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I noticed my wife was reading a book that was titled ""The Silent Wife"". I immediately asked ""That's fiction, right?""

what's your pitch? ""so this guy steals from the rich..."" ok ""and gives to the poor"" nice. what's his name? ""Robin..."" haha I love it ""Hood"" wait

Dracula & Frankenstein are in the heavyweight championship. Who wins? Dracula. Frankenstein went down for the count.

A elderly man gets diagnosed with brain cancer And dies.

No wonder 1% is so bad I got my raise, not even 1%, my bank don't even give close to 1%. But my taxes ---- **30%**.

Why is it possible for a door to be made out of kittens? Because they are a-door-able.

My grandad was killed by a zulu He was having a shit in London zoo and the roof fell in.

Doing the splits is easy -- slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

What did Cinderella say when she got down to the ball? Mmmrrggglllrrsllurp

What is it called when a cow is unwillingly milked? **Moo**lestation

How are women and tornadoes alike? They are both loud as fuck when they come, they take the house when they leave.

I texted my girlfriend Ruth last night to let her know she was dumped ... I wanted to be ruthless

TV needs to stop putting up those stupid ""viewer discretion"" warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.

*hops off a horse* alright buddy, your turn

If the cure for AIDS could get you high, we'd figure it out in about a week.

Studies suggest when it comes to dealing with stress, masturbation is twice as effective as sex So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.

Fuck! I have to fly to California to prevent a forest fire. THIS IS TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY!

I only break out my Cookie Monster impression if a date is going terribly or really well.

In 2011 it is more normal to have 0 or 2 dads than 1 dad

What's the difference between a Greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job? One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean.

One of my dad's Why do serial killers do what they do? For the Kix

I'd like to tell a Whitney Houston joke... ... but then I realized that It's Not right, But It's Okay

What is a hemophiliac's least favorite song? Don't stop ble-eding (The pause is necessary)

*Girl opens Xmas present* ""Why'd you get me carrots and lettuce?"" ""Wait but that means-"" *Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

I also painted my computer black, hoping it would run faster. But the police choked it to death, and ruled it justified.

What food can tell you if a girl is pregnant? Chickpea

Epic Tragedy Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.

Two guys walked into a bar... The other guy ducked.

An army of pandas descends on a fortress of evil trolls. The pandas are soft, cuddly, & deadly. It's the most adorable massacre in history.

What does a queen bee do when she burps ? Issues a royal pardon !

(Tell this to your professional friends or relatives) Your must be a fish... because you've got lots of SCALES!! YEEEEEEYAAAAAA Edit: (skills/scales?) get it?

Damn girl, did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.

Tell a sad story in 4 words Lifetime Cleveland Browns fan

What happens when you don't serve drinks at a party? There's no punch line.

Why should you never rendezvous with a pack of wolves? Because they are *meet eaters!*

America is in labor now Soon we will know if it's a boy or a girl.

What is a cucumber and a dolphin doing in the same room? Sushi

Hitler's proofreader for Mein Kampf was literally a Grammar Nazi.

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky? Me: *takes the ducky* Why? 4: I dropped it in the toilet.

Me: I love you with my hole heart. Wife: Wrong hole.

why didn't the cannibal want to be late to dinner? Because he didn't want to get the cold shoulder.

What do you call a list of german jokes printing paper

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

Doe A deer, a female deer. Ray A hunter, with a gun.

How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't matter. All they're going to do is stand around and talk about changing it.

Why are hippies against capitalism? Because money doesn't grow on trees.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One.

What do you call a cow that has had an abortion? Decaffeinated

What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? A suicide vest will blow you.

My Asian friend came out .. My Asian friend came out to his dad today and said ""Dad I'm gay"" . His dad after being angry for a moment said, ""why not Gay+""

Why is dyslexia so bad? It looks like daily sex to me.

Two friends were walking down the road, won took a crap and shit slid out. Her friend said that aint shit that my cunt

Why did Pinocchio's nose get longer? Because he told his wife he cheated on her.

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

She gets stoked after reading: ""Big strapping boxer"" on dating site But soon discovers he's a 475 lb. guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other.... ""You know how to drive this thing?""

I had no idea Instagram was down until a girl in front of me at Starbucks cancelled her order, saying ""Instagram is down it's useless""

I asked the grammar police about a crime in the capital... They told me that case was sensitive.

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

With KFC's announcement they've created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

Work tip: if you're going to ask your boss if you can ""work from home"", don't use air quotes.

What did the necrophiliacs girlfriend say before going bowling?

I always cried when my Dad chopped onions. Onions was a good dog.

When I go down on you, it makes you very happy. And when I come back up I will fuck you good and hard. What am I? Gas prices.

I can't wait for hillary to become president and appoint bernie sanders as her vice president ""I did not have sexual relations with that man""

[rookie undercover] *walks up to dealer* ""yo you a cop"" um no ""hmm ok what you want"" EIGHT COCAINES PLEASE *gives thumbs up to chief in car*

What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke warm

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle.

What do you call a former lacrosse player? Ex Lax.

I've been reading a book on euthanasia... It's so good I can't put it down.

Someone ran over a deaf, dumb and blind man near me last night. Poor bloke didn't know what had hit him.

A. Schwarzenegger has it long, Brad Pitt short, Madonna does not have it and the Pope does not use it. What is it? A surname.

ur mama is sooo fat she sat on a dollar and made 4 quarters pop out.

I've saved a ton of money on Birthday Cards by switching to Facebook!

bangs are just a poor woman's botox.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn't around and you couldn't check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

""What is your reason for divorce?"" She pronounces 'Kansas' like the second part of 'Arkansas'

What do you call a baby from Dover? Doverkiin.

Why couldn't the anthropologist find any Lomekwian tools? They were looking in Oldowan places

What does smoking a cigarette and eating a pussy have in common? [NSFW] The flavor gets stronger as you get closer to the butt.

What has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common? In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.

Did you hear about the new LSU Visa card coming out? You get Les Miles and zero points

What's a Russian's favorite snack? Chechen Nuggets

Procrastinators unite! tomorrow

One day I'll cure deafness... You hear me!

What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant? Swimming trunks!

I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it's someone's birthday and I need to show respect.

How do you say constipated in German? Fahfrompoopin

Found a site for hardcore Harambe Supporters It's called Omegle, Everyone has their dicks out for Harambe.

Why did the SJW hate the Mexican robot? Because it was Pablo-matic

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

What did the veggies say, as they sat down for supper? ""Lettuce, pray.""

What do you call toddlers who are dictators? Dictator Tots

Never trust an anti-aging lotion that has an expiry date.

I like my coffee like I like my coffee. Coffee.

What's everyone doing for Seis de Mayo?

Why aren't there more jokes about Jim Jones? I think it's because usually the punchline is too long

My Grandads motto was ""Never give up"".... He died of lung cancer

Whats up? My dick.

Today I got told I am condescending....... That means I talk down to people