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blog | blog_5_4 | Aura: Sure. See you then. Sol: Hi, dear! Aura: Oh...huh...ah...mmm... |
blog | blog_5_4 | Timeline: Present "Well you promised me", I said looking at him severely as I leaned on the wall sidways, left hip slightly edging outwards, "So I don't want you to go." "I was teasing you, beautiful" he said struggling with the knot of his necktie, "..and it's not the right time for that, yet." "When will it be the right time , anyway?" I muttered and arms crossed against my chest, pursed my lips, "I should have known better; Enter the most quicksilver dad of all times." |
blog | blog_5_4 | She just knows how to hit the bullseye of the leader in me. "What is the Humanity's Team?" one may ask. It can be described as an international movement currently parented by The Conversations with God Foundation but is planned to be a non-profit and separate organization by 2006. It is the actual response to the wonder, "I have been following the Conversations with God series and they have changed my life. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Timeline: Present I am trying to pick up the answers to the questions: Why is it that whenever I find myself deeply involved in and dedicated to a project, I am always faced by egos of others?, what am I doing to wake up the beast in them? and how do I overcome this struggle of opposites through Love's path? |
blog | blog_5_4 | Here are the things my father said to me during the course of this conversation: "Aura do you really believe that I have not tried? 5 years ago, I arranged meetings with the managers of the 10 topmost firms in this country and they all told me the same thing, "Sorry, Mr. Mars. |
blog | blog_5_4 | It sure looks serene. I was going to reply to it properly but looks like Yahoo's compose section is having an anti-Aura day. Hopefully, it will be resolved tomorrow. |
blog | blog_5_4 | After all, these people tend to fart in your face as they pass you by and act like that's the most nonchalant thing in the universe. It wouldn't be an understatement if I claimed they are on the same socialization scale with an orangutan. When my dad and uncle left the table, I turned to my Granny and uttered, "Well... |
blog | blog_5_4 | She said in a weary tone which implied everyone but me was aware of that. She, then, leaned over and whispered sternly as if she was passing over a precious family recipe with which I was to pamper my husband before passing it on to the next generation, "Never the March rains, though. They aren't worth a dime... |
blog | blog_5_4 | Then, you cupped my cheeks in your withering, chemotherapied hands, looked in my eyes so deep that I still feel that final warmth you sealed into me even to this day. You did the only thing you could; Passed the final drops of life left in your veins onto me. Your last present to the being you created from your very own. |
blog | blog_5_4 | that being I call my shrine... in all his grandeur... ...entwined with another! |
blog | blog_5_4 | Everyone experiences his/her deepest beliefs about themselves. Now if I was somebody else, this probably would have made no sense yet these are my words my friends. |
blog | blog_5_4 | and that's not a sight for swollen eyes who had just been witnessing a dream sequence starring a really, really hot ex. So much breath control, so much painkillers and so much confusion wafted in the sickening, insalubrious air of the living room all throughout last night. Honestly, I really don't know how we would end up like, had my uncle's heart finally let go of its beating. Would my granny loose the plot? |
blog | blog_5_4 | you burn... my match... What shall it take for us to become a match... |
blog | blog_5_4 | Pretty Woman sessions... our walks on the beach, in the forest... our summer nights in the verandah... |
blog | blog_5_4 | Dismissing that question, he said, "It always saddens me when you go." I turned around and rushed out. |
blog | blog_5_4 | I am quite grateful for the Past timeline of Phantasmemoria since it makes it easier for me to go through them once again and reconsider them. It is brutal. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Timeline: Past The silence after a funeral is the real killer. When the last one who feels for you steps out of the doorway, you are faced with the real silence as memories sneak in from the shadowy corners. There she was letting out a horrified gasp after I told her I didn't go to that Madonna concert with friends but all by myself. |
blog | blog_5_4 | Within one glance the following was hidden, "Aura, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being a true uncle to you. I'm sorry for being broken. I'm sorry for not helping you but I know what you are going through. |
blog | blog_5_4 | ... Our heartbeats synchronize against each other... we lie still in the kernel of shadows... |
blog | blog_5_4 | Here I am like a kid out of school. Holding hands with a god, I'm a fool !... |
blog | blog_5_4 | I'm sorry for not being able to be of help for all this crap we are stuck in. I'm sorry to live in an altered reality." Then his stare weakened and my Granny gave a witchy shriek but that didn't stop us from entwining our fears and, to our surprise, finding a common denominator. He asked the unspoken "What are we gonna do, Aura? |
blog | blog_5_4 | However, today, I know that such is the way of life. Who gives a damn about maturing their interaction skills on a personal basis when there are millions out there around the corner whose adrenaline are climaxed when they're faced with the slightest of opposition or something ever gets close to implying, "Look you're wrong!" We rarely train our psyche in a way to interpret "Look you're wrong" as "The fact that you claim I'm wrong doesn't necessarily makes you right, either". |
blog | blog_5_4 | These last two will be dealt with by the end of this month and the office should be up & running sometime late in June or early July. Then again, I certainly believe that we do manage swiftly. The more we talk about it, the clearer our strategy gets. |
blog | blog_5_4 | I was scared ladies and gentlemen. I was so full of pity for this huge form lying on the sofa, suffering from chest pains and breathing heavily that it scared me. I sat there, staring at and away from him as my granny's voice crescendoed and decrescendoed with panic. I, on the other hand, was unaware of a way to let him know that I felt for him. |
blog | blog_5_4 | It was and I am certain that it will be quite an experience to be in touch with him. However, he is quite dominant which is an adjective we extremely avoid while following the guidelines of both HT's Study and Emotional support groups. Having knowledge in abundance is of no importance to us (I, myself, have not read even 1/3 of the spiritual material presented to this world). On the contrary, we are inclined to "grow together", "learn together", hence, even if our group members have proficient knowledge in the topic at hand, we will not let any one reign the conversations/discussions. |
blog | blog_5_4 | The more we brainstorm about it, the more proficient we get as to how to "sell the product" at hand. While we were leaving the center, we even arranged having a stand next to Neale's where we will be distributing our brochures as Neale signs his book(s). The next appointment was with a spiritual with whom Sol had contacted early yesterday. It seems that this man already established a study group based on Tomorrow's God and has been running it for a while now. |
blog | blog_5_4 | the sea is taken aback... all there is lag in a hush... ...a shadowy pile against the grey of sand... a movement in black... |
blog | blog_5_4 | Nowadays, this phase I have been going through is making me face all these quite brutally. Because I choose it to be so. I have never been a woman who takes things swiftly (which is, yet another choice). |
blog | blog_5_4 | Timeline: Present As of today your author has turned a Team Leader of Ponderland's forming Humanity's Team. Solara had some stories to share with me, indeed. Especially her latest experiences at The Hague - International City of Peace truly captured my attention which, as you already know, was quite dissected yesterday. Then again, her contagious enthusiasm quickly washed my aforementioned indifference and I soon found myself in the heart of founding Ponderland's Humanity's Team alongside Sol (having a good night's sleep yesterday also helped a great deal). What can I say? |
blog | blog_5_4 | The unknown was infinite. What might seem like a little water drop by the sink to larger beings was a drowning bubble for it... or it could have fallen into the basin, carried away by the watercourse towards a fatal fall into the sewer through the cesspool... or.... |
blog | blog_5_4 | Either the rooms were soundproof or I was hallucinating and nothing had taken place because it was impossible not to be effected by the man's helpless screams. Parent and doctor shook hands before she threw one last shallow smile at me and returned to her office. I let myself led by my dad outside and only partially listened to whatever he was saying. |
blog | blog_5_4 | I thank you for opening a door without having any expectation from me to step inside but an anticipation instead for making me to smell that fragrance. I thank you for the comfort you present although you are miles and miles away. I thank you for not caring about how it would seem or sound to convey your thoughts, your most sacred sentiments and in doing so exceeding all the artificiality that "man kind" possesses. I thank you for dismissing all the "what if"s and overcoming self-restrictions. Thus, I thank you for making me see that there are still men out there who can depict themselves in a chivalrous, articulate manner without a second thought (Because on second thought comes the fear of making an ass of yourself!). |
blog | blog_5_4 | Certainly, you don't take it all as a travesty when your head is counted among those that are tilted. You are, after all, the jury; One of those dickheads who is to be the Azrael or Rafael of someone's hopes. Well... the problem was no matter how much an ego-boost the entire thing was to me and my friends, our scythes were rotten and halos looked cheesy. |
blog | blog_5_4 | This leads to separateness, for certain. This leads to break-ups. The prerequisite is to consciously accept that no thing or no one is my property . When I think out of the box, they are simply there to experience "themselves" via me and I attract them to my reality in order to experience "myself" via them. |
blog | blog_5_4 | She sighed lightly, "Have you ever had sexual intercourse with a man before?" "No", I said. "No?" , she asked apparently disbelieving, "Not even snogging? Foreplay?" |
blog | blog_5_5 | Not sure what I’m doing today, probably a repeat of yesterday. Work on the proposal from home, dig bushes, paint furniture. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I’m disappointed that I bought into this myth that you have to be thin for anything to matter. Therefore: I must work on being more fabulous NOW. |
blog | blog_5_5 | We don’t get it, because Bucko gets lunch at that place all the time, which is why we figured it was safe. Don’t know what happened — they changed their recipe suddenly; they make food differently at night; they used a pre-packaged sauce; it was an acccident (Whoops! I spilled this box of MSG into the stir fry. Oh well.). |
blog | blog_5_5 | Besides the bush digging, I also formatted the proposal for four hours, finished the piano bench, primed the windsor chair, and did two loads of laundry. I rule. AND as of this moment I’m only at 754 calories, which means I have plenty available for dinner and still stay within goal. Rock rock rock! |
blog | blog_5_5 | 7:06 a.m. Saturday, Day 117. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I still feel I’m circling on the edge of squirreliness this morning, so I must take care today to stay busy and stave off the gloom. I read the beginning of my journal yesterday, to reinspire myself, and the most obvious thing is that I was dealing with the diet/exercise "one day at a time." At the most, one week at a time. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Also had just the one glass of wine. So it all went quite well. I wonder, will today be easier or harder? |
blog | blog_5_5 | The company has been sold twice, and while my job title was never taken away from me, it's never been exactly confirmed, either. When we were bought by a larger company, we (this particular office) went from being the corporate headquarters of a small-to-medium sized IT firm to a remote, unimportant satellite office of a large IT firm. Which then, as with fishies, was swallowed by a yet larger IT firm, who apparently are not even aware we exist. Well, this part is a tangent and has nothing to do with filling out the application, except to say that it's sometimes difficult to describe exactly what I do in my company, and where I do it. |
blog | blog_5_5 | LATER. 11:36 a.m. Stripped another two panels of wallpaper. There's probably only one or two more I can do without help. I don't think I can reach the ones in the shower, and the mirror will have to be moved. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Yesterday it helped to write in here every couple hours, so probably I'll be doing the same thing today. I know I will - I'm already writing nonsense just for the sake of writing. Not sure what else I'm doing today. |
blog | blog_5_5 | You can’t bank those for tomorrow. You can’t coast along on your previous commitment and success, which is what I have been doing. I have never been successful at losing weight before this, so I must have thought that I had broken through some sort of tangible metabolic barrier in the past few months, that once I had started the process, it would continue on its own momentum. Dammit, I hate it when I’m wrong. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Need to get cracking on the cover for the proposal, write bills and balance checkbook, prime the new piano bench, and do another item toward getting the house done. Haven’t decided which one, yet. But don’t worry, I have a huge list to consult. One cup of zucchini has 29 calories. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Then I was afraid of what music to pick out, because I listen to a lot of Latin stuff, and I was afraid they’d think I picked it on purpose in some sort of patronizing gesture. And I’m afraid they’ll think I’m just sitting around twiddling my thumbs whenever I’m not actually typing at the computer. Here’s a random little tidbit. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Battery district * where all the giant houses are. There was obviously a party going on in one of these mansions — catering trucks, parking valets, security, lights in the garden. We could hear "I’m Your Boogie Man" coming from somewhere inside, and stopped on the sidewalk to listen. |
blog | blog_5_5 | One of the things I really hate about trying to lose weight and not making it, is that I'm in a constant state of failure. Which is not good for the morale. That's one of the reasons I quit trying — it's better to be fat than to be suffering and struggling and failing like that. |
blog | blog_5_5 | 6:10 a.m. Tuesday. Feeling pretty good today, although I woke up at 5:30 and couldn’t get back to sleep. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I could feel worse. I can’t pretend I feel great, not after four martinis, but it could be worse. Yesterday was rather high in the calories, due to martinis and also the pork rib. guys are doing an Immediate Challenge — to stay on program through the end of the month. |
blog | blog_5_5 | If anyone else is losing weight solely for their health, I applaud you and you're my hero, but I cannot deny that a LARGE part of my motivation is to look better. So, yeah, I like it when I get compliments from men. So sue me. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Well, the perfect corollary to what my god-like older brother did, I thought. Only I didn’t get the same reaction at school. I got a lot of snickers and weird comments from the adults that I didn’t quite understand, sort of implying that I was one to "keep an eye on," and so forth. |
blog | blog_5_5 | 7:34 a.m. Friday, Day 109. I’m feeling rather hideous this morning. Physically, anyway. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Okay. So Monday morning I emailed him and said "Let me know if/when you need me to come in and work on those drawings." Never heard from him. No email reply, no voice message, and he's not answering his phone. From which I deduce he probably took a vacation day Monday. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I can’t brag; it’s mostly because I missed lunch, and that’s not something I want to make a habit of. Other good news today — tried on the Measurement Shorts, and I think I see some progress. They were almost wearable. |
blog | blog_5_5 | And THEN I realized I had only eaten one small brownie, that there was a second brownie in the fridge that I didn’t touch, and I was still under my goal calories, so no need for panic. But it was a fun little drama for a couple minutes. See, this is what I hate about dieting. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I am sick unto death of hearing people end a sentence with "so...." instead of making the effort to put their thoughts into words. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Tuesday, Day Two. 7:29 a.m. Just finished my half can of soup for breakfast. Man, I woke up hungry! |
blog | blog_5_5 | Damn damn damn. Both of us woke up groggy and stupid, with swollen eyes and puffy faces. MSG. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Anyway, it looks great. I painted the same color, but in flat instead of eggshell, and it’s a big improvement. I love the way flat paint looks. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Sadly, they are not devoid of calories and fat. Fortunately I noticed what I was doing and stopped at a reasonable quantity. It’s been recommended, many times, that one should not do anything else while eating — no TV, no reading — and I see the value of that. I’m at 511 calories right now, with dinner still to go. We’re having salmon (I forgot it was in the fridge, and it needs to be eaten today, so much for all-veg day) but I will also make a zucchini and tofu stir fry. |
blog | blog_5_5 | And you know what else? I know they’re talking about me, because I heard the word "computer." I imagine the conversation to be as follows: Painter 1: Do you think that fat gringo woman would have sex with us? Painter 2: Probably. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I’m interested in seeing Troy. I’ve only seen a few brief commercials for it, and I haven’t been able to tell who is cast in what part. I’m really interested to know who Brad Pitt is playing. |
blog | blog_5_5 | 7:40 a.m. Wednesday, Day 121. Slept late today, I must have been making up for Monday night and recuperating from all that bush digging. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I don’t want to flagellate myself (ooh!) but I do need to be a little stern. I am eating too much and not exercising enough, and I need to quit it and get back "on program." Enough’s enough. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I was afraid I’d get a ton of work today and have to make the difficult choice between getting paid and going to the beach. I have a little bit of a headache, not surprising. Also, after I went on and on yesterday about eating soup for breakfast for four months, today I broke the pattern and had a leftover chicken breast and a banana. |
blog | blog_5_5 | If you read my Favorite Movie list, you know I’ve become a Pitt fan recently, and also I love the Iliad. He’s such a big star you’d figure he’s playing Achilles, but I just don’t see that. Achilles is so callow sometimes, and Pitt is too mature for that part. By the same token, I can’t see him playing Paris. Orlando Bloom would be perfect for Paris. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I’m transferring the last bit of savings into checking to pay for this month. Second shock: when I tried to transfer funds by phone, the system did not recognize that I have a savings account. |
blog | blog_5_5 | She was quite the hot stuff, back then. So I, a girl in junior high, immediately decided to emulate my cool brother, and drew (drawed?) a big old picture of the Camel Man. Or possibly another brand of cigarettes, I don’t remember. But if you lived in the seventies, you’ll remember this guy. Dark hair, moustache, very handsome and manly of course, wearing a denim shirt opened at the throat. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Here is an email this morning from Warren: "...There will be some slippage on the schedule, but we are continuing to push forward... for planning purposes, why don't you plan on going into heavy rotation next Monday. I will probably have some resumes and corporate references to you by mid week this week. By the way, we are looking seriously at another proposal... |
blog | blog_5_5 | Fast forward to August, and I’m DREAMING of a snowstorm. No, I just can’t be satisfied. 4:00 p.m. My god, can that place get any stupider? |
blog | blog_5_5 | I’ll bet they were both books, too, and I’m going to look for them. Hopefully will have the same names... And on a related thought, Dennis Haysbert is one of my favorite actors, and I really don’t think he should be doing television commercials, especially for Allstate, for crying out loud. |
blog | blog_5_5 | That no one was staring at me in disgust. 3:13 p.m. |
blog | blog_5_5 | My total yesterday isn’t bad (1564), but it sure would have been better without the brownie. I did a little shopping yesterday and bought stuff for dinner at Daisy’s: salad, asparagus, sweet potatoes, and a brownie each for dessert. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I bought an issue of Shape magazine, and threw it away within 2 hours. First of all, the "articles" are nothing but prompts to buy products. Secondly, there’s nothing useful in the entire publication. Next to no information. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Nyaah nyaah nyahh." And if you know the personalities involved, you’d realize how insane it is for this low-level project manager to give orders to this high-level VP. |
blog | blog_5_5 | "So" is just as semantically null a term as "you know," and we must all work together to wipe it out. Girls Gone Wild, and other similar flashing of the tits for the camera. This is going to require its own separate long-winded essay. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Thirdly, their photography is not consistent with the avowed mission of the magazine. I do NOT want to see underweight-by-30-pounds fashion models pretending to lift weights with little stick arms that don’t have enough muscle in them to lift a fork to their mouths. Another: maybe I should buy some nice workout clothes instead of the horrible oversized rags I wear now. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Feeling pretty good this morning. I took half an actifed last night, so I slept like a frog. Woke up to pee maybe once. My plan is to do TotalGym this morning. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I'm reasonably okay today. Not chipper, not crappy. Slept okay, but with a disturbing dream in which I killed some people who had broken into the house. I’m trying to figure out the symbology of that one, in light of how depressed I was yesterday, and all I can come up with is feeling beleaguered. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Had a WEE bit too much wine last night, so I fell asleep very early, then of course woke up at 2 a.m. Perfect Day story. Has anyone else seen that movie? The IMDB review by "Alex V" is spot on. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Me and the ciggies, together at last. Hey, maybe that's why this time I will be able to lose weight. Maybe this is finally the "right" time. With the smoking, I had to try several times, and somehow finally all the right things came together at once. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I’ve had enough of sitting at the computer. I got a base coat on the windsor chair, and I think I’ve decided on painting a seashell on the seat, and then some kind of funky-cute pink details on the rest. It’s hard for me to paint "cute," because I hate whimsy, but I don’t think this will be putrid. I hope. Marella is sending in our booth fee and application today, so it’s definite. |
blog | blog_5_5 | The division I used to work for was combined with other divisions and renamed. So there is absolutely no reasonable point of reference I can give my prospective employers to check up anything about me. I figured the best I could do is give them the HR department of the corporate headquarters, in D.C. So I went to the website of this very large, multinational IT company, and from there spent over an hour trying to find a phone number, ANY phone number, for this company. |
blog | blog_5_5 | You have to plan and carry out the plan. Like making sure to shop, preparing the good food, planning ahead for emergencies, avoiding the dangerous situations. |
blog | blog_5_5 | But when I talked to her on the phone last night, she wants to go OUT tonight. Not cook at home. So there I was stuck with two brownies in the house. So I ate half of one. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Some homemade burritos for Bucko (I don’t eat them because I can’t find low-fat tortillas and so the calories are too high). And for dinner we’ll either go to a seafood restaurant or buy fresh from the market. I think I’ll survive. |
blog | blog_5_5 | We were more into the Vietnamese, Cambodians, and Indians. Also Native Americans and sometimes Africans. TiVo. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Or better yet, I’ll take the challenge, but I won’t tell anyone. That’s it. Sorry guys, I want to join in, but my brain has been too fragile lately. I know I’m letting myself off the hook. |
blog | blog_5_5 | In other work news, when I walked into the conference room of three men, I received compliments on my appearance (along the lines of "you look nice today" not "have you lost weight?" No, really I'm not so pathetic that I need that kind of reassurance, but it was a notable event to me. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Yeah, I know, poor me, I’m the only one to suffer so. Well, just because it’s a mundane and unavoidable part of life doesn’t mean I’m not going to complain about it. Anyway, I’ve been kind of moody and of exceptionally low self-esteem today, even for me. |
blog | blog_5_5 | That’s what ALL the cool guys wore, and most of the cool girls, only instead of flannel they wore a turtle-neck sweater with a thin gold chain around their necks. So when I got to high school, I was determined that FOR ONCE in my life I would be cool, I wouldn’t be the awkward, weird geek. I insisted to my parents that I must have a down vest. They didn’t want to fulfill this request, because the vests are kinda expensive. |
blog | blog_5_5 | It's frightening how divided my own brain can be, and how many conflicting attitudes and opinions I hold concurrently. One level will be doing X while another level will try to undermine X. And probably several more levels doing incompatible things. |
blog | blog_5_5 | My last couple hours of sleep were choppy, but I went to bed so early I’m sure I got at least eight hours. Took half an actifed to counter the red wine, and I didn’t drink enough water to counteract them both. Other than that, feeling good, and I’m pleased with the amount I drank for Drinking Night. My new plan is to buy only red wine, and buy only enough for the one drinking night. If I don’t have it around the house, I won’t drink it. |
blog | blog_5_5 | And it’s not dissolving well in my coffee. Also, a few days ago I tried to put it in the CoW, and it turned into a gelatinous mess. So I think we’ll have to go back to Benefiber, even with the cost. I think I will just make it under goal this week (oppw) if I eat lightly today. |
blog | blog_5_5 | And oh it was so boring. Nothing good on TV, and I don't have any movies to watch. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I have a new favorite food. Pompeian brand Fire Roasted Red Peppers. $1.69 for a 12 ounce jar. That’s a bargain! Also, check out the ingredients: roasted peppers, water, salt, and citric acid. |
blog | blog_5_5 | A year ago I wanted to lose weight for the vacation, and I DIDN’T, and so of course I am kicking myself for not finding this motivation a year ago when I really needed it. But what the hell - what’s one vacation compared to the whole rest of my life? |