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[SPOILER] Ending of Civil War. Lincoln gets killed at the end.

I suggest we all go to Russia for Christmas.. They'll have fried Turkey

What do monkeys drink in space? Orangu-Tang.

Pizza Hut: Hello Me: I'd like a hot dog bites pizzas PH: Pick up or delivery? Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

Dear lord thank you for these noodles I'm about to eat, ramen

[Job Interview] *okay, he can't find out I'm a wolf* *fixes tie* *checks breath* IS THAT A PICTURE OF YOUR BABY SHE LOOKS DELICIOUS

What did the Roman premature ejaculater say? Veni, Vidi, Veni.

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent. All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

I decided to have a can of soup for lunch today... ...And hating to see good food go to waste, I decided to have the soup as well.

An orange juice factory decides to host a movie night.. They will be screening Pulp Fiction

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.

I am a feminist. Unless you tell me to go and bring you a sandwich. I'm also a waitress.

Yes, I am having meat on Friday. I won't tell God if you don't.

What did the rest of Europe say to the UK during the heat wave? ""UK m8?""

What's the difference between a beer and a down syndrome kid? If you end up with a badly poured beer you can blow it's head off.

Why can't a T-Rex clap it's hands? Because it's dead

Looking out the hospital window while mom is resting on bed. That was either dad or superman falling of the roof.

emo vs obama emo has a gun and obama has a ball to wow the crowd with but the ball has a spike on it

What's the difference between a paddling pool and a swimming pool? Deep ends really.

The best advice I can give to Black Friday shoppers is to come early and take a shit by the door so everyone tracks it in.

Why does Bono always wear those glasses? Because he still hasn't found what he's looking for.

Why do french tanks have rear mirrors? So they can also see the front lines.

That awkward moment when Batman opens the condom compartment instead of the Batarang compartment in his utility belt.

""I hate hashtags!"" Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

An incredible phenomenon of life A pepperoni of radius 'z' and height 'a' has a volume of pizza

What's the difference between a condom and a coffin? Well, both carry stiffs, but one's for coming and the other's for going.

Where did the general keep his armies? In his sleevies!

Dude, she just liked my status, she totally wants me.

a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds

Well, here I am! What are your other two wishes?

How many dead babies can fit inside a Bio-dumpster? 16.

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

what do u call a group of /r/atheists fedoration

TIFU when my finger tore through toilet paper while wiping. It was the most ass I'd gotten in a while.

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject. Do you believe in aliens ? If so , do they have genitals?

ME: I'll see you in a month WIFE: Don't forget to write ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon

How do you tell if your gas station attendant is a former porn star? Right before he finishes pumping your gas he takes it out and sprays it all over your car

How does a cactus do his math homework? He uses a cacti-lator!

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

How do you ask an Uber driver if he drives for Lyft, too? Do you even Lyft bro? (I'll see myself out)

You wouldn't hate anything about yourself if the world hadn't taught you how.

If there was ever a great name for a male only massage parlor it would be: The Massaganist.

Have you ever tried sky diving without a parachute? It's a once in a lifetime experience

Why are soldiers always so tired on April 1st? Because they have just finished a 31 day March.

If you don't think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

What squeaks as it solves crimes ? Miami mice !

How many palindromes do I know of? Not a ton

I got diarrhea while camping last weekend. Shit was in tents.

Someone recently asked me, ""What blood type are you?"".. I said , ""The red runny type"".

What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside ? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !

One thing that really annoys me is everything.

What did the old man get for his birthday? Cancer.

Before college I didn't have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

How many SJWs does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. They hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them.

I was born disabled I couldn't walk, had no hair, couldn't talk, just laid there and shit myself....

If you're a woman and you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.

They say it's the journey that matters and not the destination, which is good because I've no clue where I'm going.

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is ""BURN HIM, HE'S A WITCH""

How many professional soccer players does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to change the bulb, and five to hug and kiss him.

Two things I will never grasp in life: 1. What to write in birthday cards. 2. What to do when people are singing happy birthday to me.

Heard about the Polish Coyote? Chewed three legs off.. and still had one in the trap.

What's brown and sticky A stick

Sometimes I look out over the new construction in my city, old ground being dug up to make room for the new, and I think to myself: I really should have buried the bodies somewhere else.

The fact that we're supposed to reuse a vagina after a mini human has crawled out of it kinda bums me out.

Sexism wouldn't exist if it weren't for your women's opinions.

At first notice, the word ""Diputseromneve"" looks quite ridiculous. However, if you read it backwards its even more stupid.

What do you call a Muslim organization that rejects Muhammed? A non-prophet

What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common? Both say Please insert Bill.

Mayweather VS. Paqiauo wasn't fair... Mayweather got to practice on his wife.

New laws Do not let your friends derive drunk.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

I don't understand romantic movies, why waste all that time with the complicated, man-hating main character when her slut friend is cuter.

What's the worst thing Willie Nelson can tell you while giving you a handjob? I'm not Willie Nelson

What do you call a Tumblr user who identifies as a device which inflates a tire? A pumpkin!

Q: How do convicts get drugs while they're in prison? A: Some asshole brings 'em in.

Why did the Grim Reaper go to the shoe repair shop? To get some soles!

If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They'll thank you later.

Two guys are having sex with a nun. One guy looks at the other, ""what are you doing?"" ""nun, what about you?"" ""nun.""

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

Q: How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears? A: As many bears as Bear Grylls' grill can bear.

I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....... I will keep you posted.

Reddit servers.

[Blazing hot day] Don't forget to take a jacket, it might get cold. ~ My mom.

What's brown and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron

What does a five year old and a penis have in common? If it doesn't come when you tell it to, then just beat it harder. (I am so sorry)

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage... The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.

When two Lesbians get married. Who pays the shopping bill ?

Cows What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef What do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Donald Trump

What do you call a person who hates fat people? Weighcist

How many people does it take to circumcise a whale? Foreskin divers

Haram Two jews walk into a bar. NOT IN MY COUNTRY

Why do midgets not wear tampons? They might trip on the string.

My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes So, my girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, ""I want you to make me scream with only two fingers baby"".... so I poked her in the eyes.

That awkward moment when you're trying to end a conversation and the other person won't stop talking.

What did a constipated Watson tell Sherlock? No shit, Sherlock.

When it comes to gun control, the first thing that should be banned are tee shirt cannons.

I bet you haven't heard of this new movie Constipation... ...it hasn't come out yet.

An Atheist Walks Into A Bar... An Atheist walks into a bar with God, Thor, and Zeus. The bartender looks at him and says ""Drinking alone again, I see...""

Q. What do you call a ginger bread man wit one leg? A. Limp biskit

""David you're late again!"" ""Sorry boss.."" [cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer] ""...traffic""