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It took what felt like minutes to squirm off the startled guy’s member. He was in a huge room, impossibly huge, a cathedral lit by fire and all around him impossible horrible things were happening.

A long dining room table with children eating from a tureen of human shit, an elderly woman skewered by a screaming stallion, everywhere dozens of people and animals were being fucked, being tortured, screaming, laughing, crying. High above at a podium Saul Krauss, of the Connecticut Krausses, Chairman and CEO of United Los Angeles Times/ America Online Incorporated, was overseeing it all, issuing commands, laughing and masturbating. He got the gag off, screamed again, got up, tried to run, but found he had a diaper around his knees.

It required a more cautious driving style. But the OEM 917.51 engine was well known among enthusiasts: the most reliable motor ever built. Ever think about getting the one of the biodiesel conversions? See a lot of those around. If it’s hot enough you can run it on vegetable oil as is. That so? Yeah.

Biodiesel you have to swap the hoses out. As is it’ll run veg, kerosene, jet fuel– anything but gas. Well you should get one of those stickers.

And yes, you fucked her. Yes, you made her stand over the cat bowl on the porch on the off chance that your 70 year old neighbor would look out his window.

He’s a sweet man and deserves something to look at. But it wasn’t dirty.

Tight turning radius for such a long luxury sedan. Old tires struggling in the sand.

He shut it off. Waited while the engine grumbled, for a long time.

Couple hours to crank out, couple more to edit and there you have it. But you aren’t responsible.

It’s from some antenna you put out and it happens to pick up a signal. Ideas sit for years before the way to crack them hits you.

You take off your clothes but you can leave your panties on. You tickle my back.

Maybe whisper in my ear a little. I want intimacy.

They are necessary here. For many years, trouble. Are you– Am I ISIS? I am a Muslim, sir.

But all people are my brothers and sisters. We are in your country too.

She has herpes, she’s had syphilis. She doesn’t give a fuck.

Her hair is tastefully colored. She walks back, pulls her eyes far to the right to avoid making eye contact with me.

They need it to grow. Otherwise they’re outcompeted by other conifers– Damn, Nature Channel. Each tree has both male and female cones.

See how there are different kinds? It can take a year for the female cones to be pollinated– Haha, so they can fuck themselves–Plants had mechanisms to prevent self-pollination, but she didn’t say so. She said yes and laughed.

At 9:10 he got an email. We have to delay until this afternoon.

Apologies. The bleachers might be dirty. Instead he microwaved his chili.

I’d still find something to complain about. Last night’s AA meeting. The speaker was hot.

Fat young Mexican from Moorpark named Stephanie. We flirted for two seconds after but then I got pulled into a talk with a guy.

Even her dewy little armpit is alluring, poppi ng out of a loose tank top. Contrast this with the waitress’ armpit, which has stretch marks.

Jogger woman’s armpit is stunning in comparison. I want to tongue the lilac scented Secret® out of it while plowing raw into her hot yeasty jogger’s cunt and prematurely ejaculating. She sees me looking.

I’ll need to cum into a Staples® brand C-fold paper towel in the office bathroom later, thinking of her. The seed that should have been hers.I want her very badly, and I could have her, but I can do nothing about it.

Sexual harassment laws-- the Sharia of our times.Autopilot He was awake. Hands on a steering wheel.

Bunch of banal shit then one real question. Yes she does get tired. But she’s able to sit down.

The show’s gotta be very different at 7PM the last day than now, I told her, trying to sound cool. At some point you must start thinking: oh, blow it out your ass.

We’re having a party , she said. Y ou should come. She gave the details.

So nice to see you she said. Her s‘s hissed a little. Something was wrong with the shape of her tongue. ** Their house was on a hill by the reservoir .

I don’t hate women but I don’t blame men who do. When will it end.

When I find a girl I love who loves me. For a minut e I thought that was gonna be you. Anyway , I’d rather not discuss it, I said.

They put a reservoir of the medicat ion right in your arm these days. You turned a dial in a combinatio n only you knew , for safety , and the correct dosage dripped out for however long you wanted.

Almost everybody had one, even Emily , who didn’t work. Just in case some trauma happened, or for a long plane ride.He’d been in a sales gig when it came out.

No exceptions. Once in a while engage in leisure.

To be a well rounded employee. Keep from cracking like Andrew Blaze.

It was for the blog. Which I wrote on off hours.

Unlike my previou s job where I wrote instead of working. But what if I can never work again.

I’ll die alone, slowly , in the worst way imaginable. That is a certainty .I hate this city.

I hate it in my bones because of the women. Not one good woman in LA.

Someone who wants to get rid of this corruption of the spirit with me and sit on the porch and sing and talk in the twilight; you home can the berries and I’ll protect you from the wolves.Lunch Break Diary: What’s on Your Mind Always something annoying going on. Never enough time.

Feel pressured; the need to put something on the blog. But this god damn squeaky door opening and closing behind me.

It just said TREEHOUSE CORPORA TION. It's a prank, said the mother . Throw it away . Yes, the girl agreed.

A prank. But it's funny .

It was like a hunger where you’d kill a man over a Dorito. It was like being on fire and fucking was the only way to put it out. Women didn’t quite feel that way.

They felt something complicated and weird until they met a tall man with the right size jawbone. Then suddenly their feelings were comparable.

A Mexican boy with the face and body of a 14 year old girl and a narrow hairless penis with an angry curve like a scimitar bobbe d on another boy’s lap. She had moves.

He’d been disturbed by his erection. Quickly x’d out the browser tab.

In the morning I searched chubby asian creampie on Bing and jerked it again four times. Either every man is like me, or I'm the only one.

Either way it's horrifying. There were age appropriate women at the party too. White women with good jobs who drink wine sensibly .

He is always asking to bring him a man like you.Ghost Wedding At night a burning star arced across the black sky to the north. Past the mountains.

They were in what was once a back yard. Cinder block walls around the pool still half intact.

How long ya’ll been married. 8 years 3 kids ma’am.

That’ s love. Went for the makeout with the gulls crying and the waves hissing up an up and it was like she’d been waiting. Like every woman who’ s lived in New York, she had herpes.

I’m telling you this so you know how hot she is. I’m telling you how hot she is so you know how great I am. Perfect face perfect teeth perfect eyes perfect pussy.

Get her drunk have her sleep next to you. She knows you might have Hepatitis C.

It was the first time I learned that people wipe their ass while they’re still sitting down. That split screen scene with fuckin cinder block head James V an Der Beek. I thought he was hot. You live around here? Yeah. With your family? Why, cuz I’m Mexican? Yes. No, I have a job and I pay rent.

I went to college and I’m not pregnant, Sean Bateman. The night is young. Haha. What about you? Up the hill. You here alone? I am. Why? I’m an alcoholic. Me too apparently , she said.

They started moving in on 13 territory by LAX. They were beefing but then check this out– he fell in love with a 13 woman– Wait how do you even know about the Pepperidge Farm guy– It’s on Family Guy .

You must be old enough to know the originals– They’re a client. A client of what? What is it you do exactly, anyway? It’s complicated. It has to do with marketing. Like what We gather information to help… brand elevation.

He was the top retainer of customers in the division and supervised a handful of his fellows. Emily didn’t have to work anymore.

The cars got bette r and the houses got bigger . Every day he came home bright and fresh as a daisy , smiling.

Ice cream truck with hand drawn unlicensed Spiderman on the side, playing “Music Box Dancer .” One of the teeth in the music box is broken; it’ s been missing a note for ten years. So much for meditation. The weed whacker groans on.

Biggest drought in history . There are no weeds.

Something something dark Satanic mills . The Industrial Revolution.

From some William Blake poem. The school was kids whose grandparents had money from factories and slaves.

They’re trying to say it all slow. One guy draws a picture of a house with a sun and a tree and stuff and makes a shrug gesture like– “home? Where home?” Just, I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know. They ask her so many times she starts crying. Oh my God. Finally they just drop her off at a 7-11. Holy shit. I know, right? Did they feel bad about it? He didn’t, but he’s a pig. She laughed a little.

That story’s kind of hot. Yeah, I’ve jerked off to it. He took his last drag. She did too.

Tomorrow you will feel better. Tomorrow.

Go to work. Have a productive day.

Die alone. Become white bearded skeleton.

House crushed in landslide. River forms over eons.

My despair is crypto for women. My rent crypto for “silent partners.” My time crypto for corporations.

And so on. They have their own 4chan bragging about returns from chewing out my organs.

As though anticipating my meatpipe. And shit: she said hi to me. She wants me to fill her with children.

I better say something. This is a message from God.

Go back and start a business. So doe s everyone else. Crushed an 18 y ear old’s pussy while she screamed in agony and her screams made me cum too fast.

Then I did it again. She cost 20 dollars.

The “microfiber” blends make my sac stink like an old lady. I was excited about the new underw ear; they were buy two get one free; the cashier was cute young and Asian and I got to ask her where the men’ s underwear was which made her think about me in it.

Doubtless picturing a much thicker imaginary versio n of my schlon g. And when she checked me out the credit card machine said LEAVE CARD INSER TED, which made me think: I’dlike to leave my COCK inserte d–in YOU.

He knocked. Coming, said the groaning voice. The peephole darkened. The door creaked open a crack. I’m glad you’re here, said Jack.

I’ve been waiting.He recognized the sinewy yellow hand that crept out. Reac hed out to shake it out of reflex.

13 illuminati suck up all world capital and a thousand black Chads hoard all American pussy . So be it.

All I want is a flesh robot that looks like a Japanese 14 year old. How has no one made this.

Her baby ointment smell. The doors shushhed open.

PLEASE EXIT THE TRAIN, said the cunt, and the girl stood up and ran out of the car barefoot like a startled faun. On the platform she stopped and looked back expectantly . He followed. She hurried through the commuter parking lot full of Kia Sorrentos for Inland Empire commuters headed downtown.

Maybe it had a shot. When he stumbled back up the hill with the bags Marcy was still there. We gotta go, he said. What did you get? Dog food.

Antibiotics. Water dechlorinator– if we find swimming pools– Marcy, we have to get out of here.

Crumb drawing. Short black skirt, periwinkle streak in her hair.

Taking a picture of the pond. She’s built funny, like a pear, but the wind teases her skirt a little; I want to lift it up and sniff around her ass crack to make sure it’s clean.

Imagine what else is out there. This is enough to live for.

To see even one bird, one cloud. Know for one moment you are part of God’s creation.

We’re innately evil. W e deserve suf fering. I want Anna back but she won’t speak to me.

Her sister had a manic episode. Crashed her car in flames on the freeway .

Not one second is wasted; you are a perfect machine working constantly. McDonald’s is the best managed company in the world, right down to the slightly subnormal woman with a weird limp who smokes unfiltered Pall Malls who’s in charge of your shift– she has been indoctrinated perfectly in how to make your day tight as a drum.

You aren’t grilling, you take out the trash, you sweep and mop. Drill sergeants aren’t this good.

Visible obliques. Even in soft light now.

I earn ninety four thousand dollars a year. Drive a new car. Live in a cool neighborhood.

Cleaning the toilet, a filthy log of shit breaching in piss yellow water with toilet paper snaked over the bowl and onto the floor about one out of every four times you went in there– the value of work. Girls were up front and boys were in the back. In theory it was an equal oppor tunity workplace free of gender discrimination but not a single girl worked the spattering grill or dollied sixty pound cases of frozen beef patties down to the dark freezer or hauled trash bags the size of refrigerators full of imperfect meat out to the dumpster.

Not a single guy ran the cash register or talked to customers. People want to see a smiling girl with perky tits.

I'll die alone. Still broke.

Afraid of my demented 120 year old landlady who can raise my rent up and up in the midst of the rent crisis . Suck out in weeks what it took me years to make.

I did help cause problems. I’m sorry for that. And for what I’m about to do. 50 Ways to Get a Girlfriend 1.

Continue with Hinge 2. Continue “shoring” on Seeking Arrangement.

No one is. No one is even passionate about money; they go after money because they have no passion and don’t know what else to do with their lives.

But we want you to be motivated by passion, not a paycheck. Because we don’t want to pay you. Rock star needed.

OKCupid is a god damn wasteland. This is the year Tinder broke it.

For a brief shining moment you could get laid by typing interesting words on a keyboard. Now no one reads.

I’m bringing him back to meet my family , she said. I want her to be happy , but honey if you do five grams of pure coke every day then stop– things will be different.

Both of you will gain weight at least. The Subaru dealership was backed up. They said it would take three hours for an oil change.

So what, you come here to pick up girls?I come here to get drunk. Sometimes shit happens by accident. I bet you do OK.

He took a drag. She did too.

I mean, my face, but you always said I was hot– Asian women can’t tell when white men are ugly. And vice versa. One of the few blessings God gave us, in dating.

Otherwise, whether we’re loved is dictated by the shape of our skull. You were with me for my body . She was too.

Cums every time I eat her out. She tastes nice.

Sticking the first two inches in against her fake objections without a condom on, Assange style, I feel her pulsating around me. She does a lot of kegels. Can’ t help but think about her being my wife.

Plus there’ s a disturbing trend now of black men and Asian women. White men used to be their “bad boy,” but they’ve correctly surmised that we too are weak small penis nebbishes. Fashionable Kanye looking blacks will absorb all world pussy .

Even Asians, the only good kind. Pussy capitalism reaches new nadirs.

Things got better for a minute then regressed below normal. There are still issues to work through.

Still growth to be had, my spon sor tells me. He tries to sell me on further twelve step programs. Al-Anon.

But then that was 2013. What have I done for me lately.

Can’t write good shit because now I have to work. I could barely do it unemployed. Chris Batchelder does not have this problem.

I’m a 40 year old male secretary and I go to bed at 9PM and I still shred two new pieces of ass a month. Inner life is sadness, dreading the morning, scrutinizing my widows peak; watch my eyeballs turn permanently red like I’ve always just had an airbag deploy in my face.

Giant scrotum; weird bulky potato nuts. Dick a shriveled blue acorn at temperatures below one hundred eight degrees.

Try to remember there’s no hell. If there is, you’re not going there for writing on even numbered lines in a notebook .

Your mother won’t get in a car crash with her face on fire because you didn’t climb stairs properly. All people must suffer like this. They just don’t talk about it.

I don’t need more things to love and be afraid of losing. All your fears are true. You will die.

You will die painfully. The least painful death conceivable is the guillotine.

You had to make me unhappy like you. What has it been, Jim, one minute? I can’t tell anymore.

They made me with a clock, Jim. Except now each instant contains an infinitude of feeling.

Every minute imagining a rapist vivisecting them. You make a kid, you make a target for acid throwers.

Limb severers. As it is I spend at least ten minutes per day picturing a van fragging the cat with its back tires. That’s enough.

Suck it up and kill time dreaming of the axe. Wait till it’s over.

Two thousand more hours to go.Underage Ass Went down the block to get a Patra Burger. The Echo Park Christmas parade was going on.

Let me get some clothes for you. She stood up and unzipped the tent. Walked out under insane stars and was gone for what felt like a long time.

He heard a yip and then a scream in the distance. Heard her padding back across the salt mud.

Always in Tour de France gear. Kayaking.

Arms raised atop a forbidding crag. I’m still a man, they insist. The guy with game blew it.

When his bag was almost too heavy he made to leave. Where you gonna go, said Dusty. Don’t know. Anyone else in that building make it? … just me. Well good luck out there homie, said Dusty, and they hung quiet for a second like they should add each other on Facebook. ** Marcy was still in the car, thank God.

He had to smash the Flame Broiler Teriyaki Bowl’s glass sliding door with a jack handle. The gas main had ruptured and the customers and cashiers burned alive, still smoking along with the griddle top beef and broccoli.

Just looking at him. She exhaled and it swept into his dress shirt collar and tickled his collarbones.

He didn't move his face. Just his eyes to see if anyone was looking. The car mostly empty .

They get horny touching my chiseled back and listening to me be a genius. She was magnificent.

Filipina with the Thai temple tits and an ass like a Nicaraguan and she pretend ed to be impres sed when I stuttered nakaka intindi ka ba naung Tagalog? You know , my books are well known in the Philippines. Readers there tell me they’re happy someone’ s telling it like it really is. Why yes, I interviewed sex workers, I explained. It was her first Seeking Arrangement date.

Work out all you want and get a nice haircut but you’re never going to be as good to fuck as you were at fifteen. Smooth skin, a little downy hair, a dick that gets hard fast and gets hard again and again. Pert little balls, not the H.P.

Lovecraft flesh sac hanging off my battered and impotent member now. She wanted to taste my sweet smelling young dick.

How will your mom react if she sees me at the funeral. What is this flower on this tree.

Why are you not here to tell me. You always knew.

What was available was an AR- 15 with an upper modified to fire .22LR instead of .556 rounds. Which even he knew was pointless. They should fucking know this was going to happen, said the guy in front of him.

He had red hair and a face like they’d pulled him out of a river. There’s gonna be a run on AR’s when you get an action like this.

When’ s the last time a law helped you. Or maybe not.

But it feels like it, so it is. I could pay $80 for a college girl to- not even to fuck me, to touch me off Seeking Arrangement. But I won’ t do the emotional labor .

I mean who cares, my world is my computer . I should have let them fire me. I didn’ t want to tinker with shit, change shit.

Can't work just to do more work anymore. Should have let them fire me.

Part of her job was shepherding teenage Japanese pop acts. The girls came to LA and took acid in public.

Posted broken English Craigslist ads looking for black American boyfr iends. Got raped.

I’m staying. She meant it. He walked back into the hills alone.

The face in the moon seemed to laugh.Funeral She won’t come with me. She doesn’t care about me.

There had been a complication. One of the tumors was near an artery and they had nicked it.

She was on blood thinners and was bleeding out. She might never wake up.

Old ones go in my car to wipe the dipstick. Soon I’ll have paid off debt.

Saved money. A travel fund.

He’s shown in a pink tie at a black church swaying awkwardly while a woman glances sideways at the camera like she expects spiders to pour out of it. MSNBC has a thing where they put the lights right in the pro-T rump panelists’ eyes so they blink constantly .

The liberals never blink. T rump doesn’ t hate Mexicans, explains a Mexican he hired. MSNBC plays to four million vampires and the five of us in the room. We’re the news demo.

Over and over with big jagged breaths between. He smeared blood off his cheek.

Pulled back on the cold gun bolt. A cartridge came flying out, just like it was supposed to.

He looked and there she was. The girl.

Her face like a Chinese ad for hand cream. Shrieking and clinging to the door grip, eyes wide but smiling.

Looks up from her book . I’m just trying to concentrate on my work, she says. It’s impossible, I tell her, to see someone laughing stupidly and not laugh stupidly yourself.

You should only feel bad if your book is about the holocaust. No, it’s about the mutiny on the Bounty. Was that a book before it was 15 m ovies? Well it was a historical incident. But no, I mean is that book about the Bounty, or– It’s about six of the sailors who weren’t the original, you know, the main guy, who just took women and sailed away. Yeah, with like a breadfruit plant. Right. But Mel Gibson played someone in one of those movies. So it is tangentially related to the holocaust. Ha ha, yeah.

It’ s me.Thinking you must be happy will kill you. I’m miserable and it’s great. Stopped getting pissed about it.

Fucking Anthony Bourdain, every middle aged woman’ s “attainable” celebrity crush, just offed himself. Circumstances change nothing. Y ou are who you are. You have X, Y and Z, why aren’t you happy .

I’ll stay out of your hair. I took the bus to my date and it’ s raining and I don’t want to be alone. It was out of nowhere but he didn’t know how to say no.

The movie was Andrei Rublev by Tarkovsky , an epic about medieval Russia. There were sweeping battles and ancient vistas and they threw a horse down a flight of stairs. It was a masterpiece.

A software guy . Did you like what you wrote? Good question. She was quiet for a second. Tell me a story, she said. He thought.

Realized he had one. But when he looked up there was a man climbing over the wall with a gun in his hand. ** He was standing with a hog arrow drawn back.

Anna texted me. Her friend died too.

I try to support her. She lives in France with a chiseled six foot eight Algerian coke dealer now.

People who actively sell out their dream can’t get paid. Too many people want to write.

Life’s work worth less than laying cheese on Quarter Pounders. One person writes good shit on the internet. Cat Marnell, who had a trust fund and a free apartment and unlimited speed.

I just look at her flaxen hair. That Maurice Ravel song plays as I twist up a fistful of it and plunge into her fat white ass from the back.

Looks to be in college. Her hair, her hair.

Some parts of sex you’re born with. Other parts are clay; they get misshapen when you get molested. I remember that moment every time I think about underage girls.

So: at least ten times per day. I’m glad it happened.

Is she my future wife? I call the dog over to the mulch pile. It ignores me. Is today the day my cancer forms? What is it? Before I turn the channel on the radio, I get a premonition that if a certain song is on the new channel… and I’m afraid to think what comes next. I turn it and it’s that song.

To be fair it’s never “Stevie’ s Spankin g” by Frank Zappa or some shit. My panic attacks about demonic torture come from Fleetwood Mac.

and what’ s implied is some evil supernatural thing. Satan coming for me.

Claiming me. For what.

What if I have Alzheimer ’s. They just discovered it comes from gum disease.

The gum bacteria gets in your brain which then makes some protein that makes you stupid. Fuck man.

Unquestionable grade A piece of ass in my house. She grew up middle class but fucks like a ward of the state.

Walk with her down the street. Have guys look at me, think I’m cool.

She turned around. Walked away.

Swayed her ass. Why’d she want to fuck me, I thought. I ‘m ugly.

She wore a black tennis dress to work. She’d crouched to pick up plastic spiders, to embed in webs she’d stretched outside his boss’s big glass office.

Right across from his cubicle. He saw her panties.

Sit against the door. Talk about kids in his class.

Movies. Softly so her mother couldn’t hear.

Hold the stare until she looks away. Colleagues, junior high school girls, the girl selling me cigarettes at the 7-11.

The girl on the bus that I’m riding right now, who held my eyes for a heartbeat then scampered to the back like she was in sniper alley. The meeting started. People talked.