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Coca-Cola posts trademark claim against ‘Hokey Cokey’. Children will have to change their song name to the ‘Hokey Cola-ey’ or pay substantial royalties, according to a trademark claim submitted by the Coca Cola corporation today.

Bananaman vs Supergran breaks box office records. CBBC blockbuster Bananaman vs Supergran has broken box-office records in its first weekend of release.

National Express unveils new ‘bullet’ coach. National Express are to unveil a high-speed link that could see its coaches travel from Leeds to London in as little as 36 hours.

Civil unrest feared as biscuit shortage strikes Britain. The government is reported to be considering deploying the army to prevent riots and looting after a shortage ofbiscuitswas reported today.

Being ‘f**king bored’ not a valid reason for sick leave, finds tribunal. An employment tribunal has ruled that it is not acceptable for employees to take sick leave because they are ‘f**king bored.’

Taxpayers queuing up to try Facebook’s ‘pay what you think is fair’ tax model. Taxpayers across the country have insisted that ‘paying how much tax you think is fair’ sounds like a great way to run the economy.

BMW driver torn between honking at old lady on crossing or just revving his engine. A BMW driver is completely torn over whether he should blasthis horn or rev his engine at an old lady crossing the road today.

But we’ve done such a spectacular job regulating ourselves, insists British press. The UK press has criticised a new press regulator being given the Royal Charter, insisting their own self-regulation has been going absolutely swimmingly.

Donald Trump to prevent automation of jobs by deporting robots to Mexico. President-elect Donald Trump has pledged to prevent American jobs being automated by deporting robots to Mexico.

Daily Mail editor has David Cameron’s testicles on display at home. Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre keeps David Cameron’s testicles in a display case at home, according to reports today.

Microsoft to fuck with Windows again. Just when you’ve got used to Windows 10, Microsoft has confirmed it is going to mess it all up again.

Hilda Ogden expresses anger at EU’s workplace headscarf ban. News that the EU will allow the banning of headscarves in the workplace has been greeted with outrage by well-known headscarf wearer Hilda Ogden.

Polite notice certainly isn’t.

Donald Trump and Pope agree $110bn arms deal. The Vatican has defended signing a huge arms deal with the USA this morning, saying Donald Trump can be ‘unexpectedly persuasive’ when you’re in the same room.

Daily Mail praises Theresa May for teaming up with right kind of terrorist sympathisers. The Daily Mail has expressed admiration for Theresa May for getting some right dodgy bastards to help her out.

Ready when you are, EU tells Britain. The clock is ticking, the EU has gently reminded Britain today.

‘The Canary’ website wins Booker Prize for fiction. Popular clickbait site ‘The Canary’ has been awarded the 2017 Booker Prize for Fiction.

Value of human life plummets against the pound. The value of human life has plummeted against the pound following reports that government ministers failed to act on expert warnings about inadequate fire safety rules.

People behind Grenfell Tower refurbishment delighted to see nation turn on Hotpoint. The businesses and politicians involved in the refurbishment of Grenfell Tower are today delighted to see the nation’s anger being directed at people who make kitchen appliances.

Angry toddler recruited to head up baggage handling at Luton airport. An angry toddler throwing his toys around the room has been described as the ‘perfect candidate’ to head up baggage handling at Luton airport.

Trump tax cuts will be covered by Mexico paying the entire US budget, pledges White House. Almost a trillion dollars of tax cuts will be covered by Mexico paying the US budget, Donald Trump has pledged today.Not

Google fined a record two ‘DUP confidence and supply agreements’ by EU. Google have been fined a record two DUP confidence and supply agreements by the EU for distorting the online shopping market.

Britain’s coffee fans happy to drink any old shit, finds new study. British coffee drinkers can’t get enough of iced coffee drinks laced with human faeces, a study has found.

Iceberg now free to negotiate trade deals with the entire world. An iceberg the size of Wales which broke away from Antarctica today is keen to pursue a trade deal with South Georgia, it has announced.

‘Cash in hand’ economy definitely best place to look for tax avoidance, insist multinational corporations. Billion dollar companies doing business in the UK have today backed calls for the government to try and raise more tax revenue from the guy you pay to clean your windows.

Ten-year colleagues still quite happy not knowing each other’s names. Two people who have worked together for ten years still refer to each other solely as "mate".

Call centre employee treated for shock after man admits to being in an accident that wasn’t their fault. A call centre employee was treated for shock yesterday after someone they’d cold-called admitted that they had been involved in an accident that wasn’t their fault.

Daily Mail rages at Labour’s ‘back to the 1970s’ manifesto because it would prefer to go back to the 1930s. The Daily Mail has criticised Labour’s leaked manifesto for trying to drag Britain back to the 1970s, when in their view it should go back even further.

Employee tells co-worker seeking friend he just wants to remain colleagues. An employee has expressed zero interest in becoming mates with his co-worker seeking a friend, saying that he just wants to remain colleagues.

UKIP fury as Ryanair impose ban on crayons and colouring books. UKIP members of the European Parliament have reacted angrily after budget airline Ryanair announced that UK passengers would not be allowed to bring colouring-in books or crayons onto any of their flights to Brussels.

Canada to legalise marijuana to help them cope with living next to America. Prime Minister Trudeau says his new domestic policy will be to get baked and wait for the neighbours to their south to chill out a bit.

Church of England accused of airbrushing Jesus into history. The Church of England has been accused by confectioners of airbrushing a fictional superherowith magic powers into the country’s history.

Theresa May furious about Easter Eggs while visiting country where blasphemers are beheaded. Theresa May has spoken of her outrage that the word ‘Easter’ has been removed from posters for an Easter Egg Hunt while taking time out from a busy trip getting chummy with people who behead people found guilty of blasphemy.

New evidence of banking corruption will be ignored without delay, pledges Government. The Government has pledged to immediately ignore new evidence that implicates board-level bankers and the Bank of England in the Libor-fixing scandal.

United Airlines confirms that beatings will continue until volunteering improves. United Airlines have confirmed that they are no longer troubled by overbooked flights in what they have renamed ‘Club Class’.

Donald Trump calls United Airlines ‘my kinda people’ after they forcibly dragged foreign-looking man off plane. President Trump has been quick to herald United Airlines staff and security as ‘my kind of people’ after footage emerged online of an elderly foreign-looking doctor being violently thrown off a plane.

Chirpy charity prick in a chicken costume not helping. It has been widely reported that a chirpy charity prick in a chicken costume is making everyone’s morning considerably worse.

Cadbury respond to recent criticism with launch of limited edition ‘Crucifixion Freddo’. After recent criticism by the Prime Minister and Church of England, Cadburys have shown their commitment to the tradition of Easter with the launch of a limited edition Crucifixion Freddo.

Rupert Murdoch launches bid to acquire Ofcom. Following a setback to Rupert Murdoch’s plans for the £11.7bn takeover of Sky, the media mogul has refocused his efforts in achieving total media domination by launching a new bid to acquire Ofcom.

George Osborne reassures Evening Standard staff that his experience in being out of his depth is second to none. Former Chancellor George Osborne has moved to reassure staff at the London Evening Standard that no-one has more experience of being completely out of their depth than he does.

Debenhams becomes first UK retailer to be free of racist fuckwits. Debenhams has become the UK’s first racist-free store.

Newcastle United 2017/18 kit to feature crotchless shorts as Mike Ashley bids for Agent Provocateur. Newcastle United’s players will adorn high-leg crotchless shorts for the 2017/18 season, after Mike Ashley’s Sports Direct look to take over ailing lingerie firm Agent Provocateur.

Donald Trump to let daughter Ivanka set up clothing stall on White House lawn. Donald Trump has reacted to Nordstrom dropping his daughter’s clothing line by agreeing to let her set up a stall to sell clothes to White House visitors.

Ford announces ‘Wanker’ driving mode for new Focus ST. Ford’s new Focus ST will use Satnav to identify schools and hospitals and automatically turn up the stereo when you drive past.

President Trump signs executive order forcing every department store to sell his daughter’s products. President Trump has signed an executive order that forces every national fashion retailer to sell his wife’s jewellery and his daughters fashion range

Pound falls on reports of Brexit plans to relocate Great Britain to Pacific Ocean. The pound has hit its lowest level in three months amid reports that Theresa May will outline plans to physically pull Great Britain out of Europe and relocate it in the Pacific Ocean, just to the south of Hawaii.

Dieters told the most effective weight-loss method remains Photoshop. The easiest way to lose weight and keep it off is with photoshop, according to a report published today.

Southern Trains are always late because they’re soft, insist Northerners. Southern trains are always late because they’re soft, Northernershave said today.

Drinks firm Diageo sees profits rise after 2016 drove everyone to drink. Diageo has announced improved profits after 2016 drove many millions of people to drink.

Fat Controller to take over at Southern Rail. A stout animatronic wooden cartoon man has been brought in to improve service in a major shakeup at Southern Rail.

Obama could still take our guns off us until next week, right? ask midwesterners. Smart firearm owners aren’t letting their guard down until they’re sure Obama has gone.

Man ‘working from home’ sends just the right amount of emails. Timothy Spalling, a 32-year-old IT consultant from Redhill, Surrey, set his alarm for 8.36am this morning to send a reply to his team simply saying "On it. Leave it with me", before falling back asleep.

December 2015 wakes up in the shower. In a stunning last-minute plot twist, December 2015 has woken up in the shower revealing everything that happened in the last 12 months to have been just a dream.

Everyone struggling to cope without Prosecco and Quality Street for breakfast. The first day back to work for people after Christmas has proven difficult due to many businesses in the country frowning on employees breakfasting on a glass of prosecco and a handful of Quality Street.

Bastards call for end to office ‘cake culture’. Bastards have criticised ‘workplace cake culture’ saying it contributes to being happy and making work tolerable.

Government plan to increase council tax to fund social care is ‘great news’, say corporate tax avoiders. Plans by the government to allow local authorities to increase council tax bills in order to fund social care have been lauded by people who can afford to help pay for it but avoid doing so.

I won’t attend security briefings until they stop saying bad things about my friends, insists Donald Trump. Donald Trump is refusing to attend security briefings because he can’t stand listening to people saying rude things about his friends,according to reports this morning.

Chances of your information being stolen are better than 1 in 14 million, lottery players told.

Satire writers massively overestimating how interested people are in Brexit. Britain’s satire writers are way more interested in Brexit than the average member of the population, studies have shown.

Sports Direct shocked to learn that paying employees the legally required amount reduces profits. Sports Direct today blamed the Government for forcing it to pay "unreasonablylegal wages" to its employees, which has resulted in a 25% fall in pre-tax profits.

Woman faces jail for dismal selection of office birthday cakes. An Essex woman is facing prison for providing a dismal selection of cakes for the office to celebrate her birthday.

Mannequin Challenge goes completely unnoticed at Southern Rail.

Vegetarians furious at plans for slices of ham to be accepted as legal tender. Slices of thin-cut ham are to be accepted as legal tender in the place of £5 notes, the Bank of England has confirmed.

Grasping shits limbering up for Black Friday. Hideous humans are warming up for a fist-fight over a kettle.

Global markets turn red as Toblerone scandal unfolds. Markets worldwide have opened down this morning after news of the redesign of Toblerone broke overnight.

John Lewis offers stark warning about cleaning animal faeces from trampolines. John Lewis has today launcheda public service announcement warning the public of the dangers of young children playing on trampolines covered in animal faeces.

Growth figures see thousands of Brexiters rushed to hospital with chronic smugness. Brexiters across the nation are packing A&E departments with severe bouts of smugness after figures showed the economy grew by 0.5% in the quarter after the EU referendum.

Tories convince Nissan bosses to stay in Britain with online wank-cam footage. Nissan bosses may have fallen prey to an online sex camera scam initiated by senior Tories.

Nissan to keep Sunderland plant open after government pledges to teach workers to talk properly. Nissan agreed to keep its operations in the UK after the government pledged to teach people from Sunderland to talk properly, it has been confirmed.

Wanking into a sock ‘not really a hobby’, job applicant told. A man has failed to secure a job interview after his cheeky choice of leisure activity.

Consumers warned against black market ‘street’ Jaffa Cakes after McVities cut size of a pack. A reduction in the number in a box announced by McVities has created a black market in cut-price ‘street’ Jaffa Cakes, we can reveal.

Brexiter claiming ‘we won’ struggling to finish weekly online shop. A man claiming he "won" thanks to Brexit is having a right old mare doing his online grocery shopping.

Samsung warned against ringing people to tell them their phone is being recalled. Samsung is wondering if it’s safe to ring peopletotell them their phone is being recalled.

New plastic bank notes leaving Sir Philip Green short of things to wipe his arse with. The introduction of plastic bank notes is leaving Sir Philip Green desperately short of things to wipe his arse with.

Windows installs update at convenient time. A copy of Windows 10 installed an update at a time convenient to its owneryesterday.

Radiohead accused of selling out. Fans of little-known indie rock band Radiohead have accused the band of selling out after they signed to play the Glastonbury festival.

Companies which use foreign words to be named and shamed under new proposals. Companies which employ foreign words where a good old-fashioned British one will do are to be forced to declare it, according to new proposals unveiled today.

Desperate KFC customers spotted chasing rats with a butterfly net and a bucket. The KFC shortage has reached crisis point.

ASDA Sainsbury’s merger still can’t put together a meal deal that isn’t utterly shit. The merger between two of the country’s biggest supermarket chains has left workers baffled that between them they can’t put together a meal deal that doesn’t taste like mediocrity.

Huge tailbacks at Scottish/English border as minimum alcohol pricing comes into force. Lengthy queues of vans, LGVs and low-loaders are reported at the Scottish border this morning as minimum alcohol pricing comes into force.

Amazon tax payment almost insulting enough for you to stop shopping there. Amazon has stinged on their taxes once again, almost to a level that might make you consider shopping elsewhere. Maybe.

We tried to give you our tax but no-one was in to sign for it, insist Amazon. Amazon has claimed that they were unable to give the UK treasury their full payment of tax as no-one was at home to receive it, according to reports.

Your boss taking an absolutely thunderous shit in the next cubicle. The man who can break your career like a twig is taking a very loud dump just three feet to your left.

Woman would be happier if her job featured more puppies. A woman’s job would be greatly improved by several Golden Retriever puppies, she has confirmed today.

Facebook aims to rebuild nation’s trust by hiring man no-one trusts. Facebook, whose reputation has taken a pounding in the last two years, has hired Nick Clegg in an attempt to rebuild trust and credibility with its users.

Facebook’s pledge to always be free under threat after hiring Nick Clegg. Nick Clegg has been given a senior role at Facebook, prompting widespread fears that users might now be charged exorbitant fees to use the site.

New Halifax advert sees bank manager trying to flog mortgages to cast of The Human Centipede. Halifax is busy ruining another classic film beloved by the whole family.

Ryanair to charge extra to not sit next to a racist. Budget airline Ryanair has announced an exciting new option for passengers who don’t want to sit next to an angry racist for the duration of their journey.

New Premier Inn ‘no-frills’ hotels just holes in the ground. Premier Inn has announced that its new ‘no-frills’ hotel concept will just be a series of holes in the ground.

Man who says ‘The media aren’t reporting it!’ didn’t actually bother looking. A man furiously posting that the media aren’t reporting something didn’t actually spend the ten seconds on Google it would have taken for him to find out that his assertion isn’t true.

Fast food drive-thru shocks customer by getting entire order correct. A local fast food restaurant has shocked customers by completing a drive-thru order precisely as requested.

Hopelessly optimistic Warhammer player makes new year resolution to finish painting all his figures. "This year I’m going to finish painting all my figures before I buy any new ones," a drunk Simon Williams told friends at 00:15 yesterday.

I have also started a new shipping company with no ships, can I have a £13.8m government contract?. Starting a shipping company without the need to own any ships is extremely easy, according to the thousands of people wondering if the government will give them a £13.8m contract.

New Greggs sausage rolls not only vegan but also HALAL. The Daily Mail and their readers lost even more of their shit this morning as it was revealed Greggs’ new line of vegan sausage rolls are HALAL.

Woman successfully uses chocolate to stave off mid-afternoon craving for wine. A woman has had an incredible success staving off her fantasies about a huge mid-afternoon glass of wine by oinking her way through a large bar of Dairy Milk, we can report.

Expensive Christmas supermarket adverts ensure people continue using supermarket nearest to their house. The millions spent by supermarket chains on Christmas advertising is proving successful at making sure customers continue toshop in the same places they do every single week.

Man who remembers when Freddos were 10p horrified to realise just how long ago that was. A man who reckons Freddos should still be 10p has learned that was last the case in 2005, we can report.

No-deal Brexit rehearsal ‘goes well’ as 87 trucks successfully drive straight over a Dover cliff. A live rehearsal of an emergency traffic system to be rolled out in the event of no-deal Brexit has gone ‘pretty well’ a Department for Transport spokesperson has confirmed.

John Lewis releases Elton John doll in time for Christmas. John Lewis has launched a new Elton John doll to capitalise on the musician’s popularity following the release of their latest Christmas advert.

It’s not f*cking Christmas yet, advertisers told. Advertisers have been reminded it’s still twatting well November today.