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My mate Dave drowned... For his funeral, we got a wreath in the shape of a life saver. It's what he would've wanted.

The first person to milk a cow probably saw a baby cow nursing and was like oh yeah people do that too and I have no food I don't wanna die

My Muslim girlfriend wants to blow me Should I be excited or call the cops?

What's it called when the queen farts? Helium Neon Argon Krypton Xenon Radon

The creator of the Hokey Kokey died last week... The funeral was a nightmare... when putting him in the coffin, they put his left leg in... And that's when the trouble started.

They Say 1 out of 3 People Cheat in a Relationship Not sure if it's my wife, or my girlfriend.

Fuck, marry, kill? Your sibling. Your mom. Your dad. Fuck all of them

Sex is like cooking. Your girlfriend will be angry at you because you ate your neighbour's even though she hasn't cooked for you in weeks.

Only true feminists will get this Offended

Did you here about the women who died after masturbating with a carrot? That was a dildon't

My new hobby: Seeing animals in old films like westerns, and saying ""I can tell you something about that animal."" ""It's dead now.""

Pikachu hates Rebeca black

Nobody's perfect! Q: What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language? A: ""Nobody's perfect!""

I've completely cocooned myself in this blanket, and I'm not coming out until I'm a fully functional adult or a butterfly.

Nothing says ""high-functioning alcoholic"" like being really good at darts.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About halfway.

What happens when you put 6 city workers and 6 lesbians in a room together? You get a dozen people who don't do dick

Gone are the days that girls cooked like their mothers, because these days they drink like their fathers.

Just seen Michael J Fox at the local Garden centre Well pretty sure it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias.

[chef interview] BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon ME: Yeah, that means you're missing a jar

in 2016 if i walk in to your place and ask for the wifi password and you give me a paper with 26 letters and numbers i'm leaving

I'm giving up spellcheck for Lant

Texting you back right away doesn't make me a psycho. What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

Chuck Norris likes knitting sweaters...... if by knitting you mean kicking and by sweaters you mean babies......

The shortest way to piss off a hipster... Apple phone & iwatch

Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys. My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.

I was on the beach with my daughter. After a while, she turned to me and said, ""Dad, you look like a lobster."" ""Oh no,"" I replied, ""Am I burning?"" She said, ""No. Just very ugly.""

Sometimes I think about how infinite the universe is... and realize that somewhere out there, there's a galaxy shaped like a dick.

*Caterpillar marriage therapy* Wife: he's not the man I married Husband flying around room: I'm the same on the inside Karen!!!

How do you get a Nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy...

Oh man, this whole time we've been trying to stop SEAWATER from gushing into our OIL. Stupid Terry was holding the diagram upside down.

*opens up a Forever 20 store next to Forever 21*

STDs are like Pokemon. Gotta catch'm all!

What did the turkey say to the goat? The turkey said gobble, gobble, gobble. The goat said back abdul akbar before blowing up.

Chemistry Humor... ""What do you get when you cut an avocado into 6.0221412910^23 pieces?"" Guacomole.

My friend was in a terrible accident, and now has to breathe through a straw ...you could say he sucks at life.

Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world There is an idiot pulling a door that says ""Push""

So I bought some shoes from a guy on the street... Anyways he turned out to be a drug dealer, and I'm not sure what they were laced with but I just keep trippin'.

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

Two muffins... Two muffins in a pan are baking in the oven. One looks over at the other and says ""Wow it's getting really hot in here!"" The other replies ""Holy shit is that a talking muffin?""

What's white and 12 inches long? Absolutely nothing.

McDonalds wants you to tell your family you love them because if you keep eating McDonalds it won't be long before you're dead.

Parents are worried about two things these days 1. What their sons download 2. What their daughters upload

Hello (Sorry for my English)

No matter how bored I get, I'll never be bored enough to go back and read through all the greeting cards I've saved over the years.

Are you getting older and wiser? No he's getting older and wider!

Did you hear about the duck that got thrown away? He was down in the dumps.

I've got a ""bun"" (baby) in the ""oven"" (oven)

*sets up booth, hangs up sign ""$5 Mustache Rides!"" *nobody shows up. I knew I shouldn't have named the damn pony 'mustache'

LunchablesTM? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

I got my priest to stop hitting on me. I introduced him to my little brother.

Why Don't feminists make good botanists? They spend the entire time in the greenhouses bitching about the glass ceiling.

What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?

What do you call a doctor who is always on a phone? An oncologist

Did you hear the joke about the deaf man? No? He didn't either.

[bleeding out] ER Doctor: do you know your blood type? ME: I've never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

""Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable..."" ~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

Calculating the trajectory of an airborne booger is snot rocket science

When Shall We Meet Again ? by Miles Apart

I lost my mittens and my girlfriend today. One might say that I'm in between gloves.

What do you call a sad hat? A sombre-ero!

What are the Rolling Stones better at than the Bee gees? Stayin' Alive

How to play the Michael Brown drinking game Just stand there and take the 8 shots.

[shipwreck diary] Day 44: Some of the survivors have resorted to drinking their own piss. Nobody wants to drink mine cos it's 'too chunky'.

Islamophobia caused by baby sheep? Yes it is... Credit to Newsjack BBC for this one.

Why do Women get So Big when they're Pregnant? To give their kids a wide birth.

I always get burnt during summer time. I would go under trees but they're a little shady.

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up? Me: Yeah. Wife: Good. Me: Why? Wife: No reason. Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Here, taste this.

Knock, Knock Who's there? I eat mop. I eat mop who? EEEEWWWWWW.

My vacuum sucks So I decided to sell mine, it was just collecting dust.

What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do? Wrong.

Did you know 50% of Asians in America have cataracts? The other half drive Lincolns

It must be 1929... Because my econ homework has me in a severe depression.

Yo Mama So Fat Yo mama so fat that her Schwarzschild radius equals 1 cm.

How Britons shower. The same as you, dummy. First, we get nice and wet. Then we get the tea.

What do you call Batman when he skips church? Christian Bale

Father's Day Fun: 1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family. 2) Hug him. 3) Tell him 'Happy Father's Day dad'! 4) Run.

ME: For my final wish, I'd like to lose some weight. GENIE: Only way is to eat less and exercise more. ME: This is bullshit.

Less well known than Ernest Hemingway's ""A Farewell to Arms""... is his sequel, ""Oh Hello Arms I Didn't Think I'd See You Again""

Make sure you tip your waitress... It's very funny when they fall over.

A ship full of red paint crashes into a island... The sailors were marooned.

Have you ever had Ethiopian food? No? Neither have they!

What do you call a Mexican after he gets electrocuted? Re-fried beans!

Men simply like to adjust their junk, it's not pocket science.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the food before it was cool...

My best friend and I were comparing our penises... for who has the biggest. It ended in a tie.

""An unknown plight"" or ""the shortest and worse joke i know"" Pedophiles have trouble fitting in.

Why is the next Windows version 10? Because 7 8 9

What did the angered Mother say to her son, the garbage man. Your throwing your life away.

The view of your Bedroom is perfect from this tree!

""Jesus loves you."" A nice gesture in church. A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

You're about as useful as closed captioning in a porno.

A Jewish kid asks his father for sixty dollars. The father replies ""FIFTY DOLLARS??? What the heck to do you need forty dollars for??""

{after you tell me about your horrible, yet life altering near-death experience} ""Have you seen my charger?""

Everyone buries their problems in different ways. I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

What do you call a promiscuous hippy? Whore-ganic

I just got asked to work on a ""special project"" which is boss for ""This was assigned to me but you're smarter so here you do it.""

To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away... Steve Jobs proved this one wrong.

Exam question: According to Germany how much is Greece worth? [1 Mark]