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Picking up a Sea World Protestor Should we go back to my place, free willy and see how long Tilikum? Guaranteed Soak-Zone.

Why do black people have nightmares? Because we killed the only one that had a dream

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey!

What country has the strictest dress code? Thai-land.

Why is Budweiser just like having sex on a boat? Because both are fucking close to water...

What was the Walrus doing in the Tupperware store? Looking for the tight seal

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I'm Batman now.

I'm quitting drinking for good Now I drink for Evil.

How is having a new dishwasher at a kitchen job like being in the Matrix? There is no spoon.

The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, ""Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy."" She said, ""Why did you say that twice?"" I said, ""I didn't.""

My liver's so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it's family very proud. Weren't expecting that, huh? Racist.

Have you seen www.tame.com? Yes but I'm not wild about it.

Why is Obama pro gay marriage? Because he is a cock sucker

How do you know if someone has a Samsung phone without asking? Don't worry, they've already told you the superior qualities it has over all the other smart phones by this time.

Sex so good, you make bed angels with your arms and legs afterwards.

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

Premature ejaculation was the number one public health issue in the North Pole in 2016 Looks like Santa came early this year

5 out of 6 scientists feel Russian Roulette is safe

What is the first thing that vampires learn at school? The alphabat.

No One Understands Me I'm a barefooter, so no one can walk a mile in my shoes.

Why did the meme crossed the road A meme beme screme

I bought 2 Chainz' latest album, but it was the censored edition. It's easily one of the best instrumental CDs I've heard in a long time.

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

I start conversations with my children by saying ""Listen to me,"" to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

Fatherhood Tip : If there's puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you're holding the baby upside down.

On this planet... Every 10 seconds... there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped!

What did the blind guy say to the deaf guy? I hear what your saying, but I don't see your point

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

Your momma... Your momma is so fat when she gets into the elevator it HAS to go down

Did you hear that joke Ray Rice made? It has a great punchline.

Civilization is just one really long and annoying group project.

Pretty sure the guy who named them ""walkie talkies"" got fired before he could name other military equipment.

Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute.

Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax? A: Because they could spell it.

first you light 100 candles, then you fall asleep. this 'burn your house down' spell works every time

What do you call The Dynamic Duo after they got hit by a steamroller? Flatman and Ribbon

Steve Irwin lived like he died... ...with animals in his heart.

My doctor wouldn't examine me when I said I was having hearing problems... He just said it was ear relevant

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart] Ma'am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly. [slowly puts second tub in cart]

If a stranger catches you taking their photo, let them know it's okay by softly saying, ""Don't worry, this is just for me""

My first time riding a bike was like my first time having sex Both times my dad helped me from behind

I've been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut. ""There's more to it than that"" they say. Whatever.

Dasher, dancer, prancer, and vixen. The four stages of Bruce Jenner.

Someone hit someone with a knife between his fingers. I guess you could say he...Spiked his punch. ( )

If you woke up naked in the woods with a condom up your ass would you tell anyone? No?.. Wanna go camping?

what did the cloud say to the atmosphere? what the hail was that?!

People who say ""the future is now"" don't understand how time works.

What's a Norwegian's favourite car? A Fjord Fjesta

All this talk about Trump hating immigrants... Yet he married two of them.

Q: why do the gay guys like midnight? A: twelve DONGS!

What do transsexuals run on? Gender fluid.

The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

What tick likes to run? Politicks

Get a slab of bread dough. Wrap dental floss around it. Congratulations, you've seen me naked.

[during dinner on a date] ""I'm currently in university"" how long is your degree? ""normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2""

The worst part of a photographic memory is keeping all the negatives.

You know what they say about having big hands and big feet 2 out of 3 is not bad

What time zone are you in when you find a sheep stuck in a fence? Mountin' time

Q: Why did the man put cheese on his computer? A: He wanted to feed the mouse.

A black guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar... The bartender asks, ""Where'd ya get it?"" The parrot says, ""Africa."" (I don't know if you know this one, but I just heard it today)

Nose hairs must be the longest hairs on the human body. When you pull them your arsehole twitches.

My girlfriend is like a lawnmower... Everyone is asking to borrow her.

Scientist found out... once shown the exit.

What do you call a baby Muslim? A hand grenade.

If a threesome with two guys and a girl is called a ""manwich"", what do you call a threesome with two girls and a guy? Vaggie burger.

What did the creationist student say when asked why he didn't have his homework on natural selection? My dogma ate it.

Why did the physicist masturbate to the electron? It was in the excited state.

So a pirate walks into a bar... A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender asks him why he has the wheel on him, and the pirate replies ""YARR! IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!""

The man who invented anagrams has sadly passed away May he erect a penis

Boyfriend asked me to put a few planks of wood together... Nailed it!

I went to Lowe's to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don't exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

Anal sex and cabbage have a lot in common. If you're forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't enjoy it as an adult.

Black people can be racist too It's just that white people are so much better at it.

Happy Mother's Day to moms around the world !!! advanced aprils fools day guys!!!

Awesome Moment when you are telling lie and your best friend notices and joins you . :)

I wonder if my potential boyfriend is hiding at the bottom of this ice cream tub.

[OC] I went to prison for identity theft. Good news is I'm cell mates with a famous musician, bad news is I'm now Rick James' bitch

Why don't Mexican's sweat as much as other races? They don't want to fill up the river as they cross it.

I have a black belt in leather

Never have sex before 20... It can be difficult to perform in front of an audience.

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

I am willing to promise my kids anything just so they go away for a while. I learned that trick from the government

""Bite me, asshole"" - grammatically correct and scathing ""Bite me asshole"" - kinky pirate

Acid is like a woman. A good one will eat right through your pants.

Username walks into a hotel... And asks for a room. A few days later he leaves. I guess you could say, Username checks out.

How can you a drop a egg on concrete without cracking it? Anyway you want. Concrete doesn't break easily.

Lost and Found I was reading the lost and found section of the paper and saw this: ""Found, one black boy's bicycle."" Wonder how they knew?

A vinter had twin ginger daughters. He named the first Rosay and the second Rose bee.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

How can you get a cannibal to go away? Give him the finger.

My job testing fizzy drinks is really getting to me... It's soda grading.

My buddy's autistic twin brother has a seizure while on a camping trip, causing my buddy to miss his first day on the job at Dominoes. ""Tell the manager your brother had a Little Caesar""

Overweight people know they're overweight, tall people know they're tall, why is it that stupid people don't know what they are?

Why was the little drop of ink so sad? Because his father was in the pen, and he didn't know how long the sentence was!

whats a pimps favorite cereal? cheeryhoes

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ......All of it.

Two crows were sitting on a bench... They were arrested for attempted murder.

How many black men does it take to feed a family? Just one, if you eat the whole thing.

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!