money in his pants pocket, unsuspectingly? Morty: He could wash them. Maitre D': Monsieur, we are running a reputable business. Morty: Don't tell me about business! I sold raincoats for thirty-five years! Maitre D': Aha, but you did not give them away, did you? Morty: You don't understand my... Maitre D': Ah, monsieur, I cannot get involved with you and your family, ah. Elaine: Now look, don't take too long. Kramer: (looking around) Look at this building. What is this? Elaine: I don't know. It's a building. Kramer: (indicating) The door's on a diagonal. Elaine: So what? Kramer: (looking around) It's architecturally incorrect. Elaine: (frustrated) Just go. George: (sidling in) Is this a bad time? I hope I'm not disturbing anything. Russell: We were about to sit down to dinner. Russell: (indicating) This is Cynthia. George: (entering the apartment more fully) Oh. Oh, hi, hi. Hi. Nice to meet you. (peering at the table) What're you having, veal? Russell: No. George: Looks like veal. Russell: It's not veal. George: Well, it's a good looking piece of meat. (laughs nervously) Wow, this is some place. A duplex, huh? (indicating) Look at this, you got stairs in an apartment. All my life, I dreamed about having steps in an apartment. Even one step. Sunken living room. Although, one step is really not all that sunken. (tries hard to elicit a laugh) Russell: Who gave you my address? George: No, that's a fair question. It is, uhm... (nervous chuckle) Jerry, yeah. (to Cynthia) Jerry's a friend of mine. (to Russell) He uh, he gave it to me. Unbelievable how many addresses of people this guy has. George: He's got Marlon Brando's. I could go to Marlon Brando's house if I really wanted. George: Course, I wouldn't, I mean uh, the guy is uh, well obviously (to Cynthia, as she passes) the guy has his problems. Russell: So, what's the surprise? You wanna talk about the show? George: Well, you know, it's really very funny, because you know what we got here, really? We really, really, just have a terrible misunderstanding. You see, when I passed on the deal, I thought that's what Jerry wanted me to say. Y'know, I, I misinterpreted. Cynthia: (bored) Russell, where's the TV Guide. George: Oh, what time is it? Eight thirty? I'll tell you what's on. You got Major Dad, Blossom, very funny programme... Russell: Blossom's on Monday. George: Are you sure? Oh, look who I'm talking to. The president of NBC. (forced laughter) Russell: Look Mister Costanza, it's too late now anyway. I already made a deal with another writing team. George: (worried) Alright, alright. Look, we're people, you and me, huh? Businessmen. Colleagues, if I may. Let's not quibble. We'll do it for the thirteen thousand. Thirteen thousand, and I never came up here, we never talked, alright. You take good care. (moving past Russell toward the door) It was nice seeing you again, and nice meeting you. (to Cynthia) Cynthia, right? Russell: Alright, now look. These deals are already made. George: Awright, lemme just say this. Ten thousand dollars, alright, and now I'm going below what you wanted to pay. You have your dinner, have your veal, or whatever it is. Enjoy... Russell: Mister Costanza. George: Alright, that's it. Alright, good, eight thousand dollars. (to Cynthia) Cynthia, again, nice meeting you. Have I commented on the shoes? I love suede, it's so thick and rich. Did you ever, you ever rub it against the grain? Alright, anyway... Cynthia: (bored, frustrated) Russell, can we eat? Russell: (to George) Alright. Eight thousand. George: (pleased) You've made Jerry very happy. George: May I just use your bathroom for a moment? Jerry: Alright, two hundred, but that's as high as I can go. I really think you're being unreasonable here! Leo: Jerry, I'd give you the watch. It's not the money, I happen to like it. Jerry: Look, I happen to know how much that watch cost. It's a sixty dollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred dollars. I'm offering you two hundred! Leo: (indicating) I've never seen a band like this. Jerry: Aww, right. Three hundred, plus fifty for the repair. Three fifty, that's it! Leo: You have it on you? Jerry: Yeah, I think I do. Jerry: (under his breath) This is unbelievable. Morty: What the hell is going on here? Kramer: Well, it uh, (offering his hand) it's a pleasure to meet you. Reston: (shaking hands) Thank you for coming in. Kramer: Thank you. Reston: Please, sit down. Kramer: (quiet) Okay. Reston: Could I offer you something to drink. Uhm, coffee? Anything? Kramer: Okay uh, yeah. I'll have a uh, you have a decaf cappuccino? Reston: I don't think we have that. Kramer: Well, that's a little strange. Reston: Uh, why does that surprise you? Kramer: Well, it's uh, it's a very popular drink Reston: This is an office. Kramer: That's true. But, you know, I can't help but think that uh... Reston: (interrupting) So tell me Mister Kramer... Kramer: ...Okay, yes, shoot. Reston: Tell me all about uh, you and Elaine. Kramer: Oh, alrighty uh... Kramer: Well, what we have here, doctor, is uhm, an extraordinary situation. Reston: Is it? Kramer: Oh, you better believe it. Davola: (singing) '...Travelling along...' Elaine/Davola: '...singing a song, side by side...' Elaine: Wow. You really have a terrible voice. Davola: Do I know you? Elaine: Uhh, I don't think so. Davola: 'Cos you really look familiar. Elaine: Oh, well maybe you've seen me. My face is on uhm, Mount Davola: Oh yes, of course, that's it. I guess I'm just used to seeing it on a much larger scale. Elaine: Oh yeah, right. I replaced uh, Teddy Roosevelt. Davola: Oh really. Elaine: Umm. Trustbuster. Bust this. Kramer: You know, I never thought of it like that before, doctor. (points) You, are absolutely right. Reston: I'm glad we agree. Kramer: (reaching in pocket) Hey, would you like a cigar? Y'know, they're Cubans. Reston: I'd love one. Kramer: Yeah. You know, I think Elaine is a wonderful woman. You two are gonna make a wonderful couple. Reston: If you ever feel, a need to talk to someone... Kramer: (lighting Dr Reston's cigar) Uh huh. Reston: ...About anything. You have my number. Kramer: (lighting his own cigar) Well, that's very kind of you. Kramer: Mmm, these are good, huh? Kramer: (quiet) Oh. Elaine: I cannot believe I'm doing this. I never meet people like this. You're not a nut, are you? Davola: No, I don't think so. Jerry: I can't believe I'm doing this. I never do stuff like this. Naomi: (joking) Really? I give out my number to just about every customer who comes in here. Jerry: Oh. (chuckles) Really? You don't seem that desperate. Naomi: (playing it straight) Oh yeah. Actually, I'm a little disappointed. I kind of had my eye on uncle Leo. Jerry: Uh huh. Well uh, I'll give you a call, and thanks for the fish. By the way, you know why fish are so thin? Naomi: Why? Jerry: They eat fish. Kramer: Hey. Elaine: What happened? What took you so long? Kramer: Hey, he's a terrific guy. Elaine: Wha...? What are you talking about? What'd he say? Kramer: Well, we talked about a lot of things. Elaine (O.C.): You talked about a lot of things? Well... Kramer (O.C.): Yeah. Elaine (O.C.): Did you talk about us? Davola (O.C.): I'm in love. I just met her outside in the street. Her Reston (O.C.): Did you say Elaine? Jerry: How come the psychiatrist, every, the hour is only fifty minutes? Wha, what do they do with that ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another headcase!" Morty: You shoulda told me it didn't work. Jerry: I know, I know. Helen: You didn't have to throw it out. Jerry: I was always late. It was frustrating me. I'm sorry, I really am. Helen: Oh, that must be Leo. Jerry: I woulda taken you to the airport. Helen: He has nothing to do. Jerry: Neither do I. (to intercom) Yeah? George (O.S.): It's George. Jerry: Come on up. (to parents) It's George. Morty: Oh, it's George. Helen: What ever happened with NBC and the deal? Jerry: Ah, George turned it down. Helen: He turned it down? Jerry: Yeah. Helen: Why did he do that? Jerry: Because of Ted Danson. Helen: What does Ted Danson have to do with it? Morty: Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson. Jerry: (fetching a drink from the fridge) Hey, who knows, maybe we'll wind up getting more money. George: (to Jerry) Hey. Morty: Hey, Georgie-boy, how are ya? George: Hey, Mr Seinfeld. (shakes Morty's hand) Hey, Mrs Seinfeld. How are you? Helen: What's the matter with you? George: What'd I do? Jerry: What about NBC? Did you hear anything? George: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did. George: We got a deal. Morty/Helen/Jerry: (simultaneous) Hey!/That's wonderful!/We got a deal! Jerry: Heyy! Terrific. Morty: You see, he had the right idea. Hold out. That's how you get the big money, huh George? (slaps George on the shoulder) George: Uh, please, Morty. Morty: No, no, no. He knows how to talk to these people. No-one's gonna take advantage of Georgie. (slaps George's shoulder again) George: I'm just happy to be working with your talented son... Jerry: Aww... George: ...Who's not doing this for the money. Jerry: ...C'mon. George: You have no idea how refreshing that is. Jerry: So what'd we get? George: (big smile) Eight thousand dollars. Jerry: Beautiful! George: (quietly) That's uh, for the two of us. Helen: Four thousand apiece? Jerry: Lemme see if I understand this. In other words, you held out George: I was wrong, you were right. Jerry: You know, the basic idea of negotiation, as I understand it, is to get your price to go... up. George: You're smart, I'm dumb. Jerry: You know, this is how they negotiate in the bizarro world. Helen: That's gotta be Leo. Jerry: (to intercom) Yeah? Leo (O.C.): Leo. Jerry: Alright, we're coming down. Morty: Alright, let's get going. Jerry: Dad, before we go, I got a little something for you. Jerry: A present. Morty: A present? Morty: Hey! Look at this, a wallet. Exactly what I needed, y'see. Jerry: C'mon, you lost your wallet, I figured I'd get you another one. Helen: I hope you didn't spend too much on that. Morty: I wanna tell you. This is one of the most thoughtful gifts anyone's ever given me. Helen: He's something, you son, isn't he? Jerry: Ah hah, alright, let's go. Morty: You're a terrific kid. Jerry: Okay. George: Yeah, he's something, isn't he? Helen: How could anybody not like you? George: (to Jerry) You're very special. Jerry: (pointedly) Yeah, I'm good for about four thousand dollars. Leo: Hey, let's go! It's twelve (checks watch) uh, twelve twenty-two. Morty: Alright, Leo. Jerry: Hey, uncle Leo. Leo: Hi, hi... Jerry: How you doing? Jerry: This is some beautiful parking spot you got here. Leo: Yeah, I hate to give it up. Jerry: Yeah. Hey, dad, you sure you don't need any more money? Morty: Jerry! Jerry: Alright, I'm just joking. Listen, have a nice trip. Helen: (hugging Jerry) Bye bye, Jerry. George: Bye Mrs Seinfeld, take care. Morty: Bye bye. (hugging Jerry) Thanks again for the wallet. George: (shaking hands with Morty) Morty, always a pleasure. Jerry: Take care now. So long. George: Yeah, like he was really gonna take your money. Jerry: Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars in the new wallet. George: You're kidding. Jerry: He lost all that cash. It was the only way I could give it back to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it. George: Man, would I like to see the look on his face. Morty: You believe this? Helen: What? Morty: (indicates the new wallet) It's velcro. Helen: You're kidding. Morty: Who needs this? Morty: Leo, let's go. Jerry: ...main difference between the women's wallet and the man's wallet, is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since the beginning of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean? It's, "Here's my cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now." "This is my dog. He died during the Johnson administration." You know. You get stopped by a cop, no licence, no registration, (waves imaginary wallet) "Here's fifty-six people that know me." Cop goes. "Alright, ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check."

Jerry: Have you ever called someone up, and you're disappointed when they answer the phone? You wanted the machine. You know, and you're always kind of thrown off, (left hand up to side of face, pretending its a receiver) you go "Oh, I eh, I - I didn't know you were there, I ah - just wanted to leave a message saying, sorry I missed you." Jerry: Well this is it. Naomi: Oh, this is nice. Thanks again for the Chinese food. Jerry: Oh, you're welcome. You know I think I ate too much of that garlic. Naomi: Yeah, me too. Jerry: No, I ate the whole plate. I didn't know those little things were garlic. I thought they were peanuts. Naomi: (laughs) - Nnnhhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (obnoxious laugh). Oh, you know what? I think Naked Gun is on. Oh I've seen it. I laughed through that whole thing. You wanna watch? Jerry: No, I mean, I don't think so. Naomi: I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you were happy go lucky. Jerry: No, no, no. I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything I'm sad stop unlucky. Naomi: Ahahahahahahahahaha. Jerry: That's not funny Naomi. Naomi: Ah hahahaha. (points at Jerry) Jerry: I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV guide. I think uh, Holocaust is on. George: (on the answering machine) Jerry, it's George. Hey, hey are you all set for the weekend. This is going to be great. You're going to have a great time with Naomi. George: (con't) All right, you know she's got that laugh. What did you say? It's like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer? George: (con't) A-Anyway, I was thinking we would take two cars up to the cabin and that way if one of wanted to stay you know... Jerry: This thing has never worked right. (holding the machine in his hand) Naomi: You think I, laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer? Jerry: Well, first of all Elmer Fudd is one of the most beloved internationally known cartoon characters of all time. "I'm going to kill that cwazy wabbit ... hahahahahaaa " Come on. Not only that, a juicer is one of the healthiest ways ... (Naomi exits) it makes the juice ... it extracts the-the pulp and-and-and the vitamins, for-for long life and-and-and vitality. Jerry: How could you leave a message like that on my machine.? George: Well how could you just play your message in front of anybody? Jerry: Because I didn't think anyone would leave it! George: Well, I didn't think anyone would play it. Jerry: Well, now she's not going away for this weekend. George: What do you mean not goin'? Come on, we got plans here. Call her up. Jerry: Nah, it's better anyway. I mean really. What was going to happen? I'm a comedian. How can I go out with a girl with a laugh like that? I mean izz-it's like ah, it's like Coco Chanel goin' out with a fish monger. You know, cause she's with all the perfumes and a fish monger's pretty bad smell. George: Wh-Well maybe you should ask Elaine. Jerry: Yeah but if I ask Elaine, then Kramer will feel slighted. George: Oh no no no no, don't say anything to Kramer. Susan can't stand him. He vomited all over her. Jerry: Yeah, .. wait a minute do you smell smoke? Kramer: Hmm. Jerry: Ah, Kramer. Kramer: Hello boys, (in an Irish accent) top of the morning to ya. What do you say? Jerry: Will you put that thing out before you start another fire. You had to give him a box of cigars. Kramer: So, what are you guys doin' this weekend? Jerry And George: uh uh, we're uh .. Kramer: Because I'm going to be playing golf at the Westchester country club. Mmh. Jerry: Westchester? Isn't that a private club? Kramer: Oh, that's right buddy. It's private. It's very private. But I met the pro at the golf shop up on 49th St. - I gave him one of these Cubans and he invites me up to play a free round ... then he says anytime I lay one of these babies on him it's going to be the same deal. Ha ha. Idn't that beautiful. Jerry: and GEORGE Ye, hu, um Ye, Kramer: Man, I'm going to be hitting the links all weekend. Ffoooo (Taking an imaginary swing, he makes the sound of a golf ball being hit) George: Gee, that's-that's too bad. Jerry: Yeah, too bad. Kramer: Why? What wa? George: Well, cause we were just saying we were going to ask you to come up to the country with us this weekend. Susan's father has a cabin up there. But, eh, all right, well. Kramer: Well, what, they got any golf courses up there? Jerry And George: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. George: No, no that's ah, that's pie country. Jerry: Yeah George: Yeah, they eh, they do a lot of baking up there. Kramer: Uh huh. Jerry: They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry, Blackberry ... George: Blackberry, Boysenberry ... Jerry: Boysenberry, Huckleberry ... George: Huckleberry, Raspberry... Jerry: Raspberry, Strawberry ... George: Strawberry, Cranberry ... Jerry: Peach. Elaine: I don't know. Jerry: Come on. I don't want to tag along with George and Susan. If you're there it'll be a better group. Elaine: What's that? Jerry: Ah, it's an autographed picture for my dry cleaner. I never know what to write on these things. I hate doin' this. Elaine: "I'm very imPRESSED"? ... Ah you mean pressed caus' its like a dry cleaner? Jerry: Yeah, see that's why I hate it. So, come on, you going to go? Elaine: Well what about the sleeping arrangements? In the Cabin! Jerry: Well, um same bed ... Elaine: uh huh (very quietly) Jerry: .. and uh, underwear and a tee shirt. Elaine: What about me? Jerry: Well you'd be naked of course. Elaine: Uh, that's, ... Mel: Excuse me, Jerry Seinfeld? Jerry: Yeah. Mel: My name's Sanger, Mel Sanger. Jerry: Hi. Mel: I drive that truck out there. Jerry: Oh, the Yoo Hoo? Mel: Yeah. Jerry: I love Yoo Hoo. Mel: Yes, it's a fine product. Anyway I saw you on the Tonight Show a couple weeks ago. I was watching the show with my son Donald. He's got this rare immune deficiency in his blood ... the damnedest thing. Doctors say he has to live in a plastic bubble. Can you imagine that? A bubble. Jerry: A bubble? Elaine: A bubble? Mel: Yes, a bubble! Mel: Do you mind? May I? Elaine: Oh, sure. Mel: Ah, It'd break your heart seein' him in there. It's like a prisoner. No friends - just his mother and me. And I'm out there six days a week haulin' Yoo Hoo. We have sacrificed everything. All for the sake of our little ... bubble boy. Mel: (in tears) Excuse me, I ah ... Elaine: Oh right here (giving out paper napkins to Mel and Jerry and herself) Mel: Excuse me, anyway we were watching ya on TV. Jerry: You get in the bubble with him? Mel: No. He can see through the bubble. It's plastic. Jerry: Oh, I thought it was like an igloo. Mel: No, it's clear. Jerry: Ah ha. Elaine: Who has the remote? (wipes a tear from her eye) Mel: He does. Elaine: The remote goes through the bubble? Mel: Yeah, he's in the bubble with the remote. Jerry: So you have no control over the remote? Mel: No, it's frustrating. Jerry: Mmm Elaine: Yeah, of course, yeah. (blows her nose) Mel: So anyway, you're his favorite comedian. He laughed so hard the other night we had to give him an extra shot of hemoglobin. Jerry: Awe... That's nice! Mel: Tomorrow is his birthday and it would mean so much to him if you could find it in your heart ta' pay him a visit and, just say hello. Jerry: Hu, well, tomorrow, I, ... Elaine: Jerry! Of course he'd pay him a visit. You'd be happy to. Jerry: Yeah, uh, Ok, uh, tomorrow uh, where da ya - where do you live, uh, up town? Upper west side? Mel: No, up state. Jerry: Up state! Hummm. Jerry: He's a bubble boy. George: A bubble boy? Jerry: Yes. A bubble boy. Susan: What's a bubble boy? Jerry: He lives in a bubble. George: Boy! Susan: Say, so what kind of a bubble? Like an igloo? Jerry: No, that's what I thought but apparently it's just a big piece of plastic dividing the room. Susan: Oh. George: What kind of plastic do you think it is? What do you think like that dry cleaning plastic? Jerry: That's no good. He wouldn't last ten minutes in there. Anyway what can I do, I promised I'd go visit him tomorrow. It's his birthday. I can't go to the cabin. Susan: Well, where does he live? Jerry: I don't know, up state, Falls, somethin' Susan: Wait a minute, This is right on the way to the cabin. George: Well all right, beautiful, so you stop in. Ya, ya visit the bubble boy for twenty minutes and then we can go. Jerry: You think we can do it? Susan: Oh I know exactly where this is. You can just follow us. Jerry: Oh, great. Ok we'll goin' away. I think I'm excited. George: (laughs) hu hu. Susan: I'm excited. Oh, you're going to love this cabin. My grandfather built it in 1947. It's it's incredible. Jerry: Ohh. George: All right there you go. It's a '47 cabin all right. So, we'll see you tomorrow. Jerry: OK. Kramer: Well, George: and JERRY Very nice, very nice, nice. Kramer: Well, I'm off to the links. George: and JERRY Yeah. Kramer: Listen, I want to thank you for the invite up state. I'm sorry I can't make it. George: (clears his throat) Susan: The what? George: Uh, nothing, lets get going. Come on. (laughs) hu hu. Susan: Did you ... (George grabs her hand) George: No, no, no we'll talk about it later. Susan: Is that one of the cigars my father gave you? (Susan is pulled from the apt. and Kramer looks out the door to watch them leave) Elaine: Hey, what's with George and Susan? Does he actually like her? Jerry: Ah, I don't know if he likes her as much as he likes it.? Elaine: Oh, that's nice! Jerry: What's he doing? What is his hurry? Elaine: Well you know George. It's not good enough to get there. You gotta make good time. Jerry: I know he once went from West 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes. Elaine: Hmhmhm (laughing quietly) Jerry: Look at him. Elaine: Hmhmhm (laughing quietly) George: Would you stop that please. Would you just stop that? Susan: Why? George: Knock it off, just sit in your seat over there you're distracting me. We're making incredible time here. I once went into Kennedy Airport from West 81st Street to in uh, in 15 minutes. hu uh. Oh, here hold this. It's uh, ten dollars for the tolls. Jerry: What's he doing? Is he out of his mind? Do you see him? I don't even think I see him anymore. Where is he? Elaine: Isn't that blue car him? Jerry: No, no that's not him. What happened to him? I can't believe it. I lost him. That stupid idiot. Now what are we going to do? Elaine: It's no big deal Jerry. We'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house. Jerry: I don't even know where the bubble boy lives. I - I don't even remember the name of the town. Elaine: Wa',you don't have the directions? Jerry: No, I was following him. Elaine: How could you not take the directions? Jerry: Because, HE'S my directions. Susan: I didn't see them George. Jerry: We make all these plans - this idiot goes a hundred miles an hour - the whole weekend's over - incredible - just like that - Elaine: Poor little bubble boy. He's sitting there waiting for you in his bubble, or igloo thing, whatever. Jerry: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM. Elaine: Here just get off at this exit. We'll figure somethin' out. Susan: We lost them. Do you KNOW THAT. WE LOST THEM! George: Well it's not my fault. Seinfeld can't drive. How hard is it to follow somebody? Susan: Well now what are you gonna do? George: It's fine, we'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house. Susan: Does he have the address? Jerry: (answering machine) Leave a message. I'll call you back. Thanks. Naomi: (on phone speaker) Hi, Jerry it's Naomi. Ah, listen, if its not too late I, changed my mind, I'd like to go to the cabin. Kramer: Wait, wai, ... ... Yeah. Hello!, Hi, Aw, this is Kramer. Yeah, I'm the next door neighbor. Aw, well you know, ah Jerry's left, uh, uh, But listen, ah, see ah, my golf game got canceled. Uh, I'm thinkin' of going up myself... They got pies and ah, I got the directions right here. Kramer: So then I drive all the way up to the country club and then I find out they got a tournament goin' on. Do you mind if I smoke? Naomi: No. Kramer: These are Cubans. (IN FAKE SPANISH) Maria, poquendo los scientos de estes con gleam. Naomi: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ... Ha haaaa George: I don't know of this is the house. I don't see Jerry's car anywhere. George: Would you stop it. (Susan playfully bites his ear lobe again) Would you quit it please. Someone is going to see us here. Susan: So what? You are SUCH a prude. George: Hey, I am not a prude sweetheart. I swing with the best of them. (snapping his fingers 5 times) Susan: Okay, Come on lets go in. George: What? Susan: Well we should at least tell them what happened. They might be very late if they make it at all. George: I can't go in there. I can't face the bubble boy. Susan: What's the matter? George: I-I just don't react well to these situations. My grandmother died two months early because of the way I reacted in the hospital. She was getting' better. And then I went to pay her a visit. She saw my face. BOOM. That was the end of it. Susan: Okay, we're goin' in. Come on. George: Susan, wait please... (grabs her) Please ... Susan: Come on George. George stop. George. George: Susan, Susan would you wai,... Jerry: (ranting) I can't believe how a little thing like George going too fast - and my whole weekend is gone - the plans, the packing, ... everything. Elaine: Your whole weekend? What about the bubble boy? Jerry: Why do you keep bringing up the bubble boy. You don't have to mention the bubble boy? I know about the bubble boy. I'm aware of the bubble boy. Why do you keep reminding me about the bubble boy? Jerry: I'll have a cup of coffee and a turkey club. Waitress: How ?bout you? Elaine: Um, I'll just have a glass of water. Jerry: (whispers) You can't just have water. Elaine: Why not? That's all I want. Jerry: Well this is not like a park bench where you just come in and sit down. It's a business. Waitress: Hold it a second. Don't ?chu play on TV? Jerry: Oh, no. Elaine: YES! yes. You saw him on TV. Waitress: What's your name? Elaine: Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry: Elaaaiinne... Waitress: Garry Seinfield! I saw you on the Tonight Show. Elaine: Right. Hey, wouldn't you like an autographed picture? Waitress: Oh, ha ha Jerry: Uh, I don't have anymore pictures Elaine. Elaine: He's lying. They're in the trunk (takes car keys) Now you get to sign another one. Jerry: I'm not lying. Elaine: Yeah, yeah he is. (as she leaves) Jerry: She'll have a cup of coffee and a broiled chicken. Mrs. Sanger: See it's not really a bubble. A lot of people think it's an igloo. But it's really just a plastic divider. George: Huh (quietly) George: and SUSAN (nod) George: Can you uh, go in the bubble? Mrs. Sanger: Well, you have to put so many things on because of the germs. Mel: The gloves, the mask, it's a whole production. George: So then he makes his own bed? Mrs. Sanger: Well, that's one of the things we fight about. Mel: Would you like to meet him? George: Uh, well, you know,... Mrs. Sanger: Oh, he loves games. Maybe you could play Trivial Pursuit with him. Donald: HEY MA WHAT THE HELL DO I GOT TO DO TO GET SOME FOOD AROUND HERE? I'M STARVIN'. AND IF IT'S PEANUT BUTTER, I'M GONNA SHOVE IT IN YOUR FACE. Mrs. Sanger: (embarrassed) Ha...ha ha ha ha, ha. Elaine: (laughing) hehehe - One picture left in the trunk. Jerry: Uh, THANKS! This is FUN! Yeah, this turned out to be a GREAT weekend. Elaine: Where's my water? Jerry: Oh, it's comin'. - Here ya' go. Waitress: Thanks. Elaine: Waddya' write? Waitress: "Nothing's finer than being in your diner." Elaine: Hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu "Ther - There is nothing finer than being in your diner."? Jerry: No good? Elaine: THIS is what you came up with? Jerry: Well. Elaine: That is so lame. Jerry, people are going to be reading that for the next twenty years and laughing at you. Jerry: Yeah, yeah, you're right. Excuse me, excuse me. Would you mind. I'd like to take the picture back. Waitress: Why Jerry: I, I'm not happy with what I wrote. Waitress: It's good. I like it. Jerry: No, believe me it's not good. I'll mail you a new one with something really funny written on it. Waitress: Well, when you mail me a new one I'll send you back this one. Jerry: No, look, you don't understand. I, I want the picture. Waitress: RIGHT! (leaves) Mrs. Sanger: This is Donald. George: Hi. (waves to Donald and laughs) hahahaha. Susan: Hello. Donald: WHO ARE YOU? Where's Seinfeld? Mrs. Sanger: He's on his way. These are his friends. Donald: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? NEVER SEEN A KID IN A BUBBLE BEFORE? George: Tsst...'Course I have. Come on. My cousin's in a bubble. My friend Jeffrey's uh, sister, also ... bubble ... you know. I got a lot of bubble experience. Come on. Donald: WHAT'S YOUR STORY? Susan: I-I-I have no story. George: She works for NBC. Donald: HOW 'BOUT TAKING YOUR TOP OFF? Mrs. Sanger: Donald, behave yourself. Donald: COME ON. Mrs. Sanger: I know. I know. Why don't you play a game of Trivial Pursuit? George: Ah, well, you know we gotta been running because of the ... Donald: Ooo. WHAT? ARE YOU AFRAID? George: A-hu no, uh, it's just that ... Donald: WELL I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS. Jerry: Look, I was nice enough to give you the picture. I don't like what I wrote. I don't want it up there. Now please just give it back to me. Waitress: You are really startin' to get under my skin. Jerry: I want that picture. Waitress: Well, you can't have it! In fact maybe you better just pay your check and get out. Jerry: I'm not paying for anything until I get that back. Waitress: Well, you ain't getting' it back. Jerry: Well, maybe I'll just take it back. Elaine: This chicken is really good. Donald: OK, HISTORY ... THIS IS FOR THE GAME. ... HOW YA DOIN' OVER THERE? ... NOT TOO GOOD! George: All right Bubble Boy. Let's just play... Who invaded Spain in the 8th century? Donald: THAT'S A JOKE. THE MOORS. George: Oh, Noooo, I'm so sorry. It's the MOOPS. The correct answer is, The MOOPS. Donald: MOOPS? LET ME SEE THAT. THAT'S NOT MOOPS YOU JERK, IT'S MOORS. IT'S A MISPRINT. George: I'm sorry the card says MOOPS. Donald: IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT'S MOORS. THERE'S NO, MOOPS. George: It's MOOPS. Donald: MOORS. George: MOOPS, Donald: MOORS! Kramer: Hey! Anybody home? Oh boy. Naomi: What should we do? Kramer: Ah, hold these (boxes of) pies. Kramer: Okay. George: Help, someone. (BUBBLE BOY is strangling George) Donald: THERE'S NO MOOPS. YOU IDIOT. Susan: Stop it. Let go of him! Mrs. Sanger: Donald, stop it! Now, let go of him Donald. Donald! Donald: I'M GOING TO KILL HIM. George: You're choking me. Mrs. Sanger: Donald, ... Donald... Donald: MOORS. SAY MOORS! George: MOOPS, MOOPS Mrs. Sanger: Donald, No. ... Donald, stop it .. Jerry: What are you doing? You're choking me. Elaine! Waitress: Are you going to pay for that? Jerry: No, I want the picture back. Man #1: Something's happened to the Bubble Boy. They're rushing him to the hospital. Waitress: What? (releases Jerry) Jerry: The Bubble Boy? He lives around here? Man #1: That's his house right down the road. Man #2: He got in a fight with some guy. Guy1: What kind of person would hurt the Bubble Boy? Man #2: Some little bald guy from the city. Man #1: Come on - Vern, Page, Preston, don't you think we ought to do somethin'? Kramer: Naomi, come on let's get goin'. Naomi: But that lake must be freezing. Kramer: Nah, it's good for ya'. Retards the aging process. Naomi: Ready to go swimming? Kramer: Let's go... OK. (he snaps the towel at Naomi's backside) GOTCHA. Naomi: AHAaaaaaha Kramer: HeYAWaaa George: JERRY! What happened to you? Jerry: What happened to you? You were going like a hundred miles an hour. George: Oh I was not. The BUBBLE BOY was tried to kill me. Elaine: What? George: Yeah, Susan tell him. Susan: It's a long story. George: Yeah. Donald: HEY SEINFELD! Jerry: Hey, Happy Birthday. Elaine: Hi. Donald: THANKS FOR SHOWING UP. YOU KNOW YOUR FRIEND HERE TRIED TO KILL ME. George: Oh, you lying little snot. And he's a cheater. Aren't ya' you little twerp? Donald: MOORS George: MOOPS Donald: MOORS George: MOOPS Donald: MOORS George: MOOPS Man #1: There's the guy who tried to kill the Bubble Boy. Get him! George: Go, go, get out, ... Jerry: Fire engines? George: What? Must be a big one. Elaine: Do you smell something? Jerry: Yeah, Susan: Smoke. George: Yeah, (cough) Definite smoke. Elaine: Arghhh, look it's a fire! (cough) Jerry: Holy cow! look at that! Susan: IT'S MY FATHER'S CABIN! Elaine: The CABIN is on fire! George: (Apprehensively) Um. I just realized. Ya' never gave me back the change from the tolls. Elaine: How could this have happened? Kramer: (singing) ... It's a big, wild, funky mountain man ... Naomi: Oh, my god, the cabin? Jerry: What are you two doin' here? Naomi: Look at that. Jerry: You didn't ... (makes motion like he's lighting a cigar) Kramer: My Cubans! (runs off to the burning cabin) ** Pies - Just In Case You Did Not Know What These Two Kinds Of Pies Are: Boysenberry: The edible fruit obtained by crossing the blackberry, raspberry, and loganberry. [ After Rudolph Boysen, 20th century U.S. horticulturist ] Huckleberry: The edible black or dark blue berry of any of various North American shrubs. 2. A shrub yielding this berry.

[Setting: Jerry's apartment] Jerry: She hasn't told her father yet? George: No. We're supposed to tell him tonight. Jerry: "We're"? What do you mean, "We're"? George: Susan wants me to be there. Jerry: You're meetin' the father for the first time? George: (Reluctantly) Yeah. Jerry: (Chuckles slightly) Well, you'll make quite an impression on him when you tell him how you burned his cabin down. George: I didn't burn it down - Kramer did! Jerry: (Laughs) I mean, the whole thing is ironic. Think of it Here the guy is nice enough to give you a box of very fine Cuban cigars.. George: Yeah, I know what happened. Jerry: No, but wait, wait And then you dump them off onto Kramer.. George: (Getting frustrated) I know. Jerry: (Continuing) ..Who, who proceeds to burn the man's cabin down with one of those very same cigars! (Topping off his observation) It's very comical.. George: Listen, maybe we shouldn't start writing today. I got a lot on my mind. Jerry: (Persisting) No, no, we put this off long enough. Today's the day. George: (Letting his conscious get the best of him) I wonder how Susan's father's going to react to this. Alright, what- what's the worst he could do? So you burn a cabin down.. Jerry: (Agreeing) C'mon. It's not even a house - it's, like, a cabin. George: We could build a cabin like (Snaps) that. Jerry: (Blunt) Well, maybe not us, but two men could. George: (Looking over the writing materials they just bought) Bics? What, d'ja get, bics? Jerry: What, you got a problem with the pen now? George: Well, I like a rolling writer. They're very smooth. Jerry: Alright, let's just get to work. (They both move into the living room - ready to start writing their script. Jerry sits down) NBC Pilot, Seinfeld project. Act I, Scene A. George: (Still standing) So, you're gonna sit there? Jerry: (Wanting to get started) Just - just park yourself. (George reluctantly sits on the sofa) Alright. Act I, Scene A. George: (Offering) Drink? Jerry: No, no thank you. George: (Uncapping his pen) Alright, here we go. Jerry: Act I, Scene A.. George: Weren't you supposed to call Elaine? Jerry: (Eagerly reaching for the phone) Yes. (George turns the TV on, and begins watching as Jerry dials the number) Hi, is Elaine there? Oh, uh, Hi, Sandra. Uh, yeah. I can hold. (To George) Every time I call I gotta chit-chat with her assistant for, like, twenty minutes. (Back into the phone) Oh, hi, Sandra. Listen, I'm at a pay phone, and there's lots of people here waiting to use it. (Yelling out for believability) I'll be off in a minute! (To Sandra) Yeah, could you just put me through to Elaine? Okay, thanks! (He turns to George) Are you thinking of ideas? (George, picking his teeth with his finger, is absorbed into the television. He seems to not even notice Jerry) Listen, Elaine, is there any way I could get through to you directly? Every time I call Sandra bends my ear for, like, twenty minutes. (Pause) So we're on for later? Elaine: Yeah, I'll come by after work. Hey, I got a rubber pencil thing happenin' here.. (Sandra passes her doorway) Uh, I gotta go. I gotta go. (Hangs up) Sandra! Sandra? Hi, can you come here for a second? Jerry: Okay, let's go. (George shuts the television off, ready to work) George: Alright, here we go. You got it? Jerry: Yeah. George: Here we go. Jerry: Okay, how about this I'm in my apartment, you come in. George: (Holding out his arms - giving praise) It's beautiful. Now, what do I say? Elaine: Could you do me a favor? Um, when my friends call, could you not talk to them for too long? Sandra: Why? Did Jerry say something? Elaine: No, no. Sandra: He must have said something. Elaine: Oh, no, he didn't say anything. Sandra: (Near tears) I can't work for you! I can't. I'm leaving. (Exits quickly) Elaine: (Calling out to Sandra) No, Sandra. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I really am! Listen, listen, Jerry's under a lot of pressure right now. It's very hard being a stand-up comedian! Sometimes they don't laugh! George: Alright, let's go. Jerry: Here we go. Kramer: Hey. George: yeah, Kramer, we're, uh, kind of in the middle of something here. We're trying to do a little work.. Jerry: Yeah, come on. (Kramer gives out a frustrated sigh) What's with you? Kramer: (Complaining) No more golf. Jerry: Why? Kramer: Well, you remember I told you about the pro, you know, at the Westchester Country Club, who's letting me play a round every time I give him a couple of those Cuban cigars? Jerry: Yeah. Kramer: (Angered) Yeah, well, I lost them all in the fire! (Leaning over the couch, he addresses George) Hey, George, maybe you can ask Susan's father for more, huh? George: What are you, Crazy? I can't ask the guy for more cigars after you burned down his cabin! Kramer: Why? What's one thing got to do with another? George: Kramer, please. Kramer: Well, I can't go back to the public courses, now. I can't! I won't. I mean, you know what that's like? It's crowded, the grass has big brown patches in it, they don't rake the sand traps! Not to mention the caliber of people you have to play with! George: Kramer, I can't help you. You're gonna have to get them some place else. Kramer: (Opening the door) Where? They're Cubans. (Leaves) George: (Getting up) You know what? Maybe I should take off. Jerry: What?! George: Well, you know, I gotta go to, uh, Susan's parent's house for dinner.. and, you know, I want to shower first.. and I want to leave myself plenty of time. Jerry: (Looking at his watch) You got four hours! What about the script? George: I think we got a bite on it. (Exits) [Setting: The Ross' house] Mrs. Ross: (To Mr. Ross) Doesn't George look like your sister, Sarah? Mr. Ross: (Gruff) A slight resemblance. Mrs. Ross: (To George) Her son's a podiatrist, you know. George: Ohh, I have tremendous respect for people who work with feet. I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot - you're toiling in virtual anonymity. I mean.. Mr. Ross: How are you enjoying those cigars I gave you? George: Oh, uh, the cigars.. (Chuckles nervously) I'm, uh, suckin' 'em down. I'm puffing my brains out, yeah. Mr. Ross: You know those cigars are made special for Castro? George: (Impersonating Carson) I didn't not know that. Weird. Wild. (Susan and George both laugh) Mr. Ross: What? Susan: (Explaining) He's doing Johnny Carson, daddy. Mr. Ross: I didn't care much for his jokes. Susan: (To George) Daddy never laughs. George: Oh, well, so what? Laughter - what is that? I mean, what is the point of opening your mouth and going "Ha, ha!"? What is that? "Ha, ha!"? Mr. Ross: You know, you can't get those cigars anywhere. Mrs. Ross: You and your cigars.. Mr. Ross: (Shooting back at his wife) Wear some more lipstick. Susan: Daddy, there's, um, there's something that we have to talk to you about.. Mr. Ross: Oh, I forgot to ask you - how'd you like the cabin? George: (Even more nervous than before) Oh, the, uh, the cabin.. well, (Clears throat) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Jerry: Right after we get off the phone, then you go and tell her that?! Well, of course she knows it was me who complained! Now I'm responsible for this woman's quitting. Oh, this is unbelievable! Elaine: (Full of guilt) I know! I screwed up. It's all my fault. Would you call her? Jerry: (Caving in) Ohh.. dial the number. (Elaine picks up the phone, and starts to dial) How could you do this? Elaine: (Handing the phone over to him) I was just trying to help you. Jerry: (Muttering) Oh, just trying to (Rudely grabs the phone from her) help me.. (Into the phone) Hello? Sandra? Hi, uh, this is Jerry Seinfeld. (Elaine now has her hand in a bowl of popcorn - grabbing a fistful) Listen, I - I just want to tell you, (Jerry sternly grabs Elaine's hand - forcing her to drop the popcorn, then shoves her hand away. Elaine sits back like a scolded child) There's been a terrible misunderstanding See, I told Elaine that, uh, it was a real treat talking to you on the phone, and she thought I was being sarcastic, you know, 'cause I'm a comedian and all. She thought I meant (Deeply sarcastic) "Yeah, it was a real treat talking to her on the phone." (Back to normal) You know, but I was really being sincere.. No, of course I like you.. Tonight? ..Um, uh, hold on a second. (To Elaine, whispering) Now she wants to have a drink with me. (Elaine mouths out "Just go" while making gestures. Jerry, again, gives in. Back on the phone) Yeah, I think I can.. Um.. yeah, I know where that is.. Ok.. uh, I'll see you there. Okay, bye. (Hangs up, peeved) Now I gotta have a drink with her. [Setting: The Ross' house] George: The cabin.. (Laughs nervously) Well.. (Pauses as he thinks of a way to break the news, then decides to pass it off) Susan? Susan: Uhh.. about the cabin.. Mr. Ross: (Cutting her off) I love that place. My father built that cabin in 1947. My mother was recuperating from Impetigo at the time, and dad thought it would be a good idea to get her out into the fresh air. She died there the following winter. And he passed away 10 years later to the day. His last words to me were, (Mrs. Ross, bored out of her mind, has obviously heard this story a million times - she mouths the words as Mr. Ross says them) "Cherish the cabin." Not, uh, "Take care of your sister." (Adding) She's a paraplegic. But, "Cherish the cabin." (Smiling, reflecting) And I have.. for 45 years. It's often been a.. sanctuary for me. George: (Annoyingly butting in) Kinda like Superman's fortress of solitude. Mr. Ross: What? George: S, uh, Superman - he, uh, built the fortress of solitude up at the North Pole, to, uh, you know, sort of get away from it all.. Mr. Ross: When I go, I'm passing it on to her. (Pointing at Susan) Mrs. Ross: (Drunk, she laughs out loud) I'll take a hotel any day. Susan: Daddy.. Mr. Ross: Yes? Susan: Daddy, about the cabin.. Mrs. Ross: (Laughing, she points to her shirt) Look, Henry, I spilled wine on me! (Laughs again) Mr. Ross: (To Susan) What about it? Susan: Well, the thing is.. Mr. Ross: What? What is it? Susan: Well, the - the cabin, is, kind of, uh.. George? George: (Extremely blunt) Burned. Mr. Ross: Burned? Susan: There was a fire, and it uh.. George: Burned. Mr. Ross: (Still trying to comprehend what has happened) The cabin burned? George: (Laughs) yeah, burned. Whoo.. Mrs. Ross: (Laughing out loud) Burned! (George laughs with her) Mr. Ross: Was anything found? Was it all burned to the ground?! Did they find anything? Susan: (Solemn) No. Nothing. Mrs. Ross: (Laughing, she's obviously getting a kick out of her husband's misfortune) Nothing! Ha, ha, ha. George: Eh, but, you know, Mr. Ross, if - if you look at the whole situating, what with it being your cigars, and everything, it's really rather ironic - one might even say, in a sense, comical.. (Mr. Ross has, by now, left the room. Mrs. Ross is pointing at George, nodding, laughing. As if to say he hit the bullseye. George calls out to Mr. Ross) Really. Think about it. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Sandra: (Offended) I can't believe you said that! Jerry: What?! Sandra: (Buttoning her jacket) How could you say something like that to me?! Jerry: What? What?! You were the one who was talking dirty. I was just trying to keep up! Sandra: That was a weird thing to say. Jerry: Why? It didn't mean anything. I was just trying to join in so you wouldn't feel embarrassed. Sandra: Ohh, I think you're really sick. Jerry: (Getting slightly offended) I'm not sick. (Pointing at her) You - you said much sicker things than me. Sandra: I'm leaving. (Moves toward the door. Jerry blocks her path) Jerry: I really think you're making too much of this. Sandra: (Attempting to get past him) Excuse me. (They both move to the door) Jerry: Let me walk you to a cab. Sandra: (Opens the door) That's ok. Jerry: I mean, the main thing is that this is just between us, and that'll be the end of it. Sandra: Oh, really? (Quickly walks out) Jerry: (Calling after her) I mean, people - they're not interested in things like this. They don't want to hear about it. They really don't. [Setting: The Coffee shop] Jerry: So, we're.. uhh, drinkin' and talkin', and uhh, so, she starts rubbing my leg. George: Wo-hoah! What did you do? Jerry: (Sarcastic) Have you ever told a woman to stop touching your leg? George: Yeah, right. Jerry: I mean, I know it's the wrong thing to do. She works in Elaine's office. I know it's wrong - but I can't get that hand off my leg. I mean, I'm looking at the hand, and I'm thinking, "That hand should not be on my leg." But I can't make my brain to get my mouth to say the words, "Would you mind?!" George: Yeah, woman have no problem getting the hand off. How do they do that? Jerry: I don't know, they're working on a whole other level.. George: Alright, so, go ahead. Jerry: So we go back to my apartment.. George: (Expressing shock) Woah. Whoa! Woah! Jerry: So, we're, uh, foolin' around there.. you know, it's getting a little passionate.. (Scoots closer to George, to prevent others from hearing) and, uh, she starts with the dirty talking. George: (Putting his hands up) Alright, alright, hold on! (Jerry has George's full attention) Time out! Woah, woah! (Scooting in, giddy) What did she say? Jerry: (Modest) Oh, you know, the usual.. George: No, I don't know. How do I know the usual? Jerry: Typical things. George: (Picking up the ketchup) What typical? Gimme typical. Gimme some typical. Jerry: She says, uh.. (Mumbles something inaudible. George, so shocked by what he's just heard, accidentally squeezes the ketchup bottle - ketchup squirts out and files off-screen. George reacts deeply) George: (Breathing deeply) That's very dirty. (Jerry nods) That's absolutely filthy. Jerry: ..And then she starts talking about her panties. George: (Yelling out to a waitress) Gonna need some water here! Jerry: So I said something. George: Ok, what did you say? Jerry: (Defensively) Now, bear in mind, I am just trying to keep up. George: Of course. Jerry: Okay? So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh.. So, I said, "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?" George: (Takes a few seconds to mull this one over. Shooting Jerry a confused look, he repeats it) "The panties your mother laid out for you"? (Jerry nods) What does that mean? Jerry: (Throwing up his hands) I don't know! It just popped out. George: Well, how did she react? Jerry: She flipped out! Just left. George: Well, that's not offensive. (Reflects) It's abnormal, but it's not offensive. Jerry: Look, the main thing is I don't want Elaine to know about any of this. I mean, especially the panty remark. I mean, it's embarrassing. And she's never let me hear the end of it. Jerry: She will tell her. She's going back to work. I talked her into it - how stupid was that? (Changing subject as they both collect money to pay for the check) Hey, so, Susan's father took that news pretty hard, huh? George: Yeah, yeah. He went into the bedroom and started sobbing. Jerry: I guess he failed to see the humor in it. George: Huh. (Makes a "over his head" gesture with his arm) C'mon, let's go, go. We got a lot of work to do today. Jerry: (Getting up) Alright, big work day. George: That's right. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] George: Okay. Jerry: Let's go. George: Here we are. Jerry: Right now. George: Let's do it. Jerry: You and me. George: Okay. Jerry: Alright. George: What'dya got? Jerry: (Reading from his notebook) I got You enter, you go "Hi", and I go, "Hello." Now.. we need something here.. Kramer: Oh, hey. George: Don't be silly. Jerry: Come in, we're taking a break. Kramer: (Moving back into the room) Oh, yeah? Jerry: Yeah! Kramer: Uh, George, did you talk to that guy about getting me some more cigars? George: (Scoffs) No, I told you, I'm not gonna do that. Kramer: (Concluding) Okay.. well, I guess I'm just going to have to take matters into my own hands, huh? (Pause) Alright, I'll see you guys. (Leaves, despite "No, don't go!" and other various comments by Jerry and George) [Setting: United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building] Kramer: Buenos dias. Secretary: Buenos dias. Kramer: Uh, habla ingles? Secretary: Si. Kramer: Giddy-up. Ok, uh, (Looks at a woman wearing dark sunglasses and sitting on a sofa behind him. He reacts oddly) Um. I need to talk to someone. Secretary: What is this about? Kramer: Uh, well, It's a very private matter, but it's extremely urgent. Secretary: Are you an American? Kramer: Oh, yeah. Secretary: I see.. excuse me. (Picks up the phone) Kramer: Okay. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Jerry: (Stirring, he gets up to answer the buzzer) Alright, let's get going. C'mon, c'mon now. (Approaches the intercom) C'mon, let's get it together.. (Through intercom) Yeah? Elaine: It's Elaine. Jerry: C'mon up. (Slightly opens the door for Elaine) George: (Standing up, still waking up) Alright, you know what we should do? We should go to the movies. Get away from this script for a while.. Jerry: (Agreeing) Yeah, we should. George: Alright, I just have to go over to the Ross' apartment and drop off Susan's sunglasses. You'll come with me? Jerry: Yeah. Wha - what, does she live with them? George: No, no, no, no. Jerry: Oh. Elaine: Hey, nice going, Jerome Seinfeld! Jerry: What? Elaine: I just got a message from Sandra, she's coming back to work. Jerry: Well, then, you've just got to fire her! Don't even think about it - there's no two ways about it. Elaine: Why? What happened? Did you talk? Jerry: Talk? Did I talk? It - you're darn right I talk to her! We talked up a storm - and I concluded from the basis of these talks that this isn't anybody you should be talking to. Elaine: Really? Jerry: Yes. Elaine: Really? You really think I should fire her? Jerry: Oh yeah. Yeah, in fact, if George and I weren't so busy here working on the script, I'd do it myself. [Setting: United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building] Man: (To secretary) Expira te afuera. Kramer: (Standing up, greeting the men) Buenos dias. Man: What is your name, Senor? Kramer: Uh, Kramer. Man: So, Senor Kramer, what is this about? Kramer: (Leaning in, confidentially) Cigars. Man: (Confused) Cigars? Kramer: (Definite) Cigars. Man: What about cigars? Kramer: Uh, see here, I.. (Pulls out a paper ring from his pocket) I saved one of the cigar rings.. Man: Ohh.. (Laughs, pulling a cigar from his inner coat pocket) You mean - one of these.. Kramer: (Pointing at the cigar, incredibly nervous) Yeah, yeah. That- that's, uh, okay, So, uh, I'd like to buy a couple of boxes of those from you, yeah? Man: (Deeply sniffs the cigar's aroma) You do realize, of course, these are illegal in your country. Kramer: Um, wha - oh, illegal, huh? Man: I like that jacket.. [Setting: The Ross' apartment] Susan: Hi! George: Hi, how are ya? (They kiss) Susan: Hey, Jerry. Jerry: Hi. Susan: I thought you two guys were working today. Jerry: Ah, just - takin' a little break. George: (Chuckling) yeah. Uh, oh, here's your sunglasses. (Hands them to her) Susan: Ok, thanks. Come on in for a second. (They move into the living room. Susan gestures to a man sitting on the couch reading the paper) This is my brother, Ricky. He's home from college for the weekend. George: Ohh, hey there, young fella. (They shake hands) What's your major? Ricky: (Blunt) I don't have one. George: Well, you should always consider podiatry. (Patting Ricky on the shoulder) There's nothing wrong with the feet. (Ricky looks critically back at George) Susan: (Now gestures to an old woman in a wheelchair) And this is my Aunt, Sara. Sara: (Staring at George) He doesn't look like me. Mrs. Ross: Sara, what do you have on your wheels? Sara: Nothing, they're clean. Mrs. Ross: Ricky, did you wipe her wheels off? Ricky: (Annoyed) Yes. Mrs. Ross: (Concluding) Well, they're filthy. It's just a matter of common courtesy.. (Wheels Sara over to a spot off the rug) When you come in the house you wipe your wheels. Susan: Excuse me. (Answer the door. It's her doorman, Raymond, carrying a burnt box) Hello, Raymond. Raymond: Ah, yes, the man from the insurance company dropped this off this morning. He said it was the only thing left from the remains of the fire. Susan: (Accepts the box) Oh, thank you. (As the doorman leaves, she turns to Jerry and George) Wow, I've never seen this before.. (Opens the charred box) Oh, they're letters. (Hands the box to George) Here. George: Oh, sure. (Holds the box out as Susan takes out a few letters) Susan: From.. (Trying to read one) from John Cheever. Jerry And George: Oh, wow. Susan: (Chuckles as she opens up one of the letters. She reads it) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my.. orgasm (She now has everyone's attention) has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work.. (Jerry and George make odd faces as Susan is still concentrating on the notes) I love you madly, John. (Pause) P.S. Loved the cabin." (George nods, and Jerry gives a "Oh, of course" reaction) George: Well, we.. we, we, ah.. Jerry: (Looking at his watch ) Yeah.. George: We really should be, uh, heading out.. Jerry: Yeah. (Tapping his watch) Look at the time. George: You know, the time.. Mr. Ross: The box! (Rushes toward George, grabbing the box away from him, then the letters from Susan's hands) My letters! Gimme that! (Now holding them against his chest, defensively) Who told you to open this?! Mrs. Ross: (Hysterical) Who's John?! Who's John?! Sara: (Yelling out) I knew it! Mrs. Ross: I want to know who John is! Rickey: John Cheever?! Dad, you and John Cheever?! Mr. Ross: (Proclaiming) Yes! Yes, he was the most wonderful person I've ever known. And I love him deeply! In a way you could never understand.. (Slowly walks back to his room, leaving everyone speechless. Susan seems to be affected the most. A long pause passes. Jerry gives George a signal that they should go) George: Well, we really should be- Jerry: Yeah. George: Uh, heading out. Jerry really hates to miss the coming attractions. Jerry: Yeah, and, (Pointing to his watch) because of the.. (Slowly exiting) time. George: yeah, time is what he's indicating there.. Jerry: (Waving good bye) We'll see ya. George: Uh, anyway, (Waving bye to everyone) onward and upward. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] George: Alright, here we go. Jerry: Alright, let's go. George: Come on now. Jerry: Right now. George: Here we go. Jerry: You and me. George: You got it. Jerry: No foolin' George: Ok, so, what'dya got? Jerry: (Looking at his notebook) Alright, I got, uh, you come in, you say "Hi", and I say "Hello". George: Alright, so, we need something.. Jerry: Yeah.. how about this I say "How's it goin'?" George: "How's it going?" - beautiful. Jerry: (Getting up to answer the door) Alright, did you get that line? George: (Nodding, writing) "How's it going?" Jerry: Did you write it down? George: I'm writin' it. "How's it going?" Jerry: Okay.. (Opens the door to a frantic Elaine) Elaine: Real good! Jerry: What?! Elaine: Do you know how much money you cost me today?! 429 dollars! Jerry: What?! How? Elaine: I got Sandra transferred to another office upstairs, okay?! So, she blabs to Lippman about my long distance calls to Europe! Jerry: What calls?! Elaine: Uh! I made a friend when I was in Europe, okay?! And we've been in touch, and Sandra told Lippman! Jerry: Oh, did - did she say anything else to you? Elaine: (Confused) "Anything else"? What do you mean "anything else"? Jerry: So she just left the office - didn't say a word to you about anything? Elaine: Yeah! Jerry: (Smiling to himself) Beautiful. Elaine: Why is that beautiful? Jerry: Oh, no, not beautiful. Elaine: It's four hundred and twenty nine dollars! Jerry: Hey, look, I'm going to pay for that. Elaine: No, no. Jerry: (Taking out his checkbook) No, I insist. I was the one who encouraged you to fire her - the whole thing was all my- Elaine: (Giving up too easy) Okay. Jerry: (Pauses, noting Elaine's quick accept) fault. (Starts to write a check out, then stops, looking at the door) Do you smell smoke? Kramer: Oh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you to meet my new friends, here. (Introducing each one) This is, uh, Louis, Jorge, and Umberto. Jerry: Oh, how you doing? Nice to meet you. Kramer: Yeah, we're heading up to Westchester - gonna hit the links. Jerry: Oh. (Notices Louis' jacket) Isn't that, uh, your.. Kramer: (Trying to avoid the issue) Oh, yeah, yeah, Okay, we're going. (To his three friends) Vamanos, muchachos! Elaine: (Turns to George, he is now reading a book) Hey, what are you reading? George: Oh, uh, "The Falconer" by John Cheever. It's really excellent. Elaine: (To Jerry) John Cheever, you ever read any of his stuff? Jerry: Uh, yeah, I'm familiar with some of his writing. (George shoots Jerry a smirk, then returns to his book) Alright, (Hand the check to Elaine) look, we gotta get back to work. We just had a big breakthrough here. Elaine: (Folding up the check) Ok, I'll leave you two alone. Jerry: (Moving back into the living room) Okay. Elaine: (In the door way) Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties (Jerry pauses right before sitting in his chair) and they're - all laid out for me. (Leaves, smiling to herself. Jerry and George both look at each other, frozen in their places)

Jerry: (answering machine) leave a message and I?ll call you back, thanks. JOE DIVOLA Jerry, Joe Divola. *Pbt* *Pbt* *Pbt* I have a hair on my tongue, I can't get it off, you know how much I hate that? Course you do, you put it there. I know what you said about me Seinfeld. I know you badmouthed me to the execs at NBC, put the kibosh on my deal. Now I?m gonna put the kibosh on you. You know I?ve kiboshed before, and I will kibosh again. Kramer: So, what do you think? Jerry: About what? Kramer: About the opera. Jerry: Nah, I don't wanna go. Kramer: You gotta go. Jerry: I-I-I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? You got something to say, say it! Kramer: Jerry, you don't understand, that?s the way they talk in Italy, they sing to one another. Kramer starts to sing in bad Italian. Jerry: All right, all right. Kramer: That?s the way it was, you know. You listen to the language, its got that sing songy quality. It?s the language Jerry, the language Jerry: So why don't they talk like that now? Kramer: Well its, uh, well its too hard to keep up, you know, they were tired. Kramer: Better get that Jerry: Yeah? Elaine: (intercom) it?s me! Jerry: Come on up. Kramer: So, huh? Jerry: I don't know Kramer: Oh come on Jerry, its opening night, black tie, Pagliacci! The great clown, the great sad tragic clown, like you. Jerry: Well it?s very flattering. How did you get these tickets, I heard they're impossible to get. Kramer: Oh, well I have many associates. Jerry: I don't know, opera, it?s not my kind of thing. Kramer: All right, you not gonna go I?m not gonna go, I?m gonna call the whole thing off. Jerry: No, wait a minute, wait a minute, that?s not fair, what about George, Susan and Elaine, what do you need me for? Kramer: You're the nucleus, the straw that stirs the drink. You're the Miana! Jerry: Well I guess if I?m the Miana I should go. All right, all right. Elaine: Hi! Jerry: Hi! Kramer: Hey! Hi Elaine! Elaine: You got the tickets right? Kramer: Well no, I don't have them on me. Elaine: What? That?s why I came all the way over here. Kramer: My friends got 'em, I?m going to pick them up tomorrow. Elaine: Oh, I was gonna surprise Joey with them, you got an extra one right? Kramer: Oh yeah! Jerry: So I finally get to meet your pal Joey. Elaine: Its killing you isn?t it? Jerry: Yeah, so Joey?s a great lover of the opera Elaine: Listen, I got news for ya, its nice to be involved with somebody who?s interested in something other than nick at night. Now he?s got a grip on reality, he's happy, he's well adjusted. Jerry: Well I?m looking forward to meeting him. Elaine: I've got to go Jerry: Where are you going, what?s the rush? Elaine: I'm going to surprise Joey, I?ve never been to his apartment so I?m just going to 'pop in' Jerry: Oh, good, men love that! Jerry: Hey! Kramer: You've got a message buddy. Jerry: Ooo, could be from that blonde Kramer: Oo yiggity diggigg Joe Divola: (answering machine message)'Jerry, Joe Divola. I have a hair on my tongue' Jerry: (shouting) Kramer what am I going to do did you hear that that guy's gonna put a kibosh on me he's crazy he's out of his mind... Kramer: Steady, steady, now calm yourself, come on, now get a hold of yourself, Jerry: What the hell he's supposed to be on medication I don't understand he told me he's getting medication what happened to his medication!? Kramer: OK Quiet! Quiet! Now let me think! Jerry: I'm gonna call the cops. That?s what I?m doing, I?m calling the cops. Kramer: The cops? What are you calling the cops for? They?re not going to do anything! Jerry: What do you mean they're not going to do anything, they're the cops, they gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you know what the kibosh means, its a kibosh! Kramer: Yiddigtkk ka kibosh. Jerry: I mean it's a terrible mistake, I mean he thinks I ruined some deal of his at NBC, I don't know anything about any deal at NBC. Kramer: Call him and tell him Jerry: That?s what I?ll do, I?ll just call him and tell him, I?ll tell him. That?s all I?ll do. He's a human being, I?ll talk to him. He'll understand. Right? Kramer: Right... Don't mention my name Jerry: Oh, I got the machine. Kramer: What?s his message like? Jerry: Nice! Kramer: Eh! Jerry: (into phone) Hello Joe, listen this is Jerry Seinfeld, I really think there?s been a huge colossal misunderstanding, Kramer: Big! Big! Jerry: and I feel if we can just talk about this we can straighten the whole thing out, so listen, so call me back. Bye. Elaine: Joey? Joey? Elaine: Oh god, oh, its you! You scared me! Joe Divola: Good. Fear is our most primal emotion. Elaine: You left your door open. Joe Divola: I know, I like to encourage intruders. Elaine: (laughs) What?s all this? Joe Divola: Do you like it? My home is a shrine to you. Elaine: Where did you get all these pictures? Joe Divola: I took them myself with a telephoto lens. Coming out of your office, your apartment, shopping, showering. Elaine: Showering? Joe Divola: I developed them myself in my dark room. Would you like to see? Elaine: In the dark room? Uh no, no thank you. Not right now. I'm a day person!... Are you all right? Joe Divola: Why Elaine: Well I don't know, you just don't seem yourself? Joe Divola: Who am I? Who am I supposed to be? Elaine: That?s a good question, good question, its very... exerstential! Who are you? Who am I? Yeah, well. Joe Divola: What are you doing here? Elaine: Oh, nothing, I just stopped by to chat, you know, shoot the breeze. Joe Divola: Were you able to get those opera tickets to Pagliacci from that friend of yours? I'm really looking forward to it. Elaine: Oh, no, he couldn't get them. We're not going. Joe Divola: Really? Elaine: Oh, dammit, you know I just remembered I gotta go, I left something on, the gas, the lights, the water in the tub. Something is on somewhere so I?m just gonna get the uh.. Joe Divola: You know the story of Pagliacci, Nedda? Elaine: Uh.. I?m Elaine! Joe Divola: He's a clown whose wife is unfaithful to him. Elaine: Oh. Joe Divola: Do you think I?m a clown, Nedda? Elaine: Do I think you're a clown? No, not if it?s bad to be a clown, if it?s bad to be a clown then you are definitely not a clown. But if its good to be a clown then, you know, I would have to rethink the whole thing. Joe Divola: You've betrayed me with another, haven't you, Nedda? Who is he. I want you to tell me who he is. I want his name. Tell me his name. Elaine: Oh, like any man would ever look at me, come on, I?m gonna... get out of here. Joe Divola: Pagliacci kills his wife. Elaine: Se, now that?s terrible, that is not a nice thing to do at all, I don?t know how this Paliachi thing turns out but you know I would assume that there is big big trouble for that clown Joe Divola: You're not leaving Jerry: (on phone) But officer, he threatened me! I don't understand, that?s not right! What if it was the President of the United States I bet you'd investigate. So what?s the difference, I?m a comedian of the United States, and I?ll tell you I?m under just as much pressure. Alright, thanks anyway, ok bye. Jerry: (cautiously) Who is it? George: It's George. George: What, are you locking the door now? Jerry: Well, well, look at you. It?s a little skimpy there isn't it? George: Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding. Jerry: Ooo, that was a bad toast. George: It wasn't that bad. Jerry: I never heard anybody curse in a toast. George: I was trying to loosen 'em up a little bit. Jerry: There were old people there, all the relatives. You were like a Red Fox record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the worst all time toasts. George: Alright, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that, he could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock! Susan's not going tonight you know. Jerry: What do you mean not going? why not? George: I don't know, she said she had to pick up a friend of hers at the airport. It cost me a hundred dollars this ticket. Jerry: Why doesn't she pay for hers? George: That's a very good question. You know she and I go out for dinner, she doesn't even reach for the check. That?s all I?m asking for is a reach. Is that so much to ask for? Jerry: It's nice to get a reach. Jerry: Who is it? Kramer: It's me! Kramer: What, are you locking the door now? Jerry: Because of Divola! Get in here... How come you're not dressed? Kramer: I am dressed. Jerry: You're going like this? Kramer: Yeah. Hey I want you to hear something. Jerry: I thought you said people dress up when they go to the opera! Kramer: People do, I don't. Jerry: Well what about me! If you're going like that, I?m not going like this. George: Wait a minute, wait a minute, do you think I?m comfortable here. I can't change, I?ve got no clothes here! You've got to go like that, I can?t go like this alone! Jerry: Why should I be uncomfortable just because my apartment is closer to town hall than yours? George: That?s not the issue, we're friends, if I?ve got to be uncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable too! Jerry: All right, all right, I?ll wear this. It's bad enough I?ve got to go to the opera I?ve got to sit next to ozzie nelson over here. Jerry: Would you turn that down! What is that crap! Kramer: It's Pagliacci! Jerry: Oh beautiful. Listen, we've got a little problem here, we've got two extra tickets. Kramer: Why? What happened? Jerry: Well Susan isn't going and Elaine just left me a message her friend isn't going either. Kramer: That?s fantastic! We'll scalp the tickets, we'll make maybe five hundred a ticket. George: What? Really? Kramer: Yeah. George: People are looking for tickets here? Kramer: What, are you kidding? Opening night Pavarotti and Pagliacci. Ha, we're gonna clean up! George: Oh man! I knew I was gonna love the opera. Jerry: Oh yeah right. Kramer: OK come on, let?s go get the tickets. George: All right, all right. Jerry: All right, you guys listen, I've got to wait here for Elaine, I'll meet you in front of the theatre. George: Oh, wait, isn't scalping illegal? Kramer: Oh yeah! Jerry: You sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca? Elaine: Cherry Binaca, it?s new. Jerry: See, I don't get that. First they come out with the regular, then a year later they come out with the cherry. They know that we like the cherry, start with cherry! Then come out with the regular! Elaine: It's like I didn't even know him. He's like a totally different person. Jerry: Well you should hear the message from my nut. Where's George and Kramer, I want to get inside already, I don't like standing out here, I feel very vulnerable. Jerry: Hey, hey, what are you doing, that?s my quarter. Man#1: No it's not, it's mine. Jerry: I was just flipping it, it's mine. Man#1: No, I dropped it, it's mine. Jerry: All right, do you want the quarter, take the quarter, but don't try and tell me it's yours. Man#1: Well it is mine. Jerry: What, do you think I care about the money? Is that what you think? You want me to show you what I care about money? Here look, here look at this, here's a dollar here look, there, that?s how much I care about money. Man#1: You think I care about money, that?s how much I care about money, I don't care about money. Jerry: Oh yeah, well why don?t you Just get lost. Man#1: Why don't you get lost. Jerry: Because I was standing here, that?s why. Man#1: Oh Yeah? Jerry: Yeah! Jerry: I kinda like this opera crowd, I feel tough... Anybody else got a problem? Park Guy#1: Hey clown! Park Guy#2: hey clown! Park Guy#1: Make us laugh, clown! Park Guy#2: Nice face, clown! Park Guy#2: Make me laugh, clown! Kramer: I got two, I got two huh, Paliachi, who needs two, Pagliacci, come on, the great tragic clown, come on, check it out, he laughs, he cries, he sings, Pagliacci. Hey, I got two beauties right here, check it out all right. Man#2: Hey, hey. Are you selling. Kramer: Oh yeah, I?m selling. Man#2: Where are they? Kramer: Orchestra, Row G, dead center, primo! You'll think you died and went to heaven. Man#2: What do you want for them. Kramer: All right, I?ll tell you what I?ll do. Cause you look like a nice guy, a thousand dollars for the duce. Man#2: I'll give you five hundred for the pair. George: Ok, it's a deal! Kramer: Pzzzt. No. George: No? Are you crazy? Kramer: Look, let me handle this. George: Five hundred dollars, that?s a great deal! Kramer: You're blowing this, the guys a pigeon. George: Did you see that? The guy's walking away. What is wrong with you? That was a three hundred dollar profit. Kramer: Look, I know what I?m doing here George. George: This is not a Metallica concert, it?s an opera alright, a little dignity, a little class, just give me my ticket, I will stand over here and sell it. Kramer: Oh, yeah. George: Thank you very much. You just stand over there, I?ll stand over here. Kramer: I know where I?m standing. George: Alright. Kramer: Hey! George: (shouting) Get your Paliachi! Jerry: Where are they already? Elaine: I guarantee they don't sell either one of those tickets. Jerry: Hey, look, there's Bobby Eighteen?s father-in-law, Mr Reichman. George and I were just talking about that today, I can?t believe it! That?s the guy who threw George out of the wedding. Elaine: Oh, yeah, when George made that bad toast! Jerry: Do you remember the curse toast? Elaine: Oh yeah, the curse toast. Jerry: So, can you believe that message? Now I?ve got to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. Elaine: Me too Jerry: Crazy Joe Divola Elaine: How do you know his name? Jerry: What do you mean? Why wouldn't I know his name? Elaine: I never told you his name. Jerry: I never told you his name. Elaine: Wait a second, who are we talking about here? Jerry: Joe Divola. Elaine: Right, Joe Divola Jerry: How do you know his name? Elaine: I've been out with him three times, I should know the mans name. Jerry: Oh my god, its Joe Divola Elaine: Is he stalking you? are you kidding me? Jerry: That madman is trying to kill me. Elaine: Oh, Jerry, why didn't you tell me his name! Oh my god, he accused me of seeing someone else, he said tell me his name, he said tell me his name!! Jerry: Oh! He said that! Can you imagine what he'll do if he sees me with you! He'll think I?m the one who ruined his deal at NBC and took away his girl, he'll put a kibosh on me! Elaine: Oooohh, what about me! Joe Divola: Excuse me Elaine & Jerry: Aaahhhhh!! George: But this is Pavarotti! Man#3: Three hundred dollars, that?s a lot of money. Mr Reichman: You know Steven Holstman (?) did a production at Tunis last yeas and from what I understand, the Moslems really took to it. George: All right, I?ll tell you what, you seem like a nice guy, let?s stop jerking around. Give me.. two hundred and fifty dollars, I?ve got people waiting for me, I've got to get the hell out of here. Mr Reichman: Scalping! I told them to put out extra security.. Excuse me. George: Hey pop, would you buzz off, I've got something cooking. Mr Reichman: Costanza!? George: Mr Reichman? Mr Reichman: You've still got a mouth like a surd give me those tickets. Mrs Reichman: Harold, no, Harold, Harold be careful of you're hair transplant! Joe Divola: Anything is welcome, I accept change. Jerry: I don't have anything, I gave it to that guy. Joe Divola: You know, you could just say no, you don't have to humiliate me. I may be dressed as a clown but I am a person. Jerry: I'm telling you, the guy took... Joe Divola: And I don't need people like you looking down their noses at me. I am just a street performer out here trying to make enough to get by. Mrs Reichman: Doctor! Doctor! Is there a doctor anywhere! Joe Divola: What, are you showing off to your girlfriend here, is that it? Elaine: I'm not his girlfriend. We dated for a while, but things didn't really work out. Joe Divola: You people make me sick. Jerry: That is one angry clown! Jerry: The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?", "I'm not working with that clown, did you hire that clown?", "The guy's a clown!". How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that you want to be a clown, I guess you get to a point where you're pants look so bad, it's actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations done. Because if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus around them, is really just a very annoying person. You're in the back seat of this guys Volkswagen, "What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh man!" Jerry: (Singing) Camera, curtains, lights - This is it, we'll hit the heights - Oh what heights we'll hit - On with the show this is it! Elaine: You know, it is so sad, all your knowledge of high culture comes from bugs bunny cartoons. Jerry: Oh there's that clown again, what does he want from me. Look I?m serious, I?m not kidding, I don't have the quarter, that guy took it. Joe Divola: I don't want any money. Elaine: I smell cherry. Joe Divola: It's Binaca. Jerry: Binaca? George: What did we say? Two seventy-five? Man#3: Two fifty. George: Two fifty? Are you sure Man#3: Yeah, yeah, I?m sure. George: All right, all right, two fifty. Susan: George! George: S-Susan Susan: I can't believe it, I?m so glad I caught you. George: What are you doing here, I though you were going to the airport. Susan: Oh, there was some problem with the plane, they landed in Philadelphia. George: So what, they don?t have another plane? She couldn't take a bus? Susan: She's coming in tomorrow. I made it! George: Yeah you made it, how about that. Susan: Oh, I?m so excited, now we get to see the opera together. George: We get to go to the opera together! Susan: Who's that? George: That?s-that?s-Harry Fong, he's a very good friend of mine and he's a big opera buff. Enjoy the show there harry!... You know what. Jerry: Come on, you gotta let us in Usher: Not without tickets. Jerry: We have tickets, we just don't have 'em with us. Usher: Well that?s a problem. Excuse me. Jerry: You don't understand, someone's after us, a crazy clown is trying to kill us. Usher: A crazy clown is after you? Oh that?s rich. Now clear the entrance so people with tickets can get through. Jerry&Elaine: We're with him, we're with him. Kramer: Are you guys ready? Jerry&Elaine: Yeah, Yeah!! Kramer: Have you seen George? Jerry: We thought he was with you. Elaine: Come on, he's on his own, come on! Kramer: These are great seats huh? Elaine: Yeah Kramer: Yeah Jerry: Boy, some cast, huh? Pavarotti, Aver Martone. Elaine: Aver Martone. I've heard of her, who's she playing? Jerry: She's playing, Pagliacci?s wife, Nedda. Elaine: Nedda? Jerry: Yeah. Elaine: Oh my god.. Man#3: Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Jerry: Susan! What are you doing here? Susan: My Friend's flight couldn?t make it. Jerry: Where's George? Man#3: I got his ticket. Susan: He decided not to come. He said he was uncomfortable. Jerry: Uncomfortable? How does you think I feel?.. Hey let me ask you something, how much did you pay for that ticket? Man#3: One seventy-five. Jerry: Kramer, who'd you sell your ticket to? Kramer: Some nut in a clown suit! Jerry: I had some friends drag me to an opera recently, you know how they've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really need binoculars, I mean how big do these people have to get before you can spot 'em. These opera kids they're going two-fifty, two-eighty, three-twenty-five, they're wearing big white woolly vests, the women have like the breastplates, the bullet hats with the horn coming out. If you can't pick these people out, forget opera, think about optometry, maybe that?s more you're thing.

Jerry: We're dead. George: We're not dead. Jerry: We are dead. George: Come on. We got all day tomorrow to come up with a story. Jerry: All day tomorrow? We had a month and a half to come up with something and we didn't do anything. George: So we'll do it tomorrow. Jerry: Let me ask you something. When's the last time you went skiing? George: About six years ago. Jerry: I think you can take the lift ticket off your jacket now. George: Women like skiers. Jerry: So what? You can't meet anybody. You're going on with Susan. George: Yeah. Right. Jerry: Hey, see those two women over there? I almost dated the one on the right. She's in the closet business. George: The closet business? What's the closet business? Jerry: What is it your business? George: I'm interested. Jerry: She reorganizes your closet and shows you how to maximize your closet space. She looked into my closet. George: So you thought she was good looking and figured this would be a good way to meet her. Jerry: Yeah. George: Yeah. So what happened? Jerry: So, she mentioned she had a boyfriend and then it hit me. What do I need more closet space for? (Across the room) Hi, Marla. Marla: (Walks over to Jerry and George) Jerry. Jerry: George, Marla. George: Marla. Marla: George. Jerry, Stacey. Jerry: Stacey. Stacey: Jerry. Jerry: George, Stacey. George: Stacey. Stacey: George. Jerry: George. George: Jerry. Marla. (Realizing Jerry's cue) Stacey! (Walks over to Stacey) Marla: So, how was your trip to Berlin? Jerry: Trip to Berlin? Marla: Remember? That's why you put off doing the closets. You said you were going to Berlin for a while. Jerry: Oh, right, right. Marla: The wall had just come down, and you told me you wanted to be part of the celebration. Jerry: Yes, yes, I did. But, you know, I was watching it on CNN, and they covered it so well I thought, "Why knock my brains out?" Marla: You, know my boyfriend went. Jerry: Really? Marla: Yes, I told him all about you going and he got all excited and decided to go. Jerry: Oh, did he like it? Marla: I don't know. He never came back. (Over to the other side of the bar) George: Anyway, we met with NBC about a month ago and they gave us the green light to go ahead and write a pilot. In fact, we got a big meeting with them tomorrow. They gotta approve of the story before we can write. Stacey: Wow, what a great job. A writer. George: Not a bad way to make a buck. Stacey: Sounds great. George: Well, I'll tell you, Stacey. It's a lot of hard work. But, it comes fairly easy to me. Some people write symphonies. This is my gift. (Raises ski lift ticket while Stacey looks away) Jerry: So, are you gonna go out with her? George: I might. Jerry: What about Susan? George: What? I'm not married. I'm not allowed to go out with somebody else? Jerry: Depends. George: Depends on what? Jerry: On many factors. George: Like what? Jerry: Well, how long you've been seeing her. What's your phone call frequency? Are you on a daily? George: No. Semi-daily. Four or five times a week. Jerry: What about Saturday nights? Do you have to ask her out, or is a date implied? George: Implied. Jerry: She got anything in your medicine cabinet? George: There might be some moisturizer. Jerry: Ah hah. Let me ask you this. Is there any tampax in your house? George: (Pause) Yeah. Jerry: Well, I'll tell you what you've got here. George: What? Jerry: You got yourself a girlfriend. George: Ah, no, no. Are you sure? A girlfriend? Jerry: I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily with tampax in his house and an implied date on Saturday night. I would like to help you out, but... George: Would you believe my luck? The first time in my life I have a good answer to the question, "What do you do?" and I have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't need a girlfriend when you can answer that question. That's what you say in order to get girlfriends. Once you can get a girlfriend, you don't want a girlfriend, you just want more girlfriends. Jerry: You're going to make a good father someday. George: Well it's not fair, Jerry. It's just not fair. All right, all right. That's it. I'm getting out of this thing. Jerry: Fine. Break up with her. But you know what this means? George: No, what? Jerry: The script, the pilot, the TV show. That's all over. George: Why? What do you mean? Jerry: Figure it out. She's one of the executives at NBC that's gonna make the decision whether or not they pick up the show. She's one of our biggest fans. You drop her off, you think they're gonna pick us up? George: Oh, right. Oh no, man. Jerry: you know, it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can get you girls. But, you also have a relationship. But if you try and get rid of the relationship so you can get the girls, you lose the job. You see the irony? George: Yeah, yeah. I see the irony. All right. What about this? What if I can find some way to break up with her so that she'll still like me and it doesn't affect the deal. Jerry: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah. George: Wait, wait. Here me out. Don't dismiss this. You're very quick to dismiss. Don't dismiss. She's got a big crush on David Letterman, I mean, a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC; I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out, they fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman. Jerry: This is your plan? George: No, no. I'm just thinking. Jerry: I don't think you are. Marla: Let me tell you what I think. Jerry: Please, and be brutal. I have no closet sensitivity. Marla: Are you very fussy about your pants? Jerry: I don't think I am. Marla: Because I have a very radical idea. Can you handle it? Jerry: Try me. Marla: Here's what I'm proposing. We eliminate all this. The hangers, the bar, the shelves. And in its place install a series of hooks. We'll put everything on hooks. Jerry: Everything? Marla: Everything. The shirts, pants, sport jackets, pajamas. We could get eighty hooks on here. Jerry: You're quite mad, you know. (Kramer enters) Oh, I don't believe this. (Goes into other room) Hey? Kramer: Hey. Jerry: What are you doing? Kramer: I'm watching The Bold and the Beautiful. Jerry: No. Kramer: What? Jerry: This is not a good time. Kramer: Five minutes. What? Jerry: What did you have to give your TV away to George for? Kramer: Because I've been watching too much. It was an addiction. I couldn't stop. It was, it was destroying my brain cells. Jerry: Yeah, but now you're in here all the time. (Marla enters from other room) Kramer: Well, wow. Jerry: Marla, Kramer. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Why don't you go out? It's nice out. Kramer: Oh, no. There's nothing out there for me. Jerry: There's weather. Kramer: Weather? I don't need weather. Weather doesn't do it for me. Jerry: I'm tellin' George to give you your TV back. Kramer: No, no, I don't want it back. (Pause) Are you gonna watch the Knick game tonight? Jerry: I don't know. Kramer: Will you tape it? Jerry: Kramer... (points to Marla) Kramer: Yeah. (He exits) Jerry: So your boyfriend never came back from Berlin. Marla: Never came back. Jerry: Oh, you must have been devastated being left for a wall. Marla: It was about to end anyway. There was this... problem. Jerry: Ah hah. (Buzzer) Excuse me one second. Yeah? Elaine: It's me. Jerry: Come on up. Oh, it's Elaine, she's just a friend of mine. I don't know what she's doing here now. (Buzzer) I'm sorry. What? Elaine: I didn't get it. Jerry: Ugh. So you were saying there was this problem. Marla: Well, he wanted me to move in with him. Jerry: Snapple? Marla: No thanks. Jerry: Go on. Marla: Well I wouldn't move in because... Jerry: Yes. Marla: Well because... Jerry: Yeah. Marla: Well because I'm a virgin. (Elaine enters) Elaine: Hello! Jerry: Hi, um. Marla, Elaine. Elaine: I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company. I just wanted to return your tape. Jerry: Oh, thanks a lot, two weeks late. Now that costs me thirty-five dollars to see Havana. Elaine: I'm sorry, I really am. I just kept forgetting. Marla: I should be going. Elaine: No, no, I'm leaving. Jerry: I like that thing in your hair there. Elaine: Oh yeah? This woman was selling them at this crazy party I was at last night. You'll appreciate this. Snapple? Marla: No thanks. Elaine: I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa. And my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, ahh! Staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so. I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm, who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right? (Sips the Snapple) Ahh. Marla: I should be going. Jerry: So we'll talk about the hooks then? Marla: Yes. (She exits) Elaine: What? Was it something I said? Jerry: She's a virgin, she just told me. Elaine: Well I didn't know. Jerry: Well it's not like spotting a toupee. Elaine: Well you think I should say something? Should I say something? Should I apologize? Was I being anti-virgin? Jerry: No, no, I mean... Elaine: 'Cause I'm not anti-virgin. I'll be right back. (She leaves) Jerry: Elaine, Elaine... (Buzzer) Yeah? George: It's George. George: She's a virgin? Jerry: A virgin. George: Wow. So what're you gonna do? Jerry: I don't know. I'm very attracted to her. That accent, it's so sexy. George: I don't think I could do it. You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten. Jerry: You need a little pioneer spirit. You know, you don't have any of that Lewis and Clark in you. George: You know, sometimes those guys don't make it back. (Looks in fridge) I'm really hungry. Jerry: Yeah, me too. George: We gotta get something. I don't want to go to that meeting on an empty stomach. Let's get some Chinese. You wanna order it? Jerry: All right, but then we gotta get some work done. Let me just call Kramer, see if want anything. (Calls) Hey, we ordering Chinese food. If you want anything- (Kramer enters quickly) let me know what it is and I'll order for you. Kramer: I'm in. Let's go for it. George: What do you want? Kramer: I don't care, whatever. George: I'll tell you what. Why don't we just get a couple of dishes and we'll just share 'em. Kramer: Okay. What are you getting? George: I'm gonna get a Chow Fung. Kramer: What's a Chow Fung? George: It's a broad noodle. Kramer: What do you mean, a broad noodle? George: It's a big flat noodle. Kramer: Well I don't want a big flat noodle. George: What kind of noodle do you want? Kramer: Who says I want a noodle? George: All right, look. I'm getting the Chow Fung. You don't have to have any. Kramer: All right. I'll get pea pods and you can't have any of my pea pods. George: Fine. Kramer: Get extra MSG. Elaine: Look, Marla. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here's the one thing you've gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality it's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there. Marla: So they just leave? Elaine: Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Well, the smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner. How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow. What is about being up early? They all turn into farmers suddenly. Marla: Wow. It must be pretty good to put up with all that. Elaine: Eh. Jerry: All right, let's go. We don't have much time before the meeting. George: Where's the food? What happened to Ping? Jerry: Don't worry, he'll be here. Look, we only got about two hours. We just need to come up with one good story so we can get through this meeting. (Buzzer) There's your food. George: Hey, what about this? I'm in a car accident. The motorist is uninsured, you with me? Jerry: Yeah. George: My car's totaled. It's all his fault and now, he has absolutely no money. There is no way that he can pay me. So the judge decrees that he becomes my butler. Jerry: Your butler? George: Right. He cooks my food, he cleans my house, he does all my shopping for me. And there you go, that's your program. Jerry: What about me? George: Don't worry, we'll find something for you. (Knock of Jerry's door) Jerry: (Getting the door) That's the stupidest idea I ever heard. Sentenced to be a butler. (Elaine, Marla, and an injured Ping are at the door) Ping, what happened? Elaine: There was a bit of an accident. Ping: Head hurts. Head really hurts. Jerry: What happened? Elaine: Marla and I went out for coffee and afterwards I was crossing the street and he was biking right towards me. So I got out of the way just in time, but then he ran into a parked car. He hit his head and everything went flying. George: Something happened to the food? Ping: I only saved one bag. Jerry: Should I call an ambulance? Do you wanna see a doctor? Marla: I'll get some ice. George: (After looking in the bag) The pea pods? All you saved was the pea pods? (Kramer enters) Kramer: Hey, you got the food? Jerry: Yeah, here. Kramer: What took you so long? Hey, Ping! Ping: Kramer. (Kramer and George sit on the couch) Kramer: Yeah. Where's yours? George: He dropped it. Kramer: Oh, that's too bad. Elaine: You should slow down, you know that? It's dangerous to go that fast. Ping: No, no. I have green light. You jaywalked. Kramer: (To Jerry) Hey, you watchin' Oprah? Elaine: (To Ping) I did not jaywalk. Jerry: (To George) You're givin' him back that TV. Ping: (To Elaine) Yes, you jaywalked. Kramer: (To Jerry) No, I don't want it back. Ping: (To Elaine) Jaywalker. I could slap suit on you. George: (To Jerry) We got work to do. What about the meeting? Kramer: (To himself) Hey, look. An hour with Patrick Swayze. Jerry: A month and a half we had. We did nothing. I can't believe we put it off until today and then we couldn't do anything because Elaine runs out to apologize to a virgin, crosses against a light, and knocks over a Chinese delivery boy. Now we're gonna make fools of ourselves, we got nothing. You're not even in show business. I gotta reputation. You drag me into the sewer with you. I've been on TV buddy boy. You know how fast word spreads in show business? It's like that (Snaps in George's face) , like that! One bad impression, you're outta the business! George: All right, let's postpone it. Let's get out of here. Jerry: What do you mean? They know we're here. George: I'll fake an illness. (Acts it out) My back! My back! I can't believe, my back. Jerry: No, no, would you get up? George: I can do this, Jerry. Jerry: No. George: All right, I'll tell them my sister died. (Starts fake crying) My poor sister died. She was standing and then she was laughing and then they SHOT her! That's the kind of sick city that we're livin' in. They shoot you for laughing. I must go and comfort my poor family. Jerry, take me home so I can comfort my... my poor family. Jerry: What? George: That's David Letterman. I just saw David Letterman walk by. I'll be right back. (He exits) Woman: Mr. Seinfeld, they're ready for you. (She exits) Jerry: Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon to his star. (Jerry enters meeting) Man #1: Hey, Jerry. Jerry: Hi, how are you doing? Nice to see you all here. Hello. Rita: Hello, Jerry. I'm Rita Kearson. Jerry: Oh, uh, nice to meet you. Where's Russell? Rita: He, uh, had to go to LA. There's a problem on the set of Blossom. Jerry: Oh, poor Blossom. (He sits) Rita: Anyway, he asked me to sit in for him. Man #2: Where's George? Jerry: Oh, he ran to say something to David Letterman. Susan: David Letterman's on the floor? Jerry: Yeah, he just walked by. Rita: Well, I think we should get started anyway. Jerry: Yeah, good idea. Rita: So how are you guys comin' along? Jerry: Good, good, we've got a lot of ideas. Rita: Good. (Pause) Jerry: Have you ever been to a Chinese restaurant and they tell you it'll be, like, five minutes for a table and you wind up waitin' there for, like, thirty minutes? Well, we thought it would be very funny to do an entire show where all you're doin' is waitin' for the table. (They don't seem to like it) Because we've all been in that situation. You know, you're waiting... and you're hungry... and you bump into somebody you know... When is Russell coming back? Rita: So that's the idea? Jerry: Well no, that's one. We have many others. We have an idea where, uh, I get into an accident with a guy who has no insurance and the judge sentences him to be my butler. (Everyone laughs) You know he cooks for me, he has to cook for me... He cleans my house, he's doin' my shopping, you know? I'm walkin' around with one of those big neck collars. Man #2: Those collars are funny! Man #1: Once you see someone in those collars you start laughing immediately. (George enters) George: You tellin' 'em about the butler story? Is that beautiful or what? Hey, sorry I'm late. (Looks at Rita) Russell? Rita: I'm Rita Kearson. George: Oh, Rita. Hey, Mr. Shermack, how're you doing, good to see you. Jay, always a pleasure. (To Susan) Sweetie. (Kisses her and then sits down next to Jerry) Yeah, yeah, that butler idea, that's beautiful. Isn't that killer? (Aside to Jerry) I thought I was getting the butler. Jerry: Don't worry, uh, we'll find something for you. Jerry: So Letterman didn't spark to your idea, huh? George: No, he said there was nothing he could do, and next time I should probably break the Prozacs in half. Kramer: You, you guys wanna hold it down? I'm watchin' Jeopardy. Jerry: Would you give him the TV back? Kramer: Oh, by the way, George. Susan called for you a minute ago. George: I bet they're probably doing summersaults about us over there. You think they get butler stories like that everyday? (He calls Susan) Kramer: (To the TV) Who is Joseph Cotton? Giddee up! Susan: Hello? George: Hi, it's me. It's Georgie Boy. What's going on? Susan: What's going on? What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. I'm fired! George: Fired? Why? Susan: Because you kissed me. You kissed me, you stupid idiot! Rita called Russell and he fired me over the phone. Kramer: (To the TV) What is pi? Ooh! Giddee up again. George: But I had no... I didn't realize. Susan: You didn't realize? How could you not realize? You're stupid! You're a stupid, stupid man! George: I just feel terrible This is just terrible. Kramer: (To the TV once again) What is the cha-cha? Ooh, yes indeed. Susan: I'll speak to you later. George: (Hangs up phone and pauses) this is great! He fired her! This is incredible, he fired her. I'm out, baby! I'm out! Jerry: Why did he fire her? George: Because I kissed her in the meeting. Russell found out, he fired her over the phone. Finally, my stupidity pays off! Kramer: What is here comes the judge, here comes the judge! Jerry: You can't break up with her now. Her life is shattered. You got her fired. You gotta be there for her. George: What? Jerry: You gotta at least wait until she gets another job. George: Another job? Jerry: Couple of interviews. George: Oh, this is unbelievable. I'm stuck. Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in. Marla: Are you gonna leave after its over? You know, if we have sex. Jerry: What? Leave? Where? Why? Marla: You know, the apartment. Jerry: Why would I leave? This is my apartment. Marla: Well what if it was my apartment? Jerry: Who gave you this idea I would wanna leave? Marla: Well Elaine said men like to leave after it's over. Jerry: Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock into what Elaine has to say about relationships. She comes from a broken home, and I mean that literally. A tree fell on her roof and cracked the whole structure. Her parents got along beautifully, but her house was in bad shape. Marla: Maybe I should get going. Jerry: What else did you say to her? Elaine: Nothin'. I was just givin' her the straight dope. Jerry: More like a dope was giving it to her straight. Another cup of coffee with you, she'll wind up in a convent. Elaine: Listen, there was a lot more I could've told her, believe me. Jerry: What is that about leaving after sex? Did I ever leave with you? Elaine: You might've if I'd stayed. So you know what? I got served with papers today. Ping is suing me. I need your virgin as a witness. You better be nice to her. Jerry: I was trying to be. Elaine: Look at George. (On the other side of the restaurant) He lucked out, huh? Jerry: Oh, you're not kiddin'. Who'd 've figured Susan would break up with him? They had a good thing going. Elaine: Yeah, since she met him she's been vomited on, her family cabin's been burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going. George: What do I do? Well actually, I'm a writer. In fact, I'm writing a comedy pilot for NBC right now. Woman: A sitcom? How can you write that crap? Carol, this guy's writing a sitcom. Carol: A sitcom? Come on, let's go. (They leave) Woman: A sitcom. Can you imagine? And he actually tried to use it to hit on me!

[Setting: Monk's Coffee shop] Jerry: (To Elaine) Let me ask you a question. Elaine: Mm-hm. Jerry: You're a hostage, captured by terrorists- Elaine: (Smiling, chewing) Who, me? Jerry: You, anybody - whatever. You're in the little room, you're chained to the floor, you're there for a long time.. do you think they would ever consider doing the laundry? Elaine: (Matter-of-factly) They have to, it's in the Geneva Convention. Kramer: (Imitating a Turkish terrorist) You! Take off your socks, your pants, your underwear. We're doing the wash. C'mon! Take it off, take it off! Kramer: Hey, Georgie. Jerry And Elaine: Hi. Jerry: (To George) What's the matter? George: (Slowly shakes his head) My mother caught me. Jerry: "Caught" you? Doing what? George: You know. (All three give him blank stares) I was alone.. Elaine: (Making a face of surprise) You mean..?! George: (Nods) Uh-huh. Kramer: (Laughing) She caught you? Jerry: Where? George: (Not really wanting to embellish) ..I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes.. Nobody was there - they're supposed to be working. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying the story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through it.. Jerry: "Glamour"? George: ..So, one thing lead to another.. Jerry: So, what did she do? George: First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!" And it looked like she was gonna faint - she started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it. Krmaer: (Reflecting on the story so far) Man.. George: I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up. Jerry: What did you do? George: I zipped up! Elaine: (Wide-eyed) So, she fell? George: Yeah. (Noticing this makes him out to be the bad kid, he gets defensive) Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was! Elaine: No, I guess you couldn't have.. Jerry: (In the middle of Elaine's sentence, smiling) No, I wouldn't think so. Elaine: (Finishing it off) ..done that. George: So, she fell, and then she started screaming, "My back! My back!" So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital. Elaine: (Between chuckles) How is she? George: (Somewhat angered) She's in traction. Elaine: (Still laughing) Ok, I'm sorry. George: It's not funny, Elaine. Elaine: (Stifling her laughter) I know. I'm sorry. I'm serious. George: Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of days. All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George, why?!".. I said, "Because it's there!" Jerry: "Glamour"? George: (Vowing) Well, I'll tell you this, though - I am never doing.. that , again. Elaine: What, you mean, in your mother's house, or all together? George: (Definite) All together. Elaine: Oh, gimme a break.. Jerry: (Skeptical) Ohhh yeah.. right. Kramer: Oh, like you're gonna stop? Jerry And Elaine: C'mon.. George: You don't think I can? Jerry: No chance. George: (Daring) You think you could? Jerry: Well, I know I could hold out longer than you. George: Care to make it interesting? Jerry: Sure, how much? George: A hundred dollars. Jerry: (Pointing) You're on. Kramer: (Butting in) Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this. (Clicks his tongue) Jerry: You? Kramer: Yeah. Jerry: You'll be out before we get the check. Elaine: (Smiling) I want to be in on this, too. George And Jerry: (Rejecting) Ohh, no. No, no, no.. Elaine: Why? Jerry: (Showing difference) It's apples and oranges.. Elaine: What? Why? (More 'no, no, no's from Jerry and George. Persistent) Why? Jerry: Because you're a woman! Elaine: So what? Jerry: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man. Elaine: (Sarcastic) Oh. Jerry: We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh.. shaving. Elaine: Oh, that is such bologna. I shave my legs. Kramer: (Making a point) Not everyday. George: Alright, look, you want to be in? Elaine: Yeah! George: You gotta give us odds. At least two to one - you gotta put up two-hundred dollars. Kramer: No, a thousand! Elaine: No, I'll - I'll put up one-fifty. George: Alright, you're in for one-fifty. Jerry: (Nodding) Okay, one-fifty. George: Alright, now, how are we gonna monitor this thing? Jerry: Well, obviously, we all know each other very well, (Elaine slightly laughs) I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable within the confines of the honor system. Kramer: Alright. (Holds out his pinkie at the center of the table) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] George: (Stern) No, ma, I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist. N- I don't care if you do pay for it! No! Discussion over. Yeah, alright, I'll see you later. Yes, of course I'm gonna come by. Alright. (Hangs up, slamming it down on the coffee table. He sits down next to Jerry) My mother wants me to see a psychiatrist now. Why?! Because she caught me? (Scoffs, shaking his head) You know, if everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist.. (Laughing, he snorts) Jerry: (Waits for the rest of the sentence) ..Yeah? George: (Defensively) Whatever. Jerry: How is she? George: (Shrugging it off) She'll be fine. I gotta go to the hospital to see her tonight. Jerry: (Answering to the intercom) Yeah? Elaine: It's me. Jerry: Come on up. (Lets her in by unlocking the front door) George: Hey, what are you doing tonight? Jerry: (Opens his door slightly for Elaine) Dating Marla. George: Oh, the virgin? Jerry: Yeah. George: Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest? Jerry: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead. Kramer: Hey, look at this, c'mere. There's a naked woman across the street. Jerry: Where? Kramer: Second floor from the top. (Pointing) See the window on the left? George: (In awe) Wow! Jerry: (Also amazed) Who walks around the house like that?! George: (Suggesting) Maybe she's a nudist. You know, those nudist colony people.. Kramer: ..Yeah.. (Pause) yeah.. (Slowly stands up, and walks out Jerry's apartment - leaving Jerry and George with the view, he shuts the door behind him) Jerry: Hey, let me ask you a question. In these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room? George: I would imagine it's all naked. Jerry: What about the chamber maids? Are they naked, too? George: (Still focused on the nudist) They're naked, the gardeners naked.. the bellhops. (Jerry makes a noise of astonishment) One big nude-a-rama. Elaine: Hey. Jerry And George: (Only turning back for a second) Hey. Elaine: Well, (Smiling) where's my money? Who caved? Jerry: (Over his shoulder) Not me. George: (Also, over his shoulder) Not me. Elaine: What're you looking at? Jerry: There's a naked woman across the street. Elaine: (Smiling, chuckling) This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. (Moving on to a new topic) So, my fried, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight. Jerry: (Commenting) Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back. Elaine: (Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying attention) So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars. Jerry: (Still staring at the woman) Uh-huh. George: Have a good time. Kramer: (Declaring) I'm out! Elaine: What?! Kramer: Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest. George: You're out?! Kramer: Yeah, yeah.. (Notes their reactions) what? Elaine: Well, that was fast! Jerry: Well, it was that woman across the street. (To Jerry) You know, you better be careful, buddy. She's gonna get you next. (Walks out, shutting the door behind him) Elaine: ..And then there were three. [Setting: Hospital room] Estelle: I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing better to do at three o' clock in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk, I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park! George: (Stern, trying to shut her up) Ma. Estelle: Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing I didn't hit the table. I could of cracked my head open. George: Ma, people can hear you. Estelle: (Heavy in sarcasm) Too bad you can't do that for a living. You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of people could watch you! You could be a big star! George: (Getting up) Alright, Ma, that's enough! Estelle: I want you to go see a psychiatrist. George: No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist! Estelle: Why? Why not?! Why won't you go? George: (Like a kid) Because I don't want to. Estelle: I want you to go see somebody. George: Well, I am not going. Estelle: It's a good thing your father's in Chicago. Shelly: Hello, Aunt Estelle. Look at you - how did this happen? George: (Snapping) Is that important, really? What is this, a police investigation? The woman's been through enough. She has to relive the experience now?! Nurse: Hi, Denise. Six-thirty, time for your sponge bath. Denise: Mmm.. is it six-thirty already? I fell asleep. Shelly: (Seems not to notice what's going on beyond the divider) So, George, what are you doing now? I hear you got some kinda television, writing - thing? George: (Slowly backing away, he's not at all committed to the conversation) Yeah.. television. Nurse: Let me help you out with that. Here, just slip it over your head.. Denise: Oh.. thank you. Shelly: (Nodding) Well, it's about time. We thought you were gonna wind up on the street. (As the bath is going on, George is now completely mesmerized) What is it you're doing, exactly? Estelle: George, you're cousin, Shelly, is talking to you! [Setting: New York Health Club] Joyce: So, when was the last time you took a class? Elaine: Oh, it's been a while. Joyce: (Overly excited) Are you psyched? Elaine: (Fake excitement) Yeah. yeah, I'm really.. psyched. Joyce: Well, you're gonna thank me for getting you in here. Elaine: Why is that? Joyce: (Pointing, she directs Elaine's attention off-camera) See the guy with the dark hair and the red shorts? Elaine: (Between breaths) Oh, my God. (Joyce nods) John F. Kennedy Junior's here! Joyce: He's gonna be in your class today. Elaine: (Still unable to speak right) In my class? John Kennedy's gonna be in my class?! Joyce: I can get you a spot right behind him. He has got a great butt. Elaine: Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's butt. [Setting: Jerry's car] Marla: Let's slow it down a little. Jerry: "Slow it down"? Marla: Well, (Reminding him of her virginity) You know.. Jerry: Ah, yeah.. I know. Marla: You're okay with that, right? Jerry: Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you think I care about the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn't mean anything to me. (Faint) I don't care about that. Marla: So, I'll see you Saturday night, then? Jerry: (Smiling, nodding) Sure, Saturday night. Marla: Alright, then. Good night. Jerry: Goodnight. (She gets out. Jerry leans forward, adding) Not just a good night - a great night. (She shuts the door, he waves) [Setting: Jerry's bedroom] [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Kramer: (Singing) Goood Moorrrnninng! Jerry: (Out of it) Yeah, good morning. Kramer: Ha, ha! Nothing like some good solid sack time. (Turns toward Jerry's window) Jerry: She's not there. She's doin' her wash. Kramer: (Turning back to Jerry) Oh. So, did you make it through the night? Jerry: (Over the top) Yes, I'm proud to say I did! Kramer: So, you're still master of your domain. Jerry: (Nodding) Yes. Yes I am. (Kramer chuckles) Master of my domain. But I will tell you this I am going over to (Gestures to the nudist) her apartment, and I'm tellin' her to put those shades down! Kramer: Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you just say? Jerry: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I' here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give! Kramer: Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! (Jerry puts on his coat) This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- I'm not gonna let you do it. Jerry: (Persistent) Well, I'm doin' it, get out of my way. Kramer: (Stopping him) No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, looking through our bedroom windows, we would think "Why can't there be a woman out there, taking her clothes off?" And now that wish's come true, and you want to (Makes a noise) throw it away?! Jerry: Look, I'm sorry- Kramer: No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry. Jerry: Kramer, (Trying to pass him) get outta my way! Kramer: (Frantic) No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! For my sake! God knows I don't ask you for much! (Pleading) Now, come on. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm beggin' ya! Please! (Claps hands) Come on! Please! Jerry: Alright.. (Takes his coat off) Kramer: Yes! Jerry: ..Alright. Kramer: (Moving to the window) Thank you, thank you, thank you. (Sits in Jerry's chair, looking out the window) Jerry: She's not there! Kramer: Oh, I can wait.. [Setting: Monk's Coffee shop] Jerry: So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath? George: Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous.. then I got a look at the patient.. (Laughs, then snorts) I was going nuts. Jerry: Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital. George: (Fake sympathy) Well, my mother, Jerry.. Jerry: (Pointing) But are you still master of your domain? George: (Arms out) I am king of the county. You? Jerry: Lord of the manor. Elaine: John F. Kennedy Jun-ya! Jerry: What? Elaine: (Smiling) He was in my aerobics class. Jerry: Really? Did you talk to him? Elaine: No, you don't understand - he was working out right in front of me. So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at the exact same moment, and he says to me, (Thinking the world of what he said) "Quite a workout." George: "Quite a workout"? What did you say? Elaine: (Smiling, proud) I said, "yeah." Jerry: (Adding, fake praise) Good one. Elaine: So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, and I saw him again, on the way out. (Giddy and nearly out of breath) So we're walkin' and talkin', and he asked me my name - and I think I said Elaine - but, I mean, who the hell knows.. And so then, he says to me "Do you wanna split a cab uptown?" And I said, "Sure" - even though I was going downtown. So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right? But this is John F. Kennedy Junior we're talkin' about! (Deep breath) So, then, he says to me, "Where do you live?" And I - and I - and I was close to your block, so I said your building. So he dropped me off in front, (Laughs) and I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house.. (Picks up a glass of cold water and presses it up to her forehead to cool her off) Oh, God.. Jerry: But the question is, are you still master of your domain? Elaine: (Sets the glass down) I'm queen of the castle. (Pops a piece of food into her mouth) [Setting: Estelle's hospital room] Estelle: You're back. George: Of course I'm back. Why wouldn't I be back? My mother's in the hospital, I'm going to pay her a visit. Estelle: I know, but two days in a row? You didn't have to do this. George: You're my mother! What wouldn't I do for you? Estelle: You know what you could do? I haven't eaten lunch or dinner. I can't eat this hospital food. Maybe you could run down to the deli and get me a sandwich.. George: (Smiling) You got it, Ma. (She smiles back, nodding) A little later. (George sits back in a nearby chair, looking at the divider in anticipation) Estelle: (Let down) Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry. I'm weak. George: Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference? Estelle: I don't understand why you can't do this for me! George: (Standing up) I just got here, Ma! I'd like to spend a little time with you. Estelle: But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over! George: Ten minutes! Here, here, (Fishes a box of Tic-Tacs out of his coat pocket and tosses them to her) Have some Tic-Tacs. Estelle: Get the hell outta here. (Angrily sets them aside) I'm sorry you came. Nurse: (To patient) Six-thirty. Time for your sponge bath. Estelle: George.. I'm huuunnnggry! George: (Muttering, slow) Hang on, Ma.. hang on.. [Setting: New York Health Club] Joyce: Hi! Elaine: Hi. Joyce: Did you get your hair done today? Elaine: No, I just, uh, fixed it.. a little bit. (Still looking around, she quickly checks her breath) Joyce: You know who - isn't here. He was in the early class today. (Elaine looses her composure) But I think you made quite an impression on him yesterday. Elaine: (Regarding herself) What? What? Who? Me-me-me? I made an impression? What impression? Joyce: Let me just put this back. (Turns to put a stack of shorts away) Elaine: No! No! Now! Tell me now! What did he say?! Joyce: (Uneasy) He asked about you. Elaine: (Ecstatic) He asked about me? John Kennedy asked about me?! (Hangs off the side of the counter, both feet in the air) What did he say? Joyce: He wanted to know your situation. Elaine: (Quick) What situation? I have a situation? Joyce: I-I told him you were single. Elaine: That was good. That was very good. Joyce: He said you were just his type. Elaine: (Frank) Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? Are you tryin' to hurt - you're tryin' to injure me, right? You're trying to hurt me. Joyce: He also told me to tell you that he'll be in your neighborhood tomorrow around nine o' clock - so he's gonna stop in front of your building if you want to come down and say hello. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Jerry: Alright, Ma, I'll talk to you later.. Nothing, I'm, I'm watching, uh, Tiny Toons here, on Nickelodeon.. It's, I-I like kid shows. They have a very innocent, wholesome quality. Okay, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye. (Hangs up) Kramer: (Obviously watching the nudist across the street) Oh, that's good. That's good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's hot in there.. (Jerry looks back at Kramer in envy) It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's good.. yes, yes, yes.. Jerry: (Trying to block out Kramer, he starts to sing along with the TV) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus.. Kramer: The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on.. [Setting: George's room] [Setting: Jerry's apartment] George: All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee? Jerry: I don't keep real coffee in here, I get my coffee on the outside! (Intercom buzzes. He answers it) Yeah?! Elaine: (Through intercom) It's Elaine. Jerry: (Shouting) Come on up! (Opens his door for Elaine) George: Where did you get those socks? Jerry: I don't know. George: I think those are my socks! Jerry: How are these your socks?! George: I don't know, but those are my socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe, and now I don't have them anymore! Jerry: (Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that's right, well, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet. They looked so good to me, I just had to have them! George: Yeah, well, they're my socks! Jerry: They're my socks! George: Oh boy.. Jerry: What are we doing here.. George: ..Oh boy. Jerry: This is ridiculous. George: Do you believe this? We're fighting. We're fighting. Jerry: I haven't been myself lately. I've been snapping at everybody. George: Me too. I've been yelling at strangers on the street. Elaine: Hello.. (Pulls a wad of bills out of her purse, and starts to count it up) George: (Shocked) You caved?! Jerry: It's over? George: You're out? Jerry: Ohh-my-God. The Queen is dead. George: I figured you'd cruise. At least through the Spring. Jerry: What happened? Elaine: It was..uh.. John-John. Jerry And George: Ohhhhh.. John-John. Jerry: But you made it through the day before. Elaine: Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce, the aerobics teacher, that he wants to meet me outside here at nine o' clock tonight. Jerry: Why outside here? Elaine: Because he think I live here. Remember when we shared a cab, and he dropped me off out in front? He's picking me up. Jerry: Alright, Costanza - it's just you and me. George: And then, (Smacks the money) there were two. Elaine: (Slowly) Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior.. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Marla: Let's go in the bedroom. Jerry: Really? Marla: Yes. Jerry: You sure? Marla: Yes. Jerry: You really want to? Marla: I do. I'm ready. Jerry: Okay.. Marla: I know how difficult this must have been for you. Jerry: (Chuckles) You don't know the half of it. Marla: What do you mean? Jerry: Well, it's kinda silly, but.. Marla: Contest?! A contest! This is what you do with your friends? Jerry: No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually started with George and his mother- Marla: I don't want to hear another word. And to think how close I came to you being the one! I must have been out of my mind. Elaine: Marla? Hi, oh, I'm glad I ran into you- Marla: I don't want to have anything to do with you or your perverted friends. (Confused, Elaine moves closer) Ooohh, get away from me! You're horrible. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Elaine: What happened? Jerry: I told her about the contest. Elaine: Ohh. Boy, she's a whack-o. George: (To Elaine) Hey, what happened? Elaine: What? George: I thought you were meeting Kennedy. Elaine: (Let down) He didn't show. George: Yeah, he did. Elaine: What? He's - He's out there? Oh, my God. I-I gotta go, I gotta go.. George: No, no, no. He just left. Elaine: What? George: Yeah, he was talking to Marla. Jerry: Marla? George: Yeah, I think, you know, she was, like, crying, and he was consoling her, and then, she, uh, just got into his car, and they just drove away. Elaine: (Angered) He left with Marla, the virgin? George: Yeah. Elaine: They drove away? George: Yeah, drove away.. You know, I said 'Hello' to him. You know, he's - he's- Jerry: (Moving to the window, shocked) Oh my God in heaven! Elaine: (Makes a sound of surprise) Is that..? George: Kramer?! Elaine: He's waving.. [Setting: Elaine's bedroom] Marla: Ohh, John. That was wonderful..

Elaine: Bah bah baaah, Boo doo bah bah bah, boo doo waaaah, waah, waaaah... Jerry: Hey, could you do me a favour? [pause] Could you shut-up? Elaine: Hey guess what? This window doesn't work. Jerry: I hate rental cars. Nothin' ever works the window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker... [pause] Or is that you? Elaine: Gimme ten bucks and find out... Jerry: So, this worked out pretty good. Them givin' me an extra ticket, y'know, you get a free trip to St. Louis, I did my gig, you got to see your sister... Elaine: Yeah, worked out good. Jerry: And here's the beauty- Elaine: What? Jerry: George is pickin' us up at the airport. Elaine: Get out of here! Why? Jerry: You know that awning outside my building? Elaine: Yeah... Jerry: He's always bragging about his vertical leap, so I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't touch the awning. Elaine: So what happened? Jerry: He didn't come within two feet of the thing. He's wavin at it... So, I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he wouldn't have to pay me anything. Elaine: Hey, how we doin' on time? Jerry: Timed out perfectly. Drop off the car, pick up the rental car shuttle, we walk right on the plane... Elaine: Hey! Wait up! Jerry: Hey! Wait up! Driver: Sorry. Heh heh heh... Skycap: Where you goin'? Jerry: Uh, JFK. [To Elaine] I need some small bills for a tip. You got anything? Elaine: Yeah, you want five? Jerry: Gimme ten. Elaine: You're giving him *ten* dollars? Jerry: Well, we got three bags. Elaine: That's a pretty big tip... Jerry: That's what they get! Elaine: They don't get that much. Jerry: Let's ask him. Elaine: We can't ask him... Jerry: Let's see what he says. Elaine: Jerry, we don't have time for this... Jerry: Two seconds. [To Skycap] Excuse me, my friend and I here, we were having a discussion and we were wondering what you usually get for a tip. Skycap: Depends on the person, depends on the bag. Jerry: Uh, how about a couple of people like us. Skycap: People like you? I wouldn't expect much, you don't even look like you know what you're doing... Jerry: C'mon, seriously... Skycap: Well, since you asked, usually, I get five dollars a bag. Elaine: What!? Skycap: That's right. Elaine: *Five* dollars a bag? I don't think so. Skycap: Look, you asked, I told you. Elaine: You got some nerve trying to take advantage of us... Jerry: All right, look, we're late. Thank you very much... Elaine: You're lucky I don't report you... Skycap: JFK... Skycap: ...Honolulu. Elaine: Wait up! Jerry: You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl- with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up! Jerry & Elaine: The flight's been canceled?!?! Ticket Lady: Everything into JFK's booked... No, wait- I have two seats into Laguardia- but they're not together. It's boarding right now. Jerry: We'll take 'em! Elaine: We're not going to sit together? Jerry: Well, so what? It's not that long- you'll read. Elaine: Well, what about George? He's supposed to pick us up at Kennedy. Jerry: We'll call him... Elaine: There's no time. Jerry: No time? [To ticket lady] Is there time? Ticket Lady: There's no time. Jerry: There's no time. All right, we'll call him from the plane. Ticket Lady: I have one seat in first class, and one in coach. The price is the same since your flight was canceled. (The Two Have That Uncomfortable Politeness That Only Comes About When You'Re Down To The Last Piece Of Pizza. Jerry Breaks The Silence: ) Jerry: I'll take the first class. Elaine: Jerry! Jerry: What? Elaine: Why should you get the first class? Jerry: Elaine, have you ever flown first class? Elaine: No. Jerry: All right then. See? You won't know what you're missing. I've flown first class, Elaine- I can't go back to coach. I can't... I won't... Elaine: You flew here coach. Jerry: Yeah, that's a point... Elaine: All right, fine. I don't care. If the plane crashes, everybody in first class is going to die, anyway. Jerry: Yeah, I'm sure you'll live. Attendant #1: Third row right... Attendant #1: Oh, you're in here, sir. Welcome aboard. Jerry: Bon voyage, Lainey! (Elaine Is Robbed Of Her Peek Into The First Class Section By A Drawn Curtain And She Goes To Her Seat. However, Someone Comes After Her And: ) Passenger #1: Oh, excuse me... Um, excuse me, miss, I think you're sitting in my seat... Passenger #1: I never check my bags- I can't stand that wait in the baggage area. Elaine: Great... [To herself] Help me... (Jerry Gets To His Seat, However, He Also Is In The Wrong Seat: ) Tia: Excuse me, I think you're in my seat... Jerry: Oh, sorry... My mistake... [To himself] Thank... *you*! George: Hey, thanks for coming with me. Kramer: Hey, what made you think you could touch that awning? George: I confused it with another awning. Kramer: So how we doin' on time? George: We're perfect. I timed this out so we would pull up at the terminal *exactly* 17 minutes after their flight is supposed to land. That gives them just enough time to get off the plane, pick up their bags and be walking *out* of the terminal as we roll up. I tell you, it's a thing of beauty. I can not express to you the feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup. (starts looking around) What's going on? What are you doing? The Long Island Expressway? What are you getting on the Long Island Expressway for? Do you know what the traffic will be like? This is a suicide mission! Kramer: Will you relax?! George: Oh, I had it perfectly timed out the Grand Central, the Van Wyck! You destroyed my whole timing! Kramer: This is the best way to go! George: Do you know what happens if I miss him? I don't get credit for the pickup and I lose my 50 bucks... Kramer: George, there's no traffic at this time. Now, come on, man... George: Really? Kramer: If anything, we'll probably get there early. I'll have a chance to go to the Duty Free shop. George: The Duty Free Shop? Duty Free is the biggest sucker deal in retail. Do you know how much duty is? Kramer: Duty. George: Yeah, "duty". Do you know how much duty is? Kramer: No, I dunno how much duty is. George: Duty is *nothing*. It's like sales tax... Kramer: I still like to stop at the duty free shop. George: I like to stop at the duty free shop. (They Start To "Sing", Growing More Excited After Each Iteration: ) George & Kramer: I like to stop at the duty free shop! Tia: So, he says, ``squeeze your breasts together'', and I say, ``I thought this was an ad for shoes''... Jerry: Oh my... Tia: Is that the new Esquire? Turn to page 146. Jerry: Wow! Coming out of the shower... It's a good thing they gave you that washcloth to cover yourself up... What is this an ad for? Tia: See those wrinkled jeans slung over the chair? Way in the background, out of focus? Jerry: Uh-huh... Kramer: How does it look on your side? [Pause while George just stares at him] We'll get there... Elaine: Oh, look at this... He's sleeping and I have to go to the bathroom. Maybe he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major organ? I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I'm doing for him... [To passenger on the other side of her, but still to herself] Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum- that's helpful. [On The Bright Side, Kramer And George Arrive At The Airport. They'Re Running To The Terminal: George: They're not here! You cost me fifty bucks! Kramer: Look at you! You run like a girl! Run like a man! Lift your knees! George: Look, we're wasting our time here! We're a half-hour late, they've probably took it off the board already. Kramer: No, there it is, right there- 133... and it's canceled. George: Canceled? Do I still get credit for the pick up? I was here! Kramer: Ok, c'mon... let's go check over at the ticket counter. Grossbard: Oh, there it is honey, gate 18A, 830... [He leaves] Kramer: Did you see that guy? George: No... What guy? Kramer: That guy.. He was just... George: Listen, you go over to the ticket counter, I'm going to go stop in the gift shop and pick up a copy of Time magazine. There's supposed to ba blurb about Jerry in it and I think he mentioned my name! Kramer: [still lost] I know that guy... Prisoner: Gotta get my Time magazine... Never miss my Time magazine. Guard: Yeah, get your magazine and let's get out of here. Prisoner: Hey, I was gonna take that! George: Gee, I'm sorry... I got here first. Prisoner: I don't care when you got here, I want the magazine... George: You don't understand, there's a *blurb* about me in this magazine! Prisoner: A *blurb*?!? *You're* a blurb! Check out the cover, idiot! Guard: All right, let's go... Prisoner: I want the magazine! George: Umm... No. Prisoner: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles... George: But you are Blanche... You *are* in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my *Time* magazine! Laaaast copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow- in the park! It's supposed to be a beeyootiful day! Have a nice life... sentence, that is! Kramer: They're on a different flight. They're scheduled to land in a half hour, only at Laguardia. George: Laguardia? All right, let's go. C'mon... Kramer: Where do I know that guy from? Elaine: [To herself, loudly] Wake up, you human slug! Wake up! *Wake* *up*!! I can't hold it anymore! [To the slug out loud] Excuse me, I've gotta go to the bathroom... Jerry: Oh my... that *is* refreshing... Attendant: Would you care for some slippers? Jerry: Sounds lovely! [To Tia, motioning to put them on her] May I? Tia: Please! Jerry: Why, It's a perfect fit. You must be Cinderella. George: My name is not mentioned in this blurb... Kramer: It's Grossbard! George: Who's Grossbard? Kramer: When I lived on Third avenue and 18th street 20 years ago, I had this roommate who was *always* behind in his rent. Then one month, he asks me to loan him his share of the rent- 240 bucks! He took the cash and >pfffft< disappears. Well, I try to find him, I went to his girlfriend's house, even his family. Uh-uh. I never got the money back! He screwed me! And that's the guy- John Grossbard! George: Hey Kramer, c'mon- it was 240 bucks twenty years ago... Kramer: No, I'm gonna turn around... I'm gonna get that guy... George: No-no-no, Kramer. Kramer! Kramer! You *cannot* abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social contract. We... we must go forward... not back. [Elaine Is Still Waiting To Get Into The Bathroom-- There'S Someone In There. *Finally*, A Zz Top Reject Comes Out Of The Bathroom And, To Paraphrase Jerry In "The Smelly Car": ``I open the door, like a *punch* in the *face*, the stench hits me-''. Elaine takes in a lungful of air and goes in. Brave little soldier.] Jerry: Tia, did you see all the flowers in that bathroom? It's like an English garden in there. Attendant: They're gardenias, mostly. Jerry: I thought I smelled lilac. Attendant: Yes, there are a few of those, too... Tia: It's almost overwhelming... Captain: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Due to equipment problems at the runway at Laguardia, we've been instructed by the tower to re-route and land at JFK. We apologize for any inconvenience... Elaine: [To anyone who'll listen] What'd he say? What'd he say? George: Well, You're not gonna believe it... Kramer: What? George: The plane's been re-routed *back* to Kennedy. We've got 45 minutes. Kramer: Let's go. Listen to the bell, Grossbard- it tolls for thee. Attendant: We have some *delicious* Chateau Briande, my personal favourite. Or, if you prefer something lighter, a poached Dover sole in a delicate white wine sauce with just a *hint* of saffron. Jerry: Oh, saffron! That sounds good. Attendant: And today we're featuring wines from the *Tuscany* region... Jerry & Tia: Tuscany! Elaine: Hi. Can I get to my seat? Attendant: You're just gonna have to wait... Elaine: But you just passed it. I'm sitting right there next to that guy... Attendant: You're not supposed to get up during the food service. Elaine: Well, nobody *told* me that! Attendant: Look. This plane is *full*. I got a lot of people to serve. Now please... You're just gonna have to wait. George: There it is. Gate 46... We got plenty of time. Kramer: Grossbard's plane leaves in ten minutes. I *still* got time to catch him! George: How you gonna catch him? He's probably boarded the plane already. Kramer: Gimme your credit card. George: My credit card? Kramer: Just gimme the card, don't ask me any questions. George: I'm not gonna give you my card unless you tell me what it's for! Kramer: I'm gonna buy a ticket- I'm gonna get on that flight. George: What, are you, nuts? You're gonna spend more on the ticket than you're gonna get back from Grossbard. Kramer: No, I'm not gonna use the ticket! I'm gonna get my money, I'll get off the plane and turn your ticket in for a refund. It's not gonna cost you a dime! Now gimme the card. George: This is a *great* idea! Here... use this one. I get frequent flyer miles with every purchase... Wait! Get two tickets. As long as your turning it in for a refund what's the difference? I'll get *double* the bonus miles. Elaine: Excuse me. I'm sorry to make you do this, but I got stuck in the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't let me get through. There's no way to get around that cart... Passenger #1: You're not supposed to get up during the food service. Elaine: I'll try and remember that. [Pause] Where's my meal? Passenger #1: He asked me where you were, and you were gone so long I thought you, uh, switched seats. Elaine: Excuse me? Excuse me, but I didn't get a meal. Attendant: Are you sure? Elaine: Yes, I'm sure! I would know if a tray of food had been served to me. Attendant: Would you? Well, the only meal left is a kosher meal. Elaine: Kosher meal? I don't want a kosher meal. I don't even know what a kosher meal is. Passenger #1: I think it means when a Rabbi has inspected it, or something. Passenger #2: No, no. It all has to do with the way they kill the pig. Passenger #1: They don't eat pigs! Passenger #2: They do if it's killed right- under a Rabbi's supervision. Passenger #3: Oh, You know what? *I* ordered the kosher meal. Elaine: Then why didn't you take it? Passenger #3: I ordered it six weeks ago, I forgot. Elaine: You're eating my food! Attendant: Look, I got earplugs to collect. Do you want it, or not. Jerry & Tia: Mmmmmmmm! Tia: This is the best sundae I've ever had. Jerry: Oh, man. You know what... they got the fudge on the bottom- y'see? That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're eatin' your ice cream. Tia: I've never met a man who knew so much about nothing. Jerry: Thank you... Jerry & Tia: Mmmmmm! Attendant: More anything? Jerry: More everything! Kramer: Look, I got Super Savers! C'mon. George: Super Savers? Are they refundable!? George: You bought non-refundable tickets, you idiot! Kramer: She talked me in to it- she said it was the best deal. George: Do you know how much this is going to cost me? Kramer: Look, I'll tell you what- I'll split it with you George: Look, I'm gonna go to the bathroom... Attendant: Excuse me... Excuuuse me... Elaine: What? Oh, no... nothing for me thanks. Attendant: What is your name? Elaine: Elaine Benes? Attendant: [Checks her list] You're going to have to go back to coach. Elaine: No, but there was nobody sitting here... Attendant: Yes, but you're still not allowed. These seats are very expensive. Elaine: Oh, no, please, don't send me back there. Please, I'll do anything. It's so nice up here. It's so comfortable up here. I don't want to go back there. Please don't send me back there... [She notices another attendant offering goods] Oh, you got *cookies*! Attendant: You're going to have to go back to your seat! Elaine: Ok, fine. I'll go back... You know, our goal should be a society *without* *classes*! [She goes through the curtain to, ick, *coach*] Do you realise that the people up here are getting *cookies*! Jerry: What is all the racket back there? You know, you're trying to relax on the plane and this is what you have to put up with. [To attendant] What is going on? Attendant: Sir, this woman tried to *sneak* into first class. Jerry: Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem is, that curtain is no security- there really should be a locking door. Kramer: Hey! That guy owes me 240 bucks! Jerry: Couldn't be... Jerry: Where are they already? I don't see them anywhere... I got my bags, I'm ready to go. Elaine: Yeah, *you* got *your* bags... Elaine: The worst flight I have been on in my entire life. Jerry: Yeah, me too... Tia: I'll call you. Jerry: Okay... [To a bamboozled Elaine] It's a business thing... Kramer: You guys ready? Jerry: Yeah. Where's George? George: (can't be heard but looks like) Kramer!

George: I loved her Jerry, I loved her. Jerry: No, you didn't. George: And she loved me. Hoo, ho, she really did. Jerry: No she didn't. George: What am I going to do now? I can't live without Susan. I gotta get her back. How? How, am I gonna get her back? Elaine: [OC] Not only didn't you love her, you didn't even like her. George: Who says? Elaine: You did. George: Ah, ...A beautiful successful intelligent woman's in love with me and I throw it all away. uh oh boy. Now I'll spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment watching basketball games, eating Chinese take out. Walking around with no underwear. Because I'm too lazy to do a laundry. Jerry: You walk around with no underwear? George: Yeah, what do you do when you run out of laundry? Jerry: I do a wash. George: Who am I going to meet who is better than her? No one, Jerry. No one's better than her. Jerry: When you were with her you said you couldn't stand her. George: I loved her! Jerry: You said goin up the steps of her apartment was like being taken to a cell. George: I would give anything to be going up those stairs again. George: I gotta call her. Should I call her? Jerry: George, I don't know if that is such a good idea? George: Whyie? Jerry: You need some professional advice. Why don't you go see Elaine's friend? She's a therapist. George: I'm not going to see that nut doctor she went to Europe with. Jerry: No, no no [Elaine enters, flossing teeth] Elaine what's the name of that friend of yours ... that's a therapist ... the woman. Elaine: Dana Folley. Jerry: Right, Dana Folley. George: She any good? Elaine: Yeah, she's terrific. Why? You thinking of going? George: Wa, uh, ... Elaine: Tia? Who's that? Jerry: She's the model I met on the plane. Elaine: She sent you a Christmas card? Jerry: Um uh. And we're going out Saturday night. George: My Darling Susan! My DARLING!!! Jerry: What are you doing? Elaine: ... date with Fred. Jerry: The religious guy? Elaine: He's not THAT religious. Jerry: Let us pray. Kramer: Hey, you got any Double Crunch? Jerry: Yeah. Jerry: Kramer, should I call Susan? Kramer: Now what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man. George: My little man doesn't know. Kramer: The little man knows all. George: My little man's an idiot. Elaine: See, she was clever. You know she put her picture on a card. I should do that. I never do anything like that. Kramer: You want a picture like that on a Christmas card? I can do that for you. ... George: She kept such a nice clean apartment. She was so sanitary. Elaine: No, no, I was just thinking out loud I don't want my picture on a card. Kramer: No, no, I'll take your picture. I'll take care of everything. George: She made a big breakfast every Sunday. I don't know what she put in those eggs. Kramer: All right, ... now, you come on over. I'll have my cereal and I'll take your picture. Elaine: Really? Can you really take a picture? Jerry: Yeah, he's good. He takes good pictures. He's got equipment over there. Elaine: All right, ha ha Kramer: I don't know about that outfit though. Elaine: Why? What's wrong with it? Kramer: Well, we'll have to improvise. George: (singing) Oh hey, if you happen to see the most beautiful girl who walked out on me. Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her I need my baby ... oh won't you tell her ... I love her. Oh hey, ... Jerry: George I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Jerry: So, I'm thinking of putting in na tropical fish tank right here. Tia: Are you sure you're ready for that kind of comitment? Jerry: Well, I figure if it doesn't work out I can always flush them down the toilet. Tia: That's horrible! Jerry: What's that perfume you're wearing? Tia: oh I completely forgot I want you to see this. The CALVIN KLEIN ad I was telling you about came out today. Jerry: What is that smell? Tia: It's here somewhere. Jerry: It smells like the beach. Tia: Exactly. Jerry: Oh my God is that the new perfume? Tia: Yeah. Jerry: I can't believe this. My next door neighbour had the idea for this exact perfume last year. He even met with an executive at CALVIN KLEIN. I can't believe they stole his idea. Tia: Are you sure? Jerry: And you're the model for this perfume? Jerry: Uh, that's him. He just came home. ... Uh, the door [Jerry pushes his door against Kramer's entrance] Kramer: Hey Jerry: Hey. Kramer: Hey, how ya' doing? [Trying to enter] Jerry: Yeah, uh, I'll see you later. Kramer: I just wanted to borrow your Dust Buster. Jerry: All right come on in. ... Just wait over HERE! Just wait here and I'll get it for you. ... Kramer this is Tia. Kramer: Hello. Kramer: How tall are you? Tia: Five ten. Kramer: Come on lets see - Back to Back. Jerry: NO! Kramer! Kramer: What's the matter with you? I just wanted to see how tall she was. Jerry: Oh, you're tall - she's tall I'm tall. What's the difference who's tall. We're all tall. Kramer: What's that? Jerry: What? Kramer: That smell. What's that smell? Jerry: (starting the Dust Buster) What smell? Kramer: It's very familiar. I can't put my finger on it. It's very familiar. Jerry: Oh, they're all the same. Here. [gives him Dust Buster] Now if you'll excuse us, .. Kramer: Yeah, okay, So I'll see you tomorrow uh? Jerry: Okay. Kramer: Yeah. Nice meeting you. Tia: Nice meeting you too. Jerry: I'll see you later. Jerry: Ooow, that was close. Kramer: [OC] THE BEACH!!! Kramer: You smell like the beach. What's the name of that perfume? you're wearing. Tia: It's Ocean by CALVIN KLEIN. Kramer: CALVIN KLEIN? No, no. That's my idea. They, they stole my idea. Y' see I had the idea of a cologne that makes you smell like you just came from the beach. Jerry: I know look at this [shows ad] Kramer: Whooo, ... That's you! What is going on here? The gyp(?) he laughs at me then he steals my idea. I could have been a millionaire. I could have been a fragrance millionaire, Jerry. ... They're not going to get away with this. Dana: Hello. George, come in. Come in I've heard an awful lot about you. Please sit down. George: Well hello. Um, ah, specifically the reason that I'm here, uh, I don't know uh what Elaine told you but uh I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. Actually she broke up with me [struggling with his coat zipper] and uh, well, I was the cause of it and uh, I just wanted to find out from you ... What's with this thing? Dana: So uh, she broke up with you? ... George: Yeah, and, ... Why won't this go down? Dana: It's all right don't worry about it. So, why did she break up with you? George: What is with this damn zipper? Dana: It doesn't matter. You'll fix it later. Tell me about your girlfriend. George: It's stuck on a piece of cloth here. I can't get the cloth out. Dana: It doesn't matter, so ... George: This is a brand new jacket. Boy this really burns me up, ... Dana: George, George, look at me. Okay, forget about the zipper. ... What's your girlfriend's name? George: ... Susan. Dana: Okay, we're getting somewhere. George: UH, ha ha, ... It's just SO frustrating. It's a brand new jacket. Elaine: Anyway so Fred and I are going to do some volunteer work for that Church on Amsterdam. Jerry: Oh, volunteer work!. See that's what I like about the holiday season. That's the true spirit of Christmas. People being helped by people other than me. That makes me feel good inside. Look at what we have here. (mail). A Christmas card from Laine. You didn't have to go to all that trouble. Elaine: It was no trouble. My assistant did the whole thing. Jerry: I didn't even see the picture. How did it come out? Elaine: Well, you know. It's a picture? Jerry: Oh yeah. Look at that. Looks good. Kramer did a good job. Elaine: Yeah, well. How hard is it to take a picture? Jerry: ... um ... Elaine: What? Jerry: Did you look at look at this picture carefully? Elaine: Carefully? Jerry: Because I'm not sure and and and correct me if I'm wrong but I think I see ... a nipple. Elaine: What? Jerry: Here. Take a look. What, what is that? Elaine: (gasps) Oh my God! That's my nipple. Jerry: That's what I thought. Elaine: That's my nipple. My nipple's exposed. I sent this card to hundreds of people! My parents. My boss. Uh, Nana and Papa. Jerry: DIDN'T YOU LOOK AT THE PICTURE? Elaine: Oh God I didn't notice. Oh, what am I going to do? You know your whole life you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple and then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it. Kramer: Hey! Elaine: Have you seen the card? Kramer: What card? Elaine: This car. Kramer: Yeah, yeah. Of course. I took it. Elaine: Well did you notice anything unusual about it? Kramer: No. Elaine: Well come here and take a look. Kramer: Yeah, so? Elaine: So, what's that? Kramer: That's a nipple. Elaine: Right!! Kramer: Ooo! Elaine: Aw, great!? Didn't you see that? Kramer: Aw, no, no I didn't notice it. no, uh, Elaine: It's because you made me wear that stupid shirt. Jerry: Well, maybe no one noticed it. You didn't notice it. Let me go get Newman. We'll see if he sees it. Elaine: No. I don't want him looking. Jerry: Oh what's the difference. Everybody else you know has it. Elaine: Oh my God. I sent one to the super in my building. My mailman. My ten year old little nephew. Sister Mary Catherine. Father Chelios. Oh my God Fred! I sent one to Fred. Newman: Okay. What is it? Jerry: Take a look at this card. Tell me if you notice anything unusual about it. Newman: Your nipple's showing. Jerry: Okay. Thanks. Newman: Anything else? Jerry: No. Newman: All right. See you later. Jerry: What? So what? It's a nipple. A little round circular protuberance. What's the big deal? See everybody's got them. See I got them. Kramer: I got them too. Jerry: Everybody's got them. Dana: You see it's kind of got a little piece of cloth that's slipped underneath and it's ... George: Pull it up a little bit. Dana: Uhg. Well you hold it. Wait, uh, Damn It! I can't move it. God, I've never seen a zipper so stubborn. DAMN IT! I almost had it. George: Yeah, okey, wait wait. That will separate. Dana: No. Let me try... George: Take it right off the chest... Dana: Ugh, .. George: You're gonna rip it. You're gonna rip it. Dana: YEAH!! UGH!!! ARG!!! ... I am afraid we're going to have to stop. George: Okay. Uh, my mother is is going to pay for the sessions. ... Oh,Elaine? Dana: Yeah. George: (stares at card) Jerry: No, No, No, No, Oh, No. Jerry: Well every day for the past four days she hasn't returned one call. George: Was it a scratch or a pick? Jerry: It was a scratch. George: Hey. It's me. Jerry: Don't you think I know the difference between a pick and a scratch? Jerry: Yeah? Elaine: (OC) It's me. Jerry: Come on up. George: Was there any nostril penetration? Jerry: There may have been some incidental penetration. But from her angle she was in no position to make the call. George: So let's say in her mind she witnessed a pick. Okay, so then what? Jerry: Is that so unforgivable? Is that like breaking a commandment? Did God say to Moses thou shalt not pick? George: I guarantee you that Moses was a picker. You wander throughh the desert for forty years with that dry air. ... You telling me you're not going to have occasion to clean house a little bit. Jerry: Let me ask you something. If you were going out with somebody and if she did that what would, would you do? Would you continue going out with her? George: No. That's disgusting! Elaine: You cannot believe what I'm going through. That card is plastered all over the office. Everybody is calling me, Nip! ... Yeah. That's my new nickname at the office. Nip! These guys keep asking me out for drinks. Not only that, Fred, you know the guy I told you about? He hasn't called me in three days. ... [sees card] Oh please! George: Hey. How come I didn't get a Christmas card? Everybody else got one. Jerry got one, Kramer got one. I thought we were good friends. I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it. Elaine: You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? All right here. [rubs George's head on her breasts] Here's your Christmas card. Kramer: Got any Double Crunch? Jerry: yeah. I think I do. Kramer: What's that perfume? Elaine: What, Ocean. Kramer: That's mine. That's my smell. Jerry you've got to get that model to get me an appointment with CALVIN KLEIN. Jerry: I can't She won't return my calls because she caught me in a pick at a light. Kramer: I thought you said it was a scratch. Jerry: But that's not what she thinks. George: Why don't you call her agency. Maybe she's been out of town and she didn't get the calls. Jerry: All right. I'll call the agency. [Elaine grabs card from George] Hello. Yes, I'm trying to get in touch with Tia Van Camp. Do you know if she's been in town? She's been in town. Oh really. well thank you very much. [hangs up] She has been in town. She's at CALVIN KLEIN's right now. Kramer: Let's go. George: It'll be different this time. Susan: I need someone a little more stable. George: I'm not stable? I'm like a rock. I take these glasses off, you can't tell the difference between me and a rock. I put these glasses on a rock. You know what jumps into most people's minds? Costanza! Susan: People don't change. George: I change I change. Two weeks ago I tried a soft boiled egg. Never liked it before. Now I'm dunkin a piece of toast in there and I'm loving it. Susan: I'm not a soft boiled egg. George: And I am not a piece of toast. Susan: I just don't think we have anything in common. George: That's okay. That's good. You think Louie Pasteur and his wife had anything in common? He was in the fields all day with the cows, you know with the milk, examining the milk, delving into milk, consummed with milk. Pasteurization, Homogenization, She was in the kitchen killing cockroaches with a boot on each hand. Susan: Why were there so many cockroaches? George: Because. There was a lot of cake lying around the house. Just sitting there going with all the excess milk from all the experiments [grins] Susan: And they got along? George: Yes! Yes. You know. She didn't know about Pasteurization. He didn't know anout Fumigation. But they made it work! Kramer: I want to talk to Calvin. Secretary: You can't go in there. Kramer: Let me talk to Calvin. Tia: Kramer? Kramer: Yeah, uh. Calvin Klein: Who are you? Kramer: I'm here to talk about the ocean. Calvin Klein: Oh, yes kramer. I uh, think I know something about this. Will you excuse us Tia? [Tia leaves] Kramer: Now I don't want any trouble Calvin. Calvin Klein: Neither do I. Jerry: Hello there you are. Tia: What are you doing here? Jerry: Well, I had to talk to you - I noticed you haven't been returning my calls. Tia: Well, I've been busy. Jerry: Because I - I thought we had a good time the other night, an' the only explanation I can come up with is that you think that you caught me (flustered, he indicates a nose pick) Tia: (Waving him off) I'd rather not talk about this.. Jerry: But I was clearly on the outer edge of the nostril. Tia: I know what I saw. (Turns toward the elevators) Jerry: But there - but there was no pick! I - I did not pick! There ws no piick! Tia: I gotta go. (Quickly walks away from Jerry) Jerry: No! No pick! [Setting: Calvin Klein's office] Kramer: All right, now here's the scoop, Jockey. I, uh, I came in here last January to talk to one of your ffflunkies.. Klein: (Reflecting on Kramer) Interesting face.. Kramer: Yeah.. And, um, when I told him my idea about the beach cologne, you know, he - he laughed at me. Klein: You're very lithe, aren't you? Very graceful. Kramer: Well, yeah. Klein: Sit down, eh? (Kramer, misjudging one side of the couch, sits down uncomfortably) You're very lean, but muscular.. Kramer: You know, I try to take care of myself. I - I watch what I eat. Ah, just recently I cut out fructose. Klein: You're spectacular. Kramer: (Flattered) Oh? [Setting: Elaine's office] Elaine: I told you, Fred - my friend's next door neighbor took it. Fred: (Incredulous) Soo - what happened?! Elaine: Well, I-I-I must a missed a button. I forgot to button it. Fred: I really don't see how you could miss a button like that. Elaine: Oh, you've never missed a button?! (Phone rings, she puts it on speakerphone) Yeah?.. Receptionist: Your sister, Gail. Elaine: Oh, God - my nephew. (Picks up the phone and hits the button) Hi, Gail!.. Yu.. yu... Yes, Gail, I know how old he is. Co-Worker: (Pokes his head into the doorway) Hey, Nip, ya need that manuscript or can I take it home? Elaine: Yeah, take it! Take it!.. An' stop calling me "Nip"! (Co-worker takes it and quickly leaves. Elaine goes back to the phone) It was an accident! Well.. well.. it's gotta be somewhere. Look under his mattress. [Setting: Susan's apartment building] [Setting: Calvin Klein's office] Woman: About the focus group? I had nothing to do with the focus group. What's your point? (She sees Kramer emerge from another room. He's wearing only dress shoes, socks, and his briefs) My.. he's sexual, athletic.. an' without a trace of self-consciousness! Klein: His buttocks are sublime! Man: Of course, his pectorals could use a little work - I suppose we could get him into the weight room. Woman: (Mesmerized with Kramer's body) No, let's get him in the studio today. We can send these out immediately. Man: You've done it again, C.K.! [Setting: Calvin Klein office building] Jerry: An' what if I did do it? Even though I admit to nothing, and never will. What does that make me? And I'm not here just defending myself but all those Pickers out there who've been caught. (Elevator doors open) Each an' every one of them, who has to suffer the shame and humiliation because of people like you.. (Everyone but Jerry is now in the elevator. Jerry's still addressing them) Are we not human?! If we pick, do we not bleed?! (Elevator doors shut. A few people in the hallway are looking at him, he turns and addresses them) I am not an animal! [Setting: Elaine's office] Elaine: I did not bare myself deliberately, but I tell you, I wish now that I had! (Fred, shocked by her speech, flees. She calls after him, still standing at the hallway) Because it is not me that has been exposed, but you! For I have seen the nipple on your soul! Gx: So the minute I started up the steps to her apartment I knew I made a terrible mistake. Going back with her. So we're in her apartment she goes into the bathroom. I'm cursing myself; now how do I get out of this? Then it hits me like a bolt of lightening. The pick. Jerry: The pick? Elaine: The pick? George: She comes out of the bathroom, I'm in up to my wrist. You should have seen the look on her face. Jerry: I think I've seen that look. Kramer: I've got the magazine. The underwear ad came out. Jerry: Boy, they really worked on your pectorals. George: Your buttocks are spectacular. Elaine: Oh my! Kramer: What? Elaine: I'm not sure but... I think I see your...

% A Night At The Improv. Jerry Receives Some Disturbing News From The Manager: The show has been delayed. Jerry: You don't understand. I got this all timed out. I got another spot across town at 950, I'm not gonna be able to make it! Kernis: I hear you, guy. Jerry: And I'm doin' Letterman Monday. You know, I gotta work out the material! % In The Background Is The Plot Complication Of The Week: Buckles. The manager assures Jerry that Buckles isn't on the menu. He just hangs around hoping that somebody drops out. Kernis: Why don't you come back and do the 11 o'clock spot? Jerry: No, I'm supposed to meet my friends to see this movie ``CheckMate'' at 1030. Buckles: Hey, Jer! Jerry: [not losing a step] Heeeeyyyyyyyy... [and out the door] George: Excuse me, do you have a ticket? Man: No. George: Okay. Good. % Misunderstanding Number One: When Jerry shows up at the other comedy place, the manager tells him his spot was for 915, not 950. The manager had no choice but to give Jerry's spot to... Buckles: Jerry! Jerry: What are <you> doing here? Buckles: Hey, do you think this is funny? ``Why do they call it athlete's foot? You don't have to be an athlete to get it. I mean, my father gets it all the time, and believe me, he's no athlete!'' Elaine: I've been *dying* to see ``CheckMate''. George: Well, if it's as good as ``Ponce de Leon'', I'll be happy. Elaine: ``Ponce de Leon'', are you kidding me? I hated that movie! George: ``Ponce de Leon''? But that was great! Elaine: Oh, <come on>. That Fountain of Youth scene at the end, where they're all splashin' around, and then they go running over to the mirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on! [laughing too hard to continue] That's stupid! George: Lemme tell you sum'in. When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his cheek? ... I lost it. % Apparently, A Movie That Can Be Interpreted On Two Levels. Misunderstanding Number Two: Kramer joins George and Elaine after looking for them at the Paradise Twin around the corner. Elaine hates the Paradise because it's a multiplex; she'd rather see a movie on a big screen. Something catches Kramer's eye. Kramer: Listen, I'm gonna get a hot dog at Payapa King. George & Elaine: No, wait! George: You're not going to get back here in time! Kramer: I'm starvin', I haven't had any dinner! Elaine: You can get a hot dog in the theater. Kramer: I don't wanna get a movie hot dog! [in tears] I want a Papaya King hot dog! Elaine: Kramer, Jerry is going to be here any second, and then this line is going to start moving, and we're going to end up in the front row. Kramer: Well, just save me a seat. Elaine: No! I don't want to save seats. Don't put me through that! I once had the fleece just ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving incident! George: I'm in line to buy. Elaine: No, George, this is the ticket-<holders> line. George: No it's not, it's the ticket-<buyers> line. Elaine: Then how come we're not moving? Kramer: Good question. George: Is this the ticket holders line, or the buyers? Man: Holders. George: But I asked you before if you had a ticket, and you said no! Man: I didn't. My friend was getting it. George: [furious] Good. It's good to be accurate like that. Elaine: Can you believe him? Kramer: He's spaced out. Elaine: How long would *you* have stood in the ticket-holders line? Kramer: [thinks for a while] Elaine: [gives up] Yeah, exactly... % The Movie Has Sold Out. ``Real Good, George. Real Good.'' It'S Now 10: 20, and Kramer suggests they go watch the 1045 showing of "CheckMate" at the Paradise. Elaine enters whine mode. Elaine: I don't wanna go to a... miniplex multi-theater! George: It's the same movie! What's the difference? Elaine: It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POWs to show them propaganda films. Jerry: [to taxi driver] Take the Park! Buckles: No no no, take 55th. Buckles: Jerry, I want you to do me a favor. No more fish! Jerry: [rubbing his eyes hoping the nightmare will end] Okay, I get your point! Buckles: I had a point? George: Hey, you know what else is playing here? ``Rochelle Rochelle''. Elaine: Sigh/Ugh. George: I wouldn't mind seein' <that>. Elaine: Yeah. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off. George: So what's your point? George: By the way, you owe me seven fifty. Elaine: Oh, all right. Can you break a twenty? George: No, I don't have any change. Elaine: Oh, well, then I'll pay you later. George: Or, I could take the twenty, then I could pay *you* later. Elaine: Yeah, you *could*... George: Might be easier. Elaine: I mean, how is that easier? I mean, then you would owe me twelve fifty instead of me owing you seven fifty. George: [trying to act as if he doesn't care one way or the other, but we know better] Either way. Elaine: Yeah. George: So... Can I have it? Elaine: I tell you what, I'll get the popcorn and the soda. George: Whaddya mean, you'll ``get'' the popcorn and the soda? Elaine: I will buy your popcorn and soda. We'll call it even. George: I tell you what, you give me the twenty, and I will buy *you* a popcorn and soda, and I'll throw in a bon-bons. Elaine: [exasperated] George, you're sappin' my strength. George: You go in and save seats. Elaine: [in a panic] Me!? But that's three seats! I can't save three seats! I told you about that guy who tore up my winter coat! Buckles: Jerry, I want you to have this piece of material. Jerry: That's very nice of you, but I can't do the voices. Buckles: Jerry! Don't start up with me! Jerry: I gotta get out of this cab... Buckles: But Jerry, quit riffing! Jerry: No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring! Do you understand the difference? Buckles: [pause] Can you help me get on The Tonight Show? Elaine: No, these are saved. Man: All of them? C'mon, you can't take *four* seats. Elaine: What, is that a rule? George: Well, why don't *you* go, and I could save the seats. You said you didn't like saving anyway. Elaine: [stopping someone from sitting in the seat next to her] No, *TAKEN*, Taken, taken. [to George] [shrugs] I'm getting the hang of it. George: Why don't you give me the twenty, and I'll stop and get change, and then you and I can... uh... you-know, settle. Elaine: Can we do this later, George? George: Psh. What's the point of even discussing it? [condescendingly takes her hand and pats it] You'll give me the money when you have it. [takes two steps, then reconsiders, then re-reconsiders] I, I trust you. Kramer: Could you do me a favor? If you see a guy that's five foot eleven, he's got uh a big head and flared nostrils, tell him his friend's going to be right back, okay? Elaine: No, I'm sorry, these are taken. ... They're in the lobby buying popcorn. ... What are you doing? These are taken, these are taken! Woman: Which one? Elaine: These two and this one. ... No! Don't come over here! These are taken. Go! Go! These are taken! They're taken! THEY'RE TAKEN!!! Elaine: Oh, take 'em. George: Um, excuse me, have you see a guy with like a horse face, big teeth, and a, and a pointed nose? Clerk: ... flared nostrils? George: Yeah. Clerk: Nope, haven't seen him. Buckles: Jerry, could you do me a personal favor? And if I'm out of line, *please*, let me know. Could I keep my trench coat in your closet for a few months? Jerry: Your trench coat in my closet? Buckles: Jerry, my closet is packed to the gills, I'm afraid to open the door. Just for a few months. It'll make all the difference in the world. Buckles: We should see ``Rochelle Rochelle''. I hear it's really hot. Jerry: No thanks, maybe some other time. Buckles: Really? Do you really mean that? Jerry: No, I don't. Buckles: You liked the athlete's foot bit, right? Jerry: No. No. I was kidding. It's terrible. Jerry: Hi, I got some friends inside, I gotta get a message to 'em. Mind if I walk through real quick? Usher: [indicates ``okay''] Kramer: Hey, did that guy show up? Clerk: The guy with the... horse face... and the big teeth... Kramer: No, the guy with the big head and the flared nostrils. Clerk: Haven't seen him. There was a short guy with glasses... Looked like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon hat. But he left. Woman: So I got home, and he was vacuuming! I mean, he's twelve years old! Who else but my Alan would do something like that? Woman: And then last night, he put on my high heels. Oh, he put on such a show for us! He was dancing around, lip-sync'ing to ``A Chorus Line'', I mean you can see he's got talent. Elaine: [annoyed] Excuse me, excuse me. Woman: What's the problem? Elaine: [momentarily shocked, as if the answer were self-evident] You're talking. Woman: It's the ``Coming Attractions''. Woman: So anyway, he sings, he dances. And do you know what he's gotten into now? He is cooking! He does a crepe... Usher: Ticket, sir? George: Uh, I just went out, I went to look for my friend? Usher: Do you have your stub? George: [as if the word were totally foreign] My `stub'? Usher: Mm hm. George: You don't remember me? Usher: It's a big city, sir. George: I went in with a pretty woman? You know, kinda short, big wall o' hair, face like a frying pan? George: [whispering] Elaine? [loud whisper] Elaine! [louder whisper] Elaine! George: [quite out loud, not even pretending to whisper] Elaine! Narrator: The Village Voice calls it a masterpiece. A young woman's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. Narrator: It's a story about life. And love. And becoming a woman. ``Rochelle Rochelle'', now playing at Paradise 2. Elaine: Uh, could I have a medium Diet Coke? Clerk: Do you want the Medium size or the middle size? Elaine: What's the difference? Clerk: Well, we have three sizes. Medium, Large, and Jumbo. Elaine: [momentarily perplexed] What happened to the small? Clerk: There is no small. Small is Medium. Elaine: What's... medium? Clerk: Medium is Large, and large is Jumbo. Elaine: Oh-kay. Gimme the large. Clerk: That's medium. Elaine: Right. Yeah. [fearing the answer] Could I have a small popcorn? Clerk: There is no small. [flash of perky inspiration] Child-size is small. Elaine: What's `medium'? Clerk: Adult. Elaine: Do adults ever order the child-size? Clerk: [chuckling] Not usually. Elaine: [laughs appreciably] Okay, gimme the `adult'. Clerk: Do you want butter? Elaine: Is it *real* butter? Clerk: [perkily] It's butter-*flavored*! Elaine: [exasperated] What is it made of? Clerk: [perkily] It's yellow! Jerry: 44th and 9th. Driver: Have you got a cigarette? Jerry: No. Usher: Ticket, sir? George: We've just been through this! You don't remember? We just had this exact same conversation a minute ago! Usher: I need to see your stub. George: [realizing the only way out is to show the stub] I've got the stub. George: There you go, okay? That's my *other* friend's ticket. You happy now? You got two tickets. Usher: Ticket, sir? Kramer: Uh, no, see, my friend already bought me a ticket. I'm late, and she's inside. Usher: Go ahead. Kramer: Is that seat taken? Woman Behind Elaine: It's all yours. Driver: I'm very sorry, you give me few minutes. I have to stop for gasoline. Jerry: Gasoline? Can't you get it after you drop me off? Driver: [taken aback] No! Impossible! It is on `Empty'! Man: You're soaking wet. Who are you? Rochelle: My name is Rochelle, I'm from Milan. I'm supposed to visit my relatives in Minsk. Man: Here, stand by the fire. Take off those wet clothes, you'll catch cold. Rochelle: Oh, my hand's so cold, I can barely get these buttons open. Rochelle: Oh, that's much better. Much... Elaine: I just went to get popcorn... Ugh... [shakes more popcorn] I just went to get popcorn, okay? And and and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there! Usher: There's a seat in the front row. Elaine: No no, I can't sit in the front row. Usher: Well, you're going to have to wait, then. Elaine: I can't stand around here for *two hours*! Usher: I could let you see ``Rochelle Rochelle''. Elaine: [heavy sarcasm] Oh. Thanks. Elaine: Oh, hey, listen, by the way, have you seen a tall... lanky... doofus, with a, with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein? Usher: Haven't seen him. % From His Pocket, Kramer Digs Into His Treasured Papaya King Hot Dog. Then Discovers The Source Of His Discomfort: He's sitting on a coat. Jerry: Hey, did I make it? Kernis: Sorry. Jerry: Oh, great. That's great. What a night. Announcer: Pat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen. Another round of applause for Pat Buckles! Jerry: You got my spot? Buckles: That athlete's foot bit killed! Jerry: Really... Buckles: Do you think I need to lose some weight? Jerry: Weight? Naw. Just need some more height. Jerry: My whole night's ruined. I didn't do any sets, didn't do any movies... Buckles: Come on, we can still catch most of ``Rochelle Rochelle''. Jerry: ``Rochelle Rochelle'', huh? Buckles: A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. Jerry: [his interest piqued] Minsk? Elaine: Oh, gimme a break! Jerry: Elaine? Elaine: Jerry! Jerry: Elaine! Voice: [whispered] Shut up. George: Jerry? Jerry: George? George: Elaine? Elaine: George! [waves hi] Jerry: Hey, where's Kramer? Voice: [whispered] Will you shut up? Elaine: I don't know. Does this movie stink or what! Jerry: Let's get outta here. [to Buckles] I'll see ya. Buckles: You're leaving? Jerry: Yeah. Buckles: [holding out his coat] Jerry, take the coat. Please. One month. Jerry: I don't want the coat. Buckles: Jerry! Call me when you get home so I know you're okay! George: [studying his jacket] Oh man! Look at this! I sat in gum. Oh, by the way, you owe me seven fifty. Jerry: I didn't even use the ticket! George: I still paid for it! Jerry: I only have a twenty. Elaine: That's my coat! Gimme that. Where did you get that? Kramer: It was on the seat... Elaine: *YOU* took my seat!? George: You uh owe me for the ticket. Kramer: Yeah, right... Elaine: What is that stain [on my coat]? Kramer: It's yellow mustard. [To George] Can you break a twenty? I Always Get Confused In The Movie Theater By The, By The Plot. It'S Embarrassing. It'S An Embarrassment To Have To Admit, But I'M The One That You See In The Parking Lot After The Movie Talking With His Friends, Going: ``Oh, you mean that was the same guy from the <beginning>... Ohhhhhhhhhh...'' Nobody will explain it to you. When you're in the theater, you can't find out. [whispering to imaginary friends seated around him] ``Why did they kill that guy?... Why did they kill him?... Who was that guy? What was the... I thought he was with them? Wasn't he with them? Why would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't *really* with them... I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed him.''

George: So you're a lawyer. What kind of cases do you handle? Cheryl: Oh, everything. Divorce, patents, immigration and naturalization. George: What is that, immigrants come over, you show them how to act natural? George: No, they're not funny at all. No, I have no funny friends. I'm the funny one. El Clowno. Elaine: Look, I was nice enough to pick it up for you Jerry: Hey, I've been back four days, I want my mail. Elaine: It's mostly bills, magazines and junk mail anyway. Jerry: Elaine, that's what mail is. Without bills, magazines and junk mail, there is no mail. Cheryl: Here's my card. George: Oh, ok. Thank you. It was good talking to you. Cheryl: Nice meeting you. George: Yeah. Elaine: Hi! Jerry: Hey, how ya doin? George: You would not believe what just happened. I was waiting for you and this woman was sitting at the counter. Elaine: What, the one who just left? George: Yeah, yeah, and we started talking, and she's this lawyer who's incredible! Everything I said was funny! You know, she laughed at everything I said, she thinks I'm hilarious. You know in a way, it was almost too good. I started so good, I can't go any place but down now, ya know? I got no place to go. Elaine: Yeah, well, I guess it's all over. Jerry: (looking behind the counter) Hey, is that Babu? It is! (walking over) Hey, Babu! Babu: Jerry! Jerry: Look at you, you got the job. Babu: Yes, yes, they give me job thanks to you. Jerry: Oh, I didn't do anything. Babu: Yes, you do everything, get me job, you get me a place to live in your building. Jerry: Come on. Babu: You very very good man, you do everything for me. My family and I can never thank you enough for everything you do. George: You see, this is what I do with women. I start out too strong, now I have to become real, that's when it all falls apart. What good is real? They don't want real, they want funny. Elaine: No they don't. George: Ooooh, yes they do. Elaine: Nooo. George: Ya gotta put on a show, ya always gotta give them a big show. You always have to be 'on' otherwise why would they like me? They'd just go for a better looking guy with more money. George: You mean that's true, I'm right?! Jerry: Ok, great, well, I'm glad everything worked out, Babu. Babu: Oh, yes, yes, everything wonderful. Jerry: Ok, I'll see you around the building. Babu: I'll see you *in* the building. Jerry: (returning to the table) Remember Babu Bhatt? George: Who's he? Jerry: Remember that guy who opened the restaurant across the street from the building last year and he wasn't doing so well and I told him he should make it into all Pakistani and that drove him right out of business? So, you uh, going with me to the auto show with me Saturday? Elaine: Yeah, yeah. Jerry: Can you bring my mail then? George: What mail? Elaine: I picked up his mail while he was on the road George: Why didn't Kramer pick it up? Jerry: Cause he's at that baseball fantasy camp in Florida. George: Oh yeah, right. When's he coming back? Jerry: Monday, I think. George: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating; that's a fantasy camp. Jerry: Hey listen, if you're gonna go out with this lawyer, why don't you have dinner with us and then maybe you can go to the auto show with her if you want, you know, have a little company, take the pressure off. Jerry: ...he never heard of corduroy! Cheryl: (howling with laughter) Stop it, you're killing me!! Jerry: He never heard of corduroy! True story, true story. George: No, no I don't think so. Elaine: Why? George: Well I think I'm better off going one-on-one. Jerry: I don't know why you want to play man-to-man when you could play a zone. George: She might not be comfortable. Elaine: Why? We're all very nice, we're very friendly. Jerry: We'll be funny. George: No! No. It's not good, I don't think so. Elaine: Alright, well if you change your mind, we'll wind up as Isabella's probably around seven. Jerry: No, no Isabella's, I don't want to go to Isabella's. Elaine: Why? Jerry: No, it's too trendy, no Isabella's. George: (tasting the wine) Excellent. Like I really know what I'm talking about. George: Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast, I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast. Jerry: Look who's here! Georgie-boy! George: What are you doing here? I thought you said you hated Isabella's? Elaine: No, I talked him into it. George: What happened to the auto show? Jerry: Oh, we're still going, we're still going. Elaine, do the spokes model. Elaine: The turbo quadramatic transmission offers you the power and prestige to propel you well into the 21st century. George: Cheryl, Elaine, and uh, Jerry. Cheryl: Would you like to join us? George: Oh no no no, they don't want to join us. Cheryl: Oh no, it's ok, don't be silly. Elaine: Ok, well why don't we just put these two tables together? George: (as the others are repositioning the tables) No, no, you can't do that, they're round, it makes an 'eight' and, yeah, well alright. Elaine: Jerry? Jerry, tell them that funny story you were telling me- George: No! No. Elaine: No George, it's so funny. We saw this cab driver's picture, right? George: (interrupting) You know we should really order, the service is so slow here, by the time you get anything... Elaine: Oh, Cheryl, can I ask you a legal question? Um, I'm being sued. Cheryl: Oh? What happened? Elaine: Well, I ran out to apologize to a virgin and I crossed against the light and I knocked over the delivery boy. Cheryl: Was he Chinese? Elaine: Yeah. Cheryl: Is your last name Benes? Jerry: How did you know? Cheryl: Ping is my cousin! Elaine: No! Jerry: That's so funny! Cheryl: I'm handling his case! Elaine: What? You're Cheryl Fong? Cheryl: That's right! Elaine: Oh my god, I can't believe it! That is such a coincidence! Cheryl: Yeah, I know! Elaine: Wow, well, I guess you don't have any advice for me on how to win the case? Cheryl: Will you excuse me? I have to make a call. Elaine: Tell Ping I said hello. Jerry: Tell him you think you may have broken the case wide open. Jerry: What? George: This is not good. This is not good. Jerry: What's the matter? George: I just don't think it's such a great idea for you to sit here. Jerry: Why not? Elaine: He thinks that if you're too funny, he might not look so funny. Jerry: Biff? George: What? Jerry: You're not worried about that? George: No, of course not. Jerry: I mean, so what if I'm funny? Who cares? Elaine: He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll walk out on his show, go see the other show. Jerry: Well, should we leave? George: Maybe you don't have to be so funny. I mean, would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm asking. This woman thinks I'm very funny. Now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny. Elaine: This is so ridiculous. Can we just go over there? Jerry: I don't have to be funny, I don't care. George: You don't? Jerry: No way! It's completely under my control. Elaine: No, it's not. You cannot not be funny. Jerry: Of course I can, am I being funny now? Elaine: A little. Jerry: Oh, this is funny? I'm being funny? Elaine: Yeah. Jerry: George, is this funny? George: It's funny! (To Elaine) and it wouldn't kill you to not be so funny either. Elaine: What? What did I do? George: Hi. Jerry: (subdued, almost somber) Hello. Welcome back. Cheryl: Sorry, it was my aunt's birthday and she makes such a big deal about it. Elaine: Well, nobody likes to get old, right? Jerry: Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing. George: Funny guy, huh? Elaine: Here, take it. I was glad to get rid of it. Jerry: Well thank you very much, it's about time. Elaine: Oh listen, guess what? Cheryl convinced Ping to drop the case against me. Jerry: Drop the case? Well, congratulations, that'll save you some money. Elaine: Yeah, no kidding. That lawyer was gonna charge me a fortune. Jerry: (leafing through his mail) Oh great, a birth announcement from Arnie and Joy Harris. Jerry: Hear that? Guess who's back. (Opening the door) Hey! Kramer: Hey. Jerry: I thought you weren't coming back till Monday. Kramer: Well, the camp ended a few days early. Jerry: Why? Kramer: Uh, well there was an incident. Jerry: What happened? Kramer: I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth. Jerry: What? Kramer: Yeah, I punched him and they took him to the hospital and then they canceled the rest of the week. Elaine: You punched who in the mouth? Kramer: Mickey Mantle. Jerry: What happened? Kramer: Well, you know, we were playing a game and, you know, I was pitching, and I was really throwing some smoke. And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man that guy, you know, he was crowding the plate. Jerry: Wow! Joe Pepitone! Kramer: Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate. So I throw one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well the next pitch, he's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him. Jerry: You plunked him. Kramer: Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know? A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players, and as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know, somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down, and woah man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out. Jerry: Wow, this is incredible! Babu: Leave me alone! You can't do this to me! Jerry: What's going on out there? Babu: What are you doing? This is not right, people. You're making a very bad mistake, very bad. Jerry: Babu? (leaving) I'll be right back. Elaine: (to Kramer) Yeah, so? Kramer: Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's screaming, "Mickey! Mickey! What have you done with Mickey? You killed Mickey!" Elaine: So what'd you do? Kramer: Well, I got the hell out of there. Elaine: They took Babu away?! Jerry: Yeah, the Immigration guy said his Visa was expired. Poor Babu, everything was going so well for him. He had an apartment, he had a job. What a shame. Jerry: I will, Babu! I will help you, Babu, don't worry! Kramer: Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's chasing me around, he trips over third base and knocks over Clete Boyer. Jerry: (thumbing through his mail) Uh oh. Elaine: What? Jerry: Well this is interesting. Elaine: What is it? Jerry: It's a letter from the Immigration Bureau, it's Babu's Visa renewal application form. They must have put it in my mailbox by mistake. Kramer: Well, doesn't he need that? Jerry: If you had given me my mail last week when I got home, this whole thing never would have happened. Elaine: Well, you should have come to my house to pick it up. Jerry: Yeah, so am I being funny now? Elaine: No, actually, you're not being funny now. Jerry: See, I told you I wasn't funny all the time. (George enters) Hey George, look, I'm not funny now. George: No, and you weren't funny last night either. In fact, you got us both so depressed, she asked me to drive her home after dinner. Jerry: Oh look, I need to get in touch with Cheryl. Babu needs a lawyer, his Visa's expired. George: What do you need her for? There's a million lawyers. Jerry: Yeah, but you said this is one of the things that her firm does. George: Alright, alright, but no funny business, same deal as last night. Jerry: Ah, will you stop it already? George: Jerry, please? Jerry: How long is this gonna go on? George: Till I'm comfortable. Jerry: Well, when is that gonna be? George: After consummation. Jerry: Consummation? I don't think you have enough material. Cheryl: I actually have a friend in the Immigration Department who owes me a big favor. You're very lucky. Jerry: (somber) That's wonderful news. Thank you. Cheryl: You're a very serious person, aren't you? Jerry: Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't seem like it would be fair to be cheerful. Cheryl: I understand. Cheryl: I think it's curdled. Jerry: I don't care. Cheryl: Do you ever laugh? Jerry: Not really. Sometimes, when I'm in the tub. Cheryl: That's so sad. What do you do? Jerry: I'm a comedian. Oh, let me get that. (reaching for the check) You've been so helpful. Elaine: (entering as Jerry heads to the register) Hey, we're gonna go see Babu now, right? Jerry: Yeah, I'll just pay for this. Elaine: Oh, I'm just gonna go say hi to Cheryl. (walking over to the booth) Hi. Cheryl: Hi. Elaine: Listen, gosh, I wanted to thank you so much for convincing Ping to drop the case. Cheryl: Well, after we met, you were all so nice. I just couldn't go through with it. But between you and me, you would have paid through the nose. Jerry: Babu! Babu: Jerry! Jerry, hello Jerry! Jerry: You remember Elaine. Babu: Yes, yes of course! Elaine: Nice to meet you. Babu: So nice of you both to come. Jerry: Oh, Babu. Babu: No no, you're both very kind, very kind. Elaine: We try. Jerry: We do what we can. Elaine: We do what we can. Babu: The problem is I never got my Visa renewal form in the mail. I was expecting it. Jerry: Yes, well, see, here's the thing, Babu. Um, what happened was I was away for a couple of weeks doing some comedy shows. Babu: Comedy shows! You're a very funny man. Jerry: Well, Elaine here was picking up my mail while I was away, because you know that little box can get very full. Babu: Oh yes, of course. TV Guide, magazines, everything. You know, I would have picked up your mail, your box is right next to mine. Jerry: Oh, I don't want to bother you. Babu: No bother! You get me job, you get me apartment, you very very good man. Jerry: So yesterday, after they took you away, I looked in my mail and I noticed that the mailman accidentally put your Visa renewal in my mail box. Babu: Come again? Jerry: You see, I've been home for a week and Elaine didn't give me my mail until yesterday, even though I asked her repeatedly for it. Elaine: Yeah, but Babu, he could have come to my house to pick it up. Babu: You had my Visa application?! Jerry: Well not technically. Babu: (extremely and suddenly agitated) I kill you!! Jerry: Well what about her? Babu: I kill both of you!! Jerry: Babu?! Babu: No Babu! No Babu! You bad man! You very bad man! You very lazy bad man! Jerry: Babu, I'm gonna fix everything! I have a lawyer who knows someone in the Immigration Department, they're gonna straighten the whole thing out, the wheels are in motion, things are happening even as we speak! Babu: The wheels are in motion? Jerry: The wheels are in motion, things are happening! George: Jerry? Cheryl: I'm very attracted to him. George: You think the person you were talking to is him? That's not even close to him. He's funny, Jerry's funny. Cheryl: He never said anything funny. George: He can't not be funny. Cheryl: No no no, he's dark. And disturbed. George: Dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal. I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was funnier. That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed, that's disturbed. You can't find sickness like that anywhere, you think sickness like that grows on trees? Nobody is sicker than me, nobody. He's pretending, I'm the genuine article. Cheryl: So you're telling me Jerry's whole thing was an act? George: Yes! And I put him up to it, because I'm sick! I'm the one that needs help. Cheryl: I gotta go. George: Well, should I call you later? Cheryl: Please don't. George: But, but I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!! Elaine: So, what's up with Babu? How come he's not back? Jerry: I don't know, I don't understand it. Cheryl was supposed to take care George: It's George. Jerry: C'mon up. Jerry: Babu must be back. Babu'S Brother: Babu, my goodness, what has happened to you? Jerry: Where's Babu? Babu'S Brother: He is in Pakistan! Jerry: Who are you? Babu'S Brother: I am his brother. He knew a lawyer, it was all going to be fixed. Jerry: I'm sure the lawyer did everything they could. Babu'S Brother: Then where is Babu? What happened to Babu? Show me Babu! Elaine: (offering a drink) Snapple? Babu'S Brother: No, too fruity. Jerry: Hey, what happened? I thought Cheryl was gonna help Babu get his Visa. George: She didn't help him? Jerry: No. George: Where is he? Jerry: He's in Pakistan. George: Oh boy. Jerry: What do you mean, oh boy? George: Well, last night she told me that she liked you. Not you, the disturbed you, so I had to tell her the truth. Jerry: Told her the truth? Well, you got Babu deported. George: What do you mean, I got? You didn't give him his Visa application. Jerry: That's because she had my mail. Elaine: Yeah, well I wouldn't have had to get your mail if he hadn't gone to that fantasy camp. Kramer: Well, I just came back from Mickey Mantle's restaurant. Jerry: How could you go in there? Kramer: Well, I had to. I had to apologize. I mean, I punched Mickey Mantle, my idol. It was eating me up inside! Jerry: Well, what happened? Kramer: I got down in my knees and went, "Go ahead, Mickey. Hit me. I'm begging you, Mickey, please hit me. C'mon, hit me. I love you, Mickey, I love you!" Elaine: So, what did he do? Kramer: Well, the four of them, they picked me up by my pants and they threw me outside, right into a horse. Voice: Kramer? Kramer: Yeah? It's my Chinese food. Elaine: Oh! Ping! Hi! Listen, thank you so much for dropping that lawsuit against me. Ping: Not anymore. Elaine: What? Ping: Cheryl call me last night, lawsuit back on. Elaine: Why? Ping: She call you and your friends big liars. You think she nice girl? Wait till you see her in court. She's a shark! They call her the Terminator. She never lose a case. Now you make her mad. She double the damages. Hasta la vista, baby. Babu: So his friend got the mail but she did not give it to him. And then he came to visit me. Said the lawyer was called to help, he said the wheels were in motion, but there was no motion. There was nothing. And so they sent me back here. Babu'S Friend: This is a terrible story, Babu. What are you going to do? Babu: I'm going to save up every rupee. Someday, I will get back to America, and when I do I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very very bad man.

George (Writing On A Notepad): Wait a second, wait a second...and then the butler says, "I'm not cleanin' it up! I'm sick of cleaning!" Jerry (Copying It Down And Grinning): That's funny, that's funny! "I'm sick of cleaning." That's very funny. George (Laughing): I'll tell you something, I've never seen a pilot script as funny as this! Jerry: Yeah, it's funny! George: I mean, how funny is this? Jerry (Low Voice): It's funny. George: I mean, we're not stupid, right? We know when something's funny! Jerry: It cannot not be funny! Now come on, let's stay with it, we gotta finish this today. George: Okay. Hey, you know what, maybe I should give it to my therapist to read. She's smart, I trust her. Jerry: Yeah, maybe I'll give it to Elaine. George: Hey, you know, we haven't brought the Elaine character into the show yet. Umm, We should try and get her into this scene. Jerry: Right, right. Okay. (Writing) Elaine enters. George: Right Jerry: (Thinks) What does she say...? George (Thinking): I don't know, what do women say? Jerry: I don't know. George: I don't even know what they think. That's why I'm in therapy. Jerry: You know, if we bring Elaine in, it's going to be so many people to keep track of. It's gonna be too hard, I'll forget where everybody's standing, you, me, Kramer, the butler, it's too much. George: Alright, forget Elaine. Jerry: Alright. (They tear the pages out of their notepads. Kramer enters.) Kramer: Hey. George: Hey. Jerry: Hey. Kramer (To Jerry): You are never gonna believe who I just ran into today. Jerry: Who? Kramer: Your old flame. Gail Cunningham. Jerry: Did you talk to her? Kramer: Well, I was on my way to the Y, and I saw her coming towards me? I didn't know what to do! Because I remembered you had three dates with her and she wouldn't kiss you goodnight. So now I'm thinking you know, what is my duty to my friend? Do I acknowledge her? Do I you know ignore her? I mean, what is my responsibility here? Jerry: So what happened? Kramer: Yeah, yeah, so she sees me and she goes, (imitates Gail) "Oh, hi! Kramer!" You know? Like nothing happened! Like she never you know went three dates with you and refused to kiss you goodnight. Jerry: Yeah, I know about the three dates. Kramer: You know what I did? I snubbed her. Jerry: What do you mean, you snubbed her? Kramer: I walked right by her - bffffft - never said a word. Jerry (Smiling): Right by her? Kramer: Right by her! Jerry (To George, Hugs Kramer Happily): What you do say about a guy like this, huh! (George applauds.) You are some great friend, I tell ya, snubbed her! (seriously) Not that I condone it. I've never condoned snubbing in my administration. But your loyalty is beyond question. Kramer: Yeah. Well, you know, she was lucky I was in a good mood - coulda been a lot worse. Elaine (Throws The Script At Jerry): I'm not even in here! Jerry: Yeah, I know. Elaine: Well, I thought there was going to be a character named Elaine Benes. Jerry: Well, there were too many people in the room, we couldn't keep track of everybody. George, and the butler, and... Elaine: You couldn't "keep track" of everybody? Jerry: Well, we tried. We couldn't. We didn't know how to, uh...(confessing) ...we couldn't write for a woman. We didn't know what you would say. Even right now, I'm sitting here, I know you're going to say something, I have no idea what it is. Elaine: You have no idea? Jerry: Something derogatory? (Gail enters the coffee shop and walks over to the booth.) Gail (To Jerry): I thought I'd find you here. Jerry: Well, Gail Cunningham. Elaine: Hi, Gail. Gail: Hi, Elaine. (To Jerry) Hey, what is with your friend Kramer? Jerry: Why? Gail: He snubbed me. Jerry: Are you sure? Gail: Yeah, I'm sure. What did you tell him? Jerry: Nothing. (Elaine grabs Jerry's sandwich and is about to take a bite.) Hey, where you goin' with that? Gimme that. (Takes back the sandwich.) Elaine: I thought you were finished. Jerry: I took two bites, how am I finished? (Elaine coughs.) Plus you're coming down with something? You want me to get sick? (Offers Gail the sandwich) Bite? Gail: So, how come? Why did Kramer do that? Jerry: I don't know. Once he leaves the building, he's out of my jurisdiction. Gail: Well, tell him that I am mad at him. Jerry: Alright. So, where ya cookin' now? Gail: Pfeiffer's. Jerry: Ah, the power lunch crowd. Gail (To Elaine): Nice shoes! Elaine: Oh. Thank you. Gail: Where'd you get 'em? Elaine (Modest): They're um, Botticelli's. Gail (Impressed): Ooh, Botticelli's! Look at you! I'm afraid to go in there. Elaine: Really. Jerry: Would you care to join us? Gail: No, no, I gotta get to the restaurant. (Looks at her watch.) Oh! See ya. (Exits.) Jerry: See ya. Elaine (Irritated, Imitates Gail): "Oh, look at you, the Botticelli's." Jerry: That bothered you? Elaine: Yes, it bothered me. So I bought a pair of shoes at Botticelli's, I'm not allowed to shop there? That really embarrassed me. Jerry: It did? Elaine: Yes! Couldn't you see that? Jerry (Thinks): No. This is why you're not in the pilot. Dana: Well, George, I think you're beginning to get some perspective on things. I think we're making progress. George: Yeah, I feel like I've grown. Dana: Good. So, let's pick up on this next week. George: Great. (They both stand.) Oh, by the way, did you get a chance to read the script? Dana: Yes, yes I did. George (Beaming): Well, what'd you think? Dana (Unenthusiastic): Uh...it was...good. George: You didn't like it? Dana: Well, no, I - George: I can't believe this! What was wrong with it? What didn't you like about it? Dana: It wasn't funny. George: It wasn't funny? What, are you kidding? Dana: No, I didn't find it funny. George: You didn't find it funny?! This is what I'm paying for? Dana: Well, that whole storyline about a guy who gets into a car accident, doesn't have any insurance, so the judge sentences him to be a butler? I didn't really buy that. George: Let me tell you who did, uh, buy it...um we pitched this story to Russell Dalrymple, the president of NBC, and he ate it up with a spoon. Dana: George, if you're going to be in a creative field, you're going to have to learn how to deal with criticism. George: How's this for criticism? Um...you stink. How do like that criticism? You know what's funny to me? That diploma up on the wall. That is my idea of "com-med-dee"! You sitting here, telling people what to do. Dana: I think you'd better go. George: Oh, I'm goin' baby. I'm goin.' (Heads for the door, then stops.) It's Jerry's fault. He took out all my good lines. He's such a control freak! George (Immediately, To Elaine): So, you send me to this therapist to help me with my emotional disorders, and she criticizes our script. (Tosses the script to Jerry.) What kind of a therapist is that? Elaine: I guess she didn't think it was funny. George: Oh, she didn't think it was funny. What is she, Rowan & Martin? We're supposed to meet with NBC tomorrow! She completely shattered my confidence. And I'm paying for this, she's my employee! Jerry: I thought your mother's paying for it. George: And she slaves to earn every penny. So that someday, I might be able to walk up to a woman and say, "Yes, I'm bald, but I'm still a good person." Jerry (To Elaine): You know, he's right. It's not her place to criticize the script, which reminds me - what did you think of it? You never told me. Elaine: What did I think of it? (Manufactures a cough instead of answering. Kramer enters.) Kramer (To Jerry): Hey, buddy, I got something to tell ya. (Elaine runs towards to the bathroom in lieu of answering Jerry's question.) Jerry (Catches Elaine): Hey, one second, you don't get off that easy. C'mon, tell me what you thought. Elaine: Well, you know, I... Kramer: I just kissed Gail Cunningham. (Jerry turns and looks at Kramer, shocked. Elaine grins and heads to the bathroom.) Jerry: You what? Kramer: Yeah, I kissed her. Jerry: You kissed her? Kramer: Right on the mouth. Jerry: What kinda great friend are you? How do you go from snubbing to kissing? Kramer: Well, I saw her outside the Y, you know, she came up to me, she started yelling because I snubbed her, and then we started talking a little bit, and I walked her to her building. And just before I left, I put my arm around her waist, I pulled her to me, and I - mmm - I planted one! (Laughs.) Jerry: And what did she do? Kramer: She kissed me back. Jerry: I don't get this. I go out with this girl three times, she doesn't want to shake my hand - why's she kissing you? Kramer (Realizing): Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub! George: No they don't. I tried that once. I snubbed for a year. Nothing. Every woman I saw, I snubbed. You never saw people so pleased. (Elaine returns from the bathroom.) Kramer (To Elaine): Ooh, so...I understand you're buying your shoes now at Botticelli's. Elaine: What? Who told you that? Kramer: Gail Cunningham. Elaine: I don't understand, why is this woman talking about my shoes? Why are my shoes a topic of conversation? Kramer: Well, you know, we were just talking, and uh she mentioned how you're buying your shoes now at Botticelli's. Elaine (Angrily): "How I'm buying my shoes now at Botticelli's!" Did you hear this? (Shoves Jerry and Kramer.) Jerry: So what? Elaine: So what?! She is talking about my shoes! She is discussing my shoes! It is nobody's business where I buy my shoes! (Storms over to the couch and angrily sits down. Jerry, Kramer and George look at Elaine from the kitchen, comically puzzled by her outburst...) Elaine: Hey! Gail! Gail: Ya. (noticing it's Elaine) Elaine...! Elaine: Why are you talking about my shoes? Gail: What? Elaine: My Botticelli shoes. You've been talking about my Botticelli shoes. Gail: What are you talking about? Elaine: Did you or did you not tell Kramer that I got my shoes at Botticelli's? (A waiter comes over and puts a plate of food on Gail's cutting board.) Waiter: Too spicy. He wants another one. You got that pasta primavera? Gail: Look Elaine, I am very busy here. Elaine: Who else have you mentioned my shoes to, huh? I wanna know why my footwear is your conversation! Gail: I am not discussing this. This is insane. Waiter: You got that pasta primavera? Let's go! Gail: Ya ya ya, here. Waiter: Here you are, Mr. Dalrymple. Russell: Thank you. Waiter: Sorry for the delay. Enjoy your lunch. Russell (Opening The Door): Well, come in. (They shake hands.) Jerry & George: Hi. Russell: Awfully sorry to make you come up here, but I really wasn't feeling well enough to go back to the office, and well, it's the only chance I have to meet with you this week. Jerry: Are you alright? Russell: Well, it's my stomach. I think there must have been something in the pasta primavera I had for lunch. Jerry: Oh, Where did you eat? Russell: Pfeiffer's. Jerry: Ah. I know the chef there. Russell: Yeah. The food's usually terrific. George: My cousin worked for Bouchard's. They used to use the bouilla-base for a toilet. (Jerry and Russell are shocked.) Russell: What are you saying? George: Well, you didn't hear it from me, but needless to say, if you go in there - stick with the consumee. Russell: Well, we'd better get started, my daughter's going to be here soon. Jerry: Oh, you have a daughter? Russell: Yeah, she just turned fifteen last week. George: Aw, that's a fun age. (Jerry looks at George distastefully.) Russell: Alright. The script. Now, I've read this thing three times...and everytime I read it...(looks nauseous, struggles not to vomit.) Jerry: What? Russell: Excuse me for a second. (Gets up and runs to the bathroom.) Jerry: What? George: Would you like a Pepto-Bismol? I keep them in my wallet...! (Russell goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.) (To Jerry) Do you think he liked it? (From the bathroom, we hear Russell violently heaving his guts.) Jerry: I'm not sure. (The sounds of Russell vomiting emanate from the bathroom. Jerry and George sit there uncomfortably.) What was that dish he said he had...? George: Pasta primavera. Jerry: Ah. You know, 'primavera' is Italian for 'spring.' George: No! Jerry: Yeah. Russell (Coming Out Of The Bathroom): Really, I'm terribly sorry, it just, uh...all of a sudden it just hit me. George: So, you were saying how, um...about the script... Russell: Right. The script. Your script needs some...it needs, um...(looks nauseous again. Gets up and runs to the bathroom a second time.) George: More jokes? Jerry: Another ending? George: A different name for the butler? (Russell throws up again.) Jerry: Maybe we should go. George: We haven't heard his notes yet, we don't know how he feels about our work. (Russell throws up yet again.) Russell (From Bathroom): Oh God. Oh my god. Jerry: I can't listen to anymore of this, the guy's losing a lung in there. (Russell's daughter Molly enters.) Molly: Hello. Jerry: Hi. George: Hi. Molly: I'm Molly. Jerry: Oh, I'm Jerry. George: George. Jerry: We're here discussing our script with your father. George: He just read it. (Russell vomits again. Jerry and George look ashamed.) Molly: Daddy? Are you okay? Russell (From Bathroom): Yeah, yeah sweetie. I'm fine. (Molly sits on the back of the chair.) George: So, you live with your mother, huh? Molly: Uh, yeah. George (To Jerry): Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid. Jerry: Uh huh. George: Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know. (Russell comes out of the bathroom.) Molly: Daddy, are you alright? What's the matter? Russell: It's just a stomach thing. Molly: Yuck. Russell (To Jerry And George): We're going to have to do this some other time, so if you'll give me your number, I'll call you later. (Jerry and George nod. Molly takes her jacket off.) George: You know, suddenly I'm in the mood for pasta primavera myself. (Jerry nudges George to sneak a peek at Molly's cleavage as she bends over and looks in her backpack. Jerry has a quick look, but George stares, hypnotized. Russell comes up behind George.) Russell (Angrily): Get a good look, Costanza? Jerry: What were you doing? George: Well, it's not my fault. You poked me! Jerry: You're supposed to just take a peek after a poke. You were like you just put a quarter into one of those big metal things on top of the Empire State Building. George: It's cleavage. I couldn't look away. What am I, waiting to win an Oscar here? This is all I have in my life. Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away. George: All right. So, he caught me in a cleavage peek, so big deal. Who wouldn't look at his daughter's cleavage? She's got nice cleavage. Jerry: That's why I poked. George: That's why I peeked. (Jerry opens the door to take some trash out, and meets Kramer and Gail in the hallway.) Gail: Hey! What is with your friend Elaine? Jerry: What? Gail: She comes to my restaurant, comes right in my kitchen, and starts complaining that I'm talking about her shoes. Jerry: She did? Kramer: Right in the kitchen. Disgraceful. Gail: So, I don't want people coming into my kitchen. I think she might have sneezed all over someone's pasta primavera. Someone might have gotten sick because of her. (Kramer and Gail exit.) George: Pasta primavera? Jerry: Is that what she said? (Kramer pokes his head back in the door.) Kramer (To Jerry): She's somethin', huh? She's a wild one. She's wearin' me out. Jerry: She is? Kramer: She's sensual. You know, with the...cooking and all. (Kramer grins happily at Jerry and leaves. The phone rings. Jerry tosses the trashbag to George.) Jerry: Hello? Oh, hi Stu. George (Lazily Swinging The Garbage Bag Around): From NBC? Jerry: (to George) Yeah. (oh the phone) What's goin' on? What? Really? Oh my god...did he give you a reason?...Oh boy. Okay. Alright. Thanks. (hangs up.) Dalrymple just cancelled the pilot. (George drops the bag, shocked.) Jerry (To Elaine): If you hadn't gone into her restaurant, this never would have happened. Elaine: Look, I don't like people talking about my shoes behind my back, okay? My shoes are my business. The two of you shouldn't have been looking at some fifteen year-old's cleavage anyway! George: He poked me! Jerry: There was cleavage in the area. That's a reflex - (mimics nudging someone with an elbow) - cleavage-poke, cleavage-poke... Elaine: But she was fifteen. Jerry: You don't consider age in the face of cleavage. This occurs on a molecular level, you can't control it! We're like some kind of weird fish where the eyes operate independently of the head. George: Alright, what's the difference. What are we gonna do now? He won't take our calls, we can't get into his office... Jerry: You know what we could do? He eats at that restaurant, Pfeiffer's? We could have Gail call us, tell us the next time he's there, go there and talk to him. George: Hey, now you're onto something. Jerry: The whole thing is so stupid. Like he wouldn't do the same thing if Elaine walked by in a low-cut dress. George: Yeah. Well, maybe not Elaine. Jerry: No. George: But...somebody like Gail, though. Jerry: Ya. Elaine: What? What do you mean, Gail? (Kramer enters.) Kramer: Yah-hey. Jerry: Kramer, listen, I want you to ask Gail to do me a favor. The next time Russell Dalrymple comes in the restaurant, ask her if she would call me. Kramer: Alright, I'll call her right now. Jerry: Ok. (Kramer goes back to his apartment.) Elaine (To George): What do you mean, Gail? You don't think I can attract attention? You don't think I can put asses in the seats? Jerry: Look, sweetheart, you know you've got it all. But let's face it... (Kramer comes back.) Kramer: She said she'll do it. George: Beautiful. Jerry: Beautiful. Kramer (Points At Elaine'S Feet): But she wants the shoes. Elaine: What? Kramer: She says she wants those shoes. Elaine: She wants my shoes? What kind of person is this? Alright! She is not getting 'em! Jerry: No, come on! I'll buy you another pair! Elaine: No, these were the last pair of these that they had! Jerry: I'll get you another one just like it! Elaine: No, but these were the only really cool ones like this! Don't you see how everybody likes 'em and how everybody talks about 'em? (Jerry, realizing Elaine's motivation, sits at the counter unbelievingly.) George (To Elaine, In A Somber Tone): Elaine, this pilot...it doesn't matter to me, it's not me I'm concerned about...it's my mother. I've been over to the hospital to see her... Elaine: Oh yeah, because she caught you jer - George: Never mind! Elaine: Oh, come on, wait a second, this whole thing is ridiculous. How do I even know she wears the same size? Kramer: Alright, what size are you? Elaine: Seven-and-a-half. Kramer: Eh! Bingo. Gail (Hands A Plate To Another Chef): Sauce this. (Goes to the telephone and dials.) Yeah, he's here. Oh, and one more thing...bring the shoes. (Hangs up.) Jerry: Hey! Whattaya know! George: Look who's here! Jerry: Fancy meeting you here! Russell: Oh. Hello. George (Notices Russell'S Lunch): Pasta primavera! Back on the horse. Jerry: You know, it's a funny thing, because after the pilot got cancelled, we hadn't heard from you. George: Didn't hear anything... Jerry: Didn't know...we were wondering...what happened. Russell: Well, it just didn't seem to be the right project for us right now. (Elaine walks by in a low-cut dress. Jerry and George look at her as she moves to the table opposite Russell.) So, what were you saying? George: Oh...uh, because if it had anything at all to do with what you perceived as me leering at your daughter, I really have to take issue with that. I did not leer. (To Jerry) Did I leer? Jerry: No leer. (Elaine comes over to Russell's table.) Elaine (To Russell): Uh, excuse me, are you using that ketchup? Russell (Not Noticing Elaine'S Cleavage): Uh, no. (Elaine takes the ketchup and goes back to her table.) George: Because, if I'm looking straight ahead, and something enters my field of vision, that's merely a happenstance. (Elaine loudly snaps and unfolds her napkin at the next table to get Russell's attention.) Russell: Under the circumstances, I don't really feel that we should be in business together. (Elaine comes back over.) Elaine: Here's your ketchup back. You know, I had the hardest time trying to get some out. I mean, I just kept pounding and pounding on the bottom of it. Do you have any trouble? Russell (Still Not Noticing Elaine'S Cleavage): No. Elaine (Leaning Forward): Do you have a...ketchup secret? Russell: No, I... (finally notices Elaine)...don't have a ketchup secret. (Smiles.) Elaine (Flirtatiously): Because if you do have a ketchup secret, I would really, really like to know what it is. (Russell is pleased, and smiles at Elaine. Elaine goes back to her table, sits down, and waves at Russell.) Russell (To Jerry And George, Reconsidering About The Pilot): Field of vision, huh? Gail: How's everything? Elaine: Mmmm. Jerry: Really good. George: This pasta primavera is fabulous. Jerry: Very tasty. Gail: How'd everything go with that NBC guy? George: Great. Jerry: The pilot's back on. In fact, Elaine's going out with him tomorrow night. (Gail nods and walks away.) Listen, Elaine, you know if Russell mentions anything about the pilot, you'll of course tell him how much you liked it...? Elaine: You know, I happen to have the script right here with me and, uh...on page 3, for example, suppose the Elaine character comes in wearing a...a low-cut dress. And the butler is very distracted, and can't work. Jerry: Uh...that kind of comedy, that's a little broad for us. Elaine: Well, I'm sure it's right up Russell's alley. George: Well, it's a funny idea. Jerry: It's funny! George: C'mon, funny is funny. Jerry: Funny is funny, we're here to entertain, right? Elaine: Alright, well, maybe I'll mention it to Russell tomorrow night. Jerry: If you can. George: Yeah. Where's he taking you, by the way? Elaine: Bouchard's, on 53rd. (George starts choking on his wine, and attempts to tell Elaine something.) Jerry: I think what he's trying to say is, "get the bouilla-base." (George nods 'yes' and continues to choke.)

Allison: I don't want to *live*! I don't want to *live*! George: Because of me? You must be joking! Who wouldn't want to live because of me? I'm nothing! Allison: No... You're *something*. George: You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good! Allison: You're good. You're *good*! George: I'm bad. I'm *bad*! Allison: You're *killing* me! George: So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. She threatened to kill herself. Elaine: Over you? George: Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable? George: I got two tickets to see "Guys And Dolls". Elaine: I got him a two-line phone. Jerry: Unbelievable! She's not there. George: What paper does she write for? Jerry: The works for the NYU school newspaper. She's a grad student in journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me, has no idea who I am. Elaine: Never even seen you? Gotta kinda envy that... Jerry: Y'know, you've been developing quite the acid-tongue lately... Elaine: [Proudly] Really? Elaine: Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader? Jerry: Living or all time? Elaine: All time. Jerry: Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev. Elaine: I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle? George: Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle. Elaine: I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree. Elaine: Y'know, just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean you should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already. George: So, whaddya say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love. Jerry: [indignantly] What's the matter with you? George: [quietly] C'mon, go along... Jerry: I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose- stepping past me "C'mon Jerry, go along, go along..." Jerry: Y'know I hear that all the time. Elaine: Hear what? Jerry: That I'm gay. People think I'm gay. Elaine: Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too. Jerry: Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat. Elaine: And you get along well with women. George: I guess that leaves me in the clear... George: I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor. Jerry: Oh yeah, what? "Buck Naked"? George: Yeah, how did you know that? Jerry: You told me that already like two months ago. George: Allison bought it for me. Jerry: How you gonna get out of *that* one? George: I dunno. I guess I have to wait for her to die. Jerry: He's gonna hang around if that's alright with you? Sharon: Sure, I'd like to talk to him, too. George: Jerry did you wash this pear? Jerry: Yeah, I washed it. George: It looks like it hasn't been washed. Jerry: So *wash* *it*. George: You hear the way he talks to me? Sharon: You should hear how *my* boyfriend talks to me... George: Let me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt? Sharon: It's nice. George: Jerry said he didn't like it. Jerry: I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was O.K... George: No, you said you didn't like it... Jerry: Oh, so what if I don't like it. Is that like the end of the world, or something? Sharon: So how did you two meet? Jerry: Actually, we met in the gym locker room. George: Yeah. Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since. (George Takes A Hold Of Jerry'S Leg To Stress The Point And Sharon, Who Obviously Thinks She Has A Real Story Here Now, Asks Another Question: ) Sharon: Do you guys live together? Jerry: [quizzically] Live together? George: No, I got my own place. (Jerry Is About *This* Close (Picture My Thumb And Forefinger *Really* Close Together) To Figuring Out What Is Going On Here, When The "Question Fatale" Is Asked: ) Sharon: And do your parents know? Jerry: Know *what*? George: My parents? They don't know *what's* goin' on... Jerry: Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us. I *knew* you looked familiar! Jerry: There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that... George: No, of course not... Jerry: I mean that's fine if that's who you are... George: Absolutely... Jerry: I mean I have many gay friends... George: My *father* is gay... Sharon: Look, I know what I heard. Jerry: It was a *joke*... George: Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon! (Not That That Approach Was Going To Work, Or Anything, But What Minute Chance They Had Of Convincing Her Is Blown Away As The Door Bursts Open And: ) Kramer: Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were going to take a steam! George: No! Jerry: No steam! Kramer: Well I don't want to sit there naked all by myself! Kramer: Happy birthday paruba! Jerry: Today's not my birthday. Kramer: Well, I beg to differ... Jerry: Look at this! A phone! A two-line phone! Jerry: Hey, where you going? Elaine: I gotta go return something... Sharon: Jerry, it's Sharon from NYU. I'm just calling to tell you that I'm not going to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry. Jerry: Thank you very much, that's great- >click< Oh! Hold on a sec, I got a call on the other line. >click click< Hello? George: Hey. Jerry: Hey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that reporter from the newspaper on the other line. George: So, what did she say? Jerry: She says she's not going to play up that angle of the story. She thinks we're heterosexual. [sarcastically] I guess we *fooled* her. I'll get rid of her, hold on... >click click< Sharon? Hello? Sharon, are you there? >click click< I'm back... George: Y'know... I could hear you on the other line... Jerry: What are you talkin' about? George: I heard what you said "Sharon, are you there?". Jerry: You heard me talkin' on the other line, are you sure? George: Yes, I heard you! Jerry: Well, maybe she was disconnected. George: Maybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the whole conversation! Jerry: Alright, hang on. Let me call Kramer and see if you can hear anything, hold on. >click click click<... Kramer: Yello? Jerry: Kramer, there may be a problem with the phone, hold on. >click click< George: "There may be a problem with the phone, hold on"! Jerry: Oh no! >click click< Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk, goodbye! George: "The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye"! Jerry: Oh no! Now she's heard everything! What are we gonna do?!? George: Now she thinks we're gay, not that there's anything wrong with it... Jerry: No, no, of course not! People's personal sexual preferences are nobody's business but their own! Sharon: Why don't you take a seat? Elaine: Thank-you. Sharon: Why don't you take your coat off? Elaine: So she kept insisting I take off my coat. I refused, and then she forcibly tried to get me to remove it. Jerry: She wouldn't take her coat off at my house, either. George: Y'know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war! Jerry: So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that... George: Not at all. George: Two tickets to "Guys And Dolls"! I'm gonna go with you! Jerry: "Guys And Dolls"? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway musical? George: It's "Guys And *Dolls*", not "Guys And *Guys*". Jerry: "The Collected Works Of Bette Midler". Jerry: What do you got there? Man #1: _The New York Post_, they've got an article about you. Jerry: "Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his long-time *companion* seem to be inseparable..." Oh no! The Associated Press picked up the NYU story. That's going to be in every paper! I've been "outed"! I wasn't even "in"! George: Now everyone's going to think we're gay! Jerry: Not that there's anything wrong with that... George: No, not at all... Jerry: "Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor *pad*, Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of *fruit* like an old married couple-" *I told you that pear was washed*! Kramer: I thought we were friends... Jerry: Here we go... Kramer: I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me? Jerry: It's not true! Kramer: Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! C'mon, Jerry, the masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single... Jerry: So are you... Kramer: Yeah- George: Hello? Mrs. S: George? George: Mrs. Seinfeld?!? Mrs. S: Oh, my God... Jerry: Oh, my God! [takes the phone] Ma? Mrs. S: Jerry? Jerry: Ma! George: Oh, my God! My *MOTHER*!!! Mrs. S: Jerry? Jerry: Ma, it's not true! Mr. S: It's those damn culottes you made him wear when he was five! Mrs. S: They weren't culottes, they were shorts. Mr. S: They were culottes! You bought them in the girl's department. Mrs. S: By mistake! By mistake, Jerry! I'm sorry! Mr. S: It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud! Jerry: Ma, it has nothing to do with the culottes! Mrs. S: Not that there's anything wrong with that, Jerry. Mrs. C: I open up the paper, and *this* is what I have to read about? I fell right off the toilet. My back went out again, I couldn't move... The super had to come and get help me up. I was half naked! George: It's *not* *true*! Mrs. C: Every *day* it's something else with you. I don't know anything about you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows *what* you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films. George: Yeah. I'm Buck Naked. Mrs. C: Jerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin. Not that there's anything wrong with it. George: Of course not... Nurse: 630, Scott. Time for your sponge bath. George: Alright, now the play is tomorrow night. So do you want to have dinner first, or do you just want to meet at the theatre? Sailor: Excuse me, sir? I don't mean to bother you. I just wanted you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did, and that you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a discharge from the service. Thanks. Jerry: Y'know, I think I'll pass on the "Guys And Dolls"... George: No. Just imagine her reaction. Elaine: Yeah... George: Oh, my God... Jerry: What? George: She hasn't seen the article! When she sees it, she's gonna think- *I'm out baby*!! I'm out!!!!! Allison: Yeah? So? George: Yeah so?? Allison: Well this is nice. They mention your name. George: Don't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what that's implying? Allison: No, what? George: I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay. Allison: You're *gay*? George: Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness. Allison: [matter-of-factly] I don't believe it. George: You don't believe me? Ask Jerry. Allison: I will. George: What do you mean you will? That's a bad idea. Jerry is a very private person. Allison: [Grabs George's lapels] I want to hear it from *Jerry*... Sharon: Oh, can you ever forgive me? Jerry: I dunno... [they kiss again] *Alright*, I forgive you... Sharon: Y'know the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately. Jerry: I was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane. George: Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?! Jerry: What!? George: You're with a *woman*! Jerry: I know! What are you doin' here?!? George: I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do! I trusted you! Jerry: [forcibly removing G. from the apt] Would you get the Hell out of here! Sharon: What's going on? Allison: Yeah, what's going on? George: Alright, tell her. Go ahead. Jerry: Tell her what? George: Y'know. About *us*. George: Alright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not gay. My name's Buck Naked, I'm a porno actor. Allison: *Really*? Kramer: We'll see you later... Kramer: He's the *phone* man! Kramer: Not that there's anything wrong with that... I Am Not Gay. I Am, However, Thin, Single And Neat. Sometimes When Someone Is Thin, Single And Neat People Assume They Are Gay Because That Is A Stereotype. They Normally Don'T Think Of Gay People As Fat, Sloppy And Married. Although I'M Sure There Are, I Don'T Want To Perpetuate The Stereotype. I'M Sure They Are The Minority Though Within The Gay Community. They'Re Probably Discriminated Against Because Of That, People Say To Them "Y'Know Joe, I Enjoy Being Gay With You But I Think Think It'S About Time, Y'Know That You Got In Shape, Tucked The Shirt In And Lost The Wife". But If People Are Even Going To Assume That People That Are Neat Are Gay, Maybe Instead Of Doin' This: "Y'know I think Joe might be a little... [waves hand back and forth]", they should vacuum "Y'know I think Joe might be >vroom< [makes vacuuming motion]. Yeah, I got a feeling he's a little >vrooom<..."

George: Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like? Jerry: Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll *all* be over... George: Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English. Jerry: Yeah, how about a mute? George: A mute would be good. Jerry: Ah, where you gonna meet a mute? George: This is what my life has come to... Tryin to meet a mute. George: I dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's a void, Jerry, there's a void... Jerry: A deep, yawning chasm... George: There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure? Jerry: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure. Elaine: Hey boys! Jerry: Hey! How you doin'? Elaine: Good. Okay, well, it's all set. I start tomorrow. George: Start what? Elaine: I signed up to do volunteer work with senior citizens. George: *Really*. Elaine: Yeah. God, I can't tell you how I feel! I mean, I feel *so* *good*! I *really* feel good. The strange thing is, I mean, I haven't even met the woman yet. George: Volunteer work, huh? Jerry: What're you gonna do down there? Elaine: Well, they say all it is is that you go over to their apartment and, I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee and it's supposed to make them feel good. Jerry: That's what I do with him [points at George] George: When did you get this idea? Elaine: Last time I had lunch with you here. You were going *on* and *on* and *on* about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak English. Jerry: What, do you break it in with her, then you try it out on me? George: And... and anybody can do this? Elaine: Yup. George: Helping people... Of course. Of course! It makes perfect sense! How could I *not* be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, Dammit! Elaine: [To Jerry] What about you? Jerry: Nah, it's not for me. Elaine: Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you. George: What *kind* of a person are you? Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you- only successful. Agency Rep: This is a wonderful thing you're doing. They're so grateful just to have someone to talk to. And I can tell you that everyone who participates finds the experience extremely rewarding. George: Well, I feel better already. I'm feelin' like a good person. Agency Rep: Good luck. Jerry: Thank you. George: Hey, what's your guy's name again? Jerry: Fields. Sidney Fields. *87* years old. *87*. How about your guy? George: Ben Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll make it to that age? Jerry: *We*? No. Kramer: So what's up, Diggity Dog? Jerry: George and I just signed up with the Senior Citizen's Volunteer Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing. Kramer: Oh, that's too bad. Now don't say I didn't try to warn you. Jerry: What're you talkin' about? Kramer: Oh, Jerry, I'm *surprised* at you! Jerry: What? Kramer: It's a *con*. These agencies are usually a front for some money laundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out of their life savings, oh *yeah*. Jerry: Where do you *get* this? Kramer: The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth. Newman: Kramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?! Kramer!!? Kramer: I'm in here. C'mon... Jerry: Hello, *Newman*... Newman: Jerry, George. [To Kramer] So, did you ask him about the records? Kramer: Well- Jerry: What records? Kramer: Well, Newman and I are going partners selling used records. Newman: You know Ron's Records down on Bleeker? They pay big cash for used records! Kramer: Yeah, so we thought if you had any of those big, y'know, old-fashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around- Kramer: Y'know, we'd take them off your hands, free of charge. George: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman? Newman: I'm a United States postal worker. George: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody? Newman: Sometimes... Jerry: Why *is* that? Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's *Publisher's Clearing House* day!!! Ron: I'll give you five bucks. Kramer: Five bucks??? Newman: Well, you know how much those records are worth!? Ron: Yeah, I do... Fi' dollars. Newman: Those records are worth more than five dollars! Kramer: [In Newman's ear] He's gyppin' us... Newman: You're gyppin' us! Ron: Well, whattya got here, y'know, you got "Don Ho Live At Honolulu", you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio Mendes, now come on... Kramer: Wait, wait, wait... Sergio Mendes has a cult following. Newman: They follow him like a cult. Kramer: He can't even walk down the street in South America... Ron: Look, that's his problem, alright? Now you don't like it, too bad. Kramer: [In Newman's ear] I don't like it... Newman: I don't like it. Ron: Well, then get the Hell out of my store, alright? You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money. Kramer: [In Newman's ear] Alright, well be back, jack. Newman: Alright, well be back... *jack*! Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me. Housekeeper: Agency? Jerry: Yeah, is this Sid Field's residence? Housekeeper: Sid Fields. Sid: What the *Hell* is it? Jerry: Mr. Fields? Sid: What!?! Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me. Sid: Agency? What agency? The *CIA*? Jerry: No, no, the- Sid: Who let you in here? Jerry: The woman, she- Sid: Oh *her*. She *steals* from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My *ass* she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as Hell wasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house... Jerry: Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you. Sid: Oh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend. Are you going to *kill* me? I'm an old man for crying out loud, you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!? [Jerry gets out card] Jerry: No, Mr. Field, look, really I'm- Sid: I can't read that you fool... Jerry: What's all this stuff? Sid: Trash. Garbage. Jerry: You're throwin' this out?? Sid: I believe that's what you do with garbage, you idiot. (You Can Make Out The Albums Pretty Clearly. One Is An Apparent K-Tel "Classic": "22 Explosive Hits", I don't know the other one. Anyone? I believe "The Beatles" (The White Album) is there also.) Jerry: You don't want any of this? Sid: Well if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing it away, *Ein-stein*. Jerry: You know I have some friends who would really like to have these. Sid: Well, take it. I'm sure as Hell not going to give it to my family. Jerry: Well, do you want to go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee... Sid: With you? I'd rather be dead. Jerry: Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just remembered I got an appointment to get my, um, tonsils out. Sid: Good. Thank God. Good riddance. [pause] Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? HAA!! Ben: No, I feel great for 85. George: Y'know the average life span for an American male is like, 72. You're really... kinda pushin' the envelope there. Ben: I'm not afraid of dyin'. I never think about it. George: You don't? Boy, I think about it a lot. I think about it at my age. Imagine how much I'll be thinkin' about it at your age. All I'll do is keep thinkin' about it until it drives me insane... Ben: I'm grateful for every moment I have. George: Grateful? How can you be grateful when you're *so* close to the end? When you know that any second- Poof! Bamm-O! It can all be over. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting on the wall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake... Ben: I guess I just don't care. George: What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any *sense*?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile that you don't know what you're talkin about Anymore!!?! George: Wait a second, where are you going? Ben: Life's too short to waste on you. George: Wait a minute, please- Ben: Get out of my way... George: But Mr. Cantwell, you... you owe me for the soup... Elaine: Mrs. Oliver? Mrs. O: Yes my dear. Elaine: Ooh! Mrs. O: What's the trouble? Are you alright? Elaine: Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Mrs. O: It's my goiter, isn't it? Elaine: Did you say goiter? What goiter? Mrs. O: This football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck. Elaine: Oh, *that* goiter. Hey... Heh heh heh... Whaddya know... Mrs. O: Does it bother you? Elaine: Bother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a little goiter like that bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um, in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you want to know something? I, I wish I had one. [pause] Really. Jerry: C'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter... Elaine: I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't look the woman in the face. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they send you over there "Oh, by the way, this woman *almost* has a second head". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information. Jerry: They really should mention that in the breakdown height, weight, goiter. Elaine: Y'know you try to do some good. You want to be a good person but this is too much to ask. Jerry: Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice disposition than the nut they sent me to. Elaine: Hey Georgie, what happened with your guy? George: I don't think it's gonna work out... Jerry: Whattya mean? George: He fired me. Jerry: He fired you?!? Elaine: *How* do you get fired from a volunteer job? George: I dunno. I was just talking to the man and he walked out on me! Jerry: Well, I dunno about you two, but I'm quitting. I hate my guy. He's a mean, mean guy. Elaine: I wish I could quit... Jerry: So quit! George: Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up. Kramer: Well, here's your *albums* [Journey "Escape" is on top, BTW...] Jerry: What happened? Newman: Five dollars. He offered us *five* dollars. Kramer: Hey, what kind of stuff are you listening to? You *embarrassed* me at that store. Newman: That guy thought we were a couple of total squares. Jerry: Oh yeah, you and your *Sergio Mendes*... Kramer: Hey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America! Jerry: Well you shoulda seen the pile of albums this old guy I was visiting today was throwing away Sinatra, Duke Ellington, Al Jolson, Benny Goodman... Kramer: Wait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin them out?? Jerry: Yeah, and then I asked him if my friend could have them and he said yeah. Kramer: Okay... Newman: [In Kramer's ear] The old coot's sittin' on a mountain of gold! Kramer: Yeah... Jerry: But you're going to have to go get em. I'm not carryin' them all. Kramer: Yeah, but you've gotta come with us. Jerry: Yeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact you should see this house keeper he's got. She's from Senegal [and, ala Carson] Wild, Wild, Stuff... George: Senegal? George: So you don't speak *any* English at all? Housekeeper: English? No. Sid: Hey, what are those bums doin' back there? Jerry: Well you said they could come and take the records. Sid: It's like watchin' a couple of hyenas goin' through the garbage. George: You don't speak *any* English? Housekeeper: No English. George: I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body. [No reaction] You don't understand! It's a miracle! You don't understand because you don't speak English! Jerry: So Mr. Fields I just don't know if this arrangement is- Sid: Hey, I don't like what's goin' on around here. I want all you bums outta here. Kramer: Now calm down, Mr. Fields... Sid: Now don't tell me to calm down... Get your hands off of me! Why you little... Kramer: Oooow! He's biting me! Sid: My teeth! My teeth! Jerry: Where's his teeth! Where's his teeth! George: I thought I saw something fly over here... Jerry: Well turn the light on... Jerry: That's the garbage disposal! Sid: My teeth! You idiots!!! Mrs. O: And we would take long automobile trips- Elaine: Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun... Mrs. O: Staring out the window- Elaine: Uh huh... Mrs. O: You'd see a long view of rolling pastures and- Elaine: Well, that'll get you goin' right there... Mrs. O: Big, roaming cows- Elaine: Cows, well that's fascinating... Mrs. O: That's when I began my affair with Mohandas. Elaine: What? Mrs. O: Mohandas. Elaine: Ghandhi? Mrs. O: Oh, the *passion*. The *forbidden pleasure*- Elaine: You had an affair with Ghandhi? MRS. O He used to dip his bald head in oil and rub it all over my body. Here, look... [shows Elaine a picture of the two together] Elaine: Oh, my God... The Mohatma? Ron: Twenty bucks. Newman: Twenty bucks?!? Are you out of your mind? Ron: Well, take it or leave it. Newman: Take it or leave it!? We got *Al Jolson* here, *Al Jolson*!! Ron: Now what the Hell do I care about Al Jolson. I'd just assume her you sing "Mammy". Heh heh heh... Kramer: [In Newman's ear] This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap... Newman: You are nothing but a piece of crap. Ron: Pardon me? Kramer: [In Newman's ear] A piece of crap... Newman: A piece of crap. Kramer: [In Newman's ear] I find you extremely ugly... Newman: I find you extremely ugly. Ron: *Do* you? Kramer: [In Newman's ear] You emit a foul and unpleasant odour... Newman: You emit a foul and unpleasant odour. Ron: Oh, is that right? Kramer: [In Newman's ear] I *loathe* you... Newman: I *loathe* you. Ron: That's it. Get out of my store! Kramer: [In Newman's ear] Make us. Newman: Make us! Ron: Oh, I'll make you! Agency Rep: Do you realize how irresponsible this is? Our agency's sole purpose is to care for senior citizens. And in one fell swoop you've single- handedly destroyed our reputation. Jerry: Yes, but- Jerry: [Into intercom] Yes? Tim: It's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son. Jerry: Alright, c'mon up. Jerry: [To Rep] I dunno what happened, we were just trying to take him to the dentist. Agency Rep: Why were you taking him to the dentist? Jerry: Um, well, his false teeth got mangled up in the garbage disposal- Agency Rep: What were his false teeth doing in the garbage disposal? Jerry: Well, after he bit my friend- Agency Rep: Bit your friend?! Tim: What the *Hell* is going on here? How do you *lose* a human being?! Jerry: I, I'm sorry. Tim: And who were these other people. What were they doing in the apartment!? Jerry: Well, I brought them up there to take his records- Tim: Take his *records*? Do you realize how valuable that record collection is? Kramer: Hey. Jerry: There you are. Did you find him? Kramer: No, y'know we took the old man's records over to Ron's and he tried to *screw* us so we got in a fight. Newman: It was a real melee. Kramer: Yeah, a real brouhaha...

Sidra: Oh, hi Jerry. Jerry: Hi, Sidra. I usually last about ten minutes on a Stairmaster. Unless of course there's someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour. Sidra (Amused): Really. Jerry: Oh, yeah. That's why they call it a Stairmaster. You get up there and you stare. Sidra (Stepping Off): Well, I'm done. I think I'm gonna go take a sauna. Jerry: Alright, I'll see you Thursday night, right? Sidra: Thursday night. Jerry: Alright. Elaine: Good workout? Jerry (Mimics Smoking An "After Sex Cigarette"): Tremendous workout. Elaine: That's a pretty girl. Jerry: Tremendous girl. Elaine: She's the one you went out with last night? Jerry: Yeah. I really like her. Elaine: You know, uh...they're fake. Jerry: What? Don't say that! Elaine: Nah! They're fake! Jerry: How do you know? Elaine: I can tell. You know how you're always bragging how you can spot a lesbian? Jerry: I'm not bragging, I happen to have a very keen lesbian eye. (A woman walks by Jerry and Elaine.) Hi, how ya doin.' (Jerry jerks a thumb at the woman to confirm his talent. Elaine is skeptical.) Elaine: Oh, right. C'mon, don't you think they seem a bit too perfect? Jerry: Yes, they do! Elaine: I never knew you were so into breasts. I thought you were a leg man. Jerry: A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs. Have you ever seen her naked in the locker room? Elaine: No. Jerry: Oh, well, then I can't accept your testimony. Maybe if you had seen her naked. Elaine: I don't want to see her naked. Jerry: Well, I do. Elaine: Well, that's your problem. Jerry: Look, you made the allegation. The least you could do is follow up. Elaine: Jerry, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna go in there and spy on her in the sauna? Jerry: Yes! Go in there! Do a little investigative journalism. I need to know! Elaine: But a few more dates and you can find out for yourself! Jerry: Don't be so sure. Look at George - he's on his ninth date with Betsy, he still hasn't gotten anywhere with her. Elaine: What's his problem? Jerry: Well, every time he tries to make a move, something screws up. Like on their last date, they were on the couch, but she was sitting on his wrong side. Elaine: Wrong side? Jerry: Yeah, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand. Can't go left. Elaine: He can't go left. Jerry: No! I'm lefty, can't go right. What about women? Do they go left or right? Elaine: Nah, we just play defense. George: Can I ask you a question? Would you mind switching seats? Betsy: Oh, actually, I really prefer to sit here. I don't hear very well out of this ear (points to her right ear) so, I always try to sit to the right of people. George: I'll shout. Betsy: Well, I really think I feel more comfortable here. George: C'mon, c'mon...(stands up and physically rolls Betsy to the left side of the couch.) See, now, is that so bad? Betsy: What? (The phone rings.) George (Attempting To Make A Move): No, no, the machine'll get it... Betsy: No, no, it's not on... George: They'll call back. Betsy: But George, what if it's an emergency? George: In the whole world right now, there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think, on this entire planet, that you're one of those three? Betsy: George, please. (Gets up and answers the phone.) Hello? What? (shocked) Oh my god! George: Alright, maybe four. Elaine'S Brain: Boy, I'm really sweatin.' Good sweat, beads of sweat...sweatin' bullets. (Notices Sidra.) Look at her. I don't need to see her naked to know those aren't real. Why does she need to tie the towel around her? She's got a rack on her chest. (Sidra takes her towel off and lies down.) Oh god! Sidra's takin' the towel off! (Looks at Sidra's chest.) Whoa, doctor! That's it, I knew it! I knew it, they're definitely fake. Betsy: So, when's the funeral? Well, Aunt Clarice was so ill, I guess it was really a blessing. (George, on the couch behind Betsy, is impatiently waiting for her to get off the phone so he can continue putting the moves on her. He shrugs, and crosses himself.) Yeah, I'll fly home as soon as I can. (George waves goodbye, and mimics a plane flying through the air with his hand.) O.k. You, too. Get some sleep. (Betsy looks at George, and he manufactures a completely phony look of sorrow.) Jerry: You're sure? Elaine: Positive! This chick's playin' with confederate money. Jerry: Well then, that's it. That's the end of that. Elaine: What? Just 'cause of that? Jerry: Just 'cause of that? It's like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat! Elaine: Oh, come on! You've dated women with nosejobs, what's the difference? Jerry: You don't touch the nose! You don't aspire to reach the nose. You don't unhook anything to get to a nose, and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril. Elaine: You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you? Jerry: Well, I take it very seriously. Elaine: You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Hey. You know, I do kinda wonder what fake breast feel like. Kramer: Well, I know what they feel like. Jerry: You? How do you know? Kramer: Well, I lived in Los Angeles for three months. Elaine (Laughs): I thought you hated Los Angeles. Kramer: I do! I just miss the warm weather, y'know? Jeez. Oh man, I wish I could get away. Jerry: Real busy now down at the office? Kramer: No. Huh? You know who I saw at the health club? Salman Rushdie. Elaine (Laughing): Yeah right, Salman Rushdie. Yeah well, I can see that - you got five millions Moslems after you, you wanna stay in pretty good shape. George: I know what the problem is - I like her too much. That's why I can't make a move. Jerry: You put her on a pedestal. Kramer: I put them on a dental chair. Jerry: He puts 'em on a dental chair. George: I'm not her boyfriend. I want to be her boyfriend. Kramer: Whoo. It's like a sauna in here. George: That's funny. You're a funny guy. Jerry: Yeah, funny. Yeah, I never heard that before. (To George) So, you goin' to the funeral? George: Why, you think I should? Jerry: What, are you kidding? It's a golden opportunity to advance the relationship. She's crying, you put your arm around her and console her...you're the consolation guy! George: I'm the consolation guy...? Kramer: Consolation Guy is big. Jerry: Her aunt dying is the best thing that ever happened to you. Kramer: It's like ten dates in one shot. Jerry: This confers upon you instant boyfriend status. The family's there...you're taking care of things...you're gettin' the sandwiches...you're the rock! George: It's in Detroit though, it's an expensive flight. Kramer: Why don't you get a "death in the family" fare? George: What? Kramer: You go to the airlines, you tell them you got a death in the family? They give you 50% off the fare. George: Really? Kramer: In fact, listen...I'll go down there with ya. You know, we'll tell them there's a death in my family, you buy the ticket, I'll split it...then I'll get the bonus miles and you'll get to Detroit for a quarter of the price! Elaine'S Brain: Boy, I'm gettin' a good sweat here. Great sweat, good beads. Nice beads. Elaine'S Brain: Ah, look who's here. "Silicon Valley." Sidra (To Her Friend): So anyway, we go out on one date, he asks me out for a second, then out of nowhere he cancels the date and says he doesn't want to see me again. Elaine: Uh...sorry, I couldn't help overhearing. Sidra: Oh, that's o.k. Elaine: Did he give you a reason? Sidra: Yeah. He's going back to his old girlfriend. Elaine: Really? Sidra: He said she's mentally ill. He's one of those guys who is obsessed with neatness and order? Everything has gotta be just so. He would have made a great Nazi. Elaine: Hey, does he ever talk about Superman? Sidra: Yes! How did you know? Elaine: Oh, I know the type. Sidra: So you can relate? Elaine: Oh, yeah. Sidra (Sits Across From Elaine And Takes Her Towel Off): You know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcy. Elaine: Oh, hi. I'm Elaine. (Gets up to shake Sidra's hand, but stumbles and falls "right into them.") Elaine: So anyway, I stood up to shake her hand, then suddenly I lost my balance and I fell right into her. Jerry: You fell on her? Elaine: I touched 'em. Jerry: You what? Elaine: I...touched...'em. Jerry: You touched 'em?! Elaine: I needed them to help me break my fall! If it hadn't been for them, I could have really injured myself! Jerry: Wow. Elaine: Anyway...they're real. Jerry: Excuse me?! Elaine: I think they might be real. Jerry: Oh, what do you know, you have no breast touching experience. Elaine: I've touched mine! Jerry: So have I. Elaine: Oh, right...I forgot. (smiles) Jerry: Anyway, touching two breasts doesn't make you an expert. Elaine: Alright, well anyway, I think they're real. And if they are, I must say they are...spectacular. Jerry: Aw, what are you doin' to me? (puts his head down on the counter.) George (To Clerk): You see, my friend here, his aunt passed away last night. Clerk (To Kramer): Oh, I'm very sorry. Kramer: I saw her last week, she looked healthy and peaceful, but...she knew... Clerk: You poor thing! Kramer (Breaking Into Tears): I...I... George: You don't think you can buy the ticket yourself...? No, there, there...you sit, and I'll purchase the ticket for you. Clerk: You're a good friend. George: I understand you offer a 50%-off 'bereavement' fare...? Clerk: Yes, all you have to do is pay the full fare now, then return to any one of our counters with a copy of the death certificate, and we'll refund half your fare. George: The death certificate? Clerk: Yes, yes, we do need documentation or you know, people could take advantage. George: What kind of a sick person would do a thing like that? Clerk: I know! But it happens. George: You want my friend to ask his uncle, a man who just lost his wife of 44 years, for a death certificate so that he can save a few bucks on a flight? Clerk: That would be $387 round-trip. Kramer (In A Perfectly Normal Tone Of Voice): Alright, so you'll need my frequent flyer number, huh? Clerk: Yes. Jerry: I don't know, one minute you say they're fake, the next minute you think they're real...I don't know what to believe! Elaine: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's touched 'em. Jerry: But you were just grabbing on to them to save your life. If you were drowning and I threw you a life preserver, you think you could tell me if it was an inflatable? Elaine: I wouldn't have said anything if I knew you were going to stop seeing her! Jerry: Well, I don't mind someone with a phony personality, but I gotta draw the line somewhere. Kramer: Hey! Jerry: Hey. George off to Detroit? Kramer: Yep! And, in two days, I'm off to Puerto Rico. Elaine: Hey Kramer, by the way, I saw that guy at the health club...that is not Salman Rushdie. Kramer: Pffft - wrong. Jerry: There's Sidra. Kramer: There's Salman. Jerry: Where? Kramer: Talkin' to that woman. Jerry: Talkin' to Sidra? Kramer: If that's Sidra, she's talkin' to Salman. Jerry: I don't think that's Salman. Kramer: Well, I don't think they're real. Jerry: If that's Rushdie, they're real. Kramer: If they're real, that's Rushdie. Jerry: Well, I gotta know - I'm talkin' to Sidra. Kramer: I gotta know, I'm talkin' to Salman. Kramer: It's like a sauna in here, huh? I feel like I'm...back at the desert. "Salman": You've lived in the desert? Kramer: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've uh...I've spent a little time in the Mideast. You ever been to the Mideast? "Salman": Yes, I've been there. Kramer: My name's Kramer. "Salman" (Shakes Kramer'S Hand): Sal Bass. Pleased to meet you, Kramer. Kramer: So, uh...what kind of work do you do? "Salman": I'm a writer. Betsy (To Aunt May): Have you met my boyfriend George? Aunt May: No! (shakes George's hand.) Betsy: George, this is Aunt May, and Father Jessup. Oh, and that's my brother, Timmy. (Timmy smiles thinly.) This is my boyfriend, George. Aunt May: Oh George, how nice of you to come all this way. George: Well, I'm the boyfriend. Otherwise, what's the point of being the boyfriend? This is where you have to be when you're the boyfriend. Aunt May: Betsy, dear, have you had anything to eat? Betsy: I'm not very hungry. Aunt May: They have some very nice snacks. Father Jessup: I'm about to get myself a snack. George: Oh, no, no, no...you sit right here...I will get you a nice snack. Father Jessup: This is my third wake this month. It never gets any easier. George (Loading Up His Plate With Sandwiches): Well, losing a loved is, uh...I mean, forget about it. (Starts wolfing down the sandwiches.) Father Jessup: You seem to be of great comfort to Betsy, we're very appreciative. George: Oh - comfort, schmomfort. Listen, Father, can I ask you a question? In a terrible time like this...who would I get the death certificate from? Kramer: C'mon Jerry! Jerry: Oh, how can you be so sure? Kramer: Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer. He said his name was Sal Bass. Bass, Jerry! Instead of salmon, he went with bass! He just substituted one fish for another! Jerry: Look, you idiot, first of all, it's Salman, not salmon! Kramer: Jerry, Jerry, you're missing the big picture! Jerry: Alright, maybe it is, but listen, I gotta get ready - Sidra's coming over in a few minutes, so if you don't mind... Kramer: What, did you ask her? Jerry: I'm gonna find out tonight. Kramer (Nods): Oh, yes indeed... Dr. Allenwood: Why do you need a death certificate? George: Well, Dr, Allenwood, uh...I was hoping to compile an - admittedly, rudimentary - scrapbook of her life. Something that Betsy could have, and hold onto. Dr. Allenwood: Well, I suppose I could make a copy of it. George: Oh, that would be wonderful. Dr. Allenwood: It was very nice meeting you, George. George: Likewise. Timmy: What are you doing? George: What? Timmy: Did...did you just double-dip that chip? George: Excuse me? Timmy: You double-dipped the chip! George: "Double-dipped"? What are you talking about? Timmy: You dipped the chip. You took a bite. (points at the dip) And you dipped again. George: So...? Timmy: That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip - just take one dip and end it! George: Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...but I don't dip that way. (takes a chip.) Timmy: Oh, you don't, huh? George: No. (dips the chip) You dip the way you want to dip...(bites the chip) I'll dip the way I want to dip. (dips the chip again.) Timmy: Gimme the chip! (Grabs George and the chip goes flying.) Gimme the chip! (They struggle in front of the snack table.) Sidra: I don't know what I'm doing here, I must be crazy. (Moves to the couch and sits on the left side. Jerry tries to run over and beat her to it, but doesn't make it. He sits down on the right side.) Jerry: Hey, would you mind switching seats? Sidra: Why? Jerry: Oh, I don't know...I just like sitting to the left of people, makes me feel like I'm driving. Sidra: O.K...(they switch places.) Jerry: How ya doin'? Sidra: Good. How you doin'? Jerry: Good, feel good...you know that Jayne Mansfield had some big breasts. Really big, huge...just coming out the top of her dress, they were like, chokin' her. Sidra: I hear that's how she died. Jerry: Have you noticed that women today are, you know, they seem...bigger. Sidra: Well, a lot of women are having them done. Jerry: Really? Sidra: Yeah. Jerry: How do you like that. Sidra: A lot of people ask me if I've had mine done. Jerry: Aw, you know people. Sidra: It gets a little tiring, it's really none of their business. Jerry: Oh, the nerve. You know, some people have asked me if you've uh, done that. Sidra: What do you tell them? Jerry: Whatever you want me to tell them. Sidra: Well, I think you'll find out soon enough. (They prepare to kiss. There's a loud bang on the door.) Aren't you going to get that? Jerry: No. Sidra: What if it's an emergency? Jerry: Oh, there's no emergency... Kramer (In Hallway): Jerry! C'mon, it's an emergency! Jerry: Excuse me. (Gets up and answers the door.) Alright, what is it? You're interrupting! Kramer: Well, you know, I'm packing for Puerto Rico, I need to borrow your bathing suit. Jerry: This is an emergency? You need a bathing suit? Kramer: Well, I like yours. Jerry: I don't know, my bathing suit? That's a little familiar, I don't want your...your boys down there. Kramer: C'mon, what's wrong with my boys? Jerry: Your boys should stay in their neighborhood. Kramer: Alright, c'mon! Jerry: Alright. It's in the top drawer. Hurry up. (Kramer goes to get the suit. Elaine enters.) Elaine: Hi, Jer. Jerry: Oh, hi, Elaine. Elaine: Oh...hi, Sidra - Sidra: Hi...Elaine? (Kramer comes back into the living room.) Jerry (To Elaine): What are you doing here? Elaine: I'm looking for Kramer. Kramer: Yeah, she was just showing me pictures of places I can visit when I go to Puerto Rico...you know, when you two went down there? Jerry: Oh. yeah. Alright. (pushes Kramer and Elaine out the door, then sits next to Sidra on the couch.) So, where were we? Sidra: I was just leaving. Jerry: Right, you were leaving. Sidra: I can't believe you sent a woman into the sauna to do that. Jerry: That was an accident! Sidra: I think you're both mentally ill. (leaves, then opens the door again.) And by the way...they're real, and they're spectacular. (Sidra leaves.) Betsy: Stop it, George! Get out! Get out! I never want to see you again! Dr. Allenwood: Go back to New York! Get out! Clerk 2: Alright sir, now all I need is a death certificate and you'll be on your way. George: Well, you see, what happened was...the doctor - the very same doctor that was attending to my late aunt - suffered an untimely stroke, and lost the use of his right hand, so...obviously I was unable to get the death certificate. However, I do have this. (Reaches inside his coat and takes out a Polaroid photo.) Clerk 2: What's this? George: That's a picture of me next to the coffin. Clerk 2: Nice try. George: Not even close, huh?

Jerry: You can't just *have* an adultery- you *commit* adultery. And you can't even *commit* adultery unless you already *have* a commitment. So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once you commit, then you can commit the adultery. Then you can get caught, get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But y'know some people actually *cheat* on the people that they're cheating with. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning to the robber next to you and goin' Alright, gimme everything you have, too''. George: You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that? Jerry: (flips a roll of paper towels in the air) Produce section. *Very* provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened. George: (laughs-hu) So when're you gonna see her? Jerry: Tonight. George: What's her name? Jerry: I... don't... know... George: How could you not know her name? Jerry: I was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something to do with a car, or a fish... Jerry: Look at that. Why do I get bananas? They're good for *one* day... George: Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from the State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public school back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the Lincoln Savings Bank. Jerry: Yeah, I did that too. George: Yeah, You remember the, the little eh, bank book, there? Jerry: Sure. George: Alright, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade, I completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks me down. The interest has accumulated to 1,900 dollars. 1,900 dollars! They're sending me a cheque! Jerry: Wow! George: Hu-Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything... Jerry: Y'know I have some friends who try and base their whole life on that principle. George: Really? Who? Jerry: Nobody you know... George: Maybe I'll go down to the track. Put it all on a horse... Jerry: Why don't you put it in the *bank*? George: The *bank*? This is *found* money. I want to *parlay* it. I wanna make a big score! Jerry: *Oh*, you mean you wanna *lose* it... Kramer: Yeah... All right...Ya got it, eh. Jerry: Yes I did. Kramer: Yes. George: What's with the gloves? Kramer: Well, I'm staining my floors, y'know, I don't want to get my hands dirty... George: Huh. What, the whole apartment? Kramer: The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. 'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry [Snaps fingers]... Wood. Jerry: Wood is good. Kramer: Definitely. Jerry: So we're still going to the health club to play racquetball right? Kramer: Yeah, yeah, whenever you're ready. Jerry: O.K., soon as Elaine gets here. Kramer: Yep. Jerry: What, you rented "Home Alone"? George: Yeah. Jerry: I thought you saw that already... George: No, I saw "Home Alone II". Jerry: Oh, right... But you *hated* it! George: Well I was lost, I never saw the first one. By the way, you mind if I watch it here? Jerry: What for? George: Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something. Jerry: All right.. Go ahead. Jerry: Yeah? Elaine: (on the intercom) It's me, are you ready to go? Jerry: No. Come on up. Kramer: I can't work with these! Jerry: What's wrong? Kramer: Well, you bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no *fine touch*... Jerry: You said "gloves"... Kramer: No, no, these are too thick. (removes the gloves/tosses them on the kitchen counter) Kramer: Oooh, is that "Home Alone"? George: Yeah. The *original*. Elaine: Hey Boys-O! Everyone: (in unison) Heyyyyyyyy. Kramer: Hey, how's it goin'? Elaine: Hello. Jerry: (to Kramer) Hey (snaps fingers) get your stuff, let's get going. Elaine: Well wait a minute, there's a slight change of plans. Jerry: What? Elaine: eh, Remember Roy, the artist? Jerry: Oh, the "triangle" guy. Elaine: Yeah, exactly, the "triangle" guy. Jerry: Yeah, you liked him. What happened with him? Elaine: Yeah I did. He was very talented. He was, ah just, I don't know a little too... Jerry: Artsy? Elaine: Fat. Jerry: Oh. (unh - very quiet sigh) Elaine: He was a fat, starving artist, y'know. That's very rare. Jerry: Yeah. Elaine: Anyway, he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should go visit him. Jerry: What's wrong with him? Elaine: Unh, something with his spleen. Anyway it'll just take five minutes, O.K., and then, the hospital is right on the way. Kramer: Yeah. (putting hand to his mouth, hatching a thought) Jerry: All right we'll wait for you. Kramer: Yeah, maybe I can get some rubber gloves there huh, yea. Elaine: Listen, Jerry can you do me a favor? (clears throat) Could you, go into the room with me to visit him because ah, I don't want him to think that I'm, y'know... interested. Jerry: Oh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend. Elaine: Well... Jerry: Well I think I can do that. I believe I've played that role before to some critical acclaim. Elaine: Aha ha ha (laugh) Kramer: All right, lets go. Jerry: All right (picks up his sports bag) Kramer: Yep yep yep. Elaine: What's with him? Jerry: Y'know a lot of people have asked that... Elaine: Roy! Roy: *Elaine*! What a *surprise*. (sitting up) Elaine: (gasp) Oh, my *God*! I hardly recognize you! You look so... Roy: Yeah, ya know, I've lost some weight... Elaine: A *lot* of weight. (enthusiastically) Roy: I know. Elaine: Aha hu, You look *terrific*. Roy: Thank you. So do you. Elaine: Ah hahaha hhuu ha (flirty laughing) Elaine: Ah, This is... uh... you *really* lost weight. Roy: Thank you. Jerry: Jerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend. (puts his arm around Elaine's shoulder, but she shrugs it off twice) Hospital Voiceover: Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call. Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call. Woman: AHAaaaaaaaaa! (scream) Kramer: (a bit startled) Ahh. Hospital Voiceover: Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call. Kramer: Ah, the mother lode! (the door squeaks a bit as he pushes it open) Elaine: I can't believe it! You were *huge*! Like blubber! I couldn't even get my arms around you... Roy: Yesss, I remember. Elaine: Ahahaha. Well that's the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose weight. Roy: Elaine, it wasn't the illness. It was you. Elaine: Me? Roy: (quietly- yeah) After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated. I couldn't eat for weeks. Elaine: *Get* *out*! Roy: Really, it's the truth. Elaine: Jerry, did you hear this? He couldn't eat for weeks... Jerry: That's terrible... Elaine: I had no idea I had that kind of effect on you. Roy: You did. Jerry: You know I can't get this *damn thing* to sleep. (about the Yo-Yo) Elaine: Now listen Roy, tell me something. When, are you gettin' out of here? Roy: Next Thursday. Elaine: Okay, I'll tell you what. How about on Friday I take you out for a *big* meal because *you* are getting *too* thin... Jerry: Honey... Aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday? Elaine: No that's the week after. Jerry: No, I believe it's next week. Elaine: You're wrong. Jerry: No I'm not... Elaine: Shut up... Kramer: Pay dirt! (holding up the hand full of gloves. He looks behind himself as the door closes) Elaine: Uh Roy, this is uh Kramer - he's one of our friends. Roy: Oh, How do you do? Kramer: Yeah... I do great, yeah. Doctor: Hi Roy. Roy: Oh, hey Dr. Siegel. Jerry: Hey Doc, check this out. [does an around-the-world with the Yo-Yo] Kramer: Heey. Jerry: I *just* learned that. (proudly holding the Yo-Yo) Doctor: A-hu. (The doctor is at a loss) Doctor: I just wanted to stop by - see if you had any questions about tomorrow's operation. Kramer: Ah, Yeah Yeah, I have a - I have a question, um - What do you know about inter-abdominal retractors? Doctor: Are you asking because you saw "20/20" last night? Kramer: I sure am. Doctor: Well that report was about *one* very specific type of retractor and I can assure you we do not use that retractor in your friend's procedure. Kramer: But you *will* use... a retractor. Doctor: We have to... Kramer: Mmm-hmm... (turns and walks away, makes a face, raises his eyebrows, nodding his head, then turns back to the group.) Doctor: Tell you what. You're obviously concerned about your friend's welfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's operation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch it with them? Kramer: I'd love to watch the operation, yeah! Jerry: I dunno... Kramer: Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut him open - His guts'll be all over the place... Jerry: Yeah, that's true... Kramer: ...They'll saw through bone. Uuuuuuuing yutyutyutyutn naannnaaa [makes saw noises while gesturing over Roy's chest] You'll see what's *inside* bone... George: Ttu (wipes nose and sniffs) Ttu. Jerry: Hey. George: Hi... Jerry: What are doing, you crying?? George: No... (takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes with his sleeve) Jerry: You crying from "Home Alone"?? George: The old man got to me. Jerry: Alright, just get yourself together... I dunno if I can be friends with you anymore after this display. George: Oh Shut up! What are you doing back so soon, anyway? (puts the tape back in it's case.) Jerry: Oh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer got the gloves, wanted to come home and start working on his floor. George: Oh. How's the guy? Jerry: Oh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine are getting ah, pretty chummy. Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art. (opens the fridge and gets a bottle of water.) George: Hnh. That's nerve... Jerry: Yeah, so she and "Triangle Boy" can go out to fancy restaurants. (takes a sip of water) George: Y'know what it is? It's "Clara Nightingale Syndrome." He falls ill; she falls in love. Jerry: You mean Florence Nightingale. ** (** Footnote: see short bio at end of script **) George: What'd I say? Clara? Jerry: Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton. ** (** Footnote: see short bio at end of script **) George: Clara Barton? What did she do? Jerry: I'm not sure, but I think she was nice. (takes a sip of water) George: Susan B. Anthony** I think I'd have a problem with. (** Footnote: see short bio at end of script **) Jerry: Yeah, I think you would. George: So, you gonna buy his art? Jerry: No. Why don't you buy it? You got 1,900 dollars. George: Yeah, that's what I want- triangles. Alright, I'm outta here. Have fun with what's-her-name. Jerry: I will. George: Y'know, now you gotta ask her her name. It's so embarrassing. Jerry: No, it isn't. I can find out. George: Yeah? How? Jerry: There are ways. Jerry: Y'know I remember when I was a kid growin up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe- "Jerry Jerry Dingleberry", and-hu "Seinsmelled"... Woman: "Seinsmelled"? Jerry: Yeah. a-hu. What about you? Did people make fun of your name? Woman: Are you kidding? They were merciless! What do you expect when your name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy? Woman: (con't) Of course, not everybody can be as sweet as you are. Woman: Oh, oh Jerry... Jerry: Oh... *you*... George: Now let's try "breast"... Celeste... Kest... Jerry: No. George: Rest... Sest... Hest... Jerry: "Hest"? That's not a name. George: What, you should've just asked her. Jerry: I know, I should've asked her. George: What're you gonna do now? Jerry: I dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already made out with her. Once you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name. George: Aretha! (points finger at Jerry) Jerry: No... George: Bovary! (points finger again at Jerry) Jerry: Alright, that's enough. (sips coffee) George: Alright, well you know what'cha gotta do, you gotta go through her purse. Y'know, the-the credit cards, driver's license... Jerry: How am I gonna do that? George: When she goes to the bathroom. Kramer: Ah, (smacks hands) there you are. My date stood me up. Listen, will you guys go to the operation with me? Jerry: You asked a date to go to the operation? Kramer: Yeah... So c'mon, (smacks hands and rubs them together) what d'you say? George: What kind of operation is it? Kramer: Spleenectomy. George: Isn't that where they remove the- Kramer: No No, Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet! Ah-C'mon, what d'you say? George: Mulva! (again pointing finger at Jerry - Kramer watches the exchange back and forth) Jerry: Mulva? (waves off George with his hand) Kramer: C'mon, C'mon. You wanna go? (pats Jerry a couple times on the shoulder quietly) C'mon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jerry: Alright, alright. Just let me finish my coffee... then we'll watch 'em go slice this fat bastard up. (sips coffee) Doctor: Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity, exposing the body's internal organs. Nurse- retractor. Jerry: What are you eating? Kramer: Junior Mints. Do you want one? Jerry: No... Kramer: Now, I can't see... Psst... Psst... Kramer: ... Cou, ye, ge... Kramer: Y-ea (pours a few more Junior Mints into his hand and eats them) Jerry: Where'd you get those? Kramer: The machine. You want one? Jerry: No. Kramer: Here, take one. Jerry: I don't want one. Kramer: No, they're good! Take one.. Jerry: I don't want any! Kramer: Just take one. Jerry: No! Stop it! Kramer, stop it! [As They Struggle To Force The Junior Mint On Each Other, Jerry Pushes Kramers' Hand Away And -- In Slow Motion With The Sound Of A Beating Heart To Emphasize The Event -- The Junior Mint Is Launched Into The Air Towards The Operating Table And, Well, In A Word: "Bingo" - with a small "splat" sound - falls into Roy, the patient. The surgical team looks around puzzled as to what just happened - but they continue on with the operation) Jerry: (pointing at the operation he mouths the words) Did it go in? Kramer: Ge- Jerry: ...Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing *into* the patient! George: What do you mean "into the patient"? Jerry: Into the patient, *literally*! George: Into the hole? Jerry: Yes, the hole! George: Didn't they notice it? Jerry: No! George: How could they not notice it?!? Jerry: Because it's a little mint. It's a *Junior* Mint. George: W-ca-What did they do? Jerry: They sealed him up with the mint inside. George: They *left* the Junior Mint *in* him? Jerry: Yes! George: I-I guess it can't hurt him... People eat *pounds* of those things. Jerry: Yes they *eat* them. They don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity! Jerry: Yeah. Elaine: It's me. Jerry: Come on up. Kramer: Hey. This wallpaper is *very* good. My place looks like a ski lodge! Jerry: Why did you force that mint on me? I told ya I didn't want the mint! Kramer: Well, I didn't believe you. Jerry: How could you not believe me?!? Kramer: Well who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint- it's *delicious*! Jerry: That's true. Kramer: It's very refreshing! Jerry: Well, just don't say anything about this to Elaine... Elaine: Prognosis... negative. Jerry: Prognosis *negative*!? Elaine: He's not doing well, the doctors don't know what it is. They're baffled. Jerry And Kramer: Oh, my God... Elaine: Just my luck, y'know... just when he's getting thin and attractive. Y'know Jerry, you should buy some of his art. That would really lift his spirits. George: It's that bleak? (pours a glass of milk) Elaine: Mmm... (Elaine goes to the bathroom) George: Y'know if the guy dies, the art could really be worth something... Jerry: We gotta confess. Kramer: Really? Jerry: Yes! Kramer: We could be tried for murder... Jerry: I can't have this on my conscience. We're like Leopold and Loeb! ** (** Footnote: see short bio at end of script **) Kramer: You're not gonna say anything, you got that? Jerry: I'm telling and you can't stop me! Kramer: You're *not*!!! George: Hey Elaine? Put me down for some of that art. 1,900 dollars worth. Jerry: Oh yeah, that's the spot... Woman: What're you so tense about? Jerry: Oh, nothing really, just a homicide. [She finds the right spot on his back] Oh that's terrific... Mulva. Woman: What? Jerry: Mulva? Woman: Mulva? Jerry: Oh my eh, my Aunt's name is Mulva. She's-she's a masseuse. Woman: huh. Jerry: Yeah. Woman: Um, I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be right back. Jerry: Oh, good idea... Woman: What are you doing? Jerry: Oh, I was just looking for er, some... gum or... mint. Woman: Oh, I have Junior Mints. Jerry: No! [throws her purse back at her] No, I mean, no thank you, nah... Kramer: Any news? Jerry: [whispering] No, no news. You better get out of here. Kramer: Oh. Jerry: Oh No, wait a second... Wait a second... I-I don't know the name of this woman in the bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then she'll be forced to say her name. Kramer: 10-4. Jerry: O.K. (closes the apartment door) Woman: Oh, hello. Kramer: Hello, I'm Kramer. Woman: Nice to meet you. Kramer: See you later. (He promptly turns and leaves) Woman: Well, I better get going. I don't want to be late for the play. (Grabs her coat.) Jerry: Oh, okay. Woman: Y'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage and meet Olympia Dukakis. Jerry: Oh, Hey, there's a name you don't forget. Woman: Mm. Bye Jerry. Jerry: Bye. Woman: Oh, hi. George: Oh, Hi, I'm George. (they shake hands) Woman: Oh, Nice to meet you, George. George: Yeahaha, I gave it a shot (pats Jerry on the arm)... So, any word on the "artiste"? (puts a video in the VCR) Jerry: No, I haven't heard anything. George: Hehe. Well, I got my triangles. (sitting on the couch) Jerry: Really... George: Yup, y'know, they really spruce up the apartment. Jerry: Yeah, I'm sure... Jerry: Well, I-I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta tell 'em what happened. George: No-no Jerry. I wouldn't do that. Jerry: Why? George: Ehh, You could get in trouble. Jerry: Look, I gotta try and help the guy. George: Who are you to play God!? Every man's time comes! If his number is up, who are you to interfere!? Jerry: Yes I'd like to speak with Dr. Siegel... it's about Roy Kordic's condition... George: W-What? What? Jerry: Oh, that's *fantastic*! George: He didn't get better, did he? Jerry: Thank you very much. O.K. Bye-bye. He's gonna be okay! George: Where's the luck? There's no luck. 1,900 dollars down the drain. Roy: You saved my life, George. You buying my art is what inspired me to get better. I'll never forget what'cha did for me. George: Oh, well th-that's great. It's really great. Hm hm mm. Kramer: Y'know, art's a great investment. Elaine: And they're gonna look great in your apartment, George. George: Yes I look forward to many years of... looking at the triangles. Well, I'll ah, I'll wait for you outside. Roy: Hey, George... George: Yeah. Kramer: Awe, alright Jerry: That's nice. George: Thanks Roy. Roy: Heeyy - there's the guy who saved my life. (points at the doctor.) Doctor: Y'know... I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in your recovery but, I think there were other factors at play here. Jerry: What do you mean? Doctor: I have no medical evidence to back me up but, something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps, from above... Kramer: Mint? Doctor: Those can be very refreshing. Roy: So Elaine... Where are we going for our big dinner on Friday? (takes a big mouthful of spaghetti) Elaine: Uh-m, uh I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we are going to the, Poconos on Friday, right honey? (pointing to Jerrythe boyfriend?) Jerry: I don't think so... Elaine: We are... that means that we ah, we are... Jerry: I believe we're not... Elaine: (Catching another glimpse of Roy eating) Hunh, Please can we go to the Poconos? Jerry: Well, I'll think about it... Woman: Great seats. You could see the actors spitting. Jerry: Really... Woman: Uh-huh. And afterwards we went backstage and Olympia Dukakis autographed my playbill. Jerry: Oh, Wait a second, you got her autograph? Woman: Yeah. Jerry: Do you have it with you? Woman: Yeah, it's in my purse. Jerry: Ah, Le'me see. (hands Jerry the playbill) Woman: Y'know I really think I'm falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld. (stands up, a quick kiss on the cheek and hugs him.) Woman: Oh, well, I really think I'm falling for you... [opens the playbill and flips five pages till he finds and reads autograph] ...Joseph Puglia... Woman: I had it autographed for my uncle. Jerry: Yeah, I-I know... Woman: (licks he lips) You don't know my name, do you? Jerry: Yes I do. Woman: What is it? Jerry: It-it rhymes with a female body part. Woman: What is it? Jerry: Mulva... Jerry: Aub, ah, Gipple? Jerry: Loleola? Jerry: Oh! Oh! *Delores*! Jerry: Ages zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing else. Family, friends, school- they're only obstacles in the way of getting more candy. And you have your favorite candies that you love. You know the ones I love those... I hate those...''. ``I hate those... I love those...''. And only a seven year old kid could actually taste the difference between like a red M&M and a light brown, M&M. That's two totally different things when you're seven years old. "Well, your red is more of a main course M&M, but the brown it's more of a mellower flavor; it's an after dinner M&M, really''.

Jerry: ...And it *is* embarrassing, because a doggie bag means either you are out at a restaurant when you aren't hungry, or you've chosen the stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about the doggie bag on a date? That's a good move for a guy, huh? Lemme tell you something if you're a guy and you ask for the doggie bag on a date, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals too. You're not going to be needing those for awhile, either. Jerry: Is that bothering you? Elaine: No, not at all... Elaine: Oh, could you please hurry? Jerry: [mockingly] "Please hurry". Look at you. Look at what you've become. Elaine: What? What have I become? I haven't "become" anything... Jerry: Oh, *Carl* can't wait a few more minutes? Elaine: I don't want to keep him waiting... Jerry: He'll like you more... Elaine: That's impossible... Wife: Andrew, why do you have to pick your teeth at the table? Husband: Leave me alone. Jerry: Yeah, I'm wanting to get married *real* soon... Jerry: So, where am I dropping you? Elaine: His place... Jerry: This guy's got quite a racket. I take you to dinner and then drop you off at his apartment... Elaine: *And* he gets the rest of my chicken... Jerry: So, is tonight "the night"? Elaine: You never know... Jerry: Oooh! Bay-bee *doll*! Jerry: Boy, do you smell something? Elaine: Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of *course* I smell something. Jerry: What is it? Elaine: I think it's B.O.! Jerry: What? Elaine: It's B.O. The *valet* must have had B.O. Jerry: It *can't* be. Nobody has B.O. like this. Elaine: Jerry. It's *B*.*O*. Jerry: But the whole car smells. Elaine: So? Jerry: So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it. Elaine: I can't believe you ski! Carl: I'm a great skier. Elaine: Yeah? What else? Carl: Let's see... I ski, I fish, I pillage, I plunder... Elaine: [delightedly] Oh! You "pillage and plunder"? Carl: ...When I travel. Elaine: See? Finally, *finally* I get to meet a man who pillages and plunders! I'm so lucky. George: This'll only take a second. Kramer: Yeah, I'm going to poke around... George: [to himself] Hey, whatd'ya know? Look at that! A *lesbian* sighting. Oh-ho! My lucky day. They're *so* fascinating. Why is that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that... George: [to himself] Oh, my God! It's Susan! What do I do? Susan: George? George: [to himself] Argh! [to Susan] Susan! Hi! Oh, boy! What are you doing here?! Susan: Renting a video! What do you got there? George: Oh, ... some stupid movie... Susan: This is Mona. George: Oh, hi... Mona: Pleasure to meet you. George: Yes. Well... Mona: Well, I'll let you two, uh... catch up. Susan: You okay? George: Yeah. Yes! I just haven't seen you in a long time. Susan: And you didn't expect me to be holding hands with a woman. George: Oh, *please*! Me? C'mon! That's *great*! Are you kidding? I think that's fan*tastic*! I've always encouraged experimentation! I'm the first guy in the pool! Who do you think you're talking to? Susan: I *know* who I'm talking to. George: Of course you do... It's just, uh, y'know, I-I never *knew*, uh, that, uh... Susan: I liked women? George: There you go. George: So, uh, how long has this been going on? Susan: Since you and I broke up. George: Ssssso, after me, you... went that way? Susan: Yeah. George: Oh, I think that's fantastic. Good for you. Nice. That's very nice. Susan: So, what have you got there? George: Oh, I, uh- Susan: Oh, ``Rochelle, Rochelle'' George: It's a foreign movie... a *film*, is what it is, actually. Susan: Yeah... A lot of nudity in that, huh? George: No, no, no... Just a *tiny* bit... It's not even *frontal* nudity. It's... *sidal* nudity... Clerk: Next. George: Oh, that's me. Susan: Alright, well... Good seeing you, George. George: Yes, good to see you, too. And Good luck with, uh... with the whole thing, there. Clerk: Uh, what are you returning? George: [embarrassed pause] ``Rochelle, Rochelle''. Clerk: Ah, ``Rochelle, Rochelle''... "A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk"... Clerk: Uh, that'll be, uh... $3.49. George: $3.49? It says $1.49. Clerk: Well, you didn't rewind it. There's a $2.00 charge for not rewinding. George: What! There's no signs here! This is an outrage! Kramer: George, don't give him any money for that. It'll cost you less to keep it another day, rewind it and bring it back tomorrow. Don't give him the satisfaction. George: I'm not giving you the satisfaction. I'm gonna watch it again... Jerry: So, this morning I go down to the garage to check the car out. I figure by this time, the odour molecules have had at least twelve hours to de-smellify. I open the car door, like a *punch* in the *face*, the stench hits me- it's almost as if it had *gained* strength throughout the night... Elaine: Y'know I can think of at *least* six known offensive odours that I would *rather* smell than what's livin' in your car. Jerry: What about skunk? Elaine: I don't mind skunk. Jerry: Horse manure? Elaine: I *loooove* horse manure. Jerry: Well, I've never seen anything like this in my life. In fact, I went to the car wash, they want 250 dollars to detail it, and get the smell out. I'm not payin' for that. That's not my responsibility. In fact, I'm drivin' up to that restaurant now, and *demand* they pay for it. Elaine: Absolutely. Elaine: Listen, lemme ask you something. When you're with a guy, and he tells you he has to get up early, what does that mean? Jerry: It means he's lying. Elaine: Wow... Jerry: Why? Is that what he told you? Elaine: Yeah, last night. Oh, come on... Men *have* to get up early some time... Jerry: No. Never. Elaine: Jerry! I'm *sure* I've seen men on the street early in the morning. Jerry: Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will *always* trade sleep for sex. Elaine: Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am? Jerry: Anything's *possible*... Jerry: What's the matter with you? Kramer: Steinbrenner! He's ruinin' my life... Jerry: Oh yeah, Steinbrenner... Kramer: I don't think I can take another season with him, Jerry. He'll just trade away their best young prospects, just like he did with Beuner, McGee, Drabek... McGriff... Jerry: I know the list... Kramer: What's that smell? Jerry: What smell? Kramer: Ooooh... You stink. Jerry: Whatd'ya mean I stink? Kramer: You *stink*. Why don't you go take a shower? Jerry: I showered! Oh, wait a second... Since I showered, I've been in the car! Elaine: So? Jerry: Don't you see what's happening here? It's attached itself to me! It's alive! Elaine: If it attached itself to you, then... Oh, my God! That's why Carl said he had to get up early! Because I stink! Jerry, he thinks I have B.O.! Me! Kramer: What happened? Jerry: What happened? My car *stinks* is what happened. And it's destroying the lives of everyone in it's path. George: What is that? B.O.? Jerry: Yeah. George: This is *unbelievable* B.O. Jerry: I know... I was at the car wash this morning and the guy told me in his 38 years in the business, he's never smelled anything like it. George: So, let me ask you. Do you think I could have done this? Jerry: No, no. It's the valet guy. George: No, no, I mean, driving Susan to lesbianism. Jerry: Oh... No, that's ridiculous. George: What if her experience with me *drove* her to it? Jerry: Suicide, maybe, not lesbianism. George: The woman she's "lesbianing" with? Susan told me she's *never* been with a guy. George: Oh, this isn't even B.O.! This is *beyond* B.O.! It's *B*.B.O.! Jerry: There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a "Smell Gestapo". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush... George: Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her. Jerry: Lemme see if I understand this... On second thought... Jerry: Here he is... that's the guy! (rolls up window) No, thank you, go back... go back... I'll park it! You go back! Restaurateur: What do you mean- "stunk up"? Jerry: I mean the car *stinks*! George, does the car stink? George: Stinks. Jerry: Stinks! Restaurateur: Well, perhaps *you're* the one who has the odour... Jerry: Hey, I've never smelled in my *life*, buddy! Restaurateur: Really? Well, I smell you now. Jerry: That's from the car! Restaurateur: Well, maybe *you're* the one who stunk up the car, rather than the car stinking up you! George: Oh, it's the chicken and the egg... Jerry: Thank you very much... Well, then go out and smell the car; see which smells worse. Restaurateur: I don't have time to smell cars. George: Forget about smelling the car. Smell the valet. Go to the source... Jerry: You've gotta smell the car Restaurateur: I'm a busy man Jerry: C'mon! One whiff! Restaurateur: Alright, one whiff... Restaurateur: Alright! I give up! I admit it! It stinks! Now will you let me out! Jerry: Alright, will you pay for the cleaning? Restaurateur: Yes! 50 dollars! I'll give you 50 dollars! Restaurateur: I'm not paying for *that*. They've already got my seven dollars... [sarcastically] "...erotic journey from Milan to Minsk"... Carl: The valet had such bad B.O.? Elaine: Oh, man, just *rampant*, **mutant** B.O. The "O" went from the valet's "B", to the car, to me. It clings to everything. Jerry thinks it's an entity. But I showered and I shampoo'ed, so... Carl: That's a relief... Elaine: What? Carl: It's still there... Elaine: No, no, no! It *can't* be! I shampoo'ed! I rinsed! I repeated! George: Listen, I gotta ask you I was a little concerned that perhaps I was responsible in some way for your, uh... metamorphosis. Clerk: That'll be $98.00. George: What $98.00? Clerk: That's what I said. $98.00. George: How could that piece of *crap* cost $98.00!? George: So, was it me? Susan: Oh, don't be ridiculous! Is that what you wanted to talk to me about? [Gives him the $35] Here. George: Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot. I'll pay you back. Susan: Yeah, *sure*... I gotta go. George: Listen. Let me ask you something. If you and Mona were ever to... dance, how do you decide who leads? I mean... do you take turns? Do you discuss it beforehand? How does that work? Susan: You're an idiot. George: Why? That's a *legitimate* sociological question. Susan: I'll see ya. And George, by the way... You stink... Real bad. George: It's not me! It's the car! Mona: I didn't think I'd come. Kramer: I knew you would. Mona: Oh, Kramer! Car Washer: We spray everything with Ozium-D, let it de-ionise, vacuum the spray out with a de-ionising machine. Hit it with high-pressure compressed air, and wet-dry vac it to extract the remaining liquids. We top it off with one of our seven air-fresheners, in your case, I would recommend the Jasmine, or the Potpourri. Jerry: Let's do it. Hairdresser: The first thing we're gonna do is flush the follicles with the five essential oils. Then, we put you under a vapour machine, and then a heated cap. Then, we shampoo and shampoo and condition and condition. Then, we saturate the hair in diluted vinegar- two parts vinegar, 10 parts water. Now, if that doesn't work, we have one last resort. Tomato sauce. Elaine: Tomato Sauce? Jerry: Wait a minute! It still smells! It still smells! Carl: It still smells. Jerry: It still smells! George: How could it still smell after all that? Jerry: I don't know! George: Well, what are you gonna do? Jerry: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car! George: You're *selling* the car!? Jerry: You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even *Superman* would be helpless against this kind of stench. And I'll take anything I can get for it. George: Maybe I'll buy it. Jerry: Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This is not just an odour- you need a *priest* to get rid of this thing! Elaine: I still smell! Jerry: You see! You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's the beast! Susan: Kramer! Kramer! Kramer, open up, I know you're in there! Jerry: Susan! Susan: Kramer! Jerry: What is going on? Susan: You know what's going on? First, he vomits on me. Then, he burns down my father's cabin. And now, he's taken Mona away from me. George: He stole your girlfriend? Susan: Yes. She's in *love* with him. George: Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings 'em back. Jerry: That's the *least* of what you've accomplished... Elaine: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kramer, Kramer... Hold on a second. I don't get this. This woman has *never* been with a man her *entire* life- Kramer: I'm Kramer. George: I know what you're going through. Women. Who knows what they want? Susan: I just don't know what she sees in *Kramer*. George: Listen. You're beautiful. You're intelligent. You'll meet other girls... Susan: You think so? George: Yes, I know so. You happen to be a very eligible lesbian. Susan: You're very sweet... George: Hey, I know what I'm talking about. I gotta be honest with you, I gotta tell ya... Ever since I saw you holding hands with that woman, I can't get you out of my mind. Susan: Really? George: Yeah, you're just so... hip. George: Oh, my God... Susan: What? George: It's Allison. I dated her right after you. She's obsessed with me. Allison: George? George: Allison! Hi! Oh, my God! How are you? Allison: Good. You know, you owe me $50... George: Right. I don't have it on me. Allison, this is Susan. Susan, Allison. Allison: Nice to meet you... Susan: Nice to meet you... Allison: That's a beautiful vest... Susan: Thank you... Kramer: I don't understand it. I was with her last night in my apartment; it was very romantic. Y'know with that fake wood wallpaper, the atmosphere is *fabulous* in there, now. It's like a ski lodge. Salesman: What year did you say this was? Jerry: '90. Kramer: Anyway, we were on the couch, I move to hug her, next thing she tells me she's leaving; she's got to get up early. Jerry: That's strange... Salesman: How many miles you got on this thing? Jerry: 23 000. Kramer: And I was looking good, too. I had a nice, new shirt on, I'm wearing *your* jacket... Jerry: Wait a second... My jacket! I wore that in the car! The Beast! Salesman: I can't sell this car. Jerry: This... **thing**... has got to be stopped! Hairdresser: So, what do you want to do? Elaine: Sauce me.

Jerry: I have a friend who is about to get married, they're having the bachelor party and the bridal shower on the same day... So it's conceivable that while she's getting the lingerie, he'd be at a nude bar watching a table dancer wearing the same outfit. That is possible. But to me, the difference between being single and being married, is the form of government. You see, when you're single, you are the dictator of your own life. I have complete power. I can give the order to fall asleep on the sofa with the TV on in the middle of the day, no-one can overrule me! When you're married, you're part of a vast decision-making body. Before anything gets done there are meetings. Committees have to study the situation. And this is if the marriage works. That's what's so painful about divorce you get impeached and you're not even the president! George: Hey, is it my imagination, or do really good looking women walk a lot faster than everybody else? Elaine: We don't walk that fast... George: No seriously... Elaine: Seriously, we don't. George: The better looking they are, the faster they go! I mean, I see they out there on the street, they're zooming around, like a blur. Like they have a motor on their ass. Elaine: (Yelling to Jerry in the bedroom) Hey Jerry, come on, let's go. We're gonna miss the previews! Elaine: Hey, how are we gettin' to Scott Drake's party on Saturday night? Jerry: Oh, Drake's party, I forgot to buy a present. George: I gotta buy a present now? Elaine: Of course you do, it's an engagement party. George: It never ends, this present stuff! Engagement present! Then they get married, you gonna have to get them something for that! Then the baby, there's another present. Then the baby starts getting their presents. I don't even like Drake. Jerry: You don't like the Drake? George: Hate the Drake. Elaine: I *love* the Drake. Jerry: How could you not like the Drake? George: Who's the Drake? Elaine: "Who's the Drake"? Jerry: The Drake is good! Elaine: So listen, what are you gonna get him? George: I haven't even met the fiancee! Whatever! (Leaves for washroom) Jerry: Elaine, look. I drew this triangle free-hand. It's a doodle. It's perfect! Elaine: So what? That's easy. Jerry: Easy? Elaine: Hi! Hey, have you gotten your present yet for the Drake? Kramer: Uh, no, no, not yet. Jerry: Do you like the Drake? Kramer: I *love* the Drake! I'm looking forward to meeting the Drakette! Elaine: I'm lukewarm about the Drakette. Kramer: (Looking at Jerry's doodle) That's a nice triangle... Jerry: It's Isosceles Kramer: Ooh, Isosceles. I love the name Isosceles. If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer. Elaine: Hey, you know what, maybe we should all chip in for the gift. Jerry: The chip-in! Elaine: Hey, a pretty good idea, huh? Jerry: Yeah! Kramer: Yeah, the chip-in, defenitely! Jerry: You know what, let's go to that mall in Liberal(sp?) before we go to the party. We'll have to take your car, it's got the most room. Kramer: No, no! My car's not running. Jerry: What about your father's car? George: No, no, no. Out of the question. I was over there today. He's got the good spot in front of the good building in the good neighbourhood. I know he's not gonna wanna move. Jerry: Are you serious? George: You don't know what that spot means to him. Once he gets it, he doesn't go out for weeks. Jerry: How about this, you put your car in the good spot, that'll hold the good spot in front of the good building, and we can get the good car! George: Good thinking! Jerry: Good to meet you! Elaine: So what are we gonna get him? Jerry: We could get him anything we wanted, we're chippin' in. George: I like this area. I could live out here. Kramer: Yeah, we ought to all get a house and live together. Jerry: Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll tell you what chuckles, I give you permission to sublet my room right now. George: Look at this. There's no spaces here. (to another car) Excuse me, are you gettin' out? Man In Car: No! Kramer: Why don't you take a handicap spot... George: You think? Elaine: No, no! We'll find a space. There's spaces in the other lot. George: I don't want to walk that far. Elaine: What if a handicapped person needs it? Kramer: Oh, come on, they don't drive! Jerry: Yes, they do! Kramer: Have you ever seen a handicapped person pull into a space and park? Jerry: Well there's spaces there, they must drive! Kramer: Well they don't. If they could drive, they wouldn't be handicapped. Elaine: So if you can drive, you're not handicapped? George: Look, we're not gonna be that long anyway... we have to get to the "party"! Kramer: I got news for you handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty. George: He's right! It's the same thing with the femenists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they? Elaine: What does that mean? George: Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in. Kramer: Yeah, go ahead. Elaine: George! George: Oh, come on, it's five minutes. Kramer: Make sure we don't forget where the car's parked. Jerry, George, Elaine: Don't worry. We won't forget! Jerry: Do you believe the deal we got on this? A big screen TV? At that price? Elaine: What a sale, huh? And how about that store, delivering it tonight? We're gonna be swimming in 'thank you's... George: What did I get the veggie burger for? You got a veggie burger, so I had to get the veggie burger, I'm allover crums... Jerry: No-one's gonna have a better gift than this big screen TV! Good for them, love the Drake! Elaine: Got to *love* the Drake! Jerry: Hey, what's going on over here? Elaine: Must have been an accident... Jerry: (to a woman) Hey, what's going on? Woman: Some jerk parked in a handicap spot, so this woman in a wheelchair had to wheel up this incline, and half way up her batteries gave up, and she rolled backwards into the wall. Taken her to St. Elizabeth's... Jerry: Is she OK? Woman: I don't know. We're just waiting here for the owner of this car to show up. May not get out alive! Thug! Taking up a handicap spot? He's gonna pay! Jerry: Son's of bitches! Good luck finding them... him... whatever. I'd like to stick around and get my hands on him myself, but I gotta take off. George: How are we gonna get out of here? They'll kill us! Elaine: (to George) Are you happy now? Kramer: Who would think these people we're gonna be here? Jerry: I don't know... Elaine: What about the party? What about the Drake? George: Screw the Drake! Jerry: I love the Drake! Kramer: Let's just take a bus back to the city. George: Can't leave the car here! Kramer: Why not? George: It's my father's car! Man: Let's smash it! Everybody: Yeah! Yeah! Jerry: Let's get out of here. George: What are we gonna do? How are we gonna get out of here? Jerry: The thing is, even if we go back by the car, and there's nobody there, how do we know they're not all hiding, waiting for us? Elaine: Well, they have to give up some time, they can't stay out there all night? Jerry: What are we, John Dillinger? How did this get to be the crime of the century? It's not like we stuck a broomstick in her spokes and she went flying... George: What I don't get is, just because the battery is dead, you think she'd be able to roll up the hill with her hands! Kramer: You'd think... George: I mean, batteries have gone dead before, aren't they prepared for that? Kramer: Most of them don't even have batteries. George: Must be one of those rich, spoiled handicapped people, who didn't want to do any work, and just wanted to sit in her wheelchair and take it easy. Kramer: Yeah... George: Well, I'm sorry! Elaine: Our big screen TV is probably arriving right now... George: How are we gonna get out of here? We need a plan! Jerry: I got it! (snaps his fingers) We give the keys to Elaine. Elaine: Me? Jerry: Yeah! You're a woman! Men don't hit a woman! Elaine: Oh, they won't? Jerry: Not if they don't know you... Elaine: I'm not going for this, Kramer should go! It was all his idea! Kramer: No chance in hell! Jerry: What if we created some sort of diversion? What if we all went by the car and started screaming "There he is, there's the guy that took the handicap spot!" And then, when they all run into the other direction, we'll jump in the car! George: That's good, we'll give it a try... Elaine: That's good... Jerry: That doesn't work, we'll give 'em Kramer! Kramer: Huh? Jerry: (as George picks up a broken piece of his car) You know, a lot of these scratches will buff right out... Frank: Eight years have I had this car. Not a scratch on it! Eight years! Frank: A beautiful Mercury! I special-ordered that bench seat! George: Dad, that other car cut us off! They had swastikas all over it... They were hurling racial epiphates at us... I could have been killed! Estelle: (to Frank) I told you not to give it to him! Frank: (to George) You know, my insurance doesn't cover this? The whole thing is a total loss! Mahjong Lady: Frank, the important thing is, he didn't get hurt! Frank: No it isn't! Mahjong Lady: So what are you doing now, Georgie? George: I'm uh... writing a pilot for NBC... Frank: Where the hell is my paper? Mahjong Lady: You're writing a pilot? Estelle: With his friend, Jerry Seinfeld... the comedian... Mahjong Lady: So what's it about? George: Well, Jerry's car gets hit and the other driver doesn't have any insurance, so the judge Mahjong Lady: This is the same situation! Frank, maybe you ought to make him your butler! Estelle: Every time you're with that Kramer, something happens... He's a real trouble maker! George: Nah, he didn't have anything to do with it... Estelle: He's all together crazy, that one! Jerry? I used to think was nice... I don't know what happened to him... Jerry: (to the Drake) So it was a good party, huh? Oh... you're welcome, you're welcome... (to Elaine) They loved the TV, *loved* it! Elaine: Oh, yeah... Jerry: (to the Drake) Oh, wait a second, I'll ask her.. that's a great idea. (To Elaine) Drake wants to know if we want to come out to Minneolis this afternoon, since we missed the partly last night, to maybe get something to eat? Elaine: Sure! Jerry: (to the Drake) Sure! ... Okay... Don't worry, I'm taking MY car! ... okay... okay, see you later... bye... Jerry: The Drake is great! Elaine: Hmm.. he's so nice! I'm really happy for them. Jerry: Yeah. Well, I don't know if I'm happy for them, I mean I'm glad they're happy, but, frankly, that doesn't do anything for me. Jerry: Yes? George: It's me. Jerry: Come on up. Kramer: Hey. I just came from St. Elizabeth's. Jerry: St. Elizabeth's Hospital? Why? Kramer: Well, the handicapped woman? I went to see her. Elaine: You went to see her? Kramer: Yeah. Jerry: Wow, what happened? Kramer: I'm in love. Jerry: What? Kramer: Yeah, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I love her Jerry, I really love her. I'm gonna ask her to marry me. She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being. Except for the walking. Jerry: Oh, what's the difference, you don't go out that much. Kramer: Ah, I'm glad you're here. George: What? Kramer: Alright, now, we gotta go out. We gotta buy a wheelchair. George: A wheelchair? What for? Kramer: Well, you know I went to the hospital today, and I saw the woman, you know, and the wheelchair is totalled, we gotta get her another one! George: Doesn't she have collision? Kramer: George, I'm in love with her! George: Well, my father works for the United Volunteers, maybe he can get her one. Kramer: No! She needs it now! George: What about these two? Aren't they gonna chip in? Kramer: Well... Elaine: Hey, we told you not to park there! George: Can't we just fix the old one? Kramer: Alright, alright. Fine George! Don't chip in! But some day, we're gonna be driving along, we're gonna look out the window, and see her crawling along 5th avenue! Is that what you want? George: Alright, alright! We'll buy her a wheelchair! Wheelchairs, engagement presents.. IT NEVER ENDS! Salesman: This is out best model. The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like... you're almost glad to be handicapped. Kramer: So now, what's this got? Salesman: Inductive joystick, dynamic braking, flip-up arms, it's fully loaded. I put Stephen Hawking in one of these two months ago, he's lovin' it! It's rated number one by Hospital Supply and Prosthetic Magazine. George: How much? Salesman: 6200. George: Do you have something a little more... less expensive? Jerry And Elaine: Hey Drake! Hi Drake! Jerry: Hey Alison! Hey, there's the TV, Elaine, look at that! Elaine: My God this is fantastic! Tell me, were you guys just blown away or what? The Drake: Oh yeah, yeah... it's fantastic... Jerry: I am gonna make good use of this! I'm watching every superbowl here, every big fight... Elaine: Oh man, there is nothing like a really big TV, huh? Jerry: So where're we eatin'? The Drake: Well, actually... Jerry... Elaine: I'm *really* hungry! The Drake: ... we just broke up... Jerry: When did this happen? The Drake: About 20 minutes ago... Hey, I am really sorry about this guys... whew! Jerry: (looking at the TV) Look at the picture on this thing... Elaine: Oh, cristal clear! Jerry: They know how to make 'em... Elaine: Are there any good Italian restaurants around here? The Drake: (through his sobbing) Gagliano's... that's pretty good... Jerry: Well... we should... Elaine: Get movin'... Jerry: Yeah... Hey, Drake, what ever happens, I am sure it'll be for the best. Elaine: Take it easy. Bye-Bye Alison! Elaine: Oh, the remote! Okay, I'm just gonna put it on top of the television... Salesman: Alright, this one is about 8 years old. Not a scratch on it, it was owned by some lady who only used it to go from the bathroom to the kitchen and to feed her cat. Kramer: But this'll get you around? Salesman: Oh sure, it just doesn't have any of the thrills of the Cougar. George: Like what? Salesman: For example, your tremor-damping. Kramer: Now what's that? Salesman: It helps to control the direction regardless of the operator's tremors or spasticity. Kramer: Well, is it alright if I try it? Salesman: Hop in! Kramer: Oh yeah! Salesman: I tell ya... Salesman: When I see someone enjoying themselves like that, it reminds me why I got into this business in the first place. George: How much? Salesman: How about $240? George & Kramer: We'll take it! Elaine: Drake gave her the TV? Jerry: He gave her all the gifts; he felt guilty. Elaine: Well, she can't keep it, it's not fair, that's *our* TV! Jerry: I know it is! Elaine: Boy, I am really starting to dislike the Drake! Jerry: I hate the Drake! Maybe the whole thing was a scam. Anybody can just get engaged and get presents and just keep them all. Maybe they're on their way to Chicago tomorrow and do the whole thing all over again. Elaine: They don't know anybody in Chicago. Jerry: Don't worry, they'll make friends fast with that nice TV. George: Hey. Jerry: Hey, guess what? The Drake broke up. Jerry: I don't know about defraying. George: Why? Jerry: We're not gettin' that TV. George: What do you mean? The engagement is off, we get the TV back. That's business. Elaine: The Drakette took it. George: She can't take it. It's not hers, it's theirs. Once there's no theirs there's no hers, it should be ours. Elaine: Well, she has it! George: (upset) I *told* you the Drake was bad! I hate the Drake! George: Maybe we should call her. Elaine: Well, who's gonna call? Jerry: You are. Elaine: What? Why is it me who always has to do these things? Jerry: Because that's your thing! Elaine: What? Calling people I hardly know, and demanding they return expensive gifts, that's my "thing"? Jerry: Yeah, that's your thing. Elaine: Alright, gimme the phone... it's my "thing"... Jerry: (to George) You know, I'm thinking about getting a yo-yo. George: Really? Jerry: Yeah. George: I could see that... (Alison Through Phone): Hello? Elaine: Alison! Hi, this is Elaine... (Alison Through Phone): I gave all the gifts to charity. Elaine: Oh, Okay... well thanks a lot... sorry again about you and the Drake... (Alison Though Phone): I hate the Drake. Elaine: Everybody does. Bye-bye... Elaine: She gave it to charity. Jerry: Charity?!? That's apalling. George: How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate! Kramer: Well, I gave her the wheelchair! You should have seen the look on her face. And then she told me, that the old wheelchair, that wasn't any good anyway! So you see George, the whole incident was a God blessing! Yeah! George: You mean a blessing in disguise? Kramer: Yeah... Lady: And I would also like to personally thank our gracious host Frank Costanza, who has earned the silver circle award and is our unanimous choice for the United Volunteer Representative of the Month! Lady: Due to his tireless effort, he personally raised over $22,000. That's a lot of wheelchairs! Lady: On behalf of the United Volunteers of Greater New York, we thank you! Frank: Well... thank you very much! Cop: Mr. Costanza? Frank: Yes? Cop: You're under arrest. Frank: Under arrest? What for? Cop: Reckless endangerment of public safety, and violation of traffic code 342-A. Frank: What's that? Cop: Parking in a handicap spot. Let's go... Frank: George! George! Jerry: Your father got arrested? For what? George: Parking in a handicap spot. Right in the middle of his United Volunteers meeting. When he got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat. Jerry: Ho-ly! George: Between the car getting totalled, the towing charge and the fine, there's no way I can ever pay him back... Jerry: So what are you gonna do? George: I agreed to become his butler. Jerry: What? Jerry: What's the matter? Kramer: It's over! Jerry: What's over? Kramer: Me and Lola... George: The woman we bought the wheelchair for? Kramer: Yeah, she dumped me! Jerry: She dumped you? Kramer: She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster dufus. Am I a hipster dufus? Jerry & George: (hesitatingly) ... no... Kramer: Said I'm not good looking enough for her. Not good looking! Jerry, look at me, look at my face, huh, am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful? George: ...you're very attractive... Kramer: yeah... she says she doesn't wanna see me again. Told me to drop dead! Jerry: Drop dead? George: Boy, even I never heard that one... Jerry: She's pretty rough! Kramer: Yeesh-jip! George: Well, we just blew 240 bucks on a wheelchair. Jerry: 240 bucks? George: Well, it was slightly used... Jerry: Used? Frank (Picking Up His Shoes): I don't think you did such a good job on these... George: What!? Frank: You're supposed to your face there! Do you see your face in there? Frank: Yeah? ...oh really?...oh... how about that?... Right down a hill huh? Okay! Alight! Bye! Frank: George, forget about the shoes. Want you to do something for me (scribbles something on a piece of paper). This handicapped woman had an accident. Somebody gave her a used wheelchair with defective brakes. George: Sons of bitches! Frank: Anyway, I want you to pick up this big screen TV, and deliver it to her. George: Big screen TV? Frank: Do you think you can handle it? Allison: Yes? George: Hi, we're from the United Volunteers, we've come to pick up the TV. Allison: Oh great, it's right over there. Kramer: Ooh, it's a big one! George: Who's got the receipt? Elaine: I do. George: Will they give us cash? Jerry: That's their policy. George: I hate this mall, there are never any spaces here... Kramer: Why don't you park in front of the hydrant? George: What if there is a fire? Kramer: What are the chances of that?

[Setting: night club] Jerry: To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings for these people? They'll go "Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is to have a stereo and a cream-colored couch." According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. *Death* is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. [Setting: Jerry's] Kramer: Why can't I play Kramer? Jerry: Look we've been through this already. You're not an actor! Kramer: Neither are you. Jerry: I know. So why do we need two people in the show that can't act? Kramer: Oh come on Jerry. How hard is it to act. You say something, I'll pretend it's funny. Jerry: My grandmother's in the hospital. Kramer: Ha ha ha. Your grandmother's in the hospital! Jerry: This is real believable. Kramer: What you didn't think I was really laughing? Jerry: It stinks. Kramer: Let me see you do it. Jerry: Say something funny. Kramer: Alright. I've never been to Mars but I imagine it's quite lovely. Jerry: Ah..... Kramer: Mine was better than that! Come on look. (starts to laugh again, Jerry too) George: Why are two pretending to be laughing? Jerry: We're acting. (they stop laughing) George: Oh, real good. (George makes a face like you stink) Any word from NBC? Jerry: No. George: I don't understand. They're supposed to be casting this week. Something's wrong. Maybe they're not doing it. Kramer: (to Jerry) Well at least let me audition. Jerry: (to George) He wants to play Kramer in the Pilot. Kramer: (to George) Yeah! George: Out of the question. Kramer: Oughh! George: (to Jerry) How could we not hear anything? What's with this Russel? What's he doing? (Jerry raises his arms and shoulders like he doesn't know) [Setting: Peter McManus cafe, an Italian restaurant] Russell: I really appreciate you coming. Elaine: Oh, that's O.K. I don't have much time though. So... Russell: All right, first of all, I want to apologize for all the phone calls. It's just-It's just- (awkward pause) I don't understand, we went out once... Elaine: That was two months ago. Russell: Yes I know. I just- I can't get you out of my mind. Ever since that- that day in the restaurant when we met... (we see a flashback from 'The Shoes' of Elaine showing her cleavage and asking Russell for his Ketchup secret) Elaine: Russell, you are the president of NBC. You can have any woman you want. (picks up the bowl of munchies on the table) Russell: But I want you. Elaine: God I hate these mixtures. Why don't they just put pretzels on the table. Even peanuts would be good, but I don't know how eats these cheesy things (she does). Russell: Is it something I said... or did? Elaine: Um... Look Russell... You're a very sweet guy. But I got to be honest with you. I don't like television... and that's your world. That's your life. I mean maybe if you were in... I don't know... Greenpeace or something, that would be different, but network television... I mean, come on, Russell, you're part of the problem. Russell: Oh Elaine, we're doing some really very interesting things right now. We've got some very exciting pilots for next season. We have one with a bright young comedian, Jerry Seinfeld. Elaine: Oh yeah, oh yeah. I've heard of him. He's that "Did you ever notice this? Did you ever notice that?" guy. Russell: Yeah. Anyway it's a ground breaking show. Elaine: Really? What is it about? Russell: (a little more enthusiast) Well, really, it's very unusual. It's about nothing. Elaine: (surprised) What do you mean it's about nothing? Russell: (starts doing George at the first meeting with NBC in 'The Pitch') For example, what did you do today? Elaine: Um, I got up. Um, I went to work. Then I came here. Russell: There's a show. that's a show. Elaine: Russell, see, I'm really not interested in this stuff and I do have to go to work (she gets up). So... Russell: (stops doing George, he's down again) Elaine, When-when-when are we gonna see each other again. Elaine: I'm sorry Russell. I'm sorry O.K.? Bye-bye. (Russell, still sitting watches her leaving). [Setting: Jerry's] Jerry: Hello? Yeah he's here. (to Kramer) Hey! It's for you. George: He's getting phone calls here now? (he's standing near the counter and eating chips out of a big bag) Jerry: (to George) Again with the sweat pants? George: What? I'm comfortable. Jerry: You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable." (George is baffled) Kramer: (to the phone) Hold on a second I got another call. Hello? Yeah, he'll call you back. (Jerry and George look at each other) Jerry: (to Kramer) Who is it? Kramer: That's NBC. Jerry: NBC!?! Give me the phone! Kramer: I'm in the middle of a conversation here. Jerry: Get off the phone! Kramer: (to the phone) Look, I'll call you back. (hangs up) Jerry: You know I'm waiting to hear from them. Who was it? Kramer: Russell Dalrimple's secretary. Jerry: All right. Now you're doing something to help me. (to the phone) Hello yeah it's Jerry Seinfeld returning the call. Uh-huh.. O.K. great thanks a lot. (hangs up)(to George) Casting tomorrow at NBC. 400. We're in business baby, the pilot's on. You're gonna successful. (George looks disappointed) [Setting: Dana's office] George: What if the pilot gets picked up and it becomes a series? Dana: That'd be wonderful George, you'll be rich and successful. George: Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried about. God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy. Dana: I thought you didn't believe in God? George: I do for the bad things. Dana: Do you hear what you're saying? God isn't out to get you George. What... What is that on your lip? George: What? Dana: It's like a discoloration. It's white. George: (gets up and picks a mirror) Yes. Yes, it's white. Why it's white. Dana: You'd better get that checked out. George: Better get that checked out? Dana: I would. George: What kind of a therapist are you? I'm telling I'm scared that something terrible is gonna happen to me, right away you start looking for tumors? Dana: I'm trying to help you. George: What are you like a sadist? No matter how bad somebody feels, you can make 'em feel worse. I bet you're rooting for a tumor. (pointing to her) Dana: I think you'd better go. George: Oh I'm going baby! I'm going! (he leaves) [Setting: Jerry and George in a cab at a light] Jerry: Where? George: Right here. (showing his lip) Jerry: Get out of here, it's nothing. (Jerry knows George is hypochondriac. See 'The Heart Attack') George: (to the cab driver) Excuse me, do you see anything on my lip here? Cabbie: Yeah, it's like a discoloration. George: Oh, my God. Cabbie: Yeah, it's all white. George: (to Jerry) It's all white Jerry! It's all white! Jerry: Would you stop? Cabbie: I would get that checked out if I were you. George: Again with the checked out. I'm not going to the doctor. If I don't to the doctor, then nothing will happen to me. If I go he might find something. Jerry: If you go, maybe they'll catch it in time. George: Catch what in time? Jerry: Whatever it is. George: You think it's something? Cabbie: Ah! I hate these bums with their filthy rags. No no no, I don't want it, get away, get away from my car (he starts his wipers) Jerry: (to George) You know these squeegee- Oh my God! It's crazy Joe Devola. Joe Devola: (through the opened window's cab) Good luck on the pilot Jerry. (the cab pulls away) [Setting: NBC] Stu: (to George) Yeah I think I see it. It's like a white discoloration. George: (to Jay) What do you think it is? Jay: It's like a... white discoloration. (we understand now why a sitcom needs so many producers) Casting Director: O.K. guys, are we ready to start? Jerry: Yeah, where is Russell? I thought he was gonna be here. Stu: Oh you know I don't know. I saw him in the hall this morning, I said hello to him. He walked right past me. Jay: He must be worried about the fall schedule. Stu: Ah, it's a real bear. George: Yeah. So what's going on? We're gonna shoot the pilot and then it's gonna be on TV the following week? Stu: Yeah. Right. Casting Director: This is Mark Matts. He'll be auditioning for the role of George. (the guy looks very cool and casual, and has a lot of hair) Mark: Hey how you doing? Jerry: (thinking) They've gotta be kidding. George: (thinking) This guy's perfect. Casting Director: O.K. Let's read this. I'll be reading Jerry's part. Mark: Anyone call for Vandelay Industries? (George is the only one in the room to find Mark funny) Casting Director: No. Why? Mark: Listen to me. I told the unemployment office I was close to a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when you answer the phone now, you've got to say "Vandelay Industries". Casting Director: I'm Vandelay Industries? Mark: Right. Casting Director: What is that? Mark: You're in latex. Casting Director: What do I do with latex? Mark: I don't know, you manufacture it. Casting Director: This is Michael Barth. Another George. (he's in sweat pants, bald, with glasses) All: Hi Michael. How you doing? Jerry: Everything all right? Michael: I just came from the podiatrist. I have a mole on my foot. I've got a little gangrene, they're probably gonna have to amputate. (everyone laugh except George) Casting Director: Any questions? Michael: Yeah. What are we looking at here? Is this guy like a real loser? George: No, not a loser! Casting Director: Let's start with the second scene. You have it here? Michael: A man gave me a, you know, massage. (everyone laugh except George) Casting Director: So? Michael: Well, he- he had his hands, you know, and uh, he was, huh, ... Casting Director: He was what? Michael: He was you know... he was touching and rubbing. (loud laughter) Casting Director: That's a massage. Michael: I think it moved. Casting Director: This is Melissa Shannon. Melissa: Hi. All: Hi. How you doing. Casting Director: Melissa is reading for Elaine. Melissa: It's like a bald convention out there! (she saw George) Sorry. I, uh, made a faux pas. Jerry: No you didn't. He knows he's bald. Melissa: So how about that guy wearing sweat pants? I mean did he do that for the part or does he walk around like that? (Jerry approves with a nod, George drops his notepad on the coffee table) Casting Director: O.K. Shall we start? (Melissa and the casting director sit down) Jerry: (getting up) Uh, you know what? I'll read with her. Melissa: Oh, great. Jerry: Alright, want to start? Melissa: Yeah. Jerry: O.K. Melissa: Ahem. What was that look? Jerry: What look? Melissa: That look you just gave me? Jerry: I gave a look? Melissa: Yes. George: Thank you! Thank you very much. (Jerry and Melissa stop and look at George) Casting Director: Let's see some more Kramers. All: Hi. How you doing? Tom: (to Jerry and very seriously) How you doing? Jerry: (smiling and surprised at the way Tom is talking) Good. Casting Director: What is this about? Tom: (standing) Levels. Casting Director: Levels? Tom: Yeah. I'm getting rid of all, all my furniture. All of it! I'm building... levels... with steps... completely carpeted... (making the gesture of carpeting steps) with pillows. (everyone laugh. He sits down) Like Ancient Egypt. Casting Director: I don't know how you're gonna be comfortable like that? Tom: Oh! I'll be comfortable. (laughter, applause. He gets up, goes to the coffee table) George: Very nice Jerry: Very good George: Very nice Tom, that was terrific. Tom: May I? (pointing the box of raisins) George: Sure. Thank you for coming in. (Tom eats some raisins) Jerry: (to George) It was a wonderful reading. George: Yeah. Really. Tom: Well, bye. George: Take care. Take it easy. (Tom leaves with the casting director) Stu: Now, I thought he was really good, very funny. Jerry: Yeah, I liked him. George: What happened to the raisins? Jay: Yeah, there was a box of raisins there! George: Did he just steal the raisins? Stu: You think he stole them? Casting Director: (enters with the real Kramer) This is Martin Van Nostrand. Jerry: (to Kramer) What are you doing here? Casting Director: You two know each other? Stu: Wait a minute, I know you. You're the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads. Kramer: That's true. Kramer: (acting very bad) I saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Doughnuts again, but this time, I went in. (pause, stops acting) Oh! Uh, where's the bathroom? Stu: I think if you go down the hall, it's on the right at the very end. Kramer: Yeah. Be right back. (Kramer leaves) (We See Kramer, Groaning And Holding His Stomach, Running Down The Hall, And Opening The Bathroom'S Door. Someone In There Says: "Sorry buddy, full house." We then see Kramer outside leaving the building and running across the street to a restaurant "Sorry, customers only" ...running into a movie theater "Hey you need a ticket!" ...running through the park...) [Setting: Monk's] Elaine: So who's playing Elaine? Jerry: Oh, don't worry about it. Very talented, very takented young actress. Elaine: Really? Jerry: Yes. Elaine: Who is it? Jerry: She's an eskimo, actually. Elaine: Oh, my God (not in the mood to be kidding) Jerry: She came down from Juno by sleigh, she was in the Iditarod. Got to the finish line, just kept going. She's got the dogs with her in the hotel room. Elaine: Listen, was Russell at the casting? Jerry: No, he didn't show up. Elaine: You know, I'm a little bit worried about him. I don't understand. We had one date two months ago. Am I that charming and beautiful? Jerry: No. No you're not. Elaine: Why do I keep setting you up? Jerry: I don't know. Elaine: (to the waitress) Could we get a little more? (she doesn't listen and walks away) Aghh... You know ever since this new owner took over, the service here is *really* slow. Jerry: Yeah. Have you noticed anything else that's different since the new management? Elaine: Mmm. They're putting a little lemon in the tuna. I love that. Jerry: Beside that. Look at the waitresses. Elaine: Yeah? (we see that all the waitresses have big breasts) Jerry: What physical characteristic would you say is common to all of them? Elaine: Ah... Jerry: I mean look at this. Every waitress working here has the same proportions. Wouldn't you say? Elaine: Yes, I would say. Jerry: What's going on here. How is that possible? Elaine: Do you think it's a coincidence? Jerry: No. I haven't seen four women like this together outside of a Russ Meyer film. Elaine: (to the waitress) Hi. Excuse me. Who does all the hiring waitresses here? Waitress: He does. (pointing to the manager, Mr. Visaki) In fact we're looking for another girl if you know anyone. (she walks away) Elaine: You know what? That's discriminatory. That is unfair. Why should these women have all the advantages? It's not enough they get all the attention from men, they have to get all the waitress jobs, too? Jerry: Hey that's life. Good-looking men have the same advantages. You don't see any handsome homeless. [Setting: doctor's clinic] George: You see, It's right here. It's all white... Doctor: Oh yeah. Yeah. I've never seen this before. George: You've never seen this before? Doctor: I'm gonna have to take a biopsy on that. (George grabs the doctor's arm) George: (dramatically) A what? Doctor: A biopsy. George: A biopsy? Doctor: Yeah. George: Cancer? Is it cancer? Do I have cancer? Doctor: Well I don't know what it is. [Setting: Jerry's] George: A biopsy! Jerry: What did he say? George: He said he didn't know what it was. Jerry: Alright. So? George: When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get outta here". That's what I wanted to hear "Cancer? Get outta here?" Jerry: Well, maybe he doesn't have a "get outta here" kind of personality. George: How could you be a doctor and not say "get outta here"? It should be part of the training at medical school "Cancer? Get outta here!" "Go home! What are you crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut. You know that?" (Jerry gives him half of his sandwich to hopefully shut him up) I told you that God would never let me be successful. I never should've written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead Jerry. Because of this. (showing his lip) Jerry: Can't you at least die with a little dignity? George: No I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity? Jerry: Hey. What happened to you yesterday? Kramer: I got mugged. George: You got mugged? Jerry: Mugged? Kramer: Well, I wouldn't have minded it so much but I was running home to go to the bathroom. Jerry: Why didn't you use the bathroom in the building? Kramer: It was full. I tried a few other places, you know, but that didn't work. I mean it was an emergency Jerrry. I was really percolating... So I decided to run home through the park and then these two guys they stopped me and... Jerry: Yeah? Elaine: It's me. Jerry: Come on up. Kramer: But now I have a big problem, buddy. Jerry: What is it? Kramer: Well, I waited so long I- I missed my chance. Jerry: You didn't go? Kramer: No. And now I can't get it back. Jerry: The % thing to do is just not think about it. Kramer: How could you not think about it? Elaine: Hey. Kramer: (mumbles and leaves) Elaine: What's the matter with him? Jerry: He's a little backed up. Elaine: Oh... George: Elaine. Elaine: So I spoke to some of my sisters about that coffee shop. Jerry: Oh, the sisters (he sits at the table) George: (to Jerry) Have you seen the waitresses in there lately? I never had so much coffee in my life. Elaine: So we decided I should go over there and apply for a job myself. George: Apply for a job? What for? Elaine: Because, it's discriminatory (she comes back wearing one of Jerry's shirts, untucked) George: It's a coincidence. Jerry: This is what you gonna wear? Elaine: Yeah. Jerry: You're not gonna get the job. Elaine: Exactly. Jerry: (to the phone) Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah I guess we could do that. At what time? All right. I'll see you there. O.K., bye. (hangs up) Elaine: Who was it? Jerry: TV Elaine. She wants to get together and talk about the part. Elaine: What about the dogs? Jerry: They're having sex in the hotel room. [Setting: Peter McManus cafe, same table as earlier] (Jerry And Tv Elaine: Sandi Robbins) Sandi: So, the Elaine character is based on someone you know. Jerry: Yes. Sandi: And she's really your ex-girlfriend? Jerry: Uh, Huh, yeah. Sandi: I want to get to know her from the inside. What is she like? Tell me about her. Jerry: Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals, banlon, and seeing people running for their lives. She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty. Sandi: How would she eat a hamburger? Jerry: With her hands. Sandi: What about pasta? Jerry: Also with her hands. Sandi: Seriously... I want to experience everything she's experienced. Jerry: Everything? Sandi: Everything. Jerry: All right she cuts her pasta with a knife. Sandi: That's good. What's her favorite movie? Jerry: Shaft. Sandi: You got to get me a picture. What about sex? Jerry: She likes talking during sex. Sandi: Oh... dirty talking? Jerry: No. Just chitchat, movies, current events, regular stuff. You know Sandi- (looking at his watch) Sandi: Elaine. Jerry: What? Sandi: Call me Elaine. Jerry: All right. Elaine. Sandi: How does Elaine kiss? Jerry: Well- Sandi: Does she kiss... like this? (she kisses Jerry) Jerry: Actually she has a thing where she spirals her tongue around, it's like- Sandi: Like this? (kisses again but with the spiral) Jerry: I think you got it. [Setting: Monk's] Kramer: I like to eat spaghetti with just a fork. Because I can keep the strands long, and I can slurp it out to my mouth. Like this look. (faking to slurp spaghetti) Now sex, I like the bottom. Let them do all the work. You should be writing this stuff down... (waitress comes to take the order) Bran lakes...100%. I got a big problem. Tom: I'll have a hamburger. That's it. Kramer: Yeah, that's good. Oh, now I like to play golf. Tom: This stuff doesn't matter to me. See, I'm gonna do the character like me, not like you. Kramer: You gotta play him like me. I'm Kramer. Tom: I'm Kramer. Kramer: Whoa, I'm Kramer. Mr. Visaki: (foreign accent) What can I do for you? Would you like a table. Elaine: No, I'd like to apply for a waitress job. Mr. Visaki: (looks Elaine up and down) Have you ever waited on tables before. Elaine: Oh yeah. I've been a professional waitress for the last 10 years. I've worked all over the city. These, uh, are my references. I'm sure you'll find that I'm more than qualified. Mr. Visaki: I don't think I need anyone else right now. Elaine: You're in big trouble mister. And I mean trouble with a capital 'T'. (she leaves) Mr. Visaki: What? What did I do? [Setting: The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission Office] Elaine: Anyway there's at least four of them, and they're all huge. And one is bigger than the next. It's like a Russ Meyer movie. Fred: Who's Russ Meyer? Elaine: Oh, he's this guy who made these terrible movies in the 70's with these kinds of women. He's obsessed. He's obsessed with breasts. That's hard to say. Fred: Anyway, go on. Elaine: Um... Well, there's not really much more to tell. He was looking for waitresses, and I went in to apply for the job. And, he looked me up and down and he rejected me. Fred: (to a guy in the hall at the water cooler machine) Paul. Come in for a second. I want you to listen to this. Paul: (to Elaine) Hi. Elaine: Hi. Fred: Paul, woman here claims there's a restaurant on the West side that's only hiring large-breasted women. Paul: (to Elaine) Really?

[Setting: NBC, pilot's set] Tom: What do you mean made up? Jerry: It's made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up. It's not Danish. Tom: You're crazy. Jerry: No I'm not. (to Michael) George. Is Haagen-Dazs Danish? Michael: What do you mean Danish? George: (to the guy next to him) This guy stinks. (speaking of Michael) Jerry: Danish. Is it from Denmark? Michael: No, they make it in New Jersey. It's just a Danishy name. Tom: I can't believe that. They fooled *me* Jerry. Rita: (to Jay) Boy, talk about a show about nothing. (Jay, the integral producer, smiles stupidly) George: Uh, excuse me. (stopping them from rehearsing) Excuse me. (he walks to the guy's in charge of yelling "take #!") This-This is not right. May I? (the guy looks at George with a bothered face. George then walks up to Tom and takes him away from Jerry and Michael to talk to him in private)(to Tom) You see, you're going "They fooled *me* Jerry!" (George shakes his head with disapproval) You wanna hit 'fooled' more "They *fooled* me Jerry!". You see the difference? Tom: I'm not gonna say it like that. George: Just a suggestion. (chuckles and walks back to the yelling guy) Yelling Guy: (with the same bothered face and while he's looking at George) All right everybody, take a five. George: (very casual and raising his hand in the air) Yep. That's five! Jerry: George? (walks away to talk privately. George, still casual, taps on Jerry's shoulder) I don't have a lot of experience with this acting stuff. But from what I can gather, they're a little touchy about being told how to say the lines. George: Why is that? Jerry: I don't know, but they don't seem to like it. By the way how am I doing? George: Oh, you're fine... you're fine. (looking at Tom in the back and then quieter to Jerry) So you think this guy playing Kramer took the raisins? Jerry: Why would he steal a box of raisins? George: Yeah, it's bizarre. (they both look around them suspiciously) Rita: (to Jay about Russell) What's with him? (to Russell) Russell? (louder) Russell? Russell: What? Rita: You O.K.? Russell: Yeah. No, uh, I was just thinking of something. I'll be back in a second. (he gets up and leaves) Sandi: What's the matter? Jerry: Nothing. Sandi: You're acting weird. Is anything wrong? Jerry: No. Sandi: Are you breaking up with me? Jerry: Are we going out? Sandi: You're breaking up with me, aren't you? (almost crying) Jerry: Do you want me to break up with you? Sandi: If that's what you want. Jerry: I don't even know what you're talking about. Sandi: Fine. Break up with me. Jerry: All right. We're broken up. Sandi: (little pause) Can we still be friends? (Jerry raises his head, staring ahead and wondering what's going on) George: Remember when you came to audition for us? Tom: Yeah. George: There was a box of raisins on the coffee table. Did you, by any chance, take them with you when left? Tom: What are you talking about? George: Well we were all eating the raisins. And I remember you-you were eating some of the raisins. And then you left, and the raisins were gone. And I was just wondering if, you know (chuckles), maybe you took them with you. Tom: Are you accusing me of stealing the raisins? George: Oh, no, no- Tom: (angry) Why would I steal a box of raisins!? George: No you wouldn't. Nobody would. It's just that... they were missing, and... well I'm just inquiring. (chuckles nervously) Tom: Let me give you a word of advice. O.K.? I want you to stay away from me. I don't wanna talk to you, and I don't wanna hear anymore of your stupid little notes and suggestions. I don't like you. So if you got any other problems whether it's raisins, prunes, figs, or any other dried fruit, just keep it to yourself and stay out of my way, O.K.? George: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right. I don't think we're gonna have any problem with that. (chuckles nervously) Good talking to you Tom. Really. Russell: (nervously, almost desperately) Elaine. Elaine. What do you want? What can I do? Is it my job? Is that what it is? Elaine I can't go on like this. Will you call me? Would you call me? Well, why? All right. May I call you? Elaine? Elaine? (she hung up. An employee walks by, bumps into Russell and spills coffee accidentally on him) David: Excuse me Mr. Dalrimple. I am so sorry. Russell: All right. All right. What's your name? David: David Richardson. Russell: Get out! You're fired! David: But Mr. Dalrimple- Russell: Don't talk back to me. Didn't you hear what I say? Get out! You want me to call the cops? I make and break little worms like you every day. Do you know how much money I make? Do you have any idea! Do you know where I live? I can have any woman in this city that I want. Any one. Now, GET OUT! (David leaves. Everyone on the set is looking at Russell) What are you all looking at? Go back to work! BACK! NOW! (they do, Russell leaves) [Setting: Jerry's] George: The doc called and said the lab's backed up and now I'm not gonna get the results for another two days. Jerry: Ah! You're fine. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm the one who's dying. George: What do you mean? Jerry: Because I can't act! I stink! I don't what I'm doing! George: Come on you're... uh... you're fine. Jerry: This show's gonna ruin my entire career. I don't know how I got involved in this. George: What about me? I was a total failure. Everything was fine. Now this thing's gonna be a success and God's gonna give me a terminal disease. Jerry: This actress playing Elaine, she's out of her mind. George: The guy playing Kramer threatened me. Jerry: Why? George: 'cause I asked him about the raisins. Jerry: You mentioned the raisins. George: Oh yeah. Jerry: Did he take 'em? George: I don't know. Jerry: Well if he didn't take 'em, what happened to 'em? George: That's what I'm trying to find out. Jerry: Hey. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Any luck? Kramer: No. No, nothing. I got no... peristalsis. Jerry: What about bran? Kramer: I tried bran- 40%, 50% 100%. The bran isn't working for me. Jerry: Well my friend, (Jerry puts his hand on Kramer's shoulder) it may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus. Kramer: Pfft! Hold it right there. If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, you're wasting your time. I am not Jerry, under any circumstances, doing any inserting in that area. Jerry: Oh, it's not that bad! George: Yes it is. Elaine: Well it's all taken care of. I filed a report. An investigation is underway. Jerry: (to Elaine) So, you going to the taping tomorrow night? Elaine: No. I don't think I should go. I really don't wanna bump into Russell. He called me the other day. He won't quit. Jerry: Oh, come on you gotta go! He's harmless. He's got a little crush on you. Elaine: Jerry, this is not a crush. This is a complete fixation. he makes me very uncomfortable. Jerry: We need you there! Elaine: (to Kramer) Hey are you gonna go? Kramer: No. No. I'm gonna stay home. I want to be close to my home base in case there's any news from the front. (he leaves) [Setting: NBC, pilot's set, the taping] Sandi: (to her hairdresser) No! Pick it up more in the front! It's got to be higher! Higher! Make a wall! A wall! Assistant Dresser: Sandi, are you in wardrobe? Sandi? Jerry: Try Elaine. Assistant Dresser: Elaine? Sandi: Yes? Wilton: Elaine? It's me- Wilton Marshall. Remember? Camp Tioga- 1978? Remember? Elaine: Oh, right. Wilton: Wow! You know you haven't changed a bit. Michael: I can't remember my lines!!! Jerry: Just relax, you'll be fine. Michael: I can't relax. I don't know what line! I don't know any of 'em! Jerry: You're just like George. George'd do the same thing. You're just like him. It's amazing! Michael: Help me Jerry! Help me! Rita: (to Stu) Where is Russell? Stu: You know I don't know. I thought he was coming. I assumed he wouldn't miss it. Jay: He hasn't been well. Stu: (to Rita) Can I tell you something in confidence? I think it's a woman. Rita: How pathetic. George: This is George Costanza, I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh, my God. WHY! WHY! WHY? What? What? Negative is good? Oh, yes of course! How stupid of me. Thank you. Thank you very much. (he hangs up) George: (he walks casually to Tom, and taps his arm) Listen. I know we've had our problems in the past, but we got a show to do tonight. Time to pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say, let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins- They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange to do to walk into a room, audition, and to walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always opened. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins. We'll have a nice laugh. Tom: How would you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now, and shoved it down your throat? Pat Hazell: Are you ready to meet our cast? (crowd applause) All right. Jerry: Good evening, folks. How you doing? (small reaction from the crowd) Well, you sound like a great crowd. We have a show we're gonna put on for you tonight. It's a new TV show. It's what they call a pilot. And we hope it becomes a series. It's called 'Jerry', and I'm playing Jerry- Joe Devola: (getting up then shouting) SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! (he jumps over a balcony and on the stage. The crowd is yelling) [Setting: Jerry's] George: Sic semper tyrannis? What is that, Latin? Jerry: Yeah, it's what John Wilkes Booth yelled out when he shot Lincoln. George: Really? What does it mean? Jerry: It means "Death to tyrants". George: I can see that. Elaine: See, now this is exciting! This is exciting! Did I miss anything already? Jerry: No, it starts in five minutes. You were there at the taping, what's the big deal? Elaine: Nah, now it's on TV. It's different. I told everybody I know to watch it. George: Yeah, me too. Jerry: Hey, what about Russell? Did you hear from him? Elaine: No. Jerry: Strange. Even not showing up at the taping... Kramer: Hey, pistol-packin mama, you swing that gal around, Allemande left with the old gray hag, around and around you go. Yee-ha!! Jerry: Well, well, well. Elaine: Congratulations. Kramer: Well, thank you. George: You went for the big "E". Kramer: Wet and wild. Jerry: All right. Come on sit down. It's about to start. Kramer: Oh, yes. Elaine: Hey, what's this? Look. A wallet. Jerry: A wallet? Let me see that. Elaine: Here. Jerry: Ah, man! It's my father's wallet! The one he thought they stole at the doctor's office that time. George: Shh! This is it! Jerry: How do you like that? (The Show Begins. There Are Three Different Settings While The Show Is On Tv. Each Line Or Description Will Be Preceded By The Right Setting: (Jerry'S Doing His Stand-Up Routine At A Comedy Club. There'S The Music Theme And We Don'T Hear What He Is Saying, But The Closed Captions Put That: We See The Title 'Jerry', Then, Sitting At The Comedy Club, We See: Micheal, Sandi, And Tom, And Finally Jerry, And The Four Of Them Make A Toast While It'S Written: "Created by Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza". Elaine: Bravo! George: You hurt me. Michael: Hey. Jerry: Hey George. Michael: New sneakers? Jerry: Yeah. Michael: What do you need new sneakers for? Jerry: I like sneakers. Michael: How do you make a decision which one to wear? I'd go crazy if I have to decide which sneakers to wear every day. Jerry: Nah, you're crazy anyway. Susan And Allsion: (to each other while they recognize one of George's behaviors in Michael) George! Sid: What kind of stupid show is this? Hey! It's that idiot that took all my records! (the houskeeper starts laughing) Marla: John, what are you doing? Come back to bed. John: (with a Boston accent) This show looks interesting. Isn't he that Seinfeld fellow you went out with? Marla: Ooh, he's horrible! Horrible! John: Nevertheless... The Drake: Ah, that Jerry's a funny guy. Huh? Got to love the Sein! Allsion: Hate the Sein! (while she adjusts the tiny antenna) Ping: I can't believe you liked him. Cheryl: I thought he was dark and disturbed. Ping: Real perceptive. Donald: This is a piece of crap! Mother: Donald, you used to like him. Donald: What a sellout! Give me that remote! Mel: No, Donald. Kramer: Come on Jerry, the commercials almost over. Jerry: All right. Elaine: You know Jerry I really like this guy who's playing the butler. Jerry: Oh yeah. He's good. You know he's John Ritter's cousin. Elaine: Really? Jerry: Yeah. Jerry: Hello, Charles. Charles: Hello. So, where do you want me to start today? Jerry: Why don't you start in the bedroom? Charles: (to himself, upset) Start in the bedroom... Tom: Hey. Jerry: Hey. The butler's here. Tom: He is? Listen. When he's finished, send him over to my house. Jerry: I'm not sending him to your house. Tom: Why not? Jerry: Because the judge decreed he'd become my butler, not my friend's butler. Tom: Jerry, he is your butler. You can give him any order you want. That's what butlers do. Jerry: But I don't want to. Kramer: Jerry, my house is a pigsty, come on. Jerry: Yeah? Sandi: (from the buzzer's speaker) It's Elaine. Jerry: Come on up. Charles: I need more Pledge. Jerry: More Pledge! I just bought two cans last week and I don't even have any wood in the house! Charles: Well, it goes fast. Sandi: (to Charles, very friendly) Hello. Charles: Hello. (he goes back in the bedroom) Jerry: What's all this about? Sandi: We had a date. Jerry: You had a date? You went out with my butler? Who said you could go out with my butler? Sandi: Why do I need your permission? Jerry: Because he's my butler! Morty: That's terrific! Helen: How could anyone not like him? C.K.: I like his style. He has a sort of casual elegance. Tia: But he picks his nose. C.K.: Nevertheless... Sal Bass: He's a member of our health club. Isn't he? Sidra: Yeah... Sal Bass: You know that Kim Novak has some big breasts? Jerry: Ever notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves? Jerry: You know I think when you name a baby Jeeves, you've pretty much mapped out his future, wouldn't you say? Not much chance is gonna be a hitman I think after that. (with a British accent) "Terribly sorry Sir, but I'm going to have to whack you". [Setting: back to Jerry's] All: (applauding and shaking hands) Wooh! Yeah! Elaine: Wow! That was great! That show was so funny. It was really funny. I'm not just saying that cause I know you. Honestly. Jerry: Let's go out and celebrate! (they all get up) Elaine: That was so good. Jerry: Come on let's eat something. (phone rings) Elaine: You know what I think this thing is gonna get picked up George. You guys are gonna be rich! George: Do you really think so? Elaine: Oh yeah. George: And God didn't kill me. Jerry: (to the phone) Hello? Rita: Hi Jerry, this is Rita Kierson. Jerry: Oh, hi Rita. Rita: I'm calling to let you know that Russell Dalrimple is no longer with this network. Jerry: Oh, my God. Did he get fired? Rita: To be honest with you. Nobody really knows. He seems to have disappeared. Jerry: Russell's disappeared? Rita: In any event, I've been made the new president of NBC. As you may or may not know, Russell and I did not see eye to eye on many, many projects. And as my first order of business, I'm, uh, passing on your show. Jerry: You're passing already? But the show just ended two minutes ago! Rita: Well, I just got the job. Goodbye, Jerry. Jerry: Yeah, see ya. (he hangs up) Elaine: What- What are you looking at me for? George: It was you! Elaine: What did I do? Jerry: Do you realize his obsession with you cost us a TV series? Elaine: I didn't know that he'd fall for me and I'd drive him insane. I mean, you know, that's not my fault. George: Yes it is! You're very charming! Elaine: I can't believe this? What happened to him? Where the hell is he? Jerry: No one knows. [Setting: Greenpeace raft on the ocean, following a whaler] Russell: She works for Pendant Publishing. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. You know, I used to work for NBC, but when I go back to her this time, she'll respect me. Man On Raft: You'd better get down. They might start firing soon. (harpoon fires) [Setting: Monk's] Jerry: Hey look at this. What is going on here? George: Well, well, well. Elaine: Nothing has changed. How did this happen? (she sees the two guys of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission at a table) Ah, these are the two guys I talked to at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Hey! What are you two guys doing here? I thought you were gonna do something about this. Now you're eating here? Fred: Oh no. That's why we're here. We're checking things out. Paul: Yeah, we're checking it out. Elaine: (to Paul) You're checking it out? Man: (to Fred and Paul) See you back at the office, guys. Mr. Visaki: Fred, Paul, lunch and dinner? Boy, you guys ought to move in. How about a piece of pie on me? Sophia! Take care of these fellows. Elaine: (to the manager) Hey! Come here a second. I want you to know something. You are not gonna get away with this! Mr. Visaki: Get away with what? Elaine: Ah, "with what?" You know what. With the waitresses. How they're all... alike. Mr. Visaki: Of course they're alike. They're my daughters. Elaine: (embarrassed, but smiling) Oh, your daughters. George: You must be very proud Mr. Visaki. (shaking his hand) And may I say sir they're lovely girls, absolutely lovely girls. It's nice to see such fine upstanding women in gainful employment, Mr. Visaki. Mr. Visaki: Oh, here's a table for you. George: A table right here. Mr. Visaki: Peggy! George: Peggy! (they all sit) His daughter Peggy. Peggy's coming over to serve. Jerry: What a family! Mr. Visaki: My daughter Peggy. George: Ah! Peggy. Good to see you. Elaine: Hi Peggy. George: Thank you very much. (Peggy leaves the menus and walks away) So guess what I got do tomorrow? Jerry: What? George: Start looking for a job. Kramer: You know what you ought to do George? You should work for Greenpeace. You those people they attack the whalers out on the open sea. George: Are you crazy? You take your life in your hands with those nuts. [Setting: Greenpeace raft] Man: Keep fighting matey! Get your head above the water! I've got you matey! I've got you! Matey! (he loses the rope) I'll remember her name! Elaine Benes! I'll write to her. I'll tell her all about you and what you did out here! Goodbye, matey! Goddbye!

[Location: Monk's] Jerry: So, what's her name? George: Karen. Jerry: Is she nice? George: Great. Jerry: So you like her? George: I think so. Jerry: You don't know? George: I can't tell anymore. Jerry: Well do you feel anything? George: Feel? What's that? Jerry: All right, let me ask you this when she comes over, you're cleaning up a lot? George: Yeah. Jerry: You're just straightening up or you're cleaning? George: Cleaning Jerry: You do the tub? George: Yeah. Jerry: On your knees, Ajax, hands scrubbin', the whole deal? George: Yeah, yeah. Jerry: Okay, I think you're in love! George: Tub is love? Jerry: Tub is love. George: Hah. Jerry: So there you are. You've got a nice girl and a clean apartment. George: Yep. There's one liiiittle problem. Jerry: Sexual? George: Yeeeaaah. (Jerry and George lean in to make their conversation a little more private) Well... I've never really felt confident in uh... one particular aspect. Jerry: Below the equator? George: Yeah. Jerry: Nobody does. You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort. George: I-I don't know. Last time I got the tap. Jerry: You got the tap? George: You know, you're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap. (George taps his own shoulder). You know it's like pfffff (whistling sound), all right that's enough, you're through. Jerry: The tap is tough. George: It's like the manager coming out and asking you for the ball. Jerry: Well maybe she just wanted to move on to other business. George: No, no, this wasn't moving on. I got the hook. I wish I could get a lesson in that. Jerry: It's a very complicated area. George: You can go crazy trying to figure that place out. Jerry: It's a haaazy mystery. George: Anyway, I think everything else is okay. Unless of course she's faking. Elaine: Who's faking? George: Nothing. Elaine: Faking what? George: Nobody's faking. Elaine: Ah! Orgasm? George: She's not faking! Elaine: How do you know? George: I know. I can tell. It's one of my powers. Why, did you ever fake? Elaine: Of course. Jerry: Really? George: You faked? Elaine: On occasion. Jerry: And the guy never knows? Elaine: No. Jerry: How can he not know that? Elaine: Because I was gooood. Jerry: I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway. Elaine: You didn't know. Jerry: What? Elaine: You didn't know. Jerry: Are you saying... George: I think I'll have a piece of cake. Jerry: With me? Elaine: Well... Jerry: You faked with me? Elaine: Ye. Jerry: You faked with me? Elaine: Yeass. Jerry: No. Elaine: Yeass. Jerry: You faked it? Elaine: I faked it. Jerry: That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act? Elaine: Not bad huh? Jerry: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming? Elaine: (points in the air as is to point out each things Jerry asked) Fake, fake, fake, fake. Jerry: I'm stunned, I'm shocked! How many times did you do this? Elaine: Uuuhm, all the time. Jerry: All the time?! George: We got a chocolate malt in here! Jerry: But I'm so good. George: I'm sure you are. Elaine: Jerry, listen, it wasn't you. I just didn't have 'em back then. Jerry: She faked. Jerry: Maybe they've all been faking. Elaine: I'm sure they're not. George: Maybe Karen is faking. [Location: Jerry's apartment] Kramer: She was probably joking. Jerry: No no, it was no joke. Kramer: She didn't have any? Jerry: No. None. Kramer: (raising hand) She faked 'em all. Jerry: (raising hand) Faked 'em all. Kramer: Well so she faked 'em, so what? Jerry: The woman had an orgasm under false pretences. That's sexual perjury. Kramer: You know I heard her screaming from my apartment? She woke me up a few times. Jerry: How did she do it? She's like Meryl Streep this woman. And I had to work the equipment. I'm not unskilled, I'm in the union. If she'd at least told me, maybe I could have done something about it. Kramer: Yeah I could have helped you out. Jerry: What could you have done? Kramer: I could have given you some pointers. I know how to press those buttons buddy. Jerry: I'm feeling very inadequate about the whole thing. Kramer: Aaaaah. Jerry: Don't aaaaah! I'm supposed to do something with her later? I don't even think I wanna see her. Kramer: Giddy-up. Jerry: Hello... Oh hello Elaine. Elaine: So we're having dinner tonight? Jerry: I don't know, I'm not really in the mood. Elaine: Why? What's wrong? You're not still thinking about this afternoon are you? Jerry: What, the grilled cheese? Naaah, they always burn the toast. Elaine: Nooo, the other thing. Jerry: Oooh that. Well... Elaine: Oh come on, Jerry. Making to much of a big deal about it. Jerry: Yeah I guess. So you wanna meet at that place at seven thirty? Elaine: Okay. Jerry: All right. Elaine: All right, see you later. Jerry: Bye. Elaine: Bye. [Location: Elaine's office] Elaine: Rene, can you come here a second? Let me ask you something Ummm, have you ever... you know... faked it? Rene: Yeah, sometimes. Elaine: Really, like when? Rene: Like if we went to a Broadway show, if we had really good seats. (Elaine is sitting there, jaw opened shaking her head yes) Well you know, if it's enough all ready and I just wanna get some sleep. [Location: Jerry's apartment] Jerry: I really don't feel like seeing her. Kramer: You know, I faked it. Jerry: (confused) What?! Kramer: Yeah. Jerry: You faked it? Why would you do that? Kramer: Well you know, if it's enough already and I just wanna get some sleep. Jerry: Yeah, but why would you... (Kramer is eating a peach then disgusted he spits it out) Bad peach? Kramer: It's terrible! Jerry: Did you get that at Joe's? Kramer: Yeah, of course I got it at Joe's. Jerry: That's surprising, his fruit is usually the best. Kramer: You know what I'm gonna do? (heading for the door) I'm gonna return this. Jerry: You're returning used fruit? Kramer: Jerry this peach is sub par. [Location: Joe's] Joe: So what do you want me to do? Kramer: I want restitution. Joe: Restitution? You want restitution? Why should I give you restitution? Kramer: Because it's no good. Joe: When you put that fruit out, that's where it ends for me. Kramer: It's still your fruit, you gotta stand behind your fruit. Joe: I stand behind my fruit. Kramer: So... Joe: Hey, you got a bad peach? That's an act of God. He makes the peaches. I don't make the peaches, I sell the peaches. You have a problem? You talk to him. Kramer: You know this whole place is going vrrrrrrrrrrrrt, downhill. I could have come in here last week with a bad plum but I let it go. Joe: Well let me put a solution for ya do your business elsewhere, I don't want your business. Kramer: Oh now you don't want my business. Joe: No, I don't want your business and from this moment you're banned from the store, you're banned! Kramer: But what am I gonna do for fruit? [Location: restaurant] Karen: (moaning) Mmmmm, Mmmm, Hmmhmmhmmm (lights a cigarette) Mmmm (takes a puff) Woo George: (thinking of the moans) Heh. (Karen takes another puff of her cigarette) You seem like you really enjoyed your Risotto. (chuckles) You have a very contented air over there. (chuckles again) You look very contented, very satisfied. (pauses) Are you satisfied? Karen: I'm very satisfied. George: I-I'm sure if you weren't satisfied you would probably say something wouldn't you? Karen: I probably would. But then again I'm an enigma. George: Hey listen... umm, instead of the movie... uh, maybe we'll go back and uh you know...(nudges her head with his head) Karen: Maybe. George: So... uh you feel okay about that whole thing... what we do in there... you're generally okay with everything in there? Karen: Generally. George: Do you uh feel the way you feel after the Risotto? Karen: Well no, I feel full after the Risotto. George: Yeah...(scratching his head) full. [Location: (another) restaurant] Elaine: Oh god, Mmmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmmmm, Mmm, Ah, Woo Jerry: Satisfied? Elaine: Mmm, hey, you know what? You wanna go see that new Meryl Streep movie? Jerry: Meryl Streep? Elaine: You don't like her? Jerry: Ah, she's okay. Elaine: I love her Jerry, she's so authentic. I really believe everything is actually happening to her. There's no acting there. Jerry: Yeah. You don't want coffee or anything do you? Elaine: I really admire actors, you know. It's just such an incredible skill. Jerry: Yeah, yeah, can we get off of this? Elaine: What's the matter? Jerry: Nothing. Elaine: You're not still thinking about that are you? Jerry: Nooo. Elaine: Oh good. Jerry: Give me another shot! Elaine: (shocked) What? Jerry: Another shot, I want another shot. Elaine: You mean...? Jerry: Yes! Elaine: Oooh no, I don't think so. Jerry: Come on! One shot, I can do it, I know I can do it! Elaine: Jerry, we're friends! We can't do that, it would ruin our friendship. Jerry: Oh friendship... friendship, shmanship . Elaine: Jerry no, that's important to me. Jerry: We won't ruin the friendship. Elaine: Ya, Yes we will! Jerry: Elaine... Elaine: No Jerry, it is out of the question. You know what sex does to a friendship, it kills it. Jerry: A half hour, give me a half our. Elaine: No! Jerry: Okay, fifteen minutes. I guarantee you fifteen minutes, I can make it happen! Elaine: Noo! Jerry: You're worried I'll be able to do it aren't you? Elaine: What, no, it doesn't matter. Jerry, I don't care. Jerry: That's it, that's it. You like having this over me, you don't want me to do it. Elaine: That is so ridiculous. Jerry: Come on, Elaine! Elaine: No. Jerry: Elaine?! Elaine: No! [Location: Karen's bedroom] George: It's Jerry's fault. Karen: Jerry? George: Jerry and Elaine. They made me nuts. Karen: Oh I don't care, George, really it's all right. George: So you feel okay? Karen: Well, it's not like after the Risotto. [Location: Jerry's car] Jerry: Well good night. Elaine: I still don't understand why we had to walk out on that movie. Jerry: Oh that Meryl Streep, she's such a phony baloney. Elaine: Goodnight. Thanks for a really fabulous evening (sarcastic). Jerry: Oh what, you're upset? Elaine: Yes I'm upset, can't you tell? Jerry: No I can't, maybe you're faking. Elaine: I'm really, really sorry I told you that. Jerry: I'm sorry too. Elaine: Well stop being such a baby. Jerry: You're a baby! Elaine: You're a baby! [Location: Jerry's apartment] George: It's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him 'Please wake up, do something.' Jerry: They're mysterious little fellows aren't they? George: I hate him! Jerry: You know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens. George: It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Hey. Kramer: Hey listen, if I give you money would you go out and get me some fruit? Jerry: Why can't you get it? Kramer: Well I got banned from the store I can't go back in there now. Jerry: What happened? Kramer: Well you know, we had a fight over the peach and uh well Joe doesn't want my business. George: Hey, was that a joke about Houdini? Jerry: (to George) No. (to Kramer) I told you not to say anything. Kramer: Jerry, what am I gonna do for fruit? Jerry: Well you'll have to go to the supermarket. Kramer: The supermarket? That's impossible! They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don't know what's going on with the Papayas! Jerry you gotta go to Joe's, you gotta get me some fruit! Jerry: Oh so what I'm going to buy all your fruit now? George: Well if Houdini couldn't do it, what chance do I have? Jerry: Hello... Oh hi Patty, thanks for calling me back. I-I just wanted to ask you a question when we we're going out did you have orgasms?... Okay, thanks... No that's it... Ya, Okay, bye. Jerry: Patty Lawrence had 'em! Kramer: Alright look I'm gonna make you a fruit list, all right? Jerry: Yeah. Jerry: Hello Elaine? Patty Lawrence had orgasms what do you think about that? And I got calls in to six other women and I bet you they confirm an orgasm too. So what do you have to say now Elaine?... Hello? [Location: outside Joe's] Jerry: Why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong? Kramer: All right now here's the list. (hands Jerry the list) Jerry: All this? It's too much. What do you need five mangos for? Kramer: I like mangos. Jerry: Avocado? I don't know how to pick out an avocado. Kramer: Well they gotta be soft. Jerry: How soft? Kramer: Not too soft. Better too hard than too soft. Jerry: (looking over the list) Hmm ah. I'm not going through this every week, I tell you that right now. And what are these? Plums? What is that? Kramer: Yeah now get the ones that are red on the inside. Jerry: Uh huh. Well how do I know what they look like on the inside? What do they look like on the outside? Kramer: Oh! And get some plantains. (grabs the list to write them down) Jerry: Plantains? Kramer: Yeah. Jerry: What the hell is a plantain. Kramer: It's part of the banana family. It's a delicacy. Jerry: (grabbing the list from Kramer) You're not getting any plantains. Jerry: Hey Joe. Joe: How's it going? Jerry: Good, just getting some fruit for myself. Uh, gotta have fruit in the house. I like it as a snack. Wholesome, natural, chock-full of vitamins. Alright let's see... mangos... four plums with red on the inside... avocado... (looks at Joe; Joe gives him a weird look)ooo, just right... and three plantains uh ought to do it. Joe: All right, all right, just hold it right there. Jerry: What? Joe: This fruit isn't for you. Jerry: (shocked) Wha, what are you talking about? Joe: You think I don't know huh? Mangos, plantains, plums with the red on the inside, that's Kramer! Jerry: I can't buy mangos and plantains? Joe: All right, get out! Jerry: You're making a big mistake, Joe! Joe: I'll tell you something else I don't what your business anymore either. Jerry: Are saying you're banning me from the store? Joe: That's exactly what I'm saying. Jerry: I'm banned?! Joe: You're banned. [Location: Jerry's apartment] George: All right, where do you want it? Jerry: Put it over there. Kramer: Yes! Oh look at this, these mangos are beautiful! Oh these are beautiful, (smells them) you did good George. George: All right I gotta get going. Jerry: What are you doing? George: I got a date with Karen. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Nothing happening down there. Jerry: You're thinking about it too much. You're putting too much emphasis on it. George: I knew this was gonna happen some day. It was inevitable. I've known it ever since I was a little kid. I've been waiting for it. Kramer: This mango is delicious! George: That reminds me, I'm not getting you guys any more fruit. That guy was eyeballing me the whole time. He gave me the creeps. All right, you owe me twenty-eight sixty. Jerry: Sorry, I don't have any cash. Kramer: I only got hundreds. George: You see... All right I knew it. Kramer: Come on, come on, we're gonna pay you! Here have some mango. George: I don't want any mango. Kramer: Come on, take some. It's good. George: Very good. Juicy. Kramer: Ya. George: Ripe. Boy, this Joe's got some terrific fruit. Kramer: Mmm. Jerry: What? George: I feel like I got a B12 shot. This is like a taste explosion! Kramer: Ya I told you. Jerry: What is it? George: I think it moved. Oh my god, I think it moved. Yeah, give me the big piece. I'll see you later. Elaine: Hi George. George: I'm back, baby, I'm back! Kramer: Want some mango? Elaine: Noo, thanks. Jerry: Well well, if it isn't the first lady of the American Theatre. (Elaine smiles and rolls her eyes at him) What brings you here? Elaine: Just gonna return some of your things that were in my house. Jerry: Oh and I've got some things of yours here. Elaine: I know. Jerry: Well I'll get them. Elaine: I'm waiting. Jerry: All right. (goes into his hallway and comes back) You got my fins? Elaine: Yeah I got your fins. You got my poker chips? Jerry: I got your poker chips. You got my goggles? Elaine: They're next to the fins. You got my cards? Jerry: They're next to the poker chips. Elaine: All right and that just about... does it. Jerry: I guess. Elaine: Okay, welp... see you around. Jerry: Yeah, see you. Elaine: All right, let's go, I give you half an hour. Jerry: (shocked) What? Elaine: Come on! Jerry: Are you serious? Elaine: Look, Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship. Jerry: Sex... to save the friendship. (Elaine drops her bag, takes off her jacket and walks into Jerry's bedroom) Well, if we have to (un-tucks his shirt) we have to. [Location: Karen's bedroom] Karen: Mmmm, Oh George, oooh. George: Please, it's not necessary. Karen: Mmm What's not necessary? George: The little extra moan you threw in there. Laying it on a bit thick, don't you think? Karen: What are you talking about? George: What am I talking about? Come on. (laughing) You don't think I bought all that? (does a little move) Karen: What, what? George: You're very good. Very good with the moanings and the gyrations. Y-You really had me going there for a minute. Karen: You think I was faking? George: Come on 'Oh George, oh Geeeooorge!' Come on! Not that I don't appreciate the effort that was put into it. Karen: I'd like you to leave. George: What? Karen: I said, I would like you to leave. Come on, just get your clothes on and get out. George: But why? Karen: Because I said so. (pushes George off the bed) George: I-I-I can't find my glasses. Karen: Well hurry up. George: I need to look for my glasses. Karen: (seen through George eyes all blurry) Get out! Get out!! Get out!!! [Location: Jerry's bedroom] Jerry: It's all George's fault. All that talk about impotence. It got to me. And that orgasm stuff orgasm this and orgasm that. It's a lot of pressure! Elaine: You know I'm a little hungry. You wouldn't happen to have any of that mango left? The Female Orgasm Is Kinda Like The Bat Cave, Very Few People Know Where It Is And If You'Re Lucky Enough To See It You Probably Don'T Know How You Got There And You Can'T Find You Way Back After You Left. There Are Two Types Of Female Orgasms: the real and the fake. And uh I'll tell you right now, as a man, we don't know. We do not know, because to a man sex is like a car accident and determining the female orgasm is like being asked 'What did you see after the car went out of control?'. 'Uh I heard a lot of screeching sounds, uh I remember I was facing the wrong way at one point. And in the end my body was thrown clear.

[Setting: Jerry's apartment] George: I can't believe this. Jerry: Oh, it won't be for that long. George: How can I do this? How can I move back in with those people? Please, tell me. They're insane. You know that. Jerry: Hey, my parents are just as crazy as your parents. George: How can you compare you parents to my parents?! Jerry: My father has never thrown anything out. Ever! George: My father wears his sneakers in the pool! Sneakers! Jerry: My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water. George: (Showing Jerry up) Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee.. never went 'Ha!' Jerry: A smirk? George: Maybe!.. And I'm moving back in there! Jerry: I told you I'd lend you the money for the rent. George: No, no, no, no. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship. Kramer: Alright. I'm ready. (To George) You know, I still don't understand - why do you want to move back in with your parents? George: I don't want to! I'm outta money! I got 714 dollars left in the bank. Kramer: Well, move in here. Jerry: (Stopping the notion) What's that? Kramer: Why doesn't he just move in here? George: (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna move in with him. He doesn't even let you use the toilet! Kramer: You can move in with me, if you want. George: (Sincerely) Thank you.. I, uh.. that might not work out. [Setting: The Costanza's house] Estelle: Careful! Careful with the suitcases! We just painted! Kramer: Hello, Mrs. Costanza. Jerry: (quietly) Hello, Mrs. Costanza. Estelle: (not really noticing Jerry said Hello) Hello, Kramer. Close the door. Kramer: Well, I gotta bring in more stuff. (Heads for the door) Estelle: More stuff?! Kramer: Yeah. (Exits) Estelle: (To George) How much is there?! George: (Annoyed) There's more. Estelle: So, how are ya, Jerry? Jerry: Fine, Mrs. Costanza. (Attempts to get Estelle to laugh) Hey, I got a terrific joke for you.. Estelle: (Sits down on the couch) Nah, not interested. Jerry: No, no. It-It's really funny. There's these two guys- Estelle: (Interrupting) Tell it to the audience. (George gives Jerry an 'I told you so' look) Here, (Picks up a plate full of sandwiches) I made some bologna sandwiches. George: Bologna?! No one eats bologna anymore! Estelle: What are you talking about?! (to Jerry) Have a sandwich. Jerry: (setting down a box) No thanks. Estelle: Oh, stop it! You don't want one, Kramer? Kramer: Uhh.. no thanks. (Goes back out the door) Estelle: I think you're all a little touched in the head. (Puts the plate down) You're so worried about your health.. You're young men. Jerry: I really don't eat it. Estelle: What am I gonna do with all these sandwiches?! Will you take them home? Give them to someone in your building? Jerry: I don't know if I'd feel comfortable handing out bologna sandwiches in the building.. Kramer: (Enters with a box) Alright, that's it. Anything else? George: (Muttering) No, that's it. Kramer: Oh, I gotta go move the car. Alright (Leaves) Jerry: Well, I guess we'll be going.. (Heads for the door) George: (Runs over to him, not wanting him to leave) What? You're going? Jerry: Yeah. George: Wha - what are you doing later? Jerry: Oh, Elaine and I are going out to dinner with Kramer and his new girlfriend. George: Really? Jerry: Yeah, You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was that?' George: Yeah.. may - maybe I'll meet ya? Estelle: No, George. We're going out to eat tonight with your father. George: (Mutters) Oh.. okay.. talk to you later. Jerry: Yeah, take it easy. (Leaves) George: Oh, my God.. (Buries his face into his hands) [Setting: A Restaurant] Elaine: Okay, well, he had this idea of a pizza place where you make your own pie! (Laughs) Jerry: Right. Eliane: You remember that? Kramer: Yeah, well, that was a good one. Jerry: Well.. Elaine: What's that? Jerry: Excuse me? Jerry: Yeah.. yeah. Elaine: Yep. Yeah.. Kramer: You know that, uh, Leslie (Points to her) is in the clothing business? She's a designer. Elaine: (Interested) Oh? Kramer: In fact, she's come up with a new one that is going to be the big new look in men's fashion.. It's a, a puffy shirt. (Leslie mumbles to Kramer) Well, yeah, it - it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear. Elaine: Oh, a puffy shirt. Jerry: Puffy. Kramer: Yeah, see, I think people want to look like pirates. You know, it's the right time for it.. to be all puffy, and devil-may-care.. Kramer: (Still laughing) That's true.. (Gets up) I'll be right back. (Walks off laughing. Jerry and Elaine are left with the low-talker. A moment passes) Elaine: Uh, o... (Remembers something they could talk about) Jerry's going to be on the "Today" show on Friday. Jerry: Yeah, that's right! Elaine: Yep.. yep. Um, he's promoting a (pauses) benefit for Goodwill, you know, they, uh, they clothe the (clears her throat) poor, and the homeless.. Jerry: (Points at Elaine) And the indigent. Elaine: And the indigent, yeah.. I, I do volunteer work for them. I-I set the whole thing up, and I got Jerry to do it. Jerry: Sure. Elaine: Ohh, yeah. Yeah.. yep. Jerry: Uh-huh. Elaine: Yep. Jerry: Yep.. Elaine: Mmm [Setting: A Restaurant] Estelle: Maybe you should take a civil service test. George: (Studying the salt shaker) I'm not taking a civil service test. Frank: Look at this, George. (Takes a coin out of his pocket) You ever seen a silver dollar? George: Yes, I've seen a silver dollar. Elaine: Why don't you want to take a civil service test? George: To do what?! Work in a post office? Is that what you want me to do? Frank: Would you believe when I was 18, I had a ssssilver dollar collection? Estelle: I don't understand. You get job security - you get a pay check every week.. George: I'm a college graduate. You want me to be a mailman? Frank: (Still looking at his coin) You know, I couldn't bring myself to spend one of these. I got some kind of a-a-a-a-a phobia. Estelle: So what are you gonna do?! George: I don't know. I do know that I have some kind of a talent - something to offer. I just don't know what it is yet! Frank: I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today. (does a form of magic trick making the coin disappear as he shows George an empty hand) George: (Looks fed up with his parents) Oh my God.. Frank: I don't like this waiter. (Holds up his hand to get the waiters attention - starts snapping) Look at him.. He sees us.. he doesn't want to come over. George: (Needing to get away from his parents, he gets up) I need some air.. Estelle: George, where are you going?! George: (Walks off) I got a lot of thinking to do. George: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry.. (Bends down, and starts picking up her things) Woman: Look at what you've done! You spilled my bag! George: (Stuttering) I, I, I, .. here, let me - let me help you.. Woman: No, no ,no. It's all right. (Begins helping him pick her things up) George: It - it's just that I'm here with my parents, and my mother wants me to take a civil service test - and to tell you the truth, I don't even think I'd pass it.. So.. Woman: Hmm.. George: What? Woman: (Looking at both his hands intensely) Your hands. George: What about them? Woman: They're quite exquisite! George: They are? Woman: (Mesmerized) Extraordinary! Have you ever done any hand modeling? George: Hand modeling? (Shakes his head 'No') Woman: (Fishes a card out of her purse, then hands it to George) Here's my card. Why don't you, uh, give me a call? (Walks off) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Jerry: (Shrugs) I - I don't get it. George: Me neither! Jerry: What is it? George: I don't know. Jerry: They're hands! George: This woman just set me up for a job! Jerry: (Gets up, and displays his own hands) Well, what about my hands? I don't see how your hands are any better than my hands. George: What, are you kidding? (Points at the flaws of Jerry's hands) The knuckles are all out of proportion. you got hair over there - where do you get off comparing your hands to my hands?! This is a one-in-a-million hand. (Points to his own hand) Jerry: Well, that's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life. George: This is it! It happened to me, Jerry! I was sitting in the restaurant, the two nut jobs were talking - I couldn't take it any more. I got up, and (Makes a noise) I bop into this woman.. Jerry: It's just like in the movies. Kramer: Hey. (He's carrying a suit cover. He hangs it on Jerry's coat hooks) Jerry: Hey. Kramer: Hey, George! (Holds out his hand. George shakes it - a hand buzzer goes off. George starts freaking out. Kramer laughs) George: OH!!!! What are you, crazy?! Are you, crazy?! Kramer: What?! George: You coulda damaged my hand! Kramer: (Laughing) But, it's only a toy! Jerry: (Explaining) George has become a hand model. Kramer: A hand model? Jerry: Yes. Kramer: (To George) Really? Let me see your hands. George: (Defensively) You can look at them, but do NOT touch them. (Holds them out) Kramer: Let's see.. (studies them) oh, those are nice. You know, I've never noticed this before? They're smooth.. creamy.. delicate, yet (Turns to Jerry) masculine. George: (Takes two oven mitts from his back pack) Alright, (puts them on) I gotta get going. Jerry: Oven mitts? George: (Embarrassed) That's all I could find. (A moment passes) Would you mind getting the door? Kramer: Yeah.. Jerry: Alright. (Jerry opens the door for George) George: Thank you very much. (Walks out) Kramer: You're not going to believe what happening with Leslie. You know, ever since you agreed to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show, she's been getting all these orders from boutiques and department stores.. Jerry: Uh-huh.. (Finally realizes what Kramer said, he looks up) Since I said what? Kramer: Agreed to wear the puffy shirt. (Starts unzipping the suit cover) Jerry: What are you talking about? Kramer: When you said that you'd agree to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show. (Takes the ridiculous puffy shirt out of the cover) Jerry: (Goes up to it) This? Kramer: Yea. Jerry: I agreed to wear this?! Kramer: Yeah, yeah. Jerry: But, when did I do that? Kramer: When we went to dinner the other night. Jerry: What are you, crazy?! Kramer: What were you talking about when I went to the bathroom? Jerry: I don't know! I couldn't understand a word she was saying! I was just nodding! Kramer: (makes his pop sound) There you go. Jerry: Where I go? You mean she was asking me to wear this ridiculous shirt on national TV, and I said 'Yes'?! Kramer: Yes, yes! You said it! Jerry: But, I - I didn't know what she was talking about. I couldn't hear her! Kramer: (Takes it off the hook, and starts walking toward Jerry with it. He backs defensively backs away from it) Well, she asked you. Jerry: I - I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV! I mean, look at it! It looks ridiculous! Kramer: Well, you gotta wear it now! All those stores are stocking it based on the condition that you're gonna wear this on the TV show! The factory in New Jersey is already makin' em. Jerry: They're making these? Kramer: Yes, yes. This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, this-this is gonna be the new look for the 90's. You're gonna be the first pirate! Jerry: (Like a little kid) But, I don't want to be a pirate! [Setting: The Costanza house] Estelle: I knew it. I knew it.. I always knew you always had beautiful hands. I used to tell people. Frank, didn't I use to talk about his hands? Frank: (Looking up from his paper) Who the hell did'ya ever mention his hands to? Estelle: (Getting annoyed) I mentioned his hands to plenty of people! Frank: You never mentioned them to me! George: (Snaps, then points to the coffee table) Hand me an Emory board. Estelle: I always talk about your hands - how they're so soft and milky white.. Frank: No! You never said milky white! Estelle: (Getting angry) I said milky white! George: (To Estelle) Scissor. (She gets the scissors from the coffee table and hands them to George with the point facing him) Don't hand them to me with the point facing out! Estelle: I'm sorry. George: You're sorry?! Estelle: (Apologizing) I'll try to be more careful. George: (Stern, angered) I hope so. (Takes the scissors) Estelle: Georgie.. (Nudges George's arm, disrupting his work with the scissors) Oh, Georgie, would you like some Jell-O? Frank: (To Estelle, referring to the Jell-O) Why'd you put the bananas in there?! Estelle: (Yelling) George likes the bananas! Frank: (Trying to match her tone) So let him have bananas on the side! George: Alright! Please, please! I cannot have this constant bickering!.. Stress is very damaging to the epidermis! Now, I have an important photo session in the morning - my hands have got to be in tip-top shape, so please - keep the television down, and the conversation to a minimum. Estelle: (Meek) But Georgie.. what about the Jell-O? George: (Definite) I'll take it in my room. (Walks off) [Setting: A Today Show dressing room] Kramer: Yeah, come in. Stagehand: I just wanted to let you know he's got about five minutes. Kramer: Giddy-Up. (Stagehand leaves) Jerry! Five minutes! Kramer: Now that's a great looking shirt! (Gets up, admiring the shirt) Aye Captain! (Growls like a pirate) Yeah! I'm glad I ironed it. It's perfect. (Walks around Jerry, inspecting the shirt) Look at it! It's fantastic! Jerry: (Resisting) Kramer, how am I gonna wear this?! I-I can't wear this! Kramer: (Reassuring) Hey, this look's better than anything you own. You know, in two months time, everybody's gonna be wearing the (imitates a pirate) pirate look! Kramer: Yeah. Elaine: Hi, Kramer. Guess what - I just saw Bryant Gumbel, he said he might help out at the benefit! Kramer: Great. Elaine: (Between laughs) What is that?! Kramer: It's the puffy shirt. Look at it, eh? Whatd'ya think? Is it cool or what? Elaine: (To Jerry) Why're you wearing that now? Jerry: (Obviously mad at the situation he's in) 'Why am I wearing is now?? I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now - because the lowtalker asked me to, that's why! And I said 'yes'. Do you know why? Because I couldn't HEAR her! Elaine: When did she, (Snickers) when did she ask you this? Jerry: When we were at dinner, when Kramer went to the bathroom. Elaine: I didn't hear anything. Jerry: (Yelling out) Of course not! Nobody hears anything when this woman speaks! Elaine: (Just now making the matter serious) Well, you can't wear that on the show. Kramer: (To Elaine, muffled, low, and threatening) Elaine, you want to stop? Elaine: (Turning around to Kramer) Wha- What? No. (Back to Jerry) Jerry, you are promoting a benefit to CLOTHE homeless people. You can't come out dressed like that! You're all puffed up!.. You look like the Count of Monte Cristo! Jerry: (Arms out, complaining) I have to wear it! The woman has orders for this shirt based on me wearing it on TV.. they're producing them as we speak! Elaine: (Arguing) Yeah, but you're supposed to be a compassionate person! That cares about poor people! You look like you're gonna.. swing in on a chandelier! Stagehand: (Looking down at a clipboard, enters) Okay, let's go. (Looks up, points at Jerry's puffy shirt) Is that what you're wearing? [Setting: A photographer's studio] Man: I've never seen hands like these before.. Woman: They're so soft and milky white. Photographer: You know who's hands they remind me of? (Pauses for effect) Ray McKigney. Man: Ugh.. Ray. Photographer: He was it. George: Who was he? Photographer: The most exquisite hands you've ever seen.. Oh, he had it all. George: (Hands still out, even though they've stopped looking at them) What happened to him? Man: (Clears throat) Tragic story, I'm afraid. He could've had any woman in the world.. but none could match the beauty of his own hand.. and that became his one true love.. George: You mean, uh..? Man: Yes. he was not.. master of his domain. George: (Makes a gesture saying he understands. The man nods) But how.. uh..? Man: (Quick, to the point) The muscles.. became so strained with.. overuse, that eventually the hand locked into a deformed position, and he was left with nothing but a claw. (Holds hand up, displaying a claw-like shape) He traveled the world seeking a cure.. acupuncturists.. herbalists.. swamis.. nothing helped. Towards the end, his hands became so frozen the was unable to manipulate utensils, (Visibly disgusted by this last part) and was dependent on Cub Scouts to feed him. I hadn't seen another pair of hands like Ray McKigney's until today. You are his successor. (George looks down at his hands) I uh only hope you have a little more self-control. George: (Smiling to himself) You don't have to worry about me. (Nodding, gloating) I won a contest. Photographer: Ok, let's get to work. [Setting: The Today Show] Bryant: (Talking directly to the camera) Back now, 746. On Tuesday the 19th here in New York there will be a benefit for the Goodwill Industries - a used clothing organization that provides services to the needy. One of the performers will be comedian Jerry Seinfeld. (Turns to face Jerry) Jerry, good morning. Jerry: (Mumbling out) Thank you, Bryant. Bryant: (Pointing out) And speaking of clothing, that is a very, very unusual shirt you have on. Jerry: (Looking down at the shirt; mumbling) Oh, thank you. Bryant: You're all kinda, (Waves his hands around) kinda "puffed up". (Chuckles) Jerry: Yeah, it's a puffy shirt. Bryant: (Laughing) You look kinda like a pirate. Jerry: (Nervous laughter) Yeah.. like a pirate.. (Attempting to get on another subject) Anyway, ah, you know, we're hoping to, um, raise enough money.. with this.. uh.. Bryant: (Rudely interrupting, still snickering at the shirt) You.. ah, look, I'm sorry, it is just a VERY unusual shirt. It could be kind of a whole new look for you.. you know, you could put a patch over an eye, you could be kind of like the pirate-comedian. Jerry: Uh-huh, yeah. (Smiling, nodding, clearly wanting Bryant to shut up) Bryant: Are you going to be wearing the shirt at the concert? Jerry: (Losing it, mad) Look, it's not my shirt. Bryant: (Confused) Whose shirt is it? Jerry: What's the difference? I agreed to wear it. It's - it's a puffy shirt. I feel ridiculous in it, and I think it's the stupidest shirt I've ever seen, to be perfectly honest with you. (Nodding) Leslie: (Off camera, shrill, high pitched yelling) You bastard! Bryant: (To Jerry) Did you hear that? Jerry: (Pointing off screen, nodding) THAT I heard. [Setting: Photographer's studio] Photographer: (Instructing George) Alright, a little to the left.. Little higher, little higher. Good. Perfect! Perfect. George: Like that? Photographer: Just like that. Hold it. (Takes picture) Good, ok, let me get just one more, one more. (Takes another picture) Good, that's it. You're done. George: That's it? Photographer: (Smiling) That's it. Man: (Pulling a slip of paper out of his coat pocket) And here's your check. (George accepts) Thank you very much. (Pats him on the back) It was an honor. Woman: It was great working with you. (Somewhat coy) Your hands are beautiful. George: (Modest) Oh, thank you very much. (Chuckles) Woman: You know, I was wondering - if you're not doing anything later, maybe you'd like to get together..? [Setting: Park] [Setting: Today Show dressing room] Leslie: You ruined me! You ruined my career! Jerry: Oh, just keep your voice down. Everyone can hear you. Leslie: (Shouting out) Oh, I don't give a damn! Jerry: (Reasoning) You know, if you talked this loud to begin with, I wouldn't be in this costume in the first place! George: (Quick, excited talking) Hey, hey! You can't believe this. Look at this check! (Hands it to Jerry) They told me I had the most beautiful hands they'd ever seen in their lives - except for this McKigney guy - this great looking girl gave me her phone number.. I got it! I got it all! I'm busting. Jerry, I'm busting! Elaine: Hey, I've never noticed your hands before. Let me see. George: Alright. (Holds them up) Elaine: (Obviously not impressed, dull) Yeah, real nice. George: (Turning back to Jerry, he takes the check back. He just now notices the shirt Jerry's wearing, and snickers, pointing) Nice shirt.. (Laughs, Jerry shrugs) What is this? Is this what you wore on the show? Jerry: Yeah. George: What, have you completely lost your mind? Kramer: (Faint, trying to shut George up) Hey.. George: Who's dressing you? (Laughs) You look like a complete idiot! You know, I wouldn't wipe my- (Unable to take anymore, Leslie gets up and shoves George violently. His hands go straight for the hot iron sitting on the dressing room table. George screams out in agony) AAHHHH!!!!! (his voice is heard outside the building, on the street, and in the park were a bunch of pigeons are scared by the yelling) [Setting: A Restaurant] Elaine: You ready? George: Ow! Hot! Hot! Elaine: (Sincere) I'm sorry. George: (Reflecting on his life gone wrong) This McKigney guy had a few good years.. (To Kramer, bitter) How could you forget to turn off an iron? Kramer: Well, I was excited because Jerry was putting on the puffy shirt. George: My whole life is ruined because of the (Mocking, bitter tone) "puffy shirt". Jerry: (Pointing out) It didn't do me any good either! That benefit was the worst show I ever did. Some of those heckles were really uncalled for "Avast ye matey" - what the hell does that mean?! "20 degrees off the starboard side - the Spanish Galleon!" - there's no comeback for that! Elaine: (Reflecting) Well, it got me fired from the benefit committee. Kramer: You know all those stores canceled out on her? She's finished. (Concluding) We're (Leslie and him) finished. Jerry: Really? What happened? Kramer: (Showing pure irony) I just can't be with someone who's life is in complete disarray. Jerry: What happened with all the shirts? Kramer: They gave them all to Goodwill. Homeless Man: Ahh, can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer? Jerry: (While digging in his pocket for some money, he looks over the shirts one last time) You know, it's really not a bad looking shirt..

Elaine: Do you ever spit on anybody from here? Jerry: No. You? Elaine: No. Do you ever think about it? Jerry: Yeah. Elaine: Me too. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Hey. Kramer: Well I got it! Jerry: You got me the air conditioner? Kramer: What do you think? Jerry: Beautiful! Elaine: What air conditioner? Kramer: Well my buddy works in an appliance store and he got us thirty percent off. Jerry: Is it a good one? Kramer: Good one? It's the Commando 8. Jerry: Commando 8? Kramer: 12,000 BTU's. Elaine: I thought you hated air conditioning. You've never had an air conditioner. Kramer: Yeah, but Amy likes air conditioning. Elaine: Oooh, you're getting an air conditioner for Amy. (In a wining voice) Amy doesn't like the temperature up here. She's a little hoooot. Jerry: All right. Kramer: Okay, so, I'm gonna measure the window up, okay buddy? Jerry: Yeah. Kramer: Yeah. (George enters the apartment wearing goggles) Yeah, rock on! George: I gotta get out of this city. Jerry: So you're tunneling to the center of the Earth? (Elaine laughs silently) George: I'm at the health club and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses? Elaine: You don't have an old pair? George: I broke 'em playing basketball. Jerry: He was running from a bee. (Elaine laughs) George: Now if I wanna see anything I gotta wear these. Elaine: George, those are prescription goggles? What is there to see in a health club pool? Jerry: There's a lot of change down there. George: When I find that guy, this much I vow those glasses will be returned to their rightful owner. Jerry: We're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed! George: What kind of a sick, demented person wants another person's glasses? Elaine: Yeah, especially those frames. Kramer: You know what you ought to do? Go see my friend Dwayne at J & T Optical on Columbus Avenue. He'll give you thirty percent off. George: Yeah, come on. Jerry: Hey, he just got me thirty percent off on an air conditioner. George: Really? Kramer: Retail is for suckers. George: Wow. Uh, what do I have to do? Kramer: You just gotta mention my name. George: That's it? Kramer: That's it. (smacks George on the forehead with a ruler) George: What about these? Elaine: They look good. I liked the other one too. I've liked about five of them. George: Well, it's a tough decision. I have to wear these every day. I'm deciding on a new face. Jerry: (bored) Come on, George. Pick a face and go with it. Elaine: Now those look good, they're very bold. George: Yes, they are bold. Jerry, what do you think? Jerry: (While looking at posters of women wearing glasses) I think these women would be pretty good looking if they weren't wearing glasses. Elaine: Hi there, little doggy. (to owner) Do you mind if I pet your dog? Dog Owner: It's okay with me. Elaine: Hey little doggy. (Elaine pets the dog and he bites her) Aaah! Dwayne: Hey, you can't have that dog in here. Jerry: Are you okay? Did he bite ya? George: Can you believe that guy? Elaine: I'm okay, it's just a nip. George: He just walked away! And once again I'm standing here like a little man. Well not this time! (George leaves the store and follows the dog owner) You! Dog man! Elaine: My leg looks pretty bad. Jerry: Oh I'm gonna take you over to the emergency room. Elaine: Okay. Jerry: (To George) Hey, any luck? Did you catch 'em? George: Uuh, no, no. Jerry: All right, I'm gonna take Elaine over to the hospital. George: (In a really strange way) Good, good, do that. Jerry: What's the matter? George: Oh, no, nothing. Jerry: What is it? George: I can't tell you. Elaine: (pulling on Jerry's pants from the ground) Jerry, can we go? Jerry: Yeah, yeah, in a second, in a second. (And to George) What do you mean you can't tell me? George: I can't tell you, don't ask. Jerry: I'm asking! Elaine: Jerry, my leg. Jerry: Yeah, yeah, take care of it. (Jerry throws her some toilet paper) Come on, George, what is it? George: I saw Amy making out with your cousin Jeffrey. Jerry: What? George: They were right outside! Jerry: Amy and Jeffrey? George: Yes! Jerry: Are you sure? George: Yes, positive. Jerry: But you can't see, there's no lenses in those frames. George: I know! I was squinting. Elaine: Okay, listen, Jerry, you just catch up with me okay? You can just follow the trail of blood. Jerry: We're gonna have to talk about this later. (Elaine holds the door open for Jerry while holding her leg) Thank you. Taxi! George: (To the store owner) Excuse me, what do you think of these? Dwayne: Oh, we just got those in. It's a very exciting new frame. George: Yes, it is exciting! All right, this is gonna be my new face. Dwayne: All right, do you have a prescription? George: Yeah. (George hands over the prescription) Kramer... Dwayne: What? George: Kramer... Dwayne: What about him? George: You do know Kramer? Dwayne: Yes... George: Well, I'm mentioning his name. Dwayne: Why? George: Because... you know... Dwayne: No, I don't know. Look, I'm gonna need a deposit on these. Elaine: Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey? It's not possible! Jerry: Why not? They could have met. She loves the park, he works for the Parks Department. Elaine: Jerry, that is so ridiculous. But, George didn't even have his glasses on! Jerry: But he was squinting. Elaine: So what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference. Jerry: Are you kidding? I've seen 'em squint. He can squint his way down to like twenty, thirty vision. Once we were driving down from the Catskills and he lost his glasses. He squinted his way from Wortsborough down to the Tappan Zee Bridge! He was spotting raccoons, on the road! Docter: Okay. Elaine: Okay? That's it? I don't need a shot? Docter: Not shot, dog bite. Elaine: No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot? Docter: Not shot, dog bite. Woof woof, not bang bang. Jerry: Nah, look at this. Cable's out. Amy: Oh that's okay, we don't have to watch tv. Jerry: No, no, no. No trouble at all, it's a principal the thing. (Jerry picks up the phone and dials the number) I like them to know that I know what's going on. That they're not... getting away with anything. Oh, I'm on hold. So, what did you do yesterday? Amy: Yesterday? Jerry: Yeah, you remember yesterday? Beautiful day... good day to be... out. Amy: I didn't do anything. Jerry: (laughing) Oh you must have done something. Amy: No, nothing really. Jerry: Didn't go out of the house? Didn't take a walk... on Columbus Avenue? Amy: Well, I did go out for a little while. Jerry: Well, your day's getting more interesting already. (Jerry shows the phone) Ah, see, told me they'd be back in a minute and THEY lied. Amy: You can't thrust anyone. Jerry: No you can't. (hangs up the phone) Now let's cut the ball, sister! You think I don't know about you swapping spit with somebody yesterday on Columbus Avenue? Amy: What are you talking about? Jerry: Look, my friend saw you. Amy: Saw me? With who? Jerry: You tell me. Amy: There's nothing to tell. Jerry: There isn't? Amy: No. Jerry: Oh... all right... wanna get some pizza? Amy: I had a feeling this was to good to be true. Jerry: Why? Amy: I knew there had to be another side to you. Jerry: No, no, there's no side! Amy: There is a side, an ugly side. Jerry: No, no, no ugly side. Amy: Look, I think I'm gonna go. Jerry: Why? Amy: It's really hot in here. Jerry: Uuh, so we can still go out on Friday though? Amy: Yeah. When you getting an air conditioner? Jerry: It's coming! It's a Commando 8! 12.000 BTU's! It's gonna be like a meat locker in here. Jerry: I was an idiot for listening to you! George: Hey, I saw what I saw. Jerry: Ooh, everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she sees a side. George: What side? Jerry: A bad side, an ugly side. George: Ooh, so what? Jerry: So what? I wasn't planning on showing that side for another six months. Now you make me throw off the whole learning curve. George: Why don't you just ask Jeffrey? Jerry: Ah, he'd just deny it. George: There must be some way to find out. Jerry: Amy said nothing happened. George: What, you're gonna take her word over mine? I'm your best friend! Jerry: Yeah, but you're blind as a bat! George: I was squinting! Remember that drive from Wortsborough? (snapping his fingers) I was spotting those raccoons. Jerry: They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you. George: (noticing something) Hey look, a dime. George: Heh, Mercury head. You mind? Jerry: (Stunned) No, keep it. (Elaine enters the apartment) Hey what happened to you? You buzzed five minutes ago. Elaine: There was a dog in front of the building and it spooked me. I couldn't come in until he left. Jerry: A little white dog? Elaine: Yeah. Jerry: Snowball? You were afraid of Snowball? Elaine: I'm afraid of dogs now. Jerry: He's like a squirrel. Elaine: Well he frightened me. George: Did you get the shot? Elaine: No. He said I didn't need a shot. George: You got bit by a strange dog and you didn't get a rabies shot? Elaine: What, you think I should have? Jerry: You know, you should just go back to the optical store and ask Dwayne if he knows the name of the owner of the dog. Elaine: All right, that's a good idea. I'm gonna do that. Kramer: The AC is on it's way. George: Pardon me, I went to see your friend Dwayne... there was no discount. Kramer: What? George: That's right, no discount! Kramer: Well did you mention my name? George: Yes, I mentioned your name. Kramer: And? George: Pbbbs, Bubkis! Kramer: Now I don't believe this. That guy owes me big time. I got him off sugar! Look, I'm gonna go down there with you right now. George: All right, let me just... I'm gonna grap an apple. Jerry: Hey, Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball! Kramer: Little Snowball? He runs on batteries! Elaine: You know, George, that's an onion. George: Yes it is. Elaine: He couldn't tell an apple from an union and he's your eye witness? George: I saw them making out, you can believe it. Jerry: I don't know what to believe! You're eating unions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on. Kramer: Look, all you gotta to do, is get Amy and Jeffrey together somewhere, that's it. Jerry: Hey wait a second, wait a second. I'm going over to Jeffrey's apartment tomorrow night to pick up these Paul Simon tickets. I'm gonna surprise Amy. All I gotta do is bring her with me. And then when Jeffrey opens the door, it's Howdy Doody time. Kramer: Right this way, mister Doody! George: (crying from the onion) You'll see I'm right. Kramer: Hey, Dwayny. Dwayne: Oh hello Kramer. Kramer: What is going on here? Dwayne: What are you talking about? Kramer: I'm talking about the thirty percent discount. Elaine: Uhm excuse me... uh... a man came in here... George: Elaine, don't interrupt, they're discounting something. Dwayne: Who said anything about a discount. Kramer: Ooh, how quickly we forget. You owe me buddy. Dwayne: For what? Kramer: Remember this? Dwayne: What are you doing? Kramer: Six months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast and chasing it with a ring ding. And two butter fingers on the train. Sounds familiar? Dwayne: Put that away! Kramer: Remember that night I found you at Dinky Donuts? You were all *hopped* up on cinnamon swirls! They wouldn't serve you anymore! You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's fruit stand and stuffin' cantaloupe down your throat! So much for gratitude... yeah, yeah, yeah! Dwayne: All right, all right, all right! I'll give him the discount, just put that thing away! This squares us. Elaine: Can I just have the name... Dwayne: Out! Kramer: We'll see you Dwayne. Jerry: I don't know what to tell you, Elton. Elaine: (While reading a book) Oh oh, listen to this, this is not good, listen to these symptoms for rabies anxiety, irritability. I got those, I'm irritable! Jerry: (To George) Who picked these out? George: I did! Jerry: They're ladies' glasses! You know all you need is that little chain around your neck so you can wear 'em while you're playing Canasta. George: Well Elaine was supposed to help me. Elaine: Hey! I got bit by a dog! I had to go to the hospital! I was bleeding to death! I can't solve every little problem you have! Jerry: Hey, hey. Elaine: I'm sorry... sorry. Kramer: Commando 8 has arrived! Jerry: Take it to the window. Kramer: 12.000 BTU's of raw cooling power. (Kramer places the air conditioner in the window) Installed! George: That's it? You don't have to screw it in or anything? Kramer: No, just plug it in and the Commando 8 does the rest. (And to Jerry) I'll seal that up later, right? Jerry: Just in time for Amy. George: Oh yeah, when are you gonna execute that plan? Elaine: I've got such a headache. Oh, that's another symptom! Kramer: Of what? Jerry: Rabies. Kramer: Oh that's fatal, you don't want that! Elaine: I know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid hipster dufus! Jerry: Hey, hey, what is this? What's going on here? Elaine: I'm sorry, Kramer, I'm sorry. Kramer: No, no, it's all right. I had a friend who had rabies once. (George's eating chips) May I have one of those, madam? George: Madam? What are you calling me madam for? Kramer: They're ladies' glasses. Kramer: Now look here, see it's right here Gloria Vanderbilt Collection. George: He sold me ladies' glasses! Elaine: I... I think I'm... I'm having trouble swallowing. I can't... I can't swallow. Kramer: She's got rabies, just like my friend Bob Sacamano. She's delirious. (Elaine drinks some water and drools) She's foaming at the mouth! Elaine: Is this gonna hurt? Docter: Yes, very much. Elaine: What if Jeffrey's not home. Did you ever think of that? Jerry: Oh he'll be home, it's Friday night. That's the big night on the Nature Channel. Elaine: Let me tell you this there is no way cousin Jeffrey is dating Amy. He looks like a horse! Jerry: He does look like a horse. Elaine: Yeah, he's got a real horse face. (Elaine, while looking out the window) Here, look at this! It's the guy with the dog! (She opens the window and screams) Hey! Hey! You down there! Remember me? I had to get shot because of your stupid dog! Dog Owner: Hey who are you calling stupid? Jerry: Hey, shall we spit on him? Elaine: No no no no, come on, let's go downstairs. Kramer: (Singing) Oh myyyy papayaaaa. (The air conditioner wobbles) The air conditioner! (Kramer tries to keep it from falling by holding it's cord, but it snaps) I think it got the dog! George: Ah, Oh boy. Blind Man: Excuse me, uh I'm new here, would you mind walking me back to my locker? George: Oh uuh, sure, why not. (the blind man hangs on to George's arm) Hey, that's the guy. Blind Man: What guy? George: The guy that stole my glasses. This time I got 'em! (George follows the man onto the street, dragging the blind man with him) Would you pick it up a little? Blind Man: Where the hell are we going? George: He's getting on a bus, damn! (To the blind man) Those are nice glasses. Blind Man: I don't like 'em, they pinch my nose. George: Is that right? George: Dwayne, my friend and I would like to exchange frames. Could you put his lenses in my frames and mine in his? Dwayne: (While eating a candy bar) Yeah, we can do that. George: And I'd like a discount. Dwayne: Why should I give you a discount. George: Listen, you're lucking I'm not asking for a whole refund. (trying to speak quietly) You gave me ladies' frames! Blind Man: What's that about ladies' frames? Dog Owner: I'm trying to track down that lady that was in here the other day, the one that was messing with my dog. George: Yeah, well, she's trying to track you down. Dog Owner: Well I would love to talk with her. (George chuckles) She lives on 81st Street, right? George: No, that's Jerry. Dog Owner: Really? You wouldn't happen to know what apartment he's in, would you? George: Yeah, 5A! Dog Owner: Thanks a lot! Amy: So what are we doing here? Jerry: Oh, you'll find out. Amy: I don't know, you're acting very mysteriously. Jerry: Well, I'm very mysterious by nature. (Jerry knocks on the door) A lot of women find that attractive. Amy: I find it annoying. Jerry: Oh? Uncle Leo: Helloooo! Jerry: Uncle Leo?! Uncle Leo: Come on in. Jerry: This is Amy. Uncle Leo: Hello Amy. Jerry: Unlce Leo, what are you doing here? Uncle Leo: Jeffrey went out tonight. Jerry: Ooh! Very convenient. Uncle Leo: I'm supposed to tape this nature show for him, he loves nature. Botany, zoology. You know his botany teacher from college stays in close touch with him? They became friends! Jerry: Oh really? Uncle Leo: That's pretty rare! I mean, actual friends! Like equals! They have dinner together, they have discussions... Jerry: Uncle Leo! Did he leave any tickets here for me? Uncle Leo: Oh yeah yeah, I'll get 'em. Jerry: Thank you. Amy: What tickets? Jerry: To the Paul Simon concert in the park! Amy: We're going to the Paul Simon concert? Jerry: That's right, lady! Amy: Oh what a great surprise! Jerry: I thought you'd like that. Amy: Oooh, so that's why you've been acting so mysteriously. Jerry: Now you know. That, and that alone, is the reason. Uncle Leo: You know Jeffrey's favorite animal the leopard. Amy: Why is that? Uncle Leo: He likes the spots. Oh uh, here's the tickets. Jerry: Thank you. Uncle Leo: Oh uh, he asked me to give you a message. He said that uh he's very sorry and uh he hopes you'll forgive 'em. Jerry: (To Amy) Aha! So it's true! You were making out with him! Amy: What are you talking about, I don't know Jeffrey. Oh so this is why you brought me up here? Jerry: Oh very convincing, but it's not gonna work this time. Uncle Leo: What are you talking about? All he meant was that he was sorry that the seats aren't very good. Jerry: Oh... oh... wanna get some pizza? George: Boy, these really do pinch the nose. Blind Man: Tough luck! A deal's a deal. George: Oh my God it is them. Jerry: I still don't know how you spotted that dime. I think you planted it. Plus I had to pay that vet bill for the stupid dog. I don't know how that guy got my name. George: Yeah. Hmm. Boy these really do pinch. I tell you, if I ever find the son of a bitch that stole my glasses...