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I've been with him for a couple months. We will talk everyday and he will get mad over something I will say and not talk to me. We have our great moments, but I just need to focus on my personal situations, and I feel he is slowing me down with that. I still wanna be with him, but not now.

It sounds like you're pulling away instead of being honest. If you really want to be with him, why not now? If you don't have time for a relationship, why are you dating at all? I don't understand the whole "phasing out" thing that people do these days (or "ghosting", where you just stop talking and disappear!). I get the sense that this relationship isn't working for you, but for some reason you're stopping yourself from being honest with yourself and him and just ending it. In the early stage of a relationship (the first year), if it doesn't feel fabulous, it's a good idea to move on. It's not personal. You don't owe this person anything. They deserve someone who's totally into them (and so do you) and you're doing him no favors by hanging on to something that's not amazing or giving him hope that it might work better in the future sometime. You don't have to slowly bow out. It actually creates more hurt than gentle honesty. Maybe people don't know how to say it? "I've decided not to continue with this. I wish you the best."  Life is too short!

I am a female, and I am afraid of having intercourse. I am afraid of disappointing my partner by being inexperienced. I think he thinks I'm not a virgin. I am also scared that he will be disappointed with my naked body. I don't want my partner to think differently of me because I am afraid of having intercourse.

These fears are completely normal. Almost everyone has the same fears you do, to some degree, especially if they lack experience. Men also feel far more of these fears than you realize. That can help...to remember that we're all a little scared and looking for safety and approval. You mention a partner, but I'm not sure if you currently have one. Having a partner you can trust with your fears and who you feel safe with is so important. When you're really confident someone cares deeply for you, this can help the fears to go away or diminish.  How well do you know your own body? Getting to know how you like to be touched and how different touches feel...getting acquainted with your body yourself first...this can help build intercourseual confidence.  In general, our partners care less about our fat and wrinkles than they care about how we make them feel in bed. Being a generous lover who is confident enough to put fear aside...ironically this is what makes you "good in bed". But be patient with yourself. Your confidence will grow with experience, and that doesn't have to happen until you are ready. There's not rush. :)

I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child.

Anger is a normal emotion, no different than joy, elation, or sadness. It's not anger that gets us in trouble it's the overtness of the emotion or how we allow it to manifest that gets us in trouble. Being able to control your temper depends on several variables: how you saw anger acted out as a child in terms of your primary caregivers and what you internalized as being normal in terms of managing conflict, and your communication style regarding how you confront problematic situations. There are some whose anger takes on a volcano effect whereby they don't readily address problematic situations but rather they continue to stuff their emotion until the right trigger causes them them to explode, and then there are those who are very impulsive in terms of how they react to stressful situations, they don't take time to think out situations or to make sense of them, they just impulsively respond. I would encourage you to seek anger management from a therapist who utilizes a Cognitive Behavioral approach in order that you may explore how your irrational thinking related to certain situations may be influencing your problematic behavior. In addition, I would encourage you to engage in activities that promote stress reduction if your blowups are indeed related to being overly stressed. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem that you need help in understanding and addressing, which you have, now take the next step in finding a therapist in order that you may learn to control your temper and undo some faulty wiring that may be related to how you process emotion, and communicate that you're angry. Remember, anger is the overt expression of some other emotion (i.e., disappointment, hurt, frustration, etc..) Hope this helps...

He isn't violent, but he has anger issues and deep insecurities. He's working on them and has improved. We started counseling, and he participated in one or two individual sessions, but we broke up again shortly thereafter. Now his constant questions and accusations are getting really draining.

Hello and thank you for your question. I worked for a number of years with people who have been both abused in their relationships and those who have been abusive. Being involved in a relationship with a partner who does the behaviors you describe can be incredibly difficult, and many would argue is even harder than overcoming actual physical violence. I was a little confused about whether you're are still broken up with this person or if you are still thinking about it. I am going to assume you are still undecided. Some of the things you are describing sound like emotional abuse. Even without physical abuse, being emotionally abused can still be traumatizing. When partners question and accuse, they are often trying to exercise power and control over their partners by hurting them with unfounded accusations.  The accusations serve to make someone feel guilty and to manipulate them. For example, if your partner accuses you of cheating when you go out bowling with friends, you may elect not to go bowling just to satisfy your partner and prevent a fight from occurring. The person being accused or questioned often tries to prove over and over again that they have done nothing wrong, but it doesn't matter. And that brings me to the point of what some people who experience these behaviors do in order to start feeling like they have some power again. Here are just a few things: 1. They realize there is no right answer. Trying to be logical with someone who doesn't want to be logical doesn't work. Many people simply stop trying to defend themselves against false accusations because there was no answer that would satisfy their partner anyway. In addition, the rules of the relationship seem to change on a daily basis, and what may be okay with your partner one day may make them angry the next. And this can leave people constantly feeling like they are on eggshells.   2. The find support. Finding a support group or a group of people who remind you on a daily basis that you are a decent person is always a good idea. One of the things that can happen when we are with someone who does emotionally abusive things is begin to have a negative concept of ourselves. Surrounding yourself with people who remind you that you are a good person is a great idea. 3. They reinvest in themselves. Try to find some time for yourself. This couldn't possibly sound more cliché, but it is actually true. Whether that is taking up a new hobby or doing an old one. One thing that can happen when emotional abuse takes place in a relationship is the person being abused can begin to isolate and not do the things that make them enjoy life. Taking some time for the self can sometimes bring things into perspective. I don't know if you are still in counseling, but if you are and you are getting what you need then that is great. If not, there are others you can try. It's important to find the right fit. As for the question of whether or not you should leave your partner, that is a question that can only be answered by you. But you could ask yourself some questions  like these to help you decide: 1. What are some of my values about relationships? Do I want Trust? Honesty? Ask yourself if you have these things in your relationship. 2. Do I feel like this relationship brings out the best in me, or does it seem to bring me down? 3. If I want to stay in this relationship, what are some specific things that need to change? Hope some of these suggestions help. Good luck to you. Be well. Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

I think I have depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and I have anger issues. I told my mom over and over again. She told me she would get me a therapist, but she never did. I just found out that my mom can't afford a therapist for me.

It can be difficult to get counseling if you don't feel supported by family members.  There might be a few options.  If you are in school, I'd recommend talking to a school counselor or school nurse.  They often will be able to help you access free or affordable counseling resources in your community.  In addition, depending on where you live, it's also often possible to call 211 for referrals to free or low cost counseling services in your area. I'd encourage you not to give up. You are on the right track. 

I have a relative who is in his twenties. He was in a drug rehabilitation program and got kicked out for using drugs again. No one informed family that he was using drugs again. He subsequently overdosed and was found dead. Is their accountability of counselors, therapists or the halfway house for not reporting that he had relapsed? Is there a legal case for failing to report?

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.  This sounds like a really difficult situation for the whole family.  Since the answer to this question will depend a lot on the applicable state laws, I would suggest talking with a local attorney.  That being said, I see two competing issues here.  On the one side is the duty of confidentiality the counselors owed to your relative.  On the other side is the duty the counselors had to act reasonably to protect your relative from harm.  Generally there is not a requiremt for substance abuse treatment centers to notify family members if an adult client relapses. A local attorney will be able to provide more specific guidance on the legal obligtions and liabilities in this situation.

My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.

Hello! Thank you for your question. I have a worked with many people who have become addicted to benzodiazepines, like Clonazepam. It is a difficult road for people who are trying to become clean. It is also a very difficult road for those who love the person and are trying to be supportive. During those times, it is important to remember to take care of yourself, too. As for taking your friend's pills, my concern would be the legal ramifications that you could face should you ever be caught with someone else's prescription medication, and especially these types of medications. Our laws have become much more strict surrounding prescription drug sales and possession due to the increase in prescription drug abuse. In addition, people who are in active addiction are likely to find some other means to get their drug, so it would do little to help the overall problem. I don't know about your friend's family situation, but they may be a better route to take if you are concerned about your friend. They may already be involved, but with your help you may be able to convince your friend to go to treatment willingly. That is usually better. In many states, there are also involuntary committal processes where a person's family may be able to convince a court to force the person into treatment. This varies from state to state. If your friend's family is not aware of this option, it may be something to look into. It usually does take a relative, or a medical provider, to begin this process if it is available. I hope this was helpful, and I wish you and your friend well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

He isn't violent, but he has anger issues and deep insecurities. He's working on them and has improved. We started counseling, and he participated in one or two individual sessions, but we broke up again shortly thereafter. Now his constant questions and accusations are getting really draining.

Sometimes relationships just do not work.  Don't feel that the first, second, or even third relationship is the relationship you are suppose to be in for life.   The one that is meant for you will require work but should be be draining and a constant roller coaster of breaking up.  It is good you all went to counseling, but one or two sessions may not be enough to make and see a change in behavior.  It takes times and it takes both working toward the same goal.  I would suggest doing you...meaning focusing on your own growth at the time.  If he wants to grow with you, he will make the necessary steps.  If he doesn't...wish him well.

I have had a crush on this guy for years. I last talked to him a few years ago when we graduated from high school. We left off on a good note. Should I message him and see how he is doing, or is it too late?

It's never to late to let a person know how you feel.  You never know where it will take you.  You don't want to hold this regret of not letting your feelings known and wondering "what if" for the rest of your life.   That can be torturous.   Now prepare for whatever..if his feelings are the same or if they are not.  If they are the same...great.  If they are not, feel good that at least you let a person know they hold a special place in your life and wish him love, peace and happiness in his life. 

I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.

Take one day at a time!!!  Each day do things that make you happy, moves to a positive place, focusing on the future, give you a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment.  Journal at the end of the day of how well you did that day in focusing on these things.  Each day should be a step better than the previous day.  You will have days that you didn't do as well....that is human and OK.  Just get back on track the next day.... At the end of the week, review how well you did and give your self a grade.  If did well, you deserve ice cream, etc.  If not so good, OK....tell yourself next week "got to focus one day at a time".  You can do it....it takes practice but will get better each day,  I wish you happy days and happy future...

I love him, but he doesn't show me love. He talks badly about me to his friends.

So many questions comes to mind when I read your words...Do you love yourself?  What do you LOVE about him?  What are you getting from this relationship that is good for you?  What are you lacking in yourself that you allow yourself to be treated this way?....I can go on.. If you can answer these questions, maybe you will answer your own question of WHY are you with your husband or even better, WHY you ALLOW your husband to be mean, show no love, disrespect you?  You seem to lack self-worth...seek a professional to help you with this.

My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.

First of all, where did you find the pills? Did you have to go into her private space or things to find them? If so, you might want to do some research on codependency. I recommend the book "The Everything Guide to Codependency." You can find it here: https://www.amazon.ca/The-Everything-Guide-Codependency-codependent/dp/1440573905 . It's not honest to go searching through someone's things. You dislike the deceit in her, so why model it in yourself? If the pills were just left out, that's a different story. Again though, model honesty. Talk to about what you found. Avoid being accusitory. A good old "I found these...what's going on with this?" might be a good place to start. Tell her how it makes you feel. Have you ever heard of "I statements?" Google this....you will find a lot of good templates on how to frame this conversation.  At the end of the day though, these are her choices. Not yours. All you can do is tell her how you feel, make a few gentle suggestions, and get back to taking care of you. If it gets to the point where seeing her downward spiral is too much for you, let her know this and tell her you can no longer be involved, for the sake of your own health and sanity.  There is nothing wrong with trying to help, but ask yourself, are you really being helpful? If you are starting to feel resentful, know that you have crossed the line into codependency and back away. Hope this helps and all the best, Aleisha

Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.

Forgiveness takes time. You know what you did, and by the sounds of it you are not impressed with yourself. In my mind, this is a sign that you are a good person. You recognize that you did something that crossed your own moral code. You could have just done this thing and not felt anything - but you do feel. And that is OK. It's not supposed to feel good when you do something wrong. Be patient with yourself. These things can take time. I suspect that you will be one of those people who slowly let go of their shame and guilt. The trick is to feel the pain but to not ignore/detach from the life that you are living right now. Don't deprive yourself of the opportunity to feel joy again. 

My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.

Your good intentions to help your friend stay clean, are very caring about her. Unless your friend feels like stopping pills,  taking them away will mean she finds them some place else. The problem that anyone who is addicted to pills has, is that the person is psychologically and at least with xanax, physically addicted. Taking pills has basically become a standard part of your friend's life. Her problem is bigger than your ability to care. If you haven't already done so, tell your friend directly about your opinion on the way she is using pills. This is not a guarantee that she'll stop. It isa way of you showing that you care about her. Offering love and advice are the only things you can do for her. Meanwhile, knowing she is hurting herself is probably hurting you. Be sure to keep a sense of balance within yourself.  Offer your concern and know she is the one who must decide to stop using.

I constantly feel like everyone is up against me and trying their best to shut me down. It's ruining my mood and even my whole self. I have trouble sleeping, and I keep having sleep paralysis while dreaming of others mocking and judging me.

The problem you describe sounds very wearing on your spirit. Are there particular reasons for why you feel everyone hates you? Have you been in a clash of ideas or opinions and feel yourself in the minority viewpoint? Or does your sense of being shut out start within your own mind, as though you anticipate that others will not like what you say? If actual conversations are leading you to feel left out, then evaluate whether to bring up certain points to the other person. Or, you may also decide that the relationships in which you feel shut out, are no longer worthwhile ones for you. If the problem is hesitating to interact because you imagine others will reject you, then maybe you can coach yourself into trying a small step toward introducing yourself and your thoughts to others.

I feel like every time I do something someone asks me to, I never fully meet what they want. I feel that when I finish it, they always think that they should have picked someone else to do it. I feel like they just want nothing to do with me.

It sounds like you have the perception that people are frequently disappointed in you, wish you were different or someone else, and ultimately reject you. One question I would have for you is what is your evidence that people feel this way? Is there anything in people's words or behaviors that gives you this impression? If your not sure, it may be useful for you to try to notice what people say and do in response to you, even though you perceive these attitudes within them. Additionally, working with a competent therapist may be a great way to get an answer to your question as well as developing ways to move forward with that answer and gain a sense of self-esteem and security in your relationships. One possibility that comes to mind, of which there may be more, is that as we grow up, we often develop relational templates, or sets of expectations about how people are and will relate to us, which influence our experiences and behavior in relationships. Sometimes the templates that we develop to stay connected growing up are not particularly adaptive for adult life and can hamper our self-esteem and capacity for comfortable intimacy as an adult. You ask a great question here, and one that can be very hard to see through, given the difficulty of feeling that people think of you in this way, and I hope that you will stay curious about this and consider working with a therapist who is trained to help you discover the answer.

Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.

Hello, and thank you for your question. Guilt is one of those things that nearly everyone has experienced at one time or another, and it can feel like a huge weight around your neck. Unfortunately, it is unlikely that we can give you some words of wisdom that will make it all go away. However, I will give you some ideas and hopefully this will help. One of the things that we know about guilt is that it doesn't usually do much to help us in the long-run. People may make changes for a short-term period of time because they feel guilty about something they did, but usually they will go back to their old behaviors if they don't have something else to help them change permanently, such as a new skill. So, guilt doesn't necessarily help us. In fact, as I write this someone out there is eating an entire key lime pie because they feel guilty about falling off their diet. Someone may be drinking alcohol because they feel guilty about drinking alcohol. For whatever reason, this is just a common thing that we do. Now accountability is different than guilt. Accountability can actually be constructive.  When you hold yourself accountable you can admit that you have done something wrong. That it hurt others and you deeply regret it. That you are prepared to take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. That you have done what you can to make amends, if necessary. That you are sorry. And then you move on. Why is moving on necessary? Well, for one thing, it doesn't usually help the people who you hurt. In fact, someone's guilty behavior may serve to remind the people who were hurt, over and over again, about what happened. Guilt is usually 100% about us, and not about those we hurt. Also, guilt can lead us to behave in ways that may even hurt people more. Having said all of that, guilt is a normal human emotion. Sometimes we experience it for a while and it goes away. Sometimes we need help to work through it. There are many self-help books about forgiving yourself. You can try Amazon to find some, or consider getting help from a counselor. Be well, Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

I'm in love with my own gender, and my parents are against that. I don't know how to tell them because I'm afraid they'll not want me anymore.

Hello, and thank you for your question. This is one of those times when you wish you could assure someone that everything will go perfectly, but unfortunately&nbsp;I can't do that. There is no way of knowing how parents might respond until you tell them. The truth is that people have come out to their parents in many different ways. Some have told their parents directly, some drop hints, some have had others tell their parents, etc. The only "right" way to come out is the one that you choose. The one that feels right to you. That is the best way. Some people decide not to come out, and some wait for a very long time. Both of&nbsp;these things are okay. Coming out is deeply personal, and there can be real consequences to someone's emotional health and safety if they tell the wrong person. That is why it should only be done when <i>you </i>are ready. When you feel that you have the emotional and personal support that&nbsp;you need to take the risk. Sometimes people can feel pressured to come out, but I encourage you to do it in your own time. The truth is, there is a spectrum of how people's parents react to this kind of news. On one end, you may have the parents who shut a person out and are abusive, and on the opposite side you may have parents that are totally okay with it and throw you a "Coming Out" party. Most parents are going to fall somewhere in the middle. It is important to remember that their&nbsp;feelings may change over time. Many parents struggle at first, but they love their kids and get better with it over time. If you decide to tell them, consider taking someone along to support you. Plan ahead on what you want to say. It can be an emotional time, so do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you need to, leave. You don't have to stay anywhere where someone is being cruel to you. I wish you well, and good luck. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

I have had a crush on this guy for years. I last talked to him a few years ago when we graduated from high school. We left off on a good note. Should I message him and see how he is doing, or is it too late?

You'll only find out whether or not it is "too late", by following through with wanting to message him. Regardless of whether the response you receive is what you'd hoped to hear, including not hearing back from him, you will have done yourself a great honor and respect by following through on a wish and curiosity you've had for some time.

I'm having a quinceañera, and the girls don't like their dresses. They never told me, and now it's a week away. I don't know what to do.

How did you find out that the girls aren't happy with their dresses? Did you hear this directly from one of them or is this third hand information that someone else told you about one of the girls in your party? The answer matters because gossiping instead of directly telling you about a problem, is a problem in itself. I suggest a conversation with the entire group of girls in which you tell them how you actually are feeling about their opinions about the dresses. One topic you may consider bringing up is what everyone expects to get out of the party. &nbsp;Are they coming because they like one another and wearing a dress in which the girl is happy, is only one way of having fun together? You may learn a great deal as to the difference in values about a quinceaña among you and your friends. I hope you'll have a fun party!

He isn't violent, but he has anger issues and deep insecurities. He's working on them and has improved. We started counseling, and he participated in one or two individual sessions, but we broke up again shortly thereafter. Now his constant questions and accusations are getting really draining.

From what you write, you're not too happy with how your boyfriend treats you and how he handles his own life. What keeps you feeling connected to him in positive ways? If you're truly not happy most of the time in this relationship, then you're at the time of asking why you'd want to remain in a relationship which is draining.

I feel like every time I do something someone asks me to, I never fully meet what they want. I feel that when I finish it, they always think that they should have picked someone else to do it. I feel like they just want nothing to do with me.

As long as you try to reach others expectations you will never feel satisfied or accepted.&nbsp; How about setting your own expectations for self and strive for those.&nbsp; Make sure your expectations are reachable and realistic.

Last year, I just always felt hopeless. I don't have a great relationship with my sister. I lost my mother recently, and that really added to my sadness. My sister always brings up how I was never close to my mother.

Wow what a painful journey you have been in for a long time. Death and grief bring up so many painful reminders of relationships--what they could have been, never were, and what was lost. With death of a family member the family often falls apart for a while... or longer. I hope you can find some support for you and your pain that was occurring before your mom's passing. I also hope you can find someone to help you set boundaries with your sister so you can have your time (as long as you need) to heal from losing your mom and then later figure out how to interact with your sister.

It happens especially at me and my sister, and then she gets emotional and brings up the past. How should I deal with it? She is always stressed about her work and doesn't put her family first.

Anger is a normal emotion, and yet it is a really hard one... how much is too much? and how do you express it without damaging those around you? yes mom's get angry, sometimes too easy... but its their responsibility to manage their anger-- get their own support and put themselves in time outs when they cannot handle it well.&nbsp; Since you are the kids, you shouldn't have to fix or calm down mom's anger. Maybe in a calmer time when you guys are being silly talk with her one on one? Tell her&nbsp; you are feeling sad and hurt that she gets upset at you girls. Ask her if there is 1 thing you can work on this next month to help her. Ask her if she would work on 1 thing for you this month-- not yelling? taking a time out? telling you before she blows her top so you can exit the room? Also for you, check out a library book on anger so you know how to handle yours, and one on parents and anger. Number one to remember, if you don't feel safe, if she is calling you names, or hurting you, breaking things etc. make sure you go to a trusted adult--school counselor, neighbor, aunt, church friend as soon as possible. You are much too important to be hurt and if mom is out of control, someone else&nbsp;needs to be --caring for you.

I am in my mid 30s. I feel I have used only 5% of my potential. I am in film making, but everything is stuck. I've never had a serious relationship. I had worthless jobs. I do a lot of meditation to try to fix it.

Being stuck in life is difficult, especially when you are feeling it in many different areas of your life. So you if you are ready for a change... time to make one! Make a list of the resources in your area--community colleges, friends, free classes, volunteer opportunities etc. Make a list of your passions and absolute "no way" things in life. Make a 5 year plan... where do you want to be in 5 years... then start breaking it down ... what do I need to do this year to make it to next year. Break that down into months... check in with friends/families/co workers etc to see what they see in you both good and bad. Take a deep breath and choose 1 thing to work on to get better in life according to them. Seek out any free training/counseling on career changes and life changes. You already began this by asking this forum for help Awesome! Use the peace and calm you find in meditation to spring board you to make some changes in your behavior--try new things, change poor choices etc. Use the meditation to give you peace while you make the changes. Good Luck!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We go to different schools, and we don't see each other that often. I just feel very paranoid that there's someone else or that he could be hiding something from me.

Paranoid is a mental disorder word.&nbsp; That is a strong word I think to use in this situation.&nbsp; Honestly the bottom like is either you don't trust him for some reason or you are insecure with yourself.&nbsp; Which is it?&nbsp; Do some soul searching to help you figure which one it is.&nbsp;&nbsp; Work on either discussing why you don't trust him and work on building that trust ....or why you feel you are not good enough and work on that.

i was addicted to porn since the second grade. I'm in my early 40s and overcame my addiction during my separation from my wife of 15 years.

The person who can answer this question is the person you want to rebuild that trust with.&nbsp; They are the only one who can tell you what it will take for them to trust you again.&nbsp; What they tell you may seem hard or impossible but unfortunately that is what THEY need.&nbsp; It is up to you if you feel and know you can provide what they request.&nbsp;

I have PTSD from childhood events and other traumas as an adult. I have panic attacks, nightmares, anger, and at times depression. I feel like I'm always on the edge or just apathetic. Can I fix this by myself?

I will not say that you can't but I will say it will be much harder and the time may take much longer.&nbsp; Getting help and having someone to be there with you through the ups and down of PTSD makes the journey much easier.&nbsp;

My son claims that hes been having extremely violent thoughts and dreams. Not violent like he's hurting someone, but violent thoughts like horrible things happening to his loved ones. He explained one of his dreams the other day and it was so violent it was sickening. It was far beyond anything in a horror movie, he says he can't help these thoughts they just pop up. Please help!

If your son is reporting "extremely violent thoughts and dreams" please have an psychological evaluation done by a psychiatrist now before it gets even worse for him to bare.&nbsp; Don't take his reports lightly.&nbsp; For him&nbsp; to tell you, he knows that something is not right.&nbsp; He is seeking and needing help.&nbsp; Get it immediately.&nbsp; Best to be safe than sorry.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We go to different schools, and we don't see each other that often. I just feel very paranoid that there's someone else or that he could be hiding something from me.

Have you spoken to him about your fears? Perhaps you can explain this feeling to him and let him know what might lead to feeling more secure. &nbsp;Also, it is important to trust your intuition! &nbsp;Perhaps there are good reasons to feel concerned. It may not be paranoia - it may be based in reality! &nbsp;

What should I do when we see each other?

I am so sorry this happened. &nbsp;Sharing a part of your private life without your permission can be so painful. &nbsp;I might suggest (depending on your relationship) reaching out to your sister and discussing this (or setting boundary that you don't want to discuss your private life). &nbsp;I might also speak with your wife and share how hurt you are and what you need to happen moving forward to begin to heal. &nbsp;

I have been noticing myself really enjoying watching/reading about gay or lesbian couples. I've also been imagining what it might be like to date a girl, and I like the idea. I also find guys cute too. Does this make me biintercourseual?

Hello! &nbsp;Thank you for your question. &nbsp;Exploring your intercourseual orientation and attraction is a wonderful opportunity to get to know yourself! &nbsp;I would be curious to know what feelings you might have related to the possibility of being bi; What messages you may have received related to this orientation and any concerns you have about possible intercourseual orientations. &nbsp;

I feel like I was born in the wrong body I feel like I should be a girl not a boy Ever since I was young, I have wanted to be a girl. I felt like what I was wasn't me. I want to know what I can do about it. My family is against transgender people and don't want anything to do with them. I want to be “me.” I feel as if I'll be happy then. I don't look in mirrors, and I don't like my reflection. Recently, I have been taking things to help even though they were not prescribed. I know I should have this handled by a professional.

Hi. Do you have any opportunity to work with a therapist? &nbsp;It sounds like it might be really great to explore these feelings. If you aren't able to, there are many awesome gender work books available that you could use to explore your thoughts and feelings. Also - google "ask a gender therapist" - so many amazing video blogs to answer many questions! &nbsp;Good luck!

It happens especially at me and my sister, and then she gets emotional and brings up the past. How should I deal with it? She is always stressed about her work and doesn't put her family first.

You are very wise for a young person. You have already figured out that other people's behaviours...how they treat you...it's not about you...it's about them. I love that you don't blame yourself for your mom's behaviours. It's not your fault. She's getting upset because she doesn't know how to manage her emotions, and these emotions have to do with her past and her present stress. You're just the trigger. Yes, this is normal, but it's not necessary. She can find another way to manage her "stuff". Unfortunately, you can't help your mom a whole lot or even help her recognize this. But for yourself... remembering that her behaviours are her issue is the biggest piece of "dealing with it". You can always try some new strategies when you talk to mom...you can say "I'll listen you better if you don't bring up past stuff", or "I'm worried about you mom. You seem stressed", or even "I don't like the way you talk to me". Good luck!

I am currently suffering from erectile dysfunction and have tried Viagra, Cialis, etc. Nothing seemed to work. My girlfriend of 3 years is very intercourseually frustrated. I told her that it is okay for her to have intercourse with other men. Is that really okay?

Hello, and thank you for your question. I completely agree with Dr. Zehner. Many couples are in open-type&nbsp;or polyamorous relationships where one or both partners engage in intercourseual relationships with others. The key thing about this is that it really does have to be something that both people are okay with. Now, as Dr. Zehner indicated, what may be okay today may not feel okay tomorrow, so good communication is essential.&nbsp;The truth is, even in polyamorous relationships where partners are in agreement, jealousy does sometimes happen. Here is a good article about polyamorous relationships and the issue of jealousy: http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/polyamorous-dealing-jealousy/ This site has many other articles about polyamory. If you type in "polyamory" in their search box, you will find some good information. I wish you well, Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

My grandma had a stroke and passed away recently. I lost my home and job. I'm looking but haven't found a job. I've been binge watching television and binge eating.

Hello! I write to respond to your recent inquiry for possible increase in self-esteem and positive behavioral change regarding motivation for a new job.&nbsp; First of all, please try to allow yourself some time for grief of the loss of your dear grandmother. It appears you were close to her in many ways and she had a great influence in your life. The grief process of anger, denial, despair and acceptance may be a part of what is keeping you feeling "stuck" in a cycle of not feeling motivated to find work at this time. &nbsp;Perhaps your mind is constantly fighting this grief? Death can be a "traumatic" experience for some people and is considered a great loss, thus the grief process may continue to be a part of your world for a time but hopefully not keep you "stuck" on a long-term basis. &nbsp;I would try to reach out to a counselor to discuss this grief process at a deeper level to discern whether her death is part of why you feel this way. &nbsp;Grief and loss can also have an effect on your self-esteem. &nbsp;Can you begin to see how this cycle is what you may be experiencing?&nbsp; One positive I see is that you are continuing to look for a new job! &nbsp;Take time to give yourself some credit for the &nbsp;time you are spending looking for work. &nbsp;Also, I would recommend you set some short-term goals first for example, make a list of 5-10 potential new employers and send them each your resume. Then followup the next week with an email or phone call to make sure the hiring manager or human resources received your resume and have any questions. &nbsp;It is also a good idea to ask for "informational interviews" in order to get your foot in the door, so to speak. I hope that this information is helpful to you! &nbsp;Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns. Warmly, Denise

Me and my adult daughter just do not get along. She's very belittling to me when I don't agree with her. It's almost like she scolds me. We get into all out war. She's said I don't support her in what she does and that I've never loved her. She calls me horrible names, and she pushes my buttons to the point I call her names.

As frustrating and probably hurtful as your daughter's comments sound, there's also a message in them about how she genuinely feels. To some degree, your daughter and you may both feel similarly misunderstood by the other. Developing ways of listening and talking to one another to better understand how you each feel, would probably help a lot. One major point to be aware, is that the mother/daughter relationship dynamic, because it is strong, may slow the new dynamic of relating as two adults. Watch for your own tendency to expect your daughter to consider you as a parenting authority, instead of considering her as a grown person. The same is true of your daughter. &nbsp;She may need to remind herself to talk to you as the adult she is. Her needs from you are real, they just need to be spoken to you in an adult way.

I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?

From whom do you get anti-depressants? <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">This person should be talking with you to know whether the pills are helping or not.</span> Trust your own instinct that the pills aren't helping you. Pills work differently for everyone and not all people feel better from them. It is also possible the particular pills have lost their effectiveness because after around six to eight months, this usually happens. Try to understand what is depressing you. &nbsp;This is slow work since you may have many theories. Just by addressing your own emotional needs and life structure in a caring and respectful way, may improve your mood so that you'll feel less depressed.

I terminated my counseling relationship with a social worker several years ago. I am now realizing that I would like to begin counseling again. The social worker's voicemail message says that he returns calls in 24 hours, but he hasn't called me back. I called him on the weekend and made it clear that I want him to call me back. Can he just ignore me?

Yes, your former social worker should return your phone call. It is the professional ethic to do so and plain human decency to do so. If he doesn't, there is nothing you can directly do about the fact of his ignoring you. There are formal complaints you can make, which you can consider doing. What matters most is receiving social work service. Stick with looking for another social worker who is willing to help you. The self-doubts you mention may be worth examining. They do not, however excuse the social worker mishandling himself.

How do I ever trust another woman? I have found myself constantly reading between the lines with every other woman that I meet. I am having a difficult time making any sort of connection to anyone because of her deception and willingness to say and do literally anything in order to control my emotions. Once the "relationship" was over, she became extremely abusive and has attempted to intimidate me into silence regarding the many false claims made on her immigration application.

I'm sorry to hear about that situation. If the woman was your therapist (or had been at one time), this could represent a significant ethical violation when she created a dual relationship with you. Even if you were not her client, this might still be an ethical violation. Counselors are held to a high standard of conduct and honesty at all times. In a situation like this you might consider filing a complaint with the state regulatory board.

When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.

You are in an abusive relationship-not because of your boyfriend's silences but because he is comfortable being sarcastic and hurtful, never admits he is wrong and never apologizes. It is your choice to participate in an abusive relationship. You can not stop an abusive partner from being abusive no matter how wonderfully you treat your partner. You can either accept the terrible relationship as it is or reach out for the support that you need to leave the abusive relationship. I wish you well, always.

I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.

Your challenge is called "co-dependency." People seek approval from others in an obsessive way when they are failing to truly accept themselves. I encourage you to truly love yourself and know that you have every right to every sensation, emotion, thought, and inspiration that you may have. Best of luck on your journey.

I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?

No, it does not necessarily. &nbsp;Your intercourseual preference is based on who you ARE attracted to, not what does not turn you on. &nbsp;If you find you have no intercourse drive at all, this is called aintercourseual. &nbsp;But you did not mention what you do find arrousing either. &nbsp;Hope this helps.

I'm fine when we start becoming intimate, but out of nowhere, I will get a flashback of what happened to me in the past. I start hysterically crying and freaking out when my boyfriend obviously has done nothing to hurt me.

Have you sought the support of a therapist really qualified in working through intercourseual trauma? It can take some work, but healing is possible. If you feel able to, it may also help to open a dialogue with your boyfriend about what you need from him when you have these flashbacks. Let him know what some helpful responses may be.&nbsp;

I blame my past relationship for it. I know it is bad to be this way. I want to get past it.

We humans are social beings. We learn how to BE in relationship as children. The caregiving you received (or didn't receive) set the stage for how you show up in all your adult relationships. Insecurity in relationships often has much to do with feeling unheard or unseen, perhaps feeling like you don't matter. There are many ways to rewire these relational patterns, the first step of which is taking pause and noticing that you are feeling insecure - so congrats on that because clearly you are already there! &nbsp;Next I'd suggest finding a relationship therapist to help you sort through your insecurities, either as a couple or individually.&nbsp;

I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.

From what you describe about yourself, I agree with you that ending your former relationship was a very wise decision. The nightmares and flashbacks show that you were deeply affected emotionally and on the foundations of your basic nature. The way for these to stop is by the slow process of realizing how badly injured and frightened you were of your former partner. Once you've stabilized yourself by accepting the tremendous harshness that was part of the former relationship, then the nightmares and flashbacks will disappear gradually usually, maybe all at once. There is a possibility too that your former relationship connected with being emotionally ignored, abandoned, treated harshly during your time of growing up years. Since generally people choose partners who relate similarly to the ways in which they felt treated by parents, it is possible that you had been badly treated while growing up and weren't aware of this until going through this terrible relationship. Congratulations on ending your relationship!

I blame my past relationship for it. I know it is bad to be this way. I want to get past it.

How did you come to the conclusion that you are acting needy? Is this what your partner told you or are you feeling this way about yourself? The difference is that what you'd like from a relationship may be very reasonable, only that your partner is not someone who wants to meet your needs. One way of evaluating whether you're actually needy is whether you feel that you give yourself love, take good care of yourself when you're in situations that are not connected to being part of a couple. If being by yourself feels uneasy most of the time, then probably practicing self-love, consciously treating yourself with consideration and thoughtfulness, may help you feel less needy of others. This way, when you're with a partner, the time together will be in enjoying the partner, not getting love because of not figuring out a way of giving love to yourself.

I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?

Certainly counselling can help. however, there is a caveat, namely, you will need the right counsellor with the right approach. This leads to two questions: 1) What are the identifiers for the right counsellor, and 2) What is the right approach? 1) What are the identifiers for the right counsellor? The right counsellor will almost certainly have a lot of experience. He or she will have done a lot personal work and have an ongoing practice of inner work both on their own and with the support of an experienced therapist. This person will be viewing you as a human being with challenges, not as a diagnostic category. He or she will be willing to work with you over an extended period of time and have experience doing such work. Further they will be well versed in approaches that are responsive to you in the moment and overall. The in-depth work will be collaborativel designed in an ongoing way that is responsive to you, the moment, your overall life experience, and their in-the-moment experience. It goes without saying that you will subjectively evaluate the felt sense of connection with this person and the feeling that they are invested in their work with you, value you as a human being, and value the connection. As well, it is crucial that you feel this connection and that your therapist 'gets you.' 2) What is the right approach?&nbsp; As Carl Jung stated, "When the doctor sits down with the patient he (or she) must drop all theories and learn the theory of this person." The approach must include a bond between you and your therapist that is in a continuous process of development, attention to pre-verbal imprinting, development of awareness ability, ongoing development of the ability to attend to and stay with inner experience, development of a process orientation, attention to egoic structures that were seeded from the earliest days in the service of perceptions of threats to needs being met, identification of current egoic states and work with these inner selves and their relationship with each other to facilitate movement from developmental points of arrest, increased ability to access and contain non-ordinary states of consciousness, attending to what is, and working with this in the service of moving towards optimal human development. depression is generally experienced as the system shutting down. anxiety is a signal that something is wrong. anxiety is not the problem. it is a sign that there is a problem. the core of these issues is a lack of inner security that is the outcome of insufficient bonding. the work of psychotherapy is to establish an environment and relationship that will facilitate work with the bonding ruptures and re-initiation of the developmental process that stopped at an early stage.

I have PTSD from childhood events and other traumas as an adult. I have panic attacks, nightmares, anger, and at times depression. I feel like I'm always on the edge or just apathetic. Can I fix this by myself?

When it comes to trauma, especially in the event that it has caused you to develop PTSD, there can be a lot of difficulty in attempting to resolve these issues on your own simply because of how strong your urge to avoid it whenever thoughts of the traumatic experience come up. PTSD is best treated with the help of a mental health professional and if using the Cognitive Processing Approach can be treated in as few as 17 weeks. As for your other concerns, many of these can be treated independently if you have the motivation to manage your way through. Panic attacks and depression, specifically, often respond well to self-help treatment manuals. The Centre for Clinical Interventions is a great online resource for workbooks to help you learn to manage the depression and panic attacks. Whether you decide to work through these concerns on your own or in professional therapy, just know that your panic attacks must be managed prior to addressing your trauma. Hope this is helpful and if you have any other questions don't hesitate to ask.

I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?

My initial response: &nbsp;consider a more comprehensive MH assessment to determine other factors. A medical evaluation is warranted to rule out poor health issues. Blood work is helpful. Review what hadn't helped.&nbsp;

I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.

Ending an abusive relationship is often very difficult, especially if you were very close initially without the presence of abuse. &nbsp;If the abuse included verbal or psychological condemnation, you will often have a negative self-image that you may "know" is not true but often feels very true. This negative self-image and fear of being abused again can activate protections in you that were needed at the time you were abused but now create a "wall" in your current relationship. &nbsp;The fact that you were able to end the relationship and know that you made the right decision is a great acknowledgement that you have solid internal resources to draw upon in healing from the abuse. &nbsp;Good for you! Nightmares and flashbacks are a strong sign of memories, including associated beliefs, emotions, and physical sensations, that have remained unprocessed and therefore unhealed. &nbsp;There are likely reminders&nbsp;<span style="line-height: 1.42857;">(called triggers) of the past abuse that are being activated in your current relationship that are allowing these unhealed memories to come to the surface and affect both your sleep and your waking experiences. &nbsp;This is certainly not something you are purposefully doing but is the result of what happened to you. &nbsp;However, you likely feel as if you are not in control. &nbsp; &nbsp;</span> <span style="line-height: 1.42857;">The goal is protect your current relationship, evaluate your self-image for flaws in beliefs and feelings, and begin working on healing your memories of abuse. In many cases, my use of EMDR (Eye Movement Des</span><span style="line-height: 20px;">ensitization</span><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">&nbsp;and Reprocessing) would be helpful in reducing the emotional strength of your abuse memories, reduce or eliminate triggers, bring healing, and allow you to enjoy being in the present with your current relationship. &nbsp;I would recommend discussing with your current partner your harmful past experiences, your decision to pursue counseling, and your strong desire to be healthy for your current relationship. &nbsp;With a good support network in place, healing is very possible.</span>

My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health.

Could you tell her ? &nbsp;What would happen if you said "Mom, I love you and I really want to share myself with you, but often I you get upset and I don't want that to happen. I really want to be able to talk to you." &nbsp;

I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?

It doesn't sound like you are finding yourself attracted to anyone. &nbsp;It could mean that you just haven't connected with anyone you find attractive, or that you are aintercourseual - essentially not oriented toward anyone. &nbsp;I would suggest doing some reading on aintercourseuality and see if it connects to how you feel!

I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.

EMDR therapy has shown great results for work with PTSD symptoms which are similar to what you described. If you are unable to find a local EMDR specialist then I would suggest some meditation and journaling in addition to talk therapy to process your trauma. Your anxiety response centers int he brain are in hyper vigilance mode and retraining to turn down that response could be helpful for you.&nbsp;

I have been having a lot of nightmares where I am being killed in different ways. I either wake up in a panic or just crying and sweating. It has made me terrified of falling asleep and is now affecting my daily life too. Can I make the nightmares stop?

Hello, and thank you for your question. Sleep problems, including insomnia and even the nightmares that you are writing about, are really common for people and so many people suffer from them. Here are a few things to consider or to try: 1. Have you changed&nbsp;or started taking any new medication lately? Medications can certainly affect your sleep and some can even cause vivid or frightening dreams. If you are taking a new medication, talk to your provider about the nightmares, this may be the cause. 2. Stress can certainly increase our difficulty with sleep and can also begin to affect our dream states. The dreams may not make much sense, but then again even good dreams don't always make much sense. Ask yourself, do I have any new or renewed stressors in my life? Work, school, relationships, health.... all of these areas&nbsp;and many more are places where stress can hide out. If this is the case, talk with your provider or consider seeing a counselor who may be able to help. 3. Something to consider is that once we start to have anxiety or stress about something, we can begin to obsess about it. My guess is that going to bed for sleep is no longer a pleasant thing for you. Your stress and fear of what may happen when you sleep could start way before you actually go to bed. This could increase your chances of having another bad dream. Try relaxation techniques before going to bed. If you have YouTube, you can pull up "Guided Meditation for Sleep" exercises to help you relax. There are many different ones to choose from. You may also want to try deep breathing. 4. There are self-help ideas for managing bad nightmares. If you Google search "Nightmare Rescripting" or "Nightmare Exposure" you may find some ideas and instructions on how to manage dreams. I hope these ideas help. Be well... Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real.

Hello, and thank you for your question. First things first, I am so glad that you are alive and very sorry that you had to endure such a terrible experience. Now, let's talk about these nightmares. The first thing I want to tell you is that you are NOT losing your mind. Many people start to think that may be the case if they are still suffering from the affects of something that happened a long time ago. That's not the case. There is no time set time for which we should be "over" something like this. I am not sure if you received counseling after what happened to you, but that may be something to consider. Bad nightmares could be the sign of something like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which would include other symptoms like being startled easily, re-experiencing the event, or avoiding places that remind you of it. There are other symptoms, as well, so if you believe this may be something you have you may want to seek counseling. There are good treatments for PTSD. If you cannot seek counseling&nbsp;at this time, there are some things you can do to try to manage the dreams on your own. I would encourage you to look up "sleepy hygiene" and try to make your bedtime rituals as relaxing as possible. You can also Google search "Nightmare re-scripting" or "Nightmare Exposure" and get some ideas on how you may be able to change your dreams. It may be a good idea to attend a domestic violence support group and get ideas from other survivors who no doubt have had sleep problems related to their experiences, too. Hope this was helpful. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real.

Nightmare are actually very common for survivors of domestic violence. If they are affecting you the the point where you feel like you need to do something, you may want to consider processing your memories of the events with a trained trauma therapist. Another good option, may be to attend a support group for survivors where you could process your memories in a safe space where others will be able to provide support and understanding for what you went through as well as encouragement for the strength it took you to get out of that relationship. You may also want to consider completing a screening or assessment to rule out post-traumatic stress disorder as well.

I feel angry, anxious, and depressed. The PTSD I suffer is from a past relationship.

If the symptoms are to the extent that they are affecting your ability to function, you may want to consider seeking treatment. PTSD, anxiety, and depression all typically respond well to treatment if provided by a trained clinician. Common types of treatment for PTSD that you may want to look into include Cognitive Processing Therapy or EMDR. The nice things about Cognitive Processing Therapy is that it is time limited and only lasts 17 sessions typically.&nbsp;

I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss, and I can understand the urge to drink and smoke to try and cope. As I'm sure you understand, alcohol and marijuana may take the edge off of the pain in the short run, but in the long run they may prevent you from being able to work through the thoughts and feelings that you have about the loss of your friend. Grieving is a process that is unique to each individual and each relationship that may involve difficult, confusing, and even contradictory seeming thoughts and feelings and a competent therapist can help you work through this process. It also may be useful for you to add other ways of coping, such as taking care of yourself through exercise, doing healthy activities that you love, and spending time with people that you love. Self care is often most difficult when we need it the most. Thank you for reaching out.

I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

I'm so sorry to hear about your recent loss. &nbsp;There is such a large feeling of uncertainty that befalls those of us left to sort through these emotions of such a loss, and it's never easy. &nbsp; I think it's important to remember that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to deal with loss and the "best way" for you may not be the best way for someone else. &nbsp;The fact that you are aware that you are smoking more marijuana and drinking more, and the fact that you can recognize that these may not be the best coping techniques, is a very good step towards giving yourself some better support at this time. &nbsp;Marijuana and drinking are type of coping techniques that can numb us to our emotions, but they do not really help us to work through those emotions.&nbsp; When it comes to grief, often one of the most helpful ways to move through the phases of grief is to use your social supports; talk to your friends and family, see your mutual friends and commiserate with each other on the loss and the uncertainty. &nbsp;The more we talk about our feelings, the more we are okay with them being ours. The more we express our loss, the better we become at accepting such a loss. In talking with your supports, you may also decide ways in which you may want to remember your friend; ways you can do so on a personal level (writing a poem, planting a tree, etc.) or ways you as a group can remember and memorialize them (a special day where you get together to share your memories, starting a charity, etc.)&nbsp; We never truly "get over" our losses, but we can learnt o accept the losses and what it means to us now...but that also takes time.&nbsp;

I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

Let me begin by offering my condolences for your loss. I can understand how difficult this time maybe for you especially if you have several unanswered the questions due to the circumstances surrounding the death of your friend. &nbsp;It's during this time, that you may experience the various stages of grief. This includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.&nbsp;<span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22.3125px;">In the bereavement process, there is so specific time frame or lengths of time for someone to work through each step. Its imperative to note &nbsp;that one may</span><span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22.3125px;">&nbsp;express each stage with different levels of intensity. Also, the five stages do not necessarily occur in any specific order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Just note that everyone greives differently, some internalize their feelings and emotions, others express it externally, while other avoid it all together.</span> <span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22.3125px;">Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience. Sometimes we feel that no one understands what we are feeling or going through, much less comprehend our emotional state of mind . What's important, is that you allow others to comfort you through the various stages. My recommendation is to allow yourself to go through the emotions and feel the grief. Avoiding or resisting may only delay the healing process. </span><span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22.3125px;">Reaching the acceptance stage of mourning is a gift not not everyone is awarded, but seeking the help of a Grief counselor may assist in deciphering your emotions and set you on a more positive path to achieve closer.</span>

It's been like a couple of years that I've been feeling like this. I don't want to self-diagnose, but I get so sad and cry and then I feel better. But then I get upset with people so quickly, and I hurt their feelings. It's this constant rollercoaster, and it's hard.

Hello, and thank you for your question. Bipolar disorder is&nbsp;generally&nbsp;characterized by extreme changes in mood, ranging from mania (highs) to depression (lows). There are different types; however, so here is a&nbsp;website that&nbsp;gives you a list of symptoms for mania and depression in bipolar disorder: http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/bipolar-disorder-manic-depression?page=2 After reviewing these symptoms, if you believe you may have bipolar disorder, then you may want to see your primary care provider or&nbsp;a counselor. Bipolar disorder is treatable, but for many people it requires the right medication and sometimes counseling to help people make behavior changes that are important for bipolar management. For example, some people may not get regular sleep, but proper rest is important for bipolar management. A counselor may talk to you about this and other lifestyle changes that you may need to make.&nbsp; The good news is that many people live happy, healthy, and productive lives with bipolar disorder. So, if it turns out that you do have bipolar disorder, it doesn't mean that things can't get better. There is currently no "cure" for bipolar disorder, but with proper medication and lifestyle management, people can do quite well. Hope this was helpful. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

Suicide is a very traumatic loss and affects survivors significantly. Everyone deals with their grief in different ways. One way I recommend to deal with the loss of a loved one is to write letters to them. Some people like to keep the letters in a jar, maybe fill the jar with sand so the letters are buried. I recommend writing the letters as often as you need to. You will notice over time the need to write the letters will decrease and the intense feelings of loss will decrease. I also recommend finding a survivors support group in your area. You can find more information on www.afsp.org.

Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?

I recommend asking your son about the reasons he chooses to play alone at recess. If he is happy on his own and you know he has some friends, I would not be very concerned. However, there may be bullying going on at school. In the case of bullying, it may be a situation where you as his parent will need to step in.

I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it. My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?

Hello, and thank you for your question. I am so glad that you reached out for help. I know that the dysphoria can feel nearly impossible to handle, especially since you have limited support from people who accept who you are. You may already know some of these resources, but I am going to share a few. 1. The website www.letsqueerthingsup.com is a blog from a very good writer that I know. His name is Sam Dylan Finch, and he is transgender. He writes about mental health, transgender issues, and many other topics. I know he has frequently written about gender dysphoria and ways to manage it. You may want to check out his site and do a search on there. 2. The website www.everydayfeminism.com employs many transgender writers and several have written about gender dysphoria and have given ideas for managing it. If you search for gender dysphoria on their site, many articles pop up. It may be a good resource for you, especially if you ever feel lonely and start to forget that there are others out there who are like you and have your back. 3. I am not sure where you live, but there are counselors who specialize in affirmative therapy, which is what is recommended for folks who are part of the LGBTQ community. So, if you decide to see a counselor about the dysphoria, try to find one that specifically says they have been trained in the affirmative approach. In addition, feel free to ask questions of the counselor before agreeing to see them for counseling. An ethical counselor would have no problem answering them before having you come in. 4. If there are some LGBTQ resource centers in your area, try to reach out to them and see if there are support groups. Gaining more support from others would be helpful. Sometimes LGBTQ-friendly counselors leave their contact information for people in resource centers. 5. Finally, I know you have not mentioned being depressed or suicidal, but I also know that it is very common for people to consider&nbsp;suicide when they are struggling with dysphoria, dealing with transphobia, etc. If this ever happens to you, please call 911 or the Trans Lifeline. It's free&nbsp;at&nbsp;877-565-8860. Visit their site at www.translifeline.org. I hope some of these ideas help. Feel free to send another message if you have a follow-up question. Be well....be YOU. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it. My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?

Hi. It can be difficult to handle such a transition on your own. I work with clients to understand their needs and wants. This can involve how to communicate effectively with friends, family, and other loved ones; or, learning how to have self-acceptance. I strongly recommend speaking with a licensed clinician one on one to help facilitate the change you are looking for.&nbsp;

I feel really uncomfortable when I have people's attention. It makes me not want to talk in public or answer questions in class. Can I get over this social anxiety?

you can learn lots of skills/techniques to feel more confident in what you need to do that will decrease your anxious response for sure! :) And&nbsp; you can also learn how to work with your personality that may not like the attention. You may find that "talking" to others through the internet is more comfortable and you are great at it, or that you love one on one talking but aren't really made for group talking. There is a place in this world for you either way! Public speaking skills can be practiced in speech class, or toastmaster group, they will give you practice in a safe environment where the cool kids or cutest boy aren't ready to laugh at you.&nbsp; What topics are you interested in and what groups can you do a little speaking up? Maybe in your small group at church try and raise you hand to share your opinion, or maybe your Girl Scout troop? Look around for a peer and one adult who you like to hear speak out, ask them to share with you 2 things that help them feel comfortable speaking in public. Check out some Ted Talks and see how they share in groups. Social anxiety is a difficult concern and picking apart what is your awesome personality and what needs skill building and mindfulness/anxiety&nbsp; help are important steps. Good luck!

I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

Suicide is not a natural way to pass from this Earth, so many times it can be EXTREMELY tough to deal with because of the "unnatural-ness" of the event. We may find ourselves feeling guilty that we did not see it or that we could've have done more or something to stop it, but often the <span style="font-weight: bold;">fish in the fishbowl cannot see that which is closest to him. </span>You are currently trying to numb your feelings, those feelings as nasty as they are, are meant to be felt, those feelings help us to process the event and also help us to pass through the situation. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Your friend has a legacy, remember it, and honor that legacy everyday in some small or even grand way, perhaps committing or volunteering your time to help others in honor of your friend.</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Hope this helps, </span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">C</span>

I started having anxiety three months ago. I'm new to having anxiety, and it's making me depressed.

As a past sufferer of anxiety myself, I have learned that it is a natural part of life, it is a natural part of us, the longer we try to run from it the more it entangles us in its clutches, if we deny certain parts of ourselves we will become depressed or even oppressed, the only way to deal with anxiety is to embrace it and accept it, and in fighting the fight without fighting we will eventually win, I would encourage you to look into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, your answer I think lies in that area of research. Hope this helps, C

There are intimate things she did early in the relationship, and things she had once agreed to try that she will not do now. I end up thinking about it all day. I feel rejected and think I married the wrong person.

I'd say you're letting fear get a hold on you! You would really enjoy some intercourseual activities that your wife hasn't initiated in a long while, but it's a big leap to go from that to "I married the wrong person". Fear is telling you that she doesn't respect or like or want you? Look at the bigger picture. What is the evidence that your wife wants to please you?...that she is the "right" woman for you?...that she loves you?...that she cares about what's important to you? &nbsp;If there is evidence there, then you owe it to the marriage to rein in your fearful thoughts. Talking to your wife is so important right now. We all have moments when we really just want to sit and stew in our self pity over our partner not vacuuming or cooking or saying loving things often enough...but they can't read our minds! Can you lovingly let her know what you miss? ...what you hope for?...what you need? This is the meat of a loving relationship. Sharing who we are, so that we can love each other better.&nbsp; Your wife deserves the benefit of the doubt that she'll listen to what you long for. Can you risk feeling vulnerable? You can't control her answer, but can you trust her to care?

I hate everything I see in the mirror. I don't like being in pictures and always scribble out my face. It's stressing me out. I don't trust my parents enough to tell them and I don't know what to do.

This is so very common in this crazy looks-obsessed world! I meet so many beautiful people who can't see their beauty. Is there something getting in the way for you? Was there a time in your life when people teased you or told you something hurtful, or did something to you that made you feel ugly? If so, this can be addressed first. Sometimes stories are told about us when we're young and the best thing we can do is see the author's evil or careless intent and not take that on. A therapist can help you with this part. Once you've addressed any past barriers to feeling confident, you can focus on a few simple things. First, your thoughts. If you keep telling yourself that you don't like what you see, then you will never feel okay about your looks. Experiment with telling yourself something different. Look in the mirror and I dare you to find something that's lovely about your face. Focus on that. Describe what you see? If you were your own best friend, what would you say about your face? Eliminating those negative scripts and building new positive ones will help you feel more accepting of how you look. You can't change your face, but you can change your attitude towards your face. Confidence is the things that will make you beautiful! Accepting how you look is important. Without going to plastic surgery (the popularity of which is a testimony to how nuts this whole thing has become), you were born with that nose, those eyes, those lips. Accepting yourself and knowing it won't change is a good idea, because wishing it were different won't make it so! Looking good is also about minimizing flaws and building on your assets. Are you in a rut about hairstyle or makeup? Ask a good friend to give you a make-over. Play with your features and wardrobe. There are plenty of average looking people who know how to make themselves shine because they are creative!&nbsp;

I spent my whole life taking care of my dad, but left because of his verbally abusive behavior. I was the only one that helped with his health issues. I feel if I hadn't left he might still be alive. I need help dealing with my grief and guilty conscience.

I see such a sharp contrast between your question and your first sentence. Do you see it? "I feel guilty about my father's death", and "I spent my WHOLE LIFE taking care of my dad." Wow. After everyone else had left him to his misery, you hung in there. He is so lucky to have had you there. You didn't have to do that.&nbsp; I have a hunch that your dad blamed you for a lot of things. Abusive people do that a lot; they make you believe things are your fault when they're not. You did the opposite of what you fear you did. You didn't contribute to your dad's death; your selfless care gave him a longer life...better health. In the end, no one's love and care could save him.&nbsp; No one could fault you for deciding you had had enough at some point. I would never expect anyone to keep putting themselves in a hurting place over and over again. But this is what you did. You did it for him, and you did it so you wouldn't feel guilty. But you feel guilty anyway, right?...so putting yourself in that position was only worth it if you allow your loving acts to melt away the guilt. Can you tell yourself "It's okay that I had to take care of myself too."... "I gave up a lot for my dad; I have nothing to feel guilty about". Putting yourself last for your dad was a loving thing to do. And... my hope is that you can also find different ways to help yourself feel "good enough" in this world, and a balance between caring for others and caring for yourself. &nbsp;:)

I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

I urge you to seek some therapeutic help for this, and also to connect with others who knew your friend, because they're likely feeling the same way. Suicide is difficult to understand, and those left behind have many mixed emotions that make their grief complicated and anguished. Your friend either had an impulse that no one could stop, or they made a big decision that impacted everyone around them. There are other things you can do to cope with this, and it has to do with accepting your powerlessness to stop it, not blaming yourself, forgiving your friend, and finding meaning in their life and yours. You won't find that meaning in a bottle or a joint. I hope you reach out soon. :)

I always feel the need to impress people, whether it's my family, the people at school, or just random people. I know that no matter what I do or how I change, there will always be some people who hate me. Why do I feel this way?

My first reaction to this is that It sounds like you rely alot on the impressions and projections of the outside world, that you need validation from other people to compensate for a lack of something on the inside, build yourself up on the inside, work on yourself, use positive affirmations daily, <span style="font-weight: bold;">it would be wise for you to research some self-construct theory and do some self-concept work.</span> Hope this helps, C

I started having anxiety three months ago. I'm new to having anxiety, and it's making me depressed.

I agree with Cory. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) does seem to help a lot of people who struggle with anxiety. It's not the only type of therapy that can help, but it seems to help people in a way that is more natural and realistic. As Cory mentioned, anxiety is something that is part of life, so therapies that indicate we can get rid of it are questionable. Our natural inclination when we have anxiety is to STOP any and all things that may cause it or provoke it. We do this because we think it will help, but it actually doesn't. Anxiety usually has us rehashing the past or rehearsing the future&nbsp;while ignoring the present. ACT helps folks who have those kinds of tendencies. Be well.. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?

The answer depends on how the other areas of your son's life are doing. Is he happy or does he seem happy, playing alone during recess? Does he have friends in other social circles besides the students whom he's with at recess? How is his academic progress? How is his social integration among his classmates? Are there any special or unusual circumstances in the home and family environment? Go through this list to form a fuller idea of whether your son simply likes alone time and takes this option during recess, or if any if the above areas show stress or difficulty for him and which need to be further understood and handled.

Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?

Humans are social creatures so this can be an alarming thing for a parent to deal with, just like adults children are not the same and some children are more social than others, if he plays alone at recess (all the time) it would worry myself as well, however recess is only one domain of life, does he have friends outside of school or daycare? Does he socialize in other situations or is it just at recess where this occurs? If this is a global problem occurring at other social times it may be indicative of something deeper going on, if perhaps it is occurring "just during recess" it could be something else altogether. I would request reports from all teachers and caregivers concerning socialization and make a choice on whether or not to evaluate further. Hope this helps, C

I feel really uncomfortable when I have people's attention. It makes me not want to talk in public or answer questions in class. Can I get over this social anxiety?

Since anxiety usually about anticipating a bad result, or fear of being judged negatively, as though having failed some sort of test, consider what would give you the feeling of anticipating a good result from talking to an audience? <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Maybe, for example, if you prepared and rehearsed your talk more than what you typically would, you'd feel more secure in speaking &nbsp;in front of an audience.</span> <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Once you sort through your particular reason as to the source of your discomfort, it may feel more manageable.</span> <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Yes, social anxiety can change. &nbsp;You may naturally prefer smaller groups than an audience.</span> <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">And, it is possible to decrease anxiety in what may always be somewhat uncomfortable for you.</span>

I have a lot on my mind, but all I want to do is stay locked in my room and not socialize with anyone. Why do I feel so alone?

There is a difference in someone agreeing to try something and agreeing to continue to do it. Have you ever been willing to try something and then decided you did not like it? A type of food? A sport? A new restaurant? A type of dance? So this does not mean that things have changed between you. It does mean that the two of you may need to spend some time to find out what you both like.&nbsp; Instead of looking at it as a rejection, look at it as a challenge, an adventure that the two of you can go on as explorers together. Some couples have even found it helpful to each write down ten things they would like the other person to try and then each person can pick three things from the other person's list to add into their life together when they chose to over the next few weeks.&nbsp;

I have a lot on my mind, but all I want to do is stay locked in my room and not socialize with anyone. Why do I feel so alone?

There are many possible issues to consider as depression &nbsp;social anxieties, even medical illness. &nbsp;For some, even grief creates a sense of isolation, pains from relationship break up. &nbsp;Also, obsessive thinking can be debilitating. &nbsp;Seeking at least one trusted friend or family member can be a start towards increased personal support. &nbsp;Some persons may simply feel connected by spending time with someone as this, even if not talking directly on issues, just being around another is positive. &nbsp;Obviously there is more to explore on this question, given minimal information from two sentences.

I've felt this way for two years. I feel so much better now then I did when it started, but it is still there in the back of my mind at all times.

Best answer that I can give to you is that some level of de-personalization is quite normal for everyone, it will come and go throughout life, kind of like being on a roller-coaster, <span style="font-weight: bold;">"here it is, then it's gone not to return for quite some time", </span>like many things, the more that you fixate on it, the more stress it will cause you, consider it part of life, accept it, and move on, now if your having many, many ,many of these episodes or have some auditory or visual hallucination or disturbances or emotional unbalancing that accompany it than that is definitely something to look at, but for the most part nothing to worry about. Hope this helps, C

I have a lot on my mind, but all I want to do is stay locked in my room and not socialize with anyone. Why do I feel so alone?

It has been said that depression is often the result of a blocked goal. &nbsp;Often people struggle with both anxiety and depression but have difficulty determining which is the most important issue. For some, depression is the result of frequently blocked goals and when their predominant issues are evaluated, they discover that they are anxious (worried) about a lot of areas in their life but seem to find no relief. &nbsp;When there is no relief and there have been numerous attempts (either in their mind or in practical application) to resolve the anxiety, depression is often the result. &nbsp;In this type of case, depression is not the main or underlying issue. The anxiety is the underlying issue. &nbsp;Having "a lot on my mind" sounds like anxiety. Unresolved anxiety can lead to feelings of depression which are often associated with "emptiness." &nbsp; In the question above, I would want to evaluate all of the issues surrounding having "a lot on my mind" and determine where these might be coming from. Has there been ongoing rejection from peers? From family? If so, why does this seem to be happening? &nbsp;Isolation is often a protective measure that one implements to avoid further pain. Where does that need to protect originate? &nbsp;Are there unmet needs from childhood? Are there traumatic life events that have created a need to self-protect as a defense mechanism?&nbsp; We can feel "alone" even when in a crow of people or at a party. &nbsp;This has nothing, in this case, to do with being around people. It has more to do with how we view ourselves. &nbsp;If there is a prevailing message or script that has been internalized that says, "You are worth nothing" or "You don't deserve the company of others" then being around people will not alleviate the problem but only exacerbate it. I would want to evaluate how one feels about themselves and what negative messages one has received and has repeated to oneself over time.&nbsp; The Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy is a therapy aimed at addressing unmet childhood needs. If there is specific trauma that is associated with socializing with people, then EMDR can be very helpful in desensitizing and reprocessing the trauma. &nbsp; <span style="line-height: 1.42857;">Looking at whether this individual's issue with emptiness is straight depression or whether it is depression as a result of unresolved anxiety is key to determining a treatment strategy.&nbsp;</span>

I have no friends, no hobbies, and no interest in anything. I get annoyed with everything and everyone. I am always tired, i can sleep 8 hrs or 12 hrs and im still tired. I don't know what to do. Is this normal?

Hello, and thank you for your question. It certainly sounds like you don't like how things are going. Here are a few thoughts and ideas: 1. If you haven't seen a primary care provider in a while, you may want to. There are health conditions that can affect your mood and energy levels, even at your age. It doesn't hurt to get checked out. If they find the cause, they may be able to treat it and improve the symptoms. In addition, most primary care providers are trained to be able to manage medication for patients who have mild, moderate, and sometimes severe depression. So, don't be surprised if your primary care doctor offers to put you on an anti-depressant if they diagnose you with depression. Medication is not the only way to treat depression, but sometimes it is necessary depending on different factors. 2. You may want to consider counseling, since it is another effective way to treat depression. A counselor will help you explore the factors that may be leading to depressive symptoms in the first place. This could include thoughts, behaviors, beliefs, life experiences, and other things. 3. Finally, to answer your question about whether these feelings are "normal." These symptoms could be the sign of an underlying general health or mental health condition. It is important to remember that even if these symptoms are "abnormal" it doesn't mean that YOU are. Millions of people struggle with depression. So remember, the symptoms are the problem, not YOU. Hope this helps. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?

Hi, and thanks for your question. I agree with my colleagues about researching aintercourseuality, but I want too add a couple of things about that: Here is a website that you can start with to get some information about aintercourseuality - http://www.aintercourseuality.org/home/ There are a whole lot of myths surrounding aintercourseuality. One is that people who are aintercourseual have absolutely no interest in intercourse, and that is not always the case. There are variations of aintercourseuality. Some people who are aintercourseual have an interest in intercourse and others don't. Also, once you read more on this topic, you may find that you don't connect with aintercourseuality either, and that is okay. Our society usually thinks of intercourseual orientations&nbsp;as&nbsp;only being straight,&nbsp;gay, lesbian, or biintercourseual, but the truth is there are many variations of intercourseual orientations. Keep exploring. There is a good chance that there is a community of people who feel like you do. Finally, labels are important for a lot of things, but labeling ourselves can sometimes lead to some painful feelings. Try not to feel pressured to label yourself too quickly. This is your journey. Your experience. Take all the time you need.&nbsp;You may never feel the need to label&nbsp;how you feel, and that is okay, too. Hope this helps. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC &nbsp;

It's really hard to not have negative feelings about friends who don't put any effort into nourishing our relationship.

One thing I would ask is "why are you still hanging with those {<span style="font-weight: bold;">friends}</span>?" A relationship needs to be nurtured by both parties, it is a dynamic fluctuation between two people. I would ask you to question why you continue to remain together as friends, I always believed that a relationship should emit positivity towards all parties involved, if your in a relationship that is one-sided, it is inevitable that it will start to de-compensate. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Never travel with the circus, never travel with fools, </span>everything in life should have some positive payout, will things at times be negative, of course they will, but in order to keep something or someone in your life there should be more positivity than negativity. Hope this helps, C

I was in a relationship for almost five years. We were friends for a few years before we got into a relationship. He was a caring, friendly, and charming guy up until three and a half years in. He started controlling me: who I hung out with, where I was at all times, and he had a huge hissy fit if I tried to ask him the same questions. All that time, he just liked me as a friend and was cheating on me with my so-called friends. At the end, he was a nasty and narcissistic person. Now it's hard to be social.

It sounds like you had a very confusing and painful experience in this relationship, and now you feel hesitant to let yourself get close to people. It is understandable that when we are hurt in relationships, we may have trouble trusting and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with others. Therapy is a great place to explore the roots of present difficulties in relationships, to unpack what happened in prior relationships, and to find new ways to show up in relationships so that we can have the relaxed intimacy that we want. Often, relationship difficulties represent patterns of relating that we learn early in life which we may feel compelled to act on outside of our awareness and therapy provides an opportunity to become more aware of these patterns so that we can change them, enabling us to feel secure and to seek out satisfying companionship.

Ive been in an on an off relationship with a this man for almost 3 years. Even though I care about him, he continues to hurt me. He and his wife were separated when we met. Now he's going through a really difficult divorce from her and is taking it really hard. I want to end this relationship, but I don't feel like I can. How can I let go?

Hello, and thank you for your question. Boy, ending relationships&nbsp;is tough, isn't it? Sometimes it's tough even when we are 100% sure that it is the right thing to do! I am going to give you some of my thoughts, and hopefully some colleagues will add some others. One of the things that I want to point out is that "letting go" is not really a <i>thing. </i>In other words, it's not really something you can reach out and grab. It's more of a process. This is good news, because you don't necessarily have to be at&nbsp;the end of the process to end an unhealthy relationship. We just have to accept that there will be feelings that come up even after the relationship is over. For example, someone can end an unhealthy relationship today, but then be reminded of the good times on what would&nbsp;have been their "anniversary." This could make the person very sad. They may even regret ending the relationship for a little while. It would important, then, for the person to remind themselves why the relationship needed to end, and that they are healthier because of it. This is relevant for you. It's hard to walk away from a relationship. We fear all kinds of things, including being single! Sometimes it's helpful to compare what you are getting out of the relationship to what you want from a relationship. It's helpful to be honest about what we have given up for an unhealthy relationship. It's fine to admit uncertainly about ending things. It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to have moments of doubt and sadness along with a dash of guilt. And even with all of that,&nbsp;someone&nbsp;can still leave if it is the healthiest thing for them. They can have sadness later on, and still not go back. It sounds like you are feeling responsible for making sure he is okay because of this divorce. The truth is that there is not necessarily a "perfect" time to end any relationship. There would be no guarantee that he would be doing any better after the divorce. Sometimes&nbsp;NOT making&nbsp;decisions stresses us out A LOT more than making a decision and living with the consequences, both good and bad. You may be at that crossroads. Be well.. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

After I told them, they yelled at me.

Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry that this was your experience with your family. I truly wish I&nbsp;could give you some things to say to them that would change their reaction, but unfortunately I can't do that. Their acceptance of you&nbsp;is a journey, just like coming out is a journey for you. Sometimes families initially respond this way, but after time they become more accepting and even supportive. Unfortunately, there is no way to know for sure if that will happen. So, here are a few things I would suggest: Surround yourself with people and things that remind you that you really are okay as you are. That won't take the place of your family's acceptance, and I won't even pretend that it would, but it may help during those days when it hurts the most. And that is really important. Patience is not something that many of us are really good at, but this type of situation sometimes forces you to have some. When families first learn something like this, they may go through a period of shock. And then sometimes even grieving. They may even be worried if they are of a particular religion where being biintercourseual is forbidden. These things can take time for them to reconcile, so it may just take some patience. If it is safe for you, try to talk to them, but if it becomes painful or hurtful then you have the right to walk away. I do recommend setting up&nbsp;some personal boundaries for yourself, and perhaps learn some assertiveness skills if you feel you struggle with them. The reason I feel that this is important is that people sometimes take a lot of abuse from family members and friends in times like you're describing. They may want to be accepted so much that they put themselves in hurtful positions over and over again hoping that their families will come around. They may, or they may not. And if they don't, you deserve to live a life free of abuse and to feel confident and assured of who you are. To be surrounded by folks who remind you of that.&nbsp; If you start&nbsp;seeing this pattern and you are struggling, chatting with&nbsp;counselor may be a great idea. I am bias probably, but I think chatting with a counselor is ALWAYS a good idea. :)&nbsp; Hope this helps. Be well. Be you. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?

A mediated safe talk session between. You and your sister. Then, you and your husband have a mediated safe talk. &nbsp;S<span style="line-height: 1.42857143;">o both hear what you feel in the respective relationships.&nbsp;</span> <span style="line-height: 1.42857143;">Possibly the last step is a mediated &nbsp;safe talk with sister, husband and youcoversation, in the future.</span>

It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?

What is going on in your life that brings up more sensitivity to the affair? The best way of handling your hurt is by noticing your own feelings and the current circumstances that increase your sense of pain. Concentrate on your own life and making your life the best it can be.

Ive been in an on an off relationship with a this man for almost 3 years. Even though I care about him, he continues to hurt me. He and his wife were separated when we met. Now he's going through a really difficult divorce from her and is taking it really hard. I want to end this relationship, but I don't feel like I can. How can I let go?

First decide what you truly would like in the current relationship. Understand your reasons for staying in the relationship. Three years is a substantial amount of time to be involved with someone. &nbsp; Whatever attachment you feel toward this man is deep and complex. Instead of deciding to leave or not leave, change your question to figuring out your satisfactions and dissatisfaction with the man.&nbsp; Also important is to tell the man your feelings. Whatever problem you are feeling may become clarified by discussing what bothers you. At the very least, you will give the guy a chance to show how interested he actually is in the tension you currently feel and have felt for a while.

I am going through a divorce. He is extremely angry. He refuses to physically assist me with our teenager daughter. I have no extended family support. Often times, I feel overwhelmed, tired, and joyless. I feel out of control, sad and depressed on a daily basis. I am just going through the motions of life every day. I am in my mid-50s. I have almost 29 years on my job. How can I handle this?

Going through a divorce is often a very low point for the people involved. Are you surprised that your soon to be ex doesn't help with your teenage daughter? Usually patterns and dynamics in parenting are not &nbsp;sudden developments. Is it possible that what you're feeling now is more intensity to the stress of parenting by yourself, not that this is a sudden problem? This is relevant because you may be more familiar and more capable than you're giving yourself credit. &nbsp; The lack of emotional support is definitely stressful. Your parenting skills may still be at the level at which they were prior to the divorce. Take your emotional weariness seriously and reflect on the various ways of stress relief which are available and interest you. Give yourself extra time to rest, nurture yourself and be flexible in finding what feels right for stabilizing yourself. Since you talk about your daughter and help in physical ways, if it is a matter of strength that you need, talk with your attorney so that the child custody agreement includes whatever is physically necessary in the way of strength, in taking care of your daughter. The Courts are very good at making effort that the custody agreement offers proper care to the kids.

When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I'm afraid it's going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.

Its hard to answer this question based on the information presented but I shall give it a go, Is it possible that your daughter is <span style="font-weight: bold;">afraid of failing</span>, I've seen many children and kids who get stressed out over grades or performance in sports, can you tell me "what was <span style="font-weight: bold;">your </span>grade in fourth grade English? Or what was the score of the 7th game <span style="font-weight: bold;">you </span>played in football when you were a junior? Much of what happens to us is insignificant and we worry over things which really , in the long term don't matter much to us. But ask yourself this question, Is your daughters reaction to what is going grossly out of proportion with what would normally be expected, if the answer is yes, a visit to a psychotherapist might not be a bad idea to learn some coping skills and to alter our reaction to life.

I believe my partner has a masturbation and porn problem. He masturbates daily, even when I am lying in bed sleeping beside him. We have intercourse once a week. He is rough and worries about his needs. He never touches me, and treats me like a porn star, wanting to finish on my face or chest.

It sounds like your in quite a rough place, my recommendation just based on what you type might warrant a visit to a psychotherapist to resolve what may be going on, I am not entirely sure but it sounds like he might have a bit of a intercourse addiction problem. One thing you need to ask yourself is "Am I happy?", "Do I feel loved?", these are deep questions, but the answers to those questions will give you a direction to travel in.

My motivation has gone away. It's hard to get out of bed. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm miserable. My anxiety and depression have taken over my life.

Anxiety and Depression are challenging experiences to live with and to manage on a daily basis. I would say that both are challenges to overcome but solutions to living healthy and well exist. Step 1: Talk about it. With friends, family, partners, counselors, and other trusted people in your life. Step 2: Create a plan with a counselor to learn new skills that help you recognize and manage your symptoms. Step 3: Don't give up. Working on yourself can be difficult and hard at the beginning. Stick with it and you will be able to find exercises, tools, and resources that help you live well.

We've been dating for two months now. I have a heavy past that gets him angry. Does he have a right to penalize me for things I did before I met him?

How is he penalizing you? Have you asked for his reasons for wanting to know about your heavy past? His answers may be very different than that he would like penalizing you. What you can do is explain how pressured you feel by his questions. Ideally, the two of you will become much closer by talking openly about your respective discomforts and wishes from the other.

I am a young adult, and I was intercourseually assaulted by an older man when I was a teenager (which has really intensified the guilt/shame). However, I've been attracted to much older men since I was even younger than that.

Sometimes the reason for being attracted to older men is because of growing up with a father who was distant. <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">If you grew up having enough interaction with your dad to know you'd have liked more and didn't receive this, then maybe your longings of childhood are still active within you.</span> <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">It is ok to like older men.</span> <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Just be sure you're not idealizing them, or anyone else.</span> <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Because regardless of age, a relationship is based on who the two people really are, not how we'd like imagining them.</span>

It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?

Emotional pain is different from physical pain that way, isn't it? Even many years later, an old wound can be ripped open again by a small trigger. You were betrayed by two people close to you. That's a complex injury. I don't know whether you're still in the marriage or not, or whether your sister is still in your life. Perhaps not, as your contact with her seems to be through watching her facebook activity.&nbsp; I'm curious about why you're just now seeing her facebook posts again. Are you feeling more open lately to seeing how she's doing in her life? I guess if you were open to having your sister even in the periphery of your life again, you will have to figure out how to handle those triggers. If you can't, maybe consider unfollowing her or detaching from facebook for a while.&nbsp; So your sister is happy, or she at least appears happy. Your mind might go to some unhelpful places, like "She doesn't regret the affair" (you don't know that), "She doesn't deserve happiness" (that would be a harsh judgement), or "She doesn't care that I'm hurt" (again, there's no evidence of that). Where does your mind go? It's important to identify your worst thoughts in connection to her.&nbsp; When you have those worst thoughts identified, ask yourself "What evidence supports that thought as truth?" It's likely that either there's no evidence, or that the truth is so far from you that you can't know what she's feeling or thinking, which makes having those thoughts pretty futile. A therapist can help you determine what emotions are being triggered here. It doesn't help you and your happiness to carry around resentment, ill wishes, or the need for revenge. Forgiveness is not about saying that something was "okay". It's about saying "It happened. I accept that I can't change it, and I don't want to carry the emotional burden around all the time". Forgiveness is putting it down. She... (trust me this is true)...she carries her own burden of shame for what she did. For you to spend time feeling angry doesn't affect her burden. It only adds to yours.&nbsp; Can you find the tender emotion under your anger? You're hurt. Validate that hurt. Honour that hurt. Take care of that hurt. You can stay away from people who disregard your needs, and you have the power to forgive those who make mistakes out of their simple humanity if you want them in your life.&nbsp; If you continue to struggle, please seek the help of a professional who can assist you in navigating these waters. :)

My husband and I are in our 40s. We've been married 17 years. Three weeks ago, he said he loves me but is not in love with me. He was going to leave me, but he said he thought about it and decided to stay. I don't know how to feel any more. How should I take what he said and not feel so hurt? He has been very blunt, and hurtful words just come out of his mouth. He makes me feel like I'm nothing, but I so dearly love him with everything in me. He said it wasn't a mid-life crisis.

I get it. Your husband tells you that he's not in love with you, but oops, he's changed his mind and will tolerate you for a while longer? Excuse me? My Dear, it's okay if you expect more than that from a marriage. Maybe the question has shifted from whether he is happy in the marriage to whether you are happy in the marriage. You say you love this man, &nbsp;who makes you "feel like nothing". I say it might be time to sit down with an individual therapist and look objectively at your marriage and whether it's working for you.&nbsp;

We've been dating for two months now. I have a heavy past that gets him angry. Does he have a right to penalize me for things I did before I met him?

Not in my book. You're only two months in? At this early stage, this is a bit of a warning sign. If he can't accept or feel comfortable with who you are and decisions you've made, there's already a level of discomfort here that shouldn't be ignored. No, he doesn't have the right to penalize you or punish you ...not just for past things...not for anything. What he does get to do it tell you how it affects him. Sure...if he feels uncomfortable or needs reassurance...listen to those things. But If he doesn't dig who you are, maybe he can walk the other way.&nbsp;