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short_jokes

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Why did the feminist refuse to work at the post office? Because it was a mail dominated industry

Damn girl, are you a jar of pickles? Because I think I NEED to bang you on my kitchen counter.

Why did the Gorilla visit Italy? An advertisement's headline enticed him - See Ape-les and die!

What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino. For non-Americans, this is a baseball joke

One hair in my soup Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup. - And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

What do elephants do in the evenings ? Watch elevision !

"Man, what's eating you today? *looks down* I Don't know.... GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

Student: Teacher, can I ask you a question? Teacher: You just did.

When Noah was loading the Ark, where did he put the bees? In the Ark-hives.

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

H: You look nice. Me: I'm meeting one of my Twitter friends today. H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one? Me: Yep

What do you call an inspiring jerk session? A stroke of genius!

Did you hear about the man who choked on an issue of The Guardian after learning about his brothers passing? He found the news hard to swallow.

Sometimes I'll start talking to someone on the train, then go "Oh, this is where I get off" then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.

Could you kill a monster just by throwing eggs at him? Of course - he'd be eggs-terminated.

TIFU when I deleted my gym membership, hit my lawyer, & posted it to Facebook.

What job do rabbits at hotels have? Bellhop.

Person who fought in WWII hit with pepper spray... Now he is a seasoned veteran.

what is the best way to smuggle drugs? In your dogs asshole. Should there be border control frisking, it will be perceived as two dogs plain wolfing

Browsing this sub is like mining in a cave Full of bat shit and I mostly get the same things over again, but it's worth the occasional gold I find.

Velcro. What a rip off!

What did the snail say when he was riding on the back of the turtle? Weeeeeeeeee

What bees makes the best milk ? Boob-bees And also this is my first time using Reddit and my account is only 30 minutes old by the time of this post so I have no idea what I am doing

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father's Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

I work hard so my dog can have a better life.

My inspiration for jokes is like a guy at a brothel... It comes and goes... It also occasionally sucks ;)

What's a minister's favorite food? Tacos al pastor

How does a nihilist propose to his fiancee? "Even though my existence is meaningless I want to spend the rest of it with you."

What is the worse thing for a guy to say after sex? My name is Barry Allen

What's the difference between Jews and Santa? Santa goes down the chimney.

The other day, I was looking through my socks, when I found one had a hole in it... "darn it..." I muttered.

The pub manager is showing the new busboy around the kitchen, when they come to two doors. The busboy asks, "Which one is the 'in' door?" "Let me show you", says the manager, and 'e walks in.

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed. Doctor: Ma'am, that's your husband. Me: And your point is...?

How can you tell Russians are bad at driving stick? cause their cars are always Stalin

I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red

Why don't I take my guinea pigs on walksies It's hard on my cavies

Why can't you tell secrets in a corn field? ...because there are too many ears.

I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault.... It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you. Me: That's flattering, but I don't date people from work.

I thought The Walking Dead was having a special tonight.... Turns out it was just The Rolling Stones performing at the 12/12/12 concert.

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

A priest, a rabbi and a leprechaun walk into a bar. The leprechaun says, "Bejesus, I'm in the wrong joke!"

How many Jews does it take to change Hitler's mind? None, there has to be no Jews.

Come on, there has got to be at least one business like show business.

That Hamburger Helper hand guy. There's a twin out there, right? Didn't go into showbiz. Maybe an accountant or something.

Two guys walk into a bar.. The third guy ducked.

"Your mission... Should you chose to accept it..." *Go to a bar you Hate *Put $50 in the Jukebox *Play nothing but Nickelback *Leave

Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather? A) He's got bugs on his teeth.

According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.

Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were. Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!

What do you call a hot day in Canada? A Nova Scorcha!

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb. Two. One to hold the light bulb and the other to hold the penis. I mean mother. Shit, I mean ladder.

What did the old maid get the vasaline for? 84 cents. Joke by my grandfather

Teacher: How much is half of 8 Pupil: Up and down or across ? Teacher: What do you mean ? Pupil: Wellup and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0

I got asked how I view lesbian relationships.. Apparently HD wasn't the correct answer.

Why did Adele cross the road? She wanted to say hello from the other side. ^^^^^^hilarious ^^^^^^and ^^^^^^original ^^^^^^hahahahahahahahahelpme

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? The winner of last year's hide & go seek contest.

What do you call children born of ginger people? Ginger-bred

If you crossed a cow with Michael Jackson what song would you get? "Beeflt!"

How many McDonald's counter girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.

Imagine me naked. Wrong. Fatter.

ADHD is ADD in high definition.

The director of "A Girl in the River" went to high school with me in Karachi! She won an Oscar! This is not gonna help w my parents. #Oscars

What is a name for a female lawyer? Sue

I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!" I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.

What Is Bluetooth ? When your toothbrush stops working mid brushing

Why don't you see hippos hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.

I bet a lot more people would read the Bible if it was called The Adventures of Jesus and Friends.

I have a split personality No he doesn't

Duck Dynasty guy is right-- if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

What do people call their grandmother in India? Naana

I don't trust stairs They're always up to something...

The pope walks into a Mosque A Muslim looks up and asks "Why the wrong faith?"

Twitter is working worse than a dollar store pregnancy test.

Why were they called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights! Credit: watching Mr. D on Netflix

Who is this "one"? And why is he always arguing with people?

I had this problem where the cap wouldn't stay on my whiskey bottle. So I fixed it with scotch tape.

What's Miley Cyrus eating for Thanksgiving.. Twerky!

Prison counts as a gated community, right?

What Do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a Sheep? A WOOLY JUMPER :)

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you're in there for, say "the food" so all the other prisoners know you're a loose cannon.

Farting is your ass referring to itself in the turd person.

What do you call a dinosaur that raps about life? A philosorapper

A blind dude walks into a bar. Ouch.

[breakfast table] Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms? 8: Not me 9: Not me CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.

Normally I can't dance to save my life, but as soon as I step in dog shit, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

[school teacher job interview] Can I ask you some questions? I don't know CAN you? haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

The Philippines is the only country in the world who turns its flag upside down during times of war while French people remove the red and blue colour

I like cheese more than I like most people.

How many cats does it take for a woman to qualify as a "crazy cat lady?" None. Just a couple of youtube cat videos.

It's funny how liberals think Donald Trump oppresses women and hates gays Like he's a Muslim or something.

My wife is so moody at Christmas, I blame the festive period.

Knock Knock Who's there ! Alistair ! Alistair who ? Alistairs in this house are broken !

Interviewer: Where were you born? Me: Missouri. I: What state are you in now? M: Apathy. I: That's not what I meant. M: I don't care.

A pharmacy was just robbed. A pharmacy was just robbed $500,000. Security camera footage recorded the criminal taking 2 bottles of aspirin and a Zoloft.

Why do elephants have big flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks.

What kind of cheese is made backwards? Edam.