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I heard that Being the one to circumcise elephants doesn't pay too well But the tips are huge!!

Why does BuzzFeed skip every other number when counting? They literally can't even.

A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian tells him he'll only lose it.

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes "sexual" the rest of the boys all agree that he is

What's the difference between coriander and cumin? You can't coriander your pants.

Sex makes your day, but anal makes you hole weak..

A sadist and a masochist meet The masochist starts pleading, "Hit me! Please hit me!" The sadist looks at him, smiles, and calmly replies, "No."

Got disoriented and walked into the wrong classroom. Didn't want to look stupid so I just went ahead and switched majors.

Libertarian Presidential Candidate's new Campaign, inspired by Bernie Sanders. "Feel the Johnson"

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn't expecting I'd be dissecting so many white mice.

What did Spock find in the Enterprise Bathroom? The Captain's Log.

PSA: If you've got an Islamic dog... Muslim

How do you spot the blind man at the nudist beach? It's not hard

What did Jay say when Adnan opened the trunk? Hae girl Hae

ME: Is this Babies R Us CASHIER: Yes ME: No babies work here C: I know ME: It should be called Babies Were US C: ... ME: Get me your manager

A girl grabbed my cock and said, "Wow! Your dick wouldn't make a very good clock." "Why?" I asked, intrigued. "Because I'd struggle to get a second hand on it," she replied.

Broken pencils... ...are pointless.

A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.' The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: 'Because he's far too heavy.'

listen, officer - t h e o r e t i c a l l y - would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet! =D

Why do seagulls live by the sea? If they lived by the bay they'd be bagels.

When I lived on a houseboat I was seeing the girl next door, but eventually we drifted apart.

Donald Trump Does this count as putting the punchline in the title?

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her "golden shower" so goodnight.

What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they could spend years at C.

There's a 100% chance the Republicans will discuss Starbucks cups in a debate tonight, so remember that when they ask how they lost in 2016.

A man purchases a kitten, which he's having trouble house breaking. What does his friend say when he comes to visit? Your house is quite the cat-ass-trophy.

What do mutiny and an orgasm have in common? A sudden surge of seamen.

Why are normal human body temperatures around 98.7*F? Because we're all a little obtuse.

Communism jokes are not funny Unless everyone gets them

There are two types of people in life... Those who think there are two types of people in life and the rest.

Dear Religion, Pics or it didn't happen. Love, Science

My best friend and I were comparing our penises... for who has the biggest. It ended in a tie.

If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country, if Clinton wins I'm leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel

Why did the Storm Trooper decide to buy an Iphone? Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

What's the hardest part about vaping? Telling your parents you're gay

When I say I'm gonna take a nap, it means I'm gonna go on my computer for three hours.

Ropin' and Ranchin' by Larry Yett

My brother told me this today. Malayasia flight 404 not found.

I get turned on whenever I eat greek dips... ...I think I'm a hummusexual.

What is Moby Dicks dad's name? Poppa Boner

I love watching two girls meet each other. It's easily the most fake thing I have ever seen.

Pokemon Go has really improved my life... I used to always get in trouble for playing with my balls outside.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo That's how I learned the security guards have Tasers

I like my women like I like my coffee... [Fill in the blank]

Who does the Metric Cult worship? ...Demetre.

Why did the Canadian cross the road? Because that's the direction his car was sliding.

What do you do when you find Michael J. Fox in your hot tub? .....Add your laundry.

Describe yourself in one word Bad at describing myself with one word.

Opinions are like Assholes... Everyone has one, and some just taste better than others.

I don't always tell mom jokes But when i do, she laughs

What do black men find most shocking about sex? Tazers

Impotence: Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings"

What do you call two gay Irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael

Today I learned two things: 1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals 2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

Why do elephants have 4 feet? Because in the animal kingdom 6 inches just wont do

A blind guy walks into a bar... ...then a table, then a chair, then another chair...

I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Sometimes you just need a really big fishing rod.

Make sure you don't forget the 'R' when you're Googling, "movies of Gary Oldman."

If I had a penny for every Donald Trump joke, I would have a small loan of one million dollars

I like my steak like I like my women. White and domineering.

Retweet if you're naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you'd like to meet him!

Prostitutes hate trick-or-treaters.

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering "...it would be so easy..."

When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy.

The definition of spin

How to get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve...

Why doesn't Hitler go ski? Cause he's blown his fucking head.

What's the best kind of grass? Emo grass; the grass that cuts itself.

Thought I could safely force a fart... But it backfired.

Why don't they have a WHITE history month?? Why don't they have NON-handicapped parking spaces? Why's there no cemetery for ALIVE people??

The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and be awarded eternal life" John came fifth and was awarded a toaster

Why does Anna's mom encourage her daughter to experiment with sexuality? Because she lives bicuriously through others .

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I'm 6th in line for a selfie.

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest* Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza? Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

Jokers of Reddit, any good blonde jokes or punch lines out there?

How many portuguese people can fit on a scooter? A Brazilian

Now what's on the menu? Me-n-u

What is it called when you are on the edge of WiFi signal range? Router Limits!

What is Jeb Bush's campaign slogan? Third time's the charm

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive. 2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn't tell anyone else that they were vegan.

My new years resolution is to have more sex! I Haven't told my cellmate yet though

Why do lawyer's suits never have pants pockets? Because their hands are always in someone else's!

Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans? So people can read her lips.

Go to racist joke, what's yours? Two unemployed Irishmen walk past a police notice board with "two black men wanted for rape" first one says "fucking niggers get all the best jobs"

If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.

What do you call a midget with no teeth A gum job.

It's just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own 'Dont Feed the Animals' rule.

You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.

What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit the frog's finger

Why were there only 49 contestants in the National Ebonics Beauty Pageant? Nobody wanted to wear the sash that says "Idaho".

What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless.

Scientists remain baffled as to why the people on the internet really like pictures of cats and cats doing things.

What do you do with old cannon balls ? Give them to elephants to use as marbles !