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blog | blog_5_4 | These creatures don't care whether you're in the middle of your meal or not, just pop in out of the blue and start munching on a crumb next to your plate) and somehow gather its strength before it went on with its life... ...although, since quite a bit of it was missing, it was obvious that it wouldn't be very popular in the mating season (which is like...bi-daily for cockroaches. They are quite a merry if not hedonistic species). |
blog | blog_5_4 | Then, I would bury myself in self-pity and suffer gladly. Putting aside pride (actually trashing my pride), I knocked every possible door (including relatives and old family acquaintances I vowed not to see any longer), asking for a little aid on the financial side in vain. For some reason, "At least, I tried" has been a thought that doesn't make anything easier lately. Anyway, casting this aside, I've happened to marvel at the thought that there is so much in the world to see and ruminate that we have so little time. |
blog | blog_5_4 | it seems that they focus on my biology but you are the ones who will take care of the gender dysphoria part." She raised an eyebrow which forced me to rephrase myself, "Err.. |
blog | blog_5_4 | All his life was wasted among those walls that he happened to call home but I know that it was his dungeon. Worse, he is aware of it, either. He may be a manic depressive schizophrenic but he is aware of reality that much. All those things that he has never had the chance to experience himself. |
blog | blog_5_4 | If only you could. If you let me be your Scheherazade, The one to adorn your thousand and one nights, I will never leave your side until you sleep safe and sound. Will you still slaughter me in the end? |
blog | blog_5_4 | It was simply about being not feeling. "Yes, they do." "How do they react to it?" I wondered whether she was doing this deliberately or not. My father was waiting outside in the corridor. |
blog | blog_5_4 | and the fortune it will cost. Being formally IDless hinders me from having an insurance (not that I can pay for an insurance, anyway) so that means I will face the full blow when it comes to the financial burden of these procedures. Well I'm living in a "developing" country with little or no concern towards the health of those who are broke. |
blog | blog_5_4 | oh wait... I already said that, didn't I? Aside from this twist, as of today, Blogger turned an upgrade switch on us. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Walsch's conference. That conference will be very important in the name of advertising, for certain. We also need to build a website and turn Sol's house (where I will be spending most of my time from this point on. |
blog | blog_5_4 | ...your look deepen... your thrust in this any body ... |
blog | blog_5_4 | But this time we're breaking the cycle, dear! We'll be seeing each other a lot, I'm telling you. Aura: Shall we get back to doing that at 6 pm, then? Sol: Ok ok! |
blog | blog_5_4 | We went past the plaque next to the entrance which read, " Ponderland Memorial, Psychiatry Department" and went on walking towards the car. So this was an asylum, alright. So these people were blase towards such scenes; They were immune to such sounds and sights. But how was I going to deal with it even if that was going to be once every month? |
blog | blog_5_4 | And "your message is your life, lived " is Humanity's Team motto. It is "a civil rights movement for the soul". It aims to create a "world in which humanity truly experiences unity and oneness". |
blog | blog_5_4 | After a short while, I rested my cheek against yours and murmured, "I love you". A murmur that flourished forth from my very soul. |
blog | blog_5_4 | And you said, "I love you too, my amber." Those were the last things we said to each other. Lost things never to be returned... In that final moment of our togetherness, we did not bid each other farewell. |
blog | blog_5_4 | It had nothing to do with knowing. It was all about not knowing, instead. Clenching my fists, I fixed my gaze on my uncle's chest as he sighed. Death could never be welcomed by him, I saw that much. Because death was not a redemption for those who never really lived. |
blog | blog_5_4 | :: MUSINGS II :: Timeline: Present * Not only my ears are functioning properly but my right ear that gives me the Darth Vaders came out to be a sonar. Half a decibel more and I could hear dolphins chattering as I swim underwater. Ironic enough, I am given a nasal spray made up of pure ocean water. After one week of usage, I will be re-examined and if the indiscribible problem still exists, I will go through blood tests. |
blog | blog_5_4 | I know a whole new world by heart. But can you be the Aladdin of an Arabian tale? |
blog | blog_5_4 | Aura: Sure... I mean... *yawns slightly*... |
blog | blog_5_4 | your warm chest, my harbor against the tempest... our Friday escapades... our afternoon talks over the rims of our coffee mugs... |
blog | blog_5_4 | A sour moment, perhaps, to re-open one's eyes into another reality and retort, "So now what? I was dead anyway." And when I smiled at him, made sure that he was alright, he smiled back and asked, "You're going, Aura?" |
blog | blog_5_4 | :: ICHOIR :: Timeline: Past (Winter of 1997 - Spring of 1999) O' the bliss of authority! Take 15 people who believe that vocally they are as talented as a spider during webmaking (grandiose grandiose) and place them in a semi circle in front of a piano placed on a platform where the victim is being auditioned. Also try to imagine them, having been told that it'll perhaps include some sense of seriousness into the mockery, holding papers and pens the latter of which are judgementally tapped against a cheek or lips as they stare at you, heads relatively tilted. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Chances are: Solara is moving to back to our neighborhood (For newcomers, Solara, one of my closest friends, and I had lived in the same district for 5 years before she decided to move -on-). Solara is moving back to our neighborhood and wants me to help her with the process (explains why we'll be seeing each other a lot). Solara is moving back to our neighborhood, wants me to help her with the process and I feel indifferent. Solara is getting married. |
blog | blog_5_4 | I have a life vacant for you A love completely healed -- should that be your heart's wish. Crimson possibilities in azure togetherness. |
blog | blog_5_4 | It would help you greatly and speed up your process if you met those who share your feelings and who are on the same road as you are." "I see. Then, I will go for the group therapy." To be completely honest, I was not at ease with this decision at all. I couldn't visualize myself sitting in a group of men in drag, failing miserably at their exaggerated gesticulating in the name of femininity as they talk in a low key. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Look at me, loved one! Feel my pulse twice! Your averted reality, Your concealed weaknesses, Your mute fears, Your willful silence, Your bleeding wounds, Your stalking past, Your disguised present, Your alien future.... can never stain the spotless you this woman carries! |
blog | blog_5_4 | Blogger now has its own comments system, it seems. Then again, for some reason, it isn't working right for me... which is not a grand surprise on my part. |
blog | blog_5_4 | "You could have been experimenting." she stated, leaning on the table with her elbows. "I did my experimenting quite well without letting my hormones interfere with this, thank you." That was true. |
blog | blog_5_4 | I.. can't quite catch your drift, Sol. Sol: I'll tell you all about it on Friday. |
blog | blog_5_4 | down and down towards an ebbed beach... you lull me... my toe touches the cold sand... |
blog | blog_5_4 | Sol(ara): Hi, sweets. Aura: Oh hi. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Failed to save the cockroach which is now wrapped up in a Kleenex and rests in peace in the trash can, I was left with a beautiful image saved in my mind, at least. Barefoot women chatting as they transferred the April rain they stored in their rainboxes into a large tub before they dump a pile of clothes into it and exchange the current gossips whispered in Constantinople. A superior save, for certain. |
blog | blog_5_4 | I tried my best to hide the devastation I felt upon being fed by this news last night. It is to no avail trying to put some sense into these mindless beings and make them quit the idea. They have their own reality and are deaf to everything else but... |
blog | blog_5_4 | Like having been sucked to death alive by a spider was not enough. I reached forth, gently liberated it from the trap to which it didn't even react.. Barely another twitch of the antenna, perhaps. |
blog | blog_5_4 | This (and more) from someone who knew me perhaps no longer than a week sometime in the past. As opposed to the lacking openness and genuinity from the rest whom I gave a part of my thoughts, a part of my life, a part of my heart. |
blog | blog_5_4 | This must be it). As of today, I feel disconnected and cranky (if you still can't tell). I haven't had a proper sleep for the last two days. |
blog | blog_5_4 | However, there they were, hurrying in and out while, being the patients themselves, feeling sick and weary. Noticing the majority of them were old people who were floundering in pain, I felt a knot in my throat and felt the necessity to clear it almost in sychronization with the professor. It was then I realized I still hadn't responded to her statement." Yes..." , I said as I turned to her and mimicked her superficial smile, "... |
blog | blog_5_4 | I am afraid this shall be so until after Neale's conference. So much to do, so little time... ...and so much will be accomplished thanks to that "so little time" since when us humans have so much time at hand, we tend to be very postponic. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Give it a go herself and not even let the poor guy burn alone, finally away from her in hell? They have this pathetic bond formed at birth which she carried one step further which was enough to cause her son to end up loosing his mind. They have this love-hate, "can't live with or without you" relationship thanks to her being like a vulture circling above on the near-dead body of his all their lives. |
blog | blog_5_4 | summer is around the corner." Oh this was new. |
blog | blog_5_4 | "To Nyx (Night), Fumigation with Torches. Nyx , parent goddess, source of sweet repose from whom at first both Gods and men arose. Hear, blessed Kypris (Aphrodite), decked with starry light, in sleep's deep silence dwelling ebon night! Dreams (Oneiroi) and soft ease attend thy dusky train, pleased with the lengthened gloom and feastful strain, dissolving anxious care, the friend of mirth, with darkling coursers riding round the earth. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Sol had been contacted about his activity by the HT Internatonal Liasion thus we arranged a meeting at his hotel... err... room. Seated comfortably while sipping our Earl Greys, we exchanged ideas, got to know each other and I had the impression (which Sol also agreed later on) that he had advanced knowledge on the matter, was very eligible to start a group, yet, whether he was a fitting candidate to facilitate a study group or not was very questionable. He is a great resource, a walking library at his late 50s. |
blog | blog_5_4 | "What is so precious about April rains, Granny?" I asked out of curtsey rather than curiosity. "Old Greek houses used to have rainboxes to store April rains, child." |
blog | blog_5_4 | Alas, I would be astonished, if it did. Maybe someday I will have a technically-very-able reader who will give me a helping hand and I will implement Blogger's own Comments which will not get archived after a point and end up out of reach for free users (as in Haloscan). |
blog | blog_5_4 | Hmm yes.. the visuality. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Thus, such mortal scenery or summoned ghosts of jealousy may never fear the you in me! Do you conceive it be yielding to an illusion? |
blog | blog_5_4 | You can come up to me and ask, "Aura we have been witnessing and reading your life for 6 months and you are telling us that you have deserved this?" My answer would be, my friends, that it has nothing to do with "deserving" but "choosing" and to be able to understand that choice here I am inviting you to the very cores of my dad and myself. |
blog | blog_5_4 | you harbor a mystery when I'm not riddling? I once wore the Crown of the Night , beloved one... I shall carry the birthmark of the chosen females until the ends of time and beyond! |
blog | blog_5_4 | Sol and I are meeting on Friday and I will have composed a basic "main page" material for our website alongside material written for the brochure, by then. As a friend warned me via e-mail today, I cannot (/don't have enough time to) sit back and savor the bliss of this process with things proceeding in the speed of light. |
blog | blog_5_4 | I thank you for feeling for me from across a horizon in a way that makes me think that within only a week you could see through my looking glass more than any men who have ever stepped in my life.. that you not only listen ed to me but also hear ed all I had to say. |
blog | blog_5_4 | She got up floundering and picked up her plate, "The laundry, child" she croaked, "It's ideal for laundering". Then without another word, turned around and staggered towards the kitchen. |
blog | blog_5_4 | the woman tranced beneath your body... held away in you... pleasure of the moment belongs to her... |
blog | blog_5_4 | ...And you enter my stage... resting yourself in the depths... |
blog | blog_5_4 | And mother... I still haven't uttered the words, "I love you" to anybody. |
blog | blog_5_4 | "Why" is a bloodthirsty question, indeed. Especially when followed by "me?" Whatever happens in life, it should never be approached with this question. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Almost a week ago, dad and I were going through a conversation which was bouncing back and forth between a discussion and a quarrel. It was a bitter one since I was being quite pushy and was deliberately drawing him towards his borders and making him face the reality that he had been rationalizing. In doing so, I had no intentions to "correct" him, let me explain this part. A most precious understanding New Spirituality has given me is the element of "perfection." Perfection in everything. |
blog | blog_5_4 | It was then I remembered the notes. There they were right on top of the pile I was carrying. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Tell me life is fair. Belle De Jour and the trivia surrounding her. The book deal that spurted forth from her blog, the quintessential movie rights and whatsoever. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Through living lies the message of Spirituality... Through living lies the expression of one's true self. |
blog | blog_5_4 | And some more. It is unfortunate that I have (more than) everything ready to make a start and all that I have been working and praying for is a reasonable amount of money to fund it. If only I didn't do anything to achieve it. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Obviously, I was as effected by the general impression of transsexuals as anyone and had my share of prejudice. With that she got up and handed me my papers and hospital records back, "I wrote two notes for you that will grant you entrance to the group therapy. Give them to the doctors who will attend the therapy. |
blog | blog_5_4 | willing to be professionals.... getting used to each other, gradually... liking each other... |
blog | blog_5_4 | Timeline: Present Water I soused on my face ran down in a chilling fall from my cheeks towards my chin where they formed a thin stream before they are reduced to droplets and finally a tiny drop. I opened my eyes and saw it through my wet eyelashes as it twitched its antennas helplessly under the shelf above the drainpipe. Tangled amidst a crossroad of web, the little cockroach was almost emaciated, almost a step away from waste. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Aura: I got that part, love. Good or bad? Sol: Definitely good! Alright, we're seeing each other on Friday, then. Well... |
blog | blog_5_4 | You are far beyond our expectations". This is a silkened version of saying, "We are not interested". I tried but I was turned down! |
blog | blog_5_4 | Swift doesn't work for me (there you go. Another belief, another self selection). |
blog | blog_5_4 | She is the lunar actress who flashes a smile at the cameras clad in a barely there Valentino while she walks swiftly on the red carpet towards the Academy Awards. She is the scandalous diva who, upon her sold-out performance at Wimbley, is spotted leaving The Gardening Club at Covert Garden totally inebriated among a bunch of Chippendales. this place has been my recent obsession. |
blog | blog_5_4 | This drastically reduces one's tension momentarily and gives one the opportunity to relax and listen. Still, we snap back and indulge ourselves in a claw-versus-claw affaire d'honneur. Rationality across a chance for some power trip? No way! |
blog | blog_5_4 | Many variations, I formed and sounded... yet never those three words together. I simply couldn't. As if saying those three words together to somebody else would be a betrayal to that moment. As if those words belonged to our moment. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Timeline: Present I have never been more distressed about living in a country which is made up of an innumerable number of personalities who are completely title oriented. So there they have it! I am the Project Director of Ponderland's Humanity's Team as the elegant printing on my business card states. You cannot come up with something less than that since any title beneath "management, directing or supervision" is kindly ignored. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Goddess of phantoms and of shadowy play, whose drowsy power divides the natural day; by fate's decree you constant send the light to deepest hell, remote from mortal sight; for dire necessity (Ananke), which nought withstands, invests the world with adamantine bands. ...my bare feet echo naked footsteps on the cobblestones... The fullness of Mother Luna chills me for the first time... clouds be her veil... before the spiral marble stairs leading down to the shore, lightning bugs waltz in a fire ball ... |
blog | blog_5_4 | My greatest err in my journey would be to try to keep someone from reflecting and expressing his/her great vision about him/herself. If that perfection does not include mine , if the river comes to a fork, why attempt to block the other branch's run in the hope that its waters will eventually be tamed (suppressed!) and flow in harmony with mine? (Moreover, would I prefer harmony of that kind?) Setting someone free is a mutual gift in that sense. |
blog | blog_5_4 | How do you manage to deal with being an outcast? Is being crazy really an answer? If I went out of my mind and did whatever I wanted to do, would I be granted forgiveness yet end up in an asylum, still? My past and all that I had to go through having been ignored, would I be denied sympathy and given the cold walls of a mental hospital echoing with the cackling glees of lunatics as an answer? |
blog | blog_5_4 | your broad, dusk-filled hands travel on the valley of my spine... and you pull me over you... your cheek resting against mine... |
blog | blog_5_4 | Do you believe me? If only I knew. But maybe it is all about not knowing. |
blog | blog_5_4 | ; A sarcastic remark my dad is quite used to hearing, indeed. I didn't hear him come home last night since I was weary of my uncle's attack made up of constant howling, wailing, crying and screaming so I took a bunch of sleeping pills and buried my head under my pillow earlier than usual. In the morning, a little item was standing on the bed table... an item resembling a jewelry box. |
blog | blog_5_4 | And... *gulps* We just keep running around in circles in our conversation. |
blog | blog_5_4 | the children of Chaos who shower you with sensual adoration in vain... you deliberately pulled me into this pandemonium with the hope of illuminating a catastrophe? Why, even into your delusion, I shall walk wearing nothing but myself, loved one! you play a game when I'm not playing? you blow a strike when I'm not attacking? |
blog | blog_5_4 | help me with it, that is." She nodded seriously and opened what seemed like a notebook while I fidgeted on my chair. Although it was early spring and sun was reigning outside, here in this pocket-size room, even sunlight seemed dormant. |
blog | blog_5_4 | At 64, it is not easy to gulp down being rejected. At 64, it is not easy to start all over again..." Now can you clearly see how he sees himself as? |
blog | blog_5_4 | I'm sorry for not being there for you whenever you need a shoulder to cry on. I'm sorry for all those things I could have done and become but I couldn't. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Will you refill the space you leave around me? If only you would! |
blog | blog_5_4 | It shouldn't be left vulnerable to its companions. Companions that were even more depraved than the spiders ambushing in the shadows. |
blog | blog_5_4 | You pulsate swiftly, surrounded by me... ...and you cradle me in your embrace... lying atop your chest... Yet the morn finds me smelling you... |
blog | blog_5_4 | can never match your thrust in my soul... the ebb flows... |
blog | blog_5_4 | You will see that the next meeting is on June the 9th. Now I want to talk to your dad." She opened the door and led me outside while she invited my dad in. When my dad and professor got out of the room, they seemed oblivious to the previous tumult which I thought was heard by the entire hospital. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Feeling ? I blinked, "Feeling like what?" "Feeling like you are feeling. How long have you been feeling like a female?" She tapped the back of her pen on the paper which, I guessed, was a gesture to intensify her professionalism but ended up seeming as if she was being impatient with me. |
blog | blog_5_4 | First and foremost, I need to have a business card. This is the classy part and all about the "Here... take my card" trivia. |
blog | blog_5_4 | How many men only fell for the aforementioned picture perfect image? Even sadder, how many of them were even aware of the fact that what they desired to possess was a reflection they were so determined to idolize? Whenever I handled the heart, it bled. The mirror continues to muse me. |
blog | blog_5_4 | The highway merges into the ocean, Which streams into the horizon. This sea-bearing symbol aids me in a water walk, Led by the trace of moonlight. There is a distant hymn in the air A Seraph flies past the sky Mistaken for a comet by the naked eye And amidst this cleaving halluscination... |
blog | blog_5_4 | So Ichoir was formed. I'm not even going into the painful discourse which lasted for weeks until we reached an agreement on the name. Mythology ran to aid. We took Icarus as the Muse, played with the name a little, came up with a derivative which was destined to be mispronounced by every single person who came across it written somewhere but still, we all loved it. Ironic enough, although we couldn't have foreseen it back then, the fate of Ichoir would be no different from the mythological figure it was inspired by. |
blog | blog_5_4 | "How do you pee?" "I go to the bathroom, pull my..." Anger rose in her voice, "Do you stand or sit as you pee?" "Aaah, I sit" I responded grinning sheepishly and quite satisfied to see her maddening. |
blog | blog_5_4 | The Sagittarius infernoes freely in my veins. Being the natural vagabond she is, she does not listen to all my rational responses to her cravings and longings. She loathes the fact that I live with a lunatic family. |
blog | blog_5_4 | I was surprised ladies and gentlemen. Surprised that he muttered a sentence that was so familiar to me since I, myself, always think of those people when thunders break, winds howl, snowflakes fall. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Or has it not, really? I looked at that pale face and knew that he was not ready for that final stroke of the second. No matter what he says, no matter how much a parody he may seem to me, no matter how much I despised him when her mother started bitching behind me and he didn't oppose and stand up for his nephew, I knew he was not as ready as he had appeared. I knew that he was distressingly helpless against this Fate whose control he had lost so long ago that it was too hard for him to visualize what it was like before. |
blog | blog_5_4 | ...what the hell are we gonna do for the next 3 months now that our most precious reserve is drained? Why can't I draw the blanket over my head and simply vanish? |
blog | blog_5_4 | Did you believe I shall break these wings for thee? Did you ready me for what I already foresee? ...or mayhaps you mistaken me for the spectres that cause you misanthrope... |
blog | blog_5_4 | Interesting. And here I was wondering why on earth I had started feeling irritated by his presence all of a sudden. Why, in 5 long years, had I never ever thought about accusing him of "failing my trust in him" but have been doing so now? However, it is very self-explanatory, is it not? My father has been very skillfully creating this outcome by simply thinking likewise and I was just the pawn on his chessboard. |
blog | blog_5_4 | "So you were directed to us from Endocrinology, I see. It is usually the other way around...." The female professor mumbled as she flipped the papers over, "...Kleinefelter syndrome, genetic intersexuality..." |
blog | blog_5_4 | But do you have a stare spared or a song solely sung for me Deprived of ambiguity? If only you had. |