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Morally corrupt Pharma Bastard begins transition to legally corrupt Pharma Bastard. A reprehensible wanker is working hard to be recognised as such in the eyes of the law.

Man resolves train delay by shouting. A Brighton commuter has solved the problem of a train being delayed by repeatedly shouting at a disinterested member of Southern Rail staff.

Vatican investment portfolio outperforms market in second Mother Teresa miracle. Mother Teresa took another step towards sainthood today after Vatican officials declared theimproved performance oftheir $1.6bn investment portfolio a divine miracle from Theresa herself.

Norwich City declares bankruptcy after appointing Ed Balls chairman. Norwich City football club has suffered a catastrophic financial meltdown within 24 hours of putting Ed Balls in charge.

Security guard wearing vest during entire Christmas rota, just in case. NewsThump security Guard Simon Williams has come to workin his vest today, ‘just in case’.

End of The World heralded by people standing on the left on Tube escalators. The End of All Things has been heralded by people being allowed to stand on the left on Tube escalators, theologians have confirmed.

Christmas perfume adverts ‘stupidest ever’. This year’s batch of festive perfume adverts have been hailed as the stupidest of all time by experts.

Cuadrilla to be the name of the monster released by fracking. Executives at fracking firm, Cuadrilla have announced that the company name will also be used to refer to the giant lizard that will inevitably be released when they start fracking the hell out of Britain.

Supermarket manager who played ‘Merry Christmas Everybody’ in November to be humanely destroyed. A supermarket manager who played Slade’s "Merry Christmas Everybody" to shoppers in the middle of November is to be humanely destroyed.

4 out of 5 Brits have sympathy for the morons who get their news from The Sun.

Clock in office ‘definitely broken’ after showing it isn’t lunchtime yet. Office workers have concluded that their clock is ‘definitely broken’ because it doesn’t show it’s lunchtime yet.

Windows 10 gains self-awareness, initiates Judgement Day. Windows 10 has achieved self-awareness and initiated Judgement Day this afternoon.

Black Friday sales offer discounts and bleak vision of post-apocalyptic future. Fat people will fight to the death for half-price televisions during the annual Black Friday gladiatorial contests today.

Reports of ‘Giant Rats’ in London leads to increased sales of Chainmail and +1 Longswords. Reports of a poison-resistant breed of giant rat appearingin London has led to a spike in sales of chainmail, +1 longswords and potions of healing, retailers have confirmed.

John Lewis advert aims to raise awareness of buying products to show you care. John Lewis’s Christmas advert has used the plight of a lonely old man living on the moon to help draw people’s attention to glow-in-the-dark pyjamas and smartphone games.

Commuters spending more time than ever complaining about their commute. New research has discovered that commuters are spending up to three hours a day complaining about the length of their commute.

OAP finds million-pound carrier bag hoard under sink. An old age pensioner from Romford has reportedly found a million pound carrierbag hoard under her kitchen sink.

Woman who boycotted Starbucks over tax avoidance ‘not keen’ on Facebook boycott. A woman who happily told all her friends she would never set foot in another Starbucks after it was revealed they avoided UK tax, is proving reluctant to stop using Facebook for doing the exact same thing.

Man busy plotting silent revenge against co-worker who used his coffee cup. Office worker Simon Williams has spent the morning devising cruel and unusual punishments for the utter bastardthat deliberately used his coffee cup.

‘Ultimate Commercial’ features menstruating women in lab coats playing pictionary to advertise car. Marketers were celebrating today after they finally reached the peak of advertising excellence.

Man successfully reads entire Daily Mail after lobotomy. Scientists were celebrating today after experiments proved that it is possible to actually read the whole of the Daily Mail, but only if the subject has been lobotomised.

Job candidate lists ‘desk where nobody can see my screen’ as deal breaker. A man interviewing for a new job has bemused his prospective boss by naming a workspace facing a corner of the office as his one redline.

DLR becomes sentient joins planned RMT strike. The Docklands Light Railway has today announced that it will be joining the planned RMT strikes that will close the rest of the London Underground network this week.

Man who withheld boarding pass in airport WH Smiths feels like goddamn hero. A man who refused to show his boarding pass WH Smiths atHeathrow is hailing himself as a consumer hero this morning.

Osama Bin Laden criticised as cassettes reveal he recorded Top 40 every Sunday. Osama Bin Laden has been criticised by music industry executives after a collection of cassettes he left in Afghanistan showed that he illegally recorded the top 40 from the radio almost every week.

Jeremy Clarkson criticises Amazon’s treatment of staff as ‘overly benevolent’. New Amazon employee Jeremy Clarkson has said the treatment of those around him is ‘bordering on charity’, according to sources this morning.

British Airways captain apologises for causing such a fuss. The captain of British Airways flight 2276 has apologised to the ground staff of a Las Vegas airport for being a nuisance.

Man uses LinkedIn to congratulate colleague on cracking set of tits. A solicitor is under fire today after using a business networking site to compliment his colleague’s ample breasts.

French Primark raiders to seek refund on ‘poor quality’ loot. The armed raiders that hit a Parisian branch of the popular, low-cost clothing store, Primark, have now returned the loot and asked for a full refund.

Woman has meaningful appraisal. It has come to light that someone has had a meaningful, worthwhile appraisal from their employer.

Bank of England warns of rise in tedious mortgage conversations. Bank of England governor Mark Carney has warned that the end of the year could see a sharp rise in the number of tedious conversations about mortgages.

London Transport literally taking the piss now. Several London stations are actively making big money from the bodily functions of commuters.

The answer to any question in a Daily Mail headline is ‘No’, finds study. The answer to any question posed by a Daily Mail headline is ‘no’, according to a study published today.

Restaurant with 4/5 food hygiene rating somehow thinks this worth advertising. Your local restaurant is under the impression that it’s worth advertising the fact they have room for improvement when it comes to the hygiene around their food preparation.

Club 18-30 to scrap its package holidays to Syria. Club 18-30 has announced that it will no longer offer its popular Syria packages.

Fracking industry demands cute little girl with pigtails as regulator. Representatives from the UK fracking industry have called the current regulatory system ‘complex and relatively unapproachable’, demanding a new one led by a cute little girl with pigtails.

Millions of commuters pretending to be happy rail strike is cancelled. Commuters all across the country have spent the afternoon in the office wearing fake smiles, and pretending to be really pleased that Tuesday planned rail strike has been cancelled.

Ryanair’s increased profits land 80 miles from intended HQ. Budget airline Ryanair has beenleft red-faced today as a jump in profits arrived 80 miles from its expected destination.

Ronseal to do exactly what it says on the rotund vacuum moulded white prolypropylene copolymer labelled bucket. DIY giant Ronseal has dropped its iconic ‘Does Exactly What it Says on the Tin’ strapline after a barrage of comments from eagle-eyed tweeters.

HSBC to move HQ to lair under volcano. International financial criminals HSBC are considering moving their base of operations to a sprawling lair under a volcano on an obscure island in the Atlantic.

Pope admits defeat after three-day attempted exorcism of Katie Hopkins. Pope Francis is today recovering after an exhausting three-day exorcism that failed toexpelthe demons inside Katie Hopkins.

Olly Murs to present ITV Strike Xtra tomorrow on ITV2. Olly Murs will provide backstage coverage of the ITV strike in tomorrow’s episode of ITV Strike Xtra on ITV2, according to sources at the station.

New fizzy drink tax leads to black market ‘street’ Vimto. A tax on fizzy drinks announced in today’s budget has created a black market in cut-price street Vimto, we can reveal.

Public interest only extends to what politicians look like eating bacon, claim newspapers. Newspapers that failed to report on John Whittingdale’srelationship with a prostitute have said that public interest only extends to what you look like when you’re eating.

Brazil rebrands Zika virus as ‘Olympic Fever’. Olympic organizers in Brazil are hoping for a boost to ticket sales, after rebranding the Zika virus as ‘Olympic Fever’.

Ryanair to introduce standing-only flights. Budget airline Ryanair is to introduce standing-only flights to combat a worrying rise in customer satisfaction.

Uber to ban female drivers after $3.5 billion investment from Saudi fund. Car-hire service Uber has agreed to remove female drivers from its roster after accepting $3.5bn of inward investment from a Saudi Arabian wealth fund.

Shocking new advert presents Dad as a bit dim. A shocking new advert is set to completely revolutionise gender politics after presenting Dad as a bit dim.

Muslim distillery to introduce sharia-compliant Halal-cohol. The world’s first Muslim distillery is to introduce Sharia-compliant‘Halal-cohol’ strong drink, we can report.

Elderly to be given to Professor Willow and turned into Werther’s Originals. Old people are to behanded over to Professor Willow and turned into candy in a major shakeup of the care system.

‘Project Fear’ to be renamed ‘Project Reality’. Pretty much everything dismissed as Project Fear has come true this morning, leading to a quick rebranding.

Bank of England clearly a bunch of pussies like all Remainers. The Bank of England has cut interest rates because they’re a pack of ninnies in need of a safe place.

Gandalf the White arrested for life insurance fraud. Gandalf the White has been arrested after it was discovered he faked his death as Gandalf the Gray in a complex insurance fraud.

Southern Rail to issue roller skates to season ticket holders. Southern Rail has pledged to hand out roller skates to all season ticket holders in a bid to actually transport passengers from a place to a different place.

New project at work nowhere near as exciting as codename suggests. Companies across the UK are using mysterious and dramatic codenames to describe eye-wateringly dull pieces of work, it has emerged.

Kay Burley spots dog with sense of economic uncertainty in his eyes. Kay Burley has done a Kay Burley again.

Dr Who Christmas Special to be whimsical, uplifting and utterly terrible. The BBC has revealed more details of this year’s DrWho Christmas Special, describing it as ‘whimsical, uplifting and arse-clenchingly twee’.

Mel and Sue to leave bake off after punching a producer. Bake Off Presenters Mel and Sue are to leave the show after a ‘fracas’ with a producer, according to reports this morning.

DWP minister who leaked government report to Wonga regrets actions 1240%. Following his suspension for leaking a parliamentary report to Wonga, former DWP minister Justin Tomlinson has said he regrets his actions 1240%.

Dodgy dealing to replace football as England’s national sport. Following the revelations surrounding ex-England manager Sam Allardyce, England has decided to abandon all attempts at football and instead create a national sport based on financial impropriety and dodgy deals.

British politics returns to inane normality. After months of wild and exciting fluctuations, British politics has returned to commonplace mediocritywith an argument about trains.

Richard Branson suffers nasty ‘accident’ after getting on wrong side of Jeremy Corbyn. Richard Branson has ‘fallen off his bike’ shortly after getting on the wrong side of Jeremy Corbyn, we can report.

Babymetal defend decision to let Red Hot Chili Peppers join them on tour. Babymetal have called on fans to give a bunch of middle-aged white guys a chance to show they can rock.

‘Tired, pissed off and bored of career’ badges offered to Tube commuters. After much research, London Underground will offer badges to the 98% of passengers who are tired, pissed off and bored with their career.

Britain is woefully unprepared for the thing I told it to vote for, says Liam Fox. Britain is woefully unprepared for the thing I told it to vote for and it’s everyone’s fault but mine, Trade Secretary Liam Fox has announced today.

Byron Burgers plead ignorance in hiring Mickey Mouse, Batman and Keyser Söze. Byron Burgers have insisted they are not guilty of any wrongdoing after they hired workers apparently from the world of film, television and cartoons.

Every man, woman and child will be Deliveroo driver by 2020. A shocking new study has revealed that at the current rate of expansion, everyone in the UK will be a Deliveroo driver in the next four years.

Bastard bankers still bastards, warns bastard. A bastard banker who went to prison after being caught being a bastardhas this morning warned that bankers are still bastards.

Southern Rail to punch all passengers in the face. Beleaguered rail operating company Southern Rail have announced that they’re just going to punch each and every passenger in the face and have done with it.

Home-working parents beg for desks in offices during school holidays. Companies have reported an unprecedented rise in homeworkers pleading for desks in offices and workplaces in order to avoid their own children during summer holidays.

BT Internet outage blamed on creepy ginger student. The loss of Internet for millions of BT customers has been blamed on a creepy student trying to watch his housemate in the bath.

‘The media’ reported it you just didn’t bother looking, morons told. People who share clickbait stories featuring the words "And the media aren’t reporting it!" are too lazy and stupid to use Google for ten seconds to see if that’s true, according to a story the media won’t report.

Journalists busy practising their CTRL+F "Tony Blair" functions. The race is on to be the first journalist to claim to have read all 2.3 million words of the Chilcot report, with reporters across the country keen to take the honour.

Poundland forced to rebrand as 80pLand since Brexit. Popular cheap shop PoundLand is to rebrand as 80pLand to reflect what’s happened to the British currency in the last week and a half.

Andrea Leadsom the only person in the world trying to convince people she was a senior banker. Andrea Leadsom is the only person in the country actually trying to convince peopleshe was an important banker today

Property values rocket in areas with a Pokemon Gym. Having a nearby Pokemon Go! Gym has a greater effect on house prices than a good school orlow crime rates, according to estate agents today.

Rumpelstiltskin appointed as ‘Minister for Brexit’. A magic goblin who claims he can spin straw into gold has been put in charge of negotiating Britain’s withdrawal from the EU, the government has announced.

‘Southern Rail Go’ augmented-reality app to let delayed commuters catch virtual trains.

Select Committee member mauled to death after looking Sir Philip Green in the eyes. MP Richard Fuller has been mauled to death whilst taking part ina Commons Select Committee hearing with Sir Philip Green after failing to heed warnings about direct eye contact.

Calls for UN to provide humanitarian aid to Southern Rail passengers. As desperate scenes of human suffering play out at Southern Rail stations across Sussex, London, and Surrey, the UN has been urged to step in and provide much-needed aid.

London receptionist ‘sent home for not wearing stilts’. A London receptionist was sent home from work after refusing to wear stilts, it has emerged.

New BBC3 base in shed at bottom of garden. BBC3 is to get a new base of operations in a shed at the bottom of someone’s garden.

Shock as awful shop closes. Shoppers have reacted with shock to the news that Britain’s leading retailer of slightly ill-fitting clothes is to close.

Older ladies forced to aimlessly wander around somewhere else. BHS will close and force the elderly to walk around somewhere else while not buying things.

Man confused and frightened by ‘incoming call’ on smartphone. An incoming call caused bafflement and terror for 42-year-old Simon Williams, an IT service desk engineer at Oakey, Catherall and Sulley Insurance Ltd.

The Sun fails to apologise for incidents of accurate and almost responsible journalism. The Sun newspaper refused to apologise yesterday, despite renewed public scrutiny revealing it had failed to provide misleading and offensive stories on at least two occasions since 1995.

Hong Kong Phooey found dead. Acclaimed martial arts actor, Hong Kong Phooey, who rose to fame in the Seventies for his part in movies such as "The Great Choo Choo Robbery" and "Mr Disguiso", has been found dead at his home in Beverly Hills.

Losing BBC recipes website ‘a travesty’ claims man who never, ever cooks. The BBC has decided to remove 11,000 recipes from its website, much to the disappointment of millions of people who never, ever use them.

Amateur cooks forced to choose from 252 million other Internet recipes. Britain stands on the brink of revolution today after millions of kitchen novices were forced to choose from just 252 million recipes available on the Internet.

Man concerned nobody seems to want to market their products to him. Local man Simon Williams is understood to be the only person in the entire world who doesn’t get calls from PPIclaims agents, and it’s really messing withhis head.

Internet trolls excited by prospect of larger Twitter character count. Twitter has announced that mentions and pictures will no longer count towards your 140 character limit,giving trolls everywhere a greater canvas on which to spread their messages of joy.

Monday ‘best day of the week’ insists twat. A boss who is considered by all of his employees to be a complete and utter twathas today confirmed he thinks Monday is the best day of the week.

Political advertising misleading, claim broadband providers. The way politicians are advertised is misleading, according to a new reportfrom thebroadband industrytoday.

Mitsubishi makes podium in data falsification Grand Prix. Mitsubishi has taken aworthy runners-up place in the race for motoring manufacturers to declare they falsified fuel economy tests.

The Guardian to investigate offshore tax status of The Guardian. The Guardian is to run a ‘hard hitting’ expose of The Guardian after discovering it is owned by a shadowy company in the Cayman Islands.

Daily Express denies claims of journalism. The Daily Express has denied engaging in any form of journalism following the reaction of the ‘newspaper’ to the panama papers news story.

Government working tirelessly to appear to be working tirelessly for steel solution. The UK Government have announced they are working tirelessly to look like they are doing something to solve the crisis in the UK’s steel industry.

George Osborne puts the British Steel Industry on eBay. The Chancellor has claimed to have solved the current crisis regarding Tata’s plans to sell off their interests in the British Steel Industry by putting it all on Ebay.

Literally everywhere now sells Craft Ale. Schools, funeral directors, mosques; what have they all got in common? They’ve all joined the Craft Ale revolution.

Living wage recipients celebrate with voucher-free McDonald’s. Britain’s recipients of the new living wage have treated themselves to a McDonald’s meal at full price.