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Did your mom get those plane tickets? I'm taking her to pound town

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

An astronaut squirrel, a snail that meows, crab with a whale as a daughter. Dear creators of spongebob, pass the drugs.

What did Courtney Love say to Kurt Kobain after finding out he cheated on her? *""I'll give you one more shot""*

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke's on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.

I've become quite independent since my wife left... I just put my second load of washing through the microwave.

Why are blood oranges the only ""blood"" fruit? Why not blood bananas? Who wouldn't like to slurp down a nice ripe blood banana?

What do you call a Donald Trump protestor's favorite word game? Mad Libs.

Teenage Parties It's getting harder and harder to tell the zombies from the regular people.

They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa. It's called Genitalia.

What do you call an unusual rabbit? A rare hare.

I only remember the punchline: ""Follow the yellow-dicked toad!"" Anyone know the joke?

What did the Italian dressing say to the French dressing? Nothing. Dressings don't have arms

What are you if you aren't European? Eurapoopin. -my daughter

Me: Goodnight Moon Moon: Well hi there. I can't hear you because I'm 240,000 miles away and sound doesn't travel in space. Die in a fire.

Told my doctor I wanted him to check my prostate without lube He put both his hands on my shoulders and went to town

Why can't Ray Charles read? Because he's blind you racist!

My favorite word is penetration. My second favorite word is done.

thats one giant leap for mankind, and also a giant leap for puppies. scruffy keep your helmet on

Two blondes are having a conversation... Do you know that the black box of an airplane is actually orange! The other respond: OMG! So, it's not a box?!?

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye? A: Just between you and me, something smells down there.

Two things I learned from online dating geography and disappointment

What do you call a social studies class that got burnt down? History

Q: Why don't women have men's brains? A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.

Why are redneck crimes so hard to solve... Because everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records. . . . . Not original, I heard it on satellite radio yesterday.

Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby? At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up.

What do gay horses eat? *HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY*

I got kicked out of the hospital tonight. Apparently the sign ""Stroke Patients Here"" meant something different.

Did you hear about the witch who ate 10 packs of gum? She had some double bubble toilet trouble.

It's been so long, I think my virginity is growing back.

My dad always said there was nothing wrong with black people He believed everybody should own one

I once had a job circumcising Elephants at a Zoo The work was hard but the tips were huge!

My husband just got to level three on netflix: ""faking an illness"" to finish binge watching I'm on level 6: ""faking your own abduction""

What do you call a Chinese Millionaire? Cha Ching

Did you know that Boy George's pet reptile bit 7 people today?! I think he needs a calmer chameleon

Two fish are in a tank... Two fish are in a tank... First one says: I'll drive! Second one says: ""I'll man the guns!""

Why did the black man wear a tuxedo to his Vasectomy? If he was going to be impotent he wanted to look impotent.

Why didn't the doctor use Twitter to tell the patient that he had a deadly disease? Because the condition was untweetable.

Remember that guy that told us that he had no asshole? I think he's full of shit.

What's brown and sticky? A twig.

Why don't they just get Jehovah's Witnesses to deliver the mail?

One of my ongoing office fantasies involves a coworker walking by my desk while I'm actually working

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

It's OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I'm a sex attic too.

Did you hear the joke about the dance? The punchline wasn't funny.

What are Isreali candies known for? A jewy center

What's the difference between a McDonald's and anal? McDonald's makes your day, anal makes your hole weak.

Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.

doing sports is ninety-eight percemt confidence and two thousand percent talent and three fifths makimg math dudes mad

For people who've been around such a long time, grandparents seem constantly amazed that children grow.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)

Why was the little ant confused? Because his uncles are aunts.

I decided not to invest in that seafood processing plant... ...something smelled fishy.

What did Batman give Doctor Freeze with his whisky? Just-ice

Bernie Sanders only has one night stands It's totally not his choice, but women tend not to call back once they still Feel The Bern the next morning.

A friend asked me, Is there a black Greek god?.. Nike

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I'm going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

BRAKING NEWS ... A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

Where did the belly button go to school? The Navel Academy

4 out of 5 dentists agree, that 5th dentist is an asshole.

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. :(

It's a shame that nobody is stepping up to defend the clown community Not even the mimes are talking

What kind of snake is useful on your windscreen ? A viper !

Probably the worst time to ask ""shouldn't we go on a date first?"" is after getting handcuffed by a police officer.

I hate it... I hate it when people say something online and don't take credit for it. Pussies. Anonymous

What happens to illegally parked frogs ? They get toad away.

What is steam? Its what you get when you put water on my mixtape

So it's my birthday and my parent sang me happy birthday. Mom: ""Happy birthday to you!"" Dad: ""Happy birthday to you!"" Mom: ""Happy birthday to you!"" Dad: ""You were born because your mom sniffed glue.""

Why did the phosphorus atom go to the fortune teller? To find out his phos-fate!

How does every black guy joke start? By looking over your shoulder!

His son asked him what gay meant. Son: Dad, what does gay mean? Dad: Happy son. It means happy. Son: Then are YOU gay DAD? Dad: No son...... i have a wife... EDIT: Damn this blew up. Thanks guys!

And that's why I never argue with my wife. Wife : Don't forget to pick up kids from school. Me : It's Saturday, they're both upstairs. Wife : It's Wednesday and we've three kids.

What do you call the family members of the Force? Force-kin My friend made this up today while talking about Star Wars.

A guy in the store on his cell said ""Susan, I'm in my car on my way"" so I yelled ""NO HE'S NOT!"" Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

There are only 10 bad people in the world.. And i get Christmas cards from 9 of them.

I saw a boat with a sign that said ""For Sale"" so I added an ""ing"" to the end. Fucking idiots are lucky I came along.

Billion Dollar Idea: A condom that changes color when it comes in contact with an STD.

Why don't cannibals like clowns? they taste funny!

Sometimes I make statements in the tone of a question?

When I think of you, I touch myself. With my finger. In the back of my throat to help me vomit because you make me nauseous.

Why was the racehorse named Bad News? Because bad news travels fast!

What happened with the wooden car with wooden wheels, wooden seats, and a wooden engine? It wooden go.

My fortune cookie says ""You will attain the highest levels of intelligence."" Does anyone know where I can find fedoras for cheap?

""Bro, rumor has it ur dads emo now"" ""Emo? Nah yo, EMU"" ""Im confused.."" *A massive bird moonwalks in w/ a #1 Dad shirt* ""Hi confused, Im Dad""

So I took a practice test on photons today... It didn't matter.

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

I've started writing crossword puzzles for a national newspaper. The money is not great but It's allowed me to buy a little two up two down house.

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write? Me: Wanna buy my book? Them: No. Me: That's why I own a hot dog stand.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when invited to the musician themed costume party? I'll be Bach

I failed the drivers test even though I stopped for the sign I gave it plenty of time to cross, it's not my fault I hit it.

I beat a Prius today... Thank goodness I had on my running shoes.

I bought my dog a brand new flatscreen for his birthday today - I even had it engraved! TO SHIBA

What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look grandpa! No hands!

I made a bunch of custom t-shirts for my footballer friends, and they suddenly turned into philosophers. Must've been the soccer tees.

God loves me but I'm not looking for anything serious.

What is a Pirates favorite letter. You think it be RRRRRRRR but it be the C!

Being a software engineer is pretty cool because I can just stare at my screen/zone out & if anybody questions me I say I'm optimizing code

Twitter gives me this paranoid feeling that I am being followed.