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I dream about it now. Speeding down the hills with trees
flashing by. | When I had it the tires were always going flat. I live at the top of
a fucking mountain and I fucked up my knees and hips grinding back home
from work. |
I’m someone
who lets the neighbors’ dog kill my cat and I just take it, I guess. My
sponsor talked me out of reporting it to animal control. | Strike one is
nothing. Strike two: city kills the dog. |
We have identical nipples. Never thought to
be grateful for my nipples before. | But I’ve been catching girls lately with
eight square feet of nipple meat. Each areola bump should be a nipple of its
own. |
It’s my birthday and it sucks and I’ll
be miserable. Have to go to fucking work. | A mountain of tasks. They may ormay not throw me a surprise luncheon that I don’t want but if they don’t do it
I’ll be pissed. |
Maybe 35. Too old but she
still has something. | She’s fucked a lot of men in bands. She’s done slip and
dips at hole in the wall art gallery openings with her belly full of Two Buck
Chuck and cheese cubes. |
I rediscovered myself. Who I really am is a cringing unmanned
dork with a hunched spine and raisin nuts. | Girls used to smile at me on the
street. Now I’m a slug that came out in the rain. |
I’m raging hard. And I can’t, I can’t; it would be unconscionable.
This is a moment for me. | She was sent by God to break my sex addiction. I
am not a bad person. |
He lingered a beat too long until the Regional Brand Outreach
Manager impatiently cleared her throat.
It went well. His team knew Ellen! They’d optimized Target and Tide’s co-
branded Ellen! cross promotion of Jane the Virgin. | It told Hispanic moms
about Tide’s soothing effect on neonatal skin. Tide was a viscous blue serum
derived from volcanic ash. |
You’re sitting here
shivering over a 1000 word screed about your coke hangover and your eyes
look like a fucking horror movie. Get up man. | Go outside. The day awaits.Tomorrow is Another Day
Yesterday was gonna be the day I stoppe d drinking. |
But if you came up here for the bunker I’m
in it.
He looked at Marcy, then at Kent, then at Marcy.
You don’t know about the bunker, said Kent.
Is there food?
Enough for me to wait it out for a while, said Kent. But not too long.
Anyone else with you?
Just me, said Kent. | Would you like to take a look?
I should lock the car.
We’ll wait, said Kent.
**
He came back with the .45 in his belt. Red means dead. |
What do
you want.
You guys have food, the man said. His eyes dipped to Marcy.
We can’t help you man.
I don’t mean any harm.
The fuck you don’t. | Get the fuck out of here.
I just want to talk man. Please– but he kept looking at Marcy. |
She had no one. No family. | If I get to the point where I
might live but wouldn’t be me anymore, she said, I need you to have them
pull the plug. He didn’t know how he would ever do it, but, how could he say
no.
He would drive her to chemo, to radiation; she would tell him stories in the
car. |
Big dogs replace a man. Women with dogs
always die alone. | She had a pit bull mix. It wore a bandana.
He messaged her “cunt.” Waited for the three dots in a bubble to know she’d
seen it. |
I could have reversed this up until now just by
beating off. I’d be out of the program. | I’d have called her and gone. Held
hands by the cormorants. |
It opened out. A face.
It was
him.
The boy with the public radio mom he’d fucked on coke five years ago. | He’d be seventeen but helooked like a man. Forty. |
Still slurring her words and shit
and can’t walk properly . Still giggly . | They’re gonna take her home
and so one guy asks where she lives. And she says: I don’t know .
Haha.They’re like what? How do you not know where you live? She just
keeps saying I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know . |
At a minimum. I don’t like it. | I do it
for her .
I can cook. Pretty eyes. |
You knew , when you
were “under ,” that it all didn’t matter . You were the same person but
you knew it would be like it never happened. | You sucked it up and
you kicked ass and baby got a new pair of shoes.
He had gotten ahead. Or so they told him. |
It too was looking at him. High in the tree a pair ofsquirrels had stopped. | He saw a raccoon's eyes under a tree trunk split in
half by lightning strike. Coyotes, gray against the rocks. |
We’re going to Two Boots after, she said. Do you want to come. | But
I had to take Astrid home. And showing up with Astrid was the only reason
this girl spoke to me in the first place. |
Her pedicure had grown out. Her nails like talons.
Metallic teal polish chipped into scattered shapes like ice melting on a black lake. | Her shaking made
them
clickclickclickclick
on the imported fruitwood inlay.
He knew her name. He called her, and she came to him. |
In it, a gnarled yellow
dick in a gnarled yellow hand, the latter pumping furiously . The man’ s
pubic hair was a tangle of white like a wizard’ s beard and he jerked
and jerked and groaned and groaned. | One of the monitors was
visible. On it a Latina woman presented her ass to the camera and
looked back, concentrating as she tried to stuff a half hard arm-thick
horse’ s penis into it.
The horse cock was white with brown spots. |
I’m achieving my dreams. Do you
know that my second book is out. | People like it; it’s not bad I gather but I
have no fucking idea anymore. Looking at it one more time is a bridge too
far. |
I come home and it’s not home now.
Just stuff. Coming up the driveway without you running in the corner of my
eye, scared of running you over. | You weaving yourself into my legs while I
was on the toilet. You crunching Meow Mix next to me while I was in the
bath. |
On your night date the How’s
OKCupid for You talk happens. I actually went on another date today, she
tells you. | He was nice. He’s an architect. |
It’s a Tesla. God knows where he got the money but you can
open it with your phone. | I unplugged it from the back of the Days Inn
hooker hotel. Drove it at 110 out to the brothel he keeps in Redlands, now
that his wife left him. |
When
they saw him they went nuts. Tom Cruise! they screamed, pointing. | Donald Trump!
Rodrigo Duterte! he said pointing back, and they laughed. To the right the mangroves formed a
channel. |
We’ll find a radio. There are
people out there. | The police, the military. This is the United States of America. |
Leaves with a kind word. I like her spirit. | Her perfectteenage skin next to my grisly middle aged sac with its snowy hairs like
Kenny Rogers’ beard. She talks about her homework and it makes me hard.
If I text her and she’s doing laundry I think: she’s leaving me. |
I should get an Xbox.Dirty Mexican Cunt
I stole this title from some other writer she’s fucking now. She sent me one of
his poems. | I had to beg her. She does not want to discuss her love life. |
Bump ing into him with his kids at the ice cream
shop. Oh, are you on a hot date, he says cheerfully . | He gets a beautiful
Aryan wife and Chinese office side piece. Her pulsating pussy . |
We were at the downtown Standard. Pool party.
The day looked like a lost cause; four guys for every girl and those guys were
plumb ugly. | We were both screwed. But then you came up with this black
Lesbian couple and suddenly the day turned around. |
My writing enjoyed by hundreds of thousands of people. Tech
billionaires try to hire me for $200 an hour to write TedX type shit. | I say no.
I have integrity . My shoes aren’ t so bad. |
Waited for the chat window. Typed. | Your fucking mandatory
update erased my files–
Agent–
Live agent–
LIVE AGENT
Did you mean:
I’d like to purchase a new Surface Pro
, it said.Hyper Elite Disrupter
In the morning he fished around in his trunk. He’d remembered something.
The now filthy tent tarp covered everything. |
I don’t want to hit you or pretend to rape you or shit on
you or put an ice cube in your ass or dress you up as a pony or have you peg
me. I want to fuck you. | If you need an explanation of the mechanics I can
direct you to many fine video clips.
The one thing I do want is for you to be sweaty from the airplane. I want the
musk of your ovulating 25 year old cunt to have stewed and marinated on the
long flight. |
In the morning, a bloody hook hung from
the car bumper. An AA girl takes a thousand lifetimes of gnarly dick but
somehow touching mine will kill her.
Still, he’s right. | Sobriety is good. My sex habits: bad. |
She doesn’ t know yet that guys exactly like me but three
inches shorter will instantly of fer to buy any Asian woman a house.
She’d been to school in Utah. Told me about a Mormon practice called
soaking where you fully penetrate your girlfriend before marriage but don’t
move. | After she left I came twice furiously . Smelling my hands thinking
about soaking her into an unwanted pregnancy .
All week I knew I’d be working Sunday . |
I had a nice
time with you.
Yeah, me too, he said. Let’ s uh…
You’re going to invite me over for chicken.
Correct. | How about it.
OK, she said. Text me. |
She had second shift to listen
for killers but when he woke up her cheek was nestled in his armpit. Her hair on his neck still wet,
smelling like campfire smoke and swimming pool. | The rain calmed down to a tap tap tap on a
detached gutter pipe somewhere and a gray light was picking up. Her fingers on his collarbones and
her eyes were opening and she was pulling down the zipper in his 25 degree rated sleeping bag and
kissing him. |
Let it go, he told her. His palm on
the back of her neck, kissing her hair. | Let it go. It gave you a life that
brought us together . |
Except one guy .
I’m one of God’ s perfect creatures. Here to experience beauty in the world.
Moved by this I went out in public. | Sat in a shady patch in the park. Every
conversation around me: Pokem on. |
Conservative scam woman who should
be doing traffic and weather on small market TV, reading the
farm report while five old guys in Indiana jerk off at 5AM- get
one of those. Get a Filipina one that looks like Michelle Malkin.
Could I lay pipe in actual Michelle Malkin. | What would that
take. Is there such a thing as think tank pussy .
18. |
Put me in her asshole and I just
liked looking at it. As soon as she got going I sprayed a corn silo full of goointo her sigmoid . | I said goodb ye. Cleaned off. |
Bad skin. Gingerly applying foundation.
Point being I should avoid looking at my phone.
Today I wasted, looking at Twitter and Sopranos clips. | The day was already
fucked. At 5:10 AM the neighb ors dropped something. |
Then I can stop thinking
about it.
Anyway.Mr. Universe
And now I’m shirtless in the park. | Trimmed my chest hair this morning. Feel
like a naked pink baby. |
I
fingerfucked her in her car instead. A black Camry or something with a tan or
gray interior. | Pink panties.
I fucked her on the second date and then a couple more times until we drifted
apart. Last I heard from her she was getting married to another tall skinny
white man with a large broken nose. |
I will
not fold them. She will not text me. | I will not open the door and it’ s her.
The Tight Underwear
My new underw ear is too tight. If I wear the waistband low it will cut off
my femo ral arteries. |
I didn’ t care. But she went on a trip. | I never saw her
again.
**
I’ll never meet my future wife. So what. |
30 cats
but no young guys until the very last cat in the very last row. Black and fluffy
with a white star on his chest. | Who’s this handsome fellow. He’s one of the
bucket cats, the woman said. |
The
purpose of this hobby web site is to help other people feel less alone. You
can feel less alone about good t hings too. | H opeful things.
Anyway I figured that out. Hit save and closed the laptop. |
The
other guy who saw me putting you in a headlock clearly hadn’t called
the cops either , there were no cops on the streets. The good peopleof Tarzana would hear you screaming like Kitty fucking Genovese
and just turn up the TV .
Eventually I lost you. | There was a patch of woods with a big fence
around it. The fence continued for a long way in one direction, and I
realized it must contain some kind of train or busway . |
The rest of them. Cute girls under 30
don’t last in the program. | Too many cool guys with free coke. Or if they do
they form little packs. |
Raspy and tired like waking up
from a long sleep. Is there anyth ing you'd like to tell me. | And she said: can
I have some more money .
What You’re Up Against
I’m sorry but I have to leave early , she tells me. Client in V entura.
The old man sends a car. |
I’m
leaving.
We have a year left
I’m requesting a transfer for abuse. They’ll give me the money prorated.
Please, just don’ t make this hard. | If you ever cared about me, just sign–
I said yes. I was 46.
**
I don’t know what happened to her. |
S o what are you doing now, she said.
I don’t know. You want to come up the hill with me?
Mayyyyyyyyyyybe, she said. | But I don’t want you to think I’m gonna fuck you.
No need to get ahead of ourselves.
I kind of have a boyfriend.
… how long?
Kind of long. But I kind of want to go home with you too.
Nothing bad’s going to happen.
OK, she said. |
Even with
the fake name. She gets vengeful about this sort of thing.
Well what can you do. | What I said is true. So I said it. |
Ass like
she deadlifts regularly. And she wouldn’t even jack me off.
She drizzled hot oil on me and stroked my ass crack and inguinal crease for
an hour. | When it became clear that she wasn’t grasping at my angry red penis
in its little sheet tent I asked. She said eef I do that I go to jail. |
It was a pill in those days;
you took it with breakfast and forty five minutes later you ceased forming
new memories. He was nervous, but on the first day he came to swimming in
and out of remembering in his car, and there was a post-it on the dash. | He
had beaten the office’s all time one day record for customer retentions. On
the passenger seat was a joke trophy the guys kept in the break room. |
Long white hair almost like The Witcher . Gaun t face like a
greyhound. | Not tall but a quali ty about him. Like a Jewish version of the
old man from Phantasm.
So you want to keep your hair, he said. |
If we’re gonna die we’re gonna die. How do you feel?
I feel OK.
Me too.
Did you cum in me?
I did.
What if I get pregnant?
We’ll eat it.
She laughed.
**
Since the last strike was East they went West. | Neither knew the roads. Their phones used to tell
them. |
Did you hear,
Delicious Tacos fucked the art teacher. Rumors spread. | Murmurs stirring
something dark and unholy in the schoolgirls’ loins. Women only know to
fuck men who fuck other women. |
I just can’ t enjoy anything. Y ou get the opposite head injury
that you pray for. | Three weeks and my head feels like someone hit it with apipe yesterday . Might have a scab sitting on my brain slowly making me
unable to remember words like… like… faggot, relax. |
Get better clothes
50. What I’m gonna do is go pray. | Make peace with God. And if I
got a girl I wouldn’ t want her. |
Like Dusty told him. Pulled it just slightly away from his face until he
could see a magnified head in the scope glass, shaking along with his hands. | Weird light effects from
the dirty lens dancing around the hair. A black shape like a sliver of moon slid around under the
crosshairs. |
Later their son fell
off his bike and got a scratch. She had insisted on purchasing a new,
separate tube of ointment, even though he had looked it up on the
internet and the one for cats was the exact same ingredients as the
one for people. | Y ou’re sure.
Look, I don’t have a specifi c memory of the soap among 15,000
other items. But I bought it. |
And I can’t push. That
will make the hemorrhoid pop out. | You have to be patient. Just let it drop.
The prescription strength stool softener does nothing. |
Leave nasty Amazon reviews.
Comments on my web site. Punch up your writing more, they tell me.
Listen faggot– you go write some shit. | You could practice for a thousandyears and never approach what I pull out of my ass. From now on one
comment is allowed: I’m a woman, fuck me. |
Presented
the check. I think this is a joke, she said. | But can you check to be sure. The
teller gave a half smile and went to get the manager . |
High as a big church clock tower with one green branch living. Here
before men came. | Oil smoke color clouds moving, taking on strange
shapes. A black phoebe perched on a dead tumbleweed, swayin g on a stalk
in the hot wind. |
He got a bird. The
neighbor wants a picture, fine.
He got back to work hauling trash cans to the curb. | It was 7AM,
garbage day. Every ten week s or so he’d be a good citizen and take
down his building’ s cans. |
Did you
do it, she said.
Yes.
OK there is only one more thing. You will get a text with an address. | You need to take the drive
there.
OK, then maybe–
Yes, baby. After. |
Who fucking cares dude. Let it go.
Norman Greenbaum’s ”Spirit in the Sky “ comes on the radio. | The blonde
says she’s had internships where they didn’t know what to do with me, it’s
silly. She is 21 years old. |
I don’t want to be in Paris Review, I
said. I want young girls to think I should be in Paris Review. | And it’s
working.
Really it hadn’t occurred to me. I think my work is shit. |
Tweens were tough. But in CPG you got them
through the moms. | Ellen! had moms.
Ellen! planned to profile a transgender teen. There were two candidates.
Candy, 14, was a figure skater from Oklahoma. |
Which is
probably true. But comprehending it is like grasping the true size of the
universe. | Your mind isn’t built for it.
Meanwhile my organs are failing. Could be gallbladder worms from the
Philippines. |
Fritz was typing suddenly. It worked, he said.
OK–
I’m gonna get fifty grand for this. | Go down to Venezuela. Stay out of the cities man, they’re only
gonna hit where the “abominations” live. |
Spent too much money on sushi and I’d feel a
lot bette r if the night ended with a fuck. But maybe I’ll never get laid again.
I need Lara because I need an Asian. | The specific Japanese porno muff with
long thick point y hairs splaying straight out of fat dark pussylips taint and
asshole.
**
Tonight is my second date with what the fuck is her name. Rebecca. |
Beautiful
like her but this one had wings. And he thought: just my fuckin luck. | I Haven’t Had an Intelligent Thought
in Five Years
Jesus Christ I’m a middle aged man living alone in a one bedroom
apartment with no door on the oven. I used to say a dirty toilet but you can
eat off it now. |
Half cotton half poly wrinkle free dress shirts. I’m an
ordinary working American they talk about in campaign ads. | Except I’m
alone, no one loved me, no one married me; the only thing that could be
worse is if someone had. I have a stupid web site nobody reads. |
They’d met at the duck pond. He
didn’t know where else to take a date. | The coots had gone. Buffleheads and wigeons moved on to
summer feeding grounds. |
If she did,
her brain had been deprived of oxygen. She would not be herself. | I
understand that her wish was not to be resuscitated. We have some
papers you’ll need to sign. |
Dig tiger pit with some horses hit women like as bait- stupid
apps, SSRIs, I don’t even know what girls like. Horse posters .
Dogs. | Just get a dog and have it be my GF. Oh shit a dog. |
Sometimes shit happens by accident.
I bet you do OK. He took a drag. | She did too. I used to go out to pick up boys
too but I’m through with that shit now. |
This was AA meeting #150 for me.
AA meeting # 1 where I showed up with a tart in a tight dress. #1 where a
girl spoke to me after. | I hate women.
Well good, my sponsor tells me when I tell him the news. You got a girl’s
phone number in real life. |
Drivers of unusual Mini Coope rs with ski racks.
Girls with weird old money inbred jawlines and purple hair discussing a
Tumblr about Women in Tech. People using the word c ur at e. | C ur at e is the
new m one t i z e . Get paid for something worthless. |
Alexa, play music, he
said.
OK. What kind of music would you like?
Anything.
She chose DeBussy’ s La Mer. | He’d commen ted on it once in a text, 30
years ago. Alexa, I’m hungry . |
Short order cook. Door to
door salesman. | Telemarketer. Register at a drug store in a neighborhood filled with Soviet Bloc
Jewish elderly yelling and yelling about the flyer not applying to 32 oz. |
A
nice accent. I choked her. | Her text after said you’re someone I could really
fall for. I fucked her on duck pond date 20 months ago. |
Whatever else he has of
hers. I have a right to it, he thought. | More than him.
He walked down the driveway and up to the black metal gate of Jack’s
building. The buzzers weren’t marked but he tried the handle; unlocked. |
He asked: how was your day .
To be honest, I just got out of jail.
Well it’s settled, he thought.
He liked her. She was a painter and she went to jail for stealing
paint. | A tube of cobalt blue costs $65 apparently . She’d had to
spread her vagina and ass in a cold auditorium while sherif f’s
deputies searched for needl es. |
It was his birthday. He was 39.Nest Egg
He was reviewing his finances. | He’d worked two years. Now he had six months of money.
If I get fired tomorrow and couldn’t collect unemployment. |
Upside down at first. Flipped it. | The computer burbled. Sounds like an old ball joint creaking
on a washed out dirt road. |
Their vinyl 12 step poster is like the AA one, except it’s
diagnostic. 1) We admitted that we used intimacy for (blah blah blah, some
bad reason). | A list of symptoms, kind of like “you might be a redneck if.”
And if you compulsively use OKCupid for unprotected sex with strangers, no
intention of seeing them again despite your “looking for” listing saying only
“long term dating…” you might just happen to be a redneck.
You wanted to change. You stopped drinking. |
New things hadn’ t come to replace them.
But he’d lost weight.
Are you writing, are you workin g, what’ s up, she said. He said yes and yes.
Trying to comm ission an oil painting for a book cover . | A naked woman
with a rampant unicorn. Maybe you know someone.
The painters I know are expensive, she said.
And how are you, he asked. |
Need to do laundry . On the drive talk to my
AA sponsee. | Tell him what my AA sponsor said to say which is about the
definition of insanity . Get home cook the pork chop put the clothes in the
wash do deadlifts with the barbell I bought. |
Their bark has been ravaged
by the pine beetle. It preys on vulnerable pines in times of dearth.
What’s more this jerkoff’s gigantic head is blocking my view of the one hot
Asian chick in the cafe. | Do not sit between a man and a hot young piece of
ass, if your skull is the size and shape of a wall mounted air conditioning
unit. There is another girl across from me. |
I spat on a finger,
stuck it in. Started to feel something. | Slimy cherry size lump covered in
smooth wet skin like a salamander’s back. When touched it recoiled, like an
animal. |
They’d found others, paired off. They were getting fat
and ready . | The men sang still less; they were fixated on dive bombing
people and cats who passed too close to the trees. Pestering crows.
Their hormones had changed. |
Fuck you, I’m not doing that. I’m leaving.
To the jungle, where people are so poor they have to pretend to like me.
Where the nativ es beat their women. | Knock them up at fifteen and leave.
They grow up in cinder block huts drinking sewer water so my four walls
and TV and Brita pitcher: wealth of the pharaohs. Yes I’m exploiting
people. |
While you’re there, in
the five minutes you tear yourself away from a squealing ringworm-infested
meatpile of pubescent human beings sold to you by their mothers, their
sisters… here’s a loan for your oil pipeline. Here’s a credit swap for the
president’s cousin to invest the proceeds from de-nationalization of thenational forest. | 50,000 acres of teak becoming Suharto’s personal property,
or Sukarno, or whoeverthefuck it is now. Some grinning squinting goblin
whose grandfather played ball with Kissinger.
He bought a slave in Honduras. |
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