myothiha/jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

Unnamed: 0 int64 0 232k	text stringlengths 11 214
203,708	I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? [Jimmy Carr Jokes](http://thatswhatwedo.iobad.com/post/859629085/jimmy-carr-jokes)
126,950	Want your daily dose of vitamin C? Look at pictures of Donald Trump
224,029	What's the difference between a dry, moldy cranberry and an angry blue bird? One's a crazy heron, the other's a hairy Craisin. ^^^^^Credit ^^^^^to ^^^^^my ^^^^^wife.
178,168	I once saw my grandparents have sex And that's why I don't eat raisins
182,878	Why didn't Napoleon get his wish? Because he couldn't pull the wish Bonaparte.
164,541	Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it goes to the toilet? Because the P is silent.
30,020	What dog has money? A bloodhound because he is always picking up scents (cents).
184,053	What do you get when two Samoans Fall off a couch? Tufaloffahsofa
102,053	What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights? A chicken
228,092	What city will Leo Dicaprio never visit ? Osaka.
135,617	[my 1st day as spelling bee host] your word is policy ""can you use it in a sentence"" um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
223,668	""That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice."" No Grandma, that's Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
134,534	Ask Me If I'm A Tomato
143,998	If I were Santa Claus, I'd have my agent be like ""He's not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car.""
197,209	[at Applebees on Christmas] God: Your food good? Jesus: Ya, it- a crowd of servers surrounds them Jesus: You didn't... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
17,925	Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they'll use them? In Watts. I'll see myself out now.
80,404	Why didn't the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10? He said ""I still love Vista, baby!""
20,344	I carry around a note in my wallet that says, ""The curse must be passed, I'm so sorry"" in case it's ever stolen.
131,689	My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.
104,154	Shouting, ""You're all pathetic idiots!"" to freedom of speech protesters... Soon changes their tone.
17,153	Every Winter, one bear chooses not to hibernate. Instead, he stocks up on Sharpies and turns all of the brown bears into black bears.
195,848	What's under the Pillsbury Doughboy's apron? Doughnuts
198,460	Good luck making the Instagram most viewed page if you're not an adorable Japanese teenager eating frozen yogurt.
21,610	Why isn't there a Superpig? It's too hard for a pig to change clothes in a telephone booth.
20,087	My girlfriend just got mad and accused me of stalking her. Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.
112,317	What's the Welsh word for shearing a sheep? Foreplay
130,426	[Wheel] _'D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_ I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat Go ahead I'd like to solve the puzzle Yes, go ahead No, I'd like to..
170,907	I used to play water polo But the horse drowned
156,883	Why did the algae end up at school? She wanted to buy an algae bra.
31,438	Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, ""YES!""
158,635	What happens when you go to the bathroom scared? A spooky dookie.
54,086	I had to break up with my Chinese girlfriend... An hour after eating her, I was horny again.
30,593	Zebra joke! I heard that zebras are neutral about racism.
133,048	Have you ever had sex while camping? Its fucking intence.
121,468	If by ""eat clean"" you mean ""donuts in the shower"", then yes - I eat clean.
224,171	I woke up with a raging hard on.... I called my wife over and told her to fix my clock. She said ""that doesn't look like a clock."" I responded, ""if you put a face and 2 hands on it it does.""
169,456	A buddhist walks up to a hotdog vender... ...says make me one with everything.
92,461	If you want sex... A man tells his wife in bed that if she wants sex to reach over and pull on it once. If she doesn't, reach over and pull it 100 times.
157,660	The tornado warning siren has just stopped going off That's either good or terrible
120,037	The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
16,441	Why is Santa's sack so big??? Well, he only cums once a year...
16,393	What's the three toughest years of a bass player? Second grade.
74,710	So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you've hit,i will be removing mine
11,300	What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
21,794	The first time I've had sex was like the first time I rode my bike My dad was holding me from behind
152,052	I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
41,247	I can't believe that Trump is banning Muslims from the U.S. Like, Syria-sly America?
96,901	If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said I wouldn't need a small loan of a million dollars
101,275	Hey movie villains make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
92,394	i've dated so many tools i could open a home depot
111,350	What does a black guy do after sex? 15 to life.
119,251	I aged about 2 years and counted 14,364 cat hairs on my cashiers blouse at Walmart waiting for her to ring up my groceries.
151,577	What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? For one you get tweetment and the other you get oinkment...
54,989	I like my women like I like my cigars 7 years old and coming from Cuba in a burlap sack
28,040	I've heard a lot of gossip about molasses today. It's nothing more than viscous rumours.
82,730	There are lots of reasons to hate the Nazis. Mine? They didn't finish the job.
141,446	What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs? A condescending con descending.
182,202	What does a ghost pick out of his nose? Boo-gers
30,071	I'm in favor of spanking children. Their parents are not.
146,420	What did the nudist criminal say when he agreed to a criminal plan? ""I'm in, but I'm not decent.""
14,272	How do you know when you're at a gay picnic? The hotdogs taste like shit.
218,070	I bought a friend an elephant for his room. He said, ""Thanks!"" and I said, ""Don't mention it""
83,015	My old physics professor: Times flies when you're having fun, Or as frogs say, times fun when you're having flies... That was a long semester
33,733	Oedipus the King You know, Oedipus the king really gives new meaning to the term ""mother fucker"".
38,273	I will NEVER make the same mistake twice ... In a row. They're in rotation.
127,456	Patrick and Bruce Patrick Bateman and Bruce Wayne are having a business lunch together. Suddenly, Bruce senses something is wrong, and looks at his watch. ""Sorry to be so rude, but I've got to Bale"".
108,671	How many dead schoolgirls does it take to change a lightbulb? Obviously more than four because my basement's still dark.
81,332	Teacher: What is the unit of energy? Students: Yes!
98,523	""Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.""n""What makes you so sure?""n""He is a penguin.""
137,733	Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
194,223	Which type of soup is the heaviest? Won-ton soup
206,888	What would To Kill a Mockingbird be called if Harper Lee was an alcoholic? Tequila Mockingbird.
81,804	Why are relationships complex? Because you're real, but your girlfriend is imaginary
100,383	How can you tell if a road is sad? It has low shoulders.
211,278	HAPPY NEW YEAR letter to mods AAEEHNPPRWYY
114,624	WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe WISE MAN #2: frankincense WISE MAN #3: myrrh ME: pulls out Chili's gift card I hate you guys
22,192	Why doesn't Justin Bieber like Sports Authority? Because he likes Dicks.
61,307	I like to make jokes about summarizing stories without context. For example: ...Long story short, my mother isn't allowed to walk on the neighbor's lawn anymore
88,497	An app.. An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you. -Twitters new slogan
219,886	[making flamingos] God: bird. Adam: got it. G: but it stand still a lot. A: ok.. G: on one leg. A: how high are you? G: make it pink.
107,740	What do the french call 4/20? 80
150,139	How come sneezes get a ""God Bless You"" but coughs get a cold unflinching silence?
56,769	What do you call hundreds of crows at a Catholic church? A mass murder.
157,826	What university has the most brightest students and staff? University of Brighton
7,972	This guy went for an interview with Buzzfeed What happened next will shock you
119,166	Which fairground ride is made of iron? The ferrous wheel
203,810	What is a Jawa's favorite food? Poutini!
126,774	People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don't know anything about it
218,272	It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
119,209	A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing plastic wrap underwear. Psychiatrist says ""Well, i can clearly see your nuts.""
41,827	One isn't a real number, Real numbers have curves.
16,060	What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman ? Snowballs
22,855	Why is it so expensive to live in Ireland? Cause they keep Dublin the taxes.
9,124	Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth.
193,949	If storks bring white babies and crows bring black babies, then what brings no babies? Swallows
103,852	They say you can't tell a funny joke about terrorism, but you can. It's all in the execution.
118,848	Why were the people in twin towers upset? They ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plane
60,632	When I tell jokes my friends call me a faggot but I suppose it's just because they think i'm a bundle of shticks.
199,095	How is Star Trek like toilet paper? It circles Uranus looking for Klingons.
109,278	Actually, I'd rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I'm going in there, because HELLO PIE.

203,708

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? [Jimmy Carr Jokes](http://thatswhatwedo.iobad.com/post/859629085/jimmy-carr-jokes)

126,950

Want your daily dose of vitamin C? Look at pictures of Donald Trump

224,029

What's the difference between a dry, moldy cranberry and an angry blue bird? One's a crazy heron, the other's a hairy Craisin. ^^^^^Credit ^^^^^to ^^^^^my ^^^^^wife.

178,168

I once saw my grandparents have sex And that's why I don't eat raisins

182,878

Why didn't Napoleon get his wish? Because he couldn't pull the wish Bonaparte.

164,541

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it goes to the toilet? Because the P is silent.

30,020

What dog has money? A bloodhound because he is always picking up scents (cents).

184,053

What do you get when two Samoans Fall off a couch? Tufaloffahsofa

102,053

What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights? A chicken

228,092

What city will Leo Dicaprio never visit ? Osaka.

135,617

[my 1st day as spelling bee host] your word is policy ""can you use it in a sentence"" um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

223,668

""That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice."" No Grandma, that's Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

134,534

Ask Me If I'm A Tomato

143,998

If I were Santa Claus, I'd have my agent be like ""He's not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car.""

197,209

[at Applebees on Christmas] God: Your food good? Jesus: Ya, it- *a crowd of servers surrounds them* Jesus: You didn't... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

17,925

Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they'll use them? In Watts. I'll see myself out now.

80,404

Why didn't the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10? He said ""I still love Vista, baby!""

20,344

I carry around a note in my wallet that says, ""The curse must be passed, I'm so sorry"" in case it's ever stolen.

131,689

My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.

104,154

Shouting, ""You're all pathetic idiots!"" to freedom of speech protesters... Soon changes their tone.

17,153

Every Winter, one bear chooses not to hibernate. Instead, he stocks up on Sharpies and turns all of the brown bears into black bears.

195,848

What's under the Pillsbury Doughboy's apron? Doughnuts

198,460

Good luck making the Instagram most viewed page if you're not an adorable Japanese teenager eating frozen yogurt.

21,610

Why isn't there a Superpig? It's too hard for a pig to change clothes in a telephone booth.

20,087

My girlfriend just got mad and accused me of stalking her. Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

112,317

What's the Welsh word for shearing a sheep? Foreplay

130,426

[Wheel] _'D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_ I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat Go ahead I'd like to solve the puzzle Yes, go ahead No, I'd like to..

170,907

I used to play water polo But the horse drowned

156,883

Why did the algae end up at school? She wanted to buy an algae bra.

31,438

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, ""YES!""

158,635

What happens when you go to the bathroom scared? A spooky dookie.

54,086

I had to break up with my Chinese girlfriend... An hour after eating her, I was horny again.

30,593

Zebra joke! I heard that zebras are neutral about racism.

133,048

Have you ever had sex while camping? Its fucking intence.

121,468

If by ""eat clean"" you mean ""donuts in the shower"", then yes - I eat clean.

224,171

I woke up with a raging hard on.... I called my wife over and told her to fix my clock. She said ""that doesn't look like a clock."" I responded, ""if you put a face and 2 hands on it it does.""

169,456

A buddhist walks up to a hotdog vender... ...says make me one with everything.

92,461

If you want sex... A man tells his wife in bed that if she wants sex to reach over and pull on it once. If she doesn't, reach over and pull it 100 times.

157,660

The tornado warning siren has just stopped going off That's either good or terrible

120,037

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

16,441

Why is Santa's sack so big??? Well, he only cums once a year...

16,393

What's the three toughest years of a bass player? Second grade.

74,710

So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you've hit,i will be removing mine

11,300

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)

21,794

The first time I've had sex was like the first time I rode my bike My dad was holding me from behind

152,052

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

41,247

I can't believe that Trump is banning Muslims from the U.S. Like, Syria-sly America?

96,901

If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said I wouldn't need a small loan of a million dollars

101,275

Hey movie villains make a bomb where the wires are all one color.

92,394

i've dated so many tools i could open a home depot

111,350

What does a black guy do after sex? 15 to life.

119,251

I aged about 2 years and counted 14,364 cat hairs on my cashiers blouse at Walmart waiting for her to ring up my groceries.

151,577

What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? For one you get tweetment and the other you get oinkment...

54,989

I like my women like I like my cigars 7 years old and coming from Cuba in a burlap sack

28,040

I've heard a lot of gossip about molasses today. It's nothing more than viscous rumours.

82,730

There are lots of reasons to hate the Nazis. Mine? They didn't finish the job.

141,446

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs? A condescending con descending.

182,202

What does a ghost pick out of his nose? Boo-gers

30,071

I'm in favor of spanking children. Their parents are not.

146,420

What did the nudist criminal say when he agreed to a criminal plan? ""I'm in, but I'm not decent.""

14,272

How do you know when you're at a gay picnic? The hotdogs taste like shit.

218,070

I bought a friend an elephant for his room. He said, ""Thanks!"" and I said, ""Don't mention it""

83,015

My old physics professor: Times flies when you're having fun, Or as frogs say, times fun when you're having flies... That was a long semester

33,733

Oedipus the King You know, Oedipus the king really gives new meaning to the term ""mother fucker"".

38,273

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice ... In a row. They're in rotation.

127,456

Patrick and Bruce Patrick Bateman and Bruce Wayne are having a business lunch together. Suddenly, Bruce senses something is wrong, and looks at his watch. ""Sorry to be so rude, but I've got to Bale"".

108,671

How many dead schoolgirls does it take to change a lightbulb? Obviously more than four because my basement's still dark.

81,332

Teacher: What is the unit of energy? Students: Yes!

98,523

""Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.""n""What makes you so sure?""n""He is a penguin.""

137,733

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

194,223

Which type of soup is the heaviest? Won-ton soup

206,888

What would To Kill a Mockingbird be called if Harper Lee was an alcoholic? Tequila Mockingbird.

81,804

Why are relationships complex? Because you're real, but your girlfriend is imaginary

100,383

How can you tell if a road is sad? It has low shoulders.

211,278

HAPPY NEW YEAR letter to mods AAEEHNPPRWYY

114,624

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe WISE MAN #2: frankincense WISE MAN #3: myrrh ME: *pulls out Chili's gift card* I hate you guys

22,192

Why doesn't Justin Bieber like Sports Authority? Because he likes Dicks.

61,307

I like to make jokes about summarizing stories without context. For example: *...Long story short, my mother isn't allowed to walk on the neighbor's lawn anymore*

88,497

An app.. An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you. -Twitters new slogan

219,886

[making flamingos] God: bird. Adam: got it. G: but it stand still a lot. A: ok.. G: on one leg. A: how high are you? G: make it pink.

107,740

What do the french call 4/20? 80

150,139

How come sneezes get a ""God Bless You"" but coughs get a cold unflinching silence?

56,769

What do you call hundreds of crows at a Catholic church? A mass murder.

157,826

What university has the most brightest students and staff? University of Brighton

7,972

This guy went for an interview with Buzzfeed What happened next will shock you

119,166

Which fairground ride is made of iron? The ferrous wheel

203,810

What is a Jawa's favorite food? Poutini!

126,774

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don't know anything about it

218,272

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

119,209

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing plastic wrap underwear. Psychiatrist says ""Well, i can clearly see your nuts.""

41,827

One isn't a real number, Real numbers have curves.

16,060

What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman ? Snowballs

22,855

Why is it so expensive to live in Ireland? Cause they keep *Dublin* the taxes.

9,124

Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth.

193,949

If storks bring white babies and crows bring black babies, then what brings no babies? Swallows

103,852

They say you can't tell a funny joke about terrorism, but you can. It's all in the execution.

118,848

Why were the people in twin towers upset? They ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plane

60,632

When I tell jokes my friends call me a faggot but I suppose it's just because they think i'm a bundle of shticks.

199,095

How is Star Trek like toilet paper? It circles Uranus looking for Klingons.

109,278

Actually, I'd rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I'm going in there, because HELLO PIE.