myothiha/jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

Unnamed: 0 int64 0 232k	text stringlengths 11 214
364	Yes, life is meaningless, but some of the food is decent.
11,637	BIDEN: I'mma punch him when he comes here. OBAMA: No, Joe. Don't do that. BIDEN: Punch him round the back. OBAMA: Joe. BIDEN: Kick, then.
58,706	Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I'd say I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.
67,730	I was gonna tell you a joke about the wind... ...But it blows
164,344	Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there's a cop hiding in the bushes
106,544	A man had a tumor shaped like a bomber plane. It was B-9.
168,766	Whats the difference between a blond and a mosquito? If you slap a mosquito it will stop sucking!
11,981	What do you call a gay man's balls? Mud flaps
25,218	What do you call an egocentric strain of bacteria found in a Chipotle burrito? ME-coli
2,922	Lifeguards wouldn't let Obama in the pool because he had weeping legions
213,477	I always get worried when I hear Chris Brown has a new hit out. I bet it's an uppercut
221,492	I could add boolean operators to my search... OR NOT
190,615	Silence is golden. Unless they're in the shower and you can't find their phone. In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
68,735	How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero? 3. 2 to die and 1 to never get over it. Heard while playing Arkham Knight
202,728	If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo's show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it's Halloween because our family reunion was in July....
159,425	Why have all the immigrants left? They had no rights.
194,506	Why do fencers make terrible Redditors? They always riposte. ^^^^^^^^this ^^^^^^^^is ^^^^^^^^a ^^^^^^^^riposte ^^^^^^^^too
33,657	Mexico is starting to build a wall They're worried about the Americans crossing the border when Trump is elected.
30,414	My friend asked me what my favorite calculator was... My friend asked me what my favorite calculator was. I told him they all had their plusses and minuses.
139,877	Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
96,153	A beautiful woman is like the perfect shot of vodka Transparent, ice cold, and utterly tasteless.
218,955	Did you hear about... Did you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sack!
18,948	Why did the feminist cross the road? To shout and scream at a gentleman who held the door for a lady.
219,285	Why didn't Jesus play during the Isreal-Palestine soccer game? He got suspended.
68,715	What is the most popular bar in the Middle East Aloha Snackbar
16,759	This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.
166,624	Mi amigo Jesus is a great work out partner but... He just won't shut up about how he invented Cross-Fit
85,118	There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
146,741	I walked into a room full of people masturbating They looked surprised when I didn't stop
175,038	If Rihanna and Chris Brown got back together and made music again... they would make all the hits
63,395	What do you call a guy with no body and no nose? Nobody knows
57,445	""Pick a lane! Any lane!"" - I hate commuter magicians.
215,034	""Hey, Dad? Why don't you ever tell me you love me?"" the dad looks at his son, smiles, and says, ""You love me.""
146,854	Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
42,978	Q: Did you hear about the book about cowardice? A: It had no spine.
15,656	I wouldn't say I ""missed"" your call.
51,652	Nothing says 'almost caught masturbating' like having your mum walking in on you looking at the Google homepage.
116,244	If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.
15,190	Do you like Asian Diplomacy jokes? I've been feeding the kids in my political science class a steady diet of Japanese Government jokes.
175,510	TIL I'm bad at posting at the right subreddit
67,683	This cashier was totally just checking me out, you guys.
136,814	A Mother is cleaning her kids room... She finds a bunch of BDSM gear and fetish mags. She shows her husband Mom: What do we do? Dad: I'm not sure, but whatever you do you better not spank him!!
156,165	When u post in /r/shoot.... Its a suicide..! (Self.shoot) Ps- didnt check if it existed xD
196,237	How does Big Boss store his photos? On a Solid Snake Drive 120 gb sorry :\
166,074	Why did Kim Jong Un have so many books? Because he is North Korea's great reader.
64,034	How did the aquarium win the battle? Giant Fish Tanks.
50,236	Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.
101,135	Highlighter pens are the future... Mark my words
225,821	In blind taste tests, most consumers couldn't tell if a person was blind by tasting them.
85,381	What's a math teacher's favorite TV show? Sinefeld
128,353	Clinton is so crooked... She needs a Kaine for support. (Credit to: /u/medically)
167,551	It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was the S'mores of Pop-Tarts, it was the Unfrosted Strawberry of Pop-Tarts.
159,451	And the Lord said unto John, ""Come forth and you shall receive eternal life"". But John came in fifth and won a toaster.
8,334	How does a mama pig put her piglets to sleep? She reads them pig tales.
36,779	The worst part about being told you have Alzheimer's? It doesn't just happen the once. And I'll be posting this again later. If I remember.
201,186	How to cats greet each other at Christmas ? ""A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year"" !
225,607	NSFW: Why would I not vote for Bernie Sanders Because he is BS.
23,051	Went to get coffee for a coworker. I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
166,086	Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he's being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
51,429	Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
96,357	I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.
107,406	Why did the scout leader get arrested? They caught him eating a brownie
99,132	Girl are you a social cause? 'cause you look like something I can get behind!
8,235	What came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster.
85,951	Sometimes I just like to surprise my liver and drink water.
106,645	What did the one melon say to the other melon? We're too young to marry. We cantaloupe.
11,058	What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved at each other.
64,511	""I'm a skeleton!"" kisses and hugs you Stop that! kisses and hugs you again What kind of skeleton are you?!? ""An XO skeleton""
155,946	What do you call a guy dumped by his Asian girlfriend? Disoriented.
11,446	The Navy should develop something based on ""gaydar"" that would allow ships & planes to recognize approaching objects.
157,728	What kind of doctor is always on call? An oncologist! ... I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.
214,079	I used to so drugs in the 90s but now I usually turn the AC on
45,868	I went on a date last night with a tiny lobster. It didnt go well. She was a little shellfish.
133,749	What is worse than ants in your pants? Uncles in your pants
17,120	I want a sex change. From ""none"" to ""some"".
219,311	A blonde walks into a bar... Ouch
101,335	Ex: Holy skinny jeans! Me: They are new. Like them? Ex: Sure... Me: What? Ex: Should a woman your age wear those? Divorce Reason 509
12,312	Fun fact about Germany... Fooled ya... There's nothing funny about Germany
226,786	What kind of sick fuck figured out that you can make a cake out of carrots?
160,496	You know why I don't have a spine? The French needed it.
144,007	Not afraid of death anymore because I just woke up from a nap I didn't even know I was having.
72,208	Definition of FACEBOOK? It's a place where Boy posts a Joke, Gets No Response....And If Girl Posts The Same Joke, She Gets 150 Likes, 300 Comments & 60 Friends Requests.
229,551	Q: What kind of pizza do pilots like? A: Plain.
56,022	What do Super Mario Brothers, and relationships have in common? Sometimes you have to slay a few dragons before you get to the princess
206,994	'Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the mall There were multiple reports of trampling injuries.
183,821	It's like sex while camping.. it's fucking intense
227,430	What's the difference between politics and professional wrestling?.. In professional wrestling they know what they are doing.
86,102	What US state is it easiest to hide a prostitute in? H-Idaho-e
210,486	What's it called when two morticians argue for hours on who gets to bang a corpse? A stalemate.
98,647	Which is the only insect that needs to wear shoes? Mosqui-toes.
46,527	Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word ""wifi"" rather than ""le signal librement accessible sans l'utilisation de fils"" or some shit.
131,941	the C in CNN stands for cterrible
171,283	If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
37,397	What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot ""you racist""
2,449	What language do British wrenches speech? Spanish!
65,868	A man goes to his Doctor. man- Doc i cant stop singing Tom Jones songs, have you ever heard of such a thing? Doctor- Its not unusual.
206,767	Why did the shark go to the doctors? Because he didn't feel very whale
31,597	Yo mama so fat She is overweighted
167,130	For the first time ever I find Hillary relatable. I'm not president either.
227,307	Saudi Arabia 'chosen to head key UN human rights panel' Joke is UN.

364

Yes, life is meaningless, but some of the food is decent.

11,637

BIDEN: I'mma punch him when he comes here. OBAMA: No, Joe. Don't do that. BIDEN: Punch him round the back. OBAMA: Joe. BIDEN: Kick, then.

58,706

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I'd say I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.

67,730

I was gonna tell you a joke about the wind... ...But it blows

164,344

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there's a cop hiding in the bushes

106,544

A man had a tumor shaped like a bomber plane. It was B-9.

168,766

Whats the difference between a blond and a mosquito? If you slap a mosquito it will stop sucking!

11,981

What do you call a gay man's balls? Mud flaps

25,218

What do you call an egocentric strain of bacteria found in a Chipotle burrito? ME-coli

2,922

Lifeguards wouldn't let Obama in the pool because he had weeping *legions*

213,477

I always get worried when I hear Chris Brown has a new hit out. I bet it's an uppercut

221,492

I could add boolean operators to my search... OR NOT

190,615

Silence is golden. Unless they're in the shower and you can't find their phone. In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

68,735

How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero? 3. 2 to die and 1 to never get over it. Heard while playing Arkham Knight

202,728

If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo's show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it's Halloween because our family reunion was in July....

159,425

Why have all the immigrants left? They had no rights.

194,506

Why do fencers make terrible Redditors? They always riposte. ^^^^^^^^this ^^^^^^^^is ^^^^^^^^a ^^^^^^^^riposte ^^^^^^^^too

33,657

Mexico is starting to build a wall They're worried about the Americans crossing the border when Trump is elected.

30,414

My friend asked me what my favorite calculator was... My friend asked me what my favorite calculator was. I told him they all had their plusses and minuses.

139,877

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

96,153

A beautiful woman is like the perfect shot of vodka Transparent, ice cold, and utterly tasteless.

218,955

Did you hear about... Did you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sack!

18,948

Why did the feminist cross the road? To shout and scream at a gentleman who held the door for a lady.

219,285

Why didn't Jesus play during the Isreal-Palestine soccer game? He got suspended.

68,715

What is the most popular bar in the Middle East Aloha Snackbar

16,759

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.

166,624

Mi amigo Jesus is a great work out partner but... He just won't shut up about how he invented *Cross-Fit*

85,118

There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

146,741

I walked into a room full of people masturbating They looked surprised when I didn't stop

175,038

If Rihanna and Chris Brown got back together and made music again... they would make all the hits

63,395

What do you call a guy with no body and no nose? Nobody knows

57,445

""Pick a lane! Any lane!"" - I hate commuter magicians.

215,034

""Hey, Dad? Why don't you ever tell me you love me?"" the dad looks at his son, smiles, and says, ""You love me.""

146,854

Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

42,978

Q: Did you hear about the book about cowardice? A: It had no spine.

15,656

I wouldn't say I ""missed"" your call.

51,652

Nothing says 'almost caught masturbating' like having your mum walking in on you looking at the Google homepage.

116,244

If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.

15,190

Do you like Asian Diplomacy jokes? I've been feeding the kids in my political science class a steady diet of Japanese Government jokes.

175,510

TIL I'm bad at posting at the right subreddit

67,683

This cashier was totally just checking me out, you guys.

136,814

A Mother is cleaning her kids room... She finds a bunch of BDSM gear and fetish mags. She shows her husband Mom: What do we do? Dad: I'm not sure, but whatever you do you better not spank him!!

156,165

When u post in /r/shoot.... Its a suicide..! (Self.shoot) Ps- didnt check if it existed xD

196,237

How does Big Boss store his photos? On a Solid Snake Drive 120 gb sorry :\

166,074

Why did Kim Jong Un have so many books? Because he is North Korea's great reader.

64,034

How did the aquarium win the battle? Giant Fish Tanks.

50,236

Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.

101,135

Highlighter pens are the future... Mark my words

225,821

In blind taste tests, most consumers couldn't tell if a person was blind by tasting them.

85,381

What's a math teacher's favorite TV show? Sinefeld

128,353

Clinton is so crooked... She needs a Kaine for support. (Credit to: /u/medically)

167,551

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was the S'mores of Pop-Tarts, it was the Unfrosted Strawberry of Pop-Tarts.

159,451

And the Lord said unto John, ""Come forth and you shall receive eternal life"". But John came in fifth and won a toaster.

8,334

How does a mama pig put her piglets to sleep? She reads them pig tales.

36,779

The worst part about being told you have Alzheimer's? It doesn't just happen the once. And I'll be posting this again later. If I remember.

201,186

How to cats greet each other at Christmas ? ""A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year"" !

225,607

NSFW: Why would I not vote for Bernie Sanders Because he is BS.

23,051

Went to get coffee for a coworker. I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

166,086

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he's being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

51,429

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

96,357

I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.

107,406

Why did the scout leader get arrested? They caught him eating a brownie

99,132

Girl are you a social cause? 'cause you look like something I can get behind!

8,235

What came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster.

85,951

Sometimes I just like to surprise my liver and drink water.

106,645

What did the one melon say to the other melon? We're too young to marry. We cantaloupe.

11,058

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved at each other.

64,511

""I'm a skeleton!"" *kisses and hugs you* Stop that! *kisses and hugs you again* What kind of skeleton are you?!? ""An XO skeleton""

155,946

What do you call a guy dumped by his Asian girlfriend? Disoriented.

11,446

The Navy should develop something based on ""gaydar"" that would allow ships & planes to recognize approaching objects.

157,728

What kind of doctor is always on call? An oncologist! ... I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.

214,079

I used to so drugs in the 90s but now I usually turn the AC on

45,868

I went on a date last night with a tiny lobster. It didnt go well. She was a little shellfish.

133,749

What is worse than ants in your pants? Uncles in your pants

17,120

I want a sex change. From ""none"" to ""some"".

219,311

A blonde walks into a bar... Ouch

101,335

Ex: Holy skinny jeans! Me: They are new. Like them? Ex: Sure... Me: What? Ex: Should a woman your age wear those? Divorce Reason 509

12,312

Fun fact about Germany... Fooled ya... There's nothing funny about Germany

226,786

What kind of sick fuck figured out that you can make a cake out of carrots?

160,496

You know why I don't have a spine? The French needed it.

144,007

Not afraid of death anymore because I just woke up from a nap I didn't even know I was having.

72,208

Definition of FACEBOOK? It's a place where Boy posts a Joke, Gets No Response....And If Girl Posts The Same Joke, She Gets 150 Likes, 300 Comments & 60 Friends Requests.

229,551

Q: What kind of pizza do pilots like? A: Plain.

56,022

What do Super Mario Brothers, and relationships have in common? Sometimes you have to slay a few dragons before you get to the princess

206,994

'Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the mall There were multiple reports of trampling injuries.

183,821

It's like sex while camping.. it's fucking intense

227,430

What's the difference between politics and professional wrestling?.. In professional wrestling they know what they are doing.

86,102

What US state is it easiest to hide a prostitute in? H-Idaho-e

210,486

What's it called when two morticians argue for hours on who gets to bang a corpse? A stalemate.

98,647

Which is the only insect that needs to wear shoes? Mosqui-toes.

46,527

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word ""wifi"" rather than ""le signal librement accessible sans l'utilisation de fils"" or some shit.

131,941

the C in CNN stands for cterrible

171,283

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

37,397

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot ""you racist""

2,449

What language do British wrenches speech? Spanish!

65,868

A man goes to his Doctor. man- Doc i cant stop singing Tom Jones songs, have you ever heard of such a thing? Doctor- Its not unusual.

206,767

Why did the shark go to the doctors? Because he didn't feel very whale

31,597

Yo mama so fat She is overweighted

167,130

For the first time ever I find Hillary relatable. I'm not president either.

227,307

Saudi Arabia 'chosen to head key UN human rights panel' Joke is UN.